19f I want a relationship but the jadedness I feel towards them is what keeps me away.

Relationships seem like a bunch of bullshit at this point- I’ve only had two. To start I have no romantic experience. I didn’t get a cool first kiss where I felt butterflies. And the two relationships I have been in were both with people I genuinely really liked and invested myself in. Both were quite literally cons. And dragged me along and used me for sex while I was fully invested. I’ve never gotten a first date- I’ve never had someone who’s actually liked me. Or felt the need to be loyal to me or invest in me. 

At this point- I’m pissed. I get it I shouldn’t feel entitled to a good relationship. But it’s literally always been the one thing missing from my life. And it seems like a curse. I am doomed to be alone. My entire family is a bunch of dysfunctional divorced couples. 

I believed in partnership when I was a kid.  It at this point it seems like some lofty fantasy that quite literally dose not exist in my own personal reality. My parents didn’t love each other my grandparents marriage was a sham. On both sides. 

my resentment and anger regarding partnership at this point keeps me from even extending myself towards anyone. 
Why would I trust someone to like me- why would I bond over intimacy knowing it’s the equivalent to eating a fucking hamburger for some people. It’s just a nice treat- it’s convenient- it’s like meat. 

My standards are as tall as a sky scraper at this point which I’m sure is beyond  distancing. But you gotta give me something valuable at this point. Words mean nothing. People can say anything. People can string you along - people lie. I feel like I’m expecting a down payment if you want my time - emotions or intimacy. That shit isn’t free- it comes at cost. And as I say this I’m aware it’s unhealthy. But I’m so sick of being treated like a hamburger. Eaten and shit out on to the next easy meal. It’s just so easy and replaceable. But where are my replacements?????