we were supposed to spend the night together on monday. i was sent home bc she was tired and needed to rest for work.

told me we would get together tuesday night. last night. okay that works

i texted her to ask if she still wanted to see me at 9 pm. no response at 11 pm. no response at 1 am. no response at 3 am. 

one message at 5 telling me that she fell asleep while "typing the response to my message" 

for context we're both women, me 22 and her 26. which. kind of plays into everything i'm afraid of. she's clearly in control and more mature and has less to lose. i have no idea what i'm doing

she's more experienced, she's smarter than me, she doesnt seem as fazed or crazy about the relationship. it's my first serious relationship with another woman after a lifetime of getting disappointed and let down over and over again by men. and I think I had rose tinted glasses thinking that maybe this kind of thing wouldnt happen with another girl. but no, it does

or it did. idk. I dont know if its a pattern but just. two days in a row. i'm losing my mind

we're supposed to meet up tonight and i'm inclined to just not go. i dont know my motivations behind not going. i dont know if its a smart self-respecting move or if im just trying to make her understand how it hurts

but at the same time i miss her. so much. every single night we're not together. it hurts so much to not wake up next to her. 

there's been times when she slept over and then left in the morning without waking me up bc she didnt wanna disturb me and its just. NO. i felt like I was having a panic attack as soon as I woke up and she wasnt there bc I just assumed she'd be, bc she was there when i fell asleep. 

i want to be with her but i dont feel safe being vulnerable anymore if I feel like she'll just abandon me on a whim. I want to toughen up and stop being so obviously in love with her because what if that makes her bored and she abandons me? but at the same time she says the things she loves about me are my energy &amp; emotional authenticity so maybe that would ruin it.

i dont know. what should i do? in general?