I feel so empty. I try to be excited about things to fool myself in to being happy. I try to work through the pain. I dont trust anything good that happens because it never lasts. I wish I didnt have kids sometimes just so I didnt have to live in this disgusting world anymore. I'm constantly questioning if the world is even real. Everything seems so synthetic. Especially people. The closer I try to get with others the more alone I feel. I need a fucking escape. But nothing helps. I dont want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I feel guilty for thinking this way, but I really do think everyone would be better off without me fucking things up and destroying everything I care about. I just want it to end and I'm scared that I'm going to take it to far one day. I dont feel like I have any control over my thoughts. When they tell me its time to go I know I'll listen because I'm just a weak, selfish meat bag that can't do anything. Well if you made it this far thanks for reading my shitty pathetic vent. Hope you're all doing better than I am.