This is a problem I’m gonna run into and I wasn’t sure where to ask for help. Basically I have a sense of what I need and want, but it’s extremely difficult for me to express my needs fully. I’ve never done that before. I don’t know how. But I want to go to that hospital and make sure that I get the help that I need. I want to be aggressive and stern about it. I need to communicate in a way that doesn’t allow for anybody to misunderstand me or gaslight me. I’m coming up with a list of things to say when I’m there, and when and if I am able to beat the anxiety and be present, I need to be sure I get my point across. I need them to take me seriously, and not allow them a chance to try and send me back home or dismiss my concerns. I know I’m fucked up, it’s honestly pretty obvious how fucked up I am, I legitimately need this help. I don’t want to give them a chance to misunderstand me and come up with their own narrative about the situation. I want to control the situation myself when I’m there. I need to be able to trust myself when a doctor tries to insinuate that what I’m doing is wrong and not let it destroy me.

What I’m expecting is that the trip to the hospital is already gonna be excruciating for me, and by the time I’m there I expect I’ll be a wreck. When I’m in that sort of anxiety and angst and fear I lose my sense of self, I shrivel up and I stop being able to do anything for myself. It’s a really fucked up feeling and I’m worried for myself when I get to the hospital. I will most certainly be in full on fight or flight or freeze mode, I’m doing all the things I’m uncomfortable doing and don’t yet know how to do. I don’t know what it’ll be like and I wanna plan for the worst. There’s a chance I may try to convince myself that what I’m doing is absolutely insane and I need to go back home immediately. I NEED something that will reinforce the confidence and peace of mind in me that what I’m doing is the first step to getting help and although I’m alone and in an alien environment, I’m in no danger whatsoever, and I have a chance to think for myself. 

Going to that hospital by myself at night is going to be the craziest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life, and it’s not even that crazy of a thing, my body just has no way to comprehend it. Maybe it’ll be the scaredest I’ve ever been. This is gonna be bad and I just want to know if there’s any way I can regulate myself enough to be able to feel present and alert and safe by the time I’m being helped, because I need to tell them as much as I can. 

I’m hoping that when I get there I can be admitted and given a week or something to calm down and start working with other people coming up with my next steps in an environment that isn’t home. Where I have complete autonomy. At least a week. My hope is that they’ll be able to transfer me somewhere longer, I don’t know. What I do know is that this is my like first step to what i want to do, and I’m gonna do whatever I can to make it so that I can function through this first step. I just wish I could know that on the other side of it I’ll have the rest and support I need.