So I used to be a chef for around 8 years. I used to hate it at first, I wasn't treated very well in that career, it's hard work an infinite hours. I did feel lost with who I was. The last 2 years (I quit due to potentially the worst breakdown i've had to date) I started to enjoy it, because I was good at it. People would praise me, customers, staff, I ended up doing rosettes restaurants etc. 

In those last 2 years my identity changed to someone who hated the career to an absolute love and passion for it. Every waking second, was either spent thinking about how to create something new to get praise, my FP or feeding an alcohol addiction. When everything fell apart and that career ended it's not I didn't stop caring about being a chef I wanted to get back into it although it treated me awfully, but I think I just wanted to go back for the validation it gave me.   


I thrived on the fact that a 'chef' was who I was. I just can't connect with it anymore.  


I've played music for a long time, at first growing up being a teenager showing off my guitar skills made me feel good, a constant drive to be the best I possibly could to amaze more people to get some self worth (and a sense of identity?). I became a music tutor and I just don't care as much as I thought I would about being paid to play music all day. The only days I truly seem to enjoy is the days when my manager comes out to work with me and gives me praise?  


I keep playing and learning every day but I don't even want to anymore, I just feel like I have to keep pushing myself even though theres nobody to impress just for when the opportunity comes that I can actually get some praise. I feel I don't enjoy it anymore, but I feel I have to carry on because its who I am.

&amp;#x200B;

Does that sound crazy? Like do I actually have an identity as a musician or chef of is it just what I do?  


I honestly can't tell if i'm just making shit up or not.