Me and my now ex (he broke up with me over the phone Saturday) have been cycling in an on again off again relationship. He mentioned to me once that in his past committed relationship, he thought he might have BPD. I'm not here to diagnose but I do feel like he has many BPD traits of intense emotions, fear of abandonment, impulsiveness, getting into an intense rage over something seemingly small and making belittling comments.

The truth is, I love him but I've failed to set boundaries and accepted unacceptable behavior and reacted to anger with anger at times. I feel like he was pushing me away because I was honestly being needy and ready to accept anything to stay in the relationship and walk on eggshells and keep everything in the calm state. And was putting my need to know our relationship was ok over having boundaries. It's a bad feeling to be on the receiving end of that. I've made my mistakes too. 

Anyway, i finally brought up the things that had been bothering me (sexual comments about other women, statements that called into question whether our relationship was committed, him losing his temper and making belittling comments) and he ended up leaving and saying he needed space and maybe we shouldn't be doing this. Then he got COVID and we were on speaking terms, I offered to get him groceries and asked if he had a fever but didn't specifically ask how he was in the days following.

Well it turned out he was doing badly and was fuming that I didn't ask about him (in my mind, I thought he would tell me if he got a fever or was feeling worse). He told me he was waiting to see how long it would take for me to contact him. He broke up over the phone and was so angry at me for abandoning him when he needed me. 

It's true I didn't check in. But I expected he would tell me how he was feeling. And I was feeling self protective and walking on eggshells myself. I wasn't fully showing up as myself. I was acting in a way that I thought wouldn't upset him and wasn't thinking about his real feelings or needs, just how to act.

Honestly I feel like this is a toxic cycle we both get into and feel he's right and we should walk away, but at the same time, I feel like the mistakes we both made were out of fear of losing each other, and we should recognize that and try to act better, and that it's understandable that we fell back into a pattern, not give up right away after getting back together. 

I don't know how to say this without coming off as boundaryless and accepting anything to stay in the relationship. He clearly felt very triggered and abandoned and ended the relationship impulsively in a rage. I felt triggered and scared. 

IDK what I'm even saying here. If you have BPD and are pushing someone away, what's the move here, after a huge rupture has already happened? What are the possible futures here?