I've been dealing with bpd for most of my adult life. I have a horrible social anxiety side that I've tackled and eliminated the part of it that prevented me from doing social things and even things like making important phone calls or talking to strangers. However, still, whenever I speak, even to my friends, I feel like I just shouldn't have spoken. The reactions I get even if it's something benign are soul crushing, I can read it in their eyes and their responses or lack thereof. It also often feels like conversations with me are meant to be one sided, like people just talk to talk and don't actually want me to contribute or say anything.

I don't know what to do. I hate myself more and more with each day and each instance of opening my dumb mouth. But when I'm quiet and don't speak, I get treated like a pariah as well. I can't fucking win and I want to blow my brains out because I clearly wasn't meant to be human. No one really likes me, I try to like myself but it's fucking lonely out here. Only once has another person listened to me when I spoke and actually engaged, and I blew my relationship up with her in a tremendous fashion and now no one, absolutely no one out there listens.