I talked last night with my partner about their fantasies - they said they wanted anal. I said no, I don't like that. Side note: We have tried it a couple of times in the past. A couple of times my partner pushed so hard into me that they hurt me. After the first time of that happening and telling them don't do that again it hurts, they did it again the next time we had sex. I'm not sure how easy it is to make this 'mistake'? I'm not a fan of anal, not after that. It was really one of those I love you, so I'll try it for you things. The convo continued, they then said you have liked it before actually...quite a lot...and there were many times like... That's when I stopped them. I felt sick. Those times were when I was manic.

The worst part of hearing this is that we'd already sat down with my psychiatrist last year who explained to my partner that my baseline self (when not manic) sex wise is no anal and to respect those boundaries. Because as we all know, the manic versions of ourselves don't tend to have that many limits. My partner agreed to respect what my psychiatrist said. Anal hasn't happened since then but it's like my partner had completely forgotten that anal is a hard no for me and even memories that came back of it make me feel repulsed. (No shade to people who do enjoy it, but it's not my thing.)

Also in the past when I asked my partner why they liked it, they said and I quote "Because it hurts you." Now if someone is a sadist, admit it. If that's your thing admit it. Maybe, just maybe we aren't sexually compatible. I have kinks too but I only like the good kind of pain during sex. When I called them out on it, they said what they meant is that it's a turn on to them whether I'm hurting from it or not but that when I moan sexually in relation to anal sex (from the discomfort/pain) it turns them on. Which personally makes me hate it even more.

If I am saying ok to anal, that's because I'm manic. I don't want to do anal. I feel so violated. I curled up and shivered in bed while trying not to cry last night. I don't feel very trusting of my partner today. I feel unsafe and scared. They knew at times I was not myself but just went ahead anyway.

For those wondering thinking mania is fun, this is fine and I'm in control. You're not. This is one of those times for me looking back with regret. I can't take back those times that I engaged in that, which I wouldn't have done if I wasn't manic.