Finally took the advice of my social worker and looked into private care vs the public dime. Everyone I talked to these last few months told me that I could get the help I needed quicker if I paid for it. My insurance covers about 4 sessions lol... 4 out of a 6-12 month program that runs twice a week. Math doesn't quite add up and I'm not rich by anyone's standards... But I called, I emailed and I inquired. Every single one waiting lists. Waiting lists. Waiting lists. Seems you can't buy the care you need these days either. Easier to bottle us up or medicate us into harmlessness. Let the "sane" people keep running things. What could anyone like us have to offer?

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Every minute feels like an hour, every hour a day and every day a week... you know. I don't have to explain it to you.

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What happens when you're too tired to fight the darkness anymore? What happens when the demons tear apart the last vestige of hope I hold to be free of this god damned curse? I feel like I opened Pandora's box myself. I reached inside and took a piece of horror and made it part of my soul... if we even have souls... If we do. Mine's damned. No amount of prayer, purging, penitence or even the friggin Pope himself could save this one. Pretty sure I asked for the peak inside. Like the movie Sinister, once you've seen, you cannot unsee lol

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Delusions? Maybe. I'm sure I'll go pop my prescription, try to close my eyes and sleep. I'll be tortured and tenderized. A perfect vessel for a wandering wraith... Sounds like a great book. Wish I could write the end. 