I don't know what else to do, who else to turn to, or anything anymore. I can't seem to ever do anything right, and I'm so sick of being wrong all the time and making so many stupid fucking mistakes. I don't want anyone to think I'm just trying to get attention, because I genuinely need help and someone to talk to. I'm going mad and I want to kill myself, I just don't know how yet. I've been hurting myself to punish myself, because I ruined my relationship with the only person who was understanding toward me and now I'm completely alone because my parents hate me and don't give a shit about me. I am not diagnosed, but I KNOW that there is something wrong with me, how I relate to the world, how I AM in the world, and all of my symptoms make it seem like I have BPD. I am seeing a psychiatrist and have been diagnosed with depression and ADHD. I am prescribed Remeron and Vyvanse, but I only take the Vyvanse. I don't want to admit to the things I've done to myself because I don't want people to think I'm just looking for attention. I'm not, I do it because I can't handle myself and it centers me and unclouds my thoughts.

Last night, my SO and I got into an argument. They accused me of lying about cleaning the bathroom when I gave them explicit details on what exactly I did while cleaning. I said that I cleaned the shower/tub and the floors, then ran out of sanitary wipes and couldn't get more because my SO had the car and I was just going to wait until they got home to go to the store. They didn't even notice the work I had done, the scrubbing I had given the tiles and the caulk near the bathtub, or how spotless the floors were. They didn't even comment or say anything appreciative to the fact that I cleaned on my day off when they NEVER do anything of the sort when they are off work, and I have asked them repeatedly to do SOME form of cleaning. But this isn't about them, this is about me.

I just got so angry, and I really tried to keep the angry feelings in check and not explode because I have such a hard time controlling my temper and emotions in general, but they just kept harping on and on and on and on about how I was lying specifically because I am a known liar. I have lied about many things in the past to my SO and hidden things because I was afraid of them being angry with me and leaving me, and though I have been trying very hard to never lie to them sometimes I DO still slip up because I'm just so afraid of consequences so I lie to hide shit because I'm afraid of being yelled at. But every time I am telling the truth, they refuse to believe I am and no matter how much I insist I am being honest, no matter how much I beg them to believe me, no matter how much I say over and over and over and over that I am not lying, PLEASE just believe me, I really am being honest this time... They still never believe me and won't give me a chance... So I got really mad and slammed my laptop shut, jumped up and grabbed the broom, and started smacking it on the floor yelling about how I wasn't lying, like a three year old throwing a temper tantrum. And the whole time it was happening, I wanted so badly to stop but it just happened so fast and before I knew it they were leaving to go sleep in the other bedroom and I slammed the door because I was SO mad and yelled "fuck you". I don't know how to control myself when it gets to that point, I don't know how to stop myself from exploding like that, and I hate it and I hate myself and I just wish I could cut out all the bad parts of myself with a melon-baller and be good. I just want to be a good person, so badly, but I don't know how to do anything but sit around and cry about how horrible my life is and how HARD everything is because I feel so fucking discouraged about everything.

And then, there are six of my Vyvanse pills missing and I don't know what happened to them. My SO said they didn't take them, but I am feeling paranoid and unsure. I accused them of taking them, and it fueled their desire to not want to be with me, so I am pretty sure that I have officially ruined the only good thing I had in my entire life...

I have tried talking to my SO about my problems, I know I need help and can't handle myself on my own, but I am afraid and don't really talk to my psychiatrist about my actual problems because I'm afraid of being put away and stigmatized and made to feel like the insignificant, stupid, uncontrollable horrible piece of shit that I am.  I just want to be happy, I just want to get married to a person I love and have children and have a job that I love and be with people that I love who love me back, but I feel so empty and my life is so empty and nobody cares about me or loves me anymore, and all of it is completely my own fault because I'm too chicken-shit to tell my shrink that I think I have BPD and need serious, actual help.