Throw away account. 

Not sure how to put this, it takes me forever to write anything...

Parents practically won the lotto. Ever since last year, I've been learning how to help our family better our lives. All the things "they" say you should do, we did. The knowledge and experience I gained solving impossibly challenging problems was certainly worth it. I did however, take the brunt of the emotional toll that type of "work" entails. 

I'm a male in my mid 20s. I want to be as vague as possible, but I have a degree and a job I dont want to lose. 

At first, moving out was the freedom a man dreams of. Covid really screwed things up bc I got side tracked. (I do that alot). I had roommates and "friends" who were incredibly toxic. Which resulted in exploring other side hustles. Not that I wasn't paid enough, but I liked being creative, and an excuse to avoid them. 

I realized how terrible people were. Quick to abuse and use you in every way possible. Best friends, turning on you even without them knowing about the above. Bosses pushing you towards a breaking point. Partners being ignorant. Etc.

Before long I realized I had a massive problem on my hands. Like high 7 figures type big. It was hush work. I did my 9-5 starting noon and ending at midnight. Telework allowed for it. Work being equally as demanding. 

Around this time my gf wanted to get serious. I couldn't just stop what I was doing. But it didn't stop her. I made time for her, and everything thing else, on time debt with my secret job. She was vaguely aware, but in limited scope. 

She's atypical. Intelligent, but not smart. Caring, but not for herself. Pretty, but on the inside. Several times she wanted to take "vacations" and do trips at the worst possible time. I couldn't live at home and i couldn't stay with her. The times i spent the night, I'd frantically wake up in the middle of the night and rush home, or stop mid sex because I realized how late it was and I needed to catch up on preparing for the next day.

I realized she understood the situation and just wanted to help, but it was a massive time sink that just ended in an argument on my part. I wasn't ready for a relationship. I wasn't ready to tell anyone, so I just had to pretend while crying myself to sleep from stress. 

It got to the point where I wish I could talk to someone. But I'm good with numbers, not words. Everyone felt like a threat including her. I started loosing track of my own finances, my work ethic, and my personal well-being. Worst of all, I bent over backwards for her, and she started taking it for granted. The dream became an expectation. I offered her a once in a lifetime opportunity to get us out of a miserable environment, but because I could no longer deal with her situation, not because I was ready to move in. 

Since we moved in together, I physically could not keep up with waving my hands making everything free and clean. With each day I felt like we're stepping on eachothers toes, and amplifying only negative emotions and habits. It's practically impossible to manage everything, but I do it anyway. I do my best to motivate her and show her the possibilities, but since it's always my idea, it's irrelevant. 

I got so overworked by physical, mental and emotional drama, I had neurological issues, and feel caged. Now I can't drive or be independent. Since I'm excellent at keeping to myself, I'm expected to propose. I'm expected to live by the book, be a magician, be a bank, maid and a dumpster for emotions. I took a week long vacation that ended with me blowing up at my parents and coming home to filth. 

Now she drives my car to work, pays with my credit cards, and doesn't care for a clean house. There are few people that know the truth, and even less know the scope, but how would you handle your boyfriend giving you $20k+ in a last ditch effort to save his sanity, only for him to actually loose it?