When the big sad comes its hard to deal with and I am hard to deal with. 
I'm not good at dealing with emotions or talking, or caring. Most of the time I feel like this empty shell, and I hate it. 
I hate that I blow up over the smallest things, today I yelled at my S/O over chips. I feel like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode af any second. 
This also worries me cause when the heavy sadness is in my chest rather than anger I would give anything to not feel this way. It's been a few years since I've been suicidal, but I fear that one day I'll be that way again. It's just so hard to live when i have this shit inside of me, consuming me. 
Most days I just want to sit in a dark room with no one because human affection scares the shit out of me and I dont feel like a real person. Everyone thinks I'm so great but i know I'm not, it makes me feel so fake. Like I've done so good with convincing these people with who they think i am, when they dont really know me, I almost feel like another person sometimes.