I've spent hours reading things and watching videos from BPD patients and therapists etc about living with BPD and they all go on and on about DBT like its this magic thing. 

But then say things like it takes years to make improvements and when i look it up online (it being the workbooks and text books etc) it just seems to be this hippy bullshit along the lines of breathing and picturing relaxing places to calm yourself or writing flow charts about your crisis and triggers etc?? 

Like I'm sorry but if the only life i can have is misery, suffering and complete loneliness until your 4 year treatment 'works' then i'd rather slit my wrists then bother. 

I just feel exhausted and angry. I hate myself and my constant self destruction but the only option is to just Stockholm syndrome my brain until i live a half bearable existence but that takes years to even begin to work let alone actually make any change to me and my quality of life. 

I find myself begging to a god i don't believe in to just give me some deadly incurable disease so i can finally die without having to feel responsible for my family. Because suicide is selfish and bad but if i die sick then no one can see the monster i truly am. 

I just hate myself. The only consistent thing in my life and personality is the emotional pain i go through every single day and i just feel like i can't take much more. 