Yes this is harsh. But I messed up. I lost 2 great friends in one day, and I can’t stop hating myself for that. One of the friends I had talked to for a while, and she lived out away on the other side of the country. I felt safe talking to her, and I vented a lot. That led to too much pressure on her end, and for her mental sake, she stopped talking to me. A completely valid reason. What was unvalid was me venting all the time. And I hate myself for that. 

The second friend was a girl I had a crush on. Basically, I liked her, but she was going on a date with someone else. She knew I liked her, and so I was like I respect her boundaries but I would like to see if we could still be friends. Then…..I became obsessive. I noticed she wasn’t opening my Snapchat messages. But she was active. Weird. At this point I didn’t think I had done anything. At this point I guess I was harassing, but my brain wouldn’t stop. It kept on moving and I got so scared that I literally couldn’t function properly. My entire body was like….dead, paralyzed in fear. So I do some stalking. Then, I find out she blocked me through a secondary Instagram account. Also weird. I began texting her, but she wasn’t responding that either. Why? I asked a mutual friend, but he got uncomfortable and ended up telling her that I was making him uncomfortable by making him the middle man. Great. I’m such an asshole. 

I kept on pondering whether or not I was doing the right thing. The therapist at school claims that I most likely had a psychotic event that led to these events, but I don’t know. I’m probably just a bad person. Luckily the dude was very calm and didn’t I friend me, even though I believe that he should have. 

But I’m a fuck up of a human being. Good people live in this world, but whenever I try to help I end up hurting people more. I’m so paranoid about messing up that I mess up and don’t even realize it. And it fucking sucks because I expect better of myself. 

What I’m getting at is that my anxiety and depression has gotten so bad that I lose friends and all sense of boundaries. I fuck up. And that’s no bueno. I hate being myself. 

My mental illness has been a greatly bad thing. But I hate myself so so so much. And that self hatred and worrying if everyone hates me has actually led to everyone hating me. And that sucks ass. But I’m so paranoid. Because I know everything I do is wrong.

And that’s why I don’t deserve this life. Most of the time when people try to help others, they end up making them feel good. But when a person like me does it, it ends up backfiring. I want to be a good person, but unless I can stop hating myself and believing everyone else hates me, and stop getting anxious about every little thing, only then will I be successful in life. 

If you read this through, I appreciate it a lot. Any advice will also be helpful, but just reading is enough. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better.