Now I’ve had issues all my life. For sure suffer ADD, Intermittent Depression and Anxiety. I’ve dated more guys than I can count in 25 years of life. Only a few actually turned into relationships. I had a man I was seeing for about a year last year and things turned really nasty. All of my other relationships I kinda self sabotaged or broke up with them. But the breakups were relatively normal. So I have relationships issues I know but not BPD level with these men. 

My recent ex I felt suicidal I wanted to kill myself constantly, we fought constantly and made up, ( he never apologized we just moved like it never happened) he valued and devalued me constantly. I tried to leave so many times but I was so emotionally dependent on him that I told him to leave me first and he would comply for a little bit then come back and act like nothing changed. I felt like I was being gaslit all the time. I don’t know if I was the abuser or abused. I genuinely at that time felt like he was emotionally abuse and would deny my version of events but what if I was over reacting. I tried so hard to get along with him I felt like but nothing I did would stop the fights, but when things were good they were amazing like he was my best friend and I clung so hard to him. I was verbally abusive when I felt like he wanted to leave me. I threatened to and did hurt myself,( which I hadn’t done since middle school). Broke plates, cut myself, punched myself. All because he wanted to leave after a fight ( regardless of who’s fault it was). 

As far as how things ended, I ended up getting a restraining order filled out against me for calling him 50 times, and showing up to his house and damaging his car( at that point I wanted out of this codependent relationship so bad I didn’t care if had to die to get out). I told the police he hurt me, which was an exaggeration of a fight where he got physical with me. ( he DID hurt me but not as bad as I spun the story). Got a restraining order granted against him and still tried to talk to him afterwards. I dropped it and he dropped his without going to court. I spent months trying to get him to forgive me and he ignored me. (He would ignore me a lot through the yearlong relationship ) I gave up and stopped the pursuit. I feel a lot of remorse about the situation. Regardless of how much he hurt me I shouldn’t have done any of that. At the time I felt fragile and didn’t see an amicable way out of this. I had tried. 

Since we’ve been apart I’ve been so much happier, made more friends, kept a stable job. No self harm/suicidal behaviors. I’ve hooked up with a few guys here and there but nothing serious. I tried to date a man I was interested in and I felt like I kept getting flashbacks to my old relationship and unconsciously making it toxic and he called me a narcissist for some of my behavior. I was kinda hurt because I was not consciously trying to do anything to hurt him. I wanted to make him happy so bad. It hurt me when he dumped me but so far I’ve left him alone and been trying to move on.

Am I broken from my last relationship? Or do people with BPD tend to have only certain explosive relationships? I want to reiterate that I’ve never had these kinds of issues with any other man I’ve dated before my ex. But I feel like I’m doomed to repeat myself with any other man I date.