It's 10:34 at night and I'm in a hotel just laying here thinking about everything I did wrong and all the things wrong with me. I'm traveling back home after needing to immediately leave the studio we once shared before I give in to all this self hate.

 I started hearing voices from lack of sleep and not eating after a breakup with the person I seen my whole future with and loved with all my being. We both had our issues and mistakes but right now all I can think about is the things I did wrong. I never imagined us breaking up but now I see why we did. I drove her away because I couldn't control my emotions and mental health. I contributed to her already bad mental health and it spiraled. I'm glad she's getting the help she needs right now and can be the best version of herself too someday. 

I hate how I treated her due to my own insecurities and un dealt with trauma. She tried her best to reassure me and be there for me. She did way more than anyone else has to help me through them, but the thing is only therapy and medicine will begin to help me. I've let all my mental illnesses go untreated for all my life and never have dealt with my abandonment and self-image issues. Sure I've been healthy to an extent by myself but once another person is there for me I obsess and fear rejection/abandonment. I've never been actually healthy because I've been in too many relationships instead of taking the actual time to build myself up so high that I'm actually better, better for myself and another person. 

My head has been going to really dark places with realizing how at fault I really am because I have went so long with just putting all of it off that I'm at a serious breaking point. This is the biggest wakeup call I have ever had to my behavior especially when it comes to relationships and realizing a person doesn't fix me. Only I can fix myself and I know staying out of any sort of relationship besides friendships is what I need to do, plus therapy, medicine, and taking care of my body and mind. 

This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and I'm trying so hard to hang on until I get back home. Once home I can get checked in to a facility and just full force my issues and breakdown to eventually rebuild myself up to the absolute best and healthiest version of myself I have ever been. 

I will grow from this and finally be who I aways wanted to be. Just me. The me without the insecurities, the selfishness, the clingy, the paranoia, the self sabotaging behaviors, the constant overanalyzing, and the constant need to be validated. 

That's the only thing keeping me hanging on is realizing I can get better with treatment (been doing a lot of reading). I've been diagnosed with bi polar but I'm about positive it might be bpd instead or both. Bpd can go away with treatment and therapy, and bi polar with stable medication. I can't believe I have delusioned myself into thinking I can cure it without any of that (vitamins and neurotropics lol). All my emotions are so strong that they hurt me immensely and I don't know how to control them. I still want to feel intense emotions but in a healthy way. I know treatment will do this. 

Thanks for listening. Also seen 3 dead bodies from a car wreck today and made me really realize how short this life is and how the best time to work on yourself is the present no matter how hard it is. Also really traumatized from it and wish I wouldn't have looked cause it keeps flashing in my head and I kept thinking those 3 people in the car didn't know they were gonna die today.