When 'up', I feel I am very idealistic, extremely so, and I feel capable of accomplishing anything and the world is full of endless possibilities.  I am upbeat, optimistic, talk rapidly, passionately, certain.  It feels like me.

And then I go down.  And that's the real me.  I am alone, empty, worthless.  Dead inside.  Don't want to be.  Both are true, and neither.

It's taken me a long time to recognise that I'm still broken despite trying so hard to fix myself.  

Does anyone else feel like they have a lot of love, cherish friendship and intimacy, connection, and yet their life is devoid mostly of those things and you can't let anyone get too close?

I'm not sure.  I've recently started medication for bipolar, but I still am trying to understand.  Maybe I'm just lazy and dumb.  I am I know that but maybe it's more?  

I've always struggled with focus.  I am spread thin around many interests, and struggle to make decent progress in any. 

I feel ashamed around people, subhuman, although I am relatively decent at maintaining conversations, being funny, playing that character.  

I've fallen into significant credit debt, I had been doing well for a while, but when it starts to fall apart it collapses.  I just thought I'd kill myself in a few months so I'll just throw caution to the wind.  I don't have much to live for anyways. 

But I'm still here.  Doing ok at my job but also finding it draining emotionally I guess.  I'm stressed at being at the edge of financial ruin, homelessness, etc, and having nobody to turn to. 

I'm trying to work more hours, spend less, but I also struggle so much I'm a bit worried about falling apart again and falling even further.  

Often feels like a lot of struggling to drown a little slower.