I have recently begun dating a friend of mine. He's sweet and puts in effort. He tells me i deserve everything he has. He says he loves me, I love him. But it's been very hard to believe him when he says he loves me, and it's been hard to let him take care of me. He hasn't even seen the ugly side of me. I'm a very sad person. I try not to be but when you are constantly on the look out to make sure no one hurts you or abandons you it's hard to be normal and happy. He is aware of my self harm addiction, abandonment issues, trust issues, etc. But he still hasn't seen the worst and I'm trying my hardest not to let him so I don't lose him. I can't let him know how sensitive and clingy I am because I don't want to be too much. I just hate it. All I can think about is leaving him before he leaves me first. All I want to do is harm myself because instead of enjoying time with him all I can think about is how much it's going to hurt when he leaves. 

I've been clean from self harm for a little over a month now but these past few days I've been very tempted to hurt myself just to self destruct in some way. I would never tell him or show him if I did relapse, though the sick part of me wants to so I can get comfort and reassurance from him. That makes me hate myself even more. Because even though I'd never say anything about it or purposely show him I want the comfort and reassurance it would bring. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship, he does. I'm scared all I'm going to do is ruin him with my sadness and self hatred. I've been trying so so hard to be normal, to be healthy and good. But I don't feel good enough. I've been trying hard to communicate and not push him away. I've been acting fine even though all I can think about is rotting in my bed. I wish I could love with out making them my favorite person, I don't know how to not let his words and actions affect my day to day life. i don't know how to not just sit around and wait for him to reply.  I really hate this, and honestly maybe I don't deserve love, especially his. I just wish I was normal :(