To add some insight I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and BPD. At a very young age I was sexually assaulted and I was sexually assaulted multiple times by different people ages 16-18. 

I know what disassociating is and I have experienced it often. But, sometimes, usually when I smoke too much and get way too in my head, I have very bad episodes. I start getting a certain feeling or memory that takes me back to my childhood trauma. Though, I experience triggers often, this is a VERY different feeling. It causes me to panic, I shut down, my head is going a mile a minute, I feel like I am going absolutely insane, I feel like I may die, I may cover my face or ears. I start saying things... And I may black out. Afterwards, when I calm down, I don’t remember it.

I feel it is different from disassociating because usually when I disassociate, there is nothing in my mind, I am numb, and I am not present. But during this, my mind is everywhere, I feel like I’m.. going insane. I get certain feelings that are the exact same as how I felt during the assault, I say cryptic phrases, I am aware of what is around me but can’t stop myself, I am in fight &amp; flight mode?? I may punch or push. I may punch my head or bang my knees. I have pushed my boyfriend away (I apologize profusely afterwards and he is very understanding) I may repeatedly yell “Go away go away Leave me alone leave me alone im stupid im stupid” etc

Can anyone say what this is?