As I’ve been going to therapy, I’ve been realizing how traumatic my childhood actually was and how awful my mom is to me. I didn’t even realize what I was feeling was depression until I was 17 (now 27), and I’ve been medicated ever since. 

But a lot has happened and taken a toll on me in so many ways over the past couple of years. I was telling him the other day that I feel like I’ve been in a constant state of depression since 2020 and his only response was asking me if I had told my therapist- which yes and I previously told him about her wanting to change my meds to improve my depression. 

It’s not just that though. I feel like he judges me for a lot of things my depression keeps me from doing. I was going to the gym for a while and then got COVID and haven’t gone since because I feel like even doing that is too much some days. I’ve also had insomnia for about a year, which to sleep better he tells me to just “establish a better schedule” as if it’s that simple. I’ve told him how I can come home after being on my feet for 10 hours but when I get in bed I’m wide awake still. And when I do fall asleep, it’s so irregular that I “sleep” for like 10 hours even though probably 6 of it is actual sleep and I never feel rested enough. 

I feel like I’m very open about my mental health with him and in general. And when I don’t feel like talking about something, I show it in other ways unintentionally like being extra quiet or crying at any sign of conflict/anger/annoyance. 

I just feel so judged about these things from someone who themselves has a history of depression and a suicide attempt. I’m worried I’m not expressing myself well enough or something but it’s really messing with me.