Hi, this is my first Reddit post — I have bipolar II, BPD traits (which Im currently in treatment for), major depression, anxiety and ADHD comorbidity. (Yes my life is a loop of waking, sleeping, inconsistent eating, feeling lonely, executive dysfunction, failure, repeat) Lately it has become increasingly difficult to communicate with the people around me especially in terms of my needs or vulnerabilities. 

Tomorrow  I am potentially going to see a friend one-on-one (if she does not cancel) that I haven’t seen in this manner in over a year. I don’t know if it’s because her guards are up in general or that she has a problem with me, however I recall receiving a text from her maybe last March requesting not to talk about or dwell on depressing or down things. 

I have felt increasingly self conscious in my social interactions lately — as though I don’t know what to say or how to be present because my personal life is so empty. I am tempted to not see her at all for fear I won’t be able to fulfill her request of being upbeat (I’ve also been off my meds due to an insurance issue and need to admit this to my psychiatrist). 

Maybe this is more a vent than anything else. But I am curious how folks get along socialising and not feeling so insecure, inept, depressing etc. This may not be as relatable as I realise my hypomania is quite mild and I don’t tend to experience the positive aspects that give many people levity from depression. But can anyone relate ? 

P.s. been going down this road for 7+ years and I’m only feeling more* disconnected.