Hello.

Long story short, I used to be a perfectionist in school, completely focusing 100% of my time on my schoolwork or my part-time job (that I didn't actually need). I had few friends, didn't partake in clubs.  I studied the "right" things because I'm a huge people pleaser, and I worked outside or school because my parents literally harassed me for a months about it when I was 17 and struggling in school with math and physics. (For the record, I had a paper route from ages 12-16). I worked every summer, most weekends, and holidays. While it's nice having some money, this part-time job I had was in customer service and it fucked me in the head. I'm scared of people now, always afraid that saying something wrong will set them off. I've always been extremely shy but now I struggle to say anything.

I hated every minute of my degree, I hated my part-time job, and now I have a full-time job that I hate. I'm always on LinkedIn and all the jobs I could reasonably have (based on my degree) would make me as miserable as I am now. I literally cannot do this anymore. I'm so unhappy and I have been for so long. I can barely keep up with minimum upkeep (not brushing my hair everyday, only doing my laundry when I'm completely out of clothes, my bedroom is a fucking mess, I wouldn't eat if I wasn't living with my parents still).  I think this has been going on so long that my parents don't think I'm doing poorly. I literally told them this weekend that I was thinking of checking myself into a mental asylum, very seriously, and they laughed it off. They are so concerned with my brother's mental health for some reason. But not me.

I haven't got a clue what I want from life because I have zero personality. I have zero willpower and honestly my decision-making sucks ass. Every decision (or absence of decision) has been terrible for me. I'm lonely. I thought I had a good thing going with my best friend but she isn't replying to me (no idea what happened there. Last time we talked, everything went okay). I hate everything about myself. I wish my interests and strengths were different, so that I could be happy doing what I'm doing. I hate everything about myself.

Technically I can go back to school. I'm still young. Some people around me think it would be a good idea. My parents do not. They think I'd be going part-time while continuing my full-time job (fuck me sideways, that would take me 10 fucking years). They simply can't seem to understand that I'm not a little happy, successful camper. They keep asking me about a boyfriend because babies are what comes next on their "to-do" list of life. My little queer ass don't want to impose life on anyone else. 

My dad says that your 20s are made to grind and work obscene hours. People in their 20s aren't made to grind, they have to, to make ends meet, damn it!

I have nothing lined up as far as job is concerned, if I were to quit now. College is starting again next week and I'm taking one night class for fun. I could theoretically take more than that, but the date for applying to one specific program has passed so I would just be studying... whatever. My passport is going to expire and delays in Canada are so ridiculous that even if I sent my demand in today, I have an estimated 17 weeks wait ahead of me so I can't just go travel around Europe.

I tried seeing an online therapist (something legit, recognized by the psychologist order in my region, not betterhelp) and that wasn't a match. The therapist told me I didn't have big life problems. I suppose it's true, but I feel like my mental health is such a mix of fucked up that it's hard to get me when only discussing for 50 minutes via zoom. I'm lucky I haven't developed a taste for alcohol or tried drugs because if you told me I could get drunk or shitfaced and temporarily stop feeling of thinking, I would be an alcoholic, no doubt about it. I want to feel numb. I want the pain to end.

 The public system is overwhelmed and the few psychologists I have reached out in the private sector are also completely overwhelmed.  6 months waiting list. 10.

Seek help, they say. But WHERE is the fucking help? Talk about it, they say. But my parents don't hear me. My BFF doesn't reply to me.