**Media**

I feel warm like I'm embarrassed and I’m that sinking kind of sad. I don’t know if it’s because I watched a movie (Life Partners) about a friend feeling like she was being left out after her best friend started dating someone or what. If I were in that situation, I know I would’ve let us grow apart and wouldn’t have forgiven her, even though she technically didn’t do anything. aofnjeof I hate feeling like this.

I get triggered by the most illogical things in movies and in TV shows. I remember watching Awkward. and being triggered by a cliche scheming girlfriend. As in, the kind that isn't supposed to be with the love interest because they're going to end up with the main character. She lied about her background and did everything in her power to make him like her.

**Nonsense**

I don't talk to anyone at the moment and I haven't been close to anyone since 9th or 10th grade (it's been a few years since I've graduated). I'm pretty sure I'd be shit at close relationships of any kind because I'll either get hurt by everything and **a)** bottle it up and silently die inside **b)** start to distance myself in an effort to make myself care less about them **c)** try to get 'back' at them by doing something to intentionally hurt them and then pretend I didn't know it would **d)** or stop talking to them without an explanation. I hate that I either feel nothing or feel everything intensely. I wish I could care without being obsessive. 

**Other Nonsense (FP)**

I have a cousin that used to be like my sister (she's my FP). I would always feel upset when she had to leave. There were little things that hurt me like when she got out of the pool to go to the bathroom and never came back outside. Probably half an hour passed before I went inside and asked her what happened and she just shrugged it off. 

She stopped visiting in middle school even when the rest of her family did. That's when everything at home started going south. After that, I decided I wasn't going to care about anyone. She would occasionally visit for holidays after a few years. Now, when she comes over, she tries to talk to me and make an effort (although she mostly talks about her interests). I went along with it up until recently. 

Her immediate family invited everyone when they went on vacation. We were there for three days. One of those days, I remember asking her about everything she was interested in.

I guess she took that as a cue to only talk about them. I stayed over her house for a while and watched her favorite show even though I didn't want because I knew it was toxic. I watched at least eight episodes and gave it a chance because she kept talking about it. She wouldn't accept that I didn't like that and insisted I watch it. We could talk about anything in the world and she'd interrupt to bring up those same three interests when they weren't relevant to the conversation.

On Christmas and her birthday, I went all out. I don't usually buy gifts, but that year, I wanted to. She didn't get me anything for either of those. This year, she gave me a card with $10 in it. I know I should appreciate that she got me something, but I would have preferred if she spent $10 on something she knew I liked rather than giving me money. I took it as a sign she didn't care. She probably couldn't get or make an actual item if she wanted to because out of all those times I listened to her, she never once asked what I liked. I feel like she's in a similar situation to me in other ways — one of those being that she doesn't have anyone to talk to.

I feel like she can't *really* be my favorite person since I don't want to make an effort anymore. At the same time, I want to move without telling anyone but the main thing that's making me reconsider it is I'm afraid she might hate me if I'm only willing to talk to her. 

**Misc**

I have this idea/delusion that I can move and start fresh; that if anyone makes me feel unwanted I can stop talking to them but I can still have functioning relationships. I don't know how to explain it but I feel like I could leave my BPD habits behind because I wouldn't have a history with anyone. There wouldn't be any hard feelings so I'd be more willing to work things out and it'd be easier.

**I'm not expecting anyone to reply to this so if you want to click the back button, don't feel obligated to comment. It just felt good to get this off my chest.**