I've alienated everyone in my life. I'm so alone. Nobody ever wants to talk to me. I don't even want to talk to anyone either. I'm in such agonizing pain. I wish I could reset my life. Maybe not kill myself, but I wish I had a time machine to undo all the silly mistakes I've made.

I just want to kill myself, but I can't, because there's so much to look forward to. I just CAN'T LIVE THOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!! Because I could NEVER kill myself. I WANT to be happy, I do!!! But it's so hard for me to just EXIST. Because I feel like nobody will accept me. I feel no warmth. Nobody really likes me that much. Why persevere if I will never be truly loved by anyone other than maybe my parents? I'm just a fucking drag on everyone around me!!

I can't continue existing because I am a negative presence in the lives of everyone I share a connection with. That's not true, I'm just looking for pity, right? Because I'm selfish!!!!!

I want it to end. I don't want to exist. I don't deserve to. I hate myself.

I can't do therapy. I tried it briefly but I couldn't do it. I felt no warmth with my therapist. No connection, just like with everyone else in my life. Especially since it was online.

I just want somebody to like me, ANYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GENUINELY, AND NOT OUT OF A SENSE OF OBLIGATION (Parents) OR MERE TOLERATION (Everyone else). I CANT CONNECT WITH ANYONE IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL SO AFFLICTED!!!!

Every day I just tell myself that I want to die. I wonder if my parents hear it. I just do it, without thinking. I say that "[My name] killed himself" in the third person repeatedly. I'm neurotic and insane and self-destructive and lonely and insecure and suicidal (probably! i dont even know what youd call these feelings!)

I want to escape the voices and the judgement but I can't. I am in pain and eternal suffering.