 Hello. My following story describes my persistent fear I might become psychotic/schizophrenic in the near future. I decided I'd give it a shot here because I guess you guys might give me the best opinion on whether my obsessions are disturbing in the sense of a developing prodromal psychosis. I have already booked an apointment with a psychiatrist and will describe every detail to them.

I've had OCD, severe hypochondria, full blown anxiety and mild depression for a solid 5 years now but I've showed signs of them well before that. During all these years my obsessions have taken so many forms that it'd be difficult for me to list them all. It's worth mentioning I've never gotten it treated, no CBT, no SSRIs, nothing. Got it diagnosed by a specialist but never continued therapy and continued using medication.

One of my strongest obsessions was the fear of developing schizophrenia later in life. I wouldn't have cared that much if my first cousin hadn't been full blown paranoid schizophrenic and if I hadn't abused illicit drugs in the past. Long story short, I moderately fried my brain on ecstasy one night and since then my mental health deteriorated drastically - emotional instability, memory deficits, hallucinogenic persisting perceptual disorder, etc. A few years back my psychiatrist reassured me the genetical predisposition risk of developing schizophrenia was still pretty low. No other family history of psychosis but bipolar and OCD. I'm so so convinced I'm gonna become like my cousin really soon. I constantly compare every action I do to hers and try to avoid her behaviour traits I see in myself as much as possible.

For the last year or so, I've developed a fear of being watched (paranoia). Not exactly fear in the literal meaning of the word but more of a really really uneasy feeling.

Here comes my current obsession - a few months ago I masturbated in my room but forgot to shut my blinds properly (or so I thought). Wouldn't have cared that much if there wasn't that huge apartment complex just fifteen meters in front of my room. Sounds insane but I'm ashamed of looking through that window and into the building outside because of the fear that someone might have seen me and I might get blackmailed with a video of me doing my dirty little secret. Or people might mock me when I'm outside. Not that it couldn't happen if I don't show up on that window too lol. I don't think I will survive the following harassment and bullying. I was bullied my entire life, I don't want this to continue. I don't live in the best neighborhood either. What is even crazier is that I might be so far away from home but if I hear some people laughing near me, my brain would somehow associate it with the stuff I mentioned above. It's ridiculous. I avoid eye contact with people around my neighborhood and have a feeling a lot of people know about my secret, I'm extremely suspicious. If someone looks at me a bit odd, I get a panic attack and a thought crosses my mind "they might know". Avoiding certain places of my house is a part of the whole game as well. Well, in theory it's possible they *might* know about it but that chance is insanely insanely low. Still, it gives me hellish anxiety. A lot of time has passed since then but the episodes don't subside.

Another thing I'd like to mention is when I jerk off usually, i try to stay away from my webcam/phone camera. There have been numerous cases where I live about people being blackmailed caught doing their job. It's extremely unlikely, but I still keep my camera taped just in case. Another thing to mention is I'm insanely careful to the stuff I watch on my phone when I'm in a bar/restaurant or a place that has cameras next to me. I'm afraid that if I'm currently watching something weird or if I have forgotten to close my pornhub tabs on chrome, the guy watching those cameras could pick this up and use it against me. Chance of that happening is \~0% tho because there are tons of factors and variables that'd influece the final result.

It sounds literally like paranoia, checked its symptoms and I got them all. I (still) don't have some bizarre beliefs like the aliens are stalking me or the government is trying to poison me but I feel like they might appear soon. My fear is rooted in reality but it just won't go. I will only be at peace if I ask those neighbours in front of me if they have seen anything but this sounds even crazier and if they actually have seen anything then this might remind them of that. I just want to not care and not fear the worst.

What scares me the most is I'm unable to classify if my paranoia is caused by my ocd/social anxiety. Usually I'm aware of the compulsions I perform to lessen the anxiety caused by the obsessions but what I do now is just shutting my window in order not to hear what people might talk about outside and generally avoiding strangers near my block. I also seek reassurance on the whole internet.

How does that sound to you, does it sound like I'm becoming a schizophrenic? As I said, I understand that the chance of the stuff I mentioned happening is quite slim but it still brings me immense amount of anxiety. I hope so so much that it's my social anxiety and OCD presenting themselves in the form of paranoia rather than psychosis. Any help is appreciated, I'm desperate.

P.S. I recently rented a PS4 from some guys. All good until recently when I was reading about the politics on their site if it breaks (it has no warranty). They claim that we have 24 hours to notify them since the console breaks in order for them to be able to cover the costs. This sounds really weird. I immediately got paranoid that somehow they really might know if I have notified them longer than 24 hours so I assumed they \*might\* have put some chip/camera/microphone that'd give them that ability. This was followed by me compulsively checking the device for any weird stuff and I found nothing. This is delusional and crossed the line. I'm 100% sure I'm developing psychosis.

tl;dr: did something stupid at home, afraid i might have been seen by someone because i dont remember if i had shut the blinds correctly and some unfriendly lads might make fun of me although highly unlikely. More paranoid stuff mentioned in text.