I've never posted on Reddit before, but I was recently diagnosed with BPD, and it has become increasingly taxing on my relationship. My boyfriend frequents Reddit, and he started sending me some posts that other people with bpd have shared on here. If I can extend my support system to a forum of people with similar experiences, maybe my boyfriend will begin to feel less burdened. 
Anyway, I write a lot. Nothing good or important or even anything coherent in general. Mostly just uncensored, incomplete thoughts I have throughout my days. I write down even the most extreme things that I'm feeling to the full extent to which I'm feeling them. As someone with bpd, that's a very cathartic thing to be able to do because (at least in my case) we often feel that how we feel is too extreme to be shared in its truest extent without embarrassing ourselves or looking "crazy" or "psycho". 

Anyway, enough of that rambling. Instead, here's a collaboration of ramblings across many weeks. Maybe some of you can relate to some of this:



I finally have a clear diagnosis. 
Every day I have to make the conscious decision to continue living. I don't remember life ever not being like this. 
How does being sure make me feel? Kinda like a death sentence. Kinda like relief. Same thing??? 
I am my BPD, my BPD is me. We're synonymous, stuck together. Take it or leave it. 
Guilt eats away at my brain. 
I'm a bad person. 
I shouldn't be in relationships. I ruin people. I'm infectious. I'm not easy to love, but I'm easy to fall in love with. It's the sticking around that's hard. 
Hurt, angry, guilty, hurt, angry, guilty, hurt, angry, guilty
Do not lose the only people patient enough to deal with your bullshit. 
Stop making reckless fucking decisions 
Start being financially responsible
Get back into shape 
Learn to love yourself, so you don't need as much reassurance 
At times I feel very apologetic for my existence 
The closer we are, the more power you have to hurt me
The closer we are, the easier I get hurt by everything you do 
The closer we are, the further away you'll probably want to get from me
I need to be touched all the time, it's clearly annoying. But I can't help it. It makes me feel secure. It's probably not a healthy thing, but it's a true thing. Many things that are true for me aren't healthy for me. Does that make any sense

Life feels like a death sentence 
Is the world shaking or is it just me? 
All these hurricanes fucking wit my juju 




Everyone thinks you're crazy 

I almost died tonight. 
I wish I was dead tonight. 
I wanna die
God forbid anyone compare me to Fatal Attraction. What kind of psychology professor shows his students a clip from that fucking movie when his goal apparently is to REDUCE stigma???

You FaceTime her everyday. She calls you at 1am. How am I supposed to feel? I'm trying so hard not to let you make me feel crazy on this one. I'm fighting it. 
"Maybe it just wasn't meant to be dude."

I like watching smoke patterns float to the ceiling and fade away. 

Why should I feel like my life is significant or interesting to others? 




How can I best diffuse the situation? Stop existing, ideally. 


I don't see the end of the tunnel for us
Maybe this was all just one big, long tunnel 
I love you so much, I'm hurting so heavily right now 

I feel helpless 


I feel feelings in overwhelming amounts 

Being alive is exhausting 





