I’m sorry but being given responses like “just accept urself 🥺” “learn self love 🥺” never helps me because that’s literally not what I want at all

I JUST want to feel better than everyone, superior. I feel so ostracized and below everyone else that’s what makes me hate myself. I don’t even want other people to like me I just want to be secure knowing I’m not a loser.  

I want to be gorgeous and attractive and effortlessly talented in my own way. I want to make people hate themselves when I’m around them I want everyone to feel jealous of me. I want people to be too scared to ever question me or talk down on me because they’d know I’m better. 

I hate feeling weak and powerless like I am. I’m so disgusted with myself I can’t look in the mirror anymore, I have to pretend to look differently in my head so I don’t break into tears during school. I refused to get senior pictures taken because I’m so scared of someone seeing my face in the yearbook and making fun of me

I seethe knowing that people around me can see my face everyday and know that they’re more attractive than me. My face is ugly and it also makes me feel stupid. I ruined my only friendship out of paranoia that she thought she was better than me and was shit talking me. I I hated her and I was so so so jealous to the point I would fantasize abt being better than her when I would literally kill to be her 

None of this is because of what others have told me so I know it’s true