I don’t remember when or even how all of this started. All I know is that I want to get better but I’m struggling to actually seek for the resources to get better. My days feel as though they’re being morphed into one. 

I sleep. I wake. I eat. I stay on my phone. I sleep. I wake. I sleep. And I wake.

I haven’t washed my hair in 5 weeks, I brush my teeth once a day just to keep them on my mouth, I stopped cleaning my room months ago and I can’t remember last time I went to school. 
I never go outside unless my boyfriend wants to hang out, I only make efforts for him. I’m scared he’ll leave me. Nobody wants to date someone who behaves like this, someone like me. 
Every time I look in the mirror I seem to criticize everything I see, my hands, my waist, my face, my skin, anything that composes all that I am.
I have no energy to look for a job and I’m scared that when I do I’ll struggle to do the tasks asked.
I don’t enjoy the hobbies I used to have like writing and reading poetry for example.
I feel myself getting worse everyday that goes by and the worst part about it is that I can’t stop it. 
I’m suffocated by everything and overwhelmed by any emotion I feel. I seem to struggle to find happiness in anything in life. I used to be the smiliest person I knew. I used to take pride into how much compassion and empathy I feel for others like it was my biggest quality but lately that’s just been making everything even harder.
I have so much social anxiety built up inside of me that I physically can’t bring myself to talk to new people.

My mental state has been preventing me from living, right now, it just feels like I’m surviving. Living and surviving have never been the same thing. Trust me, I feel the difference. I know that I need to find help with a professional but I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll never get better and that I’ll be judged by everything I’m going through. Writing this is a big step for me. Considering I’ve had this text written in my notes for 3 months now. Posting this, I’m hoping I will *at least* ease my fear of being judged. 

I wanna get better. I wanna live again. I don’t know where to start. So here I am.

In case anyone made it this far: thanks for reading this.