Because giving up is not an option, I'm stuck in a cycle of trying to cope, trying to better myself, grabbing everything - anything - that feels slightly better, in order to function. It's like an obsession about positive things though failing every single time. And then: complete melt down. Nothingness.

For many years now. It can take weeks or just minutes. But I always know it's not gonna last. It makes me feel so small and incredibly unsafe. 

I'm so scared of death. But sometimes, I imagine the end to be soft and warm and safe. Like coming home.

That's all.