I lost the joy in everything (again).
Right, info of me: new as a Redditer (was lurker before that), 28, chronically depressed since age of 14, official status of being disabled since this very year, unemployed, failed all my job trainings/ apprenticeships and studies I've done before, designated memer but without much appreciation, haven't had sex for 6 years now...
Enough of my profile.
Just today I realized how much my family has left me behind the last couple of weeks and months. They knew and know I have been depressed and were supportive most of the time, since all of my family members have been through depression at least once in their lives. Just today I had an ugly argument with my mother, she again came with accusations of me being lazy and assumed I do the things I (don't) do out of pure evilness (although she should know better as a common chronical depressed person). I realized it the other day and said it to her: "the last person who sincerly asked how I was, was M. (A gamer friend of mine). I haven't heard any relative ask me how I was doing the last couple of weeks". She didn't want to answer other than "you depicting yourself as a victim doesn't help". And I know that, but that's just another symptom of my depression, same as sleep problems, anger issues, lack of concentration and so on...
If it wasn't for my family I surely wouldn't be alive at this point, but recently I have the biggest will to end it all than I ever could've imagined. I sit at home and cry all day, sometimes Youtube, TV, games or cuddling with my cat help, but I also lost most of the joy in all those things. "If not even my family cares about my life, why would I care?" is what I keep thinking the most recently. I have fear, I don't know what to do...