Hi, I’m new here. And I’m not diagnosed with BPD, but I have had horrible episodes and have symptomses I heavily relate. I’m trying my best to get a diagnosis but it’s a very slow progress.

Tonight is one of the rough nights. And usually when I have these rough nights, I watch Bojack Horseman. I know that BH is a character who was written as a character with BPD. And I can’t help but relate to many serious scenes from that show hence I find some weird comfort from the show. 

But now watching it again and seeing Bojack going through tough times and constantly ruin other peoples lives and ruin relationships, and his friends constantly calling him out on his stupid choices, but he still never changes, made me think: have I changed at all? And am I ever going to change? Is it ever going to be better?

I started thinking and I feel like I never done real improvement. I ruined an important friendship back in 2018 and ever since avoided any close attachement with anyone cus I thought that would just solve the problem. But it has made me alone and its absoulutely ruining me as I hate being alone with my thoughts. And now I’m back and being more outgoing in which I have so much anxiety of ruin someones life. I even relapsed when a friend came to me and said how she’s been upset with me for months cus of the things I done to her, even though they were never inentional. 

To put it short: I feel like no matter what I do, I’m stuck in a loophole of either ruining myself or ruining someone else. And I just want to get out of this. So does it ever get better?