TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, self harm, and probably more.


As I write this I lay in bed  after sleeping so much I can't anymore. Ive been a screw up since kindergarten. And now that I think about it I might have had this alot farther back than I ever remember. I ran out of weed and it's the only thing that distracts me sort of from the pain. I'm so tired. Every day getting up to an empty house, can't work because my mind is so broken I can barely function. I can't talk to people unless I know them already, live in a neighborhood of strangers who mostly avoid me when they see me, or cross the street when they see me approach. I haven't dated in years because my self esteem is so low I get compliments on my body and will NEVER see what they see. I don't know how and can't. The funny part is women are interested, but I don't even get invested because I know I'll scare her off when she talks to me and find out how dark my mind is. 

I'm undiagnosed but not of my own fault. I've tried to get a diagnosis but my health care just gives me the run around. I know I have this. The impulsivity I show when I walk into traffic hoping to get hit by a car, the incredible burning sensation I feel when I know my adrenaline spikes and I'm very close to doing something off impulse. Waking up and playing a song that makes me smile only to say good morning to a person in my neighborhood just for them to ignore me and remind me I'm a worthless POS. the only woman who does want me is a girl I'm not attracted to who honestly probably just wants me for my body more than my mind. She always tells me I'm tall. She calls me a god. idk wtf she sees lol. Abs, muscles whatever, none of it matters. And I realize that. My body is just a derelict meat sack. A subjectively attractive one but my point stands. I'll be feeding worms before I'm 40 I know it. 

Every day I get ignored by one person and from then on I usually withdraw to my empty apartment in San Francisco by myself where only my fan gives me company. To think people dream to be where I am. HA. this city is only good if your a social butterfly. I'm a 6 foot 3 athletically built social anxiety ridden depressive, dry humored, monstrous, angry, bitter, sorry, worthless husk of a man. 

My father never had luck with women. He was a bookworm with no female attention. I've seen him with two girlfriends my entire life and BOTH we're essentially set up by his brother's wife (her friends). He has nothing to teach me and so I became a shy broken, socially anxious loser like him. Hell I lost my virginity before he did! And so every time I hear "you don't have any kids" from a woman I know is obviously flirting with me I just think "and I never will. One thing I will NEVER do is bring another human being in this world knowing I don't know how to be a man." I can't teach him. And if I had a daughter I can't teach her. 

I don't know why people speak of men with BPD as manipulative horrible people. I love hard. I'd die for those I love. I maintain my dignity. ive never lied to get into anyone's pants, and I never will. Im a selfless partner to the point I want her to get hers even if I don't. I open doors for people.   I try to compliment people. I try to be a gentleman. But I realized none of that is enough. I'm so damn broken no amount of attractivity will make me desirable because why would you want me if you could have another man who isn't a broken person. Then I remember women usually find men desirable when other women do. 

I've been wanting to cut so bad just to punish myself for being this abomination. Fighting the urge to stab myself just to hurt the human waste I see staring back at me in the mirror. Depression, inferiority complex, social anxiety, anxiety, BPD (undiagnosed but I have every single symptom almost daily). And on top of that my dad raised a failed man. I'm almost certain I'll be dead of my own hand before 40 and tbh if I had a 🔫 I wouldn't even be here now. I'm scared to die though. Scared of the unknown. Not even a month ago I almost stabbed someone because I had a Borderline episode and had meat sheers in my pocket hoping someone would test me ... Reminds me that I should probably kill myself for the benefit of the human race. This is what 4 years of loneliness and rejection with depression and BPD does to a person... And yet the second someone smiles at me I love people again 😭😭.

My self worth is non existent and the second I feel like I matter a few women in my neighborhood ignore me when I try to say hi and then I'm kicked right back into reality. I'm nothing. And no self respecting woman would ever want me. And that's okay. They don't owe me anything. I have no anger toward women. I'm far from an incel. They don't even owe me a smile. But what man doesn't feel better after having gotten one?  I'd be lying if I said I didn't have guilt and shame this is who I became. A broken man.  A beautiful husk. A  handsome rock. 

I know as I post this I'll likely end up deleting it later because I've been down this road before. Social rejection is everywhere for me. And that includes reddit , ig, FB and all others. That's why I delete my accounts 4 times a year only to come back when I realize I have no friends in my city. Almost none period. I've lost hope at 27. And I think at this point it's only a matter of time until my impulsivity gets the best of me. I've cried heavily the last 4 years and spent most of the pandemic alone. I just want the hell to be over. Just wanna be gone. 


TLDR I'm a monster who has been a screw up since kindergarten who now as an adult hasn't dated in a long time and my lack of people skills compounded with my low self esteem, and multiple other mental illnesses has made me a husk of a man. I love with shame and it's too much. I just want to be gone so other people can flourish. The world deserves that much. 


Note: sorry if I didn't do the TLDR right. I don't fully understand the concept. I read the rules. Hopefully I didn't spend 50 minutes for nothing.