I want to write about how I am feeling. Or rather how I have been feeling over the last few weeks.

I don't really know how to properly structure this, or even where to start. So I'm going to just write what's on my mind, and hope to conclude something coherent. 

Today I have been unwell. And it used to be I would feel unwell once or twice a week, but now it seems to have reversed, and I am mentally well about once or twice a week, with the rest of the days challenging to get through.

Every day I usually wake up with my head feeling bricked. The feeling can be described as a blunted, dry feeling, also with excessive *pressure*. I always wake up very tired feeling, and the amount of hours usually doesn't change that. (However, being sleep deprived obviously has adverse effects on me during the day, but for reference I'll talk about getting enough sleep). I can sleep from 8-11 hours a night, enough for my body to feel rested throughout the day.

Lately my days have been mentally exhausting. For almost every day I am burdened with overwhelming emotion, and a constant pressure/pulling feeling in my head. There's a constant pulling in my head, with a strong desire to want to cry or scream or break down. And I feel this all throughout the day. I manage to push through it, I get through work, but at the end of the day it can leave me feeling so drained and exhausted. During the evenings I feel dizzy, sometimes sick to my stomach. I want to nap, but my mind races and it becomes a challenge to nap. It has also afflicted me with a lot of racing thoughts throughout the day, I try and keep busy to minimize it.

Lately I've noticed my behaviour has become a lot more closed off. I don't want to spend time with anyone, make plans, or go out. It was my sisters birthday 2 days ago on the 16th of December, and I worked and had to take the girlfriend to work after my shift. At the end of the day I told her I was too tired to give her her gifts. I had some gifts I wanted to give her. I just wanted to go home. And I did. In my mind, I didn't want to see anyone, I wanted to be alone. I went home to my computer and played more mindless Diablo 3. 2 Days later I still have not made the plans to give her her birthday gifts, and I feel like a horrible person.

I have been neglecting my men's step-study group. For almost a year now I attend a recovery step-study group every Monday. I have not attended every Monday, and some times I'll miss multiple weeks. Lately I've been personally feeling disconnected from the step-study group and its members. I have lost a lot of interest in it over the last few weeks. Plus it's challenging to try and attend it when I am unwell, trying to attend it in the evening when I am completely mentally drained. The last few weeks during open share I talk about stuff similar to what I am writing tonight. It's like my counsel without guidance; my struggles are heard but I cannot figure out what to do. (Note: the group is designed to support one-another, not fix one-another, I understand that and not expect to find therapy in the group, but it's nice to have my voice heard and let go of my struggles and emotions for the week)

About every third day I journal my thoughts, my struggles, and I try and make sense of things. Understandment is one of the vital keys to solving anything, and yet I cannot understand why I have been struggling so much lately. I cannot understand why I have lost all my emotion. I internally cry when I think about not being able to feel emotion, it brings me down and locks me in a depressed state. I think and focus a lot on myself, because I am trying to find connections or links to why I am the way that I am, or why I am unwell today. I can go back to previous journal entries and meditate on what I was feeling a few days ago to try and figure out a thought or feeling. Sometimes I find those connections of why I was unwell.

I think a lot of my issues stem from a poor childhood. A lot of behaviours I had as a child I notice are still reflected in me today. I have one sibling, my sister, and she struggles a lot harder than I do. God bless her.

A year ago today I was doing so extremely good, I could of told you I beat depression and would of felt confident in doing so. I can't believe how extremely difficult things have gotten in the last few months, and the hardest part is being unable to figure out why. 

I do also struggle with severe emotional blunting. (Anhedonia?) 

--

Thank you for reading. I omitted a few paragraphs that were either off tangent or excessive. I think the important thing I can say is I have not given up working on myself. Things have been getting extremely difficult, but I continue to work on myself and make conscious decisions to try and get better. But the mental struggles are real.