I was sitting in the living room comforting my sick 1 year old, normal day other than him not feeling well. I looked at my tv and my brain body slammed me into thoughts about how everything I love, everyone I care for, everything around me will one day be gone because I will be dead. This isn't the first time this has happened, but it is one of the worst times it's happened. My life is so much better than it was, I'm very happy and have so much I love, so this thought I've had numerous times became very amplified.

My mind attempted to imagine what being dead is like, it tried to imagine an afterlife, or just completely ceasing to exist as everything else remains. I panicked so bad I nearly screamed and cried in hysterics, but I rode with the feeling. I said, "One day I will be ready for this, one day I will not be afraid. Let's focus on what's real, on what's happening now. Let's focus on life."

Even if I'm never ready, I need to keep my mind in the present, where it belongs. It was acting like we're on our death bed, like today is the last time I'll see my husband and child, I had to convince it otherwise. It mostly worked, I calmed down relatively fast after repeating that a few times and focused on my beautiful son instead. I really hate when it does that, one of the times it did I actually did go into tearful hysterics and it took one of my alters fronting to stop it. I just don't understand the point of that happening, what's the gain of terrifying us like that? I don't choose to think about it but it happens anyway, what even is?

Then once it's over I can talk about it (as I am now) and feel perfectly fine. I just don't get it, brains are weird af.