I’ve been struggling with anxiety for over a decade, I’m only 22, but I can’t remember a time I didn’t have these problems. My journey with mental illness has involved countless evolutions and different types of symptoms over the years. What I experience now is very different than what I experienced in high school, for example. I’ve had a panic disorder since high school, which will come in waves. I can go a while without having them, and then they will pop right back in and last what feels like an eternity. 

I will say, my coping techniques have gotten a lot better. I guess my problem is, I’m going through another cycle of the bad anxiety and panic attacks around every corner, and I’m wondering, am I ever going to live without this? I’m genuinely curious, does this stuff stop at some point? I’m going to start seeing a doctor again, and I want to start medication. If I do these things, the things we’re supposed to do, do I have a chance at life? Will I be able to have a job, and a healthy relationship with myself and others? Will I continue living my life in fear? Everything about being alive terrifies me... I feel too alive and it feels so uncomfortable. I don’t know how else to describe it. 

I don’t want to die by my own hand, but I also can’t imagine another decade of this. Will it be in me forever?