in june i got diagnosed with Bipolar ll, mixed personality disorder (narcissistic, antisocial and borderline traits) and alcohol abuse disorder. my whole life I thought I would be in the military, and my future was there and certain and I was excited for it. i fucked up by getting a formal diagnosis and they barred me. i feel like i have no course in life and I’m just scraping by. 
i wish I had a particular niche or some field to go into but i have nothing like that really, I’m not going to college, and my plan A, B, and C didn’t work out. I was supposed to ship out next month. I literally feel like i have no identity or sense of self, I don’t recognize myself and I don’t even know what I really look like. all this came to a T when I got really hopeful about a potential relationship but got blocked out of nowhere. it was dumb but my snapping point taking my other life events into account. this always happens and i pride myself on self-awareness but it feels like I’m too sick and unstable for them. i just get used and tossed to the side once they find out I’m not the “hot” kind of crazy and i feel like genuinely such a shitty person all of the time. I truly base my worth on other’s perceptions of me because my mind is a mess and i don’t know who i even am anymore. I’ve been through a lot this last year but somehow with my diagnosis i still feel really invalid and wonder to myself if I’m exaggerating it. but then I read my psych eval again and there’s awful things about me and my personality that are true. I’m at a low, and I just wish there was hope for my future happiness and security. I’m tired of talking about my problems and getting “you need routine, exercise, structure” it’s SO invalidating as well. all i want is to be able to grow some resolve and stop being wasted potential.