My bf is 21 and I recently turned 20. We decided to eat at a restaurant today where he ordered a glass of whiskey. At first I felt a bit jealous that he gets to drink but I brushed it off. But then i saw this group of middle aged people sitting down at the table next to us, all ordering alcoholic drinks. That’s when I started to split, after seeing them enjoying themselves and talking to each other. I felt like I was being left out, and they were actively trying to make fun of me when they laughed. I even saw the other tables around us getting alcohol. I started to become frustrated and angry with my bf, as I saw him as “one of them”, and lashed out. I was just filled with so much rage and I even swatted his hand away when he tried to comfort me. The thing is, I know he wasn’t trying to and I know the other people around me were just minding their own business. 

I started crying after calming down, and he explained to me that I was treating him like shit. I know it doesn’t excuse anything but I just wish he understood what goes on in my head and that it’s nothing person even though it may seem like it is. It’s like my brain went full on trauma mode and I had no way to stop it. 

And now even though he says he loves me and cares about me, I just feel like he’s becoming sick of me and is giving up on me. I’m just deeply afraid he’s going to leave me because he is honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It just seems like explaining it to him won’t help either because I think I just look like I’m trying to make excuses.