Trigger warning for suicidal content.


I've been thinking about wanting to die so much lately. I'm struggling to stay focused in school. I'm struggling to stay focused at my job. I can't focus on anything properly. At night, my mind is keeping me awake and racing with so many thought that I cannot sleep until it's already morning and I hear birds chirping outside. 

I am currently dealing with a loss of a friend whom I had a very complicated relationship with. They ended up inflicting a lot of deep psychological pain in me that has made me lose my self-esteem and self worth. I was disrespected, used, and toyed with when it came to my feelings and emotions.

I also don't believe in my Islamic faith for a number of reasons. I told my parents that I'm questioning it. They responded by saying I'm better off dead than be a disbeliever. They also said they only love me as long as I practice their faith and that they will disown me without hesitation. I've been told by my parents that I'm responsible for contaminating the future generations of my family if I leave and that I am ruining family's honor. This in turn is also causing a lot of problems in me being able to find a partner.

Even if I do get better through psychiatrist or therapist, there's no way I can happily marry my partner. Islam doesn't allow me as a woman to marry anyone outside of my faith even though a man could marry Christian or Jewish women. If I marry someone outside of my faith, my parents told me that they have no place in their heart for me. I could never live happy with a Muslim man and I know that. 

I'm stuck with the idea that maybe if I just end myself, I won't have to worry about me never finding healthy relationships or be forced to choose between my own happiness and my family. I wouldn't have to worry about losing the only family I have if I just ended myself. I wouldn't have to worry about ruining my family's honor or contaminating the future generations of children if I just don't exist anymore.