possible trigger warning(?)

i just need to vent.. it’s 1am, im laying down in the dark with my boyfriend who is sound asleep next to me..

i’m used to being able to peacefully fall asleep especially because of his presence. 

but tonight i just want to scream. i want to down nyquil. i want to smoke myself out into oblivion. i want something to knock me out instantly. i want my prescription xanax so i can just make these thoughts shut up. they won’t fucking shut up. they never fucking shut up and it destroys me almost every day (note** i don’t hear voices). 

these thoughts speak louder and louder and it prevents me from sleeping.. it prevents me from keeping my relationship stable (my heart aches from feeling delusional).. it prevents me from having a self esteem. i just want to sleep.. i want them all to fucking stop. my head physically hurts from this mental pressure. i’m so tempted to just down alcohol so i can blackout. intrusive thoughts are so powerful especially with the setting i am in. it’s a never ending cycle and it destroys all the good in my life. i just want to press a button and end it.

fuck you intrusive thoughts
make them stop make them stop 
i’m suffering in silence