Went on another sober streak for 19 days. Realized it's not worth it. Aside from quitting drinking, I'll have to "build a life you don't need to escape from". I am 21, live with my parents, never worked a day in my life, have no friends, no future. Every day is so boring and depressing I don't remember them. My irritability gets the best of me constantly and I need to isolate to protect others. All I do is use my phone, take my meds, ride my bike, eat, maybe shower if I'm up for it.

Seeing my mother makes me instantly homicidal. The cat drives me up the fucking wall with his incessant yowling, the dog is under trained and bored, chases the cats. Mild pet neglect was normal for me growing up until I realized it wasn't. Guess who feels crushingly guilty for it every day while seemingly unable to do shit about it?

My mom buys into conspiracy theories and refuses to be vaccinated. I hate her but I'm scared she'll die. She's had health scares in the past and it always filled me with dread. I get scared my dad will die too (idk I just worry a lot). They made me this way and I hate them but they care about me and they're all I have.

I'm scared of disappointing my therapist (she's compassionate and supportive, was proud I hadn't drank in a while) but I CANNOT FUCKING CBT MY WAY OUT OF LIFE BEING MISERABLE. Even well adjusted people suffer. I really don't want to be here to see how much worse shit will get.

I used to have this fantasy where the suffering and loneliness I went through would be somehow made up for with a happy future. Or someone would love me in a way that would magically fix me. Realized life/relationships are what you make them and I'm sitting on my ass day after day not doing shit with mine.

I'm so lonely and angry because no one will ever care about me the way I need. I've always been an unlovable sack of shit, it's why I was always alone. You either get the unconditional care and support as a child or you wander around aimless and empty, fucking up relationships, being hurt/hurting others the rest of your shitty fucking life. Some people are stronger than me but I can't do it. I don't want to. I tried getting "help" but nothing really helps. I don't know what to do anymore.