My BPD has been fairly stable with treatment, but I'm still hitting a wall when it comes to stress. My biggest self destructive tendency is overspending to make myself feel better / to feel temporary relief and motivation not to kill myself when things go wrong.

Today has been rough and I'm thinking and feeling a lot of ugly things, but none of my usual techniques for curbing them are working. I had an extremely important appointment, and my ride knew two months in advance. I reminded her in the weeks coming up, and then last night she chose to push herself and stay out partying. I could have more easily rescheduled the appointment for next week had she come to me ahead of time, but I'm now eating a penalty, stressed the fuck out, and have surgery the week before the next available date. I'll be in pain, unable to talk, and even more stressed, but hey! Who cares, right? My ride got to party. :) How great for her!

I have to budget for my medications post op, for anything I need, but I've already eaten through 1/3 of my budget to cope with the stress. I had a lot of things to do today and now I'm just shutting down. I know I'm being unreasonable, I know I'm being cruel and immature by ignoring my ride, but I'm having a really hard time thinking like a normal person and not lashing out, so I'm trying to distract, shut down, give up. 