It just won't go away! I can count on one hand the amount of times I wake up feeling anything but rage and regret. I try to reach out to people from my old life only to be talked to like I am sort of monster just because I isolated myself from them in times or extreme depression. I try to explain and they claim I'm just being a "victim" or "manipulative" and it fills me with so much rage and anger to be unfairly judged this way just for trying to take care of my own mental health. I'm so used to being alone and every time I open up to people, they run for the hills or distance from me. I feel like a repulsive monster and everyday I am getting closer and closer to dark thoughts I have been trying to get away from. 

The worse part is that the first thoughts in my head are violent ones and even though I never act on them, I feel guilty that I dare even HAVE a bad or violent thought as though I actually did it. All the horrible negative thoughts in my head make me feel like I deserve all the hatred and pain in my life. I just want to feel good more than I feel bad. I want to wake up and have things to look forward too and not dwell on my past mistakes or regrets. 

I sit with these feelings like people say, but they don't go away. Like a broken record they repeat over and over in my head growing stronger and stronger. I want to drown it all out with drugs and pills, but I'm too much of a coward to even do that. I just want some kind of connection, some group of friends to turn to, whats that even like? Having people you can reach out to that will actually make plans with you and keep them and laughing with friends? I see it on tv all the time and I want it so badly. I have no family, I have no real friends. Why Am I even alive at this point? What is there to look forward to for the next 50 years besides a slow mental decline and loneliness?