I don’t feel anything, I feel like every choice I’ve made has been a mistake 
I just don’t wanna be here. 
I feel bad for João, he doesn’t know what to do….There’s nothing he can do really, that’s the worse.
Sometimes I think of the way I’d execute myself, sad I know, but the thought of no more stress or anxiety sounds so relieving.
But the pain id cause to others is horrible
I just wanna disappear, into the wall or bed or anywhere but here. 
I just want the thoughts to stop, for one day. 
Once a month. That’s all I would need.
I don’t wanna be around anyone. Besides João.
He’s my happy place. Yes, my happy place is a person. But he makes me smile, laugh, feel good. He makes me feel like I deserve everything, I can’t leave him. It would kill him. I wouldn’t wanna hurt him like that. I know if I go through with it, he would become depressed. I wouldn’t wanna have him go through what I go through. 

I hate that I have to act happy all the time because I don’t want anyone to not like me. I was told that’s why everyone stopped liking me. I became depressed, I was sad all the time. But I don’t get what’s wrong with me. It’s not like I don’t have a decent life right now. I have a home, a boyfriend, a great job, I can travel when I want, I can go do whatever I put my mind too. But I don’t have the will to do it. Just like I don’t have the will to kill myself. I think about it, But I know I couldn’t go through with it. I’m too scared. But the thoughts I have are killing me too. The happy me, the me I had worked so hard to better, she’s gone. Now I’m alone with the monster in my head. He’s been there so long I might as well be friends with him. 

Another reason why I try not to give in to giving the evil man what he wants is Matthew 
My brother is 10, he’s 5’1. He was my best friend until I moved 1000 miles away. I’ve pushed him away because I hate to see him get the life I wanted. But I love him so much that I wouldn’t wanna break his heart. Imagine, a 10 year old having to understand why his sister didn’t wanna be on this earth anymore. 
I wanna see him go to homecoming, prom, graduate, I wanna see him get married, have kids. I wanna see him do great things in his life, because he deserves it. I hope he gets it all. Whether I am apart of his life all the time or just when I am able to visit. I hope he understands how much he means to me.
I want him to understand I wasn’t ready to leave him if I could I would have brought him to Florida with me. 

To myself, 
Why are you so hard on yourself? 
Haven’t you gotten what you wanted most of the time?
Some people would kill to have some people still here, why take that for granted? 
I feel like I don’t deserve anything good to happen to me. I am what I was always told. I’m lazy and I just don’t care. I want all the pain and struggles to stop. I don’t know how to describe what’s happening in my mind. It’s just a big catastrophe. Million thoughts running back and forth, a voice telling me I’m not worth it, just to end it, my sanity begging me to stay to wait for the sun to rise and try again. I wish I could erase all the bad memories to keep myself from drowning in them. I would probably be better off, if I could. Every time I get so sad that I’m willing to just go, I look over at this man who has been through everything, I see that he still pushes and supports not only himself but me. He makes sure I’m happy, even when I lie, he never wants me to feel this way. He hates to see me sad. He didn’t deal with the regular old American trauma, this mf is from Brazil. The favela. If he can do it and then why can’t I? Why can’t I stay for him and Matthew? If not for me then them.