I think I figured myself out. I have 500 sides and they're all switching and I'm still here awake, reminiscing, reflecting, regreting. I just want to run it all into the ground and then at the same time I don't. I don't even expect anyone to understand because honestly... maybe this is just my narcissistic arrogance but I just don't think a lot of people understand. I like withdrawals and maybe I just haven't experienced the worst of the worst but it's better than the real me and the existential dread I feel on a day to day basis. There is no cure. There is nothing I want, nothing I want to achieve, no person I want to be with. Just nothing. There is just things that make me forget a little bit. There is just the abyss and me. Nothing gets me away anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just really close to accepting my fate and let this take the best of me.

I don't want to put this as urgent even though it maybe is.