I consider myself recover-ing, but able to function. I've been in treatment since 2009 and feel like I've developed some fairly healthy life skills. I've kept a job now for a year and a half (which is a big deal as I could not keep one for a few months). I have my own hobbies that I've come to enjoy on my own instead of getting in to whatever hobby the person in my life is interested in.

All in all, it is far from perfect, there are still some anxieties and an urge to revert to old coping habits in the back of my mind... for example: I'm starting to allow people closer in to my life, but it is making me extremely nervous.

The thing I'm scared of is: how fast is too fast? how much is too much? I've started hanging out with someone a couple weeks ago, but I've been going over to his place on weekends. We'll spend a day hanging out, working out, talking about life. There is no sexual interest or anything of the sort. We don't talk or joke or flirt about sex, so it is refreshing.

The day after I started feeling weird: I don't normally spend that much time with people, or people outside of work, and I certainly don't let people know my issues (at all if I have to, as I'm afraid of them googling it and then never speaking to me again). After I thought about it, I felt a little intimidated by the fact that I am talking this way with someone I just met.

I know I should probably just roll with it, but I am honestly afraid of getting in to something chaotic all over again. But at the same time... I also feel like this is part of the whole push/pull anxiety from before. 

Part of working on developing my skills was to try and step back and understand that different people have different personalities, and that "not everyone is me" -- even if I don't agree with it, I would try to make the effort to assume that some people don't mind certain things that I would be bothered with, and the other way around.

But it's popping up all over again, trying to find reasons inside my head for what's wrong and pre-rationalizing why I should stop talking to him, stop hanging out, etc. I haven't actively taken steps towards it, or acted out in any way but it is in the back of my mind.