Sorry if this is kind of rambly. I've been having racing thoughts and I'm holding a lot in my head at once. 

Right now I'm really hung up on a job change I made that didn't work out. It's hard to turn to my support system because they think I have it all super together and they're confident I got this, they really don't understand how severe my disorder can get, and they just can't seem to picture me as falling apart.

My boyfriend wants to start a family someday and I'm 35. I started thinking that being complacent and taking incremental raises wasn't going to cut it, so I needed to get serious about doing something more professional and build a nest egg faster. I bought a bunch of courses on Udemy, studied, was offered an entry level IT job from the comfort of my home. 

I lasted a bit over six months, then the effects of isolation, being sedentary, and being one of those people who feels drained and overwhelmed by interaction made me hit a wall. I was having trouble switching off, studying cases even in my own time to keep ahead of the pace. I found myself avoiding that room and the computer gaming hobbies that I used to enjoy to unwind after a long day.

I needed to take some time to stabilize before returning to work, then my partner's job just... stopped paying him. He's filing for wage theft. As a result, my savings drained a LOT faster than I expected.

So now I'm back at my old company, working harder at a lower position and back at base pay. All my seniority raises are gone. Although I know I felt stagnant and would probably be feeling just as down on myself if I'd been too scared to try, I feel like all the personal growth I made over the past six years has gone up in smoke, and that by the time I manage to get back to making what I was and gather my savings again, I'll be too old. I have moments of panic and regret not feeling content with my lot. 

I remind myself that my old job had some serious issues with the boss and the area. They didn't directly affect me, but still influenced my decision to leave. There were multiple armed robberies happening at the businesses next door, and the boss would micromanage certain departments and ride them into the ground. The boss loved me to the point he began acting paternal, but it also felt weird and unfair to be treated differently. 

It was still almost ideal in terms of cushy duties, I never had to worry about my chronic pain or mental issues affecting my ability to do my job. It was a 3 minute commute, so gas prices didn't affect me, and I was able to give my coworkers some relief by volunteering for split shifts. I truly didn't mind because I could have a two hour lunch, walk the dogs, take a nap. I felt guilty for leaving. Even my bosses assistant very frankly told me it was all going to go to shit without me being the glue, and quit himself shortly afterwards. 

My old boss offered me one of the intense labor positions that constantly turns over due to his overbearing management. I felt like I was high risk and needed to protect my mental health first, so I declined. 

The new location I'm working at now is very chill and is slow as molasses, so that helps while I'm still jittery. But I also have mobility issues with tendonitis and bone-on-bone action, so now I'm whimpering by the end of the day. I'm afraid if I can't hack it at intellectual work and I can't keep up with physical labor anymore, then I'm never going to have it as good as I did.