Hey Reddit 🙏 this is my first post here so please be nice 😫

I’ve just turned 30 (f) and can’t help but feel super behind and stressed out about my life and career.

I still live with my parents, am unemployed (and am trying to pay off student debt), have a fine arts degree, tried to work in tech and design but hated it (as a women of colour I found it oppressive and abusive) and am just really questioning every decision I’ve ever made in life. I spent my university years (20-25) on the east coast where I made so many creative friends, was a part of arts communities, and was overall super involved in the city and had lots of ambition / potential. Had a great network, social life, hobbies, everything. 

Since moving back home with my parents on the west coast after a really bad / traumatic breakup that affected my career trajectory and friend group (they were related), I’ve been feeling super isolated, lost, and lacking energy to get back on my feet. 

It’s been a few years now, but I’ve still been feeling too afraid to go back east even though that’s where I feel I belong. Too afraid to confront my past or run into my ex, too afraid to show up with nothing accomplished, too afraid that I’ll run out of money and will have to take on a job that’ll affect my mental health and well-being again… I don’t know. Maybe I have a big ego but I’m also traumatized by the breakup, running into people related to it, and how behind I might feel when I meet up again with old friends. 

I don’t know what to do, but what I do know is that I want to move out of my parents house and be in a city / culture that values the arts again. I miss the east coast. I miss feeling like myself, feeling in control of my life, and being a part of a community. The loneliness is terrible out here and I feel like my family will never understand. The friends I do have here I feel like I’ve outgrown or can’t relate to because of the move out east in my early 20’s.

My parents have been super caring and supportive of me but sometimes I feel like it’s enabling too much comfort and stagnation and I don’t deserve it. That I would be better off if they just kicked me out already and I learn the hard way.

For some more context, my family is of Filipino descent (so very catering, religious, traditional), I’m female, used to live in Montréal for university but am now in Vancouver with family. Younger sister has a stable job, no student debt, friends, and is moving out on her own soon which makes me feel even more like a failure and lonely. My parents keep telling me to go back to school but I have no money. I feel so guilty when they try to help financially because I know they don’t really have money either. I envy my sister for taking the stable path in life, working hard, and having more money than me to travel and move out. I wish I could be happy for her nowadays but it’s hard. I just want to feel happy, independent, and empowered. How I used to feel in my early 20’s when I was living away from home. 

TLDR:

What do you do when fear engulfs you to the point where you don’t know what to do with your life anymore? How do you get out of depression when you feel worthless, have no job, have to deal with student debt, no friends, and are too afraid to move out and fail or experience trauma / a bad breakup again?

Please help. Any advice welcome 😢 I feel constantly stagnant and stuck because of this mental state / environment. Apologize in advance if any of this sounds like a first world problem. I realize I am very privileged to even be in this situation with loving parents, not paying rent, and a roof over my head.