I'm not sure what I'm getting at here. Hell, I'm not even sure if I have BPD (not looking for a diagnosis, just support. IK I'm new to the sub. I debated so long about whether to post or even sign up, but I'm sick of this.)

&amp;#x200B;

To be brief, I internalize a lot and am having a bad week. Does anyone else feel like everything they do is just a role they adopt and that they themselves never choose to do anything? It's the weirdest sort of internal conflict because it feels external. Say I self-harm, at the end of it, I'll look back passively and think "I chose to be in that anguish; I had control over that." But if I my best nature had control, I would have chosen not to do it, right? I don't get it.

&amp;#x200B;

What's more, I feel like there's a second will always waiting to sabotage me, and I mean that in a purely figurative sense. My tendency to compartmentalize my self-sabotage from my daily life seems just perfectly tuned to convince me that maybe I don't have that big of a problem and just need to toughen up while the bad waits to strike again and seed doubt once more.

&amp;#x200B;

I know this straddles the line on the diagnosis policy, so delete it if you need to. I just needed to vent, to ask, to feel like I'm somehow not alone in this endless, faceless fight. I'm sorry if my posting here alone offends people. More than anything, I feel like I want to leave something here that other people will see because I feel so empty right now.