TW:

Tomorrow I'm going to call and set up an appointment with a therapist and then hopefully a psychiatrist. I have to be separated from my boyfriend which is so fucking terrifying but I need to do this for myself. I have yet to be diagnosed with bpd but I have all the traits.  I want a diagnosis as weird as that seems because maybe just maybe once I know what's wrong with me, I can move towards the right steps to take to become a better person. I honestly hate the person I am now and last night I got in a fight with my boyfriend and basically he told me he feels stuck with me and that I'm mentally exhausting to be with and a bunch of other shit. It hurts so bad but I want to change. I dont want to act irresponsibly like a child, lash out and then feel guilty and then make threats of suicide etc. I know I can be abusive and toxic. I cant keep a job because my emotions are everywhere all the time and I cry if someone even raises their voice at me. know I'm not good for anyone to be with right now.. I've been to therapy before but I guess I never really put in the effort to better myself. I need to try and I'm going to.