Bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression all run in my family. I am reflecting on the past year or my journal entries. I don’t drink a lot, at all. But when I do, I drink to the point of blacking out, on accident. It’s happened 3 or 4 times this year. Had a night out and drank way too much, had panic attacks and irrational thoughts while drunk. Woke up the next day not remembering any of it, then 12-24 hours the depression episode hit me. I go through a week with a feeling of impending doom, paranoia, depression not being able to stop crying and confusion. I slowly get “memories” from the night and am not able to differentiate if these events actually happened. I fully believe that they happen until I have brought up a couple things to people and they say it never happened. These so called memories are the most embarrassing things and my worst nightmare. For ex I recently was convinced I took off all my clothes in front of 3 of my friends. My friends say it didn’t happen. So therefore I must have dreamt it and mistaken this for an actual memory? Bc this night I smoked a lot of weed too. These memories feel so real as if I’m just getting my memory back from the drunk blackout night. I don’t understand how my brain is making up these complex of memories for them to feel so real. It takes me a week or two to recover from these nights. I am worried I am experiencing delusional thoughts every time I overdrink.