i’ve been obsessing over this one person for a couple of days since meeting them at a bbq - we were friends of friends.

they’re someone i find eminently interesting and so naturally i quickly attached. maybe it’s the bpd or being demisexual, but finding someone interesting and nice to be around results in immediate attraction. i’ve only recently been able to completely move on from my fp and ngl this is kinda stressful.

they have a lot of social anxiety too which i find endearing and we talked a lot about interesting stuff, but with awkward pauses and stuff occasionally since i think we were both way out of our element. i tried to keep using grounding techniques throughout but eventually my mind just got away from me and i went brazy with the inattentivity and spaceyness. once it was over i left and sat on a curb for like 20 minutes, mostly just letting myself decompress but also really beating myself up for getting so fatigued over negative self talk. i just wanted to make a good impression and i feel like i could’ve done a better job of managing my anxiety. it was just so overwhelming to make a connection like that again after having the same fp for so long that i just short-circuited and fell in and out of dissociation. it hit me out of nowhere. usually i’m good in tough social situations like that.

i don’t know, i’m feeling pretty fucking down and out right now. i like this person a lot but i really don’t know if i made a lasting impression and i really, really want a second round to smooth things out. do i even want another fp? is my brain giving me a choice? am i just obsessed with this person, or do i actually like them? am i just making all of this up and everything actually went well? i’ve made a bit of progress since the last time i felt like this and i just don’t want to hurt them. i dont know if this feeling is gonna get better if i keep trying to get to know them. i’m also terrified i won’t get another round. i know these feelings well, but i’ve never gotten used to them.

my mind is just a wreck. i drank coffee before the date and that always makes me anxious, but it was just an impulsive move so i could break the ice easier. god i wish i was less nervous. i cant stop thinking about how i could’ve done that better. that fucking sucks. i don’t know how im gonna sleep tonight. fucking hell.

hope they’re open to meeting up again