I was always an active kid, I did all types of extracurricular activities like singing and dancing. I think after the pandemic started and I was stuck at home all day with severe depression and a self harming addiction, I stopped caring much about anything. It was all blamed on being lazy. I used to sleep my days away, never get up other than to eat or drink. I passed my classes by cheating. I didn’t even wanna go out anymore. 

I don’t have the option of staying in bed anymore, I do over 10 hours of school and studying. I have to keep my grades up, and make my parents proud like my sister did. At least that’s what everyone expects of me. And I do good, I maintain great grades that are enough to put me on the top percentage of my class. But it’s mentally draining. 

I know I’m doing more than just passing, I’m passing with more then average marks. But why do I still feel like I’m barely doing good? There are times when I do great and then I crash and stop studying altogether. My ‘laziness’ is blamed for that. 

Last week I missed a lot of days in school because i genuinely couldn’t seem to get out bed. I thought to myself: “why do I care? I’ll be dead soon anyways.” Again, my laziness was blamed. 

I’m not lazy, you can’t flip a switch and go from a kid who was active and happy to a kid who can’t seem to get out of bed. Why does no one see that?

I don’t know if I’ll go through with my plan, but I hope I do. Mentally I’m bleeding out, but I’ve always been told I exaggerate my pain, physically and mentally. I’m pathetic, I look for excuses for being lazy and useless.

My death will redeem me. It’ll prove I wasn’t exaggerating, it’ll validate my feelings for once. I’ve grown up around people who don’t believe me and I’ve learned not to believe myself either. How do I know if I’m truly dying?