*possible trigger warning* I suffered from child abuse and SA as a child. I’m 21 now, I was 16 when the depression really hit me. 

When I realized how depressed I was I tried to get better. I did band, orchestra, choir. sports; basketball, volleyball, dance, cheer, gymnastics, track, cross country. I was good at art

I tried to read speech’s, did solos to work on confidence. And I tried so so so hard to make friends through anything. I tried to go to parties, talk to people, not feel so alone.

It even got to the point where I would go to random parties, just show up and try to talk to people.

I was MISERABLE the whole time, no matter what I did, what I tried.

I have no family, no friends. I joined college just to have somewhere to live and make experiences while I’m young. No matter how much I try I can’t get over my trauma, I feel stuck. I try and I try but I never feel better. I never make friends. My depression is the worst it’s ever been.

I tried killing myself. It didn’t work, there’s not a therapist who’s been able to help me. I recently got a new one and she looked at me and said “it doesn’t even look like you want to get better” I feel like screaming because I TRIED. Im feeling hopeless because what more can I do, I did everything and it’s been years. Im wasting my life away when I’d be better off dead. I can’t take care of myself anymore. Everything makes me miserable. Im failing school. Wouldn’t someone be better off dead if everything makes them miserable?