I keep imagining that someone is watching me through my eyes. When I go to the bathroom, I try not to look down when using it and I look in the mirror as little as I can so that they can't see my face. Sometimes I talk to myself about things I like, briefly, hoping that they have similar interests. I'm not seeing or hearing things. I also feel like I'm better than a lot of people, I'm very socially anxious, I just can't talk to people, I feel out of touch. The couple friends I have, I just say a lot of stuff on the spot and hope some of it comes off as funny or something. At work, I hate every time someone asks me "How are you?" and since I have no idea what else to say, I just respond "Good, how are you?" I feel like a robot, and I wish they'd stop asking me the same question. The last thing I'm able to do is approach someone and try talking to them. What if they ignore or dismiss me? Every time someone ignores or dismisses me I wish that they would somehow die later that day. That would make me feel better. It happened at work and I just told myself "He's working at a restaurant at like ,50 years old, what a sad, unaccomplished life, I'm going to turn out much better when I'm older." Though with my horrible speaking ability I'm not so sure. It isn't stuttering, I just bore anyone who talks to me.

I don't have any will to speak to a doctor. I'd be embarrassed if they tell me that I don't have anything wrong with me and that I wasted so much of my time trying to get results, it's their job so their time isn't my problem, arrogant as that sounds I can't help but see things that way. The way I see myself and the world are the correct way as far as I'm concerned. I just want to vent to something about it, not someone who would either brush me off or start to worry about me. The only help I want is to not be such a horrendous talker. Since it's against the rules, I'm not asking for a diagnosis, if you want to try go ahead, but I guess I just want to let out everything on my mind. Maybe I'm just tricking myself into thinking I'm different because I want to be, at this point I don't know.

I'm 15 years old, male. I live in the United States. That is all I will say regarding that.

edit: also, I have no wish to harm myself, I place myself above everyone else, there are others I wish I could harm, more daily, but I won't, don't worry, I'm not a psychopath and I don't want to go to prison.

edit 2: forgot to mention: most of my emotion on the outside is a blank, bored stare. I'd be great at poker if it wasn't a shitty, boring game. If someone is going to tell me a joke, I get very anxious because I know I'm going to have to try to fake laugh, which I'm very bad at.