sorry it’s super long but i appreciate anyone who reads and gives advice! 

i’ve been diagnosed with borderline &amp; PTSD a long time ago (prescribed effexor, klonopin, propranolol) and i just recently got diagnosed with ADHD &amp; now i’m on concerta which i didn’t think was working but yesterday, it hit me all at once... rapid thinking, extreme irritability, then i started crying because i didn’t feel like myself. 

i went home, felt better. my boyfriend (together a month) and i were playing table tennis over VR and i started lashing out at him because i was losing (i’m a sore loser) but this time, it was way more extreme than usual. i apologized over and over for being so nasty. he reassured me it was fine. a little while later, i started hallucinating (saw a black shadow) and having a panic attack, feeling like i was being watched and hearing footsteps near me. i was shaking, couldn’t breathe, my heart was pounding. i ended up taking a klonopin. 

instantly, my body and brain shut down. i couldn’t talk and he noticed i wasn’t speaking or moving much which then he suggested we take a break from playing. i didn’t talk for the remainder of the night and fell asleep on the phone without saying goodnight. 

today, we haven’t talked much at all. i kind of went off with apologies and said i should distance myself and that i’m so disappointed &amp; embarrassed with myself, i’m sorry he had to see me like this. i’m not like this and i hope you don’t think i’m like some batshit psycho bitch. should i just leave? i don’t want to engage with you if you’re not going to reciprocate. (I KNOW ITS MY
BORDERLINE) 

he’s being formal and distant yet reassures me that he “it’s the new medication. i still want to be with you and spend time with you. not entirely sure what to say other than how i feel. i get the feeling you aren’t believing me because you’re so defensive right now. i don’t know what to say to help you with that.” 

and i just said “okay. just forget i said anything” 
and now i’m getting so fucking angry. i feel like he’s lying. and trying to just fucking leave. i wish he would just leave then. i don’t know what my problem is. i feel a burning in my heart like i’m so mad and i just wanna call him and scream at him. but obviously i can’t because he didn’t do anything wrong but i’m like on the verge of blacking out from the rage. 

someone please tell me how to control myself. my therapist is away.