I'd like to share a story first, then we'll get into the question. TL;DR at the end.

As a young boy, I was sexually exploited for my father's pleasure. One day, around 5 years of age, something went terribly awry and I hurt father in one of our "games." Father retaliated with more physical and emotional brutality than my young mind could handle and pinned all the blame on me, threatening me into silence. With a shattered heart, I internalized all the shame, guilt, fear, pain and repressed all memories of the occurrence and of all of the events leading up to it. After a day to a week, I became consciously aware again with no memory of the majority of my life (When I woke up, it felt as if I was becoming conscious for the first time. All memories previously had vanished).

Years pass and I grew up to become a very broken person. My life gradually fell apart after high school with PTSD, BPD, MDD, Anorexia, substance abuse, etc.. I had a lot of trouble with interpersonal relationships because I was so afraid of hurting anyone again, that I inadvertently found it easier to seclude myself and stay alone. Then, about a year ago, my father and my relationship had been unraveling for awhile (I wasn't quite aware how emotionally abusive he was being to me, because I was confused about what was acceptable in a relationship and he didn't believe in boundaries), when he had enough of my "insolence" and kicked me from the house. Since then, I've been able to make the connection that father has been a main source for my trauma for all my life. 

It was after making this connection I was able to start working through the traumas of my past and childhood. After utilizing many avenues for healing, I connected the dots and realized I was sexually abused as a child. I still have no concrete evidence to this, the memories are still repressed, but I intuitively know something happened considering my sexual symptoms, how being around men cause anxiety, and how my life has been.

So, finally, my question. How can I radically forgive my father for hurting me so maybe I can move on with my life? I feel very stuck. I'm making so much progress, but progress is slow and I am impatient. I don't feel comfortable around people, have been unable to work, and life's been a real struggle. I feel like if I can forgive him, then I can maybe clear away some of these bad emotions that I feel stuck dealing with. Maybe I can then remove this unwarranted, overwhelming shame I feel on a daily basis. 

I wish he would just confess, because I've already processed as much of the trauma that I can, and I've already virtually forgiven him (or at least that's what I tell myself). I feel if he would come clean, then I'd be able to stop feeling so afraid of messing up any little thing and being punished because of it. I'm so afraid of being punished again, I feel I can barely move forward. If I could convince the broken parts of me that it wasn't my fault, then maybe I could heal more fluidly. 

If you've read this far, you're awesome. Thanks for reading my ranty post. I guess I needed to express myself. The holidays were stressful AF and I'm still not fully recovered from it. Any advice you have would be much appreciated. Life is hard enough as is, it's harder when I literally can't feel comfortable trusting anyone. 

TL;DR: Sexually abused as child results in repressed memories. I'm working on overcoming this, yet don't know how to forgive someone who refuses to apologize, or perhaps I'm doing this wrong and should focus more on healing myself than our relationship. Advice would be great. &lt;3 