I wish I could tell you how much I miss you but things are so bad right now I can't bring myself to message you. I wish I could tell you just how bad things really are. I wish I could tell you how much I'm breaking apart. I wish I could tell you that I'm not ignoring you and that I wish I was spending every second talking to you. I wish I could share all my pain with you because your the only person that makes me feel safe. But I know that it is too much, that you don't care, that it will scare you away and it's just an extra burden you don't need. I told you I wasn't sleeping, I told you I wasn't in a good place and all you said was 'I see'. Those words broke me. I needed you and you didn't care. You were supposed to be my safe space and I just needed you to care. You've slowly gotten sick of my dark days, just like I said you would. You promised you wouldn't. I almost believed you. At the start you were so supportive and you made me feel like things were gonna be okay. Now all I get is 'I see'. At least now I know for certain things won't be okay. I wish I could tell you I'm not 'ghosting' you, but I've been hyperventilating in bed crying the past 5 hours and I physically and mentally don't have the strength to message you right now. I'm not prepared for my pain to be disregarded again. I'm not prepared to not matter, again. You say you care about me and that I matter, but those are just words. When it comes to it, nothing you do proves that. Or I wouldn't be here alone, crying, wishing you still wanted to hold my hand in the dark. I want to tell you that I still love you even though you don't care. Even though you don't check in anymore. Even though you disregard me in my worst moments. I still want to be yours. I wish I was different. I wish you were different. I wish I knew why people pretend like they will care, like they will stay, like nothing is too much, when in the end it always is. So now I'm breaking apart, I can hardly catch a breath, I'm overwhelmed with the darkest of thought and all I wish is that I'd hear from you. That you'd check if I was okay. But the truth is you know I'm not okay. You just don't care. Nobody cares. Nobody should care. Nobody has to. But I hate that you made me feel like you did. Because I thought at times like this you'd be here. You said you'd be here. But I'm alone. I'm drowning. And most of all, I wish you wouldn't have given me hope, that I deserved anything more than this.