This is the most frustrating thing in my relationship. We have been together for almost four years, and I truly believe he is the love of my life, but for some reason whenever we get into a fight I “break up” with him in the middle of it. I don’t mean it at all, and I absolutely hate that I get into this mental space when we fight. I have been getting better, as in not mentioning breaking up when we fight for six months, but tonight I just broke. 

I had a break down and just split. I said it, and of course didn’t mean it. I’m very self aware of my BPD and understand I have a fear of being abandoned, and I assume that if I’m the one who breaks up with him I will be in control and not have to deal with the heartbreak like I did with my ex. My mother also would constantly threaten to leave my father, which clearly has made an impact on my life. I understand the reason why, but sometimes it feels like I’m not even the one saying it and I can’t control what I say when I just get in that state. My rational brain is watching my BPD destroy my life, and it sucks.

Thankfully, we talked it out fully and I explained in depth why I reacted to the extreme. It just sucks and I’m honestly terrified I will ruin my relationship because of this. More importantly, it’s not fair on my partner at all. It’s just not okay and I know this, but it’s just hard at times to stop myself when I’m in that state.