I(25F) have successfully bpd'ed my way into isolation and loneliness. Odd sleeping hours, 800 calories(roughly) a day... 
Suicidal for almost a year and I finally cut myself again(I was a cutter 8+ years ago). Just shallow splices towards my elbow, but it felt scarily calming. 
I'm supposed to be seeing a therapist any time now. I've been on the waiting list for DBT since July. We are currently playing phone tag.
I have no friends. I have no contact with my daughter. My family is not a family. I hate myself. 
The world is a horrible cruel place... war, animal slaughter... I feel too aware to ever be happy again. I don't know if I ever was, to be honest. 
I half heartedly wrote the beginning of a suicide note. I haven't been able to really write since all of my poetry and writing was thrown away back in 2008. That residual 'writer's block' passes on to my end note as well. 
I've been reading about suicide and reading suicide notes online. 
How lucid so many of them are... that's how I feel. I feel impulsive irrational emotions but when I calm down and the idealization remains, it becomes more real. I can vividly paint a picture in my mind of what certain things would feel like. 
I attempted suicide 3 times when I was younger(15, 16, 16). I'm convinced that is how I'm going to go.
I'm technically engaged, but I push him away whenever I can. He is co-dependent and even as I have pointed this out to him he is convinced that he is still with me by his own volition. I don't believe that. We were great, until I wasn't. He doesn't know how to handle this. My behavior, my being suicidal. I don't want to call a hotline because they just make me feel silly- pouring my heart out to a stranger that just asks questions meant to distract you. 
Is all of western medicine just to treat symptoms and not find solutions? Why are there 1-800 numbers all over the globe but I have to wait 5 months to speak to someone in person to get help? I even went into a crisis center and told them I was having suicidal ideations, but because I didn't have a plan in place they put me on a waiting list and sent me on my way. 


Not too long after that I got a call that my mom needed me a few hours away. that was July 17th. 
My brother died in my arms September 2nd. 
I don't know how to cope with everything by myself. 
Having BPD, having no family support, having zero friends... I don't function. I can't even say that I barely function- I just don't. I just want the pain to end. I want to not exist. I want to not be a burden on society and my fiance. I want to just disperse throughout the universe as billions of cells. 