I work so fucking much and listen to much music, i meditate, smoke weed, try to drink in reasonable quantities, I have a loving girlfriend, I’m in a happy place, I can think about the future for the first time in my life, I feel like a person, but it literally feels like I am 1 step away from blowing up all the time. I have been dissociating more and more every day and it feels like I am slowly losing control of my emotions entirely. My parents keep pushing me in random fucking directions hoping I reconnect with them after they basically told me to fuck off for not living up to their expectations due to what I can only assume is undiagnosed brain damage bc who the fuck freaks out when somebody says innocuous shit like “hey u missed a spot” or “not quite, try this”. My brain keeps telling me that I’m going to fucking die, I keep gaslighting myself into thinking I’m okay only for reality to punch me in the gut and while my brain kicks my head into the pavement. I am so close to living in a body that I can love and I don’t have to post nudes and solicit attention from strangers to do it but I don’t know how to keep myself together and it’s starting to really make me wanna go back to where i was. My existence is a testament to my own strength but it feels like I have done nothing but weigh the people around me down and that if I were to be gone it would all be better. I know I can’t say that and should really seek help but I just don’t know how. Therapy is bullshit, I can’t get in anywhere on short notice without insurance and the shitty mom and pop i work at will never help me get any. I’ve been saving for a month with only a little impulsive spending involved, it’s been sporadic but I have been trying. I just can’t keep living like this it’s going to kill me