I  cannot live. I don't want to die. Nothing stops me but my own will. And  that is going fast. I think constantly about rope and an attachment  point, both of which I have.

So I  talked to a hotline: Have you done therapy? Yes, many times over the  years. Here's a list of self-care, can you do any of them? Yes, I do  many of them. Well, looks like you don't want a referral and won't do  self-care. Have a nice day.

That was helpful. Yeah right.

I wish I had someone I could actually talk to. But I keep learning the hard way that no one really wants to listen.