Quick background: Met online in December 2014, was in a LDR until July 2016 in which we closed the gap (I moved to Australia from the US). She started to develop BPD in May 2016 and it became more pronounced over time, and was eventually diagnosed in November 2016, the same time in which our relationship fell apart. She began her DBT program at around that point. I was told to leave the country, and she went no-contact with me until March 2017. I was very clearly split black.

We talked sporadically, her oftentimes blocking me because she was becoming too stressed with the conversation. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be my friend, or if she hated me. I finally became too tired of it all to continue and when she told me around two weeks ago that she viewed me as a stranger and didn't really care about my feelings, I blocked her. 

About five days later, she posted a suicide note on Reddit, and said that her death was my fault. I noticed this, and was extremely lucky enough to have noticed as soon as I did and informed a mutual friend that she was likely about to make a serious suicide attempt and that she needed to contact her. It saved her life. She knew that I knew her Reddit account and would see it eventually (post-mortem), but she wasn't expecting me to stumble across it within two minutes of it being posted, I'm assuming. The morning after, I was slightly annoyed, because, well, yeah. I messaged her, intending to keep it short, and told her that the next time she did something like that, I'd just call the police.

It wasn't kept short. She was acting... different. Like she wanted to talk to me. Like she wanted to engage in conversation, and by that I mean at times she'd plead for me to talk to her in the late hours of the evening. And over the course of the past week that we've been speaking, she was acting *loving*. She'd call me "love" (which we'd established to be a romantic term) with enthusiasm, she seemed interested in my feelings, she said she strongly desired me and missed me, she called me an extremely special nickname ("fox"), we talked about warm memories of the past and shared inside jokes, she was complimentary. 

Yesterday, I told her that I loved her. We shared a special, intimate moment that morning while she was in some state of psychosis and disassociation. She'd heard me say that before, and while I avoided saying it, it was known that it was okay for her to not respond to it. But it felt right, given how she'd been treating me. I thought that we actually might be making inroads into reconciliation, and... she said "I love you too."

I was surprised. I asked her what we'd do from here, and she panicked and told me that she couldn't be with me again and that she was feeling overwhelmingly guilty for giving me the wrong idea, and that she wanted to stay in Australia and that she already had a crush on a (diagnosed) sociopath at her university, and that she didn't even know what love is and that she only said "I love you too" because she felt pressured, even if she was experiencing romantic feelings towards me.

Does anyone have any ideas what that might have been? She isn't actually sure if how she'd been feeling towards me was love, because those sort of feelings could disappear or even turn into hatred at random. But isn't that sort of just how people with BPD, especially very early into its diagnosis and treatment experience it?

I don't know. I feel that there surely has to be *something* still left in her for me, even after being split black as violently and suddenly as I was, and completely removed from her life. She's said that she's thought about me every day, that she still at times thinks of the future we could have had together, still keeps important mementos of our relationship even after moving houses (despite trying to forget about the past), and now she's shown romantic love towards me? It's strange. She's put so much effort into trying to remain in contact with me, and feels a compulsion to do so. Surely that if she didn't have the *capacity* to love me again, she would just ignore the person who's ten thousand miles and oceans away from her, especially when that person has caused her so many negative emotions just because of the turbulent nature of our current situation? :s 