I honestly don’t even know how to phrase this correctly because it’s such a weird phenomenon but maybe some people will relate. 

Many times when I have acted out or behaved badly in social settings I was genuinely unaware that my behavior was affecting people because I always feel like people don’t notice me/my behavior. Maybe it’s because I’m dissociating so hard or I’m just selfish, I’m not sure. For instance, my family would always get mad at me because they would say that during dinners I looked pissed off and had a bad attitude etc, but I would always be surprised by this because when I’m in these social situations, I often feel totally invisible so it comes as a shock to me that people even register what I’m doing, let alone have a reaction to it. It’s like I’m in my own bubble just watching the world around me but not taking part in it, and it’s crazy to me that I would have any sort of effect on people.

It’ll happen with friends too, like they’ll get mad at me for acting out somehow or being rude or distant. Or this one time recently, I caused a huge drama because I was apparently flirting with a guy who had a girlfriend. But to me this didn’t make any sense because it’s hard for me to understand that anything I did could cause such a strong reaction. I just always feel invisible or like I don’t exist.

I’m not sure if this is a BPD thing or just a low self esteem thing, or maybe dissociation.