I feel the deepest pit in my stomach as I'm typing this. For my entire life I've had very few conversations, causing me to constantly feel really confused. I've rarely had conversations with my family members. My parents didn't raise me with enough socialising. When I see old videos of me as an infant, I hear no interaction between me and my parents. No questions, nothing. I barely said anything in my early childhood. I was a mute child most of the time. I never asked questions to learn about the world. Never raised my hand in class.

This gave me pretty bad social anxiety because often times when someone says something that is remotely complex to me, I have no clue what they said, as if they were speaking a foreign language. My native tongue is English yet it feels almost entirely foreign at times. Pretty much every time someone speaks to me at even a moderate pace, it sounds to me like a jumble of noises. It terrifies me.

It makes me hopeless, often leading me to the thought of ending it all. It's the same with reading and TV too. I can't even read Diary of a Wimpy Kid, a kids book, without having to exert all my mental energy to understand what's going on. I have to reread every sentence about 5 times before it clicks. I wish I could just read something or hear something and instantly understand.

I just feel extremely confused all the time.

When I'm by myself and there are issues which need thinking about, I try to conjure up an argument in my head but I often can't find an answer because I end up feeling really confused.