One of my therapists always comforted me when she told there are very few people in their 40s and beyond with borderline. It is an illness that, for whatever reason, tends to calm with age. Well I'm only 23, but I notice a remarkable difference in myself now. 


I was diagnosed at 18. 5 years later, I no longer meet any of the criteria for BPD. I was bad. Really bad. From about age 14 I did it all. Tons of drugs, drinking, unsafe sex, suicide attempts, manipulated everyone around me, extreme episodes of rage and depression. I wore all the puppet masks possible. I was a chameleon. A chronically empty, manipulative, femme-fetale chameleon with no sense of self, yet obsessed with finding an identity. 

Now my life is different. I am in a stable marriage. We fight, I argue passionately sometimes, but I am better. My husband has the calm of a polished stone, heavily weighted and balanced even in a storming river. And now, sometimes I am the calmer one when we argue. My painful, jackknife to the heart jealousy, has softened vastly. I have the ability to walk away. Not run away to swallow an entire bottle of pills, bang my head against the wall, or fantasize about doing terrible, sadistic, hurtful things to my husband.

I walk away to sit down and breathe. And take a break from thinking, worrying, hating, feeling. Spend a moment just being. I can still feel the rage bubbling up, but I can turn the gas off and watch it calm to a gentle simmer, and than eventually, stillness. I can just be. 


I found an identity, when I realized I didn't need one. I stopped trying to define myself. All of a sudden, over time, I know who I am. But I don't have to be anything. I like reading, nature, space, yoga, writing, neuroscience, makeup, and stillness. I love tea and shades of neutrals. Textures comfort me, smells excite me. I am a feeler and a dreamer. But it doesn't matter, because I am just me. And that's enough. 


I don't drink, because when I do I drink too much. I drink to fill a void that is no longer there, and in doing so I flood my stillness like a tsunami. I don't like the person it makes me become. I don't do drugs. Okay, okay I smoke pot sometimes. But it's not an escape, it's a journey inward. A brilliant introspection or a gentle aid to help me sleep. I haven't smoked in weeks, and that's fine with me. The euphoria these things used to bring me was false and fleeting. Just another meaningless, hollow sensation to become attached to. And the only happiness I seek now is real. 


I don't worry so much about what others think of me, or what I think of myself. I don't think as much at all anymore. I try to be more than I think. I always read about how existing, without living was a tragedy. I think the opposite. I think for some people, to be able to simply exist and find contentment in the discontentment of that, is the real key to happiness. And if it doesn't bring you happiness, at least it brings you truth. 


I'll stop going on and on about myself and get to the point - to tell you how I got there. It's been a long, hard journey. And I've fallen plenty along the way. It's hard work, but it's worth it. 


I've tried tons of medications, which caused more problems for me than they were worth. Often they would make me feel worse, and I'd constantly wonder if that was a result of the medication, or what's underneath the bandaid (scary.) I went through over a year of dialectical behavioral therapy with 2 different counselors. I learned a lot and it stays with me, everyday. I had a stay in the psych ward and did some group DBT there. The DBT really got me interested in Buddhism. DBT is nothing more than a watered down form of buddhism with less emphasis on meditation and more on living a meditative life (as in, finding a way to meditate no matter what you're doing, aka Mindfulness.) I have read a lot about buddhism and try to incorporate it into my life everyday. 

And then I saw a wonderful new psychologist and life coach who helped me figure out a routine that works for me. I came to her with my cup full, I had a lot of coping skills and I just needed a boost. But she showed me how to utilize them, and how to realize that my cup is never full. 


It was through her that I started using the online "therapy" program called Happy Whole Human. I'm not endorsing it in anyway, but it helps me a lot. I combine that with a daily self care routine. 

I take Vitamin D3 everyday. Most of us are chronically deficient in it, and it can have a huge impact on depression. I take 5htp or St. John's Wart for a little mood boost everyday. I dedicate at least 20 minutes to doing yoga at home, just for myself. You don't have to be flexible, you don't have to enjoy exercising, you don't have to have a yoga mat or clothes. All you need to have is a desire for self improvement. I use the free website: doyogawithme.com (go to the beginners section.) There are gentle or energizing routines. Yoga is wonderful for emotional grounding, mindfulness, depression relief, anxiety, and stress relief. The science is there, just feel it for yourself! If 20 minutes is too much, start with 10. Baby steps. 

I write in a journal everyday. It's not a record of my life events, it's just a stream of consciousness. When it's down the paper, it's not so much in your head. If I think I have nothing to say I may reflect on something, a topic I googled, a mantra, an inspirational quote, or even the fact that I have nothing to say. Writing is therapy. Writing is healing. 

I read everyday. I have a propensity towards addiction to screen-time. So I make sure to read something interesting (in an actual book) for at least 20 minutes a day. My favorite books and the ones that have helped me PROFOUNDLY in my journey are as follows: "How to Go to Pieces Without Falling Apart" - By Mark Epstein and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Both are amazing, both incorporate buddhist philosophy and mindful living. I have re-read them many times and each time I get something new out of it. I would say I learned almost as much from those two books as I did throughout my entire course of DBT. 


I take notes on the books constantly, I took notes in DBT, I take notes from DBT websites I read. I refer to them often. Therapy is a great tool but it's nothing if you aren't utilizing it as actively as possible. 


I meditate. This is hard for me to get into it, so I start small. 5 minutes of quiet sitting a day. Then 10 when I work up to it, and so on. When I can't sit I meditate when I clean, when I eat, when I write. I am fully present as often as I can be. 


And finally, I remember that progress is better than perfection. Done is better than never started. Failure is better than never tried. I take tiny bite size pieces out of the things I want to do, and see where it leads me. 


Now I'm in a pretty happy marriage. I have a beautiful, wonderful son, and I'm starting college in a month. I'm going to be a counselor, I'm going to give DBT myself one day. Maybe, truly I'll go wherever my path takes me. 

But I just wanted to let you guys know, that there is hope. If anyone has any questions for me or needs advice on something, I will serve you as best as I can. Remember, be kind to yourselves, and if you work at it, it will get better. It always gets better. It gets better as soon as you stop fighting it, but always challenge it.