I had a couple days where I felt normal. So normal, in fact, that I started to feel like a fake. Two friends had been hospitalized for mental health stuff. Another was coming to me for advice for being diagnosed with BPD. I gave good advice.

And then today the question, "when is the other shoe gonna drop?" Was answered. 

I've binged on food. I feel bloated and want to die. I weighed myself and I'm up from 153 to 158...so then I fucking ate more food. I want everyone to leave me alone. I follow a subreddit dedicated to my bf's celebrity crush (because I hate myself) and I keep seeing pictures of this gorgeous person while I look/feel terrible. Can't stop thinking about how our friend might want to hook up with us this weekend, and will I have the emotional energy for that? Because I'm currently a fucking inch from attaching to her in an unhealthy way, too. Gotta do my fucking taxes, gotta get my car worked on, gotta get back to fucking mental health services, gotta fucking get my IUD replaced...

Everything is piling up and I'm beginning to freak the fuck out. With two friends going into inpatient in the last month, I feel simultaneously relieved, jealous, and like a fake. Glad it wasn't me, but fuck I wish I could rest like they did, however i must not be suffering that bad if I'm still here.

I wish it was Friday tomorrow because I'm tired...but also don't want Friday to come because of the friend who wants to hook up.

Just...fucking drown me or something.