hello everyone i am sorry to vent i just want to write this somewhere so here I am. 
i feel like it’s always me. something bad happens? that’s on me. someone upset? it must be my fault. a message with a different tone? i must have done something. a literal cat could do a pee on a random person’s doorstep and somehow id feel like it was my doing. 
it’s tiring taking everything as an attack and sometimes i think im doing well but really it’s because ive isolated myself to bare minimum contact so i can’t get hurt haha. 
i’m not sure what to do anymore. my partner makes me feel like i don’t do enough but i can’t help but be on self preservation mode because if something bad happens it’ll always be my fault anyways. that with the hot mix of black and white thinking on my part pretty much ensures im alert.  i feel like im hyper aware of everything anyways. i have explained it more times than i can count but the messages i get about ‘you don’t change’ make me feel like i must be communicating through a language only i know or something. 
i just want to love in a balanced way literally why can’t bpd stand for ‘balanced person daaaamn’ haha :( i really do have lots of love to give but my way of doing so has been blueprinted to outward care and self care, too. i feel like my fear of being to blame ultimately leads me to being blamed time and time again. 
i am so sorry to rant i just needed to put it somewhere where someone might understand. i hope you’re all having a good day and that you see some pretty clouds or get some fun mail aha!