i just had a huuuuuge realization and like idk if i’m just being delusional or i’m right. i feel like the answer has been right in front of me all along.

all my life, i’ve been self aware that i become a chameleon when talking to others.. i’ve never had a personality, anything of my own or any sense of self. i thought that this was how it was and maybe it was another version of normal but no this rly isn’t normal.. it’s reached to the point where i’m practically a blank slate that’s waiting for others to talk and i’m starting to notice how boring i am when i listen to my insecurities. to change this, i want to try to stop mirroring other people and try to talk on my own. this all might sound really easy to other people but i’ve been very insecure all my life and i’m trying to relearn social skills (just without my bpd fucking it up). especially because i thought this was normal, it feels weird doing anything else.  i never realized how boring it is for me to be a blank slate. i always thought it was weird when people liked me when i was acting like “myself” or if i wasn’t focused on putting all the attention onto someone else. i’ve always felt like i was really annoying and just unpleasant to be around so i hid from the world… this realization doesn’t completely fix my lack of self but honestly i’ve hated myself for so long and it feels like a weight off my shoulder that i can //maybe// start being myself. i still don’t completely understand myself or anything else but when i act without constantly thinking about what the other person is thinking about me or how can i fit in with them, others seem to think i’m okay to be around. maybe it’s okay to not please everyone. 

ngl writing this down, i sound pathetic but oh well. dbt is good sometimes, radical acceptance is great :)