Hey folks. Here is the deal, I can’t exactly decide for how long I have been depressed. 1 and half years? 5 years? My whole life? Some people say it is a loop or something. No it’s not. It’s more like a staircase inside a dark well. It happens step by step and you realize you have gone so far down when it’s late and climbing down is a lot easier to climb up. And it is too dark you can’t even know how many steps there are left. You just have to stick to the ladder shivering while you are so fucking tired. And people are yelling at you on top of the well to be strong. To do this, to do that.
So the depression is not the thing that’s killing me. Sometimes I think I am too close to the top, but always turns out I’m wrong. I can’t even decide when it’s started. Maybe I was just born like this. And life just shows no mercy to me, not even mercy-kill me. I am being tortured to death.
And my pain is getting physical too (nobody tells you this, but depression makes you physically weak). I am weak and my whole body is painful. It was a holiday last night in my country and I just drank a little bit. Just a little. And it killed my mood (it was like this with marijuana, it was giving me panic attacks and overthinking. Now i can’t even tolerate just a tiny bit of alcohol). And not only it killed my mood last night, but I am also hung over. People drink and smoke like a horse and nothing happens to them. People also eat like a horse snd then they are thin. I get fat and now my belly is my closest friend and guess what I hate her. I wish I could cut it off from me. Now I am lying down awake on the sofa and thinking how long this shit has been going on😔