This whole year has been a shit show for me. The quarantine made me lose my job, moved me back to my hometown, I lost 3 friends and I haven’t grieved them properly. I go from wanting to die and remembering those I lost this year and feel so fucking guilty. Then I hate myself all the more. I feel trapped by motherhood and I feel like I failed my child at the same time. I am completely broke. Have used up my savings from working multiple jobs last year just keep up float and I have been on survival mode for so long, that I am so spent. I am so fucking spent I’ve had nothing left for myself and I am so scared to have nothing left to give to my kid.


On top of everything, I am losing my hair. And I am losing it like a man. And all the more I am feeling worthless and ugly and unloveable. Everything hurts. The world is so unkind to me. I did nothing wrong, I am kind, I am fucking empathic, I screw up and I’m depressed but I never meant to do those things on purpose. I am so fucking tired of everything. And I just think this is it. That nothing is going to fucking get better soon, or at all. That even when the pandemic ends, I won’t be able to get back on my feet. That I’m just gonna keep losing hair. That my friends won’t come back to life no matter how much I deny that. That I’m a fucking terrible mother to even worry about my hair or being loved.



I want to fucking die, I am directionless. I don’t even have a support system of friends because they’re all tired of my depressed sob party. I am a burden to absolutely everyone. I want to fucking die. I don’t know what to do, or if there’s anything I could do to help. And I’m here and I’m concluding that Bothing is gonna get better and I just want to die. Dying will solve all of it. Dying is the only answer.