I had a crush on this guy in my class and I don't know, maybe this is a BPD thing, but I HAVE TO have a crush on one person every semester. Usually it goes nowhere because I pretend they don't exist and never talk to them. However this new guy, is giving me intense emotions and what doesn't help is that we've hung out a lot outside of class. It completely threw me off guard, his interest in befriending me. It is sending me through a downwards spiral. When he talks to me, half the time I'm disassociated and have no idea what he's saying. I can barely speak, so it's mostly him talking. What's worse is that I've smoked with him and his close friend in his car like on 2 separate occasions and I can only imagine the kinds of words used to describe me after I left. I wanna die at the fact that I contributed nothing of value to those situations. I was trying to tell them about my psych major and I could barely form sentences. I could not speak. at all. I had no idea what I was saying I was so confused. Im like not fully present at all. Like I'll repeat the last few words he said so he'll think i'm listening and understand what he's saying but i'm just in a state of confusion. I was there but I wasn't there. I really just want to die and say that I hate this disease. I do not know why all of a sudden, I am excessively disassociating. I struggle to verbalize my thoughts, or even have thoughts at all. I know my smoking definitely contributed to this but now it's happening even when I don't smoke. I never miss my therapy appointments. My gpa is about to be a 3.0 that I had to work very hard to bring up. Ive been doing so well. And now my mental health is deteriorating all because of a guy I think is cute? what the fuck?