I guess in a sense I am writing this because I have no one to tell this to.

I tried going to therapy but things went south. Anyway, today marks the 9th suicidal attempt I have made in the last 100 days and my 16th in the last  383 days. ( 25M ) I think one of the biggest factors why it has severely worsened in the last 100 days was due to the delay of me leaving the country I am currently in. I recently graduated med school but I still have an exam to clear , an exam I have been waiting for ever since March of this year with no sessions being available. Seeing myself be stuck for 5 more months than i intended too and all of my peers moving on with their lives kind off hurts in a sense. I am an immigrant and I studied abroad so i have a lot of steps to reach financial, mental and geographical stability. Before that happens, everything in my life is put to pause. The biggest example i can think of is that the girl I was in love with got engaged to someone else back in the summer of 2021 , I didn't confess so it's my fault kind of, but i didn't find any reason to confess, because say we both liked each other , where do things go from here , it wont amount for anything, I cant propose to her or get to know her , because I don't know where life is going to take me after graduation and in order to think of anything like an engagement or marriage I need to be financially stable with a good paying job and find me a place to live in , which would realistically take 4-5 years for it to happen. 

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I met another girl recently , a month or two ago , the girl ticks all of my boxes , she is great and we are insanely compatible , however the same issue lays still. I am 4-5 years early to do anything official. i heard her mention that a family friend proposed to her and that she was still thinking about it , and that is when i broke down. \\

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It seems that at the end of the day I am never enough, nothing I do will ever be enough to anyone.I tried opening up to my parents about my mental health and they straight up started denying it , and that I am a MAN and that because I am a MAN I cant be depressed and that the reason you are having these thoughts is that you are away from god. I guess this still is the biggest slap to the face that I have ever received. 

to realize that the ones who were supposed to have my back in the very end have forsaken me in such a manner.

I have lost my appetite and I have become an insomniac, and whatever sleep I get is usually bad because it's always followed by the most horrible nightmares and I tend to wake up in panic attacks. 

among the other things that led me to become this suicidal is the realization that nobody really cares. No one genuinely cares. If i don't initiate talk nobody ever texts me, not even my younger siblings. Literally , if I disappear today, it would take people a good amount of time to realize that something might have happened to me.

I fail to understand why people don't talk to me unless I talk to them first, I thought relationships were supposed to have mutual caring and understanding. After all one hand can't clap on its own. It really sucks when you realize how sucky and bad things are in reality when you thought that they were all bad in your head only, but to see them as worse in reality as they were in your head, now that really sucks. I accept that you can't force people to talk to you nor can you force them to care for you. Its just a priorities thing, it's just sad that I am no one's priority.

My friends and peers where I studied for my degree are all back in their countries and have moved on with life and the childhood friends that I left back home all moved with theirs as well and at the end of the day, I am all alone.

I just want to be happy, but I guess it's too much to ask for. I hope one day I muster enough courage to finally take my life away and be finally free.