I have had depression for the past 6 years and all of the things happening recently have made my life seem even more pointless with the fact I'll probably never even have kids or grandkids. I don't know if I have depression because I've never  been to a doctor about it and I always have kept it to myself. Somedays I feel great and like I could do great things but then as soon as I come up I come down, nothing changes I just feel sick and like I shouldn't even exist. I feel sad for my mom because she still puts up with me although soon I'll be an adult and on my own, when people have asked me about my futute I've always just said "I don't know" I've always assumed inflation would be too high and the state of the world so bad I'd be dead by the time that it matters. I feel like anything I do is all for nothing and if I cry I am weak and showing emotion is for the weak so I have kept all this to myself since the first time I thought it in 2nd grade. I feel like people around me always hate me and talk bad about me behind my back and when I become an adult I'll have no one to turn to as I can't make friend because "I'm weird" so I just listen to music and wait for the day I eventually can't go on and something happens, like one day I'll just not get up and stay in bed till I starve or something. I'm sorry for this venting and long post, but I have been wandering looking for anywhere to post for a long time and I have never once had the courage to say anything because I'm told it is wrong to do.Even after all I've done in life I still ask why am I here.