I have already poured my heart out to this sub and if you want to know a backstory you can see the post on my profile from a few months ago. 

He has abused me for a very long time. Cheated and abandoned. Suffocated me with love. Gaslighted and beaten what little self respect I had out of me. He has done every single last thing that a person with bpd dreads, that triggers us, that literally tears our entire world apart and truly makes life not worth living for that time being. I could not leave him, I just couldn’t do it. I know a lot of you get it, it was just not going to happen. The trauma bond and codependency and the need for a new honeymoon phase every day was overwhelmingly in control of every aspect of my being. His too, still is. We could not be apart. But the law stepped in, and I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, either that or he was going to eventually kill me. The physical stuff didn’t start until April and it only kept slowly getting worse. He’s gone now, it’s been 20 days and I’m starting to feel like I can breathe again without him but there are so many things making it impossible for me to leave him alone. I don’t even want to talk to him at all anymore but the thought of abandoning him is too much for me to handle. When you know that pain, it is just gut wrenching to inflict it on someone you love. And that’s exactly what I am. Gut wrenched. Every hour of every day. I’m so alone. He’ll never not be my best friend. That’s not fucking fair. That’s not fair. I don’t want to love him it’s killed me slowly for too long now I can’t do it I just can’t do it anymore. I want to escape the only way I know how. But I’m not going to. So I’m just gonna sit here and let my guts wrench.