Recently diagnosed. Took it well. Now not taking it well. 

Severely depressed. Tried medication and one combination brought my first hypomanic episode - overly happy, enthusiastic, became outgoing and extroverted which I am not, made a lot of plans and took up more than I could handle. Episode barely lasted. 

Then came the depressive episode, I feel I have been depressed for months. No combination of medicine works because I have treatment resistant depression. I became deeply unhappy and lonely. The only semblance of happiness I ever felt was when I was hypomanic. I want to be hypomanic again just to feel happiness. 

Now, stopped 50% of my medication hoping to get hypomanic. I stopped my medication 3 days back and reached a state of hypomania yesterday. Felt happy and laughed out loud from this guilt of what I was doing. I was keeping it from my spouse that I am fucking with my medication purposely because I want to be hypomanic. I just burst out laughing when my spouse asked me if I was hypomanic. I said no. And then the guilty laugh took over. Laughed for 5 minutes and felt so happy. I haven't experienced happiness for such a long time. Didn't sleep. Kept watching movies fixatedly till the wee hours of the morning. Finally fell asleep.

But it didn't last. Now I am back to feeling low. 

I wish hypomania lasted longer. I can't believe it's so shortlived. 

Is this so for others that hypomanic episodes are so shortlived. 

I want to live in a state of hypomania for the rest of my life.