I know and understand that nobody owes me shit. But I’m tired of caring for others while caring for myself. I’ve assigned myself some dumb role of martyr and I’m trapped. I feel like I do a lot of work in personal relationships with love but I don’t know how to ask some for myself. I feel spent and unloved in the way I want to be loved.

Instead of asking nicely, I’m pushing everyone away and sulking that nobody seems to get that I’m hurting (likely self-imposed suffering). I’m embarrassed that I’m stuck in a bad place, ashamed I’ve been here for ages, and I’m embarrassed some more that I’m throwing a tantrum that nobody’s taking care of me. While I’ve abandoned myself because I’m sick of dealing with me, I’m finding that there literally is no one else to deal with me.

(I also recently felt my therapist thinks I’m judgemental so I’m smarting from that too.)

I’m self-pitying and would like a loved one to reassure me that I’m not a bad person for not having it together all the time, that I’m going to be okay, and that I’m still worthy of being loved in some way or another. But nobody is telling me this. I don’t know how to ask.

It sucks that I hate myself so much that I can’t even simply ask the people I love to love me back. Somehow I’m too proud to ask for “their charity”, or to own up that I too need TLC.