Two years ago, I (29F) broke up with my partner (28NB). They are asexual and I'm not. I knew it when we started dating and I told them that they didn't need to worry about it, because even if I'm not asexual, I just wanted to stay with them and didn't care about not having sexual relationships with them.

Well... That was my mistake. 5 months later we started dating, I began to feel... Bad. I started to feel like something was missing for me in the relationship, that I couldn't love them completely and started to feel... Unwanted. And even if I knew it wasn't their fault, I just couldn't stop feeling bad and unwanted, but also I didn't want them to do something they phisically couldn't, of course, so... I broke up with them.

My depression started to get bigger and bigger since then. I was already depressed anyway, but this had been making my life almost impossible. I know I hurt them, not only that, I broke our promise. I told them that I was ok with not having sex with them, that they didn't need to worry, and in the end, I couldn't make that promise. I know how asexual people struggle with relationships because people like me... I just contributed to that.

I've been feeling depressed and so fucking guilty for two years now. I have anxiety and ruminations. I spend almost all nights crying for hours and can't sleep well. I feel like I deserve it and I feel like I don't deserve to be loved anymore.

We worst thing is, 4 months ago we started being friends again. They told me that it wasn't my fault to have feelings and people have the right to change and make mistakes, and thay they really want us to be friends. 

I've been feeling better this last months but I still struggle with it. It still comes and goes. I still feel so much guilt and I really would like to forgive myself, but... I don't know how, truly. I don't know if I even deserve it, but I'm really tired of feeling this way. I wish I could move on