hi,

so I am going through a breakup during this which makes it feel 100x times harder. I was diagnosed with BPD yesterday. My brain just cant cope, this doesnt feel real. Of course it all makes sense, you know, I check every box, but I dont want this. I dont want to know I couldve had someone tell me this years ago and I wouldnt have ruined my relationship or treated everyone I know so hot and cold and confusing.

I cant stop thinking about my ex no matter what. Everyone tells me to just have a distraction but I think about him the entire time anyway. I wish this pain would stop. I wish my brain could just be normal and let me live. 

I self harmed, and Ive been thinking so much about suicide. I dont want to live with this diagnosis. I dont want to hurt people forever. I dont want to have relapses. I dont want to live a life without my ex.

We talked on the phone for a few hours, and please dont tell me to not do this. But, we talked about everything in our relationship, how we both took everything as a personal attack and how its upsetting we can sit here and say everything that was needed to be said now. I dont want to learn this lesson now. I want to go back in time and tell myself this lesson.