I’ve been best friends with my group for over 12 years, every single low point, suicidal thought, any time they’ve felt or been lost, alone, need support, I’ve tried my absolute hardest to be there with giving endless amounts of advice, positivity, things and ways to get them back on track, even if it took months of being and driving to them every single week just to make sure they were okay and knew they had someone.

Now, they are doing so well with life, and I couldn’t be more proud of them. I absolutely adore how far they’ve all come and how much they’ve achieved in life. I’ve always pictured that I’d stick around to see them get to a stage in life where they have done well, then I could pass away knowing they’d be okay in life.

But when the table is flipped it’s completely different. On the occasions I have opened up, it feels like it’s been fired back to my face. It’s met with bluntness, tough words not realising it can be harsh to someone in that in that state can take it the wrong way, blame on my actions, or like most times, left on read. They have blamed me on substance abuse saying I was an addict (I do take a lot of painkillers due to chronic pain, but I’m aware enough to not be an addict), they have told me I was spoiled enough to not know the real world, they have said I am too sensitive, they have told me I shouldn’t give advice if I can’t take advice, they have blamed my parents for cushioning me, or just told me to go see someone as they’re not a doctor (which I understand they’re not therapists)

It feels so lonely to not talk to them about how I feel or how I’ve been doing, to the point I just don’t speak in group chats anymore, I’m not talkative and have noticed when I do talk it’s now just in general, ignored. I know they care for me they’ve shown that face to face, but it feels like I’ve done something wrong or something for them not to want to talk anymore. It feels so lonely and as much as a therapist can help, at the end of the day they are just doing their job, they don’t go home thinking of me as a friend, only another patient. Family is there and partner always there, and as much as I adore them with my whole heart, they are not my 12 year childhood best friends. I feel so lost.