I'm two years out of an abusive/toxic household, five months of an abusive relationship, and two weeks sober. I've been struggling with heavy  dissasociation, and depression since the age of eighteen. For years, I lost my sense of self. I desperately tried to find ways to not feel numb. I genuinely didn't care what happened to my body.  I got into extremely dangerous situations, and constantly made horrible decisions because my judgement was so clouded. I don't know what happened, but she finally came back. Something sparked inside me, and I can say I finally feel like myself again. I still have days where I struggle with dissasociation, and depression, but it's getting better everyday.

When I was eighteen, my Mom started drinking a bottle of wine everyday. When I would try to talk to my Dad about my Mom, and how I thought she was an alcoholic, he would yell at me. It took him months to finally admit that she was an alcoholic. He enables her. He buys her at least six bottles of wine every week. I would find her passed out on the floor in the kitchen when I would come home from work. 

There were times where my Dad would get so angry with my Mom for getting too drunk, that I thought he was going to hit her. When I was nineteen, my Mom attempted suicide twice. Alcohol and pills. Each time, my family refused to take her to the hospital. I tried desperately to convince them to call. Each time I was met with zero support. "If we call, then her attempt will be on her record for the rest of her life. What if she can't get another job?" That scarred me. 

During that time, I think my brain went into survival mode, and turned off my emotions. I was experiencing dissasociation 24/7. I got myself into horribly dangerous situations to try to feel something. I was assaulted on the beach when I was nineteen. When I think about it now, it feels like I'm retelling a story from a friend. I've distanced myself so far from it. 

I looked for love in the wrong places, and ended up being in two emotionally abusive relationships back to back. After being by myself for five months in my new apartment, completely sober, I've realized how horrible of a person I was. I treated the people that truly loved and cared for me, like shit. I didn't talk to them. I made poor decisions, said things without thinking beforehand. I was irresponsible. I was selfish. It's almost like I feel completely conscious now. I don't know what snapped, but I'm so terrified of becoming the person I was before. 

I'm trying to apologize to the people I've hurt. I recognize that some of them might not be able to forgive me, and they might not want to be part of my life anymore. I want to become a better friend, daughter, granddaughter