i wrote out something kind of long before scrapping it and remembering i’m just crossfaded, and no one is here to listen to me ramble about my life.

i guess what i wanted to say boils down to, after the amount i’ve grown and gone through, i was sure things would get bad, but i would’ve never expected to have ended up in a place of suffering as much as i have been, despite all of my best efforts. normally i can be proud of myself for achieving in spite of what I’m dealing with. but now, i am so exhausted from keeping up with functioning externally while juggling mental hell for months that i have no concept of joy, ambition, or pride.

i made peace with being mentally ill a couple years ago. i’m not sure what the fuck happened since, but now it’s looking like i don’t know who i am, my life isn’t mine anymore, and i’m being strung along by the sheer will inside of me that never stops trying even when no part of me wants to-and it’s not even a will, just a force that doesn’t feel like mine, but rather something i am bound by. And it’s made inescapable by the fact that there are no mistakes of mine or shit circumstances beyond my control to attribute any of the brokenness to and find comfort in the pain of- quite the contrary lately. i worked to improve my circumstances and avoid harm. learned to take care of myself and focus my efforts on improving my life and building my future. and it worked to some extent- the only thing holding me back right now is my brain…

unlike past rough spells i’ve learned from, this one only seems to be teaching me: ‘no matter how much you manage to do right, this illness will still be around, and it will still have control’

maybe this is a new type of depression i haven’t experienced yet. but it is the most cutting, cruel, vivid, and real. I made peace with being bipolar after 7 years of it, but i’m 2 more deep, and if this is what the future holds, i don’t want it. i dont fucking want it

i said i wasn’t going to ramble at the start of this and then proceded to do it anyway so i’ll leave it there