like i guess this is more a vent than anything and i’m not even sure it can fully be attributed to my bpd or not

i’m often so terrified i’m forcing everyone around me to do things through covert manipulation that i overextend in the opposite direction by repeatedly asking if the thing i’m asking for is okay. by “repeatedly” i mean to the point where i get told to stop asking because it’s annoying and they’re not going to change their mind. 

almost every time without fail the person then changes their mind unexpectedly and usually tells me i should have expected that from them and never should have just expected them to continue doing whatever they were doing, so it’s my fault for trusting them in the first place. i react badly when i feel like i’ve been lied to, and i absolutely hate when people change the rules on me out of nowhere, and beyond that i can’t handle people blaming me for things i didn’t do, so this is like.... triple the trouble for me, and i end up feeling duped and like i can’t trust what anyone tells me and this furthers the cycle where i feel like i’m asking too much if things are okay because i know they’re not and the person i’m asking is lying to me. this feedback loop is especially hard in regards to sex because i’ve had multiple partners tell me afterwards that they “just went along with it” because they thought i wanted it, when usually they’re the ones initiating and i ask for consent a good six or seven times throughout just to be absolutely sure everything is fine. 

i don’t understand if this is actually me doing this or not, i don’t understand what i’m doing wrong. it feels like i run into this issue with everyone so it must be me, but i’m literally trying my hardest to make sure everything is okay. it feels like the next step is to just isolate myself because i can’t trust anyone to tell me the truth, they’re all just placating me.