I split on her and broke up with her over a really complicated situation and I'm deeply regretting it now and acknowledging it was all my fault and everything I was thinking and saying and worrying over was a figment of my mind because of things from two years ago, and she got tired of proving that she cared and I just can't help it as much as I want to change it because I used to be neglected a lot and had a severely abusive mom for two decades (a decade after she and dad divorced when I was ten) before finally moving out and then an abusive ex who cheated on me (to which I got cheated on by another person after dating him too) and broke up with me 10+ times and sexually coerced me a bunch and raped me and I grew up being bullied and told I was stupid and retarded and etc etc bottom line, I've been neglected and lied to all my life, but I feel bad for sounding like a martyr because I know it's all my fault for being so angry and paranoid and letting that get the best of me

and I'm just worried she sees me as the 'crazy bpd ex' now and it honestly fucking hurts to imagine that because I tried so hard to atone for something whenever I thought I did something wrong, I'd apologize as politely as I could and explain my mistake and ask her to let me know if I did anything wrong so that we could fix it, I let her know I loved her a lot and was even scared to say it too much sometimes and I don't know

I don't know anymore I'm just hurt over everything