My heart is very broken. 

I got accepted into my dream art school with a scholarship. However, the catch is that I did not receive enough financial aid to cover my cost of attendance. 

I come from a poor background. I am a first generation college student that went through homelessness, abuse, and all other sorts of trauma growing up. Because of this, idiot me, thought I would be fine with financial aid. I am not taking out private loans or direct parent plus. I do not want to be in 100k debt for an art program.

This was my dream school and it was also going to be my escapism from my family. Just to be trapped yet again. I have looked at other schools. I have reached out to the financial aid office. Applied for scholarships. Nothing. 

So! I am now suicidal (always have been, but now I have a better reason to be). I do not want to do anything anymore. I give up on my studies. I am so sick of money and having to struggle for money. I am tired of always thinking about bills since I was a CHILD. I am exhausted. 

I thought I was finally rewarded for my hard work to be slapped down again because of money. I am heart broken. I am not cut out to live like this anymore or to be in this world. I feel like I am constantly dragging myself on my knees from hell to be met with more obstacles. I just want to feel comfortable and happy for once. Adulthood is not for me. I cannot do it. I am always jealous of other people’s happiness and comfort and wishing it was me. It really does hurt. Anyways, I give up. 

And before anyone makes assumptions about me, there is a lot of layers of financial problems and abuse in my family, I am only scraping the top and being vague on purpose.