I'm more or less losing it after a really good run. Maybe 6 months or more since my last breakdown. Now, the thing is, this here post is probably the most i'll do. I'm too old for anything else, but still, it's been a hell of a week. More or less literally. I'm off to fucking Morocco on Tuesday for a couple of weeks to chill. Maybe that will help.   
What's mildly interesting is that i'm on some antibiotics and it seems like all hell broke loose since then. I need zero sleep. This is the first and most objective symptom that things went downhill. I started wondering if there is a connection, pharmacokinetics and such, or even better, there is some truth in the theory that the gut microflora plays a role. Since i'm literally destroying my gut flora, i thought, well... not much to loose from trying to alter my interiors. I believe this is somehow one of the final approaches, although i will investigate the idea of hormonal imbalance blabla. (btw, Trazodone helped plenty but after 3 years of being nice to people i've realised i've been taken advange of - i LITERALLY pulled an 'A Clockwork Orange' on myself, so i quit the meds for self-defense. It worked. Now i'm dubious again).   
So, back to my guts. My best friend is NCBI. I've spent more hours on that website than anything else. Found something mildly interesting: L. Plantarum 299v. It's a brand name bacteria, go figure. ([https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30388595](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30388595))  


Guess who paid 25$ for a fresh bottle of L. Plantarum 299v capsules? Me, of course. Tomorrow, hopefully, i'll receive it and start pumping living things in this wreck of a shell of mine. Wish me luck or anything else. I've been isolated for a week now and this is my first contact with the outside world except a few functional interactions.   


It all seems so strange. I feel as bad as i've ever felt when i felt BAD, however, i seem to have re-framed the whole thing in my head and i have a "fuck off-ish" attitude towards my very own suffering. It's like when you're walking back home from a party and your feet hurt but you can't really be bothered and just carry on because there's nothing else to do except sleep on the sidewalk (a feeling for both after-parties and BPD i guess).