The roots of my BPD go back to my childhood, but most things happened in my early teens. In my late teens I was depressed, had already had splitting and increased resentment and anxiety and what's worst a poor and false self image. This self image and my beliefs and sentiments basically prevented me from being myself, loving myself, standing up to myself and live a normal and fulfilling life. It basically put my life on hold.

Everything I did since then was like "okay, I know that this is not who I truly am so I'm just gonna pretend to do it and put in some energy but won't identify with it so that I don't really transform into someone else, and I'll have to be patient and eventually I'll get stronger and THEN I will start to really take things seriously".  


Well, I'm turning 30 now and this point hasn't arrived yet. All my choices, my education, even my relationships have been transitional, I never identified or committed to them. I have lots of inner inhibitions and probably very immature feelings that make that hard for me.   


I feel cold and dead inside. It's getting worse. I've started a therapy that stirred up something in me - TFP therapy - and I have new realizations every day but other than that my life is empty and lonely and I'm not moving anywhere. I haven't for the past 10 years actually. My memory also often fails me, it's like I'm never there in my life, so I don't remember.   


I want to return to who I was, to be capable of pursuing a carreer (I always dreamt of academia) and to have a family. Can I re-learn all that? Can I change that much? Or is my personality and my inner functioning too solidified at this age for that?