I'm so tired of feeling this way.

I was always bullied as a kid no matter how hard I tried to fit in and tried to be nice. People just hated me for no good reason. Fat, ugly, unfunny, everything. I was called everything by everyone, even told to kill myself by a classmate in elementary school for being overweight at a young age.

I was sexually assaulted by a cousin at a young age but never told anyone. It bottled up inside me and I hope to never have to tell anyone else. But that just made things worse because I unfortunately continued the cycle to a younger cousin of mine. Me having no one to tell just made me feel like it was ok what he did but of course it never was. And I'll end up paying the price of that some day.

I have no friends. I hate my job. I don't drive because I'm too scared to. I'm stuck at my shitty job because my dad is my boss and he takes me to work. I hate him. I'm such an incompetent person because my brain is fucked over by ADHD that the doctors say that I don't have even though every single symptom that is common among ADHD sufferers shows up in me but they don't care, they just prescribe me depression meds and tell me it's the depression.

I'm so fucked mentally, physically, emotionally, and logically. I'm a lost cause who was dealt a bad hand right at the start. I'm good at absolutely nothing because I always gave up too easily, so I have nothing to show for anything that I did. I'm just so tired of this existence.

I'm going to die alone. I'm unlovable, I'm disgustingly inhuman looking. Way overweight but too fucked up mentally to do anything about it so it makes me eat to distract and ease the pain which makes me fatter which makes me more depressed which ends up making me go through an endless cycle of mental anguish that no one cares about, not even me.

I have nothing to give to the world. Yeah yeah, society is a real bitch but even if that line is overplayed, it really is true. I was born into a society that doesn't want me, because I have nothing to offer and nothing to show for my existence. Absolutely nothing to give back for being born into this decrepit, disgusting world. It's all so pointless.

Even if I try to change things, nothing ever goes my way. It's like everyone else on Earth is using up all the "luck" or whatever energy that it gives off and ends up with me at the bottom and everyone else at the top. It's the way things are, if someone wins, that means someone else has to lose, and I'm always losing, never the winner, at least in anything that matter.

Video games are ruining my life but I have absolutely nothing without them. No friends, no close family to hang out with. No one likes me. No matter how hard I want to be friends with someone, eventuallly everyone leaves me, and it is inevitable that I will emd up being alone and the butt of every joke. I'm just so over it. 

Yes, it is selfish of me to force my feelings onto others and dictate how they see me before they've even met me but I'm always right, at some point. Doesn't matter when, but it always comes true. I've jsut become such a bitter person but I remember being so nice to everyone growing up only for them to throw it back in my face at some point.

I'm fucking done. I'm over it. No one wants me here, not even myself, so why stick around. I just need to go buy a gun or a rope or something but I'm just so over everything and everyone. If I can't be what I want to be because nothing ever goes my way, then what is the point? If you play a game and and the opposing team is always beating you no matter how hard to try, why even continue playing the game?

Fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck you. Fuck everyone. Fuck the whole world. I am done.