I know this sounds contradictory but I really feel like I'm doing the best I've been during the last years while at the same time being aware that I'm more suicidal. I just am convinced that I won't be here for much longer and so I haven't been worrying much about anything. Have been going out and socializing a lot after three years of barely leaving the house and talking to my own family. I look and feel the best I've looked and felt for quite some time but also know that I don't want to be here and it just feels certain. I'm somehow at peace with the idea of "bieng gone" soon so I'm strangely happy, I don't know. I have been thinking a lot about what I'm going to give to who before going and all that. It doesn't feel as sad as I imagined it would. Have been also trying to create happier memories with other people so they'll have them later and have been busy doing things I always wanted to in somewhat a hurry due to wanting to get to the end of the list so I can feel more at peace. Does anyone else feel like this?