My boyfriend and I are constantly on and off and it drives me INSANE. We broke up a few weeks ago and just got back together...again. initally it was great because the emotions and love started running high again. I felt like I was falling in love with him all over again. But as, time goes on the fear and the same cycle repeats. Im terrified it isn't going to get better. Im terrified I'm stuck in this. I love him so much. With all of my heart. I don't want to leave and give up... but, it feels like the relationship is one sided. As in, only I care about losing him and would struggle without him. Sometimes it feels like I need him in my life. He actually feels like my other half.. he used to make me so happy. And when we dont fight and hes emotional, he DOES still make me happy but... it isnt like that often. I think that's what keeps me hooked... im like an addict... he gives me that emotional connection i crave and desire but because its unpredicable I stay and keep waiting.. but when i wait I get sad but, when I get it I light up as if its heroine... idk man. It hurts so much. 


I wish I was with someone who just loved me and showered me with it. I miss feeling attractive, desired, pursued... i wish the loving sweet texts/messages. The phone calls... him missing me and not getting enough of me. I miss it so much. Im fighting back the tears right now. I don't want to keep doing this. I dont want to feel empty in a relationship.  I dont want to feel like a burden or a bother. I want to feel loved and wanted and like a princess. I want someone to think of me and my best interest and put me first so I can do the same. I want a life partner. I'm scared he feels this way, too.

I dont want to open up anymore. I just want to close off. Everytime i speak it just makes shit worse... i feel like the bad guy. I dont feel amazing. I dont feel like im desired. I dont feel like he wants to talk to me all the time and make memories with me and happy times. I feel casted aside... like im just a toy he can pick up and put down whenever he feels like. 

Im desired by SO many men... but the one I want makes me feel rejected. It angers me. It hurts me. It feels as if its not fair. It feels like im wasting my time. I want to fucking scream. Im not sure what to do.  I want to feel free. I feel so trapped right now. My mind says one thing but my heart says another.

Why can't things go back to normal?! In a way i blame him. I blame him for how we started and the issues that brought us here. While we were broken up most recently I went on a few dates with people. It helped rebuild a little bit of my confidence. It even made me consider not going back...at least for a bit when I had time to proces, heal, and work on myself. 

Its so difficult not getting the love, attention, and reassurance I need. I try really hard to be loving and romantic and caring.. but, I'm giving up. The opposite of love isn't hate... it's indifference.  And... I'm entering that territory.  I just dont want to feel this way anymore. Why can't he fucking see how painful it is?? Why doesn't he fucking care, or show that he does? He's not my person. He's not my best friend. I dont feel like i can be my authentic self around him
I don't think i can actually rely on him.  Our relationship feels so superficial. It's disgusting. I remember my old relationships and how exes made me feel like a fucking queen. I was their end all be all. I was amazing. I was beautiful.  I was everything they wanted. They did their best to make me happy. They coveted me. I FELT coveted. I felt protected.  I felt like I had someone in my corner. Right now i feel depressed and alone. I feel trapped....  i hate myself. Im too scared to move. Im too scared to make a decision... because im scared of regetting it. Im so fucking scared. 

Where's my knight in shining armor? Where's my happily ever after? Where's my othe half...my person... my one? Where are you.