TL:DR Suffered 2nd degree burns from traumatic explosive chemical accident. I know I need help but I can’t afford therapy and I have barely talked about it with anyone else. Not sure what’s happening to me and how I feel.

Obligatory posting on porn throwaway account so someone else doesn’t see this.

I am In the Northeast US.

So here’s my story. I study thermite reactions (chemical reaction that gets really, really hot.) for school, I am a hobbyist blacksmith, and love chemistry. I have carried out dozens of dangerous experiments with proper safety equipment at home. 

My friend and I got together and we were trying out new forms of thermite. We picked a new form of metal used in the reaction and wanted to test its properties. This mixture is explosive and can be incredibly dangerous (see where I went wrong).

After a while of testing small amounts we made a bigger sample. My friend was bugging me to hurry up and light it and without thinking, without gloves, lit the fuze but put the lit side in first. 

Next thing I know my ears are ringing, my vision is blurred and I’m on the floor. There was no pain but it felt like someone used a jackhammer on my left hand. I look at it and I am stunned and not sure of what is happening. I try wiping it away thinking it’s some dirt or residue from the smoke, but I completely tear the skin off of the entirety of my thumb. (Pictures below) 

https://gyazo.com/3979f146f6e02471d6f3f5308193a4fe


(About a week after) https://gyazo.com/50adcbc0b9c7332091c5dcc9d0c63345


I thrust my blackened hand into the swimming pool a couple yards away and the pain sets in. As of now I am screaming hysterically and my friend runs to me. Immediately my friend gets under me before my shaking legs gave out. Darkness crept into the corner of my eyes as I started hyperventilating. Luckily he was trained in basic first aid/cpr and recognized I was going into shock. He fireman-carried me up the stairs and I found myself sitting in a recliner with my hand in a bucket of water. He held my right hand and told me to breathe slowly and try to calm down. After assessing the burn and making sure I could move my fingers he called his dad and brought me to an urgent care.

From there was a painful 45 minute car ride to a hospital burn unit. They treated and wrapped it and gave me a prescription for pain meds. There was nothing else they could do for it, so I went home.

It took three and a half weeks for the burn to heal. As of now it has been about two months and there is a faint red scar on my wrist and hand. There is slight hearing loss in my left ear because of the blast.

Here’s my actual problem.

As one can imagine, this event was extremely traumatizing. I couldn’t sleep for days as I was recovering, and I developed what I think were extreme panic attacks. Since the accident I’ve been horribly anxious for no reason when I am alone. Every time I was alone or it was silent the experience forced its way back into my mind. My situation has improved slightly but my depression that I had previously overcame has come back. I constantly keep saying to myself that it is over and there is no more pain but I still keep feeling scared. Even as I am writing this I am shaking having to remember what happened.

So far I haven’t asked for help from anyone because I don’t feel like anyone would understand. Currently I can’t afford professional help so I have pretty much been bottling everything up inside. Obviously just a simple discussion would help me but I feel that I can’t ask for help. When I tried talking to my friends about it they were hesitant and basically said I need a therapist. 

My friend kind of jokingly said “Did I give you ptsd or something like that” and I’m scared that he might be right. Now I’m not trying to self diagnose myself or anything but I know something is wrong. I keep hoping to myself that nothing is wrong and I am over thinking things. But deep down I constantly feel that I am not the same after what happened, and it worries me.

I looked online to try to understand what I’m feeling, and this article I found seems to summarize what’s been happening. ( https://www.phoenix-society.org/resources/entry/psychological-and-emotional-impact )
 
I just feel so confused and scared, and if you have ANY advice that might help please comment.
As someone who can’t pay for help I’m really lost on what to do.
 If you need more info on something just ask. I can’t express how much it means to me if you have read this, thank you.
