Im tired of feeling I hate myself and hate everything and I’m TIRED but I CANT STOP. I can’t. Anything I try to do I split on my partner and then I hate him but I don’t want to hate him so I can’t try to love myself. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. And it’s stopping me from doing anything right and I’m just a waste of money and time and care and I think if I just erase all evidence of my existence maybe, if everyone can forget I exist maybe, maybe. Maybe it will be ok for me to live for myself 

i cry myself to sleep it’s the favorite part of my day and I know once upon a time I was actually happy in my life. I actually thought I was worth something. I actually had some love and care for myself. I just didn’t know it then. I didn’t know how deeply I can hate myself. I am not a good person. I am useless and empty and worthless. I am weak. I can only either love myself or my partner, and I chose him over me. I just wish I could have him without having to deal with losing me. I wish he weren’t in love with me. I don’t know why he is. It would be easier if he didn’t love me. I would be happy just knowing he was living his best life. But I can’t. He’s not ok because I’m not ok. And I’m never ok. I don’t know how to be. He is not living his best life, because he’s with me, and hes not left me yet, and he says he never will, but I can’t believe him because I don’t think I can ever trust him, and i don’t know. It’s not worth it for him, he just doesn’t know it yet, doesn’t know I’m just a disappointment. And I hate him. I hate loving him like I do. I don’t know how to be happy. I feel like the little girl inside me who had so many hopes and dreams and goodness is gone and there’s just me and I’m an imposter. Or I was never real to begin with. I’m empty. I’m a shell. I gave myself a name and wanted to be good and help people but I can’t even help myself. 

Tears burn on dry skin. Skin burns under nails. And I wake up in the morning and it’s almost like it never happened. I’m okay maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m okay.