First post here but I needed to vent about how much this disorder screws me up.

•I’m either always sad and never happy or always happy and never sad , I find myself often discrediting all of my emotions like:

“I can’t be actually sad because I’ve been happy before, if I can still be happy is my sadness really valid?”
Or
“Am I really happy or am I just suppressing my sadness?” 
I shift between emotion so often that I don’t even know how I’m actually feeling? I can’t trust my own emotions because they’re always changing.

•I need to talk about it but I feel awful for talking about it

When I run into a trigger (which typically seems to be specific people) I hit panic mode where I need to talk about it 
People show even some interest in listening and I’ll go off about all of my problems saying things out of anger and sadness 
That I ultimately regret “I come off as crazy? irrational? I shouldn’t have said that.” 

•I feel like I crave attention and that makes me feel invalid

Sometimes I feel like every emotion I feel is so that somebody out there will see me struggling and tell me what I want to hear 
As an example I had an awful breakup a while ago and every time I see him I breakdown to myself then get mad when he doesn’t react 
Then I get even angrier because everything I just did proves I’m not over him

Sometimes I crave being a part of drama because then people pay attention to me and talk to me and I feel important 

•I’m insecure and I’m constantly comparing myself to others

Every day I spend hours upon hours looking in the mirror I’ll go out of my way to scrutinize myself 
I care way to much what others think of me 

and if I hear the slightest bad thing about myself I spring into a mixture of anger and self pity and that comment will affect me for years to come most likely 

I also find myself extremely judgmental as one of my coping mechanisms tend to be telling myself
 “your prettier then her you’ll be fine”  
“Your more mature then her your better then her”
I find myself shutting people away or being rude to people for no real reason because of this.

•I get obsessed with people and things way to easily

I find a new obsession every day it feels like, I fall in love with people that I admire, if I feel a connection to someone I’ve never even spoken to I’ll claim I love them and I’ll think about them often

I’ll find a movie I like and watch it 400 times in a row I find a hobby I take interest in and I’ll put extreme amounts of effort into that hobby only to forget about it within a week 

•relationships give me ridiculous amounts of anxiety 

I have to be your number one best friend otherwise I know you hate me, I also stopped texting people because I’m afraid nobody will answer me 

If you don’t talk to me all the time you must hate me 
I’ve sent hundred of texts in response to being left on read, acknowledging they make me clingy but I can never stop
I hate your other best friend because you like her more then me and because of that our friendship is over

•I’m always letting people walk all over me because I don’t want people to leave me; I have severe abandonment issues 

No love towards me ever feels permanent i feel like everybody in my life will leave me if I disagree with them or if I tell them I feel like they’re treating me wrong
My dad and my step dad where both abusive and walked out on me at young ages, 
my ex took advantage of me because of this, when he told me he was leaving me I apologized even though he blatantly used me for sex

I read some of the texts I sent to him sometimes and cry because I apologize so often and I’d constantly try to reassure him that it wasn’t his fault he left me but it was mine
He left but 6 months later I refuse to let go completely because I’m scared to lose another person

Oof sorry this is so long and I jumped around quite often I had to vent though and it felt kinda good not gonna lie :) thank you to everyone that reads this 

In summary though my whole brain is constantly contradicting itself and I’m always fighting myself I haven’t found a cope yet and it’s been very hard :)

Thank you everybody :)

