My whole life I was treated like garbage by my peers around me. Elementary school was a nightmare for me and I was constantly bullied and made fun of. I distinctly remember telling my self “just wait till high school, you’ll make plenty of friends and have good times!” I didn’t really make a lot of friends in high school. I was that one guy who would always be the but end of a joke and was looked at as if I wasn’t human. Many of the people I decided to hang out with talked shit behind my back or completely excommunicated me when I made one little fuck up. It got to the point where in my final year I started to talk to a group of people who were friends with one of the people I actually had a good friendship with. Unfortunately he ended up moving away in our second year of high school. I pushed myself to talk to them and try to get close with them. I wanted to have friends, good friends. They let me in their friend group, but I was blinded by their true thoughts. They simply let me in as a joke. They made me do things to make myself look like an idiot and I let them. They would laugh and I would laugh. I was making them happy right? Clearly they wanted to be friends? I really just wanted to have good friends and make good memories. I tried and did everything I could for them. I was already depressed but I slowly started to hate myself more and more self consciously and think I was useless, they treated me like I was second hand and I blindly let them. I was friends with them for 4 years. I became so tired of everything and wanted help. I told them everything, about how I always was treated like garbage and that I just wanted to fit in, how I was depressed. They kicked me out and called me a cry baby. They laughed at me. It’s funny how once you stop talking to people that you truly start to realize who they really are and what they really wanted for and from you. To this day I still think that way. It’s been a year and a half since they kicked me out. I ended up getting diagnosed and go to therapy, I even made new friends. After everything I still think that I’m not worth anything. That my new friends that I made don’t actually like me and that there using me, that there just “putting up with me”. That I’m not worth anything or anyones time. I feel very tired of it all. Sometimes I just want it all to stop. I feel like I’m going to lose my mind at times.