Idk who’s going to read this, but it doesn’t matter. I’m only writing this for myself. I always had friends growing up. I wasn’t the most popular kid, but I had my small group. Recently, some drama happened and I’m no longer in the group. I was wronged, and I will play the victim because I am. I don’t have any friends now, I haven’t got a few years. I fell into a terrible life style. The only thing I do with my life is go to college, work, then rot in my bed consuming media. It took a while, but it hit me during one of my breaks away from school and work. I realized that I have nothing making me happy. I wake up, and go on my phone watching random shit all day in my bed. At night, I’m afraid to sleep so I just consume media until I can’t stay awake any longer. I recently started think about what makes me happy, nothing. I have no interest to pursue, no friends to talk to, no life to live. I’ve seen everywhere that in order to find yourself, you should start a hobby based on your interests. That’s bullshit coming from people that don’t have these problems. I don’t have interests, no hobbies appeal to me. Saying “find a hobby that interests you” is like me telling you to start a hobby that you don’t like. I don’t like anything anymore, I don’t know who I am and I don’t know how to find myself. Being betrayed by the people closest to you is a blessing and a curse. I know they weren’t real, but I also know loneliness. I can’t crawl out of this state because I’ve got nothing I want to do. How do I become curious. How do I start to desire things again. I’m so lost. I don’t even know if I have depression or something, all I know is I’m constantly hurt unless I’m consuming media. Being idle just hurts. I don’t know where else to say this.