I’ve struggled with depression my entire life. For the most part it was something I dealt with on my own, it never stopped me from living life. Until May 2020.

In May of 2020, I was sexually assaulted and it broke me. I was angry (why did this happen to me?), felt guilty (maybe I wasn’t clear with my no’s), and struggled internally with the event. I lost myself in my personal grief. Forgot who I was, what made me happy. 

I finally reached out to my doctor and got put on anti-depressants, which is a huge step for me. Admitting I needed help that I couldn’t give myself. I counted it as a win. I was so very wrong.

I was unlucky; the meds I was prescribed didn’t work for me, but I didn’t realize it. I continued on my downward spiral, fighting and clawing with myself the entire way. I started having panic attacks, despite never having one before in my life. I became afraid of large groups of people where I felt outnumbered or didn’t have a route of escape. I felt empty, I felt hopeless. My family, friends, my husband, none of it seemed to matter anymore. Their love for me didn’t matter anymore and I nearly took my own life. I finally snapped out of it as I held the razor blade before me.

That moment broke me further. I had to take time off work, spent a lot of time talking with my doctors and people in the office to find out that I was having a negative reaction to my medication. 

They switched me to something else and over the course of the last two months I’ve felt…. Happy? I’ve started doing things I haven’t done since before my assault. I have (more) motivation to actually do things, to take care of myself. 

I find it utterly terrifying. 

It’s almost as if I don’t want to believe it. As if I’m doubting in myself. Like I’ve been down and broken for so long that I have no idea what to do now that I’m less like that. I’m afraid the meds will stop working, that I’ll just have another reaction. 

I feel like I’m walking a tightrope of happiness over a pit of depression and even the slightest movement will cause me to tumble and fall.