Another miserable day of still overthinking the past. I'm f'ing up and letting it get to me. I just can't stop thinking about it lately, all the old failures and regrets. If it keeps on like this for much longer, I don't like where this is going.

It's coming into conflict with all the superstitious thinking I utilize to keep my head above water. I find faith in the most coincidental things. Whether a hooting owl or a passing butterfly, I'm always looking for signs that the universe is on my side and I shouldn't give up. It's insanity, but it helps, though nothing ever gets better, it stays the same.

I wish talking about it could bring some relief, but it'd only make things worse. I have some really messed up memories dating back to childhood that I never recovered from. The things I've suffered through in my formative years have been far more damaging than anything I've been through in recent years, and somehow still at the forefront of my mind.

It was so long ago, but I've been feeling moderately suicidal over things that happened ten to fifteen years ago. Like, I really would kill myself in my thirties over something that happened when I was seventeen.

Such memory has always been a weakness for me. If I could easily forget the people and things that have added to my depression, I'd have had very little in the way of starting over. But alas, I'm condemned to remember things I'd be better off forgetting.