At this point, I don't even know if I'm depressed anymore. I just feel this bottomless pit of emptiness deep inside me. I will admit I was somewhat spoiled as a kid. I wanted to get things for “entertainment”. But really, I wanted things so they could fill the void in my heart.

A few days ago, when I was in a mental health facility, I was so lost and unmotivated that I just became angry, started throwing a book, and punching a brown paper bag. Eventually, I tried to choke myself with the sleeves of my clothes. But that just didn't work..

Sometimes I see memes about people not touching grass in a while, but that made me stop and realize that I haven't touched grass in a while.

I feel like my biggest problem is that I have no goals or dreams. I can't remember the last time I had a real goal in life. All that stuff is for the motivated, so it doesn't matter to me. But deep inside, I do want to make changes in my life. It's the combination of apathy, laziness, and having no motivation that makes it difficult.