I don't know if it's my fault, I don't know if it's her fault.

I'm not blaming either of us, I'm just going to describe how this makes me feel. I understand that it might just be my impression and it also might be that I'm right. It's just how I feel about this from my point of view.

That said, I'm very frustrated. I feel very unsatisfied about how we're spending time when we play games. Most of the time we do things I feel kinda meh about, I just kinda go along with it because if I don't, we have fuckall to do. I asked at some point if she could do it too, if we could do something I really wanna do even if she doesn't feel excited about it, I explained that it's a normal thing to do, she says it's not. In my experience all the friends I had before always kind of still did things they weren't super excited about to make the other friends happy, knowing that the favor would be returned. I don't get this with her, so personally I feel like I either do something I don't feel like doing or we don't spend time together.

She doesn't take advantage of me though, she tries really hard to make sure it's actually ok to do something and when she feels like I'm not honest about being ok with it she feels guilty, so it's not like she's being an asshole, she's not taking advantage of it, she just doesn't know how to reciprocate I think.

Either way lately she started getting in the mood for a game I adore, a game that just makes me happy to play, so I was being VERY hopeful about starting to actually play this game in a serious way, so to speak, what I mean is just playing it with some dedication, not playing a little then dropping it like we usually do.

When I brought up the option today things went poorly, she just kinda said she didn't know, muted the voice chat for a while because she was feeling stressed. She didn't specify if it was because of it, but I have a strong gut feeling that that was the reason.

I don't know what to do. I want to play with her, I want to spend time with her, I love her, she's my friend... But at the same time I can't keep this up, it's disheartening, almost every game we play is a game I feel "meh" about, the few times I feel happy about a game it just doesn't last long.

I can't even play those games on my own in freedom, I can only play content we already played so I don't feel very accomplished because she wants any progression to be done together.

I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just gonna stop going along for stuff that doesn't make me happy, hopefully we'll find something new we both feel excited about, but because of how things are going I feel brushed off. Every time I bring something like this up I feel brushed off. "We'll see" "We'll figure it out", and basically it's put on hold.

We were in a roleplay guild in world of warcraft, I wrote a story I wanted to play with the guild and, of course, the guild fell apart.

My disappointment was huge, I really wanted to play that story because I think, and all my friends I told about it agree, that it's a very good story. I brought up the issue to her many times, she always said "we'll figure something out" and we never fucking did, I feel brushed off so fucking much.