Hi. First time posting on reddit, feels kinda weird. I had an Instagram account to dump everything but I stopped using it since long ago. Some details about me:female, just turned 19, asian mum raised me. The latter resumes pretty much the reason behind my character. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Tried to take my life twice, obviously failed. I've been in the psychiatric ward for a total of a month. Almost failed to graduate from high school. I have self harmed myself for one year during middle school. Adolescence pretty much took the innocence in my life. So, with this brief introduction, I shall start tell you the current situation.  
I am currently enrolled at a notorious university in Venice for language studies, I'm currently studying Japanese: my final goal is to graduate by 2025 and then somehow find a way to move to Japan and study voice acting and eventually debuting as a voice actress, a seiyuu. This has been my dream since I was 14.  
Now, I'm going to be realistic: I don't have the financial possibility to do that. (Oh gosh, I'm tearing up) Though, I still go around kind of screaming out that. Not joking when I say I'm thinking of selling one kidney or part of my liver, actually even though of selling one eye. This is how much I'm desperate to realize this dream of my. Honestly speaking, this is kind my reason of living, I do not have other goals in my life or other passion or something I want to do apart from this.  
Now, I'm currently feeling demotivated: I always had something around minus zero self-esteem, so I don't feel confident about anything, apart my voice and the character I made up for myself: a girl who's quite lively, a chatterbox, super social butterfly and a bit dumb. Kind of a animeish girl, if you know what I mean. I was also confident about my language skills, especially English, which is the first language I feel in love with, my literal first love. But now, at uni, I really I'm not particularly good at anything. My department's student are pretty original in their styles (I saw people going to class dressed like they were going to an anime convention or a maid cafe) and are super talented: someone in my class knows fluently 3 languages (I know 5, but I speak fluently only two), someone else has a C1 in English (pretty much and advanced English speaker, almost at a native speaker level), another one has a self-taught N2 in Japanese (again, almost a native speaker level), they have stunning visual or are musically talented... Anyways, I feel like those few things I had "affinity" with after all was not a big deal. I always thought I had a pretty decent level of English (I was praised by some native speakers, thus why i got my hopes high), that my Japanese definitely need more study but for a self-taught beginner was ok, that my singing skill were rough but above average and with some study and proper guidance could have been something nice, that my visual was nothing stunning but at least decent and "original" (I was one of the few Chinese people in my village) and that I was somehow smart (the classic "has the brain but doesn't use"). All these small beliefs, build during the years, that kept my hopes alive, where crushed in a matter of days.   
I feel lost, my goal is still the same but my little confidence was destroyed and the plan I had to reach my objective seems more a ridiculous black humor joke. Moreover I feel vulnerable at the moment as I recently quit my part time at an escape room, which I actually enjoyed, but my co-worker was shitty enough to put me in the spot to have to choose between work or mental health. This blow was enough to make all my preoccupations and inferiority complex to crush me mercilessly. I am currently in a long distance relationship with a super nice guy, whom character is amazing but I feel less sure abut his physique: I know this is something I should not say, but I'm more into Asian looking guys and he aesthetically doesn't fit in, but I feel confortable around him and I'm sure I have had feelings for him, but now, I feel unsure: moving out of my village made me realize that asian good looking guys actually exist in real life, not only on social medias and dramas. On top of that, we haven't been able to meet for almost a 10 months. But I also feel obligated towards him because he supported me during my tough days and still supports me and is trying to movr here to get closer to me. I definitely feel obligation toward his efforts, but I'm not sure about my feelings anymore.  
I don't really know what to do about all this shitty events anymore, I feel completely drained emotionally and physically, I'm so unsecure about my weight but I'm mostly binge eating for the stress, I barely made it out from the suicidal thoughts vicious circle but now I'm steps away from re-entering and last but not least, all this shit is having bad influence on my uni life and studies.  
I'm really lost and don't know what to do, does anyone have suggestions or anything that may help me? ***Please***, I'm literally *begging* you on my knees.