Hello all, sorry for the throwaway account name, I didn't want to use my regular account for this. 

I'm 21F. A little bit of background. I was diagnosed with depression in 2017. I've had it in small episodes since then, though the episodes have been debilitating. Think: a month where I struggle to do anything at all or to focus on anything other than the hopelessness. Around a year ago, I had a more serious episode where I began to experience a large amount of derealization. My doctor immediately reinstated me on my prior medicine, 10mg of celexa, which seemed to be working for a while. I decided to go up on the dosage, but that only caused an increase of anxiety, which I wanted to avoid, so I was advised to go back to 10mg. 

Additionally, I've always been prone to anxiety genetically, though I can go a bit overboard. I need everything to be organized/in its place, I can't deal with deviation from plans, and if someone is even a little late/doesn't respond quickly I always assume the worst. I have horrific intrusive thoughts in relation to this. I considered maybe having OCD for a brief time, but I've not been diagnosed so I would refrain from labeling myself without a proper consultation and diagnosis. I also really still struggle with derealization, and I feel like I'm always acting in a play. 

It's been around 2 months since that, where I've been back on the 10mg, and I'm in one of those episodes again. I'll try to describe it as best I can. As soon as I open my eyes I feel immediate debilitating morning anxiety. My heart pounds, I'm extremely nauseous, and I don't want to do anything. I can't even answer simple questions in my texts (i.e this morning my friend asking me to go collect supplies with her for a club event. I said yes, but even the thought of having to exist at an event sent me spiraling). Once I finally manage to get myself up, I'm on and off throughout the day. Perhaps there's a half hour in which I can feel fine, like when I'm watching a YouTube video, but as soon as the distraction ends I'm right back where I started. Even the thought of leaving the house makes me almost throw up. And make no mistake, I'm not afraid to talk to people or anything, so I don't really understand this feeling. I feel awful at home, but I know I'll feel worse if I go out. The anxiety minimizes at night, but I still feel it until I sleep, and then that's my only reprieve. 

I live with my single father, and he's always taken care of me, especially through these episodes. I do think he's coddled me a little, but my other friends who suffer from mental illness have absent or neglectful parents, so I'm unsure what the standard is. But now I have a new fear that I won't be able to function on my own with this anxiety once I eventually move away, or that I'll move in with a friend and immediately think It's a mistake because I can't deal with my anxiety alone without a parental figure. 

Today is my first day of this year of university, and I'm struggling already, haven't even been here an hour. I immediately went to the library to be by myself, but now I'm dreading trying to get through the day. I just don't know what I should do, because the thought of going on like this is agonizing to me. I feel like I'm not really living at all. 

I guess I'm looking for several things: advice, comfort, acknowledgement. I just needed to get it out there. If you read this whole thing, thanks for listening to my rambles. Here's to all of us feeling better eventually.