I don't know but is it just me, but I tend to dissociate a lot in class and driving. It's really bad I have almost been in accidents. Usually, I would just come out of that trance in a nick of time. It's like my brain just starts sounding an alarm off right before I have to brake. During the times I disscoiate I don't really even realize it. It's like my mind goes blank. It's not even like I am looking from another body, It's like in those moments I am not there cognitively. It happens a lot in lab class as I tend to screw up. I am really slow and forget to read lab directions. I was abused by my father until my mom and I left him 1.5 years ago. I am 22 by the way.  My other siblings went through abuse but they left for college out of country and state. None of them face the same issues. So they didn't really have to deal with it much. My dad targeted me because I would defend my mom when he beat her. So in return, I would get beat over defending her and nonexistent grievances. My dad abused my family mentally and physically. I am literally fucked up, I have anger issues, anxiety, and depression. I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD. I have been suicidal pretty much my whole life. I can't keep friendships, because people look at me and treat me like I am really dumb. I also tend to ruin them, because the only thing I can offer is being sad. People don't like sad and miserable people. I take things very personally and will get suicidal over silly things. Like if I screw up in a lab, I blame myself for weeks and will want to hurt myself. I also have very low self-esteem. I feel empty and am not even part of society. I feel like an outcast. I have come up with so many suicide plans, but I always end up wavering due to religion being engrained into me. I am scared of suffering even more. i am honestly thought really at the end of my rope now because it's getting really difficult to control the impulse of just jumping in front of a truck or eating pills. I really feel like people would be better off without me. I have no job because I have difficulty in learning things and being fast. I am not good at anything in school. I look at myself objectively, I see myself as a useless human being that just needs to end it.