I don't know what to say. For about 6 years pretty much the only thing I thought about was suicide. That was from ages ~11 to ~17. I'm almost 19 now. I had a bad childhood but nothing like being raped or beaten. Just average traumatic stuff like your dad savagely killing your dog in-front of you with a pole, then leaving and naming another child your own name and your family making you feel like the only value you brought to the table was being the jokester. I feel like I don't have an identity. I have no passions and very little interests. My interests also aren't strong enough for me to have the motivation to live my life around them. I want nothing from this world and because of this I don't feel the need to be in it. I don't want to kill myself I just don't want to exist. I'm not sure why I'm making this post, I suppose I just want to vent a little. I'm also low key convinced nothing is real and that kinda just adds to my apathy towards life. The only bad thing is you cant really function in this world with apathy so I have no Idea what to do. I'm supposed to wrap up my associates next semester but I still don't know what to major in. I don't even want to attend next semester. I'm pretty intelligent too and all my life I've just felt like a waste of potential. Mainly because of the words of people around me but also because I know they're right. At the same time I don't really care. The only reason I do have an inkling of care is because its been a drag having the feeling that I cant function. But at the same time I don't want to function but I dont want to kill myself so I'm just unsure. I feel unfit for life. Even when I'm happy I feel fine with the idea of death. My perspective also changes within seconds sometimes so I'll probably feel stupid for posting this and delete it. I know I could force myself to be successful but I dont feel the drive to. I feel like I've forced the entirety of my life up until now and I'm kinda over it. Say what you want, call me lazy, tell me to get therapy or that I just need to find what I like. I've heard it all before. I just want to be understood but I know that wont happen. I've tried all my life. I'm just tired