I got extremely close with someone over the past few months, they became an FP I haven't had in several months.

She kinda figured out I have BPD, and she still accepted me.
I warned her, oh, I warned her so many times that she hadn't seen me truly split yet. She hadn't seen me have aassive spat of jealousy, of extreme anxiety, of anger. But she said she'll handle it when it shows up. I said I will try to cut her off. She said she wouldn't let me.

And then, yesterday arrives. She does nothing wrong, just goes out on a date and doesn't answer her phone for a few hours. And ohhhhh boy does that set me off. I start having a panic attack, I try ignoring her when she realizes and wants me to speak to her. She said she doesn't care if I explode at her, she just wants me to speak to her.

So I call her. I vent, I explain my jealousy, my sadness, my knowing we won't spend the rest of our lives together. I cry, something I normally am good at holding in, but I couldn't this time. I try to ditch her, abandon her, but she makes me promise to not do it. I eventually promise that I won't, and I then proceed to spend the next two hours convincing her to drop me. It hurt her, I can tell. I know I mean a lot to her, even if I don't mean as much to her as she means to me. 
But even so, that's got to be just... Tiring. So tiring.

This bled over a bit into the morning, and I text her "I feel hollow"

After not opening my text for hour or so, she says "I feel emotionally exhausted, I need to be left alone, I need space".

I need space. Ok. That's just.... In my experience.... A goodbye without calling it a goodbye.

So she ditched me without me ditching her so uh. Plan successful? If that even was the plan (I'm not quite sure it was). Either way, I've got her convinced, perhaps I'm good at convincing people about that stuff.

I love her, but I know I have to let her go. I don't quite know how to let her go, I love speak with her, texting her, snapping her, all of that. She is far far far from perfect but she cared about me. She said she did the bare minimum for me and that it's not a lot, but if it's the bare minimum, why does nobody else do that for me? 

I miss her already. I haven't cried since she told me she needed space, but the tears will come. I do not know when, but oh lord they will come. It sucks, it sucks so damn bad.

And I'm going to her house in December... I'm friends with her sister and I will not cancel those plans because I ruined a relationship of mine by being too honest and forward. I do not know how everything will work out, but I have my suspicions that it'll go ok with me and her family, and be non existent between myself and her.

I am sad.
I love her.
Goodbye, dear friend.