Mind my lack of ability to articulate due to how battered my brain has become from mental issues. Im 23 but as far back as I can remember struggling with finding my identity/personality. Im average at anything I do, socially poor, no hobbies or skills, no opinions, I get my opinions and values from others then regurgitate them in half assed manner not being able to think for myself, just a very awkward guy, very. I avoid conflicts but in my head I am constantly having imaginary arguments/convos as if I just outwitted the other person, this gave me a false sense of confidence for a while. Ive kept this facade of superiority for a long time pretending to know shit when really I have no real knowledge on any topic. Im a decent looking guy but whenever I look in the mirror I cant connect, or see that I don't have any unique characteristics. I feel like an NPC, both in looks and personality. I don't know what my style is in clothes, any clothes I wear even if I look good I feel out of place and just cant like feel comfortable. Theres nothing about me that makes me Me.

When I see other people, I can instantly tell that this person has this type of character, identity, or some Uniqueness about them, a place in this world. I have none. Im not the humorous type, nerd, jock, nor the serious kind, I just don't fit into any stereotype and it kills me. In a room full of people, I feel out of place, walking behind acquaintances or friends I feel the odd one out and this feeling grows larger until It becomes anxiety and puts me in dissociation. At that stage, I start to see myself from an outward view and see that Im just an awkward wannabe with no identity/personality the very thing I despised and never wanted to be.

I wore this "mysterious smart guy mask" who is perfect and adept at every thing he does like those suave men in the movies but I ended up being the opposite, messing up and not knowing what/how to do anything, making a fool out of myself, being cringe and uncomfortable so now I just avoid it all. I could never achieve what I had my mind. Thought my looks would get me it all magically but now that it's out in the open I feel identityless and confused as hell.

I cant afford a pro diagnosis ATM but I was wondering if anyone has felt the same way and if this could be BPD or if it's something else, Im very stuck and feel depressed. I have severe Ocd as well and it keeps making me feel like like my real self is the incompetent awkward guy. Sorry for the long post.