I don't know. I've screwed up a lot in my life, and I sort of struggle to "jump back in the game" so to speak. Sometimes I wonder how people can be so emotionally resilient and not see the uncertain future as potentially bleak. Or even if they can see that a bleak future may be a possibility, they can still smile and socialize, joke around etc. whereas I just feel the ever present pressure to figure something out, a plan that will work NOW and somehow I also have to have full confidence in that plan. Sometimes I look at the challenges before me and I see aspects of it that will absolutely require me to be accepted by other people, which stresses me out because I really struggle endear myself to people out of fear of intimacy. I often feel like I have lost a large degree of control over the trajectory of my life due to my own bad decisions. 

I think it's called inner locus of control, that's the real thing I am missing. Not because I cry like a victim, but moreso that I lack the confidence or I guess the mental clarity to really believe that if I do X then Y is definitely going to happen...I also generally feel like an unworthy imposter. Given, there isn't a lot for me to feel like an "imposter" about due to my lack of success, but Idk...when I go out to face the world, I feel like a pitiful thing that can only get into a decent position in life from people taking pity on me, after they have met me and analyzed by maybe my body language or something that I am a pitiful person. Whether it be customers or clients paying for a basic service I can potentially provide that basically anyone else could too, or employers that see my lack of experience...Idk I'm tired now.