I'm spiraling and wont be able to see a therapist for another month. I planned on going to walk ins this morning but husband complained it was too early and we had an appointment a few hours after. So I said fine, I wont go then. Then he yelled at me to not complain about how I'm feeling then. 

He told me I'm not a burden but his actions just justify my thinking. 

I sat in the bathroom because I couldn't deal with him and the kids screaming. He came banging on the door telling me to get out if I wasn't using it otherwise he'd "shit on the bed".  No asking if I was okay. I left the bathroom and he spat at me "dont use the bathroom for your sanctuary. we have a fucking bedroom." 

I cant deal with how I feel anymore. I want to die. The emotions are too much for me. The self hate is too much. The lack of trust is too much.  He just tells me he doesnt understand how I feel and think and I'm selfish for wanting to die. I've tried so hard to explain to him how I feel and why I think the way I do and he just gets angry at me. 

I dont have anyone to talk to. I don't want to look weak in front of my kids but it's so hard holding it together. Everyone would be better off without me. They'd be happier. And I could just be crazy on my own. 