I lie and say that I’m too young and I don’t need them right now. That I have too much life to live and they can wait. And that’s not entirely a lie I’m only 19 so I am young and do have a lot of life to live. But really it’s because I’m scared that I won’t be strong enough to stay in this world for them. Terrified that my thoughts will take over and I’ll leave them motherless. And this is so weird to type out bc I really am young I shouldn’t even be thinking about kids I have other things to achieve, but I’ve always wanted them and now I don’t. So when I see a cute baby I smile and hold it if I can. I want my siblings to have kids so I can get the experience vicariously through them. But when asked if I want them I lie, because if I go I don’t want them mourning me and questioning why they weren’t enough for me to stay.