I have been reading some material I could find about BPD and people mainly seem to say that they feel relieved following official diagnosis. I understand why it could feel like a relief to have an explanation for all the problems I have, but I don't feel that way. I actually feel even more ashamed about myself and the bad things I've done, except now I don't feel like I have any hope for my life improving. I feel like I have been handed a death sentence and had any chance of being happy and successful taken away from me.

I don't want to offend anybody but I don't want any of this to be happening to me AT ALL. I don't want a personality disorder. I want to have a nice personality. I knew someone else in the past who has BPD who was a bully, so nasty to others, and now I'm terrified that I'm like that too. I don't want to be a horrible person, I never did, but now it feels like it's completely out of my control. 

I am so afraid and ashamed and I don't know how to tell anyone what's happened, not even my parents or best friends. Hopefully there is support on Reddit.

Thank you for reading.