in the past few weeks i feel like i've gotten to a weird place internally where i am almost completely stoic, because i feel like ive come to the conclusion that i have fucked up enough and that this is so far gone for me, that i am going to kill myself at some point, and that some point might be in the foreseeable future. i either break down or maintain a completely normal exterior while my brain feels like it is rattling around about my life past/present/future. 

somehow I feel like the election has just been sucked into that? i'm not sure if its denial, but theres a part of me that is like this is so crazy anyways, that i feel so crazy anyways, that im not really moved by this. i am (obviously) an emotional person, and am particularly politically active. i am a crier, and i think i'm one of the few people i know who hasnt cried. part of me feels like my world is so upside down anyways that this doesnt really make a difference. and, that i have come to peace with at some point ending it before it becomes obvious to others how sad and empty my life is, so an america under trump wont be a reality for me. 

(i guess conversely: anyone feel suicidal, feel particular about how/when they would go, and feel like this is a cause i would sacrifice myself for? that i want to go anyways, that i am a privileged white girl and this could be my way of having a positive impact on others lives?)