I’ve been doing well in my new relationship. Found ways to express how I’m feeling and staying as calm as I can. I was not lashing out and trying to express what I’m feeling as it’s happening so he understands what’s going on.

Until tonight. I’m just so ashamed and so guilty. I unintentionally manipulated him to get what I needed to feel ok- which if I had asked for 3 hours prior I would also have it. I just lost complete control. There were 10 phone calls and a million texts, one after the other, accusing him of not caring/saying hurtful shit. 

And I just sat there, disassociated. Angry/Hurt but numb. Trying to get a response because I felt abandoned and unheard. My logical side was there begging me to stop, but the only release I had was to rage text. It was like watching an accident in slow motion but not being able to do anything. 

I know I crossed line, but not like I used to, I didn’t dig into the deep insecurities. But I wasn’t fair to the person that loves me. 

It’s terrible because it’s the first time this happened in this relationship and he now knows the monster I am/can be. And I wish I could tell him this isn’t me, but it is...and I never know how to bounce back knowing it’ll happen again 😔

TLDR; been doing better. Lost control tonight. Hate myself for it.