Hello, this is my first post and I hope my grammar is alright because I'm not a native speaker...  
I can't handle what happened and I don't know if I will ever be able to. I had a perfect relationship. My SO was everything I could have ever asked for, she always cared for me and oftentimes put me first. I think I really must've been her *one*, she even gifted me a necklace with engraved writing *"You are my sun and stars"* in Dothraki, knowing that I am such a huge GoT-fan. I've rarely felt that safe, that she wasn't going to abandon me or would ever do anything bad to me.  
But the thing I did, I can not forgive me for, nor will she ever able to forgive me.  
I don't even remember everything that happened. I was getting drunk with one my closest friends, who is also her best male friend. I know we talked much, also about how my relationship is going etc. When we went sleeping I know that we both were in one bed. Next thing I know is that I woke up naked. I didn't think too much about it, since I kind of have the habit to just pull everything off from my body when I lay in bed. He's coming back from the shower - we're both still very drunk. I have some weird memories coming up, that I do not think about too much. Memories of kissing his body and jerking him of, blowing him. I think this can't be real, I was so drunk I've must've fallen asleep like in an instant. We're heading to the train station when he says something about weird dreams and waking up naked. I become afraid. I try to play it off cool, since this could not be possible. It does not feel real. It *can't* be real. I go home and get some more sleep. When I wake up, I know this was no imagination. I actually remember touching his private parts and trying to jerk him off. But it still does not feel real. I can't really describe my feelings when I realize what I did.  
I message him that I did forget something at his home. One hour later - message read, no answer. I'm becoming anxious. My SO is coming over and I have the worst remorse ever but I somehow can not talk about it. I somehow know this will be the last time we will ever be happy together so I'm pretending it is something else until I finally can suppress it. Next day I'm travelling back to the place I study at.  
I get an unexpected call from another friend. I accept and the first words I hear:  
"Are you retarded John[*name changed/ me*]?! Do you know what you have done? What you did to your friend? What you did to your girlfriend?!"  
"What do you mean?"  
"What I mean?! I talked to your friend. He is mentally devastated. You basically raped him!"  
I'm in shock. This can not be true. "Can I talk to him?"  
"Talk to him? He is not in the condition to talk to you. Did you tell Anna[*name changed /my SO*] already?!"  
So I call my SO. I can barely talk. My stomach feels like it was imploding and I just want to die that exact moment. She breaks down, as soon as she hears that I apparently tried to have sex with her best friend. I stopped the call soon after because I can not take it any longer. I have the worst two days in my life. I go to university since I have to - it's work hours and I'm getting paid for it by my company. But I'm just a lifeless lost soul trapped in my body trying not to show my feelings to the environment. I try to call my friend. He blocks it, does not answer on text messages.  
I have memories of the things I did that night. I know that I tried to have sex. When I was touching him, I thought he was playing asleep. Later when I tried to blow him, I actually thought he fell asleep so I stopped and fell asleep too. But just today I'm getting a call from my SO. She visited him, talked to him. She tells me I actually raped him. He said his crotch is hurting. He can not comprehend what happened, he's feeling abused.  
I do not remember doing that things. I sincerely can not remember. I do not even know if I can trust the few memories I have. They do not feel real. I do not know if I did these horrible, horrible things and that kills me inside. I never thought I was capable of doing this. And I do not understand why he did not stop me if I did this.  
I always had a problem with drinking, every time I started to drink I always ended up wasted. And I also had some sexual encounters with male partners, but everything was consensual. I'm so shocked of my behavior.  
I'm thinking if this is me, I do not want to live any longer. I was happy. Why did I do this terrible things?  
And when I talked to my SO, I could not feel anything. I broke her heart but I could not feel any guilt. Like there was a big black hole inside of me, swallowing every emotion.  
Am I a monster? Are there therapies that can possibly make me normal again?  
If that's the real *me* who did all these horrible stuff... I do not want to live any longer...