Fact: He believes that there is a grand conspiracy of people in our community to tap, make weird gestures at him, and torment him in barely noticeable ways. He believes it began when someone spread rumors about him about childhood mental health issues related to OCD and tapping.   


Fact: He's been talking about this since we were first married and he accused me of telling a realtor about his childhood issues. We've been married for over 10 years and have multiple children, it's never gone away, or gotten better.  


Fact: Everyone he's ever talked to about this, including people he's accused of doing it has reassured him that it can't be happening the way he explains it, that people tapping and itching their ear, or playing with jewelry are all just normal behaviors and they can't have anything to do with him.  


Fact: He has a story from when he was a younger adult that sounds almost the same, he ended up having a doctor tell him he was nuts and lost an opportunity over it. He ended up leaving it behind and starting over.  


Fact: He also has anger issues and can be very mean to me and the children, but he's not violent. I have plans in place if he ever becomes violent.   


Fact: He can behave perfectly normal to these people that he believes gossiped about him and are behind his imagined grand conspiracy, but then vehemently say things like, "F\*\*\* them, I hope they F\*\*\* themselves and die." behind their backs. Some of these people are my friends. They know about his beliefs... he's sent them messages, and tried to get them to apologize to him...  they just keep trying to be nice. Everyone knows, everyone cares, but they don't understand and they can't do anything.  


For a long time, I thought it was something like misophonia and he was just really picky about stuff, he is with me too even though he acknowledges I'm just a very fidgety person and I'm not doing it intentionally. It has to be more than that, if it was just misophonia he'd admit he was just sensitive and not build up this crazy conspiracy in his head.   


I tried to get him to see someone years ago, he went twice and they said he should go to group therapy based on whatever he told them, but he didn't. I asked my Dr if we could do anything and he said only if he asks for help himself.   


He knows that I think he's nuts, but it just makes him mad,  so I try to not talk about it with him, or just zone out while he rants about it if I don't have the energy to deal with it.   


I've got this going on with him, but I'm not even all there myself. I've always been a misfit, I probably have ADHD or something... I got treated pretty badly socially when I was younger... and I have some trauma that I've emotionally suppressed. I've just managed to hold things together because I'm intellectually gifted. But I never did finish university, and I stayed home with my kids so I have almost no backup plan if he completely cracks and stops working, and runs away.   


I do have a bit of a backup plan in that a few years ago I started trying to complete a degree part-time and I'm almost done. I've been talking about taking on part-time work when I'm done, so when I have that at least I'll have a backup plan if he goes off the rails. I don't think he will though, he's been unstably stable for over 10 years... but I've read about stuff that happens.  


The difficult part is that I love him, and the kids love him... it's mental illness, not violence or unfaithfulness, so I don't want to leave him or have him leave us... I just want him to be better.  I want him to understand what he's put me through and apologize. I've never trusted people, but this mental illness is like a big ugly secret that makes it even harder. I feel so alone and angry and hopeless... but I just keep moving forward, living my life and trying to hold myself together. This is me venting.