I (36m) have a really bad habit of going online searching for plane crashes, car crashes, death statistics, suicide blah blah blah, catastrophes, tsunami, 9/11 type everything I can find to fill a void of pain I feel inside. Anyone feel me?

Let’s just say that rabbit hole goes down even further and I’ve sought out very bad porn online. I started looking at illegal porn stuff (no idea how) when I was 7-10 years old in mid 90s and I’ve struggled with it for the last 20+ years. I’ve done very well with therapy, but between leaving a job recently and dealing with insane stress from family health issues and my own brain, it’s harder and harder to shut off my horrible past and constantly relive the stuff I have seen and experienced in my life. 

THAT stuff comes back in force when my stress blows up. I had a manic episode at work last week after a few coworkers decided to gang up on the new employee (me) and make him feel shitty about sucking at his job more than he already hates himself. This crazy asshole even runs to the bathroom now and again to masturbate to calm himself down from stress and intrusive thoughts.  I quit that job last week, was only a week or two from getting fired most likely...  

I am so sick of myself...

When I was much younger in junior high in 90s I’d  literally come home from school and I’ll be playing Star Wars JK on PC and alt-tab and I have all sorts of terrible illegal child pictures I’ll be viewing at the same time and I have so many memories that I wish I could just gouge my eyeballs and I feel so horrible about everything I’ve seen and that I never want to see ever again. Even after all this time my brain still wants me to feel horrible experience all that shit and I just don’t understand why stress makes me specifically look towards that stuff. 

I used to get bullied so badly in junior high and before in a lot of ways illegal shitty porn with kids my own age was all I had back then and I don’t know how I started but I definitely know that’s completely wrong I never touched a single soul and I’ve worked my entire life to make sure I could be the best person I can be to never hurt/touch somebody else. I have so much shame and guilt I’m just trying to rid myself of and I’m constantly trying to help myself and I talk to my wife and she understands completely about it this is not something I want to do actively and I’m trying so hard to shut my brain off and I take every kind of medicine there is and I smoke weed and I do all sorts of therapy and sometimes you just can’t shut off your sex switch. This shit has fucked my brain so badly everything is over sexualized, and it’s not like I’m hypersexual it’s just that like I’m sex obsessed sometimes. Ugh.

*sigh*