As I sit here now in front of my computer, I think back to how not so long ago I was in front of the same screen about to write my final goodbye. Although I am so pleased with how far I have come, I know deep down I have so much further to go. So, with that said, this is me, admitting to myself, that **I am not ok**! But it’s ok not to be, and even though I know I am very much not alone with this feeling, it is so hard at times to not feel lost, scared and left questioning my very existence and my purpose of my being here.

One day I hope to be able to say these things out loud and to those around me, but for now, even hiding behind my computer writing these things is challenging. However, even now there is a feeling of relief within me and I am experiencing that rare feeling of happiness and pride within myself for doing so! Chances are if you are here reading this, then try it. Out loud or in your head, if you are too feeling that overwhelming sensation of sadness, anxiety, worthlessness, or just feeling down right now, admit to yourself that you are not ok.

I think i should make it clear up front, i am not a writer, don’t claim to be and i am sure my old school english teacher would find it hilarious i am attempting to write! I also need to say I am not trained in any way to advise or support people suffering from mental health challenges; this is just me putting my thoughts, feelings and emotions on “paper” to share my journey and hopefully inspire/ support others to do the same.

So now it’s time for me to become vulnerable, open up and explain where I am in my journey in what I am calling Finding My Happiness. I would say for the past 10 years I have been challenged (I don’t like the term suffering) with High Functioning Depression and Anxiety and enough is enough i cannot go on like this. To those of you who may not have heard that term before, the best way to describe it is

***“A person who is challenged by both / either the overwhelming feeling of depression and / or anxiety, however can hide this from those around you and still operate within society without anyone being aware of your struggles”***

For me, I feel I have many masks (Ironically I also feel that hiding behind my computer is also a new mask, but one I would like to one day dispose of as my confidence grows), I have one for work, my family and my friends group. I have been wearing these different masks for so long now, I feel I have forgotten who I really am and who I would actually be if I didn’t feel the need to hide my true emotions and feelings. This can be so tiring and at times, and heightened by seeing other people who on the surface appear to be so much happier than I am. It’s ridiculous when I think about it really. I know i have my many masks i use to cover up how i truly am feeling and no one is any wiser; however i refuse to let myself believe that maybe that person laughing on their phone walking down the street, or that checkout staff who is oh so friendly or even one of my best friends who is cracking jokes isn’t also trying to cover up what they are actually feeling.

Have you ever been to a social event where you are physically present but all you can think about is why am i not enjoying this as much as everyone else appears to be? Even the things that used to bring you joy and pleasure in your life, now just makes you think what is the point. What is the benefit or purpose of me playing this game, going out with friends, watching this film etc. Why do I now deny myself those small moments of happiness when everyone else appears to be casually going through life without a care in the world and “living in the moment” so happily and joyful! What makes it even more frustrating is I know deep down this isn’t the case. I know everyone has their moments of sadness, but i will not allow myself to accept that (Ridiculous i know right!). Determined to convince myself that I am unique in this, I am the only person who feels this way and this is it now; my mind will never allow myself to just be “happy”.

***Happiness Definition:***

***“The state of pleasurable contentment of mind; deep pleasure in or contentment with one’s circumstances.”***

But what is happiness? What is it that I / you are looking for that we feel will make you happy? I guess for everyone it is different. For some it is a new car, a big house, maybe spending time with their family, new experiences etc. A thought I have spent years thinking about and still I don’t know what it is. I have spent years in the rat race working hard within companies, working my way up the career ladder and in return earning more money each year as to me, that is what would make me happy! And did it? Did it f\*\*\*! Hilariously the more money I have earnt over the years the more i have realised it is not giving me the joy i thought i would! If anything it has made me more depressed as the more i earnt, the more i want to earn! And what did I do with all this money? NOTHING! Wouldn’t treat myself or spend it on myself on the things I always wanted, instead I used it to invest in the hope my investments appreciated and in return I would have… you guessed it! More money that still wouldn’t bring me happiness! It is this that made me realise that if I am ever going to find my happiness, then I need to make some big lifestyle changes as the path I have been on so vigorously all my working life has led me to this point and it’s time to change direction.

Enter the blog! This is why I have decided now to start this; not only to start opening up and being honest with myself about how I am feeling but the times I can distinctly remember feeling the best about myself is when I have helped someone, or just brought joy to someone else’s life. Now I am a realistic person and if I can get 10 people to stumble across this page and read through my rambling on, then I will be lucky. But even if you are 1 of those 10 and that you can find comfort in my words, that you are not alone and that you do matter, then it would have been worth it.

This blog I am hoping will allow me to unmask more and talk about the thoughts, feelings and emotions I have and experience daily, in an attempt to own these personally, trying to deny their hold on me. Hopefully this will inspire you and others to do the same and together we can defeat this control our mind sometimes has over us, preventing us from enjoying the precious amount of time we have.

I think for now this is where I will leave this first post; time to read back through it now and realise I have not made any sense at all! Next post I think I will discuss something more specific and open up more about certain areas in my life where I am challenged the most!

I am going to leave each post with a cliche thoughtful quote to end on. As much as I hate them, they do always leave a lingering relatable thought in my mind…. SO….

“Everyone wants to be the sun that brightens up someone’s life, but why not be the moon, to shine on someone’s darkest hour?