I feel like I shouldn't feel like dying based on all of the things that I have to be grateful for. I'm a recovering alcoholic / addict who's 1 month shy of being 2 years clean and sober. I still have my mom in my life, but we've never had a great relationship. My dad passed away on December 23, 2020. After my dad died, I went to trucking school, got my CDL, and moved to a new town to start a new life as a truck driver.

I've done a lot of "job hopping" in the past, and I really thought that truck driving was something that I would enjoy doing until I retire. I absolutely fucking hate it. I drive over the road, and since I don't have my own place I live in my truck. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life, and I'm 100% certain that it started when I was still a kid.

For years, I've tried to fill this void in me with drugs, food, sex, sleep, video games, etc but nothing has ever worked for long. I'm just completely exhausted in every way imaginable, physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. Staying on the road all the time and living in this truck ain't helping either. I came up with a plan a few weeks ago to keep driving and save as much money as possible until the end of July. I figured that would give me time to figure out what I really want to do in life, maybe get back in school and find an apartment somewhere. 

I'm at a point now where I really just don't care about anything anymore. I had been in a long distance relationship (if you can even call it that) with a young woman from another state over 1,000 miles away from where I live. She had the nerve to call me as I was driving through downtown Dallas traffic to say that since I'm always on the road and therefore couldn't be there to give her the attention she craves that she started seeking it from another source. I guess I can't really blame her for basically giving up on me, but she didn't have to tell me she loved me and then do some blatantly unfaithful shit like that.

Fortunately, we never actually met in person so I feel like I dodged a bullet. Could you imagine if I would've uprooted my entire life to move there so I could be with her, got married and had kids and then I came home from work one day to catch her fucking someone else? But alas, that's the kind of luck I tend to have with love and relationships. I already felt so fucking broken and had trust issues, and that killed what little bit of trust I had left.

I'm so fucking sick and tired of trying to be a trooper and go out of my way to be the best possible son, employee, cousin, nephew, grandson, friend, boyfriend, whatever else I can be for everyone else and I work my ass off and I feel like it's never appreciated or enough. I've only turned 35 this year, but I feel like I've lived long enough to say that the way most people seem to operate is the more you do for them, the more they come to expect from you, and then when you stop doing whatever it is they don't know how to do it for themselves anymore. Or they'll bitch and complain about actually having to do something for themselves instead of having someone to do it for them.

I don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this. With any luck, maybe I'll die in my sleep and not have to drive or live in this truck anymore. I would never have to worry about feeling like I'm not good looking enough, or hard working enough, or unappreciated, or lost lonely and broken. I would never have to show interest in a woman that I could maybe see myself building a life with just to tell her my true feelings and have her laugh in my face or call me to tell me she cheated.

Now that I think about it, dying really would solve a lot of the problems I'm currently dealing with. Of course, after a few days my dispatcher would start blowing up my phone, and eventually the smell of death would start leaking out of the truck. I'm rambling at this point, but I don't have anybody in my life that I can really talk to so if you've made it this far you a real one.

Get cake die young