We can’t ever be like you. We love unconditionally one day and despise you the next. Not a day goes by that we are not afraid you will leave, or worse, die. We were in shock when we found out people don’t often contemplate suicide; when for us it’s a daily thought. We are the product of pain you could never imagine. We have been abandoned, or sexually abused, or an endless combination of childhood trauma. We were broken as children, and just like a vase, we can never be put back together. 

    We suffer mostly in silence. We evolved into perfectly mimicking emotions just to hide the shame we carry. No one will see our true side unless we allow it and none of our “close friends” really know us. How could they? We don’t even know who we are. We can smile and be the life of the party, while at the same time planning to overdose that same night. You will never know when it’s happening unless we tell you.  

    We don’t tell you because we have talked and failed before. The first time we told somebody we were seemed as weak or institutionalized. We learned what to say to doctors and therapists. We can never be honest again because they will take us away. We felt like a burden because all of these people had to take care of us, because something was really wrong. Our family is now constantly worried, our friends don’t stop asking if we’re ok. So we hide it, and we hide it well.

    We will have good times. We will have fun and be happy to be alive. But rest assured, that will end. It starts slow, maybe a change in appetite, or just a constant feeling of dread. Something triggered it, maybe an argument or a low performance report. Our immediate reaction is to think we’re better off dead, and that feeling stays. We start staring into the void, longing for a non-existence. We don’t want to die, we just don’t want to BE, anymore. That feeling of emptiness overpowers the love we have for others. When an episode hits, nothing else matters. It feels like living on autopilot; fake some smiles, make them laugh. Nothing feels real. Nothing at all matters. The only thing that matters is walking into the void and leaving all this pain behind. 

    Even after an episode the feeling of emptiness doesn’t really go away. We want to be alive, so we desperately search for ways to fill that void. It could be through different sexual partners, changing jobs constantly, drugs, or plain recklessness. No matter what we do, that void remains empty. When none of these things do anything to fill that void, we resort to what we have always known: pain. This is where self-harm and self-sabotage comes in. 

    Our default setting is pain. Everything that comes after that is forced. Happiness, excitement, hopefulness, all of that is forced and a struggle to sustain. So a combination of not being able to fill that void with that new job, and the strain of holding up to hope will result in just letting go of the fake and back into staring at the void. It’s a lot easier than to keep holding on.  

    When we yell at you, when we curse you out and kick you, we are engaging in self-sabotage again. We truly believe we are not worthy of your love and need to do whatever necessary to protect you from us. We hate ourselves. We hate the pain we cause our loved ones. And that hatred, that hatred is what fills the void.

    So hate us if you want, but I can assure you we hate ourselves more. Imagine the worst day of your life. Remember how you felt. That’s the pain we have been carrying since we were kids. Maybe you were also abused as a kid, but you managed to overcome it. We deeply regret the fact that we couldn’t overcome ours. What happened to us haunts us, even in our highs. It’s a race we know deep down we will never win. 

    So next time we yell at you, please remember why. Your harsh words will serve as fuel to our pain. We love you, to the point it’s unhealthy, don’t forget that. We know the pain you feel, the desperation when you struggle to find the real us under this monster. We will apologize after, we will be sincere. The monster and the void will leave for a while. But until it comes back, we will love you unconditionally. 
   