Hello everyone. Sorry for the long post in advance
(tw: mention of death)
I’ll explain my situation here, hoping to get help of some sort: where I’m from covid cases are up again. Some of my relatives have lung problems and are old, so in these years I had to be extra extra careful not to take covid because it could be fatal for them, and I would never forgive myself if I infected them. 

So I did not go out with my friends a lot during this time, if I did I always wore a mask (not feeling judged from them but from other people if they got out with us), we texted everyday and I was always a call away from them, always ready to show my support when something happened, but I explained why I had to do what I had to do. 

I went to university this year and, even though I avoided big parties or really risky situations, I still got it when i returned back home for the holidays. Thankfully I isolated myself in time and my parents didn’t catch it, so I was relieved for that, but this long isolation really took a toll on my mental health, and covid on my general health too since i was sick during those days. 

Now I’m back at university and i’m going back home for a bit (where covid cases are high and hospital beds are almost all occupied), but I had to refuse to go to a friend’s big birthday celebration when i discovered that it was not between a few friends but with a lot of people all without masks etc. I know I have disappointed them, I know I’m a disgusting person/friend for doing that, and I know they don’t understand my situation and feel like it’s just excuses, but I’m just so terrified of my parents or other relatives dying because of me, especially when i’m not in college so I’m in close contact with them since i don’t live alone like in college where i have my dorm room. 

I said that i’m totally okay with going out for a coffee or to eat lunch together, to go out for a walk, just not in big crowded and dangerous places with people so close to each other where i don’t know how i can safeguard my health and other people’s health and until at least cases go a bit down. It was fine for the first times, but know I know that it’s not anymore. I’m just so scared of losing all of my friends or all of them hating me, I already have a few of them, but on the other side i’m terrified of losing my parents and it would be my fault. it’s not that i’m saying I don’t want to see them, I just suggested social situations where we’re just us/other people i know at the table. I’m not forcing them to just do that, just when they’re with me. 

I’m just so scared, wherever i turn there’s a decision that makes me have anxiety for a different reason, and i’m just so scared of contracting covid again and being sick again. 

I’m wasting my youth years too for this stupid anxiety, and I feel how different my friends are towards me. I think there’s too much on my shoulders for my age and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t want to be alone and I don’t even know what could help me. I know it seems exaggerated from an outside pov, but please try putting yourself in my shoes for the past two years and please don’t be too judgy in the comments &lt;3

thank you for reading all of this and sorry for the bad english, but idk what to do anymore