I guess this is mostly a rant, but I also really want to know. I feel like I've been trying to fix this void for my entire life and it never goes away. I always thought it was about finding peace and contentment with your life. I don't know if that's true and if it is, I don't know how to find it. I'm definitely in a depressive episode right now, but I feel like even when I'm not in one, the void is there and I'm trying to get rid of it. I can never sit back and enjoy life. I'm always trying to rush and get towards something. I don't even know what I'm trying to find, but whatever it is, I need it, and I don't have it. I'm young and all I can think is "will this be here forever?" At first I tried to look at other people who seem happier than me (i.e. peers in my graduating class.) They'd all have these big friend groups and hang out and know each other. I tried to find that. I quickly realized though that I really truly hate these people. They're not anything like me. These people just feel naive and silly. I guess they would've been normal for the age, but I was never one to act my age, I guess. After that I looked within myself, and it was nothing. I didn't know how to fulfill myself. But I tried. I've been working toward a career in medicine. I tried investing into that. It didn't do shit. Then I got a boyfriend. I thought that would somehow fix me. I think I'm just now realizing that it doesn't and it won't, but I don't know what else to try. I don't know how to word towards this void. If love, sex, intimacy, relationships, exercise, eating well, working towards goals, medication, drugs, art, hobbies, working, self care, socializing, or just persisting through the hell that is life won't fix the void, what the fuck else is there? I don't know how the fuck I can just keep going without any sort of promise of fixing this empty fucking hole inside me. I'm just wondering at this point if the void is me. If I just have a void, and the void can't be fixed, because it's supposed to be filled with something I don't and never will have.