 

30M here, was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago, though I assumed I was living with this terrible friend for a while. I've been following therapy since.

I just spent my entire night scrolling through almost 8 years of FB Messenger, lost friends, breakup messages, fights with people I barely knew. All because I was afraid they would abandon me, and they did and I wanted to keep my pride back then and had nothing else to do than rage and insult them for rejecting me. We're talking about more than 100 situation like this.

Though I got into a "breakup" (with a friend) a week ago, and it was more soft than it usually is (I still got blocked everywhere and am still hurting very much and feel extremely guilty for what I did). Looking at all those conversation, of people that really I'm grateful I met but don't really matter to me anymore in the great scheme of thing. It made me realize, even if intimacy and relationship problems still arise today, the progress and awareness that has been made through the years. I'm so sorry I acted like that to all those people, that I missed so much potential connections and friendship through the years because I was so blind about the fact that my brain was dysfunctional. Now that I'm 30, I can't lie saying I'm so fucking lonely because of this fucking disease and I hope it'll get better from here and I can make real connections again. Life gave me great relationships opportunity and I blew most of them up. It's all my fault and I saw it right there.

That's it, I recommend doing it, if you feel like it. And if you're younger, act now, do not , I repeat, do not wait, if you're aware, seek help, now. As enlightening it was to do that, I still deeply regret it and where I'm now because of it. This has to be the last time, this can't happen ever again.