I’m un medicated and have some days where I think, meds might fix (insert quirk here), but I have a fear of medication and I was wondering if anyone felt the same or had any tips? 

When I was first diagnosed, there was not a lot of information given to me, like at all. My doctors could not give a rats tail about me, I noticed, and put me on medication that was certainly not for me, and that was obvious before I tried them. I was in the hospital then, so I had no access to the info for myself. I spent literally DAYS on the internet trying to figure out wtf “bipolar” was and now i know so much about 3 different types but not a clue how they relate to me. I told my doctors that therapy was very helpful to me at the time, but my individual therapist literally withheld a safe therapeutic space from me because i wasn’t participating in every single group zoom therapy like an overzealous freak. (Sorry that’s how I felt about group at the time).

I hear so many stories about folks whose doctors just kinda sit by while they figure out their own medication ??? In the meantime the stuff they’re trying (and a lot of times, the stuff that works for them) is causing HORRIBLE side effects that bring down a person’s quality of life considerably. 

I just don’t understand what the point is? I felt terrible while I was on Lithium, Lamictal, Seroquel, Geodon. I gained 30lbs (and I didn’t start skinny lmao), and developed some kind of allergy to the sun (??? I live in the desert! That’s unacceptable!). And that was only 8 months of that… I quit all my medication cold turkey back in July and I couldn’t imagine where I’d be if I kept up that hope that something better would help. I’d either be better or worse off, but I have felt like a real person again. 

Ultimately professionals were in a position to actually help me through this and they practically refused. My appointments with my post-IP psychiatrist were 45 seconds to 2 minutes long over the phone and he refused me therapy TWICE. How is that gonna do anything and why should I trust that the next doctor will listen? Or that the next medication that ANY doctor puts me on will help me at all? 

I just can’t imagine losing my hair or fucking up my skin or having Parkinson’s-like tremors, etc. just so I don’t cry or get a little too excited (it’s much more than that but still). So what? I’ve been doing that for a decade. It just does not seem like a worthy trade-off. 

Can anyone relate?