I apologize for the format I'm on a phone. Also any miss typing or spelling, I typed this up fast and I've been crying and shaking alot lol

Summary: I broke up with my boyfriend because I thought he would realize he loved me and be nicer, but he moved out instead. How do I redeem myself for calling him too much after? How can I get him back? If at all.

I posted on relationship advice and was told I need a therapist and now I feel really stupid and embarassed, but I actually want someone to give me advice. I actually feel the worst I ever have in my life. I had alot of people leave and this is just like the only person who I just cant lose. I don't know what's wrong with me.

We both have alot of mental health issues. We were together from 2016 to this november. Almost 4 years. Both 20. We've lived together for 3. I was stupid, we had been fighting so I decided to break up with him. I thought he would realize he loved me but he told me he thought he was gay. He didnt fight for me at all. We had developed alot of toxic behaviors and it was really unhealthy. I hated myself and i felt worthless, he was mean and ignored me alot. We both fucked up alot. 






After he said he was gay he changed his mind and wanted to sleep with his work friend. I dont want to bash her but before he broke up he would come home to tell me all the time how ugly and stupid she was and laugh at her. She extremely overweight so much that she has fat on her forehead. Shes just really unattractive in the face. I am thin, I have a nice butt, everyone thinks I'm attractive. I got made fun of for dating my bf because my friends would talk about how ugly he is. When his friends would see me they didnt believe I was his girlfriend. I dont understand why he would like her over me.






For the first month I slept with a guy I just met, and drank the entire time, tried a bunch of drugs,I'd never slept with anyone but my boyfriend before and I fucking hate my self for seeing that guy. didnt got home because he was there and it made me too sad. We would fight, he ruined a bunch of my things, made a mess, and spit in my face. I just wanted him to love me I didnt want him to hate me. My roommate said he would spend the entire time I was gone pacing around the house getting upset.






We had been getting better, he use to tackle me and punch me when I took his phone, when ever he was an asshole I'd over react and it was like a cycle.





After we broke up he begged me to sleep with him and send him naked videos because whenever he watched porn he thought about me. He said I was the best he would ever get. I let him come over and I got drunk, he likes anal and I thought if he could do whatever he wanted to me he would stay longer, i ended up falling on the floor, i puked and i couldnt move. He just left me, he texted to say sorry and ask if i was okay.





A couple weeks later I ended flipping out, I couldnt handle it and asked him to take me back. I miss him so much., I went full psycho it felt like the world was ending I was so scared and upset. i hacked his accounts so they would call hi with codes, used instagram, fb, phone, phone apps to call him because he blocked me when I texted to much. 






 He told me to stop texting him because I made him feel bad, when he feels bad he gets angery and says mean things, then he feels worse so he gets more angry.
Another point he said hes the most depressed hes been in five years and wants to kill himself. He said he doesnt have feelings any more, and doesnt know what's going on in his head. But in between he said he would be my friend again after he figures himself out, and another point he said we could try again and he just needs a break. He would block me then unblock me immediately and it basically was super back and forth and confusing. I have no self control, I basically just cried all the time and messgkaged him. He inevitably blocked me on almost everything and asked me to respect that he doesn't want to talk to me or have any type of relationship with me.






I stopped and am now just heartbroken. The thing is he has a habit of doing whatever his friends tell him, because when he feels bad he will do anything to avoid it, and if someone says he should do something it makes him feel less guilty for it. I know him honestly more than anybody else. Whenever he hit me he would basically melt down and feel so bad. He worked so hard to stop. He is a really sweet person when hes not angry. I think I ruined any chances I have by freaking out and obsessively calling him. I was so attached we basically were glued to eachother for 4 years. I cried if I stayed over at my friends because I missed him, if I left without letting him know first he would always check on me and be so worried. 





I love him so much, I dont understand if he actually stopped loving me, I dont get why. I dont know why he didnt try to get me to not break up with him. He use to be so in love with me and he just gave up.






 I just want him to come back. If I could go back and do everything differently I would. I keep looking back on every fight to figure out everything I did wrong. He said he doesnt want me. I cooked and cleaned and sucked his dick whenever he wanted and got good at playing all the games he likes because he wanted to play them with me. I never held it against him when he would do shitty things because I understood where it came from. I feel like everything is my fault.






  I dont want to be with anyone else, I love him. my body is just radiating with pain I feel so guilty and horrible. I just want him to come back. I've lost 15 pounds since he left because I cant eat, I only sleep a couple hours every few days and when I do I have nightmares about him being gone. Nothing is fun without him. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I just want to make things right and everything I've tried makes me feel a thousand times worse. I just want to see him and hug him hes my best friend. I dont know how to get him back.






My friends say that hes awful and unattractive, and that he will realize he cant do better and come back. My best friend says hes to much of a coward to come back, because he feels guilty for how he treated me and cant face it. My mom says he will come back because hes just hurting because I broke up with him and that when he calms down he will remember how happy I made him, and  will come back and beg me to forgive him. He told me he doesnt want a relationship with me. I just want him to come back. Whenever he was mean or did something that hurt me I called him out and told him why it hurt me, he would always get angry at me.




 He told me it was mental anguish. I literally just tried to explain to him how his actions affected me, I dont understand how that is mental anguish? I just wanted him to understand why it made me feel bad. Otherwise he wouldnt communicate, he would just get angry at his video games . He would throw temper tantrums and make screechy noises, he threw chocolate milk on my best friends floor. Whenever I asked him he he did something he would immediately get angry and act like I was doing something wrong. Whenever we would fight when people were home hed say everything really quiet so no would could hear him or He would laugh at me when I got upset and act like he was just joking the whole time. 




He made all his friends think I was crazy, he would blame me and say I forced him to stay home so he wouldnt have to go out with them. He would make up horrible things up about me and when I found out hed get upset and say it was so they would think he was interesting. He eventually told me he would block them, I was okay with it meant he would stop lying about me, but I'm pretty sure they all blame me. I begged him to go make friends, or hang out with his old ones, and to go see his family. He cut them all off and as soon as he broke up he moved in with his sister who he blocked for years and started hanging out with his friends who he always told me he hated. I dont understand why he didnt hang out with them while we were together, i went out with him and his friend when we were dating once, and he wouldnt let me around again because I got along too well with them and he felt left out. whenever he makes new friends he puts on a persona so they will like them, and does everything they say. Its confusing and he acts like a completely different person.





 I know for a fact if we both put in the effort we could fix what was wrong with the relationship. I am doing everything I can thing of to better myself and be a respectable person. I'm working at an assisted living facility now, I'm getting my liscense, I'm doing skin care routines and have gotten rid of all my acne. I am trying really hard to be the best person I can be and be more positive, but whenever I'm doing anything all I think of is how much better it would be if he were there with me. He use to love me so much, I only wanted the fighting to stop. Everything else was amazing. We could just play uno for hours and somehow it was just the funniest and most goofy thing ever. I cant imagine the idea of getting old and listening to anyone elses story's for 50 years except for him.