I mean live with myself as in cope. I’m deliberately destroying myself and at this point I feel there is nothing redeeming or good or anything left of me — even if I vow to do everything right from now on how do I even get through the days, weeks, years it will take before I’ve become someone I can actually be proud of? How can I live with myself when I’m disgusted by myself and all the negative self-pitying bullshit I alone am responsible for. How do I live with myself for choosing this life this miserable, lazy, depressive twisted way of life, where I spend hours ruminating, no matter how much therapy or what meds, it’s all my fault I could walk away but I purposely inflict this on myself probably because I want to be a victim how sick is that? And I’m self aware but still doing it— even sicker? Now begging for comfort and sympathy on Reddit? seriously honestly pretty fucking pathetic. 

I’m just disgusted by myself I am so full of negativity and passivity and I keep perpetuating it like I’m not even in control. but I am in control of myself! I’m choosing to do this I’m choosing all of this I’m choosing to wallow and I don’t understand why I don’t want to get better but I know it’s wrong and I feel disgusted by it,