just fyi this is going to be long. 

F16. i have a problem. many of them lol. 

i have people who live in my head and i don’t know why. they all have their own distinct personalities and mental problems, but take it out on me. 

they are all very much real to me and cause me distress and there’s nothing i can do about it. i am not faking it. i don’t know what they are or why they are here. 

i don’t know if it’s psychosis related, i’ve been psychotic for years now. i have never gotten a diagnosis. mom will not allow me to have therapy or let me talk to anybody.
i suffer mostly visual hallucinations 24/7, paranoia, delusions etc. not so much auditory, if anything it’s rare now, but i’ve had them more when i was younger. they have quieted down over time.

had my first psychotic breakdown at 12-13 where i saw shadow people dancing around me. men and women were screaming at me and yelling my name.

i just don’t know how to help it. or what to do. it’s affecting me and my relationships. and i’m making an attempt to get better. all because of my close friend.

this new person showed up. who i guess is a germaphobe. the last person who was here was a sociopath, but i’m not entirely sure it was all just him. 
i already struggle with feeling empathy and remorse. i can’t remember the last time i felt either of those things. i don’t know why i just can’t care for people and their feelings. i can’t care for anything really. there’s so much more to it, i just don’t care to talk about it. he wanted me to do a lot of things. and he made it feel so good. 

it’s like someone is putting thoughts in my head. they are not mine. 

i see so many gory images. so many fucked up thoughts. but i just think it’s funny. it doesn’t frighten me. i dream about gore and hurting people/animals. a lot. 

i even get urges to. that i have to do my best to control. and not lash out.

i just want these people out of my head. i want to be myself. that’s all i want.