All I can think are suicidal thoughts right now. I just feel this fucking awful sense of dread and anguish in the pit of my stomach. I can’t do any of things I need to do and I have no support. I only feel this or numbness, nothing else. Nothing seems to help and I don’t know what to do.

I’m supposed to be finding a way to move out of my toxic environment but I can’t. I got into a fight with the social worker I got referred to, I try and find work I can do from home and as soon as I start the application process I just shut down. I can’t function and when I even think about being productive my cognition shuts down and all I can think about is how something is seriously wrong with me and there’s no way out. I don’t want to keep living like this and the only way I can think to get out of it is to die.

Nothing seems to help, none of the treatments I’ve done have done anything. I can’t even remember how many meds I’ve tried and years of therapy have amounted to nothing at all. But even though I know none of the treatments help, all I can think to do is get myself institutionalised. One hour of therapy every month is not enough or something I guess. I just feel like I need something more constant, for someone to actually sit down and figure out how to genuinely help me, not just take me in for an hour and throw me back out before I feel like we’ve gotten anywhere at all.

But I can’t go. I can’t handle the drama that would come with all of that and I’d almost certainly get kicked out of home if I went. I have nowhere else to stay, so it’d leave me homeless once I was out. I just don’t know what to do.