my fp (best friend/ex partner) broke up with me 3 months ago bc they wasn't ready for a relationship and i was becoming codependent. they said they still saw potential in me as a partner in the future, since i am the closest to their heart. as time has passed, i fucked up a lot. i let my sad, angry and frustrating emotions show as they were and i splitted once or twice. i crossed our physical boundaries and i think i abused them (tried to kiss them but didn't do it and stopped). they said they isn't attracted to me anymore. i can see why but it hurts so much.

i already apologized and we had a good 2hr conversation on the phone about all of this. we gave ourselves this weekend to think about everything and decide what to do with our friendship. i think we're going strict no contact and i'm so scared. i'd understand if they doesn't want me in their life again, or if they doesn't want to/can't forgive me for what i did.

i need time to become a better person, to control my emotions and impulses, and to move on from our relationship. and they needs time to heal from what i did. we said we want each other in our lives forever (in a friendly way) (but this hurts because i don't know if i will ever be able to look at them as just a friend) 

what if i never move on? what if we never reconnect? what if we forget about each other? what if our friendship is not meant to be because of my romantic feelings? 

i hurt them in a really bad way, i fucked up their trust on me and i don't know what to do. i'm going through a loss and i can't stop worrying about what i did and never being with them again.