I'm sorry if this is too long but I am also writing what I'm feeling for reference since I am going to seek out medical treatment in the next days.

I always had an unhealthy obsession with sex ever since I was young and after 8 years of smoking weed and using drugs daily, when I sobered up, around 2 years ago it came back stronger than ever and I have been trying to understand and manage it. I think it is an extension of my horrible relationship management with other people, and always feeling like I'm way too intense.

I have been dating this girl for two years now and I've known her for 8 years. It was really good in the beginning but after a while we started fighting a lot and triggering each other, a lot of it because we are both dealing with trauma from our pasts.

There has been some awful stuff between us two but we managed to get trough it, stuff like me smoking weed when I was away and hiding it from her (this is a big trigger for her), her hitting me several times and doing stuff to try and make me violent (this is a big trigger for me), and one thing happened where I had a wet dream while we were spooning and she woke up with sperm on her, which was horrible specially because it triggered her trauma and it was an accident I was sleeping.

I wanted to break thing up many times but she always cries a lot and says she is getting panic attacks and her life will be nothing without me and she will be in a horrible place and I end up giving in.

Two days ago we were staying at my parents place for vacation, she hit me again, in rage in the middle of an argument and I was so tired of it I told her it was the end that was it, and honestly I never felt so much like that, because every time I forgive her I feel like crap, I feel so weak because I would never hit her back and it's like I am letting her do what she wants of me. This fight went on for a long time and she kept crying and screaming at me and saying please I will never do it again I promise, this time it will be different, and I just burst, I was so furious out and told her "tell me if I used you for pleasure right now, had sex with you when you don't want to, will you still want to be with me? Will you still be able to be with me" and she said "of course if that is what it takes to be with you, do it". She has trauma because she was molested as a child and I have trauma because of my father hitting my mother for years and all the memories I have of witnessing it and all the fear I have of becoming like him. I was so mad with her answer that I friend for a bit to do it, but physically couldn't, I snapped out of it and screamed at her "I'm not like this I would never do something like this, I'm not like this stop, please stop all this" I was so afraid of myself and confused and angry. She kept on snapping at me and saying the same things and then tried to entice me and started touch me to make me want to do it, and I only felt anger and disgust........ I still can't wrap my mind around it.... I stopped her and wanted to get out of the room but she wouldn't let me and pressured me so much that I said "fine you fucking want to be me, I'll give you one more chance, but if you ever touch me again I'll walk out, no matter where the fuck we are" I felt so angry, manipulated and used, so triggered that in my head I just wanted to make her feel as shitty as me, I wanted to trigger her trauma and make her understand how she was making me feel, so I told her "but I'm going to punish you, for all the times you hit me and I had to forgive you, so you know what I feel" because I couldn't believe she was able to go through it and still want to be me and honestly at that moment I just wanted to hurt her like she did to me. So I told her I wanted to fuck her even if she didn't want to and she accepted it, and when we started doing it she was in pain and I continued, my head was filled with emotions so much anger and so much hate for her and what she did and at the same time being worried for her, I can't explain it. I went trough with it but when it finished I started panicking realizing what I just did and honestly I still can't understand how I was capable of doing something like this, I hate myself, she is suffering so much, I should have just ended it but she kept fucking my head up and I could just leave because we are 400 miles away from her place and it's my parents house and I don't fucking now, I was and am so desperate I just want all of this to end, I can't deal with what I did, I never wanted to do anything like this, I just want all of it to be over, I want to help her but I can't, of course not, I fucked up, I never did anything like this and still can't understand what happened how did I feel so much rage and hate to do something like this to someone I loved......

I'm so sorry to everyone I just don't know how to process this any other way and where to go for help except for medical treatment which I can only get a few days from now.....