I am 21 Female 
I have been working on self bettering since April of 2021. Happy new year by the way. 
Little background, grew up in a military family, my dad is high ranking as a contractor. My mom, who grew up in the lower class in a very poor age of South Korea, was a local when he met her. She was miserable before they had me, she wanted to leave him but she got pregnant and swore to stay with him for 9 years before she left him. Sure enough, she lived up to it and left him when I was 9. 

I understand no one can change me except for me. For the last almost year I have been going to to the gym and trying my absolute best to better myself. Listening to motivational videos, taking care of myself hygiene wise, cutting out toxic people in my life. Cutting out alcohol and drugs. (Marijuana. Nothing else) 
I understand I had it a lot better than most of the people to have ever existed. Yet I feel so hopeless, I had a full education, graduated high school, gave up on online college. I wish I was more humbled and I wish I was more grateful. Today I quit my promise to myself to quit nicotine. I’ve never been able to picture myself really going through with suicide, but the older I get, the more I can realistically see myself killing myself. Getting really dark I know. 
Just want someone to understand what I am going through which I’m sure there are many of you that can. 
I wish I was grateful for what I have, but I focus on first world problems and I am filled with anxiety and now I am depressed. I have always struggled with self loathing and being so hard on myself. My dad taught me from a young age that it is useless to cry and to “suck it up.” 
God there’s so many things I wish I didn’t think of that I think of on a daily basis. Some of you will tell me to get help, some of you will nurture me and tell me it is OK to feel the way I do. Regardless, I am hopeless. I have worked so hard to grow and mature, yet I feel as if I am back at square one. I want to live a happy and fulfilled life, but I am so sick of my mind.
Don’t need advice, just need to vent to the depressed world of Reddit. I hope y’all are having a good 2022 so far. 
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.