Everyday is hard, I just want to help people but I can't even help myself, I can't be loved or receive affection because everyone knows I'm not worthy, deep down even strangers know it

I try so hard for people, i want to help them be happier than I ever will be, why can't I find solace in that? Why do I have to agonise over a life that will never be mine? 

Why do I have to spend every night fantasising about just being held, why do I have to spend every night wishing I could just have the balls to kill myself? I'm such a fucking coward