I just deleted a really long post I didn't have the courage to post. I was revealing too many hurtful, deeply personal stories and, as much as I want to share them, I am terrified to do so.

The short of it is that I've endured severe trauma throughout my life - starting with childhood sexual abuse and continuing in the form of further mental abuse as an adult. My childhood abuser, a family member, was protected. Nothing ever happened to him and my parents never got me help. The whole thing was swept under the rug and nobody ever addressed it with me. I grew up alone and confused about the whole thing. Last I heard, the fucker lives in Florida with his wife and some kids. He seems happy. I hate him so much it hurts.

I had something really bad happen to me as a young adult, and while I don't want to talk about it, it has severely impacted me, my life, and the way I view myself - all in a very, very negative way. It was more traumatizing than even the abuse I endured as a child. 

I hate my life and most aspects of it. Sometimes it really doesn't seem worth it to continue. The things that once brought me joy - namely music - feel like a chore. My job is a dead end paper-pushing slog that I feel underappreciated for. Trying to change careers, I can't even seem to land an interview anywhere, so I'm stuck here. There is no end in sight to the hardships I face on a daily basis, and I've felt alone in my suffering for a long time.

I tried killing myself about 10 years ago, but I was too much of a coward to go through with it. Still, thoughts of suicide pepper my daily thoughts. Sometimes I fear that this life will end ugly. I drink and smoke every day to feel okay, but lately even that doesn't feel like enough.

I don't know why I'm posting this, to be honest. I don't know what I expect to get out of it. Part of me is upset that I didn't have the balls to post all the specifics.

Whatever. Consider this a throw-away post. Nobody cares anyway.