I’m still not sure if I have bpd myself or if I’ve just displayed it as a reflection/projection of my mother, although some characteristics do fit 100% now that I’m willing to own up to them (specifically, splitting, black and white thinking (although I think I’ve gotten this down to just the really heavy things that I am not accustomed to experiencing before because I don’t normally feel or act or think like this, but these deep revelations are bringing it out to the MAX). But ultimately, I’m finally able to see the shitty ways I treated people I cared about and cared about me, through projecting, caretaking projected issues (this one, ironically, I didn’t fully understand until MY projecting led me to come to an understanding, and then had this understanding with my friends and one of them started behaving the same as I had the first time around, unnecessary caretaking that you didn’t ask for but then they get frustrated that you aren’t “getting better”....oh my god I feel so stupid now. Oof), and then letting some small event fester into the culmination of the (in my case, friendship) eventually being unfixable due to my own deep down guilt and embarrassment over how stupid I was being, as I continued to dig myself deeper into this “explanation” as to why I was right. 
Well, now I’ve reached this point, and this means acknowledging ALL the times I’ve abandoned incredible friendships and in some cases caused serious emotional damage (although these cases tend to be people with issues of their own that prevent them from wanting to “talk it out”). Literally up until today, and unfortunately I will probably even continue to unintentionally. And being OVERLY remorseful when I’m in the wrong for something is also a toxic trait of mine. 
Also, on top of all of this, I realized that while I knew my mom would take my phone and night and read through my texts and act on this information, since I’ve been living back home with my parents as I get my career off the ground I have noticed a weird trend of messages sending really weirdly when I’m in the house...and realized she absolutely knew my iCloud password, and when we were on the same WiFi she could intercept messages...so now I don’t even know where to start with all of this. I don’t know how much of what I’ve said was actually seen (most times I very quickly hoped it wasn’t). I don’t know if she said anything herself, out of her fear of...a lot of things, but especially related to my relationships with men, for good and bad reasons. I’m starting to understand why certain conversations were SO frustrating, why I could never seem to get my best word in by the time I had processed everything....one situation in particular, I would get pretty good understandings of things based off of my own behaviors and would reflect in my very very best efforts to see all sides...and then would send them and they would send as though I was “blocked” (which maybe I was, probably honestly) although some would send and some wouldn’t which always weirded me out. 

ALSO, I’m realizing where my need to get wayyyy to close and personal into other people’s business as a way of caring for them comes from. Literally never saw how creepy I was most likely coming across to any normal person until it happened to me. 

so tl;dr I am accepting my flaws and mistakes in their entirety so I can grow from them, but it’s making me feel rly fucking weak and stupid and i literally have NO idea where to go from here.