I've had a challenging few months behind. I started university this September and i dropped out this week. I failed 3 exams and it was not a great match for me anyways. I had no interest in the course whatsoever.
I have told it to my best friend who is the most supportive, kind and amazing person I know I don't even know how I deserve here. I told my brother who supported the idea of dropping out if I don't like it, he did that himself 2 years ago and now loves what he studies. And my mother who was not really happy but I'd rather say neutral about it. And I haven't told my father yet. 
He's the most difficult one. When I was 8 yo or so I stopped taking piano lessons because it no longer fit into my schedule. He was madly disappointed, and kinda angry. (Also I don't know if it is connected to it or not, but I remember once I didn't want to go to tennis training and he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me out to the car and drove me to the training. I don't know why but I remember to this more vividly than most of the things from that time. Btw he's not a bad parent, probably everyone had something like this in their childhood. He also took me to horse riding trainings for over a decade.) So to be honest my mother kinda told him that probably I will not finish this year, but I haven't told him that I already did. I just pretend everything is normal ,and I'm afraid of telling him. Also I sometimes feel like he wants to make his dreams come true through my life and me, this is why he pushed me to take piano lessons even though I was not interested in it at all, and also tennis, which I actually love, at the moment that's the only thing that can distract me and kinda makes me happy because I don't have to deal with my problems and life.
And my mother has been asking me what I want to do with my life and I told her what I want to study and since than she has been getting "information", which is usually that it is really hard and she means that I won't be able to make it etc. I studied Artificial Intelligence this year and I want to switch to engineering, to be honest the university wasn't good eather. I wanted to study Engineering in September last year, i don't even remember why I chose this. And this whole ai program wasn't what I expected it to be and was poorly executed. 

It's not connected to the university problem at all but I have that sense lately that my family is a little dysfunctional. I don't say I don't love my parents, I do in my own ways. Because I don't really know what love feels like.
I start with my mental health journey :September 2016. It all started with an eating disorder, i had Anorexia. All my childhood I was told that I can only be beautiful if I was skinny.  I was on the chubbier side since I was little, I never was bullied or picked on by other kinds, only by my parents. They always said "don't eat that much" or "why do you eat so much" things like that. I don't remember if they ever told me that I was beautiful or pretty. They watched how much I ate. And when I was at my best friend's house her parents never did anything like that and it felt so weird.  So my eating disorder started to get out of hand in February 2017. At the and of summer i was around 43 kg (170cm) and people always started at me. My mother took me to a dietitian and she told me that I was pretty close to death like around 4 kg and that 2 girls from my age group just died. So that scared the shit out of me, then the other doctors did not have pleasant information about my health eather and they told me all the consequences I could face. So I was on to gain weight, but not too much but still.. How a sick mind works. Few months passed gained a few kgs but my health didn't improve, so I was put on a diet. And I gained weight and I was going to the gym every day for at least 1-1,5 hours so I gained quite a bit of muscle too. Then my parents started to say things about my appearance like I gained too much weight, my thighs and butt got too thick, etc. All the things that you should not say to someone with an eating disorder. They preferred me sticks and bones, knowing I was miserable. Because of those comments my tiny little confidence that my best friend put in me through many months just disappeared. And this lead to my depression. I was always sad, did not enjoy anything. My mother took me to a psychiatrist who said I suffered sever depression and offered to put me under treatment (medicine and psychological centrum). My mother said no, and then after we left she said that I don't have sever depression, mild at max. So she basically questioned a doctor. After that I started going to a psychologist who my mother found, but I didn't like her, I could not open up to her at all. And I told that to my mother, she said ok then try or not go that's it. I still went to the appointments but I lied or gave answers like idk, I'm fine etc. I just couldn't trust her. In the summer 2019 i stopped going. During the family vacation, I could not sleep, and one day I hit rock bottom. I was in bed all day, didn't want to drink or eat, just listened to music. Something changed that day I was happier from then. I don't know what happend but since then gradually but my mental health impoved..well until this year. The first 1-2 months of university was fine I got really good grades because it was mostly mathematics. I had a course which was intro to ai and it was kinda boring for me. I knew that something was off, that I probably won't like it, but because I tried to talk myself into it, mostly because I'm hella stubborn and I don't take failure well (in school I was one of the best students, it defined who I was but if I fail to me that means I'm stupid and I lost my purpose). But the it went down hills, oh boy. I lost all the interest in it, i still studied but I didn't care about it at all. And in November I had a mental breakdown and then another one, and suddenly it became a regular thing. I don't know why I live anymore, i feel like a failure, a disappointment, like nothing. I don't have a purpose, and I should not be here. I just want to die. Today I cut for the first time in 3 years. And then my mother comes into my room and says "I don't know why I care for a child like that". I cut after that. I really want to run away, just get away from here. 
When I chose the university, I wanted to go to a other country so I would not have to visit my parents very often. I know it might sound disgraceful but I don't think I will ever be close with my parents. I never really was. I never tell them anything. At home I can only talk about tennis because this is a peaceful topic. 
I don't really share most of the things with my friends either, because I don't want to be a burden to anyone. And I don't have many friends, I have 3 friends. One of them is studying in another country, and she has to study a lot so I don't want to bother her with my problems. And my other friend has her own demons, she has mental health issues too, and the 3rd person is her boyfriend and he has his own problems too. And anyways I always dealt with stuff by myself. I don't know how to ask for help, I never learned, because like I said I dealt with it by myself. It is probably because my brother always had something and he wanted to be in the center of the attention and I was not on the side. And because of my way of dealing with my problems is basically pushed me into depression, I know it's not affecting but I don't know any other way. To be honest I don't know when I told someone how I actually feel. I went to therapy but I lied my ass off, like I always do. I learned to lie perfectly, but I realized that it has consequences. I don't know what the reality is. I live in a world that I created. And sometimes reality hits me and hits me hard, ao I create a stronger imaginary world and it goes on and on. I lost my sense of reality and I don't know who I really am. And I think sometimes I lie to myself and alter the real so I can't get hurt.
And also I don't really have feelings or I might have but I don't think my "feelings" are the way they should be. I don't really feel happy it's more like distracted from life. I don't actually feel sad I just cry, the tears just come out of my eyes ans that's it. I can get angry but not like mad and mostly at myself. I have a "k"  or "it is what it is" apróra to life 

My brother is kinda ok, but I think he might have OCD or something because he always needs reassurance from everyone an has to tell everything at least 2 times which is very annoying, and has other things too.

Besides that, for me it takes time to get comfortable around people but if I get I will ride or die with you. The sad truth is that it got really hard for me to let people close to me. I got stabbed in the back many times by people I loved and trusted that it is hard for me to let people close. I push people away before they could get close. And the people who I consider my (best) friends usually only get a performance from me. My best friend lives in an other country so it's easier.