I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression in my childhood and teens. I experienced a lot of abuse of basically every kind throughout my childhood. I know that plays a lot into my current mental state. 

But also I’m 26, mom of 3, #4 on the way, just bought a house and moved cross country, have no friends, recently just had to ex my mother out of my life, have no real close relationships with any of my family, only my partner. The older I get and the more responsibility I take on, the more pissed at myself I become for not actually living my life when I had the chance. I had my first baby at 19. But back then I was in such a darker place and I didn’t even really realize it. I had just began recovering from the most traumatic experience of my life so I don’t even know that I would’ve been much better off if I had waited to have kids.

I’m getting older, my last pregnancy made me put on 40lbs which is insane and it’s been so hard to get off, my body image prior to the weight gain certainly wasn’t great but it’s so much worse now. I can’t get myself to move hardly. I have so much house work to do even as I type this out and I. Just. Can’t. I’m so overwhelmed with the constant need of my children that when they’re finally entertaining themselves for a moment all I can do is switch off. 

I’m so overwhelmed. So overwhelmed. And my depression is definitely weighing me down like a fucking mountain sitting on top of me and when my partner comes home from work all I can say is “I’m sorry”. I’m sorry I can’t myself do more. And he doesn’t really understand what I’m dealing with even though I’ve tried to explain it to him because he just doesn’t deal with these things. He’s never had to. He had a very stable childhood. 

Finding a decent therapist with my insurance is impossible in the area I’m in and paying for one is expensive. So I suppose venting the Reddit void is the next best thing. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for your time and attention.