I know this sounds REALLY bad but i really cant help myself... 

i have this insane need for control and to know at all times how SO feels about me or what he is doing. he's a really private person and doesn't really like to talk to me about how he really feels about me and my struggle with multiple mental illnesses. i have recently started stalking his reddit account after i saw his username and he explicitly told me not to interact in any way on reddit as this is his private space and he wants me to respect that. i feel so bad about the fact that i have looked at every single comment and post he has posted for the last 5 years but at this point its almost compulsively and i feel like i HAVE to read them again even after i have already read them at least 10 times. normally he only posts things about stocks and stuff like that but years ago he posted about his then girlfriend and other girls he was talking to, seeking advice. also a week ago i saw him comment on a girls body in a rate my naked body type subreddit, saying she was gorgeous, beautiful and had a great body. it literally feels like a knife in the chest to read it and it feels like hes cheating on me. when i saw the comment in rate my body i had this intense hatred and this thought "oh you can play? i can play too" and literally almost posted nudes of myself in the same forum to "punish" him or whatever. 

i really dont know how to stop anymore... at this point i dont even think its about *him* but a form of selfharm