I got invited to go to a museum with some people from a Meetup group, I was so excited to be invited, but chickened out. Said I was busy, delayed errands so I'd have too much stuff with me to go, etc.

As my backup I had a board game Meetup on my schedule. I went to the place, am chilling. But I can't seem to bring myself to join the group. It's intimidating to me on two counts, they're geeks, and in former experiences in other groups they made me feel like I was stupid (I was so anxious I couldn't even process the rules of the game); and they're an lgbt group, in the past I was alienated for being non binary (ie being in the spectrum means you haven't accepted yet that you were gay, you have STDs, you're not serious and you'll dump a woman once you've found a man, and so forth). I'm not sure if I'm "gay enough" to join the group, essentially.

So I ate my meal and am on my phone watching. I don't see anyone who looks friendly enough for me to jump in. I've made eye contact with them, and I'm starting to feel like a stalker. Bleh. It's worse that it's a minority type group, because you never know if someone is dangerous, or shy or something. I'm afraid they'll think I'm weird now. And I think I might not return for a while in case they remember me as the awkward weirdo on the corner. I've avoided and second guessed myself to the point of being awkward... A-gain. Urrgh.

I had no problem at my social anxiety Meetup jumping in on a game, even though I didn't know anyone at the table. I know everyone has anxiety and they don't judge me like other groups have. This just feels too intimidating. Ugh.

I feel bad, and not bad at the same time. This has always been difficult for me...