Hi everyone,

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One month ago I finally found what my problem was mentally and even though I was making progress to fixing the problems I had before, now after randomly going around in my mind, trying to work out what was wring with me and reading online, thinking it was depersonalisation disorder, on making a big mistake in the early hours of the morning and wallowing in self pity, depression, anger and having someone to talk to who just talked to me, I started to read more and more and one evening after I did a random click onto an article into depersonalisation order and different types I came across Borderline personality order.

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I read this article so damn slowly to which more and more It was as if something was reading my mind and my past word for word, I literally felt sick in my stomach for that night and the next morning...then I just kept reading about it on and off then slowly the feeling went away

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Years ago I went to talking therapies and anger management and it helped putting my mind in the right place but, I found myself trying to hide my mental "scars" and when I shared, I over-shared or did in a very brash/abrupt way but that whole time I didn't know what the problem really was I thought it was just down to having a poor child, teenage and early adult life, to which it was but the core problem was revealed.

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Before I found out what BPD was and that I know its (for now) part of / an extension of me, I've been telling myself and actually doing things like:

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 \- "stop over thinking"

 \- "slow down your mind"

 \- "talk about stuff, just not too much"

 \- "you can say no"

 \- "you can be OK in your own silence"

 \- "work out who you are"

 \- "breath......just take a moment to breath"

 \- "Don't be so closed off"

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 \- "Don't lie"

and

 \- "if you have a plan, stick to it"

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A couple of days ago I broke the last two and I felt disgusted, however I stopped myself and didn't expand the lie and even stated that I didn't want to share anymore information, it still stinks that I did that and the plan that I have to follow is not mandatory however I felt real bad and sat down with myself and cam clean with a few people but not all as I need to find the right time or decide whether to follow through, either the choice is mine, however I'm proud that I didn't let it escalate and ruin the trust that people have in me, ultimately the lie was done to fear/being scared and I felt ashamed to say it.

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I needed to share this with all here because I've lost someone because of my poor behavior and I refuse to let this have a hold on me, I will be happy in my own skin, I will be happy to be around people and I will live in the 'grey' area.

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I've learnt that at the age I'm at now, people do care but they have their limits and can stop caring whenever they want, you need to let go of the past and people who I thought I loved but really it was infatuation and because you wanted to latch onto them because I was weak, understand I'm scared of making mistakes, I'm scared of people seeing I'm not who they think I am, its OK to not know who you are yet and tell people that you are working on it, LAUGH! - laugh, Jesus just laugh, laugh at yourself let someone tease you and accept it and right the wrongs you made.

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The most significant steps I've made is is calling every single person or meeting them face to face and whole heartily apologise for causing them problems/conflict between me and them and actually mean it, some let me know that they're not interested, some said nothing, some said its ok but we can have a mutal relationship some just straight cursed me out and........I took it

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I'm going to keep updating this post from time to time (the goal is each end of month) with my situations, thoughts, feeling and how I dealt with them in a calm and positive way, I know some will require quick thinking while being delicate, however I will handle them all in a positive way.

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Selfishly I'm doing this for me as want/need to be positive person in this world and not have to wear a mask anymore (it's exhausting) and actually just relax my mind (and chest!) things like porn will stop as well as this doesn't help and I will join groups to just meet up and learn useful things and put myself in a position where I need to interaction with people genuinely and be selfless.

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Ultimately my goals are:

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 \- Live in the 'grey area'

 \- Not lie

 \- Not 'wear a mask'

 \- Not overthink

and

\- Be a leader (for people to look up to, however the last seems to selfish so I may remove this one from one of the goals if it shows me that I'm being that keep my BPD traits)

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Straight up, I'm jealous and sad of how I people interact with each other 'normally' and I'm going to make every effort to get my mind, emotions and thought under control, not overthink and actually following through my plans (positive ones) to the end, I know what's wrong and how to go about fixing it, the steps I'm taking are working (granted I trip a little, however I forgive myself and move forward).

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I will do this, its not a passing phase, I've felt the dips in emotion and I've fought damn hard to tell myself

"Its ok, fuck it, yes you made a mistake, but why?"

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and in my mind walked myself through it, forgave myself and reset my mind to a point the shame, self-pity hags around maybe for a couple of hours.

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I need to state clearly to all of you, I do not want or need to have this extension of me any longer, I will control this and I will remove it from me permanently.

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Don't wish me luck just tell me to:

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 \- Get it together

 \- Don't use any excuses for not making progress

 \- Ask me painful questions (I use this technique when I make mistakes so I its gets my head in gear and moves me forward in a positive way)

 \- Remind me to think for myself

 \- It's OK to say no

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I will do this, see you end of the month, 31/03/2019.