Some friends I know are aware that I have BPD, most don't. Those that do know I've known for more than 5 years. They accept me and love me as I am and have been great supports and encouragers of which I greatly appreciate.  


However, they do not have BPD, nor do they have a great understanding and appreciation of the illness. Who does other than people who have it themselves?  


I wrote the following to express what I experience. Mostly for my own sake. I found this BPD community on Reddit and thought that sharing what I have written may bring me some kind of support. As amazing as my friends are, they don't have BPD so cannot appreciate what I experience, nor would I want them to. I hope that by sharing the below his community, myself and you, the reader may find some support and encouragement by realising that you are not the only one who experiences the below.  


Constant fear that I’m doing the wrong thing. Never really knowing what the right thing to do is. Multiple streams of thought going on at the same time, all about different things, but all negative in regards to what I am doing, who I am, what others think of me.

Knowing that I need help but not sure what with nor who to ask in regards to getting said help.

Not knowing who to trust with what. 

Wanting to develop meaning relationships and friendships but fearing that doing so will lead to disappointment, pain, humiliation, rejection, abandonment.

Knowing that lots of people care for me but not being able to value myself.

Persistant grumpy moods.

Not being able to experience joy.

Constantly thinking that everyone is somehow going to harm me in some way if given the chance.

Not knowing what feelings, thoughts, behaviours are appropriate for any given situation.

Constant feelings, thoughts, beliefs that I am somehow wrong.

Not being able to feel excitement, enthusiasm or look forward to anything.

Being told that I’m intelligent and feeling that I should be doing something impressive with the intelligence that I’m told I have but not knowing what that impressive thing is.

Being intensely aware of all the horrors in the world yet having no ability to resolve any of them.

Thoughts about the past present and future all at once. 

Not being able to appreciate the simple things in life. 

Wanting everything to just disappear but it doesn’t.

Wanting everything to be ok but not knowing what ok is.

Having songs play through my mind that I have trouble not having play through my mind

Wanting an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex but being extremely insecure about having such a relationship. 

Being jealous of others and their lives.

Not being able to sleep peacefully

Wanting to isolate myself from others. 

Knowing that I should take care of myself but not having the willingness or energy to do so.

Wanting others to take care of me instead, then thinking I’m a user, a burden to others, a parasite, sponge.

Having such a negative view of myself and not being able to change that view.

Believing that I have nothing to offer anybody or the world anything of value.

Believing that my death would be of no concern to anybody but in fact that it would be better for others that I did die.

Believing that my life has no meaning, no purpose, no value.

Believing that others really don’t care about me.

Believing that there simply is no point to living.

Having no sense of hope.

Wanting to just give up and pass away into something peaceful that doesn’t exist.