I'm over 30 years old and got diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. Before my diagnoses I've tried more than 10 different antidepressants.

Right now I'm taking Mirtazapine for anxiety and to fall asleep and Ritalin for my attention.

Life got easier after I found the right diagnosis and medication, but I still feel somewhat inhuman.
I can feel frustrated, angry, sad, alone, sometimes even happy, but I just can't feel enough emotions to get attached to anyone, or feel sad when they disappear.

It's possible that I'm suppressing my stronger emotions, but after years of trying I still feel empty, like I'm tired of trying, but not sad enough to end it all.

I talked to enough people to know that I'm probably not autistic and it also doesn't seem like I'm a psychopath. I feel attachment to people and pets, but in a very uncommitted manner.

I went through a lot in my youth, but I always thought that I just don't have the same emotions as everyone around me.

When I try to reflect on my emotions I only get this internal slurry of energy that shifts between sadness, fear, anger, positivity, motivation, tiredness... nothing stronger.

I can force myself to feel sad and drop 2-3 tears, but I wouldn't call that crying. 

In my youth(13-19) I had a single best friend who I cared for. He killed himself later on, and I was never able to find anyone this close again. 

I've spent most of my time, outside of school and work, in social isolation. I've talked a lot with my sister and mother, but mostly isolated myself.

Today I understand that this was the result of daily shameful mistakes that I went through because of my ADHD. No matter how much I tried, shame was the result of everything.

I write this text, because I want to escape this internal prison, which keeps me from finding friends and other relationships. I feel broken and don't know how to fix myself.

I know that I need therapy and that ADHD might be connected to my emotional problems, but it still feels like I'm missing a big puzzle piece of why I can't feel the emotions that I long for.