Being neurodivergent, I've always had hyperfixations on stuff, usually some sort of fictional thing that makes me really happy, but it's something I've always felt on-guard about ever since I was young. Over time I managed to move past this barrier somewhat and open up online about my interests, especially because you can find a lot of like-minded people on the internet, and anyone who judges you is not someone you have to talk to ever again.

My family is included in the people I don't open up to about hyperfixations. Part of it is because their reaction is hard to predict. Sometimes they'll be supportive, sometimes they'll say something negative or sound like they really wish I'd stop talking about it. Sometimes they'll also be supportive in the wrong ways and tell friends and relatives about my interest despite it feeling like such a vulnerable thing for me to share about myself. Since it's really important to me, I feel more afraid than if I were just casually saying I like some show.

This has been manageable for the most part, but lately I've gotten into collecting anime merch based on my current hyperfixation. The anime itself is seen as kinda cringey, and I think my brother knows the basics of it from seeking it out a bit on his own. I actually tried to build up conversations with my brother about it in the past, but the more I started talking about it, the more annoyed and disinterested he'd sound, saying things like "I don't remember" even when I tried asking him basic info like how far he got into the series. So I clammed up about it altogether to avoid feeling shame over liking it so much.

The whole thing has been a bit anxiety-inducing, because both my mom and brother get enthusiastic and curious about the things I order for myself. I scarcely share what's inside a package even when they get to it before I do. I can tell my mom especially feels bad about this. She says when I don't share I make myself seem like a stranger in our own home.

Another reason I don't share too much is because in the past my family has asked me how much I spent on said thing. Despite the fact they are things I can afford for myself, I have gotten comments in the past about wasting my money over cheap plastic, etc. It makes me feel bad. For every dozen supportive comments I could receive, it only takes one negative thing to stop being comfortable sharing my interests with family. There's been many times I chose not to buy things for myself just to avoid the feeling of anxiety and embarrassment I get being pressured to share it with them.

Overall, I'm glad I'm finally choosing to collect something I love despite what my family could think. My anxiety still spoils the experience somewhat, but I think it's better than just deciding I can't have something over a mental roadblock. I'd like to get to a place where I collect things openly and not care however they choose to react to it.