ever since I was very young I couldn't stand people doing something that I like to do. my worst fear was my friends picking up a hobby I have and I always had to be better than others.

nowadays it's still exactly like this. seeing a friend do something I like can make me have a reaction anywhere from feeling physically ill to being extremely angry. I only have one friend I frequently talk to and I often consider cutting ties with her because she likes some things that I like. I have to explain this problem to new friends I get. it causes me stress to see someone I know doing something I like.

this is not the biggest problem in my life, but something that I do not understand. no rational thinking helps. I don't know if I'll ever stop reacting to things this way.

slightly unrelated, but maybe will give more insight into the type of person I am, I do not want this problem to go away. I've never met any other person who has such an extreme reaction to things like this so I feel special because of this, I like to feel special, but of course everyone likes feeling special.

I'm kind of an a-hole, I'll lash out at my friend for listening to an artist I like and I'll straight up tell her not to play games I enjoy and not to take part in hobbies I enjoy and sometimes I even want to tell her to entirely stop talking with others about things that I also enjoy talking about.

but like I mentioned, I like feeling special and I am proud of myself for being an a-hole. 

more insight into me, I have an average amount of insecurity, I am too afraid to make decisions when other people are involved and sometimes when I express opinions I slightly "obstruct" my true opinion so in case I am wrong I can just make it seem like I never was wrong. despite this average insecurity, I've often felt like I am more intelligent than anyone around me.

all this might make me seem like a massive jerk, but on top of all that jerkyness I am filled with, I also am too empathetic to the point where I feel a lot of stress during the day because I do not want anyone in this world to feel pain. I very often even feel mildly suicidal from the amount of anxiety I have about other people suffering.

I think that in the end these aren't problems. everyone is like this, they just don't show it on the outside.

also just a disclaimer, I am only posting this so I can feel validated as an a-hole. I want people to tell me that I am a natural jerk so I can feel special.

I do not hate myself. I put too much effort into appearing self aware. or that is what my insecurity tells me. below that there's a layer of security telling me that I do hate myself. below that there's a layer of insecurity telling me that I do not hate myself. this goes on forever. I have to climb out of that thought loop or it never stops. I've had it running in a loop for way too long sometimes.