It’s no surprise that I am self destructive and behave in reckless ways, whether there was a trigger for my actions/thought processes or not. Recently I started talking to a guy; he was a customer at the restaurant I waitress at, and immediately upon laying eyes on each other we had a mutual interest (confessed this as we got closer). But it turned out he was only looking for a friends with benefits deal, while I was looking for a friendship that could potentially lead to more. I knew to prepare myself for it too—he’s super rich, super academically smart, super gorgeous—he’s everything I’m not, of course I shouldn’t have expected any more. But it still hurt to hear. 
So when he told me that when we hung out for the last time, all I could really say was “sure”. I have a really hard time processing things quickly and often say things that I don’t mean. But as soon as I left his house I texted him that that was the last time he’d see me, that I was tired of men only seeing me as someone to have sex with, how that made me feel awful about myself. For the first time in a while I was laugh-crying. It wasn’t necessarily about him, it’s just the fact that this has happened to me more times than I could count. And with him I thought it would be different. He was such a gentleman. 
Anyway, a few days pass and I get drunk and end up calling him, agreeing to his fwb offer. I don’t know why I did it. I did the right thing texting him no the first time. I keep making these same mistakes because, well, I really believe I could never change. I feel like I’ll always be this way. It’s really fucking with my psyche. I’ve had thoughts of s*icide recently, that I just can’t shake off. Everything is piling up, like one thing on top of the other before I get a chance to heal from the last. And I don’t want to do therapy because I refuse to pay someone for their company. I don’t really know what my plan is anymore but I have a rather short s*icide note already written out in case I go through with it. Knowing myself though I probably won’t.