Hi everybody. This is something I’ve been struggling with for a while. First off, I felt the need to say that I have never been to therapy or been properly diagnosed with anything. However, I know I have anxiety and depression. I have for years, it’s extremely obvious to me and close friends I’ve had. I’m thinking it could be something bigger, because I feel like I don’t experience the typical symptoms of depression all the time. And that brings me to the main reason I feel like people aren’t concerned about me and I feel as if I am “faking” it. 

Some of the symptoms I have (with depression) are pretty typical: constantly feeling empty and hopeless and deeply alone, having no energy or motivation to do anything, and as of lately, suicidal thoughts. However, I do frequently have feelings of hope throughout the day, whether that be from reading a book, watching a TV show, or talking to a friend. But for the most part I feel very sad and empty, and will return to feeling that way very quickly. I also feel desperate to talk to just about anybody frequently. I only have one true friend, and though I talk to a few people on apps like Snapchat here and there, I don’t have a genuine connection with them. I also don’t have a connection with my family at all really. They have caused me a lot of emotional pain and I pretty much stay in my room avoiding them every day. And since I’m never really connecting with anybody and constantly feeling awful, I turn to that one true friend I have very often. It’s definitely become unhealthy, and I have begun to rely on them more and more through the years. They are quite the opposite, they struggle with depression and anxiety too, but frequently isolate themselves and don’t open up. They used to though, and it’s pretty much like the script has been flipped. They used to feel very desperate to talk to me when they were in a really bad place. Now, I am the one that feels desperate to talk to them all the time, while they feel the need to take care of it on their own. This has made me feel like I’m not truly depressed, because of how I desperately want to talk to them and open up about how I feel. But given my situation it does make sense to me. I have one person I can really talk to and be honest with, so I feel a sense of urgency to talk to them everyday. I am desperate for a connection. Sometimes I’ll even want to hang out with just about anybody, because I feel so hopeless and deeply alone. It is incredibly hard to sit alone with everything each and every day, and feel the intense emotional pain. Honestly I have to stop sitting with it at one point because if I let myself wallow in it, I just feel like nothing is worth it and I have no reason to continue on. I feel so abnormal for not isolating myself for weeks at a time, like I know a lot of people do with depression. I’ve had the one friend of mine tell me I look like I’m ok, and it shatters me. At one point they were in my shoes, and they were suffering too, so I don’t understand why they assume I’m ok. I know I shouldn’t focus too much on that, but It makes me think I need to purposely isolate myself so they will know how I feel is not something I’m lying about. I feel so alone it is excruciating. Most of all I feel this sense of desperation to be understood, to be heard, to be believed. I know that this was a lot. If anybody relates or has any advice, I would really appreciate it. I hope you all are doing ok.