I don't even know where to begin.  
The lost potential kills me everyday.  
I am on a gap year right now and I have completely wasted it lamenting my lost past years and mindlessly scrolling through social media. Despite the gap year I still don't know if I want the degree I'm going to study but I have no choice now. I want to go travel and work overseas but I have no money and I have to finish a degree first. Other than some vague goal of traveling I have no other career goals. I feel completely aimless in life. 

 I feel like I have wasted my life since I was 14. I was clearly struggling but I slipped through the cracks and no one noticed. Since then, everything went downhill.   
I lost all my friends and my whole life was basically school-home-school-home... nothing else. Then COVID hit and I developed a chronic illness in the same year. That was 3 more years just gone.. I don't even remember what I did during those years.   
Now I'm going to be 19 and what do I have to show for it? I still feel stuck in the past. Mentally, I feel 15 but I'm stuck in an adult body.   


I try to set myself goals... But subconsciously I feel I'm already too far gone, so I never follow through. After all If I've been struggling for 5-6 years then whats to say it wont continue? They always say "it'll get better" but has it really? Or have I just repressed everything and pretended it got better?