I feel like an entitled brat idk. My life has been shit, it is shit, shitty things have happened to me my entire life. My childhood was so bad I don't even remember it. But.still, i feel like I it wasn't enough for how depressed I am.

I have these masochistic, deranged urges to put myself in horrible, horrible situations, to have awful things happen to me because maybe then my emotions will finally feel valid and I'll finally be able to take myself seriously, I'll finally be able to admit to myself that I'm *sad*, that I'm sick, and that I need help. 

But, at the same time, I'm in love with my sadness. I love feeling depressed and lonely. I love being upset. I don't know why this is, maybe it's because I've never been happy once in my entire life, and the thought of need emotions such as happiness is intimidating and unfamiliar. I know I probably sound like an edgy teenager, but that's just how I feel. That's just how I am.

I feel like an imposter in my own body, in my own life. I don't think that *this* is *me*, but I don't know what *me* is. I know know who I am, who I want to me. I don't know anything about me. I don't think there ever was a me.

I wish I had horrible things happen to me, so that I'll finally have an excuse to feel sad, maybe people would care. At the same time, i just want to be happy. Have total, complete contentment with my life. I don't know how to feel. I'm so uncertain and scared of the future. I wish I had someone, something to guide me, tell me who I am, whats right, what's wrong, what i should do with my life.

I wish I had an actual family, specifically a mother. I would kill to have a mom, like an *actual* mother, one who gives a shit about me. I wish I could cry on her lap, i wish she'd give me advice, i wish I could tell her things, i wish she drove me to follow my dreams and help me find my ambitions. It's irrational and a waste of time feeling this way, but i can't help it. Idk. I just want my life to be the way I want it to be. I just want to be happy.