Sorry for what will probably be a very long post, i just need somewhere to say absolutely everything that’s bothering me. Really don’t know what to do anymore.


Firstly, i’m from the uk and in year 11, and my gcses literally start next monday. I’m so stressed over them and feeling like im gonna fail them even tho on my mocks i got two 5s, a 6, two 7s, an 8 and a 9 which are all pretty good grades. But i feel like in the actual exam im gonna do really bad, even tho my gcse german speaking test i was so much more anxious for and i did surprisingly really well for that, even with no sleep the entire night before bc i was so stressed. I try to revise but it makes me so stressed and I never actually do it properly, and it’s so frustrating because i honestly want to do well.

Second, I’m really socially awkward and hate going to school because everyone is so judgmental. Like I have a friend group but only talk to like 2 or 3 of them and literally don’t see anyone outside of school. My english teacher also makes it way worse because she always asks me questions and always words them weird and i panic and have no idea what to say, last time she literally asked me “why does the writer use the word firstly” and i tried to say bc it’s at the start and she instantly told me i was wrong and shouted at me for apparently not listening, everyone was staring at me and tbh almost cried infront of everyone. 

There’s also my stepdad, who imo is probably abusive even tho it’s not like he hits me everyday , it’s like a few times over weeks/months and its not the physical pain of it it’s like mentally it affects me i guess. One time he was arguing with my (13 year old) brother and i heard all the shouting at went downstairs and saw him kicking him into the corner, my mum tried to stop him and he ended up pushing her on the floor so I said what are u doing stop  and then he looked like into my eyes almost and like its kinda blurry but he said something (dont know what) then sort of just ran at me and i backed up into the kitchen and he grabbed my neck and pushed me to the wall and strangled me and said i don’t fucking tell him what to do. Didn’t really affect me at the time (this was last year) but since that smaller stuff happened like breaking things, pushing, shouting but then a few weeks ago the worst thing he did happened. I got home from school, didn’t know he was in the kitchen either, and he instantly started shouting at me and said why do u have ur shoes on inside (no one ever got mad about shoes before, i always take them off in my room so ik where they are) and i was already having a shit day and said to him in a slightly pissed off voice “because i forgot” and he said what passive aggressively and started getting closer to me and i moved back then he got in my face and starts pushing and grabbing me, then poured the coffee he just made all over me, then tried to push me down the stairs (my room is the basement) and said go in ur room u little dick. i didn’t even hit back or stop him i just let it happen which i sort of blame myself for but it triggered all the stuff hes done before to like get in my head again and i dislike him so so so much, i’m so uncomfortable around him and it’s so awkward, i can’t even talk to my mum when she’s in the same room as him. I think a lot of my anxiety ( not diagnosed but i think i might have it idk tho) comes from him and like my mum defends him always and says how good he is and how he does so much for this family, and the only time i feel less anxious at home is when he does night shifts at work every week, usually for 3-4 days and in the day sleeps at his mums house when he’s working. There’s a lot more i could say about him but it’s all similar to this and this post is already really long.

I also can’t report him for abuse or anything because everyone would hate me and we would probably have no house, because since he moved in 4 years ago, he’s rly wanted us to move house, so much that we have a smaller house that’s rlly far away from anything and even has mould :/, the house is in his and my mums name but like he paid the deposit for the house. 

Honestly, never felt worse in my life than i have for the last few months. Crying for hours multiple nights per week, not sleeping, not eating or stress eating constantly, always feeling sick / anxious especially at school, feel like it’s only gonna get worse at college in september too. idk what i want from posting this but thank u for reading so much