I'm better but somehow worse because I still have suicidal ideations but I don't see myself actually really doing it I guess?  Like I am having a particularly bad time right this moment and I'm imagining worst case scenario like I could live in my car.  Used to I would go straight to suicide.  The suicide was way more comforting.  I think about suicide a lot but when it comes to choosing it as a solution for my problems, the resolution just isn't there anymore.  And I don't like that.  I liked knowing that I could just end it all.  Thinking that I wouldn't do it makes my anxiety worse.  What the fuck