It starts in my chest. I feel it grip my heart tightly and then choke it's way up to my throat. I try to push it back down with a deep swallow and a sigh but it turns into a wimper and the tears start to form. There is no turning back at this point, the dam has broke. I don't even know why I'm crying! Then I'm crying about everything! The loss of my brother, my illnesses (physical and mental) the sexual abuse, the cutting, the secrets, the desire to want it all to end, all the people hurting, all the animals hurting. I feel everything's sadness and I just can't make it stop! I've got no one to turn to. I've isolated myself because I'm so sick and in so much pain I can't bear this world! It's lonely. I'm so alone. I pop my pills and hope this will pass but it won't. Valium no longer touches my anxiety. The only DBT group around here is full. Not that I could ever make it there feeling the way I do now. Everyone says that if I can just get over leaving the house one time all the other times will be easier. But the last time I left the house I witnessed a car accident. Flashbacks of getting the news my brother was killed, seeing the accident site, twisted metal, broken glass, the tree he hit...it's too much and I'm drowning before even reaching the door. Am I becoming agoraphobic? Will I be able to leave this house for more than doctors appointments? This is crazy right?!  