Hey guys. I'm new, because I only got diagnosed a little over a month ago, and I'm having difficulty with a relationship. We were perfectly fine before I realized I was in love with him, and then he turned into what a lot of people call a 'favorite person' and when the holidays came up and we both got busy at work and with family, I started hurting bad, convincing myself he was disgusted with me and was making fun of me, sending him tons of word vomit messages when he was asleep... It wasn't pretty. I have been pretty emotionally stable for years, and in the past month or so I've had full-body sobbing breakdowns several times. 

And today I realized that I have been erasing important parts of myself to mold myself into what I think he'll prefer. Changing opinions. Disagreeing for a while, then claiming that I was phrasing it wrong but I actually agreed with him all along. 

He is a good person. He's new to all this and he has his own mental health issues, but he is trying to understand and learn, and he has been supportive. He's talked me down from panic attacks and flashbacks. This is absolutely NOT his fault. But I can see these harmful behaviors and I know I need to stop them if I want any kind of future with him. Even as friends. 

(Sorry this is getting wordy)

Anyway, I can't afford a therapist (I'm gonna see about using BetterHelp or talkspace but rn i don't even have the money for that) but I've been reading articles and downloading apps and trying to figure out DBT. This morning I thanked him for talking me down from a panic attack last night, he went to bed, and by the time he woke up I had left him messages explaining the situation and telling him I was going to cut off contact with him for a few days. I've deleted Discord so I won't be tempted to stare at his online status. It feels like withdrawal from an addiction. It's been only a few hours and my chest feels hollow and I feel isolated and alone. I'm trying to distract myself with video games, classes, work, anything.

Is this... right? In your experience, will it do any good? I want to cut off this 'favorite person' stuff and stop it in its tracks. I've been friends with him for 15 years and only now is this rearing its head.

(Incidentally, my doctor recently took me off of Trileptal which I'd been taking for seizures that I haven't had in years, and I have discovered Trileptal is a mood stabilizer, so I'm wondering if going off of it exacerbated these symptoms)

But my main question is this: Has anyone tried forcibly distancing themselves from their 'favorite person' for a time in order to get back to a healthy relationship with that person? And also, does anybody know a way to stop from agreeing with someone to avoid conflict because you don't want them to stop liking you? 

Again, sorry this is so wordy. I'm very new to all of this and I'm not sure what to do.

UPDATE: Well. All the unhealthy behaviors I had picked up to try to keep him from leaving... caused him to leave. I don't know what to do. How to get help. How to stop this from happening. I feel like my whole life I'm just doomed to be a manipulative, clingy liar who keeps losing people because of my shitty actions. 