Full disclosure: this is going to be a long post. I’m a descriptive and thorough dude, but if you don’t have interest in reading a novel, feel free to keep scrolling. 

I’ve reached a realization in the last few weeks that I’ve got to do something to better my life and take control of my depression. For the last few years, specifically in the last 6 months - year, I’ve just been alive and coasting along, but I’ve not been enjoying life and been a productive person. 

My productivity in my personal life with things like chores and getting out and enjoying hobbies has been extremely low. My productivity at work has been low, low enough to the point where my supervisor pointed it out at my last evaluation. Not enough for formal disciplinary action, but it was just pointed out. I was raised to have a strong work ethic and being, frankly, what I’d consider to be lazy is not who I am or want to be. 

I have fallen into the trap of “comfort spending” as a coping mechanism. I’ve gotten myself tens of thousands of dollars in debt. I have a good paying job and I don’t live paycheck to paycheck, yet, but I could see this becoming the case if I keep my spending up. It does create an issue with wanting to live in an area where I think I’d be happy. Cost of living is as high as it’s ever been and while I can afford the apartment I currently live in, I don’t see myself being able to afford living in the city/state I want to live in. 

My relationship has suffered. Frankly, I believe my relationship is one of the reasons my depression has worsened. I’m a passionate, physical, and honestly sexual dude in nature, but my GF is not and I am not getting what I feel I need in a relationship. I’ve been in a relationship with my GF for several years and I don’t know how to bring the issues up. I’m finding myself envying happy couples and seeking what I’m missing. I have never and will never cheat, but my will is running thin. I additionally have anxiety (diagnosed) and uncomfortable conversations make me really, well, uncomfortable and I have no idea how I’d go about ending the relationship. Every other relationship I’ve been in has ended on mutual terms due to distance or other similar reasons. I’ve never had to “dump” anyone in my life, let alone simply due to being unhappy. She sees herself spending her life with me and I’m nowhere close to feeling that &amp; I know it would break her heart to end things, which is another reason it’s so hard to think about doing. I do think I’ve settled and am remaining in the relationship solely because it’s comfortable to have a “person,” but I know that I will be miserable if I spend my life with my GF. 

I guess I just don’t know how to achieve a certain level of happiness that I know I can have. I was diagnosed with depression in college and there were several years after my diagnosis that I was generally happy and productive. I felt I had a hold on my depression. I am occasionally seeing a therapist, but the only thing I feel like I get out of it is getting some things off my chest. I find it hart to stick to the positive coping mechanisms we’ve established. 

I guess the purpose of this post was to 1), get my true feelings out there in admitting that I know I’m at a low right now, and 2) try to get any advise that could be offered. I’m by no means as low as I know some others are with considering self harm/suicide, but for me, this is probably the lowest I’ve ever been.