For a while there I felt like I was getting better but today was a horrible day. Alot of the time the good days seem like small progressive steps into a happy life but the bad days are always a massive leap backwards. I have low highs and high lows and I hate it. 

I can't see myself marrying anyone. Even dating anyone. I just don't know how to talk...to anyone. Even with my friends lately it always feel like an awkward interaction. I'm getting deeper and deeper each week into my head and I don't know how to get out of it and live in the moment. 

I'm afraid to commit....but when I think about how it would be....to not feel anything....that feels better to me than a constant awkward feeling whenever I'm around people. What makes it worse is that I never used to be like this. So it's a feeling that I have to get used to? But I don't want to. Nothingness seems better the more I compare it to anything that makes me feel a type of way.