Long story so apologies in advance.

I had a pretty difficult childhood- grew up in a cult and had an emotionally abusive step dad, so I’ve always chalked up my issues to childhood traumas. I started noticing more of my moods during my teenage years. Around 15-17 I dated my first boyfriend and if I’m honest I know I was the cause of our breakup. We had a routine of talking for hours every day on the phone and some nights I picked fights while other nights I would just cry and when he would ask why I didn’t have a good answer. I just knew I felt a LOT. Eventually he got tired of the up’s and downs and we broke up. That hit me hard- I went into my first ever depression at the age of 17 and it lasted over 6 months. I was truly wrecked and felt utterly hopeless. 

The next few relationships in my life followed a similar pattern. I would typically feel great at the beginning of a new relationship and before long I would start focusing on random things and blowing small issues into huge problems. I would go zero to a hundred real quick, and many times I would storm off, slam doors, threaten to breakup with them, sometimes even actually breakup- all to wake up the next day or the day after and feel shame and remorse. I would apologize and feel like a terrible person. I met my now husband in 2018 and he let me know early on he was not playing these games with me. So Finally in 2019 I started attending therapy, with the purpose of being a better and less reactive partner. The waves of depression still came and went during all these years, but I would call them “funks” because most listed a couple of weeks to a month or two max. I really didn’t even identify what was going on as depression. My therapist helped me work on a lot of issues through trauma therapy- EMDR, hypnosis, etc. He never mentioned he suspected bipolar in our 7 months working together. 

Right before the pandemic I went to see a psychiatrist. I went with an agenda- I wanted adderall because I noticed attention deficit problems in myself and the one time I had taken one before I felt euphoric and hyper focused. I thought it was awesome. (I realize that’s a sign of mania but it’s medically induced so doesn’t count?) anyway, this psychiatrist told me he would NOT be prescribing the adderall because he thought I was bipolar, and proceeded to give me mood stabilizers. I left this appointment very upset and felt extremely dismissed. I felt like the guy spoke to me for 5 mins and decided he knew me better than I knew myself and even said how irresponsible it was for him to be sending me home with these pills. I never took them. Fast forward to a month ago- I started a new job and felt very overwhelmed and stressed, and within a few weeks I found myself in a very dark place. I knew I was extremely depressed so with the encouragement of friends and my husband I saw a therapist, who referred me to a psychiatrist again. This time it was someone who took the time to listen and ask lots of questions. And she too diagnosed me with bipolar type 2. I am now taking Lamictal and Seroquel. 

I guess my issue with the diagnosis is my hypomania is not like the one I’ve seen documented on YouTube or described in many blogs. Yes, I experience periods of intense productivity and feeling great. Yes, I do suffer from periods of insomnia that usually last for 7-14 days at a time, but I don’t actually feel amazing while not sleeping. I just feel tired and I know deep down I need to rest. My body can feel it. My lows also aren’t so bad that I become suicidal. I too Zoloft once years ago and had to get off it asap because it made me very suicidal- that was the one and only time I’ve felt that way. Maybe I exaggerated my symptoms to the doctor? Maybe they’re worn? am I taking these meds for no reason? I just don’t FEEL bipolar. I feel misunderstood. 

TLDR: childhood trauma makes me feel like my issues are not bipolar, but rather just things I need to work though and I don’t meet the criteria for BP 2. Questioning if I even am?