18M. I've been feeling absolutely awful lately. It all started a few nights ago when I woke up in the middle of the night and practically had a panic attack. Random thoughts were coming to me, mostly gibberish. I felt a complete loss of control, like everything in my mind was automatically generated. 

I managed to go back to sleep but over the next few days, I began to feel like everything people do is predetermined. We are all a product of our environments and don't get a say in how we are raised or what we like. It is deeply horrific to me and I haven't felt in control since. I can walk through life and do what I have to and appear normal but it all feels fake.

I'm not sure it's depersonalization though because I know it's all me. I feel sensations and know that I am me. It doesn't necessarily feel like 2nd person perspective the way some describe it. But I do feel like a preprogrammed robot. I feel like I cannot be free. Like every attempt at therapy is just a distraction.

The only explanation I have for this is that I have been making some big decisions in my life. I recently got my first job and have (before even moving out of my parents place) decided to invest in my true passion (or at least what I thought was my true passion before I went insane) being a music producer. The only problem is that I'm spending a few thousand dollars on equipment with the intent to eventually make it my life and quit working corporate jobs. My parents don't necessarily want me to be doing this, and now I'm unsure if it's the right thing to do. I've been constantly questioning it and I think this long term work towards a goal I set far into the future is making me worry that I'm not in control of my life. Not to mention how buried I feel in all the vinyl and CDs I've bought.

I've never really connected with my emotions well and I have been using music as a coping mechanism for years, almost like a drug. Except I focus on music all the time and now I'm growing bored of it. I'm scared it's just a toxic way of coping and now this is my minds way of saying it's not healthy to make a career out of it. Not to mention my anxiety over hearing damage if I'm not careful (I like extreme heavy music btw).

I know this probably makes no sense but I really feel like nothing is me anymore. I can't possibly tell my parents about this or what I think is the cause or they'll be mad I wasted so much money, but it's driving me insane. More and more music equipment shows up in the mail everyday and I'm so scared before even setting it up and using it. 

I still have a bit of hope that this can all go away and I'll feel better in a month (like every anxious thought I've had in the past) and maybe make music like I intended and not feel so robotic, but it's so weird that new life situations can make one scared that they're just a product of nature with no say in the matter. But I don't necessarily feel like not living or like I can't do what I need to do, like when I've experienced depression before.

I'm just a product of the Big Bang that would eventually form a being that would one day be writing this post because of a random chain of events. I don't even feel like I have free will anymore.

Oh yeah, and I'm afraid I'm losing my moral compass. Like nothing matters, so what if I lose my mind and do terrible things? Pure OCD or something.

Anyway, I can't be the only person to have felt like this. Any advice is appreciated.