I've been like this ever since I can remember. My childhood is a blur, but I know I've been depressed since I was 12-13. 

I try to get close to people but it's all pointless, they eventually turn out to be completely different than I thought and I lose interest, or they get tired of me first. I try to care but it's all fake, most people mean nothing to me. There's only 2 people in my life I care about and feel something for. But even then it isn't real unconditional affection, because if they left/abandoned me I'd wish nothing but pain and misery on them. 

It's alienating and lonely, I feel like an outsider everywhere I go, even if I try to socialize it never goes away. I try to get myself to see good things in people but I'm tired, it's never worth it in the end. I feel nothing but hatred for humanity, everyone makes me sick with how disgusting they are. Everyone feels like they're the same person, different shades of the same color, it's all so boring and meaningless, once you know someone you know them all. I long for someone who'd truly understand me, despite knowing it's impossible. I feel pathetic for wishing for something that always hurts me in the end. I'm envious of everyone's ignorance, of how they're able to have everything so easily, always taking things for granted. 

I don't know what real love and affection feel like. I've had people tell me they love me but I've never felt more towards anyone than liked them at best. And then I have to lie to them for the sake of politeness, pretending like I feel the same, which makes me dislike the person even more. I feel like I can't understand anyone, I can't understand what they're feeling like, why they're acting like this. When someone is being too emotional it just annoys me. What do you have to cry for? Stop seeking attention and wasting everyone's time. At least I'm considerate enough to have my breakdowns in private. 

I hate happy people, I hate them so much, seeing everyone having a good time makes me sick. It's not fair I have to be so miserable while everyone I see has it so fucking easy, I want to see them in pain. Recently I had to spend a couple days with this one girl who kept annoying me and I remember I wanted to laugh when she started crying due to some stupid bullshit. 

I hate being so pathetic and feeling sorry for myself, yet I can never get over it. I keep doing the same things despite knowing better. But loneliness and the human instincts that tell us to socialize always get the best of me. And I'm always the one who gets betrayed, hurt and disappointed. I should know better by now, I should know that I can't trust anyone, but I still always fall for the same shit. Why can't I be better at detecting lies? I hate my complete lack of social skills. Of course I always come across as some socially inept loser, that's all I'll ever be.

And same as with everything else, no one ever fucking gets it. "It will get easier once you make some friends" no, it won't, that's the point. Last time I was forced to socialize in a group I genuinely tried at first, but then I just got reminded why I started isolating myself in the first place. 

Shouldn't it be different? Why does it have to be like this? Maybe if all the people I've ever known hadn't treated me the way they did, I wouldn't be such a miserable piece of shit now. Why can't someone just be nice to me for once? No one ever understands how much it hurts to be so completely isolated. Aren't I such a hypocrite? I complain why no one cares about me but I'm the same. But then again, isn't that the point? Cause and effect, nature vs nurture, whatever. Maybe people like me wouldn't exist if society didn't exclude and treat like shit everyone who isn't exactly like the majority.

No one would ever love me if they knew the real me. I'm sick and tired of everything, I don't want to live anymore. They tell me "it's just depression, it will get better" but they don't realize this is who I really am. I will never get better and I don't care enough to put any actual effort into it anymore.