~apologises for terrible sentence structure and grammar~

A little bit of background, I was diagnosed at age 19 now 23. I've been living pretty normally with episodes of breakdowns every year or so with pockets of mini freak-outs every week or so but very isolated and easy to deal with. 
Until about 2 months ago when I got super sick with a kidney infection and had to spend a couple of days in hospital. The day I got discharged is when everything fell apart, I have felt like all of my symptoms have
 escalated to the point where I was having daily breakdowns over getting the most simplest of things wrong (the funniest/most pathetic being the number of days in February wrong), as well as just over thinking things. My worst is not thinking I'm smart enough or constantly over thinking "I'm the dumbest person in this room, what value or worth do I have to this conversation - nothing! "

In the past I've been excellent at keeping all of my own paranoia and fears to myself, but since being sick EVERYTHING has exploded out of me. I've only had one day that I haven't thought about my value in other people's lives and how little I value myself. I just can't see the bright side to anything. All of my thoughts consume of hatefulness towards myself and my worth to those around me. I've also been consumed with thoughts of my abuse and actually comes to terms with it being abuse when it happened from the ages of 14-17, thoughts about particular nights that had happened over and over again, which hasn't been helping at all. 

I think the most terrifying part is that I'm having very intense suicidal thoughts that I haven't had in years, and something that I was so glad to have gotten over. The last couple of days have been a nightmare of thoughts - thinking of walking into traffic, images of brutalising my legs. I'm more disappointed that I also followed through with in my opinion very basic self harm, but still self harm. This being in the form of cutting (which to me was like testing the waters because it has been almost 8 years since I've done that) and scratching my arms when I feel overly stressed by a situation, biting myself and picking at my skin and nails. 

It's nice to get it off my chest because I've been feeling like a burden to those closest to me recently. Especially my boyfriend who has had to give me the same motivating speech everyday since everything has started.