I’m gay and I was with my boyfriend for 4 months and I have to say, those were the best months I’ve had. You know, I never had to ask for something. He gave it to me. He was the perfect match. But I suffer from depression and I ran away from it since 5 years. Stuff like me leaving the dinning room while my parents and my ex were still there and going to bed because I felt bad and worthless. Stuff like falling asleep at his best friends couch because I had a rough childhood and I got reminded of stories my bf and his best friend exchanged. Stuff like that makes me feel bad and I just want to get out of sight. I told him about my problems and I want to face and eradicate them. He was always so supportive. I fully trusted him and I still love him

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But then he told me that he has to rethink and we should meet up at Wednesday. The day came and he said that he won’t see a future with us. He told me that I need to start developing my own life and start living. I know that he is right and I said to him that I want to change it. For him, for us. Because it makes me happy as well and will make us strong. But he said, he don’t think that I can fully bloom and become what I should become. I should start making something out of my life and start loving myself. I bursted out in tears, telling him how much I love him and I will miss him. We cried together for 2h on his couch, cuddling, kissing and he said multiple times it’s okay and I’m sorry. He said we met at the wrong time in our lives and we have to look forward. He said you will always have a special place in my heart but I cant be happy as long as you cling yourself onto my life. So we said goodbye with a last kiss and I couldn’t convince him to stay and support me through my developing time.

Since then no contact and I’m not planning to. But it just fucks me because I have no reason to hate him. Im just devastated ...

How all of this happened:

Our plan on new eve was it to celebrate the new year at the apartment of my ex step-dad.  
My mom and her friend went to his apartment and one day after my boyfriend and I went to their place as well. But after Christmas I felt those shitty depressions again and kinda went silent on chat. I didn’t ghosted him but I was just different. I said to him via chat that I feel very very bad and im scared. He wanted to talk with me in person and I agreed. When he picked me up so we can drive to my mom and her friend, I fallen asleep during the 1h car drive. But his intention was it to talk with me about my silent behaviour and my depression.

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We arrived and I was very tired and emotionless and I kinda ignored everyone. I felt bad and just wanted to be alone. Usually my boyfriend reached out to me. I have to admit I was happy when he did but this time around he didn’t So I was even more depressed and continued the cycle. He didn’t talk with me and I didn’t talk with him either the whole night till new year Upon I closed myself into the bathroom and started crying

When new year arrived, he celebrated to me but I ignored him because I was just done with everything. In that moment my step dad spoke to me and said that my behaviour is shitty. I said don’t interfere into my life and the situation gained heat. My step father attacked me, pushed me of the chair, choked me and I did absolutely nothing against it. I was not scared or shocked. I was just done with the world. My mom and my boyfriend interrupted the attack and I just wanted to leave the room. My BF hold me back and then I turned around, pushed him aside and told him: why do you even care? I was like air to you the whole day. I ran into the guest room and started crying. I felt guilty, sad and I lost all my hope. After a while my mother told me that my bf wants to talk with me. I said I want to talk with him as well and so he went into the guest room to talk with me. I was expecting him to break up with me but he hugged me and said I’m sorry. We talked about a lot and went happily to bed. My step dad didn’t apologised for his behaviour and I couldn’t do it either because he avoided me. My bf and I left, my mother stayed but went home after as well because he broke up with her because of me and then my bf said we need to rethink about everything. Then I slept over at my ex place and he made sure I'm alright. He said however that we need to rethink about everything and he needs some time. In that moment I probably knew what was going to happen and I cant blame him.

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Since then I feel like shit. I wish I could have changed something about me earlier. Its my fault and I need to seek for a therapist but the love of my life will never ever come back into my life again. Im drained, sad, sobbing each day and trying to get over it but its hard.   


Now I stumbled upon BPD and everything fits. I speak to a therapist next monday and then I will see what the diagnosis will tell about me.   


Maybe my ex will reach out to me eventually one day and I hope Im stronger than ever. I just love him so much but my behaivour caused him to leave...

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Im sorry ...