I just broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago, after two years because I made some huge mistakes. A couple days later we've been talking on the phone and I just lost it, I don't know what was in my head. I cut my wrist with a kitchen knife, it wasn't sharp though, barely scratched it. I was so desparate I went to the top of the building and I considered jumping. He called the police,  they guarded me until the ambulance came. I got into a mental hospital, two days in a closed room because Covid, and they gave me a lot of sedatives. A judge decided that they enforce that I stay in the hospital by some law. For my own good.
 
Two days later I got transfered to an other hospital, stayed there for a week. My suicide attemt was on Monday last week, I got admitted to a hospital immediately. I wasn't able to change clothes until Saturday, when my parents visited me and brought me some clothing. The doctors haven't said me anything, I wasn't able to talk to anyone. They just gave me some tests to fill out. Once they sent me to a group therapy session made for people with addictions. I was never addicted to anything.

I got antidepressants and I started doing better but I'm afraid they'll make me a zombie or addicted to the pills which I don't want to. But I also don't want to come off of them because I'm afraid I will try to kill myself again. I should go to a therapist covered by health insurance but in my country the therapists that are covered by health insurance are just incompetent - see that they sent me to deal with my nonexistent addictions insead of talking to me.

I hate the pills and I should get a private therapist but I am an uni student and I can't afford it. Before I got admitted to the mental hospital I tried to call the places where I could get some therapy covered by insurance, none of them answered the phone. I'm really afraid of attemting suicide again. I just want to solve the problems with my boyfriend. I know I made mistakes and he did too, we will go to couple therapy together but we don't know yet if we will try to fix it or just say goodbye peacefully to eachother. 

He had some red flags, but he was a loving and caring person and I just love him so much. I don't want to lose him. But more likely than not I will and my heart just wrecks when I think about it. He helped me with my anxiety and made me love myself, I got out of depression because of him. I miss him so much that I can barely breathe, just before I was on meds. I really want to fix this relationship, but I can't force him. And if he decides that he wants to end things alltogether, I might commit suicide - this time for real.