Last time I felt this, I was just dumped by my ex and had no one but my best friend. I’ve known them for almost 5 years now, but now I’m back to that feeling of all the negative emotions. This time I can’t rely on my friend for help because a lot of it involves them. It’s not their fault, they’ve done nothing wrong it’s all me.

I developed feelings for her, and now I’m destroying the friendship. I never wanted it to go like that. She’s trying everything she can to make me feel better, but it’s not working because she doesn’t know what I’m feeling. It’s all my fault, honestly, and I think I ruined everything. It all started when she started dating someone she met on that dating app hinge. At first, I thought I was being a jealous friend and losing time with her, but eventually, I realized it was more than that. I always had thought she was attractive, but I never wanted to push it, she was my best friend, after all. However, after that, I wanted to be more. I told her my feelings about a month ago, and we decided to try and stay friends, but I've been having trouble getting past it.

Eventually, she broke it off with that guy, and like the shit friend I am. I was happy, but not one month later, she was going on dates with a new guy, and I fell back in that hole when I was 18. When my ex dumped me and left me for another guy, I had my friend to lean on, but now I don’t, and it’s a very lonely feeling. I just want to go back before December. Before she met that guy, when I wasn’t feeling like this and everything was normal between us, but that’s not possible anymore. I never wanted this to happen with her or our friendship. I messed up. 

Today I told her everything. Being as clear as possible, now there’s no going back it feels like. I said way too much again, and I can’t fix this. She suggest it might be a good idea if we take a break so I can get over all this, but I started to cry because I feel like it’s just gonna is to end the friendship or damage it to where it can’t back to what it was once before. I can never fix this now, and that’s my fault. I just want everything to go back to how it was, but that’s not possible. I always do this. Ruin friendships because I can’t control myself, and I blame only myself. Im so tired and have all these negative emotions I can’t describe. I’ve cried since the last I talked to her and haven’t eaten all day. I’m gonna miss everything about her. Her laugh, her humor, her smile, her sarcasm, and her being a great friend for when I need her. I failed her it feels like.