**TRIGGER WARNING: physical abuse depicted, mention of mental abuse; please lmk if this isn't allowed and I'll edit it out ;-;**  


&amp;#x200B;

Hi all, this will be a very long post, I apologize... I'm really scared to post this but here goes..  
I've had three mental breakdowns today alone and the last one being really fucking scary, I finally decided to come to Reddit to seek some kind of help or advice or just to talk to people who have it similar as me, because I really don't know what to do and I am terrified of myself and sick of my life.

I'm 22, I'll turn 23 this march. I have 6 wonderful pets: 4 male rats, a betta fish, and an 11 y.o. puppy dog. She is my everything, and the reason I still cling to life as best I can. On my best day I enjoy watching various youtube videos, talking to a friend or two who still are there for me even after everything that's happened, playing games, and calling/spending time with my partner, who isn't perfect, but neither am I, but they make me forget about all of my bs so quickly and I just feel so free.. even for a little bit.

Now for the problem. I have two parents, a mom, and a dad. My mother loves to control me, she probably views me as her item, her child and so I have to obey her and do everything she says as she says it, otherwise, I'm a failure. She has physically and mentally abused my dad too and even injured him with a knife once so she basically keeps him under her foot and he keeps telling me to just do as she says. She has abused me physically as a child up until I became an older teen and adult, now just the emotional, financial abuse remained, the control, the harassment, the stalking, the helicoptering, forcing me to do everything she wants, forcing me to wear what she wants, to talk in a tone she wants, to present how she wants, to study what she wants, you get the picture. She would also make very uncomfortable sexualizing remarks when I was still a minor, would touch my chest or butt and say how ''ripe'' I am, and still do that to this day. If I ever say it makes me uncomfortable and to please stop, she gets very aggressive and says that I'm her child and she is allowed to touch me.  
She's strangled me twice in my life, or attempted it because she was so really drunk but why else would you strangle your own child if you didn't hate them and didn't want to kill them? I still think about that to this day and have nightmares over every little thing she has done to me physically. Dad has strangled me once when drunk, on Christmas, mom strangled me one of those times after she found out I sent some nudes to my ex and she deemed it a normal and good enough punishment because I ''ruined'' the family's name and am a disgrace. After they found out the took my laptop and sat me down and forced me to look through all my nudes while they watched and commented and harassed me and after I went to bed, they got so mind-numbingly drunk, she came into my room and I pretended to be asleep, sat down on my bed, mumbled something, pet my head and leaned in to strangle me. After I realized what's going on I jumped up to get loose but she just wouldn't let go, we tumbled to the floor, I was screaming for my life, trying to get out of her grasp and she just kept holding my head down to the floor by my hair, cursing me out, screaming, calling me a prostitute and trying to force my head between her legs to ''lick'' her because if I send nudes then I'm a prostitute and I will do that too. I was too physically weak and terrified to set myself free or do anything. I was 16. After this instance, I showed my ex (I was a minor and the ex was a fucking pedo, that's a whole another story lol) some pictures of bruises on my neck and he anonymously tipped the cops off, even tho he was in an entirely different country than mine, the cops reacted and came over the next day. I was terrified, didn't know what to do, they pulled me away from my parents and I said that yes, I'm very scared and they did hurt me. We then went to court over this and I had to testify against my parents but since I was still living with them and had nowhere else to go, she kept intimidating me and told me that if I don't retract my statement, she will literally end me, try to put me into jail for ''prostitution'' because I sent some nudes because she has money, knows the law and has a good lawyer and I have nothing. I was 16, alone and so fucking terrified. So I did. I retracted the statement and then the cops kinda tried to victim-blame me?? I don't really remember, but after that my mother acted like what I got was deserved, that she's a good mother and she just pretended to act as nothing happened and like we're a big happy family. She still reminds me about it sometimes and blames it on me. I wish I had more help and support back then so I could've put her in jail, where she belongs.  
The other time was after she found out I had cut myself, she got drunk again and came over with a knife, grabbed me by my hair, and was practically dragging me on the floor by it, saying how she will gladly help me kill myself if I want it so bad.

My mental health has been really, really bad since I was around 14? Maybe even younger, but I honestly can't recall that far. I've been diagnosed as an adult with clinical depression, social anxiety disorder but my doctors also believe I have bipolar disorder, I would disagree and say borderline fits me more over the years, because I relate to all of the symptoms as well as PTSD or C-PTSD. It's been getting remarkably harder over the years to cope and to live, and no matter how many doctors I've seen or how many meds I've taken, it stays the same. I can barely take care of myself, I forget to eat, clean, keep up with personal hygiene, and any and all daily habits that should be normal to me as an adult. Even the slightest stressful event sends me into a breakdown, I cry, I scream and shout, I hit myself, I dissociate and sometimes feel delusional, out of touch with reality, like nothing is real and nothing I do matters, and I get very suicidal, similarly like today. I get these anger spells and almost blackout, I break or throw stuff, I hit myself without even feeling it and after a while I snap out of it, see what I've done, and just break down crying over it, hating myself and wanting to fix it. And it keeps getting worse.

Back in 2017 I had decided to take a gap year to decide where I wanna study, if I wanna study, maybe try working, you know, just trying to see what sticks so I can go on with my life. My mother forbade me and forced me to enroll in a uni, which I did. I got into a single one and started studying. My mental health being the way it was, I was unable to focus, had and still have no motivation, don't understand even the simplest of things, have a hard time reading text or following what's going on and so I was trying my best to learn and study while struggling all the way. I failed four exams in 2018 and had to choose between getting kicked out or taking an academic leave and trying to retake those classes, which I did. I retook them, fixed my grades, and passed the exams. But I was still living with my abusive parents and so my mother kept harassing me daily, I had no privacy or life, I was just forced to study 24/7. After one of our daily arguments, mom told me to get the fuck out of her house, and so I did. I found a flat, spent all my savings, and moved out, and after I did, she got so damn pissed that I left lol. At first didn't talk to me but later kept asking me to come back. I found a job but the flat was very expensive and shit, neighbors were violent alcoholics, tried to break into my flat once and I was just terrified, even sleep there. After three months of this and working, I started breaking down at work and just fell apart, my flat was full of trash and I just couldn't cope or care for myself anymore. Mom offered me to go back to university and in return, she will let me live in her spare flat, so I could be alone. At that moment it seemed like a perfect idea like it would save me from the shit I had. But I had forgotten how controlling and fucked up she is and that she would just control me more afterward. I got back into uni and moved into my current flat and the control and stalking ensued. Daily calls, daily messages: what are you doing? with whom? why? when? go out with me, why not? Why don't you want your mother? I've done so much for you! Constant guilt-tripping I don't want her, that she sacrificed everything for me and I ended up such shit, if she would've known, she wouldn't have tried. Even now, during a pandemic, she keeps texting me wanting to go out and I keep having to tell her its a pandemic, we have a quarantine, we shouldn't go out and I don't want to but she keeps getting pissed at me and finding these excuses that it doesn't matter, I HAVE to go. If I don't answer her call or two, she threatens to come over to my flat, demanding to know what's going on, where am I, etc. I can't have my own plans, opinions, decisions, anything.  
The most recent event I had with her when I finally went outside to the store to buy some food because I was feeling a little better and was determined to clean up and throw all the trash out etc, I come back to my flat-locked differently than I left it. I immediately knew it was my mother but tried to reassure myself that maybe it isn't and entered the flat. It was. She came over randomly and let herself in and was sitting there, furious, waiting for me. Since she saw the state of the flat, she interrogated me where I was and then screamed at me for a good 30 minutes and then brought up the fact that she found my dildo (lol I'm an adult fuck off Karen) in my closet last summer after she was rummaging through my shit yet again and so according to her, if I have a dildo I must be a whore and a prostitute and started grilling me why I had one, do I ''like'' it and where do I put it, how do I put it and why?? Just, very uncomfortable, violating, and humiliating questions. She then claimed it must've been my friend that supplied me with this dildo and do I sell illegal stuff and to stop talking to the only friend I have because she is a bad influence on me. I was 22 when this happened lol.

So, coming back to the present day, I'm daily and breaking down after each time she calls me. Most of her calls is just her wanting to chat and then yelling at me because my tone is bad and complaining about me, saying how lazy I am, how fat I am, I should do this, that, etc etc.  
I failed more exams, I'm forced to take another academic leave but my mother forbids me. I don't have a choice but she doesn't care. I can't quit uni either because I'll have to pay 1500 euro that I owe them and I have nothing. So I'm essentially stuck in here too. I can't get a job because my uni schedule is so fucked, I could only work at night but I couldn't manage that.  
All I want is a normal mother, some support, and help to get through this and so I could make my own decisions and get my life back and try to heal and be happy, but I know I can't have that either.

In an ideal world, if only I had enough money to pay off my uni so I could maybe quit and pack up my lovely pets and move out or move in with my partner and try to rebuild what I've lost, that would be perfect... I would even like to attempt uni again after I got to a hospital or get the help I need if I have the support and the money. But I have no idea how to get so much money so fast and how to function by myself.

Does anyone else have a similar story to mine? How did y'all get out of it? How did y'all deal/cope with everything? Should I attempt in making a GoFundMe or something for help, if those work? If you have any tips or resources or literally anything, I will be forever grateful to hear all of them out. And please don't report me lol, I hate cops and I can't handle any more shit aha.  
Thank you so much for your time ;\_\_;