Hi everybody,

A bit of background: I was diagnosed last year with BPD and a Recurrent depressive disorder and currently I see a psychiatrist once every 2 months and a psychologist every 2 weeks and I take Brintellix 10 mg. Also, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease in January this year, so yeah life is quite shitty (pun intended).

A few things:

\- I recently worked in therapy on progressively letting my emotions resurface which I kept bottling for as long as I can remember, I did it as a coping mechanism to lessen the pain. 

\- I came back from holiday last week-end which I spent with friends and I had a really great time since a very long time.

So, to keep things short I had an episode on Sunday afternoon triggered by a video that I saw where a journalist was arguing with an ecologist and I perceived so much disrespect in that video, a lack of empathy and foresight regarding the global warming issues we face and we are going to face in the years to come that it tore me to shreds. 

But the worst is that I was still in a bit of euphoria after spending a few days with my friends and this euphoria was combined with a lot of unpleasant emotions and suicidal thoughts which caught me off guard and frightened me to the highest point with such overwhelming and opposites emotions that I didn’t (and still don’t) know how to handle I immediately thought about killing myself &gt;!waterboarding style!&lt;, but I managed to get through the evening by listening to music, filling my journal for my therapy and looking at a government website on how to handle suicidal crisis, because I felt really happy but in the same time really suicidal.

I thought I overcame it but the following day it was still unbearable and I took an appointment with my psychiatrist because my psychologist wasn’t available. I went to the appointment I explained the situation half crying (thing that I don't do often) and I gave him the notes about that episode he tried to calm me down which worked to a degree and asked me if I wanted to go to psych ward which I denied because I felt and still feel like shit but for the moment, I don’t actively want to kill myself but the intrusive thoughts where so intense that I felt I was endangered. I am well aware that it is an overreaction but for the moment I am not able to regulate strong emotions and it crushes me.

I’m sorry for the length and if the text isn’t in the best English possible, it’s not my native tongue.

Any advice or opinion is appreciated.

Thank you for reading.