TW: Suicide attempts

I have been against pharmaceuticals pretty much my whole life. There is a lot of trauma surrounding them with some of my addict family members and past suicide attempts. But last night I realized I’m in the middle of yet another psychotic dissociative episode. Haven’t eaten in two days and I have slept a total of maybe 20 hours in the last week. 

Usually when it gets like this within a week or so I will probably end up in the hospital because I attempt suicide just to try to make everything stop. It’s not even that I want to die I just want all the suffering to stop. But I realized that pharmaceuticals could help me because I could take a magic pill and be able to calm down so I don’t have to go that far.

I’m terrified to go back. I don’t want to end up back in a mental hospital but my social worker reassured me that she is 1000000% backing me on this and that she saw the pain that I feel. She will do anything in her power to make sure that I don’t have to go back to the hospital again. 

This is only my second time meeting her in person because the quarantine didn’t allow us to meet and she was only recently introduced to my mental health team. But she is so wonderful and I am so grateful to have her in my life. 

She is kicking ass to try and get my subsidy approved too so I can get out of my shitty apartment. If things work out I will get to go live in a small community where I can have my pets, do my laundry on site and there’s a gym!!!!! 

Moving there also means that I’ll be able to save money so I can finally get the hell out of the state that has been the place where I have suffered so much pain and torture. 

The dreams of me moving to Florida are finally starting to slightly actually be in my grasp. (I’m sobbing now typing this) I could finally finally be free from all the demons that have been haunting me for the last 23 years of my life. It’s taken decades but there’s finally somebody in my life sticking up for me and wants to help me. 

This is my message to all of you that goddamn it there’s fucking hope.