I (27) started dating very young and not surprisingly they have all been unhealthy, toxic, and oftentimes downright abusive relationships. 

My last breakup happened when I was 22 (in 2016) and somehow I never dated again which was new to me. I was realtively stable. Lonely, but stable. And I genuinely thought that I was getting better. Then in 2019, I found out that my ex started seeing someone else and I lost it. I kept calling him and guilting him for so long I think it was 3 months. Towards the end, I was even verbally abusive and I hate myself so much for that. I don't know what took over me, I had never behaved this way before and it seemed like I couldn't stop it. Which is bullshit because I know I had the power to stop it. I am not in any way claiming to be the victim here, I was 100% at fault and my ex has understandably never spoken to me since. The whole thing scared me because it felt like I'm not in control of what I do. And since I know that we are in control of our actions all of this feels so confusing. 

Last year I started a sexual relationship with someone I am too ashamed to admit even anonymously. I had 0 attraction to them, I just gave in to my loneliness. And all the clinginess and insecurity and attention needing followed so quickly. I would beg them to spend time with me. I would read their chats with other people. And all of this when I did not even like them. Thankfully, a few months ago I moved and removed myself from that situation.

Now, the reason I am making this post. The show Loki just ended. I first watched all the Marvel movies at 23 and immediately developed an attachment to Loki as he seemed to be as confused and broken as I was. As I was watching the Loki series now, various videos regarding the show and the actor who plays him would pop up on my youtube feed and I started watching them. It took maybe 3 weeks for me to be obsessed. That actor was all I could think about. I created this whole fantasy of us meeting somehow and him falling in love with me and us having a family together. I started having conversations with him in my head. I would watch his videos first thing after waking up and the last thing before going to bed. He is all I can think about. The conversations in my head turned to conversations out loud when I was alone in my room. 

I actually started getting upset over the made-up scenarios in my head and it was having a negative impact on my mood. I am supposed to be studying for an exam but all I'm doing is thinking about him. I had to stop myself an hour ago as I was freaking myself out. I googled "I am obsessed with a celebrity" and there was a whole Wiki article about it. Reading it, I realized how creepy I was being, and at the end of the article, there was even a disclaimer about contacting someone in case the obsession turns violent. I am feeling so distraught right now. 

I had started listening to an ASMR video of the actor's voice before sleeping as it was helping my anxiety and I was able to fall asleep without any horrible thoughts. For the most part, I find life meaningless and think nothing is worth doing but when my obsession was in an early stage and not problematic, it was actually helping me study as I motivated myself by telling that if I become something maybe I can really meet him. It was all going well for a few days. But now I had to delete the ASMR audios from my phone and use the option of 'not interested' on all the actor's videos on my youtube feed so I won't see them anymore. 

I am feeling so pathetic right now. Why can't I just casually like a person? Why do I have to be so weird and creepy about it? If my impossible even came true somehow and I ever met him, he would be seeking a restraining order against me.  

I made up a whole plan about joining a theatre when I move to a city. This is something I had thought about years ago too. But now even if I do it for my original reasons, it will forever be tainted by this obsession. I'm getting old and I don't feel like I'm fit to live in a society anymore. There are so many horrible things going out there and then there is me. I could be doing something useful and helping the world on some level but I am sitting around fantasizing about having a family with someone who doesn't know I exist.