Tomorrow I am going to a 5 day retreat for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I wrote a post about going 3 months ago in June, that I went at that time. But I had to leave after 1 day, I have an issue with blockages in my ears, but in the past it was something that always happened in 1 ear. In June, 4 days before I went it happened in both ears, I was pretty much deafened, it made it so I could only hear at all if the person was yelling or speaking loudly from 2 feet away. I went to the retreat anyway in June, it had been something I had been looking towards for months and though I had found it my social worker and therapist had been needed to be accepted, not going seemed foolish as it may easily have looked liked avoidance or an excuse, so I went anyway despite not being able to hear. I stayed for dinner and one of the 3 therapists took me into town to the hospital to get my ear flushed, had tried the ear washing kit from the pharmacy, but am afraid of hospitals.

We waited 8 ours at the hospital, it was the middle of the night when we returned, but the doctor tried a number of times, the blockages were quite severe. I slept, we hoped at least one ear would open overnight, but it did not, so I could not participate and had to leave. It was thankfully after I had been in therapy 7 months, to be honest it took a great deal of willpower not to react in a way, anger or extreme depression or suicidality if I am honest, that would have likely prevented me from returning.

It was honestly incredibly disappointing, I was new to therapy, it honestly felt like the universe itself did not want healing for the trauma, that in the end I had deserved it. It made it harder that I had never experienced anything like the near full deafness before, it was 5 days into that, really incredibly frustrating. But I just kept reminding myself it was a blockage, that I was not permanently deaf, that the people there were being sincere that I could return in September. That was a big thing in truth.

At heart I was convinced I would never be able to return, that the universe wouldn't allow it, that the therapists in charge did not like me and wouldn't have it, that they were lying to me to be kind. But I did everything I could think of well I was still there, through breakfast and lunch until my ride could get me from where I live 5 hours away. I phoned my actual therapist, but mostly I sat alone and chained smoked, if someone talked to me I tried to be nice and polite, and I simply reminded myself that all the evidence showed this would be possible in September, that only by acting out could I fuck it up.

So I left well, pretending hopefulness I did not feel, with everyone's well wishes. Now I return tomorrow. Disability is paying for my ride, I am taking the train for the first time. It was really a wonderful place. There were the 3 therapists, it is a small program with 12 men or woman in a group, one group at a time 10 times a year, at a fancy cottage on a lake in the woods. It had, though I did not see it as I was not there so long, a beach area and woods with paths and an obstacle course. It practices a relational type of therapy that is similar to my own therapist.

It was really an enormous opportunity, I am grateful I can return, it is the only thing like it in the province or indeed the country. There are other types of retreats for CSA, but they are very expensive and not covered by anyone. This is run privately, but is the only one like it that is covered by the provincial health care, with a referral from a therapist or social worker and a pretty short wait list. Anyway, I am hopeful. It was very hard to see it at the time, but it may be better I am going now rather than June.

Despite the fact I accepted it intellectually I had not got past the self blame thing regarding the abuse as a kid, not at any real emotional level, that was something I only really got to 1 month ago, therapy itself has helped me enormously. I am trying to be reasonable with my hopes. But having got past the self blame, I hope for some real processing.Therapy itself has helped so much. I have gotten a first part time job, and another one I start in 9 days after this when the first job ended due to seasonal reasons.

I am 1 credit from finishing highschool, I am taking the bookwork with me in the hopes of doing it during down times. I have officially lost the GAD diagnosis, now it is just the autism, PTSD BPD stuff, and depression, and as things are going it looks like the depression diagnosis will be gone in a few months. I have reduced the drinking so it no longer badly harms me or affects my loved ones, and I have gone on 2 dates for the first time in 37 years. Things have improved enormously. But 10 months now of therapy has helped me to process 1 of the "big T' trauma" things out of what appears to be 16 or 18 things, I am hopeful this will help some of that stuff. Anyway, I hope everyone on this sub is wonderful, that things go incredibly well, and thank anyone who reads this.