TW for bad habits, self harm (kinda)


not bite, but actually pick at and like... rip off the nails
my nails are so short and damaged but i have been doing this my whole life, as long as i can remember. when i was a child i’d pick at my fingernails and when they were too short, move to my toenails. my parents would yell at my constantly about the noise it makes and i wouldn’t even notice i’d been doing it. 

if i’m stressed out i just space out and start doing it. during bad dissociative episodes i’ve ripped entire nails off and not realized until hours later. i don’t know how to break the habit because i don’t REALIZE i’m doing it. biting polishes don’t work because i don’t bite at them, so i’m not tasting the polish to bring me back. i’m so self conscious about my hands (i also have adult eczema) and people often ask why my nails are so short. i often lie because telling them my mental illness makes me rip my finger nails off isn’t the best conversation starter. recently in the last year things have gotten very bad, and i do it all. the time. my roommates constantly yell at me to stop because they can hear the picking, but it’s the same as before where i just start again two seconds later without even realizing. 
just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this, and if so were you ever able to stop?