I'm by no means anti-science, but after having a horrific experience with antibiotics (fluoroquinolone toxicity) in 2019 and no doctors helping me, I read the side effects of everything that I'm prescribed, then I check other people's experiences with it, and if there's absolutely anything that can be considered severe, I won't take it at all, assuming that I will definitely get side effects from it.


I've mostly self medicated my anxiety, but I'm suddenly terrified of that too because I had a bad experience with ambien, and I was totally unaware of that being a possibility. Now I'm scared that I can't even self medicate anymore without side effects. 

I talked to my psychologist about my anxiety, and she recommended a psychiatrist, but said that they'll likely give me antidepressants long term, and I should also look into trying Stresam or Ativan.

I've avoided antidepressants for ages now because of the side effects, mainly PSSD and anhedonia, I'd rather suffer depression and anxiety than suffer more in order to ease suffering. I did some research into Stresam and it can cause liver and kidney issues, as well as stuff like hallucinations, so that's a no. I'd be fine with Ativan because I've tried benzos before and their side effects at therapeutic doses isn't horrifying, but I know that using them long term will lead to addiction, and then the withdrawal will be horrific, so it's not really an option for the high level of chronic anxiety that I experience.

I've tried everything that doesn't involve medication and my life has devolved into avoiding everything that could potentially cause anxiety for me, and just staying in bed with distractions, because I can't deal with it anymore and the next option for me is suicide. So medication is seemingly my last resort, but I refuse it.

What do I do?