It's been years of no contact at this point. She's moved on long ago and I can't let go of the mistakes I made, how I threw our relationship away for nothing. Every night and every morning I'm haunted with my thoughts of failure and it's led me down a terrible path in life. I have dreams about this and it only amplifies my feelings of lonliness and hopelessness. I hate everything in my life and cannot find joy in even my favorite of hobbies. Whenever I've tried to get into another relationship, it's almost like PTSD and I'm reminded of all my mistakes and it makes me feel worthless. At this point I'm at a loss of words, just a feeling of defeat. 

I don't expect anyone to read this or respond, but if you do, thank you.