Ever since I was young I always felt bad or sick after eating. I think it started after my parents left me in the car strapped to a baby seat at night. I had a pretty troubled childhood, I don’t think I was physically or sexually abused but things were rocky. Out of all my siblings I struggled the most to eat anything. I was taken to the GP who couldn’t find anything wrong with me and told my parents to feed me anything I liked to bring my weight up. So since 5 I mostly ate chicken dippers and chips or McDonald’s. All the time. 

I remember as I grew up and went to friends houses, I struggled so much to eat the food they gave me, I’d eat half the plate and say “thank you so much, sorry I can’t eat more I’m just not that hungry but it tastes amazing”. I was always awkward eating, and had to watch how everyone else did it. I struggled to cut up meat and felt weird using a knife and fork. My friends parents noticed this and encouraged me to eat properly.

My parents would ask how I ate their food and I’d just say I don’t know. They always asked what I wanted for tea and I always said I don’t know. I’m 22 now and only just started to eat proper food, I’ve put on weight rapidly in the past 4 years even though it still makes me feel sick whenever I eat and I eat way below the calorie limit (I don’t work out much though). I’ve gone from being malnourished and skinny my entire life to being overweight and all that’s changed is that I don’t eat takeaways all the time, it’s really weird. Now I’m starting to feel bad for gaining weight. I also just can’t eat in front of people I’m not comfortable with. I feel like I eat like an idiot. I’m having Christmas dinner with my boyfriend and his parents and it scares me so much. I’ve never eaten a proper Christmas dinner.

How do people eat normally and how do I stop feeling ill and bad for eating food. I hate this so much.