Note- posting this on throw away account

I feel like I’m never going to get better and at this point have been debating suicide  , and that most people would be better off without me. I've been dealing with feeling like this on and off since 8th grade.

I feel like all of my friends would just get over it in a month or two if I were to do it.   My best friend, the one who would care, has her own mental problems and I had to talk her down multiple times from attempting it.  One day I will probably end up losing her, and that thought alone makes me just wanna go.   My boyfriend is one of the main reasons I haven’t.  He would be crushed but I feel so guilty even thinking about  suicide because of him.    I never want to tell him when i'm struggling, or anyone because I think I don’t matter and have a hard time opening up to him .  I feel like I’m gonna ruin the relationship because of it, but I can’t help it.  I hate telling people my problems.

I barely tell anyone about my past either, of having to hide from my dad while he is screaming and yelling at my mother as a kid so he wouldn't do the same to me as he as before,  or how I got bullied my whole elementary school for all the years, and how people still bullied me through middle and high school.    How during the first two years of high school I was being groomed by multiple men online, one even getting me to send him CP. The other main one was from my school who was a senior who I met a month before he graduated.  After always showering me in love, probably just to try to get me to do sexual things with him, he decide yeah im gonna get a girlfriend and cheat on her because of talking to you still. He talked to me for almost a year.   He made me feel like I was everything then nothing at all.   Thank god my mom never let me go see him in person, so no it was physical.     Part of me still feels like I was never abused in any way by my dad or by older men.  I feel like it’s not enough to be counted as trauma even though I will be thinking about it every week, and get pretty upset each time. I realized I can’t really remember the first two years of hs. I hate myself because of the things others have said about me while bullying me.  I don’t believe i'm good in anyway, personality wise or looks.

I don’t have fun anymore doing anything, I end up stopping whatever I'm playing or doing in a short time because I don’t have the motivation to do it.   I basically just play a game or watch something while roleplaying with my best friend when I’m not at work just to past the time.    It feels like I’m getting zero joy anymore,  I get pissed off at everyone for the smallest things at this point.   On the topic of anxiety,  I get  anxious all the time over things I can’t control and it just keeps getting worse because the world is just straight up going to hell as it seems which does end up leading to attacks sometimes.    My emotions feel out of control,  half of the time I'm either numb or feeling everything at once, when I'm mad or that one time when I am happy.     I tend to snap at people a lot because of this, including my boyfriend, and I feel horrible about it, it makes me hate myself even more than I already do.   I feel horrible when I’m unmotivated because my room becomes trashed to the point where you cant see the floor and old food on my desk or shelf is growing mold.   I don’t help around the house(still living with parents).  I don’t wanna do anything I don’t wanna clean or work or even eat and shower.   I don’t even cry that much anymore

When it comes to eating, nothing ever sounds good anymore and I can’t tell if it’s due to my depression or another problem, like my fear of gaining weight.   Like I legit don’t wanna eat because of it and feel guilty when I don’t but I don’t wanna say I have an eating disorder because it doesn’t feel severe  enough and I don’t lose weight yk.

After always feeling this way,  one of the things that pisses me off the most is the fact that the biggest reason I won’t go through with my thoughts isn't because of my will or anyone in my life.  It’s the fact that I'm terrified to die, to the point of it causing anxiety attacks and I feel like that is also one of the main causes of why I'm depressed is knowing the fact I will die and there is a chance of there just being nothing.  It makes life meaningless pain to me.   I know my struggles just fade away, sometimes pretty fast like days of depression vs me actually being happy which makes me feel like its just in my head, I'm not depressed.  I don’t think I even have a right to say it because I'm not diagnosed with anything.   I feel so guilty for feeling about now I do, and I feel even more guilty about making this post so long, I needed to get this out.