I know it's not a lot but I gained five pounds. Im four foot 11 and I weigh 99 pounds now. My dad has always put a lot of semi subtle pressure on me to be very thin. I used to pretend I wasn't bothered by it and that it had no power over me, but it does. I feel so bad about myself. I don't know if it's real or in my head but I swear I can see the extra weight in my stomach. I know I'm not fat, heck I can count my own ribs if I breath in. I can see my pelvic bones. But my brain won't stop telling me that I am so disgusting. 

For a while I was at 90 pounds and although I knew being that light could mess with my medication (I had to stop taking one because it didn't come in a small enough dose) I secretly felt very good about it. Then I gained a little but I didn't worry because although it made me sad I knew I needed it to keep from falling under weight. It wasn't that bad, I was used to being 94 pounds. But this, this has really shaken me up. I need to lose the weight. I know it's probably not the healthy thing to do but I just need it gone now. 

I'm so hungry just because I know I can't go eat the food I want. I'm desperately craving anything I love even though I just had them yesterday. I'm very tempted to start skipping meals again (I KNOW this is bad if you're reading please don't do it. I know I shouldn't be) but I usually only do that when my anxiety-like whatever it is gets so extreme that it kills my appetite for a week. I have a hard time getting away with it in the first place my mom watches me like a hawk to keep me eating. 

I suspect my therapist told her I've had fantasies about starving myself to death to spite my father. Or my grandmother told her she's worried because I won't eat at her house. (There's other reasons. I love my gram but hate her kitchen.) 

I don't know what I'm asking for, just some reassurance maybe? I just feel so hungry even after eating dinner. I don't even think it's because I am hungry I think my brain just wants to know I can still eat good things. But I feel like absolute shit after having anything.