 

My older brother who lives in his house with his wife has organized a get together and barbecue for my mom to celebrate mothers day. He told me yesterday morning and I told my mom(who whom I still live with) that I would go and he got happy and even asked me to bring over my acoustic guitar and play something for her.

Okay, I was fine. But in the afternoon she discovered that her boyfriend that lives with us and was with her for the last seven years was cheating on her. She got upseat obviously and kicked him out. Instead of properly showing my support I actually got anxious and started overthinking tomorrow at my brothers house.

For several years now I suffered from anxiety nausea and not being able to eat in social events, even events with my family. Christmas and new years eve get togethers are a nightmare for me. I think about it months later.

Yesterday night I was ruminating and was reading posts on reddit of people who were in a similar situation to mine to try and calm myself down but with no success. When I tried to sleep, I couldnt, and stood up reading things about social anxiety and avoidance until 4 am, when my stomach was completely empty so I could sleep. Because my anxiety gets essentially bad when I eat. Instead of feeling energized I feel a discomfort in the stomach and the slightest stress could kick in nausea.

Anyway, today is the day and I wish I could go and have fun, play some songs dedicated to her but I cant stop thinking that I will be uncomfortable tinking about throwing up, will not be able to eat, depending on my anxiety about not being able to eat Ill probably throw up, and, again, will embarass myself in front of everyone instead of having a good timw with my mom to make her happy after what she been through.

I cant stop saying bad things to myself because my anxiety makes me do things that makes people that care for me think that I dont care about them. Its sad thinking that the only chance that she takes into account is get togethers where all family is united. But little she knows that this ia hell for me.

Anyway, I'm probably not thinking straight and Ill I can wish is I could be in therapy again or in meds so I could make improvements on this, but right now im unemployed and will not be able to go to therapy untill I get a job....

what are your guys opinions about this?