So there’s a lot of tragic bs that’s been coming to light recently. The current year and all.

I don’t think I’m emotionally capable of responding to these in an adult way.

So far there are 3 paths I’ve walked down and here’s how they each play out.

Path 1: Open the feelings door.

Empathy. Sorrow. Anger. Anguish. Pain. Disgust that I’m not doing more. Self hatred. Hating the world for how it is. Wanting to leave the world behind. Suicide ideation.

Path 2: Relation and compassion.

More empathy this time based of my own past abuse. I relate to the downtrodden because I know how it feels to be mistreated. I aim for complete compassion and kindness. This triggers my cPTSD. Leads to suicide ideation.

Path 3: Paranoia and fear

Paranoia feels the safest. Okay I’m white. People are angry. There are enemies everywhere and they want to hurt me. The world is ending. I can tense on the edge of fight or flight mode and maintain a comfortable alertness and sense of purpose. Oh hey now people are criticizing me for that. Also I’m terrified of leaving the house. Now everyone actually hates me and I’m desolate. Shit. Right back to suicide ideation.

Now I’m trying path 4: Emotional distance.

Don’t feel don’t feel for the love of god don’t feel feel and you’re break. Feel and you’re dead. Don’t feel.

Pretty sure I know where this is going. Suicide is pervasive and fills my thoughts like a plague. It’s been that way since March.

I’m speaking 100% from my logical brain. I see myself acting like a complete incompetent idiot and I am trying hard to find a angle that leads to peace and happiness. But I can’t find one.