My boyfriend and I have been on and off for almost 4 years now. We’ve broken up for a few days to months at a time but eventually always came back to each other. This time I genuinely just feel so done. For so long he made me feel like I was the toxic one, and once I was formally diagnosed BPD, he used that as even more of an excuse to blame me for all of our arguments/problems. For months now I’ve tried my best to be a better person. My communication has gotten better, I’ve been less explosive, I’ve even got my meds balanced to a point where I actually want to go out and do things together rather than sleep/stay in bed all day. Yet we still fight every single day. He always gets angry over something so small. Then he’ll block me out and a few hours later act like nothing happened. I used to do the same, to be honest. But nowadays I actually bring up the fight later on to discuss it instead of ignoring it and letting it happen again. So I finally realized it’s really not me that’s the issue. I’ve done, and am still doing, everything possible to better myself, while he’s been the same person this whole time. It’s so unfair. I feel like I wasted years on him that I could’ve spent with myself, my friends, my family. I’ve done so much for him. I honestly can’t list a single thing he does to help me or show he cares about me. I just feel used. I broke up with him but now I’m waiting for him to move out. I’m worried he’ll gaslight me into “working on it” and staying just because he knows I’ve caved so many times before. I don’t want to become explosive but I know there’s the potential these next few days he’ll bring it out of me. I don’t know. I’m just so frustrated. I wish people understood just because I have BPD, doesn’t mean I’m an evil toxic maniac. I have so much love to give. I care deeply about people close to me. I try to make everyone happy before even thinking about myself. I wish I could fast forward these next few months so I don’t feel the pain of being alone.