I'm sorry in advance if you read this post and it doesn't make sense, I've wanted to write on this sub for a while but any time it comes to trying to articulate myself when expressing emotions, problems or trauma it goes horribly wrong. I also want to add that this is **not** me looking for clarification that I have BPD.

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I'm not diagnosed with BPD but after years of suffering and meeting someone with it who suggested to me that I may have it and then months of contemplation and finally a recent breakdown, I think it's likely that I do. For as long as I can remember I've struggled so much with what seemed like basic human things. Platonic relationships are incredibly stressful for me. I'm constantly switching back and fourth on whether I like or dislike the person, love them or hate them. Constantly going back and fourth on considering them to be a good friend and then despising them and believing that they're manipulating me or out to get me. I don't feel like I can ever truly settle or trust someone due to my constant fear of being abandoned. Romantic relationships were so much worse. Intimacy was my biggest fear. Nothing  triggered my anxiety more. When exploring a new relationship and around the person I was always in a state of extreme anxiety and disassociation. Most of them predominately occurred over text. My entire being is just a fucked up trail of instability. I can never just be stably happy or stably sad. I don't feel like I can control conflicting emotions. I'm always in one extreme state. I was so unaware before. It stresses me out so much looking back on it now, week to week for my therapy appointments I would go from being ecstatic and having 'cured my anxiety' and 'cured my depression' and wanting to cancel therapy because I didn't feel like I needed it anymore to the next week being deeply numb and suicidal. In fact, I *did* cancel therapy, *multiple* times, and always ended up going back. I always figured that it was normal for teenagers to have mood swings, and it must be my fault for not taking care of myself anyway, because everything is always my fault. No one ever understood what I meant when I said that I felt empty and like nothing was real. It was always approached in a way as though it was just the way I had structured *my own* perception. Like I'd convinced myself I couldn't feel and convinced myself that life felt like a dream where I was on auto pilot. And because I had such low self esteem and didn't trust myself or my own experience at all, I listened. I convinced myself that it was entirely me. I'm so stupid. I'm sabotaging myself. I'm making everything up to sabotage myself. I don't even have problems. Who do I think I am?. Until it got worse, and worse, and worse. Follow a trail of emotionally abusive situations and relationships, finally realising that my dad was emotionally abusive, a trail of numbness to the point that I couldn't cry for over a year, and couldn't laugh or smile for months, disassociation to the point that I physically couldn't be around other people because I felt like I was going insane, disassociation to the point that I would hallucinate figures and faces around my room trying to get me. And more, which has finally led me to here. I feel like I need to get help, but don't know how to approach it. I've been on a waiting list to see a psychologist, and there's about a month and a half wait left. I'm just afraid I won't be listened to. I don't want to self diagnose, but BPD the only disorder I've felt like I could have. I feel like there's part of my mind I have no control over. I'm watching myself sabotage my own life.