I hate telling anyone besides my therapist what im thinking/feeling but i cannot afford her so here I am 🤷🏽‍♂️

So, I was in a relationship with this super awesome girl who got me in ways that not everyone could, being that we're both trans and have to deal with the same issues surrounding our community. Well anyways, ya I ruined that. She went out of town to spend the weekend w her friend which I was fine with till all of a sudden I wasn't. I was happy she was out having fun but then it was like something in my mind just broke. I full out panicked that she'd find someone else and dip, or that she'd cheat on me, etc. I knew things would be fine but I freaked out at her anyways. I honestly can't remember what all I said, but it was some super toxic stuff which caused her to leave. I knew it was toxic as hell as I was saying it but i couldnt control myself and just be quiet?? I've had people say the same things I did, to me and it was really shitty. So I understand why she left bc I probs would have also. But now it's been a few mo and I'm still disgusted by what came out of my mouth. This isn't the first time this situation has happened either but it's the one that hit me the hardest. 

It's been a couple mo now but I can't seem to stop thinking, why bother letting someone get close to me like that if I know what the outcome will be? All it seems to do is hurt me, make myself feel like a pos, and make the other person wildly uncomfortable. I tried my best to control myself and my actions but obviously I can't. So honestly I feel like I shouldn't be with anyone ever. Like maybe I just don't get to be one of those people who gets to be happy with someone. Obviously it's not what I want but maybe it's how it has to be. Currently not enjoying my day haha