I have always done really well in school up until I started showing more severe symptoms and was diagnosed about a year later. It took a lot of work, and years of trying different medications, but I finally got to a point where I am happy with where I am in my educational and professional career. People trust me and believe in me and I constantly hear how impressive my work can be (not that I'm ever comfortable taking the compliment but that's a norm for me). This is the closest I've ever felt to being proud of myself since I can remember.

It's all so good until I have an episode, and I stop showing up to class because I can't stand being in a classroom because the air around me feels sharp and like there are needles all over my body or I'm ruminating about something or I'm irritable or I'm thinking about how much more intelligent I am than everyone around me than immediately feels like shit because these kids didn't do anything to me and they probably do just fine for themselves. Or conversely, I am far too depressed that even if I can bring myself to go to class, I'm not really there.

I keep trying to go through my professional and educational career as if I'm 'normal'. I am confident that I am capable of doing all the things that I want to do, but I am constantly interrupted, usually for no reason. I don't even feel particularly overwhelmed I'm ready and able to do it all I just can't focus. I just need time to let this pass but time doesn't ever stop. I am registered with the disability office at my school but I can't find myself using my accommodations.