I stopped following this thread a while because I thought I was doing quite well. But I think i relapsed again yesterday.

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I started seeing a psychologist a few weeks ago, it's still not therapy though rather some sort of counceling to check if I'm mentally ill in the first place.

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The last few weeks I've been quite busy, I had the chance to do what i love and I was surprisingly for the first time that good at it. Got a lot of applause and complements for it even. 

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But afterwards a friend of mine, whom I like, was hanging around more with another friend than me. I, not getting her attention as much as I wished, was already stressed the whole night and that stressed me even more. She knows all about my problems and I already told her I'm fine with her hanging with him. But I just still couldn't handle it. And that got me even more stressed. I felt emotionally empty and that just turned into self-worthlessness, loneliness and (of course) shame, because everyone else could see that something's wrong. I was still needed on site so I couldn't just go. I went home later wishing I've had never been born. Now I'm lying on my bed, I haven't ate anything more that 4 pieces of toast bread and have been smoking and thinking about last night the whole fucking time. I talked to a very old friend and it didn't seem to bring much afterwards. I don't know what am I expecting with writing this. I just wish I were different.