Sorry if this is a long post. I just needed to get this out because I just don’t know who else to talk to or what to do. 
I haven’t felt this bad since I was 18, the time I attempted suicide for the first time which got me hospitalized for 3 weeks. It’s getting to that point again for me. I’m scared, I feel lost, and I feel like I can’t reach out to anyone. My doctor has been trying me on different antidepressants to try to get me feeling under control again. I was on sertaline for 8 weeks and I feel like all it did was numb me. I didn’t cry the entirety I was on it. I felt more angry than I usually do. I felt like I was just..not me. I had no idea who I was. And today he decided to try me on ciprolex. Which I can’t even get until next week. So I feel even more out of control. I’ve cried basically all day. All I wanted to do was hurt myself. I kept digging my finger nails into my legs and neck so I’d stop from thinking of cutting again. I can’t stop the intrusive thoughts. I can’t stop the voices from telling me to just do it. What’s the point. I might lose my job come October 1st, so I feel even more stuck. I’m scared.