At the moment, and for the last few days, I've been realising the thing I really loved doing workwise and the subject of my masters' - policy for human rights organisations - is very difficult to get into, given very specific types of experience requested on vacancies, short term funding for 1-2 years if you're lucky with no guarantee of more, lots of unpaid internships in expensive cities, etc etc. 

I'm also not hugely thrilled about the idea of civil service jobs given the horrible culture and extreme competitiveness. And I think my confidence is utterly shot to shit by historic abuse, I've been unemployed since Jan 2020 with an exception of a commission in part of 2021, I'm living at home, almost 35, neighbours are extremely noisy and genuinely upsetting with how much their constant banging rattles through the entire building, parents argue often - it's just too much. Sometimes it's just too much. I don't sleep well, developed anxiety problems from 31 and the last time I had an interview, I never slept at all the night before and spent the entire thing terrified I was going to have an anxiety attack during, one came on slightly at last work coach meeting.

I hate, hate being on universal credit and the pressure is mounting to get any job, I'm not a snob about service work but with a few exceptions, the thought of dealing with overly entitled customers, exploitative bosses, or both - or five days a week in a call centre - just makes me want to wink out of existence. (I'm not suicidal, I couldn't put my family through that, and I can find some joy in some escapism, but it doesn't work all that often. Haven't had sex in forever, most of my friends are not i the same city or not going out anymore / covid stops that anyway.

Lost all my fitness which was a nice thing I could reflect I at least had control over though I can hopefully get that back on track at least, but also lost my optimism and confidence around my career path - it especially hurts as I had a policy officer role for a few years, part-time and hourly rate only, but I loved the work so much. Though there were manipulative executives as well who added further damage to my existing mental health problems around self-worth and self-image.

I desperately want to move somewhere new and warm and sunny (I'm in Scotland) and start fresh, get some kind of nice job even if not career based that doesn't feel like a monumental grind, but visa options for me seem non-existent. I also have gaps in my CV and, I suspect, not enough experience for someone my age, though work coaches etc keep telling me different, I don't know how true that is. I've done some cool things but not many.

Trying to focus on some social sporting options a few times a week, gym classes, and improving my diet, and hoping my ex-boss comes through with a nicer sounding part-time job in a service role than some other roles (I like him and he likes me which also helps), but I think it's still going to be intensely depressing to just not be working on policy anymore. And I think my anxiety stops me from more direct youth support roles. And it just feels like there's nowhere to escape all this. I spent stupidly and though I'm not in the red, my credit card is almost maxed out and my current account is virtually empty.

Really hoping this phase passes but the sheer resilience of neoliberalism and the sort of workplace and economic inequalities just screwing the poor over everywhere you look doesn't fill me with hope. Most of my friends and coworkers have gone onto more secure and fulfilling jobs as well and I try not to compare, but it's difficult not to. Probably the most depressed and trapped-feeling I've ever been.

Any tips, insights or just thoughts to make this all seem less overbearing are much welcome.