20m &amp; dealing with a lot on my mind. i want to try to see a psychiatrist and i know i need therapy, but i have no way to get any of that. my job doesn’t offer insurance until you’ve worked there a full year. most places around me are the exact same. 6 months to a year, and i don’t feel like i have the time to wait for that. i want to get medicated but right now my most affordable and fastest method would be microdosing psilocybin. i don’t know what to do.

to go a little further with this- ive lived through 10-12 years of a mentally ill mother due to brain surgeries &amp; cancer, constantly screamed at and treated like a burden by both parents. my dad was always distant and neglectful, spending his money on beer and gambling. ive been diagnosed before it’s adhd, depression, and ptsd. i’ve always been socially isolated &amp; distant from my peers, especially growing up in a hick town while being queer.

im out of this situation, my mom is dead, ive moved states, and now my brain is off what i think is called “survival” mode and everything is catching up to me. a lot of my old friends and people who know me tell me they think im autistic, i think i have bpd, my ptsd can be considered complex-ptsd, and overall these symptoms kind of overlap. a diagnoses wouldn’t do anything but i want to stop wandering and living in dissociation and derealization. i want to be myself but i don’t know who i am. i don’t socialize well and every time i make a new friend they just want to fuck or im not what they expect, im quiet, shy, and don’t have many interests other people usually enjoy. im very lost and sad and my suicidal ideation has been getting worse and worse over the last few weeks. i can’t afford to put myself in a hospital at all and im to afraid to talk to my roommate or their family about it because i know nothing will happen from the conversation. im just trying to keep pushing through the days even though it’s all the same blurry bullshit.