Hey, I am struggling with life right now. Well I have for a long time. 

A little background:

I am 26 years old, had a traumatic childhood and was finally placed in foster care when I was 15 years old. The authorities involved in my childhood case acknowledged that I was abused (because my abuser was the one who confessed cause he heard a rumour that I was pregnant), but instead of removing me at 11 years old or removing him from my family home, they left me in the house with him, with my abuser. He was charged and put on the sex offenders register but I was still made to live in the same house as him. When I was 11, I did think this was a weird situation, but now I have my child case file from social services I realise there was absolutely no reason why social work made the decisions they did. The whole report is centred around the abuse I went through. So it doesn’t make any sense to me why they kept me living in the house with my abuser. Anyway, I started self harming (cutting my wrists) when I was 11 in an attempt for social work to see I wasn’t ok because they weren’t listening to me. Anyway, eventually I was placed in care when I was 15. 

I had 3 foster families in the 4 years I was in foster care. And when I left care I was placed by social work into a homeless hostel. And I finally got a council flat later that year. I’ve tried to make a life for myself despite my past. I am about to graduate from Dundee University in June with a Masters in Mathematics. I am so proud of how far I have come but I’m not ok mentally. 

It’s taking years for me to realise that my behaviour isn’t normal. I have no friends. I keep myself to myself. I can’t trust anyone to form any kind of relationships because everyone has either abused me or have been fake friends. Over the course of my degree I have came increasingly depressed. I don’t see the point in anything I am doing. There is no point or purpose to my life because I’m just surviving. Not living. I stopped self harming when I was around 19 years old. But I think about it too often now, like I need to kind of release I got from cutting myself (psychotic, I know). I resist because my thoughts aren’t just about cutting, but doing it the “correct” way to end my life. I would say I’ve been suicidal for around 2 years. For the last 6 months I’ve basically just locked myself away in my flat (I live alone) and I’ve just deteriorated so much over this time. 

I can identify when I’m not ok and what behaviours are not “normal”. And I think I know what is wrong. But I feel like no one would help because people who are feeling the way I do don’t ask for help and if they do they are just attention seeking (views around university). Considering everything I honestly think I’m suffering from Complex PTSD and Depression. But I’m scared to get help and get diagnosed. And I’m scared of the impact the diagnosis will having on future careers. 

If I get the courage to speak about what is wrong with me and how I am feeling with a professional, who is best to speak to? A gp doctor or a psychiatrist?