my whole body feels stiff, breathing heavy, feels like i can’t get out of the position i’m in mentally and physically. 

I know if i get up and maybe move around it will be okay.. but first i need to get up. i can’t explain it but everything feels hard to move. maybe i can put on a show, then try and focus on it for a while. 

i just have to wait to clam down

i always get set off by thoughts. i lose control almost and it spirals into an attack. i think.

i don’t like this. i don’t like thinking these things especially the thoughts of i’m not enough and that the people in my life don’t want me around.
it’s almost like i know it’s not true... or it can’t be true... but i still believe it and think it... and it feels like that’s anxiety. i’m always scared of those things and it’s caused me to not have good relationships because i’m always in fear of the person leaving me for another or deserting me. i don’t have a relationship with many people family, friends... also with boyfriends i struggle. i have a boyfriend how’s very kind to me but i’m in constant fear he’s going to leave or cheat.

i have been to see counselors and what i’ve boiled down to be is that my past/current relationships with family and boyfriends caused anxiety. my ex was pretty bad to me and we lived together for 4 years and he manipulated/gaslighted me the last year of our relationship and was also sleeping with someone else.
i was called crazy by my boyfriends family and shut out by all of them because i got so upset and tried to protect myself from his shit. 
in the past my mom had also “left”. she went always for 2 years for school and i thought she was coming back but then she moved for her boyfriend to hawaii. we were living apart for 4 years, all of my high school.
in addition to what seems like attachment anxiety, i have anxiety in general... although it can revolve heavily around the fear that i’m not/never will be enough and the fear of being deserted, lied to, or left for another by my partner or even a family member(although not as much family because i’m not in contact with them much).

7 years have passed since all that with my mom but we still don’t have a relationship and i live far from my dad who i see once every two years. i’m 25 now but i feel as i’ve gotten older i realized i’ve always had anxiety and it could have just flared up because of all of this. 
the thing that sucks is that it’s been getting worse, and worse, and worse in the last 5 years to where it’s affected almost every aspect of my life.

i start a really important internship in two weeks and i will be graduating in 6 months and moving into the professional world. 
i’m scared as hell that i’m not going to make it in this world professionally because of all the anxiety i hold everyday. i am also scared i’ll never be able to be happy in a relationship because i’ll always fear them leaving for another.