I'm 17 turning 18 this year. I'm a junior in high school and while I havent been properly diagnosed, I believe I have depression and anxiety, with only learning that I might have BPD a few weeks ago. I met my FP at the beginning of high school and from their we became close friends. We would hang out after school and occasionally play video games. At some point I fell in love with her, and later aksed her out but she said that she used to have feelings too but later decided we were better off as friends and so she forced herself to lose them. I still havent been able to get over her. Last year, I had moved, and throughout the moving process I vented to her and a few other close friends i made about my worries about them leaving me. They all told me they wouldnt and later I had moved to another city. As time went on I slowly lost each one of them, from either not keeping in touch, or just them being too frustrated with me thinking they no longer cared or that they were gonna leave. My FP stayed the whole time and tried to help me. After the move she had told me about how much I made her suffocate and the pressure she had to no longer hurt me. I decided that we should take a break from talking and she agreed. I told her to take as much time as she needed and a week or two later she texted me again. I thought things were gonna get better but a month ago she started being distant and it tormented me, to the point where I asked a mutual acquaintance to see if she was distant with them too,but he had told me that she wasnt and was acting normal. She found out about me asking and got understandably mad, with her telling me she was being that way to cope with her still feeling suffocating, pressured, and frustrated that I wasnt healing or changing after I had told her that I would. She then told me she didnt think we could continue being friends and so I asked to take a month of some can both try to heal. She agreed,but two weeks ago I just snapped and vented on social media on a private account only she had access too (she thought other people had access to it too however) about everyone leaving me, and how alone i was and those type of things. She took it as me not healing or changing and so yesterday she told me she no longer wanted this friendship. She apologized multiple times and just said she couldn't anymore. I begged her to stay but she didnt budge. She started explaining that I had made her depression worsen and that I had caused her emotions and mental state to become unstable. I respected her decision but I still tried hard to convince her to stay,but she said goodbye and later I sent her a message thanking her for everything, apologizing for whta I had done, and said my goodbye. She said thanks for understanding and I hope you have a good life. Now I'm lost. I'm in so much pain and I havent been able to stop crying. Everything feels so numb but im still in so much pain. This is so surreal and i dont know what to do. She promised she wouldnt leave and apologized for breaking that promise and I just feel so empty, I feel so guilty, I feel so frustrated, I need help. I had signed up for therapy and I showed her before this happened that I did, I had told her about the possibility of me having BPD but she coudlnt wait long enough for me to finally heal properly. Please give me any advice or ways to cope,I feel like in dying. I dont know when the therapy would start. Please help me.