I've been depressed before, had visions of killing myself (hanging, shooting, cutting) and felt sick of the joy those daydreams gave me. But I could still function: working toward long term plans, work and school etc.

I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling now. I just can't get out of bed. Can't go to work. Can't go to school. I'm suicidal not because I'm sad/ lost/ lonely/ angry/ pessimistic: I just can't go forward. I'm just out of gas.

I quit my job a month ago. Haven't even put in a new job application. Why bother? I've spent the last 4 weeks pacing my apartment in my underwear drinking and waiting for my will to live to restore itself and it has not. I'll be maxing out my credit card to pay rent soon, not certain I'll be around to pay it off.

My last semester as an undergrad started today. I didn't have to go, but I thought the physical effort might do me some good, now I just feel worse. I've never felt like more of an imposter than in that room: stupid, ugly, poor, unwanted and downright laughable. I'm the worst thing in every room I walk in. 

I'm not just pretending to be an economist, or educated in general. I'm not even human anymore. Not even really here.

I used to think I had moved from being blackpilled to whitepilled (sorry for using those terms, I know their cringe): but that was just a lie. I never renewed my love for life. I've just been pushing back suicide attempts one day at a time, and I'm all out of second chances.

Thanks for reading. I'm too poor for therapy, take care ❤😊