so... i think i have quiet bpd. but i know that it's hard to diagnose. i want to bring it up to my therapist. my medications aren't working and i want to go to a psychiatrist, but don't know where to start.

maybe someone could let me know if this sounds like bpd and should talk with my therapist about it?

sometimes i feel like i'm two different people when it comes to my partner. one week i'm interested in him and i love him and we're made for each other and i picture our future together and he's my favorite person to be around. the next week i just.. don't care for him? everything in my life feels wrong in these times. our relationship feels so wrong and everything he does annoys me and i can't make it stop. it makes me want to cry and i've had to leave works because of feeling like this. i almost went to the psych ward because of it. 

i also constantly feel like something inside of me is missing? if that makes any sense. like there's just a part of me that isn't there. i feel empty in a weird way and the world around me isn't real and i'm basically always dissociated. 

i have no clue who i am as a person either. i have an eating disorder and body dysmorphia and my self image is fucked. i feel like all the things i like are just me pretending to like them? i don't feel like i'm actually a person with interests, and i just have no clue who i am. that's part of what feels missing.

i also have intense mood swings. like.. very very intense. one hour i'm okay and i feel good and then the next hour i am NOT okay and i will never be okay again. everything feels like it's crumbling down on me which results in me acting out in self destructive behaviors. impulsive buying and self harm are the top ones. 

my world feels very very very black and white and it's absolutely exhausting. everything is my fault and everything is wrong and it's all my fault and there's no controlling my emotions from one hour to the next. 

but i hide it well. not even my parents knew how i felt until recently. none of my friends really know, my boyfriend is the only one. my therapist says being this high functioning is one of biggest blessings and curses. 

idk if it's just depression, but it feels like more than that idk. 

again, i'm not looking for someone to be like "you have bpd" i just want someone to reassure me in thinking it would be a good idea to look into it with my therapist. 

i just want to get the proper help because this is exhausting.