I don’t know if it’s just anxiety or OCD but i get this fearful obsessive anxiety about specific things that last for long terms of time (years, months). i currently have one that has lasted (interruptedly) since i can remember; for this one the intensity fluctuates, and it’s triggered by specific scenarios. some obsessions will vanish for periods of time (years, months) and then come back. i feel like (mostly) this obsessions emerge —or if they’re currently present in my mind, get worse— when i’m having a really bad time dealing with anxiety. before i realized that the fear was irrational it used to drive me completely nuts, it caused me horrible meltdowns. sometimes some new appear, some of them stay persistently or some of them stay at the very back of my mind but i think they never vanish completely. sometimes i even forget about some of them. and some of them are even correlated or even come from a big fear that ramificates.

usually my obsessions are bout me harming someone, or about me being harmed, or crucial things about my identity. it usually and currently derivates from those topics. i try to ignore when something triggers —that instant panic, that’s how i know it’s coming— but sometimes when the panic (anxiety) is too intense, it stays with me. in the future i’ll be having intrusive thoughts about it. these obsessions really terrorize me and make me overthink so much. it’s so tiring. 

the forgotten ones can become really big ones quickly, it just takes the right moment. when one vanishes some other will replace it —i obv don’t do this consciously—. usually i have one that’s the big one (1), the main at the moment, and the others (maybe 2) just bother me casually. but i’m never truly at peace :/ 

i think it hasn’t alway been like this. i think (from what i can recall) that most of the time i only had that one big obsession, but just one. i has gotten worse now that i’m not doing well mentally due to things in my life that have affected me drastically. 

i’m not diagnosed with BPD but i’m pretty sure i have it. i’m just wondering if anyone with BPD relates to this to see if it correlates to BPD. sorry if it does not. and sorry if i make a mistake, english isn’t my first language.