She was a bit older than me. Has kids (I do as well). From the outside it seemed like she REALLY had her shit together financially (not important to me at all, not even in the slightest.) But I found it really impressive, and inspiring. Especially since it’s always been a huge challenge for me in the face of being a single father, with chronic depression, “substance use disorder” (apparently that’s the modern take, I’ve always said I was a junkie for years in my teens and early 20’s), with no family or support structures (even as a child, I was never taught how to be an adult, I was allowed to drop out of school, etc.).

She also seemed empathic, grounded, funny, unafraid to assert her principals or feelings (without being a jerk), etc etc. 

By day 2 we started talking on the phone “for five minutes” because she wanted to know details about a thing in my past, and I asked if I could call because it was a nuanced thing, and it would just be difficult to type it all out.

Well, she called, she asked, and I answered… and then we talked for 4 more hours. Chemistry between us was like something I haven’t felt since like 10th grade.  


And then I got onto the topic of my depression. I kind of scratched the surface, and before I know it I realize I’ve been word vomiting about my bouts of DEEP depression, and suicidality, and how, as a parent of a kid who’s mother abandoned them, it’s like a “rock and a hard place” feeling because I simply **cannot** leave the kid. But outside of that one caveat, I would have done it already. That is to say, I’m not on the fence. I enjoy good days. But my lows are low enough for me to act on it if I had the freedom. 


I stopped talking for a moment and heard the dreaded silence. I had already broken her heart and she didn’t even know me yet. She said that despite liking me a lot, she knows she’s not strong enough to carry me when and if I were to fall. 

I could tell she didn’t want to cut things off, and was only doing so because it was the “right choice” to make if you’re a parent with a kid to take care of (which she is). And when she told me she couldn’t continue with me, she was so kind and mature about it, so compassionate, and me being me and knowing the disparities between our lives (she was way out of my league, and 100% could do better. Not out of my own insecurities, but objectively. I got lucky lol) when she let me down, I told her I was really disappointed, but she was right. 

I’m still sad. Being an unemployed single parent who came out of a ridiculous toxic relationship with someone who suffered with BPD after she cheated on me and lied about SO much, and then rejected me…? She (the woman from hinge) took all that in stride. 

But I just couldn’t keep myself from oversharing my most intimate traumas with a total stranger. 

I don’t like this world.