my psychiatrist insisted i go at least 30 days without smoking pot and then fucked off on vacation at the same time my therapist is on vacation.  i've been smoking several times a day for the past 7-8 years, only taking breaks when i was traveling and couldn't find any (no longer than 5ish days).  i'm autistic along with some bpd/ocd mishmosh, and weed has really helped me in life - it helps me relax from the anxiety, it helps slow things down and be less overwhelming, and most of all it makes my brain slow down so it's not a nonstop relentless shitshow of uncontrollable thoughts

i'm about to finish day 5 and i just fucking hate it so much.  i can go through the day just fine but at night it just sucks.  i get so angry at everything, i just want some thc in my brain.  i just want to be able to relax and calm myself.  i know i need to find a better way to cope with reality, but i don't know if this it.  then i also start to wonder if this is really evidence that i do need to take the month off even though it's gonna mean i'm gonna spend the next month fucking miserable and angry as shit.  i have some weed sitting in my closet so i can bail at any time.

i'm hoping i can make it until tuesday at least when my therapist gets back and then i can talk to her about it but i really don't know...  i've been punching/hitting myself in the head occasionally because of how fucking angry i am/how upset i am at myself for getting here in the first place.  i miss everything being funny, i miss feeling a sense of comfort while the world floods and burns, i miss being able to sleep without having to take 2 benadryl and 2 nyquil a night (and still not falling asleep for 3+ hours), i miss having an appetite and being able to eat more than a few bites a day.  

i just fucking wanna get high damn it.  but then i know if i do i'm going to start feeling like a failure for not being able to do this.  i'm fucking trapped in my own self loathing so i guess i might as well be high?  who the fuck even knows anymore.  hopefully i can make it until tuesday morning but i'm not confident i'll make it through tomorrow since my family is leaving town and it'll be just me.  shit i might not even make it through tonight