I had a best friend in HS who I was really close with, it was kind of toxic but she was my favourite and we both admitted to liking eachother in the end but nothing ever happened. But it literally, to me anyway, felt like we were soulmates or something and meant to be friends.

Anyway, we drifted apart a lot and its been about two years but I didn't stop thinking about her the whole time. It was like a chunk of me was missing and I literally felt like I was greiving her death. She got a boyfriend and I didn't really care about that I just wanted to be her friend again and i definetly thought about her more than usual for someone who isnt even in my life anymore.

Anyway, I was in the talking stages with this guy, waiting for his texts all the time and flirting and generally being excited to talk to him.. until I get an instagram DM and she's sent me a meme that kind of relates to an old private joke. I respond and she responds within 5 minutes and then when I reply she hasnt even opened it yet. I do this a lot so i shouldnt really take it so personally but i have. Anyway i completely switched on the guy (not outwardly, ive still been being friendly with him but all my feelings are gone).

I just feel like i need her in my life otherwise it will continue to be so painful but i like being in control and im always out of control of my feelings when shes in my life and i feel like she can do whatever she wants and everythings so casual for her. Plus when we were friends i felt so much love, jealousy, anger, happiness ect and it was too overwhelming but it still hurts more that shes gone. Like id be fine having a toxic ass friendship if she was just there. Especially seeing as i still cant wrap my head around the fact that maybe we arent meant to be friends til the end.

I always pretend like nothings affecting me and i want to pretend like nothing is a big deal, especially to her and to people i flirt with but the fact is that i just love too much and too easily and it really hurts.

I just really needed to rant sorry