so i just broke up with my girlfriend (i’m gonna call her m) who i’ve been dating for about a year and a half now, and i’m having many conflicting feelings. we’ve already broken up twice since quarantine started (both times i had been off my meds and was in a really bad place mentally) but this time i’ve been back on my meds for almost two months and i was actually able to rationalize this decision. i’ve never really brought up to my current therapist that i’ve been diagnosed with bpd by multiple doctors, and i never really talk about my relationship because it just always seemed silly. 
but now i’m starting to realize that i don’t really know how to deal with anything having to do with my bpd since the only other therapist i’ve had just let me talk about whatever i want. i’m starting to realize that m was just a sort of filler for the absolute loneliness that i used to experience everyday before i met her. i still loved her very very much, but when i met her i was preparing to move halfway across the country to a new high school. as i’m used to having moved many times growing up, i didn’t make a lot of friends and i’ve really depended on her to be that “friend” for me. 
now that we’ve broken up i’m still having really bad intrusive thoughts, which my meds usually help with a lot, but i kind of just wish i could have a complete and utter breakdown like i was having in october or just not feel the way my bpd makes me feel. i just feel exactly like i did before i met her. lonely, empty, sad, and worthless. 
but on the other hand it makes me wonder why we didn’t stay broken up the first time we broke up, or broke up sooner. she would always talk about or talk to her ex who she had been with on and off for two years. her ex still liked m and she knew this, she would also say a lot of nasty things about me despite having never met me, as well as saying things about m. i finally worked up the courage last december to tell m how all of it made me feel, and how i thought she still wasn’t over her. 
god i just think about every single time m told me something about their relationship or spent two hours on the phone with her ex and i would just cry for hours. there are so many other things having to do with her ex that were such red flags that i missed and other things that should’ve been signs to leave.
it really sucks because we really did love each other so much, and she really helped me grow a lot and gave me a reason to do so. but now it almost feels as if all of that was for no reason.
so all in all, i just feel really stupid. i kind of wish we had broken up sooner but i also wish that i could just stop feeling like this.