⚠️ CW: mentions of sex, past grooming/sexual abuse ⚠️

So I thought this was all done but I guess not. My partner and I were relaxing and joking around about different sex stuff. So the topic of threesomes got brought up and he asked me if I had ever had one. Well I had so I was honest and said yes, with 2 other guys. Well then he proceeds to ask about how I let myself be “tossed around like that” and how I let myself “be a whore.” Sex is a very difficult topic for me. This was during a part of my life I refer to as my “demon time” which was when my BPD was by far the worst it had ever been (this was when I was 16-18). I didn’t give a shit about myself or what I did to other people, my BPD behaviors were so deeply internalized, and that included risky sex. I unfortunately was groomed by older men during this time and my demon time essentially ended when I needed to have an abortion while I was with my most recent ex (who I later realized had groomed me as well since I was 17 and he was 20 when we first met). So sex is a bit of a sore subject for me. We’ve talked about it before in depth and he’s told me he understands and everything but now I really feel like he doesn’t and that our long conversation about it in the past was for nothing. He was asking questions but I felt so uncomfortable I just told him to leave the bedroom to go play video games and that I didn’t want to talk to him for the meantime. I just feel so hurt and I feel like I’m back in that time where I had no value for myself, that I just viewed myself as a monster and let myself be abused and abused other people. I just feel so hurt and I want to cry so badly but I feel so numb at the same time and can’t even force myself to cry. I’ll talk to him when things have mellowed out. Input is okay if you wanna give it but I’m not really looking for it or advice at the moment, this is just kind of a vent more than anything since it really fucking hurt. I wish I wasn’t hurt so easily by words but holy god that stung