I'll try not to write a novel but my life story in brief: always socially troubled, never had many friends, had trouble forming any kind of relationship. Always extremely sensitive, would go into crying fits if spoken to in the wrong tone of voice. My parents didn't believe in psychology, so they held me back from getting proper help until my teen years. 

From about age 15 to now (26) I've been in regular therapy. It hasn't helped at all and I just keep getting worse. I've been on over 20 different medications, not one of which have helped. Constant thoughts of suicide, on and off. I constantly need attention and validation and affection, but I almost never get it so I tend to self-harm or leave vile comments to people online in hopes of getting some form of attention.

Some of these are family traits- my dad's side has a curse where we can't maintain relationships at all. I know it sounds crazy but it's true. But I seem to be doing almost worse than any other family member. 

I was given different diagnoses over the years. First just depression, then schizoaffective disorder I think? It was one of the schizo- ones that wasn't schizophrenia. I don't even remember because none of them were really elaborated on. I kept asking if I was bipolar and got told no. 

Then finally I began seeing doctors who told me I *was* bipolar. It's so confusing to get different diagnoses constantly. But still, none of the medications worked. I eventually stopped taking meds (I have a bad habit of stopping myself because they don't work). Haven't been on any now in over 2 years. I'm not any better or worse than when I was on them (except progressively getting worse as usual).

Not once did any docs say I had BPD, but the description of it sounds so much more similar to me than bipolar does. I don't fit every trait of bipolar but BPD... it seems it matches. 

I'm in the USA and no longer have insurance, so as for getting diagnosis... pffft. I do see a therapist- she's nice enough to basically see me for free now. Idk if she's qualified to diagnose me or anything though- she's a psychologist but not a psychiatrist so cannot give me meds (not that I want them, because I don't). 

I think I'm already beyond help, but at least it's nice to finally see something that fully describes me. Not sure what to do now. I don't think I'll ever be able to afford the help I need. 

Also: forgot to mention, I'm autistic. Well, pretty sure. I know adult diagnosis isn't solid like diagnosing a child is. But a psychologist said I was. 

On top of that though: just found out a few months ago that when I was little, the family doctor tried to diagnose me as being on the spectrum. My mom didn't wanna hear it so she took me home. I just found this out months ago and I cried. My mother prevented me from getting the proper help that could have saved me. 