I was stable. I was in a good place. I had been doing so well. Why do breakups always ruin that? 

J and I were friends for many years. We lost touch, as is life, and dated other people. A year ago, we got back into touch. He had just gotten out a relationship, and I was struggling a bit with my recent fling ending as well. 

We took it slow. Until a few months ago, when it picked up fast. We basically lived together. He was so kind and so affectionate. Yet I held back, wanting to be more mature. 

I handled myself so gracefully. My BPD was never an issue. I was mature, I respected his space, I lived a life outside of our relationship. 

And then it happened. He became distant, and he withdrew. I knew he had issues of his own. After a couple weeks of that, I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him I needed my stuff back from him. He obliged, and he apologized, and he asked if we could talk soon. I told him I know he’s not over his ex, and that’s okay. He continued to apologize and to say he wanted to meet in person to talk. 

I tried so hard not to react. I of course failed. I was a bitch, but he said he understood and it was okay. I mostly just kept texting “fuck you”, not the long winded sob stories of my past. He played so nice. 

He has since then continued to say he wants to meet, but is busy. Of course, this triggered me hard. He spent months with me, but suddenly “doesn’t have the time” to break up with me. Someone I considered a friend, who I trusted in the healthiest way I have in recent years... doesn’t have time to break up with me. 

The last few days he has called to chat. About nothing. Just talk. And he ends it saying we will meet soon to talk, but not yet. Telling me to give it time. That he cares for me, but it’s not time yet. 

I couldn’t do it anymore. So last night I sent a very long winded message. It outlined that I know I haven’t handled this well, and I apologize for that. That it’s okay he’s not over his ex, and I’m not mad about that. That I’m not even necessarily hurt that things are over between us. But that it hurts me so deeply that our friendship wasn’t worth more than just avoiding me, apologizing, and saying “we’ll meet soon to talk”. I told him that I’d hoped it didn’t end this badly, but that I can’t sit around waiting to see if he has time to talk yet. I wished him well and said I’d be blocking him now. 

Checking my phone constantly and wondering if today is the day that he will *actually* break up with me is torture. I just can’t do that. I know it’s over, and I know I did the right thing. I am trying so very hard to not reach out more. To just leave it at that, and carry on. 

I’m better than I’ve been from past breakups. This relationship was healthy (for the most part) but the breakup didn’t surprise me. I miss him. I miss our friendship. I miss how easy it was. But I get that he was unavailable. Maybe his unavailableness is what made it manageable for me. Maybe I coped because I knew it wouldn’t end in a happily ever after, so I just enjoyed it as it came. I don’t know. But now I feel empty again. Now I can’t function again. And I hate, hate, hate, more than anything, that I feel this way again. That I was doing so well until last week, I was happy, and healthy. But I’m losing a close friend, and it’s devastating me. Maybe this is why I shouldn’t try t date, ever. Maybe I should stop letting people in. 

My friends are being so great. They know what’s happened with him, and they know how much it’s hurt me, and they’re supporting me. But they don’t know about my BPD and so they don’t know *how much* it’s hurting me. And I am lonely, lonely like I haven’t been in almost a year. I am tired of this. 