Makes me sad to realise how lost I was a few weeks ago. In an earlier post I wrote: 

“Am I fooling myself? Guys I really don’t know anymore.. what’s reality?! It’s driving me crazy.

I feel like I have no one to talk to but my ex boyfriend because no one believes me...”

My ex really got into my head, couldn’t believe anything or anyone accept for him. I now realise though that, if someone tells you: I know the real you, I know you better then your licences therapist you’ve known for 7+ years, I know you better then your 6 year long friendships, I know you better then your whole family you’re close to, I know you better then you know yourself.. you have borderline, you abused me, and that‘s all on you.. Then something is going wrong. Wow, I really lost who I was for a few days, such a scary and lost feeling. Now I realise his story doesn’t make sense, now I realise that.. because I broke down like I did when he told me those things, because I believed him immediately, because it’s my biggest fear to ever hurt someone I love... because I tumbled down into self hatred... I am actually a loving person. I asked EVERYONE if I’m the monster he described me as, I forced my old therapist to take new tests, told her all the hurtful things I did in the relationship... and she just looked at me and said, I see one of the most loving people I know in front of me, worried to death if she hurt the person she loves te most. I see a girl, that’s very vulnerable to the opinions of the ones she loves, I see a girl that’s highly intelligent emotionally and needs a certain level of communication in a relationship for it to work. I see a girl that cant do the ordinary, I see a girl that can only love so deeply.. because she experienced so much pain and betrayal in her live, she loves her partner with all that she has. And I quote: “Marjolein if the kind of love you poses is perceived as love bombing, as manipulatieve, or as anything less then what is it.. then that’s just not the person worthy of your love, like your exboyfriend. He will never understand the depths of the love you have to give, he doesn’t understand or see you for who you are,  so let him go”. Quote on quote what she said to me.. and then everything changed.. &lt;3     


Ofcourse I wasn’t an angel throughout the relationship, I did stuff that hurt him, stuff I regret. But we all do horrible stuff sometimes. I try to remember that during our relationship we were living in an pandemic, I had an abortion and had trouble with the hormones for months, I was described the wrong medication.. making me a very anxious person. Right now I am so bubbly and social.   


I think what I want to say is that, just because you have the diagnosis, it’s still possible that other people gaslight you, you are not always the monster, the villain, the one completely to blame. Be honest with yourself, recognise what you did wrong.. but don’t fall into what I’ve experienced the last couple of months. Trust yourself and the people around you that you’ve known for years, not some boy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist because he reads a lot of borderline articles and posts on bpdlovesdones.   


Take care loves!