i’ve come to realize that no amount of therapy or medicine is ever going to stop me from being self destructive. it causes me pain but a part of me loves seeing my life crashing around me. it makes me feel accomplished in a way, accomplished and kind of impressed that i managed to screw thibgs up so bad. i want to stop feeling pain but i don’t want to change. how sad. i don’t want to change yet i still am stuck in the cycle of hoping that despite that things will get better. they say that insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. well, when you live this way things don’t get better. they are destined to get worse, and crash, and burn