So, I'm in the public library right now taking a break from reading some articles I need to finish. You see, I'm a Master's student trying to finish a thesis on registered sex offenders by the end of the summer (a topic which also triggers my PTSD - I thought it was a good idea at the time, I thought it would help me understand). I'm also supposed to start my PhD this fall. And I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD. If you didn't know about my BPD, my life on paper looks pretty damn good. And it is even though I struggle with the classic abandonment fears, and relationship issues, and bad behaviors and overwhelming emotions. But every time I've fallen down, I've gotten back up. My Master's degree took me a year longer than everyone else, but I'm getting there. 

&amp;#x200B;

This morning I got an email from my supervisor wanting to book a date for my thesis defence. Maybe I should have been excited or motivated. Instead, a wave of fear and anxiety and now depression swept over me. I'm afraid I can't do it, I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I'm afraid I'm going to humiliate myself and everyone who worked so hard to support me. I'm afraid I'm going to let everyone down. I'm scared they'll see my work and decide it's horrible, the they'll reject it - and by extension reject me. I'm afraid they'll realize they made a mistake by believing in me, in nominating me for awards. I'm afraid I'll fall apart again once I start my PhD because I know it's taxing and stressful. I'm afraid I'll hurt everyone and end up all alone. 

&amp;#x200B;

Maybe all of this fear should push me, but it's debilitating. It feels like I can't breathe, like I can't move, like I can't focus. I can feel my chest tighten and the tears that I can't even cry want to come. But they won't. I don't know how to convince myself that everything will be okay. I feel like a fraud. It feels like everyone's love is riding on this, and if I fail - what if they all hate me? 

&amp;#x200B;

I wish I could just like myself, I wish I could believe in myself. And then I get mad at myself for doubting myself, for not being more grateful or more positive. My brain realizes what an amazing opportunity I have, so why can't my emotions? I have so many incredible things going for me, so why am I so afraid of them all? I should feel so happy and thankful, but instead I want to curl into a ball and hide from the entire world for the rest of my life. I always self-sabotage, and I don't want to do that again. What if I ruin everything again, like I usually do? I'm afraid I can't do life and it makes me sad. 

&amp;#x200B;

I'm afraid of succeeding, I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of not being good enough or loved. I'm afraid.