

Tw: please don’t read this until you feel completely ready, if you are questioning yourself, leave now, this post is heavy and can harm you and trigger you. 

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A long rant, you don’t have to comment or read, I just wanted to post it online.

Me and my family (me, my sister and my dad), discussed a serious family matter today, and I said something that will need to happen in case we needed to, that we will figure it out, but my sister, as a joke, and I always tell her that it hurt me, said: “don’t you have emotions? how could you think that way?”, I hate when someone says that to me, it triggers me. I have depression I was diagnosed last year, but because of a lot of issues, some of them are money issues, I did not start therapy. 

Yes, indeed, I don’t have feelings like everyone, but if I said something that may be insensitive and I am not aware of, I like people to tell me politely, to make me understand, and then judge my reaction if I was still insensitive, I don’t want jokes or judgments for something that is a big no for me. I talk about how to treat me and they never listen.

I got angry, and I told her I have depression (everyone knows about this), don’t tell me this word, discuss the matter with me without saying this word, and then she hit me with, we are all depressed, you are just selfish, and focusing only on your matter, you don’t care about anyone but yourself, and we all have depression but we have work to do and life to live. 


So why she said this? Because I stopped working last year due to depression, and I have been trying to figure a way to get back to work, but work is one of the reasons why I started having anxiety attacks and made the depression worse, and for your information, we lost our mom and this destroyed us, the whole family, several years ago, and I know they may be depressed too and having a lot of pain, they are emotionally unavailable, they never talk about emotions, yes I know that yes they have mental issues too but I have been suffering for so long and I always blamed them for not noticing my symptoms because there were obvious, and when I told them they did not ask me how they can help. I know they are suffering but they never showed a sign of depression, and no one told me they suspect having depression, so I blame myself now, for not asking like them, but I am also saying, I am suffering for so long, so how could I help them when I can’t even help myself, and this, this way of thinking making me believe her, that I am selfish, and only thinking about myself. Because how can they help me when clearly they need help too?

I also told her something I regret, I told her that I am the youngest (everyone is way older than me and with an age gap), so I told her at least you should make me aware or help me because at least you still see your friends and work and by your age, you should have figured things out.

Usually, I know how to talk to a depressed person because I am a depressed person, so I wouldn’t say what I said, because I know depression have a lot of shapes, but you see, I found myself replying to her toxicity with poison. She invalidated my feelings and suffering, I did not invalidate hers but I told her at least she is still living and I am not living anymore, and this is wrong, but anger got me.


I told her she works and sees her friends because yes she is depressed but she still has the energy to do stuff, and she also could have got help or asked for help years ago, because she at least has the money due to she can work and since she is way older than me, and she could have helped me by just asking what I am doing because she knows I have depression and the doctor told me I need help, but again, she hit me with, we are all fucked up and need help. 

But you see, I realized, I was mistaken too, thinking only I need help, and I should have asked about them too, but at the same time, I am at a point where I stopped working, or living, and I was open about it last year and for a year no one asked if I need help, and the only reason I don’t ask is that they never told me they may have depression too. But then I realized, I have depression, and never in my life, I invalidated anyone's pain or speak poison to them like she is doing to me.


She told me I don’t work because I have a roof and food, and if I did not have them I would work because she has depression (she think she is) and works. I told her I don’t think I would have been alive if I have no place to be, or I would end up in the streets, she told me again, no, you would work, you don’t know this.

She told me she too hates her job and she too does not want to be alive but she work anyway because of us, me and my dad (my dad is retired) because she needs to pay the bills, I told her we have a solution and that she can quit, and I told her she has depression but because of her life, because she did not change her life... I did not care much about her words, I or feelings because I was too angry for her to start a fight and hurt me with her words, I focused on myself only, I am selfish.

And again, that’s wrong, I hated myself saying this because I know how hard depression is, and I did not know she have thoughts about ending her life.

What should I do in this case? I am shaking and in pain now, and I cried and I never cry. That’s how much I am in pain.

I can not tell my friends, this is too heavy for them. So I found myself here. 

So please open my eyes. What I am missing here?

What am I? Be honest. And how can I help someone when I can’t help myself? and why I am angry for her coming after me with the truth I keep thinking about 24/7? Maybe because I heard my depression thoughts loud and clear, they are not lies when someone believes them too.

I may be selfish like she said, I may only see my pain. And I may be giving excuses, I may be manipulative too, here I am asking strangers, to what? to feel better? To gain support and sympathy? 

The only thing that makes me not end my life right now is because I am not capable of harming myself, I tried, I can’t, it is like I saw so much pain from everyone in my life to the point I don’t want to be this person to myself too. Even with all the suicidal thoughts, I am having now, I am doing my best to shut them off.

The only thing I know is when I know someone is suffering, I don’t tell them well, we all are, or that your problem is nothing because I know someone worse and I am worse. How can this make me feel better? 

Again, “me”, you see, I just figured that our whole family may be depressed and I still angry from them, from her, and I blame them for my suffering. 

I am selfish.