this past weekend, my fiancé (together 3 years) kicked me out of our apartment. 

he thrashed and threw around my belongings to get them out the door. he told me to go fend for myself in a new england winter at night with too much to carry on my own back. i didn’t have a car with me at the time. not to mention, our place is two hours away from my family and anyone else i could reach out to. as i was struggling to lift all of my bags off the ground, he came out and told me he was going to drop me off at the library instead. on the drive, he forcefully removed my glasses off my face because he paid for them, leaving out the part where he only bought them because he broke my other pair just a couple weeks ago. he kept laughing and cackling about how he doesn’t need me to pay for rent and that my existence is basically worthless. he dropped me off there, and it was closed. i sat on the library steps essentially left for dead, blind, with too much to carry. 

i didn’t speak to him for a couple days, and during these couple days, he told me i was self-centered and always playing the victim. he apologized afterward, blaming it on not taking his (bipolar/adhd) meds consistently, and naturally, i “forgave him”. aka, i just gave up and tolerated the abuse, as i have time and time again. it’s like, because i don’t talk to ANYONE about my relationship issues, i have the free will to just keep retreating back. to have no guilt over my head from friends or sisters telling me they don’t like this man. 

my own self-worth has essentially diminished. all that matters is still having the person i loved in my life. it breaks my heart that i do this to myself; that i can go through such a traumatic experience and pretend that all is well. but i know i’m not going to stop. i know i’ll just keep tolerating his behavior because he’s the only one that tolerates my bpd outbursts. he’s always stayed. i’m trauma bonded to this man. i don’t want to escape him but i want to escape his behavior and i’ve never felt so trapped in my life.