So that I can kill myself guilt free. I find myself becoming more and more resentful of these few people because I live only for their benefit, to spare them from the pain of hearing I'd died; of "mourning" someone who was never real, never really here, never a person, just a nonentity in tremendous mental pain every moment of every day. I'm almost 30 with nothing but regrets and scars to show for it, looking at my future is already like staring down the barrel of a shotgun, except the slug is in slow motion and will take decades more to reach my face. I keep having flashes of myself as an old man, dying slowly on cold bathroom tiles after a fall, with no one there to help me. That's the best I can hope for.