I push so many friends away after awhile, the really good friends because I'm embarrassed of myself so I pretty much ruin the friendship that we had by like ghosting them, or such. But during friendships while they happen, I create so many misunderstandings and have an urge to explain myself but everytime I explain myself I just say a bunch of mumbo jumbo not what I'm thinking and what actually was going on. Or I misword everything I mean to say. I like surprising ppl so I'll constantly act like I'm not buying them food or getting them a gift for their birthday, or that I even know that their birthday is tomorrow and my present has been wrapped up for them for over a month hidden away. I constantly act as if I didn't do anything for them so they get surprised but then right before it's time to give them their surprise, I can see that they're kinda sad, or sometimes mad and then start saying certain things that are hurtful, that I just keep the present hidden and just run away, or I don't give them the food that I cooked or ordered just for them and just say o I just was so so so hungry and stuff my face till I throw up because I can't really eat that much food. 

I am so embarrassed of myself for constantly doing this too, but I mean I do it so often, I do say a lot of the time when I ordered food for both of us, that it obv is my food I was so hungry but it's obv stuff only they like and I usually hand it to them, it's just when they don't know I'm joking and then say hurtful things I just keep it to myself, because yeah I guess I hurt them too... I don't like myself at all I cause these misunderstandings.

Just recently I wanted to give these artisans as a gift because their birthday is soon and I was social withdrawing for a while and was too scared to meet them during Christmas (or I guess even now) I asked if they wanted them and then they asked me how would I give it to them and I said idk because I don't want to leave the house but then I don't want to mail it, but then I want to meet them in person to give them, but then I don't. So I make it seem like I totally don't want to see them and am using them for just getting rid of artisans that I don't like or that I had too much of but I do want to meet up and give them just I know I can see the depression in my eyes from constantly crying, and the lifeless expressions I make, I don't want them to see me like that so I can't meet them in person so I can pretend I'm okay. I don't want them to think I'm just giving them leftovers of stuff I don't like because they are all stuff I genuinely like and hope they like... It's just I'm always saying the wrong stuff that I bought too much or just constantly making them think I'm not thinking of them...

These misunderstandings constantly give me multiple panic attacks and also I keep missing timing on saying happy birthday, when others say it right there, I keep getting fucking anxious to say it too, I wish I didn't have graveyard shift lol so I could text it right at 12am and not worry. 

How TF do I stop pushing ppl away seeming like a cold hearted bitch every second of the day constantly making misunderstanding after misunderstanding?

 If you could tell by reading this, yeah I suck at explaining anything... It makes the misunderstandings worseeeeee I didn't even word this post right at all