this is the first time i try to seek help because i am literally lost and i cant go to therapy so thought seeking help online would help  
first i am losing the sense of myself because idk anymore who actually i am or what i like in life i just lost interest in everything and even in talking to people because my mind always keeps telling me that i will be left alone by everyone and the lack of sleep because of all the dreams about me or the people i love dying makes me go completely insane and the worst part that i was raised with the idea of "men dont cry" so i literally lost the ability to cry and i die every time i cant cry when i have that big urge to cry.  
i used to be academically successful and i have entered the best medical school in my country and first year was pretty good even tho i have had problems in second semester but now i am in second year and it is being too hard to deal with depression especially that when i start feeling down i stop being able to concentrate at all either because of the huge amount of thoughts in my head or just not capable to concentrate i have failed in a course because i could not concentrate to study to its final.  
i am sry it ended up being long venting