I never thought I was suicidal or had been depressed since childhood until last year, when my therapist asked about the first time I wanted to kill myself. I remember I was around 8~10 years old. I thought it was normal for children to want to kill themselves when they were punished or humiliated by their parents. Afterall, they don't know any better than imitating what they hear and see. I must have picked it up from TV or something. But she told me it was not normal for a child to put a belt around my neck and squeeze it. It was not normal to beat and humiliate a child at this age. I thought my white therapist was just exaggerating and does not understand our brown culture.

Fast forward to another time, I'm eating at McDonald's alone in a foreign country that doesn't feel welcoming at all and contemplating my life choices. I overhear two Asian ladies talking. One of them said something I'll never forget in my life: "every day I wake up with a smile on my face."

Holy shit! I never even thought it was possible to happen even for a single day. I thought it was part of being human to wake up feeling like shit. I thought everyone could see the reasonable fact that nothing in this world could possibly be better than the sweet nothingness of unconsciousness. Even with terrible nightmares, I'd still rather not wake up.

Few years ago I would have never imagined I could have mental illness. I was told my anxiety was normal because I'm competitive. My constant nausea is normal. It's just motion sickness. My sleeping troubles are my fault. It's because I stay up too much. I didn't even know I was an introvert I thought extroverts just lacked  basic manners of humility and politeness. All this comes too late when you can't change who you are or how your brain works.

I wish I stayed blessfuly ignorant. Those pathetic attempts of self awareness has brought nothing but crippling self loathe.