I’m a 37yr old F, mother of 2, I’ve just completed a year of psychotherapy and during the last session I casually asked “so, if you were to label what is wrong with me, what would you diagnose?” I honestly thought she’d say “complex PTSD” as I initially started going because I was suffering depression and we traced the origin back to a difficult childhood growing up with a covert narc as a mother. Since becoming a mother I have really struggled with my emotions, I spent the previous year analyzing my childhood and examining the severely fucked up stuff went down (I realize how bad the emotional abuse was after this reflection and low contact with my family) The symptoms I went for treatment for were: lack of energy and motivation, feelings of despair and hopelessness, occasional suicidal ideation, getting angry/agitated/frustrated/irritated over little things and mood changes with no specific cause (I actually thought it was due to my cycle) The main issue was really struggling to control my emotions around and towards my children. This frightened me into treatment as the last thing I want to do is fuck up my children in the way that I was as a child.

So anyway, the answer from the psychologist was “well, I don’t like putting labels on people but seen as you ask, I would say you have BPD or agitated depression. If you want specialist treatment for BPD then I will need to put that diagnosis on your report for the referral. However, if you don’t want that on your insurance records then I can say you have agitated depression and you continue with regular therapy, but you’ll miss out on specialist treatment” I couldn’t believe it, I was in complete shock! I spoke to my partner about it and asked what I should do, we researched the symptoms and lo and behold, I match every symptom on the 9 point checklist (at least now or in the past) I haven’t gone back to her with what I should have on my report. I’m confused, she was talking about insurance and stigma and I don’t want this diagnosis to affect me in the future.

This news has sent me into a really dark place and as if by proving the diagnosis point I have gone through phases of extreme activity feeling positive and hopeful, spending time researching treatment options and going OTT. Then in pits of despair barely able to get out of bed. 

To make matters worse, my partner is really frustrated with me generally. I’m not currently working, and money is tight and we’re going backwards every month. I’m draining all my hard earned savings (I spent my whole adulthood as a workaholic squirreling money away, but now I’m not working it’s draining away) So we’re looking to downsize our house, but I can’t get the energy to sort through and deep clean everything. I’m trying to do a bit each day and also caring for the children. I’m also manically searching and applying for roles here there and everywhere as getting a job would take a lot of financial pressure off us, and that feels like the most urgent thing to do.

I feel lost, alone and not sure what to do with myself. Help!! My heads in a mess and I don’t know if I’d be carrying on if I didn’t have my beautiful children to be a mother to.

Does anybody have any advice for me? I appreciate you reading this.