For some context I 26m have quiet bpd and she 24f has bpd as well. We dated a bit a few years back, it ended poorly with alot of accusations thrown on both sides.

Fast forward to now, it was her birthday recently. At this point we're just friends, albeit extremely close friends. I literally feel like I've found my other half and I still have very strong love feelings for her. i keep those to myself out of respect for the friendship and at this point i was on tinder to hopefully move on. She knew I was talking to other girls and was unhappy about it even though she only wanted a friend. Well we're at a hotel for her birthday , finish a bottle of wine, 6 joints and we were out at the bar earlier in the night. At this point we're pretty trashed. She's pawing at me all night initiating contact trying to "fight me" she tells me I'm very confusing (in what i want) and when I ask her to elaborate she won't give an answer.  In my trashed state i make a move on her and pick her up to the bed. it's reciprocated. the night ends awkwardly due to issues on my end. I end up leaving at 6 am. 

Afterwards i try and message her and talk about where we stand and what's going on but it becomes apparent she's sorting through her feelings and isn't ready to talk to me. when she finally does she hints that i was more in control and i was the sober one and that she wished i communicated more. I'm very hurt by this because shes insinuating i was a predator. Honestly her communication skills have improved tremendously before she'd just blame me but she was sorting through her feelings and logic and was trying to argue both sides of that coin. Unfortunately I was in the midst of my own feelings after she said that. I did my best to reaffirm her feelings but I just had this festering feeling in me, "why am I the always the bad guy?" "why do I always have to sacrifice myself and reaffirm your feelings when mine aren't being heard?" "why am i going to now have to admit all fault and be the monster you think I am so that you can feel better and 'forgive me'?". I got very sick of this reoccuring theme so I buckled down, depersonalized and let my angry and hurt feelings talk for me. I regret that because I knew I could have found a middle ground where both parties were heard if I was in better control of my feelings. I do try and hear her out but at this point it's half me trying to reason and half me wanting to argue for the sake of arguing. So as you can imagine it does not go well. She blocks me on whatsapp and instagram (for some reason even though we're best friends she has me blocked on snap and twitter this whole time and won't address it when I bring it up) but leaves her phone open incase of 'emergencies'. Aka the lifeline where I can apologize from and coax her out of her shell and do all this work so she can 'forgive me' so she doesn't have to do any real work and take responsibility for her actions and we can go back to normal. 

This is probably the 6th time we've done this, I finally got sick of it and I stopped reaching out. Every time it's been me reaching out. It's been 3 months now and no contact or message from her. I've had time to sort through my feelings and I wish I did things differently in that argument. I want to reaffirm I'm not mad at her. I would like to acknowledge and hear her feelings without my own as a filter. Honestly I want my best friend back. But I know she can't do the same for me. she's at a different stage of growth and that stuff is very hard for her to address. She needs someone who can constantly validate and acknowledge her feelings, calm her down and make her feel secure. I've tried so hard doing that but I need that too sometimes and I can't get it from her.
She's made so much growth compared to the start of our relationship to now. She was so toxic when we first started hanging out but through the years and the talks and the time we spent together I'm so proud of all she's accomplished.

Another facet of this cluster fuck is how I view relationships now. Like i said ive been on tinder. Never really liked any of the girls I met until this one person. She respected my boundaries, clearly communicated her issues and was honest with me. I was so attracted to her. The issue being, I've been in this friendship for so long where I love my best friend that when I have a deep emotional bond with someone all I want to do is talk. I've been trained not to make a move. Pavloved myself. Tinder girl was very upset I didn't make a move on her on the first and second date and among other things we didn't understandably work out.

Honestly I have alot of work to do still. Depressed, anxious, working through my bpd. My reaction to strong emotional stimuli being wonky. I miss my best friend terribly but its confusing being so close to her and I don't think I can be in a normal relationship with her as my bestfriend. Writing this out I've come to my answer but I would like to know what the communities thoughts on this were?