i, 21m, am in love with my fp. she’s been my best friend for a few years now. we talk everyday ... blah blah you get it. 

i know she doesn’t feel the same way about me. and that’s fine (well, right now it’s fine lol... later I’ll be crying about it). i just don’t even know how to think about this girl anymore. one minute i can accept the fact that we should stay friends, the next ... it’s paralyzing. i spend hours ruminating on why she isn’t responding “did she find out im in love with her?” “she hates me and is ignoring me on purpose” “her phone is probably sitting on her lap and she sees my notification but ... *locks phone* I convince myself she’s flirting with my other friends, or that she’s talking shit about me to them as well. I have panic attacks thinking about losing her so instead I end up ignoring her... or my texts are very very shortly worded. I feel numb at that point, just trying to mask how I truly feel and keep acting “normal”/distant so I don’t scare her away. The hardest part is getting so upset, or being on the verge of tears and not being able to tell her .... of all people, it unlocks a rage in me. It’s not even that I’m scared to admit feelings, it’s this constant voice in my head saying “if you tell her how she affects you mentally she’s going to think you’re a freak..... don’t admit to her that you’re obsessing over her or else she’ll never talk to you again” .... and then the spiraling continues. I feel empty (more than usual) ... she’s reallyyy taking a toll on me. My own mind is taking a toll on me. 

Fuck this