i have bpd, and of course the really unhealthy abandonment issues that come with it. my best friend told me that she wanted to take a “break” and said that the way i express my emotions terrify her. i’m not good with expressing myself with words, so i’ll often draw what i feel or write down every thought i have (usually none of it coherent). it’s a form of coping i use to avoid self harm. after looking over what i drew or wrote i can put my thoughts into actual words to explain what i’m feeling. i like to share how i feel because sometimes there’s beauty within the horror of your mind, so often i’d post my drawings or entries from my diary on my spam account. these are what she’s referring to when she says the way i express myself is “terrifying”

i just feel like i’m doing something wrong. i try to act healthily by doing things other than hurting myself, but even that doesn’t seem like enough. she told me to express myself to people who are close to me, but she was the only person i felt close enough to open up to. and i can’t message her because i am causing her pain. it fuckint hurts me, she’s the only person i want to talk to but this “break” just feels like abandonment. i told her i want her to leave if that’s what’s best for her because i never ever want to cause her pain, but she told me there just need to be changes in the way i express myself. i don’t know how to express myself in any other way, it just feels like she’s trying to change a part of me that i can’t fix or control.