My ex and I broke up 5 YEARS AGO. The last time I spoke to her unfortunately was 6 months ago and I really really fucking miss her. She was verbally and physically abusive when we dated (for 2 years) and traumatized me really bad.. but I still miss her. I constantly think about our connection and it’s so fucked up but I can’t help but miss what we had. I find it hard to connect with other people the way I connected with her. I feel like no one will understand me the way she has. I feel like a fucking idiot for missing her and I am ashamed that I haven’t been able to get over her even though it’s been 5 years. 
Everytime I start talking to a new girl, I end up comparing her to my ex. I get upset because no one compares to her.
Everytime I get really depressed, I start thinking about my ex. Bc she’s the only person who can make me feel better and safe even tho she’s the person who has hurt me the worst in my life.
I am so ashamed and I don’t know what to do. I can’t get over her. I fight the urge to contact her everyday. I just want to forget ab her but I can’t.