For the longest time I thought I was “normal”, that I had normal reactions to things, it was very normal for me to have extremely graphic violent images in my head after I fought with my brother when I was younger, that it was normal for me to completely dislike a friend after they said one thing I didn’t like or that it was okay for me to completely isolate myself because I was depressed to the point of ideation and become the bubbliest and most animated person 30 minutes after. But now I’m at a point in my life where I’m aware of how f*cked up I am, that I no longer care for people that are close to me, because I just don’t want to hurt them(of course I come off as the AH, but I’m okay with being a villain at this point). I can no longer have natural reactions because I know my perception of a situation will change in 20 minutes and I would react in a completely opposite way to my initial reaction, and I would inevitably look crazy. Now because of this crippling self awareness every time I show the slightest bit of emotion, I go through a painful process of self hate and mortification that I desperately look for any outlet to get rid of all my emotions. I have the urge to projectile vomit all my emotions because they are so disgusting to me.
I am so sick and tired of living life this way knowing that I’ll never be normal and I won’t get help soon(I’m not at a great place with resources and professionals).
Feeling that way only makes me want to projectile vomit my emotions even more. Do you ever get that urge?