Last night I was smoking weed with my partner. I opened up about my insecurities. I feel really insecure knowing he has fucked women wayyy more attractive than me. He says “yeah I have fucked women who are prettier but I didn’t vibe with them or connect with them like I connect with you.”

I knew this already but somehow hearing it from him hurt so bad. He was tired and wanted to sleep. My mind works on this bit of pain. I can’t sleep. Can’t stop crying. Somehow in my mind this small thing has turned into “you’re not good enough” “you’ll never be pretty enough”. 

I sit on the couch crying for an hour or so (I don’t know how long). I start feeling more and more unstable. I decide it’s a really good idea to wake him up with a confusing lashing out. Why am I not good enough? How can I fix it? Can I fix it? Does he regret getting with me? Does he wish he dated someone prettier?

Of course, being woken up in the middle of the night with this pisses him off. I mean, who wouldn’t be pissed off about it?

Finally I tell him why I’m like this and he explains that he doesn’t think I’m the most physically beautiful woman he has been with, but that he thinks I’m pretty and he doesn’t know why I’m so worried. He’s very annoyed about being woken up and his sleep being ruined. 

In the morning I feel shitty still. Shower. Put on makeup, sleepily he says “you don’t need that”. He knows I am still feeling like shit. He tells me to wake him up at 11. I am feeling very very guilty. Even as I write this I feel terrible for what I did. I apologise. He is pretty silent because, he’s still mad and he’s tired today because of my crying and need for comfort. 

All day he is trying to cheer me up, but I can feel there’s a coldness to him. He’s still annoyed at me. He’s trying to get over it but I can still feel it. He’s not as warm as usual. He’s still tired and grumpy. One night of bad sleep isn’t the end of the world, and yet I feel so guilty. I’m paranoid he will leave me over this. Even as I write this I’m choked up. I try to forget this shit and move on. The tears just won’t stop no matter how hard I try to reason with myself. I’m not listening to reason. 

What am I expecting here? To be the most beautiful woman in the world? Anything less is not good enough? Why?

I consider myself kinda like a 7/10 in looks. I have pretty eyes, my nose is very average. Not pretty but not that ugly. My body is slender but not very fit. Above the average in that I’m not overweight, not especially above because I barely ever work out. The only thing I can really improve on is my body and my hair. I think the most I could ever be is an 8/10 and that’s with 100% effort. Thing is, I know he has been with girls who are a 10/10. I know they didn’t have other qualities he wants in a partner, but I can’t help but feel like I don’t measure up. Like I’ll never be able to compete. I think this is my depression talking. I have a lot of great qualities so I just hone in on what’s not so great about me. 


Ugh. What do I do with my life? This type of complaint is so petty. People have real problems and I’m this cut up because I’m not a 10/10 and I never can be. Why? Why does that hurt so bad?