I hate being alive so much right now. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've been losing so much fucking weight over the past few weeks and it keeps going down. I get about 0-4 hours of sleep per night. I'm always tired. I can't enjoy working out anymore, I was going good for like 5 months and actively made a shit ton of progress but I've lost it all. I can barely even enjoy playing guitar anymore, most days I just don't have the mental capacity or energy to play the instrument well anymore. God school is so nauseating. No matter how much I try I can't focus on the assignments or teachers, I'm getting barely any work done. My mom said if I wanna hang out with my friends I have to get my grades up. I have a C, a D, and the rest are F's. I've been grinding my ass off doing homework for hours every evening for the past few days and have barely made a dent in it. My best friend who's like my favorite person in the world is incredibly suicidal right now and from how he acts and what he tells me I'm scared that any day now he's going to kill himself and I've tried there's no way I can talk him out of it or stop him. I don't know what to do. I can't kill myself because I've already tried a few weeks ago, I know I don't actually have the guts to do it, and I can't leave my little sister to grow up with my shitty mom without an older brother. I'm so trapped. I genuinely don't know what's next for me. And any good moments I have that I do enjoy are basically meaningless because I'm so dissociated none of them feel like they're actually happening and I'm never really there. Its getting to a point where even weed isn't making me happy anymore. I don't know what do, even if I make it out of this situation I have nothing good coming for me in life, only more pain because of all the secrets I hold back from my family that will come out eventually. I'm probably gonna get fucking disowned when my mom finds out who I actually am. God I don't what to do anymore my days consist of painfully barely getting by through school and then spending the evenings laying in bed on my phone for the rest of the day/night until I pass out from staying up for days at a time. I hate everything so much.