I started looking for therapy in the UK under the NHS over a year ago now. We have 'self-referral' services for therapy here, and all the options under the NHS for self-referral tend to be the same ones your GP refers you to. 

I've moved county since I started this journey. In my last town, I applied everywhere available and was basically told: "we don't treat people with BPD". After that, from November last year to July while living in the area I was battling with my GP and psychiatrist about how I needed talking therapy or DBT for my BPD as I had a lot of unresolved issues as was beginning to feel like I couldn't talk to anyone about it, like I was a burden. Plus remitting memories of a sexual assault when I was younger, and another sexual assault and relationship breakdown during the searching for that. 

I had to drop out of school and move back with my dad due to BPD and those events. I moved to London because if anywhere will have some kind of help it's got to be London right? 

I moved back in July and one of the first things I did here was to apply to a new GP, ask for a referral and self-refer. The process always takes 3 months. I can't hold a job or my education due to physical disabilities and my BPD getting *that* bad. 

I just had my first telephone assessment, I had to disclose a lot of personal information so they could tell if I was treatable under their services. Of course, again, I'm too fucked for that. Clearly stated: NHS therapy is only for people with "mild to moderate anxiety/depression" or "workplace and family issues" and specifically "If you have one traumatic event, CBT is an option... but not if you have more than one traumatic event" (essentially word for word). The assessor said it's unlikely I'll be treated under them, but he'll look into the private services I could use. 

I told him I can't do that. Private therapy is £25-£280 per session, depending on the area (and London is the more expensive one!). I don't have enough money to even be on meds for BPD, I can't afford to even £25 to spare. I'm applying for benefits because of all of this, and of course, it's the current DWP in the UK, everyone's getting rejected.

The DWP: YoU'rE nOt MeNtAlLY iLl EnOuGh FoR gOvErMeNt SuPpOrT!

The NHS: YoU'rE tOo MeNtAlLY iLl FoR uS tO tReAt!

So I can't get any help because I'm too fucked for anyone, even trained professionals to handle. He told me on the phone that yeah this is bad news but I shouldn't let it get to me, but what am I supposed to do? I'm at the end of my rope with no options. There's nothing I can do! A trained professional just told me I can't be helped but also told me I should just try and "be fine" with that. Last time I got rejected I was suicidal for a month, and then I had the doctor at the ER after an attempt 'splain to me how "Oh no they would treat you! It's illegal to refuse service!" and "You really need therapy!" after I complained, only for her to read my medical history chart and backtrack all her words cus she knew they wouldn't treat someone like me. Imagine telling someone who's suicidal about this, who you know is, that they still can't get treatment and that they need to man up. 

&amp;#x200B;

I'm so sick of this. I've had a whole year of this and it's a constant mention in my friendship group, and yet every time I try and talk to someone about my issues, I get that "I'm not your therapist" "You should *really* look into therapy!" 

I'm more sick of that than anything. Jesus Christ, try and be me and get rejected from 10 different therapy services for being too fucked up for them. How dare you even imply to me, knowing me, *knowing all this*, that I'm not even *trying*. You should know I am, and to even suggest I haven't tried when I am trying 200% harder than any of you to get help, you have the gall to say that shit to me? Access to support isn't the same for me as it is for you! How dare you! Yeah, *you* could get therapy cus they treat *you,* because you're not as fucked as me and my country is only interested in helping people who are easy quick fixes. 

I'm so sick and fed up. I want to improve and heal and recover and get better but I can't even do that. The fucking NHS website's page on BPD had the audacity to say "therapy under the NHS is a treatment option for BPD". Absolutely, fuck you! I'm so sick of this. I've done everything I can, I've talked to charities, therapists, psychologists, I've searched for alternatives, I've self-treated, I've done so much more than I should even *have to!* 

&amp;#x200B;

I shouldn't have to spend a year searching for someone to talk to about getting raped. I shouldn't have to tell two GPs, a psychiatrist(to their faces) and 3 therapists that I'm seriously considering and have attempted suicide and still be told they can't help me. 

I want a fucking lobotomy at this point. Might as well right? They actually offer that under the NHS! 

(Joking! They'd only offer that if you just had *mild to moderate* depression!)