I'm 20 years old and the last summer I dated a girl for the first time. 

I thought that from that moment my life could be much better... It happened the opposite. I was not depressed, rather my life was decent, but I was ashamed of never having been engaged and so I stopped ignoring girls.

From the first date, the unbelievable happened: i started to fell in depression because i couldn't stand girls' rejection. 

I dated 3 girls and they all rejected me, i managed to kiss one of them, i didn't have sex but It doesn't matter that, my problem isn't my virginity.

I did not expect this mental breakdown. I started to be very in need of love. Nowadays I'm not dating girls anymore to protect my mental health, but my mood Is constantly changing, day by day.

I don't care anymore that i never had a girlfriend, I even don't care about those girls who rejected me... the problem now is that about 50% of my days are made by depression. I'm recently improving but it's not enough, i can't accept to be depressed.

I use to daydream to cure me when I'm depressed for too long. I have fantasies about success and power that give me some hope in the darkest moments (yes, i've some narcissistic traits), but those fantasies also make me waste a lot of time.

I'm not part of incels communities, I'm not misogynist, I don't give a fuck about blackpill, redpill and other magical theories. I just wanna be happy and be able to control my internal emotions.

I can't going on therapy now because I'm saving money to leave my parents house in 1 year.

I would like to know if the same thing happened to someone and how he/she resolved