Because I am always afraid my smile is not going to be received well or that I am going to come off as creepy. It's hard to have a genuine smile when you have social anxiety and depression. But they say you need to smile or at least look approachable to make a good first impression. I always feel underwhelmed by my interactions with people. Half the time I'm just trying to find a reason to be legitimately happy and I'm constantly fighting negative thoughts. I guess it's not working since I still feel like shit and want the world to disappear.

 I'm 26 and I'm starting to believe I'm just going to die a miserable person unable to laugh or make himself happy I feel like a fucking ego maniac too because I'm always comparing myself to others, especially in the middle of social interaction almost like I'm the guy from American Psycho minus the violence and obsessiveness. Happiness and love and being able to laugh and have insight into the world around me seem so foreign to me. On some level it's too uncomfortable to let go. On another level I just don't know how to do it and stay in the moment. How many days will I have depressive/suicidal/self hating thoughts throughout the day triggered by everything at this point? I feel like I'm too far gone. My brain is wired in the wrong direction and it has been the natural development of my brain since childhood. I don't know what is realistic to expect of myself and what I am actually able to accomplish in terms of being happy. I feel like no other human being can even relate to feeling this way. I'm dead inside on all accounts. I'm desperately hoping a long term dopamine detox is the answer. The suicidal thoughts every day are so much to bear. I just want to feel normal and loved, and to be capable of taking interest in the world around me. Instead it just feels like I'm dead inside, feel inferior to everyone who has a sense of humor, and I'm too fucked up and look for validation and shit. Fuck me dude, I don't understand how to change.