I get tired of being around my mom. I love my mom but it's too much - She's so extroverted but controlling/protective. I said I was feeling bad cuz I thought that she accused me of putting alcohol in my water (She said that she thought it was juice) and she said "I can't handle you always feeling bad" - It's not always but she doesn't understand. My negative symptoms are really bad, it was a beautiful day but I couldn't appreciate it. Her yelling at the TV for every goal when she was drunk really freaked me out last night. I don't enjoy sports - It's like I don't enjoy anything. I've been this way since I was 10-12. I try really hard to enjoy life. So I walked all the way back and took phenibut (Because I tried to quit - It's a Russian nootropic that lifts mood and allows me to be more social).

I told her "It's like bipolar - It's not my fault". Like do I WANT to be like this? Fuck no! I do everything I can/in my power to not feel bad (Including the 50 different drugs I took + meds) and it doesn't work. This is my default setting.  

I would do anything to not feel like this so I become suicidal as an escape - That's why that makes sense.