I (33f) am absolutely torn up right now. I feel like a horrible person. I am engaged to my fiancé (39m). I love him to death. We get along so well together. If I weren’t fixed, I’d want to have his babies. I want to grow old with him and be that old couple teasing each other on the front porch. 

We are both divorced and have kids from previous marriages. I’ve never met his oldest (12m) because he’s in a different state. His other two (3.5m, 2.5m) live with baby momma in another city about 5 hours away and he sees the infrequently. We have lived together over a year and my two (3f, 1.5m) live with us. 

3.5m and 2.5m came to live with us for 2 months over the summer. It started off as baby momma giving us a 4 day notice they’d be with us for a month because she “needed a break” and turned into them being with us for 2 months. It was going to turn into 3+ but he said if she didn’t come pick them up, he’d file for sole custody. 

That month was pure torture. They hit, they kick, they bite, both each other and my kids. They don’t listen ever and they bully. They are almost twice the size of my kids and could do some serious damage so we have to constant keep a close eye on them. Their mother doesn’t discipline them and even though my fiancé does, and he’s good at it, they aren’t around long enough now for it to stick. I should clarify, they now visit for about a week at a time every couple months. 

My fiancé and I are talking about buying a house together. I think I’ve decided to get the house in my name in case, god forbid, anything happens between us, to protect my kids and I. 

But I realized in writing that post that I’m hesitant to marry my fiancé BECAUSE of his two youngest kids. If anything comes between us, it will be them. I feel like an awful person because I can’t stand them because of the way they behave. How can I be mad at 2 kids, especially when their lack of discipline isn’t their fault!? 

I have a bipolar obviously which makes my struggle to deal with normal stress even worse. I’m terrified of them living with us full time because they could send me into a downward spiral, I’d end up in the psych ward and then lose my kids! 

I didn’t realize until that post that I’ve been bottling all of this up. It feels so good to get this off my chest. Where do I go from here? I don’t want to break up. 

TLDR I can’t stand my fiancé’s kids for more that short periods of time. I am afraid of them living with us full time. I already know I’m an awful person. So now… What do I do?

Edit to add: I also mostly gave up drinking! But I’ve noticed longer they are around, the more I drink. *cry*