tw: animal death, and the mention of intrusive thoughts surrounding euthanasia.

When I was around 17 or 18, my mom put my cat to sleep. He had cancer, and took him to the vet for a scheduled surgery to get a tumor on his face removed and the vets and my mom elected, right before the surgery, that it wasn't worth it and to just put him to sleep instead.

I had no idea until I woke up that evening, home alone with his cat carrier on the table and i called my mom to ask where he was. I didn't get to say goodbye, and my mom just left his body at the vet clinic for them to do whatever they wanted with him.

I fucking loved this cat so, so much. I cannot put into words how much he meant to me. I was so devastated. When i got off the phone with my mom i just screamed and cried my heart out.

Every now and then I'll be reminded of him. My mom told me she left the room when he was put to sleep. He had dementia, and needed to be held to calm down. I can't stop thinking of how she just left him there, alone and scared and confused in his last moments surrounded by people he didn't know. I think of how she let his body be thrown in a landfill like a piece of garbage, like no one cared about him. I worry that he was one of those rare cases that woke up at some point in between, and the thought is so horrific it's physically painful.

I resent my mom for doing this when he deserved so much better, his passing was inevitable but he deserved for it to be perfect, not the chore my mom treated it as. I regret not being there for him, not saying goodbye. I regret everything i couldn't do for him. It's been years and i still break down and bawl my eyes out over him and how unfair it all is.