I have general anxiety that is pretty well controlled.  I generally have great teeth and spend a lot of time taking care of them, get regular cleanings, etc...because I have major anxiety around dental procedures and do everything I can to prevent myself from having cavities.   I've one cavity in my life and had it filled almost 15 years ago (it was traumatic and probably kicked off my fear).  Apparently the white filling "broke" (wtf I did not know that was a thing) and I was informed at my last cleaning appointment that I will need it refilled.  At that time I told the dentist and hygienist that I have major anxiety about fillings and they kind of brushed me off.  I tried to psych myself up, made the appointment, brought in headphones and something to listen to, and as soon as I pulled in the parking lot this morning, I fucking lost it. 

I walked in teary-eyed, hyperventilated in the waiting room, and text my husband.  The receptionist looks at me like I'm crazy.  Hygienist calls my name and stand up, I start walking in a daze, leaving half my things behind.  She gives me a weird look.  I get back to the room and am full blown crying, while telling her I have major anxiety about fillings.   She looked at me like I had three heads and I just felt like a freak.  She tries to take my things and I'm like, no, I need my phone for my show and my cardigan to cling to like a baby blanket.  I'm a mid-thirties, educated woman with an established teaching career and I just felt like such an idiot.  She didn't try to reassure me or do anything to help the situation, just looked at me like I was a weirdo.

My husband arrives to sit with me and hold my hand and I'm continuing to cry, am shaking, sweating profusely, and my heart rate is out of control.  The dentist and hygienist are just continuing on like nothing.   They then notice my recent, large tattoo I just got and were like "if you can do that, this is nothing."  I was like no, it's not.  For one thing, totally different type of sensation, for two, it's not the pain, I'm just extremely anxious about teeth related things.  I'd litterally rather lop a toe off with garden shears than go through that again.  I have a high pain tolerance and have gotten stitches, broken bones, ripped off toenails...it's the teeth for me though.

They begin the process and who whole time I'm just trying to listen to my show, and disassociate, but can hear everything, and keep getting asked questions or to do things. My husband wasn't allowed to be super close or hold my hand, but knowing he was there helped.  It wasn't even painful, but I will absolutely be sedated if I have to do anything like this ever again.  Afterward the dentist and hygienist were still really brusque with me and were like "maybe next time you can have nitrous or something to calm you."  Like why was nothing offered for this one when they knew I was freaking out?   I just felt they were not very sensitive or experienced in helping people with dental anxiety, which seems ridiculous as I'm sure they come across a lot of patients with this.

I got home and just collapsed, feeling absolutely exhausted and stupid about the whole thing, but relieved that it's now over.  I just wanted to tell this all to people who understand.  Thanks for reading.