I started dating my first boyfriend a couple months ago. I already love him more than anything in the world. Before I was with him I wasn't necessarily actively depressed or suicidal, but I was very empty and lonely. I was kind of drifting through life on auto pilot day in and day out. I didn't really have much to be happy about or look forward to. Now that I'm with my boyfriend I've never felt this happy in my life. He makes me feel safe and comfortable and I enjoy every moment I spend with him. Being with him has given me a sense of purpose and I now have a future to look forward to.

On the other hand though I have been experiencing really bad depressive episodes. When I'm not with him I feel lonely and I miss him so much it hurts. I can't really find enjoyment in things anymore unless I'm doing them with him or it is related to him in some way. I get extremely paranoid that I am annoying him or that he doesn't like me anymore and it can cause me to literally become depressed until I see him again. Something as simple as a change in his tone of voice, going a night without saying goodnight/ily, or even sometimes nothing at all, are all things that can cause me to go into a downward spiral. I feel extremely lonely without him, and I am scared of what I would do if we ever broke up. 

I didn't realize I had BPD until I started dating him. The last time I had a friend/boyfriend was in elementary school (besides a couple online friends). I never realized I had a fear of abandonment this bad. I am sometimes so scared of him breaking up with me that I feel like I should just end things first before he does it. I am usually aware that I am overreacting though, so I try not to act on those thoughts. I also didn't realize how bad and unstable my mood swings and emotions are. Before I started dating him I could go from happy to extremely depressed or mad in a split second, but I never thought much about it until now. It's worse now than it's ever been. I can go from feeling happy to feeling suicidal in the span of a minute.

Another thing I realized since I started dating him is how low my self esteem is. I already knew I had it bad, but I never knew it was this bad. I can go from liking myself to hating myself so much that I wonder why he even wants to be with me. I trust him fully, and I know he would never cheat on me, but I am constantly scared he will develop feelings for someone else. I feel like there are so many girls out there that are much more attractive, funny, and interesting than me. I am constantly obsessing over my weight, my acne, my hair, and so on, trying to make then perfect for him. I think I've lost about 15 pounds since I started dating him. Most of that was in the last few weeks because I have recently completely lost my appetite. I also stopped taking my anti-depressants (zoloft) when I started dating him because I was worried I would gain weight. I try my best not to come off as insecure around him because I know that he finds it attractive when I am confident, but it gets really hard sometimes. I usually just keep to self depricating jokes and that's all.

I am not officially diagnosed with BPD yet but I know for a 100% that I have it. I experience 8 of the 9 symptoms and you only need 5 to even be diagnosed. I have an appointment scheduled in a couple weeks. I really want to tell him about it but I have been waiting until I am officially diagnosed. Part of me is just putting it off though because I am scared of telling him and seeing how he will react. His first girlfriend was very clingy and had a lot of mental issues and he's talked a lot about how it was very straining and stuff. I would never try to put my issues on him or take them out on him, but I feel like he'll still think I'm just gonna end up like his ex. I'm aware that a lot of my feelings are just a part of my BPD/Anxiety so I try my best to not act on them. I am also worried he won't believe me or that he'll think I am trying to get attention. Most of my feelings and thoughts I keep to my self and don't ever talk about them or act on them. I don't think he has any clue how I usually feel behind the scenes, and so I'm worried he won't believe me because he's never really witnessed any of these things first hand.

I feel like telling him would lift a huge weight off my shoulder though. I really wanna be able to be honest with him and feel like I can trust him with this, and I feel like telling him would make me feel a lot better and a lot less alone in this. I would still deal with it alone and I plan on doing therapy after I am diagnosed. I wouldn't put any of this on his shoulders and I feel I shouldn't make it his responsibility to make me feel better constantly. I just want him to know. I feel there are small things he could do that could make me feel better. For example texting me goodnight and that he loves me every night. We do this most nights, but on the nights we don't I usually can't sleep and I think about it until the morning. 

I just wanted to vent and document all my feelings. I'm aware that being this dependant on someone for your happiness isn't healthy and I am working on fixing it. I'm not necessarily asking for advice or responses. I'm aware that my post isn't very different than most other posts on here considering most of what I write about is just classic BPD symptoms. I just simply wanted to get it out.