First off, sorry to anyone who had to endure my ridiculously needy posts about my BPD ex. I literally spent endless nights researching wtf happened to *ME* and how I lost her, along with wtf is going on that *she* would be so damn insecure.

Long story short, her mother was abusive her entire life and so she picked up fleas and blames me for everything that does not go right. Me being the people-pleasing codependent, promised her not to do things, then proceeded to do them, got caught, and invalidated what she asked me to do! I am an asshole and I did not even know it! *(God damn does it take balls to fully embrace you are hurtful!)*

 The request if anyone wants to know was to not watch porn or R rated movies with sex scenes. I am 30 years old, wtf did I agree to that for? She caught me, and that was that. She has insane insecurity issues.

So after we talked very honestly and deeply, she admitted everything you guys have been giving me advice and info with:

* She admitted when she is having one of her abusive rage fits, she **really** wants to tell me *she loves me.* 

*  She **never** actually meant those hurtful things she said to me. She wanted me to be hurt because she was hurt herself. She wanted to apologize immediately afterwards, but didn't.

* She admitted that she may have the maturity of a teenager and has a very hard time telling me what she is feeling.

* She has told me that she inside knows that nobody has ever been this caring to her and she does not have the tools to respond properly with love.

 Most importantly, she admitted she needs help and is going to be in therapy very soon. She forgave me for lying to her and wants to find a way to be together and be happy.

This is not a good idea right now. I have fully learned through many of you wonderful, caring people that **I NEED HELP.** I cannot be with someone if I do not love myself. I am not equipped to be with her and I should NOT be relying on happiness by someone elses approval or fear of abandonment. I am ready to start the journey of self love! Which is scary because I have to come face to face with my character defects. Not looking forward to that!

So this is where we are now:

 We cannot be together until we both are happy individually. We have to rebuild trust and we have to fix ourselves, because we both now understand I *WANTED* to fix her, but that was inevitably impossible.

I have needs. I have to protect myself and I have boundaries! 

In order to stay together at all, or hope to have a future we MUST get better for ourselves. This means overcoming my codependency, people pleasing issues learned from childhood, setting boundaries and putting important on MY needs, not just hers.

This means her seeking therapy and working on her insecurities to the point her demands are not completely unreasonable [Like watching R rated movies with sex in it..]

So I now *choose* to work **WITH** her now. In Fact, her most recent episode I remained a rock. I kept my cool, told her I loved her and I am sorry she is upset, and that I will be here for when she wants to talk. IT WORKED! I did not take it personal and saw it for what it was, an attempt to avoid any sort of blame or internal pain! She apologized the very next day. I am learning about her and myself through all of this.

So as a compromise, I am going to stop watching porn and I will screen my movies for her. YES, this is absurd, but, I have set my own needs. She must get clinical help in return. I refuse to be the ONLY one giving anymore in our relationship. This is a 50/50 deal, and so I will do that for her.

So, thank you all for listening, helping me, etc. This is NOWHERE near over and I suspect it will take years of therapy and unraveling the web of pain her abusive mother has done, but I will not give up on her and she will do what it takes now, too. Not to mention where my white knight syndrome need to fix others comes from...

Slow and steady wins the race. I am monitoring my own needs and in therapy to uncover my codependency issues, as well as reminding to tell myself that this is *NOT* going to be easy and fights will reoccur, but I am starting with trust.

Trust for me is easy. For her, this is going to be difficult. But worth it for her and I to be happy one day. We need to love each other individually first before we can expect to love each other. We decided to focus on ourselves, and I will keep my codependency in check so I am not relying on HER for approval, fear of abandonment and the owner of my happiness.

I forgive myself. I'm ready to face myself. I'm ready to be my own parent and I want to be able to be in a happy relationship one day.

**TLDR** Lots of annoying posts on here and nonstop research later.. my ex and I are willing to work together - we were wishful thinking, we  have to love OURSELVES before we can love each other


What I learned: Love yourself first and be the example for others. That is the closest you can get to *fixing* people!