I need help but don't know how/who to ask. I am out of control, wrecking important relationships, trying to handle everything by myself. I try talking to people but it doesn't make sense what is going on in my brain, no one understands, everyone says it will be ok but I feel like I am going crazy. I have been in DBT for a long time and it hasn't seemed to help, everyone raves about it, but what if it doesn't work. I pushed my therapist away so I have no one to talk to. Family and friends don't understand. I want to die but I don't want to hurt my family so I just pray that I will just die naturally. I see what I am doing but can't stop. I try to distract but my mind is constantly going, rumination about how I am terrible, just hurt people, everyone would be better off without me, life is never going to change, I am not fixable. Why bother? I don't want to end up in the hospital, but talking myself out of things is hard. I haven't self harmed in a few years but that is all I want to do right now, something to make all these intense emotions go away. I am alone but I am not. I don't want to overwhelm people so I keep it all inside, I should be able to handle this on my own right? I have the skills I am just choosing not to use them. I don't know what to do, nothing works, self-sabotaging. Does it get better? How do people trust enough to let counseling work, I couldn't trust my therapist even after 7 years. My perceptions are all messed up, I know people aren't out to hurt me especially her but I can't stop thinking that they are. I feel stuck and alone and I don't know how not to overwhelm my support system so I just act happy and pretend. That is what we are supposed to do right? Where do you find hope when there is no light?