Today I received super good news - I got into my grad program of choice - and yet I still feel empty and upset. I'm so happy and yet I feel like I don't deserve it. I told myself if I didn't get in, I would actually try and kill myself this time. Like actually try it. And now that I got in... its like the universe is saying "I don't want you to die, but I also don't want you to be happy lol" 

I'm just miserable and I hate myself. Yesterday I relapsed after 2.5 years of not cutting. 2.5 years. And I fucked it up all because I'm out of state and I can't legally (or easily) get high here. I've been getting high for like months straight now because I'm still not over my stupid fucking ex. And yesterday he texted me and after not eating all day, I got a lil too drunk and told him I still love him. I feel so worthless and tired. I'm just so tired of being here and I'm so tired of feeling so many things it makes my head spin. I just wish I could die without having to do it myself. 

Can someone just tell me things to make it better? Please?