I don't know where else to post this.

My ex died a week ago after a five year battle with an unknown illness. We were on friendly terms, we had each moved on. She had a great girlfriend. I'm married now with a young son. But memories of me acting out keep flooding my mind.

I am so ashamed and sorry for the way I treated her at times, before I knew I had BPD. A mutual friend today told me at the funeral, "She really cared about you. She put up with a lot for you." That cut me real deep. I already felt terrible as it is. I can never take back the shit I did, the suicide threats and the raging and everything else. I've got to live with that until the day I die.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just feeling shitty and don't know who to tell this to.

I'm sorry, Kim. You deserved better. I'm sorry I didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship and that I let my fear of abandonment manifest in very hurtful ways. I hope you can forgive me, but if not that's OK too. I'm going to miss you, but I'm glad you're finally at peace and won't have to suffer anymore.