This post is just looking for support more than anything.

I'm attaching again.  This time, the FP doesn't follow the usual rules.  He's not older, or in some kind of leadership position, or in a relationship/marriage, there's no imbalance of power... so you would think that's a good thing.  Not following those BPD patterns I usually do when I target somebody.  But this time, he's a long-standing friend and support, he's also very unstable mentally, and this is not the kind of person I should attach to.

I don't know when it changed from him being convenient for a hookup and a buddy to hang with, to something more.  But suddenly I'm terrified, because my brain is doing that thing where I am manipulating everything in order to get closer and closer to him and the boundaries are down.  He has gone full throttle FP.  I hate this pattern, I do not want to do this again. Because in the end, I will lose him anyway.

I wish there was a way to fill this awful void of emptiness without constantly filling it with a FP.  I feel sick.  I just know my patterns so well, I am fully cognisant of it, yet to actually change my behaviour is damn impossible.