*! CW: Substance abuse, self harm !*

4 years ago I ended my first serious relationship with my ex fp. The relationship lasted for a couple of  years, from teenagers into early adulthood and we just simply grew apart. Haven't really had a contact with him since the break up,  except I saw him once at a party 2 years ago.

¨This spring has included insanely stressfull life events and I¨'m not doing that great, so I started to have dreams of my ex where I'd just hang out with him and it felt nice and kind of safe in these dreams. I felt bad when I woke up and started to think/analyze our relationship, even it has been years and it should not matter anymore. Somehow the analyzing turned into daydreaming of the good moments of the past and being sad over the fact that the person I'm missing doesn't exist anymore.  
2 weeks ago I ended up again at the same party as him and we spoke *a lot* and ended up in the memory lane, even though his new gf was there. I don't temember much because I was so intoxicated that after speaking to him I lost my consciousness and woke up a couple of hours after. And what did I do after waking up? I went to talk with my ex again. I'm afraid I might¨ have been rude and I've almost texted him that I'm sorry if I was an idiot and said something stupid and something about that I wish him well, but I haven't because it would be kind of awkward. 

But yeah, after that evening and the constant dreaming I've been obsessively thinking about my ex every day. The thoughts feel intrusive and even though I don't want it, I catch myself daydreaming about that how we will find a some kind of a connection again. I catch myself being creepy and stalking around the internet. I should stop. The person I want to make a contact with isn't real. He's not that what I idolize him to be. I want to let go. I don't want to carry parts of him with me after all these years. All of this feels also very disrespectful towards my current boyfriend.

Has anyone else suddenly became obsessed with people from the past? How do you get over it? I don't understand why I suddenly fell into this pit after these years because of some goddamn dreams. This is painful.