I completely fell for a guy that didn't feel the same. I was much younger than him, still very inexperienced... The way we continuously kept meeting and showing signs of affection confused me, taking in consideration he had already expressed he only saw me as a friend... Eventually, I convinced myself I was ok with only being friends and for a while we were in this situation (that's so unnatural to me) where we would be physical with eachother, romantic even, but not date. To him we were always friends and nothing more. I was obviously too crazy for him to end it based on the fact we wanted different things. I found it easier to lie to myself, to accept his conditions (even those I couldn't meet) than to be reasonable and say goodbye. The whole thing was horrible to me... I had him, but only superficially, momentarily, while he had me completely and profoundly.  He was the one putting this mess to an end, actually. At first, I had done such a good job convincing myself I only saw him as a friend, that I acted as if I didn't care much. But as time went by... Reality hit me. Two years later and I still long for him. After our messy situation ended, we became friends (proper friends, not the type of "friends" who flirt, go on country escapades for the weekend, sleep in a couple's bed and demonstrate both physical and romantic attraction towards eachother). But I couldn't handle it. I asked for some time... He gave it to me... Then we reconnected... I needed some time again... And he never really went back to me after I asked him for that break... Not as friends, not as friends with benefits, nothing. He just left my life. It's been so long. Now when we run into eachother he just says "hello, how are you?" as he would say to a colleague. We're just... acquaintances now? Surely, we are slowly but certainly becoming strangers. I miss the intimacy we had and I can't forgive myself for wanting him still. I feel like I will never cherish another the way I cherished him, I feel like love is completely out of my life, an unattainable reality to me. I'm hurting. I want to fall in love with someone new who loves me back. I want to experience love as this joyful thing everyone speaks of. But I can't move on. I feel as if I'm doomed to be hurt by love.