The only thoughts that give me relaxation are the ones of suicide. That happy imagination of keeping a shotgun under my chin and pulling the trigger. I forget all misery of this world after this. I just want to  do it so much.

Another one is me sitting in the shower with my radial artery cut. The blood just going down the drain. I go into shock. All the misery ending.


Or just climbing a water tank and just jump. Closing my eyes while in the air. Just forgetting about everything.

I feel relaxed while even typing these. There is always a way out.