I hate that I feel the need to impulsively lie or disobey just to feel the thrill of it. When I’m not lying to my loved one’s faces about my emotions or my wrongdoings it feels like I’m guilty of being shallow and transparent.

For example, my dad doesn’t want me doing any type of drug in his house (my go-to is weed, sometimes alcohol but not really, and I use tobacco religiously) and I could understand the weed and alc, but tobacco? The only person that is affecting is me, since I keep it under wraps and away from their prying eyes. As a 19 yo I think I have the right to do what I want as long as it’s within the realm of logical moderation, and I’m willing to give up everything else but have a problem with tobacco, just can’t get rid of it. So I’ve taken to lying to them about it, saying I’ve been completely sober off of everything since they found out and being incredibly sneaky and sidehanded about everything I do, whether it be allowed or not. 

Im drunk right now, mainly because yesterday my dad talked shit on me in front of my only friend and made me look like I cared more about smoking than about him (basically threw him under the bus saying I blamed my habits on my friend which is false, I blame them on myself) and I went to my room and in a blind rage sliced at my wrist multiple times. But now that they know I can’t be trusted with myself they’re cracking down even harder on me, and I took to sneaking alcohol out of their stash instead of cutting.

Point being, I just hate that I can’t be collected without having an underlying factor that makes me feel in control, something I can hide from everyone like self harm or smoking or alcohol.