I think some of this is feeling is caused by having a narcissistic mother and an ill alcoholic father, I never received a sense of comfort or security from my parents.

Today has been discouraging at work because it was pretty slow (causing me to have no sales, be in my head all day, have my metrics drop) and on top of that I feel nauseous and tired from a hangover because I’m stupid. But to the core of my being, I crave coddling so badly. All I want is to be held under warm blankets and endlessly held and stroked and made to feel secure. 

There’s something about BPD that makes you feel like you’re free falling on bad days. Almost like those babies that need to be wrapped tightly because they feel like they’re falling. I feel naked, directionless, alone. I just want to be wrapped up and feel grounded by someone and their affection. This is typically out of character for me but these episodes are horrid. Picturing myself going home to an empty apartment and an empty bed makes me want to cry, but also feigning for affection and the possibility of being rejected or made to feel like an attempt to make me feel better isn’t genuine or the person may feel annoyed makes me feel worse. 

I almost feel like I need a weighted blanket; like those who suffer from anxiety or autism find comfort in. Such a terrible feeling that causes us to seek company that is not always necessarily healthy, or being selfish in needing generous amounts affection that some may not be capable/comfortable offering. 

TL; DR I’m lonely and bitching.