TW: Suicide, self harm

I have a FP who I got really close to last semester of school. I used to call him several times a week when I was feeling bad, especially when I was having suicidal ideation or the urge to self harm. I needed him so much and loved talking to him. Then I started thinking that he secretly hated me and that I was a burden. I had trouble trying to call him when I felt bad, and I didn’t trust anyone else to call them when I was struggling.

Then I attempted suicide. And almost succeeded.

I called him from the ER crying and afraid I was going to die. Then almost every day for the next two months, I would call him to talk. I needed his love and support so much. 

Then the New Year came, and I was out of hospitalization. He suddenly said we needed some space because I’d become codependent with him. I tried really hard, but I still felt very attached.

Then two weeks ago, he told me he has a new girlfriend. I’ve crashed so hard in the last couple of weeks and keep swinging from loving him and believing he’ll leave his girlfriend for me, and hating him and never wanting to talk to him again. 

This is the third FP I’ve lost in the past year and a half. I feel like I’m dying. I’m hot and shaking and can’t concentrate on anything else. Everyone always leaves. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to end up so alone. They always leave.