I want to be hated

Best friend is over at my house. I’m with my family. Taking a break from school. I have OCD and potentially BPD.

I had these mushy little songs written for my mom and my friend. I was gonna show them, but I don’t think this weekend is the move.

Instead, I just get hit with this intense emotion sometimes… I just want my best friend to hate me, reject me, and leave my life. These feelings get intense. It’s mainly because of how much I hate myself and how my OCD/BPD exhausts me. I have tried to push him away before when I first got spoken to about BPD. 

I have tried to ask him to stop being friends with me, but when his heart breaks, it just kills me and I can’t. I love him like my brother, and hurting him is one of the worst things I could ever do.

So, instead, I pray. I ask God to turn his heart against me. It falls on deaf ears I guess, because nothing changes.

It comes and goes. It’s been a great weekend, but this comes in HARD.

When he leaves tonight, I’m going to have a strong urge to stop talking to him. I hate that I do this. I wish I could understand why I’m like this, man..