usually i’m very good at making friend and stuff. i would not say i’m an “extrovert” (unless on mania) but it’s rlly not a burden to talk to people at all. thing is, i have quite a lot of friends actually. i don’t think i trust them at all tbh. most of them are “party friends” people i usually meet when i’m on my highs.
i do have some very close and special friends, which we share a lot about our mental struggles.
unfortunately this last month i had this terrible depressive episode and as i usually do, i ghosted everyone
i just think it’s better to not reach to anyone because i know that the things i’ll do or say wont be ME. i’ll probably find something to discuss or be pissed about with them. and i don’t think that even me opening up in detail about how my episodes work would help them understanding it well. 
i feel shit tbh bc the whole “being pissed” at something always happens when i dip. that’s why i avoid talking to people i like. this last time one of my friends got pissed bc i didn’t answer them (they were complaining about their weight, and i don’t wanna sound like a dick but tbh do u really think i’d care enough about that while i’m having what was literally my worst episode of the year🫠 istg even time was moving slower) 
but sometimes i really think like “am i toxic? am i just a bad person?”
i seen a lot of times bipolar people being labeled as toxic and manipulative and it makes no sense but sometimes i question myself that.
do i feel too much or not enough ? am i just a narcissist? 
honestly i dont even know why i’m writing this but lmk what u guys think &lt;3 hope whoever is reading has a great day