First, I need to say that English is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes hope y'all can understand because I really need to talk about it. 

That's kind of a long story, when I was diagnosed with bpd last year everything started to make sense, in the beginning I felt that finally I have find an explanation for my behavior and I get kinda of obsessed with reading about symptoms and others experiences. I always see people talking about fp and it's a big thing when you have bpd, seems to be the predominant symptom everyone talk about it and I couldn't find one in my life and of course I started to doubt about having bpd, but I checked a lot of things and I finally felt that at least there's a name, there's a group of people that struggle with the same things as I do, that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't that crazy. So, I continued saying that I have bpd because in the end I do and it's easy to explain myself even though I have times that my sense of belonging get so low that having a diagnose doesn't matter.

Anyway, the point is I realize that my sister is my fp. This year because of the pandemic I stayed at home all the time, online college and all that jazz. My sister is 12 yo and she, of course, stayed at home having classes. That resulted in me getting Extremely close to her, I always had an amazing relationship with her, my family is extremely mess up and she is the only one that makes me stay at home because I don't want to leave her alone dealing with all that. When she was born I make that decision that I would always try my best to protect her, I don't want that she suffers from the same trauma that I do. I don't know when it happens but I started to need her so much, like, I often said to my therapist that the reason that I haven't killed myself is because I don't want her dealing with a suicidal sister but then that kinda of intensifies? now I need her present, when i am having an episode i need to be by her side because she distract me, she helps me keep sane, when I'm alone, with my thoughts everything gets so loud and is so hard to stay alive, I get scared to be one minute alone, I follow her all the time. Once she said that I was boring and that hurt so much like I knew it that she said it without meaning but it hurt the same way. I'm always scared of doing something and she leaves me because she really is the only person that I have a true bonding. I was assaulted when I was young and I have a lot of trust issues even my best friend of 15 years I can't see myself depending on her because I'm always scared that she will leave me (one time she did, but after 3 years we started to talk again). So, I always felt that i was alone and i never will find someone because I'm 20 yo lesbian that never kissed you know? I have a lot of problem with intimacy and that created a wall, I don't or at least I use to don't have an fp because of that. Now, everything changes, I can't explain when exactly happened but now I can't live without her and the thing that scares me the most is creates a toxic relationship, is putting a lot of pressure on her and again she's only 12 yo she's becoming a teenager shes so young I can't do that to her but I don't now how to change it. I don't want to fuck up her head, as I said, I want her to have the healthy life that is possible, I don't want her to start to take meds with 17 yo. 

In conclusion, I don't know what to do and I'm sorry for this long ass rant. Hope someone sees it! (again sorry for my English 🤪)