I (24y/o) am writing this to share my experiences with SSRIs and benzodiazepines as an adolescence. I also want to mention beforehand that I am in no way attempting to disparage antidepressants or those who rely on them to help cope with a mental health disorder. 

When I was 9 years old I was prescribed Vyvanse for ADHD. I have always been a very energetic person. Even in my mid 20s I find it hard to stay still for long, and often experience an "overactive" mind.  I was formally diagnosed with a panic disorder when I was 12 years old, however I remember having my first panic attack when I was 7. Around 8th grade is when they became less sporadic and my parents who at this time had been seperated for a decade, decided to put me on antidepressants. I was prescribed a low dose of Xanax for panic attack at school, and Zoloft on a daily basis. I only took Xanax for about a month before I saw an episode of "Intervention" in which a woman was addicted to the medication, leading me to refuse taking it. I was promptly put on Klonipin, though my anxiety and panic attacks persisted. By the middle of 8th grade I could hardly complete a full day of school without having a panic attack and breaking down. Growing up I was bullied in school, but it never affected me to such a degree. It was more of a nuisance than anything else. I wonder if my panic disorder stems from my parents' custody battle and abuse at home and my lack of feeling in control. At this point it was hard to even go places I loved going to. Bowling alleys, skating rinks, parks, malls, anywhere I went I risked having a panic attack and feeling like I was going to die. 

Going into highschool I was put on Paxil. The panic attacks didn't go away. I only spent a total of two months in a public highschool setting before enrolling in virtual schooling. My mother had my psychiatrist try Effexor, Wellbutrin, Vistaril, then back to the Zoloft/Klonipin regimine. Throughout all of this I felt little emotion. I believe the clinical term is emotional blunting or apathy. I hardly laughed, never cried, didn't want friends. I didn't have a "highschool experience". No prom or homecoming. No cute first date with a crush. No football games or any of that junk. The strange thing about all of this is when I finally took myself off the pills when I turned 19, I hardly had any memories between the ages of 13-18. When I think back to my childhood all I can remember are things that happened from 2-12. I can decribe a tree in the front yard of my house in 2005, but couldn't begin to tell you what my first time driving a car was like. Looking back on those 5 years is like looking through a dense fog. 

I wish my parents would have worked harder at getting along. I wish they would have given my CBT more of a chance. I feel like I lost so much in those few years that I'm never going to get back. Those pills made me a weird, lifeless person. Now that I am free of them I finally feel what it was like to live all those years ago, before the fog took me. 

Again, this post isn't intended to vilify antidepressants or shame anyone who takes them. This is my own experience and everyone's brain is different. There isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to medication for mental health.