I know it shouldn’t matter and that people have so many other facets about them to factor into self worth, but I genuinely haven’t been able to move past it for my entire life. 

I guess it started when I was a kid and couldn’t understand why other kids didn’t like me and purposely left me out of things and many times blatantly made fun of my appearance. 

One time when I was at the mall as a pre-teen, a group of boys stared at me through the glass at one of the shops and started making monkey noises and gestures at me. 

It just always seemed to me that good looking people get treated better and have an easier time making friends, finding romantic partners, and even just generally easier lives. 

I’ve sort of learned throughout the years how to use makeup and I do feel pretty when I wear it. But, loads of people tell me that I look completely different without makeup and that makes me so insecure. I’ve had enough experiences through dating and peers to understand that not only do I look vastly different without makeup, but I look significantly worse… and in my eyes, I look ugly. 

I’ve been feeling for a long time like a makeup catfish, and I’ve felt super unlovable because of it. I’ve really gotten to the point where I’ve resigned myself to be alone forever because I just can’t accept the way I look without makeup and I’ve realized that no other person can really deal with what my face actually looks like when I’ve drawn them in with my makeup catfishing. 

Today, I had a close friend who’s never seen me without makeup make some comments about how my face looks completely different without it (in a way that was clearly like “woah you don’t look as fresh faced and pretty as you normally do”) It’s been sitting in my head all day because it just reaffirmed that how I normally look is bad and ugly and any affirmation I’ve gotten about my looks with makeup on is just not even real, because it’s a farce. 

I haven’t felt suicidal in a long while but it really hit me today like a ton of bricks. I don’t know why my appearance is this important to me. I hate that it is. I love and admire so so so many people that are not conventionally attractive but are attractive because they’re just so personable or likable or funny or cool or confident or nice. I obviously don’t see any of those qualities in myself either but that’s not what I’m fixated on… I look in the mirror and I just don’t see any hope. I hate the way I look and I always have. 

I’ve spent the last few hours looking into assisted suicide laws overseas and states with minimal requirements for gun purchase. I really don’t know where to go from here. I’m so embarrassed to speak about this to anyone I know, including my therapist (who I won’t see for another 3 weeks anyway.)