My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago because we kept fighting. At the time I wasn't aware I had BPD, but I knew I had anxiety and bipolar. Even when he'd do nothing wrong I found myself snapping at him over little things or just being annoyed by him and once the feeling subsided I'd feel horrible and beg for his forgiveness. He was the love of my life and I never wanted to lose him, but I did because he couldn't take it anymore.

We've been trying to be friends, he says we could get back together if things were fun again, if I were still the girl he fell for, if I could show him I've changed, but I keep fucking the friendship thing up. Little things make me jealous, make me bitter and I lash out at him. I want things to be the way they used to, I want my best friend back, but he wants to start all the way from square one almost like were strangers and work out way up to being best friends then lovers, but I can't do that. I don't know how to do that? How do we get close when we are LDR and everything I reach out to do with him .. talk on the phone, watch Netflix, play a game, he rejects and says he just wants to be alone? Every couple of weeks all the rejection makes me mad. I mean he reaches out to me almost daily to have little IM chit chats and see how I am, but its not enough. I miss him. He was sooo inlove with me too. Why doesn't he miss me as much? All these fights I know keep pushing him further and further away but when the feelings build up I can't help but lashout and in the moment I don't care. When the feeling subsides I'm overcome with shame, I can't stop apologizing and explaining myself, but it all falls on deaf ears by now. My apologies mean nothing when I can't change for the long term. Yet he still gives me chances but I know the chances of him being my love again at this point are next to nothing. How can I erase all this pain and discomfort I've caused him? I feel like I need to give up, I'm trying to leave him alone. 

He was my everything and without him I have nothing. I have a handful of friends but the type I only talk to like once a month because it's nearly impossible to get them to reply to messages on a regular basis, everyone is soooo busy with their great lives, their awesome relationships. We don't talk on the phone, we rarely see each other. I'm constantly socializing with text/computers and I hate it. 

I could make new friends, but that's never been easy for me. I've never been a person who attractions people for whatever reason so when I do it bums me out when they leave, yet eventually all of them always do. Now I'm alone, I have no one or nothing.

This life sucks. :(

Ah well, anyone out there wanna be my new "computer" buddy?