I've just woken up from my sleep crying. Even in my dreams I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I cant do this anymore. I'm tired. I'm hopeless beyond measure and I cant go on knowing i'll feel like shit anytime my brain wants to. 

I've been depressed since college and I never really recovered. Been hospitalized for attempting to kill myself but never followed through with the psychiatrist after being discharged because my mom said i was just influenced by the devil. 

Went to a free counselor offered by a nearby church and the counselor told me that being molested when I was 3-8 years old by my cousin and me not getting help for so long may be because I wanted it. I wanted to be abused. Its in my nature she said. Nevermind me suppressing those memories until I was in college and eventually spiraling downwards since then. Im at my rock bottom. Im 27 yrs old. I cant hold a job bec of my anxiety and panic attacks. I sabotage good opportunities always. My mind is my worst enemy. Im going to end it today.

Thank you to this sub for making me feel less alone. But im afraid I cant do this anymore. Decided to post here since i have no one to tell this shit to without being guilt tripped or being blamed. Its been a good run. Thanks.