First of all i beg you all not to judge me (26 f). And i warn you about the long rant, full of typos, not a native. I am also diagnosed quite recently (2 docs) and i am not in therapy and stoped medicating (i don t feel like yet). But I really need to get off my chest a story about the darker side of bpd behaviour. 
I just lost my fp this night. He was my fp for less than 2 months. It all started when i got this job as a bartender at a local pub, after i medically retired from my high status previous job and i wanted to begin from zero. I met this guy (35 m) who is also a bartender and we hooked up. He has a girlfriend and i knew this for a fact when we hooked up. He is a charming man, with good sense of humor and that alluring thing i liked about him, he seemed to have seen it all. Very mature and wise but also charming and respectfuly funny. Not the prettiest, fittest etc. but i am not out for the looks. 
Anyhow, he explicity asked for my consent before we initiated our relationship. Told me about his girlfriend, setting the limits of our relationship and stating we avoid catching feelings. Demanding from me exclusivity. I was ok with all that, knowing in my malicious head that i, who have previously been with coupled guys, can get under their skin using manipulation and aquire them towards me, to get my supply enough that i needed. I know my modus operandi and i am self aware. 
All went well, i was getting what i needed from this relationship, it was becoming pretty intense and somehow sweet. I took further and further, then started to push the limits/self sabotage idk. 
First step, I got drunk one night after the shift and starded dancing and putting on a show for other guys at the bar. Given he solicited me exclusivity from the very first start, he was mad, but he forgived me. Then i gradually pushed the boundaries we consensualy establisehd to the point i seduced his brother repeatedly at the bar. The brother is now in a mental institution after binge drinking because i played with his mind knowingly i have no real intentions. Fp was mad when he found out, but somehow i hoovered him back. All good and nice, intense feelings etc until 3 days ago, we were having the shift and fp went mad over some customers, behaved very agressivly for 5 hours straight (he also has anger issues) and fucking frightened and triggered me (I was constantly verbally and phisically abused by my father, mother absent cause deceased). I told him to stop the behaviour because i can t stand nearby verbally agresive people, even if it is not directed towards me. He didn t stop and i excused myself from work and went home early, because i was severly triggered. I cried and started drinking. Later on in the night, after their shift was over, fp and the other bartender called me to apologise and asked me to come for a drink. I was already pretty drunk. I went, had the drink, fp noticed my intoxication and left at some point (he doesn t aprove on my drinking, given his father who aparently has the same impulsive bpd tendencies and on top of that, abuses alcohol on meds). 
I continued drinking with the other bartender, fp s close friend. 
We ended up sleeping toghether that morning and later when we were sober. It was nice. We agreed on keeping the secret between us (it s possible he caught feelings) 
Here comes the shitstorm. 
Idk what happened in my head that morning though. After i left the fp's friend house in the morning, i went to the bar and started drinking again. I only drank 3 beers. But then the rage came. The big rage. I waited for fp to come for work, then i asaulted him with a broken glass bottle. I was behaving just like his father did when he was a child. I managed to have some discerning and throw the bottle on the ground. He sent me home with help from one of the regulars whom i trusted, a girl who suffers from alchoholism since she was my age. The chick took me at her home and comforted me. 
After the incident, i mean yesterday, i went to the bar to apologise. Fp said the least he can do is cover me up and not get me fired. But he can t continue the relationship anymore. Since than i had terrible somatic pain in my chest and stomach, did not eat anything etc. I was beginging to spiral. Abandonment, well deserved.
Today i showed on my shift, looking as pretty as i could, hoping i can get him back. I behaved, did my job at 300% capacity, tried to make him laugh and his job easy. The shift ended earlyer, so as my relationship with fp. Then i desperately initiated a conersation. I even made up a story, stating i was on my antipsihotic while i asaulted him, which i took the previous night because he behaved agressivly and i didn t know it could mix up with alcohol and was involuntary intoxicated when i assaulted him. Bullshit. But i tried. 
He softened up. I blamed him and gaslight him until he softened up. 
But i couldn t prevent the breakup. 
He told me i was getting too involved. 
And he was not confortable enough. 
And we should stop.
Because the limits were set from the start. I felt betrayed. Because i knew i was leading him the right way. I fucked it up, gradually. I was desperate.
I don t know how i feel.
Usually i split, but i think i deserve this. I deserve i was played( yes i was, his mannerism and behaviour was more than fwb, i know that). Maybe i wasn t played, maybe i don t have the skill to play them anymore.
Because i am such a shitty person. I am diagnosed bpd, but i don t even believe i have this disorder now, maybe i am just a shitty and voluntary abusive person with an extra alcohol use disorder. I didn t even split this time, i feel numb, and (?) somehow relieved. Was he abusive? After he told me he will be suportive no matter what, but that relationshit between us ended for good this time i went home. 
I am home. I don t feel anything. I feel justice and i deserved this. 
I m not looking for excuses  i just wanted to vent. I really don t do this and i feel shame for venting:))
And honestly, i believe all i wander if anyone, somehow, experienced something similar. 
You don t have to tell if you don t want, cause i feel the shame. Deeply. 
I m sorry. I don t even know why i am sorry. I deserve all the misery. Objectively.