Little disclaimer: If this is against the rules or you guys feel like it’s cramping your space I completely understand! So feel free to remove it. I also understand no one can diagnose me and I can’t diagnose myself. But I want to take steps in getting help because I do think there is some sort of mental illness affecting me. I figured talking to people directly who know what they’re dealing with, might give me a little confidence when I talk to my doctors. I’m also in my late teens, and I’ve heard diagnosis process for anything past depression is a little hard.

Not to get into the details too much. But recently I’ve been romantically involved with someone and it’s making my behavioral patterns really apparent.

To give background Ive had on and off feelings for this person throughout our entire span of knowing eachother. It’s off and on with me. I’ll decide I’m so deeply invested in him and us together and then within a short span of time I wholeheartedly think the opposite. I either feel disgusting or feel nothing for him when this happens. And since our feelings are out in the open now that problem has significantly worsened. 

I go through periods of intensely needing to be around them and wanting their presence and wanting them romantically, almost down right obsessively. and then within the hour, day, or week, it could flip to me being absolutely disgusted, or not feeling for them at all. A flip like this happened while we were actually together. And it got to the point I faked movie plans with other friends to get them to leave early. I mean down to getting ready for said movie infront of them. I was truly committed to this lie I was frantically going through clothes and just anything to make it look like I was getting ready. 

It could be the chase. Or I could actually feel like that. The fact I don’t know really scares me because it’s seeming like I don’t know myself. 
This doesn’t just go for romantic situations,  although I struggle with affection (have since I was a kid) I don’t think this is strictly a romantic issue. I’ve felt like I’ve had this emotional switch with a lot of aspects of my life. If I get worked up over soemthing, there will always be a period following where I think I “don’t care” weather that’s true or not I don’t know. It gets really overwhelming to try and figure out which feeling is actually real. I go through spouts of apathy and carelessness and it’s getting anhedonic at this point.

Someone recently when I was explaining this had told me to look into BPD, and I’ve never really thought to do that. I would usually think if I had anything it could be bipolar. But the more I read from peoples personal accounts and just about it I do find myself relating to it. I related pretty heavily to a post on here stating that they love hearing things about themselves. And I have a running joke that “I love hearing things about myself that are true” and that is true I do. But I guess I never really thought deeply about ehy that is. I thought I had a pretty firm grasp on who I am but lately that is unraveling, as I feel like I’m only saying that to stick to a certain perception of myself.

Again I know I cannot diagnose myself and if this isn’t allowed please take it down. I don’t want to sound like a chronic online with no grasp on reality. Thank you for your time reading this .