This may be the wrong place but I would literally rather die than be seen as weak by others. I hate letting people in and knowing the true me. Its more fueled by fear and insecurity than anything, and im too pussy to explain that to my sister or even my girlfriend and therapist. I also hate when people think they got the better of me. Im always the first to leave than be seen as laughable or pitiful. Im a big guy and i try to stick to that persona but in all reality my brain is weak, despite being considered gifted. I supposedly have OCD, but thats mostly because i have disturbing thoughts, and consider them intrusive. My opinion on myself and how i treat others is constantly changing. Ill be a dick and like it, and then 45 minutes later ill feel terrible for it. The easiest way to feel guiltless is pretending it doesnt bother you, but it does at night and when youre by yourself and not high or drunk. I hate feeling like a monster but being able to convince everyone else im a good guy and being funny. I feel like my dad. My therapist tells me im not, but the more i think , the more i see the similarities. I want to change, but refuse because it would break everything ive lived by. I came out of it for a while after a bad shroom trip, but its much more comfortable in a shell.