I know before I even start that this is going to be long. I have a tendency to be over-detailed, and I'm really sorry. I also want to say that I was diagnosed with BPD a really long time ago, but I haven't had the money to be in treatment or medication for it in about 9 years. I've just done the best with managing my symptoms and triggers as best I can. Without a therapist, I don't have anyone that I feel like I can talk to about this shit, and I don't even know if it's going to help.

Two years ago, I met a guy on grindr. I was in a really bad place in my life, he was cute, and we met at my work after like 3 minutes of chatting, where we fooled around because why not risk losing your job, right? He lives an hour away, so I didn't really expect much out of it, but we talked for a while. We're both huge gamers, and we played some video games online for 5 or 6 months before really hanging out again. I hadn't let myself get attached to him, because I was able to keep telling myself that he was an internet friend and therefore not an option. So I never knew that while we were doing the video games for 5 or 6 months that he met a guy, and during that time got married. They're in an open marriage, but it's just sexually open. He fills me in on this, because he tells me that he's coming to town and wants to see me. I freaked out and bailed that time, but met with him the next time he came to town and we went to his friend's place for a small get-together that ended with he and I cudding on the couch at his friend's place and watching a movie. Long story short, I had an amazing night with him and his friends, which naturally means that I started to be really into him. We started talking more. He talks to me constantly, and does everything he can to help calm all of my insecurities. He's really good at calming me down when I get upset, and I've fallen in love with him. A man who is married. I've gone to their house and stayed the weekend with them. His husband and I got along well enough, but I let him know in advance that I was in no way into his husband, and that wouldn't go past us hanging out. It was a good weekend. His husband starts a lot of arguments, I noticed (which started my gear turning, maybe he'll get annoyed eventually and leave his husband and this will be easier) but that's neither here nor there. 

I want to stop here to say that from the start, I've not wanted him to leave his husband for me. Rationally, at least. He loves his husband, and I wouldn't ever want to take that away from him. I get really jealous of husband sometimes, but I've gotten really good at coping. Telling myself that I'm here because I want to be here. That jealousy is normal. I've managed to work myself into a position where husband isn't very triggering for me most of the time. 

So now. My roommate and I are moving. He's the closest thing I have ever had to family, and we've lived together for almost 10 years. He came to me one day and told me it was time to leave. He needs to get away from his family if he's ever going to deal with the abuse he dealt with as a child. I don't see not being with roommate as an option. I've lived in this city my entire life, and I have nothing here. No family, a job I've managed to hold for 5 years, but that I'll never advance in because everyone tells me I'm just too dramatic when I get emotional. I don't have many friends, because I've shoved them all away, and the ones that I do have are just the like-your-post-on-facebook kind, and one that I hang out with like 2 times a month to get stoned and mess around. I have nothing here except boyfriend (not technically boyfriend, but just for the sake of not having to use names), but boyfriend is married and an hour away. Boyfriend also still hasn't left his husband, so he must not care enough, right? But that's just the insecurity, the fear. At that point, I thought I had done a really good job of hiding the fact that I was desperately in love with him. He's my best friend, and it hasn't caused any problems yet, so why bother saying anything and risk messing up what we have?

So I'm moving. My roommate and I talked about it one night, and decided it was probably best for the both of us. When I told him, I heard his voice break when he said "Oh. Moving where?" When I told him to the other side of the country, I barely heard him say "that's really far away." I started crying and getting panicky, so I told him I couldn't talk on the phone for a while, but that I would text him (it's easier to get past my rejection fears if I don't have to say things out loud). I sent him a fucking novel, telling him that I needed to see him before I left as much as I could. Telling him that I don't have any reason to stay here. I ended it by telling him that I needed to see him soon, because I had some things I needed to tell him before I left, but they couldn't be said over the phone or on the internet. He told me that he'd be up here the day after tomorrow, and sure enough, he woke me up tapping on my bedroom window because he's perfect. We got in my bed and just laid there for a while without saying anything. I didn't know where I was going to start, or how I was going to tell him that I love him, because I just KNEW that he would tell me he's married, and maybe my moving is for the best, and then leave. I started shaking and crying really hard, he asked me what was wrong, and I told him I'm just scared that I'm never going to see him again. He was holding me from behind, and pushed me down flat on the bed, told me to look at him, and told me that he isn't going anywhere. That he loves me, and that he's loved me for a long time. So of course I shattered, and he held me while I sobbed for hours, reassuring me that he makes more than enough money to fly out to see me multiple times a year. Reassuring me that what we have was able to develop from mainly just talking all day every day on the internet, and there isn't any reason to expect that it wouldn't be able to stay that way.

Except that I'm crazy, and now that he's told me that he loves me, I feel that constant need to be reassured that it's true, and I'm scared that it's causing problems. He lives in Nashville, and he's in New Orleans on vacation since Thursday (coming home tomorrow). He's in my favorites list on Grindr, so I could see him online, and that he had updated his profile saying that he's visiting for the weekend. Great, he's going to be fucking people the whole time he's there. I've gotten more and more neurotic since Thursday, and he's had to call me several times to reassure me that yeah, he saw my message on facebook, but he didn't respond because he's busy with his friends. But if you're too busy to reply to my messages, why aren't you too busy to be on grindr? I'm talking not replying for two hours at a time, but never getting off grindr. So I know that I'm REAL fucked up right now, but I've started tracking his location on Grindr, and following him around the city, because I can't stop myself. We talked for a really long time last night. I've always tried to be very open about my BPD, only keeping from him the parts that I can't tell him about out of fear. I told him I didn't even know what I was doing anymore, and that I felt like I was heading for a full-blown psychotic episode. He just stayed calm and reassuring, and eventually calmed me down. We haven't really talked much about the open-ness of our relationship, because it's never been much of an issue. I got past most of my problems with husband, and boyfriend never really hooks up with anyone. So I told him that I felt like it was a conversation that I thought was long overdue. I told him that I, being technically just a friend, feel like I'm not in a position to be jealous that he's talking to other guys, so I try to keep it from him, but that I just can't deal with the neuroticism of wondering all day and spiraling out of control. I asked him if we could have a system where, if he said he was going to hang out with someone, and I was insecure and asked if they were going to hookup, and he would always tell me the truth. I told him I probably won't believe the truth every time, but that I think it would help. That kind of thing is very triggering for me, so I made sure he knows to NEVER just send a text that says he's doing it unless I ask. He let me know that he met a guy last night, he said the guy reminded him of me. Shy, cute, really nerdy, and they like the same video games. They talked the majority of the night, and he told me that they may hang out today. I haven't slept in almost two days, and I noticed that I've started doing the testing behaviors I /think/ subconsciously? I noticed that I've been setting him up to do things that are impossible, like "let's see if he messages me to tell me good morning before he gets on grindr," or, "let's see if he'll send me a text before he leaves for the bar," and when he doesn't meet that expectation (because rationally why would he be able to), I just go that much further down. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I told him that I've noticed the testing, and explained to him as best I can how it works. I don't know how to stop doing it though, so I'm just typing out a long message as soon as I notice that I'm doing it, explaining what it is, and what the outcome of him failing the test would mean to me. That's the only way I know how to deal with it, just tell him it's happening as it's happening, and reasons why it's happening. The issue is I don't know how well it's working. I don't know if the fact that I've sent him 5 long text messages in the last two hours is annoying him, because he's with his friends and is supposed to be having a good time on vacation. I keep telling him that I'm sorry that I keep bothering him while he's on vacation, and that I know husband is probably being a dick about him being on vacation without husband. He told me last night that he's loved me since before he met his husband, and that he wishes all the time that he had just had to courage to ask me to dinner to see how things would go. He told me that no matter how much shit husband is giving him for being on vacation, any problem that I'm having always comes first in his mind, even if it's something that isn't real, he told me that it matters to him.  Now I'm just waiting around for him to go hang out and play video games that he and i spend a lot of time playing together, with a guy that "reminds him of me." He said they may hook up, which I interpreted as they're definitely going to. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel like if he loves me, he wouldn't want to do our things with someone reminiscent of me, he would want to do them with me. If he loves me, he wouldn't want to hook up with some random twink that reminds him of me. 

This has been incredibly long, and I could definitely keep going, but I'm already doubting anyone is going to read this massive fucking wall of text. It probably doesn't even make much sense in some places. My mind is racing too fast for me to go through and reread it, so I hope it at least makes sense.