  i’m posting this on BPD just bc i feel like this feeling needs a place to belong. I hate saying it out loud, i feel way too ashamed to even tell my closest mate. My mum so heavily physically and emotionally abused me from ages 9-18. So many crucial years of my life I didn’t have a safe place at home or someone to talk to and my dad wasn’t around. One day my mum would love me the next day I’m being told im the biggest mistake of her life and beat up for no reason, it was such a cultivation centre for someone to develop BPD and clearly, i did. My mum is like a whole different person now and she tries to support me with my mental health, but part of me doesnt want that support bc i cant just switch off how my mind saw her for so many years. The part that im ashamed to tell people and that i don’t understand from within myself is that i look at her with such genuine repulsion. For a while (the past few months) this went away and i felt i had grown around the trauma but recently(the last month) its just been so strongly there and i can tell she’s starting to notice. Everything she does winds me up, everything she does i’m a second away from snapping and i have to continuously catch myself before losing it. I feel repulsed at the idea of physical touch from her, i feel like her behaviour idk how to say it but she’s just a beg? She copies so much behavioural stuff off me and it winds me up, i dont want her to become similar to me bc she is nothing like me. Moreover if weve ever spoken about my abuse she tells me i view things negatively, how am i meant to view my mother strangling me positively? I just seriously require space from her and she doesnt get it. I don’t want to open up recently and she just doesnt take any of my social cues and she just uses it to tell me i cant get better if i dont let her in. I can understand this makes her feel helpless and i know she wants to help but I seriously just dont require her as my therapist im not comfortable around her she rarely understands me and its really just pissing me off. I can tame myself to not lose my shit but its clear when I’m switched off to her.

Any time someone compliments my mum like “oh she’s so lovely/cute” and “oh she’s so pretty”, i feel personally attacked. Maybe bc i know she obviously isnt cute for being a child beater, and i dislike hearing that she is pretty bc she would tell me growing up that im not as pretty as her and like i said, i feel repulsion just looking at her. Complimenting her just registers in my head as invalidating my trauma and struggle with her.

I feel a bit like a monster but idk how to shake this feeling.