She was my ex, who I broke up and got back together with about 4 times in total, before she couldn't take it anymore and completely broke it off with me about 1.5 years ago. I didn't know about my disorder until a few days ago (i thought i only had depression).

When I was with her, I would often become frustrated with her from the smallest of reasons. But then she would become the only person I cared about in the world.

She was the only person who I felt actually cared about me, and tried to cooperate with my depression. I didn't appreciate that enough, and ended up abusing her (i didn't recognize is at the time, but thinking about it now it was definitely abuse, and I don't know what else I can do aside from apologizing). Even though time has passed, I still think she is the only person for me but at the same time I feel like I don't deserve her after everything I've done (the worst thing was using my suicidalness to make her feel bad - I feel so bad about it now).

We still talk every now and then as friends, but i don't think she knows that I think of her everyday, every hour and every minute.

I deleted my social media accounts so i don't know if she has found someone new, but I just don't know what I should do. I'm scared that the love I have for her is just from my disorder. I wish I knew about myself more earlier, so I could atleast inform her about myself so we could communicate more about it, before I just started to assume things. I just don't know what to do, because she's the person I care about most in the world.