Growing up I was an extremely violent and explosive kid. Some of that may have been just my personality honestly, while some could have been outside influence. However, the more I look back on my life, the more I see things that are wrong. I found out getting beaten, choked out until loss of consciousness, and emotional neglect is not a normal situation to live with. I had to grow up fast, so I didn’t have a childhood. I don’t think I was ever a child to be honest, as that was taken away from me. Besides the point; anyways, here we are 17 years after my birth, 6 suicide attempts, are finally discussing things like the reason I am constantly suicidal, and why I am also socially inept. 17 years of constant struggling, and finally they (my psychiatrist at the hospital I was in-patient at) come to the conclusion that I might be autistic, which would mean that my entire life I have essentially been trying to build a house (socially interact) without the tools needed to do so, as unlike other people I miss the ability to innately understand certain things, so those need to be learned, and can be learned (mostly). It made so much sense, because while I understand social skills fundamentally, I am just incapable of properly applying them. Honestly, at this point, I really don’t have any reason to keep staying alive. I lost all my friends, I never had a family I considered mine, and I, at this rate, will never do a single thing with my life. That’s how I feel. That’s how I really feel. But it’s not how I FEEL. That’s not what feelings are for me. That’s what I think. What I feel is absolutely nothing. Just pure numbness to everything. I look at everything objectively, and make judgments based off how that should make me feel as I’ve been taught. Honestly I don’t really mind anything at this point, so fire away with what you want to say.