So my partner (wont say ex because it is VERY complicated) and I haven't spoken since the middle of november. He sent me a gift that I opened today and I didnt send him one because we havent been talking. The gift made me feel really weird and start cycling through thoughts of guilt and shame and worry for him because he spends christmas alone. Also I just had to cut off my best friend and I feel guilty about that too. Right now I only speak to my mother father nana grampa and occasionally to 1 friend. I feel like a horrible person and Im constantly guilty and im even more guilty because ive cut off every single person I care about. When I was opening gifts with my family I couldnt stop thinking about how terrible of a person I am and I felt like christmas wasnt christmas. Maybe its just because Im getting older but every holiday seems like its a non event.  I also spent most of the day cooking and cleaning and now im paranoid the fbi is going to somehow find something random to arrest me for and is going to kidnap me. My ocd really took the best of me today and Im just really dissapointed. If anyone got to the end of this rant Id appreciate any kind words or advice because I have nobody else to talk to