18F I think I bipolar disorder or bpd I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow. I never told them the whole story since I didn't want to be hospitalized oh, I can't stand this anymore I need help.
When I was 15, I was unable to take care of myself. I should have been on antipsychotics. I would neglect my hygiene. I had racing thoughts that didn't make sense to me. I didn't realize I wasn't living normally. I didn't have any friends or association with family. I was withdrawn. I thought I was perfect. Everyone else knew I was falling apart  I was unable to hospitalize myself voluntarily, because I didn't think I had a problem. I was just so sick. 

When I was 14 before my grandmother drove me to the counselor but I tried to jump out of the moving car on the highway. I was banging my head on the window and screaming and crying. 

When I'm in an overwhelming situation my emotions override my capacity to think about the situation logically 
When men try to form a relationship with me I feel like they want hurt me sexually.  I can't drive because I feel I'm not mentally stable to be driving. I feel that I can't talk to people at night because I get paranoid hearing them speak. When there is anger directed towards me I feel the persons anger validates my suicide plan. I'm unable to think clearly when I'm overwhelmed. 

November through January I only showered a 2 times. Very socially withdrawn, I've isolated myself completely. I stopped doing my school work. I would just stare into space. I didn't feel any thing, In that episode, I didn't get out of bed or move from my sitting position for an extended period of time. I didn't speak to anyone during that time. I had no interaction with my family. I only came out to the kitchen to bring the food in my bedroom, and to use the bathroom. Dishes with curdled milk and rotting food didn't phase me. I would let spilled food on my furniture and not clean it up. My room would smell awful from the food rotting. Clothes and dishes would pile up and I didn't care.  I didn't see it as a problem. Until my depression episode ended. My greasy matted hair didn't phase me. I have no desire to have friends to have a relationship, to have a relationship with my family. 

My family thinks I need help for my paranoia and delusions. 

I have intrusive thoughts of self mutilatizaion. I generally feel scared.
I've had mental breakdowns in school and in public. Noone understands why I'm upset and having these breakdowns when they happen. In school I couldn't focus on studies because I knew everyone hated me. I knew they were looking at me, and talking about me negativly. I was very withdrawn. I didn't have any friends. In school I rarely spoke. I don't associate with my family. Family call me multiple times and I never answer. I  started feeling this way when I was 15, but became more intense recently. I don't like making eye contact or speaking to people. I feel paranoid when people are looking at me and talking about me.  I have racing thoughts that don't make any sense to me. 

Out of nowhere the emotions build up and  I have emotial outbursts 

When I'm manic I feel so impulsive, and have mental breakdowns that makes me feel like it's life or death. I don't sleep for days at a time. I get a very strong urges to harm myself. I do have highs and lows. In mild situations I have very intense emotional responses. I get overwhelmed to the point where I physically feel faint. Recently I've been holding a box cutter to my neck and debating suicide when I'm overwhelmed by something. When I'm manic I just get an urge to run off somewhere and live with someone I just met, with no plan and no money to live off of. I feel like I want a rush I need to do something to give me a rush. 

I feel people are talking about me negativly, and looking at me. Or that others want to hurt me. For these reasons I avoid being social or having relationships. 

I was upset that my last counselor couldn't help me so I hung up the phone and haven't talked to him since. 

August 1st I went to a hotel with a box cutter and it filled the tub up. I thought about mutilating myself in the tub. I soaked in the tub from neck down so I would be soft enough to cut my arms and throat. I wanted to take blood thinner also so I would bleed to death, my skin would be softer if it was soaked. I filled up the tub so I would become weak and if I try to get out of the tub i would drown. I cried in the hotel and look at old pictures of myself from ages 0-5 to see how much I have deteriorated. 

My parents try to talk to me and tell me I'm sick and I need help and know what I'm feeling is not normal and just know that I need help.