I’ve (19F) started college earlier this year, I was in a relationship (19M) my senior year of highschool that lasted the entire year and ended April before we went off to college. He got diagnosed with BPD during our relationship and he got abusive to say the least (emotionally). He would always get mad at me for EVERYTHING and was extremely insecure. I had a hard time with this because I understood where he came from. I was the same in my previous relationship before him.

That relationship I had before him I was a junior in hs and it taught me a lot because it broke me at the time. I was emotionally abusive, I needed to be in control and needed to always know what was going on and would blow things out of proportion and when he left I was a wreck for about a year before I was ready to move on. ( we only dated 5 months) I moved to a new state with my family shortly after because I ended up in a mental hospital. By the middle of my junior year I was gone. 

Since then I learned how to manage my BPD more effectively and when I got into that relationship my senior year I was ready to put all the new skills I learned to use, unfortunately he had bpd undiagnosed and it was like dealing with myself. This broke me because I wanted to help him but I had to leave him to help him.
He lost it and wouldn’t leave me alone for a few weeks to a month before going no contact. It got to the point in our relationship that I couldnt be intimate I resented him.


Flash forward to August we started our freshmen years of college and become friends, we don’t go to the same college and he ends up dropping out 2nd semester. We became friends at the start of college and have been since, we talk pretty consistently but its odd. I love him deeply but I cant tell if its always platonic, college has been tough on me. I had alot of issues with hypersexuality and an extreme weightloss it all led to me not being able to emotionally commit and the idea of it at times can make me sick and its been this way since that relationship. Sometimes I cant imagine being with anyone else other then my ex even though I dont tend to think of him outside of our conversations everyday. He's one of my best friends and we both acknowledge how important our relationship is to eachother. It's hard because I know I'm over it and it really doesnt consume me or my thoughts but it lingers. When I listen to music or go on a date I'll see things that remind me of him from other people.

He's admitted this same thing to me before I had the chance to notice that I do it too. He's been in one relationship since and it lasted about a month, we didnt talk until it ended. He never kept in contact with her and its been the same with me and guys I've talked to, we haven't been able to have funcitoning romantic relationships since. It's hard because I don't think we are in love or anything but I think of being with him again and he's one of the only people I think I could commit to, we've had multiple conversations on how we could work at a couple if we were ready. Honestly sometimes I feel like it's just me who wouldnt be ready, Im at a point where commitment seems like alot and it scares me but I do crave it, I've fantasized about a life with other guys but it's always short lived like I'm forcing it. 

It was a huge change in me, I went from loving who ever would let me love them to not loving anyone at all ever and only being comfortable with platonic sexual relationships.(NOT WITH MY EX) Sometimes I cant tell if my ex is crutch for me to love someone and convince myself I dont have a problem or if i still do love him. It makes me feel like a terrible person because I never want to and try my hardest to not string him along I just DONT KNOW. This is a battle I didnt know I would be facing, I just dont know what to do, why can't I feel anything anymore.