I don't know where else to throw this. I just got out of therapy and I'm still spinning. Nobody listens and those who do I feel like I'm weighing down to a degree that I know i am objectively not. I can't help the feeling though. I need somewhere to put this and someone to listen.

I have trauma in my past; the origins of which are questionable, according to everyone else other than me. I have been habitually belittled as a means of conflict resolution; tasked with managing the emotions of a parent as early as four or five; been told that I have "no right to tell [a parent] how to parent when reporting things that are bringing direct harm to me and my siblings. It's been thrown back on our face and catastrophized routinely when it would happen; routinely cussed out and made to feel guilty about every silly little thing, like not cleaning up in the same way a particular parent would. 

 I've been told that I fabricate memories; that I've never voiced concerns when I did or tried to repeatedly; that I am " always making something out of nothing" that "nobody's perfect" that I'm "always looking to nitpick"  or that I've "never had it as bad as [my sibling] THEY were suicidal" when I'm relaying my internal experience of events that have happened to me and the very real impact events I've been through have had on me. Uncovering this is all somewhat recent. Some really nasty things have also been said to me when reporting growing suicidal ideation: "do a flip on the way down" stuff like that, or just brushing it off, as if I "just need to go to bed" to fix it. 

My mind feels like it's operating on such a closed loop, and my awareness of this phenomenon doesn't get rid of it. That overactive labeling feels so second nature and a part of me. A very basal survival thing up to this point in my life that makes sense, historically. There's a certain degree of objectification of disability, in my experience, that blocked a full formation of my sense of self. This was true in two respects that are clear at the moment:  "[anon] you're disabled. Let me do that for you, and overreach, suggesting that you have no right to your own mind. " And '[anon] youre crippled, and doing it wrong. Do it again untill you get it right. Be neat. It looks like you don't care. People have to fucking read this."  They're inverses.  Every choice I have ever made has been criticized to an actually crippling degree from both these perspectives at once; so much so that the only answer is to minimize myself and not check in with what I want.  everyone else must be right.  

I ultimately feel like a husk of a person  in a very real sense-- that's a bootleg of all the people around me. Everyone in different groups have such drastically different ideas of who I am, and not in the "you're different at work than you are at a dinner party" sort of way, but in a way that I deny myself anything to stick to because I've survived by mirroring my favorite people back to them, and cannibalizing myself in the process. 

Sorry for spelling grammar and sloppy formatting. Mobile and emotionally compromised right now.