I am super baked. There is no other way I could have ever written this down. This is my last time here. I have been a long time lurker on this sub (and one more about BPD) and both these subs were my go-to place whenever I wanted to understand my ex-girlfriend better and also myself (suspected quiet BPD) since May. She meant everything to me. I have loved her for the last 12 years and she barely knew me. Cut to the chase, we were dating for around 10 months. And yet it felt like I knew her for a lifetime. What she saw as BPD and “her flaws”, I saw an extremely passionate and loveable, bubbly woman. Please don’t get me wrong. I am not disregarding what pwBPD go through. I just never saw what she called “emotional instability and irrational behaviour”. Honestly, I can’t. Ever. I absolutely loved her. And she made me believe this is it. We found each other, while looking around the world for someone else. She loved me with all her ferocity and heart, and I loved her back the same. Now that I think back, I could have shown her some more love. She told me we were getting married and I smiled but in the back of my mind, I agreed and nodded and told myself, “I waited for a lifetime. We are getting married but you will hate me in 10 years when we wake up together and I crack a silly ass joke.” She meant everything to me, and I thought I meant everything to her. The last time we met in September, she told me she cared for me deeply and that I made her feel like I was part of her family. And just a month later, she kept ignoring me. She avoided me, ignored me and made me feel like I did not matter to her at all. And a day before I was going home to meet my family after a year, she said we are breaking up because she was unavailable emotionally. It felt like my world was shattered and torn apart and my dream beach-house was destroyed. She said she did this for me because her therapist suggested that her emotional unavailability was unfair to me. What felt unfair to me was her not talking to me or deciding what would be better for me without discussing it with me. I don’t blame her at all. Maybe I added to her BPD. But tbh i will always be proud of her and how actively she was trying to get better. And I know she will be. I just never believed in my wildest dreams that the girl I loved as far back as I knew the concept of love, felt I wasn’t enough for her. And I wouldn’t be there with her when she turns around and says “Hey. You know what, I don’t feel like shit anymore. What i felt forever, it’s gone.” What crushes me everyday is knowing that my love wasn’t enough and I wasn’t enough. I can’t help but feel destroyed that I couldn’t be there for her, to see her sail through life and be the woman I know she will be. I know everyone in love feels like “This is it. She is perfect.” But she really was perfect, and I realise I wasn’t perfect for her and I don’t know how to react to that. All I am is a memory that will fade with time, while I stare at this polaroid picture of us together, where she looks like the cutest person I ever knew. And I am struggling to get up everyday knowing I will never be the person who gets to know her deeply and fall for her all over again, and realise she is so perfect. The thought of us not being together is crushing and soul-damaging. I don’t know if I will ever love anyone again like I loved her. 

I know no one will read this or care. I just had to get this out of my system. And I have no friends who can understand or relate what I am going through.sorry for ranting here. I know everyone has their own struggles and battles. But to people on this sub who struggle everyday, please know that you are beautiful and your BPD does not define you. It doesn’t make you an asshole nor does it make you unreasonable. It makes you passionate and you will achieve the progress or growth you are looking for with time and therapy. Thank you, all of you for helping me everyday understand her better. Thank you for making me realise that everyone has a story and we should always be mindful of the fact that everyone is going through their own battles. And above all, thank you for making this world a better place with your kindness and empathy.