Where do I start?? I suppose at the beginning. Hope tight, this is a long oneI was hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD around 5 months ago. Since then I have been working closely with my psych and doctor and even started DBT Skills Training this week. Things have been rocky, but I have been slowly moving forward. But this year it feels like one hit after another just keeps coming at me.

A couple of weeks ago I accidentally injured my hand and ended up breaking some bones in my thumb and wrist. It wasn't too bad at first and I didn't want to be a bother so I thought I could just feel with it myself. I started losing feeling in my hand so I went to the hospital.  This week I finally had an appointment with the fracture clinic and they put me in a proper cast.

I have a lot of trouble asking for help and I've been struggling with the fact that I have to rest and can't do a lot, which sucks because with everything going on for me right now, my coping mechanism has been to keep myself busy doing things. I haven't been sleeping because of the pain I'm in and today has been a really terrible day. Things escalated to a point where I self harmed and was combative towards my partner, so he took me to hospital because neither of us knew what to do. 

I spoke to the mental health nurse there and after talking to me for a few minutes she said that I didn't need to have a stay at the hospital, but because I had told her that I hadn't been sleeping because of pain and I was sure I would hurt myself again if I couldn't sleep for another night, she asked for a doctor to see me and get my pain under control. 

They sat me in the hallway for hours waiting for a doctor to see me and when they finally arrived, all they cared about was whether I had taken any drugs or alcohol tonight to cause me to come in tonight. She told me essentially that those with BPD area attention seekers. After that she said I could go home. I stood up for myself and told her there nurse told me that I would be getting something for the pain so that I could finally get some sleep tonight because the reason I hurt myself was because I can't cope with the pain. She said it's normal for you to be in pain when you've got a broken bone. Duh. But when it's leading me to this, then it becomes a problem. So she said she would get me some codeine. And then came back an hour later with a script for 5 codeine tablets. At 2am, when no pharmacies are open. Sigh. 

I am home now and am getting ready to head to bed. I am safe. I have a plan in place for if I am feeling like hurting myself. I will be ok. But I am so sick of standing up for myself and still not being heard.

TLDR: Self harmed tonight due to lack of sleep and pain from a broken wrist. Hospital doctors dismissed me and I needed to rant.