Trigger warning: SA, eating disorder

Support is really appreciated. 

I have finally gathered the courage to open up and tell somebody what I'm dealing with. English is not my first language and this will probably be a long post so please bear with me.

I'm a 26F, I was in therapy a few years ago and got diagnosed with anxious-depressive disorder. I'd rather not go in details of my past, but I've always been an anxious person. I can't remember the time when I was relaxed and happy and not worried about anything. But somehow I managed to get a few occasional jobs in the past and currently I'm on my way to getting master's degree. 

My mom is very anxious too and dad was pretty explosive and aggresive when I was a child (but things improved drastically). Now when I'm older I can understand why my parents are the way they are. As I child I've never fitted in, I was never a popular kid, I never had a lot of friends (now I have only one). I've felt like I don't fit in my family for my whole life either. My younger sister was always a golden child, because she was never like me - problematic and depressed child/teen with anger outbursts.

Now, after a few years, I'm finally starting to understand that I was a victim of SA too but I still don't believe it fully because I was in a relationship with this person. I'm also dealing with undiagnosed bulimia since 2014. I've moved in with my boyfriend a year ago. He lives on the other side of the country so I'm far away from my family, pets and my friend. 

It has gotten to a point I don't see a purpose anymore. Everything is too hard for me. I don't have a job right now (but I'm looking for it) so I'm broke (luckily my boyfriend has a job). I'm suffering internally because of everything that's going on this world - animals and people suffering, wars, everything is getting more expensive, epidemic, etc. Every single thing hurts me and I'm sad because of it or crying. I'm scared of my family dying (especially my parents because they are getting older and they both have health issues). I'm also feeling guilty because I haven't seen my grandparents since 2020. In fact, I'm feeling guilty about everything. Literally everyhing so I'll stop here.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like a robot whose engine is running constantly and it can't be turned off. My thoughts don't **ever** stop. They are constantly buzzing and jumping from one thing to another. That's probably the reason why I can't stay concentrated and do one thing from the start do the end. I'm always jumping from one thing to another. It's very tiring. I'm also very indecisive and I can't make myself to do things that are (probably) good for me, for example make myself healthy breakfast, workout or take a walk. I physically can't bring myself to do these things. But on the other hand there are times when I get these random bursts of energy and I feel like everything will be alright. I can't handle this anymore, I really can't.

My anxious thoughts are crippling me. I plan and organise things (I love planning, organising and cleaning things) but I never do it because I just can't. Because of ''what if''/''there is this thing you need to do first, probably''/''you can't do it, because'' or if I start doing something I get thoughts about random things that worry me. 

Sadly I can't go to the therapy rn because I don't have a job. I can't make sense about my situation or what should I do anymore. I think I've given up. I just needed to get this out of my chest, although I could still write about it. If you've read my post I'd like to congratulate and thank you. 

I hope you're having a lovely day.