I've had mild suicidal ideation for a long time. I've never come close to going through with it, but the thought of being able to die was somehow comforting.
I've been trying to find more things I want to do before I die (like learning to play my favourite piece on the piano) and holding on to them, but lately I am scared that soon enough I would entirely stop caring about anything and just let go.

I have social anxiety and it's difficult for me to make friends with new people. I haven't made much friends in uni and right now I feel pretty lonely. I do have some good friends from high school I can trust with my life, and who also actually make me like myself for a small moment. (I could never tell them what I am going through though, because I don't want to be a burden :( ).
A few years ago I worked hard and got into my dream school to study medicine. I feel like I should be proud and happy, but instead I feel empty, and I hate myself that I am not trying my best with all the opportunities in front of me. I've missed half my classes, and I'm scared I might have to repeat a year.
Maybe I'm just under a lot of stress, but I honestly don't really see hope in my future, and if there's nothing to live for, why am I even here?

Is there a way out? Some days are better, but soon enough I'd feel depressed and hopeless again :(

I'm sorry for ranting so long, but maybe someone can relate..