I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s not like anyone will read it. I’m a nobody with a pointless view. Just your average everyday Jane or Joe. Just another living being breathing air and taking up space. Just another person feeling sorry for themselves.

I try so hard to find a purpose (MY purpose) in life. I just feel like it’s to be a subservient doormat to others. I did, at some point find pleasure and happiness seeing my good deeds make others happy, but only for it to end up at my expense. Even the career I chose where I thought I would be making a difference by helping others I end up being treated with such disdain sometimes I really wonder why I even make an effort.

This past year has been a hard one, but from what I hear “it’s been a hard year for everyone.” I should just be grateful, right? I should just be happy I’m in a better position than most people, right? I have a good job with great benefits and work at a prestigious institution. I’m in good health, I can take care of myself and have a family that supports me. I’m a pretty girl with an energetic personality. So it’s crazy to even think I should even feel this unhappy, right?

I shouldn’t dwell on any of my hardships. I should just keep moving forward. I should just forget and move forward with what’s happened to me in the last year: I should just move forward from losing my grandma and my good friend within a month of each other. I should forget that I couldn’t even give my friend a proper goodbye at their funeral because I had COVID. I should just get over how I was dumped by someone I loved and cared about deeply only to find out weeks after I was pregnant. I shouldn’t feel regret about making the choice of not keeping it even though part of me really wanted to. I shouldn’t feel bad for making not the choice I wanted, but the one that I thought was best.

I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop beating myself up and being bitter and angry. I should practice more gratitude, I should be more optimistic, I should be happier. I have every opportunity to get what I want and move forward with my life so I shouldn’t be feeling like this…right?