It's been a long time since I've felt the need to do this. I'd even gone so far as delete my old burners, thinking I didn't need them anymore. But here I am, right back where I started.

Simply put, I'm struggling to find reasons to live. I just don't really see the point. The world is so full of difficulties and stress. I spend most of my life toiling away at a meaningless job I hate, and for what? A few moments of not feeling miserable here and there. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why struggle when there's no real reward? Is my prize chronic pain, because feeling like crap 24/7 doesn't make this any better. 

I know people say family or friends are a reason to live, but they just aren't. Not at my own personal expense - am I just supposed to spend the next 50+ years miserable for their sake? And yet, my biggest worry is hurting them. It's pathetic - most of them wouldn't give a damn if I disappeared, and yet that's what stops me.

Right now, it's 1:44AM and I'm just about on the verge of tears. I don't cry much any more with these emotion-killing antidepressants, but I've just about reached my limit of existence. I can't sleep. I can't breathe. I'm torturing myself just by being here, and I can't do anything to make it better. If I have to stay here, I just need something to be ok. Because, honestly, I just can't take it anymore.