It was a simple job. Fast food, so it was high stress and fast-paced. I have plenty of experience in restaurants, fast food, and customer service. I worked for two days and then had one day off. That one day off really messed me up. I did so well when I was at work. When I start a new job they always tell me I'm great and that it's a relief how incredible I am and that I don't need extensive training.

This kind of causes me to hyper focus on my mistakes and since I'm not entirely perfect I see myself as useless. Not to mention the physical strain of working. I couldn't bring myself to go to work yesterday or today. It sent me spiraling yesterday. I couldn't tell them I wasn't going in. I just wanted to die. How annoying and pathetic can I be? I can't handle a job? It's seriously disgusting. It's putting a strain on my relationship. I wish I could leave our house and never return. I wish I could disappear. My partner doesn't deserve having to deal with me. They worry about me and want me to do well. I wish I could commit myself to the hospital here, but all of the ones around here are absolutely horrid. There's no other way to get immediate help and I don't have months to wait for an appointment. I don't even have the courage to make an appointment. None of it seems worth it because I *always* end up back at the bottom. I have never been the type to fight through it. I'll be the first to say I'm a pathetic coward and I deserve to live in this turmoil that I've created myself. I just wish I didn't have to bring others down with me. This is why I had been single for over eight years.

This is now my fourth job in the past year. Not to mention the months of unemployment when covid first kicked off. I never even got unemployment from the government so I'm not sure how I've survived this long. My jobs all go the same way, I kick ass and do incredible at first, but my anxiety quickly gets the best of me. Also rage. I get pissed off that things don't go perfectly. I get mad at myself and everyone else. I take my jobs way too seriously. Working with customers also causes me a ton of stress. For people observing me I seem completely fine. Once I start to crack and break everyone gets extremely confused. How is this happening when they saw how great I was up until this point? Am I supposed to always be upfront and honest about having bpd? Do I tell them before or after I get hired? It's embarrassing being hindered by bpd... I can't blame my diagnosis for my behavior. At the end of the day it all falls on me, not bpd. I don't want to use it as an excuse, but moreso a reason. Thanks for letting me vent here. I have a few other things I'd like to touch on, but I feel deep shame for how I affect others. It feels better being able to let it out. I've sat like a mummy in front of my partner for the past couple of days. As they beg me to get out of bed and get ready for work. As they try to even have a basic conversation with me. I just sit there. Unable to be honest. Unable to say how I truly feel out of fear of repercussions or being misunderstood.