my entire body is shaking and im emotionally frozen yet tears are flowing from my eyes. he justtttt told me he had a girlfriend and he shouldn't have led me on. he flirted with me paid for my food. risked talking me looking over to make sure his boss wasn't looking. talked with me until 1 am. he said he doesn't talk to any other girls until 1 am.sent me a pic after he just got out the shower. or when he was in the gym never told me he had a girlfriend. he was really sweet and talked to me everyday. every single guy wants me for my body and nothing else. i thought he didnt. i don't know what is wrong with me. i work a full time job, im really good in my career despite having bpd, im very beautiful, im skinny but not too skinny, i put effort into my outfits, im funny, im nice and sweet to everybody. some guy once told me " the only reason anyone listens to you is because you are hot" and that sticks with me. i want someone to love the real me for once. for once i want somebody to actually love me. everyone always leaves me. no matter how matter how hard i try im never good enough for anybody. i don't want to say how dark my mind is getting but you know. im having extreme extreme emotions right now. my brain is black. my mind is very very dark. i dont understand why everybody else gets to be loved when i don't. i deserve love but im always treated like im worthless. it's so easy for my girl friends to find guys that actually want them but never me.

some of what he's said: 

I see it as being friendly that’s just who I am. If that is flirting then maybe this is the reality check I need bc it’s never my intention to lead anyone on to something more than a friendship &amp; it’s never intended to be flirty 

No it’s not a misreading on you I did lead you &amp; I see how I shouldn’t have &amp; I should have been honest 
It’s not a thing to do with you 
Bc like I said you’re amazing, you are genuinely very nice and sweet and kind you have a good heart &amp; honestly if I wanted to I could have used you but I’m not that guy I would never do that to you or to anybody but matter of the facts is I should have been honest 

&amp; I know nothing I say will make it better but if there’s a chance for us to talk again I would like to be able smooth things out 

Honestly take all the time you need I’d just like if we can talk again to smooth things out

I just didn’t want to ruin a potential friendship 

I assumed but I wasn’t going to say anything until I was certain But like I said I shouldn’t have held off from telling you in the first place But like I said I shouldn’t have held off from telling you in the first place 

There’s no reason I shouldn’t have been honest from the start I was scared I didn’t want to lose a friend bc like I said you are very genuine &amp; kind overall a great person so I was scared to lose a friend 

if he cares so much about his relationship why didn't he tell me about it? why did he acknowledge he doesn't talk to other girls until 1 am? why does he care so much about a potential friendship? why did my coworker walk in and he asked if he knew me then talked about how sweet i am to her? why does he care so much about me as a friend even though we've just started talking? why does he care soooo much about a potential relationship? fucking intentions because something is not adding up

im losing my fucking mind