Currently I have ONE group of friends, of which I fell in love with one of the friends. It's been already 6 years that I know him. I have realized it pretty early as well, but tried to hide it from coming out. Lately, it has been killing me tho. And what I did not expect and have also only realized now, is that it was bugging me for all these years - i was struggling with all of this so hard and so long. Never fell in love, because i guess i was already in love. Falling into depression on and off, again and again.  


Now I am about to tell him. I have to tell him that i need to stop seeing him at all. But somehow that cant work, as i am not the only friend in this group. Also I ve been digging to see him all the time these last years. Changing all of that makes me feel so fucking down i cant describe it.  


I've been crying so much these last days. It is so weird. Everything. I am kinda lost with everything else as well. Somehow this has been influencing me so long already and in a bad way. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to think. I dont know what to expect. It just kills me.  


I kinda wanna die right now. And at the same time i do not have the courage to do it.

  
fuck everything -  i dont want to be in this state of mind anymore.