I'm absolutely stuck.

Please  someone read this, I know it's gonna be long but it would help so much  to know that there are people in the same situation or at least that  someone understands. I'm thankful for everyone who reads this and every  answer.

I am so exhausted. All the  time. The only thing I'm looking forward to everyday is sleep, just  because I want to escape and not deal with reality. I feel on edge all  the time, I could scream at every point.

I  am constantly thinking about what's wrong with me and questioning  myself. I'm in my head most of the time and my thoughts are confused and  often times too fast to even grasp. It's like my mind is slipping from  me. I'm disorganised and confused and have a hard time concentrating on  things.

I don't feel genuine  connection to people anymore. It seems I can't feel happy to see people  anymore, I mostly feel flat. I have a hard time talking to people,  making conversation. My mind just goes blank and I don't care what  people are saying to me and it takes so much energy to pretend like I  do. My mind is too slow to converse. Sometimes I feel a tingling in my  left side of the face, and there's just generally so much pressure when  I'm talking to people. Pressure to say 'the right hing', to say  something funny, something helpful, etc etc. I almost can't deal with  looking people in the eyes as I feel the pressure physically.

I  don't know how to properly communicate my feelings in a comprehensive  way, it's like there are emotions inside of me but no 'personality' to  express them. My inner me and my outer me are detached.

I've  been dealing with traumatic family drama for the past 10 years. My  mother is a very difficult person, capable of showing a lot of love but  can also be very mean. Since I was a child there have been moments where  she made me feel like she has something against me. There have been a  LOT of quite heavy fights in our family, often times between my mother  and me. These fights have dominated the most part of my growing up.

I  have started to study three times but always quit early. Each time I  felt overwhelmed, had no real trust in my own ablities and felt very  uneasy around people. I have made superficial connections, even was in a  group of friends with whom I traveled a couple of times, but I never  felt completely comfortable with them and never actually genuinely cared  about them and was happy and inspired to be around them. I have played  in a few bands, but the same happened there: I never felt like I really  belonged. I also wasn't passionately involved in the music, I just  played what I was told.

I don't  really belong anywhere. I lost the last 10 years of my life, I mostly  spent them on social media or other kinds of escapism, mindlessly  scrolling for hours and hours, day after day, month after month. I am 27  years old and I still feel like an angry child surrounded by adults. I  don't know how to convey myself, I have very little things to share (I  don't know anything about politics, history, philosophy, art, very  little about music), I feel like I'm not really part of this world. I'm  not my own person. I so badly want to have a life of my own again, with  things I value, people I love, hobbies I enjoy and a job that inspires  me. The life that I currently lead does not feel not like my own.

I  am currently going to therapy and have been diagnosed with depression  and CPTSD and I am positive that I have depersonalisation. My therapist  is specialised in that specific field (CPTSD), but even here I have a  hard time knowing if she's the right one or if I should change. I have  so little trust in my gut feeling, my own judgement.

I'm  also doing a work integration program and am currently searching for  job opportunities. It's hard having a positive mind set, as often times I  just fall into a spiral and feel like it will just happen the same way  it has every time so far. I won't feel part of the team, I'll feel like  the outsider and that feeling will be so overwhelming that I'll use  escapism to cope, won't properly concentrate on the job and feel  overwhelmed to the point where it doesn't work anymore and I need to  quit again.

I feel constantly  stressed, unable to relax, no genuine connection to anyone, please does  anyone feel the same? I feel like I can't escape this loop. It feels  like my mind is in a constant tought loop.

Thank you sincerely if you read this far and please excuse my english, I'm no native speaker.