I know often people self-diagnose and obviously, only doctors can officially diagnose someone with a mental illness.

As a background, my father has Bipolar I and my sister was recently diagnosed with Borderline.  I've always thought I had Bipolar II because have always had intense feelings of depression from when I was a kid (I acute memories of key points in my childhood that I didn't have the language to explain/understand that this was severe depression), but I've also had semi-manic phases where I'm really just all over the place, scattered, and disoriented.  

I have a lot of day-to-day dissociation that really fucks with my memory, and I have a lot of qualities that my dad has who is a pretty belligerent Bipolar person (which I hate), however depression is a much larger factor in my life than mania.  I've always had a relationship with my parents and grew up in their house somewhat normally, however our relationship is pretty strained as I feel that my parents have no idea how to care of me or express love at all (when they do, I know it's sincere but it's awkward, almost like they don't actually know me, hard to describe).  

Again, my father's Bipolar, and when he is in a rage has verbally assaulted me, calling me a bitch, chasing me around the house etc.  I've hid under the sheets and he's ripped them off, yelling at me about how I'm a spoiled bitch (which is extremely violating having a 'safe space' literally ripped off of you).  His father was also Bipolar and tried to hang himself in front of him, which my dad always uses to say to me you could have had it so much worse.  And when my dad gets really drunk (which is often), he's a complete narcissist and misogynist.  

My mother completely enables this behaviour.  She'll be wasted and shake her head as if she's disagreeing with him, but never step in regardless of what's happening.  This has become a big point of contention in my relationship with her because I *never* saw her defending me, always my father, even when he was disgustingly wrong.  She sides with him because they want to appear as a 'family unit'.  Further, my dad and I also started using drugs together when really drunk from when I was 16, mainly coke.  I thought it was chill of him at the time, but I've since realized how that's really crossing a line.  My dad is pretty liberal about drugs so I came home one time the first time I did acid and he noticed my pupils were super dilated and I just told him I was peaking on acid, and he did everything possible to try to give me a bad trip.  It was just cruel and stupid.  So the barriers in our relationship are pretty unhealthy even though most of the time, they pretend everything is normal when they're sober.  My mother just enables my father no matter what.

At a point in my last year of high school (about 7 years ago, I was about 17), I was going through a pretty tough time and almost got kicked out of school for being pretty much wasted at school a few times and handing in a few assignments late (I went to a specialized school so the stakes for missing assignments were much higher).  At that point, I had a doctor checkup and told them I was anxious (which I was, but I didn't mention my depression which was much more of a factor in my life because I was scared I guess of saying it because it felt more real) and they recommended me some BS self-help book and a referral to a youth psychiatrist.  My doctor honestly was pretty condescending and made even saying the bare minimum that I could say out loud to her embarrassing and diminishing.

FFW, I tell my parents that I asked for help and she referred me to a psychiatrist.  My parents are freaked out, because even though they both have mental health issues, for whatever reason they didn't prioritize actively checking in with their kids about their own shit.  Nothing explicitly happened with my parents, but I do feel that we never really authentically connected -I feel very awkward around them and they don't know how to talk to me (and they only ask me about myself when they're drunk).  So from them on, I went to a youth psychiatrist.

My psychiatrist was an awful match for me for many reasons.  Number one and most important was that she specialized in kid/youth psychiatry and I was almost an adult (turning 18 in a couple months) and she was 'shocked at how mature I was for my age'.  I don't personally really align with CBT and that's also what she specialized in, so I would go into my sessions and exaggerate what I was stressed about and never dove into anything deep because I didn't think it was remotely worth it because she didn't get me, and she didn't ask any of the right questions.  

I really wanted some kind of SSRI prescription, at that point my depression was pretty serious (but she never asked if I was depressed AT ALL and I had come to my family doctor about anxiety only, so I never talked about it -she only every asked me about anxiety).  

I had begun developing some panic disorder/Pure O tendencies that year, I had one full panic attack for the first time at some point that year and some intrusive thoughts (my scenario, example of a cycle of intrusive:  I'm on the streetcar, I see someone staring at me.  I get really irritated in my head about them looking at me, but then I start panicking that they know I'm talking shit about them in my head so I try to calm my thoughts down.  I'm stressing that they think I'm crazy that I think I can read their mind.  Then I realize that if they CAN read my mind then I'm actually RIGHT about everything -and if they can't, then they don't know anything).  Obviously this kind of intrusive thought had a resolution at the end so it kind of solved itself, but annoying to dwell on regardless.  A lot of them would be stupid like "What if I was sitting on the streetcar and someone just sat right on top of me as if I wasn't there?  What would I do?".  Obviously I know this is so stupid and would never happen but it's the insistence from my brain that dwells on the potential possibilities that would drive me crazy.  And for this, my therapist worked with CBT, which personally is not an approach I think is effective for me or helpful because I knew my thoughts were nonsensical and ridiculous.  I guess CBT is working to reroute your thoughts which is what she tried to make me do, however she diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD and at that point I already knew these intrusive thoughts were stupid AF but what was bothering me was the fact that they would pop-up in my head out of nowhere.  If you have generalized anxiety disorder, how are you supposed to identify the root of the anxiety trigger when it comes from nothing?

After going to CBT with that doctor, I got absolutely nothing out of it (I truly believe that therapy can benefit EVERYONE, regardless of having mental health issues or not, they just have to have the right person).  I gave up and got no relief for depression as my psychiatrist didn't inquire at all about anything related to that or deeper questions, and left with a prescription for Concerta which worked super well to aid me with an ongoing eating disorder and not much else.

Based on my experience with my general practitioner and my former psychiatrist, I have so little faith in doctors.  Obviously I know great ones exist, however finding the right person and the right fit sounds so exhausting.  

Following my previously mentioned mental health history after my interactions with my GP/CBT psychiatrist, I have been sexually assaulted/raped.  The empathy from my GP when I expressed my anxiety and she referred me to the psychiatrist was subpar at best, and obviously my experience with the psychiatrist was essentially a waste of time.  I haven't been to any doctor since then, so it's been almost 8 years.  I'm terrified and I don't want someone examining me/touching me.

Anyways, the core of my post here is part ranting and expelling my own shit, part complaining about dysfunctional parenting, and part questioning how those of you feel about those who claim disorders that aren't officially diagnosed.  At this point I don't claim anything because of the guilt I feel because I don't know for sure, but I know my issues go deeper than depression/anxiety and accurately explaining that is frustrating to say the least.

I hate that I tried to seek help before and I wasn't given the support that I needed, and now I'm in a really tough place again and I can't even explain it to people who are important to me because it really is much more than being depressed/anxious, but I don't feel validated that I can claim anything else because I don't have an official diagnosis.  I really do think I have Bipolar II, but I feel like such a fraud to claim that because it hasn't been 'authenticated'.

For those of you either with/without diagnosed disorders, let me know your thoughts!  I'm not looking for an answer specifically pertaining to myself, I'm just curious about the general feelings and consensus about this.  As someone who has sought help and not received anywhere near adequate treatment, I'm frustrated to not even be able to explain myself to people.  Definitions don't make me who I am, but for people that don't understand lifetime mental illness it's frustrating to not feel you have the right to the language that adequately explains your position.  Basically, I want to encourage discussion and also think about the barriers that the health industry puts on mentally ill people currently in all capacities!