So I have really severe guilt about many things.  I have two stray cats in my garage I been keeping safe and also my late grandfather's old sports car.  I need to keep the car free of scratches so I barricaded it really well and covered with many layers as well as trying to keep the bottom sealed.  They're very persistent with trying to sneak in and for every way they find a way in I find a solution.  But sometimes they get very playful and they just want to get under.  I was trying to adjust a flaw in the barricade last night when one kept running underneath.  I keep having to move him backward. On one particular move backwards, I think maybe I was too mean with it.  I didn't hurt him at all. But I just think I was slightly too aggressive with that.  I want to stress that I didn't hurt him but as soon as I did it I thought ok keep your patience. They have no idea what you're doing and that they're messing with it.  I apologized for being too careless that time and they love me but I have severe guilt.
I had a dog growing up, im about to cry just thinking about this.  There was a period of time where she kept peeing and pooping really nasty in our. Condo. My brother was going thru an experimental drug phase at that time and so he never came home after school.  I was in middle school, and I was incredibly mentally ill as I always have been but im not much better at handling my emotions.
I can't believe this was who I was at one point but this is the truth and I am very ashamed of this.  Many days after school, I would come home to a disgusting mess.  We had to start keeping her in a crate because she was destroying our carpet and we rented.  I started to get angry because I knew that she Can Hold it because she has, but it seemed like she was doing it out of spite.  Well I got mad, I would smack her on the butt when I got home, I remember one time I squeezed her jaw with my hand and she whimpered and I though oh wow.  I am a monster, I literally am a monster.  I am crying thinking about this.  I was a child, and very angry and confused with life but that's no excuse.  We had her for years after and she eventually stopped making the messes.  That period of time is very blurry in my life along with many other time periods, I honestly don't remember how many days I got home from school and got mad at her.  It could have been a month or two and it could have been less.  Whenever my family brings her up I break down in shakes and tears immediately.
She lived for 16 years and I loved her with all my heart and every fiber in my being.  I took her for granted, I was young and I didn't know a day without her.  I didn't know what death was or that one day it would come for her.  And we moved to a house and when her health started to really decline I babied her.  I wrapped her joints with gauze to protect them when she layed down.  I kissed her and held her and loved her so much.  So many years I had happiness with her, and I remember watching her soul leave her body when we put her down.  Im so sobbing right now, I pray to her everyday and I write her letters begging for forgiveness for those angry moments.  I am not that person. I am not angry. I love animals with all my heart.  I hope she knows exactly how I feel and how deeply sorry I am.
This feeling of regret and shame is powerful enough that if I had a gun in front of me id blow my brains out even though I'd regret it.  Because when I think about her, my mind goes to a place that's very uncomfortable.  Guys, please help me.

When I was in middle school, there was a period of time where I would lose my temper with my childhood dog.  I had her everyday and I was a child, a mentally ill abused child who had been beaten by my dad.  This is not an excuse, but I think this is why I was able to smack her.  She was making terrible messes in my bedroom everyday while I was at school.  My brother was experimenting with random pills and he was never home. Mom didn't get home til a few hours later.  
Let me just state that I loved this dog with all my heart and I still do to this daym. I cry just thinking about it. We had 16 years of happiness but these moments of weakness cloud over the happy times because of how monstrous I feel.  
My memory is blurry and I don't remember how many days this occured after school, and my memories are just flashes of a young me smacking her.  Just awful fucking visions of me putting my baby thru pain, terrible terrible visions.  Keep in mind I was 11 or 12, but I wasn't a weak child ever.  
I just can't believe I was ever able to carry out those actions.  I've always been an animal lover, when I was 9 I gave all my money to a dog for heart surgery that I saw a fundraiser on Facebook.  I just have a temper and clearly im fucked up, now that would never happen because im way more capable of handling my emotions.  The only person or living thing I inflict pain is myself, I would never do that to her now.
At that time I took her for granted, like I said she was always there.  Had her since I was a toddler, I didn't know what death was or that eventually it would come for her.
I know I did terrible things, I know this.  We had many years of happiness after and these lash outs only lasted minutes. But regardless, this is my biggest route of pain.  I genuinely don't think I deserve to be alive I really don't.  Im holding back tears right now. Im always holding back tears, but I don't deserve happiness and forgiveness.  I don't think I deserve anything but death, I want to see her again and hopefully we can talk in the after life.  I am a die hard animal lover, I have strays in my garage right now and I really do love the environment and all its creatures.  I seriously just wish I could go back in time and Beat the living shit out of that version of me.  I had no right, who cares if she shits and pees all over.  I would pay every dollar I have to be able to come home and clean her shit up.  
I guess I just need to let this out because obviously this isn't something I tell people.  My mom knows and she said she should have hired a dog walker, she said my brother was failing us at that time with the drugs and that I was a victim of my circumstances.  I don't feel that way, I don't believe I deserve to live. 
How can I do anything to feel better given that I don't have a time machine? It's factual that I did these things and I can't take them back. And my babies gone, we put her to sleep in 2016, years after this incident. I watched her soul leave her body and I sobbed.  I'll never be able to hold her again.
I need a friend