since BPD is not curable I feel like there's nothing else much to do. there's no solution and I can never have a full quality of life. sure it's not north korean bad but it's probably not that far off from it. 

I don't know what to do. Obviously my natural instinct is to drown it out with alcohol but been off that for almost half a year now. 

I am so sick of suffering. so sick of smallest things just causing suicidal thoughts.

if i had a gun nearby I'd probably used it during one of my phases. today I flew into a rage because I realized I'm a piece of shit just like my dad tormenting my family. I care about them so much and I was so determined to not be like him but well guess the DNA fucking can't be erased and I just lose it the smallest things and my family definitely don't deserve this treatment. I feel like I should've offed myself long time ago.

I feel like the desire to not exist seems like a great fucking thing. I think about it almost daily. I'm utterly useless, I am pretty much good at nothing and I just hate, I hate that I have to live for nothing. It's too much pain and I want it all to end. 

I've experienced death before at a young age from an accident and since then I've always thought about it. The calm nothingness. There's no reincarnation no soul trapped as quantum information in another dimension floating around. You become one with the rest of the universe, absolute nothing, a zero.

Why should we keep on going pretending like things are going to get better? Why do we keep believing that lie? it's such a cruel trickery.