So basically, after spending 1,5 years of remodeling a house, bitching how it wasn't progressing as fast as I wanted, today was finally the big day. I moved out! Since the moment I woke up this morning, I dreaded it. As I was packing up the final things, I was bawling my eyes out, but tried to get over it so my mom couldn't see, but I couldn't help but think about how lonely I'm going to be. The 5 minute small talk with my parents as I leave for work, will turn into not saying a word until I arrive at work, where I barely talk to anyone anyway, because I hate it there.The idea that someone was downstairs while I was relaxing in my room used to "anoy" me, because I always felt I couldn't fully be myself, and now that I finally can, I realise that means again, I'm all alone with nobody to talk to. I'm going to miss those 10-15 minutes that I watched TV along with my parents, while I'm grabbing a drink. I've come to the realization that most of my social contact is with them, and I walked out on it.

I broke a little when my mom started crying, and she even told me that "she felt like I didn't really want to leave" and I basically answered that "there's not really going back now". I spent all that money on furniture, my parents helped me remodel, for the better part of a year I've been telling everyone how excited I was. If feel like I can't back out, and a side of my doesn't want to back out, because I want to be more independent, but the prospect of lonelyness just crushes me. She told me if I couldn't handle it "I can always come back". I really feel like I cant, because I felt this was the step I needed to take to get out of my depression. Seeing my friend progressi in their life crushed me, so I wanted to take some steps, and now I realise this was a terrible idea.

Maybe it's just a combination of all the stress of the last few weeks. My work is chaos, and I hate very second I'm there. My grandpa got admitted to the hospital this week with signs of dementia, so that's keeping me up at night as well. The stress and anxienty of the moving has pushed me over the edge. I'm going to spend of the night lying on my couch under my blanket, watching Netflix and crying until  Ifall asleep.