Content warnings: sexual abuse, domestic violence 

Hi all, I'm someone that was diagnosed with BPD traits about 2.5 yrs ago. I came from a dsyfunctional family context, both my parents provided well for us and cared for us but were overwhelmed by their own trauma and the challenge of my profoundly intellectually disabled sister. As a result, my parents didn't respond very well to my emotional needs. My dad in particular was a figure of fear at times. He had never had a decent parent himself and he became very controlling and angry at times. He did care so much for us and he developed a lot of insight into the entitlement he felt over the women and children in his life, and we had a great relationship in my adult life. I had a slew of sexual abuse as a teen and I thought I was "over it" but into my adult life, I preferred ANY relationship to being open to sexual predators. I spent 6.5 years with an abusive and controlling man who treated me poorly, although it felt "safe" because there was no sexual abuse within that relationship. It was at his insistence that I find myself a new psychiatrist to review my mental health issues. 

I've had mental health issues since pre-school. Anxiety and selective mutism in childhood. Depression and self-harming behaviours in adolescence. In adulthood, constantly in and out of depression, panic and sometimes very impulsive and self destructive. Relationships and friendships were hard to maintain. Most of my "friends" were pretty dysfunctional people until I got into that long relationship and I just got absorbed into his friendship group. My ex was also very insistent on me controlling my behaviours and emotions to a tyrannical degree. I couldn't even exhibit too much positive emotion or he would cut me down- "you talk too much, you're too much for anybody, you can't have relationships with people." All baloney. *However* he lived in a good neighbourhood which had above average healthcare and I found a psychiatrist that changed my life. 


My new psychiatrist was unlike any I had ever seen before- he didn't diagnose and medicate within 20 mins, he spent a long time getting to know me and my history and he was honest with me, "this isn't a medication issue" he said. He said I needed intensive DBT. I had done therapy before and in my mind I was "done with it". My last therapist had become *frustrated* with me in our last session saying something like, "I feel like we've gone over this many times before." She made me feel like I was this big dysfunctional mess she couldn't deal with. I had made some peace with the fact that I would wake up each morning and never know if I would face a catatonic depressive state or have an outburst of rage over "nothing". But my psychiatrist seemed to have a genuineness that I trusted and I braved "more therapy." I found the DBT clinicians so much less judgmental and understanding than I had ever experienced. One of my first therapists, as a child, had told me the key was just to realise "how stupid" my thoughts were. So I was not expecting this! The DBT clinicians also started to open my eyes to the abuse i was living in. This was crushing, and the process to move me out of that relationship was like how I imagine being disembowelled feels. It was long and painful and I didn't know who I was at the end of it, *but* I knew I deserved better. I loved my ex partner immensely. Even though it was part of his gas-lighting that got me to work on myself, I was outgrowing him by the day. It was a painful process. 


But, within 2.5 years I worked hard on myself, on learning the DBT principles and I'm further than I thought imagineable. I have a long persistent eating disorder I'm managing better than I thought possible. My mood is more stable. My depressive episodes are so much shorter. I have more control. I'll always been emotionally intense, and that has more advantages than disadvantages with the right management. I'm at Stage 2 of DBT. We've stopped the perpetual crisis. In the first stage, I had to wind back all the drugs &amp; alochol, lose dysfunctional friends who were still choosing inebriation or endless drama to fill that hole, and sadly, lose my partner who was undermining my progress. In the second stage, with the scene clear, I am working on managing my eating disorder and I am processing past trauma. It takes a lot of time, for me it took a lot of $ (and while I could afford it, I don't think it's fair that getting help for this condition should cost others so much) and it takes a lot of humility to say, "I have a problem, I need help and I'm willing to do what it takes." I really respect people who face their demons. 


I must acknowledge as well that I am a woman, and my history is not unique as woman. I've been the victim of violence almost continuously. I think this should be acknowledged in conversations about mental health conditions. Both my parents were victims of violence, too. My mother as a woman, and my father as a child. Violence against children and women is a big ugly part of the "MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS" that often places wayyyy too much emphasis on the individual, as though they live in a vacuum. We live in a society where violence against women &amp; children is enabled and it is pervasive and it is an epidemic. I love Van der Kolk's writing. He writes about complex trauma (trauma resulting from multiple and continous acts of violence, often from a caregiver or loved one) and he does not neglect to mention this. So please, remember you are not alone and you are not crazy if you have been the victim of violence (and most likely, you have). 


I really do believe BPD is treatable condition. It is misunderstood and demonised, I would argue in part because of the over-representation of women. I am definitely "in remission" and I'm managing every well. I also work full time, my career is going well, I live independently. I have friends who care for and respect me. I'm sometimes not used to the ease of these relationships! It's nice to just support and be supported. There's definitely a lot of headway you can make, especially if you're at the start of your journey. For anyone thinking, is it worth the energy, time and money to get into a DBT program (using the proper protocol, do your research on what you're offered before accepting it)? Yes. It definitely is. I wish I had done the DBT program sooner!! I honestly do. I wish I hadn't wasted my own and the government's money on therapists who knew JackS**t. It does took a lot of sifting. I was privileged to be living with a privileged man in a neighbourhood were the doctors were incredible when I found my psychiatrist (whom I'm seeing again next month to talk about going med-free!). I now live in a lower socioeconomic neighbourhood and I've been traumatised by the healthcare here when just trying to get help for primary health issues not mental health. So I acknowledge all the barriers, I do. But if you're on the fence, or you're feeling hopeless, I hope I can give you some hope here today. BPD is not a life sentence. You can recover &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3