To cut to the chase, I simply feel too broken for absolutely anyone in my life. Especially my boyfriend.

I am still only a teenager, I’m supposed to be going out and enjoying my relationships, but instead I am in a constant state of fear.  If I don’t get a text back within a few minutes, my mind instantly jumps to feeling abandoned and wondering if I’ve annoyed my boyfriend. Yet.. I can go months without talking to other people. I can isolate myself from everyone except my boyfriend and maybe a few other people.

I feel too broken for him, though. I feel too broken for anyone in general. I don’t think I’m deserving of love- I’m overdramatic and have way too many needs. I don’t even bother telling my boyfriend about my needs because I don’t want to be a nuisance. He hasn’t done anything (besides small things that my brain perceives as a slight) to hint towards this, though, it’s just my baggage. I have way too much baggage. I feel like I’m way too hard for anyone to handle, and my boyfriend doesn’t deserve that.

Any little thing can set me off. However, I’m able to hide it well, because I know how destructive I can be with some of my particular BPD symptoms. I just suffer internally. I constantly have doubts about my relationship and I’m afraid to open up to anyone in my life- in fear of being taken advantage of again.

I hate how I am. Any text not answered in my ideal time frame or any lack of enthusiasm in a conversation makes me want to die. I feel worthless. Sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend- or any of my friends for that matter- chose to get close with me. I feel like I’m sucking them dry. I wonder if it’s better off that I cut them off and just be alone.

Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to get this off my chest. I wish I felt worthy of love, and I wish I was confident in my relationships.