woke up from a nightmare this morning.  screaming in terror.  my guardian rushes in to check on me. im okay. 

she gives me  applesauce &amp; I watch tv until I fall back asleep. 

i wake up again to a orange glow of the sun in the room. I lay in silence and wonder how I got here. 

it’s been such a rough journey. 

it’s my mom. 


she is the reason. 


my nightmare was what she joked abt on january 11th. I won’t forget her words. it actually happened to me in my mind.    


it’s not even only her words from January 11th. 

she murdered scarlett.  

the inner sunsprite that loved everyone. 


i am so fucked up now

im all doped up on meds. 

i am so violent. 

I just wish I could be the normal girl the world expects me to be. 

I wish I had the chance to follow my dreams. I had dreams while the sunsprite was still alive. 

now that the nightshade was born,  I was robbed of my whole life. 


she robbed me. 


years of abuse was converted into love, and guess where I am? I am losing the battle with life. 

i have someone fighting with me by my side and I love and appreciate him so much. but will we win? 

she doesn’t deserve to share the same planet with me. 

my heart, my inner nightshade  is still telling me to exterminate the issue. 

Mother’s Day is coming. i have already considered making arrangements with visiting again. 



i just want her to love me. 

my whole soul is telling me that I am powerful and worthy enough to have her begging the same way I did.

i can imagine when I do it already, I can imagine myself apologizing, and hugging her. 

by then it’s too late. she is gone.

the smell of pennies fills the room. 

i am cradling her. covering her wounds bleeding of liquid gold.  

i am apologizing. 


i am apologizing for the monster that you created. I let it defeat my inner sunsprite.


this monster with long and dark hair that still appears so innocent. she still seems like the sweetheart she used to be.   

she is hurt. 

hearing your screams of help hurt me so much. but I feel no sympathy. the same way I screamed this morning waking up from the brutal nightmare you caused is the same feeling you should feel. I felt this for years. I missed my childhood, my teenage years, and now adulthood bc of you. 

you were supposed to protect me from this fucking awful world. you were at least supposed to treat me nice. why mommy……. WHY? 

and NOW YOU WANT ME TO SPARE YOU? LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING DID……….

YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD ME. THIS ISNT SOMETHING GRANDMA SHOULD HV TO DEAL WITH. THIS IS YOUR FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY. 

you really fucked up. 

since my hospitalization last month, you payed for them to make me suffer. you are funding your own death. 

the moment when they first gave me the first pill, sunsprite was put to sleep permanently. 

i feel nothing but love towards you. 

my life is now over. i sit next to your lifeless shell, with the same gifted outfit from my 13th birthday.  


i hv my tiara on, i hv my sweet 16 bow. 

I sit with tears flowing from my eyes. the weapon next to me. 

my initials carved into your arm.


i will never forget that joke. 


it shattered me to the core.


I will never forget what I went through. 

you robbed me.  

sincerely ~


S.E.K💛

S.R.K🖤