I stopped drinking about a month ago. Even before that, I had become very isolated and lonely. Now that I can look at things with a little clarity, I'm afraid of what I'm seeing. I'm afraid that all of these desperate, shallow relationships are evidence that I will never have a real connection with someone. I'm afraid that I won't feel real love, because how can I know that that's what it is and not just me taking what I can get and running with it because I'm afraid of being alone...

When I think on my more serious relationships, I can't figure out if I even was really in love with them or if I just needed someone, anyone there. I think about it and we didn't have much in common, we didn't really have the same goals... I was just whatever I thought they wanted, so how can I ever have something real? How will I know it's real?

I am trying not to date for a while, to just deal with the loneliness, but even now I worry that I will never be at a place where a relationship will feel real to me. The one thing I want the most-real, honest human connection- is out of my grasp and it's killing me inside.