I have no idea what I like or who I am for that matter. Some things seem somewhat fascinating to me for a couple of days and then I completely lose interest. I graduated from college last year. This past week I've become obsessed with psychology, probably because it's so damn relevant to me lol. But who knows how long that interest will last.

After I graduated I went to live with my girlfriend abroad but she fell out of love with me and we broke up like 5 months ago. When we were in decline she listed things she didn't like about me (i'm slightly overweight I guess and anxious) and I promised that I would fix those issues so we could stay together. I should have just walked away then because fuck that shit, but I wasn't thinking rationally.

I resorted to manipulation to get her to show me affection, which often didn't work and made me feel worse. These days I don't think about the things I liked about her anymore (besides her cute face) but the rejection, feelings of betrayal and the mean criticisms she gave to me towards the end have seemingly scarred me and I don't think I'll ever get over this. I was desperate for it to work out despite the problems... It feels like relationships (this failed one specifically) define me, as I find no other meaning in life outside of it.  Every other thought is about the abandonment and mean comments which deliver like a kick to the stomach/contribute to a bottomless pit feeling. I wish I could stop idealizing her and thinking her opinions of me are worth more than my own. All this time later I still just want her approval :( and I feel like I'll always be incomplete without it even though I don't even like the kind of person she is anymore. Weird I know. 

Writing therapy has helped a bit. I've written like 20 pages on a word document over the past few days (had a lot to say...) but god damn, I wish I could just stop thinking and find something I enjoy and not care about the damn rejection/feelings of abandonment. I'll be looking to this sub for support in the future, thanks to everyone here.