I have not officially been diagnoses with BPD, but multiple therapists have suggested I have it. I keep trying to find advice online for how to cope, but every time I do I see all these articles about how hard it is being friends/dating someone with BPD. I can't get past all those articles to find good ones, they feel so hard to find. And seeing those things hurts. It makes me feel awful, especially right now where I feel like some unlovable asshole.

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I love my partner. I love them a lot. But right now I can't stop thinking about such awful things, to the point it feels like I could even say my thoughts reflect dislike towards them. But I love them, I know I do, I care about them. But I cannot stop thinking about just looking somewhere else, looking for something easier, something more casual, because doing this is so hard. Asking my friend for a hookup. I don't know. I just want something easy and accessible. I only ever feel this way when they're not responding, whether because they're asleep or busy, or struggling through a hard time their self. 

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I struggle with being alone. I struggle with it a lot, and they feel like the only reliable person that will be around. But they want more space, and they're spending less time with me when we aren't together in person. Which is hard for me. It's really hard. Especially when my other friends are growing distant too. But I know I can't just rely on my partner. 

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They weren't responding today, because they've been feeling like shit and they have been sleeping. My friend who I've had interest in previously has recently gotten out of a relationship. While I feel lonely because my partner isn't responding, my thoughts wander to "what ifs" of being with my friend, or hooking up with them. Thinking that maybe they'd give me more attention which is what I want.

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When I think about it farther than surface level, I know it's a stupid idea. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my partner for a chance at more attention especially when the amount I want probably isn't healthy anyways. But I'm still scared of sabotaging this relationship because I'm not getting exactly what I feel like I want/need. Even knowing that the things I want/need are not healthy expectations of one person.

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My issue is that I have all of this awful and unhealthy thoughts, and I have such strong urges to act on them, and it just makes me feel like utter garbage. My therapist suggested CBT but it doesn't really work when my issues are so internal right now. It helps with my anxiety, but not when my anxiety is about my own self control and my own internal thoughts.

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If anyone has any thoughts, suggestions, or anything else. I could really use the help right now. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

I'm marking it as NSFW as I mention hookups a couple times. I don't know if it needs a CW for that. But just in case.