I can’t control myself. I’m not afraid to kill myself any longer. Previously I always were afraid of the pain. I had an adrenaline rush when I was going to try it, but not any longer. Its the same when I started sh. I would cut softly at first and at some point I would just do it. Now its the same. I just softly cut myself with a razor blade at the wrist. Not deeply to actually hurt anything but I dont feel any panic anymore while doing it. It like I take one more step to actually doing it every time. I wanna be dead for so long but I was allways afraid of killing myself. But now its 6:36 am, I didt sleep and it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.