tw: ideation, attempts, sexual assault, self harm (no graphic details at all, but is still kind of intense)

I (26M) have dealt with depression, anxiety, a chronic auto-immune disease, and chronic migraines for basically my whole life. I've dealt with all of those to a severe extent for at least 12 years, with near constant ideation throughout. At one point many years ago, a therapist I was seeing thought I might have BPD. I ended up doing an outpatient DBT treatment for many months. I got very little out of it, with certainly zero mood improvement, and for whatever reason, somehow I thought they ended up ruling out BPD entirely. That was such a relief for me, not because I judge anyone with BPD, but because there is such horrible (and false) social stigma surrounding it, and I was judging myself. It turns out, I was wrong, and not only did the psychiatrist at the outpatient program diagnose me and not tell me, but whatever conversation I thought I had where I was told I didn't meet the criteria I guess never happened, because apparently my therapist still thinks I have BPD.

I have tried almost everything to help myself these past 12 years. A slew of every type of medication in the book, a decade of CBT, lots of DBT, ACT, many therapists, several psychiatrists, exercise, diets, meditation, neurofeedback, and so on and so on, all while in some sort of physical pain every single day. Everything feels like too much to me, and tiny thoughts or memories can send me spiraling in milliseconds. I have lost every friend I've ever made, often because once I feel comfortable enough to share my feelings with someone, I want to share EVERYTHING. And understandably, that can be too much for non-mental health professionals to handle. Not to mention, I get feelings for like every person who shows me the smallest amount of kindness, which leads to pain and heartbreak every time, without fail.

My relationship history is a nightmare. The only real relationship I've had was in high school, with a girl who was also depressed and suicidal. It was like a feedback loop of jealousy, self harm, and dysfunction. Then several years of nothing. Then I was sexually assaulted twice by two different people in college, one experience MUCH wose than the other, followed by a one month fling with a girl to get the near-rape experience out of my system. The only reason that even happened was because I was a foreigner in another country, making me interesting/exotic to her, though the "relationship" was awful in pretty much every way possible. That was more than seven years ago. In seven years, I haven't been touched, or kissed, or anything. I've been on a total of two first dates, no second. I try dating apps off and on all the time, but the truth is, no one is going to want to date a guy with a face like mine at first glance, and on second glance, no one would want to date a guy with my personality/sensitivity/chronic illnesses. I will be alone forever.

I have wanted to end it for so, so long, with the only thing keeping me from acting being not wanting to hurt my family. It's a terrible way to live, only out of guilt. And it isn't empathy anymore, it's guilt. There have been several times when that "safeguard" has not been enough. There were a couple of sort of fake attempts/cries for help in high school. In college I had intent and a plan, and even wrote a note and everything, but while writing the note I started bawling my eyes out. I basically never cry (even when I want to), so that was enough to tell me I wasn't ready to go. 

And then there was a couple weeks ago. I always give myself a sort of deadline (poor choice of words, I know) so as to not let myself do anything impulsive. The plan itself purposefully would require multiple steps to carry out, for the same reason. But I'd say something like, "if I feel exactly this way in 2 weeks/a month/etc, then I'll do it." So far, each time I've felt at least slightly different when the deadline comes, though not necessarily better. Just enough to push the deadline again.

Two weeks ago, I reached my deadline. And I felt the same. I wrote a note, and I wasn't crying. I felt relief, I felt ready. I still reached out to some people, called the hotline a few times, tried every last thing to make sure I've truly exhausted all options, but none of it helped. My mind was made up. I had one last therapy appointment scheduled the day before I was going to do it. Stupidly, I let it slip to her, and she had no choice but to send me to the hospital. And thus began the worst 72 hours of my life.

72 hours surely wasn't going to change anything for me. This wasn't an impulsive thing, I was not feeling distressed - I was cool, calm, and collected the entire time. The problem was, I'm also mid-flare up with my autoimmune disease, which meant being one-to-one in an unfamiliar, uncomfortable environment was just about the worst thing they could have done for my physical health. It was a nightmare, but the nightmare was just starting. Once I finally convinced them I wasn't in danger, maintaining that my "safeguard" of not wanting to hurt my family was back and stronger than ever (true at the time), and I convinced them that 72 hours would change nothing and I would physically feel much better at home, they agreed to let me go under the condition that I stay with my parents for a little while.

I am not close with my parents. I don't want to hurt them because I saw how my mental-health-related actions affected them when they found out in high school, and it was horrible. This was about 100x worse. I'm home now, but it's still bad. The relationship will never be the same, and I felt like now I had no "choice" anymore, I was forced to keep living because I couldn't bear to hurt them any more than I already had. They want to try another outpatient or something, and I'll be trying the one treatment I haven't tried yet (TMS) in a few weeks, but I know deep down none of this will help. I've been trying so hard, working my ass of for 12 years. I will never be better.

Now, the safeguard is fading again, already. I have resigned to at least not acting on anything until after the TMS treatment, so I can prove I've really tried everything. But holy shit it is going to be incredibly difficult to make it until mid-April when it starts. I never intend to do anything impulsive and have put many safeguards in place to protect myself from that, but god damn do I want to.

I hope this doesn't break any of the rules. I just really, really needed to get this out. I'm so tired. Knowing me I'll probably delete this in a day or so.