Me and my mom aren’t the best of the people to be left alone. There is a lot of love-hate from my side and my heart believes that she hates me a 100% but asserts that she does what she does out of love. I think no mom would verbally and emotionally abuse their daughter in the name of love from childhood. Of course I’m not a precious little gem but maybe years of belittling and shame has messed me up. I’m an adult living with my parents. Mom is constantly getting on my nerves. She finds a way to verbally abuse me when no one is around. She fat shames me, slut shames me and openly says that I’m a failure and I deserve to be one. She often compares her life with mine saying I do this why can’t you. Actually she is right. I can do what she wants me to but she genuinely doesn’t want me to do anything. It’s a way to argue with me. 

So here’s what is happening with me. I get enraged. I get so so mad at her but I suppress it. I had always suppressed it. Lately my face is not doing a good job to hide it and this anger in me makes me wonder how it would feel to grab her by her hair and slam her face on the sharp edges of the wall or kitchen top, unless her face is disfigured and she stops talking. Or stabbing her neck with a knife unless her head is severed. These are just thoughts but I’m scared that I might act out one day. This is when she infuriates me until I can’t take it anymore. Other times I’m so depressed that I want to hurt myself or get hopelessly guilty and depressed.

I have seen my mom getting violent with my dad when I was a teen. Once she poured boiling oil on his face during an argument. What do I do? Am I having some kind of mental illness? Some advise would really help.