I recently found out that I have BPD. I am not diagnosed, but this sub's struggles have really hit me and made me realize what has been wrong with me all this time. This is likely not time for this realization though. I just recovered from Cushing's Disease which is a rare disease that causes you to be in constant stress. I gained 100 lbs before I had my surgery and every day before then was filled with darkness and pain.  Surgery isn't the end all recovery for this and it took me a half year or so to be off the steriods. This is a disease that people wouldn't wish on their worst enemy. It changes you into something you no longer recognize. My face from Cushing's became a stranger, I couldn't stand to glimpse myself in any reflection, not that I liked to in the first place... After this I suffered my first loss and first pregnancy. Unfortunately, I found out during my ultrasound. Soon after that, the only other friend I had besides my husband died. It has been a tough year.

I hoped that my recovery, would cure this emotional torrent inside myself, but that didn't happen. My dad once told me "Your mind is in a constant state of chaos". That really resonated with me. For someone that likes to be in control, I can't control my emotions. I have felt so empty for so long and when I am not, I am swept up by the waves of my mind. I try to distract and numb myself, but I am simply a rider on this roller coaster. My emotions hit me before my logic. The intense rage I feel and the intense sadness, drives me insane. I never feel intense happiness, which I find cruel.

The catalyst to this post is my husband quit tobacco a week ago and yesterday he was unnecessarily very hurtful. He apologized last night and I just can't let it go. I was sobbing all day at work and that night. My whole body felt torn apart. My only friend, I must be really something for me to be so unwanted. I am ashamed to say that I slipped into old habits and hurt myself. I am afraid for him to find out as he is very vocal that he doesn't agree with it nor understand what would possess someone to. At the time, physical pain seemed much better than the hurt in my soul. I felt like I was drowning and needed a tether. He doesn't understand what he put me through and why I can't move past it since he is dealing with withdrawals. I get it and I am certainly not perfect, but the things he said were about BPD symptoms. Those are his main complaints about me... I used to tell people that I am just temperamental. I tried to breach this subject to him, but he has prejudgments and said that I was just getting healthy. That made me feel like a broken doll in a thrift store. I can't talk to anyone and sometimes I feel like it would be better to just disappear. He says he doesn't want me to, but if I cause this much pain, how can I possibly ever be the individual I dreamed to be? Someone that is caring and not callous, someone that can support my husband through this hard time not add to it. He went to bed stating that he may start dipping again because of this. 

In childhood, my family left me alone and I lived daily in loneliness. I would be in my room all day and night, they wouldn't care. I felt like a piece of furniture in their life. They wanted me there, but didn't want to hear me or see me. I feel like that way now, a broken chair that people consider and say out loud "It would be perfect if it wasn't so broken, what a shame". 

I don't know if there is a point to the post, but I would happily accept suggestions to quit me from scarring my body. I am not interested in looking for professional help. My disease made me certain of that. I had doctor's tell me that "I wasn't that fat" and "Your levels aren't that abnormal, it needs to be triple this". Basically I had to have one foot in the grave to be considered worthy of help to most doctors since that is what Cushing's causes eventually. 

TLDR: Venting about the chaos in my mind and life. Any suggestions on coping with intense depression and thoughts would be very helpful!