I just don’t get it. I have no one in my life and I’m cripplingly lonely all the fucking time. And yet the only thing I wanna do, the only way I can see myself existing without constantly thinking about killing myself all the fucking time is by completely isolating myself from everything and everyone. I don’t want to be part of this fucking society and I hate being around people, even though I’m the living, breathing picture of loneliness.

Every time I’ve tried to connect with people and build friendship circles or even support systems I just start to feel angry and agitated and want to be alone all the time. I feel suffocated. And then I move away so I can start over, delete al my social media, block all the numbers and ghost everyone and suddenly it’s like I can breathe again. The sense of relief I feel is immense. 

I just don’t get it, there’s only one person that still has any way to contact me because they helped me a lot in the past and felt bad about just ghosting them entirely. We haven’t communicated for three months now, I’m kinda hoping they’ve finally moved on with their life (the friendship also got rocky, but I’m not sure how much of that is mutual or how much is me assuming it’s worse than it is, it was a complicated situation). But then at the same time, I desperately want them to text. But if they did, I’d only want to reply with a polite version of “leave me the fuck alone” because I don’t even think I actually do want to restart the friendship. But then I must if I’m wanting them to text? I don’t fucking know, it makes no fucking sense.

I just don’t get it, I don’t know how to live like this, needing to both be completely alone but also being perpetually lonely. It also makes me depressed to think about because I think I actually tend to be a well-liked person. I seem to make friends really easily and people genuinely seem to like me but it all just feels wasted because of how I am inside. If I wasn’t so busted I could probably have a pretty normal, successful and maybe even happy life. But I’m not so seeing that there just feels like wasted potential, a constant reminder of all the things I’m missing but can never have because I don’t even want them and would feel extreme relief to throw them away if I got them. I just don’t get it.