This is a long as hell read, and I’m a terrible writer. Please do help though, you’re kind of all I have for now and would appreciate it a bunch. 

Hey guys. I’ll be deleting this post in a couple of hours as I know my gf traffics this page semi regularly. 

I’ve (m21) been with my girlfriend (f22) for just over a year now. It was very rushed, I fell very deeply in love with her very quickly. Her only active parent kicked her out over a petty amount of cash that wasn’t actually owed to her so she temporarily moved in. Then her inactive father (that she hadn’t seen in 2+ years) offered (after much begging) to take her in. All went horrifically for about 3 weeks when his wife booted him out and filed for a divorce. 

#we are at about month 3/4 now

So I rent off of a relative in a ‘cosy’ house, my relative offered her a spot in my room for rent and that was that. It honestly went amazing, I was finishing college, got into university. We were working, saving for summer. 

Now this is where it started to heat up (relationship - no pun intended) I covered her financially for a holiday, cost roughly £600 to cover. We had what was the best summer of my life so far, we laughed, got high, we were all over each other and I really was enthralled by her being her. This would also be a good time to let you know that the BPD was undiagnosed and I hadn’t a glimpse of mental illness bar the fact her mother isn’t well herself. She’d been upset over being kicked out, her paternal reunion and financial stresses but hey, sometimes I want to cry over every day things.

Now we are at month 7/8. 

I start university, She’s in between jobs. Maybe the 5th since I’d met her. Everything was swimming, I was laid back about the money she owed me, we were still completely smitten and quite honestly life looked nearly 100%. Then, we started to bicker, I wanted to start going back to having my own time. We’d just spent every ticking moment of the last 7-8 months together, at one point we even worked in the same fucking pub. I loved her but everyone needs to chow down on some me time, ya know? 

As I became more strict on this, we started to argue more. Then she lost another job just as rent was due and I had to cover her for that, this is where the ‘cracks’ started to show. I say that kind heartedly but the pressure started to kind of *wash away* what I know of my GF and we were arguing near enough 24/7. She then became a stripper, I had no issue with the job but the fact she started shoving coke up her nose and vodka down her throat every shift really didn’t sit right with me and this made it even worse, THEN she unluckily (whilst on the contraceptive pill to treat her PCOS) fell pregnant.

TLDR; Now try to conceptualise this; My GF who was undiagnosed was kicked out with little reason by her only active parent, was reunited with her father after 2+ years who offered a room to her. Was then booted out 3 weeks later because her mother in law that she’d met once wanted a divorce. Was in and out of jobs for the majority of summer, unable to catch up financially and then coming into the new academic year (for me), just as she was nearly caught up, she loses her job just before rent is due. So resorts to stripping, where she starts to abuse cocaine and alcohol and then unluckily falls pregnant.

#NOW

(We didn’t know she was pregnant at this point due to her being on contraception, we found out at 15weeks) At this point we are fucking at it, every single fucking day. There was a single moment every day where I questioned what the fuck I was doing because everything I did was wrong; this made me not what want to spend time with her and I basically deserted her, she would be in the bedroom crying over and over, rocking back and forth, breakdown after breakdown - every single day. And I really tried to be there but she just verbally abused me every moment and this just pushed me further and further away. 

I’m going to skip the rest because its more of the same but we finally reached an ultimatum (delivered by me) that she goes and gets help. I was the one to identify what was wrong with her and am still to this day trying to get her to pursue help. She’s got a job that she’s had for 6 weeks, money is starting to catch up and we are so so much better. I actually enjoy her company again, she talks to me and I talk to her. I’m actually really proud of her and where she’s got to from looking back 4 months ago. I find her astoundingly beautiful inside and out again and the flame that really felt like it had been put at the bottom of a fucking ocean now feels rekindled. 

(One last mini paragraph for whatever poor person has read this (I love you for reading to here))

We’re still not perfect, and her breakdowns are still frequent. But she does acknowledge them, way quicker and without so much of me having to explain the same point over and over. I feel less abused but still in that bracket at times even though she notices near enough instantly now where before it would take hours of abuse just to get into her brain an inch. 

Where do I go from here? I fucking love this girl but my mental health is really depleted; and I know people are going to think “well what about her” but I’m thinking of myself here. 

Any advice would be amazing as this is the first time I’ve ever read into the disorder or seeked help from the community around it.

Thank you for reading if you did, really big love for you. Have a blessed day/evening/night/morning x