After my last abusive relationship I told myself I wouldn't get in another relationship until I was truly independent. At the point when I can be alone without hurting, when I don't think I *need* another person to be okay, when I can stand up for myself and leave when I recognize abuse.

I can't fucking do it. Especially on sick days when I'm home all day or all week, trapped and suffering (usually because of my mental illness or migraines). It just hurts so fucking bad. I felt like I was "over" my abusive ex who I dated for a year and didn't even have that much in common with a month after, it's been half a year now and I still have dreams about our relationship like, every night. And I know it's not because I miss *him*. It's not him that I'm not over, it's the... being in a relationship, at least when it was good. The safety of being cared for. Always having someone there for you. Knowing you're not alone. It really does feel like that painkillers analogy. Like I'm given a stable base to stand on.

I want it so, so bad. I'm not even at a time in my life where it's right for me to be in a relationship, even minus all the codependency and BPD. I've been struggling to un-attach from my on/off FP because my brain kept going back to the dysfunctional thinking patterns of being in a relationship, and how much it hurt to be neglected by someone who didn't care as much and didn't have any time for me. My brain is kind of adapting to that reality, but it doesn't hurt any less because instead of focusing on the momentary joy of a positive interaction with him, now all I feel is the absence and the pain of being alone.

I hate it so much. I've been trying really hard to be strong and not cope by thinking of dying. But right now I want to I'm trapped and nauseous and in so much physical and emotional pain and I want to die.