I’m just tired of spiraling.

I recently snapped and sent a few really mean messages to an old (girl) friend of mine. She threatened a protective order, which was totally fair. 

Long story short(ish) I fell in love with a girl who had a bf (my roommate and friend). We started hanging out and tripping on acid over the course of six months or so.  I was able to contain my feelings for her until she got very touchy-feely and adamant about how much I meant to her. Which felt amazing. But eventually I got tired of hanging out all day, coming home together and walking to my room alone while she walked into my friends room and then I’d hear them have sex. This destroyed my ego. Their relationship was shit and she complained about it often.  One day she tells me that “if I find out he’s cheating on me I’d just say ‘okay’ and walk away”. Later that day she asked if I’d ever date a friends ex. Months later my other roommate passed away (literal roommate and childhood friend) and she told me to sleep at her place to get out of the room with all his stuff. “It won’t be weird”, she said. That night she rubbed my arms and traced my ear as I fell asleep. I felt comfortable for the first time in a long time. The next morning she texted me that she went too far and didn’t want to jeopardize her relationship. That was fair, but what the fuck. Talk about whiplash. So then I was back in my room with all my dead friends’ things hearing those two fucking again — and I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. Just staring at my dead childhood friends empty bed while my crush is in the other room moaning. 

We drifted apart but kept in touch  — never the same. Over the course of 3 years she would occasionally send me the most nostalgic, heartfelt texts about how much she misses our time together. But she never replied to my responses and we never made any real traction.  I would later learn the term “breadcrumbing” and associate this with her communication. Eventually I blocked her. And then unblocked her at her insistence. Only to block her again because the pattern never changed. 

A couple weeks ago I snapped and sent her quite a few mean texts out of the blue.  Truthfully, I think I meant it all. But I shouldn’t have done this. And now all our mutual friends probably hate me and think I’m some incel loser.

I just needed to share this. Thank you if you made it this far.