when i first starting dating, it was filled with classic bpd tendencies. splitting, insane jealousy, extreme anger at small things. also extreme idealisation, attempting to please, etc. i was really ashamed of when i would let my anger get the best of me, because i was the victim of that in the past and i swore i wouldn't do that to someone else.

next, i went too much the other way. there was still idealisation/devaluation, and basically i had the same emotional patterns. but i wanted to be better so i didn't act on them as much. i'm not saying i was perfect, i made mistakes. but i held my anger in a lot more, showed it by being "distant" (they often did not pick up on it because that just meant not replying for hours), and most importantly, learned to disconnect emotionally sometimes. i would feel it about to overwhelm me, and then just choose to disconnect "stop caring", idk how to describe it. but it stopped hurting. but it also created emotional distance and put a wall between us. that ultimately led to a breakup.

most recently, i tried to be healthier, wanted to be more open, but then also got too intense and then had to cool off. so i cycled between my behaviours above, and then after about a year or so i sort of checked out. emotionally, for me it was like i was good friends with my partner, not in a relationship. that was the way to get myself to present best at the time. i'm very patient and understanding and non-possessive in platonic friendships, but when i'm stuck on someone i lose my positive relationship qualities. so this relationship survived for a while, but it couldn't last when i'm not emotionally intimate with my partner in order to avoid feeling passionately and therefore becoming intense and chaotic and unstable.

i've spent a while single now, which has been great for me, and wasn't really looking to date. i've met someone and while i'm not betting on this person yet (i tell myself it's too early, trying to slow down the obsession train), i really don't want to mess up any relationship i get into next. i know those bpd tendencies are still in me, even if i'm getting better than being mindful.

so now i'm trying to be mindful of myself adapting to become what i believe their ideal partner is. i'm trying to be SO much better at not getting upset over reply times or if they missed a detail in a text. i'm really trying to actually mix the idealised and devalued versions in my head (this is still early so this hasn't happened too much yet), to see them as one whole person all the time instead.

&amp;#x200B;

questions:  
what behaviours have you caught yourself doing in relationships that maybe weren't so obvious, that i can also be mindful of?  what should i watch out for and any advice on when/what to reveal to potential partners as you date? (i know this is diff for everyone but any and all insight would be good to mull over!). i don't want to make the mistake of sheltering potential partners from my mental illness so much it puts a wall between us, but i'm scared of all those ugly feelings that come with attachment.