I want to be happy for other people when they get married or pregnant. I try to really hard. I'm here in the corner of my basement by myself trying to be quiet while losing my fucking mind because my SIL just called to say she is pregnant ( she isn't really my SIL, I'm not married) I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. She has only known her now husband for less than 5. It not right to be jealous of people who are close to you. I'm fighting myself and it is not working. I want to calm down. I want to stop feeling jealously. Do I even want to be married, to have children? The way I fucking lose it everytime someone I know 'gets' one of these things would suggest I do. IT just causes my biggest secret melt downs when other people get these milestones in their lives. I feel like trash. I know I dont deserve these things,I'm not made for them. I tell myself this all the time. 

But I still lose my fucking mind everytime someone else gets to experience all that love and attention. Gets to experience a great milestone. I hate myself for this and my boyfriend doesnt deserve this. He is a good and sweet person. I just want to disappear.