I'm 23 years old and was diagnosed with BPD at 18, after spending my teen years getting constant misdiagnoses's and being put on every drug available (Seroquel was the worst). I went through it all, extreme substance abuse, self harm, walking through the streets punching myself and screaming at myself, multiple times in psych wards. Eventually it got to the point where I had to move out of the city and move back to my hometown where I currently still live.  


In my home town NOTHING happens, nothing good, nothing bad, I was also put on a Disability Support Pension, since living out here my BPD has seemed to gone into remission, its been about a year and a half now, but its been replaced by nothingness, I'm no longer flying off the handle at nothing and screaming/self harming/destroying relationships, but I'm also not really doing anything, as I said, nothing good nor bad happens out here.  


 I guess I'm not sure if I'm actually in remission or if there are just no triggers at all out here, I'm moving back to the city in the next few months as I have allot of ambition and love being around people (it can become quite narcissistic though where I just love being around people for the attention).   


 I think the strangest part of this remission is that I almost miss it, I created some of my best art whilst I was at my worst, I have memories, although allot are bad memories, sometimes I think bad memories are worse than no memories, at least it was something, another part of it is that my whole personality was tied up in the person who flew off the handle, made very impulsive decisions (like getting my face tattoo'd) and now I feel as though I am nothing. My impulsive rash behaviour has been replaced by a nihilistic depression, where I want to die but only in the sense of hamlets ''To Be or Not to Be'', almost so nihilistic I don't even see the point in suicide or cutting or loosing my shit anymore.   


I don't even know how to say what I'm trying to say properly and I'm sorry if it comes across as selfish (for lack of a better word) to the people in the midst of a crisis, but its something I have been feeling for a while and don't know where to talk about it, I'm not even sure what this post is, is it venting or is it victories?.