purpose? Is it to be here for others while they do away with me when I am in pain and need the friend they found in me? Why am I here? 

Raped very young for many years. Sold by these guys to many men over and over again. Beaten. 

Had a year of no rape. Got lost. Asked for help. Got raped and kidnapped for two days. 

It was “my fault for not staying home/for not saying anything”. 

First attempt at suicide when I was still a teen. But a voice came over me and said “I’ll protect you let me take care of you”. My personality split. Or? Not sure. I remember that during these years I had no pain. No emotion. But everyone kept tell me to get help with my anger. I got help. Now I feel. I feel all the emotions I felt before. “It’s healing”, they said. Well it’s been 8 years and I am still in pain. 

Being abandoned. All time by my alleged friends. Friends that were going through stuff themselves. And they needed a friend. And I was there. Where are they today? Where can I find one of them! You’re too much, I can’t deal with you. I am not a therapist. I am not your husband. Yet I was there for you. 

I will probably die alone. Because no one cares. “You have so much to offer”. What do you have to offer me? What? You’re not even here.  You’re there doing your happy life while I am here dying. 

That’s only part of what has happened to me. But who else can I tell when no one IRL wants to hear me? 

I just want to die. I have a gun. My fear is that somehow I fuck that up to and remain a vegetable. I just want this pain to end. And the only way for it to end is to take myself out.