During summer break (5 weeks where i live) i felt like i was doing so incredibly good. I felt so happy and my relationship was awesome and it was just perfect. But now ita the last week of summer break. I'm starting to be the horrible person that i used to be. I'm starting to have bad thoughts of relapse. I'm hyper sensitive ahain, lost all of my gained control. I am anxious and absolutely exhausted. I want to cut everybody off and just kill myself. My relationship is getting more toxic because of me, again. 
I am so incredibly lost.
I thought i finally found myself and that it would save me but turns out that all that changed is that i now know who I am. I'm still the same shitty, sick, failure of a person that i used to be. Just a bit older, a bit different, but just as shitty as before.
I utterly hate myself to the point of where i just want to end everything.
I am scared of dying in pain and terror so my second most innermost wish is that i can get an exit. A peaceful and calm way to die. My own hands controlling the thing that will kill me. My own will. My control.
My biggest wish is to heal and be a better and healthier person, somebody that won't be ashamed for having a beating heart in my chest. 
But i have so little hope left that i already gave up in believing in that dream. I just wish to pass away.
Im tired of feeling physically and mentally ill, nauseous because of the massive waves of unbearable emotions. Im tired of feeling like i ruin everybody that ever gets into my life. I am tired of abusing and being abused. Tired of abusing myself. Tired of hearing what people say about borderliners. Tired of socializing, eating, breathing, functioning.
I am so unbelievably exhausted. I seriosly don't know how I'm still here writing this. 
I feel like i have nobod to talk to. Hell, sometimes i text myself on my phone and pretend that there is someone who listens and understands me without the guilt of feeling like i am destroying them.
I feel so ashamed of it but I miss my scars so badly. I am clean for over 3 months now but my scars were the only thing that reminded me of my humanity. I have scars on my thighs but i dont see my thighs 24/7. i miss the scars on my arm, the reminder of what a disgrace i was for mutilating my own skin. The reminder for my worth. For my sick but existing humanity.
I just want to let go of the cliff and let myself fall to death, into the endless canyon of pitch black darkness.
I long for death.