Hi. I’m 17, just graduated from high school, unemployed, looking for a job. I got diagnosed about a year and a half ago. 

The signs have always been there. When I first got dxed it felt really liberating but now I just don’t think that it is. Whenever I tell therapists about it they usually doubt me and say that I’m too young to have it. Or that I’m just experiencing adolescence. My mom and my stepdad say that I’m just a bitch. My mom tried to teach herself about BPD for two weeks and then just stopped reading about it. My stepdad doesn’t care about any of that shit. I feel so alienated from everybody. Like nobody understands or cares what’s going on in my head except for the people who are paid to. 

My mom always yells at me. I usually yell back. She says that I’m going to end up in a hospital for the rest of my life if I don’t get better. She says that I’m going to get fired from every job I ever get if I don’t be more responsible and accountable for my actions.  She says I’ve never had it that bad, because her childhood was worse. She’s right. 

I think about killing myself and hurting myself a lot. I always have to lie about that, though. If I tell the truth I get yelled at. They call it “concern” but it doesn’t feel like it. It’s my own fault I’m like this. If I tried harder I wouldn’t be such a brat. I wouldn’t be such a burden to others if I were just better. But I don’t know how to get better!! I’ve been to so many therapists for so long and the therapy only works shrike I’m seeing them!! I tried DBT but my mom was too busy to participate so I had to opt out!!

Right now I’m bleeding because I cut myself. The blood’s gonna get everywhere. I’m so fucking stupid. I can’t do anything right. My parents are right to hate me. They’re right to want to throw me away. It’s my own fault that they do. I’ve been self harming for so long. I can get by not doing it, I have before. But I always come back to it.

I wish I were allowed to say that I want to have another brain or something out loud. I always get told “no you don’t! You’re perfect just the way you are!” But I’m not. I’m too forgetful. I’m too lazy. I’m not the person who I should be. I manipulate people into thinking I’m a good person but I’m not that. I’ll never be good. I always get told that being a good person is a choice, but is it? I’m so fundamentally flawed I don’t think I ever had the choice.

I have two job interviews at dead end jobs tomorrow. I’m probably going to fuck them up. I fuck everything up. I’m better off dead.