I feel like I know what it would take to bring my life around but I can’t bring myself to do it. Even then, I wouldn’t know how to keep combating my thoughts. I have a lovely gf, but her depression is much worse. I want to be a bright light for her but it can be hard. 

I’ve struggled with insomnia since I was younger and even when I was my most active it didn’t help. I’m currently trying to get a job in cs but I’m struggling. I keep fixating on my past, feeling like an idiot over the simplest of things or interactions. 

I’ll always care about my friends but I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’m cared about the same. I’ve grown to have a better relationship with my fam so I don’t feel like i can complain. I feel like I’ll never quite fit in anywhere for too long.

I have people I’ve connected to but I don’t wanna feel like a downer or a burden. Everyone’s got their own shit going on after all. Sometimes it just feels like it’d be better if I fell asleep and never woke up. A never ending dream. 

Im tired of the self deprecating thoughts and feelings that accompany them. Tired of feeling weak. And I don’t feel like I have a right to complain based off the way I live. I’m tired of all the problems in the world and feeling so helpless as though I can’t even help myself.

Learned helplessness is a mf. All I do is try to distract myself to avoid my mind. I’m tired of it. It’s not enough. 

It’s easier for me to be honest with strangers I guess so that explains my rant.  It’d be nice to hear from y’all I guess. Long time browser first time poster. Sorry.

TLDR: depression, insomnia, learned helplessness, rant.