*This is something I am not proud of at all*
I do love my friends and I wish them well
Sometimes we get vulnerable with each other and I’m happy that I found someone who shares the same struggles as me, then when they tell me something really good happened to them or that they’re moving forward with their lives.. i feel a pinch in the chest. suddenly I’m the only one in the dirt again. 
I feel like I’m being left behind, that everyone is moving forward except of me. i think why them and not me? why no one see me and how much I’m trying to make it every single day?once my friend told me how she’s happy for someone because he deserves it. if I was her I would probably think ‘’why does he deserve it and I don’t?’’ 
And I know those feelings come from poor self esteem and deep insecurity. I used to constantly getting compared to one friend and it effected me a lot, I couldn’t take it anymore and we broke ties. 
I really just want to be genuinely happy for them without hearing good news and it ruins my day. i hate being like that help.