Diagnosed at 18, now 19. It feels that I got the phase changes starting at 15, but it was never as strong as the last two years. In a nutshell, I used to be an ambitious teenager that keened to applying to the best unis in the country. Lots of studying, hard work, exams. 

All failed in my last school year. Depression hit hard I failed at everything. Went for a gap year since I failed my exams. 

My phases are quite long, usually 4-5 months. Also that's why I was long diagnosed with depression and not bp. 

Half of the year I couldn't do anything. Couldn't study, couldn't make myself wake up in the morning. Couldn't simply move around. Just lying in bed hoping to die sooner. 

Then mania hit. It changed in three days. I still couldn't believe, it has never been this severe before. I got so energetic I danced for hours, made dozens of new friends, found hobbies, got a job. I slept for three hours a night, almost didn't eat anything and threw and shook all the time because of being overexcited. 

What's now? I'm still manic. Not as strong since lamiktal helps, not throwing anymore. All my classmates are in the best unis and I'm a pole dancer. I could've been so far but now it's so fucked, this all is fucked. 

I'm not scared of the future but simply because I don't feel fear while being manic. I don't know what comes next. I really hope to get an education but it seems unbelievably hard now.

This rant is incoherent as hell which I'm sorry for. Just thoughts. Thank you