One of my biggest fears is that I'm venting too much to my friends. This fear plagues every interaction I have, and it's so persistent that it makes me just want to isolate during depressive episodes because I would rather sit with a shitstorm of emotions and stay in bed than run the risk of possibly being too much for someone.

One of my friends just told me that I was venting too much and that it was getting exhausting, and I can't stop going back between spiraling and dissociating. I've tried so hard to dial back how much I vent to friends over the years, and to have one of my biggest fears confirmed yet again makes me feel like all this work I've put in is for nothing. I logically know that's not true and progress isn't linear, yada yada yada. But my strong emotions don't care. They'll rip me up anyway. They'll still launch me into a depressive episode tomorrow.

I feel stupid for spiraling as much as I am because my friend didn't even tell me this in a mean way. He did a healthy thing and set a boundary; I just can't handle it because my skins is so fucking thin that even the slightest criticism is enough to ruin an entire week for me. I was able to fight off any urges to lash out, but now I'm pulling myself away from the friend because I worry that I'm incapable of carrying a healthy, normal conversation with...anyone. Now I'm thinking about every conversation I've had with other friends in the past few weeks, wondering if I was too much for those friends, too. 

I feel like I'm sometimes incapable of having a conversation with someone that isn't draining or negative. I hate having this disorder. I just needed somewhere to word vomit to people who would understand. Solidarity and/or encouraging words welcome.