(possible trigger: insults) i feel like scum, which I should. I have a  few diagnosed disorders including an anxiety disorder. 

i was walking out of the store with my mom, and I’m just a generally distracted, anxious person that contributes to carelessness. so I opened up her car door too roughly and it chipped a small piece of paint from the person next to us’ car. 

THEN FOR SOME FUCKING REASON I decided to wet my finger and get off the paint because somehow I thought it was paint from my moms car??? and because I was worried about a scratch. I realized what I did then wiped my print off with my sleeve. I completely forgot about the big bad Virus (that still exists) and germs and the fact that this was someone else’s car I touched. This probably damned me. 

I told my mom what happened and she said it’s not a big deal and I’m worrying about nothing. I told her it would be the right thing to do to give them my information on a piece of paper. and I have terrible memory so I don’t remember what else she said, but the poor woman ended up coming out of the store and didn’t notice it. I told my mom about getting my fingerprint on it because im also anxious by police and being stupid.

I wanted to get out of the car and apologize but for some reason I turned completely numb and wouldn’t budge from my seat. I kept moving around but wouldn’t open the door, then the woman ended up driving off. 

Then we left, and I brung it up again, and my mom snapped and said it would be on her insurance and called me an idiot for not realizing that, and that doing ‘the right thing’ is bullshit basically and karma doesn’t exist cause I was talking about not wanting to go to hell  and told me to learn to be smart like her all infront of my toddler sibling. 

I damaged someone’s property, my grandpa and mom said it’s fine it happens but it’s not fine, and I didn’t even take the chance to open the door or leave a fucking note like I wanted. I just let her go. like the least I could do was apologize. Why is my brain so fried? 

I think I was terrified she'd turn violent even though i kept telling myself I deserve whatever she does to me because I was careless and damaged her property. 

I’m 17, I’m an adult so why do I act like this? This is a fucking disease man.