I don't see any hope. I can't maintain jobs because at some point in time, I will have an episode and I will call in sick for few days. This causes me shame and guilt for my absenteeism. 

I took education as my career despite never really wishing to be a teacher my whole life. I mistakenly thought that being good at the subject matter that you intend to teach is good enough of a reason to pursue a career in teaching.

One of the reasons why I never really wanted to be a teacher is that I am extremely introverted. I'm not good with crowds. I prefer to be alone most of the time. Everyday is like a grind to me since I need to constantly connect to all my students. I also have to teach 6 loads every day with different grade levels because I am teaching in a small private school with only 1 section per grade level so basically I prepare 6 lesson plans every day. I teach both the junior and senior high. I was also assigned to teach subjects which aren't my specialization.

I am aware that I should be happy that I am employed but still, everyday feels like I'm dying especially when I'm at home and I dread going back to school the next day. I feel like it's not fair for the students to have me as their teacher. I feel ashamed that I couldn't provide the students the quality education that they deserve. My depression adds up to this as there are days wherein my brain just stops functioning. I couldn't focus on my tasks. My paperworks have been piling up as I hibernate on my off days when I should be checking papers and making lesson plans on the weekends. I don't have any motivation. Today I didn't come to school because I can't focus and just wants to lie on my bed for several days. 

I want to bump my head to clear my thoughts. I'm so frustrated. I want to seek help but I can't share my problems to my mother because I feel ashamed for bothering her with such trivial matters. I want to seek therapy but I can't afford it. I want to leave my job but I can't because I am an adult who has financial responsibilities.

Do you know any free or cheap mental health consultations online that I can access?