This is definitely going to be a vent, so I'm sorry if this is a little scattered, I just need to get it out. 

I guess I'll start with- I've been diagnosed for about 4-ish years now, although I was self diagnosed for a few before that. Despite a later diagnosis, I have been in and out of inpatient and outpatient treatments for roughly 10 years now, as well as on and off different medications. 

My entire life feels like an endless cycle of trying too hard because no one else wants to try at all. At the end of the day, I understand my diagnosis is my issue, and it is my responsibility to regulate and self sooth when needed, but I cannot shake this feeling of constantly being *pushed.* 

Everyone in my family is mentally ill in their own right, but as the youngest by a decade and the one who both had more access/resources, as well as the actual *want* for specific treatments, it feels as though it's always been my job to adapt to everyone else's stagnant personalities. Treatment was meant to help me deal with the tension and stress that I cannot control, but it also made it so I could no longer turn a blind eye to (what seems to me) like my family being content in their own personal and familial misery- and I don't think I'll ever be able to *fully* cope with that? At least not while I still live with my parents. 

But, at the same time, I feel like them being my family, and a group that I'm familiar with, it's easier to shut myself off and try to at least distract myself from the misery stemming from them. Almost like I've built a tolerance over these past 23 years, so it's easier to just accept that they'll never change, and not have expectations that will eventually leave me disappointed. 

But I don't seem to have that same mindset with my non-familial relationships. My boyfriend and I have been together for going-on 2 years now, and while I love him dearly and want so much to be the perfect partner for him, I've become worried that I've fallen into old cycles. Giving so much, receiving so little, subconscious expectations with heart wrenching disappointment following. 

He has his own diagnoses that I won't go into detail here, but put most simply- I am fight and flight, he is freeze and fawn. I have the experience due to inpatient and outpatient, as well as the language, to express my emotions, needs, and boundaries, while he is starting treatment completely fresh as 22. 

I feel so much guilt even thinking it, as well as I feel like I have absolutely no *right* to feel this way- but it feels like his stagnation is rubbing off on me. I have to beg him for days to help with laundry or dishes most of the time, I've tried to at least inspire (so I'm not just doing it for him) methods of organization and note taking that can help him stay on top of his responsibilities throughout the day without having to completely rely on someone else. I have tried to rephrase, tone-check, wait for the right moment, just everything when trying to approach him with serious conversation that need to involve the two adult participating parties of our relationship- but nothing I say or do is good enough and he just shuts down. The only responses I can get out of him are "I understand" (with no elaboration) and "I'm sorry." (again, with no elaboration as to what he feels apologetic for.)

I feel like I'm going crazy. I am trying my hardest to be as patient as possible, to give him the time he needs to approach treatment how he feels he needs to. But I guess, as the end of the day, I just can't help but to see absolutely no progress what so ever, or even initiation to *approach* progress. He had 1 talk therapy appointment, and made the decision to wait a whole month for another because he was "anxious talking to someone new". And while I do understand that, I don't feel like I'm being unfair in just the simple truth of that being something he needs to build a tolerance for in order to move forward, and that consistent practice in necessary. As well as, him currently dipping his toes into treatment now, required a full year of me bringing up the topic and possibilities in as many ways as I could muster. It wasn't something I could do *for* him, or *make* him do, he had to want it and do it. But it still feels like he just... isn't.  

Here I am, on a heavy sedative 3 times a day, not only for my anxiety but to make me more tolerable to other people, in a professionals office at least every 2 weeks to talk about treatment plans or meds, and currently attempting to get into a partial inpatient program. I am attempting to use all the resources available to me to move forward and progress, I am asking for help and I am accepting that help without expecting anyone to do it for me.

But it's really hard, really really hard when I have to remember everything in my life, take care of myself, as well as remembering everything for him, and having to initiate *his* actions as gently as possible. He has lived in my parents home with me for over a year, and not once has he done a load of laundry. He has not done dishes without me having to ask him *and* actually hold him to it. I understand we all have own issues, and I understand the struggle of memory  and executive functioning, but I don't understand being so *content* with struggling? Just... so content to rely on everyone but yourself? He is on his phone constantly, and I don't understand why he just can't do his own research on things like coping skills and just into his diagnosis in general. He made the adult decision to be in this relationship, as well as move out of him parents and in with me and mine, but there has been no progress to actually be independent...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've given him so much time and patience already, and that our whole relationship is now mirroring that with my family- it's up to me to adapt and meet him where he is, while there is no effort to meet me in the middle. I understand how scary a Big diagnosis is, I understand the fear of the unknown when approaching treatment and learning to hold yourself accountable, but I don't understand what, at this point, feels like his contentment with it all. 

Here I am, not even able to currently work because of the emotional juggle of our relationship, my family, and my own mental health. I don't feel like a partner anymore, I just feel like some miserable combination of surrogate mother, therapist, and personal secretary. I hate myself for it, I really do, but I can't bring myself to feel sorry for him anymore. He can say he wants to change and he wants help all he wants, but I can't see past his actions of complete dependence on other people. The "I'm sorry"s don't mean anything anymore, because they're not followed by any changed behavior. 

I used to think he was perfect just because he was nice to me. Because he's the first partner I've had who even attempted to understand me, who has never yelled at me or belittled me. But now I'm almost wondering if he's all these things because of his inability to articulate his own wants, needs, and boundaries. And that's fucking terrifying for me as someone with such severe BPD and PTSD. I don't want to be with someone I *have* to order around. I don't relish from being in complete control like this. I just want an equal partnership with someone who shows me they love me, instead of just saying it. 

I really don't know. I'm at a total loss right now and I'm terrified. So words of encouragement and even advice would be appreciated. But regardless, if you got to the end of this, thank you for taking the time to do so.