Hi guys so I’m desperate for advice. I turned my horrifically self destructive life around and ended up meeting a guy whose unlike anyone else I’ve ever been with.. loves me entirely unconditionally, has almost endless patience and devotion etc. I only say “almost” because of how bad things have gotten but he’s overwhelmingly committed overall. He’s a really high quality person and an actual adult man. He’s so good to me and the best thing that ever happened to me. Gives me such a nice life and makes sure I have nice things. TL;DR at bottom.

Well I’m badly fucking everything up to put it lightly. I’ve been so emotionally abusive and just treating him like shit basically. I’ve been so horrifically unstable. I’ve been, and continue to be, so unbelievably afraid of losing him, but everything I’m doing is exactly what’s going to cause me to lose him. And I don’t know how to stop myself or gain control. If I remove myself from the situation like go into another room and lay down before engaging or mouthing off, it only draws attention to the problem. And I ALWAYS have to say something no matter what. I’ll push things away and try to not let shit upset me and then it blows up out of nowhere later. I have no idea why he wants to be with me at all. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be with someone like me. Most people wouldn’t. I’m shocked he hasn’t left me after how much the last year has only worsened more practically each day, especially lately. But after a conversation last night, he’s made it clear I very could possibly lose him if things don’t change and I don’t stop being abusive. Mind you this conversation has come up many times but he never felt through with the threats of leaving. However this time I think he means it. Before starting some shit last night, like an hour before I was thinking to myself “I don’t want to be *like that*” in reference to not wanting to be like the person I’ve been acting like. But then an hour later I do just that. I don’t know what to do. Without him, I’m convinced I’ll end up in some Sid and Nancy type relationship in a matter of time. Is there anything I can do?? 

TL;DR creating a self fulfilling prophecy of losing my boyfriend I’ve been with and lived with well over a year and a half. Hes the greatest boyfriend in existence. He’s so incredibly devoted and patient but I’ve become more miserable to be with than ever and super emotionally abusive to him. I basically treat him like shit so unfairly. I lack any self control. The possibility of losing him has become real and if I lose him I’ll probably end up in some Sid and Nancy situation with someone else. I don’t know what to do. Any tips? Any suggestions on how to put a stop to my self fulfilling prophecy and get my shitty behavior under control?