Someone inboxed me and told me to post here to get opinions.

This, more often than not, happens with my immediate family, like my mom, dad, and siblings. I've experienced this with a person I considered my best friend of ten years.

To explain further, this usually begins for no reason. Somedays, it happens all day. Other days, just under an hour. I will go off on my family and say things I don't mean. Sometimes, I will initiate an argument and shutdown, only escalating it further. I don't really realize the impact I had on my family at that given moment until the argument has died down enough, or I place myself into a different environment entirely. Then comes the remorse; I mean, I get suicidal, scratch myself, and just all-around mad at how I acted, calling myself "worthless" and telling myself "my family will be better off without me". Sometimes, I even resort to cutting. These past few times, I would get a belt.. and you know what comes next. I was, and am, miserable when this sort of thing happens because I don't mean it. I can't help it.

A lot of the time, I will get so upset at my friend for hanging out with someone else. I will fall into obsessive thoughts, like, "Oh, she doesn't like me anymore - I'm getting replaced - I'll just kill myself since no one cares - She's the only person I care about, and now she doesn't even care about me." It would get so bad, that I would subsequently plan my death, hurt myself, among other things. The last time this happened, I saw her in a picture with her other friend, and I just got so mad, then depressed, it lasted well over a month. I know that people can have more friends, but something in me doesn't understand that, and it's so irritating! I know the way I think isn't right, but I can't help it.

I get these triggering moments that can cause my thoughts to be negative and cause me to draw back from people. I was on a trip, and while in the car, I had a ten-minute episode of me just wanting to kms because my friend was going away for her birthday with another friend.

It can just be at random times where I will get those types of thoughts. I'm not sure what triggers them, but other times, there are obvious triggers.

Another time, I was flipping back and forth from wanting someone in my life in a matter of minutes, and then I said some shit that ultimately removed them from my life completely not realizing what I said and the weight of it until it was too late.

All in all, I don't know what's up with me. I know the way I think isn't normal. I shouldn't feel like taking my life will satisfy me in any way. I shouldn't want to take my life because someone is being a normal human being, with multiple friendships. If I think about them hanging out with someone else outside of the bad days, everything is completely fine, and I don't get upset like that.

Does anyone else experience this? I'm so lost at this point. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one anymore.

EDIT: Thought I should mention that I have no diagnoses, have never stepped into a therapy office, and have never taken any sort of medical tests.