TW: self harm, sexual abuse, eating disorder 

Had an appointment with a new psych today. All was fine until she mentioned bloodwork. Gave me a sheet of paper she signed with everything she wanted tested, told me to sign it, so I brought it in my car and tore it up. I don’t know why. But no fucking way I’m doing it. I think it might just be stubbornness. I don’t know. But fuck that and fuck you too, bitch. 

My mood is fucking trash lately because my eating disorder is out of control but I’m not yet underweight so nobody gives a fuck. I’m fucking famished and agitated and irritated all day long. I’m getting mean. I’m starting to lash out at myself physically. I’m biting, hitting, punching myself whenever I can because the anger inside of me is so extreme and intense I need to unleash it on someone and that someone needs to be myself. Partially because I can’t be hurting others, and partially to punish myself. 

I hate who I was as a child so much. I was fat, ugly, awkward, I thought I knew so much but I was so fucking stupid, I wish I could go back in time and take my 11 year old self and physically punish her until she finally feels just how hated she is. 

When I was five or six I had a sexual trauma that I totally did not find traumatic at the time. But when I got older and realized what I had… let them do… I just couldn’t take it. I never connect that to how it might be affecting my view of my childhood self. But fuck, it is so extreme the rage I feel for her. 

I feel alone because my subtype is petulant and it feels like the only type of borderline people are understanding of is the kind that doesn’t make you act like a total monster, or at least, borderlines only get patience and understanding if they’re in good places. 

Honestly I feel like i’m drowning. Im so fucking hungry. Im so angry. Im so stuck and going nowhere.