I do not have BPD, but I’ve gotten to go on the mental health journey for 9 years with my wife so I’m very familiar with every aspect of this illness. She is everything in the world to me and nothing will ever make me leave her, so we’ve just had to tough out the symptoms and figure out strategies as problems arise.

We started calling her BPD side by a different name than her real name, and it’s been amazing for us. We can talk about “Lindsay” and the horrible things she does, without triggering my wife, and it allows us to process the trauma from “Lindsay” together. Before, when I would be like “man that’s horrible what YOU did last week when you freaked out and threw plates and cut yourself” my wife would often be triggered by the guilt into having another episode. Using this other name for this other person has given me as the caregiver the ability to talk about what I have to deal with when she disassociates. I can say “man fuck Lindsay for smashing our bong, I loved that thing Lindsay hates to see my happiness” and my wife will generally be able to talk about it.

If you guys have partners that need to be able to process that intense emotions that BPD adds to any relationship, I recommend trying this. It’s gotten to the point when Lindsay shows up that I will be like “Lindsay you’re dumb, let me talk to ******, she’s smart, she would know better than this, ***** is a brilliant scientist, Lindsay is just emotional and has no idea what’s going on right now”. I know that sounds insane and like a potential super trigger, but my wife having to defend both Lindsay and herself does something to pull her out of that dissociative fog where it’s impossible to communicate. I think it helps her process the guilt the prevent that nightmare merry-go-round where the guilt from her actions triggers abandonment fear, which causes her to disassociate again and cause more bad behavior.

Our BPD experience is not perfect, she struggles with self hard, she struggles with depression, she disassociates and goes full Lindsay like 2-5 times a month, but this has made my experience as a partner much more tolerable. I recommend you try it if you you’re looking for something to try with your partner.