Warning:Please be respectful and consider what I am saying because it's time I share what the source of my illness really is so unless you are wanting to help then comment also read the entire thing to avoid miscommunication.I remember back in elementary I had no friends(social isolation)for over a decade because I was afraid of getting bullied and harrassed since every time I opened my mouth I was made fun of and ridiculed so ever since I was twelve socializing more diagnosed with Unspecified Bipolar I remember getting up during the morning practicing manners like compliments and thank yous excessively,asking for help when I needed it but way too much and trying to do the same for others, spending quality time excessively with the people I live with, singing/acting and other things to entertain others if they wanted to be entertained,overspending on myself or others and feeling guilty if I overspent on myself  I would overspeak a lot and regret something I said if I said something rude and laughing at every joke others made and smiling,trying to cry in privacy so I don't stress out anyone, over apologizing and bickering due to misunderstandings, hyperfocusing on my life and practicing not getting jealous or nosy of others lives,reading to gain as much knowledge as I can so I can be more aware,doing my chores/jobs when I'm focused regardless of whether I like them or not but still having difficulty with my speed or boredom,making sure to be open at all times so no deception is made,making sure I never harm others/break the laws/be provocative while respecting everyone's backgrounds all too much and being into way too many children targeted stuff and several other things about my identity that doesn't fit with my peers,having excessive doubts about who I am,feeling very deep regret,believing I deserve blame and not other people,and admitting my faults and asking what if it's not enough and what if I don't get sleep tonight so then I would get sleeping pills/taking daily medicine and sleep. I remember brief periods of time when I would be relaxed and overexaggerate my achievements on accident and people would repeatedly say stop acting as if you're the smartest and etc it's conceited and judgemental while we are not and then it wouldn't last so I would head to my room and try not to bother anyone because I would ask what if I'm narcissistic or conceited for being this way and oversharing the things I love?What if I actually love bringing people down when I'm not this way?I remember disagreeing with what someone was doing and telling them to change it and getting repeatedly called judgemental and gossipy so then I would ask what if I'm a hypocrite? What if I'm destroying my own life by judging others too much?What if I'm a drama queen who will never control her emotions and never find a partner?I remember forgetting things or saying silly jokes and focusing again and being serious and people repeatedly saying you always put stress on me and stop acting stupid and I would ask What if I'm accountable for others stress?What if I'm abusive?What if I am stupid? What if I hurt people? What if I have a serious illness called Narcissism? What if I'm self absorbed or selfish?What if I'm a lost cause?I remember people repeatedly saying to me you never do anything to stop worrying and you never take care of yourself so I ask again What if the twelve hours of sleep doesn't help?What if my constant exercise of walking doesn't do anything?What if my neutral diet of water and food is just stupid?What if I'm too stupid to figure anything out? What if my journal of writing knowledge that people say is a waste of time IS an actual waste of time? What if my meditation and listening to music is just garbage and all the other things I do are nothing to help me stop worrying? I remember people repeatedly saying you just don't want help and you don't want therapy! Then I would ask What if I never listen to others because I don't care about people?What if my five therapy sessions I've had in my life didn't do anything?What if I speak too much one on one so it doesn't matter that I actually don't speak much in at least seven social situations?I remember people cursing/insulting/ignoring me when I tried to focus on them and asked them questions about themselves. Then I would ask What if I said something rude? What if I'm toxic?What if I was being nosy? I remember all the times I had conflict with people and the eight aquaintances/friends I lost and trying to repair them by coming back,accepting the things they've done to me as deserved and forgiving everyone and everything they've ever done to me and other things and ask What if I'm an energy sucking vampire? What if I'm accountable for every situation in my life so I'll never be able to take full accountability for anything? What if I'm mean? What if everyone hates me?and so on and so forth so this is what goes on I do some things about my issues,I confront and people often don't notice and I go right back to not paying attention,saying whats on my mind and asking the what if questions again until I'm worn out and eventually wanting someone to kill me or isolate me from the world to have peace.