Hey guys, this may get abit long so ill blast through as much as possible 

I met a girl, lets call her Wednesday in September last year after matching on tinder, a few hours later she comes over and we sleep together, one of the worst sexual experiences ive had, regretted having her come Over, 20 minutes later we start talkinh about only fans and said she could use content of us on only fans and she transfers me some cash (lil back story i have $15 to last me the next week and in a fair amount of debt)
Fast forward to a few hours, shes now agreed to pay me to fuck her and choke her out, frw hours later she leaves and my debts are cleared and I have a decent chunk of cash in my account left. Girl starts coming over a few times a week, i hated spending time with her at first, she was just fucked in alot of ways, but we vibe on a mutual connection of music and i guess being morbid and romanticizing suicide 🤷‍♀️ healthy right?
But you know im an opportunist and shes going to give her cash to someone right why not me? (yeah i know plently of reasons lol). But shes coming over and i think we fuck like 3 times before its such a turnoff to me my dick just didnt wanna work so i start making excuses but i still eanna get paid you know so ill just choke Wednesday out without fucking her and she can still pay me my 2k for each time she drops out 🤷‍♀️ i mean shes not after the sex, she wants to feel like shes dying, so its a win win 😅 this goes on for about a month, over this month wednesday stops being so fucked with alot of the things she does cause they're just defence mechanisms shes put up, and shes actually a dope fucking person, who knew 🤷‍♀️ so i forget about all the things that turned me off her and we just wibe out together in the way we would, which was be super depressed and getting constantly high and talking on the phone like 24/7 pretty much taking turns of being suicidal or trying to be super supportive of each other to stop the other from O'Ding a good balance you know. By this time shes no longer working and just blowing through her money so i stop her from giving me anymore money and we just try to a support person for each other, starts doing pretty well and flushes all her drugs and i come out and got rid of all her other drug stuff she had but you know things are, people be people doing people things and she decides to take a bunch of different prescription meds, throws up blood for 3 days and refuses to go to the hospital because she doesn't wanna be out in a pysch ward, she missed a few calls from so i thibk shes just with her dogshit father or something but nah shes just throwing up blood too much, messages me the next morning apologizing though, which i hadnt seen until i was at the police station later that night cause i guess throwing up blood for 4 days was a tad longer than she thought so she hung herself 👌
Well fuck. I guess thats that. So i just tell myself it is what it is and no amount of 9 hour phone calls would havr changed her mind, forcing her to the hospital wouldnt have actually helped, and i try to focus on other asoects of my life that are also crumbling but arent completely fucked just yet, but i guess that lasted maybe a month before i just fell into a phase im calling the "fuck it stage" and apparently its been like 3 months of me suppressing everything and just being high 24/7 and there was some cracks in that high last night and some things bled through and im abit perplexed, thinking about things with wednesday she seemed to be in her own stage of fuck it and well i thought maybe things were getting better but im good at lying to myself i guess, cause i feel things are only going to get waaaay worse and may end up like Wednesday after all 🤷‍♀️
I dunno what the post will achieve. I dunno if this is just venting or kinda wanting advise i have no idea, maybe its just to have this not be bouncing around my head all night🤷‍♀️ thanks for coming to my ted talk of woe is me traumas