I'm a college student 22M and I don't know why I'm so unmotivated to live. I don't have a social life or any real friends to talk to when I'm feeling like this. I'm doing good in my education and I even got a part-time job and I've a good family which makes me feel like shit because with the privilege that I have I shouldn't be feeling like this. Some days I cry myself to sleep and idk even why I'm crying about I'm just tired man. Sometimes I have thoughts of killing myself but I usually give myself the excuse of making my mom sad after she did so much to raise me  This week I got diagnosed with high blood pressure and last night was feeling signs of a heart attack(which I read about some time ago) and then I got scared that I was going to die but I shouldn't have been. This was ideal for me since my family will live knowing I died to a medical illness and not suicide and it'd be easier to get over. But me being scared to die made me even angrier because the real reason I'm still alive is because I'm too much of a bitch to kill my self and I sobbed for what felt like an hour. I don't tell my family how I feel because they will just tell me to turn to God more and It isn't normal for a man of my age to cry so I just keep it to myself and it's hurting me more. I hate feeling like this and I don't know what to do