I don't know if I have BPD for sure but I thought I'd ask anyway because this issue is really bothering me, regardless of whether or not I have BPD. Three years ago when I started struggling with mental illness I laid all my problems on a friend of mine who was going through the same. I idolized them, thought they were perfect and could do know wrong. Spending time with them and feeling loved by them gave me highs and sometimes I'd feel jealous if I didn't get to spend enough time with them and I was always scared I'd be rejected by them. Eventually I drive them sick and my fear became true, when they to,d me they needed some space. They actually said they never wanted to lose contact with me, but I believed they didn't want anything to do with me anymore. So I cut them off and deleted my social media. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life and I still miss them after three years, because I go to the same school with them and I have a constant hope that we might reconcile, or that I can at least apologize to them for being such a toxic friend because I've been beating myself up for years. 

Sometimes the hope seems valid, because when I ran into them last time they smiled and said I should hit them up again, but they never followed me back and when I got back to school they always looked away when we made eye contact, but suddenly they followed my new social media account now and I'm not sure if they hate me or if they're just scared of talking to me like I am, because I've been trying my best to avoid them too. But now I know it's probably a false hope and I'm probably delusional. 

I just want to get over them for good, because I know as long as I'm still attached to them I will be very unhappy and struggle with feeling closer to other people or having a new crush. Also, I'm a Christian now and I believe idolatry is wrong. I want to put God first in my life and that's hard to do when I'm literally addicted to someone. I also believe jealousy and coveting is wrong, which sadly I feel this a lot for them. I want to remove all feelings from them forever so I can be a better Christian and worship God always. 

I've been thinking of blocking them on social media but I don't want to make them suspicious I still care about them. I've gone no contact with them for two years after cutting them off, through not looking at their social media and not being around them in real life as I went to a different school than them, and I STILL couldn't get over them because they were stuck in my head. And I'm indeed in school with them again now, so that just makes it harder. They slither into my thoughts when I least expect it. It's involuntary and I'm scared. I don't know how to forget them. I've put them so high on a pedestal and I don't know how to knock them down. Please help.
