It's been 3 years and these last days I've realized that I may be putting myself in a really deep dark pit. It's really long so I really appreciate it if you read it all and help me.

**Context**

I estimate it started 4 years ago and has been more severe since I started my bachelorship 1 year ago, everything related with my mood, social life,  and mental health has been on decline. 

I've been a silent and almost always numb/tired kid since I became a teenager, I had a friend group, I liked them and they liked me but I was never driven to develope stronger and more intimate bonds with any of them, I almost always felt like I wasn't "fully" part of the group even if I was involved in all the plans and everything. Since we separated in mainly two big groups in different high schools I've lost connection with everyone besides 2 that are in my school.

These 2 friends started expanding their friend groups and I was partially left behind, they tried to introduce me to their new friends but even though I was feeling lonely I didn't want to meet nobody.

Since then I only developed my relationship with one guy who I share lots of interests with, he is my best friend and we are so close but isn't even from high school and goes to college so we rarely are able to spend time together. 

I also met a woman but my lack of knowledge fucked me hard, we met a party and talked for weeks , we started hooking up, she liked me and I liked her but I liked her too much, I caught feelings for her and confessed when we were both drunk at a party, she rejected that kind of relationship, it was hard for me but she was a good friend and we talked about our feelings and now we are friends and hang out from time to time.

**Problems**

The thing is, I feel so incredibly empty, adulthood is near and I have no purpose, no drive to grow neither to meet new people and try different things, I'm slowly losing my past self and relationships but I don't feel any need to keep them neither.  I'm few months from finishing high school and starting college, I thought I knew what I wanted to study but truth is that studying only makes me depressed, I no longer want to study in college and get a degree I want something that will make me happy.

I feel so damn lost, now everyday I wake up to go to school is a fight with myself, I see no reason at all, at first I thought it was something normal, who wants to go to school? But this year I started literally being unable to go to school, I wake up with this feeling of voidness already in my chest and that fear/anxiety of going to school. It has gone to the point I stayed an hour or too just to psych myself up and go to school, this meant skipping some classes, this week it got so bad and that's why I'm scared, sunday I was just tired of everything and went to bed early and on monday I woke up and tried to think of a reason to keep going, school and everything now meant zero, I just stared at the floor and started crying, then I got into bed and didn't get out till noon. 

This is getting worse every week and I'm scared of getting lost to the point I can't go back, I tried getting my parents to assign me a therapist but they don't take me seriously, they blame the phone or videogames. I'm unable to pay for it myself. 

&amp;#x200B;

What do I do, please help.