Hey everyone 

So I’ve been splitting on my long term partner (who was also my FP) whilst I slowly was getting a new FP..

Basically this took a huge toll and the other night he said he wanted a break because this wasn’t a true relationship.. I was so angry at him and confirmed all my awful thoughts about him and that he didn’t love me only himself and he was just waiting for me to leave etc you know the drill and I couldn’t cope and self harmed for the first time in a while, convincing myself I couldn’t go on anymore.

So yesterday we actually spoke like adults and broke up. I’m really really proud of myself because I think I reacted a lot better than normal. I cried and cried and begged him to stay, because I was so devastated about losing someone I have completely attached myself too but at the same time I was also desperate for my own identity. That’s something I’ve been struggling with so ultimately I cried was sick and then just packed my stuff and left. 

I think I completely disassociated on the way back because I felt like my brain disappeared and I wasn’t even in my body, perhaps a reaction to the anxiety I was feeling about this being the end. 

Anyway today I woke up and he was being so nice and I think I still love him and think I’ve made a huge huge mistake I can’t tell what to do!

Side note, I’ve moved back home where there is therapy readily available and an under subscribed doctors. I’m living with my dad, who I have a good relationship and my mum, who I have an awful relationship with and who I blame for all of this has moved out so location wise I have support.