So im reading through an old dairy and its just full of:

I'm an idoit,
Im stupid,
Im worthless,
Im rotten,
Its my fault,
I can only make mistakes.

Its honestly a lot. I have pages full of the same shit, and I acknowledge how many times I've written the same thing over years. I had forgotten how pathetic I felt. 

When I was 17 or 18 I got diagnosed with anxiety and started to recieve treatment. I started meds then. Sometime last year I started another medicine to help with specifically intrusive self-harm imagery that was preventing me from sleeping. I dont feel the same way I felt when in those older entires. Dont get me wrong, I still suffer from anxiety and depression greatly but those entries are so sad. I talk about dying constantly. While I feel like dying still, I dont think about it so much anymore. The absence of those thoughts has helped me greatly, and I have the meds to thank for that. A lot of people say meds are bad and evil, but personally I dont get it. My meds, both of them, have helped me to sleep, make new friends, and just exist without constant fear. I still feel fear, showering for me is somehow a trigger. Getting out of bed is super tricky sometimes. Doing anything at all sometimes is too much. But despite all that I've gotten a bit better. Sure... my brain has kinda been numbed a bit, but fuck it needed to be- it was so over-active my nervous system was raving every minute of the day.

 I think if I didn't have my meds I would be dead. When I had an anxiety attack, sometimes I would write about it. "Im in a white void, there's a block in my brain thats chalky and circular. Has it grown? I am exhausted. I want to be small, or do I want to go away? I've left it too late." That was roughly one entry. They were all like that, pages of them. I started to write gibberish and looking back at it is terrifying. I wrote fake scenarios where I was happy and doing things I liked because fiction was the only place I could see myself glad to be alive. This has scared me so much. I know if I had been left like this a little longer, without professional help, i would have found a way to damage myself.

I suppose the point of this is, take your meds (or get some help or whatever).