Hey all,

So I've had GAD and depression for about 4+ years now (4 years since the diagnosis, maybe had anxiety/depression for longer than that; anxiety at least). Anyways, I've had a history with substance abuse (alcohol, nicotine, weed, some slight dissociatives and opioids here and there). I've been sober for 2 years now and recently got off nicotine. I quit that and weed cold turkey while also starting Zoloft and also going through a breakup... and.... I fucking lost my mind. Like my anxiety and depression skyrocketed and I had really bad suicidal ideation. I was also thinking about doing some really bad behavior like trying harder drugs and trying to just have sex at any opportunity presented. I haven't done these two things yet.. but I've been thinking about it a lot. I started smoking weed again (just really been in a haze for a week now).

I've had two suicide attempts. I've had self harm (cutting, burned myself with a cigarette before). Previously I've also had bad reactions to Zoloft and Prozac (both increase my suicidal thoughts and ideation). I got off Zoloft about as quickly as I got on it this time and just switched to Propranolol. Things are just really bad. I've noticed that I have really bad OCD thoughts I can't get to stop. I'm just miserable and I can be really withdrawn for days on end where I won't talk to friends or family. I took some of the online diagnostic tests and I have read up on BPD and I just don't know what to do. Whenever I am stressed out I always think about doing hard drugs and suicide... It's just whether or not i actually try it. Like I find it soothing to look up facts about suicide and heroin when I'm upset. 

I act like a neurotic person in relationships and I constantly need reassurance. I'm terrible at keeping in contact with my friends. Recently in these past two months I've been noticing that I am just a gaping hole and I rely a lot on outside things for emotional stability (music, TV, video games, previously nicotine, venting to people, etc). I'm never at peace and I can't just sit with my thoughts. I'm not happy and I feel like a shell. I overthink everything, ESPECIALLY with relationships. I've always felt like who I am depends on who I hang out with. I've been angry for like 4 years, and it's both what started the drinking and I feel like it hasn't gone away since I've stopped drinking. The last two jobs I had I didn't quit, I just went ghost. As college went on I stopped showing up to class. I've always been a procrastinator. I almost failed a class the semester before I graduated. I don't trust ANYONE. It's really hard for me. Like to the point where it took me a year or so of therapy before I could even admit some things that I had in my head. 

I'm in a really bad place right now. I've seen a counselor for two years (specializing in CBT and DBT) but I've really struggled to commit to doing the homework. Everyone always says that I just struggle with anxiety but after reading a lot of information on BPD it really sounded like I fit the bill. I took the diagnostic tests and they said I'm at risk but I also know they're just online tests. I'm really fucking scared I ruined this relationship with my impulsivity and poor rationale and I just feel like a fuck up man. I feel like I've irreparably fucked up my life and I can't do a damn thing about it. I mean I know I can make progress and stuff but.. what about all the things I've fucked up just realizing I need help?