In 2020, a paramedic that works in the part of the city where I live sexually molested me (by playing with my boobs) during a psychological, non-epileptic seizure where I note everything but am trapped in my body. On Monday, I'm going back to university and I'm scared because I'll be leaving my apartment again every day. I have my seizures every day, especially on every way back home ever since that event. The last time I left my apartment about daily, it only took two weeks until he did this, plus back then I was as well wearing a t-shirt without a jacket or pullover just like I will in this semester because it's summertime.

I would ideally like to protect myself as well as others, but I doubt that's possible. I'm from Germany where the legal system is quite difficult for victims. The only way would be if I found someone that leaves him alone with me again and records him doing it again to me. I'm not sure if that's practically possible, we can't know he would do it again on the recording, it can likely but not certainly be used as evidence against him and the biggest challenge would be to find someone who places the camera. The person would commit a crime doing this, but it is likely that they won't be punished. Me saying that he did it without being able to prove it is a crime that I might or might not be punished for and most people that could do the recording for me (all colleagues I know heard about it so far) do not take me seriously or believe me. Recording myself "just in case" he will be there again would be illegal and not justified, unless I'm in that acute situation of danger. I think it would be great if all of these colleagues or the ones that are more likely to believe me (if they exist) could "randomly" find out that this happened and that this is the plan that I'm hoping for. I used to have a written version of what I reported to the police in my folder. This was really not supposed to be seen by his colleagues but they still did when they looked through my therapy folder. From this, I know that they, even the good ones that were always kind to me, don't believe me. Now that I know people may see it, I can't write something addressing them because then it might be considered a purposely "faulty accusation" since I don't have proof. I am not going to the company he is from because most people don’t believe me and they might report on me for “faulty accusation”. I would like to find a way to first find the people that believe me so then I can make a plan with them.

I would prefer to protect others as well as myself and I would be willing to go through it again for this. I'm not keen on it and I don't want to "trick" him into doing it, but if we will do it anyway, I want this to at least be the last time for me and everyone else.

If I really can't protect others then fine, I'm still here as well and then I want to protect myself at least but I don't really know how to. I'm not willing to give up my life, home, freedom, or independence. This, for example, means that I don't want to give up on being able to live in an apartment and leave it by myself and I don't want to make any specific people responsible for me to get alerted in case of a seizure.

I'm considering taking a cardigan with me that I put on when on my way home, maybe even with the closed backside to the front to make it more difficult for him /them to reach my boobs and also as a way of saying stop and no and suggesting boundaries where I can't actively do it due to the seizure, maybe also suggesting that I do note these things. I thought that I need an emergency plan just in case it happens again so that I don't have to think about what to do next and just function and go through my plan. I thought about how to make sure the police are being called (it won't lead to consequences but I want it to be documented in case there are more cases) even if I might be too triggered to speak. I decided that I will have an emergency card with me that says "If I show you this card and tap it three times, I was sexually molested by a paramedic again on the way here. In that case, please call the police for me." I am considering putting this card in my bra, maybe even one in my panties just in case, so he might as well be scared off by it once he starts. I will keep more cards available in case he takes the one(s) that he finds away. Even if it can't affect my security, I ordered an anklet with a cross that I can always wear just so if nothing else I can at least hold on to my faith and be reminded to not lose it even if it happens again.

I am in therapy, have been for 13 years, have 2 therapists but they don’t have any more ideas on this. I talked to several consultation centers for such cases and to a few lawyers.

1. What do you think about the idea of wearing a cardigan the reverse way and putting the emergency card in my bra? Do you think it might work to scare him off from doing it again, or do you feel like it might as well backfire somehow?

2. Do you have more ideas like this to enhance my safety from him during seizures?

3. Do you have more ideas about what I can do to increase my subjective sense of safety like having an emergency plan prepared or holding on to my faith?

4. Do you know how I can find out who would be willing to record him when he is alone with me again without having to randomly ask everyone?

5. Any other thoughts that could help me with this?