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Since a very young age I used to masturbate to masochistic thoughts. Things that would hurt me, things that are distressing, losing people I love....

I am talking starting age 6 or so.

This followed me into adulthood 💔 not the same as when I was a kid, a bit more "normal", but the elements are still there....

Around this same period... I remember a lot of nights I would have this image in my head of my mom leaving... that we would drive her to this corner of the street... and she would walk out of the car and leave... probably because of verbal abuse, alchoholism and death threaths by my dad... but in the end, leaving me alone too...

Why did I fixate on distressing things? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!!? 

So my question is:
1. Can I fix this? How?
2. Why did this happen? What caused this?? Was it something I saw on tv? Did something happen that caused this?

Could my brain have converted these distressing fears in that way because it couldn't process it??? I am just thinking out loud..  I've heard of cases like that... not sure if it's the same...