 

I’m so damaged I feel ashamed to reveal my scars to the world, I have to put on a mask to hide my ‎insanity,  I am unable to set myself free as I fear everyone would run away, I cannot show my ‎misery or my anhedonia, I have to keep my demons chained, so I don’t transfer them to the people ‎around me. ‎  
Sometimes I selfishly wish someone would be able to get access to this dark room I am living in, and ‎stay in there with me, for few moments, hold me tight to their chest and we just sit there, in the ‎darkness, silently, but I know they’re there, and that would be enough. ‎  
I developed this tremendous fear of abandonment, I’m always scared people wouldn’t accept me, ‎or love me as I believe I am unworthy of love. I am a monster trapped in a body of a woman, and I ‎have to act like a normal human in order for me not to be rejected. I am very tired, I wish I could ‎cease to exist, I wish I was able to, for once, let all my negativity out, and be free. ‎  
I was talking to this guy and I realized that I ran out of subjects, all I had left was my depression, ‎insecurity, past relationships and childhood trauma, and naturally even the idea of sharing them ‎seemed impossible to me. Each time someone shows the slightest interest in me, I keep a distance ‎because I’m so scared, I ‘m so scared they’d figure how damaged I am and they’d leave me for it, ‎just like he did, he couldn’t keep up, and frankly he isn’t to be blamed, it was too much, I’m toxic, ‎venomous, and I have the ability to kill people, slowly. ‎