I thought I was in a better place. Date 1 went really well, I got excited. Date 2 also went well, so far as I could tell. She’s not much of a texter, so I hear back from her a few hours later, sometimes the next day. By every objective observation, things are going well. She seemed excited to set up a third date, she squeezed my hands really hard with a happy look in her eyes at the end of our second date (or it might have been pity, I don’t really know the difference sometimes), she laughs at my actually awful jokes. But all the time I spend waiting for her to text back is just sickening. Both the feeling and the action. I feel sick, unwanted, hated, spurned, whatever while waiting to hear from her, and it all melts away when I see her name pop up. I feel disgusted, ashamed, frustrated, angry at myself for being like this.

I guess it really goes to show, pwBPD really are at their worst in relationships (not that I’m in a relationship, but marching in that direction). I had been keeping it pretty well under control for half a year now, and now that I’m trying to be normal again, oops. Cross your fingers for me /r/bpd , I hope my disability application gets approved and I can keep focusing on my health. 