I don't have a plan. Every way I can think to kill myself, that I have access to, sounds painful and not guaranteed.

I'm just done. 

The past five years have destroyed me. All my relationships have ended horribly. More than the last five years that's been happening, but not as bad. I had one friend literally try to kill me because he hated me so much. Another kicked me out before our lease was up because she said I was the most pathetic person. My latest group of friends that I leaned on during these times abandoned me because I was too mentally unstable. And now my best friend of five years, the last person I really have left, thinks I'm a monster and wants nothing to do with me anymore. 

What's the point? I've been trying so hard to be better and tell myself I didn't deserve the last few years. But maybe I did. Everyone that gets close to me ends up hating me. 

Why am I still alive?