I just told some friends and family members that I had *finally* sorted out things in my life and whatnot and felt genuinely happy for the first time this whole year honestly. 

Two hours ago before I'm about to go to bed I was in a voice chat with my friend and brother and they were aware of how good I felt (and how bad I've felt) and all of a sudden my brother started having this weird attitude and raising his voice when were just chilling and stuff and I can't remember the last time I got so "triggered"—it felt like my body was shaking and my lips certainly was and I realized I subconsciously held my breath because I couldn't breathe normally. I was **so** close to just hitting the power button on my PC. If I had done that though I know he/they'd think I was the problem as usual.

I've told him many times the past months that I've had extreme suicidal thoughts (my pets are keeping me alive pretty much) and he can't just take one second to not be like this? The first day I felt accomplished and happy? I feel cursed.

Unbelievable, I told my friend afterwards that I don't want to talk to him for two weeks at least again. I never have headaches and my head is still hurting so badly right now. Everything I've just fixed suddenly gives me no happiness at all. The new things I could finally buy and have in my apartment right now, everything, the feeling is just ruined.