Wall of text incoming. Sorry but I need to vent my situation along with my feelings.

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I've been feeling like trash lately. I have so many things going on and few of them are good. Last December I became homeless for the third time in my life after my landlord jacked up the rent to a point I could not afford. I was already just scraping by. I finally moved into a new place with my partner a few weeks ago. But back in June I injured my back at work. I was out for over a month and got workman's comp, but they stopped so I had to return to work. Within a week I was hurt again, but worse this time. My doctor gave a note for me to stay out of work and my boss fired me for missing too much work. And workman's comp won't pay out because my now former employer won't submit the paperwork. So now I have this new place I can't afford. When I was canned, I literally had 20 dollars on hand. I'm burning myself out trying to raise some money. Selling my games, magic the gathering cards, my bikes, instruments. All of which are special to me because they are lifelong hobbies. Pretty much everything I own and I still won't get by. I feel like such a loser. Everyone I know has good jobs and stability. But being injured, I'm very limited as to what I can do. I've been applying all over, but I get rejected so quickly. Mostly all I've ever done is fight a war and sell retail shit to rich people. At least at war you get a gun. 

So trying to branch out into anything else seems impossible, especially being in my mid thirties. I went to college, got an MA, but no one cares because it wasn't a top school. I'm already sensitive to rejection and when I'm this desperate, it makes it so much worse. My partner is trying to float us, and we may just make it, but it's ramen noodles for a month. Family won't help because they are "tired of bailing me out" and just give me shit about how successful my sister is (and boy is she). I don't have many friends left, largely because I moved a couple years ago far away from everything after a bitter divorce. Most people turned on me during that period, anyway. Most people I know are friends of my partner, who are largely Harvard educated and all that. Basically smarter than me. Not that that says much. I did join the army after all. It makes me feel inferior. Everyone is doing fine but me.

On another note, I am Polyamorous, but I haven't been able to date outside of my main partner since before Xmas. Not that any of that panned out. I'm lucky to get the first date. She, on the other hand, has 3 other partners, most of whom I like, and gets invited to swinger parties that I am no longer invited to because no one is interested. I just get stuck alone. But it has begun to bother me when she goes out because I feel alone. In the past, it was fairly even, I'd be out some nights, she'd be out some nights. Now, I get nothing. Part of me doesn't even want to be poly anymore because I find it so discouraging. Again, I feel like a loser. I didn't have a place to live never mind bring partners over to, and now I have a place but no money, and having this place may be on the line because of my own incompetence and bad luck. I am terrified of bringing this feeling of wanting to take a break from poly with my partner because she is so invested in it. She's the only thing keeping me from downing those painkillers next to my bed, which have been calling my name on those nights alone. And before anyone blames her, she does offer to stay with me those nights, but I tell her to go because I want her to see them. I don't want to be in the way. I'd rather suffer alone than to bring her down with me.

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Ok, Imma go smoke a bowl. Thanks for listening (reading?). No one else seems to want to.