Iv not been diagnosed with this explicitly . But a lot of what I experience unfortunately seems to point towards this. So I’m turning to here for advice 


I feel like shit today when I woke up something triggered me to think about how alone I am now. All of my old college friends don’t like me and I burnt the bridge with my old school friends . And the people in my life from the passed few years. Not that I can blame anyone because I know how I act has a play in this. I just wish I didn’t realise so late. I know I’m losing my close friend because I decided to attach to her and it’s been bullshit ever since. Like the moment I put someone in a certain place inside of my heart it becomes toxic as fuck. Like this swirling mess follows me inside and the people in my life when they inevitably entwine with me they’re exposed to it. Me and them both know it’s attached to me, I’m the one feeding it and I’m the one that can’t control it. I also kept myself ina shitty situation longer than I know I should have been because I liked it too. Even tho it was shit.

And I don’t even want to blame myself all the time I feel like people just want a thing to blame and I’m suggestible. Like I identify with the crazy so I’m the cause of the crazy. It drives me mad and I want to just blow up and move away because y should my existence be pathologiesEd. Iv always felt like a villain and now Iv made that my reality. Every single  word I write I’m screaming at myself to shut up. So maybe it’s not all justother People against me ..but when you get down to it whats the difference? We’re all conduits of the same source.....so people are against me because I act like they are. I even feel embarrassed showing love to my friend now when I didn’t used to. Because I know she feels certain ways about me and I guess I want to not be vulnerable and open myself up to someone that will leave me and keep me as that weirdo u don’t want anyone to see u with. bc I’m fucking weird. And maybe if I had experience being closer to people I’d know how to follow the script but I don’t so I offer nothing. Also I don’t blame her because it’s obviously not her fault I am this way. I think if I were dead atleast I’d be unable to fuck things up, or cause this grief that I cause. But I’m not gonna kms I’ll let the universe sort that one out. 

How do you deal with the regret over everything? I can’t believe we’re in 2021. I have almost no one now. Usually I am content with self isolation because my interaction with other people is the main source of my issues but rn I just feel so much regret and thst I’ll never feel like I’m a part of anything. Iv been complaining about the same thing for fucking years lol