Most part of my life, since I was a kid, we've been moving, because no place is perfect for my father. Thus no, I don't have any childhood friends. By that time it didn't seem so bad, but looking back, it sure helped me a lot to become asocial.

Kids on school would usually pick on me, but nothing much terrible tbh. When reaching teenagehood, I'd even try to approach people but it didn't work. Same for college. Let's say they would all be colleagues, at the latest. I couldn't bond with anyone. And so it is.

I don't feel like doing anything. At all. I got this synthesizer and I can't play it because I still suck at music. Same goes for an old guitar and even a trumpet I got here. I used to draw when I was a kid, but it was terrible and sometime in the past I dropped it. I've been trying to learn web development/programming (with some success), but I honestly don't expect much since you need "experience" to get any kind of job in most areas. And to make things worse, it's hard to keep doing things when you drop them so fast. I've barely managed to graduate, even if everything I'd do (papers, presentations and so on) pleased the professors. I also had this huge problem with porn and masturbation. I've quit masturbation and am slowly quiting porn, but 15 years of this filthy vice won't be solved in some months, of course.

And now, all I feel is despair, a void, an emptyness. I feel I shouldn't have been born and I wish I died years ago when I almost drowned in the beach. Never even had this "sparkle" people claim to have to become something (for instance, an engineer, a doctor etc). What hurts me the most is not having a job, my own house and a job/career. Funny enough people would praise me so much for my &lt;&lt;intelligence&gt;&gt;. Guess it's not enough to become someone, uh?

Regarding feelings, I don't feel anything for my parents or even myself. The closest to "love" I ever felt was for my little cat, who died 2 years ago. Other than that, I don't feel empathy for no person. I also don't feel comfortable when I'm close to people. Ofc, for living at my own, lonely in my house, it'd okay, but it would be terrible in a workplace, for instance. I've always been a nervous, revolted and angry person, even tho I didn't demonstrate it in public and it only seems to get worse with time.

I feel so tired of living. Honestly, I still blame my parents for "making" me. I wish I could simply get castaway in some desert island and finally forget any thoughts/responsabilities/conditions related to society and life itself.