My years of being a wild animal, tearing him down at every oportinuty, erroding his confidence, manupulating, dismissing, overreacting, ignoreing.... all of it, it's been too much. I don't blame him for wanting this over. I never show him i love him. I never listen to his needs. I rarely even respect his basic humanity.

It's been years of "give me another chance", "you just don't understand what I'm dealing with", "why don't you support me in my recovery work", then of course the turning it around on him "why don't you look at your own shit", "you don't communicate well", "your expectations are unreasonable", "if you loved me, you'd keep waiting for me to change"... But I'm not changing. I keep thinking I'm trying to change, doing the right actions, going to the meetings, working with therapists. But I have never trully accepted my part in our and my dysfunction. It's always someone else's fault. Something "I'm working on". Something I'm sorry for and I'll try to be better. But I'm never better. 

I don't know what's next for us. I don't know if it's for the best or not. I love him. But I don't treat him like I do. He never get's to be on my team, he's always on the outside, where I put him. Adversary Jail. 

Tomorrow is out 17th anniversary, 10 of those married. 16 of them with issues. Maybe 17. The last 5 have been a steep decline as I've gotten worse. The 4 before those were bad after his mother died and his mental health was poor, and my reactivity was comming into full force. Hell we even barely got through the wedding itself. But we love eachother so we could get through, get better. And maybe we could have if I had given it a fair effort.

I'm just so sad. So regretful. I don't want to be like this. 

TLDR: Marriage is over. Probably could have saved it. Couldn't?Didn't.