One of my SIL has untreated BPD and the other has semi treated BPD and ADHD. Two years ago me (Autistic) had a falling out with one due to saying something true, but unnecessarily hurtful about her to others that she later was told about. I’m typically a peaceful person, but I reaching a threshold of stress like all humans can i.e. pandemic, death of a friend, grandma put on hospice, and multiple unresolved micro aggressions and issues from her that I was just expected to forget. I was definitely feeling resentful. 

She lashed out with extreme splitting where I was pure evil and never been good to her (despite previous acknowledgements that I’ve been the only person there for her and have helped her heal) and trashing my name to everyone she could and having them do her work harassing me. For 4 days I had the sisters screaming at me and my husband and getting other messages from her friends too. 

She told me to stay out of her life, which wasn’t the first time. It’s quite often her reaction to any conflict. In the past, I saw it for what it was, and gave her some space but knew she was just overwhelmed and I’d still be there to help her work through it later. However, this time, due to the constant up and down fights between us and disrespect from her, the flying monkeys, and refusal to acknowledge the hypocrisy of the multiple hurtful things she did to me too that I was supposed to forget, I didn’t fight it and said ok. I haven’t talked to her since nor my husband for issues of his own with her. 

I do feel bad for what I said and being offended is fully natural. I don’t like hurting peoples feelings but I can’t change it and feel stuck because she told me to stay out of her life and also said she’d never forgive me. I don’t think it’s healthy for us to be close, but we’re still family and I was raised in a home where we resolved conflicts and moved on. 

I recently found something of hers and I’ve been fighting with whether to reach out about it and see if I should mail it to her. But, I’m honestly terrified. I don’t want trouble and even if she’s receptive and communication has been resolved. I’ve been misunderstood and abused by this family so many times and I can’t handle the constant anxiety of accidentally triggering them because I try to communicate sincerely in my awkward but blunt ways, or God forbid I actually show my legitimate anger for stuff they do to me. They demand sympathy and unconditional support but refuse to give it to anyone else. 

I honestly don’t know what to do with them. Do they actually want me out? Or by me being out is just confirming their abandonment issues and hatred of me and didn’t want me to leave? I’ve had close friends with BPD and we get along fine. So I don’t necessarily think it’s an issue between bpd in of itself. Maybe they have NPD instead? When is enough enough? Am I never supposed expect they grow and learn to resolve things and apologize? Should I keep not talking to her?