I'm 22 and living with my boyfriend. He doesn't understand BPD, keeps saying he wants to, but doesn't do the research or try to understand when I'm having a meltdown. Instead he antagonizes me, follows me around, and calls me horrible names. When I beg for him to stop he says I deserve it because I do the same to him when I'm in an episode. He's partially correct - I USED to do this. I've since stopped after I realized my BPD rage episodes trigger his PTSD and that it's cruel of me. I'm not perfect and I still can get angry and yell, but I do eventually realize that I need space and I'll excuse myself from the situation until I feel better. 

I don't really have friends, so no one to talk to. My family thinks I'm happy and doing great. I've also recently come to the realization that I may be on the spectrum. I feel so alienated and alone. Even I don't fully understand myself and it's scary. I swear to god I'm trying SO hard every single day but no one believes me. I try to celebrate little victories like going grocery shopping alone or doing a deep clean on my cat's litter box, but most of the time I feel stupid celebrating something that a typical person can do with ease.

I'm just so tired.