I wish I could explain how serious I am about this. Guilt is the only reason I'm still alive and I swear, I freaking hate it so much. I hate my family so much for it. I have to suffer every single day in absolut horror, just so they won’t feel pain. I hate them all so much for it. God, I am so sick of this life. This isn't coming from someone who is just having a bad depressive episode, this is coming from someone who has been living with mental illness almost their entire life. It's been eleven years since I've first had the real wish to go and over the course of that decade, nothing changed. I've cut loose all toxic people in my life, I've stopped always judging and hating myself, I've become comfortable in my body and I eat healthy and exercise. I even go out and have fun and I'm looking for a job that I actually like. At the end of the day, no matter my wish to go never goes away. Never. A whole freaking decade and I still can't find any liking to life. But here I am,  literally on the edge with guilt being the only thread to stop me from jumping off. All those images of my sister crying while their kids don't understand why mommy doesn't wanna play with them anymore or my brother who keeps trying to get out off addiction and depression spiraling back and becoming a wreck. I swear to god, those god damn images haunt me so much and I hate it. I really hate it. I just don't like life. I just wanna go. Oh god, I wish I could just get an uncurable disease so they have time to prepare themselves for my death and neither do they have to feel guilty nor get totally surprised with my passing. I would even be happy for just a car accident, so at least they don't feel guilty and think they haven't done enough or whatever absolute ridiculous thought may come to them. Gosh, I just want this to be over so bad and I am absolutely ready to do it myself without hesitation.

 Before anybody comes with comments like, you have people that love you blablabla. Yeah, I know I am loved, doesn't freaking change the fact that I hate living with every fiber in my body.