Seven weeks ago I was brutally raped. He had me for over 13 hours, wouldn't let me leave, controlled everything, and was so rough with me that my lady bits hurt for over a week afterward. He is a friend of some former friends. He targeted me and pursued me for months, he instigated massive fights between my friends and I, interfered in my relationship and had a hand in it's end, spread bullshit everywhere he went, and then swooped in like the rescuing hero when I had no one left. Once he got me alone, at his house, behind closed doors, he made it very clear how angry he was at my months of rejection. That's the polite version. I was in complete shock and denial. When you've already been diagnosed with BPD (over-dramatization, misreading facial expressions, willingness to blame self for everything) and PTSD (fear and trust issues, never really feeling safe, instincts all messed up), it's easy to tell yourself that it isn't happening and your poor addled little mind is just jumping at shadows.

I'm not going to the police and that's my choice. It's been too long, I'm already being accused of a "Borderline drama show", and I just don't want to deal with ignorant cops and attorneys who don't understand BPD or PTSD. I just don't want to put myself through something even more destabilizing than the rape was. I don't want to deal with my diagnoses and their past symptoms being on trial. This is supposed to be about what he did, not fighting the good fight against stigma. 

So I'm back to weekly visits with my therapist. I have very few friends (who are great people, but completely in over their heads) and no family. I have had zero contact with my family of origin for nearly a year, and my therapist is relieved that I didn't reach out to my mother - they would make this SOOOOOO much worse. They are just as ignorant of my issues. They haven't invested any time trying to be supportive and think that this is something that can be "fixed" and that I should be "better". Now that I'm diagnosed, they invalidate every emotion I have by assuming I'm "having an episode", refusing to acknowledge my growth and achievements, and still blame me when something like this happens. I can hear mother in my head saying things like: "Any idiot with half a brain would have known that one was dangerous. How did you let yourself get into this?"

I sit all alone with this most days. My four friends (only one female who has 3 children, a career, and a partner) will check up on me as often as they can, most times they can't handle my pain very long. Even on the good days, they are devastated that I'm not myself and that something is missing from my eyes. They just don't know how to handle it and their own helplessness and discomfort sends them packing - although they are trying their damnedest.

I reached out to my ex, we were together off and on for 15 years. He is the reason I was diagnosed and got help. He saved my life in so many ways. He has either always been borderline himself, or has absorbed many of the traits from being so close to me for all those years. *He turned me down flat.* He was actually pretty harsh in his replies to a mutual friend. He was the only person I ever trusted actually loved me and I am so desperate for something normal. I can't express to my non-borderline friends why his abandonment at a time like this is so much harder for me to deal with than the rape. It's also caused a few people -including him - to question the validity of my story. 

I've had my borderline symptoms in remission for over 5 years. I've been through something horrifying and I am still dealing with it better than I would have in the past, but the accusations that this is some ploy to see my ex are slowly eating my soul. I feel more and more empty and alone with each day. I all the hope I have left, is that someone here will understand and offer support.    

**TL;DR** Was raped for over 13 hours. Just coming out of shock and denial. No support. Reached out to the love of my life and was turned down flat. Not coping well, but still doing better than before therapy. No self-harm, or addictive behaviors, but have my end planned because I can't go back to this hell again.