Hi, I consider myself to be pretty 'self aware', I have what is often referred to inward or 'quiet' bpd and struggle mostly in social situations, as well as with my fp which this post is about. my fp is unsurprisingly, my boyfriend, but as of late i've struggled with my true feeling towards him because I can't stop splitting. this is the type of person i'd want to marry, easily, but sometimes i find myself triggered by the thoughts of him and his previous partners to the point i almost lose all feeling i could attach as 'love.'

it's so confusing, because i barely even know what my own emotions are. it also makes me feel like a bad person; i wouldn't want him to judge me for past relationships but when i think about how he probably delivered his 100% to these girls, it feels more like they got to experience a more genuine, less guarded, version of my fp. and i envy that immensely. i feel very much like i could be the same way, but there's something about the idea of him calling all of them the same petnames, saying the same things, promising the same things, that gives me the ick.

i feel hurt that they'd hurt him, i somehow feel like i can't ever reach the bar they were at in their relationships currently in ours. i feel afraid, that while even though these are past relationships, his hurt still ever-present is clear indication he loves them, he did love them, and i am nothing special. i am ultimately a placeholder for his failed endeavors, and 'want' to be with someone else that destroyed him. i dont know how i can stop feeling this way. i want to, and i would appreciate any help.

writing up this post was a lot, and very scary to me to self admit more deluded ways of thinking i typically just discard. please be kind. thank you.