I'm sick and tired of drawing people in only to get anxious and fuck it all up. I'm so good at reading people, at being friendly and open—and then being so insecure that I derail any connection or chemistry.

As soon as I feel *any* sense of potential abandonment I freak out internally, and that drown out any sense if connection I felt before. It's intense, and a  self-fulfilling.

A aself-fulfilling prophecy: I connect, begin to like a person, become casually investe, and then way too invested in keeping that connection alive, acting in ways I know are crazy but can't help, letting fear override my previous experience. It's fucking obnoxious, and I act in ways that are selfish and repelling, until they *do* wind up leaving—

Or not. And then I'm uncomfortable being myself because I'm trying so hard not to be a crazy person that I wind up not being myself. Or at least, not the parts that I like. There's a lot of different "me's" and when one takes over, the others cease to exist. I just wish I could be the me I want to be 

But instead I'm unstable, and I very much dislike it.

