It’s such a fucked up outlook, and normal people probably could not even begin to fathom such a feeling, but that is my reality.

I desperately want to feel loved by others, but I often feel disgusted and enraged by their alleged “love” because I feel like they’re idiots. Can’t they see that I’m an utterly worthless piece of shit who barely deserves the right to exist? They’re fools!

Somewhere along the way in my life, I absorbed the idea that life wasn’t made for me. I’m reluctantly allowed to exist, but I can never be an active participant who experiences the same things that others do. I can only be a silent observer watching from the outskirts.

And for whatever reason, this belief has taken up a permanent residence in my psyche and I can’t shake it. 

I constantly hear things like “The only person who can give you self-esteem is yourself” and other similar stuff. And I just sort of laugh to myself when I hear stuff like that.

If you have an unwavering gut feeling that you’re scum, how the hell are you supposed to get out of that? 

Feeling this way gives me bizarre thoughts. For example, when someone shows kindness towards me, I often have a strong urge to mock them. It makes me irritated. I don’t of course, but that is the impulse I often have. 

For one thing, my brain always whispers to me “You’re fooling them. They don’t really know you. If they did, they wouldn’t love you.” 

People have talked themselves blue in the face protesting otherwise, but I can’t explain it. I can’t even really explain who I really am, but whoever I am is just not loveable. I’m just not. That’s just a fact. 

Plus, actually accepting others love is just too risky. Because I know that if they reject me, I’ll most likely be thrown into the depths of despair and sink even farther down. 

I’m not new to this. I’m 34 years old and have been to a dozen therapists over the last 20 years, I’ve taken every medication under the sun, read every book, literally done everything, but nothing has ever changed. 

BPD is friggin’ awesome!