30 - my BPD seems to have gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, with the added bonus of having a series of embarrassing past incidents behind me. Seems too late to ever have a fresh start...

I have OCD/BPD but I’m generally high functioning, but relationships are my kryptonite. I’m not verbally abusive, but on many occasions I’ve turned into a desperate stalker upon being rejected. Ironically, often it’s been a rejection I’ve subconsciously brought on due to being uncertain about the relationship and being unable to end it myself - I need them to end it with no hope of reconciliation to move on. 

I always assumed I’d get better over time, but it keeps happening. I’ve done a lot of therapy, including DBT, which didn’t help me much. I think it’s the cormorbid OCD that complicated things. Like, “Hey, you’re right, no need to impulsively send that message now, but I’ll be here to remind you of it every hour for the next two weeks.” I end up doing something destructive just to get the thoughts to go away. 

Is anyone else in the same position, or has been in the same position? How do you keep a positive mindset when it’s too late to attribute your BPD actions to growing up? I feel like I could win the Nobel prize and an ex would pipe up about something embarrassing I’ve done and everyone would hate me. 

The other issue is that coping mechanisms can feel ingrained - there’s a perverse safety in knowing that if you react this way, the situation will go like this, rather than tolerating uncertainty. 

I feel like an ex-con who has a string of felonies behind her and now knows her reputation is ruined, so there’s not much incentive to keep on the straight and narrow. Like, my past is filled with blemishes. Whatever I do now can’t change that. I’m so old now that these horrible coping mechanisms seem a part of me, and it’s too late to try to attribute them to youthful misdiscretions and say I’m not like that now.
