I'm 17, this the first time I'm talking ab this even though Ive known for a long time there was something wrong. I look like a normal girl, no one would think anything like this about me. I wrote this really roughly going back n forth between sentences adding things as I thought of it. I have so much to get off my chest because I never ever have. When I was about 14 I got told I 'probably' have autism when I went to a shit camhs appointment. I just told them about how I had social anxiety, insecure, overthink, mood swings etc. From April to about September I did mdma at least twice a week, I've stopped now. I was smoking a spliff earlier with my mate and we were talking about baby pictures, so I looked on my dads Facebook to show her some pics of me as a kid. I don't live with my parents, while I was on mdma almost everyday we went through a very rough patch where I was pretty much kicked out, I've blocked out almost all of it, and can't rly remember much from that time anyway tbh. My parents had no idea I was doing md, and still don't, so keeping my drug addiction, which I didn't realise was a drug addiction until recently, and also hadn't realised how much it had affected me until recently, a secret for that long while also dealing with severe depersonalisation, psychosis, and also general depression which I've had my whole life, looking back. I still haven't rly processed it due to being stoned everyday. When I stop smoking weed for even 2 days I immediately feel better, but whenever I get money I always buy some it's a bad habit, I want to quit maybe starting tonight. Since I started smoking weed everyday about a year ago I feel like I've lost myself. This, combined with months of md abuse have completely destroyed me. It's made all of my issues I had before, which looking back weren't bad at all, and in some ways I feel like I didn't know what depression even felt like until I experienced this. I can't remember any of this past year, and I'm constantly in my own head about everything, and I'm worried it's starting to bring on schizophrenia. I think I need to stay fully sober, I don't know what it is about me, why I can't enjoy drugs and why they affect me so badly. And also how much I wish I could take it all back and still be living with my parents, tell them how much I love them, how I don't mean any horrible things I say, that I forgive them for not knowing how to deal with me, for how an angry decision while I was manic when I was kicked out caused all of this, how I haven't even gotten out of this constant brain fog depression that ive been in until recently, where I started realising I need to find genuine happiness, and not spend all of my life stoned and disassociated. I wish I could have it all back, and I don't know how to fix it because they don't know anything about why this happened. They think I just hated them, genuinely, and that I was just a nasty child, when I want them to know how much I genuinely love them more than anything, I just dont understand the world and I'm aware of it now and it scares me. I wish I could go back to my childhood and be normal. Live a normal life. I don't know what's wrong with me and this is the first time I've let any of this off my chest. While I was looking at the pictures I realised how there was a jump from one picture to the next in maybe a year timespan max, where I went from average to overweight very quickly at about age 7 or 8. From there I got very big, when I was starting year 7 I was about 14 stone. I got bullied severely, obviously, and I stopped eating anything other than a sandwich made of 2 wafer chicken slices and a  waburton bread thin after school to keep my mum happy. I dropped from 14 stone to about 10 stone in about 6 months and everyone switched up so quickly. I believe the reason I was so big was due to depression at a young age. I comfort ate because I was bored, or sad, or needed to deal with something. I had one friend, because I was homeschooled from year 3 because I didn't get on at school and one teacher had a thing against me and a few other children in my class, so my mum decided to home school me. I also think I showed autistic traits, but my parents refused to get help for it. They admitted recently that they knew there was something wrong but they 'didnt want people medelling'. I wish they got me help so bad, because things could be so different. I love my parents but looking back, the way they dealt with my probably autistic symptoms was wrong,  when I would have a meltdown as a child I could get violent, and my dad would then hold me down and smack my butt and thighs rly hard, to the point I couldn't feel them sometimes. I wish they just made me sit and calm down, and not let me have as many chocolate bars as I asked for. My parents are also big which probably contributed as well. I wish I redo everything differently.