Every feeling I’ve had today has been so strong. There are so many things going on. 

Buying books for college, going to a dmv appointment that I made wrong and getting dismissed and all dmvs within a hundred miles have no appointments available for me to fix, getting driven around or having to drive for my dad to get a present for his fiancée who’s birthday is this weekend, boyfriend being long distance now, I have to get a job, trying to connect with people I’ve known for years who are going to attend the same college as me and being ignored.

We stop in Walmart and I go to the baby food aisle because my lizard is constipated and I need to give him squash baby food. A woman looks at me. She thinks I’m a pregnant whore. Am I a whore? I have a boyfriend. We are committed to each other. My mom asked me if we’re going to stay together while we’re separated. Yes. Is that weird? How will we fare without as much physical contact? I don’t think I’m pregnant. But my nexplanon expires in less than a week and I need to get it replaced.

I acquired some alcohol from my grandmother’s pantry when I reorganized it while she was in the hospital. She got it from a friend with dementia who’s an alcoholic and left it behind when she went to memory care. She’s not gonna drink it. So I took a little. But it’s so fucked up. I have taken my lamotrigine with whiskey a couple times this week. I had never drank before. I don’t like it anyway. Why do I want more? Am I addicted? 

I have to miss my psychiatrist appointment because it was scheduled the first day of college accidentally. I asked the nurse to reschedule me and she said she would. She didn’t. They’re going to think I’m self sabotaging. But my old therapist said he doesn’t think I have bpd contrary to past professionals’ opinions because I’m punctual, so maybe they’ll take me seriously.

So many things. I could fill pages. Resisting the urge to pull out the shitty gin I stole and take tonight’s pills with that too. I don’t want to think.