so, to start the thing is, i think i have depression or some mental illness and im in an existencial crisis for a long time now, and these two together i just discovered its not a good combination
and i dont know what to do, i really tried to get some help with my mom and im always sending signals to the people close to me and i know the majority of them know im not okay and just ignore it maybe thinking i will get better or smth
but im really starting to worry abt myself and im just freaking out because its too overwhelming
because of the crisis i cannot see a meaning for life, i cannot see why its worth living yk, im starting to use drugs (alcohol and cigarettes) part of me think this is pathetic and dont want to but other part just dont care and think that in the end i will die anyway

i just
dont know what to do really, im tired of trying to get help, i am scared of therapy, im in a lot of fisical and mental pain and confused why i feel like this in the best moment of my life