obviously...i fucked up a lot in my life, especially when i didnt even know what BPD was. did a lot of messed up things to "protect" myself that i thought were 100% justified and only now realize they were not. im sure yall can relate. 

while i am full of regrets, the one thing i cant seem to get past is how i treated my current boyfriend/FP during past episodes. he has basically forgiven me for all of it. he tells me over and over that he is happy to be with me, feels like i push him to be his best self...he doesnt feel like he needs to "walk on eggshells" and thinks i am the kindest person hes ever met. 

for the first time ever, i am now getting the help i need. i had kind of shitty mental health professionals at the beginning of my BPD showing through. they didnt really do much of a test to diagnose me. just said i was depressed and anxious, so all i did was once a week CBT that didnt do shit and got prescribed medication that also didnt do shit. 

I finally got a long, comprehensive test done at the best psychological center in my city which in fact confirmed i have all 9 symptoms of BPD. I met with the therapist already and really liked her. In addition to that, I will also be starting a weekly DBT course. Because of my past experience with medication, I would like to avoid it, but am willing to take it if i need to. I am willing to do anything to get better.

And yet...i hate myself and I think I am abusive to my boyfriend. The dumbest part is that my boyfriend, who is literally the sweetest soul, has lost his patience a few times. For example, hes thrown an object. He's punched a pillow. He's grabbed me to keep me from walking out on him. Typed out this way, out of context, these sound like terrible things, but i have no problem seeing that these were things he did in moments of great psychological despair before he knew any better. He has taken active steps to not do those things anymore...we keep a distance during arguments because him yelling too close to me triggers my fight/flight response, dont put our hands on each other at all anymore (id like to stress that we never actually hurt each other...but it's still very bad to use hands at all in an argument, no matter how gentle), if he feels overwhelmed with rage he asks for time alone, and respects me when i ask for the same. i completely forgive him! 

why oh why cant i forgive myself. i am ill. i am taking responsibility for my health and i think i could really beat BPD honestly. im doing literally everything i can but as soon as i think back to what i did in the past, i split on myself. the same compassion ive extended to my bf i just cant extend to myself. i guess therapy is the only way to get over this feeling, but i just hate it so so so much that i wish it would go away NOW. i am actually so lucky that i didnt completely ruin this relationship, but sometimes i feel like it would have been simpler if i had.