I feel like I’m slowly slipping mentally and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. It’s effecting me so bad that I think I’m starting to lose my friends…I can’t trust myself in how I feel but how I feel constantly makes me doubt everyone around me. I don’t trust me or anyone else and…it’s fucking lonely and exhausting. I try and I try and I try to push the negative thoughts away and out convince myself that what I feel isn’t real and is all in my head but it doesn’t matter in the end bc it all just bottles up and I just end up lashing out and assuming things which most of the time leaves me being wrong and puts me in this spiral of craziness that I want no part of. I can’t talk to people normally or keep up with conversation bc I’m truly convinced that my existence is a nuisance and anything I have to say is just so damn uninteresting and stupid…I hate myself to the point where I don’t believe I deserve anything and that keeps me in such a dark place so I just get depressed. It’s such a weird feeling to be depressed and anxious at the same time, it’s like ur split in two. Half of you is motionless and numb and just wants everything to stop while the other is active, spiraling and wont stop. I can’t afford a therapist and every time I try to look into affordable healthcare I just get so overwhelmed and just stop. I just feel so fucking helpless and dumb…idek why I’m writing this. Maybe to just vent or see if anyone out there can relate? I’m sorry I know this was long but if you read this and have any advice I would greatly appreciate it…thank you