I(18F) have been a trainwreck the past 3 years, ever since the pandemic started. I dealt with grief when my dad lost his battle to cancer way back in 2020, my baby niece followed shortly a month later. It was very traumatic for me and the only thing that would help me go to sleep is knowing that they're not suffering anymore. But whenever I'm alone with my thoughts, memories of my dad come flashing back like crazy and I would cry everytime I think of him.

Anyway, I had to endure 2 years of online classes (11th and 12th grade) and all I could say was that I never really learned that much. I started slacking off the first month of school yknow, I had good grades because I relied on google till the end of 12th grade. It felt like those years were wasted and I don't even remember that much because it was an endless cycle of staring at my computer for day's end. I had two whole years of deciding what to do with my life after high school. But it felt like I wasted that too. Like I was deadset on wanting to be a forensics scientist but I just realized I didn't want that. 

Now, come college admissions. I only applied at two schools. My first choice and my safety choice. My first choice of college was my dream school, my first priority school (the same school I went to in my 11th and 12th grade). My safety school was quite literally an impulsive decision of filling up the needed information to get in that university. I got in my safety school with forensics as my course choice. Although I'm pretty sure the offer's already over because I haven't replied to them for months now because I was waiting for my priority school. Now come my prio school. I have been waiting for the results of the admissions for months now and I just got it last week and found out that I'm qualified for both the courses I applied in that school because I got a pretty decent score. Here's the downside though. Months ago, I chose to put in Marine Biology as my first course and Microbiology as my second course, took the admissions exam and forgot all about it. I realized again that Marine Biology isn't meant for me because I don't think the Philippines is a better fit for the course and I don't really want to go abroad. I now preferred my 2nd course which was microbiology. I just received the email today that I need to confirm whether or not I will be in Marine Bio.

I asked my sister who was in 3rd year college on what I should do. She told me to email the school and ask for the available slots in microbio, I did that but I couldn't wait because there were limited slots per course and it was first come first serve. I thought to myself, "the longer I wait for a reply that would probably never come, the farther chance I'd be reserved for the slot." 

So I declined my spot in Marine Bio. I put back microbio as the alternative, got waitlisted for my second choice(which sucks because what's the point of putting a second choice in the first place if you're only gonna get waitlisted). Another college friend told me that I should have asked him what to do because he was gonna tell me to accept Marine Bio to secure the slot and ask the school to shift to Microbio.

 I'm freaking out like crazy. I've been puking like crazy. My anxiety is heightened. I feel lightheaded and I really want to cry so bad my eyes will pop. This is the only school I have and I felt like I'm gonna waste my dream school because I made a rash decision of declining the course I put in months ago. I don't know what to do if I don't get in. I just want the ground to swallow me if that happens.

p.s. I haven't told my mom about this because I'm scared because she's gonna blame it on my indecisiveness

TL:DR 
I feel like I want to go kms because I declined the course I got offered to in college and am now waitlisted for the other course i chose to in the same university.