Hello all, I want to start by saying Thank you to any who reads this.

I'm 35 and for the past 20 years or more i have suffered from off and on depression. Recently, I've gone through a battle with it that has lasted almost 3 to 4 months. I have had whole weeks where the thought of suicide lingered. 

I want to explain what I have done in the past and recently for a full picture. I have attempted therapy wthroughout my life with a slew of therapists, I tend to overshare or at least not hide anything I'm thinking or feeling or struggling with because I truly want to get better. 

Career wise I'm doing okay, though a new position I obtained recently has been incredibly challenging. I can afford everything to meet my basic needs though.

I have taken many medications for anxiety and depression. While some helped the anxiousness, the depression was never cured. 

I have had serious relationships, never lasting more than 3 years and usually ending in me getting cheated on. Many times I've had differing friend circles but never fully felt like I belonged; always being the awkward 5th wheel.

I have almost no passions outside of playing an MMO. I have tried learning languages, guitar, drawing, making beer, biking-running-lifting-swimming, hiking, writing, etc. You name it I may have tried it. 

I cannot find joy in anything I do. I have zero relational prospects. I asked on FB how single individuals, that is, people that live on their own without support structure how they sty happy and pursue their goals, and they said pursue your emotional health. I don't know how to do that. 

I have zero energy anymore. My friends I can't talk to or they tell me the "seek therapy" instead of listening when I tell them that therapy has never successfully worked for me. I just don't get how anyone goes through life with goals, with learning, with generally just enjoying life. To me, it's so difficult and for what? I die alone, and leave nothing behind? 

I thank you for listening. I'm not sure I'm entirely looking for advice or if I'm even able to be saved. There's a constant hole in my chest that has existed for over 20 years, waxing and waning, but lately it refuses to wane. Thank you again for listening.