Does anyone else feel like they’re a completely different person than who BPD wants them to be? I (21f) was diagnosed last month and now that I understand my own psychology I’m terrified. I feel like I’m 2 different people. Had my first relationship and I ruined it and him (28m) because of the crushing paranoia that he’ll never love me. Smeared him and everything. Just had an episode in which he had to call 911 on me (He doesn’t use social media so I can’t subdue my anxiety when thinking of him.) But the weird part is I don’t even like him. Yes I like him, but even not knowing about this Ive already moved on kind of. I found someone new and he knows about everything and he’s so supportive but I feel terrible because now that I split white on my ex I’m absolutely obsessed with him. I arguably am way more sexually/mentally/emotionally attracted to my new interest (32m). He’s also exactly my type 👀 I’m so fucking angry though because I’m not even sexually attracted to my ex anymore, not really emotionally attracted anymore either. He’s a skinny white nerd who loves dnd and gaming. I also got into dnd and think I’m going to continue, but other than that im no longer interested. Rationally we wouldn’t even be good friends atp. He has me NC anyways but it’s so frustrating to constantly think about someone who didn’t even make you cum towards the end. Who I over hyped so much and blew his ego up. Like... he’s good in bed and a nice guy but DAMN. I’m so embarrassed I lost all my friends and probably my current partner soon over this guy. It’s so pathetic. He’s such a loser GODDDDD!! Like I’m over here having full blown episodes and feeling like I NEED to talk things out with this guys who’s league I am WAY out of. It was fun when we both thought we were in love and I liked branching out and trying new things, but atp it feels like anytime I’m stressed my BPD screams in my ears that I need to talk to him. I think he might think I’m still in love w him... after all I did say I would kms if he didn’t talk to me 😬🥴 but I’m not. I’m desperately trying to be friends because my brain sees him as an emotional support but he’s already done w me. Cant stop thinking about how he can give his supportive friendship to his best friend who’s BPD episodes actually triggered mine. We did all the same crazy things and his friends actually WANTS him. I just wanna figure out why I want him and find a way to split black or stop splitting altogether. Also I want to explain myself. Other than that I don’t really like this dude or want anything to do with hkm. My brain is just so fucking insane sometimes.