 I just don’t know what to do. I’m a very self-aware person, everyone says so. But I don’t understand my feelings rn…

Me and my boyfriend have been official for a month. Initially, I seemed to like him a lot but he never became an fp and that was unusual for me but I took it as maybe progress? I’d get some days where I had doubts but mostly felt like I did like him. There wasn’t necessarily a ‘spark’, but I felt we did click and there was a level of chemistry. Plus my chronic emptiness has been really bad for months now, I’m emotionally detached - unable to connect with anyone so that didn’t help. 

Now, it’s worse… I feel like all my feelings for him have faded. But I still get some days where I feel like I like him a lot. And every time I think about us, I don’t want it to end. I love spending time with him and am very attracted to him etc. 

He knows about my BPD. And he also knows my feelings for him keep fluctuating and he’s super supportive. But he told me the other day that he is sure that he is falling for me, and that when we last saw each other I didn’t seem to want to cuddle or kiss as much, and despite not seeing him for a few days I was ‘impartial to his presence’ ? I feel so bad. He’s such an amazing guy but I don’t know what’s going on. I know I don’t love him, but some days I really like him and some days I’m neutral. 

I did split for a day or so. But I thought I got over that… I seem easily irritable and idk if that’s a sign… I’m struggling because he means a lot to me but I just don’t know how I feel. This doesn’t feel fair on him but he said he wants to risk getting hurt coz he understands my disorder makes things confusing, but he would be happy being friends if needed. 

How do I figure out my feelings? This is the third guy I’ve had these fluctuating feelings for in the past year, so idk if it’s an internal issue I’m having. Does anyone else experience this??

I’ll start seeing a counsellor soon and hoping she will help me figure out what’s going on in my head. 

Pls gentle responses as I feel sensitive about this topic… I don’t mistreat him and I am FULLY communicative. He knows all of this, I’m not hiding anything. There’s nothing I want more than companionship; a happy and healthy relationship. But I devalue or lose interest in everyone I date and it really upsets me and sometimes makes me feel like ‘I hate Mondays’. I’m a hopeless romantic lol. Sucks.