There's a tl;dr at the bottom since it got long.

I had a crisis this year that made my symptoms regress and intensify a fair amount which is a pity because I'd gotten pretty far.

I've mostly been having problems with impulse control which tends to be triggered by anxiety. So I've been managing my anxiety mostly and trying my best with my impulses. 

Today nothing I could do could untangle my anxiety. I had a bad situation/perception issues last night during a work thing and a horrible dream involving my fp which I'm sure triggered it. 

So I've been getting frustrated with my fp and how we're managing our situation. I always feel like he doesnt actually want me in his life which isn't entirely inaccurate since we split up months ago and it's a difficult situation. I texted this morning inviting him around for when he has to come to my area for an unrelated thing and didn't get a reply in his usual lunch time. I don't want to deal with the struggle anymore and I nearly texted him with 'you really don't seem to want to be friends and text me anymore so don't worry about it. I don't want to be in someone's life if they don't want me there'.

I didn't. I just decided to ignore it. I got a text 2 mins before the end of his lunch saying that he would like that and definitely will. Which eased my anxiety up a little.

It's not his fault that I'm anxious and he's not obligated to reply during his lunch time. He only gets 30 mins and I get if he doesn't feel like texting - he doesn't really like texting in the first place so I really shouldn't take offence if he only gets back to me that night instead. 

How much would I have wrecked the relationship if I had texted that? Quite a bit. So I'm very glad I didn't give in despite how crazy and tangled my head was getting! 

I just wanted to share a success. It might help someone out there with their own impulses and it helps me to write down and remember the success so I can try keep doing it.

Tl;dr: frustrated with fp (not his fault) and nearly impulsively texted him something relationship damaging but didn't. Happy about it and wanted to share. 