I always thought it was me which was causing this. I thought I wasn't good enough, so I tried to score in my school. I worked day and night, hoping when I finally get good grades, I'll be happy. I worked hard, I improved upon my hobbies. I practiced my chess and guitar properly. I hit the gym. All the while thinking once....ONCE i get good grades, and do things right, I'll be happy.


The result: It all feels empty. Hollow. I don't know if I can explain this, but nothing seems real anymore. Everything feels like an elaborate lie. Like i can't put the feeling into words, it needs a new word.


I used to not be able to stay away from guitar for days and idk I just don't wanna play it anymore. It's been just there for more than a week..


I think it wasn't me being an underachiever. It was loneliness. I don't feel like trying anymore. I have this intense feeling of flunking every test, failing every subject and giving everything up.


I only have 2 friends in totality I can count on. I know all the others will just turn their backs the moment I need them. I feel like there is no more point in even trying.


The entire day feels like a static on the tv to me. I will spend an entire hour trying to look for a video to watch while eating, and then settle for anything. I just eat while watching yt and I am not even enjoying the content I am watching.


Or actually I don't enjoy anything lately. Everything seems FUCKED.


It's not that I feel super depressed either. I just kind of feel emotionally numb. Like I don't really feel any extreme emotions. It's just kind of like watching your life unfold in a third person perspective. I don't feel anything.


I thought I had my stuff together. But it was an illusion. I am still on the beginning and definitely haven't gotten any better if not worse.


Like yeah, I act all tough and act like the guy who has everything sorted, but inside it's like a lot of wires just jumbled into a huge mess that no one wants to, and nor has the time to solve and sort out. That's kind of how it feels in the brain.


I just want to stop thinking for a moment. Just 0 thoughts. The world to stop and nothing to happen in the moment. I want peace. The fuking brain won't stop thinking it's always fucking doing something doehekhrjrhrkrjbrjdhrhrj


Sooooo yeah, i give up. No more attempts. It feels oddly peaceful to not try and accept the failure. No more struggle.