Got a fairly close colleague at work who recently broke up with his partner. Fairly nasty, she just walked out with the baby and never really offered much reassurance of how they’re going to coparent. I left my ex wife a few years back so I kinda know the territory. 

My colleague told me he was suffering from a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. I stopped taking clonazepam recently but I still get it prescribed so there’s boxes and boxes of it at mine. Said to him you’re more than welcome to have some- my partner told me to be careful because this colleague is in the same profession as me and has a history of substance misuse to put it mildly. Texted him to say I had a couple tabs just to be safe, he said he’d pick them up. 

Yesterday morning he texted saying he’d just spoken to his now ex partner and he ‘needed something to calm me down’. I said come on over, which he did. Stayed about half an hour with my and my girlfriend then said he had to go, towards the door he said ‘ah mate can I have those benzos you offered’ and I gave them to him. 

Here’s my problem. I guess I feel a bit used. It was evident from his messages that he was after the drugs, not necessarily to spend time with us. It really got to me because I really struggle to make friends at the best of times. I spend most of my time with my girlfriend, lucky enough she’s my best friend anyway, but i suppose I was naively hoping that I was making a friend. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t seem like he was just coming over for the benzos, but it just struck a chord with me- every so often I get a bit resentful of my inability to socialise like normal people do and make connections. I do genuinely care about my friend, but I just feel if I knew he just wanted the meds I’d have just given them to him without inviting it over. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is I struggle socially- my partner and I are the same, we’re not too bothered by not having massive amounts of friends, but sometimes it gets to me I guess. The incident with my colleague really proved to me I am just really different and struggle to make friends. A bit used, but more just becoming aware of how making good friends for me is very few and far between.