Sleeping is stressful. Waking up doesnt feel very nice. I wake up and just dont know what's going on. I sometimes just lay in my bed for hours. I cant comprehend my existence a lot. Like it feels really grey. Identity is not a black and white issue. I'm not what I see in the mirror yet I control that. I don't know how I project whoever I am. But people seem to react positively. I feel like I'm lying to people. I need to confess some stuff to them. I cannot handle this because I'm terrified. I don't want them to confiscate books or restrict what I can watch and listen to. 

It's like they read into everything I do. I'm not allowed to do anything. I have a doctors appointment soon. I don't want to talk. They want me on meds. I don't want that. I dont want to start that again. I keep telling them I'm ok. But I need to take them because if I dont I will not have much freedom. It pisses me off. My siblings dont have to deal with this. Well if I take my meds I cant really drink or smoke weed. But I'm not really allowed to drink because I vomited onto the wall. I didnt clean it up. Except the other day, I drank about 8 shots in a cup. I then smoked a lot of weed. I just was glued to my bed. I was out of it. I felt myself peeing but forgot about it til I stood up and my pants and t shirt were soaked. I hid them because I dont want people to know that I drank a lot. I'm also scared because I will probably get hospitalized and I feel like I'm trying to avoid that. I don't want to leave home. Every weekend I stay with relatives. I enjoy it but it feels weird. They make comments about stuff I dont like. I'm forced to take showers there and wear socks. Also I have to brush my hair and make sure my clothes are clean. I feel embarassed because I have a hard time with my hair. Then I feel guilty. Also the social interactions are weird. I feel uncomfortable being asked about my goals and future. Also sometimes I have a hard time answering questions. People think I have an attitude issue. I don't always respond or answer correctly.

Also my family treats me weird. Like they accept me but I'm definitely a bit embarassing and annoying for them. I say things I shouldnt say. I definitely make guests feel uncomfortable occasionally. Also I sometimes do things I shouldnt. I'm always getting in trouble for something. Its awkward to get pulled aside and told not to do something.