I don’t know if I have BPD or not.. never been diagnosed, but never been tested, either.

To be honest, I’m not even quite sure why I’m posting or opening up about some personal stuff in a reddit post but.. maybe just to vent? Maybe I’m seeking help? Idk..

I’m a male. 30y/o. My wife of 9 years has told me on various occasions that she “knows something is wrong with you (disorder wise) but I don’t know what exactly.” I never put much stock into it. But recently, she has been getting fed up with my actions and attitudes towards her, and towards everything in general. I can clearly see that she is upset and reaching her limit emotionally of what she can handle before she just gives up and leaves..

Idk. This isn’t a sob story “woe is me” etc. I guess idk where to go next.. I guess I could just ramble about things I’ve noticed about myself over the years..

I rarely (and by rarely, I mean *RARELY*) have any sort of emotions.. except perhaps anger(?). Even when I should. And I *know* I should. Things just.. don’t affect me. Not sure if when I was younger I just taught myself to suppress my emotions and wall them off to prevent myself from being hurt (or some other reason?), and it accidentally evolved into a permanent mental state, or if it’s something else. I’m just always empty. When I was a child, I had so much empathy for virtually anyone and everything. I remember that specifically. I don’t remember when that stopped. I just don’t feel anything, virtually ever, for myself or anyone else. I only remember maybe a handful of times since being married where I’ve opened up and had a good flow of emotion (mostly extreme sadness) for maybe an hour period of time. 

That being said, I’m aware of every situation where I’m supposed to feel specific emotions, but just.. don’t. I just “act” I guess you could say. I pretend to visibly and verbally portray the correct emotions so that I appear normal and connected, but I still don’t feel anything.

For some reason, though, my anger tends to come through very often and easily (never physically abusive). I get super annoyed, irritated, and angry with *VERY* minor and trivial things. Virtually zero patience. I just feel overwhelmed at a lot of things and tend to just give up because in my mind there’s no possible way to fix certain things or climb out of holes. But at the same time I can be incredibly docile and calm in the same type of scenarios. It’s bizarre. 

I also have social anxiety, varying from minor to intense depending on the situation, but usually more so with people who aren’t in my immediate social circle. I get extremely anxious and nervous. No idea why. It’s been like that for a very long time. I just don’t feel good enough for people, or like they don’t like me or care what I have to say. But at the same time, I feel smarter than them and like I can do any task better than anyone at any given time. I think this is where the irritation and impatience stems from maybe(?). It hinders my work as well as my personal life. 

But back to the feeling of emptiness; it causes so many issues, especially in my marriage. My wife will want to have sex, and I just.. won’t. It’s not an “attraction” thing. It’s not a “I’m sick of you/your body/I don’t care about you anymore” thing. It’s genuinely just a “I don’t feel anything emotionally at this moment in time” which prevents me from wanting to partake in anything sexual, because even if I *do* want to have sex right then, I don’t know that I do or don’t. Literally just empty inside. But try explaining that to your spouse/significant other.. it just hurts them because they can’t fathom that that’s actually how you’re feeling and that it isn’t “something else”. Recently, my wife has concluded that I must be aggressively watching porn, or emotionally connecting with another woman, causing an emotional disconnect/rift between my and her. And I know that should make me feel like shit, but again, I just feel empty.. which in turn causes more issues because than she thinks her concerns are validated because it appears that I just “don’t care”. 

I’m very prone to procrastination, although I get spurts where I just go absolutely hard and get a ton of things done, just to completely stop for weeks, even months at a time again. And I’m not talking small things. I’m talking house cleaning, lawn care, daily activities that should be normal as the rising sun. But I don’t fee anything so I just.. don’t care(?).

I also play video games pretty heavily. Maybe even to an addictive level. Hours upon hours. Where I neglect to do other things. I’m not sure if I use it as an escape from reality, or because I feel compelled to partake in the repetitive nature of gaming. Maybe it makes me feel “safe”(?). Maybe my brain likes it because it’s something I can control and has set rules and outcomes. No surprises. Idk.

I know that I have a lot more that I’m forgetting or missing out in this horrendously long, ramble of a post, but I’ll stop here. 

Idk..

I’m just.. struggling to know who I am anymore. I want to be “a” person. I just.. can’t figure out how. And it sucks that I’m bringing other people down emotionally for things I can’t even explain or control. Even writing this entire post out and reading it over, I just feel nothing. It’s all just words. 

Idk. Thanks for the vent. Sorry for anyone’s time wasted on trudging through this post.