work has sucked, i hate working with the general public. every day we get a rude customer i regret coming back to food service and not just fucking sticking to warehousing. i get home at night and don’t even have the energy to shower. i got home from my 12 hour shift and still haven’t showered. idk if i can. it’s too hard. i don’t even have the energy to bring myself to bed, i’ve been sleeping on the couch for over a month.

recently i’ve had to relive trauma from my ex. i haven’t been with him in over 3 years, it’s been fucking me up so badly and i’m embarrassed to talk to my boyfriend about it. he’s been nothing but supportive and i hate myself for being like this. 

my body image issues are just as bad as they were when i was 15 again. i’ve slowly started relapsing back into my ED. i haven’t counted calories yet, that’s good. but my doctor wanted me to monitor my weight bc of some other health issues. i’m terrified of stepping on a scale. i don’t want the numbers, my mental health can’t handle it. i know weight monitoring will help my doctor figure out what’s been wrong with me, but i can’t bring myself to step on a scale. all the new clothes i bought in the summer are too big. i’ve lost almost 30 pounds. i can’t afford better fitting clothes right now. my pants are always falling down. belts make me anxious bc that’s just another layer i’d have to worry about if i need to run to the bathroom. 

i’m in therapy, my first appointment in a month is tomorrow. i need it so fucking badly. i just feel so lost. i’ve been diagnosed for over 10 years. i’m tired of it.