Hi!! I, 21F, just recently got diagnosed. It took being so dissociated that I would have severe panic attacks because nothing around me felt real. It was scary. For years, I thought all of my symptoms were related to my ADHD and that it would go away once I started getting medication. Then I thought "okay maybe its the Adderall making me feel this way." Then I had to accept something else was going on. 

I should have known. My boyfriend being the love of my life one second and the next hating him. Me, naked in an empty tub crying to him because I just want to kill myself. Cutting myself because I just needed some type of fucking release. The social isolation. The constant fear of abandonment. And the scary ass dissociation. 

Can anyone else related to how scary dissociating can become? I didn't know what it was until recently but I always felt dissociated, nothing ever really truly felt real to me, or it didn't for a long while at least but then sometimes it would get so bad. It would seem like the conversations I was having with my boyfriend weren't real. Like room I was in wasn't real. Everything around me felt suffocating and I'd just need to leave, even if it was the grocery store. I didn't realize how bad it was until I felt that urgent need to go somewhere just to prove the world around was real and went outside for a walk but had a panic attack because it was too unreal. 

Anyway, I'm just a few days into treatment. My Celexa was changed to Prozac. I was put on Abilify and I still take Adderall. Now that I know what it wrong with me, now that I understand what dissociating is, now that I understand why I feel the emotions I feel, I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. At first, getting diagnosed made me want to kill myself more because I thought "I can't cure this, I have to learn to live a normal life with this and I don't want to". But now I think I am capable of doing it. 

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read through this. This is just a little inch in what I've felt. I don't have any family to talk to about this and I've lost all of my friends. I'm glad to know I am not alone.