I'm at my wits end. So sunken and torn in a world of helplessness and addiction. I went to rehab this year for drinking and dropped out after only 12 days. I've spent a week in a psych hospital this year and almost killed myself so many times within the past half year. I literally lost my mind and gave up on my life this year. It all started when I confessed to my Girlfriend of 7 years that I had cheated on her. She forgave me and we went about life but the guilt of what I had done was so immense I knew that I had to turn my life around so I started going to church in an attempt to rectify my life but all that made me do was become obsessed and terrified of divinity, judgement, and damnation. I also stopped having sex with my girlfriend because we "weren't married" and I would just feel so guilty. After a year of that I pretty much just gave up the thought of god and religion and because a nihilistic alcoholic and just like that I started to spiral back down a path towards the same shitty person that I was when I had cheated on her. 

I think I'm Bisexual. I've always had a fantasy about having sex with another guy, but only sex and out of lust, no kissing, holding hands, being in a relationship, none of that, just hooking up. I've bought secret dildos behind my girlfriends back and use them once and then throw them away because of the guilt. It's something that I just can't seem to shake. Like the thrill of getting away with it and fueling that fantasy is the only thing in my life that I look forward too. I think I'm just an addict. If I can't have alcohol I turn to sex or other drugs. I just feel so trapped and swollen with guilt. I'm a shitty coward person and don't know what to do. It's gone so far that I cheated on her again. Not physically, but messaging someone on sniffies for dick pics and then deleting my account. I think I should just end this relationship or end myself. She deserves so much better. My life is such a fucking mess right now and nobody knows and I go about life as normal but inside I just want to die. What should I do??