I read something that really upset me.  I read that “those who die working to obtain happiness in this world (and don’t obtain it)  go through tremendous hardship and feelings of loss immediately after death”.  This is extremely upsetting.  I thought that I would gain recognition for trying with the right intention.  Why would that happen, to a person like me, who has done nothing their whole lives but try, and who understands that their happiness is not just about them, but for the sake of all sentient beings.  A person who has taken on the suffering of so many others.  This is one of the main practices in Buddhism.  It is called Tong Len.  It is supposed to bring happiness to the one who practices it.  How can this be?
	
All I do is think about how I am doomed, and still, I try so hard to reach enlightenment.  All day I think about how my looks were stolen from me.  This was a gift I was given.  I spent so much effort and a lot of money trying to take care of my skin, all for nothing.  I have no confidence in how I look, and I still need to find someone to be with.  My face feels shrunken and hidden.  My looks  got me attention, (because that’s how things work) that I haven’t been able to get for any of the things that I do because the depression won’t let me.
I am forced to take drugs that deplete me (and destroy my skin) even though I’ve tried so hard to find alternatives.  Nothing works.
It is my destiny to overcome this, for my family and my family before me.  I can’t do it.  This is why whatever her name was, said she couldn’t help me.  I couldn’t have children and I am the last of my line.  It is devastating.  My mother is devastated, and I can’t bear it.  I …… my babies (I can’t even say it) because there was no way I could take care of them and there was no way I could attach myself to the man who would be their father.  I didn’t even consider having them for one moment.  Right after one of the…….I went right over to Alan’s and had sex with him.  I don’t even remember the date of the first (or was it the second).  The other one happened on New Years Day, though I can’t remember which year.  I feel I will never get over grieving for them, though I pray that I do.  This is what the Nazis wanted.  They have won.
And still I try, and I won’t stop trying…..to reach enlightenment.

I would love to receive comments about this &lt;3