Recently lost my job due to a mass lay off, now collecting unemployment which is next to nothing. Then very abruptly lost my cousin to melanoma, but the biggest hit is losing my girlfriend of the last four years, honestly thought this was going to be the one I marry, have kids with and spend the rest of my life with, have been through so much together. The worst part is that I had just signed a new lease on our apartment in December for another 13 months, she's never been on the lease even though she and I have lived here together from the beginning, four years ago, which never concerned me because I thought I could trust her to stick around and honor the lease with me, but now she has already moved into a friend's house just one day after breaking up with me completely out of nowhere. I obviously can't afford the apartment by myself and now have absolutely no idea what to do. Even prior to all of these events I've struggled to  feign even a degree of happiness, have extreme abandonment issues stemming from my dad and other past relations, and now all of these events have left me etiolated, afraid I'll never be able to love or trust anyone again, have zero hope for the future and am at the precipice. I have no friends or family nearby to talk to, not that I would even know how to convey all of this to them and am in the worst way I have ever been, at least in the past thoughts of suicide were just that but now I'm laying here with my 12 gauge loaded sitting next to me and my letters to friends and family written, and ready to be sent...I've never reached out like this before and don't know why I am now, it seems too late and doesn't seem like anything could dissuade me at this point, my conviction seems too strong. I'm really not sure what posting this will accomplish, but if anyone has any inspirational anecdotes...

EDIT: I am still here, everyone says to just wait and if after a day or so I still feel like it's a "good idea" then I can always go through with it then. Still feel the same, if not worse, and it's been several days now. It's not just the recent events, they were just the final straw, it's the total accumulation of so many bad life experiences, I don't really feel sad or upset as much as I feel burnt out and like there's really no positive prospects for the future and nothing worth enduring for. I appreciate you all taking the time to offer kind words and advice, and I wish I were able to respond to each of you independently but it's difficult on a phone.