tw: neglect/abuse mention

i was telling him how part of the problem i'm dealing with is lack of support and emotional validation.  i mentioned telling my mom i was suicidal, and her responding with just a sad emoji.  he told me that's to be expected, because dealing with my problems can be exhausting and she probably just didn't know what to say.

i've been absolutely devestated all day.  maybe i wouldn't be so exhausting to deal with if you and mom hadn't emotionally abused and neglected me, dad.  i'm sorry that the trauma you gave me caused me to be like this.  and i'm sorry that you have to deal with a fraction of the exhaustion i have to deal with *living* with this 24/7.

and when i cried after he said that, he said "what's the point of talking if i can't be honest?"

i already know that i am too much, but hearing it from my own father just cuts deep.  it feels like a cold pit in my stomach.  i don't even want to deal with me, so i guess i don't know why i expected anyone else to want to either.