Just when I thought things were finally better, I’m right back to where I began if not, feeling even worse. The hardest part for me is like, I feel like I’m watching everything happen from somewhere far back in my mind…I’m not even sure if that makes any sense but I just had one of the biggest freak outs to date. I’m 24 and had to move back home with my parent due to financial reasons (I.e I have no fucking money because I can’t get my spending under control, ie ie I spend all my money on food because I can’t stop eating.) Anyways, my room is underneath my little brothers and for the past while I’ve been trying to tolerate the noise, and I hate that everyone feels like they need to walk on eggshells around me so I’ve been bottling up the frustration. Well today, I clearly couldn’t take it anymore so I went upstairs *calmly* to try and figure out where it was coming from. Immediately my mom being her snarky self made me feel like I was crazy when right off the rip I made it clear I was a little overstimulated. It’s like a flip switched in me immediately and I started screaming about how I want the noise to stop and that my head is overloaded, I started pulling my hair and as if in slow motion I started slamming my head against the wall…it’s like my arms were trying to stop me but I just could not stop. I’ve never done that before…my mom began threatening to take me back to the hospital (I was admitted to the psychiatric ward a few months ago) and if anything, that made it worse. I started threatening to beat her if she even tried which is NOT me, I would NEVER in a million years do anything to harm my mom…I don’t know who that was and I hate it. I hate that it’s like I lose control. And now my mind won’t stop spinning and telling me I should have just ended it that day and I wouldn’t be doing things like this to my family. I just want it to go away.