I don’t know what else to do about how empty I’ve been feeling. I feel like all I do is take and take energy and time and emotional happiness away from my partner, close friends and myself. 

I see a counselor, an integration guide and a psychiatrist. I’m currently in ketamine therapy and it’s helped but recent events/traumas have somewhat detracted from it and made it less effective. 

I give a lot to my community by hosting art and music events, organizing meetings, mutual aid work, plus being there for friends in times of need.

I see the exhaustion on my partner’s face when I’m low on energy to do housework. He keeps a clean home and I am pretty cluttered. I do manage to do dishes once or twice a week, take care of our cats, tidy up the common space and pick up trash. But, I feel like he gets frustrated with me when I’m depressed. 

We have a very communicative relationship, but it’s not helping. I mentioned to him tonight that I’ve wanted him to surprise me or be spontaneous with a date, but it really tangibly took away so much of his energy when I asked him for that. I’ve asked him for that for several months now, but haven’t seen it happen. It ended up being me encouraging him to take a trip on his own and meet up with friends. 

I’m not mad at him, more at myself for feeling this way. He takes care of me when I’m depressed but lately he’s not been able to. He tells me it’s sad to see me in the bed so much but I can’t find the energy to get out barely enough for work. 

I’m really just venting here but I appreciate any of y’all who chose to read. Thank you.