Hiya everyone, I hope you are having a peaceful day today : )

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I am just ranting and venting so I can get my busy thoughts out of my head. My post will probably be very long so it is 100% okay if it is not read or commented. It's more about writing it down so I can express it. I think it will help.

I'm having a week of anxiety this week and it is just so frustrating. I have a week off work and of course my mind won't even let me enjoy it and prefers to self-sabotage instead. I really wish I was not like this sometimes. I wish I could just conduct life normally. As I am typing this post my arms are aching because the muscle tension in my back is not letting up. I am only in my mid-twenties and have had chronic back pain for years. Chronic headaches, chest pain, fatigue, blah blah blah. It never ends. This is what the rest of my life is going to be like - just keeping on trying to manage anxiety. There is no cure, I can't change my brain. It is so frustrating. 

My anxiety has started causing me to drop into these low moods sometimes. It has got a little worse at the moment, I've noticed myself becoming more insecure. I will be out doing some shopping and just keep thinking to myself how much people must be judging me, how my outfit must make me look like a wh\*\*e or something, and the words people must be thinking of when they see me. It is so stupid, I don't want to be like this. I used to not really care what people thought about how I looked. I worry that I am annoying my friends by talking to them. I worry I am talking too much. I have always had those anxieties around friends and social stuff though. I am dating this guy and if we don't talk a lot for a little while (he has a super busy schedule), I start thinking mean things about myself and that he must not like me anymore. Or that I have done something wrong. When I am stuck in my head things just seem so much worse and I get really hard on myself. I think he would be upfront with me if there was  anything wrong or he was no longer interested. And he is super supportive when I get worried about things and has encouraged/tried to help me open up, but I don't want to burden him or my friends and family with my frivolous issues. In reality, a normal person would think, "oh my friend/family member/SO is busy at the moment, I'm sure I will catch up with them soon!" rather than the whole catastrophizing "everyone must hate me!!!" stuff if someone can't talk much. I am literally an adult but this makes me seem so immature and stupid. Why won't it go away? 

I have always been someone who overthinks everything, worries about what could happen and the consequences. My mind is constantly busy. I don't always feel anxious or have anxiety, but always have an active mind. Sometimes I nap just to get some quiet from my head. 

I have studies at the moment and big assessment due soon. I keep procrastinating. I even started crying during zoom class last week (we keep our cam's and mic's off and work on our own stuff) just because I could see everyone was doing so well and were ahead of me. I felt so useless and confused and just sat there all dazed out staring at my computer screen. I wanted to drop out of my study. I did get some help from my lecturer and she helped me understand. But I still feel like I just simply can't do it. 

I tried therapy again this year but I found myself coming out of a recent session feeling worse than when I went in. I postponed my next session for like 6 weeks (I used to go fortnightly). I don't know, something my therapist said brought on more anxiety for me, which I know would not have been her intention. My previous therapist was really good (I can't see her anymore unfortunately). She helped me face some of my struggles (like opening up to people more, bringing down my walls, making new friends, being more social, being more in touch with my emotions). My current therapist made me feel bad for opening up with people more, I have started to feel like I should lock myself away and be alone again. That I should just isolate myself when I feel bad. I feel like I deserve to be in pain too, which is stupid I know. I know I deserve to be happy and loved etc. And that's why I do not self-soothe when I feel bad, because I feel like I deserve it. We were talking about how I don't need to tell friends and family every little anxiety I have - which I agree. I told her I already know and hold that belief and not put too much on others. But my therapist just made me feel like I didn't know that already and it has made me feel like regressing back to being more closed off again and feeling like more of a burden. It also upsets me when I say to my therapist, "thank you" or "thank you for listening" at the end of our sessions she kind of just leads me to the door and does not say anything other than goodbye. I wish she would say "you're welcome" or "I hope you have a nice day." It's like as soon as she gets the money she doesn't want me there anymore. 

There are a lot of other things I could say but it's probably all just useless trash from my mind. 

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But even just being able to write this down has been nice, so thank you to this subreddit for existing and thank you to anyone who reads. I hope you find some kind thoughts for yourself today ✨