I'm 17, homeschooled and for the last 14 years I've lived with my mom and my brother, thats the context.

When I was in first grade I was unfortunate enough to have a very bad teacher. From what my mom told me after a few months into first grade she would pick me up from school sad/sobbing and when she asked I wouldn't answer. After a few more months of this I opened up to her and explained what was really going on, which was my teacher scholding me for every little thing, threatening to throw me out of the school and generally being a piece of shit to not only me, but to all the boys in class. After I explained these to her she obviously got pissed and tried to solve things and whatnot but the damage was already done. 

From that point on I hated school, tried to avoid it at all costs. During that time I also discovered the internet and got my mom's old work laptop to myself. I stood up until 5 am most of the days playing video games just so I could avoid having to go to school longer. I would put up alarms so I could wake my mom up at late hours pretending to feel so sick that I couldnt even fall asleep. I would immediately hop on my laptop when I got back home just so I could avoid the reality that was school. I wasn't even having a bad time at school whenever I attended it, I was actually having some fun from time to time, it was just my past experiences that messed up my view of school. This continued until 8th grade and by then most of my childhood was basically wasted. 

While all this was happening I also had other stuff going on with my mom. She was already not mentally ok when she got married, and getting divorced only made it worse, which lead to her "friends" convincing her to start a business with them (with the help of my shitty grandma). It all crashed down and we basically lost everything we had except for our house. Between this and my school problems I had to grow up fast to help my mom mentally while also trying to avoid reality and skipping school.

So now I am 17, technically still a child even tho I had to grow up fast, 1 year left till I'm an adult, not knowing a single thing about myself. Turns out avoiding reality all your childhood while also being a therapist for your mom doesn't leave you with enough time (or mental health) to figure out who you are as a person. I have no idea what I like doing, who I am or what I want to do in the future at all, and I just feel hopeless. I still play video games all day out of habit even tho I realised, I don't even like games that much, they feel like a waste of time to me. The only thing I feel like I should do is studying seeing as I have to attend my country's stupid college entry exam in a year but I can't even bring myself to do that because I don't know what I want to do for a living either. I'm pressuring myself to hurry up and make up my mind which only makes things worse. And even if I figgured out what I wanted to do I still have no idea about what to do after I graduate, just get a job and spend my life working? I have no interest in releationships and have allways been fine being alone so I literally have nothing to look forward to. I just don't know what to look for anymore.

I can't even bring myself to su!cide either after witnessing my mom pull herself through all that bullshit it just feels like wasting all her efforts of raising me. Its quite ironic how I was the one convincing my friend to not kill herself years ago and now look at me.