I just came down from a 2 hour panic episode because my boyfriend was sleeping in super late and didn’t text me back for a while. This man was literally just sleeping and I was here in my apartment preparing myself for having to give all his stuff back because I was convinced his silence meant he hates me and was done with me. We’ve been together for 3 years and have a cat together. There has been absolutely nothing to indicate that he’s done with me. I’ve done nothing wrong. I still panic.

My father used to frequently walk out on my mom and I and use silence/ignoring as punishment for my entire childhood, and now as an adult I still can’t tell the difference between my friends having a life outside of their communication with me and not caring if I live or die. I’ve been in DBT for 2 years. I use my skills. I’ve stopped putting my shit on other people, but I still suffer on my own in silence because I am so fucking broken from my childhood. I literally start to panic if I don’t get a text back for a few hours because I’m so convinced I deserve to be abandoned. I’m convinced everyone around me is going to come to their senses about how undeserving I am one day and today must have been that day. At least with panicking quietly I’m not actively pushing them away with my franticness or neediness, but I actually feel like I’m dying every single time.  This is exhausting.