Anxiety sufferer here for about 8 years. I have better periods, and worse. It never gets to full blown panic attacks anymore since I know that my symptoms are just symptoms of anxiety, so that's good, but it never completely goes away either. 

Sitting at home? No problems whatsoever. Feeling sick / something off in my body? Here we go.  
Going to friends? Here we go. Going to work, which is for me filming weddings (a stressful and physical demanding job in itself), definitely here we go.

What do I mean with 'here we go?'

Sweating. Higher heart rate. Racing thoughts. Especially 'checking in' with how my body feels. Do I feel something off? Internal discussion. I'm downplaying it. Sometimes I'm challenging it to do it's worst. Sometimes I'm trying to focus on something else. It doesn't matter much. The symptoms are there, at least for a while. Sometimes it goes away after a short while, sometimes it takes longer.

But it always shows it's face. 

Today I had a wedding. Worked my ass off in hot, humid weather. After the first 2 hours I thought 'wow, no anxiety, I'm feeling pretty good again pfew'. A bit later I was doing a demanding shoot, in the blistering sun with 205% humidty. I suddenly felt my heart pounding in my chest. 'That's not normal'  I thought. I usually never have that. 'So I must be very stressed, or very very affected by this heat. Maybe I will faint soon. Maybe I should sit down for a while in the shade. No I can't leave. I will look like a fool and they pay me a lot of money to make good shots of them. Let's get it together, it's just anxiety. It will pass. Come on you little bitch. Get over it.'

So far my internal monologue. All day I had a heart rate of about 80-100. At rest. Higher during the actual running around with gear. These days are like a marathon for me. This is not how I want to live my life anymore. I used to be good at this and enjoy it. 

Damnit I want to enjoy the things again I used to. Without anxiety. Without distractions from my shitty subconsious.

This year I put my foot down. I did a hypnotherapy session (was awful, woke up feeling physically terrible). I started meditation and go to a course every week. I started talking to a psych (video call) weekly. Last session we did an EMDR treatment. I started working out again. I stopped porn. I started eating better. No more chips / beer at night. Fewer carbs and simply healthier food. 

I am doing my fucking best to get out of this. My conscious mind knows exactly what's going on. That there is nothing to be afraid of. That even the worst outcome isn't a big deal. That I'm good at my job. That I never fainted. That my heart is ok. That I will always survive. That I don't walk away, no matter how shitty I feel. That I get the job done and walk away without a scratch.

They are true. I know it. But my subconscious won't have it. It keeps mistake 'normal stress' for anxiety. And my body goes haywire. Injecting adrenaline into my veins as much as it can. For normal work or social stress that probably almost everyone feels when they have stressful job or haven't seen their friends in a while.

How can I stop this overreaction of my body / subconsious, everytime it comes into contact with a little stress?

I am so fucking bored of it. I'm the most rational guy when I'm not anxious. But something in my brain changed after my first panic attack. Will it ever be completely back to normal? 

Anyone who recognizes stuff in my story? What has helped you? Any hopeful stories out there?