DAE worry about never finding love/getting married? Please read

I’ve never viewed marriage or having a family as the pinnacle of life, and I come from a religious background so as a woman I was led to believe that marriage and motherhood is the highest calling a woman can have. While I think it is beautiful and definitely an amazing and incredibly hard thing, I just never viewed it as attainable for myself. 

My brother told me he fears I’ll never get married bc I’m “a lot to handle” which really bummed me out. I would like to have a life partner, sure. I want to have a home and share my days with someone, I think everybody wants that to some degree. However, the up and down of my emotions and my own swirling insecurities looks around at all the girls my age in long term relationships and getting engaged left and right and I feel as though I’m getting left behind. 

I don’t ever see someone looking at me and being like “wow, I want to spend my life with this woman,” and I’m trying to be okay with that. I don’t even browse wedding pictures or look at dresses for fun because I don’t want to entertain an unrealistic fantasy.

I have terrible anxiety, and once I have a thought in my head, it’s almost impossible for me to get it out, no matter how bizarre the scenario. My emotions get the best of me, and I get attached to people and when they leave it’s like a terrible ache. I hate that about me. My fear of abandonment plagues me, and my insecurity guides my days. 

I don’t know, I just sometimes envy the girls who get to hear the love of their life say their full name on bended knee asking them to marry them.

I’m happy for those girls, I genuinely am, but I never see that girl being me.

TDLR: fears of not being good enough to get married, anxiety too much to handle