Hey everyone,

So my best friend became my FP when I started my freshman year of college (fall 2020). It was hard transitioning and she was having a bad year as well so we fully depended on each other. I'll be the first to admit it wasn't healthy. If she didn't answer for longer than 20 minutes and i didnt know why, i would text her and ask if she was ok. Just one example but you get it, it wasn't healthy. Anyway we had a falling out near the end of the school year and when we weren't talking i got my BPD diagnosis. Everything made sense but damn was that scary. Especially because i don't have much of a support system. Bad relationship with my parents and i don't let any of my friends in, besides my best friend but obviously we weren't talking. Anyway about a month after the diagnosis, we start talking again. we talked through our issues and when we started establishing trust again i told her about the BPD. She's been extremely supportive since then and has helped me see that i can have a healthy friendship and im not broken. The problem is since i got back to school, my BPD has gotten worse. I'm depressed most of the time, I've been drinking too much, i cant focus in school, and im just not really ok. I keep apologizing to her for being like this but she keeps reassuring me and she puts up with all my BS. oh and normally after a night of drinking i wake up with a whole lot of regrets and i get mad at myself and its and ugly cycle. I really dont think our friendship is healthy. I benefit from it for sure but i feel like im just dragging her down. Of course this amazing human is too sweet and would never say that but idk if she feels the same way. She is amazing and I'm incredibly lucky, but she's not my FP anymore and i don't want to hurt her. Oh and for money reasons I cant go to therapy anymore, that stopped not long after my diagnosis. I just dont know what to do guys. everytime I ask her if she wants space she reiterates that shes here for me and shell help me through the tough time. I'm trying to change my behavior but the only time I'm happy here is when im at practice for my sport or when I'm hanging out with my teammates in a friday or saturday night. But obviously I'm too busy doing that to do homework and i get behind and stressed and then i just get very depressed and i shut down. I don't know what to do but i just need some advice on everything. Thanks guys :)