Both my mom and I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the past. My therapist that I used to go to had concerns about potential schizophrenia because I would have auditory hallucinations, but this isn't unheard of with bipolar either. I never thought it was schizophrenia because bipolar just seemed way more likely based on other symptoms. Also, with my mom having bipolar, that just seemed more probable.

Now, at 46 years old, my mother's diagnosis has been changed to schizoaffective disorder because over the past 2 years, she has been exhibiting very obvious psychosis. Her mental state declined incredibly fast. She is now homeless and quit her job because she thinks her boss and the fbi are spying on her.

As if that wasn't difficult enough for me to process, I am coming to terms with the fact that I may also have schizoaffective disorder and could eventually develop similar symptoms. I have 2 friends that have schizophrenia that I've had to watch get more and more severe over the years, so I have a concept of what could happen over time.

I've been reflecting about things that I never really thought were symptoms before that I'm now suspicious about. I've seen ghosts before (I know, some of you are going to wonder why that wasn't a red flag before), but in some of these instances, there has been verification from other people confirming that there were actually ghosts. An example would be I saw a ghost and several days later, as someone was talking smack about the ghost, the scrunched up blinds came off the window and hit him. They went several feet horizontally instead of straight down. 2 people other than me and the guy that got hit saw it happen, and we could not figure out an explanation. Even the skeptical guy believed the ghost was real at that point. So after that and a few other similar instances, I just accepted that ghosts are probably real, and whenever I saw something weird that wasn't really there, I assumed it was a ghost.  🤷‍♀️

Obviously, I'm reevaluating this theory. I still don't understand how some of these instances were hallucinations, but other "ghosts" were definitely more suspicious. I wish I could talk to my therapist about this, but I no longer have insurance and am poor af.

I have a lot of anxiety about my mom and my future, and I don't even know how to talk to the people close to me about this. Every time I try, I just don't know how to verbalize it. I think part of me is scared I'll just make them anxious too. Of course I'm not asking for a diagnosis, but if anyone wants to share their similar experiences or thoughts, I'm interested in hearing them.