When I was 17 I had a nervous breakdown and this lead to me seeking for pyschiatric help. I was then diagnosed with ocd but as I grew up this turned out be a misdiagnosis and I have BPD.

I realized now that I'm older that when I'm really struggling I force myself to carry out with behaviour that people that do suffer with OCD with struggle with but it helps me avoid breaking down because I'm so busy with it, the problem is I have no idea how I came up with it because before seeking help I didn't really know much about it. I feel like my brain is fried when I do this to myself but I can't stop because if I am ready I'll have a meltdown.

If someone that has OCD happens to read this post, I'm sorry. I don't mean to trigger you, I really don't know if this is something that happens to someone else but I just came to the realization that I need to do something about this.