I always beat myself up for feeling sleepy during the the day. Today I slept on the couch while my mom cleaned and I only helped mop the floors. Now we are at my mom’s boss’s house. I really wish I could help out with her chores. It rained most of April but now that May is here, it suddenly feels a bit more like Summer where the sun shines through the trees and there is a light breeze. When I was younger, Summer was when I most liked to take the bus out for boba, sit at the mall, and visit the beach. This Summer my parents might be visiting California. I’d really like to make the most of my time but sometimes it feels like it might be too dark in my mind. I’d really like to be more put together than I am right now and I feel like even if I manage to complete day treatment, I have no plans as to what I can do afterwards. I really want to get back on an upward direction. I miss the Trump era pop music, the optimistic days earlier in my illness where I wanted to date, hang out, and dream about a bright future. Lately my mental health gets worse one year after another and I keep having to lower my expectations of myself. My mind also won’t stop badgering me about finding some community activity to join.