This time of the year is what I dread the most, it’s a never-ending reminder of the tragedies my family had to endure in the last few years.

Thing is, people may assume that I’m stone-hearted for not talking about the deaths in my family and for acting strong all the time.

They probably think I’m rude, smug, stubborn—perhaps—ungrateful, but in reality...

... I’m just numb.

Numbness allows you to smile effortlessly when someone asks if you’re okay but the truth is you literally feel like dying inside.

Numbness is the best way to describe the ability to shake off random memories about your nephew cheerfully eating ice cream and hugging you as he sleep—like switching channels on the TV. 

Numbness is what gives you the false sense of strength to stop your heart from aching from regret when you suddenly remember your brother’s unanswered call just a few minutes before he took his own life.

Numbness gives you the power to stop reminiscing whenever you miss the taste of your grandmother’s cooking, her comforting voice, and hearty laugh whenever you playfully bite her arm.

Numbness is what helps you turn a blind eye towards all the hurtful words from thousands of misinformed people on the internet who accused you of hiding your nephew away from his mom.

Numbness steps in when flashbacks of years of bullying haunt you and makes you imagine firing a bullet through those people’s skulls—but on the outside, you’re just smiling and drinking with your friends as if a violent thought inside your head didn’t even take place.

Being numb isn’t healthy, all it gives you is a false sense of strength that dries up your soul to the point that you cannot even shed a tear anymore.

Numbness changes you because all the pain you’ve been enduring just keep piling up...

... it alters you to the point that you won’t even recognise yourself and makes you do things to your loved ones that you will eventually regret.

All those pent up emotions like anger, frustration, remorse, etc. behind your fake smile will soon evolve into a ticking timebomb that will transform you into someone or ‘something’ you don’t want to be.

So don’t pretend that you’re okay, don’t let life’s pains turn you into a miserable person.

Grieve.
Cry. 
Get angry.
Laugh.
Say what’s on your mind.
Laugh some more.

And most importantly...

... LIVE and relive those pleasant memories.

Because that’s what your loved ones who passed away would want you to do.