TW: Suicidal thoughts 


So im probably going to get a ton of shit for this so I'll probably end up deleting it and every time I post it somewhere, people basically invalidate what I go through without knowing me personally. A couple years ago, i found out about BPD. I started to realize that I have a lot of the traits. So I did more research and discovered I have every single one of the traits. Family and my old friends noticed it too. Come to find out recently that my biological uncle suffers from it. Over time I've realized this is the one reason that makes sense for how I feel, act, and why I don't feel normal or the same as everyone. I started to realize that I probably had this disorder way before I thought there was anything wrong with me. Why I changed my hair every other day, or got upset when my family had people over and I still felt alone so I'd stay in my bedroom and get so fucking angry that they were feeling better than I was. I thought I was bipolar at first but I'm not. My moods don't last very long and Im constantly jumping from one to the next. This is exhausting. I went to several therapists and then finally a psychiatrist who told me I had traits of it. I got put on antipsychotics but they didn't do anything because I was also heavily self medicating with lots of drugs. I guess what Im getting at is I don't know if I should go back to see someone. I just read a post about how it was better before they got diagnosed. I mean im already pretty self aware but at the same time sometimes I feel like I could be faking it?? I had trauma growing up but not nearly as bad as some people. I have a dbt workbook and I try to control my moods and emotions, and it just keeps getting worse. Its ruining my 6 year relationship and in the past has caused a lot of problems with my family. I can't even hold a job and I don't have my license and I just turned 23. Suicide is on my mind a lot lately. I guess I just want to know if I should try to get diagnosed. If youve read all this thank you and please no rude comments.