Possibly a rant, maybe a trigger, I don’t know: I can’t breathe. I have a horrible nauseated tightness in my stomach all the time. I can’t focus. My OCD is out of control. I have 3-4 panic attacks every day. My teens hate me. If I try to be a good, protective parent, then I’m oppressive, manipulative, and I don’t trust them. The alternative is to give them as much freedom as they want, and be a bad parent because I’m not protecting them from the horrible outside world. That is the only way to apparently maintain any kind of cordial relationship with either of them. We know the kids are hiding stuff from us, they lie to us, and no amount of reassurance is enough to assure them that they can trust us. I honestly don’t know when I became the enemy. I would never judge them or send them away, they are literally my heart outside of my body, and I would love and support them no matter what for the rest of their lives. But that’s not enough I guess. My husband is overworked, stretched to the end of his limits, and can’t wrap his head around my mental state. I’m becoming a burden to him and I’m trying so hard to just not put my baggage out there anymore, which is just making it build up inside twice as much. My family doesn’t understand why I can’t just get over myself. I’m buried in work, took on too many outside commitments, and am barely hanging on. I just want to crawl into a hole. I don’t eat. I either sleep too much or can’t sleep at all — there is no in-between. I don’t want to be around anyone anymore. I want to go to sleep and just not wake up again. Please, if you’re going to berate me or belittle me or tell me to suck it up, please just scroll on. I have no where else to voice these things into the void.