And I am in shock. For me that was the most embarrassing, desperate, last\-attempt question.. and just was just like "sure, you can. I love you too". So you mean... I can just ask and get love even though I've been emotionally abusive \(to people who didn't love me back \(to be fair, it was more out of desperation than maliciousness but still, didn't make me feel less horrible\)... like it's the easiest thing in the world? So I can, like, love other people maybe? Like maybe I'm okay?    

She's been amazing. I've been seeing her since November when I was in the middle of a downward spiral and fighting with my then\-FP.. and went from seeing her once a week to twice a week to three times a week now \(just till August and then we'll see how it works out\). For me things really clicked like last week when I realized how stuff that happened in my childhood made me the way I am today. Cliche, I know. But I had blocked it out and well, since my mother blamed me for my depression and not wanting to study, I somehow starting just blaming myself and thinking I was the only one with the problem. And not seeing how the moving around, changing boyfriends, one suicide attempt by her \(when I was 5.. she was also in an abusive relationship\) contributed to any of it. I really only had a stable place to live when I was 6. Plus, I got left at other people's home's a lot since she wanted to study. And I was bullied from 1st till 10th grade. In three schools \(it was easy to see the common factor \- me\). And after 6th grade my mother started yelling at me for not doing things \(where before she'd do everything for me\), in high school it got a bit physical \(from my side as well, I was and am no angel\) with one incident her kind of chocking me and being all "I'll kill you" and me being "go ahead". But she did and does love me. And gave me a lot and did a lot for me.. so it just became easier to blame myself. And well, since the rest of the family is pretty awful as well \(as I got to hear from my mother\), I kind of started hating them too, for not being around, for not dealing with their problems. But my mother was the one with the bad childhood \(and I guess it was objectively worse\), so I couldn't really complain.   But yeah, it was a mystery to me why I couldn't get a relationship. Or why I was depressed or anxious or why I displayed symptoms of multiple personality disorders. I just hated people and hated myself. But I guess maybe it doesn't have to be this way.