I'm in my car crying before work. I'm scared. I like my new job a lot. I'm actually talking to people. I have social anxiety so its very unlike me. I'm scared I'm hypomanic and am about to fall into the depths of despair again. I'm scared ill just continue to be a loser. I've never been able to hold a job. Ill never have a career. I feel so lost and mad at myself. Even though I'm doing well I always feel the depressive episode is just a step away. I don't even know who I am. I'm surrounded by people but so lonely. I feel like I'm starting the "crash"
I feel so empty and hopeless that my life is just going to be a continuous cycle of being good and then being awful. I don't feel human. I just am a alien trying to fit in with humans. I look at myself in the mirror and see a monster and a empty shell. Not a human. I just feel the depression calling me again. I feel nothing but sadness and brief seconds of being ok. 
Is being a normal human even possible?