I am 52 years old. My childhood was hellish. There was constant chaos, anger, and instability. I never felt safe. I was told that I was good for nothing, and the next day she would take me shopping. I was screamed at about how ashamed I must be of our family since I never brought friends home (hello, irony) and then she would act as though nothing hurtful or volatile ever happened and be very charming when around one of my friends. My parents stayed married, but my father did not deal well with her behavior, which created even more drama. He's dead. Finally now, at 86 years old, my mother has been diagnosed with BPD. She is not open to treatment.  

She lives near me (and lived with me for almost five years until she melted down and said I stole her phone charger...for her senior "Jitterbug," and was plotting to kick her out) and my sister (whom she also lived with until she accused her of plotting to send her to the "nuthouse" and take control of her money), in a senior apartment. There are two other siblings that have very little to do with her other than obligatory greeting cards and minimal phone calls. I don't blame them. I kind of envy them.

My sister and I have tried our whole lives to make her happy, and are now understanding why it's impossible. It's so sad. I am almost to the point of abandoning her (go ahead and hate, if you must) just to stay sane.

She is paranoid, suspicious, threatens self-harm (and has for over 60 years), has irrational rages......and then she's a sweet, funny old woman who is lucid, loving, and happy. When she's "herself" she agrees to assessment and treatment, cracks great jokes, is generous to a fault (which we sometimes have to curb)...and then she loses it. She screams, cries, makes atrocious accusations (elder abuse, financial fraud). I find myself alternately hurt, very angry, and, for want of a better word, "finished."

I've downloaded some self-help books about this and am slowly reading them. They are enlightening so far, yet I have a life to live. I cannot abide accusations and hatred for no reason. I've tried so hard to take care of her, but she's alienating one of the only people who is willing to help her.

I'm not trying to insult people with BPD....not at all. Those of you who are in treatment are inspiring. If my mother would just agree to medication and counseling without massive suspicion, I'd be hopeful.

I'm just trying to gain insight into how I can help someone who doesn't want to be helped, or hear from others who are adult children of BPD parents. When is enough enough?

