I don't think I've enjoyed a day in my life since I was a child. I don't have the things that normal people have in their lives: a community, a family, friends, hobbies, interests, and general good experiences.

The things that others would consider normal, like going out with friends, traveling, and being able to healthily use social media, are out of my grasp. I'm not a normal person, I am far below average.

I've always been an outcast and a loser. I did poorly in academics and did even worse in social situations. I live alone and I go weeks without speaking to anyone face to face. I don't know where to go or what to do to change this. It is easy to say "do something" or "think positive" but I'm ashamed of who I am and I find it difficult to make eye contact with people let alone speak to anyone.

Everything has gone downhill in my life for the past 20 years; horrible things have happened to me and I made horrible choices. A childhood friend of mine graduated from medical school this year, and multiple others are building great careers and lives. I have been stunted due to my poor choices early on and I've only just started on my life. I am 27 and most 19 year olds are far more experienced and ahead in life than me.

I don't have the basics: I don't have anyone to turn to if I need help, I am not in good health, I don't have any life experience or confidence in myself, I don't have a proper education, I don't have as much work experience as I should have by my age, I don't have many skills, and I don't have any belief that I can change anything.

I tried the therapy, the medication, the whole song and dance. It was just an expensive waste of time.

I don't know what to do. My chest hurts and I feel trapped in my body and my life. I don't enjoy anything because I don't feel that I deserve to live or be happy. I don't feel that I deserve to enjoy anything because I haven't led a good life so far. I don't know how to redeem myself, I feel that I've gone too far down to ever become someone I could respect.

It is easy to dismiss how I feel, which is why I don't tell anyone how I feel. No one would understand because the flavour of the day is "positive thinking" and I don't fit in with the group. I don't know how anyone who has fucked up as badly as I have could salvage anything from my life. I keep to myself and just wait for my life to pass so I can die and just not exist.