So for the past couple days I’ve been hypersexual (honestly not sure why, hormones are being weird I guess) and tonight my boyfriend (/FP) texted me that he wasn’t in a good mood. I always ask him if there’s anything I can do to help and he usually replies “idk”, which he did tonight.

I usually can’t really do much about these moods but the one thing that always seems to at least distract him for a bit is sexy pics (not full nudes). So I sent some, and of course, it worked. He got pretty excited, partially because I don’t send them nearly as much as I used to.

I like to revel in this validation for a bit and enjoy the fact that I can be sexy for him, but ultimately I end up feeling like garbage.

For one, I’ve been trying to work on my spiritual life as a Christian and I’m disappointed that I slipped up like this. I regretted it while I was doing it, despite craving my boyfriend’s attention and attraction. I feel like a hypocrite because while I’m still a virgin and still plan to wait for marriage, which my boyfriend knows, it’s still sexual activity. I’m happier with myself when I’m not doing things like this for him. It reminds me that our relationship is stable even without a sexual element.

The other thing is that I’m insecure even while I’m taking these pics. I often leave my face out of it (by choice) and only show my body–and he doesn’t mind that at all. I feel like that’s not actually a big deal, but my mind twists it and tells me he’s attracted to my body but not my face. And then there are the other thoughts like “he doesn’t give me this much attention otherwise” even though just the other day he literally started panicking because I fell asleep while texting him and then slept late the next day, thus taking longer to reply to him than usual. But my brain finds a way to screw with me. Always.