I feel like I create this imaginary conflict that everyone is against me &amp; out to hurt me. I have roommates and if I hear them enjoying themselves while I’m feeling alone/depressed, I become spiteful and angry. When I hear them laughing, I take it personally. Like, they’re mocking me or laughing at me. Why don’t they ask me to join them? To feel included? I just feel like I’m too fucking much. 

I’m afraid what I’ll do when I get in these moods. I grow so resentful and angry. I feel fucking hurt. I feel alone. Why doesn’t anyone just check up on me? My friend lives with me…she knows how I feel and how suicidal I get. Why can’t she Just ask me if I’m ok? I feel like shit. I feel disgusting &amp; like I can’t trust those around me. So I alienate, so I pull myself away, and convince myself that I don’t matter. And then the suicidal ideation starts. I am tired of this stupid fucking cycle. It happens all the time. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m so sick of myself. I’m trying really hard to make things better, but I will always be stuck. 

I’m angry at my mom—my parents…everyone for making me like this. For needing to feel validated &amp; loved all the time so that I can in turn feel loved &amp; love myself. I want to do that on my own. I can’t. I can’t. I feel too much. I feel like I am too much for everyone. I hate me. I’m sorry.