Even if he loves me I don't feel he does...I look into every small thing ,every intonation, every side glance, every  and am weirdly conscious of any delays or missing Xs when messaging..I am like a detective when it comes to WhatsApp or online interactions..hmm last online half an hour ago? Ok who is he talking to? Last online late last night...hmm I don't remember him messaging anyone then..who is he messaging that late? The anxiety hits me somewhere at my core, leaving me sick 

Writing 'love you' instead of "I love you"..ok could be a bad sign he's shortened the syntax

Staying late to work, ok doesn't he want to see me then? Is he bored of me? 

Straight away my anxious brain starts churning...feeding me paranoid worms for thoughts 

And when he hugs me, the inner anxiety barely registers it...like I'm.not being hugged at all...as though an anxiety of this depth can't be touched...can't ever be soothed...and even if he got down on one knee, if he went blue in the face professing his undying love for me, my anxious brain would find some way to pick it all apart and doubt his sincerity 

It's no way to live

And it's no way to love 

And I feel hopeless 

And so so sad 
😞