I've let everyone down. I've let myself down, I keep letting friends and coworkers down and most of all I let my family down. 

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Since 2015 my mental health has been abysmal. Panic attacks that can last all day, bouts of depression. I remember spending two weeks mostly in bed at Uni and I thought it was bad at that point, but since then I've spent many, many weeks in bed hiding away from the world. I'm not even sure why I do it, I'm just tired of everything and I don't care anymore. I'm a young 25 year old guy, I should be out in the world being brave and creating a big career for myself but I can't hold anything together.

&amp;#x200B;

I can't focus on anything, I've been fortunate enough to have a really good job.. in fact if you'd have asked a few years ago I would have described it as my dream job. I got to be creative and was paid well for it to work for a big company in a big city. But I lose interest in things so quickly, the job became dull even though it was a fantastic company to work for and I would spend weeks at home in bed without contacting them. They gave me so many chances and it embarrasses me when I see people post online about their own negative experiences with mental health discrimination in the workplace.

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I feel awful because I know I should have appreciated it and enjoy it, but I can't get my mind around how people can do the same thing for so many years.  

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I never finish anything. It translates into everything I do. I fall in love quickly in relationships but I get bored and find myself self sabotaging it. Even in my hobbies I start new projects constantly and never finish them. The thought of actually sitting down and doing something for a whole day now fills me with complete fear, it would be impossible. I have no interest in doing the same thing, in having a job. No matter how hard I motivate myself I can't do it. And there's no way I'd have enough control to work freelance. 

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Funny thing is I got straight A's and A\*'s in GCSE and A Level, I also got a 1st at Uni but as silly as it sounds I still feel incredibly lazy. I have no pride in my achievements because I don't think I've ever had to work hard to achieve anything. If I really want to excel at something I think I can really put my mind to it for a short time when I'm well, but I'm not sure I can even do that anymore. 

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I'm just a weak, broken man, and I hide it from all of my friends. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not fit for this life. Part of me thinks if I was alive ten thousand years ago and my primary concern was just living I might be ok. But I can't live like this anymore, I can't do a 9 till 5. I can't keep a relationship. I hurt everyone I come into contact with, I'm just a shitty person. 

&amp;#x200B;

Even this rant just feels like arrogant self pity. I think I'm posting it more as way to laugh at myself and how fucked up my life is - and to perhaps make others feel better. 

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One of my favourite things for me to laugh at is a conversation I had with a best friend a few months into my struggles with mental health many, many years ago. She'd been living with a depression for a couple of years at school and I'd never noticed, but she said it had gone away completely after a few months of medication and she didn't even take that anymore. I thought I was going through a blip and I'd be fine in a few months. I feel so sorry for that little boy back then, and how little he knew what was coming. 

&amp;#x200B;

Maybe I'll get out of bed and make a sandwich now.