I’m finally learning how to speak up for myself and set personal boundaries early in relationships.

I used to let friends dictate my life and allow them to walk all over me. Any time I set boundaries now it blows up in my face and I either lose friends or it’s awkward from that point onward. A lot of my relationships are with friends who see my vulnerability, take advantage of it and use it against me when I try to improve my life. As if to remind me how messed up I was and my rock-bottom struggles they’ve supported me through. Like “oh you’re trying to make changes? dont forget the hell you were and put me through” (not exact words, just describing some friends’ approach to me when I share my mental health revelations and life changes). I always apologize and take responsibility for my past actions.

Recently I was diagnosed with BPD with a lot of childhood trauma-now as an adult I get lots of flashbacks and struggle with self harm, self hatred, suicide attempts etc. My friend were there for me and I’m extremely grateful because I was a terrible person for putting them through my hell, I was hurting so much inside and unfortunately this hurt them too. I’m trying to move forward though-because there’s a fine line between recognizing the villain I was during my dark times and slipping into self-loathing and becoming actively suicidal again. My remorse and efforts to change is never enough for some friends, I don’t know what to do. Though, to be clear, my changes are for myself because I actually want to live a life worth living. I guess I burnt them out and cannot repair my relationships anymore.

I’m working on DBT interpersonal effectiveness with my therapist and this information seems helpful. Wish I knew all this before. When I use it I hope to change the way I engage in relationships.

Is it normal for friends to still bring up past grievances even after mutually settling it? Should I do more to reassure people that I’m sorry for the terrible emotional and suicidal wreck I was? I understand I used to be a terrible person and I’m doing my best to change but at the same time I feel bullied when friends use my past against me while I’m making changes to my life and interpersonal interactions. Am I doing this right? I have no idea what to do