I didn't think that I was suicidal anymore until it hit me on Friday evening. Got drunk to muster up courage and went for my pills and the kitchen knives. My boyfriend found me before I could do it. He had to physically restrain me for hours. Eventually we agreed on a non lethal dosis of sleeping pills so that neither of us had to deal with this that night. I slept through the whole Saturday. Today I woke up and nothing has changed, the keys to my pill compartment and the kitchen knifes are gone but I stashed extra pills that he didn't find. Wish me luck that they're enough. If tomorrow this post gets deleted I failed, if it stays it means that I'm finally gone.