I (21F) have struggled with depression and eating disorders my whole life. I’ve been hospitalized countless times and I’ve been on so many antidepressants but they don’t work. In the last year I’ve been clean from cutting and starving myself, I’ve put on good weight actually. But, in the last couple months I’ve only been able to think about starving myself again and cutting out as many calories as I can. My depression has come back full swing and I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’ve barely been brushing my teeth and I’ve had to throw away anything that I would or could use for self harm. I have a fiancé who I love with my whole heart and soul and I know he would never hurt me but I can’t stop thinking about all these skinny and beautiful women that he will see during the summer. I hate my body and I hate my brain and basically everything else about me. I don’t want to be put back on meds and most therapists just say “oh I’m surprised you’re still  alive” when I tell them all of my trauma. I struggle so much with being insecure and I have no confidence at all and I don’t know what to do fix that. I’m sorry this is so long, I just needed to rant to at least someone because this would break my fiancés heart.