I’m a 39 yo male from The Netherlands and got diagnosed with Borderline two years ago.
I’ve known my entire life there was something wrong with me, but my parents (and me) never really took the effort to find out what it was.
All I know is, I always got in trouble and had severe peaks in my life. Either I wanted to be dead or I wanted to live life to the fullest.
Right now I wish I was dead.

I’ve had 2 long relationships in my life, one with a really caring girl from Holland which lasted for twelve years and just recently got dumped by a girl from Denmark where I was in a relationship with for eight years.
The last relationship was really intense and difficult, but we loved eachother deeply.
It was a complicated relationship since we were from different countries while both having difficult personalities. 
She was from Denmark and I’m from Holland and she loved me for who I was. A guy with an attitude;
All or nothing, never giving up, while having a huge issue when things were unfair to me or anyone else. I can’t tand unfairness!
I gave everything for this girl, a beautiful girl that had her own mind made up as well. She moved to Holland for me and loved me every second of the day, but soon got depressed and missed her own country.
Me, not knowing I had borderline, jumped right into the deep and told her I could move back with her to her homecountry, Denmark.
I was so in love with her that I did everything I could to make a success out of it and she even asked me to marry her.
At the same time I was deeply depressed and couldn’t find a decent job in there during the financial crisis, but kept on trying.
After 5 years of shit jobs, I had to start with meds, since I couldn’t cope with my bad feelings anymore.
I started with Venlafaxine and ended with sertraline to make my life worth while.
I started isolating myself more and more while I always used to love playing baseball and be around other people.
I started doing drugs and drank more and often wanted to commit suicide.
Off course my relationship got affected by this, but instead of her trying to get me back on my feet, she started to get away from me more and more, which resulted in me feeling even worse.

It ended up with me standing on the top of a hotel, but I couldn’t make the jump after talking to my dad over the phone to say goodbye, who was in another country at that time.
My brother and my dad kinda rescued me and drove to Denmark straight away to come and visit me.
I got put in a closed clinic, so I couldn’t damage myself more where ‘my girl’ didn’t wanna visit me.
When I got out (having talked to a lot of psychotherapists), my relationship was basically done. 
It was in “my best interest” to move back to Holland to get the right treatment and show “the girl of my life” that I could be stronger again and win her back.
Unfortunately, this never happenend.
I got treatment for months in Holland, while keeping contact with her from Holland, but never felt I could win her back.
At the same time I started making up stories in my own head that she had found someone else and would never be with me again. Which resulted in me calling her, remotely stalking her and not trusting her at all.
It ended last month with her telling me she couldn’t handle my actions anylonger and wanted to stop contact with me forgood for her sake.
She didn’t actually tell me this, but wrote it in an email, which still hurts me every day.

Right now, I’m trying to move on and forget about what I’ve caused, the beautiful girl that I will never see again and the pain I caused to both me and her.
I literally haven’t been able to get out of bed for over three weeks now, order in food, have no contact with anyone (other than my parents) and am in a selfdestructive mode.
What am I supposed to do? 

