Today I have achieved something quite big. Something that has been a goal of mine for three months, and still is for a while longer.

3.5 months ago, things ended between me and my boyfriend. He broke up with me, in the worst possible way. I was on vacation at my parents', happy to finally meet him again in just a few days, but then he called me and broke up over the phone. Not just that, but he had planned the whole thing, told it to everyone else (his family and friends) before it came to me. He did not dare to take the consequences of the break-up (dealing with post-breakup-me), and therefore chose to let my rather old parents take the brunt. This tore me apart, and as y'all might predict I didn't handle it very well. I impulsively wanted to kill my self that very night, but my mum arrived the place before I managed to jump from the bridge (oh, yeah, I ran to a nearby bridge). 
Days later things became worse and worst. Things ended badly for me. I gave suicide a real attempt. Ambulance, police, firetruck came to rescue - also his father came. I can never forgive myself for doing it, because his hole family was watching (which he told me afterwards). Not a day goes by without me picturing the faces of his to younger brothers...
Anyways, to get to the point: he imposed a restraining order on me. Understandably.. At first I was furious (because of the last conversation we had where we agreed not to speak again), though I can't really blame him. 
But,
Despite all those negative things I did in my past, concidering this is a 'small triumph'-marked flair, I want to put focus on this exact day.
Three months has passed and today was the last day of this restraining order, and I cannot really believe I managed to get through with it. It is a huge victory for me, because it has been the toughest thing I have had to deal with in my entire life. All those mental downhills because of anxiety, depression, BPD and ofc heartbreak. Today I take daily doses of antidepressants, which has helped a lot. I actually sit back and I am proud of myself. Proud because when the anxiety came over me every day like a dark cloud, when the urge for self-harm was enormous, and last but not least: proud because even when the worst enemy of them all, talking about the moments with extremely overwhelming suicidal thoughts, came, I never once contacted him. I was so close more times than I can count, and it ruined me that I was denied to see the guy I still loved so much. 

I never meant to hurt him, not now not then. For some reason I hope he reads this (which he utmost likely won't) and understands a tiny part of me. It was never in my interest to cause him trauma or bad experiences/memories, I never wanted to hurt or break him. I still care for him a lot, and think of him every single day. I fucking care for this guy. Goddamn it I love him.


(Sorry if my English is bad, didn't have the time to correct myself now. Also I've taken my sleeping pill long time ago and I need to post this before I fall asleep haha)