I'm such a mess right now that I don't think that I can even fill this post coherently, but I'm going to try. 

I've been suicidal and depressed for as long as I can remember -- my life has been one instance of holding and pulling myself together after the next. I have grown immensely tired. I don't want to live any more.

I have known that I am going to kill myself for some time now. My s/o, FP, whatever you want to call them, goes to school across the country. I was planning on having a few amazing weeks with her while she was visiting on break before I finally did the deed -- and even now things have gone to shit. She went to a NYE party without even inviting me, just another reality check. Don't get me wrong, she invited me after she knew that I was upset about not spending NYE with her, but that's not the point. I don't want to go along because she realized after the fact, I wanted to be in her mind all along. Anyways, small potatoes in the grand scheme of things.

I am not okay. I have not been okay in a long time. I am finally at peace with letting everything go -- I have nothing left to hold on to. I have no money, I can't work. I am not originally from America, and I lost my Certificate of Citizenship when my car got stolen. My fee waiver got denied, and I don't even have the 600 bucks required to get a new one, meaning I can't prove my right to work. I'm in limbo.

I'm literally a sinking ship, and with everything else I have going on mentally, I don't want to go on. I seek solace, I want peace.

Anyways, sorry for burdening you guys. I hope you all find your way in this world. I am just looking for my way out.

&amp;#x200B;