I’m writing this because I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been depressed before but this feels like an all time low. It feels like my whole life i’ve suffered with depression. I remember multiple attempts to kill myself and my family having to rally behind me to try to make life bearable for me. I moved into high school and things just got worse. I was bullied for being fat and i went to a school where it was 95% white people. Me and my sisters and a few others making up the 5% other. So of course we were a target for racism (that’s a story for another time). It was then my senior year and my depression was at an all time low. I stopped going to school and would sit in my bed high everyday. I wasn’t showering or eating. I was content to just sit there forever. One weekend my dad invited me to stay the night at his house which was a big deal seeing as none of us had ever spent the night. But both my parents had struggled with depression so I think he just wanted me to know he understood. He died a week later. So back into drugs I went. I graduated barley. I went through the next year trying to cope. When I was 18 I tried to kill myself again and landed myself into an inpatient program for a few days. Life was full of ups and downs between then and now but when I think about it nothing has changed. I’m now 24 years old. A year ago I was doing amazing. I had my first actual relationship, I had a good job. We met online and just instantly clicked. He moved here about 6 months after meeting me and never looked back. We got an apartment and our first ever car. Then around December we quit our jobs because it was a hostile place to work. We both got new jobs and things were okay. I was still depressed but it was manageable. My 24th birthday came and it was horrible. I started to realize that I had no friends, so when it came time to celebrate I was faced with the fact I had no one to invite but my family. I realize how lucky I am that I can even invite them. But it still felt incredibly lonely. That was a couple weeks ago and since then my depression has snowballed. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. I quit my job and have been looking for a new one. But with a new month comes all the bills that we have no money to pay. My boyfriend is selling his xbox (his only escape from the world because he too has depression as well as adhd, Asperger’s, and he is bipolar). He’s selling his favorite shoes. Everything that makes him happy. Last night I tried to kill myself. He got my mom and brother in law as well as my brother to come talk me off the ledge. I agreed to get help but I don’t think i’m worth it. I forgot to mention I have also been in college for the last year and am dropping out. It’s community college and I can’t even finish that. That is how pathetic I am. I feel like a failure. I realize I have no hopes, no dreams or ambition, nothing.  I told him this morning that it feels like i’m out at sea. And that when someone is drowning in the ocean the best thing to do is not help because they could end up drowning you down with them. That what i’m doing to him. I’m drowning and I don’t see an end to it. i tired of trying flailing around trying to not drown. I just want to stop trying and let the ocean pull me under. I’m ready for tonight to be my last. My boyfriend is currently at work and now is the perfect time to do it. So i’m writing this now to let it all out. My only hope is that he and my family find happiness and closure.