Hi lovely people, just feeling like I need to write all this out to get it out of my brain. 

When I was younger, I was told that I would likely have a hard time with cavities since the grooves in my teeth are supposedly deeper than your average bear. Throughout my life, that's proven to be true, and for the most part I've been okay with it. I usually had at least a cavity a year, which I got filled diligently - and even though I never enjoyed it (who does lol), I dug my feet in and was fine. 

This all changed 4 days before I had my first anxiety attack ever and was diagnosed with GAD. I had a filling appointment, but for whatever reason I felt SO off that day - in hindsight it was probably my brain just revving up for the big event. The appointment was a nightmare. Everything that used to not bother me was suddenly unbearable. The lights, the sounds, the numbing, all the stuff in my mouth...I felt like I couldn't breathe. I made it through the appointment after asking for a break halfway through and crying in the exam room by myself when everyone stepped out. 

That was in 2015. And ever since that appointment, I have had this absolute and unrelenting fear of the dentist. I've gone back a few times, and had a filling appointment since then that I managed to tackle with the help of clonapin. But I've fallen back into avoiding it, which covid made spectacularly convenient. At this point, it's been about a year and a half since my last appointment. 

All was well until about 2 days ago, when I started experiencing a faint dull ache in my back molar. I can't really tell if it's my jaw that hurts or my tooth and at this point I'm too freaked out to spend the time addressing it. I've come to the realization that it probably *should* be checked out by a dentist but I'm just so damn scared. My brain has convinced itself that I'll need a root canal, or an extraction, or some other very scary thing and I'm just not having a very good time. 

I'm so irritated that it's come to this - I used to be able to do this shit. And if my brain is right and it is some big scary thing, I have no one to blame but myself for avoiding regular appointments that could have helped. Boo. I'll probably call tomorrow morning, not excited about it. You're the best for reading my wall of text rant, I'm open to hearing your dentist anxiety suggestions if you have any! &lt;3