I don't want to kill myself or even attempt it because the idea of eternal nothingness is too scary and not a solution in my book, but there's no reason for me to live either. Everything I do seems to be only to survive: have a job, eat, sleep. I'm a very lonely person, living by myself with no nearby friends, no pet and just recently started a relationship that just threw me more into this dark place. 

Can't say I've got much love when I was a kid and definitely didn't get much or any until now either so I know my problem and what I desire the most: feeling genuinely loved by other people. I just want to feel appreciated and loved for who I am, not what I own or my skills. I'm at most needed. I wonder if I would cease to exist tomorrow if people would really care. 

Yes, I've read everywhere you should be happy by yourself, only give and not expect anything in return. Theory sounds amazing but I can't be like that. I can give a lot of love and care but there's a limit, I'm not some infinite spring of happiness. That was just how all my relationships have been so far. I did my best to offer my attention, to be affectionate, but I got nothing in return. I was the one initiating everything: hugging, kissing, anything. If I did nothing, I would probably be a bad partner and get dumped immediately. I really envy those guys who have amazing girlfriends who care about them. This time with the new gf seems to be no different. It's true we are into this for only 3 days but she seems to be the same. If I don't text her, she never does, if I don't hug or kiss her, she never initiates herself. I'm just tired of being the only one actively trying. 

I've tried so many times to not care about friendships and relationships, burned my mind into series, books, video games, the job and to what end? Everything seems pointless and in the end I'm still lonely.