For the record, I do want to say that I love my family very much and I'm grateful that they provided so much for me. But then again, their parenting wasn't perfect. 

Sure I experienced a lot of in-family drama which looking back seemed so meaningless that all it resulted in was tears and trauma. But I digress.

As a kid, I was very spoiled in terms of materialism. My family never said no to any toy or video game or knick-knack I asked for. At worst, they would delay it due to understandable reasons and then eventually get it for me. I was doing well academically too. So they were happy about it too.

It's only looking back now that I kinda realized how truly deprived I was of one very important thing: Freedom. 

They never let me cross on my own till I was 14 and only let me go to the cinema on my own when I was 15. I was very deprived emotionally speaking. I couldn't form connections with people as easily.

A lot of simple things that others took for granted had a much bigger impact for me. I hugged a guy friend for the first time when I was 16 and a lady-friend for the first time when I was 17. I was never allowed to stay over a friend's place until I was 21. I had to argue a lot to finally let them give in. I never got to see a concert with my friends in the adjacent city and my parents never planned a single vacation with me which they themselves sabotaged a lot.

I got a bit more freedom after that since I went abroad for further studies.

What I mean to say is, if it were that they couldn't afford these comforts, I'd have been understanding of it. For sure. But the fact that they could, but simply chose not to because they wanted to constantly monitor me bugs me so much. And it didn't help that I was an only child too.

You could say I could just make up for it now. But now what's the point? All my friends are grown up and busy with their own lives and now I've no one to share some nice experiences with. 

I'm also soooorta emotionally strained with my parents because of this. They struggle to connect with me and I them.

I feel like I was robbed of so many years of my childhood. I never learned from my mistakes because I was never given an opportunity to make mistakes. And I'm bitter about it. The only real friend I feel like I have is a fucking computer screen.

And a part of me is desperate to try to relive my lost years and try to make things right but I fear that it's too late for me now. I missed out on so much. Will I never get to fill the multiple gaps left open in my yesteryears?