I'm not really sure if anybody feels like this but me.

I've been having bpd for many years, but there is a thing that i started to notice after pandemic, and I dont know it is one of the effects of BPD or is it just me...

My problem is, I try to avoid as much as possible from friends -one is even my bestfriend- who are having a great life (greater than me, I think). To explain, I always knew that my life has never been very interesting or colorful, expect from summers and my long England trip. I have an ordinary life with ordinary stories, nothing exceptional. Yet, this realization started to really bother me since beginning of the pandemic. (bc my life got even duller w pandemic).

So, I created an urge that trying to avoid as much as possible from my very bestfriends. (who is so beautiful and live a fabulous life with full of amazing people/friends or who is an influencer and \*\*likewise\*\* having an amazing life). It is not because I don't like them, I really do, however, I realized, whenever I get in touch with them, it just makes me so sad afterwards. I feel like desperate and depressive, and I spend my time thinking "why am I not beautiful, or why my life is too boring, or why I dont have those kind of friendships" etc etc... When they want to call me or meet me, I try to find excuses most of the time.. (just for the sake of not knowing anything could make me sad about their updates)

Like I said, I really love my friends, and I dont get jealous in a bad way. I do not want them to have bad lifes. Yet, I envy them and I notice that when I hear their stories I could not let go of my depressive thoughts for a while. Do you think this is because of BPD? or am I the odd one? and what would you advice to me to get over it :( ?