Off meds again. Still stuck in the same thought loops off hypo mania and severe depression. I can't focus and I can't sleep. I wish I didn't know that my ups and downs weren't linked to my illness and I wish my creativity and my passion wasn't also part of the disease. I want to give up sometimes because I know my brain won't allow me to just exist and not hyperfixate on moments and people and things that shouldn't mean anything but they do. I just want the racing thoughts to end. I want to know myself and understand myself without second guessing my humanity because my brain tells me that I'm not productive enough, that I don't deserve rest and that if I'm even the slightest bit vulnerable I'm going to be taken advantage of.