This might come off as a little bigheaded but I feel like I’m gifted with a  lot of things that should make it easy for me to lead a successful and fulfilling life.  I’m neither ugly nor stupid and it seems that I can see, feel and understand a lot of things in a depth that most other people can’t and that I can see connections between seemingly unrelated things and come to conclusions that others need years to see and to get to. As long as I’m not distracted by one of my ever changing two hundred or so symptoms I actually have so many diverse interests and become very good at basically everything I touch after a short time, given that I stick to it. Whatever I create people praise me for it and alone with the music I produce I could be in the middle of a career right now.

But I’m not. I’m moving towards 30 and I’m stuck in this circle of nothingness for as long as I can remember. I can’t be consistent at anything. I see other people having success with projects and things that make me think “Shit that’s so low effort and so bad” but they just don’t give a single fuck about it, they think it’s great so they act like it’s great and it’ll work for them. Well I know that’s just how our world works (“act and you will become”) so I stopped directing my hate towards the system. I know that quality still beats low-effort/quantity even in this capitalistic and superficial world, as long as it’s actively “advertised” and shown to people; I know that there’s no one to blame but me for the fact that I’m not at a point where I could and should be.

Idk where I’m going with this text. It just sucks. The part of me sucks that is holding me back. I can only use like 5% of my potential, the rest is being eaten up just by trying to stay alive. If I could unleash all my energy and talents, man the results would be insane. I have so much to give and to contribute to this world and to other people. But all I am is being trapped inside my brain as a hostage of myself. fml