I don't even know how to begin this, just want to get all of this off my chest. Just one. I'm 24 years old, I live alone and I don't have any real friends. The last 10-12 years have been wasted and I've only enjoyed moments of it.

Real friends were never a part of my life because I'm unable to keep contact to people, even though I like them. Video games and watching YouTube videos has always been the big thing in my life, but I hate it. 

Sitting here, day by day, is something I just don't want to do anymore. I can't even keep my apartment in order, can't even take care of my own body properly. All I eat is junk food and I absolutely hate it, just can't stop it. 

If I don't sit in front of a screen, I have nothing to do. I've tried to stop usage of screens for multiple times, because I think it's really damaging, to me at least. But there's constant judging, they (family, one „friend“ in particular) don't understand that mindless scrolling through apps and browsers is not something I enjoy, but I just do it because im addicted. When I try to play guitar, I get bored after 5 minutes and stop. Walk around aimlessly in my apartment, try to do something, but stop immediately because I can't concentrate. 

I have constant pain in my body due to not exercising at all and my very bad diet. It's amazing what the human body can endure, I probably shouldn't even be alive anymore but somehow I am. Feels like I'm unable to fix my diet because I always fall back I know that it's not good for me and that it doesn't help the situation, but I'm unable to stop and care for myself. 

All I do is wake up, watch videos, play games I don't really enjoy, check my phone 5000 times a day, eat junk food and masturbate. When I go outside, it's just to the grocery store or to visit my friend who I don't really see as a real friend, but he's the only one I can waste my time with. All we do is play games at his place, nothing else. But at least it gets me through the day. 

My depression significantly worsened over the last 5 years. Been to multiple therapists in over a decade, multiple clinics. Nothing ever worked out to help me and my thoughts, my fears. It just got worse over the years. 

 I've grown to believe that life isn't something everyone enjoys. Some people are just not „made“ for life, I don't think I'm made for this. Sometimes I feel like an alien, dropped into this world with problems no one can understand or grasp in any way. 

How do I keep going from this? What do I do? I feel like there's nothing that could help me anymore.

I can't really talk to people because of my anxiety. 

Clinic stays didn't help.

Medication didn't help.

I don't want to exist anymore.

I have no motivation to do anything at all. Even taking out the trash is a challenge.

I have no friends.

I live in a city where I don't know anyone at all. 

Why is life so miserable? I just want to say that I'm happy and really mean it. I just don't think that it's possible anymore. Wasted so many years, I just want to go back and relive my life the right way. But it never felt like it was in my control anyway. 

Where do I go from here?