I had the worst fucking episode today and I truly do mean the worst god damn episode of my stupid stupid life but I just really REALLY need to rant about something I’m so incredibly proud of despite all of it — just because I need to celebration SOME win or else I will dig myself into a depressive bpd cycle. 

today was an average day - not the worst and not the best in general, but the night was definitely the worst I’ve felt in a while. My partner has retroactive jealousy and it’s been ducking difficult yall. So much of the things we have an issue about are a direct bi-product of bpd and jfc if bpd didn’t exist, if my goddamn trauma filled past didn’t exist then I’d be such a different person and ugh maybe RJ wouldn’t freaking exist. Fucking bpd.

I’ve dealt with a lot of his really terrible and probably verbally abusive comments for ages now- and today, when he said something that had nothing to do with RJ at all but triggered my fear of abandonment and my sense of worthlessness, I snapped. Literally - he said nothing about my past and we could’ve just had a good night but I couldn’t get past what he said and just went at him. It was everything at once. An anger outburst (honestly such an understatement rn), suicidal af thoughts (I sat and held my knives for freaking ages), just all the shit that I was saying while also looking at myself and being like what the fuck are you saying, and just so so so so so much hate. 

For all the terrible things he’s said to me, I’ve never walked out on him and meant it though - even if I have walked out bc of fear of abandonment, I’ve always come right back. Today, he walked out on me. And I just want to celebrate the fact that in those first five minutes, even though every single thought in my head was SCREAMING at me to either end it or take the knife and cut my thighs like crazy — I did not.

I put the knives back and I left the living room and kitchen. I got into bed. I cried. But I did not get up and get the knife again. 

I don’t actually know if anything I’m writing makes any sense rn but just if you’ve read this far, just please appreciate the fact that I did not give in. 

I don’t know what the fate of my relationship is, but I’m trying really hard not to give up on my own self.