TW for sort of suicidal thoughts

Title about sums it up. I’ve tried multiple different medications over the years, various forms of therapy, exercise, diets, no smoking, no drinking. But I can’t stop feeling anxious. I hardly sleep anymore, and if I do it’s only for about 3 hours at a time then I wake up with my heart pounding out of my chest. Gotta get up and make sure the door is locked, make sure I didn’t leave my wallet at the restaurant, make sure I didn’t lose my keys. Then once that’s settled I sit there thinking through the day, all the little missteps, that I’m going to be fired from my job and then I’ll lose my house, my car, I’ll be homeless, my life will be ruined and I’ll die alone and homeless under a bridge. Then I think ‘well maybe I can go for a walk and calm down’, then that leads me to thinking of all the horrible things that could happen if I leave the house alone at night without my partner. Then I spin into wondering why my partner is even with someone like me, that he’s going to leave for someone normal, that I’m going to anxious and irritable towards him one day and it’ll be the last straw and he’ll leave me and I’ll be alone. So here I am sitting on the couch at 2AM, shaking with anxiety, heart pounding, work in 3 hours and I can’t sleep because I feel like any second I’m going to die. 

My partner knows I have anxiety, but I don’t think he knows how bad it is. No one knows how bad it is. I get told a lot that I’m overreacting, getting worked up for nothing. I seemingly function well, I have a job and keep that mask on all the time when inside I feel like I’m about to die or my life is about to fall apart. To me it feels like everything, it’s just this all consuming thing on my back that won’t let me breathe. My therapists tell me I have a chemical imbalance and I need to just find coping mechanisms. I’ve tried hobbies, gaming, knitting, writing, painting, but then when I go to bed it just all comes back. My hands shake, I hardly eat, I vomit nearly once a day just from the anxiety making me sick. I can’t keep going like this. It’s been years since I’ve had a full nights sleep. I’m so so tired.