Was having a huge BPD rage after my bf left our house because I was still upset from yesterday. Following that, I was blaming him, for my BPD mostly. I was hurting him. I wanted him to feel bad. I told him he made me want to die. Keep in mind this happened an hour after my DBT individual therapy. 

Fast forward 20 mins later. I could feel this huge wave of guilt and shame coming. I was thinking “no no no no no...!” I was trying to stop it. Reject it. Kept my defense up. I didn’t want this yet. Not yet. I’m still angry dammit! No!

Didn’t work. It came. I tried to FaceTime my bf. I pleaded him via text to answer because this guilt was killing me alive. He didn’t answer but he texted - saying that he was getting a haircut. Even sent me a pic. I broke down. Shame. Guilt. Pain. All came at once, crashing me. For the first time in months I had an urge to suicide (scale 1 out of 5) and self harm (scale 4 out of 5). Grabbed a knife to “urge surfing” without actually hurting/killing myself. I was panicking. Put that knife against my throat - actually contemplating because I was hurting so bad inside. Then I remembered what my therapist told me - pace breathing. So I did that for 10 minutes or so. The wave passed. 

I’m still alive. Now I owe an apology. 

