No matter what I do I despise myself. Then I make an effort to improve and just hate that even more. I thought i had beauty inside me but i can't get past this darkness. Im 25 almost still dealing with the same horrible self hatred and disgust and idealizing other people that I did when I was a teen. Ive actually tried to live a good life and keep this disorder in check but at this point what's the point? Im going to drink every day, smoke, take every drug I can get my hands on and fuck it maybe start throwing up again. I don't see any point in improving myself anymore. I hate myself beyond words. And the thing that sucks is that it's literally a cover up tattoo that I got that I hate even more than the original that has begun to trigger all of these things. It's spiraled into now i know i will never feel beautiful again and nothing else in life is going well either and the post covid world is not worth living in and literally every human being on this earth is better than me. I am the worst. No matter what. I hate myself and would trade lives with anyone else in a heartbeat. The only way out is death

So here's to self destruction and (hopefully soon) suicide. I don't deserve a good life and there's no way out of this misery.