I gauge my mental health on my fingers.... I know it's gross to some, but I bite my fingers, finger skin, and finger nails out of comfort and I do it excessively when I'm stressed and depressed. I suspect I may suffer with dermatophagia, but that's just speculation with no diagnosis so it's useless to speculate.

Regardless, this has been the worst my fingers have hurt in years... I moved 500 miles on my own to a city I've never seen before to be a grad student... I've realized I'm incompetent for my courses because I'm just not able to keep up and I've had to study and read material just to get me in the door of understanding what's being taught...

I feel like I'm going to fail at this, and I have no backup plan. My savings is gone because of the move and I won't be able to find work if I flunk out my first semester...

What was my dream has just become my nightmare because I just don't feel like I belong there. I'm a rural hick that got in my program because the two ahead of me declined. I actually wasn't meant to go to grad school. I just got in on blind luck and now I'm sliding back into a severe depressed and anxious state.

I haven't left my apartment building in over a month. I don't have a support system and the lecturers/cohort don't associate with me and scowl at me whenever I say or ask something.

Honestly, the only thing that's been keeping me motivated is the students I work with as their TA... So far my groups been sailing ahead in the course and I'm really proud of them, but honestly I just feel like shit about everything else.