Just had a horrible realisation that my gut feeling (or what some have previously called paranoia) that my girl friendship group (5 others) don't actually like me is probably true.

Searched the internet 'nobody likes me' (pathetic I know) and found a thread on Reddit where the poster had described their difficulty in making/keeping friends. A commenter said (I've removed a one or two things that they originally said that I don't think apply to me):

&gt;"Do you tend to dominate conversations, so the other person isn't able to contribute?  
&gt;  
&gt;Do you interrupt people?  
&gt;  
&gt;Do you sometimes come across as a know-it-all?  
&gt;  
&gt;Do you talk about yourself a lot, and perhaps not show much interest in what's going on with the other person?  
&gt;  
&gt;Do you tend to overshare or discuss heavy, emotional, or hot-button topics with people you don't know well, or discuss such things in places or situations where such topics are socially inappropriate?  
&gt;  
&gt;When talking to people, do you complain a lot, and seldom have much to say that is positive or neutral? On the flip side, if the person you're talking to is talking about something bumming them out, are you overly upbeat, perhaps causing the person to think you are being dismissive of what they're saying?"

Yes to all, except the second to last point - I only overshare stuff like this to people I do know well.

I've been really bad with BPD/depression/anxiety symptoms almost constantly since September 2019. A lot of bad stuff has happened in my life since then. This is just the nail in the coffin. I feel suicidal for the first time since 2015, and I can't turn to anybody, and I need someone so bad. There's no wonder that nobody has the time of day for me when I've turned into (or maybe have always been) this bitter, angry and jealous person. There are worse words that would better describe me but I can't think of them.

How am I supposed to improve myself and get out of this hole when I feel so disgusted by myself? 

There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now.