I never imagined I had an illness. I've always tried to make people laugh and smile. Ive also put myself out to be bullied and stood up for people who were bullied. Making jokes aimed at myself. For a few laughs and to say "Pick on someone your own size!" More or less. I never really understood why I would do that. I've always had a darkness deep down. 

But since the death of my mother two years ago, I can't escape it. I've found myself waking myself up from a deep sleep crying with no recollection of a dream. Only a deep sadness for my lost family. I go through episodes where my weight goes from 185-230 in a few months as I loose intrest in all my favorite activities (running, rock climbing, mountain biking). I've waited two years, changed jobs, moved states changed girlfriends, everything. But my sadness persists.  

I've always felt a slight annoyance with people who are the "attention seekers" with their illness. (Posting it on their social media bios and whatnot). But with the rising suicide rates in my career, I was thinking maybe its time to get help? This sadness seems never ending.  I don't want to be medicated.  I just maybe want to talk about what I should do in these episodes.  I never know they are happening until the "uphill" side of my "episodes". 

Maybe y'all can point me in the direction of getting help? Thank you for the read.