**Multiple Questions Because I am a Shit Person With a Million Problems, No Friends, and a Tiny Support System**    A lot of these stem from the same places: low self esteem, destructive thinking patterns (that I recognize but absolute cannot break no matter how hard I try and don't even know HOW to break), severe co-dependency, s p l i t t i n g, extreme thinking, etc.    **diagnoses** BPD, Manic Depression^severe depression and occasional manic episodes (bi polar disorder), PTSD, Dermotillomania (OCD/anxiety).    **egostates** as far as I can tell (and others point out that they see otherwise--but as far as I can tell MYSELF) I only have one egostate and that is this pitiful childlike-victim-y state where I'm little and fragile and scared. And that's me like 100% of the time. Please be nice to me, please don't hurt me, please like me. If someone doesn't like me I want to kill myself, immediately.^sometimes they DO like me and I just convince myself they don't for no reason.    This particular problem with literally being a child makes my job especially hard. I am a manager at a fast food restaurant. I work at night with a primarily younger staff. They do not respect me. They do not listen to me. And I am convinced they all hate me even though: I am always nice, I help them do their job a LOT, and I know I've never been mean to them because I physically cannot be mean (or even get mad) without crying and wanting to kill myself for being a terrible person. The other managers walk all over me as well. And in general in work and outside of work my inability to see myself or present myself like an adult is making my life very hard. As I type this I am sitting with my over-sized teddy bear in my lap. I don't want to change who I am. I love being a little girl. I love cartoons and dress up and all these fun things, but I want to be able to be an adult when it is appropriate.    **codependent/depressed/destructive thinking patterns/severely low self-esteem** I started going to the gym so I could feel like I deserved to eat. I am very healthy in that respect despite my history of anorexia and eating disorders. My boyfriend goes with me and always makes me feel really pleased with myself for how hard I work and my determination. Because of my depression I have never (even as a child) done much of anything. I slept through most of my life. Cried. Spent a lot of time in my room. And as an "adult" now, not much has changed. But my boyfriend has researched a lot on how to help me with my depression (which is my worst problem) and being active and eating better are two HUGE factors there. But of course all I hear from him is that I need to work out, I'm fat, I'm getting fat, and he doesn't love me (NOTE: he has literally never said any of those things, I am just a bullshit crazy person loser face).    **part two of I hate myself for no reason** my boyfriend masturbates like a normal human but of course knowing this makes me want to kill myself. I cry everytime I "catch" him. I search his computer for traces that he's watched porn, etc. BUT THAT IS NOT CRAZY ENOUGH SO HOLD THE PHONE **I watch porn with him** I offer it. I choose to do that. he likes it, I like that he likes it, it's fun to see what he picks, etc. and after a ton of googling ("why does my boyfriend masturbate if we have sex almost every day?" "why do i care if my boyfriend masturbates?" "how have I not already killed myself?") I found that in order to feel better or understand I should try masturbating myself. I had in the past but never really enjoyed it. and occasionally I would but it's just not my thing. but I've really been trying lately. like as a way to treat myself or something. I don't know. all the love yourself articles say to do that. so now: I watch porn, I watch porn with my boyfriend, but when he watches it by himself I want to kill myself. WhAt Is ThAt???    I'm typing this in the middle of a semi-mental break down. I have to go to work later and I really don't want to and I feel like I may actually cry. I hate myself so extremely much. and I just found another book marked porn site on my boyfriend's computer (that we share, I'm not THAT crazy). I don't know if ya'll have any advice that'd be cool. If you have any questions or if nothing I said makes sense let me know. I am not going to kill myself. I say it all the time, I think it all the time, but in the end I'm way too scared. They are empty threats, my therapist knows this, I know this. Just FYI so don't like freak out.     oh and I guess backstory is: I was molested until I was 12 years old by 5 different unrelated people. I was just that much of a victim/target. one was reoccurring the others were once. I was raped at 19 by my "boyfriend" who I was with for 1 year. that was my first PIV sexual experience. my family is dysfunctional (like everyone else). my dad repeatedly cheats on my mom who can't be bothered to value herself or her happiness. both my parents present themselves as bi polar (manic depressive for mom) but neither of them believe in that "fake science." mom is also clearly BPD. I don't know. It's so much to type all at once, ya'll. just ask whatever you want to know. 