The little improvements, even weeks of peace and acting like an adult, seem to evaporate the longer I continue to speak to my sister and mom. It doesn’t happen instantly but the reminders who I was and how I made things difficult for everybody brings me right back to feeling just like that kid. So angry and shameful. Can’t decipher how much is directed at myself and them. Remembering who I was and what life was like, just the feeling of being completely and utterly alone in this world, through all those years, and then feeling dragged down there again, it makes me feel so hopeless and like the healing was a scam/my improvements was just a hoax and I’ll always be that kid. I want to never talk to them again and at the same time I couldn’t live peacefully knowing it’ll never be with them again. How do I keep them at a distance without pushing them away completely? Like how often should I be able to talk to them? I feel so suffocated.