I don't want to go on anymore.  
I live with my gf, lat 4 weeks I was extremely motivated but all she did was sit on the couch on her phone..there was almost no support from her side. I tried mentioning it nicely, nothing happened.  
I got a bit harsher and she started extreme drama.  
She just pulled down my motivation so much that I can't do it anymore.  
I'm getting absolutely no support from her. Only if I push her over and over and over she might do maybe a bit. I just can't anymore.  
I don't even feel loved anymore, I just wanna leave.  
Last week I hurt myself, I almost had to get stitches.  
And that was amazing. It was the best feeling I've ever had and I wish I could've done more to disfigure my disgusting body.  
My soul is already dead, so all there is to kill is my body. Then it's over.  
It would all be quiet.  
I don't even know what I feel anymore. It's so much that I can't name it. It's all confused and messy and I have a dull but painful feeling in my chest.  
:(   
I stopped heroin last year and went to rehab. I wonder why? For what? Nothing has gotten better since then.  
And every time I criticise my girlfriend she is getting extremely defensive or is pushing the blame on me say "but you don't..."