Honestly I'm really scared to post this but I can't feel much worse than I already do. I haven't been professionally diagnosed with BPD but looking over the symptoms I do meet the minimum requirements. 

I just feel like I can't live this way anymore and I don't see any solutions other than to torture myself slowly until I die. I truly hate myself and believe I deserve to suffer. The last time I felt this strongly about it was 7 years ago when I was 14; I was pretty effective at torturing myself then, but it landed me in the hospital for nearly a month. I don't want to be hospitalized yet again; I've already been twice this past year for suicide attempts. I just want some way, any way, of controlling my uncontrollable guilt, shame, and self-loathing. I'm in so much mental pain it's unbearable. I've been severely depressed with no break for the past sixteen months. I had a codependent friendship wish another person with bipolar and I was getting all my self worth from that, and now it's dissolving and I can't deal with it at all. If any person is excluding or rejecting me I feel like everyone is and I hate myself and feel like I deserve to die. The thing is I don't particularly want to die, it's just what I know I deserve. These problems were exacerbated because I already felt spectacularly shitty but my med side effects were killing me so I halved both of them and now I feel like I'm in literal hell. Everything negative anyone says that could slightly pertain to me I take 100% personally and think I deserve to die. I've made a plan of the best way to torture myself for the next few weeks, including self-starvation, lack of fun activities, lack of water, traditional forms of self-injury, etc. I realize that if I put as much energy into trying to love myself as I do hating myself maybe I'd get somewhere, but it feels completely contrary to my nature, a million times harder, and infinitely more useless with such limited results. Yeah I am seeing a therapist but I don't know how much it's helping; I was seeing the same person for most of these 7 years but we had a conflict and I stopped seeing her. My therapist is ok but I don't know that he takes me seriously. Like I recently cut very deeply on my inner wrist and the doctor at urgent care acknowledged that it was very dangerous, but my therapist was like "eh, it's just self-injury." He doesn't seem to take it seriously when I have a lot of suicidal thoughts or have even attempted suicide either. I'm thinking maybe he doesn't want to give me the "satisfaction" or it or something?? But I don't really thrive off that anyway. He also just doesn't seem to take my emotions in general to be as intense as they really are, which I know it's hard to explain but still. Anyway, as I previously stated I'm also on medication but it has never worked super well, the antidepressant does nothing for my depression, and the side effects (mainly extreme tiredness and weight gain) suck. So yeah...I'm planning to attempt to enact stage 1 of self-suffering tomorrow if all goes well. Who knows, I may not last very long at all, but I just need to do something, anything. I recently tried DBT group therapy but the therapist there was seriously horrible. I feel like I ran out of options a while ago and I can't see my pdoc until December 11 at least. 