cw: mention of self harm

I feel stupid for being so affected, but I thought folks here might understand.

I'm a reporter. I've worked at my newspaper for just shy of 4 years. in the last year, I've taken on a lot of responsibilities, including a new beat (crime) where I had no prior experience.

it's a demanding, high-stress job. to be completely honest, it's traumatizing (learning graphic details of sex crimes, child abuse, murders, etc on a weekly basis). I do my best. and honestly -- my best is pretty good. but it's hard on me.

at my newspaper, they make a pretty big deal out of the "employee of the month." the whole office attends a big meeting where the publisher makes the announcement, followed by a company-wide email. it's a whole thing.

this time, like always, the publisher gave his spiel about the honoree without using their name. but he made it clear the person was a woman who works in my department. there are just 3 of us, and one was honored a few months ago, which meant there were only two possibilities.

he praised the honoree's attention to detail and commitment to the work. he said it was a rare day not to see her byline on the front page.

and I thought, "oh my god -- he's talking about me. it's me."

ha. no.

he was actually talking about my coworker, the recent college grad who's worked here less than a year and talks openly about how she doesn't plan to stick around long-term. she's a weak writer; most of her stories have to be rewritten top to bottom. she also takes credit for work she didn't do.

but. y'know. employee of the month.

the publisher gushed about her. went on and on about how incredible she is. said they've wanted to give her the honor for about 6 months (meaning they started talking about it when she'd only been here 4 months or so).

I don't understand what happened.

I smiled and clapped and congratulated her. then I went in the bathroom, locked myself in a stall and cried. and then I washed my face and went back to work.

I got through the rest of the day.

at home, I spiraled. I'm still spiraling. I feel worthless. disgusting. stupid. I can't believe I ever thought it was me. it could never be me.

you know what's really stupid? it would've meant the world to me to be the freaking employee of the month. I've wanted it for years -- I guess because I don't feel valued at work, or like my contributions are meaningful, and I want that validation.

what a joke, right?

I haven't been this upset and overwhelmed in a long time. hurting myself usually gives me some relief, but not this time.

I don't understand what's wrong with me. nothing I do matters. it's not enough. I'm not enough. I feel like a fake person. like I don't really exist.

I know I'm overreacting. I know I'm acting like a maniac. nobody else would get this upset over a stupid office award. I know I'm a loser. I don't want to be like this. I want to be normal. I don't know what to do. I want to disappear. I want to stop bothering everyone. I want to stop being an embarrassment. I want everything to stop.