TW: Disordered eating, dissociation, travel anxiety

I've had anxiety essentially my whole life but sometimes it's worse than usual. This is one of those times.

One of my biggest anxiety triggers is unknowns. I need to know what's happening or I get so anxious that I get sick. I'll eat less or barely at all and my gag reflex will kick in if I try to force it. I have trouble sleeping. I get tension headaches and it's hard for me to focus and I can dissociate for long periods of time. 

My wife and I are going to an event that she's working soon. I've been to this one multiple times, but this time I have to drive a van that isn't mine and I've only driven twice. My preference for driving to large cities is that we get to where we're going, I park, and then the car *does not move* until we're ready to leave again. Unfortunately, instead of booking one of the hotels close to the event like my wife always does, she booked us an apartment and wants me to drive us in every day. 

My wife can't drive. She has debilitating driving anxiety and never learned and has health concerns that might make learning unsafe. I also have driving anxiety that kept me from getting my license until I was 21. I still get extremely anxious over certain things, especially driving places when I don't know where I'm going and parking in the city. 

I told her that I wished I didn't have to go at all and she told me that I always travel to this city with her so what's different this time. I expressed my anxiety over the apartment and where we're going to park. Her response was that "I'm sure they'll send us that information" and "I think you're overreacting." I shut down after that because of *course* I'm overreacting. If I wasn't overreacting, it wouldn't be an anxiety *disorder*. I also started the conversation hoping she'd reassure me by providing me with the apartment information and parking instructions, so the fact that I have no idea if/when we're going to receive that information was like throwing kerosene on the flames. We're both in therapy for diagnosed anxiety disorders, so it's not like she doesn't have personal experience with what anxiety is like.

I got so anxious on Tuesday that I spent three hours compulsively looking up psychiatrists, reading reviews, and figuring out how hard of a drive it would be to get to each office. I called one on Wednesday to make an appointment, but the earliest one I could get isn't until December. Therapy, lately, just hasn't been enough and I don't have an appointment with my therapist until *after* the event. 

I just really want this to be over.