About a year ago I was hospitalized for an OD, haven’t been the same since. I’ve been numb pretty much since then and have been using weed as a way for me to feel and be able to talk to my family. Weed has helped me for the most part in stuff like eating, and socializing with others too. I scold myself now for crying, missing meals, etc. I usually inflict self harm on myself for these kinds of things because I don’t see them as normal and hope that by harming myself that I achieve somewhat “normality” over time. I’m a lot angrier now and stopped talking and eating pretty much all together. My social anxiety is terrible, I can’t go in public and enjoy a meal nor be able to go in a social setting without being incredibly angry. I view everything as a task, and it’s exhausting. I don’t cry, like at all now and am always in a “calming and monotone” state even when I don’t physically feel like it. I want to be able to be happy and live life without thinking “maybe my emotions aren’t real” and “maybe I’m just making myself seem happy and I’m not”. My anxiety is at the worst it’s ever been and for no reason.