Whenever we have a fight and it doesnt go the way i want it to, i do splitting. And like i try to hold it back and i am aware of what is wrong with me but sometimes the situation is just too bad.

I turn into this savage and just say the most horrendeous stuff (stuff about me not being his type and telling him to just leave me; hmm and some other stuff but i like dissociate so i cant really recall what else i say). 

NOW FOR THE STUPID PART: He is into psychology and reads books about human mind. And even though i tell him a billion times that he CANT believe those things, he is like “ye but i read psychology books and they say there is always truth to those things blah blah blah”.

Yesterday was the worst episode of my entire life (i am being real thats why i write it). I told him i wanna kill myself and of course he took it seriously. Now, a day later he is still absolutely broken and i dont know what to do. Because of dissociating i recover like immediately. Oh drama over? Aight im happy. He does not. He thinks he is bad for me and that our relationship is making me want to kill myself. 

Him acting cold and broken towards me is also triggering me and im trying so hard not to go crazy and defensive again. Because it feels like he is punishing me. Luckily, i have learned a lot from him and know that this human actually has a heart and he is just upset. 

WHAT TO DO