Hey, so I kinda have a problem... more like a shit load of doubts and confusion about my mental health, I will do my best to express it and it would mean the world to me if only those who´ve been trough something like this or have an actual degree on mental health would comment. Thanks for reading tho

So, I've suffered depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts (I even went trough several attempts), for many years now. I was never treated propearly, and I got better basically out of selflove, rationalisation of my feelings and having a "day a time" type of attitude. Currently I don´t feel depressed anymore, I think actually I have a better control of my own emotions and I´m doing my best to learn how to be in the real world and having to socialise with other people. But francly I have a lot of troubles understanding what other people consider normal. I cannot behave in order and I don´t know why I´m so different from other people. All my life I have suffered from a lot of social rejection and bullying and even tho I have spent a huge amount of hours thinking about it I cannot see why. I'm a really nice person, I do my best to listen to other people, to be honest, empathetic and kind

I recently realised that theres stuff I do and years later people tell me about it and I can´t remember what I did, it doesn´t even sound to me like that´s me, the person who said or did that, and believe me it´s always stuff (like so big, so out of the ordinary) nobody would forget. And it has never been on a bad way tbh, like, I gave someone lifechanging advice and I have no clue where those words came from, or like I did something really spontaneous and funny at a party and literally everyone remembers it, but me

I can't see my face, and I don't mean like... sure I look at my self in the mirror and I see a face. But is not my face. It doesn't feel like that's me. I don't know what it looks like. I can't recognise myself in pictures. It´s really really hard for me to come to terms with the idea that that person it´s me. I am completely alienated from myself and my life in general. I cannot bring myself to live my life outside my head.

And my personality has like these two completely differents points, and I can't seem to find who I really am between those extremes, it´s like theres other people living inside me, ya feel me? Like, at one point of the day I'm in a full glam mood, doing my makeup and shit, and then hours later look at myself in the mirror and be completely numb and unable to feel what Im projecting, and I'm like "wtf that aint me", but the thing is, a couple hours ago, that was a perfect fit for me

I have a completely wrecked sleep schedual, my habits are completely different from those of everyone I know. I've been to psychiatrists and psychologists, and their treatments haven't been helpful, I've been looking to get diagnosed but it's really difficult... and well, basically I'm here trying to see if maybe someone can point me in the right direction, I know the internet it's not gonna give me the answer or a reliable diagnosis but, I need to know where exactly to start looking, right? Thanks a lot for reading all of it