I don’t know where to start.

My thoughts have been so black and white and depressing for so long that it’s like second nature. I’ve always dealt with pain by doing unhelpful shit and suppressing it for so long, maybe my whole life. If I talk about my emotions, I overshare or start arguing because I don’t get validated, just “what are you gonna do about it?” especially with family members. I know they come from a good place but ugh. My stress levels are like beyond right now, and always have been high, but they’re especially high rn, can’t even think clearly. I’ve always dealt with unfortunate things in life by screaming and crying. Since I was a child. I’ve been clingy to people my entireeee life. 

Ex. This guy I was romantically interested in talked about me positively to my friend, so I started talking to him, and it ended with him telling my friend I was “Such a clingy person.” This girl I used to hang out with... the same. These people weren’t really a match and it was superficial but damn it hurt. Cause its true. I don’t really help myself or feel a connection to myself so I cant really expect friendships to last. 

I want to develop into a fully formed, healed human and personality and not be a shell of myself anymore. i’m 22 now and I’m so so tired of the same cycles. I’m tired of people looking at me and feeling bad for me because of how on-edge and nervous and unconfident i am. I want to break the cycle. I’m tired of this shit.

Where do I even start?