hi, i hope you all are doing alright :) 

I apologize in advance for the depressed post right here ; 

&amp;#x200B;

I've been doing research about BPD since I was 16 (I'm 20 today) and I firmly think I have reasons to believe I \*might\* have BPD. Or chances are high for me to have a couple symptoms of BPD.

When I objectively think about some events I experienced and how I'm doing today, and I think it's rather curious how my research have been always and are always leading me to BPD (occasionally depression too). I also talked multiple times with people who are officially diagnosed with it, and many, if not the majority, thought so too. 

Of course, there are possibilities of me being 100% wrong, I'm aware. I also probably just tricked myself into thinking I could have it, but at the same time, if I'm always being led towards this when I try to understand what's wrong with me, I think it's a (reliable?) sign. 

I've already gone multiple times to see psychologists. I've stopped seeing them for, call it for how it is, stupid reasons such as them not seeing me on the exact appointment time and me taking it \*too\* personal. Or them just ditching me for reasons such as, and I quote, " i think you look too calm for doing anything risky". 

I ended up thinking therapy wasn't for me. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with draining feelings, draining thoughts and draining me :''') 

 I'm tired of being this way. The more I try to understand about myself and the more I feel hopeless. I want to give another chance to therapy, maybe am I too naive for thinking that I'll find \*the\* therapist who will help me? But at the same time, I want to be better, or at least, I think I do. 

Is there any way I could possibly bring up how I think I might have BPD to my (future) psychologist without sounding like I know too much? I've already had bad experiences with some psychologists when I had the capacity to talk clearly about how I was feeling, and still ended up not being taken seriously. Part of me doesn't want to experience this again, but another part of me is quite afraid of how I might do if my situation worsens. I already feel quite bad right now and I'm quite afraid of fucking up everything up with everyone around me just because I'm feeling this way. 

&amp;#x200B;

Thank you for reading this never-ending post until the end! I hope you have a good day/night and take care of yourself! :)