I sent a teacher I had for four years between 2004-2008 a very long, very emotional email last night and she just responded.

The email was a little bit about me and who I am now since it has been so long, followed by a detailed retelling of my experience of learning from her and how important she still is to me. I visited the school last weekend and it really hit me hard, so I knew it was finally time to reach out.

I have never told her how much she meant to me so it was a lot to go through. It's been 14 years since I was last in her class. It truly was the best time of my life, which I know some people are embarrassed to say about high school, but it's true for me.

I saw the first sentence and couldn't read the rest. It was sweet from what I saw, but I'm so terrified to open it, and embarrassed I said anything at all. I feel literally sick over it. She meant so much to me and I haven't been this vulnerable and open with anyone in so long... It's been six years since I have opened up like this. 

I am standing in the middle of my apartment crying, having a panic attack over something that is probably extremely positive and will likely be healing and warm but I can't look. I would have been so excited to receive this pre-2016 but I think my abusive ex and our arguments/fights really put me in a horrible place as far as being vulnerable with my emotions and I think I am responding from a place of trauma.

I have therapy in the morning and I'm hoping my therapist can help me find a way to look at it, but as of right now I am crying and I feel like I am losing my mind. Why can't I open this email?