
Today I (17F) had a pretty major test which accounts for 40% of my total grade in one of my major subjects.These tests are very important and it's safe to say that I completely flopped on the one I had today, even the things I'd memorised 50 times I got them wrong. 

Since I have another test day after tomorrow and I thought that I wouldn't calculate my marks for my paper today and make myself feel worse and instead focus on my next test instead since it's a subject that I'm very confident in.
When I reached home after the test today my parents asked how it was, I didn't say much I just said it wasn't that great since I didn't want to dwell on it and wanted to avoid a confrontation with them because I was literally two seconds away from breaking down and crying. Instead I just went to sleep and thought I would wake up after a few hours and start studying for the next test.

Unfortunately I slept through my alarm and wasn't able to wake up even when my parents tried to wake me up. 

when it was dinner time my mom finally had enough of me and turned on the lights in my room and told me to wake up and have dinner, me half asleep again told her that I wasn't feeling well and my head hurt so she just started asking me different things which I wasn't able to answer properly because I'm very disoriented when half Asleep.

then she took my question paper to evaluate my marks for today which is something she's done for all my subjects even though I've asked her not to because it doesn’t sit well with me as the correct marking schemes are not out yet but she still does it anyways.


This made me panic so I went to my parents
Room and told her to not evaluate my marks yet since my mental state isn't the best right now and it won't help me if I get to know them since I knew I had done terrible.

Here's when shit hit the fan, my parents were already annoyed because of my brother and they kind of dumped everything they had in thier minds that was troubling them about me like how my mental state could be bad when all I had to do was study and attempt my exams, how I wasn't scoring well in them ,the fact that I forget to eat my meals or don't pick up my clothes and how it would be okay if I was good at either extracurriculars or Acadamics but I'm bad at both.

Now usually this wouldn't affect me THAT much but today was not a good day so I just said nothing and walked out of thier room and I didn't even realise when I started crying apparently this frustrated my dad even more because " I always try to manipulate my parents into feeling bad by crying after anything goes wrong and all I do is cry every time and how he knew this would happen and he's so sick of me crying everytime"

And here’s where the pattern repeats everytime

I don't know what to do when I can't control my emotions when I feel overwhelmed and I don't even know when I start crying but I do know that I almost loose all sense of control over my mind and body when this happens because everything gets too much and my brain starts repeating everything my parents say or have said or anything painful at all over and over again until I get so physically exhausted that my brain starts slowing down and I finally have a grasp on my self and get aware to take hold of myself again.

This happens  when I'm stressed or just overworked or very emotional 

my mom tells me to just stop crying or tells me to tell her what's wrong but all that comes out of me are sobs because I can't even speak even when I to it just makes me feel worse when she tries to help but doesn't know how to. My dad just tells me to be quieter so other people can not hear me cry.

Eventually I can only calm down when I force myself to not think of anything at all.
I've promised myself to talk to someone professional after my exams end but my parents don't believe that I need help since there are people who have it worse than me and I don't even have any problems in my life and they have more struggles than me.

My parents aren't bad people at all I don't believe that one bit, but sometimes they wound me with things they do or say and I don't know how to heal myself back fully I want to help me and help them but at this point I honestly don't know how to

Anyways I'm sorry if you read all this but I had to vent somewhere, thank you for listening to me.