I'm balling my eyes out right now and I'm in so much pain emotionally. I'm sure I will not be able to sleep tonight because of it. 
My bf is out with with my former classmates (he was my classmate too). It's a high school reunion day and I didn't want to go so I went home not thinking anything of it. I mean, I was aware of that this situation could trigger me (I'll try to put it this way: I didn't go mostly because of my social anxiety and because I'm ashamed of who I've become). I was doing ok but then my bf called and said that they're having a great time bla bla bla and every one of my classmates probably heard him talking to me on the phone. Someone said to him that I should apologize for not coming to the reunion. I don't really care and I know it was a joke because nobody cares either. But I got a little bit upset because I didn't want to bring any attention to myself I just wanted him to tell me if he was ok. Then it all hit me. 
I started crying and thinking about how they're having fun and I'm here in a dark room, a useless piece of shit, ugly, socially awkward, not accepted by anyone except for my boyfriend. Nobody wants to talk to me and I don't know how to make friends too, so I'm always alone. 
I'm not even gonna start ranting about me failing at education and life.
I even had a thought that I don't want to see my bf in our usual setting again. Because we rarely have raw conversations together. But we love each other. But, again, that hurts too.
I just want to vanish from everyone's life. I don't even want people to know who I am, it's better to be this way.
But at the same time I want to be able to enjoy a conversation with someone like everyone does, I want to have fun like everyone does. I just can't because I get so anxious.  
Now I'm all alone, still, in this very dark room and I will be untill tomorrow morning. Then I'll go to work. If I'll manage to. If I don't I'll probably get fired. Lol... 
And I'm still crying. I'm pathetic. 
Tw selfharm


And I can't even hurt myself. Because I fucking deserve it. 
Sorry if my writing is messed up I'm not a native.