Depression is something I've dealt with on and off for 15 years. It started when my dad died when I was 17. His death was very traumatic and me and my brothers were left with his body for a few hours. My mum had to be dragged to a neighbours because she was hysterical. Me and my brother answered the questions from the coroner (?) and then we just went quiet. His funeral came around and that was the last time I remenber talking about him to anyone in the family

In those 15 years I've had plenty of ups and downs, but in 2020 I broke up with a girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I ended up getting a new job shortly after and avoided dealing with my emotions and just focused on my job. After 14 months caring for others, things kinda caught up with me. One of the main people I was supporting saw a complete change in his attitude and he began attacking staff and displaying very challenging behaviours that saw me need to take time off for stress. Things didn't improve when I went back to work so I decided to leave and get another job in care. This one was a bit more relaxed but still working very long hours supporting people with all kinds of issues and not even 2 months in I quit

This was a few weeks ago and since then my mood is up and down but when I'm down I don't even recognise myself anymore. I'm miserable but full of anger too. This morning I went to see my mum and I was only there 20 minutes before I stormed out in a huff because she asked me to get something out of the garage. I could see and hear the pain in her when I told her I was going home. I fought back tears the entire walk home. Head down the entire 7 mile walk. Secretly hoping someone would give me a bit of chew so I could explode and take everything out on them. I've never even thrown a punch in my life but I feel ready to go to war at the moment

Now I don't even know what to do. I'm waiting for a call back from my doctor. I have enough money for this months rent and bills and then nothing. I've applied for universal credit but I'm in no position to work so I'm not sure what's gonna happen there. I'm barely eating, my sleep patterns are all over the place and I'm pushing everyone away. Sometimes all I wanna do is stay in bed. Other days I feel like I could smash up my flat in a rage if I don't get out but then when I'm out I'm anxious and irritable. Walking around scowling. I don't want to worry the people I'm close to, but I'm not OK and starting to resent them not leaving me alone and trying to offer solutions

Thanks for listening