My mum died in December. I got pregnant not long after - it took my wife and I years to get here (female couple). This baby is so wanted. But I never imagined that I would be so unbelievably miserable. 

I'm so depressed. The hormones have ruined me. The grief is killing me. I hate everything about my life now. I feel trapped in the city we live in (my wife's birth country, the country I moved to as a desperate young adult trying to escape). I have no family here, only my wife's. My friends are people like me. Creative people with depression who move around a lot. 

I'm taking my meds. I'm seeing a private psychiatrist. A private therapist. I've dropped to four days a week at work. 

But I just can't do it. I can't live in a world without my mum. A world in which I, once again, can't trust. This illness makes me so horrible to myself. I can't trust if I genuinely want to leave my wife because she doesn't understand me, or if I'm just too depressed to see anything good. 

My therapist told me to 'stay in the moment' and 'not make any big decisions.' But doing nothing is a big decision. Letting my life play out like this is torture. 

I want this baby to know nothing but love. Stability. Consistency. Things I never had, and for some reason cannot achieve. 

I want to wake up and be able to feel pleasure. I want to wake up with a family around me who loves me, who wants to help. I want to wake up with my identity intact. My self-esteem restored. My confidence back. I long to know what it feels like to believe in my emotions. Or even better - to wake up and just not think about them at all, like my wife. Who gets up every day exactly the same and whose biggest issue is me, the unstable partner who feels trapped. 

There's nothing left to do. I'm doing everything. The only way out of this hell hole is for me to publish my second book. The book I have been desperately trying to finish. Trying to write while suicidal is impossible. How do I claw my way into a healthy-enough mindset where I can write my 1k words a day and finish it.

How do I love my wife again. How do I love myself again. How do I make sense of my mum's death. How do I stop myself thinking I've failed this baby already. How do I trust who I am.