I have to vent before I explode. I would be so grateful if I could get some advice as well. 

I’ve gotten therapy before. I had been having panic attacks for 3 years before I was able to gather enough courage to ask for help. Visited a psychologist for a month and had a few sessions with a psychiatrist. I got diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and was prescribed an anti-depressant. It didn’t help at all and I had to cut it off after 3 months because of its side effects. I was hardly making any progress so my mom stopped taking me to sessions claiming that therapy would never work. 

Surprisingly enough, my social phobia started getting better on its own, and with incredible speed. That was when my past issues with hypochondria and generalized anxiety had started to resurface. 

Over the past 3 years my panic/anxiety attacks have gotten more frequent and intense. I don’t get to have good days anymore. I’m constantly on edge, thinking and ruminating. It has rendered me completely useless and dysfunctional. I can’t even go out to do the simplest tasks and everything has become a trigger. I also can’t get my mind off of my health and am in continuous pain which I still have a hard time believing is psychogenic even though I got numerous tests done and all of them came out normal. I also have crippling emetophobia that plagues me all day every day because I have acidic reflux and ibs that gets worse with stress. I have lost so much weight and am having trouble keeping my blood pressure stable.

And the worst part is, I don’t know why I am the way I am. Neither do my parents, so they refuse to get me professional help; they keep telling me to grow up and get over it on my own. I tried my best to go against my fears upon their advice but then quickly noticed that with each experience, my fear grew. I had an okay childhood. I was a sickly child and my mom, as a doctor fresh out of med school, used to be a little paranoid about our health but I really don’t think that my past experiences were traumatic enough to be the reason behind such serious issues. I just feel so guilty for being this way without having gone through anything to warrant it. 

I was used to my parents’ dismissive behaviour but when even my closest friends failed to understand what I was going through and belittled my worries I’ve become irritable and hateful towards everyone. I can’t find a way out of this and I feel like I’m losing control entirely. I’m supposed to start med school in a week, it’s always been my dream but now I’m dreading it. It’s so hard to focus with this mess of a brain. It’s hard to get yourself to work hard for a future that you don’t believe exists.

I’ve lost all hope for some sort of recovery. I still wanted to hear what people with similar experiences to mine would suggest me to do.