(short life history) I've suffered depression most of my life. I am now 30. I've been in an out of therapy and taken multiple medications. When I was younger 6, I was in a tragic car accident that took the life of my brother, Uncle, and GodMother. My mother was driving and felt guilty for it. I was hospitalized for six months with a blood clot and severely broken femur bone. My parents are divorced, and I have no relationship with my biological father. My mother eventually got remarried, but my stepfather was verbally abusive. He would always call me names and make me feel like I wasnt good enough. 

That being said I have issues with break ups. In high school I was dating this girl for four years. When that relationship ended I feel into a deep deprssion. Dropped out of college and lost my job. I had one relationship after this where I was fine with the break up I guess because it was on my terms. 

Fast forward to 2019. I was taking 200mg of Zoloft. Then met this amazing woman who I thought would be my wife. I decided to reduce my dose to 50 my because of sexual side effects. Then everything went downhill slowly. I didn't notice this at first, but I started isolating myself, had no motivation to go out, became emotionally numb, slowly but surely a toxic partner. 

We broke up in October. It was my fault. I wasn't getting my depression treated. I can't forgive myself for potentially destroying the best relationship of my life. 

After the breakup, I stopped taking the medication and fell into deeper depression. I just started taking Wellbutrin, but I can't help but feel like it's too late. The damage to my life is done. She added color to my black and white life. Now I work, come home, and sleep. I don't have available friends to connect with. I am so alone and can't help but think I am doomed for a life of solitude. My dream was to have a family, but that doesn't seem like reality anymore. I am struggling to find purpose in my life. I don't understand why I have to suffer every day.