I should probably start this off by saying that I am not entirely sure that I have BOD, although I admit I don’t understand it perfectly well despite my sister having a diagnosis. I’ve been very convinced that I have NPD (gonna speak to a therapist in a week or so), but yesterday I was made aware of the concept of a favourite person.

Holy fuck. I read [this article](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/bpd-favorite-person/) yesterday and was utterly shaken. It described my current friend relationship completely, every line had me in awe at how accurate it was.

The only issue is, and this is why I had suspected I had NPD, is I do not actually care about my favourite person. I don’t really care about anybody.

For some background, my “FP” and I are best friends, by both of our admission. We tell each other everything without exception, talk every day, etc etc. I have gotten to the point, however, where if she does not respond within an hour I start to panic, every time we have any sort of minor disagreement I immediately get terrified of the possibility that we are drifting or will “break up”, she has complete and utter control over my emotions at all times. My mood on a day-to-day basis is almost entirely based on how well my relationship with her is going at that given moment. She caught on to this and doesn’t like it, so we are drifting, which really hurts and is fucking me up, but that’s a separate post.

However, I don’t *care* about anything she tells me. I’m very good at pretending like I do so that we grow closer, but anything from her telling me about work to her telling me her horrific childhood trauma has had no effect on me. I care about her in the sense that she is an entity which gives me affection. I don’t care about her as a person, or anybody for that matter. I’m not a sociopath, I feel plenty of emotions (including feeling genuine suicidal thoughts at the slightest roadblocks in my life), I just am not capable of feeling any sort of empathy to anybody, including my FP. She is just a dispenser for affection that I panic as soon as I feel there is a threat to.

I don’t know. Is it worth considering that I have at least traits of bpd? Obviously my therapy session coming up soon will hopefully clear things up a bit, but I do want to talk about this with Internet strangers beforehand. My obsession with my friend is NOT normal and is in no way the product of a mentally healthy individual.