What's up party people? It's 3am where I am!

So, yes, now the town crier can announce me as "Heartbreaker" when I enter my urban home town "piece of shits-ville" 

The kindest, most thoughtful and considerate man I've met 

We get close and within a month I crush it to fucking pieces 

I show him my full crazy. How I don't trust people and I'm terrified when I'm  close to people and I will run and hide no matter how wonderful they are! (refer to exhibit a above) 

I get close to him, get his hopes up.. and I just crush them...all because my "thing" is "obviously no one wants to be kind to me. It's a trap. Oh god he's going to kill me, oh my god he's gonna make me have sex. It's gonna happen all over Again!!" 

Like couldn't I have had hats or gin based  cocktails as my thing? 

I joke but he has left sobbing and wanting space 

We did it, Reddit! 

I broke him, I made him confused and anxious and feel he did something wrong 

No amount of sorry will ever amend that 

I hurt the kindest person I know 

I could do something about it like therapy or ya  know, maybe not be a back and forth piece of shit 

But deep I know.. this is me..I don't think this is ever going to change 

I hurt a person I cared about so deeply...all because I was terrified 

I don't even know how to feel, I an switching from laughing crying..kinda levels out to numbish 

I fucking hate myself, I hate how I am and chose to act

I wish I was fucking dead