i have always had issues with working, i am only happy/not depressed when i am not working. i got covid in january and i view that as one of the best times in my adult life because i finally got a break. the lockdowns also gave me a break but unfortunately i am an essential worker and can only find work in that field so i had to go back to work eventually. i have also had issues with job hoping and only staying at a job for 3-6 months. 

however, i recently reached one year of work at my current job and that should feel like an accomplishment because i have never worked at a job for a year since i started working at 16(23 now) but i feel like it has caused my mental health to decline. i get bad anxiety everyday before i have to go in and the sunday night scaries are so bad that i feel like i want to crawl out of my skin. i cant quit this job because it pays $21 an hour and that the highest paying job i have found in my area and i need the money. its also the nicest place i have worked and my managers are the coolest managers i have ever had. 

i feel so scared everyday and i cry every night. i think about severely disabling myself to not go into work. i pray that a car hits me head on. i dont know how i am suppose to live the rest of my life like this. 

i have also gone to therapy over this and none of them offer me any real solutions and just tell me to look at the good things about the job but it doesn’t take away from what i feel. 

it feels like my only options are to kill myself, become homeless, or severely disable myself.