It's a part of my childhood that I don't want to process for some reason. But I can remember my brother doing shit like pinning me down and kneeling on my shoulders and tapping my chest with his knuckle (it was like torture, all i could do was flail my legs about but once he had a knee on each shoulder, I couldn't do shit). i also remember my cousin being verbally abusive and quite passive aggressive. At some point, I remember the two of them, and the girl next door, sort of forming a group and excluding me and my cousin from it (there is a lot more to this story and weird shit was going on between my cousin and the girl next door and my brother). Me and my cousin were both bullied and sort of turned against eachother. I've always felt bad about being a shitty cousin to him actually. He stayed with us when I was in full hermit mode and I dind't talk to him much because I hated having any change to the stable and non-triggering environment I had created for myself. I can remember that trying to complain to my parents was pointless because I was the "bad child" and he was the golden child. I actually remember being punished for doing almost nothing while he could do shit like that to me (he had other forms of physical bullying but the knee-shoulder chest tap was the worst) and never got punished. I don't remember him ever being in trouble actually and I was always in fucking trouble, and it honestly wasn't my fault a lot of the time because my mother would start drama, or make up a crazy rule and then punish me when I defended myself (reason I'm good at arguing even if I didnt argue with people unless I was drunk for a long time. My parents always said I'd make a good lawyer).

I think about my childhood a lot but I don't think about that pain for some reason. Is it possible I processed that during my childhood, or is it another unprocessed set of memories and emotions that guides me subconsciously? I don't even remember ever telling anyone outside my family about any of this shit and I remember my friends also assumed I was the bad kid in the family (I was tough to deal with for a while but had my life destroyed and then received 0 empathy, and was actually blamed by my family for every emotional reaction)

Maybe it's because it's a standard type of pain. It's natural for older siblings to bully younger siblings. Or maybe this was exactly how I handled being harassed and bullied two years ago, not communicating to anyone outside my family and having my family completely invalidate me about it, and now I' m finally expressing the pain of my childhood as well as the pain of the situation that caused me to re-experience my childhood.

There's a lot more shit to the whole fucked up situation that happened when my cousins family came to live with us when I was little. I don't think I could process how the girl next door had been so overtly sexual with me and I didn't know what to do, and then I remember being weirded out by how her and my (older) cousin were towards eachother (just going for it when she used to sit on my lap and arch her back and moan lightly would've changed everything but maybe I would've just ended up like a lot of other dudes that I don't wanna be like. Autism is weird. I really didn't know what was going on and had guilt about sex too. Probably because of moving to america and having teachers and sex-ed shit tell me I should wait, and not receiving any advice on women (or anything really) from either parent. But I think I just recently started to think about this shit and how obviously turned on she was and how hot that could've been. Probably TMI, and this isn't a brag because thinking about it causes me nothing but pain now)

I was wondering if this couldve been a reason that my brother was drawn to another girl I had a crush on for a long time. I think weird stuff happened with this girl and my cousin and brother and they all knew that she wanted me first. I believe it's not just things that are done to you that are traumatizing, but things you do to others. Anytime you can't process the feelings of a situation, you've been traumatized IMO. So maybe that was part of the reason my brother made me feel guilty for not wanting him to date my former best friend (saying he didn't see why it would bother me) and love interest (a girl that later tried with me but I ran away). Then I said they could date because he was really lonely and we were at a party and he was not aggressive enough with a blonde girl and then got really angry the next day and seemed really depressed and I kinda said he could date this girl on a whim (I had already had to walk in on them making out at a july 4th party at my house and I just went numb emotionally)

I was thinking that this might be where my paranoia about any girl I like sleeping with people I know comes from. And I wonder if I would try to subconsciously bring about a repetition of the trauma. this girl then tried to sleep with a lot of my friends (I think i was unconsciously punishing her by not showing interest but I didn't feel attracted to her after all that), and I suspect she did sleep with quite a few of them. She was definitely BPD looking back but I didn't even know what that was back then. I can also remember going to the city one night and she was trying to dance with me (I was dancing with one of her friends) and she freaked out and then hooked up with one of my friends roommates. Then she waited until the rest of us went back to his place to drive home and she initiated sex again, which I heard (for some reason I really didn't care). But the friend told me that she had initiated the sex after we all came in, so I think it was to get back at me.

I'm rambling and this is stream of consciousness and I don't know what point I'm trying to make because I veered off subject. But it appears that there are some men that are drawn to repeat the trauma of missing out on opportunities and then having that person get with, or date, someone they like. And that a lot of BPD women are maybe compelled to repeat traumas in different ways. Or maybe it's just a very poor, and spiteful, coping mechanism that some women have developed, that a specific type of man always becomes the target of. I believe doing this to someone is traumatizing for the woman too though and that it's a pattern of behavior that will make everyone hate you. That might sound harsh, but it's the truth. I think a better idea would be to change course and risk vulnerability and sexual rejection with closed off men. I would argue that if you've picked up sexual signals, the likelihood of being rejected would be very low anyway

These men show signals in different ways. I could not be sexual with women without feeling overwhelmed with guilt and wanting to apologize. So, I would show it by being nice, by trying to talk to people, basically everything but hinting at sex or sending normal signals. Not exactly attractive to someone used to having guys be aggressive. But i would argue that the inverse, being the aggressor, would be a very big turn on as well.

It is important that you do this in private though. As in, if you're at a party, try to get them a lone before you make a move. I could never even try to hit on girls in front of people without getting very flustered. I would ignore all signals from women unless we were alone too. And most of these men are the same. If they're like me, they'll be very open to advice and sort of enjoy having a girl coach them into being sexual. Once you've gotten them comfortable being sexual, you can even start teaching them some moves and shit. And eventually you can probably even bring an aggressive side out of them. I believe men like this are usually very open to advice, criticism and are open to anything once you unleash the sexual beast.

I should've made two posts but all of this shit is kind of tied together. I'm writing this because I think there's a certain type of man that cluster b girls adore and vice-versa and they're the ones getting hurt the most because of dynamics that I don't think anyone who hasnt been through it could figure out. It's really tragic. Remember that these men would also rather be someone you slept with and then freaked out on than to never know what it would've been like.

I hope this helps because I've seen this shit happen before. Kanye and taylor would be the biggest example because I have no doubt that taylor wanted to get with kanye before he turned into a huge asshole and that 808s was inspired by taylor, kim, and a bunch of other cluster b girls that couldn't understand why kanye was the way he was and probably did this shit to him. I believe my beautiful dark twisted fantasy was a reaction to this because kanye probably figured he got rejected for not being enough of an asshole, instead of because he was oblivious. ALso, look how taylor reacted to the recent "famous" controversy, by posting pictures with, and probably sleeping with, Drake. Most people can't comprehend why he was trashing drake at one of his shows during psychosis but I would feel very betrayed if I changed music forever and then had a bunch of people turn on me too. But Kanye did also bring it on himself by acting the way he did. But going in the complete opposite direction is not right either, as you can see with kanye and jay-z, who I believe were both shy and reserved as children and became boastful and arrogant. One is psychotic and out of his mind the other is a businessman and a sellout, who pretends to be kanyes best friend but never takes his side on anything (while simultaneously totally ripping off his sound and then leaving him to be socially crucified by most of america). Jay-z is also image obsessed, whereas kanye does not give a fuck (but has gone mad to the point of not even being coherent anymore) Also, kanye was trying to make a statement about white bias at the grammys when he stood up for beyonce, and was also defending jay-z's wife. Something jay-z was too cowardly to do.