First and foremost I’ll say this; I know this is something I need to talk to my psychologist about, my appt is on Tuesday so I’m going to but I really just want to know if anyone relates to this. (Also I’ve only started to wonder what’s wrong with me after the following things happened)
Still trying to fathom my seesaw emotions in ex relationship, it started off as normal BPD relationship, he needed space because I was too clingy, I was sad, meanwhile during this time I became more and more interested in an ex who was texting me and started to idealise him, to the point where I had considered cheating multiple times but I knew I wouldn’t actually do that. My bf had asked me to block him so I did. Around this point I had started to think devaluing thoughts of my boyfriend like (I know these thoughts are wrong and disrespectful) he’s so insecure, he’s not as *fill in blank* as ex etc etc (I never actually said abusive things to him I just thought them) This happened for quite a while and I tried to stop thinking this way and really value him as a person, it really broke my heart one time when I started trying this he said “I feel like you’re actually appreciating and listening to me for the first time in ages” :,(. I feel so bad still thinking about it. I couldn’t overcome these thoughts though and when he tried to break up with me I went into a state I haven’t been in since I was a child, I was crying like mad, felt like I couldn’t breath, scratching my legs, rocking back and forth and pleading him like a dog legit. I ended up breaking up with him because I felt like I didn’t truly love him deep down and he deserved better and I knew the breakup would hurt me so bad but I thought maybe the reality check would help me. For a few weeks I was just 100% over him. Like I didn’t care at all, not one bit. Thinking of him was just blank. I still can’t really conjure those lovey feelings thinking of him but I appreciate and value him for who he is.
Anyone relate? :/ he’s happy now and I feel super bad but for real I don’t want to do this in my future relationship