Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I've decided to reach out to the wider audience because I don't trust myself (haven't for a while) and writing out my thoughts has always been a better way for me to objectively look at a situation 

I'm suicidal and recently tried ending my life (within the last 4 months) but as I've been doing for over 10 years managed to talk myself out of it, logically forced myself from the edge and just continue to meander through life.  

The reason I finally came close to ending it all was because I had an opportunity to end my life where it wouldn't have looked like a suicide, it was all staged to look like an accident and that ability to die without all my loved ones knowing it was my doing was just so so tempting.  

The groundwork, I've been chronically depressed for at least 10 years and closer to 20.  I'm in my mid 30s and my life is essentially unfulfilled and in shambles.  I live with tremendous shame and self loathing because my depression has made me self sabotage my life which has only exacerbated my depression and created a cycle.  I wholly blame myself for my own situation because I've been ruining my life for years.  So I don't really empathize or sympathize with myself because I'm to blame.  However I also rationally know that depression makes people act irrationally and therefore I deserve a chance to try life without being so encumbered.

I don't actually feel 'sad', that's not the kind of depression I deal with.  At this point I simply don't have a will to live, I'm unbelievably neutral about the whole situation.  My current state of affairs is rather abysmal and I have no motivation to improve it, just an understanding that once it gets bad enough I'll be able to end it all.  There's the expression "You can't help someone who can't help themselves" well, I really want to want to live but I lack any self advocacy.

I've tried getting help for years, twice I've been put on a super low dosage of SSRIs for 2-3 months at a time before the doctor simply refused to renew my prescription.  I've failed out of three post secondary programs due to mental health collapses and I just slipped through the cracks.  I failed out of Uni with an A- average in my 3rd year after developing exam anxiety and failing all my exams.  This happened twice more in another  program at Uni and at College.  I've had numerous professors write letters of recommendations for me because I was an excellent student until I collapsed.  
This was all 8 years ago, so not recent but this is kind of how it started.

After the loss of one of my parents during COVID my mental health tanked, absolute free fall.  My self actualization and self interest went to zero, I lost my ability to enjoy anything (out of shame).  I just spend my days in self isolation, alone and I feel too guilty to play videogames or play guitar or enjoy anything life has to offer and yet I can't manage any basic life skills to improve my situation.  I've been in a hole for so long.

I haven't worked since COVID started, I've burned through all my personal savings and my small inheritance (which just fuels more self loathing).  

I know objectively I could turn everything around, it's not that hard I tell myself, I can see the situation objectively and yet... There isn't an ounce of energy or desire to live.... I don't know how else to explain it.  I just don't have a will to live but I don't want to be this way anymore.

I'm in Ontario Canada and for all the talk about 'mental health', so far in my experience it's unavailable to people like me.  I've contacted 36 Doctors offices trying to become a patient, nothing, went to a walk in clinic telling them I was in crisis and didn't know where to turn (recently) and was turned away.  The suicide Hotline had great advice such as 'Listen to happy music" but they couldn't actually get me into any kind of help, that was still all on me and well... 

I am nearly certain I have undiagnosed ADHD but getting any treatment on that front hasn't gone anywhere and combined with depression I'm essentially inept.  I know my IQ was tested when I was about 12-13 and although I don't know my exact score (parents took that to the grave) I was told I was in the 90th+ percentile which was often weaponized against me whenever I struggled as a teen/young adult.  'If only you focused' 'If only you applied yourself' etc.

Again, this has all just created a cycle of shame and self loathing so deep I don't even know if I have a personality outside of 'despair'.  I'm clean cut, well dressed, well spoken and articulate which I believe has made it that people don't take me seriously when I try to explain that I'm at rock bottom.  

I fell into cooking and I absolutely hated it but it's been the only work I've done since I failed University.  So my skillset is useless but even cooking I fell out of because for the last 3 years before COVID I would have panic attacks and extreme anxiety almost every week before going to work... I'd either shake or vomit going into work.  

This all reads like a manic rant and I apologize, I simply want to paint the picture of this 'life' I've created for myself which I think would make even the happiest person miserable.  I've taken the phrase "You can't love someone unless you love yourself" to heart which is why I've been single for the past 10 years and haven't even been in a casual relationship in the past 6.  I allowed my license to expire years ago because I was convinced I'd try to kill myself using the car again (I flipped my car at age 18 and claimed it was an accident rather than the panic attack it really was). 

I'm just so lost, utterly indifferent and after years of this self created misery I don't feel a modicum of drive to fix anything.  

I'll answer questions because I know this is one large rant of incessant whining but fuck me, I want to want to have a will to live.

Please don't send the "Reddit at risk" police on me... I've already called the suicide help line and it was vague "Think positive" nonsense but as far as finding a doctor or getting me in touch with actual assistance? Zilch.  

My family on both sides have a long history of mental health issues relating to depression.  Mom suffered extreme depression, uncle's on both sides have been diagnosed with major depression, one having commited suicide and the other going from 225lb athlete to a 100lb hospitalized mess.  Had cousins on both sides try and end their lives as well.  If there is a generic component whelp I probably have it 

Just, can I have a non depressed neurotypical brain tell me what I probably already know?  Just tell me what to do.  I can't be trapped in my own head anymore.