Hi. I'm 21F and wanting some insight. So I've been dealing with chronic pain and health issues for about three years now, which have greatly impacted my life. It's caused me to drop out of college, end my relationship, and become very isolated. 

Anyways. I've always had symptoms of anxiety and depression. I self harmed when I was 14 and am still covered in the scars. I recently relapsed but that's not really the point.

I've been sexually assaulted and gone through extremely traumatizing medical experiences. Even thinking about these two things makes my heart start racing. For years I kept getting one bad diagnosis after another and again, my health takes a huge toll on me. The symptoms are awful and my diseases are progressive. This is very hard for me to handle psychologically. 

I started seeing a psychiatrist who said I have symptoms of BPD but she never diagnosed me with it because I stopped seeing her for no reason lol, just stopped going. Before that she had put me on Lamictal and it helped my dpdr a lot.

Childhood wasn't great but not awful either. My symptoms that I've had since I was young: 

• Unstable relationships 
• Generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks 
• Depression, tried therapy + 10 different ssri/snris
• Issues with body image, self hatred 
• Impulsivity (started drinking at 14, self harm) 
• Always moody, but nowhere near as bad as now

Symptoms that additionally started, specifically after all of the trauma I've been through: 

• Still VERY unstable relationships, it's so bad and always my fault.
• Dissociation (gets extremely bad. for almost a year I didn't feel in my body or like anything around me was real. luckily get moments of being grounded now but it's still very much a problem)
• Either very very empty or a ton of emotions at once 
• Irritable for no reason 
• INSANE mood swings. bawling on the floor, can barely breathe, sobbing and begging for death. next day I'll be super energetic and "happy" (just feel oddly high or something)

Honestly, I don't know what I'm looking for- treatment for regular depression/anxiety doesn't do much for me and ever since my psychiatrist brought it up it's been on my mind. I'm scared because I don't want something untreatable. But I also think a lot of my symptoms can be attributed to stress. I don't know though. Thank you for reading