TW: suicide, eating issues, Electro convulsive therapy

This is absolutely a throwaway account due to the level of details. And part of this is just emotionally vomiting because I don’t have a great support group to talk to.

I’ve (f29) been in mental health treatment for anxiety, depression, and a host of related disorders for over a decade now (should have started sooner, but my family didn’t believe in mental illness at the time). Through the years, I’ve tried many medication combinations and different types of therapy. I’ve even had several sessions of electro convulsive therapy and have been in and out of both short term and long term treatment centers, etc.

There have been a few years where I’ve been “functional” and thought I was on the way to recovery. I even had two years where I only needed one ssri and checkins every 6 months. A few months before lockdown started, my marriage fell apart due to a host of reasons such as my partner’s infidelity and their adamance on blaming me for their poor choices (they have since apologized and we are on okay terms. Still married because I need health insurance).

I was destroyed. I still feel irreparable. I shared my friend group with my spouse, so none of my (now our) friends want to get involved. Basically, I can spend time with them, but both my spouse and I are not allowed to talk about our marriage. My spouse has their childhood friend group to lean on, though. I’ve been slowly pulling away from my friends due to this. 

I worked with a therapist from December 2019-May 2021, but had to end our relationship. Basically, he tried to hospitalize me for suicide due to a misunderstanding (I was expressing fears of becoming suicidal, as I did have two attempts 8 years ago, but wasn’t currently). My psychiatrist had to step in to clear it up.

In April I started having extreme stomach ulcer symptoms. Since then, I’ve had several tests (endoscopy, biopsies, blood, urine, etc). All have come back clean. I ended up in the hospital two weeks ago because I couldn’t keep anything down for days and was extremely dehydrated. It was honestly almost as bad as when I got the noro virus years ago.

The doctors tell me it’s just anxiety. But I’ve only been able to keep down broth, rice, and crackers SINCE APRIL. I no longer work. I don’t even leave the house except for drs appointments. I’m not fit to drive a car, so my parents have been helping me. I get the feeling they’re starting to get caregiver fatigue.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. My current psych meds are Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Xanax. I’ve been on some form of this combo for 5 years. I’ve had bad side effects from a lot of other psych medications.

I am in the long process of applying for SSDI. Both my mental health team and lawyer feel positive it will *eventually* be awarded to me.

TL;DR
So, my questions are:
-What the fuck do I eat?
-Are there newer treatment options I should ask my psychiatrist about?
-If anyone has experienced something similar, I’d love to hear your story. Especially if you’ve found a way to relieve symptoms.
-Does anyone recommend any non mainstream/creative therapy solutions?

&lt;3