I’ve been on antidepressants for 4 years now and I’m about to finish college. I’ve had no traumatic events or reasons to be depressed. I just have extreme panic and anxiety attacks. I think about death and the meaning of life intensely a lot. I’m balancing my sanity. Lately I’ve been drinking a ton. It’s helped in the short term so much. But now I’m at the point where I feel as if I’m “distracted” from feeling sad. My only true mental state is despair. I use alcohol to take a break from what I’m feeling. But what used to be a break has turned into another self harming device that is extremely appealing. I used to drink just to feel better. But now there is a thrill to drink until I pass out. I think I’m hoping that I don’t wake up. I’ve been working out a lot for the sole reason to improve mental health. It’s helped but I’ve noticed that even though I go I’m still in a dark state afterwards. I’m extremely narcissistic and the only thing that keeps me going is others. I’m realizing that this is the last reason why I should hold on but it’s slowly fading. The weirdest part is is that I love to feel sad and flirt with death. WTF is wrong with me. I’m writing this as like a personal note for how I’m feeling this year. I’ve done this for 4 years now and my other posts are somewhere on here. Feels the same as day one.