I had to go to hospital yesterday. Things were/are incredibly bad. But the people who saw me told me there was no help they could offer outside of the waiting list I'm already on. They also said that I have to be more stable when I get to the end of that list but also that nobody is going to help me do that. I feel so bad literally all the time and it's all because of this one woman who was reckless with my feelings and, almost definitely accidentally, used how I feel about her to make herself feel better for about a year. 

Now we're no contact (I just couldn't anymore) but I really want to keep updating her on how badly I'm doing and how little support I'm getting. I just want her to really understand what she's done to me. I know it's coming from a bad place and I'm not going to do it but it's such a strong urge and I think it's contributing to how shit I feel.

Idk just wanted to get that off my chest so at least somebody will see it