It has been a month since my FP left me, he was my everything and I was so incredibly happy in our relationship of 3 years and 8 months (to the day :c). I'm slowly seeing the relationship was not the way I saw it. I put in so much effort and he... not so much. I think I loved him more than he loved me.

Things in *italic* are afterthoughts;

I've put spoilers on sensitive topics

&amp;#x200B;

**BACKGROUND**

We were long distance. When we first met we had a time difference between out countries and the flight was about 12h to get to him, eventually I moved closer and now I'm 2h away by plane. When we met I had no interest in relationships, I had gotten my heart broken a few years before and went down a spiral of self destruction&gt;!(sex, drugs, self-harm, etc.)!&lt;.

He fell in love when he saw a picture of me and while other guys were asking for nudes he called me stunning, beautiful, perfect. I hated that. I didn't want to love myself but slowly he broke down my walls and I fell HARD. He made me see worth in myself again for the first time in forever.

Forward to a few months ago on one of our usual calls he says he has been thinking of breaking up for a while pretty out of the blue tbh, the first reasoning was that quarantine wore him down and he didn't know if he could handle a relationship at this time. *Over the months before the breakup the reason would change, he would be better off without me, he was treating me bad and wanted to leave to let me move on, I was manipulative, I made him feel like he was walking on eggshells (never knew what would make me sad), we talked too much, most of the reasons given had to do with me, not our relationship. Needless to say this caused confusion. I still do not know the exact reason.*

Note: his parents are negligent if not downright abusive, his brother is golden child etc. He has ADHD and his parents barely acknowledge let alone help him with it. I saw myself as one of his biggest support systems, I helped him with everything he let me. *My therapist agreed I seemed to be doing everything right to help him*

I believed that he was just down and that in the same way when I was depressed I tried to push others away he was doing the same, so I fought for us, for a few months I think. He needed space though and I slowly learned to deal with that, but at times we didn't even talk for an hour each day, he wasn't busy, just couldn't stand to look at me because he missed me more...

With borders closed we couldn't visit and we had seen eachother in the start of september last, "The Trip" became our biggest motivator, we had an opening at one point, no need to quarantine post trip and only a few tests needed it felt like things were getting better.

He looked better, his eyes glowed again and he talked to me about all the things he wanted to do together when a few weeks prior he didn't even want me to mention our good times together.

And then everything went to shit.

Borders closed, the trip was now far away again, but less so, he got his first dose of the vax and things were looking a bit better even if this was a step back. For him though I think it was the breaking point, I think deep down I knew it was ending soon, I found myself staring at his trying to remember his features because I never knew when would be the last time.

We had a fight a few days after my birthday, I had gone out for a friends birthday (I barely even leave so this was very big for me) I kept him updated as always, he barely responded but hey he was already talking way less so to me this was normal now.

As I'm 5 minutes away from getting home I get a call, he is all smiles and asking when I'll be home, he missed me and he called first which he didn't really do anymore so my heart was all warm and fuzzy.

I got home and rushed to my room to call only to get a cold voice on the other end of the phone saying he couldn't talk rn something happened to a player he liked in his favourite sport, I said alright I'll pop in a shower and let you cool down and we talk after.

Note: 5 minutes went past. In 5 minutes everything went bad again.

Here's where I should mention Adam (fake name), Adam used to be school friends with EX-BF and a year ago ish he came back into his life, I was happy about this and encouraged my now ex to hang out. My EX let it slip one time in our call that he had asked Adam what to do and his response was to leave me and find someone closer. My best friend (Chief) (also ex's bestie) and I believe Adam's opinion weighed heavily on the final outcome. Anyway at this point in the story I wasn't fond of Adam after I treated him super well even played games with them sometimes and he just straight up told my boyfriend to ditch me.

I come back from my shower and text EX-BF and he says he is busy calming down by playing games with Adam... I hadn't seen him at all that day, I had been gone several hours doing something he knew was super hard for me, and somehow Adam had priority to help and talk to him. I was very upset and asked him nicely to let me help him. At one point he says ok.

He calls.

And ignores me for about 5 minutes and just plays with Adam with his headset on. I was of course upset and I leave the call only to get a message asking why I left and I was like I asked to help not to sit there waiting to maybe get a word in. This developed into a fight where he was incredibly defensive and I made it very clear how these past months broke me down. It ended with us going to bed before resolving it, kind of a sleep on it situation which we never did, we never went to bed sad/angry.

Next morning is my moms birthday, he has work early so I try to talk to him and he just wants to wait til after work which would mean 5ish but I needed to know what was up. The call was calm, sad but calm. He broke up with me, we were civil and he kept begging me to stay his friend, I did not want to because I couldn't bear to see him with someone new eventually, but he asked so much I accepted.

That day was hell for me, I had to go out to a restaurant for my moms birthday right after all this so through tears I put on makeup, a dress, heels etc. I couldn't do it, I got in front of the restaurant and my legs were jelly I got an uber home and on the way I was crying so much &gt;!I was physically sick and puked in my mask!&lt; so yeah extra gross. Got home and had to get emergency therapy session &gt;!because at that time knives started to seem like a nice accessory!&lt;.

I calmed down and the day although sad, didn't kill me, we didn't speak anymore that day.

&amp;#x200B;

*Therapy tip: my therapist said something that stuck with me and I kept telling myself through all this*

&gt;you've already cried for 10 minutes, 10 minutes have passed let's think about other things now.

*it reminded me I can have feelings but I can't let them stop my life or paralyze me, hope this helps someone out there*

&amp;#x200B;

**The next few days...**

Friendship sucked, we were acting normal just without nicknames. *I now realize for that time I was basically his girlfriend without strings attached. Kind of feel like a doormat for this.*

At this point im talking to our mutual best friend daily, lets call him Chief (he likes Halo). Chief and I hang out loads and at some point he lets it slip he is inviting BF to go to Disney with him. I was filled with jealousy and I know its petty AF but I was talking to chief every day and BF was ignoring him so it hurt a bit. Add to that Disney was me and my exs dream trip, we planned it several times, seeing him go and do something I planned with him alone hurt me. *Eventually EX-BF fell through and I got invited instead still dunno if I can go though but still :3*

In this weird mental state I decide I can no longer be friends with them both, I wasn't going to make Chief stop being friends with BF and I couldn't bear to see EX-BF doing things we were gonna do together by himself.

I said my goodbyes.

Chief dropped the bomb he had a crush on me since he believed that was the last opportunity he would get to say that. *We are super chill now and still besties, he understands I don't feel the same way and we are more like siblings in my head so he is now my big brother and I joke I will make his /"our" mom love me more than him.*

I ended up "sobering" up and realized the mistake I was making, I proceded to text both of them apologizing and saying that was the biggest mistake and I understand if  they don't want to be my friends anymore. I cried so much during this I once again &gt;!made myself physically sick.!&lt; *(note this is like a week after breakup so the whole friendship thing didn't last)*

Chief said he understood my mental state wasn't stable and said he would always accept me as his friend even though I hurt him with that (I apologized so so much he had to ask me to stop)

EX-BF however had gone from sad and crying in the call to very cold towards me, the conversation went.

**ME:** apologies etc.

**EX-BF:** can you handle seeing me with other people?

**EX-BF:** can you handle seeing me do the things we were gonna do together?

**ME:** I'm not sure...

**EX-BF:** Then leave

A little more was said mostly me apologizing and saying ok I understand and that was that.

Or it would have been if not 2 days after we "stopped being friends" he began sending me memes and cat pictures on instagram. At this point he was absolutely unpredictable, sometimes he would be nice, sometimes cold, sometimes both in the same conversation.

He told me to leave, but he came back like nothing happened. My brain was so confused *(still is).*

Currently we don't really talk, he stopped sending memes but still follows me on instagram and always replies to my stories, usually saying I can do it, I'm doing great, get my head up, he is proud etc. Honestly if anything it hurts. I promised not to block since I hope to keep this civil, also he sent me a box of my stuff that was over at his place so we kept communications going for a bit longer til that arrives and stuff.

&amp;#x200B;

**NOW**

So that's what brings us to now. It's been a month, lots of crying, lots of bad thoughts and nightmares but also lots of good developments and progress.

In the time since the breakup I have:

* Had my first job interview (and subsequently two others in the very same week)
* Got into streaming which I have wanted to do for ages
* Have gone a few days without thinking of him (sadly my streak was broken today)
* Eaten better
* Went in for a test run at a job
* Started noticing things weren't perfect

Now this is the actual purpose of this post, sorry for all the background. Through talks with Chief I'm slowly realizing that I think I might have loved EX-BF more than he loved me (if not the whole time certainly towards the end). I am pretty over the top with love so I get sometimes I can be a little much.

A few things I realized about our relationship now it's over.

* Accepted wayy to many apologies for lies
* Always tried to like his interests no matter how much I didn't want to, I learned names of players from his favourite team, kept up with news, watched matches, played sports games (that stressed me out a lot).  I had to really push to get him to try my interests out.
* Tried to share a book I really liked with him and since he isn't much of a reader I read it to him and he just kept falling asleep and at one point just stopped accepting when I asked, I would have prefered if he just said he didn't like it...
* In the same vein I used to talk/sing him to sleep, I'd stay on the call for a few minutes after he driftedb off since I knew sometimes he woke up, if I asked him to put me to bed he would stay for maybe a minute after I closed my eyes, I wouldn't even be asleep and he would leave.
* Was always at his disposal if he was unwell during the night, if he called I would stay up all night if necessary (at the start he would always do this for me, even when we had a time difference but that changed with time)
* Planned all our dates alone since he usually got distracted or just didn't take iniciative (they were always lovely tho so props to me I guess)
* We used to fall asleep on call and just leave it running, took pride in getting 24h on Skype. Towards the end he always made excuses to not call or not call at night. Like we did it for YEARS and all the sudden it was a problem, that hurt because it was one of the things that made me feel like we were a normal couple, seeing him on that screen when I woke up and he was still asleep gave me butterflies.

These are a few of the things I feel comfortable sharing there are some more but I don't want to say they feel personal idk, I know these might seem silly but I did everything with so much care and love, I just wanted someone to do it for me too...All this made me realize I love so goddamn hard, If I love someone there is barely anything I won't do for them. I wonder if someone will ever love me as much as I love them, is there anyone out there that can match me. I idealized him and the relationship a whole lot and I'm slowly seeing it wasn't perfect.

Right now I'm working on being happy being single, trying out the whole self love stuff you know? I want to fall in love and have my person again but for now, I'll settle for the hotties in my fanfictions and dating simulators, they can't break my heart and it will be a while til I trust anyone with it again.

Does anyone else feel like they will never find someone who loves like they do? Chief says I was a good girlfriend but in my head I'm scared I'll be too much or always have one sided loves.

Thank you for reading if you did, I just needed to word vomit.