This was my third therapy session not including my initial assessment. So I walked in first with my usual "I'm doing okay" stance and started talking about whatever problem came first to my head. I always jump from issue to issue expecting her to instantly solve them I guess. I started discussing my inability to latch onto any hobby and my impulsiveness, which led to uncertainty about what my interests are and who I am, which then led to how I sort of adapt (mimic as she suggests) to other people through their moods and interests. 

About 40 mins in there was a 'gotcha' moment and she said that a lot of the time she has noticed that I'm sort of masking and trying to tell her what she wants to hear. We laughed about this because it was just so true and it led to the realisation that I'm so confused about myself and my emotions. Like I don't know I'm really empathetic and I know emotions for others and understand them. But for myself it's like it's hard to pin down what emotion I'm feeling because I really do just run away from this and have a neutral mood. But then again I don't because I do feel anger, I do feel sadness, happiness and confusion. I feel joy and shock. But I don't know speaking about my emotions just feel so hard and she really pinpointed this for me. I was actually kind of happy that she brought attention to the fact that I'm masking - as she said - because I feel like it did bring me closer to her and more comfortable. It did however lead to me kind of being confused about who I am for a bit though. 

But we did this little art task where I had to draw out my emotions and I sort of struggled with it because I don't know I feel like my emotions are normal and hard to map out. Like I start of with my neutral emotion, and then that can go to any other emotion depending on the circumstances. Isn't this normal for everyone? I felt like there was a trick within this task that I wasn't getting. It's normal to hide emotions, right? How does everyone else handle emotions? How do you see emotions? 

I've been thinking that I perhaps want to start journaling so I can just sort of show her. Would this be weird to do? I feel like if I were to journal again it would all just be a lie or cover up but on paper instead of verbally.  I feel I'm too aware and too used to being what people want me to be. She told me that I'm very good at talking and using using my charm which I know I am, and that what I spoke about wasn't exactly a lie and is very valid. But I think she just sees me as an uncertain person who doesn't know who I am. It kinda of makes me feel like maybe I'm faking my need for therapy and I'm actually just okay. But I know I'm not.