Because I basically have nobody to talk to, I hope to find some friends here to share my story with. I'm not sure how long this post will be but I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

So basically I'm a 24 year old guy. I was born in a strict Islamic househould with three older sisters. Our family has never been easy-going and basically I have grown up witnessing fights everyday. These fights sometimes got physical and my sisters had to endure severe beating a few times. Most of these fights were about very trivial things, like my sister wanting to go shopping with her best friend in a mall that's an hour away by train. Or when she wanted to wear skinny jeans one time. My mom went into her closet and cut all of her brand new jeans with scissors. In short, we've never been a happy family to start with.

Either way, while growing up I noticed that I was different from the others. Soon enough, when I was like 10 years old I started to discover that I was gay. Now, being gay is strictly forbidden in Islamic culture so I went through years of hating myself and being disgusted by myself. When I turned 12, my parents decided to circumcize me. Because I was already 12 years old, I was fully aware of what it meant and did absolutely not want it. My parents forced me to the hospital and held me down while the doctor cut my private parts with basically no anesthesia. It hurt so much that I screamed at the top of my lungs while my whole family was in the other room, hearing my screams, but thinking they were doing something good. This procedure caused me to lose much sensation in my private parts so intercourse is not the best feeling for me anymore.

Growing up, knowing I was gay, meant having to hide myself completely. I had to be careful how I acted and with whom I became friends. This went on my entire childhood and early adulthood. Coming out would mean that I will lose my whole family and I think they would also try to harm me. It would also mean that I would end up alone which also scares me a lot. I am 100% sure that they will abandon me if they knew, without hesisation. My sister even one time told me that she would lock me up in an institution if I would be gay.

Having to hide myself meant that I could never make true friends either, I only have one right now that I'm slowly letting go too (because he has the same ideology as my family). Besides being gay, I am also an atheist which I have to hide too. This means that I'm basically in a double-closet... I'm just so tired of this all, and I feel extremely alone. I do have a boyfriend right now who is very supportive. However, I have to see him in secret and be very cautious which is very tiring! I just want a normal life and I wish I had a family that supported me. I just feel SO alone and don't have a CLUE how to become happy...