I just need to vent. This happened a couple hours ago, and the emotions are just coming in. 

Yesterday, I had an argument with my friends group about D&amp;D, and whether someone should join. Anyway, it escalated and ended up with someone leaving, as well as my fp snapping and blaming himself. 

After the argument, I've been avoiding everyone from the group. I've muted the chats (leaving would have been too obvious) and blanked others completely. I spoke with my fp and I said how I felt like we needed to stop talking to each other (we've been friends for four years at this point and we're extremely close. This is the first major argument, really). He ~~does~~ did so much for me and was always there but I never did any of that and reaped it all in and was a bad friend and it makes me hurt so much because I care about him but I can't talk to him anymore because it doesn't feel right 

I want to talk to him but I don't feel ready and it's scaring me so much. I can't lose him but I have to. It's the only way. I have other friends outside of that group, but they're not as good as him. I know that I should apologise as he is known that he can't lose me but he hasn't met the criteria yet for me to rethink about it and I don't even know what the criteria is but it annoys me so much. 

Basically, I've lost my fp and I feel worthless and I judt want him and his hugs but I only got to see him once a month physically and he doesn't always want hugs and I judt want for him to take care of me and I just wish that I was a better person for him instead of the abysmal person I am who can't even respect anyone apparently 

I know that I should apologise but I can't yet and it all scares me and if you're reading this, I'm sorry.