I have been struggling with BPD for a while (22, female) and my girlfriend has severe depression and anxiety as well as bipolar. My therapist has been on emergency leave for a month and a half and I’ve been spiraling without her. With that, I’ve been taking it out on my girlfriend (20). I get mad over something so stupid and say the worst things ever - that’s verbal abuse. I’m verbally abusing her and i’m inconsiderate of her feelings during these intense moments. I love her so much I want to marry her. We have so many trips and future plans together and our relationship was so great for so long. I am starting a DBT skills group, have a social worker, and speak regularly to psychiatrists. She is struggling and I want to be there for her without causing stress or her being scared to communicate. I need to be better, in the meantime what could I do to manage myself and my reactions better? I try to detach myself and relax from an intense moment but it’s so hard sometimes. I love her and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. I thought she was going to hurt herself and I called the police on her out of panic. I know I fucked up. I don’t know if she will ever forgive me, I was so panicked my mind went straight to that response. I never want that to happen again and Im trying so hard but I’m afraid I won’t change. 
I want her in my life so bad but I don’t want to hurt her anymore. We live together so I don’t know the logistics of a break up but I desperately want us to have our own separate spaces for ourselves to calm down when things get hard. 
I just want to treat her better but I feel like I messed up - she won’t speak to me and has stopped sharing her location with me. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.