my anxiety makes everything so much deeper than it actually is. i can't do anything, even simple bodily functions like breathing or eating or going to the bathroom become nightmarish. there's always a constant feeling of doom, no matter how well my day's supposed to be going. i'm afraid to live and afraid to die. everything's either too dull or too much and i'm not sure how to fix it. i can't trust therapists, meds are scary and stuff like sleeping more or meditating doesn't fix anything.

the only time where i'm even the slightest bit at peace is when i'm sleeping. even then, getting to the part where i'm actually asleep is terrifying because i'm scared of the dark. i'm scared of everything, and when there's nothing to be scared of my mind makes something up to terrorize and drain me. right now i'm having terrible digestive problems because of my constant fear, i hear crashing and water droplets and footsteps and i see ants that disappear and reappear, and my curtains are moving on their own. it's like my brain's deteriorated to the point where i can't process positive emotions. it's just paranoia, physical issues, daily panic attacks and fear. it's just fear all over my body and my mind. and that only makes me worse, because the fear deteriorates my brain and my body which leads to even more fear and i can't escape. it's like there's something tugging at me, or it's like i've been cursed. i'm trapped in my own mind, it's like i've ceased to exist and now i'm on autopilot.

there's no way out. it won't get better and i can't die because i'm scared of what happens after. if there's a hell, i'm going to hell and it's going to get worse. if it's nothing then i'm gonna be scared because i hate the dark and i like living. i like pizza and i like long car rides and the sun and my friends, and i like listening to music and existing. there's short intervals of time where i'm distracted and doing ok-ish, but there's always a feeling of impending doom and fear looming. there's always a problem somewhere, and no matter how small it may actually be the effect it has on me is catastrophic. i can't even accept help. so many people have reached out trying to help me, but the fear drains me so much that i can't reach out to them back. i have so many notifications from friends and strangers trying to help, and i want help, but i'm always so tired and even just moving my fingers to text back feels like an olympic feat. i just want to go back to when i could exist without feeling like everything and everyone is against me. i love living but it doesn't love me back, and there's so many things i like but they're always overshadowed by fear, and brain fog and sometimes i feel like i can't even see. i have an ok diet, and i exercise and i sleep relatively well. i have friends and people who love me but i feel like i can't even like them back because i'm always afraid. i've lost my best friend because i'm just unable to respond his messages anymore. i'm afraid, i get a message and then obsess about how i'm going to respond, tire myself out and then procrastinate. and then i have a panic attack over something stupid, that lasts an hour, and then it takes me even longer to recover. and then once i actually get to respond he's hurt because he thinks i'm ignoring him on purpose. i've already lost all sense of routine and normality in my life, all i want is to exist without having everything tick me and send me into spirals of drowning panic. 

i was happy before. sure i was already scared, and dealing with a lot of mental issues but i had access to moments of peace before. this all happened literally overnight. i had a bad panic attack before bed, woke up the next day and everything either was too scary, too dull, too real or not real at all. i've gotten better with the dissociating but i'm still scared.