I honestly feel like I’m damaged goods and no one will ever want to put up with me because I’m so fcked up and it’s too much for them to handle. The fact that I’m so inappropriately dependent on other people just makes me want to die. Like I wish I didn’t care about anyone or feel such a desperate need to be loved and cared for by other people. I’m really disgusted and ashamed when I think about how vulnerable I was with my FP in the past, when they never really cared about me like I did them. That, combined with losing my only real other friend has made me isolate myself and cut myself off from the possibility of having relationships. The truth is, I barely survived being heartbroken by my FP and I’m terrified of the possibility of it happening all over again. I’m not sure if I’ll survive it.

I don’t go out, I don’t reach out to people, I don’t socialize unnecessarily, not even with family. I just go to work, and these past few days I can barely even get up and do that because of racing thoughts and lack of sleep. I’m reluctantly about to start therapy again, only because my Bpd is interfering with my work, which is the only thing that still gives me any feeling of self-worth or purpose. I still have to wait at least a month because the therapist I’ll be seeing has a waiting list. I’m so exhausted, I just want to disappear.