tw: suicide, i guess

hello everyone, i'm currently a first-year college student studying engineering, and i feel like a fucking failure. i've been massively depressed since i was a kid, and it sure as hell isn't helping now. i'm supposed to be preparing for my last few finals, but all i can think of is how badly i fucked up just about everything.

my childhood was absolutely awful. i don't remember ever actively wanting to live, thanks to my shitty parents. in fact, i don't remember any concrete events before i was around 11 or 12, other than getting on my knees and begging my parents to stop fucking screaming at me. the first time my parents had anything good to say about me was when i started high school at one of the best schools in the country. and two weeks later, they went back to their same old bullshit. at the very least, high school gave me a chance to get out of the house. picking up robotics gave me the excuse to stay at school until late at night, dodging my parents as much as possible. and for what it's worth, i started to actually enjoy it. for the first time in my life, i had actual friends, and people that i could actually trust. building robots was also cool as fuck, and i started staying late not to hide from my parents, but because i genuinely enjoyed what i was doing and the company of my new friends.

then, covid happened. cut off from everything i built up, i completely fucking cratered. i thought about killing myself so many times, but i always backed down. i don't know why. i had every reason to give in and slash my throat open, but i guess i was just too cowardly to follow through. i didn't want the few people i genuinely cared about to be sad, i guess. it got to the point where i got caught by my parents, and was thrown in a mental hospital for two weeks. when i got out, i thought things were getting better. i made a friend while i was in there, and we promised to keep in touch, until my dumb ass pulled some stupid shit and torpedoed that relationship. that failure brought me right back where i started. i barely scraped through college applications, and failed half my classes that year, barely graduating high school. the fact i got accepted anywhere was a fucking miracle.

i thought college would be a fresh start. a second chance. a way for me to leave my shitty past behind. and for a while, it was. i was acing my classes, i had a solid group of friends, hell, i found myself in an actual relationship for the first time ever. my life had finally turned around. or so i thought. apparently, my "friends" didn't see me the same way. i was slowly marginalized until i got booted out of the group entirely. then i had a mental breakdown and ended things with my partner. then my grades tanked. again. i barely scraped passing grades in my classes. next semester's a chance to rebuild, right? no. absolutely fucking not. i barely started the semester when one of my closest friends from high school decided they didn't feel the same way about me. and, my grades and sanity went down the toilet again. i swear, every time i think things are starting to go right, something stupid happens and i go right back to wanting to die. 

and now, here i am, up way too late desperately trying to scrape passing grades in my classes while my brain tells me i'm fucking worthless. it's highly likely that i'll have to repeat this semester. while it's still kinda fine, and i'll definitely survive, i can't help but feel like utter garbage. i am sick and tired of this shitty existence where something inevitably goes horribly wrong, i completely fucking collapse, and i have to pick myself up again and carry on like nothing happened.

sorry for the wall of text. i thought this would be a lot shorter, but i guess i really needed to vent and have nowhere else to go.