I’m so sick of everything. I’ve been depressed with thoughts of suicide for years but I struggled through cause “things get better” and “think about your loved ones” but it’s not fucking worth it anymore. 

I hate getting up in the morning going to college and sitting in a classroom bored and not absorbing anything and stressed and filled dread knowing I’m going to fail exams but just cannot be arsed trying harder. Even if I pass I dread the idea of going back to work bored and stressed and tired and getting yelled at for the next 40 years.

I have friends and yes I know everyone has problems and troubles but they’re still all HAPPIER than me they have SOMETHING to keep them going. One of them loves their job, two of them are living together and have a relationship and a house and dog, one of them loves going out partying at weekends, I don’t have anything.

I go out and socialise and try and have fun but I’m just not. Everyone else has funny stories and experiences and I just sit along and laugh and have nothing to add. I think there’s just something actually wrong with me where I just can’t experience fun or happiness. Weird example but I’ve had sex once or twice and I just didn’t enjoy it. I’m not asexual I’m attracted to girls but it just feels devoid of pleasure.

I’ve been prolonging this for so long but I just can’t seem to find a reason to bother anymore. I had 2 dogs who I loved and kept me going and helped for years but they died. I used to find stupid little reasons to keep pressing on like “well got to see next season of game of thrones!” or “gotta play the new Pokemon game” but I’m not even enjoying media anymore it just feels like a way to kill time. I had feelings for this girl for the longest time and I finally thought I had a chance with recently but she went home with someone else and like that’s fine, he’s actually a good guy but gdi it was one more reason to hang in there and it’s gone.

I don’t know what I expect from this lmao but I’m at the end of my rope, I’m eating like one meal a day, I’m just staying in bed from the time I get home til I have get up, I can’t stop crying I don’t know what to do or why to bother