I really can't bring myself to go to school. When I can somehow surpass all the anxiety and fear, I get very anxious and cry during the classes, sometimes even sobbing. I do wear a hat because I don't like looking at people (it makes me feel more comfortable to don't look), so no one ever notices which is fine. I do not have a dad but I do have an emotionally abusive mother. My family wants me to force myself to do things that make me feel miserable, as if it were easy. However, they've always had someone to love them. I never had anyone to love and support me besides myself. My boyfriend (We've been together for 3 years) has his problems and can't really be the most supportive person due to depression, but he helped me a lot. Even though, I almost could not deal with the stress of having to live with my mother without going to school, and school just makes it so, so much worse. I see no point in going. I tried to make an effort, I swear I tried. The bad parr isn't learning, I get things pretty quick and don't usually need to study for some subjects. It's just... I can't. It's too much stress and pressure, specially since my aunt is paying for me. When I said yes when she asked me if I wanted to go, I didn't knew it was going to be this hard. I've lost all my will to do anything but to stay in my room and sleep. Sometimes I don't eat for a day and usually just leave to go to the bathroom. I can't do this anymore, but I know she will just be mad at me and yell at me. So will my mother.
I can't take having to maintain myself emotionally stable all alone, study, homework, talk to people (I have a real big problem, my body will just freeze), hear my family screaming at me, have to deal with remembering all my past everyday, having to see my abuser everyday, having her screaming at me, being harsh for no reason, discounting her rage on me, and I have no time to do anything I actually enjoy because I'm always tired and sleeping and after some days I didn't have the will to get out of bed.
And... I've been thinking about killing myself. Not consciously, the thought would just come to my head and I can't stop thinking about it.
My family won't scream anymore, and won't have to bother with wasting money on me since I'll be dead anyway. I won't have to hear anyone screaming at me. No one in my family loves me.
"Just do it" it's what they say. They just want me to force myself to do things. And going to a psychologist doesn't work for me, I've tried for a year and got nowhere.
I'm tired of feeling afraid, anxious and bad every single day. I just want to cry and sob in my bed. I've finally found will to try to do something that will make me less miserable, but now I'm too afraid of my mother and school to get out of bed, I just want to hide under the blanket from the world. Things would be easier if I killed myself. I don't remember ever waking up happy in my life. I don't remember ever feeling loved. I don't remember ever having someone to tell me "it's alright". I'm never enough. I can't stand it anymore. I'd really rather die than go back to school or to hear everyone screaming at me. It's at a point that I don't even know what I live for. Only my boyfriend will miss me. No one will even care. I'm not strong enough to deal with all of this alone. I've been thinking about killing myself where no one could find me.
And I know I shouldn't be thinking about it. But the pain is just not worthy. What am I living for? I need help. I shouldn't be thinking about this. I'm still young and I don't really wanna die. I just want the pain to stop.