The struggles of emotional splitting.

Yesterday I wrote how is like living with BPD. 

Today I am going to explain, my struggles when I split

For Years, before I was diagnosed with bipolar and BPD. I would lash out uncontrollably. With rage,sadness, just overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes it would happen for a few minutes. Other times my splitting would last for months. It got so bad that at a young age when I didn’t understand and was undiagnosed. I turned to drugs and alcohol. I got so strung out on drugs. Just to block out my emotions. Sometimes i would cut myself, not to kill myself. But to feel physical pain instead of emotional pain. I tried to talk to my family but their lack of education on mental illness never helped us. Coming as immigrants to America. Mental illness is not a common topic in our household. Our mentality was “you will get over it”. But I never got over it. I started using more, depression got worse. So I tried to call it quits and end everything. At this point I was sent to mental institution.(2018) 
Time passed I learned to deal with my bipolar tendencies. But my bpd was still affecting every aspect of my life. Oct 2021 i had a very bad split. Since that day I have been clean from drugs and alcohol. I try to get myself out of dark places. Cause come on everyone who is really struggling with this mental illness. Knows that therapy really doesn’t help. If anything it makes you feel worse about yourself. Like you have  a problem like you don’t belong. So slowly I have learned to control my impulses. Is very hard to keep it together. I recently lost my job, split up with my gf of 3 years and currently living alone for the first time ever in my life. My past 3 months of sobriety have been very difficult after being a functional addict for more than 10 years. But I hope for better days. I admit I been writing on Reddit more than ever. But I know that I’m not the only one struggling in this motherfucking world. Having mental illness. I have very low self-esteem and I’m very insecure. But I still wake up and look in the mirror and tell myself. “Today we are going to be okay”

Remember that we are going to be okay