I first got diagnosed with depression at around age 6-7 it was triggered by a big move and complete change of my environment. I can barely remember anything from this time, but I do know I was put on antidepressants at just age 6-7. Things started to gradually get better but for some reason my parents decided to stop talking me to the psychiatrist yet keep giving me the antidepressants. Years later I've discussed this with them and they wholeheartedly agree that it was a mistake, but they can't explain why they did it. So I was on the same med same dosis from age 6-7 to age 11. When I started going to the psychiatrist again. She sucked big time though, and I couldn't change (weird healthcare system where I live). So at age eleven my shitty psychiatrist asks me if I want to go off antidepressants, I was 11 I knew nothing, but the only thing I knew is that I had only known life with antidepressants up until then. So I said no. She switched my medicine though, I went on (generic) Prozac. By this time I was hitting puberty and my family life was changing a lot so anxiety and stress were high. Prozac did nothing to my stress so we decided to switch to (generic) Effexor. I was now starting to get depressed, even self harming, but I never told my parents or psychiatrist, I didn't trust her at all because well she sucked. In fact I didn't even know I was depressed, nobody ever explained to me what depression was, all these years I'd been in and out of psychiatrists and nobody took the time to explain it to me. In my visits to the psychiatrist I just kept repeating that I was stressed from all that was going on but never actually revealed all that was going on. So the doctor decides she should double my dosis, I was now around 13-14 and taking 150g of Effexor daily. And yet, I was deeply depressed. During this time I don't remember actually feeling depressed, I just remember feeling like life was always like that. I think the meds messed with my feelings and emotions during that time, cause I just remember feeling numb and overwhelmed by everything, causing me to self harm often. But I never said anything and my sucky doctor never asked so I actually never got a diagnosis this time around, yes she was medicating me without giving me a diagnosis. Eventually we moved again and I got an actual good psychiatrist this time who absolutely freaked out at the thought of a 16 year old who had been on antidepressants her whole life and was now taking 150g of Effexor daily. He diagnosed me with dysthymia and sent me to therapy. Dysthymia is not a diagnosis used today (in the US, but I wasn't in the US) it is now refered to as Persistent Depressive Disorder. Eventually I discussed it with this psychiatrist that I wanted to try to go off meds. So we started by cutting my dosis in half. Therapy did absolute wonders to me, and for the first time in years I could actually say that I wasn't depressed. Of course we moved back again so my process was cut in half. This leads us to today, it's been about two years since I last saw a psychiatrist, not because I don't want to, unfortunately right now I have no healthcare and my parents can't afford one. I'm still at 75g Effexor daily. I have tried quitting, not on purpose simply because I ran out of meds and wasn't able to afford them for a few weeks. But everytime I stop taking them, first I have to survive two days of detox which is hard on it's own, but then I feel like I'm not myself, I am sad all the time and I just can't control my emotions at all. So I haven't been able to quit and I am not sure I want to. I've build my entire life on meds and when I'm off meds I just don't feel like myself. (My parents are fully aware of all of this but they sometimes forget they still maintain me and forget about me)

TL:DR

Went on antidepressants when I was 6, today I'm 19 and still on antidepressants. When I don't take them I don't feel like myself. I can't afford a psychiatrist rn so I'm stuck. Advice is not required but welcome. :)