My mother died today (post written 5/26/21) from Stage 4 pancreatic cancer with a blockage in her colon causing excruciating pain and her to puke her feces occasionally. Hospice helped her last couple weeks be as comfortable as they can be given her state.


I moved out of state a few months ago. My father called me to visit asap because she wasn't going to live long. I am in my parent's home as I type this. She passed peacefully and comfortably today (morphine) but I simply don't feel any internal negativity. Physically I cried a few times today but because of things like "she knew we loved her" or "she was awake enough to know you were here". We never got along and I couldn't stand being around her but I do regret not doing anything with her in the time when she was first diagnosed and when she was too weak to do anything (tye-dyeing shirts, helping her with her garden, etc.). That being said, I wish she didn't die so horribly, wish she could have come to my wedding, saw me graduate college, etc. Again, no internal sadness. No anger.

What in the everloving is wrong with me?