Just writing out my thoughts a little bit, maybe someone can relate.

I take every little sign as a possibility for abandonment, even if it's outside of my control. I can be best friends with someone but as soon as something external changes (we don't have classes together anymore, they're going on exchange for a year), I immediately fear that they're going to drop me right off the bat, replace me in an instant, leave me behind and find someone better. 

Yeah some of that comes from a history of being abandoned out of nowhere and childhood issues, but a lot of that also comes from finding it so hard to believe I have inherent value as a human being. My core beliefs seem to be; They're not friends with me because I'm a good friend, they don't really care about me, I'm not actually someone who's worth their time; I'm just convenient, close by, useful (also explains why I'm practically a doormat to everyone and terrified of starting conflict or standing up for myself), and as soon as something *external* changes, or as soon as anything happens, any conflict or misunderstanding, I don't believe that I'm worthwhile enough for them to stick around. So I freak out and feel abandoned over every little factor I can't control that can affect my relationships with people. 

I always have to have it worst because I don't think I deep down believe that I'm a good person. No matter how hard I try. I had a few episodes in the past where I was agonising over whether I'm just a bad person, and it's still a negative belief I have with myself. 

If I'm unable to help a friend out, even if it's outside of my control; if I make a mistake or say something wrong, I see myself as inherently bad and not deserving of their time or attention, I see myself as simply a *terrible,* selfish, human being from their point of view, which only makes it all the more believable that they don't like me and they're going to abandon me instantly, and also explains why I always try to overcompensate, over explain myself, why I'm clingy and jumpy and anxious all the time trying to prove myself, but I just can't. 

I need to start working on taking care of an inner self I have that can't let go of these beliefs. I also need to start believing that I can take care of myself and find validation in myself rather than jumping hoops and fences just to prove myself to others just to feel okay. 