i’m freaking the fuck out and nothing even happened. my boyfriend didn’t answer two of my phone calls over a couple hours late last night and when he finally got back to me it launched me directly into a full meltdown. i feel abandoned. i feel like he’s tricking me. i feel like he hates me. i feel like i hate him. i feel like i want to hurt both of us. i feel DEEPLY betrayed over nothing. i hate myself. and he didn’t even do anything and I KNOW THAT. he had a super long day yesterday between classes/work and it’s reasonable that he didn’t pick up but my brain is telling me it’s NOT and i should freak the fuck out and hate him. we were on the phone until 6 am and i feel like i can’t communicate my feelings at all. i resorted to cutting and beating my leg and then forcing myself to sleep in a rage. now i’m about to cry at work. i feel like i’m trapped in self-created emotional torture and i don’t want to be alive right now

i said a lot of really rude accusatory things that i already regret but i’m still steeping in these feelings and i can’t let go of the anger

excuse any typos i’m just trying to get this all out