so I made a post earlier if you want to know what’s been going on in my life. But in summary, my ex dumped me on Snapchat just a few days ago after 2 years of being on and off. I don’t really have any places to go to support so I’m here with this update no one asked for.

I’ve mainly been feeling… numb? And in moments of not feeling numb, or better said, less numb, unsure about my own identity. Unsure if I’m bound to be a horrible, abusive person who never gets the love or the * life * or the future everyone else seems to get in the end because of this disorder. Unsure if I should ever try at love again because if I’m bound to hurt everyone who ever loves me or bound to never fully believe them when they say they do, what’s the point? Honestly, I’ve been dealing with (((TRIGGER WARNING))) a pretty fair amount of s*icidal ideation lately. Like, what’s the point, if it will always be this painful to both me and everyone else who steps into my life? 

He did so many shady and just, bad, in retrospect, things to me in our relationship. I don’t think he meant to ever hurt me, I just think maybe that’s how he was always meant to be? That my entrance in his life wasn’t that like revolutionary chance it was in the first few months together? I don’t know. I mean, he dumped me on Snapchat after this long together, and I still feel like I should give him one last apology for being the way I am the whole time we were together. Regardless of how hard I tried. Because it still wasn’t enough for him. And a part of me is always going to believe everything, always, is my fault. Even when from the beginning he knew that this is who I am. And how hard I was trying. But, the reason I’m writing this post is my automated text that I send to him was green. I forgot to turn it off. And it was green. Part of me wants to believe that he didn’t really block me on text too. That it’s just him traveling and his network is off, but, I know that he did. After all the work I put into myself, sadly, for him, and barely for myself. That’s my send off. It would hurt so much more if my emotions weren’t so… number. Turned off. Because if my body and my mind let me feel what I’m really feeling… maybe they wouldn’t just be ideations? I don’t know. 

I’m safe. I don’t have any plans. I’m just. Faced with the reality of who I am and will most likely always be.