Im a 18 year old college freshman d1 baseball player at a top 10 academic university with great friends and used to be the happiest kid ever and used to love life, yet now I am a shell of myself because of this one stupid mistake i made over 7 months ago.

Around halloween of my freshman year I went to a party and went to go talk to a girl I had been hooking up with the first couple weeks of school and was completely shocked when her friend told me she wasn't interested anymore. I was shocked because I thought things had been going really well and was just overall just angry. I had just recently been broken up with my girlfriend right before coming to school so this is the second time I had been somewhat "heartbroken" in a mater of weeks. I was mad at the world and got extremely drunk and ended up with being in a bathroom and a teamate offered me a line of cocaine and I said yes. I eneded up doing 3 lines that night and that was it and did not even feel anything

Now this is kind of weird, but prior to this I have never done any drug besides alchol. I have still never smoked weed or had any form of nicotine, but somehow I ended up doing cocaine. I also have never had soda or fast food in my life, so I have done coke before Ive had a coke.

The next day, and the following weeks In really didnt think anything of it I just said i'd never do it again and felt completely normal and just thought it was a stupid mistake. I realized how this girl was not worth it and moved on to be my normal happy self.

However, when I went home to winter break this is where it all changed. I was scheduled to get my wisdom teeth out and Ive heard that you can reveal secrets after surgery. One of my friends asked me what if you tell your parents about this. This is when it went downhill, I began constantly thinking about it and cocaine was in my mind 24/7. This eventually sent me into a period of depression and felt complete anhedonia for like 4 weeks. I was so scared during this time that id never get better and i'd runined my life for something so stupid. Eventually, the anhedonia went away but I still didnt feel completely normal and id still constanly have the ruminating thought , "i cant believe you did this, how could you be so stupid etc." I know this kind fio sounds like OCD,. but ive never had any of symptoms of ocd before

here we are almost 7 months later and I still have these guilty thoughts daily, and its killing me. I have no idea how to get rid of them and it is causing me so much stress that i have never had to deal with before, and is sending me into a period of depression that I feel like is never going to get better and that my life is ruined.

I have tried so many methods, such as nootropics and weekly acupuncture, yet I dont see any improvement and just feel like im stuck in a rut.

I have the perfect life on paper, yet I have never been more un happy and I just need to know that this is going to go away and I can move on from my guilt over this stupid mistake.

I go to a school in a colder place so Im hoping that this is just seasonal depression and Im just blaming it on this mistake but actually its just seasonal depression as I am not used to this colder weather.

Any advice is really useful, and am just really hoping this eventually goes away.