Well it isn't *her* necessarily but the situation I'm in now waiting for her to respond to me. I messaged her about something that we were trying to talk through and reach a conclusion on, and after I said something about it she didn't respond. It's been about six hours now. We normally chat throughout most of the day and never usually have gaps in time this long unless she informs me she's busy. Like yesterday she was studying so I easily and willingly messaged her a lot less.

Ugh, I know it's likely nothing wrong but I wish it wouldn't bother me so much. I try to focus on a game or working on my guitar but I keep absent-mindedly checking my messages and seeing no responses and reminding myself. Maybe I should turn my computer off for the rest of the day and work on improving things or gaming. She will message me back eventually and it may not even be tonight and I need to get used to that. 

What really isn't helping is I recently had a breakdown over losing contact with someone I thought I was building a close friendship with over a stupid joke I made. I do think it was immature but I definitely didn't mean anything by it and she never said anything to me again. Like I just wish people would tell me I suck and not drop contact and leave me assuming the worst. It would hurt a lot less if people would tell me straight out they aren't interested in talking to me anymore. Shit, I'm used to that by now.

Now I'm paranoid that a similar thing could happen with this FP. Do I talk too much? Does she think I'm acting weird? Am I too much to deal with? All these reasons she'd abandon me are just popping up unintentionally. I also have another FP that I go through this every few days with even though she tells me over and over again I'm fine and she won't leave me. FML. Fuck my stupid brain. Fuck trauma. I feel like a big fucking idiot crybaby that deserves this.