My story begins 5 years ago where I acted abusively in a relationship. There are plenty of reasons as to why I acted this way, but none of these are excuses, I chose to act this way. 

And that's why I can't forgive myself. I feel like I deserve to sit with this shame and guilt. I lost a lot of friends and an entire community. A lot of people were understanding and didn't cut me out but I became so anxious of guessing who still liked me and who saw me as an abuser that I stopped speaking to anyone and moved away. The few friends I kept I am always second guessing if they secretly hate me. I think a lot about the hurt that I've caused people in the past and it's just not right. I know I'm not that person now and those were never my morals, I was just so chewed up on the inside that I was poisonous on the outside too. 

If I don't forgive myself, this behaviour will affect people I'm with in the future, and my relationships forever. I need to stop hating myself or I'm just going to be a whirlwind in everyone's lives forevermore. But I don't think I want to forgive myself, because I have acted so badly. I've done so much work and I've come so far, I've never done anything abusive since and I've put the hours in to dig deep and figure out why and hold myself accountable for the people I've hurt. But I don't feel like I can jump this hurdle.