Another day, another win for BPD. I try, I really try, but sometimes my emotions just take over. 

I have this person in my life that I hate and love at the same time. No matter what she does to me I continue to seek her out, want her attention and need her support. Without it I feel like nothing. And I don’t know how to make this feeling go away. It’s actually a feeling or emotion that I can’t describe or put into words. 

I don’t know how to make sense of this or even sense of myself anymore. I have been in therapy for the last 2 years trying to learn from my behaviours. Beginning to think it’s a waste of money. No DBT where I live....unless you want to pay 3000.00 out of pocket. I’ve bought all the books but can’t seem to focus on them long enough to make a difference. 

All I can think about is tomorrow. Being alone with myself again and taking out all this pain on my body. 

I really want to get better, I just don’t know how. And it’s becoming too exhausting to spend all my time thinking about it. 

Just a vent I suppose. A little all over the place, I know. But that is where my head it at. 

Thanks for the ear....fellow warriors.