I have had a huge problem lately and I think it's a combination of depression and anxiety.

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First of all back in March 2019 I quit anti-depressants and started trying to lose weight. I weighed 280 lbs at the time and I got down to 155 lbs. I exercised and controlled my eating quite a bit and even got quite a bit of energy back and started working and all that where as for years I just ate, sat around, goofed off etc.

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However the last few months I've been struggling. I've been alternating fasting and eating but when I do eat I go way overboard I eat way way too much and although I walk a lot I don't walk near enough to burn off what I eat in fact I've been finding it hard to even fast at all lately and I can easily put away 3000 or so calories in 20 minutes and then I feel terrible and awful and upset after. Somedays I'll take lots of fat burners and fast and then feel terrible in a different way. It's just a no win situation. I've gained back 25 lbs the last three months. I'm back up to 180 lbs maybe 172 if I fast and take fat burners but up to 185 at most. I'm at 172 when I've fasted and just had water, unsweetened black tea, and black coffee without any sweetener or sugar in it not even any zero calorie stuff. So tired of this but I try to limit myself to 2000 calories even during just one meal and I feel like it satisfies me for an hour or maybe two but after that i'm hungry and unsatisfied and probably just even more ticked off that I've eaten and didn't fast completely.

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I have just felt so uninterested in anything lately. I avoid my roommate and social situations and go straight to my room and just mess around on my computer but it all feels flat. I don't feel any joy. I just feel so bland and blah and flat. I used to enjoy youtube and movies and music and games and etc. but now I feel maybe between a 3 and a 6 on the scale. I feel just not interested in anything. I'm not suicidal at all nor do I even want to injure myself let alone suicide but I just feel very very blah. 3 is what I'd consider where you feel like very very down and terrible but not wanting to self-harm or commit suicide I've never felt that and to me that would be a 2 or 1 and a half out of 10.

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I also fret over volume constantly too as in decibels for the ears. I always am fretting that the slightest loud noise is going to damage my hearing more I have just shy of what would start to be considered "mild hearing loss" according to ent and audiologists but I know it's worse then that I have a -15db hearing loss on average. I wear $70 bluetooth hearing protectors when I walk because I don't like earbuds even though in ears would block noise more but I don't like the way they feel I just do not like them. I'm even considering spending $100 on a pair of Peltor Tactical Sport 500 because they apparently block three more decibels then the worktunes I bought do and sound a bit better but it's the slightly better noise dampening that I am concerned about. But like I said at volumes I consider not worrying music doesn't sound good and even when I listen at around 75 or so decibels in which I still fret I'm damaging my hearing music still doesn't entertain me very well. I can't remember anything. My brain is messed up. Sure I did DXM for 12 years and stuff but I've been sober since December 20 2018.

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I get distracted very easily and I just browse random stuff online webpages/videos/music/etc. but I can't really remember anything of it and I just have had really bad memory problems lately. I just can't focus, can't remember, can't enjoy, can't relax, walk while feeling like crap, worry about my weight, overeat and then fast to mitigate the weight gain and I just am so sick and tired of this. I mean I am just fed up. Just feel like a robot that had a very very primitive feeling processor installed in it just to be able to feel the slightest bits of joy and annoyance. 

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Also:...

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Problems I've been having lately: The depression is just tearing at me and the flatness and lack of interest in things I used to like I can not go to the doctor until I lose some more weight and I do not want anti-depressants because I'm worried they will make me gain some more weight and mess with my appetite but that would be a great thing in one thing.

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1. I don't know any ways to help with or how to stop looking at porn, masturbating, and orgasming. I have never made it more than nine days without jerking off. Lately it's been every day or two. I know quitting porn and especially jerking off would help with depression and energy but I just can't I don't know what to do.

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2. I really have a weight problem. I was 280 lbs but I got down to 155 lbs back in October. However after going to Vegas I have gained 20 lbs of that back. I used to be able to fast five days in a row. The most I've done since then is 70 hours and lately only around 36 hours. I also walk a ton and on days I fast I'll way way overdo fat burners such as Atrafen Elite, Apple Cider Vinegar, Hoodia, Garcinia, Weight Control dollar tree nature pills, and Forskolin as well as Stacker 2, Stacker 3, and Stacker B12 vitamin. I will down tons of water on those days as well and walk for up to four hours in one setting or six hours in a day.

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3. Food: I eat almost up to 11,000 calories some days whereas other days I will fast, overdo fatburners, and walk a lot. I just do not feel full or satisfied after a few calories. I've tried eating one 3000 calorie meal in a day, two 1500 calorie meals, 3 1000 calorie meals, a couple cans tuna, etc. and I just do not feel satisfied. I feel like I lack leptin. I do feel better when I eat I don't feel as utter trash as I do when I walk/fatburn/fast although I do gain some weight this way.

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4. Caffeine Addiction: With the fat burners and fasting I listed above I feel like complete and utter trash after a few hours. I feel very flat and uninterested after a bit and almost feel dysphoric like just my back feels tight, I feel very uncomfortable, I just feel irritated, etc. Is there a way I can wean myself off of this without the huge energy loss and tiredness one feels when stopping caffiene?

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5. Memory problems: My hands and memory do not work as much as they used to like for example I find myself forgetting quite a bit then I used to and it pains me a lot. I shouldn't be having memory problems at my age I'm not even middle-aged yet and still a ways from Senior Citizen age. I do not know what I can do about this I'm sure the weird fasting/fatburning/etc. is contributing to this but otherwise I do not know.

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6. Lack of Interest/Flatness: Even when I feel ok I just keep to myself and I can not get into anything I used to be interested in like I used to. I just do not find the same interest in games, movies, tv, youtube, etc. like I used to I do not know what I can do with this situation. I also ignore my roommate and go into my room to keep to myself a lot which I used to never do. I also can not enjoy music or anything anymore either and I've had some hearing loss on my right ear over the last almost two years that has caused me to not enjoy sound as much either and be deathly afraid of certain sounds to the point that I fear for my hearing even over 75 decibel or so noises.

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7. Lack of focus: I can not focus like I used to either. I'm supposed to be learning how to drive but I never can focus on the manual and in order to take the test the other thing is that I want to be able to do some stuff on the side where I could earn another $45 or so a month (not more than $50) but I just do not follow through and get distracted with meaningless crap.

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So what can I do to rectify all of these? I know that these are problems that need fixing and I would like some help. Thank you all very much for taking the time to read this. I know I probably should go to a doctor about this but I need to get back down in weight first (I was 165 last time I went to the doctor) and I am kind of worried about anti-depressants I mean I do have a one month perscription worth of Buproprion XL and Fluoxetine somewhere still in their packaging with the pharmacy instructions but yeah. Please help.