My whole life I remember not wanting to be around my mom because of how she acted and how she would gaslight us (those are the few moments I do remember) but I can only remember small moments of it so she think's I'm making it up because I can't tell her what she did. 

In Junior year of high school my depression got really bad. I had a lot of things that weren't diagnosed (depression, anxiety, mild OCD, and ADHD) and it made me suffer. I started cutting myself which went on for months before my school found out and called her. I went to an emergency therapy session to figure out why In was doing this and all I can remember after she picked me up was this thick silence in the air and what happened when we pulled into the parking spot. 

She yelled at me for being selfish and inconsiderate and that I have no reason to have cut myself, let alone be this depressed. I don't cry, ever. Which is a big problem and I wish I did, but every time I think about that moment I just hear her voice telling me what a disappointment I am and I want to break down and let it all out but I can't because there's something wrong with me. 

I haven't talked to her for a long time which is probably a good thing. The last time we did talk (about 3 months ago) I tried to explain some of her toxic behaviors and she said that I was disrespectful and that she didn't want me in her life. So that was that and I blocked her. 

Later on she called my sister and made me talk to her and she tried to tell me "that's not what I meant. You're putting words in my mouth" and after I had enough of her excuses I hung up and haven't talked to her since. 

I unblocked her to see if/when she sent me anything and the most recent thing I got from her was: 

"I talked to Aunt \*\*\*\* about what you said. She explained that some of my behavior was emotional abuse. Not text book, but it was. That was so hard for me to hear. That last text you sent was super mature and not angry. I was super impressed. I am extremely sorry for not being a great Mom. That is all I wanted to be, a great mother. When you were in my belly, I researched how to be a good mother. I thought I had it nailed. I don't know what else to say but I am sorry. I hope someday you will forgive me."

I ignored her text for a week. I didn't have anything to say, and I didn't want to keep repeating this viscous cycle. Besides, I knew for a fact that just because her sister said that it wasn't textbook doesn't mean it wasn't. None of them know anything about abuse let alone psychology. Exactly a week to the minute I got another text from her. 

"I'm telling you that you are right, I am wrong and you will not acknowledge me?"

I got that text last month on the 26th. I could have responded, telling her that she was right. She is a fuck up and I don't want anything to do with her because of what she did to us. I don't know if I should even give her the time of day to write this rant. This whole situation sucks and I wish I had a family that was actually happy and wanted to see each other on the holidays. But we all hate each other, and ever since my parents divorce her whole family has treated my dad like the worst human being ever. 

I want to believe her that she's realized how bad she screwed up, but I also don't. Her whole family is like this, where they get defensive, make things up to make themselves look good, or just throw money at their issues and hope it goes away. I just get so angry whenever I even imagine her face and never want to see her again. But then I hear about these moments my girlfriend has with her mom, where they can laugh and be happy together and I get so sad because I'll never have that with her. I don't know if that's because I want it to happen but I can't let myself be happy, or if its because even if it does happen I know its because my mom wants to be seen as the perfect mother.

&amp;#x200B;

TL;DR: My mom sucks, and I wont ever have a good relationship with her or her family.