For years, I was a young professional with a thriving entertainment career, community of of friends, and was known to be as a positive, caring/supportive, and driven.

But a year ago, due to multiple traumatic news, I suffered from anxiety attacks, paranoia, depression, and suicidal ideation/planning. Raised by a BPD mother and neglectful father, I had always had an emptiness and self hate towards myself and cracked. When 3 close female friends (basically sisters) I made over years tried to help me - I rejected it initially, afraid to lean on them. I was scared/confused and felt unable to control myself. When I did accept help, I ended up hurting them by quitting therapy/refusing medication, made angry outbursts, and shared ugly cognitive distortions (B/W thinking, over generalizations, splitting, etc.) I felt even angrier when I found out they had told others I was suicidal, something I didn't want others to know.

Even though I didn't feel like I deserved to live, I desperately wanted to, but without torturing pain/guilt. Most importantly, I didn't want to hurt my sisters anymore. So I finally admitted myself for help half a year ago, intensive therapy twice a week. I'm not formally diagnosed, however, though those sessions I learned I may be BPD affected in addition to being a high functioning person with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. 

With my therapist and 6 months away from them - I felt I made strides, I slowly learned to grieve for myself, to forgive/accept/reconnect with my parents, slowly find self-awareness, understand BPD tendencies I had that blew up, accept responsibility in harmful behaviors I didn't realize I had done, find compassion and gratitude in what I had, and so so much more. Despite regressions some months thankful for relatives and old/new friends that were later present for me to get through it all. 

At the end of last year, I tried to reach out to my sisters that were originally there for me to share updates, listen to any grievances, and shared my gratitude for being there for me - but learned they didn't want to be friends anymore. I wanted to talk through misunderstandings and apologize, but they firmly believed I was ungrateful, mistreated them, and prone to crossing boundaries. 

I felt angry and hurt. I wanted to blame them, my fear came true that leaning on them would hurt our friendship. I felt sorry for them, because I know they must've been so confused/hurt by the monster I transformed into and felt overextended. I felt so much sadness, because I wanted us to stay as sisters but unsure how to articulate the whole experience + what I was thinking/doing because I'm fuzzy on it all. I felt betrayed because they stayed for me when I was happy/well but wanted to leave when I was in my low/fell ill. I didn't need them to understand my disorder / condone harmful actions, but I needed them to believe in me that I did love them and wanted to change and live more compassionately. In the end, I was blocked by 1 - telling me that they had a right to leave the friendship, ghosted by 1, and I personally discarded 1 in fear of abandonment who I feared didn't believe me. 

My whole life I prided in being a good friend and to stay loyal to friends through good times/bad times, I'm from a small town and believed that friends are the family you make in life in addition to your own blood. My therapist, my childhood friends, and my relatives told me it wasn't my fault, that they knew how hard it must have been for me to trust the few with my mental health - and asked me if they were true friends at all / were good people - and that I need to be less trusting. When I look back, I realized that my sisters and I were immature / unforgiving / could be mean. That they had a history of friendship issues that I overlooked. But I just loved them so much and wanted to grow together. 

&amp;#x200B;

I don't know how to live now in this new year, new decade. I miss my sisters, but I also feel like maybe its important for us to be apart to grow more maturely. And sometimes, I'm at loss how to socialize with people. How to feel, how to be. How to act. I'm afraid of having suicidal episodes again, I'm afraid of BPD blowing up again when I'm in a dark place. But I also for the first time in 27 years, feel quite light - choosing forgiveness and letting go of past - and truly being committed to being mindful and kind to others and myself.

&amp;#x200B;

I would really love advice from others that discovered they are BPD or BPD affected if they went through this and also was at loss on how to live with the awareness of having disorder.