There is so much that has been going on in my life ever since I came to terms to deal with my mental health issues. 

Growing up wasn't easy as a kid as my household was extremely unstable, mentally and physically abusive. This was all happening without me really knowing it (you know being a kid and all, or just the mere fact that I might have been so naive in believing the world is a safe place). For me this was normal. I only fully realized that my life's story turned out to be a whole book of case studies of "how not to live a normal childhood". So without going into too much detail, I experienced a lot of distrust and psychological manipulation from my surroundings that I had extreme difficulty with trust in other relationships in my life. I was always the fool, got cheated on basically in all my relationships because i finally believed (for some fucking hope in this world) that there is someone trustworthy and that I can open my heart to. Lo and behold, I was dissapointed yet again. Now this shit really starts to fuck with your mind after some time.

Fast forward to te age of 21 and I met the girl of my dreams, we ended up getting married and both have very successful careers. So it was only during my 30's that I realized that my anxiety needed to be dealt with for the sake of my relationship and the sake of my career. Got diagnosed with GAD with depression not otherwise specified. Obviously it was one of the most difficult things that I could have done, to trust someone with my story and to trust that they would be able to understand and assist me with developing the tool in order to work through my anxiety. It was difficult but it was the best decision of my life. However, soon after I started to see the world differently and I started to feel that I have a voice again. That I also have feelings that matter and that I also deserve love, respect, comfort and basically all the things I was deprived of as a kid. 

Basically I use to feel worthless and had to work very hard to please my parents wishes which was obviously never good enough. Besides my father's constant negativity and not ever receiving any form of recognition for any achievements that I have accomplished. Nothing was ever good enough for him. So I developed assurity issues, I will work myself to death and still not be satisfied with what I have accomplished (Impostor syndrome if you may), which kinda burned me the fuck out. Hence I had to seek therapy.

Ok so to get back to the main issue. I am not sure if I'm being the asshole here but I truly feel (because I truly know what it feels like to have a voice now and I have learned to allow myself the privilege of being honest with myself) that my wife might be using my mental health issues against me as a form of avoiding accountability for issues in our relationship. It just really feels like I am trying very hard for her to understand my perspective but it just seems that each argument or altercations we have comes back to me being the issue. The main problem here is that I crave sexual intimacy and intercourse itself. I need that spark in my life as I feel that it is going to waist. It's extremely difficult as she is not a very touchy person, she use to be but I guess that is what comes with age perhaps?

I have spoken to her on multiple occasions about this. However, every time I mention anything related to sex (fuck I can't even make a kinky joke and she rolls her eyes at me) she just either avoids the conversations or get extremely emotional (angry, sarcastic, sad, sometimes even aggressive). So I have totally avoided any form of romantic gesture or initiation due to the mass amounts of rejection I receive. Now that had ended up making me feel extremely neglected, not just physically but also emotionally. I can't sleep because I feel so fucking shit about not being a good husband to my wife. But guys I have tried and it does not seem to pay off. She did mention that she gets turned on through me doing her ll sorts of favors etc. However, how can I do this if I get rejected at every corner? I feel extremely anxious and have been for some time now. Lack of sleep is finally taking its toll and I am not sure if it's just me freaking out and overthinking everything again or am I being gaslit atm? I seriously don't know what to do. I really love my wife but I'm not sure if she is even aware of the fact that she is doing this. I'm too afraid to even go speak about this to her due to  the fear of another fallout which will most probably be due to my negligence in some way or form. Dunno, have I finally lost my fucking mind, because it sure feels like it, it's difficult to distinguish certain realities because I'm constantly being told that I'm not a good dude. That I' not being supportive. I can assure you that this is not the truth and this has made me think that she is gaslighting me to avoid her own insecurities about her sexuality.