Heavily ranty and venty post. Feeling so done :-( Just want to make all the pain and suffering stop. I hate that I feel my emotions so fucking strongly and I just can’t see a way out of this. It’s so painful. I just want the hurt to end. Please. 

Mental healthcare in my country is a joke tbh, been suicidal since November. Even then I only got to see a psychiatrist in February bc I couldn’t go the private clinic route (too expensive). Psych diagnosed me with bpd and depression, gave meds for depression and scheduled a therapy session in May for treating bpd. My therapy sessions are once a month, and I don’t really feel like my therapy is helping at all… Generally the mental healthcare workers in my country are feeling very drained because of the huge strain placed after COVID. 

So here I am, just so hopeless and in so much pain and agony. I crave love, I crave intimacy. But I keep chasing it from the wrong people. When I’m alone I feel so empty and lonely, when I date I meet the wrong people and I get so hurt that my heart literally feels like it’s crushed into a million fucking pieces. 

Keep trying to make friends but it’s hard when I’m just a second option to everyone. Apparently their lives are too busy to fit me in. I tried picking up new hobbies like exercising, but I’m really back to square one. Alone and in pain. It doesn’t get better. 

It’s so hard to go on. I wanna end things in a non violent way because I guess I still wanna look pretty when I’m dead haha. But I’m so scared of failing and living with the consequences forever, like paralysis or organ failure. 

Don’t know what to do. Been suicidal since I was 13 but never dared to jump because I’m scared of heights. I kept thinking shit gets better but it really doesn’t hahaha it just keeps repeating itself and god. The lows are so fucking low I can’t see my way out of it anymore. 

It doesn’t get better. I tried to go for therapy, meet a psychiatrist (who was quite dismissive when I told him I was suicidal lol), make new friends, pick up hobbies, self improvement. But at the end of the day nothing changes. The pain is so fucking real. Everything hurts. I’ve cried so much that I’m just crying empty tears now. Can it all go away…