My mother and I have always had a turbulent relationship, but she was someone I could always, reluctantly fall back on. 

Yesterday I found out she was complicit in my sexual abuse as a child. She didn’t participate but she knew it was happening, she saw it with her own two eyes and backed away because she was scared of her mother, my grandmother, my abuser. May she rot in pieces. She let it continue for years. 

Her presence now sends me immediately into a severe panic attack. I’ve been to the doctor, told some friends, and contacted a phone crisis counsellor. They all helped but ultimately I have to go back to an empty house and somehow function. I feel like I’m overreacting because in my head this is beyond anyones coping mechanisms. Yet the support offered is no different to that of moderate depression. This may be historical, I may now be an adult, but my trauma response is the equivalent to it just happening, but unlike the child I was when it happened, I completely understand it and how fucked up it is. My brain is processing this as, you just got sexually assaulted by your grandmother and you mother did nothing to stop it. 

I feel for every other creature but I can’t wait until humans are wiped from the earth by their own doing. Life is an objectively shit experience