I normally don't even use Reddit, but I figure that this may be a good place to vent, or to find someone who thinks the same way as I do.

Firstly, my reason for this post. I was freeing some disk space on my computer, when I accidentally deleted the Skyrim save files of a character I put almost a hundred hours into (and the recovery methods somehow did not work). Sounds dumb, yes, but if you consider the time I put into it, the bugs that made me rage, the funny moments that made me laugh, etc..., I kinda formed a strong emotional bond with the character in the save file, and it's no longer 'just a game' like literally every boomer parent like to say.

(In fact, like many others here, shitty parenting seems like one of the many reasons why I'm so attached to game in the first place. Because when I look in the real world, also known as 'face reality' or 'touch grass', I'm instantly reminded of how shitty it is and will be.)

But the worst was what happened afterwards. Normally, when I did something stupid, I would be thrown into a fit of rage (smashing keyboard, throwing mouse, punching screen...) or cry a lot in frustration and sadness.

Instead, I just sat there, feeling nothing. I tried to Google suicide methods, I provoked the voice in my head to blame me and piss me off, I scratched and bit myself. Still, those feelings of sadness, frustration, anger lasts only for a few seconds, before I'm returning to my numb state.

It's like my worst fear coming true (if I can even call it that, because right now I can't even feel fear). When I first found out about depression, I discover some of the serious cases where people will actively seek out something to feel, even pain or sadness. Back then, my symptoms were not 'that' serious yet, so I was like: "Hm, sadness sucks ass, but still, I would hate to be one of these guys. Hope my mental state won't be like that."

Well, but here I am, hopeless af. Anyway, hope y'all motherfuckers here keep up the fight, because I give up. I literally can't stand myself anymore.