Edit2: People with BPD, should I just delete this because on the off-chance she does see it, it might make her feel upset or guilty or angry or something? I know this kind of "let me explain myself" stuff is selfish at the best of times but I just thought 'shit what if she *is* feeling pretty happy and doing well, which is what I say I want, and then reads this and it rakes up shitty feelings for her'. I dunno, should I just delete this and maybe go and post it somewhere else more anonymously if I still feel I want to say it even though not 'to her'...? And Meg if you do read this and just don't want/don't care to hear from me then I'm sorry and I won't be trying anything else to get in touch, I've just been assuming you have got a new phone number.

So I think it's highly unlikely you'll see this but I just wanted to say sorry and see how you were doing now days, I have no idea how to get in touch with you, couldn't find you on social media (you never used it much anyway) and I don't want to be all stalkery and contact your friends or family. It's been about 14 months and I still find myself wondering how you are and sometimes getting worried/upset that you think I hate you or have forgotten about you or that you think you ruined my life and are beating yourself up about it or something. I'm not happy how things ended up but I do think maybe that's how they had to end up even though I wish they could have been different. And even though I don't really blame either of us for our problems making each other worse and unhappy in the long run I still feel kind of guilty and worried about hurting you. I am sorry and I hope you are happier now then how you were when we broke up, I know I was part of what was making your problems worse at the end. 

I think you did the right thing for both of us by breaking up, the downwards spiral would probably have continued otherwise. I wish it could have worked out for both of us though. And I really hope you are happy and doing well now. It still feels kind of weird not knowing how you are and if things are ok. I've gone to do the MSc I was always talking about and it's really hard but I'm still glad I've done it and I'm hoping it will lead into a job I feel passionate and motivated by, you know how much I used to worry about being stuck doing something I hated because of bad decisions I'd made earlier in life.

I hope you are still working doing stuff to help others, I know that it sometimes stressed you out but it also really seemed to help you value yourself and see yourself as the decent human being that you really are. I hope you also are still going to therapy and NA (as much as I didn't understand the latter) and they are still helping you stay healthy and happy. Whatever you are doing though, I just hope you are happy and safe. Maybe without the stress of a relationship, specifically with someone who has their own issues with depression, you managed to make the final push you needed. I know you always tried so hard.

I really am sorry for how much harder I made things for you. I would feel stressed and miserable and worried even when things were getting better because of the past, you would lash out at me for it, I'd then lash out back and so on and it was just a shit situation where neither of us was really to blame. We both had problems and it's just sad that neither of us were in the right place emotionally to support each other and pull together, although we both tried really fucking hard for a long time.

You are a good person Meg. Really you are. Even though you were sometimes really horrible to me I know it was because of your BPD and that you hated yourself for it, I'm sorry that I lost sight of that towards the end and started to be more resentful than understanding. And I really deeply regret everytime I lost my temper and shouted at you or said nasty things, even when you admitted you had deliberately wound me up to get that response. I really feel shitty about those times, because both when you meant to do it and not, it is never ok to be like that. And whereas with other stuff I'm sorry I couldn't do what you wanted or needed, that is something I'm sorry about because I shouldn't have done it and it wasn't at all reasonable.

When I feel shit I still sometimes get upset thinking about things but at the same time I remember some of the things you used to say to me and even though we aren't together anymore they are still true. Things will be ok and they will work out. I hope one of the support I gave you still helps you to. It's really selfish but I hope you still sometimes miss me to. Not like getting upset, but just sometimes wonder how I'm doing and wish we could have a chat. The only thing I can't handle is thinking you hate me and hate the years we spent together as some kind of giant mistake. Maybe it was a 'waste' if we could never have worked out, but I don't hate them or regret them. I never regret loving you.

Maybe it could never have worked out between us, even as we both hopefully keep getting better and being more of the people we want to be. But I'll never ever regret the years we knew each other and the time we spent together. You'll always be someone I remember for the rest of my life and you have been a really important part of my life. I'll admit in some negative ways but overall I really think a positive influence. 

I'm also sorry I was so miserable that last time we went on holiday together. I'm such a stupid idiot sometimes haha. 

And I'm sorry I couldn't always read to you at night, I know you found that really comforting and nice, but I always did if I knew you were feeling crap. I was thinking about this the other day and I think sometimes you really needed me to but I didn't realise, so would be surprised and defensive when you got annoyed with me like I was being selfish. Because I'd think "god it's just reading a story" and didn't make the connection that it was actually not "just reading a story" but was helping you when you felt stressed or upset or scared. I wish you'd have just told me that when you asked. Like when I wasn't with you and you asked I always did because I knew when I was away and you were on your own you often got really worked up and upset, so I always knew you needed it. When I was there it wasn't so obvious a lot of the time.  It is kind of a silly thing but it's stuff like this that kills me almost as much as the 'serious' stuff. I hope you know when I said no it was only saying no to reading to you, not saying no to reading to you to help you out. If that makes sense.

And I'm sorry just in general for all the time when I was tired and stressed and didn't have the patience and understanding to support you. I really tried though. And I really hope you know that I tried really hard, but I know just trying hard isn't enough. I know you tried hard for me to even though you sometimes ended up being nasty or angry with me for being upset

Also I hope Hazard is well to! haha. I actually quite miss him still even though he was your pet. I wish I was living somewhere that allowed pets could I'd love to have a dog or a cat right now. 

Oh and I saw the Libertines not long ago and I think you'd really enjoy seeing them live if you got the chance. I dunno when they are next touring but keep an eye out. I also saw Slaves again playing with Sleaford Mods, which I think you'd also like.

Shit honestly I could ramble on for ages but you'll probably not see this and I guess there isn't anything I have to say that matters even if you did read it. It's just I have been thinking about this stuff a lot recently and I don't know how to talk about it to anyone without just sounding like I am pining after you. But it's not that. It's like a mix of missing a really really good friend and regretting things but also thinking that maybe, as shitty as it is, this is maybe the way they had to play out. 

I really will never forget you or stop caring about you. And when I said I'll always love you, I meant it, I still do. Not in a lusting way or even really a romantic way, but just in the way where you have carved a little piece of my heart out that is always going to be tied to the times we had together, good and bad, and the unique and interesting and loving best friend I have lost. The best analogy I can think of is if a best friend from school moves away, and years later you sometimes still wonder how they are and hope they are ok but have no way of getting in touch and that even though you might have had other best friends it's not like any of them replace that person. 

On the off chance you read this I hope you understand and don't think badly of me or that this is some kind of love letter. It's not. It's just me wanting you to know that I'm sorry and I'm not mad at you and that I care about you and whatever you are doing I hope you are happy and well. I don't feel like I have managed to put the right tone across and this might sound too romantic or like I'm begging or something. I guess I just mean the good times we had and the feelings we shared mean more to me than the shitty times and how we ended up making each other miserable because of our problems. I don't blame you and I don't hate you. And I hope you feel the same about me. 

Right gonna stop rambling now because fucking hell I really go on don't I? I could have said all this crap in half the amount of words. This has all been playing on my mind more and more recently, and I'm living on my own at hte moment and have a few friends but no one I'm really close to. And the other day it was the anniversary of my dad dying and it just made me extra pensive I guess. You don't get to meet someone and have a relationship like we had everyday, and I can accept it wasn't meant to be but I fucking hate the idea of you thinking I have forgot you or don't care or hate you. Even more than thinking that maybe that is actually how you feel about me now. I dunno. Not everything can work out but that doesn't mean you weren't important to me or that I hate you or don't care.

If you take anything away from this just please know I don't regret knowing you and loving you or the time we had together. And I don't blame you, at least no more than I blame myself, for things not working out. And I think we both really tried for each other, to the point where we exhausted ourselves. I don't want you to feel bad, I want you to know that yeah you hurt me but you havn't ruined my life or made me hate you. All our time together was important and special for me even now. Even knowing that maybe it was bound to end up like this no matter what we did. It's ok.  I really want you to not feel bad or like it was your fault or anything or to think I hate you or don't care about you anymore. 

As the chances of you seeing this are next to zero I guess I'm just mainly saying this to get some feelings out that have been building up and playing on my mind recently. Kind of selfish really I guess.

I really will always care about you though and I promise I don't hate you.

...

To anyone curious she had BPD and posted here quite often which is why I thought I'd post. I didn't have BPD but came to realise after breaking up I had some issues with depression I thought I'd resolved but which over time came back to the surface as our relationship went on. It got especially bad for me, and I became worse at supporting her when she started abusing a prescription painkiller I'd previously been addicted to and had had a really hard time kicking. We obviously made things worse for each other even though we really did care and love each other. In the end she broke up with me after a rough patch and I was devastated. I still miss her but in that  more dull 'I lost a really good friend and one of my favourite people I've ever met way' than the sharp hurt of a breakup, the questioning yourself, the pining to get back together, etc. 

I don't even feel like I've said half of what I wanted to say and what I have said has completely missed the tone I wanted to put it in. This sounds too much like someone who has been dumped trying to make themselves sound appealing, but I'm being sincere in everything I say. And I don't think we could get back together even if we both wanted to, we'd just make each other miserable again. But that's ok. Life can be like that. Just don't hate me Meg, I don't hate you. 



Sorry to anyone else who reads this. I just wanted to kind of say this 'to her' and I don't know any other way of possibly saying it 'to her' that I don't feel like would be crossing a line or forcing myself back into her life.


Edit: And I think the reason I feel like I've missed the tone is because it sounds like I'm saying "I'm cool with all the fucked up and horrible stuff you said and did, and I hope you're cool with me being a selfish miserable arsehole ;D". I think that might be how I sounded. That's not what I'm saying. We both were really nasty and horrible at times and you hurt me a lot and I feel bad about when I hurt you a lot and that stuff isn't 'just ok'. That's not what I mean. I just mean that is not all I remember about you or think about you or defines the whole of all the years we had together in my memory. That is part of it and that is why I can understand why we couldn't stay together in the long run. But overall I don't hate you for it or hold those things against you and overall the happy times and love and shared feelings and all that type of thing is more important to me and what defines what you meant to me, much more than the hurt and upset we caused each other. 

We were just two fucked up people who exhausted ourselves trying to make things work. In it's own messed up way that's something special and worthwhile. I don't regret any of it and I don't hate you for it, even though I'm not 'ok' with some of what you said and did. And I don't expect you to be 'ok' with everything I said and did either. 