I have no friends or acquaintances. I'm 22. Online college. Live at home. I have a boyfriend, but if I were honest with myself, I think I should end it. But then I'd truly have no one, outside of my family, to talk to. My boyfriend listens to me and takes interest in things that I like. He cares about me. I would miss him, but I'd miss those feelings more. I'd miss having someone ask how I'm doing. I'd miss the comforting hugs. I'd miss having someone to run errands with.  

My relationship doesn't make me very happy, but I'm afraid that I'd be even more sad, without it. I'm afraid of the pain of a breakup. Of getting close to someone and then losing them. Of the lack of physical closeness to another human. 

I know it sounds horrible to say this. It isn't fair to him. It's not like I don't like him. In fact, I thought for a while there that I loved him. I would like to be his friend, but that might just be painful for the both of us. Also, I feel like I cannot maintain friendships due to my mental (&amp; physical) illnesses. All my friends end up leaving me, or I take some space bc to deal with my own issues and they get angry and don't let me back into their lives. 

Depression is so lonely and painful. I'm willing to stay in a relationship that I know isn't the best for me just to feel less alone in the world. How selfish. It makes me feel disgusted with myself, and I won't let it go on any further. But I know it will be agonizing when I end it.