(i try not to ramble too much i hope, and not too sure if im on the right subreddit to post, so …)

i needed a job and an income, so i put aside my passion. i honestly wasn't sure what i wanted to be. one thing that crossed my mind was AutoCad &amp; Revit which i studied back in school.

this is my first (2yr contract) job. its almost two years, how time passed. i decided to give a try as an MEP BIM drafter because why not? maybe it will be a good start to build up my experience. also following my dad's engineering footsteps for no particular reason. well, after two months of software training and getting assigned to my first attachment, i was crumbling my way to devastation.

(for someone who started a late career in his late 20s, i've never understood a single thing about work culture. there's so much to learn how office life works, even up to this point. and going beyond working hour became a habit, wow.)

so there i was in my first assignment (MEP). first day was familiarising the standards, so far so good. until they got me started on their real life project. i felt timid, unsure what's to be done (thought it was right, but always turned out wrong). i do ask too much questions just to make myself clear but i still repeat the same mistakes. i did have a colleague back then who i could work with, in a way he's my only support. then one day, he got kicked out, i started to feel worst. it was at this moment where i questioned myself, "is this job even right for me?". until one point i really couldn't take it anymore, i asked for replacement. i've been told my contract here was 3 months, so i've been "waiting for the right time". i end my journey here.

second assignment, i was working on Structural instead of MEP. apparently it wasn't that bad, i somehow did my job well enough. at this moment i felt a bit easy to myself. but after 3 months they decided to let me go because covid. project was going slow, or so im told.

currently on my third assigned attachment, which is similar to the first (MEP). kinda feel a bit relaxed at first, but i was progressive into a breakdown in my first 3 months. afterward, i slowly decide to ignore my mental state and just work my way through. it's been a year here, &amp; they've been planning to have me on board as permanent staff. but deep down i told myself that i want to move on for something else.


i guess i've experienced enough of this to the point of losing myself. i really need to sit down and think through where i will land up. what im hoping for after this mess is to find myself for my well being first. and find a different job that suits my purpose.

if you made it to this point, thanks for reading even if it's a bit too long, i hope someone have gone through the same as i do.