Tw: mentions of SH and suicide 


I had a dream last night that I killed myself. I cut my wrist and bled out I guess. In the dream, I woke up in a very nice place. Peaceful, in nature and alone. No anxiety or sadness. For the first time in a while I didn't have a  nightmare. It feels like a sign, that it's what I should do. Because being alive is terrifying. I've never believed that we go anywhere when we die. But it feels like I'm being told somthing. 
I've been thinking about how boring life is. Everything feels meh to me. I used to get excited about the future. Then I became scared, now I feel a combination of anxiety and boredom. When I think about living a long time, it's the same feeling as doing a meaningless task for hours and hours. I feel annoyed at the idea. But at the same time I don't think I've suffered enough to pass on to that peaceful dream place. My life has been boring and useless. I don't deserve to feel good. So I have urges to hurt myself and seek out what triggers me, so I can experience actual pain, so I can achtually deserve to rest. I don't want to live a long time. But I dont want to hurt my family by leaving either. But no one even seems to care that much that I'm here. 
What are we even supposed to do here? What's our reason for existing? I don't think there is one. Everything is meaningless. When I die, everything I've ever done will no longer matter. 
I don't even really know what I'm talking about.