Hi everybody, I've been lurking in this community for a while and was finally diagnosed yesterday. I knew it was a big possibility but I avoided getting diagnosed for a long time until my doctor brought it up.

I also have OCD, CPTSD, DPDR, and bipolar disorder. I've always been crazy, but getting diagnosed with BPD has made me realize the deep flaws at the core of my being. I hurt people, I manipulate, I've been verbally and physically abusive, I've said and done awful things to good people. I convinced myself that I was always in the right and that others were to blame for my intense emotions. 

I love bomb people and make them feel like the best person in the world and show myself to them as this beautiful, generous, caring, interesting, loving person, knowing it's not really me but getting a rush out of seeing myself through their eyes. I love seeing my carefully curated self through others more than I care about the person I'm seeing myself through. I have done a lot of damage. All I want is to be loved but everytime someone tries to love me and care for me I do a complete 180 and can only feel disgusted by them. When people try to care for me I feel repulsed, love and affection make me want to crawl out of my skin, and feel like tearing myself apart.

I'm sick of being this way, I want to fall in love and love somebody and be loved in return but I don't know that I will ever be able to. I wish I could be the person that I show to others, but I know she's not real, I don't want to look at the real version of myself. I worry that I am too damaged to deserve these things that others have. I have seen so many hopeful stories on here, and maybe one day I'll feel it's possible for me, but I just don't know.