**CW; self-harm, substance abuse, suicide, eating disorders**

I just posted about how well I've been doing but I take it all back. Nothing is alright. Nobody understands what goes on inside my head. My friend and my boyfriend (also FP) all say 'we' but it's really just me. I'm going to be 22 and I have no idea how to take care of myself if my boyfriend was to leave me. If he did, I would only go down more and eventually kill myself. My family thinks I should have grown out of this but HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GROW OUT OF IT? It's here forever and I'm forever trapped in my own mind and self-degrading suicidal thoughts. 

FP betrayed me and that's what triggered my current downward spiral. For backstory, I told him to block a girl because to me, she's a threat and I don't like how often they spoke and how close they were. He blocked her on Snapchat but continued to talk to her on Discord. My baby daddy cheated on me, so I've always had paranoia in the back of my head. I know FP didn't cheat on me, but it felt the same as if he did. He took advantage of my trust, went behind my back, lied, hid, and betrayed me. I trusted him and he destroyed that. It send me into an entire episode, and for the icing on top, I was home alone, so I did a lot of things like self-harm, throw and break things. I put all his clothes outside before bringing them back inside. Since it happened, I haven't been doing well and even considered leaving him because my heart hurts that bad. I think I had a nightmare last night, but I'm not entirely sure. It felt like a dream inside of a dream. Idk. Everything has been off.

I relapsed on pills again last night because I'm at my rock bottom. Nothing feels worth living for and being high makes my head shut up. FP is working today and I'm alone. I don't know how to cope on my own. The deep breaths don't work, and not even the thought of my daughter soothes me. I do love her but I've already convinced myself that she's better off with my mom where she's been. I'm too mentally unstable. I've never been able to provide for her the way my mom can. I can't even take care of myself.

I've also been cutting again. The pain from my wounds makes me temporarily forget the pain in my head and heart. I haven't been eating either. Even though I'm petite I should weigh 100-115lbs but I weigh 83lbs. I haven't had an appetite and I don't have food stamps either which is another nail in the coffin.. everything keeps hitting me one thing after another and I don't know what to do. I feel lost and I only feel like a burden to people. That's why I come here to trauma dump because I'm so alone. At least here I'm surrounded by like-minded people who truly know how difficult it is to live with this disorder and the intruding thoughts over the smallest of things. I just want to give up. I don't feel safe anywhere.