I’m 33 and I’ve had BPD since my teens. As I get older and more educated about this disorder I ask myself so many questions. Many of the people I’ve been “in love” with in my life I realise I did not even know very well, I was merely infatuated, sometimes for years (most were narcissistic assholes that never even liked me back and treated me like garbage), and the people that did love me back (supposedly), I lost interest in and dumped eventually (some after 1-2 years together) without an ounce of regret or remorse. This makes me wonder if I’m even capable of true love. I feel I love some of my friends and I would feel sad if they died for example but at the same time I’m so numb that I feel nothing can really affect me anymore. I know love is hard to define for anyone (even normies) but I often feel like maybe the “love” we have for others isn’t real and is all about filling a void within ourselves and how we perceive them to be (a couple of my exes have told me that I seemed to love a version of them I made up in my head that doesn’t even exist). Does anyone else relate? How would you describe love? How do you know you’re in love and not actually idealising a stranger? Is this typical of BPD? For context I think I’m high on the narc spectrum and often suspect I could be a covert narc but I clearly have BPD (I have a diagnosis). Thanks. This disorder really sucks