I met a guy a couple weeks ago on bumble. He's a therapist. He convinced me he was in a unique position to understand my PTSD and anxiety disorder. He soothed me so much over text and phone conversations. I expressed my fear that he would "flip" on me, because I tend to attract men who seem very sweet and amazing and then surprise, they drop the mask and they're manipulative and emotionally abusive. Usually happens within a few weeks. He told me who he was on the phone was exactly who he would always be.

Of course the relationship developed at an accelerated pace like an unknown virus in a petri dish in a sci-fi movie. Every single time I swear it's not going to happen again. I'm going to take it slow, like normal people do. But I'm limiting my search for partners to the Island of Misfit Toys, and I connect so infrequently that when I do connect I connect deeply and quickly. I'm sure a lot of you on dating apps can relate to swiping left on people who are "too put together". I look for benign weirdos. I keep finding malignant ones.

Within a week it fell apart. Our first date had me freaking out because people tend to fall for me over text and then meet me and it's not the same, the guy before him was so anxious before our date I had to talk him down from a panic attack because he thought I was so perfect and couldn't possibly ever like him. We met, I tried to be super sensitive to the fact that he had Asperger's, I sent him home halfway through a movie because I sensed he was overwhelmed and couldn't communicate it. We agreed the date went well, we both expressed a desire for a second date.

After that his texts could have been from a chat bot. After about a week of that, and my telling him I understood his hurdles and I was there for him in whatever way he needed, I finally asked him what the fuck happened. He told me there was either "no romantic capacity between us or I'm just not capable."

Okay. I was a bit resentful because I've never looked as cute as I did on that date, but I didn't say that. I just said I understood. And I did, but I couldn't deny the ego blow. Being seen as a "perfect 10/10 smoke show" (his words) before meeting and then being told he's not attracted in person was enough to make me really anxious about first dates.

So I was hesitant about this new guy, and he was so sensitive to that. Asked me what would make me most comfortable, him arriving first or after me, whatever I needed, assured me that I would be comfortable with him within five minutes. It took more than five minutes, but I got comfortable really quickly. It was like I had this open wound and he applied this magical balm and it closed a little bit.

I told him everything. About my anxiety, my dating history with abusive men, the attempted rape by my bio father, my alcoholism. I confessed that the black eye I had wasn't actually from being clumsy with free weights, but rather from feeling so guilty about falling off the wagon that I asked my current sex friend to engage in consensual non-consent and hit me, Blue Velvet style. I didn't tell that guy why I wanted him to hit me but he was happy to do it, as well as spit in my face and call me a whore. It was all consensual. I want to stress that.

The new guy told me I needed to end that and seek a healthier relationship. He was right, of course. I texted my sex friend (who was a person I really wanted to be my boyfriend) that I needed to seek healthier relationships and the new guy told me he's here for me. I cried into his chest and he said "I've got you".

I've been waiting so long to hear that. "I've got you." In the latter days he sent me texts telling me if I really am exactly as I say I am that he's going to fall in love with me and spend the rest of his life making me feel happy and supported. When I read that text I felt such a sense of relief that I almost collapsed and cried. The only thing that stopped me was my boss appearing from behind the baler and asking me if I was okay. I collected my dumb self and went to the park and sent screenshots to my two best friends. They asked if he was real, because they knew that was all I was looking for. I told them I really fucking hope so.

Then he flipped. His understanding tone turned to an impatient one. He didn't say hello to me when he saw me, which was so bizarre I didn't know how to respond to it. Do I just get in the car and not say anything? I'm kind of a Golden Retriever in a relationship. I'm so happy to see my person. He's got chronic pain and he would frequently holler or make loud noises when I touched him wrong. This was a problem because I've got the general disposition of a white-tail deer and I startle easily.

I've watched everything that attracted me to this relationship fall away day by day, like extraneous pieces of a space shuttle. His teasing became seemingly mean, and I reacted, and he told me he no longer felt comfortable joking around with me because he thought I was also a "brutal teaser". I guess I'm not comfortable with "kitchen environment" level teasing from someone I'm dating (I told him I'd worked in a kitchen and couldn't handle it). So he just stopped all humor whatsoever. No joking. No texts about video games he's excited to play with me. Nothing sweet about how he feels. Just dry texts about when I'm getting out of work, what I want for dinner. Functional things.

When he was here, I avoided talking to him. Whenever I said something he'd precede it with an "UHHH" and open his eyes really wide like I should have known. For instance we were watching Top Gear and in the first episode intro there was this weird skeletal vehicle and I asked "wow what is that?" and he said "UHHH, it looks like a vehicle?" Like no shit you dummy I'm trying to interact with this show you're making me watch.

He doesn't say hello, he doesn't say good morning, he doesn't say goodbye, he just rolls his eyes or physically turns away when I try to be affectionate. I understand it's been a long time since he's had those things and he's still getting used to it, and I'm trying to be understanding, but it's one thing to not know how to handle it and another to respond with outright dismissal or hostility.

He curls up in the fetal position a lot and just won't talk to me. I have an inkling about what's bothering him but I don't want to assume anything because I think it would make him feel like it's a big deal to ME, which it isn't, but he gets upset because I should know what's bothering him because he told me about it before. I'm just in this eggshell hell with him and I WANT to support him but again, I'm a real golden retriever so I have to meter my excitement and I can't even say hello and hug him.

So I broke it off, he came and collected his shit today. I'm sick of being told I'm just being reactive because I expect normal shit like a hello.

So I messaged the last guy tonight. The one this guy told me to break it off with because I needed a "healthy relationship". The one I told me to hit me harder because I fucking deserved it for falling off the wagon. Apologized for everything, took it all on as my fault, basically grovelled. I told him I missed him, that I wanted more from him and that's why I freaked out. Didn't want to tell him I'd met someone who kissed my black eye and told me he'd never touch me like that. Didn't want to tell him the idea of a healthy relationship fell through and now I'm just missing any kind of attention.

He told me I'm insane. That I've ruined everything. That he can never trust me again. That he'll text me tomorrow.

And I'm waiting on that text like it's a sentence handed down from a judge. I'm almost 40 and I thought I'd left BPD behind.