I'm having a pretty rough week. I just moved to a new country, and while I love it here, I'm incredibly lonely. I also have weird immigrant child shame because my mother is from here (Spain), but she completely abandoned her culture and never taught my sister and I the language or really anything about her country. So I feel like a total fraud and lowkey like I'm not even a real person. On top of that, earlier this week a guy who completely destroyed me emotionally and who I had really intense feelings for reappeared out of the blue, and I've been messed up ever since.

I have an episode about once a week. Something happens to trigger me, I have a breakdown, and then I find I literally can't get out of bed or really even move. I often cycle between crying, trying to nap, taking a long shower, and self-harming multiple times through the day. I just get so exhausted, I truly feel as if I cannot move my body except to do very basic tasks such as brush my teeth or prepare food, and even that is almost impossible. 

I really want to go out and actually do something, but I am so exhausted and every time I go outside I literally start sobbing hysterically and I have to hurry back home before someone notices me. I definitely don't want to go back home, I fucking hate it in the US and I would be going back to a horribly toxic home life (trapped in my mother's house, who I'm pretty sure also has BPD, working in a job I hate, totally isolated from the possibility of friendship or any shred of independence). Lowkey I feel like I have literally no home and like I belong nowhere and I'm a failure of a human being.