I'm 29 and genderfluid. I have severe depression  and suicidal ideation. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about dying. 

I've tried getting help in the past but nothing has been helpful more than short term. I was on medication, but we stopped being able to see our dr and he cut off our meds so I've been off them for a while. 

My biggest problem is that I don't feel too different from when I was on my meds, I just feel worse. 

Basically, I don't see a reason to get better other than for my partner and for my cats. They're the only reason I'm actually alive right now. I don't really want or have any other motivation. 

What I want is to WANT to get better. I think I need proper therapy, but idk how to go about that for if it costs anything where I live. If I have access, idk how or what to do. But at the same time -like I said- I don't really want to. 

I'm not actually lazy, if that makes sense. I just... Can't anymore... And I'm sick of people telling me I'm lazy. 

People tell me "itll get better, it always does" or "all you have to do is try". To be honest, I've lived my life with one of my philosophies being "you don't know until you try". But I don't WANT to try anymore. But I do??? 

I don't even know if thisll make sense to anyone... I just... I don't know...I'm at the end of my rope and it's been this way for so long... I'm considering just doing it because I feel like everyone I love will be better off, but then I think if how much it'll hurt them if I do it and I'm stuck.

I feel kind of... Trapped I guess... I don't really blame anyone but myself for feeling this way... I just don't see a point other than just getting through the day so I don't hurt anyone...


I should probably state that, as much as I'd like to, I'm not actually going to take that leap because it would just make things so much worse. 

I don't want any charity or anything. I guess I just needed to say this somehow, somewhere and get it out and off my chest. I'm not looking for anything, just venting I guess.

But if you did read this, thank you for your time. I hope you're at least having a wonderful day and I wish you love and light.