I *can't* feel. One of my best friends just killed himself and I didn't cry. I was shocked for a second, then I ran outside and isolated myself waiting for a flood of emotions to come. I was *hoping* for them to come. That's the worst part. I wasn't expecting them to come, and they didn't. My long contemplated fears were confirmed, and I realised that I couldn't even feel anything. Now I'm sure that my feelings have been faked for half of my life. Something broke in me when I was a preteen and I was never the same again.

Now that I understand just how non-existant my emotions are, I'm reflecting on everything in the past 7 years of my life. I literally walked the hallways like this. I went to classes and took notes like this. I ate like this. I "laughed" like this. I talked to people and made "friends" like this. I got scolded like this. I did sports like this. I discussed my future with a guidance counselor like this. I forced myself to be energetic when it was time to put on my strong and athletic persona. I faked being inspired when I attended assemblies with comedians and Columbine survivors. I went to national museums, parks, cities, other states like this. I went to fucking Disney Land and Orlando like this.

I don't remember the last time I was "overwhelmed" with emotion. I'm blank faced and numb right now as I'm typing this. I don't even know who I am. I can't believe I'm human. I feel like my humanity was stolen by some vengeful Greek God.

Now I'm expected to live my life like bob and joe. I'm 18 and I somehow graduated highschool. I'm driving myself to community college because fuck my non-existant feelings, I have to. I'm already getting emails to transfer to a 4 year university and I don't even know my academic standing because I don't give a fuck to check.

And to top it all off I'm going to be labeled as a monster whether I think I am one myself or not. Since I  evidently don't have any goddamn emotions to share or channel with others there's no way I'm going to be able to connect with people. I don't even think I should go to his (my friend's) wake or funeral, because the consequences could be so bad I would be demonized by my entire community.

This is all bullshit, and I'm not even gonna pretend anymore. Fuck my life and everything on this planet. Maybe this is my destiny. I can't really feel the pain of shame and guilt. I don't have much of a reason to live, but I have no desire to end anything by killing myself. Should I just disappear? Move halfway across the country and effectively change my identity? Is that even worth my time and financial investment? I won't claim it would make others' lives easier but I doubt it will change anything in the long run.