I turned 30 during the pandemic-people say 30s are so much better than your 20s and I really hope so, but thus far, I'm not going to lie, I've been pretty depressed. I've had depression since I was a kid, so it's not new to me-but I also have anxiety and ADHD so at different times, different things will affect me. However, I do feel like I'm struggling finding the excitement in things lately. Because of WFH, I've been staying mostly indoors, in the same room I'll eat and do literally everything else. I try to get outside and go to the gym, or even work out indoors but for a few weeks I'll do awesome then I'll fall apart in my routine. I watch comedy TV to keep myself happy sometimes, try new hobbies/skills but no matter what, my energy level and enthusiasm eventually wears off and I feel too paralyzed to do anything. 

I don't have close friends and the lack of friendships is hitting me. Before the pandemic, I had a friend or two in the area and we'd meet up for random taco bell runs or something-even if I didn't feel 100% comfortable or "myself" with some friends, but at least it was a good distraction. Now my friend who lived close to me got married and moved away, my other friend is extremely busy with work. I had one co-worker who became my good friend during the time we started jobs together, she shared so many details of her life, her friends, her breakup, but now that she got married, I think I'm not very relevant anymore. I haven't spoken to her in months. 

I have no other friends otherwise really. I was never anybody's best friend for ages, so I'm not very central in people's lives. I deleted instagram because all I'd see is people getting engaged and married or friends of people throwing elaborate parties for them and I know there's no friend in the world I can think of who will do that for me. I have never been in a relationship and to be honest was never really too interested in one-but now that everybody my age is in one, it is in the back of my mind. I just hate the idea of forcing myself to talk to somebody on an app or purposely try to meet people to get them to like me, but I have no other choices. I've been trying apps for 5 years now, made a great profile and am conversational, but even though I myself am not interested or enthusiastic, the people I talk to are 100x less interested and enthusiastic, which makes me feel worse. My friends who got in relationships or married off of apps are surprised I can't find anybody but that's because they are more conventionally attractive than me-I feel like my self-loathing has gotten worse b/c I feel reminded people like me who are not very pretty have to try 100x as hard to prove ourselves. 

Idk just feeling bummed and low on energy and need a place to vent.