I been depressed ever since I can remember. I been  through a lot since I was a toddler my first memories are traumas I was getting help for a while now i can't afford my antidepressants so I'm really struggling. 
Today while on my way to pick up my kids I couldn't handle that feeling of just helplessness, I just scream in my car so loud I lost some of my voice. I wanted to cry but I couldn't I don't want my kids to see me like that I just hold it in. After i got them the car ride was quiet I just couldn't bring myself to make conversation, my kids were tired so I don't think they minded. I felt like shit either way I couldn't help but to tear up I kept pretending to yawn to cover up the fact that I couldn't held back my tears. I kept thinking about how much I wanted to die already while my kids were right next to me. I'm feel like the worse mom in world. I love them and I will never leave them. I just want to be in bed and cry but they need me and I don't want them to see me like that so I have to go on and pretend I'm fine while I make dinner for them.
No one might read this but I just needed to let it out.