I'm 19 years old, and I've let my life fall apart. I moved from being an excellent student with good grades who was confident in my abilities to feeling uneasy and apprehensive. had so much potential, but I let self-doubt sabotage everything and still continue to do. Now I think about people my age get accepted to their dream schools and pursue their dreams while I can't even see my own future. I feel envy thinking of people my age who are socialising, making friends, and pursuing their dreams in school. I've destroyed myself and will continue to trash my life. I'm still lost on what I want to do with my life. I felt like I was making significant progress in my life to improve it, but now I'm back on this sub, having problems with myself family, and it's all sliding downhill again. I'm not sure what I should do to be happy, and even though I have things, I still feel like something is lacking. I don't have much to keep me going, except from false dreams and fantasies of my life getting better, and I honestly believe that death is a better place than living as myself.
While everyone at my age has decided out what they want to do with their lives, I'm restricted to my room, playing video games, watching TV/movies, and reading books. I'm worried that as I get older, I won't be able to keep up. Because of my insecurity, I squandered so much potential. Now, I believe that others my age are admitted into the schools of their dreams and realise their ambitions, but I am not one of them. I am unable to imagine my fate. just be a fool. Because it's the only thing I know how to do, I destroyed myself and I will continue to destroy my life. I’m crippled with this self hatred for myself the way I look talk everything what causes me to have anxiety at everything I do to make it better by trying to make friends and maybe meet someone but I end up failing or just not doing it. But I don't see myself changing, I'm trapped in a vicious cycle of self-loathing that has become crippling, along with my anxiety, to the point that I can't even leave the house to do the things I have planned. maybe it will get better, maybe not if I does I’ll like to look back at these posts and see far I’ve come, but i keep thinking of killing my self rather than living in a life I constantly hate and my self.