What the hell am I? I'm diagnosed as schizoaffective (no type that I'm aware of twelve years in). Antipsychotic meds have never kept me entirely safe from going back into the winners circle. The place where I win over and over and over again. It started as singing competition in junior high. I always won first place in the end. Later, it would become movies I was starring in. Sometimes it was just adventures I was going on in my head. I was a Vampire slayer a lot of the time. Its always buffy the Vampire Slayer. Even in high school, and shortly afterward, it continued. I won Idol all the time, sometimes for hours, and in all kinds of movies of my own creation... and all of my real life experiences were turned into a buffy-esque horror/fantasy series in my imagination as well. I lived there all the time. When I was nineteen... it all came into reality. I was making a list of things I needed to move out of my sisters basement, while abusing cannabis, and I wrote August but then my hand took over and wrote "is the end" and i became obsessed with the idea of an apocalypse. I asked questions, and it wrote answers. I made a system, with a Y or N using my thumb so that I could take it with me when I left the basement. I traveled back and forth across multiple cities, homeless on the streets, believing I had to stop the world from destroying itself with it's own darkness... . I made it back to the basement, and while i was cruising the buffy boards..A forum dedicated to buffy the Vampire slayer, a thread said "somebody make a buffy movie" and I took it up myself to be the hero once more. I spent 24 hours in it this weekend. 


I could bore you with the details of my twenties. A pdoc who didnt do his job properly, and scoffed when  I brought things to his attention that have now gotten so unmanageable that I can barely function. How I paced around, up to twenty one days at a time, in conversations  with celebrities about all the movies we could make "Because Pizza is a Pizza all of us... Pizza Slice is the Piece that falls off! He's the Suffering Servant! Get it? Its Pizza Party!"  

Nowadays, I'm not abusing cannabis to make my daydreams even more vivid and unrealistically wonderful. I am getting lost though. I'm writing the old ideas, and reading them over as other people, and they're enjoying them, and constant gratification. DING DING DING DING DING. 


I'm kind of struggling right now.... I ruined my birthday this weekend. Big dinner plans I've been talking about all week. I ruined it all by hyper focusing on things that DONT FUCKING MATTER. 


Meanwhile... I'm a fucking dumpster fire to set your eyes upon. You should see this mess. It's just a mess.