I'm 6'2" and two years ago I weighed 300 lbs. I started fasting, basically going from BED to BN-NP. As of today, I weigh 188 lbs.

For most of time I've been dieting, I've managed not to go too low on calories, but over the summer I was getting down to 600 calories a day or less. I started to freak out about how I was damaging my health and how if I lost weight too quickly I'd have gross sagging skin, and basically had one long binge episode throughout the entire month of August. 

I managed to get through it while only gaining back around five pounds, and I resumed my diet four days ago. I'm trying to stay healthy this time and aim for between 1200 and 1300 calories per day. A lot of times at night, I'll have 900 or 1000 calories logged, and start thinking, you know, going below 1200 won't be so bad so long as I don't do it everyday. I've managed to convince myself to eat a little more, and I've hit my calorie target every night so far (without going over either). 

I was seeing more than a pound of weight loss per day for the past three days. I know it's only water weight, so it doesn't really count, but it really feels good to see the numbers drop like that.

This morning, I gained back a pound and a half. Again, my rational brain knows it's just water weight and constipation and this kind of day-to-day fluctuation is normal and doesn't mean anything, but she isn't exactly steering the boat, especially late at night. I feel like it's only a matter of time before I start undereating again.

I feel like because of my height, I have to be really thin to overcompensate. My ribs are somewhat visible through my skin now, and I know it's unhealthy, but that really makes me happy. I can't wait to lose more so my spine and the bones in my hands and arms become more pronounced.

I'm also in the process of slowly bleaching my skin and hair. I feel so frail on the inside I want to look the part. There's a reason it's called the "waif" look after all.

I fundamentally can't tell if I'm pretty or not. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the road to becoming really stunning, and other times I feel like hopelessly ugly and I should just give up. I've been getting more street harassment lately (which I love/hate), so I guess that means something, but no matter how much I improve my looks it never feels like enough.

**TL;DR.** I'm the stereotype of the crazy white girl with an eating disorder, and it's only a matter of time before my body issues get the better of me.