I've been seeing a girl with bpd. I always thought we were the same and I'm madly in love with her. It took awhile but as I read up more on bpd to try and understand and help her I realized alot of parellels in myself. I was in such a dark state for years barely alive. It took a lot of pain and isolation to understand myself. I was barely existing. I didn't know who I was. I was hurting 24/7.

My lucky break was the gym. Having that structure and seeing my growth/change allowed me to see myself for the first time in a decade. I was always spouting fake positivity bs to my friends when they were suffering which I didn't believe myself. But then one day it clicked and I started believing it. My brain chemistry just changed. I found a reason to exist and i clung to it for dear life. I was taking it to an extreme though, I had to learn to balance it and that the gym was just one face of myself. But it gave me hope in such a shitty life and I ran with it.

Shrooms were also really amazing, it took a little practice and alot of mindfulness but they helped reconnect myself to the little me inside. To cry, to be sad. To take a moment and just be me. To not ignore what I need. To remind myself to honour me. That I matter. The crying is cathartic. The thoughts can be overwhelming. But I love and appreciate life in those moments. The brutal honesty is probably why i will never quit shrooms.

I never thought I'd be a self help book kind of guy. I thought they were stupid and useless, that life taught you everything and that anyone looking for a book for answers couldnt find it themselves. Some kind of stupid inbred superiority based off of reading excerpts from 'nyc best sellers' sham writers who just want to make a quick buck. I was of course proven incorrect. There are people out there who just want to see good in the world. They develope a system over their life and freely give out this information to the world. I've had new perspectives and thought patterns i would never dream of presented to me that resonate so clearly with my soul.

These were the things i felt had the biggest improvement on how i view myself. I'm not sure I'm okay but I do know that the knot that was twisting up my brain into a pretzel has unknotted itself... Now I'm working on undoing all the damage having it like that for years has done. I just want you all to know there's hope. That a lot of us are good people. That we can change, that old habits and self defense techniques can be unlearned. I feel like I've been trapped in a storm drowning my whole life. But now I'm in a boat, i have some control of where I'm going, even though it's still storming.

Choosing to fall in love with my pwbpd has been difficult I'm not perfect and neither is she alot of times we're stuck in our own heads in pain when we argue. This relationship/friendship/companieship? Has had so many twists and turns I don't know where we are currently. She's at a different point in recovery than I am, but I see her trying.. I hope she sees me trying. Learning to trust her has been the most difficult thing in this whole process. I fail often and let my anxieties and over thinking get the best of me but I want to trust her at her word. To listen to her and honour her. To be at her service. To see her grow and be loved. I hope to receive that one day as well. Forgive me for the 2 am rambling but I wanted to write this down before I forget to in the morning. I hope you all stay safe during this pandemic.