does anyone feel like you just alternate between feeling indifferent and then lapsing into immense guilt about being indifferent to your family/friends? or hate going out of your way to help them but at the same time it makes you feel good to know that you deserve them being nice to you in that instant? Idk if I'm making sense.  It's probably the greatest source of self hate in my life cause I know that my mum loves me but I don't really know if I love her or what loving a person really entails. I had a very isolated childhood and never had friends and as a result never had a chance to meet enough people to learn what friendship/love really means. Or maybe it's just bpd idk