As a preamble, I will say that I've tried to look around this sub, and /r/BPDmemes, but I feel a bit lost because a lot of the content seems to be geared towards a "female experience". Are men just unwilling to talk about these issues? I'm hoping that by posting I can just find some resources to read and understand this better, from my perspective that seems different than what I've read here in a brief survey. 

I am almost certain I have BPD, I just have an extremely (perhaps irrational) fear of psychiatrists after seeing them for years as a kid, teenager, and adult. So I haven't been diagnosed. When I finally heard of BPD and read about it, I was shocked that I didn't even *realize* I had these awful behaviors that were ruining my internal life and relationships.

Somehow throughout all of this, despite a suicide attempt and several involuntary hospitalizations for being a danger to myself etc. (you'd think the doctors would know what they're doing and not just label everything "depression"?), I managed to graduate university twice (bachelor's and master's), and have 3 kids with a woman who is either an angel or stays with me because she's just as insane as I am, I haven't figured that out yet.

However, our relationship has tremendous problems. I often disassociate from life and that means from her too, she gets very hurt that I "ignore" her, but I'm not even doing it on purpose, it just doesn't "register" that anyone is talking to me? Like all I can think about is hating myself or some other anxious toxic mess, and everything else feels like it's behind a huge storm where I can't see or hear any of it.

My most pressing problem right now is that I'm completely incapable of seeing any of my successes or labelling myself as competent. On August 20th, I have a meeting with some potential research/phd supervisors, which I should be happy about, but I just want to give up and hide. I'm just scared they're going to find out I'm a fraud and they'll think my ideas are pointless, nonsensical or just straight-up stupid. This has been crippling, and I have just been drinking all day every day for about a week. This has inflamed problems with my spouse, of course, and lead to some giant explosive arguments.

I have no reason, rationally, to believe I am stupid or a fraud etc. I do well in school, other graduate students tell me I'm smart. Last week, one of them told me that the new graduate student in the office beside mine thinks I'm the "most impressive student in the faculty", but being myself... I just assumed they were trying to make fun of me somehow. This either explains why I was bullied my entire childhood, or explains why I *thought* I was... anyway.

I self-medicate with CBD oil, and sometimes the one with THC content, and it's the only thing that has allowed me to even "function" over the last few months after it was legalized in my country. It has been amazing, really. Has anyone had success with it with BPD? Coincidentally, I ran out 2 days ago and I am waiting for more in the mail, so this may have a lot to do with my absolutely chaotic breakdown right now.

So yeah. That's what I wanted to say. I'm not sure what the point is of saying it, but there you go.