When I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I was already battling bipolar disorder and ptsd in a psych ward. Having a doctor throw another mental illness into the mix made me feel like he wasn’t listening to me and just slapping on another label I didn’t need. I was in complete denial about possibly having bpd and I’m afraid that I’ve shot myself in the foot.

I refused to seek treatment for bpd because I was angry. I didn’t want the label and the stigma. I was already feeling ashamed of dealing with the other illnesses I had and was convinced that I couldn’t possibly have another issue with myself. The denial has been pretty easy for the last 6 months, but I’ve been sober for 2 and a lot of issues I’ve denied or shoved under the rug for years are coming to an apex and destroying my sense of self and relationships. 

I almost wish I never got sober, but then I’m not really sure where I’d be then. I don’t really even know what to say right now and I really just want to scream into the void. I don’t know how to or where to start recovering from or healing myself with bpd because I only just started addressing the other problems at hand. Now it just feels like everything is collapsing in on itself and I’m emotionally trapped and stunted with no way out. 

I don’t even know how I faked a decent personality long enough to convince the people in my life to tolerate me, let alone love me. I’m fucking sick of it all. Im sad, angry, and so sorry to all of the people I’m hurting. I don’t know what to do anymore and I honestly don’t even know who I am.