So this is a new relationship I'm entering into... First post diagnosis/starting CBT (DBT isnt really available here).

I'm putting together a contract with myself for how *i* will behave. My new... Um... Whatever I'm supposed to call her... Knows nothing about it and there is nothing pertaining to how she's meant to be.

Thing is, I love rules, organization and stability, they make me feel safe, kinda a security blanket for when i'm scaring myself with the being cray.

**so basically I'm asking for your help with the list, especially the bits that pertain most to BPD, since its kinda new to me, but you're all welcome to suggest changes to any of it. Thanks in advance to anyone who bothers reading this wall o'text let alone responding**


My contract to me, regarding H---a:


Comunication:

You will listen to her.  Her thoughts and feelings are valid, and she can clearly teach you a lot.

You will treat her with the respect she deserves at all times, regardless of mood or inebriation.

No being pushy.

She does not need to hear your every thought, written or otherwise. you are *not* as interesting as you think.

She speaks english absurdly well, but it is not her mother tongue. You speak icelandic well enough and will get better with time. Markmíðinn þinn er að tala bara íslensku með hana þegar þú gætir (það er leyft minna og 100% ef hún er til í að tala á/æva sig á ensku við þig).

Sex:

Sex will always be openly and honestly discussed so *neither* party does anything they're not 100% into or willing to try, and neither party feels it is taboo to *discuss* trying anything.

You will not rationalize your way into doing shit you're not comfortable with because "she might leave if you dont". That has always fucked your head up, and the relationship follows.

BPD specific:

If she expresses concern about a behavior, it will be modified before it is a problem. If she seems uneasy about a behaviour *you* will bring it up with her.

She is human, with flaws. She is also amazing. You will not put her on a pedestal, and you will not demonize her.

Space is important. Make sure she has hers, and let her know when you need yours.

Dont inflict your moods on her, and when you cant help fix her problems, be supportive, not codependent.

Your self auditing sucks and you know it. If you're having a heated argument, feeling suicidal (in any way regarding her), or over the top ecstatic, you will do your best to recognize these as bpd issues, and explain that to her.


Couple-y things:

Time allowing, there will be at least one date a week that you instigate. Even if that is a homecooked (by you) meal and netflix in bed, depending on budget, collective mood, and available time. They can be postponed, but not cancelled.

She has your friends, you have yours. You dont have to like all of each-others' friends, but you do have to respect their friendships.

She can hang with her friends. You can hang with yours. You dont *have* to hang out all together.

You will prioritize mutually enjoyable activities, engage in activities *she* prefers, and invite her (not demand) she engage in those you prefer.



Self-improvement and maintenance:

You will not let yourself go in any respect.

Your feelings on new age things notwithstanding, give yoga an honest try. Get the fuck over yourself.

You will also work on having non-feral hygiene regimens. You didn't always live like a wild dog, laundry and showering are no longer optional.

Your issues are different than hers. You will support any self-improvement she decides to undertake regardless of whether you consider it necessary, and work on yourself even if she finds them not to be pressing concerns.

Self-improvement benefits you, but also her. Whenever you're wallowing in self-pity instead of becoming a better you, you will snap the fuck out of it for her sake if you cant nenn it for yours.

You will try the things she likes, even if you are skeptical about them: you like her, then you will most likely like the things that make her the way she is, and the things she enjoys are part of that. Emulate the things about her that impress you and draw you to her.

Ask to borrow her books after she reads them. Your taste is subject to confirmation bias, reading what she finds interesting will improve your mind, and it will help you to better understand hers.


If you move in together:

Housework is a joint responsibility. It doesnt matter who works more or who earns more, you do your share.

Pull your weight financially insofar as you are able.

You will contribute to household furnishings. H---a does not share your minimalist nomadic lifestyle, and having a house that doesnt look like a barracks is probably important to her.

You will prepare a minimum of one homecooked meal a week for the two of you, whenever you both are home.

Frugality. It's not just *your* money anymore.

No smoking inside. Not even out the window. Not even if it's really cold.

