\*\*\*TW for suicide\*\*\*

I have, for quite some time now, wanted to die. I often pray to get into a car accident or something, and I often think about suicide, the ways I might do it (with no plan whatsoever), and how I just want to die. When I thought about physically doing it though, I always got a twinge in my stomach. suicide was nothing more than a mere thought because while I wanted to die, I didn't want to kill myself. however recently, I have come to the realization that I need to isolate myself because I cannot be in relationships. no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I act scary in relationships. I have always known this, but because I deeply crave intimacy so much, I always found someone new to obsess over, not caring that I was going to end up adding yet another person to the list of people who had to end things with me because I was so obsessed and unreasonable, and block my number because I lost it when they did, and I would end up in a yet another depressive episode over yet another guy. lately, though, I randomly had a change of mindset, realized just how truly disturbing my life has been, how embarrassed and sad my friends and family would be to know just how crazy I have acted with so many people, and I decided I literally have to isolate myself and be alone forever. I am not capable of living a normal life, and I am so repulsed by my past in a way that I hadn't been until recently. and that has changed my mindset towards suicide. I had a bout of crying just before writing this, where I paced around my apartment, sobbing and whispering that I can't do this, and suicide entered my mind, as it has a lot over the past week or so, but when I thought about physically doing it, there was no twinge in my stomach. the thought didn't freak me out. has anyone else ever had an experience like this?