I honestly feel kind of mad when I see life going well for others. Especially my friend who has the bpd diagnosis. She's rarely ever freaking out, she has a stable relationship, her own place, she has a baby now too and couldn't be happier. Like why does she get to be happy especially when she should be like me? Don't get me wrong, I am happy for her and I don't wish any bad to happen. I just hate myself, I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm never going to be in a good place in life. No one wants me because of my bpd and asexuality, and I can't support myself because I have too many crippling mental health problems. I didn't even get to enjoy my teenage years since I tried to kill myself when I was 13 and all that followed that was more pain each year. Now while my best friend works hard and is about to go to college, my brother works at an art gallery and travels, everyone I see around me is growing up and moving on, I'm here. In my room 24/7. A dissociating, violent meltdown having, autistic, stressed, depressed, suicidal, piece of shit who can't go 20 minutes without intruding thoughts brought on by my ptsd that make me want to be alone forever but then bpd chimes in and tells me I need to grab onto anyone I can and pretend to love them so I can feel secure and be taken care of. Seriously why can't I be like everyone else? Be able to get a job, save money, go on summer vacations with family and actually do things instead of locking myself away in the hotel room crying, get a boyfriend and have a sex drive so I can have society's so-called "healthy relationship", etc etc. 

I'm probably going to end up dead before 22 if things continue like this even with counseling. Let's see how the next couple years go