Hi r/BPD. It is weird for me to be posting rather than lurking. I was diagnosed about two years ago and have been generally on the mend for the last year. I basically stopped impulsive spending (now working to stop binge-eating/restricting and weed) and have gotten much better at navigating my emotional extremes. When I started DBT a year ago it had been almost two years since I had worked on my PhD. Whenever I got the normal grad school doubts and anxieties my bpd exaggerated them and I'd veer wildly off course. I spent AN ENTIRE SUMMER depressed, practicing to do youtube makeup tutorials, instead of working on my dissertation. Last semester I progressed by leaps and bounds and am about to enter the last stages--provided I can revise and submit a single 25 page document. For whatever reason, despite all the work I've done in the last two years, this seems to be too much. Yesterday I was going to work on it before and after teaching class but instead I had a panic attack, canceled class, and got really stoned. I feel ashamed. I've worked so hard to get control of myself. My bpd is telling me to self-destruct and it feels like I want to. I've done enough dbt at this point to know I'm never going to feel 100% about anything. I'm going to feel anxious and depressed whether or not I finish this today. But I'm trying to convince myself I'll feel a little bit better if I ignore my bpd impulse to get stoned, stay in bed, and wait for them to revoke my funding. I know why I want to self-destruct--if my advisers reject me because I made myself a fuck-up it won't be because they think I'm a fuck-up--but it's still so hard to get up and live my life. 

&amp;#x200B;

Anyway, thanks for reading my ramble. Before I go back to lurking full-time I just want to thank everyone on this subreddit and BPDmemes. This place was so important to me in the early days of recovery. I'd never felt so understood, and I used a lot of spongebob memes to explain my mood swings to my boyfriend. Y'all are beautiful, loving people who deserve love. 