(Apologies for a long post and the fact that this isn't well-written. Depression has made me so much less eloquent and on top of that I have a million things on my mind and lack sleep)  


I (29F) live in despair because of constant self-sabotage and burning bridges. As a social person and one that likes people (less now due to the state of my mental health), I can't explain why I always end up destroying relationships around me. My family have always supported me and although we have lots of issues to iron out, I fear losing them. This will happen soon if I don't do anything to help myself.  


As a kid, I remember being sporty, academic, talented and people around me described me as having lots of potential. However, I was always rebellious, lacked motivation and generally just an oddball. I was confident and outspoken, but lacked social awareness. This probably is what made me get excluded from a lot of friend groups. I never found a place where I truly belonged, and home was no exception. To me, I was always the runt of the family and I despised the fact that my parents and extended family showed blatant favoritism towards my older brother who is 6 years older than me. It was obvious to my primary school teachers that I was a troubled kid and it was the cause of a lot of tension. Back then "mental health" wasn't a thing, so my bad behaviour was always dismissed as my character trait.  


We immigrated to a western country when I was a pre-teen, at a time I needed emotional support most. My parents were under a lot of stress at that time due to the move and having to relearn a lot of things at an older age. My brother stayed back home. As a result of him being isolated from us, I felt that my parents always prioritised his well-being over mine.  


I achieved good grades in high school when I applied myself, but struggled with my cultural and sexual identity. Lack of emotional support. My self esteem was very low and I hung out with the kinds of people our parents tell us not to. Even though I knew they were only using me, I allowed it to happen because that was where I felt accepted at the time. I danced with my demons by abusing alcohol and cannabis. I was a compulsive liar and a thief. I dropped out of high school at 16.  


After high school, I went back to college and started an undergraduate degree. Did the first year and then bailed out because I wanted to do something different. I went to tech school and was so close to completing, but I didn't finish one paper which means I couldn't acquire the certificate.  


Then, I was accepted into an aeronautical engineering school but I didn't finish that either. I was caught up in a new romance and had my priorities all wrong. The relationship didn't work out and I fell into major depression and got involved in gambling. That drove me to do something really stupid. I robbed a friend's house for quick money. Fortunately, I was caught and that was the end of my stealing habit. However I went on a downward spiral and had a few brushes with the law again - drink driving and possession of cannabis. I don't come from a rich family, my parents had to work really hard for their money and they were kind enough to help me with my legal fees.  


The following year, I went back to study and manged to achieve a certificate in mechanical engineering but I did so with very mediocre results. After that, I floated in and out of jobs as I couldn't hold one for a very long time.  I have stopped drinking and smoking.  


So I sit here now facing the biggest dilemma of my life. I have the chance to go back to college to first complete a foundations course, as I want to get an engineering degree later on. I want to set myself up for the future. Whether or not I have the strength and tenacity to follow it through, I don't know. On one hand, I want to achieve this goal for myself and more importantly for my family. I feel that having a goal to work towards will help me pull myself out of this slump. On the other hand, I fear that my lack of discipline will cause me to give up again and continue the trend.  


I have toyed with the idea of suicide since I was a teen, but I know I'm too much of a coward to do it. It would be unfair to put my family through such turmoil.  


Help, what should I do?