I’m 32, I have two small children, masters degree and I used to have a career.. One of my kids is waiting for ASEBA test in kindergarten because of social difficulties (saying inappropriate things, fighting, difficulties with following instructions during transitions in activities, extreme interests, low emotional intelligence) this and past events from my life make me want to reflect over my mental health for a bit.. actually I have been reading about ASD, bipolarity and other diversions with similar symptoms.

I come from middle class family, my father was an alcoholic since I remembered and passed away at age 60. He used to be violent with both us and our mom who was codependent. He was never diagnosed but (from what I read on internet 🙄) he most definitely had severe alcohol paranoia and narcissism of grandiose type. My mom went thru hell (I am talking obductions, cheating, accusations, stalking, you name it)

I personally do not feel like events from my childhood has affected me anyhow, I am not angry or sad about it. That may be a result of time passing by, me forgetting how shit it actually was and just moving on. But generally I don’t feel like it got anyhow imprinted in me? I don’t have any nightmares of that nature, I don’t grief over my childhood and think I was actually a happy kid!  

From my childhood I remember sitting inside when other kids were playing outside. I could play alone for hours. I was good at school, but always got the label of lazy - and it was true.

I have always felt that my life evolves around wanting to accomplish a lot with minimum effort. I always made it.. sometimes barely. I feel this attitude did me a lot of bad. 

I learned to manipulate people and turn situations in my favor, I would lie a lot to get one last chance to pass the exam during studies or lie to my mom about buss not showing up just to be out longer when in my teenage years. I lie a lot, sometimes even if it is unnecessary.. 

I lie about my feelings a lot. This is because I don’t want someone to know I feel jealousy - this is very embarrassing for me to admit. I rather come up with a reason for not hanging out with that person anymore. Usually I don’t like other women. 

I used to be jelaous and possessive in relationships, have a lot of trust issues, I have now learned to control this and my present partner of 2 months doesn’t know that I have had problems like this before. I was paranoid I every relationship I was in but only father of my children knows how bad it really was.. I have been in 6 meaningful relationships, 4 years was the longest..

I remember to have some sort of social worry thru my whole life. I can’t be natural when talking to people I ran into. I feel pressure to say something and always say things that come across weird and not smooth at all.. I can communicate with young people easier than with the “serious“ world (for example people at work - I never broke ice with anyone 100%)
I have a specific sense of humor, very obnoxious and nasty at times, when I laugh - I laugh like a pig.. I am extremely relaxed person and was trying to master not caring about what others think.

After I got my degree I moved abroad and found job right away. Hated it. Burned out after 6 years and now I am abusing social system and I want to do it as long as I can. I used to work with 3D Design and Structural Analysis. I got overwhelmed with amount of information, the standards, the rules, the people at work, the pressure. Not worth the money. 

I said I don’t think that my childhood affected me, but I do believe I could have inherited some of my fathers traits genetically? 

I am shouting at my kids when I feel I can’t take anymore of everyday shit. I feel I have been abusing them verbally, I have been struggling a lot with one of kids and he is really pushing my boundaries. I am fighting with myself everyday, but I am very impulsive. 

Because of my problematic son who is very possessive and controlling - the other boy feels often unnoticed and he has to give up a lot of things to keep peace between them two. That breaks my heart and I see my older son is having a difficult time with brother. 

I feel like over time I have developed this bias towards him and I get upset quickly about repetitive errors that he is doing many times every day. Some days it makes me dislike him. I can’t control this feeling.. it has got worse over time and I am glad we are getting assessment for him soon. 

I love them very much and tho I know I have this problem, I try to fill the spaces between arguments with a lot of love and concern. 

I am very paranoid that others perceive me as a bad and unfit mother. I think they have right to some extend. This is something I am very insecure about. This feeling has been with me since my firstborn turned 6 and I was in so much pain I didn’t wanted to breastfeed him anymore.. 

My appearance is far from a regular mom, but hey it’s 2021. How I look is a big part of me, I think other moms look very serious and they just remind me of this old and boring people at work (who were actually sometimes younger than me). 

I never go with my kids to the playground, I don’t want to meet other people and kids, I don’t even like kids. I like only my own kids, but I don’t think I am made to have kids if that makes sense?

I have a great sense of aesthetics and that lead to some interests and maybe OCD(?) of mine.. I like things cleans and tidy, I like to do things myself - everyone else is doing it wrong, I love beautiful interior and colorful clothes, I love electronic music, I used to work at a tattoo studio, I knit and sew, crochet, like VR, did multiple sports.. 

I hate when new things are getting scratched or dirty, I hate when someone is ruining my things - i am flipping balls over stuff like that.. and mess. 

I am extremely aggressive in traffic.. I get angry when they drive to slow in front of me, when they don’t signalize the turn, when they don’t join traffic fast enough. Every wasted second in the car, drives me crazy. I immediately give an idiot label to a person who drives clumsy.. and I know it’s not like that. It’s just anger coming out of me. 

I can be painfully honest. I do get some sort of thrill of exposing someone to what they don’t want to hear.. 
I always thought this was precious but I can see sometimes is unwanted honesty. I hurt people.

I don’t know what more I can describe.. would be cool if You could ask me some questions to navigate me to the right thread.. Or maybe I am perfectly normal?

Excuse my english (not native)