Why am I such a terrible human being. I want to do the right things. Now I'm either not sure what the right thing to do is, or I just fuck up anyways. I don't know how to be a better person. Or maybe I do. Maybe I know how to be a better person but never do it because I hate myself so much that I'd rather live as a shit human being than do something to be better.

I don't fucking know anymore. I should stop caring about people judging me or leaving me because me constantly reminding myself to be aware of those potential outcomes will do nothing to protect myself from them. It'll only worsen my self esteem aggravating the entire situation. 

We're all alone anyways. I like to remind myself that a lot. We're all trapped in our own minds screaming and frantically searching for some form of connection that will help us forget the fact that we're alone. We're too wrapped up in our own thoughts that we can't even rely 100 percent on our memories.. Just look at how a large percentage of false convictions are caused by eyewitness misidenfications.

I hate everything.

Why the fuck do I feel sick whenever I try to get myself to eat. I can't stop obsessively thinking about suicide and those bad memories and how I'm a shitty human being.

If I could, I just want to smash my skull against a brick wall, take out my smooth brain and scrub it with a toothbrush until I'm free from these parasitic thoughts.