I(29F) have been in an on and off again relationship with an alcoholic (30M)  who was emotionally abusive. I met him at a time in my life when I was so vulnerable (shortly after the break up of an 8 year relationship which was healthy and happy and someone I was with from 17-25 and moving to a new city with no friends/social support). I kind of got lost in this person's world, losing myself completely along the way and finding I was stripped of all my self worth. The good thing is that I went right into intensive DBT in an extensive 'off' period, which I have completed over the last 2 years.  This relationship picked up again in March this year, got the most abusive it ever has (physical threats of violence, demeaning language and behaviour) and ended well and truly in September after he discarded me and blocked me completely after I reacted inappropriately to his devaluation. He then moved into a new relationship right away with a 38 year old woman and I felt a lot of hurt and injustice as a result of this.

So this guy has yielded reactions/behaviours from me that make me feel ashamed and he often used my BPD against me to make me feel like I was the abuser/unstable one. He even told me that no one else would ever put up with me. This has given me a complex about my sanity and I am beggining to feel like a malignant person and more recently, I have been acting in line with this in ways I am ashamed to admit.

I don't know the new girl personally, but basically I tried to warn her of his abusive behaviour on 4 occasions (!!!!) and she went in to block and ignore me.

The first time - I rejoined Twitter for my own reasons and realised that his new love interest and I were mutually following each other (prior to them even meeting)  and it came to me that this was the new girl he was dating as she posted frequently about him. She had also posted regularly about struggles with mental illness and how she finds herself frequently entering emotionally abusive relationships with addicts. For this reason, I reached out to her to warn her of his mistreatment of me and instability.  She ignored my message me and naturally I unfollowed her as this was too painful, especially when she'd frequently post about supporting women in abusive relationships &amp; the importance of believing women when they come forward with allegations of abuse (this felt quite invalidating at the time).

The second time- this weekend I came home after a few drinks with some friends (not a regular occurence) and I was feeling extremely hurt about his mistreatment after disclosing it to a friend for the first time and seeing his response to something that happened that I didn't perceive as abusive. I ended up messaging her again, attaching a screenshot of him making a threatening comment and told her she has attrocious taste in people and she should feel ashamed claiming to support women's/dv issues when she associates with people like him.

The third time - I woke up the next day and felt immense regret for sending her a message like this. I explained that I had a couple too many drinks after a night out and was feeling a lot of hurt about his mistreatment. I told her it wasn’t my place to slander her character when I don't know her, or to get involved in the first place and I will well and truly back off from here. She never blocked me on Twitter or turned her account to private, she just went on to ignore me.

The fourth time - my abusive ex's ex girlfriend who he dated for about a year during one of our off periods (who I have become friends with) messaged me to tell me she had found out about his new girlfriend. I did not check their Instagram accounts, but was aware that their accounts were both public, hence why my friend found out . She sent me screenshots of her warning this girl about his behaviour over Instagram in quite a detailed account. The new girlfriend blocked her in response and I began to feel so angry, as my friend and I had both endured so much hurt and I was feeling like her disregard was really invalidating our experiences. I acted inappropriately from here and I sent her a seething message on Instagram stating that us coming forward is quite a selfless act and it is really hurtful that she chooses to disregard us and knowingly get involved with such a scum bag when we have provided evidence of his abuse and that she’s only becoming another enabler in his life. I also went on to say that he is diabolical and detailed his abuse further. I called him a lot of really awful names and really to town on him (I dont think ive ever spoken about anyone this way and I am feeling very guilty about this). She blocked me immediately in response. My  ex then went on to message my his other ex that her and I ‘make quite a lovely pair. Enjoy’. He then blocked her also.

Everyone around me has been really disapproving of my behaviour and expressed their disappointment in me, saying I took it too far by messaging her so much. Now I’m beginning to think that maybe my behaviour could be considered harrassment/stalking and this is becoming quite overpowering. In light of my behaviour I am also beginning to wonder whether I might have been the abuser after all and it was me who was deserving of it. This in turn is spiralling out of control as I am really internalising the BPD stigmas of being manipulative, vindictive, callous, etc. I feel that this is something people around me are thinking in relation to my behaviour too. In all honesty, I never react like this to anyone else in my life, nor have I ever done anything like this before. I am a borderline who internalises hurt around me and holds it all in around others in public to go home and unleash the pain and punishment on myself.

My psychologist/drs are all on holidays for the christmas period, so my access to theraapy and support is limited and people around me are too overwhelmed by their own issues/don't know how to respond when I am this distressed. If anyone could help me feel more at ease, I’d be really appreciative as I’m feeling pretty frantic and concerned I’m going to get some intervention order in the mail or a notice for harrassment from them any day now OR that this whole ordeal is going to mess up my sense of self further and make it harder for me to rebuild myself knowing I am this stalker/fatal attraction character type.

I please ask that you go eaasy on me as I am feeling very fragile. Also, I ask that you please don't tell me not to contact them again, as this is something I am clearly not going to do and is a given for me.