My self esteem has always been dangerously low. Due to this I have suffered multiple eating disorders in the past. It's so low its almost hard to explain. I feel like since BPD causes extremes of emotions it may affect self esteem too in this way? 

I see myself as grotesque. When I was a kid all throughout school I literally saw myself as the bottom of the barrell for looks. It was to the point that when people found interest in me I just thought they were being nice and dismiss it. Or I'd think that they'd be just joking with me in an attempt to make fun of me. My mom would pay to edit our school pictures so I never felt naturally beautiful. She would force my sister and I to wear makeup at a real young age (3rd to 4th grade) because we couldn't go "looking like a mess". She would always comment telling me I had a manly figure, muscular, and built hefty. 

It caused me to suffer sexual assaults and rapes. I was easily groomed bc I thought no one else would find me attractive especially if my own mother told me I needed to change. 

Same with when I spent a year in college. Men and women took interest in me, but I would always just take it as "they're being friendly" because nobody would EVER be interested in someone like me. It took a toll on all of my relationships too because I would always question why they were with me. That they could do so much better. They are out of my league etc. I would believe that they only liked me due to sex. I thought that was all I had to offer. 

Everytime I think I move past this. Anytime I grab a handful of self confidence it gets destroyed the next day by myself and my body dismorphia. I end up feeling so bad about myself that I avoid mirrors just to not trigger those thoughts. 

But other times I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. For minutes or a day I feel like I should be on the cover of vogue. Or that everyone thinks I'm hot. Like I'm the "it" girl. I end up being disgusted with these narcissistic thoughts. It's one or the other. It's torturous.