I have a family member who I suspect to have characteristics of BPD, NPD, and also PTSD because they are a veteran (but truthfully they went to the army because they were always a trouble child to begin with). As a family member and with our 'privileged but dysfunctional' upbringing, I have experienced certain verbal and physical traumas from this family member, also to note we as a family probably all piggy-backed onto our toxicity when we did not know better and still currently struggle not to. I suspect that I have BPD too but more so Quiet BPD, especially after realizing how toxic I was in a recent relationship and reflecting on my childhood social patterns. I started seeing the same toxic patterns that my family member had that I was also now doing. 

The one thing I differentiate myself from them is that they are more intense, more frequent, and also seemingly narcissistic- also different gender if that plays some sort of role or not. They talk about wanting to have so much power where no one else can overpower them and wondering how to achieve that.. such as enough to kill whoever they want and fucking anyone they want without being penalized. This family member is receiving therapy and is a nice person, and they've come a LONG way bettering themselves and I am proud. But when I hear them say these things, I definitely do not feed into this conversation topic and usually steer conversation eventually elsewhere, but I'm walking on eggshells and remind myself why I keep a distance. 

I rather not exist than have massive power, so it's hard for me to relate to this toxic topic. My ex would just laugh and think it's funny when they hear my family member share these type of thoughts, and made me wonder if I'm just being too jaded/uptight for taking it so seriously, then I would remind myself my thoughts are valid and and that there's a reason why it's something that makes me feel uncomfortable, cuz I've been traumatized by this family member and my ex does not and does not need to understand to validate my feelings.

**Then today, I was reflecting on myself and wondered... have I had Narcissistic moments that I was too Narcissistic to notice myself? How do I identify it and distinguish it from when I am being confident, or going through a 'high-energy' moment/episode, or from trying not to let unrealistic negative thoughts spiral me down?**

Just curious about your personal experiences and perspectives on narcissistic moments and bpd!