5 years of depression not once has anyone asked me if I am ok. I used to sit in a corner at school and cry all through break and lunch then just dissociate in class, I would sleep 3-4 hours a night max (this was when I was around 10). I have depression and possibly BPD I am constantly criticising myself and pointing out flaws in everyone around me (including myself) and judging people. I have no real personality and I act differently around everyone I know, my views change just to not upset anyone and I cannot express my opinion because I feel like if I do they will try to argue and if I defend myself they will leave me but I cannot just let them attack me. Its a paradox. In school I just have propaganda and THEIR values forced on me, I have no freedom of speech and I just don't care. What's the point in trying when I'll be long dead by the time everyone else is doing their GCSEs so why try? I don't even want to feel better anymore, I don't know what it feels like to be happy or just not empty inside and I don't even care. I look a t this world and see all the cracks and imperfections and it just hurts me to think that I have only 2 options; kill myself or live in this mess. I cannot come up with a single reason not to end it, I used to think 'but what about my friends and family' and people online saying suicide is selfish I just don't care I've spent 4 years here for them and I regret every second of it I just want one thing for myself. I cannot live in this world anymore, I just don't even want to I just want it to all stop so I can stop trying not to breakdown. Thanks if you read this fucking novel of a post and I hope that if you feel like this you can find something to make you better.

Bye