Im so tired of having depressive episodes every single day. I’m tired of waking up and going to sleep with so much anxiety. I’m tired of being at work where all I can think of is that I don’t understand why I have to work just so that I have money to live. I don’t even want to live in the first place and you’re telling me I will even have to spend all my time working for it? This is so fucking stupid. I hate myself and I hate this entire world. I’m not even just depressed and miserable anymore, I just feel genuinely sad. My heart is actually hurting. I’m in so much pain simply because I exist and I am incapable of ever expressing my negative emotions. There’s just something wrong with my brain. Even when I was a really young child I’d hide whenever I cried. I was NEVER able to talk about how much I suffer by living. I know tomorrow morning I’ll probably just feel neutral and anxious again and think I was being dramatic but I honestly don’t want to go through this heartbreak every single day even if it does pass for a while. I’m so incredibly lonely and I will be forever cause I isolate myself so much. I am convinced that I’m the worst human to ever exist. I don’t even have enough worth to call myself a person. Like seriously I always feel like that, even outside of the episodes. I’m just truly incapable. I’m stupid and bad at everything I do. I can’t do anything right and nothing I do will ever be enough. I’m so tired of being. Why the fuck am I so sensitive if I literally have to internalize all my feelings. I can’t do this anymore. I get hurt if someone even just speaks to me in the wrong tone and I immediately convince myself that they hate me and that I’m absolutely worthless. How am I supposed to survive in a world full of mean people when I can’t even deal with the kind people around me. This makes it sound like I myself am kind but that isn’t even the case. I feel like crying whenever I think someone disapproves of me but I literally judge everyone. I literally enjoy seeing people suffer. I can’t even tell myself that I’m just too nice for this world because I really am mean. There’s not a single positive thing about me. Nothing I’m even remotely good at. Perhaps I’m good at being a fraud and making people think I’m not as bad as I actually am. But then again I’m not sure how good I’m actually at that, maybe I’m just pitiful. I wish I was at least pretty. I wish I could at least make up for it with looks and tell myself that I’ll just marry someone wealthy. But I’m even fucking ugly and disgusting with the worst personality and the most boring interests.