Yikes I feel so much cringe at my self right now. 

I'm trying to self soothe but old habits and all that, so I reach out to my best friend after not being able to find any DBT providers in my area (found a support group which I will be attending from November when I can consistently go - I'm working overseas for 5 weeks from October). 

I told him I was bummed and that work was aggravating my disorder and my (possible, as I haven't been diagnosed yet, but made an appointment to speak to my GP about my concerns) body dysmorphia (I prefaced it the same way to him). I know I binge eat for self harm but I am obsessed with my body and how I perceive myself/how much I weigh genuinely influences whether my day will be good or bad, I also can't stick to a diet, so, no matter what I've got an appointment with my doctor and am going to talk about therapies for this. 

Anyway, he said, "don't hate me for this but, you tend to self diagnose a lot. Could you be putting symptoms in your head? Like you have latched on to this stuff before."

He's so right, I've had so many cancer scares because I get it in my head that I have it.

Though idk I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I told him that yeah, he's right, I can thank my bpd for that - just like how I latch on to people and personalities. 
It wouldn't be so bad if my fiancé didn't just call me out the other day for latching in to elements of Shane Dawson's personality as I've been obsessed with him currently. Maybe that's where the body dysmorphia idea came into my head?

I just hate myself guys. My friends are right which has just brought on this awful feeling of shame. I'm such a loser. 

I feel like no one believes I have BPD either - which IS diagnosed. Everyone keeps telling me I've gotten worse in recent years. I just want to melt into a puddle and disappear down a storm drain. With the trash, where I belong. 

*Sigh*. I have 11 (week)days left of my hell on earth job and that will help improve my symptoms so much soon. I just feel so lonely and invalidated. I don't want an echo chamber but I feel like the boy who cried wolf all the time. 