I have always had a few best friends. People that have been through thick and thin with me. Over time two of them are out of state, and the other is across the state.

My last best friend and I have had our ups and downs in the past. We stopped being friends before, but at that point it was my decision and I had a different mindset. Being friends with her had a lot of unnecessary drama, as she has bpd and I have “quiet bpd” or all of my symptoms are expressed only alone by myself, and not outward towards people or things.

Anyways, she stopped being my friend in February. It was the day I had my first real mental breakdown, tried to break up with my loving (and luckily, forgiving) fiancé and had no control of my thoughts or emotions. I had never felt more mentally unhinged than in that moment. When I didn’t actually break up with him, she was upset. She said he was holding me back. And she stopped being my friend, blocked me on everything, and I haven’t seen or heard from her since. 
I’m not here for reasons why she stopped being my friend. I’m here because I think about her every day. I’m reminded of the fun we had in between the drama and I always think of things I want to tell her, because only she would understand. We just clicked. We were complete opposites but somehow we just worked together. 

As much as it hurts, and it hurts a lot, I know I can’t be friends with her again. She was a bad influence, wanting to do things that I wasn’t allowed to do because of my relationship boundaries, personal boundaries, and simply they were crazy ideas usually. She would get upset when I denied her ideas. I don’t know if I was her FP, but I know I was the only person that really knew her other than her dad. She didn’t have other close friends, only many many acquaintances. I feel used for my attention and time, and I feel betrayed. She didn’t even ask why I tried to end my long term relationship when I never, ever, talked about it before.

I worry about her, I worry if she’s still in the same house, the same city, same state? Is she even still alive? I’m upset of course, but I worry a lot about her and her own mental state right now. I should be focusing on my own, and I’m working on it, but she’s always on the back of my mind.

I want to move on, but the memories of her are everywhere, and they’re more bitter than sweet. Without her, I’m left with no close-by friends, which feels like no friends at all. It triggered my newly uncovered abandonment issues. Triggered a negative spiral pattern. I can’t put that on her, because I’m responsible for my own emotions, but it just made everything feel that much worse. 

Any advise or thoughts are appreciated, because I have no one else to ask since my fiancé now hates her. And I can’t talk to my parents because then I would have to explain everything, which I will not. I’m trying to find a new therapist, but in the meantime I’m writing this. P.S: I’m a young adult, not a teenager going through friend drama. I’m an adult, and this is the first time I’ve been forcibly removed from someone’s life. The first time I’ve lost a friend closer than family. 
Thank you for your time✌🏻