Quiet borderline here. Sooo I'm back in therapy after 6 years of being fairly functional. My relationships were not, but I poured myself into my work and was able to be independent. I got a new job where I wasn't required to physically and mentally exhaust myself 7 days a week and was single for the first time in 6 years. Long story short, the extra time brought out some very self destructive patterns as well as a situation resurfacing that I had very much repressed.

Before this I had worked through my sexual assaults and very toxic relationships and came to terms and was at peace. Now I'm dealing with basically my whole childhood I repressed and issues with my parents. Also started a new relationship and he treats me very well, but I'm a fucking mess after getting back into therapy. I know it gets harder before it gets better but it's getting REALLY hard. I have my own place and a good job and it's a struggle every day to stay focused and not cry at work. I've been spending money that I don't have left and right, actively avoiding any responsibilities, drinking in excess, and self harming again.

I'm scared I'm falling into a pit I won't be able to dig myself out of and I'm scared. I'm trying so hard to do what I need and not upset my loved ones with my irrational thoughts but I'm struggling so hard. I'm scared to get on meds because I can't afford to test out different cocktails until I find the right one. I'm already on the edge and one more thing will push me over. Idk the point of this post. I guess I just need some support.