Hi. This is my story for anyone willing to listen. 

I am a 22 year old female living in a big city in Canada, i live with my siblings, parents and sister in law. My house included my dad (72) my mom (60) my brother (26) his wife (25) my sister (25) her twin, my other brother (25) me (22) my younger brother (21). 

My upbringing was traumatic but I try and shrug it off. My parents both have family histories of mental illness and generational trauma, it seems it passed down onto my parents based on the way they treated me and my siblings growing up. I was living in fight or flight mode for years and wasn't conscious of myself until a few years ago so I understand or at least try to understand why my parents were so hard on me and my siblings growing up. 

My first ever childhood memory was watching my dad run after my mom with a random object in an attempt to hit her and my grandfather running after them to try and stop them. I remember being so tiny I could only move my legs and arms. I remember being so tiny and powerless and somehow having enough comprehension despite not being able to walk or chew yet still know it was wrong. My parents were extremely strict growing up, this too I justified because I told myself they just wanted me to be safe and when I have children I'd also be very weary of strangers and look after my children obsessively. But I had no life. I was the girl with the strictest parents and as a result of never being able to meet with friends, I hardly made any. And if I ever made any, it was restricted in how often we could talk or meet up. Hence the friendships never went anywhere. Still, I understood why my parents are the way they are. I was beaten a lot as a kid. I was 12 years old (I was attending an all girls school) and I had a male friend who i was talking to on a tablet of mine and my father almost killed me. I passed out from being hurt so much. My relationship with my mother has always been so off. She has always despised me for having the rights and the life she always wanted but never had access to. I try so hard to please her but I cant seem to. Still, I forgive my parents. I care for them and love them deeply. I know it's not my duty but every day I try to somehow heal their inner child. They had such hard lives. My father and mother were deep in poverty and had to work from young ages and support their families, they gave up their identity and their lives and never got to be children. They never got to heal. My parents are so much better now and I think old age has helped them. We moved to Canada when I was 4 years old and due to my father having no Canadian background academically, he wasn't able to secure a job here. He could only find hard labour jobs which he couldn't do due to a back injury and it was odd that this was the only job he could secure considering the fact that he has his PhD and got that through a scholarship because he was the top student in the whole province back home. He was that intelligent. Due to this reason, he lived back home from 2004 until 2020 when he finally retired from the company he worked for years since he was 15 years old and he came and started to live with us. Between 2004 and 2020, he studied at a Canadian university and got a degree but still secured no job because of his English. I can't even fathom how difficult it was for him as a father to stay away from his family, he provided for us and stayed all alone. I can't imagine the sacrifice all that takes. My fathers youngest brother passed away in a car accident and he has cared for his brothers wife and his children financially since the accident in 2002 and has taken care of his parents until they passed. He has four brothers (excluding the one who passed) of which he is the eldest and he personally helped all of them with school and at age 30 when he built his first house, gave them all a piece of it equally despite them never financially contributing in any way, they never helped my grandparents or my uncles family after my uncle passed. My dad sponsored them and helped them to come abroad and worked as a teen to help with their school and they all now live in the U.S. and make more than all of my family combined but my dad has never and will never ask for help nor have they ever given help.

My mother worked as a nurse and resigned shortly after my eldest brother was born. After moving to Canada my mom got seriously ill and has never recovered since then. We somehow magically managed to get a house in 2017 and we've been living in it since. The mortgage was always difficult but it was much better than 7 people being cramped in a 2 bedroom apartment. We were all older and needed privacy. Since my dad lived back home, the currency difference is pretty large and his salary was only enough to cover 30% of the mortgage. So he did many other side hustles on the side such as having a Second Cup Coffee Franchise back home which eventually flopped and many other ideas such as real estate. I hate when people say poor people choose to be poor and never try. I've never seen anyone work as hard as my father has. And still his situation is like this. 

Over the past 2-3 years, since my dad retired it has been especially hard to make ends meet. My dad never "retired" though. Just from his job for decades he worked at, ever since he moved back to canada he has been working uber non-stop. If he stops even for one day, we wont be able to make mortgage payments. 

I have been working since I was 15 years old. I started working at a flea market and it was so gross, older men made me uncomfortable every day with things they said, my boss was so mean to me and soon after I turned to retail and now I work at a bank. Since I was 15 I have been working and when i first started working it was to give myself an allowance for outside food or clothes or to pay my phone bill since my family couldn't and if they could I felt guilty about it so I worked for it. For the last 3 years I have worked to help my family financially. I have been working since i was 15 years old and I am now 22 years old. I feel SO burnt out I cannot fathom how my father who has lived his whole life working feels. I can't even imagine working since I was a child and now at 72 I still work. I can't fucking believe it, I can't imagine the pain and the toll it takes on you to work your ENTIRE life. I've worked for 7 years and it has felt like my whole life.. all of it. I feel so drained. I worked during high school and I joined university and wanted to focus on it but I couldnt afford textbooks or coffee or anything so I picked up a part time job, i have adhd and having a job while studying was so hard. Something really terrible happened while I was in university and it caused me to drop out. When i dropped out i started work full time at the bank as a bank teller and it helped me with my family. I was so depressed when I was in university that I did so poorly, but I always knew I wanted an education. I lived in a country that made it so possible to get your education, student loans were an option and it was so possible. I came from a country where a university degree was so unknown seemed like such a privilege to have access to it so easily so i always knew i wanted a bachelors degree. Last year i joined university again and have been attending university full time while also working full time.

&amp;#x200B;

I don't mean to complain. I know people have it so hard. I know many others have way it worse than me and that's why i hate to complain. I should be thankful. and i am. i am also just so tired. i cant see my dad deteriorate in front of me but i also feel like im going to die from how much i've been exposed to and how much i've worked over the years. i just want to give up. i dont feel like i have the energy anymore.

I was depressed before i knew what the word was, i disassociated for the first time when i was 4 years old. It's only gotten worse. Please pray things get easier. The world is a beautiful place but not one for a poor, mentally ill person..