These past two years have been rough for everyone but they have been the hardest of my life. I struggled through college to find meaning and purpose and finally found it in the peace corps. I was evacuated when covid hit and had to come home. All my dreams were gone but at least I had met the love of my life there. 

After being home for a little bit my uncle cheated on my aunt and ripped our family apart. A little bit after that my grandpa died. I only made it through because she was there for me. A couple weeks after that my other uncle died. She helped me through that as well. I found a new dream to join the military. Covid messed everything up and I’ve been waiting to leave for a year. Living in my parents basement. 

I only have had the strength to keep waiting because of my love for this women. Three months ago she ended things with me. It was like she was a completely different person. I never wanted to get married or have kids and she talked me into to it and I ended up changing my mind because I wanted to make her happy. When she ended things she said that talking about marriage and kids made her feel trapped. 

I waited three months to try to separate my feelings so we could be friends. Because she always said no matter what happened I would be in her life, that her children would know my name. Today I felt I was ready and texted her that I wanted to be friends. She said she didn’t want to. I asked why and she left me on read. 

There is this burning in my chest that won’t go away. I can’t eat or sleep. I just want to be at peace. The world is black and empty and I can’t find joy in anything. I don’t know how long I can do this