I don't know what to do now, but I know it had to be done for a long time. For months really. All of this has entirely to do with my BPD and how I interacted with my FP who I was in a relationship with for 7 months. It was always a rocky relationship and my BPD tendencies were very consuming and made the relationship hard to work with. I was literally obsessed with her and she knew all this. She tried to be very understanding of my BPD, but I split one time and got drunk and said awful things that she never really forgave me for 5 months ago. 

The remaining months, I tried desperately hard to get her back. I quit drinking. I quit social media. I devoted my entire life to getting her back literally. It was starting to get better but I could tell there was a wall built between us that no matter what I did she'd never go beyond just tolerating me. 

This week I got really in my feelings about all this, and I started really trying to get her to talk to me and understand what she's thinking. If we'll ever continue our relationship. I realized there's no hope for us. I always knew the only way a breakup with her would work is if I lost all contact with her. We got into an argument and I basically sabotaged our relationship for good. I asked her to block me on everything because I'll just keep messaging her for years convincing her I'm getting better. She did that and i'm very confident I'm never going to see or talk to her again. 

I deleted all the pictures, texts, memories, nudes, even notes I wrote about her in my note app. I deactived some social medias too. There's basically no evidence of her on my phone anymore. 

I'm in shock and miserable this morning because it happened last night. This whole week we'd be in this kinda fighting terms and I havent eaten barely anything all week because I've felt too sick to my stomach to eat from enduring this. I know eventually the real authentic pain of all this will kick in and I'll be more devestated. 

Has anyone gone through this losing an FP to this extent? Is it really difficult and did you ever fully move on? Any adivce going forward.