every single time i think i'm progressing with my bpd, i let people in and then it destroys me again. i start splitting, my mood swings become awful and i become hyperaware of the way people act toward me and convince myself that everyone hates me. i'm starting to feel like the only way to be even remotely stable is by isolating myself from literally everyone and being lonely all my life. i get so quickly attached to routine with people that whenever they act even slightly different toward me i assume that they hate me and i did something wrong. 

i'm doing my best to be better but even keeping a job is so hard for me to do because i just assume all my coworkers hate me and think i'm a piece of shit for how up and down my moods are. starting a job is nice and i do pretty well for the first few months, but then my performance slowly dwindles and i feel myself being passive aggressive or giving coworkers the silent treatment in situations where i don't get exactly what i want. i for some reason have this thing where it's really difficult for me to greet people when i come into work so i kind of just am silent toward everyone who doesn't say hello to me which is a super toxic thing in itself?? and i just can't understand why i feel this constant turmoil whenever it comes to forming healthy and everyday relationships with people. i'm literally doing the best i can every moment of everyday to not split on everyone and let my life derail but it's becoming so hard for me to do so. i feel like i'm pretty much a bitch for no reason at all and i don't want to be that way because i genuinely don't think anyone deserves that kind of treatment but it's like i for some reason cannot help but be a piece of shit human being :( i think i'll be rotten forever.