Okay, so I just started reading through the posts on here. For context I’m in my late 20s, have a full time job, have two degrees, and have cut ties from my toxic family of origin. 

Are there any other people, who have been in therapy for years, or have done DBT, and have the self-awareness to understand some of their patterns or why they have certain urges... yet STILL self harm, drink, drug, or engage in self destructive behaviors?

I’ve been reading a lot about psychology, philosophy and science to better understand the universe and myself during the quarantine. I talk to my therapist, and do DBT weekly, but I struggle when I go on “benders.” I can be super skillful, light candles, meditate, handle arguments in a skillful manner, but every few months I go on these “benders.” My therapist called it a cycle the last time, but I’m not sure what he meant by that yet.

When I go on benders, I am fully aware that spending all my money, drinking every day, seeing bad influences, or buying plane tickets to go far away places are not SKILLFULL. I am fully aware that I will regret these things in a week or so, but when I start drinking every day and do this, I just give in, and I just roll with it. I usually binge drink on Fri/Sat, and I try my best to keep it at that (but I do blackout often tbh).

Part of my logic is, I’m fully aware of why this is bad, but since I already started drinking why not keep going and make it worse? It rarely lasts more than 1-2 weeks, and it’s usually triggered by a flashback or something major. think I justify these behaviors, because I have a full-time job, but I am not sure if this is a BPD bender or alcoholism?

Would appreciate any input, especially from people who are aware they’re doing the wrong thing in the moment!!