Im really struggling with my identity again. I think a large component of it is really that my family is relatively conservative in their views compared to me. I'm the youngest daughter/golden child/closeted bisexual in my dysfunctional ass family and its really thrown me for a loop growing up. I completely adopted a seperate identity to please my family who have always put me on a pedestal.

 THIS IS A TW RIGHT NOW FOR TOXIC FAMILIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE LEAVE RN IF THIS WILL TRIGGER YOU.


 growing up I watched my older brother get hit all the time and I never got even remotely the same intensity of shot that he did but my parents are still very hard on me and constantly say that I should be thankful for the bare scraps im bring given because compared to what my brother got its A LOT. Anyway, growing up and seeing that quickly taught me that my parents were something to be feared and that they were not reliable for anything other than food, water, shelter, etc.
I learned to never fall out of line because if you did you'd get hurt and so as I grew I completely lost who I really was and somehow also got stuck with the golden child role in my family which ducked because I think my brother still resents me deep down for getting better than he did. It makes me feel alone because I saw the injustice and scary stuff at as young as 3/4 years old and I was too young and afraid to ever do anything about it until I got older. 

My dad made a small comment today about how my phone wallpaper had skulls on it and literally asked me if I was in a cult or becoming goth and said that I should listen to him and get rid of it like he said because it wasn't something nice girls would have as their phone wallpaper. For some reason that made me lose it internally. I feel so frustrated, stuck, and lost again. I don't know who I am and I'm so sick and tired of having to keep up this fake persona around my family just so I don't have to be in an emotionally unsafe environment. I just feel like a doll thats being played with all the time and I have no control over anything. My sexuality is really making it worse because its such a huge aspect of myself to be honest that I've suppressed and kept under wraps since I was like 8/9 and my parents are homophobic. Its just so frustrating because I can't be myself because for so long I've stunted any kind of natural identity exploration and now I'm just stuck between being this awkward cookie cutter girl for my scary ass family that I'm still dependant on and not strong enough to get away from (I know that sounds weak okay I get it but I'm genuinely afraid of them) and being who I really am - WHICH I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I AM ANYMORE. My natural identity has been shoved down so far I have no idea who I am.

Im so sick of this please for the love of God give me your best advice because I'm struggling sososooo bad and usually when I'm struggling with my identity + sexuality I can revert to negative coping mechanisms to dull the fact that I'll be forcing myself even more to fit into my life, family, neighborhood, etc. I get this insatiable feeling of needing to escape or have something to get me through my fake ass day.