TW: death mentions

i grew up in quite a conservative household, and i have a somewhat controlling father. he lets me have freedom with the little things but when it comes to big life decisions he always feels like an obstacle i have to overcome in order to pursue what it is i want.
i realised this ever since i was a child, that my father was a massive obstacle. and i remember thinking ever since i was a kid that i’ll never be able to live the life i want until he passes away. recently as an adult, i’ve felt this way a lot, but i’d have phases where i’d tell myself that’s just ridiculous and feel incredibly guilty for thinking that it’d take something as extreme as death for me to be able to live freely. it feels like i’m turning him passing away into a good thing, and i end up feeling super guilty. my dad isn’t an awful person, he has his short-comings but he’s a good dad in general, and i do love him. but i tend to split a lot when it comes to my dad, i’d have phases where i’d appreciate him and phases where i hate his guts and just want to get away from him entirely. him and my mother have an awful relationship and it’s taken a huge toll on me throughout my life, to this day.
i’ve always felt guilty about these thoughts and never shared them, but only until a few minutes ago did it occur to me that it might be because of bpd and seeing things as black and white.
i feel really guilty for even sharing this, so please don’t judge, but i want to know if i’m not alone in having felt this way