I’ve had suicidal thoughts plenty of times in the past. I smoked pot and drank almost every day from 2018 until a month ago and I think that helped fuel it. 

Now I’ve been dead clean sober for almost a month and the first 3 weeks. Everything was going great and I was doing 10 hour doordash shifts everyday and making decent money. I had confidence and a sense of calm that I haven’t felt in a long time.

All of a sudden the past 3 days I’ve been mentally exhausted and full of rage. For example, I’m driving 55mph in a 50 and this SUV comes flying up behind me and it took a lot of restraint to not slam as hard as I could on the breaks. I know obviously this is an incredibly stupid thing to do, but when I’m in a depressive rage, the last thing I care about is mine or anybody else’s safety.

I’m not sure what to do at this point and the fact I deliver food for a “living” only makes it worse. I’ve just driven home the past 3 days after working for 2 hours and go to sleep. I know if I keep doing this I’ll have no money.

I know I should talk to a therapist, but I won’t know if they’re a good one until weeks go by. In 2017-18 I had a therapist and I came to find out I was paying him $25 a week to talk in circles about my depression.