Hi, first and foremost I hope you are doing well and I’d like to thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this post and offer me some advice and guidance. I really appreciate it. 

Let me begin by saying that I really love my partner. I do. I’ve never felt a deeper connection with someone and I would do anything for her. The amount I care for her cannot be put into words. To me, she is the most wonderful, talented and beautiful person I’ve ever known. I want to build a life with her. Which is why I want to do right by her. 

I will be very honest in this post. So I expect you to be too and if I am making massive mistakes, I want to own up to them because she does not deserve that. While I might be a slightly nervous person sometimes and have anxious moments, I cannot imagine what it might be like dealing with general anxiety. I they and be reassuring but I don’t want to sound repetitive which I feel like can end up happening sometimes. Additionally, I can also be very brash and honest. I try to soften myself when I realise that might happen or lead with “I am aware that this might make you angry or annoyed and I am sorry for that but I need to say this”. But I don’t say that and act like a dickhead, it is just because I know that my partner can get defensive at times - which is fair -  and I know what the outcome will be. I have been told that this is too violent a way to do it so I would like to know how I could do better. 

Secondly, I have given my partner an anxiety attack today, I feel like shit for it. I wish I had not but what I had to say was important for their well being. My partner had to go back to her country to find a job, she currently has a few options but she is not sure what she wants to do, at all. That is fair and can happen because job hunting is a daunting task in the best of circumstances, let alone in these times. Especially in her industry - she is a fashion designer. Now here lies the problem, she might apply to jobs related to her field but not exactly what she wants to design AND start working with her friend to start a brand of sorts. Which would entail designing for one company on the weekdays and then designing on the weekends with her friend. The second option being taking a job at a retail store or whatever and designing with a friend.

Now, I tried to tell her that she has been through super stressful designing situations before [college collections] which led to her hating her career choice and hating creating, relationships in any capacity suffering [I did not know her then] and wishing she had days off because she felt like she was wasting away. I tried to tell her that doing option 1, i.e. designing two collections with different ideologies and aesthetics and influences and keeping up with deadlines and working 7 days a week would just be like before and to try to avoid that because it would take a massive toll on her. Now, I’d like to make it clear that I am not talking out of my ass as I belong to this industry too and grew up around it. I’ve seen organisations struggle to keep two collections going with multiple employees, let alone just one individual. It is too much to take on. I tried to tell her that she had to make a choice, either get some experience working for a company or to do any job for financial security and focus on the brand with a friend. She does say she wants to experience working with her friend so I know she will regret it if she does not. 

Obviously, as you can imagine this did not go down well. It led to her saying that she feels overwhelmed again, like there is a knot in her throat, that she wants to hurt herself [but she won’t], that I am too violent with my words [there were no raised voices, we’d not do that to each other] and that I needed to educate myself about anxiety. So, here I am. Trying to make an effort to be educated. I want to know how I can be better for her. How I can be ‘softer’ with my words and how I can learn to be so. How I can apologise and make it up to her. If there’s anything I should tell her right now. 

Important note, we are currently long distance so I worry so much more and I wish today had never happened. I just want to do right by her. And if you have gotten this far down, I am really thankful and I am so sorry for the rant and long post. And I am thankful for any advice you might have to give me. I really am.