I haven't been in a relationship in years, which I've been so proud of because that's when my BPD is at it's worst. And somewhere along the way I think I tried to convince myself that I didn't want or need a relationship. But for years, on a very regular basis, at least twice a week I'd say, I dream about being in a relationship. Usually it's me falling for some random dream guy, he falls for me...it's perfect...and then when he leaves, I panic and start frantically searching for him but can never find him again. Last night, I dreamt that I met this amazing guy, and it was so vivid...like I could feel how attached I was even while I was sleeping....I dreamt of him just holding me and it felt amazing, and safe and warm....and then, in my dream, he died. He just disappeared. And I was completely crushed. I woke up and just laid there will all of the emotions still going inside me.

In real life, I wonder if my dreams are trying to tell me something. For the most part, if I'm being honest with myself, I think I'm just avoiding relationships because deep down I'm so terrified of what will happen if it doesn't work, if they leave, or horribly if something happens to them, or what if I just inevitably hurt them because of my BPD? I'm terrified that I'll see myself becoming this monster again, and remember how much it hurts when every single thing or word or feels like rejection. But maybe my dreams are trying to tell me that I actually do want to find someone? 

What do you guys think? Can anyone else relate?