I am a young guy with indications of BPD and NPD (though honesty, I think I'm too smart for NPD).

I thought I'd post my personal experience because I am confused. Does it match yours?

Usually, I am the sweetest guy to my girl. I have love, affection, care, acceptance, forgiveness and the sweetest compliments to elevate her self-esteem. She feels comfortable with me - I enjoy making her happy because her happiness is delightful.

If she says 1 wrong thing even if it was an accident, I forget all the love I have ever felt for her, and all I feel is pain. I start fucking with her until she cries - I play cold, distant, I use guilt tripping. She always apologizes and begs for forgiveness, which causes me to split back and comfort her.

It disturbs me how I am unable to love her just because of a single word that she says.

I wish I could love bomb her all the time. She is addicted to it. I enjoy her happiness a lot. She is such a delight when she is happy. I love her. I want her happy. I want to create paradise for her.

Honestly, I wish to kill myself because of what I've done to her. I always tell her I want to die because of her failure - but in truth, perhaps it is my own inability to love her consistently that drives me nuts. I have said hurtful things to her that devastated her to this day. I hate myself for it and I made amends by bring extra extra sweet to her. But it keeps happening, albeit to a lesser gravity.

I never directly apologized for doing any of this, and chances are I never will. But if you are reading this, my love: I'm sorry, I love you and I will do everything to make you happy. I love you now and forever and you are such a sweet angel. I am sorry I am a worthless piece of shit. I will change that. I have already changed much. I hope that you never leave me.

I am not a good guy, really. But she loves me. I will not fail her.

I split on her multiple times while writing this. It's hard to keep my shit together and write something coherent.

I love her. I hate her. I love her but I hate her.

How does that make sense?