I honestly don't know if I should be posting this here or in r/SuicideWatch  
Everything is dull. When I am not crying the world just feels so mundane. I don't think I have ever been happy. Any moments of laughter or joy really just felt like a distraction. Anything I enjoy is a distraction and I am no longer even interested in those distractions. I don't want to do anything, I have no passions. Even if there was a job I wanted I wouldn't get it. I can't even get hired for a simple data entry thing. It's all a matter of luck. But I just have zero interest in anything.

The one place I used to feel safe was bed. I even stopped watching shows at night so I could go to bed a couple hours earlier. Now I wake up panicking. Like my heart will burst out. I don't feel safe anywhere, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. It feels like I am just not meant to be a part of this world. The only person who understood me and the only connection I ever felt, just left me for someone else. That was the tip of the iceberg. I have been unhappy for some time but now it's all revealing how bad it has been. Before I even met him. And I have no one now. 

I am so lost, dead inside. I don't know what to do. I will see a therapist for the first time this week. But I already feel like it's not going to help. I don't know what strategies they will have for me but it is all probably going to be ways to lie to myself to make myself feel better. I see the point in nothing anyway. 

How do some people go through life not feeling like this everyday? I've always wondered, as I have never been able to relate.