I am waiting to enter a detox facility for cannabis abuse.  I have posted recently about my issues with getting off cannabis.  I'm worried about how my Impulsive BPD will come out in an institutional detox setting.

I'm a 30 year old female and since recently was able to use cannabis (2 grams per day, bongs) while working my first time full time job.  I was diagnosed in 2008 but my mother (who was raised by a diagnosed and very manipulative person with Histrionic Personality Disorder)  and emotionally/physically abusive father (I think BPD) liked the idea that I was just a drug addict and I focussed on pot being the cause of all my personality issues.  

I knew that I had major interpersonal issues long before I used a drug.  If anything, drugs helped me stop acting out the bad behaviours I had learnt - at least until a tolerance is built against CBD and my BPD is worsened.

I quit my job about 2 months ago.  I needed to quit because I had gone through a lot of rage incidents lost most of my clout professionally due to my behaviour and was only assigned small menial work tasks.   One co worker told me I had poor emotional control in front of our whole team, so I don't blame their work scheduling decisions, although I spent most of the last 2 years trying to convince anyone in the company I was being victimised. 

I was trained into this role within a company I started menial job at 10 years ago, so I don't have any experience outside of it, hence I'm not sure what to do next.  I haven't finished a degree, despite beginning 4 (when I stop smoking weed).  I have chosen the degrees I did to impress previous boyfriends, anyway.

I had 3 FPs, one died suddenly in front of me at the age of 34 at our workplace this Feb '17, the other I stopped talking to out of shame after a BPD rage in March '17, leaving me with 1 FP who obviously has struggled being my only support for the last 9 months, and the brunt of my emotional abuse.

The death was less painful that other losses of FPs, because I didn't hurt the person and got positive attention from losing the person (I'm an impulsive borderline = histrionic tendencies = thanks grandma).   Otherwise I have a very mutually emotionally codependent, mutually emotionally unhealthy relationship with my parents.  Not any other relationships left despite being quite popular in my early 20s, I've deleted/burned/argued away so many relationships and friendships at the hint of rejection.

I don't have any hobbies outside of using drugs, being the centre of attention of my FP, reading and lurking the internet.   I have a good idea of style and fashion, but I know that this is largely to make people like me.  Because of my recent bout of self awareness I can't be bothered with the latter; it seems trivial and useless to invite people towards me given my poor interpersonal proclivities.  

My BPD child like hysteria makes most hobbies or trying anything new hard because I've only ever done things with my FP since starting school.  I have never hung out in groups, preferring to just stay with my FP since starting school.  I was a very big bully in group situations to protect how I appear and throw tantrums etc.   I know this is largely because before 5 years old I spent all my time with my parents and HPD grandmother, all with very poor interpersonal skills.  Since the first 20 years without pot were just shameful BPD outbursts, now at 30 I'd prefer to sit at home with a bong.  

The amount of weed I smoke is making me feel physically sick which is a less obvious style of my BPD self harm I believe.  I have a brother with Down's Syndrome, and because of our upbringing, he is now suffering too from mental illness.  I need to make sure I can be around for him since he is not properly looked after emotionally. My HPD mother would prefer to take him to a healing man in Bali for his depressions to get a trip out of my step father than have a psychologist question her.  Him, my health and my 1 remaining FP have made me go to detox.

&amp;#x200B;

Today I'm starting to taper down my weed consumption to prepare for the detox using mertazapine, but I'm not sure what to do if I'm not excessively smoking, given my own behaviour issues.  So I'm on the internet - posting rather than lurking, I guess.   

When I get to detox, and stop smoking 4 grams a day, I'm worried how I'll behave.  This will be the hardest part, working on my personality disorder rather than trying to smoke it away.  Will my partner, who has supported me, not answer a call and I'll flirt with someone there?  Will I start fights with other patients and staff and cut myself off from the social and professional supports I need?  Who knows, I do.

I don't have a question just wanted to share my story in attempts to feeling less alone, something that is quite new to me.  I'm at this point of unemployment, social isolation, drug addiction so I thought I'd post.  I know my self awareness is helping me work through my issues because I can address them, but it's still scary and hard to not want to end it all (thank goodness for my brother).

Anyway, if you've gotten this far, thanks.

Did any impulsive borderlines find a hobby that was absolutely great?

Any good meditations?

Can anyone relate to any of the above?  

&amp;#x200B;