I got approved for disability back in 2019, and I've been living in an Assisted Living places since then while trying to save enough to move into my own place (I'm still bad at saving, and with debt I've managed to save nothing since I've moved in). I want to try and make an art portfolio and get a job in Graphic Design, where I got my Associates back in 2015, but I still haven't managed to make the portfolio at all and so I'm just living off of the SSA payments and sitting around the house. I'm on antidepressants that are working pretty well, but when I think about working at the jobs that will hire me with my current resume (retail and customer service, janitorial, etc), it comes back full force because those jobs made me feel awful. I mentioned this to my case worker, and she told me I don't have to rush back into working, I can take my time and make my portfolio while I'm on SSA, but the longer I'm on benefits without working the more I feel like a leech because I'm just getting money without doing anything. The other guys in my house are recovering from addiction and have schizophrenia in 2 cases, but since I just have depression and a mechanical heart valve I feel like from the outside I just look lazy and unmotivated. One of them even tried to refer me to someone that was hiring for janitorial jobs the other day, and the more I tried to explain why I wasn't working the more horrible I felt.

I just kind of don't know what I should do right now, because most of the actions I can take are making my depression come back up with negative thoughts again. It's either all the awful feelings I get from those jobs, the feelings of taking money I don't deserve for doing nothing, or this feeling that even if I make a portfolio it won't be good enough to get me hired anywhere and I shouldn't bother trying. Like I mentioned, my antidepressants generally worked before now; I don't go to therapy, and I've been described as "therapy resistant" because it tends to cause my symptoms to spike up whenever I've tried in the past. I just have days of doing nothing, days of productively drawing, then days like today of feeling like I'll just be stuck as a leech for the foreseeable future because I can't work normally and my one skill I'm only mediocre at.

Idk why I'm posting this. Looking for advice I guess? Not really sure