I (35f) have struggled with depression and anxiety since 14. At times it led to inpatient treatment on a psych unit in my late teens early 20s (I used to self harm and was always getting stitches or staples but now have stopped). What I'm going through now is a new level and I'm pretty disturbed but can't find a solution that will help. I stay in the room I rent for most of my time unless I go smoke. I can't get myself to do the most basic tasks to take care of myself. I haven't showered or brushed my hair in around a week for example. I just can't do it no matter how much I need to or what I tell myself it's like I'm paralyzed everytime I think about it. I have no meds to combat the anxiety so the only thing that helps is alcohol, and I'm a daily drinker anyway. I feel sad and when that gets unbearable or I start to cry I smoke meth (addict of 5 or 6 years). While these substances are very harmful without them I would have killed myself years ago. I'm alone all the time and rarely speak to another human so there is the normal desire for human connection that is never met and because of social anxiety I struggle to e en speak to new people, much less am able to build a connection. The guy I was seeing left me because in reality he was just using me for sex and with previous in mind building a connection for a romantic relationship is impossible. I can't work due to mental health issues and the assistance I get doesn't cover what I need in a month and there's no way to increase it. On the people front, once people find out I don't work I don't get the time of day because they view me as beneath them and potential partners pass over you because they want someone financially stable. So I don't see myself ever with another SO or even friends for that matter. I stay in my room, sleep if I can and am using substances so I don't kill myself. I'm in therapy but I'm exactly the same if not worse than I was two years ago. There's no progress. She's just a nice lady who listens to me. I can't afford a private practice and probably need one. There goes the idea of getting better that way.

I can't keep doing this. I'm so alone with nobody to talk to ever and now I can't even take care of myself. I'm starting to give suicide a serious thought. Read a suicide guide and am in the process of acquiring the means. This won't change and I'll always be alone with no direction or purpose other than getting fucked up to cope. I am a disappointment to my family, an embarrassment to myself and just can't wait until I'm gone so nobody hurts me and I don't have to live another 35 years or so in this kind of pain. Less than 2 weeks I'm thinking. And then this will be over. I'm being very dark but I've tried everything I've been told to. Nothing works. At some point somethings gotta give. And I guess it'll happen when I follow through in two weeks. It'll never get better history proves it'll get worse so I'm done