I'm 32 and living in Houston. I'm on my 3rd layoff in 4 years. My degree is worthless. My insurance just ran out and I'm diabetic. Rent is due on the 1st and I'm selling all my stuff to pay for it. Idk what to do. The ppl around me all seem to be happy and content but I'm the lowest I've ever been. As a kid, I used to fear death. Like to the point of panic attacks. as of late I don't fear it as much, if at all. I'm tired of pretending to be ok, I'm tired of filling out applications, I'm tired of the interviews, and I'm tired of the sadness. Idk what to do. I have no answer for anything. I'm at my lowest point and all everyone keeps telling me is "keep pushing" "be happy" and "it could be worse". I don't think that's what you tell someone in my position. Everyone around me is happy and living life. I was already behind but now I have absolutely no hope of catching up. I've always been a prideful person too so that doesn't help. I can't just go and do anything. Mentally that would fuck me up. I just don't know what to do anymore. Comparison is what's killing me. If I didn't have diabetes I would just run away, start over,  and live off of noodles. But I can't just do that. I recently found out I suffered from ADHD which explains a lot. I could never fully concentrate on school or work. I was constantly tired and lacked energy and motivation. No, I'm not overweight. I'm 6'0 195lbs. The addy helps now. If I would have had this in HS, there's no telling where I'd be. I'm just over it. I'm over this dumb grind. I'm over all of the bullshit we value. I'm over this game of life. Why do we subject ourselves to this bullshit? My mom prays for me but she suffers from severe mental illness. I fear that's what I'm dealing with as well. She pushes me to religion but I fear I only pray to cover my ass. I'm not even sure if I fully believe in anything. I'm starting to feel that all of this is pointless. If that's the case. Then why do we even do this? Why do I even care? Why am I so prideful? Why am I so anxious? If I just died now, nothing would change. I'm nothing. I don't matter in the big scheme of things. None of us do. Why do we fight so hard to tell each other to keep on fighting when this shit is all pointless? Why don't we just tell each other to throw in the towel? I'm done... I'm over it.