Hi guys! 

First time posting here, though I've been lurking on this subreddit for quite some time now. Also would like to disclaim that I am not formally diagnosed with bpd. Probably not necessary to add, but I only became suspicious I might have bpd (or strong traits or whatever) after beginning therapy. It wasn't until my therapist would explicitly point out during sessions that I basically have textbook symptoms of bpd without saying "You have bpd". I feel it's necessary to say that I do not believe I purposely created conversations surrounding experiencing symptoms of bpd. Before therapy I even cancelled out having bpd because I wasn't aware I experienced splitting or abandonment issues until he pointed it out. After awhile it naturally made me think "Hmm... this sounds quite a lot like bpd. Is he hinting that I have bpd and just expects me to assume? Wait, no. I shouldn't assume because that means I'm self-diagnosing. I should just ask him. But wait, if I ask him that'll make it seem like I'm self-diagnosing! Then what if he says no. Then I'll just feel stupid and dumb and dramatic, Got dammit..." So yeah. I guess this entire bit is unnecessary but I wanted to make sure it was known that, to my knowledge, I am not diagnosed (otherwise I would feel like an impostor) and why I am still posting here directly. I do not want anyone to tell me if I do or do not have bpd. That's not the point.

Anyway, right now I am currently dealing with splitting that's pretty dramatic even for me. My mind has been flip flopping on whether I love or hate this guy I just met in person about three weeks ago. We meet up on a dating app, and at first I was only interested in sex but after our second hookup last week, I've been pretty darn obsessed with him. After our second hookup, I knew I was in love and that the only way to make sure he loves me is through having more and more sex. We have a large age gap but that surely didn't prevent me from daydreaming about meeting his parents and friends and moving in together. Then on the flip side, I feel like I am being cruelly ignored and spitted on when he doesn't respond back. He's a cop who works long ass hours but that doesn't prevent my mood from crashing when I can't talk to him. A few days ago I felt so rejected and angry when he wasn't able to have sex one day due to working late. It felt like an excuse. I believe if he wanted me bad enough he would have found a way to still come see me after I expressed I wanted to see him.

And then just last night I messaged him and he didn't respond. And oh boy, this lead me to having rapid thoughts of how he's found another girl with an even hotter body and prettier face (when we first met up he couldn't stop raving about how amazing my face and body was), how he hates me now and regrets meeting me, how he manipulated me into liking him only to leave me and how I am never gonna speak to him again. Then I woke up like around 3a to a direct photo snapchat of him looking tired which stated how he just got in from work. In the moment I was still pissed that he didn't respond earlier and so I just ignored it. I even thought he looked incredibly ugly and disgusting. Then a second after putting my phone down, adrenaline rushed through me and I got so freaking happy. I felt so love and blessed and special that he thought to contact me directly after getting home from work. I sent three messages back and went back to sleep happy. I woke up this morning to see he opened my snap, but he didn't respond. Now I am honestly back to fuck this guy and I honestly will never reach out to him again. If he really cares, he'll reach out to see me again. If not, well then that's the end of our little liaison. I'm not gonna act like a little puppy who will keep getting kicked around.

I don't even know for sure why I'm posting. Like I want advice but I am already kinda dead set on just cutting off communication as the path I'm heading down is just a messy one. I am reluctant to talk to friends or whatever because I feel like they'll be dismissive of my situation and just judge me as dramatic and weak. If you have any advice, thoughts or related experiences please share. 

Also, sorry if this is too long guys. I just need some type of outlet. I haven't been in therapy for a week, and then my therapist is also out of office this week so I'm just stuck with so many thoughts and feelings. I just need to express my feelings because everything is making me wanna slam my head into the wall. I guess my whole deal with this guy situation is that it proves I'm incapable of finding someone that would want to stick around with me. Like ofc he isn't gonna wanna see me again. Just proves I'm dramatic and annoying and clingy. I just want attention to be on me 24/7. I have no solid relationships of any kind. People are so quick to ignore and walk out on me so I do the got damn same thing. Someone is always doing me wrong or some shit. Even people I don't know seem to hate me for some reason. I can't stand myself right now. I don't know. I really don't know.