ive never expressed myself like this before so i feel quite a bit embarassed doing so. an evil mixture of thoughts about the one i love whom i left due to me not wanting to burden her with myself. so many aspirations and goals i want to chase, yet find myself not getting out of bed until 3pm after staying up until 6am. endless breakdowns, suicide hotline calls. my parents are the "just be happy and not sad" kinda people, screaming at me and almost forcing me into a mental hospital because i was sad. alcohol, weed, vapes, i use whatever possible to distract my thoughts. just two weeks ago i used to cut daily, until even the cuts didnt distract from my thoughts of her, my future in making music, what ill become, past trauma. i cant go to therapy because my parents insurance doesnt cover it. the last time i called the suicide hotline i was left on hold for 10 minutes. i was recently fired from my job, parents divorced, and just waking up every day hoping ill have enough energy to work on my music for an hour, write my poems or do something. i have 8 dollars in my bank account including savings. im at my lowest, trying so fucking hard not to make the decision to say goodbye. my cat earl is who i vent to sometimes, as its better than nothing. bad relationships have killed my sense of love. graphic and bloody experiences have killed my sense of feeling. truly being alone has killed my sense of purpose. im writing this at 3:30 am, once again staying up all night. just writing this i cant stand how cringey i feel. how much i miss her. how empty my mind and heart have become. how much i just wanna float to the stars, and walk along the beautiful horizons, just to say my final goodbyes. i hope my cat earl can join me when his time may come. and that he can curl up next to me, as we both go to wherever life may bring us. i love you earl. im sorry.