I've always had problems with anxiety, but never this bad. I can't stop obsessing over my health, and the thoughts are super intrusive. I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow, but I still have to make it through today.

I woke up this morning in pure dread. Every day since last Friday night I have woken up the same way. I just want to wake up and feel normal again. I haven't eaten very well this week, really I have hardly eaten at all. I wake up today, and all I want to do is throw up, even though there is nothing but water in my stomach to throw up.

I don't even know if the doctor will help me. I haven't seen a doctor in years, and I pretty much picked one at random when this started. It's a GP, and I have some real medical issues that they'll most likely be able to help with, but I'm not sure anymore which problems are real and which ones are made up in my stupid defective brain. I'm terrified of doctors in general, but I've reached a breaking point and I'll do anything to get this to stop.

My mind just keeps circling back to the negative thoughts, like its not just in my head, you're going to die, the doctor will come back, and I have 3 months left to live. I know nothing will change between now and tomorrow, and I shouldn't focus on things I can't change, but my mind just goes straight towards those thoughts.

The only thing half way reassuring is the thought that when I go to the doctor they'll be able to fix it, or reassure me that it's not that bad. I'm kinda putting all of my hope on this visit, but I have no reason to believe they will do anything. I feel like putting all my hope into that is setting me up for a huge let down, when they milk me for as much money as they can get before shoving me out the door.

I want to stop worrying. I want to stop shaking uncontrollably. I want to stop crying. I want to feel normal again.