I recently stared a new job. I actually enjoy what I do, its just my mental health just isn't it. I want to check myself in. I just don't want to lose my job. My depression has just been at its peak. I think a lot about just not wanting to be alive that it doesn't get better. I just want to be okay. I hate myself. I'm currently in a relationship where I'm not a good partner and I mirror my emotions onto people, The only issue is I can't even talk to my SO about it because it feels like I hear the same thing every time I bring up how unhappy I am to be alive. A hug would be nice, but I tend to attract non-emotionally available men. I do plan on seeking help, it just some days I really feel I can go through with it.