The past few days I just can't get my mind off of it. I haven't slept, I can't think straight so I'm sorry if my writing is very confusing.

I think my past 'relationships' (quotes because only one was an actual relationship) really fucked me up and I don't know how to fix myself. I guess I just want to ask if this is okay, if my feelings are valid or if I need to see it from a different perspective.
The only real relationship I had before was when I was 18. I met a man online, he was 29. We ended up sort of dating online for a long time and then I went to see him for a while. At the time it seemed normal but now I've been out of this situation for a few years I feel sickened by it.
I may have been legally an adult but having BPD, aspergers and age regression I don't feel like I'm really mature now, let alone when I had just turned 18. He was a grown man, what business did he have with me? Back then it made me feel special and real but looking from the outside I feel like it was kind of wrong.. And I can't stop feeling dirty and taken advantage of. It makes me feel sick the things I did with/for him.

The thing I think that gets me the most is that I've had serious mental health problems since I was 14. I got taken out of education to be in hospital and never went back. All of my school friends stopped speaking to/hanging out with me and I never really made more. From 15 I was a lonely, lost, severely mentally ill girl who had rock bottom self esteem and not a friend in the world. Between then and 18, three different men who were old enough to know better (26, 28, 29) came into my life and I feel took advantage of my loneliness and insecurity. I look back on the fact that I lost my virginity to a man nearly 10 years older than me in a dark cold forest, drunk and confused because I couldn't say no and it makes me want to die. Each of these men I thought would be my hero and they just hurt me and took from me and used me.

I'm fortunately in a much better place mentally now but still this part of my life haunts me and I regularly have days like the last few where I can't get it out of my head and feel so lost and worthless.. I don't know how to describe it. I just don't know what to do. I want to get over this.