I felt my brain crack today like it was breaking a sweat
I immediately felt a sense of relief similar to waking up feeling well after a night terror


I don't remember much from today and absolutely nothing from yesterday excluding getting ready for work and my shift (vaguely)
Mania makes me forget


I had multiple anxiety attacks back to back with slivers of bliss, psychosis (several instances), and suicidal ideation in between
I have never felt everything so intensely all at once the way I did today


I felt "myself" inside of me but I couldn't gain full control


I felt my mind slip at least a hundred times
Forgetting and losing my thoughts


Today I felt disgusting and ashamed and embarrassed


My mind still feels very vulnerable
I am trying not to think of all the shameful things I said and felt today


I felt secure that I would not harm myself today because "{I} {was} still {there}" opposite verbatim


I feel bliss, but it's different this time


My partner is sleeping next to me and I feel content


The feeling before what I'll call these "switchings" I experienced today was similar to what I'd feel if I was about to throw up
The gag's initial urge


I know this feeling is different and I trust I will wake up feeling well;
However, I still feel this sickness inside me


I feel I am in full control of the way I express my feelings (appropriately and respectfully to others)


My brain still tells me I'm powerful


Not only did I feel my brain break just a few hours ago--I witnessed it


I felt a new bodily sense that was indescribable, but I will try my best:
Frightening, blissful, comforting, sinister
I left my body
I saw into my mind


I experienced watching my own brain crack 
Through this crack a light emerged and the music and lights around me intensified significantly
All of this happened in what felt like a half hour
My "real" brain tells me this only lasted a couple seconds
Tops
I felt control over the entire wiring and processing in my brain


I believe in this feeling, but I also feel skeptical
Coming down from psychosis makes me question everything in my reality


It feels like making terrible, drunken mistakes during a weekend binge
It feels like waking up the following Monday
It feels like wearily getting ready to resume your usual rituals while the memories follow you around the house


Balloons tied to your wrists
You forgot they were even there
You don't even realize they are still tied to your wrists because you are so emotionally exhausted and groggy
The balloons pop one by one
You never expect it when it happens, but the *pop* is enough to plague your headspace for a moment
Your hair raises while you feel the shame of your own cognitive dissonance


Then you do anything to distract yourself
And it works
At least until the next balloon infects your thoughts again


I say the sickness is still inside me because I cannot confidently say it is only me
My brain still tells me not to eat
It warns my food will make me feel sick
It tells me I look disgusting and I will thank myself in a year
It comforts, "your body feels so clean being so empty"
Almost like the emptiness is reserved
A void
A shelter?


My brain still tells me I have powers
My brain still tells me my partner is repulsed by the way I look and act
My brain still tells me I must be careful of the information I share with others because it is all being reported and observed to be used against me
My brain still tells me that everyone I sleep with will die in a tragic way
My brain still tells me my home will be broken into and I will be raped while my cats are murdered in front of me

I know these are all false


I have lived with these and I am able to cope in a healthy way


My brain still tells me I can always fall back on suicide if things get especially bad

My brain talks
It doesn't have a voice


I know these are delusions because I have suffered with these for a long time


I say the sickness is still inside me because I cannot tell if my cracked brain experience was the psychosis finale of the evening or sleep deprivation due to this special episode

Or it actually happened




I know my brain is lying to me
It is against me
It wants me dead