Hello everybody. I don't know where to start, but these last few months have been difficult due to the end of a 3 and a half year relationship, due to my fears and insurances that have been revealed as never before. I am 29 years old and she is 29. 

I had other relationships before, but with this girl everything was built slowly, with confidence and with whom we both genuinely felt a future ... the same values, goals ... I finally felt at home and safe ... I see her as the woman of my life, my best friend and the wife of our children. Even the defaults that we both had...we can find them good and understand them....i genuinely think that this is the first time i feel real love for someone, i don't know how to describe the feeling that she has in me. 

Last year and summer, despite the pandemic of covid, was spectacular. We spent a vacation together for the first time with her family, she met my grandparents (a huge step in the commitment of our relationship), we were genuinely happy for the moment we were going through. At the end of September we started to plan on living together, picking furniture and plans in general for a young couple to start their life together. 

Everything was going well until the end of October, then November and December were chaotic and started to run for both of us...we both started new jobs, she had the thesis to deliver, i entered in masters degree, the sudden death of the father of a close friend and the worst of everything ...her mother got sick. I always supported her in everything, telling her that when everything went more calm, we could be together with quality time...but, weeks went by and I started to feel (the insecurities speaking louder) her more distant, and stay in the background and my anxiety started to come in, but i didn't wanna tell her that with the fear of losing her or ad another burden to her.

Somehow, we made until December, with a few dates in between and sleeps in her house, and seemed like we could made it trough. In New Years Eve, we spent days in her house, and still felt her distant, no cuddling, no hugs, but the sex was still great...but i lacked for intimacy, and then, i tell her that we were different and i miss her harm and safe. Few days later, we talked (i still don't recall much of that talk, my anxiety levels were so high) and in the end, she break up with me and i think i agreed with her, telling that i need to discovery why i had that behavior.

Since then, I have been in therapy and learned about attachment styles and discovered traumas and fears that I didn't know I had. (I am PA with a rejection and abandonment trauma and now i can tell she is a FA with humiliation and rejection trauma). I talked to her a few times a week to find out how she is and her mother's situation ... I still like this girl very much, I worry about her and her mother's state of health (her mother and i had a good relation), wishing with all of my hear her to recover quickly. She also asks how I am and that says that she still likes me a lot. 

In one text message that sent, I said that i regret of everything, got wrong in my behavior and I was not fair for her and she is very important to me....she thanked me so much for that words, that im too very important to her and thats not my fault, we both made mistakes and we could talk later about us...but not now, she cant talk about that because of the emotional burden that she is in. I respect her to much and we would talk when she felt strength to do that. I'm feeling so bad because in the moment that she most need, I'm not there for her, and broke her heart and trust, and that ruins my heart :(

We entered April, and my anxiety is still kicking in....in one hand, i have the rush to let go everything and go to her, just to be there for her, in the other...i know we need space to both heal. She stopped talking with me, but everyday that i don't know about her breaks even more my heart. I wanna to fight for us...but i don't know how to with all of this..

I'm afraid and feel so lost right now...im so vulnerable, never felt this before for a person and want to tell her that this traumas appeared because she mean so much to me....and afraid that we both lose the person that could heal our wounds and lead us to a secure emotional attachment. I have read and talk about this with my therapist this past couple months, to embrace the beginning of this self-love and healing journey.

TL;DR- Short story, I'm a anxious person by nature, and finally all the thinks in the relationship with this girl we're making feel safe and with a future. Because of all the events that occurred in a short period of time, especially the disease of her mother she became more cold, but never stop loving me on her language, and my PA (I didn't know I was) lead me to became scared of losing her and lead to a break up in a worst time for her, when she need support. I'm feeling so lost and a bad person because my behavior was not me, and hurt the person that I love the most.

Thank you for reading this, and sorry for my English, i know that its now perfect. I hope that you all stay strong in your battles and healing journeys with anxiety.

Much love to you all