There are periods where im completely normal and want normal things but i just dont like people. I dont want to explain anymore. I dont want people even reading what i was posting which was semi normal stuff. People have ground me too far down. Ive lost those i love to suicide 3 fucking times. They understood and they couldnt take it anymore.

 Last interaction i had was violence. It came to me. I have bad dissociation problems with sense of time. The time is so slow the time is so fast. I have extreme thantophobia. I am so paranoid i do highly paranoid things to ensure my safety x50. There are traps, sensors cameras now everywhere. If i leave i cant stop monitoring the cameras, i cant focus on life. I have good reasons for this. When i calm down a bit i stepped out and a guy drove right by staring and his head was fluttering to keep the stare more than the road. He drove around the block. Now im paranoid again. Now im scheming again. my life has turned into a total abyss. I delete all my posts. I dont wanna be seen. I do not hate myself. I do not trust anyone. You cannot confide in anyone-they create enemies and tell the world. No interest in friends now that ive seen and experienced so much. Used to love but was used for it. Life now is an actual horror movie. All i see is the evil. Everywhere. Im not on any stimulants its just some natural bad psychosis. I stay alone. I am paranoid, highly anti social, feel like i deserve nothing now. But that will change too. Fluctuation in self esteem i guess.Cannot trust to even write on here in any depth or detail. People attack you no matter where you go. This is fact. Everyones offended, hyper sensitive and vengeful and sick. its made me a ton sicker but only strictly for my protection. The suicides and the abuse has made me totally psychotic and paranoid. Its purgatory on earth. Im not suicidal. But i cant get any release other than drugging myself which is almost daily. Im tired of trying to be genuine, rational, and finding utter cancer is underneath every creature i meet.