I thought I was safe from having another favorite person for a while after I got over my ex-boyfriend, which took months to do and required so much hard work pushing him out of my everyday thoughts and so on. It was two days before my birthday when I basically forced myself to be completely over him, knowing it would ruin my birthday if I woke up expecting a "hbd" text and didn't end up getting one. It ended up being the first birthday for as long as I can remember where I didn't sob uncontrollably for no particular reason. For some reason the night before, I decided to take one of my friends along with me to meet this guy who she was friends with after we'd exchanged a few texts about potentially seeing each other individually since we had so many mutual friends. As the night progressed, I began to realize how attracted to him I was, which I tend not to take lightly because of how rare it is for me to catch genuine feelings for someone. On a regular day, I'll feel completely asexual until months later I'll randomly meet someone and start to like them. A lot. Like to the point where they are all I think about and I become completely obsessed. Anyways, we haven't seen each other since then. But he is now without a doubt my new favorite person and has been for almost a month. I once had an fp last for going on three years, and it wasn't fun. I mean, to say the least. I turned down almost every advance I received, even if I did like the person I was getting romantic attention from, it felt as if I was betraying him even though we hadn't spoken in years and he expressed no interest in getting back together with me. I lived my life every day feeling like he was watching me, and could hear everything I said including my internal thoughts. Any time I would say something slightly embarrassing even if it was to myself when no one was around, the phrase would repeat in my head until I felt complete and utter shame due to the fact that it always felt like he was watching over me, judging me. I experienced the same thing with my most recent favorite person, and the second I realized it was recurring with the guy I like now, I kind of started to freak out. Because we barely know each other. I told him I found him attractive and he seemed excited to go out with me, but for some yet-to-be-discovered reason, I always tend to catch feelings for extremely mentally ill people. Like myself, I guess. I thought he was perfectly well, which caused me to mask my true personality in order to seem healthier for him, but he dropped the bomb on me that he went into a depressive episode and doesn't want to accidentally push me away because of how overwhelmed he would get when getting to know someone while feeling like this. I don't know what to do because I am in need of constant reassurance, and I cannot expect that from someone who I recently found out doesn't even consider what we have to be a talking stage. I don't wanna lose feelings for him, as freeing as it would be, this feels so innocent and better for me than any other relationship I've been in. I just want him to feel the same and be expressive of it. I feel so trapped. Sucking in my stomach even when no one is looking and feeling like I need to look cute while brushing my teeth because I feel as if he is watching my every move like he's God or something is so dehumanizing even though in a way, I am doing this to myself. Sorry if that was rambly and all over the pace but anyone who understands what I am trying to say, can you offer me any help? What advice do I need in order to stop my life from revolving around this?