I never saw myself living long and never thought I would graduate college. My high school friend and I were a support system for each other and found light in love and laughter only to return home with full mundane anguish of depression. About a year and two months ago, I lost her to suicide and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life, more intense than any depressive episode I have experienced. (There have been times when I was so depressed I peed and pooped in a cooler in my room, rarely ate and slept all day. I had to quit school as I was failing all my responsibilities on top of intense sh.) But her death has made me realize one person’s depression will spread to the 100’s of people you have met. I can’t do that to my family, friends, former teachers and coaches. So now, I choose life. 

I have fallen back into a depressive episode surrounded by loneliness unrelated to her death after graduating—this wasn’t the plan. I find it hard to eat in a healthy manner only binging high calorie foods or nothing at all. I sleep 12 hours at night and take 3-5 hour naps during the day. I do the journaling, I try to exercise for 30 minutes to and hour but my body aches and I just want to be back in bed. Because I’m binging and spending most of my days in dream land, I have gained a significant amount of weight. 

My parents have expressed worry for me but what should they be worried about? I am not going to hurt myself but I would love to be placed into a medically induced coma. 
I genuinely believe my parents should not of had kids if they knew depression ran so deeply in the family tree. 

I feel so lonely but feel so awkward when I do speak to friends or family. I am happy to be around them but hearing about others live a normal somewhat happy life makes me feel utterly miserable and I want to be alone again. My family calls me a Debby downer since I have nothing positive to say or think and it makes me feel like a burden to others. Any suggestions on how to be more present when spending time with others?

Anyway, any tips that have helped you find life more bearable? I’m starting a new job soon, I’m worried I won’t be able to stay awake. I am also nervous about seeing other people because it is so clear I have a poor relationship with food. I fear I won’t be able to hold a conversation with my new coworkers (I used to love small talk)I’m basically a billboard for depression.