It's very hard for me to take criticism even when I know the other people is right. So I isolate whenever I feel like I got no support or no one understands or agrees about the thing that i'm saying. I know it's a very childish/dumb thing to do, but, even with my meds, splitting gets hard sometimes... I'm constantly anxious hoping for the worst of anything and I've been waiting for the date of a colonoscopy for a month... I have to get it done because of some serious vowel issues I've been having (sh*tt*ng bl**d), that's also because of all of the stress life (and mostly, my own self) puts me on. Every day is so hard. Not trying to split, not tryin to hurt anyone, trying to keep my good grades at Uni and not failing on my tasks, but every time I get criticism, even if is not offensive, I take it way too personal. But it sucks when a teacher compares your goup work with some other's classmates saying they put more effort on it, when your own self is trying so hard to accomplish everything everyday, but still failling. Failling in all of the things I mentioned. Got no friends, pushed everyone away (except my FP, who I feel like they'll get bored (even tho they say they won't but i'm constantly getting ready on being dumped on non existent scenarios in my head sonI can be ready for that too? I feel stupid)). I feel so fucked up and misunderstood but I know I'm the one fucking everything up as usual. Like I got no reason to complain... or at least that's how everyone else sees it. I've been heavily worried these days about my niece, she's 5 years old being mistreated at home by her mom (my brother's wife); after the kid told me some stuff, because she trusts me, I isolated and cried 'cause I feel so fucking powerless!! I din't want her to hacñve the same pain I have these days, I wanna protect her so bad and I can't do shit. I've tried talking with my brother, I don't have the best relationship with him cuz of many things in the past but I tried a while ago and he told me "how can you believe her, who had hit her? she's lying". It breaks my heart dude I got this huge weight in my chest and I'm fucking suffocating in pain and this huge amount of rage in my own 5 year old heart, even tho I'm 24 and I should be functional. Another worry on the list. Anyways since I'm bloody dramatic I'mma leave a quote from If winter ends from Bright eyes:

"Because I swear that I'm dying, slowly, but it's happening
So if there is a perfect spring that's waiting somewhere
Just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be all right
It's going to be all right, you worry too much, kid
It's going to be all right"


I hope y'all are having a nice day tho, at least better than mine :-( could anyone send me a fucking hug?