As a financially independent adult, my life is quite secure and stable. I'm in no immediate danger, I support my own needs and life is smooth sailing. However, my BPD won't accept the feeling of stability if I'm not the 'best'. As in I'm not the prettiest, the social queen, the richest etc. I think because I'm not the best and not 100% strength, there's weakness I have that could come out and ruin everything and sweep it all up from from under me in the blink of an eye. It'll be my fault because it was my weakness.

In a different context, I have a handful of good friendships. They're there for me and I'm there for them when it matters. However, I'm constantly assessing if I'm their no1 and if i'm not, I get mad and want to sabotage the relationship to show them what they did wrong. No one can tend to me all the time and I get that, but I still feel abandoned when their attention flows elsewhere. Despite them being there when I actually need them, I still feel resentment when they don't pay attention to me in certain moments and give it to others. This happens more with my popular friends. My popular friends always give me time and kindness when I really need it but they have other people. It's f*cking annoying because I know I'm being so irrational but I seriously can't help it.