i've only recently begun to entertain the idea that my mental health entails more than just anxiety/depression and acknowledge the parts of my brain that i know are impulsive, selfish, and uncomfortably extreme. and, in looking more at my family, I think I have the issues of both nature and nurture. 

my parents should have never procreated. my older sister is (I believe) highly functioning on the autism spectrum (and was never acknowledged at all growing up--is this gaslighting of some sort), and my brother has been medicated to submission. i don't think either is capable of a relationship. my father is gregarious, but I believe has bpd--profoundly manipulative. my mother the opposite--stoic, reserved, ocd. 
i think i have spent so much of my life trying to ensure 'normalcy' and really backed myself into a corner in the process. working to survive a home, survive feeling unwanted in social capacities, survive my brain meant that i never quite had the energy or, more frankly, the confidence to try to make a change. 
my fp is a friend, one of the few people that i have ever felt that wanted me in their life and was invested in mine. i have had friends before, i have had close friends who i have felt attached to, but I have never been a part of someones life, and certainly no one has been a part of mine. so, of course, after a winding road of self sabotage, we arent speaking (i think this is a 'nc' but bpd is something that has never been discussed, and im also horrified thinking she knows)

i guess my question is--what if i really don't have a place? my troubles are deep, draining, and quite possibly deathly. though ideation is extreme, there really is no one who 1-wouldnt think me coming to them is somewhat burdensome or 2-whose daily life, whose story, would be different for me gone. and then when i think about my death i think about how there isn't even anyone to give a eulogy for me. it'd probably be my fp, which in itself is so sad. 

people havent really been interested in me romantically ever, and though i feel like i have made real progress and want to be close to people, i dont even have any relationships to fuck up at this point. and, what i *think* is reason (grounded in this history) dont give me reason to be optimistic. obviously, learning that my mind is more out of control than i thought it was doesnt help. 

so, i guess TLDR -- what to do if i am actually alone? 

thank you!