ive come to the conclusion that hope is just hope for its own sake. i cant rly explain it. people who do believe in hope just to have it. it may not be accurate, it may be not real but if it gives hope than whatever, fuck other ppls thoughts. hope is not an action but a feeling one achieves. mentally ive been struggling, i have ptsd from a friend who tried to jump off a balcony that i grabbed last minute and it just sent me down a downward never ending spiral. 

i just think about life, ive read 20+ books on philosophy, existential and absurdist works from john paul sartre, albert camus, dostoevsky, etc in under 6 months. reading brilliantly well thought out works of literature rly put things into categories to make it easier to acknowledge which problems one may have. so ive just been organizing a lot of vocab from a more existentialist point of view. knowledge rly helps me for some reason to deal with my problems of pointlessness. 

now ive stumbled across transhumanism and the science of reverse engineering the aging process. for some reason it just seems right to me and extraordinary scientists have been saying some bold things recently about the timeframe these technologies may be out. so i read a couple books on biology, longevity, transhumanism and couple works of futurism. this so called "immortality" is nothing new to society as many ppl have search for the fountain of youth. we have been extending our age for centuries. but we in a new point in history. historian yuval noah harari says this, "we are entering an age of intelligent design, not by a god but by ourselves." 

he is also a firm believer in tech based religions. alternatives for the religions that offer exactly what religion has to offer but only in the physical world. science in the next 20-50 years might give humans godlike powers. its scary asf to say this but i believe this is what hope is. ive stopped believing in religion a couple years ago and ive just been desperately searching for an answer. science is the answer. depression is a curable gene. if u r to modify ur genes u can cure depression and depressive behaviors. a new system of completely genetically engineered bliss. when writing this down it seems ive lost my mind. not sure if i have or not.