I don’t remember much about early childhood. There are some traumatizing episodes from the child me’s perspective that play out so vividly in my mind. But I can’t tell if they’re memories of my dreams or of my actual experiences. (Curious to know if anyone else has felt the same way?)

And what if it turns out that I’ve never actually had any of those traumatizing episodes, that they were just nightmares I’m replaying in my head? Well, then my childhood looks quite loving, even spoiled by love.

Ok, and if I’ve never experienced anything you could seriously call “trauma,” then what’s caused my symptoms of depression and avoidant BPD? How much of what my mind struggles with can I rightly blame on those diagnoses? Maybe I’m just a fussy person unwilling to be satisfied, a drama queen demanding perfection at all costs. Wouldn’t you look at me funny for seeking ‘therapy,’ for seeking ‘support’ as a “sufferer”? 

I’m to blame, right?