So, after all the measures I put in place to ensure I have a better Christmas and New Year, things are getting out of hand and today I saw the GP. He's referred me to the community mental health team, I've literally just got off the phone with the on call nurse. She's going to refer me to the crisis team because I was honest enough to explain some very dark thoughts towards myself. Crisis team will ring me and probably come and see me (I'm on my own, Mum's gone on a weekend break to Torquay, she knows I'm not right but not just how bad things are). 

I'm swinging the mood scale rapidly, sleep has gone out the window. I'm trying to use DBT skills and deal with the thoughts, putting a face on to avoid upsetting mum. Tomorrow is my nephew's birthday party, my dad is over from Sweden and staying with my sister. This is the only thing keeping me safe at the moment. Knowing that the untold devastation and backlash from doing anything so close to the litte one's birthday is likely to result in being ostracised. Especially because my mum, dad and sister have no idea just how hard I've worked not to show this. 

I have a suspicion that tomorrow will be done in a semi dissociative state. 

EDIT: Update, Crisis team rang me and I spoke to someone who was one of the original DBT practitioners. Felt listened to. It also turns out the birthday party is Sunday. Brain frazzled. Also spoke to my dad and he was quite calm about it. Asked him to tell my sister. Dad will come and see me tomorrow. 