so i’m in a lesbian relationship and me and my partner has been together since we were 13. So 5 years. She is very dependent on me though not to extent that i am on her. She is emotionally stable for the most part and because she literally grew up with me, she knows how i function and she wants to stay with me forever in spite of it all. She says to her love is a “conscious  choice she makes everyday”. I love her so much and she is like a God to me in a way, which is why i freak out and do the whole break up with me thing. But she’s like we’re perfect for each other and basically doesn’t let me break up with her in the heat of the moment. Yes i know, one in a lifetime relationship ESPECIALLY for someone sick like me.

However sometimes i feel irresistibly guilty for being with someone who treats me right. Had I not been in a relationship with her, i would definitely be dating anyone who just shows attention to me, no matter how the treat me. Sometimes though, her “good” attention isn’t enough and i post on gross subreddits for men to hit me up. These subreddits are extremely degrading and the men who are into it are basically sick and want to abuse women. It’s beyond normal healthy bdsm. They are literally predators.

First time i did it I was 16. This is about the time my BPD started really developing. At the same time i was processing past abuse by my step dad and had no therapeutic outlet for it. I was harming myself but it still wasn’t enough. I went on a subreddit for people with &gt;!rape!&lt; kinks and told them all  out my daddy issues, it wasn’t to find dudes to have a relationship with, it was for coping w the sick thoughts in my head. I got a ton of help messages explaining me psychologically, and a ton of predatory dudes looking to take advantage of my vulnerability. However there was this 40 year old ish man who i had a kinda relationship with. I never sent nudes or did sexual things, but we talked about how i needed a “dad” to take care of me. He obviously wanted to fuck me. I knew that but i still talked to him mostly about my life and day to day stuff. I talked to him about my gf and how i was faithful to her but my daddy issues were making me need male validation. this went on for maybe a couple weeks at most. Eventually we were “planning a trip” to meet him in kansas and he would show me around (have sex with with me) which i was just entertaining and ghosted him as he started to ask about paying the ticket. I never talked to him again.

This i did like last week. Im a newly diagnosed person with BPD and i feel like maybe since being diagnosed i’ve indulged in my self destructiveness because it’s “who i am” and it’s something “i cant entirely control”. I know it is fucked up and i really want to DBT to start getting myself together. Anyways i was feeling horribly and desperately lonely. I was also feeling like i needed to both sabotage and punish myself. My girlfriend was busy and couldn’t be with me and i was too lazy to physically harm myself I guess. Anyways i posted a picture of my ass in a thong to basically a &gt;!rape!&lt; fetish subreddit. IMMEDIATELY i got like 40 dms that ranged from “hello” to “im going to beat the shit out of you wh*re”. It was scary but i liked the attention and i liked the fact that it was hurting me. At times i feel almost possessed by a drive to destroy myself. I guess that was one of the times. There was so many messages but i only responded to some, maybe like 5. It would be one response like “tell me more” basically and the dude would send back disgusting shit to me. I had two longer conversations. One i was telling him about how i have this drive to hurt myself and he was like “that’s hot” and asked to call. I was like no, because it would put my privacy out there. he then asked for pictures and i knew he was talking about nudes but i sent him a picture of me with blood running down my leg from cutting myself a ton just to see what he would say. He said it was hot lmao and i wasn’t interested in continuing the conversation. Another dude tho i pretended i was going to throw my life away and move to like colorado to be his n word (im black) breeding slave. I talked about it with him for like 2 hours tops and the conversation ended on me asking if he had a wife and kids and him saying basically all of that stuff doesn’t matter and im his wife now. I genuinely could not tell whether or not he was actually serious about this, and just deleted my whole reddit because i had enough attention and was starting to feel too disgusted with the whole experience. 

Those are my two experiences. I don’t know if it’s cheating or not. I wasn’t emotionally connected/physically attracted to the men at all because i’m a lesbian. I literally just wanted to sabotage and hurt myself. Which i did. Now i feel gross for what i did and wish i never did it. I got my wish i guess. I’m fucked up.