I think my therapist was in love with me and abusive... I feel betrayed.

I am going to summarize a timeline of my therapist and my year long relationship to give you all some background:

1. I met them before they were my therapist where they performed massage work on me. They identified and presented as a woman during this time. They were flustered when they first saw me and introduced themselves to me and then when I was filling out paperwork, I caught them staring at me. I made eye contact with them to show I saw them. During our session, I felt tense around them and physically moved my body away from them when they sat by me due to their staring. I also do have cPTSD and my body was sensing they had a possible attraction towards me. After the session, we talked and they seemed kinda defensive (maybe rejected because I was really closed off from them). They end up telling me they are a therapist and I open up to them and then take their number because I am interested in their work. Several months later, I see them on psychologyToday and decide to give them a chance since they use some of the therapeutic styles I was looking for. 

2. When I first saw them, they looked completely different as they had recently transitioned from a woman to non-binary and cut their hair and wore more butch looking clothes. When they first saw me, they asked for a hug and were super friendly and happy to see me. Our 1 hour diagnostic session ended up being 3 hours. When I tell them our session was going past 1 hour, they say it doesn't matter. I thought they were just very friendly. When they saw me later when I drove away, they smiled and raised their eye brows at me. 

3. The first four months of our therapeutic relationship, they were so warm, empathetic, protective and caring towards me. They were protective of me when I told them about the sexual harassment I experienced at a recent group I was in. They told me that was not a good group for me to go. Now that I look back, it felt like they were trying to Woo me. I remember one time, they even told me that it is best to date another mixed race person (they and I both are mixed race).. My intuition felt like they were hitting on me so I quickly said, "Yes, a mixed race man." At this time, I thought I was only straight. 

4. One time I called them out for doing something that was offensive to my culture. They became very defensive and said they also didn't want me policing them because that practice was part of the queer culture that I may or not be a part of. Then I apologize and tell them I am not part of that community. I notice their moods drops when I tell them I am not part of the queer community. I ask them if they are okay and they say yes. 

5. There were time where a couple of times I felt them looking at my legs in a way that showed me they were attracted. In later sessions, I call them out for sexual staring. They get defensive and say that they look at my body sometimes because it is part of the somatic work they do. We dropped that conversation. 

6. Some months later,  I bring up the group of men who sexually harassed me months before because I wanted to process the trauma. I end up not talking about it further because my therapist made an angry sound and through their body language they seemed mad and/or jealous. 

7. There were times I felt we were just conversing and not really doing therapy. One time, I ask, "How's therapy going?" They told me they would have to look at my therapy paper work next time because they did not have time today since the session as ending. 

8. Before the Holidays, I tell them I am going to miss them for not seeing them in 3 weeks. They tell me we could do a 20 minute session via phone sometime during those weeks, I tell them I would like that but politely decline. The next day, I see them at a grocery store and tell them I as just thinking about them! They acted really shy and said, "you were.."

9.  When we get back from the Holidays and not seeing each other for 3 weeks, I notice immediately they become cold with me. I ask them if they are okay or mad at me. They tell me they are not mad at me, they are just setting boundaries on their emotions and they are not always bubbly. This coldness goes on and I wonder if they are mad.They became more cruel, dismissive and judgmental. For instance, one time I tell them I am interested in going in the sex industry and they seemed to judge me with their body language and told me they could not tell me what to do as they were my therapist. The next session, I tell them it bothers me they didn't help me dig into why I was interested in going into the industry (sexual trauma) and that it felt like they did not care (see how they acted differently than before when they were very protective of me?). One session, I tell them I get really excited to see them every week. They do not look at me and instead look at a computer they are typing on and say,"Yeah, I know, I get excited to see you, too." Then I say, "but really.." and they say without making eye contact, "Well, I guess you are going to have to believe me!" I keep asking them if they are mad at me.. and at one point, they yell at me, "I am not mad!" During this session, I noticed I started flirting with them when they are mad (fawning) like I would with a man.

10.  The next session, I tell them their recent transitioning to look at and act more masculine (trans masculine) was triggering me even though I knew they were were not a man and safe. They became mad at offended and told me they were not a man and identified more with the woman's experience. I told them this was not about them changing themselves to be more feminine for me, it was about us not being the right fit. They angrily shrugged their shoulders like they would not care if I left. I asked them where they thought this fear of mine was coming from and they said they thought I had a masculine core that I was uncomfortable with which is why I was uncomfortable with them (Whoa... projection, gas-lighting, and making me into the problem). They then made a passive aggressive comment mocking the way I spoke saying that a lot of women perform femininity. During this session, it was obvious they also did not want to lose me as a client as they also told me a reason why we were a good fit and then told me they would read an email I had sent them months ago. 

11.  Then at the next session, I can tell they are mad at me are short with me and didn't open the door for me and it almost shut in my face. I felt bad for offending them and worried they saw me as trans-phobic due to my comment the week before. But I also notice I am feeling attracted to them so I tell them I am attracted to them. They ask me if that is going to be a problem and that we needed to set a boundary so I could not talk about my attraction to them. They seemed shocked but also flattered a bit. They convince me why we are a good fit when I question our fit. 

12. The following week, I tell them I want to speak only on the phone due to COVID. They asked if we were going to zoom and I tell them I want to only speak on the phone-- a big reason I did was I was uncomfortable with my attraction with them because I was questioning if I was really queer. During our phone session, they were super irritated with me (perhaps felt rejected because I only wanted to speak on the phone?) and short and judgmental when I talked about my internalized homophobia/transphobia I was working through and I was unsure if I was even queer. At one point  I told them I needed them to be mindful of when I push them away due to disorganized attachment and I thought about seducing them to mess things up. I tell them sometimes I worry they will become sexually attracted to be due to my trauma history. They interrupt me and harshly said, "can I just say that I am NOT sexually attracted to you." At the end of the session, they help me figure out I am queer.

13. During our next session, I ask them if we can discuss the erotic transference because I was reading it could be healing for my sexual trauma history. They say, "they will think about it.." Then they decide to talk about it for a bit: we discuss idealization/devaluation and transference from my sexually abusive father. They ask why I think I am attracted to them then abruptly say, "well, I am not attracted to you.... but they still care about me" I stay silent for some seconds because one again they said this harshly especially because they knew I had a history of not feeling attractive because my abuser used to call me unattractive. When I tell them it is good they are not attracted to me but it still does not feel good with a chuckle, they chuckle and say, "Yeah..."

14. Before our next session, I tell them I love them. During our next phone session, they seemed really flustered and kept changing the boundaries. First they said they didn’t want to process or talk about it. Next, they asked if I could still work with them and if the erotic transference would get in the way. Then they recommended I speak to another therapist or person about my attraction to them. Then I told them I didn’t agree with that as talking about erotic transference can be therapeutically healing... then they agreed with me it can be good to talk about But I was going too fast and we needed to reestablish boundaries. Then they were like we can talk about it later... just not today as they had to set boundaries. Then it seemed like they wanted to know why I called and I told them I am honest about my feelings and am not ashamed of them.. but I feel really confident \[they cried out a "noo" when I started saying this, almost like they were afraid I would say I didn't mean that I loved them\] i wouldn’t have called them if I wasn’t drunk and it wouldn’t happen again. They told me they trusted that it wouldn’t happen again due to my self control. I told them I am not ashamed of my feelings though, and they told me I shouldn’t be. Then I told them I understand if they are creeped out because they told me they weren’t attracted to me.. or if they have a history of being stalked. They said no, they can handle their countertransference. I told them there shouldn’t be so many rules in therapy except general boundaries like nothing can happen sexually with therapist and don’t call your therapist late. I asked them what the boundaries were and they said they were somatic boundaries and couldn’t name them in the moment. I asked them to come up with boundaries for our next session so I know not to cross them. I told them their I felt limited by their rules of not talking about the attraction as it is limiting my therapeutic progress. Then I asked them if we would be able to talk about the attraction at they said “yes.” In a really unsure and sad way. Then in a sad way they said they see a lot of potential in us doing erotic transference work. I thanked them for not referring me to another therapist because I thought they would. They quickly said some therapists do but that they wouldn’t unless it happened frequently (by the way they said it, it was obvious they considered referring me out). It is obvious they did want me to lose them as client.. after this session, I wondered why they were so scared to talk about transference when they admitted to trusting my self control?! My Intuition tells me they do not have much experience in erotic transference but also they are suppressing/are afraid of their own feelings for me. I feel like they like me too and are afraid of getting their feelings hurt with the transference.

15. During the next session, I tell them they kept going back and forth with boundaries and it was very confusing.  they said they feel clear that their issue last session was more about re establishing boundaries and not just brushing past what happened (but beginning of call last week they said they didn’t want to talk about it—so confusing!). They then said they are comfortable talking about erotic transference. I asked them if they have experience in doing erotic transference, they said yes but wanted to make sure trust and boundaries are created in relationships before so transference doesn’t get in way of therapy growth. They then said they trust my self control so are ok with doing it. I told them I was suspicious that maybe they were suppressing feelings about me and that they were withholding healing like my abusive father. They told me that was transference and they were Not withholding healing from me due to own feelings. Then they asked why I called and said I loved them after our good session where they told me they were not attracted to me and I felt helpful about it. I told them I didn’t believe they didn’t like me due to past trauma history, I was testing, and also saying how I felt in the moment.

16. The following week they text me saying they cannot have their session this week because things are feeling unsustainable and crazy with everything going. I text them asking if this was specifically about our relationship or general therapy, they say general therapy.

17. Then in our next session, they tell me that they were going to they have to limit our 1.5 hour sessions to 60 minutes only and only meet every 2 weeks now. I tell them that I think it is best for us to end our therapy because I am looking for a therapist who can handle talking about transference. Then to protect their ego, they say, "Oh yeah, I was going to tell you that I am not a psycho dynamic therapist and that I was not trained in erotic transference." (Even though the session before they said they have worked with it before??) Then they say they didn't know other psycho dynamic therapists to refer me to. I tell them I do not need help finding another therapist. Then they tell me well don't you think it is sucks that we are not able to say good bye in person with everything going on and I say yes. Then they start sniffling on the phone (allergies or crying?) and we talk about how much we care about each other and will miss each other. We talk about the good things we learned in the session. They tell me them only meeting every 2 weeks had nothing to do with me and they were just burnt out and needed to talk to their therapist. I ask them if I could ever check in and they said yes I could especially in the next two weeks now that they are free on some weeks. Then we said goodbye. 

I think this therapist exhibited  the following toxic behaviors: 1. They should not have chose and continued seeing me as client if they felt attracted to me. 2. Giving me special privileges because they liked me 3. Going hot to cold, punishing me by holding affection and gas-lighting and making me the problem 3. Passive aggressiveness that made me feel like I had to protect their feelings and walk on egg shells. 4. Everything became about their feelings and what they wanted 5. passive aggressively not letting me speak about certain topics even though I was in therapy 5. Was not handling their counter-transference well and were confused about their feelings resulting in pushing-pulling/ disorganized like dynamic 

I am looking for validation of my feelings on their abusive/toxic behavior towards me and attraction to help me process this betrayal and how I can move forward. If anyone else has gone through a similar experience let me know. This betrayal has weighed heavy on me because it reminds me of how I realized my own father was sexually attracted to me. He also stared at me, went from hot to cold for me, lowered my self-esteem by telling me he was not attracted to me, and put his anger on me due to his denial and fear of being attracted to me.