Basically that. I've tried reaching out but no one really wants to talk it seems. I've contacted friends and exes. I don't know.

I feel like I'm turning over a new leaf and bettering myself for the first time in my life. About a week ago I went on a date with someone who very much resembled BPD behaviors. He behaved exactly like I normally would; the constant communication, the accusations of ignoring, the need for reassurance, the self-defeating, the immediate over-attachment, the harassment after I started distancing... This was only after one date and two days of knowing each other's existence. And it overwhelmed me. I didn't like it. And that was a terrifying experience because I could see my behaviors on the receiving end; not how I usually perceived them caught up in emotion and intent, but how the average person sees them. It was not good. So I've really been trying to hold back and not act on every impulse that I have.

Unfortunately, this holding back is keeping me from repeat calling my ex who doesn't want to talk to me right now. He answered the phone after multiple texts I sent him and I asked if he's been at work and he said no, he was just relaxing. I said I'd let him get back to it and I didn't mean to bother him and hung up. I consider that a huge success rather than arguing.

The thing is that I am so painfully empty and lonely and I need to feel that emotional attachment to someone. Right now. I feel so lost and I just want to feel good again. I want to feel loved. 

I just needed to get this out because I have no one to talk to about it. It's circling in my head and I can't resolve it on my own.

EDIT: *HA* why would you downvote me? I'm sorry I bothered you with my sadness.