I don't understand why I feel so horrible all the time now. I had a job and my boyfriend and I have a place together and we both stopped drinking. He is everything I could ask for. We play music together. We have 2 awesome dogs. 

If he isn't constantly talking to me or next to me I start to feel like he hates me and I get short. He tells me it's ok to feel this way because he understands I have these problems and he is here and he loves me. That's when I start crying because I hate myself and I can't stop the downward spiral of thoughts I have. I shut down. He is still there but I am so ashamed of myself and I zone out and then he thinks he caused this. It's hard to convince him that it's just me and it makes me feel like dying. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I feel so stupid because a normal conversation will have me trying to find a deeper meaning in shit he is saying and we could be talking about getting something for dinner but I'm my head I feel like I'm missing something like he is making fun of me and all he said was let's get pizza.

He caressed my stomach earlier and I got defensive and asked "what? Is it hairy?" And he laughed it off and said no I just wanted to touch you I love you. I hate being this way. 

When I was cleaning the kitchen while he was in the restroom I kept thinking about horrible I am and that he must be regretting being with me. 

All my self hate has come back for no reason. It never really left but it's so amplified I took a week off work when I should have actually just quit to rip that bandaid. I was telling at everyone there and not giving a shit anymore. I was getting panic attacks seconds after I got to work and would leave long erratic texts to my boyfriend about me hating being there. Why do I do that? I know he is at work too but I feel so bad that I don't even care that I'm stressing him out at work until after I press send. Then I feel fucking stupid. He doesn't deserve this stress I have inside me.

I feel like I'm going to completely lose it soon. And if I self harm it won't be his fault at all he tells me all the time how important I am to him and everyone in our lives. But he will take all that blame because he's gone through shit too and he already feels bad because he doesn't know how to make me feel better.

I just want to fucking die.