This  past year I've gone from suicidal ideation, to absolute misery + some  half ass attempt, then to apathetic and non-existant appreciation for  life. I feel like I'm slipping.

A  few months ago I was in absolute misery and thought of killing myself  everyday. I even attempted one time but I did it in a stupid half assed  manner because I didn't actually want to die. I felt like shit everyday  but I guess I just didn't want to actually kill myself.

After  that, I started going to therapy. I don't really think it has helped  all that much but my family does. It's just made me feel differently. I  don't know if that's a good thing. I feel apathetic towards life. My  state of misery has been replaced with nothingness and contempt. I  honestly think I have a better chance of actually doing it now than when  I was feeling terrible 24/7.

I  don't stay in bed all day. I do things. I interact with my family,  exercise, am talking to new people and going out and doing things with  them. But I feel empty. Not necessarily 'terrible' but definitely have a  complete dissatisfaction with life and have been thinking of methods  that are near full proof with less of a revulsion than before. From the  outside it definitely WOULD appear like I'm 100x better but, the reality  is different.

I would say I'm  worried, but I'm not really planning on it right now, I can just notice  the trend. It seems more likely to end in me actually gone forever than  ever before.