Hi Reddit!
So this is the first time I've posted in this sub but I wanted to share my story with you all. 
I do talk about the tougher times below that may be triggering to some so please be warned if you're sensitive to such topics!

Since really, really young I've suffered with BPD 'traits'. 
In fact in my first school my teachers told my parents 'aims-x has unusually intense relationships with the other students'  and 'we feel sometimes we are walking on eggshells with her' I cannot stand that phrase,btw..feels like a total punch to the gut. Anyway..

I've been through hell and back trying to figure myself out and what was wrong with me. 
I started self harming at the age of 10, I didn't even know what I was doing I just felt like I needed to feel pain. 
 
I've tried multiple times to commit suicide, failing every time and hating myself more and more after each failed attempt. 
I stayed awake sobbing every single night planning my suicide over and over; I couldn't go a day without doing so. 

I'm 20 now, so I've been suffering with BPD for over 10 years..however I only recently reached out for help PROPERLY. 

I say properly because In the past (around ages 10-16) id always see psychotherapists and they'd just be totally confused at how one day I couldn't speak through the tears and the day after I'd act (and genuinely feel) like I was 100% fine. Then I'd stop going once I felt 'better' (had a good day).

In the last year, I found my SO and fell completely in love. He has changed my life, he encouraged me to get help and offered so much support that I'd just never had from previous boyfriends. 
My ex's would leave, call me psycho, be abusive &amp; just thrown me away when my BPD would cause me to have bad episodes. 

My SO now is totally different - he cares, he researches BPD, he's learned my triggers and because I feel so secure, my bad episodes are so much less. I finally feel like a functioning human being. 

As I was saying, I recently (in the past year) sought help because of him and now I'm on medication after discovering BPD. 
Learning about BPD was like reading a book I'd written myself!
I take 30mg (soon to be 40mg) of citalopram, and I know this is uncommon in many BPD sufferers but this medication has helped me tremendously. 

I go days and sometimes even weeks without uncontrollably sobbing, I no longer act out as much when I feel insecure with my SO, and I have been a good few months totally self harm free. 
I'm finally at a point in my life for the first time ever where death is something I'd say NO to if offered. 

I wanted to share this with all of you to say please keep continuing the fight, please find the right medication for you, don't be afraid to seek help and don't give up. 
I know how lucky I am to be in the place I am right now in life but I truly believe every single one of you in this sub can be somewhat free of this illness too no matter how long it takes. 

That's not to say that tomorrow, next year or in 10 years I won't fall back to my old ways - but right now life is finally worth living and I'm fighting BPD with every ounce of strength in my body. 


