I don’t even know where to start, so this is just going to be me rambling.

The events of the last few years have made it harder and harder to keep in touch with people. I put 110% into my friendships/relationships and I get upset when I feel like the same effort is not being returned to me. COVID and life just being super busy ever since has broken so many of my bonds or caused people and I to grow apart. I’ve always jumped between friend group to friend group but now I’m at college an hour away and don’t have anyone. I’ve tried to stay in touch with people but more and more, I feel unconnected to these people.

And I feel angry with these people, even though I know they’ve got their own stuff going on too, and I get angry at myself for feeling that way. Teachers, friends or cousins that I felt close to even a year ago act like they’ve forgotten me and I wish I could just forget myself too a lot of the time. They can at least get up and leave, I’m stuck with myself for as long as I live. This leaves me with a perpetual and profound sense of loneliness and self loathing.

When my social battery is charged, I try to reach out and connect with new people, but that battery depletes incredibly fast and then I end up ghosting people so I can be alone. It just feels like I’m caught in a loop: I get lonely, I do things to stop myself from feeling that way, I get exhausted, I just want to be alone, and then I’m back at square one. Over and over again. That or people just drop me first and I walk away as I don’t want to be the one forcing a friendship. Again. 

I feel so detached and like I lack a personality around people. I’m dry as the Sahara, I often have to force myself to look at people let alone make eye contact, a lot of my smiling is also forced, it’s hard for me to speak properly and I usually just don’t even know what to say to people. I can’t focus on conversation because I’m too busy worrying about these other things so I always feel that I look either unintelligent or like a weirdo. I had hoped college would help treat some of my social anxiety problems but if anything, they’ve just gotten worse. I feel like I started to hide my true self growing up because I feared judgement from my peers, and now I have no sense of self. I don’t know who I am or what I believe in or what my traits are because they constantly shift around.

I question if college is even the right path for me. I’m not even convinced if I want to stick to my major or what I want to do with my life, and I just feel so bitter and cynical about the world we live in. There’s so much hatred and injustice and cruelty and we’ve all been exposed to it nonstop for the last few years. I feel angry at myself for being bummed out when there’s been nonstop literal atrocities everyday. I am literally so privileged, I have friends dealing with far worse, and yet here I am, hiding out in the shower and venting on Reddit.

I think what makes all of this worse is that I can go from feeling relatively okay to feeling super miserable at the drop of a hat. It’s so frustrating and my motivation has been impacted by this. I feel like the only people I still feel connected to are my immediate family but I’m so far away from them and need to accept that I can’t just live with mommy and daddy taking care of me forever. I love them so much but I constantly feel like I owe them and like I’m disappointing then, and it’s also just super difficult to talk to them about mental health or get them to understand.

I’m just incredibly tired and am counting down the days until I can go back home for summer next month.