I had a horrible episode last night....I completely lost it. It was a terrible day and one thing after the other kept going wrong...and after every thing that occurred I just felt myself sink more and more into that bad place. I called my ex/best friend and asked him to come by as I was having an extremely difficult time. He told me he couldn't and I completely went into this rage mode of screaming and acting horribly towards him. I tried to deal with it on my own but started to feel self harm thoughts flooding in and called him again...he ended up coming but after basically me threatening him that I would never speak to him again if he wasn't there for me. He stayed with me and I fell asleep for about 2 hours but to awaken to an awful panic attack. It was so intense that I started to experience those body impulses to hurt myself again. I banged my head on the wall, just screamed and cried and lashed out at him. I felt so out of control and overwhelmed with hopelessness. In that moment I just wanted to die. I was upset because he was just staring at me like I was a monster. I told him to stop gawking at me and shoved him out of the bathroom (where this was all happening). We basically broke up months ago  because of these mood swings and episodes but now I feel like they've only intensified. I want to be with him again but I can't control these episodes. I can sometimes through medication (Clonazepam) but this one was far worse than others. I am just about to start a new med called Lamotrigine to try and control these so I can try to live a functional life. Anyone have experience with that, good or bad? 
Secondly, why do I go into threatening mode right away? Like that I'll never speak to him again..that I'll cut him out? Honestly if I lost him or his support I'd be at my lowest. He's the only person who knows this side of me and at least has tried to understand.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed....and truly do feel like a monster. Any thoughts? Please help..