I always knew something was wrong with me but it wasn’t til recently I was diagnosed with BPD. I’m in this on an off roller coaster relationship because I’m overly attached and don’t want to be alone. I’m terrified all the time of my boyfriend leaving me one day. 

He first found out I had a problem when he went through my diary one day. Finding out I’m constantly in pain. I’m constantly thinking about ending my pain.. this had to have been about 4 months into our relationship. 

He told me to get help or he was going to break up with me. Of course I wanted to get help even if it would destroy my plan to join the navy. Because I can’t lose him. It’s the scariest thing in the world to me. There I was diagnosed with major depression and medicated.

After he threatened to leave me if I didn’t get help, I panicked and I clung on to him and would constantly ask if we were going  to stay together. Naturally it was always on my mind... well that pushed him away further. He ended up breaking up with me because of it. I thought it was because of the medication I was on making me worse... well it wasn’t. It was the fact that I was losing him that was making me worse. 

I was putting in so much effort. So much energy in not losing him but ultimately that’s what pushed him out in the first place.

I went to his house after he broke up with me in so much pain begging for his help. Begging for him to give me another chance. Blamed it on my medication. I seriously thought that was the reason why. 

He declined and started shutting his door on me. I pushed his door open and shoved past him so I could get inside. I just wanted to talk. I just wanted to get better.  Well he put his arm around me and dropped me to the ground.  Threw a picture frame across the living room and told me that “you’re the reason men murder their wives”.  And was calling base police to get me escorted off his property. (He’s in the navy, base housing) 

I was living with him before this, was the day after our breakup. Was my home basically too. But my name wasn’t on the lease. It didn’t matter.

I was crying.. he didn’t care. He was just so ready to get out. So I left.. in plans to kill myself. The biggest thing about me is my fear of being without my loved one. It’s the only thing that makes me somewhat comfortable with life and I lost it because of my BPD. 

I went into the woods near his house. I wrapped a thick vine around my neck several times and choked myself out. I woke up to the vine loosened. I just laid there for hours. It was cold and dark and I just wanted to lay there till I withered away and the pain wasn’t there anymore. 

I was underneath some kind of bush. I’m no real sure how to describe it but I notice a bird fly in it right above me and then I noticed it had a nest up there and was feeding its babies. Later a cat came up to me and licked my leg and when I went to pet it, it ran off. It was actually kind of peaceful out there. Cold, lonely, but peaceful. 

I turned my phone on and a thousand phone calls and texts from my family, my ex, and the state police. I didn’t know why he was texting me still. I didn’t know why he even cared that I was gone. So he called me again and I picked up and he told me everything was going  to be ok. To just come back home. He said the police wasn’t there anymore. That they were going to search for me tomorrow.  He said my family is worried sick.

Eventually he convinced me to come out of the woods. It was dark and I cut myself up on thrones on the way back. They knew vaguely where I was because they did a missing person on me and tapped my phone. When I came out of the woods all I see is red and blue flashing lights and police officers. At that point my heart sunk. I knew something was going to happen. 

They ended up taking me to the hospital where I got diagnosed with PTSD and BPD. They put me on so much medication that all I did was sleep. I was there for about a week. I had bruises all around my neck from the vine I choked on. I called him while I was in the hospital and told him what was wrong with me. I kind of hoped he still loved me but he was cold and told me he was glad I was ok but he never wanted to hear from me again. 

So I didn’t contact him until I got drunk a couple weeks later and called him on his birthday. I didn’t even remember it. He said all I said was happy birthday over and over in a slurred voice. 

About a month later we started hooking up because I love sex. It’s something that helps me feel better. But mostly to do it with the person I love and care about. He ended up getting overly jealous because he wanted me to be only his and he wasn’t sure if we were just hooking up that he’d be my only partner so we made it an official relationship again. (Even tho I learned after he was still going out dating other people). 

I have a hard time trusting anyone. So I find everything out. We have arguments every day. I don’t mean to and I don’t like it but I know I cause it.  

Me and him have been together for almost two years now. Well on Dec. 7th 2017 he got drunk and hit me so hard he split my lip in half and my whole vision went black.. I needed stitches in my mouth and my lip. He feels really bad and refuses to drink now. I lied to the hospital to save his career in the navy. 

Since then all he wants to do it work through my illness. He has become more educated, aware and understanding of me. I’m still working on myself but really hard to get past all this . So much ups and downs throughout one day with me. 

People wonder why I still stay with him after he hit me but it’s because I’m so scared of being alone. I’m so scared of him leaving me and it feels like the end of the world when he’s gone. He’s my best friend. 


