  I’ve never really posted here before, however I really needed to voice out how I’m feeling and hopefully it makes me feel better getting this off my chest.
  So I’m about to start college tomorrow, now for most people this would be a very exiting time for them with some nerves here or there but overall ready to start a new adventure in life. For me though I’m sitting typing this in fear of what’s to come. I don’t worry about making friends, or being cool. I worry about my ability to understand the material that is given to me as well as my sanity balancing said work. 
  This isn’t my first time starting college or feeling this dread in my life. Every year since I would say third grade, when I go back to school I get very anxious and depressed. I rarely eat, feel nauseous, and have panic attacks throughout the day. I would come home and cry to my mom and dad telling them how I felt and how I couldn’t go back. They would try and calm me down and assure me that I’ll be fine and I have nothing to worry about. This wouldn’t help and I would stay in this anxious state for about the first two weeks. Then miraculously I’m fine and I laugh at how I was feeling. It’s the craziest thing in my life and it has ruined me moving forward.
  I originally graduated HS in 2019, I planned on going to Penn state, was all ready to move forward and “BOOM” orientation day I get a major anxiety attack had to walk out mid presentation and have my parents calm me down from braking down immediately. I told them I wasn’t ready and I wanted to take a gap year. They asked me am I sure this is what I want to do or am I just running? I said no this is what I want to do. Since then I’ve tried to go back one other time to the same result. 
  Even though I know these feeling are temporary and that they will pass in a few weeks I still can’t seem to think straight and push through, I always want to run. 
  I regret not just going to college right out of the gate after HS, it brought up more anxious feelings of being behind my peers as well as left me in a depressive state being at home wasting away dicking around 
in my crummy home town. Honestly I don’t know what I want to do with my life job wise, but I want to take steps forward to try and narrow my choices. 
 Any advise would be much appreciated. Thanks to anyone who sat through my sob story it means a lot to me.