I probably shouldn’t but for weeks it’s been like this is something I need to do. It feels that way. It feels like she might just be waiting for me to text. But all the evidence points to her wanting nothing to do with me. But I can’t help how it feels. We’ve known each other a long time and we’ve fought and stopped talking a lot of times but this time feels different. She also has BPD. In May she told me I wasn’t her FP anymore and she laughed at me about it. In June she made me look like a piece of shit to our mutual friends in private.  She made fun of me and my feelings and my mental health, even though she struggles and has struggled with the same issues. But I can’t help how I feel. I want to see if she’s truly done with me. If she is, I think maybe I can start to recover. I don’t know. But I can’t keep going without doing it. That’s how it feels anyway. Im not living my life right now. Im just thinking about this all day every goddamn day and have been for a month. All I can do is mentally prepare for this, because it’s something I simply have to do. I have to ask her if this is the end. Nothing in my life is going to matter until I get it through my skull that this is over. I’m wasting away over here and losing my mind over this ever day and honestly I need some help. Coping skills or perspective or something because it feels like I either do this and risk my personal life imploding or I don’t do this and continue my life as a vacant minded fucking anxious zombie forever. Please and thank you. 🙃