Ever since i was born i was not even supposed to survive, some of my intestines where tied up and if i did not have major surgery i would've died, sometimes i wish nature just took it's course. Ever since i was young my father was very ill the majority of my life growing up, my mother was doing drugs so i had a step mother whom looked after my father. I also had a beautiful sister who was so kind but we will get to that later... Growing up i always had to visit my dad in hospital daily or either the paramedics was at our house, but my dads side of the family are all supportive and there for each other it felt like a good family, going to secondary school was a blast i was looking forward to the future everything was good. Then just after my 16th birthday leaving school i get a call saying my father was dead, i thought it wouldn't come but it did it was a shock but i thought i'd have my sister and step mother but a year or so after my fathers death my sister moved on to the hard drugs such as heroin and crack, all of the family stopped speaking to me i pretty much felt alone... After that i lived with my mother but she's emotionally dismissive and my mothers side of the are dysfunctional, I could say i slipped into a state of depression but wouldn't admit it due to being stubborn and thinking i'm a strong character... Two years after my fathers death my mother gets rushed into hospital and i have a doctor telling me my mother could die i'm barely 18 yet... Thankfully she survived and my cousin the only person who cared about me on my mothers side of the family got out of prison (He was not a bad guy just made bad choices in life) he saw i was in a chronic state of depression, i just sat in my bedroom for a good 8 years or so with no one, going from people who care to nothing... He got me out of that mindset and took me places checked up on me everyday when my mother got rushed to hospital (again) he was there everyday without hesitation. I reach about 23 life is not bad it was getting better me and my cousin had plans to go abroad something we desperately needed. But when things where looking up god looks at me and thinks 'Noo this guy's life's going good, we can't have that!' my cousin got murdered two years ago from mistaken identity he used to hang around with the wrong people and the past caught up to him and i miss him dear, i miss everyone dear i feel so alone in this world, i had a good heart growing up but passive decisions what's been out of my hand, has turned me cold to the core... Now at 26 i look at my old photos and think i was a happy kid until i turned 16 then my life flipped and kept flipping... I'm sorry for the rant but sometime's suicide plays my mind why should i carry on? my teeth hurt all the time also due to not brushing them growing up i thought 'well why brush them when i probably won't live to 30' but now sometime's i see a glimpse of light and want to get them fixed, but it's so much money it makes me depressed more than i am it really does... The only thing what keeps me going is there's people out there who's got it 10x worse than me... I'm not sure weather  i need to speak to someone or.. i don't know i'm a lost soul