CW: abuse mentions, codependency, mentions of narcissism, descriptions of toxic behaviors, self hate 

My ex best friend thinks I’m a jealous person for the way things ended between us.

My abandonment issues were really high, I needed this person a lot. It’s not that I didn’t think that they had a life, but this person publicly abandoned me on their social media (after not replying to my messages) and blocked me when I apologized at first. When they came back into my life, I was so nervous to tell them that this still lingered in my mind for fear of hurting them that it made my abandonment issues worse.

I became toxic, and would blow up their phone. Not angrily, but genuinely frightened that I did something wrong. I gave a lot of emotional power to this person, and they held a lot of who I was in their hands - whether they realized it or not. I think this person wanted freedom that I was not willing to give to them due to my own mental health issues. 

After our friendship traumatically ended, this person falsely claimed me to be jealous of them. As toxic as I was, I can honestly say I was not jealous of them. I definitely do think I was controlling at times, believing I wanted the best for them by trying to save them from harmful people and wanting them to save me. I just wanted them to be in my life and for things to be okay. With as much power as they held in my eyes, they were everything to me.

It was seriously codependent and needed to end in some fashion or be reduced gently, and I think boundaries should have been better defined.

In addition, this person has also written me off as a narcissist. In reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth, at least in my eyes, but I struggle with wondering whether or not this is true as well and I’m just in denial about how horrible I truly am.

But every single day, I beat myself up because this person traumatically took a lot of who I was with them and now I find it hard to be interested in anything. I’m in therapy, I do get myself involved in DBT, but those parts of myself now lay with this other person and I’m having difficulty accepting that. I’m a terrible person that caused this person a lot of hurt, intentional or not, and I deserved what happened. 

I never intended to hurt this person, or intrude on their life, and I never hated them - well, until the friendship ended the way it did. But, the past is the past. 

I’m only 22, and I hopefully have a long and fulfilling life ahead of me. But there are times where I truly doubt my ability to form new interests, healthy relationships with others, and more due to my own tendencies. What if I expose the deepest parts of myself to another person, and it ends the way it did again? 

I don’t know. I feel horrible about myself and why things ended the way they did. I just want to cry. I’ll never have anything as meaningful and as happy and be as strong and kind and beautiful as they were.