I've recently started 200mg a day of Lamotrigine. Before I was on 100mg a day. I also take Pregablin 450mg a day, Quitiapin 150mg a day and also have Diazepam 5mgs when I need them. I think my psychiatrist is going to swap the Quitiapin for Zopiclone as when I had that before it worked better, and to be honest I would rather that as I am not a big fan of the Quitiapin. I am on so many medications and I am still suffering quite a lot. At the moment I am grumpy and angry and that is my main problem when it comes to my mood swings along with anxiety and impulsive and reckless behaviour. The increase of the Lamotrigine has made me so tired and have a killer headache. I just want to find the right combination of medications and get back to living my life. 

I obviously would rather be 'normal' and not be on any medications. To be honest, I long for that deeply. It kills me that I am the way I am. I hate being the way I am and that makes me hate myself deeply. I have had some bad thoughts recently. All just ideas and fantasies about self harm and suicide really. My self hatred goes so deep along with my hatred for my life and the way it has turned out for me. 

I hope things change, but I don't believe that they will. 

And that hurts. Everything hurts and I want to stop hurting. 