To preface this I stopped taking meds back in February. I used to be on lamictal, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and adderall.

I just started taking my Wellbutrin again because it’s getting to that point.

I broke up with my boyfriend in December and I kind of went into a hyper sexual episode. I moved back home, totaled my car on the highway and by a sheer miracle I didn’t 💀.

Eventually I moved in with a coworker 5 minutes from work and things seemed to be better. Despite everything even now I have a good grip on my mental health, but I’ve beginning to spiral into depression this month.

I was in a toxic on and off relationship with someone I unfortunately developed strong feelings for and lowkey still do. I cut him off once and for all early this month.

He wreaked havoc on my self esteem, but I knew I could bounce back.

A week later I learned than my workplace is shutting down in November and last week I was diagnosed with genital herpes. I’ve had about 5 sexual partners since my breakup and irresponsibly hadn’t been tested since January.

I’ve only ever had protected sex, but with herpes that’s not a guarantee.

I texted this last dude telling him to get checked. He thanked me for telling him and took the news somewhat suspiciously well. I don’t want to play the blame game, because it doesn’t matter anymore. He texted me his morning saying he came back negative, so I guess I might as well take his word for it. He’d mentioned prior that he hadn’t been intimate with anyone before me in years and I believe him.

I feel terrible, embarrassed, defeated, my heart is completely shattered. I recently started therapy and on Tuesday I’ll share the news with my therapist.

I had pledge celibacy after this guy just because I was so hurt by him. Now, I feel like I’ve been forced to close myself off. I fee unlovable and at least before I felt fuckable. I love sex so much, even to an unhealthy degree because it became a means to feel validated.

Through this pain I find myself longing for him again, badly. Because in his own fucked up way he cared, he just couldn’t be who I needed. He’s cruel and manipulative, but I feel so attached still.

I can’t go back because he was awful to me, but now I don’t even think he’d even want me back since I have herpes.

I’ve cried a few times, maybe not enough. I think if this happened any earlier in my life I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’ve got a grip still, my feelings don’t feel as sharp, but I feel like I’m being swallowed whole.

I don’t actively want to [REDACTED] myself, but for the first time in a long time I feel “ready to 💀”.

I feel so lonely 

It’s my birthday next month, I’ll be 27. I long to be loved and embraced and seen. I want to hide away and rot. I wish my birthday wasn’t so close. I don’t want to be celebrated, the love of my friends almost feels like a slap in the face because I can’t love myself