I don’t really know where to start, but to put things simply, I feel like *I* am nothing, there is no me. I feel like a sponge. Everything I watch, every game I play, all the people I’m around, I absorb. I will literally become a character from something for a week or two because I have absolutely no sense of self. It makes me feel confident and excited for this new persona I’ve embodied then that goes away after a week or two. The thing that affects me the most, is reading about disorders on the internet. I definitely have some form of hypochondriasis, because I will spend hours reading and researching disorders or health conditions I think I have and unconsciously mimic symptoms. I have convinced myself I could have Asperger’s, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, etc. before. Because of my lack of self, these disorders (that I probably don’t have) become my identity, which I know is wrong. But like I said earlier, with disorders, my obsession period only lasts a week or two at most. However, the most prominent disorder that fits is BPD because I’ve suspected it for 4 years and been very consistent. I started seeing a psychologist for the first time at the beginning of this year and my psychologist is leaning more and more towards a BPD diagnosis since I brought it up, but wants to be absolutely sure (since it is a very serious diagnosis, after all). I fit all 9 criteria, but we’re just trying to figure out the severity of the symptoms and/or if I’m exacerbating symptoms to fit the diagnosis. Ugh, this is so frustrating to write, there are so many things I want to say but it would be too long.

 I’m not going to try and justify the diagnosis because that’s not my concern atm. For now, I feel like I’m going crazy because my family has never ever taken me seriously and now I feel like I’m in a “I told you so” phase where I do whatever I want that fits in the diagnosis in resentment. I’ve always been scolded by my family for telling them I need help so I feel like I have to get revenge now that they’re realizing something is actually wrong. Since, I started developing a head jerk tic recently that happens like 40-50 times a day after I started therapy. I’ve become truly depressed, I’ve become suicidal, I feel truly hopeless and no one understands, and I feel like everything I feel isn’t real because of how it has all happened so fast. My parents think I’m making myself worse for attention. They think I’m making this up. But truly, I think I’m second-guessing myself because my parents told me I was completely fine so often that sometimes I believe it (they think they know me inside and out when I have no real relationship with them anyways). I’m so scared that I’m making a mistake and I will be misdiagnosed because of this self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m not choosing to do this, but I do feel like it’s my fault. At the same time, I know I still have these problems, regardless if they are self-induced. Again, there is so so so much more I could say but I know if I made it long enough, people probably wouldn’t take the time to read. I’m sorry. I feel like nothing is real and I’m just a fake and now I just can’t take it anymore. 