1)This experience had no drugs or alcohol.
Back in 2012 when I first showed signs of BP1 I had an experience where it felt like demons or dark spirits came to me. It started with high anxiety each day. I’m not kidding but they or whatever it was told me “kill yourself, you can’t do this, you’re too weak.” And more that I can’t remember. I lost like 15 lbs in 2 weeks.

This went on for 2 weeks. Being raised Mormon didn’t help because I felt the devil sent these to me to destroy my soul. That I was paying for sins through this pain. ^(that is due to my religious ocd(scrupulosity)
What would be anyone’s take on this?

2) In 2017 due to childhood trauma I started to smoke marijuana. Which sent me into a manic/psychotic episode. I was so paranoid that a roommate of mine was out to get me. I got a hotel for 3 nights. My first night I went in to shower and get ready for bed.

I’m laying in bed with the tv on and all of a sudden I hear someone or something punch the door. Yes, I understand I was on marijuana. This experience felt so real. And once again I took it like the devil was after me. 

A week later when I was at my dads house I swear a spirit came to try and suffocate me. I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t move. When I tried to rebuke it I heard the most evil sounding voice which was in my head. I cried and threw myself to my dad telling him I was being attacked. He just held me and told me I would be ok. The experience with the knock/punch on the door made me so scared I couldn’t sleep without a light on for a year and a half. 

I didn’t wanna talk to a psychiatrist about that because I didn’t understand mental health. I thought I was gonna be locked up. Whenever I heard a noise at night that sounds like a knock I still get a little nervous. I’ve been better about it and now I just tell the spirits or whatever is in my head to piss off and give them the finger.

What would be anyone’s take on this? I’m truly trying to reach out if anyone had anything similar? I try to deny it wasn’t spirits but my religious ocd and my Mormon upbringing makes me think it was real. I no longer practice. Thank you for listening