This is the first time in a while that I've felt this way. I started taking medication two months ago which seemed to be working and helping until now. Now I'm back to this place of panic and terror. Feeling abandoned and alone. 

Of course this was triggered by thoughts of a past relationship. A friend of nearly a decade turned lover, and just as quickly back to friend. I realized I've become a workaholic in order to hide from the way I've been feeling about this recent "abandonment". I haven't allowed myself to slow down or open up to new connections because in the back of my mind I've been hoping that things would rekindle themselves. Work work work as a distraction until then.

Tonight it all came crashing down on me because we have plans tomorrow and I know it's only as friends, even though I want it to be more. I found out 2 days ago that she has been dating another friend and I feel a lot devastated because she is choosing someone else over me. I am tired and emotionally drained and I don't even want to see her, but at the same time I want to see her more than anything else in the world. She's been kind of distant the past couple of months, I assume because of this new person, but suddenly she's showing interest and giving me attention again, which gives me hope. I know I should not have hope but I can't help myself. Constantly setting myself up for disappointment and pain.

I fed her cats while she was out of town last week and I noticed that my toothbrush was still in the cup on her sink. Unless it belongs to this new person. Does she have a whole package of blue tooth brushes that she hands out? It doesn't make any sense to me and I know I'm reading so much into it and it's driving me crazy. 

I want to cancel our plans tomorrow. I want to see her and ask about the toothbrush. I want to never talk to her again. I want to love her more than anything in the world. I want to sell my house and leave this city and all the people in it and never return. I want to ghost my entire life.

Sorry for the word vomit I'm just letting my thoughts out in the hopes that someone will read them and tell me something good. I really need feel good right now.