I have a good life, but I hate it. I’ve been suffering with depression my entire life. Whenever people tell me things will get better I just don’t see the point because I will die at some point and the pain and stress up to that point is unbearable. I don’t think the world is fit for me. I don’t feel right. I used to have a partner who had depression as well but while I liked having a partner, they couldn’t cope with a relationship which I am struggling to understand. Having someone who I felt normal around was a good feeling. It was the first time I felt normal. Now that they are gone I really feel like I’ve got nothing worthwhile, and it’s made me realise how gloomy life really is. I don’t want to kill myself but I’m terrified of the future. I know I’ll have a job and be successful but what’s the point? I really don’t think I’ll ever feel like I belong here. I feel like an outsider. And I’m scared it’ll only get more painful the longer I’m here. I believe my depression is partly due to my autism, it restricts me a lot and it’s causing me a lot of problems but it’s something that can’t be fixed. I’ve tried everything to improve it and it’s so painful to see that I’m not changing. This is my first time ever writing about my depression because it’s so hard to talk about and explain and I’ve never understood myself or known why I feel like this. I believe I can get better but I don’t know how