not only do people not understand me, but they tell me my feels are wrong.

i get called a psycho, crazy, bitch, c-unt. all i want to do is help people. it's hard for me to maintain a horse, because you haven't seen the inside of my mind. it's hard me to to maintain a job, because everything hurts me. i feel everything. and everyone is always willing to push me out the door to start my first day at my job, but  no one is every there to lick my wounds when i get back..

i am too sensitive. but also too rude, too loud, to judgemental.

i don't have many friends, but it is hard to reach out to them in an episode. i have had so many episodes that some of them don't want to come back. other people have no problem reminding me why i can't keep friends/why no one loves me.

i make progress, but it's not the "expected" amount of progress, so it either goes unnoticed or it's disregarded completey as something i could have tried better on.  


my sister had bpd and took her life in 2016. i got my dx last year after a breakdown where i also wanted to take my life. people understand that i have this, but my parents are distant about it because they don't want to take ownership of that pattern and it's much easier to say i am "obsessed" than it is to say "i have been suffering for years but people were too distracted with her diagnosis, so now my best friend is dead and she is the only one who would understand this, and everyone made it worse by not paying attention to me until she died and then they were forced to."

i have a partner who i love more than anything but twists every situation to where i am out of line or i am crazy or my emotions are irrational. he needs counseling too from his trauma in his past relationships, but therapy is for "broken" people. why should i have to carry my own burden and his just because, like, if i'm already crazy.... i may as well carry his crazy too. that way he can look totally normal and eve  sometimes like a hero for dating me.