Going to see extended family for the first time in ~5yrs. Flight and housing all paid for so that’s fun but I’m just feeling terrible.

This week leading up to it has been awful. I work for tips and they switched me to morning shifts when I make more on night shifts. We worked out a raise on my wage but it still doesn’t entirely make up my loss. I agreed to it because those shifts are so chill and I usually have time to do personal life stuff.

Almost EVERY shift I leave, I get some email complaining or my manager makes up something she thinks I was supposed to know but our shop has always been very laid back so my training was abysmal. It’s an easy job so I had no issue with it but they are stressing me the FUCK OUT by 1. Not talking to me if they have an issue 2. The frequency… I know I do a good job, they’re just mad when they see me done and on my laptop in the office and then usually its so slow I go on call for the last hour and leave early. Everything would be so nice if I didn’t feel like everyone hated me or was trying to snitch on me but my trust issues have gotten extremely bad bc of this. I’m not perfect, but I’m not going to take this like I was supposed to know these “rules” in the first place. I’m so fucking scared. I know how to fight and stand up for my self but where ever I go it feels like a struggle just to exist and work around other people. I’m so fucking sad and I haven’t gotten to talk to my therapist for 3 weeks because of this new schedule and Memorial Day and I oversplet once and now I learned that because I’m in Florida she can’t meet with me over the phone like we usually do even tho I’m still a resident in the state that she’s liscended for and I hate everything around me I fixing I hate whatever is going on town then fucking dumbass time line we’re living and I want to burn

On top of that I have been crushingly lonely and I get a lot of time to think about it at work and I keep seeing all these couples doing shit I want to do but if I want it that bad it’s a red flag or I’m desperate or I’m not manly I hate the men and women trying to pigeonhole how I can be around the people I love and then leaving me to sulk alone when I don’t conform. Some people come talk to me but I have no one w to hangout with that I feel safe around. It hasn’t been this bad in while. I miss my friends. My ex is my ex but I would feel so much better if I had anything else going on in my life. Something to show me that that relationship wasn’t a fluke and I can be loved and people want my love too I’m getting chills writing that I’m so hungry

Wanted to write somewhere that anyone can see it because I don’t have my unbiased therapist for the next week tysfm America