Helloooo so I obviously don’t want to be medication reliant (at least for more things than I already have to be) but my derealization and disillusionment about life has been so unbearable lately. I’ve gone to my therapist about it but grounding techniques and talking just isn’t helping. I can’t shake the feeling that nothing is real and nothing I do matters. 

It’s not just uncomfortable but also inhibiting my life as I’ve been involuntarily careless and irresponsible with money becuz my brain doesn’t register an importance to the future, only seeking instant gratification. I cannot stand to be alone by myself or left unstimulated. Practicing mindfulness has turned into a nightmare rather than a grounding strategy and I’m just at a loss. 

BEFORE ANYONE MENTIONS ANY: plz don’t suggest any SSRI’s or antidepressants such as lexapro or Zoloft. I’m currently on lamictal and seroquel and any sort of antidepressant tends to send me into mania. I have valium which works really well for me for taking as needed for panic attacks so I’d hate to lose that in exchange for a daily anti anxiety med. It’s not even necessarily a constant anxious feeling. Just a lack of judgement and conscience and motivation just “everything is fake so why bother?” The calmness and warmth from benzos is really the only thing that makes me feel ok. But I don’t want to become reliant. I can already feel my tolerance rising and I don’t want to become reliant on them but I don’t want to lose them. 

I know that was a lot to read and you all probably don’t care but I can’t get into see my psychiatrist for a bit and just don’t even know what to tell him. Can someone help me feel ok with being by myself??