I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, and ADHD for a very long time and have only recently began treating them via therapy and medication.

Despite trying to overcome the numbness of depression and simultaneously the overwhelming thoughts from anxiety and ADHD, I just feel like I’m sinking lower and lower. I lost my job 5 months ago and since then I’ve felt like I’m just going by the days on autopilot just waiting until I can fall asleep again. At this point, I wouldn’t even be upset if I didn’t wake up. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t.

I’ve been trying to better myself by studying for IT certifications so I can hopefully advance into better opportunities than just helpdesk work, and I even passed an exam just last week. While I’m proud of myself for pushing myself to study and do well on the exam, I honestly don’t feel like I’ve achieved anything. I’ve recently applied for another job and I’m trying to get myself to study for the next cert, but I really have zero motivation for anything.

What sucks most is my lack of excitement and motivation has really been affecting my girlfriend as well. I just keep disappointing her and I can tell she’s getting frustrated. It hurts me so much to see that I’m hurting her and affecting her, but it’s just so hard to pull myself out of this pit that I’ve dug myself.

I snapped recently and ended up relapsing and self-harmed. It’s been over 8 years since I’ve gotten to that point and it just makes me feel worse when I see what I’ve done. I’m so afraid of my girlfriend finding out because I just don’t know how she’d react. We’ve talked about how it was a coping mechanism of mine in the past.

I don’t know anymore. I just really needed to vent. Thanks for tuning in.