 TLDR: Reflection on my relationship with ex partner who was presumably BPD. He discarded me, days before my birthday. These two years felt like a dream turned nightmare. I’m lost. I feel empty, I feel like I messed up, I feel guilt. 

Seeking support and advice on how to move forward.

My ex was diagnosed as clinically depressed. I never knew anything about BPD until one day I came on here to ask for advice. An individual reached out to me here on Reddit suggesting that he may have BPD. Looked into it. It has to be one of the biggest revelations of my young adult life. It explained SO MUCH of his behavior. The extreme insecurity, overly emotional, self harm, unstable relationships, suicidal, paranoia, emotional instability etc. it all made so much sense…  

We were together 2 years. Met online. Long distance. Told me I was his soul mate, his dream girl, said I love you very quickly, rushed the relationship very quickly, now I recognize this as love bombing even though he said he really meant it. The beginning was bliss. After a while I wasn’t this idealized version of myself he thought I was. Things started to get more “normal” or comfortable as time went on. No more idealization. It was great for the first year. I was there for all his downwards spirals, encouraging him talking to him. Refused to go to therapy during the relationship since he said he’s been to so many and they all say the same thing. “It gets better.”

It all seems like a blur now. How did we go from something so beautiful to a disaster. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to start a family with him. We had so many shared goals and dreams. We would have finally been able to close the gap on our distance next year. He would have finished school by then and could have came to move with me while I finished school. Then the world would be ours to conquer together. He emotionally cheated on me. Lied to my face about texting an old friend who he ended up making plans with, flirting, said we were broken up. There was something else I found out with another girl I wasn’t happy about either. Who knows what else. 

Who is this guy? Who is this guy that wrote me love letters for my birthday saying he would love me for as long as he lives and beyond this realm of existence? Forever. Who is this guy that treated me like a princess. What happened? The night he did that, we were smiling, laughing happily on FaceTime, making plans for my birthday. The next morning I woke up, everything changed. I told him we were over. Then gave him another chance. We were supposed to get better together. We both enlisted in therapy. We were supposed to support each other. Every time I brought up what he had done he got upset with me. He said he wanted to move forward and I wasn’t letting him do that. He never gave me a sincere apology though. Never took accountability, even though I sincerely gave him my apology for everything I had ever done wrong in the relationship. 

He wasn’t happy with me anymore. He told me a couple months back. I’m the reason he’s depressed, I’m the reason he self harms, I’m the reason he started drinking. “I think we should break up. I don’t want to date someone who feels that way about me. I want you to be happy.” But no. “Are you giving up? I need you

:( You don’t make me depressed. I’m just hurt.“ I stayed. I thought things would get better. More of that came. Our last visit. “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m scared you’re not the one for me. I need you and I want you in my life. I’m scared this will be the last time I see you.” Things end up being ok after that. Until he cheated. 

Well we were working together. Whenever I didn’t bring up my hurt and what he had done he was happy to speak to me. We were speaking of all the plans, all the things we were going to do on my next visit for my birthday. My flight was due on the 29th. 2 days away. He even gave me some money to come over. I bought the tickets. He said he wanted me to come, to see me again. Next day, he texts me. “I hope you’re having a good day, I’m always thinking of you.” He tells something is wrong by my “You too.” He asked me what’s wrong and to fess up. I tell him that I am hurt. He says why. I tell him. What he had done changed my reality. It will take months, possibly years to heal from. I told him how I’m always thinking of you doesn’t really hit me the same way anymore. He got infuriated with me, saying how I had to ruin his efforts at trying to move forward. He said I haven’t been trying at all. Doesn’t speak to me the rest of the day basically. Find out the next day I’m blocked everywhere. Even blocks my number. 

He wrote me one last text saying how he wants me in my life but I’m bad for him. He said nothings changed except we fight more and he drinks heavily. He said he hope we both got the help we needed. That was it basically. Two years down the drain. Our future that he wanted too. Part of me is relieved. Relieved that I won’t be under his control anymore, telling me what I can and can’t do, shaming me, degrading and devaluing me, the splitting, getting upset with me every time I confronted him about my feelings or about something he had done, snapping at me for the dumbest things saying that I don’t care about his feelings and never listened. I don’t think he loved me for me. He wanted me to be what he wanted me to be. Not myself. 

Part of me feels devastated. This is a huge loss. My first real long term committed relationship. I’m ashamed for the things I’ve done wrong, but I also was young (17 when I met him, turning 20 now) and forgive myself. I wish I could have done and said some things differently, but I don’t know if it would have even made a difference. He’s gone now. Aside from everything, he was my best friend. I don’t know where or why, but he turned colder towards me. Everything suddenly became my fault, every argument was turned towards me. I am not good for him. What happened. Where do I go from here? I truthfully feel deeply traumatized by this. It was so intense, whether it was good or bad. Now it’s gone. Poof. Part of me wanted to go see him still. I keep getting emails to buy my seats. But he discarded me, even though he’s the one that cheated. Am I a horrible person? That’s how he made me feel. 

The lies, the manipulation, the emotional abuse, the hopes, the dreams, the love, our future, it’s all over now. I hope he’s happy. 

Messaged him once more on an alternate Instagram account. Told him I wanted to him his money back. Told him I will wish the best for him for the rest of my life. I told him that I hope this wouldn’t be our finally goodbye. I would love to hear from him again one day if he was open to it, to see how he was doing. He is an aspiring musician with big dreams. Told him I’ll always care for him and that I believe in him. Didn’t like any of my messages. Blocked me incredibly quickly. Before he got the chance to block me I saw his story “I'm single and extra depressed now (crying emoji) need friends to hang out with” 

I look back at it now. He stopped telling me how he was feeling. He stopped being as open with me. He instead posted all his deepest thoughts and questions on his 700+ followers account for everyone to see. I asked him why and he never really gave me an exact answer. I supported him regardless though. If it made him happy then I guess it was ok. His inbox would FLOODED with all kinds of messages. He said sometimes they could have been flirty. He would call me an attention seeker for posting pictures of myself. 

What happened? 