anyone else feel so misunderstood, that they feel like an alien? 

it’s almost everyday i’m going through things, and it’s almost everyday i don’t talk about said things. 

i’ve been told i’m not ugly, but everyday i see myself in the mirror differently. one day i seem “normal”, while another day i seem like a mutated toad. my nose will look fatter at the bottom, my eyes are more “hollow”, my cheeks are droopy, my chin looks like it’s squished upwards. some days i don’t even look in the mirror. i feel like a monster. 

i’ve been told i’m just crazy, but everyday i swear i get the right vibes from people. as soon as anyone starts talking to me, i get “vibes”. i call them vibes, cause it’s what i feel with people when i’m around them. “toxic, chill, rushed, focused, distracted, importance, hungry, excited.” i’ve dealt with rumors being spread around me, and it’s led me to recognize body language too much… the avoidance, the “key” conversations, and the awkwardness. i feel delusional.

i’ve been told things i’ve said before, that i can’t remember. it makes me feel so stupid. cause some days i’ll go remembering things i forgot, and other days i’ll go forgetting the things i remembered… and end up remembering other shit i forgot. it’s a constant cycle of “what is this?” to “this is it”, and those cycles lead me to feel &amp; behave accordingly. i’m always “changing” or i’m just a hypocritical, double standard, lying asshole. i feel hateful towards myself. 

i’ve been trying to be a person i want to be. someone i can feel fulfilled with, someone i can BE. but anything i say or do is considered to be mean or a lie. so much trying has been met with the same, “nah, shut tf up, that’s not true, yeah same but it is what it is, you’re not like that, i know you better than you know yourself” BULLSHIT. 

i’m pushed aside and left to deal with my own problems cause people ONLY judge me based on my looks. “oh she’s pretty, and has scars all over her arm. she knows what she did, she should feel ashamed of herself. she doesn’t need to keep acting depressed to get attention.” is all i see on people’s faces when i mention any hardship i’m going through. 

like.. do people really need your lore to not be inconsiderate? i was raised in an abusive household. and every time we moved, it was like my parents introduced a new way to abuse their kids. first, it was dealing with my dads sexual addiction. then, it was dealing with them verbally fighting and arguing. then it escalated physically, and it was dealing with violence and gun threats. after my dad left to be with another woman, my mom got with another man and had her 4th &amp; last child. my other siblings were there, almost like they were just watching everything happen. i was the ONLY ONE in our family, trying to keep it all together. i “helped”(basically did it myself) to raise my younger sister, while helping to maintain a healthy relationship with everyone. and while having to be focused on getting enough sleep, AND while having to be focused on graduating high school.

i’ve given up on family now though. i waited too long for something to change, only to realize that nothing ever changed. my family will always look out for themselves, and not ever give a shit about what i went through. 

thanks for reading, if you made it this far. i know i’m a mess…