Hey all, this is my first post on this sub. I'll try to keep it short (I will probably fail): Basically, my anxiety has gotten so catastrophically bad in the last couple of years that I can't function like a normal person anymore. I've always dealt with mental health issues, I've seen several therapists/psychiatrists, etc. but it's just gotten so much worse. I got a remote healthcare job at the beginning of 2020 that I stayed at for a bit over a year, then tried to switch to another one when they wanted to force us back into the office. I only lasted a couple months at that one. Then I got another one. Had a total mental freakout and they allowed me some time off, until eventually I took too much and they ended my assignment.

I scraped by on surveys/plasma donations/other random stuff, and a decent-sized tax return, and I just landed another remote job about a month ago. Training was okay, it was hard to focus a lot of the time because anxiety is always tearing at me, but I got through it. Now I'm on the phones taking calls and I just. Can't. Do it. I get a call, they ask me a question/tell me what they need, and it's like my brain just turns into jello. I get tunnel vision, I put them on hold and I just start clicking randomly on different programs without any clear idea of what the hell I'm even trying to do. I thought I knew enough to get by, now I'm not sure if I know fucking anything. I just killed a call earlier because I just had no clue how to resolve it. We have a chat up where you can ask for help but I couldn't make myself do it because then all the supervisors and other employees would know I don't actually know jack shit and probably can't do this job. I took off, citing a "family emergency", because the thought of trying to take another call after that made me feel like screaming, crying, and vomiting all at once.

I don't know what the fuck to do. I feel indescribably ridiculous and pathetic for not even being able to fucking take phone calls in my pajamas anymore. I'm broke. I owe money. I can't be without a job for a long stretch again, especially now that inflation has gotten so crazy. I'm just as miserable without a job, it's still constant anxiety, AND I have no money or insurance. I know I need help. I don't know what to do. I can't get time off, I just started this job and they're probably already getting suspicious because I've missed a few days already, counting today. If I get fired I'll be back to square one and the whole fucking process will just start all over. 

&amp;#x200B;

What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm trapped in a never-ending feedback loop that just gets worse. I can't talk to my family about it and the few close friends I have can only do so much, they're not therapists and I can't just come at them with negativity and shit every time we talk. I just seriously don't know what to do. I wish I could get hit by a bus or something so I could have the excuse of recovering in the hospital for a few weeks. Knowing I'm going to have to try to get on the phones tomorrow with more than likely the exact same result is so utterly soul-crushing that I can't breathe.

I just don't know what to fucking do. I'm so sick of it.