Just over a month ago I got into a motorcycle accident.
I just turned 18 before the accident and I had a lust life I had pleasure, I had hobbies, l had goals. I was your stand up American boy, Eagle scout, Sectional Pole Vaulter, Honor graduate. I was in the best shape of my life and loved myself. I had always wanted a motorcycle ever since I was around 14 and with the opportunity to now purchace one I did so.

The day of the accident was a special day. My friends organized a large meet up with a few of our family at a well known restaurant and small vineyard. We all brought our fun toys down there to enjoy the great weather. Afterwards I suggested taking our cars and bikes down windy roads for some fun and most of my friends joined me. I crashed on the first turn.

I woke up in the hospital in a daze my stomach hurt my head hurt, Everything hurt. I saw my parents faces as they saw me with tubes and wires hanging out of me. I ruptured my spleen in the accident and broke my collar bone 2 ribs and shattered my L4 Vertebrae.They fused 3 vertebrae temporarily to allow my back to heal and were able to take out my spleen before I lost anymore blood. I got lucky

Now a month out I can again walk I can do almost everything for myself but almost nothing I used to do. I can't to any of the things that gave me joy. I don't feel I have a purpose. I can't work I just lay in bed all day. I can't workout. I've lost 30 pounds since the accident and I have my body. All these fucking scars. I got a tattoo to commemorate still being alive and now I dont know if I want to be alive anymore. 

I don't sleep during the day I rarely leave my room. I have black out curtains and have covered everything that makes light and took down all my clocks because I don't need to know what time it is anymore. I have nowhere to go. My friends are all busy with either school or work so I never see them like when they visited me in the hospital. I'm lonely now. My girlfriend has school so I don't see her much either.

The world seems grey to me now. I had accepted death even before my accident I knew that being born means you must die. I want to ride again, but now to hit a pole again but this time do what God couldn't. People would miss me but that doesn't mean anything to me. I don't find joy in life anymore.
I don't feel I truly want to die but life just feels worthless. I feel that I should have died in the accident but didn't and now there is nothing left for me here