My last psych told me that basically most people with BPD or BPD like traits/tendencies eventually just grow tired of their own shit and the havoc they cause.. And you know I thought I was sort of there.. I mean I am a million times better than I've been in the past. There's much improvement and I know how to better handle my emotions and take a second to consider what is going on and whatever you know??

Well I met a guy on the weekend, and apart from the fact that I guess I apparently like guys more than I thought I did my mind just went into total BPD annihilation mode. I had the best time I've had in a long time, but as soon as I got home I started instantly thinking of all the things I could possibly think of as to why I should RUNNNNN. He's so much better than me, why would he ever want someone like me? I have so many dirty secrets, there's no way anyone could ever accept them and love me for me. He deserves better 100. No I should just ghost him now, even though he's still talking to me. Wtf I said I couldn't do a relationship with a guy anyway, what am I doing?

Man it's just a vicious fucking cycle of self denigration and the assumption that others think in black and white like I do and are cold and callus and could never love me. 

Lol this shit fucking sucks. I'm trying SOOO hard to be cool. I just hope my projections I'm trying so hard to ignore don't end up being true.. fml