I am inexplicably confused and scared right now. I don’t know what to do.

I was (am…?) in a relationship with a man. We went through some very bad things, and, as far as I can comprehend, the relationship is over. I believe he has moved on. The “very bad things” I mentioned above are much too complicated and painful for me to describe here, but basically, all of the things that happened ended him in jail multiple times, and most recently in jail for many months. I am not asking for the judgement of him, so don’t even bother asking why he’s in jail. It is not your business. Please. It’s so unbelievably complex and I haven’t even processed half of it at this point. I’m just so exhausted. I wish I knew what to do or how to feel.

Anyway, long story short, he’s been there since October. We obviously have not had any contact since then, because he was obviously incarcerated, and also because I do not have access to much of the Internet on my phone anymore. I only have a few apps which he does not frequent, and I cannot contact anyone through iMessage that is not approved by my parents. That’s an entirely different story. No, I’m not grounded, and no, I didn’t do anything horribly wrong. This is just how my young adult life has always been.

Moving on once more. I was on YouTube today — one of the few apps I have available on my phone — and I decided on a whim to look up his channel, just to… see. It was a stupid mistake, because I always worry that my parents would somehow find out and really, really hurt me. They do not like him at all, and they are the reason he has been in trouble. It was so stupid. But I noticed that, only two hours ago, he posted a short video of him with a new haircut, a cleaned apartment, and surrounded by a bunch of booze, saying that he was out of jail and ready to get “hammered”. My heart sunk and I felt so horribly shivery, anxious, and so confused all at once.

I am pretty sure he posted that video just for me to see, because he specifically made his YouTube just so we could kind of stay in touch throughout the really rough times. But I don’t know for sure. Was he trying to make me upset or jealous, maybe, since he might have made an effort to contact me but I didn’t respond due to the fact that I have no social media? I don’t know.

I’m so upset and I really need to hear some thoughts on this. What the fuck do I do? Do I contact him and risk my heart being shattered once again and my freedoms also taken away from my parents? Do I wait to see if he does anything else?

He wasn’t scheduled to be released from jail until six months after October, or more. It’s Christmas Day. I don’t know what is going on. I’m not okay right now. Please, someone, just tell me what to do. I can’t risk telling my mother (who I love with), obviously.