I am so far beyond my limit that I cannot explain this feeling. 

I feel like just giving up. This journey feels so hard and so tough. I am uncontrollably crying and pacing during a panic attack because I haven’t slept in 35 hours and I’ve had way more caffeine today than I ever have had before. 

This is hard. It’s *really* hard. 

I know that I have people who love me and care about me, and I know that I can’t give up now. They need me. But it’s tough. It’s really tough. I can’t end my own pain and in the process pass this feeling on to so many people. I just can’t. 

And

I’ve only had this feeling one other time:

When my mom was away on vacation. I have severe anxiety and I felt so hopeless. My mom went on a vacation that was absolutely necessary because her friend was having a really risky surgery and there was a chance that she wouldn’t make it. So my mom went on vacation with her. My mom was across the country from me and I felt so hopeless. *So* hopeless. 

I paced around my house that my dad and brother were sleeping in, uncontrollably crying and contemplating ending it all. I didn’t, thankfully, but I thought so hard about it. 

It’s just a reaction I have when everything gets this severe. I just feel like I can’t take it any longer. But I remember the people around me and how much they love me. I remember how much I love them. It makes me cry to think of the pain they would go through if I ended it all. It makes me so sad. I can’t end it. I have to keep going. 

For me, for my family, for my friends.

For Rose, my first ever best friend. I’ve never had this experience before, and I really need to stay. I finally have a best friend and I’ve never had one before. I have to stay. I have to stay for her.