I honestly hate having BPD. I don’t feel like I can find any sense of peace or liberation with it as I feel is portrayed with some other mental health issues such as anxiety. I don’t feel like I can be open and honest about having it and I feel like it makes me crazy, misunderstood and just a general handful. I honestly feel as if this will never get better and is only becoming progressively worse. Without being too negative, I am utterly shocked when I read about those with BPD who can even describe themselves as happy or enjoying life. I only experience this in waves of euphoria, very rarely and don’t even notice I was in fact ‘happy’. 

I’m tired of how attached it makes you to people and how I literally fantasise about suicide when these people draw away from you or what you perceive. I’m described as high functioning but I can’t even be bothered to keep up this facade, I just do not care anymore. I care for my FP way more than I would myself - honestly I couldn’t give a fuck about me. I just don’t understand why this is so painful and why the universe chose I must have it. I genuinely do not feel strong enough to deal with this. 

Also when you go through events that would break a ‘normal’ person; e.g. death, infidelity, any type of trauma really; I feel like as a borderline you take it so hard. And it is consuming, and you become obsessive and the obsession feels so dangerous. 

I guess in a long winded way what I’m trying to say is I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I’m not getting the support no matter how crazy I get and honestly this illness is not only mega draining but just so painful to live with day to day. The pain is now transpiring into physical pain and I can just feel my mind and body giving up on me because it is drained. I don’t know what to do anymore quite honestly. I just overall give the fuck up. And it pains me to say that because I’m head strong but honestly I just feel like it’s kind of my time you know? Like when people are physically ill, they feel it’s their time? My brain is telling me it’s my time. I wish there was a painless way to die without paying bundles to go to one of those ‘suicide clinics’ in like Switzerland. Although, day by day these do seem like the most attractive ways to spend my money...

If you got to the end of this thank you; it was a long bunch of ramble but I need this off of my chest and I guess that’s only a saying because it very much still feels on my chest.