So, I've noticed that when wanting to reach out to people I trust they all disappear. Last night felt ill and thought about calling the "hotline" (I won't say here to avoid triggering someone and breaking mod rules).

For a brief moment I thought about how the people on the hotline sometimes made things worse by saying the wrong thing. Plus they don't know me and I am not familiar or comfortable so much with them.

I reached out to a church "friend" who has past experience working in mental health. They were unavailable (naturally as they were no doubt sleeping for work the next day).  I then reached out to another church "friend" (they were available ), but they changed the subject (possibly as a tactic to divert my mind, but I still feel as if they were avoiding the seriousness of it all).

Anyway, my intentions were just to let someone know that if they didn't see me for a while, it would be because I am having a really hard time and was taking a time out (seeking professionals of course).

I remember hearing before (I don't remember where because BPD brain), that someone (maybe me) was called selfish for basically telling someone help and support was needed. I felt bad thinking about this and thought maybe it is selfish to involve people who do not like to focus on the reality that not everyone is holding hands and singing joyfully about the world.

I don't know what to feel now. At least I am safe and the feeling has subsided (for now). I sometimes think that maybe this is why so many people go away because hotlines and people didn't pay attention or communicated they couldn't be relied upon (or maybe they were scared and didn't know what to do).

My heart goes out to all of those in the mental health community, especially those with personality disorders and autism who successfully go home to peace.

(I didn't know what category to post this under since it is just a discussion and not really a rant. If there is a better flair post to use next time, please let me know. Hope you are all looking forward to the new year).