I've had a couple of 'episodes' before that were all triggered by something. Whether it's small or big, I get so incredibly miserable, I yell, I start hitting my head, I am unable to stop myself from crying. But it's just really awful and in the middle of it, I start telling myself to calm the fuck down but I just can't. I just had one and I'm lot calmer now but, it was horrible.
Me and this friend of mine, we've been friends for a long time and now we don't talk that much and we call once a week or so and it was my fault actually for that to happen. Because I started giving a little space because I couldn't control my paranoia or thoughts when whenever we'd talk. But, now that I'm willing to talk more, she got used to that space and I've really been trying to break it because it's really affecting me and I've told her about it. When you give me too much space, I'll wonder if you actually like me and things like that. And then everything's fine when we talk, sometimes it's not, my fault mostly but this kind of instability is something I simply can't handle.
I hate that other people have life besides me. Which sounds totally selfish I know that very well. But I just feel like, if people that I really really love, have other people as well, they don't need me anymore or don't care for me.
I don't have a lot of friends, to be honest, almost 0. I've been alone for a long time of my life and my favorite person left me for someone better than me which was another thing that's been hard to get over. I've been really trying to move on but it's just frustrating seeing others around me moving on and doing things with their life while I just sit in the same place I always have. If I try to move, I always come back to that place somehow. I'm REALLY trying.
But sometimes, it feels so lonely it actually hurts and if I feel like one person I deeply care about, doesn't care that much about me, it breaks my heart. I know it's my fault for idolizing people so much and care so much but I can't help it.
I really hate life right now and I really don't have anything holding me onto it. I have suicidal thoughts once in a while, a lot less than I used to but, when I do get them it gets so hard it's like I can't breathe and I just need to leave all of this.