The first they tried with me was Wellbutrin and it made me explosive and angry. The negative outlook I had due to my mdd was just worse, the only thing I had was increased energy. I started lexapro 3 weeks ago and it gave me insomnia but it also made me feel “better”. I was still kind of wired but that anger was gone. I also had a super upset stomach for the first week but it dissipated. The biggest positive is the effect it has on my anxiety. In social situations where I’m uncomfortable I often shutdown, inside I’m scared but on the outside I seem like an aloof asshole. I didn’t realize the difference until my big family christmas get together last night. My aunt even commented that I seemed “nicer”. This thing that I always dreaded seemed kind of enjoyable to me. I engaged in conversation, smiled, laughed, and overall was outgoing, in contrast to sitting on my phone quietly off in a corner. Another thing is the social “norms” that we’re for some reason so difficult to me came naturally. For example when an extended cousin walks up and asks how I am I would usually mumble “good” and it would be awkward, for this most extended family just kind of didn’t engage. This year when an extended family member walked up and asked “how are you” I was able to put on a bright smile and respond with “good how are you” then extend the conversation. I was so worried about saying the wrong thing and looking like an idiot that I ended up not saying anything and just looking like an ass. The thing is that I just kinda feel too “stable”. Like the days are blending together. While yes I can have a bright smile and engage in conversation on Christmas it just doesn’t feel like Christmas. It feels like Friday to me. I may no longer be a danger to myself and I may no longer be in agony on a day to day basis but I just don’t know if I want to feel this stale for ever. I also don’t like relying on a pill for my well-being.