I’m 15 (about to be 16) and I fucked a dude. He’s been my fp since before we did it. I mean it could be argued whether I actually lost my virginity to him, as he didn’t penetrate me, but we did other shit. The night before he told me he liked to take it slow. I thought “fine okay”, I mean I have bpd obv so like I knew that my feelings for him would be, pretty much always, stronger than his were for me. That’s why I fucking hate bpd so much. You will pretty much always love others more than they love you. I was told by family, and friends not to do anything I would regret, and here I am. I’m fucking impossible. I don’t take advice. Me and the guy had a conversation about how I shouldn’t be trippin over him and shit and how we just met, I mean he wasn’t mad, just really blunt. He also said we shouldn’t have fooled around and I agree. I love him so much goddamnit. I guess I thought I could change the world by opening my legs but I only distracted myself. I’m still fucked up and there’s nothing I can do about it. I should have died when I attempted. I mean what am I supposed to do, tell him about my condition, he’ll most certainly leave me, but if I say nothing it boils within me. I just want to hug and kiss him so bad fuck. I was even as crazy about all the hot shit as I was about the cuddling and physical intimacy. I just want to feel loved by another human being. Please for the love of god let this be the one. I love him so much, everything about him, all his fucked up flaws are so beautiful. Goddamnit. I fucked up. 

I need all the support I can. I have not really anyone else.