I am 24, M, bisexual and I have AS + BPD.

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As I am typing, I moved out of state due to family coming to property and harassing me at the place I lived after moving out back in December.

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I began to realize that after over 20 years of abuse by my family and fringe cult; that my life was a lie.

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They didn't care about me. My father was a convicted molester, and my mother was sexually attracted/did lewd acts to me; beyond that my family was violent and crazy towards e/o - and made up of criminals/frauds. My mother was extremely controlling; she upholds that she cannot do any wrong, and she lies/gaslights me to get out of any situation where I am defending/standing up against her, or proving anything she does as abuse: after going to the outside world, I've came to the realization of more things swept under the rug about my family and that the world wasn't what my mother twisted it to be. I never even had any actual friends: I only went to public school in a low class rural town with alot of undereducated and criminal folk from similar backgrounds: they did not like me at all.

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I was reclusive/purposely isolated from the entire world: and the internet was my only outlet. However; I was too scared to actually chat/make friends - and even skeptical that anything online is even trustworthy to try anything. I took a jab at it prior and being social w/o supression/social anxiety and w/o my mother's obsession with making me how she wants me to be.

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Apparently: my family got so sick and tired of me due to not adhering to being their sunchild and not abiding exactly to who they want myself to be: so they winded up gaslighting me for two years while I only stayed in the house and at work (which was a sketchy place, I've discovered after my bro in law got me hired) - my family stole the majority of my money, and slipped ecstasy pills for a period of months in my mediset alongside my anti-depressants. I found this out after I had an episode and took a cab to the ER room, and got tested. One of the family members who moved there mentioned prior to myself getting poisoned; after saying things to throw me off due to my political views/lifestyle about how a cousin of his had a family scandal where they slipped pills in a foster care client's mediset, which was extremely fucked up, and proof that I wasn't just going crazy for no reason. 

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Over the two years of gaslighting and such, I started entering an ASD burnout state; which caused myself to stim/pace almost all day, repeat things and lacking the ability to read expressions, and even had increased paranoia of others, and being so direct. And after I left to my first apartment, I winded up having even more severe issues even reading/interpenetrating rapid conversations via text and chat - and taking in only one part of a sentence/message and not understanding the context; then melting down/freaking at her on there.

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This was when I dated and got intimate with my the GF - a mental health worker, music enthusiast. psychologist, artist/writer and uni student in a program to get a masters, I loved her/she love me: but at times I was too scared to comment on her looks due to my awkward ways/unintentionally being direct/literal/rude. I asked to be intimate after we first met in person (we met on a discord server) - one issue here is that I was too silent/ignorant of her looks: I didn't pay close attention to (and she is very self-conscious and esp of others and what they think of her style) - I was scared of her at the same time due to paranoia of her maybe being a catfish/manipulator (was paranoid due to bullies/people pretending to be my best friend in HS) - I was pretty grounded at first: but later on after she expressed her self consciousness - I began to split and act rude towards her because she thought I wasn't really attracted to her or that I was using her to experiment.

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I guess things were complicated: we couldn't make our minds on intimacy or not, we keep changing the status/plan.

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My mother kept going to my apartment, to appease me in order to return to the household: them knowing how much I cling back to them when in desperation/trouble. I was in a dillemma whether I should even have hope in myself or my life. I just stayed blank and was in life in a sort of autopilot state while in intimacy: because I assumed that my family would murder me/do something that'll mess me up in life permanently.

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One morning: my mom said she'll never stop at my unit again: so I got confident in myself: wanted to move forth w/ the relationship. Then one night afterwards, my mother was knocking/harassing again at my door once again, and trying to give me 'pills for sleep' (fucking drugs) as she always does.

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I decided from that night on forth to move out of state where I can be safe from my family. Thing is: I had no confidence in having trusting room mates/understanding, due to how eccentric I am/getting refused when touring for roomshares. I asked a childhood friend from portland what to do, and he told me to find LGBT housing groups, due to how strict they are against ableism - and the supportive factor. I did so, but was waiting for the right time to tell my then GF. But out of her expressing her insecurities about myself - was confused if i had significant attraction to her in any way, romantic or sexual: I lashed out and revealed that I am moving abruptly in the conversation.

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She had in consideration to date me in the future, quite possibly. But she felt bitter that I wanted to go to an LGBT house and thought the person I was talking to, to crash w/ and possibly be roomies with (who wasn't attracted to me, she likes me but isn't attracted to Cis Men - had been clarified that latter part ) - my then GF assumed I was cheating (and telling her that I'm moving to an LGBT housing is obv a suspicion) - we finally decided to be just friends regardless, since we were already confused on what we are supposed to be, and there was some disconnects in life stage revealed further on. She was still confused/had things left unanswered about our relationship however, and I feel like I cannot explain. And I did intense, lengthy verbal rants and insults during meltdown phases/fight or flight periods - I've even threatened to framing her for something she didn't do prior to myself packing and leaving a few days to WA, was scared as shit and overloaded with too much in my head, and headaches: even got paranoid assuming she was a psychopath trying to mess with me. She was also discussing via DMs with people she was friends with on other servers that I didn't know about for advice on what is going on: and revealed it to me in doing so.

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I took greyhound buses across the country, with very little to no sleep: and had unraveled from so much sensory overload that by the time I arrived at my destination: I reached this state where I had no emotion, but regressed to the point I cannot make out what anything is anymore: or my memories even. I was 'forcing myself' to - I had a mindset where instead of properly expressing things in a coherent manner - I express things as "I need to make my ex feel better after the shit I did" by, including by throwing unintended random phrases about how I love her - and when I'd split: I would go on tangents and accuse her i and please do not drop out of uni, n texts of things she didn't do/that I hate her - which was all nonsensical. I kept wanting to instill blocks/breaks due to my state - which based on what ive read online: was a mix of intense ASD burnout, disassociation and even more.

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I felt like I mentally regressed to near-vegetable levels after moving: word salads, some coherency: didn't want to talk to others: but had "if im honest and put myself out there, I'll get better, and talking to my ex" that id recover and be fine. 

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My mental state reached a point where I had no social or logical conventions in mind. It was along the lines of: I need to survive, I need to make my ex feel better, I need to hate her. - I had this sensation that I didn't feel human at all, no emotions: but I expressed my worries towards my ex in literal manners: texting her for hours when she tells me to stop, and I cannot recognize what she means exactly: or attempt to talk to her, and dont even realize that despite having a basic meaning: all were incoherent - and it came off as myself gaslighting her/confusing her due to the inconsistencies and mixed up tellings of past events while in my current state. She had mentioned bringing myself up to another friend of hers on a server: and even outed my kinks to that person (did reveal them to her, she was open/fine with them, but I was self conscious and paranoid about said things and didn't want to tell anybody from then forth or straight up hide them, and wanted to rid of said kinks) to that person (somebody she was close with and on a mental health server.) - I blew up so bad for her outting it, when that I told her to get ran over and overdose.

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I was supposed to 'calm down' and take a break from her and the world to recover: but my loneliness and overconfidence in thinking id be fine if I were to talk to my ex made myself return and fuck things up even more from in coherency in my state. I've even reached points where she got so tired of me, she wanted to file me for harassment and never talk to me again. She even said she wanted to change her email and phone due to me trying to circumvent so much.

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And it was my fault for not willfully sticking on my own during the break; and accepting that we are still friends. She was the first person in my life who obsessed over me and cared about me, went over my music collectoon/last fm, same taste and interests, even personality and I felt these connections in spurts, but felt hopeless due to my life state. She would have been the girl of my dreams, whether a best friend or an SO.

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And after I moved to out of state, I realized that I am safe, but there is no way to convince her at this point what was going on: and she refuses to talk/be friends again after my actions. it's been maybe a week or so, and after I revealed to the mods on the server my situation: fabricated wither making myself look like the victim or her depending on the day; I ruined her.

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I cannot even get on that server, which I loved the people on anymore due to her saying to back off or else.

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I feel like my entire life is a lie, I have no confidence in myself trying to help the world around me or myself even, and I lost any confidence of my memory after the gas lighting and even realizing how much my family hated me for all these years - and how my mental state winded up. And I am figuring out who am I supposed to be and what is the correct way to live: I wanted to return to my state in the 2010's, and my Ex was the one of my dreams. But time fucked up, and my indentity crisis, trauma and state too. I think I've even said way, way, way too much stupidity/memes and shit opinions on the server i was a regular on, idk.

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And I've been in a state where I cannot connect or read, do anything coherent anymore: and if so: I have to spend so much time to do little things.

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It took me hours to write this up; I am sleepless, airy, in ASD burnout, disassociation and maybe more.

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Is there even some way to explain all of this to my Ex in a single response? What state am I in? And how do I mend this all again? How to approach, and if not now when the right time is? She has blocked me on everything we conversed on, emails included.

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I cannot deal with the fact that we will never be friends again, and that I am unable to express what happened here to her.

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I lost an amazing friend/family to me. I cannot take it.