I (22f) have experienced BPD for majority of my life and haven’t always managed it well. I have ‘moments’ where my symptoms flare up really badly. The past few weeks have been one continuous ‘moment’. 

About a month ago, I moved out with two other roommates (both 18f) who I didn’t know previous to moving in with them. It’s going well. I started a new job a week or so before I moved out. In the two weeks before moving out I was also broken up with by my boyfriend (24m) of four years.

I thought I was doing okay, but I’m realising that I have stopped talking to pretty much all my friends and have been spending all my time at uni studying or just on my own. None of my friends have really tried to reach out to me, but that is unsurprising as I don’t really have any “best friends” other than my ex-boyfriend. 

In the past few weeks, he has been spending a lot of time with me. Coming and studying, staying at my new place. And I’m confused. He’s started saying things like “girlfriend” and “I’m dating you so and so”, although I’m not sure if it’s a joke or if he’s starting to warm back up to the idea of us dating. He’s told me since our breakup that I’m the most important person in his life, but I’m not sure if he just pities me because I’m a bit of a loner. 

We broke up because my brother is violent towards him, and he struggled to see how we could have a long term future if my family couldn’t be involved in our lives without the drama. Things came to a head when I was asked to leave my house by my parents and was forced to live with my now ex-boyfriend and his parents. When we broke up I had to find a new place to live (which he supported me through), and I moved out.

Since then, his family came across from overseas, and he asked me to come and meet them, and he’s been taking me to the movies with his father. This confused me even more because you don’t really do that with a friend, only with a girlfriend. 

I can’t tell if I’m trying to force something that isn’t real, and I’m becoming delusional, or if I should try to be with this guy who I love and care about so much. I can often feel myself split on him, telling myself that I need to get over him because he is ‘bad’ for me. But then I self-talk myself into trying to see him in a positive light. 

I am medicated with a mood stabiliser, and regularly see my doctor to monitor my progress. I am not at risk of hurting myself or others, but I do feel myself slipping away a bit. I have taken DBT group therapies before, which I have implemented mindfulness and mediation into my life, but still struggle with the emotional regulation and interpersonal relationships. 

I don’t feel scared to reach out to my friends, I just don’t really have any desire to. I don’t really even want friends although I know I need a support system. I isolate myself a lot during times of stress and yet I feel so exhausted even at the thought of talking to my family or friends. 

I also have problems with being friends with females and am often drawn towards male friendships as I trust them more. I tried to see one friend a week and message three people in the same period for about a month in attempts to try to strengthen some interpersonal relationships, but I became so exhausted. 

I am not really a ‘introverted’ person as I have a very outgoing personality and feel very charismatic, but I struggle with maintaining a relationship with people because I don’t really know how to talk to them. I can get by on base conversation but when it comes to being personal, I am scared of oversharing or becoming a burden. 

How can I be better? 
What helps you want to be friends and keeps them around? 
How do I now what to say to people when they start opening up to me? 
How often should I see people/friends? 

I just need some help and I haven’t really found anyone who wants to help me answer these questions. I hope someone can.

Sorry if the formatting is bad; I’m on my phone.