Tw - suicide/selfharm 
(Also I hope this is okay, I've been writing to try to heal from a really really painful breakup from my FP and I think I figured something out)

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Yesterday I was listening to music to try to cope with my really wild feelings and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I resonated with some of the lyrics. 'You broke my heart just once or twice and I'd let you do it a million times cuz I got addicted to the rush'. 'Being ignored killed me but your attention meant the most to me but I couldn't see, you were intoxicating me'.

I was so addicted to you I forgot to look out for myself. I can see now why you left. I gave you my everything, heart, soul, happiness, and I didn't leave any left for myself. I don't love me. I felt like you ran away with all my love. I didn't leave enough left for myself. It felt like the only thing left was pain but 'holding on hurts more than letting go'. I have experienced so much pain in my life and today is the day we get free.

Everyday hurts less and less. I wrote you a letter during a few really high intensity moments and yesterday after I packed up your things I burnt it. I chose to let it go.

R and C had some friends over for social distance drinks and a fire and C's girlfriend B was so kind to me. She invited Bandit and me for a hike to the place we always wanted to take him but never got the chance. She did that just to be nice and to help support me, a complete stranger to her, because she knew I was having a really hard time.

I didn't have to tell her about what I did to end up in the hospital. I felt so safe for the first time since you left.

Every morning just for a second, it's like you're still here and I'll turn over and see you like always but then the realisation I'll have to try to survive another day without you sets in. Along with it all the grief and pain comes back too. It's less and less every day. I'm slowly healing.

It's been a week now since you left and it IS getting easier. I never thought it would. I thought I would die without you and I'm realising it's not true.  I want to get free. I want to learn to let go of the pain and anger and grief. I'm choosing to get free. I know it's not going to go away completely but I'm healing. Thank fuck for BPD huh? I managed to somehow split my way through this and I'm going to come out stronger. 

I still love and miss you more than I can ever express but I need to let you go.

Today is the day we get free.