Hi everyone. It took me a long time to decide to post here, mainly because I do not have a straight BPD diagnosis. I am a 23-year-old with high-functioning autism, a very frequent poster on RBN, and have recently discovered I have very prominent and severe BPD traits. I have not been diagnosed with the disorder itself because my psych told me he cannot be sure if the BPD traits would still be present without the autism, and therefore he does not "want to stick me with a label without being unable to be entirely certain." It turns out BPD and borderline tendencies are very common comorbidities in autistic women, and in fact the two are so damn close that they are often considered symptoms of eachother. I also have NPD traits that I've been told are learned and not inherited--they are not an indicator of NPD itself. 

These BPD traits have been silently destroying my life since I was a child and would have continued to do so if I hadn't finally been made aware of them. A close friend of mine encouraged me to do some research after he admitted to me that he didn't start feeling suicidal until I showed up and the two of us got close. It turns out I had been ruining this man's life. I think what I discovered is that I just don't GET relationships. I don't GET love. It's not that I can't love. But for some reason I have no idea on, the kind of love I display is not the way you are supposed to love people. I'm having trouble describing it, but if someone asks me to name a person that I love and explain why, I will, and then describe all of the things they do for me that makes me love them. Apparently, that's not what love is supposed to be. But it's the only way I've ever known how to love people. If it's the wrong way, then I don't know the right way.  

I threw a tantrum at every wedding I've ever been to since I was 7 years old, to the point when it was finally decided it's best not to let me go to weddings anymore. I lost several friends of mine due to raging at them once they got a job, or a boyfriend, or any other reason they had not to be around me all the time anymore. I've ruined other people's birthdays, milestones, and special occassions countless times...the earliest memory I have of that is being 8 years old and literally usurping a classmate's birthday party, causing her to cry until I had to be removed from the room. I've done horrible, horrible things to people that I will never be able to make up for or take back. I fell in love with a man overseas and tried to force him to immigrate to America so he could live with me. He broke up with me after one too many arguments; he didn't want to move  to America, it was too expensive, he didn't want to leave his family, I yelled at him because he wanted to go and do stuff with his family on some days instead of with me, I yelled at him because his mother was in the room and he was talking to her, I yelled at him because he wanted to go play a game with his friends, I threatened suicide when he broke up with me. I would need several sets of fingers and toes in order to be able to count how many times I've threatened to kill myself when friends of mine told me they didn't want to be my friend anymore. 

So I've had this monster inside of me all of my life until I found out the monster had a name. But now that I know what it is, I've been in treatment for it ever since and there has been some progress. Unfortunately, it's been very slight progress, but progress is still progress. We've learned a lot--it turns out the BPD might have manifested as a result of abuse and neglect (and therefore severely neglected and maltreated autism) throughout my childhood. There's also a lot of attachment disorders involved in there...a lot of people thought I had RAD before the BPD traits were discovered. We don't know how long it's going to take and we aren't going to hope for a cure. All we can do is take it day by day...and keep me out of situations in which I'm going to end up hurting other people. My psych told my caregivers that all of my social situations should be structured and in controlled environments. I go to day and evening programs when I'm not at school. 
