TW: self harm, alcoholism, suicide

TL;DR: rose up out of suicide hell and aced my final year of training for becoming a vet tech.

Today, I finally completed my 4 years of training to become a vet tech. It normally takes only 3 years, but because of events, that I shall explain in more detail in a second, I had to add one more year to my training.

In 2017, I started this training, with the dream of becoming a full grown vet doc one day, but to say I was full of motivation to do so back then, would've been a blatant lie. I was 18 at the moment and already pretty much an alcoholic. I spent about 100€ per week on alcohol (the very cheap kind). Most days at work and school, i was hungover. So much so, in fact, that one day one of my teachers, whom I will talk about again later, even asked me, if I was taking drugs, because most of the time during school i was sleeping. He was concerned for my health. Of course, I told him I just had trouble sleeping (the usual excuses).

Midway through 2018, I also started self harming (I stole scalpels from the vet I was working at) and suicidal thoughts became more and more frequent. I noticed the more I drink, the more suicidal thoughts and tendencies to self harm I got... So I began drinking more. It became a test, to see how far I could push myself until I finally break, all the while keeping up a happy face for my friends and family.

 In 2020, when my then FP broke up with me (for like the 4th time haha), I finally snapped. I was like warped into a different dimension. At that moment, I was talking about nothing else than killing myself. No more masks.

I got sent to the psych ward for about 2-3 weeks, during which I got my BPD diagnosis. When they released me, I felt like the happiest guy in the world. Like a new man. But that was only a prelude for what was going to happen.

2 weeks after coming out of the ward, I sunk into the absolute deepest suicide pit, I have ever been in. I went completely silent and finally ordered a rope off of amazon (yeah, I know how ridiculous that sounds). In the evening before my rope arrived, I made all the preparations. Made my "suicide-letter-videos", which I planned to send to my FP (toxic as fuck, I know). She actually called me right as I was filming them. She knew what was up and I noticed that she was silently crying. She tried to talk me out of it, but I wasn't having none of that (one of my biggest regrets). I got drunk as fuck, started cutting all over my right arm and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning (the day i planned to kill myself), my mum came into my room with an amazon package in her hands. It was damaged and you could see what was in it (you guess what it is). I got sent back into the ward. This time for 4 months and the first few weeks were absolutely brutal. I was constantly under the influence of calming pills, as they were waiting for me to snap out of my episode (it was basically impossible to convince me of accepting therapy).

It took a lot of therapy and once I was out I had to restart the final year of my vet tech training. Only this time with a fighting spirit, I didn't even know I had in me, though it was still a tough fight. I have big problems with concentrating on stuff and I am still fighting with self harm and big fucking mood swings, with a little bit of suicidal thoughts here and there.

Overall tho, I improved big time. I quit alcohol altogether (still sober to this day), lost 20 kg and my gpa skyrocketed to a point, which -one year prior- I wouldn't have deemed possible for me to achieve. I was either getting "2"s or "1"s (with "1" being the best and "6" being the worst). Today was my practical exam and I passed it with a "1,2".  I got my Certificate and even a Commendation, but what got me the most was when the teacher, whom I was talking about earlier, plus another teacher (whom I have known since I was a toddler) both told me, how proud they were, that even with what happened a year ago, I still managed to go through this final year with absolute success. I damn near cry every time someone says "I'm proud of you" and this time it was two people at once!

Anyway, this post has been way longer than I planned it to be and I apologize for any mistakes, since english is my second language. If you have made it to this point, thank you for listening to my story. I hope y'all having a dope ass time!