I have BPD, but not as severe as my ex has it. 

I still struggle with our break up; it was sudden, came out of nowhere, and most people (including me) feel as if it was over nothing. That’s not to say that it was nothing to my ex, but even she acknowledged/admitted that she sabotages things. 

We had gone to her family’s house. On the way there, she perceived me to be in a “bad” mood. I wasn’t, but she was susceptible to mood/facial expressions. She got angrier and angrier on the way there, which in turn made me more anxious, which made her angrier. 

Once we arrived, someone asked her how the journey had been. It was then that she erupted into anger and ranted about me to those who were present. No one said anything, neither did I. Suddenly she turned to me and told me to get out, that I was making her angrier just by being there. So I left. 

Within an hour she broke up with me, citing that she couldn’t come back from that, and that I’d disrespected her and her family. She then stopped speaking to me and avoided me in person and through messaging, after saying we could be friends. I saw her three times in person and she was looking at me each time, but not engaging with me.

I still don’t quite know what the reason for all of that was, or why she decided to end things. I don’t understand the reason for the silence, after stating we could be friends, either. It feels very confusing to me. 

Maybe she broke up with me because she thought I’d break up with her after that outburst? Or because she realised that her symptoms were too much, so thought it best? Maybe it was an intentional sabotage? She had been being so loving and our relationship was the best it had ever been up until that point, which is why I think it’s stayed with me. 

I want to reach out to her, but I’m terrified to do so. I don’t want to be ignored or rejected, but at the same time my feelings are still very much there, and it feels strange to think that this is “it”. I’ve had other relationships, much longer than this one, where I’ve just moved on - this just feels different. 

I wonder if anyone here with experience of anger outbursts or sabotaging behaviours can offer any insight into this break up or the disappearing she did?