im tired of feeling like a defect

fearing rejection so i isolate myself 

fear of being abandoned so i stick to myself 

feeling so alone and not loving myself 
most times i don't even have a sense of self

tired of feeling like the odd one out even when no one else perceives it that way

tired of trying so hard to form connections with people or show them i care and having their disregard for your effort being blatantly thrown in your face

tired of wondering why i can't connect with people the way others do

tired of wondering if i'll ever truly feel a sense of belonging

tired of not knowing what pushed them away

tired of not knowing what will push the next person away

tired of wondering what's wrong with me
tired of feeling helpless to change it 
so tired
so sad
so alone 

i don't know what it means to feel good enough 
stability is so distant 
i was born fragmented 
just pieces of everything i see around me 
but the pieces don't make me whole at all 

im consumed by this void inside
and disparaged by my efforts to fill it 

i live in my head 
bc i can't cope with the uncertainty 
i can't cope with the fear of rejection 
i can't cope with the lack of identity 

hate feeling like a defect 
surely 
this isn't life 

any tips or advice would be helpful. i don't have a therapist and haven't in the 9 months since my diagnosis. im so tired of the instability. i've never wanted to be here. but im finally getting the courage to accept maybe im not actually meant to be . maybe God did make mistakes