Since I was able to understand the family dynamic was my sisters came first and were pitted against me the “slow one” I have severe ADD and emotional trauma that manifests itself in multiple ways due to my family. Because of her upbringing and the whole thing with my father she has a negative predisposition towards men and has tried to control and suppress and masculine tendencies I’d have which carried into my adult life. To placate my mother and family I settled into the role of being the slow witted one they ushered me into. I was mostly kept inside not in a “helicopter parent”way but in a “I don’t want to have to deal with you” way. Because of how my mother raised me and her own issues I’m very socially and emotionally inept. And it’s treated as my fault for not adapting fast enough lot of firsts went horribly wrong a lot of problems due to ineptitude. I was left to deal with my own depression alone, mocked for being depressed, not allowed to be depressed, angry, have an opinion, to want, it even feels like if I enjoy something I’m wrong anything I do is wrong I’m just tired of it and even giving up and giving in is seen as defiance