Amber or as you may have known me Adam's suicide note

	First of all and the most important thing to know, this is no ones fault but my own, no one is to blame themselves, this is 100% my fault and my inability to overcome problems and just lack of will and hope is the reason this happened. I need everyone to understand, i have been so unhappy and apathetical to life since i was like 12 or 13 years old. I have never had the passion so many people seem to have about a carrer or job and every moment i spend at a job no matter what it is i hate every second and i feel incapable of changing that. Before i took this step i tried counciling for the 3rd time i tried anti depressents again and i really wanted to make an effort to try atleast 1 more time before i took this step.

	I am 30 years old and i am asexuel that has been one of the worst conditions of my life as it has meant that i have always been alone, i have never been able to have any connection with someone else, i have had so few friends my whole life i just cant continue as such a failure who is alone and has no hope of that changing. 

The whole trans thing that anyone who knows me knows i came out recently as a trans woman, I started the whole transition process about 6 months before i wrote this and it was nice i mean i felt that way most of my life I was just too scared to do anything about it, or just in complete denial, i remember as a kid when i hate the thoughts of wanting to be a girl or wear a dress i used to punch myself in the stomach as a way to try and tell myself i was doing something wrong but of course one day i finally realised this was never going to change, the way i feel that is. Even with coming out i am still too scared to go out as Amber unless i am in a mask and big coat and can hide essentially. I was about to have to start looking for work again and with no qualifications other then trades related experience and believe me the people i have worked with in the trades have been some of the most intollerent people i have ever met, i was not going to go back into that field as Amber knowing what i would have to put up with, but besides that i hated the trades anyway. Like i said i have never been able to care about work, i have tried but i just cant... all i can think is what a waste of time where i will make no money and be broke either way so why even try. I am completely incapable of schooling like if i need to pass a test, atleast a test that requires studying or isnt like just comman sence i cant do it, like studying and taking tests is not possible for me which means i get to work at tim hortons... or something like that for the rest of my life, and considering to go along with that job i will be alone the whole asexual thing forever...