I'd say between birth and 2018 I was so non-confrontational, I wouldn't speak out of turn, I learned to keep my head down and crack on without causing dramas or offending anybody unintentionally. It was a good way to live and it meant I could struggle silently without having to use my mental health as "an excuse."

After 2018, I started feeling like I couldn't be that way anymore. I had to speak up and shout out what I was feeling. But I knew what was too much  what would hurt people and controlled what I would say.

Recently I've noticed I've lost that control. I am becoming so outspoken and I feel like I just watch myself from the inside say all of these things to people that I dont want to say. I started working from home, and I am working with the government to speak to patients regarding covid. But my training was a couple of days of reading through PowerPoints and a single video on empathy. I was furious and I slipped out on the manager and I know I shouldnt have. I apologised so many times and she forgave me and we moved on, though I got a new manager. Now this manager, he makes me very angry and I dont know why but I just dislike him so much. I flipped out on him yesterday about the way he does his job, as he power trips and is so unprofessional . I did this in the work group chat full of 60 people. Apparently his manager was moderating the chat, and now I have a disciplinary phone call in the morning at 10am. it is not 4am and I'm spiralling so bad. I dont know what's happened and why I've suddenly lost my filter.

I keep thinking, why is it always me that has these problems. everybody else in the group has been fine with both managers and the training. I've had similar issues in a previous job. I don't understand why I can't just keep my head down and get on with stuff.

I've had a similar problem in friendships. It's truly heartbreaking. I really just want to isolate from everybody forever, but I desperately need to work.