I am 17,M. I've been anxious my whole life and depressed since I was 12. In my early stages of life I was a fat kid, I would always get laughed at for being overweight, for being ugly, I always felt like I was being judged. All of this got me to the point where I became socially anxious and depressed, by the age of 14 I tried weed, I never really enjoyed it because of the paranoia I'd get after smoking it. My mom found a little weed I had and things started escalating pretty fast. I'd get grounded, it would be very hard for me to ask my parents for anything, even like $5 or something, even thought it was hard for me to ask that before my mom found my weed, it never got this hard (This was in July/August of 2019). In September of 2019 I got into a high school(I'm from a rural area so this was a very big change in my life since I had to go to the nearest city),new people, scared of everything. I was lucky I became a friend with one guy from the class, even though there were people that went to the middle school with me I always felt like I didn't have anybody by my side. At that time I was really depressed and anxious, I was doubting everything, I started working out, lost around 15kg, got in some kind of a shape but it never really boosted my self esteem or anything, I was still anxious and depressed kid, thinking about suicide every other day. By the time COVID started I got off the social media, deleted and deactivated everything, I was in touch with only 2 friends, I started to think positively, I did my best to lower my anxiety and to not be depressed. I was kind of successful with that, by the time of the 2nd high school year I had some self esteem, but still when we'd go somewhere to drink coffee or to have a beer I'd constantly feel judged, my hands would start to shake and I'd be stuck in my thoughts, not knowing what to do. I'd reach out to some people, talk with them about how I feel but I never really got the help I needed, I always felt like I'd be judged by my friends if I asked them for help. It got to the point where I tried my best on my own. There were some moments that made me more depressed or less depressed than I was before but it always got to the same stage every single time. Fast forward to June 2022, I was watching a local soccer match and my half cousin came that I didn't see in few years, we started talking about some stuff, and one thing to another it led me to smoke a joint with him, we smoked it and both went out ways. By the time I was going home, few hours later after smoking with him I found him and one of his friends smoking so I joined them, I smoked with them and I got so high that I was scared to go home, I somehow calmed my self and went home. I got home, walked past my mom, straight to my bedroom. I was laying on bed, thinking about thousand things at once till I fell asleep. Woke up, forgot about that and moved on. Fast forward to 4 days ago, my mom comes busting in my room, firstly joking around then asking about where I spend my money(basically I'd get around $40 a week or something like that, coffee is like $1.5/1.7 , sandwich is like $2.2 and u can eat like 2 of them and still eat one more, beer is $2.7) (also keep in mind that I come to the city at 6:40AM and my school doesn't start till 7:15AM so I have more than half an hour to drink a coffee) I tell her honestly how I spend my money and she doesn't believe it. I tried convincing her, didn't work. She also asked me about my weed consumption, I froze for a second and lied to her, I told her that I haven't smoked since she found my weed. She believed me after some time of convincing her. The next day was going pretty normal but around 8:30PM she came busting into my room, yelling at me making sure I told her the truth, that she heard differently, I'm looking at her, thousand thoughts going thru my head, not knowing what to say, I lie to her again, she screamed at me told me that my half cousin said that he is worried about me(he tried committing suicide and had some serious episodes from his life going thru his head), I'm sitting looking at her, she runs away, comes back and I'm like "Okay, I smoked once more than half a year ago", she bursts in anger, yells at me, slaps me everywhere she can, leaves my room , yelling how I'm going to kill her with this stuff, that she will just pack up and leave. Eventually I gather enough fear, I came to her and told her everything how I felt for the last 5-6 years, told her about my anxiety, about my depression, about stuff I never ever told anyone because I was ashamed of myself. Told her to that I was scared to ask for her to get me a psychiatrist, we probably talked for about 2 hours about stuff I never talked about with her. That day.. my mental health that I was working so much on, trying so much to get it better just,  I don't know, it just all hit me again, everything that I worked on came back to me. It hurts me so much knowing that something I worked on for the past 2 years had been destroyed in matter of seconds, but it hurts me even more that my mom doubts everything I say, no matter how honest I am, no matter what, she doesn't believe me anything. I just feel like my life ain't worth it. I just feel like I am some kind of a bacteria that's destroying people. My emotions are soo messed up right now. Please, if there is somebody with some advice, or someone that I can talk to, please let me know.