I'm a solidly upper-middle-class guy supporting my wife through grad school while raising our kids. She is religious, I am not, but I've supported raising the kids according to her beliefs. The kids get religious education in our house through COVID, and we set aside a day of rest - no video games, no TV, no cleaning the house - every week because it matters to her. I do most of the cooking after work; I take the kids to sport practices; I drop them off at school every morning.

I can't do it anymore. I feel so broken and hopeless. I've had recent uncontrollable violent outbursts that are getting worse. So far I haven't hurt any of our family - normally I just break something - but I did recently hurt a pet and felt physically sick for days afterward. I don't want to do this. I want to be better than who I am. I'm scared of myself but can't leave or escape. I hate admitting this to myself, but I do better when my wife is not home. Having her presence feels like a burden. She's sweet, supportive, and understanding, but I feel like I have to be perfect 100% of the time or I am a failure as a dad and as a husband. We live in a smallish Midwest community with no real support groups outside of a very evangelical church that I am not fond of visiting. I honestly don't know what to do or who to talk to. I can hang on for now,  but I 100% believe that some day, when the kids are gone and I have nothing but a headful of bad memories of myself, and a wife who is loving but is devoted to a belief system I don't share, I'm going to end it all. What can I do? Are there proven at-home techniques to learn calm without being able to see a regular therapist? How can I learn to defuse or avoid situations that set me off when too often I think I'm holding it together just fine right up to the moment I'm not anymore? I confided in a doctor a few years ago and started taking Wellbutrin, but I don't like taking it when I'm not in a depressed state, and I find that it only starts to work after I've taken it for a while. The upshot is that by the time I know I need it, it's too late, and if my prescription has expired, I lack the will to go get it renewed. Any advice is appreciated.