I feel like i have a lot of love to give to people, i love hanging out and i want to care for everyone i can connect with. but i dont feel like i get any of the same love back.
I had difficult having friends my whole life, people never stayed for too long, i was alwayd ghosted and left behind in the end. i dont blame them for leaving me, i know i am not the best person i could be and i probably never will. i
Recently, it happened again, but this time i feel like it hit me stronger than previous times, maybe because it was so recent. i lost almost all of my friends at once, i met them at the beginning of this year, we played games and we talked about our feelings and things happening in our lives, i finally felt welcome. until i didnt feel it anymore. 
I started feeling left out, like they purposely left me out of conversations or ignored me when i talked or even completely avoided me. i voiced my concerns in a vent channel in their discord server, where we usually hang out and stuff. my access to the channel was revoked, and i was given a long message calling me manipulative and that i needed to stay away from them for a while. that was the complete opposite of what i felt i needed, i didnt want to stay away, i didnt want to be alone, i wanted to feel noticed and loved and appreciated just as much as i love them. 
i panicked, i did everything i could so they wouldn't leave me alone. it backfired horribly. i was blocked by every single one of them. i am alone yet again. the cycle repeats.
the different thing this time was that they said I was manipulative. I was never told that before. i never realized i did manipulative things. in my mind I was being as honest and direct as i can be. 
i have a few friends left, i can count how many in a single hand. my feelings towards the ones who have left me is still all over the place. shame, guilt, anger, sadness, admiration, love, understanding. I keep reliving what happened, every day, every hour i am awake, i have cried, i have written in a journal, i have meditated, i have made art. but it doesnt go away. it keeps haunting me.
i want help, i want to be better, for the friends i have left and for myself. but i cant get any yet, my emotions have been messing with my work, and i am completely broke. i want things to get better, they'll just take a little longer than i expected.
i am not officially diagnosed with bpd, but i have a strong feeling i do have it. it has been messing with me ever since i can remember it.

note: this is the third time im posting because whenever i edit the post it auto flares as discord server wven tho i the flaur i chose was vent????