Trigger warning I guess for suicide/self harm

Me and my boyfriend got in a fight this morning over something so stupid, I’m almost too embarrassed to tell y’all. I was really sick (like nauseous and coughing) this morning and obviously in a lot of pain, I kept calling out for him to come help me but I guess he was half asleep and not really paying attention so of course, the anger started brewing. “He doesn’t care about me” etc. 

Then just about everything that could go wrong this morning went wrong: I was trying to get ready for class and I couldn’t find ANY of the shit I needed. Idk if any of y’all get like that but I get so unbelievably frustrated when I can’t find stuff especially if I just used it the day before. So I was pretty pissed. I asked him to help me look for some stuff and he just seemed generally uninterested in helping me (I realize now that he was just tired because we had both just woken up).

So this progresses to a full on screaming match in the car on the way to class, which ends with me storming out with tears in my eyes and walking into class late. Super embarrassing. And then I can’t pay attention to class because I’m on iMessage texting my bf the whole time.

He picks me up after class is over and the fight basically picks up where we left off, but this time it got really bad. By the time we got home I was bawling my eyes out and he was yelling at me and telling me how difficult I am to deal with all the time. 

I know I need to work on my reactions to things and that I can be a LOT to deal with but hearing that from him just flipped some kind of switch in me or something. I locked myself in the bedroom and just kept thinking about how it would be so easy to just disappear. To just stop living. It scared the shit out of me and still does. The last time I attempted suicide was when I was 15 (I’m 23 now) and ever since then I️ haven’t gotten close, but I do still have suicidal ideation every now and then.

I know I wouldn’t do it just because I’m really averse to physical pain and gore, but I know this isn’t healthy or good for me. I’m starting to think my relationship is too toxic for me to handle. We ended up making up about an hour ago but I still feel like he’ll never truly *get it*. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying to get in with a therapist for a couple of weeks now and none of them have returned my calls. I’m so stressed out by school these days that I feel like any kind of extra stress will devastate me. I feel like I’m never gonna have the chance to be truly happy and content with my life.

The most frustrating thing about bpd is knowing that your feelings are irrational and not being able to do anything about it. It is infuriating.

Idk why I’m posting, I don’t really need advice I just needed to get this out and I guess see if anyone has ever been in a similar situation.