TW: House fire, abuse, self harm, suicide
Idk if this is the proper sub or where else to vent my feelings as I have been out of therapy for ages (long ass waiting list everywhere 🤦🏻‍♀️). My family had a house fire a few nights ago and I feel numb, lost, and somewhat depressed. I caught the flu too so that doesn’t help. Luckily my family and beloved pets made it out before the house became engulfed in flames. I went into a full blown panic attack and couldn’t stop hugging my pets bc I would never be able to live with myself if I had left them in there. My pets are my babies and they are my everything. They have been there to support me through my lowest points even those days I woke up hoping I wouldn’t wake up the next.

On the day of the fire I thought of giving my estranged bio father a chance to be there for me since he’s always asked me to. Our relationship is toxic. He is arrogant, manipulative, insensitive, and sees everything I do as unworthy or never enough. He will always see me as a poor bastard child. Meanwhile he gave his other kids financial stability, private schools, etc. He played my mom and my step mother at the same time and to this day he won’t admit it. I’ve been stalked and abused in all forms and he’s gone out of his way to say it’s my fault for not defending myself, thereby I let it happen to me. Nonetheless, for years I spent my life struggling to forgive and justify his poor role as a father and his criticism. The more I thought of it the more I realized what I feared most was the Bible commandment “honor thy father and thy mother” but when is enough enough ?? When do you stop sacrificing yourself for someone who doesn’t give two fucks and always puts you last. Why do I care so much about the commandments ? Is it that engrained into my brain that I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with every little thing I do that I do not want to hurt anyone but I end up getting hurt? I’m not even ultra religious . This has me feeling like a walking contradiction. And there are so many fucked up things he’s done but the day of the fire was the limit for me. I called and the first thing he said was “hold up I’ll call you back I’m in a meeting”. Then he called back to say “oh but you’re okay so don’t worry about it it’s over” I tried screaming how scared I was bc I thought for a sec I would lose my pets and I was just coming down from the shock. And he says “omg daughter listen to yourself what matters is that you got out forget everything else and the animals those things you can always buy new ones of.”

THINGS ????? I felt like I was going to explode  that day but knew I had to take care of my mother, family and pets. I hung up and haven’t spoken to him since. 2 days ago I sent him a long message pouring my heart out and he hasn’t replied in two days. I guess he’s waiting for an apology for “insulting him”. I feel relieved yet heartbroken and I hate that about myself right now. I can’t hate him. And throughout all he has done it hurts me, it hurts to think I have hurt him. Even though he’d probably victimize himself in the end. 

This has been keeping me awake for days apart from the constant nightmares of the smell of smoke, the firefighter alarms, the blinking lights. I don’t even want to be next to a fucking candle bc I’m so terrified. At one point my mind wandered back to self harm as a form of relief but I know I promised myself to stop and am about to make one year of sobriety.

To add more salt to the wound, my beloved tight knit community is about to give their collection fund for my family to my stepfather who does not live with us but is well known. The man is another poor excuse for a father and knowing him he will either keep it all or give us a tiny fraction of it and then spend it all on his drug addiction. I’ve contacted the people in charge and I hope I can get them to understand without causing any problems. I don’t want them to treat him like shit either but just be aware that he’s unreliable. 

Anyway sorry for the long rant even though this is only a small fragment of all the bullshit going on. I would appreciate anyones thoughts especially if you have been through these type of parental relationships. Thanks for reading this.

P.S. Please don’t say anything bad about my mom and her poor choice of men. We already know that and as Stephen Chbosky said “We accept the love we think we deserve.” And that was my mother’s downfall stemming back from unresolved trauma. Nonetheless, she’s an amazing strong woman and it’s unfortunate that she’s been taken advantage of by these two douchebags.