You'll have to excuse the mobile. I'm typing this on the phone at 2am so I apologize for any big typos. 


I was diagnosed with BPD during a psychological evaluation with my normal doctor a few months ago. At the end of the evaluation, my doctor offered me a house sitting job so my mom flipped out on her and I never saw that family doctor again. Well I kept the diagnosis from my mom but asked her if. I could see counseling. My dad is a licensed counselor so my mom told me I could start doing sessions with him. Yeah, no. Well I told her that I'd rather have someone outside of my family's social circle and she pulled the, "you shouldn't have anything in your life that you feel like you can't tell us about." 


Well I do. And I hate it. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and don't know what to make of myself. I feel like I'm looking through a camera from an office building somewhere controlling a lump of flesh named me. I have yet to have a relationship that my very Christian parents were let in on (I'm seventeen btw). I have a total of one friend that I am in even weekly contact with and he's getting married in a couple weeks then moving to Alaska shortly after. My mom hates him. 


I said very Christian, but that's not a terrible thing. They're great people, they're just not the best parents in the world. I realise now that this disorganized rant should be told to a counselor, but I won't have one of those until I move next year. Okay, I'll narrow the topic. School. 


For my junior year that just finished up, I was in a program called Running Start where I would take the transit bus every morning for 3 hours to take college classes instead of highschool. That evening I would take the bus another 3 hours back to my house. After I year of that for five days a week, I started forming serious bonds with the people at my college and not talking to my old friends at all. Well 6 hours a day was too much on me, so I decided that next year I am going to spend my senior year back at the highschool. The one that I cut off communication from. 


I live in a small town with roughly 1500 people and an hour and a half by car to the nearest Wal-Mart. There are no other educational options so I'm stuck with what I've got. I tried reconnecting with some of the 120 high schoolers at my school and I can't talk to any of them. They're all so immature. I say that in an adult looking back sort of way instead of an "I'm so mature for my age" sort of way. I feel a serious disconnect with all of them and the only people I can hold a conversation with are my teachers whom I love and honestly with I could go out to lunch with without it being weird. 


Well I crave companionship. I crave love and I need a friend to constantly remind me that everything is real. I'm about to lose that and I know everyone at my highschool. Everyone. I don't want to spend the next year of my life eating lunch with my headphones in or in the science teachers classroom talking about the book I just read. I want to connect to people at my current level of maturity, and that can accept me neediness and all, but none of the students at my school can provide that. 


This text post is getting kind of our of hand, I guess I just need to know that someone else can hear me. I'm terribly lonely and I only see it getting worse being lonely with people all around me next year.