*That BPD FEELIN when* you can't stop calling into work...

My emotions have been extremely unstable this past week. It's always so frustrating not knowing how you're going to feel moment to moment. 

I've been at this job for about 5 months. I did fine the first 3 months, but these past 2 months I've called in a bunch. 

8+ days total. 3 here, 3 there, a couple here AND there and then yesterday. Yesterday has become the "gateway" call in to an "all or none" work week. *It was a Monday* and I am leaning toward a "NONE" work week. 

Nothing like starting the work week and wanting it to end already. 

I've already made up my mind that I will just be taking the rest of the week off. 

I've finally re-established a new therapist and have already told her I will be seeking a job accommodation. I met with her Saturday and again on Wednesday. So a doc note shouldn't be an issue. 

It's just so damn frustrating to think *"why can't I just get myself together and go to work like a "regular" person?"* And then ya know, the relentless beating myself up that ensues. 

What is it about BDP that makes it so hard for us to work? It literally feels like torture. Like it's the hardest thing ever and it's so damn stupid because I'm great at my job and it's such a great job, oh wait *is this self sabotage*?I really don't think so, there's just something about working that is so damn difficult even when it's an easy job. 

Welp... this week will be a total of 5 consecutive days. And if we count the 1/2  day last Thursday and Friday I took off we are up to 6.5 consecutive days... how in the hell am I already conjuring up excuses to miss next week too? And that's the worst part, I'm starting to want to lie so I have a more valid excuse than my mental health. As if it's not ab excuse enough. 

Luckily my job has generous PTO and lots of unpaid time off...but I am still pushing it. 

Curious to know how many consecutive days others have called in. Also probably because it will ease my guilt and I'd love to know why BPD has such a struggle when it comes to work.