I used to crave for other people's attention and want them to miss me. I used to scroll messages in groupchats to see if anybody called for me or said something about me. I used to reach out to people. I used to join a lot of online groupchats, I used to want a lot of friends. 

but now.. I'm too tired for all of those. It's normal, I know. But the thing is I just DON'T WANT TO EXIST ANYMORE. I don't want to die and I can't. I'll traumatize my family and get their lives ruined. This is fucking shitty of me and I wish I'd never done it and made another choice but I ghosted everybody. My friends from school, my online friends and my own bestfriend. It took me 3 weeks to realized how much I must've hurt some of them and 4-5 months for me to snap out of that ugly state of mind. I feel guilty even to this day. My bestfriend blocked me everywhere, she chose the right thing to do but she wouldn't have to make that choice in tears if I didn't start any of this. I finally texted her back after 1 month of not talking but it was too late. Idek her email and she probably doesn't want to see me anymore. I still text her (just did a few mins ago) and pretended she texted back and I feel miserable. I don't want any more new friends and even if do meet some people in the future I don't think I'd let them in that easily. I feel fake around them. I'm always so happy and cheerful, it's almost like I'm just a happy human robot with no other feelings. I miss my bestfriend. She's the last person I've ever felt safe with but both of us have changed. While she started opening up to me more I notice myself lying about my situation and bottling things up and it created a huge misunderstanding. I've hurt her more than I've hurt myself and now I'm punishing myself and at the same time is trying to change but I don't see any progress. I'm still the same. I sabotaged our friendship for nothing. I feel like a stupid jerk. It would be easier and less burdening for everyone if I never existed in the very first place. That's what I meant by wanting to "unexist" but not "die". 

I'm sorry for whining so much I just wanted to let some things out. And please don't ghost, it hurts the other person so much. Don't do the same mistake that I did. Talk things out or atleast tell them you're leaving. 


TLDR: I ghosted everybody and hope for them to forget about me completely so it'll seem like I've never existed.