And I'm the cage. My rapid spiralling and overzealous self blame make me impossible to come to even with constructive criticisms. I didn't think this was the case, I genuinely thought I was almost always mindful about hearing him out, responding to things as thoughtfully as possible or at least letting him know if I needed time to think on something before I could reply, but I also know I have a habit of shutting down under criticism if I'm already feeling low on myself. it's hard for me to take anything negative about myself as anything but a window into the state of my broken being if I'm not in a pretty positive headspace before that. Even then, depending on the severity of the criticism I might start getting self destructive. ***(CW: very vague references to self harm ahead)***

He talked to me about it last night and I can't get it off my mind. He's literally my FP and just seeing him smile or being in the same room with him makes an awful week seem kind of worth it, and I just want to be able to return that favor. And the kicker to all of this, is he came to me to express the need for me to not take everything as a personal statement about myself, and look what I'm here doing .n. I can't stop feeling overwhelming shame and guilt and the urge to self destruct. Literally the only reason I didn't relapse last night is because after our talk he invited me to watch a show with him instead of leaving me alone, and then by the time I got alone time I needed sleep more than anything. Genuinely debating on if I should let myself do that today, but I'm terrified if he finds out it'll just end the relationship. And I couldn't blame him, because what hope is there for me if I flip out and hurt myself less than 24 hours after a conversation about how my responses to issues are making him feel trapped? To be fair, it's been a little over 7 months since I've done this and there are SO many other factors pushing me to this decision. but idk if he would find that believable/if the timing would be too perfect for him to handle.

At this point a week in a psych ward almost sounds like a dream, but I literally can't afford to take a week off work because of rent and bills. so I guess I'll keep going til I REALLY break, because I simply don't have another option.

If you read this far thank you, I needed to get some stuff off my chest more than anything but if you feel like you have advice or anecdotes or other helpful things I'm extremely open to it. This current path is unsustainable.

Obligatory apology for any formatting/capitalization/spelling issues as this is being typed and posted from mobile.