I've been on and off dating apps for a couple years now. I've gotten pretty close to a first date a few times but nothing has worked out. The rest of the people ghost me.

I don't immediately disclose my mental illness (schizoaffective disorder), but the illness plays a significant part in my inability to make a connection. Even while on medication, I have mild remnants of what I used to experience. Very mild hallucinations, paranoia, disorganization, anhedonia, etc. I miss a lot of social cues and I come off as really direct and bland.

I really want someone to see me for who I am rather than see this awkward, robotic confused person who can't get through conversations, but no one reaches that point. I'm not into the same music most people are because of the anhedonia. I have a hard time talking about many things like TV shows and I quickly run out of conversation topics. But that's over text, I'm better at in-person conversation but I can never get to that point.

I also sometimes feel like I'm missing something about dating apps because the other person doesn't "talk back" if that makes sense. I feel like I'm doing the heavy lifting. I'm also gay if that matters. It feels really hard to have a relationship with other men, with the pervasiveness of hookup culture. I would be fine with hookups but I don't know how to that either.