In the last year alone I've been hospitalized 7 times. The first one was a FOUR month hospitalization, not residential, inpatient. I was a terror on that unit. It hurts me to think about that time in my life because I was so sick and suicidal, so utterly defeated and hopeless about my future that I felt reduced to the most barbaric form of myself desperate for help, or death. In spite of this, w/ A LOT of time, work, and struggle, I developed the will to live again. Once I was discharged I truly believed the course of my life had been altered permanently. Some things were different afterwards. I got sober after dealing w/ severe drug/alc addiction for the past 10 years. I haven't made another attempt since then.

Then my life once again rapidly spiraled into a whirlwind of pure chaos. I was supposed to start a rigorous day program contingent upon completing 3 months of outpatient drug/alc treatment after leaving the hospital. I was so mistreated at that outpatient facility, and the staff hated me for my episodes. The providers there told me their clinic was "not equipped to handle \[my\] needs," which was just a nice way of saying my BPD was too much for them to handle. They completely destabilized me and undid so much of the work I did during my long-term hospitalization. Their maltreatment, in tandem w/ a bad med interaction, triggered a manic ep/psychosis (I'm not bipolar) resulting in an hour long standoff w/ the cops and fire department on my roof before I was admitted again.

I managed to start my day treatment program after another month in the hospital, and it's extremely intensive, supportive DBT 5 day/wkly reserved for patients w/ a BPD dx. It's one of the best programs in my state if not the best. I want things to be different SO badly, but since starting 6 months ago I've just been in &amp; out of the hospital for unrelenting crises involving self-harm and suicidality. My most recent inpatient stay was for an aborted OD, and my program forced me to get rid of my med stockpile that I've been hanging onto for the past several years. I know it was for the best, but I resent them for it. Every time they send me to the hospital they set conditions for me to meet before I return to the program. I spent a couple days in the ER last week after a really bad self-harm episode, and my therapist came to see me and told me I'm on my last chance w/ the program.

I am at a loss for my recovery. My emotions are wildly unstable; I'm on so many medications it's a miracle I can still see straight. I often have these intense episodes because I don't think any treatment will ever work for me, I will never recover, so I just hurt myself and want to die, or impulsively drop out of treatment, thus creating a perpetual cycle of suffering. I keep splitting on my therapist and viciously lashing out at him for making me relinquish my meds so it's been difficult to make any progress in individual sessions. I vacillate between blaming myself for how dysfunctional I am and victimizing myself because of all the abuse I've experienced at the hands of my caretakers, providers, sexual offenders, etc. I'm starting to feel like I'm back where I was last year before I was hospitalized the first time but w/out the substance use, and that terrifies me. I didn't ask for any of this, and the harsh reality is that it's my responsibility to do something about it now even though it shouldn't be. A part of me will always long for a better life, but every day feels like I'm standing in a void. If you read this far, thanks for listening.