I keep telling myself that this time, I'm going to stay grounded, that I'm going to get my life together here, that there's no point in moving since I've come back here within months every single time I've tried. That obviously this is where I'm meant to be, because otherwise I wouldn't come back time after time.

But the truth is, this place sucks the life out of me. I have no motivation, no job, no real friends. It's taking forever for me to get insurance or get back into treatment. I have a terribly codependent relationship with my "friend"/roommate...in fact, he's partially the reason I've come back so many times. He always rescues me when I'm in crisis, telling me to come back and stay with him. He treats me like shit while I'm here and he's engaged now, so I don't see what he gets out of having me here. Even more so considering I drain him financially when he has to care for both of us.

I've been objectively happier and more functional in other places I've lived. I was able to adequately care for myself and have steady income; even if I switched jobs, I had something lined up almost immediately. My biggest downfall has been the living situations I've chosen-usually out of desperation. They never seem to end well. Then, instead of trying to find other resources to stay, I choose the easy way out and come back here, despite knowing it's toxic.

Everyone keeps telling me the grass isn't greener on the other side, that I need to stay here and work through my issues instead of just running off to some other city. But deep down, I *know* I'll never be truly happy here again. I don't know if I ever was to begin with. I'll always be thankful for and love this city for welcoming me in as a naive 19-year-old girl. I'll always be thankful for the people I've met and the lessons I've learned. This is where I became an adult. I consider this place my hometown, even though I wasn't born here. Even still, I don't think I can reach my potential here.

Every day, I think more and more about just getting on a bus or plane and going *somewhere*. Anywhere but here. Maybe back to Colorado; I had the time of my life there. My roommate has offered to help me with bus/plane fare and give me some living money until I can get a job wherever I go. I know that leaving gives me another opportunity to break this codependency for good...I told him I want him to block me if I move so that I can't reach out for help. I think that would be for the best. I'm way too comfortable settling for mediocre at this point. I know I deserve more, but...

I'm so torn. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I just want to be happy.