I'm just sick of everything. Try as I might I can never really be good enough to be socially acceptable. People are turned off by anyone who speaks their mind or displays their intelligence. Everywhere I go there seems to be one person in some sort of group that I take part in (be it work, or family, or therapy) that specifically doesn't like me for whatever reason. I get that we can't all get along, and "you can't please em all" and this type of thing is a normal part of being human but I'm absolutely sick of it because I am not trying to get on ANYONE's bad side. What it all seems to boil down to is that I must have some sort of poison personality that really sets me apart from human beings, in general really.

It seems that a nice weekend with my boyfriend is being tampered with by my not allowing myself to enjoy my time because a therapist in my IOP group is constantly very short with me, in a way she isn't with others, and her courseness and tonality with me is really fucking with me. I am in this group to clean up and learn as much as I can so I can function and not kill myself with drugs and alcohol, therefore letting my close family and friends down. To feel rejection there is devastating to me. I am legitimately hanging on by a thread in these trying times and to face added rejection is very harsh to me.

And I get it, I get it... "Oh this is just your bpd PERCEIVED rejection, you are making this all up in your head" and yeah, valid point. But why don't I get those vibes from anyone else in that IOP setting (therapists, doctors, and fellow outpatients as well)?

To sit there and preach to someone that they need to stop their harmful negative thought processes, instead focusing on caring about themselves, and then to cut them short and have a rude attitude to that person IS A MINDFUCK and it makes me just want to quit the IOP. What sucks is that today was the first day in my whole time there that I really felt comfortable to open up with the group and I thought things were actually going ok. This therapists shortness with me was really just a big reminder that I should not ever let myself begin to think that I could ever fit in anywhere, or fit in with the human race at all.

I am ruining my time with my boyfriend and cannot stop repetitive and constant thoughts of self hatred and wishing I was dead. I am only alive because I possess enough empathy to know the spiritual consequence of killing myself and damaging the people who care about me in my life. I am not happy being alive. 

My weekend is fucking ruined and it's not anyone's fault but my own. There is a reason why people don't like me, you don't just dislike people, or act rude to them specifically, if there wasn't a reason to. I'm a fucking poison person. I can't relate to anyone. I don't even feel like I'm from this fucking planet. I am feeling so much hurt and pain right now in the deepest of my gut, that anything would be preferable to feeling this. I'm choosing not to drink tonight but I barely want to be alive.

Even this post is some sad woe is me story, where I exemplify how selfish I am to sit and feel sorry for myself. I get it, I am nothing. Ive always known this.