My boyfriend just broke up with me. Or, at least, he tried.

 I've been feeling strange about us for the past couple of weeks. I started to feel more distance between us and that I've been more insufferable. Last night, I had a nightmare. I have night terrors every now and again, but I haven't had a nightmare since I was a child. I knew something was wrong. 

It wasn't a typical nightmare. Generally, when it happens, someone's trying to kill me or I'm falling from a great height, but it's never enough to actually scare me. Strangely enough, I usually find nightmares amusing. But this time, it was about children. I don't remember much about them, but I think I was a political figure advocating for people who live in war-torn regions, people who don't have access to food and clean water and other things we consider basic human rights. I started to see their faces and feel their pain and it was unlike anything I've ever experienced before. It pulled me halfway out of my sleep and I went to hold him out of fear and sadness, but I was worried it wasn't what he wanted so I didn't. 

When I left his place, this morning, I told him I was going home to make breakfast and start prepping for dinner. We kissed each other goodbye and I had planned on seeing him in the next few hours, as I usually would. I texted to ask when he was going to the park but I hadn't finished what I was doing quickly enough to join him so he asked if I wanted to go later to watch the sunset. I said no and gave my reasons. 

He hadn't responded for a couple of hours and I started getting anxious. I couldn't help but wonder if he was cheating on me or if he had gotten into an accident or if he just didn't want to talk to me. I considered that maybe he was giving me a dose of my own medicine because I often don't respond as quickly as I should. 

He eventually told me that we had to talk about us. That's when I stopped ignoring the voice in the back of my head telling me what I had known all along. He came over and said that he thinks we should just be friends. I immediately blamed myself because, in all honesty, I'm the one who keeps putting that distance between us. It's similar to what I do or have done with anyone I've ever cared about. 

If I feel like a situation is too good to be true, I ruin it by insulting the very people who allow those situations to happen. I correct them at every turn and I can be crude in my delivery. I've done that with him more times than I can count. 

We were both in tears. We couldn't look each other in the eye. I told him that I didn't think that being friends would work for me. I was diagnosed with BPD less than a year ago and most of my therapy for the past few months has been focused on other, major issues in my life. I can't say I'd know how I'd behave if we broke up and I were allowed any form of contact. 

He suggested that we take a break. And I said I didn't want that. Then he said maybe we could take it slower. That's something I've wanted from the start, but it feels impossible given where we are now (for reference, we've been dating 5 months and we've practically lived together since day one). He left the spare keys on my desk, but it feels like this is more than just taking it slow. It feels like we're finished. 

Those aren't the only issues we had, but I think it's one that defined our conversation, today. I have some thoughts on what I'd like to do, but I'd also like an outside perspective, especially from others with BPD who find themselves isolating or distancing themselves from others. How do I curb that behavior?