Excuse the incoming life story, but I feel like whoever reads this can understand, and I just need to get it out. Feel free to skip all of it and just go off the title though.

I've had problems with depression my whole life. My coping mechanism is to escape reality as much as I can, which is almost entirely compromised of time online. Anything to keep me from having my own thoughts.

I took up motorcycling after my dad died 5.5 years ago. I love being outside on a nice day and taking in nature's beauty, and being able to combine this with my love of piloting machinery (driving, kart racing, anything with a motor) was fantastic therapy. There really isn't anything quite like having a motorcycle between your legs, with which you have a bond like one would with a trusty steed, and seeing beautiful sights and experiencing great roads. I've always taken pride in safe riding: wear all your gear, ride defensively, have high situational awareness, etc. You can probably tell where this is going, but there's so much more that has made my past 12 months the worst year of my life.

Last July, I moved with my then-gf of 3 years to an area I loved. I eventually found work that actually paid adult money. I was starting to see what being happy was all about. What being a successful adult was about. That's about when I noticed her getting distant, and my downfall began.

Around Halloween, she broke up with me. Our relationship up to that point had been very smooth-sailing, so I was completely blind-sided and devastated by this. It was my intention to marry this person and begin our life in this beautiful new house. But in my gut, I knew what had been happening. I just wasn't ready to accept it yet.

So I had to live in this house until I could move on New Year's. What was supposed to be a place resembling hope and new beginnings, was now just hell. I had to inform my job that at year's end, I wouldn't be able to work there anymore, as my future (now current) location would be too far away. They liked me there, so upper management looked for positions for me that would be local. At this point, I had only worked there for about 2 months.

Late December, I couldn't take it any more. I needed to validate my suspicions. I looked through my ex's phone after she fell asleep, and I saw it all. She had been cheating on me with a married coworker for god knows how long. I woke her up, said everything that needed to be said, and left. My immediate destination was to go back to my mom's house to get the rifle I had inherited from my dad, and then find a place to end my suffering. My best friend happened to call me as I was driving, so I took that as a sign, and went to his house instead. Still, part of me died that night.

At this point, I still had to wait a couple weeks til I could move in to my new place, so I stayed at my sister's for the time being. I finally caught covid so this time was miserable. I spent Christmas and New Year's isolated. Alone.

My job had informed me of a position that was open just 10 minutes from my new place a month or so prior. When I finally did move, I called asking for an update, as I only had radio silence since then. The position was gone. I was out of work unless I dealt with the hour long commute to the old location (I know some of you probably do this already, or more. Sorry, not for me.). So that's what I did for 3 months, until I just couldn't take the long commute or work environment any longer.

My friend (the same one) had been offering me work as a janitor at the local high school with him since I told him I'd been looking for work months ago. It was a huge pay cut, back to $16/hr (cost of living here is very high, so this is basically minimum wage). After leaving my well paying job, I finally gave up looking and took the janitor position in May of this year. At least it kept me physically active.

Mid May, my 15 year old dog and best friend since freshman year of high school died. Another part of me died with her.

Then, on June 20th, I was out for a ride on my trusty bike, in an area I loved being in and knew well. I stopped at a dam to take some pictures, and then I woke up in a hospital.

I had shattered my left wrist, and fractured my right tibia. Apparently, someone turned left in front of me at an intersection. I have no memory of the accident, nor my first day in the hospital leading up to the surgery on my wrist. I had never broken a bone before. It was like I woke up, and suddenly, the little life I thought I had left going for me was gone, as well as another friend: my poor motorcycle. I was already going through the most emotional trauma I had ever been through up to this point...and now I can't use an arm or a leg.

What you usually don't hear about (at least in my case) recovering from injuries like that is losing all of your muscle from not using them. I've recently regained my ability to walk again, but my leg is very weak, and is just a flabby bag of fat hanging off the bone. My left arm is the same below my elbow, and I still have very limited movement in my wrist, so when I'm moving around I look like I'm more disabled than I am with how my hand hangs.

I had always struggled with feeling useless, and like I would never to amount to anything. Now, I really am useless, and look the part even more. It's humiliating not being able to do basic things for yourself. How it used to be, struggling to find the motivation to get out of bed and shower and brush my teeth...for almost 3 months I was physically unable to do it. I still can barely get under my right armpit with my left hand, as I can't turn my palm up all the way.

I have never felt more helpless, emotionally damaged, traumatized, in physical pain, useless...than I do now. I was supposed to finally be figuring my life out. I'm 30 now. I was already forced to start my life over before. I don't know if I'll have the strength to do it again. I never thought I'd be in this position. I was already ill-equipped for normal life. How am I supposed to deal with it now? I'll be in my mid 30's before I might ever get back to where I was one year ago. That is if I ever get to.

If you read all of that, thank you. It feels good just getting it out.