Hey there. Possible trigger warnings of SH and suicide attempt. Also quite long, sorry.

So I've posted once before in this sub, and I believe it's about time I post again. 

I keep going through the cycles of getting better, getting worse, getting better, getting worse etc. But I am noticing that every slip up is getting bigger and bigger and the highs are getting shorter and shorter.

I quit drinking, was successful for a month, started again, decided to quit once I started drinking at work again. Quit for a week after that until I went to my best friends BBQ, got extremely drunk and loud and aggressive. Burnt myself with cigarettes, the worst burns i've ever made. Cried my eyes out about what a state I am and how terrible I am etc.

That was two weeks ago. 

The following Saturday after that I made the choice to hand in my 4 weeks notice at my part time retail job. I was due to go on a "lads" drinking holiday the day after; I was unsure of whether I'd drink or not due to my rocky history with alcohol. However, after quitting, I felt so incredibly positive about my future, that I was taking the first steps in the right direction.

So I decided I could drink responsibly on the holiday and have fun. It went well for the whole holiday until the last night. Now being with four other guys and an easy target, all my friends were taking the Mick out of me the entire holiday. Normally I have a very high threshold for  things like this, but when it's the same jokes repeated over and over, it does lose its humour. It's especially hard when your best friend, who is never like this, is one of the people joining in, just to impress the guy who usually comes out with all the jokes.

I did my best to keep it together and keep it cool, generally avoided the two of them as they were starting to get annoying to be around.
The last night I had gotten very drunk and I snapped. I called my best friend some nasty things, told him I hate him and that I wished he would die. His response was simply why are you still here. So to that I said, why am I and I got up and left the group.

We were on a bar crawl with a bunch of people so I just went around talking to other people, having more fun than I did with them anyway tbh. A couple of hours go by and I'm avoiding all of my friends. Suddenly I'm talking to one of them, that I still liked, and mentioning how maybe I'll just get a bunch of painkillers and drink them all and that this is goodbye. He says don't you dare and I tell him I can't promise anything and leave again.

Once I've said this out loud, it was the only thing I could think of. So I went across the street, bought some painkillers, emptied them out into my hand and bought a drink. 

Terrible as it is, I not only wanted to take my life but I wanted my best friend to feel responsible, so I seeked out to find him but when I couldn't i just went to a different friend and said: 
"Tell D that I hate him"
And I opened my hand, laughed and drank all the pills, then walked away.

I found an alleyway and just sat there waiting until that same friend finds me, pushes me against the wall and sticks his fingers down my throat. I threw them all up.

After this, the guilt I felt was immense. I ended up talking to my best friend and apologising for my behaviour and all I requested is that we try and enjoy the rest of the night, which I actually really did.

That was my first time ever attempting suicide.

My body was acting on emotion, yet subconsciously my rational mind must have fought it, especially if I told them i was about to do it. I even texted my family and friends telling them I love them.

Now I know I can carry on and pretend it never happened or even make jokes about it, but where does that get me? Ill have a few good days/weeks if I'm lucky and then I'll spiral again, and maybe I'll try again. I don't know. I'm just so scared.