i have a strong urge to delete all of my accounts just because i feel unwanted. i feel like people have to go out of their way to talk to me, and that im not important. i feel like im kind of just set to the side everywhere i go, and that as much as i value someone that it's not important and it doesn't matter. i feel like my boyfriend is losing interest- i had a small conversation about it a few weeks ago with him and he said he's not but i still feel like it. i was fine a few days after that conversation, but then the feeling just came back. i feel like i value him way more than i probably should compared to a healthy manner- i want to spend every single second of my life with him, i want to be with him, i want to make memories with him- but lately he's been busy the past month or so. he's been gaming or off talking to friends and having delayed messages to me. he gets back, sure, but then he ends up leaving again within the next few minutes. i feel selfish. i feel selfish for wanting attention and wanting to have a conversation with him- and when i talked to him lightly about it he told me to communicate. he said to communicate if i want to hang out with him and he'll make time for me- and that though its not a bad thing he thinks im too dependent on him but i just- i feel like a bother and i feel like if i communicate that and ask to hang out that im dragging him away from where he wants to be. if he wanted to hang out then he'd willingly ask or bother with me himself, right? i dont want to bother him, i want him to be able to do the things he is in the mood for and wants to do rather than having to step to the side because of me- yet i just kind of sit here lost. i feel set to the side, and i feel like i probably never cross his mind when hes off doing other things with other people. yet when i try to engage in a conversation with my friends, it feels wrong that he's not there. he's like the other half of me, and i can't get myself to be in an atmosphere he's not in. i dont know how he's able to game for so many hours without thinking to see if i said anything- i simply cant even go a minute without thinking if he replied or if he's okay or what he's up to.

i just feel alone, yet i just want everyone to be happy. i want him to do what hes in the mood to do, to hang out with the people he wants to hang out with- and i want my friends to do the same. i want everyone to be happy because that makes me happy, yet the past few nights ive just cried and cried because i didnt feel important. i dont feel like i ever have his attention anymore- even for the small bits throughout the day when were together and hes talking to me it just seems so uninterested. i feel out of place for getting so excited and hyped whenever he texts me, when he probably just sees my messages and carries on with his day and plans a time when to get back to me. i cant tell if im overthinking but i just- i feel like im overly putting in effort, but thats so selfish of me. thats selfish of me to want to ask for more- for me to ask for his undivided attention, to take away his attention from something he's doing- that just feels so selfish- just so i can feel something- i cant live with that. i cant live with having snatched his attention away from what he wanted to do just so he could be by me.

when i talked about it to my friend she said im not selfish, and that im the least selfish person shes ever met. she said its understandable, im his girlfriend. he should bat an eye towards me, devote at least some attention towards me- but its- he does talk to me- i just feel like im asking for so much out of him. thats controlling. i dont want to be controlling, i dont want to be that partner. i just want him to be happy, but it hurts me inside seeing how hard i am on my own self for feeling alone and how much i cry to myself over something like sitting in silence knowing hes probably laughing and smiling in a call with others

i just miss him. everytime i think about when we use to hang out for hours and hours on end i cry. i miss when it was us, when there was no distractions, when for some reason he had his attention on me. i just cant help but feel like he's losing interest- and i know hes not, i trust him- i just- maybe my love language is quality time or something and his isnt. maybe his is just words of affirmation, so me saying i love him is enough for him yet for me i need the action- the action that he's here, not the words.

i dont know what to do with myself, i just think im an idiot. part of me is just glad im self aware to where i wont say anything about it, to where im not stripping him from what makes him happy and the games he's devoting his attention to- because i want him to be happy. but the other part of me cant help but look back at myself and call myself an idiot light heartedly. how i cry to myself every night then go ":D" in texts just because i want him to be happy. im such an idiot in love, it's ridiculous. i never thought i'd sacrifice so much of myself for someone, but here we are- i really need to stop dehumanizing my feelings :")

im trying to get better- i want to get better for him. i want to do better. i want to stop being what seems like so dependent on him getting back to me and devoting attention to me but its just hard. its hard when all i want to do is just be near him again and have a conversation with him. all i want to do is hear him tell me how his day was, everything that happened in it, and listen. all i want to do is hug him. i want to hear him tell me its okay, and i want him to just be here- i cant even tell if what im feeling is valid or not anymore. one second i think im valid for it, that im his girlfriend and wanting attention is understandable, but the other second im wanting to punch and beat myself and constantly calling myself, selfish, controlling and needing to be understanding that he's an induvial and can have his own time with people and he doesnt have to give me attention every single day and that hes not obligated to get back to me and that its probably just the honey moon phase wearing off and that theres probably suppose to just be this line of "i love you " that we both acknowledge then go about our days without constantly yearning for affection or talking to each other but its just hard when i look at people like my sister who have known someone for such a long time and hang out with them all of the time and even though they have times apart, theyre always still glued to each others hip and always hanging out 

i feel alone, and i feel guilty. i feel like im being too controlling. i need to stop being controlling. i want this to last, i want to communicate- but i feel like im putting in way too much effort. i need to just stop and calm down. i need to be able to exist on my own- but its hard when all i want to do is just be there for him and with him like we come in a pair 

anyways im sorry for rambling- i dont know where else to talk about this and god i want to communicate this all but its so hard because i dont want to make him blame himself, i dont want him to feel down- he's just being happy. i dont want to be some form of guilt tripping- and i dont want him to feel guilty because something hes spending his time doing and is making him happy is making my upset. i dont want that. i dont want him to feel down just because im feeling down. thats all hes doing- he found something that makes him happy and hes devoting his time to it. that makes me so happy, i want him to be happy- but i really need to learn how to speak up if its affecting me- but god that just feels selfish.

i really want to go to therapy about this but im 16 and theres a lot of factors like my parents wanting to bud in and know exactly why and everything and just- the therapist i have doesnt understand long distance relationships and im very confident her resolution would be just "find someone here" but i dont want that. he's the love of my life, and im going to figure out how to make this work. i love him more than the miles between us.

anyways moral of the story i currently really want to delete my account because i noticed something that showed he was online at some point during the day today and he hasnt gotten back to me at all so im just sitting here super mad at myself with no valid reason and just wanting to delete my account because at the end of the day i feel like everyone just has to find time for me and has to step away just for me and i dont want that. i dont want people to go all the way out of the way for me. ill suck it up and ill cry, its fine. it always ended up being fine.