and i don’t know why or how or even if the issue is mental or physical.

tw: health anxiety, paranoia 

(context: 20f, long standing issues with anxiety and reoccurring fits of depression)

this entire week i’ve had this terrible hyperfixation with the theory that i have cancer. i am healthy, don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs. i don’t even have a familial history of cancer. my anxiety told me i had a lump in my arm, but i checked a day later and it was just my imagination. the only conceivable reason i’m so paranoid is that a beloved youtuber who was otherwise died from cancer, and now i’m scared that i might too. the paranoia keeps me up late at night. i dream about it.

i’ve literally never struggled with health anxiety before. it’s crazy and i feel like i’m crazy. 

my paranoia (god, can’t believe i’m saying that) is new, too. if i hear people walking past my apartment, i get scared they’re there to take me. have i done anything wrong? no. the best lawyer in the world couldn’t prove me guilty. i still get a panic attack every time i hear voices outside, though. 

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’ve never had health anxiety or paranoia like this before. the only conclusion my brain can draw is that i’m dying of a brain tumor (logic, amiright) or that i’m experiencing some unforeseen psychotic breakdown. 

someone please, please give me a logical reason why i’m acting like this because i can’t