This feels stupid, but i need to process it. So yeah, idk.

I fell for this girl in 1st year of high school. Like, i fell fucking hard. I was an idiot tho, and i didn't know how that sort of thing worked, so i thought if i just became friends with her and told her eventually it might work. Of course it didn't. After that, we sort of drifted away, mainly because i was so ashamed of my stupidity and i wished i had never told her, and just let the feeling die (mainly because we were amazing friends and i didn't want to have to distance myself after that bomb).

We remained more or less in touch tho, and i still felt strongly about her. Took me to half the 3rd year for me to stop feeling the same way. After that, it's just... a weird thing. I still love her. I love her a lot. She's one of the most special people i have ever met. But, even if i didn't feel like i wanted to be only friends with her, i didn't feel romantically about her anymore either. I didn't want to \*be with her\*, but i wanted to to be close to her, closer than i feel i am. Or at least that's what i thought.

Found out today she's dating a guy. He's cool, he's a friend of mine too, although i don't know him for nearly as much time as i do her. It shouldn't affect me, since, as i said, i don't feel romatically about her anymore, right?  
Well, it felt bad. Really bad. It felt like a hit.

It sort of stopped me on my tracks. I walked away from the computer and lied down in my bed, and i don't know exactly how it happened now, but my brain started spiralling down into absolute despair. At a point i just found myself sobbing in the bathroom, thinking about how "i'm going to be lonely forever, no one will ever understand how i feel, no one will ever embrace me as a close friend, and i'll never be able to trust anyone". It just went right back to the trauma as well. Idk, i think i've been at this dark of a place only 2 other times, and those 2 other times were attempts.

I don't know what type of response that was. Idk if it was jealousy. Idk if i felt like she betrayed me somehow. I know i'm afraid of the answer to that and rn i feel like the worst piece of shit on earth. Like, i'm afraid i subconsciously feel like she owes me something or shit like that, idk.  


Just needed to vent this, but if you feel like saying something, feel free, honestly. Maybe you have the answer i'm looking.