When I have episodes or rage attacks or what-have-you, I have NO impulse control, which I guess is the lack of emotion regulation that's inherent to BPD. I genuinely feel like I am a completely different person. I'm watching myself from the outside and I know that what I'm saying is wrong/irrational/manipulative but it's like I have word vomit and I'm 100% controlled by whatever intense emotion I'm feeling (usually anger). Everyone tells me "just keep your mouth shut" or "keep it to yourself" and I feel awful because I know I should be able to but it is just so incredibly difficult. If I could I would.

I have the impulse control of a 2-year-old and it's mortifying when I come out of it and see the damage I've done. It only feeds the self-loathing and the worst part is when everybody is looking at me like I'm a monster because I couldn't just chill out and keep my mouth shut and have some self-control. I am NOT trying to make excuses for taking things out on loved ones and I'm going back to therapy soon because of this resurgence in symptoms/issues. I just have been feeling so alone and ashamed.

When I've posted before, I've had others on support forums respond only by reinforcing to me that my behavior is unacceptable and I'm messed up, so I'm a bit scared to post this, but please know that I do realize that and I'm only trying to vent here about how shitty it feels. I know I'm fucked up at the moment and I'm doing what I can to fix it. It's just tough right now. I hope someone can understand?