(M21, gay, bpd diagnosed)

CW: mentions of sex


I was seeing this guy for a little while and really started to fall for him, quickly, but so hard. I thought he felt the same. He said all these nice things to me, he said he liked me, he said I was perfect. He planned lovely dates for us. He said he didn’t care that I have problems, he wanted to help me be okay. We talked about everything, he knows my past, he knows my secrets. We slept together on Sunday. And he hasn’t talked to me since. 

I have had a MH crisis this evening, due to several things, but he has really just topped it. I thought I could trust him so I messaged him asking if he could see me, just so I wasn’t alone. I then repeatedly messaged him, because I’m stupid. He’s read all the messages and blocked me now without saying a word.

I’m sort of angry at him. But I’m more angry at myself. I’m embarrassed with myself, for being so clingy and needy. For being obsessive. For trusting him. I feel used by him, just like every other person in my life. I hate myself for letting myself get attached. I knew it was too good to be true. It was too good too fast. Why the fuck did I let this happen again? 

I hate myself possibly more than I ever have in life. Over this one stupid fucking guy.