I’ve been a silent lurker of the this sub. I suffer from anxiety which has now taken the form of severe depression. I’ve considered therapy and spoken to a few psychiatrists overtime but never continued after a few sessions as I didn’t see any thing improve. But lately things have gotten worse. 

\I’ve absolutely lost interest in life. Nothing excites me nor do I look forward to anything. Most things like going out, eating out, vacation i take is for my significant other. She is also the only person who knows of my condition. 

I’ve a very pessimistic outlook and all I wish for is my life to come to an end. It gets very depressing as night falls with me  staring at the wall in bed and running scenarios of easiest way to end life or praying for a health concern leading to a quick death. I don’t feel love;   happiness is something I don’t know anymore; if I’m at public places I just keep wondering how others are happy ?

I finally find my mental health  as a disability as it’s stopping me from doing anything, I avoid meeting friends, or talking to anyone. However, what I fail to understand is that when I’m around people,  my brain/body goes into a different psyche where internally I have a voice eating my brains out with negative thoughts, but I’m carrying on intense conversations and i’m in the zone to an extent nobody realizes I’m off. It’s like having two people living in the same body playing tug of war with me feeling trapped and wanting out. 

I’m sorry if all the above is gibberish - but if someone is/has faced this or at least knows what this condition might be- please share in the comments. Although I don’t want anyone to suffer like me, I’m sure I can’t be the only one with this mental imbalance. 

Also I’ve severe financial anxiety to an extent where I just cant spend money. It triggers me and still I do live well and have more than enough. But still I regret everything, I feel everything is futile  and even at 33yrs I feel I have missed the bus, haven’t done shit in life and that it’s too late.  My dad at 60 has more zeal and love for life than me and that too after seeing massive lows in his life. 

This is affecting my relationship with everyone esp my spouse ( who is really kind and understanding but I feel l’m ruining her life), my parents who have no clue about this or my friends. The irony is no one even knows me. They know me as someone who is social, friendly and a party animal and so if I have shared this with them that I suffer depression they just shrug it off and say I’m just trying to be cool. This has made me move away from them as honestly being happy takes a big toll on me. It’s a huge mental effort to stay happy and behave like a normal person and I always come back exhausted after a social gathering.