I can't be alone because I'm afraid to be a person, I think. Terrified of it.

I can't do anything when I'm alone. I have lots of hobbies, and I have lots of goals. But when I try to do something I enjoy (like drawing/writing) or something that will help me reach my goals (working out), I almost immediately start crying or panicking, and then I have to stop doing it.

I'm completely fine when other people are around and I don't have social anxiety that affects me in any way; we all are a little awkward sometimes, but I love being the center of attention. But I think it's just a coping mechanism in order to deal with the fact that deep down, I am so terribly, horribly afraid of being my own person.

It's more than a fear of just "being myself"; I think it's a fear of HAVING a self. And it's more than just a fear. I think it's only a fear BECAUSE of the crushing, overwhelming shame and guilt I feel. I don't think I can do anything that reminds me that I am a real person that people can conceive without having a full on nervous breakdown. But that can't be it, because I revel in attention and do so many things when others are around.

Why am I like this? I just want to play Just Dance, but when I try, I can't move my body to do anything other than curl up on the floor and sob. I'm so afraid of being alone because I know that when I AM alone, I get too afraid to do anything when I'm the only one around to observe it. I avoid being alone at all costs.

Whenever I'm alone and try to do something I like, I do this. I get so afraid, and I end up feeling what I think is a deep sense of shame, and it hurts so bad that I can't do anything. I was an artist, I was a writer. I'm a musician. All I do is create. But when I'm alone, I can't create it.

Do any of you know what this is, and why it's happening? Have any of you felt it before, and more importantly, are any of you as strongly affected by it as me? I want to be a person so badly but I'm too scared and feel too ashamed.

Why? How do I make it go away? Please help. ;_; I'm so paralyzed.