Alright this is gonna sound whack but my FB is still my ex. I know... I know. Our relationship was a roller coaster that lasted 3 years because I suffer from BPD and he has bad anxiety with ADHD. Lemme tell ya we were both so toxic to each other at times but this was the only person I felt connected to in a higher level of consciousness... well fast forward we break up blah blah blah and I have a boyfriend. 

It’s been a year and my FP moved to Colorado with his new gf. Me and him had on and off contact but for the last couple of months I hadn’t heard anything from him. I contacted him any way possible but no luck until he finally answered my emails. I was so ecstatic to finally talk to him but I felt that he was withdrawn... Honestly idk what I expected. 

He has finally moved on completely from me. I have to respect that... I should respect that but when he told me that he would die for her, I felt nauseous and had the worst panic attack in over a year... I hyperventilated and cried and had to hold my hands over my ears putting pressure into my head to squeeze it... my head rushed with intrusive thoughts of suicide and self harm, self destructions. My world was over. This was in the early morning when my bf went to work. My mom was able to hug me tight and breathe with me which grounded me. My dogs comforted me as I whimpered... god it was uncontrollable and I honestly couldn’t see any good anymore as if I never had any happy in my life. Lord the spiral was BAD. I finally put on a song that had been in my head for days. I am still currently playing on repeat because it’s soothing... After taking a fat nap I finally feel collected but I feel so wrong and disgusted for reacting that way... 

idk i guess i’m disconnected rn or dissociated but idk anymore... this was the only thing I could think of doing that might bring me peace? I am glad someone out there understands...