To start things off, shit hit the fan for me when my dog unexpectedly died in front of me in my bedroom this January. I was a mess, but thought I was very slowly healing. Hah, yeah sure, buddy. A month after her passing, I had a panic attack, but I didn't know what it was, so I ended up in the ER. After some tests, doctor said it was probably just a panic attack because things look fine otherwise. I did feel a bit better after that. Then it happened again, and it was so bad I literally couldn't sleep. Went to the ER again, they did more tests, same shit again. And from then on I have occasional anxiety induced panic attack. It will just start building up seemingly randomly until my heart feels like it's going to explode, my jaw locks, I'm shaking and have a hard time breathing.

As luck will have it, ATM I have to look after an old dog who is at the end of its life, and while going on a ride to the vet, because she was doing super poorly yesterday evening, I started having really bad anxiety. We had to stop, so I could get out of the car and get some air. Right now I'm just lying on the sofa while the other person is with her at the vet, because my limbs are so heavy I can barely move, I'm shaking, my jaw locks up, I feel extreme weakness and nausea-type thing, and my heart is at its usual racing speed. I also just cried because it sucks. I was contemplating going to the ER, but fuck, I always feel stupid and embarrassed.

It sucks. So much. Anxiety, depression, random panic attacks that render me non-functional, slight disassociation now and then. One day I'll feel fine and the next I feel like I'm about to die a terrible death.