I just broke up with someone and I'm in a period of self-reflection. I'm in my early 30s and I can't deny certain patterns have been disrupting my life since middle school. During the pandemic my brother, who is a psychiatrist, and I talked about mental health frankly for the first time because I was six months into a divorce. It was a conversation that mostly involved me disclosing my trauma history which he knew some of, but not all.

Almost one year later, during the turmoil of new breakup, I had a moment of clarity. I had a moment of the most intense honesty towards myself I have ever felt. The person I was breaking up with really helped me see some things about myself. I called my brother and asked him if he would diagnose me with anything if I came into his office. He took a deep breath like he knew this moment would happen, and said yes. I said I have literally walked into therapists' offices saying there's something wrong with me, I think I have a personality disorder, and I just got diagnosed with general anxiety. He said, that makes perfect sense. I'm probably smarter than the average therapist and more articulate. Everyone has their own biases, even providers. I asked what he meant by that, and he said he would diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder and that even providers have biases as to who has it and how they present. For the first time in 20 years of off-and-on therapy, I knew that someone had finally put the pieces together. I think it says a lot about the healthcare system that it had to be my brother, and he was probably committing some kind of ethical violation by having this conversation with his sister haha.

I knew two people with BPD, and they were awful. Yet, at the same time, as soon as he said borderline I got this sick feeling. I have always still thought about those two girls and their behavior I knew there was some kind of connection there I didn't want to explore. I didn't get defensive at all with my brother. In fact, a huge wave of relief came over me, followed by anger at therapists who I sought help from and my parents who are my earliest abusers.  

One particularly tough moment-- my brother said, well at least you don't have the self-harm feature and that might explain why diagnosis has been tricky. I had to tell him that that wasn't true, I did have that feature. And I could tell he got sad hearing that. 

I feel like my life can start again. For a split second I was so annoyed that this was happening so late in life. After a divorce, after losing boyfriends, after leaving my religious community, after quitting my job to "find myself." Then i really felt ashamed of what this means about me. But I woke up with so much hope for my recovery, and a new respect for myself. I know that feeling won't be permanent. 

I cannot believe how much I managed and hid on my own. I have had some pretty big consequences to emotional blow-ups, but much of the time I knew to suffer in silence. The issue is that suffering in silence doesn't make you stronger, as I was hoping for. It made me feel like I was a monster with a secret. Relationships are so hard because I've always felt like there was an expiration date, the day I would be exposed. 

I am still processing what this means, but I'm so relieved to see the prevailing wisdom is to not tell anyone except a few close friends, because that's exactly what I want to do. I really don't want to be further stigmatize. I have 3 close girlfriends, my ex-husband, and my ex-boyfriend who I broke up with who I told about the conversation with my brother when I was still in a little bit of a state of shame. All five of them rallied around me and showed up in a huge way. I cannot believe how ironic that turn of events was. I have spent so much time trying to hide my emotions that I felt so isolated and alone. The moment I said it out loud I suddenly got all the love I've been craving. My conversation with my ex didn't even cross any boundaries and nothing was left open-ended. I know this is not everyone's experience with diagnosis, and believe me, I am shocked it's mine. I feel like nothing works out that well between me and other people. It makes me feel really hopeful that I will recover from this.

Has anyone had a mostly positive experience with recovery?