I have the overwhelming urge to hurt or kill myself. My dogs are my reason to keep on living so instead of doing that I am just binge eating and drinking to self harm. I have made so much progress in my diet and fitness and just achieved my lowest adult weight and was looking really good. My long distance partner came to visit and barely even noticed and seemed to have very little attraction to me at all, which has been a pattern developing over the last few months. I am already on shakey ground with insecurity but this has just completely destroyed me and I have lost control. I can't stop and enjoy both the short term gratification of food with the long term suffering of the misery and guilt it inflicts. I just wish I was dead.