CW just in case because of mentions of suicidal thoughts.

I feel extremely worthless. I feel absolutely everything and absolutely nothing at the same time. I feel such deep self-hatred that I hardly even know how to put it into words.

I've still been managing to go to work and get through the motions of everyday life, but it feels like I'm just going on auto-pilot, as if I'm not really even there. The world around me looks so bleak. I used to be the type of person who would stop in the middle of everything just to point out to everyone around me how nice the sky looked, how pretty the clouds were, how cool a random building's architecture is. I would talk about how dreary life can be, how important it is to stop and appreciate the small things sometimes. But I no longer know how to even appreciate those things. I just feel so tired, too tired to even care.

I feel devoid of any real emotion, but the smallest things set me off and send me into a fit of rage (although I shut down pretty fast afterwards and ultimately just end up feeling even worse about myself/feeling more self-hatred for taking my emotions out on people who don't deserve it).

I've been feeling more and more that there's no place for me here, so I have a strong desire to escape. I've had that feeling for as long as I remember, wanting to get out of here, wanting to leave everything behind. But it's been out of control recently. I need to get away from here. I can't take it here anymore, I don't belong here. But is there really a place for me to even "belong" anywhere? At the end of the day, I just wanna escape from everything painful but I'll never be able to escape my own monsters.

(Mentions of suicidal thoughts below)

Every single day, I wake up and wonder how, or even if, I'll make it to the end of the day. I've started making new "plans" to end my life. I just don't know if I see any other options anymore. I'm scared of dying but I'm even more afraid of continuing to live like this.

I'm just so tired of being myself. I've had a life full of nothing but failures and I've lost basically anything and everything that's ever mattered to me. I'm tired of trying to find a way to "fill the void". I'm tired of wondering what I have to do to be most loved, of trying to adjust my outward personality accordingly so that people will love me more. There's nobody out there who would love me anyways. No matter how hard I try, I'm still just "me" at the end of the day, and that'll never be enough for anyone, no matter what I do.

I just need help. I need someone. Anyone. I feel so alone.