I don’t typically write the way I feel anywhere others can read it but this kind of sadness isn’t one that I’ve felt before. I just moved to an entirely different state with my mom, my aunt and baby cousin. At first I was extremely excited but as time went on after the move, it felt as though there was a bundle of obstacles stacked upon each other and they all decided to fall on me at once.

I can go on and on about everything that’s happened since I’ve been here in this new to me state but that’s not necessarily why I’m here. I’m here because with every passing day I don’t understand the point of being alive. My life isn’t horrible, I’d even go as far to say that I’m very blessed and fortunate compared to others but I’m still extremely sad. I don’t have many friends. I have two that I talk to on a daily basis but I’ve met them online so I don’t hang out with them. Apart of me would like to think that I’m sad because I’m lonely but I’ve been alone the majority of my life so I don’t necessarily understand why it would affect me now. I’ve lost the motivation to do anything and everything. I apply to jobs, get hired to every job that I apply for and there’s no excitement or motivation for me to go after orientation day. I just bought a car and it sucked up ALL of my money and I don’t even care about my finances. I just don’t care about anything and lack all motivation to do anything at all. 

I force myself to do all of my hobbies even if there is no desire or interest to do them. I try to hang out with my mom  or look at TV and none of that helps. At this rate I’m just considering becoming a workaholic in hopes my life will turn around while working in my sorrow. I honestly wish I didn’t move. After typing this far I’ve come to the realization that I don’t even know why I’m sad anymore. Usually when I’m extremely sad I’m very prosperous and get a lot of things done, but this time this feels very different. I can deal with the emotional pain of getting played by a girl, or getting fired from a job, or losing a best friend, or even having car issues without the resources to fix it, but this sadness makes me want to become one with the bed and never wake up again. I just want it to stop. 

Im a car guy @ heart. That’s what keeps me going along with my mom. But honestly if I didn’t have either of the two, it seems as though it would be much easier to just stop existing. Thank you for taking the time to read this.