I woke up today and started crying. I wasn't sad and I wasn't sobbing, but tears just kept flowing and wouldn't stop for a few minutes. I took that as a sign that it's gonna go downhill from here, like my body can't hold anything in anymore yknow? 

It's been like this for so long that I've given up. I might give up in general tbh. Getting into university was meant to change my life but I've come to the harrowing realization that I'm still in the exact same position as I was last year, maybe even worse. 

I can't make myself do any scholwork and I can't even gather the strength to go onto campus anymore. The best I can do is smile and assure people (by people I mean a singular friend and my parents lol) that I'm fine, that they're the crazy ones for assuming some things wrong. 

It's getting tiring though, I'm just waiting for the day that I stop being afraid on death all together. But for now, accepting this cycle will do.