**CW: Mentions of; Sexual Violence, Suicide, Suicidal Ideation, Emotional Abuse, Parental Abuse**.

I want to preface that I have ADHD as well. I was originally diagnosed in 2019 with BPD, but due to confusions with treatment and changing psychiatrists, the diagnosis "fell into doubt". I was re-diagnosed this year when I was also diagnosed with ADHD. I did 16 weeks of DBT in 2019 but never received long term support. Its only now that I have my ADHD under control that I have been able to save enough money to commit long term to a professional. I am what you would describe as "Quiet-BPD" and although its not an official criteria, it is the one I feel I most identify with and one my therapist believes I most closely match.

I am writing this post to offer some perspective, some support and some validation. It may help, it may not. I just want to offer the perspective of someone whose been through many aspects of the healthcare world trying to find treatment, as well as someone who went through the social world trying to find some sense of acceptance and trust. I am an open book so any questions, no matter how personal, I will try answer. 

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**Here is what I found helped ME. This is unique to ME. Follow this at your own risk. Most of this is just basic realisations but some of the advice may not be effective in your situation.** 

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1. ***Finding a therapist with BPD experience is essential.*** This is so important. I bounced around many counsellors partly because I had to stop and start due to financial issues, partly because I couldn't find one who I felt I could be really open with. Although the BPD stigma is quickly fading in the medical world, its still subject to inexperience. The most honest answer I've ever received was from a lovely counsellor who said *"I don't know if my treatment can help you as I don't really know how to tackle this. I think you may be better off with someone else".* Sometimes people want to help but simply don't know how. That's okay but its important to recognise. Inexperience can also bring some fear. I have dealt with junior doctors in treatment who (through no fault of their own), don't understand passive suicidal ideation or don't understand that this isn't something I can just snap out of. The language they used was clinical and very stiff. Some were scared to look me in the eye. I could never open up. As per my last post, I found someone whose speciality is BPD and the absolute difference it makes. She understands that when I say I think about suicide constantly, its a coping mechanism, not a threat. She understands when I say *"I don't know who I am sometimes".* She isn't afraid of me and it makes treatment so much easier. All she wants to do is help. This, paired with a psychiatrist who is an adult ADHD expert has helped so much. He is used to dealing with BPD as a comorbidity to ADHD and thus when we speak, he is quite blasé, not in the dismissive sense but in the sense of *"Ive seen this before, you aren't shocking me and I know what to do"*. It takes a while but those kind souls who want to and can help us are out there.  
2. ***You are loveable and you can and will be loved.*** Strings of unsuccessful or downright dangerous relationships often leave us with BPD wondering if we are ever going to be loved or if its possible to love us. Its a totally understandable reaction. I was convinced I was never going to be loved and had plans on taking my own life at one stage. Then, I found someone who loved me unconditionally. For two years, I was allowed to heal and grow. She's gone now. I left her due to self sabotage and as well a deep feeling of inadequacy. I felt I didn't deserve her. I couldn't handle it. I had also become very depressed and started to isolate myself in our apartment. She did everything she could to try get me out of there and see my friends. She had become my favourite person and thus I was totally dependent on her. When I realised this, I walked out. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I've regretted it every day for the last 6 months. But it was the right decision. I wasn't in a good place. I couldn't do that to someone I loved that much. But yet, I know I was loved and I loved her. We barely fought because there was nothing to fight about. The split was very amicable and every so often we speak. If I can find someone like that at the worst point in my life, to think I'm entirely unloveable as I get better is just foolish. We need more love and patience than most, both from others and ourselves. Don't try fill a hole with someone else when you need to learn to love yourself. Im more stable now and making good progress. That relationship, even though its gone, showed me forever that I can be loved. 
3. ***Trauma isn't just violence, it is also emotional.*** I came from a middle class background and went to a great school. I had friends and never went hungry or without water or shelter. My parents never hit me. Christmas was always lovely and I got great grades in school. I shouldn't have BPD from that description, right? That's the thing, from outside looking in, you don't see the trauma and pain both my parents carried from their childhoods into their family. You don't see the screaming matches my mother would have with my older brother, the times our schoolbooks were thrown around the kitchen, the lying and the manipulation. You didn't see the nights I would scream into my pillow and wish I was dead at the age of 10. You didn't see the constant comparisons with other peoples kids and the gaslighting. You didn't see father simply stop talking to his child for 8 years in a misguided attempt to "toughen him up". I have a lot of  anger towards my parents but they did the best they could with the tools they had. Their childhoods were a whole lot worse than what I experienced. They were beaten and screamed at and any time they felt there was something wrong, they were told to shut up, toughen up or that they were mental. Does it excuse what my parents did to me and my older brother, both of us who now have a BPD diagnosis? No. But it explains it. You don't have to be beaten to a pulp or go through horrific sexual violence to have BPD. I am not minimising the experiences of those of you who went through that, I'm simply saying that those of you who feel you don't "deserve" the diagnosis and treatment because you didn't go through that, you are valid. Your pain and trauma is valid. We aren't a community of oneupmanship in this regard, its the people outside of our community who do this to us. Get the help you need, do what my parents tried to do and break the cycle of trauma. Im doing it. I love both my parents deeply, it took time but I have forgiven them.
4. ***BPD is not an excuse for awful behaviour.*** Please read this **FULLY** before jumping to conclusions. BPD doesn't excuse awful behaviour and trauma that people with BPD can sometimes inflict upon friends and family. It doesn't excuse the lies I spread about someone in my friend group because I thought she hated me and was turning the group against me (quite the opposite). It doesn't excuse the pain I put my ex-best friend through because I couldn't reconcile my romantic feelings for her, trying to make her jealous then kicking her out from life only to beg her to come back. However, it does explain this behaviour and help understand it. As my therapist said to me *"the label of BPD is given to a set of behaviours that were absolutely justified in helping us survive horrific and chaotic developmental years, but they are behaviours that are maladapted to a stable world. People with BPD aren't used to having stable love."*. You should never use BPD to justify behaviours and actions towards other people, but you should use it to understand why you acted that way. **BUT** remember, you shouldn't live in a world of constant blame or guilt for past actions. You had NO idea how to cope with those situations, you did not have the tools! Yes, you've hurt people but don't blame yourself anymore than you should. You didn't have the tools to change behaviours and more than likely, you didn't understand why what was happening, happened. You were doing what you were thought was required to survive the torment and torrent of emotions that you were feeling. I look at my past actions as a means of improvement. I have made my amends and my peace with people who have caused pain to. I explained to them why what happened, happened. I am not entitled to their forgiveness and many times I have been denied it. But I am entitled to know that I couldn't have stopped what happened. I am entitled to forgive myself. You should too. You need to forgive yourself. Its a tough process to accept you've hurt a loved one. But being able to forgive yourself for simply not having the right tools to cope is so important on this journey. 
5.  ***BPD IS highly treatable and yes, you can achieve a life worth living.*** When I was first diagnosed with BPD, I made plans to end my life. No way was I ever going to play this hand life dealt me. Inability to have stable relationships, constantly wondering who I am, always feeling like every emotion was a gunshot to the chest? Its very easy to fall into this pattern of thinking. I am nowhere near remission of BPD but I can already recognise the areas where I improving. The difference has been startling. I guess the crucial thing of what I wanna say here is even the small steps I've made have already made such a difference in my life that I'm eager to learn more. A huge problem in the treatment of BPD is sometimes we either don't recognise that we need help, or that we aren't ready to be helped. I started DBT open and willing and it really helped. But, I didn't get other supports that I really needed. I was lied to and forgotten about by the system. When I found more help, I was extremely hesitant to engage and thus didn't get the full benefits. The best advice I can give you is that you need to **THROW** yourself into treatment. Failure and hiccups are **INEVITABLE** and that's okay. Managing this condition goes from a 24/7 battle to what I call somewhat passive. My brain eventually start doing a lot of the coping strategies automatically without prompt when confronted by a situation. Most I still have to actively remember and search for. But the difference is astonishing already.
6. ***You need to love yourself and be patient every step of the way. It's a long road.*** BPD is the ultimate example of a marathon not a sprint. Be patient with yourself, blaming yourself for not being able to use every DBT coping skill immediately after learning it isn't effective. It won't help you. But it is understandable.
7. ***If you can, explain to your friends and family you may need to rely on them a lot more for a while until you have the ability to deal with problems yourself.*** I love my parents but I can't really talk to them about treatment. They always ask me to confide in them when I need to but as mentioned before, although there has been improvements, my mother especially cannot handle these things. I have a good circle of friends and when I told them about BPD, some did walk away. Some told me they can't handle this at the minute but are happy still staying friends. Some I'm now even closer with. By saying this to them, you are not entitled to more of their time. You aren't entitled to anything other than what they're willing to give. Only they can decide what they can give you and what they can do. This doesn't entitle you to treat them like your therapist. However, I will say, the understanding and compassion that people can show you after you tell them is incredible. I mentioned something to my mate and he said *"yeah, that's to do with your sense of self not being stable"*. I was taken aback and asked how he knew that. He said *"oh me and the other guys have been doing some reading and what not, so we can try to help better."*. I was blown away. **IMPORTANT:** This is done at your own risk. Sadly I know so many of us don't have a friend group like this. But if someone is willing to help you, what have you got to lose? Weigh up the risks of doing this carefully. I lost some friends because of this and its very tough, but the closeness and understanding I gained was life saving.

I hope this helps someone. Feel free to share your story or your opinions.