every single one. every single partner i poured my heart out to, gave everything to, loved harder than i could ever love myself. they're all in devoted, happy relationships. i was never good enough for them. too crazy. too unstable. too stubborn. i understand why they left and found someone better.   

i half woke up this morning thinking about every person i've ever loved and how they've left me. i thought about their new partners, and how they probably talk about how toxic i was. they probably thank god i'm gone from their lives.   

i've attempted suicide twice before and obviously failed both times. i wish i had a gun.    

to top off my bad mood, i have covid right now. i can't go anywhere. food tastes like nothing. when my symptoms clear i'm gonna treat myself to a week of buying, eating, drinking, smoking, and snorting anything i want. then i'm gonna get high and jump off a building.   

don't tell me to get sober, find a therapist, go to coda or slaa. i've already tried those things.