 

There's so so much to our relationship that I cant type it all so I'll do my best to keep this short and simple. We have been together for over 4 years. We used to live together but she took an overdose in January so we decided it would be best for her to move back home with her mother whilst she recovered and went through therapy etc. She lives about 2 hours drive away, so I go to see her at weekends like I used to before we moved in together. I have suffered with terrible anxiety for years along with Retroactive Jealousy disorder and intrusive thoughts. I had got good at blocking out these things, but with her living away, I have slowly slipped back into it. I have recently started therapy for this, which has re opened a lot of my wounds so to speak. Anyone that has experienced this will know what I mean.

The majority of my intrusive thoughts and anxieties are sexual, graphic mental movies or sexual thoughts of not being good enough or satisfying her, so she has to find someone else etc. She's never really been overly sexual and hasn't masturbated much before. I know I can make her finish through oral or using my hands/fingers etc, but when we have penetrative sex I finish quite fast, not prematurely but a few minutes I'd say, which can't be enjoyable for her even if she says it is. I should also say that due to the age difference she has had previous partners, whereas she was my first proper sexual partner. My biggest insecurities are all around sex. I have anxieties like, am I good enough? Does she enjoy it? When she closes her eyes, is she thinking of other people? Do I compare to her exes? So on and so forth.

I was kinda dealing with that and getting on with it but recently she has got more sexual, which was good for me, even though I thought it had come out of nowhere. But then the other day I found some toys that she uses on her own and doesn't want us to use them together. Which obviously triggered my anxiety and insecurities massively, so I caved in and had to ask her. It was a calm conversation as we never raise our voice or argue aggressively. She told me that I do satisfy her but when it's on her own she is able to clear her mind, enjoy it and not worry about making me finish too. I asked if she thinks of other people or anything like that and she says no, but then my head tells me she would say that even if it wasn't the case. So I can't win. She says she just reads erotica, but then that also hits my insecurities as I don't masturbate or watch porn at all these days, as she is all I want. Would that not mean I am not enough if she has to use other things to stimulate her? I trust her completely and know she wouldn't be unfaithful but it plays on my mind. Asking for constant reassurance just makes things worse.

As we don't live together we can't have a face to face conversation so it's all over text as we are both busy until we can call. She got annoyed and said she wanted some time to herself before she said something she regretted, which in my head would be her saying something that confirms my insecurities.What else could she regret saying? She also said she isn't happy analyzing her sex toys and having her personal moments twisted in a way that makes me feel bad as its not fair and not ok. Which I completely agree with but I cannot help it. I don't know how to believe her when she says things, even if it's what I want to hear, my head just tells me she is just saying it.

So I would like some advice on what I should do. I am getting help for my intrusive thoughts and anxiety, but I feel that my insecurities are genuine and not a product I've made up in my mind. How do I accept it and stop bothering about it? How do I accept what she says as truth and just let her masturbate however she likes? I have so much bouncing around in my head and would appreciate others thoughts on the matter please