I'm always excited for my birthday until a few weeks before it and then I start to dread it. It's this way with holidays too, I feel like my brain always ruins days that are "supposed to be good". But birthdays are the worst. It used to be I just would feel no excitement but now I actively dread them.

As my birthday approaches I get depressed just thinking about it, so I usually don't make any plans, and usually people don't even know it's my birthday because I don't tell anyone.  So then on my actual birthday I feel super depressed because no one wishes me happy birthday and I feel like I have no friends and "I wanted to have a good birthday". Then I get even more depressed when I realize it's all my own darn fault, just like everything else. Then I have a breakdown.

Anyways, my 21st birthday is next week and I've never felt this bad about a birthday before. And I'm trying my best not to ruin it but I feel like I'm already ruining it. I'm 21 and it feels like all I've got are failures behind me. I don't have many friends. And I don't have a single friend I can really talk to. And all of it is my own fault