There's so many things happening in my life and most of them are supposed to be good things. I got accepted to and am currently going to one of the best universities in the country. I'm living on my own for the first time-- which gives me freedom to be fully myself, out-and-proud (I'm a nonbinary lesbian). I have the opportunity to finally go on hrt. I started therapy for the first time after a long, long time of desperately needing it. These are good things, I think.

But I'm also fully away from family. I am away from my girlfriend (who is visiting next week for my 24th birthday, and who will be trying to move here in March). I am forced to be a disabled person on my own without help, in a place that was definitely not made for it.

I miss my family. I miss my dog. I miss my girlfriend. I miss walking. I haven't walked since September of 2019 (I'm an amputee and my residual limb caught an injury that took me out of my prosthetic, and some subsequent injuries happened as a result of not walking such as pressure sores, so I'm in a cycle of being unable to walk). I'm gaining a lot of weight. My gender dysphoria has gotten much, much worse to the point I can't even enjoy private time with myself anymore. I feel like I have no time for recreation or relaxation, and honestly, with all the travelling I have to do for school every day, I don't have time for schoolwork either.

I'm trying to focus on all the positive things in my life right now. I like that I'm surrounded by nature and the ocean. I like that I'm seeing species of birds I've never seen before. I like that I get to learn about things I'm passionate about. I like that I can introduce myself as my chosen name rather than my dead one, and that the culture here lends itself to people asking for pronouns. It is nice that my university insurance allows me to get therapy and other things for free, when my previous insurance did not. It's nice that I can eat homemade-quality meals at the dining halls at no labor of my own (other than getting there). I like that in a week I will see my girlfriend and we can share a bed again and that we will go to the zoo for my birthday. 

But it's not really enough. I'm so exhausted, I'm in so much pain, and the darker thoughts I've always had are louder than ever. I can admire the shape of a red-tailed hawk or a blue heron as they take flight all day, but it doesn't make the unending series of hamster wheels in my brain stop spinning loudly about all the ways I could hurt myself or worse. I've started blasting my favorite music on my phone when I'm traveling and I'm out because it drowns out the hamster wheels enough to where I can breathe. But they aren't silenced. I keep thinking about how I feel like my girlfriend wants to leave me (and I wouldn't blame them-- I've abandoned them in a state so far away, haven't I? And I wasn't meeting their needs to begin with). I keep thinking about how I'm not cut out for this (the campus isn't wheelchair accessible, leaving me exhausted and sucking up valuable hours, and I don't have enough brain power to shower or do my readings or write my papers). I keep thinking how, if I can't handle this part, how am I supposed to handle a job, one day? How am I supposed to be a real adult?

I keep going because I feel like I have no other choice. If I don't go to university, having this shitty broken body that forces me to use my brain to get by, I can't make a living, and I'll stay poor until I'm homeless and starving and die. I wish they had a daycare for people like me. An old folks home for people in their 20s that wouldn't put my family in debt, that I could just stay in until I was strong enough to walk again and clear enough of mind to fight again. I'm just a jellyfish trapped in a current and I just know there's a bubblering along the current somewhere that's going to slingshot my ass into hell.