23 years. 

Since as long as I can remember I have had trouble with emotions and how to safely express them. 

By 14 I had self harmed, been angry with people for no reason, cried myself to sleep not knowing what I was actually feeling, terrified that if I spoke to someone they would abandon me for being to difficult. By 14 I had tried to commit suicide. 

It took me a long time and lots of channels to get my diagnosis. I have had it in writing for approx 2 months. 

Co-morbidity. Borderline (Emotionally Unstable) personality disorder, severe chronic depression, severe anxiety and PTSD. 

It's exhausting. And terrifying. And somewhat calming to finally have a clue as to what and why my head is this way. 

Months of GP appointments, assessments, intervention in psychosis, psychiatrists (some helpful some hindering). 

I really thought I'd feel some closure. I'm scheduled for counselling, DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) and a SHERPA course (specialist help in emotional regulation and personal attitude). 

I have a myriad of mindfulness apps, books, leaflets. Anything yoy could imagine. But I still feel like a confused and empty shell. 

I understand I don't have a 'bad' personality. But I also understand that my issues are not something you can just cure. The rest of my life will be managing symptoms, sickness from antidepressants, anti psychotics, appointment after appointment, therapy session after therapy session. 

I just want to stop existing even thinking about this monumental journey I am meant to be undertaking.  What if it's not worth it? What if it doesn't help? What if I spent the next 60 years waking up every day wishing I hadn't? 

Because that's what my life is now. 

It doesn't help my family has all but disowned me. My mother and grandmother, health and social workers. EMBARRASSED that their daughter/granddaughter is 'mentally ill'. I don't even come up in conversation any more. My mother didn't return my attempted calls on mothers day, her birthday...

It's been almost 2 months. It's so disappointing. Of all the people you would have thought they might show an inkling of sympathy and maybe even try to help. 

My saving grace is my stepfather, well, father. He adopted me when he married my mother and hasn't stopped loving me even since they divorced a year ago. He apologised through tears for failing me, he was so upset that he might have been a bad parent.  

It was a nice warm feeling when I could tell him he was wonderful,  and he always had been. And I'd always be his daughter. Warm feelings come very infrequently. The last time being my trip to a theme park early last year. 

My self harm has picked up, I am completely unable to live for the future. I have to do it day by day. I guess we'll see how it pans out tomorrow. 

In a way I find the accessibility of death a rather good comfort blanket. If things get too bad, if I find I can feel worse than I already do. 

I apologise for the length of this; I only intended to input my experiences but it seems I had a lot to say. 

Tl:DR/ diagnosed with BPD + more, family mostly suck, feel worse than ever, what future?

