Hiii, this is going to be a lot of rambling, tw: bullying. 

&amp;#x200B;

I've been a very very horrible friend, not only I mistreated my own online best friends, I hurt dozens of other people because I wanted to hurt them. Yes, my BPD could explain a lot of my behaviorism, but it does not justify my actions. It's been a few months since I realized I had an issue and that I left all (besides reddit lol) of social media to get therapy and focus on improving myself. I lost a lot of friends during this process, many who are rightfully disgusted and disappointed by me.

Sometimes, I do think of what would life be if this all did not blow up. If my former friends and victim stayed silent out of fear. Sure-- I may have been happy and still well-liked in our little circle. But in the long wrong, my health was deteriorating both physically and mentally. I am glad I am finally getting help, I wish it was under better circumstances, and there are days I agonize over how much pain I caused. I truly do hope my victims find closure from this, and I left my email before leaving most social media if they ever chose to talk to find some sort of answer. 

But you know what? I feel so much lighter after therapy, so much happier. Yes, I lost many friends,  but the ones who choose to trust that I would change, the ones who are happy to talk to me. I am grateful, and I realized that I am not entitled to people's friendship or love. 

After much deliberation, one of my new year's resolution was to stop relying on internet communities so much. The power I had on my victims because I was well-liked and respected on the internet... I finally set a date where I plan to leave a lot of my messaging apps. My friends who have been my rock during this pandemic are contactable elsewhere, and I feel...  a lot of relief and happiness. 

Ever since I left social media, my anger issues had disappeared. My therapist taught me so much how to be mindful and respectful to other people. This doesn't mean I am suddenly good, that people should forgive me, of course not. But I feel so happy that all this anger and hurt I've been holding on for YEARS is slowly dissipating. 

Sometimes, I do wonder what life would be like if I wasn't so screwed up, if I didn't have BPD, if my parents loved me. But I am so sick of looking back at the what-ifs of my life, or if I did this, or if i treated a friend better. I cannot change what happened, and it's so counterproductive to my change. I want to, and plan to, move forward. 

I finally got a job, and I finally am leaving my room more. I'm cleaning my room. I actually am making friends outside of the internet. I feel so blessed. 

I know my BPD isn't gone. I know I have a lot of work to do to be a better person. But at least I can finally walk forward without fear or anxiety anymore. Thank god.

Thanks for reading.