It's hard to live an empty life. Not that I don't have anything to live for. I have a great job which pays me nicely, I have a loving mom and a little brother. I have nice friends.

But my BPD (I don't if I even have one but I have all the symptoms) just ruins everything for me. I can't appreciate good things in my life enough. I always feel bored and empty. I try to fill those voids by smoking a joint but I know that is not a solution. It is hard.

So, I have this FP, she is a girl btw. I know I don't have feelings for her. But being with her just makes me so calm, makes me safe, makes me happy. But she is usually busy with her work and all. She has bf so she spends time with him also. Her having a bf doesn't make jealous at all. But I constantly want to spend time with her.

This makes me have a lot expectations from her, which is toxic. 

I don't know what's right or wrong. I don't know who I am now. It's like I am an empty vessel, just working to feed my stomach, and existing for my mom and brother. I want to be happy. I can't do this anymore. I hate this obsession . I hate seeking attention. I don't know what to do.