I started college this semester. I started off strong but then I started looking for a partner. I was doing fine on my own (I was journalling, going to class, hobbies) but I just want someone so bad. I was cool with my couple of friends but they arent really people I hang out with. I want someone to spend time with and love and be loved.

I started talking to this girl but then it turned out she went to middle school with me and I was so weird back then like seriously so embarrassed of who I was. I was so mean and just rude and "edgy."

It freaked me out and she obv was NOT a fan of who I was and it made things super weird and I just freaked out and deleted my instagram because idek I was scared people from back then followed me now and idk I wanted to be a new person. I don't even go by the same name unless I meet someone from school or work. I ended up getting a job but quit 2 weeks later.

Then I start texting this guy who I was snapping for a bit. Hes super attractive and just my type and I vented to him multiple times and we just had a lot in common and he idk like yk when you can just tell you're gonna get attached? And i was trying not to get my hopes up but I couldn't help myself.

Now he hasn't text me for a day and I saw he watched my story and I just had like a breakdown crying just thinking about how I'm an idiot and crazy and just so unhappy with myself. I just want to have someone and to love and be loved but I feel like talking to people ruins me. It's bad for me but I feel so empty without it. I haven't even hung out with this dude and I'm sitting here on the verge of self harm because now I can't stop thinking about how I'll never be happy. Every time something happens like this it leads to me thinking about all of my other problems too and I just want to disappear and be a new person. Last night my dad's friend came over and it made me so mad for no reason. it was 67 F in my apartment, but I was literally sweating from how mad I was because I wanted to be alone even tho i was just sitting in my room. Like he didn't even talk to me or see me and I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. Like wtf.

I think I'm a nice person and I'm smart. I have goals and plans and I know I have a lot of potential to be "successful" but I feel like I can't function being close to people. The thing I want most in the world is to love and be loved by someone. To have someone. I want to get married so bad but relationships are so bad for me. It's like a lose-lose situation and I feel so hopeless. Even if I did have someone I know I probably wouldn't be happy.