I haven’t been on Reddit long, but I do believe my other threads would be accessible for background information..

I have quickly lost hope and sanity after a terrible experience just a month ago. I’m drinking heavily, started using drugs again, my suicidal idealizations have reached a point they are absolutely inescapable. Due to a heartbreak? I feel like a fool. I know what the answer is, “buck up, move on. The world still turns. Plenty of fish in the sea” but every day is another day with a sinking feeling in my chest. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

I’ve lost all trust in anyone. My friends are sick to death of dealing with the constant issues caused by my last relationship. I was foolish, I was gullible, I am heartsick that now I feel I have no one. 

Many of my friends are also in recovery, as a 10 years clean previous user, I was a rock for many of those I know. Now? They’ve realized it necessary to cut me off. While I understand completely, it adds to my heartbreak. I need help, and I feel I have no one to turn to. I try to look at my behavior from an outside perspective and I’m sickened. I’m severely depressed, usually intoxicated, and quick to become angry. How could anyone tolerate this?

I use stimulants to keep me awake. I dread sleep. My dreams have truly never been pleasant ones, and my inability to dream lucidly or at least realize that my dreams are not reality, is causing me more and more trauma. When I dream, which mostly revolve around the incident from January, I believe I am truly there experiencing whatever I am dreaming. I have woken up already pouring tears. I don’t want to keep subjecting myself to traumas that truly NEVER HAPPENED. I feel like it is also detrimental to my mental health.

I feel alone. I don’t want to subject anyone else to the ridiculousness of my inability to pull myself up by the bootstraps and move on. I try to see it from their perspective and I completely empathize with them. What a joke I am. What do I do now? I don’t want to wake up into this anymore. I wish I could fall asleep and awaken back at the beginning of the year, a chance to try it all again. 

I write too much. But, it is never enough to contain everything. I am aching. I have lost many good things in my life due to impulsiveness within the last 3-4 years. Though I have just started using again recently, alcohol and depression have cost me so much within that time span. I’m unemployed, my bills are skyrocketing, I can’t seem to do anything, my mind is set on ending my life. Progression seems so dangerous when such a fall could cost me so much. 10 years clean, I was, for it to come crashing down in a matter of a few days. 

Now what? I pray I stay, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, but God, I just wish I could die. Even rereading this makes me feel as small as a grain of rice. I’m humiliated.