All of these feelings that there is something wrong with me at the core; that I look or behave oddly, or I'm not worthy of love, are not only not true...they are ruining my life, because I do not trust or feel connections with people the way I used to. So not only on top of the self loathing, there is pushing people away inadvertently who actually, truly like me. It's crazy. 

Instead of learning more about friends, appreciating and loving others, and making them feel special and loved, I've been so afraid that I became self obsessed, worrying if I do every little thing right or I'll be cast out and abandoned. Then there is the obsessive preoccupation with each interaction that's so painful I want to avoid them altogether. 

It's painful, and oddly selfish. People must think I'm selfish and self absorbed, but underneath that fear is the capacity for intimacy and love. I feel it, and have empathy when I'm not in a state of anxiety. The fear is based on this idea that I'm a nobody so why would I reach out or show affection? So I've not only hurt myself, but hurt others inadvertently. It's such a fear based, sad way of living.

Years ago I had what felt like "real" friends, and over the years I've become more afraid to pursue new friendships as people moved away. I rely heavily on my boyfriend for companionship, but it's not enough. The main reason is that I haven't felt like a real person, it's hard to explain. Like I'm on the outside looking in and everyone else is real, but I'm nobody and don't deserve anything. I say this with no self pity, but an observation.

The part that's sad (and I wonder if others might relate here) is that a true joy in my life is friendship, but I've been going about it the wrong way, holding back and not sharing who I am or thoughts and perceptions. It escalated while working from home into this depression and paranoia that has slowly lifted. So today, my mind is clearer. People do not hate me the way I think they do; they aren't trying to punish me.

People do not think I'm a freak. I am a human being, not a worthless person on the sidelines who doesn't deserve anything good in life: relationships, friendships, marriage, children. 

I've been isolating, avoiding and running away because of this fear, but life can be so much more. It can be special when you meet true friends, and people you can be honest and true with. Even though I made mistakes it doesn't mean I am not worthy of these things in the future.

Does anyone relate? I'm sad, sitting here at my desk at work, that I could cry. At 32 to I don't want to continue down a path of loneliness and isolation. Even though I have some acquaintance type friends I haven't truly let them in or opened up so it still feels lonely. 




























