The last few months have been hell. My old fp was well... let’s just say abusive in all the ways you can imagine. But me being me I put up with it. But a few months ago they just cut me off without saying anything. I almost ended up in the hospital again. But eventually I met my new fp and it was like all that shit was gone. He was like perfect to me. He made me feel like I didn’t deserve any of the bad shit that had happened with old fp, even though I had felt like I had deserved all the pain I had went through. He made me feel like I actually fucking had a reason to get out of bed when I really had none. I looked forward to talking to him every day. But now I feel like he doesn’t want anything to do with me and I’m fucking scared. He keeps promising stuff that doesn’t happen. I’m trying so hard to just not care. I know I’m not a real friend of his so it doesn’t matter, and I won’t show him it hurts either. But at the same time it’s like if you don’t want to do something, don’t promise me you will only to just get drunk with your friends . That’s another thing too, he always talks about them and it just hurts because I really want to be close to him, but I know I’m nothing but just a good fuck. That’s it. But it’s like he doesn’t even care about that anymore either. So now all the shit is coming back and I’ve been lying in bed crying and having panic attacks left and right for the past 2 days. I’ve sh’d multiple times and I’m so mad at myself for doing it, but I legit feel like I’m going crazy and I just don’t know what to do. I hate that one person can have that much power over me. I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for not starting to go back to my old ED ways. I just want to fucking be happy and have someone like him. He makes me so fucking happy when we’re together. He’s so funny and I just forget the shit. But then when I’m away I’m just reminded I’m nothing but a dumb fucking bitch. I just want to go to sleep forever tbh