this is my second attempt at my first semester in community college. in the fall i fucked everything up by not doing the online work and ended up dropping my classes last minute, meaning i would’ve had hundreds of dollars to pay for courses i barely even did. by some miracle i still qualified for financial aid, so that’s thankfully wasn’t a problem.

but now the exact same thing is happening again, which i kinda expected if i’m being honest. the only two classes in which i’m doing well are in-person. my other two are fully online. i was able to keep up relatively well with one of them until recently. now here i am, ignoring the emails that are likely notifying me of the important work i’ve missed.

around the beginning of this month i received an email stating that i’m already on the first level of academic probation after last semester. if i fuck up this semester i’ll be on the second level. after that, i risk being dismissed altogether. and yet for some reason i’m just laying here in bed and doing nothing about it. 3 years ago something like this would’ve had me in tears  and trembling in an instant. maybe my academic losing streak has desensitized me to this kind of thing. 

i don’t even know why i’m in school anymore lol. i mean, i guess it’s to get an education so i can get a job and not leech off my parents for the rest of my existence. so, it would be pretty bad if i was booted from college. perhaps my reaction is just delayed. maybe the stress and desperation will hit me sometime in the coming days or weeks. 

if i’m not in school (and doing well in it), what on earth is my existence providing for anyone? my academic prowess is what gave me so much of my pride and happiness in the past. without that, it feels as if i am nothing, useless, and above all: probably the biggest disappointment my family never expected.

like, imagine beaming about how smart and academically gifted your kid is, only to watch them just *barely* graduate high school, miss out on going to uni with their friends, and nearly flunk community college. hilarious, right?

i don’t even feel sad or upset. i don’t feel the urge to break down and cry. i do feel a little angry towards myself for not just doing the things i should be doing.

i don’t like the fact that i feel practically numb to all this. i don’t like the fact that i’m not on the verge of tears or scrambling to get my shit together. i don’t feel that sense of urgency at all. that’s something i should be feeling right now, isn’t it? 

i dunno. even after finally getting this stuff out of my head and onto the screen, i don’t feel much of anything. 

not much else to say here. just needed to get this out there.