I dont even know how to start. 2 months ago I almost died. I got help.. I hated it. I was fucked up, I felt insane, my abandonment fear was so bad I abused my partner. I got prescribed medication and suddently... I changed. I am still struggling to get in the grey area, but everything else seems so normal. I feel normal for the first time in my life. Like an adult. I struggled those 2 months to start making calls, applying for jobs as I was terrified of doing those things by myself, I always needed my partner beside me. Work was and still slightly is a big problem for me as I couldnt cope knowing other people were having time with him and I was "abandoned". Yesterday, I started at my old job, and I hate the place because I have had so many triggers, arguments, rage in there. But I went back, alone. After the job, I had a videocall interview for a good job as a support worker for Prader Willi syndrome. It went so good, even though I was nervous as hell, and I was so proud and excited after it. I went to help my friends move to their new house, and suddently I get a call, 3h later.. she offered me the job. I almost cried, but I also had the biggest smile on my face. Today I went to an area where I didnt know, to bring in paper work in the care home. Everyone was lovely, even the service user that I met. I felt so welcome, so adult, so proud, even though my anxiety kept switching on, but I kept switching the switch off. It was a battle, but it was worth it. And now I feel the need to make phone calls, and talk over the phone because I enjoy it so much. It seems so hard to remember and feel hoe i felt through the past few years, with my severe anxiety.

I can finally say, I am loving life. 
Even if you think you will never get better, trust me, you will. Give it time.