I(20M) struggled with anxiety, depression and ocd my whole life.
I'm an introvert with a few friends. I Used to hate beeing in the crowd but i tried my best to change myself.
I'm in college now but i've been skipping classes lately.
I lost most of my friends, one of them was a toxic bastard that always made me hate myself and i finally decided to block him on everywhere. And with that i lost our mutual friends. And 2 of my best friends had a fight over some stupid stuff. So im really alone right now. My older brother and his bestfriend are the only people around me right now.
I've been in therapy for a year. I fought all of this crap. I told myself that i would overcome these things. I used antidepressants, went to the gym, therapy, i tried to like myself, i tried to be social, i tried to face my fears, and lastly i tried to make a girl like me. We were close friends for years. She was the reason i started to get better.
Last week she told me that she is seeing someone and has a crush on him (She knows that i love her, we saw eachother in person 4 times but we used to talk to eachother everyday) 
She lives in another city. When i found out about the other guy i jumped in my car and just drove to her city (it's a 4 hour drive) i dont know why i did that. Because what was i hoping for? 
For the first time i was alone in a city other than my hometown, but i wasn't scared. I went to a expensive shopping mall and bought myself some clothes. Something that i never did. I talked to people. I went and bought some flowers and called her. I knew i had to end it because seeing her with someone else was like living in hell.
But at the same time maybe a part of me thought that she would see that i would do anything for her and i dont know, maybe change her mind.
We had a really fun night. I held her hand the whole time but before i knew it was 12am and she had to go. I drove her to her apartment and started talking. I told her that i cant do this anymore and this is a goodbye.
We hugged and cried for 2 hours. I couldn't let her go. I still dont know what happend but somehow she was gone. That was the best and the worst day of my life. Seeing her made me feel relaxed. I wasn't anxious anymore. And letting her go was like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute.
I drove back to my city and went to my brother's friend's house. I've been smoking weed and using whatever pills i could find to calm me down. I've been sleeping a lot. I dont eat. I dont do anything really. I dont want to fight anymore, im tired. I dont want this life. I want to kill myself. Its the easy way out. You cant tell me i didn't tried. That i gave up too soon. I did everything.
And losing her was the last nail in the coffin.
I dont know why i said all these things to you. I told these stuff to lots of people and it didn't help.
Are you gonna tell me that it is going to get better? Well maybe. But i dont care.
This whole thing was me fighting with everything that i hated about myself, and being able to make her love me. I failed. I noticed that im not scared anymore. I just do things. I just go. I just jump in my car and drive. Where am i gonna stay? I dont know and i dont care. I couldn't do anything like this before.
I know that its not that big of a deal but... im gonna suicide
Thank you for reading this. sorry if my problems sound childish