I just want to get this off my chest because one of the aspects of BPD that hits me most is the fear of abandonment. 

My gf and I live 3hr apart and only get to see each other on the weekends. Texting, snapping, messaging, skyping before bed etc are essential parts of out communication during the weekdays when we are separate. 

These last couple days, she had been unexceptionally busy with work and it has been very stressful for her. Understandably, she hasn’t been able give me much attention. 

However, I can’t get over the feelings of abandonment and betrayal. These are so basic/petty things but I wanna get them off my chest:

-	I call her every morning before work, when I called last 2 days, she got angry at me for calling so early (the usual hour) 
-	Her voice sounded irritable and she was in no mood for talking, so we kept it short
-	She didn’t say the usual “i love you, i miss you” when we were hanging up
-	She’d usually send snaps throughout the day, sharing what she is doing (I do too, we like doing this to keep each other in the loop with our lives). However, she barely sent any. 
-	She would never leave messages on “read” or snaps on “opened”, she’d always respond with something, no matter how short. However, she has left almost all my messages/snaps on read with no response for hours
-	When I said “it only takes 5sec to respond”, she said she was busy (not busy enough to look them and watch a 20dec video I sent, no???). A simple response like “cute/looks nice/awesome, etc” would have sufficed, you know? It takes 5 secs to type that
-	Since I go to sleep earlier than her for work, I’d call her/text goodnight. She neither picked up or said anything back the other night

Ok here, I wrote down everything that has been bothering me. So petty, eh? I feel like a 14 y.o teenage girl (I’m a guy pushing 30 for fucks sake). 

We’re supposed to hangout this weekend and celebrate halloween but I just can’t get over the feeling of betrayel and abandonment. I just despise this situation so much I don’t even wanna think about her. It’s all black and white right now. “Oh the girl you possibly wanna marry was busy and couldn’t talk to you like the usual? She must be literally Hitler” I almost feel hatred. 

I hate this part of BPD, idealization and devaluation. She means the world to me but right now I’m just disgusted by the thought of seeing her. 

Off my chest. 

Edit: She’s so fricking annoying me right now. I was at the gym when she went out to get liquor. She didn’t get me any since I didn’t pick up her call from the store, cuz didn’t know what I’d want. I just asked her if she can drive me to the store, nope she doesn’t want to cuz she wants to go home straight away. I said there is one a few blocks away from her house, her sassy ass response is “I know there is like 4 but I’m not taking you”. Jerk, would 4min be too much of your time? 

I need a reality check because I cannot tell if she is being a prick or I’m extremely sensitive with anything. 