Hey everyone. I need to just rant for a bit and I feel as if you all will understand me better than anyone in my real life. 

I should preface this by saying that I’m a 22 year old woman who has been forced back home after years studying. I have GAD but, in my years of being independent, was able to seek out therapists and learn to manage my anxiety until it became almost a non-issue. Until the last few weeks. 

So this year has been bad for my family. We’ve lost family members from old age (thankfully nobody has had the virus). My parents have been out of work due to the nature of their businesses. Happy things have been made stressful: my sister is heading off to university this year - in a couple months. But my mom is so worried about her - she believes she will not survive on her own. Or will be alone and depressed. See, my family all have troubles with anxiety. But this year and the circumstances we are in have clearly made things worse. My mom has developed some kind of panic disorder, often crying and collapsing on the floor in a fit of hallucinations. My father is equally as anxious, except he expresses his worries through violent statements and outbursts, like shouting “ I want to put a bullet in my head” or “fuck this life”. My sisters anxiety is purely triggered by these above mentioned scenarios so she will lock herself in her room whenever anyone else is anxious and avoid any conversation. 

This evening things hit the worst point ever. My mom had a panic attack due to me having to leave the home. I managed to contact a friend of hers to come and visit to calm her down. It was successful. My dad in this time decided to contact the person I will be living with in the future and told my mom about this conversation. My mom freaked out - I assume she felt like my father was bothersome and annoyed said person. She was in a fragile state, I assume. My father gradually blew up due to her disapproval, causing my mother to relapse in her panic attack. My father thus got angry and started his usual “fuck this life” shouting. He stomped off to bed, threatening to end his life tonight. My mother then came to me and told me how she wants to leave him but can’t because she doesn’t have a job nor is she independent. She is also worried about my sister who won’t have a home to come back to during her university holidays. 

And now I’m awake and alone in my room after having all of this forced into me.

I don’t know what to do. My family is falling apart. 

The anxiety that I had so long ago learned how to manage has resurfaced with a new face. 

And I’m terrified and so incredibly sad. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. 
I hope wherever you are or whoever you are, you feel peace today.