Went out with my family today, pretty sure it was a good time for everyone. I just can’t help but feel sort of bad. I feel like I can’t be content enough whenever we’re doing something. It doesn’t matter how special the occasion, it all seems bland to me, hard to feel. Don’t get me wrong, it’s much better than it used to be in this department.


I’ve even been managing to study a couple of hours everyday for a few days now, I’m studying human anatomy, which I am supposed to know already, but never did actually learn. Currently only learning about skull bones, but will progress further. I can actually remember things this time around, so I’m hopeful it’ll be different from now on. It makes me feel closer to my old self, learning anatomy. I can confidently say I enjoy studying, even though I’m far from being as productive as a medical student should be yet.


Despite that, I can still feel something missing. I want to feel something I can’t feel yet. When I think about this, I always imagine someone gasping for air and finding none to represent what it feels like.


I spoke to my psychiatrist about maybe being depressed for the holidays, and he told me what I’m experiencing is likely part of the infamous negative symptoms, which no antidepressant will help. He also said I fit the criteria for schizophrenia better “if we rigorously analyze your case”, which I’m guessing is his way of saying I won’t be getting antidepressants anymore. I wonder what even are the differences between schizophrenia and schizoaffective other than mood symptoms, as he always seems to imply they’re more deeply distinct than that. Anyways, I’ve given up on chasing labels at this point, honestly. I just wish a magical fix for all my mental troubles was readily available in the nearest drugstore. I wish things were like they used to be.


As always, sorry for the rant. Hope everyone is doing fine.