She was old and sick, she didn't die from suicide or anything like that.

It just really hit me afterwards, you know? Wanting to die and thinking through that wish is something, but it kinda even surprised myself that even by a split second instinct, my very first reaction was wishing it was me. 

Kinda also threw me off a loop about what exactly to say about it. I mean, how do you connect to someone's loss like that when your very first reaction is 'wow, they managed to get out of this fucking nightmare, I just cant wait for me to be next'? I had to really think through my words. 

Anyone else here ever experienced anything similar?