I just feel empty most of the time, once in a while I'll feel a burst of happiness but it's mostly grey and gloomy. I hate life. I don't like living most of the time. The closest friend I have, I met online and lives several hours away. Sometimes I feel that my depression is getting better, but then I go into a downwards spiral and end up in the same boat as I started in. I have a girlfriend but I feel like she doesn't even like me. I went over to her house and we just sat on the couch and she didn't even sit next to me or was close with me or anything. I recently graduated and all my close friends that I graduated with I haven't even kept in contact with. I see people that I used to know in the store and they either avoid eye contact and don't talk to me, or they quickly say hi and move on. I just feel empty and sometimes I feel I should just drive my car into a tree without a seatbelt on. I don't want to die, but at the same time when there's nothing to look forward to why would I want to go on. I've been thinking about joining the military just so I can go and maybe get blown up or something. I just don't know what to do and I'm near the end of my patience and it sucks to know that noone I've been close to actually cares.