
I know how I want to spend my time and I know who I want to be. I also know the steps I need to take to get there, I just can’t do it. Doing the things I know will make me happy and proud seems to draining and difficult. 

I want to read more, learn more about history, learn another language, etc. I know how I want to treat myself and my body. I just can’t do it. It is so frustrating. It feels like I don’t have the energy or the time even though I have literally nothing going on. 

I’ve been out of college since september for a second spinal fusion. I’ve had chronic pain since 2016. I was an outstanding student until that year. I loved learning (I still do) and I was on top of doing it (I am not now). Since 2016, I’ve dropped out of school, failed classes, withdrew from classes, lied, and cheated. Im nervous to start school again in a couple of weeks. I can’t imagine doing any type of work. 

I can’t even sit down and start a drawing. No matter how much I want to draw, I can’t do it. If I do manage to sit down with my sketchbook, all I can think of is my pain. Once I start acknowledging what my body is feeling, everything goes downhill. Every other issue I have in my life comes flooding in and then i’m in my room sobbing instead of drawing as i intended. 

I’m going to speak with my therapist about this tomorrow, but I just really needed to get this off my chest. It would be great to know if anyone else is dealing with this too.