A brief summary:  My (28F) ex (25M) and I were deeply in love for the last 9 months. I don’t know how it happened. I hated him when I first met him years ago, but I was in a weird mental state when we started hanging out (my mom had commit suicide a couple of weeks before we hung out.) Somehow, I fell in love with him. We moved VERY quickly. I realize now we both have personality disorders because after a few months, we started fighting a lot. I broke up with him so many times because the fights got so bad. We were both codependent, and I started to feel like I was being taken for granted. He has an anxious attachment type whereas I have avoidant, and so the struggles began. I endured a lot of verbal abuse and then I started fighting back. It got really bad. Every time I broke up with him, though, he would beg for me to go back, and I did. Except for this last time, he finally just has taken his space and let me be... which has been exactly what I needed. I wish I had known more about BPD and how I am wired to be a failure in relationships. I wish I didn’t break up with him in anger... I am still confused sometimes about whether or not I should just forget this whole toxic situation and move on or hope that we can be together again someday.  I still love him so much. 

I was ruminating on myself and felt compelled to send this email:

« Dear ______,

What I put you through was horrible. It’s worse that it’s taken me so long to realize how you were happy with me at one point, and I destroyed all of it. You have every right to be angry at me, to never want to see me again. 

I kicked you out of our house, I took away your friends, I almost destroyed your entire life because I was angry. I can barely imagine the pain I caused you because I was so focused on my own, and I was selfish. 

I’m realizing that I do have borderline personality and am working on it now that I have insight. I am a textbook borderline person, and once again, I am so sorry. I am ashamed and filled with guilt. I am disgusted with myself and not seeing how much destruction I caused. 

I wish I could take it back. I wish I could have been better, different, more compassionate, more understanding, less difficult. 

I am so sorry for what I did to you, and the shame and recognition of how fucked up I was to you, whom I loved so much, will be my motivation ro be better in the future. 

I see now that you desperately tried to understand me, to save the relationship.  I was unaware that I’ve been programmed to be a sinking ship in relationships. My brain has been wired to believe in the worst, and therefore, see the worst. I am grateful that I can recognize this now fully and begin to remedy myself somehow to be better, to take my time, to be aware and conscious of how sensitive and delusional I can be. 

I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. All of it. I know it’s so much, and it really was just me. I don’t want to be that person ever again. I want to thank you a million times for your efforts, to say over and over again: I am truly sorry. »

I’m worried that I am going to come off as manipulative or hoovering, but I genuinely do want to apologize and let him know I recognize my own faults. Is it a bad idea to send this email? The problem in the past is I’ve been compulsive based off my emotions. I worry this is just to make myself feel better or another impulse based off emotion... 

I truly want to be better. I’ve been seeing my therapist for two years now, but if it weren’t for this relationship, I would have never been able to realize these flaws within me as far as relationships go. I truly want to change. I plan to ask my therapist to work with me on this. I want to love myself better so I can be a better partner someday.