I am just going to rant about nothing, so I am sorry. I am in a new relationship after being single for 5 hours. I rush into things. I have no control over my emotions. Today is my first day alone in 2 years and I am struggling. I feel alone and I am stuck in my thoughts. There is nothing specific that is bothering me, it is just the silence, the lack of touch, the absence of attention that is tearing me apart. I keep thinking about the past. What if I had done everything differently? How many people hate me? I know they do. Everything is black and white. I can’t describe these feelings to anyone and if I try they tell me it’s “normal”. I hate being normalized. I have started binge eating again. I am going back to old habits. Everything was good in my last relationship. Everything could be good in this one, but all I can worry about is how many people I have hurt. Why do I deserve to exist? Why do people still love me? All I do is make people love me and then leave them before they can leave me. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I wish I could just be the woman my mom wanted me to be. One who didn’t resort to alcohol at 17 to deal with suicidal thoughts. One who didn’t have sex with random men to fill the void where I need validation. One who doesn’t go from loving someone one minute to hating them the next. One who can make friends and have a group of girls to hang out with. Instead, my mom has me. I have no group, I resort to men for happiness, I am genuinely a disappointment.