CW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

Do you know that tiktok trend where people are like "when I'm talking bad about myself and then I realise I'm talking about her" and then show a picture of them as a small child?

Well, while that trend is totally wholesome, I don't feel that way. I hate the me ten years ago the same way I hate me today. I don't remember me 15 years ago (I'd be 5 then) so I can't really say I hate her but like she was already a year in to the trauma that (butterfly effect) caused my bpd. Or maybe just directly, I'm not sure, so many traumas to pick from, lol.

And the trend that's like "little me would be so proud" no the fuck she wouldn't, lmao. She would be so disappointed, I can imagine younger me being totally grossed out by me now. 

Is that a bpd thing tho, not liking yourself, ever? I remember being 8/9 at my bday party at a bowling alley thinking, "huh, I should kms now if I wanna die happy" I hated myself back then and I really don't feel any different towards little me than I do present me. It's mutual hatred dw. 

Honestly, I feel like I had bpd as far back as then. Getting diagnosed two years ago put a lot of my life into perspective tbh.