Hi
I’m a 20 female who is diagnosed with bpd,adhd and in the process of being diagnosed with ocd.
Lately my intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, mood swings and self loathing, has been getting out of control. I’m writing here in the hopes that someone could offer advice, as I really don’t know what to do myself.

First a short rundown of my situation:

Last year in November/December I spent 6 weeks in the psych ward. I had been receiving dialectical behavior therapy for about 8 months before that, but had to stop in the middle of it due to being admitted to the ward. I reacted really well to my therapy and the plan was to continue the therapy directly after getting out of the ward.

Things however, didn’t exactly go to plan… due to Covid, The system failing to make sure I was connected to a mental health professional for several weeks after I was discharged, and a doctor failing to do their duty and literally refusing to let me back in to the bpd team(a complaint has been launched and there are talks of a lawsuit), I haven’t been able to start therapy yet. 

Due to all of this, I have slowly become more unstable over the past few weeks.

My self-loathing and self hatred has become extreme to the point where it is physically uncomfortable, and I’m constantly restless and sad throughout the day.

I think all of these feelings stem from the belief that everyone arounds me hates me and that I am annoying and a terrible person. These beliefs come from a list of very traumatizing experiences that I have yet to tackle, but I feel like I can only do that in therapy.

My feelings have become overwhelming to the point where it feels both mentally and physically unbearable to be in my own body and it makes me want to call it quits on this life thing.

I’ve tried to use all of the stuff I learned in therapy, as well as talked to my nurse, my psychiatrist, my parents and my friends, yet nothings helping. (I have informed them about my suicidal thoughts, so they are aware and can help look out for me)

I’ve tried to go through my binder from therapy to figure out precisely which techniques would help me but I can’t seem to find anything that tackles the extreme amount of self loathing I’m feeling.

I’ve tried to reach out to some of the people that I feel hate me (some of them I’m quite close to), and they have reassured me that they don’t hate me and that they care for me. Usually this type of clarification would help my feelings of self-hatred and self loading but this time it’s not helping.

I’m desperate for any advice or help that anyone can give me on how to:

1. Lessen my self hatred and intrusive thoughts about myself 

2. How I can hang on until I get back into therapy (hopefully within 2-3 weeks)

thank you for taking the time to read this.

(P.s. I hope I followed the guidelines. I’m quite new to posting on Reddit, and I don’t really know how it works yet)