This whole year has been hell for me. I started the year off in a relationship with the guy who I now realize was manipulative and toxic to me the entire time. He forced me and guilted me into sexual things, and took my virginity even though I wanted to wait till marriage. In February of this year, I finally realized what was happening because he outright forced me to have sex with him when I said no. 

Our break up and the trauma of the assault sent me into a spiral of depression that is worse than anything I have ever experienced. I have dealt with anxiety, insomnia, disordered eating, flashbacks, Fear of people for the first time in my life, and basically the worst mental health of my entire existence. He really fucked up my life and I hate his guts for it, but for the longest time I defended him because I didn’t want to ruin his life and because I really thought that he felt bad and would never do it again.

Well, while I was dealing with the trauma of all of this, I was in a car accident in March and totaled the car that I had driven for two years that belong to my dad. I was devastated, felt guilty, and a large part of me wished that I had died in the accident. Or at least gotten hurt enough to be able to step away from everything. I was overwhelmed by school, failing some classes, and basically drowning under the weight of it all. I wanted to die.

I finally got a new car, and things started to look up for me. Then I started to hear rumors and accounts from mutual friends of mine in my exes that he had said some questionable things regarding our relationship. Some things implying that I might be at fault partially, and some jokes made in public that implied that I was somehow toxic or at fault. In addition to this, I spoke to a close friend who had dated him right before I did and learned that he had tried to pull the same shit with her. This led me to the decision to go to the title nine office at my university.

Flashforward to about a week ago, when we finally resolved my case against my ex. I won’t go into too much detail, but he looked ROUGH. He said a lot of things about being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and about the grief he had gone through, and about how he had to heal and recover. I almost laughed at him. 

I have lived with so much anxiety, fear, insomnia, random health issues and stress over the past two or three months. I have cried myself to sleep so many times. I had to throw away my bedding and buy new sheets just so I could feel safe in my room. Also I could hear my ex talk about how badly our relationship hurt him too. At the end of the day he did end up admitting fault to everything, and I now have a no contact order against him but it still hurts. 

My life has been hell for the past several months. Financial stress, barely being able to pay rent, a horrible diet due to a lack of motivation to cook, etc. I have gained weight. I’m sick right now and I think it’s because I’ve worked myself into illness. I work three jobs to pay my rent and pay for school, but I have nothing saved for this next year and I have no idea what I’m going to do. I hate asking for help but I literally don’t know what to do. I can’t take this piece anymore. I used to say that I didn’t really want to kill myself, that it was just casual and never serious, but I’m not so sure now. I’m just so tired. Now for the past two days I’ve barely been able to stomach food, and it’s just not fucking fair. I just want to be happy. I feel like I deserve this much. To anyone who’s reading this, I don’t think I’m gonna do anything. I have so much to be thankful for. I recently came out as asexual, and I’m embracing that identity wholeheartedly. I have friends, a close family, and at least one job that I really do enjoy. But I need help. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stomach the thought of living another day like this.