I'm in my final year of university. I have my dissertation due on the end of this month so that's in a little over 3 weeks. I've only really found some papers and made a few notes. I'm supposed to write about 8000 words so I don't have much to show for it and I am still too afraid to speak to my supervisor.

I'm pretty sure I'd have to retake my exams from January as I have bombed it. I worked out that in order to get a 2:1 (I'm in a UK university) with capped marks I'd need an average of 66% in my other modules this semester. I struggle to see that happening as I'm just very inconsistent in every I do.

I regret doing a STEM subject as I'm don't find that I'm good at it. I don't think I fit in at university and I wish I could just leave. I don't think I'll ever use my degree afterwards as I can see the flood of rejections from getting a 2:2. Everyday I try to think of possible careers I could try to get into after university as I know suicide is not an option. So far there is hospitality, retail and construction. Maybe if I'm a bit more ambitious I could attempt to be an air traffic controller or train driver. 

I think I would have been a much happier, fulfilled and wealthy person if I just didn't go to university in the first place. Or at least dropped out before my final year.

Now I am just stuck. I've accepted that I'll always be in debt. I won't get far with a 2:2 degree because I am not unique or innovative to work around it and I am simply inferior to my peers.

But the real reason why I feel my life will go downwards is because I haven't experienced the worst of the worst yet. My childhood was pretty alright. My parents, siblings, any other family who I'm close with and friends are all still alive. I have never in my two decades of life have ever been to a funeral. Health wise, the worst I had was severe anaemia. I have never been in a long term relationship so have never experienced a break up. I don't have a child to worry about. I'm autistic and maybe it has affected how I see and do things but I was diagnosed when I was almost 4 so maybe I should have had more control over it now.

But we are all going to die and most of us will fall seriously ill beforehand at some point. So if this hasn't happened yet in my childhood, then it's bound to happen later in my 20s or 30s and definitely by 40s. If I'm struggling with my studies, finances and independence now, I will certainly fail when the real shit happens. 

Yeah I don't know what much else to say other then my life feels like it's already over and I'm really only alive for family and friends and the fact that I'm afraid to inflict pain on myself.