I am very cautious about labelling what's depression and what's not. From whatever mental issues I've been through, I think depression is the most debilitating. There is nothing that feels good to me and people that used to make me happy annoy me now. I don't suffer from depression but I am having the worst episode of it. I have chronic pain and usually only experienced anxiety and panic attacks. But now I feel hopeless and I seriously don't see a future. I am in a relationship which I wish I could make work but I know there are limits to humans and it would be wrong to hold someone to yourself when both of you see life differently.

I don't want to kill myself or think about it but when I think about the future I see nothing. I try to do things that I've loved in the past and it's just blank. It's agonizing to just sit there and not be able to experience the love you had for the work. Makes one feel useless which just spirals into self disgust.

I also feel nostalgic and for me nostalgia is the most depressing thing cause I love past and my childhood and I wish I could live it again. I need therapy which I feel like not getting. Maybe breaking some glasses and screaming might help. I don't want to be at this place. As much as I don't have hope I still don't want to be depressed. And I don't think therapy is going to work. I am so stubborn and my mind just doesn't let me do things. It doesn't let feelings and thoughts and associations mingle which is a smart thing but also has a grave downside to it. 

With pain, it feels like being crippled but some days are better than the others. Your life is so uncertain and you can't do stuff on a regular basis which again plays into the depression. At this point I feel like I need to be begged to do anything because life doesn't seem like worth living. I could rather be a rock. 
I have also started thinking I'm a narcissist because many people tell me that and their projection seems to work. I know I'm not but that's my persona to some people. I guess self loathing comes in various forms. 
That's my experience with a bad depressive episode. Thank you for reading.