I’m gonna make this really short. Or at least I’ll try. 

I really hate meeting with my family. I love my mom, but the whole bunch- grandparents, dad, older siblings, niece and nephew - is just too much. It always has been. I just can’t stand the interrogations. This is why I barely see my family anymore. Only my mom comes to visit/to go for a walk every other week or so. 

Thing is, I was the first to go to (modern) college. My grandparents were teachers too, but the GDR/DDR handled the education of such vastly different (more like school for teachers). They always act like it’s no big deal or I’m doing everything wrong. My sister’s husband always acts like I’m still 10 (that’s when we met. My sister is 12yrs older) and puts me down, sometimes he’s even rude. He can be nice of course.

I’m not in a good place right now. I hate to talk about this so much, because it just makes me extremely stressed: I have to pass a huge Latin exam or I’m gonna get kicked out. I only have 2 other exams left till graduation and I even excel in some fields. It would be a shame and it’s completely my fault. But now I only have 40 days left. 

I also have to do a presentation on Tuesday about something I know nothing of (pushed myself to take a seminar that would broaden my horizons bc I liked the lecturer and he had advised me to do so after always encouraging my niche interests. It’s very hard for me). 
I have a presentation that counts as an exam the week after. And a party I am supposed to do the decorating for. My head is literally blowing up. 

My big sister, the birthday girl, is picking me and my little sister (also my roommate) up in an hour. I’m getting panicked already. They’re gonna poke holes in everything again, make me feel shitty, stupid, put me down. I recently even published an article with my linguistics professor and I’m very proud of it. But I can already see them just shrugging it off or twisting it around to make me feel bad.  

So today I have to put energy into this even tho I don’t have any. I just want to sit at home and work. I cannot cancel bc I did that several times before and my big sister got super pissed. Not that I’m of interest any other day of the year besides occasional, very rare babysitting. 

I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know when I can go home. They live 15mins from here but I’m gonna have to BEG for someone to get me home. I asked my little sister to back me up that we need to go home by 5 and she literally threw it back in my face with “Well maybe I WOULD enjoy spending time with my family!” And I lost it. I have to sit still rn, so I don’t go into rage mode. 

I really do not know what to do.