I feel like I self sabotage anytime I start to get stable in any area of my life. Here's a couple of examples:

1. I actually get a decent job and start working on my goals, but as soon as one bad or stressful thing happens I decide I'm going to run away to another city/state with no plan and no money in some cases.

2. I had a roommate who I was renting a room from, and she was charging me **much** less than the area average. A week after moving in, i quit my job (where she was also my coworker). I tell her it was because of issues with the bus schedule, which was partly true. She goes easy on me with rent for a couple weeks. I start work through a temp agency with daily pay, but instead of just paying my rent I decide to spend my money on random stuff I don't need. After being warned multiple times to pay my rent, my roommate gives me the boot, which I still got angry about.

3. After this, I was staying in a homeless shelter that was offering me an apartment through their Supportive Housing program. I was waiting for my paycheck so that I could pay the rent and deposit (30% of my income). I knew that the rules were that I could have only one overnight pass, and that if I got kicked out or left the shelter, the apartment offer would be rescinded. I also knew my friend had a big Halloween party coming up that would involve me staying out due to bus service. Instead of saving my overnight for the party as I originally intended, I decided to spend the night at my then-FP's house because I wasn't feeling well and needed cuddles. However, instead of accepting that I would need to miss the party in order to keep my housing offer, I decided to say "Fuck it" and go anyway. Obviously I lost my housing offer and my bed at the shelter. Furthermore, I lost my job, had to leave the state, and was forced to move back in with my "friend" who treats me like shit because I had no other option.

These are a few major ones...there are some others (such as purposely overdrafting my bank account to get extra money knowing I couldn't pay it back). I'm really sick of it because it's like I know what I'm doing is going to screw me over but it's like I can't stop myself. I'm in another upswing right now and I'm so scared I'm just going to find some way to sabotage it again. It's almost like I subconsciously **like** being homeless, broke, and unstable.

Does anyone else do this? What are some things ya'll have experienced in terms of this? What has worked for you in terms of controlling it?

TL;DR: I have a bad habit of sabotaging anything good that happens to me, and my life sucks because of it.

P.S. I also want to thank everyone on here for being so awesome and supportive. I know I've been posting a ton on different topics...I've never really had other BPD/bipolar people to bounce things off of, so I'm getting out all the questions and concerns that have built up over the years. 😂