Eventhough i'm just 18, i feeling like my life has been so long and surreal. Litteraly everything that should go right went wrong and i just feel lost ..... what are healthy standarts? I cant even tell. I was raped and molested mutiple times, abused by my family and first boyfriends and bullied in school + online. Now i dont want pity but when things like that happen when u sre young you have no chance lead a bormal life. For many years i didnt even know that what i went through is "wrong".I remember what happened to me and everything but when i get triggered it feels like an out of body experience. I've done all the healing work (theraphy, cutting people off, affirming, practicing self love ect but i  still feeling lost. No help System can make my experiences go away and i dont get how the society expects me to work as a normal human being?!!.

I always feel watched what makes me scared and found out that its called scopophobia. Like idk god could Tell me i'm alone in a room and still feeling watched... also whenever i do something my inner voice  jugdes me because i'm so used to be getting put down. I feel like "i" dont even exist. "Others" dont even exist. What if my thoughts are Not even mine and i'm rly being watched? Like... what are the odds of every traumatic experience (but murder/abduction) happening to me in 18 years of living? Pretty low right... expect in the universe of a movie. 

I live in a rich and relatively save country with a good health System, good work System and high life expectancy yet i lead this pathetic life. I dont know if my guess that i'm Not real is the truth and i will wake up one Day or i'm schizophrenic or at the brink of insanity but whatever the case is, i cant take it and longer.