So where do I even begin probably September 2019 I met this girl lucy at my Burger King job. We took a little bit to start talking to each other but I could immediately felt her energy drawing me in before we did and she claimed to as well. 

Once we started talking to each other we immediately hit it off like nothing else ive ever experienced. We always fucked around with our job. she would bring alcohol every day we would drink there I loved going to my job. This is where I probably mention why she brought alcohol every day because the turns out she had the same mental illnesses as me like all three (BPD, Bipolar 1, and PTSD) that I ended up being diagnosed with after the first relationship ended and she used alcohol to cope. 

The level of which we understood each other was insane like we really have a cosmic connection. She had a boyfriend when we started talking and they were having a lot of troubles. One day he ended up not showing up to bring her home and she lived in another town. I uber to and from work most days so after a long shift of just fucking around,laughing, smiling more than we ever have, we even climbed on the Burger King roof and yelled down at people in drive through lmao. But after that shift and her boyfriend not coming to get her she felt abandoned and realized there was somebody that was easy to love that she didn’t have to try so hard for I took her home with me and that was where our relationship started. 

Not the best way but we fueled our joined fire and burned so brightly. I was living with my mom in her basement at the time it has its own door and we were manic living in my basement for months. Also she has a kid who I love she brought with her. All of that didn’t sit well with my mom. I was basically moving in this girl with tattoos does drugs and has a kid so she was not a fan. We eventually got to where we would stay up every night and wake up at drinking hours every day. I went to her house a few times for get togethers with her friends and holidays where somebody would always get in a drunk fight with somebody else or fight with me and her because we would just laugh at everyone who was angry. 

I should get into the bad now. September ends November was cool she lost her job to a no call no show this month and thanksgiving I met her mom and brother and sister november ends. December was the hight of the mania for us both (like I was hallucinating one of my friends with no face straggling me before I fell asleep not when I woke up and I could move not SP and we spray painted all over the back of my house and stopped sleeping) and the hight of our relationship until half way through we were being a little extra loud and rowdy at 3 am my mom wakes up screaming she says she’s done with her being here. She tells lucy she can’t live there but I went behind her back to keep bringing her over because I needed her she was drugs to me. 

Lucy didn’t like that obviously because it was my moms house and we all hate that feeling being in someone’s house where someone in it doesn’t like you right? I’d rather just not be there. But what she did to me was so much worse. She got some bad anxiety about her one day I told her to go to my house so she’ll be there when I got out of work at 11. She got there much before me and my mom asked who was over because she told me lucy wasn’t allowed to sleep over. I lied she went downstairs and saw lucy and asked her to leave lucy had a full ass panic attack but somehow when I got there a panic attack meant she leaves me and goes and fucks her ex boyfriend. Instead of leaving with me, she leaves me. And fucks her ex boyfriend. And I forgave her. She fucked somebody else. And I stretched it out. That should show how much I think I need her. 

I spent the rest of my money on motels so she had somewhere to go that wasn’t his house or her momma house which she totally could’ve went instead of her ex boyfriends house and fuck him but fuck it right? Fuck me right? Was I just a fucking experiment to break when you break? Instead of building each other up you just break me to fix yourself. Anyways she moved in with him the lied to me about it saying she was with somebody completely different and that’s when I started getting ignored constantly. 

Sooooo that’s where my “rage rage FUCKING RAGE” comes from when I’m being ignored cuz she’s probably fucking him right? Right cuz she’s totally been 100% truthful with me at at point. I couldn’t take it I told her I was gunna break up with her because she let him take her phone when she was talking to me and fucking talk to me like  I want to talk to you I fucking hate him. But literally I say I’m done for all those reasons and she has the audacity to tell me that if I just waited for 16 hours she was going leave bobby to have me adopt her son and move in with me and “it was just about to get a whole lot easier. But i guess not..” why did she do that to me. And why is she coming back now 6 7 months later? I left my recent girlfriend because she didn’t understand me like Lucy did. I felt crazy I need someone crazy like me to feel normal. She had me blocked for months I had to make a fake facebook to talk to her and I did i was talking to her a for a few weeks now and she’s already fucked my head up.

 She left the same ex again a couple days ago and explained to me how she had to force herself to love him and origami fold him up to be something he just isn’t and how easy it was to love me and how she sees now I actually loved her like really really love her. And she said I can move in with her and sage and her bunny and I can bring my bearded dragon and I just touched the sun when she said that. 

We spent a few hours on the phone a couple times and that ex apparently slammed her face into the couch bout 5 times and she left him because he never put hands on her before but now he did and that was it I guess he got brought to a mental hospital and he’s going to jail so probably why she needs a replacement. Cuz that’s probably all I am until he gets out again and she can’t even deny that. 

I went to get my ex to buy me booze (I’m only 19 but people think I’m 24) because she was ignoring me again so I knew bobby called her from the hospital I felt it and I was right again unfortunately but before I knew that she tried to call me and the signal was breaking up but she was fucking pissed I was with my ex when it was literally to buy booze to drink on FaceTime with her that night I was getting the shit and going home but she just projected the shit she felt bad for doing TO me ONTO me and blocked my second account and wouldn’t answer my calls my texts just kept saying fuck you then nothing. 

She convinced me she wanted to marry me and have kids with me then she ripped it right away the next day. I’m fucked up right now. I don’t know what to do. She’s had her phone off for 8 hours now when I told her the time I would call her. She turned it off right at that time. Idk what to do anymore I’m fucking so confused and so hurt. She’s me in a lot of ways like a lot so she knows exactly how to hurt me because it’s the same way she gets hurt. It’s like amusing to her that I exist as just a male version of her with the same extreme intense emotions all the fucking time I’m so fucking sick of this shit the numbness and the nothing is real feelings are gone. Now it’s just pain and hurt and pain. idk what to do somebody please read this the worlds greatest love story am I lost in the sauce right now?