I’m turning 25 in a few weeks. I have my bachelor’s degree and always wanted to go to medical school. For those who don’t know, med school applications increased by like 200% since 2020. Acceptance rates have been below 5%. My lifelong goal was to become a doctor and after being rejected 30 times in a row, I can’t get myself to go through the blood curdling application cycle again. I tried to push past it all because I know there’s a pandemic going on and a lot of people are hurting right now too, but now I’m stuck with almost 50k in student loans, have a piece of shit car, a $15/hr job doing absolute shit at a doctor’s office, and have nothing to look forward to in my life. 

I’ve been trying to focus on my mental and physical health. I got a new workout bike and have been trying to exercise. I went to the doctor for the first time in almost ten years and finally got put on antidepressants. I went to therapy and have actually been sticking with it for the past two months. But I just can’t keep pretending that things are getting better. 

My weight is all over the place, the medications don’t work, and my therapist recently told me that my traumas were too complex and neither herself nor other coworkers can help and they need to do research on who they can refer me to instead. They have been doing this research over the last few weeks and have come up with nothing so far. This was a major blow to my mental status, feeling like I am not normal. 

My family doesn’t care and I don’t really have many friends. I love the people I work with but I also can’t compare that to the fact that I can barely afford my rent and car payments during the month. I’m trying to look for other jobs but the prospect of giving up my dream career is absolutely soul crushing. I also cannot afford the application cycle again for med schools. I spent over $5k for these applications originally and just kept getting rejected. 

Things are very hard right now and I don’t know where to turn. It seems like things are only getting worse and I don’t see a resolution in my future. I don’t want to keep taking medications that aren’t working and I’m tired of feeling like a failure all the time.