For a lot of my life, I was varying degrees of passively or actively suicidal. I remembered suicidal thoughts well before 10 years and they persisted through about age 19. 

I am by no means recovered, but through a lot of hardwork, plus some other things, the suicidal thoughts dissipated and then pretty much disappeared. I told myself I'd suffer through anything if it meant sparing the few people in my life the pain of losing someone (even if I told myself they'd get over it, I couldn't tell myself they wouldn't be affected by it). 

Well, SI thoughts slowly started seeping in several months ago. I tried to address them healthy ways, using methods I've been taught in therapy. 

But they keep getting louder. Passing thoughts became more regular, unplanned turned into planning. It's back to daily now. 
I'm not worried I'm going to kill myself tonight or anything. 
It just feels like my willpower is waning.

I'm so tired.