Acknowledging my imminent suicide gives a sense of comfort, because for so long I’ve been through loneliness, hatred and pain beyond imagination. Don’t get me wrong. Said “comfort” by literally no means eliminates the pain, but it does at least diversify my emotions.

I wish I could do it right now but I’m going on vacation with my mother and brother tomorrow and so I don’t want to ruin it for them. I’m just looking for the perfect opportunity. I know as soon as I have enough pills, as soon as I’m home alone for long enough, it’s gonna happen. I guess I’m also selfish because I want school to start again before I do it. That way I get at least some recognition, despite basically having no friends. I just want an exit to this hell as soon as possible.

People would probably tell me (if I actually chose to speak to people) that I’m too young to die. I disagree. Every day that passes is another day that I shouldn’t be alive. If they felt what I feel, they would understand. The messed up part about this is, contextually, there isn’t much wrong in my life. Supportive family, wonderful brother that I’m close to, good living conditions, safe country/city, financial stability. Sure I’ve had to deal with some seriously traumatic things in the past depression never sprouted from them.

I’m anxious because I always want to die, but I can’t really just do it, at least not in the way that I want to. It’s the only thing I look forward to nowadays. And I know it’s gonna happen, just not sure when exactly, but soon. 

Not sure where I’m going with this, just waiting until I get a reassuring amount of pills collected and in the meantime I impulsively felt the need to let this out. Please let this pain end. I’ve been suffering too long. It’s not fair. none of this is fair.