Last weekend I got really drunk, already a mistake on my part. Her brother was actually listening to my bullshit and it was nice. We drank a bottle together and we chatted about some interesting stuff I never get to talk to anyone about.  While I had good relationship with my ex, it was already very strained, but she still loves me and I thought I still liked her too. We even kissed with my ex a few times while I was staying over and I thought we could rebuild what we had.

And then I go and fuck it up like this. I am still a virgin at 21 and not sexually active because it always makes me feel very suicidal afterwards.

I don't know, I guess I needed to vent, I already know I fucked up really bad and now we don't even talk anymore with my ex-girlfriend.

She could stay my friend when I used to do meth, when I said fuck you to everyone and then I go and fuck her brother. I feel like such a trash honestly. She was my only friend and I do this to her. 

I don't feel like I deserve to live. I feel like everyone on this sub is going to hate me for being like this and honestly I deserve it.