This is going to be long.

I’ve been stable for a decade now. I did everything right: meds, finished school, got active, found hobbies etc. I’ve felt pretty ok, even proud, albeit it’s also been more dulled than what I remember from before. 

All that said, I feel it’s all coming to a dead end and I’m going to come crashing down. I’m scared, but that’s subsiding as I begin to concede to defeat. 

It’s stemming from two sources: 
1) I cannot seem to forgive myself for my past behaviors. In part it’s because It feels more just to judge myself in some sort of retribution. I think if anyone found out how I used to be, and what behaviors still linger, I’d be a fraud and hated. I’m fortunate to have my best friend who understands me, but there are still things I’ve yet to tell anyone. I’m going to try and tell my therapist Monday

2) I’m lonely. It’s hit me hard. I’ve always had issues maintaining friends. People like me enough, but I don’t get close to people. I’ve had an issue with this since my late teens after my friend group dissolved due to two other people fighting. After that I became preoccupied with dating. I wasn’t successful in my teens. I was in college and it became a bad preoccupation. I’ve been with about a 100 people. At this point it just feels that it was harmful to me. 

I’ve had relationships, but besides one, they were before I was medicated. I can’t find a long term partner because I don’t want kids and it’s hurting me. I’ll meet a great match just to date for a bit and things end. Either it is was known it was going to end, or we date and they realize they want kids and they have to move one. 

I’ve been very forward about not wanting kids. I want to avoid the heartache of things ending. It’s led to struggles to finding a partner. I’ve lost even the chance for temporary intimacy. 

It’s started to feel like all I’ve done is going to be fruitless because I won’t reach the final stage of self actualization which for me would be having a partner (my family) which is all I’ve wanted since my family life growing up wasn’t great.

I’m not seeing the point. My self care behaviors are so ingrained after about a decade. They’ll continue but I feel more like a robot that functions and overcomes adversity than a person developing themselves to achieve contentment.

My depression is coming back and it’s painful. I’m worried the mania will follow and I’ll fall into all my anger and mean behaviors I go to in that state.

I don’t know what to do, and what’s worse is I don’t know if I even want to do something. If I let this ride it’s course, I’ll at least mess things up and feel alive in a weird sense.

Have others had anything similar happen, even just parts, and how has it played out?