I am in a bit of a negative spiral right now, so I am trying to get it all out to "get it off my chest." 

I am way behind in life despite having all sorts of access to good facilities. I got a full scholarship for my BA degree and am currently thankful to be working at a union position with shit pay, but least good benefits. Yet despite all the good things that I should be thankful to have right now: housing, food, and employment, I feel like crap.

My pay is garbage at $40k in an expensive city like NYC. My job doesn't even require a BA. I just got it after wandering around aimlessly trying to figure what to do with my history degree after I figured out that I did not want to do teaching. I sit at a desk contributing absolutely nothing to society beside filing paperwork and moving patients to and fro. Just yesterday, I messed up with the scheduling that left us without patients for most of the day. You could have a high schooler do this job with just a little bit of training and not mess up as much as I do.

I still live with my parents, no friends, no relationship. Every family meeting, I am tempted to hide in the bathroom or outside because of how embarrassed I am about my situation. I have younger relatives doing way better than I am, something I hear all the time at home. Sometimes I want to go somewhere far away and not have to bother with it all. 

This month I spent more than $1000 dollars on Saturday and Sunday classes to catch up on my studies after being out of college for more than 4 years. Yet here I am in the middle of class completely unable to tune into the study flow. The magic of the past is gone, and every class feels like a huge slog uphill. Now I feel stupid for paying for this class and trying to get back into it at all. I should have stuck with those free coursera stuff online.

I can't believe that it's already 6 years since graduation. Those years went by in a flash and I'm still stuck as a helpless nobody with nothing to show for it. If I knew how'd my life be like 6 years ago when I first graduated, I would have studied something else more useful/fulfilling. Instead, I was stupid and studied what I liked and hoped that thing would get better in the future. 

It has hasn't gotten better, and I don't think it will.