Tw: multiple triggers and exceptionally long. 

I'm having a hard time really expressing my story in a concise way, maybe a timeline will help. 

-2017- Diagnosed with BPD and graduated Psych Nursing school. The irony that I became the patient is unbearable especially with the price of my student loans and my low income in comparison now.   

-2018- Realize Nursing is burning me out mentally, take Baking school on the side of working to secure another career.

-2019- Left nursing due to bullying, my unregulated emotions and worsening depression. Simultaneously working a baking job to make ends meet. 

-2020March- Relationship with "CR" dissolved, forced to move into family home 3 hours away from my city of choice. Lost my baking job of 3 years. Covid started. 

-2020PostMarch- At my grandparents I crumbled under the weight of my own mind telling me I had lost everything and failed because I can't regulate my emotions and communicate properly. I began to socialize with the wrong crowd and became addicted to drugs. I burned through all my savings and all my reserve funds racking up my debt and using EI to fund my destruction.I started a relationship with "CH" at the end of the year. He was also struggling with addiction, and undiagnosed ADHD, we both wanted a future away from the drugs.  

-2021January-I move back in with my mother to get closer to the city(an hour drive) as my grandparents town had little jobs and a lot of drugs. CH and I remained close and had plans to live together, get clean together, support eachother. 

-2021- I finally land a job in baking in February but the hours are very lonely. For 3 months I worked 5 days a week including Fri Sat Sun. I woke up at midnight to drive to work alone by 3am, no one was awake, I went to bed when everyone was living. I was still doing drugs during this time but less than before. At this job I experienced 3 emotion related events (a panic attack, asking the boss when benefits would be available if ever (they considered that unprofessional), and arguing with a dude in the same workspace of a different company). These caused the bosses to confront me to "get professional" or leave. Faced with the emotions behind isolation, feeling overworked and underpaid, and confronted about my behavior, I quit on the spot. They had been neglecting covid protocols, and I got on EI again for that. 

-2021- I had just moved into my place in the city with CH a week before I lost my job in June. He was looking for employment. My depression swallowed me whole after my job loss. Our relationship was very unstable due to our drug use, lack of housing stability and seperate diagnoses leading to physical aggression (especially me on the drugs). My BPD caused fights out of perceived slights and his ADHD was unable to part with the feeling of anger when he ran out of patience. He left at the peak of the arguments with an ultimatum. I quit the drugs or lose him. I did quit the drugs on my own at home after he left me. I was function-less for nearly a week only sleeping and eating to survive the basics of my needs as I got used to a life without drugs chemically. My anxiety was crushing after I was clean, I was unable to complete most tasks fearing all the possible negatives without the energy of the drugs to help carry me through the procrastination. Because I got clean, he came back to live with me.

-2021-In September I started and subsequently lost another part time job I started that same month due to crippling depression and anxiety.  CH who had been working since June, became medically unable to work for unforseen medical concerns in September too. We both relapsed for 2 weeks at the end of September into October with the amount of stress on us. But then got clean again in October. The aggression from me coming off of drugs and my inability to live with challenging emotions caused him to leave the home and live with family again. Particularly because I have been physically abusive to him and myself. I am ashamed to admit that, but I want the truth known. Because he left, and I am already months behind in debt again, I have no choice but to go back to my grandparents to re-establish my life once again. 



-But I see it, I see clearly I started most fights, combined with my inability to communicate my needs especially when anxious. 
-My own choice to not get another job, with my frozen motivation and self loathing. 
-I see that I've prioritized trash street drugs over my beyond needed pharmaceuticals, and need to take my daily meds seriously. 
-I see that I pushed away my partner in a self-fulfilling prophecy  of the relationship ending, causing it to end. 

I have reached out to all the available supports I can think of which include 
-addictions counselling (abruptly ended as the therapist got another job and wasn't replaced, this is around the time of my relapse in Sept)
-emergency rooms (multiple visits with general meds for anxiety and safety contracts) 
-24/7 access crisis meeting with a psychiatrist (changed no meds, put me on waiting list for DBT program) 
-DBT therapy- starting in November. 
-Family, Friends, Loved ones. 

At this point, I've decided to stay single for 6+ months because I know I have some serious work to do on myself if I want to get back on my feet in record time and see a truly different future. I also have a checklist I want to accomplish before I will be ready to try city living again. 

-debts back to manageable and 3 months bills in emergency fund
-DBT program and practice 
-when I rent a home I can afford it alone. I don't want any more relationships forcing me to move again. 
-I have a stockpile of meds. 
-new relationship cannot be on and off or physically violent. 

I just wonder, is there a foreseeable break in the future? Because it all just hurts to think about. Wish me luck, I'm about to go pack my life up for the second time, though I'm more self aware this time around 💞 I hope that parts of my story ring true for others. 


All comments/thoughts/criticism/motivation/whatever are welcome. 

-K