Content warning: pain, self harm and suicide

So, for starts I have to say that I'm not in a emotional crysis right now, so please don't worry about me but I am gonna talk about some weird and sad stuff.

I'm writing mainly because I'm wondering if anybody elses feels the way I do, since I couldn't find many sources online.
The thing is, I think I'm somehow addicted or allured by the concept of suffering. Let me explain.

I'm a very imaginative person, and I daydream a lot. Since i'm slightly insomniac, most of my daydreaming happens in bed, and it takes me up to an hour or two to fall asleep. The issue is that my daydreaming, which is mainly driven by escapism, is mostly about me suffering. 
And that is pleasant to me.
 I take great peasure in narratives about being tortured, about loved ones dying (and it's not because I hope the do, i really love them) or even fictional loved ones. As a matter of fact, if I'm feeling down or I'm having a sad night, its precisely those thoughts that I summon to escape. They are appealing to me and I don't know why.

I just finished watching a couple of series that deal with sad and depressing themes (in particular, In The Flesh and Please Like Me) and I found myself wandering about why I like them. I came to the conclusion that I put myself into the main charachter shoes (usually a small framed gay man, like myself) and i draw pleasure in them going through s*icide attempts, self h*rm, death, betrayal and that sort of stuff. Its a weird sensation, because half of me desires in some kind of way to be them and the other half desires to take kare of them, soothe their wounds, hug them. I can't really wrap my head around it, but I want to make clear that, to me, this is enjoyable, I don't actually FEEL sad when i picture myself as them, i feel, in some sense, happiness.

This is also reflected in some activities that some people described as "digital self harm": i'm an lgbt activist and I suffered a lot through my teen years to achieve self acceptance, but I purposefully pursue on a daily basis homophobic websites. And I watch them. Sometimes it"s just anger fuel, but I think I do that also because I want to feel like somebody hates me. Maybe it's a want to relive childhood, in a sense (I wasn't born in a very friendly area). 

I wanted to ask if somebody goes through what I do. And if you would reccomend going to a therapist. In this moment, as I sad, this "thing" is not a hard issue for me, but a skewed way to pleasure, but I'm worried it might be revealing for underlying issues. Afterall, one does not heal easily from self hate.