I always knew I had BPD from personal research but was officially diagnosed a few months ago. I had a whole treatment plan and meds set up but fell through with it all (except my as needed anti anxiety) because I found another solace: alcohol. I’m already addicted, I shake until I get off work and can make it to the bar afterwards. Whatever. I was only there to see my FP anyway.. but recently, I tried a new drug. One that I had always been against but did anyways (with my FP) and I like it. I had a chance to get some tonight but chose not to but after a few shots, I really just wanna throw my whole life away on it. I’m good for nothing anyway, I have no skills, barely even graduated high school. I’ve gotten better at controlling my emotions and handling conflict and everyone still leaves. No one ever wants to hear what I have to say. Maybe I deserve to lose myself to it. I don’t even have the work ethic I used to. My family hates me. My friends dont make an effort for me. I keep pushing to make moves + get better and just get worse in the process. Maybe I’m just not worth life. I hate seeing ppl get cancer and other diseases that kill really GOOD ppl and I just sit here, wasting space, wasting life, wasting time. If I cant commit to killing myself, I might as well speed up the process. 