I don't know why. For some reason, it feels like abandonment. 

My dad recently set a boundary with me - and that was that I was not allowed to call him on the phone when I am freaking out and cry. He goes up to the camps up north from Wednesday to Wednesday and so he's not around, I guess? My dad is not really emotionally supportive - he says that my emotions aren't reality, that they're overreactions and manipulative. He believed that me crying on the phone because I'm just so hopeless and don't know what to do is me trying to emotionally manipulate him.

I know that's stigma, but I was less upset about the stigma and more upset by the fact that I'm not allowed to cry while we're on the phone together anymore. Intellectually, I know that it's because me crying distresses him. Emotionally, it feels like he was saying that he didn't want to be there for me.

Maybe it is manipulative, but I feel like if he doesn't hear that I'm hurting, then my hurt won't exist. I'm incapable of being miserable by myself. In the past when people ignored me while I was hurting I cut just to make physical proof that my emotions are real, because when they're in my head, they aren't?

I know that in order for us to have good, healthy relationships with the people around us, these people need to set boundaries. But it's distressing and it feels awful and just... ugh.

I could literally burst out crying right now just thinking about it. Typing this up has left a boulder in my chest.