This post will mention suicide so TW please don't read if you know it's a sensitive subject. 
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I'm a 20f who has struggled with mental health disorders since I was a kid. I'm not going to go into specifics or this post will be long af. 

I tell myself I'm not suicidal but in reality I'm in major denial, do I want to die? No I don't I really want to enjoy life and be happy truly I do, but on the other hand the pain is excruciating. I don't want to feel like this and death seems like the only way to get some permanent peace, I sleep a lot (like a lot) to escape life but it's only temporary. 

Before anyone asks I'm in therapy and on meds, I'm currently trying to get in the process of changing my meds cause obviously they aren't working. 

For a while the thought that my mum would be heartbroken that I would commit stopped me from doing anything to myself but even that thought is hard to hold on to any more. I just feel I've done everything I can do to help myself and I might be at the end of the road. This whole post may just be my bipolar messing with me and I'll wake up tomorrow feeling better but the feelings are very real in this moment as I'm writing this. 

I'm not looking for help or attention I mainly did this just to put my thoughts out there just to get it out of my head. 

All I want is to be at peace with myself. I'm convinced I will never get that and thats really hard to come to terms with. I know people won't see this but I don't really care about that as I said I just wanted to put my thoughts out in the world.