***If you make it through this post, thank you for taking the time, sincerely. I had to get this out, in the hopes that someone will understand and tell me I'm not alone in this.***

This is a common feeling right? 

Every day it feels like I am swimming upstream against a really strong current and if I let up on the effort for even a moment, I lose so much progress and sometimes end up further back than where I started. 

It's been like this for years. I'm 30 now, and it's beyond exhausting. 

I'm 30 and I barely know who I am. I struggle with every aspect of my life. My health is OK because fortunately I spend enough time eating right and working out that I don't have to worry too much about that. My hygiene is garbage though. My relationships are strained or barely there. My romantic life is a total catastrophe. I hang on at work by a thread because I hate my job but to lose it would be beyond devastating.

I'm transgender. I'm pretty sure. Had experiences pointing to this since I was a kid, but thanks to a lifetime of repression and denial coupled with the identity issues from BPD, I don't even fucking know. I have no internal context for what I am since I am a million things and I am nothing. The only thing I can do is transition blindly because what I want more than anything is to live my life as female, and the happiness I feel for the first time looking in the mirror and seeing "her". Cool. Still would be nice to feel *certain* in it, to feel like this is what I *am*, rather than some apparition created by BPD. So I'm stuck with just doing what makes me happy and ignoring the constant "what-ifs" that have plagued me on every single topic that makes me anxious. "What if I have a bad heart? What if I have skipped beats because I have a heart infection? What if that's what I feel right now? What if it kills me before I can get to the ER?"........FUN. 

My relationship is a minefield of my own emotional outbursts and the consequences created by them: "Is she telling me the truth? She's never shown me I can't trust her, but surely she's lying to me now, I know she is. She wont admit to it! Why can't I trust her? Now she's upset with me because I blew up on her because I was frustrated because I assumed she meant something entirely different, I know she meant that because I read between the lines, I know that look and what it means!"

Outburst after outburst. Depression, then numbness, then wrecklessness, then anger, then mania, then numbness. The only thing I can count on with my emotions is that they will change, and *fast*. 

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The worst part is...no one ever seems to understand. No one seems to understand how much of a fucking miracle it is that I pay for my own apartment now, that I pay my bills, that my credit score is going up, that my weight is going down, that I fought through every bit of bullshit society has thrown at me for transitioning and survived.

No one understands how all of this came not through slow progress, but through years of self hate, fuckups, misery, life  beating the shit out of me, and getting better when there was absolutely no other choice left but to end it. 

No one understands how hard it is for me to get through the day without burning everything around me to the ground. 

No one understands what it's like to have the smallest frustration rip 10 years of anger from deep inside you and fill you with blistering rage, turning you into a demon hell-bent on devouring everything good. 

No one understands how hard it is to leave a room in a minor tiff, to cop an attitude while saying "I'm out", while everything inside you is telling you to scream at them everything they've ever done wrong and how maybe it would be better if they fucked off out of your life for good. 

Maybe you guys get it tho. 