All my life, when little things don’t go my way, even the smallest of things, my brain makes me want to take my reaction to the extreme. It’s like part of me knows it’s not that big of a deal but the other half is so angry and it always overrides my calm side of thinking. For instance, I was making breakfast for my boyfriend and I, and halfway through, he decides to take a shower and shave which takes a long time. The food was ready and when I called him, he was still in the shower and it annoyed me so much that his food was going cold, even though he assured me that it’s fine. When I say it angered me, I locked myself in another room to eat and wouldn’t talk to him. I called him stupid and made him feel like shit. I calm down eventually and apologise but it just keeps happening again and again. 

I’m struggling with my self image as well at the moment and I can’t stand the way I look. I wouldn’t let him touch me this morning when I was getting ready; crying as I did my makeup because I hated the way I looked. He kept trying to hug me and I was rejecting him every time, like part of me wants to accept his love and comfort but the other half completely hates him in this moment for no reason. It’s like a constant fight between doing what I should and this anger building up inside and taking over. 

I’m really horrible to my boyfriend, I tell him to leave me and criticise him in every way even though I don’t want to and I wish I could stop but I can’t. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me …