I dread spending time with my family. I have nothing against my family. I have no legitimate reason to. I simply dont get along with them and i dont enjoy their company, like when you are forced in a group project with students you never talk to because you dont get along, thats what it feels like. In life we usually have a choice who we spend time with and are friends with but with family its different, i cant just pick and choose who im blood related to. In social situations i feel so pressured to speak and be present. Im still young and live at my moms house, just me and her and she often goes to see her boyfriend so im alone most of the time, when she is home i feel no pressure to be social and be her company. I feel comfortable and relaxed knowing i can stroll around and do my thing. 

Tomorrow is my grandpas birthday and i happily see him and grandma to wish him happy birthday. Im okey spending an hour or so with family, but when it gets to 5..6..7 hours of keeping up i cant stand it. The fake smile hurts my jaw and gives a throbbing headeache which is probably when the anxiety is taking over. Not knowing what to say, fake laughing at their jokes, listening to their gossip, pretending im feeling fine and like i want to be there is awful. And then knowing my dad and his girlfriend is taking me to their house afterwards so i can stay over extends that even more. Its not like moms house, there i feel fine, comfortable in my bubble. Going to dads house is like im ”going to see dad” i feel like i have to constantly show face and be present and keep a conversation up and going and be entertaining 24/7 and i cant help but dread the fact this is my last day of peace until i have to spend a full day socialising, potentially even longer because im taken to dads house. When i know times like this are coming up i spend the full time coming up to it feeling moody, stressed out and close to tears because i know how emotionally draining it is and how badly i want it over with before its even started. When holidays are over i usually go in my room and cry, with thoughts of how weird, lonely, misunderstood and drained i feel takes over at that point. I hate to see people take it personal, i see how it looks that way when i never visit my dad for example, but its really not. I have nothing against anybody its just so emotionally draining and i have always felt like an outsider like the black sheep in my family, it gives me anxiety like the last thing i want is to be in that moment. Im sure somebody can relate to this. What can i do in situations like this, when all i really want is go lay down in someones bedroom i cant just do that without looking like an asshole. I cant just leave or escape the scene but i feel dumb sitting there completely silent with a throbbing headache close to tears with a big fake smile on my face. I dont know which is worse to not show up, to deal with it for an hour just to show face and then slowly get away from the scene like sit in another room, or to feel like an idiot, silent with crippling anxiety at the dinner table where it all happens but look somewhat polite and normal for blending in. Who knows.