Over the last few months my mental state has turned to shambles. I really thought I had everything under control all the time and I always thought it won't last long, but my 'state' just won't go away and I just end up hurting the ones I love.
Depression, anxiety and bpd are a package deal when it comes to me. Lately my mental health has taken a turn for the worst. There was actually a time when I was feeling confident and stable and like I had everything under control and that I'm finally a decent functioning human. I know it's bad, but I just don't want to do anything about it, I wish I could just wake up once day and be okay. I get very devensive when my SO suggests that I should probably go back to therapy. I mean, I know he's right, I really should go back to therapy but I really don't want to. I feel like I'd rather jump in front of a moving train than go back to therapy.
I'm really hard on myself and I feel like 'it's not that bad' and that I don't deserve help because people have it much worse. I feel like I should just let it be even though it's eating me alive. 
I've had 4 therapists so far and I ghosted all of them. The last one was actually great and I enjoyed my sessions with her and I always felt like she gets me.
But idk, I just dread the idea of going back there.
I have difficulties accepting the fact that I am mentally ill and that I need help. I hate showing vulnerability, I hate asking for help, I hate accepting help from others. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and no longer be a burden for my SO and family.
I've been withdrawing from everything social. I no longer speak to my only friend, I no longer want to meet people, let alone hang out with anyone besides my SO and family. I am mean, I get so angry at everything and everyone, but especially at myself.
I've lost all motivation to do things, I don't want to do anything especially if it involves people or leaving the house. I no longer feel desire to eat or to take care of myself.
I've been really low, I feel like I am a burden to everyone and I feel so ashamed and guilty for being like this and I feel like I can no longer control my emotions and my behavior. But what makes me feel really guilty is that I'm hurting my SO. He's always been supportive, patient and understanding and he shouldn't have to deal with someone as broken as I am. I feel like such a terrible girlfriend and human being because of that way that I am feeling and acting.
I want to be better for him and I know I should probably just go back to therapy, but I can't get myself to accept that. I don't want to "have" to go back there, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to talk about it and I hate feeling like I need help from others. I hate showing weakness and being vulnerable and talk about what I'm feeling.
I just feel so unworthy and I don't really want to be here anymore. I wish I could sleep it out, but then again I have trouble staying asleep, lol. The joys of being mentally ill.
Any feedback would be appreciated, thank you and sorry for dumping this here.