TW: self harm, suicide

When I get really spinny, I start telling the people that are hurting me how I'm hurting myself or am suicidal. I'm so fucking volatile it's upsetting. Lately instead of doing that, I just go MIA until my brain recalibrates. I know it never gets the reaction I want which only makes the self harm urges stronger or I do it. 

I realized a while ago, that my coping and my destressors were my two best friends from college. I don't live near them anymore (we all moved to different states for work) and I don't see them except maybe once a year. I've been putting my destress into the new people I have met. Thing is they eventually become stressors because not all new friendships last. So then I become chaotic and want to start using self harm as a persuasion tool to get them to act the way I want when they aren't. Lately this involves how my two close friends keep going out to outdoor restaurants. It's a fucking pandemic and I feel like they don't care about keeping me and every other person on this planet safe. If I get sick, I get my roommates sick, and they see their elderly parents. I'm put in this position to stop seeing my friends to protect the people around me and I feel cornered. 

I don't want to go back to my last therapist because we didn't vibe. I might reach out to the one before but I don't wanna get an "I told you so" because she told me not to move since I was finally happy where I was last living (it was a temporary job, I didn't have a whole lot of options). 

I don't want to be this volatile. I know threatening self harm is never going to get me my way because people don't care enough about me. How do I heal?

tl;dr: I threaten to hurt myself when my friends hurt my feelings. Lately it's been because they go out during a pandemic. How do I not be so volatile?