not sure why I am writing this but I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm not in therapy anymore. I have no one I can talk to about this.

I used to think that I would probably never attempt because I didn't want to hurt my family. But I'm finally at the point where I don't care about that anymore. If I'm dead...I'm not going to know how they react. And sure it would rock their world but...they haven't lived decades of suffering the way I have.

I'm still not going to attempt because I care too much about my cats. So that's the only thing stopping me right now.

But I'm at my last straw...I've always had nothing. No one. I would use sex to get intimacy I knew I'd never get from romantic relationships or friendships. But that's fleeting. But it was my only "connection" to people. Now I've realized that similar to me not being able to have romantic relationships (which I don't have and never have successfully had and don't have much of a dating history, pretty much none), I can on longer have sex. It's triggering me in the same ways romance does. 

I feel so broken down. My life is just ok and sure...many people wish their life was like that. I get that. But...being on this earth just does not seem worth it when you have no close friends/family/loved ones. My cats only do so much...I love them dearly, so much. And I want them to live forever so I guess...unless I get pushed to the edge which might happen...I'll also be living forever. But their love for me...it's not the same as human love...human interaction. There are people IN my life. Not part of it. Not part of the journey. Not part of the ups and non-stop downs. I don't really know how much longer I can live like this. 

I used to for a short period of time think all of this was my BPD. And maybe if I overcame it...people would love me. But I've posted about this before...so many of you have at least one person. And I don't even have that. I've never had that even as a child who did nothing to anyone. So I don't really think it's my BPD that has caused me to have this...worthless life. It's just...me? Question mark because I have no idea what I did. Maybe I didn't do anything and this is just the hand I was dealt with in life. But nearly everyone treats me as an inconvenience. Something annoying. Bothersome. Worthless. 

I don't like me or love me. And I have no desire to start because I just don't think I can when no one else does. You don't have to love yourself first for other people to love you. That's evident in so many places in life...this sub is an example of that. So many of you have love when you hate yourself. I don't have love...from anything or anyone other than my cats...and I hate myself. I don't think there's anything so wrong with me that I deserve any of this. But it is easier to see why you are a good person when other people feel the same way. No one feels that way about me. I don't think people would blink twice if they knew how they made me feel.

There's not really a point to this. No one can save me. I can't even save me. I wish so badly something would happen to me so that I could just die and not have any control over it. I'm scared of death. I like parts of life. I don't want to die. But I do want to die because I don't have anyone. And life is extremely lonely when you have not one...single...person...who cares about you. A stranger on the internet providing sympathy/empathy isn't care. You're hoping your words will help someone like me. But I'm not like everyone else...and that's not a good thing. I wish I was more like some of you. Maybe then I'd have at least one person fighting for me. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I ever did. I just really hate that this is my life. And there's absolutely nothing...I can do to change it. No amount of therapy and healing and processing is going to suddenly make people start loving me. And no amount of learning to love myself is going to stop my desire for relationships. That is all I want in life. Is for one person to love me for who I am and not think I'm a bad person. To look at me and all my issues and not think I'm a bad person. I guess I should just be more specific. I just wish I had a relationship. Everyone else basically does. And that one person is enough for a lot of you. Maybe if I had someone I wouldn't feel like killing myself most days. 

That's not healthy...sure. But. If everyone else gets to have that...why can't I? What did I do?

What do I do.