Fun fact: I am not ok right now and there’s no logical reason

But I’ve got these stupid DBT coping skills to get me through…

It sucks, honestly, being self aware with BPD. Like I know there’s no responsible reason I feel like this, and I know all the skills to (possibly) get me out of this feeling, but still it’s here. 

**TW for sh and thoughts of non existence ** 

Lately the intrusive thoughts have been getting a little much. I realized that the only times I don’t have my mind occupied by either work or Netflix, are when I’m trying to fall asleep, and the few moments when I wake before I grab my phone. Reason, my brain is completely and wholly absorbed in imagining different ways too off myself. And the only thing that keeps them at bay is constant occupation… this isn’t working for me anymore. No matter what I do, the thoughts won’t go. And hey now I can say I’m prepared for any scenario where I come across something that I can use too off myself with. Eg, if I eve find a firearm casually on the street I’ve rehearsed the call to 911 telling them they need to come now because I’m near it for too long, I can’t guarantee I won’t free myself from this earthly body… the problem is, I shouldn’t have to be prepared. I shouldn’t have these thoughts. Years of DBT, CBT and other therapies should have made these go away.. but nope. Just coping skills that involve effort.

Tired of this constant effort to be better. Like, I’m going to be ok, I’ll put the effort in and keep working on these intrusive thoughts in the healthy way that therapy thought me. But a part of me doesn’t want to. I wish I could turn the awareness off.