For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a belief that the only way I can be loved is if I looked a certain way, maybe beautiful, but better than that the most beautiful, indisputably so. I don’t know the root of it but sometimes I think appearance is just easier to change than who I am — but more recently I realized it’s because I’m pretty attached to who I am, and so if I want to change something than it ought to be the thing I am less familiar with. That makes little sense.

Basically I think that I’m likely a little above average looking (I’ve been called attractive and even very attractive by someone who was in no position to say it — for some reason the positive remarks don’t affect me so much — but one person I was serious with said “you are pretty, so pretty, I would even say beautiful” and that hurt). You might wonder why someone my age has this concern — I suppose it’s the belief that people would want to be with the most attractive person. I don’t know where it comes from, but I always believe my partners would trade up when given the opportunity. 

I don’t understand how at my age, with all the different people I’ve liked and admired and looks rarely play into it, why I think it’s a concern for me. Although features wise I am mostly fine (one of my features really stands out and that’s probably what places me on the very attractive scale for those who care for it or notice, my eyes) I have a skin problem that also appears on my face and it causes me to be somewhat self-conscious.

I have grown and become confident in many ways but when it comes to issues of appearance I feel like I’m still sitting in middle school.