I’m going through a really hard breakup right now, I got lots of things ripped away from me including my apartment and my cat. (He cheated but I’m the one suffering, makes sense.)
Half the time I feel like nobody believes me, what I’m going through in my head. I’m staying with my mom until I’m back on my feet, but I feel like a burden. 
Today I painted for 3 hours, and during those 3 hours I was able to turn my brain off. I put my headphones in and listened to music and just dotted the canvas with bright colors and I was able to stop thinking about the situation I’m in. 
And then I came to the end of my creation and back to work my brain went. 
I am constantly up and down, and something my now ex really helped me with was keeping myself level, I didn’t have to think, I was just constantly in motion, never having to use my brain for much. He kept me busy, he kept noise around me. Now it’s just silent. All I’m left with are my thoughts and let me tell you they are dangerous. Especially when you’re living with somebody who doesn’t believe in mental illness. Another reason why I chose to not take meds, aside from having no insurance and not wanting to admit to myself that I do have a problem and it’s getting serious and really breaking me down. 
Im still trying to understand just exactly what’s going on in my head and it sucks feeling like you’re the only one feeling it, even though I know I’m not. I know there’s so many other people going through these things in their head on a day to day basis like me, and I’m so sorry to everybody who feels these things. I wish I could take everybody’s pain away including my own. None of us *deserve* to be struggling with this. Just unfortunately, our brains were wired this way. 
This post is messy and I’m not sure why I’m making it, it’s almost 11pm and nightfall is the hardest time for me. 
I just wanted to vent a little, discuss this feeling and hopefully just feel less alone in the end. I know somebody will see this and that comforts me enough to let me sleep. Let’s me know I’m real  
Goodnight, sweet loves. Hope you get some good rest ❤️