I was just diagnosed with BPD this week, after a lifetime of a vague depression diagnosis that never really felt like enough. I'm really struggling with this and no one understands so here I am. 

I'm 26 and haven't done anything with my pathetic fucking life. I graduated high school but I've dropped out of college more times than I can count. I don't do well in school and just couldn't stick with it. 

I don't have a job and haven't since I was 16. I've been living off of a trust that was left to me and now it's almost gone because I pissed my life away. I was also impulsive and blew money on ridiculous shit. 

I dug myself this grave that's like 10 miles deep and it feels like it's too late to pull myself out. 

I've self harmed since I was 12, but I've done it a lot less as an adult. Until last week, when I lost my shit and cut my leg like 40 times with a utility blade. And then another 15 or so the next night. 

It doesn't matter how much I pretend to like myself. How much I pretend to believe I deserve to be treated well. At my core, I fucking hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I even hate my good qualities because I feel in extremes and love so hard that it just pushes people away. 

I'm just such a useless piece of shit. A burden to everyone unfortunate enough to love me. A waste of fucking space. 