I'm creating so much suffering for myself. It's like in some way I believe I deserve to be unhappy yet I only do it to hurt my parents which have been quite cruel to me but in a sens they have much more logical reason to be messed up. I still can't believe what my mother has been through that shit is close to medieval age and my father hasn't exactly had it easy either. I mean it has most of the disgusting shit, murder, incest, suicide, sickness, war/violence.

They both want to see me do well at this point, but in the past it was quite the opposite so it's like my subconscious want to see them suffer.  I'm in a perpetual "energy drained" state just because of negative emotions(I'm sure you all know this part), so I've been trying really hard to get help yet I can't seem to convince the people trying to help me that I want to get better. Part of me want to be social but I see so much danger that isn't there that I try to stay alone all the time. Been trying to juggle drugs to a small amount but so much time has passed they are getting heavier problems, only thing that can take my mind "off" are opiates and that is snowballing quick. Thing that worries me the most is my dog seems to be trying to get away from me, I've been really good to him and same from him but I'm getting so depressingly fucked up it's getting to him. 

Point of this post is I don't know how to convince myself to get better I feel so much weight on myself, like it's nothing I can get off. I had so much good hopes, was ready to work hard for it but now I'm just spent and a disgusting person full of hypocrisy. I never could make peace with sexual orientation/gender identity, that was mostly because it would be viewed as a flaw. I felt like I couldn't ever say a word with what I felt, that it was petty compared to what other people endured in my family and also that it would shame them.

God I feel so shitty if I shoot myself my poor dog is gonna be so hurt. It's one of the few things keeping me alive right now, what a fucking bad feeling.