

Long story short: I've been isolated in a shitty marriage for a long time and was prone to depressive episodes prior to the relationship so my mental health just keeps tanking to new depths. 

Everything feels so complex, and I feel unequipped to deal with it. I am a SAHM, which I know now, has done more damage when it comes to depression than anything else. But they continuously insisted I quit to take care of the children and so I agreed. I heard everything from, "I will take care of us" to "a real mother would stay home with their children if they were given the opportunity." I've been isolated this way for so long that 1. It's hard to get a job with a gap on your resume. 2. I have crippling anxiety that I'll fail. 3. I'll have to work on top of doing everything at the house on top of still being harassed every day - it just feels so overwhelming when taking my mental state into consideration. He says quit your job then accuses me of using him for his money (we've been together a LONG time and I used to work and we have been poor...) and I don't buy myself anything because I feel guilty when I do. Then, when I don't buy anything for myself - he complains that I'm cheap. 

I take care of everything outside of going to a physical job. And then I am endlessly criticized every single day. "Why do I have to ask you 5 times to order me the _____ I want?" "Why are you wearing that shirt, I think it looks sloppy on you." "I need ____. I need _____." "You need to get up and help me find my _____, why aren't you helping me??" "You need to stop forgetting things when you go to the store." "Why are you tired, imagine having to work a real job." 

I try to talk about finances so we're on the same page and he just says, "we're fine, we have enough money." Proceed to apply zero budget to anything. Then, 3 months later he will see the account and start demanding I tell him where all the money went. If I cannot remember every single purchase, he accuses me of taking money or just being bad with money management. He says, "I'll just handle the bills since you obviously can't do it." Like fuuuuuck. 

Just everything - I can't even pick out paint without being told I picked bad colors, or paint without being told I don't do it well enough. Everything in my life is about making his life easier. So taking the blame when something is not my fault. Biting my tongue when he insults me. Not discussing my health at all because it will just make him angry. I have insomnia and feel like I have to hide when I sleep so he doesn't bitch at me for sleeping. If I sleep while he works, it's unfair that I'm sleeping while he works. If I sleep while he sleeps - he says I should be up getting things done. I have already turned the shower on and taken 15 minute naps on the toilet to avoid being questioned about why I'm sleeping. I try to be careful when I speak and what I say. I try not to express my opinions about things. I try not to ask for help - last time I asked for help was after he yelled at me for not mowing the grass soon enough. I asked him if he could help me get the mower out of his shed. He proceeded to yell "so now you can't mow unless I get the tractor out? I shouldn't have to do something that simple, why can't you just do it?" It's just exhausting. 

There just isn't even enough room to write all of the bullshit, but I'm like past my breaking point. I keep trying to do enough, be enough and it just makes no difference. I am sick of feeling alone, sick of crying, sick of this overbearing fatigue. It is just endless. It's reached the point where I think I'm going to have an actual fucking heart attack. I can't think straight anymore. I'm just constantly wondering what I'm going to get bitched at for next. 

I really just get through most days knowing that life is temporary. That one day I will die and that's the light at the end of the tunnel. And even writing this post - I feel like a whiny bitch. I'm just tired of this all being bottled up inside, feeling like my sense of self has slowly disappeared and all that's left is a lingering sense of fear, anxiety, and loneliness.

I don't even know anymore. I walk around like a zombie most days and my only priority anymore is just making sure the kids know I love them and that's literally the only reason I'm still here.