Specifically I’m realizing this because I want to change my name, which she knows and says is fine, but I told her I don’t know what I want to change it to yet. At first that was true, but I found a name I absolutely love several weeks ago, and I can’t tell her? I don’t even know how I’d word bringing it up. I mean, I wouldn’t bring it up, that’s the problem. But also the last time she asked, which would have been the perfect and easiest time to say something, I lied and said I don’t know. 

I’m like this with literally everything too. If I want someone to know  something I’ll sometimes try to get them to bring it up (and then sometimes even then I end up not answering honestly) or leave subtle hints that logically i realize no one who’s not a mind reader would ever figure out, but can’t tell them directly.

I don’t know if this is a BPD thing or an anxiety thing or a me thing? I just wish I could change my name secretly without having to tell anyone because I’ve tried so hard and I literally can’t and I don’t know why? 