Never posted but have lurked for awhile. I’m a 25m with a lifetime of dread and it never seems to relent. My first memories are of sexual assault, quiet literally my earliest memory is forced oral sex. I was repeatedly raped by my babysitter for almost 2 years starting at 5, until one day I told someone. I can’t even remember who I told. My dad was an alcoholic and between his drinking and my abuse coming to light my parents marriage failed and his drinking got heavier and violent. He started to hit me and it gradually got worse until I pulled a gun on him at 13. Most of my scars are from him. I grew up so scared and angry I never learned how to talk about how I feel and now I struggle to let people in. I have ruined so many relationships romantic or otherwise because I simultaneously distrust but have to please everyone. I was so frustrated which in turn fueled my anger further until I was too tired. Anger became sadness. Adulthood starts to hit. I’m fairly intelligent (32 act/ 97asvab) and always learned quickly, was emotionally hyper aware due to regular mental trauma and abuse, and realized I needed a family of sorts, and purpose. At 17 I enlisted in the army and for the first time felt like I really found home. I’m still in today and love my unit, I credit it with saving my life on multiple occasions. However it’s really the only place I’m happy. I’m in the guard and that means I only train part time. In the military I’m highly respected for my ability to train and lead soldiers in incredibly hostile environments. I certified as a section chief (squad leader) as Private First Class just to prove to my squad leader I could. It’s like everything just clicks. When we get out the gun line I’m in my element. I feel sharp, determined, flexible. But no matter what I try, where I go, what I do I can’t find any fulfillment in my life outside of it. I’ve searched my entire adult life for purpose outside the army for I know this is temporary, and one day I will be too old or broken to be an artillerymen. I’ve gone weeks without bathing. I smoke about 2 ounces of weed a week. I switch between eating everything and nothing. The only other thing in my life that brings me joy is my girlfriend. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now and she’s wonderful. I want to do better for her, she has been so supportive and kind yet I’ve made no real progress in the real world. As I continue to prove an evermore capable soldier I feel like the bigger failure of a man and partner I feel like to her. I can spend days and weeks living out of bags without bathing in hostile environments for a laughable amount of money but I can’t punch a clock 40 hours a week or even get out of bed some days for the only human is world who has ever chose me just for me. And that hurts worse then any of of the abuse. Knowing I’m letting her down and I’m literally the only thing in the way, that’s hell. I’ve done a lot of things in my life/ been put through a lot of things that are hard on the spirit. I’ve killed. I’ve been raped. I’ve been tortured. But failing the only person who doesn’t fail you is the worst. I know this is a lot and all over the place but I just don’t have anywhere else to go.