Preface: I move next weekend and am not good at handling change, I have a cold,  and not good at handling it,  and I made a huge mistake while packing. 

Because of earlier panic I took hydroxyzine and became tired.  All was well,  planned to nap,  until my nose completely clogged up. I know I have a mouth,  I'm using it,  but I feel like no matter what I do I can't get enough air. Panic started right back up. I decided to try to squirt water up my nose with a baby aspirator but remembered two people in Louisiana a couple years ago died from using tap water and I don't have distilled.  Moving around seemed to open my sinuses up some,  so I decided to work on packing. I did that for 2 hours but eventually couldn't anymore because i have severe dysautonomia (neurological problem). While stopping I pulled my dad's ashes onto the bed from my boxes and decided to open the container from the creamatory. 1) his ashes are almost pure white.  My cousin was right,  they don't look normal. 2) they are in a loose end plastic bag with a bread tie.  How freaking disrespectful. As I'm examining them,  i realized little poofs of "smoke" were coming out.  The bag had small holes.  So not only was the top open aside from a bread tie,  there was holes leaking my dad's ashes onto my hands. That was the gritty feeling I assumed was my nerve damage.  Nope.  I put it back in the box the creamatory gave me his ashes in while apologizing profusely to my father. Now I'm outside,  panicking that because I feel like I'm suffocating,  with my dad's ashes and boogers on my hands.  My heart is pounding,  I'm shaking and lightheaded and know I need to eat but I don't want to wash my hands. Washing my dad down the drain? My husband is taking forever to get home (he said 30 minutes but it's been over 3 hours), I'm terrified and ripping hair out, feel like the sum of the earth,  i don't know what to do. I just took more hydroxyzine.  I hope that helps somehow and my husband gets home because i can't do this.  

Sorry for the rant. I have no where to vent.  