Why is it every time you argue with someone they abandon you? It’s been like this since I’ve been a kid, beginning with my own parents. It’s why I am deathly afraid of conflict as an adult and twist myself like a pretzel to make sure everyone likes me. I know I messed up because of my bpd, but please tell me why I am not worthy of love or mercy regardless? I am forgiving with other people to a fault, but I have no idea of what it’s like to have the same thing extended back to me. Usually people just have an argument with me, ghost or I’m told I’m just too messed up for this relationship to continue. We’re talking like one argument that’s why am so deathly afraid of them. I have a bad temper sometimes but I’m not violent. I don’t understand why this is. Am I that much of a monster? People always say love yourself work on yourself I’m already taking pills that have blown me up 30 pounds, I go to DBT therapy I go to regular therapy, I’m aware I have this problem and try to improve myself every day… But why do I have to keep trying and work so hard to “earn  “ Somebody that will actually love me and want to stay around? Why am I not worthy of somebody who will forgive and be there for me the way I have for other people? I’m tired of being told you are normal no I’m not normal because my experiences are not normal my whole life has been full of trauma, isolation and abuse. 

How could anyone to be normal when a single argument leads to abandonment every time ? Why is letting go and staying away always my only choice? How could anybody be “normal” when that happens again and again To point  your left isolated and alone? 

How much “letting go “ can one human being do?