Emotional disregulation causes  intense psychological distress, and even in some cases  physical/ psychosomatic pain. It's  something we live with and can learn to accept. Once there is acceptance, we can begin to think about how to practically improve our quality of life. This doesn't mean we can be cured, but it means we can find  alleviation through treatment and practice. This may be an ambitious plan, but I needed to note it all to see the bigger picture and visualize my eventual goal.

Phase 1: For this new year, I will be making note of how many times I lash out or act in reckless manner due to my pain. I will note when I delay my impulses and avoid lashing out. These are my reactions and I have a better chance of controlling those, than the feelings which arise. By "scoring" myself I will hopefully see my progress, which can boost my self-esteem and encourage me to keep going. If I record 10 episodes a week, my goal will be to get to 9 by next month and then 8 and eventually, it decreases significantly and the duration of these episodes lessen. This will be physical evidence of my improvement. I will sanitize my environment as much as I can. Avoid the obvious triggers like my life depends on it - because it does. For me that means no dating. That's hard for me so I'm going to create a temporary environment that's inhospitable to romantic partners. This won't last forever I hope. But it's what I need right now. 

Phase 2 - I will be using alternative therapies like philosophy to change how I think about the world and my place in it. Il expand my knowledge about others living with life-impacting challenges, much of which isn't their fault. I will learn from them, those born with health challenges and how they manage to find small pleasures and cope. Step outside myself and my internal struggle even for a short while. This offers perspective through a larger more forgiving lense. I've started learning about stoic philosophy which has helped change my frame of mind. With BPD i often feel like a waste of space, like I bother and upset everyone I know. I feel empty. To try to address it, I will volunteer with those less privileged than myself. Perhaps I can redeem myself by doing some good in the world for someone else, seeing as my reactions and behavior have hurt others in the past. I don't have a time machine but hopefully it balances out one day: what I've taken and consumed and what I've expended and given. 

Plus this leaves less time for me to obsess about romantic partners or engage in potentially triggering behavior. 



I will manage my expectations. Therapy, medication, learning is all in aid of diminishing my pain. Alleviating my suffering. I don't expect it (by itself) to make me happy. That can only occur at phase 3, once I am stable. Only in this managed/stable state can I begin to recognize happiness when it overcomes me. Living in a fog of my own suffering means I'd not even know true joy if it slapped me in the face. Intense emotional fog where I can't even see beyond my suffering, let alone feel joy. I want to find or travel from the fog to the mist. Mist (while still challenging to navigate) is not as dense and we can see more of our environment than if we just sat in heavy fog. In my mist,  I'd be able to see a few meters ahead, chart a course to avoid some of the potholes in the road, connect to others along the road, envision my destination as I travel the road, appreciate some of the scenery on the road and start to make  progress on my journey. It's never going to be complete sunshine and pleasant weather. This is impossible where I live, the climate or my climate  is different. I don't control the climate, I just learn to accept the weather and then embrace it. Just as someone in a tropical region doesn't control theirs. They make the best of it by finding shade in overwhelming sunshine. 

This is my 2022 plan and even if I do only manage to improve 20% in step 1, I welcome it. It's far better than I've ever done before. I'm wishing everyone the best for the new year.