so, i’ve been dealing with depression for a solid 8 years now. i’m mentally exhausted and physically exhausted as well. i wish i had family here who could be here for me when i relapse, or have an anxiety attack. but the family that i do have tells me that i need to “be happy” and let my “problems” go. i personally think that it’s way easier said than done. trust me, i want to have a normal life, and not cry until i feel numb.. i want to be able to be pessimistic about life, i just can’t. it’s really hard for me to focus on things. i always put everyone else first too, but does anyone ever do that for me? of course not. i’ve learned to accept that, i’ve metered to accept the feeling of absolute loneliness as well. i have zero friends, ive tried to be outgoing and funny to make friends, but in the end it’s too forced and isn’t natural. i hate it when my mom tells me to make friends, or “go out” and “have fun”, in my opinion, it’s useless to try, it seems as if my anxiety and depression always gets the best of me. no matter the situation or circumstances. after years of dealing with my mom and her bullshit, ive become somewhat cold, and numb. i wish i wasn’t, but it’s just who i am now. people tell me to try and forget about what’s happened in the past, since it’s in the past for a reason, but i can’t. all of the pent up anger, frustration, depression, anxiety, and sadness in general prevents me from doing so. i’ve tried to let things go, wether they’re big or small, but they always seem to cloud my mind up. honestly, it just fucking sucks to feel this way all the time, and it sucks to not have anyone by your side to stop you from self harm, or to stop you from throwing up everything you put in your system. i just want a friend, or not ever per say a friend, just someone who can be there for me, someone who understands my pain, someone i can be there for as well.. i need someone to help me escape from my mind/reality for a bit.. just want help. so, if anyone sees this, and you understand how i’m feeling, please let me know, so i don’t feel as alone while going through this..