Hi, r/bpd 

As most of us probably feel, I am so so lost. I am at a weird crossroads right now that could totally impact my future depending on the decisions I make in the coming months. 

For the last 2.5 years I had been living with my boyfriend, but we are now doing long distance (long story) that is supposed to end in September. He starts an internship in California next month and will be there for the summer, and it is supposed to turn to a full time position. After which I am supposed to move out there with him.

Everything is up in the air though. Nothing is definite on his end or my end. 

In the meantime, I moved back home to try and get on my feet and solidify a sense of independence. I graduated from college two years ago with a useless degree, and have only worked at Starbucks and other coffee shops since then. I actually have a great resume with training, leadership, and some management experience, and recruiters actually reach out to me fairly often about positions. 

The thing is, I keep feeling like I'm not ready to leave Starbucks and start a new career. Every time an opportunity comes up I get so excited at first, and then my confidence comes crashing down and I cancel the interviews. Or, I cancel because then I realize I'll be tied down to the job and won't be able to live with my boyfriend for at least another year. 

My lack of confidence, and inability to think for myself is causing me to keep running in circles. Agonizing over my next steps every day. The worst part is that since I just moved home, I don't have a set in stone therapist or psychiatrist right now so I am not in active treatment. 

Part of me feels like I am just waiting for September to get here so that I can go to California and THEN go on with the job search, but my boyfriend doesn't know that his internship will definitely turn full time. He might have to start from square one and move back with his parents in September instead to start a new job hunt if things don't work out. Meaning we would be apart for longer anyway. 

He is fiercely independent and makes his decisions based on what he wants, but I am dependent on him and make all my decisions with him at the forefront of my mind. We love each other very much, but are complete opposites. 
He wants me to think of only myself, take risks, and do what I have to do. He wants me to focus on only myself, and I don't know how to do it. 

Have any of you been able to overcome reframing your minds to focus on yourself without your significant other being an important part? Or have any of you been in a similar spot and have any advice?