Hi! So I was just recently introduced to this subreddit because it never passed my mind that there was possibly a reddit community for people like me, and I admittedly found this sub while in the midst of a rather bad spiral (mixed episode/dysphoric mania). I wanted to post this because I found reading other's little successes and moments helped me at least keep my mind off, and maybe somebody else is in my shoes.

I haven't been medicated or in therapy for my bipolar since I was around sixteen, where I had a good like six months stable before I was abruptly withdrawn from a weekly therapy session and two medications (Mirtazapine and Adderall, after Lithium made me worse). My parents didn't believe and still don't believe in bipolar, that their child couldn't possibly ''be like that'', and my father taking me away from my only help was his way of /helping himself/ feel better and not have to put in the effort to support me.

My life has been a rocky road since, especially since I developed bipolar young and only got brief help when I was a teenager before having it taken away, and I have had more horrific moments than I can count. Without going into detail, think your typical 'disturbed' teen tendencies; nearly failed school, couldn't keep down a job, lashing out, bad health habits, overall not a nice person to be around falling in with bad people and only making everything worse for myself, doing anything to regain a sense of balance I lost when all I had was taken.

I had a massive change immediately after highschool that saw me leave literally everything behind; I packed up two boxes of my bedroom and went to the opposite side of the country with a mother I rarely saw and a new friend, lost my right to my father's insurance, basically had to abruptly grow up and figure out how to function as an adult at 19 years old paying bills, staying housed, working a full job, all that you do. This, mixed with an unmedicated and massively disruptive bipolar, was obviously a nightmare and more than once I didn't think I'd see the other side.

Yet here I am! It's obviously been a living hell on earth, but when my mixed episodes come down on me and I feel like I can't do anything, I think about how i've lived in this hellhole of a brain for so long with little support, purely dragging myself along, and somehow i'm still here! And it's not all bad either, I have budgies I love and care for, I have friends who love me, a favorite video game to play, a job I can manage to work part time in and be able to live, and i get to eat warm meals every night and sleep in on weekends and I can wake up sometimes feeling just, like i'm neutral. Not in immediate despair or destructive bravado of joy that I was always jumping between at my worst in highschool, but a neutral state that I can mold and breathe comfortably in. And to think that some day, I can get medication and therapy again and my world would be even better, that the manic episodes that throw me like a tornado may one day settle down! That the depression might ease up and I won't spend another year scared of when they'll crawl up! it sometimes makes me go " Man! That day is going to be amazing, I can't wait to get there!" and it keeps me going for another week, another month, as I chug along collecting money and working on getting insurance.

I was often horrified that I wouldn't be able to cope without these things, especially since I often read up on articles of bipolar ruining people's lives, as if it was some phantom that was looming over me waiting to ruin everything and take me to the darkest depths of life. So I feel really proud of myself for being able to get this far with what little I have, after all I put myself through and what i was put through, and it helps quell the fear that bipolar might one day ''win'' against me and take everything from me. It feels really good to know that if I can find the strength to keep going even now, who knows; when I get on meds and therapy, maybe i'll feel so free and happy that I won't ever have to worry about having to ''fight'' again, and that alone helps me go on a little longer, and winning this fight barehanded against bipolar! \\o\\ /o/