Hi all, first time posting here. Just want to preface by saying i haven’t been diagnosed, but since learning of BPD a lot of things have started to make sense for me and i can relate to nearly every post i’ve read here.

My 23rd birthday is on Saturday. And i’m feeling extra sensitive about it. Even more than in past years.  Despite knowing for weeks that i should plan something nice to do that day- even just as a “treat” for myself- i just can’t decide on anything at all. Paralyzed with indecision i guess.

Every idea i think of either:
• involves going outdoors (temps are usually over 100°F here)
• doesn’t feel special enough (could do it any other day)
• or feels like i’d be asking for way too much (a trip, a spa day, pop-ups/local events, and things of that nature)

Even on an average day i’m indecisive and constantly flip between feeling like i deserve absolutely nothing and the best life has to offer. So i think the fact that this day is meant to be special just adds extra pressure.

This year has been especially rough. I lost yet another group of people i thought genuinely wanted to be my friends. I moved out for the first time. My emotional state got worse than it’s ever been. Intense depression and anxiety caused me to stop going to the job i was really good at. I’m technically still employed thanks to my boss fighting for me, but only barely. I haven’t worked more than a half a day/week on average for the last 4 months. I’m obviously not financially stable either, which enhances the monetary aspect of feeling like i’m “asking for too much.”

What’s worse is i can’t even articulate to my loving boyfriend why i’m being such a brat. He’s so supportive and trying to help me think of ways he could make my day special. I just feel so embarrassed about how extreme and inappropriate and negative my emotions can be that i broke down crying when he simply listed off a few ideas and asked my opinion.

I just want to be normal.