It’s been pretty up and down for the last few weeks. I start a new job on Monday. Quitting a part time low paying job I took just to try to barely keep up with last month’s bills. Borrowed money from my family - something I never had to do. And it humiliated me cause I’ve always took care of my own financial obligations.  So, here I am now. Just wanting to take a stupid bubble bath. With hot water to soothe muscle pains in my arm and back. There’s no hot water! I didn’t plan on the bubble bath - I take showers.

But I wanted to try to be nice to myself. I don’t do anything to give myself a break from beating up on myself, so I thought ‘take a nice hot bubble bath’. No hot water. Nothing wrong with my water heater, pipes didn’t freeze. Just life fucking with me. I keep trying because I keep hoping that whatever this dark abyss that keeps pushing me further into despair and depression - will take pity on me! 

I’m not strong anymore! I just want one simple thing to go right! Is that too much to ask for? For me the answer is “yes”. I’m tired. I just want one thing that I do for myself to go right. Just one stupid, spontaneous, NICE thing I do to give me the impression that my life isn’t worthless.