I'll just let it out here. I realized i've been manipulative in the past with my fp's, Everytime I got paranoid they were going to abandon me I used my self harm to get them to stay. Idk. I've also been splitting a lot on my friends. I've had to isolate myself from them because I don't want to blow up on them. But I don't want them to leave either I know it's just me being stupid. Idk what to do I feel like if I take a break or isolate myself to get better i'll just get worse but I also don't want to open up or interact with people while i'm in a bad mental state. I also have an fp and last night I posted a vent on my story so that he would respond to it but he came online like an hour after I posted it and he didn't respond at all It made me feel terrible so I tried to overdose, It didn't work though. I don't want to keep on living like this. Healing feels like a scam cause i'm always gonna live with having bpd i'll always end up getting hurt by myself and by others and i'm scared one day it'll actually make me end up impulsively killing myself. I just don't want to feel like i'm being abandoned constantly anymore.