I (21f) have always struggled to fit in and I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. 

I am distance learning for uni and have a job in the field I want to work in. But I have no meaningful connections apart from my immediate family, and they struggle being around me (they've said so as kindly as possible). 

Its not like I'm a recluse. I volunteer once a week, go to a sports club and have a job. All in a desperate attempt to make some friends. But I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not a malicious person, I try really hard to be respectful of people and to be thoughtful in my speech. But I always end up either completely embarrassing myself or just annoying people. I'm under no illusion that I'm not the problem, I don't dislike any of the people I know. I'm lucky to know a lot of good people, but I don't know how to communicate with them. 

I had a few people in high-school, it was superficial and we weren't very close. But I had no problems with bullying or anything. People just left me to it.

I think it started when I was very young. My mother had post natal depression and we didn't ever bond. She was then an abusive alcoholic until last year when she managed to quit drinking. Because of the stress of this, I guess I didn't want to socialise as a young child or something. 

Regardless, I keep getting more and more anxious about being friendless. I'm lonely and have been for a long time. It's seriously affecting my quality of life and while I go to work and study and volunteer and do everything that's expected of me, I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I'm having panic attacks daily and they're just getting worse. I'm hiding this from everyone I know because I don't have any friends to confide in and it's not appropriate to burden colleagues/aquantences with this. Because of my friendlessness, when this has happened before I've overshared with people i don't know well (eg collegues) in a cry for help which causes me intense shame and embarrassment which makes my anxiety worse. I don't really know how to fix it. I don't even know what part of my personality os pushing people away. Any advice?