I'm 24, almost 25, and I don't have it all figured out.

I don't have a college degree. Tried finishing twice and withdrew twice. Not once did I ever have any interest in what I was studying. Was depressed, anxious, and alone the entire time. Covid was the straw that broke the camel's back. In retrospect, I never should have gone.

I don't have a real, pay-the-bills, type career. Left my job of four years because it had become an awful work environment and it was a dead-end job. Currently working part-time as a mover while I take courses in web development/programming.

I've never had a girlfriend.

It feels like everyone I know and love is watching me. Judging me.

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It feels like I'm on a stage. A spotlight shining down. I'm just standing. Not saying a word.

My friends and family are in the front row. Casual acquaintances scattered around and more towards the back. And they're just staring. Waiting for something significant to happen. They're whispering amongst themselves in the audience.

"When will he get a career?"

"So when's the part when he gets a girlfriend?"

"Is this dude going to do something?"

Eventually, I'm afraid that they're going to start throwing tomatoes. The tomatoes thrown from my friends will hurt the most. I like to believe that my family won't throw tomatoes., but I can't say for sure that won't happen.

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Why do I feel so much external pressure to figure my life out tomorrow? Of course, I want to, but it won't happen overnight.

I'm young still right? Why does the human race put so much pressure on young adults to follow a certain blueprint and find success the second they leave college or begin their early twenties?

I'm trying. I'm taking classes to learn a lucrative skill. Just not in the traditional college way.

Some people go to college, say "I'm going to be a dentist", and then they go become a dentist. Life has never been that black and white for me. It's always been a rollercoaster filled with unknowns and it's still going.

Society's faux blueprint for life makes me feel like crap for it.

I hate it here. Get me off this damned rock.