As I get older I feel like depression is creeping more into my thoughts again. Let me explain what I mean by again. When I was in middle school I was bullied so badly I had suicidal thoughts and it got so bad I was put on antidepressants. I started sticking up to my bullies and my depression and other than being sad at being single I was ok in life. 

But now a days.... I'm turning 30 in January and I sometimes honestly feel like if I were to dissappear or even die one day it would mean very little in the scheme of things. Yea my dad and family would mourn me but I feel like that's all. My closest friends have all moved (whether physically or in life, with my best friend seemingly and without a meaning for it cutting me out of his life). Both of my siblings have their own lives with my brother being engaged with their own place &amp; my sister having her own business, house, a bf (talking about marriag), and some kids already. 

Years ago I really wanted to have someone and some kids by the time I was in my 30s as I wanted to be able to physically play with and do things with my kids (like being able to take them to Theme parks and be ok walking around all day).

But as time goes on &amp; I have trouble even getting a date I feel like I'm always going to be alone &amp; my life really has no meaning. I'm just going through the motions I feel yet I've had close friends &amp; family who have passed away despite having much more meaningful lives than I have. Sometimes I think it would have even been better if they lived &amp; I died.

I will clarify I'm not suicidal by any means. I just get the feeling my life matters very little &amp; I honestly don't know what to do anymore.