This is my first post ever to reddit (I did post the on another thread as well) and this is a throwaway account so friends and family don’t find this.  Sorry for the length.  

I have struggled most of my life with mental health disorders as a result of unresolved multiple childhood traumas.  My life growing up was a shit show but I managed to survive, move away, find a loving husband and settle into a more stable lifestyle with health insurance.  I was medicated (setraline), had some therapy, and was able to shove my trauma into a box to ignore.  This kept symptoms at bay for awhile however within the past 3 years I’ve been experiencing intense anxiety with panic attacks, depression and recently suicidal ideation.  

My husband and I moved across the state last year for his employment (mine is remote) and our state insurance (PA) stopped.  Moving felt like a way to ease my anxieties about living in a large city as I grew up in a rural area, ease expenses and maybe find new outlets, But our expenses have increased slightly and resources are now extremely limited.  I can’t afford my medication out of pocket so once we lost the insurance (a year ago) I tried to wean myself off but ended up stopping cold turkey.  

We moved to an extremely rural area and although being outside more, finding new hobbies and leaving the city (Philadelphia)  has helped some things it hasn’t given me enough relief to stop worrying about my future and whether or not one day I may follow through on negative thoughts.

I am at a loss for what my options are or how to receive help.  Because we are in a rural area I have not found any free clinics within an hour and a half and sliding scale therapists in the area are still more than we can afford with our budget.  We have cut out anything that isn’t free from our budget - no cable, basic internet, extremely basic grocery lists with no extras.  We have dates at home.  It’s exhausting to budget so closely and still be unable to get the help I need. 

My husband is the most patient man in the world: he has been so compassionate and understanding but this is a huge strain for him as well.  He’s constantly worried I might do something to harm myself and some days so am I.   I struggle with self harm and try not to use it as an option but some days it seems like the only thing I can do to stay sane.  Any suggestions that you may have to help him support himself or me through this process is greatly appreciated as well.  

I’ve tried cannabis (please no judgement small doses helped immensely) but as it’s not legal in PA I am unable to access it where we live now.  I eat well, exercise often, have a stable loving relationship, and feel like I’ve tried every self help option there is to no avail.  
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Thanks for your time and suggestions.  


Tldr: no insurance, suicidal ideation.  Looking for self help suggestions or ways to obtain professional help as well as resources for my worried spouse.