
I have deep depression and anxiety for over four years now. I am 21.
I have no friends, but that's because I chose not to... 
My dog is the only thing that keeps me alive, and I mean it. I'll do everything for him; I'll die for him. I can't leave him alone; no one will take care of him, and I won't let anything happen to him, not when I'm alive.

A few years ago, I've tried some anti depression pills, different doses, and different kinds. I just couldn't continue taking them; it made me feel like a robot without feelings.

Lately, I have been drinking a lot. There has been that one time when I took some pills with it... And it was ugly. 

No job, getting money from "national social security" monthly.  Some (mainly my family) think that I don't want to work; I don't know if they think I'm lazy or prefer to keep getting money every month forever. My folks know about my depression since high school, they've been very supportive, especially my dad. He's always been there for me, and I can't express how much I love them. I'm pretty sure they are not aware of how bad my situation is. I don't like to talk a lot lol, especially about this. 

I have two options -

Option one: Kill myself and leave my dog alone.
Option two: Get my shit together and find a job, build a life. 

I REALLY REALLY want to choose option two, though I can't bring myself to do it. I want stability in life to stay here for my dog, though I don't know what to do. Every time I try to get into a job, I get the interview, but I just can't go there, my mind and body just freeze. I am not a lazy man; staying at home every day and getting that monthly payment is not what I want to do for the rest of my life.