TRIGGER WARNING: Mental illness (Anxiety, Depression) and references to childhood abuse and toxic / unnacceptable behavoir by former friends (shown pornography and used slurs after I said I didn't like it)

I have online friends - some are just people in my Twitter timeline who I just meme a bit with, and others are close friends who we play games, support each other, watch videos together, mail packages to each other, and I hold them dearly. Whenever there is conflict with them (Whether I am at fault, or the other person is) I get crippling anxiety that is so bad I cannot do anything productive and feel physically sick. This goes for IRL friends too, but I just left highschool and went to college during quarantine so I did not have irl friends at the moment to use as examples right now.

The most recent event is being ignored by a now-previous 'mutual' who I felt close to and enjoyed his company. I understand we were not close by any means, and just ditching me out of no where with no fault of my own means it was a good thing for this person to have left me as they are problematic, but it still tears me up inside. It gave me harsh stomach pain and the anxiety was so devastating. 

Normally this can last up to two weeks with a minimum of three - ish days. I was able to cope better than usual because 1- we were not as close as other people who left me were (Most proved to be toxic to other people later on, I mean it IS Twitter, so I know the reason people leave me is most likely not a fault of mine) 2 - I have two good friends who we are now on discord together and we do a plethora of stuff together, 3 - I have an idea of why he left and it involves a clash I had with another person online (I do not believe I am in the wrong at all in that scenario).

I just want to re-iterate this phenomena happens to my IRL friends too, otherwise I'd just not talk to people online. Most recent I had irl friends from my previous job suddenly vanish in August, they blamed me for... Generalized behavoir and did not say anything specific, and looking back on our relationship it was so toxic and hurt me. As in showing me unsolicited porn and using slurs for a minority I am apart of. Even still, losing these horrible people hurt me in ways so bad I became dysfunctional.

My few ideas of this phenomenon is 1) I was heavily abused as a child and made to feel that everything wrong was my fault, and this is a remnant of that thinking. I also used to have a deep fear of being abandoned, so this also may reside in my mind somewhere.

2) I am atypical. I have Aspergers, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and more that I believe are irrelevant for this post.

I am sorry if this post is confusing as I am trying to condense as much information about my situation as short as possible.