My father is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline multiple personality disorder. I grew up in an abusive environment (mostly mentally abusive, but also physically abusive at times). I am now a 25 year old male and I fear that I have some form of a mental illness. On some days I feel extremely blessed to be alive and on others I feel like I want to die. I am in a 6 year relationship with an amazing woman and we live together. I have learned to be a better man but have a horrifying realization that I may always be this way. I see that I am hurting my partner and it pains me to know that I’m the cause to her unhappiness. I fear that I may never be able to sustain a normal, functioning relationship without hurting the one that I love the most. Just because I have a mental illness doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person or that I don’t deserve close love and intimacy. However, how can I go through life with a partner that I hurt and expect her to deal with pain and disrespect. I am admittedly abusive at times and I hate myself for being that way. I say and do horrible things in fits of random/blind madness yet I truly don’t mean them. My feelings in these bouts of intense rage and depression are not my true feelings, yet they overcome me to the point where I damage the ones I love. I am strongly against psych medication but am very open to therapy. How do I fix myself? I truly want to be a better man but I feel as though I am destined for a life of high ups and downs that feel uncontrollable.