A year ago I lost my fiancée, nothing dramatic, she simply left. 7 years gone. She took my dream home with her though, foolishly we never married and I let her keep all the big assets in her name. I invested a lot in that place but that’s not what’s important.

All in all I landed on my feet. I’m in a really nice apartment, I got my first job in my ‘dream industry’ and I’m fitter than I’ve ever been. I’m working hard at my career, gym every day, I’m doing everything I’m supposed to. It’s not working. I’ve been doing it for a year. By all accounts I should be grief free and flourishing post relationship according to, well everyone.

I come home to an empty place. I make food for myself. I basically wait until it’s time to sleep and do it all over. I miss my fiancée. I miss my dog. I miss dancing with her in the kitchen. I miss movie nights cuddling with the dog. I miss going on day trips. I miss feeling like I was building a family, a future. I feel like I’m in the shadow of my former life, and my former life was so grand it’s a shadow I can’t outrun.

I can’t date, nobody is interesting or attractive to me. I don’t have to stamina to do it all over. I’m not the person I was when I met my ex, carefree and excited to find someone I connect with and share my hopes and dreams with. Depression has hollowed me into a husk. The level of engagement I’m capable of with another person is now lower than a chat bot.

It’s not getting any easier, or harder for that matter, I just feel cast adrift on a still ocean with no horizon. I also happen to be very thanatophobic and do not want to die, not at all, I just want my old life back. But it’s not coming back. I feel like I died a long time ago and am now simply waiting for it to take effect.