I just started talking to someone. Well, we've been talking for a week or more now online and we're meeting up on Saturday. And idk how to feel about it.

It isn't even a date I don't think, just meeting up. He hasn't been flirty at all and that's actually what I like more.  Taking it fast and then getting burned in my last relationship has me so terrified to get close to someone, the slow approach has me feeling comfortable. 

But I'm also like...I've been isolating and far from others for so long idk how to handle being around another person. I'm shit at eye contact after making pretty decent progress with that in the past. The idea of him trying to touch me (even though I'm touch starved) makes me feel like I'm drowning. I don't ever want to fucking fall in love again, but the idea of developing feelings and having them go unrequited makes me feel like my skin is on fire.

Idk. I've never been like this before. I used to be so...open to others. And willing to let others in. I've never held people at arms length and now that I'm doing it I feel...idk how I feel. Is this who I am now? I can feel myself slowly ramping up what I'm sharing already because I don't want to over share and ruin anything, but I'm also not going to hide who I am at all because I'm fucking sick of doing that.

And that isn't even getting into the fact that my disordered eating habits and body dysmorphia are ramping up again, too and I'm pretty sure when he sees me in person he will be sorely disappointed if he even does feel an attraction.

I think once I see him in person I'm going to snap and ghost him. I did that with the last person I was talking to. Seeing him in person will make it real and I just don't see the benefit in befriending anyone or anything more than that. I'm disappointed that this is who I am now but.. I mean I guess it was bound to happen.