Today is the birthday of someone who I loved and still love so much. Someone who is no longer with me unfortunately. And remembering her hurts so much. Remembering all the good memories I had with her, the brief period in my life which I felt proper happiness with someone, knowing that all of this is gone. It hurts so much. With that girl I felt a happiness I hadn’t felt for years. I felt like I finally had one good thing in my life. But I lost her in the end like everything else that I hold dear in life. And it’s so painful. It hurts to know that it’s her birthday and I can’t wish her a happy birthday or be with her on that day or do anything that I had planned in the past for her birthday. Because she’s not mine anymore. I wish I could go back. What I would give to go back in time and never have to lose her. I wish I never did. I wish I was better for her…

Right now it feels like I could never in my life love that way again. It feels like I’ll never find that sort of love again. One that I hold that dearly and one that also wouldn’t leave in the end... But it really hurts when I just can’t let it go or stop that feeling. I can’t stop loving someone who left me, I can’t stop loving her and it’s one of the worst and most painful feelings I’ve ever experienced… 

I’ve gone through so much in my life, I’ve had it rough in so many ways, but when I had her I felt like I at least had a glimmer of light, of hope and happiness to hold on to. But now even that little hope is gone and I’m just living in complete darkness. I have nothing that makes me happy and frankly nothing to really wanna live for. Every other dream or goal I have in my own life seems so hopelessly out of reach… And on so many days I just wish I would die so that I don’t have to deal with this life and it’s pain anymore…