Just thinking about my life makes me spiral. I live in a country where my rights as a female POC is getting diminished every day. This USA is completely divided, a man-eats-man world, where the only way to gain political power is to trash the "other side" like they're the enemy. I thought we were supposed to be one nation. 

I'm in school for a good degree, have a job with growth potential, a loving boyfriend, good friends, and good family. But when I think about it, I don't think any of it is worth the anguish I feel living on this earth. I just think I don't care about how anyone felt about me being gone. Or maybe I would hope certain people would feel guilty if I was gone.

I tried therapy. Doctors don't care. They just need to pad their pockets. And regular healthcare is not affordable for me. I just don't trust doctors of any kind. I feel guilty dumping my emotions on others. My boyfriends always gets so sad when I'm sad. He feels like he needs to help me but he doesn't know what to say or do. My best friend has struggled with depression longer than I have, and my episodes are negatively affecting our relationship because she shuts down and I lash out. It's not fair to either of them.

Nothing makes me happy. It feels hopeless. I feel so alone. No one can handle me. No one can support me. And I feel guilty that I even expect support. No one deserves to have to deal with my shit.