when we first met, i was doing a bunch of drugs. I was extremely reckless and didnt care if i died or not at the time. we did drugs together and thats how we got close. 

at the time i found out i was borderline and gave up all hope. my best friend stopped being my friend due to other reasons and i just felt as if i was useless. before that happened, i was raped by someone i thought was my friend and was a virgin at the time. so i was coping with the fact that i lost my "virginity" by getting raped and it followed with me getting drunk all the time and hooking up with random guys because i thought that was all i was worth. 

thats when i started doing coke and beans and i just kept going. around that time is when i met him. we were friends trying to poorly escape our lives and later ended up falling for each other. Something happened and we were forced to get clean so i did with no problem. ( this all happened about 2 years ago)

ever since i stopped using completely and didnt wants to start using again in fear that it might spark up that side of me. i tried to explain it to him countless times but he just makes me feel terrible for living in this safety bubble. 

i dont want to do anything bc my body feels like its shutting down and my brain just feels fucked. i just feel tterrible now because i feel like im not that exciting girl he knew and just a very boring person.  im sure he doesnt think that way but the wayhe gets upset when i refuse to drink or smoke or anything makes me feel like that. it makes me feel unloveable.