It’s clear that my words hold no weight anymore. No matter how apologetic and ashamed I am of myself after I have an episode it doesn’t change anything. The people I care about most don’t believe me when I say I’m sorry and I’m disgusted with my actions too, and I can’t blame them.  If I can’t get better I’ll have nobody left. I can’t get better fast enough for people to stay. Everyone’s patience is running out, including my own. I’m tired of hurting everyone around me. I’m tired of watching them get tired of my episodes. I’m tired of watching myself hurt the people around me and feeling completely unable to stop myself.  I don’t want to believe I’m a bad person, I’m trying as hard as I can to get better but it seems like I never make any progress. People are starting to act like I use my illness like some kind of pass, I know it isn’t. I know the things I do and say are not okay, what else am I supposed to do when I apologize with full sincerity and nobody believes I’m honestly sorry?  I feel like just leaving and never coming back. Never hurting the people I love again.