I've spent years confronting the people who broke me and getting closure but none of it helps keep me from going off again.  


For context I have a history of abusive partners. Sexually abusive, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive. I've been sexually assaulted, had my sexual assault mocked. My sexuality mocked. My childhood trauma mocked on everything from my father lashing his ptsd on me to my mother being emotionally unstable. I've been with partners who go behind my back soley to hurt me. Etc.  


I've confronted all of them and despite this and about half a dozen failed suicide attempts I still cannot be trusted not to go off again. I am so tired of wanting to die and being unable to. I just want it to end and I don't care how. I don't get it.  


Just a bit of a vent. If you're in the same boat try to find a time intensive hobby. That's how I get by.