Hi all, 

My mom has BPD but refuses to admit it or seek any help. She and my dad have tried couple’s therapy many times but each time the therapist gave her tips on what she could improve, she “fired” then. My childhood memories are mostly filled with emotional and often physical abuse at the hands of my mother. This extended to my father and brother but my dad and I got the brunt of it. I am older and living on my own now which means I don’t see my mom as often. I find we have a decent time when we get together now but it all seems very superficial and like we are both walking on eggshells around each other. She speaks to me like I’m an acquaintance and doesn’t seem to know things about me that have been facts for my whole life (things I like, things I’ve done, etc.). She has also been telling my younger sibling things that aren’t true to make him hate our dad (tells him that my dad was never around for the first few years of his life.. I was old enough to have clear memories of this time and my dad has been the most present and loving parent all along). 

Over the years it was very easy to demonize my mom as abusive and to avoid her for much of my adult life but I’m also realizing BPD is quite literally a disorder and no one would choose to have it. With that in mind I try to be as patient and loving as I can lately, because she won’t be around forever. It just becomes hard sometimes as she says downright nasty things (I.e. a friend’s mom who was bipolar committed suicide and my mom said “you guys think I’m bad! At least I’m not like that loony who offed herself!”) that make me not want to be associated with her. She rages at servers in restaurants who are doing their best in this pandemic. And of course I have decades’ worth of memories of her attacking my appearance and personality and telling me I’d end up a prostitute living on the streets one day.

I guess what I’m asking is for some of you living with BPD to share what your experience is like and give me some insight on whether my mom ever actually means to be cruel. I know she definitely struggles with issues around feeling abandoned, for example every time I hang out with my dad I have to hide it or she will rage at all of us.. and I don’t want to contribute to her feeling alone and abandoned but I also want there to be boundaries regarding things that should be normal.

If you’ve made it this far thank you. I’m sorry if anything I’ve said came off as insensitive or rude. I’m just still grappling with all of this in a weird way.