It seems like everyone just assumes that happiness is the state you should strive for. That joy and contentment is what everyone should find.

But... no. I'm not interested in that. I really don't want to be happy.

I wish I could stop taking my worthless meds and get the guts to tell my therapist I don't want to go anymore. I realize I took too many steps in "improvement" when it's really not something I'm interested in. 

I just want to reach a mental position where I can off myself. No more, no less. I see no value in being happy. Even when I am "happy", I'm disgusted by it. The mere fact that I'm happy is an affront to my principles. 

I don't even know why I vent. I want to stop. I hate venting, I hate talking about it, I hate downing a billion fucking meds, I hate being alive. 

Fuck me...