This is long. If you stay til the end I honestly love you. If not, I understand. 😂 Regardless, feel free to LMK if you’ve figured out how to distinguish BPD brain vs logical thinking brain 🧠 TIA!

TL;DR: Fuck BPD.



Okay so ultimately I am a good, kind hearted and giving person. I pour so much into the ones I love. I’d literally do anything to keep them happy. I’m a people pleaser at heart, even when it’s detrimental to my mental health. It’s who I am. I just have emotions I can not regulate and with them comes those paranoid thoughts we all know too well. Especially in my romantic relationships, although I have had some issues with BPD in other types of relationships in the past, just not nearly as significant.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. First a fling, (1 month) next long distance and open relationship (2 months), to long distance and exclusive (7 months), to just exclusive (3 months) as he is currently in the process of closing in on a house in my town (he grew up here btw).

The first half was GREAT! Amazing, nothing could have ever been better. Around March I started getting off vibes. Maybe splitting and devaluing, maybe true intuition idk. It’s a constant back and forth from feeling like I have the best partner in existence to basically loathing his existence. I hate that for him. I hate that I’m like this. I’m pretty self-aware so I typically realize when I’m having an episode. I internalize probably 95% of my feelings. Although there have been a few instances my emotions have gotten the best of me, generally I am EXTREMELY well reserved for how intensely I feel.

I go through these phases where I’ll believe my bf has some secret life. Lately it’s been that he’s cheating on me (original, right?).

And for the most part, I was able to keep these feelings at bay and not pay much attention to them as I don’t really trust myself or my perception of reality when I’m feeling intensely.

That is until I saw some 🚩🚩🚩

1. When we were zooming he was sharing his screen and I saw he had messaged some girl “I miss you!”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about being healthy and having friends of the opposite sex is fine it’s just...I’d never heard of her before. Ever. Kinda sus, but I’m like okay benefit of the doubt I’m just overreacting 😂
2. He was at my place, showing me pictures of the work he’d done on his new place. I’m scrolling thru them and he loses his shit “THATS IT! THERES NO MORE PICS OF THE HOUSE!” I’m like okay you’re behavior is odd. He gets defensive. I find that even more off-putting. So I’m like LETS GO THRU YOUR PHONE THEN ‼️ at this point he has his phone back, and is surprisingly angry. After some banter he tosses his phone at me...but I. could. not. bring myself to go through it. It seemed too invasive and I thought maybe I was overreacting. I hand him his phone back and just leave to calm down. In the end, I was like “idk I’m just crazy haha nvm that”
3. Consistently canceling plans last minute to help a friend do work or something along the lines. Again, I basically gaslight myself and don’t know if it’s appropriate for me to react in these situations. So I kinda just let it slide.
4. Noticed he was being pretty tied to his phone which was completely unusual. Phone constantly pinging with messages from one of his friends who happens to be a lady. Felt weird ab it, again let it go. 
5. I broke my own personal rule and went thru his phone. I thought I’d just be able to ease my anxiety, BUT INSTEAD I find messages of him hitting up other girls, asking them if they wanted to check out his new place. I’m like eh okay whatever this isn’t too incriminating. I was about to give it up BUT NOTICE HE’S BEEN TALKING TO HIS EX. Quite frequently. I scroll thru the messages they are innocent enough but I’m alarmed because like he gives me the impression that they don’t really talk. He’s said things like yeah she messages me and I don’t really respond BUT THERE WERE FULL LENGTH CONVOS IN THERE. 
6. This seems to need a number to itself because IN the messages I find out his ex came over to his house to get some stuff back in March...🤨

(Also I feel like I should add, while we were still just hooking up he made pretty awful remarks about how I looked. God awful 😂 I had just lost my dad though and was coping with sex so like idrc that he said he’d never love me because I was too fat 😅) 

I am very understanding, I let people walk all over me because I never know if what I’m doing is right reaction, I always give third, forth, fifth, one hundred chances 😂 so WHY NOT MENTION YOUR EX IS COMING OVER 😅

So I’m pissed and rightfully so. I kicked him out of my house. We broke up. His ex messages me like “look girl nothing happened.” He says the same thing. I’m like okay fine it doesn’t matter I literally do not trust you. It’s the fact you didn’t just say HEY MY EX IS COMING BY TO PICK UP SOME OF HER SHIT. He’s begging for forgiveness. I’m still pissed. And then like suddenly something inside me shifts and I’m like OMG I LOVE HIM I WAS WRONG WHY DID I LEAVE HIM IM JUST CRAZY HES THE BEST THING THATS EVER HAPPENED TO ME and we get back together the next day 🙄🤣

So it’s been pretty smooth sailing for the last couple weeks. Until RIGHT NOW when I’m like HMMM I’m feeling too good rn lemme go thru our messages from March and see what you said you were doing the day you “weren’t” banging your ex. 

And low and behold, I find messages from me anxiously asking if everything is okay because it feels off. His texts were short. He was honestly kind of a dick. Just cold. Which is so unlike him I honestly forgot about it. There was a message in there of him telling me he didn’t feel the need to tell me he loved me every second, another of him accusing ME of being shady, and him just being overall angry and defensive instead of the typical kind and reassuring he is when I’m asking for validation...

So to what do I do with this new found information? Do I START A NEW FIGHT?😂 DO I LEAVE? DO I HOLD IT IN UNTIL I CANT ANYMORE AND BLOW UP 3 MONTHS LATER THE NEXT TIME IM REMINDED THAT HES HARD TO TRUST!?


Are my thoughts, concerns, and feelings actually somewhat rooted in reality? 

AM I NOT ACTUALLY CRAZY? Am I actively being manipulated and gaslight or am I just making all this shit up in my head again? 😂😂

I’m laughing, but I’m not. It’s been my lifelong coping mechanism and I know it’s probably not healthy for even ME to invalidate my actual feelings but like idk if I wanna feel like shit all the time ok. Sometimes I just wanna laugh 😩🤣


DO ANY OF YALL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE B/T BPD BRAIN AND LOGICAL THINKING?

If you do, pls tell me your secrets! I’m so sick of going down this rabbit hole of emotional turmoil I almost wonder if I should just be alone.