It hurts to think about, I've neglected my life so badly. It was one thing to feel unhappy about the things that went wrong in my life, but most of what I suffer from now is entirely my own fault.

I've been out of work for four fucking years. How the hell does someone do that? It's complicated. I really can't say. I thought there was something at the end of it for me though. But it didn't work out. I could never turn my life around in a new place like I hoped. It was an impossible situation to begin with.

Now it's coming to an end. I can no longer sustain the way I was living and find myself going back to the same dark hopeless situation I was in before, but with far less of anything that I came in with. I don't have any money, no car, everything I used to use to cope is no longer available to me. I can never get a job like I had before, I'm four years older and the job opportunities available to me are all situations where I'll be humiliating myself in the town I hoped I could escape from.

I'm at a point where I no longer care about the things that made me depressed in the first place - bad childhood, toxic relationship, ruined friendships. I wish I could slide back in to the life I had a few years ago, even with all that depression, but I am completely and utterly fucked and find myself wanting to end myself rather than put myself though what is coming for me.

What all started due to loneliness and feelings seems to be leading to an outcome of pure economics. I failed to achieve adulthood and it's far, far to late to imagine that I can. I've fallen so far behind and am basically entering the 'irreversable decay phase' of my life and have nothing to show for what I've been though so far.

It's hard to imagine that I'd be looking back on the life I felt so bad about and thinking of that as the good old days - having no friends and making no friends and staying up late every night playing video games. And it will always hurt for as long as I have left, that the changes I made in my life that I thought would be for the better did not work out and I've just ended up in a deeper despair than I've ever been in before. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Enjoy what's good about life and don't throw it all away because it doesn't match the outcomes of your more privileged peers.