Been a long time since I've posted here, but I just needed a moment to not feel alone. I was diagnosed with BPD while in the hospital about 3 years ago. Been in therapy for about the same amount of time, little longer. I am for all intents and purposes asymptomatic these days, thank god, but the echoes of the disorder are still there like faint ghosts in my head, so I'm still in treatment and work every day to be stronger and better and more grounded than I was the day before.

So, the past few years have been horrible for me. I was in an off/on abusive relationship with a man, after my divorce. This man was mutual friends with my ex-husband and a few of our friends, very well-liked in the community.

The abuse was the kind that, when you tell people about it, they shrug their shoulders and ask if it's really abuse. He never hit me. He never called me names. But he could gaslight well enough it would put Donald Trump to shame. I spent almost 3 years getting pushed around emotionally, cheated on and lied to and made to feel crazy, pulled in, pushed out, made to feel stupid and weak, add to the list.

But of course, no one saw these things. I was the crazy one after all, not him, right?

Doesn't matter. He and I haven't been a thing for a long time. He moved away. And these days, I have an AMAZING boyfriend and am in a wonderful, healthy and happy relationship.

So, this ex-bf's best friends had moved to Portland, OR but have just recently moved back into town. Of all the places they had to move to, they decided to move into my neighborhood. To a house that I can see from my house, if I squint.

Though my ex has moved 2 hours away, this is his best friend we're talking about. So of course this ex has been in my neighborhood more than once this weekend. I only know because my ex-husband (and father of my daughter) is ALSO very close to this family and decent friends with this man. Throw some social media into the mix, and yeah, I know my ex-bf has been close enough for me to see.

Last night I had a panic attack over it and my bf, as amazing as he is, did his best to stay patient but admitted that he "thought we were past this" (as in, past me having a reaction to my ex).

My ex-husband took our daughter over there for dinner tonight and texted me to let me know that my ex-bf showed up, so our daughter and my ex-bf interacted...I stayed calm, and responded in a way that made sense (rather than blowing up like I might have in the past) but I did request that he please not let this man and my daughter interact in the future if it can be helped.

Tonight I had a second panic attack for the weekend because of my ex-husband telling me that my ex-bf and my daughter interacted...I had the other one the night before because of the social media thing.

So, I called my therapist and cried on the phone with her after admitting that I'd gotten in the car and driven around the neighborhood to see if I could find this house (I couldn't, it's dark)...and she helped settle me and made sure I was back safe in my house. I just needed to talk to her, to talk to someone who believed me, that I wasn't being overdramatic about this man, that no matter how far in my past the relationship goes, just knowing he's nearby makes me panic as if someone just shine a bright flash of light in my eyes. It's neurobiological in nature, it feels.

I guess I just came here because I needed to feel not alone. I needed to know that it's not my fault that I panic knowing this man is so near my home, near my daughter. I need to know that I didn't deserve to be hurt by him the way I was, and that it makes sense that I'm reacting this way to the traumatic memory. And that it's okay, especially because I'm continuing to work on this with my therapist...I don't want it to cause a rift in my relationship with my wonderful boyfriend. I often feel like I need him to keep me still and stable, along with my therapist and my medication, even though I realize these days I'm capable of quite a bit more on my own than I realize.