so first let me start off by apologizing in advance because i don’t know if anybody would be mad im posting this here or if im not allowed. i am NOT self diagnosing i genuinely want peoples opinions and i also don’t know anywhere else to post this. so i think i have bpd. my mom was diagnosed with it and my dad possibly has it. i’ve always thought from a young age that there was something wrong with me i just couldn’t figure out what it was. not necessarily that there was something wrong but there was something different about me compared to other people and i always just felt off. at first i thought maybe im bipolar and i researched it a lot and related with a lot of it but i was never diagnosed so i kinda just went on with life still thinking there was something wrong but not knowing what it was. i knew what bpd was before and i related with a couple things but i mostly related to bipolar disorder so i kinda just shrugged it off and didn’t think about it again until i started seeing videos and tiktoks of people with bpd talking about it and i was like wow that’s literally me. all these years i’ve just wanted to find out what it is that’s going on with me. because like i said i’ve always felt something wrong. i’ve never had a sense of self or an identity i literally don’t even know who i am. when i look in the mirror i know it’s me but it doesn’t feel like me. you can ask me if i like a certain thing and i’ll say i don’t know. i’ll think about it hard but i can’t even remember if i experience joy from it or if it’s just boring. i don’t know any of my interests or what i want to do with my life. i have frequent identity crisis. for about the past year i’ve felt like i’ve been looking through a blurry mirror into a life that’s not mine. i have derealization constantly. i go from being hopeless and hating my life thinking i have no future to being excited about what’s in store and wanting to do things to progress in life. i scream at family members and turn into a different person when we’re in a fight. after the fights over i look back and i’m confused what i was even mad about and don’t even recognize myself like how could i have screamed like that. this happens a lot when i think about things from my past. i always think back and see myself being social or something and i’m just thinking wow how was i doing that because i feel like such a different person now like i couldn’t do that now who was i then. it’s hard to explain. also i cant even have a relationship anymore. i get interested in someone and i’m obsessed with them for a little bit but then i’m suddenly repulsed by them and everything they do!!!! it irritates me so much because i can’t even control it. i liked them so much and now they’re disgusting for no reason. this seems to happen in every relationship i get in. i don’t know if it’s a thing like i leave before they can leave me but if it is i do it subconsciously. my brain makes it happen. i just don’t know what to do anymore. i don’t know who i am or what i like or what i want to do in life. i cant describe my personality. i cant even have a decent relationship with someone without ruining it for myself. and every day feels hazy like i’m not even here. i have feelings, emotions, and thoughts daily that i can’t even describe. i also randomly feel the need to just leave my house and get away like go get drunk and do something spontaneous so i can i guess feel alive again and know i’m actually here and i feel things. it also feels like my mind is constantly racing. i have been diagnose with depression and anxiety although i’m not sure if i’m still depressed because i was diagnosed like 3 years ago. sometimes it’s on and off but i mostly just feel numb to everything now like i have no emotions. i have a history of SH but no longer do it. i also go through random periods of thinking everybody hates me and wanting to block everyone because i don’t even think they’ll notice or that they need me. there’s a lot more i could say that i’m probably forgetting i just need help. it may not be bpd but if you think it’s anything else please tell me. i’m going to talk to my therapist soon and figure it out but i just wanted some suggestions first and to know i’m not crazy. sorry if everything was a little confusing. what i’m feeling is confusing and very hard to explain .. i just want to feel like a normal person again. (i am not looking to be diagnosed or anything i just want any type of advice)