I just dropped off my exes stuff. It was honestly one of the most painful experiences I've had. I was okay on my way there... the anxiety started ticking up as I was five minutes away on the highway... i put on one of my favorite dresses. Come to think of it... he's never seen it. It's in his favorite color, too... anyway.  The emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. And, I tried so hard not to run away the moment I rang the door bell. I was trying hard to quickly walk to my car so I didn't see him or his family...but, I basically bunny hopped to the car from the fear and anxiety lol I'm laughing at it now that I'm remembering... but yeah. I had a break down on my way home. I miss him deeply. And i love him deeply. Im so hurt we weren't at a healthy point in our lives to make it work. 

He really meant the world to me. Saying goodbye to someone you love is probably the most excruciatingly painful thing a human can experience. I wish i didnt love him sometimes. It would make moving on so much easier. In my heart a piece of me hopes it'll work on in the future.


I keep replaying the song coffee at midnight in my head ever since pulling off from his house.  Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk! Why does love have to hurt so much? I thought I was a strong person . I wasn't equipped for this. Feels like someones just running over me with a spiked bulldozer over and over again.


I love you S. Always will. Doubt you'll see this.. but, the off chance you do... I really fucking love and miss you. Lol  yes. I got a new reddit.