I feel hopless, I need advice and outside perspective. 
TW
Sorry I'm desperate and it might be a little scrambled
I want someone to hear my story and I really want an outside perspective. I grew up with my grandparents who are pretty mentally ill. My father is a druggie and my mom was barely in my life at the beginning because she struggled with mental illness and drug abuse. My grandmother would constantly bully me and get my sister to join in. My grandfather was always silent distant and passive and would go along with whatever my grandmother would do. From about 6 to 13 I would black out in anger due to not being able to coop with the constant harassment. School wasn't better, kids treated me as if I was mentally challenged and I didn't think I was so it just confused and frustrated me. After 13 tje blackouts stopped and I told myself o would try to be more mellow aside from those outbursts I've always tried my hardest to be empathetic to those around me and try to reach out because I felt I could understand. Fast forward to me being 18 at my first real job at a mental institute for young boys, as well well my own apartment
 in hindsight, it probably wasn't the healthiest job. The kids where very violent and disturbed but i thought I could help. The kids weren't the worst part, the staff was very very abusive physically and emotionally. I saw myself in most of those kids and worked there for about 2 years. The most traumatic part was having to restrain a 12 year old boy who was sexually abused by his father. He yelled things like rape and much much worse as well as using his fecal matter as a weapon. Ive hardly even hugged a girl before this experience, Shortly after that experience I just didn't want to live with the possibility of that child thinking i was somehow sexually assaulting him. My sister found me and got me a job working with developmentally disabled adults. Ive always worked third rarely saw the sun and hardly socalizes except with a coke dealer and his roomate that lived below me... I had to change a gentleman but after my experience and him not wanting to be disturbed I just couldn't bring myself to change him. It felt wrong. I wanted to get a new job but it paid well and my family said I shouldn't leave it so I stayed. I smoked a lot of weed to coop with what I think is ptsd. Eventually I got heavily into shrooms because they made me feel happy, something I havnt truly felt in a long time. The weed shrooms and fast food was where all my money was going and I would often not have any actual food in my apartment. I stole a Walmart gift card from work in a moment of desperation and that's the biggest regret of my life..a coworker said the last person who did that went to jail. So now I thought great either suicide or jail. I tried to kill myself again got hospitalized, that made me feel more hopless and I tried again after leaving. This time my mom found after a week of no showing to work she then brought to the hospital again where they gave me 150 milligrams of zoloft. I havnt had shrooms at least months before taking these meds but I was still smoking and occasionally drinking. The pills made me feel energetic as hell and one night at work, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack so I cut the pills in half to try to reduce the dose. Nobody told me not to. Nobody checked on me. I went absolutely insane. I've struggled with intimacy for obvious reasons and a female friend kept trying to push me into dating and sex which I didn't feel comfortable with. She also kept giving me mixed signals about wanting to be with me which I didn't even want.  Was also struggling to come out. After cutting the pill in half I just lost my shit everything mixed in my head I came out to my landlord and kept repeating I'm not into kids. She lived in the same building and has a baby and dogs that never shut up and after working where I worked on third hearing a baby scream was absolutely hell I also admitted to being a furry which sounds worse then it is I just like the art and I think it makes people less scary in a weird way,I told her all of that.it looks like I'm some pedophile/beatality monster. To make make worse I used to naively look up to people like shame dawson before realizing how horrible he was. also went to work for some reason babbling about coming out and other nonsense which they ended up having to get police to tell tell yo leave. I was delusional paranoid and desperate for help but didn't know how to get it in hindsight i should if just went to tho hospital. The police came to my door with Dr's telling me I need to go to the hospital. I lost everything. My job my apartment my cat my tarantula,everything I've built in life.. all around my 21st birthday. I'm living at a shelter now working at a pizza place n therapy and waiting to get an apartment. I'm doing everything I can to put shit back together however Everyone thinks im a freak and I don't know what to think.. I feel ok now other then being depressed I have no more delusional thoughts just empty sadness after losing everything. I really need outside perspective from strangers.