Around a year ago i left my fiance. We had been together for 5 years. Before him, i have been in long relationships most of my life as well, never really been single. I live abroad (for many years now).

When i made a decision to leave him, i knew it will be hard, but i didnt know how long it would last. It was the hardest decision i ever made, and so very shameful, in front of my family and friends. I felt so very alone, with no one to go to.

When i think back, i think i have been slightly depressed and feeling lonely most of my life.I felt like everyone will sooner or later will abandon me, as it becomes inconvenient to be friends anymore (i move, they move, new relationships, jobs and whatever else). Thats the story i have seen repeating ongoingly.  

anyways, the breakup has caused this whole depression to resurface with a bang. It has gotten better, but it is not gone. I have friend making new friends, going on dates etc. But i still feel terribly alone. If i have no plans, or someone cancels on me, i just feel like my whole world is falling apart, that there is no point in living with such a dependency to people that dont care about me. I cant handle thinking about holidays, as i have no plans. In dont want to do anything alone.

A couple of weeks ago i had a leg injury making me unable to walk for some time, meaning being completely isolated and barely able to put on pants. the people that i hoped would come rushing to visit, didnt. One took 5 days to find time for a coffee. The other one asked a couple of Qs about what happened, and then forgot about me for a week. 

I just feel so desperate, i dont know how to handle life like this. I have two cats, and sometimes i feel that in these moments where i just want to disappear and dissolve, they are the only thing preventing me from ending everything.