I woke up heavily triggered and went into a panic attack pretty quickly this morning. My partner is well aware of the trigger and my reaction, but he chose to be more cruel than supportive or help soothe me. Telling me life is hard and I can’t cry. He knows he has the power to make my emotions go in any direction, he could make me feel better but he chooses not to. Then I react more to his hurtful words and he lashes out at me, saying I am causing him too much stress. Now I sit in self-loathing feeling worthless and he ignores me instead of fixing it, which only he can do. I can’t fix it, I can only cope with the heightened emotions I feel in this moment. I feel so much anger and rage toward him and my mind is devaluing him now. But BPD is fun since you feel like you’re dying in your brain but everyone around you just things you’re a useless crybaby incapable of a “normal” life. I hate this disorder. I’ve come a long way but it’s never enough.