I kinda wish reddit would let you add more than one flair to your post, but I'm sorta looking for advice or similar situations people have gone through and come out of.

So I met my fp about two years ago, and we spent forever talking to each other, getting close, having fun, etc etc. We eventually became qpps, and later on, partners. I was the happiest I'd ever been in years. Midway through our partnership, I was diagnosed with BPD, and my partner had been diagnosed years ago, at least before we met. 

Lately, he found a new person to attach to, and I felt replaced. We went back to being qpps, and this new person was his best friend. I was constantly feeling inadequate and replaced and the like, so our relationship was rocky. 

About a week ago, I totally lost control and blew up at him, wanting him to hate me, leave me for this best friend he had, and I was trying to make that happen, even though I really wanted him in my life. He did leave me and told me to talk to him when I can have a "healthy conversation, that push and pull" with him, but if he never told me what I was doing wrong when I was, I didn't know. I also didn't listen to what he wanted when he told me, apparently, and that was a mix of anxiety and bpd, I think.

I've downloaded a bunch of dating apps to try to get him out of my mind, but nothing is working, I'm having dreams where we can talk again, where this whole scenario didn't happen, where we're still qpps, etc. I don't know if he hates me, but I'm trying to take everything at face value like he told me to.


Oof, sorry for the long winded rant, but tl;dr, my fp of at least two years isn't talking to me anymore and I'm miserable.