Background: I’m a mother of 2. my first is 2.5(autistic/hates his baby brother) baby brother is 10 months. I stay at home with them and we can’t afford stuff like daycare or a full time babysitter. I have been quiet borderline since what feels like forever, probably preteen is when i started feeling this way. I wouldn’t say I’ve thrived but i’ve gotten by. I’ve never had a strong will to live, life is very painful but I’ve utilized distractions before i ever even learned about them from dbt and it’s been my main way of getting through life. 

The past 10 months have been fucking terrible to say the least. I have not handled the stress of having a second baby well at all. I feel like a completely different person. I am so angry, and I lash out constantly. my partner is a saint and i feel so terrible about how i’ve treated him. I’ve started to feel a little more under control lately since restarting therapy but what i’m dealing with now i think is the realization of everything i’ve done mixed with the normal terrible everyday roller coaster of emotions, and also i think a new feeling of abandonment. I was waking up everyday in a full blown panic sobbing when my partner would wake me up for the day. I can barely take care of myself and I have just been auto piloting with having to take care of them. we can’t get any fmla help since we aren’t married and he comes home when he can but he really just isn’t able to/we can’t jeopardize his job. My best friend is the only other support i have. She comes over a lot and the distraction from her being here can usually turn my day around. 

Today is a day where I feel nothing but pain. I cant really put into words what I’m feeling but ive been crying so much and it basically just hurts to be alive(not suicidal just feeling really really terrible) my partner came home for an hour to try and help but I just can’t shake it. I have zero energy and everything feels so fucking hard to even think about having to do. Before dbt i was definitely in a viscous cycle of wanting to leave because i’m not capable of being a parent/ wanting to leave so i don’t hurt them &amp; end up making them suffer like i do. my only option felt like suicide because i don’t have anywhere to go and i can’t support myself. I’m not feeling that way so much anymore but I am feeling really lonely and abandoned in the sense that I am fucking going through it and like no one cares. of course my partner does but his job definitely doesn’t. their response before has been “what your wife can’t handle it”

Is anyone else in this situation? what are you doing/ how are you handling it? i feel optimistic about being a good parent and not feeling like im autopiloting but rn thinking ahead that far feels impossible because i can barely make it to lunch time on my own everyday.