Well, I mean I am. I don't come out because of my dad, I don't die for my family and friends, I don't tell my best friend about my suicidal thoughts because I know how upset and worried she would be. 

The one chance I had at living for myself I've basically rejected. I wanted to learn Mandarin and move to China for University. I was looking forward to it and started taking classes and everything. The one downside was being a trans man, and not being able to get testosterone (as of this moment at least). But then my best friend suggested we move in together once we both graduated. And I didn't want to turn her down.

I love her so much, more than I could ever love myself, and so I abandoned the idea of moving to China. It wasn't even her choice for me to do that, it was because she was someone I lived for wholly and I love so dearly I want to be around her. I'm willing to change my plans and my life for her. Always. 

A lot of the time, I do things for other people. Always. I get good grades so I don't disappoint my parents and teachers, I act fine for everyone so no one worries, I choose jobs that make the most money and that look impressive. The one time I looked into a career that would make me happy I changed it for others. 

I guess I care more about how they feel and think than what I want to do with my life.

Probably because to me, my life isn't worth much other than existing for others. 

Honestly, if I was left alone with no contact, I would have died a while ago. The only thing keeping me here is other people, and the thought of them mourning my loss and being so affected by it. I hate making people sad and that would be something I couldn't knowingly do.