My entire life feels like my mind is fighting with my intuition. My logical brain knows that I have friends, that I've accomplished a decent amount, that I'm not a completely terrible person.  But my actual feelings just doubt and go against that reasoning whatever chance they get. And the way that that leaves you feeling empty is so exhausting. I spend so much time trying to reassure myself that it's all just the BPD and it's in my head that I forget to actually enjoy the moment. Oh, I'm diagnosed not only with BPD but also ADHD, anxiety, depression, and OCD so I'm just the complete package, who wouldn't want me hahaa, right?

I just want to feel normal, or at least experience what it's like. How do regular people feel in my situation, and why don't they notice anything wrong with me? When I told my friends about my diagnoses none of them really gave a significant reaction. And I know it isn't their fault that they don't really know what it means and how it affects me, and I also don't want them to know because I don't want to appear weak and blame anything on my diagnoses. And it isn't their responsibility to make me feel better or take care of me, but if I'm honest it's what I want. 

I want someone to acknowledge that my life is hard and that I've been dealing with all this for so long and I have the right to be exhausted. And now just as I typed this I realized how stupid it sounded; there are people going through things immeasurably worse than me but I'm upset because I haven't been able to get out of my bed for three days. It's my fault I'm weeks behind on my schoolwork, that I haven't showered in five days, that I haven't eaten in two. It's my fault that I can't find the motivation to do anything. And what?  Now it's going to be my fault that my friends are going to be miserable trying to make me feel better too? 

I want that comfort and support, but I don't want to admit it so I just push away whoever tries. Will I ever let myself be truly vulnerable with anyone? I wonder what it's like for others to just be able to open up and trust others. Everyone seems so happy around me and it feels like whenever I'm there I just bring everyone down with my insecurities, even though I keep them to myself, nobody would really miss me if I was gone. 

It also just makes me angry that I'm suffering but it isn't even my fault. My whole life I was always upset that I never got a proper happy childhood with good parents and big family dinners and movie nights, smiles, laughter, and trips. I never had a place that I felt comfortable in, one where I knew I was welcome unconditionally, but everyone around me seems to have that. And then I get diagnosed and I find out that my crappy childhood not only stole those years from me, but it's also going to affect me for the rest of my life. AND THEN my brother is out here living happily and thriving because he was the golden child and he would never understand that while he's had a great childhood, mine was the polar opposite and he didn't even notice. The other day I was feeling down and he asked "are you depressed or something?" while he was laughing.

Everything just feels so hopeless right now and I'm sorry that is so long, congratulations if you made it all the way through, you didn't have to :)