Tl;dr:  Manipulation has nothing to do with conscious intent.  Manipulation is hard to stop doing.  I talk a lot.

This is gonna be a long one, even for me. But I've been seeing the subject of manipulation come up more and more lately, and it's one of the core issues I spent most of my teenage years struggling with. There's a lot that hits home with me, and at the same time a lot of pain and frustration I see in others being accused of manipulation and thus feeling invalidated. So, since I have nothing better to do here at work, and thus have the time and boredom, I figured I'd put some of my thoughts out there.

First off, on some level ALL social interaction is manipulation. We act one way so someone responds in a way we expect. If I introduce myself and shake your hand, I'm expecting you to shake my hand and give me your name as well. There's a whole lot of subtext: I'm hoping you'll like me, I hope we have a pleasant exchange for whatever reason we're meeting, etc. 

There's even more subtext that goes into things which I (and you) may or may not be conscious of. It's there whether we mean it to be or not. There is no "good" or "bad" associated with most of this, but it's all manipulation. If I act a certain way and you benefit from the transaction, it's probably a socially acceptable manipulation, if I benefit to your detriment, it's probably going to be viewed negatively. But it's all still manipulation.

So to explain where I'm going, I'm going to have to talk about myself a bit (big surprise, right?) If you want to skip ahead, I'll put some sort of marker (search for HI AGAIN) in all caps). But to me context is king, and I can't speak about my ideas and what's helped me without getting into what I am.

Wow... Where to start with all this. Back in my younger days, I spent an inordinate amount of time learning about other people. I had no sense of self, and so I'd try to learn what made other people tick, so I could emulate them and maybe be a real person. Especially since I moved around so much, I never had any close friends, because I never knew when I'd have to move on. But I learned that I could find the most popular person in school, and get to know them better than the people who had known them for years. 

I belonged, because I knew more about them than anyone else. At least that was my logic. It doesn't make any sense, I know, but it was the whole of my existence for most of my childhood. Move, glom onto "the popular person" and become their most trusted confidant. Learn what made them tick, and thus vulnerable. If I knew their weakness, they couldn't hurt me, and if the most popular (socially powerful) person couldn't hurt me, then I must be safe.  

So I got good at reading people. I can articulate now what I was doing in terms of micro-gestures, NLP, etc. But when I was a kid I just called it stepping inside someone's head. I learned to understand and even predict actions. I learned to identify weakness, strength, apathy, desire, fear, acceptance, and all of the other things that make us tick. I can't count the number of times I'd have people explicitly say "how did you know that about me, I've never told ANYONE that" and things like that. Not to toot my own horn, but beep beep. I was good at learning what made people tick.

Well, all this was ultimately a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from harm. I saw how powerful my knowledge made me feel. Well, I'm not dumb. If knowledge gives me power, then presumably knowledge OF me would give someone else power over me. Thus began "the game."

In an effort to protect myself, I learned to hide myself. I'd adopt specific mannerisms that would indicate weaknesses I didn't actually have so if someone was intent on destroying me (because that's TOTALLY normal for a kid to worry about, right?), they'd attack the wrong area. I spent years trying to pretend to be dumb. I'd adopt a mask of confidence, so people wouldn't know how scared I was. I even learned to adopt false indicators of fear behind the mask of confidence, so that people would think they'd see behind the mask (and thus stop looking) so I could cover my real fears, and thus my real vulnerabilities. 

It all became a game for me. I never lied, because I knew enough about lying to know that there are an almost infinite number of tells that can give you away. But if I imply, then I'm not lying. And holy shit did I become the master of the implication, the unstated lie, the misdirection. I was a master of The Game.

I'm too embarrassed to even go into a lot of the specifics, because I'm just plain ashamed of so many of them now. I spent almost every waking minute afraid someone would see the real me, my core self, and would thus be able to reject and thus destroy me. At some point, I lost the me. I got so involved with the various manipulations, sub plots, counter intel, and The Game that I no longer knew where it stopped, and where I began.

When you play The Game, you learn to identify really quick the other people who play. I suspect The Game goes hand in hand with BPD, so I'd be surprised if none of the above sounds familiar to a lot of people here. You may not be as methodical as I was. It may not be as conscious, or deliberate. But I suspect more than a few of you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, when I was in group therapy, I ended up meeting up with another player. I'll identify him as M (M, if you're reading this, drop me a line, I'd love to catch up). We pretty quickly identified the other as players, and he was the first person I met that I considered as good as I was. I think the first real one on one conversation we had basically consisted of "I've seen you. You play the game. You're good" and we both knew immediately what the other was talking about. We had long and involved conversations, traded tips, and really upped each others skills.

And eventually I got good enough, that I saw what end game was. And it wasn't pretty. And so I decided for my own sanity, I needed to stop playing.  M and I had even more in depth conversations about how to stop playing, and eventually some things finally crystalized in my head.

HI AGAIN, welcome back.

tl;dr: I was good at manipulating people, but I decided that needed to stop. So what did I do?

So the problem with manipulation is if you're any good at it, it comes naturally, and almost without thinking. Which makes it damned hard to stop. Because the only counter to manipulating is to tell people what you're doing. Which becomes just another manipulation tactic. And it all becomes just a further expression of that same vicious cycle.

If you're manipulating people, then you never know how true they are to you. If you're hiding yourself then other people's acceptance of you doesn't matter, because they don't know the real you. If I get someone to do what I want, because "if they loved/liked me they'd do X" then part of me knows I've manipulated them into it, so I can no longer tell if they really do like me. 

Meanwhile, all of the objective data points to "they like me," but I don't feel validated, and I feel even worse because I know none of it will ever be enough. So then they need to do even more, which I'll make them do, and then dismiss because I just manipulated them into it... so yeah. A vicious cycle.

So what did I do? Well, initially I'd start just playing against myself. I'd start looking at myself as a separate person, and started plotting how I'd counter them if they did exactly what I was doing. Then I'd assume they did that, and looked at how I'd respond, and carried it all down the line. 

Eventually I'd get a point where I felt that the situation had played itself out, and I'd look at the results. If favorable, I'd pretend all that happened, and then I wouldn't need to engage with the other person. So I'd at least stop the expression that way.  If negative, I knew it would be a bad idea to do the thing, so I wouldn’t do it.

Ultimately though, I finally learned that manipulation was all about meeting my needs. So I'd use my various tricks to figure out what my real needs were. I could pick a fight with my significant other because I'd know that eventually things would come back around to a tearful expression of love, and I'd feel validated, at least a little bit. 

So why not just ask for that? 

Holy shit, the first time I did that was one of the scariest moments in my life. I'd spent so much time protecting myself that to lay myself bare, to say "I'm feeling pretty scared and vulnerable right now, can I have a hug" was like jumping off a bridge.

But you know what? I got my needs met. And without all the grand machinations I had previously engaged in. I learned to say "I am feeling unloved; can you tell me why you appreciate me? I know it sounds silly, but I could really use that right now." And I avoided the fight. The other person didn’t feel backed into the corner, I didn’t go all crazy, and everyone won.

I learned when I wanted something from someone to just ask. The closer the friend, the more direct and vulnerable the request (never one without the other for me, because the vulnerability was what was driving the request). 

Now, there's a fine line. I spoke earlier about the masks behind the mask, and that's the number one thing I learned to be careful of. If I had a deeper need than the one I was trying to meet, then I'd catch myself manipulating things to get that deeper need met. So what was intended to be an explicit request with an accompanying vulnerability, was actually just yet another manipulation. And that does me no good, because the REAL need doesn't get met.

But I digress. 

I see a lot of talk about how manipulative BPD people are. And, unfortunately, they're right. We don't mean to be, but we often are. I chose to embrace that aspect of myself, but I was doing it regardless. When I cut, it wasn't a conscious "oh, they're going to see this and act this way." But a lot of times, it was "Look what they've made me do." 

And that, to me is the hallmark of manipulation. I was involving others in decisions that I was claiming were all about me. If there were no others, if there was no exchange of energy/intent/whatever you want to call it, then why are they even in my head when I'm doing these things? So yes, the behavior was ultimately manipulative. It may not be meant to be manipulative, but it was.  I was trying to get others to accept blame/responsibility/whatever the only way I knew how.  By taking it out on myself.  “Look at what you made me do.”  

I wasn’t directly involving them in reality, but I was doing the emotional equivalent of sticking my tongue out at them behind their back.

But in my head I was still interacting with them.  I was powerless to do it directly, so I was using myself as a simulacrum for the fight I wanted to have with them.  It was still manipulation; I was just powerless to do the actual manipulations I wanted to.  So, whenever my acting out was noticed then all of the “play” would come out.  It was almost like baiting a trap in my mind.  I don’t want them to find out, but if they do, then this, that, the other will go through their head, and I’ll win…  But yeah, I’m getting pretty far afield at this point.

All this is by way of saying that manipulation has nothing to do with a conscious choice. I was manipulating people while I was alone in my bedroom.  I was manipulating people when I’d get people to think they knew the real me.  The list goes on and on.

I was trying to get my needs met, all through the only way I knew how.  I never lied, I never bluffed, I never thought I was doing anything “wrong.”  But I was still being manipulative early on.  I eventually learned to adopt it.  And even later I’ve learned to not do it.  But it’s still there.  	

The final thing that helped me stop the inappropriate manipulations was the realization that the impression of being manipulated is valid whether or not it was intended.  Someone is put in a situation where they have no choice but to respond a certain way, and that’s often not going to sit well with them.  

Even if I was acting with all of the altruistic intent in the world, if I was putting someone in a position where they had to respond in a specific way (due to social pressure/mores/guilt/fear/whatever), then I was manipulating them.  Even if I didn’t mean to, the manipulation was still there.  The value judgement of the person depended on a bunch of factors.  Whether they responded with a big hug and approval or a “oh jeez, not this shit again” was up in the air, but it was still manipulation.

So yeah.  In my experience people often resort to manipulation even if they don’t realize it.  I did, and chose to embrace it, and ultimately realized how damaging it is to relationships and even myself.  If I’m trying to figure out if I’m manipulating someone, I look at what the desired result is.  If it’s not explicitly what I’m asking for, then I’m probably being manipulative.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is still manipulation. 

