I've entertained the idea of disappearing for awhile. Probably the first time was when I was about 8, and it's been pretty steady throughout the years. I think that I might finally be at a place where the pros would outweigh the cons. I don't provide any value to the people in my life, and all I do is cause issues. I exert all of my energy into being a people pleaser, a fixer, a problem solver, all in a desperate attempt to make people happy and to feel wanted. But it's never successful. I'm either ignored (I can flat out be talking to my mom and she won't hear a word of what I said) or told that I'm wrong. I'm always wrong. Nothing is ever right, nothing is ever good enough. And I am not a whole person as I am. I am a shell. I am nothing. I have no redeeming qualities, I have no complete friendships or relationships, and I pretty much just exist. As it is, my mom only talks to me to vent about her life, my friends only really talk to me to complain, and I am not adequate enough to have a boyfriend who wants all of me.

I think that if I just left my life, it would take days or weeks before anyone even noticed. Once they noticed, they'd realize that it makes no difference, or if anything, they'd realize that their life has improved. I view it as the ultimate act of love for those in my life, showing that I care enough about them to no longer bother them anymore.

The problem is that I'm a huge anxious baby. The thought of leaving my apartment and going off to some other place and starting over makes me really scared. I know that there's no going back once I go. I have to be completely dedicated because there's no way that I could turn back once people realized how good it is to not have me around. I have to have all of my ducks in a row before I go. 

Has anyone else had these thoughts? Has anyone successfully done this? I just don't want to be a bother anymore, and no longer existing in this life seems like the best way to go.