I'll admit I'm having a rough time coping with my loneliness with the loss of 4 (seemingly) good friends. I mope and I cry and I hang my head low. I share FB pictures of quotes that are depressing and quotes about forgiveness and motivation and getting better. I also post statuses about wanting to go back home to some good friends, and how sad and alone I feel. And I'll admit, I do this so someone will notice my pain and pull me out of this. And I KNOW thats not what I'm supposed to do. 

I was reading my new book, "mindfulness for borderline personality disorder", in the cafeteria, when I received this text from one of the friends who doesn't want me around. Word for word: "You know all this passive agressive shit is  extremely counter productive. I know i said that i might be able to be friends with you again, but i dont have the time or energy to waste dealing with childish drama. I dont believe your apology was sincere. I think you chose [RLA's NAME] because he didnt know everything that was going on and i think you were putting on a show for him".

I have been confessing to this RLA for the past few weeks. He doesnt know a lick of things about mental health, but he's a human being with a compassionate heart that will let me grieve and cry. And that apology took me weeks to muster up. I simply responded: "OK." and promptly went to my room and cried and screamed and thrashed because I wanted to self harm and die and never wake up. It lasted 20 minutes.

I went back down to the cafeteria where my SO was, he promptly told me that I wasnt worthless and dispelled all my self hate. He told me that their message and opinion shouldn't matter to me, because I'm worth more then what they could have given me. 

One of them posted a music video of Big Sean's "I Don't Fuck With You." For those unfamiliar with the aggressive song, here is some lyrics examples: "You lil, you lil dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you
I got a million trillion things I'd rather fuckin' do
Than to be fuckin' with you, lil stupid ass"

and:

"I don't, I don't, I don't give a fuck
Bitch, I don't give a fuck about you, or anything that you do"

and of course:

"Bitch I got no feelings to go
I swear I had it up to here, I got no ceilings to go
I mean for real, fuck how you feel
Fuck your two cents if it ain't goin' towards the bill, yeah
And everyday I wake up celebratin' shit, why?
Cause I just dodged a bullet from a crazy bitch"

All of them liked it. Im numb and feel everything at the same time. I'm fighting urges to self harm and recklessly take pain meds or throw myself down a stairway. I cant focus of studying or my mindfulness book. I'm just... shaking and crying. Why do they hurt me like this? Help please