Today I went with my mom to help her pick a tree. We were waiting for a hayride to head to the farm, and my mom pointed at a family of four who were all wearing santa hats and taking pictures. She whispered and sneered, "Look at them - so stupid, gag!" It's no secret in our family that my mom is bitter about the cards she was dealt, i.e., my dad not sticking around. I don't blame her, but I felt uncomfortable. 

And my mom drawing attention to them - their laughter and joy, how the dad was super caring with his kids - also made me feel very upset. I felt depressed thinking that I was alone with my mom, that my dad and I had never done that together, that I no longer spend the holidays with once beloved relatives who are now too self-involved to care, that I was once as happy as those kids and I never can be again. 

Regrettably, things got worse when the dad made a comment to me about how I tore the styrofoam cup I was drinking cider out of. 'Hey, you broke your roadie [?]!' he said. He was smiling, but I was awkward and made a strange kind of grimace and laughed weakly. I said, 'uh, yeah...' and hurried off. 

Long story short: I ended up crying because I felt bad about seeming like an antisocial asshole to a seemingly nice person, about feeling alone at Christmas and knowing it will never have the same joy it did when I was a child. The holidays have been shaping up to be terrible this year...I just want it to be Jan 1. 