I know what to do now that I am aware, but I wish I could just hide from everyone now. Everyone I love and desperately wanted to like me back has been a victim of my overtalkativeness and to think about the years and years I've spent embarassing myself is so painful. I want to start over. Or cut myself to get relief I literally can't stand it.

I am just now realizing that the people I thought liked me were most certainly actually just really annoyed and bewildered and I want to crawl in a hole and die. I feel like I suddenly realize I have no social skills, whereas I thoughht I was really charming, but in reality people were nice to and complimented me they felt sorry for me not because they liked me.

I have social anxiety and bipolar disorder and when I'm hypomanic my confidence increases but only just enough for me to feel like I'm gonna explode if I don't talk. Right now I'm just biting my nails and my heart is racing, even though I'm alone at my computer, because I'm so fucking embarassed by my behavior in the past. I'm mortified because I realized everyone just either hates, is annoyed or at best feels sorry for me and the only reason they don't show it is because I act so goddamn fragile.

Even when I'm hyper and excited and my mind is racing I just hate everything that escapes from my mouth (yet secretly hope that it might be brilliant to make up for the waste of space I feel like I am as a human) so I'm just a giant mess that makes everyone uncomfortable and I'm only just now realizing it. I'm so sorry to everyone I've annoyed so many times. And I'm doing it again right now but I figure it's the internet no one has to listen if they don't/ I hate myself so much at the moment especially because I actually thought people wanted to listen to me and liked what I had to say. I wish people would have just flat out told me I was annoying but I know that's hypocritical of me to say. I"m such an idiot.

I'm not trying to make excuses, but it probably sounds like it, so maybe I am? I am really just trying explain the nature of my speech issue. I also along with social anxiety and bipolar, have ADHD, and so I have been told told that I have trouble discerning relevant and irrelevant information and speak in a really annoying, rambling, pressured and panicked way when I am nervous (which is all the time despite therapy and medication)

I did this around so many people, I don't even know how to convey how extreme it could get when I was very anxious. It was worse when I was excited but also anxious and embarrassed because my impulsiveness and desire to speak was at war with my ever increasing anxiety and the pressure got to be so much I would just "trance out" and basically babble incoherent. I couldn't after a while look people in the face because I began to anticipate their expressions of bewilderment, discomfort and exasperation as I'd try to say 15 things at once, contradicting myself and qualifying everything I said with an increasingly panicked, sped up and ungrammatical speaking style, not making any eye contact until it culminated after 3 minutes of nonstop talking in a mortified apology for not making any sense and wasting everyone's time. And then 3 minutes later feeling such a strong urge to do it again because "this time I would make sense, I knew exactly what I wanted to say" but then opening my mouth and everything going to absolute shit because suddenly my point which moments before seemed to relevant and integral to the conversation seems incredibly stupid and I as I speak I realize I'm not making sense and everyone is just internally cringing as nervously spew out the 15 things running through my head because I need to redeem myself, only for my face to become redder and redder with shame and the cycle to continue.

And yet I always brushed it off as a minor quirk. Only now am I realizing how many times I thought I was having a great conversation with someone I admired and adored, when really they likely couldn't wait for me to shut up. I feel so embarrassed. And it's worse around people I like the most. I feel like such an idiot. I am most embarrassed about how I spoke around one person, my professor, advisor and mentor, who I look up to and enjoyed being around more than anyone and who I thought also liked to talk to me. But as I think back to our meetings I see so many cues that he was bored and uncomfortable and irritated that I didn't pick up on. I thought the fact that he wasn't looking at me when I spoke, or that he was fidgeting just was part of his personality. I remember the time I word vomited in his office and hearing him sigh very loudly, as I walked out, as if in relief, or exhaustion.

I want to apologize to him, even though I already have too many times, for being so damn annoying. I wanted him to like so much that I sabotaged it. I keep doing this. I know there is hope moving forward but I'm still with the same professors and peers who know me and have witnessed my outburst. I can't get over how much I've annoyed people. I