This isnt something id normally do as Im not one to put my emotional shit on the internet, but I dont know what to do anymore cause now all I want is death

A few weeks ago I had, what I think was, a mental breakdown, ive stopped feeling like myself, I cant do anything, even listening to music is like something's scratching at the back of my skull and since then my only thoughts have been about killing myself

I feel like im lost, alone and uncared for, despite knowing I have people that do care about me. I want to end my life in January, as I dont want to ruin their Christmas. Ive tried talking with them but now I just feel guilt, that im going to cause them grief and even truama, but I cant do this anymore.

Every single day is uncomfortable, unbearable and it's becoming impossible to function properly, ive been putting on a smile and acting "normal" but when Im alone I drop the act and I just want death. I dont even want to be touched or held, it just feels.. strange. Like insects crawling on my skin that I need to get off, if that makes any sense.

But even then every way i want to die will just create a worse life for me and death isnt guaranteed.. at least for a while.

I cant go to a doctor cause they need ID to sign up with and I dont have that.