CW: abuse

everytime i get into an argument with my abusive fp i automatically go 'oh well you're gaslighting them' even though i have proof of them abusing me. even if i know i haven't done anything i fucking beat myself up about "abusing" them bc of my other fucking trauma. i will go from being upset that theyre abusing me instantly to 'no they haven't done anything wrong and even if they had i deserve it'. i fucking hate this shitty disorder and all the fucking bullshit that comes with it.