Kaiser Permanente has been my healthcare system for as long as I could remember. For the longest time I mostly used it when things went wrong like I knew I had strept and need a course of antibiotics or something else happened.

But one day I asked the nurse if I could talk to my PCP about my depression and suicidal thoughts. The whole atmosphere changed at that moment and I was being asked these questions and I found myself with appointments with their behavioral health department.

At first I thought after years of struggling, suffering in silence, half-hearted and failed attempts I could hide I was finally going to get help. I talked to a couple of doctors and started with a psychologist. Then they referred me to a psychiatrist to start me on meds. Some diagnostic testing here and there. Tweaking the meds. It was a long process but it was consistent. But then it happened.

Appointments started being canceled. It would then be another month before I’d see my psychologist. The meds are wrecking me but I can’t get a hold of my psychiatrist, oh beacause they left and I have to start over with someone new and that’s another month away. 

Then COVID hit and in-person 50 minute sessions switched to periodic telephone calls to check how I’m coping which in turn switched to video conference which the first 15 minutes of a session is us trying to fix whatever glitch is happening. 

Here I am again it’s been months since I’ve seen my psychologist and psychiatrist. I get a call that my psychiatrist left KP and I need to start over with someone else so they book an appointment for the following month. The day before that appointment they call again saying that person left and I have to reschedule again. Now it’s six weeks before I can see anyone. 

I file a grievance and get this dumb letter back that they’re glad I was able to get an appointment with a doctor in February, only that was for a different type of doctor. 

I really don’t think Kaiser Permanente cares at all. All this time and effort to try and fix myself was for nothing. If the people who are supposed to help don’t help then what’s the point of going on?