I am sorry if my English is bad, because in my country we don’t learn English formally. This post will be long.

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So, I (currently 25F) was in a long-term relationship (5 years) with someone I met in college (26M). I have always been open about my life goal since the start – I want to pursue a career overseas. Because in my home country, my field of study is not appreciated. He always reciprocated that, saying that it is what he wanted too. Years of college went by, we finally graduated. We worked in a different workplace while at the same time applying to several schools abroad together, but we were rejected. I still kept going, but he finally decided to give up and never told me why. Then, he started to prevent me from applying. Saying that I am too naïve, and that I don’t know how little and stupid we are compared to people from other countries. He also said that I had a colonized mentality because I kept thinking that abroad is better. I guess, over time his words sunk and I decided to stop pursuing my dream. 

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At that time, I didn’t realize it was because of him. I really thought that I am not enough. My self-esteem was at rock bottom. I fell into depression, quarter life crisis. I had suicidal thought almost every day, thinking that I have nothing to live for. Back then, I was in a very toxic workplace and my family is not the greatest bunch of people. My then-bf kept saying that my depression was because of the family and work, that we should get married since we are in a serious relationship and I need to move out get away from my toxic family. I didn’t know why back then, but I kept refusing as my heart felt like something wasn’t right. I talked to him about chasing my dream and he always replied with a degrading tone as described above.

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Then, I became friend with an employee (25M) in my work place. He was a very idealistic person, much like me. He helped me realize what I want (which is to pursue my dream again). He encouraged me to go to a psychiatrist to sort myself out, something that my then-BF was always against (he said that it was a waste of money because everything my psychiatrist said, he already know). I went, and my psychiatrist helped me realize that I was depressed because I am an ambitious person that got held back. I tend to people-please and prioritize others because of my childhood trauma. My psychiatrist, and my friend too, also helped me see that my relationship was very toxic. Previous to this relationship, I did not really have any friends that I can confide to because my then-BF always want to be included in every friends hangout and everyone thinks that we were fine.

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Thing is, I was scared to end things with my then-BF. We were tangled with each other’s families too much; I was scared to disappoint everyone. I thought that this is a sacrifice that I have to make in order to keep everyone happy. But I did something that I am not proud of even until now. I caught feeling with my friend. I felt safe, seen and understood with him. I thought back then, “I am making this huge sacrifice and I have been sacrificing myself time and time again. can I enjoy something for myself at least once?”. So, I went out with him often, talked on the phone, etc. Then I found out that he had feelings for me too. This went on for a while, but several incidents happened that made me realize that I can't marry my then-BF because it would have definitely stop me from pursuing my career and would break me. Long story short, I finally broke up with him recently and things got messy as I predicted. My family was very stressed because they have the typical Asian mindset (girls are not worthy if they are too old already). Several other dramas happened because of this, and I cannot go into details. But it was very traumatic.

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Now, I am feeling content that I can pursue my dream again, however I cannot forgive myself for technically “cheating” on my then-BF. So I guess I do know IATA, maybe? But, I do know that cheating is not something I would normally do. My relationship with my then-BF was already going for a long time and I never looked at other guys at all, while he actually did cheat once. He was attracted to this one girl in his workplace that, according to him, made him feel respected and like a man. I forgave him back then and we continued our relationship. 

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So that’s my story. I am not seeking for validation or such. I just feel very suffocated by all these feelings and need to get it out because I have been diagnosed with PTSD after all this drama. Thus I need to hear other people's perspective on this.    


Thank you for reading my long post, everyone.