First off, for a long time, I have been struggling with anxiety and depression along with sensory autism issues. There has been this guy whom I've had extreme hyper fixations on while him being my friend and I grew very attracted to him when I first met him. I have written 20+ pages of stuff just about him in the past month whether it be ranting or just thoughts. So he's always been kinda perverted in his jokes and other stuff and that type of person overall. And recently he had sexually assaulted me I don't want to go into any details about it but I told one of my closest friends and got me to try to talk to somebody else about it. Then when I talk about what happened the man who I was talking to just dismissed the entire thing and thought I was lying because he could never do that sort of thing. 

Now after all of this has happened he has become really angry with me and I am trying my best to avoid him at all times in public places. I've had usual breakdown episodes over him and everything that had happened and they keep getting progressively worse. Today, only a few hours ago I had begun fantasizing about him beating me up until I was bloody and I just played on the floor emotionless and taking it thinking I deserve it. In the fantasy after he's done he starts sobbing apologizing and trying to hug me but I'm still lying there. When I was stuck in this state of mind I started to actually punch myself over and over until I got bruises but no bleeding. I broke down again over how obsessed I was with him and I really don't know why I think like this anymore. 

Why am I still so obsessed over him? Why do I think that I deserve all of this am I to blame in this situation? I feel like in some ways that I deserved to be sa'd by him and that he is in the right still. I really do not at all understand why I am like this. I really think that nobody else has ever been in a situation like this but I think there just has to be the chance somebody understands what I am feeling in some way.

(Throwaway account)