Four years ago on this date, even though I can't personally remember the events of the day, I tried to kill myself. I was subsequently removed from my high school and thrown into therapy, which to this day is still ongoing.
I want to say that I'm doing far better. I'm currently finishing my bachelor's degree, I have a (somewhat) steady job, several friends and whatever. All the things people name to show off, you know?

But then, every year, February comes. And while I generally feel terrible every now and then, as I assume others feel, this month marks rock bottom.
I haven't left my room in a week, except for daily food/bathroom breaks. I just can't deal with people. I ignore people's messages. I cut ties completely with a person after I thought she refused to understand the situation. In retrospect, maybe she was trying to help.

This is my first post on this sub. I cannot describe how relieved I was when I found it. People who know, who can understand, some of the thoughts and feelings I'm battling with. I hope, at least.
And I'm writing this now because on this very messed up anniversary, I don't know how much more I can take.
I want to know that it gets better. Not in a cliché way. I want to know that one day, when Feb. 12 comes, I could look at the date without flinching and holding back tears. And that February would only be lame because I'd be single on valentine's, not because I'd still be alive.

It's selfish. It's terrible of me, but I want to know someone reads this. Someone who can maybe offer advice. Or at least recognition. I miss being able to talk to people completely openly, and I'm beginning to think anonymous Reddit posts are the only way I can do it now.

So to whoever's going through the sub right now - Hi. Can you please say hello?