Woof, this is something I've been wanting to converse with fellow BP2s about. BTW, female here for context.

While in college years ago, I made a friend who ended up becoming a big part of my life (then). We had a lot in common and acted so attached at the hip that you could have sworn we were a couple. In reality, she was someone who I bonded with quickly and the relationship was always reciprocated - something people RARELY get.

Now, to preface what happened between us a year later, I want to clarify that I wasn't diagnosed yet at this time. Instead, I was on a mood stabilizer and antidepressant for general depression and anxiety disorder, and as college students do, I drank every weekend (probably to an extent I shouldn't have).

During this time I didn't notice how controlling I was, and when I would get drunk, I treated this person terribly and most others. Then came the death of a family member and a cancer diagnosis in my immediate family which really put things into a spin. Once that all mixed together, I was a miserable human with nothing but anger and insecurity inside of me.

I'll cut to the meat of the story now. This friend was cheated on by her SO and I took matters into my own hands but it eventually become my own vendetta (how DARE someone treat my person like that!). I believe at the time I felt like she was almost me and I had to protect her when it was really her life, not mine. It was an odd feeling, especially looking back at it now. Eventually, it caused friction in our relationship because of my issues with control and jealousy. I felt as though with everything else in my life that wasn't fair, it was unfair that THIS person I was so close with could be mad at me for "doing her a favor". It wasn't until it all fell apart that I realized it was on me for severing our bond apart.

Then two years later I finally get diagnosed, medicated, and in therapy. It was like all of a sudden I came out from this deep cloud and realized...damn, it was me and my hypomanic alcohol-driven self that caused it all...I can't believe I did those things.

The worst part of it all is that she was so fed up with me that she cut all ties. I understand why now, I was toxic, but everything in me at the time felt betrayed. I drove this person away and they'll never give me the chance to share why, and also apologize even though there isn't an excuse for it. It's been three years since it all went down, and I still feel like the door will never be closed on that chapter. It's a sick feeling.

She's also now in a relationship with the guy who cheated on her. Part of me believes that she wouldn't want to rehash things since a big part of it was because of said relationship. It's all fucked up... and as someone with BP2, the feeling of that emptiness never really goes away. I wish I could take back all the messed up things I did.