So I [23M] wants to say my life ended when I was around 14/15, everything else went down hill after that.

I've always had verbally and physically abusive parents, but it got a lot worse during my teens. I went and reported them to my school, local services and family. I couldn't take it, and every time I went to seek for help nothing came of it or it backfired on me. I felt so alone, betrayed and helpless.

This feeling of helplessnes continued when I found myself struggling at school and university. I tried to reach out for help and guidance as I kept making the situation worse for myself but none was their to help. Or the very few that did gave bad advice looking in hindsight. 

All of this did a number on my confidence and mental health. I feel so incompetent and useless. In every aspect of my life.

Now at 23 years of age, I am struggling to get into the career I want, because I chose the wrong career path in a time where mentally I was in the wrong place. instead I am working at a job that's taking advantage of me, and I can't really do anything about it because I am stuggling to find something else. I feel trapped.

I'm living in a toxic environment and I am desperately trying to leave. Good thing is that I am slowly making baby steps to finally getting a place of my own, so I guess that's something.

I am also struggling in a relationship both platonic and romantic. I feel so disconnected from everyone. I feel like I've messed up too many time due to my own incompetence, that I believe was brought about through my depressing and upbringing. I'm a slow learn and nothing has ever come naturally to me.

Every day is more or less the same and I  feel I screwed up my life beyond repair.

If there is no way of fixing it, what's the point in living in pain. I find the idea of ending it more and more appealing, and every now and again I think to myself maybe this is what life had in store for me all along. As I've been crying for help for a while now and my efforts seem to be in vain. I see no light at the end of the tunnel