Hi All! 

This is my first post on reddit so please be kind! 

TL;DR at the bottom!

The reason why I am posting here today is because for most of my life I have felt like my personality and my identity is secure and I know who I am. I never \~felt\~ like I had many issues in relationships and have always been the person my friends go to for advice or help. I am very extraverted and outgoing and I love being around people. 

This year I have felt a sort of shift in my personality and my mentality. I am having more anxiety than usual and feel myself disassociating and depersonalizing. I have shut myself off from my friends and the most significant change that I have noticed is that I think even the closest people to me are talking badly about me behind my back, or that they just hang out with me because they feel like they need to. 

In childhood I did go through a significant amount of emotional abuse and raging from my uBPD mother and she is the main thing that I believe has been triggering my anxiety. In childhood I acted like a parent to my sibling and I have been a hyper-independent person since I left home at 17. 

After thinking back on my childhood, I have been able to realize that I never had a real sense of who I was. My identity was rooted in a passion I had and once I wasn't able to practice that passion I looked for other things to fill the whole. I have had irresponsible spending habits for the last 4 or 5 years and I have also racked up a significant amount of credit card debt because I shop when I get sad/stressed/anxious. I have not had super erratic relationships with the people that I allow into my circle, but I definitely recognize that I used to fall hard and fast and then immediately lose interest. 

I suspect I have a high functioning, or q, BPD because of a change in my behavior. I have never felt disassociation or even paranoid ideations until this year. I have had two very intense stints of... I dont know what to call it, a psychotic episode? a BPD flair up? a prolonged anxiety attack? Anyway, in these stints that lasted about a week each, I lost touch with reality, had a lot of shortness of breath, and definitely had paranoid ideations. I  was so concerned that my best friends and family hate me which is super unusual and I could not distinguish fact from the fiction in my brain. My SO had to SHAKE me to make sure I knew my family doesn't hate me. I also will say that I have a some-what tumultuous relationship with my amazing SO even though we actively work on our relationship- I start fights about things that don't matter and I can't let go until he leaves the house at which point I go after him and apologize. Ultimately it always ends with him apologizing and then my apologizing for my shitty behavior. I have also been having an alarming increase in suicidal thoughts - mostly thinking about how my mom would react if I were dead/would other people care if I killed myself (these are not actionable thoughts and I am not in immediate danger - I am also 24 hours past the last BPS flair up so my emotions are much more stable)

I read an article about qBPD that finally made sense of my emotions and I feel like I am starting to really notice the BPD symptoms now. My last relationship was with someone who had severe mental health issues of their own. They were emotionally and borderline physically abusive and I was definitely a parent figure in that relationship. I took care of him through everything and he frequently invalidated me and my emotions. I needed to be strong for him always and I didn't open up much because he always let me down. When we broke up I was sexually assaulted and the one time I opened up to him he blamed be and called me a slut etc. My relationship now is super healthy and we work on our needs and emotions regularly. I feel like I never really noticed my splitting until recently potentially because that independent split was in control until I got into a healthy relationship where I could be vulnerable. Additionally, I believe my increase in smoking Marijuana has something to do with these increased symptoms, possibly from the drop in serotonin that long term, heavy, smoking has on the brain.  Now I feel like the child split side of me is coming out and coming out hard. I am scared and stressed and I don't really know if anyone else has seen their qBPD flair up like this later in life? 

**TL;DR** I am 25 and I suspect I have qBPD. I also suspect this BPD to be genetic on my mother's side as I suspect she has full blown BPD. I have had recent "flair ups" in the last few months with increasing panic, anxiety, and distrust for about half a year now. I suspect it is coming up now because of a stressful situation with my mother recently and because I am finally in a stable relationship where I feel like I am able to be vulnerable and because of my increased smoking. I have seen some BPD symptoms earlier in life but this is the first "okay I need help" moment I've had. Has anyone else had symptoms come up later in life or because of an extremely stressful event?

  
This sort of turned into a vent/word vomit BUT any insight/advice/thoughts would be appreciated! 

I am also HAPPY to answer clarification questions :)