
Hey guys,

 so I have BPD and was diagnosed a few months ago. Before I was diagnosed I had no idea what was going on so I believed everything that was happening to me and had barely any control. I know I never cheated or flirted or had feelings or wants for anyone else, but I put my partner through living hell and it was definitely abusive because I told him stuff that was horrible because I believed it and didnt understand it. I eventually got help and have learned to understand a lot. I apologized profusely to him, and thought I changed. 

Side note: He was recently hit by a car right before I got help and suffers a severe TBI and although hes doing well I don’t know how well his memory or emotional control is. 

We’ve been fighting a lot lately , and I refused to be called delusional. So I tried to explain that we both have different views and perspectives and we need to come to a conclusion together. I once agreed that I was delusional, and regretted it. 

Out of fear I often say something because I think it’ll make him happy, or Im so far gone that its easier to do that because Im so confused.  I know I should just be honest about how I feel. I think Im scared of him not wanting me. 

He has bad anger issues and is quick to get really mean and snappy and I’ve never responded well to anger. 

Long story short is he doesn’t feel safety or trust in the relationship, he feels like Im always blaming him for everything and that Im making him look like the bad guy or that Im playing the victim or always making it about me and we never focus on him. It really isn’t ever my intention to do that, and I try so hard to take accountability for my actions and apologize. Sometimes I may explain what I think happened to someone and it may not be 100% accurate but its the way my brain perceived it, I always tell the person Im talking to about my issues and faults too. Except sometimes if Im in crisis and can’t focus on it. That being said if I don’t say something accurately I want him to tell me nicely and I want to hear his perspective so we can talk about it and come to a conclusion together.

He said he can’t talk to me because I get mad, but he hasn’t given me a chance to show him I won’t since he told me that. I brought that up to him and he said he has tried since then, but I genuinely feel like he hasnt.  I think what happens is I start by discussing something he did that upset me and out of defence he discusses his issues about me so I don’t take it well.

Our fight last night was about how he always comments on my outfits if you can see my boobs or bum. It started to make me feel really insecure, and he does it nicely but it still upsets me. I told him to tell me nicely because I didn’t want that showing when in reality I said that because I thought it’d make him happy. Im at fault for that, but is it fair to say he should’ve been receptive about me bringing that up? He immediately said because Im a model now that its okay for people to see my boobs and bum. And he got snappy really quick. Then said he doesn’t give a shit and I always get what I want anyways and its super one sided because he never gets anything. I feel like when I try to talk to him about how he’s made me feel, he gets mad and makes it about how I’ve made him feel.

I want to understand what I’ve done thats so horrible but I don’t feel like he’s communicated it to me in a way I can understand so Im lost and confused and scared trying To figure it out. When I bring up solutions he says its again about what he can do to help me. And I try to say no, its helping me help you. Because the other ways aren’t working.

I’ve tried to explain what I need with BPD, and I’ve tried to explain it in general, but he continuously holds the past against me and everything that happens against me. 

For example: I seek validation from others because im so insecure, I keep messages when people hit on me, I don’t re read them but the number makes me feel good. That made him really upset and although I tried to explain its a trauma response and I can’t just stop it but im trying to in therapy, he said he doesn’t know if theres anything else to do that will make him feel safe and secure. So me working on it isnt enough. He also said that its hard to move on from the past when its still happening, and this was an example of how it is. But in the past I used to kick and scream and cry and thought I had feelings for everyone and would share stuff like how I missed my ex’s big dick and all this really horrible stuff due to what was happening in my head. Its really not the same. I know I try to tell him stuff that happens to me, but I swear I don’t do that stuff anymore. I’ve apologized so much and worked on myself and got help, and said he doesn’t have to forgive me but if we have any chance at a future he needs to move on. Its hard for me to continuously be reminded of something I’ve forgiven myself for and tried to change and heal
From. But he thinks I haven’t change because I still have moments of BPD and live with the condition and he holds it against me even if I try to explain where it comes from and what happens.

I haven’t told him a lot that happens with BPD because It’ll just hurt him and I don’t think he’ll understand. I want to, but Im scared of getting yelled at again. I know I can blow things up and get emotional and I clearly have lots to work on but I need his help to have support and solutions when this stuff happens, I need to be able to understand what I do thats wrong. Im afraid that if I ask him to create a solution with me to help understand , he’ll just say Im making it about what he needs to do again. 

I also do this thing where I track everything that happens so I don’t feel crazy and he hates it, so I explained I’ll try to stop but its part of my OCD and its hard.

I talk to my friends because being alone trying to cope is hard, and I told me best friend im in an abusive relationship which makes me feel so much worse because maybe that isn’t true? I don’t know man. 

I know when Im emotional I blow things up unintentionally but I wish he could just see it for what it is and hold me and cuddle me and once things get calm we try to talk about how each other feels. I never wanted it to be all about my needs but it feels like he doesnt
Talk to me. 

I wish he could trust me enough when I say I never did or would cheat or flirt or have feelings or wants for anyone: and I wish that could he enough. But he said he doens’t know how to trust me when I have all this shit that I do because of my BPD and trauma. Even though Im working on it every day and communicating it. He also will say stuff like “I bet when you were at the photoshoot your brain had thoughts about flirting etc” and I can’t control that but I understand it and I’d never act on it. In the past I told him I would from fear and lack of help and knowledge but even explaining it all and apologizing didn’t work.

Side note: My trauma is bad. Im pretty sure I was raped as a kid by my dad and my mom is insane. I was in abusive relationships (pedophiles, narcissists, angry people, mean people) for 6+ years. This past year I lost My mother figure, my dad has 2 heart attacks and almost died, my mom got more crazy, my partner was hit by a car and suffered and tbi and the pandemic and my trauma surfaced. I dropped out of school.  I got really physically sick. And now because we faught, Im back living with my parents with no savings and no future and its horrible. 

Also, we moved in with his parents who drive me crazy and I think really influenced him. His step dad makes super not okay jokes that make me uncomfortable and now he started. His jokes offend me and I don’t feel like I can tell him or he’ll get mad. 

I don’t know what to do because I know I fucked up, but Im working on it and healing and growing and trying to communicate and I’ve apologized so much and it doens’t work. He feels like he has communicated but I really don’t feel like he has at least in a way that I’ve understood. 

I love him and I just want us to be okay. 


Any advice and feedback would really help.
Thanks for listening.