When I was in third grade, I was diagnosed with depression (already had suicidal thoughts back then) I remember so many times I tried to end it all. My worst was when I was in 4th grade, I started to cut and I stopped eating. It started to get better in the middle of seventh grade. I met new friends because I went to a different school, had more time with them than at home, I didn’t feel suicidal anymore. There were bad times but more good than bad. 

But, everything is going back to the way it was before. I honestly don’t remember any time I felt good since I was bullied when I was in 2nd grade. I started cutting again because of Quarantine. I tried my best to stay happy since the first month of quarantine, but I just cant. It’s so hard. I’m stuck with my sister who makes me feel worthless. Every thing I do feels like it’s being monitored, I feel like one bad thing I do overlaps a hundred things I’ve done good and now I feel like theres nothing good that I’ve done in my whole life. Every mistake I make makes me feel like I’m the mistake itself. 

My thoughts back then were “I feel like I could have done better” to “I just want to disappear.” “I want to die.” “There’s nothing I can do because I was born useless.”

I always told myself that It will be okay, I will be okay again but it doesn’t work anymore. Everytime I make a mistake, my sister always makes me feel like I’m useless. Maybe I am slower than the average person, that’s how my sister makes me feel. I think maybe I am but I’ve done so well in the past, I just don’t know anymore. I just want it to end, I tried my best to be happy but I can’t anymore.