I’m the worst

Just so you know, English isn’t my first language and my writing ability is kinda meh because I’m kinda dumb so it might be pretty hard to read and it’s kinda unorganized i hope you understand….

I’m currently 21-ish (my country has a different age counting system, so i’m 23 in my country but in other countries’ standards i’m 21 cause i was born in late 2000) and serving my country in the airforce for mandatory service. 

Now i was bullied for like 6 years when i was in elementary school from year 1 to year 6 by the same guy repeatedly. And going through all that i got more shy and now i’m unable to approach someone without making things awkward when i’m trying to be friend with someone. But it’s a bit unconventional than just being shy. 

I can talk to someone with ease at first. But as i get closer to someone i usually distance them because in my mind i think that he(or she) might feel uncomfortable making it hard for me to deepen relationships. And this doesn’t apply to everyone. 

I assess people when i talk to them. Like ‘this guy seems easy enough’ or ‘jeez this guy looks tough’. And i act normal to the guys who i think it’s pretty easy to be friend with. But to the one’s who i assess as hard or tough ones (like girls, or just cool kids) i act kinda awkward. And this just makes me feel bad for myself. I just feel like i’m the scum for assessing people just for their feature i can catch on immediately.

And now i only have my middle school friends which is just 9 guys and i don’t even text except for that 9 guys. And if i text to others it just makes me scared thinking that i might have made mistakes while i didn’t even notice it.

And now since i’m in my mandatory service period, except for the people in my company, i don’t have any people to talk to. Before i got enlisted to the military i was a college student so i had some opportunities to meet people and i did. (I didn’t make any college friends tho but still.) but now it’s basically like i’m prisoned. 

I never had girlfriend even though i’m straight.  And don’t have many friends because of what i do. These gives severe impact to my self esteem like “i’m ugly as hell” or “i’m just a douchebag”, “i can’t talk to people” etc..

And i keep on asking my friends “am i ugly?” “I’m a douchebag aren’t i?”. 

I’m not sure what to do. I think i need help but i can’t get help cause i’m in military. My only option is getting help from random people through reddit. If you read through all of the gibberish i made above would you kindly give me some answers? What should i do? I seriously hate myself and i don’t have any answers…