Without getting into details, I've had "issues" my entire life. I started seeking answers in my early 20's, got serious about figuring things out in my mid 30's, and now in my 41st year, I'm finally putting the puzzle together. 

I'm coming to terms with a thing that I really don't want to face. I'll be damned if it didn't take a bit of inspiration from Rick and Morty to help me realize a thing: 

&gt;I have no doubt you would be bored senseless by therapy. The same way i’m bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is: it's not an adventure. There’s no way to do it so wrong you might die. It’s just work. And the bottom line is: some people are okay going to work and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.

I don't like boring things. Boring people, boring places, boring ideas... are all just so boring. In the past, I'd have said my 'visionary' qualities elevate me above the masses, but nah, lofty ideals aren't worth much when I can't even force myself to clean my own damned house, or for that matter, do some housekeeping of the mind.

I thought finding the answers was going to be enough. How I failed to recognize the work requirement is beyond me, though conceptually it's not hard to grasp that it takes more than just buying a math book to understand how to math. 

There was, and still is, a certain appeal to the "Look at me curing myself, I guess I'm a good person after all" story that is starting to come together for me, but underneath that, I've actually got to start doing the work required to truly heal. 

There's a really big point of contention surrounding the advice that sometimes we just have to get up and start doing things to get better. I recognize that this is not always good advice; it's only applicable to me now that I'm ready to move forward, but I really do have to get off my ass. I think I'm choosing to be lazy because the work I need to do is boring and mentally ill me would rather stew in her own filth than do something boring. I can, and I have to start my new life, or maybe I never will.

I just... don't want to.  