I’ve got Budapest lined up in October, Prague in November, driving down to camp on a beach next Monday. I’ve got driving lessons, volunteering, groups.. 

Usually having plans makes me feel a bit better. But not now. I feel like if I could feel anything, I would be scared. 

But I’m just so defeated. I went to PD group today and had nothing to say. I’m tired of the same stuff over and over. I just felt so empty and resigned that I couldn’t think of a thing to say. 

I don’t even want to self-harm because it seems pointless if I’m just going to kill myself. 

I feel so disconnected. Just in a stupor as I go about these things. Not connecting at all. 

There’s two types of suicidal with me. The emotional, reckless, fast and impulsive “I GOTTA DIE.” 

And the slow-burning depression, empty and wallowing and defeated. The “I’ve given up”. 

The first is terrifying but only lands me in hospital. The second seems even more lethal because it seeps so slowly, crawling under your skin until you have nothing else inside. 

That’s when I start making legit plans and taking steps to achieve. That’s where I am.