Yesterday I remembered my childhood vividly. I have always remembered bits and pieces and I remembered it was not great, but I nvr rly thought abt the details or how bad/ abnormal it rly was in a long time. I felt like it was normal at the time but last night when I remembered everything I knew it was not normal. I have a bad habit of repressing trauma and anything that makes me sad honestly. I looked into it more today and found that repressing childhood trauma can cause sensory processing disorder and Bipolar disorder. I have had sensory issues for a while now but they have seemed to slowly increase and I go into sensory overload more often. Uncomfortable clothing is the worst every month it seems to get worse, like i buy new socks and underwear and they are v comfortable and next thing ik i hate wearing them bc of the constant sensory overload. I rip tags off my shirt the second it touches my skin (and i just rip them off carelessly often ripping my clothes bc i am to frustrated and uncomfortable to calmly cut them off) i also cannot handle certain noises and loud noises. The only loud noises i like are from music because they drowned all the other noises out. This also causes me to be extremely agitated and i often lash out on people. And it’s normally a cycle of frustration&gt; anger&gt; and then crying. Although I have only been diagnosed with ADHD I have recently noticed bipolar symptoms at an increasing rate. Although undiagnosed I believe my dad has bipolar disorder which played a huge role in my trauma and I know bipolar disorder is genetic too. I have always known there was something wrong with me and when I was diagnosed with ADHD I thought I had the answer. My symptoms are clearly more severe than ADHD. Im going to give some info on me so u have a more clear idea of other things that could cause me to feel this way. I take 10 mg adderall and 125 mg lamotrigine (atm) every morning. I was on lexapro a while back but I stopped when I started taking Lamotrigine and thats when I noticed an increase in low/depressive moods and idk if its from starting the lamotrigine or stopping the lexapro. I also have vaped for the last 3 years of my life and I have smoked almost every day for the past year (im slowing down a lot and micro dose more often that actually getting high) and yes I definitely depend on weed. I have used weed to fall asleep so i dont have to be alone with my thoughts. I also used to have a shopping problem I would go to the mall for no reason and spend $500 in just one store. I believe the Lamotrigine has helped with this considering I have actually been saving a lot more for a longer period of time (I  use to save money for a couple months and blow most of it in one month and then I go back to saving so Idk if thats what’s happening now). I feel the Lamotrigine has lowered the highs a lot like they are more rare and when they occur they are not nearly as extreme and don’t last as long. But i also feel its increased the lows and has cause me to feel numb. I also no longer enjoy the activities that i use to love, this occurred noticeably since i was in 10th grade. I was searching everywhere on google but I trust advice from people who actually struggle with these issues more than doctors and psychiatrist who think they know whats going on in ur head. I have taken a bunch of those stupid mental health quizzes (Ik they are not rly accurate and are not enough to know for sure) but the results i got were all high or 100% chances of bipolar disorder, axiety, adhd (obviously), depression, addiction, and even autism. And due to repressing my feelings i am unable to open up to anyone, not even my psychiatrist or my last 2 therapist. I often make jokes abt it and my mental health to make it feel less serious and when i do open up i nvr fully open up to anyone. I feel very alone bc i feel that all my friends and even my family dont really know me, they know the person i want them to believe to be me. Some people in my life had thought i could be bipolar as well only due to my actions that they have seen (irritatability, constant mood wings, sensory overload and reckless spending/ actions) but they have no idea the actual extent of any of these issues. Idk if its my anxiety or the idea of being judged but i know im embarrassed bc i put up this front of having thick skin, confidence, and constantly pretending to be happy. I cant talk to anyone abt this and idk what to do. Although i am on a mood stabilizer that treats bipolar disorder, my psychiatrist said she is not convinced i have a mood disorder, this is probably due to the fact that i don’t open up and even lie when she ask me questions that i don’t want to answer. Because of this i cant really find any of the answers I’m looking for. If you can relate and/or have any advice as to if any of this is related and/or accurate please comment or even dm. I would greatly appreciate it, Thank you.