I’m fucking sick of everything. I don’t know why I’m even still alive, none of this means a fucking thing anyway. I’m so fucking bored. Bored to the fucking deepest depths of my soul. I hate being alive. I hate being fucking depressed all the time. Nothing helps, not the fucking pills or the therapy or any of it. Just hit three months sober and clean from self-harm, doesn’t change a fucking thing.

I just want to be numb, I want to go on a huge drug filled bender, go somewhere with loud, angry music and just get so fucking high I forget I even exist. I don’t care if it’s dangerous, don’t give a shit if it kills me. Don’t have anyone to miss me anyway. 

I can’t even fucking do it because I’m stuck in a fucking lockdown right now. Still, feel like I need to do *something* to break up this fucking monotony. No point getting drunk at home, can’t listen to loud music here, can’t even be alone here, no drugs either and getting drunk on its own doesn’t really cut it for me anymore.

I’m just stuck in the same bullshit all the time, can’t break out of it. Stuck just thinking about all the ways to mix shit up, go on a bender, cover myself in cuts and get myself institutionalized, break my own arm, fucking set fire to something, I dunno.

Just so fucking sick of living.