I have had a rough month mentally for a lot of reasons, it's a triggerfilled period of time for me, and I get SAD in addition to my bpd/Cptsd. 

I just want to talk to people but I feel like I can sense when I'm being too much, so I want to delete all my social media profiles, and not bother anyone. Even though I know that when I do that it stresses people out. I guess I just want to be validated? It's just that I want it so much, and I want to talk to my friends so much I end up pushing them away for fear of pushing them away. 

I have deactivated a few accounts, like my twitter and whatnot, to just, .. calm down a bit? But I honestly genuinely don't know what to do. Most of the people I love enough to talk to properly about this have shit of their own and I am already a burden in their lives. I don't want to be alone, but I am isolating myself like my life depended on it. I feel like I'm a depressive cloud in their lives, or depression personified, but contagious. 

Lately I've stopped myself from answering things honestly because it would sour the mood so much. Like "what was your favourite toy" and then someone guessed mine, and I was about to answer "that was actually used in a traumatic event for me" before realising, and just doing a laughing emoji instead. I don't want to be like this anymore.

Any words of advice or ..anything, really, would be appreciated.

And sadly no, right now, therapy is not an option.I wish it was.