This year has been pretty rough on me. I've definitely had worse years emotion wise, but this one has been full of loss. 

First my kid brother stopped talking to me completely. We were incredibly close as kids, and endured a lot of abuse together. He has always been one of the most important things in my life, and was the only thing that kept me from killing myself years back. But we both came out of our shared abuse with severe mental illness. His is extreme OCD. He hasn't left home in over a year, and can't look at anything that reminds him of our childhood, which recently extended to me. Just the sight of me sends him into a mental breakdown, which, he has explained to me isn't my fault, but he doesn't want to see me anymore. Maybe ever again. Which has really killed me. Ive tried everything I can to support him and get him help, but I can't do anything if he doesn't want help. I wasn't ready to let him go, but it wasn't my choice to make. 

Around the same time I cut off our mother. I had gone no contact a long time ago, but for the last two years I was giving her another chance. I really do love my mother. We have a great time together when things are light and uncomplicated. She wasn't the main abuser in our household, so when she left my father, I let her back into my life. 
But she did some things this year that made me face the fact that having her in my life causes me more emotional distress then growth, and I had to put up boundaries, that she was not willing to respect. 

THEN I lost my longest friendship. The only person I still had from my old life. My friend and I have always been different people. She was always more hippy dippy, way into communism, anarchy, and spiritualism, while I've always been a realist who sees the world in varying shades of gray, and doesn't like to endorse any political movement or figure without pointing out it's flaws. Despite her idealism, and my nialism we, always have fun together, have good conversations, and uplift each other. We have managed to maintain this friendship for over a decade, which is twice as long as anyone else in my life. 
It all went screwy however, when she started telling me this year that she was "a system" and had multiple people living inside her head, and asked me to call each of the "alters" by different names, and treat "them" like individuals. This was COMPLETELY out of left field, and is not something I ever saw coming based on our years of personal interaction. 
After talking to my therapist about it, I became fairly certain that this was unhealthy, and she had just convinced herself of this to deal with some personal issues she was having at the time. In a possibly misguided attempt to help, I confronted her, and told her I was worried about her, and expressed concern that this was a dangerous road. She did not take it well, told me I was an ableist asshole, and said she didn't want to speak to me again. Which is... Great. I wasn't mean. I didn't say anything disparaging her character, but I probably could have handled it better. My lack of believe in her "multiple identities" was not something she was willing to overlook or address. So the longest standing relationship in my life is over. 

My adoptive mother also became incredibly withdrawn this year after the death of her mother, so I haven't had any support from that end either. 

Not to mention my elderly cat is getting a little more sedentary, and I've been worrying about how much time she has left.

So I'm left with my adoptive sister, my amazing girlfriend, and 1 friend, as the only people remaining in my life. The only people who know who I am.  And I am so incredibly afraid of losing them. People seem to come in and out of my life like potato chips. I have no one left in my life who knew me before 17. I feel like my whole childhood has been erased. There is no one else left to remember it with me. It feels less real now somehow.
I feel so overwhelmed with the thought of losing my partner. Our relationship is very strong, and I don't have any sense that she has considered leaving me. I'm more just afraid that she'll die in a car accident or something, and the one person who loved me for me will be gone. It seems like no one I love stays with me for long. 

I've become really withdrawn, and emotionally shut down. I'm so overwhelmed with the fear of loss that I haven't made new connections in a long time. I always dip out before I get to the part where I really start caring about the person. Caring always leads me to heartbreak, and very few people are worth putting myself through that. But I don't want to live like this anymore. I *want* to care. I *want* to have people in my life for support, and fun, and human interaction. But I just can't let go of that fear. It's so strong, it's crippling. I don't know how to get past it. I can't control the incredibly strong emotions I'm having to deal with.

Even when I try to just enjoy what I have, theres this voice in my head telling me not to care about something too much, or the universe will steal it from me. Like my love is capable of putting someone in danger, just because I'm that much of a jinx. 

How do I accept the possibility of loss without it causing me to withhold my attachments? I just want to be able to care about someone without the fear that that love with cause them to die or leave me.