Okay, so we shall start with the fact that I just want to fucking die. I've been struggling for so long, and there is no hope in sight of anything improving.

BPD Backstory:
I have been dealing with depression as far back as I can remember into my childhood without any assistance/support from my parents, seeing as they would brush it off as hormones. I always had hope that things would get better, though they never did, and the consistent shattering of hope took it's toll. Eventually it got to the point that my parents couldn't deny I was struggling with more than just puberty and after dropping out of college, I began seeing a psychiatrist. After many attempts trying to work away at my depression, we came to realize I have BPD.

Fastforward to now (3 years later and many diff medications ago) :
I'm supposed to be on 3 medications right now. (Pristiq, Vraylar, and Welbutrin) I decided the other day I didn't want to take them anymore, though, bc my parents are constantly invalidating me bc of my meds. If I have a bad day or mood, then I must've missed medication, despite anything that I say and they just ignore me and my issues per usual. I'll be upfront rn, and will admit I regret stopping taking it, though. My head is a mess but I am too stubborn to let anyone irl know I feel this way. As soon as my parents found out I stopping taking them, they berated me. Told me I was only making another mistake of many. So, of course I dug my heels in as they just verbally beat the shit out of me because they're just tired of have to "deal with me." Eventually got kicked out after mom made me cry and then she blamed it on my lack of meds, which led to another argument. 

Another source of stress is that, because of my BPD, I am unable to maintain a job. Cannot find it in me enough to force myself to work. I am fully aware of the consequences of not working--can't buy food and starve; can't pay bills and go homeless. Yet, I cannot bring myself to care. I'm absolutely indifferent. I've been spoiled with a safety net my whole life. Can't afford food? Ask mom and dad for cash. Can't afford rent? Move back home.

Well that brings me to where I am now. My parents have decided enough is enough and they will not help me anymore. Honestly, I don't want their help anymore, anyway, seeing as it always came with guilt trips and me being dragged by my parents when I needed something. So, I recently moved outta my parents' and back in with my bf, who I love dearly, to get away from my parents. He has asked that if I live here again, though, that I help with rent, clean the apartment regularly, and not smoke cigarettes at all. All very understandable. But I'm struggling to even do those basic things after having been here for a few weeks. I started strong but I'm wilting quickly.

The same feeling applies to my new job as well. I have work in less than an hour, and I'm fighting with myself to get up and get ready or just call in like I did yesterday. To my defense though, I work with food and honestly have strep or something wrong with my throat. Can't see a doctor, though, because I don't have insurance or money. And I severely need the tips from work as my paycheck was a measly $27 last time and I don't get paid for another 2 weeks. My parents are disappointed in me for not being able to work regularly and have told me so, telling me that I've already had more jobs than they have they're whole lives. 

So, ultimately I know I need to get up and go to work bc I don't want to disappoint my bf and ultimately lead to us breaking up; I don't want to feel guilty for taking anymore handouts (which my parents may not be dishing out, but my grandmother just gave me $60 on account I go into work today); and I'm not even eligible for food stamps or other govt assistance rn. I can't go to DBT either because I have no money/insurance and the closest class is 2.5 hrs away. 

So, overall life's fuckin awful and there's no relief in sight. I'm not really living, just constantly trudging through stress, guilt, anger, denial, and the fear of finally, wholly being abandoned. I can't seem to help my own self and everyone else is tired of trying to drag my dead weight around, too. 

I just want someone to support me for the rest of my life and relieve me of my constant financial stress.

Im a lazy piece of shit. I'm so tired.