I had my first manic episode like... 2 months ago? Except it built up for a while, so 3 months ago? 2-3 months ago.

When it was over and I could actually get out of bed, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and was put on Lamotrigine (Lamictal). Soon after I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 by a psychologist.

The first time I took it and went to school, as soon as I walked in the door I became extremely agitated, the lights hurt my eyes to point where I could barely look up without squinting, and I had some... very  graphic thoughts about stabbing myself with a pencil so I wouldn't have to see the goddamn lights.

It's not _better_ now, exactly- most of time I don't feel depressed or sad or anything. I can smile. I can laugh at jokes. But I feel... empty. Like hollowed out, but not necessarily depressed. And those are the good days.

I told my doctor all this on our last visit- without the gory details- and I got "Well we'll keep increasing your dose...", and to be fair once I increased it to 100mg I did feel better for a few days. Still a little  hollow, but better. More normal.

Now I'm 9 days on 100mg, and I'm noticing mood swings. Not like rapid cycling mood swings, it feels more like it comes in waves. Like /\/\, waves. Depression waves.

The highest I feel is normal-ish but kinda empty. Then it's empty in a depressed way, sometimes sad. The lowest is totally numb and very depressed. Occasionally suicidal (like "I'm gonna do it" not "I want to but idk"), but for a very short amount of time- and once that passes I don't feel nearly as bad.

I don't really know at which point I want to start hurting myself. At some point I did, and immediately felt this release, like exhaling after holding my breath for too long. I was drained, but felt so much lighter. Like a weight was lifted off my chest. I was at school so it's not super bad. More like scratches. It was just building up so much and I felt like I needed to get it out- so I did.

It's just that... I've had two major depressive episodes (one at 13, one at 16, and now a manic episode at 19- maybe a small one at 15, but the years in between weren't as extreme) and the pattern is more or less the same. 

Around December-January I start to feel less motivated, which eventually leads into a major depression, which then leads to irritable mood swings, which quickly spirals into massive fucking rage and graphically violent thoughts that I somehow kept a lid on, short of a few impulsive outbursts.

And it's fucking with me a bit because usually I'd feel normal by now- euthymic I guess. I'd be regretting the things I said, did, and thought, and scolding myself for falling behind on schoolwork like I was an addict who fell off the wagon. I'd be saying, "Gee, that sucked. I'm never doing that again". 

It's naïve, I know, but the first time it happened I was only 13. I thought that because I woke one day and didn't hate the sun for being in the sky that I just _decided_ to be a person again and start caring about school. When I was 16 I got so angry at myself and told myself I couldn't let it happen again. My grandmother said I could be bipolar then, and after googling it I hesitantly agreed that maybe it was bipolar 2 before going "Nah, I'm good now."

Now I feel kinda stupid. Like I impulsively tried to off myself and a week later I was good. What the hell past me??

Basically my take away is this- idk. Now most of the time I don't even know what emotion I'm feeling, and I sure as hell don't know what to do about it. It feels like I'm just going with things because I'm supposed to.