Long story short, I feel like I’ve been putting on a facade my whole life. If you told me to give up all my hobbies tomorrow, I wouldn’t object or think twice about it. When someone says love yourself to me, I get stumped because I have no idea who I am. I feel I rely too much on external signals to try to define myself (like it’s wrong or “dehumanizing” to put too much faith in how your body reacts to your surroundings and that there should be a spiritual center that remains relatively unchanged throughout life). The reason is that the world is always changing so you’ll always feel insecure and vulnerable when you base your mood or identity on the external world. But this also feels wrong because that’s also how delusions form because thoughts have to match up with the world somehow. So what am I (I don’t even think of myself as a “who” anymore) and what is the world? What does a healthy self esteem look? Does society rely too much on market signals to drive their every decision? 

Everything feels less real by the day. I don’t know if I’m depressed or if there’s some other kind of neurological issue that’s at work here given that nothing ever comes up when I go to the doctor for my checkup. 

I can’t exactly pinpoint why I’m feeling this way. It’s too vague and dispersed to describe if that makes sense. Like there’s something deeply wrong with the world but you just can’t quite put your finger on what it is, which I guess is a sentiment shared by many today. 

I’m sorry if this all sounds very confusing. I’m confused by myself all the time like why I feel or don’t feel a certain way about things. Is this just what living is like?