I have always had an FP, even as a child. When my parents weren’t there for me, I used imaginary characters from movies, books, television shows. They’d always be older men who would be totally present, emotionally supportive, loving, and affectionate. All of the things I never had and longed for so badly. 
Way before I knew I had BPD, I clung onto toxic men that I’d coerce into having sex with me. Most of these men would literally take up years of my life, although I was never in a relationship with them. They’d live in my head. 
I began to realize this perpetual state of longing I felt and associated that with feeling “love”. 

My current FP is a former lover (eeek!) and a dear friend. Had we never been intimate, I would have NEVER clung onto him like this. Of course, when we first met, we dated each other and realized we were better off as friends. But here and there, the awkwardness of passion peppered into our relationship and bam, the man was undeniably my favorite person. 
Now, instead of being able to enjoy him, enjoy his other friendships with him, enjoy our relationship, I am suction cup attached, anxiety driven, mind occupied by HIM and HIM only. I can’t think of anything other than NOT losing him to another woman. 

Like literally, I can’t think of anything other than him and it’s been this way for about a year now. 

He’s very understanding. He doesn’t entirely get it, but he’s supportive. 

Does anyone else feel like they’d have a relatively normal existence if they didn’t have a FP?! And furthermore, do y’all feel like sex just exacerbates EVERYTHING? I’m so tired of living this way. 

Y’all are the best!