posted this on r/confession but figured I'd post it here too, since people might understand more specifically with my BPD and this situation if that makes sense.

I'm posting to get this off my chest but also because I'm not sure where to go from here. Yesterday I left the house for the first time in a couple weeks. I haven't showered in just as long, haven't been eating or drinking well, have been having trouble sleeping, not been attending any of my university classes or doing coursework and been increasingly paranoid. So yesterday when I was in the city I just thought fuck it. I started crossing the street and stopped and shut my eyes but no cars came - this is a busy street in the city mind you, so I'm not sure why there was a break in cars then, but I got so frustrated by this that I walked to the main bridge in my city (crosses over a river.) I stood for maybe twenty minutes looking down, and as I started to lean over the railing and lift myself up two women came up to me and asked if I needed help. I said no and picked my bag up and hurried away, and they waited there for a bit so I didn't want to go back.

I was just so frustrated. I sat in the city and cried for a while. Got the bus home and emailed all my course coordinators at university to set up meetings to talk about my missed stuff. I have a busy next couple of days and I don't know how to handle it.

The weirdest thing is no one knows. In the past whenever I've had an episode like this people find out because I tell them or because I have s\*lf h\*rm marks or I'm in hospital, but this time I haven't told anyone. I've told a couple of friends I'm having a rough time and they've been sympathetic but haven't really asked whats going on. I keep bracing myself to say 'I almost jumped off the bridge yesterday' but it doesn't happen. I don't know if I should call the hospital I've been to before, or my doctor, or anything. I feel adrift.