

I feel awful. I am legitimately a failure by all means. I’m so deep in this hole I’ve dug myself. It might not even sound that bad but you don’t know all the details. 

The worst part is that I actually love school, I dreamed of going to college since I was 11 years old. I love my classes, my professors, my degree and my college. I have always wanted to go grad school, get a PhD, be an academic. Ironically, I have proven again and again that I can’t even finish my undergrad degree. 

I don’t know if it’s just “me,” or my mental health, or what, but after four years of receiving accommodations and interventions of various sorts including lots of time off school for me to figure out my shit I’ve just gotten worse. I recently tried school again and failed —badly —once again though I was so excited and hopeful. I was always a really ambitious and passionate student, school is my favorite thing in the world, was the only thing I was good at. I don’t know what to do. My family still expects me to somehow get a PhD or do something else equally impressive. I don’t know how to get them to see that I’m not cut out for anything like that I have really  really really failed, despite all the help I’ve gotten. I am about to give up on undergrad. My family will be so angry. It’s my fault. I want to die. It’s clearly not for me though I want it to be and keep trying. I’m so scared of the future. This is not what I was supposed to do. I have failed everyone again and again. 

I’ve been given chance after chance, including 2 leaves of absence to sort my mental health out, disability testing accommodations, a reduced course load, multiple therapists, an outpatient intensive program, and incredibly expensive stay in inpatient, ADHD medication, depression medication, antipsychotic medication, more therapy, and most recently EMDR. I failed again for the millionth time. I don’t want to give up, everyone will be disappointed in me, school was thing I was supposed to excel in, but after repeated failure I think it’s time to be realistic. I don’t know what to do. I have no skills. No one wants me to work for them. I come from a world where success is expected. Honestly I feel like I was meant to be a sex worker. Maybe the one thing I’m moderately good at is sex and being used…