25 F- Just a little rant about how confusing it is for me to navigate my sexuality as someone with BPD , alongside my cultural upbringing whereby sex was heavily taboo. Unlike a lot of BPD's- my main way of coping with feelings of shame/ low self worth has been to  avoid romantic relationships/sex rather than being hypersexual and constantly in relationship to relationship. I guess some of this was influenced by my cultural upbringing whereby women are heavily shamed for being sexual agents, as well as a way to avoid intimacy and vulnerability. 

After 2 years of therapy I decided to start dating and explore sex and wow; the amount of anxiety, confusion and intensity makes me realise why I avoided relationships until now.  I find myself attracted to unavailable men, as soon as they show any interest in me or become available I lose interest. I'm only turned on when kissing men in public places, as soon as were are together in private I tend to disassociate a little and don't feel into it as much. Sex with men is hard to get to, I often feel body conscious and as well feel I need a high level of trust established for me to want them to touch me, a lot of the time I focus on giving them pleasure instead but I have enjoyed the few times that we have had sex. I wonder if all this stuff is  a safety thing (I don't feel safe and so cant enjoy when we are one to one) or a sexuality thing am I gay/ bi? I had one crush on a girl when I round 10/11 but thought nothing of it  and thought it was an identity crush as my later crushes in teens were men and my most intense feelings of romantic/ sexual attraction was when I was 17 to a guy in my class. However it is something that has revisited my mind now and I wonder why I'm finding relationships and intimacy with men so hard. 

 Sigh- its a source of great anxiety for me at the moment. I hate this reverse teen process I'm going through of trying to decipher my sexuality. Its really stressful when your early 20's college days are behind you and you are going through the process of trying to maintain a full time job whilst going through this stressful feeling of not knowing your own identity and questioning everything. Its agony and I'm tired. It makes me regret dating in the first place, dating is now not fun because of all the anxieties/ triggers and abandonment fears I am getting- on top of being confused about my sexuality.  Does anyone relate? I would love to know of anyone on the other-side of all of this