Met the perfect man (for me) less than a month ago, as a complete surprise, after I had dropped all hope for finding someone even remotely what I want. I've met him before, years ago when I was in a relationship, and now we shared that we had been mutually interested in each other, but didn't have a chance back then. 

I was mentally abused for a year by my ex, who wouldn't be with me but wouldn't let me be. I tried to leave him several times, he always came back, and as I am weak for affection and not being lonely, I always believed his lies. Two months ago I broke all contact. Hurt like hell, but kept to it. 

So, all that shit now tore this thing apart, because of traumas and my life long abandonment issues coming up all the time, despite me knowing what it was. This new guy, I don't idealize him. I see him with his flaws and good sides. He's not perfect, but he hit me like a lightning bolt, which has never happened before (I've been in 5 long relationships, and I've never been able to get interested without knowing someone well, this was completely different. I had known him before, always felt the "uh, it's him, I wonder.." twinge when we met, once or twice over the years, which was odd for me, too.). It was overwhelming. I felt heard, for the first time ever. He had the humour I needed, potential for a great lover, and he talked. But he has one big flaw: he has a girlfriend, one he's been with for two years but never met, as she lives across the globe. I broke my rule: no cheating. I was dumb. 

We tried to meet, but it failed due to him. Then again, met but the night didn't end as I hoped. Then he did his thing, went silent for a day. I felt betrayed, unwanted, disliked, even when I knew it wasn't because of me that he went silent. My depression exalerated to 100 %. That was a week ago. 

And then I said things I deeply regret, about his relationship, called it play-pretend. I was depressed and angry, trying to explain something else and used a totally wrong word than I meant. I apologized ten times. And today I turned it all to ashes, told him I can't do this anymore. Can't wait and want something that I can't have. Told him to message me only if he tells his gf about what happened between us. I can't be part of a lie. 

So I lost the perfect guy for me, because I couldn't stand his need to be silent at times, because my traumas triggered and my BPD schemas took control of me. I hate myself now. I could've just taken it. See if it really was as magical as it felt at the beginning. Make his decision between us easier. 

I know I know I know, cheaters are bad. He's not perfect. He did bad, too. But I still wanted to act better. And now I've only made myself more assured that I'm not allowed to be in any kinds of relationships anymore, as I obviously ruin them. I hate the things BPD feeds into my brain, and I don't want to allow them in anymore, but I'm too depressed (if anyone cares, see my last posting) with my life to struggle and use better ways to deal with things.