I want to try hanging tonight, before it I wish to figure out which one push me to such dilemma, myself or my mom.

I academic results are declined since secondary 4. I used to study well, but I start to be lazy. Despite always procrastinate, before exam I will study hard to not getting a bad result. 

But once in a day before exam, my mother shout at my for a false I did, then I became suicidal and gave up studying. Since than, I loss motivation of doing all the things including my hobbies. I thought I would go to die before letting my mon know the poor results, but I found that I was too cowardly to suicide. Now I can't focus on studying and I can't help myself to scroll my phone. 

My parents love me, but my mom is unstable and moody. We can have a happy day if she have a good mood, but sometimes she is irritated and shout at me madly when I done a little false. 

Once she was taking me to the hospital for a cold. I performed stupidly so she was mad at me. when the doctor asked me for my symptoms, I just answered for a few words then the room became silence. When the conversation is ended, I just sat still with silence. I knew that it is weird of a 16 years old girl and I just waiting my mother to take me away. Then the doctor laughed at me because of my dullness. My mom feel embarrassed and scolded me madly after it. That's really hurt me and I can't withstand her loud shouting. 

Recently she was more irritated because of my poor results. She said that she can't stop thinking about my poor study and she felt hopeless for me. But she don't know that I am so lazy and I can't give her a satisfying result. I can't face my next exam and my poor future.

I both love and hate her. I afraid she will get sick after my suicide, but I am suicidal because of her in some parts. She wasn't mad with no reason, so if I were disciplined, my mon maybe wouldn't be such irritated. However I was tired to change myself. 

Lastly, I think I don't have depressed as I sleep well and eat well, but I can't memories things and I can't express myself clearly. I am seriously unsocial and unmatured. I don't know why I am so poor.