( ALSO TW MENTION OF SELF HARMING BEHAVIORS/DISSOCIATION. ) 

i guess im just looking for some input and for other people to share their experiences with bpd, i was diagnosed at 16 but i also have complex ptsd and i cant tell if its co occurring or i just have one or the other. i dont present like alot of people do with bpd ( at least from what ive seen on tiktok LMFAO. ) 

i dont have the extreme short highs, and i dont split on people, ( idolize/devaluation ) as a defense mechanism, i dont have a god complex ever or grandiose, i split in a way but i dont hate the person or view them as evil, i just view them as "not safe" anymore and start to feel extreme self hatred and shame and detach from them emotionally. 

I get extremely attached to certain people, not everyone though. I fear rejection to the max. my mood swings will also be triggered by the people that im closest to if i feel rejected or abandoned, but i internalize this. 

i dont blow up on people, i mainly just hurt myself through my eating disorder or substance abuse, however this isnt always the case. i can be hostile but ill feel like complete shit afterwards. im kinda a push pull person. im mostly just dissociated and numb, and have extreme shame and negative view on myself, paranoia abt everyone hating me etc. 

i do have abandonment issues, ( surprise surprise LMAO. ) i keep people around even if its not the best idea, and ill keep quiet about something to keep the peace so they stick around etc, but this also really only happens with people im extremely close to, which is rare these days. i dont get attached to everyone, in fact im mostly distant with everyone else but two people maybe. 

my identity issues arent as severe as they used to be, ill be influenced by hairstyle or clothing but its generally all in the same category ( hoodies jeans etc. ) like who doesnt get influenced by that type of stuff. i dont change hobbies or anything or my views, sometimes my aesthetic slightly. 

my bpd was different when i was younger though, i used to see and hear things, cut myself and had way more extreme reactions to rejection and abandonment than i do now. i was still a quiet bpd back then but now i internalize even more, not showing people that im upset, etc. i used to split back then as well too. idk sometimes i always wonder if its just been cptsd this entire time or if i truly have a combination of both, not looking for anyone to diagnose me obviously, just honest input.