(This is a vent post but I'm also very desperate for any kind of advice. If you have experience with anything like this, please suggest a coping method or share your story :) )

I was going to start with explaining my relationship with this person but just thinking or talking about it brings me pain, makes me overthink and burst into tears only to feel numb in a few seconds. 
So long story short, I was in a "relationship" with someone for about 2.5 months. very short i know, but now that i look back at it i feel like i lost a chunk of my life, since i focused everything in my life around him.
he knew about my bpd and was very supportive- and since i'm a quiet borderline i never split on him visibly, i would just withdraw from him so I wouldn't say anything hurtful. but i got so attached that i would spiral every time he wasn't there. as soon as he was it would end.
i never got to develop a better coping mechanism before i found out he was cheating on me. i think that's where i should stop talking about him.

i was very hurt and cut him off immediately, blocked him, deleted everything, and tried very very hard to surround myself with friends and family, tried to engage in stuff that made me feel better, and i'm halfway there i think, but i never truly let out how i felt about myself in this situation. so i'm gonna talk about my feelings a little bit. 
i get very annoyed at myself for being so extremely attached to people. i hate the feeling so much. it feels like i'm giving up my identity for validation. I'd compare it to addiction. i just want to be independent, but independence feels like loneliness to me. i ether attach too hard or detach too hard. i go to such lengths to make my fps/partners like me more, like oversexualising myself, playing a "wife role", being a complete people pleaser etc..

i recognize now that it wasn't a relationship i would want for the long term. i'm trying to accept the harsh truth, and im actually handling everything really well. (compared to a few years ago when i was in the exact same situation and i fell apart, acted very impulsive and even ended up in ER at one point and was almost hospitalized) i have some kind of authority over myself this time. i made progress because of him and i decided, instead of falling apart , i could try very hard to turn it into real progress. i have tried very hard to move on from breakups in the past, and every time i get my heart broken i also get better at moving on, i guess i somehow realised that if i let myself fall apart every time i probably wouldn't be alive right now, because that's how bad i can get. 

i'm still struggling with feeling unlovable and unworthy though. i gave all of myself and more to one person but it just wasn't enough? and i was so sure he was the one. i feel so naive. especially because in the beginning i had a hard time trusting him and had to train myself to finally trust him, only to be proven wrong? i feel like i might never trust a guy again. is it even worth it building trust again when so many of my past partners have disappointed me? is that how people see me? as a little emotionally unstable woman who just needs a bit of validation and she'll do everything for you? am i a doormat? i wish i could find a middle ground. 

i'm not being treated right now, but i will be very soon . last time i vented on here i gathered up the courage to book an appointment after years of not being in therapy, so i'm here again hoping i can gain from it. i already feel a bit better after letting it out.

any kind of advice or support is highly wanted and appreciated:)