I have a lot of mental and physical health issues, alongside difficult circumstances.

For so many years, I figuratively buried my head in the sand. I avoided anything that made me anxious, partially because I'd been unintentionally trained to when I was younger.

There were no rewards for doing better, only more pressure.

I fell into smoking weed heavily quite a few years ago. That and video games exacerbated this behaviour. I'd feel anxious and fearful, I'd avoid it, and I'd smoke a joint and play video games - rewarding my brain with heavy dopamine hits for doing so. I got worse.

Over the last few years I've been teaching myself programming.

Thanks to the pandemic, I've stopped smoking weed.

This year, I managed to get into the final year of an honours degree based on my personal work. I was so proud of myself. It went so well at first; I already knew everything.

But the second semester has started and I know fucking nothing. I've been having to study just so I can understand the stuff I have to study.

The programming stuff is actually still ok. It's all straightforward and understandable for me.

But there's so many writing assignments that are part of my final grade, and they make me *so ridiculously anxious*. I've found myself skipping back into bad habits of ignoring them and playing games instead.

When I was learning on my own time, even if I started a course with a timeframe I'd download every video/exercise/whatever the second I started it. It meant if I had a week or two of bad health or got anxious, it was ok. I could do it all in my own time even if I didn't get whatever certificate.

Now, it's important. It's real. It's a lot of work in a short time frame - no matter whats going on with me.

I had COVID last week, and because I'd put off academic reports I was trying to do research during it. I don't remember anything. The report was due on Monday.

I haven't written a single word.

I'm trying so fucking hard, but I'm fucking up.

So today, I contacted my best friend to tell them that, and to ask them to be my accountabilibuddy. My therapist is writing me a letter for my GP for anti-anxiety meds. I wrote 500 words for an assignment that's overdue, because something is better than nothing.

I *know* this fucking shit. I've spend so much time reading about it, studying it. Anxiety has been stopping me from being able to put words on paper.

But even if I barely pass, I'm getting this goddamned degree. I'm going to do my best.

I'm going to try avail of every avenue to help myself.

I'm going to keep trying to find ways to fix my brain pathways and avoid my many, many pitfalls.

I'm so afraid of things that are just... Life.

But I'm going to keep trying.

I just need a bit of help.