I've had this friend call me out in the past for talking too much about myself and not asking her about what is going on for her, etc.

I feel like I've tried to be a better friend, but I guess I am not enough and too much.

Excerpts from the chat:

Me: "I feel so cut off from everyone. I'm so insecure as to the statuses of my friendships. This is very annoying and very needy, but I need to ask;

Are you annoyed, or frustrated with me? Etc.

I'm really struggling with insecurity.

My rational mind says that of course my friends don't hate me, but that other voice in my head says that you don't deserve friendship, and that everyone will end up leaving when they realize I'm a dick, worthless etc.

It's okay if you are annoyed with me. I just am having a hard time judging how people feel about me through the medium of text.

I've been in crisis mode for such a long time it is completely warping everything."

Them: "This friendship has felt very one-sided for quite some time.  I continue to hold out hope that it won’t feel that way long-term. It’s hard to struggle this way; I know I’ve been there. I hope that one day that we can have more of a friendship rather than me being merely a sounding board for your frustrations."

I then see them post some shit to Instagram like "it's okay to cut out toxic relationships that don't serve you any longer" not long after our chat.

I really spiraled after this. I went from bawling and hitting myself, to manically telling my wife how it's fine and that my friend is really the shitty one, etc. 

This lead to her crying and stating that she is having a hard time coping with my "multiple crises" a day and that she is going to fail the bar exam because she can't focus on studying when I am taking up so much mental and emotional space. She misses "the good times" when I was stabler. With each of her sobs I just wanted to kill myself more. 

I've lost touch with so many friends because of this pandemic, depression, and not reaching out due to mental illness. I have allowed myself to put too much pressure on her to be my emotional anchor. It is taking a toll on my marriage. I fucking hate myself.

I have a job interview in a few hours within the same organization I am in and I know I'm going to tank it as I've not prepared at all.

I took 3x the amount of muscle relaxants, and 3x the amount of seroquel hoping I'd not wake up.

I don't know how to keep going. I keep thinking about making an attempt or self harming to the point I need to be admitted.