My academic result has always been very important to me. Mostly, it started to become important when my parents started feeling proud of me due to my good result. I didn't have any other quality to make them proud. I am also the type of person who needs a lot of validation. So, as I have no other interest, I focused a lot on my studies. So when I failed in university entrance exam, I felt like the most useless person ever. I couldn't look at my parents in the eyes. I often couldn't bring myself to talk normally with my friends who successfully got into their desired universities because of how ashamed I was(I was happy for them, just I felt really embarrassed when they asked about me.So I couldn't initiate a conversation. And they were also busy getting adjusted to their new life.

I am an extrovert person. So I can't bring myself to distance from people completely. At the same time, interacting with people started emotionally draining me. Some days later, I started going to a university to study a subject I don't have any passion for. But here's a thing, I don't have any passion for anything. I just do things mostly because I have to do. So why not just roll away with it. It's not like anybody forced me into doing so. I myself decided to study this subject (I don't even know why)


My behavior changed a lot.I still made some friends with whom I could be somewhat normal. They were even kind enough to offer me help during my breakdown and sad state. But finally,  they grew tired of me(which is completely understandable).Now, even if I ask for their academic  help as I don't not understand any concept, they don't help me without making me feel useless. I don't even know how to explain this. Whenever I ask for their help, I end up feeling really useless and then regret asking for their help.Then the next day I don't understand a concept and feel extremely useless for needing their help .( I don't know if they are at fault or it's me overthinking and ruining everything). Also,for some reason, I am really scared of my teachers and can't make myself to respond in classes voluntarily or ask for their help. So they are the only people I can rely on when my efforts go to vein for understanding a topic. Sadly, once the source of my comfort and happiness have become the source of my misery now. Now I have become more of a mess with no support. I often ask myself why do I need to be dependent on others? Why can't I take care of myself? Maybe they are going through something that I don't know of. Why can't I make myself understand that? I don't know why am I so selfish. I know the world doesn't revolve around me. Helping me or comforting me is their choice.

I have chosen a subject that I have barely any idea of neither I do have any passion for(I don't think any other subject would be better as I have no passion in any other subject). I don't understand any concept when they teach me in university.  I try to work hard whenever I can control my depression. My luck has also favored me and somehow I could still manage a good grade by working a lot. So none of my classmates actually believe that I suffer from depression or I don't actually understand the concepts.

I have not been clinically diagnosed because I didn't even took the test. My parents would freak out if I do. So I don't know if I am depressed or not. . I am also putting an act of how I am doing so fine studying a subject that I decided. But the thing I know is, I barely feel happy. Like rarely. I just feel sad and the constant fear of feeling like the most useless person is ruining me. Either I can't sleep or I can't get up from bed due to oversleeping. 

I became so emotional. Not a single day passed by in the last two months where I haven't cried and didn't hate myself for being so useless. I didn't know crying this much is possible. Today, I tried to focus on my studies, then all on a sudden I just could not stop my tears thinking how useless I am. My grade is the only good thing in my life. The only useful thing I have done in my life. Maybe it won't have such significance, maybe I won't get any job as I have no skills in my subject. Still, sometimes it makes me feel useful. That with efforts,maybe I can be good. But now,without my friend's help and the increased feeling of uselessness is eating me alive. I can't give any effort on my studies. It's impacting my result. I have only half semester left to still get a grasp of my result ,but I can't make myself stable. Why did I have to be this useless? Why can almost everybody make me feel useless?


At this point it feels like I am just saying random gibberish. 
I don't know why am I still alive, why I don't have any passion in anything, why I can't control myself!!


Sorry for such a long post.I guess I will delete it later. But for now I just needed to share it with someone, anyone.