I’m Sal, 16 years old. I was dumped about 4 months ago. Being this was my first relationship and we were together for just over a year, I attempted suicide and failed. I was sent to the psych ward where the staff there mistreated me because i’m currently overcoming heroin, percocet, and vicodin addictions. I’d had it on the form because i genuinely wanted to fix my life and get better. Instead, the nurses never gave me any of the numerous meds i was prescribed and treated me like shit. Later on in my stay I was violated by my roommate the 3 nights leading up to my discharge from the ward. When i got out, I immediately reached out to my ex trying to fix things. And they were fixed for about a month or two. Then back to square one because i was “too ignorant to admit i was wrong”. Which i did, multiple times. The reason we initially broke up was because I got drunk and said some shit to someone without intention, and didn’t get anywhere. I realized the next day what happened and immediately knew how bad I fucked up and tried everything to fix it. Anyways after we’d broken up the second time I was in a horrible spot mentally. I couldn’t move on no matter how hard I tried. Even with the same exact person that i would’ve died for slandering me toall the people i once called my friends. Fast forward a few weeks, i can’t stop cutting myself and my usage got so bad that i literally overdosed from a speedball in school. So consequentially i am going to a shitty alternative school while everyone at my old school knows me now as nothing more than a junkie. i’ve been kicked out of both my parents houses multiple times and am currently living with my mother who i do not agree with on a lot of matters because, my relationship with my father (who’s supposed to be the good one) isn’t that great right now either. I’m reaching out on here because i genuinely have no friends, i lost them all on my descent from sanity. It’s like the only way to escape from this immeasurable amount of pain is to get as fucked up as possible and it’s miserable. I’ve tried to move on and rebound but it’s like no matter what I can’t find anyone who gives me the spark. There’s nobody that i feel like i can talk to for hours, talk to about anything, nobody i can really even trust. it’s like no matter what i do i keep thinking things are never going to be that good again without that toxic codependent relationship i miss so much. i’m not going to dive into it, but i did endure a great amount of manipulation, verbal, and mental abuse throughout that time. Mostly after the first breakup (a revenge plot??). Some days I walk to the creek we always used to smoke at, light up a bowl with a gun in my pants and wonder what’s really stopping me from doing it. i think what it might be is the hope that i might get it all back, that i might get my perfect life all back. I mean hey, did it once. Or maybe it’s that I want to prove to him he doesn’t have this much control over me. Maybe it’s the fact that i love getting high too much to never get high again. Or maybe i’m just a pussy. I genuinely seek guidance. I don’t want to kill myself, I haven’t even graduated. But I feel myself creeping closer and closer every moment of my life. Frankly, i don’t think the line runs too much longer.