…before I end it all.

What am I living for? My brain can’t even picture a future where I still exist anymore. I can’t see anything past a few weeks from now at a time. My therapist asks me what I want from the future or who I picture myself being, even next year around the same time. I can’t even see it. Or all I see is the same person I see now, nothing having changed. Because this is always how it’s been for the last while. 

I don’t see the point in investing in myself because it’s a losing game. That’s why I stopped trying because there’s no winning here. I tried and tried, I killer myself trying to be what people would want and I ended up back where I started from. Then I thought, ok maybe just be real with people, finally be your true self. That back-fired as well. Nobody wants me for me. I had to go back to pretending and it seems to work but I feel empty inside. No one wants who I am so I have to pretend again just to maintain any sort of friendship with people. 

I feel dead inside. There’s nothing for me here. I stand on the sidelines watching everyone find happiness and I’m left behind. Soon everyone will forget about me and I’ll disappear. Why do I keep having to wake up each morning in this Groundhog Day life? What is the point of me existing? 

It’s only a matter of time before I jump off my condo building. I don’t know what’s keeping me here anymore.