I was diagnosed 4 years ago with severe anxiety and BPD. I was mentally and physically abused as a teenager by my first boyfriend, and it lasted for 2 years. Subsequently, I went down the rabbit hole of hypersexuality and obsessive emotional masochism. Every guy I dated cheated on me. I had a best friend sleep with my boyfriend not once, but twice, and both times they lied to my face about it. Each time it happened, I would take the guy back and submit myself to constant feelings of suspicion until they would eventually cheat again. That is until, I met the man I’m with now, who has truly changed the way I see myself and renewed my faith in true love. 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, and he’s been my favourite person (emotional dependant) for 3 years. He’s caring, loving, attentive and understanding - but obviously he’s not perfect. He made a mistake at a wedding we attended recently, and unfortunately triggered my BPD symptoms to the max. 

Long story short, the groom (my boyfriend’s colleague) had the DJ run a dancing game where he paired my boyfriend with another woman. I was feeling a bit sick and laying down in the car when I heard them announce it. After two rounds and hearing my boyfriend was winning, I decided to go in and watch the final round. That’s when I saw my boyfriend dirty dancing with some other girl in the centre of a crowd of people. And I mean dipping her, spinning her, hand on the small of her back dancing pressed against her. It felt like a thousand needles stabbing me all over my body, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The mother of the bride asked me if I wanted to go outside, and I could barely look at her to say no. I was frozen. As they announce my boyfriend and this girl the winners, the groom shouts “kiss!” which my boyfriend swats away laughing, holding the girls hand in the air while everyone applauds..

In that moment, it was like every voice of borderline me that had been whispering in my head started screaming. Of course he cheated, why did you ever think you were enough? You’re damaged, even a good man like him wouldn’t be satisfied with you. 

I left the hall feeling a panic attack coming on, and he had intercepted me before I got to the car, noticing I wasn’t in it. He knew he had screwed up right as he saw me and immediately started apologizing. I tried to get as far away from the hall as possible because I knew I was going to lose it. He followed me (since we were in the middle of nowhere) and unfortunately I had a complete rage meltdown and screamed at him, throwing my clutch at him. I really regret that, and feel the most shame for freaking out, but I just felt like my world was crushed. My boyfriend is the only person in my life I have complete faith in. I don’t have a proper relationship with my parents, and friends are not that close. He’s everything I have.

Fast forward to now, we have talked it out a few times. He was pretty drunk, and under pressure from the DJ; he just didn’t think. He wanted to put on a show to liven up the crowd, and did not think about anything other than that. He had never even met the girl before. I forgave him, and do believe that he had no ill intentions. 

Tomorrow night he’s going to a birthday party for a colleague after work, including the groom from the wedding. I don’t know this colleague so I’m not going, but it’s supposed to be a party at a rented house that will probably have guys and girls. He was obviously awkward talking about it. I’m full of anxiety and can barely breathe. My thoughts are racing in irrational places. What if he gets drunk and actually cheats on me? Would he ever even tell me? Can I even believe him if he says he didn’t? What about girls flirting with him all night? Wouldn’t he go and flirt with girls when I’m not there? 

I keep obsessively thinking horrible thoughts and feeling manic. I spent half the day today staring at the wall disassociating because I don’t know how to cope with feeling like I can’t trust him. I do trust him. But I don’t trust him. I love him with everything I have, and I feel more loved by him than I ever have by anyone.. but I feel like it’s inevitable. It always happens to me. I become so blinded by love and trust that I don’t ever see it coming. It blows up in my face and every time I ask myself how didn’t you see this coming 

I don’t know what part is me and what part is BPD. I don’t know which part to trust. What do I do? How do I cope with this in a healthy way? Deep down, I don’t believe he would ever cheat on me. But I can’t drown out the thick layer of distrust from being hurt so many times on top of it. 

Any opinions.. thoughts.. help.. all appreciated.