Long story short, I almost lost my mom to a surgery gone wrong in early December. That whole month was hell for me, having to sit around doing nothing as she fought for her life in the ER. I was almost completely alone during this. Partly my own fault, because I didn't want to bother my friends with such a heavy subject.

Skipping ahead to the present. It's almost April. My mom beat all odds and survived and is doing quite well! But I still feel stuck in that constant loop of negative thoughts. I'm so afraid of her dying. When it gets particularly bad I even think she did die and I'm making it up in my head that she survived.

It's been almost four months. I can't focus on my studies or getting a job or anything useful besides just existing. I tried to go back to college in person but the pandemic just made my agoraphobia worse and now I can't handle being in a closed room with 40 people, much less doing group work. I'm so close to graduating, so this is so frustrating.

It's been four months. I should be over this now. Sure, I was never a functioning member of society, but I used to be better than this. I should be over it.