Throughout my life and 23 years of being on this planet, I've always made the assumption that being happy is the default emotion that we feel, that we're born happy and bad things happen that can make us sad. What I'm realising now or have known for a while but never articulated to myself is that you have to work really hard to be happy, you have to put so many pieces in place to feel good, friendships, relationships, family, health, financial, hobbies, wellbeing etc. You can never just *be* happy. That's not the case with feeling unhappy, feeling unhappy is so easy, you just do nothing and it's like there you go, you feel awful and unmotivated.

I don't know why our brains do this to us, why do I feel anxious and sad and unmotivated all the time, how is that beneficial? Why does my mind want me to suffer? 

The thing that sparked me writing this is that today was a fairly good day for me, I went to the gym, got some work done, just a standard day and I was feeling pretty good, maybe not happy but good. I thought I was going out tonight with my friends but we are all quite laid back about making plans so it gets to about 6 pm and everyone starts asking everyone if they're about or what the plan is, nobody asked me if I'm coming out or free or invited me tonight. I'm basically the only one who's not going out now because my friends just didn't ask me. I could put a message in the group chat enquiring what everyone is doing but I don't want to just invite myself. The point is now I feel upset, it doesn't matter that I had a decent and productive day because this one bad thing happened and now it's all my brain wants to focus on. I guess some people can control it "just focus on the positive" people would tell me but I can't... that's not how it works, not for me anyway. 

I'm not that bothered about actually going out, will just watch a movie have an early night, it's whatever. Just wish I could ignore the sadness, why can't my brain just focus on the positives, generally and specifically today? why does being grateful and happy have to be something we have to really put our mind to, but subconsciously our brains try so damn hard to make us sad?