Hi all, I'm new here. Although I had heard of BPD a long time ago and actually thought I might have it about 10 years ago, I was only officially diagnosed less than two weeks ago after a stay in a psychiatric facility. Since then I have been trying to come to terms with it but I can't really get my head around it or figure out how I really fit into it. A little background:

Originally my family and I thought I might have bi-polar as my symptoms follow the same pattern every year from June until mid-Sept and I go through highs and lows and also end up in psychosis. Every year around June it's like a switch goes in my head and I stop being able to sleep, then I start questioning the point of life, then the suicidal ideation starts, I start getting panic attacks, being very emotional at home, then the paranoia and delusions start, and then I need to be medicated to even basically cope. I also stop being able to leave the house and only feel safe at home. This pattern has been very apparent for the past 4 years but it has been happening in one way or another since I was at least 20 (I'm 28 now) but was never really documented by medical professionals until 4 years ago as I moved around a lot before then. During the rest of the year I cope pretty well, but that is thanks to private therapy for the past 2 and a half years.

Originally, back when I was 20, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I accepted that. During my assessment by psych, I originally resisted the diagnosis of BPD. Over a few days I did some basic research of symptoms and causes and came to terms with the fact that it does actually explain some of my behaviors and since then I have been trying to educate myself and lean into the diagnosis as I very much want to learn to cope and thrive despite the diagnosis.

I am on a waiting list for DBT but it could take up to 6 months before I get started. In the meantime, I'm trying to get my life back to some semblance of normality by trying to learn all I can online. My biggest problem is that the more I research the more hopeless I feel. All I read is that BPD is akin to getting the worst mental health diagnosis as its hard to treat, extremely stigmatized, and is basically code for 'difficult person'. I find that really hard to deal with as I have worked really hard on myself through therapy and I don't consider myself a difficult person all year round, just during these Summer spirals.

Other reasons I don't feel I fit BPD is because I am in a stable relationship for 5 years and got engaged in the last year. I have maintained long friendships and have good relationships with people. I haven't self-harmed or attempted suicide in 12 years (although I do binge-eat a lot and have trouble with erratic spending when I'm on a high). I don't lash out at people or act out, instead I tend to internalize my pain and use it to beat myself up. I don't really fear people abandoning me, in fact sometimes I wish all the people that loved me would just abandon me so they wouldn't have to go through trying to help me. I do however feel incredibly isolated and alone despite the support I have, and I have always felt inherently broken at my core. I feel like this diagnosis confirms that in some way.

I have tried reading articles online, listening to podcasts, different websites, but I can't seem to find anything that seeks to help someone understand BPD in an unbiased/non-judgmental way. The only thing I have found helpful is this sub! I would be really grateful if anyone could point me in the direction of good material that is helpful in understanding BPD as I am desperate to relate to something at the moment and ease this isolation. Any input is appreciated.

TL;DR: Diagnosed two weeks ago, don't feel I fit the diagnosis in a lot of ways, feeling isolated and looking for good sources of information to better understand my diagnosis.