So i got diagnosed w/ bpd and ptsd by my therapist over this summer. i went to see her after getting discharged from the military for mdd/anxiety/insomnia and all that bullshit. and tbh idk how i feel about the diagnosis. like, idk. i feel like if you tell someone you have this disorder they automatically assume your some manipulative piece of fucking shit. and while i do have the capability to be cunning, manipulative, and all that, i dont do that all the time and i try not to exhibit those behaviors. i think its learned from my mother, who i suspect has NPD, and i feel like i am ultimately just a conduit in her life and she does not give a shit about me or my sisters or anyone else. i guess i have an abandonment problem, (my mom left us a lot throughout childhood)but like i dont go to great lengths to avoid it. its just always in the back of my mind and i feel like everyone is going to leave. i have had a history of substance abuse, not anything in particular just whatever i can get my hands on, and self harm here and there when things got real bad. cant sleep a lot, paranoid, always “on edge” and i feel like my persona is off-putting to most people and i do this subconsciously in order to keep people out. idk. sigh. however i feel like a lot of my “symptoms” can just be attributed to PTSD. and i wonder why i even have bpd or ptsd from my childhood because while yes i come from a broken and neglected home there are people who had it way worse than me, why did i let it bother me? why didnt i just brush it off? why’d i let myself get to this point? my house got broken into this summer and i go back and forth between sympathizing with the perpetrator or wanting to take full on revenge. idk maybe im saying too much. i just think that despite all this horseshit and despite my diagnosis i am still my own person, and i wonder if some of these traits are just who i am, or if its part of the diagnosis or what. basically im confused and its been fucking with my head for months. ive done some fucked up things but i have a good heart, i know i do. ive broken my back for people when i had nothing and it gets thrown back in my face and i dont want shit in return except for someone to just try to understand and really fuckin care and see past all my baggage.