This is depressing so here's your warning but I just need to type and send this somewhere.   


I ruin everything. If there is a way to fuck something up, I will find it and I will do it. I will find a way to take something beautiful and make it hideous. Everyone in my life thinks that I'm so confident and secure in who I am when in actuality, there is not one single thing about me that I like and I'm just great at faking things. After living so much of childhood and early twenties in turbulence and chaos, all I have ever wanted is a simple life. I don't want any glamor or complexity, I just want to be simple and content. I will never have that because I ruin everything. Every bad thing that has ever happened to me has been my own fault and I deserve it. I cause chaos and destruction in every relationship and place I go. I deserve to be hated, alone and have no one. Why would I ever truly believe someone could love me? Why am I so stupid that I would believe someone could love this? Why am I so fucking stupid to think I could have a simple life? I'll always find a way to be unhappy and fuck it up. Not sure why I'm not used to it yet.