when i'm doing badly, i can usually keep my friends talking to me out of pity and worry but eventually they all hit a wall where they can't listen to me vent anymore or be available 24/7, which is what i need. when i'm not getting attention it's like i don't exist, and i knowingly emotionally manipulate people for it, then push them away when my perception of them flips (usually at some minor grievance or imperfection). i don't know why i act like this and i don't know how to stop. when i'm feeling a little better, like i was for the first half of the day, i always end up really hurting people-- it's like my natural state is to be cruel, i never intend it but i just can't read social cues to know what's okay and what's not. nobody can possibly provide the amount of tolerance and compassion i require, especially since i have a really small circle and have been unsuccessful meeting more people at college, so once i cycle through my usual people to text/call i just end up spiraling. i'm seeing a psychiatrist in 2 weeks and i'm worried if i get better nobody will care about me anymore. 

all i do all day is study because i don't have any hobbies or the motivation to pick up new or old ones (i just study, waste time online, go on walks), and still my grades are going to be mediocre to failing. i almost want to fail so i'll lose my financial aid and have to drop out-- at least if i move back home my parents will force me to get help and make my life better. i wanted to take time off but i got talked out of it. i love (or used to love) my field of study and i just wish i could produce good work about it, but i'm taking hours and hours to produce the most mediocre shit. i've never known exactly what i want to do and it's getting harder and harder to imagine a future. 

the only things that make me happy are drinking--which i stopped doing, because i know that's a risky road, and being sober (but not "justified" in it because i never had a problem) has just made me more distant from my friends who don't get it--and going to concerts (both of these are followed by crashes). i'm going to one tomorrow, even though i should be studying, so that's hopeful. i don't really have any more immediate coping strategies, like how to feel good enough this week to write my papers and how to stop myself from crying in class, so i would appreciate if anyone could help with that.