Had suicide attempt when I was 14.  Don't know what was diagnosed, as I saw my mom gave her pearl necklace to the psychiatrist before I went back home. Went to the psychiatric dept of the same hospital again when I'm 27 to ask if there's any record of mine. There was none.

I relapse again into suicidal depression around 2019. Was in a good job, got promoted twice, got a raise, but I still feel like I wanted to die. Couldn't share it with anyone because it will sound as if I ungrateful. 

It was temporarily quelled when I attended a psychotherapy center nearby my office. In retrospect, it was a bad choice, because a coworker saw me going there, and it seems to spread in the office that I was not okay mentally, and everyone seems to treat me as if walking on egg shells, or just downright avoid me. Communicating becomes downright hard, especially with my last post as a team lead.

I quit in late 2020. The pandemic and lockdown happen. The clinic closed, I have no money left to pay them anyway. I went back to my family's home. I tried getting psychiatric referral letter via the govt. clinic but I got cold feet three times and haven't gone back yet. Even then I'm doing this behind my family's back, as they and our neighbors tend to see people with mental illness as lunacy, and the social ostracization will make my family suffer.

I wanted to tell them, but then my older sister got her spinal surgery and lost her job too. So I keep myself silent and focus on that for the half of last year.

It's been one year with no jobs, and my savings are depleting. I can survive only another month. Yet I still didn't move my ass to find another job. Just thinking of making resumes, cover letters, going through interviews, zapped me out of my energy. Thinking that I need to push myself to talk with people when all I wanted was to finish the meeting quickly and get out of the room every single day, send me hiding back in bed and silently wishing I'll pass in my sleep.

I wished I'd die early, but I can't commit suicide as that would render my insurance invalid. As useless as I am, at least I can give something to my family if I die. I am more useful in death rather than alive.

They can use it to pay for our house mortgage, student loans. Especially now when my sister needed a second surgery. 

I wanted to tell my mom but I couldn't, not when she pulled me aside while my sister's asleep, saying how she can depend on me when this happen to the family, please don't fail them now. I wanted to tell my sister, but I couldn't, not when she said the same thing.

I get highly irritated nowadays, for example just them not putting the chair back or leave a dirty dish in the sink were enough for me to lash out and break down and cry when no one's around. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I feel the desire to cut my wrist again.

I couldn't even get help as I can't go openly without being stop nor can I sneak out. I want to be selfish, but neither I have the energy to do anything about it. My mind is in a constant fog. My body is aching all over. I wake up tired.

I just.... don't want to live long. I don't want to wake up. There's nothing I want to see the next day. My heart feels nothing except suffocating. But I couldn't say it. Especially when I can't answer, "What's wrong?"

Me. I am wrong.