I know that people with BPD have success stories, and i’m sure a lot of you have found a way to cope, but I honestly feel like this is continuously going to ruin my life. I have absolutely no one, and it’s all my fault. I can pinpoint the things that go wrong, but no matter how much I try to change them, the patterns keep recurring.

I actively pursue bad people, and then purposely ignore the red flags. This ends with me getting hurt by their actions. Sometimes i’m able to cut ties and leave, but i’m left with a lingering sadness for months afterwards, because I miss the dynamic of whatever relationship i’d built with them. Other times, I find myself in situations that I can’t escape without taking drastic measures.

On the rare occasion that I manage to find a good person, I become so stupidly obsessed with them that I end up pushing them away. I either assume they’ll leave and put up an abusive defence mechanism, or I become so clingy that they can’t cope and leave on their own accord. 

I struggle with promiscuity and hyper sexuality, so I often confuse the lines between wanting friends and wanting someone to shower me with attention. It’s as if I don’t feel good about myself unless someone wants me. This creates a lot of issues, as I switch drastically between “why don’t you want to have sex with me?” and “why do you only want me for sex?”

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried making friends in person, through apps, through subreddits, but I always struggle due to the points mentioned above. I’m so fucking lonely, and it’s making me miserable. I don’t know if i’m looking for advice, or if i’m just looking to get my thoughts out into the open.