Good afternoon yall! **This is an vent with many TW \[abuse, suicide, substance abuse\]**

 I finally found a safe space and wanted to vent and maybe ask for some help... I've been diagnosed with BPD for 5 years now (I'm 23). Unfortunately I don't have the money to afford the treatment. And sometimes, when I did, I always abandoned it in the middle. 

When I was 15, I met my boyfriend, who was 22 at the time. I call him boyfriend by formality, because he has never officially assumed me, even though he has been with me for almost 7 years. He claims to be diagnosed with OCD, and indeed he is, but he also exhibits many pathological narcissistic behaviors, as well as extreme substance abuse. In those 7 years, I was pushed far and near countless times. We dated other people during these intervals, but always ended up coming back together.  I attempted suicide at one of those times he discarded me, and he just blocked me from social media and went on with life without even visiting me in the ICU. This is just an example of the violence I suffered, which was many and of all kinds (physical, mental, sexual).

Today, studying about NPD, I understand him a little better and realize that there is no hope for either of us, so I try to get away from it but it seems physically impossible! And when I finally gather up the courage, like last week when after hours of being yelled at for how I am a piece of trash, I just got up to leave and he locked the door, punched the cabinet, grabbed a pair of scissors and started cutting himself in front of me. All the times I left him first for fear of him leaving me, he threatened to kill himself. My life is upside down, I can't study, I can't work, I no longer have any friends, my family suffers with this whole situation, I myself am involved with substances abuse together with him and I don't see any way out but death. Thank you for reading. :(