I’m 21F and I’m just realizing that my relationship with my mother might be unhealthy. I was attached to my mom by the hip way into my older years, the only source of affection I had in my household. My father only acknowledged me when he wanted something and my brother became aggressive and somewhat cold during his high school years.

My friends had started seeing this relationship and for the past couple years, told me it wasn’t healthy or a helicopter parent and I’ve only started seeing their point.

I’m just getting exhausted with how I seem to play the therapist that listens to every complaint she ever has but never seems to connect the dots and tried to fix those problems. My therapist claimed that she involved me too much into her marriage problems, it’s not subtle that they resent one another for a couple of reasons. 

I had heavy anxiety and depression and she relates by talking about her anxiety, which is much lighter and basically caused by my dad. There is a difference between bonding through shared experiences and just plain ignoring how the other person feels “I COMPLETELY understand I’m going through the EXACT same thing.” And not listening to another word they say.

I’ve been seeing a doctor for three years and desperately been trying to say that these pills aren’t helping until I finally gave up and just did what they told me. They tell me that anxiety is getting in the way, you don’t know how you feel or you’re just not giving enough effort to be happy. 

I finally broke down and tried to sallow all those fucking pills that I hated and got the cops called on me and mom took me to the doctor immediately. She told me in the car to refuse the 72 hours stay because of Covid but I know she just doesn’t want me locked up in the crazy ward with the other psychos. She was in the room with me and I was too scared to say yes to her face.

Weeks of getting subtlety blamed for being irresponsible, suddenly the memory was wiped and no one spoke of it again, not even the doctor. I was still suicidal afterwards but I didn’t bother mentioning it anyone cause it would just be my fault for feeling like this. I’m not even trying to be happy and I’m just wallowing in my own self pity, that’s why everyone seems to tell me.

A year later, I’m having heavy anxiety everyday and I think I have panic attacks, acid crawls up my throat and I feel like I want to rip my own skin off. I was stocking shelves and suddenly everything was super loud and bright. I went to the bathroom covered in sweat and almost dropping to the floor. My coworkers are becoming more worried and my parents are so calm about my distress. “You THINK that your under stress, that just the anxiety blowing everything up.” 

My doctor clearly treats me differently when she meets with my mom. I always feel ignored and like she’s consenceding me but she’s helpful and efficient when talking to my mom, which only enforcing to her to think that I’m the stubborn problem.

If I confront either one about their behavior then they have no idea what I’m talking about and think I’m just making stuff up that’s not there. I feel like I can’t trust my own thoughts anymore, like their right and everything is in my head. I feel insane and I cry so easily now because of the pure stress of these two adults controlling my pills and well-being and me struggling to keep up with everyone’s expectations while cracking on the inside. I don’t feel stable and feel like something might break if I can’t get real help soon.