My therapist told me he left because he respected himself. She said it 3 times. He respects himself, he respects himself, he respects himself. She said : ‘’It’s not that he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love your crises.’’ 

And now I’m wondering what my crises are? When I listen to women talking about stories of abuse, I feel like I’m both the victim and the abuser. But just being the abuser a tiny little percent makes me feel disgusting. What did I do? 

I threw my phone on the wall, I cried all night, I raised my voice, I cried all night, I told him he was immature, that he was passive, I cried again. I cut myself. I had suicidal thoughts, I wanted to hang myself. I told him to leave my apartment, that I was hurt too much. I ask him to tell me I was the best all over again. Fuck, I’m an abuser. I can’t remember everything because I was drunk most of the time, but I feel so much shame. SHAME.

And then I talk to my friends. They say I’m not crazy. They say I’m a wonderful person. They say I deserve someone who will understand mental issues, someone with empathy. They say he was triggering me all the time. They said he knew about my addiction but still offered me alcohol. They said he knew I was sensitive so why have sex with me after he broke up? They say he was in fact immature and that he was shallow so it was hard for him to understand the impact of my traumas. They said a lot of things.

And after all of this reassurance from my friends… I still feel like shit. I still feel shame. SHAME. So I was a total bitch with my ex, but I’m also being a manipulator with my friends? That’s the reason they say those beautiful things to me. Holy shit.

I want to find middle ground. I want to believe that some environment or people can make my toxic patterns worse, that it’s not only MY fault. That some people can see a fire and just put some oil on it to see it explodes. I desperately want to believe that because I feel there’s an imp inside my brain stabbing me over and over again. But again, if I don’t take responsibility for my actions, maybe I am the imp stabbing people all around me?