(female 18 I've never felt close to my family due to many reasons including addiction within family, abuse etc and don't feel comfortable talking to my friends as i feel they won't understand or take me seriously).i feel isolated from the world and my peers. I've felt severely lonely and depressed since i can remember. i often wonder if there's something biologically wrong with me as i wouldn't say anything in particular triggered these feelings, yet they've always been present with differing intensity throughout my life - the first time i self harmed i was 10 years old. I've always been extremely insecure about myself, due to my factors including my weight, hair colour, skin, laugh, personality etc, there is nothing i like about myself. i self harmed as a teenager which has left significant scarring, only adding to my shame and hatred for myself, the thought of somebody seeing my scars fills me with disgust so i just completely hide them unless i am alone however even looking at them is hard some days. this in itself is very isolating as i am in constant anxiety about even the thought of a potential boyfriend seeing my arms. i feel like i was born this way, that no matter what i do ill never be happy or like myself, i can't go on instagram due to it triggering me massively (seeing others and comparing myself, and thinking about uploading a picture of myself makes me panic) which only adds to my self-esteem issues as its something that is expected in current society. it makes me feel like a freak tbh, which has been confirmed by my friends in various off-hand comments about it being weird not having it. i wake up every morning already sad and angry i didn't die in my sleep. I've tried anti-depressants and therapy, neither were a good fit for me. i find it hard to talk about how i feel to my close ones as i feel they'll misunderstand, judge me or think I'm an attention seeker. this has lead me to live almost a double life only coping through various substance abuses, i socialise often (not with people i'd consider close however) but when i come home I'm exhausted, anxious, and lonely. I've been crying a lot recently for no reason, i find myself passively thinking about suicide methods and how painful it would be, success rate etc. i don't know where to turn anymore, i left for university september 2019 hoping it would provide me with a new start away from the life that i found so hard but I've never felt more lonely or depressed in my entire life. my day consists of getting high and watching youtube by myself occasionally seeing my friend to go get drinks, i rarely attend classes and I'm on the verge of failing, I'm in a grand debt already due to reckless spending on alcohol and drugs, i feel like my life is already ruined but I'm so young. i don't see hope in ever feeling better, i always told myself it was temporary and it did help me get through some of the years, but I'm losing faith that this is temporary. i don't think i could actually kill myself, which only makes me feel weak, but if there was an option to stop existing instantly i would take it. i don't know what I'm looking for on here to be honest, I just can't see any options anymore, I've tried for years to just feel normal and comfortable with the person i am, i feel the world would be better off without me most of the time and that i deserve to die for the thoughts i have about my friends (involving jealously about their relationships and family dynamics etc). all i want is to find somebody who knows the real me and still wants to spend time with me, I'm just so tired of pretending everything's alright when i want to just die