Some background - I went through a really rough patch a few years ago. I was at Uni on a course I didn't care about, far away from home with no friends. It got bad.

I'm on a new course now and, whilst I've had my ups and downs - especially with pandemic - I thought I was maybe doing better. Sporadic good days is better than nothing right?

Today, I had a moment of realisation though. I'm working really hard right now on my final year and have been stressing pretty much non-stop. Today, I had a really good day though, I'm in a good place with my work and thought "Great, now I can relax and enjoy my evening." and as soon as I did, I felt it again. That feeling of numbness and nothingness. My stress was gone for a moment and there was no  relaxation or joy to replace it. And then I realised that I'm really not better - I haven't been for a long while. I was just distracted by my work and back to ignoring my gut instincts that I'm still not right - which I did for far too long already.

I just don't want to go down this road again, especially when I'm so close to finishing my course. I always used to feel like I was one shitty day away from completely falling apart, and sometimes I can feel that sensation creeping back