I'm 19-years-old. I shouldn't be feeling like this, and yet I do. People argue that "\[your\] life's just beginning!" and honestly, this doesn't feel even remotely reassuring. 

Throughout school I was an absolute loser. There's no other way of putting it. I was. I moved secondary schools three times, and not once did I fit in with my peers, all of who would either ostracise or laugh at me. I'd like to think I wasn't at the far bottom of the social hierarchy, but I wasn't far off. Whatever friends I did manage to make, they either left me for people they could relate more to (I don't blame them — I was a weird kid, and not the quirky weird. The sort of weird that has you reeling from absolute cringe when you recall the memories), or dissipated which, honestly, I sort of expected. Hardly anyone remains friends after you all graduate.

By the age of fourteen I had a plan — this changed when I was fifteen, then sixteen, then seventeen etc, etc. Needless to say, I've never had a clear sense of direction, and even now I'm beginning to doubt the path I'm pursuing (I love the concept of studying Psychology, I just don't think I'm intelligent enough to study it — and gauging other people's reactions, they feel the same way). Even at the age of nineteen, I cannot for the life of me hold down a job. I've tried — several times. Each and every one has ended with me resigning because I feel like I'm not good enough for the position. My family doesn't understand, and they often make me feel bad because of it.

I can't afford therapy. Self-help guides don't work for me because I've no enough willpower to stick to them. I just feel like my life has been ruined, and honestly, I just don't see any point in me being here any more. The fact that people will only remember me as that weird, gross girl (oh, and I'm ugly — forgot to mention that one), it really fucking upsets me. Where the hell did I go wrong? I genuinely, genuinely wish I'd never been born. And despite having a bad relationship with my mum (dad's dead, so I guess I don't need to worry about him), I still want to stick around solely because I'm afraid of hurting her — despite all the shit she put my sisters and I through.