I only ask because I can't see myself being happy for a prolonged period of time, regardless of circumstance. But I'm able to push myself through to the next day fairly easy, because I can acknowledge that I feel this way because of who I am, I can tell myself "you just feel this way because you have this that or the other disorder" or "Maybe that isn't the best way to respond, and you need to take your breaths, think for a minute, and then send that text". 

I learned to adapt a long time ago, before I was diagnosed with BPD. I knew I had depression and ADHD. I also feel like maybe I'm extremely high functioning autistic or Asperger. But the older I get, the harder it is for me to focus on the fleeting moments of joy between the crushing reality of depression. 

I don't know. 

I don't mind continuing to exist for the sole purpose of others, like my parents, my friends, my roomates.. I just guess I wish it was more cut and dry, like it was stated that "no, you wont be happy, and that's just the way it is for you. Suck it up." because then, honestly, I think I could. I would accept my fate and just be another cog in the machine.. But everyone who I go to for support tells me that me being happy is important, and the truth of the matter is the happiest I could be is just not being. But that's selfish. It's the cowards way out.. at least, that's what they tell me. 