I've tried being positive, gaslighting myself into not acknowledging anything thats even the smallest bit negative but I can't fucking do it anymore. I'm sick and tired, nothing has changed and I'm starting to think it never will.

I'm so fucking upset and lonely, angry at the fact that im so upset and lonley then feeling lonely because im upset and angry. It's a never ending cycle of having to interact with people who have everything I don't and pretending as if that's gonna be me one day when it won't be, and deep down i know fucking well it'll never be me. 

I'll never have friends, go out to parties or have spontaneous outings. I'll never find the love of my life or anyone to even view me in a positive light without being fuelled by pity. I'm fucking jealous. Why not me? Why the fuck does everyone else and their fucking mothers get to be happy and not me? Fuck what did i do to deserve this. It's like all I can do is shake my fist at the sun and wallow in my own self pity while continuing to comfort those around me who insist that they're having a tough time. 

I understand everyones fighting their own battles, fuck I am right now, but it's so fucking exhausting having to see people online or around you who have everything you could ever want complain and complain about the most minuscule shit that they'll overcome in the next few hours. 

Yeah I'm a piece of miserable shit who doesn't want anybody to be happy, I want everyone to feel what I feel. Fuck this positive self improvement bullshit, I'll go backwards for all I care.