I'm not going to make this a long post, just enough to vent. Me and my ex broke up 4 months ago, and for a while, things were great because we were really toxic and having her out of my life made things great. But about 2 months ago, I started feeling sort of empty and hopeless, kinda like I didn't know who I was. I decided to drown this with weed though, I started smoking and got high basically every day, even at school. Weed made me feel chill and not worry about things, I felt peaceful and like everything was going to be ok. 



Just like any other drug though, the more you do it the more you need to get high, and now I'm having to smoke a lot just to feel ok, even then though it's not the same. I do have friends and people, but even then I feel out of place and I can't describe it. I don't have any goals, I sit at home every day accomplishing nothing, my grades are good but what's the point when I don't even know what I'm going to do after high school.




Now I and my ex were far from perfect, but when I had her I actually had goals and things I wanted to do, I had dreams of the future and what I could do, but now without her, I don't have anything. It's not necessarily her that I miss, It's more of I miss the feeling of having someone. I miss the excitement I used to have every day when we first got with each other, I miss it because even though she was toxic I was at least at peace.




I'm not going to go back to her, I'm not stupid or anything. I just feel so lost now and I'm stuck, I want to feel something again other than when I'm high and sadness. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I'm scared to reach out because I'm scared they would think I'm insane or something or admit me to the hospital. 




I want to find myself but I don't know how to, I want to stop smoking but I feel addicted now and It's so hard to stop. I don't know what to do In my life, I make goals for myself only to no avail. I'm sometimes stuck in the past, wishing to go back and feel like I did. I know nothing will happen, and what do I know maybe one day I will, hell maybe even tomorrow I don't know, every day brings something new and exciting, I just don't feel that excitement. 



I know that a lot of people probably feel this way and that It's nothing new, there are others who have it way worst than me, It just I really don't know what to do. I know I need to get up and figure this shit out, but It feels like there Is no point to It and It's so hard to even take a shower now. Everything feels like a chore, It fucking sucks. I'm not suicidal or anything, I don't want to die at all, I just want to live.