So let me start by saying I'm 30 years old and I've never seen a psychiatrist. I honestly just can't afford it currently. Anyways, I believe I have severe scopophobia mixed with social anxiety.

My Scopophobia :

When I was a kid I was always the smallest male in my class, I wore glasses and my family frequently moved. So I was always the "new kid". This made me a target for bullies and generally being a social outcast.

When I was 15 I had a situation where my dad sat me in a chair, he sat directly across from me, and interrogated me like a police officer about using drugs for over 6 hours. All because he found a permanent marker and white out in my pocket which led him to believe I was huffing them to get high (I wasn't and never have). He yelled and psychologically battered me infront of my sister and step mom. I never admitted to doing them but was forced to move in with him because of my grades falling badly. Moving in with him gave my family the impression that I was using said drugs but really he just mentally broke me down over 6 hours until I agreed to move in. 

Because of this situation, now a days I struggle to make any sort of eye contact for more than a split second. As soon as I see you looking at me directly, I get this severe wave of dread wash over me. It's like I have a little voice in my head saying "Look! They're watching you! Judging you! Look away!". Which ends up in me either stuttering, forgetting what I was saying or just looking in random directions.

It is unbearable and very tough to deal with in every day life. As a kid you can kind of get away with it but as an adult needing to deal with other adults everyday is just mentally exhausting.

I lived with my Dad for 2 years. Dealt with mostly mental abuse but sometimes physical. There was a time where he got me to the ground and was kicking me in the ribs for something my cousin did. He was embarrassed that a family member called him and said I was involved, so he felt that was a fitting punishment.

I decided to stop living with him after one day he tossed me around the basement and slammed my head against the cement wall for something I again, was completely innocent of. I called my mom that day and left.

My father fucked me up so bad mentally. His dad did the same to him so he just continued the cycle. We have since reconciled but I will never forgive him for what he did. Left my mom with two kids, never paid a dime of child support, was abusive to me and my mom, and altered my brain functions in a way that affects my everyday life negativly.

Due to this I also have a very limited social life. I don't go to small get togethers, even with family. Hell, I have to go to Staples to drop off a product I sold for over 5 days now but haven't because I'm dreading the 5 min interaction I will need to have with the clerk.

This sucks and I'm not sure how to cope anymore. I don't even want to go outside.