My job has drove me to feel suicidally depressed. I've lost all meaning in my life and don't have the energy or will to do much of anything anymore. I tried to take an extended amount of time off of work in order to mentally recover before I quit and look for another job, as my union recommended that I file for Short Term Disability and I've read about others doing it for mental health as well. I called the STD number and they said I qualified, but I'd need my doctor to fill out the paper work. 

I met with my doctor and she prescribed me some medication, but she didn't believe in giving more than a couple weeks off for mental health, and she also refused to sign any of my paper work because I don't have a physical disability. 

I took the couple weeks and now my time is nearly up. It's barely felt like a break, as I've still been having to deal with phone calls and paper work from my job, and I don't feel any better than before I left. Each week at my job was making me feel substantially worse than the last, and I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to go back there. All I wanted was a proper mental break without having to worry about being unemployed, but it seems that isn't going to happen. 

It's weird to think I was actually quite content with my life just a little over a year ago. Now I can't even fathom feeling that way. I have no hope left in me and I don't even know how to feel anything anymore, not even sadness. I just feel numb and apathetic. Nothing feels real and it's like my body is just coasting along, mentally disconnected from myself. I don't feel pleasure in doing anything anymore, and the most I feel capable of is sleeping and doing low effort activities, like watching Youtube. 

I'd just rather not be alive anymore than having to keep dealing with work and doctors and family. I've destroyed my body from binge eating and I don't even care. I want to hold on for the sake of my family and friends, but it's getting really hard. Everything takes so much effort, and this world is so unforgiving. 

I know I may just be screaming out into the void right now, but I really just needed to put my thoughts somewhere and hopefully be heard by someone.