At the end of the day, I always manage to drive away people I care about. I have been living in this small apartment completely alone and in solitude for 8 years now. I hate my job, my university subject, my lifestyle and most of all I hate myself. My toxic traits like strong fear of loss that end in unnecessary jealousy destroy the bond I have with people. For a few months now, contact with a woman has brought me out of my loneliness and darkness. She means a lot to me and I have just managed to make her not want to have anything to do with me anymore. It is an eternal vicious circle. It is night and I am sitting alone in the dark in my apartment. I feel extremely bad right now. I am in this hole again. I hate myself. There is no person I hate as much as myself.