This is about the person I discussed in my previous post... Please be kind, this is a vent, and will be very long and disjointed.

I fucked up. I went back to him and I fucked up. I saw so many red flags but I was so desperate for a shred of hope and I wanted to treat him with kindness, be there for him and give him the benefit of the doubt. I sent him a lot of money, money that he used for drugs. He lied about what a lot of the money was used for, but of course I knew drugs were involved. Hell he even had me unknowingly text his plugs a few times, and I did pick up for him once.. We would do them together. I know I enabled him, and I will probably beat myself up over it for the rest of my life because by enabling him I allowed him to walk all over me, and disrespect me.

The other day his tone shifted and he said his friend would call me as she didn't believe that I hadn't been to his. I genuinely believed he lost his memory and went into psychosis due to the stress he had been under, so I was fully prepared to dispute what he was saying.

But he was trying to tell me to lie, he was telling me to delete things, and try to make out I'm innocent. The girl who is probably his only friend left called me and said he had been lying about everything. Lying about how much he worked, lying about living with his ex when we first met and started talking, lying about sleeping with others, supposedly lying about what he thought of me, etc. The first lie he told me, on the first night I met him, was that he hadn't had sex in 4 months nor been in a relationship for 2 and a half years.

This friend is also a fwb of his, and she knew something was bad and that he was lying about me and doing everything to hide the fact I exist. Shit went down a couple months ago, as it came to a head he was cheating on his ex, but no one knew about me then. No one really knew about me until this week. When she looked on his phone and saw our messages.

He told his friend that I was nothing, someone of lesser value to manipulate, I was fat and ugly, I was bad in bed, that he only used me for sex, drugs and to get off his face, that he was only being nice to me so I don't kill myself. He lied about me going to his, us having baths together, us sleeping together, me being in his bedroom... He also tried to say I was a stalker he had known for 5 years. We only began talking in June. I feel like a lot of what he said about me to his friend was exactly what he thought she wanted to hear to keep her sweet and to try to cover his back.

He would obviously say the exact opposite to me in person, about how I was the only one for him, and so on. The thing is though, I know I can't be angry at him for sleeping with others when it wasn't even a boundary we discussed, we're kinda kinky and had some very out there plans and fantasies, and I had also slept with others during the time we were talking... So, I genuinely feel I cannot be angry about that specifically.

As everything was going down I sent him a long vent, in hindsight I probably shouldn't have, but it made sense to send it based on discussions we had had. I just told him that I wasn't happy with him lying, that I'm sure he had his reasons, and that he needs to sort it out because the guilt will only worsen his mental health. I also said I was prepared to stick around if he communicated with me. I needed to get it out otherwise I'd stew and beat myself up for not saying more.

His friend saw the messages and told me to stay away because of all the awful things he said to her about me, and how he apparently hates me. Despite him calling me a beautiful, wonderful humanbeing and saying how much he wanted to look after me, not even 24 hours beforehand...

Apart of me was always attracted to the thrill. I actually got a slight thrill out of sending him money, and of course spending time with him, etc. What we were doing felt like our little secret, it was just us two alone together, no one knew what was happening between us in his apartment, and it was fun. We had a lot of plans to go on dates and trips away, but they never came into fruition.

He knows I have bpd too and a history of self harm and an eating disorder... we talked about it, yet he seemingly did everything in his power to trigger my issues - whether he was fully conscious of that I don't know. I always offered to help look after him on his supposed bad days. I wasn't comfortable with the extent of his drug use and I knew I needed to say something about it, because I figured he would use all day, every day, if he could whereas I can manage my usage to a few times a month. I felt like I would have been crossing boundaries if I said something, as it wasn't really something we had talked about. But at the same time I felt like I had to observe before I could say much... I even saw him hide a baggie I bought... He must have thought I was stupid. I don't know maybe I'm far too passive, no questions asked and prepared to lose myself in another person to be in a healthy relationship - especially with someone just as or even more fucked up than me. I will say, I wasn't at his beck and call all the time. He begged me to go over to his a lot. There were many times where I had to exercise boundaries for various reasons and turn down his invites invites and requests.

I've been talking to his friend, who is in contact with his family so we can both get our money back. But I don't fully trust her. I'm paranoid that they're just laughing over messages I've sent both of them. And that all of this is just an elaborate sexual scheme, but at the same time, I have told her everything he's done, I've answered all of her questions and sent proof of things he's tried to hide from her.

He currently has me blocked on our preferred messaging app, and he has blocked my number. His friend and I are both expecting him to split on us, with him suddenly hating her and coming back and being nice to me... I'm not certain I can stay away if he chooses to message me again. I want to see him again despite everything. As far as I'm aware, he doesn't know the full extent of what I know about him. His friend said she hasn't told him anything we've discussed. But obviously, I can't be too sure. I suppose my main priority is getting my money back.

How do I make peace with this? I feel so numb, my abandonment issues have been triggered, but at the same time I'm not angry. I knew, I had my suspicions. I had jokes I wanted to say to him like "oh do you say that to all the girls you see?" or "was the noise complaint your neighbours made against you from when you had someone else over?"

I haven't eaten in 3 days. Please I know I have done a lot of wrong in this situation, but I am fully aware I wouldn't have made these mistakes if it weren't for his plethora of fuck ups... and his disrespect for my trust and kindness.

Help.