My entire life is a shit-show, and that's not an exaggeration, sadly. I'm just recovering from the flu, and possibly pneumonia (and thank stars the internet spells things for me), and I can't help but wish I just suffocated in my sleep. Mom abandoned me when I was little (I still remember it clearly though), I never felt loved by my step mom, always got spanked growing up for things I didn't do by dad, go diagnosed autism as adult after graduation because to my parents I just wasn't trying 'hard enough' in school. Got bullied for bein weird and quiet. Almost got arrested because someone lied on me to cops and said I had a 'kill list' at middle school, just cause they thought it was a funny thing to do to me and I didn't even know them. Covered in ugly keloid scars, big, huge, red or purple scars that will never fade or go away because those were not small. Got tazed by cops during dissociative episode and taken to psych ward in hospital. Paranoid everyone is lying and thats why I don't have any friends because they might talk about me behind my back.

My grandma 'saved' me when I graduated by letting me come live with her away from my step mom, got me diagnosed, got me psychiatrist, but it's been like 7 years and she's not satisfied with my progress, and I guess I understand. I'm basically worthless. 

I've been in the hospital twice for attempts and now I'm worried I might end up there again, and then I'll probably be kicked out and be homeless and freeze to death, but I guess freezing doesn't sound too bad. My nana always says I don't respect her and I don't love her because I 'refuse to get better' and I 'won't grow up'. It's been 7 years of different meds and my life long depression isn't getting better, and she says I 'like being depressed' but I don't. I don't know how to get better. She says I'm a slob and a bum because sometimes I leave tissue on my nightstand when I have to wipe my nose. She gets so so angry when I tell her I'm still depressed and when I tell her I want to die. I feel like she is going to kick me out soon. She wants me to be independent but I have autism and a learning disability and I can't really take care of myself but she says I have to and she's going to find me an apartment and put me there. I guess I'll just starve there though since I can't drive without panic attacks, and I can't count or do numbers so bills won't be paid. Oh well, I'll be homeless one day anyway.

Shed was very mad when I missed work last week because I had the flu and she yelled at me. I tried to run away a few days ago but she caught me and got very very mad, and my grandpa slammed me against the wall and screamed in my face to stop being stupid and I just cried and wanted to die. She gets mad when I flap my hands and says to grow up even though that makes me feel better. She gets mad when I get sick and doesn't believe me. When I had the flu, I had muscle weakness in my legs, and I couldn't walk, and she walked like she was drunk to mock me, and it really hurt my feelings and made me feel hated,

I get why they're upset and don't like me though. I'm worthless. Almost 25 and I work a 10 dollar hour job and don't live alone. I'll never be successful like them. I'm stupid. And when they find out I relapsed on self harm they're going to be so so so mad and angry and they're going to scream in my face again and say I don't love them again even though I do, and I hate myself too.

I wish I had never been born.