2020 has undone years of recovery and my mental health has taken a nose dive. As of right now one of my biggest stressors is my job. 
I’ve been stressed today but kept it under control. Tonight my heart was pounding but I was ignoring it the best I could. I tried to go to bed early, I had every intention of going into work tomorrow and doing my best. Then suddenly, I had a horrible panic attack. I feel like it’s been a long time coming. I contemplated throwing myself down the stairs even to avoid going in to work. Then I started thinking about how I’m a terrible person, a disappointment, how I deserve to be punished. Finally I calmed down and messaged my boss letting her know I won’t be in. Now I’m paranoid I’ll be fired, even though I’m a super dedicated worker and never call off. I just feel so guilty. I don’t even want to work there anymore! But I wouldn’t want to leave on bad terms. 

I just needed to vent. Tomorrow I’ll call my therapist and try to take the day to recuperate. I probably need to go back on my meds. I haven’t been myself in a long time and I’m scared of how bad things have gotten. I hate myself and that I’m like this.