Tl;dr

My ex girlfriend and I broke up and now she is seeing someone else already. I'm suicidal again and don't want to go to my friends because of how I found out.

Hello,
I hate to be doing this, but I feel like I'm in a situation where I can't reach out to loved ones and friends. I've reached out to friends about my suicidal thoughts, but I haven't been able to mention everything because I feel guilty (6).

KEY: (1. Breakup/important note), 2. Imprtant note, 3. My emotions, 4. Her emotions, 5. Us post breakup, 6. How I found out)

1. On September 12th, my ex girlfriend and I broke up after a year and a half. We had a perfect relationship for most of that time and we were each other's first "real" relationship and longest partner. She was the first girl I loved and I truly believed she was "the one." Towards the end, we had a lot of problems/disagreements, which is why we ultimately broke up. She also claimed to be asexual a couple of months before we broke up, which is VERY important in this situation later on.

2. Imprtant note: We signed an apartment lease earlier this year. She had family in the city we are currently in, so I made the stupid decision of agreeing to uproot my life and move away with her. She was very stubborn and refused to move in with people that she knew, so we have unfortunately been stuck in this one bedroom apartment since then.

3. Me: Of course, with the break up being mostly her idea, I was utterly shocked and dealt with mass amounts of grief, anxiety, depression and every single emotion that comes along with those disorders. The first two weeks for me were the worst two weeks of my entire life. I've never felt that amount of emotions and that was the first time I ever really dealt with suicidal thoughts. As time progressed tho, things began to even out a little bit for me. That was up until yesterday (which will be explained soon).

4. Her: She dealt with anger, frustration, and anxiety. She was very closed off (understandably) from me and never really talked about how she was feeling. The first two weeks were also very rough for her (from my pov), but the third week (this week) was the hardest for her. Her anxiety changed from being manageable to debilitating.

5. Us: The two days following the break up were very civil. We talked a little bit and were no longer arguing, just having convos on how we were feeling. We talked about keeping things civil between us, set up boundaries and talked about being friends later on down the road. I flew out to my hometown to visit friends and family, but when I returned, things took a twist. Her attitude completely changed and she was very toxic and she became a total b***h towards me. Any time I tried to talk about things, she would be very hot-tempered towards me. There were a few instances where I overheard her talking s**t about me with her friends and a couples times that she threatened to take her name off the lease and leave me with the burden of the apartment. Meanwhile, I was extremely patient with her and offered my support if she ever needed it. She made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and had a very strong hatred towards me without reasoning (we had our problems, but nothing major). She even said that she didn't think we would ever be friends and at one point said to her friends, "yall should come pack my s**t, help me move and then give &lt;me&gt; a big 'f**k you.'" It felt like she continued to kick me at a point when I was already at my lowest point on the ground. This week (week 3), tho, she dealt with debilitating anxiety. One day (the 27th), she came home crying and asked for a hug. I was happy to give her one. We talked and she told me how she was feeling and ultimately apologized for being a b***h for the last couple of weeks. Since then, things have been very civil. We both understand we won't be in a relationship, but she has been more vulnerable. She's doing things she wouldn't do in front of other guys (farting, burping, etc...--nothing intimate), we have been laughing and she's been very open about how she's feeling. We have even talked about potentially being friends down the road again. Things were great considering the situation. That was up until yesterday.

6. Before our break up, we installed a security camera¹ in our apartment because we have pets. She never asked for the login credentials for the app though. Yesterday (30th), she told me to grab all of the things that I might need from that room because she was gonna be busy in there. I agreed and grabbed what I needed. With the motion sensor activated, my camera application started notifying me that the camera was being activated. Initially, I thought nothing of it, but as I continued to get them, I went to check it. Turns out she was trying on sexy outfits and sending lewd photos/videos to another guy. I felt/feel guilty for having these videos, but at the same time, I'm deeply hurt. I know nothing sexual is happening, but I feel like it is being implied (which imo is conroversial to her claim of being asexual). This sent me into a downwards spiral and created a massive amount of anxiety for me. I've felt suicidal ever since then. The reason for that I'm unaware of. I have questions racing through my head. I know she has known this guy for a little while, but did they have chemistry while we were in a relationship and that's why things ended? Did she lie to me about being asexual? Did she really get over me that fast? Does he even know about her current situation? Why is she talking to someone while dealing with the emotions/situation she's dealing with? Is she willing to do all of these things for this guy when she wasn't willing to do it for me? Do I confront her about all of this?

I'm caught in a cycle. I can't get these questions out of my head and I am excessively overwhelming myself to a point that I am noticing my health deteriorate. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm tired...

Side note: she's planning a trip to "see some family," but after doing simple opsec into the other person, I know he lives close to where she's going.

¹She was fully aware of this decision and knew where the camera was set up and everything