\[context: she has BPD and I, only very recently, have been "loosely" diagnosed with mixed PD traits, but I identify most strongly with the BPD profile\]

It's hard for me to make friends. I feel like I'm too lame, too weird, too uninteresting and mostly too damaged to put myself out there. But for a while there was one person who I felt truly understood me. 

We shared interests, we shared beliefs, we had similar traumas, and mutually felt like we were two versions of the same person. We supported each other in our successes, and in our heartaches. We went to junior prom together. I wiped her tears and held her hand through an abusive relationship. I drove her to the hospital when she tried to OD. I stood by her as her maid of honor on her wedding day. I forgave her every time she lashed out at me, and there were several occasions. 

To my knowledge, I never wronged her. At least she never made it known. One day I sent her an intrusive text, realized it was inappropriate and immediately apologized, but that was all it took. I didn't hear from her again. 

My birthday came and went without word from her. I asked her if she was ghosting me. She told me that no, she wasn't ghosting me, but that she didn't want me around anymore and, before I could send any type of reply, blocked me. She literally ghosted me immediately after telling me she wasn't.

To say that hurt is an understatement. It still hurts. It was already in the lowest time of my life. She was starting her career and building a family while I was dropping out of school and falling apart at the seams from new and repeated traumas. Just trying my hardest to stay alive. 

She reached out months later to apologize, like I always figured she would, but I told myself I wouldn't forgive her this time.

I don't know what's so wrong with me that the most toxic person in my life suddenly became too good for me. That I wasn't even worth a conversation. I try to tell myself that it's her problem and not mine. That I made one mistake, apologized without being prompted, and she dropped me without even the decency of a goodbye. But as frequently and deeply unkind as she was to me, I still miss having that one person who gets my trauma. And I still feel worthless that someone who called me her best friend, whom I truly gave my best to, was unwaveringly generous and patient with, whom I truly would have done anything for, didn't want me around. If she doesn't even like me, then who the fuck would? 

D, if you happen to be reading this, I truly wish you the best in life. But do not reach out to me. I hate you almost as much as I hate myself.