

I am in middle school, my grades are good, but im smarter as a person i just get lazy sometimes.

I have alot of signs pointing to some illness(es) and heres me venting out, sorry if none of this makes sense.

1. Im super insensitive and sensitive. I make insensitive jokes that are just supposed to be taken lightly, but then when someone calls me weird, stupid mean that i did something or the way i acted, i cry and i feel like shit (only in a “yoo why tf did you post thats so weird its literally normal” way and if i actually do like the person) and i feel like i’ve messed up the relationship by making them feel like shit.

2. I think of murder alot. I love true crime, have since i was around 7. I don’t mean movies and stuff, like the real thing. I saw a gore video of someone dying when i was 9, and a dead body at my age. I have thoughts of just stabbing someone in rage, whenever i have a knife, i just wanna stab my mom or brother so hard, and today i felt it more than ever, and i just wanted to walk up to her room and do it, like there was a magnetic feel, but i put it back in the drawer before i could over think this simple situation. 

3. I fidget. I fidget with my rings, i do the leg shake thing every single second in school, i play with my shirt, and stuff like that.

4. I have horrible mood swings. I can go sad from happy in 5 minutes. Usually something causes it though.

5. I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I asked my mom to get a therapist, which she is working in, but besides that i kinda have friends who wouldnt understand me. Theyre temporary friends, and I dont feel comfortable saying that i would like to stab my mom infront of them, so i keep everything to myself.

6. Anxious, nervous, whatever you wanna name it.

7. Been having panic attacks and mental breakdowns since i was 8. Usually nothing causes them though, just randomly happens and i go into this horrible mindset and i feel like im going to cry.

8. My family. They arent close.
My brother and I are somewhat close.
My mom just really supports me financially and thats it. I dont really like her too much.
My dad kind of is there. He drives me places.
My mom and dad need a divorce, but refuse to get one. 
My sister is in college.

9. Loner, again i have nobody to rely on.

10. Always get told to shut up, or get made fun of by my siblings. I know its sibling love, but they really do mean it. “You’re ugly, but dont become insecure.” My sister tells me all the time. “You have a huge forehead” i fucking know. I also have alot of body insecuritys which makes me not wanna show my arms or legs.

11. Angry all the time. I wanna curse out everyone i know, punch them, stab them, whatever. I dont though, but that makes me even more angrier. This is a big thing about me even though i cant really put it into details.

12. Kinda got only 2 friends. Yeah yeah i got school friends but those dont count. I have 2 friends i text to out of school and one doesnt like hanging out and the other really fucking pisses me off. Shes temporary, and im not saying that because i hate her im saying that because we wouldnt be friends if we werent in the same class.

13. Really fucking sad sometimes. I’ll literally just sleep from 4 am -7 pm to avoid reality since i hate everyone so much.
 
14. Whenever i think of something embarrassing, or something im not supposed to, like someones privates my head shakes and my neck moves to the right or left. I don’t know what these are but this happens to me every day

Thats about it. I’m kinda just waiting to get new friends but my community is really bad, so i guess i’ll stick to being the loner. If you can help me in any way, I’ll appreciate it. Thanks