First I don't really know why I'm typing this out, maybe I've just finally hit my limit IDK. Second sorry about the long post. Third sorry about the rambling nature this just kind of came out however I was thinking it.

So start with the some about me/tldr I guess. I'm over 30M, I've never been in a relationship, let alone kissed a woman or had sex. I own my own home but work a job that I hate or rather I love the work hate the company and the pay is not great.

I can honestly say that life hasn't turned out anything like I thought it would. Growing up and especially  after 9/11 all I wanted was to join the Army. Well I did and that turned out like shit. Turns out I struggle with maintaining physical fitness and while I didn't get kicked out and actually managed to do 2 enlistments my "career" suffered because of it, lost out on a promotion, got treated like shit by just about everyone that I didn't work directly with, despite being the top subject matter expert in my shop and quite competent at basic soldier tasks(shooting, tactical shit ect.)

So I get out and decide I want to try my hand at being a gunsmith and find a school that teaches that. Fail miserably. I apparently suck at working with my hands. Ended up having to move in with my sister and brother in law for a while, nbd, I bounced back well enough. However I've worked lower paying jobs ever since as in the most I've made is $15/hr. Still between my job and the VA I can afford my own place so not bad I guess.

The real kicker is I feel completely alone and touch starved. I mean have my parents but no local friends and certainly no GF. I'm horrible with women. I can talk to them just fine and be flirtly without to much problem. I just can't seem to move past just friendly flirting. Every time I have tried I've been rejected, which I get is part of life but I'm all rejected out so I just don't try anymore. Not having been in a relationship eats at me. I want to know what its like to be loved, both emotionally and the physical. I crave physical touch and intimacy but I know deep down I'll never get it. There are times that I want to just do pay a prostitute just to know what it's like.

I do have one friend that I am super close with and have know for over 10 years but she lives across the county. I also happen to have very strong feeling for her but she "doesn't see me that way" but at the same time would say things like "unless you marry me" whenever I talk about probably never getting married or even getting in a relationship. So while she is an amazing friend and I wouldn't trade our friendship for the world, she ends up fucking with my head sometimes.