I grew up eating beans and ketchup most nights but maybe twice a month, every other Friday my dad got paid, and he'd take out a little money and we'd go to our favorite Mexican restaurant where they gave us a discount. He'd bring home what we called "white bag" it was gardettos chips but the bag was white in the 90's, and he also brought home cream soda. It was our escape every other Friday from the dreaded kidney beans and ketchup, and I fell in love with school lunch whereas everyone I knew despised school lungh except for poor kids like me. 

When we'd go out to eat, the way home was depressing because I knew for another week we'd eat our poor food as my sister called it. I was glad we had food, but it wasn't that nutritious for a growing girl. 

We often dumpster dived which tbh I loved because we found amazing stuff, I loved the candy and toys. My mom got food. I remember she brought home this 3 liter diet soda and it turned out to be motor oil, we almost drank it before finding out 🤢

There are times when I want to spur of the moment go shopping, when we're low on food (boyfriend and I) and on the way back, I feel bad mentally just like I did as a kid. 

There were times when I'd beg my dad for food but he couldn't get us anything. And at one point, I lived in Canada for two years, poor, in shelters and I couldnt work. I started obsessively looking at the ground for money, anything. 

I feel terrified now, that I'll starve, that one day I could be poor like I was as a kid. But I know I have food stamps, and if it got bad, I'd dumpster dive. Ive done it as an adult and its actually pretty rewarding. But at the same time it makes me anxious. 

I'm still considered poor but I'm not as poor vs when I was a kid. I think if my dad hadn't of spent his $ on alcohol, we may have been more well off as kids. But him taking us out to eat, it felt made up for?

And when I lived with people as an adult, even if they didnt care that I'd eat at night or at all, I'd sneak food in my room and eat alone. There have been men I lived with who did yell at me for eating at night, or a woman almoat fighting me because I had no food, and accidentally ate her banana. She called my work screaming in my ear. 

Or my mom screaming at me for eating something she saved for dinner. If we were hungry, she'd cut pieces of potatoes and feed us and we were grateful, on the nights when we ate food without just beans which was rare. 

I got so sick of beans that she'd force me to sit in the dark, in the dining room alone, telling me to eat them, from her bedroom. "You better eat all your food or youre not going to bed"

I guess other factors played into it, but thinking about being poor, I think I binge eat because of it? 

Maybe others can relate? I hope my story helps whoever reading this feel less alone.