Background: I've been diagnosed as BPD for a couple years now. My current roommate (its just us two) knew about my BPD prior to moving in together and was fairly supportive. He wasn't a picture perfect citizen and had some drug problems but for the most part he was a reliable friend and we both deeply confided in each other. I've shared things about my past that i've never told anyone else.

One night a couple months ago he was heavily drunk..which he used to do often..and was in my room attempting to talk to me while i was already in bed due to having class the next morning. Suddenly in his drunk state he decides that I need to undergo an "exercise" that would help me "get over BPD" .. in his mind i know he was thinking he was helping. He was drunk and stupid, and had kind of a "face your fears attitude"

Well bottom line is he ended up getting on top of me while i was in my bed. Panic arose and i started struggling and kicking his stomach and begging him to get off. When he continued to hold me down I naturally started crying and in all honesty..flipping the fuck out. I finally managed to get him off of me and run to my bathroom.. i wasn't quick enough with the door and he managed to slip in. At this point he assumed i was going to cut due to me being in such a hyper emotional state (cutting brings me down and levels my head..i tend to dissociate when left extremely emotional and the cutting usually ends up being less unhealthy than anything i do when dissociating). Anyways, at this point i'm sitting on the floor crouched in the corner against the tub/shower. He again gets on top of me and pins my wrists. At this point i've pretty much dissociated completely and instead of crying am telling him to "go ahead, break my wrists" in a scary calm that comes when i dissociate. His drunk mind takes this as a sign that what he's doing is working, as i have "calmed down" in his eyes. I have to say at this point he had to have been close to doing some real damage because i have never felt so much pain. it wasn't until he was leaning in and his face was close to mine that the panic of being pinned again kicked in and i managed to kick him hard in the stomach. i stood and ran towards the hallway door where he caught my arm. this time the panic had turned to anger and i somehow managed to get my hand around his neck and pin him this time. I stood there staring at his face choking him genuinely intending on killing him. And then again just like that i snapped out of it and everything that had just happened felt like a dream. He kind of just backed off and left the room, which i then locked.

Honestly the next day the thing that scared me the most was myself. The point of snapping out of my dissociation and seeing myself choking him..I have never ever ever done anything violent to anyone ever. I cried for days, not over what he had done but because of what i was capable of doing. I never told anyone because I knew I'd have to move and can't afford to move to be quite honest. It's a 500 dollar fee just to have someone else take my place..not to mention fees for moving into somewhere else.

The confusing part of it all is that I have such mixed emotions about the whole thing. Some days, it doesn't bother me at all and i'm actually pretty proud at how i defended myself for once..and other days i can't leave my bed because i feel broken and attacked. Nothing even happened except him pinning me down, its not like i was sexually attacked so i feel stupid even dwelling on it still. I'm just so up and down about the whole thing that i don't really know what the best way for me to heal from it is. Usually i just need to talk things out..but with my feelings towards it flip flopping every day i don't even know what i would say.

I'm lost mostly.