First, let me introduce myself, tell my story, and i'll dive in my situation after that.

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I am a 19 years old young man, from France, and a few years back i was diagnosed with what my psychiatrist called a "borderline tendancy", so that's why i'm here, it seemed the most appropriate place to post, and if it's not, i'm sorry i don't use reddit much. I had a rather calm childhood, but with an emotionnally distant and abusive father, and a very kind mom, who has a tendency to drink, go to raging moments of anger (breaking stuff, yelling) or of depression. I was bullied a lot in middleshcool, from my 13 to my 15 years old (ignored by half of the school, like i didn't exist, shamed, laught at because i'm short...). Right before i was 15, i got attacked by 10 angry guys for no reason, and manage to get out of it with "just" an open eyebrow (got 4 stiches) and a few scratches. I was truly traumatized and at the time my parents didn't quite give a shit because they were to busy fighting and telling me what a genus i was, and that i had to go to a brillant high school because the teachers said i was full of potential. I didn't want that. But i went anyway to please my parents and also because they told me i was going to have fun. 

It was a total disaster, by the end of my first year there i was stongly addicted to alcohol and meds (mainly codeine and xanax). And i fell in love with a girl, and fell into a very toxic relationship. It went so bad that she ended up kissing two guys in a bar while i was trying to stop drinking and drugs. I managed to do so, but 2 weeks after i stoped (cold turkey) i told my parents, who had no idea, and my dad never trusted me again about anything. A week later, it was the infamous 13 november 2015 that happend. I'm living in Paris, and i was scared shitless. My dad was where those fuckers shot the shit out of those cafés litteraly 15 minutes after it happened. He was shocked and went in a coma the same night because of a massive epileptia crisis he had. Meanwhile, i started having horrible halucinations and panick attacks. In december, after christmas, someone killed himself in my high school, jumping through a window i thouht before of for ending it all. I ended up in a psychatric hospital, oh and, yeah, during the summer, i was jumped again and failed to escape to save my friend's phone because i was drunk, got kicked in the back and lost the phone to those sons of bitches. That's when i was diagnosed. 

I stayed there a month and a half, and came out tired but ok, with medication. They didn't work, i started drinking again and taking drugs, and my girlfriend cheated on me and dumped me. It broke me. Again. I tried to kill myself with xanax and wine. It didn't work, and i never had the balls to do it after that, but i ended up in the hospital again, and came out, started fucking up again, dropped out of shcool, and met my girlfriend. I fell in love, and to this day we're still together and i'm over a year sober from any drug but tobacco, weed, and alcohol, which i don't use very often. I don't talk to my dad anymore and live with my mom. My girlfriends follows a students exchange program in Dublin. And the distance is so difficult to handle for me.

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What's the problem then ?

I keep fucking up, I can't control my emotions and i hurt her, so much, and i hate it, i hate myself, and lately she's mad at me because i have been a complete asshole this week. Maybe she will forgive me, but i won't forgive myself, and i have a feeling something terrible is going  to happen, that my dark side, my hallucinations will take over and i'm gonna die, killing myself during a dellusion. I'm in a dead end, because i don't want to talk to her about it (that would be so selfish, in my opinion anyway), or to my shrink, because i never want to go back in the hospital, the feeling of failure would end me. I love her so much, and i am happy with her, she truly made me another person, a better one. But i keep fucking it up. I lost lots of friends, and was manipulated by lots of people, i'm twitchy, paranoid sometimes... I don't want to die, but i keep hearing things telling me she'd be happier if i killed myself, and i feel that they are right.

So if you are experiencing the same problem, if you have advice to give, it would be great, because i really need to talk about it, and i really don't know what to do, and maybe here i'll feel less alone, less far away from evertything.

Thanks in advance, anything you'll do will mean the world to me.