Around a week ago I just posted that I am an 'awkward piece of shit' and that's about it. I had a sort of awkward encounter and couldn't stop thinking about it till the next day, but as much as it bothered me, I basically laughed it off eventually. I had another one today. Basically, I've called my doctor a lot recently, and I have the feeling the secretary is getting annoyed at it. I called again because I was told to, since I'm on a medication I'm supposed to see my doctor about every three weeks. Well, he was busy today so I told the secretary I'd just call the pharmacy and ask them. I told her I was sorry about that (since, again, I get the feeling she is annoyed at me calling all the time), and she laughed and said 'you're welcome'. I could be overreacting, but I just felt really stupid. Her laugh made it seem like she didn't really believe I was sorry. I'm not sure I know how to explain it. 

So, this isn't a typical 'awkward' encounter. I'm not what to call it, but it really bothered me, for some reason. As I said, it made me feel really stupid. I always joke about being dumb, and a lot of my friends have gone along with the joke. Encounters like this are starting to really get to me. I've worked at a grocery store for a few weeks now as a stocker, and obviously, customers can be a bit harsh sometimes when you can't help them (most of the time they were nice, though). Same story here, I just feel incompetent. 

So, for the first time, it's made me think about suicide. I really don't want to alarm anyone. This is not the first time I've felt like this so I think, just like every other time, I'm probably not going to go through with anything, but it's the first time (that I recall at least) that I felt like this because of my social anxiety. Or more accurately, it's the first that I've felt like this because of a seemingly mundane social encounter (with the secretary) 

I am in counselling through certain mental health programs at my school, but I am just too afraid to talk about suicidal thoughts, afraid of how they'll react. I could just keep it simple and tell them I have social problems, but not being fully transparent about how bad it's gotten *also* really bothers me. I want to tell them exactly how bad it's gotten, without any possible repercussions. Until then, I thought I would just do it here.