A while ago my whole self worth and happiness was based on how many friends I had, who liked me and what people I spoke to that day. I didn’t really care if they were bad people or not, I was just lonely and desperate for friends. 

I’m not like that almost at all anymore but that I’ve sort of withdrawn from that mindset I’m realising how sad being around people is making me. 

I used to breakdown from the slightest hint of rejection from someone - and my mood has constantly been so up and down that other people have definitely noticed 

I’m perfectly okay with being alone now but I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m being involved with people which is making me extremely,, depressed?

I’ve deleted most social media and I feel much better doing that, I didn’t go out with people much for months due to some mental health things and lockdown, and when I finally reconciled with my social life I almost got into a relationship which I definitely was not ready for and it has already taken quite a big toll on my mental health since I couldn’t handle it. 

I’ve went out quite a lot this summer with friends but it just doesn’t feel fun? It just feels like some bland experience that I can look back on and convince myself that my life is exciting. 

At times where things overwhelm me I completely ignore everyone for days - It’s some sort of withdrawal from everything and swaps the depression for anxiety instead.

But I feel so,, at peace being alone during those times despite how unhealthy it is to just run away from the world. 

And one of my friends told me that they think they were relatively happy because they’re not involved with so many people. And it’s all I can think about.

If I wasn’t so desperate to make friends and constantly talked to anyone and everyone, I could’ve avoided a relationship which broke me for a year and still affects me every single fucking day. I could’ve avoided so many arguments and so many horrible situations. I could’ve avoided the near-relationship which I couldn’t handle because he was acting the exact same way my ex did. 

I know so many people and I hate it. I hate being some sort of background character in peoples lives in which they can distort in their minds so easily through rumours and gossip. And I’m so sick of competing for peoples validation. 

I like my friends but I don’t like being around them. I don’t like conflict. I don’t like talking shit about people. I don’t like having to be careful about what I say. I don’t like the constant passive aggressiveness from my close friends. The  constant gossip. Being cancelled on and lied to just to find out they went out with someone else instead. The subtle feeling that you’re being left out. Not being able to speak up on your friends’ twisted opinions and judgements. Constant arguments between friend groups. And the lingering sense that you’re just not liked. 

My problem is that I’m so sensitive and while I’ve worked on my mental health so much in the past year I still feel like withdrawing. I’m so much better than I was - I can handle rejection pretty much most of the time now but there’s still days where I just want to escape from everyone.

I care about my friends so much and I empathise with them almost excessively to the point their problems really affect me.  But there’s just things some of them do, have done, and say. My closest friend can be horrible sometimes and I know I can’t say anything because they refuse to be wrong and can so easily get all of our friends to hate me by twisting the story and creating a massive argument which they have already done in the past with me and other people. Rejection like this I can definitely not handle fair or not. 

I literally don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep running away.  I love my friends but they make me so fucking sad. I love the experiences and outings and the confidence I’ve gained and the new opportunities but I literally can’t handle this anymore 

help ??????