I've been struggling with depression since I was 9-10, now I'm 26, I don't know who the fuck I am, for the past month I don't even know if I really am male or not and I feel like I'm genuinely going insane. I haven't finished high school, never had a job or girlfriend, I'm overweight and no matter how much I try I can't lose weight. And now I have no appetite most of the time and have no desire to eat, the only reason I eat is because my dad makes dinner and I don't want to alarm him.

I suffer from depression, agoraphobia or whatever it's called and selective mutism, and I realize this is how my entire life will be because I'm too scared to do anything. The only things I have in life besides for my 1 friend is gaming, writing Harry Potter fanfiction, anime and other nerdy things.

I've really tried to fight it but it's impossible, I told myself whenever I felt like shit to fight back but it doesn't work, it really doesn't so I don't want to hear it.

The only friend I have is getting married, he's younger than me, and here I am having done literally nothing with my life, obviously I want to feel happy for him but I can't feel happy about anything. I don't care what any "professional" has to say about getting better or how many psychologists tell me this or that, to not focus on my thoughts and so on. I've had so many psychologists but they all just give up in the end. 

I escape into my fanfiction writing, that's really the only time I can feel some fake version of "happiness", I've done this since I was about 11-12.

I've thought of overdosing on my anxiety medicine, but I'm a fucking coward and it will probably be slow and painful but I'm kind of used to that by now because I always have this feeling of getting crushed.

I don't know what I'm asking for, why I write this embarrassing rant-thing. Friends, hugs? I don't know if I even deserve friends because I've been so horrible to past friends and they've all left me except for this one guy that keeps putting up with me. Idk I'm just rambling at this point.

I guess some part of me still wants to feel better, and that's why I write this stupid thing on reddit. Judge me all you want, but mentally I'm done.

TLDR: Never done anything at all with my life and losing my fucking mind, 1 single friend, gaming/Harry Potter etc. is the only escape I have.