My therapist had to cancel on me (for a valid reason). I wish I didn't care, but honestly I felt uncontrollable waves of anger, rejection, saddness... I was so upset I felt physically ill, my was heart racing, my head hurt, my face was hot and flushed. I sent an ambiguous email in response, saying I won't see him anymore, because I was angry and I also wanted him to worry about me. I regretted it and sent another email an hour later before he responded, apologizing and asking to reschedule. I'm worried if I keep doing things like this, he'll terminate me as a client.

I'm just really tired of over-reacting and feeling so upset over little things like this. I feel so embarrassed every time I feel like this. It's not just with my therapist, but anyone I get even remotely close with. It's not always just a short ambiguous email like this, but I've reacted to small, insignificant events with angry outbursts and self destructive meltdowns. People end up leaving me because I'm too much to deal with.

I'm just feeling really down about the idea of being like this forever, always feeling so chaotic, emotional, out of control. I don't know if I can take any more heartbreak from people leaving, but I feel like I'll inevitably drive away my current friends and partner like I always do.

I'm just tired of being this way. I always try to be optimistic, telling myself I'll be more emotionally stable in the future and working toward my goals, but right now I just need to vent and feel a little self pity. Being optimistic all the time gets exhausting.

Anyway, thanks anyone who read this through. I hope everyone here having a rough day has a better day tomorrow, and I'll try to have one too.