I think my mental health might be getting dangerous. I don’t feel like I want to *unalive* at all but I think I’m definitely depressed. And I think I have been for a really long time. 

I was pretty burned out and depressed all
of jr high and high school, and then was diagnosed with ADHD which helped a lot. I left and went to school and was pretty happy for those four years. When I graduated, I moved back to my hometown to save money and again got super depressed. 

It’s been pretty up and down these past few years. I fixated on a guy for a couple years and that kept the depression away bc I was so focused on the chase. Last year he ended up with a different girl and I got super depressed and passively wanted to unalive, but this time feels different. 

Then, I got into a relationship with my boyfriend. And now that we’re in a really good, healthy spot, the depression is setting in, which isn’t what I thought would happen. 

I can’t sleep and I wake up extremely agitated when I do. I hate every picture I take of myself. I constantly look exhausted. I have anxiety that makes it hard to breathe sometimes. I cry for no reason. Even the thought of restarting my hobbies fills me with dread and exhaustion. I can’t do anything but scroll through my phone. 

It’s like having no relationship problems has forced me to confront all my actual problems. I hate my job but I’m stuck until my boyfriend graduates. I hate where we live but I’m stuck. I hate that I have no one but my boyfriend to really talk to or trust. If I go to my parents they’ll just throw Bible verses and prayers at me. 

I feel trapped and I feel like my identity and purpose is just fading into the sewers and becoming slushy nothing. I haven’t even had a passing ideation of ******* but this feels more dangerous and real than any other time I’ve been depressed. 

I can’t afford therapy even with insurance. So. Idk. I just need some solidarity I guess.