Never  thought I'd be posting here. Never even knew anything about this  disorder until this weekend. This weekend everything CLICKED. Look, I'm  not an armchair psychologist/psychiatrist or anybody who thinks they  know anything about mental health. I'm not going to self-diagnose myself  or anybody else. What I am though is a smart guy though with doctorate  level education who is observant and can pick up on things. I'm going to  try to keep this as short as possible even though I have so much to  say. Long story short, I strongly believe my fiancee has BPD.

Backstory:

My  fiancee (we'll call her Jessica) and I have been engaged for a mere 3  weeks. She is/was literally the love of my life and I knew I wanted to  marry her. This is big for me because I'm a very indecisive, calculative  person. I was in a relationship for 8 years prior to this and ended  things because I still didn't know whether or not I wanted to marry her.  Jessica and I dated for a little over a year and a half. Of course  we've had our fair share of issues, arguments, fights, etc. but i  thought it was normal (well maybe not "normal" but things we could work through). I noticed she was much more "fiery" than anybody else I've  ever dated. I thought it was just a "latina" thing. I know she's had a  fucked up childhood, she's been married and divorced. I thought I could  help her change. She could literally go from worshiping the ground I  walked on to basically calling me the scum of the earth, that I wasn't a  real man, I didn't deserve her. She would insult me. She would tell me  the most terrible things. She would ghost me, literally ignoring all of  my calls and texts. Or if I was at her place (which is 99% of the time)  she would kick me out, or go to the other side of the bed, or go to the  other room. Mind you this is ALWAYS after I triage of terrible insults.  Things that I would never say to her. These changes in emotion would  always happen in the blink of an eye. She could be all over me one  second and even a simple "change" in my tone of voice or facial  expression could set her off. EVERYTHING was my fault. I was a shitty  person and not a real man. I couldn't do anything right. And attempting  to calm her down when she entered this phase was an impossible feat. No  amount of logic could pierce through that wall when she was seeing red. I  would ALWAYS have to be the one to reach out, to try to reconcile after  an argument. She would NEVER. But she claimed to love me so much? That I  was her "favorite person", that I was the man she always dreamed of, I  was the most handsome person she'd ever seen and she was so lucky to  have me? I was walking around on eggshells constantly. We could be  absolutely perfect but I was always on edge about when the next episode  would occur.

The realization:

Everything  clicked this weekend. She had been ignoring me and not wanting to see  me this past week over something so small (for the third time since our  engagement 3 weeks ago). She's actually "ended" our engagement 3 times  since then. She's deleted me from all social media multiple times. Only  for me to literally beg her to talk to me and then she "idealizes" me  again. The straw that broke the camel's back was this past Friday night.  She had not wanted to see me at all. I asked her if I could come over  on Thursday night (the night before) and she told me no even though I  thought we were actually getting somewhere. We had been talking and it  seemed like things were looking up. Anyway, she calls me Friday night  and tells me that her mom who has been sick tested positive for Covid.  Her mom who she lives with and has had constant physical contact with  (they are very close). Jessica's sad and scared, blah blah blah I get  it. I ask how her mom's doing, if they need anything, etc just how any  normal person would do. Then I say, "Man this sucks I've been wanting to  see you but now I won't for a little while." It was at this moment that  she literally EXPLODES. This episode is the one of the worst that I  have encountered with her. She starts to scream and yell saying "You're a  grown ass man, make a decision." And I'm just like "what? a decision  about what?" And she said "whether you want to see me or not." I explain  to her I'm hesitant about coming over because her mom has Covid while  she's been in very close physical contact. I try to reassure her  multiple times that it has nothing to do with me not wanting to be  there. It had nothing to do with me not caring for her or supporting  her. Shit, I had just tried to see her last night and she said no. Her  reply: "Fuck you, you're a piece of shit. You're never there for me when  I need you. My mom is so sick and I'm not in a good place but you don't  give a shit. You're never here when I need you the most." Followed by  "Fuck you, you're a coward, I hate you, I never want to see you again,  you're not a real man to me, I'm never your priority" etc etc. Then  BEEP. She hangs up on me, just like she's done hundreds of time when she  gets into these episodes. At this point I'm dumbfounded, confused. Then  she calls me back 5 minutes later. As the phone rings stupid me thinks  "Okay she must be feeling bad for what she did and wants to apologize  and reconcile." NOPE. I answer the phone and the first thing that comes  out of her mouth is "If you don't come over tonight I'm breaking up with  you." And I'm just like "huh?" She continues to repeat it, screaming,  yelling, crying. She continues to insult me saying I'm never there for  her, I'm not a man, fuck you, you're a coward, I don't need a man like  you, I can never support her. I try to talk and I can't even get a word  in. ANYTHING I try to say is met with a "FUCK YOU, SHUT THE FUCK UP,  SHUT THE FUCK UP." She tells me we're done, that she's ending our  engagement (for the third time). I try my best to rationalize, to  provide some logic. I tell her your mom has covid, you've been in close  physical contact with her. I'm met with "Oh but she's feeling fine,  she's been quarantining. I don't feel anything." I say again, "you've  been in contact with her while she's had these symptoms and for days  before she became symptomatic. I don't think it's smart to risk this and  especially bring the virus back home to my mom who is unvaccinated."  She becomes even more enraged, screaming at the top of her lungs and  telling me again "Fuck you, you can never be there for me when I need  you the most. I've lost all respect for you. You're not a real man. I'm  not your priority, of course you would choose your mom over me. Fuck  you!!!!" At some point she just hangs up on me again and we haven't  spoken since. The old me would immediately reach out and be like, "Wtf,  why are you acting like this?" But at this point I'm just indifferent,  I'm numb. I'm starting to think I've been painted black. She's lost  close friends that she attributes to them fucking up. She completely  cuts them off. She's talked so much shit about her ex husband and told  me he fucked up so many times that she got to the point where she just  became indifferent towards him (i.e. painting him black). But was it him  or was it her? She's a master at rewriting memories to serve her  narrative. She makes me feel fucking crazy at times, like I'm the one  with the issues. But, like I said, after that episode everything  clicked. I researched and came across BPD. The stories I've read from  significant others have blown my mind. It's almost as if I'm walking in  their shoes. Everything regarding this disorder fits Jessica like a  glove.

Final song:

I  love this girl to death. When we're good it's the most perfect,  blissful experience I could ever imagine. When we're not good, it's a  living hell. I am almost certain she has BPD. She has all the classic,  textbook signs. It honestly saddens me to know that the love of my life  has been living with this mental illness that she most likely isn't  aware of. That she can't control. Before this weekend I've thought maybe  she's just a bitch, an asshhole. Maybe she's just a "latina." Maybe I  can fix her and we can have a healthy relationship. But this epiphany  has completely changed my perspective. Again, it saddens me that this is  likely the cause of our persistent fights. But I love her to death and I  don't want to give up just yet. With that said, how can I let her know  that she may potentially have BPD? How do I navigate it so that she  doesn't become either enraged, dismissive, or defensive? I want her to  get help. I want us to give this a serious attempt at having a happy,  healthy relationship.

TLDR: My fiancee has all the classic, textbook signs of BPD. How do I go about letting her know that she most likely has BPD?