Hello everybody,

I'm a confident, happy dude when I'm by myself, single. I'm very friendly. I've no problems making friends. When it comes to dating, I've always met girls to just have sex with them. However, I reach a point where I can say I catch feelings with a girl and the thought of losing her just pops up in my mind, and then I don't know if I want to remain single or be in a relationship. This time the suffering is unbearable. It happened when this girl I was meeting went away on an exchange program. Before that, I must say, I was not thinking about any commitment. In fact, it wasn't until this other girl reached out to me (who I planned to have sex with, by the way) that I feared losing her by catching feelings with this new girl, and THEN everything started going downhill. 

Now, everything associated with her and a "serious" relationship gives me anxiety. What's funny is that she is going to be away for a long time, but the thought of being in a relationship is just too suffocating. I doubt I'll want to be in one. I doubt whether I want to have sex with other girls and whether I wouldn't want to if I get in a relationship with her. Like, I wanted to have sex with other girls previously while I was with her, why wouldn't I want to still do it when she comes back? Because I feel in love? (which I can say now I do). Even if an open relationship is a permanent relationship "set up" I'm not sure if I want it because I would be jealous. The thought and feeling of cutting contact with her and never ever talk to her again is still as strong as the day the fear kicked in four months ago. I've tried no contact but I couldn't last more than two weeks. I feel bad if she's happy; I feel comforted if she's sad; I feel that whatever she accomplishes, hurts me. I actually wish she wasn't that pretty (and she's beautiful). I want to keep talking to her, but, if she told me to stop texting, I would feel relief, sad but relieved. In spite of all that, I feel I love her. I become this self destructive entity when I feel in love, it seems. I feel I cannot sustain a relationship and I need to lose her, but I don't want that and don't ever feel I can forget her either. I'm so trapped I've had suicidal ideations, too

Could this be a BPD? Has anybody experienced something similar? The excruciating pain and suffering I'm going through is out of this world, and I believe this has to be something more than OCD, which I suspect I have.