I’m using an old account that has no purpose. Here to just vent some things. I don’t know how to explain myself truly, the best way I can is that I understand I have some mental illness. I’m a self diagnosed…uh I’m not sure tbh lol. I have extreme paranoia, in many aspects. I struggle with keeping true bonds and feelings for people, I have had one true undying compassion and draw to a person but they have long since left my life. I truly still feel love and compassion for them, it’s an odd feeling, what is described to me as these feelings are slightly different. Like I said I’m extremely paranoid, I check my door to see if it’s locked 10+ times, multiple times a day. Not because I forgot but I fear that something may have unlocked it. I hear things, things that aren’t explainable. I used to hear voices talk to me when things were quiet and I laid down for sleep. These voices said odd things, random things, stuff like “HEY! Let’s go play tennis!” Or “are you sure you took that pizza out?” Even when I had not even ate a pizza in a month plus. I have been diagnosed type 1 bipolar but then again when I was IVC’ed to the hospital I was not truthful with them as I knew the outcome of what would happen to me if I was truthful. It scares me, my trip to the hospital was traumatic, the people there had no concern nor care for our well-being’s. It was more mentally damaging to me than helpful. Medicines work temporarily but just fade off, no matter if I get the highest dose prescribed to me, it just falls off. I’m getting better at controlling my mentality but it’s still a battle. I mean there’s things that make me curious if it’s some other force? For instance when I go to sleep I make sure all the doors in the house are shut, not just the front door. I make SURE, I push on it to make sure it latched. It just seems odd that one day the door adjacent to mine would be wide open, given that it was latched shut and there’s no gravity or slope in the house to cause it to open that far. I’m not sure what is real and what isn’t. But I do have a grasp on reality if that makes sense. Sometimes I will go days without sleep or eating due to just not being hungry and it making me sick to eat and I will not sleep because simply I am just tired or fearful of what will happen when my body is in its most defenseless state. My dreams are becoming more vivid and real, some of them hold meanings. Such as the one where I was told about the Tribe of Dan, something I had never heard of till the dream and I researched it, very interesting. I don’t know what my mind is doing to me or what purpose it serves, I just know that things are interesting. It all baffles me though, because in school we had a grading system for our tests that would compare us to our mental grade level. Even in the 6th or 7th grade I was score 11-12th grade or even college level. I have taken multiple IQ tests and have rounded my average IQ of them to be around 135, my highest score being 140. It makes me wonder things, I have a high intelligence. I thought I may have been autistic, but from tests from doctors I have been shown to not be autistic. I guess this is just an AMA for any curious about how I function, what my routines are, etc. I’m in such a state of unknowing that it’s scaring me and confusing me but it’s like a calm storm, I don’t know.