might be triggering idk.

I’ve been feeling very hopeless lately. I’ve had very bad anxiety my whole life and the only time it’s ever gone away is for 2 days during the first couple days of taking my meds. Then it got very bad for a month and after that, it’s been the same it’s always been. 

I know my boyfriend loves me very much but I’m constantly super worried that he’s going to leave me or be tired of me or annoyed of me or leave me because of my anxiety (like everyone else in my life has) or even that he’s going to die or something. I always talk to him about it and he tries to reassure me but I hate hate hate bringing it up with him because I can see how it’s affecting him and it makes him sad and I absolutely don’t want to drag him along through my suffering.

I feel like such a burden. I even hated sharing these thoughts with my therapist for the first month because I didn’t want to burden him or anyone with my problems but eventually I opened up. I’ve been taking meds and seeing this therapist since early august but it feels like I haven’t made any progress.

I just don’t know if I’ll ever be normal. If I’ll ever stop being constantly worried or stressed. It affects my day-to-day life and I hate it so much. I can’t focus on anything I’m doing and whenever I try to learn a skill or work on a project, sometimes my anxiety distracts me so bad that I have to stop everything I’m doing, go to my bed, and just sob for a couple hours. Then I feel bad that I wasted my time just being sad.

I’ve tried everything. Meditating, distractions, writing it out, therapy, meds, talking about it, not talking about it, everything. I’ve tried everything. Nothing helps. Nothing works. 

I’ve just started to feel lately that it’s never ever going to go away and that I’ll always suffer and everyone who enters my life will be dragged along through my suffering and I HATE THAT so much! How can I be okay with putting my loved ones through such pain??

Please help me.
I don’t want to bother people anymore. I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I just want to go away forever.