I got caught up way to much in the writing as this is basically an rundown of my life. I don't expect anyone to read this but if you do, ty &lt;3


I just feel like ending things, in fact I do since 4 years on and off.

The first 12 years of my life were pretty eventless, as it didn't come to any major incidents regarding my family. Though I, as the older and the male child, always suffered a bit under my fathers "parenting" (throwing me into muddy puddles as punishments (8yrs old), gripping my wrist so tight that it cracked and hurt for days (11 yrs old), etc).

At 13yrs old, my mother finally cut the line and broke up with my father, who had completely destroyed the relationship of 14 years by then (major factors were constant arguments about everything and the other one being how my father treated me and my sister but specifically me). 

The naive 13 year old that I am, I choose to live with my father because he was..... honestly idk what I thought back then I can't come up with any reason on why I chose him. 

First 1 year of living with my father was actually really chill, as he was frightened he'd lose me to my mom and would have to pay child support, so I frequently got presents and my first PC, had nothing to do in the household and could pretty much do what I'd want to. 

Then it slowly began, my father eventually was sure enough that I wouldn't leave this home (and for god knows what fucking reason he was right), for him to slowly don't care how I felt at home. He let it get dirty, yell at me kinda often and started experimenting with punishments, but nothing too special and nothing you couldn't deal with. 

Over the course of that very year it only got worse, remember how I had no responsibilities on the household? - well now I -was- the household: Keeping track of groceries, trying (i failed to clean up the whole house designed for 4 people) to keep evwrything clean and of course school was also my own matter as long as I didn't bring back bad grades, then he'd yell at me and just experiment with some random punishment. 

At that point I kinda got used to this lifestyle and fled into video games just to escape, which ultimately showed in my grades. 
That couldn't go on forever so I failed one year in school. Never ever in my life at that point was I so close to just jump off the next bridge. 

As if it couldn't be worse my father, against my will and anyone who he spoke to about it, got my grandma (who is a lovely person and she also suffered a bit under my fathers ruling as he made her write letters of excuses (literally) to him if she did anything he deemed bad (his 80 year old fucking mother btw)) to live in the house with us two. Yay another thing I'm responsible for at 14 btw. 

He just expected me to always be there for my grandma as he was always out late in to the night (were speaking of 3-4 am on workdays (which doesn't say much because he was unemployed at that time, though I never lived in poverty or anything else because he has a talent for anything money related and had a lot in stocks)). So at 14 I was responsible for a household of three, completely on my own with my school stuff and had to specifically be there for my grandma who'd fall over often so I had to pick her up, etc (at that point I had already "saved" her life twice because nobody would look after her except me when she was still living alone across the street and couldn't stand up or call anyone). 

At that point Covid had already hit Germany if I remember correctly and a quarantine was issued for everyone in our state. Afraid of being alone in this house with my grandma and father, I completely lost touch with reality and completely fled into video games (god bless my friends who still kept me entertained everyday even if we didn't see each other at school (at that point nobody really knew what was up with me as i rarely spoke about myself and got pretty good at not showing any emotions due to my dad often harassing me when i showed sadness or anyting - his son had to be a man after all)). 

During that time my dad and I at times fought so much that he'd shut off my internet for weeks with him being completely aware that I couldn't participate in homeschooling. 
Me not being able to talk to anybody at this time and not even being allowed to go out due the quarantine the situation just drove me mental (I don't even wanna think about the thoughts I had at that time ever again.)  -Again I was extremely close to just step over the edge-

At that point I entered the next year of school and now all of the classes got remixed and I happened to sit next to a girl who I should become friends with and I got to know my now best friend due to him also failing a year and "following" me to my grade. 

Yay, I had a reason to look forward into the future with my new found friends. 

Now I think this girl happened to come into my life at the truly worst time I have ever been trough and pretty much being the only reason I had to live for, spoiler alert, i fell for her, badly. 

We never really got that close and and she got into a relationship, time to swallow my feelings, not that I hadn't done this before, and continue the friendship.

Enough of that for now at this point my life at home hadn't really improved, just changed as I was going out everyday for school and not being trapped inside there, on the other hand my fathers and my relationship had worsened so much over the course of the pandemic that there wasn't a single day where I wasn't afraid of him coming home. Not to mention we obviously fought every damn day and I got more and more obscure punishments (like removing my door and treating my room like it's there for everybody and just throwing things around and making fun of me constantly). 

At that point I had turned 16 and wasn't that naive 14 year old anymore that would let all of this happen so at one very imoortant day it happened, I punched him in the face (it probably didn't evem hurt because he is like 200lbs and I'm like 120 and never ever punched someone before), unfortunately his temper took over and he nearly began to choke me and stopped because he had basically thrown me down a few steps down the stairs. 

Me punching him happened one more time (for context both times we argued for like one hour before that I didn't punch him randomly) and at that very day I called my mom to say I'd come over for the night at like 11pm and she didn't even ask any questions as she probably knew what was up and picked me up like 10 minutes of walking away from my fathers house. 

Since then I haven't spoken a word with my dad, and have lived with my mom since before getting my own little apartment with the help of local social helping organizations (don't know how they're called) and living there ever since. At that point my midnight escape was 4 moths ago. 

Pretty good you think, yeah I did too at first. 

Meanwhile the girl I fell for had gotten out of her (im seeing a pattern here) also toxic relationship, leaving her being the saddest and most heartbroken human I've ever seen. We weren't exactly really close friends just good ones so the first weeks of her trying to recover pretty much went by me. 

Just after her asking me for my snapchat which I then installed just for her, my feelings started to resurface faster than I would have wanted. 

Obviously so close after her breakup she wasn't ready for a new one and I would never push someone into anything they wouldn't want (not to mention I'd never have a chance). So I just waited patiently and just put effort in building the friendship. After all I swallowed my feelings for months why not do it again. 

Due to some events on which I spent several days on very limited space with her and a situation where we both were drunk and I laid my head onto her shoulder (nothing I didn't have done before, she also laid her head on my shoulder a few times) which caused her to say "I'm sorry I don't want to cuddle at the moment" which caught me completely off guard but I obviuosly respected it, I just got completely overwhelmed with my feelings and had a complete mental breakdown and if it hadn't been for my best friend who was also there I probably wouldn't be alive today. 

Fast forward a few weeks and I talked it out with her and surprise surprise she has no feelings for me. 
(although she said she wants too keep me as a friend and at some point actually thought she felt something for me) yeah, I just wanna end things now even more. The very reason that saved me from depression is the reason I got depressed evem more now. fml honestly