hi, i do not know what to do anymore with myself, if you dont mind i am going to do my best with attempting to explain the situation...

I had these friends for a long time and we talked a lot, they knew i was schizophrenic and it seemed to them i was constantly losing my mind or something, i never realized it then but that was kind of like a running joke to them. i did a lot of things somebody with this condition should never do and i was warned by professionals about it but i ditched help because i didnt care at all in a certain way of careless-ness, something about them not understanding. i did not tell anybody in my family what was going on especially not mental health wise because it just seemed they could never obtain anything i said when i tried. i dont want to say they didnt take me serious but they just didnt really take it serious, its kind of like it was to them atleast they didnt have to deal with that. so i was never so close with my siblings either to try and reach out for advice on what to do in situations like they all did with each other and what seems like all the other familys do (i am the youngest).  in school, my social aspect was just known as crazy, i hated that but i couldnt do much. all my life it was like that, even before a single person or even i knew about the schizo aspect. i would never be able to stick around for forever in friendships because i was either so paranoid or cant believe i exposed myself like that, that i existed and did what i did.  but i had these friends now. i knew of them before but never personally. now i did.  later, i had also started talking to this boy i had known for some years but i had never been interested in dating or anything, idk this time around i was interested in him. we got pretty close. only one of my friends knew him more than just knowing that a person by the name of his existed. but toward the school year coming to a start i had taken him off my social medias, as i had been taking many people off my social medias through out that summer, i hated that i felt like i was exposing myself to so many people who didnt really even know me. and even though i had genuine feelings for this boy i dont think i really knew that then/ never thought about consequences, of everything i do.  i wonder if all them now could tell how mentally unstable i was. he tried to ask me once when he saw me at school why i blocked him but i didnt respond because i was infront of him quite a distance and leaving and didnt even know what to say because i did not even want to block him out of all people.  (i honestly really liked him, i just did so much overthinking and all these signs said he liked me but all the others made me question if i was being manipulated/used, or of course if it was all in my head.) so whatever i drop out like less than two weeks into the year and have no contact with anybody at this point. for about 5 months. i had left my friend group btw, i thought they were also manipulating me, making fun of me, pretending to be my friend. their behaviors said it all to me. i didnt really talk to a lot of my family for reasons. but i went through a horrible religious thing, so much delusion fr. and i think that may have been where my siblings realized and just took a huge step back at this point by the stuff i was talking about. so i was alone. but late march i had decided to reach out to my old friend group and this boy, i sent this boy these huge paragraphs filled with delusion to be honest and my friends i dont know they always thought about me a little differently so nothing i did probably shocked them. Well anyway i am now engaging with these people and i begin noticing something was wrong. they have this fake front behavior. like everything they were saying was a made up story in code targeted at me. some of them talked to a lot of people (a lot of people to me) some of those people used to know me and would say comments along the lines of how it was like i died, i fell off the face of the earth, everybody forgot about me, idk yeha. and then the boy sent me something saying i was out of the gene pool so i tried to ask people what it meant and they said bad. well idk he was nothing like how he used to be. he was scary now. they all acted so different, it was like they secretly just wished i would have died. when i would hear voices i sometimes could hear theirs like they sent demons after me with witchcraft. then i visited them and they would mention stuff i thought about, like they had access to my thoughts. they would tell me horrible stories in code, talking shit about the made up person basically but it all related to me, like the made up person was me.  they put on this show after asking me a bunch of weird questions that related to the questions, sometimes the lines or words the people in the show were saying would match up to what was going on in my head. then they would say they felt a certain way but really it was like they were observing me and then judging me but saying it out loud to me so i would gain some self awareness i guess lol but acted like it was how they felt. they would laugh at my paranoia, at me. i was so funny to them in such an embarrassing way. when i think about it now i always was. like they were setting me up testing me the whole entire friendship. and the boy, it is all ruined i think. so embarrassing. i blocked them all again because i realized this and then went on to think my whole city knew about everything and was against me, you know like the word spread.

&gt;but what i am trying to say is i dont know what to do. i cant just make new friends, they are the type i realize now to spread that to everybody. everybody thinks im loopy. now i am alone again. i am afraid of the public tbh. my family thinks im so insane, i had a bunch of breakdowns to them trying to figure out what was really going on, if they could tell me if i was up to date with reality, but got objected and now they make random comments directed at me to make fun of me. i dont een know where to go to make friends.  i was planning on moving with my mom but she has all of her own problems and it isnt working to be able to deal with a brain like mine. im too gone to even participate in online schooling, i just pace around all day on a ground that isnt the same as everybody elses, and wait. well okay, does anybody have any thoughts on this?