all my life, especially growing up, I'd hear people criticize me and say horrible things. Even randoms in passing commenting shit about my appearance.  I dont know if  really ever confirmed this, but I've never really been able to have friends or connections. While I was abroad, sometimes, I'd see someone in the distance watching me, then hide when I saw them. I'm not 100% convinced this was real or not, being in a foreign culture, I kinda think it was. 

But the amount of hostile expats, makes me question myself, and the fact I have social anxiety in my 30s, just seems totally ridiculous.

last time I tried a therapist it took 6 months to get in, and without even knowing me they wanted to try an experimental new drug, and I said fuck that.  I'm not a lab rat. Then they suggested I go drop $10k on ketamine therapy, where tf am I going to get a spare 10k for that? and what was that even supposed to accomplish. 

So you can see my apprehension towards 'therapists'. I've even been pushed to to ECT when I just started university, instead of given simple coping techniques for self criticism