TW su*cidal thoughts

If I already struggle imagining myself alive in the future? If I already struggle acting like I'm happy and I'm ready to start university. Like I'm not anxious moving to my bfs city. Acting like I don't have the fear of losing everything once I move or make any "unsafe" decision at all. Keeping all the anxious and irrational thoughts inside of me, bottled up, because I can't tell myself since he struggles himself and this would just encourage his own anxious thoughts. Not even being able to tell this to my therapist since I simply don't have the time due to me having to prove to her that I'm not suicidal. "Can you promise that I'll see you here next time?" Sure, what else am I supposed to say? I don't have the time and energy for the ward, you already tried to send me into the emergency room and they simply didn't have the time for me. 

Having to be cautious about what to say because everything might be used against me, atleast that's what it feels like. I'm just tired man, why is there noone who can just... Hug me and make it feel real. I have people huffing me but it always just feels like a task they do. It never feels real.