i think this is it. this is the point where my anxiousness finally broke me and caused me to lose any will or motivation to do anything. i stopped attending classes. i stopped doing any schoolwork. i stopped doing literally everything that’s going to significantly affect my life in the long run. i used to just procrastinate and yet still get things done eventually because even though i’m anxious (or maybe i’m just lazy,, or both), i couldn’t actually bring myself to ruin my life completely by not turning in my requirements let alone not attend my classes. but this time, i just... broke. college application deadlines (the most-awaited, dreadful thing in my life) are getting nearer and i’m just so ~fucking~ scared of actually applying because i’m just so ~anxious~ of facing rejection and failure. i just literally can’t. i can’t bring myself to do anything and take actual steps because by not trying you can’t actually risk yourself for failing, right? but no, i’m actually also setting myself up for failure by not doing anything with my life. and now i’m in a constant loop of procrastinating because of being anxious and being anxious because i’m procrastinating excessively. 

i stopped turning in my schoolworks as well. i’m WAY past the deadlines and everything just keeps on piling up and piling up and piling up and so my anxiety is constantly piling up as well. others tell me to just take a break but i think i’m WAYYY past that point already because i’ve already taken too much “breaks” (as in i spent every day being anxious and doing nothing productive). 

anyway, we all know there’s only one way out and that is to do something. just something. but i just can’t. because i’m too scared and i don’t even effing know why. what’s making it worse is that i feel like my anxiousness isn’t valid enough because frankly, i already have it all- a comfortable life, loving and supportive parents, no financial problems... like everything. i got more than enough to make my dreams happen except that i have shitty grades caused by my constant feeling of anxiousness and grief (or, again, maybe i’m just extremely lazy and i’m just finding an excuse for me being irresponsible). and because of my shitty grades caused by my constant anxiety, i feel like i’ll never be good enough to go to a decent university (where i could have the opportunity of having a fresh new start and a clean slate). and i’m so scared because for some reason i just can’t handle the consequences of me giving in to my anxiety. 

sometimes, i feel selfish, even. because for a week i stopped attending classes and i know my mom is working so so hard to give me a comfortable life and a good education and i think ive thrown some of it away just because i’m “too scared”. and i don’t even know why i’m scared. idk why i’m scared of failing. sometimes i wish i had some sort of problem that would make my feelings more valid. but wishing that kind of thing would also be an insult to people who have it worse than me. so, i don’t know.

if you’ve gone this far, thank you for taking your time to read this and i’m sorry you had to read all that. it’s just that i don’t have anyone to vent this to and i thought that letting this all out would be somehow comforting for me. also, i’ve read nice things about the people in this sub so i hope my post finds the right people well. 

and to everyone who could relate somehow, i feel for you. i hope you’re able to find comfort during this trying time. you’re not alone and we will get through this. 

anyway, this is another day and hopefully i’d be able to push myself to do something. even if it’s just something small so that somehow i could get some sort of relief and reduce my worries and feelings of anxiousness. cheers