I just want to be okay again. I’m so good at avoiding stress and I do it so frequently that I seem fine most of the time which makes things worse because my ways of coping are to go on my phone or sleep. im failing college and wasting my education fund, wasting my time and my mom’s time, energy and money. 

she’s angry at me all the time-she used to abuse me before i moved out for a few years but after coming back i’ve lost my independence and self management. she gets mad at me for missing classes, not doing homework, not doing chores, not keeping my space clean, missing appointments, not taking my meds, etc. i do fine until i hit a bump and spiral down, and when she gets mad at me it creates a vicious cycle. 

i try to tell her that getting mad at me wont solve the problem, tried to say that positive reinforcement has always worked better, but she says that i’m going back to claiming abuse, blaming her and running away crying again. i still remember the trauma of the first time it happened, she made me build a desk for her and then she lost something and took it out on me, pushing me to the floor on the nails. im so tired i just want to be okay, i just dont want to feel like i need to apologize for existing. 

sorry i doubt anyone will read this far, but sorry my writing is a mess right now-words are very important to me and i cant seem to get the right ones out.

i just feel so lazy and useless and i always feel like im in trouble, even though im almost 20. i just want to fucking scream and rip my hair out. help me please,please