My suicide experience

I was in 9 th grade when my mom passed away due to cancer. It was heartbreaking i didn't want to accept the fact that she was gone i was really close to her and felt that closeness grow after she died. I used to feel her presence near me. Maybe it was the overthinking but yeah then i started seeing her in my dreams everytime it was about her coming back to life or saying that she wanted to be with me , asked me to come with her. It felt so real i used to get happy but everything shattered when i wake up. I was so convinced and missed her that i was ready to be with her. My family members told me that this was not normal and i should stop thinking about her. One day i was just going through my father's phone and came to know about his affair with some girl when he knew my mom was about to die.

 It started when he came to know that through doctors. I was disappointed and flooded with anger. And then i used to cry recalling my mom. After 1 year my father told me that he was going to get married and that the girl was my mother's old friend. The hatred towards them grew on that very day. 
He was married and my step mom was very cunning from the first day. She just tried to break whatever bond me and my father had. She used to put fake charges on us for stealing her things or us having bad intentions. I was so fucked up in that family drama i didn't knew i was going in depression due to that. Everyday she came up with something new and my weak bonding with my father drew me away from him. I always felt like running from home leaving that family. I used to miss my mom more because of her, the things that she used to do. I told my friends in school about this and they supported me they told me to look after my self and to go for a psychiatrist. 
Things got out of hand i used to had fights with my dad, cry for hours, think about my mom and my life with her. I was getting depressed day by day without even realising because everything became very common at that time.

Everything was okay until my overthinking burdened me and made my anxiety worse. I just pressurised everthing and that gave me panic attacks. With all that going i needed assurance that everything would be okay but i didn't see that coming. I had crush on a boy in 7 th standard he even proposed me then but i denied due to personal reasons. But when i saw him in 10 th standard with same feelings i confronted him and told about my crush. From then we were together and it felt really great cause we had a great time. I forgot everything my problems and stress when i was with him or when i talked to him. He used to listen and he knew everything about me. I kind of made myself dependent on him after i lost my mother. He felt like i could trust him and had so much expectations from him. That feeling that he could get me out or everything was so calming. I guess that's what u feel when u try to fill a hole in your life. But then we started having fights(unnecessary) and that used to affect me alot more that the things going in my house. 

I was not able to explain to him about why i was so sensitive and that's why things got worse. I started having anxiety attacks. And believe me they were worst i couldn't breathe cried to myself without any reason and everything was messing up. Then the fights in my house and with him and my anxiety i was not able to handle all so i broke up. Cause he wouldn't understand why i got affected so much and he didn't stop the things he did. I was just sinking in the depression every fucking minute.
Some doctor prescribed me anxiety medications i took them before realising that i was getting addicted. With so much going through i needed closure, support, love. I had those panic attacks i got admitted to the hospital really often. After 2 months i texted him and said that i am sorry and i didn't wanna make things worse and wanted to continue our friendship because i didn't knew that i'd be able to handle that all alone. But after that i realise i couldn't be friends with him because i was in love with him and so it all began again. I opened up as much as i can with him , told him my problems and we even had fights i would cry myself to sleep but then everything would settle. 

I was filled with insecurities and so we had good time but bad times too. He did really help me a lot. He understood when no one else did. He just was some medicine that was able to cure me. He did everything he could but just couldn't make things right for us.  I don't know that feeling and i never want to feel that again but it was a sinking feeling. I used to ignore the things that were going in my house as i was happy with that boy who used to make me feel calm until it was our fights that made things worsen for me. One night i shut myself in bathroom and cried untill my chest started hurting and i felt breathless. I would say all the things added on and made me feel this even i was responsible because i couldn't help myself. That day i went and visited a doctor and upon listening to my experience he said that it was a phase of depression i knew that but didn't wanna accept it that way. My aunt, cousins and boyfriend supported me for that. And told me to go to a psychiatrist 

Then i finally stood up for myself and went to a psychiatrist and told everything to him about my mom and my current situation the dreams . It felt good to take off all that bottled up things. I was prescribed with medicine that frequently changed as they didn't support me and the dose just kept on increasing because of my condition. With everything going on. I just lost myself. My step mother would threaten and create drama about her hanging herself to death. And with the fights and misunderstanding going on with my boyfriend. I was not able to sleep at night. I just wanted good time and that i got when i was with him or talked to him about my problems and everything. But yeah it all didn't disappear when i was alone i felt like crying so hard that i was not able to breathe i frequented panic attacks even on medications. I had a lot a lot going on. My best friend betrayed me even after i gave her many chances. I was having fights and that made me sad and i couldn't think or worse. I couldn't get a hold of myself. 

I went to the therapist and that took a turn because he took advantage of my condition and started misbehaving i had a very bad feeling about that and stopped going to him even when i needed those medications so much. I thought i could use my previous stock and then think about it. But nothing went good and everything was worsening the conditions at my house were very bad and i had no one to talk about how i was getting through all that. When my boyfriend and i used to fight we won't speak for like 10 days and when we did it was just for 1 day and after that same cycle repeats. I was trying my best. But towards the ending of march things happened that just gave me thoughts that i couldn't go further. I had these thoughts of giving up before too but this was ultimate i felt like i was in the darkest phase of my life and it was true. I didn't speak to my boyfriend for like 9 days and that 9 days were like hell and i thought it would get easy so i called him and asked that what does he want even after knowing my condition he replied breakup ( he said that he didn't mean that but at that time it was the worst thing he could have ever said to me).

 I just freaked out i was out of my mind you know with everything going on. I couldn't put my mind on even a single thing and that is when the thoughts of giving up started. I never wanted to feel the way i felt in previous days. It hurted like hell. I called him and met him and when i thought that things couldn't go worse they did. They really did i never saw a side of him like that while fighting and that anger. I just wanted to run as far as possible at that time. I stopped thinking about everything as i reached home. I told him that he would never see me. It was all the things that happened to me or were happening to me. At night i called my therapist friend and asked him a way to go away peacefully because after all this i deserved a peaceful sleep. I can't even explain what i was going through when i think of that time i get chills. I never want anyone to feel that way ever. In my thoughts i was at a peak just wanting to let go. So i grabbed my medicines previous stock and took out 65 pills. I played a song sang it while crying and just swallowed all those medicines slowing feeling that i would die soon with those sleeping medicines and anti anxiety ,anti depressants.

 After taking like 20 pills i was high enough to feel that peaceful feeling that nothing could hurt me anymore. I was sure that after taking 60 pills i wouldn't even stand a chance. I missed 3 pills that went under my pillow i called my therapist friend and told him that i did it finally. And i was unconscious just in 10 minutes after that. I don't know how or what happened after that. But yeah my family and old friends told me that they arranged the ambulance and i was shifted to hospital after 1 and a half hour midnight. Then i was referred to another hospital as i was not in a very livin' condition. There i was in a very critical condition and so the doctors had to incubate me. I was on ventilation for 3 days. Doctors said if i didn't wake up in 2 days i would in coma. Doctors told my family ( my mom's side) that there was no hope and i was going to die cause my brain was numb with all those medicines. I couldn't thing of the pain that they were going through but i went through much much more. On the second day i started some movement and doctor said there is 5% chance. I was still unconscious. Those medicines were a huge amount. I remember when first time i opened my eyes i couldn't feel a thing there were pipes in me like almost 4 5. I couldn't move my hand like i was paralyzed because of the numbness the medications caused in my brain. I just opened my eyes for 5 seconds and then again feel unconscious. 

On the next day i again opened my eyes the tubes were gone but i still couldn't feel a thing. I never thought of waking up you know. So when i woke up i saw the hospital and doctors i was not in a state to explain myself i just took out the cannula and the doctors came rushing and when i saw my hand it was bleeding heavily but i didn't feel anything no pain no sensation nothing. They put me to the bed and that is when i came to knew i was still under the action of those medicines. I started having hallucinations. I couldn't remember everything. I was on my bed and i saw a girl coming near me. I couldn't speak up then i saw two men with distorted faces staring at me. I cannot tell if was in coma or was i hallucinating at that time. I had many many more hallucinations that made it more difficult for me to differentiate between reel and real. When i was almost concious i was shifted to normal ward where i had many more hallucinations. I spoke things that i didn't want to. I saw insects on me coming out from the cannula holes. It was very very terrific. The first thing i spoke when i came out was how did i wake up how did i survive. Because i never thought of that and there was no chance. But i showed recovery so fast that even doctors were astonished. I got discharged on the 5 th day and was home again facing all those conditions.

 Some understood my condition and some just questions me. But i didn't care then. It felt like i was getting the support of my family(mom's side only tbh). After coming home i felt an irritating feeling in my throat i told everyone and they said it must be from the tube when i was on ventilator. After that i texted my boyfriend telling everything that i experienced keeping aside all the things happened 6 days ago. I was going well but yeah not for long. The fightings started again i thought when i am back it felt like everything thing would be okay because you know some got the feeling of losing me. It was not long till everything started again the fighting at home with my boyfriend we didn't speak for a week or more again. And when i messaged him it couldn't go any worse he said that he didn't wanted to be with me and that he couldn't do it anymore when i read that i was completely devastated i felt like yeah this is what you get when you commit a suicide. And i comforted myself by saying if he knew what i went through he wouldn't do that. So yeah that was it. But as you know this is my life and it cannot stay put for long. 

After this i was staying at my aunt's house with my cousins. There i started feeling breathless very often my throat would hurt so they took me to hospitals some told it was the panic attacks some told it was because of asthama some told i had pneumonia. I had a very bad experience then. I was not able to breathe like all this air and i couldn't breathe i was getting frustrated slowly because i couldn't do any normal activity i couldn't walk as i was breathless and slowly my condition got worse even without doing anything i was not able to breathe. I took medicines i got nebulization but nothing seemed to work. One night i lost control and in panic started running here and there. And that is when i got the worst attack in my life. I couldn't breathe my head was hurting so much the veins could be seen. My body was collapsing i could feel myself dying at that time. Whole family was tensed running here and there. I grabbed my aunt and begged with all the voice left in me i said please give me instant death i cannot bear this pain and as i said that i just went to the gallery and wanted to jump but my aunt took a hold of me.

 They took me to another hospital where i was provided with oxygen but nothing seemed to work. We waited for 2 more days for my condition only worsened. I was then taken to the hospital where i was treated when i was in coma and there we came to know that i was having a soft tissue in my wind pipe that was not letting me breathe. I thought yeah the consequences or the incubation. They reffered me to a bigger hospital because my wind pipe was 98% blocked and doctors were astonished by how i was still alive and breathing. I was shifted to another hospital with oxygen that just helped me a little. I was in the ward when i was not even able to breathe through the oxygen cannula. They shifted me to emergency operation and i had dilatation done of my wind pipe. When i woke up again i thought how did i wake up again i was about to die. And when i asked the doctors they said it was just a temporary solution and that i had to go through a bigger surgery that would be in a bigger hospital. And then i was like ok fuck my life. But  it was a wind pipe surgery so the risk factor was very high. It thought i should talk to my boyfriend before dying atleast this time i accepted the pain and suffering of the condition i was going through. I talked to him told him everything and wanted him to be with me even if i didn't have time. He was there that made me worry less. I had to gather up all the strength for the surgery. 

And the day came i was very nervous anxious but i went for it trusting the doctors. 70% chances were that i wouldn't make it even if i did i could lose my voice or some other consequence. But it was very successfull and it was able to breathe and live my normal life. All those things that happened made me strong. I came back home after that critical surgery and yea wanted peace and a normal life. But the fights with my boyfriend never seem to calm down. All the past things and even things that would hurt me were said time after time. And there is so much hurt someone can take. So i ended it because i knew even if there is love u cannot change somethings. So yup that was all ( not all but long story short). 
There are many ups and downs in life but everything goes by time just have faith.  Even if you don't have faith you can see my story.