I don’t think I have ever met a human being in my life that I have been closer to than my best friend. We have been close since highschool and we’ve done so much together. I don’t think he fits into the criteria of an FP as I don’t really depend on him for much these days and I don’t feel that our relationship is codependent in any way, but I do say with all seriousness that I have never felt a bond this strong with anyone in my life and it seems like we are on the same page on his end of that too. This anxiety I’m feeling was further amplified when we made a commitment to spend our lives together in a non romantic way (like life partners) and ever since this has been established I cannot get that fear of abandonment out of my head. I was fine before. I’m afraid that once I commit to this, if it ends, I will lose everything. I haven’t expressed these fears in depth with him because I try my hardest to recognize when I’m spiraling and I’m trying to avoid giving him any kind of indication that I may be splitting because I fear that I will say things I don’t mean to him but I also feel like I have no one to go to for guidance on this because I don’t know anyone else with borderline. In the past I’ve watched him seriously betray people he claimed to love (like ex girlfriends) and I know that our relationship dynamic is different but sometimes I take anything he says with a grain of salt because of the things I’ve seen him do and say and I also recognize that he has grown a lot too and I think he has changed, but I can’t shake the fear that he will betray me too. I also don’t know how to feel about the entire thing too because sometimes our friendship does feel romantic and I have no idea what kind of boundaries to set to avoid either of us getting hurt. I feel like I’ve gotten myself into a giant mess that’s going to get me hurt in the end but I’m also scared that maybe I am overthinking this and obsessing over this imagined pain that hasn’t even happened yet. I don’t know if I am hyper-vigilant from witnessing his past behaviors or if I have a valid reason to be afraid right now. I recognize that I am not his girlfriend, but I feel like the commitment we made is almost bigger than a romantic relationship, and the lines that would describe our relationship have been severely blurred. He says he does not want to date me, which is a good idea on both ends and I’m okay with that, but I can’t help but feel like sometimes we basically are. It basically looks like we are and everyone thinks that we are but he claims to have no romantic feelings for me despite all of his behaviors. (If I went into detail of how he treats me this would be a 5-6 page essay lol) We discussed this a little and came to the conclusion that we had different ideas of intimacy and while my ideas of intimacy seemed to line up with the average persons idea of intimacy, he said that he did not realize he was being intimate and basically said he was just the most comfortable with me, doing things that he thought would make me happy because he loves me, and he said he assumed we would be best friends for life and never leave each other’s sides. (This is a shortened version of what he said) This has confused me even further, I feel myself spiraling, and I think I just need an outside perspective too because I’m doubting my own thoughts recently too. This is the words not matching actions thing but the opposite of what that usually means. The actions are there and the words are not. I love him with all of my heart, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m confused and scared beyond belief at this point. I feel like I can’t think this through without the BPD and paranoia and abandonment issues fogging my judgement. I also have no idea what to do about my dating life now either because I don’t want to meet someone only to go “sorry I’m living my life out with my best friend”. I’m also scared of being replaced if he finds someone he does love romantically but he told me he could never replace me. He did a good job reassuring me on that one but I still can’t shake the fear. I wish I could take space too but I can’t because we work together. 

My brain hurts from thinking so much and the only perspective I have from someone with BPD is my own. I suspect he may be just as confused as I am too though. Also I am trying to be as vague as I can for anonymity’s sake. I don’t care if he sees this but I doubt he wants all of the details of our relationship on the internet and I’m trying to word things carefully, so I’m sorry in advance if this just seems like a jumbled mess.