Last summer I started dating a guy who I thought was absolutely perfect. Treated me well, caring, thoughtful, stable job, handsome, etc. When we started dating I told him about my mental health difficulties (pre BPD diagnosis, just depression and anxiety back then). Also when we started dating I suffered a major concussion which severely worsened my anxiety and caused me to have panic attacks which I don't normally have.

Last fall he ended up breaking up with me out of the blue because my anxiety was too much for him. It absolutely destroyed me. I thought it was so completely unfair of him to feed me lies about how he cared about me and that I was "enough" despite going through a difficult time. He didn't even give me a chance, never brought up even once that my anxiety was too much for him even though I checked in with him several times. Not to mention my anxiety at the time was temporarily exaggerated due to my concussion.

I tried to just walk away from him like normal people in breakups do, but I failed. My mental health plummeted after the break up and I started feeling suicidal, split on him a few times, etc. Nothing crazy until a few weeks later I saw him on a dating app. When we broke up he also told me he didn't want to be in a relationship because he wanted to focus on his career. So that turned out to be a lie to some extent too and I absolutely lost my shit, messaged him, told him I was going to kill myself. He called the police, all hell ensued, etc. It was also through this breakup that triggered such emotional hell and suicidal desires (amongst other things) that I was diagnosed with BPD.

I tried to see him a few times to talk and drag the truth or an explanation out of him but he eventually got fed up and told me to fuck off or he would call the police. So I haven't talked to him in three months. I went to the hospital here and there for attempted suicides and while losing my mind in the ER I texted him/called him but he didn't pick up obviously. I, very unfortunately, have his number memorized. Otherwise I have him blocked on almost everything.

It's been 4 months since we broke up and we honestly only dated for 5 months. But every time he crosses my mind I just have this searing pain in my soul. I get this horrible sinking feeling every time I'm reminded of him. Whenever I see the same model car as his or pass areas that he frequents, my heart starts racing in panic and anxiety. I'm doing okay on a day to day basis lately but whenever I remember him I just want to kill myself all over again. The pain is just too much. 

I should also clarify this is not some unrequited love - I'm not in pain because I want to be with him or miss him or something. I'm not suicidal because I'm not with him. The pain is a result of the abandonment and betrayal and cruelty he demonstrated to me. I want to kill myself because every day hurts like it was just yesterday that this happened. It feels like I will never be free of this pain. 

I would literally pay thousands of dollars to forget about this asshole. I want to not care and not hurt and not suffer from these memories. How do I accomplish this?

Tl;dr - every time my ex crosses my mind I experience emotional hell all over again, need advice on how to stop feeling so much pain  
