earnestly trying to lose weight for example, i feel like my mom is going to judge me or making snide comments that would ruin it. exercising feels shameful.

I am thinking of applying the university again but then i remembered how i already failed once, if i talk now it feels like they would judge me further. Maybe they don't mean it but they sure don't share alot of my personal values (ie they're Muslim, I'm atheist, etc). There's huge lump in my throat the more i think about this, not to mention i suck at verbalizing my thoughts without getting emotional.

It feels like i hate them and also wanted their approval, i want to die but too cowardly to do it rn