This turned out really long and hopefully this is ok. I've never posted here before.

A little over a year ago my fiancé and I broke up suddenly. Since then I feel like my anxiety towards starting a relationship or being in one has been really high. This summer I moved back home from grad school and have been trying to socialize and have fun with friends to make up for the lack of that during the pandemic. I’ve been really working on overcoming my anxiety to socialize, have fun, and even flirt a little. Last weekend when I was out drinking with friends, I was sitting outside with one (lets call him D) of them while they smoked. 

D and I started talking to this one girl who was out smoking waiting on food she ordered (lets call her A). She was in the city from a small town like 50 mins away for a friend’s bachelorette party. We all were talking and joking around about different things and I working with her on her phone to get food ordered. At one point D leaves us alone and we keep talking and are flirting a little while she’s sitting close to me on this bench.

Someone shows up with food that she realizes is hers and it’s at this point that my anxiety starts to kick in because I started to get extremely nervous knowing she was probably going to be headed upstairs to the place she was staying and that my friends would be leaving soon. I go over to talk to her and ask her if this her food. She says yes, smiles at me, and offers me some food which I take. A couple of my friends tell me there going to a different bar real quick before meeting up with the rest of the people I was out with. One of them (lets call him K) started to tease me about whether I’m going to stay for the girl, which just made me focus more on what I was supposed to do which made me more anxious. Being teased about liking or being attracted to someone has always made me really anxious and self-conscious since I was a kid which is stupid and shouldn't bother me but apparently it still does somewhat. D and K ask me what I’m doing and I say I’ll go with them to the other bar. We get about a half a block away and D gets upset and confused why I didn’t stay with her. I started to get really anxious like on the verge of a panic attack anxious as he continued to get more pissed, which only made me dig in more and try to just get him to drop it while he was trying to figure out why I would leave. 

This whole thing has been bothering me so much since it happened. I genuinely don’t know why I didn’t stay with A or at least try to get her number. I don’t know if it’s because of my anxiety about relationships from my last breakup. I thought that I had got it under control but maybe not. I don’t know if it’s just me generally being an anxious person. I don’t really feel like I have that much of a fear of rejection but in the moment I couldn’t make a move or just didn’t know what to do. I felt almost paralyzed. K asked if it was because she was drunk, but that really wasn’t it because she was somewhat drunk but not sloppy or anything and I was a little drunk and high too. I’ve definitely made an ass out of myself in the past shooting my shot with a girl or two when drunk that weren’t interested which I feel embarrassed about so maybe I don’t trust my judgement even though I don’t drink anywhere near as much as I used to. I don’t know if its because I had only met her an hour ago and didn’t feel comfortable hooking up with her. I’ve gotten STDs in the past (nothing serious thankfully but its scared me into using condoms every time especially with someone I just met) and didn’t have condoms on me. I also think those things might be excuses because I probably could have run to go get condoms and also no one was forcing me to sleep with her. She was funny and very attractive and like feisty for lack of a better word lol, which I like, so it’s not like I wasn’t into her. I also haven't had sex in months and thinking back I would have liked to hookup with her and maybe even see her again if she wanted. I have a good feeling one of the people I was out with (lets call her S) might be into me too and was watching me with this girl at a couple points so maybe I was worried about ruining my chances with S by doing something with A. Although I’m not even sure how I feel about S but the choice paralysis is real. 

Sorry for how long this is but I could really use any advice or feedback. I just really need an outside opinion, I guess. My head is just so noisy thinking about this and trying to figure out what I was thinking and how to fix it in the future. I don't like my anxiety having so much control over my life.