...and I am so incredibly nervous! I have known her since late summer when she asked me to join her Bible study group after meeting me at church. Since then, a lot of major life changes happened in rapid succession and let’s just say that this fall was REALLY rough on me and my BPD/bipolar symptoms. Anyways, one major change was my best friend/FP moving three states away (only to ghost me and abandon me completely weeks later). He was my last friend left where I live, so his physical absence was agonizing. I fell into a horrific depressive episode and things hit the damn fan. I felt totally  unlovable - unlikable even - and the only thing that gave me hope for the next week was Bible study. Still, I treaded very carefully around these new people I was meeting from my Bible study group. They could not have been more welcoming or inclusive, but I am terrified to really open up to them in fear of word-vomit and oversharing. I am scared to be social with them outside of our meetings. I am anxious and paranoid about how they would perceive me and thinking of all the ways in which they would judge me. 

Over the winter break, I had a coming-to-Jesus moment. I resolved that I didn’t have to be lonely, that I didn’t have to immediately withdraw out of terror, anxiety, paranoia, or fear of judgment whenever someone reaches out their hand to include me or invite me to things. I could use a friend, and I shouldn’t pass up the opportunity to make one. 

So when this girl asked if I wanted to get together after I came back from my winter vacation, I said yes and I promised myself that I wouldn’t bail. She has consistently asked me to hang out and is persistent even though I decline. It makes me feel like she wants to be my friend. It gives me hope that people are kind. 

Anyways! She is coming over in 20 mins and while I’m still have lingering anxiety, paranoia, and worry, I am excited to have her over! Wish me luck that I don’t word-vomit! Thanks for reading. 