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TW suicide

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I keep doing this thing when Im getting into a suicidal mindset. I tell people Im toxic and they should stay away from me, that I shouldn’t be in their lives anymore.

My sister had a baby. I know once I meet the baby I will fall in love with them and lose the option, the fantasy of suicide and that ... scares me. I want to know I have that option...

So I told her she should keep her baby away from me...

Thing is, my sister isnt stupid, we’ve had suicides in my family...

She was calm until she told me how much it hurt her that I said I didnt want to be in her life anymore. And it made me realize I put one of my other friends through it too and she reacted the same way. Other times people dismiss it entirely as stupid. I think of how many people I may have rejected and hurt. I pushed my ex away because I couldnt understand why she wanted to be around me and cared if I canceled a date. 

It isnt that I dont want them in my life but I feel like if they grow too dependent on me it makes it harder to potentially die knowing that they would be upset.

I get so angry, only inside. Why do you need ME. Dont you have others? Why does it even matter? Why do you have to care about me?! 

I want to prepare them because I don’t think I will last that long. Then again, I started having suicidal phases at like 14, over a decade ago. 

Im starting to realize that rejection hurts people too, and you’re damned if you do or dont on that count. And Im sorry. but... I dont know if my irrational mental illness brain has really truly fully learned the lesson. Being an asshole to my loved ones is my greatest fear.  And so far this rejection stuff is pretty much the only thing anyone has ever felt hurt by. 

I keep thinking the “venting” and needing help hurts them, but they always say it doesnt and all the evidence indicates that’s true.

I think of all the people Ive rejected starting friendships with or lost touch with. How many actually felt bad that I didnt want them more? Fucking why? 

I gotta stop that shit.