i have no one to talk to anymore. everyone is so tired of listening to my issues and honestly i’m tired of listening to my own brain. i’ve been looking up different suicide methods and i’m not scared anymore. i want to leave. my whole life has been a living hell from the moment i came out of my mother. she was on drugs. my father sells drugs. i took care of my brother and sister because they were never there. and then we finally got put in foster care. my siblings are still there but i aged out. everything i’ve been through i can’t even type it all out. having guns held to my head, men beating on me, men beating on my mother, locking me and my siblings in our rooms so we can’t leave or eat or do anything, men touching me, raping me, my mom leaving us, my mom didn’t make it to my high school graduation, neither did my dad he just didn’t want to go. all the different foster homes. all the childrens shelters. juvie. i have seen it all and done it all. and now that i’m in college i fall in love get pregnant, and he tells me that he’ll leave me if i keep the baby. so eventually i go through with the abortion so i can keep him in my life because that is how much i love him. but he leaves me when i’m in the recovery process of it all. if i knew he was still going to leave i would’ve kept the baby and then i would’ve had someone to live for. but now it’s just me, myself, and i. and it’s not helping that i now do not have a single dime to my name after paying for half of the abortion even though he said he would pay for all of it. so now i’m bleeding our baby out, no pads no food i have nothing. stuck in a college dorm. nothing can save me now. i’m trying to think about how the people who “care” about me would feel but i am numb. i don’t feel anything. nothing can make me feel better. i just wasn’t meant to live this long. i don’t know what to do anymore. i want to die in a painless way but that is almost impossible. i cut myself this morning and i didn’t feel a single thing so i was thinking maybe i won’t even feel it because i’m so numb. but i don’t know maybe i’ll try something maybe i won’t.