To preface, I’m not diagnosed, and I haven’t seen a psychiatrist or anything yet. I know I’ve had a severe history of depression, but it always seemed like there was more to it. 

I self harm semi-regularly. I can’t tell if I feel any relief after I cut, but it calms me down. I really enjoy the sight of my blood. 

Sometimes I wake up and I don’t even know who I am. I’m deeply compassionate towards others, but I also have a sickening fear of abandonment. I know I’m loved, but I seems that I have to convince myself that anyone around me gives a shit. 

I wouldn’t purposely try and kill myself, but I think I’ve had several accidental attempts in the past. 

For most of my life I’ve been able to manage it. with the recent suicide of my best friend however, every aspect of my situation has gotten astronomically worse. He was the only person that I was convinced wouldn’t leave me, and although I’m in a good relationship at the moment with a girl that I truly love. I’m horrified that I could snap and say the wrong thing. I would never hit her or hurt her. I would only do that to myself if I got that upset. 

Sometimes in the midst of cutting myself I’m still convinced that I’m faking a mental disorder. Even though I do everything in my power to hide my scars, I can’t help but think I’m begging for sympathy. I know telling random strangers on Reddit isn’t a cure for me, and I’m not even sure if I’m being genuine when writing this. I guess I’m just hoping that someone else understands. I’d hate to diagnose myself, and I don’t even really want to think of the idea of having bpd. But I know I’m showing symptoms, and I’m just hoping that someone else can understand what I’m feeling at the moment.