Hi, sorry, I just don't really have anywhere else to go right now. This is(obviously) a throwaway account.
I'm 22 years old and pretty sure I have bpd. I've never been formally diagnosed, but, I'm pretty sure I fit the bill. but, I digress, I'm not here looking for a diagnosis.

I don't really know where to begin, so, sorry if this is a bit disjointed. I feel hopeless. I grew up in an abusive home(one that I'm still in). Growing up I was regularly called useless and pathetic, that all I do is pity myself, constantly berated and put down and made to feel like everything is my fault. I've lost a lot of friends because I'm so nervous and paranoid all the time. I've been a NEET since getting out of high school. I'm so fucking sad and lonely all the time. 
I've a partner, it's a LDR, so it's already kind of difficult. But, I feel like they don't pay much attention to me. We text a lot, but, when it comes to playing games/watching movies/just talking out loud together over Skype(they're usually doing it with someone else) or something they're either busy or don't want to. But, the problem is, I don't really know if they're truly not paying attention to me, or if I'm just being needy and in need of validation. I've brought this up, and they said they're sorry that they don't pay enough attention, but, nothing really changes after that. I'm too afraid to ask to do things together like that because I'm afraid the answer will be no.
I don't really know what to do. My life feels worthless, I can't see any reason to be alive. I can't afford to go into any sort of treatment, nor do I see a way to get myself there. I'm just, insanely exhausted by everyone and everything and I feel so lost that I'm asking for help from strangers on the internet. What do I do to help myself?