I always tried to be normal, to behave – I would get my outbursts here and there, but I was mostly a fully functioning person. 

Then I got diagnosed when I was seeking help so I would be better for my SO at the time. 

They left me shortly after, and let me tell you, it’s been HELL. 

But I realized, I didn’t have to behave normally, because I’m not normal, I’m sick, I am mentally ill. I didn’t ask to be born this way – I know my actions are still my responsibility, there’s always that thought in the back of my head, but I just don’t **feel** it. I didn’t inflict the trauma to myself to become this way, it’s not my fault.   
It’s been liberating. I have a lot more problems now because I don’t feel like holding back, but it feels so good to not feel guilty of who I am and what I feel.

Now, after 1 year+ that my SO left me, it still hurts and I still miss them, but when I feel a connection to someone and I get my hopes up, it’s so good. It’s like a drug. Even if it also has a comedown when I realize they don’t feel the same for me. 

I love getting butterflies every time my crush talks to me, sends me a message or hangs out with me. 

I don’t wanna get treatment, I don’t want to get better, because I’m already better. I am me. 

I guess it’s like a rollercoaster, and I don’t want to get off to a boring ride. I am happy, I am in pain, I am suffering. And I like all of it.