I(f23) don't know how to approach my bf(m23)
 Long story short, we were together for 6 years but i cheated (i know please don't judge me i feelings bad enough abut that without others telling me im shit) i know why i done that i apologized and im trying my best to work on it to be better.
But the point is... He gave me a chance, which im grateful because i do love him really much.  He is hurted still, that was few moth ago.
But he all the times belittle everything about me.
I can't cry in my own home own room cuz he gets upset.
I can't tell him how i feel cuz he says he don't care.
 When i tell him he doesn't text me as much as i would like him too he redirect everything at me.
That i do that too, maybe i do, but  even when i text him once an half hour i text him much more thing that his "xd" and "lol" .
He and i both have bpd and other mental health issues so i try to understand him.
I do try my best i promise i do.
But i felt into despair when i heard today when i asked him why he does text femboys and sexy girls on other chatting apps when im next to him and want to talk. He told me that he was too sober to tolerate me. I felt and still do devastated.
I know i deserve to hear all that insults he calls me (ex. Stupid slut, stupid bitch, others in this manner) but that hurts. I know that healing is long process.
But he all the time says he hates me and doesn't care and curse at me and that he will kill himself. Im just too tired.  We both work and  cuz  of pandemic i neglect everything about me. I stopped taking my meds, im not seeing any doctors, its too tiring. And Noone even remembers that the way i behave is not all intentional. Everyone forgot already that i am SICK. but i have to do everything for everyone.
When i stopped eating for few days Noone even realized. But when i said it to him he said "so ok go starve".
Im done with living. 
Im at work rn (posting time) and i can't stop crying. 

I think i made my final decision to ctb from here.  I try today.  Noone ever loved me anyway so. Or if they do they do it only when im kinda okay.
Noone ever told me that's it okay cry.  Everyone tells me to stop and shut up.
Can anyone tell me sth nice please?
I have no friends to talk to about anything that hurts me.  My only one was my bf who doesn't care enough anymore to listen to my bullshit.
I should've killed myself already.
For good damn im at work and im mental breakdowning here can't stop crying yet i have to petent to be nice to ppl.  Too tiring. All of that.
I don't hate him he have his reasons (all because of me) but im tired of hearing all that insults.
 Im only worried about him or my mother need to cover my shift as we all work  in the same shop.