I have been in therapy for a year and a half.   I was diagnosed with bipolar, BPD and ADD.  I met a sweet man and we quickly became enamoured with each other.  Of course it was an imbalanced relationship.  I fell short of holding my end up of the rent.  I had frequent irrational outbursts and we lived in a tiny apartment together during COVID.  He is a quiet soul and not one to share his feelings.  So he built up enough disdain for me that after a miscarriage he kicked me out.  My hormones were plummeting and I felt desperately alone. As I do often.  He was my stability and in one day I packed all of my things and set out. 
My psych referred me to someone else that will not take any patients until December.  The resource for after miscarriage is also not accepting clients until December.  Well, I am homeless, jobless, heartbroken and going further and furthur into debt and all of my supports are failing. 
I really don’t know where else to turn to as I have been coping so long with disassociation and fake personalities that nobody can tell I have chronic depression from perpetual emptiness.  

I don’t blame him for kicking me out.  I think that is a sane choice for hime.  He didn’t believe my bipolar disorder.  He saw me get back to work but he didn’t understand that coming home to him everynight was how I could function.  I was too much awfulness for him.  I don’t know how to help myself besides disassociation and numbing.  My brain freezes or it acts out.  I am 39 this year and feeling like an unlovable loser and no matter how many times I recite: “I am worthy of love and happiness” I don’t fucking believe it.  My brain knows I am lying.  

So here I am. My dog is the only attachment to this life so I predict I’ll never suicide.  But the thought of relief from this bullshit is a fantasy I replay.  

Thanks for reading this rant.  I am trying to express myself in words to get out of my head.  Not sure what else to do but distract and sleep.  So I’m open to any advice that is not count to ten.  D