I have never really been a SH type of person, few things here and there, more of an all or nothing where when I do it’s a big deal and a big display for validation. Well this time is different, I legitimately can’t reach out to anyone and due to that I cut myself out of pure anguish and loneliness. I’m tired of my spiral, this has been too long of an episode. Normally I can have a baseline which I return to in times of comfort but lately I’ve been far more reactive and cruel when I’m in my spirals and have been experiencing way more derealization and depersonalization episodes to the point where people have expressed concern which is a fear for me because I become more attached to them which causes me to distance myself even more. This has been going on for a couple weeks, I wish I could text my FP although I can’t, I know I shouldn’t because it’s an unhealthy attachment but I want to. The last time things got this bad I had a belt around my neck and ended up in the ER. I don’t want to go back to the psych ward but I might need to. Fuck