I’m a second year trans male in college, always been introverted, have a close knit group of friends. Two of those friend (let’s call them A and B), including the one who has been my roommate for the past two years, are going to New Zealand for spring semester in our third year. 
Due to being transgender and having a long past of not being accepted and experiencing emotional abuse around this, I’m extra wary about my living situation. A and B want to get an apartment with another friend, C, and myself. I know I can trust all of them, but A and B haven’t found anyone to take their place for spring semester.
I can’t handle more potential emotional (and potentially even worse) abuse from strangers who the university sticks in their place. 
Thus, I’ve been heavily considering telling them that I’m going to get a single room instead. When mentioned to C, they told me that I shouldn’t drop stuff like that on them, that they don’t have a backup plan, and had a panic attack, which they didn’t say was my fault but heavily implied that they believe it to be so.
I don’t know what to do anymore. The situation has driven me to considering self harming or worse, when I’ve been doing well the past few months for the first time in years (for context, I’ve been officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder and extreme general and social anxiety, self harmed in the past, and heavily considered attempting).
I’m just so lost and so anxious and I don’t know