i think i might be splitting right now and i started to write down every situation my potential fp (complicated label, something like fwd but maybe more (especially for me) for about 3 years) hurt me the most. 
i do this because i fantasize ending things with him and every (very rare) time we have an acutal, deeper talk, which lasts like 10 min, i can‘t remember anything.
so when i wrote down these moments, it felt like an upcoming wave. very hard to explain. its starts in my stomach... like heat expanding and kind of psych pain turning into real pain... i am so not good at putting all this stuff into words, this is probably the best explanation i can give right now.
 i feel this in so many situations i am not comfortable, being hurt or feeling abondened.

does anyone else know this kind of thing?
i don‘t know if this feeling is even worse than all the black-white-thoughts.