I had a panic attack in the park earlier and my whole body was still shaking when I got home so I went upstairs to have a cry to myself. When I'm doing that, I think I'm limiting other people's exposure to me, but my husband told me I was shutting him out. When we came downstairs, I logged on here to vent some of that frustration, and he asked me why I couldn't speak to him about how I was feeling. I was trying to explain to my husband that I talk to you guys because you understand how frustrating it is to feel everything so strongly but understand at the same time that those feelings are not real/overreactions, and you understand that I know how annoying I am, and the resultant shame and guilt of that, and he said that I was shutting him out, and he was correct. I tried to explain that for me this forum is like breathing out if breathing was screaming to relieve frustration, and he told me I want to be sad, and I told him, no I didn't, but he didn't believe me. He tried to hold me, but I was just having an emotional episode. I emigrated this week and I organised everything - our flights, his immigration appointment (total mess), our phone plans, our dog's flight (and that was tough - I have ADHD and my husband is always very stressed about our dog's happiness and comfort and I was so worried about her flying). I am EXHAUSTED, completely, in every way. He got quiet and then I was sitting across from him listening to him being quiet and looking at me with a weird thin-lipped let's-pretend-it's-okay smile, and then the feelings of well, he's disappointed in me, took over, and I kept pestering him until he exploded in fury and  started hitting himself and raising his voice to me. I understand how frustrated he is with me and I only stopped crying when he got furious with me, because then my sadness turned into very severe concerns about him being disappointed in me.

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I was trying to tell him that BPD is brain damage and the things I feel, my perceptions of the world, are not real, and that makes me so sad because I cannot trust my own reactions. He got so mad because I kept telling him I just want to talk to the forum because no one tries to argue with me or tell me facts, because while I rationally know facts are true, my feelings do not reflect the reality of the situation. I don't want him to tell me how the world is. I know how it is. I know all the things I think and feel are filtered through a faulty logical system.

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In the end I kept apologising to him, which only made him angrier, and he freaked out, and told me I embarrass him when I cry in public, in the park, or in the car, and confirmed he was hiding his phone from me last night so that I didn't see the stories of people on his instagram in case I'm jealous, which he said was empathetic, but just made me feel like utter broken shit.

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I cannot stop thinking about taking a knife to my arm. But now I am containing my emotions so that he is no longer angry with me, which is what I was trying to do in the first place when I was keeping my feelings to myself. I feel so lonely and tense and alone. I don't wish I was dead. I just wish I wasn't this fucking broken, damaged mess.

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In college, I had a friend called Aaron, and he was one of the kindest, funniest, loveliest people I have ever met. He found joy in his life. If I could pick a state of being I would like, it would not be persistent, annoying sadness - it would be happiness in things I have. It would be not being overreactive to everything.

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I know you understand this, and so I say it, because you know it's irrational, and I do too, and we can all admit that, and not argue that it's not real, because we already know it's not real. But these feelings are so overwhelming.