First of all, I'm not diagnosed with BPD. I've got bipolar disorder (type 2), but I've got some of the BPD traits, which makes me being kinda "on the edge", and since my problem seems to be more common among those with BPD, I guess that this sub is the right place to ask for advice.

I'd like to say a big THANK YOU to u/SickSadWorld_7 for their [thread about normalizing having a favourite person](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/e7zw34/we_need_to_stop_normalizing_having_an_fp/). Even if I had some of the same thoughts during the last year, it was kinda eye-opening and a good reminder.

Now, the last weeks I've really been in a bad place. A bit more than two years ago I met the person I consider to be "favourite person". In the beginning and through the first year it was a pretty close friendship. They live about 5 hours away, but we were talking a lot and hanging out whenever we could - and both were pretty hyped, staying in contact, texting a lot etc. It was the perfect friendship, and then I didn't recognize that things could be kinda "wrong" and unhealthy as there was nothing to worry about. 

About a year ago, new things were happening in their life, they got a lot more stuff to do and it was mostly me trying to keep up the talk and staying in contact. As they're living quite far away, I couldn't see what's been going on in their life, so I was quite stuck in my head, pretty bad at mentalizing and just felt pretty rejected. I started overthinking, believing they hated me, didn't want to be friends anymore - and it became pretty obvious that my whole world was circulating around them. I guess I became "too much" for them, constantly craving attention, and everything went really bad when I was drinking a lot, taking a lot of benzos and texting them something like "I love you, thanks for being a really good friend, but now I guess I'm gonna die". I didn't remember anything of that when I woke up, and they got really concerned. After that we weren't talking for some days, but "sorted things out" and talked about everything I felt, what they felt - and I really worked a lot with getting better, changing my thought patterns, being more aware and trying to calm down when feeling overwhelmed, not texting them every time I felt the urge and just trying to trust that they want to be my friend.

I also went to therapy, which helped in some ways - and things got better. I stopped drinking, and I told my doc to never ever give me benzos again - and that also helped a lot, but I guess it was not enough. I kept "relapsing" when it comes to the thought patterns, the urge to text them, not having control when I felt overwhelmed and I felt they were blocking me out more and more (which I guess wasn't just a feeling, but an - understandable - fact). 

So now they haven't talked to me or answered for about two months. I think (or know) that I've become too much to handle. The worst thing is not talking it out. I would've accepted if they told me that we can't be friends anymore, or at least not having any contact for quite a long time. It's just not having a chance to "say goodbye" that really keeps me feeling constantly overwhelmed. Even if we can't stay friends, I'd like to say sorry and goodbye. Multiple people that where important parts of my life have died in accidents before, and right now it feels pretty much the same.

Now I blocked them on social media because seeing them popping up in my feed while they're ignoring me made things worse. I also think it could be a good thing not staying friends or at least take a really really long break. I realize that this has been a quite toxic relation that hasn't been good for anyone of us.

Though, even if I realize that's a good thing, I'm in a pretty bad place right now. I'm overthinking constantly, and I'm getting overwhelmed by all feelings at once. I feel sadness, shame, anger, anxiety and depression all at once, and I really don't know how to cope. I feel that I've totally failed at life, pushing away my best friend and making one of the persons I love the most feeling bad about themselves and pushing them to a point where they really had to cut me out to get on with their own life. Mindfulness helps a little bit when I'm not too overwhelmed to begin with, but still, maybe it lasts an hour or something, but I feel it doesn't change anything. It doesn't make the feelings go away, and the thoughts pop up again and again - and I can't concentrate on anything, which also has consequences when it comes to work and studies. I feel I'm in the same situation where I started popping pills and drinking a lot before, so I'm kinda happy I stopped with that - but right now I feel it makes thing so much harder to handle, because I don't have a good substitute either.

So, yeah, I'd be pretty happy if anyone has some good advices, techniques, other perspectives and thoughts or whatever. Thank you SO much if you really read this whole wall of text! That means pretty much to me!