Person I broke up with was my only relationship, only lasted 3 months before I left. She has self-harmed and had suicide attemps but is still taking classes, learned a new language, was planning and talking about her future plans of living abroad and shit with all smiley face and hope.

My only half-friend who I rarely talk to, is attending important college events and shit. Goes into online classes and doesn't have these depressive breakdowns like I do. Even the random guys in the class seem happy or content to be there, just living their lives as usual. Why can't I do that?

My whole life feels like a dream. I lived most of my life on auto-pilot, dissociated. No desires, no aspirations,  no goals, I don't know why I can't go and make the same plans and be hopeful or something. I can't do anything. What's the point? I will fail classes this time for sure. I can't move and live in my own live. It's like being paralyzed. Just bury me, it'd be the same thing. I can't even "live." I'm literally doing nothing and going nowhere.