I don't know from where should I start but okay. So my father and mother had an arranged marriage and my mother came from a decent and well-mannered family and so she was very naive and polite. My dad was totally the opposite and used to hit her and what not. My brother (6 years older) and I used to watch it and till now I find it traumatizing. 

My dad also used to hit my brother and he never had any respect for any of us. He would occasionally smile at me or say some fake nice sentence which my brother found very triggering and said that father loves me more. 

As I grew up, my brother got terrible anger issues too, due to the family atmosphere, and my father and him had huge physical fights where they hit each other a lot. My brother ended up beating up my mother and I too for around 2 years before he went to college. I used to lock myself up to not get hit. There were 2 instances where he accidentally or idk hit my mom on the head and she was bleeding like anything. At that time I was in 6th or 7th and ran like hell in the house to apply medicine. The next day I cried and went to my father to see mom's head and lied that she got hit by the cooler (because there was a need of an injection to be applied). 

After my brother went to college, no one talked to one another in the house, my mom got invested in my paternal grandmother who only used mom and never appreciated her. I was in class 9 when grandmother died. But till then, my mother's back had severe pain and problems. All this time, I was going through bullying at my school but I never felt like sharing anything. After class 8th, my grades felt and my world shattered because books were what kept me alive. I was going through severe anemia but managed to get my grades up and get back on track. Took science in class 11 and hardly managed to pass but my dad refused to pay for the tuitions since I refused to join coaching classes for competitive exams (he is a physics professor at one of these centres). 

Got through these 2 years and then lockdown came. My brother came back and the fights came back. My brother had minimized hitting my mom since he felt guilty but still had those 1 or 2 instances. He still used to hit me because I used to stop him from smoking cigarettes (only because he and I have had asthma and his was severe) or stop him from fighting just so that no injuries happen. I wanted to prepare myself for other entrances but due to the fights and getting hit and being called a prostitute by my own brother on a regular basis, it all got to me. When I tried to reach out to my brother and used to get emotional and cry, he used to slap me for crying because he thought it was weak. 

Once the fight got so insane (one day before the most imp entrance exam) that my maternal aunt had to come and take my brother away. He then spent 3 months at her home, working on himself. That's fine and I was glad but somewhere or the other, I always felt neglected. I never got a chance to work on myself in a calm environment. 

Anyway, so I never had any relationship as such with my brother. Obviously, never with my father too. I am the closest to my mom but I am still never able to convey my problems to her since she is disturbed too and she never deserved all of this. My brother regrets everything he's done and apologizes to mom now (not to me). On the contrary, my brother is gentle on the inside and does good things too but I am not able to take all of these memories out, I have constant breakdowns in front of mom since I am now trying to prepare for the most important entrance exam (while being in the last year of college). I am not in the correct mental state and am not able to focus at all. Verbal fights still take place between mom and dad and I can't help but listen to all of it regularly. My dad says things like if you don't change the light bulb it'll be my shoe and your face (though he never hit me) but it is still very disturbing. 

My dad also tortured my brother from the start like hit him and never give him enough money for his expenses, never talk to him nicely and always be the fucking toxic person ever. No one can be blamed and no one can be called right. But all this has ruined me so much. And oh yeah plus the 2.5 years of toxic relationship I had wherein I was made to question my worth on a regular basis. My friends have never been permanent but now I'm used to it. 

My main problem is that I'm not able to prepare nicely for the exam or focus on anything.