I don't really have any friends. I live with my family but I don't think they can help me ( they dont believe that there are middle grounds for mental illnesses, just you are either "depressed and need help" or "normal and life is hard so deal with it")(before you say to move out and live on my own, I did, I did go abroad for 3 to 2 different countries). 
I am not diagnosed with bpd yet, but this sub relates with me in so many levels than other mental health subs. Why not just consult a psychitrist? The local psychiatrist from where I lived only diagnosed me with "imagining myself that I have some mental illness, that I found on internet". 
I am currently 24. As long as I remember, no year went by without feeling lonely. Don't want to go on much details on that. Is it because my mind is clouded that I cant remember good stuffs? No. There were good stuffs. But most of the moments (good or bad) were just me all alone. So why am I desperately wanting a friend? Why cant I just be normal and accept my loneliness and build my self on my own? Is it because I am thinking that "I cant do it?"
I could go months without talking to anyone except my parents (who care about me a lot in their own way.), which is also for a less than an hour every week, while I was abroad. 
How can I stop feeling lonely? I never had friends most of my life, so why am I feeling so lonely? 
Sadly there arent any dbt groups, therapists from where I live. Its expensive to live where there are therapists in my country and I cant afford it right now. 
I know most of you would think this as a joke, but thats alright. Maybe this is fake and I am just pretending, wasting my time writing all these. 


"Maybe I'll be your friend"  = gets bored of me before a week.
"I can help you" = "have you heard of Internal locus of control, where you stop blaming others and focus to solve problems on your own?"
"I wont ignore you" = ghosts me for no reason. 
"You can tell me anything" = only thing you know is complain 24/7
"Stop pushing people away" = pushes me away.

Where can I get a friend? A friend who cares enough, not to ghost me. Someone who tries to understand me without rolling their eyes. I don't deserve human company, right?
(Bad english? not so sure why, language center is all messed up)
And yeh, this post wont make any sense to me within 6-8hrs. Feels bad enough to delete posts like these after sleep.