Hello there, everyone. Two and a half years ago, [I made a post on this subreddit about how I suffered a lot of anxiety with the coming of the 2020s](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/emgsux/my_new_decades_anxiety/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3).

Thankfully, I've gotten over that, but over this past week I feel it's as if it's all coming back to me, over something extremely trivial.

But first, a quick background: 

* I'm 23 years old. I have Autism and ADHD. 
* I live with my parents and my grandmother, plus my twin sister who usually lives with her boyfriend but still drops by every now and then. I have two brothers, too. They live elsewhere, but still come over for events like Thanksgiving and Christmas. My grandfather also used to live with us, but he passed away this past September.
* I see two different therapists: A psychologist who I see every other Wednesday by myself, and every Friday for a group session; and a psychiatrist who prescribes me medication who I don't visit as often.
* I'm currently taking guanfacine for my ADHD, and until today I was also taking methylphenidate, but I stopped for reasons I'll explain in a little bit. I was also taking fluoxetine a when I wrote the link at the top of the page, but I have since stopped.
* I'm a fan of the Nickelodeon show The Loud House. For those who haven't heard of it, the series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children. The series currently has six seasons, with a seventh in production. 
* Now, I'm a fan who usually likes to draw fanart of the show on DeviantArt. I have a few headcanons regarding the show and its characters. Until a few weeks back.

Around May 15, I first read the announcement of an upcoming episode of the show called *Time Trap!*, which as of this writing will be airing this Friday night. The episode concerns the Loud kids smashing a priceless vase, so Lisa, one of the kids, invents a time machine and goes back in time to their parent's wedding to prevent them from getting the vase in the first place.

I've been worrying that some of my headcanons regarding the show - such as the kid's mother's maiden name - are going to be rendered outdated in the face of the episode's airing. **Now that sounds like something extremely stupid and trivial to be worrying about, and I just** ***know*** **it is.**

But while I was a bit worried when I first read the synopsis, I was still pretty normal for the next two weeks. However, this past Friday, May 27, my psychiatrist prescribed me some methylphenidate. This was supposed to help with my ADHD for reasons unrelated to anxiety. This was at the request of my psychologist, as I wasn't really paying much attention in her group chats.

At first, I took only 10mg on Saturday, followed by 20mg on Sunday and Monday, and 30mg on Tuesday and Wednesday. But throughout the week, my anxiety in regards to the episode became more and more severe, to the point where this morning I woke up a nervous wreck and even as I'm writing this my head feels like it's in a vice.

I read that one of the side effects of methylphenidate is increased nervousness, and part of me thinks that might have had something to do with my anxiety, which is why I stopped taking it... but another part of me thinks otherwise.

I can't do anything related to The Loud House at all - watching clips, reading articles on episodes, or doing fanart - or I'd get an uncomfortable sense of dread.

In fact, I feel as though my ADHD - which, ironically, the methylphenidate was supposed to *help* with - is actually  making it hard for me to get over my anxiety. Whenever I try thinking of something else, or try distracting myself, my mind keeps coming back to that one upcoming episode.

I even fear that once that episode airs on Friday and I see it, I won't get any peace of mind, and it'll be a proverbial weight on my shoulders for weeks or even months to come.

I just feel like my mind is an incomprehensible mess, and I'm stuck in a downward spiral I'll never get out. And all this over something that most people wouldn't give two shits about.

I've discussed how I've been feeling with my parents, my grandmother, and my two brothers and my sister. They're doing what they can to help me out. But I think the main problem is myself. It's like my mind doesn't want me to actually put the effort in getting out of this spiral I'm in.

I apologize if this is too much to read. I just hope that any of you here can make heads or tails of everything I just said.