I think this is why I’m perpetually depressed and suicidal. I just can’t envision a future where I’m happy. I have no idea what that would look like because everything I want I simultaneously hate. It doesn’t even make any sense but somehow it’s true. So I don’t even know what I’m waiting around for because, logically, it’s impossible for things to improve because I’m like this.

I can’t have anything to do with my family (even though the pandemic has forced me back into my mums place which is killing me slowly all on its own), I can’t have friends, I certainly can’t have relationships because despite being so incredibly fucking lonely down to my core, as soon as I’m around people I feel more alone and want to be by myself again. And people say it’s cause I “haven’t found the right people” but I have before and that was worse somehow and now they’re not even a part of my life anyway.

I can’t hold down a job because if I work for longer than about 6 months it triggers a psychosis or I become extremely disconnected and dissociative to the point of complete debilitation, yet I feel like a loser constantly when I’m not working and I’m existentially bored. And yet despite being bored, as soon as I try to do a hobby or learn a new skill, I somehow become *more* bored and then frustrated because I can’t focus on it because I don’t even want to be doing it anymore.

I can’t drink or do drugs or self harm because people who aren’t even in my fucking life anymore got me to stop and now I feel too guilty and ashamed about it to make it worth numbing out for a while. I can’t commit suicide cause I might fuck it up again and get institutionalised. 

I can’t live alone because I get suicidal and do stupid shit because there’s no one to stop me but I can’t live with people because I hate never being able to be truely alone.

I just don’t know what I’m still waiting around for. Nothing can get better because as soon as I get what I think I want, what I want does a full 180 and all of a sudden I hate what I got and want the opposite again. I don’t even know how to fix that, the dozens of medications haven’t helped at all, it seems to vex every therapist I’ve ever seen, I can’t do drugs like people suggest because I have super bad reactions to them. I’m just at a loss, like I said, logically I don’t even think it’s possible for things to improve. How could they? I’m a walking fucking contradiction. I don’t have any hope because I don’t even know what it is that I would be hoping for, other than to be a completely different person with a completely different brain, which obviously isn’t gonna happen.