It's been a while since I lastly had active thoughts and feel  such torture,feel like drowning ,such anxiety,depression is worse,and overwelming thoughts like I do now. No I'm not gonna act on my suicidal urges I'm not posting this asking for someone to tell me to not be sad or it will get better and give me false hope,words I've been told million times, or someone to call a crisis line or someone for me. More like I needed to vent,for someone to share my pain with, have someone hold my hand, hug me,look through my eyes and my pain, to understand how this monster of death waiting to devour you is like.. to just be there.. feels like the worst fight I've fought again and it's so unfair . Please someone take this pain and weight even for tonight so I can go to sleep and feel at peace I don't want to lose this fight 😭😭