This might be a long and already done post but I had to get this off my chest since it's 10 pm right now. Also I'm sorry if this post sounds dumb and out of place...


So I've been struggling with watching anything for a few years now. I usually never made a big deal out of it cause it's normal and I will be able to fix it soon...


I don't really know what kind of genre I need to avoid cause now it seems like any movie or show makes me anxious. I loved watching the television when I was a kid and I watched anything and everything... It hurts that I can't really finish any movie or show in one sitting or like ever.


Today I was watching a kdrama that was about how the life of a psychopath serial killer affected those around him. This genre is a trigger for me but I love crime and thriller stuff. Always. I listen podcasts and even watch documentaries. 


But today while I sat and watched a 30 min episode, I tore all my finger nails. I've been trying to grow them for a few months and I even painted each nail a different color... I don't tear till they blead but it feels weird with small painted nails. They look ugly... After the kdrama I decided to watch a movie. It's about a guy who wakes up to a different face/body. I watched the english version of it years ago and I remember some bits and I also remember that I cried a little bit. I couldn't finish the today's movie. I think the thought of it making me cry made me anxious...


I'm just ... I feel so tired every single day from all the anxiety. I have gone for therapy and taken meds too but it's like I know I have to live with it. I know I can control it but I miss my old life. The one escape from reality I had by watching anything is going away from me and I don't know what to do. After all these years I can't make peace with it, I still fight the urge and watch things that affect me. I miss the tiny me who would come home after school and watch crime shows. The me who was the bravest and the smartest human being. Now I'm just a 20s something adult who's trying to stay alive from all the mini heart attacks I get every single day from the most dumbest things. I miss that girl. 


If you've read so far, I hope you have a happy day. I really mean it. The world can be a nasty place sometimes...