I'm 33 and have just kind of given up. If someone would ask me right now where I want to be in 5 years I would jokingly answer "alive" but I'm not sure how true that is anymore. I have zero goals, zero ambition and zero motivation. I don't want to travel, I have never really dated before, don't really want kids, moderately happy with my job but no desire to climb the career path. No real hope I'll ever save enough to actually retire. 

Not sure if I'm actually suicidal because the thought of doing that to my family and a few close friends makes me sick but I'm also not completely sure if I'd try to avoid a runaway bus if it jumped the curb. 

I can't talk about this to anybody. I don't want my family and friends to treat me differently and I think most would be completely blown away by this revelation because I think I'm the epitome of "I had no idea he'd do something like that". When I'm around people I'm typically great but the highs always come with the lows. 

Working out is pretty much the only hobby I still pursue that isn't mindlessly playing video games. All my friends either have families or are moving away and I've always been kind of shit at making new ones or keeping up with old ones. 

This most recent episode has been my worst in awhile. Found out the one coworker I actually enjoy spending time with is moving away with his spouse in a few weeks. They're the last two people in my life that I regularly spend time with outside of a weekly golf outing with some of my brothers friends. All this coupled with the anniversary of my dad's death just leaves me with a weight in my stomach that I can't ignore. 

Someone joked today about how often I was taking a piss at work and said I might have diabetes. My first thought was "Sweet, untreated diabetes might lead to an unexpected early death that is considered natural and maybe that won't cause as much pain to my loved ones", because fuck living like this for another 40 years. 

Not sure if anyone will read this or respond. Not really looking for advice just hoping that this might be cathartic or it might get me more comfortable about the idea of talking about this in a professional setting. That shit kind of freaks me out because I don't do the whole opening up thing very well. This has been going on since I was 15 or so but I've always had something, (school, sports, hanging out with friends) that has kept me in balance