So around 2 months ago I met my friend, they're very supportive and loving and open about it. I don't often have to wonder if they're mad at me or anything, and they constantly tell me that they love me. my lizard brain developed a weird dependence with them, obviously. my friend has another closer friend, i honest to god don’t mind their friend, I like them even! but I can’t be in denial about it: I wanna be number 1 in their minds. I know how weird, gross, jealous and selfish that is and it sucks. I literally have been trying my absolute best to hang back from making sexual innuendos in the conversation. I'm not even sure I'm attracted to them, I just know they find me attractive and my fucking brain wants to weaponize that. I really don't want to give into those fucking impulses because I know how fast I’ll ruin our friendship then, that sucks. sucks how fast I am to sexualize myself for others to prove my worth, sucks how I can’t handle not being someones priority because it feels like neglect, just sucks in general. BPD sucks.