Today I will see my therapist. Im very recently diagnosed and hes working hard to help me. We've had uncomfortable talks about suicide before, and I dont think I have expressed my feelings to him very well.

The thing is, I am not, in my opinion, suicidal. I dont actively think about ending my life. I DO have feelings like I just dont want to exist any more, and I think they are two different things.

There are two very big things that stop me from developing these thoughts into active suicidal thoughts. I have recently lost the love of my life (you can read my post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/6d2i9x/new_here_new_diagnosis_not_a_lot_of_support_oh/) for details) and I am lost and distraught. But knowing that my ex is still in love with me and is in pain stops me from wanting to kill myself - I have already caused him so much suffering, killing myself would only cause him more trauma and heartache, and that would forever cast a shadow over our memories together. He said he wanted to end the relationship when he did so that we could look back on it with a happy feeling, rather than letting the relationship go on until we hated one another. I cant bear the thought of taking that small piece of solace from him. I hate myself for causing him so much pain, I am striving to never do so again.

The second reason is that I live in a country where I do not speak the native language, and my doc is required by law to report all cases of potential suicidal patients. The thought of being locked in a psyche ward with staff and patients who I cannot communicate with, and being unable to participate in group therapy, scares the shit out of me. It would only serve to enhance the feeling of loneliness and isolation I am feeling.

Has anyone any advice for me on how I can approach this with my therapist? I dont think I am in danger of killing myself, but I do have strong emotional feelings from this breakup that I need to address. Thoughts?