I'm about 6 weeks post breakup. And here are some things that I just want to vent. 

The first couple of weeks were horrific. I was so distrought my dreams of the future with you where shattered. I loved you so f*ing much. Heck I probably still do. I know I was manipulative I done a lot of bad things and I'm still learning some of those actions and exactly why I done it thanks to therapy, DBT and generally just self reflection. It hurts to see myself like that but I'm learning and I'm growing I guess that is one thing I can thank you for, but you did wrong too. 

Over the past couple weeks I have realised you tore me apart aswell. One of the reasons you gave me for breaking up was because you had lost who you where. I became a shell of myself too. I stopped doing sports/gym. I stopped going out to the cinema. I used to be a social butterfly, I loved going to the pub with friends but you didn't like going to the pub so we stopped. I loved going for walks in the countryside but whenever I asked to go you "couldn't be bothered". You couldn't be bothered to do anything with me. 

I know you think that I stopped you going out but this statement is far from the truth and it makes me so angry to know you think that way. 
I asked you every single week "when are you going to see your friends? Are you going to go to that club this week? You should contact so and so you've not spoken in a while! Of course you can go out you know I like having the house to myself!" F*ck you for thinking I was controlling! That was all in your own mind! So F*ck you! 

I used to LOVE dancing, but you ruined it for me. You made me feel nervous getting up there and dancing. I would always ask you to show me the dance moves to the Scottish dances but you never would and it would make me nervous when I didn't know them and everyone else did. Did you not think that I did want to join in but your sour face made me not in the mood to go up? Did you not think that all those times I asked you to show me was because I didn't want to make a fool of myself Infront of our friends and family? I was the life and soul of a party or dance (I loved being the centre of attention) but it was you that made me become so shy. 

I can be jelous, but j never used to be. I get that I loved you and wanted to marry you and that obv would change things but it was you that started the jelousy. I found texts  you sent to a girl "friend" saying that "you want my dick" with a winky face, you would hang out with girls that I had suspicions you fancied (you told me years later that you did in fact have a thing for her for a long time). No wonder I turned into a jelous b*itch. 

I always used to have a clean and tidy house whenever I was alone, even now from the moment you left the flat has been immaculate... Yet you would say to me your so messy! Well guess what it wasn't me, maybe my motivation slipped because of you! It was you that was the messy f*cker and you have the cheek to say it was me! 

You had a go at me because I was faithful and didn't act on my feelings. In fact when I had the crush it made me realise just how much I wanted to be with you, and now that we are finished you give me sh*t saying why didn't you tell me, we could have saved ourselves time and you could have been happy with this other person... Well I didn't say anything because I only saw my future with you!! Maybe you got angry with me after because you were the one that had been lying to me for months. You no longer had feelings for me yet you pushed for saving money for our wedding, it was you that pushed to book a venue. It was you that wanted to go on holiday. Why do all that, why make it more my fault that we failed our relationship when it was YOU that had doubts about how YOU felt?!? I knew exactly what I wanted so don't go blaming me for liking someone and thinking that was why it didn't work. 

It didn't work because you didn't love me for months, I could feel you slipping away, I could tell you where mentally leaving me, maybe that's why I couldn't finish whenever we had sex because I knew that's all it was from then on, it was sex, it was nothing more to you. 

I get I done wrong things too, I kicked you out, I was sometimes untruthful about my feelings or what I was really thinking but I never strung you along for months planning a wedding. I wanted to marry you, you didn't want to marry me. 

I made a fake tinder account because somehow I had this gut feeling you would be on there... 2 and a half weeks after you broke up with me you where looking for other girls how disrespectful of you after booking a wedding venue 4 or 5 months ago. Your true colours of being a d*ckhead has showed up. 

Yes I am f*cked in the head but clearly you are too!! 

And why do you keep dragging this whole process out?!? Why haven't you taken me off the shared account when I told you 3 weeks ago I had transferred the direct debits, why haven't you collected and sold our wedding rings? Why haven't you collected the last of your crap after I told you 3 days ago I had it all sorted. Stop stringing me along I get we are both hurting but I want it to be over and finished with now. Yeah I still love you and I know you haven't loved me for a while so please just get this all sorted and we can be done with our "shared life" 

You left me at my most vulnerable, my deepest fear of being abandoned and you built me up to think we would be together forever and left me when I was having multiple panic attacks, just had my diagnosis, just started therapy, yes I was an arse but f*ck me so we're you!