Don't really know what I want from this post, so I guess its really just to vent. Also a throw-away for obvious reasons.

&amp;#x200B;

Either way, I (24/M) have had social anxiety since my early teen years, probably as a response to being the 'immigrant' kid and not fitting in immediately to a new culture. But either way, here I am. My anxiety manifests primarily through avoiding any opportunity for rejection, both in personal and professional life. When I got rejected from my top choice university, I had such a severe depression I had a really bad depressive bout, when I first started looking for jobs and got an interview that didn't result in an offer, I couldn't bring myself to look for jobs and decided to go to grad school (I had good enough grades to continue a grad program at my school without needing to apply). The latest bout is down to realizing that I'm now in my mid 20's and seeing so many of my friends get engaged or start their lives and I've never really been in a serious relationship because I'm too afraid to seek it (in fact the only time I've been intimate with a girl is when I was severly drunk, which eases my anxiety, ofcourse the problem with being drunk is that you sober up, and a drunk me is an infinitely better, confident, funnier, and charming person than sober me). I don't mean to sound like an incel, and I don't blame anyone for my problems but myself (in fact I think I've convinced myself that I'm not worthy of love), and it really isn't about sex for me as it is about my fear of dying alone. Trying Tinder has only made it worse as I rarely get any matches (which only worsens my self image as I'd like to think that while not a male model by any means, I don't think I'm a slouch either) and even when I match my anxiety rarely allows me to make the first move. In fact my most recent match only threw me for a spin as after talking to this girl for a day and everything going well we decide to meet up, only for her to hit me with a 'background check' site that is an obvious scam (and I spent hours trying to convince myself its not only to find 10 other reasons to believe that it is, because I'm that pathetic). Admittedly I have a personality of a rubber flip flop (something that I'm trying to fix) as I have worked hard over the years to purge myself of any personality trait that I think might be seen as weird by anyone for any reason. I have tried therapy with limited success (in part because I'm afraid of what my therapist will think of me), though it has led me to try and 'reverse' some aspects of my anxiety (like trying to not hide my personality). And while I have friends I'm afraid of showing this side of me because I still deep down think that they don't actually like me very much and just tolerate me. 

&amp;#x200B;

Either way, sorry for the long rambling post, but I just needed to get it out, as I really don't have anyone to talk to that I would trust to actually tell them the full story, so screaming into the void helps probably. I apologize for the self-loathing.