Ok buckle up because this is gonna be a doozy. 

In june, my boyfriend of a year-who was also my FP at the time-dumped me. Or more specifically, he blamed all of our relationship problems on me, dumped me in a manner that was uncharacteristicly harsh, and then immediately starting dating the guy he had been CHEATING ON ME WITH for the first month or so of our relationship. And it was one of the worst breakups i've ever been through. For all of the asshole things he did, he was really such a gentle guy and a loving boyfriend, and he made me the happiest I had been in a long while.

So some time passes, things are going terribly for me, and Im constantly on the brink of suicide. I felt more unloveable than I ever had before, and he wasn't even the first FP I've had abandon me. Now, here is where I should mention that Im still friends with the guy at this point. Best friends, actually, despite the fact that he still blows up at me for little to no reason and he still does mean things to me without apologizing. We're ridiculously close for two people who just had one of the world's messiest breakups, and I still idolize the shit out of him.  And of course it's terrible, especially considering he's already moved on, but I just cant make myself not love him.

Around september, I start dating this really pretty, cool chick. The relationship doesnt really go anywhere, we break it off mutually about a month later. And we remain friends, because that's actually appropriate in this situation. Im not too torn up over it, but eventually it starts to hurt. Two breakups in such a short timespan hasn't done my already-miniscule concept of self worth any good, but that doesnt last long. My opinions of my ex boyfriend do a complete 180. I can see him for the asshole he had been, and he's suddenly no longer my FP. And I can tell it isnt just me switching, and i'm elated to be free from the shackles of my own idealism. But I feel really empty without having someone I can love obsessively, so I guess my hell brain started to assign me these passionate crushes without my consent. I go through a few short phases of this spontaneous, seemingly unbiased infatuation with the most random people. And then, eventually, it gets narrowed down to one guy. The one my illness has decided that I NEED to have, and If I can't, then i'll just have to kill myself. And of course, its a fucking teacher!

Not a real teacher, but pretty fucking close. He's a teacher aide for my english teacher, and I fall completely in love with him. The real kicker, though, is that he seems to try to flirt with me or something similar pretty frequently. It's hard to tell because he's just so awkward, but he'd been randomly doing these little flirty things ever since I had first met him two years before. And I had, at the time, actually considered him to be pretty gross and creepy for it. 

But anyway here I am, in real time, absolutely OBSESSED with this man. I think about him all the time. I dream about him. He's teaching english for the month while our teacher is out, and I cant even look at him anymore without getting all sweaty and shakey and freaked out. And things were made worse when last week, he encouraged me to sign up for a program to assist me with school-to-life transitioning and all that jazz. So guess who's going to be providing me with personal counseling on a regular basis for the forseeable future! I'm sure you guessed correctly.

So the situation lies here. He seems like a nice guy. And he seems to really want to help me, which I appreciate. And im grateful of course to be in the program, but I'm not sure If I could handle all of that alone time with him. Half of me is scared i'll impulsively do something like give him my number or even kiss him and he'll be disgusted. The other half is scared that we'll end up together, but it'll ruin his career or land him in jail. I cannot express how devistated I would be if either of those things happen, but being so in love with him is one of the only things I have going for me right now. I dont have many friends, nobody within a 20-mile radius finds me to be anything but ugly and a loser, and my life as a whole has been not so great right now. But then again, if I let this culminate and he inadvertently becomes my new FP, we're both pretty much fucked no matter what happens.

I'm so sorry for such a long, boring post, but I wanted you all to see where I was coming from before I came right out with the "so im in love with a man 11 years older than me" bit. I hate predators and abusers with every aching ounce of my being but I can't seem to stop myself from actively seeking them out, likely because of trauma/illness. If anyone has any valuable advice or coping strategies or ANYTHING to say that may help me, please do. Because i'm so confused and upset and I just want to come out of this as stable and healthy as I can.