I've been giving my life a little bit of thought these days, and a few months ago, I decided that it simply isn't worth living anymore.

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Even though it's been obvious from day one, I've finally made peace with the fact that I'm mentally ill. Ever since I was a child, forming relationships and being able to function in a normal setting with people has been virtually impossible. I have mental illness symptoms that make me come across as eccentric to most people, and only my immediate family members confront me about it (other people don't, although I've been labeled a creep ad infinitum by numerous people that I've met).

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My mental illness, coupled with an ADHD diagnosis, has made it impossible to make friends, stick to tasks, remain motivated, connect with people, hold down jobs, you name it. People immediate realize that there's something off about me, and I always end up in trouble, fired, or being shunned by peers. The thing is, I don't look challenged, so I don't get the leniency that people who are overtly challenged might get (Not that I want to be held to lower standards). I've been suspended from school for inappropriate behavior, beaten up by bullies, getting let go of jobs, you name it. 

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I've been on different medications from grade school, but nothing has worked. My parents would have the dosage increased on certain medications, but those pills would only lead to even bigger symptoms (usually medical issues).

It wouldn't be so bad if I had something that I could pursue in life, but I don't. I have a low IQ, which means I'm not a smart man. I've also had an interest in science, but I'm too stupid to understand most of the concepts I want to learn. I've learned that IQ can't be fixed; it's mostly genetic, so there goes my dream of being smart. 

I don't make very much money at my job, but I'm not qualified to do anything else, and I just don't feel like wasting more money in college/university for another useless degree (I believed the counselor's lies and followed my passion instead of in demand skills. I couldn't find full time work for four years). 

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These days, I've been plagued by depression. People have told me to get help in the past, but all that means is throwing away more money to dump my life problems on a therapist, and/or taking more medication with all the side effects.

IN my free time, all I ever do is remember all the people who I wronged (not legally, but otherwise) due to my mental illness symptoms. To avoid disappointing others, I recently decided to shut myself away from the world; when I'm not at work, I never go out. I just shut myself in my apartment like Will Smith in "I Am Legend". At least that's fewer opportunities for me to embarrass myself in public. 

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I've lost interest in virtually every hobby or goal I've ever had, and I feel useless. Eventually, I started asking myself why I was even born. Of course, I know the answer to that question, but then I rationalized that no one ever chooses to be born. Life is meaningless, and life is a lottery; some win and some lose, and I'm a natural born loser. My mental illness has no cure, and I just see no point to life anymore.

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There were times where I told myself I would get better, that I would beat my issues, but now I'm tired of lying to myself. I never liked my life; I always hated it, and now I only look forward to death. 

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I'd rather not wake up in the morning, but I've never had the courage to end my life. 

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I'm not really sure what to do at this point...