yesterday me and my best friend got into it when he was at work (i didnt know he was at work, he facetimed me after i told him i had to talk to him) where i told him i couldn't do this anymore and that i should cut him off because i'm afraid im going to hurt him and that i'm afraid he's gonna leave and i was going thru an episode and he told me some pretty hurtful things that were actually true (i just didnt want to admit it) but i took offense to it :(( i know he didn't mean it like that, because he told me he's sorry if he hurt my feelings but that's how he feels and that he still cares about me. he said he wouldn't leave, but if i wanted to cut him off, i can. he also said i needed professional help and that there's nothing else he could give me as advice because i don't listen, and that a lot of people he knows went thru stuff worser than me and are okay and better. obviously i took it wrong and went on a rant about how he's right and that i'm just a piece of selfish shit, and thats why i need to cut him off. he told me nobody thinks i'm a piece of shit and its just me, and that it's not going to help me at all with this mindset.i didnt want to get him in trouble at work so i told him i loved him and im sorry and i'll talk to him later and i hope he has a good day at work :(((  i couldn't get angry because i knew if i got angry it would make it so much much.

he just said "you too" and it hurt so bad oh my god. it was quiet for 30 seconds before i hung up. i sent him a couple texts apologizing (basically i feel like i was being a manipulative but it wasn't intentionally, i honestly felt hurt) and a playlist i made for him and he still hasn't answered and it's been a day :(((  but he's posting memes on sc about people leaving and not appreciating him. I know they're subs to me. It hurts so much. i want to call him but my pride won't let me bc im afraid he won't answer and it'll make it worse.  im hurting so bad, i think he hates me now y'all. That playlist i made him basically told him how i really felt about him (which is what i was trying to tell him yesterday to begin with i just didn't know how to and i was afraid of rejection) i know i said i had to cut him off but i can't, i feel like i was being contradicting and manipulative but i didn't mean it to come out like that. i mess everything up :((( i hate my life so damn much, i'll never have good friendships. Doesn't help that I'm in love with him either and I don't want this to be the end of us...I want to get help, I really do. It's just hard without some support :(((