Finally I have some positive to update about. I've only been ranting here on such negative stuff that I almost started to believe I could never be happy again. BUT!

My close family, which is my SO1, my son, my SO2 and me, has had this secret: We are polyamorous. SO2's parents knows and have accepted this. My mom knows, but we're not in talking terms with her right now. SO1's sister knows. My dad (my parents are divourced and hate each other) and brother didn't know, SO1's parents didn't know. I've been with SO1 for 6 years, over one and a half with SO2. So we've had the secret for almost two years, and what a burden it has been.

Yesterday SO1's parents came over as my son's birthday was today. All four of are moving in together us in a month , so we had to tell now. Mom took it ok'is, dad went silent, and a bit later told us that he is leaving. He talked about how our son will just end up a divource-child, this will never last, he'll never meet my SO2. And then he left. I was devastated, I was rejected badly. SO1's mom told that "this is water under the bridge for you, but we are schocked", all that. I understand, of course, but still I started doubting myself, felt like a freak, a monster, a horrible being. 

Today my dad and brother came to celebrate. All went well, and then they were about to leave and I just had to tell them. I was so afraid. Had been crying a lot, panicky, devastated from yesterday. I was affraid he'd disown me, hate me, get mad, yell, never want to meet me again. And nothing of sort happened. He took it well. Was silent, a bit schocked of course. 

I started with telling about my feelings. How I was affraid. I started crying right away. I think he saw how hard it was for me. He just told me that I should have told him sooner (I was too scared to do so), and it's my life. My brother told me the same, that he won't judge how I live, and then he hugged me tighter than he ever has. It felt incredible. I just bawled, hugged them and then they had to go. A bit shocked, it takes time for this to sink in, but they accepted me.

And the effect: I haven't felt this good in years. I felt light. A huge boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. I was able to talk to an acquintance in the store, no worries, no social anxiety. I invited people over, which I haven't been able to do in months without mental pain. I talked with my neighbours, and last time of that without anxiety was maybe a year ago. I feel like a good person.

I feel I accomplished something, but without the "yeah, but that part went bad and that too and that" lurking in my mind. Even with my SO1's dad's bad reaction, I'm happy. And the best part is that I'm not manic. This is not euphoria, this is just genuinely feeling good about myself, my life and my family. I haven't felt like this in ages. Not this throughly, not this easily.

This might not last, some bad thought may come, but right now I'm not affraid. I'm not anxious. I'm just happy, content and looking forward to the future. 

Just wanted to share. :)