I don't know if this will help but maybe just writing what I feel will help me feel a bit better. I haven't been feeling good the past few weeks, I have had a couple of problems spanning over 5 years that have made me live in pain all that time. Gone to a few doctors even did a surgery, but nothing improved. Now I find myself going through this pain coupled with what seems to be a career stall (which is going pretty great circumstances considered), I can't seem to break into the senior space and it's forever frustrating, eating at me at any given instance. Being a loner my entire life hasn't also helped in this situation. I don't know how to have fun it seems. I can't drink alcohol and smoke anything because of the trauma I have gone through because of them and the little moments I spend with my \*friends sometimes end up in me dampening the mood and I leave immediately when I notice that shift. I'm growing big because I find it hard to cook for myself on a daily, wasting my hard earned money on pizzas and fried chicken, dreading every moment I see myself in the mirror because I can just feel the hate rise within me. I can't seem to establish a relationship that isn't platonic in nature. I'm asexual so this doesn't bother me as much as it would but it's painful to want an emotional connection with someone and being rejected for proposing a commitment of what seemed like a good situationship. I'm just tired of feeling all this pain, physically and mentally, and I don't know when it will stop. I've wanted to end it multiple of times but just knowing that my parents are struggling and that this would hurt them even more being the child that actually made it and surpassed them would be too much for them to bear so I continue supporting them however I can. Now this sickness that I am feeling, I'm hoping it's something serious that would manifest to be the thing that finally takes me out but I'm sure this is all just happening inside my head. I just want this pain that I am feeling to end. I'm tired.