High functioning (25M) undiagnosed depression, anxiety and ED. Looking for ways to cope

I dont feel joy anymore. This is a little different from posts i see here but I “relatively” have good things going for me, started a company in my field that I’m passionate about and my peers look up to me but fuck… who gives a shit lol

Been suicidal since i’m 15. Every doctor and therapist has given me the most useless advice ever and I pretty much only find comfort in being high (weed or ket) 24/7 and getting my work done. Was prescribed attivan and got hooked immediately (it made me sleep and i have insomnia) and i almost died when i unintentionally mixed with alcohol

Even if I succeed in my field I feel like it’s all so pointless. Ok i have my dream job and maybe down the line some good income, but in the end what does it really mean if I constantly feel alone and want to die.

I can’t talk about it with most of my freinds save my one other suicidal friend bc they just ask “how???” “Really?? You??” And at that point my imposter syndrome kicks in and i play it off

If i had a gun (hard to find here) i prob wouldn’t be alive and it doesn’t even make me sad bc i’d be gone anyway

Looking for reasons to stay alive bc i am the eldest child of a large fanily and dont want to traumatize my younger siblings, they at least deserve that. Lmk what works for you