When I feel like I am not able to choose for myself, I always suffer about it, when I am with many people, I talk to them but they never understand a thing, I guess, my  voice is too low when I speak normally, so I have to scream every single word to reach a level that others will understand, and my voice when I scream sounds ridicolous. But it's not only that, they seem to ignore me and my words, sometimes they even tell me that they don't care, no one takes me seriously, they see me as too childish,  no one would imagine that I am typing this because I belive they don't even consider the idea that I could have emotions, or even a mind. The sensation of being happy feels horrible, it's like I'm euphoric, it feels like I am not me, it doesn't feel like an happiness that I can feel from the inside, but it feels like a chemical reaction. For the first time, I tried to do the opposite of what made me sad, I stayed alone, I passed some time in nature, I didn't talk, I choose for myself, I acted more maturely, but the result was that I discovered that those also make me suffer. Then maybe I could be in the middle? I hate even that. I never feel like I am being myself, but being myself also hurts.  Simply existing hurts so much, no one understands because everyone at least has reasons to be depressed, I just am because I exist. Even the me typing this didn't feel like myself.