I (f21) didn’t want to say “I need someone to talk to” because that itself makes me feel like a burden. 

For the last hour I’ve been laying on the couch with endless tears streaming down my face, imagining the goodbye letters I’d write to all the people who’ve made an impact in my life, what I’d wear in my coffin, how I’d love if the guys would wear a purple tie and the girls would wear something purple at my funeral, the song I’d listen to as I pull the trigger and my favourite pillow I’d hold, how I’d manage to get a hold of a pistol back home in Australia (I’m currently in the US) and the gifts I’d give everyone - things that were important to me.

None of my friends back home would be awake since it’s around 1:30am and so I was hoping I’d be able to talk to someone from here. If you have a paypal account I’d even pay you for your time. 

I feel like bpd will be the death of me and I really don’t want it to be.