The comments weren’t the best I knew they weren’t going to be mad honestly I’m not angry because this isn’t a good mindset to have but something dawned on me with one comment, someone said “it sounds like mental illness” and at first I was like what, I’ve been mentally Ill for forever but I don’t know if this is a sign of it. But I think they are right so I kind of what to know what y’all’s opinions are on this. 

I like the thought of someone wanting me but not being able to have me, I think this is due to me being undesirable, I’m a virgin and wanting to be married but uh yea I’m not good looking atm. I’ve never had a boyfriend never had a dude like want me or anything, so a deep part of me I guess what’s payback? God I feel dumb but that’s kind of how I feel, not to mention since I’m a woman and I know that men most of my life have had power that me being able to say no to my spouse feels idk it gives me some type of high because all the men I’ve grown up with I’ve felt powerless over. And I’m religious so even the Bible says that women should submit to men so for me I feel like the only power j have is what I can do and say to make a man feel like idk crazy?, I never thought this was apart of my illness and I’ve never really thought to much on this but I do think this has to do with the fact that I feel so undesirable and I want to know what it’s like to have the power as a woman to say no. Even to my spouse… I hope this doesn’t effect any men in the sub I do care about their feelings but I wanted to know what others think about this, I’m afraid to tell others and I usually keep my deepest darkest secrets to myself and this is the top three honestly I’m not really an open person but I thought this was a good realization to my depression and my insecurities