I'm crying and I'm sad as hell..and I'm smiling. I'm smiling because I can sit here and feel without trying to change it, or run or hide, or needing to hope for something different, or a rescuer, or some "solution." I can feel this way without feeling the need to believe that there's some "answer" in someone else. That is, I'm sad and in pain, and that's perfectly okay. I'm not going anywhere. This is me, this is who I am, this is how I feel right now. This is my life, and this is my home. I'm smiling because I have the courage to be here. With me. 

Before, the threshold has been feeling so bad it pushed me into self harm. This threshold is feeling so bad it pushes me to simply feel worse. That's progress. It feels like lifting the heaviest weights, but it's progress nonetheless. And progress isn't about feeling happy all the time. It's about moments like these, when you're afraid that the sadness will consume all of you, but you balance, anyway, on the brink. 

I try to put my feet back onto the earth, I try to step backwards, away from the chasm, away from the cliff. I want to be able to say, "No, not this time." And if I can't say it now, soon, I will be able to.