UGH, for the past week I've been easing off another hobby like I do and I have this incredible urge to do ten things at once again so what do I do? I sit here staring at the wall for hours because I *cant* do ten things at once. 

I want to decorate my house, paint the walls, try watercolour pens, need to buy my friends' birthday presents, need to find a local gym but the one I like is in a shady area and I would be going alone, God I need money, oh but I don't have money for that one thing but maybe if I sit for hours browsing I can find it for cheaper and so this DIY...

My house is... A giant unfinished asshole junior high art project and idk what I even bother. I went on this rampage and rave about redoing the flat and painting everything... Nope, not only did I not finish painting the bathroom, my living room looks like I'm insane with all the swatches. There's hobby crap EVERYWHERE and for me to even THINK that I could decorate the walls without my constant "oh that would be cool" "oh no wait i like that better". 

I literally end up doing NOTHING because I cant CHOOSE what the fuck to focus on. This entire damn week I've been so out of it that I can't even SIT and watch one show because GOD FORBID I finish Golden Girls when I suddenly have a pang to rewatch Seinfeld for the 50th time. 

I went on this mental run of maybe I have ADHD PLUS BPD for a whole day and you know what I learned??? NOTHING. I can't diagnose myself! But I also can't afford a doctor! Then I moved onto okay I really gotta find a gym, I'm so fat and ugly I gotta do something about it.

I can't PICK a gym though because I need to do classes, no wait I need a trainer, no WAIT i don't like that gym because there are only super thin white women in the brochures...

ONLINE SHOPPING! Gotta find a present... But man that would be cute, I can make it into a mural if I put it up and if I buy this... No I can't buy that I don't have the money... Add to cart... 

I'll never buy it. i promise you I WON'T because I have this big anxiety with not spending a cent on myself without permission (in a way, it's good). Even if someone hands me $50 and tells me to just GO FOR IT, I'll panic and just fiddle around and never spend it. I LITERALLY HAVE A GOVERNMENT CHECK I HAVENT BOTHERED PUTTING INTO MY ACCOUNT.

A month ago we were damn near homeless and this is who I am.

Help me, God.

I'm not even gonna talk about the laborious task of me attempting to make dinner. 

I'm so tired and I haven't even done anything but mental cartwheels. 

Literally *over myself*.