*I was just dumped by my partner of 3 years about two months ago. It was the end of the world for me and I've been reeling since. My partner was amazing, sacrificed everything for me, and tolerated all of my bullshit. He was perfect. I was a piece of shit.

He was a saint. I mean, you'd have to be in order to tolerate me, right? I don't know how he did it for as long as he did. Sometimes he would get angry and I wouldn't understand why, but I know that's because I have BPD and am not capable of making good judgments or decisions. It's a good thing I had him as a guidestone to let me know when my feelings were valid, because I know I'm sure as hell not able to tell if I'm being crazy or not. It felt confusing to be told I shouldn't be feeling a certain way, but I know BPD makes me think and do crazy things. He's a lot healthier than me so luckily I can rely on him to let me know when I'm being insane. I hated making him angry and I never seemed to be able to figure out how to stop making him angry. I wish I wasn't so stupid and knew the right phrasing to use when I spoke to him, to avoid making him angry. Then he wouldn't have to snap at me. I hate how often I made him angry, and the things I made him say and do out of anger. I hate how hard I was to live with, and I can't believe he stayed as long as he did. It makes sense that he had to end things, and it definitely makes sense that he needed to tell me how badly I fucked up afterward. I already knew I was a fuck-up but I was thankful he pointed out all the ways I went wrong, so I could burn them into my brain and make sure never to fuck up like that again.

It makes sense that during the relationship he frequently alternated between showing his care for me, and his resentment. I don't know what he saw in me but I'm so lucky that he did things for me at all, considering how awful I was to be with. It hurt that he didn't really seem to recognize the things I did for him, but those things were probably trivial in comparison to everything he's always done for me. It scared me when I saw the resentment showing sometimes when he spoke to me, but I know that just meant I needed to try harder to not upset him. I hate how often I upset him. I wish I was good enough for him.

I honestly can't blame him for kicking me out with no notice and changing the locks either. He's right that it's my fault all of this happened. It really sucked that all my stuff was in that house and I couldn't get to it, but I should have thought of that before upsetting him. Some of my friends told me it was illegal for him to evict me and change the locks like that, but he told me he would call the police and get a restraining order if I didn't let it go, so I figured there was nothing I could do. My cat, who I adopted 12 years ago, was in the house too, and it was hard staying in a hotel room for several days away from him. My ex said he would take good care of the cat though, and I knew he would. He was always a better cat parent than me, and my cat probably loved him more anyway. He was probably right that it would be best if I leave the cat with him when I move out, where he said the cat would be safe and loved. It was really generous of him to be willing to pack all my belongings for me too, considering everything I put him through. He told me he didn't want me in the house to pack my own things, so I'm grateful that I got to keep my belongings at all. 

When we broke up, I left a community full of our mutual friends because he asked me to - said it would help him to heal. It was the least I could do after everything I did to hurt him. Losing all of my friends while mourning this relationship was hard, and I felt really alone, but I knew I owed that to him. I told him I was thinking of coming back to the community but he said it was best for both of us if I didn't. He always knew best, so even though it hurt and I felt really isolated, I trusted his judgment and let it go.

He has told me a couple times that despite everything, he still doesn't hate me. How is that possible? The relief I felt when he said that was incredible. He says we can remain friends as long as I can avoid doing the things that upset him. I hope I can learn not to do those things anymore. I can't always tell what I'm doing that upsets him, so I'm scared and I'll have to be extra careful not to say the wrong thing. I really don't want to lose him. I never deserved him to begin with, and I'd do anything to keep him in my life in whatever way possible.*

Please, please, love yourself more than I did. These things all happened to me, and I rationalized all of them. I hated myself in order to love him. I couldn't forgive myself or accept myself, and I told myself I deserved this treatment. My internal dialogue was just like what you read above, and it didn't feel abnormal to me. It will take a long time for me to heal, but I blocked him tonight after he was upset that I re-entered the community I originally left for his comfort. Feel free to start a conversation in the comments, and share similar experiences. We need to bring awareness to this dynamic. 

BPD does not define us. Our mistakes do not define us. We do not deserve punishment. I made big mistakes in this relationship, but there is nothing that could justify some of the things he said or did to me. This relationship should have ended a long time ago, when the damage became so much that his love for me was in constant battle with his resentment. I sensed that resentment constantly and I was aware of how afraid I felt, but I convinced myself my fear was irrational (and he told me the same). I took a weeklong trip to visit my sister and process the fear, and decide whether to end things. I didn't end things after that trip, because he missed me while I was gone. He ended things in a fit of anger and resentment only three weeks after that trip.

Trust your gut when it tells you things aren't right. You deserve to set boundaries that will be respected, to feel loved and worthy, and to not spend every day feeling like you have to earn that love. Reading my internal dialogue disturbs me, and I hope it disturbs you too. Realizing that I put him up on such a high pedestal and always demeaned myself was a painful but crucial revelation. Both he and I saw me as the problem, and him as the one who always cleaned up my messes. My habitual idealization of him didn't do him any favors either. He has no concept of the ways he became abusive in this relationship because I consistently accepted responsibility for his emotions and he never had to accept that responsibility for himself. He may walk away from all of this firmly believing he was innocent, and that scares me for his future.

I hope that one person out there will read this and it will be too painfully familiar, and something will click for them. Don't let it fester the way I did. If the damage has been done, if the relationship has become abusive, please get out. I wish I had.