Hi, I have recently been introduced to the world of mental disorders; most notably, Borderline Personality Disorder. I am a 19 year old male and have been researching mental disorders for quite some time now (I would go as far as to say its almost an obsession). The reason for this is because I am desperate to find something which can justify the problems I have been facing for the last few years now. 
From the age of around 15, I have been very aware of the fact that my brain may be wired differently from my other 'normal' peers. I was somewhat aware at this age that I may be experiencing depression; this was exacerbated by my binge drinking and increasing use of marijuana. Fast forward 2 years and my symptoms are still predominant- if not much, much worse. I chose to bottle up my emotions for a long, long time as I put it down to me being an attention-seeker. My binge drinking at parties only got worse and, 9 times out of 10, would land me in a lot of bother due to my actions whilst under the influence. I was now beginning to build quite a taste for drinking by myself until I passed out. My use of marijuana increased, not to mention an array of other substances which I was beginning to take. I would like to add that, at this point in time, I believed my behaviour was somewhat normal for someone my age and, although it was worsening my depression, I would tell myself that this was only a part of growing up. 
It was around the age of 17 that I could no longer hide my symptoms from those around me and it became quite clear to members of my close family that something wasn't right. It was around this time that I developed passive suicidal ideations, which I used as a sort of 'comfort blanket' if everything got too much- this is still the case today. As a result of my worsening behaviour my parents made me see a counsellor which proved rather fruitless. I also went to see a CBT specialist around the age of 18, but this only seemed to make my behaviour worse.
Fast forward another year and things have only worsened. My need to drink has become such a problem now that I have built up a reputation for my hedonistic behaviour whilst under the influence of drink or drugs. This has gained me the wrong friends and lost me good friends. It has now got to the point where I rarely socialise with peers now, due to the fact that there is a good chance I will do something stupid and thus lose even more friends. The last few times I have been out drinking, they have ended badly (I ended up being arrested for being drunk and disorderly..my friends called the police). Another reason why I tend to stay at home is because I have been virtually penniless for the best part of a year due to my inability to hold down a job (I went through 3 jobs in the space of 4 months) all from which I was sacked. 
Whatsmore, I was recently kicked out my house by my parents due to my behaviour, which they claimed was the root cause of their marital problems (which I was completely unaware of). I ended up going to live with my biological father for the best part of 2 months in order to give myself some breathing space and to 'turn over a new leaf' I suppose. This was not the case. It was here that things really took a turn for the worse; I was spending any money I had on cigarettes (only because I couldn't get anything else), I managed to find, and build up a tolerance to, my father's stash of tramadol which he needed for a shoulder injury (the recommended daily amount was 4- I was taking 9 a day) and the resultant withdrawal I had was horrible. It was also around this time that I started messing around with psychedelics again (I acquired a taste for 25n-bome around the age of 16), I soon found out that this was a bad idea due to my poor mental health at the time and I believe this only worsened things. 
My stay with my father ended when I was arrested at a party (as aforementioned); I have no idea what happened that night because I blacked out (this happens to me everytime I drink); supposedly I was being verbally abusive and was damaging property. Not only this, but in the police car I decided to inform the police officers that I planned to commit suicide. Now, I do remember this happening, however I cant be too sure whether this was just a cry for help/attention or genuine response to my worsening state of mind. It was around this time that I became convinced that I was developing some sort of psychosis. 
This episode spelled the end of my stay with my father and the return to my normal home. It was here that I was appointed to see a psychiatrist who put me on a prescription for sertraline hydrochloride which I continue to take. For a period of about 2-3 months since beginning my medication, life really seemed to be picking up, I was making new friends, my schoolwork was gaining the highest grades and I had some routine in my life. But over the last few weeks my behaviour has started to take a turn for the worse again, I have been drinking alone again at home or at friends houses. I have recently fallen out with one of my best friends whom I now despise and, on the same day, I drank my through my other friends alcohol cupboard and subsequently spewed all over their house. I’m pretty sure this has lost me the last of my true friends.
To make this a bit easier to comprehend, I will just go through the list of symptoms for BPD:
Fear of abandonment: I have always been a huge attention-seeker, I can’t deal with things when I’m not the focus of attention. I regularly fantasize about people idolizing me. 
Unstable relationships: On/off relationship with parents. I am very good at alienating my friends. Any relationship I have with a girl usually begins with extreme passion, to the point where they are constantly on my mind and I fantasize about being with them, however these always just fizzle out until I end up no longer speaking to them.
Unclear or unstable self-image: In terms of how I dress, my style preference changes on a weekly basis. My emotions only exist in extremes, I either hate the very ground I walk on, or I believe that I am a gift from god and an actual genius. I have even convinced myself before that I am the reincarnation of either John Lennon or Kurt Cobain (lol). I am very unsure as to what my genuine opinions and beliefs are as I liked to steal others opinions but I am unsure whether or not I agree with them. For this reason, I often contradict myself and people have claimed that they find it very hard to ‘define’ me.
Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors: I have been known to take part in risky and impulsive behaviour; this usually happens when I’m inebriated. I have partaken in risky sexual bahviour more than several times and have also driven under the influence of alcohol more than once too. However, I have been known to indulge in impulsive behaviour even when Im not under the influencel; such as the time I was fined by school for damaging school property by ripping out the common room lights and smashing them on the floor-just because I thought it was funny. I am regularly landing myself in trouble due to impulsive behaviour, the only way I can describe this is like an itch that I need to scratch, otherwise it will just be there at the forefront of my brain until I do.
Self-harm: I have never self-harmed. The closest Ive ever come to self-harming is when I was younger I would punch myself in the face if I got into trouble, this was picked up on by my teachers at the time, who thought I was being abused! However, I do conform to the concept of self-destruction, in which I will purposefully indulge in debaucheries just to ruin my body because I hate myself so much. 
Extreme emotional swings: I am someone who can go from intense happiness to being extremely pissed off/depressed over one little thought or an action by someone else. The person who is most accustomed to my mood swings is my mother.
Chronic feelings of emptiness: This one applies to me the most I believe. I’ve mentioned my feelings of emptiness to counsellors in the past. I am extremely susceptible to boredom and am very intolerant of it (this explains my impulsive behaviour and desire to put myself into a different mindset with the help of booze or drugs). This feeling of emptiness can also manifest itself as extreme loneliness in where I believe there is a metaphorical bubble which surrounds me and that no one can penetrate. 
Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality: I never thought this one really applied to me but I suppose it actually does. I have friends that I have just stopped speaking to because I believe they’ve moved on from me and dont want anything to do with me anymore. In fact, this has happened to every single friend I’ve had. I always believe that I am pissing people off. I never relly feel out of touch with reality but I am always looking to escape it, either through substance abuse or sleep or with odd thoughts. 
I’m sorry that this is so long, I dont expect anyone to read up to here, but if you do then thank you so much. This is my first ever post onto Reddit and it would be greatly appreciated if some of you could give me your thoughts on whether this sounds like BPD, or perhaps something else..or maybe I’m just an attention-seeking arsehole???:P
If you have any further questions, please feel free to ask. I hope some people may be able to identify with this. 
