I don’t think that I’m at the best place I’m supposed to be mentally and physically. About roughly 2 weeks ago I was in a very dark place and because I skipped my medication my depression got to a place where I could be walking around and then feeling like crying. I could cry at any moment and I find it hard to control myself. I think part of the reasons why I am behaving this way is because I have little control over my own life. I can go to places where I wanted to go within the boundaries given to me. But does give me freedom, I think it’s not enough to give meaning in life. 

As to why I don’t have a sense of direction or a clear goal in mind I think part of it is because I’ve been told what is expected from me from a very young age and I cannot fulfill those expectations. Because of this I tend to find comfort from things outside especially through eating (which I am trying to change), TV programs, reading novels and other form of entertainment such as music. I’m thankful that those things does not cost as much as expensive product that I used to buy because I thought that if I look a certain way then all my problems will be fixed. But that’s just not how the world works. Currently I am not at my best and the only things troubling me is that a lot of things that are about livelihood is out of my control and that I feel sad and hopeless. If I could compare myself to some other being I would see myself as a parasite or a burden. 

The mistakes I made I felt it’s late to change. But within this tough time I am able to focus on other things which could impact my health. For instance with the way I look right now it’s not the best that I can be because I’ve gained roughly 20 kg during before the pandemic and I am obese. And as I was thinking about ending everything and taking my own life I could not forget the fact that I am not in my prime. That I do not look the best that I possibly could. It’s the shallow part of me that’s talking and taking control. I don’t think that this is a good solution for anyone because if you focus on outer appearances in the long-run everyone ages and our bodies are not the same as we age. We decay and trying to hold onto this prime status closest to our ideals is impossible. 

But in this case I think because I focused on this rather than other parts about my depression is becoming voices in the background. Perhaps the medications I’m taking now is working. Even the psychiatrist told me that after two weeks of the medication and when we meet again on the next appointment. I might no longer want to lose weight, clearly that is not the case and I think that it’s not about peer pressure or anything but it’s about holding onto the past. When things were simpler back when I still had a chance to live  out the aspirations where I had meaning in life where I still dream for a better future or a brighter future. But now everything is gone and I can’t go back in time to fix anything. And even if I try to explain myself. Even if I did do something better I don’t think people forget that easily or maybe I’m a pessimistic person. I don’t know. I just think that life is not meaningful nor beautiful and perhaps that’s just my negativity talking but this is how I feel. And the only thing that I can focus on right now that’s the only positive thing is escapism or trying to look my best on the outside cause everything inside is a mess. My mind is a mess.