I haven’t officially dated anyone in 2 years, and I stopped casually sleeping around 9 or so months ago. Being single has been really good for my mental health. I thought I was ready to put myself back out there and *date* (ie not just sleep around). Boy was I wrong. 

My anxiety instantly skyrocketed. Nervous all the time. Constantly checking my phone to see if he had texted, getting my feelings hurt when he left me on open. Every bad habit I had came flooding back. Tonight, I cleaned my apartment, showered, did my hair/makeup, and got all dressed up. I even avoided eating dinner because I knew we were going out. For what? Just to be stood up. 

There were so many red flags I ignored. He never wanted to go out, only stay in. Answered “maybe” to my requests to go out until I pressed for a solid answer the day before. Never set a time. Didn’t respond to my text about *maybe* staying over after. It was just “I’m headed to the gym then we’ll go”. I’d already been feeling like he didn’t really have any interest in actually getting to know me. I learned a lot about him and asked questions and he never asked any back. 

I ignored all of it and all that got me was all done up with no where to go. I ignored it because years of overreacting have made me question everything I feel. Because my BPD makes me feel **crazy**. I don’t know what’s normal dating behavior and what’s not because it feels like my mind is just playing tricks on me. Like my insecurities are surfacing. He could have just fucking told me he didn’t want to go out. I’ve been on the verge of tears all night, but I refuse to cry because my eyeliner looks too damn good. 

I just want to be with someone. Not just anyone, but to have my person. I guess I’m still not ready. At this point it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be ready.