This is something I have a hard time wrapping my head around. As I've mentioned before here, my ex has gotten back into contact with me a few months ago after four years of silence. She started dating somebody else very quickly after we broke up because of external circumstances and because of me overthinking and making a rash decision instead of talking to her about things. They've been dating ever since.

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The same day she starts talking to me though, she begins to tell me how bad things can get between the two of them. Lots of fights. He throws insults at her over very minor things  (asking him to clean the litter box results in him yelling at her and calling her crazy), saying things like "I'll never understand that BPD thing" despite all her attempts to try to explain what she deals with, which makes her feel very invalidated. He's threatened to abandon her at a homeless shelter, he's dislocated ribs, he's stolen money very frequently. And other things. Then he cries and blames other things and begs for forgiveness for the way he treats her. Just recently she spent about 4 days with no food at home because he would come home and argue with her 'til 4am instead of going to get groceries with her.

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I know they have good moments, but that doesn't excuse the abuse. She's been dealing with this for years - she'll lay down a boundary (which is already pretty scary for her), he'll cross it, they'll fight about it, then there's a few days of calm before it happens again. It's almost like she thinks "this'll be the last time for sure, he wants to change and be better" even though it just keeps happening.

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I'm wondering why somebody would put up with this kind of abuse. She said word for word a couple weeks after we started talking "I left my parents abuse for his abuse". If she sees it and recognizes that, then  why stay? Why spend so much time fighting for it?

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I wonder if it's because of that parental abuse. She was mistreated and neglected by the people that are supposed to love her, in some of the same ways he does. Is it because the abuse is at least familiar to her? If something healthier came along would she be waiting for the other shoe to drop when he guard is down? I just don't understand the thinking. If somebody else has dealt with similar, can you explain what your thought process was for staying for as long as you did?