I’m not sure why I’m writing this, I guess to just get things off my chest in an anonymous environment. I don’t know if I have depression or not and I refuse to self-diagnose myself however over the past year and a half I’ve noticed that I’ve been experiencing a lot of symptoms which could be related to depression such as trouble sleeping, lack of energy, no enjoyment in previous hobbies and a feeling of unhappiness most days. I tried to kill myself last year the night before my birthday while drunk and I guess that was my realisation that there was something wrong but for some reason I still can’t help myself. I’ve been to therapy but didn’t feel like it helped, maybe it was because of the therapist themselves or maybe it was me, I’m still not sure. I’ve never spoken to a doctor about it which I believe comes down to a fear of being diagnosed with a mental illness and being treated differently due to it. I guess that’s why I refuse to tell people about my struggles as I don’t want people’s sympathy nor do I want to be treated differently or given special conditions due to it. However, I know this isn’t sustainable as I’ve had to drop out of university which I worked hard to get into as I couldn’t cope, and lied to people that I simply didn’t enjoy the course. Most areas of my life are simply unfulfilling now as I’ve lost all motivation, and work a basic day-to-day job which is fine but I know I could be doing so much more. I’ve cut off contact with most of my friends and have no girlfriend anymore due to low self-esteem, since I look ill from sleep struggles, poor diet and lack of exercise, coupled with a seemingly unrelenting pornography addiction which I can’t seem to get rid of. I struggle to do simple daily tasks out with getting ready in the morning and going to work and once I get home I have no energy or motivation to do much more more than lie and bed and try sleep or watch tv. I don’t eat properly, I sleep poorly and don’t do much in-between. At this point I am no longer living I am simply existing, but struggle to see a way out. I wish I could go back 2 years when every part of my life was fulfilling and it seemed like I had my whole life ahead of me, I had a girlfriend, enjoyed my hobbies, had an active social life and while I still had issues I had effective coping methods to deal with them and they never impacted my life significantly. I’m embarrassed when I meet people from my old high school and often end up lying about my situation rather than telling them the truth. I’m not sure if any of this makes the slightest bit of sense or is even coherent but it has made me feel slightly better to be able to get everything off my chest.