Can't get back to sleep so I'm posting here, hopefully you'll read this and reply. I'm losing my ex-boyfriend today. We've been broken up three months now, but we've stayed in touch and recently gotten very close again. It's not necessarily that he doesn't want to be with me, but he doesn't think that he can handle it. I'm very used to hearing that line at this stage. It hurts me enormously for him to be in my life and NOT be my boyfriend when we love each other so much and I just want that relationship back again. I think he is trying (he calls at least once a day, tells me he loves me in every conversation, and we meet up about once a week), but we fight all the time, and not being in a couple makes even just one criticism or one thing said in anger so extremely difficult for me to handle, because I don't have any stability or security to anchor myself with. Meaning EVERY fight could be our last fight, the fight which prompts him to never call again, and every day could be the day he meets someone else and gives up on me. (I know that logically that could have been true while we were a couple and living together, but it's not something that ever plagued me while I had SOME security that he was committed to me, - he's been very clear that this is a break-up, not a 'break'). I feel really distressed most of the time, and there's no positives balancing the negatives anymore. The few times that he says something nice about me, or something comforting or reassuring, it's because I've explicitly asked him to. They pale to me now. He doesn't talk to me or about me the way he did when we were together (obviously), and that sends me into constant tailspins.

One of the main reasons, if not THE reason that he's staying in contact, is that he doesn't want me to not have anyone to talk to. I don't have any friends; I genuinely don't have anyone else that I talk to besides him. When we first broke up I did really try to reach out and initiate some relationships, but I lost those people very quickly, and none of them are talking to me now. I don't really want friends right now, to be completely honest about it. I'd rather recover from this loss first so that I'm a bit more together, a bit more capable, and I've quit drinking at least for a few months so that limits me socially. But I know that it's going to destroy me to lose him and be completely alone for a while. (At the same time, it's kind of calmer to be alone, and when I've been in that position before it gave me a lot of time to focus on things I needed to do to put my life together, - maintaining interpersonal relationships tends to overwhelm me and I focus on them to the detriment of everything else in my life). I know that the people here will understand what this is going to put me through better than anyone else can, it can be very frustrating to get advice from people who 'just don't get it' and leave you feeling bad about the importance an issue has to you or the intensity of emotion you feel over it.

I think I need to let go and say goodbye. I don't want to.

Another issue that I have is that there's something that I need to do later on today, a class that I need to go to, and I already feel like I'm going to back out of it because I feel like it's going to be too difficult to do anything else today. Which makes me feel like backing out of the course altogether, because the response to my sign-up email was delayed and the course instructor made a point of saying that there was a wait list and to let her know if I couldn't make it tonight, IE giving up my place to someone who'll actually show up. I've trained there before and I didn't always go to class. Since getting that email I've just been feeling guilty about signing up at all. All the excitement about finally getting back to training is gone, when I've been wanting to do this for months.