i've been crying a lot since 2019

from 2016 to 2019 i was emotionally abused and blackmailed not to transition

i was an anti-racist poet who wrote in the style of thomas bernhard

they were trying to groom me to access child pornography

they used a teenager to get to me, her story was she couldn't start hrt and felt suicidally depressed over testosterone's deleterious effects on her appearance. between that, the others, and my drug trauma, I wouldn't touch hrt drugs with a 10-foot pole till I thought my friend was safe

this trans teenager frequently dropped hints of having a problem with pedophilia

instead of learning she was safe, by 2019 i started to transition, at which point i experienced abusive silent treatments by the gang; and, to protect myself, i blocked them all

things didn't exactly get better and i would soon discover one of the assisting cyber abusers was a model living  near where i live

also when covid-19 happened i remembered my trans teenage friend's guilt-tripping claims to having a body that was physically fragile, and i was worried the virus would be the end of them

i reached out, learned she was acting strangely, and discovered she was working closely with minors

suddenly she, or some other adult, took down the social media sites for the place at which she worked

i went from being proud of my friend for founding that workplace, to feeling like her diabolical plan was to use her workplace to inflict psychological torture on me: ideas that she had been raping kids the whole time we  were corresponding

she started to flaunt signs of stalking me, in a way that implied she stalked me daily

she taunted me and updated her profile pictures everywhere to caricatures of me

she knew my drug induced homicidal thoughts that made me feel guilty and scared to start hrt, so, to add to the torture, she flaunted signs of being a would-be minority school shooter, causing me to report her for the third or fourth time

this all took place over the course of a few years and i'm seeing a therapist now who believes everything and i'm considering medication too

right now i have basically no money and i'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other

when i was younger i wrote a science fiction novel about brain to body transferring that was based on ghost in the shell, and lately it seems like this grooming gang sized on my novel and twisted some of the mind hacking themes into grooming themes

in the beginning the trans teenager seemed like the most relatable person ever and i didn't want to lose them to suicide - i really loved them - and i keep crying because a part of me really missed my friend

it's so much mental and cyber sexual abuse

there's a trans community around where i live but i feel like it's never enough or i can't get enough healing from them, no matter what i say, i always come right back to feeling extremely upset

i keep wondering how these people could be this cruel and manipulative and i'm equally amazed they're all so coordinated; it feels like there's too many of them and only one of me

i haven't been able to find work lately either and it seems like things are falling apart now

i'm writing this because i absolutely cannot focus on anything else