I am a 21(m) I I have nothing going for me I live with my parents who I have no idea how they are so good to me I have no job I dont have my license I push my only friend away all I do is play video games to make me forget the pain for a little while and then reality sets in and I'm sad again I have had suicidal thoughts since HS started hs for me wasn't the best I'm not very sociable I'm awkward short, not attractive, obese none of this helped my anxiety ontop of that (this is kinda embarrassing and hard for me to talk about) I would smell, not BO but sweat or ass no matter how hard I tried not to it wouldn't change I would take a shower every morning put on deodorant I really don't know what I could've done to fix it, I honestly don't think that I have talked to a female for more than a few words let alone romantically if that wasn't enough the previous issue made this 10x worse I'm very much a introvert so I learned to be observant only with ppl looking at me or talking about me ppl think they are quiet but I can still hear. The way my school worked was we had 9 periods each 40 mins so when I did go to class I had to sit there for 40 mins being anxious which made it hard to learn so my grades were poor I barely graduated for my Jr and senior year half my day was spent off campus doing a vocational class mine was electrical I was also bad at this I'm not intelligent so it was hard. It's hard to go places cuz I'm so anxious and worried let alone a job. I just sit in my room play video games to keep me from thinking also go to sleep is hard because all of the bad memories of each and everything bad thing that happened in HS goes through my head sometimes I just have to cry enough to make me tired and it easy to sleep I just wish that it wasn't like this but I also don't have any motivation to do something about it I can't see myself ever being happy or at least not depressed I have a very bad masturbation addiction to feel good or most of the time just so I can sleep, the only 2 things that stop me from committing suicide is fear of death and how crushed my family would be but it seems like the only way to stop the pain