I'm 22M, college student, I have a fetish about imagining myself as the woman when I watch porn or in my fantasies in my mind. I like being a man and I identify myself as that, but sexually I also have that side. Everyone says that people with this fetish are trans in reality and develop gender dysphoria and have to transition and I'm just so incredible depressed because I don't want to transition nor be a woman.

 I'm content being a male and becoming a woman would mean losing my whole family, my friends, my future job and go homeless. If I have to transition one day I'm doomed to misery. I'm not from the US, here trans people are treated like shit. 

 This has been ruining my life for the last 2 years and I've been considering suicide for many months. 

To try to ease this suffering I tried playing the guitar, but I developed tendinitis. 
I started doing volunteering work 2 times a week which helps during those days, but it's not enough and I barely have any energy at all and I just lay down on the sofa all day watching TV on the rest of the days. 
I'm so incredibly depressed that my only way out is if I will kill myself soon, which I will do.