I'm disgusting for being back here. Last time I thought I was doing fine, then I got in to a bad state and got bashed here and in another r/. Deleted my account. Now I'm back, a pathetic piece of failure shit, just hoping for sympathy, which I definitely DO NOT deserve. I don't need "get out!", "your child doesn't deserve that", "it'll get better" or "you have to leave" stuff. I know all that. I know I'm a piece of shit, a disgusting mother, a perverse freak.

Last week, on Tuesday, I found out my OSO (in poly relationship) had cheated on me once in February, once in March. Kissing and sleeping next to another girl. Not telling me. Even after we had our "crisis, break up, getting back together, everything is good now" -moment. And on last Tuesday we also started moving in together, moving into a home of four. I hit him. Several times. I kicked him. I still have huge bruises all over my ankle, still hurts a lot. I couldn't walk properly for days. I'm disgusting. 

We moved stuff for five days. Five days full of panic attacks, horror, rage, crying, wanting to hurt myself, which I did. Now I can't. I desperately want to cut myself, but I have a job interview on next Tuesday, after two years of unemployment.

I just forgave him after maybe four days. Kind of. Had sex, had fun, just was like nothing ever happened. And then it all pops back every once in a while. I spent one morning of the move just chanting "I'm so bad I deserve to be cheated on" on my head. That's the truth. I'm so disgusting that I don't deserve being treated properly.

And my 3-year-old... He's acting up. He doesn't trust me, I've been a horrible mother all along, his father is the important one. He doesn't eat properly. Everything is pure NO. I shout and scream at him. Today I shouted "he's a piece of pure shit, I don't want him anymore, I want him gone, I HATE HIM!". And I meant it. I'm disgusting. I already see how badly I've damaged him, how I've ruined his life. My SO, his father, shouted at me, to leave them alone, to go away. I went. Threw stuff. Screamed more. 

I can't leave. I have nowhere to go, no money, no way out. I'm living in this new apartment I don't want to live in. I have no place of my own, nowhere to retreat. I don't have my own bed, nor even a drawer to put my papers in. I burst into huge fits of crying over nothing. Two days ago I had to go through stuff to take to a flea-market and I just cried and cried and screamed for a half an hour, while sorting stuff. I'm so tired of going through all this crap. Trying to make a home I don't want to live in anymore. I had waited this so much, thought it would make me happy, finally, and all it did was ruin everything.

I'm completely burned out. I'm in total crisis mode. I hate myself, I disgust myself. I sleep on the sofa, as I have no other place. I can't take this anymore. 

And yes, I'm seeing people, and no, I can't take meds because there's a risk I'll gain more weight, and as I'm already a disgusting, piece of shit BMI 38 whale, I can't gain anything anymore. And I don't have money for the good drugs.