Tw:mention of s.h. &amp; disordered eating 

I hate it. I deal with BDD, but it feels like that's fake. That what I see is true. I hate it but my appearance is always on my mind as a constant stressor. I cry way too much over wanting to look like the pretty Instagram models. I guess I figure life would at least be a tiny bit easier if I did. In my mind it goes to ,"my mental health is absolute garbage. My physical health is absolute garbage. My personality is a disorder. I'm not super rich and in debt. The one thing I can drastically change quickly is my appearance." I hate this constant feeling of needing to be the hottest bitch in the grocery store. I wouldn't want to be with any of these people so why is it constantly on my mind??

 Then I spiral because I know I'm not on the super above average scale, so everyone is disgusted by even looking at me. &amp; its not just in my head as, yes,I've had a lot of people in my life constantly telling me how ugly and undesirable I am. I have really bad rosacea which makes me feel like an absolute alien. I make crazy plans about all the plastic surgery I want, but I'll never afford and just cry. Watching pretty people be happy in life while I wish I could literally peel off my skin. It turns into such self hatred that I often don't see a point in taking care of myself. (Eating, drinking water, etc.) Not just because I dream of having a flat tummy and a tiny body (even though it's impossible with my genetics anyway) but because I don't care about myself. There's just no point. 

Like when I feel ugly it creates such strong anxiety it makes me afraid to go outside. In fear of offending people with my "ugliness". Like that one SpongeBob episode. Plus I'm terrified of rejection and can't deal with people being rude to me. I'll just cry. &amp; I don't wanna cry in public, because that makes you look weird and vulnerable and people take advantage of others who they perceive as weak. And I really just can't deal with anymore trauma right now.

Anyone else? Maybe something similar?