I don’t have it in me. I don’t feel like I have anything else to try. This is just me now, I’m accepting it. My mental state is fucked and nothing makes it better. Fine. I’m just gonna suffer then. Can’t do anything about it anyway so why fucking fight it. I just hate being alive and my brain and body physically hurts because of the emotional pain I’m constantly in and that’s just the life I was cursed with.

Therapy does nothing. Medication does nothing. Mindfulness, meditation, “re-framing my thoughts”, journaling, breathing exercises, none of them work on me. I’ve been through the whole fucking gauntlet. I was born to suffer, whatever biology went into making me made sure of it apparently. Cause I’m just immune to any kind of “help”. Fuck it. Drinking doesn’t help. Drugs don’t help. Being sober doesn’t help. Cutting doesn’t help. Not cutting doesn’t help. Nothing makes a fucking difference.

Sober 3 months. Haven’t self harmed for 4. “You should be proud!”. I’m not. I don’t think I can feel pride. I feel nothing. Nothing to be proud of. Easy to stop when you don’t fucking care, when you don’t even have the energy to lift the blade or the bottle, when being drunk or not, bleeding or not is all the fucking same. No pride. Can’t feel pride. Only pain. 

Gonna hear someone say I gotta stop being so negative. Oh yeah? How? Just change my brain? Just stop it from thinking how it thinks? Describe that to me. Cause I don’t understand and I can’t do that.

I don’t even have the energy to kill myself. Wish I did. So I guess I’ll just lay here till I die. Don’t want to eat. Don’t want to drink. Don’t want to breathe. Don’t even have the energy to sleep. Someone is going to say this is temporary but that’s a lie. No one knows that. And it’s been going on for years, so how temporary could it be? 

I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead. I want to be dead.

My brain hurts again now so I’m gonna fuck off.