Hey y’all. Lurker here. I’m a girl in my mid 20’s, diagnosed BPD since I was 19.

I’ve been working on my BPD through a combination of therapy and medication for years now. I think I’ve made some pretty good progress, to the point where my therapist and psychiatrist agree that I may not meet the criteria anymore for a diagnosis. However… sometimes BPD traits still jump out and catch me by surprise.

I guess I got too comfy, because I realized this past week that I am 100% knee deep in the stages of developing a new FP. I’ve managed to channel my obsessive personality into hobbies and media for the past several years. But now I am fixating on a person. Again.

I hate this feeling, it really makes me want to crawl out of my skin. It’s just like. I don’t know. I’m thinking about this person so hard it physically hurts my head. I’m daydreaming about them, imagining very long and mundane conversations with them, replaying memories over and over and over until I feel like my mind has forgotten how the interaction actually went. Everything is funnier, brighter, and full of intense emotion.

And I know I’m being insane. I’m idolizing this person. I can’t go about my day without them bursting into my train of thought every 5 minutes. I’m sorting through my entire life thinking about how I would explain things to them perfectly, in a way tailored specifically to them, putting every detail of my experiences in just the right context that would make them love me more, feel closer to me, and hopefully let me become closer to them. I work in advertising, and I literally feel like I am creating a marketing campaign with myself as the product. Target audience: a single person.

Ugh, I don’t know. Rant over, I guess.