it feels like i’m forever drowning and his presence is the only thing that can fix it. the only time i get a breath of air is when he tell me to breath, when he tell me he loves me, want me. it’s a never ending cycle of fear that you won’t stay. “ he doesn’t love you”  “if he really wanted to see you he would come see you” “he doesn’t want you that’s why he doesn’t respond as quick as you” “why can he text his friends back in minutes but i wait hours” every second of my thoughts are devoured by thoughts of him. it’s exhausting, it’s sickening. “what’s he doing” “where is he” “is he going to meet someone prettier, better smarter” “what if he doesn’t feel the same way about me that i feel about him” “what if he loves her like i love him” the constant spiral in my head never wants to rest. it makes me want to scream, block him, force him out of my head. it’s so consuming that i can’t live my life. i have to put my phone on silent and set up tasks that i have to complete before touching my phone to prevent myself from checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he finally texted back. to prevent myself from getting sadder each time i check and his name isn’t there. and every second of my task is spent yearning to see if he needs me like i need him. i constantly fear to make him angry, his angry feels like being stabbed 100 times and left in the river to shrivel away. i know none of this is normal i know i sound insane. every day i beg myself to just be normal for once to recognize how these feelings aren’t real that i push him further away every time i freak out, that every freak out hurts me more and more but some days the demons consume me and i lose my grip.  i’m trying harder and harder every day. it’s hard not to give up, it feel like i’m unlovable and forever broken. when will it get better.