CW: self hatred, suicide, sh

For the past 3 years, I've been trying desperately to pull up my grades and do well in school. Each and every semester I come up with a new plan, a new system of alarms and schedules and planners, and try my best to stay on top of things. And every single time, no matter how hard I try, I still fail. I feel like my brain is literally not letting me do my fucking homework.

I've stopped doing lots of extracurricular activities I was good at to focus on raising my grades. I didn't apply for awards I could've gotten. I cleared my schedule to give myself ample time to study everyday. Somehow, I still didn't. I feel worthless, my brain is stubborn and stupid and just incapable of being good like other peoples'. I cut myself as a punishment, to try to discipline myself, but that never works either.

I feel like nothing matters in my life but getting into a T20. I read posts about how you can still be successful if you get into a bad college but honestly I don't care about being really successful or rich. Even if it's possible for me to transfer or go to an Ivy for grad school, I don't really care. I want to prove myself now and I can't stand the thought of having to tell people I'm going to Cal State Dominguez or something.

Every setback I withstood was supposed to make me stronger, so that one day I could prove myself by getting into one of my dream schools. Now, my dad deludedly thinks I'm going to get into Princeton REA while I have a shit GPA and hardly any awards. There's absolutely no one to blame but myself. I think I'm going to kill myself before results come out so I don't have to feel the shame of disappointing everyone, the shame of knowing all my hard work has been pointless, the shame of knowing I'll never be good enough.