I [24f] had an indefinable episode of despair in front of my so [22m] today (again). It's hard to explain stuff out of context and without the whole mental issue history, because I feel like everything is connected, but I'll try anyway. So the semester started 3 weeks ago and I haven't done any homework that's been piling up since, despite the big amount of time I have for it. I switched major and school last year, because I couldn't deal with the lectures and the elite classmates who made me feel like shit. They didn't do anything deliberately, it was me who made myself feel like shit among them. Anyway, my current major is much more interesting and much easier and I really want to excel in it, but I can't find motivation and it's so frustrating. I've been procrastinating and delaying work for weeks and since they closed school yeasterday because of the virus, I told myself that today is the day I slowly (I sensibly set up one small goal) start doing something. Well, it turned out that I wasn't able to focus even on the smallest things and all that sadness and anger from the lack of interest in the past weeks escalated into me starting acting out crazy. First of all I am unable to leave the room. If I didn't have to pee all the time and didn't hate the feeling of having to pee, I wouldn't go until it would be absolutely necessary. I don't want to go outside for a cigarette either, it takes too much effort. So I'm in the room with my bf, shifting from bed to chair, not able to do anything productive, only trembling and shaking my limbs aggressively. My bf is trying to hug me, to comfort me, but even though I crave his attention, I hate his attention. So I start shaking more and more and shifting myself towards the ground because it makes me feel so good to lie there, but he starts pulling me up and I start fighting and crying and I want him to leave me be. I want to smash around myself so bad, the only reason I don't do it is that the consequences tend to be visible and I just can't afford that. So I lie there absolutely desperate with no prospect of getting better. What is wrong with me in a situation like that? I bet that if someone knocked on the door, I would just pull myself together, but in front of my bf I go frantic. How is he supposed to help me? Sorry if it's confusing, I'm not very good with words lately.