Totally flailed last night not hitting the gym. Stayed up til midnight and been up since 4am. Full-on panic mode now (tears, guilt, shame, racing thoughts). Called into work (professional job that I just started in October)... I'm always afraid I'm going to get fired because of attendance. But it's because of the BPD. I'm unionized so I'm thinking I should call my union today and bring up my issues. It's my dream job so you can appreciate the guilt I have not going... and I'm going to get a mortgage on a house today so now I'm like great now I can't get one because I'm going to lose my fucking job because I'm a basket case.

Fuck!!! Fuck fuck. Took 2mg of clonazepam and still didn't stop the racing thoughts and delusions. Titrated to 100mg lamicital this morning. I just want to relax :( 

I'm going back to sleep and then hitting the gym for at least two hours. Only thing I can do, I guess. I hate this illness. I literally can't work full time because my cycling is so rampant and I will get burned out or freak out on someone. I don't know what to do :(