I (17NB) met a girl (16F) when I was 13. We have been best friends for years, we talk every day, we know everything about each other. She lives in place B and I live in place A, aka a far distance. She's my FP and has been for the past 3 years. We dated way back in 2018-2019, but broke up during one of my episodes (before I knew it was an episode) and we split up romantically. 

A few months after that, she got a girlfriend and I was *severely* jealous because when we weren't dating, I realized she was my one and only forever. I have tried dating elsewhere, but tunnel vision of her has gotten stronger and stronger. 

Now, she's dating another person who is *just like me* in many ways (Mexican, trans, fluxuates names and pronouns ) and this other person lives in the *same city as her.*

I know I'm jealous, I've talked to my therapist and tried everything to try and get over it, but I can't handle seeing them together. I notice I get very aggressive playfully, get a bit mean, and try and do things that would break them up (and try my hardest not to. I know the behavior's bad, I'm working on it) 

Today, we were in a voice call to work on a DND campaign that my friend is running, and I couldn't stand hearing them talk. They talked the way we used to, I could hear the love in her voice and I couldn't handle it.

I do *so well* managing my BPD and using all my skills - I frequently point out people who use but instead of and, I practice gratitude daily and love it, I keep calm in moments of stress - but she's my weak point. She makes everything in the brain go haywire and I don't know what to do. I can be completely undone by her and I can't fix it.