First of all, forgive me for my mistakes, English is not my native language. I want to share my story because I am feeling low and suicidal and writing helps me. After a suicide attempt at the age of 19, I was diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety, but I have started to feel really depressed at the age of 14 more or less. At school (from elementary school to high school) I have experienced heavy bullying, mostly for my looks. I was called names, I was never invited, I was marginalized and verbally abused (they told me things such as "ugly", "disgusting", "you will never find a bf") and I didn't make friends. Actually , I never had a real friend. So I felt and I feel extremely lonely. Plus I have never had a bf. Unfortunately, they were right about my looks:I am ugly and extremely unattractive. No, I don't have body dysmorphia. I post photoshopped and filtered pics which don't show how bad I look like in real life. My face is ugly, my body too. Due to anorexia when I was 14, then bulimia and other eating disorders my body is flabby and saggy. My body looks like 60yo.
Other than depression and anxiety, I suffer from bulimia nervosa and self harm. Due to my mental illnesses, I didn't start university and I don't work right now. I live with my parents but they work all day long so I am extremely lonely. As I said I don't have friends or a partner. I post on degrading subreddits because I think that if I get used to abuse it will hurt less someday. I basically feel and I am unlovable, unwanted, unacceptable. I am ugly and disgusting. And worthless. Nobody wants me around. I havent been able to make a friends in years, I am really useless. And I will never experience love because of my looks. Whats the point on keeping living if I am so lonely and worthless? Loneliness hurts af. And I want this pain and this feeling of being marginalized by the world to end. That's why I am suicidal. I want to try again to kill myself because I see no light. I have a psychologist and I take medications but nothing seems to work. I am sorry for my english and for my vent.