TW: Self harm, irresponsible sexual behaviour 

TL;DR: I’m waiting for a spot in therapy and trying to figure out if what I have is BPD or some other kind of self-esteem related disease.

I (f25) recently broke up with my now ex partner (m24) after two years. 
We had some issues regarding his life management (his failure to set goals, secrets from friends and family about important things such as his university career, him being in therapy and dropping out, porn) and my take on men. And this is where it gets complicated.

The problem is I cannot seem to say no to men, I fail to set boundaries, whenever someone compliments me and asks me for my number I have a really hard time rejecting them, even when I’m in a relationship. 
I recently cheated on my partner before our break up and told him everything but we don’t see a future because of my actions. 
It was with someone I noticed at the library at my uni and there always was such a huge attraction between us, that when he gave me attention and showed interest I just couldn’t cope. We’re still in contact.
I feel like the breakup is easier for me because I’m focusing on the new guy straight away and I’m compensating.

Apart from this, it was like this for all two of my previous relationships. It was clear for me in my head that I should break up but I couldn’t until I found someone who showed interest in me and seemed like the “safer option” or any option at all.
In relationships I tend to feel like the person is perfect in the beginning but later on, when I notice a flaw/ problem, I’m overanalysing it to the point where I’m convinced I need to break up and then go and fuck the relationship up.

I’m having a hard time accepting myself for this and In general. I feel alone, even when in the relationship, I have a lot of self hatred within me and used to self harm whenever I was mad at myself. I used to have depression and sometimes still have suicidal thoughts. I was bullied at school because I’m really tall for a girl.
My father beat me and abused me psychologically when I was a child and I ‘ve never felt loved by him. 
I don’t know if my self sabotaging behaviour concerning men and relationships is a result of all of this,if deep down I’m convinced that I don’t deserve to be happy. 

I don’t know which mental illness this could be, maybe BPD? I’m feeling very bad at the moment and I’m in desperate need for help. The only thing that keeps me going is the attention of the man I cheated with and I know that’s not good, especially because I took zero time to process the ending of my relationship. Plus, I’m acting really strangely with the man I cheated with and I’m sure he’ll lose interest pretty soon.

If anyone knows which illness this could be please let me know. I’m really helpless and I feel like it can never get better. I just can’t understand myself and I hate myself…

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this!