Little about me 26/F/Mass. 

The mind is a powerful thing. A fucked up mind will do fucked up powerful things, like last night. My BPD symptom that does the most damage is my impulsivity. I do not like that I do this. The morning after I always feel horrible. 
 
Note:

When I write in quotations it's my impulsive mind speaking. My impulsive mind thinks poorly of my main self. My impulsive mind calls my main self "silly girl". 

I call my self , main self. 

The story:
Last night i am feeling overwhelmed with emotions. My mind is telling me no one loves me. I am alone Christmas weekend. I did get invited to go out last night . One of my girlfriends texted me and asked me what I was doing. I said i was sick, (mentally sick bpd flaring), I didn't go into detail. I felt no energy to go pretend, put on a dress, heels, and party in the club. we texted for a little bit longer but then I assume she was at the club so I stopped texting. 

I then face timed my so/ or whatever we are. He said he couldn't talk now but he would talk later. I said it was an emergency. it felt like an emergency to me.

 Something in my mind tells me this .."put on your pants put on your shirt sneakers grab your keys.. Start drinking.. And then call him".

1 hour ago before this I dumped my face in ice water. I tried the skills. My main self is very aware and tries really hard. 

"get in the car and down a whole bottle of liquor. Yes yes yes drink and drive you silly girl."  My main self was gone. I was overtaken. I'm driving and calling him crying telling him how worthless I am. 

"Silly girl do you think he's going to want to be with you now? Haha.. You fell for it. Now you will really be alone because he won't love you." I cry even more.


I drive home and he calls me and says he's going to come by. By the time he enters my room, I'm completely intoxicated. Room is spinning. I feel hopeless. But he's here. He's asking me all these questions like why did I do this? Why did I drive drunk? Why couldn't I drink in bed? All legitimate questions that my main self was trying to answer. 

"bye bye silly girl.. Until next time. "

I woke up and say not again. Why did I do this? I feel exhausted. I don't understand. I want to. Anyone else this impulsive? 