Today I reached 350lbs at 23. I'm disgusted and defeated. I knew how bad it was getting watching the numbers go up but I didn't care enough, its my fault. I have so much self esteem and confidence issues because of my weight. My depression is worse. My suicidal thoughts are extreme.

I hide from everything. I don't even attempt dating. I hide under baggy clothing. Part of me even thinks I'm not even that big. This is ridiculous. I hate being see by family due to shame. I have no friends. I'm such a waste.

I can't see my own penis when I look down because of my fat belly. As humiliating as it is, it's also not even there because of the fat around the groin. I am absolutely embarrassed. For any man with a penis you know how much of an insecurity that is to you. My body is covered in stretch marks.

I'm not sure what to do because I'm so depressed to the point where I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm stressed, I'm scared, I'm fucking fat!! I can barely leave the comfort of my ROOM because I hate showing myself to anyone. I really want to kill myself because this is only going to get worse or take too long to lose, and with all my mental health issued its just not happening. I hardly eat because I'm afraid to gain more.

Please don't tell me to go to the gym, to walk, to eat better, that my image doesn't define me. I've heard it all. Obviously I haven't listened, it just makes it all worse. Can barely walk long distances without being winded, and hurting. My feet hurt. I have a bad knee I injured twice years ago that's not been the same since. 

I don't want to be alive anymore.