I had another one of those fun flair ups last night. Day was going decently well, I got my PS5 in, my brother is playing it (we're 35 not 13) and the evening is going well. And my brother is playing it reluctantly because he wants to watch some crap show hes watched 20 million times before but I'm trying to get him into gaming as a covid hobby.

So hes playing a game, enjoying himself, and after a while hes had enough, fair right? But as he's kinda putting things down he made some shitty comment along the lines of your welcome...

....

And anyone with BPD can guess where this is going.  I unloaded. All the social trauma I've experienced in the past, all the shitty cards I've been dealt that he hasn't came streaming out of me. I began reliving all the social traumas all the moments of helplessness where I'm trying to fit in but can't and how fucking horrible that feels, every social trauma I was experiencing again...It was not a fun night. I ended up reminding my dad about how he didn't try to help me with bullying and how...etc etc etc. We all know where this went.

It was a shitty night and I'm not over it today, I'm still reliving the traumas and it still hurts and I still can't take my mind off of it.

Which makes me wonder, is it possible to overcome social trauma?

I get I lack people skills and the inability to regulate my emotions when triggered and I get that I experience the world more intensely than other people and I fully accept the consequences for my faults and failings and I acknowledge how I've fucked up in the past. What I'm wondering though is that a lot of my current angst and pain is due to shit thats happened in the past and I'm clearly not over it, not by a long shot.

I tried EMDR once and that didn't go well and I disassociated for the only time in my life, that wasn't fun. 

And I've been in a lot of therapy but unfortunately these traumas are so painful its very hard to treat them without me flipping out.  I wish people understood that when I relive these traumas I am in physical pain, its not liike oh they're being emotional, no there's a difference, a big fucking fucking difference. 

So, is it possible to overcome social trauma? I wonder if its not. Part of me thinks the way to heal social trauma is to create positive social experiences so that confidence is gained, I don't think that stuff is going away and will be with me forever.

Much like the only tattoo I ever got which I was inked after my mom died...And that tattoo says courage.