I’ve pushed through addiction struggles, job struggles, and mental health struggles. I keep pushing.

But I don’t feel like a survivor or someone who has perseverance. I feel utterly defeated. I’m tired of just surviving and never prospering. I’m tired of the same issues continuing year after year.

I think I have figured out a new explanation as to why I can’t see how what I have gone through and am still going through can reflect well on my character.

I have borderline personality disorder. One of the big things as we all know with that is black and white thinking. Well, because of my issues I’ve been divorced, dealt with legal issues, and been fired over and over. This is not the life I thought I would lead. This is not a life that can ever get back to what I envisioned for myself.

BPD comes in here. If my life isn’t perfect and doesn’t go like I’ve envisioned, it’s bad. Get that? If it’s not PERFECT, it’s bad. Utterly pointless waste of time and space. Those are the things I think a feel. I know it’s a lie and I know I can find silver linings, but to do so consistently I will always have to be on my toes. I’ll have to dispute beliefs and feelings constantly. It can be done.

I’m just glad I realized this and am hopeful that it can do better at getting stability and only making good memories in the future...