In December me [21F] and my girlfriend [20F] broke up for over a month and it absolutely destroyed me. I went off on her in ways I’m absolutely ashamed of. Last week we managed to work things out but she left me again yesterday... I thought things were going great, in that time we didn’t fight at all. 

When she broke up with me this time she just said she didn’t think it’d work out and that she still loved me and that “I mean everything to her” still... then she threatened suicide and started saying things about how she only came back out of “obligation” when I was finally starting to cope with not having her in my life. It set me off again and I said some things I’m not proud of and she came back saying that the reason she couldn’t be with me was because I treat her like shit... every time we’ve been together I’ve always done everything to meet her needs and for the most part when I’m with her my BPD doesn’t “act up”.

I don’t know what to do anymore. She means the world to me and I’d do anything for her, I love her more than anyone and I’m attached to her more than I’ve ever been with anybody else. I don’t have any other friends or family, right now I’m just alone and scared and the thought of losing her forever again makes me want to jump off a bridge solely so I don’t have to deal with the pain. 

I don’t know how to fix myself which I assume is what she wants me to do. I’m so lost. 