Hi all. I don’t know where to put this.

I am fed up living with this god awful disorder and I would give up whatever it takes to not have it. If a doctor presented me with a chainsaw and said, “saw off your leg without anesthetic right now and you’ll be relieved of your borderline disorder for the rest of your life,” I’d saw off my fucking leg. 

All in a days work, I feel worthless, elated, vulnerable, disgusting, empowered, exhausted. The slightest change in my environment triggers mood swings, positive to negative or negative to positive. The people around me struggle to keep up, always asking questions, always confused why I’ve started crying when it seems to them that nothing could have possibly triggered me. I don’t understand it either and I don’t have the motivation to try and explain when it goes in one ear and out the other for them... They aren’t the ones living with BPD.

It seems like I am a landmine, set off by the weight of a feather floating to the ground. I am unpredictable. I have yet to be discovered, yet to receive treatment. My personality is either from the pills psychiatrists shove in my face or from stealing traits I like about other people.

I am a copy. A fake. A balloon covered in stickers if you will - a conglomeration of things on the outside, hollow on the inside. I could never be my own person, I feel trapped, like the only thing that defines me is my trauma. 

I used to be scared of abandonment, terrified of it, actually. It feels like now, I don’t even care. I know that I’m too much to handle. I know why these people are leaving me. 

I wish I could get a handle on it.