Apologies in advance for any misspellings/grammatical errors, English isn't my native language.   
CW/TW: s\*lf h\*rm, s\*icide.  


Also, please let me know if this isn't allowed, I just need to get my thoughts out right now, they're kind of all over the place, if any of you have experience with these things, please tell me how you cope.. I'm so lost. 

Long story short;   
Met this person  two years ago through a mutual friend, we clicked instantly. The 3 of us  started hanging out every single day, we'd get ready together, arrive  at parties together, leave parties together, have sleepovers almost  every day and etc.   


The "new" person and I grew super close, and  they're the first person I ever told I love. They became like,  everything to me, I couldn't go a day without talking to them, we  started hanging out without our mutual friend, and then the sexual  tension came, hurray. We slept together a few times, which only made my  growing obsession with them way more intense and worse, as my mental  health spiralled, so did theirs, I'll gladly admit that both of us have  done toxic things to each other, but I sincerely don't think there's  ever been any ill intention behind it.   


They're my favourite  person in the world, but we have fucked each other over to the point of  s\*lf h\*rm and closed psych units for me.   
They started distancing  themself from me, we didn't speak for a month, then we hung out for the  first time in said month, ended up doing drugs together and sleeping  together again twice, then we went back to not fucking talking.   


I  blocked them last month because I had an episode and really needed  them, but they dismissed it like they've been doing for the past 4  months, and I had enough.   


We're going to a festival on Tuesday  next week with all of our mutual friends, and I'm fucking terrified. The  thought of seeing them again without having a conversation about what  we both need, feel, and want makes me want to kill myself, literally.   


I  fucking hate what I've become, I hate being SO obsessed with another  person that I can't eat or sleep when they're not holding me or talking  to me, I'm insanely jealous of everyone they talk about, I crave their  physical touch every single night because I can't SLEEP without them  near me unless I take my sleeping meds. I hate them so much, but I love  them more, and that is what makes this worse.    
 

I feel like no one truly understands how hard I love, how intense and  unstable my emotions are, and how I can go from pure happiness when they  respond to my text, to feeling suicidal when they don't.   
I feel so  alone in this, I've pushed the person I love the most away because I'm  too mentally fucking ill to behave like a normal person.   


And I'm  so scared that I hurt them because I lash out when I'm scared I'll get  left behind, I'm terrified of being alone, and because of my own fucking  actions I am alone, isolated and lonely. I just want them back in my  life. I want a healthy friendship with them, that's all I need to feel  happy again.   


No one compares to this person, I'm convinced  they're the best person on this entire shitty planet. I want them back, **I  NEED them in my life to survive.**    
 I know my obsession with them is  selfish in the long run, and I know I've been equally as toxic as they  have. I'm not trying to victimize myself, I just need my thoughts  written out, and right now they're all over the place.   


I love them, but I'm so angry with them.   
I've  ALWAYS been there for them, let them sleep at my place when they needed  it, spooned them as tightly as humanly possible when they needed it,  helped them with past relationship issues, supported them in changing  schools, and encouraged them to get professional help. I've loved them  since the day I fucking met them.   


And now I get nothing in  return, when they lied to me and I got admitted to the closed unit, they  didn't even want to come to visit me. When I told them I was on the  brink of suicide and needed to be held and hugged, they told me they  "can't tonight" because they prioritised literally fucking their  ex-girlfriend.   


They once told me they'd never leave me. We were planning on moving IN together!   
I  don't trust anyone now, they broke me completely, I put my all into one  person and I got nothing in return - And the worst part is that I know  for a fact I'll come running the moment they decide they need me again,  because I'm that fucking weak, and I love them that fucking much that  I'm willing to let them fuck me over time after time.   


We're not good for each other. I just hope we can both heal and reconnect when we're ready.