For background context, I’m an only child (I’m in my early twenties now). I have suffered from BPD for as long as I can remember. I’m incredibly close to my parents. My mother is incredibly loving - it’s just my father who was quite toxic however I believe he also has BPD (given to him and to me by my fraternal grandmother) so I’m still forgiving him. I’ve always been extremely sensitive and lately, have tried to cope by throwing myself into work and binge watching shows, etc. I have even started driving lessons. What really prevents me from living my life happily is the fear of losing my parents.

I absolutely know abandonment is a main symptom of BPD and I have had it with my ex boyfriends however it’s so bad with my parents to the point I cry nonstop whenever I set foot into their house. I see them smiling and the way they’ve set the table so wonderfully for my arrival and yet, that makes me cry even more. I cry because I’m an only child, that I have disappointed them immensely (due to my past with alcoholism, etc.) and that any day now, I could lose these two people whom I love most in the world to some crazy terror attack or a horrible disease. While it feels good to let the tears out, I cry even more after out of guilt because I’ve spent all our quality time crying and worrying instead of enjoying it. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried mindfulness, talking to friends and other relatives, scrolling through this subreddit everyday. Even a therapist.

While my parents have and are still supporting, they have been under a lot of stress with work and other factors and because they’ve actually been hospitalised at one point due to stress caused by my past, I’m so scared I’ve done irreversible damage to their health by worrying them lately and my biggest fears will come true.

I’m sorry this is so long but I really hope someone can offer advice. I just want to stop constantly worrying and crying about losing them (especially in front of them).

Thank you.