Not wanting to do anything, not wanting to be anything. Not wanting to be at all. I do NOT necessarily want to die. I just want to have never existed. 

Getting stressed out feeling where I have to pass out and take a nap. Sleeping as an ESCAPE.

People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. Wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go to bed again.

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These are the few comments I read somewhere and relate to myself to give you an understanding of where I am currently. 

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01/07/2022    (01:04)      "PEOPLE I ASK ME WHY I HAD DEPRESSION. I CAME TO KNOW MYSELF, JUST NOW WHY. AFTER BEING DEPRESSED FOR 7/8 YEARS."

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The beginning:

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I can 100% surely say that my depression got triggered when I came to know about the whole minimum requirement of 6.5 CGPA. (It's like minimum requirement to get entrance in good colleges for further masters degree AND for placements/jobs interviews). I wasn't aware of it back then and when I came to know, it was too late. I was in GATE preparation classes back then. After that, I stopped going to college and the classes. Backlog in the last semester made it worse. Because it ripped away my last option to go abroad with a friend. (easier thing at this point was to clear the backlog and go abroad, but only now, I can see it clearly) Then, I saw everyone get ahead in life. Jobs and all. I started staying in my room. And that made it even worse. Watching tv shows seemed like a productivity. Then, tried a few things here and there, but I was dead from inside by then. No passion. People from outside thought I was being lazy and all, but believe or not, even waking up and coming out of bed seemed like hard work at the time. My way to deal with those people not understanding me was to cut strings with them. I stayed at home, they talked things about me and the vicious cycle started. During this period, I found love for the first time in my life. She had depression, too. Perfect match I thought. She left me bcz she thought she was not worthy of being loved by anyone, for my own good in her words. Came back a few times and then left for good finally. At this point, I was sleeping at 7 in morning before my parents wake up. Out of fear of getting caught awake, not because I was sleepy. Used to wake up at around 2 in noon. This became a routine. Neighbors and relatives started talking of course, again. I don't blame them. There are few things we can not understand unless we have been through those things. Some of them even started blaming my parents for allowing me to have a schedule like that, for not being strict, but little did they know, they didn't do shit because I used to threaten them with suicide by now. I never tried it though. May be I didn't want to, may be I didn't have courage or may be (this is what I used to tell myself) because I didn't want my parents to lose the only child. I did research the painless ways to do it though, just in case kind of thing. Been 4 years with depression and without productivity in life. 

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Middle part:

Got engaged in 2020. Covid and all. They called it off. Reason- depression. I forced her because I was not able to give her time, attention and love that she deserved. And, to top it all, I wish she had not hidden a few things about herself and all. (I can't tell those hidden things, because it's not my right to say it in a public forum) Anyways, it was not meant to. Kind of fixed again. Another girl this time. This time we called it off, because she had unreasonable conditions that no guy would ever accept. Just 4 days it lasted. Still, where I live, it counts as failure number 2. (It wasn't even engagement, it was an event where elders tie us down with each other officially) Now people started to sympathies with me. But for me, engagement and all these seemed easier to handle. Because this pain, they see. But the one I suffered for 4 years before the engagement and the one which resulted in engagement getting broken, they still don't see. It's been 6 years total. 

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Current story:

Right now, I again stay at home. Since April, I haven't gone outside of my home. They think it's because I am fed by my parents. I don't need to earn to have something to eat. In some ways, they have valid reasons to think like that, but I am in a different shoe. With no hope. Marriages called off twice. People talk AGAIN. I am useless, I don't work, I stay at home, can't even make a marriage work with a girl. I just wish, even one of them would think about the why behind all these. Hell, my friends think everything is alright in my life, I am settled, parents got money for me to at least not die out of no food, what more do I want. I want sympathy. Love. Understanding. It's like, somehow my parents doing decent has been a curse for me. Just leave me alone if you can't help. Just don't spoil my life by talking about things you don't know or understand. And if I ever got back to myself again, stay away. You don't get to see my shiny version if you weren't there for my dark version.

They are not helping. Instead, they are blaming me for everything. If I die, then only would they think otherwise? This is where I am currently. Had suicidal thoughts earlier too, but they never felt this much strong. It's like, I want to do it just to prove them wrong. To prove that I am not lazy or mentally weak. I just don't have motivation or hope or some word I can't think of. I have been in depression for last 6-8 years. Don't know even the exact period. I just wish people would stop asking those in depression, the reasons why they are the way they are. Sometimes even they don't know why, hell, in some cases, there can be no reason at all. 

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There are a few things I would clarify here: 

The CGPA thing, career, marriage and all... these things work differently in India (especially in a small city and middle class) than some of the western countries. These things have specific time limit within which we need to kind of complete them. It's the way it is. Now, the lazy way to look at this is to give advice to ignore them and all, but I swear, marriage here is not a relationship between 2 adults, it's a social thing. You can't ignore social interference out of the social event.