Idek I just need to get this out 

They are states away but I ruined the best relationship ever 

They didn’t tell me they couldn’t deal with me they lied and told me they would always be there and be with me up until the day they broke it off 

We were fine laughing and joking then they ended it over a call

They ended it and the guilt is consuming me I feel so awful 

I cannot speak to her and I cannot apologise one last time 

I apologised all the times I’d done wrong 
But I guess she couldn’t handle it anymore and just left 

Just like that 

We were ok then she left 

She said we cannot speak 

I don’t have real answers as to why she did what she did so I can only guess that it’s due to me and my BPD 

I’m in therapy and have been pretty much since we got together but I guess I didn’t work hard enough and didn’t get better soon enough and fucking hell I am hanging on by a thread 

We were going to travel to the UK next year we had it all planned and just had to book the flights 

We had our whole life planned 

We were going to get married and get many pets and grow old together and fuckkkk I’ve ruined it all 

All because I cannot regulate my emotions which now seems so simple 

I got so angry and would have outbursts 

It’s really bad and unacceptable behaviour I know 

It would say mean things and run away 

I would always come back but I guess I did too much damage time and time again 

I probably made her extremely anxious all the time as she suffers from anxiety 

I wish she had told me how she was feeling 

I wish she hadn’t lied 

My whole body hurts and I cannot stop thinking about it all 

Nothing I do is helping or distracting me 

I’m a real mess and I have to deal with my actions now 

I’m a horrible toxic mess and I’ve ruined the best thing ever 

I always have been 

I cannot believe I believed her when she said she would never leave me and that she understood my mental health 

I can’t deal with the hurt I’ve caused her 

I’ve deeply hurt the best person I’ve ever met 

I can’t deal with the fact that she’s done and we are no more 

I want to say sorry one more time 

I want to speak to her but cannot 

We didn’t get to speak it just happened so quickly 

I can’t stop thinking about what she is probably telling her friends and family about me when they don’t know my side 

I’m torn to bits 

What can I do to get by I need help please I need to talk to someone or something I need something right now I cannot cope with the guilt 

I’m such a horrible person fuck my life 

I don’t know how to get over this 

I’ve ruined my life 

I’ve hurt the best most perfect person ever