I've been struggling with a really bad depressive episode that came on real hard and fast.

I don't think I have had one this bad since sometime last year but this time, I'm still functioning- I go to work, I take care of my hygiene, I care for my animals and my partner and I even push myself to maintain the house.

I've been in different kinds of therapy for almost five years, and I'm finally on a medication that works for me. It doesn't completely stomp the episodes out- but it makes them more muted although I cycled through quicker (every couple of weeks).

I didn't even feel this one coming on until it hit me.

I just woke up last week and I felt so deep in my misery, it was physically painful how I was suddenly so devastated for no reason at all! I felt like my guts where crying out in pain, just like everything in the depths of myself was suddenly in so much pain it was unbearable! It's heavy and suffocating!

I've been so tired recently, and I struggle to get things done. I'm exhausted after I do one household chore- often not to completion and I'm physically struggling at my job as well. My job is quite physical and I had to take regular breaks during my last shift because I felt so bone tired for no reason.

Even my coworker confronted me about my health because despite my upbeat attitude, apparently my misery still showed despite how well I can usually hide it. She asked if I was taking breaks and I thought she meant like- lunch breaks, but she clarified she meant life breaks. She gave me a gentle talking to and told me she could tell I was the same as her- where I don't stop until I can't keep going- and told me I needed to talk to our manager to take some time.

I assured her I didn't need to because I was just going to sort it out over my next days off- but this morning- I just couldn't do it anymore.

My managers are worried, they checked in on me everytime I took 5 and asked if they could do anything for me- I just assured them I was just a bit under the weather.

My boyfriend pushed me to take the day off and even call off some plans we had for tonight so I could take care of myself because he knows how bad it's getting.

I was so depressed and angry yesterday, I cried so easily and mostly out of frustration- I had no energy to do anything, not even my hobbies which I LOVE! They don't bring me joy, and I hate everything I create-- I'm struggling to eat as well because food has no flavour and forcing myself to chew is exhausting.

I have OCD on top of bipolar and it's acting up real bad.

I'm suicidal, but I don't have a plan. I just desperately want this pain to end and I know it will, but its just so physically painful and I want to scream in frustration.

I'd try and trigger hypomania but I already struggle to keep my eyes open because of how constantly fatigued I am.

I want to hurt myself just to relieve myself of this sudden anguish I'm feeling but I'm not going to.

I'm not going to do anything my illness presses me to do because I don't want that- I know this will pass and I'll be okay-- I just feel so useless because I can't keep going.

Now I've taken a sick day and I feel like I'm just stuck existing for nothing at all right now- while I'm inconveniencing everyone else because something went wrong and I'm struggling to function.

I haven't taken a break in a long time and I guess everything came crashing down yesterday and I had to call in today all "I'm so sorry to do this, but I'm going through something right now and I think my body has reached its limit. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience and I wanna let you know I'm taking steps over my days off to get myself in order", which my manager was super receptive and understanding to while encouraging me to take rest.

I just feel so bad, they're all so concerned about me and checking in on me while I feel so tired and useless- I HATE calling in sick- especially for mental illness because I have a bias that applies exclusively to myself that I CAN overcome it- but I know I'm at my limit.

I feel like the only kind of relief I get is when my boyfriend comes home, he feels like a fuzzy blanket that's been sunned and just having him next to me eases my pain so much- I just want to be around him all the time- even if we don't do anything or speak to eachother- just having him in the same room as me is so incredibly soothing.

Sorry this is all so janked up, I'm so tired and I'm having trouble focusing so I keep losing track of what I'm thinking.

I think I'll bring in some snacks to work and apologize to my managers for my absence- I don't know if I should tell them what's going on- I don't want to- I don't like my workplaces knowing I'm Bipolar because I've been discriminated against and gosipped about.

I think I'll take my boyfriend to dinner and thank him after this  is all over.

I wonder at what point I should go to a hospital.