So I have OCD and in the past it’s convinced my I was a cannibal, that I was bi and was going to turn completely gay, etc. looking back on it I was none of those things, but each time it feels just as real and scary. Anyways, lately I’ve developed some sort of POCD, and I don’t think I’m a pedophile right now because the thought of children sexually disgusts me and just makes me uncomfortable. (Although intrusive thoughts and anxiety has been trying to convince me I already am one, doing my best to remind myself its my disorder tricking me) But I have a fear of BECOMING a pedophile. 

At first i wasn’t too scared because I researched that pedophiles were born not made, and your sexuality cant just switch and change. Yes you may realise you are bi or gay at a later time, but you didn’t switch sexualities. So I figured, if all this time I’ve been disgusted at children being viewed at in that way, then I don’t have to worry about suddenly turning into one.

That was until I read this reddit comment of a pedophile who said at first he liked both kids and adults, but then as he aged his attraction towards adults diminished and now it’s mostly to children. This scared me all over again because my fear is that my attraction towards adults will go away and I’ll become a pedophile! (I also have HOCD and fear my attraction towards boys will go away and switch to girls. This worry is what triggered my POCD because I thought “what if the same could happen with kids?” And I got a whole new worry.)

I’m so so scared of becoming a pedo, losing attraction to adults, what if I was a pedo all this time? I’m so scared and don’t know what to do and my anxious thoughts won’t stop. I lost my appetite and had a panic attack over this. This sounds horrible but I tried to force myself to imagine a sexual thought of a child to see test, and every time I couldn’t do it I just kept cringing  because i just couldn’t. But here’s the thing, idk if I keep cringing and getting uncomfortable because it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t like it, or if it’s because I’m actually at risk of being attracted to them and having a sexual thought will make me attracted? My brain keeps telling me that I’m secretly a pedo, that I’m in denial, or that I’m not a pedo now but I’m going to become one and i don’t know what to do, I want to kill my self before becoming one.