I look around and see other people and they have their life together. They knew why they went to school they knew why they wanted to become a doctor or some shit. And when someone asked me what I wanted to do with my my life I would just kinda smile and laugh a bit and say that I didnt really know. Ofc I did know. I knew that I wanted to kill my self after I finished school. I knew that the only thing I didnt want to do was work. I knew that I wasnt gonna be alive for it to matter. But here I am still alive and I am lost. I still want to kill my self but I would rather not. I wished I would have had a goal in mind when I was in school because I want a reason to keep on going. I dont want to die but I can find any good reasons to keep on living. I cant find any reason for my self. The only reason I have is that It would break my mom. But what type of reason is that. What type of life is that. Only being alive for others not really have a reason to be a live. I need to find a reason for me to stay alive. A reason for me to enjoy life. A reason for me to not kill my self. I have yet to find such a reason and I am getting closer and closer to actually killing my self. 
I know I am not alone in this and someone reading this might even be in the exact same place. I am mostly here to vent. I havent told anyone anything of this before and it felt good to write it down.