⚠️I’m having a panic attack, so I might say something triggering or regrettable. Brief mention of self harm, and re-reading it could be insulting. Read at own risk. Stay safe.⚠️

I haven’t gone out with friends since the Super Bowl 

I don’t want to hurt them. I feel like they’re better off if I fade away and they forget I’ve ever existed.

I’ve been with my boyfriend now for 2 years, and I keep waiting for our relationship to end in flames. I’ve stopped going to gatherings with him so he could be free of me. He says he misses me, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s because I got into his head.

He says I’m not obsessive, but now that I know that I am., I can’t risk that side of me coming out. He’s the first boyfriend I’ve ever had, and he says he considers our relationship healthy, but I keep waiting to fuck it up. I’m worried he’ll leave me, but he says his sister is borderline, and I’m not as bad as her.

My self harm is impossible now, and that’s fine, I don’t miss it. It used to focus my thoughts and make me calm, now every time I do it I just think ‘borderline, borderline!’ Now it just makes things worse. Plus I worry my boyfriend will see it. I don’t want that.

I’ve deconstructed everybody in my life and have reasons for why they’re not pure evil or pure good. No more splitting. It wasn’t hard, I’ve never believed in good or evil to begin with. Silly concepts, being an atheist helped me there.

I’ve tried to throw everything borderline out of my life to prove to myself I don’t have it. But I still feel guilty talking to people. I still feel guilty telling people what to do. I still feel guilty being a leader. I feel guiltily having a voice.

I even feel guilty petting my own dogs. When will I hurt them? I feel like a ticking bomb and the only thing I can think to do is bury myself and wait quietly to die.

Has anyone else felt this pain?