I've been struggling in this mental battle since I can remember. But lately, since September I'd say, it's so different. Before it was always "why me?" "I don't deserve this" "I want to give up." Honestly, I still struggle feeling like this. but I have an amazing boyfriend, soon-to-be dad to our first, and he has been such an eye-opener as of late. I've lost a lot since September, my job, my car, my "friend" group, and quite frankly, myself. When it first happened I immediately thought, "here we go again..." but I'm starting to realize it was for the better. I took a lot of what I had worked so hard for, for granted. I let "friends" drain my energy because it was comfortable. I was stagnant in ways I never knew I could be and it took more of a toll than I realized. I let myself forget what made me, me. I disregarded everything I had learned to help me cope. I gave up...

But now, I'm in limbo. I thought I was figuring it out. I'd had a pretty drastic episode in early December that led to me finding out we're expecting and it changed my entire perspective. But, just 2 short days ago(December 20th), I had another episode and I lashed out against the most supportive person in my corner in the ugliest way. On his birthday, no less. I know juggling untreated BPD + pregnancy hormones is a rather lethal concoction but I never thought I'd get as bad as I did. It was the single most horrendous episode I've had to date. 

Earlier today I scheduled an appointment to get involved in therapy again and I've talked to my doctors about resuming medication (I've been unmedicated and untreated since March 2021). I've apologized to my boyfriend and we've discussed in detail what we both did wrong and where we want to go from here. I'm planning to reinstate small practices I learned in my last go-around of therapy to combat "spiraling" and destructive behavior. I truly want to be better, not only for myself but for the man standing beside me and the life we're bringing into being.

My question is, what can I do to ensure I stick to this path? I'm trying to balance the acts of being patient with myself yet disciplined at the same time like a skilled funambulist, but I'm not quite sure where to stretch the tightrope. I know doing the things I listed above is a good start, but I've got this feeling  I'm in a manic episode and I'm terrified I'm going to lose my footing. I genuinely want change, I want to set a good example. But, goodness, I can't grasp how to do that in its entirety. I just want to get back to myself. Back to the girl that felt stable and confident enough to move forward with the tools she learned without 3 types of medication and twice-weekly therapy sessions.

&amp;#x200B;

TLDR: I'm trying to avoid another episode while still honoring my feelings and without completely shutting down. I'm trying to get back to me. help. please.