A couple months ago when I told my therapist I wanted a different one because after months I had no progress in therapy, he practically insisted I do dbt for "emotional dysregulation", and nearly refused to refer me to another regular therapist. After he said dbt and emotional dysregulation, I googled it and BPD was first thing that popped up. I was really angry because I was sure he had diagnosed me with that without telling me, then I took multiple online tests, and they all said I match the criteria for (higher functioning) BPD. Damn I thought, that would explain a lot.  I went in to see him next, first thing I say is "so, my diagnosis that you've been hiding from me is BPD, right?!". He goes no - just emotional dysregulation, depression and anxiety. Is he lying and really thinks I have BPD? I don't know. Although I have a long family history of BPD, I don't tend to have angry outbursts and no suicide attempts/cutting and am actually pretty quiet. So is it the quiet subtype, or what? I've been driving myself crazy since then trying to figure it out.

But ever since I thought I had been unknowingly diagnosed with BPD, I've in the back of my mind told myself that I have it, atleast the less common (quiet) bpd subtype, noticed the symptoms in myself... and ever since then it's gave me relief, even to think that's what I MIGHT have, a possible EXPLANATION, FINALLY. But now that I know the symptoms, I start to recognize it in myself. 

I'm a few weeks into DBT. I thought the therapist was absolutely amazing at first. Like truly amazing. Now, it's not that I don't like her, but it's that I'm convinced she doesn't like me at all and just wants me to drop out. She didn't return my call the other day and I lost it, told myself she doesn't give a fuck about me so I'm dropping out. She called me back in the middle of me freaking out thinking she hated me... Now I look for every facial expression or tone of voice that she dislikes me. I'm convinced she does, although at the same time I don't think she's a bad therapist. I get rushes of anxiety that flood through my body, thinking how did I trust her, she doesn't even like me. I get zaps of terrible anxiety thinking of how I was too honest in therapy and I should have went with my gut and stayed with my closed off numb self.

No therapist has given me relief from my problems before, and I have been to MANY. But recognizing that I have a brain genetically prone to BPD, AND have a lot of similar BPD thinking patterns? Well that's an explanation, and considering I can't reason my way through my thoughts when they're bad and am convinced of them (ex. Thinking therapist hates me), thinking I may have BPD actually calms me down. 