It hurts so badly, and no matter how much I try to describe it, it is hard for others to understand how painful this is. I wish they could just feel it for a moment and I can say this is how I feel nearly every day of my life just so they could understand. I try to mention it is just like physically being in pain in a lot of ways. Just wanting it to stop, the tears, the pain, the want to be put out of my misery, and for others to understand how crippling intense emotions can be with this mental illness... 

I just want everyone to understand I'm doing the best that I can while I'm burning alive and there are symptoms from all this pain. 

I feel the urge to rip open my chest just to free this fire that is plaguing me or at least let it cool off a bit. 

I'm sorry I am this way. I never asked for this. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. It hurts so... so... so... badly while everyone just looks to me puzzled and figures I'm just being difficult when I'm unsure how I'm going to survive. It drives me crazy how a physical illness/issue can be taken so much more seriously while I'm just burning alive and gasping for hope. Barely surviving while no one understands since it is invisible and they cannot relate. I want to be happy, but I rather not feel at all than to keep feeling this pain.

I'm still a human being who wants to be happy and free of pain. It is impossible for me to express myself without long winded metaphorical rants that no one is going to understand since there are NO WORDS to describe all this. People don't take emotional pain seriously... I don't think they mean to be that way. How are they to make sense of it if they never feel it and it can't be seen?  How can they understand it when a mental illness such as BPD isn't well known?  I feel like an outcast and I feel so alone. I'm tired of hiding my pain, but no one wants to hear about my emotions stabbing me over and over again until I'm on my knees daily. I don't blame them... I need to help myself, but I can't. I can't afford help, I do try to use DBT skills that I've learned, I try to be a good person... yet I feel like this curse is going to be what ultimately destroys me to the point it takes my life one day. I need help, I need someone to understand, I need... peace. 

Even in the middle of the storm, my goal is simple: Peace.

Please... Life, world, biology, mind, higher power, fate.... whatever... 

Give me peace... 

Please... before this fire turns me into nothing but a pile of ashes.

I'm so sorry I'm this way. I wish it could get into a cage match with it and rip its head off. Stop plaguing me... No one deserves this. I'll never forget the pity in the psychologist's eyes when he diagnosed me. It was as if he knew I'd forever be this damaged and sick soul. 

I hate BPD. 
