I won't go too into details but this started when I was about 8 or 9 and went on until I was about 13. She has since passed away (Not that I care) but I'm noticing the impact of what this did now more and more.

I have a really bad fetish for watching porn with other girls now though it has been a while. The thought always excites me and I just go brain dead, and it kept putting me into situations and relationships with girls that are essentially porn addicts and I realize shit, I must be one too. And looking back I realized why I took comfort in it due to my trauma but I also know it's so so wrong, I feel like indulging in it just makes me worse and act stupidly. 

I keep thinking of porn as something pretty innocent and normal, and that is most likely solely because I was exposed to so much of it by my own mother. I sometimes forget it really isn't something a kid should see, I kept thinking if its not physically happening then it's completely okay. And only in nights after immense crying and thinking about my mom do I realize this.

I really need therapy but can't afford it at the moment... hopefully I can go really soon if my father agrees to pay. I need help and my thoughts are drowning me.