I don't deserve to be in a relationship. Why would anyone stay with me when it's so much easier not to? I cause others anxiety, resentment, insufferableness, intolerance, pain, insecurity, weariness, shame, disgust... And yet I can't stop the emotions from wanting to bludgeon myself into oblivion. The constant back and forth inside. I can't stand it. Never satisfied, never satiated. As a result of myself, I've been abandoned by everyone in my life, and I've abandoned the rest. I got close today. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. One less asshole in the world, right?