Do I have bipolar? No, but Whatever I have is a roller coaster, I do have ups and downs and whether it is some form of the disease or not doesn’t really matter to me. My baseline emotion is below most peoples’ , but the lows I can find myself slipping into are debilitating. The devastating feeling of darkness and dread that drown my Brain are impossible to describe in words. It’s as if the only thing you can think of is how much pain you’re in and nothing else but death satisfies you’re cravings for the end of suffering. I’ve never gotten so bad that I’ve had to be hospitalized, thankfully, but that doesn’t stop me from having periods where I would sit in my bed and relish at the thought of my life ending. On the opposite side of the spectrum, when it felt like this all went away, I felt euphoric, the pain finally ends and it’s hard not to be in love with feeling good finally. Because this is it, the light at the end of the tunnel. What the pain has been for, what feels like heaven on earth. It feels good to feel good. But this is not good, the things I could find myself doing in times like these were terrifying to my family. Almost to the point of having the police be called on me and being institutionalized. The big takeaway I’ve learned  is that I don’t think clearly when I was high, or when I was low, emotions hijack your brain and scramble all logic so that rational thinking can be thrown out the window and you either think of all rainbows and butterflies or death and decay of all living organisms. The biggest thing that pisses me off with my brain is how fast I go from being fine to sobbing due to how insanely depressed I am, it’s bullshit and happens for no reason. Does anybody else struggle with bipolar-like symptoms without actually having bipolar like me? Or have I been misdiagnosed