I am a man who went through a several-year phase where I believed I was male-to-female transgender. It was so overpowering that pretty much the only way I could be happy with anything was to imagine myself in a woman's body, including anything involving sex. Just the thought of doing anything sexual in my male body repulsed me to my core, but I was far too afraid to do what I actually wanted at the time and transition (I live in a conservative area, was afraid how my friends would react, etc.)

This meant that the only form of sexual reprieve I could possibly get was through anonymous sexting on the internet, where I would pretend to be the one thing I always wanted to be - a transgender woman who had the courage to transition. I would use anonymous sites like Omegle and others to begin sexual chats with women (I'm not attracted to men) and tell them I was transitioning, that I passed as a woman in real life, etc. I never established long-term relationships and all of these chats were just quick, one-time flings, so I didn't feel bad at the time for lying. I mean, I knew full well that some of them might have not have even really been women, and I wouldn't have minded that much either (it was more about me being able to live out my dream, not so much who the partner was).

Sometimes in these chats, things would escalate and I would offer or they would ask me to post a nude picture of myself. Obviously, I couldn't use my actual self, so I went to a porn site and just cropped a picture of a random trans porn star's (only the genitalia). I made absolutely sure I never got any pictures in return from my partners - I would feel absolutely terrible if they sent me a real picture when I only sent them a fake one.

Looking back now, I've sorted out my dysphoria and have come to be happier with my male body and identity. I'm happy to say this phase is forever over and I'm never, ever going back to it again. But I can't get over the guilt of everything I've done in the past. I used a deceiving picture to live out a life I wasn't courageous enough to fully follow. I lied about who I was.

And above all else, I was so desperate to do all this that I didn't even take appropriate measures to verify who I was talking to. I asked every single woman I spoke to how old they were, and all of them said they were 18+. That's realistically all I can do over an anonymous platform, but how do I know this for sure? What if one of them was lying? I would rather kill myself than do anything sexual with someone too young, and I feel completely disgusted and repulsed that I didn't question "what if they're not honest?"

Every single day for the past two months, I've just been consumed with guilt and most of all, fear. What if one of them was lying about their age? What if they report me and my life is over? I just hate myself so much for what I did and can't convince myself I'm not a terrible person. The thoughts of self-harm have really been ramping up over the past few days, and I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want it to happen - I can't bear to hurt my mom and my family. But I'm so tired of living in guilt and fear that I just don't know what else to do