The past few months of my life have turned everything upside-down for me, I've always said to myself I haven't hit my limit yet I can still keep going. But hell I hit that wall months ago, I work in healthcare I've been in the military I've seen people die, I've known people to have their life snuffed out right before them. But now everytime I see or hear about someone passing.. I just get jealous. Its an awful feeling, I don't want to feel that way. I'm starting to ask for help more because each new limit I hit is worst then the last. I spent last night drinking whiskey and taking all my meds to see if it would just stop it. Then I wake up an hour later vomiting it  all up.. first thing I do is just load my gun and lay in the bath with it.. I don't know why or how I am still here. Maybe I should've quit.. how do I get over hitting these limits constantly. How the hell does someone be happy?