I just need to share some shit. Scroll down for the plant based protein. 

I was diagnosed w bpd by the first therapist I ever saw which was unsettling that they pinned it so quickly but once I learned about it it was like yeah definitely. I didn’t end up liking them and there’s a funny story there but anyways after that I tried another but didn’t make it past first appt with that person either. 

Things got bad and so I went to my workplace mental health resource and eventually ended up at doing a hospitals intensive outpatient program. Group CBT wasn’t right for me so I switched to group DBT and that helped but I think ended but making things worse in some ways. 

At no point have I ever had a personal therapist or even regularly seen a GP. 

So 1/31-2/1 was ruffffff for me so I ended up going to urgent care for anxiety I guess and getting prescribed escitalopram for daily and hydroxyzine for severe anxiety. Follow up appointment two weeks later I felt cool so they gave me a years worth and sent me. 

Now I’m really struggling and I can’t really keep it together. I sh-ed really bad the other day and I’ve been doing this since I was like 11 and saw cutting on livejournal or quizilla (did anyone else do that shit?) and I’ve never stopped completely. I’m an adult and it’s really embarrassing to have these scars. I’ve tried to overcome my shame about them but wearing shorts is sometimes a self confidence challenge. 

I’m kind of ready to leave the world at this point. I’ve reached out to my family members and indicated things to friends but I almost can’t really reach out cuz I know things are bad but I know I’m not really actually going to kill my self. 


Anyway here is my question after extensive googling and nothing of significance. Posting here because I’m curious if this could be the childhood trauma that kind of started everything for me bpd wise (I know there are other factors but humor me) 


............. 

I started masterbating at a very early age, pre-k, with a friend. When I was little my next door neighbor was a year or two older than me and my absolute BFF. We started doing that stuff together before I can really remember. I don’t know where or how we or which of us first learned it. I remember being caught masterbating alone at home (when we were together it was always at their house) and being shamed deeply and called a pervert by my family (in a make fun of way). I remember my BFF and I had a tumultuous relationship as children and would often get in fights and not talk for days, then be besties again. We had other neighbors our age so when we’d fight we’d both make other friends and I remember feeling my face burn hot with jealousy and the shame of rejection even as a super little kid. At one point during one fight she told someone about what we did together and this other person called me a rapist during a back and forth (this was still around 1st or 2nd grade). I’ve never shared this anywhere. I’m scared that I might be the one who abused another. But I’m hoping that I’m not and maybe someone can read this and reassure me? Or help give me courage idk  

I know kids that it’s normal for kids to masterbate and experiment with each other but does this sound abnormal at all? Am I just overthinking pretty normal things? 

I could go on forever w details and side stories but I just want to know is it normal for 4-5 years olds to masterbate with friends? 