Five months ago, my girlfriend left me, saying I need to love myself. Four weeks after that, my cat passed away. He probably has been sick to some degree for a long time but I wrote it off as nothing because I'm an idiot. Now I've gotten a  suspension from Xbox after being squeaky clean for 17+ years. I can't do anything right. I've become a cliche. Unemployed, living in a basement, fat, out of control facial hair, no motivation. I'm completely out of control.

I'm about to finish a treatment called TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) which has a high success rate for improving symptoms and in some cases even curing people.

All it's done is make me hate myself less. I'm still stuck.

I started the treatment hoping, praying it would help me fix everything I've broken, that I could show my ex that I've changed for the better, that I could find a job after a long time being terrified of working as a result of consecutive jobs that left me crying my eyes out. But I'm still terrified.

I was working with a nutritionist to control my weight, but comfort eating has continued and various healthy foods have gone from being enjoyable to actually making my stomach turn.

My sleep habits are trash. I can't stay awake during the day at all. I never leave the house, and frankly never want to. I used to be in a chorus but I haven't gone in months out of shame and complete lack of energy.

I see a counselor every other week, but he's been giving me an extra appointment every other week fairly regularly. I still feel like it's not enough.

Music that I love upsets me. I can't watch shows I used to love because I want to watch them with my ex. I want to fix what I've broken.

And I can't.