Long story short: my mom dragged me from psychiatrist to psychiatrist during my childhood. I always got the same non-diagnosis that said I didn't quite meet the criteria for autism. 



Last year I was depressed and had trouble regulating my emotions. I got referred to this psychiatric institution by my doctor. They called me and asked me to meet with some of their "autism experts" based on the files they had from me as a kid. I went in there and talked about how much trouble I had regulating my emotions and that I was getting angry and alienating my loved ones. They said they were gonna see if I had autism. 


I went in for a few talks with a psychiatrist. Felt like she asked me these leading questions but whatever. Got diagnosed with autism. 



Now I've been in therapy for a few months (please keep in mind that all of this took place over the span of 1.5 years with wait time included and that I was seriously hurting and in dire need of help). It's the same fucking shit again that I got as a kid. Social training and stuff. I literally told them during my intake convo that none of that ever helped cause I need help REGULATING MY EMOTIONS. I am actually really social and extroverted... Wtf?



I'm getting psychoeducation, which means learning about what autism means for me personally. Well. The more I learn about it, the less it means to me? I can't relate to this diagnosis at all no matter how ard I try. My therapist says I get upset because of external stimuli like sounds and shit. I don't. I love stimuli. I need it all the time. I don't like quiet, alone, boring. I hate structure and routine. I need excitement.


Then I read about BPD online and I was like... Yup, that's it. Especially this subreddit! I sorted by top of all time and boy, was I unprepared for how much it felt like looking into a mirror. The things people say on here, the minor things they experience adn feel, I can relate to them so much!



I've been trying to ask my therapist if I can get tested for BPD. I knwo that the facility has DBT available, but not in the autism department. She dismisses me and I can tell she thinks that BPD is an autistic obsession I have or something. I am so angry. I haven't gotten any help. I tell my therapist about how I want to scream and freak out on my boyfriend especially now during Corona and she just goes, "lol that's normal. Everyone has feeeeeeeeeeeelings." 



I told her I have anxiety, emotion regulation shit and I CAN NEVER FIND MY IDENTITY FOR THE LIFE OF ME. She just goes, "yeaaah I don't think those are BPD traits though. BPD is really bad. It's a personality disorder and you can tell immediately is someone has one."



I called my dad and told him everything that went on. He says that he has read about BPD before and he thinks he has it as well. He'd forgotten. My dad and I are basically the same person with genders reversed. This has to mean something. He asked his primary care doctor about it after I asked him to. She said he might have it. That it often has to do with growing up in an abusive home. My dad's parents had Munchhausen like my mom does (I didn't know my dad till I was a teenager so it's not his fault). Apparently that makes it likely for someone to have BPD... 



Now because of this stupid fucing corona idk what to do anymore. I talked to my primary care doctor who has known me all my life. She thinks I might have BPD too and she says she will send an independent psychiatrist to the facility I get therapy at, not someone who is in the autism team or whatever. But she said that I need to push for that first at the facility and they don't take me fucking seriously.


Now because it's Corona I can only call my therapist once a week and I'm still getting the stupid fucking autism ed. Meanwhile my romantic relationship is going down the fucking drain cause of my inability to control my emotions and I won't get any help for it cause they decided I have autism which I don't. Confirmation bias, stupid dicks.