       I realize I should probably go to therapy about this, which I will, but as you can see I'm desperate for any helpful advice. When I was 9 (I'm 24 now) my mom left with no goodbye, no anything—she just left. Though not for good, I didn't see her again for about a year, or a year and a half. She had to leave in this nature because my father wasn't granting her a divorce, and she felt somewhat physically threatened by him. I understand why things happened the way they did, I don't harbor any resentment for my father or my mother with what happened, but I very much believe this incident is affecting my current romantic relationship now. Or should I say, more specifically, the way I feel about myself, within myself, etc.to have fear towards my current relationship. 

       It's only because my current relationship (of 5 years) is going so damn well it made me terrified beyond belief, and I did some things because of this trauma that pushed my girlfriend away. A form of self-sabotage; not feeling good enough, being afraid of being abandoned, afraid I couldn't resolve my issues in time to retain it, needing external validation etc. This is the only girlfriend I've ever felt a connection with to such an extent to let my guard down to allow her fully in, and I gave myself fully to her. I was going to purpose to her at the end of the month, but I had to tell her the truth about what I had done.

       Don't get me wrong, I'm taking full accountability for this, but even though me and my girlfriend are now separated, the way we ended things seemed hopeful. She realizes none of my actions were personal towards her, though the actions make it so one can't help but take them personally. I've betrayed her. But I'm respecting her and I told her to not contact me until she feels like she's healed from this, and I'll let her know if I've healed. Before we left I promised myself to her, and told her she didn't have to do the same. This relationship is worth protecting, but I can't be a partner to anyone until I've resolved these issues within myself (at least enough to live healthily).

       Lastly, I've never treated her poorly, and she's never treated me poorly. This is truly a fantastic relationship, I always tried to question myself and other people about that because I didn't want to be in denial of anything. It's going to be a long journey back but I love her, I love what we have, and I love myself. I'm not giving up. I both want and need to get better.