I just need to vent, I guess. I'm in this weird place but I feel so *stupid* saying that because I've been in this 'weird place' for the last 20 years. I started exhibiting symptoms of 'some major mood disorder' when I was a kid, was diagnosed with BPD when I was 21 after a string of really self-destructive behavior. Now I'm 28 and I still feel like that stupid teenager that can't even understand his own emotions, let alone express them healthily. 

For starters I'm angry. Not just angry. I'm livid. Over something that I *shouldn't* even care about. I was involved with this girl for two years. She decided to end things although I still don't understand why because she kept saying things were great and she was really happy. And now I still care about it and she doesn't even give a fuck, why should I? But at the same time it's not even something I should be mad about. I shouldn't even care. 

My therapists office shut down recently, I had been seeing her for a year, became really attached. Now I'm just alone. I have no one. I don't have friends, but that's nothing new. I get stuck between this loop of hating everyone to being okay with some, but it always goes back. 

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of the rollercoaster of emotion this all brings on, I'm tired of existing. It's not that I want to die, I just wish I never existed in the first place. Some sort of spectral ghost, I guess. Just something in between being alive and not. I don't know how to explain it. 

I just don't want to live another 28 years like this. I can't fathom how I've made it for the first 28. I don't know what to do anymore.