Hello my fellow people, 


First of all, I feel good to be a member of the community now. The reason I am here is that I have been in a very intense affaire/ beginning relationship with a young woman where a lot has happened. The whole situation hurts me. Never felt this much before for a girl too. I recognize the fearful avoidant traits in her. Altough I know Fearful avoidance is not the same as bpd, I hope to get some help / advice. I hope to learn more about the fearful avoidant dynamics and to better the relationship. 

The main reason I write this, is that I want to get tips how to better the situation between us. And I want to know what you think what is my attachament style.

Advance Information, because maybe otherwise you get a wrong idea of my attachement style, and I want accurate advice :)  : I've never felt this in a relationship and it's not like I go that far for everyone. My personality is, that when I have chosen someone or thing, I will fight for it till the death. And I have chosen her. It's not that I have chosen her because I want a woman or something and I am too needy. In my opinion, I am not desperate to be in a relationship or anything like that. I have had very few relationships because I am very high with standards. 

(this information is important because otherwise the story will maybe come over as that I am more anxious than I really am, and I want that a expert give me advice about my attachement style)

I have done an attachement style test and it said I was mostly secure.

I feel I have much confidence in general.


Here I will tell you about the affaire:

In the very start of our relationship / affaire, I was a bit avoidant, due different reasons. First we all talked online. An example: I left many many hours, sometimes even a day between texting back. Among other things, it felt good to postpone the reaction, I felt that it was better. Afterwards now, I see that maybe she felt comfortable with my avoidant behavior in the very begin of the relationship.

Soon after the avoidant period of me, I became more concerned and soon after the avoidant period of me we experienced deep admiration from both sides, deep feelings, deep conversations about private issues, about the future, feeling of recognition. We both agreed we never felt this before. We said it different times. We talked about soulmates. This all soon in the relationship. Everything was fine this period, and my bit of avoidance at the very beginning went away. I felt that everything was healthy during this period and there were from my side no attachment problems (neither avoidant nor fearful).

In / just after this period, the more 'official' and serious it became, between the intense phases, she started pulling away sometimes, like sometimes ignored me, especially when we talked about serious things. But, after that, she always came back shortly after it but as intense as it was before. The push pull behavior was not very much at this moment yet. But it was there. 

We knew eachother from a mutual friend, and our first contact all ran online. Also online it was very on between us, deepest conversations, statements of love already. But then, when I, or even she asked for a date on a particular day, she always cancelled the appointment the day we actually had the appointment ! When I started to distance myself after this, she didn't want that and she did a lot (also send a nude photo for example) to hold me. This often was the same day after I was distancing. She also said things like please dont go etc. Directly after I was distancing. Also she said I don't want to lose our special connection and I don't want our bond to break. She kept texting and calling me. This all happened the first few times.

After this, and her explanation about the cancelled appointments, I have given it a  chance again and then it was as usual for a while. She also told me about her trauma's at this point. Very deep connection, deep conversations, etc etc, with sometimes a small avoidant moment of her.

Time goes on, and it was as usual. We had good times. It was normal. No attachement problems from my side. Only thing is that she was distancing sometimes. 

I am going to go into a little more detail for the follow event. 

A while later, we would go on facetime, but I was a little later than our appointment. I called her 15 minutes later than agreed. She did not answer for the first time. I thought she was not into me. It's not that I see myself as the cause of all the problems and I immediately thought it was my fault. No, it was something other, why I thought she was not into me. I thought it because I read online everywhere that if a woman is dinstancing herself she is not interested etc etc. That's why I thought that. Not because I dont believe in my worth. Btw, when a woman ignores you, many times that is tryly the case, but, when we talk about attachment problems, this distancing behavior can also have an another cause. Now I know that). 

(Maybe I triggered something with her by calling a little later than the appointment?). 
Later that night I said you must really want be to with me, otherwise it wont work. Then she said 'yes I know honey'. Then she said that she found it difficult to offer what I wanted. (probably she also meant that I've been too demanding for her experience and that triggered it, because I had a lot of demands on what a woman should be like in the beginning, and I told her that too). 

Demanding can have different meanings, it can means 'demanding' in the way you have requirements about how a woman is, personality, looks etc. But in the other sense , 'demanding' can also mean needyness.  

I have been 'demanding' in the way that I demanded a lot of how a woman is. Personality, looks, etc etc. 

Maybe I was too needy for her too, but that stems from her perception and fears. For normal terms I have not been needy. She even said I feel trapped soon in relationships, and she said: ' it's not that you're needy or pushy, it's just my gut feeling. I feel trapped very quickly. '

She said 'Im not enough. ' She said she couldn't offer me enough what I wanted. She said too that she finds it scary to get close emotionally. 

I didn't know what all this was, and I started to distance myself because I thought it was that she didn't like me enough.  (like I told before)

So I unfollowed her. I unfriended her. I thought this avoidant behavioir from her is because she don't like me.( like I told before)  Mostly I not truly wanted to go, but I started distancing because I felt it was better at that moment.
I did also things to trigger a reaction from her. When I did all this, she immediately sought a lot of rapprochement because she did not want to lose me and it was not that she did not like me, she said. She did a lot to keep me from leaving. 

Then the periods of contact and no contact began. She unblocked and blocked eachother over and over. (Sometimes I blocked her too). After this incident, the push and pull has become much more intense. ( The blocking unblocking came especially from her side, probably triggered).

After this, we had a few short periods of no contact.

Then, we had for a longer period, from the end of November to the end of January we had no contact. I had unblocked her again after a few weeks. But she still had me on the block. So after 2 months I received a following instagram request from her. I called her a week after following request. Had a good conversation. The whole situation made her feel bad she said. She was excited that I called and asked a lot of questions. I also liked talking to her again.
I then asked: shall we just have normal contact now? And dont block eachother on everything anymore? Then she said is good. That same night she added me to everything and seemed to be fine again.

A few days later, she suddenly blocked me out of nowhere in an app conversation. After a few days she unblocked me again. I asked her why she did that sometimes, then she said I don't know why, but that's my feeling then. Then I said it looks like fear of commitment anyway and maybe borderline too. She said yes it could be it. 

After this there followed another period of blocking, unblocking, calling etc etc.

We kept in touch each time, but I got often blocked out of nowhere. Then I sometimes blocked her directly after she blocked me. Then she panicked again and called me anonymously that same evening, both privately and on my business phone. And multiple times. 

And the push and pull went on.

One day, a few days after a block period, and we had been in touch a few days before, I sent her a few messages. No response at all. (Ignoring behavior has happened before, then I said if she was ignoring my messages: check it out and bye. Then she immediately panicked and said it was not my fault and she kept sending question marks and all that) . And she said that if she ignores me, it's never meant for me personally. Wtf?!? 

This last time when she ignored my message, now more than 2 months ago, a few fays after she called again after a block periode , I wrote her the following; 'I thought you changed your mind when you called anonymously last week. But nope. Sorry (her name) in the way like this it can't last anymore. I felt more for you than anyone else. But please do not contact us anymore unless it changes. I am not angry and hope you are doing well '.

When she read this she blocked me first. A week later I saw that she had replied (unnecessarily) to an old message from me via another account. She had also unblocked me from everything. She continued to watch my instagram story continuously, and even her best friend too. 
( many many weeks after the time I wrote that text too). 

In the weeks after this, she did a lot to get my attention. Changing profile pictures, making fake accounts with a boy, follow me at my instagram with that etc etc.

Between the things she did sometimes were multiple weeks. 

I called her 2 weeks after the last time she tried to make me jealous. It has been 8 weeks no contact at that moment. She didn't answer. Then I sent her on whatsapp what I thought about the situation. I got blocked on the app after half an hour. I had also sent something on insta but she didn't block me there (very strange) maybe keep an opening?

She didn't react to my message on insta until half a day later. I responded to that again. But further no response.

After I got no response I blocked her on everything and said bye and wont see you again ever because I was annoyed.


Now, however, I want us to have normal contact. And a relationship. How can I best approach this according to you? 

I would like to hear tips from you and you are very welcome. 


Regards, Julien