I’m envious of those people who were suicidal in the past and say, “look at what I would’ve missed out on if I did x years ago.” Not the case for me.

I failed multiple attempts at 18. Raped before I went off to college (no one believes me, no proof). Left after a semester because my organs were failing due to anorexia. Lost all my friends after having to medically withdraw. Got into a relationship that introduced me to drugs. Had to go to residential treatment for my ED (not helpful). Came back, broke up with my BF when covid hit. Developed vertigo, migraines, panic attacks, and agoraphobia. Both of my grandpas died. One of them had a stroke, heart attack, and dementia. My grandpa is now very depressed &amp; showing signs of dementia, too. My beloved chihuahua died. My cat died. I got horrible tattoos all over my arms that I’m spending thousands to remove &amp; it’s not even fucking working. My ED is horrible &amp; it hurts to fucking sit because my butt has no fat on it. I haven’t had a period in almost 9 years. 

I wouldn’t have missed out on anything if I died at 18. My life continues to go downhill. It’s like a cruel joke.