Hi, this post is spefically in context to india. 

Am an Indian male : who chose engineering without intrest due to parental pressure ( very common in india ) 

Backlogs mean failed subjects in college - you get to take them back in next semester. If your GPA falls below a mark you get terminated. Placed/placement means a process that happens in india where companies come to test you and hire you. 

So here is me : 

College : not a tier 1 student , had severe depression due to back logs, got terminated once - on appeal got back 

Again couldn't clear backlog coz of the same professor who was purposely discriminating me coz of my caste 

Thought of suicide daily for a month ... Attempted suicide twice - but thankfully signed up for psych evaluation and help from counsellor, that professor is still there tho ... I was allowed to take classes with different branch and guess what - I cleared easily  

Again got terminated almost but appealled and won coz my internship was one of the best in whole batch 


After that went on to become the top 5 students ( in batch of 100) in around 5 subjects ( in last 1.5 y of engineering ) 

Obviously wasn't placed 

Had option to complete engineering in 2 month summer window but denied and opted extra semester to cover up my back log


Appealed and won - became first student who got terminated twice - won - became topper also - and then took extra semester and then got placed in tier 1 core company and got awarded for "journey"

All this while I became obsessed with superman - to give me hope and he saved me. But in the process of survival,  lost all my friends - self esteem is obviously 0. 

Now like 90pc of the engineers of this country do - all my batch mates, all colleagues wanna do higher studies which is fine - but I am stuck with thoughts of my bachelor's which was my worst nightmare 

In the process of survival, I lost all friends, hobbies, interests, 

I feel nothing 
I feel no excitement 
I feel nothing absolutely 
I feel hollow and dead inside 

I do not enjoy anything 
I do not belong anywhere 
I do not enjoy any experience
I do not feel alive like how people feel 



All in all, My issues are 

1. 0 self esteem - ispite of doing things that were tagged impossible by family friends, college, myself - my self esteem is 0. Obviously I feel left behind in all things. Whole fucking time line of life. 

2. Even after knowing what I should be doing, I spend too much time comparing myself with others because that was my source of motivation

3. Jealousy - I burn all day seeing kids who have it all figured out - People who always talk about will do this, will do that, I will get this, that, for them everything seems achievable and they breathe confidence 


And here I start overthinking and get anxiety for a something that hasn't happened also. 

I am surrounded by people who are passionate for the job , ( I am not that much but I need it more than them ) 

Surrounded with people who constantly keep getting good events / news in life 

Surrounded by people who fucking breathe &amp; sweat confidence 

They know they will get whatver they touch 


And I analyse, overthink the overthinking of thinking and then finalise one thing 


I spend sleepless nights contemplating my life, the trauma, the journey, the part of luck, fate, faith, destiny 

And inspite of knowing what I must be doing, I don't . 

For some reason. 

I spend more time abusing myself and comparing myself and then whine, rant, and get sadder. 



Summary : 
Past academic and degree trauma 
Overthinking &amp; Anxiety 
Not acting though knowing 
Constant comparison 
Constant jealousy 
Feeling of left behind 
Feeling of zero self esteem 



It's ironical that I was able to deal with these exact thoughts before when I was in college - but suddenly I can't. Please help.