Sometimes just existing is difficult. I often try to push these thoughts aside. I try to pay no attention to them. But sometimes they become overwhelmingly strong. Sometimes I look at my life and could just break down and cry. It’s difficult because the people in my life I love so much. My children are the best part of my entire life. And I love them more than words could ever express. But I’m deeply struggling every day. I’m trying so hard to see purpose. And I see that they need me, and I often wonder what their lives would be like if I wasn’t around. I wonder if it’d be better for them. Sometimes I think it may be better for everyone.  I have intrusive thoughts of letting go. It often scares me and I shake it off. But I’m hurting and I don’t know why. I have everything I could need. I’m a stay at home mom. I’m overwhelmed and I feel very very alone. I can’t even express it to anyone and I feel like if I try I’m afraid they won’t understand the severity of my depression. And if they did I’m more afraid of how they would try to help. I often think of what I need to do to help myself with my constant anxiety. I go through days of excessive worry. Every night I feel sick. My anxiety causes physical symptoms and I feel ill a lot. This has been worse lately. I used to never have any issue, I never had anxiety. But now it’s so severe that I often think I’m dying of an illness. A part of me doesn’t want to do it anymore. I keep trying to think of the future and see how this eventually will get better. But I feel like I’m trapped in a circle of pain. Where this is a loop that will never end. I’ll never get better. I’ll always go through these bouts of sickness that leave me too sick to get up, too sick to enjoy life. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m so incredibly tired I dread the next day before it even starts. I don’t feel good ever. I’ve learned to hide it because I don’t want to be a burden to my husband. I don’t want to make my husband or children suffer because of me. Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to be better, I want to stop feeling the way I do. I feel lost because I feel like no matter what I do it’ll always come back to this.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. It helps to vent when I feel like I can’t express my feelings out loud.