I'm a 20 year old female, and since I was 11 or something I've been dealing with some stuff that are really heavy for me. I was sexually assaulted as a kid by my cousin but I didn't know how to deal with it by myself and I also didn't trust my parents enough to talk to them and seek help, that lead me to self-harm and other bad coping mechanism trough all my teenage years, from it, I believe I developed a lot of other serious issues. At 12/13 (idk) I looked for a psychologist, I went on one appointment, felt extremely uncomfortable and never came back. It's very hard for me to open up with people, it has always been, but with time it became even worse. I'm the kind of person who'd rather feel extreme pain than look for a doctor, cause it makes me feel awful in so many levels that I don't even know how to explain. For the last  years (17/18) I thought that I was getting better, but it turns out (I think) that I was just repressing my feelings really hard in order to survive them. Since I started college though (18/20) things changed. On my freshman year I started drinking and experimenting some drugs and making out with random people on a daily basis (I'm from Brazil and it's legal to drink since 18), I didnt take long for me to realize I was going down to a dark path. I stopped with those things but it turns up that I was replaced that with other stuff, I relapsed with self harm after being clean for 6 years, started isolating from my friends and suicidal thoughts came back. College became unbearable for me, and so did life, there are days (most of them) that I'd rather die than get up and complete my obligations, and I keep wondering about dissapering and fading into nothing. At first I denied that I needed help, but last year I convinced myself to look out for it, the thing is I never do. I've bolted things up to the point that I can't go out with my friends and drink anymore because I always end up drunk and spitting personal heavy stuff that I didn't want to share. I took baby steps you know, I tried looking for doctors first, then I tried calling, then I tried booking it, but it took me months to go from one stage to another. And then when I finally got there, minutes before my appointment, I gave up and went home, that was in December. Since then I ignored my problem, but as expected it always come back. Quarantine helped me to put that aside, but it will end someday, and the perspective of it makes me want to kill myself. I know I need help, I'm 100% convinced. Still I can't help myself to do it. I don't know how to talk to my family about it, without giving details, and I'm afraid that once I tell them that I need professional help I won't be able to step back on my decision. What can I do? How can I make me seek out for help? What can I do to help me open up? I don't even understand why am I so afraid to let people see through my walls.  


ps. I'm sorry if the text is confusing, English is not my first language.