I have a huge heart for the people that I allow into my life although I have personal issues that push them away. 

I have a drug problem and was clean for 2 and half years of my 5 year relationship. The first 2.5 weren’t consistent use, just a lot of relapses and having to get back on track. 

It always broke her heart, so i thought I finally thought I was finished. Now a week ago I relapsed on meth, which is not even a drug I ever had an issue with. It was a complete disaster. 

I got so high I passed out roaming from nose and mouth and she thought I was dead. I was unresponsive, I can’t imagine the image engraved in her head by that. 

Its tearing me in ways I never thought possible. She had a 4 almost 5 year old son when we got together and he’s 10 now and has been on vacation with his grandmother through all this. 

I’ve been removed from the house, rightfully so and we’re waiting for him to get home to explain dad wont be coming home. I can’t cope with this. Hes my little buddies. 

He has so much love for me. He doesn’t have any relationship with his bio dad and Im the one he calls dad and looks up to. Im a broken mess. 

I am
already depressed and suffer anxiety and panic attacks and this is pain like never imagined. Idk what to do. Im supposed to spend time away getting myself together and healing, but I just don’t think I can. 

Work is depressing to me and I have no strength to even do so. being told what told to do all day makes me feel really small and unimportant. I can’t imagine dealing with that with such a broken heart. 

Idk what im trying to say here, Im just so broken. Life has no meaning, and I wouldn’t even care it suddenly ended. I keep making mistakes that crush everyone around me. I don’t know why people expect anything from me. Its a given Im going to hurt them. 

Being alone and feeling lonely is my biggest sympathy towards people and now here I am. Talking to people about this is just redundant. It doesn’t bring my family back. Idk what ever will.