I just got diagnosed with BPD recently. It has definitely been a rollercoaster of emotions to accept. Mostly attributed to the fact my mother, my sister, and my ex-gf have it too, and I’ve spent majority of my time finding ways to navigate those relationships with self help books. 

Im still trying to process this all, and was hoping perhaps for some clarity. 

I think my ex-gf was my favorite person. Our relationship was affecting me way too much, and I broke it off. I didn’t stop having feelings for her, but I couldn’t function because she kept distancing from me, or perhaps I perceived it as such. After the break up she was hospitalized, I was inconsolable, I kept visiting her and talking to her and trying to help her. Just after her release, she told me her hospitalization was due to the fact I broke up with her. 

I tried going to therapy then to get help but I felt like no one understood the severity of my emotions and how much I was internally spiraling, because I’m outwardly “functional.” I kept starting and stoping therapy, never really processing this. We didn’t get back together, I really wanted to, but my emotions about everything were confusing and sending me into panic attacks almost daily. 

I think my presentation of bpd symptoms and hers are very different. I relate a ton to “inner Bpd” in some articles, as I’m super hyper independent, fearful of all people, and have stress induced disassociation. I think she’s very hyper dependent on others and known to participate in risky behaviors. This kind of gave me clarity why I still don’t understand her actions, even though we suffer from the same uncontrollable emotions. 

I still can’t move on from believing I caused her hospitalization. I have no idea how people are even able to move on? I just keep thinking how I should have done so many other things before breaking up. I can’t step into healing because I don’t believe I’m a good person and deserve to feel better; good people would have done a better job, they wouldn’t have caused their significant other to feel so hopeless they would be hospitalized for it. 

I’m not sure how much of my thinking is attributed to having BPD. I’m not sure if I’m even rational. Perhaps maybe someone can bring me some clarity from their own perspective about this.