You know when you act or say a certain thing and you immediately know you’re portraying yourself differently as how you really are? Like, when words get all twisted up and don’t come out how you want them to come out? That’s kinda what my personality feels like. I’d say that the person with whom I am the closest and probably best knows me or knows me deeper in a certain version of myself is my best friend. Version cause I feel like things really change from one environment to another one (like a friendly environment vs a family one). She’s the only person who I’m able to talk to about almost everything, with the rest of the people, specially my family, I feel like I’m blocked, I want to say certain things or open up about my feelings but I find it awkward and I just can’t (I think I may be getting better at it tho). I always replay and replay the words I want to say in order to gain courage and say them. Like when you’re in class and feel shy to ask a question or when you want to order a pizza, like that but with expressing certain feelings. My family is pretty open, they listen and they don’t judge but I feel blocked. And I know this is messy and contradictory but I do let myself cry or be vulnerable around my family even tho I can’t open up all that well where as with my friends I don’t let myself get emotional even tho it’s easier to open up to them (?). I feel like I am this weak person around my family and a strong one around my friends. 

Oh and DAE feel very delicate to touch when crying, If I’m crying I cannot handle someone touching me, I kind of act as if I were grossed out and don’t want them near, which I’m not (grossed out) but I’m extra delicate idk. I just find it weird when people comfort others when crying, for me it’s the last thing I want. I don’t think it’s an atypical thing tho, I know many people feel that way. 


This text is pretty much everywhere, I’m sorry, my thoughts feel disorganized.