My husband and I have been struggling a lot and we've been going back and forth on getting a divorce for months now, partially due to my intense emotions and partially because of whatever is going on with him that's causing him to be so back and forth. 

Recently we went through a whole month of "this is over" and then about a week ago he started talking about being torn. I sort of felt torn but more about how I wish he could have been more than he actually has been to me.

Every hoop he has asked me to jump through, I have. I literally stopped having breakdowns because he said they put our marriage on the line. When I started asking him to put the same effort I've been putting into this marriage (go to therapy, see a psychiatrist) because his violent behavior was unacceptable he decided we just needed a divorce. When I asked him to put more effort into staying sober and saving money, he decided he wanted a divorce. And then it was "never mind, I want to stay" and me and my BPD said "okay!"

Well now I think he has pushed me too far. I've never been pushed too far before. Not like this. I've never purposefully ended a relationship with anyone ever. I don't know if people with BPD are even capable of that. All I've known is that I have BPD and everyone leaves me. Now all of the sudden, I want to be the one to leave. 

Has anyone experienced this? I'm sure people have, I've just never read anything about it or talked to anyone about it.