CW: Multiple (Suicide/ bulimia/ depression) 

My current partner and I have been seeing each other for a bit over 6mo. From the start he knew I was diagnosed with bpd and did research for ways help me deal with it. For the past 2-3 months I’ve been going through a really hard time (tbh this whole year has been really fucking difficult) but today he decided to talk to me about my dependency issues (bulimia +alcohol/ weed) and told me I need to make a lifestyle change. I know that what I do is super unhealthy, I know that. I also don’t have the desire to stop or change that right now though. I’m constantly fucking miserable and they’re the only things that make me feel momentarily happy. I feel like i have to keep finding moments of immediate gratification to keep myself from straight up suicide. I’m constantly suicidal and smoking/ drinking makes things feel easier and not as painful. I am seeing a psychiatrist currently, but medication has never done much for me, and I can’t currently afford therapy. He knows all of this. He speaks like making a “lifestyle change,” is something easy to do, but just existing day to day is fucking difficult. It’s hard for me to get up in the mornings, it’s hard for me to shower and brush my hair, I can’t eat anything without immediately needing to purge it all back up. I’m struggling so much and I know he sees it. It hurts for him to imply that I just need to try harder to be better. I don’t have the motivation to even be alive. Everything fucking hurts. I just want to feel good momentarily. How do I explain this to him?