I was molested as a kid by the same people who molested one of my parents who - in their dillusion of family - decided to place me in the presence of these same people.  I don't remember it to this day but there's enough evidence in favor of it that I'm aware of, and I'm frankly happy I don't remember that shit.  I just know it happened, and that's enough.

I found two people in my life romantically to trust with my entirety.  They got addicted to basically every substance ever and we lost our future as a result in the most devastating way you can imagine.  I found someone else who was basically as fucked up as I was and we just couldn't work because of that.  They tried to kill themselves when we broke up and I blame myself for it even though I factually know that probably isn't the case.  I tell myself I'm the final straw that broke the camel's back.

I live among all these people I can make connections with but I'm at odds with it because I fundamentally do not trust anyone as a result of my trauma and lifelong isolation of distrust.  I've felt alone my whole life, and the people I love the most - my family - I blame for putting me in the circumstances to have fucked up my whole life via the people that fucked them up and the resulting damage that fucked me up.  Being used as a tool for sexual pleasure as a child.  

I want to hate.  But I can't.  Because I get the denial of it.  I understand "maybe it was just me".  And the parent who put me in this position is so unbelievably fucked up all I can do is sympathize, so - beyond the obvious culprit - I have nothing to point at but myself.  It's always been on me to be better and I haven't been able to.  

The only times I've reached out I've gotten the cops called on me to 'check on me' or fuckin suicide hotlines posted at me when I just needed an ear.  I needed a real person, with a beating heart.  I hate being treated like a suicidal/homicidal nutcase and I think y'all can understand that.  Even the suicidal ones.  I don't think any of us has originally wanted to die, we've just been lead to the conclusion that that might be our only way out of this torment.  Only I don't think that's the case still.  I want to live.  I just don't know how to sometimes anymore, but I fucking cling onto that shit.