My first ever post, I hope you'll be nice to me. :)

So my ex of four years (35,M, high functioning treated bipolar) and I (31,F, just diagnosed two months ago with bpd) split up at the end of 2014 after quite some turmoil. We had just bought an apartment together last April in order to take our relationship to a next level. The year prior we successfully had undergone couples counseling for my unmanageable jealousy. Excuse me, if this turns out to be a long one, I do my best to be concise.

*Some background*

He is a very intelligent, high functioning optimistic person, quite loyal and integer. We both work in creative fields, are compassionate and feel strongly. Nevertheless he has his dark moments due to his bipolar thing, but manages well and currently is in treatment again. During our relationship he would lash out and meet me with anger in delicate topics, when loving and hugging would've been the right answer. Throughout the last two years, he was walking on eggshells. Nevertheless his validation was all over me all the time, and there were plenty of ways to show me how much he loved me. 

I had been dealing with eating disorders (=delicate topic) for seven years, depression, failing at everything even though being always excelling, so I knew there was a bigger issue lingering. Luckily I got diagnosed with bpd and am doing my best to turn things around as much as possible. Am in treatment and so far I can say my life has never felt better.

*The issue*

Almost all the problems we had that caused a break up, were bpd infused. I can say that now, I recognize the why's and what's. Basically a couple months after we had finalized the purchase of the house, I "fell in love" with another man. Idealization, full on splitting. I hurt my ex to no end, kept living at our place while seeing this other now meaningless dude. We tried to patch things up a number of times, my ex suggested things way out of character for him, he tried it all. But like I said, I couldn't see his validation and love, just felt pushed constantly, felt like I had no one who understood me, nothing meaningful in my life, no identity, again. Also in 2013 due to anxiety and depression I had to quit my dream, art school. Same story as with certain goals prior in my life: I was performing very well, quite promising actually, but after five years trying hard to make things work despite my disabilities I had to stop, while my ex and me were together. This caused me to fuck up my self esteem even more so, this caused the jealousy to have space and mutate horribly up to the point where our common social life froze into non-existence.

So we went back and forth for an entire year, trying from his side, ridiculously abusive behavior from mine, on top of that I kept on seeing the other dude, cause I felt like he was my new other half. Fuck, how much I hate what happened. I moved out halfway into December to a friend's, have my own place since January. 

This was where things truly began to change: I broke it off with the other dude, am disgusted by him as a person (whoLe other story), am taking very good care of myself financially, eating wise, started practice mindfulness, I journal and live a quite ascetic life for a few months now in order to de-stimulate. The diagnosis came like a lottery win, cause all of past years'events all of a sudden made sense. I am right now in therapy and have the best of intentions, determination and just wanna do the best I can to improve. 

Slowly I also rediscovered the feelings I have for my ex. I actually feel them clearly for the first time the way I do now! I love him very much, and made it clear to him a couple months ago. Sent him the journal I had written that was solely dedicated to us while I was processing (I have multiple journals for multiple topics, works best for me). He was sobbing as nobody had ever poured themselves out to him like this he said. I expressed my feelings very carefully when we started talking again, as he said at that point that he was afraid of me for getting back at him in a vindictive way everytime he would open up emotionally, like I did all of last year. 

Now whats happening is that we meet pretty much every week for coffee or hanging out (he even suggests for me to stay longer usually), and once a month we agree to talk about us. The last conversation was quite stable and mature, and very reflective. The one before was him throwing at me everything I'd done that hurt him badly, how he is way less tense according to his friends, and how he forgave me either way, and so should I , forgive myself. 

So my issue is: he doesn't let slip a single word of how he feels about me, on purpose. He says he isn't ready to talk about certain things yet. I know that he still is interested in getting back together in the future, as he has dropped a few clear hints regarding that, but I am mildly going crazy. I don't know how to read his behavior, does he still love me? Is he testing waters? Is he just interested in friendship? Things are so nice between us right now, and I don't wanna push, but I need *something* to hold on to, or make a decision and move on. I cry myself to sleep at times, missing him so so much, and feel very secure when he gives me attention and asks to have coffee. What is this? What shall I do, Reddit? I feel like an idiot for not seeing what is going on.. Help! And apologies for the rant. :) 

Btw I love this sub, has helped me a lot already. Thanks guys!! &lt;3