
TRIGGER WARNING!! This post talks about depression, suicidal thoughts and eating disorders. 

I had anxiety pretty much all my life. Even as  a child I would avoid social situations, and binge eat to cope with anxiety. I had extreme paranoia of leaving my house, never spoke up in class, had trouble meeting people, and I genuinely don't know how many times I cried when giving public speeches. I became aware of my anxiety when I was 14 and had a panic attack during a concert. Between 14-16 my anxiety got so much worse. I was depressed, isolated, obsessive, and aggressive. At that time my binge eating transformed into anorexia and bulimia. I basically hit rock bottom. I ended up seeing multiple psychiatrists. None of them could help me, mostly bc we just didn't match. It's extremely hard and EXPENSIVE to find a good psychiatrist/therapist that you get along with. I ended up giving up on therapy and my family also lost their fate in psychological help. They denied my requests to find a new professional. Psychological help costs so much so I never insisted. 

It took me about 2 years to get my ED under control. I never wanted to heal from ED bc it provided me a sense of comfort and security. It made me feel in control since I was never able to control my feelings and anxiety. It's been about 5 years since I started actively reading and researching about psychology. I specifically took courses in uni to help me along the way. When COVID began, I was keen to find and heal my traumas. I started journaling, doing inner work, and I was shocked by all that I'd bottled up. My mental health started improving immensely. I no longer starved myself. I started eating a balanced healthy diet, doing daily exercises, reading, journaling, meditating and implementing other rituals that kept me grounded. I've become extremely self aware. I am aware of my triggers, traumas, body responses etc. However, all the work I put into healing myself just doesn't seem to be enough. I am doing better but that doesn't mean I have mental stability. I still have anxiety, depressive episodes, suicidal thoughts, obsessions, compulsions and body dysmorphia. I know why I have these, when they are triggered but for some reason I just can't get rid of these mental issues. Especially in fall time my mental issues become so much worse. I am always very hopeful and happy during summer. I feel like there's something wrong with my brain chemistry, some sort of imbalance. I just don't feel like my mental health issues are solely trauma based. Because no matter how mindful I am, how much I take care of mysef, show compassion, I just can't have ease in my mind. 
My father's side of the family has a history of severe mental health issues. My father is bipolar, has anxiety, depression, OCD and eating disorders. I am very much like my father in terms of my personality, even the way we think is the same. I used to be against medication but now I feel like it's the only choice left for me. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I don't want to and frankly I don't think I can handle the turmoil in my head any longer. 

Can some of you share your experience with medication? Did it help you? Did you have side effects? Did you try everything before going on meds? Please let me know.