I don't know exactly when my boyfriend started hating me. 

We started dating about 5 years ago. I had a health issue about a year into our relationship and ended up on disability. It wasn't something I planned and it wasn't (isn't) something I'm proud of. I constantly asked him if it bothered him that I was making less money - and he'd get mad at me for repeatedly asking if he was upset or is something was wrong. I always maintained that the disability (SSDI) wasn't permanent - I just needed to get healthy again and COVID really impacted my timeline. Through all of those conversations, he said that it was fine and he understood. 

Despite that, we talked about and looked at houses to buy together. We talked about long term plans and getting married. It was something that was on the horizon, it was just a matter of when. 

Then, out of nowhere- about a month ago- he just stopped talking to me. Didn't say anything when he left in the morning or anything when he came home. After 2 weeks of this, he finally admitted he wasn't happy and was considering moving out. I asked him why and he said he didn't know. He said I was a good girlfriend and we'd spent so much time together and he didn't want to just throw it all away. Obviously, that terrifies me for multiple reasons. When I first went on disability - I asked if he'd be okay with it -meaning that he'd be paying a higher percentage of our bills and he said he'd be okay with it. I was making a little over $1000/month and he was making $4000-$4500 per month. 

To make it more even, I do all of the household chores/cleaning/laundry/cooking, shopping, and everything else around our home. I feel like he purposely makes it more difficult - example: he leaves clothes all over the house, spits all over our deck so that I have to scrub it off...throws his cigarettes all over the ground and deck... 

Weeks have passed and he still can't tell me why he's unhappy. To me - this is a major thing because we signed a lease under the impression that we'd be together - so if he leaves, I'm screwed. I took the first job I could get and am getting off disability (regardless of whether I'm actually ready to...). 

Some days he'll be friendly towards me. Other days he seems so angry and miserable. We've been together for quite awhile and I made so many decisions based off of us being together...I guess I'm just upset that I never knew there was an issue. If I did, my choices would've been completely different. 

I trusted him and I guess that was stupid. I guess I'm just struggling to cope because I'm going to lose everything - again. And it's my fault for trusting someone. 

I stupidly went on Facebook for 5 seconds. It hurts to see so many people finding someone to love them for who they are because it feels like everyone who I meet ends up hating me.