    Hey im Daisy and I love anger.   (C)Ptsd[this year long introspective has lead me to see it is complex, that alot of trauma I experienced as a kid, I learn to lessen or forget, or paint it in my young memories as not that bad, bpd and an old adhd diagnosis as a child, I forgot about because my Grandma  told me I was cured, even though I just found ways to focus with it.  

      Ya always talk down on the Explosive bpd sufferers.

   "I would never hurt anybody"

     "I hurt myself more"

      "I dont get why people think bpd people are so violent."

          I am an explosive bpd person and im not ashamed. 

 I'm finally understanding why I get so angry.   Im transgender, I was feminine all my life.   After multiple* instances of sexual abuse, rape, so many fights I lost count, situations of almost kidnap, foster care. Adoption, abusive men...

   Anger is the emotion I feel the safest in.  It truly is. 

 When im angry, there's a piece of my bpd that turns off.  My emotional side goes quiet, and I can do what is necessary.    I can murder if I have to.  I can destroy someone's life if I have to.    The side of me that deals in empathy, compassion, forgiveness, guilt, remorse; turns off. The anger lights up a primal, survival head space in me, where it's only one thing on my mind

Get you. 

  My anger makes me feel strong.    

  Granted, I always need a reason, a valid one.   

   Depression is the most opposite of anger to me. I know, you people reading are like....isn't the opposite of anger, love...?

 Not for me.  Lol

  Depression/sadness is something I can't deal with.  I cant deal with the circular thoughts.  I cant deal with the self hate. I can't deal with the sitting in my room, looking at a wall for 4 hours, dissociation and images of my death replying in my head. I can't deal when I get massive, intruder like suicidal ideations. I can't deal with the lost of motivation. 

 When im angry, I get clarity.    Anger has push me through college with. 3.9 average.     Anger has removed me from alot of situations I didn't need to be in, in my obsessions with my first real boyfriend of 5 years.  

    I feel like anger is useful.   Depression and hating yourself is not useful.  Or so I used to think, anyways

  Ya so desperately in these stories, distance yourselves from bpd like me.    The ones who hit, and tear down, and lash outwardly. 

   Anger is a false emotion.   You are never truly safe, even if you can beat someone up.  

    Anger has left me isolated, to the point I think im making myself crazy from the lack of social interaction.  

In my 20s, I learned to not live in the shoes of what others want me to wear.   

       The obsession, the self hatred, the validation I was seeking, people pleasing, accepting people back in my life, after they violated me, because...    atleast I still have them around, atleast im not alone. 

 In my 30s I want to learn how to let go of anger.  

    Anger has choked the life from me slowly, which is why I said its a false safeness. 

   Ya write all these stories.  

 "I would never hurt anyone...just myself. Im not a violent person"

  Am I less than you if I was violent? Is my bpd worse than yours?

   Sorry, id rather punch them in the face. Than slice my body up, atleast I dont hurt other people huh....like self mutilation is not violence against YOUR OWN BODY...as much as you think you not being violent.  

   I am explosive.  

  When im triggered(and my anger only comes from legitimate things I find as violation, not imagining or a random bpd feeling, but real violation) ...I create a war.    If that means getting you fired, if that means breaking up your home, if that means setting you up, if that means I gotta beat you up, if that means I have to do arson. 

So be it

 I think alot of bpd people who are explosive have co-occuring diagnosis with ptsd. 

        C-ptsd at that.   

Anger has left me sad, at my inability to love or make friends.   I have gone from this wildly, popular 21 year old, to an introverted, shrewd, callous,person and my life is drastically different. 

  It has stopped me from alot of opportunities in life....because I trust no one and everybody leaves.  

  But I want to say, explosive bpd people are not to be thrown away.   

 There is a valid reasoning of why we explode and attack the way we do.    

   Be happy that you never went through situations where you feel like you gotta get them, before they get you.   

 At 30, this is the year I finally give up my anger.  Finally, not throw toys (bpd) at peoples' head, or read/dismantle them with secrets they told me in confidence,   finally not reacting in situations that make me violent, but learning to calm myself (I have been working and been better with this aspect for years. Learning to ignore people or let situations play out without me igniting the fuse)

   A piece of me is scared of not feeling in control.   The anger helps me feel in control.     That I feel like anger was so intristinic to my life that, I feel weak or less than when I don't respond with anger in situations I think call for them.  

      I went on a sex survivors group and spazzed because my rape was horrifying.   200 nos and broken hands and a busted eye...

 To stories of girls who can't say no and don't even put up a fight, who never even acted like there was a problem.....

Making me split and go on a war path. 

       No answer is not a yes....and just because it wasn't brutal for them, doesn't mean it was any less traumatic.   But see how when I split, the part of me that feels turns off.  My splitting has pieces of my anger in it.   

  Im looking at what is wrote and I feel gross.  This is what anger has left me with. Finding fault in people, even victims....

 And boom....see...I need to let my anger go.  Its not conducive to my life or happiness. I finally understand when they say....anger eats away at you from the inside. 

I no longer need that level of anger in me
My explosiveness

My reading/verbal attacking  people until they want to end lives or they really want to hurt me.  

Im over sadness, im over anger, im over running, im over being my trauma, im over bpd and ptsd. 

I just want to be calm and live again, be peaceful, like I naturally was as a child before I learned to be hyper  vigilant 

Hyper vigilance mixed with bpd is alot 

Don't just throw violent bpd people away. There's a root for that in them too that they need help plucking. We need help too, even if we lash out.