To be honest, this is just some overview. I have BPD. Im 20 and I am kind of in and out of school. I have only ever been with one girl, we dated for about a year and a half, she is the only person I have ever kissed or anything, but before I got diagnosed, I had a really bad stint and it was just too much for her. I kind of lost my shit and in the following months had two suicide attempts. Since then things are basically nuetral, I don't know how else to describe it, I don't like feeling like this and yet all I feel like is that I am simply going through the motions, wasting away time, waiting for something to happen. I constantly miss this girl, we still talk about getting together, but after everything that happened we both aren't ready yet and it kills me. I want to be with her so badly, I want to get things back on track, I want to be able to find myself in the process, but I am so scared of life and all of its different fassets. Honestly all I do is work and read and play video games and watch netflix. I don't know how to have friends because everyone scares me and people all kind of suck anyways. I just feel like I am an actor playing a role I was given, I feel like I am watching my life from afar, I feel like I can't possibly do this anymore. I have no want to do this without her because I feel like I will never be able to find myself and get all of this shit out of my life and it kills me. Everyday I break down and cut myself just to feel something, I have no idea how to be happy or satisfied or content. I don't want to live life like this, I am trying but things come and go and never stop I just feel like I am caught in a downward spiral, never really reaching the bottom, but always descending further and continuously losing more of who I am each and everyday. Does anyone else feel like this, I don't know what to do anymore.