My BF thought it'd be a good idea to start running together, I did suggest I wanted to go to the gym so it wasn't just random. 

I just find it all so embarrassing. How I look, how it feels... And just the ridicule I feel against myself - as someone who used to restrict and over exercice, it made me realise I'd really let myself go. 

We did about 1km and my BF started talking about how one day we could run to the beach and back, and about how he used to run 5km in one go. Idk I just felt so useless and such a failure then and there that I just turned around and started walking home. I couldn't explain it to him. 

I couldn't explain how I used to exercice myself to exhaustion, on the treadmill for an hour every night after school. Sit ups at midnight. Only eating an orange until dinner time. The forced dinners, the guilt and shame. The self harming that was my 'punishment' if I ate. No number on the scale could be low enough. 
That was around 5 years ago; since then I've put on the weight I lost and just stayed around the same. Until depression, BPD and smoking weed got into the way. 

Some parts of me wishes I could just become that person I used to be again, because losing weight the healthy way seems near on impossible.