It's not going to end. I've been hoping for 25+ years that one day I'd be okay. I'm not. I'm 37. I've tried so many medications. I can't be happy. I can't sleep. Nothing makes me think this is worth it. I know I won't end things because if I was going to I would have done it by now. I think about it ever day though. I cut off my family 10 years ago. I want to cut off everyone else. Just start new. Somewhere else. I know that won't fix anything. I'll be homeless. Again. I live with my very loving girlfriend. I don't want to hurt her. But I don't know what else to do. I can't hold a job. I can't do anything. The world is awful and unfair. Even though my life has been meaningless I know I have it so much better than so many people. 

I don't know the point of this sub, I've only passed through a few times. I'm happy it's here and I hope it's helped people. I have nobody else to talk to. I want to be happy. I want to ignore the pain. I just don't understand how everyone does it. Am I crazy? I don't feel crazy. Nobody has ever told me that I am. The few friends I have think I'm fun. I'm silly. I play softball every Sunday. Is everyone else faking it? What are we all doing? Is there an answer?