Hi I am doing really bad right now. I dont feel here, I dont know who I am and I dont recognize my own face. I feel like theres maybe 10% of my conscience in tact right now, not sure what's up with the other 90%. I feel like I can really only get my own words and thoughts out if I'm putting into writing, the rest of the time is something else entirely that I dont recognize. I'm fairly high functioning quiet bpd, the only time it really gets directed outwards is when I'm drinking or using. I work 40+ hours a week, I take care of my elderly father, I do all of the cleaning and maintenance in my house, I care for a plethora of animals. And no matter what, no matter how distressed or fucked my head is I still HAVE to maintain these responsibilities. I think I am seeing now a connection in the downfall of my mental health and the responsibility of staying high functioning. The more I push myself to go go go go, the more I disconnect and eat away at the little bit of my conscience still left within me. The past 5 days have gotten especially worse. Every time I'm alone the mental breakdown starts, if that's what you want to call it. More like dissociative psychotic episode where I'm in the bathroom wailing and holding razor blades up to my skin BEGGING myself to just do it do do it do it you know how good it feels you know how it brings you back and let's you get a little hook back into whatever reality is. It took me years to stop self harming, years. My arm is covered 75% by scar tissue already and I have people in my life watching me like hawks in case it happens again. I have a boyfriend who doesnt understand why I crave to do such things, and really how should he understand because it is fucked up so I dont blame him for that. But the pressure that puts on me, once again the pressure to keep functioning and not give in to the demon living in my brain. Its building and building and I feel like I'm going to explode. I know my coworkers are already seeing something wrong because I am not me and it's not hard to miss. I dont even know if this is making sense so I'm really sorry to anyone that has actually read this far. I need help, I'm losing control over my thoughts and actions. I am fading out and it's taking over me again. I've been off medications for for around 3 years now. I've had extensive therapy, emdr, php, iop, many hospitalizations. I thought I was in an okay place, I was living, I was functioning but this whole time I've just been pushing it back and letting it build up to be this monster. Someone please help me