When I have a good day. This is when It's good from the morning on...something will trigger me to think about how I have no friends (not one, not a bit), I have nowhere to be nothing to do nowhere to make friends. Every time I've tried to interact with people the anxiety gets so overpowering that I become numb to myself and my life and I just do not know what's happening ever. So im inside again and i feel like thats fine. Theres nowhere for me to be, i have nothing, no one. Who would ever want to be a part of someone whos got no friends, is littered with mental illness, doesnt have anything they care about and has nowhere to be. Don't get me started on romance. 

This thought of friends because of who I an and what my situation has come to always immediately sends into suicidal thoughts. 

Today I felt pretty and sexy and hopeful. A day before i had no idea what i looked like and wanted to pull my face off. Today was good and being social media knowing that theres people i care about that dont ever think about me or must think theres something seriously wrong. And they don't want anything to do with me. Even if i tried and i have i wouldn't have a place in their life. I dont see why i should go on. (I havent only because of my mom) And im always reminded that theres no way i'll make it to 30. 

What i hate is that sometimes things are good and I never know what to do with that. And i now never trust my emotions and it always feels like im building an entire palace on a good day and than it just falls down destroyed. I much rather like the bad days where i get hopeful in the evening.

I want to note my thoughts but it alwys goes to the extreme that i cant argue with.