i’ve recently self diagnosed with bpd. i’ve been to two meetings with a psychiatrist who refuses to give me a diagnosis yet. i’ve been put on an ssri and am trying to get into a dbt group and also continue with my one-on-one therapy. i’ve been frustrated today because i’ve started correcting the behaviors that i’ve linked with bpd that i’ve realized are negatively affecting my life and the lives of those around me. it’s only been a couple of days of doing this but i’m already exhausted. it also hasn’t really changed any of my internal self. i still end up feeling suicidal at least once a day and feeling empty. i’m worried that this is all life has to offer. that i’ll just continue to correct my behaviors and still either feel nothing or feel everything “too much”.

i also recently lost a friend due to it being seemingly too difficult to deal with me. another person i had considered one of my closest friends told me that i’m manipulative and that they don’t actually like me that much. both of these people had recently been kind of supporting me through a couple intense suicidal months while i tried to remain in school. it’s made me question all of my relationships and question whether i even have the ability to genuinely mutually love and care for someone. 

i feel very scared that this is all i’ll ever get to experience. i feel very hopeless. my whole life i’ve been making what i thought were the right choices but i now feel like they were all actually wrong. i don’t know what to do.