struggling a lot lately with conflicting feelings.

people want me around when I can do or provide something for them - financial or practical help, emotional support, personal or work favors, entertainment/amusement, etc.

I hear from people when they want their writing proofread or critiqued. when they're polishing their resume. when they need some copy for their website.

when they have something to promote and want an "in" with my workplace. when they want me to introduce them to an event organizer. when they need a little money. and so on.

and I almost always agree. without hesitation. even when I don't really want to. even when I'm overwhelmed by my own life and can't realistically take on one more task.

because I don't want them to get mad at me. because I don't want to disappoint. because I think maybe they'll finally like me for real if I can do just one more thing for them.

it never works out like that.

people usually disappear after they get what they want, until the next time they want something.

I'm pretty much accustomed to feeling used.

but I also feel like a terrible burden to the people who stick around for any length of time.

I know I'm annoying and nobody really wants to hear about my thoughts or feelings or interests. but I inflict myself on people anyway.

it's been especially bad this last year. I'm not fun anymore. I can't engage with the same activities that I used to -- the activities that my friendships were built on. I'm basically a black hole. so naturally, nobody wants to be around me.

there was one person who stuck around for a while. I could never decide if I trusted her intentions. I struggled to believe that she really cared about me. it made more sense to me that she was pretending to care. playing at being kind to make herself look or feel good. I've been through that before.

I know I was a nightmare to her. I split on her. I tried not to.

I used to go offline for stretches so I wouldn't bombard her with unhinged messages when I was in a bad mental state. she thought I was being manipulative.

it doesn't matter what my intentions were. only how she perceived them.

I hate that I can never really know how other feel about me.

we don't talk anymore. it's for the best. I was a burden to her. I caused problems constantly. she must be relieved not to have to deal with me anymore. I brought nothing to the table. contributed nothing. just took and took.

I was useless. a black hole.

I'm tired.

I want to be valued for who I am, not what I can provide. I want to stop being a dead weight that drags people down.

I want to matter. just a little. just enough.

I don't know how. I ruin everything I touch.