Once again feeling suicidal due to how alone I am. I have friends, so I shouldn't feel that way, but I truly feel alone. People don't know who I am or what I'm like because it's more natural for me to hide myself in plain sight. To just be invisible and like everyone else. To just fit myself into the boxes I see everyone else fit in so naturally. But I don't fit, and I feel so undesirable and far away from others? I just don't understand how every one so naturally can gain close friendships and a partner. It just feels so hard. 

And I feel like the world is telling me to just be myself, but that's exactly the kind of thing that would be unappealing. I don't know how to be myself and be what people would accept at the same time. I'm so envious! I'm so bitter! And resentful! And jealous! And depressed! And self-loathing! No one wants to see that. I don't want anyone else to see that. And I don't want to be that, but I don't know how to stop either. I'm just so sad about this, haha. So many fundamental parts of my being are things that are worthy of reproach. 

I say that I want to be special, but really I just want to be fucking normal like every one else. I honestly feel more suicidal than I have in a while. I'll be fine -- I won't do anything drastic. But wow, I hate this