warning: incoherent. 18f i just had to get it out

i'm either anxious or depressed. i'm anxious and cry 24/7 and literally feel like i'm never doing enough and when i get to a certain point i feel that there is no solution to my issues and nothing i'm doing is helping i just say fuck it and go to my room and eat a trillion calories (bc food numbs me, i haven't discovered anything else that works as well though i'd really love to). this cycle has been going on for years and i'm zired. i have health issues that seem to only be getting worse, high school graduation exams starting in 2 weeks that i'm barely studying for amd feel absolutely no excitement about my future. my mother has bipolar and i am exactly like her just even worse. having seen her go through these exact cycles throughout my entire childhood and seeing that i can't help but be like her even though i've really tried to fight it but i'm burnt out from it before the age of 19 (birthday in 3 days oh yAy) i really can't help but think that it's not worth it at all. i have friends that kinda care and i have a loving albeit unstable family and i have understanding (i know i'm difficult to deal with) and in spite of all this i feel like there's no way out. i am ruining my own life and i'm not preventing it and nobody else is either. i just can't be consistent or whatever the fuck they say. it's in my fucking dna that i am not stable and i never will be and people had such hopes in me but maybe it's better to end it now before i become too big of a burden. i was an accident and both my parents have intense issues. i really shouldn't have been born, it's like everyone knew nothing good was gonna come out of this concoction of messed up genetics. i know everyone can control their own destiny but i feel like i've let it go too far and i don't have the strength to build myself back up. because nothing is working. the only time in my life i was kinda happy was when i starved myself but i can't even do that anymore. i keep thinking about my friends having normal lives and doing things and i know i have to see them to feel better but even a phone call is exhausting pretending like everything's okay because there is nothing particularly wrong either except that i'm going crazy. and i'm making my mum feel worse too. i may have saved her by being born but that was just a short term fix for what is now a long term mistake.