I (45) can be very childlike with my kids(8 &amp; 11). Dancing, jumping on bed, howling , squealing, being goofy. But the very next moment I can go numb or 'not connected' - as I call it. I really don’t socialise with anyone else other than them. Not even with my husband. I don’t go out or talk even to my next door neighbours. I was diagnosed only last year though I have been on xanax since I was 16.(anxiety and depression). Being in hospital for 2 months to get out of xanax , eventually did get me out of it. Before that I was so much over sharing and over energetic to the point of extremely hyper. Now I am very very disconnected with anything and everything in life.  Kids can get me into talking, but no one else. Last weekend I volunteered to take my kids and their friend to a movie, burger king and shopping. It was one of the most painful days in my life. It was physically painful being out in the open. But I did it for kids. When they are with their friends I am mentally alone. I feel ok if I am inside a room with closed doors. But being out is so so scary. I talk , walk, eat as if in autopilot then. My therapist gave me mindful exercises. But I feel easy and safe unconnected . Xanax used to be a great mental booster. Now I don't crave, but 75% of the time I am not 'in the moment'. Keeping myself in present is so exhausting and scary. Just wondering how anyone who is a parent in 40s cope with BPD,  numbness and dissociation.