I don't know why I am the way that I am. I think that every day. I think it in the morning when I perform my morning routine: get out of bed, go downstairs to the kitchen, put my earbuds in and play needed music, make my coffee and have a smoke and then start  breaking down for the day. Usually this involves me having a rage attach where I headbutt my head again the cupboards and slam things around, waking up my flatmates, both my FPs who I feel like I let down every single day. 

Sometimes I think it when my mood swings get the best of me and I isolate myself from them. I will be angry at them for letting me be alone when I clearly need people to love me when I can't love me, but I'll also be heartbroken for them because me is what they have gotten and I don't even want to deal with me.

That's usually when I will harm myself. I started doing this in high school, but then it was my depression. Don't get me wrong, I have never been a regular self-harmer. I don't like hurting myself. Everytime it happens, I promise it will be the last and everytime I let myself down.

I genuinely don't think I will ever stop this, as sporadic as it may be. Be it once a month, once a year, once a decade, I know I will never be strong enough to attain resistance to this wonderful feeling of relief. Because this is what it is. Relief from all this turmoil. Even for a second. When the fog has occupied my break and my darker self has taken over, all I can do is lay there helplessly, watching, praying to a god I have never believed in that I will not take it too far this time. Because I know I have it in me. I have felt it in my darkest moments, laying wide awake in bed in the middle of the night feeling this utter emptiness, this void in me that won't cease to exist, no matter how much I try to.

I don't want this to be the only way. I'm just so tired...