\--- don't know if this will work but fuck, i guess.

Another time I've nearly been on the brink of killing myself, another time I was standing over my antidepressants reading to down all of them to end all of this. I don't want to live like this anymore, I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want my friends to be with this toxic person even though I've rarely outwardly shown how I really act when I split, how I really think when I'm extremely paranoid. I've never shown any of that but I still feel toxic just for existing, and now that I've admitted to my friends that I do have absolutely something fucked with me, I feel as if they're OBLIGATED to stay with me AND I DONT WANT THEM TO FEEL THAT WAY.A few days ago I was rejoicing with myself over how I was self-harm free for over a month, and ever since I've had my antidepressant withdrawal from forgetting to not take them, I've been spiraling, and spiraling, and it's come to a point when I see my FP talking about other people other than me I WANT TO FUCKING END MYSELF.

' I was getting better' I told myself, and then I told my friends that, but I lied. I fucking lied to myself and everyone I know. I'm so glad I didn't take the action to kill myself tonight, but I don't know how long it will be until I spiral again and that reluctance to do that, knowing there are people that care about me, I don't know how long that reluctance will slip and I'll actually do it. I'm so scared of myself,. I feel like I have no control over what my body does at this point.  I just need help, I need help and I need support but I don't know how to get that when I don't have therapy, and I don't want to talk to my friends about it. Because I don't want to hurt them more than I feel like I already have.Im so scared to get back on Discord and tell them that 'im just fine' because I'm lying to them, but I don't want to tell them the truth that I was on the brink of fucking killing myself. I don't know what to do, I can't even get out of bed.