My wife has GAD which causes her to forget things all the time. When we first started dating, I could not comprehend how someone could forget the things that she forgets until I saw how distracted and absent-minded she can be with my own eyes. I now realize that this is something she cannot help. 

Where the problem arises is that I am almost the polar opposite of that. I religiously set reminders, signs, and other notifications to make sure that I do not forget anything that I need to do, but also, I bear much of the burden of what she does not remember.

While she has made progress with her mental health, she still has a long way to go. We don't live in the best neighborhood and I have warned her repeatedly for years about making sure to lock her car door as well as the actual house doors to not attract opportunists. This week, I found a "crackhead" (for lack of a better term) rummaging through her car from the passenger seat. This marks the 5th event of this type since we have lived here. I only knew because my security camera sent me an alert. I confronted the guy and chased him off, but when I went back into the house, I noticed that she didn't just leave her car unlocked, she left her keys IN the door. Luckily, the manual latch was locked from the inside and the crackhead did not see the keys, but this then made me run the scenario in my head over and over. I was already put as risk with having to confront the guy outside, but what if he broke into the actual house and I had to engage him? What if I had to kill him? What if he killed ME? While I do not have GAD, I do often get very anxious about safety and things like this. 

I am having the most difficult time conveying the message to my wife that having anxiety does not excuse unacceptable behavior. I do not feel that I am being unreasonable when I ask her to meet  basic adult responsibilities such as not forgetting to lock the doors. She is upset with me because she thinks that I am mansplaining anxiety to her and that my "anxiety" is not the same, etc. I have never claimed to be an expert at anxiety, but I truly feel that what I am asking for should be non-negotiable. I understand that she can't help forgetting things, but I have never once seen her make an effort to put up a reminder sign on the door or any other way to help remind herself. Even when I do it for her, she ignores or procrastinates until I have to constantly follow up with her. This kind of thing where I have to remember everything in my life AND her life has caused me to become very anxious and tired myself. I feel that I am constantly left to take care and manage most things because of her limited energy on a daily basis and I am exhausted.

Sorry for the drawn out post, but what have your experiences been with using anxiety as an "excuse"? I say excuse because whenever these things come up, it's usually the same response from her where she basically says she is trying, but there are never any tangible results or actions taken by her to improve the situation and any mention of this is immediately taken as criticism or an attack and we just never get to talk about it openly. So in the end, how does someone in my situation get through to someone like her who appears to put her feelings of anxiety above ALL else. 

Maybe because I don't have GAD, it's very difficult for me to empathize, but I just feel that she could be making a better effort to remember things especially when I have already accepted the burden of doing most of it for her for years. I don't want to always be the responsible one and have to remember everything, but I am practically forced to.

TL;DR: Wife uses anxiety as a justification for forgetfulness, but gets defensive when I mention or ask why she has not done more to improve her situation.