21F, I had to make the decision to put down my cat, he had an invasive cancerous tumor in his face and was in so much pain. He had stopped eating and drinking water. My worst fear became reality when he fought me and cried the whole trip to the vet, he fought the vet, he fought the injection, he seemed so scared. He was 13 years old, maybe 14. There truly was nothing to do.

He was the only one who was there with me while I was growing up, my only emotional support. I've been struggling with my mental health for as long as I remember, and i told myself I would live for him, I never thought I would turn 16, then I never thought I would turn 18, then 20, it always felt so bittersweet, but he was there with me and i wanted to be there for him. I wrote a letter to him, put it with him in the box he was buried in, in between his arms, asking him to forgive me for not being able to help him as much as he helped me. I loved him so much, I truly don't know how to explain how broken and lost I feel without him. He passed in march 21st and i feel like im stuck there. I relapsed in self harm, i have the urge to destroy myself. I lost my functionality for 3 months, I'm relativately stable now, but I feel like im just surviving each day, empty.  My psychiatrist told me I should get another pet, but I can't afford it at all.

I'm studying to be a nurse, I had to drop de 2 courses that had clinical practices (? I don't really know how to say it in english, my first language is spanish) because I had a huge mental colapse, and those courses are the only thing my friends talk about. I don't know how to tell them or tell anyone (apart from my therapist) how bad I am, how lonely I feel, how i would like to destroy myself, how my future seems so blurry, how difficult it is to just exist. Lately it feels like they barely talk to me, barely ask me how i am, and i wish i felt more seen by them somehow, i wish i felt like they care about me. I had a psychiatric leave of absence from uni and only one friend asked me how i was, one time, never again. I feel like I'm invisible. 

I'm trying to regain my life back, but I feel like I have nowhere to stand on, i only have myself and I'm barely holding on. I can't rely on my family (they don't believe mental health issues are a thing), I feel like I don't have a shoulder to cry on, I've never really had one, just my cat, who cuddled with me everytime I felt like dying, everytime I had an anxiety attack, everytime I cried myself to sleep. I put so much of my mental wellbeing on him without really noticing, I loved him so much, he was my everything.

If you have any advice, it's welcomed.

I don't know if anyone will read this really, but if you do, thank you.