I had a medication appointment scheduled for next Tuesday that I scheduled four months ago. I just got a voicemail saying it was cancelled because I "didn't confirm" my appointment. I did, 4 times over the phone and once in person. I tried to kill myself two days ago, and I can't stop cutting myself, I'm losing control of myself and hurting myself badly. I needed this med appointment, I haven't been medicated in over a year. Guys I don't know what to do, I'm scared, I'm going to end up losing it soon and I don't want to WANT to die but sometimes I want nothing but to die. I haven't felt good in so long... I've been dealing with being mistreated and gaslighted and abused, my therapist knows this but I only got diagnosed with a personality disorder, when I think I have PTSD from my boyfriend saying he was going to kill me I am so scared and I'm scared of myself. I don't want to die but I don't want to be alive anymore. I can't stop throwing up every day for the last 6 months, I've been on my period constantly for over a year, I can't sleep, I feel like I'm really going to wither away and die or just end it myself so I stop hurting. I don't know what to do. I need help but I can't get leave at my job to go to a hospital, and I have zero family to help support me if I lost my job so I HAVE to stay free to work. But why go to work when I don't even see a reason to live. I just... I guess I just need to know how to get medicated sooner. I can't live like this for another four months.