I’ll try to make this as abridged as possible:

In December 2020, my favorite person had confided in me that she had hooked up with another woman. I was extremely upset over this and I’ve developed what felt like heart attack like feelings I think??? (I’m a little stoned hi.) but long story short I was so devastated about this that I spent close to two years crying and being upset over it. Also, my dumbass developed feelings for her because she was genuinely nice to me and my broken ass will just fall for anyone who dares is so much give me a crumb of attention. She turned me down a couple of times because she realized how easy it would’ve been to take advantage of me but of course my fucking BPD ass couldn’t handle rejection and well… I just ended up boiling that shit until my stupid ass decided be a good idea to blow up on her and have her basically feel the exact same kind of hurt that she gave to me.

Cut to nearly 3 weeks ago and my friend and I have an argument. I blew up in her face about the previous relationship that she got into and I also said some incredibly cruel things about her polyamorous status. (I know really fucked up in hindsight. Unfortunately I have a bias against polyamorous people. Blame my abusive exes for that and my BPD because I’m a jealous piece of shit who can’t deal with being involved with multiple people at once.) granted I was more upset about the age gap and how she played up that whole “how mature she was for her age“ but alas I couldn’t make that be abundantly clear. 

anyways, she laid it out on me that the relationship in question was not good and that said girl she was dating basically didn’t tell her boyfriend about it at all. And she rightfully threatened to sever ties with me considering that I had greatly offended her in it take a lot for her to be offended by things. I did apologize however I feel like I only gave her a phony ass apology just so I could cover my ass. (Which is unfortunately something I tend to do a lot. I had just have a bad habit of saying and doing some cool shit to my partners/friends, only to expecting mediate forgiveness after the fact all because I said sorry.) even know she understood where I was coming from, she flat out said that she wants space it doesn’t want to speak to me for a little while. I don’t know what she means by that, but I just have a strong feeling that it’s gonna turn into months of being ignored again.

It even even even if I were to have a conversation with her, I feel like the only thing I would do is just try to justify my BPD in some way. I can already hear myself just saying “well I have borderline personality disorder and I’m trying to work on that.“ Or just accidentally saying something that could potentially sound like I don’t accept her for being poly. I just don’t wanna lose her because I do genuinely love her and I never realize how much of a piece of shit I’ve been to her and not genuinely appreciate it our friendship. What exactly should I say to her should it happen???

TLDR: I caught feelings for my favorite person two years ago, she turned me down because she realized how easy it was to take it vantage of me, hook up with somebody else and I was upset about it for over two years, and I proceeded to blow up on her in a fucked up attempt to get even with her for hurting me by dating someone else and rejecting me.