I was diagnosed with BPD in 2012. I deal with other mental health and physical issues and 2020 was hard, to the point I tried to kill myself. 2021 isn't being much better because dealing with mental health issues while also dealing with other chronic conditions and struggling with a bunch of other stuff has been ruining the last bit of sanity I had left. Lately I was feeling okay, I wasn't happy but I was somewhat stable but I have been feeling different these last few days and it's been really bothering me because this feeling is making me feel suicidal.

I think most people with BPD get obsessed with stuff. I do. Movies, music, bands, singers, actors, even a book. I'm nothing without my obsessions, they become who I am and for a period of time I'm happy. My last two obsessions lasted longer than usual and I'm now growing out of the last one and getting obsessed with something else. This new obsession happens to be a person and it's making me want to die. I want to be with them, I want them to like me, to see me but they never will because I'm an average looking woman who suffers from several chronic conditions that stop her from being able to enjoy life. Who would want that?

So I have been walking around feeling empty, feeling like I'm not enough and while I'm infatuated with this person I have also been trying to stay away from them. I don't check their social media, I started trying to avoid thinking about them. I was so happy with my last 'obsession'... It was safe, it didn't hurt and now it's gone and I feel lost. I have been acting weird, trying to dress differently, acting differently, I feel more sensitive and emotional, everything makes me cry and this on top of my untreated depression and my chronic health issues is literally killing me. I was doing fine with the occasional suicidal thoughts but now they're back.

Can someone please help me try to make sense out of this? This is so uncomfortable, I feel like I want to crawl out of my body and just not be me anymore. What is going on? How do I cope with this?