Hi-

I've been searching for some sort of support group for a while now to ask this question. I have been in a relationship off and on for almost 5 years now, the "off" stages are me deciding to go wild where I do so much drugs I black out for days at a time or drink until I vomit blood and have sex with random people, and "on" are crawling back and asking for remorse and he always takes me back. I can feel the "off" stage looming again and I want to fight it this time. No one will ever love me or deal with me like my boyfriend has and does, and I will lose him if I don't actively DO something about it this time. I feel like this is my last chance to figure something out, because I can tell he's thinking the same thing.

My question is, how do I address this with my therapist? This will be my 5th psychologist I've attempted in about 8 years, but the longest I've gone to one has been 6 sessions. I liked him, but I cried in the 5th session about a "shallow" issue (if that makes sense) and was 20 minutes late to the 6th, and I could tell he was judging me for it. So I never went back. What do you do to make yourself keep going? 

Also, I can't ever seem to explain what exactly I think or how I feel. It's like I can articulate these problems in my head, but when I see the doctor, I clam up or discuss unimportant or irrelevant issues to avoid the real problems. I always find myself gearing up and pumping myself up before a session, only to deflate and joke or fake cry about bullshit problems throughout the session, and then never go back.  

I REALLY want to be better, right now. And I hope this feeling will last until tomorrow when I call to set up my appointment. But I just know that once I get there, it'll be the same fucking cycle again, and when I don't go back, I'll know that there is no hope. Help or suggestions? 