I've never felt proud of myself. Ive always craved and Needed other people to be proud of me. I always needed other people to know what Im doing ar all times and vice versa so I didnt feel abandoned or like a disappointment, and when I slipped up slightly or if nobody cared, It felt like torture. Like a personal attack. My FOMO was debilitating, and I felt like the people I loved could never love me back, and I sometimes hated them for it as much as I latched on to them like an obsessive parasite

Lately I think Ive been better. No - I know ive been better. The past couple of weeks ive been able to curb my jealousy, recognize that I can only control myself and not others, and that my emotions will come to pass. Ive been focused on myself, doing things that make Me happy, and leaving the people around me to breathe.

One of my friends was a past partner of about a year. He broke up with me a few months back because I was obsessive and controlling - I needed to know what he was doing at all times, needed to text him constantly, and felt insanely jealous when he did Anything without me (which lead to him hiding these hang outs which also made me spiral worse (not that I blame him)). We remained friends, sometimes friends with benefits, with many many bumps in the road where he told me I was still doing it and I still needed to let go and work on it. Time and time again I was still slipping up. Until recently

We slowed down. I stopped latching on to him even as a friend - we still talked a lot, but there was more breathing room for Both of us. I was focused on myself and he noticed

He asked me to be with him again, and I paused and said we can talk about it at a better time. A few days later, we had a long conversation about boundaries, expectations, and growth. He told me he was getting feelings again and the thing that 100% confirmed it for him was me saying Maybe when he asked. He said to him that was proof that Im getting better and that Im learning to control my instincts and obsession - I didnt just leap back into his arms

I told him I was proud of myself for that moment too, and for the past few weeks, and that I almost saw him asking me to be together again as a reward from the universe for becoming better. He looked at me and told me that Im becoming my own person, and even though he doesnt want to be the source of my success that I cling to, the fact that I can be proud of myself is a huge step in the right direction. I almost sobbed. Im so proud of myself. I really hope I dont fuck it up again. Im trying so hard to be good. Im doing so well

I know I should rely on my own pride, and I am. I just am so goddamn happy and needed to get it in the world somewhere. And maybe my progress can help inspire others. So here you go, all