Context:

I'm 24, and I have, I guess you could say an emotional type of disorder? (not gonna self-diagnose with some wild condition, but bear with me)

I was mentally and emotionally abused growing up, being on the receiving end of the divorce of my parents and the after effects that followed. My father would try to manipulate me and turn me against my own mother, I had to get used to having a step father, there was shouting matches, etc etc. I was exposed to everything.

When I was with my father, he'd only talk about the bad things, saying i should be with him, that he should have full custody. Any mere mention of an opposing argument I would be looked down on, having a look of "i know what's best for you". Which was ironic, considering all the times I was with him, we only did things he would want to do.

On my mother's end, she'd find someone else, and I wouldn't get along with him too well. Everything just felt out of place.

Fast forward a few years, and my father is still trying to brainwash me, all the while my mother and now step-father are having loud shouting matches (the honeymoon phase is over now guys, run away). Meanwhile I'm stuck in my bubble of a room because, let's face it, I'm an introvert at this point. 

My mood swings faster than batter in a baseball game because of my father, and my mother is trying to bring me back to how I was before hand. This goes back and forth until I somehow come to my senses at 16 and corrected my father at a vital moment that left him looking at me with an expression of betrayal. He disappeared without a trace after (the old going out for milk trick, never gets old) and now I'm left here to pick up my own pieces.

Soon after, I'm diagnosed with a medical condition, and watching my grandfather pass away in front of me, which became as a sort of catalyst of me realizing that something is really wrong with me.

Fast forward to today:

I'm soon to be married to my fiancee, to whom I've dated for 4 years (now engaged for 1 year and some change) and she has suffered more of the physical end of abuse before me. 

For her end, to keep this short, she was sexually abused for 4 years and has PTSD from the aftermath. And for her to have so much progress, and recover to a massive degree from such a tragic event, I envy that.

I've been to therapists, tried other methods, talking to my fiancee, but I feel like i can't get better from this, and I feel like my recovery has remained stagnant from when I was 16.

I'm afraid of confrontation, loud people cause me to clam up, I have a hard difficulty expressing and articulating my emotions, I'd rather just drop any topic that involves me and just move on, and the worst part; I can't let go of what my father did to me, which leads to a temper issue every now and then.

This concerns me the most because, as a soon to be married man, I don't want this to be a thing that will be detrimental to my relationship with her. Currently my progress has been baby steps, while hers has taken huge strides. I'm ultimately proud of her so much, but I feel like i can't keep up, like I'm not as strong as the front I put for everyone.

I'm tired, and I don't know what to do. I keep running in circles, and as much as my mind wants to move forward, my heart just doesn't want to budge at all. 