TW: vague references to abuse, suicide, rape 

So this is probably all the stereotypes getting my my head idk. But I’m recently single and there’s a couple guys that I’m interested in/that are interested in me. I’m not on dating apps because I broke up w/my ex like 2 weeks ago and I’m not ready for that plus I don’t like them anyway. But I’ve met guys through friends who I’m into and some of them are also evidently into me. 

And I just have this like feeling in the back of my mind like I’m this soul breaking vampire choosing my next victim to shatter emotionally and leave as an empty husk. I have done 4 years of therapy and honestly do feel like I’m 75% of the way to better (well maybe 66.67%. But I’ve improved a lot). And I’m only 20 so I have a lot of time left and I’d like to think one day ill be fully better. But idk. Maybe it’s bad luck but my first boyfriend and I had a toxic relationship. We were 16 and he was a bit mentally unstable anyway and I think he was probably fine. But then my next boyfriend I met at 17 and we dated for two years and it absolutely broke him. I think at times I was a bit emotionally abusive/at the very least kinda toxic. I was like 17 and he sexually abused me the entire time which caused me to have a lot of anger towards him and it was hard on me too, like I overdosed and I never intended to hurt him. But I had a lot to learn and a lot to grow. And I think the relationship truly broke him as a person. Like idk he still wants me back I think and he did SA me etc so it’s probably guilt and heartbreak that has made him like this. Idk. But he’s definitely a bit of a shell now. Then on my last relationship the guy got sick with pneumonia from the stress of the relationship and said it emotionally traumatized him. However our main issue is that he pressed me early on to tell him about what my ex did to me and then he couldn’t handle the knowledge of the severity of the abuse and he got relationship ocd about it and was tortured by his own mind stress about it. Like it wasn’t me causing the stress. And he claims it was the knowledge of the abuse that traumatized him. Not my bpdness. Plus he still wants to be friends and thinks for the most part I’m a kind good person and that with a few more years of therapy I’ll be a perfect girlfriend. And even now I’m lovable/there are people I’d be compatible with. 

I think maybe it’s just what everyone else says about bpd people. All I want is to be loved and to love someone and to be in a healthy happy relationship. Idk, I’m definitely still going to pursue them because I think I’m mostly better now. But I’m curious if anyone else has ever had these thoughts? Like they’re picking a “victim” to suck the soul out of? I’m definitely not emotionally abusive anymore and I probably never really was, so it’s not like an actual victim. But I just wonder if I’m difficult and unlovable. Idk.