Ehh, I've thought about posting this for some time... and it's probably going to come out like rambling. But I'm good at pushing things off and getting to things when I get to things. Honestly I feel like a shell of a person, not happy not sad just running through the motions of life. When going out, I usually putting on the mask of I'm a normal person having a good time. I walk around home feeling sorrow, or like I've lost someone in my life, or nothing at all.. I've been married for 13 years now, and she's ready to leave or is leaving. I've never been a touchy feely type guy. My wife on the other hand is, she wants to talk and I never have anything to talk about. I've been working from home since covid so nothing really going on in my life. She was working from home for some time but she still expected to have a conversation about something, I work in IT and don't like explaining what I do. It seems like pointless information for her. That leaves me very little to talk about. I have no idea how my relationships start off so "well" then dwindle into me just being an empty man. She says she is jealous of my co-workers, she hears me in meetings with them and says I'm having a good time. I have no idea why I can be that person for meetings and not for my home life. Really I don't understand why dont have a normal set of feelings.

The worst part is when she was leaving I was upset for about an hour or hour and half then I went back to being my empty self again.

I highly doubt how I feel is anywhere close to what others are feeling. I've also been on medications for 20ish years and I feel the pursuit of happiness is a waste of time. Really when I was thinking of posting before, it was because about once a day I was having bad thoughts (we will keep it PG). I don't talk about those thoughts because it just causes people to be overconserned and give suggestions that I feel like they are basic or a waste of time. Then when I talk to my Doctor it's just upping medications or trying some new medication.

Anyhow, with this post it got a bit derailed since my wife is sick of my $#!t and I don't blame her. If I wasnt happy for the last three years I would try to move on also. I had other things I wanted to add but I feel like that would just make the post way too long.