I thought I had finally found peace, the loneliness, the insecurities, the lack of self worth... When I started my meds they went away completely, fuck I was happy. So long story short, I've been abusing them. And don't get me wrong, the still do wonders, but the comedowns get harder by the day. So basically all the bullshit I thought was gone, came back, stronger and harder. I'm trapped in a circle, do meds, feel great, crash, feel like shit, do more...until I can't do more, then I come down and I have to face all the bullshit face to face. It's unbearable, it's worse than it has ever been.  If god exist he's an absolute piece of incredibly shitty shit. How can people say life is a gift? How can people bring people into this world knowing they have conditions that will make them suffer? I can't stand this anymore I'm tired and I feel betrayed. I had the illusion of peace and wellbeing, but the ilusion has broken. Holy shit I'm doomed. There's no getting out of my own hell, misery is inherent to me. My whole fucking life chasing things as simple as friends, love, hobbies and when I get what I want, what I thought would give me my so desired happines, my brain finds a way of making me feel the opposite, even when knowing that everything is fine, he always fucks my day up. How can I be happy? I did everything I was told would make me feel better, but no, obviously no. I hate my life with a burning passion, I am my own villain, always finding ways to ruin my own fucking plans. Why do I crave love, and at the same I'm loved? I got the best grades I've ever had? Why don't I feel acomplished? I have healthy hobbies, Why don't they make me feel good? I try to listen to happy music all the time, sport, showering with hot water when sad, self reflection, fucking meditation. None of that fucking works. Only meds, just meds. I mean fuck, tomorrow I have quiet a promising day tomorrow and I'm not even excited. Why, just why does it have to be like this? I HAVE EVERYTHING, AND I MEAN EVERYTHING, I HAVE EVER DESIRED, and yet I feel just like when I didn't have it. I wish I could blissfuly live a lie, like so many people I know do, I wish I could fool myself into happines, it has worked before, but it doesn't take long to go back to misery. 

I guess it was a good run, it was fun while it lasted, now it's time to go back with my beloved old friends like loneliness and lack of self worth
I don't know if I suffer from seasonal depression or any of the kind, but everyday I'm more sure of it