ive struggled since i can remember. a combo of childhood and mental disorders has made life very difficult. my depressive episodes are too strong. all of my episodes are, but my depression is the most life-altering. recently i have started cutting. i never let myself cut before, i thought i was above it. until i finally resorted to self harm. i remember having a terrible episode, i could not move i was so sad. i kept having thoughts to hurt myself. it was the only thing i could think: hurt yourself. you will feel better. 
and i did. 
this new coping mechanism scares me. my depression turns into mania, and it seems like i just solved all of my problems. 
until i calm down. once i finally think about what i have done, i get very scared. i dont know the point of this post. all i know is i scare myself. i am scared a loved one will see my scars. im scared they will not understand. so much shame comes with this disorder i feel like i was destined to fail.