I picked up my buspirone prescription yesterday, aka my partner drove us and went in with me because I haven’t been able to drive and can’t go anywhere alone due to my anxiety getting more and more debilitating as each year goes by! It’s been 3 years of me developing horrendous anxiety out of no where for seemingly no reason, and 3 years of excuses and hoping it’ll go away on its own. 

I have huge medication anxiety. My brother OD’d on oxy when I was a kid and it devastated my family. I watched my dad have a seizure and die when I was 11 over *ibuprofen*. Suddenly allergic! Luckily he was revived and he’s still kickin’!!! But that stuck with me for forever. My mom has always taken holistic approaches to ailments when possible. She’s pushed her belief that pills are bad and harmful onto all of us since we were kids. She’s given birth 4x with no epidural, won’t take a Tylenol if she has a migraine, etc. idk why. 

I’ve always believed in science and in the medical community. Always have been happy for and encouraged anyone starting their own psychotropic regimen. I’ve been prescribed at least 5 different meds in the last 4 years and I’ve been too chicken shit to take a single one. 

With the help from my fiancé, reminding me that I’m always scared to try something new, but once I do it, I love the new medicine in my arsenal! He had to remind me that I will be okay. We live near a hospital. The chances of something bad happening are low. The benefits outweigh the risks. 

I cried and laughed through the tears as soon as I swallowed the pill. I did it!

It’s now been an hour and I am feeling normal. No side effects so far, no signs of allergic reaction… just chilling in the bath with bubbles, a nice candle and nostalgic music. 

I’m hopeful that things start changing for me. I want to live a normal life again so terribly. I want to go to restaurants with my family and not sit in the bathroom and panic the entire time. To drive to the beach on a rainy day if I want to. Have job opportunities that aren’t just remote and to not panic during an interview. Random Barnes n Noble trips and a nice coffee. To get things from the store if my partner is sick. To be able to drive us home from another city if he gets smacked with Covid symptoms the next morning. To just be a functional and happy 24 year old living her life!!!!