So basically I have Severe TRD. My psychs have basically given up rxing me meds (which tbh I'm medication intolerant so I am thankful). I did ECT once in 2019 and had a great experience and little side effects. I did ECT in 2022 and was dazed/confused and delirious. Severe memory loss. I thought the staff had a court order on me in my confusion, and I once tried to deny consent and they kind of did the procedure anyways. 

So I quit ECT even after lots of gaslighting. I was having anxiety/agitation to a very severe end and the psychiatrist would not help me. 

Since then, I've been having VERY severe panic attacks. They wake me up out of my sleep. They happen during the day. Usually they're triggered by something obvious but lately I just get a deleting of dread. Extreme feeling of dread. And I feel like I'm dying. I am on gabapentine and visteril. But the gabapentine only takes the anxiety from a 10 to like a 7. I had suicidal thoughts over it during ECT which is why I stopped. I would get a severe panic attack thinking about doing it, but now they just hit me out of nowhere. 

It hasn't happened in public yet. It's happened in front of a few in my friends. It happened in front of my boyfriend. It's a little funny and embarrassing but I was laughing and giddy over wordle in a phone call because I couldn't figure out how to use it, ten minutes later, I was crying and telling him to make it stop, begging.

It really fucking sucks because I want to get a job and get my life together but I don't think I can if I can just start crying and sometimes even screaming out of nowhere. 

I started TMS so my depression is way better. But I'm very, very, stressed and frustrated.