Me and my girlfriend of almost a year now at this point have been doing well, we met in college last year and are now long distance because of certain situations with my mom having stage 4 cancer and me being on internship for my schooling, and money troubles as well because my dad is losing his job of 39+ years in January. When me and her argue i get so mad that i sometimes don’t acknowledge how she is feeling and i cant stop myself and i try i really do, but i grew-up in a household where my dad yelled at my mom for a lot and i never wanted to be like him. but i am. Im a terrible person. 

Back in the 4-5th months of when we were dating I was using Nicotine and Weed as a coping mechanism to deal with all my trauma and hiding it from her and telling her I wasn’t because I just needed some escape and I didn’t want to burden a girl i see as perfect with all my troubles because she doesn’t deserve that. I know what i was doing was wrong. And i feel so remorseful i’ve been crying for 3 days straight because i keep trying to talk to people but no one is there for me like i was there for them. it just feels like everything is broken and it will never change. i thought about seath and my dad owns a gun in the other room and to be honest i went to go look at it and it calmed me down. i cant deal with losing my mom, girlfriend, friends, everything.

i am in so much pain

im sorry