I really hate myself. I didn't know where else to go. 

I am so fucking sick of being myself. I can't make any female friends and i can't see my male friends because my boyfriend isn't comfortable with them. We've been fighting a lot and i don't really want to have sex with him, and now I have no one but him, and it fucking sucks. I've also done a lot of self evaluation lately, of people I've spent time with and decisions that I've made, and most of all how I've treated other people. I've been a real cunt and i fucking hate it. But i also feel so hurt by other people, and i fucking hate that too. 

I feel like I'm not normal but no one else thinks so. I wanted to get a mental assessment a while ago but my mum told me that i "like to find labels for myself", basically that i want something to hold onto, to blame for me being a dad lazy cunt. Maybe she's right, maybe i just blame my fucked up life on shit that i don't have in an attempt to feel like I'm not drowning in my own shit. But i think i am. Am i? Am i drowning? Maybe I'm fine and everyone else feels like this too. 

I feel like my life is out of control and i don't know how to fix it. Or maybe i do and i just dont want to? Can I be another person? I don't want to have to deal with all these decisions and shit. Deciding who i want to become and who i want to spend my time with. For a lot of people, the world is so black and white. It's never been like that for me. I can always see both sides of the coin, and i think that's why it's so hard for me to make decisions. Often times for me, the positives and negatives are equal. 

I'm sorry you had to read this. I don't want to talk to my boyfriend about this shit because it will start fights, and i have no one else that i want to talk to my shit about. No one that i feel like would want to help me. I feel like everyone is gone. I know they're not, but it feels like I'm alone. I just want to run away for a week and be someone else for a while. 

If you've gotten this far and feel like chucking me some advice about making female friends as a female (19f) not in uni, how to start loving myself, or just want to share a similar experience, then I'd appreciate it. Thanks :')