I feel like I'm hollow. Like there's nothing there inside me anymore.

I can't really remember what life used to be like. But since I was 14 (now 21) I've been messed up mentally. Eating problems, OCD, anxiety (that's what I've been diagnosed with at least, AFAIK) and more and more low and depressed and exhausted I guess. When I was 15, I had to be admitted because my weight was really low.

I can't remember if this was when it started, but I don't seem to be human anymore. I imagine I used to have the full emotional range and interests and hobbies and stuff, I remember I used to be into video games growing up, like I wanted to be a games developer. Not interested in that at all anymore. 

I don't feel interested or passionate about anything anymore. The past few days I've been studying Media and then Art &amp; Design, I guess because I thought it's creative stuff so it might be in the realm of what I might've wanted to do, but now the course, and my education, is finishing and I have no idea what to do. I don't want anything, I don't have any ambitions or desires or hopes or dreams or plans. I guess I just crawl through life, passing time, usually by doing coursework or just scrolling through social media or YouTube, not that I want to or enjoy it.

I can't really concentrate on anything anymore, my mind's gotten more and more foggy the past few years, it even interferes with my OCD, making it hard to count and things like that. You know those scenes in films or games where you're being dragged along behind a carriage, holding on to a rope and bashing into walls and stuff? I guess that's a bit like how it is, I just can't think straight. Furthermore, I just don't seem to feel emotion anymore, just a varying lowness that seems like more a state of being than an emotion.

I just dread everything and don't enjoy anything. It's like I'm just a hollow shell, a computer program with pretensions of what was once will. Sometimes I'll watch a TV series or film with my mum, but it's just passing time. And I suppose recently I've realised that a career in the creative arts isn't realistic really, and I'll have to get a job soon and deal with life's shit, painful and miserable as it is.

It just feels like maybe I shouldn't have survived. Maybe I was supposed to die of malnutrition or something years ago, I seem to remember someone saying I could've had a heart attack at any moment. Maybe I should've.

Sorry for the really long post, I always waffle, not that i ever say anything worthwhile. I was always a pretentious pile of scum, but more so these days. I feel like the world and everything would be so much better off of I'd just never existed.

I'm not sure why I'm even posting, not really expecting anything. Thank you if you read this, and sorry for wasting your time.