Went to a civilian mental hospital in August.

Hey, brothers/sisters. 

So, I became an alcoholic when I got back home stateside from my deployment in Iraq. As soon as I got home, I would wake up at night screaming in fear, and Also screaming for my rifle. 

Started self medicating with alcohol to establish disassociation(Black out), and that was my ritual since June of 2009.

Fast tracking to last year, my back blew out. That was the start of the weight gain, and depression(I was working as a certified Dialysis Tech) — lost that job bc of my back problems.

Moving forward to this year, I quit drinking in March. Back is still severely fucked.

I fasted in the beginning of June( I went from 250lbs to 300lbs). My weight after this went down to 280lbs. Ended up gaining it back, went up to 297. Tried fasting again in the beginning of August. I was disgusted with my self(I was a Marine). so during this time of fasting, my body started to fail on me. 

Got extremely agitated, and was beside myself. Ended up yelling at my wife for no reason over some dumb shit. The cops were called. 

Ever since I stopped drinking, I have gotten these ptsd symptoms coming back all at once, and would freak out(I.e. why the cops were called). Anxiety x 10, memory’s x 10, just everything.
Now looking back at it, I was suicidal(beside myself).

I almost died by suicide in the beginning of August. Was in the ER all day, than got admitted for 5 days. GI was shutting down, kidneys were shutting down. Once I got discharged from that hospital, I got admitted to a mental hospital. (Voluntary). Got diagnosed with ptsd, and bipolar 1(miss diagnosed for bipolar 1 on top of that).

 I don’t talk about it, I now am a disabled vet. Great. Talk with the VA psychiatrist, and Psychologist every month.

The fucking nightmares are every single night. I just sit down in my dreams now. I get panic attacks out of no where. It’s just rough shit, staying positive(Iraq Vet here rating 0).

So, now I am on Zoloft 100mg per day, and Atarax. Off the mini press, off lutuda, off Topamax. I am lucky bc my wife is a nurse. So now I am getting suicidal thoughts after upping my dose 1 1/2 week ago. I’m pretty sure this is a side effect. I will not hurt myself or others.

And no, I’m not going to hurt myself or others. 

Looking for other vets to chime in.