(This is a long one, trigger warning for suicide as well)

Even tho I only have traits of the disorder &amp; not the full thing (thank god tbh) I think the worst part of having it is the constantly shifting self-image. Reason being? I've never been able to decide what I want to be or what profession I'd like to have. Even tho I like to read, write, listen to music, other such creative stuff, the thought of what I'd take seriously as a profession &amp; have fun doing has never been answered for me. I can go from wanting to be one thing, then losing motivation, changing my mind &amp; pursuing something else constantly. It changes from day to day. I get a great idea, I want to expand on it, then the next thing I know it disappears &amp; I'm left thinking, "Why did I even bother?" 

The worst part of it is the fact that back in high school, I never got councelling for my issues which had affected my grades so much to the point in which I can't even go to College or Uni unless I take upgrade classes &amp; update my credentials. I know that it's never too late to go back to school &amp; fix things, but I don't even feel like I want to somedays or that I have the motivation to make myself anything more than what I already am. Its so much easier just to stay in this place rather than face even more pain through having to change myself which will take years. The idea of being anything exhausts me &amp; I feel like everyone is all in on this "be something more" when in reality I'm quite tired of my own existence &amp; had planned to end my own life a few weeks back but was convinced not to by a person I'd constantly pushed away &amp; now they're out of my life. 

Some days do feel pretty good, but the majority of the time I feel so lost &amp; confused that I really just want to cease my own existence at this point. I'm aware that everyone goes through struggles in life &amp; that some people have it worse off than me. I just wish to not be in pain anymore, even while I do my best to work through my issues on my own with a CBT online workbook that my psychiatrist recommended (resources are stretched thin rn, thanks covid, not) &amp; I use some of my coping mechanisms, I still find myself feeling rather hopeless &amp; codependent on those around me for any kind of joy whatsoever. Even with a part-time job &amp; decent pay, I still feel like trash, whereas everyone else seems to see me differently. Everyone else thinks I have so much potential, whereas I don't see that at all. I don't want to be here anymore, yet everyone else wants me here &amp; to me that sucks. I know I should be grateful, but I feel almost constant pain with just existing. I don't have a meaning in life right now, even when I do gain one I seem to lose it the next day as it is so I question what the point of life even is anymore. 

Some of the things I used to enjoy such as playing video games I can't enjoy as much because it just feels as tho I'm wasting my time when I should be doing something more important like work because thats all anyone ever prioritizes at this age. Just work, work, work. Not much time for play unless you purposely fit it into your schedule or have the budget &amp; time for it. You gotta work for your free time, you gotta work for your happiness, you gotta work for any benefits in life &amp; all of that leaves me feeling frustrated when I don't even know what I want anymore. I barely know who I am, &amp; the only thing that inspires me even a little bit is my pain. I almost seem to thrive off of my own pain &amp; the idea of death, Wishing every day that a bus or truck would somehow miraculously hit me or that I die in a car accident but my life has always been too safe for that. Sometimes I wish my life wasn't so safe so that I could have a higher chance of dying. It's been a couple of weeks &amp; I'm still suicidal with ideations almost every day. Why couldn't I have just been normal? Why couldn't I have been born in a different family? Why couldn't I have just not existed? 

I'm aware that this is my ruminating phase as well as self-deprication &amp; depression talking. The thing that triggered this was the thought of my past relationship, things I could have had if I'd just pulled my head out of my own ass when I had the chance, but no. Things could have gone differently, my mind keeps ruminating on the past &amp; wanting nothing to do with any future I may have yet I keep trudging on just the same, hoping for whatever reason that I'll change my ways when it's been practically 2 years since my diagnosis &amp; nothing has altered in any way. I've just lost &amp; gained stuff &amp; thats about it. My emotions still overwhelm me, I still have trouble enjoying myself 100%, I still have trouble sleeping &amp; I still wish to die. I know the healing process takes awhile, but goddamn I just want this pain to be over. I just want to be normal &amp; feel okay &amp; not constantly want to die every day of my fucking life. Is that too much to fucking ask?? Is that too much to want? To just feel happy as myself &amp; not wish I were dead every fucking day of my seemingly meaningless existence? Shedding tears while writing this because of the frustration &amp; sorrow that I feel. I want this all to stop so badly, to feel stable, to feel like someone, to have dreams as well as aspirations &amp; to stick to them. 

I just want this constant emotional pain &amp; instability, self-deprication, depression, anxiety, sleepless nights, mood swings, shifting self-image, suicidal ideations &amp; so much more to STOP!! I just want it all to stop! I want to be able to function yet I want to die at the same time &amp; it all hurts so much! I know I don't have the full disorder, it would terrible to have it &amp; I know I'd barely last a day, but fuck this already feels so fucking insane &amp; its been a terrible few months. For fuck sakes I just wish to go at least a week without wanting to kill myself &amp; feel like a proper human being who doesn't always feel like a constant failure &amp; heart broken over the fact that my grades suck, none of my relationships ever worked out, &amp; I can barely hold a stable job without wanting to quit because of my stupid impulses. I can see why any romantic partner would get tired of this shit, I'm tired of all of it. I was told to have patience with myself so many times, yet I still get impatient &amp; just want to change so badly to the point in which it hurts to continue existing day after day like this. I want to change, yet its not happening fast enough for me so then I'd rather die.