I have a giant mental block surrounding hygiene, to the point where I regularly go several days without taking care of myself. The thought of taking a shower, brushing my teeth, washing my face, and washing my hair repulses me. I’m in my grandmother’s house and it’s not the cleanest. I think about the germs in the sink and the shower. I think about the dirt on the floor. There’s rust on the walls and ceiling, and black residue in between the crevices of the tub. The only solution I have found is to wear shower shoes, shower and brush my teeth with the lights off. Even then, thinking about touching my body or the surfaces in the bathroom make me nauseated. I sit on the couch all day and don’t move because I’m too dirty to go anywhere, but I can’t drag myself to the bathroom without feeling like I’m going to cry.

I was living in my own apartment for a few months, but I couldn’t take care of myself. The thought of cleaning would disgust me, and I could only clean the bathroom once. I wouldn’t wash my hair until I left for my grandmother’s, I wouldn’t brush my teeth and shower for days at a time. 

I was raised by a hoarder, and we lived in squalor. The bathroom was never clean, the toilet would be grimey and broken. The tub would be gross, and the sink and floor would be cluttered. There was dirt packed in between the crevices and mice would run in the doorway. The condition of the hoard threw me into daily panic attacks, meltdowns, and tic fits, as my brain literally could not process information looking at the extreme mess. The gaslighting from the hoarder, and living in those conditions threw me into psychosis. I believe she is a narcissist.

I know I need professional help, but I don’t know what kind of therapist I should seek. I’m falling apart, and I don’t move all day. I want to start getting ready so I can start being productive.