no words could ever uplift me anymore, nothing can ever help me. i'm at the lowest point of my life and i will never get out off it anymore. my only escape and option is to kill myself and i'm sure with that. i hate my life, i hate being me, i hate how my mind think, i hate how my body reacts. i'm just waiting for my graduation this senior year and i will end everything by summer. i feel guilty but i honestly can't do this anymore, i'm tired convincing myself life will get better, i'm tired fighting, manipulating and gaslighting myself that i will be fine, i'm just completely tired. 

&amp;#x200B;

i can finally say that i accept defeat. i wrote letters for my parents and really close friends here on my laptop which they'll probably read when i'm gone. i've realized how much grief and sadness i will cause them, i'm guilty but nothing could ever change my mind anymore. my mom always talks about hanging my pictures on the wall, because she's proud of me and my achievements she even hired workers to build a new wall inside our house for my pictures. i feel really bad and guilty whenever i hear her talking about that, that's why i've decided to stay a little more, so i could give her my last gift, my graduation picture. 

&amp;#x200B;

Mom, i'm sorry. I can't make it to college anymore.