(english isn’t my first language so excuse me some mistakes)

TW: suicide mention

i (pwbpd F27) broke up with my toxic bf (M25) 2 days ago. 
he was being really mean via text, and he have this habit… out of blue, if we are having some issues with our communication he shuts down and starts saying things like “don’t talk to me i’m done with you, i don’t give a fuck about what you think or feel” and in the past i told him how triggering for me is to hear/read that type of things… we have a toxic past as well, last year he cheated on me with multiple other girls, he treated me poorly and never thinks about anyone but himself and sometimes i really think he have npd (i already tried to talk to him about that but he loses his mind when i tell him he should look for some mental health care). 
so 2 days ago he started saying those things and in a moment of anxiety, panic and sadness i blocked him everywhere possible. 
he is or was my FP (now i don’t know lol) and i can’t feel anything right now… i feel just a little sad i guess… and i’m so so so so scared because i know that soon or later i will blow up, my body will be full with rage, sadness and suicidal thoughts and i don’t know what to do… i have to wait until friday to my appointment with my therapist. 
i’m so fucking tired of this, all i wanted was to be healthy, happy and hopeful. i don’t have any happy and healthy perspective about my future and i’m so so so scared i feel like a baby totally lost. 
most of the times i just think that there’s no point of being alive and the only thing that keeps me here it’s that if i kill myself my grandparents couldn’t take that pain.