I turned down a full ride scholarship with the government because they'd want me to work for them for the amount of years they pay for my education...and I would be going for a PhD since anything less would be useless in my chosen field. What's worse is they would have told me where to live. I would belong to the state until my mid to late 30's.

I dropped out of college altogether because I hate structure and I'm not really sure what I'd use my degree for anyway. I just thought it was interesting. I still do and I take free online courses to continue learning. I don't want to be indebted to student loans and the feeling like I *have* to use my degree because I got it.

I'm pretty good at holding down jobs, but the moment I get a sizable savings again (which is hard because I took a huge pay cut after a layoff and I'm a compulsive shopper to boot) I'm going to invest in residual income so I can retire from wage slavery and focus on being a jack of all trades, something that appeals to me because I hate being stuck to any singular interests. I only like the thought of being a master of one because of narcissistic reasons. It rarely brings me lasting joy to be the top of my game.

I turned down a lot of great opportunities because I hate the feeling of being trapped. It sucked at first, but I've finally embraced this fact about myself and feel a lot better about it now except in one aspect of my life...relationships.

I am a monogamist and I will remain this way. I had an opportunity to give polyamory a chance, but it has been sullied for me by someone who was rather abusive, and probably not truly polyamorous, but was using it to compensate for their own apprehension at forming intimate attachments. I also get the feeling they felt they were not good enough for anyone so rather than allow themselves to experience jealousy, they decided to keep people at arm's length and then say jealousy is not an emotion they feel. Anyway, a story for another time.

I have a habit of pursuing emotionally unavailable men. Possibly to reenact my childhood trauma. Possibly because it's safe. Probably a little of both. If you can't tell, I'm a commitophobe. I want commitment, but when it's handed to me on a silver platter, I freak out and, well, split. I am in this current situation with an emotionally healthy man. He's pushing for commitment, though not too hard since I asked him for time to make sure I'm 100% comfortable with it. For all intents and purposes, we are in a committed monogamous relationship, but the actual title terrifies me. The thought of being tied down to someone and making rather difficult compromises on goals and plans for them bothers me. 

I really care about him, though. It's easy to trust him. He's incredibly considerate and while I do get the occasional blip on the radar, there are no real red flags. His friends and exes all think highly of him. We have a lot in common. We're both the types who blend in well, but still remain critical of the society we're a part of and we share common interests. We're both willing to try new things for each other. I'm childfree and he's undecided, but aware of my stance. Basically, he's a good guy and we mesh well. I'm so willing to try relationships with men who are unhealthy for me. I'm so hesistant to get into a healthy relationship with someone I like a lot. In just this one aspect of my life, I want to be comfortable with commitment. I want this intimacy and I want to be okay with it.

I'm not sure if this is a BPD thing, but I figure it has something to do with identity issues, something I struggle with. If it's relateable, I'd really appreciate advice or shared experiences.