I had an abusive, alcoholic dad. Strict parents who never let me pursue anything I liked as a child. Heck they even didn’t let me make friends. As a result I became really socially anxious and don’t have much friends. I’ve always been bullied for being short, girls rejected me for that. One even told me that I’m perfect but I’m too short for her. As a result of my social anxiety, I developed a masturbation addiction. It helped me cope, but I really hated myself for masturbating too much. I hated everything about my life and tried to commit suicide a few times albeit they were rather weak attempts. My pathetic body couldn’t handle the pain of hurting myself so I stayed alive. I survived, because I really wanted to go after my dreams. I decided to not give up on life and give it another chance, on my terms. I really looked forward to adulthood and college so I worked really hard in high school, determined to prove to myself that I am worth something. I succeeded, and got into one of the best colleges in my country. The porn addiction started going away. Life didn’t seem too bad then. However due to the pandemic I haven’t even gotten to go to college once and it’s been nearly two years. I worked really hard yet things have begun to unravel for me again. I’m going bald really fast, and due to my parents’ negligence when I was a child, the severe overbite in my upper teeth which makes me look really ugly and also makes me struggle to pronounce words and string sentences together is gonna be really expensive to fix. I’m nearly broke, in a third world country where jobs are nearly impossible to get, especially for students like myself who are subject to racism by our own countrymen and are always neglected in favour of others unless we are rich or in a position of power. The masturbation addiction is back, I guess because I’m really in a bad state and I’m looking for something to help me cope. I recently turned 20 and I feel like this is it for me. I tried fighting, and I’ve never been one to give up easily, but these past few months have been the worst of my life, and I really don’t have it in me to keep fighting. I feel like I’m done, I’m just overwhelmed, depressed and anxious about everything 24/7 and I just want it to end. I just wish I was actually courageous enough to kill myself and get it over with.