I am so suicidal and it just comes in waves and its all over the place sometimes I actually want to die and other times I don’t want to die I just want the pain to stop. I can’t even tell if I am depressed for some reason because I am still doing what I have to do so its probably high functioning depression. But today I am going to walgreens to get pills and I may actually do something. I dont know anymore. I am in so much pain and so confused by how I feel. I know suicide isnt the answer but it feels like my brain wants me to die against my will and won’t stop until i’m dead. I need help. I could go to the mental hospital but I just dont want to bother my family and my boss because I would be missing work and part of me just wants things to end with no intervention. Sigh I dont know I dont know I cant believe it has come to this what is wrong with me. Im so lost please im just ranting at this point.