i always try to help when help isnt wanted.  i always have a differing opinion when everyone else wants to agree.  when everyone else is sensitive, i end up saying something too harsh and provoking.  when everyone else is harsh and blunt, im the oversensitive one that gets too offended and hurt.   the cliche of black &amp; whiting everything is too fucking real.     


i get so afraid to see responses when i say something questionable.  i get afraid to look at my reddit inbox when i see i have new messages, afraid someones going to disagree with me and that im going to agree with them being against me, that ill go against myself so easily, and then i end up just going against them for the sake of being in denial of them getting to me.     


my dad even often says to me that i just always have to be the devils advocate.   it feels stupidly cheesy to post song lyrics but there's this song called firestarter by the prodigy that seems to illustrate how i feel, sortof. but then again thats me just trying to identify with something, and i dont know if im even identifying with it all that accurately.     


" I'm the trouble starter, punkin' instigator  
I'm the fear addicted, a danger illustrated  
I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter  
You're a firestarter, twisted firestarter  
I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter  
I'm the bitch you hated, filth infatuated, yeah  
I'm the pain you tasted, fell intoxicated  
I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter  
You're the firestarter, twisted firestarter

I'm the self inflicted, mind detonator, yeah  
I'm the one infected, twisted animator  
I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter  
You're the firestarter, twisted firestarter  
I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter starter"   


those are the lyrics (reddit formatting mightve fucked up the line breaks idk)   


maybe this is a bad thing to share if people also identify with it, because im talking about such negative aspects of myself and if you happen to identify it then you might see negative aspects of yourself, so im saying now that thats not my intention.  i just wanted to share because i wanted to share and because i feel trapped with myself.    
