I don't want to wkr extra hard than everyone else to be ahlf as decent as them. I've fully given up on life and the future I don't want happiness I dont want anything good that can happen I don't even want to recover get better and turn my life around. I've had enough I've tried everything and I don't have people who understand this sort of stuff. My sister tries to help and she just thinks I need a job and move away. I keep telling her I can't hold a job emotionally and mentally I'm so broken I'm stuck I a self-destructive loop. 

I just want to die now like I don't want to take part in this life and world. I've upped my smoking in hopes of lung cancer and I wish I could quit life because just like everything else I've failed life and its ultimate test. I'm not ashamed to say I'm not competent for living and being successful in this life I want out and I wish I could pay someone to kill me