I haven’t read it after myself, English is not my first language. Sorry for that 

I’m 20, healthy, just started university, everything is going quite okay but I cannot shake off this feeling that I have to make sure that my parents are happy. I feel like all of the time I’m spending with them is still not enough and that it’s slipping through my fingers. 

Family has always been a huge part of my life, like huge huge. It feels like apart from family there isn’t anything I actually care about. 
Especially now, because I distanced myself from friends, mostly because I don’t feel like I wanna be with them. I don’t have a partner, so the only people in my life I want to spend my time with are my parents.

I’m really trying to be happy and okay with myself. I’m trying to be somewhat productive. 
I’ve also stopped cutting myself - it has never been a huge problem, it’s just a way how I deal with stress, sadness and anger. And now I’m dealing with that mostly by hitting my forearm  on the edge of the table. Or I’m trying to breathe properly and do some breathing exercises to calm myself down. I started “exercising”, to feel good, 10 mins a day, nothing huge. I quit laying in bed in the morning for endless hours, when I have to do school stuff I sit at the table and Im actually trying to do the stuff. 
I know it’s small stuff, but it’s something I manage to regularly do. 

And even though I’m doing these new things that are supposed make me feel somewhat better, i feel like it’s not enough. And that even if it would be enough I’m not that important. 
I don’t care what happens to me, I just wish I would feel like I’m enough. 

Or, uh I don’t know, maybe if there would be couple of days I wouldn’t think about everything. 

In a way, this could probably be bcs of corona and quarantine, but when I think about how miserable I was 1-2 years ago, I’m telling myself that I should be happy now. 

I’m having dreams where my exes/friends are blaming me for the failure of the relationship. 

And all of this stuff is in my head, the need to hurt myself to be able to escape a situation, the idea of being failure to the people in my surroundings. Etc. And that’s fucked up, I wish I would be more sunshine everywhere. And not questioning everything I do. 



Sorry, I just really needed to write it down and put it somewhere, so someone knows. 
I created an account for this.


Wish you well
/whoever, if anyone, reads this/