CW: Mention of suicide and self harm

I wouldn’t say it’s getting worse, just changing. I used to have this violent, numbing, hurtful depression. I would describe it as quite intense.

But as time has gone by it just isn’t as intense, it’s just dull depression, to call it some way. Not only my depression but it seems every emotion has become numb.

I still get exited when I watch TV, and feel sad, and angry but it just doesn’t feel like I’m feeling those emotions. 

I have a harder time focusing on stuff, I have scattered thoughts and can’t seem to think clearly, I don’t think much

Also, I feel like, in some point, my mind broke... I don’t know how to describe it. There’s a small child in my mind, he wants to play and be taken care of but he isn’t of course. I don’t feel like a whole person 

I change emotion like I change underwear, maybe in a day, maybe in weeks, maybe in months.

I used to self harm a lot but I don’t anymore, and sometimes I wish I could but I’ve come to understand my body isn’t only mine, I feel guilty even thinking about it

I have suicidal thoughts but not much I can do about that either, just imagine it some days

I can’t cry much anymore, I’ve blocked it out. I used to lie on the floor when everything felt like to much or even write none-sense, it was cathartic in some way. Now I’m ashamed of even doing that, I don’t know why

I waned to better my circumstances, do stuff I like to cheer myself up, do well in school to not carry that, y’know. But I can’t either, because I don’t have the time because of school and even if I had I wouldn’t use that time because I’m not stable enough

I had 6 months and I didn’t do anything I wanted with it, I can’t even do simple stuff like reading anymore 

And I don’t know what to do anymore... I can’t even resort to apathy for good measure 

There is no escape, no escape, I’ll stay alive tomorrow, and do my stuff and that will be it.

There are no more tears, no more blood, everyone can be calm now, everyone can be better now

I’ve tried talking to my therapist about it, she dismisses it, she’s been focusing in me being trans which is nice but I still need help in the other stuff.

I’ve tried talking to my mom, just the surface, and she says I am crazy, every is too occupied and I get it to be honest 

I just don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t know where to go, I think I’m invisible 

I’m considering relapse is my better choice right now, it’s easier I guess, but I have no time to do it anyway 

Well, that’s it, stuck here in limbo I guess, one has to get used to it and appreciate the knot in my throat because there won’t be much more