I’m autistic and have bipolar 2. My bpd partner and I have been together for 2 years, but we only found out just earlier this year that my now fiancé has bpd. He’s been going to therapy ever since, and has continually improved significantly.

Lately, he’s been...different. He’s asexual, but has always still been physically intimate with me (we actually lived together for a whole year bc of an unpredictable chain of events). Something really weird is going on that I don’t know how to interpret where he seems less and less...protective and/or empathetic towards me, and increasingly distant.

According to him, everything’s fine and we’re still planning on spending our lives together, etc. but...his behavior lately is such a bizarre 180 from how we’ve been up until this point. I started googling around another level from where I have in the past (just looking into regular bpd).

I specifically looked into how it manifests based on gender, since I know men are in the minority for bpd diagnoses the same as women are for autism diagnoses. As an autistic women, I know a lot of studies, articles, and stereotypes about autism are strongly based in criteria that manifests in males that are entirely unrelateable and/or inaccurate for women with the same condition.

What I turned up...scared me. But I do know also that looking up mental health stuff usually turns up dramatic extremes that are’t entirely accurate and can be strongly biased. The main problem is...I recognize a lot of these behaviors listed, and I’m wondering...how unhealthy it may be for me to be doing what I’m doing.

In general I’ve across the board ended up in toxic relationships for far too long and been taken advantage of by people because of my autism being terrible at recognizing red flags. I dont want to say its always wrong or toxic to be with someone with bpd, because I’m sure people have said the same about autism and bipolar which is totally dumb and unfounded.

I’m sorry if anything here is ignorant, insulting, or offensive, I’m really not trying to argue any of these points...I’ve just...scared myself, and I’m looking to you guys to help talk me out of where my brain is troubled.

What I’ve had with my partner has been one of the most meaningful, positive, and gratifying things in my life, we’ve both seriously improved ourselves and each other together. I can’t stop loving him, but what I’m reading about is genuinely freaking me out.

We’ve both fought so hard and stuck together through thick and thin, I can’t imagine a life without him in mine. I’ve even reportedly heard from a fellow autistic women that bpd &amp; autie peeps are common and positive romantic partnerings. 


Does anyone have insight and advice on any of this? I just want to know and understand and do as much as possible to set the both of us up for success...and quell the growing fears I’m developing from reading all these articles by neurotypicals.

Tldr: Autistic bipolar 2 chick here with a bpd male fiancé. Relationship has been wack lately so researched bpd based on how it manifests specifically in his gender for the first time ever. The info freaked me out and scared me, wondering over toxicity/unhealthiness since I have a history of and am prone to staying too long in bad situations and not recognizing it because autism. Looking for info and advice on the topic from actual peeps with bpd to quell my fears, have a full and fair perspective, and continue to figure out the best game plan for the both of us.

Thanks so much! Hope this all made sense.