It's been months after my ex with BPD split bad on me.  I immediately blocked her from everything, she left the state after causing some damage.... Anyway I still think about her every day and I'm not interested in ever seeing her again but what we had was amazing.  It hurts thinking that she might have never even loved me even with how intimate we got.  Seems like a retold story after reading a lot of other peoples' experiences; a lot of things seem almost textbook in how she acted, just happened to be just like me, making me feel as if I won the lottery in finding her.  She was weird, crass, unfiltered although rude in public sometimes, artistic and she was incredible.  She also had a sudden and violent temper, throwing her phone several times and turning things around on me out of nowhere, and absolutely suspicious given how many jobs, residences, phone numbers she had over the course of 9 months.  I promised her I would never judge her and I won't.  I promised I would love her and I always will.  I forgive her for the things she's done and I believe it's something she can't control.  I never want to see her again.  I still feel empty, not shattered anymore but broken.  I miss what we had and it hurts worrying about what she might do next, if she's planning to return to throw another punch at me somehow (friend told me it looked like her and my crazy first ex were having fun trying to destroy my life).  I worry a lot about what kind of damage they're doing that I don't know about....   I never heard of BPD before her, but I tried to relate because I have severe depression and anxiety disorder bad enough to tempt me into paranoia and shaking in fear.  I'm not the man she said I am not one day after she was in love with me. 

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TL:DR  My ex terrifies me, but I still love her.  I never want to see her again, but I miss her.  I'm not the bad man she painted me as, but I forgive her.  Any thoughts on if my worry about her coming back to haunt me might be good intuition or just my anxiety?   How do you heal from the best relationship you've ever had being torn away violently?  Did I really connect with her or was it all for nothing...  Any thoughts, opinions, experiences, anything would be appreciated I'm feeling pretty low about it today.