I put a trigger warning there because I'll be talking about suicidal thoughts/cancer.

I had a dream last night that I received the news I had cancer, and in the dream, I had to go around to all my loved ones/friends to tell them I had a month to live. It was really sad, I remember crying a lot as I told people that I was going to die soon, and there was nothing to do to save me. 

A lot of people cry when delivering news about their impending death, but in the dream, I was crying because I knew the suffering of the death it would bring my family. Internally, I wasn't afraid of the cancer at all, in fact, I was really relieved by the diagnosis. 

Finally, I thought, it would all be over. In a months' time, I would close my eyes for the last time. No one would hate me for killing myself, and I would finally be at peace. All I wanted was to spend time with the ones I loved, until the end.

These past months I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts constantly. It's on my mind *all the time*. However, I absolutely will never attempt suicide. But the weight of the thoughts, always wanting to die, wishing something would happen, is always on my mind. Wishing a car would hit me, imaging myself falling off a cliff, or getting into a brutal car accident. 

By the end of the dream, I told everyone in my life that I was going to die, and I remember being so relieved. Which is so fucked up, who gets happy when they get a cancer diagnosis? But I was.

It made me realize just how horrifically these thoughts are impacting my life. I want to seek help, but I'm not in a good position to seek it. The mental healthcare system, for people of my income and insurance level, is absolutely garbage. I fear it will do worse than good. 

To be honest, I just really want to give up.