
even through our issues i could forgive him, i wanted him, i only had eyes for him. he made a lot of promises to me when he came back, things i really had my heart set on. now he’s just gone and i really never mattered to him. 

“i’ll never do it again.” 
“i know how i feel now and i want you please i don’t want to lose you.” 
“there’s no one i like spending time with more than you.”
“please just don’t go, i love you so much and i will never abandon you again.” 

he’s horrible person. he broke my heart so many times and he came back and he made me trust him and get my hopes up again and he left again and he blamed it all on me i’m typical R fashion. i told him i was concerned because all he’s really done is hurt me in the past. he promised he wouldn’t again. i’m so stupid. i just don’t understand how somebody could be so awful to another person. i loved him and i trusted him and of course he proved my fears correct. because he always does.

i know that the person who wanted me back wasn’t the same person who left me last night. i’m sure he really did mean those things at the time. but they stopped having any meaning when he settled into his old self the next day. 

i actually hate him now and it really takes a lot for me to hate somebody. only three others come to mind. first the guy that sexually abused me and stole my innocence. next my mom’s ex boyfriend, the one who hit me, intimidating me and gave me ptsd. i can’t even listen to loud music or a list of songs because of him. and my last boyfriend, the one who was literally buying weed for teenagers and didn’t offer any support when i was pregnant with his baby and he certainly wasn’t there when i lost it. and finally him, he just couldn’t leave my heart alone, he took advantage of how much i love him time and time again. i took advantage of how forgiving i am. 

to be real, he was a garbage person, very few redeeming qualities, but he was mine and i stupidly decided to look for a good person hidden under all of that when there isn’t anything inside him. so now he’s gone for good and i’m left with a question what now?