19 y/o trans girl here. I have autism and most likely ADHD too. I don't wanna get up anymore in the morning, I don't think I've ever felt joy about anything. I just wish there was a way to get better but so far antidepressants and therapy have done exactly nothing. Dunno if I should change therapists, she's nice but talking to her doesn't help, I just feel more drained and tired of everything afterwards. I've also been on Estrogen for 2.5 months but it hasn't helped with depression at all (for some it does, I guess not for me). I also can't be honest with my therapist(s) (I have a regular one and a gender therapist) because I lied to both of them about my suicidality to get HRT. They think I *used* to have it but I don't anymore which isn't true although I'm not suicidal today just empty. But I don't see the purpose in life at all. It only ever seems to get worse, never better. Everything is lifeless, lacks colours, depth and emotion. Idek what I'm feeling anymore. People are like "try stuff out, get a hobby" and don't understand I don't wanna. It doesn't make me happy at all and I know it. I feel the happiest when I'm asleep hence I sleep as much as I can. At least being asleep isn't painful. I want to be a living human being. I want my attraction in people back, I want to be able to care for them and bring them genuine comfort and empathy. But I can't do that cuz I'm an emotional wreck. It makes me hate myself even more cuz I feel like I'm an awful non-caring person a lot of the time. I want to be able to feel sad and happy and like I am worth sth and have passion about things but Idk how. This is killing me. My therapists even think I'm doing much better cuz I'm capable of laughing. I am but I'm empty inside. It's not honest. Sorry for being rambl-y