I have been feeling (for lack of a better word) “cured” for over two years now. After a long term recovery treatment I had been feeling alive for one of the first times in my life. So much has changed and all for the better.

For the first time in my life I was able to do chores, cleaning, and finish projects. I was happy and have not contemplated any dark ultimatum for so long. Finally felt like I was out of the dark tunnel and laying on the grass.

I was able to appreciate things I had never noticed before, like songbirds repeating the same song and how green leaves got in the spring. I had never even liked spring/summer before. Hell, I didn’t even like the sun.

Today it came back. I’m not sure why, everything is going so well. I just… I’m at a loss of words. Nothing mattered for a bit. Skipped dinner, which is very unlike me. Couldn’t get myself to see the point. I forgot how heavy this felt. It feels like gravity got heavier.

I kept putting my head in my hands and just kept begging those receptors to fire up. On the verge of tears because even though nothing happened, this is my scariest nightmare.

I feel better right now, but I have never experienced a dip in recovery and it frightened the hell out of me. What if it’s back? What if it creeps up on me? What was all of this work for? 

I have a therapist and a psychiatrist, I will bring this up to them so I can try to get through this. 

Thank you for reading if you still are. I could be on a precipice and would do anything to avoid it.