I’m gonna ramble bc I literally have no one in my life I can’t talk to. 

I’m 25, share an apartment with my SO of 5 years, have a dog, have a paid off car in my name, a job in the career I went to school for that pays enough to cover my bills and then some. My life, by all means, is a good one. But, I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I’ve suffered from depression and suicidal ideation since I was 12 years old. It ebbs and flows, sometimes better and sometimes worse. But always a constant in my life. I have no friends, I’ve never been able to maintain a friendship. All I have is my partner and I try my best not to put that all on him since it’s not fair to either of us, especially him. But, I’m so fucking tired and so fucking alone. I look at my life, and I think to myself, “is this it?”. Is this all I have to look forward to? Go to work, come home, lay in bed for hours bc I don’t have the energy to do anything else, go to sleep, and repeat it all the next day? I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to just exist, but I don’t know how to do anything else. I’m taking it day by day bc I can’t stomach to plan any further. 

People say to think of the little things that make life worth living and I do and nothing would be enough to keep me here if I actually decided to do something about my suicidal thoughts. The only reason I haven’t is bc of my mom. The literal only reason. And that excuse is getting harder and harder to hold onto bc I am just so tired. I’m exhausted with the act of living and how much work it is just to survive. Survive for what? To live on a planet we are quickly killing, to make shallow small talk with my clients at work, to come home to the monotonous routine my partner and I have created, to see the friends I once held dear move on with their lives bc I can’t find the energy to pick up the damn phone? 

It’s been 13 years. When does it get better? I’m on medication, I’m in therapy, I am trying. I just need insight from other people who also feel the same. How do you find the will to make it another day when it’s the last thing you want to do?