I'm just here to ask for help. To hear similar stories or just get some fucking kindness thrown my way. 

I had been fighting with my boyfriend all day. He said it felt like I made everything seem like it always 100% his fault. He argued for hours. Then he went out. He drank. I kept calling him and pestering him. He got drunk. Told me he's tired of feeling jealous about stuff I did in my past, and that I'm a "thot" (yes, he used that word) that ruined his "entire game" and ruined his life life. He kept telling me to go fuck myself on the phone. 

He was drunk and kicking things on the street and screaming at me to go fuck myself. I could only cry and say that I understand, that I'm worthless and that he deserved better. He said I was just taking all of his money away (we are long distance and coming to visit me is expensive) and that I ruined his life and was a thot. He said I should just go back to fucking the people from my past, that it was all I wanted to do. That I didn't want to be with him. 

I didn't even have strength in me to argue. I just kept repeating that I wanted nothing else but him and that I loved him. I asked him if he didn't want to be with me. He said no. I asked him if he loved me. He said no. It was supposed to hurt so much but I was just numb. I started dissociating. The call ended abruptly with him telling me to go fuck myself again, and then I managed to keep it together until I called a suicide hotline. 

I spent an hour on the phone with a volunteer. Mostly crying. The guy couldn't understand half the shit I said. I was just letting it all out. Snot all over the place. 

I just hung up and I'm writing this post. I started dissociating again. I don't even feel human. I'm sleep deprived and I have work in 2 hours. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

He left. And I have nothing else.

Can someone please help me.