They were 6 and 7 years old and I kinda let my life get out of hand, trying to fix everything with more mistakes and eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I didn't know how to cope or not disapoint every single person in my life and I stopped communicating with my sons mother and I never spoke to them again and since then I have tried to block them from my memory and I lost them completely and that will haunt me forever.

But everyone was against me. The state, Tasha, her new boyfriend, her family, even my family was too busy making me feel awful and worthless, and my church was threatening to remove me from their membership. And on top of all that, the person I was with at the time, the one person who I should have been able to count on.. Expressed extreme displeasure with my kids and she made it a nightmare to be able to do anything I needed to to tend to them. And I let it happen cauee I didn't know what else to do. 

My life was a living hell and I got there cause I was impulsive time and time again. Trying to run, trying to find happiness. Trying to do what I thought was right but I always screwed up.

No one knew. I don't even know if I knew at the time that it wasn't normal to have that much chaos in my life. But I was drowning. And I didn't say anything. I just sat there while everyone told me how awful I was. And I believed it.

And now I'm at a point in my life where I need to try and forgive myself which isn't easy.