After the dust settles and you stand witness to the destruction you've wroth during your elevated state of euphoria, you begin to weep.

*Message couldn't be delivered*

You know this lurching feeling deep within your chest, you've experienced it all too many times. Another relationship destroyed, another friendship severed. You've become numb to it all now, but there was  one that truly mattered. Where you tried your best. You opened up, you let them in. You tried. You really tried this time. You fell yourself slipping.. you feel that rush of adrenaline.. the vibrating in the back of your eyes, you know it's coming but you fight. You hold it back because you know this one it worth it. 
You push them away because you know, you know what you do. You know once the world explodes in chaotic light that you'll do something that breaks them, that burns and scars them so you run, because you know what the other you does to people you care about. You convince yourself that you'll never hurt them,  that they matter, but once you slip into the light, you know it's too late. 


You vision clears, you're mouth is dry. You begin to weep because you know without checking that it's happened again.

*I HATE YOU* they say, as you try and piece together your fragmented memories of what you did. You begin to remember and you start to laugh. Because laughing is all you can do because you know.. you know it happened again.


The emptiness inside is all consuming. All devouring. Alcohol is never enough. Food is never enough, women are never enough. Life is never enough. You gorge yourself on every experience because it soothes the pain of the emptiness that eats away at your mind. 


*Just for a moment* the pain stops the thoughts stop, you feel sated, but you know it won't last, that's when you being to sink. Your legs are heavy  your body is being dragged down into the abyss of emptiness, you beg and plead for it to stop, for it to wait. You gave it what it wanted. You did everything but why won't it stop.

*Apathy*
You care for nothing. You care for no one. 
Your S.O is crying you roll your eyes and leave the  room. Your favorite program is airing, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. You just want to feel something, anything. Nothing works nothing feels right. Nothing is ever right. 


*Reflection*
  You seek help, you know this isn't sustainable.
The doctor puts you on a cocktail of meds that make you feel.. nothing. Not the familiar nothingness you've known all your life. But an absolute nothingness that defies reason. You realize that this you can live with. You want for nothing, you desire for nothing. You confess to yourself that you'd rather feel nothing, than desire everything. This way you'll never hurt the ones you love again.