After 20 ish years of mental health challenges I recently decided to see a specialist again and go through a full assessment. The outcome was that I was suffering with inattentive ADHD, anxiety, depression, but also a mild form of borderline personality disorder caused by trauma in an earlier part of my life. The first two I knew, but the last part one was a surprise.

Essentially one of my parents was very critical. You could never do anything right. I felt like I dealt with it okay at the time, but it turns out it led to a chrinic fear of rejection and abandonment, people pleasing and a struggle to identify or be my true self. My doctor described this trauma as a less severe form of borderline personality disorder which will have had huge impacts on my life.

Taking a quick tangent. Do any of you struggle with this and, if so, has it caused any of you to spend you whole life worrying about how different medications, foods, drinks, exercise etc impact your ability to be liked by others?

I’ve stopped numerous medications for fear of becoming unlikeable or rejected by others, regardless of how it made me feel. It seems my main lens into my own worth and success is how I perceive others to judge me, and so anything that I perceive as negative leads to me over analysing and ceasing any activity in my own life that could have contributed to it. Essentially I blame myself for others actions, and always seek ways to improve or change things in my life whenever I perceive some sort of rejection.

Does this resonate with anyone?