Hi all! I hope everyone is having as best a day as they can be.

I'm and 18 year-old trans woman who is borderline and bipolar.

&amp;#x200B;

My psychiatrist recently confirmed I am borderline, and he's always said that I've had borderline tendencies. Right now, my life is in shambles in a lot of ways, and I am struggling to find a motivation for chugging on, especially after confirmation of BPD. I care immensely about the people around me, and I unfortunately have recently been involved in a few toxic friendships that were nearly entirely my fault for becoming toxic. Now that those relationships have ended, I feel immensely guilty and depressed and I can't stop thinking of how much those people in my life who cared about me so much were hurt so deeply by my actions. I'm at a point where I have zero close friends, I am failing out of high school, and the only family members that speak to me are my mother, sister and grandmother.

I feel so much better about my body and presentation and much more comfortable in my skin after transitioning, but I feel like everything went downhill, so quickly, when I started transitioning. I had been to a therapeutic wilderness boarding school where I learned a lot of skills and strategies for dealing with emotions and conflict in a healthier way, and I feel that they have all but withered away. I feel so lost and alone and I feel like the only reason I do not hurt myself more often or kill myself is because I don't want to cause anyone any more pain. I just feel like my life is not worth living in the long run because the amount of people I'll likely hurt because of BPD/bipolar and my fear of being eternally bound to a pendulum of emotional disregulation and drastic mood swings. I love the people around me so much and I know they love me I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore...