To my EX, who has BPD.

This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, the first break up nearly killing me.

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Everyone tells me to “NC/No Contact” you.  To get you out of my life.  That your no good for my mental health, and I am no good for yours.

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Yet, your always on my mind.

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I have healed a lot, but there is always a part of me that holds onto you.

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I really tried with you and felt like there was nothing I could have done.

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And yet, sending any type of contact to you opens me up for more pain.  I’ve heard “hurt people hurt people.”

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How can I blame you for something your not really aware of?  Or without the power to control? I actually did see you try to stop it but it was too much for you to handle. I believe you did try your best with what your dealing with.  I’m not an idiot, I can be codependent, but to be honest knowing what you were dealing with mentally, I don’t think I could ever beat those patterns.

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You were scared of everything.  When you would sleep beside me you would have multiple nightmares almost every night. I could hear the pain and fear in your voice. You have been traumatized heavily by things outside of your control throughout your life.

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Its so hard to leave someone you love and who has a huge fear of abandonment, then doing the thing they fear the most, and hurt them like everyone else in their life.

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It was part of your identity. It was familiar to you.  The music you listened to, the thoughts you would have about me leaving you one day.

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Yet to save myself and you, I had to leave you.  We were getting too close to having something seriously bad happen. The fights were getting to be too much.

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I said things I didn’t mean, but its because you got me so mad. Not letting me sleep, not stopping the circular arguments, or just letting us be in a good mood together. Sometimes I would say nothing but you would still go on for hours until I would break and lose it.

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Thinking back on you and me… has a sense of familiarity to it.  Like my childhood, or what was normal to me growing up.

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It felt right, even with the craziness. And I miss that feeling. I guess because my childhood was crazy too and chaotic.

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Even your family, they had their own issues, but I felt comfortable with them. I understood them.

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I thought I understood you.

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You had such an pure spirit in you when you were happy, or maybe it was love bombing or in between the midst of abandonment or engulfment.

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Those moments were short lived, but moments I really do cherish.  Pictures or videos I watch of you breaks my heart. I really made you my world and you made me yours. It was me and you all the time.

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The silly things you would do and the intensity you brought to everything. I’ve never seen anyone look so happy when I was holding you. It was like a kid on Christmas morning.

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You have changed me as a person forever. Something I can’t say really say about anyone else in my life.

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Its been months of no contact with each other.

I get partly excited thinking of or imagining contacting you.

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That your worth the break in NC.

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That I’m maybe strong enough to message you now.

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That what you struggle with is worse than what I will struggle with and I can handle the pain.

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I wonder what you are doing now.

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If you even think of me, or if you are like everyone else I have read about with BPD after a relationship.

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Was I any different than anyone else?

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Do you ever miss me?  Or still “hate me” for leaving you and you will never forgive me as you said.

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Other days I have the audacity to think I have the tools to fix you.  Sometimes, I actually think I DO have the tools to fix you.  The therapies I have learned about, on how to remove traumas from people.

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Maybe there is someone out there, more calmer, someone who can take on more of your problems, and love you more unconditionally.

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But I also know, without real long lasting treatment, this disorder will drain even the best of people.

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I guess I never really have an answer to all of this.

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And that is what keeps me stuck.

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I will always be wondering about you.

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You probably think I’ve moved on, but somehow I still feel the same way when I was with you. I still love you.

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Hope wherever you are now, you are working on yourself and getting better.

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You’ll always be an important part of my life, even if I can’t be with you.

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I still sit and play music you used to listen to and tear up. It’s the only thing that makes me feel close having you now.

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I’m sorry I couldn’t make it for you. It will be something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

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Love you,