After speaking with a therapist and people with bpd I found out that my ex partner showed many signs of bpd.  This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.  I am not angry at my ex partner but my heart is broken.  I don't cry as much as I did before but sometimes I still do and wish she was still here next to me being the loving partner she always was.

I have always struggled with dating and I think I am doing all of the right things.  I love everything about myself and the life I have.  Everything was always great but dating was always hard.  I met her the way I always wanted to meet someone.  When we met her facial expression told me she was very interested.  I never saw this from a woman.  My heart told me I met someone very special.  We fell in love instantly and began spending almost everyday together.  She told me her heart felt the same thing and said we were soulmates.  Her actions more than words she frequently spoke said she loved me and cared about my heart.  She loved me for who I was and loved all of the things I loved about myself.  She thought I was joking when I told her I struggled with dating and I told her all of it was worth it just to meet her.  She was more beautiful than I could ever imagine a woman to be.

We celebrated a special occasion with her family and I spent time with her and her mom at their home.  The days we spent here were the best days I ever lived.  This was the happiest I ever felt in my life.  She made it clear to her mom in front of both of us that she was in love with me.

We had plans for a trip for just us two and she was very excited in the days leading up to it.  On the day of the trip she told me she was not going and ended our relationship.  It was very shocking and unexpected.  She said her heart was not into it early in our relationship.  Everything she did and said during our relationship contradicts this.  When I  gave examples of how it did she dismissed everything I said.  She told it really bothered her that I would treat her right.  None of it made sense.  Her mom contacted me and offered support.  She said she never saw her this serious about anyone and that she was also shocked and felt bad for me.  After talking with her I realized something may have been wrong.  She had stories similar to mine.  The mood swings, emotional outbursts, and expressions of self doubt that I saw started to make more sense.  Her  frequent warnings me that she was afraid her emotions would affect our relationship made more sense.  I do not have a lot of dating experience and I thought she was just overly emotional.  I was always patient and helped her calm down.  This is when I talked to a therapist and learned about bpd.  It was the first time I heard about it.  I now understood why she told me more than once she was afraid of losing me.

I asked her very nicely if she could talk to me calmly when she is ready but she never did.  She contacted me once months after she ended our relationship only to say that she would never contact me again and that we are not meant to be together.  bpd or not, how can someone do this to someone?  I never did anything bad to her.  Her mom told me she knew I was a good partner because she said her daughter never stopped talking about how great I was.  I had so many questions.  Why did she tell me we were soulmates?  Why did she tell me she wanted to start a family with me?  Why did she tell me I was perfect or that she loved me?  Why did she let me meet her family?  Why did she do so many things that said she really cared about me?  Why did she not allow me the chance to ask these questions?  I was always there for her when she was upset about anything.  I was secure in our relationship and I never thought she would hurt me at all.

I really thought she was telling me the truth.  My heart told me I was with my soulmate and she said the same thing.  I never would have given her a chance if I knew other things about her before meeting here (unemployed in late 20s, never held down a real job, dependent on parents for everything) but the love she showed me told me it was okay to look past that.  I don't like my career anymore because she said it bothers her that I cannot drop everything and leave like she could.  There are things I cannot do or look at anymore.  I wish so much that she could just speak to me in a calm way and tell me what she felt and listen to me.  I don't think what she did to me was fair and my life seems meaningless now.  I wish I knew about bpd when we were together because I could have saw the signs and tried to help.  I am truly hurt and traumatized but I still love her.