I honestly don’t know what to think/do anymore. I’ve been researching my issues on the web and I’ve ended up so utterly confused. Some people don’t even think BPD is a real disorder. Then you have DBT and I’m just like what’s the answer? I lay in bed all day, have no friends or interests to get me out of bed and I am triggered by every aspect of my life/surroundings. I am having a panic attack. It just doesn’t seem like I’m ever going to get better and I have reading material on the web which talks about therapy is bullshit and, honestly, I can’t really argue with that. I went to a therapist 10 years ago because I felt like my life was over. I was 31 years old and had just lost my faith in God and was devastated by the fact that I convinced myself for so long and invested so much time and energy in something that was all bullshit and now I’m wondering if I turned around and did the same thing with therapy. I mean, I’ve tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I try to come up with thoughts that replace my cognitive distortions, but I just end up believing my “distortions” anyway and it feels like I’m losing my mind trying to argue with myself. It’s just like I’ve lost every reason to believe I can get better. Yesterday, while trying to come up some solid strategy for how to deal with my cognitive distortions, I came across an article on Psychology Today and it said to not fight your thoughts and to “surf the wave.” I could only guess what that meant and it just seemed like total bullshit. “Surf the wave?” “Don’t fight the thoughts?” What the hell have I been doing with cognitive restructuring? It just seemed like the entire field of Psychology had their thumbs up their asses and were bullshitting the masses. I just looked up thought suppression in my DBT handout manual and it told me to “imagine cuddling up with my thoughts.” It’s just like, “what the fuck? Where did they come up with this shit?! How the fuck am I supposed to imagine myself cuddling up with a suicidal thought?!?!” I mean, I’ve been trying to fight my depression for 10 years and I feel more fucked up and out of control than I ever have been. I’m just supposed to somehow believe that I’m going to get better after all these years and all this effort? How? Why would I? It’s only gotten worse the harder I try! 

Anyway, I’d love for someone to come along and say that magic thing that’s going to make sense of all this, because I’m at a complete loss.