(for reference I still live with my dad and stepmom, and I am a 21 year old male.)  
(also might be pretty dark in this as it deals with Suicidal thinking and Self-Harm)

I dont know how it happened but I ended up here. I am so lost. I have always felt like I dont belong anywhere and have been hiding it for as long as I can remember. It wasnt until recently that I realized that I might be depressed. I have always been stubborn and just power through any obstacle that gets in my way, I just cant break through this F\*\*\*ing wall. 

I have nothing to be depressed about. My life is good, I have a good job with great coworkers, and great friends. I am finally working on getting my drivers license! I have never been smart in any way. I just try to get to the next day and hope that it gets better, and it never does. There are fun moments but when everything is said and done I just feel more empty inside. Like someone plunged a steel can into my ribcage and ripped out my heart. 

I am introverted as f\*\*\*. I enjoy being around others but I just want to chill and do nothing. It wasnt until mid-November 2021 that I realized that I had nothing to look forward for. Everything I thought about was just a void and nothing mattered and in my usual stubborn way I tried to charge though this wall of the most uncomfortable feeling that I have ever felt. Only to realize that once I got home I was left completely drained of all my energy. So I just went to bed. Thinking this sadness would just go away sometime.

Sometime in December I skipped work. My boss asked if I was okay. It had already been obvious that I wasnt myself, I said the bare minimum and nothing more also I was spacing out when I had the chance. So I get why she was asking that after I disappeared for a few days. My coworkers tried getting me to laugh and all they got was a sad smile that disappeared quickly as I retuned my dwindling attention back to work.

I felt so far away from everyone, like I had just been pushed into the ocean while they were walking on the water and I had to swim. Needless to say that the thought of killing myself emerged more than Id like. Its odd, wanting to die. At the time if I had the energy to do it, I would have. No doubts in my mind. The other thing that kept me from doing it was the fact that I didnt want to sabotage my coworkers by vanishing like that. Been working with them from 2019 and through the awful year of 2020 and the less than stellar 2021.

Late in December, as much as I dont want to admit it I feel that I must. The thought of self harm crossed my mind. I dont even remember where I could have gotten the idea from. Before then I had never thought about it before. To say that the pain of self harm would feel better than being hollow, that would be an understatement. I am not proud in the slightest of what I did, but it was a wonderful feeling. I will not go into details even slightly about what I did, as I dont want anyone else to feel the need to hurt yourself. When I used the word "need" I meant it, as it was no longer a choice but a requirement to live. DO NOT SELF-HARM! Its a hole that you will fall down and may not want to get back from.

Which brings me back to being here in the first place. I am so uninterested in anything that I loved to do before and I am so terrified of telling anyone about what I am feeling that I have been keeping this quiet and hidden a lot better now.   
I am more afraid of what people will think of me once I start opening up. I never talk about myself or my feelings unless Im joking, as I just want to enjoy living life with people. I hate being serious.

So, should I try and see if anybody will listen to me? Am I just a giant baby? How do I bring it up or If I even should? I dont know anymore, and that is what terrifies me. I need advice.

(this was a really long read. Thanks for reading I guess?)