do any of you guys ever intentionally do things you know will ruin good things for you?? tonight i did that. i was drunk and did something j knew would piss my boyfriend off because i was feeling suicidal and wanted a reason to kill myself. the night ended in me having a full suicidal meltdown, then having the worst panic attack i’ve ever had when i realized what i did and how much i didn’t want to lose someone i’m genuinely in love with. but sometimes i feel so genuinely out of control of my own actions, it’s like something else invades my body and makes these god awful choices for me. idk what i’m hoping to get from posting this. it’s the first and probably only thing i’ll ever post on reddit. i guess i’m j here because i wanna know that other people understand. i love carter more than i’ve ever loved anything else in my entire life, and i wish i could undo everything i did tonight so bad.