I've struggled with depression for almost half my life now. I'm 26 and I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (bipolar later on) at 15. I was also battling anorexia at the time. Shit, I'm still battling it. I've taken all sorts of meds. Some have helped. The one I'm on now for bipolar depression has helped a bit, but I'm still depressed. It's like I'm stuck in a loop.

My whole life I've felt things very differently than other folks. I'm not what you'd call an "empathetic" person. It feels like I force myself to feel the emotions others feel at times. I've also been a really awful person to be around at times. It's a mystery to me how I've made it this far and how I have a loving girlfriend and chosen family who accept me for who I am.

I've been called a psycho, a narcissist, a sociopath, among other things. Do I believe I am those things? Sure, I guess idk. Lately, coming to terms with this has caused me to be in a depressive hole. Not because "woe, is me. I'm a narcissist or a sociopath", more so because I realize how many folks I've hurt through out the years and how little I actually care, which has lead me to live a pretty lonely life. 

I was hospitalized a couple of months ago. After that I entered a relationship with someone (girlfriend and I are poly) and it ended horribly. Probably one of the ugliest break ups I've endured. I tried my best to "be a good person" around this person and I tried to care for them, but in the end things went sour and they told me to fuck off. GG, bro.

I've noticed a pattern. I manipulate people without even noticing it, it's like second nature to me. I find it really hard to empathize with other people's problems. I lie to everyone around me and everyone who wants to be around me. I create a different personality for every single person I interact with, it feels like I've been living a double life since I was a teen. For this reason I try to keep people at arms distance if they want to be my friend or whatever. That way I try my best not to manipulate them, hurt them and later ghost them.

Lately, it's lead me to believe that I shouldn't even be on this planet. I'm very anti society. I've contemplated suicide because of how I feel. I've tried killing myself twice now since I was 16. I'm 26 now. I just don't feel like I fit anywhere.

TL;DR: I've been depressed since I was a teenager. I recently had a really ugly break up. I'm probably a sociopath or something and I feel like not existing would benefit me since I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.