Doing this on an anon account because I’m not really ready for all of this.....

I didn’t even know that borderline personality disorder existed. I was looking to see if I could find any threads about compulsive lying and ended up here. 

In my 30 years of living, I never knew that anyone felt the way that I felt. I thought there was something wrong with me. Tonight I learned about FPs (I’ve had so many), the deep feeling of abandonment from everyone close to you that if you ask “are you mad at me” one more time, your husband is going to leave you, about dissociating for days at a time, about the intense thought that if you could just pack a bag and move and start over it would be different and you could try again (it won’t). Stealing bits and pieces of people to make yourself more interesting that you don’t even know who you are anymore. 

When I was really little (8-12), I used to wake up in the middle of the night  and wake my parents up to ask them if they were mad at me. They weren’t, but I’d created some reason in my head that they were. My mom tells that story to people with such hilarity behind her voice. That feeling has stayed with me forever. 

I have lived 30 years ruining all of my friendships, feeling like I’m not worthy of love, but seeking overly  loving attention from anyone that will give it to me like it’s an IV drug. Every high is way too high. Every low is way too low. There’s never been any grey. I’ve always been too much and never understood why no one had the emotions that I had. I could get so excited over a piece of paper that I I could explode but hear one tiny criticism from my boss and feel like my whole life was over. 

It wasn’t until tonight that I scrolled post after post after post, sobbing into my couch knowing that other people feel this way and that what I’m feeling is real. 

The post about tofu hit me the hardest. 
“Tofu absorbs everything it’s marinated in. Every single interaction is my new career prospect, hobby, etc. The worst thing is, is tofu is disgusting when eaten by itself” 

I’m not sure where to go from here...... 
thanks for listening. 
