I don't want to be perceived as an anxious person and I mask it so well most people don't even notice. However it keeps coming up in therapy that I shouldn't do this. On one hand I'm like yeah sure, but I also don't really want to stop. It's all I've ever known my whole life, because of early childhood trauma I have learnt to mask my stress and anxiety really well.
 But it also means I am very closed off at times, and it's hard to maintain an open friendship like this. There are still things I cannot bring myself to talk about with my close friends, and they know something is up but I just can not let myself fully trust them. I am told I'm a friendly and pleasant person, but sometimes I really don't feel like I am. I feel hollow, and it brings me to tears even to write that, but it is true.
 I know I am not a bad person, I'm quite okay with myself, I like who I am, but I just can't take off my "everything is fine and dandy" mask because without it I feel like I would just be one big ugly anxious wreck. I have not had a particularly easy upbringing, or adult life so far, but I want a better future, and I want to not pretend anymore. But how can I not?