I'm not even sad right now, im just overwhelmed for no apparent reason. I want to cry, i want to self harm but there is no reason to do so. I have these episodes of depression. When i am so depressed I can't even get up to go to use the restroom until my bladder hurts. I just lay in my bed, trying to sleep everything away. I don't eat or do anything at all. These episodes last for a couple of months (this year it lasted 5 months) Then we have the time when i eventually start getting better (which is now) I'm okay, not happy but doing okay. I have energy to do stuff, i can smile without an effort etc. All I'm longing for right now is to go back to that depressive state. No matter how bad i feel in that it still has comfort to it. I can only wish for it until i go back into that state again. Which is also after a couple of months. This has been happening to me since these last 4 years. I don't think this is bipolar disorder because I don't think im experiencing mania but whatever this is i hate being okay. I want to be depressed again.