Hi, never thought I’d have to reach out to anyone about this because I’ve convinced myself the past couple of years that I had my mental illness under control. I’m convinced I’m self aware, and able to lift myself back up when things get rough. 
But, right now, Jesus fuck. I’m confused, lost, and scared as fuck. Yesterday was the worst day I’ve ever had out in a public/social setting. I can barely remember anything that I specifically said, yet remember feeling frantically paranoid that people were judging/talking about me, and hearing things that no one else heard, even the people I was out with. I would be speaking to someone and saw fear in their eyes? They looked terrified of me. I was confessing my life book of secrets to people. Saying things I’d never fucking tell anyone and I was stuck in a loop of that, repeating everything I hate about myself to these people. Everything bad I’ve ever thought, and I was unsure of if I’m a good person or not? I felt evil. And I felt like everyone finally found out. I can’t even remember if I was making sense to these people, I was looking for something, drilling them with questions, but every answer I got wasn’t good enough for me and I’d just continue to rant about my problems. 
Earlier that day I was hearing songs play outside my window. I opened it and I sat in my gaming chair and listened.. I nearly jumped out of my chair once I recognized the song, it was my favorite song, and I couldn’t believe someone else in my neighborhood even would know of it. I started singing along to it all giddy, then opened my window even more and stuck my head out to see where it was coming from. Looked left, looked right, nothing. But it sounded like it was right below my window. Like around my back door. Then it shut off. Huh, weird. I thought it was probably just around the corner. Then I eventually went to my bathroom and then I heard another song start to play…. “There’s comfort at the bottom of a swimming pool….” I started singing along again! Holy shit who is that!?! Opened my window, nothing, went downstairs nothing. It stopped. Wtf!? Ok. This kind of happened while I was at a nail salon too, I thought I heard these little girls talking to their mother about me, and as they were talking I heard them listening to my TikToks that I’ve made. Every time I’d get up I heard one of them shout “ew”. I freaked out bc I recognize them now. It’s this guy I was seeing, his ex fiancé and her girls. I started panicking because what was so ew about me ??? Then after that is when it all went down hill. 
I’ve always thought everyone was always talking about me, ever sense I was a little girl. But, I was able to contain myself and think rationally that they’re probably not. But this. This was fact. And the friend I was with never heard them shout ew, or anything. She was sitting right next to them. 
I figured she was just lying to me so I wouldn’t start crying. (Everyone always lies about everything in my head)
I had no control over my words, my thoughts, my body was moving and I thought every movement was weird. 
Now today I feel awful and exhausted. I’m ashamed and terribly embarrassed of myself. I deleted my Facebook app so I wouldn’t have to look at anyone or be tempted to explain myself. 
-I’m 24 and I forget my age sometimes. -ask me a direction left or right I will mix them up. 
-Visualizing things in my head is damn near impossible.
- I forget how to spell simple things. 
- I will sit on my floor all day and not realize it sometimes. 
- I’m constantly aggressive and have little to no interest in meeting new people. Or conversation with anyone really.
- I always think my s/o is cheating on me and I will go to extreme lengths to prove it to them, accuse them of it, and  leave them constantly. 
- “everyone thinks I’m really stupid, but jokes on them I’m smarter than everyone” and “I have a special intuition that saves me from looking like a fool”
- I will be kinda like, stumbly? I’ll walk by a wall and kinda not realize I’m walking into it. Almost like my depth perception is off. 
- I have to think HARD. I’ll literally look up as I’m trying to think of something to say. 
- I don’t have much of a filter anymore, I’m just saying whatever pops in my head when I used to be shy.
- deaths of any sort barely bother me. 
- when I’m trying to be funny most people think I’m offended and mad. 
- I don’t cry as much as I used to, and if I do it’s in bursts. 20-30 sec. 
- I will beat the ever living fuck out of my head, until my eyes are black and my forehead is so swollen that my hardhat at work barely fits. 
- “everyone hates me” and “everyone loves me” 
- I’ll be doing normal everyday things then suddenly I’ll feel like I’m in a movie, like I’m being watched/filmed because I’m so entertaining. 
- I never return phone calls, messages, or anything even if it’s family. 
- convinced I’m a narcissist, but I hate everything about myself. 

Some of these I’ve felt all my life, some just in the last year or two.


I was diagnosed as borderline in a psych ward after a suicide attempt when I was 15(yeah I know it’s too young) but they gave me that diagnosis along with depression and anxiety. I can’t function like this much longer. I have no one in my life that I feel comfortable around anymore. What is this.