I don't really know where to start to be honest. 

Probably the most cliche opener, but I think it gets the point across pretty reliably. I struggled with depression from late 2016 till around mid 2019, and it always sat there, always lingered, in the back of my mind, as depression does for most others. 

My life has been going pretty great since then, I experienced a lot of things and learnt a lot, not only about myself, but about the people, and world at large, around me. It was pretty great.

But lately, things haven't felt the same. Ever day is just filled with an unshakeable sense of monotony, and the usual effort to go out isn't helping anymore. I used to be able to go out and shake the feeling, I'd go eat dinner by myself or just go visit some new place. Now, though, things feel different. 

Maybe it's just bad timing.

I just finished school and it's currently exam period, but I know myself well enough to know that exams aren't the reason all this is happening. All the same, though, I have this unshakeable feeling that there is nothing to do anymore. My usual city trips yield nothing new, and I wind up just wishing I'd stayed home and saved my time and money. 

Now that school's over, I can do whatever I wish. People around me are going to parties, drinking, and just generally having a good time. That stuff all feels empty to me, though, somewhat void of any actual pleasure. 

I want to clarify first that I have not done anything bad, but it's just an honest run down. 

I was sitting here, before my desk as usual, browsing the internet and trying to find interesting things to investigate further, and I just realised nothing felt the same anymore. The games I used to play are boring, new games are even worse, and even my friend group just feels like a helpless repetition of itself daily. And that's when I thought about drinking, or doing something to try and change the way I perceive the world, but obviously I didn't because alcohol reliance is something I'm actually worried about given just how shitty I feel. I thought about drugs, drinking, all the generic sort of stuff. Nothing else really creates anything in me; no emotional response.

I haven't gone through with any of it, nor do I plan on doing so. But the thought crossed my mind for the first time in my life.

I'm not sure what to do. It feels like my best friend is making stronger ties with other people and is overall exposing themselves to more things, and they just don't have as much time anymore for us to talk about things. And I'm happy for them, they deserve the world because they are an amazing person in their own right, but unfortunately that means I am without someone I can reliably talk to.

Another issue I have is I think that depression and this sort of stuff is innately esoteric in nature, so it's kind of hard to "reach out" with a realistic expectation that someone will understand perfectly and reach some sort of conclusion.

I've never done one of these before. But I want help from people who are probably experiencing similar things, because I know that that sort of thing can be a difference maker.

Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks.