So, this saturday i met up with an old friend of mine (lets call him B )who i used to go out with for a month/two around this period last year(only sexual thing between us was kissing).
I  left him for my ex-favoritie person whom i “dated”around 5-6 months (he was actually just using me for sex but whatever) and since he was my first everything, he left me with sort of a funny feeling about sex. Anyway, so B was at my house and everything is alright, we’re drinking and I got really tired so we head to bed. We were listening to music, talking and you know.... things started happening and we ended up having sex, per se. This was my first time having sex that wasnt with my ex and it was really weird. It felt good in a way but I felt really disgusting and weird and he was nice and I was just lying there, unmovable. Few minutes after he put it in, I say that I cant go on and we stop. Then i break down and cry. Now when I look back on it, I think I did it to see where I stand with sex but also as a form of self harm :( and that’s really fucked up. ( also was feeling really lonely since i havent kissed in 4/5 months and sex just came by idk). But trouble comes next morning. There’s a guy I’m really close with (let’s call him F) and we go to the same class.  He’s my best friend . Like with many people, I often “mix boundaries “with him, in a sense that I sometimes feel like he’s my best friend, sometimes like he’s my lover(even tho we haven’t done anything sexual, ever) , etc. He knows that I have BPD and he’s really understanding, he’s the “best best friend ever. He always listens to me and tries to help and we’ve got such amazing communication, both verbal and non verbal. He also understands me mixing emotions and boundaries and he’s cool with it, in a way, bc he knows I do it with others too, sometimes. He knows I cant help it most of the times . Our relationship, as wonderful as it is, is actually complex to a level. Sometimes (most of the time actually) it feels as if we’re emotionally and/or  psychologically dating . It’s been pretty strong and confusing the past month, but we didn’t comment it, we just went with the flow. Now, I know that his feelings towards me are not completely friend based , just like mine aren’t either, but we came to a mutual agreement that it’s better not do do anything since we’re in the same class, same friend group, and probably because we couldn’t live without each other.  He’s also shy about his feelings I think, doesn’t want to admit them(neither do I) and I think he has some weird “looks” on sex as well.  Also he said that if we were in a physical relationship, that he’d feel weird about me being older than him by year and half (that was before, so maybe he changed his views on it). And I understand and respect it.  4 months ago, I told him i like him ( it was BPD acting up, and he knew it) and he politely tuned me down, using the arguments above. But we only got closer since then, it wasn’t weird. Now, here’s the real issue, The day after I had sex with  B, I texted F because I felt horrible about it. In the evening I told him that I had done something pretty dumb and horrible, in a way  guiltily towards him and he said that it’s okay, that I can tell him whatever it may be, /that nothing will happen /(!!!)  and so I told him, not a lot, just that I had sex and that it was pretty bad. Then nothing . No response . First he ignored my message for an hour and after i double texted something like “hey??? “ he left me on read. I went to bed thinking that he wasn’t in the mood. Now i realize that maybe I should have called him but I couldn’t bring myself to actually verbally say that I had sex.  Next morning (Today) , still nothing. I get really pissed off and text him something like “wow i can’t believe you’re really doing this, F. Seriously? Whatever man.” and yeah I kinda overrated with that texts I admit it. Anyway, we had school today and i saw him and it was just, horrible. He ignored me the whole day, refused to look at me ( except when we mentioned jealousy during psychology class and something about a story being so simple but so horrible, that was when we looked at each other and it was full of pain and anger and agony) talk to me, he avoided me during breaks, purposely talked to everyone but me and it felt so horrible. First I was angry (still kinda am) but then I felt so, so sad. It was disgusting , uncomfortable and I never wanna go though another day like this. I love him so much, i don’t know what to do. I talked to a few of my close friends about this and they all told me that he’s overreacting , that he has no right to be angry, specially bc he knows about my illness , that i should just let it go but I can’t.  In a way, they’re right , because he never told me that he likes me and when i liked him he was seeing someone at the time but I always approached it from “we’re best friends point of view” and tried not to mix my personal feelings. He also went on a few dates in the past month, hell he was hitting on a girl that same Saturday , but I’m the bad guy?? This is too much even though we are not in a relationship? If he feels stronger about me he should have said it, not let it play out like this. Anyway , i’m really upset about it and I don’t know what to do. I was thinking of giving him another day of space (tomorrow, that’s tuesday ) and then ask him to talk about it with me on Wednesday. But what if he refuses me? And what should I tell him as that i don’t end up manipulating him ? Do i have anything to apologize for? Thanks :)
(sorry it was too long ; also english is not my firs language so im sorry for any mistakes, it’s nearly 1 am here and im so, so tired)