This is probably about to be a bit of a messy post so my apologies in advance. Generally talking about social media and identity. (not a fully connected post in terms of topics just general two topics i wanted to talk about...somewhat connected but not really...if that makes sense?) CW: Self Harm mention just to be safe,

I deleted my Tumblr account a month ago, but i keep on thinking myself into getting back onto it. I end up deleting the account right after remaking over regretting remaking my account, because i know it'll only make my bpd worse. I've done this about three times now, and I'm sure it's really fucking annoying to get followed, and then that person (me) deletes the account within a span of a hour multiple times. Not in one day mind you. It's been a few times this past month that I've done this. It makes me feel like shit in multiple ways (IE I'm bothering this person, and I'm a bad person for doing this, this person hates me and doesn't care about me, overvaluing a relationship that's on the internet with a stranger whose content i liked, etc) when i end up doing this, and i would like to stop.

I know I'm probably overthinking this, and that whenever i get the feeling to go back on the site i should try to ignore it to the best of my ability. Maybe i should understand that being active on a social media site from 14 to 21, and becoming inactive on it due to a recent realization of certain things (worsens my bpd a whole lot, and some stuff I'm gonna mention below) is gonna be a little difficult since it's a habit I'm used to. Perhaps that habit is bad, and was always a bad habit of mine that I'm trying to use it as a form of \*\*\*\*\*\*\* myself.

Only came to realizing i should delete my Tumblr account after going through the whole overvaluing a person i barely know and doing my old split and ghost on him then feel like absolute shit business. Which i think was further fueled with me questioning my identity at the time, (combating internalized biphobia and transphobia) and not forcing myself to be a butch lesbian anymore when i don't feel like a butch lesbian, or a lesbian at all when being a lesbian and the lesbian community did mean a lot to me for period of my life. Not being able to accept being a trans man because of me living with my transphobic family, and feeling like my gender is very "clay" like and depends on my partner similar to my personality and interests (genderfluid agender transmasculine? is how i could best describe my gender even though at time being i feel like a man, he/him pronouns). Overall just feeling it and needing to let this out somewhere and i found this subreddit to be the best place to vent about it 🤪.

PS, sorry if my grammar is bad it's something I'm personally really trying to work on after mainly posting badly written posts that i ended up deleting within a few minutes on a platform I'm trying not to care about anymore. Extremely new to Reddit so I'm sorry if i fucked up somehow.