Everywhere I go I feel like a guest. I can't seem to find my home. I am always on alert, high on a subtle feeling of dread. I only used to feel like this when I was staying at a hotel room or during sleepovers. It is a specific feeling that I was scared of because it fueled the pit in my stomac, the anxiety in my head. It got me feeling unsafe and unprotected, unwelcomed and unloved. Now it is literally my life.

I am uncomfortable in my parents' house and I am uncomfortable in my dorm room. The door always looks at me, expects me to get up and leave because it is not my place. It watches me like a prey animal. It stands still, as if it's going to make a sudden move to attack me because I stepped in enemy territory.

I would like to skin myself alive. I don't like my skin, I want to escape it. I would love to feel nothing but pain, coldness and regret after accomplishing it. This is what I always do, really. I get myself hurt and then wonder why I let it happen at all. I am never learning, never bettering myself. Just dragging myself through mess after mess wondering when it's going to stop.