I would like to preface this by saying that idek what exactly I'm feeling/is going on, so I really don't know how to describe it either. Please bear with me. Also I have not been officially diagnosed BPD by my doctor, as I've yet to go see him, but my mom (who's in her masters program for psychology and clinical counseling), her professor (who anonymously reviewed a case study my mom did on me), and myself see that I fit the description. My work book I'm going through says the same based off of the assessment, so at this point I assume I am, but I don't know if it's right to say that I am until I get officially diagnosed. 

Anywho 

I'm struggling with my current fp. By struggling I mean that I am so attached to her that I'm having dreams about her Not even a 2 months ago, me and her decided it be best we just be friends, and it was a concious decision I made prior to finding out she had no romantic interest in me. 

See I've had multiple fp's in my life from as far back as I can remember. I've heard that bpd was a adult thing, but I've been dealing with the same symptoms since grade school. I'm in my early 20's now and I can vividly remember every fp I've ever had. Those early days were the worst, where I was hopelessly obsessed to the degree of manipulation, stalking their social media, and fighting people that would get between us. I would lash out when I felt rejected and then beg them back. Yunno, the whole I hate you, please don't leave thing. I didn't really get better until after I graduated where I really got sick of being manipulated by my emotions and giving these people so much control over me. There was an internal switch that made me want to change, but of course change didn't happen over night. 

I'm happy to say I am miles better after fighting my mental health through counseling, meds, and etc, but I am still very messed up. This brings me to my current fp. When I first met her I already knew I was gonna get hooked and I fought the feelings as hard as I could. One day I'd talk to her, the next I pretended she didn't exist. I didn't want to be attached and have to deal with the whole emotional rollercoaster and drama it brings. Eventually I got too close and the claws of my mind latched on like a master lock and I was hooked.

Eventually I told her how I felt, that's when we decided to be friends. This actually made things worse because it gave me just enough contact with her to retain the connection, but not enough to feel satisfied. I would get angry with her because she wasn't treating me the way I thought she should. I've spoken to her a couple times about it and she always assures me that she wants to be my friend. That there is nothing to worry about, but I feel completely different. 

Part of it is self esteem issues where I feel worthless, but part of it is that I don't even know if my mind is right or not. Like is she really treating me bad or do I have unrealistic expectations. I've tried to rationally think about it and I think this is an unhealthy relationship for me. I'm tired of worrying about if she's with another guy, even though I don't want to date her. I'm tired of wondering does she dislike me, or trying to connect with her, and dreaming about her and all this crap that goes along with it. The emotional rollercoaster of caring about her but at the same time wanting to unleash my verbal rage on her at any moment. 

Like I feel like the whole world just shits on me and that no one really likes me. Like I really want to have a close connection with someone but I don't have any. No one is as close as I want them to be and I wonder is it a me issue. Even my best friend who is very supportive doesn't really go as deep as I'd like it. So I feel very alone and abandoned by the world. Like I crave intimacy like a drug but I can't find it anywhere and whenever I feel rejected I get irate and consumed with pain and rage. 

So I think it'd just be better off to cut her off. I don't want to hurt her if she is genuinely trying to be my friend, but it's driving me crazy. I don't feel like I'm in a good enough headspace to make a decision, because last night I basically called her every unholy name I could think of in my journal. Yet, I still care about her. But I'm angry.

I'm also scared to cut things off because I know I'm gonna want the freindship back, even though it sucks I guess. This all sucks and what do y'all think about this and what should I do? Also how does one have a healthy relationship with intimacy? Like it feels like an unattainable dream at this point.