Why does it never get better. What am I doing wrong. No one has been able to help me. I have never truly been okay and I honestly don't think it will ever get better. I'm broken. Everything about me is broken.

I hate how overwhelming my emotions can be, but the emptiness still never goes away. I hate feeling everything and nothing at once. The emotions are there, but it's like there's no one to actually feel it. It's exhausting, and going from hating everything and wanting to kill myself to feeling 'okay' and forgetting anything was ever bad in the first place within a few hours doesn't help at all.

I don't know how to get people to understand that me feeling 'okay' sometimes is part of the problem. It doesn't feel real. It's not feeling like nothing interests me or everything is meaningless though. The emotion will still be there, and because it's positive I won't notice any of the negative emotions, but there's still no one there to feel the emotion. I don't know if that even makes sense.

I hardly even know what I experience and what I don't. It feels like I'm lying to myself and everyone around me when I know I'm not. I'll write something in the moment and it makes sense to me then, but a few days later I'll have no clue what I was on about.

I hate being alone but I can't be in a relationship with anyone. I can hardly keep my friends. I always end up messing everything up and I don't know what to do about it because no one can help me. I end up relying on people too much and expect them to always listen to my problems and give me advice or comfort. Sending them 50 texts at 3AM about how much I hate myself - or them - and how broken I am or how they should just leave already because they're already going to eventually. Ignoring or ghosting them for weeks/months. I try so hard to not do these things and so much more but I always fail.

I hate myself and I can't do anything about it. It doesn't matter if I try to change those thoughts when they come up because of how internalized all of it is.

Nothing has helped, and nothing is going to help, so what am I even still doing here. The emptiness, the dysfunctional relationships, the emotional flashbacks, the beliefs about myself that are so internalized that I don't think I can change them, the emotional dysregulation, the years of trauma, the dissociation, and more. My entire identity is broken. I can't remember a time in my life where I wasn't broken.