How did I get to this point in my life? The point where I feel like I can no longer go on. The point where I want the world to stop so I can get off.
I feel like I'm stuck on this emotional rollercoaster and the controls are broken and I feel sick and frightened because no one is there to help so I just keep going up high, down low, speeding up and slowing down, it won't fucking stop. I'm screaming and crying, pleading desperately for help but there is no one. Just me. It's dark now, there's no light, it's gone and I don't think it's coming back anytime soon.
I feel my nose start to twitch, my eyes begin to well up, the tears flow down. All this anger and frustration built up inside me has now turned to sadness and guilt.
I want to start again.
I would do anything to start my life again. I want another shot at this. 29 years on this planet and I haven't achieved a single fucking thing.
I can't hold down a job, I struggle to maintain relationships.
I am unstable, I can't deny this but I am so deeply ashamed to admit it. I am frightened by my own thoughts. What does it want me to do next? Hurt myself? Tell a loved one to fuck off? Be an absolute selfish bitch? Remind myself again and again that I'm an unworthy useless human being that doesn't deserve to be loved, to be touched, to be held tight in someone's loving embrace.
I'm cold and any given attempt of offering me warmth I will push you away. Being so cold that I'm now numb is what I deserve or at least that's what I tell myself.
I loathe who I see in the mirror. Who the hell is this? Look at the state of it. Grose.
Go and put your make up on, sort your hair out and try and squeeze into your jeans that get tighter day by day because the only pleasure you get out of life now is gorging on food at night which will then result in putting more hatred upon yourself.
You need to starve yourself but you won't do it because you have no willpower. You're useless.
Damn, you really are doing so well at this aren't you.
Piece of shit.
Nobody likes you, why can't you just accept that and fuck off once and for all. Stop trying to seek attention online from strangers who wouldn't give a damn if you dropped dead tomorrow.
My mind will torture me every minute of every day until I can't take no more and become so irrational that thoughts go racing around 100mph and I can't breathe properly.
What shall I do? Take an overdose? Cut myself? Pack my bags and go? Scream? Cry?
I WANT HELP! ANYONE, SOMEONE, PLEASE!!! I can't cope like this much longer. I am trapped in this body that I can never escape from.
I hope and pray that one day I can turn this all around. I want to be the best mother and partner I can be. I need support but so do they, from me! I want my friends to know that deep down I care but right now I physically dread leaving the house. I don't feel good enough to be in someone else's company because I have nothing to offer.
All this hatred towards myself needs to stop but I don't know how to.
Once upon a time I was a beautiful innocent little girl and now I'm just one big messed up, damaged adult that has become so depressed that I'm supposed to accept that something so little such as having a bath or doing a food shop is an achievement.
That actually kills me inside.
I had dreams and aspirations. I still dream now of what I could have been and how successful I could have become but instead I threw all of that away. I wanted a career, I wanted to travel the world. Go to parties and gigs. Learn to play the piano and guitar. Perhaps become a singer.
People will tell you it's never too late but in my eyes it is. Why? Because mentally I am too exhausted to contemplate even doing one of those things.
I can't focus, my concentration levels are so low now.
For now I will carry on getting up each day, feeling like a burden to those around me.