2 years ago today I was informed that my best friend had killed himself. we hadn't spoken in a week or so, and ironically the text I sent him the night I found 9ut was a song the title of which is a number for a suicide hotline. he was going to move in with me in may 2020. I regret not following him into the grave. i don't want to be alive anymore. I have planned for two years that I would kill myself this week. I took off from work but I'm a coward. I feel so guilty. like the best way to honor our friendship was to be alive to remember him but also that I should have killed myself to show what he meant to me. now I feel like the boy who cries wolf. illigitimized because I dont have the courage to follow through. i want it all to stop