why the fuck am I always scared why why everything is fine no? my boyfriend loves me, tolerates all my bullshit, so sweet and I just cant. no matter what or how or wow how amazing can a person be, no, still not enough nothing is ever. why cant he just be out drinking with his friend finally, and not him avoiding my company because I am not fun enough, pretty pr smart enough and he doesnt love me. why me having to travel for a few weeks does not mean me just spending time with my family, why does it have to be a relief for him and finally a chance to fuck around and rest from me. why him kissing me before going out feels like a petty oww poor you staying here alone, why cant if just be him giving me his warmth and his love. why him throwing a surprise birthday party, inviting my friends, blowing my mind, and later talking to my friend for a bit means he wants to fuck her, because she is smarter prettier and funnier than I am and he would fuck her if she was not my friend, and later I throw a hysterical tantrum crying and hurting that he doesnt love me. why couldnt it just him being the most amazing person, my rock star, my dream boy, warrior, who went out of his way to make my day magical, and later was talking to people in the room.
why him telling me he loves every atom in me, he never felt this much for anyone and it freaks him so hard, and he never felt such a weird connection with anyone and loves me to bits, to death means he is just trying to be nice because at this point we live together, he feels sorry for me and doesnt want to hurt me, so I dont throw a tantrum again. why cant it be my dream man, who I would die for, who gives me endless energy, makes me feel like a little kitten around him, makes me want to be the best of the best for him and rocks my fucking world since the day I met it, exposing his soul to me and giving me himself.... fuck fuck this is soooooo bad my mind is a monster