I F19 decided to take a break for mental health reasons. Basically things are getting very dark for me to the point of having dangerous ideations again. During my break, I've realized how alone I really am. No one has checked up on me. No one has messaged me. I feel so fucking stupid and lonely. I have one friend who I'm very close with, it's been almost a week and he seems like he just doesn't give a fuck if I'm gone or have these ideations. 

For context: I always check up on him, I'm the one who has to message first so we can start talking. That makes me feel so unwanted... why doesn't he put the same effort that I do in our friendship? Why is it never about me and always about him. I mailed him a birthday present for god sake, and he treats me with so little care. I just don't get it... why does he tell me that if I was gone he'd be miserable? But when I actually need support or reminders that he cares and loves me he simply treats me with such little care. It's so one sided. All of my friendships are like this. Why do I give so much and others give me so little. 

No one understands me or takes me serious. I'm at a point where I'm barely holding on... and my friends not giving a single flying fuck seriously makes me feel worse. 

I just want to block everyone. Including my close friend. No one would give a shit anyway. I'm destined to be alone.