It's been 18 months since I totally broken down after a relationship fell apart and for the first time now I actually feel like I have a sense of calm in my life.

...

For the first time since that happened over a year and a half ago I feel like I can actually stop and hear myself think... I can actually stop and observe myself peacefully...

These past months have been absolute hell.

I've moved cities. Been to the hospital. Been to therapists. Quit my last job. About to quit this job. Burned through savings. Wasted money stupidly. Now I think I may sell my car.

It's hard for me to talk to my friends about the decisions I'm trying to make because there is so much emotional chaos hiding behind this veneer of a 'normal life' that is not apparent from the outside. But this chaos... this is what I am trying to deal with directly.

For example, I talked a lot last year about why I wanted to move away from my hometown. I talked a lot of shit. The real reason? I had to get away from that girl. Every time I saw her it was like I was thrown into this spiral that led straight back into hurting myself or wanting to kill myself. I literally felt like I had to leave to save my life. I had to eliminate the possibiltiy of seeing or hearing about it. I couldn't control it. Those emotions were absolutely crushing. One day I finally saw this clearly. Two months later I had left for good (of course, leaving in a furious rush one evening after she unexpectedly appeared in my life that day again).

How do you explain that to someone? How do you explain how helpless you feel against such emotions?

I'm not trying to complain... I don't want pity, I'm not begin a bitch... those emotions are beyond me. Seriously beyond me.

How do I explain now that the real reason that I want to sell my car is that I am literally terrified of getting a new job and by selling my car I can free up a lot of cash to continue living on my own and taking care of myself now? I am stressed out in unfamiliar circumstances, have a very fragile self-image, and I hate conditions where I have to take orders from somewhere else. Last time I got a new job? A decently paying research position last year, ha! I quit in less than a week! That's how unpredictable my emotions were in a new situation! I'm not interested in dealing with that again right now and have little confidence I can avoid it. I don't know how I will respond if I put myself in a new situation like that again. I don't like being such a disappointment. How do I explain this to someone else? To someone else the obvious answer is: 'Just get a job, steady income is definitely better and more secure. You can just work part time. Waiters make good money.'

The notion of working as a waiter fills me with... Terror.

I don't think the average person is filled with terror at the prospect of working as a waiter.

I guess the average person just 'gets a job.'

At any rate, the important point here is that I truly feel like I have finally reached a point of stability in my life where I can begin to start making positive progress forward and taking care of myself properly. THIS is the real reason why I am considered selling my car now. Because by doing that I literally buy myself time to begin rebuilding and reinventing myself into a stronger human being that can then move realistically into a better place and better life.

The last few years have been one disaster after another and I feel like I have just been thrown around, struggling to stay afloat, struggling to secure a place where I have a better foundation. I've literally just being trying to survive, waiting for a point where I feel like I have a more secure future and I can start building myself up again.

I feel like I'm emerging from a battlefield, and, fittingly, have scars from it. Indeed, I do have actual scars from it. This time was not good for me... I suffered a lot and took a lot of emotional damage. I was just enduring it and hoping for a better day someday. Now that it is here, now that I can relax... well it's not like that emotional damage just disappears. It will take a lot of deliberate and hard effort to allow it to heal and be replaced by more resiliency and strength. That requires a lot of focus and discipline on my part, which is why I want to sell my car and just sit still and focus on myself.

What choice results in a better long-term outcome from me right now?

I am living with friends. I have my own room. I should be able to pursue my hobbies again. I have begun to pursue a new career path that I am self-learning for and I am making progress with encourages and supports me emotionally. I really feel good about where I am at now. I have far away from any intimate relationships that have really fucked me up and I am OK with not being with anyone right now. I am OK and happy about working on myself.

All of the above have not been true until now.

This post is really just to say:

I'm doing a little better.
I'm happy about where my life is.
I'm optimistic about the near-term future of my life.
I'm still struggling communicating with my friends clearly about my decisions.
It's still hard to make decisions.
I'm still scared.
I'm still hurting a lot.
But I think I'm on a less painful side of hell now.
I hope I'm right.

Good luck everyone.

Thanks for always being here to listen.