I'm soon to be 24 y/o, mother to 1, and live together with his father and my high school sweetheart. We did spend some time apart from 20 y/o- 23. Both dated other people and decided we wanted to do things the right way and really try and make it work, to have a family. We've been back together coming up on a year now, and we are both dealing with our own dissatisfactions in the relationship. The honeymoon phase is over. I'm struggling with balancing my own emotions and needs, because I dont want to put that on anyone else. However, I feel like I am constantly pouring out my energy fulfilling all of these roles and responsibilities of mine, caring for others, and meanwhile never being restored. I give cuddles more than I receive them. He shows no real interest in the things I'm passionate about. I just want to be treasured, told I'm beautiful, and to have an unconditional love that I dont think is actually possible for people to have. I'm constantly questioning myself and the validity of these feelings, being that I know I'd still be dealing with depression, mood swings, and splitting on my own. I'm not perfect and can be cold too. I know my reality can be distorted. But I hate thinking that my feelings dont matter or aren't valid. Lately I've been feeling extremely dysphoric and disembodied. I dont feel like I'm in my power no matter how hard I try to be, I'm constantly dissociating. I don't even feel like myself during sex, which really sucks because not only is it a crucial part of relationships, but throughout my life it is honestly one of the only things that I ever felt like I was good at and is key to me feeling bonded with a person. However, my sex drive is completely gone in these last months. There is a complete disconnect between me and the person I once knew and I feel like I am constantly on autopilot. I don't want to live my life alone, left with broken dreams and could-have-beens. My kid deserves to have a normal functional mom, and his parents together. However, I start to think I would be better off alone and my son's dad could be happier with someone else. He told me is dissatisfied (i feel resentful at times but ultimately cant blame him) and thinks I should get over my need for his constant affection and support in certain areas of my life. I have deeply rooted issues with both of my parents and neither of them are really in my life anymore. I know my partner is human and I dont expect him to supply that support that my parents never did. He can't heal the broken child inside of me, thats something I'm working on. But I am convinced that with just a little more effort and affection on his part as a lover it would help me feel a lot less alone. I probably sound pathetic and I hate being codependent in this way. People say such mean things about bpd sufferers, and I start to believe them about myself. I have so much love to give, yet I start to feel as if I am unlovable. Our lease is up soon. I dont know what will come of my life right now. But to end things on a more positive note, I am proud of the child I am raising. I am also proud of the job i have held down for some months now, the first with decent hours and a living wage, even if I do feel absolutely depleted once I finally have a day off. I've just got to get myself right, because I've got someone else counting on me. I'm always neglecting myself in some way as it is. I really hope I can catch an upswing of inspiration soon. I need something to keep me going. Consistency I've worked so hard to get to this point, with the people I love most, yet I feel like I'm losing myself and am more alone than ever. I go back to the doctor in about a week. I'm finally going to cave and get back on antidepressants, after trying so many different ones and then spending a year trying to convince myself I didn't need them at all. I'll also have my first therapy appointment in almost a year. I'm nervous, because I know it will unlock many doors in my mind, but I know that it needs to happen. I'm just holding out for that. Right now I feel like a shell and I guess I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening if you actually read this far 🌹 I hope that if anyone can relate to this, you can at least find solace in knowing that you are not alone. I am with you. I care. I want to believe there's hope for us to love and live fully...