I feel like I'll just be another statistic 

Maybe its a bit pretentious of me but hear me out 

For a long time, I knew something was wrong with how I was raised. I was being abused, tortured, and constantly in pain. Something wasn't right

I was told "its ok. she's just stressed. She still loves you" and she would tell me "I'm your mom. Just forgive me and don't tell anyone or ill go to jail"

It seemed I had no reason to feel sad, until it got unbearable 

Video games, anime, and my imaginary friends and worlds were no longer helping. These days they still don't help

So I was bored, and decided to look up "is it normal for your mom to call you a bitch everyday" and then I realized I wasn't normal. I didn't have a "happy" childhood or a "happy" life with "happy" parents

I was being abused

That was itched into my head as I became a teen. Suicidal thoughts and depression plagued my mind. Father enabled the abuse, and nobody else knew. I had to keep the secret while my mom build the perfect reputation 

Bullying existed in school, so I really had no one. Bullied in middle school, elementary, high school, and I was even sexually assaulted in university where I still am

Its the story of my life, being abused and not being believed or taken seriously 

But anyways, back to where I was 

One day I genuinely had enough and attempted to harm myself. I was taken to a hospital for about a month. I hated it there. The staff was horrible and I met creepy guys trying to hit on me and take advantage of my weak state of mind

When I got out things didn't get much better. I stayed with my gramdma and aunt who, well, were just as abusive. Not so much to me, but to each other. Oh well

My mental state sucked even with therapy. And even with meds, it still sucks 

Like nobody gets me anymore 

Anyways, im 22

I've been told I'm still young and shit but, hell, I've been hearing that since 13 

I wanted to die at 13 actually. It makes me wonder....why didn't I. Had I did it then, I wouldn't be this miserable lump of lard at 22. I haven future, I have no life

Unfortunately, for some of us borderlines suicide will be a choice we take. I'm not advocating suicide, but the reality is that it happens.

I sway between being wanting to live and wanting to die. I like to trick myself into believe a realm of existence exists where there is peace and happiness. Or being reborn into a happier better and healthier person with a loving family and awesome friends 

Maybe thats where I need to go 

Its obvious that this world was not meant for me at all. Not meant for someone like me. I am one of the punching bags of this universe. But I'm tired of being punched. I want out. I want to be at peace. Unfortunately that doesn't exist here

For some people, when they die, they'll have a funeral of people who will be crying and wishing they were alive. I can only imagine laughter, happiness, or even worst, people simply not caring 

I believe some of us don't have people who love us. I'm one of them.