I'm involved in group therapy and one of the therapists running the session is the therapist I have individual appointments with. I was talking to her about my troubles socializing and how incapable I feel I am at it (given that I only have a single friend if even that at the moment), and she said that she doesn't see that at all. She sees that, on the contrary, I often "drive" the group discussions. She doesn't get the impression that I'm socially awkward or anything. 

I wanted to tell her that I think the reason she doesn't see me the way I describe myself is that the group sessions and the individual therapy sessions have straightforward "rules of engagement". In group therapy, they ask us questions and give us prompts to think about and we answer. And it's about stuff that I think about incessantly (i.e. my problems) and so I know exactly what to say. 

In individual therapy, I just let it all out. We talk about the problems I'm facing and things we can do about it. It's an easy and straightforward set of rules: just say what's on your mind. It helps that it's a low risk social engagement, as well. She's not going to stop talking to me if I say something weird, she's my therapist. But a random stranger might not care to talk to me anymore. 

I worked a job at a restaurant that required a lot of social engagement with customers. I was hired, actually, on the basis that I was friendly and smiley during my interview. But there, again, the rules of engagement are straightforward: just smile and be nice. What passes as social engagement with customers is really straightforward: just smile big and be enthusiastic, ask them about their day, maybe make a comment about something happening that day. I wasn't good at conversations any more complex than that, even on the job. 

I've spent a lot of my life just sitting online and debating people. It's really been my major source of non-work/school/family related contact with other people. Which is just awful, there's nothing less friendly than online debates. But it felt easy, much easier than talking to people in real life. Again, because the rules of engagement are straightforward: there's a topic to be debated, and you debate. I had my own set of rules for how I should format my arguments and conduct myself during the debate, and the content of the discussion would always be things that I already spent time thinking about. So, again, it was straightforward. 

But talking to people, just casually, just for fun, without a "script", without these simple rules for how to engage in discussion with the other person, I crumble. I trip over my words, I can feel my armpits start sweating (tmi, sorry), I freeze and run out of things to say, I start saying weird things just to avoid awkward silence, and I'm just visibly uncomfortable. I feel judged, I feel like I can be rejected by this person and that hurts (I can't be socially rejected by my therapist or a customer or a online debater). 

Anyone else feel this way? It's really gotten in the way of my having anything resembling a social life. I want it to stop. If anyone's recovered from a problem like this, I would seriously appreciate hearing how you did it.