Hey guys, so I’m a 20 year old demisexual/gay BPD sufferer. After a childhood of extreme neglect around a narcissistic and terribly negative father and summers with a bipolar mother in a relationship with the most scarily manipulative and controlling man I’ve ever seen in my life, I unfortunately ended up developing BPD and grew up too quickly. At 18 I started dating and quickly learned how intoxicating it is to hear good things about you, and threw myself at men who either ran when they realized my mental health issues (i was oblivious of them at this point, willfully ignorant) or who wanted to use me for sex (or both!).

I got into a relationship with a very insecure and self hating guy at 18. We were very codependent. After a depressing relationship filled with abuse and pain inflicted by both sides, i finally learned how my actions affect others. I became aware of myself again, my inner voice underneath all of this mess. I am much more aware of my toxic patterns and also finally can see how others behavior affects me after being unable to describe it for so long. Anyways, it just so happens I’ve met a new man, and I want some opinions from other BPDs on what they think of it so far. 

He is a 23 year old au pair working for a rich family. I like him because, without any mirroring at all, we are pretty similar in a lot of ways! So many times we’ve had the same thing come out of each other’s mouth at the same time, or point out the same thing at the same time. When we disagree there isn’t shaming or drama. We can see our friends and family without any drama about it. Sexually we are incredibly compatible, given that we both are not very sexually driven in a hyper sexual community. That being said... we’ve had frequent, passionate sex, but it hasn’t come from a place of sexual pressure or selfish desires which is a load off both our minds. It will almost certainly cool off cause lots of sex at the beginning is pretty normal IMO but unlike my other relationships I expect it to be pretty healthy when we say no to each other. We’re both very touchy and the cuddles have been great as well and we’re both kind of needy with touch so it’s worked well thus far. I genuinely appreciate how he is not obsessed with his phone, and loves to talk with me. We both want to do lots of spontaneous things together, and just generally really enjoy each other’s company. There is a lot of good and a lot of promise here, in my opinion. Of course though, no one is perfect, and I’ve gotten over idealization surprisingly quickly so i think i can be pretty rational about it. There are definitely flaws.

So, what are these negatives thus far? He has said that he believes he has BPD and NPD, and there are definitely signs of it. He is very particular with his appearance and constantly seeks affirmation from himself and others that he looks good. He also loves to talk about himself, talk highly of himself and his accomplishments / good things that he’s done, things happening in his life, and events that happened in his life. I love to learn about people so this is fine, and I’m usually the one driving a conversation even outside of this relationship so it’s pretty normal to me thus far. However, especially with an intimate partner i want to have interest shown in me as well beyond compliments on my appearance and basic questions about my day. When I say I want to talk he listens and asks me questions but something in my gut says there could be more... but it could also just be BPD lol. I can tell this will get pretty frustrating as time goes on and I’ve told him some of my concerns with this but not all, I want to say it in a way that respects him and gotta figure out that conversation. He has said however that he really wants to get therapy now that he’s aware he might have these disorders, as do I. He’s working towards getting a therapist now. This is a big one for me, we’re both willing to work towards getting better and improving ourselves and it’s not in some stupid savior way like what i saw with my mom’s fiancé. We both see ourselves as individuals trying to heal and want our own live outside of each other, and i don’t believe we’re vampiring off each other’s energy. 

Besides that, there are some traditionally red flag-ish behaviors going on. He has showered me with compliments and small gifts like his cooking, a jacket, and loves to pay for appetizers and desserts at our dinners without any expectation of being paid back. He has offered me an Uber many times over the train or bus home. However... The cooking is his JOB as an au pair and the family doesn’t like leftovers so that’s fine, the jacket didn’t fit him anymore, and I already told him that I will accept or deny gifts on my own terms depending on my comfort level and so far he has taken it with grace and hasn’t flipped out on me or anything and has respected it. So far so good, but the relationship is still early and I need to see how the relationship changes over time before this anxiety goes away. I need to tell him to lay off with the compliments though, haven’t done that yet; the frequency makes me uncomfortable. 

We moved very quickly into the relationship. We’ve both dropped the L word, but I feel like I’ve made a mistake doing so and it needs more time; it was far too early. I’m 100% fine with the commitment because I can talk with this man way easier than any other guy Ive dated thus far and it’s genuine, not mirroring, and we really enjoy doing things together. He seems though, but he doesn’t like bombard me with it or anything, usually once or twice a day. We’ve talked about things we shouldn’t have at this stage like kids, marriage, what kind of house we like, etc., but never with the actual expectations of like following through with it of course. Just casual conversation about it in my opinion. We’re both quite needy and miss each other quickly, and are both very cuddly, and we talk pretty constantly throughout the day unless one of us wants space, which is respected without drama. 

What do you guys think? Any tips or experiences of your own? Any thing you suggest I ask him or say to him while it’s still early?