I'm 18 in my second semester of college but I've been struggling with depression, anxiety, OCD since high school. Every single grade in every one of my classes is an F. I haven't gone to class in weeks because I'm so behind in everything. My midterm for my compsci class, my major, is in two days and I haven't been to a single lecture past the third week. My sleep schedule is so fucked from staying up to "do my work" that I wake up at 5 pm and go to sleep often before my classes eve nstart, missing them. I don't do any of my work. I don't know how to anymore. I stay up endlessly, ruminating in guilt for hours telling myself I'll do it and that this time I'll actually start but I CANT and never do. I have no friends so its not like I'm even making use of my time in that way. Everything is just an avalanche that I will never be able to finish. I can't start anything, I can't even bring myself to do the bare minimum because its just so much. I definitely failed my midterm last week. I haven't turned in my midterm essay that was due last week. I have another essay that was also due last week that I can't get past the second sentence of. I feel like my life is fucking fake and worthless. I'm a fucking loser. This semester was supposed to be so much better than my first semester, but its so much worse. At least last semester I could muster SOME effort up and do my homework sometimes. I haven't told my family how poorly I've been doing this semester because both my parents are highly anxious and it will severely mess with them mentally and since they're older and we have other family struggles I don't want to bring them down. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel backed into a corner. I lied to my parents yesterday telling them everything is fine yesterday, but its not, and I'm freaking out. I feel weak, like a piece of shit, like I'm worth nothing. The only good thing in my life is my long distance boyfriend. He tries to support me and encourage me to do my work but its useless. I feel like I can't do anything and theres no way out. I have no goals, no achievements, I do nothing all day except cry about how I can't seem to be normal or do anything like anyone else. I feel so stupid. My parents spend so much money and time trying to make sure i'm okay in school and its just a waste because I'm such a disappointment. I don't know what to do except cry. I will have my ups where I'll do one small task and hope that that means this period is over but I just end up back at square one every single time. I'm in an endless fucking loop of anxiety, terror, guilt, crying, and I don't know how to stop.I'm ruining my gpa, my life, my family's lives, yet i can't bring myself to do anything at all. I;m so sick of myself. I try to tell myself i'll be someone else for today, I even tried to do a fucking spell to give myself the motivation, discipline I need to not be such a fucking failure anymore but its impossible. I can't separate myself from myself. I'm crashing, falling through the fucking floor of rock bottom constantly. It's not a low point, even. I'm stuck in this perpetual state and theres no turning back time and theres nothing i can do. I want to be nORMAL so badly. I just want to be fucking happy, feel fucking stable, not worry about everything constantly and be stuck in this fucking loop. Its so fucking painful and hellish but i can't leave the ride. I'm praying to god, virgin mary, fucking everyone to help me and I make myself sick knowing that I can't help myself, that I always need someone else to save me like some pathetic child. I can't stop crying. Even when I sleep I have nightmares. There is no rest, no avail for me. God all i want to do is stop existing, stop being myself. I'm so overwhelmed. I wish something would just fall out of the sky and kill me and I won't have to live like this anymore