Hey guys! So when I was younger, I was abandoned by my father and it affected me, and i've always felt like i've struggled with relationships but I don't know why.  And every since then, I do have this fear of getting close to people and abandonment. I've always struggled to maintain friendships but I am not really sure if its me, if I choose shitty friends (even if I am borderline I really think this is the case), or maybe (most likely) its both. I tend to do much better with intimate friendships where I feel secure than casual friendships and friend groups where I don't feel secure. Every time i've tried to be in a friend group it ends in disaster because I always get too close to people, get let down or treated like shit, then overreact, then get labled as a drama queen and even if the other person was the disrespectful one, then once you get that label everything becomes your fault, which makes me feel misunderstood so I then for real act like a drama queen and the friend group falls apart. I do much better in close friendships and I do have a handful of friends that i've had for 10+ years. My best friend and mom says that I am both difficult to deal because im so moody and sensitive with but also am 100% worth it.

 Ones that kind of ring true:

* I often feel “empty.” - yes because of my relationships being unfulfilling
* My emotions shift very quickly, and I often experience extreme sadness, anger, and anxiety. - yes i tend to be hard on myself. i think everything is my fault when relationships go bad. if someone is mean to me it makes me very sad all day. On the other hand if someone compliments me it elates me and makes my day.
* I’m constantly afraid that the people I care about will abandon me or leave me. - yes so I try to shut people out at even the slightest sign of it
* The way I feel about the people in my life can dramatically change from one moment to the next and I don’t always understand why. - not moments more and I do understand why. I have this fear that people are going to try and hurt me so I tend to be easily irritable whenever people even slightly push my buttons and react by pushing them away or just overreacting.  
* When I’m feeling insecure in a relationship, I tend to lash out or make impulsive gestures to keep the other person close. - I never lash out in the sense that I insult people. I actually think I am a really kind person and I don't think i've ever said anything mean to bully anyone - no exaggeration. I do tend to react to keep people close though usually by pulling away suddenly or being visibly upset which pisses people off.

Ones that I definitely do not do:

* I often do things that I know are dangerous or unhealthy, such as driving recklessly, having unsafe sex, binge drinking, using drugs, or going on spending sprees. - probably the opposite of this. I am the definition of straight edge.
* I’ve attempted to hurt myself, engaged in self-harm behaviors such as cutting, or threatened suicide. - no
* I would describe most of my romantic relationships as intense, but unstable. - idk i'm too picky with romantic relationships in the first place because im so scared of ending up with someone like my dad. I won't date a guy unless he is an absolute gentleman which means I rarely date but also I feel like a lot of my relationships ended because they never reached the level of intensity that I need to feel satisified in a relationship.

I always see BPD being equated with being a shitty person (no offense), but I know I am a good person who does at least make those close to me happy which makes it hard for me to reconcile.  But at the same time I have always struggled with casual relationships and I have a sense that its because I am BD. Most normal people have close friends yes but they are able to maintain majority casual friends and can get over betrayal more easily, wheras I do awful with people unless I feel 100% secure with them and when I feel betrayed it affects me for years. This is a very difficult way to live - most people cannot be that close. I have tried in the past to go to therapy and I just find it so unhelpful because they literally just validate everything I say. Do you think from what I am describing its possible I have this? And if so where do I start?