I know people say you’re not your illness, but a personality disorder is different, IMO. Your personality is your daily reality. The person you have to face in the mirror every damn day. I’m not saying they can’t be treated, but left untreated or for particularly stubborn cases like mine that are rooted down to the core, there is no other reality. 

I’m tired of the lifetime of rejection, invalidation, shame, and fear replaying itself through my mind every waking second. I’m tired of always reaching out for some kind of real connection and always finding a way to ruin it or be disappointed by it. It’s a lonely world when you’re afraid to trust anybody, including yourself. To settle for what’s available or easy because you don’t feel worthy of anything better. 

The shame can be soul-crushing. It’s so hard not to blame yourself when you can see everything you did wrong. Even if there’s a good reason for your behaviors, just looking back at yourself can make you want to give up for fear it will keep repeating itself. Even when the good things come, you always wait for the other shoe to drop, sometimes to the point of causing it to. It’s exhausting and lonely and I wouldn’t wish this upon anybody. 

I just want to give a big shout out to anybody else who’s going through some shit right now *hugs*



