so a few years ago i've made a decision that if by a certain point i don't feel happy and fulfilled i'm going to take my life. i even chose an exact date. that day is approaching faster and faster as the time passes and i don't feel any better. i've tried different things, but nothing seems to really bring me joy. last year i lost my dad, now i've learnt that my mom has a tumor and probably won't live that long too. i'm trying to think positive and smile, but when i'm alone the darkest thoughts come. tbh my mom is the only person that makes me want to keep trying, without her i have nothing. i think if she's eventually gone, i'll go with her too. some people looking at me would think i'm a successful young woman, but the truth is i'm far from that, i feel so lonely in this world. i constantly avoid contact with a few friends i still somehow have even when talking to them is all i want, it makes me just feel like a burden. i can't talk about anything real without bursting into tears. i hate people at work for jokingly asking me what's with my long face and having to brush it off with a smile. i don't want anyone to worry. i think i just want to disappear.