It's been fairly recent that I've come to the conclusion that I have Bpd, after having telephone assessments to try and find some help, they agreed and sent me back to the doctors.... now I'm waiting for the doctors to get back in touch with me to start the next step of....well I'm not even sure to be honest...to get a diagnosis and then end up on a different waiting list... I feel like I'm waiting to be put on a waiting list. That's not even my real problem to be honest. I can handle the waiting. I can't handle my actual issues. 

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm in my final year of university and I know I'm pissing it all away. I want to be productive and do my work but I've felt like it was too late for the past couple of months. It wasn't. It obviously wasn't. But I just can't bring myself to do it.
The first time I went to uni was in 2010, and I dropped out in the first semester. Back then I was only diagnosed with depression and anxiety and life seemed bad enough to me then....at that point I still had friends.
After dropping out I moved away about 200 miles from home with my now ex boyfriend. After having zero friends in the new place and an inability to keep should of the friendships I had I become an introvert for five years. I rarely left the house and found it difficult to even keep doctors appointments. In this time I began to feel pain all over and found it difficult to leave bed on occasions, at which point I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and many of the associated conditions that come with it.
After finding a good balance of medication for my depression and the neuropathic pain I started to feel better so I joined the gym and went pretty much every day. After a few months I applied to a foundation degree course and started uni life. The first year was a brand new course and it was.....well....shit. It was an awful course.  The teacher was terrible, the facilities were...impractical. it just wasn't what it was supposed to be. But I managed to get through it. Towards the end of my first year I cheated on my boyfriend. I had felt like the relationship hadn't been working for a long time and I felt very ignored by him...constantly. He thought that being in the same room as me was spending time together. Although I am saying this I don't hold him responsible for that part of the relationship but I digress. So...After I told him he coerced me into having sex with him. Possibly the lowest point in my life. I felt disgusting and pathetic and the entire variety of emotions that go with it. I very nearly killed myself that night.
I moved out and began a new relationship and my second year of uni was a lot better. Last year was a pretty good year for me. I managed to get a job and I had some semblance of a life. I was happy.
Then I moved again, to do my third year. It started out alright and I was pretty optimistic but it wasn't what I thought it would be. I thought I would be able to make friends again and I could have fun and be a bit less restricted by my complete inability to form relationships with other people....
I failed. 
So, I don't feel like I fit in. And it really hurts. More than i ever imagined it could. In my first year I don't know what was different but I was able to be myself and I was comfortable being by myself and I honestly didn't really give a toss about making friends...I was there to get my degree. 
But now? I don't know what happened.
After the past couple of months my uni life has just been getting worse to the point where I just don't feel like I can do it anymore.
I've had a major mental break and slid into some of my old habits.
I don't understand what has happened. My boyfriend is still amazing but it's like my brain wants to sabotage it. 
I was wondering if it could have something to do with the trauma of my last break up. I didn't go into a massive amount of detail here but it was a 10 year relationship. It was toxic and after a couple of months after it I came to the realisation that it was abusive and he raped me.

I don't know why I came on here to bare my soul. I just feel so lost. I came very close to suicide again the other night. It just feels like I've completely lost my shit. I don't want to be this way anymore. I wish I'd never moved. This whole year has just been a big fat mistake.