i'm kind of in the middle of a crisis so i'm sorry for venting and if this is nonsensical. i've been having episodes multiple times a day for the past few weeks like this. i start feeling so alone and unwanted i just can't do anything to stop myself from crying. some bad stuff happened between me and my old best friend like six months ago and it fucked me up so bad. the whole last four years have but that really felt like the last of it. i don't know who to even talk to about it because i should be over it by now.

my mom saw me crying yesterday and she's been asking to do stuff together which is nice but it's always just me helping her with stuff. neither of my parents care about my actual interests and they're the only people i have irl contact with now. and then she noticed i was upset again and told me to leave like she always does and it hit my self-esteem so much, like i went from being the good child to the bad one again. 

i feel like everything i do is bad. i don't deserve help. i can't talk to anyone about what went down for the last four years even with my friends who went through it too because i know it was so much. i've been having episodes in front of my boyfriend too and now he feels like he's making me upset and feel worse. and i feel so bad because i'm so much to put up with and so difficult. i keep thinking of things people have told me like "no one knows how to help you" and "you ruin everything" and "you like being sad" and i just feel like i shouldn't speak to anyone because i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to make them sad or guilty or feel bad for me. but it hurts so much feeling so so alone. sometimes it feels like i'm actually going to die which is so silly. 

sorry for this post, it just makes me feel a little better to put it out somewhere where no one knows me and i'm not hurting my friends by telling them all this. thank you for reading.