So im just gonna paste a journal entry here rather than try to ask for specific advice.  For context my partner and I both have BPD, PTSD, and are trans.  We'll be hitting 4 years soon.  I need help sorting things out

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I dont know why we're even still together. I genuinely don't know if he has feelings for me anymore and I can't get a straight answer. And anymore I feel like im toxic to him. Nothing seems to work to get me to cooperate, but maybe he's right about my putting in no effort. Maybe I dont want to be in this relationship anymore and im just too afraid to end it. Maybe I just keep lying to myself that ill be able to change by snapping my fingers and we'll suddenly be happy again, but i dont think thats true. Hes depressed cause I get in his way, by being depressed and lazy, but these days im depressed and lazy because I feel like he doesn't want me around. I can't remember the last time he made a real pass at me; Grabbed my ass, wanted a hug, held my hand, or gave me a kiss with an open mouth. He hasn't asked me for sex in ages, the few times we've done it recently I initiated it. I feel so distant from him that its hard to breath. Maybe im too codependent but I think I deserve affection and more than passing i love yous. "I love you" are just words to him, hes said it himself. So how can I believe it? I deserve to feel desired and appreciated. Is this emotion distance a sort of punishment that got out of hand, or has he lost his desire for me altogether? Or is it just that his libido is low from being depressed? Who even knows anymore. Certainly not me. He wants me to follow a routine with him and cooperate better but no matter what we try i cant seem to find the conviction to try very hard. No matter how small I break down everything or how much I try to change my thought patterns I cant seem to change much more than my mood. I realize I did actually like myself for the most part before we got together but the longer we've been together the less I've liked myself. I dont know if that's because I've had to face so many hard truths about myself that i need to rebuild my self esteem,, or because we're just not compatible. Or maybe it's both. I dont know. I love him to pieces, and the dogs, and everything about the little life we've created together, and to lose it frightens me so much that its all I can think about to the point of paralysis. All attempts to use that fear as rocket fuel to change have been for nothing it seems. Maybe "to everything a season" applies here but maybe that would just be giving up. Do I really not feel capable of cooperating, or is that just a convenient excuse to blissfully rot in my anxiety and await the day he's truly done with me. Would it truly all better if i just finished painting, finished playing Zelda, and tried to vacuum more often? Cause thats how he used to make it out but these days I'm not so sure. And plus, where to start? Gotta wait to get paid again to buy more paint like I should have a month ago. Hell, a motherfucking year ago. But then how to pay for groceries and weed. Need a job, but need to square up with the bank which I still haven't done amd I need money for that too. Oh and I still haven't buried all those rats in the basement freezer like I was going to 6 months ago like a lazy bitch, too scared over my own grief. Living in it and avoiding it all at once. And why am I so terrified of being observed making the changes he needs from me? Maybe Im afraid of criticism and ti actually be taught when what I really want is praise and encouragement for doing the bare minimum, like a child? And do i really crave conflict? Am I really just stringing him along at this point? I feel like I can see positive changes in myself and my actions but they're so internal that it doesn't matter to him because he needs to see real movement. But the actions I've been taking have mostly been in pursuit of not being so goddamn unstable. Everything I think and feel has just been so messy for so long. Maybe the loving thing to do would be to stop failing to try harder and just go live downstairs for a while. He's said as much, but im so terrified of the possible finality of that decision. Usually he would be the one to help me through something like this and figure shit out, but in this situation how could he ever reassure me of anything? How could I even ask? I already broke the one promise I'd done so well to keep: not hurting myself again. And still havent been able to tell him about it. And ever since it happened I think about it so much. Every time I start to panic or feel small or rotten or toxic I just want to open my skin up. I want to get plastered. I think about drinking so often. I just want to destroy myself. Ive fought off the urge but i can feel it growing.. the prozac and the hormone injections are helping a little, but only so much. In my thoughts I keep returning to the psych ward, and how much I wish I'd never went and put us both through so much pain, and how it just made things worse. 3 months on and it's still the first thing I think about when I wake up, and often the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. We promised each other a fresh start. Id be more open amd more assertive, and learn to not be such a slob. Hed learn to not take everything so personally and try to be kinder and more patient while I work my shit out, but neither of us have changed, not truly. We're both still so hot and cold with eachother. He goes out of his way to say hurtful shit to me from frustration, and I cant help but put my foot in my mouth and hurt him with my self pity over my comparatively amazing life. I cant seem to remove me head from my ass. I just want to run away and start over.