I'm about to become an adult in a few months and all I can think about is just dying. I don't have a lot of friends to talk to because we keep moving so much. I'm failing my classes as I can't concentrate on anything anymore. I don't enjoy my previous hobbies anymore. I keep telling myself stuff like "I'll be gone by then..." whenever something is mentioned about the future. I can't stop sleeping or eating. I cry myself to sleep every night mostly for no reason. I bought a razorblade a few days ago without really any thought behind it except "just in case", now it scares me that I have it but I can't get rid of it (I have never used it).

If I really think about it, my life isn't bad at all. I have parents who love me very much and I would have plenty of opportunity to make friends when I attend college in just a few weeks. But I have been feeling like this for almost 3 years now, even when I did have some few close friends. I have periods of extreme happiness for a few hours which turn into extreme lows the same day and end up with me crying to sleep. I know I don't have the guts to use the razorblade but the fact that I bought it without even thinking scares me a lot. I don't know why I can't seem to get rid of it. It lies behind my clothes, and everyday I see it, I get more scared.

I can't ever tell this to my family, ever. I don't think I am suicidal, I don't have the guts for it but I also don't really like my life at all. Sometimes I hope I just die of natural causes.

Sorry for the long post but thank you if you read it till the end.