I'm 22 and for nearly my whole life, I never felt "normal". Something always seemed wrong or seemed off about myself. Why don't I ever feel or experience things like anyone else? Then looked towards BPD.

I had always heard of BPD but never really bothered to look into it but as soon as I did, everything started to make a little more sense. This was only a week or so ago so I have not been diagnosed yet but I hope to. But even if I'm not diagnosed with BPD, I still relate to so many of the posts here and finally feel like I can begin to understand who I am and why I am the way I am.

Im scared of feeling abandoned. I'm a paranoid mess. I've always been anxious. I've always had self esteem issues. I get so attached to people and feel so alone every second they're not talking to me.

I have a friend who has become my FP (controversial I know, but it's really the best way to describe it). I became completely obsessed with her, I have become dependent on her emotionally and mentally. And honestly, she likes me too, and she cares about me, but she can't be in a relationship. This is killing me because I want attention, I want love, I want someone to reassure 24/7 and I feel so lonely when I don't have that. I feel so guilty for wanting that. I feel like I'm using people, but oh my god when I've attached to someone, I just want them and only them and I want them to want me, otherwise I have to deal with all the paranoia issues. "oh my god its been an hour since they've replied, she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I know she told me she cares about just an hour ago but what if she's changed her mind already?"

My head never shuts up. I can't control anything, not my thoughts, not my actions, nothing.

I feel ill. I feel alone. I don't know what to do.