In other posts on my account I mentioned that I (19f) emotionally cheated on my bf (23m). I’d like to begin and state I do not excuse or justify what I did. I flirted/allowed flirting form another guy and also spoke very badly of not only my relationship but also my bf himself. 
Long story short before I could tell my bf about my affair the guy sent screenshots of our convos to my bf as revenge for his relationship failing. ( he dated a girl right after I turned him down and when it failed he was angry and decided to ruin mine as well). 

I said the most vile and terrible things in these messages, I called my bf a kid, and dragged him thinking these messages would never be seen or read. I’m disgusted with what I said and currently can not see forgiving myself as an option. 

I have depression and have had it for a while. My family doesn’t believe in it and refuses to let me get help. But I’m also scared of getting help due to fear of being locked up for my thoughts. 

I am currently giving my partner space to decide if he wants to stay and work on our relationship/forgive me, or dump me. 

I am lost, spiraling and have never felt so much pain and anger , I am so angry and mad at myself and don’t know how to stop myself from getting worse. I want to give my partner the space he needs to think everything over without worrying about me doing something terrible. 

I don’t know what it’s, I’m so regretful and have never hated myself more as I see I am repeated my deadbeat dads behaviors. How do I stop myself from hating myself and not wanting to be on this earth anymore.