My weekend SUCKED. I was obsessed with all the chores I had to do around the house and really struggled to find motivation to do anything. Instead of working on any of the three assignments I have, I sat and played video games/watched tv. 

Yesterday I decided I needed to sort things out, but it was HARD to get motivated and all I managed to do was write down like 3 sentences and read 2 pages of one journal article. 

TODAY I am bouncing off the walls. I've only had cereal to eat (it's 5pm). I've written out my entire essay plan and included references and connected all the dots to get writing my assignment, I've put on some washing, washed the windows (WHY, OLLIE?) and I'm struggling to work out what I want to eat - generally because it involves cooking and I have such limited choices and/or it will take too long and 'too much effort' to make something. 

I haven't really thought about the fact that I still need to empty the litter trays (that's usually a Monday job) and usually that kind of thing would be a point of frustration until it gets done but today I'm just like HAHA I WILL DO IT SOOOON. 

I've had my headphones on this morning, singing along to a playlist I'm in the middle of making that is specifically for upbeat, happy songs that I like to sing along to and maybe I've drunk too much coffee but this really isn't an isolated incident. 

All my life (I'm 33) it's been like this. When I used to work full-time I'd have a day off due to extreme depression, and then the next day I would go into work singing through the corridors and skipping along, happy as larry and I KNEW people were looking at me and questioning why I wasn't there the day before. (I worked in a school, and everyone would know if I was there or not due to the nature of my job as like an I.T technician/general support/admin help kind of person. Anyway, that's not really relevant.)

I've been on Venlafaxine for the last.... 3 years? Increased my dosage In October 2018 and then again in January I think. I've been in therapy for the best part of a year and that is going great but there this pervasive issue of 'balance' and I just don't think I'm ever going to get the hang of it or work out how to manage it. 

So...... yeah. idk. DAE feel the same way? Feel like they're just bouncing from one medication to the next/having their dosage increased every 6 months - a year? Struggle with implementing routine, or outright resisting it because it feels like it will inhibit you and squash your sense of doing things as and when you feel like (within reason) / whimsical nature / spontaneity? 

I was trying to save money/be conscious of food but screw it I'm getting pizza tonight. (I DESERVE IT RIGHT? Yay Impulse.)

Honestly, I'm just glad for a space to talk about this stuff.