i don’t think im even in an episode. I would say it’s hormones but hormones aren’t supposed to make you feel like life is meaningless. I was perky a few hours ago and for a few days since my last downswing. I vaped a little and took 30mg of mirtazapine…i couldn’t sleep. The problem is that im feeling suicidal for the first time in a few months. I have a problem with medication in a sense that if i take some while feeling this way it makes it much more easier to swallow more and more. Its late and reddit is my only support system i think i should be transparent with my boyfriend and tell him my status but i don’t want to be a burden out of no where. i hope i fall asleep before i do anything impulsively.