Between severe depression, severe GAD, panic disorder, adult ADHD, and autoimmune illness, I have extreme trouble ever actually getting anything done.  I actually cannot remember the last time I was able to cross an item off my ever-growing to-do list.  I have extreme depressive episodes in which I can't seem to muster the motivation to do anything, and it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed to go to the bathroom.  The weight of all my tasks, of my unreached goals and unfulfilled dreams is crushing, and causes anxiety and panic to completely spin out of control, which isn't great for motivation, either.  On my good days, the days I actually feel like I can get up and face the world, the days I have actual motivation and want to work on getting shit in order, I *still* don't get anything done, because I just don't even know where to begin.  It seems like all the things I have to do require me to do something else, first. I begin working on one project or task, but very quickly drop it and pick up a different one, because I feel as though I will surely not remember where I wanted to go with an idea, unless I flesh it out enough that it has begun to take form, so that I can remember the vision I had for it at a glance.  My mind flits from idea to idea and task to task in a chaotic, disorganized manner, and at an almost manic pace.  I have halfway-begun products for my etsy store filling the drawers of my crafting cart to the point that they are difficult to open and close.  My hard drive is overloaded with the beginnings of articles, blog posts, and stories.  I frequently trip over piles of things I have dug out of closets, cabinets, or drawers with the unmet intention of going through the stuff and organizing it.

I don't know if the purpose of posting this is to ask for advice or just vent or what.  I guess it's just venting, because I already know what I need to do to start getting shit in order, I just haven't managed to face the fucking monumental task of picking up the phone and making a doctor's appointment, then facing the potentially months-long wait for the actual appointment.  Or, I'll make the appointment, then get overwhelmed about going on the day, and so I just ... don't.  It's like I get stuck in place, and even when I know something is going to make me feel better, or it's something fun that I'll enjoy, I feel like there is a force field keeping me in place, impeding me from being the person I know I could be, living the life I know I could have.  I am existentially exhausted.