HUGE VENT (I'm sorry): Okay I have been very depressed throughout my 11th grade and my score had dropped pretty low because I'd never have the strength to get out of bed and the self hate was pretty much off the charts. Though I was never really suicidal i used to have pretty rough days with lots of crying.

After finishing 11th grade I finally mustered up the strength to get back up and do well in my 12th which is actually considered to be the most important year of my life. Considering I'm usually a pretty competitive person I made a lot improvements during the initial months. 
I stopped doubting my abilities over all.

But when my competitive exams started nearing the pressure was too much for me to cope with. I started hiding away from my problems using all kinds of escape mechanisms. (I wouldn't get off my phone, or wouldn't even try to manage my time properly and procrastinate like crazy). I had stopped studying and only did last minute preparations.
I look around seeing people working their hardest and question my worth and keep thinking what the fuck is wrong with me, 
Looking at myself crumble under pressure like this makes me think if i can ever be strong enough to face harder situations.

I used to vent a lot to my friends about my problems but i think they stopped tolerating it. My friends are very supportive but at some point i stopped venting because i didn't want to annoy them or anything. ( i know I sound like a kid but pls bear w me)

I know that people have it harder than me but i didn't know where to post because I've been having a strong desire not to exist at the moment (again i can't really tell if this is what being suicidal means i know it's not even an option),

My most important competitive exam is just 4 days away and I'm in bed diagnosed with covid.
I'm having terrible fever and physically and mentally exhausted. I've never troubled my parents this much. I'm heavily dependent on them (which is another thing i hate about myself) and because my mom has to take care of me and my brother she can't go to her mom's first funeral rites (where im from people celebrate death anniversaries and the first one is pretty important,)

and I thought ill study atleast on the last 5 days (which seemed doable ig) but am not in the physical state to study for it. I can't even stop crying.
I've lost hopes and i want to stop feeling what I'm feeling. I can't fail again because this decides my career. The fear of letting my parents down has intensified. I don't know what to do

TLDR: self hate has gotten pretty strong because my exam deciding pretty much my whole life is in 4 days and i can't study for it because I have covid. And also im a disappointment to my parents.