CW: sexual assault, suicide, self-harm

Basically over the past month I had to realize I got seriously sexually assaulted 4 times in my life already. 

The ONLY guy that has ever asked me for consent is my ex roommate who I had sex with ONCE. After this, eventhought some flirting happened beforehand,  he made it very clear he didn’t want more. It STINGS because the gremlin in my mind latched onto him like a baby monkey. 

For weeks after, I would obsess over every convo we had. I had nightmares of him killing or abandoning me or comitting suicide himself. Besides my “casual” nightmares about SA.

I nearly committed suicide over this guy. Multiple times. Because I had sex with hime, once.

When I FINALLY moved out, I was so relieved and it eased my mind SO much not to be around him anymore. Dealing with the shame of his rejection AND the SA traumas I was going through. The sheer panic I had everytime I had to go home to my parents and leave this guy.... Eventhough “being with him” meant sitting on the other side of the wall and maybe talking once or twice a day.

The other day I saw him again and for some reason my mind can not stop thinking about him, thinking we have some kind of connection. “That it must be something”. I told him about the SA and that its hard for me to be in my old house, and he said he felt sorry for me so “tHaT mUst meAn soMeThiNg riGht”.

And now I am home and life feels painful and useless because I can not be with him. And I feel like a loser because I am even thinking of being with him, eventhough I know rationally I dont want to. The chemical imbalance in my brain just makes me think I need this guy or I will pass away and it’s embarassing and it....

Hurts.