I'm trying to get over a rough year &amp; nothing is working so back to posting here I guess. 

One of the things I'm trying to do is get over a bad relationship/breakup. I spoke to my ex on the phone I think a few weeks or months ago (my sense of time is fucked) and asked him about who he was dating cause I wanted us to go back to being how we were before everything went bad (we used to talk to one another about who we were dating etc). I didn't want to be afraid/jealous about it I wanted to get used to it- that he's dating other people. &amp; start to feel more normal

I guess I was horrible cause I was asking whether she was chronically sick or young for him, when it turns out she isn't I was relieved cause I guess I had it in my head that he preys on vulnerable people. This is a mess cause why am I trying to make friends when I had thoughts like that? I guess because I want us to be close enough that I can see he's being normal &amp; be able to move on based on that &amp; not just paranoias &amp; shit I've made up in my head about him. (and obviously because in spite of the paranoia I miss my friend? we talk a lot less than we used to &amp; I wouldn't want to be in that much contact again cause I know it was unhealthy but I still miss it)

Anyway he said back 'maybe you're the predator' and now I can't stop thinking about it. I had forgotten it I think but now I'm in this residential treatment place &amp; loads of thoughts like this are coming back to me cause I'm eating &amp; sleeping normally I think &amp; my brain couldn't process anything before I was barely surviving

I'm very suicidal anyway &amp; my cousin just hung himself so I know my head is in a bad place. I know I was addicted to my ex and we've said we're friends but I can't just ask him these things cause he sounds irritated when I do &amp; he's got his own shit going on. But I want to know if he meant it or was just retaliating

I don't think I am (a predator)but I don't know. 

Only he &amp; I know what happened &amp; whenever I try to deal with it by talking to a therapist it just makes things worse 

The reason it matters is cause I'm apparently meant to 'make meaning' of the whole thing which is basically you're meant to make up a story that helps you. 

But I don't want to train myself to lack self awareness and move on &amp; tell myself stories that I didn't do any wrong. If I acted in a predatory way then I want to know. 

Tbh this is all so hard I just want to take a big od &amp; forget it all. I'm doing all the right things to rebuild my life after this year but Im losing I guess. In spite of many things being good in my life. Just feels like not everyone gets to recover. Because I'm trying so hard but it's not enough. How do you go about figuring out the truth on your own when only you &amp; the other person were actually there &amp; you've lost half your memories