It’s been about 3 months since my last post.
My partner and I called it quits a month ago for reasons beyond our control. 

Today for the first time in a long time I was 100% honest with them. 
I told them how I felt in our relationship. I told them the fears i had while being with them. 

I hate that I had to bring it up with them. Coz they didn’t know at all how much I held back when it came to making things work. 

I never truly explained how hurt I felt when we argued and how I didn’t tell them how upset they made me. 

I did expect them to be shocked but I didn’t expect them to throw it back in my face claiming “ I’m calling them a controlling no good partner who never let me be happy”

I was definitely avoiding upsetting them coz they did let their temper get to them. I would end up in tears begging for forgiveness. My fault or not just to calm the situation down


I would not say my relationship with them was toxic. We had incredible memories and we truly loved each other. 
But with every fight where I faultlessly apologised my heart sank further. 


When we separated I was completely relieved, only then realising my love for them had lowered significantly than I claimed it to be.


I finally got closure today, but at a great cost. We had been trying to stay civil with each other and have some sort of significance in each other’s lives but …. I think with my honesty today we lost that. 

I haven’t heard back from them since 4pm and it’s now 3 am. We have a time difference of 2 hours.

I haven’t had a good semester tbh. And this was the icing on the cake..  
I’ve been struggling a lot and it’s been so much harder with the break up. 

Im failing half of my subjects and im pretty sure if I don’t get my shit together I’ll loose my scholarship. 

I feel like im just sinking lower and lower into the ground and… I don’t know how to go on. 

Im trying not to get into my “depression routine” I want to push past this but I just need someone to tell me what’s my first step. I need to know what to do first.

Therapy is currently not on the table… I can’t afford it at all. My school counsellor is a little too cheery and preppy. Every time I went in there I felt like a unicorn threw up skittles into a bowl and was forcing me to “experience the little things”

I just don’t know what to do with myself rn.