I’d like to start this off by saying I’m only 22 (I know, very young to be married but I’m also extremely impulsive.) Before I got married 4 years ago (we’ve been together 5) every single one of my relationships ended after they decided I was way too clingy, unstable, and too expressive of my loving feelings to the point where I was codependent. I even thought I found my soulmate when I was 15 and sometimes still think that was it for me. I have no close friendships of my own because I self sabotaged every single one of them thinking they hated me or had malicious intentions. I’m now unable to form real friendships for the same reason. I also can’t maintain a 9-5, but do pretty well as an entrepreneur although even that isn’t stable because my whole identity seems to switch up and I can’t latch to one single concept. 

Anyway, the first year or two my now husband and I were together, it was good. He makes me laugh harder than anyone else, we have a lot in common, he’s very patient and understanding (which is what I need,) and I felt like we connected very well. He really is my best friend. However, I don’t know if he was ever my FP. The last 3 years I’ve found myself CONSTANTLY splitting on him. And I mean like to the point where he breathes and I hate it. I find anything I can to push my dislike towards him and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s not right for me or if it goes back to me hating myself. I get triggered by how close his relationship is with his mom (mine was very abusive) and constantly take everything she says as her trying to drive a wedge between us or manipulate me and question if my thoughts are even valid sometimes. I also can’t tell if he’s gaslighting me half the time and if he is, I can’t tell if it’s intentionally or not. Usually when I split on people, I obsess over them and then hate them. With him, I hate him and then view him as a good friend after because he’s not my FP and it all makes me feel horribly guilty. However, I feel like I couldn’t live without him (literally, I feel so unstable I’d probably be on the streets and I’m also far too attached) 

He’s been so patient with me, and it feels like I’m somehow self sabotaging. During my bigger spirals when my brain is racing, I feel trapped and constantly think I need to randomly leave him and start a new life.  I express it to him every time and I know it hurts him. I also know that it’s hard for him to have to deal with my ups and downs and listen to my excessive tangents thinking everyone hates me. I’ve done so much therapeutic work, I’m on medication now, and the BPD still manages to creep through heavily. There are lots of highs too, but I still don’t feel like I have a real identity and I’m constantly craving a new start even though they’ll probably all end the same way. He really doesn’t deserve all of this, but I know he’d never be the one to leave. I spent so much time being a hopeless romantic and I can’t do it for him. 

Is there hope of a long lasting stable relationship with BPD? Should I just continue riding it out knowing that any other relationship might end up being unstable? Is it possible that my BPD could progressively improve and things might change? Is it a bad thing to always want change?