It feels so weird, almost like a joke. Like seriously, how hard does life want to fuck me? All these horrible things happening, the chronic suicideality, the flashbacks that keep me awake for 8 hours and more at night, the sensitivity to light and noises, the ineffectiveness of 12 antidepressants and 3 mood-stabilizers and basically most medication so far. 

All the people dying, all my former friends making me and outcast due to being trans,. The 24/7 pain due to a pain disorder, the fucking fear I'm feeling all the time and not being able to hang out even with people that I love, doctors and therapists sending me home because they can't help me anymore (including very experienced therapists and doctors), having huge difficulties with intimacy due to body-contact, the fucked up blood levels, the high risks of other disorders, the constant sweating, always feelling like a monster due to my looks. The dizzyness, the problems with my intestines, the allergies, the fucking tinnitus I have since I've been a child and which is driving me insane, the shivering, the nervousness, the permanent guilt, the emptyness and much MUCH more while being mostly non-visible! 

It leads to me laughing about my disorders out of despair or feeling like crying because of them  when just thinking about it. Feeling not taken seriously enough, due to all the anguish and feeling like noone ever gets me makes me feel alone. I tried getting assisted suicide but none of the doctors I've visited want to help with writing the nescessary surverys. Hell, I have the highest rating of disability and got papers for it but all the doctors I visit say 'hm nah you look good, are only 27 and seem like you are quiete happy' Even when talking to them for a while or presenting 4 huge folders stating otherwise, it's still like 'yeah but whatever'.

I don't feel like I suffer more than others, I don't feel like I deserve empathy, I don't want others to feel sorry about me and I don't think others should suffer in any way, but I think one hefty diagnoses is enough for a single human being. 13? C'mon stop it

I feel ashamed for even thinking about talking about my disabilities. As mentioned, others don't see immediately that I have handicapps so I'm afraid of them thinking  I'm just trying to individuacate myself or look like someone that tries to make excuses, due to lookin neurotypical. I also don't want others feel bad about themselfs due to thinking their suffering is less than that of a person with more diagnoses.

In short: fuck my life and fuck me cause I shouln't even think about me being disadvantaged.