Hi all, I am new to reddit I used to have an old account but I barely used it. But I made another one to come here. I just got diagnosed, in mid March, but I have been having all my issues for a long time and been in therapy a year and half. Since being diagnosed it's been a little rough to cope with. Not on meds yet because I am still dealing with getting insurance and psychiatrist appointment all straightened out. 

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I was going to make a more general post first but my pressing issue that is on my mind tonight is with relationships. I get extremely suicidal often. Past attempt. Moderate self harming problem. I feel so guilty that people have to be close with me. Because I know it is nerve wracking. Always worrying and feeling saddened over someone else with suicidal impulses. Every time I talk about my suicidal thoughts I feel awful because I know I am making the other person worry about me, and I don't want to give that burden. I feel like I'm nearly manipulative for speaking about it. And I feel bad spending time getting close with people knowing that I might soon kill myself. It feels like leading people on. My best friend, he is very patient and gentle with me. He is the light of my life. I can't bear that I have to make him worry about me. Tonight I am feeling it especially bad after we were talking about it and I kind of broke down. I was half asleep... I got weird. I am ok if my illness makes my own life harder but I can't forgive myself for it making other people's lives harder too. I hate that I am this way and I sometimes can't help it. I have had messy ends to previous relationships, where I was too... much for the other person and pressing all my problems onto them. By now I feel like I have learned more, and have more solid boundaries about it. I do feel I have a strong and healthy relationship with him. But sometimes I just fear that it's all going to fall apart too. I feel like it's inevitable that someday I will be too much for him and he will leave me. I can't lose him and I can't forgive myself if I do. And I just feel so bad whenever I bring up my thoughts to him. How do you move past all the guilt. 

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I am sorry if this isn't coherent. Its late and I'm very tired but I feel like I can't sleep until I write this. I thought about calling a hotline too but they always feel not genuine to me. Now I've stayed up way too late and I have work tomorrow. Fucking damn it. It's my own fault for crying about it all night. 

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Is there any hope for it? Or is everything just doomed?