I don’t know if this is the right subreddit i’ve never posted before but I really need some advice.

So I (19) have depression, anxiety disorder and Anoroxia idk if it’s important to mention but I might aswell.

I’m not that great at formatting or explaining this but i’ll try. For the past six or seven years i’ve been having major destructive thoughts (suicidal, anxiety, etc) mostly wanting to inflict pain upon myself, on which i’ve acted (self harm, starvation, suicide attempts) but more recently (I think two maybe three years?) i’ve been thinking about traumatic or painful acts inflicted upon me by others (torture, rape, kidnapping) and wishing it. And now I know I don’t really want this but it’s been very persistent in my mind. 

I don’t know why I have this or what the cause is. It feels like I deserve it and only then my feelings or pain is valid? I think? Because of it I have started being more reckless and have been provoking others, especially my boyfriend. I love him deeply and regret these actions. I have hurt him and myself in the proces. I don’t have any traumas related to sexual abuse (only two instances where I was groped where one could have escalated) nor domestic abuse. I feel like such an attention whore with a victim complex. 

I do my best not to act on these thoughts and have kept it to myself. Haven’t told my therapist about this either because i’m so embarrassed by it. 

I don’t know if this is something related with my mental illnesses or something else and I hope someone recognizes this because I feel like an insane person.