SEEKING SUPPORT 

Just need to get this off my chest.

CW: self harm / abuse / drug abuse / suicide

So this is going to be a bit of a word vomit - apologies in advance....

Freshie to reddit here. I’m a 24 NB (AFAB) and I’ve been receiving formal treatment for anxiety/depression since I was 18 after a particularly severe depressive episode during my first year out of home. I ended up being stuck on my bedroom floor, crying for 2 (might have been 3) days until my parents told me to move back home. I definitely should have sought professional help earlier as I have always fluctuated in moods and had severe explosive episodes as long as I can remember, something my parents attest to. I’ve always been described as an “all or nothing person” and can’t place a point where these feelings and episodes began. They feel pervasive and ever present 

My explosive episodes are pretty f**ked to put it short. Trying to describe and articulate how I feel/what I am thinking during these periods has always been a seemingly impossible task. Sometimes these episodes seem to be definitely BPD triggered but at other times feel like the result of intense periods of prolonged frustration or agitation and something has gotten in the way/gone wrong with my plan then I can start to spiral and loose it. Sometimes I get almost hooked on a potentially negative outcome that may never come to fruition but convince myself they are fact/definite (for example; my partner and I are poly, and have recently decided to open up our relationship but I got convinced for like 3 days after we reactivated dating apps that they were just  looking for a cis dude to leave me for - something I logically know and believe isn’t true but the other day I was convinced they were just trying to find the antithesis of me to leave me for).

By “explosive episodes” I’m referring to situations/moments in time when I get overwhelmed by my thought and feelings, can’t process or understand them and it results in feelings of intense emotional pain / distress. When I was younger and before I had started engaging in therapy these explosions were always really outward, but the older I get the more they have transitioned into an “implosion”. When I start spiralling and get into one of these states my thoughts start racing and cycling, I start to feel physically hot and tense, I loose touch with my surroundings, can hear what’s happening around me but can’t respond/react, and sometimes it’s like I hear my partner talking to me but my brain refuses my response from being spoken. Usually when I’m in these states they can last anywhere from 10 minutes to several hours and are usually only stopped once I self harm. When I start “exploding/imploding” the cyclic thoughts start with what’s stressing me out around me / what I’m angry about and then evolve into nothing but demands for self harm. Usually telling me to beat myself either on things or with my fists. 

Sometimes it takes only several punches other times I can get stuck beating my legs and then crying/sobbing/mini spiral then beat myself again, at times lasting a couple of hours. Eventually though I “come back to earth” for lack of better phrasing, and can re engage with my surroundings. The thoughts slow and quieten. These episodes are usually followed by feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness and hopelessness. I just feel empty and the pain from my self harm keeps me grounded and feeling real things. 

The self harm probably started when I was 15/16 in the form of punching solid things to harm my hand. From accounts from my mum I guess I’ve always been quite a volatile person and have suffered from these explosive episodes and mood instability for as long as I can remember. I grew up in rural Australia and am both gay and trans so childhood/adolescence was probably never going to be a breeze. 

Most of my memories from childhood are being alone. Growing up in the bush both my parents would leave for work before I woke up most days and not get home until after dark. Pretty well consistently from the age of 4 onwards I was left at home alone with my brother during school holidays and often weekends when my parents had extra work. I’ve asked them before why I was left unsupervised from such a young age and they say they didn’t have a choice + plus I was never alone - I had my brother to look after me.

Unfortunately for me, my brother has never been my biggest fan. 4 years my senior and the eldest son my brother copped a lot of my father’s (who was a functioning alcoholic but alcoholic nonetheless) abuse. Never really physical (although we were slapped on our legs/bum as children as discipline and dads hand prints would leave bad marks and sometimes welts) but a lot of what I’m coming to acknowledge was definitely verbal and emotional abuse. My dad grew up with a quite nasty step father who was quite abusive to him and his blood-related siblings throughout his childhood (when dad was 2 him and his twin were in a car crash with their parents and his mum survived but dad didn’t). The older the more sure I am that how dad behaved and treated us (particularly my brother) was abuse. Dad would berate my brother about pretty much anything and it created a pretty nasty dynamic in the house. I would suck up to my dad and try to side with him so that I wouldn’t become the target. And mum would defend my brother which led to my parents fighting which was never good. I don’t think my dad ever hit my mother but they would scream, throw things (a couple of times) and call each other horrible names. I can vividly remember at least 2 seperate occasions where mum sat us down and told us she was leaving dad. This never eventuated but I remember both times like it was yesterday. Can even still hear my dad yelling “stupid bitch always siding with the kids” - crystal clear. 

Anyways so whenever I was left home with my brother (from approx age 4/5 onwards) he would either just leave to his mates (our neighbours) and hang there all day, only coming back just before my parents got home. Or he would take his frustration out on me - usually via names, ignoring me or antagonising me into a physical altercation. He never threw the first punch because that was a rule in our house (whoever threw first punch was in the wrong) but he antagonised home until I did. As I got older and we got more evenly matched physically this became less and less the case. Instead he would pretty well ignore me or just call me names here and there, unless our parents were around. If our parents were around he would start antagonising me (he’s very skilled at it and knows my triggers - i.e. physical touch at times, especially from him, can trigger me) until I lashed out and I would always get in trouble/disciplined not him. I’d try to explain what was happening but they (usually mum) would say that I have to learn to ignore it as that’s how he is. “He didn’t mean it, he was just poking fun/having a laugh - just ignore him” this was the message time and time again. 

Our relationship hasn’t really improved as we’ve aged and we have eventuated into polar opposite people. In beliefs, values, interests, style - in every way. We can have civil interactions and be around each other now but that’s only been the past year. Previously we have had a very tumultuous relationship and when we were together we would be pretty much guaranteed to fight at some point. 

So at present my diagnosis is a work in progress. My psych has flagged BPD, anxiety, depression, disordered eating and OCD (that one manifests in some fun ways) as my diagnosis. Bipolar Disorder has also now entered the picture due to a manic episode coming off my Zoloft a few months back. 

My partner also suffers from Bipolar II and so does their sister and mother so they have experienced their fair share of mania. When I had my manic episode and explained what I was feeling they concurred that i was manic. I even went to my GP whilst very manic and she seemed to not really know what to do. I wasn’t too bad or anything, just very energetic/chatty / smidge combative or argumentative perhaps but tried to keep a lid on it as my partner had given me the heads up I could potentially get sectioned (I had a recent attempt so that plus a manic episode and my partner thought I might not be allowed home after my doctor appointment). Luckily (kind of) my gp doesn’t seem to be too well versed on complex mental health and didn’t really know how to handle it, instead I got the feeling she would have preferred not to know I was manic.

My GP is very much “pro-medication” for mental health which is fair enough but every time she went to prescribe me a different anti-depressant she whips out a big folder and has to look it all up. Like no biggie or whatever, I understand not every GP specialises in mental health but they at least should be able to recognise when a patient’s needs are no longer in their realm of professional capacity? Right? 

It’s also particularly frustrating as after my manic episode I tried to explain my concerns surrounding trying new SSRI’s but she just ignored them I guess and sold me the “its trial and error” story - which I’m very aware of. I just don’t want to keep experimenting with these medications without proper supervision/monitoring and don’t feel like I have that level of support yet. I know the one manic episode doesn’t mean I have bipolar and can be potentially attributed to other causes (Like I heard that BPD can carry potential for manic episodes- anyone else find that to be true?) I’ve been trying to find a bulk billing/cheap psychiatrist in Brisbane but that is proving a seemingly impossible task, so if anyone has any suggestions that would be amaze also 🙏 I just do not trust medication to not hinder more then they help. 

But yeah I’m just struggling to understand it all and truly acknowledge my trauma. I’ve been working really hard this past year to get on top of it all as I’m 24 and need to start functioning properly/consistently.  The more I try to understand my mental health though the more pervasive and chronic it appears, it all just seems to meshed together to discern at times. I try to trace back to a single incident or point in time where these feelings seemed to onset but I can’t. There’s definitely been periods in my life where I’ve handled these fluctuations and episodes better but at other points they have really taken over. I can only confidently say I have had one manic episode but I definitely can place points/periods where I feel I could have been hypomanic and these have usually been preceded or followed by bad depressive episodes. 

I guess I’m just struggling. I don’t have a great support network and lost a lot of friends when I gave up partying/MDMA a year or so ago. I’ve recently found myself unemployed and just have too much time alone with my thoughts. If anyone had any words of support/can relate, or hook ups for cheap psychiatrists in Brisbane Aus.  that would be so greatly appreciated. Or if anyone that has also been diagnosed with both BPD and Bipolar know how does that manifest for you? Like how do they affect one Another for everyone else? If not though it has just been nice to type these words and share a bit of my life with the world. Thank you to anyone who has made it the whole way through and taken the time to read my post.