

Huge suicidal vent!

Can I talk to you guys about BDSM?

I grew up asking for permission to do literally anything; "Please Can I go to the toilet?" "Please can I have a snack?" "Please can I use the phone?" "please can I have a glass of water?" in my own home until I was around 15 or 16 years old. If I didn't ask for permission before doing something I was punished. When I was younger I was punished physically, and when I was older I was punished through humiliation of being called "entitled" and "selfish" and "thief" etc. If I got a new hobby, or developed new interests I was just mocked until I lost interest in them. I lived within a strict system of rules all my life, I never lived for myself, I never had my own hobbies or interests, my hobbies and interests and opinions were dictated to me by my parents. If I had a different opinion I was told I was wrong and shouted down into submission. My only real piece of identity that felt truly me growing up was my horse-riding hobby... So I guess I've always had a penchant for leather and crops (/s)
Anyway, as I grew older I found it very very difficult to figure out a direction in life. I asked my parents "What do I want to be?" because that is what I had been taught to do; to seek approval and advice for every single fucking little thing. They wouldn't tell me what to do, just chatise me for not knowing what to do with my life... They had pretty much trained me to be entirely submissive to other people's wishes since I was a little child, serving people's wishes has been my reason to live for all my life.... and as soon as I finished high-school I was totally lost. They suddenly expected me to go out into the world and.... I don't know marry a rich handsome prince and cure cancer and invite them to live on my private island in the tropics or something.
But how can I be any of that for them!? I'm supposed to make them proud now but I don't even feel like a person! I just feel like property that someone has discarded now that they have no more use for it.
I literally have no idea what I want or what I like.
I'm working as a waitress (serving people's wants and wishes)
I was in school but I'm totally directionless about what I enjoy so I dropped out.
I don't have a boyfriend because I'm so fucking passive that I'm not really a whole person. I never have opinions about anything, I never choose where to eat, or what to do, or what to watch as a movie because I'm so afraid that I'll get the wrong answer and that it will mean the end of a friendship or a relationship.
I hate my body and think I look disgusting.... I know it's not true, but I'm not allowed to own that identity or believe it is true because that would be vain and self centred and make me an awful person. (I blame mum for this, she would constantly comment on my weight and my body and fat shame everyone. She views all other women as sexual competition, including me, it's weird)
I feel a little like a well trained dog that has been dropped off at the shelter by its owner and is just waiting for a new master.
I have no purpose in life unless I have someone to serve. I am literally clinically depressed unless I have someone to serve.
I'm 22 now, and I'm diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, major depressive disorder, and generalised anxiety disorder. My life is currently just based around jumping from one abusive N to another.
Last year I broke up with long-term man-child N-ex. He was emotionally vacant and very very self-absorbed. I liked him for his simplicity. So long as he had dinner made and I wasn't annoying him while he played video games he was happy enough and easy to look-after and it gave me a purpose.
After I left him I met someone I fell for HARD... The first time I met him he told me not to trust him and that he was a liar and that he was clinically a narcissist. We bonded over having cluster-B personality disorders. He gave (gives) me butterflies when I see him, he can make me feel like shit in a second, fucks me roughly and makes me pay for everything, freaky intelligent, very attractive, easy to worship as we borderlines tend to do...I fell in love with him very quickly, and forgot I was not supposed to trust him. He got another girl pregnant and stopped speaking to me. I feel at peace and at home with him... But then he goes months at a time with no contact and texts me to come let him fuck me in the ass occasionally, and each time I instantly forgive him and put on my best lingerie. buy a bottle of wine and go see him... because I'm a good little sub whore and serving people makes me more happy than anything else in the world, and the worse they treat me, the more shit I will do for them to make them treat me less badly, because this is how I was taught to deal with aggression and hostility. He has even commented on this in the past saying (pretty much word for word) "You're the most submissive girl I know, most say they're submissive but squirm away when you get to their ass. With you its like 'I'm going to fuck your ass now' and you're just like "oh... okay.'"
On an off-break from the above mentioned, I dated a man 23 years older than me... He was an experienced self-confessed "dom". Fairly wealthy, and used to dating submissive younger women. A totally unpleasant person (apparently I can't use the word I want to use there). Shit got pretty hardcore real fast. I won't go into details, I'll save that for some kind of "50 Shades of Domestic Abuse" parody. He had the most amount of rules which made me feel most fulfilled... life is very easy when you just have to follow a set of arbitrary rules. I lived inside a system of basic reward and punishments again for a few months and felt like myself again. After about 6 weeks or so it had gotten very intense, People began to comment on the bruises, I cried every night, I had to look at the floor whenever I was around him as part of his rules, I was not allowed to eat certain foods, or speak to certain people. I cut off contact with him after he didn't stop when I used the safe-word; responding with "I can't hear you." I bailed from this guy and now I'm alone.
...I'm not a human. I'm not a whole person at least. I feel more like a literal fuck toy than a human being. I don't know how to grow into a human or if I even can any-more. I feel like I'm just destined to go from one abusive relationship to another for the rest of my life, and if that is true, is suicide really such a bad option? I can't live with this shame and guilt and sadness and anger and uncertainty. I'm in constant emotional agony and too ashmed to talk to my psychologist about any of this.