Female 26 yo So I started having paranoid thoughts about 8 months ago, mainly surrounding the fact that my husband is cheating on me or random people want to kill me, especially by car . It's ruining my marriage and I don't want to subject him to my constant spying and accusations, especially since he says they are getting worse and that it hurt his trust that I went through his things, especially after he offered to console me by letting me look. I constantly get startled by piles of laundry, reflections, and I believe that other people are laughing at me even if they are right in front of me. I believe that my husband talks to his mom behind my back in Russian that he wants to leave me and everything he does stresses me out. I was afraid he was going to kill me when he was on a run with me by hiring a friend to run me over. He feeds into my body issues  with his own body insecurities that he projects on me by accident a little (hes got some sort of ed revolving around health foods he takes 30+ suppliments and weighs food but i digress) which is a lot of my insecurity with relationships, that was there before we even met, but otherwise he is really nice to me. No matter how he treats me there is always some secret he's hiding. If he's nice, it's bc he feels guilty. If he's grumpy, he hates my guts. I've looked for divorce papers, evidence, but finding nothing makes it worse. I feel like he's hiding things from me and everybody but me is in on it. I genuinely believe his plots may be advanced, for instance He forgot to pack his lunch and I feel like he did it to have an excuse to talk to women at restaurants. I leave him alone and try not to pester him or spy but I cry at night bc I feel so unworthy bc I'm also bipolar and unemployed and I'm just garbage and he's looking for the door. 

There was a car outside my house and I sped inside bc I thought they left a bomb in my Amazon package and I made my dogs go away bc I didn't want them to get blown up too (they love sniffing packages). I just started 5mg abilify and it was wonderful at first especially for other symptoms of bipolar(other than restlessness, Which is worth not living in fear), but it stopped working after 3 weeks  and I feel like I have some sort of personality thing that can't be fixed by meds and that makes me really suicidal. I think about how much easier it would be for my husband if I died but my sister would be sad so I haven't done it but i hate being alive but not in a sad way. I feel like such a burden and that I can't be fixed. Therapy can't fix a bad personality, I try so hard to treat him kindly despite all this but I'm getting so tired of myself. I feel like a diagnosis that can be treated with meds would soothe me but I dont know whats happening since im on antipsychotics. Why did it come out of nowhere and is it even the beginnings of schizophrenia or am i a bored housewife? I can't be honest with my psych bc I fear being on high doses bc of weight gain (I already suffer from an eating disorder and I won't take them if I see weight gain even if they work) and how much I've seen ppl suffer from antipsychotic side effects. Why did the paranoia come back? Am I just like this forever now?