my whole life, ive always been the bad kid ever since i could talk. i was always a problem that needed to be fixed by my mum. i went to therapy every week since i could talk. i was always blamed for everything. it made me feel so alone, like no one else could understand me, especially my own family and it’s like that to this day. i am now 18, diagnosed with bpd, generalised anxiety disorder, the extreme side of OCD, misophonia, major depressive disorder, psychosis and ADHD. i can now understand why i am this way and why i act the way i do. but no one around me understands in the slightest except for my boyfriend of 7 months. he has always tried his best to understand and have put aside my behaviours because he knows it’s hard for me to control them although i treat him wrong sometimes. i will get snappy over nothing, i feel a lot of the time that i need to sabotage anything good in my life because deep down i know i’m not good enough or even a good person in general. i do everything in my life with good intentions but i always end up being the problem although i dive into everyone’s perspective. i feel so much empathy but i don’t at the same time. sometimes i’ll feel for everyone around me and it will make me feel so overwhelmed for them and other times i will not care at all and say all these horrible things i don’t mean at all and then feel really bad after but i never admit it because i deny everything. i deny every single thing i’m accused of even if it’s clearly true. i don’t understand why. i struggle to get out of bed in the mornings these days. i’d been an elite athlete training twice a day for ten years, to nothing. my mental health has fucked everything up. i was hospitalised over 20 times last year and 10 times this year. i remember i had my cousin come in and spend time with me and tell me about his life because we weren’t close when i was a kid and he tried to make sure my future would always be bright. a few days before christmas last year, i was hospitalised again and was in ED and my mum told me that my cousin had hung himself. i sat there for a solid five minutes unable to respond, i didn’t make a sound, i was in denial. after that i said continuously that he hadn’t for the next five minutes. and as it sunk in, i screamed the whole place down for hours on end until i lost my voice. i sunk into a deeper and darker place after that. my psychosis starting getting out of hand. i’d been on 90mg of ritalin a day since i was about 6 and it ended up in causing me drug induced psychosis. in hospital i spent hours talking to the faces in the floor and trying to read what the flashing light was trying to tell me. there were dark figures all around me threatening me to do certain things all the time, on top of that, my OCD was out of hand and still is. i have a rule book in my head and everything i do is to satisfy my OCD. i get intrusive thoughts that family will die or something will explode if i don’t follow what my mind tells me to do. sometimes i hear them as voices telling me to do things. one time i had dark voices in my mind giving me 5 days to live telling me that if i didn’t kill myself before then, my family would die. this ended up being one of my suicide attempts. i’d jumped in front of a train and three men from the public pulled me off about 5 seconds before the train came, it was trying to slow down and had given them enough time to pull me off. i was holding onto the tracks and i let go because these men would have been hit for me. i was then hospitalised again. i feel as if i lost myself a few years ago. i don’t even know myself anymore. each time i look at myself in the mirror i see a stranger. i hate myself, every inch of my body. i think i am fat and ugly and it feels like torture to look at myself but i do it anyway. i feel like i deserve every mark i have put on my body. i have been self harming since i was 12. i was always medicated, taking so many tablets a day. i felt like a zombie. i ended up moving to a crisis accommodation to be able to get out of hospital because my mum wouldn’t take me back, she saw me as the biggest disappointment. i spent a month there feeling more alone than ever. i was near the beach and that helped quite a bit because i am someone who appreciates the simple things and the beauty in this world, i was obsessed with going to the beach, watching sunsets, looking at the stars, i felt like this world wasn’t for me at all. i felt so alone. i then met my current boyfriend while living there. he introduced me to the real world and opened my eyes to everything. i realised how sick and manipulated this world is. i feel like our society is a human machine with no emotion driven by money. it made me hate this world so much more. but i learnt what true love felt like. i feel like we are the only people in this world when i’m with him. but i still feel empty and alone although i have someone who is everything i could ever want. i wasn’t looking for a partner at the time and i didn’t want one but he just swept me off my feet. he’s my rock. before him, i abused sex really bad and had ended up sleeping with just under 50 people. i hated sex but i used it to validate myself. i felt if people wanted to have sex with me, i was good enough and i felt like i wasn’t worth anything so i let boys rape me and get away with it, i let them treat me like an object. i had no self worth. i was smoking weed everyday and have just gotten out of that habit. drugs changed me. i started smoking weed at 14 and it was fun until i started to rely on it. i used it to self medicate. i was always depressed and anxious so i was always smoking weed. it made me lazy, i dropped out of year 11 4 weeks in after moving to a new sports school. i felt so anxious and alone there and after i was hospitalised for the first time, i just never went back. i’ve watched as everyone around me achieved their dreams and succeed while i’ve been falling down the rabbit hole. i was on the path to the 2024 olympics and to lose that broke me to bits. i have nothing to be proud of anymore. i never want to get out of bed anymore. i literally can just sit and stare at a wall for hours. i’ve shut off my emotions and i just feel numb. i’ll see things other people can’t and i have a lot of cats living back at my mums. and i think they can see things that ‘aren’t there’ as well. i let my emotions through at times and i just break down and lose my shit. whenever i lose my shit, i break things, threaten people, hurt myself, scream and jump around. cops are called a lot of the time because it can get that bad. it’s either a choice between feeling nothing at all or feeling everything and i’m stuck.