Hey. I’m currently during a very bad episode of panic where I just simply cannot move. Cannot speak. My limbs feel numb, I feel like I’m in a different realm of space, cuz I feel really detached. If I try to speak or think I cry, randomly past guilts and fear and regrets will appear in my mind. I haven’t been able to move from my couch for hours, I forced myself to shower, and then came back. Unable to do anything. I want to do stuff but nothing seems right. Everything feels wrong and I can’t engage with anything. I don’t want to tell my friends, I usually never tell my friends during this, I always show them my happy side after the freak outs. I’m so hungry... really want to cook but I can’t. I know I can... logically I know I can do many things but somehow I’m immobile. It’s taking everything out of me to type this post...When I tried to open my mouth and speak my arms felt weird...I feel insecure about my relationship because my boyfriend is helping me a lot and I don’t feel that I’m getting better...there’s so many things I have to do, I know I can do, but somehow I feel immobile. 

I can’t seem to get out of this for a long time every time this happens. I can only feel better faster is someone is next to me. Being alone is terrifying. When I’m terrified I don’t move...

I know why this happens, trauma. But knowing all my trauma doesn’t give me the epiphany moment they show on tv. It keeps haunting me. 

I’m always worried that I’ll bother people. My mood swings are bad and it makes it hard for me to communicate well with my SO. And I’m always worried he’s going to not be able to take any more of me and leave. 

My father and that side of my family also has mental issues. My mother used to have bad mental health as well. Growing up with them I feel like many of my world views were so wrong but I didn’t realize it until recent years. And I feel so guilty about every thought or way of thinking I had back then all the time. 

I have a fear of toilets, so it takes a lot out of me to be able to use the bathroom. I freak out afterwards. 

I hate myself a lot...