Spun in a new direction by what I've learned to call an episode. This last one was just so much worse than the others though. I didn't see it coming, and I sure as hell didn't know how to stop it once it started. I was with someone for a while. Someone caring, helpful to a fault. Someone, frankly, accustomed to taking *a lot* of shit, so he could look past so much(way too much). It made us pretty stable for a while. Then we weren't. Then I dumped him, but actually that time. I ensured I burned the bridge so we couldn't get back together. 


I know I need help. I'm starting DBT through my school when the semester starts and I'll stick with it this time, even if nothing feels wrong while I'm building these skills. Easier to learn how to swim when you're not drowning. I'm going to get a steady therapist when my insurance kicks in. Right now I'm just alone and thinking about all the shit I push away that needs addressing. All the shit that repeatedly finds a way to manifest itself into my life and refuses to be ignored. 


The root behind my perfectionism, anxiety, depression. I pushed it off for the longest but I know now that this is what needs to be worked on before anything, and alongside everything. Avoiding it doesn't mean it's not there and I know I need to dedicate time to working on myself. I can try my best to focus on all but the real issue at hand, but everything will always come back to my unaddressed personality disorder. 


It sucks. I have a personality disorder. I'm not officially diagnosed yet, but I'm pretty damn sure. I guess that's really one of the first steps of healing and growing though, acceptance.