I had a recent suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital. The same old reasoning, that no one cares and everyone would be betterI have, well had, two close friends/roommates. For my entire life before college I had no close friendships and no one really knew about my troubles and BPD. 

One of my roommates was my first friend I made when I went to college and my closet friends ever. I’m graduating in the spring so this was the longest, true friendship Ive ever had.

But after the hospitalization she is done with me. It wasn’t an angry or resentful conversation, because I understood. I have put myself and my impulsive emotions first in many situations. We both cried when talking. My other roommate said that she needs space and that she can’t continue to be emotional support for me. And I understand that too because everyone is going through their own things. I am too focused on myself and what I need from others instead of being there for *them*. So neither of them are talking to me anymore.

I’m really sad, because I think this is going to happen for the rest of my life. Getting close, then becoming *too much*, and then they leave and/or distance themselves from me. 

I’m starting a PHP program today because I need to start regulating my own emotions and gain independence. I’m also trying to make new connections but I don’t think anyone wants to be around me anymore. Just time and time again my BPD takes over.