Back in high school I attempted suicide but had a good friend who stopped me and brought me happiness. Soon this happiness became love and we started a great romance together. For 4 years we were together but I mistreated her, failed to understand her emotions. I betrayed her in many different ways and I kept on making her feel worse and worse. I did many things that I thought I could keep her happy but none of them worked because of a breakdown in communication. I really did try I feel but I was too selfish and a pushover to do the things properly. Yet she was patient and still loved me for 4 years. I must have took those feelings for granted but I really did love her. Inner me told me that I would live my life for her. I would not spend money on myself and would spend money on her. I struggled then to find a way to keep her happy so I just never said no to hanging out, watching movies together - I always just tried to make her happy. I went to the extent of going to her workplace every night to walk her home. I had nothing to live for personally, I just wanted her to be happy. 

Fast forward to November, my selfishness and my personal issues got up to her. She was done with me. I was shellshocked and I was so lost. I googled for ways to feel better and one of them included making dating accounts or something but as the days went by I realized that I didn't want to date anyone else. She had my heart, and I can't get it back but I lost hers. I told her that I would change and everything but I just was not able to commit out of fear she would see someone else. I saw stories of her with other men in parties or something on her timeline and that really made me cry. I wish I was her man. I failed her and I failed myself.

We eventually met each other this January and then I realized what I really should be doing. I stopped everything else and really tried to fix myself. I actively applied my therapy and did something that I haven't done in the last 4 years - understanding her. Really trying to know how she felt and the mistakes I made so I can learn from them and really make sure I can treat her right in the future. I love her so much, this is what I want and starting in 2022 I will do things right. I really want to. I live for her. I know how to treat her right and really make her happy now. While trust and everything was broken, I wanted to lead and fix everything and then eventually go back to how things were, but better. And then just get married... be happy... and then eventually die in her arms. I would be ok with this life. This is what I really do want. 

A few days ago, she told me it is over. Remember those dating accounts that I made back in November? Well somehow her friend saw them even thought I deleted them end of December and then she told her. I was so confused how this was still around but given the trust and everything that was broken, no amount of words I said could save this. I thought we had something good going. I really felt we did. I thought I was improving, but the mistake of the recent past just ruined everything. I don't know anymore. I really did live for her. Now it is all gone. Next thing I know I am blocked. I spent 4 years free from depression because she was my light but now she is gone. I am back in darkness. 

I hate the way I look. I hate that I have so many personal issues. I hate that I have symptoms of antisocial disorder. I don't want anyone else to love me, I just want her. But she is no longer here. I know that since this breakup is fresh, I don't want to hurt her yet one last time, but I know as the months go on and as she forgets about me, I will die. I already know where I am going for my final few steps. I just don't know the time. 

 I experienced true love from someone I really did care about and I loved it. I would love to live through those years again but just do things right. I hate how I keep on messing things up; i failed her so much, but I really do love her. I know she doesn't see a future in me anymore, which resulted in this. Well I don't see a future with me in it either. A future in general.