Hi all.

I've rewritten this so many times and it keeps coming out long, MANY apologies if it's a total snoozefest, but I would love some advice considering my mind is clouded by sheer anger 24/7.

My boyfriend has 2 friends from childhood who, for my own reasons, I developed an intense hatred for. Now having BPD, somewhere in my mind I thought that perhaps my hatred was a bit irrational, but to my surprise, my hatred for them was justified by my boyfriend, but only after 1.5 years of hiding it from him and frequently almost sabotaging our entire relationship because he couldn't figure out where my instability was coming from and I couldn't bare to tell him that I hated his "close" friends.

To my shock though, he agreed that his "friends" have disgusting, toxic attitudes and even admitted they never really considered his well-being too often and only when it was convenient for them, which wasn't shocking to me, I could see them doing it all the time which is what started to make my blood boil. You don't fuck with my boyfriend. He then even admitted he doesn't even enjoy hanging out with them anymore as much as he used to.

However, he says he wants to stay in contact with them for sentimental reasons which I can't relate to, I dropped everyone out of my life that even looked at me funny no matter how long I've known them and I've forgotten all about them.

Soon though, he won't see them in real life anymore as he is moving in with me 3,000 miles away, however, he made it explicit that he wants to stay in contact with them through the internet by playing video games and doing regular online D&D sessions.

I don't know how I am able to handle that and I'm terrified our relationship is going to fall to shambles because of my obnoxious anger towards them. I literally have constant, obsessive thoughts about me brutally murdering them and it doesn't. go. away. EVER. In fact, through time, it gets worse. The scariest part is that I feel GOOD when I think about killing them, but I'm positive it's more the part where they disappear completely from earth than it is the actual act of killing. I have never otherwise had any desire to kill people, and especially not have obsessive thoughts over it every single day.

It's been almost 2 years and the fact that it's getting more intense rather than fading away concerns the shit out of me. I DON'T KNOW how to make these thoughts go away except to either kill his friends (obviously not going tod o that) or demand my boyfriend stop associating with them completely. I even went back to therapy after insisting to myself I would never go back because I was so desperate to get these thoughts out of my mind, but no matter what, they're always there because my boyfriend justified my anger, but still associates with them.

I don't know whether or not I should just say fuck it and tell my boyfriend the true extent of my anger. I am confident enough to say this isn't something my boyfriend would break up with me over, but it's definitely something that would put a lot of pressure on him, but he's dealt with my BPD bullshit for almost 2 years now with literally no intention of ever letting go (God bless him) so I'm wondering if this is a risk worth taking or if I just have to let myself suffer on the inside and HOPE that it fades away through time (even then, HOW LONG would I have to suffer with these thoughts?!)

I honest to God can't live inside my own mind anymore. I am literally angry all the time and I can't stop! I have contemplated so many times about breaking up with him just so I could get away from the sheer anger I have towards these people, but I obviously don't want to do that! 

As painful as it would be to him to hear that I literally can't stop thinking about murdering his friends, I wonder if that's what I need to do in order to bring peace to myself and maybe get him to realize that perhaps holding onto certain shitty people for sentimental reasons isn't always worth it. 

However, since I have been angry for literally almost 2 years straight, I don't know if this is just me being desperate. I don't know if it's possible to work with this raw anger despite trying therapy, getting back on meds, and just in general, trying really hard to work on my emotions because I promise there's no way I'm intentionally putting myself through this shitty ass suffering. I want to SO BADLY forget about these people and move on with my life, but every time I even THINK about my boyfriend (which is literally all the time), I always remember his shit friends that he still puts time and energy into despite telling me that he wholeheartedly agrees they're shitty and has even more recently started to pick apart their shitty friendship.

God bless you if you read this whole thing.

