I’m not looking for a diagnosis, I’m going to ring the doctor when the are open tomorrow but I’ve just come across BPD and it pretty much seems to be a perfect fit. I never suffered the typical neglect as a child but I do feel like I come an unstable and borderline abusive (in some respects) household. I’ve just been broken up with after a 2 years with my first serious girlfriend. We used to argue all the time and I’d get unnecessarily annoyed really easily, I would then always fear that she would leave me. Last month we argued and she said that if I carried on we couldn’t have a future, I went off the rails, was out, during a pandemic, till the early hours of the morning and slept with a friend of a friend twice. This broke my ex who said that we hadn’t broken up, we had just been arguing but we certainly are now. I feel bad for sleeping with the other girl, and then hiding it and now even more that the relationship i could see myself in my for life has broke down. I took a razor blade to my leg but I feel like they aren’t deep enough or long enough and they aren’t enough of them. A friend I confided in cake to see me and brought with him a note pad and some felt tips, I also read that using read felt tip can help satisfy the urge to cut myself and I have used it twice but it isn’t the same. My ex got wind of it and told my mum but that’s just caused even more family drama since I risk become estranged several times a year anyway and my mum doesn’t believe in mental health even though she is unstable herself. Now my ex is talking to me again but I find myself begging for her forgiveness. In the last month I’ve gone through every emotion possible but it’s starting to settle on just hating myself for what I did and what I ruined. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m speaking to a councillor about issues with my relationship with my family but I’ve haven’t had chance to talk about self harm or my relationship with my ex yet. 

I’m sorry if this is the wrong place for this