About people missing and not missing being a child, generally I'm pretty apathetic is as if I've been emotionally broken for 8+ years and I'm only 19

But for some reason certain things get under my skin usually I can't cry not do to some disease afaik but literally just due to general numbness my entire persona changed heavily within the span of a little over a decade like 3x

I feel as if I can't understand the universe it feels as if it's targeted my life no matter how much I try and consider that others are dealing with worse circumstances I just have no one to genuinely support me or talk to it's been that way for awhile 5+ years, I don't know what to do, I've just been trying my best to move out of the toxic relationships I'm in but after 8+ years of apparently caring much too deeply about them when they don't for me I still worry for their future as they're unhealthy themselves and hurting themselves, I keep telling myself not to as it's taken me so long to stop making excuses for their behavior but I can't I hate it, I don't like them or love them yet something is still there preventing me from emotionally cutting them off

I'm not asking for a response of any sorts I just need to translate view to somewhere