Over a month ago, I served as a youth leader for a church camp. Considering I had been in the community for around 3 years, it felt like an honor to actually guide some people my age and pass along the beauty of what used to be a family-like group. 

**Some background: This church camp was the byproduct of our past youth disassociating with the community. There was a rebranding of our org because higher-ups noticed that our state chose to stray from the practices that every other state did. Nearly everyone stopped going to meetings and events from a combination of quarantine and how they didn't like the new "structure" of our organization. 

I was one of the people left over from the previous youth group. My younger partner (let's call her Lily) that served with me, was a dear friend to me. She got me into this community and I was involved ever since. Lily was an only child, like me, so I could relate to her more than the other kids. 

As I continued to serve for a year, she started getting more open to me--which I don't complain about. 

She's been more violent and hateful as a person. She'd constantly hit me, degrade my existence, and lie to the adults about her actions. For some reason, she'd always get her way even if I try to nudge ppl that it's just wrong. No one thinks it's serious. 

Her physical abuse isn't the thing that bothers me the most though. It was her fakeness to both me and the people around her. 

One of the many instances, we were at the park for a potluck gathering and she slammed her fist so hard into my back. It wasn't hard enough that I had a bruise, but that still doesn't make it okay to do such a thing. The adults didn't say a thing, nor give any reaction. I went along with it as well in order to avoid conflict. 

Often Lily would be so negative towards me. And I just want to iterate: I am NOT just an outlet, I don't deserve to be just an outlet, and I will not treat others as just an outlet. 

I know that in friendships, I'd have to accept the flaws in a person to simply form a bond. And don't get me wrong, I still believe she's still a nice person inside.  However, I don't feel that I should simply keep her actions a secret from everyone else since it deeply affects my well-being. 

This whole post isn't about my disassociation with church. I still believe in God and I won't forget how good the community was to me. It is a mere explanation for me to vent because no one seems to understand what I went through and my actions to withdraw are somehow unjustified.

After youth camp, I laid in bed and cried for hours. It led to me being unable to do basic self-care. Nearly every day I've never felt emptier. I've been taking therapy sessions once every two weeks but the process is slow and I just wish I had stayed quiet about it and move on so this wouldn't have happened. Honestly, I've tried to find reasons why I cry but now it just happens. I pray for something to simply solve my feelings but these thoughts don't seem to go away. I feel bad for confiding in other people, and when I do, it always seems like it's a chore for them.

I tried talking to my mom about it since she doesn't get it, but she always tell me that I don't have to feel this way and I am deliberately choosing not to be happy. She once tried to "cast away Satan" from me because of how I was acting: incense all over the house, telling several people to pray it away, and lending me sacred pendants. 

Of course I don't reject to all of that, it's just amazing to me that the was the course of action. 

It might be my intrusive side talking, but the situation has made me thought that I'm the one that's crazy and everyone else just reinforces that. If I were gone, it wouldn't be great; but, I just know everyone would move on since I'm not exactly the most good to the people around me. 

One could say I have a life to look forward to, but I really don't. I don't have much close connections and I'm not in the right mind. There's a lot I should be grateful for as well, though it makes me feel worse that I don't appreciate it as much as others do.  

I have the privilege to see a therapist twice a week, so I have that going for me atleast. Any advice for moving on is greatly appreciated.

Thank you all for reading and I wish you all well.



TLDR; It's not church itself, but how unappreciated and mistreated I was in its group I put so much effort into. This didn't lead my beliefs astray, but I simply want to restore the energy that went nowhere. I hope that the people in my life would give me time to regain myself despite my failure to stay within the group.