I am too embarrassed to post the whole story on here, I am also afraid someone will find out that it's me, even though I am on a throwaway account. I have told my story to only a few friends, who still don't know everything, but there are somethings they'd probably recognize if they'd read this. 
Recently some stuff has happened and all of my closest 'friends' have teamed up against me, which led me to cut off all contact with some of them.

I am used to the empty feeling, and most of times I am in control of my behaviour because I keep the things I love most close to me, and it gets me over things. Now I have lost more than half of my friends over something I can't control and it's fucking me up.

I have not been diagnosed by my old psychologist because she knew my story and knows that I only act stupid under pressure, and I'm smart enough to know when I will snap so I can find help before it happens. I usually have a back-up as well (example: I know X will happen, so I will make sure it happens when I am somewhere far away from people, and I will talk to friend A, B and C for comfort, after I have calmed down).

Now I feel as if I've lost all control and I am overthinking about 'having borderline' again. 

I have been diagnosed with depression though, because my 'symptoms' and story led to it. But I know better. I know my way of thinking is way more than that.

My psychologist and I have an appointment in two weeks. This has been going on for months now and I haven't seen him since September because I was doing so great, I was too embarrassed to see him again and tell him I failed. I can't wait that long anymore. I have the craziest dead-eyes-look again because I am thinking so much.

Please, don't judge me. I need help. I need to tell someone the *whole* story without feeling like I have to cover things up to them. I can't go on like this. 