Anyone else feeling this feely feel when the day of NYE comes? Having to spend it alone, no friends, family is far away, no interests, no chance of calming down, no skills? 

I just called the crisis hotline and she told me about breathing exercises and drinking tea or going to a clinic tomorrow. I was honest about suicidal stuff and told her about my diagnoses. Going to a clinic ain't an option cause this clinic held me against my will before and I'm afraid it will happen again if I'm too honest with them.

It's 2AM and it started, the shaking and the restlessness (even though I took 10mg lorazepam and 4mg clonazepam during the day, prescription of course) - I just can't calm down and I feel like I'll  lose control within the next few hours. Do you know this feeling when you watch yourself as a younger sibling and just think "no don't do that stupid thing, it will hurt you and they will search for you!" while being completely helpless, like you're watching yourself fuck everything up?

Today I was like "great, my dissociation finally stopped" but within a minute all the built-up feelings came through. Worst of all: there is a noisy party every NYE right above me (landlords) and the last few times they knocked on my window to open up the door, while I was only in a t-shirt. Thanks for making me feel even less save in my small, dump, basement flat... I can't even wear comfy, minimal clothes in my own flat without being afraid of being watched by some annyoing bitch (sorry she is one).

How do you deal with it? Do some of you spend NYE in the hospital or do you have a technique in how to keep calm? I'm genuinely interested, I have no idea what to do, especially when the fireworks get lit and the images of happy groups pop up in my head.

(I planned to take more sleeping meds and sleep through with ear plugs, but there are major risks involved)