I didn’t realise how bad I was until I spoke to many people who didn’t find doing the basic necessities to be the most tiring thing ever. They wanted to actually get out of bed and go outside. They didn’t think about offing themselves and going through all the possible ways they could do it. They didn’t feel like their own body was giving up on them even though you try so hard to keep it moving but it all seems pointless. They don’t violently shake and cry after a phone call or going into a shop by themselves. 

I’ve been struggling silently for years and there have been points where I was so scared that I would do something stupid to myself because the pain was overpowering. I would think I’m getting better only to spiral into an even worse state than last time. I don’t know why I thought this was normal but it’s become a very familiar feeling and sometimes it feels impossible to remember what it feels to be happy. 

I want to ask for help but every time I think about it I tell myself I’m dramatic and things will get better. I can’t be as bad as some other people right? I can’t waste a doctor’s time when they could be helping someone who is actually suffering. Right? My grades are great, I have friends, I have a roof over my head. Why am I not happy? I just want to be okay.