After years of hating my mental illness (anxiety, panic disorder, phobia, bpd, various diagnoses) I decided to use some positive thinking to reframe it as something I can make peace with and accept. I thought ok what are the positives, what aspects of anxiety should I be thankful for? Like good thing I was so anxious: I took extra cautions when driving so didn’t get into an accident, or I studied everything because I was afraid of failure so I got good grades, or I used 3 monitors and hardly slept so I kept my infant alive. I reached a point after well over a decade of struggling I had to just accept it as a part of who I was so I tried to literally say in my brain, thank you anxiety for making me spend hours googling my health issue, now I’m super healthy; or thanks anxiety for my healthy safe children; thanks anxiety for making sure I don’t get Covid. 

Life has gotten really good as my anxiety has steadily increased to a plateau where panic attacks are daily, and anxiety is constant. Now it’s to the point I don’t want to treat my anxiety, because I think if I were ever normal or calm, I would miss dangers or I wouldn’t prepare well enough. Although it’s driving me insane and holding me back from so many things, I believe that I need my anxiety, it’s what’s keeping me and my family safe. 

I had a superstition that started as a young teen where I would imagine all the bad things that could happen in every given scenario so that none of them would happen since I reasoned, things never go exactly as they do in my head, so if I thoroughly think through all the bad things, at least I know those scenarios probably won’t happen. It’s an odd sort of ritual that now happens automatically. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve imagined my husband cheating or thought about my Children’s funerals. It’s awful and I feel emotions really strongly so it effects me very deeply, but I feel almost like it’s helping me avoid those things. It’s like I’ve turned it into a tool, consider all the bad scenarios so I can prepare myself mentally and do/buy/act in whatever way I need to prevent those bad things. I feel utterly dependent on my anxiety. 

Not only that I imagine myself dying and think I’m having a heart attack many times per day. Cancer, autoimmune disorders, blood clots, embolism. I’ve spent tons of time at the doctors only for them to tell me I’m mostly actually very healthy except for a few things they can keep in check. So my anxiety again gets reinforced: every little time there’s something wrong, my belief that my anxiety is founded grows stronger. If I’m in fact super healthy or they find nothing wrong, I attribute it to my vigilance which keeps me eating healthy and living a healthy lifestyle. Thanks anxiety. And god forbid I feel a twinge or pang of anything. It’s alarm bells constantly, but it’s worth it right, if it saves my life?? 

Constantly over analyzing everything is exhausting to me and those around me, but I don’t have a choice. My anxiety is all that’s keeping me afloat and I cling to it, even though it’s dragging me so far down.