It's been 10 Days since I posted that I wanted to die. I got better for a bit and here I am again. So apparently it only takes 10 Days before I start to drown again. The way I explain mental illness to anyone that asks about my personal experience is that it feels like I'm drowning and clawing my way to the surface for air. When I surface I'm in the middle of a stormy sea. There aren't any lifeboats to get in or rocks to cling on to. There aren't any islands to swim to. I swim for as long as I can and then I start to sink again. Sinking is an out of body experience. You can tell you're falling but you can't stop yourself. Isolation doesn't help anything. Living in the south has taken such a negative toll on me. The only human interaction I have is with someone on the spectrum. He's very nice to me.....now. It took about three years but he's finally kind. That seems to make everything worse. As far back as I can remember I have stayed with men for far longer than I should out of guilt. What will happen to them without me? I'm wrong every time. They are always completely fine and on to the next girl. Loyalty means absolutely nothing to people. I'm so fucking depressed I don't know how to even function. Yes I'm medicated. Yes I have a psychiatrist. Yes I have a therapist. No, I can't just look at the bright side, love myself or look at the glass half full. I'm fighting genetics. My father is severely mentally ill and I've spent my life fighting off the demons that want so badly to surface. I've worked in the medical field for over 15 years. I've worked with the elderly, the mentally ill, the Deaf/Blind community and infants. I've bathed 90 year old men who can't remember that I am not their deceased young wives that they miss so dearly. I've gone to church with Deaf/Blind clients in inner city Baltimore and signed sermons into their hands. I've sat in rooms with patients that have not succeeded in killing themselves. My sole job was to ensure their safety while they were under psychiatric hold. I've checked newborns for deafness. I try so hard to help those who can't help themselves......but I can't save myself.