Im 31, male, no college degree (left university at 21 because I was so depressed) and fucked my life up with drugs and alcohol. I was MDD diagnosed at 17 but I made it so much worse by drinking and smoking weed. Also brought out a lot of psychotic symptoms. I spend all day in bed ruminating and wondering why I did what I did why I am so stupid, how the hell am I going to ever manage to carry myself if my parents die before I get my shit together. And in fear. I literally have spent ten years isolated from most everyone and in literal panic mode. Not like “oh I’m paranoid of everyone so I won’t go near anyone”. Literal fear gripping my heart and mind. I feel the impulse to RUN AWAY all the time. I just want to sleep but I can’t most days and nights because I’m replaying my life in my head wondering why the hell it has to be like this and why I didn’t just never smoke weed when I was 17. Why my gf from HS cheated on me after 2 years of pure bliss. Why, when I rebounded and fell in love again, I broke up with the girl who didn’t judge me and I didn’t have these problems while with her.

I just need to hear im gonna be okay and things will get better and all I hear is anger and accusation for being a failure and not “figuring it out” by now. Why I was an athiest for so long and it took this to make me realize I’m not some immortal gift to the earth. Haven’t I been humbled enough? I lost my freaking sister.