I really came here to vent for a second. Life for me has just been almost unbearable. It truly feels like a rollercoaster. One moment things are ok, and the next things are just falling a part. I’ve lost a lot of wonderful people in my life in the course of just 2 years. Every time I’ve gotten on social media to catch up with what I’ve been missing out on, there are just events and news that are just astounding; some good and some bad.

It’s putting into perspective how life can change in just a heartbeat. One moment someone is getting married, another someone’s having a baby; one moment you hear your best friend is gone, or your brother or mother. It’s so unpredictable, and lately life has been insanely unpredictable, I almost can’t keep up anymore. It hard to be happy, when there’s a lot of sadness. Of course appreciating the happy moments can get you by, but only for a moment until sadness comes in.

Since the pandemic began. I’ve been through a break up and make up with my current boyfriend, which was exhausting to say the least. I lost an aunt that meant the world to me. The next year I lost my brother. Then the next year I lost one of my best friends. Today, I found out another one of my best friends lost their mother. I had another friend tell me she was pregnant by her abusive husband. Another aunt I’m close with told me she had a seizure and fell on her face just last week. I mean the list goes on and on. I graduated with my associate of science degree a few months ago, but it feels like I can’t even be truly happy and celebrate that feeling knowing what’s been going in my life and the world.

If you add the bullshit going on all over the world, on top of the bullshit that’s been going on in my life personally; it just feels unreal. Like, I’m apart of some nightmare or dream, and can’t wake up. It’s been unbelievable the amount of stress that’s been put on me, my friends, and family. I wanted to vent here because everyone in my life is already going through so much, and I don’t want to bombard them with talking like this.

Depression was already kicking my ass prior to all of this, but now I feel so numb and heartbroken that it’s hard to even tell if I’m depressed. It’s almost hard to cry now because I’ve shed so many tears already that I feel like none won’t come out. Although I know that I have to keep going, stay positive, and keep my head up. But, I just don’t know how right now. I feel alone, and isolated. I wish I could just not give a fuck, but it’s just not in me. My mind is constantly racing, and I just can’t seem to breath and take a break. Life is like the ocean, so full of unknowns, many scary, many beautiful, but I guess right now I’m in the scariest part of the ocean. I’m still young and have a lot more life ahead of me, but with that being said; I am terrified as to what life has in store. I guess fear is just a four letter word right?

TL;DR
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk. I am just venting about what’s been going on in my world. If you stayed to read the whole thing, you are gem and I hope life is treating you well. 🤍