I feel like my whole head will explode because I just cannot endure another thought from myself. It's like a prison I built myself. I'm extremely depressed and I worry 24/7. I'm supposed to move out to a different city in a month so I can finish my last year of college and be a full time working student, a job which has been hard to find. The pressure is extreme and it doesn't help that I'm on hormonal birth control which makes things a 100 times worse. I'm out with my boyfriend and his friends and all I can think is of dying, we have a great night and we go to sleep, and there he is content and sleeping and all I am thinking of is dying. I can't muster up the courage to tell him how I've been feeling, the only thing I can do now is snap at him for something minor he does. I do the same thing to my mother and everyone I can find. I think subconsciously I've been trying to push them away so if I end up dying it will be easier on them.   
I'm terrified of death but I can't stand myself, I want this to stop, I feel like screaming I want to hit my head against the wall so the thoughts will stop. Therapy would be hard for me to go to, when I find a job and start my classes I will be busy the whole week from 9am to 11pm. I feel like I'm pushed against the wall and I did this to myself. No one understands just how insufferable has been to live with myself. And slowly I've been becoming insufferable to everyone else too.