I've come to the conclusion that all my attempts to connect with others in times of distress are a form of avoidance. I know I lack meaningful connections that make me feel joy, but during the times when I get so distressed, I fien for connection and attention from others in a very desperate way. It never works. If someone does talk with me, I run them away with incessant questions about why I don't feel loved. 

I make them uncomfortable with all my implicit needs that I have no way to meet. I may say other things, but my body language and all of the space around me begs them to make me feel okay. Even if I could ask them to with words, I'd have nothing to say.

I'm not sure what another person can provide me with in those moments that I can't give myself. I'm not sure what to ask them for... I'm asking them to know for me.

I suppose I have to be okay with being me, the only person I can ever be. But it's such an intolerable thing to me, to be inside of myself all alone :( 

How do people do it? How do people find an abiding sense of okayness within themselves, independent of other people. I'll always want and need intimate relationships, but I've come to the realization that I need and want a stable self more than anything. 

Why don't I feel this okayness within myself? I'm not sure. I hate myself so much and I'm not sure why. But I really do. 

I have hobbies, interests, I've overcome huge challenges, I open myself up to new things. I'd like to do more. I just feel like nothing matters if no one loves me. And I'm afraid to waste my life... time is our most precious currency.