I've been dealing with BPD/depressed/anxious for a good portion of my life but medication has always helped suppress it. For the past half year, I've been trying to do it on my own without the bandaid that is pharmaceuticals and work through things in therapy so I can actually gain skills and hopefully be a better, happier person in the end. It's not working.

I am a pretty introverted, quiet person. I found the person who I thought was going to be my lifelong partner nearly two years ago. We dated for a year but we are in different countries, so we only saw each other 4 times throughout the relationship. We skyped and texted every day, though. I made a stupid, stupid mistake about a year ago that I regret with every single fibre of my being. I was positive at the time that, despite the connection, him and I were not a good fit. I moved on. It was really, really hard on him. I tried to date around (this time, with people in my area because the distance was killing me), but no one could compare to him.

We started talking again a few months ago, but generally he said he didn't see me the same anymore. There were some times when he expressed interest but he always said it was a lapse in judgement. He has severe trust issues and I don't think anything I could say or do could rewind time and absolve my actions. A few weeks ago, he cut off all contact with me because I was pushing for a relationship a lot when he didn't want one.

I went 4 or 5 months without talking to him but these few weeks have been hell on earth. I burst into tears multiple times a day over how the relationship ended up and there are so many things in my daily life that remind me of him. I truly think that that was the best I'll ever have. I hate myself. I don't feel worthy of being in another relationship. I get intimidated when I come across people who are seemingly stable and happy because I know that no one like that would ever like me anyway. I can't take it anymore. I'm trying to move on and find other people but no one else compares. I'm idealizing this relationship so much in my head, to the point that it's tearing me down. My passion is so stunted these days for any sort of human interaction, yet I am so, so lonely.

I'm trying to keep my head above water but I feel myself slowly drowning. It's really scary. 

I've really been trying so hard to do what my counselor tells me because I can't keep living like this, but things aren't getting better.

I don't know what else to do. Thank you for listening to (reading) this vent.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you in advance.