Hi! So I’m 19 years old and just recently was diagnosed with bpd. I would say I have pretty high functioning bpd because I’m very self aware and kindve always thinking about what I’m doing (I think because of my severe anxiety). I was in the hospital just this past week because of an intense episode I had. Basically, my best friend of 3 years (my FP, as i’ve recently discovered) came into my room as I sat in my chair staring a bunch of pills. I screamed at her and told her I could be dead if it weren’t for her, that I hated her, and just a bunch of stuff I didn’t mean. I couldn’t stop screaming and punching and kicking. I then proceeded to grab two pills and put them in my mouth with water. I obviously wasn’t trying to hurt myself but it was intense enough for her to call the police immediately, and I was sent to the hospital. I think it was a cry for help to be honest, because I know my intention wasn’t to hurt myself even though I felt like I didn’t want to be alive. She has kindve always tried to help me and guide me through things but she hasn’t been okay recently because of what transpired. She can’t eat or sleep or function because of the whole event. I haven’t seen her or talked to her for about a week now because she’s isolated at home trying to work on herself. I feel like I should be to blame for what she’s going through, but I just can’t put that on myself. I’m confused because usually I would be so consumed by this and let it ruin my entire life until I could fix it with her and get her back. I think I just realized that our relationship is codependent and I can’t be in that kind of friendship because it just hurts me. I don’t know what to do and I’m worried once she’s better we will talk and make up and become codependent again. Any advice and/or similar experience? Just looking for some comfort because I can’t seem to stop wondering what I will do when that time comes.