I was institutionalized from the ages of 8 to 18 and I am now 27 years old... I have tried every therapy and every medication you can think of and absolutely nothing has worked and I continue to suffer and guess what? My two beautiful children have to suffer right along side me.. fun fact: Bipolar 1 mania can last for weeks and sometimes months  and when in active mania the brain is literally seizing.. my poor children who can't have a normal mommy and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.. I have no family to help me and no friends because I am incredibly shy and weird.. it's no joke when I am punching my own teeth out or hitting myself in the chest or throat or ramming my head into a wall... Or when I accidentally hurt someone who is trying to get me to not hurt myself and it's so fucking awful... Unless you have seen someone with severe mental illness then you just don't understand that you have no quality of life.. when I am not manic you would never know that I am so sick so it just makes it worse for me and for my children whenever I get "sick again" and it takes everything in me not to just fucking throw myself into the big muddy or hang myself off the bridge near my house... I'm able bodied but not able minded and this disease has killed everyone I knew in the facilities growing up from either suicide or substance abuse... I feel like I'm the last one who is still fighting this fight and how much longer can I go one.. I do this for my children but I also feel like I should just end my life so their dad can find a mommy who will love them the way they deserve and me the mommy I could never ever be... Fuck I want to live but fuck I want to die