On days like today, I know no amount of meditation/exercise/DBT or whatever is going to stop my inevitable hysterical 30 minutes of sobbing. I live in a fucking hellscape. My mom died in front of me naked of a drug overdose at 16 and I've had a thousand yard stare since and I CANNOT HANDLE BEING AWAKE.

Literally something as small as a bill from my suicide attempt will make me want to kill myself.

Everything will come at every angle... And then once a week I allow myself .5 mg Xanax and it stops. I process things like a normal person and can leave my house like a normal person. 

But I can't do that every day - I've been there. At 17 my doctor prescribed me 4 mg of Xanax every day. Probably why I'm like this. I went into seizures from WD.

What should I do? I only see one way out here and I can only hang on for so long. No, a hospital will not help. Seriously, a second hospitalization will make things 100x worse. 

And I just had therapy. and I'm on Seroquel, Lexapro, Buspar and Clonidine. Nothing helps. 

I don't understand why society doesn't accept that some people just really need to kill themselves. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't even if I wanted to.