
(follow along to the best of your ability 😂😅) 

mania is all fun and games until it isn’t. 

i left my 6 year relationship last feb &amp; it triggered my first episode (i didn’t know i was manic until a couple of months ago 😳. i just thought i was happy &amp; thriving being out of my previous relationship. silly me). 
i went from working part-time and going to school part-time (that’s all baseline me could handle 😅) to being manic &amp; working 60-70 hours a week as a program coordinator, a full-time nursing student, a single mom to a 4 y.o, talking to 4-5 dudes at a time. my days started at 5 am and didn’t end until 2-3 am. 
i was doing the damn thing tho. i felt like wonder woman when i thought about all i was accomplishing. (it also took adderall &amp; 3-4 bangs a day to help complete day-to-day responsibilities. 😅)

then episode came to an end 1.5 year in. neglecting my basic needs as a human &amp; constantly on the go caught up to me. it all came to a halt when i got mono (i didn’t find out until 3 weeks of having it though)

when i crashed, i slept for 40 hours straight. every inch of my body hurt. i was depleted. i had nothing in me. standing &amp; walking around the house for 10-15 minutes would result in a 2 hour nap every time. i thought i was dying. 

two months later, im still out of work &amp; nursing myself back to health, physically and mentally. aside from the physical aspect of healing, a mental struggle ive had pertaining to bipolar  is experiencing who the “real me” after a lengthy period of not being it.  

baseline me is a laid back, go with the flow, spaced out, careless, low energy, content in her bedroom to herself. 

i became so used to autopilot mode. all the responsibilities i had were effortless to complete. i miss it. i miss it so much. silly me wishes she could trigger a hypomanic episode so she can get back out there and grind again. effortlessly. it allowed me to become the type-a, extroverted person i wish i was born as. 

now… i’m me again. im back to having an hour convo with myself to complete a load of laundry.

all i want is to be able to be self-sufficient so i can give my daughter a better life. i wasn’t established before i left her dad. i worked part-time so i could be at home more and school was an ongoing thing. i was starting from ground zero after leaving him. i was able to accomplish the goals i had that contributed to independence. 

before i knew i had mono, i quit my job (that ran me to the ground and abused me—don’t regret it.) thinking i just needed a good night of sleep and i could easily find something to replace that job. little did i know it would be months before i would feel better. 
funds are drained. ive never been food scared until now—i don’t wish it on my worst enemy. 

im finally at my baseline and my health has drastically improved since the beginning of my mono/ending of my episode. 
my thoughts are not depressed or euphoric. i feel normal. 
so ive been soul searching &amp; learning to love baseline me. i grow to love and appreciate her more so each day. 

i miss her. the hypomanic me was the driven woman i always wanted to naturally be. 
but being hypomanic me didn’t say no, didn’t prioritize food, didnt allow herself the time to sit with herself, abandoned her morals and values so she could fill a void, lost time with her daughter bc of the workload, wasn’t the empathetic, whole hearted, and genuine person i primarily know.  

i say i miss it, but in all reality, stability is what i crave the most. 

i wish you all the best while dealing with this mood disorder. i sometimes question “why me?” but i quickly remind myself that i am a good person and have done nothing to deserve this. not a single one of you have either. being a human is weird. 8/10 recommend.