Before anyone reading this thinks I'm fucked up and it's my fault I kept getting kicked out bc of my bpd I'd like you to know that's not the case. 

I moved to my aunts to get away from my parents when I was 15, I had finally told people about the abuse, (except only about my dad bc my aunt is on my mums sister) and the first time she kicked me out was because I read Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone to her 5yo when she left him with me to go somewhere. 

According to her at the time, "it's an adult book". I told her it was written for children, especially the first 3 and she googled it. Google said 7+. She believed this to be a win and then started threatening me, hitting me and told me to get out of her house bc "I was trying to fuck up her 5yo". All the while her 5yo was crying and scared bc he loved me and didn't understand what was happening. I mean he really loved me, what she did fucked him up way worse than anything I ever could've read to him. 

Just before she kicked me out she had given me the spare room when her live-in nanny moved out. (She's not posh, it was her neice, my cousin.) Before that I was sleeping on the sofa for I think 9+ months. She then rented out the room so when I moved back the second time I still was sleeping on the sofa. 

When I was with her that time, I was 15, and she took any chance she got to remind me I wasn't her child and she didn't HAVE to let me stay. 

This sounds insane I know, my friend told me one day she wouldn't believe half the crazy shit I came out with if she hadn't witnessed one incident. My bf said the same, he witnessed two incidents and that's the only reason he believes me. 

One of the incidents my bf witnessed was me getting kicked out of my aunts house the second time. She was trying to strangle me while I was on call with him, I thought I had hung up when she started screaming, obvi not. I went to the bathroom after and absolutely broke down I didn't know where to go, who to call or what to do and then I heard something and realise he had been on call the whole time. Embarrassing. I had threatened to call the police on her after she tried to strangled me and promised I would get her son taken from her. Not my best moment. She then proceeded to tell me no one would believe me and she only did that bc I kicked her. I kicked her to stop her from killing me, (idk why I bothered tbh) I wouldn't have been able to kick her had she not been on top of me. 

This fight was over rent I was supposed to be giving her. I was making 200 a week and she was taking 130, I thought I had given it to her that week. I had not. She took it out of my savings for a deposit and I was not happy, I told her that she was stealing from me; I really believed I had given it to her. She then got my purse and went through it and I realised I had not given it to her, I had hidden it in a card slot so I wouldn't get it confused with my money (70€) and forgotten about it. 

Btw that was 130 to stay on a couch. I didn't have a key and had to be home by 7 bc her son went to bed at that time. On top of that I wasn't allowed to make noise at all after a night shift bc I'd wake her up. Making noise included going to the bathroom. I also wasn't allowed to leave the house unless she was there and awake and I asked her permission. I was 18. Paying 130 "rent" a week. She was also renting out her spare room, the one that I nearly had, so it's not like she needed the money. 

She told me she was making my life hell on purpose so I would want to leave a couple weeks before the incident. I've never forgiven her for that. I understand how much she did for me but it's still hard to be grateful sometimes. 

I would say that incident was my fault, although how it escalated - the name calling, punching and strangling - was not my fault. 

At my parents when I moved back the first time (just after I had been kicked out of the childminders old room) I no longer had a room of my own there and was sharing a bed for a couple months, finally got my own bed, still sharing the room with 2 siblings and then my parents kick me out. I was about 16 I think. 

Second time I moved back with my parents I moved my stuff into my older brothers room after a couple months there. He had moved out. I started to display my stuff and make it feel like home and was starting to really like it when my mum kicked me out bc she "needed" a room for my younger brother, who despite having his own bedroom now still sleeps in with my mother so the room I was in is empty. She let me sort it and tidy it and then took it away from me. 

All of this feels like a psychotic dance where I'm given exactly what I want just to have it ripped from me. At some point I'm sure someone's going to tell me that my entire life has been a cosmic joke to entertain the Angels. 

I recently got a wardrobe for the first time  since I was 15 and I cannot explain how happy that made me. It's in my bfs house but me moving in with him caused a lot of strain on the relationship, and now I feel this too will be pulled from my clutch before I'm ready. 

Moving in with my bf was a really bad decision for me, I felt trapped because I knew if did decide to leave him I would have nowhere to go and so even though I wanted to be with him I had all this negative energy with him which completely broke down our relationship. 

He said to me recently that he couldn't tell anymore whether I actually loved him or was only with him for a place to stay. And that was so horrible to hear and kindof what I was afraid of. So safe to say I'm not out of any bad living situations now even though I can own things and display them and have a wardrobe. (My aunt made me keep my small amount of possessions hidden, usually in her room which I couldn't get to most of the time due to her weird work schedule and her locking her room when she went out.) 

I finally got a decent paying job and should be moving out soon, but my bf won't come with, (i can't blame him.) I'm really scared to live on my own, I've never done it before. Still I'm excited at having a place I can finally belong and no one can kick me out or make me feel unwelcome/unsafe. 

As for my parents, God they're confusing, my friends at the time only knew about my dad and probably belived my mum was some kind of saint. If my dad did something nice for me, which he did a lot and still does, my friends would be like "well then obviously he isn't abusive so" and would question my honesty. It got to a point I would only talk about him when he was abusive. 

I'd like to believe that mindset was because we were young but I feel many grown ups would have a hard time grasping the complex relationship I have with my parents due to them being amazing, supportive parents half the time and abusive sickos the other half. 

It feels weird to drag my parents when they're being good to me but all of the bad shit that's happened with them makes me feel like I can't ever love them. How could I possibly love them the way I'm supposed to after all that shit? And forgiving them? Not on my list of priorities rn. I don’t even know how to forgive them for being inconsistent and confusing me my whole childhood. 

My mum had me genuinely convinced that every child got beaten at home and I thought I was the crazy one for not acting normal when they did even though they were hit ect.. I honestly thought some of my friends were just really well behaved bc they told me they weren't being hit. 

She then convinced me I made it up. I dk how she did that but she did and when I started questioning it she started blaming me. It's my fault that they hit me and threatened me and insulted me. I was the one starting all the fights. I also believed that. At one point she told me I was the one starting every fight in the house. I couldn't have been more than 10 and I believed it. 

My parents and my aunt have some mental issues, none of what happened was my fault entirely and most really wasn't my fault at all. I'm self aware. They say people qith bpd aren't, I know when things are my fault but none of that shit really was. 

This is so fucking long and I barely brushed the surface, I have so much more to say, I doubt anyone is interested but I find posting my rants almost therapeutic so you're very welcome. (THERE'S A MF FLAIR FOR THAT?!)

I'd put a tdlr but how does one summarise this? This IS the summery, the highlights.