I fell asleep at around 8PM cause of my fucked up sleep schedule, and a friend/maybe my fp (?) I really really like and haven't hung out with in two weeks texted me at 8:30 and called me wanting to hang out, saying that everyone was there. But I was asleep cause of my fucking stupidness and now I probably wont be able to hang out again until next weekend and literally the only good part of my life are those hang outs and I've been fiending for one.

Then I accidentally stumbled on pictures of an ex which sent me down the rabbithole and I feel so so awful about it. I hurt her so much and it was such a mistake trying to be friends after we broke up, I hurt her feelings so much and she said it was an emotional rollercoaster ever since she met me.

That was before my bpd diagnosis and I wish I had known. I wish I could tell her and explain to her that it wasn't her fault, that it was my fault and it turns out that I have bpd and that I'm so sorry. But she's had me blocked on everything for months now, so I couldn't even if I was able to.

I sh'd for the first time in around 2 weeks too. I'm so frustrated. It's my only reliable release from things and I feel better now but why does everything have to be so shit? Why do I have to mess everything up? I'm so so frustrated with myself.

***TL;DR:*** **accidentally slept through a hangout invite with my only friends that I really really miss, heartbroken over an ex, and sh'd for the first time in two weeks and I'm so frustrated with life.**