I'm tired of everything at this point .
Tired of getting through an episode , only to then hate myself for having been weak , and get into another . 
Tired of constantly trying to avoid one . 

Tired of being told I am getting "help" only to feel like absolutely nothing has changed , at least not for the better , because now I feel guilty for not feeling better even tho people are trying to help . 
Tired of my circumstances being better but not being able to appreciate it because my mental health is only getting worse . 

Tired of not actually being able to enjoy moments of hapiness because I know that the happier I get the worse the episode is going to be . 
Tired of feeling trapped because I can't die in piece until 1 year , and I can't sh without hurting my mother/being taken away to a mental hospital , wich is hell to me . 

And trapped with a favorite person that only seems to give a shit about me when they have smth to gain from my presence and could not give any less whenever I am on the verge of suicide . Tired of constantly loving/loathing them . And feeling like a monster because I wish that they'll be unhappy and hate themselves when I do kill myself , that thought alone disgusts me and I am tired of not being able to accept that it is okay to  feel that way after how they have treated me .

I am tired of feeling like no one matters and staying alive is only ruining the last few things that do . 
I hate myself , my mind , and everyone , because deep down I wish they would just fucking help me because I can't take it anymore .
And I wish I didn't have to suffer the consequences of what others did to me , because I just can't do it anymore .