I have now been living with depression for the past year and a half and due to my strong spiritual side Ive never been out to seek for help until I recently hit a point where the depression was so profound and painfull that I was constantly suicidal and reached a point where I dissaciated from myself to keep mooving my body in everyday life. I did that to the point where I was convinced I was dead and had no more thoughts goign through my mind , I was a dead man walking in constant insupportable internal pain.I was completely sure my brain was dead and had no idea how I kept mooving and talking. I also wasnt sleeping for most nights and due to the dissociation I was doign I didnt feel the lack of sleep anymore as I thought I was dead. I then gave up on my beliefs and got hospitalised for 4 weeks where they told me my depression got so bad I got into nihilistic delusion. Im now off of the hospital on SSRIs but there is no sign now that it is working out... Im spending my days in bed as my concrntration and attention are so low I cant even watch a moovie or read a book, I really feel like im experiencing the rock bottom of the abyss on earth and that there is no way out of there. Before all this , I was an entrepreneur who graduated in engineering and I really loved life, I had all kinds of amazing plans for my life and was really grounded into spirituality ... now it seems like Ive let myself go down so much that there is no possible way out ... It seems like my brain just shut me down completely...  I dont know if anybody here has experienced any depression as bad as what im goign through or even worst and got out of it ? I am just looking for some kind of hope if any is still there ...  Btw im in canada and I live in a place where there is no acess to ketamine treatments ...