Just absolutely sick of feeling so alone constantly. Even when around my “friends” trying to make it all make sense and enjoy it, can only do so much and it’s like it just is the same all over again every time I even say one thing, interact with the ppl I think I know or read any messages etc.
Being out anywhere with people like “friends” is just bad in general cause it’s always you feel like total crap, and like no one’s even caring about you or wants to be around you/noticing you, even if they’re all right there in front of you. 
And then the second they talk it’s like “holy crap finally I’m so glad I get to hang out with ppl now” then they stop for a second or don’t reply/don’t hear you right away and it’s “wtf did I just fk up again what can I do to make them like me again etc etc..”

And then making excuses in your head and sometimes just believing them, why they don’t wanna talk or why it always seems like no one would actually want to be interested in ever knowing you. 
Also knowing I actually just want what is a “genuine connection” to myself what that is, but also feeling like it’s not possible at all, then being reminded why but only ever after things get all messed up again because it’s always when I think we’re actually emotionally connected in some way. 
I was so happy hearing someone I knew say they regretted moving away just because all I could think about, was that I’d spend time around them and such despite them not even considering me anyone significant in their life.
It’s like how do you even stop feeling abandoned or so unlikeable when every single time a genuine connection comes along it messes up. 
Or gets too close then start to try and separate as much as possible off and on, anyways and more than half of the time I almost always believe it’s the other person’s fault.
 even tho it’s just me being terrible again and constantly going back and forth. 

Worse when I can feel whatever it is can’t even control it and it seems it’s impossible not to happen at least once, convinced that everyone just fking despises me and being reminded every time I try to have a good interaction that no one I know actually likes me and thinks I’m pathetic probably or against me. 
then I have to fight myself over and over until I still do something or say smth in some way that I think makes absolute sense.

Now I doubt if I should be getting “better” at all since I’m already convinced it’s always going to continue over and over too and has been, I’m so confused anymore. So much pain feels like and I don’t even know what I want and can’t ever decide. 
I don’t even know what my thoughts are supposed to be. How do I even manage any of it anymore???