I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. 

It stems from childhood and the fact that I have always been emotionally abused as a child and as an adult, by different important people in my life. 

I became extremely fearful of rejection, because I’d often be told I was not good enough... I was often punished with guilt tripping or silent treatment. Through out childhood I was bullied a lot. (Not sure if that’s relevant) I could never stand up for myself. 

Anyway I’m in a really awful and abusive relationship and I am trying to get out. I’ve lied to him about big stuff before, I’m so ashamed, but stuff like peoples deaths because I needed to get out of situations with him. For example he wanted me home, And I couldn’t go so I would lie someone has passed away. I was so scared of him, and his reactions so I’d have to lie about things sometimes. If I didn’t do something the way he wanted me to, he’d often make me feel sooooo horrible so sometimes I just had to lie. 

And right now I feel so so horrible end anxious that the guilt is eating me. 

Do you all think I’m the worst person in the world? Please let me know. And If anyone’s been through something similar please do let me know