It occurred to me something I've known and thought before: when I've been manic in the past, I've felt like there was some elaborate ruse going on in which everyone is secretly all focused on me. As if my friends and or significant other are conspiring behind my back and ive never actually known them. As if my life is a movie, and everyone is a double agent working for the government to try and control me.

Even religion (for me) falls into this category. It makes it hard when those around me are bought into stupid conspiracies. They don't understand how unhealthy it is for my mind-for any mind, really. Even the religious people in my life can't understand how unhealthy the entire belief in a god is for me. I just can't do it. I can't stomach it. Maybe that's all trauma from my manic episodes. But I must stay rooted in reality. I must be in the present moment feeling reality, from my feet on the ground all the way through my body to my mind (which only trusts the here and now and truth).

I wish people would understand the danger of delusions. I mean it's way more obvious for me as someone with bipolar type one who has been manic to the point of losing touch with reality before multiple times. But I see people held back by religious or political beliefs that are just insane and not true. Even racism or antisemitism or abelism are all false beliefs rooted in nothing resembling sound mind. They're nearly literal delusions! No one is lessor than anyone else!

I digress. I guess it's just a sore spot for me. Sanity is my deepest goal. Also stability. These people without any experiences with mania/hypomania or being out of control of yourself due to losing one's handle on reality will never understand. They just don't get it. I roll my eyes inwardly sometimes at the insane shit ppl say or believe. And for what? Bcs they feel disenfranchised in some way and believing something insane makes them feel like they have a leg up? For fucks sake I hate it!! I fucking hate it!

I'm fine to do the extra hard work that any person with mental illness has to do to experience stability. I don't mind it, and I feel stronger for it. I'm more proud of a boring normal day than any person who takes it for granted ever will. It makes mundane life incredibly rewarding! I have more contentment just making it through the night and not waking up than most ever could, bcs I've had sleep taken away from me by my own brain. But I really wish people would realize how dangerous false information or even delusions can truly be. Science is real. The Earth isn't 6 thousand years old. And an evil ring of Hollywood actors *do fucking not control our gd lives*.

Reality is a hellofa drug, peeps. Science is my homeboy. And I just refuse to stop taking my meds. I'm never voluntarily fucking up my sanity again.