please note that as i am writing this, i am going through an episode. 

recently, a romantic partner and i split back in december and since then, i've continued to have unstable relationships due to me just not being in a okay mindset from dealing with loss. (idk side note but this partner was a fp and continued to be so to this day. i feel so obsessive and i think about him everyday, i daydream about him, and i worry so much about if hes with someone else since hes a likeable person. this also has added onto the shit below.) 

one of my closer friends became my fp because we bonded really well and had mutual friends, and just suddenly, one day, i snapped. like something triggered me. the only thing that could've triggered me was that our friendship was being threatened, i wasn't sure if i was self sabotaging or if i was paranoid about his intentions or if he even wanted to continue being friends with me. maybe both. i havent told him about my bpd, but when i did, he was willing to learn more. i was happy to but it quickly went south. as i kept explaining, i felt like he understood, but as our friendship went on, i comtinued to experience those same feelings of paranoia or wanting to self sabotage. something felt so wrong. i dont know if it was my paranoia, but it felt like he didnt understand anymore. as if he forgot everything i told him. the first time i explained it to him, i said i needed communication and that i would like it if he told me how he feels if i did something to upset him. i kept telling him this because he constantly ignored me and began to act distant, so he ended up getting upset that i was reminding him.

this was lengthy but i dont know if maybe im just overthinking and annoying. like, i cant help but feel like a bother. it feels like he doesnt care about me anymore, and as of recent events, ive relapsed badly and have dealt with so much anxiety, paranoia, and have dealt with dissociation as a way to try to push it all in the back of my brain. 

i feel like im just fucking crazy like im someones crazy ex who wont stop obsessing over a topic or over a person or a constant feeling. i get this feeling and i cant help but find so many reasons to support that feelings and i dont know whats real anymore. i feel so ashamed of myself and how ive dealt with things but im so fucking upset. i dont know what to do anymore.