i don't know about anyone else, but being eerily self-aware of your own disordered thoughts and behaviors but *still* not being able to properly use your dbt skills to help a situation are some of the most painful and confusing experiences to go through.

this week, i ended up completely raging on my best friend. she and her fiancé both have covid, and their fourteen day quarantine ends the literal day before the two of them have a planned couples vacation out of state. at first, i perceived this as abandonment, but was able to self-regulate using dbt skills and sit with the uncomfortable emotions without impulsively engaging in self-destructive behaviors. it was a small win, until it wasn’t.

yesterday, something agonizing happened in my household and i was unable to contact my therapist for phone coaching. so i texted my best friend asking if she could call me, knowing full well that she was at the tail end of covid and would be fatigued still. she didn’t text me back for about an hour, so i raged on her and completely lost my temper.

i accused her of abandoning me, yelled at her that she is never there for me, i feel like i’m never enough for her, that after seventeen years of friendship and growing up with her, she chooses a man over me. i told her to leave me alone, silenced all notifications for her, and then i impulsively engaged in some unhealthy behaviors to self-regulate. i knew it was wrong of me to behave as i did, and throughout the entire ordeal i kept thinking *stop stop stop this isn't healthy* but it was like i was in autopilot, or the tunnel vision was like *say it all go go go one purpose let her know how awful this makes you feel*.

at first, i tried so hard to use my radical acceptance skills, i took a step back to allow myself to cool off for that hour, etc. but it still ended up not totally working, which was frustrating naturally. this doesn't *always* happen personally, but when dbt fails and i have a moment where i can't seem to cope well, it's disheartening, you know?