I know anger is one of the so called stages of grief, so this should be normal. My friends have told me it’s okay for me to feel upset, betrayed, abandoned... That I shouldn’t feel guilty or be too harsh on myself.

But they don’t know I’ve been stalking him on social media since he dumped me.
They don’t know I’m extremely jealous and bitter towards his friends, because they get to be in his life and get affection from him.
They don’t know I *hated* the new guy he decided to hook up with until he cut him off (mind you, my first reaction was to be incredibly happy, thinking he’d learn his lesson) even if he did nothing wrong, that I actively wished him harm, that I stalked him and had violent fantasies.
They don’t know I keep one impossibly large note on my phone where I write to him whenever I feel incredibly sad or pissed off, and that if I end up killing myself before getting over him, I intend to schedule a message so he reads it once I’m dead. 
They don’t know that sometimes I wish we could get back even if my feelings for him fade so I could make his life hell.
They don’t know that as someone relatively interested in witchcraft and all those “crazy silly things”, I’ve searched for spells of all kind. Hexes, love spells, reconciliation spells, revenge spells, you name it.

I feel awful. Sure, being depressed just made me want to die, but at least I didn’t feel like a monster. I don’t want to feel so... toxic. It’s like my thoughts are a black poison that keeps oozing out of my body. I know I don’t have to worry about harming him. I can’t and even if I could I would never do that, because I still love him. But a normal person doesn’t act up this way. No wonder why he left me.