Well, my FP officially has given up on me.
He thinks I’m this hateful bitch and maybe I am. Maybe I deserve to leave this planet. I’ve ruined every relationship and friendship in sight, going to work everyday is a FUCKING nightmare battle in my mind, no one has stayed, no one will stay, I am 27 and simply can’t fight anymore.
   I surrender to it. I can’t fucking win. You’re tattooed to my brain at this point and it feels like there’s no way out. 
   It’s as if a darkness takes over my brain every couple days.. or hours.. depending on what goes on.. the darkness speaks to me, “your boyfriend is currently flirting with someone else. everyone at your job hates you. you’ll never be enough for anyone. everyone leaves you. everyone WILL leave you. remember all those terrible things that happened? remember all of those terrible things you did?”

I have a therapist, I’ve given it 3 years, at first she thought I just had CPTSD, but here I am, still dealing with an IMMENSE amount of pain and I’m convinced there’s no solution. I did CBT therapy for 2 years and I just got a DBT workbook , my therapist and I are starting DBT today, I saved up and scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist…but I don’t have hope.
My hope is gone, and the light is nowhere to be seen.

I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, she diagnosed me a few weeks ago and my life has almost gotten worse, as much as I feel relieved… is that normal??