I get random bursts of motivation but they go away fast, I'm feeling kinda motivated right now but within the next 10 minutes I'm gonna lose that completely. I tried writing, I used to write a lot, I should be doing that now honestly while I have motivation too but I'm not. I've lost the motivation to do most things, I'm eating fucking plain uncooked expired hamburger buns dipped in BBQ sauce because I don't have the motivation to cook food for myself, even if I did I wouldn't have the motivation to eat it. I hardly have the motivation to type this, I don't know why I am, I just want attention, but saying that is far more of a cry for attention. I wanna be pissed off at myself for that but I don't have the motivation, I'm mad but not as much as I should be. I'd sleep but that takes effort now, I don't have the motivation to try and calm my thoughts and all that shit, even if I did I don't have the motivation to deal with the wave of dread and anxiety that's undoubtedly gonna hit me the moment I wake up. I go to do anything, literally anything, and I lose the motivation almost immediately almost always. If my heart didn't beat automatically I'd be dead because I wouldn't have the motivation to do it myself. I wish it didn't, I don't have the motivation to kill myself normally, I don't even wanna die though, I love life when I'm actually living, I'm not living right now though, I'm like some zombie on autopilot just doing whatever gets me some dopamine. I've got shit to do today, I'm probably gonna find some excuse to postpone it, wanna guess why? Ding ding fucking ding that's right, I lack the motivation. I can't do anything any more, existing is too much effort, feeling like this takes too much effort, I'd cry but I can't seem to do that anymore , maybe I just need some more motivation? Every time I type out some vent shit like this I just end up pissing myself off, I don't know why, it's probably obvious even through text from the shift in tone. I don't know, I have some motivation now so I'm gonna do something but I'm so fucking pissed off because I know it's gonna go away soon and I'll be back to my same shit in a week, back to wasting my life and disappointing everyone I care about and being a massive fucking downer and every negative thing anyone can be. I'd tell everyone I'm gonna effect sorry but it wouldn't mean anything, all I do is say sorry, I don't change, I'm always gonna be like this and everyone knows it, I'm just dragging everyone down with me who's to hop optimistic to fuck off of the sinking ship for some reason. I'm glad they stick around and I'm glad I have people who will be there for me but I feel guilty about it, I'm just hurting them all, I wanna stop but I can't, that should be  motivation enough but I guess I'm some sadistic prick who doesn't care about others suffering. That's dumb though, I wouldn't care enough to say any of this if that was the case, I'm again only saying it for attention. People are gonna read this and give me advice, don't bother, I won't listen to any of it, I'll read and it think damn that's a great idea then never do it, I don't even listen to myself. I don't know how to end this, I keep rambling hoping I find a good place to leave off but I can't, fuck it right here works.