shouldn't have told me you were going to help me

&amp;#x200B;

shouldn't have installed hope then *flee* from me

&amp;#x200B;

I viewed you as my savior, someone who will unchain me

&amp;#x200B;

yet, you were just like the others, you were my key

&amp;#x200B;

You should have known how I felt about you 

&amp;#x200B;

you thought I *disliked* you, that wasn't true

&amp;#x200B;

You installed a lingering void inside me 

&amp;#x200B;

You were the key to setting me free

&amp;#x200B;

Now you're going to leave

&amp;#x200B;

should have known not to believe

&amp;#x200B;

should have known not to hang onto false hope

&amp;#x200B;

I panicked reading your words

&amp;#x200B;

shouldn't have written that hateful vent, that wasn't directed towards you

&amp;#x200B;

regretted it the day after

&amp;#x200B;

don't want another, want you, and *you* only

&amp;#x200B;

Don't leave me, I really liked you, you were **specia**l, different from the rest

&amp;#x200B;

you were gentle and patient, you understood, yet you gave up on me

&amp;#x200B;

was I that bad of a **clown**?

&amp;#x200B;

A lost cause, unfixable, unlovable

&amp;#x200B;

who am I going to turn to now?  I closed my heart, I shouldn't have trusted your words

&amp;#x200B;

if it isn't you, then I won't accept anyone else

&amp;#x200B;

the void you drilled, are you *happy*?

&amp;#x200B;

no, it wasn't *your* fault, you tried your best

&amp;#x200B;

 I say I hate everyone 

&amp;#x200B;

but in truth, I just hate **myself**

&amp;#x200B;

if I cease to exist, if my existence ceases to exist

&amp;#x200B;

I'm sure everyone will be happier

&amp;#x200B;

after all, who would love an **abusive parasite**

&amp;#x200B;

a repulsive, failure of a parasite

&amp;#x200B;

that is who I perceive myself to be, no words could change my perception

&amp;#x200B;

The void grows, I feel more empty than ever

&amp;#x200B;

compulsively spent half my money yesterday

&amp;#x200B;

my hands twitch for the razor in my drawer

&amp;#x200B;

should I relapse and *cut?*

&amp;#x200B;

cutting isn't even enjoyable anymore

&amp;#x200B;

I covered most of the spaces on my arm

&amp;#x200B;

the skin is thick, it is hard to cut through my scars

&amp;#x200B;

Such exquisite beautiful art, those scars

&amp;#x200B;

*art*, I marvel at my achievements

&amp;#x200B;

my only worth and identity

&amp;#x200B;

kicking everyone out of your life

&amp;#x200B;

destroying your friendships

&amp;#x200B;

**was it worth it?**

&amp;#x200B;

your heart still aches as you remember the memories

&amp;#x200B;

you know it's for the better

&amp;#x200B;

after all, you're only *protecting* them from your monstrous abusive self

&amp;#x200B;

**the one that fluctuates**

&amp;#x200B;

the one that bounces from mood to mood, idealize and devalues, obsession and jealousy, lash out and apologizes, demand too much, yet continue to be abusive and emotionally unstable

&amp;#x200B;

yes, it is **you**

&amp;#x200B;

**wasn't it painful to realize everything was you, and not them? that you were the abusive and toxic one?**

&amp;#x200B;

don't play with people

&amp;#x200B;

don't give them *love*, then *hate* them the next second

&amp;#x200B;

you can't control splitting, you destroy every bond you create

&amp;#x200B;

you don't want to hurt, yet you do if they fail to live up to your unrealistic expectations

&amp;#x200B;

you alienate and isolate

&amp;#x200B;

this is the best choice

&amp;#x200B;

**yet, why does your heart still hurt**

&amp;#x200B;

you're selfish

&amp;#x200B;

ignore the pain

&amp;#x200B;

you're nothing

&amp;#x200B;

everyone **hates** you

&amp;#x200B;

they all pity and wish death on you

&amp;#x200B;

they're only helping for the paycheck

&amp;#x200B;

why do you keep believing the lies?

&amp;#x200B;

why do they still *like* you?

&amp;#x200B;

why did they still reach out and try to befriend you?

&amp;#x200B;

didn't they get it? you're only protecting them

&amp;#x200B;

you don't see a future

&amp;#x200B;

what you see is yourself \*hanging\* from the ceiling

&amp;#x200B;

your sanctuary, your solution, and your *illusion*