TW// anxiety, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts

I hate myself. 

I am part of my high school’s leadership council, as well as a dozen other activities and clubs. I hold many leadership positions, as I love working with people and find collaboration to be engaging. However, I have a really bad habit— being late and completely disengaging.

My freshman year, I had the worst anxiety of my life- panic attacks every day. Thankfully, I got therapy which changed my life for the better. However, from sophomore year till now (senior year) i have been chronically late to EVERYTHING— school, club meetings, outings, even hangouts with friends. my club advisors, teachers and even friends constantly call me out on this and have even told me i was not serious and cut out for working seriously with them. i am also super forgetful, and especially during corona quarantine, i have been spending time with my cat, scrolling mindlessly on my phone just to distract myself, spending time with family, or crying. i have been missing things at an even higher rate during these past few months, and i’m beginning to feel like a loser and not ready for my competitive college career ahead of me. 

please— if anyone struggled with this, please tell me what has worked for you. i have tried putting alarms, but honestly, i forget to do that to. is this my anxiety coming back again? i honestly don’t want to trouble my parents with paying for therapy AGAIN :(( i feel really down in the dumps right now and have the lowest self esteem i have ever felt. thank you for reading, and any helpful criticism/comments would be amazing.