female 21yo. i hooked up with a guy who i am pretty sure has bpd. and that sure was a perfect storm on account of me also having bpd. 

our first "date" (i had basically just invited him over to my apartment), everything moved very quickly. it was clear that neither of us had any boundaries, but it was also great because i felt so safe, validated and comfortable around him. the more we hung out the more i was amazed by all the things we had in common, i felt like we so clearly both liked each other a lot. he slept over and ended up leaving after being at mine for 24 hours.. we agreed to hang out again on the weekend.

he became very distant with me and kept cancelling on plans. i was trying not to overthink it and take it personally, but i couldn't not help but think about him everyday. i kept going back and forth to leaving things be then to having panic attacks that he just used me and never liked me.

over a month went by since i saw him and i began to think it was not just my cognitive distortions tricking me, but that perhaps he did not want to see me again. i resisted the urge to spill all my feelings and instead just simply asked if he still wanted to see me. he basically sent me a long text that reeled me back in and then he agreed to hang out again. this time he seemed a little withdrawn and i felt more desperate. on our "second date" he stayed over my house for three days. having him over just felt so right, i really thought that we would be together bc it seemed so obvious that things were so great. he end up dropping the fact that he was actually moving in two weeks (thus i wouldn't see him again). this was so triggering to me but i just avoided thinking about it and figured  before he left we would have a conversation about where things were headed. 

when he decided to leave it was very abrupt and he seemed so apathetic about it. he just called his uber.. it was literally the most brutal feeling of abandonment.

after he left i tried to play it cool, but after a month or so i blocked his number and his social media and sent him a texting over explaining my feelings and cutting him off.. he never acknowledged anything i said, flat out did not respond to me.

i have never been in a relationship (and only one intimate casual thing with a guy before all this)  bc of my fear of rejection/abandonment, as well as my fear of hurting someone.. so this really made me confront a lot of the aspects of bpd that i avoided ever realizing.

i am a high functioning individual with bpd, anxiety, depression and adhd and have had adopted many adaptive coping mechanisms to survive with this disorder (sports, academics, work and a really strong support system), however i definitely think that after this heartbreak and with quarantine and just graduating i have gotten rlly bad again. it brought up a lot my trauma and had made the day to day very difficult. I nearly failed out of a class bc i became depressed for so many weeks that i missed the midterm and the final. i also have been pushing away friends and completely cut one off very close friend of mine bc my self esteem really took a hit and i constantly feel like a burden to those around me.

i am still struggling to figure out how to move on. i keep feeling so stupid about it as if i overreacted or imagined everything was much more real than it was. 

its been 4 months and go in and out of completely forgetting  (by distraction, dissociation) about him to being paralyzed with anxiety over it. ideally we would still be talking.. or at least i could just stay on neutral terms with him.. but i feel as though it is too late for that after cutting him off and him not responding.