Hey guys. I’m a first poster, and I warn this will be long. 

So, I feel like I need to tell someone who will understand, and that is all you fine people! My anxiety has gotten worse. Okay, I’ll give you some background. I had a fairly rough childhood, but not too bad. I grew up in a nice neighborhood, good times, but then my parents started having problems. My dad would actively cheat on on my mom, and she knew it, as did my sister and I. Fast forward, my mom used to pay me an allowance based on how much I could spy on my dad and find out about his affairs. Fast forward, he is addicted to oxy and coke and threatened to kill me when I was 13 because he thought I had taken his drugs (which I didn’t). 3 years after that my mom was diagnosed as bipolar, she thought he was trying to poison her and me and my sister. She went through a really mean phase of physically and mentally abusing me and my sister. And then shortly after that my moms mom (my grandma) died. And then shortly after that my mom’s dad (my grandpa) committed suicide. My mom was the one who found him in his home. If was death by gunshot to the head so it wasn’t pretty. Okay so, all of this happened before I was 17 and I’m leaving a lot out. I never had mental health issues. I did a lot of drugs and drank a lot, which I admit was a coping mechanism, was a little bit of a rebellious teen because fuck my parents right? I love them so much now of course but that’s how I felt at the time. My mom is still severely depressed and I am a partial caregiver to her because she still won’t get out of bed years later (I’m 24 now). My dad has moved on. I took some lsd when I was 19 and I had a horrible time. I feel like that really opened the door to my anxiety and panic disorder which I had never experienced before. I’m kind of glad for it all the same because if not for that bad trip I feel like I would have gotten into worse things as I had tried to find a heroin dealer (not proud of that). Now it’s been 5 years since then and I still deal with anxiety every single day. It has even gotten worse. I feel like each day I struggle not to panic, and now I have developed tinnitus in my left ear (a condition where to hear a ringing in the ears) and mine is constant. I feel at this point in my life I am so tired, exhausted, and at the point of giving up. My boyfriend is sweet but doesn’t completely understand. My sister has completely moved on from everything but I feel like I can’t, or something is holding me back. I’m not going to lie, I depend on alcohol a lot. It calms me, but then I don’t want to be an alcoholic either. I am asking for help here. I have looked into therapy but can’t afford the prices. I have tried working out and getting really healthy but it doesn’t stick. I just feel like I need help because I have no other words to say besides the fact that I am so tired. Life is too much sometimes. Any advice would be greatly appreciated:) 

Everyone is going through something. Whether you know them or not. I keep telling myself it will be okay but it’s so much harder to believe yourself when your mind is riddled with anxiety and guilt. Thanks for any help anyone has to give, I love you all!