Here's a big long email I wrote to me therapist just this morning about my job.

*Kristin, I cannot take this fucking job. I can’t. It takes every fucking ounce of my willpower to keep from getting up and walking the fuck out of here and never coming back. I cannot stand it here. It fills me with dread, constantly. If I’m not here, I’m dreading having to go back in. Even on the weekends, I can’t “enjoy” them, because I just always think about how it’s not going to last because I have to go back to this fucking hellhole. I’ve thought about lying to them about needing to quarantine for two weeks, just to not have to deal with it. The same exact thing would happen there as well, though. I’d just be dreading having to go back in, constantly. I should have just contented myself to doing manual labor. I don’t know why I thought I could do this job. I’m not smart enough to fucking do it, and I wasn’t even smart enough to realize that I’m too stupid to be able to. This was so fucking stupid for me to do.

I already know you want to tell me to sit down with my boss and talk to him and all that shit. All that’s going to do for me is have (more) documentation that I don’t feel I can do my job. Then, my boss is gonna sit down with me and talk about it, while giving me half-assed consolation about how I’m doing fine and other things I know are bullshit. Then I’m just gonna have to come back to my desk and be right back where I was, working on the same fucking stupid ass project I’ve been working on, on and off, for months now. I’ve hardly made any progress in the last like two weeks on it, where it’s been the only thing I’ve had to work on. From the vibes I’m getting from my boss, he’s expecting it to be done somewhere in the near future. I don’t see that happening. I don’t see me being able to finish this fucking thing at all. But I don’t dare mention that to him, because all it’s going to do is reinforce the fact that I’m a fucking idiot that they never should have hired to do this fucking job.

I’m about to lose my shit. Like, just overall. I have a lot of anger, hate, frustration, and a whole other concoction of negative emotions. They’re almost literally brewing, and I feel like they’re going to fucking burst out one of these days and I’m gonna do something drastic, and end up out of a job, and/or in jail. I feel like some stupid little event is gonna happen and I’m gonna overreact, like I always do. Except all my internalized hatred is going to come out and the end result probably wouldn’t be very pretty.

I’m both depressed and just wildly pissed off and I really want to express that anger physically.*