Since I moved to a new city and also moved in with my boyfriend, I don't recognize myself. I don't know who I am. I don't know if I ever did, but now more than ever I feel completely confused and distraught over my identity and personality. Core parts of who I am, or who I thought I was, are fading away. It's fucking scary.

I don't have the urge to run anymore. I don't feel like I need to escape my environment or my relationship or my abusers or my family. I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm rebuilding my relationship with my father and I have a great therapist and DBT group here and for once in my life I **don't** want to fuck it all up. I don't want to die, or simply isolate myself from the world. I don't want to act out so my BF gets fed up and dumps me so I can be right about everyone abandoning me; I want us to work. I want to make my life worth living. 

And that scares the shit out of me. Suddenly because I actually give a shit about my life, everything feels more real and it hurts a lot. It hurts to realize that I value something that at any moment could be taken away. I've spent my whole life avoiding attachment and now that it's happening, I'm scared. I don't want it. I feel like I'm dying, like something deep inside me is fucking dying and I hate it. I hate every second of it. 

But I also love it. I love parts of me, and parts of my life. I know the things I'm describing are positive. Just... it hurts. I'm afraid, and I feel very alone.