Hey,

It's 3:35 am over here , checking his social medias, wondering,
 who's the friend he spends a lot of time with ? Did he lie when he said this and that ? And so on and so fourth...

Weirdly I remember once saying to my psychiatrist that I was always a bit glad that I was "right" that I caught one of my exes chatting with a girl and planning to meet...( some kind of self fulfilling prophecy thing )/ after I knew that I cut him cold turkey. While before I would hang in there , even when I stopped liking the person , I needed for them to do something wrong , and felt so relieved.

I wanna have a family of my own, but still , I'm afraid of having a serious relationship, end up being both glad and heart broken at the same time .

I wanna have a fulfilling relationship , but the fact that I don't trust anyone ( my mother included ), or I have this kind of trust that varies during time , like me trusting the person , then one day doubting her , do my research , finding that that person said the truth ,trusting her /him again , and a whole cycle.

I function well with people (strangers) , I'm always smiling and bubbly, but draining  , academically speaking It went well (impostor syndrome aside), for the moment I have a part time job. 

The thing is once there is a sprinkle of "emotions " involved, in ANY relationship , I'm a mess.

I deeply think I'm toxic , and I try my best to be pleasant, ended up becoming a doormat.

I wish sometimes I could see the future and present , so I could be sure that people are not out to get me .

My trust issues are rotting inside of me, and the fact that I have hard time relying on someone . Makes life harder than it is. People depended on me financially, and emotionally; I was ( still , but less than before ) the kind of friends that you call during bad times and forget about when you are joyful. A ex friend even used the word "convenient" , while describing a certain situation. Like " I was convenient for him /,her at that time".

Please if anyone can help
How can I overcome my trust issues ?
How can I have a bit of faight that people aren't using me or making a fool of me ( when my past , early age and those last years) was full of that ?
Can I have a family of my own one day , when statically I have approximately 20% less chance than average people ?
Can I beat the odds. Or is it all doomed?