I know it's hard to forget about the past, it's hard to forgive people who impact my life and makes me become who i am now.

Me the person who have extremely negative thought, the person who have abusive parents, the person who always relies and too hopeful in others but at the end always ended up getting disappointed, the person who easily to belive in other people but ended up getting betrayed, the person who always feel like an failure because falling behind others, me who are lonely person and don't have someone who are close and special. I have been hurting myself physically since i was kid, even want to end my life 2 times before.

But

Today when i opened my eyes, my heart, my mind and start to thinking straight. Then i realize it's not my job to satisfying others life, it's not my job to fix my relation with people who used to be my friend or people used to be close to me. I must let it go and keep going forward.

Life is so cruel that something worse tend to happens atleast for me, but then i have to fight in my way. Finding a reason to fight and keep living.

I know its not just me being depressed and anxiety, there are many people out there battling their depression and anxiety everyday, it so mentally exhausting.

I haven't thinking about this before, but when i see it now i know people who are in this situation are people who actually stronger than they think they are, living in a situation where having a life is much more difficult than a normal person, that's how much stronger depressed person.

I have been changing my mind lately, from asking myself and blaming my life "why this is happening" to "how can i solve this", it makes me becomes better because i can forgive myself from doing mistake.

I accept myself is not perfect, i don't have to do and expect anything to be perfect, i just need to be a better me without comparing to other people success.

I don't have to do the same things everyday because there are many new things i can try to learn and even maybe i can find my success on that new thing, i need to rewards myself more for every right things i have done even if it's just a little thing.

When normal people have happiness, i think i deserve it too because i work harder than them to even only to trying to enjoy this life, not only me but every other depressed person deserve it too.

For you depressed or anxiety person who read my post, i must say thanks you very much. You are not alone, we are fighting together to enjoy this life. You are not weak as you think, you are not bad as you think, you are not ugly but a beautiful person, you are not as useless person as you think you are, you are lonely because you haven't found meaningful people who are close to you, and someone who can be your love.

Keep living and never give up. Even though you are suicidal person like me, you still live now. You know why? the reason for that is because there is hope for your happiness. Its not you don't have happiness, it just you haven't found it. So keep fighting, always being positive, keep smiling and hope for brighter future. I hope we all can find our happiness someday.