It keeps making me test people all the time. Sometimes I think my boyfriend no longer likes to spend time with me (although he's going through a lot: family, work, his own depression, etc., so I try not to act stupidly and I act understanding, although I miss him so much). He told me that he has many reasons to stay with me, but also reasons not to (it was a conversation we had about continuing the relationship or not), since I accuse him and sometimes I'm not understanding (when I get paranoid and freak out). However, I always ask him for his reasons for staying with me, although I know it's annoying. Sometimes I ask close friends if they like my company too, because I feel like I'm not that cool (and maybe I'm not). I know I'm exhausting.

It's just that I have a HUGE fear of wasting time with false people and insecure feelings. I want to be important, I want people to love me, and I want all of this to be true and genuine... I don't even want to imagine being betrayed, because I know that all the time and affection that I have given will be wasted and that would destroy me for good. And this horrible fear is affecting everyone around me, because I always test, I accuse, I want to know if they still feel the same way as before when it comes to me. And once all of that happens, it's over. 

I just want to live with genuine people who will never betray my trust. I just want to know everything, and I know that this is not fair or healthy in practice. But I can't stop... Just the thought of someone making a fool of me makes me so angry. But I also feel that alone I am not me. I don't know who I am. 

That just sucks. I wanted to have a healthy mind and stop ruining my relationships and myself.