Trigger warning- suicide

I messed up so bad and I feel so guilty; i don’t know how to deal with the guilt other than wanting to off myself. It was my birthday recently and due to the circumstances with covid-19, I obviously didn’t want to have any sort of celebration. My friend kept on insisting her and another friend come over for my birthday. I explained to her that it’s a bad idea and I don’t want to break the social distancing rules. I feel like such an idiot for being so weak that I eventually agreed that she could come over for my birthday but only her, no one else. Where I live visitors are allowed at a maximum of one person. At the time I thought any visitors is a bad idea (still do) and yet I can’t believe I went along with it! I feel like the worst person in the world. Not only that but before the quarantine rules were put in place (it was during the time where health professionals and the government still weren’t sure what was the right thing to do) I went over her place. My grandmother, who lives alone, insisted my sister and I visited her. I told my family it was a bad idea and didn’t want to go, they told me that it would be fine because we would only see her through the screen door outside. So I finally agreed, thinking it would be okay. We got there and my grandmother opened the door and my sister began walking inside. I asked her what she was doing and she told me to come in for a bit, that it was okay because we were “social distancing.” Now I’m not saying I shouldn’t be held accountable for my actions, in the end it was I who agreed. I feel so terribly guilty. It hasn’t left my mind since. I feel so bad that I honestly feel like offing myself. I don’t feel like I deserve to live since I’m putting people’s health at risk. I see all these posts on social media hating on people who break social distancing and I feel like I deserve the hate too. I can’t believe I was persuaded so easily too, I don’t know what to do now. I can’t stop feeling terrible. 

Right now I’m extra sensitive so please don’t be too harsh on me.