recently, one of my friends told me i tend to not take life seriously and i mean they aren’t wrong but it’s starting to make me seriously dissociate. i’ve been having problems in school this school year and it’s been tough for me to even step foot onto campus. everytime i do i feel like i’m being judged or i’m not doing what i’m supposed to or the expectations of everything just get into my head and i freeze up. i’m usually an honor roll student and this year i’m failing all of my classes since i’m not attending any of them. i try to do the work online but i just can’t understand it. i think this is where it all began. 

for the last week i’ve felt nothing but intense and strong emotions. whether i’m happy, sad, anxious, horny, embarrassed, etc it was entirely extreme and to a point where i didn’t like the feeling. i take lexapro as a prescribed medication and i have been slightly on and off with it recently. this week i had only taken it maybe once but before i had taken it probably for a month straight; maybe missing a day or two. i’ve been dealing with mental illness since i was about 11 years old and got help for it when i was 13ish. i’ve been through a lot for only being a minor. it’s been really tough and has made me mature a lot. i think this could be as to why i’m out of reality, because i’m tired of what i’m in right now.

in 2011, my parents had a car accident. neither of them died but my mom ended up being disabled for life, dealing with pain for the rest of her life and my father has back problems along with having to be her emotional support. they have a great relationship being the conditions they’ve suffered. but for me unfortunately, i lost my mom in the way of she would never be the same she was. she has had three neck surgeries, seeing her that way was well trauma inducing to someone who wasn’t even in middle school. at the time, i didn’t realize it. i thought this was normal, something every kid went through. and as i got older i realized, this is something serious, something i’ve dealt with my whole life that no one will ever really understand. 

you’re probably wondering, ‘why the hell did OP go back to 2011? what does this have relevance to the title?’ recently, september of 2021 my mother had a knee replacement surgery and that… that is something that changed me. thinking about it makes me tear up. i just couldn’t bare to have my mother go through another surgery, and for her to have her other knee undergo the same surgery within a year or two after? how can i deal with this. how can she deal with this? will this deteriorate everything? and i mean it didn’t deteriorate everything but it definitely took a toll on me. my own mother couldn’t even walk properly for about a month without a walker or assistance. she still can’t walk far without a cane. it’s so hard to see. i just want to wake up and hope that this is all some sick dream. but it’s not. it’s reality. and that’s why i don’t take it seriously. because i can’t handle the truth. i can’t handle the fact that my mom can’t walk the grocery store without being in pain. i can’t handle the fact she can’t work. i can’t handle the fact she can barely cook. i can’t handle the fact she can’t do anything a normal person can. it’s so hard. 

because of this surgery, i haven’t been to school because i just get too anxious about what’s surrounding me and what could be going on at home. from sept 2021 to april 2022 (when this has been posted) i have been in a daze. i played games. day and night. i played them for hours, indulged myself into them. i tried to forget everything, everything from my life that was happening. i would wake up and play my stupid games. and then go to bed once i was tired. and repeat for several months. soon enough i was put into a group. it didn’t really help. i had horrible eating habits, my sleep schedule was horrible, my feelings were pushed down into a box and pretending like nothing was happening. i shoved away reality. i shoved away my friends as well. they are still with me luckily, as they know i’m going through a lot and don’t mean to be ignorant. 

the reason i’m writing this post is due to the fact that yesterday, i was at a volleyball game. i was supporting my friend who was a manager for the team. i would suddenly just go blank, stare out into space and be left with my thoughts, not sure of my surroundings. it was a dangerous feeling. i didn’t like it. i hadn’t experienced it that bad. it was something i never wanted to experience again. i was trapped, trapped in my thoughts. i didn’t like that. my friend noticed and snapped me back into the moment. we make this joke about how i need a reality check because well, i do. but in that instance, i really did. i’m starting to question everything. myself, my friends, my family, anything you could think of i just don’t think is real. i feel like this is just some fever dream. i don’t feel like i’m real or anything is real. i don’t like it. it makes me want to throw up. i don’t know what to do about it.