title pretty much sums it up but there’s obviously a lot more to the situation and i have no idea how to go about the screening and prescribing processes, so grab some popcorn and buckle up…

for starters, i am 21 years old and i attend a very large public university which i am fortunate enough to receive student insurance through. this is important i think but like i said, i have no clue where to start. 

basically, i found out my divorced dad (since my mom was pregnant with me but had maintained mehhh relations with us otherwise) had been arrested for selling meth. this was at the age of 12 and i never told my mom that i knew. i hurt so bad but i learned to just internalize the pain and let the punches roll. it kept getting worse though and around my junior year of high school i broke down to my mom and told her everything i knew. i told her how i felt, i told her how sad i was, how scared i was of my peers judging me if they found out. she understood, but she told me that it’s just something i have to live with and we NEVER. SPOKE. ABOUT. IT. AGAIN. 

mind you, being a single mom forces you to be a rock in ways unfathomable, and i am in no way placing this on my mom, but she refused to let me seek any type of help to try and cope with understanding. i asked if i could see a therapist and she said no, i asked to get screened for meds and she gave me the “yOu WaNt MeDs FoR ThE rEsT oF YoUr LiFe!?!?” rant. since then, i have become literally emotionless. i don’t feel anything. i am literally just drifting through life and i don’t see a purpose to much at all anymore. 

flash forward to current day, about 2 weeks ago. my dad, who had since been released and had done a COMPLETE 180 in halfway housing, had been trying to be the father he never was. he seemed to really feel bad for never being there and blah blah blah. we were close for about a year after he got out and then very recently i found out he had been reincarnated. for the same shit. my feelings of abandonment and fear relapsed and now i feel like i’m at the same low i was junior year of high school. 

the only difference is now i am old enough to seek my own help and get the assistance i need without my mother’s approval. my current gf who is the only person i have ever even told about my dad out of fear of judgement, agrees that i would greatly benefit from assistance in this sense (she’s been on meds since HS). 

so my question is, where is the first step, how do i find a doctor, and how can i ensure that my mom doesn’t find out?

TLDR/ i had a junkie drug dealer dad which developed into mental issues. approached single mommy for help who told me no medicine. am now 21 and want to go about medicine but have no clue where to start because i am new to this but need help. 

i am sorry for typing so much it just felt good to finally feel like i could talk about my situation without any consequences. any and all help is much appreciated and i wish you all a splendid rest of your week. you’re never alone &lt;3.