I never thought I’d be speaking out about this ‘publicly’ 

Before I get into it here’s some insight that might be useful but I’m not sure.. 

19 
Male
Gay 

I am clinically depressed and I wasn’t fully aware of it until 5 years ago these past two years have been the hardest so far. 

Depression runs in my family, both of my parents are on antidepressants as am I. 
Each day is so painful, it’s this indescribable pain that’s eating me alive. It’s so painful that it feels like my body is going to go into shock and die on its own. 

I have a loving partner, loving friends and have things going for me but I don’t enjoy any of it. I lack to ability to enjoy anything and to see a point in a life. We all pass away at one point and if I’m suffering what’s the point in staying here. 

I want to pass on so badly, the only reason I haven’t yet is because I don’t want to pass on the hurt to others but if I’m being honest there’s only so much I can handle. 
Money doesn’t excite me, a ‘dream’ career doesn’t, none of the stuff I loved excites me anymore and I get over new things so quickly. 

On top of being mentally ill I keep getting physically sick too all the emotional stress is making me get sick all the time and that on top of the depression is so unbearable. 
I have tried to plan a date to do it, my partner is fully aware of my situation and he watches over me as my doctor instructed him to. He knows how much I’m hurting and he tries as much as he can.

Even though he tries so much it’s so really hard for him to make me feel better. 

I don’t want to hurt him by passing but it’s getting to the point of where I’m going insane. Each day is the same, painful experience and even when I conjure up the slightest energy change up the day it stresses me out and makes me feel worse. I also can’t really leave my room as it stresses me out and gives me anxiety to be away from my safe space. 

I’ve also been getting a really bad memory lately and have episodes of confusion where I am unable to recognize the faces of the people close to me properly and everything really confuses me and I can’t process anything. 

I just don’t wanna be here anymore. 
Nothing is helping. What do I do?