I just recently found out that I have sychophrenia affective disorder mania deppression anxiety personality disorder and ptsd after my second suicide attempt. Backstory first I was in a abusive relationship for ten years with my two childrens father. I finally got out after my then 5 year old daughter saved my life by attacking her father after he had choked me unconscious. The torture I endured from that relationship was indescribable. I never planned on being with anyone else after that. Then I decided to go on a dating site where I had seen my now husband. We new each other through my ex. Total surprise for both of us I think. I fell so hard for this man. He made me feel like I didnt have to be anyone other then myself and I was so in love. We moved in shortly after dating. We moved really fast. I see that now. We got married in our first year of dating and our son shortly followed. I was so in love and I had so much trust in this man that I lived my life as if there was no wrongdoing he could ever do. Early really early in our relationship he was sleeping with other girls and I did sleep with one person. I didnt tell him and he ended up leaving one day messaging me. I woke up to my whole world crashing down. He said he new and he was not comming back till I told him. I lied and lied for fear he would us. I told the truth. The problem was he said he put an app on my phone and he knew I was still sleeping around on him. It wasnt true. I brought up a lie detector test. 400 dollars. He told me that if I passed we could be but if i couldnt come clean before hand we were done. I passed. He told me he woukd never bring any of it up again if he was wrong because I dealt with weeks of him saying things to me that were really hurtful. He lied. Not only did he lie but he also said he doesnt believe in lie detector test at all. Everyday ive been making up for what I did to him. My guilt for what I did to him qnd how much I actually did love him turned me into a person that mad him my top priority. I would do anything for him and he knows that. He started leaving all the time after our son was born. Excuse after excuse. I went through his phone and emails and found little things here and there. I bring it up and I'm the bad guy. It got to the point I put apps and paid a lot of money for them because I knew he was seeing someone else. He left over night with a excuse that was a flat out lie. After about 6 months of me being alone dealing with our 3 kids and working a full time job the stress of everything was taking a toll on everyone. But I was the one that was suffering the most. Being alone left with no explanation as to why he was gone all the time and why girls were always meszaging him he would say I was crazy and he tattoos for a living and I have to get used to it. I sat for hours waiting for him. When he said he was just going to the store I would put on a sexy outfit and sit and wait for a husband that was not coming back. I feel into such a deep depression and suicide was already in the making. I reached out to him but he didn't want to listen. Just fire back at me with some rediculas stuff sbout me. My money was not wasted because he left and said he was just going outside but he was messaging his ex asking to meet up on a secret messenger on Facebook that had every single girl I was ever worried about on it. He finally told me yeah he was doi g stuff with other woman but no sex. He didnt even care. I knew there was so much more. He then told me he had a threesome with two girls I knew he wws around. So I took a bottle of pills with a bunch of alcohol woke up in the hospital being told by my husband he took our son and was packing his stuff. I went to the crazy hous for three days and he picked me up and we were going to try to work things out. Later he told me I was so set there was more that he just told me the threesome thing becsuse he thought I would leave everything alone if he did have something else to say. I found out that I have psycho phrenic affective disorder PTSD anxiety depression and mania. Not only have I dealt with this and so so much more that i cant even explain but now i am mentally ill because of it. My husband is two people. There is the husband i thought I knew the one that could do no wrong. Then there is the sneaky son of a ***** that left me sick and didnt even look twice when his wife really needes him. We have been struggling since. He always says he is going to leave me and he knows I freak out because I'm the one that actually wants this marriage to work. He broke down just recently and apologized for everytbing he ever did to me. I thought it was genuine. But seriously how am I supposed to know what his intentions are when he still cant be honest. I feel like my whole world is just being taken from me piece by piece. My happy life is now a mess. I'm still hanging on but I dont know how to begin to pick up from this. A week ago I found him talking to one of those girls again. I know most of you will say this is unhealthy. I get that. But if you guys uderstood how he is at home and how he is when he is lieing and being that other person you would see how hard it is to figure out whats what. I dont even know what to do. We have girls parading around My house weekly because of tattoos. He doesnt even make me feel like I'm there. Even now i sit here alone with my crazy thoughts wondering why my life is so empty. It always has been. I have no goals no ability to do anything other then be with my 3 kids. No time alone to myself. I have no hobbies no job no friends and i might as well not have a husband either. I feel like its wasted space for me to exsist