As my anxiety has started to improve dramatically with medication, I’ve realized that many of my organization, work, school and cleaning habits were fueled largely by anxiety and not just a sense of responsibility or discipline.

I used to deep clean my apartment on a pretty regular basis because having clutter and dirt anywhere stressed me out. I’d sometimes completely abandon plans to do something fun or relax because I HAD to clean everything NOW.

Now If things get left out or are a little messy i really don’t care as much and am definitely not motivated to scrub down everything I own.

I also was an extreme over-planner and could not handle uncertainty and not having a plan. We decided to not renew our lease this year, and I went insane not knowing where I’d be living in 6 months. I obsessively researched apartments and scrolled for hours through houses I couldn’t rent because we weren’t moving for HALF A YEAR. 

Before I started medication I ended up getting on the reservation list for a brand new apartment. While it is very nice and I think we’ll be happy there for a long time, I pulled the trigger on it so fast as soon as they said we could reserve because I NEEDED to have a plan. At the tour I requested blueprints of the apartment and made a 3D scale model of it and planned how all our furniture would fit because I couldn’t even handle not knowing that.

Now I am procrastinating on finishing the “moving plan” excel spreadsheet I started because I realized....hey I have like 5 months and I don’t need to worry about that right now?

It’s so...weird. It’s eye opening to see what good habits I actually developed vs what was me just coping with my anxiety.