I feel like I fucked it all up... like there's no end to this cycle of feeling like nothing's wrong just to get a slap across my face. 

Just today I've been testing a few kids with psychology tests and throughout one of the test I spaced out and felt it grasp me and throw me back to square one. And its so fucking tiring. Just thinking about not being here is the only thing that makes me somehow calm and sure about my feelings. I fucking hate the cycle I'm going through. 

I want to tell my family how I fucking hate them. How I hate my asshole father for physically and emotionally abusing me throughout my childhood and adolescence, I want to tell my gf how she is fucking selfish and I want to end it all in the most quiet way possible. I just want to feel something again... Can please someone help me?