Because reddit is anonymous I’m going to talk about one of my biggest challenges in my life. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever challenged or had to deal with. Some people might see it as silly. But I don’t need to worry about that, here goes:

My body.

Primary school (age 4-11), I was always concerned about being fat. Every time I had a shower I looked at my big round belly and hated it. I did a martial art 5 days a week and was incredibly fit, my parents fed me well I didn’t eat shit. As a 26 year old now, looking at pictures. I was not fat. I was skinny.

Secondary school (age 11-16), stopped martial arts, due to regular skinniness and previous years of exercise I developed a 6 pack. I took my top off to what felt like my world (my year at a rock concert). The crowd screamed, they loved me, girls loved me, everyone always wanted to see my six pack, I always showed it, claimed I worked out every day for it. I didn’t. But I loved the attention. My parents divorced, I got depressed, I stopped going to school, I never exercised, I locked myself in my room for years, slowly building slight amounts of fat (I felt obese.) around my belly, I hated myself, considered suicide. Told my friends I would commit suicide, told my girlfriend ‘Sarah’ I would commit suicide, she left me. I did not commit suicide, hated myself. Left school, 

went to college (age 16-18), started Home workouts. Got my six pack back, developed incredible fitness and muscle mass (not much, was still very skinny, dieted strictly... exercised no less than 15 hours a week) felt awesome got attention for it. Sarah paid me attention again, every time I was in the street I always imagined Sarah would see me and think ‘wow, he really looks good’ Sarah was still not a big part of my life but had left a mark.

Got a job, as a butcher (age 19-22) met a girl, Stacey, I liked her. She liked me, in particular, my body. Entered a long term relationship. Mid way through, Sarah contacted me, we met, Stacey found out, I cut all contact with Sarah to stay with Stacey. Stopped working out to spend time with Stacey and regain her trust, started gaining considerable weight. Hated myself, hated my body, 6 months later, Sarah contacts me on Facebook, I do not respond. 6 months later again, Sarah commits suicide.

Moving away form that(yes it bothered me, but this was not my posts topic), my body. I am fat (I’m really not, just under 15 stone, mostly chunky bum and belly) I hate myself. Stacey leaves me. 

Ages 22-24 I get a new job in technology, I lose myself in the gym, I’m single. I diet strictly, I exercise 3 hours a night every night, martial arts, rock climbing. Heavy weight training. I gain huge muscle mass, 6 pack. I feel fucking amazing. My friends love me, admire me, look up to me, they are inspired by me. I am a celebrity amongst friends. No. I feel fat, I still hate myself every time I sit down. I feel fat. FAT. NOT BIG ENOUGH, NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

Diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I stop going to the gym. I start with Quetiapine, I gain massive wait, almost 3 stone. I’m 18 stone. Age 25, I consider suicide. I hate myself. I hate he way I look, every picture of myself in the past now looks fantastic, I looked amazing back then. I miss how I looked. I look shit.

Age 26, I have come to terms with my Disorder, I have made progress. I am married, I am soon to be a dad. I am down to 17 stone and losing more every day, been doing couch to 5k, writing this as I sit in my spare room training my upper body. I WILL GET BACK TO MY OLD SELF. I WILL LOVE MYSELF AGAIN. I WILL TEACH MY CHILD TO NEVER HATE WHAT THEY SEE IN THE MIRROR. ALWAYS BE TRUE TO THEMSELVES AND KEEP PRESSING FORWARD. 

I hope I’m a good Dad. I miss Sarah. I love my wife. I can’t get enough of her. I can’t wait for my child. Life is hard. I am fat, trying not to be fat.

Thanks for reading x (age ranges may be a little off, particularly in later years, just typing this quick because I wanted to share) 