So here it is, some of you may know I post in here sometimes to address things from my BPD.

Anyway going back 2 years ago I was in the most toxic relationship I have ever experienced. We would cheat on each other. She had my baby, doesn’t allow me access at this current moment. Anyway, like I said very toxic and both cheating... so I sleep with this one girl and it’s like a 1 time thing, it was impulse, it was me making a really bad decision knowing how self destructive it would be for me and my relationship. About 4 weeks after the incident I find out that the girl was pregnant!. Obviously I know I should of used protection and all that great stuff but I didn’t so I message her as soon as I find out to see if it’s true and it is. I ask her is it mine could it be mine? But you know all the questions coming at 1000mph. She tells me no it’s not mine it’s her bloke that she is seeing at the time. 

So last week the baby’s “dad” has done a DNA test and turns out the baby is not his, his mate has also done one too. He’s not the dad either. Now I know I’m gonna have to take one. I can’t believe it has come this far to the point now it’s effecting my mental health...

Questions that keep flowing in my head are like.

Why? Why did she let it go this far if she had doubt.
What am I supposed to do? I fucking hate kids? (They’re annoying, I have 2 already and love them very much I promise) but baby’s and stuff is a no go. Me and my current partner argue because I always say I don’t want know more.

I actually really can’t believe my life has be changed drastically because they’re may be a little me running about that I don’t want and definitely didn’t mean for this type of life.

I’m struggling like fuck I feel so evil, like I can’t believe I may have put a life on this planet and don’t care for it. The whole situation is screaming red flags 🚩 and suicidal thoughts. This situation is massively above my head and I feel like I’m fucking drowning.

FML!

Thanks to anyone who actually reads this. I don’t know what going to happen and I hope for the baby the mother finds out everything she needs to do.