long ass title but basically, my shit ass mother abused me growing up emotionally and given her neglect emotionally that shit became mentally as well. my dad to this day still has no real grasp on mental illness and the severity of it. they're still perfectly happy together, but i don't interact with that bitch at all. i haven't in well over a year. almost 2. given that i'm 17 i still live with her unfortunately. i have a pretty great relationship with my dad however when i remember shit like this it makes me want to split on him. especially since he still can't seem to grasp the concept of what she did to me when i was younger fucking my life up.

he's acknowledged that to this day he still feels guilty over what happened because he felt he should've done more. and that he never in his life thought things would turn out this way. 

it's only in recent months that i realized how bizarre this situation is. usually when one parent is abusive and the other "let it happen", and wasn't abusive themselves too, that person is usually either living in fear of the abusive one or has broken up with the abusive one. my dad doesn't fit either of those.

my dad legitimately is a good person and even if i did ultimately decide to cut him off as well i still could never deny the shit he's done for me and has allowed me to have. but remembering that he essentially is still with my abuser, and basically invalidates the shit i've went through (unintentionally), makes me feel like i'm crazy for not dropping a bomb and never speaking to him again. what hurts most is, feeling like he loves her more than he loves me. and even though i know in his heart he doesn't believe that's true, there are little things occasionally that remind me he will always at best compromise for the 2 of us. i'd never actually "win" anything if my life and hers ever had to intersect for any possible conceivable reason no matter how small.

i just need to hear someone else tell me they're in the same boat cause there is no condensed way to explain this complicated ass mess this is