I (22M) have BPD and C-PTSD. I just had this realisation today. My sister texted me after a night of drinking, doing that stupid childish shit hungover people do where they simultaneously try to garner sympathy for their own dumb choices that they did to themselves while also trying to brag about how fucking “impressive” is that they managed to consume a whole bunch of liquid, like that’s some kinda big cool accomplishment. She older than me but I’m about a month completely sober now so I’m guess I’m starting to see just how fucking childish that whole thing is now. Drinking isn’t impressive, wanna do something impressive? Try not drinking, now that’s fucking hard, especially in social settings.

Anyway, I’m getting lost in that tangent, but point is it got me heated. And I started ranting about it to her, coming up with all the reasons why I thought it was fucking childish and stupid and it made me feel good. Felt motivated and had more energy than I’ve had in a while. I’m realising that this is a pattern for me. I feel better when I have conflicts. I feel better when I have a hard stance and a point to argue and someone’s trying to oppose me on it. 

I feel so much more confident during or after a fight. After I talked to my sister I immediately found I had the motivation to go to the gym, wanted to listen to upbeat music the whole walk there instead of my usual depressing shit and I even finally decided to wear a sleeveless shirt there which I never do cause it shows my self-harm scars. But today I just felt powerful, like if anyone had the audacity to mention the scars I’d just tell em to fuck off.

I just feel so untethered to anything I don’t wanna deal with, someone texts me who I don’t like? Can tell em to get fucked. Run into someone on the street I don’t wanna talk to? Guess who’s getting a big “fuck off”? I can just tell the whole world to fuck itself if it gets in my way.

Don’t really know what to do with this information cause it’s not exactly like I can just seek out fights for a mood boost whenever I start feeling depressed again but it’s still kinda an interesting realisation.