So I have been bullied for years in the past. Over the last year or so of my life, I am finally starting to let these feelings in, trying to deal with them.

It has left me with great social anxiety. I always feel watched, I feel constantly on edge to be whatever people "expect" me to be. Why? That feeling of being in a classroom and having everyone look down on you. Have everyone belittle you, threaten you. Going outside in my town and constantly being scared of the "cool" kids wanting to shame me or beat me up. It has taught me a pattern of behaviour where I am constantly looking around me to see what the "crowd" expects and then act on it, to be high on the social pecking order.

It has taught me to look at "being a man" the way popular culture defined it when I was young, the way my environment did. Being a tough guy who punched other dudes in the face and pleasures many women sexually. Basically that is it, very narrow minded. I am learning slowly to view myself in a different light. Being a man means I face my fears and do things regardless. It means I better myself as a human being. I means I care for others and take care of myself. It means I make the right choices, even though they are hard. It means I love myself for who I am, and enable others to do the same. It means I don't put others down for their imperfections, and also not putting myself down for mine. It means I love myself regardless of others judging me.

The past still haunts me, but I hope letting the feelings in will slowly dissipate them and give me a chance to live without fear of others' judgement. I hope one day my anxiety about being 'low' on the social order will reach manageble proportions.

Just needed to get this off my chest. If anyone relates or has tips, I would love to hear them.