I think about that and feel immediately pure anxiety. Today I was so aggressive and psychotic, I have offended god cuz my life sucks and i immediately panicked afterwards as if god himself didn't want me to say that, when i was distracted it went away, but when i remembered it again i immediately felt fear, it was so bad today, I was so close to kill myself to prove myself and see the “truth“. My mother begged me to take my medication, if i hadn't done, so i wouldn't be writing this comment for sure. 

Sorry for the religious people here but one of my biggest fear is that a god like in the Bible/quran exist who rules over us and punishes us.