I have been managing my BPD symptoms pretty well lately. Using mindfulness to help my anxiety works well but I can’t seem to figure out how to help my brain not be depressed. I’m on Lexapro and Lamictal. Today is my 69th (nice) day of not drinking, which was my coping mechanism of choice for 15 years.

I called off work yesterday due to severe back pain (unrelated, must have tweaked it somehow) and I woke up and mentally couldn’t make myself get out of bed. Today, my back still hurt and I woke up wanting to cry but I pulled myself together, took a shower, put on work clothes, emailed my therapist, drank coffee... and called off work again after I burst into tears for no reason.

Yesterday, neither of my bosses replied to my texts about not coming in to work. My assistant did, though, so I know my texts were going through. Two days in a row I’ve offered to do whatever I can from home to no response. I texted a THIRD boss today to tell her that I didn’t get a response from the other two and to let me know that she got my message. No response yet. She’s on vacation which is why I didn’t text her before but now I’m getting really nervous.

They always tell me what a great job I do. They have worked with me to make a schedule work where I could take a day off during the week to go to doctor appointments when I had a lot to go to. They worked with me when I was in outpatient therapy after my last series of panic attacks (obv I didn’t tell them why I had to leave early every day to go to the hospital after work for a month). I’m afraid I’ve finally ruined everything. I really like my job. I’m just not dealing with things very well right now.

I asked my doctor for an excuse from work so at least I’ll have something to give them. Haven’t heard back from them yet either.

Fuck. Now I’m just laying here depressed, in pain, the anxiety piling up, feeling like I’ve probably ruined all of my chances that I had with building this career. I feel absolutely worthless, not like a real human, and like my fucking skin is too tight. Any support is welcome.