Hi,

So I tagged this with a triggerwarning and NSFW, I'm not sure how these things work, but even though I'm not sure anything has actually happened, I thought better safe than sorry.

I am 31F and was diagnosed with EUPD resently.

Lately I have been wondering about something, but I have been scared to ask anyone, as I'm confused and embarrased about it. I have never told anyone, and I consider this my deepest secret. Obviously someone knows about some of it, as they were present, but not the whole deal.

I have been wondering about why sexuality was such a predominant topic in my mind and life so early. It was probably even earlier, but I remember specifically around the age of 8 it was a big deal for me. Now, being curious about your body is not necessarily out of the ordinary, but the way I acted on it is. 

What I remember was being obsessed with the feeling of masturbation, but not only in regards to me, I brought up the topic with others. I remember convincing a friend to rub against a pillow with me. I remember having a girlfriend over and us trying putting a pencil inside one of us, I can't remember, if it was her or me - we both wanted to do it as I recall, but it was obviously wrong. I remember being with a very immature boy from my class, (and this was my idea) him laying on top of me, fully clothes and doing "sex movements". I also remember talking to some girl where I lived and suggesting she could try the same.

I feel so horrified writing this, because I really don't know why I did it. For many years I haven't thought about it, but my soul-searching lately has brought it up again. I mean, how did I even know what to do? I lost my virginity 13 years old. Very young, although it was a good experience thankfully. And in my teen years I would describe myself as rather promiscuous.

What I am experiencing these days, where I am happily married to a very kind and caring husband that for the first time in my life makes me feel safe, is that I have hard time with physical closeness. I don't just mean sex. I also mean kissing. Hugging and cuddling is okay, but kissing and anything sexual makes me feel really uncomfortable. And then every once in a while I get struck with a sudden huge burst of sexual desire, and I can't get enough of him, and then I go back to this state, where it's just too difficult for me to ham him close like that.  
And even though I can't have him close without feeling like he's overstepping my boundaries (which he really doesn't intend to, he is so understanding and caring), I still have urges, I just have to take care of them on my own.

Sometimes I have sex with him, even though it feels so wrong, and I just pretend I am in to it. But afterwards I get really sad, and my husband feels terrible, as he will ALWAYS respect that I am not in the mood, and he says he feels like he has just assaulted me. I totally get what he means, and it isn't fair to him at all. He will check repeatedly if I actually want to do it, sometimes i just can't bring myself to say no. 

I have been wondering if these things are related, I am confused about my sexuality (not my sexual orientation), and I am too scared to confide in anyone about this. I don't actively remember anyone sexually assaulting me, and I don't want to instill false memories inside my mind, I just don't understand where all this is coming from.

I would really like someones advice and perspective on this, and please be kind, I have - as stated - never ever told anyone about this.

TL:DR: Was oversexualizing as a child, promiscuous as a teen and now feel wrong and uncomfortable, when my husband wants to do anything physical with me, sometimes I am hit with urges, but only for a limited time. Confused about all of this.