I'm 17 M and I guess I'm depressed. So this is just gonna be a huge dump so strap in. Or don't i dont really care. When i was 2 years old my dad died of an opiate overdose, i dont think it really affected me because i was too young to actually know him, but i always knew it affected my family and growing up i knew i reminded them of him. when i got older at about 8 my mom had gotten this new boyfriend who ill call james. james was an alcholic and would get drunk and violent. i wouldn't say he beat me all the time but he definitley hit me a lot more than other kids would, i remember i used to think that if i didn't cry when he hit me that i would almost be winning, like he wasnt affecting me. and ive stuck with that mentality. evantually he came and went and then it was just me, my mom, my brother, my sister, and my grandpa. when i hit 7th grade my grandpa died and he was the only admirial father figure ive ever had in my life. he went to work at a non-union construction site and got paid 12/hr his whole life and all he ever did was come home and drink and watch tv. but when he died i went into a shock almost, i feel like thats where everything started. after he died i started to smoke weed and drink a lot. and i mean a lot. the next year after that my sisters best friend died. which almost definetly affected her more but still pilled onto me. i hated myself, i attempted suicide by jumping off the roof ofmy house but didnt even get hurt, and i live in a tall ass two-story house. freshman year a girlfriend came and went and i didnt feel any different. but then i met a new girl who ill call maxy. maxy was a girl who lived in my town but i never met her because she did online school, but i found out who she was through mutual friends. when we met we clicked instantly and quite litteraly hung out for two weeks straight with no breaks no nothing. eventually we came to date and when we started dating i had girls on my snapchat who had kept me company while i was single. no sexual contact just messages and pictures. i know its selfish but i kept them anyway, and only talked to them occasinally. these were girls who lived states away and who i barely knew. but karma is a bitch. and maxy found out. we went on a break and then got back together. one weekend we wanted to throw a party, and i had just happened to have sum acid (my drug use started to go up at about this time) but i was tripping and got really drunk too, and that night while i was passed out in her living room she fucked my bestfriend. i didnt find out til two days later when her friend called me and told me that maxy had told her. but when i confronted her she claimed it was rape, but her friends showed me the messages where maxy said the sex was good. she convinved me to stay with her though (im a fucking idiot) until one night she ditched me in the next town over while she went to do coke with another one of my best friends. so i flipped out an dumped her. about a week later a festival comes into town and i decied to go to clear my head, well i met this girl who was almost 20 and by then i had just turned 17, she invited me to her house and i went there and fucked her. and me and her fucked until last december. when she cheated on me with another one of my best friends. im heartbroken, im tired. i've dropped out of school. i want to die so bad. and all this is just 1% of it. i've bottled my emotions my whole life and i don't know how to start getting better. i just wish i could afford therapy or had friends who are there for me. i have no one left. i feel like ive never had anyone, ive never talked about my emotions. idk what to do. please help

tldr: boo hoo little cry baby doesnt know how to discuss emotions and wants reddit to fix it