I came home a few minutes ago and the power is off because I haven’t paid the bill.

I lost my job a few months back and was out of work for a while. I started a new job but it only pays bi-monthly, and during my third week of work, I got the flu and missed all but one day that week. So money was tight for a few months.

I feel like a fucking failure because I’m so bad at managing my money. My last paycheck was decent, but I was irresponsible and spent it on things I didn’t need right at the minute. I should have paid the electricity bill last week, right when I got my paycheck, but my depression has been really bad lately, even though I like my new job, and I just… *didn’t*. And now my spouse is (rightfully) frustrated with me and she has to go pay it tomorrow because I go to work before the utilities office opens and get off after they close.

I’m just so angry at myself. I want to be better, but I can’t even go see my doctor right now because my new job as a 90 day probationary period before I qualify for insurance.