Does anyone remember a time in their life where they felt normal? Where they actually felt safe, content, alive? Sometimes I sit here and I want to dream about a better time. But there has never been a better time. I remember being in constant fear ever since I was a child. Constant fear of having to be alive another day. There's not a single phase in my life where things have ever felt, stable or okay. I don't think I've ever truly had a moment of relaxation in my entire life. My life has just been a series of unfortunate events. I was born half paralysed and blind till the age of 3, always felt rejected by my parents and peers, went through childhood emotional and physical abuse, divorce, poverty, living in a refuge, homelessness, anorexia, self-harm, substance abuse, overdose, hospitalisations, depression, anxiety, inpatient trauma, emotionally abusive relationships, forced pregnancy, abortion, rape, dropping out of uni, more abusive relationships, developing a chronic pain disorder, abandonment, homelessness again... Sometimes it just feels like it never ends. Pain never ends. I can't remember a moment in my life where I was truly happy to be alive. I know other people have things way worse, but I just feel like I've never had a moment in life to be able to heal, there's always been something else, I've never been able to take a second to breath. I just feel terrified to be alive another day.