Now, I have not talked to my parents about this, but I overheard them talking bad about others' suicidal/depressive thoughts. When I say 'bad' I mean they say stuff like "fucking snowflakes" or "no one cares about psychos" or "they deserve it", and that makes me think I might be just trying to find an excuse to be lazy. 

I'm about to fail school because of being lazy, and that's totally my fault. I can't deny that. I could've worked harder, I chose not to. They've always been trying to make me work harder, but I really needed some rest and, as they never checked if I was actually working, I just didn't do anything. And now I'm gonna be expelled from school because I did barely any homework this year, and failed almost all the tests. 

This might sound like a very bad excuse, but I just can't focus on things, I don't understand anything, I can read the same paragraph thrice and have no idea what it was about, I don't know why. I just can't get a single thing right. I can't even do the dishes, because I know I'll definitely break something (I broke two teapots this year). I can't cook without burning everything. And when I get expelled my parents will know I'm a complete failure. I don't to burden them, but I can't do anything about myself. Believe me, I tried. I just can't get out of my bed and work, and even if I manage to, I'll go back to the bed again after two minutes of working because I don't understand anything, i don't know what I'm supposed to do and how.

And now I don't have any hobbies, not even video games and music can distract me. I distanced from my friends, because I feel I'm annoying to them, they're so much better in everything, and I can do nothing. 

And I feel like my parents make me think I'm just being dramatic or something. They're very good people, but their opinions on mental illness make me feel insecure. I don't understand my own brain now. I'm not sure if this even fits here. I don't have anyone who could help, and I'm starting to think about suicide. I don't want my family to be disappointed in me. I just want to be normal. I'm crying now. Am I really that bad?

And I'm sorry if this text didn't make much sense, I'm bad at expressing emotions through text.