Every time I've tried to write this(attempt no. 6!!) its felt pretentious and too long. So I'll just be blunt.

I want to die. I don't want to be alive. My only friend and good relationship is my boyfriend, and I feel theres alot of bias surrounding that.

I've wanted to kill myself for awhile now. I know I don't matter to anyone. I don't have friends. I've been over this 100times in my head and its the same conclusion.

The world is better off without me. 

I've been sprialling down this blackhole of my feelings for years, and I legitimately don't think I've gotten any better since I felt my BPD really began to show years ago.

I just want to be dead. Nothing for me will get better, and I will continue to suffer. There's no one in this life I hate more than myself, and I would love to witness myself suffer and die. A disgusting worm like me deserves to die by the hands of a disgusting worm like me.

But I can't. I'm not allowed to die. My boyfriend would be devastated, and he needs me to keep him afloat and take care of him. I can't even cut myself anymore or I could possibly trigger him to do it, too.

I know if I'm not actively suicidal, how I feel doesn't matter, so I don't really talk to anyone. I can't really talk to my bf or he'll start crying, ans I won't tell anyone else because I know they won't even care superficially. Just a "Oh, me too. I wanna die lol" or an awkward "Oh, that sucks" then never talk to me again because no one wants to talk to the depressed person.

So, I'm unfortunately still stuck here. Alive. It really sucks lol.