So I know this group seems to frown upon the idea of undiagnosed people assuming they have BPD(I only assume this because of the announcement and sidebar). But ever since discovering BPD and really researching it I feel like.....this explains who I am for most my life(well at least since I was a teen). It brings me a sense of relief to know that I'm not a bad person or crazy and that there might actually be something going on inside my brain that I can't control(to an extent).  

Now that I think about it....I'm not really sure WHY I am posting. At first I was going to talk about how some days(very rare nowadays) I wake up and I'm actually happy. And despite the bad things going on around me I feel "normal" (not meaning that in an insulting way) and then I wonder "maybe I'm just making shit up in my head." Then the bad days hit and I just lose it. I don't understand how my wife loves me especially considering how fucked up I am. I've caused her so much shit in the 6 years we've been together. And those days.....I really feel fucking crazy.  
I feel so alone despite the fact that I know there are plenty of people out there like me(this sub proves it). For years I've wondered what is wrong with me.  

* emotionally hypersensitive  
* easily angered  
* disconnected from others  
* disconnected from myself  
* suicidal thoughts  
* self-harming actions  
* self-sabotaging  
* low self-worth  
* questionable identity  
* general anxiety  

That list BARELY touches on what is wrong with me.


Even now I still feel crazy. It makes me question everything I do and say. How do I really know I love my wife? How do I know its not bullshit? What if I get help and it turns out I'm just very dependent on her? What if this "special connection" we have is just all in my head?  

A possible BPD diagnosis in one way brings me a sense of relief....but on the otherhand it makes me afraid that everything in the past ~~6 years~~ my life has just been a lie.  

It also doesn't help that I am not even sure I can get diagnosed...simply because I don't know if we will have the funds to do it. Soon we will find out if my wife can get AFFORDABLE health insurance through work. And the local university has a Psychology Clinic(but we are also worried that even though we live below poverty level the sliding scale fee will still be too high for us to pay). So I might not even be able to get the help I need.  
There is so much I want to do with my life...I want to go back to school so I can get over this personal rut I've been in for the past 10 years and make something of myself. My wife says I am very smart and that I can do it.....but I have doubts that I can. HUGE doubts. How can I manage a full time student schedule when I can't even manage to take care of myself?  

I'm exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I feel defeated. I feel alone. I feel crazy. I feel scared. I feel empty. I feel overwhelmed.  

I've isolated myself from everyone, my parents, my brother, my friends(local and even out of state....old and new friends). I spend time with my wife and my long distance boyfriend, that's it. I stay at home. I rarely go out, even to the store. I can't stand being around people. Either because I'm paranoid that others are judging me or because I'm afraid of seeing old friends/church members and I just don't want to deal with the confrontations. I spend my days staring at my computer either watching shows, researching stuff(I've researched the hell out of BPD) or playing computer games. I avoid familiar faces simply because the question "How are you doing?" makes me want to scream at them how awful I feel inside, how trapped I feel.....and its just not okay to do that. No one but my wife knows how truly miserable I am inside my head. Even then....I don't tell her everything. Because I don't want to bring her down with me. She deserves so much better than me. Than what I can give her. And I tell her this.....and she stands by me and tells me no matter what she is always here, always loving me. Showing me that I deserve to be with her. That I deserve to be loved. And I try so hard to believe her but I don't. I have so many people in my life that "love" me....and yet they don't even really KNOW me. They don't know what I go through on a minute, hourly, daily basis. They don't know how much I hate myself. How much I wish I wasn't here. They don't know about the war I am in with myself.  

I'm sorry....for all of this. Its a lot of writing and if someone actually gets to this point I just want to thank you for your time. I'd say it helps to get it written out like this but at the same time, it doesn't. The thoughts, the feels....they are all still there. It doesn't lessen how much it hurts to be me. But surely.....there is someone that can sympathize. I just don't know anymore....about anything. And that's it. I'm done writing. Because in the end none of it really matters. So thank you, again, if you took the time to listen to me ramble. And I'm sorry for wasting it. Everyone's time is precious. (and yes....my wife does know about my long distance boyfriend and vice versa)