[19M] I'll start with some context of my current situation. I live fully independent and alone in a student accommodate building where there's about 21 rooms on my side of the building with the majority of rooms occupied and they're loud as fuck. I work 12 hour night shifts doing site security alone at all times with no shift assignments whatsoever, not even quick patrols. This is every weekend 6pm-6am Friday to Monday and have been working here since last November, I also work a small part time job Monday to Thursday, which takes about 4 hours a day on average sitting in a taxi, chaperoning kids with learning difficulties to school which takes zero effort. I regularly smoke weed (some would argue too much), go to the gym often and love running, have a pretty good diet and I feel like I'm literally going mentally insane. None of my healthy habits are doing a thing it seems.

The reason I'm writing this is due to how mentally lost I feel, I'm in absolute DESPAIR. I have times where the only way to stop the feeling is to just sob my eyes out completely. Even at work. Both my job's aren't challenging WHATSOEVER which is making me feel as if I'm wasting myself away staying at them but I can't leave as they're the backbone to funding my existence. Feel like I'm on standby compared to everyone else, and that even though my circumstances are great I'm going nowhere. I have never had relationship with a woman and only really had 1 friend my whole life who was a girl. This eats me from the inside, and the rut I'm getting deeper into at the moment isn't helping this out at all. I've become way to idle and isolated, becoming distant from everyone, social skills declined drastically and almost feel like I'm fucking autistic, I do try and socialize when I have days off but it's making no change its the same people everytime it's making me feel like it's not worth even meeting them anymore, I've become stupid and dopey, have zero ambition and my mind never lingers to any areas other than negatives and in a state of ruminating constantly. 

My body clock is completely off, I have no routine and sometimes even lose track of which day it is, have a terrible sleep pattern, trying to sleep in the student accommodation is a nightmare especially working nights. I'm so bored at my security job that I even smoke there now to get through the shifts because all the things that I would usually use to occupy myself, I'm sick of them and these would be things I'd enjoy after finishing work so now I have, nothing. I feel  all these issues have over taken me and I'm terrified to pursue any other job because I seriously don't feel capable.  I'm becoming suicidal I seriously have no hope left I have no reason to live and am a disgrace of a lad I'm fucking tired, but tired from what? My job that requires no effort? Why do I feel like this? I'm making myself feel guilty about feeling down because in actuality my life's fucking great, problem free and calm. Who's going to want to date someone like this? I certainly wouldn't, I feel so UNGRATEFUL but aware of how grateful and lucky I really am. All that goes on in my brain is THC and negative thoughts. Nothing else. Issues that I've had overcome in the past are coming back again and even worse developing into other issues.

I feel cowardly and pathetic, imasucline and nobodys taking me seriously anymore. I don't even take myself seriously. How can I? I guess I need to go and find my fucking purpose yeah? What's that supposed to be ? An interest ? A hobby? Lets be real I couldn't name one person I know who's 'on their fucking purpose' but yet are living abundant lives. I feel I shouldn't be allowed to have these effortless jobs and when I see people actually working it makes me feel like shit and overwhelmed with guilt. 

I'm starting to realise there was a catch all along for acquiring these jobs, the expense of my mental health. I never knew loneliness could ever be such an issue as this, but I'm almost getting used to it and accepting it I'm too tapped in the head to make up for it on my days off because when they come round I just want to shy away and not been seen and would seriously struggle to make connections or maintain the ones I have left.

But if I'm losing my head living this life, how the fuck am I ever going to progress in life or maintain something worthwhile. Fragile little fucking boy