T/W
Suicidal Ideations
Suicide
Self-Harm




Alive
Ahaha
F*CK



no but really. this is the second week in a row I've (25f) called off work because I'm having a hard as hell time. earlier this morning my intrusive thoughts were absolutely off the charts. had my first active suicidal thought in quite some time. just dumping all the trazadone I have in the cupboard down my throat and laying down for a snooze. even stood there with the bottle just looking down at the little things. only thing that prevented me is my angel of a dog looking up at me because he deserves to keep the family and home I've made for him here. and now I feel guilty.

idk what the hell is going on with me. last few weeks I've been hypomanic (also have bipolar disorder) so I guess this is what I get for having a good time. can't discuss my current state with my current s/o (30/m) because he doesn't believe it's real? or *that bad*? or validated? or something. I don't know. also pretty sure he hates me. he didn't say he loved me when he left this morning. so he's probably gonna leave me soon ahaha so that's good

been picking at my skin again, ripping my hair out and just feel beyond compelled to start c*tting again. but I've been biting my nails and trying to keep my hands busy to stop myself from starting the whole messed up ritual. 

and yes, I've called my therapist and my psychiatrist, so like, clearly there's something in me that wants to hang in here. not that they answered lmao but still

tldr: having a real hard time keeping myself together and alive right now and it's really overwhelming and I'm trying my best