Did anyone else feel like they couldn't express their emotions as a kid (or even now), or like showing anger or standing up for yourself was practically some horrible sin?

I think part of it was just my nature, but also how I was raised. I had (have) a BPD mom who had too many emotions, and a dad who showed too little emotion (except anger). I think they both were invalidating of my feelings at times, and at the absolute least neither of them exactly did much to validate or teach us how to have healthy emotions.

I feel like it was also seeing my (BPD) mom do stuff like getting really angry at a cashier or fighting with my dad too angrily over dumb things or something, me being embarrassed or stressed, and never wanting to be like that. But basically, I've had tons of different problems showing emotions, and often just pushing them down when I felt I couldn't express them nor handle them. But it's also not even just trouble showing emotions, it's feeling like it's bad or wrong or something.

I feel like it was also seeing my (BPD) mom do stuff like getting really angry at a cashier and me being embarrassed, or her fighting with my dad and getting really angry and me being stressed, or her getting extremely sad and dramatic over something relatively small, and me never wanting to be like that.

Whatever the reason, it's like any time I do something that *might* be showing anger, standing up for myself, or basically just not being the best, nicest, doormat of a person, I'll still feel wrong sometimes. It feels almost "sinful" or something, like I'm doing something wrong and the "right" thing to do is... be nice, hold in my emotions, shut up and put up with something for someone else, choose the choice that's putting someone else before myself, etc.

I've still dealt with it as an adult as well, but I've gone through spells where it's not nearly as bad when my mental health in general is better. For a while now it's been bad again, and I'm seeing it happen again. I live at home, and a while ago I was about to take the last piece of cake, not totally sure if my brother had gotten any yet, and felt like it would just be some horribly wrong thing for me to do. That's just a silly small example, but I see that sort of thinking/feeling happen to much.

&amp;#x200B;

Does anyone else experience this sort of thing? Were any of you raised to be unable to express emotion or ashamed of it, and/or do you feel that way now? Does anyone else feel like... *wrong* or shameful for showing emotion/standing up/expressing themselves?