hi! i've been struggling with clinical depression for almost two years now, undiagnosed probably for like 7. i guess i've been in a downward spiral most of my conscious life, but i've never been violent or purposefully hurtful to anyone close to me. right now i've started university and got in such a bad place that getting out of bed seems basically impossible again.

i'm, however, surrounded by (seemingly) intensely mentally stable people. i'm not even 20 yet and it feels like i have enough trauma to share with a couple of people. my friends are productive, not even on any meds, have ambitions and are able to plan ahead without even worrying whether they'll be mentally capable of living not a month but a day. 

i do love them as much as someone like me could but sometimes i want to hurt a person (not even someone specific but like.. someone)  just for them to know what it's like to be this way. so far i only hurt myself in various ways and can't imagine actually even getting in an argument let alone actually physically cause harm. but these thoughts are debilitating, like mental stability envy.

has anyone ever felt this way?