Ok, so TLDR, I'm terrified I've got cancer and can't stop crying.

Bit of back story.  I'm very much my mother's child.  I have the same look, same health problems she had, and even the same mental fuck ups.  (She used to cross the street to avoid having to talk to people she knew)

She died in her 50's of cancer.  As did every single one of her family.  Her dad, her brothers, everyone.  One of my uncle's made a joke about making it to 59 before he got sick.  Said he though he might beat it, but failed.

So.  I'm 53 now.  (I know, old shit!). And i have a bloody discharge from my nipple.  I've seen my doc.  I have an appointment for diagnostic testing etc.  But it's 2 weeks before i can get in due to Covid.  I know that there is very little chance it's cancer.  Probably something else.

But see, here's the thing, why does it matter?  I watched my mother fight this shit for a year.  Held her hand while she puked her guts up from chemo.  Trimmed what hair didn't fall out during radiation.  Begged her to just try and eat something.  She lived 8 months from her initial diagnosis.  She was miserable the last three.  She had two surgeries, chemo, radiation, etc etc etc.  They said she only had 6 months if she didn't do anything.  So all that pain and fear won her 2 months.  And she was sick and miserable from the treatment for most of it.

I swore i would never do that.  I watched all my family go through it over and over.  I can't.  But now my husband won't listen.  He asks me to try.  I've promised to find out and listen to the Dr.  But how do i know?  How much is to much?

It's it even worth getting tested?  I mean.  I guess so.  If it's not cancer, i should get it treated.  But how do i get my brain to stop freaking?  Why is this my life?

If you read this, thank you.  Go hug your loved ones, or your dog, or something.  Life is so fucking scary.  How do we make to keep going every day when there is shit like this?  I'm sure things will look better in the morning.