but honestly I feel like such a mess at this point. I feel hella empty and there’s nothing that can cheer me up at this point. I’m scared to talk to my boyfriend about it because when I told him I was diagnosed with BPD he just said “you don’t have borderline. Those doctors just want to put a stamp on you.”

And I’ve read through his text messages a long way back because I was super paranoid and I needed to know why he was mad. He texted “I just want a normal girlfriend” (before the diagnosis) and I can’t forget about it. 
That text really stops me from telling stuff like I miss my brother a hell lot atm (he lives in the US, I live in the Netherlands and he moved a couple of years back to live there with his wife. He also has a kid now since last October). 

I’ve seen my brother 2 times the past 4-5 years. It’s weird to see pictures of him because he’s getting so old. I can’t even go to him because I can’t save money. I can’t even hold a job for long. I feel so stupid and useless because of it. My parents can’t help me either, they are divorced and don’t have much money themselves. I’m really lucky my boyfriends’ parents took me in (about 2-3 years ago, I still live there), because neither of my parents are able to take care of me. My dad has a brain disease and my mom has a boyfriend right now. I used to live with her after the divorce but she basically pushed me away when she met that guy. She gave up our home to live with him and I seriously had nowhere to go.

It really makes me feel alone knowning that my family members all live far away and my boyfriend can’t always listen to my problems. It’s so stupid. I just want to reach my goals and live a happy normal life, but I get so emotional, overly sensitive and just mad about so many things. 

This weekend has also felt really useless because I have barely done anything. My bf also has been too busy with school to look after me. Things will probably get better, I have a tough week coming up and some time after that I’ll have summer vacation (where I’ll have to look for a job to save money and to spend time outside home, otherwise my bf’s mom won’t be happy with me). 

I have a lotta fun things planned but I doubt that they’ll give me happy feelings because I have so many things on my mind that keep me from doing my very best. 
I just wish I could talk to my brother face to face for advice and quality time, but right now I’m not sure if I’ll see him anytime soon. It could easily be another year or 2 of waiting to see him and that really upsets me. 

I just wish my mood would lighten up and I’d have the strenght to focus on getting a job, so I can fix my life for once. Maybe that will leave me satisfied for once. Sorry if this is a wall of text, had to leave it somewhere.