I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, I’m 23 now. So, it’s been about 10-12 years of dealing with my silly little brain.

I first started taking Zoloft back in maybe 2015? Maybe before then, but I took the pill for several years. Last September, I started noticing an increase of suicidal thoughts. This can happen with SSRIs I believe, I think the Zoloft just stopped working for my brain and body, so I stopped. Cold turkey. I didn’t have any major issues, please don’t comment the risks- I know what they are and I’m doing okay now.

For a few months, I was fine. I could FEEL my feelings again, feel my emotions. And it was kinda nice? I felt almost… free? 

But after awhile, I think all of the Zoloft build up left my body (sounds weird, but hear me out) and I started feeling as bad as I did when I was a teen. Health anxiety, ER trips, panic attacks daily…

So, even though I do badly wanted to try to make it without medication, I couldn’t do it. AND THAT IS OKAY. For about ~3 months, I’ve been on Lexapro! And it’s been helping the anxiety.

Here’s the revelation I had… so, I have only been on one other SSRI in my life so I never realized this, but holy fuck I finally understand what people mean when they say that medication almost completely numbs your emotions… I can’t remember the last time I cried, and I usually cry a lot as an emotional person. I feel very… neutral? I don’t feel NOTHING, but I don’t feel the way I did unmedicated…

I think there will always be pros and cons to medication, but damn. I finally, after a decade, understand what this medication does. It helps, but it also kinda turns you into an emotionless machine. 

Weird.