TW - suicidal ideation, FP 

I love my boyfriend so much. But he doesn't love me the same way I love him. He can be quite distant and busy, which I understand. 

He never really does any kind of thoughtful gestures, he's never even bought me dinner. He just seems so disinterested in me sometimes. 

 I try not to focus on it, but it's so hard. I spend most of my time obsessing over him. I literally go thru horrible scenarios in my head everyday, of him leaving me and abandoning me to be on his own. Its like I put myself thru fucking trauma everyday. The littlest comment from him can sometimes trigger me, I'll take it completely the wrong way and then BLAM intrusive thoughts of suicide and self harm invade and I come to the conclusion that if he was to leave me, I would no doubt, have to kill myself. 
I just need to vent. My head can be so fucking crazy sometimes. 
Thanks for listening.