This will be a discussion of suicide so you may want to scroll past.

A week ago, last Friday, I was making my son breakfast. I grabbed the toaster out of the cabinet and it dawned on me; I can toaster/bath my way out. At first I was like “Haha you dumb brain.” but then I became really wrapped up in it. I contacted the text hotline but they weren’t any help because I didn’t feel like I was suicidal as usually when I am, I am depressed and feel hopeless. I felt like I hated my life but not enough to hurt myself.

However, it was a obsession and I felt compulsive about it. So much, to the extent that I was eventually curled up in fetal position on the bedroom floor and afraid that I was going to grab the toaster if I left the room. I didn’t want to, but I felt like I HAD to. Does this sound familiar at all?

The police were called and they drove me to the hospital where I spent two days in a bipolar hypomanic state and then fell into depression and sent home. 

I have experienced suicidal feelings about feeling sad and hopeless. But never a compulsion. I was obsessed with it. 

Now, I am afraid that I know “my method” so I’ll just be that much closer to an attempt. And I’m afraid that I’ll be obsessive and compulsive about it again and lose control. That terrifies me. (But at the same time I feel more comfortable with the idea of it and confident in the plan I have been building since I can remember.)

Does this compulsive action sound familiar? Or am I just weird?