hi, using this platform since i can't find anything to reach out.
• i am in a third world country
• i can't spare a cash for a psychiatrist
• i can't open-up to my few "friends"

as an asian guy and an eldest one with my 4 siblings, i am mad on my parents for giving me this responsibility to be their secondary source of finance to support our whole family's needs. that i am their extended lifeline. it gives me some guilt, stopping me to find myself further in this life. like i am forced to work continuously support them until all of my siblings finished college. i feel trapped. i feel like i'm a donkey continuously walking forward never reaching the carrot bait.

i am more mad to myself than i am to my parents, because i feel like i am a failure. that i failed them. since i never excelled on the jobs that i've been into–most of the time i am just that-average-dude. resulting to low salary development.

been continuously falling into this abyss for about 5 years already–since i graduated.

i am also sexually frustrated. unloved. 25 year old virgin. because of:
• lacking of self-confidence
• past experiences–always been rejected everytime i confess
• i am just average looking 
• scared to accidentally have a child and be trapped in it
• poverty

with that, i am alone and lonely most of the time. alone with my thoughts, with all of this sadness. though i tend to read lots of books (novels), watch movies/series, and exercise a lot to lessen the negativity. but in the end of the day my mind says i'm still trapped–can't escape. trapped on my overthinking. trapped with all of my hatred towards life–on how it is so unfair.

as an eldest son we have this stigma here in asia that i shouldn't be soft, that i should be strong and tough. i think i am doing my best on it and succeeding to look like that in front of my family and relatives. but emotionally i am full of scar, and my appetite to continue in life is too low.

i am thinking that ending my life would finish all of these problems of mine. that it's about time already end it and simply jump. but i have this guilty feeling inside of me saying that my family would just suffer more once i do it. i am trapped in this loop.