Have you noticed how many people give up on you or misunderstand you ? I don't even have a single friend that truly understand how it's like to be 300% aware of what's going south with your life and not even having the energy or the resilience or the impulse control to prevent your inner, weak self to totally fuck up every effort you make FOR SEVEN FUCKING YEARS IN A ROW, but somehow ''You must do it on purpose''. It feels like you're almost crazy, ALMOST, but you're conscious of the atrocity.

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I've had suicidal idealizations. Me throwing myself in front of a subway. Me throwing from the top of a roof. Family is aware, friends are aware that I have those ideas. Doctor is aware. But somehow I probably am not depressed, I'm probably just a lazy man making excuses. I wish I was strong. I wish I had the strength to tell everyone to fuck off and live my own life like some warlord and tell myself ''I've made it and it was without you cowards''. I've always done my best in terms of friendship. Was always there for my friends and I saw them as brothers. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Have considering ditching me, or already did. For those who didn't, they barely bother anymore. They don't even try to understand, even if I shit a Harry Potter novel. They think I'm just lazy. They think it's just that, laziness. Truly I must not be depressed. Truly it's 300 % my fault. I don't get it.

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I wish it was as simple as telling yourself ''it's my fault, I'm just being lazy'' so I could get to work and be proud of myself.

Something feels wrong with that. I don't think I would've tortured myself for 7 years in a row if it was ''Just me being lazy''. I think I spend litteraly every single day overthinking ways of fixing my shit and I've started to think that there is no escape for me. I've considered psychedelics. I had a bad trip, psychosis, went to he hospital. Here's what happened :

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Psychiatrist : ''Yeah well you're kinda sensitive and you struggle with keeping jobs so you have ADHD man here take some prozac that will kill your dick and make you feel indifferent to everything and bored''

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You spend your whole life tearing yourself down and your trusted friends add up to it then leave. They just cowardly leave. That's friends in 2019. You're in a bad stop, you're not successful like them, you're a liability, so they leave. Fuck loyalty, fuck empathy, fuck honor, people just leave you to rot and tell you it's your fault. Stigma around mental illness is actually insane.