I am on two types of antidepressants. But still I am not sure if i suffer from depression or not. It's hard to admit.

I would like to admit I was fighting depression pretty much all my life on and off. I am now 36 and I've been happy many times in my life.

But recently I started feeling more and more down. Today, this feeling came back. I hate it so much. Today was a rainy day and both me and my wife loved it. Then came the storm and finally the clouds broke down and evening sun came out.

I feel like every single thing irritates me. The weird sounds, the weird flowers and grass. The weird traces of rain. It would be comfortable to just let go and let me fall into depressive thoughts. I am trying to keep my head up but it's taking some effort.

I see the weird things around and have to force myself not the see them and not to feel. I am a father and a husband and i have responsibilities such as making money and watching my child. I can't afford to take a day off and do nothing and lay down in bed. And it's like this for 3 years and it will be for next 3.

I just hate this irritable feeling because it reminds me how many times i felt exactly like this as a child. Random things irritate me or scare me. It just makes me see how I needed help back then 20 years ago. But back home in eastern Europe there was no support network. There was no chance of getting diagnosed with depression for kids and teenagers unless you tried a serious suicide attempt.

Please take care and seek help. Right Now i have a psychiatrist and i am medicated (larger doses of both SSRI and Wellbutrin). I felt so good for most of the treatment (4years). But here and there i had bad moments which we fixed by increasing the dosage. Unfortunately we maxed out. So not sure what my doc will suggest.

There is no shame in seeking help.