So over the next few weeks a situation may or may not occur where I'll have the opportunity to end my life. Chances are 50/50. I've been an addict for a long time and have wanted out of this existence for much longer. I haven't been in active addiction but had a small relapse recently. So far using drugs has been the only thing keeping me alive but now it's starting to come to a close, and losing its enjoyment because of all the bs addiction comes with. My mind and life just seem unrecoverable and I really am a useless addition to this world. Maybe things could be straightened out and in 5 years or something I'll be fully recovered and able to contribute something positive, but the chances of that are very low and my mind is a shitstorm sober. 

I can't take care of myself or make any strides forwards because a depressive episode always swoops in and leaves me debilitated. Idk who designed reality to be like this (God are you real?) but quite frankly it's a nightmare to behold. Not even sad about dying tbh everyone does one day and keeping someone around if they are suffering this much is selfish in its own way. I'm truly a piece of shit and bring everyone down/am detrimental to the flourishing of friends and family, or at least that's what my childhood and former years have burned into my brain. I've been taken advantage of sexually, abused emotionally, gaslighted/fucked with by my parents, am socially abnormal, have no skills or talents, not a very high IQ, and have always been let down when believing there is love and acceptance in the world. It's a dark place filled with evil. Sometimes you get a taste of the light but then it's ripped away because behind the mask is a demon, laughing at you for being so naive. The world feels like purgatory. My demons have me on a leash and people seem to toy with me too, how anyone finds putting themselves above others to be fun I'll never understand. So yeah that's the jist of things and personally I'm kind of hoping to be released from this nightmare before it gets worse. I don't want to have a family because it will probably damage whoever is in it, and I'm not smart enough to make a real difference in the world. Really nothing will be missing. If there was the potential that I could help benefit the world maybe I'd side with staying here but that's really not the case. Maybe in the next plane of existence I'll be less detrimental.