Hi everyone,

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I never put things like this on the internet. Maybe I feel better because it‘s sort of anonymous? I don’t know. The way that I was raised…you don’t put your business out there…ever. But right now I’m really struggling…and there just doesn’t seem to be anyone around who can help and listen. And I don’t want to take up valuable resources (like the National Suicide Hotline) from someone who needs it more than me. But basically…I’m struggling. Like really bad today. And it all started last night. I missed an important phone call from my doctor who left me a voicemail about some possible bad medical test results. I tried calling back this morning but…I haven’t heard anything yet. And it’s driving me crazy. I know this is a trigger for me, so I try not to miss phone calls or put myself in a situation where I can be triggered but I made a small, simple mistake. And now it’s all I can think about. I had an anxiety attack over it, over what the results could mean, over the fact that no matter what, I can seem to get healthy. I know that there are people out there who have it worse then me, that what I’m feeling is overall selfish and I should be more grateful that I am able to access medical help. But sometimes I wonder why I was born in this body, why it had to be cursed and why I just can’t function like everyone else. I should have my whole life ahead of me. I should be EXCITED about life. Instead I just don’t freaking understand it. And it’s not that I want to die. Because I don’t, I’m scared of dying. I just don‘t UNDERSTAND. Normally in this situation I would reach out to someone around me…a family member or my therapist. But that’s not an option. My therapist is busy, and already struggles to keep me on her schedule and sometimes doesn’t have room for me. And my family is…interesting. There are a few who would genuinely try to help…but they’re working. And they need the money. My anxiety can’t take precedence over their lives ands jobs. And the rest just…don‘t  understand. My parents aren’t helpful…they’re the EXACT opposite of what I need in this situation. And my partner just grows frustrated with me. And before anyone asks…no I don’t have friends. I don’t mean that in a sad sort of way, I genuinely mean that. And before anyone says anything, it’s not for lack of trying. I’m just at a weird phase in life, and in a weird place in the world (COVID related). So yeah…thanks Reddit, at least for being my sounding board and letting me type this. And yes I do have a journal and a sketchbook and tools set in place that normally might help me but this time…they didn’t and I could feel it growing and growing and I was beginning to disassociate and check out (which for me is really scary) . Okay rant over. I feel a little bit better, like maybe I’m not so alone.