I recently broke up with my boyfriend who was diagnosed with BPD during our relationship. The main reason I needed to end things is that large and out of control splitting happened at least once or twice a month. During these episodes, in addition to incredibly hurtful verbal abuse (most recently - " I wish you choke and die." "You are an abuser and ho." "I never loved you."), he would often break up with me. The next day he would want to get back together. This would be incredibly painful and scary for me, sometimes leading to panic attacks. I tried to stay balanced, reading a lot about what to do in these situations, and sometimes I did! But often I would get swept up, end up running away, or crying, or sometimes screaming to get him to stop. I have even hit him when he wouldn't stop saying these cruel things and wouldn't let me get away from him. This is absolutely not a person I want to be, and I know that my behavior was unacceptable. Therefore, I know I need to never be put in a position where I have no agency like that.

The last time this happened, I realized that I couldn't keep going through this experience. I am entirely aware that these episodes are outside of his control and I do not blame him in any way for it. I simply need to take care of myself because I can't handle it anymore and it has been breaking me down for months. I told him that the break up threat was my boundary and if it happened again I won't be able to take him back.

Well he did it and I held my boundary. He doesn't like the idea that I ended it over something outside of his control and says I am essentially being cowardly and don't trust that he can change. He has promised to change and start taking meds, etc. But I know that his BPD won't just disappear and even if it did, I have so much pain built up it's hard to imagine recovering a loving and functional relationship. Even in the two weeks of break up, he has had a splitting and crossed my boundary.  I've tried to explain it simply has to do with what I can handle and I do trust him, I just can't be his romantic partner during his healing.

Is there any way to explain to him that this break up needs to happen for me and that it's not his fault or mine? I just want him to appreciate and respect my needs. He seems to think that if I truly loved him we would get back together, and if I say I can't then I must not really love him.  That is not how my love works. I love him, and I know I can't be with him.

From my research, I understand he might have to hate me in order to move forward and let go. Do you think so? I hope this isn't the only way out, but if it is, I guess I will have to accept that and hold the truth of our past love in my heart alone.

Thoughts? Advice?