I'm sorry if it will be chaotic to read, i just need to throw it out of my self.

According to my previous therapist (which i didn't really liked) i have a depression but do i really? I mean mostly i'm just a typical teenager that goes to school, having a laugh with friends etc they are some dark clouds sometimes meanwhile but usually not that would make me suffer for long time. And then suddenly one day i am depressed as hell for days or i guess mostly weeks and i believe it kind of slowly fades away with time, everything is back to normal... And then it happens again, the cycle continues. Right now i'm at the begining of that state of getting super depressed, i think i'm crying for the third time today (while no one sees or knows, of course). Is it normal to have such mixed feeling in depression?

Changing topic right now... My dad, he loves my, i love him and he knows something *was* wrong with me, he's the person that managed to find that therapist for me because he wanted to help me (didn't work out for me but not his fault). After i stopped going to that therapist i most likely told him that i'm pretty much fine now. Well i'm not but here's the issue with me... I'm way too scared to tell him this, i'm scared of crying in front of anyone because it shows i'm weak. He asks me from time to time if everything is alright with me and i only can lie to him because i don't want him to worry about me, i thought all of that would fix itself after few years but no, everything is the same with me i am depressed and i too much of coward to change anything and i'm probably just hurting myself more and more with my attempts to just forget about it and i just cry to myself in secret anytime i think about confrontig my feelings. I don't know what to do anymore, i don't want to die but i want to just lay down and sleep and never get up or until it all is fixed