I was initially going to post in the r/ApplyingToCollege subreddit about all of this, but I was worried that it would get taken the wrong way or even just dismissed as "normal" (which it very well could be) but I am wondering if anybody with BPD or significant traits of BPD struggled/is currently struggling with finding a topic to write their college essay about.

**The first 4/5 paragraphs are for context/background into my struggles with this, if anyone is interested, but if you just want the college essay identity bit, I'll bold the paragraph where it starts**. For someone who doesn't know what to write my college essay about, I definitely wrote a *fuck ton* about it LOLLL.

I am a rising senior and I am planning on going to college. I really don't have any specific college in mind and definitely don't have even the slightest idea of a major or what I plan to do post-secondary. I know there are other options outside of college, but regardless of what anyone might try to persuade me on, I don't really see myself being able to live comfortably without a college education. I would go into the specifics, but lets just say I don't have the personal accountability, drive, motivation, or integrity to pursue a career where I have to build it up myself. So college is currently my best option, and not just for any potential career path, but also as a way to change my life as a whole. I need a college experience in order to grow as a person, away from my family and friends whom I've known my whole life. Again, I won't go into the crazy details, but college is the only option I have in order to rid myself of the mundane "going through the motions" life I have lived for 17 years now.

I'm sure that this is the root of my problem, the whole not knowing what I actually want to do with my life thing. It seems like the only thing I have ever really known about myself is that I want to experience college. I recognize that this is absolutely a huge factor into why I'm struggling so much with writing my essays. So before anyone might say it, I understand that the logical way to go about this issue is to experiment and research things that *might* intrigue me. 

Except, I have done that. I've basically researched every major, minor, career path, hobby, everything, and nothing is really connecting with me. I have spent basically my entire life (genuinely since 5th grade) trying to think of what job is "meant for me". The only fields I have been even *slightly* interested in are architecture and fashion marketing/merchandising. Interestingly though, the more research I did on those subjects, the less drawn to them I was. Architecture is a dying field with extremely competitive positions and lengthy and exhausting education/training, and fashion is not exactly dying, but its certainly competitive and requires a unique personality and drive that I don't have. 

It's not exactly the hard work that puts me back, it's the fact that I don't even feel any passion for any field enough to actually resonate with it, if that makes sense. I mean, yeah, I like clothes, but it's nothing jaw-dropping. I shop at the same stores that every 17-year-old girl does and often go to Pinterest to find ideas on what my "style" is (which is another identity crisis as a whole, I won't get into it lol). Same with architecture. I may be fascinated with certain building styles and structures, but I haven't done any work to further my own architectural tastes/style. I don't even know if I want to invest time into furthering these "interests" either, because it doesn't feel right for me. But nothing feels "right" for me, so I'm at a standstill.

**This kind of drifted into a rant on how I don't know what I want to do with my life, something that isn't exclusive to those who struggle with BPD or traits of BPD, but I find that it's pretty severely impacting my ability to write a college essay.**

I don't have a strong self identity, as do many 17 year olds lol, but it just feels *all consuming*. As many pwBPD probably also relate to; it's like I am a different person depending on who I am with. I really resonate with the quote “Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.” by Chuck Palahniuk. For a long time I spent my life in ignorance to this fact, then COVID happened and I was forced to be completely alone for an extended amount of time. Nobody was around me to guide who I should be. Though restrictions lifted a while ago, I still spend most of my time isolated, and no progress has been made during this time about who I actually am. I really only have my FP and a couple other friends who I wouldn't consider close at all. I don't hang out with people and I don't speak to them online. I also don't talk to my family. So for the past 2.5 years, I have been living day by day without a clear picture of who I am.

I dance, but mostly just because I have my whole life, so I feel obligated to continue. It's not burdensome to me or anything, but I'm not passionate about it. I don't know if I actually enjoy learning, or if I just need good grades to validate myself to show that I am capable of doing *something* well. All of my free time is spent scrolling on TikTok or playing the Sims/Animal Crossing to keep myself busy. It's gotten to a point where I am not even sure if I like that I have red nail polish on all the time because its "me" or because it's trendy. I'm not sure of my favorite color or food or anything, because I don't feel authentically connected to anything in my life. To me, it's all just a facade. Like everything surrounding me is just not true to "who I am".

I have tried to change these parts of myself, hoping that something would stick and I would have this "a-hah moment". It never does. 

All of the [common app essay prompts](https://www.commonapp.org/blog/2022-2023-common-app-essay-prompts) are very intellectual and about things that have "changed my life or my way of thinking". But I seriously cannot think of anything that has actually changed "who I am". Yeah I have trauma that's definitely impacted "who I am", but it's mostly just impacted my mental illnesses, which to the average person and especially a college admissions officer, is not someone's core identity. If I strip back any mental health struggles, I'm not sure who I am. It's like somewhere along the line I just morphed my sense of identity into different DSM-5 diagnostic criterion. That's not what a person is or should be, so I'm just stuck. 

I can't write about my passions or career goals (I don't have any) and I can't write about any core parts of my identity (the best way I can put it is that no matter how hard I try to think about characteristics about myself, it's just an empty void in my head: like when a blind person says they don't see black, they just see nothing... like trying to see through your elbow. Weird analogy but the incapable nature of that situation is how it feels when trying to think about my identity lol) and I don't have any life altering situations that are worthy or unique enough to write an essay about (again, I also don't have closure for any of them).

This was essentially a fucking book, sorry. But I'm just looking for anything right now. Similar expieriences, advice, empathy, fucking *ANYTHING*. I'm a huge procrastinator and if I don't start brainstorming topics now, I probably never will.

TLDR; My BPD and lack of self identity is leaving me hopeless about college essays and the future, as I don't even know who I am and anything I could write about feels ingenuine and not "me" even though I am physically incapable of understanding who "I am".