Growing up I’ve always had a poor relationship with men. As a child, my father and I were very close (now a 20F) in both interests and personality types. But as life progressed he began cheating on my mom eventually leading to their divorce. I then developed a very emotional abusive relationship with my father and my step monster as I call her. And that was just the beginning to the storm. 

In elementary, boys constantly bullied me. One sexually harassed me. And then in middle school my friend (now bi) began her downward spiral. She developed a deep depression and intense view on life (she openly admits she grew up physically abundant- her family had money, health, support, etc). It was dark. She attempted suicide multiple times, began cutting, burned her arm with boiling water, etc. And in that time my father was cheating, my mother was having a psychological breakdown, and I was just -there-.

High school hit and my first REAL crush, like real. He was seemingly kind, tall, quirky, well read, etc. But as that developed over 8 months, he began to create these “trials” I had to go through to make sure I was “worthy” of his attention. In the first trial he had my previously mentioned friend be held by himself in both of their swimsuits with muddy handprints all over each of their bodies indicating something happened (we were at the river hence the mud). Then my other friends took the photo and sent it to me (I had to leave early for a cello lesson). And so on my way to my lesson I have my very first, uncontrollable breakdown. But I make it thru the lesson (with a breakdown in the middle) and come out after only to find texts claiming it was a “joke”. 
I got over it only with multiple breakdowns over the course of multiple months. 
Second trial began with a late night text conversation. He began to get aggressive and sexually aggressive. I blocked him on everything and he still found a way to send me a video of an otter being beaten by its captor claiming that I’m the next “animal”. And then he gets ahold of me again later to claim that “that wasn’t him he got hacked”. 
I believed him. Stupid I know, but obviously craving something. 
He finally admitted two months later what he was doing. He broke down in my basement right before our first kiss. We didn’t end up kissing. I never got to the third trial, but one can only imagine. 

Sophomore year, my previously mentioned friend got worse after all of that. We were still friends (now looking back she was my FP) but she couldn’t let go of the shame and guilt of what she did and then him getting so much worse. I obviously assured her that she was in no way in fault of his insanity, but she couldn’t believe it. She began cutting again, and although she attempted suicide twice then, she idolized it if not in active thought. It was all she saw and so it was all I saw. And up and through this point I am still in ~decent~ control of my mind. 

Junior year hit and this was the beginning of the end. FP had begun her first real relationship and he was nothing but a bastard. She now admits he raped her multiple times and emotionally abused her beyond belief. I was the one who went with her when she finally came forward. I sat with her through it all. His friends threatened to kill her, she attempted to kill herself, the list goes on. But I. Was. There. On top of all of this, our other friend began her fall. She attempted suicide three times, and one time we all believed for a week that she actually followed through. But her mother was so toxic, she refused to inform us, the school, anyone that she was even alive. We later learned that she went to inpatient treatment and her mom was too ashamed to admit it. She wanted to tell us and actually wrote daily letters to us that weren’t ever sent. 

And then I began cutting, I quit swimming due to health issues, and my eating disorder went from ~manageable~ to ever consuming. I cut complete, COMPLETE ties to FP and other friend. By this time, I’ve started vaping everyday, smoking weed and drinking to “fit in”. I even have a bf but he held no space in my mind. I loved him but I didn’t. Every time I was with him, I was there but I wasn’t. 

Senior year hits. I break up w bf over text and never say a single word to him again. I’ve been officially diagnosed with major depression and high anxiety. I refused to talk abt the ED, and did absolutely nothing to fix it (still don’t) and life is just there. BUT I got into this lovely group of friends. And then, one becomes my FP. So much so I spend almost every waking non school hr there. My home life is a complete mess; my father and I’s relationship has crumbled and I have verbally attacked my mother so many times she can’t stand to even be in the same room as me. So, I stayed there. We worked out together, ate dinner together, took 5 hr long naps there (we didn’t get home till 4). Wld spend the night there all weekend, etc. But then at one of their parties I got blackout drunk. Annnnd had sex for the first time. At first I thought it was ok, but then I learned he was stone cold sober and I couldn’t shake that feeling. Something was very wrong. I ignored it and it seemed to go away. But I began to distance myself. And then we went to state basketball that spring. 
I got drunk. The drunkest most blackout I’ve ever been in my life. Never again. 
And this time I can now openly admit that I was raped. He was so disgusting that right after it happened he left the room and had his roommates literally drag me back to our hotel room sobbing at 4am (every high schooler that went stayed in hotels so it felt like this big college dorm party). And when I got back to the room sobbing my FP says “oh don’t mind her, she does this every time she gets drunk”. So, I never told them the truth. Finished senior year, distanced myself to the point of gaining a healthy relationship back, etc. 
I never told anyone until college. I didn’t want to go to college in the first place, but my family decided that it was best I go to their grad school alma matter  (which happened to be our state school). I was so emotionally unstable at this point, this broke something. A mutual friend introduced me to my next (just now labeled) ex FP. And this one hit HARD. I attached to the point of complete reliance. He was the first person I “Loved” that I told abt the rape, he actually heard me when I spoke, he was a musician, writer, well traveled, charismatic human. I saw an energy in him that I hadn’t felt since childhood. And the most wild part was, I felt all this in the span of a month. I look back on journal entries and the rise and fall of that relationship was so massive, I was destroyed when he found his next “lady”. He said he didn’t know what he wanted when we first started talking, but when he chose her, I couldn’t. That on top of everything was it. 
I dropped out. 
Covid happened. 
I was sexually harassed at work for my first time by a 48M coworker. 
I was sexually harassed over the phone at work. 
I moved to a different state to live on my own and start a new job. 
I was sexually harassed by a 62M coworker. 
Other old male coworkers make inappropriate sexual comments constantly. 
Targeted at work and then cornered. 
30M coworker becomes obsessive. 

And now I’m here and I think through all the instability my sexual orientation is fucked. Recently accepting that I’m bi is a massive accomplishment, but sometimes that doesn’t even feel right. I’m so terrified by 99% of males. Like physically affected ill. And my dissociation around men has grown to the point of almost complete blindness (normal?). I recently went through a round of mania which only confuses the obsessive 30M. Which then spirals me even more bc the few times I feel ~ok~, I then get this negative bullshit energy that I just physically can’t put up with anymore. I’m going on a 3 day dissociation and it’s the longest one I’ve had that has been this physically debilitating. It feels as if my mind is falling into itself and I’m stuck in this spiral of analyzing all that I’ve written. It’s nothing else. It’s just this. And I ~can’t~ see out of it. I’m so disgusted by all the bullshit. Men, the world, labels, etc. And this is my final attempt at trying to make sense of it. Many say ignorance is bliss, but unfortunately I no longer have that option.