(I'm high on Ambien sorry if it doesn't make any sense)

(21M) I've been struggling with my mental health for years, trying to google every possible way I have felt over my life. I thought of Depression, ADHD, HIP, Autism Spectrum, Anxiety,... but I overthought so so so so so much about why I am the way I am that I just don't know anymore. 

I relate (in a sense) to all of them but I feel like I'm none of them. Sometimes I think so much that I just want to unplug my brain and make it shut up for once.

Lately I've been feeling like shit, I wake up and it takes forever for me to get out of the bed. And even if I do, I eventually feel so much like not doing anything that I end up going back in bed and wait there until it's late enough to pop an Ambien and sleep. I have no motivation to do anything that I don't like (and recently things that I like too). I feel like I'm just a lazy loser and that I just need to get my ass off my chair and fucking do something but I can't.

I day-dream about suicide. It's like a phantasy for me. I want it so bad. But I know I can't do it, my mama would be too sad and devasted and I can't inflict that to her.

I don't know what to do to keep on going I've been feeling like that for years on and off (mostly on) but at this moment, I feel worse that ever.

One of the only Brightside of all of this is that I have a couple of friends that I like very much (and I hope they do too but my mind will probably sabotage me in thinking they don't eventually).

There is so much more to write but I'm not even sure I am going to get responses and since I'm high I'm not even sure I'm going to remember it in the morning and I'm probably going to regret writing it.

 I just don't know anymore... My brain is like a fog of thought that I can't get rid off.