i'm 21 and i've been depressed for most of my life. my dad suddenly died from a heart attack when i was 5 and back then i just stuffed it away until it slowly came back over the years. i've been depressed for as long as i can think and i've tried almost everything but nothing really works. whenever i think my life is finally getting better, it immediately crashes down and gets even worse than before. 

i'm hopeless and i feel like i'm at the end of my options. i've been in therapy for years and i've tried medication but nothing works, if it would at least stop things from getting worse i'd already be satisfied. my dad also lost both of his parents at a very young age and had very similar issues that he was never able to recover from before he died.

i would never commit s*cide because i don't want my mom to go through such a sudden loss again but i have no hope left in my life and i have hurt myself. everyone keeps telling me i'm still so young and i have so many options but every time i try to turn my life around it only lasts for a few days until i crash even harder than before. 

i can tell even the few friends i have are getting burned out from being there for me, so is my mom and i'm sick of being a burden to everyone. i'm in a constant state of fear and pain and i just want to stop feeling but unfortunately there is no other possibility for that other than death