I seriously feel I have lost years of progress and I am extremely bitter. I spent my childhood anxious, not because of my family, but because I was bullied and outcasted at school for being "weird" and "ugly" (severe cystic acne) and was too shy to stand up for myself.  My teenage years were also pretty boring, I had barely any friends so I was home on my computer most weekends. When I left school I promised myself I would become better.amd make my adult years better, not be th "weird" girl anymore. That I would be someone who I could feel less ashamed of. I met my boyfriend, I moved countries, I travelled, I worked even in public speaking which would have shocked my teachers. I learned some SFX makeup skills which has become a hobby. It hasn't been enough but it has been something.

And covid took it all away just like that. It took my job (I am not officially unemployed but my industry is one of the worst hit ones and there's other signs that the company can't really recover) so I am forced to depend on my boyfriend and his family's aid indefinitely. It took my ability to travel which is my biggest life goal. It took my peace of mind, I have been daily worrying about my relatives in my home country getting covid and last week I found out my mother has it, she has athsma, I am scared.

It took literally every event I look forward to, it took the holiday I get excited for every year. It took all my sfx events. It is causing my boyfriend and I to argue because we are both overwhelmed, I feel guilty for not being the same girl he fell for because I just feel so miserable. It stopped me from being able to see my family at Christmas and my brain has been telling me that I am basically a dead person to my family, mentioned by name but physically gone. I think my cat in my home country will totally not remember me anymore. I think about my best friend's premature baby and how I will be a total stranger to this kid even when she comes home from the hospital. I moved to Scandinavia, not Australia, i usually visits several times a year. I spend every single day feeling anxious and depressed, bitter, feeling I finally was able to improve and now it is taken away. 

But the worst part is that I am not sure I will be able to come back from this. I don't think I can book a trip to see my family even if things look good, because my brain tells me it will just get cancelled and I'll be more hurt than if I hadn't booked at all. Or that the flights will demand covid test results so I could be denied boarding just because I got my results too early or late which is out of my control. Last summer I found it helpful to plan a bucket list trip to Japan for the end of 21 so I could look forward to something...and now it looks like that won't even be possible, so I have dropped it completely as if I plan anything it'll just get cancelled and I'll be more hurt than if I hadn't planned anything. I feel like I have lost the ability to look forward to anything. I can't take more disappointment. My family were going to hold a nice Easter to make up for the horrible Christmas but that doesn't seem possible now with the country's lockdown, so that is basically yet another cancelled thing. 

Since I am a foreigner in the country I live in (I have applied for citizenship but the application takes like 2 years) there isn't a lot of therapy help for me, I can't afford to pay privately. I am on medication (Citalopram) but this is beyond what SSRI's can help with. I would rather be on the streets here than back in my home country, the UK. I feel like I am having two years of my life taken from me, and that I will be too broken to try and salvage anything afterwards to avoid even more pain and disappointment.  And every time the government or media does this "hang in there" stuff it gets worse, as it feels neverending. My 10 year anniversary of moving to this country is late February and it so cold here that all I can do to "celebrate" is sit in our apartment just like literally every single other day.

Sorry for rambling, I don't want to make my boyfriend listen to this every day and I don't want to whine to my friend who is going through a lot herself. I may delete this, but is anyone else scared this pandemic has permanently broken them?