My post got removed while I was sleeping so I'll try again, this time with a slightly censored version and adding that I am not planning to do anything rash. I'm just fed up with my emotions.

I've been extremely unstable recently and all my symptoms seem to be flaring up, but this is the one thing that is killing me. My favorite person.

My world revolves around them, everything they do or say affects me in some way. I get around 3 episodes/day when I cry uncontrollably, hurt myself and just want to end it right then and there because the pain is so intensive. All because they took too long to respond or I misinterpreted something they said, convincing myself they hate me and want nothing to do with me. This feels wrong to say, but it's the same level of pain I felt when my best friend (not FP) passed away. And it happens every day, multiple times a day.

Then they talk to me and I forget everything bad for a moment. I'm ecstatic, so full of love that I feel as if I might burst. They feel like an actual god to me and I would literally drop on my knees to worship them if they so wanted. I'd do anything to keep them from leaving. You don't have to tell me how unhealthy this sounds, trust me, I know.

And of course they then leave again, causing me to crash down and fall back into that pit of pain and paranoia. Did I say something? Did they get bored of me? Are they angry? Worse than that, I keep splitting (most of the time unconsciously, sometimes to protect myself from being hurt) and afterwards feel so awful and guilty that I want to... Well you know. Keep your distance, hotline-bot.

In a nutshell: everything is too much. Too intense. I don't know what caused my BPD symptoms to go haywire, but my medication isn't working and my coping mechanisms have booked a trip to Spain.