this is a bit venty but i would like responses to this if people feel the same way. i have a huge problem with my identity and not knowing who i am. i had a pretty 'consistent' identity when i was with my ex boyfriend because we were together for a kinda long time. i feel like i 'lost' myself or maybe i just based my personality off of him and my best friend at the time. 
well yesterday i really feel like i lost both of them like pretty much forever. shit changes it isnt high school anymore i need to get over it i need to worry about myself. but quite honestly, i noticed something about these people in my life. everyone kinda wants to tell me what i am or what kind of person i am. everyone wants to tell me that i am this or that. they all want me to be what they like or the way they are but i cant fucking be that. 
i am everything and nothing at the same time and i cant change that shit. i lost so much of my 'true' self while giving away pieces of it to people trying to mend them, trying to make them love me. i cant do that anymore. cause guess what? they dont love me. they will never love me because they just dont. there is no point in asking them or making them clarify or 'getting clousure'. PEOPLE DONT WANT THAT. they want to just stay in mild contact with me so they can say they didnt completely fuck me off. because everyone's too much of a pussy to actually fuck people off when they dont like them. 
i am mad im still mad because i am so mistreated always. i am always fucking bending myself for someone to love me. to give me an ounce of attention and love and it doesnt matter. cause they dont care. 
i dont know who i am or what i want. this quarantine is making it harder too. but one thing i decided for sure. i will NEVER let myself get played like i got played before. i will not wait for someone's text. i wont fucking cry about someone when they clearly dont even have me as a 10th fucking choice. i am done i will not bend my personality whatever it is to suit anyone anymore. i dont care about it anymore. i am what i am. i am ever changing i am turbulent i wont let anyone ever shame me for that. hope someone understands this feeling.