Been with my partner about 3 years and it hasn't been perfect. And that's fine because I know relationships aren't perfect. 
But when I was first diagnosed with anexiety and mild depression it was hard in my relationship. After visiting my parents for spring break and then mass hysteria of covid I didn't return to the city where my bf was. We became long distance. 

The relationship was the one thing that helped me. I got happiness from it. I felt like I could control this one thing in my life but in the midst of being away my symptoms grew worse because I was worried about how to return to the city and how to move things for my apartment. I guess my thoughts and how I was acting at that time caused him to push away and he ended up cheating on me. I found out in the worst way. I forgave him because as the relationship got hard I considered breaking up too upon my return to the city since things kept getting heated 

Now we are here. My depression and anexiety is back and I feel stuck. He says I'm lashing out on him, and in ways I see it although it's never my intention. He says whenever he comes over he feels like he can't say he's leaving because I'll get upset. And its true. I do get upset because in my mind he signaled he staying the night since it's around 8 or 9pm or he brought clothes in his backpack for the next morning. It takes about 30 monutes to an hour for me to process that im gonna be alone again and to not be upset. I know I've been assuming he's staying and not asking and that has to change, but I still get upset when he's has to go. 

I tried explaining to him why I react that way and just to give me time when he sees me like that. And if I'm starting to cry while I'm speaking I'm overwhelmed. Give me hug. Reassure me. He says he does that (not in those moments cuz he's upset too, which again is okay cause no one is perfect) He says he wishes he could just get an okay have a goodnight. I understood him but i wasnt sure he got that i wasnt doing this purposely, and it led to arguments that my emotions are too much, just how he was talking to me before he cheated 2 years ago. But with hearing my emotions are too much and him saying he loves me but he can't handle my emotions anymore and he's tries his best to be there for me but he just can't seem to do it right. (He does do nice things like he comes over and holds me as I cry tries to get me to do yoga or paint or laugh. So him not doing this riggt isn't true.)

 I feel like he wants to go. That he's given up on being understanding and paitent with me. I don't want to be cheated on again. And i definatelty dont want to feel like im too much for my partner because i feel things. I try to make him understand my actions and I know its gotta be hard because I get so high and low. But I try each day and im trying to find a therapist for help. 

In my mind whenever I tell people when my feelings were hurt it was always disregarded. They said I was too emotional to get tougher skin. I can't help if something hurt my feelings or if  am sensitive. I feel like I was honest with him about what it's like for me and how to make it better and he hates me. 

I feel like I should let go. And just get used to being alone. It would save his feelings and mine.