I'm currently in my 30's and was diagnosed with Bipolar and BPD in my 20's.  I've come a long way, was able to go back to college, I'll be done grad school in a year, and am in a really good place now.  I've long since apologized to the people I was horrible to, kicked a bad pill habit 7 years ago, and feel accomplished in many ways.  


There are still times where I mourn the fact that I will never be a parent, and could never be a parent.  Not that I regret my surgery, just the fact that I know how horrible a parent I would be and I never want to put a child through that.  I have very strict sleep needs to manage my symptoms and successfully managing symptoms can be a daily, or even hourly occurrence. It also takes so much energy in hiding these symptoms from those I work with and study with.  This symptom management is helped with the correct meds that I've been on the past 7 years, previously going through DBT, and currently working with the amazing therapists I have seen over the past decade.  Essentially, the work and time I would need to spend on a child is being used to manage my symptoms and being as asymptomatic as possible.


I said earlier that I was horrible to people, and I was.  I would say awful things, get angry over the smallest things, and was in many unhealthy relationships.  I would never want to do this to a child, yet there are times I just wish I didn't have to go through this on a daily basis: the constant monitoring and managing symptoms.  I've also decided to stay off of dating over the past several years and will likely remain single until I finish school because I plan to move sometime after I graduate.  I've been in the same city my entire life and need a fresh start.


I just wanted to write this somewhere, just feeling rough today and was ruminating on it.  I've seen so many write ups of people who went through hell with parents who had serious mental health issues, and I didn't want to contribute to that.  Has anyone else had a vasectomy or tubal litigation (or other permanent sterilization) because they know that parenting would be impossible?  How are you currently feeling with it?