This morning I was driving to work with my partner and something reminded me of my childhood, elementary school specifically. I remember this girl being made fun of a lot because her last name was a word a small child would find very funny. Anyways, she left our school probably the next year and it made me think of other kids I went to school with and was friends with who eventually left before middle school. One girl in particular came to mind, she was one of my best friends and she was super controlling, she would tell me that I couldn't hang out with anyone else but her (we were probably 8-9 at the time). I remember sleeping over at her house and her at mine and here is where the memory gets fuzzy, I remember someone saying 'we have to practice for when we are older (i.e. kissing).' and I cannot for the life of me remember if it was her idea or if it was mine and I can't remember if it was just kissing or if there was more to it but the memory makes me very uncomfortable, so I tried my hardest to forget that part of my childhood and I've never told anyone before. We also took a bath together at her place which in hindsight is strange. The same situation happened at my house as well. I do however remember when I was older, probably 20ish (now 25), she was brought in conversation when I was talking to my mom and she said she had a 'weird' feeling about her family and she didn't like it when I went to sleep over that one time. Any input would be helpful. I know I should probably go talk to a professional about this but I've never told anyone before, not even on the internet so this is my first step. 

&amp;#x200B;

A lot of my childhood is a blur but I have lots of vivid memories of the fights my family used to have (very chaotic, screaming, throwing things, breaking doors, etc.) and some good memories from like birthday parties with friends and cousins but the rest is a blur. It makes me paranoid thinking something else might have happened to me when I was younger and I just can't remember. I once had a strange dream about someone in my immediate family sexual abusing me but I just chalked it up to a fucking twisted nightmare because it was only one time but it did make me feel sick. I'm just feeling anxious, paranoid, like I can't trust my memory and it sucks.