I'm kinda destined to lose at life. I will start by saying that I have 22 years and I live in Romania. I was born a sensitive guy, like my mom. Actually I inherited a lot of her bad traits, either I'm predisposed to get them, either I learned them by spending time with her. The majors are: anxiety, neuroticism, tics, slow processing speed, irrational thoughts. I don't know how, but I started having social anxiety from the first grade. Also started being bullied, which continued until the mid of the first year of university. It happened not only at school, but also at home, by my sister. It was verbal and physical bullying( but the verbal outweights the physical). So I had 13 years of bullying. I had a video game addiction until 11 grade and I play even now from time to time( not because I want but because it's an escape). I haven't socialized a lot in my life, so I have a little problems socializing, and what I mean by that is that my filtre is too high, unauthentic, too nice, approval seeking, don't look people in the eye, difficulties with ending conversations, low self esteem. I was a bad student all my life. In the first 11 grades I spent very little time studying. Now in the third grade I spend a lot of time to study but it's still not enough because I am in med school. I am very behind and don't know much medicine. From the first year of medicine( which was nursing, but now I am in the third year of general medicine) I started gradually working on my self esteem, social anxiety and confidence. I started reading some books, watching videos, talking to strangers, going to activities and sometimes pick up. I didn't improved much. My social anxiety is at least reduced by half, my overall confidence is only 25% better and my self esteem is still crap. Also, in the first year I had no close friends and now I have around 7 but it's still not enough. I had only a girlfriend in the second year and broke up after 4 months because I wasn't thst much into her. I would like to have another girlfriend my there are some walls in front of me: 1. Low confidence and self esteem. 2. Very irrational thoughts like: ,,I will be judged if I ask a girl out. The second problem haunts me the most in the last period. It's a monster. A disease. And by saying that, you probably imagine that I tried solving it but failed. I feel in the same place that I was 3 years ago, my life is not much better, only 20%. I have to admit, I took a lot of action but not enough, because the monster I described stoped me a lot In the last month I started having depressive days because the holidays are coming and I feel very alone and because I feel stuck in life and hopeless. Those days I stay at home, eat junk food, play games and watch porn videos. I fail at everything because of my low processing speed. I went to counseling at two different psychologists but didn't helped me. I change very slow and that's frustrating. I'm tired of trying to change because I did that in the last years without much succes. Please don't congratulate me because I am in medical school because it pisses me off. I feel like most people think that being a doctor is the most important job in the universe and that's not the case at all. I can't work out because of my back problems.
I am tired of everything. Can somebody help me?