Advice, perspective, etc is welcome!


Okay so lately I've been having a problem with my psychiatrist not believing me about taking my meds. Last appointment she said she "knows for a fact" that I'm not taking my meds because I still have bad sad thoughts (I'm safe and have healthy ways to cope). The appointment before that she said she knows I'm not taking them because I don't know the dose. I reminded her literally all of the medical conditions I have, physical and mental, cause memory problems and told her that I have a 4 week/28 day pill organizer so it's not like I'm looking at the bottle everyday.

It's getting so fucking frustrating and I end up with a mix of rage and sadness to the point I have to sit in my car and cry to Without Out Me to remind myself I'm a badass after appointments. I only see her every 3 months and I dred the next appointment the entire time between. 

Aside from that, she's also just really invalidating, and she seems so out of touch with the reality of poor people. Like she asked why I can't just move.... Like ma'am have you seen the rental prices? It's like 700$ for a borderline shoebox of a room with 5+ roommates and I use a wheelchair. There's no such thing as "just" moving for me, I have to factor in money and my wheelchair. She's also really interrogative? Like her tone of voice is lowkey agro and she's really adament of getting answers to questions that aren't important. 

For example I mentioned that I'm going to try going camping this fall for the first time since my legs became mostly ornaments and she was so set on finding out how I'm going to anything like pitch a tent. Like I can still walk and stand for a short distance/time?? And then she wanted to know how I was going to get to the middle of the woods and was even more agressive about getting a satisfactory answer. Like lady I'm going to load my shit it my truck and drive. I just feel like she thinks I'm totally incapable of anything including making decisions like my decision to pursue getting my tubes tied which is something I've thought about since I was lime 10 and asked my mom why she can't have kids anymore lol and I'm 21 now. Another decision she questioned heavily was getting a surgery, which is none of her business at all, 2 doctors helped me make that decision *which is their job*, plus my aunt who's had a similar surgery, plus the benefits greatly out weight the extremely rare risks. And I can't even avoid some of these because they're in my shared digital file, so she sees them and interrogated me for half an hour when she sees me next. 

I've decided that I'm going to ask my family doctor if he can take over my psych meds and have my psychiatrist close my file with her. I've been on the same meds at the same dose for over a year and at this point it's the only reason I go to my psychiatrist, to get refills. Also my family doctor has tried to avocate for me with the psychiatrist and that he thinks my mood stabilizer just might need an increase. I talked to my non-bpd mom to make sure it was actually a good idea and she agreed.

I feel better now lol, thanks to anyone who actually read this novel of a rant. I hope you have a great day!