I am a 17 year old male. I have had shitty love experiences, I was "cheated" and two impossible loves make one for my best friend who lasted more than a year and who destroyed this friendship. This feeling has been rotting my existence for 2 years now. I can no longer see a couple in the street without feeling bad, seeing things linked to love makes me feel bad, I feel both an inner pain but also a physical pain. The night of the thoughts invade me, I have crises with uncontrolled movements of the head, crying, a desire to break everything. Bad decisions, those I fell in love with and the memories with them haunt me in my nightmares. I live in fear of falling in love with someone again, and I'm afraid that someone will be attracted to me, I've already had a panic attack for this reason. I regularly have dark thoughts. I know I should consult, my friends tell me to do it, but I don't plan on doing it, I feel like it wouldn't be useful to go see someone just for the sake of love. Besides, I've already been to a shrink and I don't feel that it really helped me. I wish I could cut myself off from all physical contact, not necessarily human but physical, I don't know for what reason. Despite the help that exists, since it doesn't suit me, I feel like I'm alone.