*venting post kinda*

When i was in my teenage years i was so unbelievable desperate to find someone to love me, it started way back to elementary school. 
Of course causal sexism in the world around me had a hand in it but i cannot express how absolutely fcking feral i was to find a guy to like me back.
As years progress i started to sexualize myself alot and by the time highschool came around i was meeting with random guys to hook up because i kinda had this sick idea in my head that having sex with someone will bound to have one fall in love with me.
I was very clingy, obsessive, verbally abusive and the pain that ran through my whole body every day is something i genuinely never to feel again, it feels like someone is ripping my lungs and heart out while someone is jumping on them at the same time, the more the feeling intensified the more impulsive and obsessive i would get, i just wanted the pain to stop.
In highschool a guy friend and i started dating and he ended up cheating on me, at first i was okay with it? like i was being pretty naïve but as the weeks and months grew the more it really settled in me, i was completely shut off at that point, every day i woke up and was so disappointed i was still here.
I was able to get a little better mentally after a couple years but i never dated again after.
Now that im 23 ive been able to grasp how toxic i was being and really identified that i *cant* control these things i feel, and it hurts, i dont want to ever feel that way again and i never want to make someone feel like shit or uncomfortable. 
ive learned to be at a distance, i have crushes but whenever i think about it- i ask myself if im able and ready to give someone my undivided attention and love? and the answer is always no, im not, and i dont think ill ever be, im never the same person it seems  when i wake up every day, i never know my true feelings and it seems so unfair to put someone through that, it feels like im using them as test subject. 
im terrified of making someone feel so loved and then one day i wake up and i dont have a want to know them anymore, it always seems to happen.
No one ever understands, people ask why im single or not dating and they always think im being dramatic but i genuinely do not trust or like myself and having a stranger come into my life is just… i dont know