i am a 21 year old woman with atypical bipolar 1 disorder &amp; adhd. ive wanted to die as long as i can remember. i remember trying when i was around 8 years old, i’ve suffered a lot of sexual abuse as a kid/teen &amp; physical abuse from many men growing up including my partners. i’ve suffered through poverty, went to foster care as a kid, and didn’t even get to meet my mom fully until i started puberty. 

i cant afford therapy in this day and age, i don’t have health insurance, and the “therapy” and meds i can afford is through an online program called Cerebral and i don’t think that’s a good source (proof) for me to apply for disability. my manic episodes/depression episodes seem near impossible to manage. 
im just so tired of being in constant pain. 

i’ve never had consistent friends. im ostracized by a lot of other women because im neurodivergent so im the “weird” girl. i am a sex worker as well so that’s probably another reason too. 

it’s a lifestyle that is very hard to escape from and it’s accessible for me. please don’t judge me. i see no light at the end of the path, and i’ve been doing research on supplies to probably do this. 
i don’t want attention, i just want my pain to stop. not being here sounds infinitely less painful than waking up every single day and hating every fiber of my being and just being plain tired.