I cant tell if im depressed. Ive realized a month ago or so that i dont remember the last time i was happy. I started focusing on my behavior and realized im never happy. Feeling content and like upbeat? Is the closest thing to happiness i feel. i remember every time i felt exited in the last 2 months and it was 2 times,because my makeup looked really good and i realized i may not be so ugly,and when i was going to a club and was exited to get drunk and meet people. It seems to revolve around my social skills. Im a very shy person and it ruined my life,i fucking hate that i cant make a conversation and that makes me hate myself,every time i have a good meaningful conversation i feel confident and good about myself and everything. Or generally,when i have a good time with friends i feel really good but again wouldn’t call it happiness. I also think im really ugly and look like a 12-year old so when someone proves me otherwise in any way i instantly feel better. But i feel like this is more than insecurity,when i look ugly in a picture or i cant make a conversation it triggers something in me and i feel horrible until i get home and cry about it and my whole life, i feel hopeless,depressed,alone and generally fucking horrible when that happens. 

I tend to feel the worst at night i feel it coming,that random wave of depression i just sit there crying about everything that ever happened to me and at that moment i want to die and i feel just terrible,but as soon as i stop crying i feel fine again. I noticed i dont feel truly horrible until i start crying,and the second i start crying it makes it this little depressive episode that happens almost everyday and lasts like a half an hour.Im not really thinking about suicide but there have been like 2 times i was having one of those little depressive episodes and it i genuinely wanted to die at the moment i have never felt so hopeless as i did then,but again,i just stopped crying and it passed.
i cant live like this and i dont even know if im depressed because im not able to go to therapy because im not 18 and there is no way in hell im explaining all this to my parents. (Also sorry for my english its my second language)