Hey. I don’t necessarily need advice, I just needed to tell someone, and the person I would have talked to about what’s going on, my gf, obviously isn’t an outlet for this. My gf and I, both women in late 20’s, have been dating about 2 and half years. I have always known something was wrong with me because of the erratic nature of my romantic relationships, but it wasn’t until earlier this year that I found out I likely have BPD. My gf had been trying so hard to read about it, talk to me and understand it, but ultimately my inability to be independent and consistent in my emotions and needs has pushed her away because she can’t continue to put herself in a position to support me. I can’t and don’t blame her— at least not when I’m of sound mind. There’s no loss of love, she just says she can’t do it anymore. It’s been about a year that things have been really hard. She’s decided to go no contact because she think it will be better for me not to hold onto hope. 

I find myself grieving for the kind of love and relationship I have always wanted, but could likely never exist in a healthy way. In my mind, it’s a trust and love so mutually secure that I would never feel the need to question it. But somewhere in me, I know that’s a pipe dream because nothing is that perfect. 

This may sound cliche and probably comes off as intensely vain, but I feel like I have a lot of love, I just don’t know what to do with it. 

And now I’ve lost my best friend and don’t know how to grieve that loss without her. I’m dealing with suicidal ideation and am struggling to turn the other way this time. It feels like there is no purpose and I just want the pain to stop because life will always be like this— cycles of loving intensely and losing intensely, no peace or equilibrium to be found. 

Sorry everyone, I just needed to get some of this out.