I have had depression for most entire life, this has left me with little to no personality. I try to act like other people by the only way I know, copying others whether real or fictional. Even changing my appearance and mannerisms to mimic whatever I am copying. I copy something for a few months then try another, rinse and repeat.

I recently am copying a fictional character. I know I am not them, but I just like how they look and act. I hate that I feel some joy in this persona. I fucking hate that I do this. I fucking hate that I can’t just act like everyone else. I want to stop, but I also don’t want to. Why, as an adult do I still do this?

Sometimes, I just want to say fuck it, “I’ll dress and act as whoever I want.” But I feel like a copy and paste. I just wonder, at what point in pretending does it become you…

Please, can someone just help me build some confidence? How can I be okay with this if I can’t change it? How can I stop the societal programing in my head to make me hate myself? How do I truly stop giving a shit about what anyone says about me?

I just want to be able to be whatever I want to be, no matter how stupid and ridiculous as it is. But I hate myself for not conforming as well. 

I hate conforming because it makes me feel fake, I hate copying because I’m scared to be seen as fake.

**TLDR: I have a messed up form of identity, and I copy people or characters because I feel comfort in that. But I feel like a imposter and I hate myself for not being like everyone else.**