I dont wanna make a rant out if this, just a quick explanation. 

So I have a not great relationship with my parents, especially my dad. Growing up with european (german) parents, you of course feel lots of pressure to be smart and all that, my dad being a generic engineer. He had his own shit childhood though but he never addressed his issues and now made them mine to try to deal with, and my mother also handed down all her insecurities to me too, and funny enough, this wasnt an addition situation of all the mental problems, that shit was multiplied, and i grew to resent them and im just trying to move out right now. 

Anyways, I was naturally book smart growing up (ive since converted to creativity and intuition smart) but i was also always needing approval from anyone because i wasnt get it from -you guessed it- ANYONE, especially my father because the person you want approval and validation on being smart is from the next closest person in your life who is smart. 

but. i. never. got. shit. The only time i got ANY sort of approval was when i finally hooked up with a girl, came home grinning and got a "good job".

But anyways, i havent talked to him for a few weeks now, ive just been overloading on resentment but then i have this thing where at least once a day when im doing something like watching youtube for example, a little voice in my head would be like "yo, ur dad would think ___ of this, u know? you shouldnt be enjoying this because he wouldnt" and its a REALLY shit think to be intruding into someones thought and i fucking hate it.

I just know therapy with an actual therapist isnt an option for me, at least right now because im between jobs and covid hasnt really helped finding one. but also because my dad would literally never go to therapy with me. he barely talks and never opens up about anything unless hes bragging about something from his past. Id definitely happily go to therapy for myself when i can, ive got alot of issues to address but like...

The fuck do i do? I dont want to live like this, its bullshit, i want my mind to be my own and its a constant wrestling match, i fucking hate it. So ya, didnt mean to rant but somehow do anyways, sorry if this isnt the right sub either, i just know people here are always really supportive. So ya, what should i do? Anything i can read to give me better perspective, maybe someone else thats experienced similar whos gotten through on it on their own that has their own tips, just anything please. 

Thanks to any responses in advance, cheers