I've known that I've had BPD since I was 16, officially undiagnosed but my therapist at the time agreed that that was most likely what I had but diagnosed me with Bipolar 2 anyways.

Rewind to three weeks ago, I had a huge episode and I FREAKED out on my friends, telling them to kill themselves, lying to them, being horrifically mean and of course, in the process, losing all of them.

Fast forward to about a week and a half or so ago, the guy at was seeing ended things with me after two years by just ghosting me. The abandonment issues MAJORLY set in since it wasn't just a fear of abandonment now but a reality of my worst fears. I blew up his phone with about 300 text messages, creating different numbers on texting apps every 30 messages or so. Not my proudest moment but sometimes the hardest part is admitting what you've done. I was completely alone. No friends. My mom and I constantly scream at each other. I had nothing.

I was done. So completely and utterly done. I had my plan, I was going to kill him and myself. There was nothing stopping me except me, and I did. I stopped myself. 

I checked myself into the local hospital and I got into adult PHP within 3 days. I have been going to PHP for 5 days now (two of which were weekend days) and I don't hurt as much as I did. I have found coping skills and there are people in there that legitimately have hope for me and want to see me do better. I feel fragile, mind you, but I feel better. I officially got my BPD diagnosis and I'm starting abilify tomorrow as well as my treatment plan. Things are really looking up. I'm almost... happy? 

The best part: I got in communication with three of the seven friends I lost and they were never even mad just very very sad for me. 

I still hurt, so badly, I feel betrayed but I've made my first shaky baby steps towards what can be a truly fulfilling and happy future for myself and I feel something close to hope for my future for the first time in my life. Things can go well and get better for even the most lost and hopeless people.

 I love you all. Keep fighting the good fight.