I’ll preface this by saying, I’m not even in the US, where this stuff seems even worse, I’m in Australia, where we allegedly have “good healthcare”. The whole mental health system just seems impossibly stacked against you if you’re poor. It already feels ridiculously tough to overcome these issues without that barrier, think in an ideal situation with all factors accounted for, there’d still be a chance you might not ever recover. But if you’re broke it just feels impossible.

To start with it’s just a catch-22 already. I can’t hold down a job because of my issues but I can fix my issues without money. That alone makes me feel like giving up. But then when you think about the sheer amount of money you have to throw at things that aren’t even helpful half the time, it basically just becomes a sick joke. I can’t count how many times I’ve paid to see a mental health “professional” that actually left me feeling more confused and hopeless. 

At the moment I’m on day three of suffering through absolutely awful SSRI withdrawals because I couldn’t afford to get my meds renewed. My Lexapro was on the same script as my Lamictal. I’ve got a healthcare card that’s *supposed* to get me assistance with this stuff, but the pharmacy told me that Lamictal “isn’t covered”. I don’t even understand that, how can a very common mood stabilisers, one of the primary forms of treatment for Bipolar not be covered? It doesn’t even make sense to me. They told me it’d be $40 to get the script filled and that was for the generic version. I literally don’t have that money in my account so I just had to say no. It just seems so immoral.

And that’s not even to mention neither of those pills did anything for me. No intended effects, no side effects, no nothing. Same story with every single medication I’ve taken in the past and I’ve been at this for years. Makes me wonder if I’m even being treated for the right things. After all, depending on which psychiatrist you ask, I have Major Depressive Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Type 2, BPD, PTSD, C-PTSD, anorexia, substance abuse disorder and probably more I’m forgetting. Seems like my diagnosis changes with the wind. I’ve seen 3 psychiatrists, all about a year apart because I just couldn’t afford to go more often than that or go back to the same one twice. First guy said it was just the depression with maybe some BPD. Second said BPD with possible Bipolar and PTSD or C-PTSD. Third barely listened to me and said it’s definitely Bipolar for purely genetic reasons and maybe some BPD traits. I’m just lost at this point and I can’t afford to keep going back to get clarity.

Only reason I can get in to see a therapist now is because I’m on welfare and you can get a few free appointments. But even that’s no help because the guy they’ve sent me to, honestly, is dumber than a sack of bricks. I’m sure he means well, but he’s not gonna be able to help me. And I can’t afford anyone better. And even when I could, the CBT specialists, DBT specialists, EMDR specialists, all seemed to be basically the same. None of it helped and again, it took up all my money just to get in the door so I didn’t have the luxury of trying again afterwards.

I just don’t get it. Even my GP is throwing up her hands at this point saying there’s really no options left. I just feel untreatable, I mean I’m clearly already pretty treatment resistant as it is, so if I can’t even shop around until I get someone good or even feel confident I’ve got the right diagnosis, what hope is there? How does someone like me ever get better? I can’t even afford my goddamn meds anymore. This is just awful.