I’m at a point where I’m still mentally ill, but not as much as I used to. My ed seems to be a topic of the past, and my therapist doesn’t even mention it. I’m not taking antidepressants anymore. I’ve been sh-free for 3 months now. But I still feel like sh*t. 
And I’m scared of letting go of my illness. What if when I’m “healed” things don’t go as well as they are supposed to? I’ve been in therapy for more than five years, and I’ve been promised this “light at the end of the tunnel”, this “happiness”, but I can’t seem to reach it.  When does my happiness come? Will my happiness come at all? Does it really exist? And if it doesn’t, wouldn’t it be better to just spiral into my ed and depression so I can at least numb myself from the pain? 
(I hope I explained myself clearly, English is my second language)