so i want to share this because i feel like no one is listening or understanding..
when i was 14 years old i have met a boy (16) and i was so obsessed with him.. even my friends said that it’s not love anymore it is an obsession and he didn’t liked me... he was having sex with me when no one else wanted to but i was always the second choice and it lasted 3 years. sometimes he was nice to me but i think only when he wanted something... i knew that he made fun of me with his friends but i never stopped to be so obsessed with him..
i also tried to kill myself a few times because of this empty feeling he left in me... afterwards i have tried to fill this emptiness with drugs but that obviously made it worse. 
so i met this girl and i we were in a relationship but she was also hanging out with this boy and i knew that he was in love with her. yes it was really strange. we were fighting a few times and then she left with him. months after i found out that they were dating and having sex when i was with her. she lied to me all the time... my trust was gone for everyone and i’ve started to fill the hole again with drugs. after a few months i was in relationship with an old friend of mine and i was getting better. no drugs no alcohol. but the side effects were showing and i’ve started to take medication. my high and lows were starting to find a middle way but the love for my boyfriend was fainting too. ive thought emptiness was the worst feeling of all but i did notice not knowing what you actually feel is much worse. that was very strange. my whole life i was the person who loved to much and now i thought i would never love anyone anymore. we were often nearly breaking up because of this „nothing feeling“. i was also a very jealous person. when i was in a hospital my boyfriend were hanging out with my best friend and since that day i hated it when we were hanging out together. i was so anxious that he would fall in love with her. i’ve often selfharmed because of this.
that triggered my rocd again and we broke up some time ago. now i live with my ‚new‘ boyfriend in another city and i was so happy in the beginning but i can’t believe in a happy relationship anymore. my ex boyfriend is now in a relationship with my „best friend“ (bitch like i’ve said haha). i never have been so numb in my entire life and that triggers my rocd so much that we always talk about breaking up and it hurts him so much. i feel like the baddest person on earth. on good days i know i love him and i really trust him (he made the same experiences with love). but it feels like everyone who hurt me in the past has dig a hole in my heart and i don’t know how to start feeling again. i’m always angry and aggressive because i’m actually so anxious about everything. i don’t know how to cope with that aggression that it won’t hurt my boyfriend... i feel like i run on autopilot since months. if i have had one wish, i wished i would get my feeling back even though they hurt me. i want to know what i feel. don’t know how to start...