I'm trying to get better. It's hard, but I'm sick of being chained to this. I want to be a healthy person, and to be able to be there for the people who need me. I've got hopes and dreams that this illness is stopping, and I'm so tired of feeling defeated.

So I'm trying to get better, and I'm doing well. I'm resisting my impulses, working more hours, drinking less. I'm doing everything I can affect tangibly to improve my behaviours. But it doesn't do anything for the headspace, does it?

I'm evaluating my relationships and realising that a lot of my friends are unhealthy for me, and that I've spent so long masking to blend in, I'd forgotten who I am. But now that I'm looking at my relationships, I'm feeling so inadequate.

Everyone I'm around is talented, and attractive, and interesting -- and I'm just kind of there, and it makes a sad sort of sense that nobody would put effort into me. I'm frumpy and dorky and easy to forget.

I do my best to put my all into people, but just once I'd like to know what that feels like on the other side.

I just want to be loved but I understand why I'm not.