I have a long history of fucking things up. I can't seem to let myself be happy, and inevitably sabotage myself even when I don't intend to. Last night my SO and I were talking about Christmas gifts for each other after we went shopping for our kids. The subject of how much to spend came up, and he threw out a pretty big number for me...and I promptly freaked out. We're trying to pay down debt, and he was talking about spending over a thousand dollars (at least-he said 4 digits, didn't say how much exactly.) 

Turns out he was going to propose to me. And was trying to surprise me. And I went and fucked it all up. Now I'm not even sure if he'll want to propose at all someday. I'm tired of ruining everything. I just want to be happy.