I would like to clarify that I know intentionally making people mad is not a morally good thing to do, and I am well aware that it makes people dislike you making you more miserable. What I am attempting to describe is a desire to make people dislike you, to make people mad so they last out at you as a sort of punishment for your actions. I often feel like I am being a negative person who is actively hurting others lives yet I am not getting punished like I should be. As a result I attempt to infuriate my friends or family so that I can receive the punishment I deserve. Regardless of how esoteric the concept of morally is it allows me to feel that morality is at least a functioning system that punishes those who are commiting evil acts. If I do it enough people may even avoid me depressing my mood further and allowing me to better commit to my suicidal ideology. I would like to reiterate I know this is hurting me and I don't actively try to do it, it's more something I do subconsciously. I am mostly making this post to see if anyone else has these contradictory and self destructive tendencies and I am struggling constantly to maintain my relationships because of this habit.