I found this buried in my notes on my phone and I can’t tell where I am at when I compare myself to this person. Who am I anymore?

“10:43am friday, June 5th, 2020

That is the time where I felt the final strings that were holding up this, broken marionette of a person, snap. If it wasn’t for a promise I made to my father, I would’ve killed myself. At work. Behind the printing machine in a place that can be out of sight. I regret the promise I made to him, to never make another attempt on my life again. Because now that he is passed, I can’t ask him to rescind the promise. I’m am stuck here, now. Mentally, at rock bottom, and feeling the world and my past grinding me into the floor with no relief. I have made many mistakes in my life and the consequences live with me to this day and batter me down, relentlessly. And I would give up anything. Anything, to just experience an hour without torment. I am sick of hanging on, and I cannot anymore, but yet, I’m am still here, clinging on. And it is an existence that is killing me with each passing second. I can only hope that the immense stress, that I am under right now, stops my heart and ends this ridiculous dance of futility that my life has become. I don’t want to be saved anymore. I want to be euthanized.”