So, this is my story. I'm sorry if it's confusing please bear with me,

We went back to our home country six years ago. It was a very different environment and different language and until now I haven't adjusted. Because of language barriers and because I'm a shy person. 

At first I thought it would be fun because we once went here for vacation and I enjoyed it last time but I was completely wrong. My parents went back to Saudi Arabia bc they are OFW's and me and my siblings live with our Aunt. Everyday I would wake up to a very very loud environment, it would alway put me into a bad mood so I am always angry and mad about everything.

Most of the time I would randomly imagine meeting my old friends in the malls, my old friends moving to my new school here or scenarios like that. I just missed my friends so much because I didn't get to bid goodbyes to them properly. I missed everything back then. I was also jealous that they were having a great life with great friends, getting to do fun stuff like all teenagers get to experience. That's why I deleted Facebook where I often see their posts about their lives. I always cried myself to sleep, until now I do. But I had this mentality that it would all soon be alright. I did try opening up in school and to make new friends but they kind of had this ugly mentality and I didn't like that so I put a distance with them.

It was such a hell everyday, I was so lost and I didn't know what to do. I felt numb since I moved here actually. I forgot what genuine happiness felt like or how to express emotions actually. I forgot how to socialize and I would often be awkward. I just didn't know what to do anymore.

But then pandemic happened. and everything got even worse. I was stuck in the house and I hated the people here, they would often scream and shout to the point i just wanted to get rid of my ears. I was so fed up with everything. And I get suicidal thoughts every time, I was so mad and angry with the world. What did I do to deserve all of this? but then I decided to start praying, to get help because I was so tired of life. 

After one major fight in our household which involved also me, my sister slapped and beat me up and said so many harsh things like why was I born. My mentality was a wreck I didn't eat or drink for 2 weeks and I thought of overdosing myself but I mustered up the courage and decided tell my mom about the fight and what I have been feeling for the past years except not directly telling it was depression because I wasn't sure myself about what all of this was, I didn't care anymore what they would say, It was my last hope and chance, whether they decide to do something about it or leave me be. Thankfully my parents said I should live with my sister in her dorm for a while. And for once I had peace there, because I was away from that loud house. I got to eat great food and got to be happy there.

But I had to go back to the house. And now everything was on repeat. My mentality again was a wreck and i think it's worse now. What's even worse is that I feel  betrayed by God. Like no one is listening to me and willing to help me anymore. Like the only thing I was holding on to is now gone. And because of that I am completely hopeless. I stopped believing everything will be alright because for fucks sake it's been 4 years and nothing changed. Everything just began to get worse. Like the only next thing this will end up to is death. 

I always told God about my problems and prayed for other people like my parents but why am i still like this? I thought maybe this was a challenge but I'm so tired of it? I feel like God is just waiting for me to kill myself. Like i was destined to suffer and die.

At day, I feel fine. I have interests in some stuff like watching anime and kpop stuff. But whenever it's night I always question my life. I always end up recalling or thinking about all the bad things that has happened to me since I was a kid until now. I kept on thinking that my life is so miserable and that made me more hopeless.

I had so many thoughts and questions like "what's my purpose in life?" "why am I like this?" "what's so fun about being alive?" "some people did worse in their lives and they get to live a normal life yet why am I treated this way?" "what wrong did I do to deserve this?" "I wish I had great friends" I wish I had a great and unregretable life" "I wish I was genuinely happy" "I wish I was living the life"  "I wish I felt alive" "I wish I wasn't like this" "I wish I wasn't born in this family" "I wish I had a life like them" " I wish I was having fun like them" "I wish I had friends like them" "I wish I have youthful memories like that" "I wish I was having fun with my friends like that" "They say highschool is the most fun part of your life but why is mine like this?" 

The biggest thing I am jealous about is having friends that I am comfortable with, those who can get out the inner real me. I wanted to make fun, happy, and unforgettable memories with those friends. I am so disappointed with myself because I wasted my youth because I am like this. I hated myself the most, why do I make bad decisions all the time? It feels like I am missing out on the most fun part of my life because I am like this. 

I had so many wishes and thought of stuff I wish happened. I would imagine myself living the life I wanted every night, and it was sometimes funny to me because It's so pathetic and miserable of me. I am so pathetic and miserable. I hate everything, I hate the world and myself. I blamed other people why I'm like this but honestly this is all on me. I started thinking I was just a test subject or something like that. I was filled with so much jealousy because I see other people live a great life. I am so tired and sick of everything. I honestly couldn't take anymore of this. 

But then I thought the problem was this house and the people in it, I really wanted to get out of this house and school because I am often being embarrassed in school. because of one teacher. But then how? I can't take the courage to tell my parents because I know they won't allow me to move to another city. I am always thinking ahead of myself. I want a new start, I really do. I just need a chance but nothing is happening.

Just by thinking that I will spend another year here in this city, in this house, with these people. I would honestly rather die than to keep going on.

and now, I am planning to take my life on july 12th, my birthday. if nothing good happens by then I will kill myself. I can't take another day just to end up crying every night. It's way too tiring now.