I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend since we were 19. I've struggled with impulsivity and sexual deviancy during this time, making me question if I'm polyamorous or if it's just my bpd. Throughout our relationship, I cheated on him 2-3 times. I eventually told him and we're still together because he understands that it was just sex, and he knows how terrible I feel about it after the fact. We broke up for about a month and then my boyfriend told me he was comfortable with trying an open relationship, if I wanted to. So we got back together. He's the most understanding, kind and sweet person. He's learning to handle my outbursts when I'm angry and comforts me. I know he deserves better than someone like me, who didn't consider him enough not to cheat.

But here's the issue. I've fallen head over heels for my FP, a best friend since high school. I'm not sure how it happened, but it happened during that breakup month. I know he isn't a rebound because I still deeply love my boyfriend as well, and I had some rebound sex during that month. I've also never fallen in love with any of my previous hookups. Usually it's just impulsive sex and we go our separate ways. My FP and I were snapchatting and texting like normal, having non-flirtatious, completely friendly conversations, and then one day I started to realize how often I'd check my phone for his answer. My heart would skip a beat whenever he answered and he answered fast a lot of the time. I crave his attention. I get anxious when he doesn't answer and excited when he does. I visited my FP at his college for a week and I know I don't want to date him, either, but I still just love him so much. I feel like I need him near me all the time and I miss him so much it makes my heart ache (his college is 8.5 hours from mine).

I guess I'm wondering if this occurs to anyone else with bpd or if, perhaps, I'm both poly and bpd? I don't want to be polyamorous, and I get jealous very easily when I think my boyfriend is going to leave me, or if my FP talks about a girl he used to like. I hate the idea of my boyfriend having sex or falling in love with other people too, but I just can't control myself and these feelings. It's agony, knowing I have everything I need in a man and still want more. It feels terrible all the time.