i get so frustrated sometimes. i love my parents, they’re very supportive and some of the best people i know—but they can be harsh, and they can be aggressive, as well as dismissive. growing up, they’d always get mad at me for the smallest of things. whenever i tried to communicate with them how i feel, and why i feel like i’m struggling so much, they would just yell at me and undermine my emotions. i remember in junior high, struggling with school, and having my parents scream that i wasn’t doing good enough. i attempted to express to them that i was having difficulties concentrating and had no motivation to do anything at all, and that, despite that, i was still trying my best to do well in school. this was met with sentiments like, “you need to grow up,” and “it’s all in your head”; “everyone gets like that”; “i’ll take your phone away.” i’d go to my room and cry, and nothing ever changed. in high school, when it became clear that i was almost entirely incapable of doing anything on my own, they finally get me tested: diagnosed with add, anxiety, and depression. anxiety and depression never quite sat right with me, even at a young age, so my diagnosis of bpd came as no surprise to me.

when i started dbt, i remember going over how bpd is (or rather, can be) a nature + nurture thing. when this came to light, i began questioning how my parents could have any point in “making” me like this. and i realized, how many times they completely disregarded anything i ever said or did and turned it against me, made me more sensitive and highly reactive. 

i say all this, because, to this day, even after trying to work with them through my/out issues, they reject any perspective that includes them factoring into my bpd. once more, they completely diminish my emotions and refuse to take responsibility. i don’t want to say that they are entirely to blame, but i just wish they would accept that they have been neglectful towards me; i wish they would just accept that, because i want to work on having a better relationship with them. now, i feel like i can’t talk to them about anything, mental health-related or otherwise. i can’t stand to be around them sometimes...

and it sucks, cause they’re so cool and generally understanding, even if they haven’t always been that way towards me. all of my friends recognize this... and when i try to explain to them my internal struggles and my relationship with my family, it is disregarded. it’s always in my head. to them. to my family. to everyone. even to me.

it just sucks that nobody cares to know how i feel, and even when they try to, they end up saying that i shouldn’t feel that way. i wish it were that easy. 

anyways, idk, i just wanted to vent that out.