I have been aware of my BPD for a few years now but I never really thought it affected my life that much or displayed very obviously in my life. That is until about a few weeks ago when when I caught myself mid episode and realised how much this illness affects me, and how obvious it was. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

I (F) had gotten into a rs a few months ago, my first rs. Naturally, I thought she was the loml, I had never felt such bond and love for any human being that way before. It was amazing, I can't explain it but I’m sure those with bpd know what over dependency feels like.

Nevertheless, my over dependency got so bad that after only a month of dating I was ready to dedicate and throw away my entire life for whatever future she wanted. My mood depended on how she felt, sometimes I went into anxiety attacks when she said she was sad.
3 months later, one day out of nowhere she told me she wanted to break up. Her reason: she said she had horrible anxiety constantly about the rs, etc. I had never seen myself break down that much that night.

And then I did the worst. I begged her to stay.
I told her I would do anything, that she can't leave no matter what, that I wouldn't survive. (TW: self harm; skip para) I even, for the first time, sh, and told her. Yes, I'm not proud of it, in fact I'm so ashamed. Idk what possessed me to come close to that.

TLDR; I went CRAZY on her, begging, crying. I had even screamed at her, (the person i loved most) calling her a liar, calling her names, saying how much I hated her and wish I never ruined my life by meeting her. She remained calm kept saying "I know I'm sorry". And I saw myself split and went from screaming names to saying I love you so much and begging her to stay. I can't even imagine what her pov would've looked like.

Anyway, I'm getting over the break up now which is extremely tough but ik I'll be fine. I have apologised and explained and we're on good terms now but I just wanted to share the first time I've seen my BPD in action, especially in a rs.