Hello. Im a 21 year old guy and for the past 16 years ive been struggling with a very serious liver disease that has had a huge impact on my life. People with this sort of disease usually live up to 35-40 years with the right medication and diet. I've recently decided to give up on medication because its side effects caused more harm than good and i wanted to live my life somewhat normally. Im currently only taking pain meds. Ive dedicated my life to making other people happy cuz the smile on other peoples faces always made me the happiest. Ive only told a handful of people about my disease cuz i used to get treated very differently when people found out (i felt like a wounded puppy). But recently it has become a bit more of a problem since my health has started to slowly get worse. When im with people i really dont think about my problems that much so i spend very little time at home cuz im scared to be alone with my thoughts. I have a girlfriend that i love very much but i havent yet told her about my disease and ive really been thinking its really unfair of me to have even gotten into a relationship. I really dont think im that unhappy with my life. I like my job, i have a very supportive family n friends... But being alone... Its hard to put into words how much i love people around me and how much i wanna see them happy but i cant tell/show them cuz once it will be time to go i dont want them to be sad. Im afraid of making meaningful connections with people cuz i dont wanna hurt them. Ive been to therapy when i found out my disease cant be cured but i never really felt like it helped me be better it just helped me seem better to people around me. I would say i hide my sadness behind a smile cuz im geniunly happy when im around people. So im stuck right now. I dont know where to go from here cuz i dont wanna be stuck in a loop of avoiding "me time". Ive tried drugs and to be honest psychadelics have made the situation much better but not good at all (i wanna make it completely clear that ive always made sure to know everything there is to know about the drug i was about to take and have always took it only once as an "experiment". So far i smoke weed semi regularly and do psychadelics once every two months and it seems to keep me on track so far but im scared that it might not help anymore one day). (I dont condone the use of drugs at all. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE make your own research if you do wanna experiment and be as careful as u can. If youre not sure about it dont do it)