Now, the 2010's were, awful, just awful. Wall to wall shit for me at least. My family let me down, friends let me down, institutions let me down. I became suicidal for the first time in late 2018. I lived in Washington and I had no family, no home, no job, no money, no hope. I was making preparations to go and buy some heroin and overdose in the woods. I just wanted it all to end.  


But you know what, I didn't do it. I figured a way outta things. The only thing on my mind was how nice it would be to die and be done with it all. All the bullshit.  


And I mean, I got on pills but I still found the world sucked and I was constantly miserable. This is where I entered the second time of suicidal idealization. All the hugbox bullshit of "suicide prevention" is strangers shouting niceties at you like the Confessional in THX 1138. I'm sorry, but a random commentor on the internet doesn't know me and frankly, doesn't give a shit about me. If I blew my brains out, the world would not really care. I'm a nobody. Most people, if you killed yourself, it is not gonna be "Its a Wonderful Life"-shit where everyone will miss you. If you are a regular nobody then hardly anyone will give a shit when you are dead. Its a fact. The people who do will move on with their own nobody lives and nothing will begat nothing.  


Listen, if you are suicidal and really want inspiration to keep living, I will refer you to the ideas of Albert Camus. His argument against suicide is flawless and always keeps my spirits up: "Life is absurd and suicide will only serve to make your life that much more absurd."  


You kill yourself, some jackass you hardly knew in high school will jump at the opportunity to say how well they knew you and how much they'll miss you. That person will go on to see a shitty Netflix movie that woefully shows what mental illness is. This shitty movie will star Joey King. Your former high school friend will evoke your name to encourage people to see this hallow corporate product.  


That would be my definition of hell.  


When I was five, I saw a clown of vans in North Idaho pulled over with each clown lined up alongside the van handcuffed while being arrested. That image sticks with me and keeps me going. That scene taught me that life was absurd at 5. Im so thankful lol.