I'd [25M] like to start by saying I have not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but after aggressively reasearching it last night and today I'm convinced I will be when I seek mental health treatment. Yesterday I finally acknowledged a question I had been in denial about for as long as I can remember: why do I feel so different than most people?

Within the past year I started to address concerns that affected my life- depression and anxiety. I got treatments for that but I didn't get what I was looking for. Something was still "off". So yesterday I did what most millennials do to try and fix our problems: Googled it. 

I made sure to be very specific about my patterns in life, socially, professionally, whatever. I started getting worried when the queries yielded a lot of results containing personality disorders. No, not me. I can't have a mental illness that serious. 

It was only after my search led me to a reddit post where someone explained being diagnosed with BPD with avoidant tendencies that my heart sunk. This guy is ME. The constant rollercoaster emotional feeling everyday. The struggling to make connections with people, especially the ones most important to me. The social anxiety/restlessness. The lack of direction in life. Becoming irrationally irritable around people. Having no control over my impulses. Struggling in school and not being able to complete my degree.

I spent almost my whole life thinking I was a just a bad person. I am equally relieved and terrified. Where do I go from here? How do I tell my loved ones? My relationships with my family are terrible in my opinion even though I am well loved by my family but I feel like I don't know whether I should tell them. I want their understanding of my condition but I don't want their pity. 

