I posted this because I want to document my decline in mental health and because I wanted to show someone but dont have the guts to. 
Just how i feel.


12:50 am
Depression is a weird feeling. You feel as if everything you ever wanted or want is slipping from your reach. All you can do is watch it leave. These past few days have been like hell, suicidal and depressed. I try to not let it show but it somehow ends up surfacing. Feeling suicidal isn't just wanting to die just because you want to, you feel as if everything that's wrong will be fixed by doing it. It's a deep feeling you're attracted to the idea of it. You want it, you need it. If you're rash you would probably do it before giving it a second thought. I have to think about it long and hard and realize that's not what i want and that they aren't real thoughts and eventually ground myself. One way i achieve that is by using my phone. But not just using it, i have to watch something like a cartoon, usually those seem to help more than anything. I could be reading, listening to music which usually helps and then get the feeling. Like now, 12:58 am. I have to either write it down as it occupies my mind. There also seems to be a decrease in the color spectrum, when you get depressed everything changes colors to more darker and dirtier colors. When you feel good the colors can change I experienced it only once. I was very depressed and anxious but i started to occupy my mind by thinking and breathing. When i opened my eyes the colors were different. They were brighter and colorful it almost made me cry. It felt like seeing colors for the first time. Trying to document depression isn't easy but i feel it's a necessary thing to do. Usually nostalgia makes me sad or i feel indifferent towards it. I almost can't feel it. There's a strange side to depression your brain will make you do things you would otherwise never really do. As if it's trying to find something thatll help the feeling. When you get depression it's as if your brain is broken you can change drastically or can be over time. Mine was over time, caused by bullying, neglect and other things. I felt normal as a kid you know, doing normal kid things. I think I grew up with attachment issues. I would attach myself to almost everything that made me happy, and not in a healthy way. My friends, i wouldn't be able to function without them. I would have to be doing something with them that brought me joy. Otherwise if something stood in my way I would cry. Couldn't even go to preschool without crying my eyes out. I saw the other kids and asked myself how they didn't cry I eventually learned there wasn't much I could do and had to stop crying. I think its due to my mom mostly treating me as if I was too fragile. I grew up too attached to those that would be the authoritive figures maybe. Your interests are non existent you don't do things cuz you enjoy them but because you either used to or feel as if it's necessary. I love computers, software and all that stuff. Mostly when I was a kid and they brought me immense joy. But now I tinker with them because I think it will have a different outcome as it has had the past few years. I think it started mostly when I matured and realized I grew up in not the best place, the ghetto, finding needles from people shooting up heroin on the ground was so common I thought it was normal. A house next door caught fire one day i thought it was just a normal accident but it was a crack house. One of my neighbors was either a meth dealer or did prostitution as he would always have different people over and would always sit outside half naked waiting for his next client. Finding white outlines of bodies in chalk every other day was normal to me. Once I matured i realized that not only did my parents try their hardest to keep me from thinking we weren't financially stable, but that they also raised me well even in a shit hole. It feels kind of selfish being depressed all the time you make everyone feel as if everything they do to help you is in vain, but that's not true you just can't really feel anything towards it. Meds seem to help but not much specially since they take time for you to feel anything. There's a lot to depression that can't be put in words but i will try my best. You can tend to feel like a failure and sure you may have failed a few times but that doesn't make you a failure you're just learning, it's part of life. There's this deep feeling inside your heart that yearns for feelings other than sadness, but when you do feel anything they can usually be either amplified or not felt enough. Then there's the sadness its not the type of sadness that can make you cry but just hurts. Feels as if nothing you do can satisfy you, or "it"you don't know why you're doing it. You lose touch with yourself, you don't know what you look like, you don't know anything. Your brain goes blank. It's a lot of effort to think, to recall, and to imagine, so it's easier to give up on it and say you forgot and don't know. If you were to try and think you would get incredibly tired by the end of the day. Then there's the tiredness. It's not a type of tired that can be solved by sleeping, napping, resting. Nothing you do seems to quench it's thirst for your energy. Then there's the anxiety, whenever you think, your chest can tighten. If it's bad enough it can hurt your throat muscles even. There can also be tinnitus, a ringing in your ears so constant you can even hear it when you're asleep. If you're lucky enough to be in complete silence, you will go crazy, it only progresses. First it's a slight ringing you hear once in a while that can be drowned out by your own thoughts. Then it gets louder and not even headphones or blasting music can help. Then there's thumping that can be felt up to your head, that will make sure you go crazy. Confusion can be quite normal, you don't know what you're looking at why you doing what you're doing and when you started doing it. Can be frustrating but you can get the hang of it and then you have to think long and hard about almost everything. 
1:50 am