How to break the cycle? When’s is going to stop?

I’m desperate to speak with my old therapist. I’ve emailed a bunch of times and she’s asked me to stop emailing. Today I was so upset and so seperate from my rational self that I called her directly. She yelled ‘OH MY GOD’ into the phone and I could hear the anger in her voice. Why do I have to be this way? Why do I have to be me?

How to talk to myself now afterwards? How to live with myself?