I've emotionally broken down and uncontrollably sobbed four times today. Including right now. Its going on 30 minutes now. I dont even know why. I just cry and cry and it wont stop. 

My derealization has gotten so bad I completely forget days altogether. I forget where I'm going and what Im doing a lot. Its like the world around me is in fast forwards, but im in slow motion shuddering along trying to catch up. And when I finally catch up its just to go back to a state of being completely numb and emotional less.

I look like a zombie. Im physically dead. My mom thinks I took drugs today because she said "youre way to out of it". I told her today was just really bad for my depression and she could drug test me if she would like to. I dont think she believed me. She never believes me. I constantly used to question if I really had issues or if I was just making them up, shes making me question my own fucking reality. I cant handle it. Im going crazy.

I dont know if Im seeing things now or if maybe my appearance changes when Im upset. But I dont recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I look different, more fat, weirder looking, i cant describe it. Its just not me. I would look at my body parts and I couldnt even remember if thats what they look like normally. Am i fat am I skinny I dont know? I know this is slowly falling into a rabbit hole as i type, Im sounding more and more crazy.

I dont even want to talk about it to my therapist. Ive only had one meeting with her but we talked about in the first one. I feel like I have to now lie to everyone, cause if i dont they'll lock me up in impatient because im fucking crazy. im fucking losing my mind. I cant be locked up. I just cant.

If i can trick them into thinking im okay until the 15, the day i go to my probation hearing, then maybe itll all be okay. If i get out of that I can go back to smoking weed and i wont be bad anymore. Everything will be fine again.

I really want to die. No. I want to run away and just be free, but I cant because if I do my mom will call the cops on my boyfriend. Hell get arrested. I cant bring down other people when I fall, thats fucked up. I think about suicide daily. Hourly. Its all I think about. I have to fight myself not to swerve off the road or off a bridge most of the time. I cant hurt my family though. I just cant.

EDIT: My mom just came into my room. She asked if i was okay and I told her i had been crying. She said I wasnt depressed, it must be from my period that isnt due for another week or so. Then said it must be that me and my boyfriend got in a fight, which is completely opposite. I talked to him today about something- I was worried he was losing interest, you know abandonment issues, and he assured me he wasnt that he still very much so had feelings for me. Finally she said "oh it must be from that darn computer, you mustve read something that got you upset." Why cant she just accept that I fucking have issues. She stayed and talked for a little while and rubbed my head, she trys i guess. It helped a little I suppose.