I posted a week or so ago about a particular incident where a friend of mine started showing interest in a thing I like and it brought on a massive surge of visceral panic and anxiety.

This is a recurring issue, and I just hate how panicked and defensive and overall unpleasant it makes me. It puts me on edge and I end up not fully lashing out but sort of half-jokingly hinting at being upset in a way that I’m sure is quite clear to the recipient. 

Initially, I explained to my friend how it makes me feel and how it feels almost like a part of my identity is being sort of taken away, and they were like ‘that’s mental but I can understand it lol’ and they agreed not to mention The Interest any further, but then I felt incredibly guilty for the rest of the day and backtracked the next day, which probably was for the best, in fairness, because I don’t want to be controlling like that. 

But the feeling of intense panic and anxiety and overall defensiveness hasn’t gone away. It makes me feel like I’m inherently some horrible selfish gatekeeping bastard, even if the feeling is (in part) beyond my control, and I don’t really know what to do with that. 

I’m planning on mentioning the whole thing to my therapist when I see him next, but that isn’t for a couple of week.

Argh!!! Advice or opinions or just words would be much appreciated! 

Sorry to be posting about the same old thing again lol.