I'm fortunate and get an opportunity for free therapy but the appointments are 2 weeks apart. But I don't have to pay yet so that's fortunate. I'm not sure if 2 weeks is enough but I'm starting to have trouble taking care of myself. I no longer care if people know. I just want to know, is it common for you to feel just so alone. I don't think anyone has even asked how I've been in weeks. 

I try not to drink because I know I don't have healthy drinking habits but sometimes it's not easy. Consciousness is easier and harder when I'm drunk so drinking is always a tempting solution. 

I'm probably going to end up on antidepressants and that scares me. My line for getting help was working out. I always go to the gym. I can't get myself to even go somedays so I got help and even there, I have no one I feel like I can tell. 

It just sucks carrying all this around and having no one to talk to. No one who cares to ask how you're doing and no one you can burden with your problems that really aren't problems. I have no worries.

Financially I can do the bare minimum and get by for now. In school, I can do the bare minimum and get by. In work, I can do the bare minimum and get by. And I still feel like I'm doing so much. 

I feel overwhelmed. I feel numb, I feel stressed, I feel worried, I feel like doing nothing. I feel like I want to disappear, whatever that means. As long as I can just not exist for a while. I want to disappear and not affect the world. I dont want to be able to affect people but I know I'd affect a lot and I have to stick around for all of this. I just want to not exist. Even for a little. I dont want these thoughts. Alcohol can't drown these thoughts. Music can't. Work can't. School can't. My goals can't. My art can't. Work can't. 

I'm always fighting myself and I can't keep fighting. I just can't keep fighting but I have no choice but to endure. I have no choice but to see what tomorrow brings and even though I know what tomorrow brings, the next couple years bring. I just dont want to know. I don't want to keep doing any of this because I don't enjoy anything. My hobbies feel dead to me. My passions, dead. I'm always on edge and I just want to slip off and fall off of the edge but I can't.