I had a rough breakup from a toxic 3 year relationship a year ago and I’m still having trouble letting it go. I have a wonderful boyfriend now but I get triggered daily and think about my ex. I can’t listen to any of my favorite bands anymore, I can’t drive without either passing his house or seeing a replica of one of his three cars. Side note about cars: white cars trigger me, his family had 3, and my rapist has 2. I also pass my rapists house daily. Anyway, my ex made me deeply believe from day one that we are soulmates.. I’m still struggling to cleanse that from my soul. He did a lot of awful things to me but I can’t help but care for him and hope for his life to turn out happy. He hates me and wants to see my demise. I truly believe he was the worse one in the relationship since he isolated me and beat the shit out of me on our last day together (and beat me other times but so did I). He got me into hard drugs and was an addict himself. I can’t let go. I also see the kid who molested me for years’ Dad almost every night and I am just so fed up with all of it. Looking in the mirror makes me want to cut or kill myself, which I think about at least 6 times daily. I want to die, I think I might. I can’t get help. I’m void of hope. I’m going to relapse, or worse. Sorry.