TL;DR: girl dumped me, blocked my number but I still text her because it makes me feel better. Sometimes it's just about a paper I'm writing or what's bothering me on that day. Not here for your sympathy since I definitely don't deserve it, just want an opinion.

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I have a history of doing terrible things, I was diagnosed with bpd in 2018 and since then I've been using that as my scapegoat for sorts. Anyway, to the rant:

for context: I'm a 22-year-old boy in college, I've been involuntarily hospitalized 3 times and have a history of substance abuse. The girl in this story is a 20-year-old student with OCD. in this story I'll call her E.

I had been seeing a girl for February and most of January, as one does, I fell for her quickly. I'll call her E. She listened to me talk about things and cared about them, even the things she had an idea about. For example; I love cars. I would spend hours talking about things like the difference between and open diff and an LSD or dohc vs sohc and she did her best to show interest. She had OCD but I never really saw it as a hindrance or even a variable. After a few weeks of seeing her, I got extremely drunk and told her that I loved her, which triggered something in her that scared her of our relationship. E &amp; I still saw each other after but it became more about sex and just holding each other. I didn't mind since any connection is connection right? Anyway, fast forward to last week, she told me we should take a break for a week. No contact, nothing. She lived in a part of town where all the bars are at. I snorted a lot of Adderall and went drinking. Eventually, my phone died and I needed an uber home so I called her from a stranger's phone. She was mad but I figured I would just leave her alone and figure out a ride home on my own. As I was about to go into another bar she came out and found me, then took me to her gym. We got into a fight which could be summarized as me begging her to understand that I'm a terrible person and her telling me that I'm not and that she just needs space. It ended with me leaving and breaking my hand by punching a wall. after going to another bar I realized my phone was still not charged. In my drunken wisdom, I walked to her building, waited until someone who lives there opened the door, and walked into her apartment since I knew the door was unlocked, E is part of a sorority and has 4 roommates. None of them saw me walk in, and i went straight for her room since I knew there was a charger there. When I went into her room, she wasn't there and I heard her roommates outside. I was terrified realizing what I had done. I'm guessing E was in the shower. After 10 minutes of charging my phone, I started to panic and began cutting at my wrists with a swiss army knife. I don't know why, maybe it was a way of grounding myself. She eventually came to her room, saw me, screamed, and was clearly terrified of my presence there. E saw my cuts and tried fixing them with her first aid kit but it was futile at best. After about an hour of talking, she offered to let me stay the night, but I didn't want to fall asleep just to wake up in handcuffs for trespassing. E walked me out, making me promise not to hurt myself anymore that night. I promised her and as I was walking away I said "I lied." Maybe I said it because I'm an idiot, maybe I wanted to make her feel like shit. I don't know. I walked away back down to the bars and not even 3 minutes after I left she called me, asking me to come back, to be with her and sit with her. I did, and when I walked into her room she was crying. E was ranting about how she betrayed me and she's so sorry and that she called the cops to get me sent to a hospital. I was going to run, but she promised that if I stayed she would come to visit me. Shortly after two police officers came in, beat the shit out of me, and took me to the hospital. I got committed, called her from there and she told me she wasn't going to visit me. I got out after a few days and when she found out she called me to let me know she never wants to see me again.

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I don't have any friends at college, she was the only person I talked to, and it was the first time I had someone to talk to. Now that she's blocked my number, I've been texting her every day saying the things I would if I could, not about us but about the things that I'd done that day. Am I insane?