I dont fucking know what I want. I definitely feel a lot "better" than I did. I'm not crying myself to sleep every few days, and suicide isnt at the front of my mind 24/7 anymore. But I dont know if that's better. Just an absence of pain doesn't feel so great when theres still an absence of happiness as well. At least back then I felt like a human with actual emotions, even if that emotion was sadness. Now there's just nothing. 

No happy, no sad. No excited or bored, just here. Its feels so much lonelier here. It's like emotions were my bridge into actual relationships with people, and even if I only built them to run away from my own thoughts, it was at least something new to see, some new part of a friend I hadn't seen before. 

But now I'm just stranded here, nothing to do, nowhere to go. Life doesn't even feel real anymore. It feels like it's been flattened down because obviously I couldn't handle the "real deal", so now I just get the version that makes sure nothing is too exciting just to make sure nothing spirals out of control. There is no "really cool", just "mildly interesting". There is no "outright depressing", just "mildly inconvenient". Theres no flying highs and dramatic lows. Just generic events I barely have the energy to register and care about. 

Its hurting my relationship with people. I just dont feel like I can care anymore. I know everyone has incredible depth and complexity, but I dont have any motivation to explore it. Even if I had the energy, it wouldn't do anything. The difference between mutual acknowledgement and occasional small talk is only a tiny step down from true understanding. It's like both options are so emotionally similar it's not worth the energy to make that change. Just one small step below mutual acknowledgement is existing alone, just me, a computer, and a small handful of friends who I talk to online every other day. I know I should be sad, having no really deep or meaningful relationships anymore. But that kind if sadness isnt far enough away from anything else for me to care. That sadness isn't there, just like the happiness I should get from connecting to other people.