I’ll start by saying there is a lot happening in this head of mine all the time and I understand that it can be draining to other people, but I think I’m a pretty cool person to hang out with.

I’ve always had a tough time staying in touch with people. As a military wife, I had built in friendships. Women I hung out with every day. When I divorced and moved, I lost my friends. I found it hard to keep in touch with them. They’re all still great friends even though they’ve all moved to opposite sides of the country. I find myself somewhat jealous.

At my most recent place of employment, I made a few friends. Three (A, D, and H) to be precise. Three women that I hung out with often. We watched each other go through relationships and tough times. We saw each other all day at work and then made plans for the weekends.

In January, I had an episode and ended up in a mental facility. D welcomed me back with open arms, told me she was scared for me, went through the motions. We hung out a couple times after that but she quit speaking to me. I asked her about a month later if something happened between us and she said no. So I let it go. We may speak once a month now. 

H quit and she sort of secluded herself. We still speak intermittently but she works night and is in school full time. We were supposed to go to lunch today and she cancelled. Deep down I was happy because I’d already come up with 95 (illegitimate) excuses to cancel, but told myself to go anyway. When she cancelled, I tried not to take it personally, but what would I be if I didn’t take it personally?

A and I were really close; hanging out almost every day. When I got into a relationship, I invited her with us to dinner several times a week so she wouldn’t be lonely. She obliged often. I went on a mini vacation and when I got back, she was in a relationship. I was super confused but supported her. She stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped asking to hang out.  I told her 2 months before I quit my job that I was super frustrated with work. She told me if I wasn’t happy to leave. When I formally put in my 2 weeks notice, she stopped speaking to me. She asked me the next day to give her a final ending day so she could hire someone else. We haven’t talked since then. That was 5 weeks ago.

As I type this, I realize these are friendships out of convenience but I thought I’d made genuine connections. Im almost 30 and have only had one consistent friend for the last 13 years. Which is great, I love her, but she doesn’t live here.

I have social anxiety. Going grocery shopping stresses me out because if I don’t plan it exactly right to where self checkout is open, I have to talk to the cashier. And I’d really rather not.

My fiancé works across the country. When he asks what I’ve done all day, I feel guilty for telling him what I’ve done (clean house, paint grout, paint the house, write,  draw) because I didn’t leave the house. He tells me to get out of the house but it really stresses me. He understands but he swears it’ll make it better. I leave to buy more paint. I leave to go see my granny. 

He tells me to try to make friends but I really have no idea how to and I’m to the point that I don’t know if I want to because I don’t want it to be me trying really hard to maintain a friendship and them thinking I’m overwhelming.