just imagining going to work tomorrow is terrifying.  dissociation is my only resort, but im so sick of cowering behind emotional detachment.  i have these moments where im able to actually choose whether im going to be numb or not, and i always end up choosing the numbness eventually, and then it stays with me till the next time i can choose (which i can usually cause by staying up late--its a thing called wake therapy, but i dont have the second half down, coupling sleep deprivation with circadian rhythm resetting with bright light therapy)    


i dont know how to face myself when im literally embarassed by my existence