I dropped out two years ago because of mental health issues and I’ve been rotting since. I’ve been judged, ridiculed, and belittled for my decision but I think at this point, if I would have stayed in school, I wouldn’t be here today. But it doesn’t even feel like I’m here anyways.
Sometimes I think maybe I should have just killed myself. Save myself the time and the pain and the trauma the last two years alone have caused me. 
But then I feel ungrateful for feeling this way, because objectively it could be worse.
I have a roof over my head, the latest electronics, running water and heat. 
While those things have been threatened to go away, I still have them and will most likely have them until I move out.
But I’m 18, and I’m supposed to be graduating, going to college, figuring stuff out, dating and making friends. Living the life I want, but I’m not, I’m just wasting away, a small bit at a time. 
Getting out of bed to work towards any of those goals would probably send me over the edge.
The only thing keeping me from just ending it is imagining my little brother at my funeral. I know he’d continue to live without me, and truthfully, it wouldn’t effect him much. But he’s my best friend, and I couldn’t imagine not being here with him.
I need him more than he knows and god I wish he knew.
I honestly don’t even deserve him, much less anything else I have.
I just wish someone else could have my body, someone who doesn’t have it as good as I have it, someone who would appreciate what I have because no matter what I do, I can’t seem to like or appreciate anything about me or my life.
I just wish someone else could take over and have me. 
And I’m so scared to be honest, to seem like I’m just some lazy self-pitying asshole.
Ask anyone in my life and I’m doing just fine. No one even has a clue, and if they do I don’t think they care. But honestly what could anyone really do for me?
It has to be me to fix this but I just don’t think I can. I think my only options are to either keep rotting or just let myself succumb and end it all. 
I’m scared of both options but honestly I’m not strong enough to have any more.