I've been on a wild goose chase looking for the source of my problems and I am hoping that I have finally found it. Just tell me, have any of you have a similar stuggle?

Alright, so I love my AP Psychology teacher. A lot. Too much. An insane amount. So I do what I do best and fuel my passion into research and creative expression. I make a bunch of creative pieces related to her class, and turn them in after class accompanying compliments about her clothes, hair, or pretty eyes. I'm handling it like a master in real life, but underneath my mask the tides brew... I can't stop emailing stupid shit to her. And then I regret it and send more shit to try and make it up to her. It keeps going on and on. 

If she doesn't respond to my email then I assume that I have fucked it massively and she hates me. I feel extreme depression and contemplate suicide for, say 30 minutes or so, and then I cry myself out and revert to a lack-of-seriousness-manic-retarded mood. The depressed mood also included sniffing sharpies and jerking off afterwards. Every time I see her in real life, no issues whatsoever are apparent and she seems chill with all the dumb shit I've been saying, but I can't. Fucking. Rationalize. It.

It's like I have a crazy delusion about our "relationship". I wallow in it to enjoy the feelings of love and to slurp up any attention she gives me. But if anything happens that pokes a hole in my delusion, and says that she "hates" me, then it all unravels and my mood goes nuts. I REALLY thought that this was a part of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a supposed part of ADHD, but maybe a lot of "ADHD" people are actually just Borderline.

I went to get tested for ADHD today and the doctor said that it returned negative, but BPD, anxiety, and mild autism were returning positive, so I'm desperate to get a handle on my true identity. I was thinking I had ADHD for so long that the news that I didn't have it had me crying for 30 minutes. But now here I am, "happy" as a clam; BPD is my new sense of identity. 