He used to show it so often. He'd send me good morning messages before I woke up, he'd grumble and pout when I left calls to to run errands, he'd message me while I was away and tell me he missed me, he'd answer me fairly soon any time I messaged him.

Now when I'm out of the house it's like I don't exist. He doesn't respond to half my messages but the instant his best friend messages in our group chat he responds there, he never randomly messages me to tell me he misses me, he doesn't message me good morning, some night he doesn't even tell me before he goes to bed.

I know a lot of it is fault on my end. I -know- he's awful at multitasking and he forgets to answer. I -know- he responds in the group chat before responding to me because I get panicky when he doesn't answer and I send a hundred mesaages so he tunes me out. I know he loves me and I know he needs me.

But I want to rip my hair out and punch walls and tear myself up physically and emotionally because I **NEED** him to show it. I need to know. I can't explain the panicky fury and self hatred that come when he doesn't. When I see him respond to others before me.

I know it's irrational and I try to control it and I know it's a problem on my end. When I calm down I'll probably be fine. But for now all I want to do is fucking die and bash my face into the fucking wall.

I just want to know he misses me the way I miss him. I just want to know that when we're apart he misses me so much he thinks it'll kill him, just like I do. I don't want him to only feel that way for others. I just want to know that I fucking matter and exist in his mind beyond the time we spend together.

I just want to fucking know I matter.