This is my first reddit post so I apologize if this seems a long one and I also apologize for my weak English language because I'm an Arab and English isn't my first language, I'm really tired and I really want to let everything out of my chest.
I'm 20m college student, jobless, with no goals nor motivation to do simple tasks. I've been struggling mentally for around 8 years. I've experienced nothing but getting used by everyone, feeling more and more empty each day. I've been living in the illusion that everyone around me really cared and considered me their "friend". However, I realized that I have been nothing but an idiot whom no one actually cared about, a tool for everyone to use. People who I used to attend classes with for years are now acting like they never knew me, people whom faked their love and care just to get anything from me are now having their best time while I'm rotting in my depression...
I never felt like I'm not alone, every person that I encounter makes me feel lonelier than before, to the point that I started harming myself at a young age thinking that someone will understand that I'm really heavily struggling. But I've received nothing, but ignorance including from my parents who were frustrated because of how people will look at me in that state....this broke me because I never thought that my own parents will prioritize other people's opinions over my own mental health. I always felt like I've missed on all of the normal teenagers' experiences, since I've been living under strict parenthood, I just went to school back and fourth everyday without having fun and getting stuck into that daily routine for years. I tried to seek help from others, including a female friend whom I have met in college but I feel like I'm a burden to her, I'm even certain that she is trying her best to not to show that she's becoming bothered by my negativity. I gave up on asking for help because I know for a fact that no one really cares and no one will care. I simply want to die.... I'm literally asking for nothing but death...I don't want to commit suicide because I have a younger brother with autism, I don't want to break his heart by such thing....I just want a natural death right now because I really can't take it anymore, I even started to smoke in hopes that I'll develop cancer and simply die.