This is long, but I hope you'll read it because I really need some insight or advice.

Forgive me, I'm sure this has been covered many times here. I'm 32 years old and only within the past year really started understanding that what I went through growing up wasn't normal or okay. My father, on the one hand, would regularly threaten suicide if I so much as disliked a song that he liked, or if I ever expressed hurt or anger by him doing so. My mother was prone to rages herself, and had/has a tendency to manipulate, gaslight, etc. From my earliest memory, if I cried or was hurt by their teasing, I was told I was too sensitive. Further, my grandfather (on my dad's side) is, I'd say, sociopathic to the point of abusing animals, and torturing my father when he was a kid (so it's no wonder he had his issues). Nevertheless, from childhood it became my responsibility to manage my parents' emotions, and the conflicts/relationships between them and my grandfather. My grandfather was also abusive towards me, and yet anytime I told my parents I didn't want to go or be around them I was not given that choice. Whenever anything from my past has been brought up my mother will tell me I'm misremembering, overreacting, being too sensitive, among other things. I'm told I'm ungrateful, negative and selfish.

As a teenager, I struggled with a ton of depression and was already traumatized by a lot of what I'd seen. When I finally told me mother that I was struggling with my mental health, she told me I was faking it. Instead of offering support, they decided it was too much for them and abandoned me/left me with my sociopathic grandfather for about four months. Even once I was back at my parents, I tried to set limits and told my parents I would no longer see my grandfather - to which I relentlessly got the "after all I've done for you....you can do this one thing for me, etc." I've heard that phrase countless times now throughout my life - and I recognize now that it's manipulative. Needless to say, I ended up in a series of abusive romantic relationships - which I now understand to be pretty typical for someone with my history, trying to find 'love' anywhere I could - leading to more trauma.

My dad passed about 7 years ago (despite his own issues, he was capable of at least some empathy and eventually did apologize). My mom is still very much alive, and her abusive behavior has never stopped. I'm 32 years old, and my mother will regularly steal my things with zero remorse, even when caught she will justify why she was entitled to it (because she gave birth to me and clothed me, put me through school). When I try to set limits, she'll tell me I basically 'owe' her, and turn the tables and tell me how it's completely justified since I did "this, this and this" - she'll bring up things I did even as a child so as to avoid responsibility. She even went so far as to tell me how her coworker's daughter lets her mom 'steal' all the time and doesn't mind, so I should be more like that. A few years ago, she asked me to reach out to my abusive grandfather to make her life easier (she's currently living with him because she wants his money when he dies - legitimately that's true), and when I said no she threw a massive temper tantrum and berated me telling me how much I was hurting her, how she was 'stuck' there and how she doesn't as much of me. And yet, when it suits her - she talks about how great it is to live there and not have to pay anything. And one year, when I had planned to spend Christmas with my partner and his family - she raged and told me I was selfish and that I was all she had in this world, and I was horrible for leaving her alone (she wasn't alone - she had all of my cousins, her siblings, etc.) Even when I tried to compromise by suggesting a different 'date', she refused to hear it; she only wanted the date that she wanted. Eventually I caved. She's never once accepted responsibility. She lies, deflects blame, manipulates, guilt trips, denies, everything you can think of to avoid facing her own bad behaviors. It's truly bewildering; especially since I was consistently told that I needed to always own my mistakes and that my actions are a 'choice' - but somehow none of this holds true when it comes to her.

A year and a half ago, I had a complete breakdown and also started to recognize my own unhealthy patterns and bad behaviors - and decided to start therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD and unfortunately BPD - and I've been working extremely hard, practicing DBT and trying my best to overcome my own issues, and patterns that have definitely hurt people along the way. The last thing I want is to perpetuate abuse, and it is my responsibility to end that cycle. I do think I've come quite a long way and have grown, and started learn boundaries. I've also come to realize just how angry and hurt I am by this continued behavior, betrayal, and disrepect for my boundaries and my person on her part. I realize that I have a lot to work on and healing is my responsibility. I also recognize the part of me that wishes so badly that she'd realize how much her actions have hurt me and how much damage they've caused - but I know that I can't control her, and I can't force anything.

Yesterday, I sat down and ended up writing her a long letter basically calling her out for all of the abusive behavior throughout my life and that continues to this day - and I said that while I recognize that she has her own wounds from her upbringing and my dad, that I will no longer tolerate aggressive, abusive and manipulative behavior from her. That it's her responsibility to take ownership and be accountable for herself. I told her I wished we would have a healthier relationship, but that I do not expect that to happen and that I no longer wish to have a relationship with her unless she gets to a point where she's truly worked on her own issues. I have a life, I'm in graduate school, I'm teaching - and her behavior is a major trigger and not helpful in my own efforts to grow and heal and become a better person.

My questions: do you think it's even worth it to send her the letter? Is it worth confronting it? Do you think it would do anything, or would it just set off more rage? I think there's a part of me that wants to send it still with the hope that she'll see and understand and acknowledge just how much damage was done - and that she'll show even a semblance of remorse. Is that really that unlikely?

How did any of you go no contact or limit your contact? Did you just slowly kind of stop responding? What happened?