I am a 21 year old woman (I turned 21 this June), who is married and has a 2 year old son. My husband is 34, and there is a pretty large age gap of around 14 years between us. 

Some backstory on my anxiety- I started having panic attacks when I was as young as 11 years old in the 6th grade. I found that triggers were usually large, open, bright, spaces. Such as my gym in school, or big Walmart’s with the bright fluorescent lightning. My panic attacks usually were very short lived. Whenever I left whatever “triggered” me, I was fine. For example some classrooms I would have an attack in, where as others I was fine. I’ve always been a worrier by heart. My panic attacks eventually 99.9% left. By the time I was 16/17.. I had a complete functioning life. By the time I turned 18, I was in college. I had zero panic attacks in none of my classes. I stayed up late, enjoyed my life, didn’t have a lot of friends but did associate with my peers. I lived with my mother, and although me and her argued very frequently, it never really caused any “anxiety”. I loved to drive. I drove everywhere, late at night, even drove an hour on a busy freeway to Nashville by myself. When I met my husband at 18, I was normal. We went on dates, went places, etc. I did have an occasional panic attack but it was very manageable and very much mild. While my son was about 3-6 months old, I was doing a fine job caring for him. I still lived with my mother and although it was hard waking up a lot and doing all the things a busy mom would do, I did it. And I was content doing it. 

Fast forward to when my son turns 1 years old. Something changed. I moved in with my husband, got married, and a few moths after that I started having health issues. I would be sitting in my house all day nervous. When I say nervous, I mean the type of nervous that leaves you feeling like someone just died. I would have these episodes of where my heart rate would randomly spike up high sometimes up to 120 or more just sitting on the bed. I would pour sweat. Shake. This continually has been going on nearly everyday for over a year now. And has gotten worse. Now including severe stomach discomfort including nausea, dry heaving, tons of gas. My blood pressure would spike up to 170 sometimes just before a bowl movement. I found that during all of this, my mental anxiety would spike and I would have very bad racing thoughts. 

I finally went to a top specialist at Vanderbilt Autonomic Clinic after seeing many doctors, and I was diagnosed with hyperadrenic POTS. Basically my nervous system is not functioning properly. It causes my blood pressure to spike up, heart rate, abnormal sweating to the point I can not function. My menstrual cycle has gotten so bad that one week out of the month I want to die, have suicidal thoughts. I cry hysterically. I was diagnosed with PMDD, a severe form of PMS. Plus my POTS is acted up by my period. These diagnoses have brought my anxiety back FULL force.

 I have not drove a car by myself in over 6 months and I am deathly afraid to drive alone. I am 100% dependent on my husband. I don’t go grocery shopping anymore alone. I don’t leave my house ever alone. I’ve tried driving not even a mile down the street and the further and further I get from my house I send myself into a full blown panic attack. I’m becoming agoraphobic. My husband has taken off over 4 months of work to care for me and our son because I am unable to do so. Even going into stores makes me have severe panic attacks. I sweat, get lightheaded and dizzy, feel as if I’m going to die or “go crazy”. My biggest fear is going crazy.

My grandparents are both elderly and retired and they have been in quarantine in fear of catching the coranavirus since last march. They only do grocery pickups and do not leave their car or house. I have no other family, my husband has no other family. My mother and I used to be extremely close but we haven’t had a relationship in over a year due to her issues with my husband. That alone tears me apart. 

I sit in this house and feel worthless. I feel like a bad mother who is sick constantly and can’t take care of her son. My husband and I are going to go broke if he doesn’t go back to work yet I am so terrified of being alone after these episodes I have that I cry like a small child would when he talks about needing to go back which results in him staying home a few days longer. 

Yesterday, I had a bad health day. I do not have diabetes but was told I have reactive hypoglycemia too. I had just eaten mashed potatoes and one hour later my blood sugar dropped to 65. I felt like I was going to pass out, became very weak, had stomach issues all day with diarrhea, felt so nervous and shakey. This skyrocketed my mental anxiety and I started having racing thoughts. I feel like I’m not doing enough with my life. I’m ashamed I can’t drive. Ashamed I can’t take care of my son home alone like I used to.

I do the best that I can. I give our son a bath everyday, he has lots of toys, we live in a nice new construction home we just purchased, I try to play with him as much as I can but usually all I can do is sit on the couch while he plays. I feel bad that I’m so terrified to drive I can’t even take him out places or do things.

Every morning I wake up and hate it. I feel like I do the same things everyday, constantly try to avoid having a bad “health day”. My periods are so bad my gynecologist opted to give me a hystertomy which I plan on doing eventually. I can’t even be content sitting down watching a movie or doing anything. I constantly feel like I’m doing the “wrong things”. 

I know this post is probably all over the place but I needed to get my feelings out. If someone, anyone, could please offer me some advice. My husband and I don’t have the best marriage either.

When I was pregnant at 18, he wasn’t around after about 3 months into the pregnancy and started seeing another woman. He ended up putting me through a really rough custody battle and although he apologizes for it over and over now, it’s been 2 years and it still hurts . My mind ruminates about the past over and over and I feel like I’m stuck. I try telling myself to let the past go, focus on now, and just improving my health day by day, but I always get set back...