Trigger warning: mentions of suicide attempts

I came out of a psychward just over three weeks ago, where I stayed for just under 2 weeks. I met someone there and we became friends and have been seeing each other ever since. They’re great and they also have BPD. However, they have been in and out of hospital for years. I’ve only been in inpatient four times since April, but two times were in an open ward. Ive never been inpatient before then. Or even hospital for my mental health for that matter.

They had a very serious attempt that lead them into hospital, and have had many in the past. I am so glad they’re here but at the same time, I’ve been having urges to have attempts like theirs. To be in hospital a lot like them. I don’t even want to, but it feels so weirdly competitive in my mind. I know I probably sound so selfish thinking of myself in times like these. 

I want to stay their friend. I’ve been trying to get treatment and an accurate diagnosis (I’m misdiagnosed with depression currently but I’ve been having manic episodes which last 4+ days for over a year) but with the NHS mh system, it’s been difficult. I lost my social worker and it’s over two weeks until my next appointment. I’m just not doing well. I’ve been off my meds for two weeks now and my doctor hasn’t gotten back to me about getting me a prescription.

Td;lr: my friend has had serious suicide attempts and I feel the urge to replicate their attempts. Been off my meds for two weeks.