This is my first post ever on reddit. Not really sure if I should add trigger warnings or anything, but TW for anxiety and some suicidal thoughts near the end of this post I guess. 

So I'm going to start school tomorrow and every. fucking. thing. is going wrong.

First off, a pipe burst in our house or something. And some people came and shut off our main water so that they could fix the problem. Because of this, there is no running water in the house, and this could mean that I will not be able to shower, brush my teeth, use the bathroom, etc. My parents are saying we have to go to a hotel for the night and there's a whole bunch of chaos and yelling. So, yeah, that sucks.

Two: My phone has a screen time limit thing, courtesy of my dad, which is reasonable, I admit that I spend way too much time on my phone. However, because of this limit, there is also a *communication* limit. Meaning that I can't message friends. Or anyone other than my family. You may be saying "So just use your computer or whatever", well yeah, I did, I reached out with a message that's basically me masking my panic/anxiety with an attempt at humor, and none of them responded. Which is reasonable, 'cause it's the day before fucking school and they're probably busy. God, I'm probably annoying to them. 

Three:  Virtual school was a goddamn *blessing* to me, 'cause I could turn my camera off and stay on mute, and not run like the fucking Flash to catch the goddamn bus. I didn't have to wake up early. I could eat breakfast off camera instead of scarfing it down and nearly choking and dying. I didn't have to get lost finding my classes. I didn't get cold called on as much. It was *bliss*. Stressful sometimes, but usually *bliss*. But this time, this time it's in-person school. These *idiots* decided to do the open house thing where we can see our school *first*, and *then* decided to send us our schedules like 2 days after. Tell me *Janica*, how the *fuck* was that supposed to be efficient. I have no idea where my classes are. I don't remember the layout of the school because my memory is shit. I couldn't hear anything the tour person was saying because one of my kind-of-sort-of-not-really friends was talking half the time. But let me tell you, that's not what pisses me off/scares me the most. Me having to wake up really early and rush to get to school and dealing with having no idea what the school's layout is is not what's sending me into a panic. 

What *is* sending me into a panic is the fact that I have to *talk* and actually *interact* with people. I wish i had the necessary social skills to actually *hold* a conversation with someone and not keep on wondering if they secretly hate me and if the way they said the word 'the' was them trying to give me an obvious signal to get away from them and that they wish I wasn't here. I don't want to deal with having to get up and walk across the classroom without getting flustered and feeling like people are scrutinizing my every move and waiting for me to mess up. I don't want  to choke up and turn bright, tomato red when the teacher asks me a question. I don't want to silently suffer instead of asking someone for directions. I wish I didn't feel like everyone was talking shit about me behind my back. I wish I could go out and be normal instead of having sweat pour from every crevice on my body when the person asks me for my order. 

Interacting with people is terrifying me right now, and that sounds stupid. Just the thought of talking to someone random or to teachers sends me spiraling. 

But all of this has made me think that I can't do it. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I just can't. It's too overwhelming, and it's not even that much. I've been hoping that some kind of accident happens to me so I don't have to go to school, and I feel horrible thinking that, because people's lives have been ruined because of accidents and it's just fucking school so it shouldn't be that big of a problem. I've even thought about jumping off of the second floor and getting some kind of injury when I land so that I don't have to go, but I'm too chicken to do that. I'm a coward. 

It astounds me that I'm this scared to go to school. It's almost pathetic even. I don't even know if I'll be able to make it through the day tomorrow.

Anyways, I think I've made my point. Sorry if it's really long or rambly (is rambly a word?) or repetitive. I just wanted to vent.