I just want to vent. Not looking for advice. Not looking for encouragement. 

It's bad again. And when I say it's bad I mean its fucking bad. My mental health is deteriorating. I knew what I signed up for when I decided to start being a full-time student and a full-time worker, but *man*. Oh man. I hate it here. now more than ever. I'm under extreme stress and it never stops. I just want it all to stop. Everything. 

The best part of my life is sleep. The worst part is waking up. I just want to sleep and sleep. I even delay going to bed because I dread waking up. I'm drinking again. 

And I smile now more than ever. I laugh when I'm under extreme stress. I don't react like I did as a suicidal teen any more. I just laugh because the thought of some day dying is the greatest gift anyone can ever give me. 

I'm going to die one day, and it will be the best day of my life. And absolutely nobody can take that away from me, it's mine. Death is in all our futures, death is in my future. And I fucking love it.

I'm going to give myself that gift very soon.

I fantasize about dying and it's what gets me through the day. Every. Day. That I'm awake. Every time I tell him I love him. Every time she calls me to know how I'm doing. Every time she tells me to eat and take care of myself. 

I smile because I hate it here. And I know I won't be here forever. The greatest relief is knowing I'm going to die, either at the barrel of a gun, or the end of a noose, or in the bathtub if I'm feeling extra silly that day. 

My death will come.