(I’m diagnosed bpd and live in the uk)
I’ve been through a terrible time in the last couple of years, but now the stress is decreasing and I’m working towards solving the problems. 

The stress sent me into a horrible state of constant crisis and self harm. Suicide attempts, police attendance, general a&amp;e attendance. Worse than ever before in my life....and I’m older...like over 35

So WHY even though the problems are resolving, I am still so desperate to hurt myself?

I don’t know why.

I don’t want to die tonight (although I’m not excited by living) I want to harm myself.

I don’t want to end up in a&amp;e....feeling ashamed....taking up a space amongst really physically sick people. I don’t want to talk to the Psych Liason Team. And I don’t want to do the walk of shame home in the morning and curl up in my bed and know I’ve fucked up again.

I don’t want to let my care coordinator down. She believes in me and believes I can get better (despite almost weekly police or a&amp;e issues) she never gives up. I’m scared that one more incident, might be the one where she says ....we’ve done all we can so we are discharging you now

I don’t want the police to come to my house. Follow me around. Me get agitated by there close proximity, they get worried about my agitation. They know my history, try to keep me safe, without restraining me, and try to avoid criminalising my behaviour. But I have been threatened with arrest and I have been handcuffed and their patience is probably wearing thin. No criticism to them, they are unbelievably kind 

WHY? Despite all this, do I want to take an overdose??? Why? I don’t get it?

Why do I wanna hurt myself? Please somebody explain???