To start I’m 26m and have know I’ve only known I’ve had this since 2020. I haven’t been happy in years, have more cigarette burns on me than relationships had. A couple weekends back I added 4 more due to the buildup of hurt over the last 6 months. Even when I try to put time and effort into myself I just get exhausted and think “what the hell is the point”. My family life is better than what it was and I know they love me, but I can’t say for certain that’ll be enough anymore, this illness makes it almost impossible for me to find anyone without self sabotaging it. Whether it be out of inaction or overreaction, I always fuck it up. I have friends where I live but they’re more “acquaintances” at this point. No real effort to see each other besides the occasional Overwatch game. I feel so numb most days from the emptiness I feel about my life. 
I just want to turn it all off so badly I want to scream, the long hours between work where I get to see people and home life are killing me.