I have struggled with my mental health since 2019 starting with terrible depression and loneliness, I was doing pretty good for a while then 2020 came round. I developed an ED, Luckily I was able to get better from it but it completely destroyed any self esteem I had left. I struggle intensely with my self esteem always feeling ugly and unworthy of anything. I sometimes get a good day or few days where I think things are lightening up, Like maybe I'm getting better and maybe I'm not as horrible as I think I am giving me a bit of hope. Only for the very next day to be absolutely disgusted with myself. I am so tired of getting hope that things are changing only for it to be shattered the next day it's so exhausting. These problems make it hard enough to live but then on top of all this I'm living with my abusive mother and lost my dad to a heart attack. He was the only good parent I had, With him I felt loved and cared about he would stand up for me when my mom was being an absolute bitch. Now he's gone and I can barely even think of his passing or allow myself time to grieve since I'm already hurting over a sea of other problems. All of this has made me self harm, It started in around early to mid 2021. I had been clean for 2 months only for me to have a break down today and go right back to square one, I'm so done. Cutting seems like the only way out, Sometimes it feels like it's either this or just kill myself and I'm not going to let my family burry another one. I'm holding on by what seems like a thread at this point, I'm just simply existing nothing more. I have no friends, no passions, no happiness, nothing to live for I just sit in my room rotting in front of a computer screen. I need help but I just don't know how to get it, The idea of having to open up to my family enough to get therapy just seems undoable. I don't want them to see me as this weak little thing that can't handle their own problems or have them think of me any differently. I fear it will change their way of viewing me for good and the last thing I need is for the rest of my family to turn on me. It just feels like there's no way out like I just have to sit here letting all of this happen praying that one day I'll be okay again. I know if I don't get help I can't even promise myself I'll still be around in a couple years, I know therapy is expensive and I don't want to put that on my family. Cause in my mind I'm simply not worth the cost. I just don't know what to do or how to get the help. Please give me advice.