So I will start by saying I'm off my meds. I'm 36F/ stay at home mom. While my husband was between jobs, I tapered my medication down because I anticipated not being able to afford them. I was okay with it cause I haven't felt happy in years. I got complicit with my treatment, and really it only helped control my mania. I didn't like my doctor either. The plan is to start with a new doctor from ground zero when insurance kicks in. 


Before I stopped my medication though, my depression was very severe. It's been pretty severe since I had my first child who is now five. My second child I had postpartum depression, and didn't really have the financial means to see the doctor enough to get the right medication. I will admit that I let a lot of things in my home slide because of my depression, specifically chores. My husband and I both had difficulty adjusting to having children, as I believe many couples do. We've had big fights about 2-3 times a year about how he doesn't think I contribute enough. It always ends with him telling me a list of things about what a horrible person I am. Ultimately he tells me he doesn't think I love him. 


My kids are well fed, well mannered, and happy!! I may struggle but my kids don't suffer for it besides a cluttered home. Husband and I had a big blowup a month and a half ago. He told me again, that he doesn't think I love him. It's always when we're fighting, and it's so cruel. Always followed by telling me every standard I don't meet. 
I love my husband. I don't want to feel like I need to defend that. But being told repeatedly, by the person you love, that they don't believe you feel that way is so jarring. Like I don't think I could ever be good enough for him to make him feel loved. I think if I got some proper help, then maybe. In the meantime we are fighting so much! I feel like being told this so much is making me lose my love for him. Being told that what I offer is not good enough. If he feels that way about me, is it fair to him to stay in this marriage? I don't want to the source of his unhappiness and it seems that's all I am. All he did while he was home from work was go on about he could be a single dad no problem. So my existence serves no purpose in his mind? I wanna call the suicide hotline. I would never do that because I would never pass any of this kind of pain onto my kids but at the same time... 
I'm wishing I never had them so I could just end my life without any guilt. How do I deal with these feeling with my husband? He is so cold to me that I can't even exist in the same house with him without crying.