Honestly this while post could be the title alone. I know it's a taboo topic and this'll probably get removed but it's how I feel. All my life I've been getting bullied for my skin color, my hair, my stupid ghetto "African name", etc. Any time I talk to someone using proper English they tell me I don't sound "black enough" because every black person on T.V is either some obnoxious, loud side character, some misogynistic, drug dealing rapper, or Kanye west. I just feel like there's no real path for me to be honest. I've got 0 family ties. Multiple 100 year gaps in my bloodlines due to slavery, and just no source of confidence or hope for my future. I've flunked out of college 3 times and don't anything but go to work and get high on my moms basement to pretend like I don't live as a fucking ape among humans. Literally erything I do turns to shit. I try to write and it looks like word soup, I try to play videogames, and I lose every game, I try to go out in public and every cop in my city is looking for a reason to give me a ticket, and chances are due yo my lack of responsibility they have plenty. My best friend finally gave up and has been living on the streets as a heroin adict for the past week, and honestly he seems so much happier than I am. Like what's the point of pretending to be capable when I'm not even capable of moving put of my moms house at 22 years old? When I don't even have a valid driver's license or car insurance? When everyday I don't do anything but wallow in my dark thoughts until I scrape enough weed together to forget about everything outside of my vision. Why not just give up and go live on the streets where I'll probably end up anyway? At least if I'm spending my days chasing dragons I'll have goals I can actually achieve and better ways to cope with my own identity instead of dreaming about a life I'll never live while being stuck in one I'll never get out of. And I know people will say it's all about mindset and it's about friends and it's all but this simple solution and that easy fix. Well the reality is that for some of us depression is an objective, concrete fact. There is no winning this battle. I deserve to feel like this.