Recently, my ex and I have consistently been arguing. Its resulted in No Contact because I don’t want to be friends. I feel too much and so does he. He set up boundaries that... just shut me out, because he couldn’t take the cycles. Who could blame the guy. I don’t think either of us actually wanna be friends, we were just holding on because we don’t want to let go. I miss him so much. I think about him every second of every fucking day, it’s so pathetic. 

The worst thing about BPD for me is opening myself up to be shut out, my biggest fear. I don’t think about it getting into the relationship, I just avoid opening myself up in that way. I keep everyone at a safe distance because it’s comfortable. I don’t consciously plot out how I open up, but like all dates everyone has, you talk about all the things you have in common. I opened up to him... and his imaginative world and it felt so good to around instantly. I wish I didn’t feel so hollow without a person. He always said I could never see the positive towards the end of our relationship... only because the more I opened up and was honest with my emotions... the further it pushed him away. 

I don’t want to hurt people. BPD makes me feel like I hurt people because my emotional ground is always shifting and I know how much of a burden that is communicating that... and for them understanding that. It’s hardly something I understand but yet try to control because i know it’s irrational. I don’t know how to love and care for someone romantically to maintain a long relationship and it makes me want to cope before i “split” even more. Anxiety makes impulsivity worse. When I’m in long romantic relationships... they see this.

I wish I could’ve expressed how much I loved him. It just wasn’t enough. He came to hate me and my disorder. Something I never asked for and never opened up about, but he knew anyway. I wish he didn’t meet me sometimes because making somebody question their own self after a relationship - for both of us... is just the worst pain to experience. Insecurity isn’t there until I get close to someone.