Hella vent. This is all pretty new to me still. 

This is the first guy I've been somewhat serious with in 2 years, and so far he's been amazing with all of my weird stuff.

It's been 4+ months, not official, but is as close as that can be at the moment and I haven't seen him for almost a week. The day he can hang out keeps getting pushed off and I am trying SO HARD not to go crazy about it. 

I'm mostly quiet bpd so I've gone through the thought process "He doesn't care about you and this is a slow ghosting" --&gt; "Okay, it's possible it's not that. Just try to be normal about it; no (passive) aggressive texts, no avoiding initiating contact. Cool We're good. I don't want to ruin this over something that might not even be the case." --&gt;

Now I'm at the stage where I would either start drinking too much, hit myself, binge/purge, something. I have a lot of simmering hurt and anger and I'm not putting it towards him, but I'm not putting it towards myself and I don't know where to go. And of course I know that it's an inappropriate amount of emotion for the situation, so that just adds to my anxieties

And he's actually coming over now and terrified if I hold whatever this is in long enough I'll direct my negative emotions in that direction by accident.

thanks for reading, it feels better to have typed it out. :)