Note: I don’t want advice. I’m not in a good headspace and won’t be in a place to accept well intentioned advice/encouragement 

To make a lot story short, I was part of a small friend group. It was me and 3 other people. We were all close and chatted together for a few months. A mix of text and voice chat. Overall, it was fun. 

This all changed when I ruined things. A friend was giving me well intentioned advice. I felt offended and told them how I felt. They apologized. However I did something horrible. I went on another site and proceeded to rant about them. They saw and blocked me instantly. I ended up spiraling and wrote a post about wanting to take my life. In response to my post they said “I am not going to read her post as they are a suicide baiter”. From here I proceeded to starve myself for 3 days straight.

I eventually came out of this and opened up to my other friends and therapist. Who admitted that while I did wrong, my friend also wasn’t nice in what they did to me and that I am not all bad. Still, I beat myself up. 

I decided to apologize to said friend. Since I was blocked I asked my mutual friends to pass on the apology. One said they would, the other told me to suck it up. The one who told me to suck it up blocked me yesterday. I gave space to see if things would go back to normal and they haven’t.

I can’t live with this guilt. Of having fucked up so bad I ruined my friendships. I don’t have the guts to kill myself sadly. All I can do is exist. Maybe, I should block everyone in my life. So that way, nobody will be hurt by me. No one will be affected by my pain. I can stop hurting people. And maybe, just maybe, once I am all alone it’ll be easier to kill my self. The good thing is, I won’t be around to ruin people anymore. So it’s a win win. I hope everyone, especially those I hurt, will be satisfied 

I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough…..hope you’re happy….