Growing up my mom didn't have a lot of money. We lived in a one bedroom apartment, i slept in my bedroom and the living room was basically my moms room. My mom always locked me in my room so she can smoke weed or have sex or just to be alone. I remember one day she had a guy over and she told me to grab snack (normally she wouldn't even do that)  and go to my room. If i left the room without her permission I'd be screamed at and get threatened for an "ass whopping" (Thankfully she didn't hit me much, mainly just screamed at me and tore me down). My mom was also an alcoholic at the time so she passed out drunk and forgot about me constantly. I was so scared of her, that I spent the entire day in agonizing pain needing to use the restroom. I had no water and I  was only 8 so the snack I grabbed was a terrible choice. I was starving and dehydrated. 

This happened all the time, being locked in my room alone. This memory just surfaced recently since I just started trying to work on my trauma. It was definitely somewhere deep in my brain. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my past with my mom. Ive spent my whole life being gaslighted and manipulated by her. She loves being in control and she loved controlling me. I think she is one of the big reasons i have abandonment issues and why I try so hard to be loved. I just love her so much.