I’ve been having a really rough start this year. Anytime I think I’m doing better finally, I go right back to how I felt when I was 16 yo. I’m a 31yo F. I’ve been dreading my birthday which was about a week ago now. I feel old, ugly, useless. I’ve been wanting to make drastic changes to myself and have even considered plastic surgery even though I can’t even come close to affording it. I’ve been wanting Botox, lip fillers, hair change. I literally want to be anyone but me. I feel my disassociation kicking in. I’ve never wanted plastic surgery, but I’ve been looking into it (there isn’t anything wrong with it, but I don’t think I’m going into it for the most healthiest of reasons) because I want change so badly. Idk. Idk if this is even a BPD thing at this point. It’s only progressed into something more painful and it just hurts a lot. Sooner or later I’ll just grow numb and tired and then just go back to existing. It’s a fucking annoying cycle.