So I've been diagnosed with major depression at the age of 13, but besides occasional therapy in the beginning, I didn't get too much help. I was put on several medications, mostly antidepressants, but had to stop due to dangerous mental side effects.
Anyway - I am 17 years old now. For the past 4 years, my depression has been on and off, and hasn't gotten much worse than being mild on average. I would have a few months where I feel fine, not necessarily happy, but manageable. But this year has been the worst. I started feeling depressed again around my 17th birthday, in July. And it was party because of the fact that I was turning 17. And I know I am young, my life hasn't even started. For the last few months, I've been having suicidal tendencies almost everyday. 
I feel guilty for all of this. Because my life doesn't suck. (At least not at the moment, but I have a bad past- homelessness, bullying, family issues, CPS) Also because like I said, I know I'm young.
It's kind of hard for me to explain... But I have been unintentionally mentally torturing myself over the last 4 years. At this point I don't even know if this belongs here. But I've been attempting to comfort myself by imaging "fake characters". Without this distraction, I would become... A nobody? (Lay in bed, not talk to anybody, not eat, feel empty) But it's mentally helped me. I was able to stop myself from crying by imaging i had someone there comforting me. And due to this, I've pushed off so many important things. I'm in online school, and I'm failing highschool because I've procrastinated so much because I was so obsessed with living in my head. I would pace for hours and hours listening to music, living in a world of my own. But sometimes I'll snap out of it- and realize that none of it is real. It gets so intense that I get strong feelings of killing myself. I cry at night when I even bare the thought of it. None of it is real. It never will be. 
But anyway - I guess I just feel like this is all my fault. I have no friends, an unstable family, poor self-discipline, intense social anxiety, I've isolated myself, and more. 
I think because of the fact that I am getting older, I know I can't continue doing this. I can't continue living in my head. And its tearing me apart. I just want to stay in my room and dream. Its like its always been my heaven, but is slowly turning into my hell. 
And then there is the guilt - I feel I've wasted so much time. 4 years... Pacing between 4-6 hours a day, daydreaming 8-10. It's all i think about. No matter what I do. And I feel so stranded and worthless. And I feel I want to die, but I'm scared to give up on my only life. 
I feel guilty not taking care of my responsibilities. I've neglected my health, social life and school work to such an extreme. I can't talk to my mom much about this, mainly because she has problems of her own (PTSD, panic disorder, ocd, depression, anxiety) She is disabled so me and my sister have to take care of her. I've brought this up once and she didn't understand.
But at this point I don't feel I deserve anything. Nothing make some happy anymore. The only thing that is keeping me alive is the main thing that is making my depression worse.(my coping mechanism). 
This is all my fault... And I just want to give up. It's like I can't get any deeper in the hole I've dug myself into.

I'm sorry if this is hard to understand. I just feel so lost. My depression has never been as intense as this. I just felt the need to vent.