I am 30F and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. And I know I need to consult with a medical professional and I will but it just occurred to me right now that I might have a personality disorder. 

I just got out of a seven year on off relationship and it never gets easier when he breaks up with me. He comes back hoping I would change but we would argue and he would feel the old resentment again and leave. 

I have these intense emotions that I have a very difficult time controlling. I get angry very easily. When I release my anger, it goes away very quickly. When he wronged me in the beginning of our relationship, I treated him very badly. I pushed him away and would tell him things like he wasn’t the one for me and I would never be able to forgive him. I would cry, be dramatic, and send him these long text message conversations going on and on about what he did wrong and how he hurt me. He wouldn’t stop fighting for us but I just had so much resentment and I was very mean. I would try to break up with him but would come back after calming down. Then the dynamic shifted and he was the one to break up with me and come back. 

I realize that I am toxic. That our relationship is toxic. But do I have BPD or was it just our relationship? 

I am unstable with my family too. Both my boyfriend and family described being around me as “walking on eggshells.” They never know when I will get upset or hurt at something they’ve said. I can be very mean and cruel when I want to be. 

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I keep pushing him away and I think he is gone for good. But I want to change or else I will never have healthy relationships. 