I know that my father doesn't love me, and at this point I'm sure my mother only does everything she does out of a feeling of obligation rather than love. One set of grandparents for sure doesn't love me and the other are just manipulative and possessive. My siblings pretty obviously don't love me either. The women I've dated in the past didn't grow to love me and one went as far as to admit she only dated me because it felt like something she had to do. I can count one friend who I think may have loved me like a brother, but there were parts of his behavior that lead me to suspect that it was an act because he didn't want to be lonely.

I've loved and trusted all of them in the past but I'm at a point where I just don't feel like I can trust anyone in my life anymore. I feel so emotionally stunted and I have other accounts that I've used to drum up emotional support from internet strangers who I only know briefly through text interactions because that's the closest I've come to genuine positive interaction with people who want nothing from me. I genuinely don't know how to proceed and I've come to realize that every second of existing is completely draining to me.

I can't afford therapy and I don't think I could trust them either. I keep getting told how life should be fun and you should rely on your friends and family to keep you going but even when I was a child and teenager I never felt like I was having fun or that I could actually relax around others. I'm realizing this now and I don't want to assume that I'm unlovable, but at this point the thought is starting to creep into my mind.