Not sure where to post this, so It's going to pop up in a few places, and I know it's long but I need help and the details paint a picture:

Ok, so this is going to be a long piece with many details, but the short version is I have not been able to get over the first relationship I’ve ever had, and its been almost a decade, like around 8 years at this fucking point.

I can’t make it stop, I don’t know what to do, and I know it’s pathetic.

I can’t eat, move or sleep. I can’t get out of bed or do really anything.

I have 3 therapists, a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, *and* Psychologist, and “life advocate”.

I have spent time in both residential and day mental hospitals, I’ve been sent to a wilderness program for 4 months and spent a year in a “therapeutic bonding school” both against my will.

I was bounced around to 5 high schools and held back a year because I could not function through the depression. I take 6 medications a day, and 3 sleeping pills at night, when I do rarely get to sleep she pop ups in my dreams and make it worse.

I am almost embarrassed and ashamed that this is my main problem and is causing this many waves in my life.

The story is I met this girl in a small artsy “alternative" high school around let’s say 2011-12 or so?, and over the course of a few months we became really good friends and I knew I was completely in love with her, after a while I worked up the courage to tell her how I felt and then we started dating. This girl was a little weird, but I was so in love with her I either did not notice or didn’t care.

A few examples are: she had a phase of wearing a wolf tail and thinking she had some kind of animal spirt of something, she wore a lord of the rings cloak a lot of the time for a bit, she had another phase of being “transgender” when that was the new thing, and one of having an “alternate personality” named “*shadow”* who hated me, and so on.

Seemingly switching them when the old one did not get attention.

But that did not bother me at the time.

She was the only person I ever felt any kind of connection to in my entire life.

I don’t know if it’s due to the fact I was adopted, but I don’t *FEEL* anything or have real connections to any people, or my family.

I’ve never had any real friends because I either had no social skills or knowledge to make them, OR I never found anyone I wanted to connect with beyond surface level interaction.

I don’t currently have any friends or even have anyone talk to anyone outside my house beyond the basic interactions with people while buying things or just passively existing in the world.

This girl did SOMETHING, or she had something that made me feel complete, I felt better, I had motivation to do things and accomplish all I could.

I even tried my absolute hardest to move up a grade so we could get out of school at the same time, the thought of spending a year without her was at the time the most horrible thing I could imagine.

My current psychoanalyst thinks my sensory issues (SPD; part of the autism spectrum stuff I have) are my main issue, which may or may not be true.

I DO know she was the only person I ever wanted to touch or be touched by.

It was not a mainly sexual thing, I’ve never liked being hugged or touched by my family, or anyone else, which made me feel even more isolated and my parents slightly distant and sad.  
I hated people physically showing affection and never wanted it.

But with her it was different, I loved it and could never get enough. To the point that I’m sure it annoyed her because she would push me away both physically and emotionally then pull me back constantly. Although we never actually had “sex”, if thats a detail that can help.

When I think of things that would make me happy or when I think of things I want, the main thing that pops up constantly is to hug her, Nothing more, Just hold her for as long as I could and just lounge in the FEELING for someone.

We also had a “friend group” she seemed to value more than are relationship and at times would publicly “break up with me” and then stay with me secretly. She even put my phone contact under a fake name. I am not unattractive or any kind of person people would feel shame for being around normally, so it was something in her head, that group seeing her differently or seeing her as a “girl” or something. (Although if you want to get into it, high school boys that want to play “finger fencing” with a girl are 100% desperately trying to touch a breast)

She would often break things off which devastated me, only to come back or “letting me win her back” if you want to put it like that, which was mainly just me trying to talk her down from thinking we should just be friends or her ignoring me altogether.

She was from Russia, lived with her mom, I assume had some father issues, was obsessed with knives and weapons, took many different fighting and martial arts classes, even a medical sword fighting course. Which again, at the time, seemed cool if anything.

We would talk for hours and hours, we got to know each other incredibly well, although there where some things she would never tell me and some things I only found through analyzing things on facebook (yeah, pre-2015 facebook, remember THAT?) and other details, almost like she wanted people to follow breadcrumbs to learn about her personality.

I constantly gave her gifts, mostly specialized knives and weapons (some mildly illegal) because I was desperate to show her how I felt or form some kind of more powerful bond with her that would be harder for her to break.

Quite a bit of the talking we did that wasn’t in person was though texting and messaging, which is also where 100% of the breakups happened, she never did it face to face.

One particularly devastating time was after she came over and my parents made her and easter basket because she had never gotten one in her life, and we had a fun time all weekend. The next thing I heard from her was something trying to push me away.

We often spent the night at each others houses, I think non Americans are more accepting of that and my parents knew how important she was to me. Again we never had full one “sex” but I was desperate to literally sleep with her, literally just cuddle in the same bed, sleep, and wake up. Thats it. (never got to) although we did do a fair amount of cuddling which again, I loved.

I have had a handful of relationships since, but despite my best efforts I could never CARE about them the same way or feel anything for. I truly LOVED this girl, and sadly still do.

It finally ended for good one summer when we spent and entire day together talking, and her apologizing for hurting me so many times and promising to never break things off again, only to you guessed it, break up the next morning through a fucking TEXT. Which caused 15 year old me to write a VERRY angry and violent letter t her which she spread around the school, sparking what would become my multi year downfall…

I have seen her maybe 3 times over the years since. Always with me writing her some long winded letter and planning an elaborate meeting designed to rekindle feelings and get a foot back in the door. Once at a Russian restaurant where I presented her with a sword and ring I had made. Which she ACCEPTED at the time, then mailed back.

Ever get a full sized sword AND rejection letter in the mail?

Most recently I saw her a few months ago after I asked he for help and explained my life and mental state, I gave her full control of the time, place, etc.

She picked the city square we used to meet the most and took me on basically a walking tour or all the landmarks tired to memories, it was uncanny, I mean literally EVERY single one. Boston is a relatively small city, sure. But we could have met anywhere at all, but she picked the square, we met in-front of the library, we walked through where the park we finally told each other how we felt, we even ended in an abandoned hotel ballroom (hard to explain),

We used to go there all the time to hang out, and where some of the most powerful times we spent together. She claimed not to remember or do this on purpose, but I have a hard time she would forget that. We took some edibles, I have a medical card. I bought some for myself to not cry in-front of her while we talked about this, boy did that backfire. But she took one to, one her own, I did not even offer one. She claimed this was why she did some of what she did, but come on man, quite the bullshit. They where very weak ones too.

On a similar note, the first time we had any real sexual contact while we where together,

we “smoked weed” but it was **fake weed.** Plus she never inhaled it correctly from the bong or got a full hit, so she was not high in any way, Not that it matters when the drugs are *fake.*

I did not do that with any plan of doing anything or taking advantage; I just could not get real weed at the time and REALLY wanted to seem cooler than I was.

But looking back on it (and at the time) I thought it seemed she just needed an excuse or bogus catalyst to act on her feelings for me, I believe her feelings for me where stronger then she ever allowed herself to realize, or wanted to believe.

So again, just like with the edibles, it seemed like she need a fake reason to act as a buffer between her and other people and objective reality.

As someone dealing with severe alcoholism and drug addiction, I understand the craving or NEED to put something between yourself and reality but this just seems weird.

At this point I just want this obsession to stop. I didn’t want this or choose this, but I can’t get this fucking thing out of my head. It really is running my life. But still I can’t make it stop.

At this point I understand she is objectively a horrible person.

She claimed she has caused this obsessive behavior in others, I met one of them online a long time ago, some little girl that went to the same school.

Is it some kind of pheromone thing, or animal magnetism or charisma.

STILL even in that last meeting, she does something that makes me feel whole.

I feel like there is a physical hole or heavy weight in the center of my torso and it never goes away.

She is currently using her parents money to travel had has a “job” at her dads shady Russian tech company, and is in a really unhealthy “poliamerus” sexual relationship with 3-4 guys that seems to be built around her not having to commit and her being the center of attention at all times.

I really can’t see a future where I am happy without her, which I know is both unlikely and not healthy because she is a horrible person. But thats really all I want.

Well that or to get this fucking obsession over with.

I feel like she has stolen years of my life, intonational or not.

I have no idea what to do, and I really need help.

Thanks.