i have no reason for feeling this way. i have two loving parents who just want me to be happy, best friends who are celebrating my 20th birthday with me in a few days and who literally took off of work to be with me, a cousin who is literally taking a FLIGHT to come and see me tomorrow, a boyfriend who lives me unconditionally, a car, a roof over my head, food every day, etc. i am so lucky and grateful for all of this. at the same time, though, i want to die; disappear. waking up and living every day is hell. every interaction with people is torture. being by myself is torture. i feel drained of all of the life and light inside of me. i don’t even want to celebrate my birthday and be around people happy that i’m here when all i think about is if i wasn’t. there’s so much more i want to say but i’m having trouble finding the words. i just really need someone to talk to.