Hey there,

I ‘broke up’ with my best friend, who I hav eno qualms calling my ‘favorite person, about a year ago and have been going through what I can only describe as love sickness. Sorrow, a constant pain in my chest, missing him with all my heart. And I just cannot get over him.

He was my best friend and near the end of our friendship he said that he always had the idea that I was secretly in love with him and was trying to drive him and his partner apart. I was shocked and confused by this, because I didn’t recognize myself as having anything more than deep feelings of friendship for him and wished nothing but happiness and prosperity to him and his partner. I certainly didn’t want to drive them apart.

Him saying these things to me and my confusion about why the hell this was all coming from unexpectedly even made me wonder whether *he* was actually the one who harbored secret feelings for me. We actually clashed pretty deeply on this and other issues. So hard that I decided to put some distance between us.

Yet, I’ve had time to think and feel since. What I’m going through right now DOES feel like I’m trying to get over a lover. But I’m just so confused. I wanted nothing beyond the bond that we had, which I experienced as a very deep and warm friendship (that lasted for almost 20 years). I also didn’t crave anything physical. And I was glad he was with the person he was with. No jealousy, no ill feelings of any kind. 

But I did seek an emotional connection that was somewhat on the lovers’ side. But what was that if it wasn’t romantic love? I think I *can* understand how that comes across as being ‘in love’ with someone. Yet that is not quite what it is. It’s something in between being friends and being in love.

Anyone know what I’m talking about? Because I wish I had a name for what I’m feeling. It might help me understand and process it better.