As I write this, I sit in Palliative Care, in a room dedicated to my Father.  He is dying and only has a few weeks left.  It’s devastating, but we have prepared for this on our 4 year roller coaster ride.  The struggle with BPD on it’s own can be very difficult, but add a dying loved one to the mix and it’s nearly unbearable.  Getting out of bed each day is like pulling teeth.  I wake up and wonder, “Is today the day?”  But I wake up, thank God, or whatever high power there may be, that I have another day with my Daddy, and I am thankful for that.  Through my daily tears, I know that things will get better.  

I remember myself very well as a kid; I was very shy, I hated school, I lacked social skills, I was very emotional and always had a very difficult time trying to control my emotions.  I was in and out of therapy a lot, being scrutinized by doctors.  They didn’t know what they were talking about, how could they relate to what I was feeling?
At school, I was bullied a lot.  I would feign sickness on the regular just to get out of a day of school.  As I watched the bus leave my street, the sick feeling in my stomach would subside immediately because I knew I was safe for another day.  Staying home in isolation gave me solace.  I didn’t have to deal with anything, at least for the day.  As a child, I suffered from severe anxiety and clinical depression.  I was back and forth to the hospital for therapy following episodes as severe as suicide attempts; my poor mother and father.  My family didn’t know what to do.  
Mental illness had a stigma attached to it back then, it still does.  You didn't talk about it, you ignored and suppressed it.  As a family, we never discussed what was going on with me, it was swept under the rug.  I always thought of myself as a good kid though.  I respected my parents and our house rules, I never did anything illegal.  I feared repercussion too much to cause any trouble, and was too anxious to risk breaking the law.  I was your stereotypical sister - stealing my older sister's clothing and fighting with my twin sister.  I always felt that I had it a bit harder than my sisters though, I didn't feel equal in the treatment we received.  As far as I was concerned, they had it easy compared to me.  They didn't have the same struggles as me.  Both were smart and popular and had loads of friends.  I had isolated myself and didn't share those characteristics.   Eventually, elementary school was over and I could go off to high school without anyone knowing me, this excited me.  Being bullied was over with (finally) and I'd make some new friends for once, maybe figure out who I really was.
In high school, I excelled at everything I did.  For the first two years, I did amazing; I was MVP at every sport I played, I was smart and had fairly decent marks, I had made a ton of friends, etc.  However, as time went on, I was back and forth to the hospital, again.  Back on medications that I always took myself off of because, well, I didn't want to deal with society's ubiquitous stigma.  Take a pill to be happy?  Not me, I don't need a pill to be happy!  I could do this on my own, couldn’t I?!
Fast forward over a decade: I'm 30 years old.  It's April of 2014.  I'm in bed, sobbing my eyes out and I haven't gone to work in a month.  I can't get out of bed.  I can't stop crying.  I can't eat.  I was regularly lashing out in fits of anger towards my family for no reason whatsoever.  What's wrong with me!?  I remember my mother rubbing my back and me sobbing.  "I hate this feeling, I just want it to go away."  That evening, I was brought to the hospital by my twin sister.  I met with my current psychiatrist (Dr. D), who admitted me on the spot.  I stayed in Mental Ward 2D for about a month.  My medications were monitored closely, as was my sleep, my mood; the doctors paid close attention to anything that could help them help me recover.
One day while in my room, Dr. D came in.  He wanted to discuss my diagnosis.  Diagnosis?  I already knew what I had.  "You suffer from anxiety and depression yes, but the big one is Borderline Personality Disorder."  Borderline, what!?  What the hell was he talking about?  I don't have a disorder.  He handed me a book to read.  Borderline Personality Disorder: An Information Guide for Families.  My concentration level was so bad at this point, even if I did manage to read it, I wasn't going to absorb any of it.  I looked it over quickly, it was the least I could do.  Things like, "what might have been a trivial slight to others was for me an emotional catastrophe" and "are highly sensitive to what's going on around them," were excerpts that stood out to me.  I had always had intense but short-lived bouts of anger, depression and anxiety but I didn't think it amounted to something bigger, something so severe.  I knew I had a fear of abandonment but I thought it was just one of those things that everyone felt from time to time.  It's just a quirk of mine, maybe a character flaw that I could work on?  I didn't realize that these were the defining characteristics of a patient with BPD.  Dr. D. quickly put me on some new medication which within days resulted in a significant difference in my mood.  My anxiety was decreasing, my concentration was slowly returning, I could actually sit still for longer than a single minute.  It was soon after my specific combination of medication stabilized and proved itself effective that I was released from the hospital.  Out of 2D, but ironically now I didn't want out.  I was comfortable in my little bubble of people just like me.  I didn't want to go out into that big scary world and have to face my demons and fears.  

Currently, I still face the daily struggle of getting out of bed.  I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m. and take my medication and give myself another hour in bed, to allow it to kick in.  I have to push myself out of bed, knowing I have to face whatever the day may bring.  It would be so easy for me to stay in bed all day, isolating myself and not facing anyone, or anything.  I’d prefer it, actually.  But that is not how we make progress towards our recovery.  Each tiny step forward, is a huge feat for us.  Each positive word we say to ourselves, is pushing us forward, towards our recovery.  Some days are particularly hard, others are good.  I’m slowly getting back to that happy place and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, one that is growing brighter with each passing day.  We can all get there, there is hope for all of us struggling with BPD!

One of the most powerful contributors to a recovering BPD’s success is their support group around them.  I have been blessed with amazing friends and family, who are so supportive of me, especially during my trying times.  I can only imagine the frustration of someone having to deal with a BPD because I know how unstable we can be.  Without my friends and family, I would not have the strength in me that I do today, and I would not have progressed as quickly to where I currently am.  They are my reason to smile each day and stick with this PMA  (Positive Mental Attitude).  Each day is still a struggle but I know that there is hope to living with and finding balance and peace within the clutches of BPD.



A book that served well for my family was Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger.  It is intended for those who are with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.  It’s a book that is empathic toward people affected by this disorder.  “Stop Walking on Eggshells - Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About has Borderline Personality Disorder” by Paul T. Mason, MS and Randi Kreger, is a terrific read.  My family read this book and was so impressed with it.  It helped them understand me more and educate themselves on BPD as well as helped them learning coping strategies.  As important as those are for me to learn, they are incredibly important for our loved ones to learn as well, especially when we are having a trying time.  
 

Tiggers are something that those with BPD, should be well aware of.  My twin sister is a huge trigger for me.  She can be extremely difficult to deal with, although I know everything she does is out of love.  Growing up, she sure knew how to push my buttons but I know now, that it was all out of frustration.  I’ve talked to Joanna about what it’s like living with someone with BPD.  She believes that when I am in one of my “episodes”, I become extremely irrational and it’s incredibly difficult to have a conversation with me because I become so defensive.  I believe this to be the case due to my abandonment issues; having difficult conversations with me has always made me worry that people are preparing to leave me and no longer love or support me.  Having me engaged in family functions is also difficult for her to see because I would rather be alone.  I prefer isolation over being surrounded by people who know what’s going on with me; I tend to feel judged and worry that people are speaking about me negatively.  So, if I avoid being around anyone, I don’t feel judged and don’t have that added worry on my mind.  I don’t want to be that burden on anyone either, especially when I’m not “happy”.  My mother has always said it’s incredibly difficult to be honest with me without me having to react negatively.  Whether it be me lashing out at the truth or again, isolating and removing myself from the situation at hand.  Through my therapy, I have been working on these issues incredibly hard, through Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, with my Psychiatrist.  









In June of 2015, I started BPD Connects, a support group dedicated to those who suffer directly or indirectly with BPD, anxiety and depression.  Support is essential to recovery and I wanted to offer something to the public because there wasn’t a lot available in terms of support groups and recovery tools when I was diagnosed.  BPD Connects offers support group therapy and individual therapy by our Clinical Therapist from Piece of Mind Counselling, focusing on DBT and CBT.  DBT is a type of therapy used for those who experience very intense emotions and have challenges with impulsive behaviour, difficulties in relationships, and feeling lost with their own identity.  CBT is a type of therapy used for those who have difficulty understanding their thoughts, emotions and behaviours.  Alternatively, we also offer workshops for those interested in more extensive therapy.  Our workshops run for 8 weeks, and focus primarily on DBT and CBT therapy.  Our support group runs on the third Thursday of each month at 7:00 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.  Please contact us for more details.  www.bpdconnects.com or michelle@bpdconnects.com.
Thank you for reading my story!  I hope this tugs at some heart strings and helps give you some insight and support to those of you suffering from BPD directly or indirectly.  Sharing our stories, struggles, and making more people aware of BPD, depression and anxiety is only the beginning of our road to recovery as a community.  It is significant though.  If this has helped even one person, I have done my job.
