**[the cycle of summer]**

i got broken up with three weeks ago and after talking to my mom the day after, i finally admitted that i needed help and to talk to someone.

all throughout high school (im a senior, 17yr) i was able to hide  self-destructive and alienating thoughts about myself from other people, being as social as i could. i made sure to be the funny (jury is still out on that) one in whatever friendship or friend group that would cycle in and out each year. 

every year i make friends, talk to them at school/snap/insta sometimes, then id lose them when the summer began. never would be invited to things outside of school. this cycle has been unending since 7th grade (where the “high school” form of school starts for my district, basically where you have 7 or 8 different classes and teachers, not just one class and one teachers), and really made me start blaming and hating myself for being the reason why. it eventually lead to internally alienating myself from friends, especially during covid, and that did not help matters im sure. in my head, whatever happened, i knew i had a long and lonely summer ahead.

i fell in love ! as you do

it was at the beginning of this year, january, long distance. it was and is the first time i truly was in love, and felt love from someone outside of my family. i thought this whole cycle would break, finally. i got my hopes up. through a combination of her issues and my inability to share my own troubles, she broke up with me about three weeks ago. 

everything’s gotten worse with my own issues. i am skinny to start with but i can’t even stomach food right now. self-loathing, alienation and isolation, i guess i thought i got all past that with my self-esteem being boosted by her. and, in the end, i just wished i was right for once. i wish i didn’t have to find myself at the feet of another beating summer.

**[popularity of mental illness]**

i have trouble labeling myself as depressed or suffering from mental illness. ive done a lot of research into mental health the last three weeks, partly due to some overarching guilt i feel about not being emotionally available as well as she was for me in the couple times i needed it.

ive got about 60+ pages of notes so far as i go through lectures and books. more i learn about it, the more i think to myself that maybe im not that serious. i keep having to tell myself to stop self-diagnosing it as nothing. i see my symptoms in major depression, and PDD (dysthymia) but i still can’t convince myself. not sure i want to i guess. 

i never wanted to admit this i think due to the current culture around depression. i feel like so many people say they are depressed, or are suffering from mental illness that i didn’t and don’t want to seem like im jumping on a sort of bandwagon or trend. not sure if im the only one thinking this way. it’s become so common especially among my generation i just think someone will think im faking it, much like how all of us have probably had that thought about somebody we see online.

thanks for reading.