***TW MENTAL ILLNESS***

TBH this is my first time ever searching for a BPD subreddit.. but hey!

I currently have undiagnosed BPD but have had symptoms of it for a few years now. I go to a therapist every few weeks just to chill out and be able to talk about whatever is on my mind, and even after spending the last few months having sessions with her, she can see a connection too. Before I go any deeper, I just wanna say that I don't mean to intrude on anyone else or try to trump others.. but I don't have a support group where I live or anyone else I can relate to about this type of stuff. So here I am.

I've known for the majority of my J/S high school life that something was wrong with me. I constantly had really bad mood swings, uncontrollable anger, paranoia, depression, and other sorts of don't-pity-me bullshit. I had gone to many therapists/psychiatrists as a kid and even got tested for a few things like ADHD (and BPD) but the medications didn't work well with my body, plus I was still too young and undeveloped for my doctors to really know what was the issue, so it was pretty much a dead end. As I got older, things obviously got worse, but I continued going to therapy for my anxiety/OCD (which aside from everything else, I've had since I was a toddler). As I fell into an awful depression, I realized I needed to get my shit together. But it wasn't until last year that I began to come to terms with myself and do my own research. Around that time I started smoking weed as well ( A) I'm in high school and B) The InTeRnEt said it helps ), and so I thought that it might help with how I was feeling but a year later and it still hasn't done much for me except heighten my symptoms.. So I quit.

Now I'm almost out of high school, still going to therapy, and undiagnosed. I run in cycles now. Depressed for a few weeks &gt; crazy manic &gt; normalish? &gt; sensitive as fuck &gt; depressed. It fucking sucks. I feel like I'm losing myself. Like my personality, my friends, my hobbies, the way I think/talk/eat. Long story short, everything has changed. I want it gone ASAP but YES IK it doesn't just work like that. Maybe I'm having a hard time accepting my mental illnesses.. maybe I'm smoking too much. IDFK. However, I think I'm going back to a psychiatrist soon so I'm really happy about that, but for now, I'm lost in (I guess you could say) a maze of my own confusion. I just wanna feel OK again, like myself. Like have my friends again, and not switch up on them every few days even though it feels like it's completely out of my control. I miss myself &gt;:(

Out of all places.. Reddit, what advice can you give me?

If you don't have advice please feel free to leave your own stories/how you felt when you first realized you had BPD (or other MI)