I am not sure what is happening to me, but I mostly feel like a puppet that is being controlled and I feel like I am doing things without thinking even though I do think, I don't. I had moments where I felt alive and then back to autopilot. 

Other issues include basically an intense desire for ending my own life. You see funny thing is that when I saw people say this I thought they were joking and I didn't really care about it, but now I am going through it lol. Parents keep comparing me to a friend that is very good in school and that he has a scholarship and a good university he can go to, and each time they compare me to them I feel like shit and feel like a waste and like then I think of suicide, but I don't even know if my parents will grief for my death. 

I have lived an apathetic life, I was simply unable to trust people's emotions and their motives and I can't still tell if they like me as a child or they see me as trash. I am legit a problem like they people that birthed me, I can't trust them like wtf is wrong with me. I also for some weird reason get certain impulses to do something bad to a lousy guy. 

When people are lousy they are annoying, my impulses sometimes whisper to me do "THAT" to him repeatedly and like the other side of my mind tries to control it by saying you will be put in jail for that and sometimes the impulses makes even a plan for myself to avoid getting caught. 

I can't trust people, I am not in control of life, I have bad impulses, I just want to end this misery.

&amp;#x200B;

How do I break this chain of thinking, like for sure you will recommend a professonal for this, but then parents would know about it, which would be bad for me, so other suggestions please.