...and I both hate and like it that way. I'm the poster child for apparent competence. If. I killed myself, 95 percent of people would be dumbfounded. 

I don't mean to brag for this first parts...bear with me. On one hand, I'm pretty capable in some areas. I earned an MA at 23 with my BA ...with near perfect grades and what was a fairly impressive CV at the time. I've taught for most of six years...and am fairly good at it.  I graduated with the highest grades in my department. I am most of the way through a second MA (this one in counseling). When my friends were struggling with internships for our counseling degrees, I was accepted to a fairly competitive placement through the only interview I attended (despite having applied late and having very little clinical experience). In any academic setting, I've always found myself at the top of the class and in some leadership position. 

I have a large circle of friends, most of whom I've known for 10+ years. In fact, 
I've always been the "therapist" of the group (the one who people call if they need to vent/need support). My family has used me this way too--since I was about 7.  People say I'm extremely social/bubbly, very genuine, and "always happy."


On the other hand, I've never had a romantic relationship (I've been on two dates my whole life), I'm 150 pounds overweight !!!, I am financially dependent on my parents (living with them, in fact), and I've never held a full time job even though I'm 29 years old. On top of that I struggle with BPD, bipolar 2, PMDD, and binge eating disorder. My mind is absolute chaos most of the time. I believe everyone hates me and find it hard to open up to and trust anyone. I spend all of my life talking back to my paranoid and irrational thoughts (although I fail 70% of the time). I fall apart and binge whenever I'm alone. I was hospitalized 3 times in 3 years in my early 20s. I've attempted suicide at least 3 times. I haven't had one day ever since I was a child when I haven't considered suicide. It takes every ounce of energy to get through the day...and I fall apart the moment I'm done. I daydream maladaptively and spend the vast majority of my life in a fantasy world. I have weeks when I become crippled with avoidance and am unable to function. I seriously spend two-three days a week daydreaming, binge eating and sleeping because I can't handle reality. 

The only people who believe I have serious issues are my psychopharmacologist and my therapist. My therapist keeps telling me that I have severe mental health issues and that I still don't seem to fully grasp the gravity of my disability. My psychopharmacologist doesn't seem to understand why I have so much trouble sticking to the most basic of routines. 

The discrepancy in my ability to function across various domains of my life is  so dramatic that I get whiplash sometimes. Does anyone else feel like this? (Sorry for the rant...)