17f. i've struggled with depression, ocd, derealization, and anxiety since i was probably 11 or 12. i wasn't born pretty, thin, or talented, and i never have been. i've wanted to end my life several times since i was in middle school because i knew my life would end up being very forgettable and plain, and the only thing that's kept me going is bad coping mechanisms AKA overeating and maladaptive daydreaming/escapism. yeah, i have a nice family and a couple close friends but that's really it. in another life i would be a talented and pretty musician with a nice voice. in this life, i'm a very mediocre nobody who's 60 pounds overweight, very average looking, isn't really good at anything, has 0 self confidence, is socially awkward, and has an unattractive voice. everyone always says i'm so young and that i shouldn't give up yet, but you have to see it from my viewpoint. having been going through this on and off for the past 6-7 years, watching other people my age become famous for their musical talents, people who are way more talented than me from my school getting into prestigious art schools, etc., i have no motivation to improve myself anymore. every piano lesson i take is a reminder that there are 10-year-olds that play better than me. every time i sit down to write music, there's a reminder that there's about a 3% chance i would be able to get anywhere as a musician even if i *was* super talented. i've gone through years of hard work since i was a kid trying to get better at dance, art, and music and i'm still so below average. i'm tired of trying to improve myself. i'm tired of *having* to improve myself. i'm tired of people telling me to suck it up. the only reason i'm staying right now is because i don't want to hurt my family or friends, and it's absolutely miserable sometimes. i have nothing to look forward to.