I burden all my friends and family with my negativity and I can't stop. They act supportive, comforting and helpful to my face, but then gossip to each other about how pitiful I am &amp; that I play the victim. I don't play the victim on purpose, though. I'm being honest because I am an abuse victim of multiple times. I can't stand when people think they're above me. I hate to think they don't genuinely want to be my friend and just do it out of pIty. I'm looking for empathy, not patronizing. 

I'm aware of my over sharing but also consider myself to be a good listener. I have listened to my friends cry for hours and tried to take care of them. I try hard to ask about ways I can be supportive too. 

I try to journal every day, but it feels like talking to myself. I usually prefer to get out of my head and confide in someone more rational who can also provide constructive feedback as well as comfort. But it isn't worth driving my support system away. 

Why do I do this? How can I stop? I'm in so much pain, but I'd rather bear it alone if being treated like a freak is the result of reaching out to friends who say they're always here for you. But I can't blame them, either, if they feel drained by me.