I have no one in my life that I feel I can trust or that can understand me right now.

I've been seeing a therapist for maybe 2 months. I was in a really good mood for a little bit because I started on wellbutrin, so lately I was beginning to even wonder if I was ill in any way, all I needed was meds, etc. So I was considering stopping.

Yeah, no, we're back to crazy town. I'm getting the intense mood swings where I wonder what is even the point, how badly I want to cut because my heart and stomach feel like they're being wretched apart. I do this for a couple hours, and then I'm happy again, and then back to the existential crisis x100. I can't get out of it. I just can't, logical me knows it'll pass but it hurts so fucking bad in the moment that all I want is relief. I want to run in no particular direction until my feet bleed. I want to drink until I puke. I want to crash my life so fucking bad and burn to the point where I can't turn back. If I had some of the stuff I used to cut with in front of me? I'd do it.

I'm just really upset after our most recent session. I talked to her about how I thought I had BPD, I've experienced every fucking symptom on the list. I'm on medication right now and fuck it I still feel like an empty worthless pile of shit that has lived past her expiration date. She said that I can't be, people with BPD aren't self aware. If I'm aware that I'm a steaming pile of garbage... so it must be something else. 

Ended with talking about how when I'm feeling these dips, I'm just wondering if it's even worth it. In that low moment, I can't see beyond it. Doesn't matter if it's 30 minutes. An hour. A day. A week. It is so fucking intense and all I think about is when the fuck am I gonna call it quits. It's not going to be today, but I know at some point if the situation was right I probably will throw the towel in. 

Her next client called her right as I was talking about that and so she had to go talk to them right now, "we'll talk next week". 45 minutes into the session. Anyone that I can talk to about shit like this, I've pushed away for one reason or another. 

I'm sorry, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I just don't know if I'm overreacting. I'm looking into other therapists. This is the first time I've ever reached out to a therapist or shit like that so I just feel unmotivated at this point. What's the point if this shit is gonna be forever and everyone I talk to is gonna down play me or put words in my mouth.