Had a rough school life. Bullied, and even got assaulted. Had a rough set of faculty. Attempted to kill my self once. Made it through. Fast forward 2.5 years to college, I had everything I craved for: small (5) set of supportive, caring and empathetic friends and a super supportive best friend. Then all of it took a turn for better or for worse. Everyone started getting on each others throat trying to pull each other down. I couldn’t watch everything crumble right in front of my eyes. Tried a lot of things including stupid ones because I didn't want to feel what I felt earlier. I felt fear of losing everything, fear of abandonment .My friends at first stood and made my mood better .Then I started noticing some distance from friends. They'd keep me out when I desperately needed. They'd randomly go out leaving me behind . I guess they had enough of my shit. My best friend was supportive a little longer and she herself  has had enough a little later. We started fighting a lot and eventually stopped talking/ texting for about 10-12 months. After 12 months after confrontation and compromise , we all started talking again after a lot of talk and a lot of opening up. Everything went okay but not smoothly. I sensed some disturbance in the atmosphere, like thy'd be in gangs talking, laughing and joking but when i join, i don't know how to describe it. Just not the same way it once used to feel. I've even learned that  one of my friend went behind my back and told others ,"He is an attention whore. He pretends to go around depressed in hopes to get people talking to him. Don't fall for it". I was broken. My best friend told me not to take her seriously. What happened later was again a long story.

Fast forward to today: Everybody in my friends' group  moved on with their own lives. When I met one of my friend who stays close, he said he doesn’t talk to others a lot but truth is far from it. They hangout at restaurants , they video call a lot. In short they keep in touch a lot except I am not there . The only answer I got was they forgot. It wasn't on purpose.If you think we ditched you on purpose we'll suit yourself .I can understand if you forget  some living creature once or twice but more than 10 times....?. Now my best friend has moved to US in pursuit of Masters. She has told everyone she was going except for me. I had to hear it from another person. I just wanted to wish her good luck and give her a good byes gift. I tried calling her but she has a new number and never gave me hers. Nor does she reply to my messages. So I stopped trying. Earlier I used to play Warzone with couple of people and now they've ghosted me too.

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I am sorry it's just hard to type 5 years' worth of situation in paragraphs . I couldn’t even construct proper sentences. My hands are literally shaking. Now I don't have a pleasant home either. Surrounded by narcissistic people. My mother was mentally abused by my father's side and my father just stood idle. I wasn't blessed with a healthy  physique . I can go on and on about all of it but its too big .I was frail as a child and I am frail even now. All that abuse has turned my mother into something scary and I endured it hoping to find solace outside my house in form of friends. Now I lost everything . I failed. I lack the motivation to get up and do anything. I asked my doctor for some antidepressants  and he refused to prescribe me . He suggested to go see a therapist . I went there and the therapist charges 20% of my salary for 10 hr session every month. The therapy isn't great either. Instead of talking about my problems he goes on signing her own praise on how she tackled  all her problems and became a therapist. There are not a lot of therapists here. Now I am losing hope I'd get better. 

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I am not proud of all of my actions either. i have made mistakes , a lot of them. If I get a chance, I'd red o most of it. I am sorry for existing. My existence is a burden and I want to stop existing. My medical conditions go from bad to worse and my mental condition is not helping one bit. i just wish to have a normal life like the others. I just wish to redo my life or I wish to stop existing .