I know this isn’t therapy and maybe there is a better place for this but I can feel myself spiraling quickly and I’m not armed with medication or great coping mechanisms (made a psych and therapy appointment next week). 

Been in a relationship for two years. Boyfriend is pretty wonderful. This post is obviously in crisis/spiral mode so It’s hard to focus on those wonderful things - but he truly is and this post won’t make it seem that way. 

There are some shortcomings that he needs to work on, that I know are not me being dramatic/stemming from my BPD. These include irresponsible drinking habits - like when we were in a foreign very dangerous country for work and he stayed out all drinking (I went back to hotel tired) and didn’t come home, didn’t answer my phone calls. I was up all night worried sick. Terrified either that he was dead, hurt, in jail, or fucking someone else. I didn’t sleep. He didn’t end up answering his phone until about noon the next day. 

He was so shaken. Like even my spiraling mind could/can hear the honesty in his voice. He got black out drunk and couldn’t find the hotel/remember the address. Someone on the street helped him and paid for a shitty motel or something. He was so incredibly contrite and apologetic that I actually believe him but that left an imprint on my heart and my abandonment issues so deep that I’ve never forgotten about it or forgiven him. 

Then a year-ish later he was at a work conference in our city, staying at local hotel. It was a weeknight and he needed to be awake early the next day for work. Since the conference had just started he was super excited about meeting new people or whatever so he starts socializing - ends up staying out drinking until 4am. He didn’t answer my calls so I start having flash backs to the first time this happened. I freak out. I show up at his hotel room. He strolls in at 430 wasted. Semi apologizes. Ends up being late for work the next day. 

These instances, paired with me learning more about BPD, attachment theory, etc. made for some long talks where I admitted that I cannot forget it forgive him for that night in the foreign country because it felt like abandonment and it so deeply hurt me. The conference felt like a repeat of that and perhaps worse because he knew how I felt about it. 

So this week he prepared to leave for another conference several states away. I tried very hard to remain “normal”. I wanted to take this time apart to have some “me” time. Self care. Individual hobbies. Quiet time. I didn’t even really want to talk to him while he was gone more than some pleasantries so I wouldn’t get consumed with what he was doing. I also calmly explained that it’s unacceptable for him to be out drinking with or without coworkers when he has work the next day. And quite frankly even if he didn’t have work, were 30 - grow up. 

So after a couple of texts yesterday I said “going to bed, enjoy Baltimore!” and went to bed. 

I woke up at 7am to see several innocuous drunk texts from him and a phone call - all at 5am. 

Obvious spiral starting. Called him, no answer. Texted him, no answer. Called the hotel room, no answer. Emailed him, no answer.

Can anyone help me 
1. figure out how to remain calm 
2. how much of this is valid to be upset at? 
3. If it’s valid, how do I get it across that this is unacceptable to me? 

I haven’t heard from him and I am starting to go off the deep end. Is he dead? Is he face first in some girls vagina? 

What do I do? Stay calm and quiet ? Because I’d rather just start calling his coworkers.