CW: self harm/suicide
This might be really triggering sorry I just have to get this out


I hate my brain. I fucking hate it. I am constantly in denial of my own mental health, I don’t accept why I’m feeling so awful all the time. and it doesn’t even help that I internalise everything

I do this by trying to look for “excuses” for why my mental health is fucked. I’m constantly thinking about killing myself, starting to have urges again, I’m having panic attacks every day, sometimes for no reason at all. I’m trans and my gender dysphoria is killing me, and I have no way to access the only thing that’s going to help me recover until I recover, which is absolutely fucked. 

Last year, I attempted suicide 5 times and ended up in psychiatric hospitals. After I got discharged from my last attempt I developed anorexia and was further admitted for a month, then 6 times after that ranging from 3 days to 10. My body dysmorphia has made be believe I’m eating too much and I’m so fat, but in reality I look really malnourished. I just don’t believe it, just like my mental health. 

Im 3 months self harm free, but it’s becoming so much harder. I just want to give myself a hundred scars again, I just want to kill myself. It seems that nothing is working for me anymore and I will never get better. Most of the things that are causing everything cannot be helped unless I magically get better, and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to be dead in the next couple weeks, sooooo that’s fun

But the fucked up thing is that I don’t believe it. I was abused my whole life by my dad, and I constantly dissociate. I’m attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable, and all I feel is guilt when I talk to anyone about this. And all I think about is if I’d be better off dead, and I believe it. I just wish I wasn’t in denial because I constantly think about ways to make me feel bad, like getting kidnapped and beaten for weeks on end so I actually have an excuse for why everything is fucked up

Fuck this all