It doesn’t matter if I’m surrounded or isolated, I always feel alone. I always feel off, like there is something I don’t get, or can’t get. I allow myself to tolerate things I shouldn’t, for the sake of keeping people near, for some semblance of connection, or belonging.

Always alone with my thoughts, the only thing that I have, the only thing I haven’t messed up. The same thing that causes problems, is the same comfort that embraces me every night. Sometimes, I can ignore them, occupy my time, but they eventually always take hold.

I’m tired, tired of fighting to keep myself together, tired of trying to fill voids, tired of trying to please people who will never treat me properly. I’m tired of being alone but it’s all I know, it’s all I know.

I’m tired of trying to convince myself I’m a monster, that I’m a bad person, and deserve this hell I occupy. I don’t deserve this, I’m not a bad person, I try hard, I swear I do. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, I put so much energy into it and I want to get better, I really do, I swear. But it doesn’t seem to matter.

I hope everyone who reads this is doing well and has a lovely day.