Recently i cant stop thinking about hurting myself. Sometimes I'm imagining different scenarios in which I'll do it, like if I'm home or even at work, and play them out completely in my head. Maybe i go to the hospital, maybe i dont. Other times i just really sit and fight the urge to actively do it, here and now. Right now im not even currently upset or crying or depressed, i just want to cut myself. I havent in almost 10 years. Each day i feel like its getting harder and harder not to. I dont want to lose all my "progress" although I've done other things to hurt myself besides cutting. Can I truly say I've gotten better? 

Am I so messed up that I want to hurt myself for the sake of hurting myself. In my head, I cant recover without a relapse. And I've been in the middle of a very long meltdown for a few months. I havent hit my bottom, so how do i get to the top?