Hey, looking for some support on where I am right now. Because I’m just not sure.

It started June 5th. I only remember the date because I had an event I was going to. Anyways, I went to the thing and afterwards I was just feeling on TOP OF THE WORLD. It quickly escalated over a few hours to feeling better than everyone else. I was extremely judgmental, quick to anger, but mostly just feeling amazing. Yeah, I realized after the fact that it was mania. I don’t know how to exactly describe it, all I can really remember is feeling so much better than everybody else 24/7 and judging my friends for every little thing they did, thinking of myself as better than them for it. I also thought (even though I have been clinically diagnosed with BPD) that I had no mental issues whatsoever and I was just this perfect little person with no problems. I thought I was happy, I thought I was getting better, I thought my meds were working, but no. It was all just mania. And then, one night, I just spiraled into depression. Deep, relapse, almost suicidal depression. It was awful for a few days, then it evened out to just bad. That lasted for another month but the problem is I can’t tell if it’s over. I think it’s over. But then where does that leave me??

Do I just feel this bad all the time normally? This depressed normally? This unmotivated, unhappy, unstable normally? This is normal? I thought I was getting better. I thought I was finally happy. Do I just not get that? I don’t understand. Please, has anyone else had similar long-lasting episodes? How do you know when it’s over and how do you cope with accepting reality? I just want to talk to somebody. Anything helps.