Sorry for the very long post. I just really need advice for what I'm going through right now.

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So recently I've come to a pretty scary realisation that I've had BPD my whole life. But I only got a proper diagnosis in February this year, so I still don't know absolutely everything about my mental illness yet. I was hoping anybody here could help me.

I've realised that ever since towards the end of 2017, I've ended up slowly losing interest in so many things that I once loved dearly. I've thought that it might be splitting, though it's way more gradual so I don't think it is. I'm very into escapism, so I adore movies, music, writing, drawing... A lot of artistic stuff I guess. I'm a pretty arty person.

I really used to love watching movies and certain musicals, as well as a particular genre of music, but nearly a year went past and I very slowly just lost interest in those things. I also went through this massive phase for about half a year where I just completely lost interest in drawing. I used to draw several pieces of artwork nearly every single day, but since recently getting back into drawing again, my motivation has tremendously died down, and now I only feel like drawing 2-3 drawings a week...

I mean, I still really like all these things, but it's just as if... everything I liked lost its spark...? It's hard to explain. I still love these things, but a part of me just doesn't care enough about it anymore to still be fully interested in it if that makes sense. Everything feels so drained of its vibrant colour it once had. It's come to the point where I literally try to force myself back into these interests so I can back its spark, though I don't think it has worked.

I think all this might have to do with when in 2018, I fell into a terrible, constant depressive state all year, and I was under so much stress and pressure because I was shoved into all these advanced classes at school I wasn't smart enough for. I ended up self-harming almost daily and had this constant, very strong urge to just end it all. I was also in a massive ongoing argument with my emotionally and previously physically abusive father, which just added to the huge thunderstorm going on in my head. I feel like all of that may have impacted my mental health greatly and really messed me up in the head...

I'm just so scared. I'm starting to lose interest in music that's been so therapeutic for me for a year now. I'm so awfully scared that everything I love will lose its spark... That everything that has a special place in my heart is just going to be drained of all its colours... A lot of the stuff I once loved so much has already lost its value to me. I don't want to be colourblind to all my old interests anymore. I don't want to slowly but surely become colourblind to the things I currently love now. The thought of my life slowly descending into a massive black pit of emptiness once again is so scary to me.

I don't know what to do... If anybody has any advice it's so greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

\-Lakoda