Objectively I lead a good life. I acknowledge that I have no right to feel the way I do and I’m being weak and a cry baby. 

I work hard and the last year I work really really hard to get past a particularly difficult interview for a company and I might have to wait anything between 0-10 months for an offer and I may not get it. 

I want my mother and my partner to praise me. Actually, anyone really. I worked hard and I still work hard. It feels I can never be enough and no one says otherwise. 

I earn well but I don’t buy myself everything I want because I’m supposed to be responsible. I’m supposed to compromise. 

But it fades away when I think about how much I want it all to end. I won’t actually end it myself. I have promises to keep. But wish for it. The sweet sweet end of everything. 

Maybe then I’d be in a room full of books reading for all of eternity. In a comfy couch if possible. 

But, if I am to live and be responsible why can’t I just be numb? Why do I have to feel? I just have to do, and feeling makes me miserable.