So, I love classical music. I was in youth orchestra through high school and loved it, but had to stop performing in an ensemble once Covid hit. Now that it's my last year of college, I decided to join the on-campus orchestra. I spent all summer practicing violin and worked really hard on the audition material, but when I went in for the audition today, I was really, really nervous. All these people who already knew each other were standing around chatting, which sort of made me feel really out of place. Some people came up and tried to make small talk, but my anxiety was so bad, I could tell I was being really awkward and saying things that I knew probably weren't making a good impression, although they were nice, so if I said anything that bothered them, at least they didn't show it. Then I went in, and when I was playing the audition material, I froze twice while playing because I was getting really nervous, and I know I messed up a lot. Fortunately, everyone who auditions gets in (the audition just determines where you're placed), but I just felt so bad because I've done a lot better when I was practicing for the past few months, and I knew I could have done better. Plus, I felt like I gave the impression of being unprepared in front of the conductor, who seemed nice enough, but this was something really important to me, and I was scared of coming across like I didn't care and wasn't putting in the work. I knew I could have done so much better, but I'm terrible at playing alone in front of people and have a really deep fear of being judged, so I just felt really scared. I managed to keep myself together in front of people, but cried a lot as soon as I was alone. Now I'm just waiting for the results, and although I know I won't get a good placement, I just want to know where I'll be. I just feel like I embarrassed myself in front of this conductor, whom I'll be working with all year, and I know I should have done better, and that I had the ability to do better as well. I wish I could redo it, but I wouldn't want to put myself through all that anxiety and stress again.