Just thought I’d add a little trigger warning for some very negative thoughts, as I don’t want to drag vulnerable individuals down to my level. So uh, trigger warning lol.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s debilitating. And I’m not convinced that this is the type of anger or frustration that will spur me to action and healthier living, which makes me more upset. 

I’ve had depression for about 8 years now, since I was about a sophomore in high school. I was convinced the lowest low was a few years ago, and felt lucky that I never reached the point where I couldn’t take care of basic needs. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, lost over 100lbs, gained more confidence and social skills, almost what looks like a total transformation if you were an outside observer.

But now? Some shitty events and circumstances occurred, which I won’t get into on here, and it is now a huge fucking chore to take a shower. I have about the same or less energy I possessed when I was very overweight. My car is going to explode or some awful shit if I don’t get this oil changed. My parents are rapidly losing patience with me as I quit my job months ago and haven’t gotten things moving again. I have a slew of birthday messages, checking in texts, unreturned calls and other communications from friends and family that I’d rather never talk to again at this point. I just want to be alone. I want life to pause for just a fucking minute while I catch my breath. But it never did, and never will. I wish I was stronger. 

I feel so far removed from normal thought process and ways of living. I’m tired of my peers being shocked when they see how I live and treat myself, despite their efforts to appear nonjudgmental. I’m tired of people who haven’t talked to me in a while checking in to see if I’ve gotten my shit together. Because I haven’t. I’m 23 years old and I’ve gotten nowhere. 

In my core I know I’ll get better. That’s all I can believe if I want to continue being around. Which I’m sure more than ever I do, but while my suicidal thoughts have subsided over the years, these are the strongest depression symptoms I’ve ever experienced. 

That’s about all I think I will say. I wish everyone here the best of luck in your journeys, and encourage you guys to seek fulfillment and joy, despite the odds. Much love.