Throwaway for reasons - I didn't really tell anyone I know but only the people who are also impacted by that. 


Well, depression started for me when I was 19 years old and my mom died on cancer - that was a rough time. I still remember how I felt worse and worse until that day I literally felt nothing at all. And that scared the f*ck out of me. In retrospect, it does not feel like I wanted to kill myself but I considered that as a solution to my suffering. My mom was gone - the most important person in my life, my best friend (a freaking narcisst) left me alone, broken, and his last words towards me, when I asked why he is not willing to care for me - "I hope you rot in a mental hospital." And that thing broke my neck. It broke me was a person. 

So everything went from worse to horrible and I considered suicide as a solution. And that's when my most successful surviving instinct kicked in: my head. The head decided: no, that does not make sense to end your life. You may serve a purpose. You started studying, right? Do that. Hide. Hide in that. Keep yourself busy. That's the way.

And that's what I did. Until today I did not consider that as hiding. I was arrogant enough to think I might have overcome depression! I made it! I am special! I was really successful in my bachelor studies. But not because I am more intelligent than the average person but I was totally driven by fear and pressure. Depression pressure. And that thing made me learn like a maniac. I passed all my exams with awesome grades! But I suffered so much. I tortured myself with sports and lost weight because I hated myself during that time really much. But oh god, I did horrible things to myself. I used to constantly best myself down before someone else got the chance to do so - so I will be prepared. I will be prepared when I already overthink each horrible scenario that could happen. 

My dad was already sick at that time and that drove me even harder. You have to be quick! You're not allowed to make mistakes, hurry, or he won't be there when you're finished! 
Spoiler: he died before I graduated. And that broke me again.

All this time I valued myself in my study success. When I questioned my right to be alive when my mom died, I  gave myself a new one: be successful. Be a good student. Do something. Use your brain power. This is your right to keep breathing. You kust fulfill that. 

And that was a horrible mistake. Since then, my head used to make aaaaall decisions for me. So we have a relationship here. This is the way. We happy. No, no questiones! Be happy. Work a lot. Be a master student. Graduate. This is good. This is how it is supposed to be. And I used to hide even more. I literally trust no one, not even myself. And I always choose the darkness, to torture myself alone in isolation. A weird thing, I know. I just figured that out recently for myself. But: that's something I al familiar with. No surprises, no disappointments anymore. It's harsh, but I know what awaits me. And this is how I dealt with every feeling: I bottled it up, I ignored it and I always went back in the dark abyss when I couldn't handle a thing. 

I ran away. I just ran because I was scared for live and so lonely. Since my parents died, I feel like this void can never be filled. Or at least this is what I told myself. And I had a relationship with a good guy for now 8 years. I used to love him very much when I met him (before my mom got sick, we were a couple for 6 months when she died) but that just disappeared and.. I only felt guilty. I felt it as my purpose to make the person happy who 'saved" me and granted me "love". Long ago real love disappeared because I bottled that up. I boxed up everything I ever felt because I was just done. I was done with feelings and people and.. the weirdest thing - this relationship felt to me so normal. I said I love you to him automatically, I made him breakfast as a "good girlfriend" and I did all what a loving gf would do. I told myself (and I have been really good at convincing myself to stop question things!) That this is what love is. Routine comes sooner or later. That's fine. 
But honestly I felt nothing at all. I wasn't able to tell my bf what I really "wanted" and what not because I was so f*cking scared of bring alone. It was my very first priority core need to hide somewhere. I never talked with him about any of my dreams and tried to follow his wishes. He it not a bad person, don't get me wrong - he also tried to make me happy in his own kind of way - just because I convinced both of us that I am happy. This still sounds extra weird to me but yeah - I became such an professional liar. And I felt trapped. I never dared to think that but - my brain already made that up. Yep. We happy. This relationship that's it. He's a good guy, good salary, caring for you, you don't live together, you can always be alone. Good. That's your life. You will stay with him forget, that's save. No risk. We happy. Life good. 
We used to have separate Appartments because we.. never fully went in into this relationship. First I studied my bachelor and he was still on the search for a job and then when it came to my master he started a new job but I didn't like the university in his city so still stayed apart. I just picked the rosins. No responsibilities. No feelings, no thoughts sharing, hiding. Yes. 

So that's the basic background story. And now?
When I started my first job, I met a very special student. Let's call him a. A saw from the very first moment who I was and how much I suffered. Don't ask me why - he just knew. And we became closer and closer and he really wanted me to realise all of that. You could say he manipulated Me a bit to be able to see all those things. Because he knew how it felt because he also suffered several years from depression and also tried to kill himself several times. And he made me come alive. Fuck, we had so much fun and he really understood me. I realised I just had shitty friends all my life and went along with that. When you get like nothing, you lower your standards and tell yourself be grateful for that you have. Be thankful. Life is harsh. 
I valued myself sooo low. So low, I never considered myself as a real person. I allowed constantly other people to step over my own borders because I mattered so little to myself. I used to tell myself oh, look at you. Who the f. You are? Just a ugly girl with dead parents, no family, no friends. Better be grateful because that might be the best you can get. So be happy! Be happy what you have! Appreciate it! Good. Now happy? Yes? Good. 
And that's how my mind worked. 

Well, back to A. He made me realise all those things and last week, he made me realise the harshest truth of them all : I don't really love my bf anymore. I just pretend to myself. That shattered me because what? That's my life purpose! I have to be a good gf! Care for him! Love him! Make him happy! No, feelings do not matter actually. I mean - a relationship is a relationship, isn't it? And you don't have to get your own will all the time. It's okay to make commitments right? That's also what love is about? 
That whole thing was a commitment. 

Well, I found no healthy normal way to communicate that to my bf. So I felt like an overboiling pot, just broke up via phone and felt like most horrible bitch on this whole planet. I broke up for two reasons: I realised that I lived a lie. But my brain always wanted me to go back fulfill this purpose. And the second reason was: I fell in love with A. Because he really cared for my needs and could handle that. Well.. the last few days felt like 3 years of live; and now I broke up with the only person I used to be "close" to and felt back into depression. 

In the meantime, A tried everything to make me realise I have to seriously deal with the depression and I have to go for a treatment. I didn't want to hear that. So he made me realise that I am still depressed and just ignored. 

I can not care for myself. I only visit a physician when something hinders me from working. I suffered several weeks from digesting problems and horrible pain when going to the toilet - only when it was really unbearable I went to see a doctor. My room is a mess. Not only untidy but really a mess and it's super hard for me to tidy up and clean. I only do that when I am forced like someone is invited over or something. My only purpose or priority was to work. Always. Or at least in my free time do something productive. I didn't had any hobbies since years but reading or learning a new programming language because it also fulfills a purpose and is a good time investment. 

And here I am now. Starting to see a physician to get referred to a psychiatrist. I never wanted to take any medication. Because oh, that's only for the weak people, I am better than this! I am so smart and strong - look at me!

I am just a massive arrogant asshole.
Well and now, this is what happened. I don't dare to tell any of my "friends" because all of this feels still super insane. But I know, normal healthy people do not feel nothing for a long time. Healthy people to not thing about suicide every now or then, even when it's not explicitly planned. No, that's wrong. 
I hope that makes a little sense. 

Honestly, I don't regret burning down my 8 years relationship. First, I am back in depression mode and feel nothing at all. Secondly... No matter what kind of a good person he is, I got stuck. And I got the chance to hide. And that's no way of living.