And still have the same outcome? 

It feels like a cosmic joke that no matter what I do, no matter how “normal” I behave, I can’t build a lasting bond. 

Even if they were the one who told me about their feelings when they already knew me so it’s not as if some sort of behavior change happened. They already knew me really well. 

They still change their mind. What hurts more is that I lost my friend. It’s devastating. It makes me physically ill

Maybe they just started projecting and felt different even when I didn’t do anything. Maybe they just got scared or overwhelmed by their own feelings. I really don’t want to blame myself. I’m trying really hard.

I would absolutely admit some fault here if that was the case. Hell, I’m trying really hard not to find ways that I am to blame for it all. But I did everything to be healthy. I’ve been working on myself for years. I’ve been working on the symptoms, and behaviors before I was diagnosed with BPD. I’ve been seeing a therapist every week for four years. And years before in monthly. I had a ton of diagnoses since I was a child, and so I have been working on symptoms of those which obviously overlap with BPD for a very long time. It’s not as if I’m at the beginning of the journey anymore.

He even said it wasn’t my fault.

And yet here I am. 

Working very hard at not letting it keep me in bed. Not spiraling, ruminating, shutting down, sending him a barrage of messages, begging for him to reconsider, impulsively making erratic decisions and self destructing, general stupid bullshit, complete isolation, calling him and just really tearing into him, blocking him then unblocking, sending nudes, texting him calling him a piece of shit and generally insulting him in ways that I know would hurt him terribly, telling him I hate him, that I wish he would die, that it would be easier if he had died or that I want to die, etc.

But the feelings are still there. The blame. The shame. Self hatred. The frantic search for solace. The desire to do these things is still very real. Why does all of this have to feel so extreme or like nothing at all. It’s always so loud.

I’m on the edge and I’m doing everything I can. I have worked so hard for this. To be in control.

And yet.