i have been on this earth for almost 25 years and have accomplished nothing.

i have zero friends and nobody in my family understands how or why i could be so sad and lonely as they just think my life is perfect.

i’ve been in a relationship for almost 5 years now and i want to leave but i don’t know how (finances, housing, my dogs, etc etc etc)

my childhood trauma is coming back strong after getting confirmation that my mother is using drugs again.

i will soon be 25 and raising my 14 year old sister (because of my mom).

i have talked to my therapist about my passive suicidal thoughts and all she can do is refer me to a psychiatrist for medication treatment. i accepted because i feel like it’s my only hope at feeling normal. my official diagnoses this far are depression, anxiety and ptsd.

i know i have to stay alive for my sister. i googled things related to suicide the other day and now i think back on it, i’m scared of what i may be capable of when i’m not in a good state of mind. i texted the suicide hotline and the response felt so scripted, so i just deleted the thread out of hopelessness. i don’t want to tell my therapist about the things i googled because i’m scared of what will happen.

thank you for allowing me to vent