I’ve been depressed for ages and plan to kms, but whenever I think I might die in a non suicide way I get extremely anxious. 

Like right now I’m afraid I have toxic shock syndrome (TSS). My tampon has been in for maybe 14 or 15 hours. I started feeling dizzy and then when I googled symptoms of TSS I started feeling nauseous with a headache too. So I’m hoping it’s just my anxiety psyching me out, but I’m afraid I’m going to die in my sleep (it’s 1 am right now).

The very depressed side of my brain knows that dying in my sleep would be great, but there’s still that stupid survival instinct that is very afraid of the idea and very much does not want me dying in my sleep. So now I’m terrified to go to bed in fear that I might not wake up. Even though the logical part of me knows that’s exactly what I want