I am so full of shit sometimes, it drives me insane. My emotions cause me hell in life. Quiet BPD here. I am self aware about it I think somewhat more than others, which makes it worse because I then make the same mistakes but am aware of it. I'm a walking contradiction and hypocrite.

Anyway, outside of romance, I am a very cynical person. This can also happen in relationships with a FP I've noticed once the honeymoon phase is shattered. Splitting. I start doubting the entire thing in my mind, scream at myself love doesn't really exist, make awful posts all over the internet about how it's some bull crap that only exists in movies where after 40 years of marriage you just tolerate the person if you are lucky.

Meanwhile, let's say I am talking to a girl and I get that infatuation spark going. I get obsessive. I put them on a pedestal. I start listening to love songs and write love poems. I get carried away. I don't think they will solve my entire life problems, but it's like my personality is at war with itself. I have this hopeless romantic inside of me I want to fucking kill with fire, but I can't, maybe for a short while, but then of course, along comes a new girl to date, and maybe then them being my FP lasts a week, a month, a year or two, and then it blows up my face inevitability.

I am 30 years old. I am getting fucking tired of this shit disorder. It's like I don't even know who I am because of these insane emotions! Am I fucking hopeless romantic or a cynical bastard? Who knows! Call me on a Monday or Friday!

I am the war I fight. it makes me so scared to love someone. I don't think I can really see myself honestly having anything that lasts, I'm sure others can tell from this post it's not possible. I push people away, then beg them to come closer. 

Fuck man, fuck.