	I don't know how to exactly start this, it'll be a long one that is for sure. I apologize if it is rambling, but I'm just wanting to vent. 

	I am a 23 year old male who is about to start college in a few months. 

	I've always had mood swings, often very severe. At the very worst, I have been suicidal and I have attempted \(though half hearted on both counts\) to kill myself. 

	The first attempt was following a break up between an ex\-girlfriend. I feel consumed by this black, dark emptiness that seemed to hollow me out and strip me away into nothingness. I felt like I was going to kill myself because no one would love me or care about me and therefore give a shit if I offed myself. I chambered a round into a pistol and sat there, in silence, trying to force myself to go through with it and do what I had to do. For some reason I hesitated and was distracted by a coworker asking me for something. I survived that day, unfortunately. 

	The second attempt, was a half\-hearted attempt at driving in front of a train in my city, only to be off with the timing. Instead of driving in front of it and beating the crossing bars, I was instead roughly 100 feet away from the moving train and the bars came down early. I sped through the train crossing missing my chance. I just drove away and said to myself with a sigh "I guess I'll live today."

	I feel like I must cling to people. I hate being abandoned, the thought of a loved one or close friend leaving me strikes not only fear into my being, it evokes deep, intense suffering. I'll often be doting and smothering in a way because it makes me feel like they will like me. 

	I get obsessive, and when I meet someone that seems to take an interest in my life and my hobbies, personality, etc, I latch on to them. I dated two people for one month periods at a time and my life seemed to wrap around them. The first one ghosted me after \(can't confirm\) he seemed freaked out by serious relationships and I blew up his phone with texts and phone calls. On one occasion, I arrived at his house and asked to speak to him \(he wasn't there\). I would later think about breaking into his home and watching him sleep, or at the very worst, shooting him in his work place, in a "if I can't have you.." fashion. The second one wasn't as dramatic, but I was still as obsessed. I can never make a relationship last more then a year, that one being the one that preceded my first suicide attempt. I have to have a  relationship that has lasted more then a year, that one in specific of which I broke up preceding the first suicide attempt.

	I feel empty a lot and there fore seek companionship to fill in that void. When I feel lonely, I slide into dark depression and in some cases suicidal ideation. The other day driving to work, I was speeding and gripped by an urge to accelerate into a barrier at high speed and end my suffering. 

	I'll get this violent, disturbing dreams that will no doubt freak other people out. Graphic murders, dismemberment, a rape or two, all with plenty of blood spilled. The most graphic one would be of me decapitating two burglars, one of them still alive while I was doing it.

	I have received psychiatric help in the past, I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager, and I recently went to a doctor after the first suicide attempt and was given a prescription and told that I had a "chemical imbalance." I know it's worse then that.

This is a re upload since for whatever reason, the format is absolutely ugly and barely readable the first time, or Reddit would post it in an account that I don't even have access to, so if this is repetitive, I'm sorry. 

TL;DR \- I have severe mental issues and am seeking help.