I’ve spent of all my life with outcomes that have wounded me profoundly. I wonder what different things could’ve affected them and how the outcome came to be and hope that if I view it from a different side I’ll feel better. No.

In fact I feel worse, I cope with my consequences through denial and bargaining, Sometimes the outcome can be losing a person.

What did I do? Could I change who I am fundamentally as a person, or learn to cope with the respression of my character in a “healthy” way.

Why try to change identity if not authentic, just behavioral, why do I bother? Who am I? Am I just “me”? Who is me?

Better I accept there is no me, there is no meaning, why bother. Embrace flawed ego, change what your meanng is, because who cares. Fundamentally, meaninglessness results in unendingness. I pick my ends in accord  to whatever I want to feel and turn that meaninglessness into goals to get there.

Except I never get there

So why bother?