I take Ativan twice a day. It keeps the paranoia and mania under control. But that, combined with nicotine, has dulled so much of my feelings. My passion, my excitement, my frustration. There was so much bad, but there was euphoria. Now, it's just a constant middle ground, that occasionally swings between "spend too much" and "cry all day". Is this how it's supposed to feel? Neutral?

I'm so frustrated. I can't write, because I don't have the feelings to express. My words jumble up like they never did before. My primary way of expressing myself is gone.

I'm heavily considering tapering off my Ativan because it is technically as needed, and I know if I cut my doses in half I should be okay. I'm on the lowest dose possible. Do I want to go back to that range? Do I want to impact others like that again? Do I want the urge to steal back? Do I want to be able to write and sing and dance and get chills and feel my heart burst in my chest? Everything is a trade off. I don't know what's worth it.

I wish I had been born 'normal'.