CW: brief mention of suicide

I'm so freaking confused about getting diagnosed with BPD. 

A bit of context. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 20 after a long psychological test in my third hospitalization. I was really depressed at the time, so they diagnosed me with depression and BPD. So I went to a DBT therapist. My therapist had a Ph. D., but he also pointed at the DSM in our first session and said he didn't believe in half of it. He said I definitely don't have BPD because I don't lash at at him. So I thought that was the end of it.

Until now. I'm 22 and had to switch therapists. I dissociated and disappeared for 9 hours, almost tried to kill myself, and got super paranoid that the fbi was after me. Next thing I know, inpatient. The doctor pulls out that old test I did, diagnoses me with BPD and depression. Bipolar has also been thrown around as a possible mood disorder. So now after a 2 month waiting list, I'm finally in an intensive DBT group.

My current therapist says I'm the chillest borderline he's ever met (he is just a regular therapist, not a dbt therapist). Turns out that my old psychiatrist, who I started seeing again, was suspecting borderline when I was as young as 19.

I'm just really confused. I feel like the symptoms describe my internal life. But I don't lash out in anger at other people. I lash out at myself or at them when no one is around. My riskiest behavior is impulsively spending 3 months rent on random shit, but not to the point of seriously hurting myself. I've self harmed off and on since middle school. Stuff like that. It almost feels like I have to "act out" for people to be sure about what I have so I can get proper treatment. Does anyone else relate to this at all?