*TW*  《Obviously talking about abuse and trauma so if that's hard for you probably skip this one》

Okay first off, I am one seriously confused person right now, and just trying to sort myself out and put some kind of order to the world. Forgive me if I fuck up.


During childhood, I am told, what my life was was abusive. Mother, father, step father etc. All in their own ways very abusive. Now, I lived with these people and this was my world and this WAS the world and how it is. 

I had to be told, several times, by shrinks, that what I lived wasn't 'normal'. 
I did not believe it. In some ways I still don't.  


I was always weirdly PROUD of how I could scale an icy roof and jimmy open a window to get into my house when they locked me out. I was PROUD that I could take a punch or being thrown down a flight of stairs without crying. I was PROUD that I could find my way home no matter how far away from it they dropped me off and left me. I was PROUD that I had the foresight to stash food, money, contact numbers and an escape bag.

I know it's weird.

Then I grew up -screwed up- and was told I was some kind of victim. Didn't really feel it.. but okay. 

Now I'm here on reddit and I read the BPD SO's posts and unanimously they say "we" are abusive. 
Because of yelling, or falling apart (which is abusive for them to have to witness and deal with), or not being supportive, harsh criticisms, splitting, selfishness and general shitty behaviour.


Now I'm not judging, some of these people HAVE been through the wringer truly, I don't interact I just listen because I want to learn but.. confusion.

I've never hit anybody. I've never full out attacked anybody. I've never stalked anyone or tried to screw up their work or family. Never isolated anyone just so I could tell them they are worthless. 
I recognize that as abusive. That's not me.


I do yell (working on it). I do get overwhelmed and bolt, or hide. I do seek constant reassurance (ahem, doing it now), I am selfish and have a terrible time seeing another person's perspective. I am impulsive and a control freak. Full disclosure. I am not pleasant or easy.

But am I abusive? No really, I need to know, is that what normal people consider abusive?

To me, if I'm not burning you, beating you into the ground, raping you, locking you in a room for weeks, isolating you, abandoning you in dangerous areas, humiliating you in public or offering you up sexually to my friends.. I'm not abusive. 


How skewed is my view here? I can imagine that someone  who has been treated like they're important their whole life would be upset to be yelled at for nothing. Is that how it is? If you FEEL abused you ARE abused?If so, and I never felt it, does that mean the shrinks were wrong? Is it subjective, or objective? 

I lived the first half of my life not knowing I was abused.. have I somehow managed to live the second half of my life not knowing I am abusive?

Because that's a seriously horrifying thought.

Again,  obviously, I am super confused right now about what is real, and what other people see/feel/think. Any guidance /discussion will be greatly appreciated. 
I am working myself over trying to take a good hard look at wtf I am, so I can change for the better. Whatever that may be.

(And don't worry I've haven't been in any kind of relationship for almost five years (by choice) no one is in any kind of 'danger'.)



*Tl:dr  I went through pretty rough abuse as a kid and never realized it. Now I recognize "abuse" as stuff like I went through. People who weren't abused (NT's) seem to see far milder behaviours as abusive. For normal people... are things like yelling and erratic behaviour "abuse"? Have I been abusive without knowing it? Are my definitions/concepts warped because of my past?
Brutal honesty needed. Attempting to change.