This just feels like I'm journalling, but I'm manic and feel like posting so I guess anyone who's bored or interested in my story here ya go. I  (17M) entered my first depressive episode in 6th grade. I had suicidal thoughts constantly, and I became very reserved and afraid, when before I was bubbly, talkative, and humourous. I've been thinking about the types of delusions I get and I'm realizing very well what could have been my first ones. When I entered my first episode, I suddenly thought everyone hated me and was judging me constantly (this was definitely influenced by puberty and social anxiety, but it was really intense). I vividly remember being so grossed out and confused one day as a 12 year old thinking my sister was trying to seduce me (?? this was not happening). Then, during the start of the next school year, I had this incredibly painful and persistent thought that everyone at my school thought I was staring at their crotches or breasts and that I was some huge pervert. One afternoon, a friend of mine playfully poured water on me, and I became convinced that that was a sign that everyone was finally conspiring against me to put an end to my imaginary harrassment. In fact, this thought was so strong that I developed a facial tick that I still have today, which is raising my eyebrows. I do it very frequently and I can't control it. I originally started doing it to stop any possible glaring at people and to make sure I could only look at their eyes so I wouldn't be misunderstood. Soon after, I began thinking these older friends of mine that I had met over the summer had all collectively decided they hated me and thought I was trying to be them. I remember hearing their voices in my head saying "we're not friends with him anymore." It was awful and it felt so real. I had no idea it wasn't. In fact, I'm like family with one of those guys now and I told him about it, and he was so surprised. The only other thing I can remember from that time that may have been a delusion was the persisting thought that my neighbors could hear every single thing I was doing, and that they had shunned me because they thought I was so disgusting and horrendous. I was really good friends with my neighbor, and after that I just became paranoid and ashamed. All of these "delusions" stayed in my head all throughout middle school. I'm realizing now how much childhood I missed out on because I spent all of my time being paranoid and terrified. That's no way to spend those years. They all feel wasted. It's a miracle how far I've come, honestly. These days, if I have a thought that involves someone, I'll just ask them and clarify if anything is wrong. Back then I had no idea what to do, and no one to turn to. Although I'm not at all "better" off than I was then, I'm incredibly grateful to have the support system I now have, and to be aware of what's going on with my head. Shit gets scary! Stay safe y'all.