Last night I had this absolutely fucking killer idea for a play. A one person show that immortalizes one performance medium under the medium of another. I could see it in my mind. The stage, the lighting, the audience. I wanted to jump out of bed and start writing because it was just that perfect of a story. I was inspired and everything in me wanted to jump up and start seeing it through.

I used to stay up all night and write when I felt this way. I'd produce a 10 page play in a sitting. (Mind you, it was a first draft.) For the first time in since my manic episode, I finally felt the fiery, creative energy I hadn't felt in years prior to the episode. I had it. I wanted to stay up all night and write it.

But you can't do that when you're Bipolar.

Lack of sleep can trigger mania. This may have been the most powerful I felt since the episode, but that's what's dangerous. While in the past, I took for granted the idea that a creative spell would be self-contained to only that sitting, and that it wouldn't escalate past the creation of that thing directly. Now, in retrospect, any creative spell can lead to a spiraling, exponential growth of energy that endangers everyone around you. A creative spell could lead to further trauma, for you and the people you love.

I wanted to fight that depressive mindset that says "You're not allowed to feel happy in the same way you did 3 years ago," but I had to fight myself to stay in bed and not act on my impulses at the same time.

When writers are depicted in media, they're romanticized. The staying up all night in a stupendous fervor to capture the idea before it runs away, the fresh new candle light burning down to the end of the wick as we have multiple cuts of the writer in different positions at their desk. They're admired for this behavior. 

&amp;#x200B;

In reality, it's an unfortunate side effect of being creative, not a benchmark you should measure yourself against.

&amp;#x200B;

I stayed up until 3 AM, trying to make my brain slow down, and I don't even have a play to show for it.