hello everyone. i'm new to this sub and new to the possibility of diagnosis as well (i've talked with therapist a bit and signs are pointing to yes, i fit the bill).

 i'm currently feeling really upset because i've been learning a lot about bpd and it describes younger me's issues and feelings of "there are two different people inside of me." therapists never listened and said i was wrong, but i wasn't and i'm seeing that now. i felt like i was going crazy. i didn't understand why i was having such massive episodes and why my mood was so irregular. i would flip so easily and it was upsetting. 

if they had listened, if they took me eff-ing seriously, i could've avoided so much pain for myself and others. i made so many mistakes when i was a teenager -- i was emotionally and mentally abusive without realizing it and it was a product of what i now realize was likely bpd. ex: major mood swings, impulsivity, major abandonment issues, pushing people away as hard as i could and then begging them not to leave, etc.

these are now things i have to carry forever and the guilt eats me alive. i have nightmares about it, i breakdown in tears realizing i pushed everyone away. i lost people i truly loved because i didn't understand what i was doing and no one ever told me otherwise. i took and took and took from so many people and didn't care what i had to do to get love and attention i wanted (sex, inappropriate relationships, displaying myself at a young age online for attention, reckless behavior, etc) and i didn't even realize what i was doing. i never knew how much i was hurting these people until they randomly up and left. 

i finally started getting help when i moved out of my abusive home when i was 18, but i landed into another abusive relationship that set me back. i still tried to be better though. i still am, but still feel that impulsivity in me and have to actively fight it. i get very upset when i'm not receiving mass amounts of love, but then immediately feel guilty for asking and feel the need to tell people to forget it and beg them not to go. it's so confusing. 

i'm just... so upset. i feel very confused and sometimes am not sure what i'm allowed to feel. all of my friends that i lost were older than me -- they apparently hated how i acted but never told me because they were too afraid i was going to respond badly (hurt myself). i talk with my therapist about this now and i don't know if i'm allowed to be upset at all. i don't know if i'm fully in the wrong. i feel i'm not, especially with the age gap (2-5 years difference) and their lack of communication, but i don't know. is that horrible of me to say? am i being selfish again? 

anyways, i do think i would have took it hard but if they would've just sat me down and talked to me like a human, i would've gotten help so much sooner because i never, ever wanted to hurt them. i didn't even realize i was. but even saying that makes me feel guilty because they shouldn't have had to tell me. i don't know.

i'm so confused. i'm so deeply sad. the loneliness i feel in my heart because i lost people i love because i hurt them...it sucks. the guilt kills me. i feel i don't deserve love or kindness and that i'm not a good person and never will be. hell, i even got diagnosed with a rare brain disease a few months ago and my first thought was, "i deserve this."

what...do i do now? how do i stop this guilt? i've tried to apologize and some people forgave me and others have told me that they never will and that i deserve to sit in the guilt for the rest of my life.