Hey everyone.  I’m writing this because my friend/new roommate exhibits some traits that I think are pretty concurrent with BPD, but I’m no expert and he won’t see one, so I’m asking for your opinion.

I won’t divulge too much info, but he’s 21, a senior in college, and gay.  I added that last part because I think it’s worth considering the minority stress model for this, especially since he came from a very conservative upbringing in Texas, which has led to a rocky relationship with his family to say the least.  Now that he’s in college and in California, it’s a very different environment, which also brings about more feelings of pressure to conform to a more fit appearance that has led to a slight eating disorder but that’s another story.  Enough background though and more of what I would call signs of symptoms, he’s obviously at a stressful point in his life, especially facing his future, and it’s normal for a range of emotions, but I believe there is more to it.

Being that “I’m the only person that truly understands him and listens”, he often tells me that he is so empty all the time, and he constantly tries to fill it with something in a way that works like a vicious cycle.  At the beginning of this year, he was dating a guy for about two-three months (which about ties with his longest relationship) and got overly attached, so when he was dumped, he settled into a depression, which isn’t that atypical.  I’d be more concerned if he didn’t.  He was depressed for a while, but he had people there for him, even when he sent some alarming texts that seemed on the verge of suicidal thoughts, but after a month, he started acting...erratic.

He wanted to go on a weekend trip up way up in Northern CA and wanted to do it that next weekend.  He was happy and all for that short time and stopped worrying about life and his diet and working out and stuff like that, but on the car ride back, he decided that he would get a dog.  Now this kid is pretty big on making empty promises, but he was dead set on this, so the next week was spent finding a dog, and the week after that was spent on dealing with his old roommate who had had it with him and pushing his demands onto her, not just with the dog but cleanliness, order, etc., and then I was roped into being his next roommate (not the best decision on my behalf but my judgement was clouded).  Anyway, he got the dog the week after, and even though he was prepared with all the right tools and knowledge, he could not bond with the dog and didn’t love it, and within a week, gave it back.  A week after that, he decided maybe a dog wasn’t the best, so he’d go for a cat instead despite not knowing if he was allergic to them or not (it’s only certain ones apparently).

Of course, he then needs to fill the empty void of his life again, so begins dating not so slyly, but he gets enameled by people that are unattainable in some way and then thinks he finds someone, but within two weeks or less loses interest.  I’m not saying he engages in risky sex because I can’t answer that obviously does use sex in general as answer.  As for other things he does, he isn’t exactly poor and even though he complains how often he is broke, his “allowance” is quite large, as in outside of rent and utilities, he gets $350 every two weeks and tends to spend them on toys and such that are rarely used and more like impulse buys of $120 at a time for them plus all the dog and cat stuff lying around.

On his diets, he changed from just being strict to being a vegan and now an lacto-ovo vegetarian with cheat days, but if he gets too sad, he’ll eat whatever he wants, so much that one time he actually barfed.  At parties, he drinks sometimes just a little even when he is a designated driver and when he isn’t, he’ll down a whole bottle of rosé in top of other alcohol and need me to carry him back because I’m the only sober one.  Then he’ll also ask around just to see if someone can hang out with him for lunch right now or go out on the town or do a spontaneous midnight hike, just to fill up time and look for people.  One time he just had a bad day and drove all night around CA, and I mean all night.

So he’s impulsive, but he’s also highly demanding, rigid, and not very understanding like he can’t really see other people’s perspective (so slight narcissist tendencies).  For example, I’ve seen him get mad at people who don’t want to hang out with him right then and there, yell at people that wanted to bring their backpacks somewhere instead of leaving them where they were, and in the case of the previous roommate, getting mad for having the temperature slightly adjusted or having a dirty dish out for too long right as she was about to clean it (she had flaws too but they didn’t quite deal with their problems in a productive way).  This also is more apparent when he is inebriated, being more sarcastic and mean than usually.

Also, this sounds a bit odd, but I find that he has different types of himself, like not full personality splits or anything but a little more outside of the normal adapting that most people do.  I, myself, commonly find that I’m a social chameleon around people that just kind of adapts to their interests, humors, and such, so I can’t really say it’s odd, but for him, there seems to be a more divisibility.  He has artistic persona around his fellow classmates, his gay one around his fellow LGBTQ+ friends, his drunk one at parties even prior to being drunk, his baseline that really isn’t anything around me, and a few others or ones that are like synthesized versions of a few of these.  I digress.

He has had doubts on his career goals, so much that he now still wants to do his art, but at one point he even questioned that and even now he really has no direction and changes what he wants to do all the time.  Even though he was going to take the summer off in what I dubbed a mental health summer to relax and just work on what he wanted, he scrapped that when offered a good job in LA, so he moved right as I was moving in.  So LA had a different environment than even other parts of CA, so added pressure plus a more real job and other factors which had led to more dietary changes and less availability to visit friends, well at least lower tier friends like me.  Although when I was moving in and on the one time he visited, he complains that I’m distant.  And he’s said his before when I’ve been quiet or a little off because I was sad for a day or something (mainly because I was tired of him at that point), but it’s different and I pointed it out to him that it’s odd that he would find it ironic that I’m the distant one when I’m the one who moved in to this place and he’s the one that left for a few months and doesn’t visit.

I know he doesn’t mean distant distant, but emotionally distant because he expects a certain type of understanding and care from me that I’m very good at but I get exhausted and don’t find that someone like him is always deserving, especially when I do show that sort of care, he normally ridicules me for it for...reasons.  But boiling it down, he expects me (and others) to give him all this attention or validation or complains if he doesn’t, even going through FB or IG to point out that I haven’t liked his things in a while, and I’m all for social media stalking but I would never tell someone else that.

Just overall, he someone that seems to be all over the place emotionally sometimes, and I’ve gotten it down to a science, where it’s about every 7-8 days, he repeats the cycle.  He’ll start off of just coming off of a down day and be really happy for the next few days, then something will happen at the end that will send him spiraling into a little depressive episode and he’ll do something reckless or erratic like a random drive or trip somewhere, and then the next day he’ll be fine again, but if you don’t help him in his downs, he’ll get mad and upset until someone helps him back up.  And his bad days aren’t necessarily even that bad, just some little thing can throw him off and the whole day is seen as bad, plus it cascades into other areas of life until he brings you down too.  And it works vice versa too, like he’ll gloss over some bad things trying to make things seem better than they are, especially in convincing someone to do something for him, which is slightly manipulative, and then of course, if you disagree, it could be the thing that sends him down or at least he’ll get upset at you for not being understanding or in agreement.  I tell ya, it’s a vicious cycle.

Anyway, no one’s perfect, and there’s perfection in those imperfections, but I do want to help him if I can or at least know how to deal with him to avoid being on the receiving end of his anger on bad days, but I also just can’t be there for him always because I have a life too and don’t really have time for him like I did, especially for someone that takes a lot more than he gives, and I mean that literally and metaphorically.  In my eyes, I think BPD is the right diagnosis for the fact that his relationships (or friendships at least) are very all or nothing and follow a pretty clear pattern, his self-image is highly dependent on validation too which it gets too inflated sometimes but without it he’s crushed, he’s highly impulsive in almost everything he does, mood changes that happen quite rapidly and within the course of about a week, slight anger problems, and the biggest one for him, the constant feeling of emptiness and just looking for a sense of belonging and home that he forces on places, people, pets, and of course me, and yet nothing seems to feel it; however, I’m open to other opinions as well.

Thanks for the help and advice, and I hope I didn’t misspeak or offend in anyway.  If I did, I apologize, and please tell me what is more appropriate language to use.

P.S.  This morning he woke up and decided to dye his hair either reddish brown or platinum blonde depending on how his poll on instagram goes.  Does this also seem like impulsive behavior typical of BPD?