I have not been diagnosed but I was thinking of seeing a therapist soon. I've been trying to look into different mental illnesses to see which I could relate my symptoms to the most because it's clear by now that I have one. I know I'm "not allowed" to ask for diagnoses on here but I was just want to know if anyone on this sub relates to the way I feel or not. I'm looking for guidance here as to my situation.

For well over a decade now I have constantly fluctuating emotions, sometimes one feeling will last for days or weeks, sometimes only a few minutes. As time goes on, the feelings have been fluctuating much faster and more rapidly, and have also upped in intensity, which has become really difficult to manage, hence why I'm going to seek some therapy soon.

l'll start off feeling relatively fine with my life, nothing really to worry about, maybe not the happiest person ever but I don't have much to complain about, just things to improve on, go at it slow, be cool, whatever. Then suddenly, I'll start feeling like something "has" to change, this life I'm living is "not right" and I've been living in denial for over a decade. I have this burst of "divine inspiration" or "purpose" and act like I'm having this sudden big brain moment where "it all finally clicks" and I've come upon some kind of fucking revelation. 

I decide I'm going to finally "overcome" all my issues and make friends, find a relationship, all that. I go through intense anxiety and stress trying to talk to people and get to know them, but feel like I'm "making huge progress" because I'm able to hold normal conversations, and have my big brain hat on and give very articulate, detailed paragraphs on my thoughts and feelings, and pat myself on the back when I hear people give compliments saying "oooh you so smart."

Then suddenly, it all comes "crashing down". I feel this intense, desperate longing for validation, affection, love, lust, all this crazy-ass shit emotions out of nowhere. I feel like everyone I just met within the last day "isn't cutting it" or they must "obviously hate me" despite how much I apparently "need" them in my life. I feel like I have become completely desperate and dependent on an intense longing for intimacy, but it's "clear as day" that I'm "never going to get it at this rate" and resign myself to my miserable fate.

I then begin to panic, typing countless paragraphs and essays to people, "desperately" trying to "reach out" to the one and only person that may save me from my horror. I find a few people to talk to, but then suddenly, I get bored. I start feeling like I just "can't be put upon" to keep forcing myself to reply to these people, talk to them, yada yada, it's all just so tiring, why do I "have to" put up with this? I just wanna be alone, why is talking to people "such a pain"? 

I ghost everyone I had met, delete all of the social media I just made, and decide I'm "never going to bother with this ever again". I go back to being a hermit, "realizing" to myself that I'm so much better off this way, I was a fool for being so deluded, impulsive, and hyperactively desperate for needing people, what was wrong with me? I don't need to freak out so much. Just be cool. Rinse and repeat.

I've gone through this pattern hundreds of times by now, for around 15 years. I can't maintain a single "friendship" (if you even want to call them that) for more than a couple weeks at most. The few friends that lasted longed I dumped and ghosted but when I inevitably came back to them during my "freakout" phases they continued talking with me. Then I'd dump them again. What in the HELL is wrong with me? Who the hell even am I? What the hell do I WANT?!