Insatiably, I hate myself. I don’t know how to handle these negative emotions I feel towards myself. All I want is to feel loved and cared about, but I can’t find it. Every single time I find someone I care about I smother them. I try not to. I tell myself “give them space”. And then they say something that I read too deep in to, and panic, and absolutely stifle them with affection because i just don’t want to see them go. 

But they do go. Every time they go. And so I’ve come to think that I am not deserving of love. I am wholly, in every aspect of my life, undeserving of any infinitesimal amount of love from anyone. Love is something that was not intended for me. 

I know nothing but heart break. I’ve self harmed pretty bad tonight. Because it’s all my fault. I blame myself for not being loved. I’m a 29 y/o man but I’ve been bawling my eyes out for an hour now and I had to contact a helpline because I was wanting to end it all. I hate my brain. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it…