Yesterday was really traumatic for me. I'm 26 years old and all the bullshit I've dealt with from bullies all came flooding back because a **GROWN WOMAN** approaching her 40s was vindictive and jealous.

I perform theatre and I was in a princess sing-a-long show as Belle. I came up for the idea for the show and asked the director if I could be her because I've played the role before. If he had said no I would have been fine with another princess. I really don't care about these things. But when it was discussed with the fully company on our Facebook group this woman got all up in arms about wanting to be Belle. Eventually she just acted like a bitter child and was like "Fine, I'll be Ariel" even though I said I would be Ariel as long as I could wear a dress and not a bikini.

So fast forward to our show yesterday. Everything went really well, but she was moody the whole time, which is really unfair to the kids. But that's none of my business. I tried to use my mindfulness coping to not internalize her emotions. However, I know she wasn't happy with her costume and she kept giving me dirty looks because I got my own dress and it's high quality because I want to use it for conventions or freelance party work. Still, I tried to ignore it even though it was making me uncomfortable. 

After the event was over I got undressed and I was soon pulled aside by the director and he asked me to come upstairs to talk with the head of the theater. I thought it was marketing related because I do some marketing for them and they're corporate so they're very picky and I could have made a mistake.

No. Turns out I was being reprimanded for allegedly ***exposing*** myself at a rehearsal. "People" (of course they wouldn't give me a number or names) complained that I was backstage not wearing a bra. What actually happened was I had gotten dressed in the bathroom, but when I came out into the main dressing room there was an issue with my hoop skirt so I had to take the dress off. I wasn't wearing a bra, but I covered myself with my arms for a moment - maybe three minutes tops. Then I used my dressed to cover myself. I don't know what was said exactly, but whoever complained made it sound like I was literally walking around with my boobs out. I have body image issues so I would **NEVER** do that. Sure, I've had casual partners, but there's a difference between strutting around a bedroom naked and the backstage of a theater with other actors present. 

They said they technically should be writing me up and if corporate saw it I would definitely be ***fired***. However, they said they knew I didn't do it on purpose and they took into consideration how much I do for the theater. I ended up getting emotional because at first I didn't know who said anything and it brought back memories of being ostracized and hated by people I thought were my friends in middle school, high school, and early college. Also, I've been at the brunt of a lot of stuff from other actors as well who find a problem with me despite the fact that I try to be nice to everyone, do my job, and just have fun. But no - everyone talks behind my back and makes up lies like this situation. My bosses tried to make me feel better by saying people might be jealous because (their words) I'm beautiful, talented, and smart, but I'm just the kind of person who can't comprehend why someone would try to cause someone to lose their job because they were jealous over a princess sing-a-long of all things.

So last night I pieced it together. The head of the theater wasn't there on Tuesday and the theater was closed on Wednesday. The woman who was pissed about not being Belle disappeared yesterday when we were all getting ready for a long time. It's not rocket science to figure out she was upstairs reporting me. I'm just truly disgusted. It also doesn't help that she has leverage and musical directs a lot of shows so now even if I did another show there I might have to deal with her bias and not get a role I might deserve.

I struggle with depression (bipolar II) and anxiety along with having BPD traits and I have already been bullied a lot at this theater. I would leave, but I've been performing there since I was 10 years old and I don't want to be pushed out by a bunch of bullies and let them win. At this point it seems like the only option though. Now the director is mad at me and I feel humiliated. I'm supposed to audition for a show at another theater on Sunday, but now I don't even know if I want to. I don't feel like being around anyone. I only have a few close friends left and even they have been flakey lately. 

I have such strong feelings of anger that I keep thinking about finding a way to get her back. I would never actually act upon it and I feel guilty for having these thoughts, but they told me they should have FIRED me but were giving me another chance. I want her to pay. I wish I could let it go and move on and not care, but it just makes it feel like people will never stop trying to make my life miserable. I want someone to learn their lesson for once.

And the thing is I feel like this will never end because I'm me. Someone will always hate me and I'll never be able to regulate my emotions. I did DBT, but it didn't stick. I'm so lost right now. And angry. And hurt. And scared.