First let me say that I'm a 33 year old male, married with 2 children, boy age 12, girl age 10. I am bi polar 2, with mixed episodes, severe persistant depression, and I ama life long cutter, although I fight against that every day of my life. I am also bisexual for anyone who might care. I have comorbid ADD, and PTSD from both childhood sexual and physical abuse as well as adolescent cancer from the ages of 11-14 (stage 4 t-cell lymphoma).

My current medications are, Seroquel, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Gabepentin. I also go on and off of Ambien, for extreme insomnia. 

Anyways now that you know what I am, I just wanted to say that yesterday, I had a complete breakdown. I haven't been able to leave my house in over three weeks. 

It started a few years ago when I got properly medicated for the first time ever, and by that I mean I took mood stabilizers and not just anti depressants and add meds for the first time. It turned my life around, and I was able to go from doing contract to contract work for hospitals and small businesses( I'm a computer guy) to finally getting a real semipermanent job. I started work as a system admin for a mid sized water company out in the country. When I started it was just supposed to be the servers and computers for the main office, but after the general manager found out how good I was he started expanding my duties over the next 18 months, until I was suddenly responsible for every piece of electronics between 2 office buildings, 5 water plants, a sewer plant, and a fleet of water trucks. People may not know this but there is like a major emergency (non water related) almost every week in a water company that services   5 cities and most of a county. Well the stress started to get to me so bad that I just stopped coming into work. I had my own private office in the attic where our servers were and I was on call 24 seven, so I just started staying home and only responding when someone needed me. Nobody even noticed for months. Then I got so worried about being found out that I stopped answering the phone, or going outside. It gradually escalated to a complete shutdown. Of course my boss found out and I was fired. I was getting my meds through a state clinic at the time and when my wife finally got me to go in, I was so bad that they broke their own rule about benzos and prescribed me 14 days of valium to get me to go outside and be a part of the world again. 


That all brings me to here. Ever since that firing, I got blacklisted by my ex boss in my industry. I haven't been able to get work for over a year, and now I spend my time at home , trying to keep myself as happy and stress free as possible while also raising the kids. I'm just not a stay at home dad though. I suck at making them do the things that I can't even do for myself. If I can't remember to bathe or cut my nails or brush my teeth how do I remember and force them to. I've just been lousy at it. It makes me feel so worthless. 

To make matters worse, my daughter has bi polar, and my son has social anxiety as well as add and depression. Did I mention my with suffers from major depression syndrome? 
Yah we are a rough bunch. I guess it's good for the kids to have parents who understand but it's hard on all of us. 

Well basically my medicine needs a tweek again, it always starts needing tweeks around the 2 year mark for me. I've been getting my meds from our family gp instead of a psychiatrist because after we moved, I got kicked from the state system (it's county address based here in Texas) and I couldnt wait 3 months for an entry interview. The last time I just went to the hospital and told them I was suicidal so I could do a quick 7 day intake and get quick entry into the state system. I can't do that now because I take care of our kids. Basically I just have to find a real shrink that I can afford, because my family gp cut my meds I half and refused any sleeping aids. I've been like that for almost 2 years now and Its a steady degrade of effectiveness. 

Anyways I have fallen back into the suicidal, agoraphobic, anxiety realm that I was in when I got fired from my job 2 years ago, and I just lost it yesterday. I bawled like a baby onto my wife's chest, and begged her to make it stop. Im ashamed that I'm failing my children, and that I can't provide for my family, or even take care of myself. 

My wife keeps telling me that none of that matters, and that the only thing I should care about is to stay happy and not think about the problems that hurt me. She says to play video games, watch TV, and live everyday as happy and care free as I can until we can get my medication fixed again. She says I'm strong for not letting go. All that just makes me feel worse. I hate myself for the problems my family suffers because of me. I feel worthless because I can't provide or even take care of them. I have always been suicidal, since I was a kid even, it comes and goes. Sometimes it's just fleeting thoughts like, " man I could just drive off this bridge and it would be over" all the way up to planning and the three attempts I have made in my life. But it's different lately, I feel like I did all those years ago on chemo therapy, listening to the screams of dying children in the next hospital rooms. Its not this sharp desire to end it, it's not that I can't take it anymore, it become this longing for the suffering to end. I know I wouldn't  do it, I love my kids too much, but that makes it hurt even more. I lay here crying and think, I just want the suffering to end. I have all kinds of body pain on top of that because of all the cancer treatment from my preteen-teen years, my teeth are rotting out from all the throwing up during those years, and my hair is falling out because of the long use of the meds. All of it just seems like so much. Like I said I just long for an end to suffering that I know will never come. 

Anyways I'm sorry for such a long post, but I needed to tell someone who wasn't part of my life. I don't know how I hold on but I just do, and it really sucks. I'm tired of hurting. 

Thanks for listening.