I have to finally accept that the intrusive thoughts of suicide and self-harm will probably never go away. I cannot remember a time before being consumed by self loathing and it has had terrible effects on my personal relationships. I have destroyed my marriage through my stubborn refusal to learn to cope with this mindset rather than try to defeat or life hack it away. Counseling has been helpful for understanding these feelings, but it does not eliminate them. I'm on so much anti-depressant medication that I'm left drowsy and almost sedated throughout the day. But if I delay taking the meds I end up in paralyzing anxiety and tend towards very unpleasant behavior which makes me feel worse. At least medication helps take the edge off. My sense of obligation and guilt towards my spouse and kids keeps me moving through the day, but it's so difficult. I do not want to wake up tomorrow and I do not want to kill myself either, but it feels like these mental intrusions will never stop and I am scared that one day I will just give up this battle. I just want anything to make me feel alive again. I am empty, a zombie, just going through the daily functions until I get the chance to sleep again. I'm only in my 40s but I don't want to see 50 if it's going to be like this forever. I'm just done.