I dont even think I want to date him again I'm just feel like I'm obsessed with him and I dont know why. I've tried almost everything to get him off my mind. I've deleted his number, blocked him for months, wrote down my feelings, cried and nothing is working. I've been constantly thinking about my ex for almost a decade now. We met in middle school and I guess I made him my FP without knowing. I was so infatuated with him. I wanted to be with him every second of every day. He always broke up with me though and we would have this on and off cycle every few months. I do feel like that contributed to me possibly developing BPD. 

Long story short we're living together because of extremely unusual circumstances and I fucking hate that I think of him constantly (I wont be able to leave for a long time). After we broke up after high school he started dating this other girl and it seemed like he treated her so much better. The moment he told me he was dating another girl I screamed at him and swore I wasnt speaking to him again (of course I didn't keep that promise smh). I did try to cut him off and I did for 6 months but those 6 months were so emotionally painful. I would wake up in the middle of the night hysterically crying and constantly think about how they were cuddling,kissing, and having sex. Honestly that was my fault because I told him when we broke up that I didnt want to get back together because he was too indecisive, so I was mad at myself and wondering why I was getting angry (I know that was extremely selfish).

They broke up and he still seemed obsessed with her and I was so angry by it. I hated it. I was filled with so much rage and bitterness. I know it's fucking childish but I still felt that way. I told myself to get over myself and that theres so many other people you could date so why are you so obsessed with one person? I told myself he's not coming back and everything nothing worked. I was extremely suicidal and disassociated for a few days because of that on top of dealing with my abusive family. 

We ended up having sex after they broke up. That probably made things worse. Now we live together and I'm wondering why the fuck I'm still attracted to him. A lot of the time I tell myself he treated her better than he treated me and when we used to argue I used to say that. He would tell me why I'm I comparing myself to other people and how that's not true, but I dont believe him. I'll wonder if I was more attractive would he be asking me to be his girlfriend right now? Then I go through this period of self loathing (I know it's pathetic). Like today I've been wondering if I'm even attractive because of how a lot of people have treated me (my life hasn't been great). I have been to therapy and I cant go back at the moment because of financial reason. 

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone had some advice or something to share. I just feel like a nut most of the time obsessing over someone that doesn't obsess over me and sometimes I just want to kill myself because it gets extremely overwhelming. That's not the only reason I did cut my entire family off because I was living in an extremely toxic household and it became too much for me, but I cant believe I even think about him in this way when he's not thinking about me like this. I hate it.