So, just going to say before I even type this up, my brain is an absolute clusterfuck right now. Anyways, I'm 19, and for the past month I've been dealing with really awful POCD among other themes. I haven't been able to catch a break at all and I'm completely exhausted. This illness is defiling everything and everyone I love. On that note, I have a friend who I have quite a crush on and have known for a good while now. They are 21. However, my brain is implanting this scenario in my head of: "what if they are actually 16?", and then I have to test this scenario and see if I would "hesitate" at continuing to talk to them, eventually I "tested" the scenario in my head enough that I became confident that I would not continue to pursue them, but my OCD keeps saying "what if you would hesitate to stop talking to them?" but then I say no, but I still don't feel certain and my OCD is just killing me. Then whenever I feel almost certain I would not hesitate to stop talking to them, my brain says: "you would only stop talking to them only because you have a secret desire for them even if they were 16" and now my OCD is saying like that if this were somehow true, me discontinuing the friendship because they end up being 16 in this scenario is me admitting that I am a pred*tor, and then I fear like what if in that scenario I stayed friends with them, but what if my thoughts slipped and my feelings resurfaced and I tried to justify a relationship in my head but I didn't do it, oh my god it's all so hard to even explain, I feel like I sound completely crazy and all I want to do is cry, I can't live with this anymore