help lol

What to do

idk if i’m just venting and there’s nothing for me to do about this or if there is some meaning behind what’s going on but basically, there’s this girl in one of my classes (i’m 21m) in college that i really like. based off of some social media research she has been in a long term relationship and anyways i’ve never approached anybody in years so it was just a dream i would look at her constantly and she sees me looking quite a bit (it’s weird of me i know but i’m hopeless anyways). so anyways one day before i get to class there she is, sitting right beside where i sit every single class. coincidence? that’s what i thought, until she spoke to me. a girl. speaking to me. mind blowing. words can’t even describe how amazing it felt. i was slightly awkward sure, but a girl. talked. to. me. it made my week, and quite possibly my entire school year. and of course with my bpd i was ready to marry her or something lol. this was about about a month ago. idk why she talked to me bc she doesn’t talk to others in class but perhaps it’s because i’m constantly staring at her. and i seem normal and reasonably attractive (even though i’m broken on the inside) so maybe she wanted to know who i was. maybe she was planning to break up with her current bf, idk.  but my social anxiety kicked in. ever since that class, i can’t approach her. i know i should because she approached me but i can’t. my body just freezes and i feel like i’m gonna die. i got fed up and made a next day appt. at any psychiatrist who would take me so i could get (in my mind at the time) xanax to make it ALL go away. lol. i got some allergy
medicine that supposedly sedated the brain so i popped them the next morning, confident i would talk to her. i was not anxious at all, and felt quite numb. i guess that’s what it feels like to be normal. but still, i just could not talk to her. it wasn’t my anxiety anymore—i’m literally traumatized by all the rejection and pain i’ve suffered all the way since elementary school that prevents me from talking to anybody. so now i just feel hopeless and crushed. the semester ends in like a month or even less and i’ll never see her again. i know i have to talk to her but i don’t know how. now, she often sits not directly beside me but one seat away—maybe an invitation for me to talk to her? does she not realize i literally am unable to as much as i would kill to? what can i even do at this point? i just feel incredible hopeless as i watch my opportunity fly away against my will.