I'm going through so many rapid thoughts right now and this is the current one. since my last relationship ended (I'm always hoping they will come back, I love and adore that person to death that will never change for me, however I appreciate we are not together right now) I have been a complete and utter mess. it's genuinely pathetic and disgusting and if I'm brutally honest with myself toxic and I fucking hate that word. I hate a lot of words/terms associated with BPD. 

I can see why we aren't together, I can see why they left. I didn't realise but they were my FP (and Jesus Christ I hate that term) and it was not healthy at all. it started off healthy but it became unhealthy. it's not all my fault but a fair amount is and the way I have acted since we broke up and they started dating someone new pretty soon after has been toxic and damaging to those around me. (I keep hurting myself and trying to unalive myself which has affected those around me pretty badly and they are bored of me now) 

I think the only way to improve and get better as a human being is to learn about this disorder but I don't feel ready to learn about it. I feel ashamed of it and I think I'm really afraid of being brutally honest with myself and admitting my faults as well. I'm really scared of triggering myself or learning something I really can't stand and it making me want to die even more. 

currently I am debating whether I should try and kill myself when I have this opportunity coming up or do I carry on? I just have no clue what I'm doing and my brain feels very tired and my heart is shattered and I can't cope but one thing I do know is I hate this fucking disorder so much. 

I have no idea. I have no idea what I'm doing or feeling. I miss them so much and everything hurts so badly.