I'm so angry, at myself, at my family, at my bf, at the world. One little thing and my entire day is ruined by being angry, intrusive thoughts, just an endless cycle of mental and emotional exhaustion. I'm in a ldr for a little over six years. We see each other one night on the weekends and barely message throughout the week. I didn't meet his family or friends or was even at his house until 5.5 years in. 

This has honestly been the most taxing relationship I have ever had. He is an amazing man, never unkind, always respects me, supports me, he actually loves me. But he has Aspergers and I overwhelm him severely. So over the years I've been repressing all of the fear of abandonment, all of the fear of rejection, all of the feeling lonely, all of the crazy. You know the kinda crazy, the one that sets in with vengeance and you break down. I keep it all bottled inside because I don't want to lose him. He told me last weekend he was proud of me because I started therapy and making changes in my life. That meant the world to me because no one has ever told me they were proud of me and actually sounded sincere. 

I'm tired of being so fucked in the head all the time. He is one of the best things that's ever happened to me and I'm going to fuck it up. I've been laying here all day, angry, crying because he's not going to spend the night this weekend but will come see me for a few hours. And I know it's totally irrational to be this upset over something so little. But the fear that he's distancing himself won't get out of my head. 

I've never had such a positive influence in my life. He brings me a peace I've never had before. I know I'm very intense and emotional. That's extremely overwhelming to him. I try very hard not to overwhelm him, give him space to decompress, keep my crazy in check. I want to tell him everything, all of the deepest darkest parts of myself, and I can't. I have to keep those impenetrable walls, keep him at arms length,  because he would not be able to deal with it. The one person in the world that makes me feel safe enough to want to share these things with, I can't.

BPD is utter bullshit. I'm tired of being angry. It's not even a normal angry, it's a deep deep burning anger I feel in my soul. One little thing triggers it and then I'm stuck feeling it and every other emotion that my brain decides to throw at me a mile a minute. Just grr!!!