If it isn't, go ahead and take this down or whatever, I read the rules and didn't see anything against it but I have adhd and could of missed something. Apologies in advance if I did! I'm new to reddit. 

I'm going to go ahead and vent below. Not looking for anything in particular but if you have any insight or similar experiences please share, I'm bad at responding but I will be reading. 

So I just hit the one year mark with my first boyfriend, I never had an relationships as a teen as I was bullied and depressed and insecure out the wazoo, ya know the usual. I don't have any reference to say this but I feel like this is probably the most healthy and happy relationships possible for a person like me.  He's incredibly sweet, understanding, patient and real with me. Not abusive in any sense. 

The problem I've been facing lately is just this incredible fear that if I admit he has a single flaw or did one thing wrong it'll shatter the relationship and I'll lose him forever. I know this is bullshit and we have had fights before and they were always solved by one or both of us admitting fault, talking through it and resolving. But every new problem that is on his end I have the same initial reaction: rationalize however I can that it's not his fault, it's my fault or nobody's fault, bottle my feelings, force myself to move on. 

I feel like this is incredibly unfair to him. It is. He is very good at calling out my mistakes in a respectful manner and working with me to solve the problem. I want to do the same for him, I know he knows when he messes up and I know he wants me to have some backbone and call it out. It makes him feel like a tyrant when I let serious things slide and I understand how bad that feeling is and it's not the case. 

I am getting better at this, but I still have the same unhealthy response 90% of the time. I really want to work on this, for us and for myself. 

Does anyone have a similar experience and if so, how do/did you deal with it? 

