Fuck. Soon I will turn 20. 20. Of course many of you people will be older and even much older than me, but I believe that you can relate to my feelings nonetheless. 

I don’t know where all these years went… It feels like yesterday that I didn’t worry about a thing as I had fun with my friends in kindergarten, primary school and high school. Furthermore, my grandma passed away last year, whom I spent most of my childhood with.

I'm lost in the thought of "soon I will be 20, then 30, 40" and so on. Everything seems to be insignificant because I will grow old and die anyway, if not even sooner. Cool, I made it into medicine and am now pursuing this path. But what use does it have anyway? In the end, it won’t really matter. 

Birthdays are such a torture, aren’t they? They are annual reminders that you are one step closer to death.

I am not sure anymore whether it really is this idea which makes me feel so empty, or is it the fear not to live life to the fullest? Well, I don’t know how to escape this state of living and thinking. Please help me.