Sorry this vent will be all over the place....

We have only been together for a short time, but it has by far been one of the most intimate, genuine relationships I have ever been in.  Anyways, I got sick last week and this guy drives 40 minutes to my place at 11pm to bring me medicine and stays over. The next morning he gets me up grabs my dog and all my laundry and takes me back to his place where he proceeded to take care of me and do my laundry for a week. (I literally slept the whole time!) 

Well in the midst of being sick I also get some test results back that I have excessive amounts of cysts on my ovaries and this will probably cause an issue later on down the road when I decide to have kids. 

Anyways, I get over what ever satan-sent cold/flu that I had and go home and decide to step on the scale and I’ve gained back a lot of weight that I’ve been working on getting off. 
(Back story: my ex of 5 years told me I had 30 days to prove I legitimately was trying to lose weight or he would dump me, I was devastated and ended things with him) I was upset but didn’t really think anything of it. 

Well then I start getting these feelings of I shouldn’t be with my boyfriend but had no rhyme or reason. I was having major symptoms of dissociation and convinced myself that I need to be alone to figure myself out and just ended things like it was no biggie. 

Well the next day I start my period (definitely didn’t help with the overreaction of my feelings, or lack there of) then I start to realize that I totally sabotaged my relationship because I was afraid that my current boyfriend would fall out of love with me because of my weight gain. And basically ended things before I could get hurt. 

He texted me tonight as I was scrolling through this sub saying he did his own research on BPD, and that he felt like he had a better understanding of it, and that he wanted me to be happy and he missed me but understood that I needed to work on myself and was willing to wait. Suddenly everything clicked for me. I realized my fear of abandonment and the fear of possibly repeating my past relationship totally effed with my mind. 

I asked him to come over so we can talk. Maybe we can take things slower. I am still very unsure about what the hell is going on in my brain and don’t want to hurt him further, but I do miss him quite a bit. 

I feel absolutely insane for the whirlwind of crazy that I am