Lately I’ve been thinking lots about some of the things that happen to me and the way I think. I’m a very paranoid person, I often think people who are trying to help me are using me for personal benefit and I struggle to trust anyone has genuine motivations for talking/interacting with me. I often have miniature “dreams” that I don’t see with my eyes but I see with my mind if that makes any sense. Some have been demonic/horror in theme, others have been related to the nature of existence itself and seem to have a ‘psychedelic’ theme to them and showcase the interconnectedness of all things. I seem to have multiple core beliefs about reality that all generally contradict each other- I believe we are all the same expression of a single, all powerful consciousness whilst simultaneously believing in fatalism and that I am the only ‘true human’ and it makes me feel something akin to being on the Truman show.. that everyone else is aware of this and that they are all in a sense acting for my benefit so I don’t question it too much.
I think it’s also worth noting that I went through a period where I thought every star in the sky was an alien craft and that the government knew this and allowed them to be there as long as they grouped the crafts together in such a way that they look like star formations such as Orion’s Belt etc. It is not unusual for me to wake up feeling as though my thoughts are disconnected from my brain and to perceive a “conversation” (abstract in nature) between my inner voice and something else. The sentences in my head make no sense and often repeat over and over until I fully wake from my sleepiness. It is as if I was listening to a podcast in my brain between two people who have no idea how to use the English language but have extensive vocabulary without a understanding of what the vocabulary means..
In terms of looking after myself, I go through highly attentive phases where I take pride in how I look followed by long periods of wearing the same clothes 4/5t days straight, not showering and eating like shit. I feel sometimes I cannot express myself verbally and often leave the person I’m talking to looking confused as if I just spoke another language when in my perspective I’m making perfect sense. I have a very deep feeling of being misunderstood and no matter how I try to open up I just feel the majority of my conversations end in a weird look from the other person as if I’ve done or said something weird. Im not saying I think I have schizophrenia but I watched a film about a schizophrenic girl the other day that really made me relate heavily paricularly to the delusional aspect of being certain something is happening that nobody else can see or understand and it prompted me to consider it further.
Bit of extra info I use cannabis heavily but do not drink alcohol.
ANY and ALL replies are very welcome and appreciated as I’m sure many of you have your own mental states that you struggle with❤️