CW: mention of SI/SH

About a year ago my exes friend suddenly died and this changed my ex dramatically he cut everyone out of his life and the very last person that he had called to cut off was me. It was like just the day before we were planning trips to go on in the future, talking just fine and then all of a sudden poof it’s all ripped away from me over a friends death. 

I also cannot get over the fact that he did this over a phone call everything about how this ended felt so wrong to me. 

I begged him to please not cut me off and tried to explain to him that I would help him through it and how I believe this would bring us closer together. It didn’t work and eventually I was blocked on everything 

A few months later he actually ended up talking to me again for a couple months and I felt amazing but then that was ripped away from me again he told me he was grieving still and that he doesn’t know if he will ever recover from that. It has now been about 6 months since we’ve talked. A full year since his friend has passed 

I get constant thoughts about wishing that I was dead instead of that I could join his friend because i wish that he cared about me that much, I know it sounds selfish it’s just that I don’t know what I did 

Sometimes I start to think that he would never care about me the way he did before unless I was also dead 
I hate it so much because I know he does care a lot about people and that he has a right to grieve for as long as he wants this whole situation just sucks I miss having him to talk to, we could talk for hours and not get bored of each other it’s like my literal best friend is gone forever 

I stalk him on social media and see that he is deteriorating rapidly he doesn’t look the same anymore after drug usage and not taking care of himself I hate seeing it but I know he doesn’t want my help 

Sometimes I end up getting so upset that I will self harm over the fact that he is throwing his life away I know it’s not my life and it’s up to him to get help because he’s an adult I just ugh 
Idk