I'll get into the details later on, sorry. So I'm 19(M) and I am almost 100% sure the reason for this is following: My whole adolescence was basically wasted.

Me and my parents switched cities when i was just 12 years old, and moved to a place where i didnt know anyone. Unfortunately i was never able to connect with anyone there.. It was a relatively small town with not that many kids, so me not managing to connect with anyone in the beggining made it hard for me to do so later on. I was also mildly bullied during the first 2 years, but mostly just completely ignored and left out. My daily routine for years was basically:

*Go to school and talk to no one &gt; go home and stay in your room until the next day. Weekends werent much more interesting either.* I really have no fond or even interesting memories of my adolescence.

As i got older i managed to make some pals and buds here and there but it never turned into serious friendships, and usually only lasted for a few months, because obviously i had no idea how to even make friends at that point. I was also kind of an ass :/

At age 17 i FINALLY started making friends, and 2 years later i have several good friends i trust, lots of pals and buds i see now and then, an actual group i can say i belong to and i tend to get along with most people i know. I still struggle socially but mostly on the inside, so it doesnt really show. I can say ive gotten out of that lonely place.

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But knowing that ive wasted my whole adolescence is really really really causing me immense pain and i think its caused me some severe issues. *I really hate myself.* Not in a superficial way, i think i look good and all that. Its also not that i hate my life or anything, my life is pretty ok nowadays. Growing up, becoming an adult and seeing myself physically change into a grownup just fills me with despair and self hatred. I feel like its just so unfair and plain tragic that im moving past being a kid, without having had the chance to experience being young.

It also manifests in other ways. Oftentimes when i see groups of teenagers hanging out outside i just get... depressed? It used to make me legit angry and jealous when i was younger but now it just saddens me because i never had that  when i was a teen.

I also tend to have some kinda weird moments, and this is what bothers me the most. It sometimes happens that i see some random teenager (either in real life, on TV, on the internet, etc) and *want* to be him. Its not someone in particular, it just comes and goes. But whenever i see that person i get filled with the most intense and unbearable self hate, for myself and for my body, and i feel like i just want to be (or at least look like) that person. It never develops into an obsession or anything because whenever it happens i tend to avoid seeing that person, but it still hurts so much. I really feel the need to mention that this isnt a romantic or sexual thing in any way at all, i just feel like i want to look like/be that person.

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Thats about it. I think the reason for all these feelings (and issues tbf) is because i cant deal with the fact that im becoming an adult and leaving my adolescence behind without having had a chance to experience it. I still only just turned 19 and i honestly look really young for my age, with most people assuming im like 16 or something, so all these feelings are more manageable because of this. But i honestly think as the years go by i will hate myself more and more until i wont be able to take it anymore.

Im not sure why i posted this, i just really needed to let it out and put it into words for once. Maybe someone relates or has some advice. Im not even sure how i should bring this up to any therapist.

Thanks a lot for reading.