Sorry if this isn’t a post for this thread, I just don’t know where to direct my inner struggle. And I do have a BPD. If it’s not a post allowed here, admins can feel free to delete the post.
Over the past many years I have had the reoccurring thought “Was I abused as a child”. I have done excessive research on childhood abuse and what happens when you repress memories of childhood trauma. Every time I do, I come to the conclusion that, no, no I can’t have been. But the thought keeps coming through. My problem is, I don’t have any memory of who, when and where it could have happened.  Am I just projecting on a fear that I could have been abused, because sexual abuse is a thing in my family? My grandmother, my aunt, my 2 uncles and 90% of their cousins have been abused. My own cousins have been abused, by men I don’t know. My 12 year old cousin has been abused by her own father, my aunt’s ex-husband: Whom I albeit find really creepy and hate being in the same room with, since always, don’t have any memories of abuse from. I have no memory of ever being left alone with him. So I find it very unlikely that it could have been him, even though he also has “touched” my other cousin. 
I was raped when I was 14, by a friend’s friend. Didn’t admit it until this year, where I got my BPD diagnosed and started working with myself. I’m thinking that maybe my knowledge and fear of my family history and this traumatic experience could put the thought in my head. Even though this thought of childhood abuse is a reoccurring thought, I have always been afraid to mention it to my therapists. I don’t know why, but if I did, I wouldn’t have any proof or any answer to anything. I guess I am afraid to bring it up and be wrong about it. Besides even though the thought is there a lot I always manage to convince myself that I’m projecting, even as I write this, I’m inclined to delete it all and bury the thought until next time. Every time I will go over the thought a million times, until I feel like I have seen it  from every possible angle to distance myself from the subject, like it’s no longer me it’s about. And from thereon I can move forward and forget about, until it comes up again. My problem is though that the thought has been more frequent this year and especially today, after a talk with my mother. She and her cousin went to a lecture about childhood abuse, so they could understand the choices of their siblings. (My mother and her cousin are the only ones in the family who hasn’t been abused) As my mother was sitting there talking, I found myself relating to many of the things she explained about the lecture and I know that it is possible to some extend repress memories. But to repress it to an extend where I have no unconscious indicator of who, when and where?  I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense and I feel like I keep making excuses, but I am going crazy(more than I already am). Because this thought won’t leave me alone. And no matter how much I try to read up on it, it doesn’t come to me. I don’t know how to bring it up to my therapist, I don’t know how to ask my parents If they know anything. I need an answer. But I don’t know who I should direct my questions to. 
