I’ve had an interesting week or so. I think it’s been a full week since I left a toxic friendship. I’ve been camping for 5 days now (just got back home today, yay signal finally) and trying to clear my head and find peace. I thought being out in nature would help but it didn’t. Made me feel more lonely seeing happy couples and families camping together knowing I’ll never experience that. I was camping with my family but I don’t like my family. They can be so bipolar and it’s exhausting. They kept talking about how their friends used to do fun things together (My parents took me to see where their journey began) and I felt gross. Idk if that’s the right word. My stomach dropped and I felt nauseous because I assumed I had a great friendship. I was in a fever dream the entire time knowing the person. I was listening to a song today because what else am I supposed to do in a 5 hour car ride; and this song was talking about how you can be over the moon and in a dream but eventually you wake up from the dream and everything comes crashing down. That’s what happened with a friendship I had. It was amazing and then it got worse and I wanted to keep it because it was my dream but eventually I woke up. I realized the friend was extremely toxic and a complete asshole. All my dreams and hope and happiness came crashing down. I lost a good friend but they weren’t a good friend ever. I guess I didn’t want to  admit or acknowledge the red flags because I was happy to find my bff. I didn’t want to lose them so I let myself get hurt over and over. That friend is gonna say shit about me and do bad shut and that makes me sad. I didn’t ruin the friendship, they did and they won’t ever admit that. I wasn’t perfect but I always apologized and tried to make things right. That friend is on Reddit, (probably doesn’t know about this account) and I wasn’t him to find my account and see how bad he hurt me and I hope that hurts him. If he actually cared like he said, he wouldn’t have ever hurt me or been an asshole. He wouldn’t have used me and manipulated me. He wouldn’t have twisted my feelings. He would have just been a true friend but he wasn’t. Dreams form crashing down at some point in life. Nothing lasts forever in this world. Dreams don’t come true because you will wake up eventually and be stuck in this reality. A reality that is painful and depressing. It all comes crashing down and you can’t prevent it. I guess it’s time to move on but I just wish I had a bff but dreams aren’t real. So I guess it’s over and I get to be lonely forever.