I don't want to actively commit suicide. But I don't have the - I don't know the word for it- patience or interest in living anymore. In fact, the Idea of a painless death excites me - maybe a cardiac arrest in my sleep or something like that. I don't particularly have the will to live anymore - life is difficult, I'm just stuck and unable to move forward in my career due to multiple reasons. In fact, the only reason I'm still alive is because I love my Mom - I love her more than anything in this world, she has done so much for me, and me dying would absolutely devastate her, and there's no way I'll do that to her. But I often wonder about the fact that - the only reason I'm alive is for my Mother, I myself am not particularly interested in continuing this life. What should I do about this?