I got diagnosed nearly 2 years ago. Since then I've seen 2 different psychiatrists who've made me try different meds, none of which have made a difference. I've been assured again and again that they've sent referrals for therapy (not DBT though, it's not common in my city if it exists at all, so it most likely will be a waste of time even if it happens. I'm familiar with CBT -- familiar enough to know being told shit like "You feel bad? Well... have you tried...not feeling bad? ; O" won't work). Waiting lists to get on waiting lists to be referred to someone else for a waiting list. I cracked once and paid for a private therapist who specialises in borderline (I'm on disability and don't have the money for it, but I was desperate) and even that didn't go very far. She told me I should wait on my psychiatrist's referrals to therapy and try those before coming back to her. Wow, thanks. 

I'm frustrated. I feel so isolated with this condition. I don't know a single person in real life with BPD. I know they must be out there but... well, where I live there's groups people can go to for autism, depression, even something as relatively niche as OCD...but borderline seems to be completely ignored. There's nothing. I've tried regular counselling and it's pointless because I need something tailored to my own specific issues not just the overly-general fridge-magnet style "life advice" they can give. This community helps to feel less alone but it hurts sometimes knowing there's clearly others out there with my issues that I'll never meet. I just want to sit down with one person or a group and openly discuss my own issues with them. That might sound selfish but fuck I've been waiting for so long. Before I got diagnosed all I really knew was "something is wrong with me, but I don't know what it is". I saw a psychiatrist for 6 months before she diagnosed me with this condition which more or less feels like "we don't really know what's wrong with you either, but we've got to put on a name on it because that's our job so uhh here you go k thnx bye discharged". I was (maybe stupidly) very open to that p-doc that I've have suicidal thoughts since I was like 12 years old. Diagnosed at 24. Her advice? "Well... you could try getting older? People with BPD tend to cope with it better as they age. It might get better when you're around 40." LOL for real??? People with BPD also have a tendency to NOT FUCKING MAKE IT TO THAT AGE. How is it even ethical to tell a fucking suicidal patient to "jus try waiting and getting older, it mite get better" i mean come on... really...  

Idk... I apologise for my pointless rant but no one else listens... because there's no one but communities like this who Get It... I've never met a borderline (that I know of) in real life. I wish I could. I wish there was someone who really understood this condition and was willing to talk to me. The internet can only do so much. To make matters worse (I don't mean to offend anyone here, sorry if so) I'm male -- and with BPD being viewed by the average joe (ignorantly) as basically a condition exclusive to women I feel even more marginalised and alone with it. 

I have a good relationship that keeps me somewhat stable... she understands my issues and she sympathises with the lack of support I have IRL but there's only so much she can do as well... and to be honest sometimes I feel this gnawing tension with that too because I still have strong urges to self-harm sometimes -- only twice recently, once at Christmas and once last week, which is a big improvement on the last few years -- but if she notices scars or anything it really upsets her so I don't even have that to release this tension. It used to be my way to escape the tension, it used to calm me down, it used to feel lovely but now I can't even do it properly because those feelings have been replaced by guilt and shame and worry that she'll notice. I feel like I'm silently screaming every hour of the day. I take the smallest things too seriously. I left (voluntary, unpaid) work early today because I was feeling sick. My manager assured me it's OK, told me to "take care of myself" and "put myself first" and was very kind and said there's nothing wrong with leaving if I'm feeling sick. So I did. And I know rationally they forgot I was even in the office 10 mins after I left. But even when she was telling me this in such a compassionate way I felt the tension growing and I wanted to go to the bathroom and take a blade to my arm or stomach to feel better about letting everyone in the office down, for being so lazy and such a waste of fucking space that I can't even handle a 4-hour unpaid job... I put everyone's feelings above mine constantly because I would never ever take my frustrations out on another person, it's not in my nature... I've never even raised my voice at anyone before (that I can remember)... I take it all out on myself and it feels good that way. But I can't anymore. I have someone who cares about me now, and I have to consider her feelings when I "hurt" myself (as she describes it -- it's never felt "harmful" to me...) which is both lovely and stifling at the same time.

I just wish there was someone to talk to who understands. Sometimes I call helplines but often I don't have the courage to speak for more than a minute. Or it feels pointless and I feel stupid for even calling and apologise and end the call. I was so close to being hospitalised last year and I'm on such a downward spiral at the moment I can see that being a possibility again even though I don't want it to be sometimes I do wonder if it's the only way anyone will ever take me seriously or at least talk to me immediately without a 6 month waiting list attached. But I'd feel like such a failure. I don't know. I don't really know where to go from here. All I can do is wait and hope I get a letter saying some therapist or whoever finally wants to speak to me but it's hard to accept that as the only option day-to-day because it doesn't help me NOW when I need it the most, and the meds (mood stabilisers) should be doing that but they just make me feel like shit and sleep too much which only reinforces how much of a lazy pointless fucking worthless waste of human DNA I am.

I just feel so alone with it all...

[breathes out]

&gt;&gt;pointless reddit post written by no one, thanks for reading&lt;&lt;