Sick of having the fucking thing. Would rather be lobotomised, live like a fucking zombie, if I gotta live at all. Can’t escape a fucking thing while my brain still carries all this shit around. Can’t just “let it go” either, people say that but I don’t really know what the fuck it means, my brain doesn’t have hands. It ain’t an action I can physically take. 

Every waking fucking minute is like being trapped in a private fucking viewing of all my shittiest moments. Hell, I don’t have anything but shitty moments. Can’t look at an object in the world without being reminded of some fucked up thing I don’t wanna think about. Can’t even butter my fucking toast in the morning cause I think about a conversation I once had with a girl I used to be best friends with about how much it sucks when the butter doesn’t fully melt cause you waited too long. She was the only actual friend I’ve ever had and now we don’t talk cause I fell in love with her and she didn’t feel the same way. Been 2 years since I saw her last, don’t know why the fuck I still think about her. But I still can’t put butter in fucking bread without feeling like I gotta throw it across the room. 

My whole head’s just shitty memories like that. Fucking thing insists and remembering every little mundane fucking thing to associate it all with too, like fucking butter on bread. Can’t escape it. Just wanna be dead or asleep or just so zonked out I’m not even really here. Wanna just wipe the fucking thing and start again.

Won’t even let me just “live”, least not in most people’s sense of the word. Can’t be around people cause… well shit, don’t even know how to fully explain it, other than to say it just doesn’t work. Doesn’t feel right. Like I’m missing a piece that I’m supposed to have to be able to feel connected or whatever. I hate it. Hate being around people. Makes me wanna be alone. Don’t even think I see a reason to try anymore anyway. Don’t want another “friend”. Definitely don’t want a girlfriend or any of that shit anymore either. So I guess there’s nothing I want from people at this point. And without em, I might be fucking lonely, but at this point, think I’m more lonely with em.

Can’t fix this shit. Medication doesn’t help. Been trying for years to find the “right mix” like people say, but none of them do a fucking thing. Same with therapy. Doesn’t matter with one I try, DBT, CBT, EMDR, doesn’t matter how much I “click” with my therapist, none of them have helped with anything. Just wanna be brain dead. Or real dead. Don’t fucking enjoy anything anymore anyway. Don’t have those “little moments” here and there, don’t have anything but fucking suffering. Been like this for so long I just want it to fucking end.