Recently my fp who was also my boyfriend fell out of love with me. I was in a poly relationship with him and our gf (and holy shit bpd and poly were a nightmare). i loved and adored them both but my bpd completely exhausted and drove them away. I tried to warn them and stuff and they said things would be fine, they'd never leave me, they'd love me through everything and hold me in my bpd breakdowns because abandonment is such a big thing in my life. I have the worst seperation anxiety and my dependency disorder makes me like a scared clingy child. They said things would be okay and rhey would take good care of me. 

My bf said he fell out of love with me and before this he started growing colder towards me. I could tell... all my nightmares came true basically. Like. Actually. I would have nightmares and wake up at night scared and crying thinking that he and our gf would just toss me aside because my issues were too much. Or just completely give up on me. They eventually did. I had to move back home from across many states and I can't talk to my family about it for many reasons. My bpd and ptsd also stems from a good portion of my fam anyways so I'm back in a frustrating and unhealthy environment. Not that the environment with them was going well... for some reason my bf never gave ultimatums abojt breakdowns and shit to our gf and always blamed me for triggering their mental issues... never once did he talk to them about how they triggered mine. But I just sucked it up and tried to push through. It was always my fault, I did everythinf wrong, I needed to change for better now or go home. 

I have nightmares every night about them now. Every single night I wake up from dreams where they are being mean and rubbing it in mt face that I had to leave amd can't he with them anymkre. How much they hate me and how awful my bpd is and how they are so much better off without me. Or seeing them being with other people and just not even caring about me at all... all these things and similar stuff. I'm having multiple panic attacks a day now and I'm taking my anxiety meds so frequently because I'm always freaking out or on the verge of a breakdown. I can't talk to anyone who knows them or are friends with them because the pain is so fucking unbearable. I can barely talk to my therapist about it because it hurts. I have been age regressing for a few years to cope and now I basically have nearly split and shove that side down rather than deal with the emotions because I can't. A whole new side has shown up that basically takes care of the regressed side while I just dissociate and try to not lay down and just die. 

Does anyone else with bpd have mind splits? I really need support and advice... the family members I'm close to don't even know I have bpd despite having it diagnosed for years and so they don't even have a sense of the turmoil happening in me. They don't realize when I breakdown everyone including myself can be hurt (and I don't just mean emotionally). So I isolate to protect everyone. I'm isolating to protect myself from their questions. They are all frustrating and annoying me. Idk if I'm happy being so isolated from everyone cause when I was with my partners I needed them 24/7 it felt like. But here at home I feel so much better being away from everyone. It's like I'm a completelt different person again. 

Who am I? Someone please help. Am I crazy?? I know I am, but is this all a bpd thing? Does anyone else experience anything similar? I've never spoken to anyonr else with bpd besides my (I guess now ex) gf and their's was a lot different than mine. Though my therapist said it didn't sound like they had bpd. Idk... Idk anymore. I'm so lost and in pain.