Apologies for the long post.

COVID has taken a toll on my (24M) mental health - so much so that I have officially been diagnosed as depressed and have gotten medication for it. I only recently had the courage to reach out to the doctor to get this diagnosis and medication, and while it's helped a little it seems like every little bad thing will set me off.

I think everything bad started for me in September of 2020. Since May of 2019, I had been away from my university on an internship. I believe that the last day of that internship (August 31, 2020) is the last time that I have truly felt like myself. I had friends that I spent time with regularly and was well liked by my coworkers. That all changed when I went back to school.

Classes were held online for both semesters (September - April). While that pales in comparison to in-person classes for most people, it was particularly difficult for me for two reasons:
1. Because classes were held online, it felt like there was an expectation to be at your computer more often. I remember sitting in my desk chair from 9 am from 9 pm most days (with breaks) and also working on the weekend to finish up my assignments.
2. 2. I was alone, or very close to it. Most of my friends had graduated the year I was on my internship, so I didn't have a very good support system. I had one friend in most of my classes, and I asked her to check in on me every once in a while to make sure I was alright since I knew that something was off with me. She did for a while but eventually stopped. It's also very difficult to make friends when all of your classes are online, so I couldn't really make friends even if I wanted to (which, of course, I did). Going out to meet people was also not an option since the pandemic was particularly bad in my area, forcing most in-person events and venues to close.
To satisfy my urge for social interaction, I turned to Tinder. I met up with a few women and enjoyed their company, but eventually things fell apart with them. More often than not I would get ghosted. I did end up in a brief relationship with someone I thought was great, only for me to put in 90% of the effort. It took me a long while to get over her, especially because I didn't really get any closure until I reached out to her about 9 months after we broke up (she moved to a different city and returned for school). I did feel a lot better after getting the closure I needed, but it upset my girlfriend at the time because she wasn't comfortable with me seeing my ex (I understand her point. She knew I was going to but just not when. I didn't want to tell her because I was so anxious. I told her right after I saw my ex and she was very upset).

Eventually, after that failed relationship, I used Tinder mainly to hook up for a while. I did find someone that I got along with really well (our first date was 31 hours long!) But eventually she told me that she wasn't in the mental space for a relationship right now, even though she did want to eventually want to be in one with me. We kept chatting after that until she ghosted me. This one didn't hurt so badly because I knew that she wasn't ready and that we weren't actually in a relationship.

At the same time I was talking to this woman, I was also talking to another one who eventually became my girlfriend. She was pretty shy but warmed up to me eventually. What I really liked about her is how much she cared for me and was concerned for my mental health and wellbeing. Things were great at first but eventually they started going downhill. I tried to be there for her as best as I could, despite my mental health, but there was just so much to deal with. Her family had a lot going on. One particular item of note was that I attended my first funeral with her - and it was a murder-suicide. That took a lot out of the both of us.

Things were also getting bad because I had signed up for two commitments before we started dating and was just not getting the time to work on them because I would always be spending time with her. I clearly said that I needed my space but she always convinced me to be with her instead. (I know, partly my fault. I'm an adult who could have said no. But I digress). That meant the work just kept piling up and I was getting more and more stressed. I started taking things out on her - just being short tempered and not really wanting to help her out. I feel awful about that. Eventually it got to the point where our relationship was basically me coming over for the evening, we watch Netflix after I asked if she wanted to talk and she'd refuse, us going to sleep and just before we slept she wanted to talk, me falling asleep because I had a long day and was exhausted (eventually I made a rule that if we were going to talk I would stand up so I wouldn't inadvertently fall asleep), her crying herself to sleep, repeat. It was awful and took a serious toll on my mental health. 

That wasn't the only major stressor in that relationship. As I mentioned, I don't really have any close friends. I struggle to maintain relationships out of business, or I would always be initiating conversations and activities with people who would only respond half heartedly or would ghost me. As such, I don't really have anyone that I can reach out to. And I don't want to scare away new friends by opening up about all of my shit right away. I did have one close friend who I've known now for about three years. We've been friends on and off - mainly it's been her disappearing. I did reach out to her in December of 2020 and we had been chatting, but it was probably not until July of 2021 that we started hanging out again. It was great - I actually had someone besides my girlfriend that I could talk to and open up to. When I would have relationship problems, I would vent to her.

Unfortunately, our friendship ended recently. I had always intended for my girlfriend to meet her but it just never worked out. For some reason my girlfriend had a hang up about being friends with people who worked in the same mall as her?? She was starting to get over it, but by that time we were fighting a lot. I didn't want to introduce my girlfriend to my friend while that was going on, so they never actually met. So my friend and I would hang out. The last time I saw her, we went to a bar. It was a lot of fun - the time really flew by. She had a lot more to drink then I did. After the bar closed we got some McDonald's and just sat in my car and talked. She was very vulnerable because she opened up to me about some serious stuff. She then told me that she found me really attractive at that moment. I turned her down by saying that I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, but I did (and I know I shouldn't have) but I flirted a bit with her.  I then went home to my girlfriend, who was waiting for me. She was upset that I hadn't texted her (I was paying attention to my friend and when I'm out I generally don't look at my phone). We fought for about an hour before falling asleep. The next day, my friend felt guilty and decided we had to end our friendship. I understood but was reasonably upset. I wanted to talk it through with my friend first to see if we could talk things through before I opened up to my girlfriend about what happened (a bad decision, but I didn't want to be forced to cut off my friend. I know now that that was wrong). But that wasn't the half of it. I was texting with my friend about it, and before we had ended our friendship I was talking about that I was unhappy in my relationship and was considering leaving for my mental health. My girlfriend broke into my phone while I was sleeping and saw the texts. She confronted me at like 4 in the morning, and we fought for a bit before she dumped me (understandably). I went home at like 6 am before going to work. We kept talking over the course of the day before making up and temporarily getting back together. I don't know why I agreed to, maybe just because I wanted her comfort? Who knows.

What was really messed up is that she texted me "I found out that you were mostly telling me the truth" when I told her what happened the morning we broke up. I asked her how she knew. It turns out that she went to my friends work (who she had never met) and confronted her about it! My friend decided (understandably) to cut me off. I got back together with my girlfriend for a couple weeks, but losing my friend really hurt me - especially since I barely have any friends. My mental health took a nosedive after that. I knew I had to break up with my girlfriend. I just couldn't forgive her for losing me my friend, besides the other issues we had. I was actually concerned that I would end up in hospital because of a suicide attempt had I not broken up because I was just so miserable. Once I broke up with my girlfriend, I waited a few weeks before reaching out to my friend and apologizing for what happened. She never actually accepted it, and ghosted me. That made me sad all over again.

Now you might ask yourself, what about your family? I still live with them but plan to move out in the next few months. The problem is is that I've never really fit in with them. It's always felt like it's been my sister and parents are one family, and I'm a guest in the house. This has gotten worse over the course of me being in university (6 years). They don't ever invite me to do things and they never really talk to me. I know they love me but they could show it a bit more. I feel like a guest in my own house. I've tried to take the initiative but it seems like we have nothing in common. My sister is always out and my parents are always watching Netflix. If theyre watching something and get interrupted, they get upset. I want to improve my relationship with them but I just don't know how.

The one light in my life is my job. I worked at a terrible place for 3 months right after graduation. I was gaslit and generally mistreated. I have since moved on to work with their competitor. I'm a lot happier. The issue is that my mental health is starting to affect my work. I've gotten slower and it's been pointed out. I don't know what to do and I definitely don't want to lose my job.

So in summary, here's been my life since September of 2020:

-Ghosted by a close friend
-No real friends to speak of
-Two failed relationships
-No improvement in family relationships
-Terrible job followed by great job

I know that people say that things will get better eventually, but I'm just having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I've made mistakes. How can you see happiness when your worst enemy is your own mind? What do I do, and where do I go from here? When is it my turn to be happy?