I’m a nineteen year-old girl about to be a college sophomore, and over the past year or so, I’ve been suffering from a lot of emotional turbulence. I’ve grown up dealing with mild to moderate anxiety—nothing unbearable, but definitely always there. I come from a loving family, though in hindsight, I was raised by parents who both also struggled—more so than I do—with anxiety. Aside from that, I’ve always been a pretty emotionally unsteady person. I’m an INFP personality type, a creative writing student, and I admit that I suffer from a lot of the most common weaknesses associated with this type. I’m idealistic. I have high expectations and am disappointed often and easily. I’m restless in relationships, and as much as I like to imagine being in love, I usually end up valuing excitement too much to avoid getting involved in turbulent and temporary flings. I’m private. I like the idea of connecting with people, but I tire out quickly in social situations, and ultimately, if I am close with anyone, it’s because I’ve known them a very long time.

So, yeah. I’m emotional, always have been, but it’s never been a huge problem. In fact, I’ve always liked living that way. Lately, however, the mood swings are starting to get a little out of hand. Some days are great. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m so inspired to be a better person or learn a new skill or whatever, but I always end up burning out fast. Because what happens is I also have days where I’m incredibly irritable and restless for no real reason. Anything anyone says sets me off, and if I’m in a social situation I can’t get out of, it’s almost unbearable how irritable and antsy I get, just wanting to be alone and blare music or something. I’ll get into tearful, screaming fights with loved ones over the smallest, stupidest things, and I’ll be too tired to explain once I’ve come down from these weird highs. Sometimes, these episodes escalate into depression—or what I think is depression, but I’m not sure, because I don’t know that it fits the traditional definition. I don’t necessarily feel dead or lifeless inside. That’s just it. I feel like I have too much life in me. I’m filled with existential dread. I feel like everything is meaningless and everyone is inauthentic, and on the worst of nights, I can be genuinely suicidal. The only thing that stops me from hurting myself is knowing that, the next morning, I’ll probably wake up feeling fine. In fact, that’s the major reason it took me so long to start addressing this problem: I go through these terrible highs, but they’re gone just as quick as they come on, and I always end up convincing myself that it wasn’t as bad as it was. But I know it’s bad because of the scarily disturbed things I write in journals and the impacts this is having on my family life. I also have some substance abuse issues. I drink and get high a lot when I’m feeling this way. Sometimes, if the mood swings are really prevalent, I’m stoned four to five nights a week, and I’m hoping to possibly one day teach English! Like, I know getting caught—especially with weed—could screw up so much for me, but I can’t seem to get it in myself to care when I’m going through these fogs. All I want is to feel numb and relaxed.

I am getting help. My doctor wants to track it longer to see if it’s a possible hormonal problem, and I start counselling in a week, but I guess I’m just wondering if anyone relates to how I’m feeling. I am genetically linked to a few bipolar family members, but most research I do on that disorder says that it’s classified by prolonged periods of depression or mania. What I go through feels much more episodic and fast-paced. Also, I wouldn’t say that, on the days I’m feeling really inspired, it’s 100% abnormal. Like, I don’t feel larger than life or talk fast or run on no sleep or anything like that. I’ve also looked into borderline personality disorder, which seemed like a closer fit, but many sources say that a defining symptom of that seems to be an intense fear of abandonment. I don’t think I have that. I mean, I do get hurt and insecure kind of easily, but I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal. I have pretty healthy, sturdy friendships with a few close people, and like I mentioned before, my biggest problem in romantic relationships is that I get bored or start feeling trapped when things get serious. In the end, I like feeling independent and am genuinely happy to be alone a lot. Please forgive me if I have any misconceptions about either of these disorders. I don't want to disrespect anyone living with them, I just feel like my symptoms don't quite match with what I understand of them. Is it possible that all of this is just a hormonal problem that could be fixed by something as simple as birth control? Could I maybe just be the kind of person who is very emotional and thinks a lot but doesn’t necessarily have anything neurologically out of balance going on with them? I’m just scared. I’ve always been emotional, but I’ve never gotten to a point where I wasn’t sure if I liked the person I was, and lately, these mood swings are making me question that. Any responses would be so appreciated.