insane rambling ahead none of this will make sense hehe

my loved ones only mean the best when they tell me they love me and dont want me to die but it's just become another weight. i feel so trapped. i want to kill myself without fear but thats also impossible because i have an intense fear of dying so unless god is gracious one day i ll be numb to it all and finally go. I'm on a self destructive warpath and i know it and i dont know if anyone else knows but i hope they notice soon and decide to leave because they cant handle it so i can be free to die. I'm trapped here because they want me here but i dont blame them for that and i still love all of them

life isnt even all that bad i like watching geese walk around and i watch ants do their thing it's just being a human is lame as fuck. I have no interest in living like this trapped in a concrete wasteland working a job that contributes nothing to the world or myself. Id be ok being useless to the world if i got to do something that had meaning to me but to do any of that id have to be in school, have a lot of perseverance and/or talent and not be crippled by mental illness lmfao. even then if i got to do something meaningful i doubt it'd be able to pay for my medications. when i was first diagnosed with diabetes i was around 2 years old and the doctor said i had a cold before we went to the er. I wish my parents believed i just had a cold. and now APPARENTLY i have ADD and depression which require medications (these meds barely work right now cus fuckin aye nothing ever works  for a man like me (: huh)

motivation and perseverance and whatever wouldnt even matter in the end because i always give up and/or things dont work out. Everything i do is for naught. i can barely focus on the video games i enjoy, and i want to try and make enough art so i could at least make some pennies off of it but fuck im so inactive and rarely finish things so i cant have a presence on social media. i like filling my time with random hobbies with these big frivolous goals in the end and i abandon those too because i lose interest. I am worthless and spineless and it wont get better because to get better you need to stick to it but i cant stick to anything 

i work less than 20 hours a week and i can barely handle it. I worked a little over 20 hours for a brief period of time before i started skipping and acting out at work. im lucky i didnt get fired lmfaoooo. I dropped out of this cool post secondary program because i couldnt do the work or pay attention long enough  or handle going to and from the places i had to be even though i genuinely did like the shit we were doing in it. i couldnt keep up. I cant go back to school because i have no money and if i had money during school thatd  mean i have to be working but considering i can barely handle going out once a fucking week thats uh LOL and if i did get into school id probably end up dropping out again anyway!!!

i thought i was in a great relationship and then it ended so i threw out my five year plan for that. I am doing everything in my power to make him go away and i think it s working but i dont want to lose him completely but my brain is making me do things i dont want to do and im so out of control. I cant treat my friends the way i want to and i want to be fun again but i feel incapacitated. i dont feel real

it frustrates me that it seems like everyone else can just grin and bear it. do they think i want to be this way??? i didnt grow up thinking i was going to end up  a fucking loser but here we are. i WANT to be better i fucking do but rock bottom breaks bedrock into the fucking void i guess. some people get to travel up but others will keep falling. and im sick and fucking tired of hearing that ONE DAY i ll be okay. i fantasize that there wont be a ONE DAY i do not have the patience to wait a day for some new event in a game to release how could i be patient enough to wait until i dont wanna hang myself every day. and what if that ONE DAY is fucking years from now. then i ll be a full blown adult expected to have my shit together but i'll probably be regressing back into a whiny child again

fuckin pathetic xoxoxo

im 19 really soon so i ll be able to have weed legally. maybe that will help