I have no one I can talk to. I am in incredible amounts of pain.  I have had my trust broken by mental health orgs, professionals, my parents and now all my friends. 

When I was a teenager, things I said in therapy ended up published in the Toronto Sun with identifying information. 

My parents photocopied my journals and gave them to lawyers and the Crown Attorney. 

Workers would disclosed my stories to my peers in support programs. This happened many times. 

My mom was shown beside me on TV when I was supposed to be kept anonymous. 

My friends resent me for not going to therapy. They resent me for emotionally unloading on them.  I know I shouldn’t do that to them.  But I can’t control it sometimes. I’ve gotten better, I’ve learned to ask first. Accept when they say no. I truly don’t mind. 

I just don’t know who I can trust to say how I’m feeling. How do I cope with having bipolar without access to a tool like therapy? Or friends for that matter.  

The kicker is I so desperately want to go to therapy. I’ve done so many consultations with therapists. I’m turned off at the first word out of their mouth. Immediately don’t trust them.  I zip right into hypomania and then a hard drop into depression. 

My head is yelling at me all the time, I’m frustrated cause I had to change meds last year and I’m still pretty fuck up from it.  I have not stabilized yet. I never really had to deal with hypomania. Depression was my main living place. I developed TD from the type 1 antipsychotics I was on for 18 years. And I had to change meds.  I hardly know how to deal with my break through symptoms anymore. 

The majority of my peers from those programs are dead or in jail. By all measure, I have a pretty normal fucking life.  I’m pretty much on par with friends and coworkers who never been at risk for death or jail like I have. 

I thought to myself one day last month  “when I tell a therapist my story they could write a book…..oh god what if they write a book?” And I cried.