I've been with my amazingly patient boyfriend for almost two years now, but I still have a lot of trouble "trusting" the relationship. One of my biggest fears is that my boyfriend will not be able to handle the worst of my bpd symptoms, which I try to keep under control. 

I shared my bpd diagnosis with him recently because I wanted to recommend a book written for partners, friends, and family of people with bpd (Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder). Ever since, I have been crazy worried that he's going to realize he is in way over his head, and decide I'm not worth the trouble. 

This is becoming a self-fulfilling type problem because, according to my boyfriend, I am sending "mixed messages," and I don't disagree with him. The messages he hears from me are: "I love you and want to be in this relationship with you" and "read this book and see how horrible I am (so you can leave)." He feels like I have been passively asking him to leave (which is not my intention).

I don't know why I am doing this, and I am trying to stop. My best guess is I'm trying to "protect myself," so if(/when?) he leaves, I won't be caught off guard. I do not know how to articulate this better... it makes sense in my head. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience.



