I was talking to my high school friends (we have been friends for more than 10 years now), and I've always had a problem with feeling fatter and uglier than them, stupider than them, and overall, my confidence diminishes whenever I'm with them. 

I thought I was getting better, but during the talk, Friend 1 was going on about how smart Friend 2 is (she's currently doing her PhD in Education), and I was having a hard time because Friend 1 has a history of putting Friend 2 on a pedestal, and I think, by proxy, she doesn't really see much in me. She never talks about me the way she talks about Friend 2.

I was trying to stay calm, but then, my boyfriend starts shouting at me while I'm on the call, and I abruptly hang up. I get upset and want to call Friend 2, but when I call her, I start lashing out at her because I'm jealous and shitty and upset and I hang up before doing anything worse. Now that this happened, I've been silently spiraling and keeping quiet about it.

I hate myself. I hate that I get jealous. I hate that I look in the mirror and cringe. I hate that I'm so not confident in myself that I can't trust myself to do the right thing at work. I hate that I'm too stupid for my job and I hate HATE HATE that I have depression. It makes me abusive to myself and I hate that I'm a terrible person. 

I'm going back to therapy, but I have nobody to talk to. Nobody knows what to do with me. Not even my previous therapist knows. She just pushed me to get medication but medication completely screwed up my sleep. I. Couldn't. Sleep. It sucked. I don't know what to do, I hate being myself.