No please, have it. I don't want it anymore. It affects everything. My relationships, my work, even my health.. I'm so tired. All the time. The meds just make me fatter and hate myself more. Maximum doses are the only way there's even an effect. Half the time I don't want to do anything. I'm exhausted of the rollercoaster of emotions my mind puts me through. And that's just before breakfast. If, that is, I can eat without hating myself for eating.

I can't understand why anyone would want this.

People who say that they have "issues" when they don't, want a mental illness to make them "different", well, take mine. Please. I don't want it anymore.

I don't want to be different. I don't want to be quirky. I don't want to be whatever manic pixie dream girl you think BPD makes me. I'm tired and I'm exhausted and I can't do this anymore. The strain of it. The alienation I feel. The way everything feels unreal. Like I'm dreaming. Like I'm not awake. I hate not having memories. Not knowing who I am. Not knowing why I feel the way I do.

I don't know how long I can deal with this without breaking. I already see the cracks.