I am a student but that name and my life was all becoming nothing last year. I am not well now but i am beginning to come back to life i don't know how long this will last but i tried to write a post in this place even to join was a problem but today has come. I am still void and cant bring my self to feel anything but just something lurking like a dark storm in my stomach but my mind is holding even when the universe feels like it is pushing me away.  
I am 22 days clean except when i overdosed trying to end it one week ago but i found a way to fail just like always which almost made me jump of the building but i didn't. Life is very twisted process i am joining a new college i don't know if i will make it or my future is going to be just a wish and something i cannot have. I am not free am just going because i have few people that believe in me but they are so important and i don't want to hurt them. And i still have a have hope left not in me but in my future if i can just stay alive this year i can make it out of this suffering it has been so long.  
I hope what it is like to live even if i don't now how to, i hope i can know what it is to be happy, to have something meaningful in life at least something to help with betrayal and the cruelty of that's all i can do. what kept me alive all this years i am 22 is how i see my parent really trying i never felt anything on anything related to my life i was numb and lost all in the company of fear of everything until i found drugs and if i was not high i was watching tv shows and if i am not i am very busy doing anything no matter how meaningless or meaningfull all to avoid my head from speacking its share and thats how my life died and it died with it and all that was left was nightmares. i am lost void afraid but lucky hopeful and i dont know how to keep the hope my life depend on it.