TW: su*c*de, 

Throwaway account just to be safe here. 
Posted on the other borderline sub, but posting here for more exposure and help as well. :) 

I (f, pwBPD) went to a party, got drunk, and punched my FP, ex-situationship (m). 

In my post history this week I wrote a post about how he keeps telling me he’s talking to someone else (when I know he’s not) as a way to hurt me and telling everyone, even people he’s never met before, that we’ve hooked up and I’m crazy. He is also always threatening to block me, knowing how it makes me spiral. Sometimes he goes through with the blocking, and sometimes he’ll just keep threatening it. When he does block me, he eventually unblocks after I make a new number and beg him enough. 

Earlier in the party I got attacked by his friend for my past actions between my FP and I. Being called crazy for harassment (even though he unblocks me after), asking me if I’m in therapy and telling me I need to go more, etc. This didn’t help.

I have been blocked since before the party and still blocked now. I have never, ever, gotten physical with anyone before and immediately after I hit him I felt like a horrible person and told him to call the police on me, which he didn’t. I continued to spiral while blacked out and threatened su*c*de multiple times while drunk. 

I have reached out to him twice since, once the day after the party to apologize and again 10 days later to see if he would like to talk. Both have been ignored. I am trying to stay strong, but it’s eating me up to lose my FP and knowing I might have actually hurt him. Is there any advice on how much space I should give before reaching back out? We go to the same gym together and I have thought about approaching him there… Just really need any help with this difficult situation. My mutual friends also won’t speak to me because of the situation. Please help!!!!!

**I am in therapy weekly and I am taking a hiatus from alcohol**