My life has been so difficult. 

Shortly after I was born my dad had a horrific workplace accident which left him permanently disabled. My whole childhood my mom had to work 2 jobs since my dad couldn't work and my dad spent all that time re-learning how to walk/eat/etc. My sister always has to be the one in charge of me and it unfortunately left both my sister and I with issues growing up since we both didn't have much of a childhood.

To top that off I was almost kidnapped in grade 8 and I was sexually assaulted for several years by a family member of mine.

When I started university one of my friends died of meningitis and another died of a brain aneurysm. Their absence hurt too much so I eventually stopped being friends with the rest of the group as it just felt wrong.

That same year I found out my mom was cheating and she manipulated my sister and I into not telling my dad. He eventually found out and kicked her out and ignored my sister and I for months for betraying him.  

After that my mom decided to move half way across the world to live with that guy and she didn't say goodbye or contact us to at least let us know she's alive for months.

In that time my dad spiraled into depression and turned to alcohol, my dog died, and we lost our house since my mom was our source of income.

I almost had to drop out of university because all of this was too much to handle.

I thought things got better when I met the person who I thought was the love of my life but I took a lot of my own pain out on him and the relationship turned toxic.  He ended up cheating on me and having a secret girlfriend for years before I found out. To make things even better, the day that I found out was also the day that my cousin, whom I was very close with, died of a preventable drug overdose (her friends were there and didn't call an ambulance until the next day because they wanted to sober up first before talking to police).

After this, which was probably the lowest point in my life, I worked on my issues with a therapist before dating again. But it didn't help because I keep dating men who emotionally abuse me and I don't leave them because deep down I feel like I deserve it.

If you're thinking 'well be thankful you have your health', yeah I'm also dealing with an autoimmune disease where I'm slowly losing my ability to see. So yeah there's that too!

I know everyone goes through things and I know I am totally victimizing myself right now.  I'm not saying all this to say my life is harder than anyone else's becuase I know I have it good compared to a lot of people.

Regardless of that though, I just feel so depressed and just done with life. I regularly go on long drives at night hoping that a drunk driver or something will take me away.

I just want it to end, I honestly can't say that I remember a time in my life when I was happy. I've always just been surviving and I'm so tired.

I won't do it because I don't want my family to lose yet another person, but man I dream about it every day.