Hello I'm 21 about to be 22, I've been in two 2 and a half year relationships and the second one ended around when quarantine began but now I'm seeing someone who seems like the perfect guy for me. And he thinks the same about me. We've been talking for a couple weeks and chemistry was instant between us. We finally met 2 days ago, he stayed the night with me and we spent all of our time talking about anything and everything ranging from memes to light trauma. It felt so right for both of us and we were beyond comfortable and honestly this doesn't feel like the usual FP for me. I think I'm falling in love for the first time, for real.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 15. We'll call him A. A and I were each other's first everything and were best friends for 2 and a half years. Once we graduated we had a very nice mutual break up!

My second and most recent boyfriend of two and a half years, let's call him B, was extremely manipulative, controlling, and abusive. I favorite person'd B when I was 19 and he actually moved into my apartment with me 3 months before I made him ask me to be his girlfriend. He slowly over time allowed me to do less and less and I began losing all of my self confidence. By a year into things, he triggered me daily and I was beginning to believe I was incapable of controlling my emotions, making my own decisions, and taking care of myself. So I stopped being an independent person and started a parent/child relationship with him taking care of me. I would hand him all of my paychecks but no bills got paid. One night he hit me and that still wasn't enough to leave. I lasted another 2 months with him in our 2 bedroom apartment with 3 cats and a dog until one day knew I needed to go stay with my mom for a little while to think. I never came back to the apartment, I didn't miss him and realized I never even loved the guy. It was a FP relationship and I actually despised him for a while.

* side bar: funny story i was part of a discord for the last 8 months of our relationship and met some really great friends, the discord was my escape and they all made me realize I should probably leave that situation. Well one of my friends (C) got drunk one night and started hitting on me and wanted to have sex with me, so the next day I left B and 2 weeks later drove 7 hours to Iowa for 4 days to sleep with C 🤪 Hahaha impulsive much?? Honestly was a great time. I needed to do something crazy after 2 and a half years of complacency. And it was clear to me then I did not love B, ever.

So anyways, I'm single for like what a month? I get on tinder looking for sex and match with T. The hottest guy yet that had swiped on me so I had to be super cool with my message. "Let's make hot sex" bingo. Wait, I type "I'm sorry that came off a little agressive". Shit shit shit.

He replies "well I dont like my sex cold, unless we're in a mcdonalds freezer ;)" lmfao, what????? Instantly intrigued by one another as we start snapchatting and realize we're both PC gamers and were enjoying our weekend drinking with our best friend's. We talked all day, and night, then all day then got into our first deep talk the second night. He's an architect student and I love graphic/interior design. He thought that was so sexy and we share home design posts with each other now lol. We discussed how important it is to focus on yourself and how people are responsible for their own happiness and goal reaching and all that jazz. He had been in a toxic relationship for a year that ended in September and he says I'm the most interesting girl he's talked to. (Thank u BPD for making me an open book and emotionally intelligent) So we keep talking all day, every day. I always send him a good morning message that I write out the night before and schedule it for the morning when his alarm goes off. He says he's always been the goodmorning guy and it feels very special to recieve the same attention he wants to give someone. I also painted him a pic of himself for his birthday (we're both geminis) and he was so stoked!! Apparently hadn't gotten a present in years?? His birthday is just another day :( I found out that T is the most caring and family oriented guy. He loves his mom and his sisters more than anything in the world. He's a type 2 on the enneagram, I'm a type 4. Our text messages are always more than one sentence and it's a very balanced game of conversation. We're both so excited and willing to play. We're interested in one another and this continues until.. well, til I type these words. T is still really into me and I'm really into him. How do I not fuck this up??????? I've never been in love before and I don't want to idealize him. But we're both on the same page when it comes to this. When he came over we both deleted tinder at the same time and we became officially exclusive, obviously no title. We said we know how fast it feels like we're moving but he lives an hour away from me and works full time so I'll probably see him twice a month, maybe 3 or 4 times.

Him and I both see ourselves in each other. Our intentions, our hearts, minds, souls, etc it feels really really right and I'm so nervous that I'm idealizing without trying. But he would be idealizing too!?! I just want to enjoy this without self sabotaging! I'm not a good writer but I hope I painted the picture of T okay. He was a delinquent in highschool who turned his life around and has experienced some crazy shit. I was a prude in highschool who started experiencing crazy shit once I moved out but learned to love myself through leaving my ex. Our dads suck and we just want to understand and be understood. I didn't know I'd meet T so soon after ending things with B. But T is willing to stay committed to me and give me all the space I need. He encourages me to grow and be independent.

How do I fail in love naturally and do this healthily?

Thank you for reading🖤