i don't know how else to describe it, but i get these flashes sometimes where i just want to swim in my illness and fully embrace it. it makes me want to publicly say really fucked up &amp; concerning shit without a care in the world. it's like, in those flashes all my barriers and filters are gone. and as odd as it is to say, i think some part of my brain feels like this illness has allowed me to be apart of some special club and i get to live a privilege that no one else can. it is so bizarre.

i'm self aware enough to acknowledge it likely stems from being tired of hiding who i really am, plus a mixture of being somewhat self absorbed in those moments, along with feeling like the majority of people are painfully shallow in which i don't mind feeling like it's me vs everyone neurotypical because i'm the one with enough depth to justify my existence. leading to this weird bubble bursting where to any normal person i am out of my fucking mind.

it leads to me to thinking though, in those moments, is that who i really am? is that who i currently want to be if i said fuck all to "consequence"? these moments are rare but they usually happen when i isolate from people while also having publicly already shown i'm not ok at the moment. which as you can guess just happened recently. it feels like the veil has been lifted and i can say and do whatever the fuck i want. i could literally be unapologetically insane publicly and even though i don't since i'd feel so embarrassed the next day, it doesn't mean i can't let it seep through here and there.