In September my best friend/gf broke up with me. She said she had some things she needed to deal with and that she felt like she was using me as a buffer for her own issues. We had our first real fight that week. As well. It wasn't crazy or big. But it did hurt. There's 3 of us that she trusts. Me and two of our friends. She isn't very close to her family. Both her parents died. Her father committed suicide when she was 13 and her mother died of cancer last year. (2020). She hasn't really dealt with it  she was in an emotionally abusive relationship before me. So i swore to always protect her and i tried my damn best to. She tried to break all forms of contact. She tried to push me away, gently over time but she did try. Her 2 other best friends were there for her. Keeping me out of the loop. We spoke a couple times here and there. But it was just her pushing me away as nicely and gently as possible. Letting me down as best as she could. Eventually i respected it and I haven't talked to her. 

I got filled in last night. By our two friends that things have gotten crazy. 

It started with her having a panic attack at work thinking someone was following her. One of the friends who lives near her (we'll call him "T"). Went to bring her home. She had a couple more. And she would call him for every one. Eventually they admitted feelings for eachother but realised it was wrong because its just because he's there when she's vulnerable. 

Things escalated from there. She started becoming paranoid. Started doing irrational things. Threatened to kill herself. Her family took her in to keep watch on her. She started having multiple personalities and started talking to herself. And never making sense. She would occasionally get back to normal and talk. 

All this was happening while i was on a whole "self improvement" routine to make sure the things that had happened to me. Didnt put me in the same dark place that i was in 2 years ago. (suicidal, heavy depression) i pulled myself out but i knew i was always living by walking a thin line. That i needed to make sure that things that hurt didnt oush me back over that line. 

They admitted her on monday. She's scared alone and broken and all i wanna do is protect her. I havent stopped crying since last night. I just want her to ne okay. I promised her id protect her and keep her safe. I wanted to give her something happy to hold onto and i failed her and it feels like i cant breathe. I just need her to be okay. I dont care if whe doesn't love me. Or if she loves someone else. I chose to give her a part of me that i never wanted back. I havent slept yet. Or gone into work. Im 23 and so is she. She was struggling to find a job in a career field. (Astrophysics/applied math) and so was i (comp sci). She had so much pain and stress. She went through so much and I couldn't hold her and tell her how strong she is. How beautiful and how perfect she is. I couldn't protect her. And i know everyone is going to say its not my fault. 

My friends also informed me that what she told me wasnt the only reason she broke up with me. There were one or two things about me that reminded her of her ex's behaviour. She was so happy when we were together. I vant help think that if i was just better. If i was a better person or better to her we'd still be together and i could of protected her. I was the only one that got it. And could get through to her. I live an hour away now. When they let her see people i will be there. Maybe something i say or do or me just being there will help. Maybe i can talk her through this. I just want her to be safe. I know we're never going to be together again. But i cant just stop caring about someone that i loved that deeply. 

Im losing my grip. I dont know how to function right now. I just need to hear some advice or anything.