CW: Suicide talk, pedophilia, narcissist father

My FP isn't meeting my needs but I still fucking love him. He's stressed. I'm stressed. I've been smoking like a goddamn chimney trying to cope, and I can't stop going 2 days straight without sleep before passing out for 12 hours, over and over again. I promised my therapist to not kill myself this week. I was already making plans. Everything hurts so much.

He's not talking enough to me. He disappears. He never compliments me and I feel like an idiot asking. I know he's been having mental health issues but I'm honestly a whole mess. And sometimes I sit there and feel this deep sinking feeling inside of my stomach, the one of loneliness. It's a feeling like nothing else, I couldn't possibly describe it to someone else. A combination of fear and sadness?

I'm scared of going out to talk to people. The last people I've talked to were my neighbors, after I went out with the dad of the... *Absolute motherfucker* who molested me when I was a kid. He apologized profusely and told me things about my narcissistic liar of a father that I didn't know. And I believed him, because it honestly wasn't unlikely for someone like my dad to do those things. He said the most disgusting thing to them and then dared to lie to us that they threatened him for reprimanding their little daughter. I wanted to cry.

And then the guy who felt me up when I was younger came along while we were speaking. It was really nice until then. He denied everything. Even as I recalled in vivid detail. It was disgusting, I broke down. I was scared of the mess I'd be getting into if I had a case in court, but I'm planning on reporting it sometime. I was thinking Monday, but they don't accept people with court cases to the mental health facility I'm intending to go to. I'm fucked. But I hate him so much. I don't know what to do, I need help so badly and all the psychiatrists I know are on holiday. I don't wanna go to a fucking hospital. I'm so sick of everything.

Someone distract me from this shit and give me some advice on where to meet people. I'm a gay trans guy, a grown ass man who's dropped out of high school and no one ever fucking bothers with me on Tinder. I hate men so much.