I ruined my life and drove away my FP for good over 8 months ago, and then self-destructed and cut everyone off, but the back of my head refuses to accept what happened. It still hopes and fantasizes on things that are impossible now; tells itself "X would love this", when there is nobody anymore; remembers fondly as if those things will happen again; etc.

A song I've been listening to sums it up well (KS - Car Seat Headrest)

&gt; In the beginning, it was easy to deny  
A good friend of mine lives in Kansas 

It was worse in the beginning, but the denial is still here. Which is odd, since I've had nightmares about this almost every night since I ruined everything.