Just needing to vent.
Every time I try to do better, I end up feeling the same. I'm over-weight and I tell myself that it's okay and I will start exercising and eating better but I have no motivation 99% of the time and I also every time I visit my dad, he is always telling me I need to drink water and he compares me to my sister who is the skinny one. I sometimes do starve myself for days and then I will binge.

I know I need professional help because I always have those bad thoughts that I'm not good enough, I'm too fat, everyone would be better off without me, I just want to kill myself, but I can't get help. I have no insurance and don't money to pay a hospital or a therapist. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this, my partner always gets upset when I do talk to them about it, and I don't have any friends. I've always been too sensitive, and every little thing just makes me think too much. I can never stay at a job for too long, people can be so fucking rude too you over nothing.

I've tried doing drugs and drinking but my body doesn't like to react to it how it should. It takes me double and triple the amount with drugs just too feel something that last more than a minute and I can drink all I want but my brain always has to ruin it. One minute I will be all drunk and happy and then the next I will be sober and in my head. 

I just want to die. I believe in God, and I pray to Him all the time to just let me come home to Him, but now I don't even want to do that because I feel like I'm disappointing Him or/ making Him annoyed. 

I tried killing myself three times but the only thing it did was make me feel like shit, I'm pretty sure I fucked up my kidney.

I don't know what to do anymore, I can't kill myself correctly and living just so hard, but then I feel guilty about feeling this way because I have so much when others have so little. And now I might be pregnant, I hungry and tired all the time now. I have to take another test in a couple days because the line was too faint. I don't want to bring a baby into this shitty world, plus being pregnant and depressed is bad for the baby.