I'll try and give the quick version. July last year I did acid for the first time. It was what I would describe as the most happiness I've ever felt in my life. Just a pure feeling of joy that I had honestly never experienced.

Skip forward a year. I tripped again, and again it was a wonderful experience. The next trip, not so much. I had what would probably be best described as a bad trip, though I know that terminology is vague. Heavy feelings of paranoia, anxiety, etc. But after it was all said and done I was grateful. It opened my eyes to a lot of problems I didn't realize I had. Since then I've dosed another 6 times, of varying results. Some were joyful, some were difficult, but rewarding.

The problem I'm experiencing is that lately I've felt... Well it's hard to describe. Paranoid and anxious, but also like there is a layer of perversion or filth over everything in the world. My thoughts race and jumble until I don't even know what I'm thinking about anymore. I feel emotions without the thoughts that would come with them. Like I was at the gas station and felt extremely anxious about everyone in the store. Like they were all in on something. But I didn't actually think that, I just felt it.

These episodes come and go. Some days I feel totally fine, others I'm a wreck but still able to function normally. It's never gotten so bad that I can't function, but I'm worried it might eventually. I've stopped using acid because of this, but I'm worried this is just the new normal now. Or worse it's the beginning of something worse. 

I realize I should be saying this to a therapist, and I plan to do just that, but it is very hard to find the time. I work 60+ hours a week and none of the therapists in my area have weekend hours. I just need to get some of this out before I blow up.

Thank you for reading, hopefully things start getting better. 