I (19F) feel so haunted by my past and I don’t know how to get over it. My mom treated me like absolute garbage and I literally never got hugs or kisses from her. My dad was never around and only came around once every 4+ years and he left about as fast as he came. I’ve spent most of my life with my great grandparents because my mom got annoyed with me pretty fast and decided she didn’t wanna raise me. My mom made me move in with her when I was 12 because I went to a friends house in the neighborhood for the first time and she didn’t want me to. I went for a couple years with being locked in a bathroom all day. My mom always asked me why I couldn’t be like my little sister. I would hear them laughing and playing while I was in the bathroom. My mom also hit me a lot and left bruises multiple times. She got to where she made me get up at 4am to shut me in the bathroom while they slept and I wasn’t allowed to go back to sleep so I slept on the tile floor. I tried to talk to my mom a couple times but she told me it was all my fault and even convinced me I had mental problems. She used to force me to sit there while she read symptoms of mental disorders telling me I have them. For a while I believed I was the problem. I had no idea what my mom was doing wasn’t normal. Eventually I moved back in with my grandparents but at this point my grandma had got diagnosed with cancer and had alzheimers. When she died my mom was happy she died and said she deserved it. Fast forward to when I was 16 my mom made me live with her again. I never understood the concept of depression until then. I very quickly got severely depressed and started self harming. I got hit very often and once she even beat me on Christmas and she never bought us anything except food and that was when she wanted to. She eventually kicked me out and I moved away from her and I’m mostly better mentally but what she did still haunts me. I don’t know how much of it was my fault and sometimes I get sad and wonder why she treated me that way. I wonder how things would of gone if I tried to act better then I did. My mom still tells me everything she did was my fault and she’s done nothing wrong. I don’t know how to forget this stuff. I don’t want it to follow me for the rest of my life.