All I want to do is hold you in my arms. All I want to do is kiss your lips again. Run my hands through your hair. Is it selfish? I know it is. All I can think of me, my pain and my loss, and how I want you to feel it too, as disgusting as that is. All the things I will never see again, hear again, experience with you. I don’t want to forget the way your voice sounds, the silhouette of your body as you lie peacefully asleep. Hell, I’d give anything just to hear your snoring again, because that would mean I’m in the same bed as you.  I’ve just been laying in bed all day, hugging scooby and my sweatshirt because they smell like you. All of our time together and  memories just play in my head over and over, I miss you so goddamn much because I know now that this is it. I went to the view spot and cried until there were no tears left, I just had to go there one last time. You’re gone and there’s nobody to blame but myself. I can scream and sob all I want but you’re not coming back, we’re not coming back. I’ll never be able to express all that I feel to you, watch the stars with you, tickle you and hear your laugh, scratch your back as you nod off to sleep, draw and paint you even though I can never quite capture how beautiful you are, spend my life with you. I’ve never loved someone so much, everything about you ignited my heart, and it scared me. I could’ve just sat there and stared at you for hours, taken in every small detail, everything that made you, you. I’ve split on people before, almost everyone I’ve ever met, but I know full and well I could never have painted you black, I never thought bad things about you and I never will. You never left my mind from the moment we met, even when I was ignoring you, you were there in my mind. I could never hate you or hold any sort of malice towards you. The perfect and effortlessly crafted being before me. I’ll never understand how we ended up together, how someone like you tolerated someone like me. All my stupid jokes, my selfishness, my infinite flaws and outbursts. The moment we locked eyes at Jake’s I felt it, the blossoming of feelings never felt, I was selfish and should have stopped it there, saved us both from heartbreak. You stood by me though, more than anyone ever has. I let you see all the cracks and crevices, I let you see my darkness and yet somehow you stayed. I wanted to know you, I wanted to know everything. All your doubt, all your dreams, all your thoughts and feelings. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder, I’m sorry I was there for you as much as I’d have liked to have been, I’m sorry I was so caught up in myself that I neglected you. Somehow you allowed me to be in your presence and experience the blinding light emitting from your soul. The warmth and love and indescribable connection. I dreamt of you last night, I dreamt you had moved on and although it hurt, I was glad I got to see that wonderful smile of yours just one more time, it’ll never be as good as it was when it was me you were smiling at. I should have never hurt you, I should have ignored my heart and shut you out the moment I laid eyes on you because I knew in the end I’d destroy you or destroy myself in the process of trying to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Life isn’t movie and I know every relationship takes work, but some people are unlovable, Carter. Some people you can’t save. I will never love myself, I will never be the person that can give you what you deserve even though I wish more than anything I was. I’d die for you, I’d do everything possible to make you happy and that is why I had to end it. It makes me sick thinking of you with another, thinking of me with another, but I know it is what is best. I now know what love is, because even though letting you go is the most painful thing I’ve ever faced, I love  you too much to let you be drawn into the void along side me. I can’t stand to see the pained look in your eyes anymore. I just can’t. There is your reason. I want everything to fall in place for you and in time it will.