 *I already posted this on* r/BPD*, but please allow me to repost here to have a larger set of opinions*

This is not a venting post, I seriously need advice!

I am 24 yo male who has been diagnosed with BPD for around a year now (I'm not even sure how accurate this diagnosis is, but there seems to be a consensus given the large number of therapists I've been to). I cannot cope with work. I am also a PhD student who should be in their third year now, but I paused my studies last year till I figure this out. I'm not going to talk about the sheer amount of pure pain I have to go through on a daily basis just to survive, because this is not why I'm writing. The reason I paused my studies is that I basically couldn't work, which is naturally a result of my state of course. This has been the case for quite some time now, maybe around a year before I decided to take my break. During this year (while I was still a student), I tried working with multiple therapists and psychiatrists to at least solve the problem of being functional but I failed. I took a break to address the problem more freely and again failed. I despise therapists with every ounce of my heart, and I literally disagree with any suggestion that is spouted by them, and with the basic foundations and underlying assumptions upon which many modes of therapy are built. This bias is definitely the reason therapy doesn't work, but I just find it extremely difficult to trick myself into believing something that is just absolutely ridiculous and maintaining this belief for long. I eventually break. I am also surrounded by a terrible support system of friends and family who "love me". At this point I am not even sure what this means to them, but to me, it means nothing. Their presence or absence from my life will make absolutely no difference. Their "love" to me is a meaningless concept.

As my language above indicates, I am quite hopeless. Therapy doesn't work and surroundings do not work. Suicide is a very valid option. The only reason I am not committing suicide is a religious one. To clarify, for me, suicide is basically a sin; basically like killing someone else. I would do it if I manage to convince myself that it is fine to die with a major sin. I think at some point in the future I will reach this conviction, but I will not commit suicide till it is a solid one.

Until then, I have to survive somehow, for the sole reason of not committing a sin.

**This is where I need your opinions**

I don't care about living a happy life. I don't care about living a dignified life. I don't care about being successful. I genuinely lost the ability to perceive such feelings and emotions, a feat that I salute my mind of achieving for survival. My question is, **should I drop-out from my PhD**? It is in the US and I'm not American, so that entails moving my life back to my home country. I don't have a solid plan after dropping out, but until I have one, my family wouldn't mind me just living with them. In terms of survival, it is a very valid option. When the time comes and I need to sustain myself somehow, I can try to find something that is apt for my unfunctional abilities. It is very difficult for me to explain what unfunctional is because I can hear someone immediately suggesting to solve this problem instead of basically ruining my life. But let's be real, I don't this that this is a solvable problem. My mind simply cannot commit to responsibility and my body cannot survive within a work environment. ***Should I settle for a miserable life, and just patiently wait to die, instead of committing suicide?***

p.s. the PhD itself is not the trigger, it is work environment in general. Replacing my "PhD day" with a "work day" will make absolutely no difference, and least for most of the standard jobs.

Finally, I just want to make it clear that I am not inherently opposed to attempts of solving the core issue. I just resolutely believe that the way my mind works deters me from functioning normally within a work setting. I don't think this will make sense 100% to anyone who basically has not gone through the same exact thing. I am not elaborating on the details of that feeling because I assume people who will give their opinions already understand it. I just want to know whether someone took the decision to settle for a similar trade-off, and whether it actually works out. I personally don't see any alternatives other than eventual suicide, but if you have a third suggestion (different from dropping out or suicide) please tell me!