I have never been in a worse mental state than I am in now. Not even when I was 14, laying in a hospital bed after an attempt. I have no friends, no family, no one who loves me. All my friends talk to me when they need someone, when they need somewhere to go. The person I was in love with left me and I can feel him drifting further and further everyday.

 I finished high school and I dont know how to cope. Im autistic and dont deal well with change. School was the only socialisation I got. I live alone and everythings just getting so hard. Everything is too much. Im 18, I've been living alone for almost 2 full years while being in full time education and part time work and im done. Im so so tired. Im a kid I shouldn't have to deal with so much.

 My mums a narcissistic abbusive bitch with bpd and my dads an absent addict with schizophrenia, I have no one. My aunt that raised me is terminally ill and stopped talking to me after she got married. 

I have no one. I never imagined myself making is past 14 much less 18 and I have no idea what I'm doing now. The college course im going into isn't even something I want to be doing but its the only thing I could do with my grades. The teachers who made my days a bit better ill never see again. The people I talked to in classes or at lunch ill hardly ever see again. Work is overwhelming. Takijg care of a house is overwhelming. Keeping is overwhelming. Cleaning is overwhelming. Taking care of myself every damn day is overwhelming. Its too fucking much. And im just so so tired.

 If I had the means to I would absolutely end it all but I know if I got scared again like I did last time I'd have no one in the house to find me throwing up the trays of pills I'd taken. I'd have no one to find me if it worked and I honestly don't think anyone would notice me gone for a while. I feel so entirely alone right now, I guess I always have but its so much worse now. 

No one in the world have noticed im bulimic not even my aunt when I flat out told her I've been throwing up since I was fucking 15! No one noticed i can't get out if bed again. No one noticed my fresh sh. No one noticed my binging and starving. Honestly im glad they haven't its my issues.

I told my dad after my frist attempt at 14 I wanted to die and he said its normal, I told my mum a few months ago I was struggling and wanted to die and she said there was nothing she could do to help and I'd just have to live with it. I've reached out for help. I've tried. I even done therapy for a bit. I feel entirely hopeless. And im done. 

Whatever happens now im just letting it. If I die I die if I dont well I guess ill live.

I have no plans of ending my life, im too tired to even try. I just really want to.