Hello fellow’s with bipolar disorder.
I am stuck on what to do with myself, heres a little background information about me. 
I am a 22yo male and i have been diagnosed with type 1 bipolar. I have been hospitalized 4 times since 2017. I have been on zyprexa but it made me feel too sluggish and out of it. After the fourth time being hospitalized. I got put on abilify. In the start it seemed to help me but now i feel really depressed and anxious all the time. My current doctor is saying i dont even have bipolar when all my doctors in the past are sure that i have it. I want to believe what my current doctor is saying and get off the meds but i dont want to go back to making reckless decisions and losing my friends and family. Lately on abilify i have been feeling so anxious and depressed. I feel like i dont belong anywhere. I used to go out with my friends and be really social with everyone but now i feel like i am so negative with myself to the point where i stay in my room all the time. I cant keep eye contact with anyone, I feel so down and depressed. In the past when i have gotten off the meds i would be happier and more content with life. But then after a couple of months i would start sleeping less and drinking/smoking weed. I would start to be impulsive and reckless which these are typical manic behaviors. I know i cant stay like this where i feel so down and anxious and just hating my self and my life but if i get off the meds then ill feel better but it wont last and ill end up back in the hospital. What should i do? I am one semester away from finally graduating college and i want to graduate but in the past getting off my meds made me take off two semesters in order to recalibrate myself after getting out of the hospital. I dont know whether i should get off the meds or continue the abilify and feel shitty all the time or start taking anti depression meds. Im really lost. If i get off the meds then I know my family and gf will not support my decision. And tbh even though i would love being off the meds i dont think that its wise because i will likely end up in the hospital again. But staying on these meds makes me feel like i should just kill my self and be over with it. I just want to be happy. Not too happy where its manic but not too depressed which is where i am right now. Please help if you have any experience with bipolar, bipolar meds. Which route have i not thought of. Maybe you guys know of different meds. certain things i can do? Thank you so much in advance