this has happened to me multiple times now. where an fp who cut ties with me tells everyone that i was "suicide baiting" them or that i only told them i'm suicidal for validation points or whatever. no, im just constantly fucking suicidal and i wish i wasnt, but no professional wants to help me, medication doesnt work, so is it so wrong of me to tell someone i love so that i don't feel so alone in my final hours? i guess it is, i guess the proper way to go about suffering is to suffer in silence so that you're not a burden to anyone else.

i'm so tired of being accused of faking my suicide attempts that i've taken pictures each time JUST IN CASE. i would never send something like that to someone out of the blue, but wouldn't hesitate if my accusers asked for "proof". i dont know what you're expecting of me anymore. do you want me to end up in the hospital, braindead and or paralyzed, to prove that i was serious? 

i get that its too much to hear someone you care about say that they want to take their life every day. but i am not a liar and i am not threatening anyone with my death. sometimes this feels like my only option, and when i become suicidal its like my consciousness leaves my body and im just on autopilot.

(ps, this post is not a suicide note in itself, ive at least made some progress pushing away the suicidal thoughts recently, but god i am just so mad, and tired, of being accused of being some evil master manipulator liar when suicidality is both a coping and defense mechanism for me, i am not an evil person, i am the result of years of trauma and being failed by mental health professionals.)