I have trauma from childhood, and adulthood relating to my perceived intelligence. I otherthink relatively simple tasks, like my morning routine, specifically how could I optimize the order in which I perform tasks and maneuvers in order to get ready the fastest way possible, if I make a miscalculation I call myself an idiot (But then remind myself these tasks mean virtually nothing about my intelligence). 

I have distant memories from childhood which snowballed my anxiety into what it is now. In middle school I was in a math class 1 grade higher than mine, and in 7th grade, I ended up failing out the class. It was really traumatic for me, my mom made me read emails about my failing grade from my teacher, I remember trying to catch up but it was ultimately too late for me to catch up again. I remember I failed because I was always daydreaming in class and drawing all over my notes when I needed to focus on math. I remember feeling shame because I got kicked out of the class a week before this other kid who failed the class for accidental placement was removed too. After that I got moved back to my grade level in math had to take a quiz the 2nd day in it, which I failed because I didn't remember the learning material. The teacher didn't let me make it up because it was stuff I "should have already known" even though I'm now 20, thinking back on it I feel like a failure and that intelligence is just an inherent genetic trait I was just not born with. 

In college I got extremely depressed and got put on academic probation for having a 1.7 gpa, but I am working on fixing it at community College, I also just earned my AA. I know I'm not "stupid" but i always feel like a chunk of my brain is missing, and I'm not as smart as everyone else. Maybe its my narcissist God complex issues talking, and making me feel bad for not knowing everything. 

People are so intelligent, they can engineer rockets, build ai computers, and do long division. 

I can't do any of those things, and I hate myself for trying, or even wanting to try, I just wish I could be smarter so that I'd be more useful for society. Its both weirdly specific and vague, but that's part of what fuels my anxiety. 

Technology has advanced so much in the short lifetime I've lived. I feel so distant from this future thats ever so present in my daily life. I don't know how my phone works, how it just magically has touchscreen capabilities, and can display images and videos with the click of a screen. I admire science so much it makes me wanna cry, but I'm so terrible at math it feels like it's impossible to even go for it. 

I failed precalculus in college, and retook it with a B-. I don't exactly find joy in make, it actually makes me sweat profusely, and gives me extreme anxiety depending on how much I dont understand the problem. Im so embarrassed. 

I've decided to become an art + history major, to teach English abroad. So there's no reason really to learn math or coding, but I understand how lucrative it is to the function of our society.. I feel so useless without it. 

I have a hard time processing information unless I'm really interested in it. If there's a certain topic I love (e.g. history) I could talk about it forever. 

I try researching neuroscience articles on how to increase neuroplasticity, I feel so empty. 
I feel like a dumbass for not knowing how political structures and events effect history. 

When I do try to teach myself these new things I forget them instantly. It feels like I'm missing a part of my brain. 

How do I help myself out of this situation and also become smarter in the process? 

Is intelligence even real anyways. Sigh. This is what I get for living in society