Or rather, the entire concept of sharing a life and being vulnerable with anyone. But I'd rather not be, lol. 

I'm 30F.

The usual story: my parents' marriage ended in a spectacularly explosive and melodramatic divorce that still gives me hives to even briefly think about. They never even fought right up until they announced it when I was 15; it was a slow burn over the course of my entire childhood that they kept behind closed doors, and I think the shock and confusion more than anything is what really fucked with my head. 

I was reflecting on my 20's and about how with each person I dated over the course of the decade, I prematurely broke up with them the instant I detected what I thought to be critical signs of incompatibility, or I would just be intentionally distant until things fizzled out (yeah, as I wrote that I realized there's a term for it--ghosting). Usually around the 3-6 month mark, or whenever they started to express that they were getting serious about things. 

It's like with each man I'm with, I run what I think is this galaxy brain simulation that projects 5, 10, 20 years into the future and outlines all the ways we'll fail. I'm extremely pragmatic to the point where I don't even enjoy the "honeymoon phase" anymore--it just means my brain is awash in happy chemicals that are making me blind to red flags I'll eventually have to confront. In my mind, I am nipping a lot of pain and melodrama, and possibly paperwork which I fucking hate, in the bud. 

The thing is, I know I'm not actually capable of this level of foresight. It's how my anxiety primarily manifests, trying to gather all the information so that I can make informed decisions and never make mistakes, certainly not mistakes of the magnitude my parents did when they blew our family apart because they tried to force something that didn't work for so many years. 

I don't think I'm doing myself any favours by trying so hard not to fuck up that I don't actually live my life. There has to be a happy medium, right? Between experiencing life and love, but also being smart about it. I get too into my own head and cuck myself every time. I feel like I really don't have it in me to go through more personal drama and conflict. My heart has frankly had enough for a lifetime and it's infinitely preferable to just be on my own where I can control every aspect of my world. 

For what it's worth, I think I made the right call most of the time, but there's one or two guys that I definitely pulled the plug on way too early and for reasons so vague and idiotic I can't even follow my logic about it now. I'm stuck with a few too many what-ifs and I'd rather that not be a recurring pattern for the rest of my life. 

I'm hyper-independent and really actually quite content on my own. My anxiety bleeds over into OCD territory at times and I'm extremely particular about how I like my living space, daily routine, etc. So I really only ever date people if they approach me first, or if there is a palpable connection with someone I already know. I'm not big on going out "searching" for love on dating apps and the like. I'd prefer for it to just kind of happen if it's in the cards for me--but the next time the opportunity presents itself, I'd like to be more open-minded about it and stop letting my mind convince me that just because he leaves hair in the sink or is in a bad mood sometimes that it's going to lead to inevitable drama and heartbreak.

I'd love some advice from other over-analyzers, how did you stop playing the tape through to the bad ending and learn to go with the flow? What even IS the flow??

If you got this far thanks for reading!