Hi there, lovely beings. I know you might see these posts often, but I don't want you to write me off too fast.

I'm a female, 22, currently diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD (complex). I take 75mg of Topamax, 300mg of Trileptal for mood stability, and while the meds are okay, I don't think I'm reaching my best potential with them. I also don't think my diagnosis is right.

For quite some time, I've believed I have borderline personality disorder. My mom had it **bad**. I mean, bad bad. She had a litany of other mental illnesses, but the BPD was the driving force behind it all. I remember this because she talked about it a lot and was very abusive towards me growing up. She ended up committing suicide in May of 2017; this is something that haunts me deeply still today.

I have a lot of her same qualities, and more are starting to come out of the woodworks. Out of the 9 criteria of BPD, I meet 6 to possibly 7. Self-harm and "splitting" are probably the biggest ones, as well as a distorted self-image and extreme mood swings (hence why my doctor put me on Trileptal) that are fast and don't last long, maybe a day at most. I get road rage, horrendous anxiety that my family will die, etc etc. *I could go on...*

 I've told my psychiatrist about all of this, yet I don't think I've been diagnosed with anything other than what's stated above. I know BPD is a heavy diagnosis, but I feel trapped and honestly, like I'm going crazy. I meet with my psych this Thursday and want to bring it up, but self-diagnosing is **never** a good look. Like, ever.

\[MED TALK\]  I don't like my meds, excluding the Topamax. The Trileptal has made me gain 10-15 pounds of weight, which plays on my distorted body image and possible eating issues, so it's gotta go. I was on Lamictal XR, but that was the absolute worst. I'm missing my Prozac days lol. I also believe I need an anti-anxiety medication for when I have my intense anxiety episodes; it wouldn't be for everyday use, just for episodes. They've given me Clonidine, but that shit just makes me groggy and doesn't do anything. I know docs are afraid to give out scripts for Xanax because it's so often abused, but I need something to calm me down when I feel like I need to cut. I've mentioned Klonipin to this same psychiatrist and she immediately shut that down. 

Feeling very stuck. Feeling very hopeless. Feeling like I'm crazy. 

Thank y'all for reading all of this &lt;3