On Friday night I had a really bad episode. 
I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years, and at times it felt like heaven but most of the time it was hell. I attribute that to my bpd. I didn’t realize I had bpd until 2 years ago when I was diagnosed. Anyways, the relationship ended on bad terms, we would break up and get back together a lot but in January it was for good, I had split and said really mean things and he had just blocked me off of everything and that has been that since. I’m still not over him and I feel paralyzed I feel stuck and I’m scared. It scares me that I’m forgetting the sound of his voice his smile his smell. Usually every two months I find a phone where I can call him just to hear his voice and tell him I miss him. Two months ago I was drunk and went to his house because I was just aching for him. I wanted him back. But he said I had broke him with the things I said and diminished his confidence and he’s finally getting it back now and he needs time. He said he had met someone that was able to make him feel good about himself but he didn’t love her. I had also met someone else who is amazing in every sense but it isn’t the same because I can’t get over my ex, it felt like we were the only two people in the world when were together. Last Friday I got drunk and I split I started screaming crying hitting wanting to hurt myself even, I called my ex 17 times I had just missed him and I was also angry about how things ended and how he had picked up and left one day and how he had cheated on me. I don’t really remember the things I say when I get that hysterical I kind of black out? But I just remember saying he is now in love with his new gf. I just want to move on, I want to forget. I think about him everyday, a lot of things remind me of him and it hurts and what hurts even more is that he isn’t even hurting. I don’t know what to do, I really care and like the new guy I’ve been seeing and he makes me better, he makes me want to be better too.  but I can’t seem to move on.