I am a teenager and my parents recently accidentally came across my private journal. They read eveyrthing in it. I had been keeping many secrets from them, as teenagers do. Now they know how deeply my obsessions with people go, my extreme suicidal thoughts, my substance use and maybe abuse, self harm, impulsivity, lack of self control, severe mood swings, homicidal thoughts and much more. When I talk to my mom about these things she guilt trips and invalidates me but she is also very loving to me so i guess it’s an accident. I miss my “ex” so much but he is  narcissistic and he gaslit me and said horrible things to me. He encouraged me to kill myself. When he blocked me I threatened to stalk him and told him he can never get rid of me. Which is fucked up but I just love him so much and nobody understands it. Without him I feel so empty. He is pretty much all that I ever think about and it’s been many months. I am obsessed with him and his life but at the same time I don’t care.I feel that I need him. I lie to my therapist constantly and meds don’t work on me. My friends are bitchy to me a lot and honestly i feel that no one cares in the way that they should. I want to die so badly but the guilt is too much for me to take. I just want someone to tell me everything will be okay but nobody does, because it won’t. I hate everything about this world. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’d like to know but I am not honest with with psychiatrists and I don’t know how to be. I crave chaos at all times and I want to feel better but I also don’t because that’s so boring. I like having moods swings because it brings me so much euphoria at times. I can only talk to strangers to my parents because i’m so deeply ashamed of all of this when it comes to telling adults. That’s all I guess. I just want someone to hear me.