I graduated last year ago successfully and applied to university. I was the kind of student no teacher would ever worry about what she does in her future, because everyone was thinking I had it all figured out. I’ve dealt with depression since about 9 years, been to therapy, switched meds multiple times but nothing really worked out in the long run. At the end there was always depression hitting back on me. Last year I’ve been in a pretty dysfunctional relationship, which I got out of by the end of the summer, right before I started university in a foreign city. I moved there alone. I’ve studied 2 semesters and by now I’m to depressed to continue my studies. I have no friends at the campus or the city, I’m not good at university and don’t have a close contact to my friends in my hometown. 

Right now I’ve hit rock bottom. My life feels so hopelessness. I don’t know which career path to choose one day, don’t know what to study and don’t have any friends or social contacts. Currently I’m on a waiting list for psych ward. The only person caring about me is my mother. 

I just wish I had anything in life, that would not only make me feel something but that would make me happy in some way. I even miss my toxic ass bf because I’m so lonely and I loved him so much. At the beginning of the relationship I was so happy. 
Now I’m smoking a lot of weed, to escape my day, not knowing when my depression gets treated, or if I ever have a future or stability in my life. Daily thinking that I’d rather be dead than to continue this life in the future. I don’t really have an exact plan on suicide, but I’m so tired of living that I just wanna stop existing. That seems sometimes to be the only option left to choose. 

I just needed to write all of my thoughts down here. Because I don’t have anyone to talk with.