I’m sorry my thoughts will probably sound very disjointed and incoherent, I’m having a major emotional and mental breakdown right now and I’m dissociating quite badly.

I’ve been seeing my therapist since early 2017. My main issues for going were trauma caused by a breakup and childhood abandonment by my alcoholic mother when I was 12.

My therapist has been a really kind and caring person for as long as I’ve been working with her. I trusted her more than probably anyone else I knew for most of my life. I formed a very strong attachment with her. There ended up being strong transference, maternal and other kinds on my part. She suggested early on that we lean into it and use it as an experience to help heal from the past traumas.

She was always very caring expressively and outwards and was always supportive. We always had a very strong bond. 

A few months ago I started feeling disconnected and as though my therapist was not showing that she cared about me very often. I brought this up and we sort of talked it out a couple months ago and she said she was not emotionally abandoning me. I thought it would get better from there but nothing really changed and I still have been struggling with feeling disconnected.

My apologies as my thoughts will likely seem more disjointed from here so I will try to organize them as best I can.

\-she said she has been purposely being less expressive and less emotional in sessions. She said this is to be more objective and to better do her job. 

\-she also said she had set that as a boundary because that’s what is best for her. I assume this is because she used to take on clients problems too much and feel burned out. She explained to me at one point a few years ago that she used to feel like it was her job to take care of her friends and essentially “save” them and would feel overwhelmed. I’m assuming the same thing was playing out with me/her clients.

\-examples I gave of how she seems detached is that she rarely ever shows much emotion at all anymore. She doesn’t offer supportive comments or praise like she used to, things like “I’m here for you” “I’m proud of you” etc.

\-more examples – things feeling very mechanical and detached. She doesn’t ask me about my life or how things that are important to me went that we’ve discussed. Basically there’s no kind of rapport anymore at all. I said it feels like she doesn’t talk to me like I’m a person anymore. She doesn’t show much empathy. I said it feels like I’m talking to a dentist.   
   
 

\-she said she was not willing to do anything to come to a solution or resolve those issues, or adjust at all or change in anyway to make those things better. She said that was her boundary and she could not be flexible about it. To me this seems like a misuse of what the nature of “boundaries” actually are and is just an excuse to not work together or even see if a solution is possible. 

\-she told me a couple months ago she wasn’t emotionally abandoning me or shutting me out. I told her it seems like that actually is happening and that she has a complete wall up and that she has completely withdrawn showing that she cares for me and etc

\-in the past when we’ve had issues connecting, I told her we used to talk things out and see if we could come to a mutual understanding and balance things out.

\-she said she was not willing to change her boundary. She said there was nothing to balance out or discuss. She even said I wasn’t asking for anything unreasonable, but that she had to do what was best for her. She was not willing to discuss potential solutions or ways to resolve this. She basically said “yeah I’m more disconnected now, that’s how it is. Sorry it hurts you.”

I trusted her so much. She was supposed to be the one safe person who wouldn’t do this to me. Instead she’s recreating the exact same dynamic that my mom and ex girlfriend did, abandoning me emotionally through no fault of my own, and without much of an explanation. Because she even said she didn’t think she should explain why she set that boundary.

I hate myself so much for allowing this to happen to me. I trusted her that she would never hurt me like this. Instead I’m reliving the most painful experience of my life yet again, after she assured me that she would never hurt me or abandon me or do what the people who hurt me and broke my trust did to me. I don’t know what to do and I can’t take this.