in my past I've always had great ups and downs, where the downs are getting lower and lower. the last week was horrible, I am on my period, struggling with an ed, I am getting sober, couldn't sleep and eat at all, nearly broke up with my bf, felt the loneliest I ever felt, cried 4 hours a night and not even going to work and seeing people could change my mind about wanting to aliven't myself (the fact that i can joke about it rn is a joke itself). 
today I woke up, the sun is shining and i feel motivated for the fucking day. what the actual fuck, like how is someone supposed to take my pain seriously when my mood switches from suicide to positive in a night?! and I am not able to feel it, I am just happy and that's it. I'm thinking about the last days, that it wasn't even that bad and I would've never ended myself but I know how close to death I felt only yesterday night and how my friend worried about me. 3 people were close to getting me committed for grippy sock jail and now I dont fucking get it!! brruuhhhh this emotions shit is so exhausting, nobody can handle me. maybe its just PMS lol I hate myself so much