Large rant ahead…

It all started in early summer of 2020. My teeth started hurting. They were sensitive and had an edge of pain when I would bite or chew on things. I figured I had gotten a cavity. However, the dentist couldn’t find evidence of one and we came to the conclusion that I was likely clenching or grinding.

Fast forward a few months later… my vocabulary seemed to be suffering. I felt like I was stumbling over words. I felt more fatigued than I usually do. I went to my GP. She didn’t seem concerned. Blood work came back normal. Examination was normal. I then read about Covid fatigue and how many people being trapped at home were having the same difficulties I was. Maybe things were fine.

Around the start of 2021, my heartburn got a lot worse and some new symptoms cropped up related to my digestive system. I started taking omeprazole to get things under control, but somehow things got even worse! I started regurgitating food when I would burp. It felt like my esophagus was swollen or inflamed, and I had a constant lump in my throat. I decided to stay on omeprazole for a bit to keep the acid under control. Then the diarrhea started. I get a bad cramp, and run to the bathroom. Most of the time, it happened not long after eating. After taking it easy for a few days, I resumed a normal diet and the diarrhea came back. I narrowed it down to dairy being the culprit. As time has progressed, the diarrhea stopped, but I am now fully lactose intolerant, if not straight allergic to dairy. If I have lactose, I am in pain and the gas is phenomenally bad. I miss cheese so much….

In summer of 2021, my anxiety was heightened due to everything I’ve mentioned up above, my uncle dying of a heart attack, work stress, and marriage stress. I started having difficulty sleeping at night. I had a sleep study performed and they found I was struggling to get good deep sleep. My eyes got really sensitive and I started seeing static and floaters. Meanwhile, my fatigue seemed to hit new heights. I couldn’t work a full 8 hours per day anymore. Occasionally, I’d get pain in my limbs that felt bone deep. I had scheduled an appointment with a new GP for July and I ran everything by her. After a large set of blood work, the one thing that came back was my Vitamin D was low. I was so relieved because it seemed like Vitamin D could be the overall culprit!

My GP started having me supplement my Vitamin D and things seemed to (again) get worse. The muscle pains continued, I started getting random muscle twitching all over my body, and numbness/tingling in my scalp, hands, and feet. It was around this stage that I really started fearing for there being something really wrong with me. As my GP instructed, I finished my 8 week Vitamin D supplementation, then I shared with my GP that things were still not going well. I didn’t feel as tired as I was before, but my muscles were complaining a lot. The pain comes and goes. I still get muscle twitching/spasming. I told her I was worried about something like MS. My sleep worsened. I have been prescribed numerous sleep aids to help me fall asleep at night. Sometimes I fall asleep. Sometimes I toss and turn. Sometimes I can sleep without any help.

My GP got me a referral to neurology and a brain MRI with contrast. The MRI came back normal, the neurologist ordered an EMG which also came back normal. At least MS was off the table.

Now this brings me to 2022. I’m miserable. I can’t sleep well still. My legs hurt by the end of every day. My muscles continue to spasm/twitch/jerk. I can’t seem to catch a break on any particular day. If it’s not the fatigue, it’s my digestive system. If it’s not my digestive system, the pain is worse in my limbs. If it’s not the pain, I’m fatigued as hell due to not sleeping well.

I suppose writing all of this, one would wonder how I’m even surviving. I have always prided myself on putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, things always get back to normal, but this has been a long year and a half of miserable symptoms. I want to feel normal again. I want to not worry that there is some danger lurking in my body somewhere (like cancer). I want to be able to sleep like I used to. I want to feel like I have my health on my side again.

I will count my blessings that I have a wife and kids and I can still be available to them. I have a job with a boss that understands my health comes first and if I have to call out sick, it’s because I am managing a lot. I am doing my best to help myself, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is really wrong even though all signs point to all of this being the result of anxiety. It’s difficult to look in the mirror and say “This is your anxiety, not something your doctors can’t find!” And have it stick.

I just want to feel normal again… or at least close to normal. If you made it this far, I hope you are doing better than I am. May you find the peace you are looking for while I try and find mine.