I've been looking into myself for the past couple of months , particularly when it comes to love &amp; relationships . I'm currently in a relationship with an amazing person , she's a great person inside and out . But the way we met and how fast this has escalated is frightening and can only end in someone getting hurt . I've given her all the love I had to give , even though it's all a futile attempt to make myself believe I AM in love . I just can't seem to be happy with another person . Ever since I had a fall out with my ex (whom I was in a relationship with for years and later finding out that I have BPD and riding out the waves of ups and downs) I've known her since me and her were both in middle school (currently 18 now) and needless to say with that time we've grown a bond . An insanely strong one . She's helped me through depression , incarceration , homelessness , suicidal tendencies , drug abuse . And we nearly had a child together . And we've worked through her parental abuse , sexual assaults , and countless more issues on top of that . And as ashamed as I am of my decisions to argue , cheat , lie , scold , and rage out . She forgave me , and told me that we just couldn't be what we used to . For a short period of time after , we moved on . I was in and out of relationships bordering on commitment and being uncommitted , and she found a guy that was good for her . But then we got in contact again , all whilst her current bf at the time knows . And that spark , once again shows its hopeful eyes , and ignites the fire between us . And we had an affair on each of our spouses with each other . It felt so right , so comforting , like it belongs this way . But eventually things came to light and we were stuck in a ultimatum , leave our current relationships to be with one another again (knowing the risk of us becoming toxic to each other) or cut ties and continue our lives (knowing that we as individuals will never have a  relationship like this again) . It was painful , but she made the decision I couldn't . We lost contact for months . Meanwhile I still try to feed the void inside of me with drugs , fake love and affection , and basically anything to distract me from the fact I lost the one thing I considered the only reason why I believed in love . To my surprise , she would sometimes text me and ask me how I was doing . And I would always tell her the same old lies , "I'm good I've just been working a lot" . It soon turned into monthly check ups to weekly phone calls , her telling me that her relationship is failing , that it wasn't what she expected it to be . And me telling her how much I've missed her and how hard I've been trying to keep it together . And at that point I noticed that due to my mistakes in the past , I lost not only my girlfriend , but my best friend . The only woman in the world that knows me through and through . The only person that knows how to save me when I can't save myself . 
But ... before that flame could light itself once more , we fell out . No contact at all . Nothing . I was hurt . Desperate . I even told her I would change my ways , finally seek therapy . Finally get the help I needed . To be the person that best fit her . Not out of persuasion , but out of pure fear . Fear that I would lose her , then the world around me , myself and lastly , my life . And even then still , she gave me those words I've heard before . "But how can I trust you? How do I know that you won't be the same ?" And I couldn't help but drown in shame , knowing she had every right to feel that way . Knowing that even though I've been forgiven , I've shattered everything . Feeling like the piece of shit I think I am . Since then I've spiralled downwards back into my drug abuse , living recklessly as if nothing matters . Hoping death creeps up and whispers her name in my ear as I drift away . But then here comes this woman , my current girlfriend . I didn't mean to , I mean it . But I took advantage of her , the extent she's willing to open herself up to me . I've broken down every defensive guard she had properly built up for situations just like this . And now that I've noticed the effect my poor decisions , I want to leave . I don't want to hurt anyone anymore . I don't even know what I want out of love anymore . I just want something , anything . And that's what scares me the most . :/ I need help , from somebody (anybody) . I'm so alone I'm taking people's hearts and breaking them so I can lessen my pain . I don't want to . I'm tired of trying to fill this void . I'm tired of being alone . Please , just help me . 


