I don't think I have BPD; my patterns of thought and behavior align better with co-dependency. But some of my experience seems better aligned with BPD. So whether or not I'm diagnosable with BPD (not asking for input on that, as it's against the rules and I don't really want any input on that anyway), I have found this sub to be a great resource for helping me cope.

I have a bizarre situation in my life right now. My therapist is on vacation, so I don't get to see him for another week. I need to put my thoughts out there into something other than a journal. So here goes.

My wife and I decided to open up our marriage about two months ago due to me not being able to be intimate with her in a fulfilling way. After 7 years, she couldn't take it anymore. She found a lovely person to hook up with, who she ended up falling in love with. Now we're in a non-hierarchal vee poly family relationship. She and her friend are thriving, killing it in their careers, in the bedroom, in every way. I'm trying to just get through the day most of the time.

We went into this thinking that sex was the only problem. We were wrong. Maybe it's the root of the problem, but my wife is so angry at me. If I make her mad now, it's like all the years of built-up rage just come out at me.

Last night they were going to have a date night (at home, of course, because of quarantine). I decided to go up to my office and work on stuff so they could have privacy. I *thought* I said I would leave at midnight so I could be there if our 2-year-old woke in the night. I was going to cover that from when I got back until like 2 am, then they would take over if she woke up after that.

I left my office at 12:17. I forgot I had to get gas so it took me even a little longer. When I got there the kid had just woken up and my wife was up trying to put her down. She didn't have her phone. Her girlfriend and I watched her on the monitor. She made some strange hand signs but we couldn't figure out what was going on. We watched patiently while she poured the rest of the wine into three glasses, giving me an enormous glass, kind of jokingly and kind of to be nice (remember, she is truly a wonderful person and I value her friendship). Then we heard a huge crash, which we thought was our other daughter falling out of bed. Turns out it was something in another unit (we're in a townhouse), but the noise fully woke up the 2-year-old, and my wife came running and and said something like "Get the fuck in here, it's about fucking time!" I knew she wanted to go smoke a cigarette, and I was pissed, so I tried to throw the cigarettes over the short wall along the stairs but I missed. Apparently that was seen as throwing something at her girlfriend.

She texted me "You said you would be home at midnight to cover her until 2. You know she wakes up at 12:30 every night."

That is not what I remembered saying. And she doesn't wake up at 12:30 every night. It's more like 1:30. I thought I was being totally reasonable; I cleared out of the house so they could have privacy. I tried to come back when I thought they'd already be in the bedroom. I felt like I was trying to do a good thing.

Anyway, I didn't text her back because I was angry and I was trying to get the kid down. Eventually she asked if I was going to answer her and a text fight ensued. She accused me of being selfish and not considering her needs, ruining her night, throwing something at her girlfriend, and other such things. Fed up with trying to get the kid down while having this text fight, I said I was leaving and that one of them could take her. I left her crying and went and got my go-bag. She texted "Typical." She was right. I couldn't bring myself to leave. By that time she was in the room with the kid. I came back in the house and threw my stuff down, not realizing her girlfriend was in the room. When I got out of the bathroom she had gone upstairs. I texted her an apology but didn't hear back.

I waited outside the kid's room and texted her that I would take over and she could leave. We had a snippy exchange as I went in the room where she told me again that I had said I'd be back by midnight and wouldn't listen to me when I said that wasn't what I said. I eventually just closed the door in her face. I started getting the kid back down. Eventually she got still and calm, and our text fight continued. She kept telling how terrible I had been, and how I ruined everything. I kept alternating between apologizing and trying to accept the blame, but she turned everything I said around on me.

This morning I got the girls dressed and fed and waited for the babysitter (they were going to do that but I said I would, as the least I could do to try to make up for things. She texted me a few logistical things and said she couldn't talk about this yet and needed to get out of the house. I said I couldn't be there either with that kind of tension hanging over things so I came to my office to work (it's private, nobody will even know I'm here).

I like to journal when I'm struggling so I started to. It ended up turning into a list of possible ways to kill myself. Honestly, the only thing keeping me from it is that I feel like that would just be another way to fuck everything up and hurt people.

I want to stop hurting people. I want to stop sabotaging myself. I want to have what I want. I don't know what I want.

I punched myself in the stomach all the way to work. When I got here I tried to smash a coffee cup over my head but it just broke the handle. Now I have a nice goose egg on the top of my head. My wife feels like this is manipulative behavior and I guess she's right. I'm trying to hurt myself in places she can't see (we're not being intimate right now so she won't see under my shirt).

I just feel like everything I touch turns to shit. I tried to do something nice, but I ended up pushing them both away. Why do I keep doing this?

I can't even decide what to think about what she is saying about me. I *think* that I said what I remember saying, and I think that was probably bad judgement on my part; I should have known she might wake up earlier.

But she also only had to be with the kid for 20 minutes. When I got there her girlfriend and I were chatting and enjoying some snacks, watching her on the monitor and cheering her on. I thought she'd get her down in a few minutes, and if not I was prepared to go take over. I just...don't feel like that is unreasonable. I shouldn't have thrown the pack of cigarettes. That was childish and stupid. But then I tried to avoid getting drawn into a fight and it happened anyway. Then I said more mean, selfish, childish, manipulative things, tried to leave, threw things down and just mildly raged in front of her girlfriend.

Now I'm at work, trying to get something productive done, but all I can do is this about this. I just don't know how not to think about it, how not to stress about it.

I don't even know what I'm asking for, really. I just need to vent. Feel free to offer any feedback.