I have never been the type of person to have a lot of friends or go to parties. I'm reserved and I'm an introvert (although if you get to know me I'm pretty loud and crazy lol). 

However I've always relied on certain people or family to be there for me or to hangout with. I have about three in real life friends, one from high school and then that persons sister/her boyfriend. 

Because they have really ill mothers and they take this pandemic extremely seriously (which is good) I haven't been able to see them. It's been months and it sucks because they were my only source of socialization when it came to my group age (in my 20s). 

Besides that...I usually hang out with my aunt or my dad/stepmom. My mom is a nurse so she's always working but then she moved out of our house to live with her boyfriend. For the most part I'm okay with it because we fought all of the time and I feel very free to do whatever I want in my house now. Also I don't get yelled at anymore so that's a plus lmao. 

However...I just realized HOW lonley I am. 

I don't hangout with my family as much anymore. I tried to so much in 2020 and I felt so unappreciated, not to mention a lot of dumb family drama stuff so I'm not in the mood to get hurt. And then like I said I don't see my friends anymore because of the pandemic. 

I spend most of my time either at work or by myself at my house. Work is work though...I mean I have a few laughs with my coworkers and I talk to customers but it's hollow because it's just a job. It's not like it actually impacts my outside social life because I'm not friends with any of my new coworkers yet. 

So since that doesn't count I literally have almost no form of socialization. I live with my brother but it's a little fucking odd ngl. He's ALWAYS in his room which again isn't the worst scenario because I like being alone but it's to the point where he will spend an entire day in his room. He loves video games I guess. 

As a result I end up spending the entire day alone...texting a few people here and there that I know from Twitter and that's it. I feel very scared and lost and alone all of the time. Internally....I just don't feel like a person anymore. I feel like I'm kinda of just living and existing. I wake up, then I go to work, then I come home and that's it. I'm stuck in my own thoughts and my own personal hell. Tbh I kinda hate myself...because I'm ALWAYS alone. 

Does anyone else experience this? I'm only 20 and I thought I would only start feeling this way when I moved out into my own apartment but then life happened so :/