My sister is getting married in August. She’s asked me and middle sister to be maids of honour which we agreed to. But she also wants her dad to walk her down the aisle.

This man is my sperm donor but I have not called him dad in over 20 years and I haven’t spoken to him in about 12 now. He made my childhood hell. I thought I’d dealt with the emotions but I’m realising now all I did was bury them and hope I never saw him again.

Just the thought of being in the same hotel as him makes me feel ill. Thinking about watching him walk her up the aisle, giving a speech about how much he ‘loves his girls’ gives me panic attacks.

The anxiety’s been building for a couple of months now and is to the point where I had to call off work sick last week (first time in 9 years) and go to A&amp;E as I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. They gave me the all clear and referred me back to my GP. I’ve got an appointment for Monday and I’m going to ask about options for medication/therapy etc.

But I don’t know what to do about the wedding. I love my little sister. I want to be there to cheer her on, see her in her dress, celebrate with family etc. But I don’t think I can be in a room with him. He has already told little sister that if I don’t talk to him before the wedding he ‘will kick off’.

Laying in bed at 5am writing this. Another night with only a couple of hours sleep. Any advice or just a hug appreciated.