I have BPD and ive always been had depressive episodes since i was small. I moved away to new york city right at 19 after high school because i felt hurt by everyone: i didnt have any friends in school because i was afraid of getting close to people that they would hurt me; and my family caused me such distress with invalidation and their own mental issues. Ive always been a heavy daydreamer and a person with major fantasies and I thought I would move to New York and “make it big” as a singer. I guess i was looking for people to love me and fill the void that was missing in my childhood. Well, my problems persisted in New York; I was extremely lonely and experienced the worst depression of my life at 20 years old. I became promiscuous as a way to numb the pain which eventually led me to meeting my partner (FP if you will) which was very supportive and understanding. I was happy for the first few years but being that he was much older, he was a dominant, controlling and sometimes manipulative person. We were together for 7 years but I began splitting on him around the third year. I received a BPD diagnosis at 24 and despite taking DBT and trying several therapists my mental issues persisted. I didn’t trust my feelings in my relationship and was idealistic, I even proposed to him but after 6 months of being engaged I left. I would say I’m like a sponge that absorbs the energy of other people, and he exhausted me mentally to the point where I felt like leaving. And I did.

I moved in with my family in February despite really disliking Louisiana where I’m from; but i felt i had no one in New York and that my ex wouldn’t respect my decision or leave me alone. Im splitting on my family (mother has mental illness, Dad is on crystal meth and acts completely different than the father i thought I had. Theres no hope here, financially, the future of my parents (they both dont take care of themselves and are miserable). My siblings I can talk to but I feel misunderstood. I have frequent mood swings at my job, I dont feel confident in my work and it pains me to be there. I want to move away again to escape the hurt I feel from my upbringing and Im hopeful That I will I just feel so hurt, sad, misunderstood and sometimes suicidal. 

Everyone is sick in my house with COVID and the pessimism and negativity is just killing me inside. I want to escape.

Maybe my story will bring someone comfort or self awareness, idk. Id appreciate any support.