I couldn't tell you how long its been, probably 3 years or so now. It seems like it basically started as soon as i developed the ability to experience something as negative as depression. Technically speaking, i don't have depression, but you have to imagine that when you have the majority of its symptoms everyday for years on end, the most logical conclusion would be that you are depressed. 

Reading is hard, comprehending is hard, concentrating is hard, existing is hard, everything is so hard. This list could go on forever but you probably get the idea. Sleep is quite the topic when it comes to my experience with depression. It takes me about an hour minimum to fall asleep on most days, and on weekdays (due to a severe issue with procrastination and school work) im lucky to get 6 hours. On the weekends i sleep for 9-10 hours. Regardless, i still feel tried as fuck wether i get 1 or 10 hours of sleep, its just that on one hand im to tired to function correctly and on the other hand i feel like i have a fucking 200 pound weight dragging everything i think of further and further down the hill behind me. I am currDon't even get me started with the sucidal thoughts. Though i don't have as many as i used to, i really don't think its because my state has improved at all but more because i have so little motivation that the amount of effort proper suicide would take is out of the question.

There are so many things i could bitch about in a post like this, but because of how fucked my head is i cant think of all of those things at once. I think one of the worst parts about how long i have been dealing with this is that i cant remember how shit was before this; i dont know what happyness feels like anymore or essentially any emotion besides anger and sadness. And then there the emptiness "emotion" too. That one likes to come out on special occasions to spice things up a bit. 

I wish i had the motivation to get it over with. I've talked to friends (did not help), family (also went nowhere), and my dog. Hey at least the dog fucking listens man. But nothing seems to help. Though i wont go into detail, my family is a mess and they all need to see someone about their mental health just as much as i do. My dad is clearly depressed and fucked in the head and my mom has to put up with my dad and I, so shes probably fucking insane. As much as im not fond of the idea meds might help a bit, but who knows. High functioning depression is a special kind of hell that i wish upon no one.

The bottom line is regardless of what is wrong with me, i need help, probably the same as whoever is reading this post does too, so don't be like me, wasting what are supposed to be your fun childhood days away, slaving away over homework and dragging through everyday, seek help as soon as you can, fuck just do something, do anything, make a post on here like i am, do anything to combat the demons you fight.

Anyway, i hope this is somewhat comprehensible, this is a very small amount of what i have experienced and more or less a random collection of shit that i am throwing at the wall that is reddit. To anyone on here going through something similar to me, how is it going? To anyone who has made it out the other side of the tunnel, please enlighten me as to how. What helped you and what was your experience like?

Boy am I gonna regret this in the morning.