Hey guys. I'm a 22F based in the North of England. 

I'm absolutely certain I have BPD and slowly developed it throughout my childhood and adolescence. As some of you from the UK may know, while mental health treatment is available from the NHS, waiting times are horrendous and resources are scarce. For this reason, I have been in contact with a private psychiatric facility based outside of Manchester.

I've known something has been wrong with me for a long time. I have been dealing with extreme emotional instability and what I now recognise as 'splitting' for many years. As a result, I have basically burned bridges with everyone in my life who ever cared about me. I have rapid mood swings and experience disproportionately extreme emotions in response to very minor triggers. I feel chronically hopeless, and when I sink into negative thought spirals it is nearly impossible to get myself out of them, even if a conflict or trigger is resolved. 

People have described personal relationships with me as a 'rollercoaster' and feel as if they need to 'babysit' me by providing constant reassurance. This used to upset me so much - but I realise they are indeed correct. My episodes are only becoming worse and more frequent and my outbursts are more sporadic and out of control than ever before. I disassociate intensely and cannot remember the things I say when in one of these episodes. I feel absolute rage. When I come out of an episode, I feel intense guilt and shame for my behaviour and how it impacts those around me. 

It's worth noting that mental illnesses run in my family, and that my fear of abandonment originated from my dad leaving the country when I was three years old. I haven't seen my dad in ten years now. My mum had mental illness as a child and an alcohol addiction. I was nearly put into care due to her driving drunk with me in the car. 

It's also worth noting that I also have bulimia nervosa, which is driven by my impulsive urges. My bulimia is my release. I can purge my emotions. I feel so alone because no one understands what this is like. I feel like I speak a different language to everyone in my life and connecting with others is difficult. I don't want to anymore. I'm tired of hurting others, and disappointing them when I can't be there for them because I'm either too depressed to do anything or too unstable to think clearly. 

As stated earlier, I resonate so much with BPD and have secretly been suspecting it for a long time. Obviously I don't want to self-diagnose, hence why I am seeking a medical diagnosis and treatment. If you are from the UK, what has your experience of treatment been like?