i'm generally not a very angry person but this is just grinding me down rn. i started getting help this year for depression and anxiety i've had most of my life. it was my first semester of college and i basically had to threaten to drop out to get help since i could barely function, and my parents only started taking it seriously now that i nearly lost all of my scholarships.

since i got back home my mom keeps trying to get me to talk and trying to help me but she's not listening at all and it's infuriating because she's keeps acting like she didn't know how bad it got when in reality she just didn't care until my grades tanked. 

i've had frequent panic attacks since middle school and she's seen them plenty of times, and she knows i have basically no social life and am always exhausted. but i've been pretty high functioning in the past so i was willing to give her benefit of the doubt cause you know hindsight and all, but then i ended up telling her that i've been suicidal since like sixth grade and she was just like "oh i know", and i found out that apparently i've said stuff before during panic attacks (i can barely remember them usually)(i also suspect i may have asked for help before but i'm not sure since i can't remember). 

i just have no idea what to even think or say cause she's trying to help me now and she really wishes she did something sooner but i also feel like she's just trying to play both sides of the story and it's suffocating. the fact is that it just didn't matter if i was miserable or hurting myself and the only thing that matters is my grades.

i'm not even that mad about the fact that it took this long, just that she suddenly is forcing herself into this to "help" me and can't even bother to not contradict herself