I am in pain, I am in a lot of pain.

Nobody understands me. I never want to talk about it because I don't want to bother others, especially those closest to me because I love them.

But I don't know if some people are worth loving

My father and I have not had the best relationship the past few years. We live together with my mother and my sister. He took a part of my money for half of the down payment for the house - I was 17. I remember I wanted $1,000 of the money I gave them, and they refused stating that they needed every single dime for the house. But I am thankful because I get to stay in the house and so I have been able to save money from rent. 

We got into an argument, many arguments in fact afterwards. They are always saying that I care about the money, but what I really care is that I wanted my share of respect. My father always threatens to kick me out of the house because "it is his house" in his exact own words. I feel he does not have the right to say it because I paid my share of dues and never gotten any respect for it. And whenever I bring it up, I am branded as a selfish person who don't want to help out the family. That's not true, because I love my family. Everything I do is for my family. At least I would like to think so.

I have a lot of pain. I don't care for the money, it seems like it is him who cares about the money and it hurts his ego knowing he had help from his son. But I don't understand why it does because we are a family so we should help each other.

But I am very sad right now because we just had dinner together. He was mixing the sauce on the chicken and note the sauce is boiling hot. It spilled out of the plate and got on my hand. I shouted and no one on the dinner table reacted - my father, mother, and sister. I brought it up 30 seconds later, my father was unhappy because he stated that he did it on accident and that he didn't even know. Again, comes a small argument that I would like to avoid. He said he shouldn't even apologize because he didn't even know he did it. That is so bullshit. Maybe I am just stupid. Because to me, I would feel terrible for doing that to anybody on accident, rather it is a stranger or a family. And if I did it on accident and not knowing that I did it while I hurt somebody, that would make me feel even worse. I want to respect him because he is my father but he is not a man I can look up to.

Everyone was defending him, as usual. My sister even said "he already said sorry." Yeah, okay. They are all the same. Maybe it is me that is the asshole. He said "sorry" in the shittiest way. And honestly I really don't care and I told him I don't care but the fact that he doesn't even pay attention to what he has done and when he found out he is such an arrogant asshole about it. 

There are so much more, that gives me so much pain

but this is the story for tonight

I am tired, really tired

I am very sad

I will probably delete this later

I hope everyone is having a good night