I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which I unfortunately learned too late. Over the course of this year, I’ve irreparably damaged and lost lots of friendships- maybe ten individual people in total? I don’t know. I might have lost count when it all started to blend together. Even people who aren’t directly involved apparently had things had things to say about me, negative ones. I’m basically public enemy number one with that online circle from Twitter, a title that I deserve honestly. I hurt people and didn’t take accountability for my actions, but I didn’t expect things to end this badly. And now the last thing my former best friend will probably ever say to me will be: “Just leave me alone, I’m fed up with this.” I wish I could undo the past three months or better yet, the entire year but I know I have to move on. 

Ever since the catastrophic falling out with this former best friend, I noticed our mutual acquaintances almost immediately took measures to block me or take distance from me in general. Feels like “everyone” is on her side, probably because she said I was stalking her when I asked to get closure. She told me I thought she didn’t know I was trying to keep tabs on her but she knew it all. That took me aback since I hadn’t done anything of the sort, beyond checking her public Twitter and venting to friends about the situation. 

I think she’s just about told everyone we both know about the situation, rather than keeping it private and to her more immediate circle. Hell, I even happened across tweets from her friend name-dropping me and talking about how disappointed they were in me. Then I saw some vague tweets too, such as one that went “obsession isn’t love.” So I’m basically cast as the obsessive stalker villain in this whole story. Honestly, at the end of the day I wanted to understand how someone I considered my FP, who comforted me and assured that my problems didn’t make me any less difficult to love, could eventually cast me aside by essentially telling me to fuck off and that I blew up all my chances to be her friend again. I guess I want to learn from the experience more than get closure, but I’m respecting her wish to leave her alone and not contact her again. 

I have to avoid like over ten people from her social group because of six degrees of separation. To use a Mean Girls reference, they’ve probably held a meeting like “Who here has been personally victimized by ___?” Understandably so, I don’t have many friends left online after this, and I certainly don’t want to go back to Twitter. 

It’s hard to feel like I have to start over my online presence at 26 years old. My sense of self and stability is even rockier than before, but at least I’m aware of what it is that I’m struggling with, and can focus on nurturing healthy friendships with the people who are still here by my side.