Last year, I had an anxiety attack that lasted for weeks. I should have seen it coming, but I really didn't know things could get that bad. It went from maybe 1-2 panic attacks a month; to this:

On the day it began, I woke up crippled with anxiety. This led to a lack of appetite, nausea, and diarrhea. That made me even more terrified, so I continued starving. I couldn't even control it at this point. I wasn't leaving the house, eating, or even bathing. My mother couldn't leave me even to take a bath herself, I couldn't be alone at all without completely breaking down.

I'd have a panic attack before bed every single night and have to sleep in with my mother at the age of 22. So I'd suffer all day, panic at night, and have to sleep with a freezing ice pack on the most sensitive areas of my body to distract from the pure fear.

On one of those nights, I got super itchy. I couldn't stop, and suddenly there were giant hives appearing all over my body. I'd never seen anything like them. Bright red all over my back, on my ears, my armpits, legs, feet, etc. Puffy mega-hives on my thighs. 

My eyelids began to swell, the area of my fingers around my joints did too, then my lips, then my throat. I'm not allergic to anything. I was so sick that I didn't even think about how terrified I was to go to the doctor's office. It was completely mind over matter, I thought I was dying. 

My blood was taken and I was given steroids. My bloods came back with less than half of the bare minimum of Vitamin D I should have had. The doctor said that my anxiety had become so severe, that it manifested in angioedema and hives. My urine was so full of ketones that I was told 'eat, or you're going into hospital'. 

People would make my meals and I couldn't even smell them or look at them. The most anyone got me to eat in that period of time was a few bottles of Slimfast as a 'bare minimum' meal replacement. I felt ready to die. 

Eventually I was encouraged to take benzos whenever I needed them, within reason. Gradually, while sitting in one place and refusing to move my head due to the dizziness, binge watching comforting and lighthearted shows until bedtime, things began to improve enough for me to try and build my confidence again. 

I was eating a few fries in gravy every so often, sometimes a bag of crisps, a banana, more Slimfast, etc. For a while after this horrible episode calmed down, I'd still need someone to chat to while I played video games to distract myself, or someone to binge watch comfort shows with after meals to try and cope with the feeling of food in my stomach.

I could only walk around 20 steps outside of my home with my dog. I'd get so dizzy and nauseous that I was afraid I'd pass out and she'd run away. I still couldn't allow anyone to leave me even to go to the store half a mile up the road, or let anyone leave me to take the dog out properly.  

Sometimes I feel like I've made absolutely no progress because I'm sitting on that cusp. Where things aren't so bad anymore at all, but they're not as good as I wish they could be. I still have moderate to severe symptoms of anxiety every day. I still have panic attacks. But what I experienced last year was rock bottom, it's as far down as it could go, and it's comforting to know it will never get worse than that. 

The future I see for myself now is very different to the one I imagined a few years ago, but the key word is future. I see a future now.

I'm able to walk my dog properly on good days now, and walk her 'enough' on slightly worse days. I can go on car rides again. I can go into stores again, I can have people in my home again, I can be alone again, I've been into other people's homes again. I did get a job and cope with the interview, but had to turn it down primarily for reasons unrelated to anxiety. I got a boyfriend. I'm continuing my education. 

Don't get me wrong, I still suffer a lot. Every day is a battle, I still struggle to be outside alone, with crowded places, placed I feel trapped like queues, etc, and my eating (or lack thereof) gets very out of control still - I've had a few episodes of restriction so bad that it's now damaging my health. Things can still be bad and be 'good' though.