Hey everyone :)

I’m married to a really awesome dude that is always there for me and helps me in everything. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD this year, after treating depression/anxiety for a couple of years without improvements. When the research results came out, I was overwhelmed with feelings of anger and confusion, for going through a treatment for so long for nothing because I was just misdiagnosed, while he made me see the bright side, where I could finally treat exactly what I have and feel less alone. After that, life has been a little less of a rollercoaster because a lot of things started making sense but, while he was trying his best to study more about BPD and how to deal with me properly, I saw that he was getting more stressed on a daily basis. So here are some info for context:

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* I’m super dependent on him, because after a few really strong panic attacks episodes, I can’t stay at home alone or in the dark. As we live abroad, away from my family and close friends, he’s the only one I have. He’s also super afraid of leaving me and something happening (meaning me hurting myself).

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* He has some sexual issues that are really hard for me to deal with but I’m doing my best so far. He can’t and never did reach orgasm during sex (with anyone in his life) because he overthinks everything and that doesn’t let him be in the moment, which also means he doesn’t crave for sex… like, ever. He’s now going through sex therapy and in the beginning we did see some improvements but then he fell in the comfort zone where he thinks that seeing the therapist is enough, even if he doesn’t do any of the exercises she sends. That is really hard on me, because not only I wanna have sex everyday, I also have really low self esteem and when not even your husband finds you attractive enough to have sex with you that shit can break you deeply

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* He keeps things to himself afraid of my reaction or hurting my feelings, even though I insist that he should communicate what’s going on. So yesterday I tried one more time to have sex, only to be denied - again - and he asked me how was I feeling about our sex life. I came clean and he agreed on everything I pointed out and said he couldn’t focus on that right now because he had a lot going on in his mind and sex would be one more thing to be worried about. I wasn’t mentioned on the list of things that were stressing him out, but I knew that me and my BPD were on the top of the list. When I said it was okay for me to be one of the items and that he should tell me what can I do to make him feel less stressed, he said he didn’t know, he didn’t know if I was indeed the reason or if it’s something else, and finished by saying he needed some alone time.

Now, I know he doesn’t feel like he can rely on me, because one day he came from therapy trying to find ways to make me become his safe place so he can feel more comfortable during sex and that broke me into pieces. And I know that me and BPD are the ones to blame because I even though I try my best, it’s really for me to silence my head and feelings and really try to not depend so hard on him, so most of the times I fail.

So now that he told me he wants some alone time, I’m spiralling. Does that mean that he’s tired of me, that he’s reached his limit with this relationship? What if during that time he finds out that I’m the source of problems of his life and he wants to get rid of me? I’m trying to do my best with the treatment, but sometimes it feels like it’s not fast enough and that I might lose myself and him before real change happens

TL;DR: my husband has been really stressed lately, specially about dealing with my dependency on him, he asked for some space but I’m too afraid of giving it to him