All I do is hurt him. My emotional outbursts, my insecurity, my suicidality, my mental health episodes, they all affect him. And I love him so so much, we had so many good times together, but my brain keeps telling me each time we have a misunderstanding, "It's because of you, you're not good enough, you are a fraud, you are horrible, he's getting worse because of you."

If we weren't together, maybe a bit more stable. The only reason he has retroactive jealousy is because we're together. God, I hate my past relationships. I hate remembering them. And because he gets hurt because of me.

He has problems too. I try to control myself but I always end up lashing out. I'm horrible. I hurt people. I hurt him. I don't want anyone near me anymore, I want all of the people who care for me to be far away from me. I can't stand this anymore. I'd rather be alone and hurt than be with others but hurt them.

I don't think I'd have the courage to leave him because he says he loves and cares for me, and wants to help me, but what if my mental issues are here to stay? What if I stay a horrible person? I can't take that chance.