I have it all. the perfect fucking nuclear family, a good scholarship program, loving people all around me, a roof over my head. 

Yet I still fucked up. 

I've been trying to write this for a while now, but I can't find the right words. Hi, I'm 18 years old and I want to kill myself. I don't have the energy to speak to anyone. I show way too many signs of ADHD but my mother specifically tells me I'm just lazy. For a fact, I know I have a shit ton of anxiety! I want to go far away so nobody has to deal with my selfishness and laziness anymore. We can't afford my mistakes, they shouldn't have to deal with my stupid lazy imbecilic shit. I can't deal with 60 hours of schoolwork a week. I'm not cut out for this yet. I'm just a kid....

But I know I CANNOT kill myself, because the people around me will be full of grief. The same people I fear the expectations of, the same people that told me I was lazy, the same people that gave me love, fear, anxieties....

I wish I could stop time. Just to fucking fix myself. Just to rest, to sleep, for one single moment. I'm overwhelmed and scared, of both my situation and myself.

Any general thoughts or advice etc appreciated lmao sorry if this came off as pretentious