Posting here because I fear dropping the burden of my mental health on my friends would distance me from them like it has before,

I've been living in my own for a while now, lost a long term relationship a while back, and now I just don't know what to do anymore, I follow my path through education like I wanted to, I go out drinking with friends, I play video games, I'm losing a lot of weight, I laugh a lot, but when it comes down to midnight, I usually withdraw to the same feelings that I'm not good enough, that I can't be.

Despite all my hurdles that I've taken to better myself, at the end of it all I just tend towards being sat on my own smoking a bunch to try to numb it all away.

Spoke to my best friend earlier and it got onto mental state and I just had to explain to her that the things, the pain that runs through my mind is something I've never opened up to anyone about, I'm so scared to be vulnerable now... I was like that for them but, well, they saw to it that I'm too scared to be anymore...

Clarity: I'm relatively safe from myself, I don't really get suicidal, or at least it's only happened once a long time ago, I just wish I could be happy in my own brain.

That's me, help everyone.