I felt okay for a while but i keep on coming back to this feeling that i fucking despise. I have so many different things to process and they all trigger me very conveniently. I hate HATE having to feel this way. I can only ignore all these emotions for so long but a small crack, a slightest inconvenience and I'm back to square one. I've been daydreaming about ab*sing d*ugs and I'm awfully scared that if i get my hands on them it will definitely turn into an addiction. I've been depriving myself of basic needs like going to the bathroom or eating and it's not like this is in my control. I have no energy to do this. The only thing that i basically force myself to do is to study to try and get good grades. I wanna be done with this. I want to have a single day when a genuine smile doesn't feel like an effort, when I'm actually happy or maybe disappear or maybe not live.