Although the title moght be misleading, I don't want to keep living but I don't want to be the person who takes my life either. 

I've been dealing with some financial, career and overal motivation to keep trying. I'm studying something I hate because "at least I will get a degree" which is very important in my country. My mom got fired recently from her job and I got a job to support our family with the bills and food. I grew up with a family member who was very abusive towards me and I had to take care of that person because we somewhat depend financially on him. The thing is I know things will gett worse, this person is dying soon and with that his income goes away which means more pressure on my shoulders to provide. 

I literally have no clue on what I'm studying and I'm graduating next year which is going to make getting a job really difficult specially on a country like mine. 

My mental health has been spiriling down for a while now, dealing with loneliness, social anxiety, an addiction to porn and a growing drug addiction. I just don't recoginize me anymore. 

I used to be an optimistic person about my future and my passions, but now I just don't see a future for myself. 

I don't want to kill myself because the thouht of my mom finding my body breaks my heart, but I want something bad happening to me. A car crash, being diagnosed with a deadly illness, something that just allow me to stop trying. I don't want to live anymore but I don't want to be the one who pulls the trigger.