CW: MULTIPLE. Like everything, if you’re easily offended this ain’t for you. Also NSFW, oh and I cuss a lot in this post too. First post here and first thought “wow that’s a lot of rules” hope I don’t break any I’ve read them like 6 times so let’s go. Okay so now I can’t get sued So yeah with that being said let’s go: “I remember you was conflicted”- literally me 24/7. So like, imagine being austistic (aspergers specifically) and like not fitting the autistic stereotype. Like I’m a blunt savage (sorta like Eminem bc he has some similar conditions to me such as autism, adhd and ocd. Only difference is that he has bipolar1 not BPD) I say Eminem bc his music helped me a lot when I was younger. But yeah if I were to put my personality in one it would be Eminem. You have Marshall, the chill dude on the outside and then you have slim shady, the crazy fucker. Okay and how does that apply to me you say? Well normally I’m Marshall but if one bad thing happens in my day I can turn into slim shady, and the s stands for sociopath because i literally tend to mimic one. It’s fucking hard keeping my feelings to myself but I have to bc of the consequences. I even lack empathy in this state of mind too! I’ve tortured animals too(no dogs or cats, just cockroaches but when I see their legs moving super fast I laugh (in this state of mind)) but yeah murderous thoughts also happen, VERY often, I act “outta pocket” as my friend says and I just flip. I even showed him dog videos and he literally told me “this was awful why are you laughing?” Like literally! On some liveleak type shit! And then the next day I’m crying in my bed because I actually feel bad for the dog and I wouldn’t wanna be them in that situation. One thing that stays constant is the manipulation. Jesus Christ. Sometimes it’s useful, otherwise it’s harmful to myself because I now have to live a lie that I created. An “alternate reality” as I would call it. I also like changing my hairstyle after certain events happen because I don’t wanna be that person in the past, or because I’m bored and I can’t stick to my routine of hair (my adhd trait). Speaking of routine? I’ve eaten eggs for breakfast for the past 20 years of my life (my autism trait). I also suck balls at flirting (autism trait) primarily because I can’t just say “hey let’s fuck” to girls. So I kinda have to copy their personality (autism and bpd here) to get what I want (whether it be sex or a relationship) as an adaptation to how a woman thinks (straight male here). I also have to play this “innocent boy” act and pretend to be the biggest prude ever so they don’t leave me (fear of abandonment bpd). The thing is, I don’t know how to cross that boundary between friendship and intimacy and I don’t know how because I’m so fucking dense and I just interpret things differently a lot. I don’t know when to stop playing innocent boy until they’ve said “I like you”. Because I legitimately cannot understand implied meaning when it comes to flirting (autism). Oh speaking of girls, some of them I OBSESS over like tooooo much. Like they become my world on some creepy shit like I’d make them my wallpaper. Yeah I know, creepy. (Autism, bpd, and ocd are working together here). I also sometimes remember a thing they said to me and I’d repeat that thought like a million times before I’m satisfied (ocd working here) or until I “get my dopamine in” (I heard adhd/autism brains lack dopamine but this is unconfirmed don’t kill me if I’m wrong). The best part of having all the four conditions is getting pulled over. The bright lights blinding me, the fear of getting shot, the loud sirens destroying my ears, the cop trying to talk to me hopefully not thinking I have a gun in my car, me trying to put my hands on the wheel trying to calmly answer every question before I have a meltdown without repeating any words, my showing my DL and insurance without shaking, and making sure they leave a certain exact distance before so I can go back to speeding. Oh and I also come home and replay that entire scene in my head like a million times before I get my dopamine in so yeah fuck ocd and autism for that. Like I’ll legit stand there for an hour trying to decipher the shit that happened just so my brain can process wtf happened. Now if slim shady gets pulled over, I don’t feel fear. Totally calmed down and I remember I even successfully flirted with a young cop too and made her laugh! Hah! (I should’ve asked for her number but I figured it was too much of a stretch). That’s probably why I got out of the ticket with a warning, thank god. So sometimes it’s just one disorder working against me and others it’s multiple so if any bpd stuff doesn’t fit you, it might be due to the other three magnifying/shrinking the effect just FYI. But yeah being an emotionally unstable, socially inept, hyperactive, lazy, and obsessive person sounds like I have all the odds against me lol. I’m sure people got it worse than me and I’m grateful that I don’t have to deal with what they go through so I’m grateful for that. Thanks for reading this I love y’all have a great day!