I haven't felt like I've been able to tell people how I feel ever since I started feeling this way, either because I don't want to worry them or because I feel like they won't care or will just awkwardly try to change the topic. So, I've come here to post. I just need to tell someone what I'm feeling and anonymous strangers on the internet are better than nobody.

About two years ago I started to realise "it's all downhill from here". I was stuck in a job I hated with limited opportunity for advancement and rubbish pay. I had very few friends and those I did have I was clearly just on the periphery of the group. I've allowed fear, anxiety, and laziness to rule my life for so long I'm now stuck in an inescapable pit of my own poor choices. Every time I think "I'm going to do *this* to change" I end up giving up almost immediately because it's too hard or backing out like a coward because I'm scared of what people will think and how they'll judge me.

My thoughts are frequently consumed by self-hatred, running through a lengthy list of my failures and defects and making me hate myself more than I already do. In particular one incident where I missed the brake pedal and went through a red light, almost causing an accident. I've never forgiven myself for this because my incompetence and not being able to handle pushing the fucking brake pedal could have seriously hurt someone (someone else, I don't care if I get hurt). Whenever it comes up in my memory, at least once a week, I'll find a spot where no one is looking and smack or punch myself in the side of the head until I stop thinking about it. Smacking myself in the head or punching solid objects until the pain distracts me from what I was feeling never used to be a weekly or even more common part of my life.

I constantly compare myself to people around me and I always come up as inferior. I work in a highly-educated field, meaning I am always surrounded by very smart people and I wonder how the hell I am still around. I screw up constantly, probably more than everyone else in my team combined, and I live in fear of being fired at a moment's notice for my latest failure. I'm terrified of talking to women both because I'm convinced they'll just reject me, and also because I don't want to make them uncomfortable. If I was them, I wouldn't want to put up with a sad, pathetic little creep like me coming up to them and bothering them while they're trying to do something else, so I don't.

I hide much of my misery behind a mask of comedy. People at work know me as the cynical but humorous man who occasionally does stupid things to make people laugh. I've let the mask slip a few times, like admitting I sometimes hurt myself when I'm angry, or admitting I think I am incompetent. As I said in the first paragraph, they either awkwardly let the matter drop or they think I'm still joking. I've been desperately hoping one of them would ask me "Are you okay?" so I can just say "no, I'm not", but none of them have, and I don't want to annoy people with my problems unless they ask. Nobody's ever asked, so I'm taking it they don't actually care. Fair enough, not their job to care. They don't get paid to put up with my problems.

As much as I hate my life I am not suicidal, but I am afraid I may become so at some point in the future. I've formed a sort of mantra in my head of "Stick it out 'till you're 40 to see if things improve", but I'm scared of what I might do if I get to that age and everything's just the same or worse. I want to change but lack the willpower to do so. I'm tired all of the time, no matter how much I sleep. I'm lonely and isolated but don't feel like I can ask for help, and I'm convinced I'm weak for even needing help to begin with.

Thanks for listening.