I have always been insulted, like since childhood, that I wasn't mainly enough. They would say "little girl" "weak". I couldn't understand why I got so much hate. I was only a child. I was never interested in what boys would usually like, (I'm not the type of guy that would say cars are for boys and barbies for girls), I felt more comfortable around girls, I hated what boys would play, sports, talking about cars... I didn't have girly manners, I just felt more comfortable around girls. I loved baking till my dad said "your place isn't in the kitchen" now I'm not comfortable baking even more telling that I cook. 

The bullying never stopped. I was tired of the bullying, from outside, my dad and brother. I was so weak physically that my brother took the opportunity to physically bully me. I tried to kill myself twice, at 8 (my mom was sick at this time, I took one of every pills she had) and at 9 (I tried to hang myself), it didn't work. 

At 16 I found out that I am gay. Worst thing that could happen to me, I came from a very religious family. I accepted myself as I am but the thing that saddens me the most is the fact that I can't live as I wish, I can't get out of the closet. My brother is not a bad guy, we are closer now but religion is still a big part of his life. One time, I don't know what we were talking about, he said "we should burn them all" referring to gay people, unknowingly me, I was 18 at this time, I felt like my world was crushed, I knew then that it will end badly for me, that I will never be happy. Im 24, I was tired of my parents being so noisy, criticizing my life so I'm moved out this year. Usually you don't move out till you get married. My personal life is like nonexistant, I have never dated, never been with a guy. On top of that I didn't have control over my body, I couldn't get my ears pierced, nor have tattoos, and couldn't dress myself like I dream of. I'm not a flamboyant guy, I just would like to dress myself a bit frisky. I was in a very bad place mentally. 

I have always  been a shy kid but with the bullying and judgement now I can't even make the first move to talk to people, I always wait for someone to talk to me first. At 24 I just have 3 friends that I talk regularly, even with them I don't talk much because I'm scared of getting  judged. 

My parents are immigrants, they came from a middle east / Asian country. We live in a European country, and in our city the people that came from this country practically founded a cluster, everyone knows everybody, rumors travel fast. I can out my self but I still couldn't live freely. I don't want my family to feel ashamed because of me. I'm scared for my little sisters, my parents are capable to take them and go back to their home country. I don't want to ruin their future because of me. 

To sum up I'm sacrificing my happiness for undeserving people that I call family. I'm 24 and I'm still scared of getting judge. Every day I think how shitty my life is. Before going to bed I just wish to never wake up. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to live anymore. I don't to be selfish and cause harm to my sisters, I love them so much. 
These past few years I never more felt like killing myself, I don't even se myself in the future, I'm hopeless.

Now I'm determined to save enough money and build a life in New Zealand. But sometimes I feel like I won't make it.

I hope my English isn't so bad, I just needed to tell my story and accept it as it is.