hi. We've probably never met and will never meet but I just want to talk about how I feel. the only reason I am still alive is my dad. I love and trust him. I know he expects me to achieve a lot but I don't know if I can. I don't want to let him down and don't get me wrong he doesn't put any pressure on me it's just that sometimes feel like I am not good enough for him. I had dreams. what happened to them? I don't want to kill myself because I am not strong enough. I just don't want to feel like this. I just want to wake up without the feeling of getting chased by demons. I don't have a lot of friends and non of them will understand me. I am in a foreign country I don't even speak their language. It's all because of my mom, she destroyed my life. I don't want anything bad for her I know that wouldn't help me. I can't thank my dad enough he is the only reason I get out of bed every morning. During school, the only thing I think about is the next time that I'll get to see my dad. I have told him previously that I was having these kinds of thoughts and he told me that he will take care of it but I have to wait since my school is not finished yet. Honestly, I don't know if my life will be better without my mom in it but I know that I don't want her in my life neither does my dad. I am pretty sure she will be just fine without us in it and you know what the worst part is? My grandma and grandpa are trying to get me to stay with my mom. I know they have hated my dad since their marriage. When I was younger they tricked me into thinking that my dad was an evil guy and that he was trying to destroy my and my mom's life. Only if I could go back in time and warn myself. My parents have been fighting since I was 3. I thought that was hard. Now, look at me. I hate my life and every single thing in it. I don't know if these feelings are just because I can't see the only person I like on this earth. But what I do know is that it's not easy living without any hope and goal. I am just alive. Not happy nor sad. Just alive. I don't feel anything I am not mad at my mom. The things that used to give me enjoyment such as playing video games and listening to music don't even make me slightly happy. I hate being alive. Every second is torture. It's the same story every single day. Wake up, go to school, spend 8 hours doing nothing and dreaming about the "happy" future, and come back home. I want to end it by saying I hope good days are waiting for us because if this is all that life can offer I don't see the point in trying. Thank you for reading, I just wanted to tell somebody how I felt.