Since february, I have been in a relationship with a woman. It very quickly became very passionate on both ends. We clicked on many levels and I have never felt happier. She disclosed very early that she had lived some heavy traumas in her life with her parents and former relationships. Her mother was violent, emotionally distant, her biological father left her and her mother. The only parent she feels close to is her former stepdad (and she still resents her mother for leaving him). And she has a history of abuse by her partners. One of them took control over her life, beat her and forced her into conjugal rape. Then another tricked her into drug abuse and raped her. She sued the last one for rape, had him in jail and all their mutual friends sided with him and he vowed he would kill her when he got out. I am so amazed by her strength to keep on going and I want to support her through it.

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After leaving and putting her last partner to jail, she secluded herself. She moved to a smaller town, further away from the city. She got herself a dog and a new job. For a whole year before we met again (we knew each other from work long before all her history of partner abuse), she had no romantic interaction, no sex or anything. She also has very few friends and like I said, the only person she's close with apart from a few friends, is her former stepdad who is in the process of adopting her.

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It took her a bit longer to tell me she had BPD, but she is a very quiet borderline and I have never experienced any outburst from her. I realize now she's been trying very hard to protect me from this but I also know that it must be very heavy on her. But I was in honeymoon phase, it was my first serious relationship and I was probably blinded because of that.

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A bit more than a month ago, out of nowhere, she wanted to break things up. This hit me very hard because I was still blinded by the honeymoon phase and she was probably hiding things. We made things up two days later. She realize it had been a sudden outburst and she didn't want to leave me. Those two days were like hell to me. Her reasoning was that she was too much for me, that she didn't deserve me. I was too perfect and she couldn't provide the love I needed and deserved according to her. She often told me how I was the most beautiful man she had been with, how I was the nicest, the best sex she'd ever had, just the best all around and that she was just a mess. I reassured her : she was the love of my life, I had never felt so much happiness as I did when I was with her. She gave me plenty of love and I wasn't too perfect for her. To me, we were perfect together, I wouldn't have it any other way. I accepted her shortcomings, her trauma and everything. She was a whole package and I wanted it all.

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But I was naive, I thought this was just a sudden crisis and that I had fixed. A few weeks later, she tried to break up with me. Again. This time, she gave me my things back, she was determined to break up for good. Once again, she thought I was too perfect for her, she didn't deserve me, she was a mess, etc. She also started sharing more personal things, things she hadn't thought of in a long time. She actually had been in a epistolary relationship with a older man when she was a young teenager. He was kinda grooming her. It was found out, he was accused and he disappeared, probably killed according to her. And she blames herself for it. She thinks she killed him. 

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And there it was. She blamed herself for all the abuse she was the victim of. Either for being too weak to push them away, or for giving in, for finding monsters and letting them into her life, for being a "crazy bitch" that pushes them to become monsters who abuse her. Probably all of it at the same time.

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We didn't really break up. We meant to "pause it" because we both agreed she needed space. But I was madly in love, completely blindsided by her trying to break up with me, and I kept it the way it was. I didn't give her the space she needed because I couldn't let her go. I just love her so much, in a few months she became my everything and I couldn't imagine my life without her. That was probably my biggest mistake. I just wanted things back to how they were before and kept acting like it. And I think she wanted it too but she also needed the space. We saw each other, I would sleep at her place, stay with her for a few days. She would ask me to come see her. However, as time passed, she became more and more distant. She suddenly had no libido anymore (we both had a huge libido before and I still do) because she said it brought back painful memories. She kept saying it wasn't me and I do understand it given her past and I accepted it.

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I didn't pry too much, she said she needed to talk about it with her therapist but she wouldn't see her for a long time. Actually, it all started with her seeing a therapist, which she hadn't since her last abuse. It definitely brought back a lot of repressed trauma. Her first try of break in up with me actually align with her first meetings with her therapist. It was a lot to her because when she secluded herself, she repressed it all, stopped having sex and any relationship and she admits her line of thought was "Alone I'll feel better, no problems, I won't hurt anyone and hurt myself". Us getting together was not something she predicted but she had a huge crush on me on our first date. I took a bit longer (not too much, but I wasn't sure I wanted a relationship) and she herself admits she went too fast, we quickly had sex (on our second date, remember that we knew each other before our dates) and she says she kinda did it to seduce me. We actually went very fast in our relationship. Even I, who had not gotten any serious relationship, was very excited by our relationship.

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So now, a week before she gets to see her therapist again (she hasn't seen her since her first try at breaking up), she broke up with me again. At least until she figures things out with her therapist. Her reasons are the same (I don't deserve her, she can't give me the love I deserve, she would only hurt me, etc.), with the fact she has lost any desire whatsoever (and not only with me, but completely) and that she says she only loves me platonically. She literally says " I feel tenderness, curiosity, a desire to protect you. But as things go on, the more it is platonic, not romantic". Now, I am probably blinded by love but I sincerely think she just is scared of loving and being loved because of her past abuse. She is scared of being hurt and hurting me. She loves me so much that she pushes me away. She still hasn't really processed her abuse, she blames herself for it and having traumas, being BPD, therefore she hates herself. Because she thinks I'm so perfect and pure (her words), she would taint me and hurt me. I've told her all that and she neither denies or confirms it. She has a hard time really communicating her emotions.

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I would like your input, especially on how her BPD affects all that. I really want this to work because I love her so much and I want to be there for her. I want to prove to her she deserves being loved and that she is capable of love.