I've (26F) suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember but this week I realized that I simply cannot truly feel excited about anything, without my body interpreting it as fear. 

I have a lot of good things going on this month. I'm starting immunotherapy, going on a small trip out of state for my birthday, I'm in the process of adopting a puppy, and just today I got hired at a new job which is a huge deal because I haven't worked steadily the past 2 years due to anxiety and IBS. I want to enjoy these achievements so bad that I could cry. I 100% know in my heart and brain that I should enjoy these achievements. I rationally know that when I push through feeling uncomfortable and push through my anxiety that good things come of it. It doesn't matter what I tell myself or what I do though, I end up feeling the worst fear physically and it exhausts me. I can only shake the feeling of fear and fatigue by going to sleep at night. How am I supposed to get anything done in life while feeling this way?

When I saw the email telling me that I was approved to move forward with adopting the puppy that I applied for, I felt so excited. I was excited for about 30 seconds until my hands and feet began to sweat, my chest felt tight, I felt disconnect, scared, afraid to email back. I took a moment to step away from it and rationally reminded myself that there's literally nothing to be afraid of and that this is supposed to be enjoyable. Who is terrified about puppies? Not me, wtf. So I emailed back. I felt excited again but only for a moment. I ended the day with a migraine, leg pains, and jaw pain from being so tense about it all day. 

When I heard the voicemail today that said I was hired for this job I felt so excited. I want this job so I called them back immediately! The person on the phone was pleasant and inviting. They graciously had no problems with working around my planned birthday trip. Halfway through the phone call I started to sweat, I felt disconnected, was second guessing answers that I literally have no reason to second guess. I got through the phone call and what do I feel? Accomplished? Eager? No, I feel scared. I feel like I've been up for 3 days. Why am I wasting energy and daylight feeling terrified over something that I want to be excited about! I don't even have to start training until the end of the month.

I just feel like I'm so close to having my anxiety under control yet so far at the same time. I feel like mentally I am capable of pushing through things and breaking things down rationally, but when it actually comes down to it my body cannot handle the mental strain. I'm just so tired. I don't talk to many people irl but the ones that I do talk to simply don't understand what I mean when I say that it's as if my body can't process excitement. It's as if my body is so used to feeling anxiety that it can't feel any other way. I hope I'm not like this forever and I feel for those that can relate. Anxiety is so mean.