It’s just this constant game of “is it me or him.” Because he knows how I am and uses it as an excuse to emotionally abuse me, paint me as crazy, etc. it’s such a mind fuck because I know I was NEVER stable before him and I’ve always been like this, it’s just extra bad now. 

I got in this really young and now it’s been 4 years. It took a long time to realize his shit is not my fault. A trauma bond is addictive, intermittent cycles of being mean and nice gets you addicted, it’s so fucking hard to get out of it. I tried twice. But I also don’t want to get out, like I do but I don’t. I still love him idk why and he claims he loves me, but it’s “not real love” like everyone tells me, but I don’t fucking know. 

I feel ruined by him because I know if I leave, I’ll compare everybody else to him and just miss him. And he says if I get a new bf he will just “steal me back” because he knows I’ll say yes 🙄he’s probably right. I feel ruined because I know if I’ll meet somebody I’ll just wanna have sex right away to fill a void, because I crave physically touch and “intimacy”, but it might not mean anything to them and maybe they’ll just see me as a sl00t. Since with my relationship now, it was always so sex focused, like any time he wanted sex I just was “required” to do it.