Trying to keep this short but with enough info to gather a little about the situation. 

I've been in my relationship for 13 years. We have gone through a lot together. He is manipulative and controlling. He is very covert about it all.

My main concern lately is that I've become more and more snappy and resentful toward him and I don't know if it's because of an episode or that I'm just finally realizing I'm not getting what I deserve. 

I don't know if an episode is making me think that it's worse than it is and that I'm overreacting or what.. I can't stop thinking about everything he's put me through. Every lie, every time he would guilt trip me, every time he cheated (twice in the beginning). Every time he invalidated my feelings.  every time Most recently he deleted his internet history after I caught him looking at hookup profiles. He says there was nothing else but then why delete it? His concern was that he had no privacy. He didn't want me snooping. He apologized and promised to change and I just can't get over him deleting his history. It makes me mad. Why can't I just move on? 

My feelings are all over the place.. when we argue it's because I'm trying to mend the relationship and expressing my feelings. He gets mad then i get mad that he's mad then he gets mad that I'm mad and I'll get so upset that he's not listening that I yell. Sometimes going into a "mini episode" as I call them and completely shitting on myself. Blaming myself for everything, apologizing for being so mean to him.. then I go back to feeling like I shouldn't be apologizing because of what he's done. 

But I am an asshole. I don't know. I don't even know if any of this makes sense. I can't figure out how to explain my questioning. I've been trying for months and it isn't working. I just get mad and stop talking about it or not post what I type out if it's on here. But I will this time. 

I'm so confused..