i hate living, i hate my life. i hate everything about it. i have a wonderful boyfriend who also has bpd so he’s super understanding and i have a niece who i love so so much that i would hate to leave behind but i don’t know what to do anymore. ive tried so much, im trying so hard, im tired of living for other people, i cant live feeling like this. it’s so painful. no matter the medication, type of therapy, inpatients or psych wards, positive influence in my life nothing seems to get better. 
the last thing i want on this earth is to make my partner sad, ive seen him cry before and it was the saddest thing ive ever seen, i love him and i would never wanna make him sad. my niece is turning 6 this year and she’s the sweetest angel and i would hate for her to wonder where her aunties gone but im in so much pain, ive truly truly tried everything. i miss my friend, he committed suicide last year and i miss him so much, he would sing to me when i was sad and just make everyone around him feel so loved and warm. 
everything lately just seems so much worse, i feel so alone, ive attempted 3 over times in my life and i wish it would’ve worked. i haven’t caught a break since. everyday im scared my partners going to leave, im so sad all the time and im worried it’s too much. 
i don’t remember a time in my life where i wasn’t stressed, im stressing half the time when there’s nothing to be stressed about. 
i don’t really have any friends, the friends i have don’t really spend time with me unless they need to vent about something or ask for something, im glad they come to me when they need to talk but i would really love it if someone asked if i was okay. i give all my energy and love into helping other people, i have no love to give to myself. i spend 24/7 with my partner but i still feel lonely and i still feel like he doesn’t love me. i feel so bad for him, he so reassuring and kind, im scared he thinks that no matter what he does is not enough. 
i don’t think there’s any advice for me to receive because ive truly truly truly tired everything, im so exhausted of trying to help myself feel better. im so fucking done, i really can’t imaging another week of feeling like this, time will not help it pass, i feel like this everyday.