I moved to a whole new state to live with my abusive family. I don’t know anyone here and I’m going to start a new job soon hopefully. Doing long distance with my SO and it’s killing me. I constantly feel like it’s going to end. There’s always conflict. I adore him and we planned on living together and he’s said I was the one.

I try to remind myself of the good things and tell myself that he loves me. I drive myself fucking crazy thinking of all the reasons why that wouldn’t be true and constantly feeling like he’s going to leave me. He doesn’t want to call much and we don’t talk much now. It hurts so much to feel like I care about him and that he doesn’t care about me. Right now im convinced truly that he’s going to break up with me. The days where I wait for him to talk to me feel so so long. It’s all I can think about. 

It’s literally like that dog meme where the room is on fire and im trying to be okay. One bad thought and soon im engulfed in flames and there’s all these other worries and bad thoughts around me. As soon as we have a good phone call and I feel loved again the flames go out as quickly as they started. 

I don’t know how to make friends here and I don’t know how to distract myself. Im always trying to come to terms with being alone. It doesn’t get easier. Part of me wants to break up because it’s easier than being left by him and because it hurts so much to feel like this. 

I just needed to vent and put this out there.