Anybody who knows my family knows I was a gentle giant from the get-go. I was quiet, deathly shy, and observant. It was a point of pride with my dad, as well as how bright I was. 

Our parents always had a bunch of shepherds for breeding as a business and consequently I grew to be more comfortable with animals over people across the board. Socially I was a late bloomer, one of the many things that tell me I'm probably autistic. 

I lost my childish sense of wonder when I was four. The five of us in the family were outside one day, playing a game. Im not sure what brought it on but I was a little hurt about something, dejected, and our mom made some laughing quip about being sorry. It reminded me of a scene in rocket power where the kids apologize and they're told "sorry doesn't cut the cheese". And that's what I said. At this point I was sitting on the porch steps. 

She snapped. She went inside the house and grabbed her belt, came outside and beat the hell out of me with the buckle end. I got it in several places including over the head. In front of our dad and my brother and sister. I was the youngest by 3 and 9 years. Dad almost killed her, but nothing happened. I sat on the porch in pure shock until it got dark. Then went to bed.

It isnt the last time I got the belt, and I'd also get a switch, a fly swatter, and bare hands. I havent spoken to her in 10 years.

25 years I kept that secret. Thinking no one remembered or cared. Funny enough my dad brought it up this summer. "She almost killed you when you were four" he said. It hit me like a truck. A few days later he was being his usual asshole self and I tore him a new one. I told him everything I remembered about it. He couldn't remember where we were, or what I said that set her off, so I told him I did. When I said what it was I got the look of shock and recognition. "That's it!" he said. "Im sorry you remember that." 

When I was a teenager our mom was worse. I made a couple mistakes under influence of my "cool" big brother and got put on probation. She decided to go all out and try to convince my probabtion officer that I was a problem child, a budding psychopath. Claiming she was afraid of how big i was getting, getting them to threaten me with felony domestic violence charges,  then would turn around and beat the shit out of me behind closed doors. I was severely verbally and physically abused by the one person who was supposed to love me. The kind, shy child utterly destroyed. 

I was suicidal by highschool. 

At 18, when I was finally free, I crashed my first car. Nobodies fault, simply an accident by an inexperienced driver. I broke a lot of bones and nearly bled to death multiple times, but I eventually recovered and on my own I walked out of the wheelchair. I spent the following decade struggling with disability, poverty, isolation, and the horror of my memories. Now at 29, a year after recovering from acute kidney failure, I have an incurable disease with a high mortality rate. 

Somebody always has to make new their punching bag, but when I treat them the same way im the bad guy. Ive been ridiculed to this day for being fat because I developed an eating disorder to cope with the abuse. I've been treated more and more as a monster because I'm male. 

Anyone who knows me knows I only want people to be treated decently. I dont believe in hurting children, vulnerable adults, or animals and I'll kill and die on that hill. 


I cant see the point of life. Only my dad didnt beat me as a kid, not that he wasn't still abusive. My brother became paralyzed years ago and when I was his live in ass wiper he  drunkenly broke down one night and apologized for leaving me with our mom. He dies four years ago. My sister used to say that she was raped and cant have kids, and still says she was abused worse, despite being an abusive wife and mother of four or five kids. 

I never wanted to be a part of this life, yet I've been forced to endure some of the worst psychological traits known to man. 

And now I dont know what to do. I dont know how to keep going. My depression, anxiety, cptsd, neurodivergence are overwhelming.