F22 here. I’ve struggled for many years now. I got together with my now ex at age 14 and we were in an on/off relationship until I was 20. Fuck that’s a long time. He was severely mentally abusive. Also really violent during our constant fights (no joke we had some kind of fight every week). Like, throwing stuff and all that shit. Since I had been with him all that time and we managed to keep our relationship going with those few good moments we had together if you look past the fighting - I stayed. I lost all my friends at some point because he was a jealous fuck who wouldn’t want me to spend time with anyone but him. He would also manipulate me into having sex many times. I’m an asexual btw. That’s not important at all actually. Ok I guess that’s enough details about that relationship. Fast forward - I finally managed at age 20 to get him completely out of my life. I guess COVID or something helped me in some weird way.

Well, here I am today. I have an awesome boyfriend who loves me so much and makes me happy. No wait, let me rephrase that. He distracts me from my misery. I’ve never seen any kind of therapist or even talked to my doctor about my problems. Because my trauma and depression was bearable to some extent. But… 

Now I’m so completely lost. These past months have been damn fucking hard. I’m behind on a lot, and I mean ALOT of school work and I even missed the deadline to sign myself up for this year’s exams. I want to get out of my parents house so bad because they clearly don’t love each other anymore and create such a depressive atmosphere in the house. Well, I’m not a loving joy to be around myself tho. Can’t blame them alone. I so damn fucked. I have been skipping work like crazy and I am so numb. I’ve never felt so numb in my life. I can’t even show affection for my poor boyfriend who hasn’t done anything wrong and is so scared everyday that he’ll wake up the next day to a suicide note. I feel nothing for no one. Except my cat - my sweet dearest baby. I know I’ll sound so fucking dumb to some of you on here but I’m dead serious. My cat is everything to me. Oh right. I lost one of my cats a few months ago too, which really broke me and still hurts me every day. Just the fucking cherry on top. God… I miss him so much. 

It’s 02:03am here in my country. I feel so lonely. I have restored some of my old friends I once lost. But I can’t open up to anyone. Even my boyfriend. I can’t put shit into words. Even in this post it’s a whole damn mess. I for real can’t explain how damaged and broken I am. I can’t remember the last time I was a even a tiny bit okay. I don’t even know why I’m posting this I just felt like telling some random strangers on the internet I guess. I’ve never wanted to not be alive so much as I do these days. I’m so scared of what I’m able to do to myself at nights like these. I’m not afraid to die, I’m more afraid of living.