As a child I would cut myself. Did it till I was 17. Abused opiates at 15 until recently. I'm straight yet I made out with a female friend of mine, I didn't care of the consequences, I just needed to not be me anymore. My new thing is touching myself since its like anything, just another way of feeling different. I used to send pictures of myself (consensually, I'm 19 so it's legal). But that isn't working anymore. 

Yesterday I got upset. Before the emotion even took root it was gone. I felt nothing, it's a emotion I can only describe as uneasy numbness because I know the emotion will return. I still feel it, I just can't get it out from below the layer. The flip in my mind switched and I texted my online friend he was a cunt because I was upset at something over him. Eventually it passed and I felt a tinge of regret below the surface. During this thoughts of suicide and sex, drugs and self harm seem the most important, intoxicating, even sexy next step. 

I apologised. Meant it when I did. Gave him space, I know it was mean and wrong. 

The flip has switched. And my body feels cold even though my whole body is covered in clothes. In 20 minutes I'll feel so cold I'll need blankets and another pair of socks. In 30 minutes it'll begin to pass.

Taking a little too much of acetaminophen to get the opiate high is dangerous but at this moment it seems the only thing I want. The thing I'd fight anyone, even the person I love the most, my sister.

I separate myself to bpd. My bpd side is my responsibility. My decisions are mine, and the ramifications are mine to experience. Yet I still say it's not me. The toxic jealousy, the rage and anxiety, the impulsiveness and most of all the need to self destruct isn't a part of me. The 19 year old girl who volunteers, who plays games and reading and is doing a degree in engineering. But when the flip switches I don't care. I'll spend ridiculous amounts of money, hurt myself, tell everyone to go fuck themselves even when a part of me is whispering I'm ruining my life, I'm killing myself. 

I can't get therapy. Been refused it. Dbt isn't common here. So no help. Gotta do it alone. But I'm scared to change. I feel codependent  with my bpd side. It's the only thing that never leaves me. 

Weird huh.