every single second of my life i've felt the same way, my chest hurts, my heart beats slower, and i can't do anything but think about how much i should commit suicide, with detailed images of me doing it with any number of objects that are within my reach

because of this i have never been able to enjoy something in more than a superficial way, just stuff overstimulating enough for me to mildly push back these thoughts, but at the end i feel exactly the same and it's so frustrating to slowly watch myself rot inside as distractions stop distracting me and nothing actually helps, not therapy, not medication, not drugs, not doing something i'm deeply interested in and feel should have an impact on my life, not any kind of company, nothing, what the hell else am i even supposed to do anyways?

i've tried multiple times to end my life and the closest i was was recently when i hung myself up with a belt and got off of it out of pure survival instinct reflexes, but after that things have only gotten worse, as all the time i'm reminded of how close i was to completing the deed and i have to literally, physically hold myself back to not try it again, but i don't know for how long will i be able to and i don't know how to stop this if it isn't by death

i'd hate for the people that care about me to see me go but it doesn't feel like this will end without me leaving and i really can't do this anymore

i don't even know what started this shit either, i've just always felt this way, of course as life continued and i started to lose some of my family members/friends this intensified, but it doesn't change the fact i've felt like this since before any of that and i haven't had a single moment of rest since my memory started to work

tl;dr i have a constant urge to kill myself and i truly don't know how to stop it