Whenever I've had a boyfriend its been like they are the only light in my life, the joy that I get from being in love can brighten my day and support me on my darkest. When I've had close friends who I spend lots of time with, I feel fulfilled, I laugh and vent, I feel more complete. But there's always this fear that they will leave, an anxiety that never leaves, because everyone has so far. People can give me joy, and also give me crippling anxiety somehow all in one. People promise when I open up, they'll always be there for me, they just don't realise they can never keep that promise, they always leave.

Whether its due to my BPD or something else all of the close relationships I have had have disintegrated or exploded. Generally the people I know never check in, never suggest meeting up or calling, they never have the time for me. I know the pandemic has been hard on everyone, but even if they were close before, everyone feels distant now. 

And I just feel crushingly alone, scared, and like there's a big hole in my life thats missing. When I do see friends I get so happy and overexcited and so depressed afterwards. When I've had best friends I've become obsessive because they give me energy until ultimately they have nothing left to give and leave. The only time I have ever felt life is worth living, when I feel happy, is through others. I see everyone now going out to pubs, meeting up, I cant even walk in public places without being sad no one is beside me. No matter how hard I work on myself this always feels like the missing piece. 

Dont get me wrong, I know its not healthy to depend on people so much, but more than anything I want friendship, I want closeness, people who I speak to regularly on the phone or meet up with, someone I can confide in my thoughts but also just kick around and have a laugh. 

And I always come to the conclusion it must be me, I'm the common factor, its my fault everyone has left. Because I'm not worth being around. 
I get it though, I wouldnt be around me if I had a choice either.