Hi guys, 

I need some advice as I just don’t feel right.

I’ve been newly diagnosed with BPD so I’m not sure if I’m being rational or just overthinking/analysing or if it’s just my fault. 

Im (24) F And he is (30) M. We are really close friends and sometimes we engage in fwb behaviour even though (no penetrative sex as I am a virgin) I’ve told him I no longer want to do anything with him (because I feel guilty due to religious reasons and it’s blurring the lines as he wants to be with me and I don’t due to differences). I’ve tried to keep it strictly as friends with him but it always ends up with me and him doing stuff even though I don’t entirely feel comfortable with it because the guilt always kicks in after. However, I do it just to please him I guess but for the past 2 weeks I’ve told him I no longer want to engage in any sexual acts as I’m beginning to feel immense guilt that is effecting my mental health. He then said he respected it since he isn’t ‘like those other guys’  but today when I saw him at his house he asked for something because he was so ‘horny’ and I said no then he goes but ‘why blah blah’ and said ‘ i don’t want to I told you my stance before, I can change my mind you know’ and then he said ‘one minute we’re in a relationship the next we’re fwb’ and I was confused since I did make it clear to him two weeks prior we will just be FRIENDS and nothing more and we can meet outside more often instead of his house if it’s so hard for him. Following on from that I felt reluctant and decided to do what he wanted and I told him this is coercion and he started laughing and said ‘stop making me feel bad ‘ but clearly he didn’t feel bad enough as he let me carry on. After that it took a while and I told him I was tired of doing what he asked me to do and he didn’t take that as a cue I wanted to stop because when I did initially say no he was kind of frustrated and I kind of felt bad and scared he would never speak to me again so I felt like it was a duty of mine,in that moment and doing what he wanted me to do he ended up making me do things I felt uncomfortable with and I just felt like I couldn’t get out of it because ‘it was too late’ I don’t know this isn’t even the first time it’s like the third time but I’m not sure I’m really confused. 

After that I went to the toilet to breath and I became withdrawn to be honest. I wanted to get out of his house because I felt like he showed me I can’t trust him and he’s willing to be selfish and think about his own needs only and not the negative emotional consequences this would cause for me. He asked for a cuddle after that and I declined, then he asked me what was wrong and I told him I told you I feel guilty all the time and you still asked for something I didn’t want to do... he replied with  ‘ you didn’t have to do it’. And I said I no but I don’t know sigh.. it’s my fault I shouldn’t of went to his house and I should of seen it coming. I feel disgusting and ashamed of myself, I’ve been crying none stop. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse and trauma. 

Let me know what you guys think.