Well. It happened again. 

I am 30 years old. I have been in therapy since I was a teenager. I consider myself self-aware. I see myself as a person who values high integrity, compassion, and understanding for those around me. And when I am Dr. Jekyl, I am that person. I like who I am. Dr. Jekyl is charismatic- and funny! Dr. Jekyl is smart, reliable, dependent, compassionate, understanding, patient, thoughtful.

The perfect person. The perfect daughter. The perfect partner. The light of the world. 

I have so many people thinking I am always this person- at first. I LOVE this person and owe this person to the taking OWNERSHIP of my life (no more playing the victim card- I co-create my reality with those around me), the extensive research on this disorder, taking responsibility for my actions, the heart felt apologies, the meditation... The mindful eating, the staying hydrated, the loving, nourishing time in the sun and garden and the daily runs to clear my head. I have made LEAPS AND BOUNDS in my mental health. I have healed so much of myself in so many ways and yet-

Mrs. Hyde. Mrs. Fucking. Hyde. I hate her. I fucking hate her. But okay, I'm taking ownership for MY actions...so...it's me who I hate? But I love myself. Is this some diet schizophrenia? A crack in my personality- some fragmented part of me that I have compartmentalized and hidden away- and now she has GROWN. I lose myself to this person on a daily basis some months. I am truly separate from this person. I am fully conscious, awake and coherent during these "splits". I don't black out, I remember every horrible thing said. And yet- The anger and acting out- I SWEAR IT IS NOT ME... And yet- IT IS ME. I know that it hurts ME to play the victim card! I know I must take responsibility for my life and my actions. I know the only person who can truly help me- is me. I KNOW it hurts ME to fall prey to this "woe is me- I have a mental illness I can't help it" voice that sometimes creeps up. 

AND YET. It is hard and extremely difficult to not turn straight werewolf when the full moon (whatever I decide to be triggered by that day) pops up. It's like I don't even have a fighting chance. I get triggered and I lose all self control, integrity, values, etc. It's like being wasted on anger. And my body produces the anger. The very mind altering substance that creates this chaotic awfulness is produced inside of my body. I can't "say no to anger" and yet- I KNOW I CAN. So why can't I?

I am FRUSTRATED. I have felt severe remorse consistently over and over again. Wanting to disappear from guilt and deep shame because I deeply relished and craved making my most loved ones HURT. Yes- I know. I know! I relish causing my loved ones pain. I sometimes think, "But that's not the true 'me'! It's Mrs. Hyde!" I know I sound absolutely bonkers! It is a fragmented part of my personality- and it is taking over my brain and my relationships! I am smart. I am socially inept. I know what the hell is going on! I know what is appropriate behavior and what is not.

But when I am triggered (which doesn't take much at all) I go absolutely bonkers with my words. I take great satisfaction in shattering worlds, specifically and almost exclusively limited to those who love me the most. Those who pour the most love into me get it the worst. I take great delight in the reckless expression of my tongue- exploring my own free will to see how malicious I can be. In that moment of blinding anger -brought on sometimes by the smallest of ant hills- destruction feels like the only thing I care about or can express. Anything else is inauthentic. Anything else doesn't fucking matter. I want to watch the world burn. Fuck you, fuck everything. Yes I really fucking feel this way! Yes I deeply, honestly, authentically feel this way- you mother fucker. 

And then the storm passes and Dr. Jekyl is left sobbing, writing a reddit post about the mean lady who lives in her head.

It's so frustrating being this self aware and feeling I have little control over the situation, but also knowing I have immense control over the situation.

It's just so hard. Wah. Vent post. I can do this. I can heal. I have already healed so much. I have hope and faith. But some days I look back and think "Wow- I really struggle with this. Like- horribly. This isn't a bad day, this is my life."