NOTE: I have not been sexually abused, but I have felt sexually ashamed as a child.

This is a little personal, but here I go: sometimes when I am having sex (more often than not) with my boyfriend of a year and a half, I will start to feel like I am someone/ somewhere else. It doesn’t hinder my ability to orgasm. I’ve only ever been sexually active with him, though I have had sexual experiences with others that I can’t remember dissociating with (though I did not like those experiences). I don’t know. The things that I’m feeling/thinking about have nothing to do with sex and I am flashing in and out of it fighting to be present. 

It started out with colors. I’d feel or think about a specific color associated with what was going on sexually — not on purpose ofc... it just would happen. Now, however, it’s a little more prominent. Sometimes I just sort of feel like I’m a different person, or I’ll feel/see something completely unrelated to sex.

When I tried to explain it to my partner I thought he might relate to the “zoning out” aspect... but he just couldn’t. He was confused by most of it and he was moreso worried because it sounded *frankly* crazy. 

How do I explain this?

TLDR: can’t describe it very well: sometimes I just don’t feel like myself, and I feel like It’s holding me back from connecting to my partner. 