For 10 years, I was stoned daily. At first it started as an act of rebelling, but eventually I’ve come to recognize it as a crutch used to avoid dealing with my internal issues and to disassociate myself from guilt I have from regrets, bad behavior towards others (especially those close to me) and an overall lack of responsibility.

A couple years ago, while leaving work (sober), I experienced a massive panic attack. Beyond the physical symptoms, my mind began to race. It felt like my life had become a giant house of cards and it was all going to crumble around me. I still don’t know what specific moment set this off, it could have just been building until it wouldn’t stay suppressed anymore. Since then, these thoughts have never left.

I engaged in counseling after that and found that by staying sober this anxiety was more manageable. However, there are times (beginning to become more frequent) I begin to feel like I’m experiencing the same panic attack again; like an impending doom.

It still doesn’t feel like I have a good grasp on my anxiety. I’ve tried to drastically change my life to avoid compiling to it; trying to be more conscious about my choices, how I treat people and how my actions might make them feel. There’s still rash decision making and knee jerk reactions though, but I do feel more critical of myself for smaller mistakes now than I was for the larger ones then. And despite my posturing, there’s doubt in almost any decision I consider to be self serving even when I also feel it’s justified.

I wonder though if this larger focus on empathy is more a form of self penance and question whether I’m being entirely genuine or just afraid of perceiving myself as a bad person. It’s this doubt specifically that I feel won’t allow me to let go and why I think I continue to experience this level of anxiety.

I have never been able to express all of this to any one person in my life, just some parts to a few. Mostly I try to downplay these episodes and the weight these thoughts carry in my head, but at times I become so overwhelmed I feel like I’ve lost control of my own mind.