TW: mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts


A little bit of backstory:
For ~2 years I haven't managed to get a grasp on my life and basically lie depressed in bed all day. I've been inpatient for 7 weeks in late 2020 and got my BPD diagnosis then. After I got out I got a therapist who I was seeing regularly for 5 months without any real progress before I ended therapy with him. At the end of last year I got hospitalized again for three months after a suicide attempt. Since then I found another therapist with whom I had 3 appointments so far. 
2 weeks ago I got a letter from my health insurrance stating they won't pay for the therapy. Today, my socio-psychiatric service worker told me it would probably be possible to make a request to get them to pay for the treatment after all.
The thing is, I don't really know if it's worth the effort or if I even want to continue therapy with my current therapist. I objectively know that I need some kind of help to be able to live again but it's hard right now to make myself care about anything or even to get the motivation for trying to get a will to live.
I just don't think therapy has helped me so far. I guess I kinda want to talk to someone who understands but I couldn't really talk to or trust or open up to all the therapists I had so far. I don't understand myself and I don't even really know what my issues are and I feel incredibly guilty and shitty for not being able to make use of therapy. I constantly split on my therapists during and between our sessions, I can't really talk about myself and feel guilty and embarrassed every time I do talk about something. 

I absolutely don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry if this post is chaotic, I tried my best to structure my thoughts.