The short story is, I am constantly detached from reality, my brain is sped up and constantly firing which makes me appear zany and odd at times, and this all most definitely stems from a cycle of inferiority and superiority complexes that are rooted in my self hate/low self esteem.

The long story: This phenomenon began last fall. The guy I was interested in all summer (he went no contact on me but he didn't leave my mind, it was absolute agony) finally came back late August. It didn't last too long. We first hung out again September 4th, he ended things (for the time being) the first week of December. Through it all, I indulged in plenty of paranoia, obsessive thoughts, fear of abandonment, hyper sexuality. 

Some random September day I came across Black Swan. Then that guy introduced me to Whiplash, then there was the first half of AHS season 10. The obsessive artist trope, the mad genius. All of my bpd symptoms that were drowning me these months, I turned them into writings, collages, and art. The beginning of this year, this all mellowed out up until March. Got dumped and this triggered a spiral. I wrote incessantly about the brainwashing of society and mass psychosis, sold around 90% of my clothes in a park because I saw no reason for material possessions, I made so much chaotic art. I saw myself as the modern philosopher and my reason of being put on this Earth to liberate those under the modern mental slavery. I'd go nuts when seeing groups of people always on their phone, I get on these mental tangents where I think most mental ailments are merely weakness enabled by society because of big Pharma. Theres some truth to these things but it also leads to a very antisocial outlook on my part.

and ugh. I hate it so much. It's now September. This has simply become another massive mood I get into for an hour maybe 2-4 times a day 5-7 days a week. Getting extremely fixated on being brilliant, saving humanity, etc etc. Frankly, it's just plain embarrassing, especially when I decide to post my ideas on my only social media every so often (I don't count this account as that). My creations and ideas are actually met very well but it only adds to my self hatred because it feels attention seeking and like everyone can tell I'm spiraling into madness and I just want to lead an ordinary teen girl life. Even with praise, there are those who stare at me as if I'm constantly spiraling, which I am! And I can't stop.

Maybe this is purely me going neurotic due to a modern world that I can't handle and my bpd symptoms merely emphasize my reactions. No matter the explanation, I can't stand living like this.