Within the last year or so, my mental health has really taken a turn for the worst. I was hurting myself frequently and often had very intense suicidal thoughts.  It reached a point where I knew I needed to get help or I was going to end up killing myself. 

Firstly, I wanted a diagnosis of something, then to be put on medication. I rang my GP explaining this and was transferred to a doctor who basically spoke through the symptoms of depression with me to see if I had it. I told him everything I had been experiencing and he diagnosed me with depression over a 10 minute phone call. It was bittersweet as I was put onto Fluoxetine (Prozac) but I felt as though I was simply another box to tick; the phone call felt rushed and I still have a lingering feeling that I have not been diagnosed correctly. 

I was prescribed the medication back in July. I haven't cut since before then and I would say I'm the happiest I've been in a while - I can't be sure if that's all down to the medication itself or just circumstances in my life. But one thing that has seemed to be creeping back into my life is the constant paranoia that no one actually likes me. I have been in a long term relationship and I have seen this really effect my partner. There have been numerous times now that I have let this overwhelming, horrible feeling that I'm not good enough for anyone consume me when I've been around people (especially after drinking) - it's fucking embarrassing. Some of the things I say and do eat away at me the next day. This time last year, I would say only my boyfriend knew of how I was struggling, yet now so many more people know that I am not doing well because of how I have been acting recently.

I have not been diagnosed with BPD. I understand that may be frustrating for people to read and I get it. I know there are some people online who romanticize mental illness and self-diagnose. That's the last thing I want to do. I would give anything not to think the way I think in certain situations. I just want an answer. It seems my medication worked to an extent but at times I am still thinking irrationally and it feels like I am slowly ruining my relationships because of it. I thought I would have been diagnosed with a personality disorder but it seemed as though the doctor wanted to keep our conversation as short as possible. I live in the UK and can appreciate how overwhelmed the NHS is but I'm at a loss really. Basically, if someone from the UK could help me in how they best sought out mental health help, that would be great. Or if anyone can relate to this please let me know. It's frustrating when you don't have a clear answer to why you feel and act the way you do to say the least