I'm 22, female
I'm a student, I work, I try to manage symptoms of depression and anxiety and just now was told by a psychologist that my symptoms do fit with most of the DSM criteria and "if I feel these symptoms are impeding a better quality of life" and feel DSM would help, I can be diagnosed and treated as someone with BPD.
I've have a bit of trouble with substances before. And I was able to stay away from most of it for about a year. But now, this BPD thing and the fact that I'm new to it has been weighing so heavily on me. I said before that I identified with 8/9, and the 9th symptom was because I didn't tell my psych about some thoughts I was having. But now these paranoid thoughts or delusions or whatever have been getting worse, I haven't told anyone, and they just seem so intense and so true and so right that it scares me. My thoughts tell me I'm a horrible person. And there's nothing I can do to change it. That I've already done a huge amount of damage to my friendships just by my manners and my personality and just the way I talk and say things. That in their minds, though they're not telling me at the moment, they've already decided to end the friendship. Now I'm just kinda waiting and expecting them to tell me. It's so intense and I can't tell my friends because I'm already screwing up the friendship by existing *and* I think I'm nice but my thoughts are letting me know that I'm way more abbrasive and rude in person, but I just can't see it because it's me. Drinking also helps because it makes me think everything is funny, so if someone does something I believe to be rude, I can just laugh it off (in lighthearted or very dark/violent ways, it's kinda scary).
LONG STORY SHORT!
I'm having all these thoughts and it's afternoon, I still have assignments and work to do but I'm taking shots by myself in my room alone in my apartment. Help? I know that drinking slows down some of these thoughts for me which is why I might keep drinking which is bad. Anyone have any experiences around that?? :(