Since I’ve moved in with my boyfriends mothers home with him a year ago under the promise that he was purchasing a house and we would only stay here for a month at the latest. I left my house and even changed jobs at his recommendation (because I trusted him) where I was bullied to the point of a panic attack on an almost nightly basis by his coworkers. At the same time I was dealing with that I already deal with PTSD from childhood sexual trauma as I was abused by a family member a number of time and later on in life by my mothers boyfriend, which tends to cause dissociation on a pretty regular basis. It also causes me to feel dirty about having sex at all. Knowing this, he refused to wear a condom and several months ago I became pregnant while on the pill. He forced me to get an abortion or I couldn’t live with him. So I did. And I hate myself for it. I feel that I’m a murderer. I’ve self harmed and always try not to but I do slip up every now and again. His mother is an evil disgusting woman who hoards and lives in buckets of her own piss and shit. I’ve cleaned this place to the point of finally being livable and have never gotten so much as a thank you from either my boyfriend or his mother. I don’t know what’s wrong with her in the head but she will sometimes just flip out and call me names (whore, bitch, etc.) she’s seen the scars on my wrist then made fun of me, told me to go cut myself, told me all the sexual trauma I experienced (my boyfriend disclosed to her this info without my permission) was something I deserved. It’s very triggering. Ive has episodes of psychosis where I am afraid she’s been talking with them on the phone and am convinced she’s disclosed my location to my abusers or my mother and it’s taken days to calm down from it. I’ve already cut and been sent to the hospital for it. Today she purposely let out both of my cats (which are two of the few sources of happiness I have left) on purpose. Then she laughed at me for it. I’ve walked this entire town for 7 hours and haven’t been able to find them. I’ve been unable to eat, sleep, or function because of the anxiety she purposely causes me for fun. Today I flipped the fuck out. Worse than normal. I’ve tried talking about this all in the past and I just feel that it falls on deaf ears. I told him today that since I’ve been with him all he’s done is take everything from me and make excuses for his mother who gets off on bullying me. I said if he cared about me at all he would stop letting her treat me like this. He still maintains that it was an accident on her part to let my cats out but I told him to go fuck himself because dealing with BPD and PTSD is hard enough. I didn’t need them both taking my last tiny little sources of happiness. So I got a hotel room and told him I’ll be back if he decides to handle it. He says he doesn’t know where this is coming from and im being ridiculous as I’ve been very careful in the past to distance myself from him and others when I’m splitting so I don’t say anything I’ll regret. I told him there’s only so much you can hit a person with before you finally break them.