3 years ago, I was in an extremely bad place. At the age of 16, I had been in a complete garbage relationship for 2 years because I hadn’t the self esteem or experience to realize I should get the fuck out; and feeling like somebody chose ME over any other girl was something I’d over time based my self worth around. He’d (16 M) ignore me for weeks at a time, with no explanation other than that he was hanging out with friends, pressure me into having sex with him when I said no repeatedly, brush it off whenever I talked to him about the issues I had, etc. It wasn’t a good time. 

About 6 months before I ended things with him, my brain had decided to torment me even further. He’d ‘demoted’ me from girlfriend to ‘girl he was seeing’ because he claimed he needed to focus on himself, but still loved and wanted a future with me. About every two weeks, we’d hangout and he’d talk about his feelings for me, and pressure me into having sex with him  just to ignore me until he got lonely again. 260 pounds and 5’11, I thought maybe if was a little healthier he’d find me worthwhile and stop treating me like an option. Something far better happened. 

Losing 140 pounds in 4 months (though through anorexia) showed me that I was capable of taking control of my life in ways that benefited me. I started working out, to try make up the muscle I lost through starvation. I was once very socially anxious and shy, but I found myself branching out and feeling optimistic about making new friends. I was excited to go to school and I felt like I’d finally become a version of myself I was proud of. However, a part of me craved validation from my ex; that maybe one day he’d realize how much I went through because I cared and start treating me right. The type of shit romance novels make dorks like me a big sucker for. I hadn’t cut ties with him when I met Dan and it made for a very interesting turn of events. 

Sitting at the bus stop waiting to head home from school, my ex asked me to send him a selfie. I did, and he told me I was beautiful and he wanted to see me. I was skeptical, because this wasn’t the first time he’d said things like that, but I decided to bus to his house anyways. I got on the bus, and that’s when I saw him. 

You ever see a stranger in a public place and develop a miniature crush? To this day I’ve yet to meet anyone I’m attracted to more; once I looked at this guy I couldn’t stop. Apparently he noticed this, and nearing the end of my commute everybody nearby had gotten off at their stops leaving him and myself alone at the back. He introduced himself to me and gave me his Facebook, along with telling me I was beautiful. I’m probably a 6/10 at best and he was easily an 8, I had never had a guy introduce themselves to me in that manner and had very few express interest in me so I was instantly infatuated. I got to my exes house and told him I met somebody who made me feel excited the way he used to, and that I couldn’t keep seeing him anymore. Big surprise; he didn’t give a fuck. 

As we grew closer to one another, Dan kept getting better and better. He was also 16. He liked the same music as I did, he enjoyed having long conversations and talking about his thoughts and feelings. He thought I was interesting and was very excited about me. He’d never been in a relationship and wanted to change that right away. 4 days after I met him right away. I was afraid I’d fuck shit up with the coolest guy I’ve ever met because I felt like I wasn’t ready, so I said yes. That’s where things went wrong. 

Dan knew I had never really gotten closure from my break up, and that I still wondered what I did wrong to make him treat me this way. He told me after a month that he felt like a rebound and like my feelings for him weren’t genuine. I tried to reassure him, but he was distant for a few days after, and then told me he wasn’t sure about us anymore. I tried to contact him to talk in person about things, but he never responded to my messages. Makes perfect sense, I clearly was not over my breakup or ready for something serious. But I was devastated.

I felt like my biggest insecurity was completely validated, that I’d scared him away just like my ex. I irrationally didn’t focus on the fact that he was hurt because I got involved with him whilst I hadn’t recovered from my breakup. Instead, I convinced myself I found the best guy for me and scared him away when he got close to me that he realized I sucked. I didn’t understand what the fuck was wrong with me, so I went to see someone who seemed to think everything was wrong with me and ask for his input as to why he stopped caring. 

He went on a long rant listing all of my flaws, and then proceeded to tell me that he would start seeing me again if I’d put out more. After seeing Dan for a month and being treated with respect, I kind of laughed in his face and told him to go fuck himself. Surprised by this, he apologized and told me he hadn’t realized how rude that came across. I got a little emotional because he never apologized when we were together, felt maybe since I wasn’t taking his shit he would stop giving it to me, so one thing lead to another and we ended up cuddling. 

It felt wrong. All of it felt wrong. I built myself up and I knew I deserved more than this, but since I knew it would be the last time I decided to let it happen.
 Up until he flipped up my skirt and started trying to eat my pussy, then I flipped out and left. 

On my way home, Dan told me he’d like to talk in person, and that he was sorry. I was in a full on meltdown at this point. I told him okay and to meet me outside, and the second he saw me in tears I told him everything.

I let him know that he meant a lot to me and in the short time we had together I learned not to settle for less than I deserved. I told him that I never thought somebody like him would look twice at a girl like me and that I believed he just realized he was out of my league, and that I hoped he knew he would make the right girl very happy. I was ready to never talk to him again. But he hugged me. He told me he forgave me and he shouldn’t have pushed me away in the first place, and that he wanted to make things work.  

Fast forward, 3 years later. All of our mutual acquaintances believe I cheated on Dan with my ex, as he told them I did, because what happened previously. A month before my birthday, Dan had told me we can see each other EXCLUSIVELY (and assured me I’m the only one), but I’m not his girlfriend. 3 days before my 19th birthday, we go to the mall. Dan picks out 600$ worth of posters, clothing and shoes whilst I walk around and hold the bags for him, he didn’t get me a present, feelsbadman.jpg. On my birthday, I wake up to find his Facebook logged in on his computer. Curiosity got the best of me after seeing he had 8 messages, and I found that he’d had another girlfriend for the past month and a half, and couple of emotional affairs. What really fucked with me was finding a paragraph he wrote his girlfriend about how amazing she is whilst I was sleeping in his bed last night. 
I break down and he tells me I’ve been right the whole time, about making my ex treat me bad, and that I deserved to be cheated on because I ruined our relationship from the start. 

That was 6 months ago. Now it’s escalated to physical abuse, him attacking my deepest insecurities and not even denying the emotional affairs he has. I know I deserve better and would like to leave, but a dark part of me thinks maybe if I stay with him long enough I’ll get the courage to take my own life, instead of letting the cycle repeat itself once again. Why bother getting my hopes up again, just to crush them? Why build myself up just to have something disguised as love turn into something awful and break me down again? 

TL;DR I really need to find a therapist who’s not constantly unavailable 