I am sitting here in the discomfort, as the mindfulness people say to do. Waiting out the emotion because they say it does eventually pass. I feel like the walking dead. I feel like everything I do in life is the wrong decision. If I could break up with myself, cut me out of my life, walk away, I would. I often wonder why the few friends I have don't also do that - they are masochists. I'm a decent person to be around except the times when I'm not, and those times are worse than normal people's bad days. I wish I could see inside people's minds and figure out how they do this cost/benefit analysis.

BPD is it's own form of self abuse, just by having it. If you accept yourself as you are, it requires accepting that the way you naturally are hurts people more often than average. Knowing this, and in some ways being healthy, requires carrying this around with you. You can never forget - I have it in me to be toxic and harmful. If you let your guard down, if you start to think you're not so bad, that's when target behaviors come out. Nothing puts me at a greater risk of relapse than happiness.

It's no wonder I consider suicide on a regular basis. Basically, to be healthy in a BPD mind is to actually not let yourself be fully happy. And life is pretty hard to bear when you have to stay in this vaguely pessimistic frame of mind  just to keep your behaviors under control. With BPD, you have to learn self-trust, but you actually can never fully trust yourself the way healthy people do.

I am stuck. I want very much to be healthy and do the right thing. I try a lot of things, and they all have ended up being wrong. I am still like this. I'm still not recovered. I've done so many kinds of therapy, &gt; 10 medications. My psychiatrist told me today that I'm one of her most compliant patients and that she fully believes I'm doing everything I can and to hang in there. Therapist recently told me she was impressed that I could tell the story of my last meltdown fairly objectively, calmly, without spiraling into frantic self-abuse. 

If this is true, why do I still feel so bad? Like, I need to hide from my husband and pretend to be happy, say as few words as possible, keep my sadness buried as far down as it goes, because if anyone knows I'm sad, I will launch into a monologue about everything I'm struggling with. I don't want to do that. I don't know how to ask people about themselves to deflect the attention away from me. When I do it, it's ham handed and I only get maybe two questions in and the conversation dies. It's so frustrating. How do I learn this? Being a person doesn't come with a user manual but I wish it did. Just lay it all out for me and I'll do it. Anything you want. I'll do it.