I’m kinda realizing a glaring issue I have that tremendously hinders my time management and my school/life balance in general  

I’m a graphic design major. The first step in every project (or, like, project extension) is research. We research subject matter, connecting themes and concepts, color pallets, design styles, font choices and parings, design techniques etc. It’s an important part of our process, and then comes sketches and executing our chosen concept. (This all will be relevant in a min)

I’m in a super competitive design program. Two portfolio review processes not before, but after semesters of design classes. Only 40 of the 400 end up making it. 
It was hell, but it’s my senior year and I’m almost finished. I used to really like graphic design, I was passionate about it. I worked my ass off to make it through the portfolio reviews.  I think I placed my whole identity and self worth in my ‘dream career’. I had so many anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns during the portfolio review portion of this degree (the first 2 years). Now I don’t have to worry about passing the review, but I think i was mentally in fight or flight mode for so long that my brain is still recovering and something isn’t quite right. 

Despite making it through both reviews, My confidence is shattered. I second guess every decision I make. Everyone around me is so talented and I feel like a fraud. I’ve worked really hard to get here, but I’m so burnt out I can barley function. I have pretty strong negative associations with school, class, my work, and myself. 


Every single night, we have assignments and things we need to present in the next class. And every single night, the same cycle repeats.

I research, research, research. I spend hours stuck gathering inspiration, jotting down concepts, all because I’m afraid of moving onto the next step. I don’t eat meals, I don’t spend time with friends, and I’m not even doing any of the ‘real’ work until my internal clock kicks in maybe around 3 AM or in the morning before class. It’s always rushed together and I’m never proud of it. Because I’m never proud of my work, doing homework the next day becomes even harder. My brain does NOT want to move past the research step. Ever. I never feel ready. I loop myself into a constant cycle of spending WAY to much time on a meaningless first step, neglecting the important work, and feeling shitty about myself. I’ll be on my laptop after hours of throwing together pages and pages of mood boards I will hardly use, still doing the same thing and mentally screaming at myself to stop and I can’t. I never do, until the very last minute where I’ll have no other choice to.
I am self aware that this isn’t helping me, and yet every time in the moment I’ll still subconsciously justify it by convincing myself ‘at least I’m being productive rn, I’ll move on to the next step soon." (It’s never soon) Im so upset at myself because I know if I could actually manage my time I’d have have the time to get everything done that I need to and still enjoy things like spending time with people, making meals, getting enough sleep, etc. I have the time to make quality work, too. It’s like I don’t let myself do any of that. 

I’ve pulled 5 all-nighters in the first 4 weeks. I’ve already missed 3 classes and been 30 min late to 2. Again, I don’t hang out with friends, I hardly ever eat full meals, i don’t go to parties or bars or play video games or any of that. It feels like this is all I do and my work is never good and I’m just making myself miserable. I’m so upset at myself and I deeply regret the hours and hours I waste on a daily basis.

My entire college experience has been like this, except at some point I was actually motivated by a love for graphic design. At this point I just want it to be over. I’m so tired, I feel defeated. There’s no way this is even a viable career option for me if I can’t even balance my projects in college. 


Sorry if this seemed really dramatic, I didn’t sleep last night.

TLDR: I’m constantly struggling to move past the ‘first step’ of my university projects due to a lack of confidence and many negative mental associations that have built up over the years and it’s very discouraging and debilitating.