My ex-fiancé (f34) discarded me (f37) after 3 years of relationship, 6 months ago. She was physically and emotionally abusive when in a rage that would happen every 2,3 weeks. There was a time pattern for the rages and except for 2 times, I don't know the reason for the rest. She did not know either (or maybe hidden) when I asked. She would take my cellphone (so I couldn't call or record) and wallet and car key by force and corner me so I will not leave the room. One time I could escape, she run after me and broke the car mirror, and jumped on the car so I don't leave. I would talk to her calmly after the rages and would tell her that she hurts me and that her behavior is not acceptable. She would tell me to pure bleach on my memory of her rages be she didn't mean it! I was not even allowed to stay hurt or have some time to put myself back together. If I wouldn't pretend everything is back to normal and would not give her love, the rage would continue!

Between the frequent rages, she was deeply in love, passionate, and caring, and wanted to marry me, have a kid, and I was everything to her. I had the same feeling. Everyone, even her friends would say that I am a perfect partner because I did everything in my power for her to be happy and healed. I went above and beyond. I changed my city, I changed my work, I accepted her daughter as my own, I took care of her daughters more than herself. I gave her the love of the world because I thought we are deeply in love and we can pass through her trauma. Although I was worried about the abuse and her substance use and hoping to convince her to go to couple therapy. She would say the reason is her ADHD. As time went by, I insisted that it is more than ADAH and she should see a psychiatrist bc I am mentally and emotionally drained. She finally accepted but never went. 

6 months ago, her mom came to visit for 2 weeks. She has the worst relationship with her mom. They fought the first day and I tried to be there for her. Her mom gaslighted her again after a few days, she came to the bedroom and slapped me so hard, accusing me of gaslighting her. I had nothing to do with their fight. I never initiated a fight with her. It was always her fighting with me. Her face was emotionless and her eyes were really scary. I was scared and left the house and told her that I cant do that anymore and I don't feel safe in her house. She got paranoid and accused me of poisoning her, spying on her phone, abusing and gaslighting her and told me if I go back she will call the cops. I had no idea what the fuck is happening. I could not go back in ever since. She started the smear campaign, threaten me, tortured me, and kept my personal belongings even my clothes for weeks when I was having panic attacks alone in the hotels and Airbnb. She started partying excessively and looking for my replacement the day after the discard. After 2 weeks, I told my friends and families and started intensive trauma therapy.  I got CPTSD and lost 37 lbs and fainted 2 times at work from weakness.

 I am 2 months NC and I do much better now and am still in weekly therapy. . But  I can not stop thinking about the last psychosis and the slap that made my eye sore for 2 days and the tortures following that. I was even calm and accommodating post-break-up so I won't trigger her more. Does she remember what she did? Does she ever feel guilty? she ruined my life, betrayed me over and over, and traumatized me when I did nothing wrong. Does she ever feel remorse? or she purred the bleach on our memories and her abuse and lives happily when I struggle with my trauma every day?