I was recently diagnosed with BPD, and it’s relieving to see pieces of my behaviors and actions put together like this. But I also hate having this diagnosis because I’m prone to making labels a core part of my identity, and I don’t want to continue using my mental health as a “crutch.” When shit hits the fan, I get angry, find a reason to leave, and end or ghost a friendship with that messed up reason. I’ve repeated this behavior mostly in my high school days, but now I just lost and pushed away very important people in my life.

I just lost my closest friends, whom I’ve considered family for years. They tried so hard and gave me so many chances with my toxic and codependent tendencies, but as soon as they had enough and put all the pressure on me to fix it, I split. I was blinded by my own feelings, my own ego being hurt and the overwhelming feeling that my friends felt so hurt by me that I decided to leave because I somehow convinced myself it was for the best. They just learned of this, and were so upset and basically told me how bad of a friend I’ve been all these years and how they wasted time and emotional support and it’s over now.

In the next two months, I’m moving into a place by myself. No friends as roommates, and no cat. Just work and searching for a new pet to adopt. (It’s a long story why my cat is being taken by the roommates).

I feel empty. I feel scared, regretful. I want to participate in bad coping skills but instead I’m willing myself to play games or browse the internet instead. I hate this ghosting pattern of mine. I fucking hate splitting and feeling apathetic towards the closest people when they’re upset with me.

Does anyone have any advice, or experienced something like this before? I know I can move on and heal, but I’m so worried of repeating and hurting more people.. I’m tired of being toxic and pathetic.