I’ve had so many unsuccessful suicide attempts. It just reminds me that I can’t succeed at anything, so I fantasize about the ultimate suicide success. I don’t have access to a gun or it’d be over easily. Slitting my throat? Couldn’t go deep enough. Same with my wrists. 30 ambien? Just slept for a long time and felt like shit. I can’t afford to go to the psych ward and even if I did, I’d end up right back here eventually. Just wanting to die. I have an amazing family who loves me. But I feel like a huge burden. I don’t think people realize how close I am to just driving to a lake, taking a raft and a cinderblock out to the middle, tying it to my ankles and just drowning. Maybe taking all of my anxiety pills too so my breathing will be shallow and I’ll just pass out quickly. My fiancé has a son, and I’m constantly reminded that I would be a horrible mother. He deserves better. I could off myself now and save him from having a fucked up step-mom. I’m so dysfunctional it pisses me off. Anyway. Today is one of those days where I’m so close to heading off to a lake to drown myself. I’m sure I’ll fail, just like I do at everything else. But hey. It’s worth a shot.