
Honestly I don’t even fucking know. I get so so sad and depressed and angry and “wild” feeling. I get so intensely suicidal I get dizzy. My pulse is hard and strong and I feel it in all my major “cutting targets” (wrists, inner elbows). I feel like screaming. I feel like shaking and falling to my knees. I’m starting to think my grip of reality is slipping I cannot imagine a scenario where that kind of emotional experience is rational or good. It feels like I’m spinning in circles, even though I am standing still. My gaze feels piercing and intense and my eyeballs feel like they are vibrating. I have to breathe heavily, and the breaths are shaky as well. I feel violent. I feel hostile. I cannot cry enough tears or distort my face any harder. I cannot heave enough. I get so intensely unbearably suicidal and cry so hard, yet I am full of electric energy. It feels like LSD started to peak. This energy is spent writhing in pain on the floor or bed (how emotional pain can make the physical body writhe, I don’t know), pacing, punching, head banging, cutting, or biting down really hard on my pillow and behaving as if I am a pitbull going at a persons throat. I feel threatening. It feels like so much happening up there at once.