I really don't know what I'm doing with my life. I see 2 therapists weekly and have been attending outpatient rehab for alcohol and benzos. I know I'm depressed but I don't know why. Something bad happened to me when I was 17 and that's what got me started on pills, but even before that I was depressed. I have a great family and was given countless opportunities/resources growing up. now I'm 19, a college dropout, living at home, and working part-time in retail. I am miserable every day. I've been on meds before and saw little improvement. I'm off pills now but drink every day. It's the only thing I look forward to. my parents and counselors think I'm sober. I know it's selfish but I would rather be dead. id never actually do it because of what it would do to my parents and siblings, I could never do that to them. but knowing I want to die and having to stay alive makes me feel even more trapped. I feel like I've already ruined my life and am the biggest loser/disappointment. I just don't know how to keep going. It is destroying my mom and I feel terrible. I wish I could just get out of everyone's lives and stop making them sad.