Because of what my mother modeled, I have a natural tendency to want to draw very bright lines around who is on "my side" and who is against me.  I want to push conflict to a head and burn down all relational ambiguities.  For both her life and mine, this has led to a lot of broken relationships.  So in March 2020, when I started DBT, I made a deliberate decision to steer away from relational ultimatums and bridge-burning showdowns.  This has resulted in me becoming very lonely, as the people who I made enemies with before still hate me while the people who I was once sure were firm friends I can't be sure of anymore because I no longer force relationships toward that all-or-nothing binary.  I \*try\* very hard not to call people out on things anymore.  I am trying to break toxic habits.  But the unexpected result is that I no longer have any sense of closeness with anyone.  Those who still have vile toward me are potent while those who don't are now more neutral than a force of reassurance or strength.  So my life feels very lopsided.  I am constantly afraid of being attacked.  That's nothing new, I've felt that since early childhood.  But it used to be that while I knew my enemies, I also knew who would stand up for me no matter what.  Used to have enemies and allies.  Now I have enemies and acquaintances.