and if i could feel anything at all amidst all this nothingness, the first thing i’d feel is how terrible it is to not feel 

- food tastes like solid air 
- cuddling my dog feels like a stuffed animal
- cutting doesn’t hurt 
- sleeping doesn’t equal feeling well-rested 
- the meds have no effect 
- my funny show doesn’t make me laugh
- my playlists are just noise 
- talking with my one person doesn’t make me smile 
- nothing is important to me 
- soft, hard, warm, cold … physical sensations are all the same 
- i want for nothing. nothing but to feel again


this depressive episode came up without warning as they usually do and i’m reminded that the worst parts of this illness are not so much the mean and disgusting things it tells me but the things it takes away - worth, hope, and the simple ability to feel.