I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal anxiety, I get afraid that it crosses too much into paranoia and delusion. I create made up scenarios in my head constantly and they consume me. I can’t think of people in my life without thinking of something horrible happening. When I think of my dad, I think of him getting killed in some freak accident, when I think of my sister, I think of her getting murdered or killed in some horrible way. I avoid friends because I feel guilty that they associate with me, and I genuinely feel bad that they are friends with me, even my boyfriend of 4 years I feel bad that he has to be my boyfriend.
For example, my friend had asked me to help on a project with him, but I feel hesitant to because I think that I will be poison on the project. Like if other people see that I had any involvement in the project, it will somehow ruin his career. 
I’m afraid of pursuing anything because I think the moment I get success, I will be murdered or cancelled.
I don’t know why I feel like this all the time. It’s becoming too much. It feels like I’m too afraid exist. I can’t afford therapy but every time I think that I can fix it on my own it gets worse. I don’t know how to cope with it.