I could write you a LOOOOONG list of reasons I feel I am not meant to be on this earth 

And my only reason for why I am meant to be here is, what are the chances otherwise? Meaning… I’m alive and a human why throw that away? I understand how valuable this is. I WANTED to try for so long to have a nice life for myself 

I try with school … I try with work … I’m trying to make this life work the best I can but it’s just not working. Think of everything that could go wrong, it feels like that is what’s happening. I feel like I messed up a lot of my life and If I went in to detail you would agree, I did mess up. I’m 23 I should have time to fix what I did but I don’t even know if I WANT to. I just don’t know what I want to do. 

My brain for 5+ years has been working to rationalize death. Right now it makes sense to me to leave…but part of me wishes I didn’t rationalize it. But it’s too late for that, I already rationalized it. I don’t think I would be a good mom, I don’t know if I would ever even find a boyfriend, I don’t know if I’ll be successful. Yeah I want to be but it just feels like the world is working against me. Overall … I don’t know what there is for me here. I feel like there is nothing. 

If I remain here I’ll remain someone with depression who has got a list of issues… it’s like… is it worth trying anymore? 

And no it’s not really sad in my opinion. There are legit reasons I feel so wrong and if I can’t ever feel right what am I doing here ? I wish I could just ask God… why am I here? Purpose aside, if I can’t enjoy it why would I stay… idk