It’ll be a long one so here we go..

In the last 3 months I have been on lamotrigine. I had to channel my BPD brain when I went to the doctors and coerced them in to writing me up a script. I told them that I had taken it previously (I hadn’t been to the doctors in that area for a long time and I told him that I had it ages ago but stopped taking it because I felt better). So I was super convincing and used a lot of terminology.

While this isn’t an orthodox way to get medication, I had really no other option as I had tried about 10 different medications since being 16 (now 26) and periods of time where I hadn’t taken anything.

I had been diagnosed earlier in the year with BPD and BP2, which I had a feeling this was the case for awhile now... so all the medications over the years just kicked me more out of balance and I’ve had to ensure many withdrawals, sleepless nights, restless legs... I felt defeated. On the anti-psychotic front, I had seroquel for some time and I gained so much weight. My eating disorder thought patterns came back although I kept myself accountable and gave myself the firm no. I eat healthy and exercise sometimes/rarely so part my fault and part the medication ... moving on ...

I spent a lot of time doing extensive research and I thought lamotrigine made the most sense to try.

I started on 25mg and have slowly titrated to the therapeutic dose of 200mg. The most recent script I got was about a month ago for 100mg so I’ve been taking two of those in the morning.

I got some headaches and lost my appetite in the beginning and each time I titrated I had headaches.

I went to a psychologist a few weeks ago, after I had quit my job of 2 years as I had got another one (better pay, better team and new role). So that blew my anxiety right out of the water. We spoke about the wise mind and emotional regulation and she wants to see me again.

My world is now in colour. I feel things. I feel happy! My body isn’t sore (potential fibromyalgia but I could put it down to depression). I am sensitive to sad things I hear about or see on television. I have always been sensitive as a person, but I had felt numb for the longest time or my BPD amplified it and triggered rage hypomania so it was nice to actually feel something authentic, goosebumps and tears in my eyes from something I felt. I rarely cry! But these are empathetic and heartfelt moments for me, which I haven’t had since I was a teenager. I am a lot more understanding and I can have a conversation without feeling defensive or worried about what people think of me.

Despite lying to the doctors which I don’t really feel bad about, it was the best decision I have made.

I just wanted to share this with the community in case anybody is in the same boat as me. Do your research and weigh up the pros and cons. This is not advice, this is my story so far and for somebody who thought there was no hope and I would be this mess of a borderline and bipolar person clutching straws to keep her life together. It’s so much easier now.

TL;DR - Coerced doctors, new medication, feel like a brand new person. Borderline and bipolar 2 symptoms at bay and I am the happiest I’ve ever been.