So, to make this short, I've been battling with (almost) crippling health anxiety for over 4 years now. I got diagnosed with testicular cancer in 2016, got treated (surgery was enough, so no chemo nor radiation) and been a complete wreck after that. For some reason, I'm constantly fearing my heart will just stop. I think a fear of cancer would make a little more sense in my position, but oh well. I'm 38 now and know full well, that every year my chances of getting sometimes serious only rises.

I often wake up in the middle of the night feeling I'm about to die. Like seriously. It's a weird ass feeling. Sometimes I scream as I wake up. I don't think there's an hour in the day when I'm not thinking about death. If I feel just a slight discomfort in my body, it's cancer, blood cot, pulmonary embolism, heart attack, etc. You name it and I've been certain that I've had it in one point. Since I have heartburn/acid reflux/chest pains quite often, it's usually the heart attack. Sometimes I think I'm not getting enough oxygen or that there's something in my throat blocking the airways or something.

Of course I've had my share of full blown panic attacks too, but for whatever reason there hasn't been one in a couple of years. It's just the constant lingering feeling of doom that really takes it toll on me. Life is not particularly enjoyable like this and to add insult to injury, I've had to let go of things like coffee and many foods since all this began. I can't enjoy the little things in life, since they seem to worsen my anxiety.

Yesterday I just chilled, went for a long brisk walk, had a sauna session and had sex with my wife. Terrible, right? Of course after all that I had the worst night in a while and feeling super anxious for at least today, quite possibly the next few days.

Anxiety, or whatever the hell I have, just sucks man.