I am hoping someone here will understand this. I don't think my therapist or husband does. When I am able to realize that I am not a bad person, I feel horrible. I feel so angry, hurt, and sad that I have been tortured by these feelings and that I have tortured myself for having them. And I feel so angry at everyone else (esp. my parents, teachers, doctors, etc.) for not helping me when I really needed help. 

As long as I think that I am a bad person, then it makes sense that I was so hurt and that no one helped me. I deserved to be hurt and I did not deserve to be helped. In order to deserve those things, I first needed to be a better person--not the crap, lazy, over-dramatic, weird person that I felt like. 

So, my first reaction to feeling like I am a worthy, loved, real person is to feel just awful and have flashbacks to when I was younger and felt like all I could do was pretend to be a real person. I feel so so sad for that girl. It hurts like hell. 