(Potential trigger warning) I just recently found out that my best friend and girl I loved has just killed herself. It's been days but I am still unable to feel anything except excruciating pain and guilt. We never dated but were always talking romantically. 6 months ago I got exposed for being cheating. Like I said we didn't date but we were exclusive to some degree. I deeply hurt her and ruined her. Since then I had been doing anything I could to make up for my mistake. She always brought it up and how it hurt her. I never gave up on her. I loved her. She was only 20.

Her mental health started to really decline within the last couple of months. Our relationship was always rocky but I couldn't leave her because she didn't have anybody else to reliably count on. I took her punches and rolled with it because I knew I could handle it. We went a month without talking and when we did start again she mentioned how she cut herself and possibly had attempted to end her life (I don't remember if she did or not). I come from a family where my sister also had struggled with depression so I took this very seriously. She had more incidents of her cutting herself. She had two other best friends who tried to reach out to her family to try to make them aware to no results.

She always talked to me about how her parents neglected her mental health. They were military and anything that could've possibly hurt her chances of getting in were not tolerated. She told me she was going to get diagnosed years ago but her parents took her out before she got the chance to get diagnosed and get help. They never believed her. A couple of weeks ago she had a big argument with her parents and swallowed some pills and alcohol. She drove herself to the hospital and ended up getting admitted into the mental hospital where she got out shortly after. I tried many times to just be there for her but she kept pushing me away.

Last Thursday she kept arguing with me about the past again and I started to finally get upset. I was in a different city an hour and a half away so this was all through phone. This lasted until she started to show signs of self harm. I called her and begged her to go to her family's house because she was alone at her apartment. I begged for her to go do something and to not be alone because I did not trust her to hurt herself. She kept lying to me saying her sister was going to come over and that she was going to be okay. At the same time I was texting her sister but she stopped responding so I assumed she was on her way to be with her. I remember one of my last texts to her being "Don't lie to me. I don't want to find out something happened because of it." That was the last I heard from her. Her family let me know what happened Saturday morning.

I blame myself and her family. Her family I blame because she had several attempts within a year and they ignored it all. I begged her sister to watch over her for me. Her friends tried to make her family aware. They were so quick to dismiss her mental issues. I blame her military family for putting her under so much pressure for a career she didn't want to go into. I blame myself for being part of the hurt in her life, for not being able to do more, for believing her lie.

I couldn't save her. I couldn't save the girl I loved. How do I go on in life losing such a beautiful soul and feeling all this guilt and anger? I talked to her every day and all day so I knew what she was really going through but I still wasn't enough. Im sorry if this post is confusing I will try to edit after but my mind is a mess currently.