So I came across this sub earlier today and was pleasantly surprised. The last time I looked up BPD on Reddit I came across all sorts of awful comments, so it's been really nice to find such a nice community. Anyway, I guess even though it's terrifying I feel safe sharing the insecurity that's destroying a potential relationship with the person I truly thought was The One.

I am impossibly, impossibly insecure about my looks. My love has gender identity disorder, so the vast majority of his friends are female, because he feels more comfortable around them. He has lived in Russia for the past 3 years and openly admits his friends are beautiful. This absolutely crushed me, and no matter how many times he says I am also beautiful, I can't let it go. I am not afraid of him cheating on me, but even looking at them and appreciating their beauty sends me into a spiral. I feel sick every time I look over and he is messaging yet another girl that looks like a high class call girl, even though they are truly only friends. I feel sick every time he goes back to Russia, I feel sick every time he so much as mentions Russia. I don't feel like the playing field is even. I don't have gorgeous male friends, even if he was the jealous type.

 I hate that I stalk his social media and feel ill every time he's liked a friend's photo. I even lost it when he told me he was thinking of getting a tattoo of a zombie pinup girl, because I felt it was disrespectful to me. I hate him for thinking pornography is OK in a relationship. He obviously thinks this is all ridiculous, and that I am controlling.

I just really feel crazy and need help. He really would go to the ends of the earth for me - we had talked about moving from Australia to Wales to be with me - but I'm ruining everything with my jealousy and hate. I consider myself a feminist but I hate any woman connected to my romantic life.