Long time lurker, first time poster here. Sort of at my wits end. I’m a 30 year old female detoxing from a 3 year turbulent (same sex) relationship. She’s deleted me from every source of social media and has all of her sites private’s. Yet, here I am a month later still regularly ‘creeping’ her. Ive watched as her instagram posts have been declining in numbers. I can’t tell what she’s been deleting as her accounts are all private but I can only imagine that its pictures of us. And every time I see the number of posts she has decline I am struck by that stinging heartbreak all over again.  On my good days I’m strong enough to refrain from checking but then when I inevitably cave I make up for lost time and do so more often and search deeper only to be heartbroken that much more. I feel like a fucking stocker but I just miss her so much. 
I’m afraid if I block and she tries to reach out she won’t be able to. 
Reading this post back to myself I sound absolutely absurd. I’ll probably end up deleting this out of embarrassment but right now I’m just so desperate for help or support. How do people with BPD overcome this feeling of total abandonment? I can’t take this anymore