I have a lot going on in my life right now, enough to make anyone go "yeah its no wonder youre felling shit rn". But i just cant deal with anything right now.

My girlfriend was showing me home videos earlier of her as a baby. I saw how happy her family was, how loved she was a child. I turned my phone on airplane mode and pretended it died. I laid in bed and watched as the numb darkness enveloped by entire body - that was something Is never get to experience. I wasn't loved as a child, Id never get to experience a family that loves me or a family that makes me feel like theyre proud of me. There are almost no pictures of me as a baby/child, let alone videos. The only 5 pictures of me I know of are in MY memory box, not my parents.

I dont expect my girlfriend to walk on eggshells around me and never show me pics and videos of her childhood, and im certainly not wishing shed have never experienced that, I just wish I had also.

I wish everything was different. I hate who I am and how I am. I hate knowing ill never get a chance to just be normal, every day Ill wake up and my brain will think and function different because the people who were supposedly supposed to love me the most didnt give a shit about me when I needed them to be there for me, when I relied on them. I resent them for that, I dont think its something I'll ever be able to forgive them for. I hate being so fucked up.

Why cant I just be normal.