Let me start with some context, I met my friend on a discord server and we used to chat a lot. I thought everything was going to be okay but I keep letting my temper, jealousy, and just overall toxic actions/thoughts take over. We have a somewhat decent sized friend group and we have our own discord server, I’ve never been bothered by the fact that my friend had other friends in the server before I got there, in fact I just desperately wanted my friend to like me in the beginning. We did eventually get closer, we talked a lot and everything was going good for a while but then he joined a new server and found new friends. Of course we were still friends but the idea of him being able to get new friends threw me overboard, I really never didn’t want this to happen again but I never know how to control myself when things get bad.

He’s started dating one of these new friends and I’m insanely jealous for no reason, I’ve never had any romantic feelings towards him at all but it just makes me feel sick. I sort of feel used even though I’ve only come to that conclusion because of my bpd. When we were discussing his crush he told me something along the lines of “I do get more happy to talk to my new friends” and that’s always stuck with me for some reason cause now Im thinking I was just a new toy for him and once Im not new anymore he’s tossed me aside for these new friends. I know it sounds childish but these are actual thoughts Im having and am still struggling with. When his feelings for the new friend of his developed more and they got closer he’s stopped talking to me as much as he used to and I understand that he’d obviously like to talk more to his crush but I’m still struggling.

It started with little things, very toxic and manipulative thoughts that I could push away but then it turned into manipulative things that I’d say to him and now recently I’ve been lashing out at him. Now I’m scared I’ve gone too far and he’s done dealing with me, of course it’s perfectly okay if he is because I’m the problem here by dragging him down with me and he shouldn’t have to deal with my shit but just the idea of him abandoning or hating me terrifies me.

I apologized in his dms the other day, but he never responded to it, I knew he was online because he was chatting with other friends in the server. I genuinely feel like he hates me now and it’s just given me more self-destructive thoughts like cutting everyone off but I don’t want to do that again and I don’t want to lose my friends again. I want to break this cycle I’m always in where things go good for a while but then the thoughts start up again and then I make a huge scene and cut them all off impulsively, it’s just rinse and repeat. 

Ive decided to take a break from discord for a week just so I didn’t have to subject anyone to another one of my episodes and just to get away from it all but I’m not sure how long I can do this for. I just want advice on what I should do going forward, I hate these cycles and I hate losing friends to this shit.