But why am I so hard to love. 

My partner of 4 years does not understand the reality of living with BPD and does not care to understand. I have been trying to work on my reaction but he says the right words to trigger me and then I am a bad person. 

I understand it is hard to live with me but I have a lot of love in my heart and I want to give it out. I have so much shame after my outburst that I don’t even know what to do after, i always apologise but to him these are empty words. 
it is always turned into something he says 
“ A manipulation technique”.  

I feel so much shame in who I am and I believe nobody will love me enough to understand me.