I broke today. Broke harder than ever. 

My friend told me again, that he was thinking of killing himself. Essentially begging me for permission to do so. I reassured him that he needs to try therapy again, that trying anything else is always the better option. He left it with him attempting therapy tomorrow. But that he wasnt hopeful it would go well.

A little while after while driving. My mind exploded, I screamed at the top of my lungs for 10 minutes straight. Asking nobody, why? Why me. Why is he choosing me to be responsible for his life. The anxiety, the pressure. Its too much. I wanted then and there to just drive into incoming traffic, to spare myself the agony. 

Instead I drove home, walked past my family and fell into my bed, throat in pain from the screaming. I slept for an hour, and woke up, refusing the open my eyes. 

I felt like I was floating, my head was swimming and surging sensations of adrenaline were coursing through my skull. Popping visuals behind my eyelids accompanied the rush in my chest. 

It was like I was moving, through a forest in the near pitch black. But it felt like I was drowning. 

Then I woke up with my heart thumping. It felt like I was going to have a heart attack. 

I cant do this anymore. I cant feel like I am responsible for the life of my friend. I have tried, so hard and so long for him. Since we were kids, but I think it's finally starting to kill me.