I've seen here on this sub conversations about acknowledging when you're acting out and doing something completely driven by BPD, but not being able to stop it. I relate to that a lot, I know there have been plenty of times when I almost jump into this fully different mindset and behavior but just can't get myself to stop. It's so much that sometimes I feel like a completely different person and I might wake up thinking "who TF was I yesterday" 

But there are also times when I have not a single clue if I'm having a normal human reaction, or the reaction of someone who has a disorder. And it's so frustrating because I never feel like I can trust myself. I might trust myself so much in the moment but soon it comes crashing down and I'm not sure what to do anymore. 

I'm so mad at myself when this happens and I feel so destructive and I hate it so much. I hate the ups and downs and the inconsistency and how I feel so much unlike myself sometimes. I've splitted on people I love so many times and I feel terrible about it. Part of me just wants to remove myself from every friendship because I *know* I'm gonna end up splitting on that person again. And I always think of myself as a good and healthy friend and then I have to look back at all the evidence that shows I'm not.