I’m a 41 year old man. Graduated in 2003 from a top 5 liberal arts college. I had jobs all through college and worked very hard since then to build up to a very successful career, never having an employent gap in my history. I was always good with money. Lived and worked hard for my future. Ha many friends and many hobbies and loves in my life…

Then in 2015 I went through a traumatizing relationship with what I know now was a narcissist who had a malicious dark side who truly messed me up until I moved out midway through 2016. Then with the help and guidance of my family, I found a highly regarded psychiatrist who I went on to see weekly for 2.5 years and was prescribed antidepressants upon my very first visit with her.
 I liked her a lot and enjoyed our weekly talks.
For reference, I was eventually after trial and error was prescribed: 400mg Wellbutrin + 2mg Abilify per day (I felt like I was shoveling horse pills down my throat on the daily!) and I was told the side effects I started to feel were the “lesser of two evils” so I stopped mentioning the annoying side effects (I was aware of) to my psychiatrist.

Now that you are are caught up, Here’s my story… I don’t know why I sharing it but I hope it helps someone out there whether it be psychiatrist or patient or whatever.

Abilify ruined my life and the bad side effects didn’t fully leave my system for almost 4 years after taking it. I didn’t even know it was the abilify until I read later that it was shown to affect one people with compulsive shopping (never had any money or credit issues…within trying two years of being on abilify I had maxed out 3 credit cards on spontaneous Amazon purchases, food(weight gain and compulsive eating of sweets), and hotel rooms (severely suffered from compulsive hyper-sex &amp; super increased bad decision making…). Then took out a loan for 5k..spent it all. Went through all my money in the bank… all the while,feeling really good about life and myself. Able to completely ignore the huge changes in my life and my personality…self isolated myself so no one would know I was doing all these new things (the sex, the spending, the eating…) , got laid off… (then pandemic hit).. then spent a year on unemployment and spent all the money on random shit from Amazon, food, and sex exploits….barely rememberng what day of the week it was… never being able to sleep for more then 2 hours at a time.. and everyone in my life just seeing me smile and act indifferent about everything… 
I thought this all happens because of my depression…I was seeing a psychiatrist and then psychologist weekly for 4 years during this and we only focused on my PTSD stuff and so they never knew how I was burning through my money and racking up impossible debt… I thought I had suddenly just made all these bad decisions cause of the traumas I suffered in 2016 and then from my dog dying…. I feel so dumb thee days because I have been off all antidepressants for about 3 years now and finally can see and think very clearly again (like I felt for the 35 years of my life poor to taking antidepressants…) and finally could see such a clear correlation between taking abilify (I was on: 400mg Wellbutrin + 2mg abilify every day for 2.5 years)— while I accept that no one made me
Do all the things that I did during that time…the medicine altered my very being… turned me into someone I am not and the aftermath…feels like I woke up in analternate reality… no friends, no family, no job, no money, and no hope. I can’t undo or turn back time… I can only offer my story here. The antidepressants felt good at the moment..turning off all my heavy emotions for those 2 years was not worth it at all. I don’t think any friend or family would believe me that ALL those changes to my personality and behavior were caused by the medicine…but it seems other people have had the exact same effects as me and sued the company… I don’t know how I would
Do that, or what it could possibly do to fix my life or give me the sense that I cold ever be where I was before abilify (I WAS a very sociable, very liked, attractive, healthy, kind, gym-going, employed since college, high credit score with zero credit debt…desirable in te eyes of my peers.) maybe this will help one person avoid my fate. That’s enough for me. 

Please don’t judge me..I have judged myself hard already. I feel shame in ways we aren’t equipped to feel or handle shame… I don’t need or want validation… I just felt like putting my story somewhere since I’ve ever told anyone any of this. I just let myself withdraw and disappear and slowly come to terms and accept it all. 

Thanks for reading and sorry for bad spelling and /or grammar. I typed this quickly and don’t plan to reread or edit it.