Hi. This is a throwaway. I've clogged up my main account enough with my issues. Long post.

tl:dr: I'm agoraphobic, and have had bad luck with therapists. Looking for suggestions on how to get some real help before this destroys my life.

I have some complex issues. PTSD, anxiety... and depression caused by feeling trapped by my issues. I have been in and out of therapy since I was a kid. "You need to get help" and "You should talk to a therapist" are some of the things I've heard the most. I'm here right now because I'm at the point where leaving my house is too much for me, so hoping to find some alternatives.

Anxiety is not new for me. Mom told me it's been since very, very early childhood. The agoraphobia is new. I've always been an introvert, but now I don't even want to leave my house. Pretty sure that was triggered when my mom died in 2019 (I was 24, 27 now, she was 54). We were tied at the hip my entire life so that one sucked.

Biggest red flags for me are: Having an panic attack every time my messengers ping (discord, teams). I'm talking full sweats, heart pounding, feeling faint. It's ridiculous. Breathing doesn't touch it, I have to wait for whatever adrenaline to pass. By the end of the day I'm too tired to function but too anxious to sleep. I have not had a full night's rest in 4 years. I'm worried I could drop dead from a heart attack. I'm in constant pain and I'm regularly too tired to even care for myself (shower, eat, clean up, etc). 

I'm at the point where this is affecting my life. I won't go to the store even if we need food. I can't get my work done reliably because my brain is in such a tired and anxious fog. My husband and I barely talk because if I'm not zero'd in on a game or my phone, I'm stuck in my thoughts and I freak out.

My last few therapists dumped me. They said I was too complex for their experience, which is fair. Better to tell me than to continue in a bad relationship. I just don't want to look anymore. Several have suggested that if I need help "in the meantime" I should seek out in-patient treatment. Not really ideal when I financially support my house and the people/pets inside. Two income house, but my income pays the bills if that makes sense. And now I'm to the point where going to a therapist's office is too much for me. Video calls are a thing, but a few consults I've had said virtual care is a bad option for me. UGH.

I'd give anything to go in-patient. I'm not suicidal, I'm just not sure how else to get help. I can't afford to lose my income though, I support myself, my husband, and our fur-children. His income could afford us to live in our cars, and he isn't skilled enough to find a higher-paying job.

Help.