I was diagnosed with BPD about 6 months ago. In some ways it’s been a relief to understand what happens in my brain. Nearly every relationship I’ve had as an adult has been tumultuous, but they keep getting progressively worse.


I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 4 years; we lived together for 3. During that time, I didn’t really do much “snooping” and betraying of privacy until near the end of the relationship. I’d still be jealous and ask for reassurance that I wouldn’t be left, but I wouldn’t go so far as to go through phones/Facebook/etc. until near the end. When I did, I found my ex talking about how perfect his ex - from when he was 16 - was, his Aunt telling him he should marry her, him talking about how beautiful she was, a list comparing her to me and why she was infinitely better…to my face he would tell me I wasn’t good at what I was studying at university, that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I didn’t work out enough. It went on and on. When I was going to leave him, he begged me to stay and told me he was only mean because he didn't want me to think I could leave him for someone else...


Then I had a relationship where a guy was back online dating behind my back, despite having me meet his family and was snapchatting with girls he called “sluts”.


Then I dated a guy who seemed crazy about me, but whose ex girlfriend was often around and extra rude to me — making comments about my boyfriend and running her hands down his arms when she said hello. I progressively got more entrenched in BPD-brain and anxiety over whether he really liked me. We broke up. He ended up going back and dating his ex.


Now I’m with an amazing guy who has been so supportive. Who loves me through all of the tantrums, who reassures me. I’ve met his family, friends, we spend every day together and I’m included in nearly every aspect of his life, while still keeping our own interests. I went through his phone pretty early in the relationship. He wasn’t angry, and said he understood the urge but that he thought it best we respect each other’s privacy. Since then I’ve done it a few more times,and told him. I went through his computer and found old sex tapes from exes that he said he forgot even existed because he never goes on his computer (that’s true, he’s somewhat computer illiterate and doesn’t use it often - maybe once a month.) Whenever I’ve gone through his phone, I’ve never found anything really. Some conversations with exes that are harmless. One time found that he had kept a few (non-naked) photos from exes on his phone even after clearing it — he said it was a ‘timeline for his life’ and they were references for if someone asked about an ex and couldn’t remember them, there was a photo there. I didn’t understand and was pretty upset.


Other than those two incidents, there hasn’t been anything to make me feel like he would be unfaithful. For the past few months I haven’t done any snooping and have been working really hard to change that behaviour. But, Saturday night, I was having a major episode, hacked into his Facebook by resetting his password with my phone (I know, awful), and scrolled through 4 years worth of Facebook messages. I saw sexts with exes, with girls he was casually dating, so many intimate conversations I shouldn’t have seen and didn’t ever want to see. I had been looking for reassurance that I wasn’t about to be left, or cheated on, or compared to someone else. But I just kept going. 


The next morning, I told him what happened. He forgave me, but then while he was at a seminar I kept messaging him about other things I found. The conversation I saw where he was upset that an ex asked him to delete a recent sex video. The comments about how sex was amazing with some ex. I was just not even myself. I know BPD is no excuse for actions, but it felt like I was possessed and just so scared that I was back in a situation where I wasn’t really wanted or with someone untrustworthy, or just with someone who wasn't *good*. It made me doubt all of my belief in him and in myself. I've spent every day with him for a year.

He flipped. Blocked me from Facebook, Instagram, told me to get out of the house…last night he was more calm and said he still loved me. But things are still so off. I feel devastated today. I know that what I did was despicable and I’m so ashamed. I wish he knew how it felt to be in that moment. I know that I’m responsible for my actions and behaviour, and I’m appalled and how far I fell :( 


Has anyone else had these experiences? Any advice? I'm on a waitlist for a DBT therapist, am hoping to get into a group session as well, and have been talking to a Dr. friend about medication...I feel like I've made so much progress in the past 3-4 months, and now it just feels like I unravelled it all on Saturday night.


**TL;DR: It feels like every time I tell myself not to ‘snoop’, I think “This could be the time you find the bad stuff. If you hadn’t snooped you wouldn’t have known that B was comparing you to his ex. If you hadn’t snooped, you wouldn’t have realized that R was sexting random girls and still online dating.” I hate that I do it, but I’m also terrified. I don’t trust anyone anymore.**