The title is simple. I probably don’t need to repeat myself. I can try to explain myself but I’m not good at explaining things. I can tell you the timeline on my growth and series of events that made me the way I am. 

1998-2005: in a group home (birth parents gave me up) and I was finally adopted into a family in 2005 (at the age of 7). I was quiet but was very sweet. All I cared about was making my friends and the hospital staffs that looked after me, to enjoy themselves with me. I was always smiling and laughing when I play and I was quite adventurous about my imaginations. 

2005-2010: I started elementary and it was hard for me to deal with bullying because of the differences of my appearance. Kids bullied me and the teachers put me down because they assume that I’m dumb and that I won’t understand anything or do anything to the world. I was told that I’m not smart and that I don’t matter. I still managed to keep my optimism going and I was still the brightest kid in the room. 

2011-2012: That year was the only year that I finished grade 3-8 in a single year so I can graduate middle school to go to high school. My new teachers in a different school district  was finally getting one-on-one with me and actually helped me learn and to catch up with my classmates. It was hard for me to finish but I still managed to get it all done. But, alongside my schooling, I was connected to my birth parents and siblings and that family home life was starting to fall apart. Even if my parents gave me up, they still wanted to be in my life. It was always confusing whenever my mom told me that I’m going to come back home soon. I was hopeful. I trusted her. 

2012-2015: My high school started in 2012 and my birth dad left my mom, but he promised me and my sisters that he’ll be back before we know it. Sadly, that was the last time we saw him. I worked hard with my studies and my birth mother started falling apart and got into some hard things. I ended up having to work extra times along with my studying, so I can feed my sisters, whenever my mom have enough food in the kitchen. I took extra credits for culinary classes so I can learn how to cook for my sisters. I did as much as I could to help my sisters and my adopted mom was still pushing me to keep going with my instrument lessons (like piano, violin and guitar). I was working overtime on everything that everyone else wanted from me. I lost the ability to know what I want to do. I forgot what I loved and what I really wanted to do. It was always about my families. 

2016: I turned 18, and more traumatic events happened to me as a woman. My moms told me that I’m a liar and that I’m selfish for lying about what happened to me. Told me that I only crave attention. But what broke me was this saying, “YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THIS FAMILY! I SHOILD’VE GOT RID OF YOU LONG TIME AGO!“ (etc…I don’t remember what else she said). But it broke me to the point that all the identity of who I made myself as for my families, shattered. I had no idea on who I am. I lost myself completely. 

2016: I was homeless for a year, after my families disowned me. I did unspeakable things that forever be my biggest regrets. Worst year of my life. 

2017-2019: My abusive ex boyfriend abused me through those years, because I had no where to go and I was scared to be homeless again. Again. Not my proudest moments. 

2019-2020: I escaped my abusive ex, and I started over in a new city. I was finding myself again and I was feeling happy for the first time. Until my ex found me, and I had to run again to hide. 

2020-2021: I started feeling more numb and I started not caring about anyone or myself. These years ended up being my breaking point, because the end of 2021, my birth mother died. I went back to my family’s hometown to bury my mother with all my siblings who were like strangers to me. 

2022: This whole year, has been a daily struggle to keep myself together. And it has also been the same year that I’ve been diagnosed with BPD. I finally started seeing more clarity on my behaviours and past experiences. Now, I’m trying to figure out how to care again and be more humane to others. The way I was when I was a kid.