Sorry if this post gets too long but I feel like no one else will listen or care about my feelings or my problems. I guess I'll start where I think my self hatred started to form. In high school I was a very talented artist, I loved to draw and I would do it every day, it was the only thing I wanted to do and I couldn't really see myself working a 'regular' job. I really wanted to go to this art college in my city that was really hard to get into, and you needed to have an amazing portfolio. I worked really hard to try to get into the college and I did, with a decent scholarship at that too. I remember being very happy and proud, but soon I realized that even with the scholarship I would needed a crap ton of money. Long story short I couldn't go to the college that I wanted without taking out a very big loan and ended up going to a regular community college. I was miserable there, I felt like a failure for not going to the college I wanted to go to. I think this was the beginning of my depression, and after a wasted year of attending classes I didn't want to go to and staying in my dorm room by myself (I hadn't made any friends there) I decided to drop out. After laying around the house for a month my mom told me I had to get a job, even though I hated the idea of getting one, I got a job at a fastfood restaurant. At first I was only working part time, but then I my boss asked me if I could start working forty hours because they needed the help, and I agreed because I really didn't have anything better to do. And ever since then for about five years I feel like I've been stuck in this loop of going to work for eight hours going home feeling exhausted for like six days a week, and since I now had disposable income I would spend all my spare time playing video games and eating junk food. And it felt like over time I felt more miserable and I didn't know why, but every day I felt like something was consuming my head with negative feelings and thoughts. Then one day I had a really stressful day then hour work day, and when I got home I just broke down, i started sobbing in my bed for hours and i didn't know why i felt so horrible. The next day I left home and told my job and my family I was taking a vacation with a friend, but really I had just left to a nearby city and got a hotel for a couple of days to be alone.

Having time alone to myself for a while made me realize something, I hate myself. And all my problems are my own fault. I feel like I just suck, like the worst type of person and I hate to be left alone with my thoughts because when I am the negative thoughts in my head get stronger and I can't handle them, and I think that's why I spend so much time watching youtube and playing video games, because they distract me from my mind. I think it's why I hate trying to fall asleep, because that's also when all the thoughts and negative emotions start to infiltrate my mind the most, which is why my sleep schedule would mess up. When I figured out that I hate myself It almost felt like everything made sense, not only why I was miserable all the time, but also why I distanced myself from people, it's not because of them, it's me, who would wanna hang around me anyways? The reason I'm 23 year old virgin and never had a relationship before? Well why would anyone want to date me in the first place, let alone be near me? I'm always miserable, have no ambition, I'm awkward, and I'm just terrible to be around in general. What made me feel even more like trash was the fact that i found out my high school crush is a famous tik-tocer/ live streamer (if I told you who she was you'd probably know her) and is making more money in a year than I have in my five years of working my crappy job. And a friend from high school who was in my art classes has a video game coming out this year. Finding this out made me feel even more crappier than I already have been. Because I regret so many things I could have done, or have done better. It's one thing when you try and fail, atleast you can say that you tried, but when you never even gave yourself      a chance to try, then you have no one to blame but yourself. And I hate myself so much for that reason.

After I got back from "vacation" I went to my boss and told him to cut my hours down to 20 a week because I was too stressed out to continue working the way I had been. People at work started asking me why I cut my hours down, when I told them that I was just too stressed to work anymore and needed time to myself I nearly got laughed out the building. This isn't just at work either I've even tried to talk to some friends and my mom about my self hatred and depression, but it feels like no one takes me seriously, or says I have it easy and have no reason to be depressed. This is due to a couple of reasons 1) I live with my mom and don't pay any bills, rent or have any real big responsibilities. 2) People think I'm rich, lazy,  privileged and spoiled. I remember one time I was talking to some friends and I mentioned that I have a about $30,000 in my savings while working at my job for so long (which isn't a whole lot of money to me). Ever since then people have been spreading rumors around my neighborhood and at work that I'm rich and just horde my money. Basically no one thinks I have a reason to be depressed, or doesn't take me seriously. I'm always told by someone "You, think you have it hard? You have the easiest life." Then I proceed to get told all the reasons why the person I'm talking to has it harder than me: "I have bills and rent to pay to pay, you don't. All you do is buy video games" "My bank account is in the negative and they're trying to take my car." "I have a kid to raise and another on the way. I have no free time to myself. How are you the one who is depressed here?" It makes me feel like my problems don't matter because people have it worse then me, like I have no reason to be depressed, which makes me hate myself even more for feeling this way. I feel so alone, like I can only rely on myself, and having this feeling of self hatred makes it harder for me to rely on myself. Every day that passes feels like I'm just waiting for it to end and for the next one to begin. 

I've tried to help myself slowly by making adjustments to my life and trying to get back into drawing. But since I haven't drawn in while my skill level sucks. I hate looking at what I draw  because it looks like crap to me. If I took out my portfolio and old sketch books from years ago it would look like another person had drawn them. It makes me feels like crap having how far I've fallen from where I was. And when try to sit down and focus I can hear my own inner voice telling me that I suck and I should give up because I'll never be any better than use to be, and it cause me even more self hatred. My sleep has gotten a bit better, someone online recommended I try listening to asmr while trying to sleep, specifically of people whispering positive affirmations. This is something  that I feels helps me the most because I really want affection. It doesn't have to be sexual, but to have someone tell me that everything is gonna be ok and give me praise for my efforts means the world to me, even if it isn't real. It has helped in me not be consumed by my negative thoughts while trying to sleep. I'm going to keep trying to improve myself, there are days where I feel like doing absolutely nothing but staying in bed, some where I just wanna disappear, and some where I try to distract myself with mindless videos and video games that I have even started losing pleasure in playing. But I try to get a little done at least every day.

I want to change, I hate hating myself and I want to find pleasure in things I enjoy again. It feels good to get this out there and try to put how I feel into writing. Thank you if you made it to the end of my ramble/pouring my heart out. Sorry I'm not the best at wording things, but I think I mostly got my point across.