TW: mention of abuse/ grooming

To be very clear, this is a past event (~3 years). I've been in recovery so I no longer act like... That. But it's been nagging me because I feel I need serious perspective and maybe a different view on the situation. 

There was one time when I was spiraling hard that my bf and I weren't sexting each other at all (long distance relationship). For some stupid fucking reason, instead of trying to bring it up calmly and talk about it, I ended up getting mad. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I do know that I expressed unhappiness in the relationship because of the lack of sex(ting) and said that I have needs and can't be in a serious relationship without it. I feel fucking awful for this because I'm aware that it's terrible behavior now. What makes it much worse is that I think he felt obligated to sext me more because we ended up doing it the next day. This is the only time this happened to my knowledge but I know that doesn't really matter. 

Recently I brought it up to him and stated that I don't want to make him feel obligated or pressured to do anything sexual. He replied that he felt it didn't affect him in any serious manner and stated that he didn't really remember much of what I was talking about. But I still feel really hateful towards myself for feeling that pissed off and entitled to basically demand my partner to act a certain way. I know that is awful and there is no excuse or anything to be said for that. 

I know this is not an excuse in any manner and I don't want to make it seem like one or some kind of manipulative tactic. I genuinely feel worried that I'm just like my past abuser who gr**med me and would basically pressure me into sending sexual messages. 

I don't really know what to say. I know for a fact I would never do this again. Hell, I knew it was wrong right after the fact and knew that I fucked up badly. But that doesn't change the fact that it happened. I honestly don't know why I would do something that horrible and stupid. I feel massive anxiety and the urge to h*rm myself even though I know I actually won't. I will probably drink though. I know I don't deserve sympathy and that I sound awful and manipulative, I genuinely know that at this point I'm just word vomiting all over the freaking post. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to make anyone feel pressured, especially not someone I LOVE, so I don't know why I thought it was ok to do so back then. I feel fucking horrible and like a monster. I'm honestly not looking for pity it's just hard for me to calm down and I am honestly feeling a lot of anxiety because I don't want to be like that. 

Sorry for the rant I'm just scared and I feel horrified at myself for straying so far from my own values that I would make someone feel sexually pressured. I know damn well that it's fucking awful and there's no excuse to be had for it. I know it sounds selfish to ask if I am a monster because I probably am one and anyone who's actually ever felt pressured like me would know how it feels. Finally, stupidly enough, I have never acted this way towards my bf except for that time and I have absolutely never made him feel this way when we were hanging out in person, I can say with sincerity that I had/have ALWAYS respected his consent so I don't. Know. I don't know where I went wrong. I'm truly sorry if this is triggering, I know that it's very bad.