So...the point where my problems stem seem to be from my childhood trauma. More specifically. How I was raised to think my life never mattered. How my mom told me to kill myself a few times and seemed to genuinely hate me. But, she had moments where she also loved me. She's since passed away and I *do* believe she wanted to love me with all her heart. Though she may have been a undiagnosed borderline herself 

This back and forth created a situation where I am afraid to love myself. To want to try DBT and other things in my life. I am afraid that something will push me over the edge. Maybe I ruin a relationship, hurt someone really badly, etc. And then to escape my evilness and consequences I will have to die

Anyways, I came up with a list of things I want vs. things I don't want

Things I want:

·  To be able to take responsibility for my actions without wanting to die

·  To be able to accept that my actions could ruin a relationship and not want to die for it

·  To be able to create bonds and believe in the compliments I receive

·  To one day love myself

·  To learn to live and not exist

·  To stop hating myself 

·  To forgive myself 

Things I don't want

·  I don’t want to die

·  I don’t want to give up

I believe this is the core of how I feel. But I am afraid to even go there cause....maybe I might fuck up so bad one day someone will want me to kill myself

And at that point, I might