Hey, so bit of a long post, apologies in advance.

I’ve always been rather hard on myself, and I don’t know why.  My parents think that it’s my ADHD, and they say a lot of people with ADHD suffer self esteem issues because throughout their lives they’ve been yelled at, but with me it’s way different.  I remember being incredibly young, I’m talking 6-7 maybe even earlier, and hitting myself when I was frustrated.  This never transitioned into the “stereotypical” teenager self harm, but I still consider it self harm.  I would hit myself really hard on my head when I was upset or frustrated.  In high school I started paying attention to what I looked like as others do.  Started paying more attention to what I ate, I was (and am) obsessed with doing things “right”.  It was never “eat this much and you’ll be skinny” it was “eat this and this and you’ll be healthy” so I did, I started going to the gym, eating healthily, but the anxiety that came with it never left.  I remember having a panic attack because I missed my afternoon workout to stay after school with a crush of mine to watch a movie.  It started to transition from “do this because it’s healthy” to “do this because you have to be healthy.  If you’re not healthy you’re unhealthy, and if you’re unhealthy you’re unlovable”.  That thought pattern of black and white thinking seeped into every category of my life.  If I wasn’t getting all A’s I was failing, if I wasn’t working out I was doing the exact opposite, binging and laying around on the couch, and this still continues to this day.  Now, I should note that I looked and felt great when I was doing the opposite, not paying attention to what I ate, just eating with mindfulness and moderation, but after I went to college and gained my first freshman 15 (more like 45) I started hyper fixating on diet.  Now here I am coming off a 3 day binge session with one attempt at intermittent fasting and another attempt at a keto diet, then a Mediterranean diet, and I’m honestly just at a loss for what could be going on with me.  I talked to my sister who deals with anorexia and bulimia (she’s in recovery) much more than I do, I’ve never purged or expressly restricted myself to anything lower than say 1200 calories a day, and she said that although she isn’t sure if I have an eating disorder she’s noticed patterns that are indicative.  So today I’m trying to just eat what’s in the house, and what my parents prepare for me.  I get into it with my mom about leaving the kitchen a mess from my health food kicks all the time, and a part of me knows that if I just stop hyper fixating on what I eat I will look and feel better, it’s just hard to get into that mindset for me.  Thanks for reading this :)