I’m having a bit of an episode. I hung out with some “friends” and I felt that I was being judged and laughed at the entire time. 

It sucks because I try to face my fears. At the beginning I was feeling so much anxiety and I kept telling myself I was safe and to calm down…but I wasn’t safe clearly.

So I isolate from fear of rejection. 

Another episode happened on Christmas Day where I went to visit my family and had to leave because I felt unsafe and judged and targeted. I literally just sat down and someone immediately had something to say.

It’s like no matter what I do, I keep being made to feel bad or embarrassed about who I am and I hate it. I can give myself all the social anxiety pep talks, tell myself to be confident, but it doesn’t matter. This is why I keep people at arms length so they don’t get a chance to hurt me. The alternative could be the get them before they get me approach, but I’m just not interested in being mean to people. I don’t care about people liking me but at least don’t make me feel bad about being myself…i promise I’m trying to stay positive and think about the fun and good interactions i have with people but maybe i deserve the bad ones. I try to not take myself so seriously and stand on who I am even when people aren’t receptive. I’m not ever mean or a bully, so i just don’t get it.

I’m just venting, I’m in a lot of pain. It makes me scared for the future.