I got back from a confrontation with my NHS psychotherapist about an hour ago and I wanted to share it with you guys because you've all been so helpful and wonderful to me throughout all of this. 

I don't have enough time to dedicate to writing this post right now so I'll do a big long edit and a TL;DR later, but for now, this:

Me [crying]: 'I've been coming for over a year and a half and not getting any better'.

Therapist: 'See that's where I disagree. You may feel different intense emotions, but **you are still here. You have not killed yourself yet. You are still going.** And **that** is a good thing.'


EDIT:

So I've been in and out of different types of counselling and therapies for nine years and in psychoanalytic psychotherapy with a BPD specialist for a year and a half. My therapist started out saying that I would need therapy two or three times a week to 'contain' myself, and recently therapy has gone down to every three weeks. I started out thinking this guy could really help me, being a specialist n'all, but I've had little to no input from him, no tasks to do during the periods away from therapy, and when he does say stuff he comes across as patronising and angry. It had been bothering me for a long time and the last couple of weeks it got to the point where I ended up drinking and cutting *over my therapist*, which is not exactly a health patient/therapist relationship. So I decided to say something to him. Armed with advice from friends (including those also with BPD), and you lovely folk (thank you!) I went to his office today. I am not going to lie, I was shitting bricks. I have not been so scared in a long time. But I told him I didn't think his therapy was helping me any more and that I was getting worse, and that I didn't know what to do now, and I found him patronising and angry (and of course I apologised to him for saying this, cos, y'know, guilt). 

He responded in a way I had never expected. He suggested finishing therapy. 

I didn't know (and still don't know) how to cope with this. He said I am incredibly unstable and I need to figure out how to maintain stability in my own life and carry on with my relationship without sabotaging it (really? Cos it's *that* easy...) and that therapy is about me, not him, hence lack of input and so my opinions of him shouldn't come into it. He said that it's good I haven't killed myself yet (see above) and suggested either upping my appointments with him to once a week again (although he also said 'See you in two weeks' when I left) and setting a finish date, or having 'assessments' with him and moving to group. When I first began to see him, he said I would not do well in group. I agreed.
I asked him about when he had said that I needed therapy two or three times a week to 'contain' myself and he said he would probably agree with that still. WHY ONCE EVERY TWO/THREE/FOUR WEEKS, THEN?? No answer. 
He told me if I need the input that group might be better for me, especially if I can't cope/aren't any good at the 'thinking' that is required in psychotherapy. That hurt.

Basically I felt like I had been royally fucked over and I don't think I am any further along in where I am supposed to be or where I go from here. I would love to hear others' opinions and experiences of psychoanalytic psychotherapy, and also group, since apparently that's where I'm headed next. I've done counselling, CBT, psychotherapy, and psychiatric assessments/regular appointments with psychiatrists and so far nothing has really helped lots. Psychotherapy has been the best I guess but I put an awful lot of hope into it, especially taking into consideration the fact that he's a BPD specialist, and it just seems now like he's giving up and I'm too difficult/fucked up/whatever that the NHS can't handle me any more. I don't want that. I want to get better. I want to work at it. I don't know how and I'm really fucking hurt. 


TL;DR: BPD getting worse, looooooong period of psychotherapy, therapist not helping and finishing with me, possible group. Experiences please?