I lie a lot

Mostly to myself

I can’t tell if my emotions are real or something i’ve conjured up to feel victimized or as an excuse to be lazy

I’m not happy

I actively choose not to better myself because it’s comfortable, it’s easy to be depressed because I have no real expectations for myself

I can’t control my emotions

I get angry at anything and everything, from something small to something big, i always react over dramatically. I argue in my head that i’m right for feeling this anger then scold myself for that same feeling. Eventually i get tired of going back and forth and shut down.

I want to be alone

I dont want to have any connections with anyone. I want all bridges to be burnt so I can go back to ruining my life with no feeling of guilt for hurting the people around me. I want my Mom to hate me, I want my wife to hate me, i want my brother to hate me and i want my friends to leave. I want to have the option of killing myself, I already feel no control over myself and want to have control over when i die.

I hate myself

i cannot more than anything control my hatred towards myself. I will list off everything that is wrong with me every single day to remind me that i’m a piece of shit. I used to at least know I was a good person, other than hate myself physically. Now i don’t believe i’m a good person. I act only in self interest and have hurt many people in the process. I now have no reason to like anything about me, i am more disgusted in my appearance than i’ve ever been and more disgusted in my thoughts and actions than i’ve ever been. 

i fantasize about death frequently

Whenever i see or hear something about someone dying, i don’t feel that bad for them or their families. I only become envious of them. I think about how nice it would be to be gone. I mostly fantasize about a death that is caused by outside factors. I don’t want to be blamed for the people close to me being sad (if i commit suicide) so i think about other ways i could die, where nobody would say i’m weak or selfish. I wish illness upon myself constantly, i’ve been thinking about cancer a lot recently and had a routine lab drawn that was outside of the normal range, but i am grasping at straws hoping to god it’s somehow related to cancer or some other terminal illness. I am excited and at the same time anxious for it to be something big.

i seek attention

i want to be seen. i want by suffering to be acknowledged by others for the pity and to make it so less is expected of me. I want to share this for that reason. I may or may not share this with someone because i feel like if i do, it invalidates my depression in which i already struggle to determine if it is real or manufactured.

i don’t think i care that my dad is dead

He died in December 2021. I never liked him, i think I hated him. He hurt my mom and brother (and his other families) much more than he hurt me (not physically) so i don’t really know if i should feel bad anyway. But i thought i would feel something. I thought maybe i would get sad because it’s a person that’s dead or maybe happy that it’s finally over and i don’t have to feel bad for him trying to reach out to me and me not ever responding. But i didn’t and still don’t really feel anything. I was expecting something, anything at all. I wonder what his last thoughts were, or if it was just a blank page. 
I hate him but i also see myself turning into him every day. It scares me that I could possibly end up neglecting people that way he neglected us. He was a major part of my life for 14 years and I still feel nothing about his death. I don’t think i can quantify the damage he has done to my mom my brother and myself. He was an angry, controlling, emotionally abusive old man. His actions indirectly made me resent my brother. For a very long time i was scared just be have ears and be in the house. he would berate my brother and mom constantly. i caught him several times speaking to himself practicing an argument with my mother, planning out how to make her cry next.

nothing really matters

i cannot emphasize enough how little i care about this world. Even though i love people, i don’t think they matter at all. I don’t really blame anyone for anything, i don’t think Hitler did anything terrible because i don’t really think there is an overall “terrible”. It’s just people. Humans being shitty. Even though i feel bad for the people hurt by me and want them to be happy, it still doesn’t really matter. i just don’t want to be the one held accountable for their unhappiness. How can i force myself to change and start caring about things, like myself, when i don’t care for the world in general. There is no point to anything. I wish i believed in a god.

all i do is distract myself

When i have free time, all i do is play video games and sleep. I don’t spend the time with my wife and friends that i should because when i do i just get anxious or start to think about the wrongs that i’ve done. i feel bad for spending countless hours on video games but it completely takes my mind off everything, all i can do is focus on getting a headshot and then by the time i’m done i can go to sleep without thinking a single real thought.