
Is anyone else in a weird spot like this?
Like i feel like other people with messed up parts of their childhood learnt a lot quicker than I did. 
Learnt not to trust their parents. 
How to stand on their own 2 feet. 

Maybe that’s because all the fucked up stuff started at a later age (14) 
So people who had that stuff happen at earlier age, they were really conditioned so much earlier. The fucked up stuff was happening while their brains were literally like forming from toddlers to children to teenagers. 
Whereas mine started when I was a teen. 

It makes me feel really inadequate 
Like why haven’t I moved out yet?? 
I’m 19! 
This year I’m second year out of high school! 
My family has been so so shitty and fucked up (see previous posts lol) since I was like 14! 
Why didn’t I move out the second I could. 
It makes me so angry with myself. 
Maybe I have to cut myself some slack. 
The pandemic did start 2 months after I left school. 
But my area has not even been affected that much! 
Not even really at all! 
I live in Aus 

I just feel like when I here people talking about 
“I knew I had to get out of my family home at a young age, 
So I worked since I was 14 and saved up and left as soon as I could”! 
I feel so like almost jealous! 
Not because I want to have had their experience but I almost wish it was worse. 

Maybe if it was worse I would of left earlier. 
It makes me feel like the stuff I went through wasn’t even bad because If it was I would of left. 
And it wasn’t even that bad! 
The physical violence I experience from my brother rarely leaves bruises. 
Other people get bruises and more. 

Maybe if I had not of stayed this long it would not of got to a point where police were called and I was painted as the physical abuser and told I could be charged because my brother is a minor and I’m over 18. 
Even though I don’t even hit my brother. He’s the one who attacks me. And I retaliate sometimes. But often I don’t because I know he’ll come back 10 times harder.

I don’t think I’ve fully processed that event. It only happened the other night. But having the whole story being spun against me for the millionth time in the last 5 years and it being by police for the 2nd time. 

I have nothing going for me. 
I’m fat. 
No money. 
No job. 
No friends. 
My drivers license. 
I’ve been out clubbing once since I turned 18. And that was with my cousin.  And we’ve been allowed too (no covid here) 
I’m not in Uni. 

But I desperately want to go to a live in college while I go to uni because I feel so cheated because I missed out on the high-school experience 

But I can’t. I mentally can’t. 
My Mum told me barely 2 weeks ago that “it’s probably normal for brothers to touch their sisters on the breasts until someone tells them to stop it” 
This was after I accused my brother of touching me there a couple years ago and no one believed me. 
But now she suddenly believe it could of but that it was normal!? 
How am I supposed to go to UNIVERSITY WITH ALL THIS SHIT IN MY HEAD. 
I can’t even instantly recall most of the shit that’s happened in the last 2 weeks because I block it out. 
That’s why I keep a diary on here. 
And on my phone. 
Keep records. 

I feel like a fraud. My bruise that I did get from one of my brothers sessions with me isn’t even that big. 

And no he doesn’t touch me inappropriately anymore! 
And no I’m not saying the time he did, affected me severely! 
It didn’t! 

My Mum said “I didn’t realise it traumatised you” in a gaslighting in condescending way when referring to me asking her why she thought brothers touching their sisters on the breasts was normal: 
I NEVER SAID IT DID MUM, STOP PUTTING THOSE WORDS IN MY MOUTH 

I feel so bad about the police getting involved last time. 
So this time when the police were called (a few days ago) I didn’t say anything to them. 
I only corrected them when they tried to make it look like I was the abuser. 

I feel so invalid. 
I’ve made so many mistakes. 
I’ve stolen money from my family during these times (haven’t for over a year now) 
And am working to pay it back through the casual babysitting I do. 
Why doesn’t anyone give a shit? 
Why can’t I be strong?! 
Why do I keep putting up with this shit! 

I’m not codependent to my Mum but I also am! She’s not dependent on me so maybe it’s just me dependent on her. 
I’m not talking about financially. 
I’m talking emotionally even thought that women had the emotional literacy of a door. 

I need to get out. 
WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS SOONER.  

I don’t want any of my families help. 
Accepting their help would mean I’m not strong. 



Anyone feel like this???