I don't remember any of my childhood. Everything was done on auto-pilot. I don't feel like I ever truly made a decision for myself until I left my parent's household. Most of my childhood was spent playing video games alone in my room and forcing myself to play football in order to appease my parents. It's not that I'm dumb. I scored quite high on my IQ test as an adolescent. There was just very little thinking that went into my development as a whole. I went to school, went to practice, then came home and locked myself in my room playing video games until I passed out.

My parents were not and still are not very mindful people. Their childhood environment was undoubtedly worse than mine but, due to this, I couldn't ever seek them out for help. They just don't understand. I'm a crybaby in their eyes. It's always been so incredibly invalidating. My feelings got shoved down into this ball of fear, addiction, and unresolved anxiety about the world.

Once I was old enough to think on my own accord, the responsibility was all too overwhelming. My parents didn't know how to deal with me, so how could I possibly know how to deal with myself?

Now, I consider myself fairly self-aware but, not nearly to the extent of those who had their emotions validated throughout childhood. Every time I look back on my life, I'm amazed at how much of it that my mind was actually absent from. My childhood was nothing. I don't have a single special memory. Everything was a blur, and then I turned 18. Can anyone else relate? 