For the past year, have had this incessant fantasy to kms outside my ex’s apartment halfway across the country. We dated for 2 months, 1 1/2 years ago. Queer/gay here, 30, cis male, was my first serious relationship. I dumped him. Then proceeded to sabotage my entire life. Pissed everyone off. Ran away. Literally gave away my free house, car, friends &amp; lifestyle to hide in the woods on the other side of the country where my parents live &amp; quickly slip into a suicidal depression. Tried to go back to my old life, or some resemblance of it. Jesus fucking Christ that was the most traumatic thing ever. Every memory of my ex in the 6 month I was back living in SF gives me both homicidal &amp; suicidal rage. He, &amp; his home, his lifestyle &amp; everyone is still what I idolize, envy and want but cannot have because I can’t keep a job, can’t face any of those people socially and just want to tell everyone how fucking not ok I am at all &amp; would v much like to demonstrate that fact by going to kms outside this apartment, splattering my brains all his window outside his front door, so that every time he leaves the house he vividly remembers seeing them splattered everywhere &amp; eventually feels like he has to move. It’s way too much. I’m prob going to the hospital today because I went off my lithium. But that’s how I’ve felt for a year. Exactly that way. I doubt I’ll ever feel differently. I’m sick &amp; need help. But really, in this state I think there are other people (like him) who shouldn’t be allowed to take up any space in the world because it takes space away from me to the point where I’m hiding in a different city hating my life envying his and wanting to fucking die. Obv none of that is accurate &amp; is way distorted thinking this is a huge vent before I go into the hospital for an undetermined amount of time &amp; the only safe place to put these feelings is into a journal.