I genuinely hate my need for human interaction because it’s just so exhausting for me to be around other people. I hate having friends and being around them because I’m constantly reading into everything just waiting for them to hurt me or abandon me and eventually they always do. I just hate it. I’m to the point where I don’t even want to try and make new friends or keep the very few I have because I know I’m exhausting to be around, and being around other people is exhausting for me. 
Sometimes I do just give up being around people and just isolate myself, but I always end up getting so lonely and sad to the point that I start reaching out to toxic people I’ve cut out of my life only to get hurt again and start the cycle over. 
My “best friend” and roommate is one of them. I thought we were fine and things were okay but then I found out she was saying really hurtful things about me. She would ask me to hangout and then go around telling everyone that I was forcing her to hangout with me and that she can’t stand to be around me because I’m so awful, and she’d ask me if I wanted something of hers like a glass of wine or she’d make food and ask if I wanted some but then tell everyone that I took it without asking and steal from her. I don’t get why. Like what did I do to make someone dislike me so much and why does this keep happening to me? And why do I have such low self-respect and self-love to hang around people who treat me so badly? 
I know this was all over the place and kinda long. I just am really hurt over the whole thing and life in general, and just needed to get this out.