Earlier this week I weighed myself for the first time in.. Several years. Most of the time I'd get weighed at my doctor's office before a checkup and wouldn't think to ask or wouldn't bother to remember. I was about 30-40lbs heavier than I thought which makes a lot of sense, I had been on a bit of a downhill slide being way too sedentary for several years. But it was still startling. I had already started to go to the gym to get active, following psychiatrist's orders, but I started going harder to burn that 30lbs or even more.

I prefaced my post with that story because my mental health has kind of been the same story.

I was definitely on a slide for about four years continually getting worse. A lot of false starts with therapy and stuff that I couldn't commit to. It became clear how bad it was in April when my ex (who, looking back, had definitely become an FP), had dumped me. Seemingly (at the time) for failing to take care of my mental health and lashing out.

As time went on since the break-up and more things came to light in her and her oldest's therapy, it became clear that my BPD was a lot more out of control than I had thought. I had fallen back into old habits of abuse and manipulation that I thought I had dealt with years ago, and they (and many others) suffered because of it. On the whole it was kind of just an extended version of my usual relationship cycle. Including what seems to be a completely burnt bridge at this point.

So I asked myself after coming home sore from the first day of dialing up intensity at the gym - can I do the same for my mental health? Can I go hard, and how hard can I go, to fix that?

Asking for some advice/support because I don't really know. I've already got a psychiatrist (see monthly), a counselor (I talk to every week or so. things were a bit of a mess in July because she got sick), one completed DBT workbook, looking into another...

DBT is difficult for me though since I lack the self discipline for practicing it? But that  seems like a whole other problem.