Idk how long this is going to be so yeah. I’ve had social anxiety for many many many years, but it became a disorder when I was 9-10. I would make excuses to not hang out with people or go to family events, and I couldn’t talk in a group of people, nor talk to strangers. It got progressively worse the following years and school was hell. I started feeling depressed when I was 12 due to a toxic and abusive friendship. Again it got worse over the next year, but I was still able to get through the day and talk to people and stuff, I just didn’t really get joy in anything and didn’t see a future. When I was 13 my dog passed away, which was the single most painful thing I’ve had to go through, and the following months I became more and more depressed, doing less and less until I wouldn’t get out of bed for days.
Multiple doctor and hospital visits later I was on meds and was being followed by a clinic. The meds didn’t work nor did the clinic do anything. Months went by, and instead of feeling like I’m drowning I became numb. The meds changed to Zoloft which aren’t working, and I’m seeing a psychiatrist which also doesn’t help. I do my best every day to pretend I’m okay and take care of my animals and do what my parents tell me to, all the while I’m exhausted both mentally and physically and have suicidal and self-harming thoughts. By the end of the day I don’t have the nerve to care for myself, and thinking of going back to school terrifies me to the point of planning out my death. I don’t feel like crying all the time, nor do I lie in bed all day unable to get up. I barely feel anything anymore. Really only hopelessness, anxiety, and anger. The days just blend together and every night I hope I don’t wake up, and every morning I hate that I did. I feel like I’m faking