So I’ve been pretty stable since Christmas but this week has not been great for my BPD (for context I also have autism, currently work from home and live with my parent due to my mental health condition). But, from Monday I’ve just had to state of sadness where I just want to cry and I am losing control of myself. 


I phoned my nurse after I had a zoom call at work. During the zoom call I said I’m cat’ randomly while I dissociating during the zoom call which is a thing I used to say when I was young and didn’t know how process my emotions especially after the lost of my nana when I was 11. After I realised what I said my brain then goes to the extreme option of thinking need to quit my job or I’m going to get fired which is why I need to phone my nurse and was told I need a medication review soon. 

Move forward to today and I had an episode at lunch where I was just like nothing is real, I’m not real and it was getting to a dark place. This started a panic attack and my dad who is really good at helping me snap out of a panic attack we out at the time. Luckily my parent’s dog Maisie was there for me and her coming up to me and letting her stroke me slowly calmed me down. 

So, I was got myself into a calm date but then when I check my calendar I’ve missed 20 minute of a zoom meeting I organise. So, brain went back to the same extremes as the previous day from that I will be getting fire soon to I should quit. At least Maisie was by my side again to calm me down. I was panicking because I didn’t what excuse to say- I’m so bad at lying but I don’t want to tell then everything. 

After talking to a friend on discord, I then decided to write and apology email that you are trying to sort out a matter and will speak with some from HR soon about the issue. 

Then got a slack message from my boss (my boss also handles HR roles within the company I work for) saying if I am doing okay and I briefly explained physical I’m fine but mentally not so much. Will be having a meeting tomorrow for a support plan. I know my company know about my mental health but I’m kinda nervous. 

I just want better ways to cope because I don’t want people to feel like they to treat me differently due to having BPD.