28f, depression and suicidal ideation seem to be my main problems. Lashing out at people when I feel this way resulted in my getting kicked out of participating in two events I had been looking forward to for six months. The friends I'd planned the events with refuse to speak to me or acknowledge my apologies.

I feel like I can't blame them at all and I deserve to be shut out of their lives. But then, how am I supposed to get better if my closest friends refuse to speak to me? 

Context. I let everything cool down for a good 4 weeks before apologising. I let those events pass by because I knew everyone was busy. Since I apologised it's been another 4ish weeks and I've heard nothing. 

If my friendship and character prior to all of this isn't enough for my closest friends to understand that I truly mean my apologies, I'm not sure why I should stay alive. They clearly want me gone.