Hey all. I've been on my recovery journey with my mental health for a long time, and have made it a long way. I no longer regularily self harm or have an ED, and I think I'm generally a much more pleasant person to be around than I was in my teen years.
However, lately (like, in the past year or so), for no discernable reason, I've been resorting back to some behaviours I used to exhibit as a little kid- basically, having a rage so uncontrollable that I can't think straight and I physically hit and punch myself in the face and head and say awful things to myself. 

 The worst part is I've done it in front of loved ones before; it's disturbing for them to see and I don't intend to be manipulative or upsetting to them. It makes me look like a crazy person but in that moment it's almost like, I'm so full to bursting with anger at myself that I almost *want* to shake my whole world up around me. 

I wanna note that I've never intentionally harmed another person physically or emotionally. My rage is very strongly geared towards myself, and whatever I percieved in the moment as being what earned me this self abuse. Almost inevitably when I'm done hurting myself, I sob uncontrollably, even if I'm not particularly sad about something it's just this intense outpouring of emotion. It's a lot, it basically feels like a childish meltdown in the body of an adult.