Hey all, first post so let me know if I make an error! This will be about social anxiety / anxiousness about being on camera so please bear that in mind!

I took an online language course to brush up on my skills, it was a step outside the box for me so already a bit tough to even be in a zoom call filled with strangers. I have been doing really well up to now, participating actively and joining in with groups and I was really proud of myself especially as I wouldn't have even signed up for this before let alone (vocally) participate. This was supposed to be a small victory and it ended up hurting rather than healing.

Which brings me to my main point - webcams. Everyone has their camera on and I leave mine off - I sleep very little, and I really dislike people focusing in on me intently during classes. I recently had some sad personal news as well and my mood is much worse than normal, which I don't feel is anyone's business (especially not to be aired publicly in front of a class). Plus since we're all adults, we all have chosen to be here, and I've been trying to participate more vocally because I know it's not fun to teach to a black silent box, I figured it was alright, and it was fine for a week. 

But a new teacher started this week and she has constantly harassed me for keeping my camera off, calling it 'weird', 'unpleasant', that I am 'odd' for doing it. I am now panicking in class and I don't go anymore. This has really set me back and saddens me. Why should I as an adult have to publicly explain that I am not in a good state to be on camera, and that I actually participate better with it off? Just because someone has their camera on doesn't by any means mean that they're actually participating. Everyone else puts on their camera, but I can clearly already spot a couple of people zoning out who never speak - why am I the target, when they're participating less?!

This isn't school, or university - I 100% chose to be here in this specific class at this specific time, so please believe that I have a good reason if I do not put on my camera!

I'm just so frustrated that it was so intently picked on and her argument was "well if I saw you in the street I would see your face" uhh yes of course but have you not heard what's been going on? It really annoyed me that traditional opinions are still being applied to a crazy situation. I have really tried during COVID to work at things and no one seems to realise the effort it's taking just to show up to stuff.

I just really needed to get that out. I had a panic attack and had to leave the class this morning I was so upset. A full 5 minutes of complaining about how 'people' (aka, me) don't put on their cameras and other students joining in. /endvent :(