I was finally having a good week.  I finally started getting out of bed, showering regularly, eating better, tiptoeing my way back into the gym, stopped drinking completely (on day 13)... and my ex contacted me a few days ago.

We were in a relationship for 2.5 years, but my angry/drunken outbursts, dysfunction and chaos were too much too handle.  I wasn’t the only one to blame in the relationship, of course.  But I definitely was the extreme one.  I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist last year, but it still continued, until I got my BPD diagnosis is December.  It was a little too late, we had already broken up a couple months before.

I had to block him because he kept contacting me telling me how much he loves me and misses me, but the conversation would never lead toward any kind of reconciliation.  I literally spent the last three months in uncontrollable tears and deep depression to the point that I wasn’t getting out of bed, showering, eating, going to work.  And he would dangle a carrot in front of me here and there.  And me, still in love, went for it, apologizing, practically begging, until it just hurt me so much that I couldn’t take the rejection and abandonment anymore.  I blocked him on my iPhone, and weeks later I’d find iMessages that would come through on my MacBook.  I wish I hadn’t seen them.

Last week, He told me that he loves and misses me so much and always thinks about me and looks at our pictures.  I responded telling him that I feel the same way.  Yesterday, I messaged him and told him how truly sorry I was for the way that I’ve acted, and I put myself out there again— heart on my sleeve . He said he was still in love with me but is happier now, and that it always ends up the same.

I tried to explain my BPD but I don’t think he really believes/understands it.  I’m starting DBT in two weeks... I spent 4-5 hours crying yesterday and woke up crying this morning.  I feel so broken hearted and angry.  My chest really hurts, my heart hurts.  Every time I think there’s no more tears to be cried, here they come full force.

I can’t function like this.  I feel paralyzed and at the same time feel like imploding...