I don’t remember the last night when I was able to actually fall asleep with no worries, no depressive thoughts, nothing, just be able to sleep while being relaxed, and sleep the entire night, without waking up. I wake up over 7 times every night in the span of maybe 4-5 hours. Likewise, I don’t remember the last time I woke up feeling hopeful and ready for the day to come. Everyday feels like a drag, as if I’m having to force myself to do anything, even the things I used to love like cooking, singing, drawing, anything really. Yet I find myself having morbid thoughts before I fall asleep, nightmares, while I’m asleep, and pain when I wake up in the morning. This isn’t life, the way I’m living isn’t actually living it’s just breathing. I used to cut myself, and when my parents found out I stopped, that was my only release though, so now without that, and factoring in my inability to cry, I’m found in an endless loop of depressive thoughts and no quality of life. A whirlwind of emotions. I turn 20 on June 4th and while I should be excited and happy, I haven’t actually celebrated my birthday in 3 years, and I’m not wanting to celebrate this one either. I don’t feel like I can ever do anything right. I was in a bad car wreck back in 2013 with my dad and my siblings, and was told no one should’ve survived, yet we all did… the guardrail had bent and shoved its way into our car coming up literally 3 centimeters over my head… the only thing that saved me was the fact that I had my head down because I was sleeping. Sometimes I wish I didn’t, if only I had stayed up that night, I wouldn’t have had to live to see the day when I wish I was dead. I was the peppiest, happiest person you could ever meet, but life just kept throwing bricks in my way. Right when I was starting to pick myself up and get out of depression last year, I was raped, by my bf at the time. Life never goes the way I want it to and I’m not able to cope with things the way I’d like to. So here’s where we are:
No release of tears
No emotional release
No quality of life
No genuine laughter 
Sleepless nights
Happiness lacking days
Constant feeling of failure, abandonment, loss of control

And yet, I’m still here, just holding onto that last bit of hope that something in my life is going to work out in my favor.