I had a song trigger this multi-month ... mini-crisis in me. It's the Stranger Things song by Kate Bush that's so popular right now.

It's the weirdest thing, because I can get depressed and feel worthless... but -and this may not make sense to anyone- somehow it never really affected my self esteem. Generally, I can borrow a cup of arrogance from my reserves and plug along anyway.

But here are the lyrics:

"And if I only could

I'd make a deal with God

And I'd get him to swap our places"

And the thing is, I've had people wish they could take my pain on themselves before, which just ... I wouldn't want anyone to go through that. It's sweet, but really... if it were possible I would be horrified to know anyone had done that.

But this time the song has stuck in my head and my worthiness to have anyone feel that way about me has just eroded my self esteem like never before.

It's really weird. I can't seem to shake it, and I've been in recovery for 14 years but...this is maxing out my normal coping mechanisms and it's starting to really show.

Maybe it's just summer mania.... but I wanted to vent.