My now-ex-boyfriend and I were together for just shy of seven months, and we really did have a good run. He made me feel the realest anyone had ever made me feel, and he supported me through all of my fuckups, and we thought we could work through everything and would grow old one day... 
but then he came to me a few days ago, and he told me that he couldn’t do this anymore. He wasn’t happy. He still loved me; he had just called /out of/ love /with/ me. We’re still staying best friends, and staying a consistent large part of each other’s lives, and I’m so incredibly grateful for that because he’s been such a huge part of my life and we had planned a future together one day. But there’s a part of me that still idealizes him so much. I’m still very much in love. He’s painted white to the point that I don’t know if I would ever have the ability to split black on him again, I regret everything I’ve ever done to hurt him... and I think that almost hurts worse than just painting him black and insisting that he wronged me in this way or the other, but I could never do that because I know we were both wrong and we both made mistakes that led to the relationship’s end. 
But I’m still idealizing him in a way that might be unhealthy? I honestly don’t know if it is or not. I’m still holding onto a hope that we’ll end up together. Absolutely all of me is still committed to him entirely. I still want to be around him constantly. I want to hear from him. I want him close. But I know that that isn’t what he needs right now, and I need to give him space and respect his current boundaries. It’s just so hard because I was the only one who was completely oblivious to the relationship’s imminent end. He had known for about a week beforehand, and we were on a break, but I was still putting absolutely all of my energy and care into trying to think of methods to improve our relationship and when he sat me down and told me he couldn’t do this anymore and that we needed to focus on ourselves I felt so many emotions and I just burst, and we held each other and sobbed for an hour, and so many emotions linger and I can’t get away. I don’t want to get away and it hurts so fucking bad to not want the only option, learning to love him as a friend, at least just for now if nothing else. I know I previously mentioned (I’m just word dumping, I need to get my emotions out of me) but we’re staying best friends and seeing each other often and we work together and that almost hurts on its own, but leaving town to see his parents for a WEEK tomorrow. That distance is so painful, directly after the breakup. I’ll have to get used to it anyway, and I know it’ll help in the long run, but it hurts regardless. 
I know I have to let go, and I know it’s what’s best for both of us individually, but I always counted on growing with him right by each others’ side, no matter what. I’m just so terrified because now I have no idea what the future holds. I have no plan. I don’t know where to go. He plans on staying by my side as I get ready for college, and we may still go with our original plan but as friends, or so he says, but I’m so scared of being let down. 
I need to let him work on himself for himself, and I need to work on myself for myself, but god I so badly just want to work on myself /for him/. I want to work on myself /so we can work one day/. I consciously know that that isn’t what my motivation should be, and that there is absolutely no guarantee of us trying again, but there’s still a large piece of me that’s just holding onto the off chance that he is the right one. He asked me not to wait for him but I feel like I have to. I know these feelings will probably change. I’ll probably learn to love him as a friend. I’ll learn to accept seeing him love people who aren’t me. But as of right now, I just ... can’t accept it yet. I still need to hold on. I can’t explain why and it hurts so bad. 
I don’t know why I made this post, if I’m honest. I just... really have a lot of emotions and I needed to get them out before I go insane. I’m looking to start therapy again soon and I’m so scared; past experiences were horrible.