So, before anyone asks, yes, I have been diagnosed with anxiety. I’m not just someone who’s sometimes nervous.

And, I’m glad that I looked up to see if an anxiety subreddit existed, because I’ve been having a real issue for months, if not years now that most people I’ve tried to talk to about haven’t understood at all.

So, my favorite singer/artist? Well, they’re a bit unconventional for who I am. I’m an 18 year old guy, and my favorite singer is Ariana Grande.

Due to my anxiety, something seems so “wrong” about Ariana being my favorite. I grew up in a time where “gender shaming” was still pretty common. Like, making fun of guys for liking pink, or shallow things like that. Thankfully, this has been seen as less okay in recent years, but I still see people getting made fun of for liking things “for the opposite gender”.

I’ve been told by many that Ariana’s music is just straight up bad and meant to only be enjoyed by teenage girls, or mean things like that. So many around me would seem to disagree with that statement, but it’s very hard for me to not take those harsh opinions personally.

And, one of the first times that I can recall listening to one of Ariana’s songs? My mom yelled at me. It was over 8 years ago, and it had nothing to do with Ariana (she was just playing in the background), but I can never forget that day. It gives me the uncanny feeling that listening to Ariana is sinful, or something. What if I get yelled at again while she’s playing in the background, especially by my mother? I’d get so nervous and feel so attacked.

Also, it just so happens that I have a giant crush on Ariana. So, like I do with most people I’ve crushed on, I just act like a complete idiot sometimes when they get brought up or even when I just look at pictures of her. And, so, this just makes it worse for me. I don’t want to have to go through the painful anxiety of having a celebrity crush and knowing that people don’t like her, or that I might get insulted or yelled at when her name gets brought up.

I mostly got into Ariana’s music throughout quarantine, so mostly through 2020-2021. So, I mostly got to enjoy her in private. But, then, I went back to in person instruction for  school in the last half of 2021, and that’s where things got bad for me.

I had to go out in public with the fact that I **REALLY** like Ariana Grande as a person, for her looks, and for her music. I can’t stress this enough. It makes me feel like an idiot for no reason, even though I should feel happy about liking her and her songs. But, being in public just makes me feel like I may be under attack when thinking about her or her song lyrics. I don’t like thinking about her songs in public OR private anymore because… I don’t know. It just gets me so unnaturally nervous. I can sense myself starting to hyperventilate and my heartbeat rising while writing this.

Ariana even has a song called “breathin” that’s meant to be an uplifting song for those with anxiety like myself, but I can’t see myself ever using it to calm myself down when the anxiety that she causes me is so pronounced, but so bizarre. I like the song a lot, but I can never use it to calm myself down because I’m hardwired to think of myself as a complete idiot if I do. Besides, it will just remind me of how much I’m obsessed with Ariana looks wide and music wise beyond being healthy.

I just want to say that my college dorm was having an event a few weeks ago where we hung out in the main lobby and ate ice cream together, but one of Ariana’s songs came on in the background and I just felt so anxious, probably because I wasn’t warned about the chance of getting to listen to her in a public situation right then and there. So, I had to flee back to my dorm room as soon as possible so that I could escape the massive anxiety that had overcame me. That’s how bad it gets for me. There was an adverb I wanted to use in that last sentence, but I immediately realized that it’s also a title of one of her songs, and I don’t just want to bring that up. It reminds me of Ariana too much that I often find myself limiting myself from using certain words or phrases if she has a song named after them.

I find myself thinking that I just don’t deserve to listen to Ariana a lot, especially for more serious tasks. Like, I don’t want to listen to her when I’m studying, or especially when I’m out in public. I’d usually rather not listen to her unless I know that I can be alone. She’s my favorite artist, but I feel like that gives me all the more reason to listen to her music a bit less, because it’s too special to put on all the time. I can never find myself doing any thing rewarding enough to where I truly deserve to listen to her.

It got really bad yesterday. I’ve been posting and commenting on one of her subreddits here for a while, but, yesterday, I got banned from there for a month. I said something somewhat rude to someone in retaliation to them disliking one of her albums. Seeing that kind of criticism towards Ariana gives me a lot of anxiety, too.

I immediately had a small heart attack when I saw the ban message. I felt greatly ashamed of myself.

I almost feel like I deserve to punish myself… greatly. No more listening to Ariana’s music until the ban is lifted, but I know that that seems a bit too strict. But, at the same time, what right have I earned to listen to her after that? Now, I just feel so guilty for being so disliked by her other fans that I got temporarily banned from a subreddit for it.

I have an over 12 hour playlist that I wanted to go through today and yesterday, and I had to skip every single song of hers that was on it. I only allowed myself to listen to one of them, and only because it was a song she had a hidden feature on. Her role on the song was fairly minuscule. But, beyond that? No. I really don’t think I deserve to listen to Ariana for a while after what I did. I feel like a complete idiot and loser.

Which is such a shame, because I wanted to start to listen to her Christmas music soon. But, what good is that when I’m an idiot who hasn’t earned the right to listen to her? After that temporary ban, I feel like I’ve failed Ariana and her fans, and I’m afraid that that memory will haunt me for a long time.

Can anyone here relate to anything that I’m talking about? I honestly left out a lot of my Ariana-related anxiety, like how something as simple as a soft serve ice cream cone can trigger me because it reminds me of her for a number of complicated reasons.

But, I hope I’m not alone in this. The few people that I have tried to talk to about this have given me the most basic, mundane, unhelpful answers possible. “Just try not to be anxious.” No. It doesn’t work like that. And, saying “Get help.” doesn’t help either. I can’t afford the time for therapy when I’m in college, and when that would worsen my anxiety even more.