Just discovered BPD. 

I identify strongly with 7 of 9 symptoms. 

Happy that there is hope. 

But so overwhelmed by how difficult it is to control my emotions (something I've never tried). 

I'm physically exhausted. 

Employers know something is up. 

I guess it's quite noticable. 

Can't give up because I'm realizing how many I've hurt. I don't want to be this way. I don't ever want to treat people like that again. 

The tears come out of nowhere, seemingly unprovoked, something that hasn't happened since I was a teenager with severe depression. 

I know it's because I have so much on my plate. Because this is a bigger part of my life than I first realized. 

I thought it would be easier to control. To watch the mood swings pass me by. 

I never realized how strong these emotions were until I tried to fight against/through them. 

Keeping my at risk wife safe from covid. 

Regulating BPD. 

Working at job (I used to absolutely love) where nobody cares about pandemic safety. 

I thought it was going to get better, but it has only gotten much harder.  

I feel if I don't quit this job, it's going to kill me or my at risk wife. 

But I don't know if I'm being irrational. Impulsive. 

It's not easy for me to decipher how I'm feeling anymore. 

This probably doesn't make much sense. 

But it's 4 am, I can't sleep or stop crying, and I have to be up for work in 4 hours. I hope tomorrow is better.