I work in Amazon Fulfillment in a technical operations roll (IT on Steroids) It's my turn for nights rotation. My wife hates it and our 2 year old son is definitely feeling the heat. He said to me on our nightly face time, "Dada I be good, come home from \*acronym for site\*" Amazon has been nothing but good to me, our work environment is super positive, I am well liked and everyone is there to succeed. It is not a large fulfillment center, it is a sort center. My team mates and I are amiable but they are all veterans, and I only have a year under my belt. The nights rotation is not avoided, we all do it. The last rotation I missed several key events in child development and spent my two days off surprised and terrified I missed so much with my son. As of late I have begun to have intrusive suicidal thoughts, they are at best inconvenient because I readily dismiss them and have trained extensively in "normal thinking and abnormal thinking" to treat schizoaffective disorder that has been treated extensively and successfully for almost 15 years with a medication regiment that I consider a gift from science. I am wearing thin on myself after treatment for thyroid cancer this summer that my Amazon team was exhaustingly supportive of, to the point that I was given a "come when you can, we will still cut your check". My benefits are so good that my wife who makes double what I do and I am not paid poorly by any means is able to take home so much more because I throw a majority of my wage into stellar benefits. I feel hopeless about my son and every day is starting to feel less and less productive and more and more like I am just inching toward a miserable existence. I love my job, I just hate what it's doing tome. How do I cope, what tools can I incorporate to my mental routine?