I am a completely garbage human being and I can't be asked to carry on anymore. I secretly make accounts and ask for help but not actually want any, I can't be fucking asked anymore. I want to destroy myself in the worst possible way, I'm nothing but a walking corpse void of emotion or interests, complete apathy. Anything I do always has 10 negative answers which make sense, but I am a pussy of course, I have not spoken to girls properly and I have not spoken to guys like guys. I am unable of talking to people and unable of being with myself. I don't care anymore, I don't want to fucking act and the current thought I have when writing this is "oh you're dramatic, it's just a temporary feeling" yet I keep repeating the same thing over and over. I'm not sure if I want meds, it will fuck my brain up even more and it's not as if it's going to do anything. I am nothing but a walking meat of criticism, you might as well call me a youtube comment section. Nothing gets easier, I constantly have to fight everyday to get up and go to work and get money. That's it. That's where my future is heading. I don't know what my future is, but it'll probably be a negative one. My anger is out of control and I am walking bomb. I've wanted to destroy myself for a long time, I don't see myself as human, just another piece of garbage wanted to be collected. The critical thoughts doesn't stop, "but CBT will help you", again I've hardwired myself to be against any form of help. I don't return gratitude and I am rude unnecessarily. I spent my fucking time trying hard at school instead of developing actual useful skills acting as if I knew everything. I'm a dumb ass, and now I am doing a degree I can't even foresee myself doing a career in, because of the constant need to criticise myself. I put on a mask that will be appropriate for society because I am a reckless mess. I live in my own head, I live in my own universe, I spend every single hour alone and nobody wants to do that, and it would be abusive to them.