I’m never going to have a good personality, I constantly listen to see if people laugh at my jokes, I feel almost guilty doing things I love to do, and I’m never going to be good enough at anything. The people around me are good people, but I know deep down they would really rather be talking to someone else, or doing something else. I’m very good at hiding when Im not okay, so when I even tell people a little about what Im feeling, Im pretty sure they just dismiss it quickly or chalk it down to a ‘phase’ or just a bad day. I lay awake every night trying to cry it all out but I can’t, because that would be selfish. I have a great life, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. My mind constantly thinks up new horrible things that I don’t want to think, but I can’t get the thoughts out of my head, my kindness isn’t genuine, nothing I do is genuine, I might say something nice, but do I really mean it? I’m an attention seeker and people feel like they have to put up with me. Even this post is attention seeking, even if maybe I just need someone to listen to me. If I create something someone’s going to do it better, and that makes me jealous, because they can do something better than me. Why can’t I just accept the fact that people in the world don’t care about anything I do. I’m never going to be likeable, or truly nice, I don’t deserve the things I have because I think about things that I don’t want to think about constantly and it’s ruining my life. The worst part is, no one knows. I guess I’m not the type of person to have ‘mental illness’. Im going to constantly overanalyse everything everyone says and they’ll forget about it and no one is going to care.
Im sorry, this is a throwaway, even when no one knows who I am Im still an attention seeker.
Im writing this at 11:30 PM, sorry for making you read that. Im a horrible person for trying too cry about this.