I’m nearly 21 years old. When I turned 19 for some reason I developed real bad depression after never having it my whole life. Sometimes I wouldn’t leave the house for weeks, I would just sit in bed thinking of how I could kill myself painlessly, not even brushing my teeth or showering because I didn’t see the point, until the weekend came then I would go to the pub and drink heavily while sniffing coke. It numbed me from my own thoughts for a while which I know now looking back was foolish. I was completely convinced I was going to kill myself soon so nothing really mattered to me. This went on for ages and I thought it would never change. I never told anybody I just kept it to myself.

Around September last year I started tripping on psychedelic shrooms quite often by myself, which I think had like some sort of positive effect on me that lasted a while. I started making positive changes in my life and I felt this sudden motivation to succeed and be the best I can be. This all ended near Christmas after I ran out of shrooms and reality started to hit me, I could feel myself returning back to the way I was.

These past few weeks I’ve noticed that all I can constantly think about is how/where/when I am going to kill myself, it’s like I plan it out in my head every night and it comforts me to know I’m going to kill myself soon. I think I genuinely have a mental illness that could have somehow been amplified now that the afterglow of shrooms have wore off. I don’t want to go to the doctors because I don’t want depression, or whatever is wrong with me, to be on my records. I’m not willing to take any pills, plus I’m not really open like that anyway. I’m not even sure why I’m posting this. Maybe I’m just hoping someone has a bit of real advice, it’s also nice to anonymously type out how I feel as I wouldn’t dare to express this to anybody in person. I’m sure it’s time to finally kill myself soon, I’ve planned it all out and I know I’ve finally got the courage to do it after all these years of stalling.