I had a breakdown tonight. I pushed my boyfriend further and further, and for what? To see if he'd fight for me, or leave me entirely. He said we were through. I freaked out. I ran for a kitchen knife, like I sometimes feel like doing. And when I realized how unstable I was, I wanted to go to the hospital. He wouldn't let me leave. Finally, after 45 minutes, he said he still loves me and wants to stay with me. 

I realize this post is chaotic and crazy, but I don't know who else to write to. I am so shaken by this situation, and I'm so sickened by my behaviour. I've been doing psychotherapy every week for the past few months, and I felt stronger. But tonight proved otherwise.

I feel like a crazy person. Why did this disorder happen to me? Why am I  like this?!