My sister is back in town just for a day, but I don't want to see her. I just worked all day and this afternoon is the only part of the day I get to have to myself, since I have to work with a team of people all day. 

On top of that, I just don't have anything to offer anyone, in terms of information, humor, love, just anything. I don't have anything to say, I don't want to sit and listen to other people talk. I don't have anything smart or funny or interesting to contribute to a conversation. But what I also don't want, in addition to having to come up with things to say and the whole nine yards, is I don't want to have to sit there and watch other people getting along and not judging each other, when I can't have that. I don't care if it's strangers or family, I just don't want to see it if I can just be by myself and at peace instead. 

And why open myself up to more judgement anyways? I have nothing to share or contribute or offer to anyone else, so why would I put myself in an unnecessary social situation in which I have to sit there and deal with my inadequacy doing the complete opposite of enjoying myself? I don't HAVE anything to say. I don't have anything to contribute. I cannot earn respect, I have no wit, and I nothing I say or do can ever make anyone else smile, NOR can I ever say or do anything that will earn genuine respect from other people. So why would I put myself through that?

Sure, people can say, oh, your sister just wants you to be there, your family just wants you to be there, you don't have to say or do anything special. I don't buy it. Love is forever and always one hundred percent transactional. I don't have anything that I can use to build a relationship with another person. I don't have anything to say. I don't have anything to share. I don't have a sense of humor and I cannot laugh. So sure, I can sit there among them, patiently waiting for my time to leave just to they can feel like I love them or something? Why is it always me that has to be there for someone else? And besides, I am not a respectable person and I never will be. I have no wit or charm and it is not in my power to have these things, so I will always come off as stupid and not likable to my family. Maybe they "love" me but they sure as hell don't like me and that is enough for me not to want to be around them or anyone else. There's nothing that I do to warrant a feeling of love or respect but that is also besides the point. I just don't have anything to say.