I’m not perfect, I have dealt with debilitating mental illness all my life. From a traumatic childhood and being a child, I remember wondering what would happen if I was gone, what people thought about me, and not EVER messing up. 

I’m 20 now, and I’m still the same.. but worse. 2019 and 2020 has been extremely hard for me. Hospitalizations, worsening of mental health and my life in general, trauma, suicide attempt. I don’t know if I even processed that all yet. My memory has been jacked from all I went through this past year and a half. I sometimes believe maybe I’m hopeless, and maybe too far gone. 

I used to have friends. I had good friends, or so I thought. They were starting to see my spiral down, and I was open about some of it. But at the same time, I had a disease that made me lie and cheat for my own release, and I had shame deep to my core that I couldn’t share. I won’t lie, I really hurt them by what I was doing to myself. I was hurting myself bad and losing my sanity, but I couldn’t stop or get out of it. I tried to explain. 

Over the summer, I dropped to 90lbs from self punishment due to suffering with anorexia nervosa. I think around that time I wanted to really die, again. I started abusing oxy to not feel, and to lose weight (stupid af, and not me). I went through something traumatic while I was high off my ass. I lost it completely. 

I devoted my life to helping others, I cry when others are sad and feeling bad. I give nothing but kindness. I am that friend that stayed up all night listening and helping, because I have a whole lot of observations I can give. But with this, I didn’t know who I was. I was really mean to them at the time. I was mean to everyone. I was bitter at the world, and ready to give up. 

My friends decided to give me an intervention. They pulled me into a group chat and told me I had to get better or they were out. At the time, I was fuming and over it, completely sucked into anorexia and my breakdown. “I told them I couldn’t, I wouldn’t”  they wouldn’t understand letting all this go, would make me feel every. Thing. They ignored me for awhile.

When I started talking to my one friend again, I wanted to be honest and open. I didn’t wanna lie anymore, all I had was shame and I was terrified. I told her how bad my ed has gotten, my secrets my trauma.  They were open about theirs, it was only fair, and I was so tired of getting twisted in my own lies. They took the lies personally, thought it was because I was “twisted”

My one friend told my boyfriend, who I already told first that I did oxy. I was furious!!!! My friend also told everyone else.. even about the trauma I faced. It’s not their story to tell. They told me they couldn’t do it anymore, I’m on my own. I cursed them out and left and coped by indirecting them on social media. I was hurt And left at the most crisis I ever had. Everyone has left me, it’s a serious issue for me.

My other friend saw the indirect and texted me. The words I remember was twisted, pathetic, bitch, liar. I was told I hope I live in my car as I destroy my life. I was called a druggie. I was told to go back to my anorexic friends and be pathetic. 

I apologized and tried to explain the truth... no one believed me. They believed my friend over me. I guess my lies failed. “I’m sorry” I said, “I’m sick and it’s not an excuse but please understand why, I never meant to hurt anyone, just myself, I’m sorry” and nothing. They all left. My only friends. 

I went into inpatient this year twice for my issues. I’m not even close to better, I can’t move on no matter how hard I try I’m trying to get better and I try and try but I am not healed from all that has happened. I feel unforgiven for my sins... I feel like I will always be a twisted monster who can’t be heard. They still say I did this to myself, and I did, but why continue to do this to me? IM SORRY I FUCKED UP. Can I not be redeemed? I went to treatment, I apologized, offered to all talk. I don’t know. I have no family either, so I’m completely alone. I’m so lonely. 

Since quarantine, I’ve relapsed into every self destructive thing besides drugs. I don’t want to touch those again. I feel a lot of shame, but I can’t get better when nothing is better in my life. I want to move on but I’m haunted by my past. I’m haunted by my mind every single day. My job, all I have, yeah probably going to lose that too for not functioning.

I just can’t endure this anymore