(just letting you know there's a brief mention of sex/trauma bond crap)

I just want a fucking drink. No love, no safety, no understanding, no future. No one will listen because my life's not as shitty as theirs, and all my problems are my fault. I'm too lazy, too irresponsible and immature, too bad a person. There's literally no one on my side. I don't have my own voice. I can't even JUST HAVE A FUCKING DRINK. I HAVE NOTHING. ALL I WANT IS FOR THIS SHIT TO STOP TORTURING ME FOR A FEW HOURS. FUCK.

It feels like my brain is literally on fire. No one understands the hell I go through daily, and if I told my friends they couldn't change a thing. I don't even want to tell them. I'm just terrified. It's too much, and it'd make them uncomfortable/scare them off. It'd show them who I am. I don't trust people at all with this information but I need it off my chest. No one I know could really help me, even if they cared and wanted to.

I don't feel connected to anyone. The only reason I have these 'friends' is because of the role I feel compelled to fill for them, even though I know they didn't ask and my perception of relationships and feelings is completely fucked. But I don't know anything else. They have mental health and attachment issues too, which is why they tolerate me, I think. I've never known myself or been myself fully around others and it's killing me. I feel like I'm deceiving everyone who stays around me, and deceiving myself/dissociating most of the time to get through another day or act like I'm happy/comfortable around anyone. I'm closed off and fucked up, I'm not a good, honest friend or person in the slightest.

I can't stand my parents enough to be in the same room as them or tell them anything. I'm not in danger, they just have their own issues they never fixed. They just couldn't ever be what I need at all and I hate/distrust them. Yes, I know how pathetic it is for a 20 y.o. to feel that way. I'm a weak, upper middle class loser who never prepared to move away or build my own life at all, even though I always desperately wanted to and I need to. I've wasted my life dissociating and making the most lazy, slefish, destructive decisions that *felt* like genuine pain and fighting to survive, but at the same time doesn't *look* that way at all to me, or anyone else. And my parents couldn't ever see or handle me in the moment either. I was really 'difficult' as a kid too. Or they were just unprepared, immature, and neglectful. I can't decide what I believe. I think it's both.

I swear I know emotional neglect and emotional abuse occured but I can't prove it to anyone, it's the 'little t' sort of trauma, and there's so much I can't remember at all. It's my problem now that I'm an adult, which is horrifying because I feel just like a helpless child. And I know I'd sound delusional to most, like I'm just 'avoiding responsibility'. I can't handle being misunderstood or made to feel like an intentionally garbage person again.

The most constant feeling in my life is shame. I genuinely want and try to disappear, even though that contradicts how crazy and stupid I acted growing up. And now. I NEED someone but I hate, fear, and repell everyone.

One friend of mine is a guy I dated whose dick I sucked because I figured that's what I 'should' do. I don't know. That's how affection is achieved, I guess? Lmao fuck. He's not just a shitty guy, it was consensual, but I can't figure out WHAT happened. I'm not truly attracted to him at all. I don't think I ever really was. I didn't enjoy sex with him. I acted like I did, it's what I felt I should do, and I'm repulsed by the memory. I've never even fucking had sex before. Why the fuck did I do that? What's wrong with me? From what I can tell, I've been lost and isolating myself almost my whole life and I latched on to the first guy willing to fuck/hang out with me. I feel like I betrayed myself when I realized this, and on some insane, paranoid level, I'm still expecting him to betray me. All we really discussed now that we're broken up was agreeing we moved really fast and it wasn't healthy.

To my other friends/sisters, I say nothing about any of this. When I'm with them, I feel exhausted trying to act comfortable/happy around them, even though it mostly doesn't work and people can tell I'm flaky and weird and probably miserable. Or I don't know. It's what I'm convinced they can see. I barely have enough time and emotional capacity to pretend I'm okay and I rarely see anyone.

I'm so scared. I feel completely broken, and I feel a desperate desire for someone to love me, but I can't feel safe with anyone. And because of how I feel and what I do, I'm repulsive. I wouldn't even go near someone like me. Bottomless pit of needs (that I can't communicate or handle myself), emotionally/socially stunted, volatile to anyone when I'm hurting/stressed (which is constantly), desperate and resentful, and too much of a manipulative coward to be straightforward about any of it. This is all too painful and I want to die.

I'm meeting with a possible new therapist next week. I don't know how to get through until then. I'm tired of feeling completely alone no matter what.