Just venting. Not looking for advice or solutions so please don't offer any. (Had issues w this before in this community so just wanted to reiterate.)

I am a miserable and hyperemotional mess. Lockdown was really hard for me. (Like it was for everyone so why do I think my suffering is special?) 

I live 4,000 miles away from my family and friends. I have friends here where I live but no one I can truly depend on or talk open and honestly with.

I suppose that's entirely my fault, I've pushed everyone away by drinking too much and making a total ass of myself whenever I was able to go out. 🤦‍♀️ Hence why I'm working so hard to stay sober because I cannot continue to be that person. 

I have a lot of family issues as well as paranoia. I don't really leave the house unless it's to go to the shop. I had a coffee with an acquaintance about a month ago but that's the only social interaction I've had all year. But she and I are on totally different levels and in different stages of life so I felt I had to wear a mask the whole time.

I've had other friends ask if I wanted to go for coffee (wow, they made the effort first!) but then when I try to schedule something they leave me on read. My rational mind knows they've got shit going on and probably just forgot. But my paranoia tells me they actually hate me and they only offer to hang out with me to keep up appearances. So I don't bother following up.

Recently, my FP has been going out pretty regularly to see people, several times a week, so I've been home alone a lot. This isn't usual, though, they're normally home most of the time. And we have a mutual friends but again I feel like I have to wear a mask with all of them.

The people who I'm closest to other than my FP all live so far away from me. Texts and calls just don't fill the void. I'd give anything to be able to spend some actual time with them whenever I wanted to. I haven't seen them in over 3 years. 

And of course if I complain about being lonely or homesick, that somehow means I hate my life here. I can feel two things at once.

TL:DR: just bitching about being lonely and living half a world away from the only friends I can truly trust.