I (31F) am absolutely failing at keeping my BPD under control in my relationship. I'm on sertraline, doing CBT, psychotherapy, I meditate, I try to take a moment to think before erupting, I'm trying to keep a healthy routine with regular sleep. 

My outbursts went from once a month, to once a week, to almost daily. My boyfriend is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. For his sake I'm thinking the only way that can happen without me destroying him in the process and causing him constant negativity, is if "the rest of my life" is another week or so. 

Previously I was only planning to live until my mum dies and then kill myself, and then recently I split on my mum to the extent where I don't care how she feels about my death. If I were to kill myself I would make it look as accidental as possible so that the love of my life doesn't feel guilty for a second, and doesn't think about it. Our relationship has been the happiest time of my life and I would give up my life for his if I had to. He doesn't deserve to feel guilty for my death. 

And he also doesn't deserve to put up with me and waste his life on my insanity and drama. He deserves all the best things in the world. I'm just a kick in the teeth. 

I know that eventually he will not be able to handle the monstrosity that I am. And I know that I won't be able to handle living without him. I will not be able to live with myself whether he stays with me or not - if he stays I will suffer out of guilt, if he leaves I will suffer out of losing the only good thing I've ever had. 

I'm feeling quite calm about wanting to die. I'm not scared like I always was. And that scares me.