This sub is full of posts about being empty or an empty cycle, and I relate. Every time I see one I go “same”

I give most an upvote, it’s hard to go through and leave a comment on them all. 

Anyways. Here’s mine, one of the many that’ll blend in with the rest. Just wanted you to know I see your struggles.

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I’ve struggled with depression for most my life; it became evident when I hit ten or so and I just turned eighteen a week ago.

I’ve also skipped school since a week ago; 6 unexcused absences, well it’s 5 days right now but I’m skipping today too (3am)

I know I should go but I just c a n t. A constant tide of not caring, being numb, to my mind screaming at me. I’m supposed to go online January 10th. I can’t stand the thought of dropping out and doing a GED (that I’d never get), because part of me says I have a future now. A future I used to not have. You see, I was put in a foster home last march and they plan on adult adopting me. Anyways, I don’t want a future. Because living hurts. It hurts every fiber of my being and I’m tired of every breath I take that drags me a little bit further through a day I don’t want to be apart of.

Sometimes I’ll go a day or two without eating, because I feel like I don’t deserve it. That maybe if I get thin, I’ll feel better. Then other days I’ll eat and eat even if I know it’s only a temporary happy and that I’ll hate myself even more afterwards. 

So why haven’t I offend myself, you might be asking?

I’ve tried. Many times. Not for awhile though, almost a year. I’ve wanted to do many times though… 

I can’t say the same about S-H. I keep relapsing. I probably will later today. 

I keep resisting the urge to OD, to cut, to do something to make it STOP but I don’t want to hurt those around me. Even if it’s temporary. A temporary hurt that’ll go away when they forget about me. 

I keep going between suffering to spare others, to being numb and not caring enough to go and grab the pills, to tugging at the small part of me that WANTS to keep suffering and hoping. I hate it. 

. . . . . 

This isn’t a post to receive encouraging comments, more like a vent to get it off my chest and into the open, and hopefully a post that relates to some of those on the subreddit. So, if you relate, or have your own little story to add, go for it.