(I have posted a very short recounting of my problem previously on this subreddit. This is going to be a long one because I feel I didn't explain my problem well enough.)

My (17M) situation began in May. What seems to be high school-related stress (school in general is quite a stressor to me because of some unpleasant things that have occurred there in the past) triggered a strong and persistent fear that I might lose control and kill a family relative of mine (Harm OCD maybe?). I had vivid mental images of me gruesomely killing said family relative coupled with strong urges to do so, and soon enough it became unbearable enough for me to visit a private psychiatrist somewhere near June.

The private psychiatrist *immediately* prescribed Risperdal to me, which I found (via the Internet) to be prescribed chiefly for schizophrenia. This and the fact that the private psychiatrist didn't even tell my diagnosis to me (although he ruled out schizophrenia and autism) caused me to deeply fear that I might have schizophrenia and the psychiatrist simply didn't see it. Risperdal significantly blunted my emotions and made me gain quite a lot of weight, which I saw as unacceptable side effects.

Things became much worse when the psychiatrist ditched me in the beginning of July for unknown reasons. He simply stopped responding to my parents' calls. Fortunately, we found a psychiatric hospital near the city I live in and paid a private visit to the hospital's chief psychiatrist. She chose to switch the Risperdal l I was taking at the moment to that of a different manufacturer while also referring me to the hospital's resident psychologist. All of this, of course, was done in private, because I live in a post-USSR country and being officially monitored in a psychiatric hospital grants you the status of a disabled person. I do not want to ruin my future like that.

The psychologist conducted several tests (a personality test was one of them) and concluded that I am not schizophrenic, but rather quite neurotic, paranoid and very impressionable. The psychiatrist (which has been described as an "exceptional specialist" by the psychologist btw) said the same thing about me being paranoid and impressionable, but I don't believe them due to the experience with the previous psychiatrist, which has instilled a deep mistrust of mental health professionals in me. I've visited her three times since the end of July.

I've had huge anxiety about having schizophrenia for the past several weeks. It was awful - I felt like my head was splitting, I interpreted every little sound as a sign of auditory hallucinations, I heard indistinct whispering, I saw things at the corner of my eyes, I constantly woke up at night and had trouble falling back asleep, I even felt like I could hear my own thoughts. All of these sensations are still present at the moment to some degree. A day or two ago I calmed down a bit, but I feel like I've begun hearing internal voices. They are saying things like "Kill yourself", "You are schizophrenic", "Look at you", etc. I'm constantly asking myself "Am I schizophrenic?" Internally, and I felt like a female voice replied to me "Yes, you are! " I've been quite motivated to finish high school and subsequently move to a different country, but I feel that this motivation has been greatly diminished following the start of my treatment with Risperdal, and I've read that being unmotivated could be a symptom of schizophrenia. I'm taking 0.5mg of Risperdal and it's not helping in the slightest; in fact, I suspect that it's making my current state worse.

I've tried everything - incessantly reassuring myself that the fact that I'm researching schizophrenia means that I'm not schizophrenic, accepting this situation as it is, breathing exercises my psychologist told me to do - but nothing worked. As such, I'm lost right now. What is happening to me? I think it should be noted that everything that I've described began only **after** I've researched schizophrenia on the Internet and read **a lot** about it. According to my mother, I don't have a family history of any mental illnesses.

Could it simply be my impressionability playing tricks on me? Could the internal voices be my mind trying to psychosomatically replicate the things I've read about schizophrenia on the internet? The psychologist mentioned that I have "hypochondriac tendencies" and "mild depression" after she tested me, but I honestly have no idea what's happening to me anymore. I don't trust anyone and anything. I don't think I'll ever recover and lead a happy life. I don't have any actual friends. I just want to be happy and normal.

I am very tired.