i have thought for the past year or so i have been my “new self”. well i’m realizing now that i have become somebody without friends or lovers 

i have been thinking that i am now incapable of being close to anyone, that’s just “who i am” 

well the thing is, i haven’t stopped feeling. i still feel, but i have become quick to recognize feelings and immediately become stressed and cold. sometimes i am lucky and feel a whole minute of intense over the world joy. and that’s caused by something like a song lyric that’s funny. 

I want to feel actual human feelings of love. but i am so scared of being seen by another person for who i am. i have created a stigma against myself, and i’m the leader. 

i think what im trying to conclude is that i have become so afraid and disgusted of the bad effects that my intense feelings can cause. 

i fall in love? i get disappointed. so i have stopped allowing myself to do that. 

i have consistent friends? i get jealous and have fomo bad. i stopped talking to my friends, so at least it’s on my end and i can’t get hurt. 

i have become a jaded loser who spends every day filling the void with weed, caffeine, and spending money. i long for so much more. every day.