I'm legitimately at the point of checking myself into a mental ward for my own good. I fantasize about suicide near constantly, and I'm crying myself to sleep every night. I'm paranoid and mistrustful, I get angry really easily, and my emotions always feel raw and incredibly painful.

I'm terrified to reach out to my fiance. I'm scared he's going to decide I'm too much to deal with and leave me. He's kind of the last thing I'm holding onto to keep me alive. But he's seemed so distant from me lately, and I can't get any support from friends other than just empty placating words.

I need help. But I'm really terrified of mental wards. Does anyone have experience with them so I can be prepared for what's to come?