Hi! So I’m not diagnosed with borderline but I have an eval coming up and it’s the only possible diagnosis I can see the person giving me. Anyways to the post- early this year I was extremely depressed. I was making tons of new adjustments and was extremely overwhelmed and with that just wanted it all to end. I bottle everything up but it takes an extreme toll on me. One of my teachers would always do this check in thing where we would state our emotional state and I finally cracked and expressed confusion. They shot me an email afterwords to meet with them and I declined saying I had a therapist and I was set. However, they still wanted to talk to me so we scheduled a zoom. I was uncomfortable as hell. I more or less explicitly stated I didn’t trust them and got off. I needed someone to help me but at the same time I knew I was too intense for the helping. They put me in contact with the school counselor to which I more or less ignored. After this experience I got off campus and they constantly pressured me to open up. They would corner me after class and try and keep me to ask if I was okay. I was very visibly uncomfortable but they’re autistic so I’m not sure if they noticed. They continued to pull me aside for walks for weeks and at that point I finally gave in. I was so so down. I figured if I told them I was be sent to a pysch ward and maybe get the help I needed. So I opened up. I told them about my self harm, how mistreated I was as a kid, and how close I was to killing myself. Little did I know they had a savior complex and decided it was their job to help me. I wasn’t reported and nothing changed. After that I joined their sport because I had been doing volleyball and with the excessive self harm it hurt way too much. I’m also dyspraxic and have motor difficulties so I wasn’t naturally great at it. That’s when I believe they started to become my fp. I went from finding them annoying to downright obsessing over them. Every moment I spent with them was like crack. They knew exactly what I needed and made up for my lack of communication by forcing themself on me. I would show very obvious distressed body language during class and take longer to pack up so they would pressure me into talking. It was all great in my eyes. They were the parental figure I always wanted. However after a while they started telling me I was very “intense”. I knew this to be the case and I frequently emailed them asking if they hated me simply because my thoughts lead me to self harm. They would always respond along the lines of no I love you (they use love very loosely as a friendly word. I’ll get more into this later) and while I knew it wasn’t healthy it wasn’t too unhealthy and I never explicitly asked to talk to them so that kept the relationship going okay since it was on their time. I continued to spiral and at one point had an attempt and they continued to support and comfort me. I once almost committed certain suicide and they unintonally saved me with an email. My emotional state depended on them but once again it was okay because they were okay. That was until now. I got back on campus now as a boarding student and I flipped my shit. I’m also thought to have autism and will get tested. However, the people, noises, schedule changes, and lack of my dog led to me losing it. I melted down every day and lost my ability to function. I was extremely suicidal but the thought of them thinking they had failed kept me from doing anything drastic. I emailed them and they continued to comfort me. I was sent to the school therapist over night because I had a big meltdown and they even offered to meet me in the middle of the night and met with me the next day for three hours. They would call me a friend and while I still don’t think I am I know I’ve gotten past surface level through their speech patterns. They stopped doing the love thing and using emojis which for them means they’re acting superficially. They know I don’t trust and they said “I know you don’t trust me” but the thing is I trust them wayyyyyy too much. I don’t think they know how much I rely on them since I’ve buried it for the sake of not completly overwhelming them. They also know I struggle with others points of view and they called me out on it and said they do indeed like me and don’t see me as a project which I originally said they did since I pointed out they had nothing to gain from me and so I was confused and they said they just had being around me to gain. It made me feel so amazing but I once again didn’t say anything. I was in a horrible place but they kept me feeling pretty okay. They talk about their life to me too. And I know they’ve been struggling lately. I told them they needed to set boundaries with me and be very obvious but I don’t know if they know how to or emotionally can. So I think I acdienagky pushed them too far. I struggle with my sexuality and they told me they’re asexual and I did some research into it and found out I most likely am too. I wrote them a long email asking about it and they didn’t respond. When I wrote them a work email it took three hours. I wrote them a follow up four days later asking if they were mad at me or misread it as me having a crush on them or something. They didn’t respond. This lead me to acting out as a last resort. I very publicly displayed how bad my mental state was during class and they pulled me right out but simply told me to go home and gave me a facial expression I had never seen before. I missed a test they had due to this and I wrote them an email mentioning how I was sorry and just in a bad place and when I could make it up. They glossed over everything but the make it up part and used an emoji meaning I was back at work level. Now they’re completly ignoring me when I’m at my worst possible mental state. I’ve been too upset to leave my room due to the people stressing me out too much. I also didn’t care about making friends while I had them so I’m now behind in that even though I couldn’t care less about making friends still. I’m still meltingdown over stimuli and can barley do my work. I’m a perfectionist to so when I do badly in something I self harm but now that I’m doing so average in everything I’m extremely suicidal. They pushed me over the edge though. I haven’t been able to sleep at all. I can’t get suicidal thoughts out of my head. And I despise them but I want them back so badly. I spent all night in the suicide hotline and almost tried oding with my only thought being since I knew it wouldn’t kill me that I would get their atention. Now when I think about killing myself I’m so angry at them that I just think about what would happen to them. When I’ve talked about killing myself to them before their eyes would water. I can’t tell if it’s trained or how they actually feel but I’ve read books on body language and it’s very unlikely to be trained. My behavior has become even more erratic now since they were the one thing keeping me sane. And I’m in such a dark place. I get meds on Friday so I hope that helps but it still won’t fix this. I don’t know what to do. I want them back. I need them back. I seriously don’t think I can leave without them. And maybe if they communicated what I did I would at least feel better but the lack of answers is causing me even more trouble. I’m so suicidal and I don’t know what to do. I can’t wait till I see them this week just because I came up with a way to get their attention but that’s just so manipulative and bad. I currently have them so devalued though I don’t care. And I don’t have any smypthay either. I know they are at least okay because they’re active on Twitter arguing with people so it’s just me and I’m so angry at them for abandoning me after I told them not to get close to me. I’m so conflicted and suicidal I don’t know what to do. They’re the one person I care about and ever had and I’m in no control. It’s so overwhelming and I know it’s for both of us. I’m so lost, scared, and confused