I hate being like this.

I can't afford healthcare because going to work makes me feel physically ill, I've been in the workforce for 8 years but I just can't do it anymore. I'm in constant mood swings, I can't focus, I move so slowly, my brain is always racing thinking about self harm or escaping via suicide.

The staff at kaiser danced around me for months waiting to get me to a therapist even after I told them I wasn't going to be able to afford my health insurance very soon.

This month I lose my apartment, I lose the health insurance, and I am most definitely losing my life.

I fucking hate myself and this condition, I hate my brain I hate my drugs and I just wish this was all over already.

Disability benefits will take months to kick in, and that's if they even accept my application.

There is no safety net for me to fall into? The wait list for section 8 housing is literally 6 years long for me. I won't be alive by then.

I don't know what to do anymore. It really feels like the world doesn't want me around anymore and is doing everything it can to kill me faster.

I just want someone to tell me everything will be alright, and be able to believe it. But the way I see it I'm completely fucked, I should have never started treatment on these fucking meds that have made keeping a job so damn hard. They keep telling me I'll find the "right" combinations eventually, but who is going to keep my home MINE during that time? Who will pay bills, who will feed my cat? 

Sacramento has done fuck all to help me stay afloat while battling this disability and Kaiser PErmanente has done fuck all as well. Please for the love of god I hope someone just drives a bus into my living room and fucking deletes me