~ trigger warning - talk about weight, self-image, and depression ~

I am a nineteen year old female who has constantly struggled with my weight. As a middle schooler, I lost a lot of weight and was at a healthy weight. In high school, my self image got even worse and I developed an eating disorder which has become binge eating disorder up until this point. I had a house fire in 2018, and ever since then I just gained and gained and gained. I went from 150ish to 220 and then lost some weight at the end of high school. I got down to 170 up until 6 months ago, and I was not necessarily doing anything to lose the weight. I was eating less and my job entails a lot of walking around and what not. In September/October of 2021 I got a gym membership and was trying to be very active. I was struggling with binge eating (but that has been an ongoing thing since 2018), but still being very active. Most of my eating took place when I was binging as I tried to limit myself during the day. Anyway, with working out multiple times a week and going for almost daily walks on top of my job, I felt like I should’ve been losing weight or at least maintaining my weight of 170 (which I wasn’t happy with but my biggest fear was gaining). Anyway, since September, I have gained around 40 pounds. I was just diagnosed with PCOS last week and am currently being tested for Cushing Syndrome (which it is likely I have that because my cortisol levels are high and I seem to have many of the symptoms). My appearance occupies my mind all day and I’m constantly worried about it. I feel so huge and disgusting. I feel like I’m worth nothing and that I wish I could just punch myself in the face because my face is so punchable. I hate myself and I can’t even bare to look in the mirror. The fact that I have at least one and possibly two conditions that number one cause weight gain and make it impossible to lose weight, and number two just basically prove I’ll be disgusting forever. I feel awful because I don’t think people with these conditions are disgusting, I just think I’m unworthy of love and unworthy of happiness because I’m hideous and disgusting and there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish I could stop existing.