Depending on how life is at the moment, I get crying fits anywhere between once a month to once a week. And these aren’t just a couple of tears that come out of the blue. Instead, its *nonstop* crying for hours and hours on end. The tears **do not** stop pouring. I can’t quite figure out why this happens but its been happening for almost a decade now (I’m 22m and in college) and each time I just feel so empty. Its like I’m mourning something I can’t fully understand. 

If I were to venture a guess, I think its because I sometimes feel robbed of the freedom to pursue my passion in the arts (I’m from a very conservative immigrant family so this isn’t even an option). Or its a longing over the thought of what could’ve been had the circumstances of my birth been different. I also have anxiety so when I start thinking about stuff like this, I can get really worked up and often consider just leaving everything behind and running away to pursue my actual dreams regardless of how unrealistic they may be (and I actually have run away before, twice). 

But this hypothesis seems like a stretch. People go their entire lives doing things they don’t like. And its not even like I hate my current major, I actually really love it. Its just that deep down my life ambitions seem to be almost exclusively related to my true passions in the arts, even though I’ve never really had the opportunity to explore them properly. I’ve been daydreaming about them for as long as I can remember (probably since I was around 5). 

But I’m not naive. I know that a successful career in the arts is extremely rare and I already have a late start should I decide to pursue it now. Plus, my current major is extremely employable and I’m pretty good at it. Many people have advised I should secure a well-paying job first (which is essentially guaranteed with my current major) and then fund my actual passions with my day job. And this makes sense. But to be honest, I’m not sure if I even have it in me to power through anymore. With each month that passes, the crying fits seem to be getting worse. Its like a wave of emotions that comes back stronger each time. I’ve already uprooted my entire life twice before due to them and I don’t think I’ll be able to live if I continue burying these emotions. But I’m not sure if this just means I need to better manage my emotions, or if its a sign that I should actually pursue my ambitions or else risk losing myself (in terms of both my spirit/sense of self and my life) should I choose to continue ignoring them. 

What do I do? 

P.s. I’m already on anxiety meds. They help with a lot of things except for these “existential” dilemmas.