Woo. I don't even know where to start. Her and I met in Pennsylvania about 6 years ago because her boyfriend at the time and I had a mutual hobby. She got involved too eventually but stopped but we became closer. 

A few years later I was dating someone like 35 years older than me. He was jealous and possessive but besides that we got along great. So it was hard to not be his friend or get back with him at times. My FP chose his side and let me know what I was doing wasn't cool. I kinda distanced myself from her because I was sick of the rejection and anxiety of losing her. 

Eventually the guy and I broke up. I made another fp but she was deeply sick and didnt want help. Fast forward a few years. My other FP has a psychotic break from stopping drinking alcohol. She sleeps with her best friends boyfriend. The guy was totally using her. My friend got upset about it. She left in her car and drove all the way to Utah. 

My ex and I were still friends (him being in love with me kinda annoyed me but I stayed friends with him because i was an idiot) and we were really worried about her. So we drove to Utah and found my friend. 

My friend and I had lots of talks while I was there about the past. She thought i was using my ex for money (i was not) and playing with his head (i wasn't and was very sick at the time with my bpd and didnt know wtf I was doing) but we talked it all out and the truth was laid out. She had picked my ex and said that she should have just talked to me but she didn't. 

My ex and I left utah. I dont know why but while I was there I felt something I've never felt before. I felt hope. I felt happiness. I was in a weird stage of my life when I got there. I was planning on ending my life because a year before I was assaulted and it really fucked me up on the inside and gave me PTSD. I couldn't handle it. But while I was in Utah for those few days I just knew I wanted to keep living.

I went back to Pennsylvania for the spring and summer. Dated someone who didn't really care about me. The break up was rough of me. My fp and I were talking more and she suggested I come visit. But I was thinking more like just move there. I told her and we were so fucking excited. 

I packed everything I could fit into my little car  and drove there. It felt like we were closer than ever. I feel like I made the right decision to move. My other friend was always lying about drinking and lying about other things. I couldn't take it. I cut her off and never looked back. My ex had stopped going to our mutual hang out stop and was isolating himself. Once I left the state he started to hang out with his friends more. The guy I had dated that summer accused me and another friend of sleeping together even though it never happen. I felt by staying in Pennsylvania I was just fucking up their friendship. And when I went to visit in November, I realized I had made the right decision. All these things never would have gotten better if I had stayed.

And for the past week I was doing good. I was hiking more. I was able to concentrate on myself more. The only thing holding me back was my eating disorder but I wasn't going to concentrate on that only thing and tell myself my life was shit. I was happy.

Then my fp hits me with a bomb tonight. She canceled our plans to hang out because she said something inside her is happening and she needs to go to New Zealand. I had told her the day before I was really happy and doing good. 

I told her I felt like ever since I told her I was happy that we didnt talk as much or hang out as much than when I was doing bad. She said she didn't think that was a bad thing? She just she was glad I was happy but needed to not hang out with people at all this week. So she realizes she needs to move to New Zealand and she cant hang out with people? It just sounds like bullshit to me.

I dont have many friends here. I've been hurt before so I'm very very particular of who I make friends with and who I hang out with. I only have one other friend. Its funny because she recently called me her best friend and she has no idea I have BPD, PTSD, or an eating disorder. I doubt she would want to be my friend if she knew all this. 

I just am feeling kinda suicidal. It snowed a bit here and I cant leave because I dont have four wheel drive. I was supposed to go to an interview tomorrow but I doubt I'll get out. I am just at a loss of wtf to do with my life. I was doing so good and all of a sudden I feel like shit again. I can't remember the last time I was happy for a week. I dont even know if that has ever happened.

Maybe I should just go back to PA and be depressed there. My parents would pay for me to get help though I've gotten help since I was 8 years old and it never helped me  I'm still fucked up.