cw: always/never statements, toxic self-loathing

The only times I have ever felt happy enough to want to try is in romantic relationships, and those are all doomed to failure. Nobody will ever think I'm worth the effort. I'm not attractive enough or smart enough or funny enough or eloquent enough. Everyone who ever thinks they love me will decide not to once they realize the magnitude and scope of all the shit I carry around. Trying to get better is pointless. It doesn't matter that my conduct improved drastically from relationship to relationship because it is still not good enough, they still left. And it's not even fair to put someone in the position that they found themselves in, where my ability to function depends wholly on how much and how well they love me. I'm feeling really suicidal for the last month or so, and I can't tell anyone because I'll end up hospitalized again, and I am so tired of hospitals. I know the answer is to love myself/make myself my first priority/stop basing my self-worth on whether others love me/etc. etc. but none of these are *working*. I don't know how to do them. Every time I try, the self-affirming voice gets screamed out by the vicious, self-flagellating one. I can't sustain the feeling that it's worth the effort to fight back. I miss my FP and I'm sure she's just glad I'm not in her life anymore. I want to completely self-destruct. I can't even tell if I want to do that because I'm in pain or because I want to cause others pain. I feel empty and toxic. Nothing anyone responds to this will make that feeling go away. I'm a terrible /r/bpd member because I leech support from others and give none. I am disappointing and ugly. I wish someone would hurt me like I deserve.