(tw for passing mentions of self harm and suicide)

A bit of background: I'm 21, a trans guy, and was diagnosed with BPD at 18 after a string of suicide attempts. I'm not currently on medication, but I'm starting DBT in just over a week. I also have autism and depression, and suspect I might have anxiety, who knows. I'm super nervous posting this because honestly it sounds so silly written down, but here goes.

I have some awful jealousy issues centered around my best friend. We've known each other for a while through school, got talking properly three years ago, and in the last year or so we've grown really close. This is all good stuff, but since we've gotten so close I've become extremely possessive of her.

**Example #1:** a few months ago she told me she was going to visit a friend for a few days. My reaction: I had a breakdown that consisted of a two-hour long panic attack, crying for all I was worth, then cutting myself silly because I was convinced that she would either 1. decide she liked this person more than me and then inevitably abandon me or 2. plot with this person to kill me so she doesn't have to deal with me anymore. (I often have delusions and begin to hallucinate under extreme stress.) In the end I had to delete her number off my phone, remove her from my Skype, and get myself two twelve-hour shifts at work to stop myself pestering her and ruining her weekend. I got into a lot of trouble at work for accomplishing basically nothing, instead moping around like my soul had left my freaking body.

**Example #2:** we're both gamers, and she's really looking forward to this new Blizzard game, Overwatch. It's not out yet but it's an online multiplayer shooter sort of thing, with the beta dropping some time in the autumn. Anyway... I have nightmares about it most nights, I have panic attacks when people mention it, I literally sit at my desk and cry until I have nosebleeds or throw up. It's gotten to the point that I've had to install keyword blockers for my browser to stop myself running into the words 'Overwatch' or 'Blizzard' by accident because even seeing those words will set off panic attacks and stress me out to the point I dissociate and start hearing/seeing things for days at a time. My reasoning? I am utterly, 100% convinced that she will meet new people through this game, like them more than me, and ditch me. That's literally all it is. She insists that she won't, but I am very black and white, and once I've formed an opinion it's very difficult to get me change my mind. This mindset extends to all other multiplayer games too but for some reason my mind has classed Overwatch as, like. The Ultimate Evil. As you do. 

And then there's a bunch of other things like flying into a panic if she doesn't tell me that she's going out and leaves her Skype signed in (so I think she's still there and freak out when I get no reply), or feeling personally offended when she says she's going out with her mum for the day or I see her boot up a multiplayer game on Steam. And I constantly split on all of her friends, instantly hating them if they show any affection towards her (which they do, of course)... which just drives the wedge in further.

I am aware this behaviour must sound absolutely ridiculous, I am aware it's bad and I am aware it's hurting her deeply, but I can't get a handle on it no matter how hard I try. Deep breathing and stuff like taking baths or going for a walk doesn't do anything for me. I usually resort to hurting myself because nothing else works. She tries to talk me down and tells me she loves me multiple times a day, which helps, but only minimally... I get myself into such a state that trying to get through to me is pretty futile. 

And just. This is so silly. I love this girl very much, and don't want to lose her. She has been steadfast for years in saying that she won't leave me (she wants to go into mental health, has done extensive research, and tries her best to understand) but I cannot go on treating her like this. It's just not fair. I am trying my best to be the best friend she deserves but it's just. So. Hard. We've made small compromises - e.g she'll give me half an hour's warning before she goes to play a game with another friend - but I can't be wrapped up in cotton wool all the time and in general I don't think I'm getting any better.

So... can anybody relate? ~~Please tell me you relate. I couldn't find anything on jealousy this bad.~~ What can I do to help this situation?

^(I'm so sorry for the length, I've needed to get this off my chest for a while.)

**edit:** lmao I tried to edit this post to add flair and my keyword blocker detected 'Overwatch' and wouldn't let me access the page this is so ironic I'm going to cry
