
I (23 F) ended my relationship with my ex fiancé (24 M) of 4 years a month ago. At the time my decision was fueled by obsessive thoughts of wanting to be alone, incompatibility, and high emotional stress from my dads suicide. 

(Short back story on me: I have never not been in a relationship since I was 16, never lived alone and never actually learned self reliance)

Our relationship started with a mutual friend. We made each other laugh and had some things in common. We were both Codependent and it felt really good to have someone to rely on and that was the Foundation of our love for each other. We shared our desires, hopes and dreams. Supported each other financially and it was a hit or miss emotionally. Him needing to be praised and adored but never emotionally open. He also struggles with Schizophrenia and trauma. I needed validation and someone to take care of. The longer we were together the more we needed from each other to feel whole. We’ve been through a lot together always having each other’s back no matter the situation (good or bad). 

It was like this for the four years we shared but there was nothing left to give emotionally we had shared everything with each other. EVERYTHING. Food, clothes, housing, friends, outings, music, hobbies. It’s like we gave up our Wills to each other. There was no passion only routine and comfort in the cycles. We wanted to please the other without taking care of ourselves. 

After my dad past he was the one that got me through it. Holding me through the sobs and basically not leaving me alone to deal with it. The month following was surreal. I felt like I was doing everything mindlessly just so I could hold things together knowing that my world had been flipped upside down. I have always had these moments/mental breaks of fear and panic about whether or not anything was real or meaningful, especially my relationships. Knowing what I knew about our relationship being based on codependency, routine and false security I obsessed over the thoughts. Over and over in my head I thought “You will never know if your strong enough on your own if you don’t leave him” “I’m afraid of being alone so I’m just going to keep up the routine until he gives me a reason” “We can make it work” “I want to grow together, but how!” “I will only be better if I let go of what I’m most afraid of losing” 

I don’t regret breaking it off but I do regret how I broke it off. He was very high off an edible and I decided maybe the edible would distract me from these thoughts but they only echoed and screamed in my head. He walked up to me and said “You are the purest most loving person” and that’s what made me SNAP. I went into a panic attack. Couldn’t breathe or stand, HIGH as fuck.  I got the guts and told him “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, I want to break up”. I couldn’t talk I thought I was having a heart attack, so he called my mom and started grabbing things. At one point I begged for him back. I was so scared I had ruined the only constant part of my life, which in retrospect was stupid of me. He said no , short answer. Then no contact other than exchanging material things. 

I’ve been going to therapy which has helped a lot. Confided in friends and started to focus more on myself and my physical and mental health. Also learning to be alone, all of which will take time. 

He wants to talk and I’m guessing for closure. I never got the chance to tell him why. Is there any advice or constructive criticism you could offer?