Let me preface this by saying it isnt strictly bpd related so feel free to ignore me and go about your business 

Ok. i have been diagnosed with bpd years ago, now i have a hypothesis that i also have had and still have undiagnosed  adhd (went to my gp for a referral for assessment a week or two ago, he basically said this is the uk and youre an adult ergo youre shit out of luck....

Right so essentially i have no goals and no motivation. I have no direction in life all i get is feasible romanticized ideas/plans that im 100% on board with and they seem like a fantastic idea/path for me to go down....i lose all interest and i lose all ability to apply even an ounce of effort. Part of my mind is more than willing but i can never (well honestly? Almost never) bring myself to actually do anything remotely productive or useful including the most basic of chores. It has now reached the point where im a  3rd year psych student who so far this year turned in no work for assessment (essentially ignored i think 2 essays 1 grant proposal a presentation and currently a group project) and my 3rd year experiment/dissertation? Its due friday and i havent even completed the ethics form/even have a solid idea and plan as to what i want to achieve.

This is in no way a lack of want. Of course i want to succeed rub it in everyone's face that even with everything in my life i can still achieve lime a normal person. I sit there and i feel almost a physical force/resistance when i try to begin work. Its often so overwhelming that i make lazy impulsive awful easily solvable issues as to why im now going to do something else and pick the work up later. Even if i manage to begin the work i soon lose interest and get easily distracted. Im literally days away from failing university completely. And no-one knows quite how bad it is. I have also been completely blanking the universities emails burying my head in the sand. I guess im waiting for impulsivity to get me out of my jam.

If im completely honest im at the end of my rope/tether. Not sure how ill be able to cope when it fully sinks in how much ive fucked up this time. Ive started to consider ending it all (not just due to uni ofc) theres very little that suicide doesnt solve for a person and ive always found comfort in  that. I have no actual plans for it at the time of writing btw. 

I am terrified of reaching out to the university at the 11th hour, there are far too many unknown variables. Again i know i should and if anyone else was in this situation i would tell them to contact the university ASAP. I have never taken my own advice and i feel the almost physical resistance when i sit down to have a go at typing it out. 

I just dont know what to do anymore im so very tired of fighting everyday to accomplish even the most basic and necessary of task (even self care inc eating) im tired of everything it is all just one long tiring grind but without any form of achievements to show for it.