Are the words he said to me. 

Disassociated and in a fit of rage the only words I could muster had been “oh”. 

Because he was right. 

I pride myself on being self aware yet I had not realised for days on end that all these calls had been leading to nothing but a spiral of my own thoughts, having been heard by a man who had no idea of what he had gotten himself into. 

And I don’t blame him anymore, because I thought I was better too. 

But yet we sat there on our different ends, as the tension in my voice dropped and my thoughts turned to white noise. 

Too good to last, I thought.

“How dare he” are the words that vibrated through every inch of my body. So full of hate, so full of anger, so full of rage, I continued to try and explain myself.

Because he was right. 

In my explanations I kept tearing open holes into my own traumas as I made attempt to make my behaviour seem valid, a coping mechanism learned after one abusive relationship to the next. I am valid and these thoughts are valid, but that conversation was not. 

Spiralling indeed.

To the man who left me not that many days later, I do not blame you. 

If I could leave, I would too. 

