TW: mention of unalivement 

Life‘s been a sadistic bitch recently. my father‘s been diagnosed at 46 with BPD, which explains all the recent unalivement threats. I struggle with my relationship with him as I do with most of my relatives, call it whatever you want a trauma bond for example, but I wake up every day panicked that it’s the last one I get to share with him. I actually have that fear with pretty much everyone around me, since in the last year, two of my friends, myself, and a lot of people I know have gotten in car accidents one of them fatal. I feel responsible for all the bad that is going on in my life, and I feel like I am at a loss.

Everyone is really good at telling me that things are gonna get better, but every obstacle I eventually surpass is met with a new one that feels even greater than the last. For example, I’ve been dating (I guess you could call it that) this new guy. Me and relationships have always been a little wonky I guess you could say. when it comes to understanding my feelings and knowing if it’s BPD or if they’re true and well if you have BPD you probably know the rest of the story. The situationship I’m in with this guy is a little awkward because I wasn’t sure where we stood. And after a long day of silence on his part I just found out that he got in a pretty severe car accident. He’s alive and conscious which is more than I could ever ask for, but under the stress and all the PTSD I’ve accumulated from repeated car accidents I don’t know what to do. I was planning on having a conversation with him about where we stood today but I guess life had different plans. And now I don’t know if it would be appropriate for me to visit him because I don’t know where we stand. I don’t know how to express how much is going on in my head in a post I’m trying to keep as short as possible so it is readable. But there is so much going on that I haven’t addressed here for the sake of everyone involved in this group and the thoughts have come back. I want to keep fighting but I’m struggling to see what for, knowing that life is just gonna keep on being this way forever.

I’m just venting here, I’m sorry to whoever reads this. Thanks for existing you guys this group is what’s keeping me up and going every day. Y’all are amazing ❤️