This may be a bit jumbled but here goes. First of all I'm a straight 27 yo female. At night especially, I get really down. I have onomatophobia which is fear of certain words, those words just happen to be slang terms for genitals that people often use in the form of insults or to refer to their private parts which is all very confusing and disturbing to me. This also ties in with my hatred of sexism and pornography. But I genuinely feel like I have no one to talk to about it. My SO and every other SO I've had has always told me the same thing, that "I only talk about the same thing." Even though this is something I hold back on talking about due to being silenced about it all the time.

The phobia especially has made things really hard for me. I can't make friends because so many people use those words in their language. I have trouble finding things to watch because of the normalization of those words as well, on top of nudity, sexism and sometimes brutal violence which I also have a sensitivity to. My older sister used to always pick on everything I did, wore etc and she always made me feel even worse about my phobia. If I asked to watch a movie with only clean language or even just basic cussing, not those words which are words like d**k, p***y etc, I was a bitch or stuck up. Because I don't like sexual humor or any of those above things, I feel outcasted. Even my own SO finds joy in those things and he gets so depressed because we have to tailor so much of what we watch. He feels like he can't be himself around me and I don't even know if it's right to stay with him. I've been trying to work on it, mostly for his sake.

I don't exactly know why I've ended up like this. But I feel like it might be because my cousin used to molest me when we were kids. He used to say disgusting things all the time including those words. For as long as I can remember I have these sensitivities to things that are degrading to people or horrible to them in some way. I just feel like I have no one to vent to. Any friends I used to have, have drifted away for one thing or another... My SO asks why I cry and it's because of all this. I just sometimes can't find the words to explain it all. Or if I do explain it, I get no comfort about it. He usually just ends the conversation with "That's just the way the world is." Like, I KNOW that's how it is. But it hurts people like me. And I feel like I can't seem to find anyone else that feels the way I do. Sorry for the essay. I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks for any thoughts and I hope to find some people that might have some common ground with me.