When I was in fourth grade, back when people began to get crushes and boys and girls started to look at each other differently, I realized something was 'off' about me. Granted, I was only maybe 10 at the time but ever since that moment I've an unexplainable feeling that things were just never going to work themselves out naturally in life. 

Fast forward eleven years and here I am not, at 21, and I still haven't figured out how the fuck dating, or basic socializing for that matter, works. It's not like I don't understand the concepts, I've watched enough videos, read enough articles, etc., it just feels like it is literally something mythical that I will never have the pleasure of participating in. When I see couples in the streets or see the few friends that I have interact with women, it seems so unreal and foreign to me. And the stress and anxiety regarding the topic doesn't help keep my dissociation in check either. 

One thing I personally feel is that I am not a 'sexual' being--if that makes any sense. I'm not asexual by any means, I'm clearly attracted to women, I can fantasize about having sex, despite my nonexistent history with it or dating, but I can't 'act' sexual. I can't flirt, I can't show interest, it's as if I'm either 'not allowed to' or I can't bring myself to express those feelings as feels like I might as well be committing a crime. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely pathetic at socializing to begin with and still have not made a single friend during my two years at my college's main campus, so it's not like I have any abundance of opportunities to interact or socialize with women, or anyone essentially, but in every interaction I've had in the past, I might as well have been a eunuch. I'm sure people liked me in high school, I'm sure people must have expected me to flirt or be the one to take the first steps, but I'm so hopelessly lost with the whole thing that I don't even know how to take the steps to improve. 

I'm curious as to if these problems are in part from my BPD or more from my social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorders, (or my major depression or ADHD possibly) but quite frankly I don't give a fuck. I just want to make progress. I just want to grow up. I'm a 21 year old male wasting the golden years of my life in college and I have the dating skills of a fucking fourth grader. 

If there are any males here with BPD, please, if you can give me any advice on how to socialize and date, I would be forever indebted to you. I'm growing tired of life itself with the constant torture of my thoughts and mind. I'm worried that if my situation continues any longer I might be dead before I graduate. 

Note: I'm currently in psychodynamic therapy, which has done jack shit for the 6+ months I've been in it so I'm going to switching to some form of 'group therapy', plus I've been through a number of medications and am currently on Viibryd, Seroquel, Adderall, and Xanax of which do little to nothing for my social abilities nor my overall mental state. 