So last year in the middle of Corona I (29M) applied for a new job, my previous job was dead end and the job I applied for was a complete shot in the dark but it put me on a career path (Law enforcement) that I thought I really really wanted.  It was in my field of study and would put me on track.  I knew the job would involve relocating, long hours, and stress, and I thought everything would be fine.  I went through a battery of interviews, polygraph testing, medical testing, all requirements for the job, and 2 months ago I got the call that I had received a position and was given a date to start my 6 month long training.  I was ECSTATIC!  I was so happy, FINALLY after YEARS of slaving at dead end jobs and YEARS of rejection from lesser paying positions I HAD FOUND IT!  I DID IT!  It took a year of effort but I had overcome and was able to spit in the face of those who said I couldnt do it or wouldnt make it.  I had some family and friend get togethers to send me off and packed my life away in boxes for storage, taking only what I needed to training (out of state).  After roughly 14 hours I had arrived at training, went through the mandatory COVID quarantine and went through processing.  So far I have been out about 2 weeks at this point, and I am falling apart.  For clarity's sake  I am not going to hurt myself or others, I am not suicidal and do not have any history of self harm.

It started sometime last week, maybe Monday or Tuesday? I cant recall exactly, but I realized that I couldnt decompress and my normal routes of relieving stress (music, games, movies, etc) were not doing ANYTHING.  I went to breakfast one day and my right hand could not stop shaking, and that FREAKED me out, I have INCREDIBLY steady hands and never had any history of anxiety or anything but all of a sudden I feel like I cant do anything.  My hands wont stop shaking, my mouth is constantly dry and seizing up, and within the last few days I have somewhat started to randomly break down and burst into tears which is also completely unheard of from me, I only really ever cry at funerals but now its happening every day multiple times a day and I cant find a solution which only makes it worse.  

Im very much a "logical problem solver", I see a problem and I work to a solution.  But to this problem? I have no solution, I feel stuck, lost, and that every turn is just another mistake.  My last job? i got a bit down and "comfy" working for peanuts in a small business, kind of a waste.  But I feel that I made too big of a change and too impulsively.  I threw my hat in the ring for this job out of spite from my last job, my boss was a real dick and one day we had a bit of a spat and out of anger I filled out this application and a year later wound up with the job.  I knew that it meant relocation to the other half of the country, but now its just clicking that I dont really want to live there, I have nothing there, nobody there, and it feels like this looming doomsday timer that as soon as my "clock" (training time) strikes zero I will have wasted this 6 months and be shoved into a job I dont know if I even want anymore.  They keep hammering in that if we werent meant to pass through our training and didnt have potential we wouldnt be here, and I agree, and its the first positive thing I have heard about myself professionally in the last probably 6-7 years, and it hurts so bad to FINALLY hear that about myself and then look at myself in the mirror and see this frozen mess of a man. Getting this far has taken me about 20 minutes because I just keep breaking down, thank you for bearing with me so far.

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The company's resiliency and assistance program stopped by for a presentation to us yesterday, the entire 2 hour presentation I had to use ALL of my mental capacity to NOT break down into a pile on the floor, and they encouraged us to talk to them which I plan on doing today but their end goal is to not only help us but to retain us, and if this job and training are destroying my mental well being I dont want to be retained.  One of the things they mentioned was taking a day during the weekend to decrompress and relax and do what we want, but everything that I did back home that brought me joy just brings me more anxiety.  I dont have fun playing video games anymore and I made sure to bring a laptop with me that was capable of playing some of my recent favorites.  TV and movies just feel like a complete waste of time and shows that I was in the middle of watching I cant seem to be interested in enough to watch 10 minutes of the next episode.  

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I feel like I made this decision out of pure impulse and the "end" of it (getting the job) and all that entailed with it (relocation, training, etc) were ignored because it seemed so far away, i knew the process would take MINIMUM a year and that was IF i would have even gotten the job, and all the steps in between were just whatever.  Oh I need to submit a physical? Thats fine I had to get one this year anyways.  They want to test my vision? Actually I havent been to the eye doctor this year either so again two birds one stone, neat.  And that just kept going until about 2021 where the pace picked up and things got more serious and then BOOM I have the job.  Ive talked with my family about this and looked for advice and we talked for a while and came to the conclusion that I should wait a bit, go through this a bit more and make a more informed decision when I have more information.  If my impulsiveness was the problem and got me to where I am, and leaving here would be an impulsive decision, that would not necessarily benefit my situation and I could regret having left.  But I cant seem to destress or relax and it just feels like its driving me mad, I have NOTHING to do today, I was planning on taking the WHOLE day to do whatever I wanted for HOWEVER LONG I wanted but ive now spent about 35 minutes writing this, I tried to play video games but it just felt like a waste of time.  

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I dont know how to fix this and I really feel like its breaking me apart and is going to ruin me.  I cant really think of any way to shorten this for a tldr so if you have read this whole thing i really am sorry to have gone on so long and thank you, please help me.