I know this is making my mental state worse, but I can’t seem to do anything about it. I just fucking hate myself and I don’t know how to stop. It’s ruining so many aspects of my life, but it’s like an endless fucking cycle, I hate myself because my mental state is ruining everything for me and my mental state is so fucked because I hate myself. Like a fucking ouroboros of shit. 

I hate that I share DNA with my fucking toxic family, that their blood runs in my veins. I hate that I look like my dad and the only parts of me that don’t are the ones that look like my mum. They’re all I fucking see when I look in the mirror. I hate that I’m always so depressed and angry and my mental health is so fucked that I can’t work for more than about 6 months before I’m just a hollow shell, puppeteered by necessity, until I eventually lose the job because it becomes clear to my bosses I can’t function. I hate that I’m incapable of love or feeling loved. I hate that I’m covered in scars I did to myself because I could control my emotions. I hate that I feel fucking nothing for anyone else on this planet anymore, and I can’t have friends or find solace in “helping people” or any of that shit because it doesn’t resonate with me on any level. I just fucking hate all of me.

I don’t know how to “forgive myself”, that phrase is basically meaningless to me because if I knew how to do it, I would have. It’s like being told to “be happy”, I understand the concept, but it’s not a physical action I can take. I can’t just do the fucking forgiveness dance or something. It’s not an action I have any idea how to perform. I’ve tried therapy for years now, countless medications, tried all the “positive” bullshit like finding three things I like about myself or whatever and there are things, I’m not delusional. I try to focus on those things. I really do. But it just feels like Stockholm syndrome or something. Like my brain’s been kidnapped by some fucking awful human being, and so knowing that I can’t escape them I just try to pretend they’re “not so bad” cause they feed me and don’t hit me as hard as they could. It just feels like bullshit, it’s a lie.

I just don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to stop hating myself.