It’s probably not the biggest issue I have, never been one of those massively sex-obsessed types of people, didn’t even lose my virginity till last year, when I was 21. But I guess it just bothers me to think about sometimes. Guess the urges come up and it’s depressing to think I can’t really see how I’ll ever be able to satisfy them. 

Don’t like people. Always felt pretty alone. Had a big group of “friends” in school, always had people gravitate to me in jobs and stuff too but I’ve never felt connected to any of them, really. Would always end up moving away eventually and have ghosted almost 100% of people who’ve entered my life. Met one girl once, at my second job and she is really the only friend I’ve ever really had. Long story short, I fell in love with her and she didn’t feel the same way and that basically lead to the death of that friendship. Needed to happen, in hindsight, it was basically torture being in love with the only person I enjoy spending time with but knowing she doesn’t feel the same way. But it didn’t make it any less shitty.

Anyway, I tried to move on after her. Got a new job, met other girls, lost my virginity. Problem was, every girl I was with just made me feel kinda sick. Just felt weird, and end up having… performance issues. Haven’t been able to orgasm during sex once. At first I thought it was my meds, so I came off them. Didn’t help. Had people suggest it was because I watched too much porn or something but I rarely ever do. Wasn’t nervous the whole time or anything either. Just felt this weird, sick feeling. Just felt depressed. Only common denominator in all my encounters was that I didn’t really feel anything for the girls I was with. 

I tried to feel something for them. Only a few were one night stands I’d never met or planned on seeing again. Most were co-workers from various bars I worked at, girls who I honestly seemed to have chemistry with, many of whom were clearly interested in a relationship with me. But I dunno, once I actually tried it, it’s like I just realised I was numb. I looked at them and felt nothing. Eventually I’d realise it wasn’t happening for me and I’d always find a way to ask them to leave. 

I guess I’m just realising how fucked my sex life is now. How I don’t really see a way for it to ever get better. It’s pretty clear I can’t have sex with girls I don’t feel an emotional connection to, but I can’t hunk of anything I want to avoid more than forming another connection like that with someone. I don’t really think there’s a solution. I know people say shit like “you’ll meet the right person eventually, don’t give up!” but I don’t *want* to meet that person. If I did, it’d only be so that I could satisfy my sexual thoughts for once, but just that. I wouldn’t want them to stick around afterwards or be a part of my life. 

I guess I just can’t enjoy sex unless I love someone but I can’t ever let myself have that kinda power over me ever again since it made me almost kill myself the last time. And if it’s a toss up between my mental health and a healthy sex life, I obviously have to prioritise my mental health because without that, I can’t function, whereas I can get by without sex. I guess I’m just sick of having to take normal things everyone else seems to take for granted and sacrifice them in order to stay functional.

TL;DR - I can’t have sex unless I’m in love, and I can’t allow myself to fall in love because of what it’s down to me in the past.