Last night after coming to terms with the fact that my children will grow up without relatives, I decided to stop my transition. I know. I know. It won't bring my mother back, or my sisters or my friends, or even my dad, hell, he stop talking to me years ago anwyay. I have no friends and it's hard as hell to make them as an adult. But I keep pushing for these people, for everyone, even after the gaslighting. Abuse. Lies. Pain. I still fought and fight for them. Now I stare at my children and partner and think...... 

I'm so sorry you all are stuck with me. 

Anwyay, last night I decided I'm done trying for myself. Trying for anyone really...  I decided that I don't want to survive anymore, I just want to drown. Sooooo with that this morning I canceled all my medications and all my  appointments. I've told my kids I will no longer be yelling at them, punishing them (putting them in the corner or sending them to bed.. etc..), or pushing them any longer. I am here to cook, clean, and teach. This is their lives and I am just here to take them to the hospital and give them hugs after. I'm just a shell now and I'm okay with that. At first I thought all this would take me down... but no... when I walked out in front of those cars a few days ago and no one hit me, I knew then that I would be stuck here, so I'm just going to smile constantly for my kids and partner. I just wanted to get that out. That's all.. 

good luck