Being dropped into adulthood with no practice and no idea what’s going on, as much as I prefer a life that is stable, controlled, amplitude reigned on. Holy shit it’s boring.  

If this is what “normal” feels like its kind of boring. I know it’s  self destructive. But what i wouldn’t give to just feel that energy building and building as control slowly slips away...closer...closer, acting strictly by emotion.  Almost there, almost there and boom! That feeling that every cell in your body is vibrating, explosive. Acting with no capability to control it.  And it’s gone. Exhausted, calm, looks of terror from anyone close enough to witness it. 

Man what I would give to feel that, to feel that with intensity, good or bad. I wish people could experience it once and how amazing it feels to manifest amounts of energy that is seemingly impossible.  To feel how incredible it feels to just let go and let it take over.  It’s like an orgasm that every molecule in your body is having at once. It’s amazing aside from the systematic destruction of everything around you.

I’m happy that I’m in control, I’m thrilled that I don’t-disassociate and don’t go off over a seemingly minute detail.  I’m grateful my kiss and ex wife aren’t terrified to set me off.  I don’t want any of that to change, but living and feeling within the restraint of what is considered “normal”, call it what it is in comparison, it’s nice but boring as all hell.  

Recovery is a great thing and I’m thankful that I’ve made it this far.  But I do miss it.

Good luck, and be well.