I have never been the happiest person, but I’ve also had a decent amount of trauma in my life, that was always spaced out in such a way that my episodes were just “sadness”. I make this excuse for myself, and others around me made the same excuse for me. 

I went to a psychiatrist for the first time in April, looking for adderall as I was having trouble focusing at work. After talking with her for a bit she told me that I’m definitely hyperactive, but I’m also depressed. And that my hyperactivy just kept most of the sadness at bay for me. 

So she medicated me. And those first two weeks were terrible. I hated everyone and everything, minus my dog, and I just wanted to die. It was a really hard few weeks and I’m not sure how I made it out. 

I feel like I am finally regulating now. And, for the FIRST time in my life I want to clean! I have never wanted or cared about cleaning. Most of my house was well put together, but my room and bathroom have always been a disaster. It hasn’t happened all at once, but earlier tonight I deep cleaned my bathroom. And then I cried, because I realized that all this time I had been neglecting myself, and not caring about my life. 

There’s plenty of instances I now look back on, and I can see how being medicated would have helped me. And so while I’m glad I am now, I just wish I had sooner.