i dont find any value in myself, i love to be alone but then fear that other people are doing stuff without me and im gonna miss out and that makes me panic, i think im stupid, fat, ugly, disgusting, lazy, i have constant suicidal thoughts durning the nights, i feel inferior to most people, mostly my friends,i forget so many things its actually ridiculous, im uninteresting, i think people would rather die than try to have a conversation with me because i cant think of more than like 5 sentences to say, my mind is a constant mess, i sleep too much, i cry for no reason, or for many reasons, i dont have any plans for my future, i want to hide from the spotlight yet i crave attention, i hate myself for this, i hate myself in general, i overthink most shit. Im almost certain i have severe anxiety(no clue self diagnosed but i think it shows).


Then again i have a friend group that always tries to cheer me up and says they care, loving parents, i got into a great school i study alright. Its just i think im too much of a bother to my loved ones, i curl up into a corner cry and panic and somebody has to be my fucking nanny every 5 seconds, i would honestly not wanna hang out with me if i was them, i have no clue what reedeming qualities they find in me, yet i dont want to ask what that might be since id hate if somebody told me to list off the things i like about them you know? Im so afraid they will abandom me, abandonment is my biggest fear and i think about it constantly. 


I have never been diagnosed or gone to therapy, planning to but yeah i dont know what i would even say. writing or speaking comprehensive sentences takes so long for me. i cant speak feelings, i dont know if its worth it to go if im gonna struggle like here. this post took me an hour to write and... i probably forgot about many things...