Hello all,

So where do I begin... I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in the summer of 2019. A few years prior to that my dad, my hero at the time, was diagnosed with a brain cancer. It dramatically changed him. For years, the rest of the family and I endured an onslaught of verbal abuse and manipulation. Considering how serious his condition was, we just sucked it up. I had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. My life started falling apart and one bad choice led to another. Refer to my previous posts to see how I ended up in an extremely toxic relationship. Over the years, I watched my family fall apart, my relationships fall apart, my physical and mental well-being deteriorate. By the time my dad passed, I had grown to despise him. I finally began to see things for what they were as I had been attending therapy on a weekly basis along with reading lots of books and doing anything I could to pull myself out of this dark hole known as depression. While all of this had been going on for nearly 4 years now, my mind completely pushed my career aside. This brief summary brings me to this moment, the critical problem I currently face. 

Although I have a burning desire to be financially free, successful, and day dream 24/7 about being all that I want to be. I do nothing about it. Zero action. I have no motivation to do so. I feel like I have no purpose, no passion. I have spent years in school, graduated as a Veterinarian a few years ago and yet I can't seem to get myself to study for this last stupid exam (I've failed it 3 times not because I'm dumb but because I just can't get myself to study properly). There's only one step left and I can begin a new chapter in life and yet, absolutely nothing. I get no joy out of anything besides sex, and even that sometimes feels like I am doing it for the other person. My mind is never present at the task at hand. Like EVER. It wasn't like this before things went downhill. Yes I would procrastinate, but things would get done. Now its completely different, I feel numb. I am driving myself crazy trying to find a solution to this problem. Right now, all I want to do is somehow get my mind right and get this exam over with. I noticed my mind is constantly burnt out, so how do I "cure" a burnt out mind? How do I reclaim my life and my old ambitious self? How do I re-ignite that flame and deep burning desire to study with heart? 

I apologize if my post is all over the place. It's 3am here, I am at the verge of a mental breakdown because I feel like a failure. Take this post as a plea and cry for help. Any help, comments, literature, books, whatever you may think might be helpful is deeply appreciated. If you have an questions or require more details please comment and I shall answer. 

Alternative sub-reddits, where I could post this, are also apprecaited.