Ever since i was young(6 to 8 years old) i’ve been told that during my lifetime i will achieve many great things… For context, i am a 20 years old male living in eastern Europe. I’ve been brought up in a traditional family even though i’ve lived in the city for my entire life. I was never allowed to fail or give up in anything. I always forced myself to do more then good in absolutely everything. I was always top of my class from kindergarten to highschool. In this 20 years of living i’ve been forced to give up all my hobbies and all the small things that brought me the slightest glimpse of joy up… From drawing and writhing to fucking legos… Simply smashed both physically and metaphorically by my parents… I’ve practiced many sports in which i excelled: football, water polo and jiu jitsu… 8 hours of school and 5 of sport every single day… nothing every brought me joy. I’ve tough myself how to speak to people and be an extrovert because i was never allowed to feel depressed, even thought I’d quite frequently suffer from severe panic attacks, unable to breath, I’ve educated myself to control them, alone. After hours of crying and talking about how i wish id simply die in my sleep my psychologist would tell me to think about something else. Now im a first year student in political science and in september im also starting law. Im tired, i work all day and simply nothing and i mean nothing makes me belive that life is worth it. I sleep 4-5 hours a night and this has been going for a few years. I talked about going to the doctor but ive been told its just because im not tired enough and i should work more. Ive never been satisfied physically or mentally by any women and i know its because of me, im a freak. I fucking hate myself the way i look the way i talk and on top of that im an ugly fucking cunt. Ive fought so much all these years and ive lost. Ive never felt more alone. I simply cant find joy in anyting. The worst part is that i have to fake this all day every day. I guess life truly is hopeless and ill die as a sad cunt. I just hope it will be on my own  terms