I know this type of stuff comes with the territory but it's getting to a point where I just, it's really hard to deal with. I'm accustomed to not being in the mood to enjoy things I normally would but lately, and this has been a reoccurring issue, I want to commit to these hobbies but I find when I end up doing them it's not without immense discomfort.

For instance, if I'm playing a video game, I find myself becoming extremely irritated/agitated and combative with others(if it's a video game with other people). Even though I'm in the mood to do these things, it's completely tarnished by how I act. Normally I'm a really chill person, I strive to be kind to others and understanding, but the moment something in my real life bothers me or sets me off, it's like I am on a rampage and lash out at anything or anyone and I can't do it anymore. It literally conflicts with who I want to be at the core and because of this it than becomes a vicious loop of me hating myself, feeling shameful and being confused at why I can't just "act normal". I use to be a really toxic person in that sense and I worked on it for years and all of that progress is being reverted past an acceptable point, to me, of "relapse".

Let's say I finally get in the mood to try being creative and draw, it has an ill effect there are well. If I'm unable to accomplish what I think I should be capable of or what I envision, I instantly turn it on myself. I start thinking about how I suck at everything I do, how I'm a failure and it just incites another vicious cycle that just erodes at my sanity and my well being. No matter what it is, I find ways to turn it on myself or lash out at others and it's making me feel worst than I usually do.

I know part of it is because I'm literally living in a toxic setting and there is no escape. I can't go on a walk because of the neighborhood, I can't &gt;!self medicate!&lt; like I use to, I can't avoid the people here, I just have to keep putting up with this toxic situation that only serves to confirm every negative thing I think about myself. I have no real support, I can't go on meds again nor do I want to after my last attempt and having a severe reaction. I just, the little silver linings I try and keep for myself are being completely erased and I'm finding no matter where I look I feel immense agony and pain. The only safe space I had was sleep but now that I'm starting to remember my dreams again that isn't even a safe space anymore. Oh yea and I finally found a BPD community discord that I liked but like most things I convinced myself I didn't belong there and isolated myself so I don't even have that anymore.