Hi there all hope you are well

My names Will I’m 21 and from England:)

This is my first ever post like this and it’ll be more of rant but just need to blow off steam really so sorry if it’s a boring read.

I’d appreciate just discussion with people, it’s hard to discuss with my family and peers as I’m often told I’m being dramatic. Please tell me if thats the case.

I’ll get straight into it.

So essentially the point of my rant here is that for the last 9 years at least I have really struggled with low self esteem, lack of drive, hopelessness and struggling to fit in with pals or date. My entire life just feels as though I was never supposed to be happy. My mum gave me the best possible upbringing that I’ll always be grateful for and I appreciate that people had it much worse than me, but I’ve never felt ‘happy’ or content. (I appreciate this may not be making any chronological sense but I’m awful at writing).

There was always one thing right from as early as I can remember that has caused me issues - my old brother. He’s 10 years older than me, I’m and 01 baby and he was a 1990 baby. He was very violent towards me as a child, not just your usual brother banter type thing but genuinely massively violent. Some event that stick out are times when he strangled me to just the point before I’d pass out and body slam me as hard as he could into the ground, bare in mind I was only about 3-5 years old and he would have been a teenager. He also used to be emotionally abusive towards me and do everything in his power to make me upset. He would routinely punch me and agitate me even when mum was there. I would spend whole days absolutely petrified as no where was safe and I couldn’t even lock myself in my room as he would come in and pull me out of there, even when I was sleeping. 

As I got older and started primary school obviously I spent less time at home alone however my mum worked Monday and Tuesday evenings and Woukd often work as a hairdresser other evenings whilst my dad would either work away or go to the pub. These were times when I was left alone with my brother. 

Anyway moving on, as I got older my brother developed a major drug habit, starting with tripping and smoking bud to eventually becoming a heroin addict when I was 13. Since then he has constantly been an issue, I have seen him die twice, witnessed things a kid never should have etc.

On top of this in my social life things aren’t much better. I have always been really socially awkward and struggled to interact, I’m also a pretty ugly fella who is 5ft9 and 15.9st. I’ve done everything in my power to better myself but I just can’t shake this feeling of being unwanted.

I have used many coping mechanisms for this which turned into some nasty vices and my own addiction.

I’m really sorry but I don’t know where I’m going with this so I’m going to cut it off but I just needed to get stuff off my chest.

Hope all is good

Will