Feel free to respond to the question without reading the post.

CW: mentions of suicide and self-harm.

Two years ago, I started trying to make friends online to improve my social skills. I just wanted to have some casual chats, but I ended up making lots of close friends. This may sound good, but it's not what I wanted. During the first year, I learnt a lot about how to talk to people. During the second year, I feel like my social abilities are not progressing any further and I'm just continuing to talk to people, partly for their sake, and also because it's just easier than spending that time trying to improve in one of the many other areas where I'm lacking.

Three things happened this year that made my experience also quite unpleasant. One person I knew committed suicide, and I have many regrets about not having talked to them more, and how insensitive I was when talking about the subject of suicide while they were still alive (acting under the belief that I was more likely to commit suicide than them). The person I had been talking to the most got a girlfriend. She became abusive to me. We were sort of able to sort things out but things could never go back to how they were. I started identifying as trans after a suicidal meltdown. After I realized that I was not going to kill myself I instantly regretted it but now I'm stuck as being trans to everyone I know because I feel too awkward to detransition.

I feel completely done now with online friendships (or of any other kind). I am glad that I have had the experience, but I don't need any more than that. I don't even want to talk to people once a week, I want to be completely alone.

Five months ago, I left the main social media platform I was on. Since then I have either drifted away from or ghosted the about a dozen people I used to talk to regularly, except for one person. She has BPD and I am her favourite person.

This happened pretty quickly in the first place, in January this year. We had known each other for a few months but hadn't talked much. One day she woke up in the hospital after an overdose. I messaged her to try to comfort her until they let her go back home. Since then we became super close. As soon as I realized how dependent she had become on me I tried to leave her because I knew I was going to leave eventually and it would only get worse with time. I sent her a message telling her how much I like her, explaining to her why I don't want to talk anymore, and apologizing for having carelessly allowed us to have become so close. She freaked a lot, and after a few days, I changed my mind. About two months later I just blocked her, after having been really mad at her over something for a few weeks. This time she freaked out even more. Once again I changed my mind a few days later and apologized to her. I still really regret that I blocked her. Three months later I stopped responding to her texts for about a month. For the first few weeks, I was sending her a picture of her name written in my blood every day, as a way of phasing out our friendship gently. Eventually, I came back because I realized how weird this was, and delusionally thought I could end things with her in a less absurd way.

I really don't want to still be in touch with her by the end of the year. I want to spend Christmas alone. I am considering three different options about how to leave things:

I could try again to phase out our relationship by no longer talking to her but still sending her messages in blood (this is not a sacrifice for me because I cut every day anyway) so that she gets used to me not being around but without feeling abandoned. When I did this last time she didn't freak out at any point. She just became depressed.

I could ghost her. I would do it right after we had a really good conversation. That way she wouldn't be left wondering what went wrong.

I could tell her the truth... I would have to commit to leaving no matter what she says. This would be by far the most unpleasant option for both of us. I also think it might be dangerous for her.

Any thoughts on which is the best option, other options, personal stories about breaking up with someone with BPD, or even attempts to dissuade me from leaving would be highly appreciated.