because of my past relationships and just my shitty life, i have severe abandonment issues and i have horrible self esteem. im so self conscious that when my boyfriend spends time with other people (specifically people who hurt him repeatedly, who ive tried to get him to stay a little bit of a ways from because they repeatedly hurt him. i obviously dont force him to stay away from anybody though because his connections are up to him and he is entitled to his own relationships and decisions) i straight up cant even handle it, i cant wrap my head around him wanting to spend time with people who want me dead, who slander me, who hurt me and constantly talk horribly about me and our relationship. it makes me feel like the good things i do will never matter because people who treat him like shit still get to have his love, and no matter what i do im always replaceable. hes not going to stop loving them but my brain tells me theres no way hes not going to stop loving me. i feel like the pain that theyve caused me doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things or even in small instances. it rips at my heart and brain everyday. what do i do? these people have literally told me the world is better off without me and that i ruin everything and that my feelings dont matter at all. so much more aswell. but he still wants to see them all of the time even though they dont take care of him like i do or even fucking reach out or genuinely care, they always invalidate him. why are they my equals? :/ why do i take this so personally to fucking heart? it hurts so bad everyday because theres nothing i can do at all. i tell myself my feelings are unacceptable and to shut the fuck up before i ruin something even more. im also paranoid that hes going to start talking shit about me behind my back and i wont know because i trust hum and could never second guess a thing he says. hes not even a bad person or the type to talk shit. WHY CANT I ACCEPT THAT IM NOT WHAT MAKES HIM HAPPIEST? I FEEL GOOD FOR NOTHING. PLEASE HELP ME