Hi my names J and I’ve been contemplating suicide since I was 7 years old. Ive dreamt of the idea of being out down like a dog a lot in my early years, and with my parents abuse it made it easy to get away with self harm and other dangerous behaviors thst slowly diminished my health. I’m now 17, scarred physically on the inside and out, scarred emotionally both at a noticeable and functional level, and can barely function without the looming idea of doing really bad things. I used to partake in a lot of violent activities as well as drug use and web based crimes to get my way with things. With my parents I remind them of their abuse as a way to feel like at least I’m owed something. This made it hard to make any friends for it they ever got me upset or did anything that I felt spited me I’d do really bad stuff in a sick way of getting back at them. It’s happened as early as today in which I scared someone with their own messages of explicit things, and I genuinely don’t know what to feel because it feels like my wants aren’t my wants. I’ve developed homicidal ideations recently and they’re getting worse, I’m getting worried that I’ll have no choice but to off myself to prevent hurting my family or ex friends.