My father is emotionally handicapped. He always has been. 

He used to beat the shit out of me when I was a teenager which damaged our relationship ever since. I had to leave home at 16 because of that. My step mother words at the time: "you can't stay here living with us, or either one of you is going to die". 

Almost 15 years later and I still I feel anxious and not comfortable around him and I know he can sense that. I think deep down I'm still petrified and scared of him. I feel like a little boy that he constantly judges  when I am around him. 

But I also know he feels bad and guilty for what he did to me as he constantly tries to gaslight me by minimizing what happened or saying it was my fault because I was a difficult kid. He never say sorry. He always try to justify what he did.

Also, I don't respect him much as a person. He can be racist, mean, condescending, with a superiority complex. He always put me down every time he opens his mouth. 

I only accept to see him or pick up the phone once in a while out of pity and guilt, because I also live in his old apartment, and therefore don't pay the rent. 

He called me 3 days ago but I sent a text saying I was busy, and he then messaged 2 days ago: "I'm coming back to the country in July... And I will be in (insert city name) on the 9th of July, can we see each other? It will be on a Sunday... " 

I still haven't answered but his message breaks my heart regardless of everything. I feel lots of pity for him. Considering he also destroyed his relationship with my sister and hasn't seen her for years. He is a very lonely old man...