I often feel like I have to fake myself just so I can connect with people. I have close friends but as I grow older I realize we become more and more different. Our values slowly collide and it's pretty painful to accept.

I feel more and more isolated, it might just be a product of my own doing but work is the only thing that's sort of keeping me sane. I am distracted when I work and for a moment I forget about my short-comings in life.

I long for the days I find comfort in myself, I feel so out of place and out of touch. If I could just sleep forever I would. I am slowly accepting that I might just follow with my plans to end it but I am giving myself a few more years to change.


Maybe there's more to this life that I am just not experiencing and seeing. Maybe I can be normal, maybe I should just try harder?

I don't know, I feel so disconnected. It's like I'm the odd inbetween, the nuanced gray area, the weird coincidence, the oddly unique but useless thing or just simply an overblown insecure shithead.

I don't belong anywhere and it's awfully lonely. There are days I feel numb, there are days I feel ridiculously sad, days when I'm so lonely I do things I'm ashamed of doing just to get by. 

All I do is cope, cope, cope and I'm getting tired of coping. I guess I just want something genuine, something or someone to live for that I voluntarily believe in. 

What else is there, I can't live for myself any longer than I already have. This is pain. 

Sigh.