I'm a 22-year-old guy and I'm on the edge. I have always been a good student, excelled in my hobbies and have had many concerns. 4 years ago the nightmare began, I started my career. Today, 4 years later, I still have subjects from the first year, I have barely touched the third year and I have realized that I really can not cope with it, in fact there are subjects that my parents can not pay for the times I have taken them. Since I entered the race, in another city, everything has been loneliness, I have barely met people, two years ago my mother was diagnosed with incurable cancer. Today I see that I have lost 4 years of my life, it may seem little, but I have few options, all my friends are doing well in life and I have nothing, the respect of my loved ones towards me depends more and more on my grades, I am just that, an academic qualification, today I realized that the lack of motivation of all these years, was sadness, which has become depression. My parents and friends are not able to see it, they simply believe that I am lazy, when in reality I have always given everything, they believe that I fail simply because I do not study, although it is much deeper. I have no interest in the hobbies I practice every day, I don't even feel like going out with friends, to see how well everyone's life is going. I don't even feel like getting up in the morning. Since the pandemic I've been in online classes for 2 years, at home, locked up, with thoughts that are getting darker and darker. Before I might have jokingly thought "how I wish I could die" if it made much more sense, but in the last year those thoughts have become more and more frequent, more and more realistic. My parents only threaten me to go to work in a mcdonal or things like that, the most surprising thing is that my father is a psychologist, and I think he has not once suspected me of having depression, neither have I, but everything fits, it's too long with this unpleasant feeling that has made me change. Maybe now I understand everything I have been feeling, including why I was finding it harder and harder to get up, or needed to sleep constantly (for my parents, just laziness).
I ask you for help because I don't know what to do, who to turn to or what to think, I never thought my head would become such a dark place. It is hard to say this, but I find more and more comfort in not existing.