It’s the typical “pretty smart girl with her shit together” getting stuck with the meth head felon.  I have BPD and he’s bipolar. We’ve been together for 3 years. He’s spent half of it in prison. He’s currently been in for the past year.

I have my own house, job, &amp; vehicle. I work my ass off. My BPD is extreme and I blame it for the relationship. I know I wouldn’t be with him if I didn’t have BPD. He has used me for a place to crash, food to eat, rides around town for our entire relationship. I’ve spent thousands on him just this past year for phone calls and food and other commodities he needed in prison. You can imagine the amount of money he’s had me spend on him while he’s home.

He would get high and show up to my house and get paranoid and hold me hostage for hours until his paranoia wore off. Held knives to my neck for entire nights. He’s put his hands on me several times. Every day I would get up and force myself to work just to come home to him still passed out at 7pm, having wrecking my house and eaten all the groceries. 

I’m not a saint but I definitely deserve more. He’s been locked up for a year and has 6 more months to go. He fills my head with promises that he never keeps and tells me things are going to be different this time. I know they won’t be different.

I blocked the prison number and took him off my jail messaging app. How do I stick with it? I always run back to him bc I literally have no one else. He’s not only my FP but my only person. But I know I’m better off completely alone than to be used by him. 

I’m miserable and desperate and I’m genuinely asking for help. Thank you.