**\[M 25 French\]**

Hi.

I've been lurking in this sub for a while now. I always do so whenever I feel down, it doesn't even make me feel better, but it makes me feel welcomed and understood to some extent.

I've been wasting my life away since I took a "break" from Uni, so mid-2018, I think that's when my depression started to appear. From graduation to depression it all happened so fast.

I never really saw it coming, I haven't had a bad childhood, but it went downhill since my mom started dating my step dad when I was 8 (now dead, thankfully). I do not know my real dad. I did not like him, he took all the attention away to himself, was a drunk and a hick. He did not hesitate to belittle me, insult me behind my back, and some other forms of abuse I will not say.  
I have a half brother that I haven't seen since I was 13 (he now lives with his father) and it's when I met my good old friend loneliness.  
Not getting any attention from my mother, feeling like a piece of luggage you **had to** bring anywhere, the loneliness got worse when I couldn't see my little half brother anymore. We recently moved out too, so I had no friends in my last 2 years of middle school, and no real friends in highschool either. It got a little better in highschool, but I still had no one I could call a real friend, our "friendship" ended once class ended as well. I always felt shunned. Something that will follow me later in life.

University was a blessing for me, my really strict parents couldn't prevent me from making friends or ruining my chance at getting new friendships. I finally made some friends despite being a shy person, I learned to open up to people, I enjoyed my time, even though in the back of my mind I was still scared to consider them friends, and wondered if they felt the same way.

**2019 - early 2020** : Deppresion + a lot of other issues, I needed to find some work to save up some money to continue my studies, I got rejected a lot of times, I slowly develop anxiety, my family pushes me to find work and stop being so lazy, they threaten, harass and insult me. Everytime they threaten me I feel super suicidal, the same way I felt like I was about to kill myself for the first time back in october 2019. I can't control my thoughts, my actions, I feel like I need to escape, my body takes control of me and I become at its mercy, I don't know if I'm going to kill myself or not, I'm not rational, my body/brain decides whatever will happen to me. That's what happens for the few times I was very close to taking my own life, and also when my mom or grandfather threaten/insult me because I need to get a job. It created a kind of trauma (for lack of better words). Everyday my family makes death even more appealing.  
I also had a debt I could not pay off, so I had to ask my mother to take care of it (we're poor). It made me very anxious, each month wondering if my mom would be willing to pay off some of my debt or not.  
Everyday I feel like crying or cry, when I cook, go grocery shopping, wander in the city. Dreams of suicide ease my mind and they're very recurrent.   
Everyday feels the same, life is so bland, this world has no flavour. New day, same hell.  
I hate society, money, having to be a hypocrite, a fake, I just want to live peacefully.  
I’m a slave to this existence, I can't exit because I'm scared of failing my suicide attempt and end up crippled, and also because I hate pain.  
From a distance I watch my life decay, I'm tired of being tired, of barely living, I feel like I'm dying in slow motion. Everyday is another day waiting for death.  
I doubt everything, my worth, my family, my friends. I get more and more angry, I feel hatred. I wish for my suicide to hurt my family so much they end up killing themselves too, but they probably wouldn't care that much, which is frustrating but that's okay.  
I wonder why I get so much shit when I'm such a nice and sensitive person, I really don't deserve any of this.  
I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be free, now I just want to be dead.  
They’d want take their life too if they woke up in my shoes.  
Sometimes there's just too much in my head, and I wish I could empty it with some lead.  
I think If God was one of us he’d probably have suicidal ideations too.

**Rest of 2020 - today** : I don't actively want to die like I used to anymore, so that's a good thing.  
I still didn't get a job, I always avoid the subjet because it makes me suicidal and/or gives me panic attacks.  
I feel way more self-loathing than I did back then, it makes me want to hurt myself because I don't have any outlet where to let it out, all this anger and hatred is bottled up inside me and I can only hurt myself to feel relieved.  
I started seeing a psychotherapist in november 2021 because I couldn't afford it before. She got me some meds that help, but I still feel like I'm lacking something to become human again.

Sometimes I wanna die, but it's only passively now (unless someone triggers me). I remember being happy and cooking some stuff, I wasn't sad, angry or depressed but I was overjoyed at the thought of my death, I was awaiting this moment the same way you're excited to get your xmas presents when it's xmas eve, I was so excited to die, and that's while I was smiling.  
I feel like my will to live is wearing thin. I really wish I was scared to die, maybe I wouldn’t want to do it so much.  
Sometimes I get depersonalization episodes at night when I'm in bed and I feel so frustrated I want to harm myself to "wake up".  
My life is a sitcom and I’m just a background character. I want to be a real human being again.

Anhedonia really fucks me up, I have so much stuff I want and need to do but I just can't. It makes me feel (and people around me) like I'm so lazy, and numb, I hate myself.  
Sometimes I wanna change but I don't ever change and that sucks.

I don't trust myself, I'm too good, too sensitive, too fragile, I can feel my depression creeping in slowly, I feel like it's gonna get worse again, I really don't want to. It's only a matter of time until I die from suicide, I can feel it.  
I'm scared of getting better because if I do, the fall will be even worse than before. It's hard to win when you always lose.

One thing that gets me going is that there’s always a chance I won’t be here in the morning and won't get to see sunrise. I still hope I can get rid of this mental illness that's ruining my life.

We don't want to die alone but some of us will try.

Bear, and forbear I guess.