This is the last thing im probably ever going to say and I just need someone to hear this. I am not alive. I've been clinically depressed since I was 13 when I lost my cousin in a tragic accident. For the next 17 years i've felt worthless and started to develop an ever increasing anxiety to the point I cant even leave my home without having a panic attack. 

I spend 20+ hours every day in bed and only leave to go get food or use the restroom. I cant get a job because of the aforementioned depression and anxiety and I cant get on social security disability because I only got 1 work credit before not being able to handle the constant panic attacks(which cause me to faint about 70% of the time) anymore. So there goes anyway of making money, and when my uncle dies(who im currently living with and honestly doesnt have that many more years in him) I'll be left with the trailer with no way to pay any bills or buy food. 

Being born to a poor family in the middle of nowhere meant that family couldnt really help and there isnt anything to do or opportunities in a town with a 1k population. I've tried all the medications, the therapy, everything. Im just too broken to be fixed and it seems my life has just run its course. I feel like im dead either way. I'm 30 yrs old, no friends, no job, no car or license and I lie to people to make myself seem normal. 

What has made matters worse recently, and what made me want to do this post was finding out after the love of my life left me a few years ago got pregnant, has 1 more year to go before she gets her masters and already has a good job in her field with a salary and benefits and her and her BF are getting their own place. Living the dream. None of this is her fault and a part of me is happy for her but another part of me is jealous. She has what I always wanted for us but with someone else. I couldnt be normal. I couldnt be what she needed and she couldnt wait for me anymore. 

Im sorry for ranting but I needed to get this out.