
I had my first attack of intrusive thoughts suddenly one day - out of the blue.

I’d just picked my mother up from the airport (I live 3,500 miles from her) and was walking back to the car, chatting jovially about her flight.

Then it hit me - a HUGE wave of panic that I was going to yell “I hate you. You’re a c**t - get back on that fuc***g plane and never speak to me ever again”. 

I lost any association with the world around me, broke into a sweat and literally blanked out any senses around me. I was trying so hard not to say it.

I had visions of going crazy and being tazed by the airport police. I’d never felt this way before and had NO idea what was happening to me. 

I calmed down and we got to the car. My
Mother had no idea of course what I had just been through right in front of her.

Then, half way home - a second wave hit while I was at the wheel. But we made it home, and she was none the wiser.

Of course, I love my mother dearly and was SO glad she was visiting. What the hell we going on?

Over the next few months I suffered all sorts of intrusive thoughts:

- Feeling I was going to lunge across the table at people during meetings 

- Feeling like I was about to push someone off a treadmill at the gym 

- Holding a glass of wine at a friend’s house and feeling like I was one second away from throwing it over their wall

- Feeling I was going to tell my wife I hated her and that she had destroyed my life 

It seemed I could come up with something awful that I could do in just about ANY situation. 

They were not just thoughts - but almost urges I felt I couldn’t control, accompanied with panic, sweating and complete and utter exhaustion when they subsided. If I had one at 10am I’d literally be ready for bed afterwards.

I finally realized what they were and started therapy. 

I know they are very common but seldom talked about as some intrusive thoughts can be very morally repugnant (worried about making a sexual advance to a family member/minor, stabbing a spouse with a kitchen knife, etc).

Here is what I learned, condensed for your benefit:

1. There is NO relationship between an intrusive thought and desire/intent. If you really were a sadistic murderer who wanted to kill your wife every time you picked up a knife, wouldn’t you just do it?

2. Your intrusive thoughts will often be about the things you care about most in life. They’re so scary because they deliberately go against your innate morals (IE - you’ll have IT’s about breaking your little puppy’s neck, because your puppy is the most important thing in your world). Don’t worry, it’s just a mindfuck and your intrusive thoughts will always be things that deviate so greatly from who you really are. This is what makes them so scary.

3. You’re not going insane or turning into a monster. Everyone has intrusive thoughts to some degree (“Imagine how easily I could just swerve into oncoming traffic”). It’s just your brain and imagination are firing a little more actively than most, right now. It WILL end. 

4. There’s no logic to your intrusive thoughts, and that’s okay. It’s no different to odd, obscure dreams. Don’t read too deeply. 

Here’s what I learned about managing intrusive thoughts:

1. Don’t push the thought from your head. I KNOW part of the panic is trying to scramble to stop the fear by ridding the thought as quickly as possible, but this just reinforces that the thought is “dangerous” (which it isn’t) and your mind will bring it back more often and more aggressively.

2. Instead, “welcome” the thought in. Yes - when you get an intrusive thought, pause and actually explore it. Play the worse case scenario out in your head. Holding onto the thought for an extended period will strip it of its power and ultimately your brain will get bored with it.

3. Tell people about them. They’ll likely laugh and, once again, the thought will be stripped of its power. 

4. Understand the physical response (sweat, loose bowels etc) is just your body’s overactive fight-or-flight repose (you’d have made a great cave person!) and is not in any way related to the content of the thought itself. 

Over time, using the above, they WILL subside. 

Do I still get them? Yes! Just yesterday I was in a shop and the woman was checking out my groceries, when I felt an urge to punch her...

...but I’m no longer scared of them. I know it’s just a dumb image playing out in my head with no actual bearing on reality or my intentions. 

Intrusive thoughts are very scary, but you can and will overcome them. 

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Happy to help.

*Note I am not a therapist and a qualified mental health professional should always be trusted over a random Reddit user!