I lost my closest friend over a stupid conversation through text. At first it started off as jokes, me and her were just joking around but at some point things got a bit heated and we both said some things that shouldn't have been said. Because of that she has blocked me on everything and I'm struggling to cope with that fact that I caused this.

All I want to do is say sorry to her face in person but I'm too scared to go over to her house. I wish I read the situation better and take a back step to realize something was wrong during our conversation. I fucked it up and I can't deal with these emotions.

I forgive her for everything she said to me through text but I don't think she'll forgive me. We both went too far but I could've chosen to keep my mouth shut and not insulting her thinking she'll take it as a joke. It wasn't a joke anymore and I lost my closest friend because of it.

I should've done better and I want to make it up to her somehow. I just feel so damn lonely, I have these intrusive thoughts, I have these terrible ideas in my head that won't stop bothering me, I forgive her but part of me really feels spiteful and wants to get her back. I'm honestly ashamed and sad that I can't control these thoughts even though I can never take action.

I know when I see her in person I'll only see the person that I consider my closest friend not the girl who tried to hurt me. Anytime I got mad at her for anything those feelings subside when I see her person, I know she's a wonderful person who's just trying her best. I wonder how she sees me... I hope this works it's self out somehow.

I can't imagine my life without her but deep down I'm probably dead to her. My heart feels so fucking heavy I have trouble breathing. I don't get tried when I run or to the gym but these feelings keep fucking up my mind I can't focus. I can't sleep knowing I could've prevented this.

I haven't dealt with these feelings since highschool, I didn't feel this amount of heartache since I broke up with my first girlfriend. This is different this was someone I genuinely thought was going to my friend forever and I fucked it up.

I don't have anyone else that I could call my friend, she was the only I consider my closest friend, my best friend, she knew my secrets, has been there for me at my lowest, shared the same interest and for years has been a really good to me. 

Me and her could've been at the arcade today or walking at some park but she gone. I want to cry but I can't. I want to turn to alcohol and drugs but I know cause more problems to others.

I don't know what to do, I miss her so much. Please forgive me.