CW sexual abuse, suicide

Because I do and it's my worst trait. I KNOW this and I don't need to be told. I constantly have to check myself because I fall into negative thought patterns that have me resenting others for not having it as bad as I did. 

A good friend opened up to me just recently about something bad that happened to her - her mom's friend molested her **once** when she was a child. *Just once* was enough to startle her healthydevelopment into adulthood. I comforted her and thanked her for trusting and opening up to me, but the entire time I was thinking "*but how are you this traumatized when I can be high-functioning after my regular childhood penetrative rape? You're telling me you developed permanent trauma after being molested once? Any by someone you barely knew?*"

And then I had to remind myself that my thoughts are unempathetic and that I developed a full-on personality disorder from everything I had to go through. But I am somehow so sick that I am jealous that it only happened to her *once.* 

When people in the past have talked to me about how my BPD traits have hurt them, whether or not they knew my diagnosis, I always said sorry and tried to be better. But inwardly, I got mad and thought that they're big babies. "*Boo-fucking-hoo. Baby's feelings are a little hurt? Sorry that you're so fucking soft, I guess*. *If you were me you would have already killed yourself if this hurts you so badly.*"

No one deserves what I went through. Nobody deserves to be hurt. But I'm just so angry. 

The better part of me knows that no one deserves to be hurt and that my traumatic experiences are never a reason to hurt anyone. I am lucky to have so many people in my life that care about me. But my worst thought patterns all revolve around the fact that I WISH I could have had their trauma instead because it isn't as bad as mine. I want to have been just molested *once.* My toxic ass brain considers that luxury because it's so much *less* than years of the sexual assault, molestation and rape I had to go through from an extremely young age.

It's hard for me to remind myself that no one goes through the sort of shit that I did and ends up just fine. I just hate when people lean on my for comfort because I desperately crave to be the reliant one. I'm tired of being told that I'm a strong person. It's easy to form a solid backbone when your life sucks as much as mine did. And it's hard for me to accept that things are better now. I don't always feel that I'm built for happiness. And it's my own fucking fault because I've never opened up about this shit to ANYONE but my therapist and strangers on the internet.