Don’t get me wrong I know I’m solidly in the friend zone and apart of me doesn’t mind I guess, my crush is a beautiful smart funny and gets hit on by everyone,honestly I have no clue why she even wastes her time talking to me, I’m very much not smart funny and I’m sure as hell not attractive,don’t get me wrong I love her and I love the fact that I’m in her life and that she cares about me.However im also not naive I know it’s only a matter of time before she finally gets with someone and when she does she’ll be cool with me for a minute then eventually I’ll be forgotten.Not her fault and I won’t blame her.But when that happens I just hope it’s the final push I’ve been needing to finally end this hell I’ve been living in for at least the last 6 years of my so called life,I’m so tired of being sad.Hell this morning she told me about hanging out with some of her guy friends and drinking,she then told me that her night was wild and she made some mistakes.Dude the anxiety I felt for that hour or so waiting to hear what the mistake was was so unbearable.I was so ready for her to mention about some casual hook up she had,I’ve had bad panic attacks but that was among the worst.I legit felt like I was having my heart choked if that makes sense.Everytkme i was drifting back to sleep I would remind myself of what she said then boom heart choking feeling returns.Luckily it was nothing but imagine if it was I might’ve had a heart attack lol,here’s the thing I know I’m eventually going to get that snap or text and I’m hoping it’ll finally kill the last bit of hope I have in life.You know I just turned 21 and it’s crazy to think that my best days are already behind me but it is what it is,my life is already over whether I’m alive or not