What would happened if I just stopped showing up to stuff. 
 Or if I turned to the bottle to deal with my sins like my father did. 

What my future is gonna hold and if it's worth it to push to my physical goals, because I hate living in this fear of ending up like my mom when her MS was as bad as it was and she got urosepsis. 

There's a bottle of alcohol in my fridge right now. I hurt. My entire body and soul hurts with this undescribable pain. 

 I want it. I know better than to go drink it. 
But sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I just turned to drinking instead of reaching for help. Or letting myself be forced to get help wat back when.