Just had wonderful, intimate time with my partner and after we laid down to sleep all I could think about was ending my life. 

I’ve sought out treatment at the psychiatric hospital three times, been through three IOP programs, and have had two completed rounds of TMS. 

Every time I get better I stop taking my meds and get to feeling this way again. It’s just a matter of time. 

What’s the point of fighting it anymore? I sob thinking about living a life of constantly wishing I had a way out and not being able to enjoy the present moment with the people I love. And let me be straight- the people I love are the ONLY reason I’ve made it this far. Had I no support, I would’ve been long gone. 

I’m just at a point of giving up. I’m failing to see the beauty or value in any of this.