I've reached out for help two times ever.  I've struggled in childhood, some of my teenage years, most of my 20s up to the point of just wanting to die by some chance.  First time I asked for help, the doctor gaslit the hell out of me.  Second time was with a family member and they just laughed.

The first time cemented in my mind that I'm just faking it.  That I can't trust myself.  I'm not worthy of being messed up.

The second time cemented to just never ask anyone close to me for help.  And to compound the issue I put on a really good show, I don't think anyone would believe me anyways.

I've been in bed for 3 days straight.  I thought I was done with all this but it's coming back, and this time I'm trying out all these communities but as I read all these posts I just keep coming back to it.  That I'm not allowed, can't be honest, can't ask for help.  I can't see a scenario where I go to someone and get anything but another complex from it.