Hey there, I (24F) was told recently that I likely have BPD by my psychiatrist. Following that, I read and read and read everything I could about BPD. I found that I relate to a lot of the symptoms I think. 

What has me confused is moreso how the symptoms are experienced. I absolutely am terrified of being abandoned, no questions there. However, the other ones leave me a bit confused mostly because they were accurate about me at one time but they don't feel accurate anymore; also I'm not sure if my experiences are common for pwBPD.

I know I have anger issues and a short temper; however, I've been pretty under control. The last big explosion was back in August over forgetting to put the drain plug back in before adding new oil. But when I was younger it was awful, and when I would get out of control angry, people would have to tell me what I said because I couldn't remember. It was almost like I blanked out. 

I know for sure I have an unclear self image. I struggle to have a whole identity. I feel like I have no direction and nowhere to go, despite being on a path for a degree and having an idea about a job. I feel like this because I somewhat feel like I'm past my expiration date that I set for myself. I feel like I know who I am, regarding my hobbies and interests, views, etc. but deeply I feel like I don't know who I am. Like if someone said, describe who you are at your core, that isn't something I could answer.

I'm not sure about mood swings. I don't know that I experience them much. But also I'm not sure if my experience is normal or if it's abnormal. For instance, the other day I was crying and terrified over being dumped, for no good reason, and then 30 mins later I was laughing and joking around texting her. Sometimes I feel like I have tons of emotions but also I feel like I'm numb to emotions and don't feel much; so it feels like emotionally I'm almost two people. I have tons of emotions internally but also I don't feel emotions. I'm struggling at how to word this. I feel like if I were to express emotions in writing I could write them out but not feel them, even though they're real; however, if I were to express them I struggle with that and the emotions in writing and in action are different. I always write my issues with emotions off as internalizing the toxic masculinity ideals I was raised in, that guys shouldn't be emotional (am transgirl so was raised male). Also, one of the earlier things my current girlfriend remarked on was that I can go from wildly angry to totally fine, cracking jokes in no time flat. Maybe I just don't notice mood swings?

I'm not sure if I identify with feeling empty anymore. But even as I write that I question it. I guess I'm really not sure if I feel it anymore or if it's just become so ingrained in me that it's part of me. I feel like I've associated emptiness with depression and I'm not there anymore thankfully. But a crushing emptiness vs a chronic emptiness would feel different maybe?

I also don't really understand dissociation. I don't think I have issues with it; however, I feel that I have in the past maybe? I really would like to understand it more.

I was just wondering if my experiences sound familiar to any of y'all here. Advice or insight is definitely welcome!