i dont realize how cold and uninterested i come off at times when people hope for genuine interest out of me.  and then when i hope for it out of them, they give me the same lack of interest i gave them .  and then, obviously, i hate myself because i feel like theyre only doing it because i did it, whether they know it or not.  if i had been more open and willing when they wanted it, they probably would be for me.  and then i instantly want to give up on them.  but really i know its just me giving up on myself and i hate that. 