At this point I don't know. Am I depressed mostly? Anxiety has stopped me from even wanting to do anything other then listen to music mostly,which has always been my love. 20 years of age had a awful job where I honestly felt targeted due to me being so different. But the beginning of the year got my first job at 19 in hopes of leaving TN and seeing the world. Being around people I didn't care for being around that for so long ultimately made me feel nothing matters. The one who took me back and forth to my job was my grandfather who died,he died around 2 months ago. I even teared up at my newer job I got just before he got really sick. Shortly after I left it and this is me months later. He was basically sick before even taking me to my first job but never said a word about it to help me in my life. He told me at one point "that's what I will do I am  gonna help you that's my last thing". Something around those lines. I obviously got that message way afterwards though. He never went to the hospital to get treated it took a car crash for him to actually get some kind of help. He wasn't really harmed much but got pain in his left shoulder. Won't go in to details other then that. This happened just around when I got the call for a better job. He was one of my inspirations to keep going. I just feel more advanced then my peers due to my spiritual aspects of myself and have no clue what's next. I am clearly capable of thinking thoroughly but don't feel I am here in a sense. Even thinking about the future it all feels unlikely I'll mentally enjoy and have something left of anything due to anxiety and always on automatic. I feel drained as if I had a rag filled with water at the start of the year and its been squeezed dry. Cried numerous times due to the feeling of having no one to help with my mental and my physical being. I do not know why I am even typing this out but I have love for everything living. I love this earth and all the good and bad which both keeps balance. I hope all keep striving from the bottom of my heart. You may see this posted somewhere else also simply so I can see the replies. I most likely will stay laying low until I get the energy to try some sort of medicine. Even if you just read this I thank you.