like i'm a total monster when i'm hypomanic and i'm really irritable and weird but i also had the strange self confidence and sense of coolness that i cannot and will not be able to achieve otherwise.

i'm going back to university next week and i'm in a depressive episode that's kinda flooding my head with "i don't wanna go, i don't wanna do anything ever again, i want to quit while i'm ahead and perish" and all that nonsense. I HATE IT, i don't need that right now, i'm nervous enough as it is-- i dropped out for a couple years to focus on my health and i know i feel ready to go back, but i just don't like feeling full of trepidation coupled with a mood low. 

i would love it if i got into even just a slight hypomanic state before school starts so i can feel better about going. i'm sure part of it is knowing i go Next Week while months ago i was excited and could still enjoy the summer, so i didn't worry about it. i struggle with OCD too and i know obsessive thoughts can trigger a mood swing for me one way or the other and i wouldn't be surprised if i just kept badgering myself and here i am.