apologies if the grammar isn't perfect usually I'm better about it. everytime I'm sad I wonder if it could get any worse.  I guess it always can. It's funny, I was supposed to be something, I was smartest here, best at that, most likely to do this, but it never felt real. I've had these mental illnesses since I was a kid that just keep getting louder and now I've found myself at the edge of my balcony again just ashamed of what I've become. I wonder if my dead friends would be proud of me, "hey at least you made it this far". I miss them a lot. If I die I hurt everyone I've ever loved, and those that are left to still love me. If I don't I'm caught on this balcony again night after night, afraid to face the fact that I am a failure and no amount of help could fix that. It got so bad I thought youtube would be my only way out to make something of my life, but I couldn't even commit to that, it's funny cause I was pretty good at it but I don't think any of that matters anymore. I hope no one here ever has to experience having truly no one. I don't think I'll die tonight, but I say that everytime. I don't even want death, it would just confirm that I'm a failure, but hey at least you got a 45 second break from everything to read this. Maybe I was good for something after all.