I feel horrible for feeling this way. I see so many people on Reddit everywhere else who feel alone and who have no one in their lives and I know that's sad and I know I shouldn't envy them but I do.

I have family that loves me and will help me if I need it, I have friends who I can reach out to.

But I'm worthless, I have nothing going for me, nothing makes me happy anymore, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to improve myself and strive for more. If I can't die then I just wish that I had some menial job where I could exist as nothing. I don't have any goals in life, at least none that are achieveable. I don't need or want anything other than a room, food and an internet connection. I wish I could just go through the motions and my death would be nothing more than some passing conversation among old classmates and some "oh that's so sads" and then I'm gone with the rest of them.

But there's so many people in my life, people who I love, who want the best for me. They want to see me succeed and they want me to achieve my dreams and make something of myself and I'm just...I'm not going to. I don't care about myself, I've come to terms with that, but the thought of them seeing me for the sad, empty failure that I am makes me so miserable. I wake up and try every day and try and the farther along I get the more anxiety I feel over what they're going to think when it all comes crashing down and I can't keep up the charade anymore.

I just wish they could forget about me.