 So yesterday I had an argument with my boyfriend (FP) whicb resulted in me crying and almost wanting to harm myself. Long story short, he's been sick all weekend and we don't live together, thing that made me have a lot of anxiety attacks and worries about him. The moment we could chat a little bit (he was feeling way better after like 1 day or 2) he said that he is gonna go watch something with his brother, thing that made me clearly upset. I don't want to be the selfish one and forbid him to do what he wants so I told him he could go but in a sad tone. This thing made him flip. He had a very demeaning tone as if he was above me and making fun of me while I told him that he can do as he pleases and I apologized for being selfish. Then I told him that if he and his brother, raking into considerration that they live together,couldn't have hanged out until now even though his health was fine (btw i sent him a lot of texts to see if he is ok and he didn't respond because he was busy having fun with someone else): "That's on you". You meaning him and his bro. Not only him. I know what I said was vague but I was alreasy dealing with emotions..Anyway he flipped out. I was trying to explain and begged him to let me explain. Then when I started he cut me off by making noises such us "na na na na" not leting me talk. I told him that it bothered me. He started laughjng and saying somrthing else. I found it out of place then asked him why did he cut me off and laugh. He told me he never did that even though he did that 2 minutes before. I started crying and then he told me "Baby you know you have insecurities...". I felt so shit. I felt crazy. I told him he was gaslighting me and how he reacted was very asshole-ish. He turned it on me. He said how dare I insult him like that, to which I explained I was just calling out his behavior,not him as a person. Anyway, he seemed very hypocritical that what he did was apparently justified but me calling him out on his behavior was apprently evil. We ended the argument by him asking me "How can you think you have the right to not allow me to do something else when Im always with you" which was the cherry on top. I told him that I did not find the comment very nice and explained to him that all the time when im in emotional pain due to BPD that he starts brining up stuff i said or did or that he finds annoying, thing that makes me feel so guilty and in pain that I self harm. He seemed to have a sudden realization and calmed down and apologized.
 We've been together for 5 years almost (we make 5 next month).. these 3 weeks we had 2 other fighta which were worse than this and idk how to handle everything properly. I feel betrayed, gaslit and at the same time guilty and feel like Im in the wrong. That I am the crazy one. I never know if what I hear is how other people hear it as well, Im always cautious and scared that I misinteepret stuff..Im always doubting myself if what I feel is the truth and the real narrative..and for him to just disregard what I say, to mock me and then to tell me I have insecurities, to use my BPD and mental illness against me...Idk i feel very confused right now.
Im sorry for the long post, I needed to vent.