And I'm not feeling anything. I wish I was using, I'm heavily frustrated. I only stopped using because I ran out of prescription pills and I've been forcing myself to be busy instead of refilling my stash.

I'm not feeling any joy, peace or happiness at all. Even though I'm back to eating 3 meals a day and going to an actual gym, hanging out with my favorite people, and getting a short-term stable job. I'll be back in the same spot  I was before in a couple of months when my job contract expires. I would have saved a decent amount of money and I'll drink it away and spend it or drugs, maybe I'll OD again a couple of times and end up hospitalized or in jail again. If I'm lucky I'll just OD and have a painless death.

 I hate this life, can't break the cycle. Can acknowledge the cycle. Can see and understand the cycle. Can't break it.

I'm not a newcomer to sobriety, I've been clean before. I've read the stupid blue book lots of times. I've been to countles 12 step meetings and I can safely say anonymous programs aren't for me. I just happen to hate life and when I'm high and drunk there's no hate. There might be depression and crying but no hate or rage.