OK so this is a total paranoid crazy girl post but we're all in the same boat here so I'd really appreciate someone's opinion that isn't involved in the situation. 

OK. I met my boyfriend (or right now, ex) after Christmas. He chased me and wouldn't give up even though I was seeing other boys and basically making him look like a pushover. I didn't want a relationship because I admitted my BPD is too much for people, but he was determined and got me in the end.

Fast forward, we got along amazingly but then there are times we don't. My insecurity is the main issue. I was too ashamed to talk about my feelings (for example, found old Reddit posts of him sending gross comments to slutty girls). He couldn't handle a relationship where I didn't tell him what was wrong, so I started talking. The problem was, he would panic and lash out, screaming that I was pathetic, blah blah.

Eventually we broke up but for the past 3 months have still been hanging out. One day he will scream that he's 'done' and wants me out of his life completely, the next he is saying he's a terrible person and the things he says/does and definitely not OK. This happened last week, we called a truce and he took me out to dinner, and looked at me the way he used to.

Fast forward again to yesterday, and he's being angry again. Said he only took me to dinner because he was 'bored', and 'only likes me in the physical sense'. This is a week after saying 'of course I still love you'. He says that at the time he likes spending time with me, but when I'm not there realizes it's a bad idea because he just can't be in a relationship with me ever again (self harm and volatile behavior got to him).


I feel like I am going crazy. Losing him made me realize how bad I am to live with and I've been trying so hard to help myself by being conscious of how I'm about to react to situations etc. Can anyone give me an opinion on what he truly wants? It's as if we've flipped from me being the split personality to him, and me being the reasonable  one. I'm reluctant to let him go when he was so determined to get me in the first place because I've ended up loving him quite a lot :( Thank you for any replies xxx