Hello and thank you for reading. I'm sorry if format or spelling is kind of crap but I'm on mobile and English is my second language. 

So a few years ago I met this guy online who I fell in love with and we decided to meet. But unlike all those happily united couples on YouTube my first instinct was fear. That was my first warning, but I ignored it. 

This guy was, which I later found out, diagnosed with certain mental illnesses which can go very bad if left untreated, which he did. I stayed with him for 4 days, alone. 

I had never had a relationship before and somehow convinced myself everything was okay, and that you're supposed to do certain things in a relationship. It's hard to explain but he made me believe he took care of me, even though what he did said otherwise. 

When I finally left I just couldn't stop crying, and it wasn't because "I would miss him". I haven't seen him since and I've realized he wasn't kind. I've talked about it in therapy. 

Now, when my mental health slips I just want to contact him. He was really bad towards me but I can still feel that longing amd it makes me hate myself. 
I am sure that I loved him and that he used that, but when you hate yourself it's much easier to forgive when someone hurts you. 

My problem is that I still miss him, and I wish to contact him even though I know it's entirely insane and stupid to do so. I just want to make sure I'm not alone with this. Nobody around me could ever understand why I sometimes still feel like he's the only person who can help me. 

Sorry for the rant.