Last night was beyond traumatic. I went as far as putting notes on the door to not shoot my dog for the cops, drafted and scheduled emails to go out after, wrote my mom a note.

The 3 most important people in my life over the last 3 years have all become places of pain and rejection. All 3 intentionally were hanging up on me or ignoring me. 

It’s so hard, I wish they realized the hurt here and it’s as if only if I was dead will they realize shit I should have gone there. 

Now today, I am alive. I should stay away from them forever and I want to find a way to block out and prevent myself from ever engaging again and somehow try to find a reason to live without them. It’s as if my entire life prior is ruined and over and I want to start new. I don’t know how to start new. 

I have traumatized them and the shame of even…. Hoping they call me to ensure I’m alive or whatever is actually so hard. I want to lose my desire to salvage anything and remove any self worth tied to them and memory of knowing them or their impact. 

I just started a program but I know I know that if I could just cut them out mentally it’s the best thing and I don’t know how. Frankly, it breaks my heart that my life seemingly mattered so little. I was crying out for help.