
So in a nut shell I think I suffer from those.
Whenever my parents spend money on me or pay for my tuition I feel guilty and unworthy. 
I hate my self. I am indecisive. I always think that I don’t deserve it or that I can find something better. I have also become quite lazy, I cannot seem to get anything done and sleep a lot. My perfectionism leads me to not doing the task at all. I hate myself so much. I feel like such a useless person who is a burden on everyone.
I would never kill myself but God do I think about it everyday. I also just get these mental (almost anime type imagery) images/scenarios of me just smashing my head against the wall and it bursting open - this happens when I am hating on myself. 
I just I don’t want to be this way. I want to be productive. I want to be useful, and get stuff done. I want to be happy but I just don’t know how. I feel like everything I touch turns to shit. That I cannot make a good decision to save my life. 
Please let me know how to go about this. It’s been years and I just can’t live this way anymore