I’m sure other people have greater issues. But I guess that could apply to anyone…Fck, okay.


Soo, I’ve had a suicide date scheduled for my 21st birthday since I was in middle school. Maybe even before then…Well, I’m now about half a year past that date…I met a guy who I thought could help but I find nothing is making me feel like im..well idk. I feel cold. I feel numb to my hobbies and family dynamics . Ik that my ED contributes. Im aware, but it’s more then that. So much more. I’ve changed and I’ve ate more and my body felt better but it was as if my mind was just fractured. Like it’s fixated on ending everything. The funny thing is…I see suicide as such a pussy move. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im going through it and im fully aware what I just typed. Ik it’s hard. Ik. Life is hard. To turn from it is taking the “easy” way out. Everyday I’m forced to confront everything: people, plants, bugs, soil, air, food…life ig in general. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I don’t want to go to work. I have to. I don’t want to eat. I have to. I just want to exist without having to interact with everything., I can’t help but feel this relentless urge to just…off myself? It’s almost like a twisted love I suppose. I’m now back on my ED bullshit and the thoughts are still their… only amplified b/c ik what im doing to myself. But I- I love it? B/c I’m killing myself haha, ugh fuck I’m struggling more with bulimia but it’s drastically starting to change to anorexia. It’s so stupid. I hate it but I love it. I do. And ik I can seek help. Ik exactly what I have to go do. I know what I can do to start my life up but every time I’m stepping up in life I’ve purposefully sabotaged things. I was going to get my driver license ID last month and purposefully delayed learning how to drive..Nothing got in my way. I mean for fucks sake I look white, my moms a Saint sure my family has a couple fucked up bastards but who’s doesn’t?? Nobody’s addicted to hard drugs, school was easy, graduated top of my class, I wasn’t bullied in fact I was beloved and seen as that friendly dork like relatively speaking.. my life is good. So tell me why I’m so obsessed with this damn ‘thing’? What’s wrong with me, why can’t I sake these damn thoughts. I don’t understand. I’ve tried to do better and things get better but then it’s like I just switch and I don’t want to fuckin be here anymore. Honestly the only reason why I’m sticking around is because my mom. She needs help with my brothers. I exchanged my Driving appointment to get them their IDs. I’ve saved over 5k just to spend on the move that’s coming up. I don’t feel like I exist here. And this is numbing to say but.. I don’t feel I’m doing these things out of love..I feel I’m preparing them to take things over when I’m gone. Like setting up the stage…The thing is…I don’t have plans to actually do that. I’ve nv even attempted. I don’t know why these thoughts are their…I guest that’s why I’m finally trying this out, reaching out…