      i felt in control for a while. i had no friends, only occasional small talk. i was lonely but like, without a favorite person or any real interaction, it was easier to keep emotions in check a little more. by no means was i doing well, i think i was just in some sort of a depressed slump but i didnt feel quite as up and down. i slept around some and started drinking quite a bit more to try to fill that emptiness and it kind of worked. i felt more stable than i had in a long time, even if i wasnt happy, if that made sense. i was mostly just numb 
     recently ive met a boy. we've been talking a lot over the past month and a half. i am genuinely interested in him. its been a long time since ive allowed myself to get close to anybody but i let my gaurd down. something about him feels special and warm and i dont want to let an opportunity like him pass by. 
    the longer we talk, the closer we get, the more unbearable symptoms get. 
     ive definitely idealized him already. i love everything about him. i love the way he laughs, the way his eyebrows furrow when he reads. the way he sings to music n drums along on my legs, i love his big blue eyes n soft blonde hair. he is more than i couldve ever imagined and i think about him constantly. 
    at first it was all positive for the most part, all that gushy new relationship energy. he makes me happy and i want to make him happy. we have fun talking, we have fun being together, everything was okay. 
    a week or so ago, i posted a picture of him on my snapchat story. a girl recognized him and sent me a message. she screenshot his contact info in her phone and sent it to me. i confiremed that it was him and i asked how they knew eachother and they met on tindr. i didnt ask anything else about that but i immediately felt sick because she is so much prettier than me. long, dark hair, full lips, perfectly applied makeup, etc. she's beautiful and outgoing and people love her. im insecure and moody and awkward looking. 
     thats what triggered all of this. the fact that he talked to somebody so much better than me makes me feel sick and disgusting because i know he knows what he's missing out on. i know damn well its irrational to feel so insecure and miserable over something so small but all i can think about is the fact that he must be only just settling for me. if he can get a girl like that but he's with me there's got to be a reason. maybe he's just bored for now, between girls, biding his time until he meets somebody thats better than me in every way. or even worse, maybe he's got somebody right now. i know that nobody would  focus their energy on just me and i know that theres got to be something going on. it doesnt make sense. ive been cheated on in every relationship, ive accepted that im nothing more than a side chick. im not somebody people want to dedicate their time to and thats okay. 
     i can feel myself splitting and i can feel the self sabotage begin. he's been nothing but good to me so far but im making up all these stories and what ifs and i cant just let myself actually be happy in a relationship i refuse to believe there isnt another motive and i KNOW its irrational but theres no way to stop these thoughts. i try to work through them but i cant the more i think to more irrational and paranoid i get. i want to be in a relationship but i am so fuckibg scared of being left out in the cold again and i just cant work past it. i am so irrationally afraid of losing him that it's making me push him away. its only been a month. im so fucked and i know he'll be gone soon. i want to at least embrace the time we have but i cant because all i can focus on is the inevtiable

sorry for rant i have to put this somewhere i feel like im going to explode 