For the first part of my (21 f) life, i spent so much time hating myself and confused what was wrong with me, I had no other energy to do anything else. I was bulimic, self-harming and horribly dejected and depressed. Once I went into treatment and got diagnosed with BPD and stopped self-loathing so much I became aware of the world around me. The world, the U.S, all of it, is really messed up as we all know and is becoming more apparent every day. Jeffrey Epstein, the world's biggest pedophile is connected to two US presidents. The richest of the rich who seem like these evil men control everything and everyone else suffers. Anyways I wanted to help people, help make structural change in society. At first, I thought I would be a lawyer and then a public defender for those who can't help themselves -- wrongly convicted of crimes because we live in a racist society that incriminates young black men and yada yada. But I think I'm too mentally ill to make it through law school or do anything like that. Every day is a battle just to get through - not to smoke weed all day and binge and cry and think about suicide. I'm so aware of how fucked up everything is but I'm too fucked up myself to do anything about it. so hopelessness is what I'm feeling.