I’m recovering and coping with bpd well now... but there’s days where I would think back to the old times where I did/ say horrible things to others and feeling bad after. I was oblivious to why I did those things.

Now that I understand, I would think back and start hating myself again. I feel so guilty for what I did in the past. I felt like the old me made decisions and judgements based off fear of abandonment. 

I started from being promiscuous because I couldn’t stand the idea of being alone. When I did start dating, I’ll try to make them jealous or cheat on them towards the end of the relationship so that ‘I won’t get hurt’... I guess it’s my way to pushing them away... 

I have never felt so alive in my life ever. But I feel like recovery also comes with guilt/Shame of myself in the past.  I sometimes feel like I deserve it because I hurt so many people in the past. I don’t know if I’m the only one that feels like this? If anyone have similar experience? Please share