I (17F) have (undiagnosed) BPD, which I know is so like a typical teenage girl but I fit all nine of the NHS symptoms and have since I first discovered the illness when I was 13. 

I’ve had a few FP’s since I can remember, all of which have been people who haven’t been a good influence or used me for my body (which I was okay with for the validation). Looking back the majority of the FP’s I’ve had I am either really sad or angry and disgusted in myself. I think about them a lot and about five months ago I got a new FP. 

His name is Josh (18M) and he has his own issues with mental health (anxiety and attachment issues which I think were from his past relationships). Sometimes we make out and I’ve helped him out with *explicit* photos to you-know-what to. To me this means nothing but I know he has feelings which I’ve told him won’t go anywhere. He relies on me a lot and likes to meet up and cuddle and someone’s house (with I mean literally) he is going to university soon and I have to stay behind for my BTEC qualification. I do now how either of us are going to cope to be honest because we talk in every free second of the day.

Recently I’ve been noticing Josh get more and more toxic. He’s always been like this but my “black and while thinking” has blocked it out and he has been a literal god who can do no wrong. I’ve been in therapy and have been taking antidepressants for ten months and neither are seeming to help. He is really supportive about all and he does lots of research to better understand me and how I feel, he is probably the best FP I could be blessed with. To start with anyway.

For about a week (a year since a nasty breakup on his part) he was struggling with suicidal thoughts and I was there for him. I was okay with this of course, because above all he is my best friend and I would die to make him happy for even a second. This was all ok, but it caused me to bottle up a lot of my feelings that I was doing really well opening up about previously. Because after his “struggle week” I stopped talking about myself and he filled the gaps with his minor problems (which I treated like major ones and offered lots of help) but I found myself taking on a parenting role for him. Usually I’d be ok with this but over the past month or so it has really been affecting any progress we have made together.

He wants to talk more than I can manage and I’m losing sleep worrying he could be struggling or hurting/making himself sick. While I’m so glad he is open to me, he hates it and shouts when I withhold the truth from him. This often results in him screaming at me or saying it’s all his fault and trying to hurt himself (which makes me feel guilty). I can’t tell if it’s me overthinking but I think he often guilts me into calling him or spending time at his house.

He wants to know how long things are going to take and I have to stick to these times or he threatens to hurt himself. He wants to know who I’m with at all times and where and doesn’t like me talking about past FP’s or my boyfriend of three years. It didn’t bother me to start with but it’s all getting too much. I don’t want to stop being friends, but I know things will have to change when he leaves for university. I don’t know how I wold have a conversation with him about it without him getting angry or upset. 

Apologies for such a long post, I really hope someone can take the time to read this and help me. I’d really appreciate it.