Warning: This is going to be a long story. Sorry, if it's a little scattered!

I'm just looking for some kind words to help brighten my spirit and calm my soul. If anyone has any advice to offer, that's welcome as well!

Background: My boyfriend (33M) and I (27F) have been together for nearly 7 years. In that time, we've definitely had our share of struggles. Our relationship takes hard work and effort (due to a multitude of reasons), but the love that we have for each other at the end of the day has always been enough to keep pushing us forward. 

He struggled with alcohol addiction in the beginning of our relationship (he has been managing it pretty well, but the pandemic has definitely made it tough) and I struggle with anxiety/ocd (my therapist has also mentioned that she thinks I may have OCPD). We also both struggle with bouts of depression from time to time. These mental health complications require us to be proactive and aware, but that doesn't eliminate all of the problems it can cause. 

The current pandemic has provoked our illnesses and we've both been having a hard time lately. My boyfriend is also high risk for the virus and has been living in fear since March 2020. Because of this, we've both been staying home for a little over a year. Spending time with each other 24/7. 

Constantly being at home with little to do has caused my ocd/anxiety to become out of control. I've always liked organization, cleanliness, routine, and lists but it's gotten to a point where it's taking over my life! It has literally taken the place of my job. I probably have 100+ lists that I feel so overwhelmed by because I never have the time or the emotional capacity to finish them. When I start to feel too anxious, it manifests as anger and irritability. Unfortunately, because he is who I'm closest to (and we live together), he often bears the brunt of it. This is causing a major strain in our relationship. He doesn't understand that I truly feel the NEED to do these things and that I don't know how to control how angry I get, but I am trying. I really am.

I am currently in therapy, but if I'm being honest, I am not sure if my therapist is the right fit for me. I really like her and I did soooo much research before I chose her (she specializes in ocd/anxiety), but I've been doing sessions every other week for about 6 months now, and I feel like the process is moving so slow. I don't know if this is typical and I just need to be patient, or if I need to try and find someone else who I connect with a little better. This is also a cause of tension in our relationship. 

My bf thinks that therapy isn't working for me/I'm not trying hard enough to change. I have gotten to the point where I don't feel comfortable talking with him about my sessions because it's really hurtful when I try to involve him in my growth and then later, he tells me I'm not even trying to change. He says part of why he accuses me of that is because he feels out of the loop and doesn't know when I'm trying my best because sometimes it's hard to notice. I get that, but I don't know how to be raw and vulnerable with him when he later uses the things I told him against me. I also think he has an unrealistic expectation for how easy/quickly I will be able to change these lifelong pathological habits. He often tells me "all you have to do is just be nice" and believe me, I would love for it to be that simple, but it just isn't.

Many attributes of my illness cause me to have low self confidence and be very insecure. I really struggle with knowing what is "me" and what is my illness. I frequently get down on myself for having unwanted and intrusive thoughts that I feel contradict who I am at heart. I daydream of what it'd be like to not be this way anymore because I know it effects and hurts the people around me. Not only do I have an internal battle with these thoughts, but I also have my boyfriend telling me that I'm mean/not a good person. I understand that my actions make him feel that way though. It hurts so much that he doesn't know that this isn't really me. It's like I'm being held hostage by my ocd/anxiety while I watch my boyfriend become closed off and distant from me.

Which leads to the current problem at hand. For the past 9 months or so I've been experiencing low libido due to lingering effects of the medication I had been previously prescribed for my ocd/anxiety. I stopped taking it last summer for this reason. Before, my boyfriend and I had a very healthy sex life. Now, I'm never horny and I find myself forcing the mood so that his needs are met too (I felt this way internally, he never made me feel pressured). Im absolutely heart broken because I loved our sex life and it's so disheartening to feel like we may never get that back. 

In the beginning of our relationship, I discussed with my boyfriend how it made me feel unwanted/insecure when he watched porn and he told me he had no problem stopping (we do still watch porn together). Everything was all good until I tried to do what I thought was the right thing. A few months back, I told him that I was ok with him watching porn if he needed to as long I as I wasn't down to have sex. Meaning, don't choose porn as your priority. He told me he knows how it makes me feel so he was not going to do it at all. 

Fast forward to about a week ago, I used his phone to add something to our grocery list, and when I went to close out of the app, I could see that he had porn open on Reddit. I immediately felt so hurt and betrayed that he had lied and hidden it from me. I assumed it wasn't the first time he's done it because it seemed as though he'd gotten complacent with making sure it was deleted. I'll spare some of the details for length purposes, but basically come to find out, he'd been doing it every couple days since mid march. Then, I start thinking about how I've been the only one initiating sex for the past few months. Not one of the times did he EVER ask me if I wanted to have sex before turning to porn. I personally feel like this is a form of cheating as we set boundaries that we both agreed to and then he chose someone else over me to fufill his needs. 

He is telling me that he forgot that I told him I wanted him to come to me first. He thinks that this may relate to the addiction part of his brain, even though he doesn't feel addicted to porn like he is alcohol. Anyone else have any insight on this? He says he didn't ever feel like he was choosing someone else over me, but I am having a really hard time seeing it any other way. This has only added to my insecurities. I feel so unloved and unwanted physically. He says he's very attracted to me and would have always rather have had sex with me, but he didn't feel like I was approachable when we weren't on the best of terms. He also mentioned that he thinks depression may have played a role in his motivation to watch porn. When I asked him about hiding it and deleting his history, he said it's because it's embarrassing. I'm honestly one of the most open/least judgmental people when it comes to sex so it really hurts that he felt this way.

He apologized and told me he wouldn't do it anymore (he also expressed that he wants to continue working on our relationship), but I still don't know if this is something I can forgive. I want to so badly, but I get sick to my stomach everytime I think about it. Days had passed and we'd be fine, but then everytime it'd pop into my head, it would consume me. Betrayal is too delicate to even begin to describe how I feel. 

I'm constantly feeling like anytime he goes to do something alone, he's watching porn. I want to be able to trust him again, but I don't know how. Trust has never come easy to me, and lost trust is harder to gain back than it was originally, so I'm worried I may not be able to do it. I wasn't able to let it go and kept asking questions and for reassurance which my boyfriend did not take well. He seems to think that because we talked about it and he apologized and said he won't do it again, I should just drop it and not worry unless it becomes a problem again. Obviously, this is not the route I want to take. It feels like he's not taking responsibility for his actions. He's just brushing it off which makes me fell like I need more reassurance that he truly feels sorry. I mean, ya, it sucks to have to keep talking about it, but that's a consequence that comes with making a mistake that effects other people. 

He got very angry and frustrated that I just couldn't understand why he would have thought this would have been ok. Now, he is trying to say he can't be with me anymore if I can't drop it and move on because it's toxic to his mental health. He did say he's open to couples therapy, but doesn't think individual therapy for himself is necessary. I'm feeling depressed, hurt, alone, and at a loss. I'm so numb and all I want to do is sleep forever. It feels so heavy to think that relationships will always be such a struggle for me.

My main goal is to gain some advice, knowledge, and understanding to be able to navigate this difficult situation while still respecting both of our boundaries and feelings. In the end, I just want what's best for both of us. I truly believe that there is still so much love there, but it's been bogged down by so much hurt.