Dear diagnosis,

You loom over me. 
You take control over my body and make my heart race. 
You make every emotion confusing. 
I never know if it’s you whispering into my ear telling me how to think, how to act and what to say. 
Or is it me...
Did I think that? 
Did I do that? 
Did I say that? 

I don’t know who I am because most of my life I thought I was you.

Sometimes I really hate you, you know?
You never ever leave no matter what I do to try to push you away. 
Sometimes I wish you were a thing I could physically destroy and be done with. 
I’ve tried. I’ve tried to hurt you but I just hurt me. 

It’s easy to blame you and hate you. 
It’s easy to use you as an excuse. 
It even makes me feel lazy to blame you. 
I almost feel like it is me.

You are all I know. 
Always by my side. 
Looming over me. 
But I don’t know how to have you and be me.

At least I can acknowledge you now. 
I know you are not all there is to me. 
But that doesn’t change anything.

It’s not like you’re gone.
You’re here with me. 
You’re always here.

I don’t want you gone. 
But I can’t do this anymore. 
Please just let me figure it out. 
Let me enjoy and live. 
Nothing is going to happen to me. 
I know that if I’m in danger you’ll be there for me. 
I know you want to take care of me. 
It’s good because I don’t know how to take care of myself. 
But I can’t learn if I can’t even breathe. 

Thank you anyways.
Because I wouldn’t be me without you. 
As much as I want to.