One of the things I admire about other species is that they don’t stay awake at night crying about their problems. 

I’m 23 years old and im starting to reach a point where I feel like life is pointless. Pointless to have worthy dreams. Pointless to try and have goals. Pointless to pursue romance. Pointless to diet. 

Like many others, my parents split when I was a baby. A few years later, I ended up being sexually abused which I think is what ruined my perception of how relationships or love is. 

Since the age of 4/5 I’ve been a really angry child. Screaming and constant tantrums. Not all my memories of when I was younger are bad but it seems like the bad ones are easier to feel and remember. My mom said I would would hurt myself by hitting my head on the floor and doing hurtful things like this. 

Sometimes I feel like im a damaged toy that should of just been thrown away and replaced. At 14 I tried to swallow my bottle of pills for my depression because I felt like a zombie on them and ended up in a coma for a few days. I was also being bullied at school which didnt help either.

Anyways it seems like life comes in different waves. But the waves have been mostly negative. Not all of them but enough to make me wish the waves stopped. I’ve never stopped thinking about suicide since the day I tried it but now that im older and i have the ability to learn and retain more im honestly scared of what’s to come for the afterlife.  I fear we become reincarnated with the same or harder lesson than in this life. 

I also feel like a spoiled piece of shit since I live in a first world country and I know that there other people who have it much much worse than me.

I used to be addicted to drugs and in a few days im gonna be 90 days sober and 60 days no fap. I thought being sober would help but I now I feel like I would be better off using again. At least I was getting off my ass and working instead of binging on food and playing video games all day. I am a disabled veteran so i do get enough in disability to stay inside all day and do nothing if I want to. 

The only thing I have going on for me is the gym. I love to lift weights and I have a kitty I adopted just a few months ago which has helped me emotionally though she can be a dic k sometimes. 

I just needed to write and vent but if you read this I appreciate you taking the time to read.