This is going to be a rather long one, and I will try to make it as little confusing as possible. 

Backstory: boyfriend and I dated for 6+ months, he broke up with me due to thinking we were just "different people", I slept with mutual friend, I find out he was on Tinder, ect. the NEXT day. boyfriend a week later wants to work it out. I tell him about me sleeping with friend, is bothered, but still wants to make it work.

Fast forward to now. Boyfriend broke up with me due to BPD moods. (I will not deny that I was almost impossible to deal with.) Moved things out of his apartment, the whole sha-bang. Friends asked why we broke up, his answer "She's crazy." Then, he's back on his Tinder shit. In my head, I figured I would never speak to him again. He ended it on a really ugly note, and he "will never do second chances". So, a few days after the break up, I again, sleep with the mutual friend. Boyfriend hears I am doing really well for myself, hits me up with "oh I found ____ at my apartment" and starts a conversation. It was innocent, then went into deeper feelings. I went to his place that night, we wound up expressing feelings that we both still wanted to be together, just need to take it slow. That was on a Thursday. That weekend, he had a beach house for the extended weekend. He went from Saturday-Tuesday. He invited me Monday &amp; Tuesday. I went. We had a fantastic time together. I didn't bring up sleeping with friend because 1.) I was single 2.) I really thought he would never talk to me again. I started to get SICK from guilt of not telling him. So, we leave Tuesday, sleep at his parents' that night, then go home Wednesday. We drove separately so I headed to my house, he went to his. The guilt honestly began to eat me alive, so I call him and ask if I can come over and hang out. We do, I lay it on him right then and there. He is "disgusted" and "will never work it out with me" calls me just about every name in the book, along with some lovely other one liners such as "if I see you walking down the street I'll be sure to have singles on me so I can throw ones at you" tears me up more, I finally have had enough and I leave. 



I am stuck because I am still madly in love with him. If I was single, I can literally do whatever I want. (Correct??) If I had just downloaded dating apps, with the INTENTION to go fuck other people, but didn't get the opportunity, would I be as guilty? I understand the anger from me not telling him prior to beach trip, but I was selfish, and knew, once I told him, he'd likely not speak to me anymore. So I honestly just wanted to have one last good time with him. Also thinking, maybe if we had such an amazing time, he'd consider working it out. Now, tell me, what do I do? I have completely 100% removed the other person from my life, because its obvious they are trouble for me. What the fuck do I do. I am a mess right now.