I guess this is venting, and I'm talking about my friendship breakdown.

Basically I was feeling that my friend didn't want to hang out, so I asked them, because I'm not trying to force friendship on anyone. My friend said that they don't connect with me in the same way as their other friends, and they want to not be friends. We see each other 3 times a week at sports and carpool together usually. We've known each other a year and a half. They want to be like acquaintances, or sports buddies. They basically suggested that we're "just" training partners and that otherwise hanging out or being friends outside of training, they just don't feel it.

So, logically, that's fine. Like, I should be okay with that. But, the thing is, I'm really angry about it, because I feel very rejected. I tried to tell them why I feel angry, that I'm not going to be their friend in one context and not the other, and that they're either my friend or they're not, because I find it unacceptable otherwise. Which, I shouldn't, because that's just their boundaries, but I really wouldn't be able to handle that. I either want to not be their friend at all, or be their \*friend\*.

And I don't think they took my expression of my feelings very well. I think they think I'm being dramatic. Which I am. But, I'm trying to talk about it. I'm not diagnosed with BPD, I don't want to go see a psych, but I suffer from the symptom that I really overreact when I feel small, tiny, little bits of rejection. At least I think people here will understand.

Like, we've seen each other for the past year and a half, three times a week, my mistake if I thought we were friends or something. This is what I feel mad about. And then I also feel a big loss. I viewed her as my friend, but she didn't view me as a friend. So I'm also mad about her lack of investment - but that's me projecting a little as well, because I don't invest in people for some time, because things like this happen, I don't want to be rejected. But, then if I don't invest they don't feel a 'connection' and so when I do want to be friends, I get rejected anyway. I just really can't win. I'm going to have to experience some form of really intense emotion with other people, and it makes me really want to avoid people more every time I have a relationship meltdown.

So, I dealt with this pretty poorly, I was just ruminating on it, trying not to but doing it anyway. I was so emotional, I couldn't seem to meditate, couldn't suppress it, it was really overwhelming. And I just felt so angry, like I wanted to physically break stuff, and scream. But, I'm renting with furniture, so I'm not going to break that. And I wanted to respect the peace of the people living nearby. So, here's the self-harm part: &gt;!So, I punched the floor until I thought I shouldn't continue, due to the amount of pain in my fists, and then with slightly grown nails I just really aggressively scratched by own thigh until the pain was enough that I felt better. And then my really intense anger subsided and the throb of pain was very relaxing. And then I got very sad and I sobbed for like 10 minutes. And I got the emotions out of my system !&lt;and an hour later, here I am, writing this post.

I know that I have been having an emotional overreaction. But, is it normal to know someone for a year and a half and they just treat your friendship like its worthless? I find it hard to let go of people. And I really don't want my intense emotional reactions to be observed by my ex-friend, because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable. But, I really can't handle just being their sports buddy, like I'm going to have to freeze them out and have 0 rapport with them, otherwise it's really just too painful for me, which sucks.