I havent cleaned my room since may. I quitted my job last month. All i do all day is being on my phone, dissociating from real life. Anytime someone wants something from me i just isolate. 
After years of living with mental health issues im starting to sink to the bottom.

But everyone is happy, living their lives, no one caring a fucking shit about me.
Momma happy with her new bf, unemployed.
Pappa still thinking im twelve years old.
Grandma getting up our light debt, gets mad anytime we tell her to stop getting lights on all night for the fucking cats.
Grandpa in a psychotic depression, doing the most to escape from us.

Now that i hitted 18 all my family spects from me is money. If not money, they want me to help in chores.

I cant.

I cant get up.

All i do is wanting to die and not being able to because my parents are still so lovely to me.
I dont fucking need love, i need them to be responsible.
I need them to stop gaslighting and judging me.

Im desperate. I dont have no friends. I cant vent to no one. If i do im a selfish piece of shit just ruining their good moods.

Man i want to scream.

To hit a tree till my knuckles bleed.

All my sadness is converting to anger and frustration.

And i cant fucking suicide. I cant i cant i cant i cant.

But man that is all i want.
 
Drugs and alcohol are all my fucking escape, otherwise my adhd gets crazy depressive and i want someone to smash my head with a hammer to a pulp. Help me please...