I ruined a birthday party tonight because a saw my ex touch up and flirt with another girl. 

I cant describe it, we've not been together for 8 months and I have absolutely no desire or want to be with him ever. Regardless, I absolutely lost it.

I messaged him once begging him not to do it because I didn't like him seeing it. He messaged back saying he was sorry. Within 10 minutes of apologising he was back at it again and I just couldn't handle it.

I walked out the room coz i was pretty much breaking down.  I sent him another message saying "You're not even sorry don't lie to me you dont give a fuck". He sent me a message back saying he was sorry that I was upset and asked if I wanted to talk privately downstairs asked way from everybody which I said yes to.

I just cried and cried and cried. All the while he was flirting with her id been scratching both insides and edges of my hands to the point of 3 of them bleeding, it was the only thing numbing the pain. He was telling me how he didn't want to make me feel upset but at the same time felt it was unfair that I was allowed to see someone else and he wasnt.  Which I agreed with him on. I know that it isn't ok for me to be acting so irrationally about it. I dont know why its hurting so much or why I'm so jealous.  


I just don't want it to happen and I dont know why. It makes me so frustrated and angry but awfully sad at the same time. I also feel like distancing myself from her, which isn't right because we're both very good friends. 

I've realised every single time I've lost a group of friends its been this exact reason. I get crazy jealous of my ex with another person. And then I cant bare to see a single one of them ever again because it just hurts. 

Why does it hurt so much? Why am I so jealous? I don't want to lose anymore friends. Especially as my ex is, or was, my FP. I'm in so much pain.


EDIT - Contacted my local crisis team and they've helped me calm down. They said once I start my DBT and learning emotional regulation then I should be able to deal with the spontaneous bursts of emotion. 