I'm not so sure about this but I thought maybe I could find some folks here who may have gone trough something similar. I'm 19 btw so yeah haven't lived much yet.

I'm in doubt because my life has been relatively pretty easy. I have a roof over my head and I have people around me who care about me. Still, I feel nothing. I don't know how to describe it. I tend to distract mysefl from thinking to much because that train of thought never ends well. I've finished highschool more that a year ago and I'm trying to do something with my life but I don't have the motivation I used to years ago nither the energy. U know, feeling like this does make me feel incredibly guilty because I have a lot of people who count on me and need me, my little sisters need a good older sister, my best friend deserves a good friend, my dad a good daughter. But i feel like I can't be any of those things. Logically thinking I know those are ideals that iI'm trying to fullfil and that i don't need to be any of those things to deserve love but, that doens't keep the bad feeling away. When I'm with people It feels like I'm an actor in a play. I'm not really there. Life for the past years has felt like a current in which no matter how hard I try to swim, my body just wants to let go. I've thought about suicide multiple times but I feel like I would be betraying the people around me and the last thing I want is to harm them more. I know what I need to do, the steps. Study, get a job, be a good person. But I can't? It makes me jelous seeing other people doing people stuff so naturally. And It also makes me pity miself for not being able to do simple things when other people are living in very difficult situations and are still able to go though with it. Recently, I have gone to a pshyquatrist cosult because going out of my home has become quite hard and they told me I have anxiety and just prescrived my with clonazepam and that's it. How do I get out of here now? Haha. Still, I see all of these from a logical perspective so I wouldn't do anything sudden. I just want to feel like a person again? Does depression also afect my concentration or maybe It has something to do with ADHD? Sorry for the long post TwT