Every single day for months, I’ve woken up with awful anxiety. I wake up before my alarm and immediately my heart is racing, skipping beats, and my stomach cramps up. I immediately have the urge to poop. I get diarrhea every day, multiple times a day from the anxiety. That has cause hemorrhoids. I lose my appetite, everything sounds gross and trying to eat makes me gag. 

I think it’s because my old job left me with some horrible trauma, and even though I’ve started at a new company that is infinitely better, I am still anxious about work. And I know it’s about work because I just spent this past week visiting family out of town and didn’t wake up with anxiety once, until the last day when I knew I’d be going home and would turn on my work phone to a million texts and emails. I love my job, I don’t understand why it’s causing this much pain. 

I barely slept at all after I got home. I think I got maybe one hour of sleep total. Yesterday, I got my calendar ready for the week, weeded through the emails I could delete and the ones that need attention today, made a nice healthy lunch for today, and set out clothes. I watched tv, played some video games, and went to bed early. I thought this would help. No, I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm again, immediately needed to poop, and my heart has been racing ever since. I’m choking down a piece of toast for breakfast. I’ll probably poop two more times before I leave to see my first client and I’m sure I’ll feel like pooping the entire drive there. 

My therapist told me it’s likely that my central nervous system is reacting to the trauma of my last job because my body doesn’t know I switched jobs. That makes sense. But I’ve been at the new company for a month and a half now and have had nothing but great experiences. When I start working and get into my groove, the anxiety goes away, but I am so tired of starting every single day like this. Once the anxiety fades, I’m starving but because I waited so long to eat, I get nauseous. 

I have bipolar disorder and GAD. I take an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer and a bunch of supplements. I do yoga regularly. I go on 30-60 minute walks daily. I take breaks throughout my work day to breathe, play piano, hang out with my cats, anything calming. The only caffeine I drink is one small cup of coffee in the morning. I don’t know what to do anymore. Make it stop.