Three months ago when my FP finally decided to tell me the half-truth when I called him out on being distant he said he “needed only good things” in his life from now on. I’ve since spoken to him(after being told we were still friends/I could reach out whenever and then being ghosted for two months) and he said he just wants me to get better and needs space. I’m coming to terms with the fact that we will probably never be friends again and it kills me. Even if we did reconnect and he sincerely apologized for hurting me(I got an ‘I’m sorry’ during the last time we spoke, but I’m sure that was just him trying to appease the “psycho” he was talking to) I feel like I could never get over basically being told that I wasn’t good and it cuts me deeper than anything. I’ve been called way worse and have been emotionally and physically/sexually abused for long periods of time in the past and just knowing that he doesn’t think of me as a good thing in his life like I’d honestly take all those years of a abuse for an eternity over over the pain of him saying that and then ignoring me/laughing about ignoring me to a friend/laughing about how he wanted to date me. I’m starting to feel like despite my behavioral issues that I don’t deserve to be treated like my feelings don’t matter. I hate that I just get written off and receive passive apologies. I hate that I can be questioned and told a list of things about myself that hurt someone and I’m obligated to respond to what they’re asking because they hang the threat of leaving me over my head. I hate that after I apologize numerous times and I’m told everything is fine and told I need to “get over” my past issues ie my parents deaths, my abusive ex,etc. but whenever I make the smallest slip I get reminded of every horrible thing I might have done. It just idk it really just makes me see my former FP in a less than bright light. I have to get over my parents dying, but he’s still holding the fact that I flaked on him because of major anxiety over my head. I’ve just been dissecting my relationship with him over the past few days and the idealized love is slowly starting to dim, part of me doesn’t want to lose it and part of me will be happy when I can make myself happy and not rely on someone else to determine how I’ll feel for the day. It’s so tough to stop thinking and caring about him, it’s such a strong addiction because I had never felt love, care, or respect like that before from anyone in my life. My heart is just breaking because I’m finally remembering that he’s just a 20 something year old guy who also has mental health issues and there was no way this relationship would have been healthy. I’m just trying to think positively and continue my treatment and if the stars align and I’m meant to meet him again at a healthier time in my life then that’s great and if not then I need to be in a place mentally where that’ll be great too. 