I have quiet bpd, I went through a traumatic experience in December, it basically made my world come crumbling down and made my bpd symptoms x100 more severe, my ex / fp was being distant and not showing me as much affection or attention and I read into things a lot I couldn’t help it. She knew what I was going through, she knows all about my condition. I split on her, I told her why is she not making me feel wanted, this that etc nothing abusive just how I really felt and she left me, she was cold as ice and cruel to me days later she said she had no feelings for me so I suppose I was right. 

I can’t stop blaming myself even though I know she wasn’t good for me because she was the least understanding person in the world, i was haunted for every argument and forced to keep inside how I feel else it would cause an argument when all I wanted her to do was understand me (ironic that one of the reasons she left is because we can’t understand each other - maybe because you would never say how you feel or listen to me) she said we’re toxic because we argued like 10 times in 6 months which the majority was because she refused to apologise or take any blame when the things were clearly her fault triggering me over and over. Imagine calling that toxic, that’s healthy even for a normal person, how do I deserve as a borderline person to be haunted for those reasons? Telling me how they put her off when it’s not my fault. Minimising my disorder, treating it like it’s some average controllable mental illness when it’s not at all.

She was so good to me during the first couple months, so understanding and listened to me so well I thought I met my perfect match. I swear she is borderline, seems a lot like an idealisation to devalue stage to me.

How do I stop blaming myself for ruining something even though it was likely going to happen either way she just kinda used it as a way to get out?? I know she was bad for me long term but I can’t stop idealising her now that she’s gone, she wanted to be friends but she treated me like complete shit during the breakup and the following 2 weeks after and I felt like she was using me. 

I know from past experience not to completely go insane and tell them how you really feel and split on them, tell them all their wrongs because every time I’ve did it I’ve always regretted it even though it felt good at the time, I knew she wouldn’t listen anyways and it’d just make me look like I’m crazy and give her reason to hate me. I wrote a big message apologising for my mistakes, told her why the relationship failed and how we could fix it and told her I loved her. I told her to not contact me unless it was important or she wanted to fix things. She replied nicely but I felt like she it was forced, saying that she’d always think of me highly, thanks for being me, that she’ll miss me and never forget me and that she’s so sorry for everything, she doesn’t want me to hurt and she hopes we can be friends again someday.

I don’t know if I’ll ever reach out to be friends, I miss her so much and want to be her friend but I feel like if I did I couldn’t help myself but bring up how shit she made me feel and that I’d be basically a doormat because even though she’s treated me so shit I’m just gonna come back and be buddies. I feel like my absence and her knowing how hurt I am is the only way to make her realise what she lost and how badly it hurt me, if she ever will.

I don’t know what to do, it makes me sick she has no idea the extent of pain I’m going through how much torture it is to be abandoned and treated differently by a fp, I just want her to know it but at the same time I don’t want to look more pathetic and I’ve been in NC for the last 19 days.

I just want her to message me and apologise for everything but say specifics but I know I’ll never get it because she never thinks she does any wrong. I also have thoughts of messaging her after I’ve healed and acting like I’m good and rubbing my life in her face just to gain my self esteem back because she made me feel so vulnerable. Why is this disorder so fucked up