I don’t know how to be normal. I don’t have any close friends except for my older sister, and we’re not even that close. 

Yesterday, my sister said I’m not empathetic and I’m a sociopath and it’s no wonder I have no friends. She had told me her story of how she got permanently removed from the global entry flying list because she lied and didn’t declare items and I wasn’t sympathetic enough. Honestly, even as I write this, I’m not that sympathetic. I think she brought it upon herself for lying. At the same time, I understand I should be able to provide comfort and support even if I don’t agree. At least, I think that’s what it means to be a friend. Right?

My sister and I used to be best friends but I started therapy years ago and I eventually refused to be her “slave” (that is actually how she referred to me. No, we didn’t have the healthiest relationship.) Now, our relationship is strained as I don’t submit to most of her requests…which is often. She asks me to fold her laundry and little things that I can certainly do— but WHY. Now that I’m an adult, I barely have enough time to get all my own stuff done! She is still a sweetheart so please don’t think she’s a mean person because she does nice things for me like be there for me during my depression.

Anyway, I have ‘many’ peripheral friends and people always think I have a lot of friends, but truth be told- I don’t. It’s been this way since childhood. I keep everyone at arms length. No one seems to like me when I share a glimpse of the trauma I have been through in my personal life (my sister not being one of those traumas. She’s been the best person imo).

I can’t keep any romantic relationships anymore. My longest one was 7 years long but that was on-and-off when I was younger and involved a lot of cheating on his part. My other romantic relationships have all involved cheating on their part and physical and/or mental ‘abuse.’ I have an eating disorder now and attract more male attention than ever but I am simply not interested in anything sexual with anyone. Including with myself.
 
I suppose this all shaped me to be the person I am now…or maybe I attracted these types of people because I’m a sociopath. I don’t understand what it means to be sociopath. I feel I cannot be? Because I’m cognizant of what’s happening. Though, maybe I really am since I can’t be normal. And yet again, I think— what is normal. We only recognize what is normative. Sigh. I feel alone. Lonely. And lost.

I want to be a better person and a better sister and friend. And even if I can’t be ‘normal’ and can’t be the type of person others want me to need, I want to be better For Me. 

I’ve stopped therapy and seeking any professional help. I exercise every day and the men I meet only encourage me to continue restricting food and exercise more and I feel even more lonely. I spend 3+ hours a day exercising. And…even my friends cheer me on. I know they don’t realize it’s actually a mental disorder but still. I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel anymore. I just know I am barely hanging on. I am trying. I am keeping afloat but it’s only time before I can’t and I want to get better before I get there. 

Sorry. I know I’m rambling. I guess this post isn’t even about being a sociopath anymore. Or maybe it is- if it seems like I am- I would really like to work on that. Me me me. I’m selfish. And I don’t want to be.

Please help?