long post I guess, I'm sorry:

last night my fp wasn't responding to my text messages, and when I saw he was out on snapchat I started shifting. why couldn't he respond to me? if he was busy then why couldn't he just say so? I went to bed furious and woke up suicidal. there was a weight on my chest and my heart was missing. my impulsiveness almost got the best of me. my close friend and coworker convinced me to go into work. working with her is always fun. and it was going well until she mentioned she was with my fp last night baking and drinking and hanging out. I started shaking, I was cold sweating, I started to hyperventilate. it felt like the walls were closing in around me. I thought my fp realized how awful I am and said horrible things about me and wanted me out of his life. my friend couldn't calm me down until she said all my fp talked about was me and how worried he was about me and how much he loves me. it was a weird dead calm but it helped. I still couldn't shake the thought of being hated and it stuck with me all day. it sort of took a backseat when my coworker's and I were working the busy part of the shift, but then my fp showed up to buy some last minute things (uh we work at a grocery store). I got scared but wanted him to ask how I was. All he asked was where the fucking jalapeños were. so I split really bad right there and walked off before I could say/do anything wack. I know fp is with his date right now and I'm not gonna ruin their night with my mental issues but god damn it I wish I could do something healthy to cope with this.