I've struggled with mental illness ever since I was a child, came from an abusive upbringing. I've tried so fucking hard to stay safe, but I feel like I'm so close to breaking. I was told by my pediatrician when I was 14 that I was bipolar, but as an adult, 29, I haven't been diagnosed. Hell, I haven't really been to the doctor since I was 18. I have always struggled with thoughts about wanting to die, but in the last couple of years I have actually found that I want to live. I dropped out of school when I was 15, I just got my ged last year. I honestly didn't think I would live long enough to ever get one. I'm trying to take baby steps to become somewhat normal, but it's still incredibly hard. I just feel myself getting weaker mentally, and I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I just don't understand why life is so hard, and why I am so tired. I'm in tears writing this. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I grew up being told that it is weak to feel this way. I've tried to be strong for so long now, I'm just so tired of trying. I don't take any meds, I just smoke weed and it helps for the most part. I actually feel like a better person when I do, which in turn makes me feel weak for my dependence on it. I'm sorry for venting, just had no where else to vent. I hope you all have a wonderful day/night.