We’d been talking on tinder, huge messages, for 3 months during lockdown, I stopped talking to anyone else and felt happy just talking to this guy. We went on 6 dates, he was kind, never insulted me, he’d come to me, I’d go to him, he would be gentle and buy us dinner, we went for a picnic and he got all these lovely things, he’d get drinks he knew I liked (smoothies etc), he got me flowers when I moved into my new flat and he was saving me wooden palettes at his work so I could have a bed at my new place. He put effort in but in conversation there was distance between us. He wasn’t very affectionate and I felt I was going towards him most of the time.

A few dates in we kissed, then on the next date we had sex I think. On the last date he had sex with me without a condom because he was struggling to “keep it up”. In the morning he made me breakfast, and kissed me twice goodbye. That day he went straight back on tinder, I saw his distance changing every day so he was clearly talking to someone. (When we started dating in person his location didn’t change for about 5 weeks and I genuinely think he had no interest to go on). But he went on a few times, but after that last date I believe it was frequently changing. He didn’t tell me he wasn’t interested, he just stopped messaging after dates, after a week of not hearing from him I asked what was going on and he said he liked me and wanted things to continue as they were but not go further (more frequent), I replied and then he said now you mention it yeah this isn’t for me, I want to enjoy being single again. And he said that I didn’t really respond to messages and so he was just giving me my space.

My abandonment trauma went mad, I’ve just moved into a place on my own in a rough area, my mental health has suffered immensely but he was a constant, in my journal I got to the point where I was writing “I feel safe with him”, I was reassuring my abandonment anxiety, saying no he does like me, he is being consistent etc and I actually trusted him after about 4-5 months of interacting with him.

I feel he’s left me because I’m boring and shy, because I am scared to be myself and because I don’t have my life together. I was shy meeting his sister and when I moved into the new flat I was tired and quite sad. I am similar to a child and I feel like he felt that and was very turned off by it. I felt he had a good character, I felt he was a good guy, he was trying to make it work just like I was.. I picked up that he was a bit emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy and confused about himself, he’d broken up with a long term girlfriend 6 months ago, but I am scared to think whether it was actually worse than that. I am scared I will have an sti. Maybe I won’t, he said he was clean but the feelings of rejection are so painful and he totally switched on me so maybe he’s not the person I thought.

I wake up at 3am every morning in a pool of sweat, I have horrible panic attacks, thinking he is better than me and he was so cold because he knows I’m worthless. I slowly put my trust in someone and they threw me away. I felt like we weren’t a perfect match but for some reason I was trying so hard to be, I was trying to please him and hide my issues and how miserable and selfish I am. But I feel like he saw how shit I am and had no interest in me when he got to know my personality. I’m not a real person and people can pick up on that. I don’t have presence.

So that’s turned into a rant but yeah I’m currently ashamed, and feeling as worthless as I did before. And wondering why it was so damn easy for him to discard me.