I feel like my head and ears are going to explode from all the crying I’ve done tonight. My boyfriend of almost 2 years and I have gotten into this fun pattern of fights where I’ll instigate a fight by miscommunicating, he feels hurt and I do a shitty job at apologizing because I say I’m sorry and then explain why I did what I did (which he sees as a justification). He then picks up his phone and starts browsing the internet which drives me absolutely nuts, so I ask him to stop. He doesn’t and I get more mad. He finally stops and I’m now angry about THIS thing instead.

Up until then things are tense but then the worst part, he gets up to leave the place. Usually at my apartment. I start panicking when he’s leaving because I feel like he wasn’t being fair or listening to me or trying to see that I’m trying, and I keep begging him to stay. I’ve self-harmed SO many times in my apartment in this exact same situation. I feel like I’m in the Truman Show, it’s eerily the same each time. I resisted the urge to self-harm tonight but I still jumped around and cried obsessively begging him not to leave. I physically blocked him from leaving my apartment like a psychopath.

He keeps telling me he won’t do it again because he knows it hurts me and triggers me but then he does it again when things get tough or tense! I’m so confused and I feel like my reality is distorted. I get that he’s in Emotional Mind too when this happens but I don’t know how to stay grounded and not escalate to batshit crazy behaviour like running around, physically holding him and trying to hurt myself with any item I can find. I look and feel pathetic, like a rabid disgusting animal. 

I’m in DBT and I thought I was getting better so it shocks me every time our small fight turns into this nightmare. Please. I need help. I can’t go on like this anymore. I love him but I hate myself and my crying and I bet my neighbours hate me because the walls are thin. I want to die so badly every time this happens. I can’t live it down and the threat of him leaving me is always in the back of my mind. 