My nephew had passed away on Halloween. I’m sad and I’m angry I wish I didn’t happen. But I don’t cry I feel emotionless and I feel sick about it. My family is sobbing and I’m not like a monster. 

Ok but then I pick horrible fights with my boyfriend. And when I’m crying about the fight I start crying uncontrollably about my nephew. I don’t understand. I feel so fake and it bothers me. I feel guilty and angry at myself for only being able to cry when I’m already worked up. 

Am I really mourning or am I being fake and shoehorning my mourning into my episodes. I don’t know.