Hello 
I'm 30F and have had depression and anxiety at least since I was 8 years old. I say 8 because that was the first time I tried to commit suicide so I guess illness settled in way before that. I have the usual background of experiencing extreme violence at home, my mom suffered from depression and had a lot of problems. I sought help first time when I was 18 years old, it had taken a long time for me to realise that I was, in fact, not normal. I've been on off medication and on off therapy. 

Were coming to the point
About a year ago I went in venlafaxin again becuase I was having suicidal thoughts about 20 times a day. A couple of months later I was diagnosed with low iron and my doc put me off pills since apparently my symptoms were becuase of low iron and not depression. He kinda ignored me saying I've been sick for 20+ years. Okay well medication has ended and I've been eating iron and have returned to being suicidal and can't see the point of living and I know this isn't going anywhere good.

The problem now is, I work in a hospital and due to some structural changes our health insurance got minimised to only apply to healthcare (mental illness is "sick care") so now my options are go bitch to my colleague about my depression, or not go at all. I cannot afford going to a private doctor. I cannot muster myself to go confess to my colleague that I'm this close to killing myself and I'm pretty sure it would be a terrible surprise. I dont know what to do. I'm kinda just waiting to snap. 

I don't have anyone to talk to about this since I have no friends and my SO has problems of his own and I don't want to burden  him. I can't really use any of the services here because I've worked with all of them and I ..don't want to lose face I guess.
Idkwtd. I thought to write this down.