Black and white thinking has kept me stuck in an unhealthy relationship. My partner was so incredibly cruel to me over the last year. He said the meanest things anyone has ever said to me and continues to do so; we can get into a tiny disagreement, and all of a sudden he's attacking me as a person, saying I'm lazy, pathetic, disgusting, that he hates me, that I am lying about my problems, that I dont deserve love or kindness, that he never wants to talk to me again. Then he'll come back &amp; make demands that I change my behavior in unreasonable ways, generally belittles me and attacks who I am as a person. I am ashamed to admit this, but a few weeks ago, I literally begged him not to leave me. He made me literally get down on my knees and beg him. It was humiliating but I did it because I'm pathetic. Just typing that makes me want to fucking die. How the fuck could my self esteem be so low that I will beg someone to stay, and literally get on the floor like that? But I also am so angry he made me do that. It's sickening. He attacks everything about me, my values like hobbies or passions - he discredits it all and gaslights the SHIT out of me for everything. He tries to get me to hate my family &amp; constantly talks about how bad my family is, won't let me have friends, just really fucks with my self esteem etc. But I kept going back again and again. Last week we had an argument and he came upstairs (when I was in bed) and choked me and said he wanted me to die. I didn't pass out (and obviously didnt die) but it was so scary to think he might kill me. 

I've lived long enough w/BPD to know that when I feel adamantly that I need to end it and move on, that feeling does not last long.. its just a matter of time before the old nostalgia creeps back and I miss him again. But I keep thinking about 6 months ago, going through the same thing I am now. Trying to get through the night because I feel so lonely and broken over what he said to me. Pretty much this entire year my feelings have been "fuck it, I know I shouldn't love him but I do, it's too difficult to separate, I'll just settle for this." But he is hurting me. I need this cycle to stop. I need to get out. He is hurting my psyche so much. I know I'm strong but he is so cruel. Please help me move on and take my power back. Please, if you have any advice I need to hear it.

I'm with my family now, many states away from him.  I blocked him tonight after he started saying really mean things to me. But fuck I just hope I'm strong enough to move ON. I just want to get through this pain and be an independent person.