Hi everyone. Let me just get right into it. Apologies in advance for the length.

I, (22 F) have suffered from SEVERE OCD ADHD and anxiety since before I can even remember. As a kid, I was always plagued by fear. I slept with the lamp on even in high-school years because I couldn’t shake the intrusive thoughts. I could give a million examples of anxiety/OCD “episodes” i’ve been through where for weeks and sometimes months I just feel hopeless and my quality of life is destroyed. But that would be too lengthy and pointless so I will talk about the now.

Basically, I have been having a ton of existential anxiety and dread. Like anyone, I have had these scary existential thoughts in my life… such as..

“I am me. That’s weird… Who even am I?”

“Where do I come from?”

“I’m going to die one day…” 

As scary as these thoughts can be, tbh eh would almost always go away within a few minutes. Flash forward to my current life. I met my boyfriend about a year ago, and I think that’s when everything got bad. Being so in love and having a family made me value my life so much more, and made me ponder life much more. I have found myself in these episodes, especially after smoking weed, where I realize how short life is and how we have no control. And how I don’t want to lose the people and things I love most. I don’t want to never see them again. 

Over the past few weeks, these thoughts have gotten worse. I basically had this realization that at any point, the world as we know it could be destroyed. In a split second. By nuclear warfare, or an asteroid, or some crazy thing none of us could even fathom. I tried to tell myself these scenarios aren’t likely. I was unsuccessful in soothing myself. Because none of us can KNOW. 

I’ve had the most paranoid and crazy thoughts, I genuinely feel like i’m losing my mind. What is reality? How do I know I’m real and not just some sick scientific experiment? Or in a dream, or a coma even?
What if there’s nothing after I die? And I just lose everything I know and love? Or, what if hell is real and I burn for eternity? (I grew up in a religious household, Im not religious anymore but this still scares me for some reason?) What if everything is completely not how I perceive it at all and nothing in my life has meant anything? 

I realize i’m having an existential crisis. And that there’s no way to answer any of these questions, and that I should just move on. But how? I feel stuck. I don’t feel like myself anymore. 

I’m so scared i’ve gone mad. I don’t mean to be like that. it’s just my biggest fear after watching my grandma enter psychosis from the drugs she was doing. What if this is me entering psychosis?? 

I swear, I think too much for my own damn good. I have everything i’ve ever wanted, but this is making me miserable. I want to get help, but I can’t afford therapy. My medicine isn’t working anymore. I just need help, relatability and perspective. Thank you.