I self-medicate and distract myself to avoid deeply feeling all my feelings. I realized today that I'm afraid if I feel everything, I will actually die. 

I've dealt with depression for so long. I've gone through years where the darkness would not relent, and phases where I just couldn't function. During my worst-ever episode, I could not get out of bed, and I was terrified that I was going to end my life. It was the scariest, most painful thing that's ever happened to me, and it all came from inside me. That was 6 years ago.

Nowadays, I'm mostly ok, but I can't seem to make myself be present. I feel like I'm hiding out from my life, missing out on everything I want and everything meaningful. And I realized I am so afraid of being sucked back into that hole, the one I barely made it out of before, that I am living in avoidance. I'm so scared of myself and my emotions because they had the power to make me almost kill myself. I feel like I have to stay busy or high because if I face my pain and cognitive dissonance, then this sense of emptiness, worthlessness, and loneliness will swallow me up.

Truthfully it even extends to positive emotions and experiences. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough for any of them and any kind of deep feeling can take me down. 

It would be helpful to hear if anyone else can relate to this experience. Thank you in advance to anyone who bothers to read or reply. &lt;3