Hello there, I was wondering if somebody could give me their opinion on my symptoms and if there is a chance I have ASPD or maybe a narcissist etc. I’d like to start by saying I am not one of those stupid people who wants to be edgy and wants someone to tell them they have something seriously wrong with them. I have BPD and can prove that any day. Recently I have felt like there is something else wrong with me and I know it isn’t just the bpd, I honestly think there is more than one thing wrong with me. 

I was diagnosed with BPD at age 17 just before my 18th birthday and I am nearly 20 now. I do struggle with relationships and I’m obsessed with the thought of my partner cheating on me and even if they were to prove my thoughts are wrong I will 100% believe my thoughts and that consumes my day, but maybe that is the BPD or my paranoia. I don’t fear abandonment or anything like that.. which is weird and has me thinking that maybe I was misdiagnosed with BPD because I was young and my therapist at the time pressured my psychiatrist into diagnosing me so I could get therapy as an adult. 

Anyway, here is the odd stuff- I like to test my partner on words he has said so if he says something in response to my questions then I will later on test him to see if his words match up and if they don’t then I will deliberately start getting aggressive, I will degrade him and tell him he’s worthless and doesn’t deserve me in his life. I break him down to the bone just to see the pain in his face and see him struggle and that gives me some sort of sick kick. When I see emotions off of him it makes me worse and makes me want to hurt him more. When he cries I call him weak, tell him I don’t love him and other things which make him break more. If I see him in pain it gives me pleasure, I love to manipulate him and lie constantly just because I have nothing else to do. Seeing people in pain is a struggle of mine. I don’t feel like a human, I feel constantly dead inside and constantly bored. 

I have very low empathy and I can’t empathise with anybody because I just can’t. Nobody means anything to me if I’m being serious. I’ve been in a relationship for just over two years with this guy and I don’t love him, I just use him for the sex and the attention to be quite honest. He gives me money, pays my rent and gives me material items and so that keeps me cuffed to him. When I see him in pain it makes me laugh in a sadistic way, it gives me a thrill. 

I like to see people depend on me and breath for me but if they don’t I’m quite satisfied alone. Let’s talk about me being alone, my friendship group is none existent and I hate being around people, I will charm someone when I have to but otherwise my own company is better. I purposely say horrible things to people just to get a reaction from them and pass the time. 

I also have little emotions, when I was younger I seemed to have more emotions and maybe that’s what lead me to the bpd diagnosis but now all my emotions seemed to be suppressed and gone. I don’t think I feel love or any other emotions as much as others do and I repeatedly tell my boyfriend that but he ignores it. 

But one thing that is different about me is that I don’t need attention to live, I could happily be left alone and I couldn’t give a damn. I have intrusive thoughts and let me tell you, they’re disgustingly evil. When I was in my early teens I spent years alone with my thoughts and came out of school at age 13, I had a lot of time alone by myself and maybe that is why I’m able to be left alone but everybody loves the attention from time to time don’t they? As a child my mother told me I used to draw photos of her falling down the stairs or pictures of her with captions like I hate you and die, for a 8 year old that’s quite unusual. But my narcissist dad emotionally abused me and brain washed me into thinking she was the problem. 

As a child I didn’t get much love from anybody and my relationship with my mother isn’t your usual I love you mum or the hugging type. It’s simply just she gives me rides where I want to go or just a friend kinda relationship. When I meet friends I don’t keep them for long unless they’re interesting at least, I block them after a few days unless they have benefits to me, I don’t use them for their money or anything but if I am offered it I’ll take it, it’s more about if they have a car I could use, constantly there for me and stuff like that. I can use people from all degrees but sometimes it can be simple things as to why I keep them in my life. 

The most dangerous side to me is that I have strangled my bf and I have gotten violent with him to the point of his face bleeding and I get so mad at him that I give him black eyes and cut open his body and I take photos of it afterwards. ( they do know about this and are trying to help me me work on it) don’t know why I take photos but I know I like to see others pain. I know that I need help for that. I was going to leave this out but I think it’s best that I add it in.. my eyes also go black and I completely zone out. 

(I’ll be posting a separate post about paranoia) I have bad paranoia and always think somebody is listening and that someone is always following me, but my father stalked me as a child so I think that’s why. But also I think the narcissist thoughts come in because sometimes I think I’m too good for people and if someone is ugly and has nothing good to them then I will NOT associate myself with them. I will not walk outside with somebody less than me. I always go for the best and I wouldn’t give those who are weak the time of day. I (I will be getting assessed hopefully but due to Covid my psychiatrist hasn’t called me) 

I KNOW I ADDED A LOT IN, IT IS JUST BECAUSE I WANTED SOMEBODY TO SEE MY WHOLE STORY AND NOT JUST A PART OF IT.