For past background, I'm freshly homeless after arguing with my mom and moving out. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about why I am the way I am, and i feel so confused. 

I always thought I developed bpd because I spent my whole childhood with my mom, running from my moms abusive ex husband, moving in and out of his house constantly, only to be let down time and time again when he relapsed on drugs and we again had to leave. 

However thinking about it recently I also realized my mom used to hit me a lot (not usually hard enough to leave a bruise), drag me around by my hair, and spit in my face. I never thought this was abusive because I was a pretty shitty kid. I suffered ODD (which my mom belittled me for), and admittedly treated her horribly verbally speaking. I always figured between being stuck with an abusive husband, and a hard to handle kid, I deserved how my mom treated me which meant it wasn't abuse. If it wasn't abuse I can't be traumatized by it, and if I'm not traumatized then how she treated me couldn't have caused my bpd. 

I guess the point of my question is, is there ever a point where a child is so bad they *deserve* to be hit. If a child does *dessrve* to be hit, does that constitute abuse? Is it possible to be traumatized by something you deserved?