So for awhile I’ve been wanting to end my life, at some point in the last month or so I stopped being afraid of death like I was previously when considering. I realized whatever is on the other side won’t matter anyways because the pain will have all stopped for me already. 

However, I watched the devil all the time with Tom Holland and Robert Pattinson and the scene came on where the sister hung herself and although it was an accident it really triggered something inside of me and I can’t stop thinking about hanging myself. I think about it constantly and it’s strong imagery in my mind and where i’d do it, how i’d do it, who id say goodbye to, etc. 

I’m in second year university and I guess I can always go to law school, I do well in school but I just don’t care. I’ll start to cry and then a minute in i’ll think about how ridiculous it is to waste energy and cry and I just stop. Ill just sit there and i’ll stay up all night until I have to do schoolwork the next morning. The cycle repeats. 

I literally could not care less about what happens to me. I have one friend maybe I see sometimes and other than that there’s no reason for me to keep carrying on like this. I know so many people around me will consider me cowardly but I’ve been fighting this internal battle inside my head so long all I want to do is just sleep forever. I am disgusted in the fact I am perceived by everyone around me. Masks actually help, but I hate my figure showing through my clothes or my boobs because if there’s any chance it will attract someone’s eyes I immediately feel awful dysmorphia. I think a big part of my suicidal ideation is triggered by my dysmorphia. Not even dysmorphia about my body type, but the fact I have a body and I have subsequent side things I have to deal with because of my body. 

I just want to be invisible and float around or something, I absolutely don’t understand how I currently contribute to anyone’s life at all or society. I just hate feeling this way