Trigger warning for substance abuse

For years I had this on and off addiction to benzodiazepines, mostly Clonazepam and alcohol.

My grandfather passed away a few months ago, he would be so proud to see my graduate. I knew I couldn't handle the whole graduation and party sober. I took some pills, some alcohol (and I know you must NOT take benzos and alcohol at the same time but I did it anyway, I guess to try to forget my grief for a while).

My best friend had already moved away and was absent at the party and my other best friend was going to move too, so I guess that contributed to my miserable night.

I spent the whole night sobbing and laughing hysterically.

At some point a man approached me, we danced, at some point we were kissing, I guess I just realized that was happening when I felt his stubble in my face. At some point it ended.

And that's when I realized that I just had my first kiss drunk and on benzos to a complete stranger. I broke down crying, I thought my grandpa would be disappointed or disgusted with me. I drank something, I don't know what, straight form the bottle and then I calmed down a little.

....

And then I returned to the dance floor and kissed another stranger. But I guess this time it turned alright, I got his number and we have been talking on WhatsApp all day, I think I like him, like actually like him. I'm afraid that he will find out about my first kiss with that other guy and think that I'm a slut, or that he will be disgusted with my addiction. I'm trying to get better, but still, I met him yesterday and I'm already obsessed about him, we're not even officially dating, and yet I don't know what would I do if we don't work out.