I feel like such a liar all the time. I feel like I lie to everyone, even my therapist. I didn’t tell her that I cut my hips and thighs. I don’t tell her that my moods are almost cyclical to the point where I should start writing down mental episodes in my planner. I lie to everyone around me and say that I’m great and doing great with everything.

In reality, I’m a mess. I feel like I go from crazy intense to downright depressive. I feel like I’m Sisyphus in the sense that I have these intense periods where I’m driven and ready to take over the world and then everything I worked for crashed on me. I’m barely surviving college, but I’m terrified of breaking the illusion that I’m not a big shot. If my intense periods lasted longer, then I could keep up with my lies.

Now I’m at a point where I feel like I can’t go back on what I’ve said and basically be outed as a liar. I’ve already been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety so I feel like if I say anything more, I’ll sound like I’m making shit up. A part of me doesn’t even know if I am actually being honest with myself and feelings or if I’m subconsciously lying and I’m actually perfectly fine.

I just want to be ok and normal and happy.