Except for when I’m on shift with one of my coworkers. We’ve had fight after fight, none professional, none occurring in the right place or time, and we still can’t hash things out. I don’t know who’s at fault, her or me, but I’ve worked at the job for three years and even though she’s only been here a year, she’s the first person who’s broken me. 

What she does is this: I ask her to do a basic part of the job. We work at a coffee shop, and so I’ll ask her for something or other, and she’ll laugh. Like, a really cynical, incredulous laugh. Or she’ll sigh. Or she’ll say, “I *do* know what I’m doing.”

I’m head barista. Up until this year I managed the shop. I only stepped down because I had a trauma in my personal life. It’s literally my job make things run smoothly. 

I’ve asked her how I can talk to her without upsetting her, without sounding patronising. She won’t tell me. And the oops I did it again flare? That’s because three times now I’ve completely lost my shit and flipped it at her because she just sighs dramatically, or mutters beneath her breath, or gives me a look when I ask her as normally and as kindly as I can to do something that pertains to her job. Bpd brain says, “oh, you wanna be upset about something I said? I’ll say something to make you upset, then.”

Nothing gets better. Management might organise a mediation for us, but I just want to quit my job and never think about her again, because she’s honestly just a cunt. She’s meant to be good mates with my wife, but she’s absolutely awful to me. Then she goes on the next day like nothing happened between us, and I’ve apologised every time for my blow up but she’s never even addressed her own nastiness. 

And most awful of all is that because of the wonder that is borderline personality disorder, I don’t know if I’m just being overly emotional, if I’m being rude, manipulative, a cunt myself, sensitive, or all. of. the. above. I don’t know if it’s me or her, or both of us. 

One day she’s crying about her husband in front of me and the next she’s shutting me out. I know that she’s got a lot going on, and that’s why she is the way she is.... but I don’t deserve to be treated the way she treats me. 

I feel like the next time she triggers me I’m going to psychically assault her. It’s an impending thing, this rage I know I’ll fly into, but I don’t know how to mitigate it because I’ve tried so hard and now I just.. don’t want to. I want to hurt her. I want to scream at her and tell her what a dog she is. I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself from absolutely losing it next time. Urgh.