bpd makes me seek out instability and toxic relationships. i thought acknowledging this would help me get a better grip on my life but managing my impulses does not make them go away.

i tried. i really did. i was going to college and working a job. i was exercising and practicing self-care. i cut out all the toxic people. my life had become "perfect", but i was suicidal and i didn't understand why. 

it was the security of it all. it only took 7 months of that "perfect" life for me to attempt. 

its heartbreaking to realize that i need toxic relationships and unstable environments to thrive. its not enough to want to be better. its not enough to recognize and subdue my impulsive thoughts. it will never be enough no matter how much i want to change. 

as you can probably guess, i'm couch jumping right now. i dropped out after my attempt. im very stressed and still not happy, but at least this feels like home in my fucked up brain.