i don’t know if anyone will read this but if you do thanks for listening. also… i’m sorry if this is hard to read or if i don’t make much sense i just don’t have anyone to talk to.
i’m so tired. for as long as i can remember i’ve been depressed. i remember being 7 years old listening to nickelback, laying on the floor, looking at the sky, crying and wanting to go away. i had a lot of moments like that growing up. i never understood why i felt the way i did. everyone else was so happy or at least that’s what it felt like. so why was i so sad? 
i still don’t know why i’m so depressed. i’m 20 now and for the past 10 years i’ve been told it will go away. i'm so tired of hearing that. at first i had some hope it would but i've completely given up. i don't have anyone to talk to about it either. the people i did have either gave up on me or don't want to hear about it anymore. i don't blame them to be honest. i probably sound like a broken record. 
the really shitty thing about depression is that the only ones who know what it feels like are obviously the ones who are depressed. most people don't understand how hard it is to get up every morning, take a shower, fake a smile, try to be happy. i have tried everything to make the pain i feel every god waking moment go away. therapy, tons of medication, God, putting myself out there, selflove, relationships, drugs, alcohol. when i was diagnosed at 14 with depression i spent months doing research on what it was and how to make it go away. 
later on i was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder at 16. i think that's when i started to lose hope but i kept trying. i kept pushing. i kept fighting. now here at 20 i'm completely fucking done. the amount of letters i've written is embarrassing, i wish i just had the balls to do it. i've been fighting this fight for too long. 
the sad part is that i have a decent life. i have a loving family that i'm extremely close to, we struggle sometimes financially but always manage, and two best friends who have stuck around. something my mom would always say to me in my teenage years was "what do you have to be depressed about? there are other kids who get abused, raped, or are homeless. so what, T, do YOU have to be depressed about?".
and she's right. i shouldn't be. i wish i wasn't. i would give anything to be happy. i stopped trying to talk to my mom about my depression around 2 years ago. there's no point. no matter how i explain the way i feel or how hard things are for me she will not understand. i don't really think she believes that mental health even exists. she thinks my generation is weak and uses mental health as an excuse to be lazy and sensitive. i just wish she could see my pain and how sorry i am for being this way. i love my mom and i never would talk poorly about her, she's amazing. she just can't understand. 
i've always been closed off from people. we moved around a lot growing up and i guess it caused me to stay to myself. but there was a year that everyone at school thought i was mute... like they thought i physically couldn't speak and i didn't really care to change that. on the last day of school i said bye and thank you to my teacher before the bell rang and i remember all the kids started shouting, not angry just completely shocked that i could speak. that was in 6th grade and i still think about it to this day. i got picked on a lot growing up because i was an easy target. i never stood up for myself and even when i did they would just laugh and that seemed worse. 
my dad really fucked me up too. my mom met him when i was 3 and my brother was 4. everything was great until my mom and dad had my little sister. before her, he would play with us, tell us all the time he loved us, took care of us like we were his own. i was young but i remember it clearly how much he showed us that he loved us. then when i was 5 my sister was born. everything changed. she became his whole world. my brother and i were pushed aside. he made it very clear that we could never be his. he ended up being a shitty alcoholic that would verbally abuse me and my older brother until we were about 15/16 when my mom finally left him. he would sit us in the kitchen while my mom was at work and tell us that we would never amount to anything. with my brother it was worse though, the things my father would say to him... i would have to talk my brother out of killing himself quietly in his room after every session. seeing that fucking blue truck in the driveway while we pulled up on the school bus still haunts me to this day. my brother would look at each other in horror, go through our phones as fast as we could to delete everything, and brace ourselves for the night ahead of us. i hated him so much. he picked me up by my throat, held me in the air, and screamed into my 6 year old face...  i was gasping for air, scared to cry in fear of making it worse and he then dropped me to do the same to my brother all because we forgot to put our ice cream bowls in the dishwasher. but with my younger two siblings? ahaha they were his whole world. he would watch movies with them, ask them about school, tell them he was proud of them, and hug them. all the while me and my bother sat and watched. what was wrong with us? why did he treat us so differently? because we weren't his? we were just kids man. we didn't know any better. well, anyways that went on every fucking day from ages 5-15. we were finally set free. 
now all the years of trauma follow us. here we are 20 &amp; 21 years old and still struggle with our childhood. it's never ending. my brother moved across the country about two years ago with my best friend of 8 years. they're living comfortably and seem to be happy. it's been hard but i can't wish anyone better for either of them to love. i'm glad they found each other. but it does hurt. i haven't seen either of them in the past two years and they were my best friends. they're happy while i'm here writing this shitty ass post on reddit. 
i've just been feeling like this is it for me. i really want to be done. i don't care anymore. it used to just be the heartbreaking emptiness that followed me everyday. all the crying and being so sad it physically hurt stopped. now it's just emptiness. i don't feel anything. no emotions. the only genuine feeling i have is love and that's for my family. this started slowly but around a year ago every fucking emotion shut off. i would rather be angry and sad than feel absolutely nothing at all. i'm just done. like why the fuck is it this hard to literally just live? i'm so tired. and i'm ready. i give myself another couple months maybe a year tops to say goodbye to everyone and give them some good memories of me before i leave. i have to wait until i see my brother and best friend first. but after that, i'm good. i'm done. i've lived the life i need to and i'm ready to pass on. i feel terrible that i'll leave the ones i care about with only memories and heartache of me. but i will try my best to tell them that this life just wasn't for me. it's no ones fault. i just don't belong here.
anyways... thanks for listening if you got this far. whoever is reading this, fight the fight i couldn't. you do have someone who cares and loves you even if it doesn't feel like it. you will be missed. keep fighting. keep showing up for the ones who can't. you're not alone. i hear you and i feel your pain. much love to all.