I've been making steady, continuous progress as far as my goals go, but that's easy to do without a fp. And when my depression isn't acting up. Plus one of the medications I'm on helps me with my executive dysfunction. I can *do* and accomplish a lot. It's my emotional state that's getting to me. 

I swear if I ever get fired from my job it's going to be because I decked one of these asswipes in the face. Man I don't even care if I go down, I'll go down swinging. Besides I have this weird thing about wanting to get the shit beat out of me, but that's probably got more to do with self-harm than anything else. 

Speaking of self-harm, anyone ever try to initiate relationships they don't really want just to create the self-fufilling prophecy of rejection and abandonment, as a way to punish and remind yourself of how unloveable you are? 

Probably sounds weird, Ik, but I do this thing where all of my relationships aren't relationships they're just lessons. (And I use the term "relationship" very loosely here). 

Lessons about why I shouldn't be vulnerable.
Lessons about the love I don't deserve to have. 
Lessons about how bad and awful I truly am.

And I am bad and awful, aren't I? Inherently broken. No good. 

Is it my illness or is it me? Do they blend? Is there a difference? 

Probably not. 

From birth to grave; I am unwanted. 
