This is obviously a throwaway account because I have a reputation to maintain on my original account and I don't want everyone finding out about this. This is most likely gonna be triggering for most people and If this post is not fit for this sub I don't mind it getting deleted but please be good enough and recommend me a subreddit or any website that I can use to seek the help I need.


I will try my best to keep this post clear and easy to understand but forgive me because I'm completely out of my head and can barely think. I'm a teenager living in a slightly below average household. No abuse, neglect or anything like this. I have been treated by my family with love, care and respect. I used to be a violent child but I never hurt anyone out of pleasure or for fun. You could say I didn't firmly grasp the concept of consequence or empathy. I was a curious child who would only top everything there was out of spite for other children. I never had an interest in academics and I still don't. I was praised for it by everyone around me calling me a prodigy and a competitive child since birth. Now, this curiosity feels like it's gonna be the destruction of my mental state and the ones around me. A few years ago this curiosity turned into morbid curiosity which at the time thought nothing of it and felt like it was nothing to be dwelled on since everyone had morbid questions from now and then. This was the case until I got into anatomy. I started having intrusive thoughts. I didn't want anyone to teach me anything. I wanted to do it myself. I wanted to get my hands on human bodies. Dissect them and study them myself. I'm gonna cut this story short. This obsession with bodies turned into hours of research about serial killers, murders and much more. I have thoughts of hurting others and at some points I completely lose sympathy for anyone including my family and start feeling bloodthirsty. But I'm neither a sociopath nor a psychopath. I want this to stop and I do not wish to harm others. Do not get me wrong, this is no threat and I will try to do my best to overpower it. The problem is, my family is quite poor and do not have enough money for professional help so there is no way for me to consult a therapist. I also dont want them finding out. I feel ashamed of my self but I want to change before it's too late. (Keep in mind that I am still a kid and my brain is still developing. I have absolutely zero emotional intelligence that can help me study and understand my situation. I feel stupid for this and hopefully it's just me overreacting/overthinking) I want to keep studying biology without having urges to kidnap or kill anyone. 

I will copy this and keep it in case it gets deleted here.