I've been feeling off ever since I was a teen. My therapist at the time dismissed the idea of BPD, telling me that it was just puberty messing with my emotions, and that it would go away. But it never did. I still feel like shit. I still have mood swings. I still get overly dramatic over things that don't make sense rationally. I still act erratically. I still sabotage every relationship or friendship I have because I think I'm not worth anyone's time. It wasn't puberty, ma'am. I'm just messed up.

I started getting help, and got diagnosed with BPD this week. It should be a relief to finally know what's wrong with me and finally be able to get the help I need, but it's doing the opposite. I don't want this. I really don't. And I hate how everything makes sense now. 

I've always attracted people with BPD. Three of my closest friends have BPD. My best friend too. And even my girlfriend. She told me that it's typical for people with BPD to attract each other, and that they usually bond faster, as she's experienced that herself many times with different results. 

She's doing good, considering. She's been on medication for almost 7 years. Our relationship is honestly so great. We never fought once. We communicate well when we disagree on stuff. It's honestly the best relationship I've ever been in. 

When we started dating, she told me that she suspected that one of her exes had BPD as well, and that the relationship imploded because of that. It became toxic fast, and they ended up splitting on very bad terms. She told me that relationships with other people with BPD usually do that. We were friends when she was with her ex-girlfriend, and I remember just how much that relationship destroyed her. 

When I started opening up about my mental health issues, she told me that a lot of what I told her were typical symptoms of BPD, and then asked me if when she told me about her condition, I understood her. To which I said yes. 

That's when I started getting help. Now that I got my diagnosis, I feel sick. I'm terrified. I know that she won't leave me for it. She's incredibly supportive, and genuinely wants what's best for me. But I can't help but feel scared that our whole relationship has just been us obsessing over each other because of the physical intensity and all the enabling when it comes to impulsive behaviours. 

But it explains so much. How I get super upset when she doesn't reply to my texts for a few hours because she's at work. I hide it because I know it's stupid. How we can't keep our hands off each other and clearly made people uncomfortable in public in the past. How I drop absolutely everything the second she asks me if I want to come over. It doesn't matter if it's 2 AM and I have to work at 8 the next morning. It doesn't matter if I have to pay an insane amount for an Uber in the middle of the night even though I can't afford it. How she showers me in gifts and goes out of her ways to make me happy with small and grand gestures. She bought me a new microwave on our second date because I mentionned mine being broken. It's always like that. Impulse, impulse, impulse, with no regards for consequences. 

So while our relationship is healthy when it comes to communication, I think we're just fucking obsessed with each other to the point where it could become problematic. 

Is our relationship doomed? Will it last? Will I inevitably fuck it up just like everything else in my life? I'm at a loss. No matter how much she keeps telling me that it doesn't change anything, my dumb ass brain can't stop making me feel like she's gonna leave me because she could do so much better. I don't want to destroy her the way her ex-girlfriend did. I would never forgive myself. 

I don't want to lose her. I'd never recover from this. She's too good to me. I love her too much. It's been messing with my head ever since and I'm spiralling. 

I fucking hate this and I needed to vent before I explode.