Yesterday, 6 years ago my best friend died in a car accident. Now that I think about it she was the nicest person because even if I was showing my bpd to her (at that age i wasnt aware) she never abandon me. I dont know the details why she died but she was with her sisters and brother in law, they didnt die... I was angry at them, I tought that they should died instead of her, i tought the worst thing for them. I never went to her funeral, im too weak for that but I did went to a lot of her ceremonies in church.


I still cry for her when I hear some song like Just a Dream or What hurts the most, I still feel sad in my birthday because its two weeks exactly to her anniversary, i still hve the hate towards her sister for survive (i know its wrong) and I feel this like she kind of abandon me.


Everytime I think of someone close to me can die I get panic attacks, I cry, I get nightmares and intense hypervitaling. Its the same feeling like when I feel they are abandon me. 


Even if is just  the idea of for example -my grandma is 74 so people always says that she is close to die and when I think about it I want to instantly cry and erase that. I get super angry at him i throw i tantrum when my boyfriend doesnt wear his halmet for the bike because he is constantly on the city with his bike.- 

Sometimes i dont want my dad, my mom or my little brother to go outside because of my intense fear of them getting hurt... But i have to said that im ok with my own dead so i dont know.

Does anyone ever feel these way?