Hi everyone. For context, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I'm not very close with my own parents or my extended family and come from a small family. We don't have family events on holidays and usually keep to ourselves, I also have 1 sibling. My boyfriend's family situation is the complete opposite. He has a large family and extended family and he frequently visits/has family events. He has multiple siblings and they seem pretty close. We were having lunch today and happened to start talking about his cousin (M25) and his cousin's girlfriend (F26) who are similar in age to us - I'll call the cousin's girlfriend Sarah. The cousin &amp; Sarah have been dating for five years, and my boyfriend mentions how his family has reservations about Sarah because she doesn't come to any family events or talk to anyone when she's at events and says she has anxiety. He said how it's such a bad look to his family because they are important to them and she doesn't even try. I had then asked, "is there anything I can be doing better when hanging out with your family?" and he said "I feel like you don't say anything to my parents when we hang out and I feel like they notice. You get very quiet and aren't yourself. You don't have to feel like an outsider and I can't guide you to feel not like one. We've talked about this before but I don't think I've seen any change.". It hurt me, because I'm not intentionally not talking to them. I found myself tear up because it made me feel like a failure. We had overcome a huge obstacle in our relationship recently after I had been really depressed from a horrible job I was working, and I had been working a lot on myself and trying to make him happy. I am an incredibly anxious person, with an anxious attachment style. I've gotten a lot better since I was a teenager, there were times where I would avoid social situations because of how stressed I would get beforehand.


In social situations in the past with his family I've felt myself shut down, there are so many multiple conversations that happen at once I wonder how I am supposed to talk to everyone because it seems you are only heard if you're the loudest in the room. For example, I go out to dinner with his family and theres like 8 people there - how am I supposed to catch up with his parents if I'm not sitting next to them and we're in a huge group setting every time I see them? It's not like I just see them ever on their own, It's always in a group setting. He told me that's the only way you get his parents, and that it's all of them or none of them. What can I do to make things better? I feel like they hate me now? I try to show up and try to engage but apparently it seems like that's not enough since I'm quiet.

TL;DR Boyfriend of two years says I don't try and talk to his parents enough. He says I shut down and it seems like his parents notice and that I shouldn't feel like an outsider but he can't guide me not to feel that way - I have to put in more effort. The issue is we only see his parents in group settings, I come from a small family and his is large and the total opposite. What can I do? How can I connect with them in large social settings?