Post will mention poor coping mechanisms, impulsive behaviour, sexual assault, suicidal ideation, and self harm.

Hello fellow BPD folk. I've done myself a dumb being off my meds for about a week. Really feeling it and hating myself.

Today's tale: two days ago I travelled to meet a guy for a date. All went well, we got along and had a lovely time. We went back to his place to watch a movie and have a couple of drinks. Suddenly there was an intensely graphic sexual assault scene in the film and I immediately had a breakdown. Trigger me timbers am I right guys? The sounds in that scene were disturbing and I froze, started shaking and crying. My date was understanding when I cut the evening short, apologised and left. I planned to go to a friend's place to sleep as I was out of my hometown but I was in full blown dissociation and came to about 50km down the highway. I panicked and called my ex-fiance, ended up going to his place when I got back to town and dont remember much of the night. I dont remember most of the drive home. I dont remember exactly what happened when I got to my ex's house. I don't remember most of the next day. I slept about 14hrs I think and when I woke up this morning I was a mess. 

So that's where I am now. At home, thoughts racing. Everything in my head telling me what a waste of carbon I am. That I shouldn't be alive. That all I do is make mistakes and place my burdens on others. That I should have just committed better to my attempt two years ago. That a blade in my arm is the best solution. That I should swallow everything in my medicine cabinet and be done with it. I went for a walk this morning before the sun came up and purposefully walked down dark alleys, through poorly lit parks, internally begging to universe to take care of this for me.

I want to yell and scream and break everything in my house. I want to tell everyone in my life to leave alone to die in peace because that would be better, if not for everyone at least for me. My legal case against the man who assaulted me all those years ago has fallen through and he will not be charged which was news I got not long ago. So what, I have to live my life avoiding triggers to flashbacks and he just gets to keep on keeping on? 

Fuck this. Fuck this so hard. 

I'm so angry at myself. I could have avoided feeling like this if I had just gone and got my fucking tablets.