I guess I never really did, but I at least had some sort of idea. I think I’m highly narcissistic, I care so much about my looks and I’ve let it go to my head. I deep down expect everyone to like me even though I haven’t done anything that warrants admiration or anything. And I’ve realised that I’m ugly and not attractive like I thought I was, and I’m confused because I did get attention but if I was always ugly then I was deluded the whole time.

And that’s the thing, I’m becoming more aware? But I thought I was self aware the whole time, overly so. I value my looks, but it makes me wonder, if I was so deluded about how I looked, I’ve been wrong about who I am as well. I don’t even know who I am. I’m shallow, and I don’t know if I’ve always been. I’m just confused. 

I also don’t know what I’m feeling most of the time. I don’t know what emotion I feel in the moment or if I even feel them. Sadness just feels like pain in my head and any sort of emotion now feels like a sinking feeling in my stomach.
My emotions in the inside don’t match what I look like on the outside, my facial expression just doesn’t change.

I’m weird now, in public I get nervous and I don’t know where to look and so I just try and disappear and forget everyone around me, but it’s a self preservation tactic and it’s at the cost of anyone around me who had to be in the presence of some weird guy who’s trying to hide and stare off into space. I don’t know how I’m going to function anymore, I just want to run away and be alone but I’m running away from myself and I can’t get away. I don’t know what to do, I need guidance but I don’t deserve the help.
If not for me, then for everyone else who I’m around.