Just for reference, my name is Cat and I'm 16.

It's been a tough year for me. My life has kind of been a sob story anyways, and I could go into so much more detail about stuff that's happened to me, but it's really only the past year I want to focus on, because that's what's been bothering me the most.

I won't go into too much detail about this, but its where all my problems started. When I was 12, my parents sent me to a Therapeutic Boarding School. It was really traumatic because basically my parents didn't give me any warning, just some random people showed up in my house when I was sleeping and told me to go with them. The boarding school was terrible. They verbally abused me, and the staff targeted me for no reason.

Anyways, I got back from my boarding school when I was 14. My parents decided I should go to a different school than my siblings, so I started a local in person school. But that's when my depression started to worsen. I had a suicide attempt somewhere when I was at that school, and I felt ashamed to go back, so I ended up transferring to an online school. 

I started to feel really isolated. I didn't have many outlets to make friends, so I started making some online. I met this one guy and we started hanging out together a lot. Eventually I started catching feelings for him. I ended up confessing and such, and I know it was a stupid idea, but we basically started dating. Thats when I realized I made a mistake. I won't go into detail, but basically, he lied about a suicide attempt. I don't know why he did it, but I ended up blocking him for it because I was hurt. 

There was another guy who said he liked me a couple months after that. I didn't really want to be in a relationship, but he started posting sexual comments, not specific like posting my name but mostly everyone knew he was talking about me. I asked him to stop, I even asked his friends to tell him to stop because he wasn't listening to me, but he wouldn't so I blocked him.

Then I met a guy at my homeschool co-op. I was happier than I had been really ever. He was really nice, and he seemed to genuinely care about me. We went on a couple dates, and I would even go as far as to say I loved him. He was really supportive of my mental health issues. But suddenly he just... started avoiding me. He never had time to meet up, even though he was with his friends a lot. And even when we were together, he just didn't talk to me the same way. Then one day he called me over Instagram and told me he wanted to break up with me. I was heartbroken. I really, really cared for this guy. I really wanted for it to work out, and that's when my mental health hit an all-time low. 

I went to a PHP program because I couldn't keep myself safe. It helped, especially since I got out of my house. But now that I graduated the program, I don't really know where to go from here. I still have to see my ex when I go to school, and every time that happens, I just feel awful. Like I said, I'm 16, but I feel like I've lived a lifetime. If these are the best years of my life, then I don't really want to know what the worst are. You know what I mean? I don't know how I feel now. I'm not really considering suicide, but I also don't really want to keep going. I guess I just don't care if I live or if I die. Therapy just doesn't seem to do anything for me, if I'm honest, and some days I just feel so terrible I don't know what to do with myself.

I should probably end it there; this post has gotten pretty long. I guess I'm just struggling right now and wondering what my next steps should be. If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them.