I don't feel at home with anyone. I never feel contempt, secure and like myself until I'm alone. When I'm with people I'm paranoid and obsessed with my insecurities... I'm terrified by the idea of people judging me. I take so many things the wrong way, so I'm easily hurt and quickly resentful. If anyone acts nice towards me, I'm cynical about why they're choosing to treat me that way, but conversely I read anything else as a threat or a personal jab. When I'm alone I'm resentful towards everyone and the world, and with bitter cynicism I convince myself that I'm superior in some inexplicable way. Then when I'm with others it's almost like I'm in a different dimension, and I think I'm the worst of the worst. I become jealous and so insecure to the point that I feel like a different, lower species - incapable of giving or receiving basic human dignity, let alone love and affection. 

I oftentimes don't feel like I'm a human. I feel like an alien species who everyone sees as the weirdo, the loner degenerate misfit... retard........ I'm a 21 year old male, and I've only had 1 relationship with a girl. She was someone I absolutely did not fit in with; she was slow, dimwitted and objectively unattractive. She hadn't a job or any educational prospects, and she had no sense of respect or boundaries. The sad thing is even though I was always considered a decently intelligent guy, and I feel like I've always had something going for me, I can't see myself with anyone that I feel like I would fit with intellectually... I feel I would be instantly judged. 

I'm a truly hurt person, and I can't put into words how truly painful being me is at certain times... it's like there's no escape from my fate... I haven't seen the light for so many years at this point... nothing feels real, even though I can see things and interact with things to some degree nothing feels tangible. I keep trying to heal my cynicism and rejection of the world with positive thoughts, but it only seems to eventually add to the fire... it builds my hatred like a whirlpool... I retreat into solitude at the point where if anyone even talks to me I snap with bitter spite. I'm so hurt inside. I sometimes fantasize about escaping with drugs... opiates or amphetamines. Nothing else seems would ever take the true emptiness. nothing