God dang guys, at 35, I thought I'd never fall in love ever. I haven't dated in 10 years because of my issues. I've had a firm, "love yourself before you can love anyone or anyone can love you approach." I did though. My friend of 7 years. We lived together for a couple years too. She's not that pretty but to me she's a goddess. I don't understand it. 

I buried that shit deep because she was engaged to my friend so it was one of those silent struggles. My med provider, bless her heart, referred to it as a, "Crush" on my friend. No way, not in a million years. She broke up with her fiancé. She was vulnerable and sending me mixed signals, like obvious mixed signals, I read them to her ex, but it's come to light that she cheated on him, my friend of 10 years. It's also come to light how often she lies and has lied to me. 

She said she wasn't going to date, she said she wasn't even interested in any sort of relations because she was so messed up, the whole time a lie. I never told her how I felt because I decided to believe her and be the best friend I could be, no strings, nothing to gain, just her healing and fixing her fucked up issues I had been begging her to address for years. We all still live together too.  Friendship is over forever, and I'll never see her again in 2 days.

 I'm fucked up even though I know I should hate her. I can't, I'm angry but I love her. I will never tell her though. Soon I shall be free, I hope. These feelings sparked something in me though. I feel the urge and need to Date, I can't love myself the way I want but I know I can love and it's not impossible. Maybe give me a internet fist bump. Wanted to vent a bit because the next few days is going to be rough.