I'm trying to keep this as concise as I can.. some of my other troubles have been posted around but thats okay.

I met a girl back in July and I quit smoking cigs and decided id quit codeine addiction again, even though it was the only thing that kept me getting up in the morning and going to work and being a productive member of society it seems. Everything about the girl is amazing.. but since meeting her I've been splitting non stop, I just missed a month of work and thought I was getting back (was in almost all week) and then Thursday Friday I blew up again. I told my boss I'd be in 100% for sure on Friday and they were RELYING on me, and I just couldn't go.


She has two boys and I really like them and I really like her, but today is the santa claus parade and she wants me to go to her family dinner and meet her parents and then go to the parade and then in a few weeks we're all supposed to go tree hunting (something Ive never done)... It's her one sons bday on tuesday and I got him this fucking awesome lego joker car set I wanted to build with him and now I just wanna return it.. Her other son keeps asking her if I'm going to be his daddy, saying he wuvs me and all sorts of cute kid shit that hits you right in the feels and I know he's going to ask me next time I see him (eg today in front of family) and just likeeeee it's too much. It's too fucking much. I cannot fucking handle this.


I can't even envision myself and what Im gonna do a week from now. Why the fuck am I getting myself involved in a life long decision? What am I thinking? I can't fucking do this, not a chance. She's also got BPD and MDD and GAD and we're both a fucking mess and we both understand each other SO fucking well its absolutely insane.. but I'm more unstable than Ive been in years and Im in a position where like I have to make the most insane intense decision of my life and I just want to fucking hang myself


I cant handle this. I don't know what to do. I feel awful, I know my GF is fucking dying, shes blown my phone up like crazy. Fuck if I leave shes probably going to split and go try to kill herself like.. she does the full on dissociate black out shit and god only knows. But I can't agree to be her life partner and the father of her boys just to stop that? like wow I really want to just kill myself. what the fuck.


I miss being alone and not being bothered by anyone. I just want to fucking cry


