Hi! I havn't officially diagnosed with BPD, but I'm absolutely positive that I have it. A counselor at a psych ward near my college suggested that I had it and my current counselor had me take a psych test where I tested 84% for BPD and I believe 90% is needed to ensure a diagnosis. Although I am switching counselors (for my current counselor is more of an addiction counselor which I previously did not know) to a DBT specialist and seeking a specialist, I wanted to hop on here to explain by predicament. 

School has ended, and I really should be celebrating considering I got all A's and grew so much this year. However, the day after I finished my finals, I was smacked right upside the face with depression and emptiness. I think a lot of times I make school, education, my classes, apart of my identity, with most of my social interaction taking place in my classes. However, my roommate is gone for 2 weeks and my family situation back home is tough. My dad is a pathological narcissist, and I do my best to avoid him. My sisters are really busy establishing their lives, and they often have something against me. The rest of my family in my hometown is very avoidant. My grandma, who primarily raised me, is really only source of strength and closure, but she's getting old by the day. She's 74, and I'm honestly so scared to watch more health problems emerge. My Dad once made a comment to her "When your gone he's only going to have me to go to!" Yeah. That's my dad lmao. Without family support, how I can I work on feeling whole, comfortable, and safe on my own? 

A lot of ruminating and obsessions is primarily focused on my gender identity. I've always had a fragmented identity, like throughout my day, I'll play many different roles––the charismatic grandson, the type-a female, the class clown, etc. However, the type-a female role emerges usually when in the presence of males and I'm convinced it's a trauma response. Until my roommate came into the picture, I truly had no good experiences with males. An abusive uncle, a narcissistic father, and of course the rampant bullying I faced in my small, rural town for my most of my life. I also have Body Dysmorphia, and I swear this identity confusion is intertwined with that––in the sense where if I meet another male that I think looks better, more charismatic, and more beefy than me, I instantly turn on the female, type-a persona, and I think it inhibits my ability to form platonic relationships with males. Like really bad. I guess I'm hoping to seek clarification––can gender identity confusion be apart of BPD? I often don't see much online about it and only occasionally read about it on forums like these. If I was trans, tbh I'm at a point where I don't care and am willing to do what it takes to eliminate dysphoria. But, whenever I get around females, my masculine role emerges leaving me very confused. I figured I was non-binary or gender fluid, and I found a Tik Tok creator whose video helped me deal with internalized transphobia this year, and I was ready to embrace who I was. I then found myself absorbing his identity vs working on my own, which left me feeling hopeless and empty once again. 

I know that was a lot, but my summer schedule is largely free, and I now know it's time to do some deep work now that my stress levels are very low. What are some mental health or BPD exercises or activities that I can do daily that is going to help me on my path to healing and recovery? As mentioned before, I have a lot of time on my hands and I want to use this wisely, I'm willing to put in the time and effort, even if that means spending 2-3 hours a day working on myself this summer. I care so much about school and succeeding in life, but my BPD behavior in relation with my ADHD often makes me feel just short of reaching my academic achievements. I'm ready to move on and succeed in life.