Hey guys, so I’m obviously really new to this sub as well given the title of my post. I don’t know a lot of the technical terms so you’ll have to excuse me. 

Some back story I guess: I’m 27f who was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 9 and have also since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I struggle with trauma from a physically and emotionally abusive childhood with absentee parents. I also am believed to have PMDD (severe form of PMS). I feel like I had tried everything from different depression and anxiety meds and even different birth control to manage my symptoms. It felt/feels like nothing is working. I was recently talking to an old friend while I was going through an episode, and she mentioned how she dissociates. I said idk if I have but I remember a time in my childhood when I told my friend (not the same friend) that I can’t tell the difference between dreams and reality sometimes. So naturally I googled that feeling to see if there was a name for that to explain to my friend that I was talking to, and instead came across google results for BPD. I read, and discovered myself unfortunately.

Current treatment: I’m on Effexor and Buspar for depression and anxiety. I brought up BPD to my psychiatrist and he suggested lithium. I just lost a bunch of weight from my other antidepressants and putting in work to do it so I asked him if I could try Topamax (sp?) instead and am still waiting on a response. 

Current crisis: My (now ex I guess?) boyfriend of 2 years was the one who motivated me to move out of my toxic and abusive household. My trauma started coming to light and my symptoms were really interfering with work. He offered to help me, at least financially, during these difficult times. To save words, long story short is that he promised multiple times to be there for me and has just abandoned me each time. Monday he came over and we reconciled and he was so good with me and told me he would be there for me. I had a small episode the following day and I thought we had gotten through it but I guess not because he never texted me again. It’s almost been a week now. 

I live in Southern California and have a job offer but they drug test and medical marijuana has been the only thing to help me through this on my own since I have no family anymore and minimal friends. I’m just feeling really screwed and completely defeated. I don’t know what I’m looking for with this post but thank you for reading.