
i think that i am the most horrible, gross, disgusting person. like i’m so incredibly stupid. everyone else i have ever interacted with is demonstratively smarter than me. not that it’s hard to be. i hate that i can’t socialize with others normally. the first thought when i meet another person is that they are a threat or that they are better than me and there’s no chance we could interact because we are just not on the same level. i am so incredibly stupid. i don’t know how i got this way but everyday with every new interaction just proves it. i feel like a small, stupid. naive. bratty child in a young woman’s body. I treat people around me like shit and i don’t know why i do that. I use them. i use them to make myself feel better until they get fed up with it and leave. as they should. sometimes i simply do not understand people around me. i feel like i can listen to people having conversations around me but i can’t engage in them because i simply don’t understand what they’re talking about. i don’t know anything about what topic they are talking about and i have no idea how i could add anything to their conversation anyway. so i just sit there. i’m so useless. compared to everyone in my life, i have no consistent hobbies or passion. I just have things that i jump between but i never actually put any effort into. i don’t enjoy this. it makes me feel stupid. i sometimes feel inspired to try something new but then i try it and either i don’t like it or i’m not good at it. so i give up. i compare myself to others constantly. sometimes i think i must be the most insecure person in the world because of this. i constantly feel like my partner is going to leave me, which gives me the urge to control them in everything they do. i don’t want to do this. i know it’s not right. but i need something to help quell my fear. i don’t want to be alone.