I don’t understand why it keeps happening to me, then. I’m tired of being so full of feelings that are so creepy/pathetic/not normal/inappropriate. 

I’ve never had a year where I wasn’t obsessed with a teacher. Always an English teacher (I love English). Two of them have been extremely intense and long lasting. The latest one has been the most intense and has gone on four years. It has been totally all consuming. 

It’s not explicitly romantic or sexual in nature but it is intense and desperate. I act like a puppy dog. I’m just in awe of them. I have gone to extreme lengths to know more about these people, be around them, endear myself to them. I fantasize about being their friend, or child, or spouse. I never want their class to end. And I think about them fondly for years after the class is over. Most of all, I fret over how they perceive me. I try to get inside their head, figure out what they really think of me. I’m desperate to make an impression and it becomes my mission to gain their approval and affection. I almost always become somewhat close to them, and receive a lot of encouragement, which I cherish and replay in my head, and probably make out to be a bigger deal than it is. Still, I always want more. I cry over them. I want more personal connection even while I realize it’s wrong and weird and impossible. Usually they are quite protective and sympathetic which fuels the fire.