(vent to get it all out). I eat. Im 5ft 5in, 270lbs. I have a naturally big frame too. Everytime I'm upset, bored or even happy I eat. I'm not sure when it started, but I can remember even doing it when I was very little. It seems my depression started at very young age(probably 6 or 7). I was ignored a lot by family and everyone, my sister was the "golden child" who needed all the attention. I couldn't have anything of my own, without my sister out doing me. I've got no talent or hobbies, she'd make anything I do about her. It hurt that she had natural talent at everything too and I struggled. It hurt no one paid attention to me. There's like a hole I'm trying to fill and I can't. 

(Tw:miscarriage) 
I want a family of my own. I can't afford one. I can't find anyone to love me. I attract partners who want me to take care of them like a child. They have no jobs or are poor too. I'm almost 30. My time is running out. I want kids. I had lost one baby in 2020(birth control and condoms were used). I was looking at adoption for my baby, because I knew I couldn't afford to care for it. That destroyed me, and I ended up  miscarring. I feel like I was robbed. A sick joke the world was playing. I wanted it so bad, but I knew I couldn't keep it. Then losing it...... Doctor said if I had another I'd have to be on bed rest the whole time. What man would want to take care of me? I want to be a mom so bad, but I don't think it'll ever happen. I'm not pretty, low paying job, medical problems, live with my disabled mom. Yeah, no man thats decent will want to take care of me and have a family with me. 

I'm poor. I'm in the grey area. Make too much for government help, but too little to survive on my own. If I quit my my job and picked up 2 or 3 part time jobs, I'd probably make it. I need health insurance though. I have bad anxiety and other medical issues (heriated disc, carpal tunnel, bad foot). I live paycheck to paycheck. So I can't just quit for a new job and, wait for  the new paycheck to hit. By the time a new paycheck hit, I'd be behind on all my bills. Plus my current job takes all day and all my time. I've stayed at this low paying job so long cause I'm scared. Scared of not being good enough, of failure, of being homeless, of getting fire at a new job and not making it. I don't have transportation either, use the public bus(takes forever to get anywhere).