i'm so tired of expecting someone to be different. 
whenever i make a friend i'm so happy that someone likes my presence but bam; turns out they're only acting nice out of pity or because x person knows me and they don't want to upset *them*. 
i'm exhausted. 
no one is different, whenever i think i found someone i like (platonically) they get uncomfortable around me and don't tell me what's wrong, no matter how much i try to shape my behaviors and interests to match theirs, it's never good enough, i feel like the biggest fucking failure.
it messed up with my social anxiety so much, i just wish i knew where i went wrong in life for all of my friendships to turn out shitty. i only have one close childhood best friend, but whenever she talks about her friends i get upset &amp; it's humiliating that I mind her personal life this much, i feel so selfish. i wonder if i'm just victimizing myself because of some stupid mental illnesses. i don't know what to do anymore and if i even want to do anything, i hate everyone