I have worked so damn hard to get myself in a good situation. I’ve held down a job for three years and I’m successful at which still amazes me. I’m in a good situation but my mind won’t let me be okay. I’m slipping into the mindset I was when I was at my worst. Back when I couldn’t keep it together and kept hurting myself. That led to a suicide attempt and I’m honestly worse now then I was then. Then my life was shit and I could justify not being okay but now I’m at what I think is the best case scenario. Well it was okay before I started slipping up. I have been able to not hurt myself despite how much I want to but I admitted I was suicidal to my only two friends and instead of helping me they called a welfare check on me and caused everyone to look at me like I’m fragile. Then they abandoned me and will not talk to me despite us all working together. They were always closer to each other because they are both women and I am a guy but they knew that they are or were my only friends. I still just can’t get over them leaving me. I kept trying to apologize but they have blocked me everywhere. I just want them back because they are the people who I care about most even though my family are good people and I should care about them more. I just want them to explain everything to me but they won’t and it’s making everything so much worse. This was the last thing I needed at this point in my life. I mean I’m struggling badly and then I get abandoned by the only people who I needed to help me. They are the only people I’ve opened up to and now I’m nothing to them. It just hurts me so much and I’m trying desperately for that not to be the thing that pushes me over the edge but it feels like it is the last straw. I have no idea who I am, what I’m doing, or where I’m supposed to be going and I’m just completely lost. I’ve been bad before but I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this this hopeless and scared. I just don’t know what to do and I’ve done all I can to get better. If anyone knows what I should do then please tell me. I can’t even trust my own decisions anymore. I need help but the only two people who I wanted to help me have abandoned me. I just don’t know anymore and that’s the only way I can explain where I’m at.