
CW: venting


I was diagnosed a year ago but the lead up to that was because of how I had destroyed my life over years. Now, even one year later, I've self-destructed again. 

I form intense attachments to all friends, partners, authoritative figures. Anybody who shows me a degree of interest in me, I attach to them. I'm 22 fucking years old and I am looking for a parental figure in everybody. It's not so much being taken care of physically as I'm independent financially, live alone, can take of myself etc but emotionally? Fuck that. It's unfair so so unfair to put that on somebody else yet here I am. 

I split and destroyed all of my friendships and cut everybody off. The usual shit - convincing myself they don't care and cutting them out. Them respecting that decision as some weird convoluted proof that they never cared. 

I'm left with nobody. It's another reason I get so attached to new people. As soon as I get a new friend, after about six months or so, I fucking lose it and get far too attached because I just want somebody close to me to love me unconditionally. 

I was in a relationship with a guy in our friendship group where we all met at my work (retail). All in our early twenties. I had been alone for so long and lost so many people by overly attaching so I kept that under wraps for as long as I could and it was going well. I was going out with them but they were all casual friends which was fine - it was getting me out of the house. 

After the many breakups with this guy and final "we'll be civil but I don't want to go out of my way to talk to you", I missed having someone around just to talk to - to have a connection with. Just having a close friend! So I started messaging the GC with stuff other than just memes like random stuff I found on a walk or whatever and it massively backfired on my ass. They didn't care cause why would they? They come out with me to get drunk. That's it. 

It hurt when they didn't make my birthday. I got ridiculously drunk and ended up upsetting a few of them. I then just left the fucking groupchat and am embarrassed that they saw me that way. 

I don't know what to do. I can't keep living this way. I can find new friends but this pattern never ends - they either don't want to be close and freak out when I do, or I overshare or overwhelm them and they never want to see me again.