You know when you have a glass bottle and you throw it onto the ground, and it doesn’t break. How unsatisfying that feeling is. You need it to break. You want it to break. That’s how I feel. I need something bad to happen to me. I want it to happen. And I don’t know why. When I’m in pain I feel like I can finally breathe. I thrive in chaos. Of course I only thrive when that chaos is happening to me. I don’t know why. I feel like I’m standing on a frozen lake. No not standing, jumping. I’m jumping and I’m getting frustrated because I’m not falling through. I need to fall through and I don’t know why. Is this normal? No I don’t think it is. But it’s normal for me. Granted I think we already decided my normal is far from everyone else’s normal. I’m in this stage where I think I’m happy but I’m not entirely sure. I don’t think I know what true happiness feels like. And that’s okay. I’m fine with it. Because I don’t know if I want to be happy. I’m that type of person who hates when it’s sunny because I feel like I have some obligation to be happy when it is. Nobody is telling me I have to be when it is though. I guess that’s part of my fucked up mind telling me I have to be. I like when it’s storming. When there is a threat of danger. Maybe a flood. Maybe a thunderstorm. Maybe something catches on fire because of lightening. But I guess because my mind is so far off from everyone else’s that’s why I think that. I don’t know. I say that a lot. But I think it’s because I genuinely don’t know. And I hate not having answers because I always have answers. But when it comes to myself I’m fine with not figuring it out. I’m completely fine with it. Maybe because it’s genuinely because I don’t want to know. Maybe I’m okay maybe I’m not. I don’t think I want to be okay. Being depressed is a normal to me and I don’t like change. Maybe that’s why I want the ice to break. Maybe that’s why I want to fall through and freeze. I feel like if I do, I’ll find bliss. My long awaited death. And suffering. Is finally here. And I think that makes me happy. And I’m fine with that. You know when you have a glass bottle and you throw it onto the ground, and it doesn’t break. How unsatisfying that feeling is. You need it to break. You want it to break. That’s how I feel. I need something bad to happen to me. I want it to happen. And I don’t know why. When I’m in pain I feel like I can finally breathe. I thrive in chaos. Of course I only thrive when that chaos is happening to me. I don’t know why. I feel like I’m standing on a frozen lake. No not standing, jumping. I’m jumping and I’m getting frustrated because I’m not falling through. I need to fall through and I don’t know why. Is this normal? No I don’t think it is. But it’s normal for me. Granted I think we already decided my normal is far from everyone else’s normal. I’m in this stage where I think I’m happy but I’m not entirely sure. I don’t think I know what true happiness feels like. And that’s okay. I’m fine with it. Because I don’t know if I want to be happy. I’m that type of person who hates when it’s sunny because I feel like I have some obligation to be happy when it is. Nobody is telling me I have to be when it is though. I guess that’s part of my fucked up mind telling me I have to be. I like when it’s storming. When there is a threat of danger. Maybe a flood. Maybe a thunderstorm. Maybe something catches on fire because of lightening. But I guess because my mind is so far off from everyone else’s that’s why I think that. I don’t know. I say that a lot. But I think it’s because I genuinely don’t know. And I hate not having answers because I always have answers. But when it comes to myself I’m fine with not figuring it out. I’m completely fine with it. Maybe because it’s genuinely because I don’t want to know. Maybe I’m okay maybe I’m not. I don’t think I want to be okay. Being depressed is a normal to me and I don’t like change. Maybe that’s why I want the ice to break. Maybe that’s why I want to fall through and freeze. I feel like if I do, I’ll find bliss. My long awaited death. And suffering. Is finally here. And I think that makes me happy. And I’m fine with that.