tw for a lot of things. i don’t know. i am off putting.

i don’t even know what i have because i stopped going to therapy and quit medication soon after. it’s been like two years and i tell myself i’ll never go back or well, i won’t go back voluntarily.

anyways, uh.. i don’t really know how to start this because i’m bad at articulation and i say very off putting things. i’ve tried to write so many posts on different accounts but i just end up deleting or hiding it. 

for one, i have “obsessive” thoughts of events that may or may not have happened. i’m never too sure and it bothers me because some of the things are terrible. 

i feel terrible guilt for them and that makes me not want anything in life. i don’t want to be around my family but i’m scared that if i leave bad things will happen to them. i don’t like interacting with them or speaking with them despite me loving them. i feel that loving them is even weird. i don’t want to be gross or make them uncomfortable. i feel that my presence is a bad thing so whenever i’m around bad things happen. if that’s understandable? i feel like i make their day bad. i also don’t like to accept food or shared food because i feel shame. i think i should be a left alone to suffer. i wish they would see i’m not a good person and stop trying to care for me. some people don’t deserve anything, especially not compassion and it’s just true. i just feel their lives would be better off without me. i wish they never knew me as well as so many other people. i don’t know if i hurt them when i was little/allowed them to be hurt/ allowed them to hurt themselves or others in some way for sure but i think i did and it kills me.

it’s sort of been this way since i was a kid. i’ve always had these thoughts and theories about things. i was sort of odd and an “outcast”. i would never speak and i had few friends. it’s like this still today, i push most people away because of things like my looks, my guilt and not liking relationships/friendships. i was very “smart and quiet” and i did activities i would often lose interest in. i never felt comfortable around anyone or anything and it constantly felt like i was performing. i don’t know “who i am” but i do at the same time. if that makes sense? i just don’t feel human or like i should’ve been born. i’ve always felt that.. like i was the anti-christ. i wanted to move away at 12, across the country.. i’ve always wanted to be somewhere else. 

i’m as bad as the people who were bad to me. i say this every time and i truly mean it; i don’t care what happens to me, what has happened to me or what will. lots of “bad things” have happened to me but i don’t feel traumatized by them. i rarely ever think of them and sometimes i feel like i only think of them to cover for the bad things i’ve done. some people in life deserve what comes to them. not everyone is innocent. i just want the best for my family and i want them to be okay but they never will be because i was born. i am the cause of most peoples suffering and so much more. i don’t know if some of these things are true or not. i remember details, conversations and get constant mental images of things i now know didn’t happen. i’m still unsure about them as well as these current things.

i have theories but they seem delusional to everyone else. i think i’m dead at times and maybe i’m “reliving” in my mothers memory? maybe this is the future and that’s the only way i live? im not sure or i have another detailed theory i won’t say because im trying to be too off putting so maybe people will read.

anyways, there are other things that are bothering but not as much. i am starting to  “binge” (it’s not a lot of food but i feel bad for eating because i am a bad person) and vomit out of guilt of both eating and being a bad person. im also obsessed with my looks to the point i will not leave the house and i turn of lights to avoid looking at myself. i don’t look human if im honest.

currently, im about to freak out. my grandmother is close to me and she’s terribly loud. i feel like crying because i can’t block her out. my big headphones are charging and these earbuds are not loud enough. i cant tell her to quiet down because i haven’t spoke since i woke up. i rarely speak anymore. i like to write things down or use text to speech and texting because the words won’t come out. i also don’t feel like bad people should talk or do anything so i dont. i do talk sometimes but i eventually return back quiet.

i accuse people of things that “aren’t true”.  i use clues and i “assume” something is wrong with them. i assume they’re going to a tough time even if they’re not and i think it’s because of me. i try to avoid people as much as possible but i can’t avoid my family. it’s summer break and i do not exactly have my own room. 

i wish i would be left to die or something. i want the world to forget me. i don’t want anyone to acknowledge me. sometimes i think it’s nice but it is not worth it. 

also, i have fears of things like smelling bad. if i haven’t showered i wear a large zip up and stay far away from others or if i feel my breath is bad i cover my mouth with my hand. i don’t want to go outside because i think i will sweat, i smell smells that aren’t there. i don’t want friends or relationships because i feel like they might think i smell bad. 

i don’t like sex, masturbation or relationships. i will probably never have sex or a relationship. i have discussed them with people before but i have stopped all masturbation. i get intrusive thoughts and images and i feel gross. i don’t think bad people should have any of these things. i’m not asexual btw. i was interested in two of those things with a guy but i just don’t like people getting close to me and again, bad people should not have those things. sorry if that’s ignorant or tmi.

there are things i’m leaving out but it doesn’t matter that much. there’s only so much people on reddit can do. for right now, i’m trying to calm down because i am having a terrible time. i’m trying to stop all bad coping mechanisms but i just seem to trade them in for other ones. i thought i quit self harming but i just hurt myself more “physically” now. if that makes sense. i’m free of any and all drugs but only due to inaccessibility and lack of money. i don’t know how things will end up for me but i just wish i looked a bit better so i could die. i don’t think i would hesitate to shoot myself in the head. 

maybe the whole world needs to hate me so someone else will do it for me. i don’t know, i’m not sure. i have lots of theories and things i’d like to share but i’m not sure how. sorry if this was disturbing. i’m not sure if it is or not and i was just being honest.

i left it out but i have no “connection” to world. i don’t feel like i’m here at all. everything seems like the same day. i cant understand how others are moving so fast. it’s almost finished.. the year but i’ve done nothing. it doesn’t feel like.. anything? i have zero concept of time. it’s like i’m existing in a pool of water and i can move every limb. idk.


this is the weakest i’ve ever been. i don’t want to pitying myself but im doing it. i want to just work out more and do my plan. i think that’s how my life is meant to turn out. please, if you can, don’t sugar coat anything for me or try to rationalize stuff. also im not underage, im 18. i don’t want to be one of those people that hurt others because they were too weak. i don’t know. 

thank you all for reading. sorry if this is weird formatting. it won’t let me post anything. i’m calm now and i’ve forgotten about things but it only last a while. i think it’s over but it’s not.