I feel like everything is collapsing. I keep doing losts of what to do, I'm trying to imorove myself in the areas I have more control over, but my body is always so tense and I feel like everything I do, say and think is the cringiest and most pathetic thing because it comes from me. 

I have periods of doing okay, being kind of productive and just really hopeful, but that's about it. I struggle with close romantic relationships a lot and sabotage everything before it even happen. Even though my life is better on the surface noe because I moved in a shared flat with a good friend of mine and improved some areas in my life, I still feel so sad, because there are some things I never managed to overcome. I'm deeply ashamed of myself and just have no motivation. I miss being exited for things. No matter where I go, what I do and who I'm with I can't escape myself. 

I have so many opportunities for trying new hobbies and I'm doing my masters degree which I find really intersting, but it's so slow. I have to drag myself to do even the smallest task and procastinate and cancel every time I can. Sometimes I bury myself in research but these days are less common now. It used ti be my crutch and inspiration when I was in school. I loved to learn and it helped me escape how I felt. It killed loneliness for a bit. 

Because at the end of the day the only thing I wish for is for someone to hug me and say that everything is going to be okay. I just want to cry and spill everything out and think there is a future for me, but I just keep on hoping. I know a relationship with this one person would be a disaster if I'm not mentally well, so there's no point. But I also don't know how to live my whole life without actually experience this kind of happiness. I experienced some brief moments in the past and it makes me sad of how much more happy I could feel. I do things by myself but sometimes it would be fucking nice to do them with someone you love. I hate reminders of how people need closeness. I can't live without it but I have to, because if I don't, I'll always be miserable. I jist don't know how to be happy anymore.