TL;DR — Don’t let me see her in that wedding dress or find out her last name has changed, because I’m afraid that’ll finally destroy my will to keep living

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Hi mom

You’re still here. You’re the best person ever. Honestly, you’re the only reason I’m still alive.

As you know, she’s long gone. You have an idea of what her absence has done to me, but I don’t know how people are able to go about their lives after being shattered the way I have.

I’m in so much mental pain. Every day I somehow manage to feel more empty than the day before. I doubt I’ll ever find the “courage” to shorten my time on this earth, but just know that if I’m ever taken sooner rather than later, you can take comfort in knowing I’ll finally be at peace.

You’re well aware why I feel this way. Despite the way everything has unfolded, I miss her every day. Unfortunately, I often wish by some miracle she’d come back, and that is my problem. I don’t know how to forgive and let go.

I’m trying to focus on who’s in my life, what I have, and the hobbies and interests that shaped my identity. But luckily you know why it’s not that simple and never will be.

I’m so empty. I feel defeated. Me still being alive is a miracle, but at least I was given your strength to keep living, and to stop myself from wanting to know how she’s doing.

Though If I ever cave to curiosity, or somebody else makes the fatal mistake and allows me to see her in that wedding dress, that’s going to be what finally takes away any will I have left to live.