What a weekend, I feel like I have a BPD hangover.

I've had my diagnosis for several years now, found a wonderful therapist and my BPD is mostly very quiet if you're looking from the outside in. My interpersonal relationships work well and I'm even managing to be actively polyamorous without splitting on my partners or their partners. My favourite person is not the partner I live with, which has the perk of incredible stability at home.

The problem is my FP's ex, who he and his live-in partner are still very close friends with. This ex doesn't have diagnosed BPD but there are many, many ways in which they are similar to how I was before therapy and a lot of work. So I get it.

We get along well, I like them. But they demand a lot of time from my FP, especially now with the pandemic going on. Over the last few months, they've been taking up more and more of FP's energy and time, and my BPD latched onto that like there's no tomorrow. But I have coping techniques, I have a support network, I've been working through it. No need to cause any upset, I even discussed the whole issue with ex to ensure they don't feel passive aggressive vibes coming from me.

I had been unable to see my FP for 7 weeks because he switched hospitals (works as doctor) and we decided to wait until his vaccine kicks in fully to ensure everyone in the polycule is as safe as possible. The ex got to see him anyway because they live alone, so there's no extra people to expose.

This weekend I was finally able to see him again but before that happened, I received a message from the ex (Thursday) asking if I'd like to come over that weekend. I said no, I'm already seeing FP. I received silence as a reply, and FP later informed me that ex had asked to come over. He was torn, asked me if I could handle it as he knew I had been having a very bad brain time.

I couldn't make that decision. I didn't want ex over, but I also didn't feel in a position where I could say no to it. It is, after all, his and his live-in partner's apartment and not my personal space. I told him that exactly - communication! - and he proceeded to tell ex they could come over.

Around comes Sunday, ex comes over, and we all sit in the living room. Their interactions are still very much like they're a couple and it was way, way too much for me so I buried myself in my phone. Eventually, FP took (extremely nonverbal) me back to his room to ask if I was doing okay. I said that I'm pretty close to a complete meltdown and he ...

...left to give me space.

I spend the next half an hour having my meltdown before he came back and said "Ah, shit, that was the wrong decision." I got some attention and affection, we talked it through, and it was enough for me to calm down and go back and socialise. My live-in partner later picked me up and I came home to some sushi he and his girlfriend had made for me.

This morning, FP woke up to a bunch of sad/frustrated messages from ex blaming him for the whole situation.

&amp;#x200B;

This whole situation feels incredibly fucked up because, throughout the whole thing, my "Therapy Brain" has been agreeing with my BPD that this is not okay. That the ex is in no place to demand this level of attention, and that FP should've known better. My live-in partner and his girlfriend agree. As a result, it is much, much harder to cope because Therapy Brain just shrugs and leans into the unwanted emotions. They're justified after all!

&amp;#x200B;

Anyway, just needed to share this with some people who may understand. I'm feeling extremely exhausted and fragile at the moment, at it'll be another 4 weeks until I even get to see FP again. Damned be this pandemic.