I’ve gotten past the suicidal thoughts and attempting suicide. That’s mostly due to how many times I failed. I think I’ve given up on giving up. I’m alive mostly cus I feel forced to be alive. The idea of death is still very alive in my brain and although I don’t actively seek death, I wouldn’t mind it either. I’ve gotten through so much shit in my life but somehow I’m not grateful to be alive still. Things are starting to get better in life but I keep feeling like it’s not really getting better and it’s just my way of trying to feel better. Like I’m still stuck in a really bad situation and I know it’s only a few months away from being better but it certainly doesn’t feel like it. I feel like my depression never went away, it just took a back burner. Idk.