i just feel so alone in this. im not alone, i have people constantly reminding me how loved i am. i am forever grateful i have a shoulder to cry on. i have an incredible psychiatrist with whom i feel more or less comfortable and validated.

but i just dont have the guts for honesty. i dont have the guts to express the lengths i go to avoid the hurt. i dont have the heart to tell the people i love that long ago id fallen into a hole and now im so deep that ive no hope left of climbing out. at least not in the next 6 months.

ive a high tolerance for pain but when its so intense and unrelenting theres just not much i can do within the boundaries of 'healthy' that does me any good. ive begun drinking again to help me manage. not the average 'just getting a buzz on a friday night' drinking but getting blacked out and vomiting on a weekday just to deal with how much im hurting. its the only thing that stops me from self harming past the point of pain and just being self mutilation

im just so , so tired :[