I have high amounts of motivation for one thing, and ONE thing only - that is work. I use work as a crutch and escape from my personal life. I despise the weekends. The last time I took a vacation was 2 years ago when I was married. I lost all desire to do anything other than hyperfocus on work/career after my divorce. I am feeling nowadays that there is an urgent need to take care of my physical and mental health - but I'm actively ignoring it because of the excuse of needing to work, making enough to pay monthly bills, and waiting for immigration paperwork to be completed. I am fully aware of the consequences of ignoring my health for too long, but at this point unless someone physically drags me to go see a doctor and a therapist - I will keep ignoring it. Even if anyone shames me into doing better, I will just keep quiet and lie. Every week I tell myself, I'll start soon. Every week ends, my crippling anxiety and feelings of isolation set in and I am unable to even lift a finger, then I say to myself, "I need to rest, maybe I'll start next month."

I can't keep living like this. Some part of my brain is actively sabotaging any effort needed to get better - I can't explain how I know this but I can physically feel it. I need to find a solution otherwise I am done for. I'm scared I might not wake up from sleep one morning.