I have had weird, sometimes unsafe, sexual encounters since I was 14. In a lot of ways, they are the only way to numb the pain and intensity I feel, all of the time. 

Before that, I'd let random dudes finger me behind the school my first year of high school. I cycled through boyfriends, relationships, and weird flings super quickly, at a crazy young age. I was easily the school slut. I lost my virginity when I was 15, to a guy I'd been dating for ten days. It was the first time I felt desirable and wanted. However, it led to a complete clash with my profound fear of abandonment when he decided he never wanted to see me again shortly after. 

It's been almost 9 years since this happened. I have since had more sexual partners than I can count, many of which I don't remember. A guy who was a few years older, he used to drive me to school, and always leering at me, told me he was impatiently waiting until I was 18. We had horrible sex in his car right around my 18th birthday. He was 22, and later offered to fly me from several states away to sleep with his girlfriend so he could watch. I was ready to do it, before he pulled the plug due to cold feet. I gave head away for free to anyone that asked in high school. My self esteem and self worth were hanging by a thread. Sometimes I'd have multiple partners per night, usually quite recklessly. It only worsened in college. Hell, I even had an OK cupid profile where old men would message me and offer to fly me to places. It helped my crippling self-esteem, but not much.

It's a miracle I didn't wind up pregnant or with an STI. 

I've been in a committed relationship with my FP for three years. At first, we had a lot of fantastic sex. It dwindled when we moved in together, eventually kind of halted. It turned into an awful deadbedroom situation, and my confidence was shattered. We have tried to work on this, he claims its a self esteem issue. I don't know how much faith I'll have it'll get better.

....Particularly due to the swinging situation. 

That's right, when things hit rock bottom I recommended a couple swap. It was reckless, and I knew I was having an episode at the time and went through with it anyway. I was not at all attracted to the husband, while he got to be with the gorgeous milf. I am still hurting, a year later, because I saw him get sexually aroused for the first time in ages and it was with someone else. It was a special form of torture for me, the sex with her went on forever. 

I told myself that night I wanted to jump off a tall building. The next day, I blew nearly $400 on clothes I didn't want or need. 

I realize I have a totally messed up relationship with sex. The DB with my boyfriend didn't help things, neither did a couple swap that was honestly shady and dangerous. Help?