I was dating this girl. The first date went very well, I was feeling confident and we had great chemistry. She was really cool. 

Unfortunately, I got carried away with myself. I started idealizing her, thinking she was the one for me. I became extremely attached way too fast. I pictured us falling in love and getting married. We just had a lot in common, and I thought to myself “this is it.” I tried my best to control it, to remind myself it wasn’t a big deal. 

Our second date was much better, I played it very cool and we were having a great time. Eventually she wanted to go home. Out of nowhere, my abandonment issues shot through the roof. I panicked and I started to feel rejected and insecure. I asked her to stay with me a few more times, not because I wanted sex but because I thought if she left it meant she didn’t like me and wouldn’t want to see me anymore. 

Of course, my attempts to keep her close pushed her away. 

Needless to say, she thought it was way too pushy and intense and she dumped me. She was cool and understanding about it, but I basically had a breakdown while apologizing and it was really embarrassing. 

Since then, I have been extremely depressed. I have spent an inappropriate amount of time (months) grieving this. I have felt like my world is over, like I’ll die alone. Like I could’ve been in love and I ruined it. I’m mindful enough to know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but it makes me feel worse to know I am anyway. 

I have been fighting the urge to apologize again, to call or reach out, to send a message or whatever. I know I’ve already made myself look insane. I know it would be Hoovering and I don’t want to be manipulative or hurt her any more than I have. It just fucking sucks to know that you messed up and it’s your fault. I have to fight the overwhelming urge to “fix it,” but I know I can’t. 

Right now, I am feeling so much guilt, shame, embarrassment, emptiness, all of it. 

I’m trying to get over it but I can’t.