Someone in the Codependency group wrote this in a comment and if I think it describes us as a whole to a fucking T. I thought y'all might need to read it too.

"The harsh truth when we're in the midst of feelings like this is that it's a sign to take yourself on a journey of self-reflection, self-growth, and self-love. One thing I realized after I started my recovery is that it didn't matter who I was with, I was always going to be jealous, suspicious, manipulative, angry, and filled with an abundance of love that made me keep wanting to subject my partner to all that shit. But what it all boiled down to was a deep seeded loathing of myself.

There is no one in this whole world I can be with right now who I will not subject to these behaviors. Because it's not about them. It's about me. I would cheat on me, I'm a piece of shit. I would lie to me, I'm not worthy of respect. And as long as I hate myself enough to think that, I'm going to expect that of my partners. The anxiety I felt wasn't anxiety at them actually doing it, I trusted they wouldn't do that to me. It was anxiety at them not doing it. Why wouldn't you do that to me? You need to remind me I'm unworthy of love. Confirm that I am a shameful wretch. A side effect of that is you find comfort in getting your partner to hate you. This is where our friends and family get so confused why we feel the absolute need to stay in a relationship once it has become abusive, on either side. Nothing better when you hate yourself than to find someone you can get to make you feel like you should be hated, suffering is an addiction if you allow yourself to do it long enough. I loved them, so I wanted them to hate me, and I still do."