I’ll even get ideas on how to hurt myself from my patients I’ve just helped. 

Note, I would NEVER hurt my patients. I truly want them to get past these dark moments in their lives. I’ll do whatever I can to keep them from hurting themselves...then I’ll go home and hurt myself. 

My main method is to start an IV on myself and leave it open to bleed. I’ll measure the blood loss and take note of what point I start feeling dizzy. Maybe strategically overdose on meds or doses less likely to lead to permanent damage. 

It is not my goal to die. But I often fight urge to do worse...steal meds, inject something instead of only drawing blood, so many options...

I’m the most ridiculous hypocrite taking care of my patients then going home and destroying myself.