hi, im a 20 year old male and i’ve been dealing with depression for a long time now but have been in a constant state of it for about 10 months now, i dealt with depression from 7th-11th grade but i was always a good student in school and have always had good friends and support around me, i never got in much trouble but i just struggled mentally, i met my girlfriend in 11th grade as well as started smoking weed and both seemed to help, didn’t smoke much but just when i got the chance given i grew up in a christian household where my grandfather is the pastor of our church, been going my whole life, went to the school there from 5th grade to graduation, sorry if this order is shit i’m just rambling, but i was fine for a while, i joined the military and left home and had a bunch of just what may seem like a movie type of bad things that kept happening to me, but i had been trained well and had been the most mentally tough i have ever been in my life, nothing could’ve shaken me, i was deployed immediately after my 9 months of training, i had only a week during that time to see my family, going from a normal high school life to this life while all your friends and family are in the same spot you left them at is a weird feeling, but i was strong and was able to not have too much of an issue with it, my girlfriend had a different experience, it almost resulted in us breaking up after having been together for a little over 2 years at that point, i got through my deployment but it was tough and i was so excited to come home, im in the reserves btw. so i gina came home last december and was looking forward to being back and getting my life moving, i took a break for about 2 months because i had saved a lot of money and was still getting paid for my leave days since i never used any while i was away, i got a job as a teachers assistant and started to have a lot of realizations about my life and the world, it has slowly but surely taken me to a point to where i am here today looking at the world with fire in my eyes, wishing everything would just go away forever, it’d be for our greater good anyways, im still a 100% saved christian and have tried getting help from all kinds of different resources and services, im on medicine as well but it doesn’t seem to be helping i’ve lost the will to keep going on for other people where for the past few months that’s been what’s been holding me here, but the past week i haven’t cared any more, i don’t want to be here anymore and it’s so tough and i just hate thinking about the fact that i am only 20 and have 70ish more years dealing with the same stuff daily just like my mom has been since her depression has started, i just hate every thing that i feel i’m expected to do, all i want in life is to be a free spirit and just do what i want and not what others expect of me, i know i have the choice but if i was even capable of living my dream it would ruin reputation of my family. every day i may seem okay by most people, but when i get to talking about life and get into deep conversations, i always throw people off when i make light of certain issues that i have with people or the world as a whole, and they say “you sound depressed” and i’m like “yeah, beyond comprehension” and just laugh about it like i was joking, they know i’m telling the truth and i just tell them i’ll get over it eventually and that i’m getting help but truth is idk if i really am “getting help” or if i really will be okay eventually, i just want to be at peace, this world is not my home, i feel completely alienated from everyone else, i almost feel like everyone is part of my own world created just to torture me, i have no idea what really is going on in my head, i have terrible memory, and can’t function properly at work, my life is just a complete fucking disaster and i just want it to disappear, sadly in my case i won’t be doing anything about it right now, idk if i ever will, but i feel like i’m getting closer and closer to that point, i really do love all my friends and family and those that are in support of me, but i just don’t feel like i’m going to be able to last here for long, i can’t take it for much longer, im sorry for this being so out of order and probably confusing and repeating itself but i’m mentally just not there anymore, also forgot throw this in there earlier but now i don’t feel like changing anything i’ll just put it here, the day i got back from deployment i was able to start smoking weed again because i wouldn’t have had to have a drug test for a while, well like mentioned before, i only was able to smoke weed every now and again when i was in high school but i knew i always enjoyed it and used it for fun but honestly more so as a medicine, i still do and i have been smoking every day since i got back, im still in the military and have been drug tested but was too depressed and still to depressed to give a fuck, i don’t want the military anymore, i don’t want a normal job, that’s not because i’m a lazy stoner, weed was a big part in i spring me to to stuff and better myself, my depression has just infected every aspect of my life like the fucking plague, me and my girlfriend recently celebrated our 4 year anniversary and it was amazing but shortly after that i started going back to my old self again, it makes me feel like i shouldn’t be with her anymore because she should have better, i have good looks, i don’t have much an issue with my self confidence, i’d give myself a solid 8 honestly, but that doesn’t play a factor for me, i feel that she needs someone who can be there for here at all times and i just can’t anymore, i’ve become so distant, and feel like a soulless shell when i do my normal hobbies like watch videos and listen to music, i just stare through the screen like nothing is there, same thing happens when i’m in conversations with people if i’m in one of those moods or if i’m not interested. okay guys i feel i a had enough rant for now . thanks to anyone that read all the way through if that’s even going to happen, keep me and my friends and family  in your thoughts and prayers please.