Music is everything to me. When my emotions are so intense I can’t handle it anymore, I crank up Linkin Park and find something to do. It lets me express everything I can’t find the words to say. I often watch life situations in front of me play out to a song. This is how I cope. 

As I was cleaning this morning and listening to YouTube on my TV, ‘Leave out all the Rest’ came on and I could only sit and watch the video. And guys, I cried. 

Chester Bennington must have struggled with suicide his whole life and he cried out for so many people to help him, but unfortunately, no one was there enough. 

My BPD often leaves me craving more of everything; I can never get enough. I get fed up and overwhelmed and I shut down and sleep for days, stop cleaning, keep the windows drawn and cease to exist for a while. In the last year, I’ve struggled with suicide. I’ve had two attempts so far in the last 6 months. Even as I type, my situation becomes more real to me. 

I think the light is coming into view. When it feels like everything is lost and you just want to extinguish your light, make it burn brighter. Your life matters. I love you and you are never alone. Not for one second. Have hope guys, I still struggle but right now I see strength in my resolve to fight this. 

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a madman. Y’all have a good one. 