As for the trigger warning, this post will contain mentions of abuse. They won't be explicit by any means, but they will be described.

I have recently been thinking very much about my own empathy and morality, because I like to think of myself as a very moral and generally kind person. The issue is, I can't ignore the fact that my behaviour isn't traditionally seen as very moral. Not even by my own standards of morality.

I have defined my morality like this: don't cause unnecessary harm to others, and carefully evaluate every situation on a case to case basis. Weigh out the pros and cons and choose whatever decision has the most pros.

The thing is, based on my behaviour, this moral code has a very big exception. Don't cause unnecessary harm to others, unless it brings you pleasure that justifies the action.
And this exception, only applies to me and what personally brings me pleasure.

Here's where the empathy bit comes in. When I see another person doing something cruel that I wouldn't enjoy myself, such as sexually assaulting a woman, I do have an empathetic reaction. It makes me angry and it affects me to a degree that makes it very obvious that I have a perfectly normal empathy.

When an action that harms someone else brings me pleasure, this is completely switched off. I feel apathetic to the judgment of others, I don't feel guilt, and the damage the individual has received doesn't seem to affect me, or even reach me. It's all just completely neutral, or maybe even adds to the pleasure aspect.

And I would understand why this could sound like some form of sadism, but the issue lies in the fact that it's not the pain of the individual I enjoy. Sometimes, causing harms to others is just a way to get a type of reward. It's not always the action itself I enjoy, but what comes after it. It's also very selective, I can't tell you what my brain bases it's selection on, but certain individuals are fair game when it comes to exploration or abuse, and others are not. 

I am very confused as to why I seem to function this way. I know logically what's right and what's wrong, but once the pleasure element or any other type of reward is involved, I just become apathetic. A kind of apathy that doesn't apply to others or actions I don't enjoy or can gain from.

I've obviously never done something cruel that I wouldn't enjoy, but I imagine I'd feel overwhelming guilt and shame.

Can anyone wrap their head around this paradox? I certainly can't. It seems very out of place and I haven't heard of anyone experiencing it to this degree.