Been hiding my depression with weed. I hate myself and I treated my ex-gf bad in the past. She dumped me. I am weed free for a month, girlfriend free, and feel terrible. I do therapy but it’s called Gestalt. Been doing it for 2 years now. It certainly helps. However I cannot stop hating myself and regretting who I have been and all the mistakes I have done. Instead of self growing, this thoughts bring me even lower. 

I feel i am still 17yo and that have not matured. I am ashamed of myself.

i know the issue is self love and that i have child issues that make me believe that i am a bad person, but the recent past just makes me reinforce those ideas aboutare true. 

my mom says i should maybe get antidepressants but i dont want to change weed for some other drug.

i am unstable. the people i manage say that. my manager says that. my x-gf says that. my mom says that. my friends say that and I say and believe that. I am trying to stay weed free for 6 months to see if something can be changed. I am trying to have good diet, good sleep, be social and make sport. I try to be stable in my work so that i can regain the trust of my co workers. the thing that weighs me the most tho is that i keep punishing myself for screwing the relationship i had with the woman of my life. not a day goes by that i dont cry for losing her. the relationship became toxic and we both decided to end it, but i keep punishing myself. i have an obsessive and compulsive personality. and i obsess with the fact that i failed in the relationship and that it ended because of me.