I've been having a difficult time lately just existing. It's been rough, painful and lonely, feels like nobody actually gets it. There are those who are willing to be supportive and kind but at the end of the day, it feels like everyone is going on their own version of 'You of all people should be able to do this, you should make any change you set your mind to' 

I'm not sure where they are getting this confidence from but I don't have it at all. I'm at my lowest in terms of self esteem and barely keeping it together. I'm tired of all the unhelpful advice I keep getting and people pretending that the reason I won't succeed is because I don't do it like they're saying. There's this idea they seem to have, that I'm not trying at all. It sucks so bad, being told that directly or indirectly, being able to see and understand what they mean, constantly hearing of wasted potential and how I'm living life on easy mode and still unable to do half of what others are doing. Being told you must be pampered af to have the things you do. 

Well I got to pay silly costs for all the things I currently have! I get to live with these stupid depressive episodes, while being unable to completely lose it all. I get to live on this fun edge where I stand and pretend that everything is alright just so I don't fall apart the next moment and contantly being told about how I should live better, try harder, use my full potential, act like an adult and whatnot. Ultimately I'm just tired and exhausted every single day, sleepless at nights and tired the next morning. 

I understand there is only si much complaining those around me can take as well, they do mean well, no doubt but ultimately it means nothing. The last therapist I went to didn't believe I was depressed or sad, he told me I had gotten comfortable and wasn't trying hahah. Even I know, the moment you relay history of self harm, you're considered depressed and will be put up for counselling/ therapy or on meds lol. But it is what it is, everyone around me says a version of that. Idk if I'm just faking it anymore  or if there is a real problem. I'm kinda hoping I am faking it. Then just like they say, I'll magically start feeling better. It's not like those around me have different rules for me and others, not like I constatnly feel excluded due to thir actions and get told I don't join them or get along with them or anything. 

It's rather amusing to me, to be told I seem to have really low self esteem and then when I mention feeling I look fugly or I can't believe someone would consider me pretty or being unable to accept a compliement, the same people get annoyed and say I'm just pretending. If you hate something bout yourslef, change it. 

I'm learning, I'm starting from scratch. I don't think they see it or get it but it's tiring, doing everything that is required of you and still being told that you aren't doing enough. I can't care for myself, can we just let that be a good enough reason to help me learn? Sure I've always had people around me but I was never cared for in the same way becasue I can obviously do everything by myself and take care of msyelf, well the joke's on me. I can't. I'm trying to learn things people learned when they were 3 or 4 now at 25. Wish me luck, maybe I'll make it another couple years. Been waiting for my sudden death since 16, gave up suicide at 22 aftr failed attempst lol. It's kinda funny now maybe.. all of it.