so i’ve been in a huge self-hate spiral the past few days. i have this weird complex where i hate myself but still expect myself to be better than other people so when i don’t live up to my own expectations i get upset and probably project into other people. my roommate is one of those people who’s nice to manipulate others into needing them (she finally figured this out and told me, long after i knew) and i have no idea how to live with someone like that. she’s obsessed with her best friend who she claims she couldn’t live without but it seems like they barely communicate and she just worships him. it makes me feel so inadequate especially because i have essentially no friends who live on this side of north american. i’m having such a hard time figuring out if i’m being a shitty friend or if she is just too overwhelming for me to be around for more than an hour or two at a time. 

i feel so lost, guilty, full of shame. i used to see myself as extremely empathetic and good at listening but i think i was kidding myself. i feel like i’ve become so judgemental of her. idk if this relationship has exhausted me and idk who i am anymore or if i was ever the person i thought i was at all. all i know is i’m tired and i wish i had other friends. i just am so bad at reaching out, and she reaches out constantly so i feel so, so inadequate and shitty.