I'm in my early 20s and going into my final year of college.  My entire life collapsed at the end of high school when the stress of final exams pushed me over the edge and I fell into a depressive spiral .  I spent 2 years in college and I dropped out because I was literally bedridden with depression. I was planning on getting help but covid prevented that , was on antidepressants for a while but they didn't do anything. Started a 3 year college course and I just passed the 2nd year so the first course I dropped out of was worthless. If I knew college was going online I potentially could have stuck with it.

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I feel like I have been in stasis for the last 5 years. I have gained nothing , No work experience  , no social experience , I feel like I haven't learned anything real from my 4 years in and out of college. If I was 16 again I would still be behind my peers. 

Whenever I think about getting my life on track its always about getting back what I lost first , I cant even start from 0 I'm starting from -10 

I was very fit and strong and I've gained about 30kg of fat and all my muscle has atrophied and I get winded in seconds.  I have no friends and haven't for about 5 years . literally the only person I talk to is my mother .I don't even play videogames , it feels like too much effort to play them anymore I just watch YouTube and anime. I feel like I've gotten dumber.

I was suicidal a few years ago but I'm past that now all I feel is apathy towards anything , my parents couldn't understand how I wasn't happy about passing but I haven't been happy in years , I'm either sad or neutral. 

I feel like the only thing that has kept me going is that while I was in school and college , even if I was bedridden if I passed my exams I was technically progressing in life.  If I manage to graduate let alone hold done a job I fear the suicidal thoughts will return. I've quit any summer job I've had early because I couldn't handle them

I just want to be able to call my mom one day and tell her I'm happy , and truly mean it .

I wanted to spend this summer working on my mental and physical health but its July and I haven't done anything.  I tried getting a job but I wasn't able to , truthfully I didn't really want one . I wanted to try getting a diagnosis for a possible mental disability as my old phycologist told me I might have ASD or ADHD.  I haven't made any progress on that either and its very difficult in my country , I have found a single doctor in my country that can diagnose adult ADHD 

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I don't know what I want by writing this but I guess I just wanted to scream into the void and maybe get some comments back