That’s it. I could write so, so much right now... but I’m not gonna. It doesn’t matter. 

I just wish I could have a different brain. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to experience happiness. If I could just be happy being alone, that would be a dream come true. No pining after or seeking a relationship. That would be the life. 

Imagine, just going through life... not needing attention from anyone... just vibing, enjoying nature, hobbies, etc. It’s a fucking pipe dream for me, that’s for sure. 

I just can’t. I hate living like this. Every day is a struggle and I’m so tired. The only things I look forward to are spending money, eating out, and drinking. I like hanging out with people too but I’ve been oversharing and genuinely saying too much recently which is making me feel horrible and guilty. 

This is fucked up, and I don’t actually want this to happen, but sometimes I fantasize about if my family wasn’t around. Then I could just KMS with no guilt. I just don’t see things improving, honestly. It’s hard to imagine one day I’ll just have a life that I’m okay with living. I wanted to stop vaping so I don’t get COPD when I’m older but then I was like, who really cares? I can always just KMS if I end up facing horrible health consequences for whatever I’m doing now. 

Nothing is even “that bad” in my life right now, but I still hate it. All I want is a relationship and I’m just not fit for one. The guys I’m attracted to never want me and I never want the guys that are attracted to me. Apparently I still have work to do... but... how the fuck. I wish I could stop obsessing but I CANT. Being in a relationship is the only thing that makes me happier. 

Eating out, drinking, festivals work for the hour/day... until I have to go back home. Then I remember that I actually hate being alive. Nothing feels worth it. I only want to “get better” because that’s the thing I’m supposed to do to get a boyfriend. It’s fucking sick. I can’t believe I think like this but it’s true. This is no way to live. It’s disgusting.

I don’t want to obsess about guys anymore. I’m not going to get into a relationship when I’m this fucked in the head but I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE LESS FUCKED UP. NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPY. FUCK. 

Literally. What the fuck. This is fucking impossible. I don’t know how to stop.