I honestly don’t even know if I have BPD. My therapist seems to think so but we haven’t reached a diagnosis and I’ve only done some rudimentary research. I don’t know.

Basically what’s happening is, there’s this person, let’s call him Elliot. We dated and broke up but only because we can’t do long distance and he’s in love with me and I’m in love with him to a point where it’s kinda obsessive? And Elliot and I still text most days if not every day. He’s going through some trouble right now with abusive parents, which was always a point of relatability for us, so he hasn’t been able to parse out the time to talk as much. We’ve had a few “how are you” or “hawks won” texts over the past few days but that’s it. I get it, I’m familiar with shitty family, I really do get it. He also has PTSD, which makes everything harder for him. I get it.

But that’s all in my logical brain. In my emotional brain, I’m freaking out and I’m afraid he’ll leave me and we haven’t texted or really talked in so long, we usually talk constantly every day and what if he wants to leave me and what did I do wrong because I know I did something wrong even though logically I couldn’t have done anything. I’m trying not to be needy or do anything that’ll make his life harder right now and I don’t know what to do because I am trying SO HARD to hold myself back right now and be considerate of his feelings but last night I broke down sobbing myself to sleep and I don’t feel safe without knowing he loves me and I KNOW he loves me and I trust that he loves me but what if we’re drifting away because we haven’t talked in two days and what if he’s realizing I’m just another stressor and I can’t DO this to him I can’t freak out on him but I’m going to and I need to do something to get myself under control before I hurt him but I don’t know how.