vent and brief mention of suicide. 

i don’t know what my point is anymore. i had one person who gave me purpose, and lately things have been off. i lost interest, as always. why does this always happen? things felt so normal. i hate it, i hate suddenly dropping and not caring about AMAZING people. anyway, i’ve lost so much sense of self the minute i stopped loving them. i’m in uni now and i’ve never been like more scared for my life. i’m not worried about committing suicide now, it’s just i’m worried about myself in 3 years. i have this dream of helping people in my future, but it’s SHITTY dream. it’s a feeling like: if i’m helping people, then i’m needed and if someone needs me, then i have to stay on this earth. i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know how to explain it to any of my friends it’s like. i don’t know. i just feel at a loss without my fp. it had been so long with them. i thought i was done discarding and this feels like such a setback with everything and i want to sob. they were so important and again, i generally discarded people within a couple months but it’s been a year and a half and it just happened. and now i’m clinging to my one fascination of being the savior now, but what happens when that’s gone too? i’m so tired of this cycle. i’m exhausted. i just want to love freely, i would do anything to have a healthy relationship. the shitty thing is, i don’t even care that they’re gone. all i care about is how i don’t care. but i still miss them. so. much. anyway, sorry if this was hard to follow. i just feel alone.