tw for violence towards animals, parental trauma, csa (?), etc.  
\----

i would like to preface this with my awareness that my trauma / psychological conditions do not excuse or nullify the impact and harm my actions have (and can) have on others. i am aware that some of the things i'm about to mention are "wrong" and have put things in place in my life to minimize my potential of lashing out and hurting others deliberately. 

as a child, i always struggled for my mother's attention and affection. growing up, my feelings / thoughts were either dismissed, mocked, or weaponized by her despite my efforts to please her. i was always a straight a student, and kept out of trouble for the most part. i went to a catholic elementary and middle school and had a very difficult time fitting in and making friends. i always felt like an outsider there, and like nobody wanted me around. this loneliness forced me to look for friendship elsewhere, mainly online -- when i was 10 i was active on flipnote hatena (i don't know if you guys remember when that was still a thing) and eventually ended up getting groomed there due to my desperation for attention and friendship. this incident ended up getting me put in a mental hospital for a week, which my mother accused me of doing to prevent being found out. 

i remember the months following my discharge from the hospital being so utterly traumatic and stressful. my behavior in school shortly before my hospitalization as well as after was "concerning" to the teachers and vice principal, so i was often in and out of her office being asked about why i said this or that. i remember telling the vice principal things , confiding in her promise not to repeat them to my parents, only to go home to my silently furious parents who would eventually interrogate and yell at me for the things i said earlier that day. the feeling of betrayal on her behalf had me beyond furious and i have journal writings from the time of me wanting to harm or even kill her. it felt like i was getting yelled at every day, and even though my mother now says she never blamed me for the grooming, i have distinct memories of her coming into my room to read aloud some of the very explicit and disgusting messages that were exchanged between myself and the two older guys who groomed me. i remember being told that my inappropriate / strange behavior in school as a result of the grooming would make my parents look bad. i was told that i knew what i was doing (getting groomed) was wrong because i would hide in my room all day talking to those boys on my devices in secret. i was put on risperidone in the hospital, but was made to discontinue its use after my parents said it made me act "weird." my mother would often make it a point, even years later, to tell me my lack of friends was because of certain behaviors of mine and my ignorance to social norms "scared people away." 

this event only exacerbated my existing anger issues -- even before this, i had a history of hurting animals. one of my pet lizards i had when i was very young died this way, and i would often beat and terrorize my dog and wouldn't be able to stop until he would bite me. i am now 18 and haven't laid a hand on him in many years, but i can't say i exactly feel remorse for my treatment of him. this isn't to say i would do it again, or think it was the right thing to do, because i know it's very wrong and that hurting animals is wrong. but i seldom feel guilt for the things i do, or have done. 

i share an explosive, unpredictable temper with both my parents (though particularly my mother). i have memories of her explosive histrionic episodes that featured both screaming and crying, which often were with the intent of making me feel guilty throughout childhood. when i would make her mad, she would drive erratically and dangerously while screaming and crying at me in the car in an attempt to intimidate me. i recognize her behaviors now as abusive and narcissistic, but during the time they caused me to develop a very deep rooted internalized sense of guilt, which i still carry today. i feel burdensome, and like i put everyone around me through hardship and suffering. i'm always afraid of my behaviors and monitor myself closely so as not to "scare others away," a phrase that i still hear in my head loud and clear.

i understand my past has made me a very troubled person. i've seen multiple therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors through the years, with no success. i don't know what i'm looking for from therapy. i genuinely do not believe anybody working in mental health will be able to understand me or the things i've experienced. yet i know that a professional is my best hope for living my life without hurting others. i feel like i often dissociate from my actions, which causes me to behave in ways that are harmful to others: i don't get into relationships anymore, because i've cheated on everyone i've been with (i feel no remorse despite my awareness that it's wrong), i'm vindictive, if i know i can get away with subtly hurting someone or making them uncomfortable, i will (only if they've bothered or irked me in some way), i have been outwardly hostile and aggressive to certain people (mostly people in public with trump or other conservative merch / propaganda items) and if i knew i could get away with hurting them, i would without hesitation. i am frequented by intensely violent thoughts and i know that if i don't figure out a way to get a grip on my behaviors that one day i genuinely will hurt somebody in a very serious way, which i don't want for a multitude of reasons. primarily, it would affect my standing with those in the professional and academic world (i cannot afford to lose my job or college education), and secondarily, i fear divine punishment / karma / whatever you want to call it. my ability to feel remorse or guilt is limited, but the fear of punishment is what keeps me from acting out most of the times.

the reason i feel beyond professional psychological help is because the immediate reaction of most people (understandably) is to rebuke me, to condemn me as a bad person or some other subjective moral judgment. i would most likely be sent to yet another mental hospital that would do nothing for me. i know i am capable of performing and even excelling in the real world, despite my behaviors and fears of rejection or ostracism. all my friends consider me a very bright and capable individual. so my question is: if not therapy / psychiatry of some kind, what are my options in ensuring i live a life that is as harmless to others as possible? does anybody else relate to these experiences and how do you manage it?