TW: Suicidal Idealation at the bottom. 

Is that all the letters? Feels like it. Those are the grand total of diagnoses I have been stickered with.  BPD is the new kid on the block. Bipolar II has been rejected. (Good riddance. I knew that wasn't the problem all along) PTSD? I can't seem to find those symptoms either. :/

I'm constantly depressed. I'm always anxious. I feel like a empty can with a rock rattling inside. I can't pay attention to much of anything for more than a short amount of time without adderall. 

I've been sliding from meltdown to meltdown. (This might have been a medication side effect) My FP has withdrawn from me and refuses to discuss why.  I'm in the midst of a medication shuffle because the bipolar med was making me exhausted and miserable. I do feel better now so that's a plus. 

To snip this ramble, I just want to ask how to cope with this new diagnosis. On one hand, I feel like I've been given the gift of knowledge and I'm happy to have the name for my odd brand of hypersensitive insanity.  When I know what it is, I can get a handle on it, I feel. 

On the other, I can't tell anyone. Hi, stigma. When a person I considered a friend grouped BPD with NPD in a very negative way. I was just gutted. They didn't know about me but it still hurt. 

I am not that drama llama! I'm sensitive and broken and hate myself but I'm not stirring shit for attention. I'm in pain. So much pain.  I never know what to do with the hurt. It feels like drowning and I can't swim. 

My brain feels broken beyond repair. I don't know if I can keep living this way. I just turned 33 and I have nothing to show for all my years of existence.


TRIGGER WARNING!!!

I wonder every day if I should just...stop. And relieve all burdens. You can't live forever with a knife hanging out of your chest.  And my family is tired of me

If I had a gun. I'd do it. Until then, I just keep going. 

END TRIGGER WARNING!!!

If you read this, thank you.  I wanted to introduce myself, I guess. So. Hi. I'm Gee-Gee. 