I used to be suicidal. I would hurt myself with intent to die. Now that I’ve decided to live, a few years later I’m overwhelmed and confused. Im so stressed and in this moment where I would normally want to die I just want to hurt myself so I don’t have to exist in the state I am. Sometimes physical pain feels better than the emotional and it gives something else to think about. I allow myself sympathy if I’m hurting physically, but emotionally I feel like a coward, burden, selfish, etc. emotional pain feels more like an illusion. Like it’s not real so no one could possibly care. It doesn’t matter how we feel inside, “suck it up buttercup.”
I don’t want to hurt myself, and I probably won’t, but I wonder why this desire stays despite my will to live. Why do I still want to hurt myself rather than find a solution? Why would I rather lay in bed, unmoving, typing this than help myself by improving, exercising, working, learning… but that’s what they’d call depression. I use the text line to destress sometimes. I have a lot this week. Life is so draining, and still this desire remains.