Ugh, I've tried to start this post like 6 times and I don't know how so I'm just jumping in. I'm depressed, I'm a married man, my wife knows, but not nearly how bad it is at times. Vulnerability is extremely difficult for me, It kills me that I'm that way, that I can hardly reach out to admit it. 

My wife has been on her own mental health journey for years now and has made huge progress, and  I'm so so proud of her. A few years ago she realized her crippled mental health was because of a very difficult and traumatic childhood from her verbally and emotionally abusive father and mother who enabled it. It has been extremely painful. The last few years have been the hardest of our lives. Everything has suffered because of it including our marriage. We've had to fight for our marriage and I honestly believe we're past the worst and we love each other more than ever. I can honestly say we love each other with all we have. 

In all these years of us putting all of our energy into her healing it feels like my mental health has just absolutely crumbled. I feel like the shadow of the man I once was. I've always struggled with dark emotions, specifically anxiety, but also depression. The nature of which I cope with poorly, specifically by hiding it and keeping my intermittent self medicating extremely secret. Nothing super serious though. I constantly feel tired, granted Ive struggled insomnia for years as well, but I never have energy. I used to love my hobbies, but now I feel tired, not physically, but on the inside, like my personality is tired. 

I want to make it really clear I'm not in danger. I'm not going to unalive myself, I don't want that. I'd rather live miserable my entire life than do that to her and my family, but I wish I wasn't in pain, I wish I had a good reason, I wish that every attempt at numbing myself didn't make it worse. I wish I could feel at peace, feel rested and ready to do something fun again. I want my joy back but I don't know how. Worst of all I feel like I've done most of this to myself.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening to my ramble, I think if I'm honest I just need to hear that it's not always going to be like this, that I can change, and that, with lots of effort, everything is going to be ok eventually.