So I have been diagnosed with BPD, more or less. My psychiatrist and psychologist say I 'probably' am, and I'd read enough about mood disorders to think, dangit! Why couldn't I have bipolar?! At least with that one, even though there's depression too, some people at least get their manic phases and are able to get stuff done :(

In endlessly researching what could be wrong with me, I came across a forum talking of Stephen Fry's documentary about what it's like to have bipolar disorder, and apparently everyone interviewed agreed they'd rather keep their 'disorder' than be 'cured'. This stunned me so much, since aside from the stigma of such a disorder, what about the debilitating effects of bipolarism?? Browsing bipolar forums eventually led me to the answer, where people were saying that they're actually thankful for having bipolar, because without it they'd get nothing done. People said this despite acknowledging how soul crushing their 'down' phases are – and I am by no means saying ALL individuals with bipolar 'like' or 'appreciate' their condition but still, it was quite mind opening (and liberating) to seeing something discussed usually in such hushed tones being talked about in a positive way.

I suppose in the end it doesn't really matter if I 'fight' the diagnosis or not – it's a general enough of a diagnosis that it can be applied in so many situations, to different types of people. So, it doesn't matter if I have a debilitating amount of empathy, am generally incredibly patient and non-irritable, and am painfully non-impulsive (indeed I try to work myself to be more 'impulsive' but JUST CAN'T). And I most certainly can't relate to 'idealizing' people or forming instant/intense attachments. If anything, what with me radiating non-judgement and practically walking around with a billboard that screams 'hey creepy people!! I am TERRIBLE at enforcing boundaries!!!' it is my 'curse' to be forever running away from people who want to be my friend. (I just want to be a hermit!! Everyone in my family is this way, we have a bit of a 'showman' side and are super outgoing and personable, but also intensely fond of alone time. It took years for two of my brothers to turn this around, and special ladies to draw them out.)

The only person I ever wanted to form an attachment to is my husband, and I used to wish I were more 'normal' and could be capable of wanting a social life, but...meh. Too tired these days! Of course though, being only attached to my husband, also means he's the one person in the world I am hypersensitive to, which suuuuuuuucks. Lucky him, all of my unreasonableness and short fuse is reserved only for him!! Why doesn't that make him feel special?! :P 

Well hopefully the Lamictal and therapy will help. I am tired of being so easily hurt by my husband, and capable of getting so angry. Because honestly, you get to a point that when you suffer long enough, you don't care what it is you have, you just want it to have a name and be identifiable so it has a treatment that can help you. Still, I don't want to tell anyone about having BPD. Sooo thank you, anonymous internet, for providing a gathering place of support and encouragement for all of us out there who struggle so much with things that the 'normals' make look so easy! Of course, everyone has their own struggles to contend with, and appearances are completely deceiving especially when we're judging how 'easy' others have it, but the whole point of a psychiatric disorder is that things are a notch (or three) higher on the 'difficulty' scale when it comes to coping with this little thing called life.

Hope everyone is having a relaxing (and calming) Saturday :)