LONG POST: NSFW - CW/TW: Sex, Nudes, Suicidal thoughts, anxiety/OCD

Hi, this post is express my guilt and to ask for advice moving forward.

Tl;dr: 
I used to catfish people on Grindr involving sexting and sharing nudes (the nudes were the real me, the face pics were not mine). I deleted all catfishing accounts/photos/chats. What should I do now? What steps can I take to try make things right/better?

The Full Story (long)

Context:

I am in my early 20s, I am gay and was raised very Christian. I was bullied in high school because of being gay. I have a good group of supportive friends. I suffer from OCD symptoms and have been diagnosed with anxiety. I am also a catfish.

The Backstory:

In the summer of 2019 (when I was 19) until about 3 months ago (aged 20) I used a fake profile to talk to boys on Grindr (a gay chat/hook up app). The vast majority of these chats were of a sexual nature (essentially arranging hook ups that I had no actual intention of going to, exchanging nudes and sexting). I used a fake name and a face photo from the internet but the nudes were mine. 

Every few months over the course of the last year or so, I would go through a period of like a week where I would have these conversations with boys on Grindr. I would block all of them, often without warning. I never said that the face pic was not mine. Sometimes if they asked for a Snapchat I would give them a fake one I had made and we would swap nudes and talk there. I’ve probably talked to like 100 boys in this fake Grindr profile. The longest I talked to someone was probably around a week. 

When I was doing it, I never considered that I was actually catfishing. I didn’t intend to cause harm or go into it with the intent of getting nudes to expose anyone or be malicious with the conversations. I never shared the nudes I received, often didn’t even save the photos or screenshot the chats. 

My Realisation:

In September, I decided to stop using Grindr. But then a few weeks ago, I really realised what I had actually been doing on Grindr. I had been deceiving people - catfishing them - often in a sexual manner. I now realise how incredibly wrong and disgusting my actions are. Not only did I waste people’s time, have them share things with me they might not have shared if I used my actual face pics but I also left them abruptly when they might have been developing some sort of actual connection with ‘me’ (my catfish persona) on Grindr. 

This has left me with a lot of guilt, stress and disappointment with myself.  I’m so mad at myself for doing something so vile and deceitful. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t intend to hurt anyone because the harm was in my lying - my acts were harmful and my intentions don’t change that. I feel like a predator and a creep, and I don’t feel like I deserve a future or to enjoy happy things anymore because of what I’ve done. I feel guilty that my friends still hang out with me and my family still talks to me because they don’t know what a shitty person I actually am. 

Advice Needed:

This where I would like some advice. I deleted all the chats, photos and accounts that I used for catfishing in a guilt-ridden, stress-fuelled rampage. But I cannot move this, it feels like something that is going to haunt me forever. I want to be better and grow from this - but how can I? It feels like something I shouldn’t be allowed to move on from. 

I’m also going to get help from a therapist of some kind because this has really affected how I view myself and I have been suicidal over this (please don’t be sympathetic - I know the focus should be on my victims). I would appreciate any former catfishers giving me advice on how to discuss this issue with a therapist, as well as how to process this guilt and shame.

Closing Thoughts - to Catfishers and Catfish victims:

I will never be doing this toxic, disgusting shit again. I want to be a better person in the future but I know that cannot change what I’ve done in the past. To anyone catfishing right now - stop. Please just stop, apologise to your victims and seek help. You’re hurting yourself in ways you might not realise right now, but more importantly - you’re hurting innocent people. You’re still hurting people even if you don’t intend to cause harm - trust me, I know. 

To catfish victims - I am very sorry. I realise now how hurtful the actions of people like me are. You do not deserve to be lied to and violated. You have done nothing wrong and the guilt and shame lies only with the people who catfished you. I hope you are able to heal from what happened to you.