So, there's no easy way to write this out, it's still a bit of a scramble in my brain. 

Lately, I've been feeling okay. Not calm, not anxious, just lost in thoughts, most of the time really. I find that meds have made it easier to notice my feelings, desires, and thoughts. Even more so, it made me more aware of **what I don't want to do, what I don't like, and what I have been doing simply out of fear.** Sure, this applies mostly to my job, and my personal projects, but recently I've started noticing it in my private, emotional life as well.

The problem is, that while I'm not anxious, I also don't feel the need to be in control. I don't feel the need to understand everything and everyone. I don't feel the need to deconstruct or analyze. There's no real need to achieve, not much of a drive to accomplish things, to finish projects. 

**And so, I keep asking myself two questions:**

1. "What do I really want out of life when there's nothing to fear?"
2. "How much of me was just the result of decisions made to relieve and combat anxiety?"

And honestly, the last two weeks, these two questions have been fucking with my head a lot.

I've been known as that intelligent guy, the one that has things under control, that can see many sides of an issue, and can analyze things and people in depth: all good things, all quite useful. Rather unimpressed, sometimes angry, rarely sad or happy, just an observer of everything, myself included. Would be more open or go deeper on rare occasions, and it would usually catch people off guard.

See, it's not that I dislike these parts of myself. They helped me create lots of amazing things and helped me meet great people. I just don't know whether they have always been there or whether it's part of my personality that got the most spotlight because it combated anxiety most effectively. I don't know why it's so important to me just yet, to solve this "identity" puzzle, but damn, it just sits in the back of my head.

Has anyone ever felt just so lost after getting medicated? How did you deal with it? What conclusions did you reach?