My whole life I’ve known I have been different. I saw the world for what it is at an early age and I never understood how people can be so happy. I’ve had many partners but all unsuccessful. However, they’ve always said I was such a great person and all of them said they loved me. I had this weird feeling that they were lying. Everyone is lying to me. I’m not a good person. I have substance abuse issues. I have moments where I feel like a failure. There’s moments where I feel like I shouldn’t be here on this earth messing it up for other people. 

I have children. They think I’m the greatest person in the world. I know they whole heartedly love me. I’m a great parent. But I’m terrified for the day they’re old enough and see the real me. Get to know the real me. I’ve tried suppressing this part of me. I don’t want to be like this but I’m sure some of you can understand it’s just who we are. 

I’ve accomplished so much in my short life. I’ve done a lot of cool things. But I think it’s coming to an end. I’m not scared of leaving this life I’m scared I won’t be able to help my children when I’m gone. I’m scared my leaving will ruin their chance at happiness. I don’t know what to do or how to think anymore. 

I hate these moments I have of being good. It’s like a sick joke my mind and the world plays on me that there’s hope.