I don’t mean to sound dramatic. And I have no doubt that there are a lot of you here and elsewhere that have much worse problems than me. 

I just wish I could handle the internal results better. My problems are a mixed bag of external and internal factors both beyond and outside my control.

I’ve been seeing a therapist a few months for this and it’s been helpful but of course isn’t a cure-all. I’m also noticing how cyclical my ups and downs are. It’s like a pot of water boiling over. You notice. Turn off the burner. Remove some water. “I’ll be more careful in the future.” And then I end up letting it boil over again. 

My therapist has given me some great advice and insight into the interplay between things directly causing my stress and things that compound it or are the indirect consequence. Both inside and outside the scenarios i harp on the most. 

And the findings are eye opening. But also scare me because they have implications that are unsettling and scary to have to potentially face. And I will if I have to. It’s necessary. 

But all roads just lead back to feeling like I’m drowning. I’ve tried all manner of coping mechanisms from little mantras to standing up for myself, to myself, to remind me that I don’t have to be a doormat for my anxiety and stress. Sometimes it works. Most often it’s just a bandaid. 

I’m just tired.