But the thing is, it's not that I hate myself, that I'm just a monster. The monster was bred over time... Every rejection, every story of abuse or hate or murder, everytime I realize I can never really be happy because my kind isn't free to be themselves in this world...

Every moment just makes me angry, and all I do any more is suppress that anger. I don't have energy for anything else, and that just makes me angrier... And as it builds up, I don't want to be good. Because I can't ever get better, I'm expected to take care of myself, but you know what, I can't. I need someone to take the pain away.

I get better when I have someone who fights for me. I get better when someone is starting by my side... But I'll never find that someone... And if I even just want a night of relief, I'm a fuckboi. So fuck it... Why fight the monster anymore? Why keep it bottled? Why try to make the world less painful when the world would never do that for me?

And to the people who say 'the world doesn't owe me anything', fine... I don't owe it to the world not to let the monster go. I want better, I tried to be better, but I'm always just a monster in the end...

Why should I have to fight an uphill battle just to have a mediocre life?