(TW) 
So I finally broke up from my toxic relationship, with someone I definitely would rather have destroyed myself over, two days ago.
I've been feeling really clear and sure about it until I triggered myself masturbating today, and then I cried with a racing heart for hours, felt this weird overwhelming body-vibrating need to see/fuck my ex (idk if this is lust mixed with fear? I tingle and feel like I'm losing control when I lust over my ex and I've never had this before but with him it happens a lot and makes me feel terrified and powerless and like I'll do something crazy) whilst getting urges and images of slitting my wrists. Rn I feel pretty dissociated and fearful but it's mostly over and I've once again reminded myself that there's no quick fix, I should stop trying to escape my feelings bc it makes them way worse, and to stop choosing pain bc I'm sick of clawing my way out of hell. I'm pretty disappointed bc I was dealing with it pretty well until today I just gave up and let myself feel all these self destructive things and I feel hopeless again. I can't get in that headspace bc ik I'm not safe when I do. I wish I could fantasize even a little bit it seems to be a massive trigger for me bc fantasizing my life away kept me in an abusive relationship to begin with. I can just live in a totally different world if I want, it will just hurt like hell and I'll slowly disappear. And I don't want that anymore.
Now that I think about it, sex and destruction have always been tied together in my mind so it makes sense sex is a trigger for me. I don't even have sexual trauma so idk why. Maybe it's bc I always want to consume/be consumed completely, which hurts, bc it's impossible, and sex always makes me confront that desire and the impossibility at the same time. Maybe I need to be celibate for the rest of my life.