The drunkeness, the acting out. The fucking amount of relationships I've fucked up because of BPD. I am so fucking embarrassed. Just this Friday I went to a party, flirted with literally anyone while tipsy, just to get some reassurance, almost ended up going home with a taken guy and drunkenly argued with several people. I overshared literally 90% of my trauma to several people and made an ass of myself. I can blame the alcohol all I want but this is the shit I do all the fucking time because I feel so empty and lonely and I can't stand being alone. Even when I don't drink, I still do this crap but in a less intense way. I fucking hate myself. Why can't I just try and be friends with people for a change instead of just fucking everyone every chance I get? And I don't even enjoy the sex, I just hate sleeping alone and dealing with my shit. I promised myself I won't drink in 2019 and I broke that rule literally 1 week in. 

I am trying to stay single this year, because every time I meet someone remotely interesting, I force the relationship, even if I'm not attracted to them that much. I haven't been in a relationship this year, but I've already done that forcing thing twice this year, and it's only March.

After an episode like this, I always get the flashbacks of all the crappy stuff I did while having an episode. I am so embarrassed of myself and the shit I've done in the past 10 years I want to cringe and crawl up and die.