Hi guys!
First of all I want to say thank you for the posts and comments. I don’t participate in this Reddit but reading them helps so much to recognize the patters and the thought process we go through. It just helps to know that a lot of what I’m feeling and thinking isn’t just me. And there’s people to talk to about it. 

Earlier this year I got diagnosed with bipolar type 2. My psychiatrist and therapist told me I’m mainly hypomanic. Obviously like many people I got diagnosed after a visit to the emergency room and lots and lots of shit that happened in my life. That tbh I know is caused by me. To be honest being bipolar became an insecurity now. Idk how I am. I’m learning to live with it and try to handle it and I see the beautiful parts of it and accepting them. But going through life worrying if what you’re feeling and thinking is reality or just another cycle where a few days/weeks later I’ll look back and realize how wrong I was, and how much pain I’m causing for myself and the  people around me who truly love and care for me. 
I’m 29 years old. I just got diagnosed. So now Im unlearning a lot of the thought processes that I thought was the right way of thinking.

 honestly I don’t know who I am. One week I’m someone, the next I’m a completely different person. And in between them is drama that hurts me and everyone I love. It’s scary to feel like it will happen again. 
It’s scary for me because during it. My feelings and thoughts are so REAL and so powerful that I can’t for the life of me connect with reality. I do something with honest and good intentions thinking I’m just defending myself. But once it’s over i look back and I see how wrong I was. How people were actually being there for me. But to me it then attacking me. 

The reason why I’m writing this is because I want to know; how can I handle the paranoia? How can I recognize it to see what is real and what is my mind playing tricks on me? What is reality?!

I know this is a conversation that I should have with my therapist, and I am. But I want to hear it from people who are going through it. I’m tired of causing pain left and right. And having that pain destroy so many relationships and friendships with amazing people who I know cared for me but back then I thought they were out to get me. I look back and see how much they tried to help and all I did was hurt them to “protect myself”.  I don’t want to do this anymore. I also never did it out of spite. I genuinely thought I was under attack. I feel like everything else with this illness is easy to handle. It’s the paranoia that I can never take control of. Because now matter how much I try to recognize it while it’s happening, and tell myself to take a deep breath and try to calm down and be rational. I still know how real it felt. It was my reality. A twisted one, but it is real. But I never know how to step out of it and see the truth  and stop this shitty cycle. The guilt that I’m feeling since I got diagnosed and remember everything I did kills me so I want to learn to stop it and not continue hurting the ones around me. I love them I don’t want to lose more of them. 

I hope this made sense. I’m not a native English speaker so please excuse me not making sense lol.