i feel like i am stuck in an endless loop between wanting to get better but never actually pursuing the means to do so and just straight up deciding it’s not worth it.

i don’t know why i can’t get myself to do anything that will help me. sometimes i feel like i don’t deserve it. i cut off everyone close to me because i feel like i don’t deserve love or affection. i refuse to eat for days because i don’t think i deserve nourishment. i am so quick to punish myself for anything but i absolutely refuse to care for myself. 

the thing that makes me really feel crazy, however, is how self aware i am that i am hurting myself in every way i possibly can. most of the time i don’t really feel alive, it always feels like i’m watching someone else’s life through their eyes, like i’m a passenger in my own body.

i don’t know if scared is exactly what i mean when i think of getting better, but i couldn’t think of a better description. it’s not that i don’t want to, but this sad, empty, go-through-the-motions way of life is all i’ve ever known how to do. i don’t remember what life was like before all the mental illness. i don’t know how to solve this or exit this loop i’m in. on top of that, i don’t know how much longer i can live like this. i can’t get myself to help myself, and i am very quickly running low on reasons to continue to stick around.