So, my living situation has been less than ideal for as long as i can remember. My dad is amazing and provides for my whole family, but he is also avoidant to the point where he’ll drink or explode with anger since he suppressed it for so long, the latter is very rare. I have always associated anger with my mother, there are a lot of aspects of her that definitely come from the ongoing cycle of toxic households. She is also basically raising my neice and nephew who live in with us.. which is where the abusive identities are introduced. My sister and her husband are insanely toxic and fight to the point of screaming in front of their kids, they will drag my mom into it and cause a great amount of anxiety and triggers towards my dad and I as we are the ones who usually have to be the mediators or the distraction to the children. My sister was horrible to me growing up. She lacked empathy when it came to any situation I was in and took all the attention from my parents, the best to do this for her was to cause fights and get into bad situations. I was labeled the good kid for just sitting there while my mother and sister screamed at eachother, and had to learn to avoid these situations because i felt like it would give my parents a break. I will say my sister and I’s relationship is pretty good now since she had my neice. 

I am going to thearpy, in my senior year of getting my bachelors, working as much as i can, and was able to get a small load of money due to a car crash. I have been wanting to move out since before I was eighteen. I will be twenty five in a few months and this has added to my anxiety and has lead to me getting diagnosed with PTSD. When home, i immediately go into this defense mechanism where i stay numb and cold faced towards basically  any interaction. I know when I move out I will be able to progress way more into my healing. one of the main things that holds me back is leaving my parents in this situation because I know my sister will most likely never move out and the cycle of her husband getting kicked out only to return a few days later is still a thing. I guess i mainly wanted to rant but also reach out to anyone who has been in a similar situation and if they have any advice.

Thank you (: