I haven‘t felt symptom free in over a year. I feel like some things can’t be romanticized like if you watch a horror movie, it’s a little bit beyond my comfort zone and all that’s left afterwards is despair. This might be a strange anology but if you get your arm cut off, you think about the initial pain and wanting recovery and happiness...but you might underestimate how you have to spend the rest of your existence as a cripple. I talked to my psychiatrist today and he decided not to change my meds. I also brought up therapy with him in a voice message but he didn’t bring it up in today’s meeting. I feel paranoid of talking to people now so maybe this is for the best to wait. My BFF seemed to hint that my life might get better after she moves away in the Fall. That’s so far away and I feel like therapy might be the road out of this mess but it might just be the case where I have to accept things the way they are right now. My friend is moving to Vegas and it’ll feel empty once she’s gone. She enrolled in day treatment and might start any day now. My psychiatrist definitely wants me to deal with the psychosis but it keeps giving me impulses to start therapy. I really miss being normal but right now I feel agitated and unable to form clear thoughts. Sometimes I just want a boba and more energy… I feel completely in the dark as to what is going on in my personal and what’s on the news.