We had an amazing few months before  we had a couple of fights that got exacerbated by my BPD. Last Thursday we were talking after I had a stressful week of taking my dad to the ER, the first time in his 82 years. We were supposed to go to a 2 day festival and she had given her friend my ticket because we were still arguing prior and I had blocked her as a defense mechanism the previous week and she didn't want to go alone. I tried to accept it, said something negative about her friend, which she had not named so I painted the worst picture in my head, it was a mutual friend of ours... and she took it personal and hung up on  me.   


That's when I split and went into a 3 hour rampage. I sent her the worst text messages/voice messages a human should never hear. I brought up every single insecurity she ever revealed to me and used it against her. I even made a post make fun of her passive aggressively.   


She never responded to any of it. The next day, day 1 of the festival, I went ahead and bought myself my own, new ticket, and went by myself. I drove the 2 hours by myself and walked miles to the venue. I saw her for a split second, within the first 30 minutes of arriving for the 9 hour evening. I saw her turn to me and I turned away and ran into the crowd. I didn't want to upset her. I wanted to apologize but I also didn't want to ruin her time.   


I stayed at the festival pretty late, left by myself and went home. Texted her. That was 1am on Saturday.   


The last few days I've been mulling over it, just wanting to apologize to her, just wanting her to know she is not the things I called her. That it was the monster I've been trying to fight my entire life inside of me that said those things. Not me. Not my heart. I don't think anyone should have to deal with such verbal abuse. I'm proud of her in a lot of ways for not putting up with it and truly blocking me.   


I spent the last 14 months unemployed. I completed about 9 months of retraining into a new field and started my new job today. I love it.   


My boss was playing music that they played at the festival while he was training me. It made me miss her even more. I wanted to tell her "I love my new job". It fits my personality very well and it's what I'm good at. The new environment is also psychologically good for me. She was so excited when I got the offer 2 weeks ago. The festival was supposed to be part of that celebration.  


Right now I'm running a data recover program on my PC to try to get back the pictures of her I deleted during that 3 hour rage last Thursday. I miss her face so much. She's so beautiful. I also saw she hadn't blocked me on Twitter, so I sent her a message a few hours ago.   


I just bought the BPD Workbook by Dr. Fox and am about 25% through it. It's helping so far. I wish I started it sooner. I'm excited to do more of it and learn more about how I can tame that monster that is my BPD.   


I'm looking forward to my second day of work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to not being able to tell her about it. Or not knowing how her day was. Missing her hurts me.   


I'm sorry Alex. I love you Alex.