i said it. it feels kind of good getting out but also at the same time it feels really, really hopeless. i have had no one truly care for me except for a few of my cousins and my dogs. my mom could not give less of a shit about me, and my dad is really weird towards me, sometimes he acts like an actual dad and seems to love me at times but other times he doesn't, and acts really weird. (not in a normal father daughter love way, to me at least.) i've never had friends that truly cared about me, or thought of me as an actual friend. i've just been someone to use, or a placeholder when they get lonely. no one has ever loved me, boys only use me for my looks. i grew up pretty ugly so the fact that guys find me hot now and use me does feel kind of empowering, but at the same time it makes me realize just how unlovable i truly am. i will never be able to find true love, platonic or romantic. i've tried to off myself so many times that even thinking of it would be stupid because i know that somehow i'll survive. i don't feel anything anymore and just spend my time sleeping all day and night so i guess i'll just do that to get me through the rest of my life. although i'd love to have the life everyone else around me has, i guess it wasn't ever meant for me, so what can you do. i just needed to get this out.