And in some ways, that's a warning not to create bonds.  You lose the option to leave as easily.

I'm forty-one and my connection with my child has never been the very best because I'm always at high anxiety around her because I don't have the right role models for this situation.  But lately she at least is feeling some connection, sending me pictures of her dogs and other similar things.

But I so deeply want to go.  First, the trauma of childhood never left, and how could it?  I am entirely my trauma, as it has so molded me that I don't know if there is anything else that I consist of.  Secondly, I've made a mess of my life and I'm spiraling further down, as I'm being sued for debts and I have to file bankruptcy, but I mentally shut down to the state of a paralyzed infant (where the trauma began) and can't do anything and it all gets worse.  Lastly, my entire body is failing, as I have diabetes and was in a near fatal car wreck that left me broken - at the moment I'm just lying here feeling the pain pulse outward.  I don't show up for my job.  I'm a complete mess.

I bought a shotgun to kill myself with, but before using it, I told someone and was brought to the emergency room and checked into the behavioral unit for a week.  But that's the third time I've been in the behavioral unit in six years, and it's never helped much, nor has the various bits of intensive outpatient or other nonsense like whichever antidepressant comes next or the mood stabilizers that barely touch BPD.  I recommend DBT to others, but it barely helps me.  I want it all to end.  I'm so tired.  I've been talking about how much better death would be since I was around four years old.  I'm so fucking tired.