I know it sounds dumb but I know that without a doubt i will leave this earth without ever having truly been loved, I feel like i’m spinning into a hole of darkness that i will never leave. I always put off relationships with people to focus on other aspects of my life and now it’s too late. I never wanted a partner because of my self doubt and well, to be frank I’m not that attractive and there’s not much i can do about that. Sometimes people are just unattractive. I always thought that I had the rest of my life ahead of my to get in shape and maybe get a nose job to finally find someone who i could spend the rest of my life with. I was diagnosed with cancer at 18, now i’m 21 and there is no more hope left for my body. Every treatment that exists we’ve tried and failed. My body is reduced to skin and bones from what used to be a young healthy person. I am pale and the life is draining from my eyes with every passing day. I wasn’t conventionally attractive before and all of this has made the situation so much worse. I crave the feeling of another persons touch, the warmth of their skin, the feeling of a kiss filled with love that i’ve never had. I have about 3 months until i’m entirely bound to a bed and maybe i’ll make it to see my 22nd birthday before my heart gives out on me. I don’t know why i’m writing this. Maybe just so someone knows before i die, That my last few months were not filled with laughter and love and joy but a sense of longing for a comfort that i will never have. I never had my first kiss or my first date, I’ve never had someone say they loved me or hold me close. I want to feel the embrace of someone, just some one just once. But it’s not like dying people can exactly go on tinder.
If anyone even sees this, Please give your mom a hug for me, kiss your partner with every ounce of love you have for them and hold who ever you love close to your heart.
-Sincerely, A dying soul 💙