It's been 2 years since I started fighting this battle with life, but now it looks like I am going to lose anytime soon. I am dyslexic, an average-looking guy, and I have the lowest self-esteem and don't love myself. Here's why: When I was a kid, my father used to hit me, even though it was not my fault. My family called me dumb, stupid, and an idiot multiple times. My father said I'd end up being a loser in life. I got physically harassed by my tuition teacher's son. I got bullied in college and cheated on two relationships.

 My parents didn't allow me to go out with friends, not even outside my building, and whenever I stepped out of my house to hang out with my friends, I used to get phone calls from my parents telling me to come home ASAP. I used to share everything with my best friend, but one night we got into an argument, and then she said I was an attention seeker. So I have enough reasons for having such low self-esteem. 

After struggling for so many years, I met this beautiful girl during the pandemic in the year 2020, and we have been dating for more than 2 years. Just like other relationships, ours is full of ups and downs. I'd rather say it's complicated, but we still love each other. She supports me a lot and she's been there for me in my difficult times. But due to the pandemic, I started having anxiety issues and had multiple breakdowns. I tried to kill myself by hanging, but I don't have enough courage to do it. So, after dating for more than 2 years, I think my girlfriend doesn't love me anymore because of the issues we are facing in our relationship because of my mistakes, and she's trying to ignore me. The mistakes I made in our relationship were because of my depression. I got anxious, I got rageful, and my anxiety issues So I have a strong feeling that soon she'll leave me because we don't have any future. But I really love her and I don't want to lose her because she's the only good thing that happened to me, and how can I lose the only good thing in my life?

 I shared this with my therapist, but I don't have enough money for the therapy and I don't want my father's money for the therapy. I want to be an independent person, so I am saving some money from my pocket money for the sessions, but I am losing my battle. 