Throwaway obviously. Everything is unbearable, and it’s genuinely very humiliating to turn to Reddit for this. But I don’t have anywhere else to vent this.

I should make it clear I’m not diagnosed with depression. I don’t want to talk to my parents about it, and I really don’t care to get a diagnosis. I don’t need someone to tell me something I already know and I don’t want meds or therapy.

It’s impossible to see a point in living. I’m not suicidal because I could never go through with suicide due to my fear of death, but I’ve thought about what it would be like before. I grew up Catholic, not overly so. We don’t go to church anymore. But I can’t imagine an afterlife anymore, which was the only thing keeping me going. It started when I found out I was gay. I tried to change it, because I didn’t believe it was okay or natural. When I finally accepted myself, the homophobic people in my faith are what drove me away from it. The more I thought about it the more I started accepting I no longer believe in Christianity. I really want to be a Christian, I was so happy when I was, but I just can’t believe in it. If there’s really nothing after death, then what is the point in life? I suffer, I feel joy, I have people I love. But what does any of that matter when one day I’ll be completely gone, no way to remember it. Just nothing. And I barely enjoy life in the first place anyway. I used to love drawing, I can barely bring myself to do it anymore. I have no motivation, just focusing on school. I could live without any other activity I do. The one thing I’m truly passionate about is being a counselor. But that’s two months out of the year, and the short term happiness fades fast. I’m not even convinced my camp is going to be around much longer anyway. 

I wish I could talk to my friends or family about this, but I just can’t due to our relationships. I like being able to be a support in their life and motivate them, and I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore if they knew how I felt. I stay strong for them physically and emotionally, but on the inside I’m falling apart. I just don’t know what to do anymore. In the end I’ll watch everyone I love die, and then I’ll grow old. Mentally I don’t be all there, and physically I won’t be able to do anything I used to because of arthritis or just general weakness. And all the suffering is for nothing when I eventually pass away and I won’t be able to think or remember anything that happened. 

Thank you for reading. Don’t feel the need to respond, it’s helpful enough just putting this out there.