I know many of you have had very similar experiences so I needed to vent a bit to you guys. Sorry if I sound a bit weird or curt in how I write as I get a bit dissociative when I am stressed and just sort of stream of consciousness everything out. Anyways here goes.

I'm in the UK where NHS resources for mental health are at breaking point. I know this, I know my support workers/duty workers/key workers (there are so many different terms I don't even know who is who) have other people to deal with also and when they say they can't speak to me or they'll see me next time it's not because they hate me and are rejecting me but because they have lots of other people who need help. But I can't help but feel like I'm being treated slightly differently because of my diagnosis of BPD. I know many of us have issues with boundaries but generally I am now at the point where I have shut myself off and do not reach out at all. But when I do reach out I feel rejected.

Last Saturday I was admitted to A&amp;E after an episode of psychosis. I was physically violent towards people, had to be restrained, I remember NONE of it. I feel so guilty. My friend had to sit in the ambulance with me and in hospital with me and apparently I kept trying to hit her. I was out for a good while and by the time I had woken up she had gone home (I didn't even know she stayed with me in hospital, as I said, I remember nothing). I was on my own in the hospital, having lost my phone, no idea why I was there. A nurse came over when I woke up at about 2pm the next day and told me that I had said I wanted to kill myself and asked if I wanted to speak to the psychiatric team at the hospital. I said yes. I then went out for a cigarette and told the person behind the desk at the ward that I was just nipping out for a cigarette and I'd be back. Some guy comes up to me and snaps "actually, we're discharging you". I mean what the hell? I have just been told I'm a danger to myself and now you're discharging me?

The rest of the week is a blur. I go to my BPD group on Monday. I go to my other group on Wednesday. I had a bit of a breakdown and told my group leader about what had happened, about the psychosis etc. I think on Friday I was out somewhere and I told my friend I wanted to kill myself. He insisted on taking me to A&amp;E and after how I've been treated in A&amp;E I was all "hell no" and ran off. My friends called the police. Being chased down the street by the police is scary as shit. But they were more helpful. After some persuasion I went willingly and sat in the car with a support worker they called to come and talk to me. They said if I had ran off they would have had to section me. They took me to stay with my friend where I was safe.

I spent most of this weekend in bed. Due to the fact that I somehow don't seem to be able to function until 9pm most days I didnt get to sleep last night and I missed my last BPD group today. I was phoned by a support worker who told me to contact that team and explain that I'm sorry I missed the last session (we're expected to attend all of them or we don't get any more help) and I was told that they don't plan on having anything more to do with me, basically. I just feel like shit. I mean, I've gotten worse and worse, I've reached out for help and I just feel like it's being thrown back in my face.

I know that my feelings don't necessarily represent reality but I really just needed to write this down and get it out. Thanks if you read this. I know it's a bit of a jumble but yeah. Arghhhhhh. 

I'm moving house tomorrow and havent even started packing yet. My financial situation is in ruin, I can't focus at university, I can't work because of my anxiety, my impulsive behaviour is out of control. I just want to see a psychiatrist again who can reassess me and give me some medical evidence to submit because my symptoms have got a LOT LOT worse and I need this medical evidence to apply for financial help. I know I am difficult to deal with because I'm always in flux but I just wish people would understand.