I’m an extremely anxious type when it comes to relationships - something I’m sure most of us relate to, at least to some degree - and I’ll chase down anything with a heartbeat and an attractive personality. I do have standards, but it seems like those standards are specifically meant to draw me towards trouble. Really, really, really desirable trouble.

By this, I mean avoidants, or at least that general group. I’m not a big believer in binary labling, but it seems to me that practically every close relationship I form adopts some form of anxious-avoidant dynamic; whether it be friends, loved ones, or romances. Everyone I get along with has something negative to say about commitment. “They’re not the type for long-term relationships,” “they don’t like settling down,” “they don’t like getting too close,” etc. It seems practically paradoxical at this point. Especially since 100% of my LTR (year-plus) have been with people that hold these exact beliefs. 

I’m not upset that people think this way. I’m practically envious considering how much I ruminate over abandonment and control. But, to an extent, I just do. not. get it. *How can this many people be so terrified of commitment?* Why am I praised for my openness and empathy when it’s the last thing these people want to associate with? I can’t tell if I live in a place where people are inherently distrustful, or if I consciously/subconsciously seek out these traits when I’m looking for attachment. I love these people regardless, but holy shit, it would be nice for once if I could get someone a birthday present that cost more than $20. I’m sure it has to do with age as well. I’m in college. Weirdly isolating to have to watch myself so often.