On Monday I got some bad news that pretty much turned my world upside down. While it's not life-or-death it still puts my entire future in a state of uncertainty. Since then I've been living in a constant state of anxiety and haven't been able to eat or sleep, I'm exhausted and can't stop crying. Sometimes it's hard to even breathe. 

I keep thinking about my life before I got the news on Monday. It was by no means perfect and I still had BPD, I still had those feelings of emptiness and isolation. But at least I had a job I cared about and lived in city I loved. Now those two things - the only things that kept me grounded - have been yanked out from under me.

Now, I don't know what's the point of anything. I worked so hard to get where I am - to work in this field and live in this city was a goal I'd set my focus on for years. I could barely believe it when it actually happened, it took me a long time to even accept that I'd achieved something. 

Even when I was at my lowest I kept reminding myself I had those things to feel grateful for. I may not have been happy but I never took those things for granted. I knew I was lucky...and now it looks like my luck's run out.

I actually find myself longing for the days when "all" I was crying over was feelings of loneliness and emptiness, without the added anxiety and fear. I want to go back to that time when I was lying awake worrying about abstract notions instead of having this looming reality crushing down over me. 

I keep thinking 'was I not grateful *enough*?'. Was I so unjustified to be unhappy that the universe (or whatever higher power) decided to take away the only good things in my life? Was I a bad person in a previous life that I can't have nice things now? Am I a bad person now? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? 