As a romanian I was a child affected by life that I wish had a better start. I was born and given away by my mother. I don’t know where my father was. so I was raised in the orphanage when I was born. It was a horrible experience. They tied us to our cribs. Fecal matter was everywhere, malnutrition, diseases, child abuse, child trafficking, and neglect affected many of the orphanages. It was a hell hole. We were fed like animals locked in cages. 


I remember constantly being locked inside rooms with my face against the walls in dimly lit rooms. I could never move I was tied from hurting myself.


orphanage living conditions caught national media attention so the government shut down its adoption business with the world when I was around. Many children were dumped onto the streets after the government collapse, our country’s dictator wanted to raise the population of the country before all this, this was 7 years ago before me. He forced the woman to have many babies to attempt to stimulate the economy and wanted to raise them to go into the military.  His name was Nicolae Ceausescu. Back then If you were caught using contraceptives you would be executed. I heard also the government giving out medals to mothers who could have the most children. the baby boom was followed by economic instability to raise the children so over 500,000 children was placed in government run orphanages (out of around 20 Million, half a million was homeless orphans!) , for the people said if Nicolae wants children for his great army then he can take care of them because of national instability. Nicolae was a greedy dictator.


Dictator Nicolae and his wife were executed. People were starving while he lived in his palace. It was at Christmas that the revolution, A war started. So many unwanted children after the propaganda were produced before all of this. The state forced women to have more and more babies, the population soared sky high before the government coup when Nicolas was in power. The orphanages filled as a result as I've said the citizens abandoned their children. but the facilities dumped many of the children out onto the streets after they shut down because of mass corruption. 


A lot of kids were forced to fend for themselves. We were called cheusescu's kids. They were seen as street gypsies, unwanted filth in the aftermath. Many of us lived in the sewers to live and eat rats and turned into drug addicts. Many died of disease and starvation. Some of us were abducted and sold into slavery. The children were part of Romania’s lost generation as it is infamously called. And now the lost generation is having children of their own that have repeated the cycle of lost children to be dumped out on the streets because they have little support. 


The evils that were done by men live on after its succeeders because the system is still messed up. I was one of the last to be adopted before the government shut down the adoption agencies and brought into the USA by Americans. My adoptive parents reportedly had to bribe lots of officials just to do their damn jobs, but yes i was literally one of the last children to be adopted over the thousands of other homeless orphans. I was put on national news when i came to America because i was one of the last granted passage to the states between the Romanian and American government. You cant adopt anymore. I was so lucky to make it out of that world!


 I was put in such hash conditions while I was growing up there that my surroundings destabilized the whole country into its worst recorded decline in history. 


I was literally fostered by a generation of homeless orphans, my birth mom signed me away with a X symbol because she didn't even know how to read and write. 


I'm sure my past living environments during my development impacted my psychology. Many case studies was done about the post communist Romanian orphanages in the 90's. 

Today I am heavily conflicted by trauma post adoption by re-abandonment disorders and conflict with american family. I have just myself now for 10 years I've been by myself far away. 

I tried killing myself over the dysfunctional years and now my brain is rotting away by the mental conflictions and the ptsd makes me scared to think anymore. 

I am broken into a million pieces 


The abandonment disorder is perpetually instigated by an enigma -(unspecified trauma) that is perpetually fed by circular reasoning -(my parents hate me, my parents love me). And It was possibly a thought disorder -(my parents hate me) that was turned into a delusion -(my parents do hate me) that I made part of my identity. -(I am abandoned, my parents hate me, ect.

 I have a dozen other mental illnesses that I have to dissect and unpack like this to figure out what's wrong with me. no one but who is ever reading this knows all of this about me, but you do now. 

There is so much to unpack I would have to write a book, I don't know what's going to happen to me...

At least someone on the internet knows I'm suffering now. There, I've said it...This is all part of my memories I share without anyone ever having to know me, no anxiety by being anonymous..