It's literally 2.53am almost 3am right now, while I'm laying in bed hold tight to my pillow and memories of the past and thoughts about the future floods my brain. 

I hate humans, the way people interact with each other and make things complicated, how some people don't listen to you or doesn't try to understand you, I've tried to talking to people and I've been everyone treasure chest of secret or problems and when I try to help them it's been discarded to "you don't know what I'm talking about" or "you don't know what I've been though" I hate humans and I hate the fact I'm also human. 

Im sure people will understand the feeling when you want to cry but you can't just like a dry up river or an empty gas tank, I also get this feeling of an aching or a weight in my chest that pulls me down everyday.
I never thought I would have depression, I've had always believed that my family and I will grow up happy and I'll live out my life with a happy ending.....but I was a kid back then, being blamed for everything, family falling apart along with your life, beings ignored, being told "you're being too dramatic", having to moved schools and homes, having flashbacks every time I lay in bed to that night I wish I could forget, I hate humans!

To be honest I've fantasise about killing myself either hoping a car would hit me or just by hanging by the ceiling but I know my friends and family would be broken and devastated. But my family and friends will never expect me to kill myself.....why? Because I try or act to be happy around them, when they asked me "are you okay?" Or "how you been?" I just lie and say "I'm doing great" it's just easier to lie than having to explain what's going on inside your head and the feelings your dealing with. I just don't want them to know but I'm crying for help but I want to be left alone at the same time, I'm torn by these feelings and I don't want anyone to be sad or worry about me.

Thats why every night when I lay in bed, I grab my neck and choke myself till I get either light headed or my throat starts hurting. I believed if i keep doing this I could be able to die in my sleep. What an idiot I am...