Daydreaming and drawing alone in my room is the only time I feel okay, becuase I don’t feel real, you know? I really hate myself and my actual life, I’m 17 and all my friends have restricted licences, jobs, active social lives etc, I really really want to be normal but I’m so lazy, anxious and I’m not as smart as them so it’s agony to be around others. I just keep fucking it all up, every day every time you can always count on me to make a big stupid obvious mistake and look like a pathetic useless idiot. It’s almost funny how much it happens, I can name each daily fuckup from the past 2 weeks.You’d think that I’d get used to it but It hurts just as bad every time- and THEN afterwards I can’t sleep at night becuase I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of my myself and I get a bit suicidal after 9:00 pm so I just listen to music and daydream to stop thinking about myself, meaning I get no sleep, so I’m all stupid the next day and proceed to fuck up again. My life is an ouroboros of shame and it’s only going to get worse from here. I know I have to get a job and do real-people stuff, and that means I can’t draw and stop being real for as long as I can now. It’s driving me insane and I’m so scared. I don’t want to be myself and I don’t want to be here.

So umm if anyone wiser has a word of advice or sympathy I’m all ears. Thanks for reading sorry if it’s hard to read my grammar sucks