My anxiety is making me think about this a lot, especially after reading posts about pets dying by presumably neurotypical people and seeing how it devastated them.


My kitty is only 3 years old (4 in early summer). I'd say she's generally well taken care of. She has a warm bed and as much food as she wants (don't worry, most of the time I'm struggling to actually make her put on some weight rather than the opposite).


I regret one thing - I don't spend as much time with her as deserves, but it can't be helped. Taking care of a flea infestation in the apartment is hard enough - I'm also struggling with depression and recently both my partner and I have been infected with COVID and being immunocompromised, we're not doing too good.


She's such a special kitty - the cuddliest, most adorable, loud and downright weird cat. Sometimes it feels like she can't use her eyes. Or maybe she just doesn't care. I've never met a cat like her in my life. Probably never will again.


Even though I sometimes can't deal with her energy, sometimes she acts like she doesn't understand concepts most cats understood and even though she feels like such a handful to me... 


I just don't want her to ever die. To leave me. She's so special not just to me, but as a cat. She's not even 4, but I know that once the time comes, I'll be wishing I'd have done more, given her everything she wanted, wishing that time never came and I'll feel like no time has passed.


Damn this disorder and everything about it. My anxiety won't allow me to appreciate things I have. It makes me constantly dread their departure. I just wanna enjoy the time I have. I'm fully ready to just *end it*   if I'm ever left alone, be it by death or otherwise.