It used to be quite the opposite for me. For a good portion of my life, I wanted nothing else but for it to end. I was so, so alone all the time, alternating between sitting on my computer and lying in bed, where I'd just stare and contemplate. When I think about those blurred days, months, years, I always start to well up. 

But by some fluke, I met a wonderful woman. It was on Reddit of all places. Of course I did not know where this would lead at the time. I would often meet people on here and chat for a few days, usually leading to a mutual ghosting. It was just something to fill the void. 

But she stuck. Anytime something seemed like it would tear us apart, it simply didn't. We wanted each other that bad, because there was something more to this bond of ours. I talked to her online every single day, from sun up to sun down, sleeping every night on call for 6 months until I took a leap of faith to meet her in person. It went so perfectly, I couldn't have dreamed it better. I returned 1 month later and moved in because I couldn't wait any longer. 

I've been living a wonderful life in person with my lover for 10 months now, something I thought I'd NEVER have. It's such a contrast in terms of perfection, that I've started to become depressed for all new reasons. 

Now I desperately don't want life to end. That life has an end depresses me so deeply that it seems like it simply can't be so. I try to view death as external to life, which is unfortunately not the case. I desperately hope for a future where there is medical immortality, or SOME innovation to allow me to cling to life with my girlfriend.

I am now at a point where I stare at old photos of my earliest days with my lover, read old texts between us, look at objects that stir memories around the house etc. and just get stuck reliving our sweetest moments. It's feels both sweet and like a sinking in the chest, in that I wish I could live in the moment as I used to. Now I am so preoccupied with death and illness that I've developed panic disorder and medical anxiety. I wish I could just relive those moments in an ignorant loop. 

Now I constantly envision a future where one of us dies first and has to do without the other. Both outcomes are equally heartbreaking and frightening. It seems mental illness is bound to always be a part of me, which is an equally miserable fact. 

Anyway, I don't know who I wrote this for, and most likely no one read it, but it's been brewing in my head, so I put it out there in case anyone could relate.