So I'm BPD. Mid twenties, 2 kids, oldest is 10. He's the most sensitive, rebellious and hyper one. I think my psycho behavior affected him more than the little one, that one is just calmer by nature and doesn't get on my nerves as much and therefore isn't exposed to my mood swings as much :(. 


Some days, I feel like supermom. I'm great with them, I do everything according to the book. Then every once in a while and especially when something triggers me, they take the hit for it. I insult, scream, belittle and act like shit. Lock myself in the bathroom to cut myself, or go to my room and sleep. I hate when I act like that, I hate when I loose control. I have shared custody with their dad so every other week they stay w him. 

Every time after I cool down, I make sure to tell them I'm wrong for reacting in that way, and I tell them every single day that I love them more than anything. My mom never told/showed me she loved me, and we have a pretty non-existing relationship today, so I do think that makes a difference... or maybe I'm just lying to myself? 

Anyway, my son... He is extremely sensitive, but very intelligent for his age. He can do everything, he just doesn't want to, and that's what makes me annoyed. For example, he can't go visit his friend because he's scared that their chihuahua will jump at him or bite him, even though I tried reassuring him it won't. Today, he asked his little sister to ring the door cuz he was too scared to do it, but then he didn't even wait 10 seconds before he "fled" inside screaming. It got me so angry so I tried to force him to go, and of course he didn't, which made me even more angry, screaming at him that he's not a damn baby or a retard to behave this way... Well, you get the picture :( What the FCK do I do?! HOW can I change my behavior? I know hurling insults and shit doesn't help in any way,it makes me feel so worthless and like I should just give up custody alltogether so they don't get more damaged from me.  Any suggestions, insights, similar experiences...? 