My history:_x000D_
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I've seen many people who can better manage their depression with a partner who guides and directs them when they need help. With my relationship, however, this has been more problematic for my girlfriend who has been here with me for almost three years. When we first started dating, I started developing an eating disorder that would eventually leave me hospital bound for more than a month. This was something I started as a self-punishment for not knowing which direction to take in my life. Evidently, my self-punishment became its own standalone eating disorder that manifested in me for quite a while afterwards. Basically, I was unfair to my girlfriend, and I would often overburden her with my emotions or threats to leave when I faltered because I was too much. We are still in college, yet the situation really hasn't changed much. I will fall into depressive episodes where I feel better off alone where I can't emotionally harm anyone else but myself. When I try to relay my sensitive feelings around my depression, she tells me to stop. It's understandable given how awful of a person I truly am. Sometimes, I will get upset or even try to convey emotions that would make her want to leave me. Surprisingly, she is still with me but has confirmed that she will not marry me unless I start getting treatment for my depression. We aren't planning on getting married until a few years into the future, but I have honestly lost hope and some desire to marry her because I am just a problem. I've developed so many problems that backfire on her, and there is no way for me to feel that I could give her a happy marriage. I feel that she is better off without me, especially because I would hate myself more if she married me and regrated it. I personally have little faith in psychiatry or therapy but was still willing to try it, however, I can't afford to invest in either of those with my plan to pay for university._x000D_
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My thoughts:_x000D_
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Ultimately, I don't think this relationship can last because I need help, but I don't have the time or funds to help myself. I also can't keep dejecting her with my emotions until I can afford help (possibly) next summer. I really wish I could better myself, but sometimes I just fall harder from the effects of failing my partner so many times when trying to. I love my girlfriend, but I find it harder and harder to say that when a loving partner would be able to actually change. I’m not making her happy, so I don’t really fulfill a purpose for her anymore. With regards to depression, would it make sense to let her go because I have no positive outlook, or would it just do more damage to both of us? _x000D_
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I can't really mention this to my girlfriend without causing another incident to stress her out, so I wanted to see how others approach something like this. Sometimes it's helpful to communicate and share with others how things feel and how they approach problems.