A bit long. My apologies...Does anyone else find it quite difficult to be open about their lives? Sometimes if i even sense a situation coming, reminding me of past negative emotion.  I just get this strong visceral reaction. It's like I'm so jumpy, I delete the comment or avoid even being seen by that person. 

A part of me knows why I do this. First. It's protection of my fragile ego/being sensitive.  Through no fault of my own having BPD. Also with co-morbidities; body dysphoria disorder, and major depression.  I'm sick of dealing with emotional hell storms. Then I feel persecuted and bad about how BPD makes me act.  Feeling intense humiliation. I run. Or I self-sabatage, because i always desire to commit suicide to escape the pains of life as a slave and growing older. 

Anyways. I have more quiet BPD. Because i'm an introvert that doesn't seek help very often. But when I do. It's like a pressure cooker....Taught to often isolated. Independent.  In some homes. Kids don't necessarily want attention. That was my home. So More avoidant. More-so lately than ever. And it sucks being an aged slave as the body keeps score. I could sure use some help, like I helped other people. But I'm terrified of most people now. People say BPD gets better with age. That's not the case for me.  I'm seriously considering ending my life. 

Then I do complete personality flips throughout life. Which may be normal in today's complicated system? I think it's cuz I don't have an identity. For instance in the past. I went from religious, to agnostic in a matter of months. From environmentalist teen, to truck driving soldier. Go from soldier, to caregiver. Now I'm more about wildlife, and not people and no domesticated animals. Needing a relationship, to lately just shuttering at the idea of being vulnerable with anyone.... I just cannot tolerate all the flipping...I don't know if others experience this? 

I feel intense Persecution lately.  If I sense that person who is like "this is the boys club only" I'm thinking. Uh-oh! Remember the military and men keeping you from information thereby hurting your chances of success?  This one might go incel on me! Or when someone Mean-Girls me or body shames. I can think of 100 times of this in happened in life.  Working women in in hell-th care alone. To have to deal with the negative self-judgments on myself after the fact.  Which makes me think negative thoughts towards my parents for putting me here.  No fences. (I know we all encounter mean people. However. With BPD.  It's just the broken brain, and the emotional hell storm that follows. 

When I actually came out of my shell. Shared my abuse to actually let it free. There seems to always be those persons that invalidate abuse or say "Get over it" . Saying I should love my abuser, or just acting moral-like "Oh I love this person and that person. You should be good like me!.... Perhaps  this is legit for me to get them out of my life...But it's difficult for me to use my words to defend myself when I am in a storm. I do have a tendency to cuss someone out....So it's easier to block/avoid confrontations. Then I feel like shit that I didn't defend myself....

Anyway. Maybe I am just permanently emotionally tired of the turbulence from dealing with life and its antagonism. Maybe I am too sensitive for this world. Then i shame myself....Then I start ranting about being guiltied into being a slave for 40 years. Which to me. Is too legit to quit when 75 percent of people hate their jobs. But with BPD. So readily. All those feelings come flooding back as intensely as if it were happening over again. 

TDLR- Intense feelings of persecution. Some real. Others. I'm just not so sure?  Anyone else know what to do about this? Or just wanna vent also?