So a little backstory. I have suffered from epilepsy my whole life. It has gradually gotten worse as I aged, to the point where I have partial seizures many times every day. 

I went through surgery 3 years ago, where I had part of my temporal lobe, and the right amygdala removed.
It was good for about a year, but then the seizures returned.

I’m depressed. Very depressed.
I have no desire to eat, so I am extremely underweight.
I have to force food down my throat everyday, just to stay alive. And I’m sick of it.

I have crippling social anxiety, especially when my seizures have been bad. And I have had that as long as I can remember.

Feel like I have tried every medication known to man, but nothing works.
Weed somewhat helps, but it makes me paranoid and borderline psychotic.

I don’t have a lot of friends, and the ones I have seem to be slipping away. I’m lonely, but at the same time don’t feel like seeing anyone.

This has been my life for years, and I can’t see a way out of it.

On top of all of this, I’m beginning to get verbally aggressive. Snapping at everyone and everything. I can’t control it. But I will beat myself up over it for days following.

I have daily thoughts of killing myself. Don’t think I’m not going to do it anytime soon, but I can’t stop thinking about how it would solve my problems. How it would take me away from all of this. But I couldn’t do it to my family.

I’m in a bad place. And I don’t see why it should ever get any better.

Don’t know why I’m making this post. Maybe I just need to share it with someone. Don’t wanna scare my family, so mostly keep it to myself. Thanks if you read this far.