My boyfriend is wonderful and supportive. I can't imagine anyone else sticking by my side during my worst times. But I unload everything on him. Including my rage. I lose it. The other day he told me that he ways afraid of me because I can be so mean when I drink. All he did was tease me and I lost my sh*t. We go hiking, he point out a big spider, I freeze, he gets disappointed, we leave, he's annoyed, I end up raging at his disappointnent in me. There have been times when he's tried to sleep in our spare room and I've raced ahead and locked the door before he could get there. The other day I was trying to keep it together while making pasta, but he kept hounding me about why I was upset. So I ended up bashing the counter with the rolling pin and screaming at him to shut up. 
I'm going to see my counselor on Wednesday. I never give her the full story. I'm afraid I'll be heavily judged. But feeling like I want to die every day is exhausting and I want to be happy without questioning it or hurting the person I love most.