This morning I was doing some really fun things during PT at the fire rescue program I’m in. We got in full gear and went through some tight spaces and over an obstacle the instructor built. Simply worded, we were “doing fireman shit.“

I had so much fun, even though some of the things scared me, and I was really happy. It gave me like an emotional high almost, it was so much fun and I was so excited that I got through some of the things I thought I wouldn’t be able to.

Then I got home and checked my grade book and saw I had an F in my English class. It scared me so bad and I finished the work I was missing and turned it in, so I know my grade will probably come up. And I still have the rest of the quarter, and the rest of the school year on top of that, so even if I fail this quarter but get an A the rest of the year, I could still average a B. I know that.

But there’s this pit in my gut that’s making me convince myself that I’m a fuck up and I deserve to fail and that I’m going to fail the entire class and I’ll never get into a college.. I’m so angry at myself and I’m upset and I can’t stop shaking and I just feel like an asshole because now that I’m angry I’m being short with everyone— even though I know it’s not their fault, I’m just so angry I can barely keep any of it in anymore. I spend most of my time alone in my room so I won’t be a dick to my whole family.

I tried to make a joke earlier to my brother’s boyfriend but now that I look back on what I said, he probably took it the wrong way and thinks I’m an asshole or something

I feel like shit.

I was having such a good day at PT, I brushed my teeth, I was trying to eat enough food— and then this happens and it all goes to shit ?? I hate that I can’t just get over it. Like I did what I could to fix it, it’s out of my hands now, but I just can’t get over it no matter what I do or say or think. And I just keep beating myself up over it. I hate it so much. Why can‘t I just be normal and accept that I fucked up and that it’s not a big deal

Sorry I’m so all over the place, I’m still really shaken up