My FP has been gone for a while, a little over a month now. He finally completely blocked me for good on everything as of yesterday. I did so many things wrong and it's my fault he's gone but I still feel angry at him even though I hurt him more than he ever did me.

He told me one day he'll come back and find me because he still cared about me, but it's honestly getting too hard to go on when I still love him more than anything. Nothing helps me not think about him anymore and I think about ending my life every single day. I'm not sure how to make it through this, and thinking about how he may be lying to me anyways and I'll probably never see him again. I'm ready not even sure it's worth being alive anymore at this point because I drove everyone close to me away. 

How do you find meaning when you chase everyone who cares about you away because they don't understand what it's like having this illness?