I can't feel human without an FP. I can't connect to people on a less obsessive level. In any different kind of relationship I just feel so incredibly uncomfortable and anxious that it's only a negative experience. I *need* to have an FP. Trying to live life without one is like having a nutritional deficiency.

But no one can handle me. No one's as obsessive over me as I am over them. No one else feels comfortable and happy only keeping me forever, and I know it's stupid and I'm the bad guy for feeling like it, but I just wish they could throw everyone else away and see that I love them so much that they don't need others.

I'm just so intense. Even after practicing cognitive-behavioral therapy and stuff I still fly off the handle so easily sometimes. Even when I'm not sad or splitting, I'm so full of energy and zero-chill that people get exhausted from it.

I wish I could have someone who can take all of my energy without being overwhelmed. I wish I could have someone else who also needs me like oxygen. I want to be on their mind always, all the time, wherever they go.

I'm so terrified of the thought of my FP getting an SO. I know that when that day comes they'll be able to be with me even less than they are now. I hate the thought of them finding someone who can make them feel things I can't, even if I know I'm not attracted to them in "that" way either. Just the idea of it and I get flashbacks to my own past relationships, which were all heavily traumatic. And it fucks me up so badly, because I know how awful it is of me to feel this way. I don't want to keep them from being happy...but I don't know how to stop my broken brains from feeling so in pain either.

Am I supposed to just throw it all away? Does this all mean that I'm just not good enough, too broken to love someone? If I'm not lovable then I don't want to be alive. If I can't be like everyone else, if I can't live without hurting others, then I don't want to keep living in this world.