Im in my twenties still living at home and I literally can't work a job and no one understands or believes me my parents call me lazy but I really just can't and trust me I feel the most stupid. Last time I worked, on the way one morning I almost rammed my car into the wall of the freeway. I had to stop driving and talk myself down and then I quit my job. Since that moment Ive been terrified to work again. I don't want to be pushed to that point again. I feel like when I'm that stressed out, I have no control over myself. I'm afraid of not being in control of myself and dying. But since being unemployed, I feel like I'm in that position every day of no control and close to death.

There's things that I want to do but I literally can't. I'm just throwing money I saved up away, and the money my parents are spending on me to live, away. 

I feel like the least I could do even with no job or contribution and only time on my hands is to be a nice helpful person. But I fail even at that.

My biggest fear is hurting others or being a bother or taking up space and I feel like I've done that too much already and I can't make up for it and my existence is already a hurtful one to the world around me. When I try to do anything, I fail. I'm just terrified of losing things AND of gaining things and I feel so much pressure with anything. I'm scared of everything. Literally everything. Everything about life. And dying.

I'm scared of myself and my existence and the pressure. I can't even waste away the way I feel like doing sometimes. I feel like people, out there in the world somewhere, if they knew about me, they'd think I deserve to die because of how much of a coward and a mentally ill fuck up I am. How much I suck at being a human being. I feel like I'm being judged constantly. 

I can't even explain all of it.