I (29/f) was in a relationship with (33/m) for the last 2 1/2 years and it has ended this morning thru email after a three day silent treatment from him. I accept the responsibility of causing this relationship to end due to depression, inability to cope in healthy ways, lashing out, and my struggle with BPD. It was very heavy burden on him.

Basically in the email he told me I was a cancer to his life that needed to be removed. I knew that the relationship on its dying breathe since the last few months my symptoms have been getting worse. We weren't spending as much time together and we fought almost every week. He ended the email with "I don't love you anymore."

I tried to salvage it but I failed. I let my emotions get the best of me. I was shutting him out, lashing out on him for small things, and was a nightmare, as he put it. He decided I am not worth it anymore and ended it. I am not denying I did these things. I admit I hurt him immensely. I was extremely difficult to be with and I realize he has his own life and the right to be happy. I was making it hard for him to be happy. 

Initially, I have felt a sense of relief that we are no longer together. I often felt like I should break up with him to save him from my destruction, because he would be better off without me and I felt like I was ruining his life.  I expressed this to him once before. He assured me he would stick with me. It was a very intense relationship. I loved hard but I also felt every emotion times a thousand. Obviously he did not stay with me and I don't blame him. I'm just feeling so much pain when I think of how it wouldn't have been this way if I had only been in control of myself. Now I can't stop myself from checking his social media profiles (they're public). He keeps posting about how awesome his life is now and I feel like crap for putting him through so much.  There are times when I break down crying from the devastation of being abandoned.

I am mourning for the happy memories and times we had. Those memories are becoming distant and I feel so sad to be letting go of the person I made them with. I should also add that I have no intention of keeping contacting him. I  have blocked him from every site, as well as text and phone. I know we are over and there is zero chance of getting back together.

I want to spend the next few months rebuilding my self and going to therapy. My self esteem is in the toilet because I feel like I drove away the only person who I thought understood me. I try to go to the gym 5 days a week and my 3 closest friends have been supportive but I don't want my problems to weigh down on them too.

I wanted to vent and also ask for advice. How do you get over someone that doesn't love you anymore? How do I stop from reminiscing about the good times? How can I stop blaming myself for ruining what could possible be the best I can ever get? I also so hopeless right now, like no one could ever love me because of how I am, like I bound to ruin every relationship and that I am destined to be alone forever. Any advice is appreciated.

TLDR: LTR relationship ended today, mostly by fault by driving him away. I'm going NC and know there's no chance to fix it. How do I recover from this and feel like I am worthy of being loved?