For years since maybe I was 15 I had suspicions of bpd. Many of my inpatient stays were a result of perceived or real abandonment. For the first few years I lied to clinicians about why I wanted to kill myself. I said I was depressed or didn’t know because I knew something was fucked up about wanting to kill myself because my friend was distancing herself. I didn’t want to be perceived as crazy because usually after episodes I had intense shame of my behavior.

Years and therapists later I have started being more honest in therapy. I figured that’s the only way it will help me. Clinicians started mentioning things like emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, dbt etc. I had connected this to bpd furthering my suspicions. Still couldn’t get myself to ask what my diagnosis was.

The other day a prescription was denied coverage accidentally so I logged into my insurance claims online. Then curiosity led to to click on my health profile. There it was listed, bpd as a diagnosed health condition. I felt both relief having my suspicions confirmed but also hopeless.

Throughout the years although having suspicions of bpd. I also had imposter feelings like I genuinely thought some moments it was impossible for me to have bpd. I carry immense shame in my diagnosis. I can’t verbalize it to others without feeling like something is deeply wrong with me.