To anyone on the journey to a post depression/anxiety life. Does anyone have any things they do to help them feel better.

 I'm a 21 years old college student and Ive been an anxious insecure shy  depressed kid my whole life, constantly suffering from panic attacks,  paranoid, intrusive and sometimes suicidal thoughts. The only reason i  haven't done it is because part of me has hope in a bright future, But  sometimes not. I do what most of us do when we feel like this i drink,  smoke weed, party, masturbate. Now i do not have a drinking problem or  an addict, i do not use it as an escape i drink socially, i do smoke a  lot of weed and party but only on the weekends. After i completed all my  school work and responsibilities. I refuse to go to therapy because all  they do is try to get me on anti- depressants which only gets rid of  the symptoms not the root issue which is in my subconscious, which is  why i am on a mission to reprogram my subconscious mind into a positive  optimistic mind that wakes up every morning full of confidence,  fearlessness, and courage. Things i have struggled with my whole life. I  started micro dosing shrooms, and i have felt a little bit better and a  little less stressed but not completely which i expected because i was  conscious that this was not going to be an overnight magic miracle cure  to my problems. I have been looking into mediation, affirmations, and  mental reprogramming. so does anyone have any specific meditations that  could help or a technique anyone uses. AS well as books does anyone have  any books, movies, writers, youtube channels, or anything at all that  helps you guys . Ive looked for some on my own but i  hope the lovely ppl of reddit can give me any recommendations