Hello everyone. The anxiety and depression isn't letting up at this time, and I'm hoping to continue receiving support and overall to be heard. 

Today wasn't nearly as difficult as yesterday, though I still have the waves of anxiety the start in my stomach. However, the day was starting out like yesterday until I got off work. During the workday, each time I get off a call or take a small break, I go over to my kitty to kiss and pet her. It's just been routine this past week. And usually she sits there, sometimes purring, sometimes quiet as she stares ahead. The painkillers have made her very loopy, so she's tired and slow to react. 

But today ended differently as I finished work, I saw her cleaning herself. But it was my routine to go over and kiss and pet her. When I went down to peck her forehead, she looked up and leaned into my chin, rubbing the side of her face against me. She used to do this so often and I hadn't seen her do it since she became ill. 

I kept my face low and you just kept switching sides of your face to rub on my chin, and you were purring so much. I was even able to take a video of you doing this. Immediately after, you just looked at me briefly and went back to cleaning, but I started sobbing. I couldn't believe I'd get that part of the old you back before Friday came along. It was good, filled with some somberness to those sobs, but it was mainly one of cathartic relief. It makes me happy to see those parts of you show during this horrible time. Such a strong cat, and even as the tumor grows and the cancer spreads, you still have the heart to tell me you love me. I just sat there and cried as you cleaned yourself, and I could hardly compose myself before I went to workout. I watched the video as I was getting ready and it just relieved me greatly. It's easily one of my best memories. 

And when I got back, took a shower, and came back down to your favorite resting place, and did the same as before, hoping you'd do the same. And sure enough, you reached up and leaned into my chin and purred loudly. You changed my day today and made it so much better. It's a theme that's common with you, and I wanted to highlight it. Some of my favorite moments of you. 

One of the moments was really close to the Christmas event, when you and your sister sat with me. But this memory I have, I was actually relaxing on the couch and you were still getting over a chest cold. And I just remember being so fragile with you, because you were skinnier than your sister back then, and she ganged up on you. She was sleeping near my feet, but I vividly remember you looking right at me and jumping up to my position and getting right on my chest. You didn't knead or try to find a comfortable spot, you just proceeded to lay across my chest and let your head fall on the crook of my neck. It was one of the sweetest things I'd ever seen, and you just passed out, you were so tired from your sickness. I remember just holding you, stroking your back as you slept and dreamt. The feeling coming from the knowledge that you'd trust me like that, you'd seek me out for when you were tired and sick, it made me delighted and relieved to be a cat father. It's one of the moments that assuaged my concerns of parenting you. 

Another one of my favorite memories was a couple years back when I'd finished watching The Haunting of Hill House. The ending scenes were so heart-wrenching and hit so close to home that I couldn't maintain composure after the finale. I just cried and cried downstairs, thinking of my dead siblings and the words I wish I could say to them, like the ones in the show were able to do. And I remember as I struggled to breath, you were at my feet, rubbing your face against my shin and looking up at me with those blue eyes. I couldn't help myself, just wanting to feel the warmth of someone I loved, I picked you up and just held you to my chest as I continued crying. Normally at that point, you'd squirm out of my hold, but you were more relaxed than before as you let me wail for my siblings I'd never see again. And you were purring as you kept closing your eyes at me. In that moment, I was breaking down, and you were just the sweetest thing to come up to me and comfort me like that. 

And my other favorite memory of you was earlier this year, I taken you to the vet to get a cleaning of your teeth. They had to put you on anesthesia to do so, and you were coming out of it when I brought you back home. You were just meowing up a storm when I let you out. I could only imagine how pissy you were and demanding to know why I took you there again, it would've been laced with obscenities if you could speak. The doctor told me to make sure you didn't move around too much, so I brought your litter box and food into a room with me and closed the door so you wouldn't hurt yourself exploring the house. At first you were uneasy with how you wobbled, until I picked you up and you just sagged in my arms. You've never been the most cuddly of cats, but you showed your love in various ways. This time, you just let me hold you as I laid back in the bed, shifting you around on my chest so you'd be more comfortable. And you just relaxed and laid your head on my shoulder and snoozed away. You slept there, shifting after you woke from dreams and remained there for two hours. I remember I was super sweaty as you got off my chest, but then laid up against my side, getting more sleep. It was just so sweet, and I was able to get very good pictures of us that I still smile at today. Especially today. 

Honey, there are a number of memories of you just being the best cat in the damn world. From times of you supporting me to moments of you just being a cute little shithead. These moments I noted don't discount the many small things you do on a daily basis that make you the best. You're an amazing kitty, and I'm so glad I have those memories stored away. 

We have about 48 hours left, and I know you're still in pain, but hang on just a little longer. You've always been such a tough and loving sweetheart. I love you and I'll be up early to feed you!