I'm probably not completely healthy but I think I'm lying to myself about the extent to which I'm mentally ill. I was in a clinic once (self admitted due to being suicidal). The staff there did not take me seriously and I myself felt so stupid being there because my problems were so minor compared to everyone else's. I often wish I had a serious mental illness because then people would care for me (I know that's an idiotic and insensitive thought). I could go into a clinic again and wouldn't have to deal with the daily stress of life for a while. I keep wondering if I could give myself anorexia or a self harm addiction. Even as a teenager, I often read the Wikipedia articles on various mental illnesses to try to find out what I might have, and it felt *good* if I did have symptoms of something and I tried to argue to myself that I showed this or that symptom.

I follow so many recovery accounts on Instagram that I now get ads for rubber bands and stuff. I feel like such an imposter. Most of the people I follow have actual problems, they're in group homes or can't hold a job or are on disability or are in clinics several times a year.

I do think I'm not entirely mentally healthy but it's so hard to assess how ill I actually am because I constantly want to exaggerate my symptoms and how traumatic my past was. I have a therapist but I'm wondering if I'm not just occupying space someone else needs way more than me (in my country it usually takes *months* to find a therapist). I'm wondering if my therapist is just humouring me, just like the therapists in the clinic and others I've had (most of whom didnt even attempt to do effective therapy). I feel like an idiot, an asshole and pathetic for not just stopping with this "I'm ill" bullshit already and try to live like a normal adult would.