by that i mean, you do certain things, that are not normal to test what will happen. maybe this is called risky behavior? does anyone understand?

like i'll do xyz and then change my mind and do xyz again. cross this street. text this person i havent' seen in years. change my major. take a job i hate. but to the extremes of up and down with trial and error. like i can test how long i can go without something. 

I'm aware of this NOW and trying to change it.