Hello everyone,

The reason I'm writing in this subreddit is that I made huge mistakes in the past, that could've been so easily prevented. In june 2019 I watched illegal pornography involving minors on the deep web. And I think my father knows about it. I also think that all of my life I had undiagnosed ADHD, which would explain a lot of problems with shame, hypersexuality and addiction I had in the past.

I regret this thing so deeply. I don't want to live anymore. I often did things without thinking about the consequences, always putting in as little effort as possible in everything. I just wish I didn't see this bullshit. Everyday feels the same. I only take care of myself because I need to, not because I want to. I always knew in the back of my head that I had to change something about my life. Stop smoking weed, stop beating myself up about mistakes, stop watching porn, go to the gym. But I just wrote that stuff down, instead of actually doing something. I got really depressed at one point. I was at the doctor but too afraid to speak up. I talked to a friend of mine who I thought was really smart. He really liked me and still does, but that day he told me I would just fake being sad for attention. I always kinda felt like I was faking it. Today I know, that this didn't make any sense. I shoulda just seen a professional. That sentence of him just made me even more angry at myself and I feel like I watched this type of porn to punish myself forever. To put the nail in the coffin. To make me really depressed. For good. To give myself reason to feel like I feel. 

I forgot about what I did and moved on with my life. Smoked more and more weed during lockdown and decided to go to university very spontaneausly. I felt so lonely that time, despite having people there who liked me. Basically everyone likes me. But I cannot like myself. I quit university after 1 year because I burned out really quickly. I did nothing. Watched porn alone in my room, smoked pot. One day, when I drove home from university, I remembered what I did and cried all the way home.

I realized that I had to change. I'm donating money for good purposes, I started working out, I'm helping my family. But it all feels so egoistic. I just want to be myself again. I just want to feel like a normal human being. I want to enjoy stuff like music and games and food like I used to. But the fact that everything I love will be gone forever just eats me up from the inside.

This christmas, I found a girl who really likes me, we cuddled and it was one of the best moments of my life. But I can't put the burden of me on her. Everyday I wish I just stopped for a moment, breathed and thought about my actions. I wish I just got professinal help. Today I puked because I felt so fucked up. I lost myself. I feel like an imposter around my friends and my family. I want to go to therapy but this can't undo the fact of what I seen and did. I can't enjoy music anymore because I cannot relate to any artist or other person anymore. I wish I just did anything but this. I really want to Die. My life is hell. I had so much potential. I cant go on lile this. I wish I just did something about this earlier. I wish I just never ignored all the red flags. I wish someone talked to me. Took me to a therapist or a doctor before it was too late. I cannot live like this anymore. I want to go to the past and stop myself from doing this. My life coudlve been so perfect but I ruined it. 

Sorry if this text seems a little confusing, I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Basically I want to love myself but I did something so horrible and disgusting that I cannot undo. I just can't love myself. Despite every advice I get from people. I wish I just never did this.

I wish I just realized earlier that I was turning my life into hell, when I could still prevent the worst thing from happening. I can't do this anymore. 

If any of the people who love me would find out what I did I would be alone. I would be unloved. Noone would trust me ever again.