*Posted previously in r/OCD and r/Psychosis. Sorry for spamming the whole Reddit, bear with me. I'm trying to get as much opinions as possible.*


Hello. I've had OCD, full blown anxiety and mild depression for a solid 5 years now but I've showed signs of them well before that. During all these years my obsessions have taken so many forms that it'd be difficult for me to list them all. It's worth mentioning I've never gotten it treated, no CBT, no SSRIs, nothing. Got it diagnosed by a specialist but never continued therapy and continued using medication.

For the last year or so, I've developed a fear of being watched (paranoia). Not exactly fear in the literal meaning of the word but more of a really really uneasy feeling.

One of my strongest obsessions was the fear of developing schizophrenia later in life. I wouldn't have cared that much if my first cousin hadn't been full blown paranoid schizophrenic and if I hadn't used illicit drugs in the past. My psychiatrist told me the genetic predisposition is negligible. No other family history of psychosis but bipolar and OCD. I'm so so convinced I'm gonna become like my cousin really soon. I constantly compare every action I do to hers and try to avoid her behaviour traits I see in myself as much as possible.


Here comes my current obsession - a few months ago I masturbated in my room but forgot to shut my blinds properly (or so I thought). Wouldn't have cared that much if there wasn't that huge apartment complex just fifteen meters in front of my room. Sounds insane but I'm ashamed of looking through that window and into the building outside because of the fear that someone might have seen me and I might get blackmailed with a video of me doing my dirty little secret. Or people might mock me when I'm outside. Not that it couldn't happen if I don't show up on that window too lol. 
I don't think I will survive the following harassment and bullying. I was bullied my entire life, I don't want this to continue. I don't live in the best neighborhood either.  What is even crazier is that I might be so far away from home but if I hear some people laughing near me, my brain would somehow associate it with the stuff I mentioned above. It's ridiculous. I avoid eye contact with people around my neighborhood and have a feeling a lot of people know about my secret, I'm extremely suspicious. If someone looks at me a bit odd, I get a panic attack. Avoiding certain places of my house is a part of the whole game as well. Well, in theory it's possible they *might* know about it but that chance is insanely insanely low. Still, it gives me hellish anxiety. A lot of time has passed since then but the episodes don't subside.

It sounds literally like paranoia, checked its symptoms and I got them all. I (still) don't have some bizarre beliefs like the aliens are stalking me or the government is trying to poison me but I feel like they might appear soon. My fear is rooted in reality but it just won't go. I will only be at peace if I ask those neighbours in front of me if they have seen anything but this sounds even crazier. I just want to not care and not fear the worst.


How does that sound to you, does it sound like I'm becoming a schizophrenic? As I said, I understand that the chance of the stuff I mentioned happening is quite slim but it still brings me immense amount of anxiety. I hope so so much that it's my social anxiety and OCD presenting themselves in the form of paranoia rather than psychosis. Any help is appreciated, I'm desperate.