Part of me wants to say I'm "in love with" my married friend, but am I even capable of love, or just projection and infatuation? I've had feelings for this friend for a few years and I think having a barely-there partner for the whole pandemic has left me starved to be with that friend again, who inspires me, makes me want to work hard, who actually does art with me, who is sweet, generous, funny, skilled, smart, creative, diligent, and very handsome... 

I'm getting better at controlling my moods but I don't want to be obsessing over someone I have no chance with and whose friendship I'd lose by ever making a move. (I have never flirted with the friend, never will, and I would never cheat)

My psyche is probably sorely in need of comfort (aren't we always as pwBPD, lol) and is latching on to the last person who ignited all those good feelings in me... I have to stop... I can't keep sitting all day in bed feeling empty and pointless... I don't want to be this fucking mess of a human, I want to be a great artist. Why can't my brain stop caring about receiving "love"? I hate this, I wish I was a robot.

Any advice on destroying g the concept of FP?