I am going to try to keep this short and concise, but sometimes I ramble because there is too much going through my head.

My family is incredibly dysfunctional.  My mom is a narcissist, my dad enables her abusive behavior.  My sister's seem totally clueless to the dysfunction, one of them behaving just like my mom and the other the golden child seemingly unaware of the madness.  I won the family role lottery by being the scapegoat.  

I really believe I developed BPD as a result of growing up as the family scapegoat and having an Nmom.  Because of her need to control me and live through me I was never allowed to be myself without punishment, ultimately leaving me completely unsure of who I really am and which version of me is acceptable.  The unstable self-image that goes along with BPD has been one of the most damaging parts of BPD, because I feel like it causes every other trait for me.  I have no idea who I am and when I start to figure it out I don't know if it is acceptable.  I shift from one extreme to the next of who I am supposed to be and now I find myself in my late 20's totally lost and incapable of picking a path through life and ultimately destroying any good path I get on. 

Not knowing who I am leads me to feel like I am living several different lives at once.  I have a version of myself I share with one group of people and a totally different version for the next group.  I go back and forth idolizing certain groups of friends to hating them.  Everything is so unstable.  I do this with my family too.  There is a version of me that wants to be close to my family and I will say and do the things I know will make them be nice to me.  I start to feel like I really want a relationship with them and that they know what is best for me and I begin to allow them to control me.  Then the switch flips and all of the sudden I can't stand them and who they want me to be.  They are incapable of seeing the damage done from growing up in a messed up family, so when I am the version of myself that wants to be close to them I convince myself that they did no wrong and that I was the problem all along and deserved all the shit I have received from them my whole life. I am just one very confused person anymore.



TL;DR BPD is destroying my life and having a dysfunctional family that offers no support is the icing on the cake.  Anyone else have a dysfunctional family and learn how to deal with all of this? I am totally lost in life right now. 