

Today, I was talking to my therapist who I have been seeing for 3 weeks and when we started our session today, I was very tired because I didn't sleep all night.  He asked me what was wrong when I was hyperventilating a bit and when I told I didn't sleep last night, he said ok. He had no follow up on why. He then started talking about schema therapy and the scientific terms within in for the next 45 minutes without a single interaction with me. He did not even check in with how I was feeling before started talking for 45 minutes straight. He also in between talked about how childhood trauma because of invalidating parents cause certain negative schemas and he went on to say , 'unfortunately none of our parents are perfect'. After 45 minutes, he gave me assignments on what to do and was about to wrap up without check with me still , although our session is for 1 hour long. I was initially excited for my therapy to discuss a lot of things but by that time,  I was feeling really sad because of a 45 minute monologue and also unempathetic behavior probably and I brought it up to him. To this, his hypothesis was that I am probably overwhelmed by the amount of work there is do. I half agreed and then brought up how it's been difficult to accept that I won't have a normal life like most of my friends who have a natural will to live while I am constantly fighting suicidal thoughts.  To this , he disagreed. His response was 'I don't think they all have a natural will to live, they all nurture the healthy part of them and that's why they are able to fight and even I had suicidal thoughts 3 months back. Everyone feels like that when things arent good''. After this I tried explaining how not everyone feels that way when life gets rough but even if they do, that's not how I experience them. The way I feel is constantly suicidal even during good times because there is always the slightest things that feel overwhelming and sometimes it feels like life is too difficult cause of its intensity. But he just responded saying that it will all go in therapy to just focus on the process. There was no emotional support what so ever. It felt very mechanical and very invalidating. It is even worse cause of the fact that he was so validating the first couple of sessions and now I feel my imposter syndrome is back with more intensity. Cause I feel maybe the longer he spoke, the more he understands I am faking it , kind of thoughts. I feel like I am weakling for being sick and also I feel so misunderstood.  Please help me understanding if I am overreacting.  Cause that is something that happens and I am scared I might be splitting.  I am a mess really.