This post is little more than a rant. A sad ass reflection on my current existence.

Im engaged and six months away from a wedding. My fiancé and her family wants an expensive and more extravagant day than what I’d hope for. Her and her family are content to light $30k on fire for a glorified party with food and booze for a huge family. But fuck me for suggesting a small ceremony lol. We are in a dead bedroom. We haven’t had sex in 6 months and we’ve fought constantly over the wedding and other dumb shit, but by fucking god we are excited to plan a wedding. We don’t have sex anymore, our relationship is rotting, and she refuses counseling, but at least we will get to be a princess for a day, right?

Im fucking up all over creation at my day job. Always getting my ass chewed and failing even though im trying my ass of and asking for help. 

I coach a lacrosse team part of the time and our team is not good. Immature players with no desire to be there or work hard to win. Just lazy and wasting my damn time. Im committed for a season but I won’t be going back. Just another nail in the coffin though as it’s another negative time commitment in my life. Going on my own time and gas and losing with a group of people who don’t give a shit if they lose drains you.

I have a business I operate on the side restoring furniture. Im trying to grow that business and find it hard due to All my other time commitments.

Outwardly, I am an extrovert. Im going hard and trying to be high functioning but I am so tired on the inside. So fed up. Defeated as shit. I’ve come farther than I once was In life. I have more and I do more. I have been on cocktail after cocktail of medications and thousands spent on therapy and im still not happy and want to kill myself.

I guess when all this shit gets to be too much I can always yeet and be done. I do forget that I can just be dead and I don’t have to file a form, plan for it, suffer torturous social interactions. I can just go to sleep and be done, no more fighting to have shit, to be happy, and to hunt for purpose.

At some point I’ve just had to ask myself whether any of this work and shit is worth it. 5 years ago all I asked and prayed for was to be where I was at right now because then I would be happy… nope. Wrong. And that is enough to make you say fuck it and leave this world. When i was at rock bottom and I asked for a just a semblance of financial security and peace, I felt I’d be fulfilled to just be better off. I’m better off but I’m far from better. I’m the same if not worse mentally. And I think I’m almost completely done and ready to give up the life thing. Why do it when I can see the point? Do it for others? Because they will be sad? Probably better now than before I’m married, kids, have people who really depend on me.

Might stage my death in downtown where it may be cased as a murder. That life insurance would kick in at least