I'm scared of being myself, especially around my more sensitive friends who pick up on my emotions and they get overwhelmed sometimes being around me. And they're nice and never blame me for it or anything but I'm so scared that one day they'll just be like "I can't deal with who you are anymore and I"m sorry" and just leave as self-preservation. Thing is, I've worked really hard on the self-awareness bit and am immensely better at handling tough episodes and situations and getting a read on what's really going on. And still, I'm here. A 30 something person who doesn't take more than half a second to swoooosh to suicidal thoughts. And I find it very odd the way suicidal ideas are talked about online. I imagine that to a lot of people even *thinking* about not wanting to be around rings alarm bells and for me, it's a regular Tuesday. I know people with BPD get that there's an odd spectrum to how we think about living/not living and I'm just, hmmm. I'm here. I'm working on myself to keep bringing myself back from the brim. Will it ever end?