I'm not gonna lie i honestly think im going through a manic episode right now, i have been struggling for so long and it honestly just doesnt get better for me  


normally i can deal with this lack of feeling that ive gone through for so long now but for the past 2 months ive gone back to drinking everyday usually just a drink or two after work to just try and release this tension i feel beneath my skin but it doesnt work how it used to  


i bought a 1.75L bottle of vodka after work and friday and i finished it tonight and it still made me feel absolutely nothing so i went back to a habit that I never thought I would again  


I cut my leg so deep and im just watching the blood drip and its the first time i truly felt some sort of release i used to say that as much as I want to kill myself i wouldnt cause for one fuck becoming a statistic and two it would be pretty devastating to my family but every day little by little its like im being beckoned to the grave i crave it so fully now i just want to ease this suffering  


i mean its all bullshit cause i have too many responsibilties to way too many people that i care about but god does it feel good to fantasize about it