I think i finally have most of them finished. I’ve made lists of the things i want to give to people, since i only have one person i care about on this side of the country i SHOULD take the time to send them myself but i don’t want to fuck up the timing so i’ll organize each and address them at least. I also made a list of the last few things i can take care of to make it easier on my roomie once i’m gone too. There’s more on that list than i think i can bring myself to do, but i’ll do what i can. I keep worrying about how people will feel and then i remember it won’t actually effect me. I’ll be dead. 

The main issue is that with the quarantine, my roomate is home all the time so there’s not a good time to leave without her noticing. I’ve been very careful since i made this decision not to let her know anything was wrong so i can’t fuck up now. I wanted to go in the evening, watching the sun set, but it seems like i’ll have to go in the middle of the night instead if i want to get away with it. 
That’s why i know this is the real deal. I’ve talked, or more accurately cried, for ten years about how i want to die, and this time i feel totally calm. This time i feel like i’d be doing everyone a disservice by sticking around, even if they’ll hurt for a little while at first. I have a plan and all the tools i need to carry it out. The only question now is timing. This month is so many special occasions that will be darkened which should make me want to hold off longer but it just makes me want to get it over with sooner cus there’s always gonna be something else i’m ruining. 

I stopped talking to almost everyone when i started writing the letters. I feel like they’ll hear something different or i’ll say something and not be able to lie well enough. Also i think it’ll make it easier if they haven’t heard from me for a while. I wanna call my mom but really no one else, so i think i’ll be gone after this week. Cus i can call her on mother’s day for the last time and that gives me the rest of week to get things in order. I’m organized and i’m ready &amp; i have no interest or intention of being talked out of it but i wish i could talk about it.