About a year ago, I moved to a city (around 2.5 h from home with public transport) to study.

Before actually moving there, I remember, I was so hyped for finally being able to live by myself/not with my family, that I couldn't sleep for 3 weeks prior to moving out. It was like a new chapter beginning in my life.

I moved to a student dorm, single room. I was just so excited, I can't even phrase it in words. Also little scared but it wasn't that bad.

A few days into it, I became depressed. My first time, I stayed there for about 1.5 months. And I was at a really big low. Going to uni helped a bit. But other than that, I became really depressed. I couldn't tell why. Which is also why I decided to go home for a few days. Like magic, I suddenly was happier again!

A few months into it, this pattern repeated, only that I've only stayed like 2 weeks always before going home again. More months into it, this decreased down to 1 week or just a few days.

I've been noticing that it was because I was alone, and felt very lonely. I've thought about suicide several times. Every day felt the same. It wasn't just being bored. If it was, then I would do something else, and I wouldn't be bored anymore. But nothing that usually makes fun excited me. I was staying in the room, mostly in bed, looking at the floor, and thinking what to do, sometimes thinking about suicide too. The days felt sooo long, and every day was exhausting.

I couldn't meet people often, also socializing became really exhausting. The only thing that made me (a bit) happy there was being at uni, but right after uni ended, I became sad again.

Well, I decided there must be a change. So that's why I recently moved into a shared apartment. The people there a really nice and it's a really good apartment. While that's all good and I have more time with other people... I've noticed something again. The unhappy feeling was there again. 

I see other people being happy, without problems. I like it here, I like the people, and all. But I'm just not happy. I'm not just "not happy", I feel depressed. If I wasn't depressed, I wouldn't constantly be thinking about it.

And I just don't know what it is I could do, to make me just happy. I do take anti depressants, but they show only little effect.

I... just want to live, not at home, and... just live. Not always be depressed. I have so many things I want to do, yet my depression always keeps me from those things.

Maybe it's because I don't feel home here. I don't know what would make me feel home. I've thought of having a partner, maybe that would help me, but I don't want to be unhappy if I have a partner. Also, it's not always like that. Sometimes I feel very happy and feel at home, but often just not.

Can please someone tell me how I could figure out what exactly makes me depressed and what I could do to overcome it?