 Hey everyone, I'd like some advice about something which has been effecting me for 7 years now. Since I was 16 I've suffered from anxiety about myself, the world around me and they way others perceive me. In that time I dropped out of school because I couldn't handle the pressure, found a new one and did okay and went to university coming out with a decent grade overall.

Something that has been consistent throughout is anxiety about people looking down on me, I always think that people will see how I look and assume I'm strange or disgusting. I've been overweight for a long time, food was a coping mechanism for me since I was 13 or 14. When I was getting bullied at school I'd always remember that I could look forward to a pizza on a Friday but that quickly grew to weekend long binges and then eventually constant snacking which lead me to becoming obese. My habits are better now but only so much that I'm no longer gaining weight, I'm a little over 200 lbs and am about 5ft 7 tall so I'm a pretty round guy.

As a result I think people probably look at me and think I'm a disgusting, loser, neckbearded, socially awkward freak. I know I have no idea if this is true or not but I've assumed it for so long its become a fact in my head, that is how people look at me.

The reason this hurts me so much is because in some ways I think it's probably true. My anxiety has made me a shut in, I can't make small talk and find it incredibly hard to talk to strangers, I don't have a full time job because I'm too scared of competing for one, I see myself as misunderstood but the reality is people probably understand me better than I do and and see me for the horrible human being I am.

I know what the obvious solution is: work hard, lose the weight and your own self image will improve but trying to be better just makes me feel pathetic. There's a voice in my head saying "you'll never be any more than you are. Trying to get better is worthless. You're making a fool of yourself by even trying because you're just going to ruin it all again and you'll be back where you started, where you belong. Alone."

I'm really at the edge here to be honest. I don't know what I should do about it but my quality of life sucks because of these feelings. I've become totally alone and feel like maybe that's what I deserve after all its all my fault.

Thank you for reading.