So I’ve been doing a lot of work with my therapist and kind of… flipping my world upside down, actually. Like finding out what I thought about things wasn’t the case. Anyways, I was telling her how I found it odd that I never focused on my psychosis…. Ever. I’ve had it since I was young. What I considered my problem for my entire life was my severe anxiety and emetaphobia (fear of vomiting). It’s was so severe I developed an eating disorder and panic disorder. My whole life, that was The Thing that ruined all of my happiness (other than depression but once I got out of school, it went away).

Then I suddenly had the thought…. Did maybe my child brain seize this fear of vomiting because it was a more tangible threat than facing the threat of demons/ghosts/God? It’s also possible that both of these fears live side by side. But now I’m curious about this notion.

My delusions were about demons/paranormal things/God’s wrath, and to this day, diving too deep in those subjects sends a different kind of fear down my spine. Is it possible I latched onto something like illness because it was, in a way, something I could control? Because what terrified me about spirits was that… there’s literally nothing you can do to fight against them. I never even considered an exorcism. These were malevolent spirits created only for me who wanted to torture me. Plus all the other delusions I developed, but this was the haunting fear that hung over me for every night until we moved. Nightmares every night and insomnia. The vomit fear surfaced around the time I was 7, and I don’t remember for how long I had the demon delusion, but it lasted for years.

What do you personally think? I’m curious.