(ED trigger warning)

I try not to weigh myself frequently. I should really throw away my scale but I don't have it in me. Today I had to go to the clinic and they weighed me. I looked away when they did it. And I felt proud of myself for managing to avoid it. Then I accidentally saw the number on the after care plan printout and I instantly had to weigh myself again. I can't stop freaking out about it.

I have been making sure I am eating and sticking to the meal plans I make since late August. I weigh 5 pounds more than I want to and I don't want that to end up being more in time when that's already way too much for me. I weigh 15 pounds more than the number I was constantly told I should weigh growing up.

I made a nice meal for myself in the crockpot and I was looking forward to eating it. I don't know if I can avoid purging afterwards. And I know it probably wouldn't be a one time thing. I want to keep doing it again until that number goes down. At least a couple weeks...