I'm neither very shy nor very nervous in a social setting. I'm an introvert at heart, but at high school I often seem the opposite. People laugh at my jokes, people will talk to me occasionally, and I have a friend group. I will freely admit I am more fortunate than many of the people here. 

I've realized this only recently, but I am the loneliest person I know. My friend group, composed of about 4 other people, is incredibly introverted. When I've been around them they barely joke, barely socialize with others. They are generally well-liked, as I am as well. I've been sad for a while, but I've kept faith that they're in the same boat as I am.

It turns out, they aren't. They've accrued far more friends than I've ever had, people they never told me they knew. They kept secrets from me, kept an entire section of their lives hidden. Despite being less outgoing, they have become infinitely more popular than I have. This wouldn't mean anything to me, popularity is worth shit to me, and yet I'm learning I have nothing, not even friends who communicate to me. I thought I had something serviceable, but I don't. The loneliness has crushed in on me. I've been diagnosed with depression for years now, but things have just gotten worse. 

It's because I realize now that people have a strange sense of revulsion about me. No one wants to engage me in conversation, however much I want them to, however much they laugh at what I say. I've become a joke to them. I'm agonizingly sad and yet no one has the heart to truly talk to me. Even my friends ignore me and keep secrets from me.

For instance, I've just been told that one of my best friends has been dating for months the girl I've had a crush on for years. They broke up anyway, and yet... I'd talked to her quite a serviceable bit, I thought I had a future, someone that I could talk to. I don't. It's hopeless now, any attention I was given was vaudeville, she too is repelled by me, the one person I thought who could understand me. I learned from that friend of mine who kept this secret for months when I thought I could have some hope, something to look forward to in my monotonous life, that she had a habit of cutting herself. I feel connected somehow to her sadness. I've started just today cutting myself, little by little.

It has never been so bad as now. I realize no one talks to me or cares for me, and even my few friends keep secrets they tell to each other but not to me. No one trusts me, for whatever reason, and no one is willing to engage with me.

I am entirely alone, and I am the loneliest person I've ever met. I try always to get out of it, but like Sisyphus my attempts are always futile and I live for another unfulfilling day. I see nothing to look forward to, and I can only see myself whiling away through highschool alone, waiting for an equally empty future. What is wrong with me, what repels people from me, what can I do, is there a way to get out of this shit?