(S/H Warning, ED mention)

Hello everyone.

I'm a 19yo girl and recently there has been a lot of changes in my life. For the context, I came back to my home country but not to my mom's house. My sister fled back in july and now I am living with her. My mom is undiagnosed but she has showed many symptoms of bipolar disorder and has done a lot to damage to us, her children, whether mental or physical and has always been in denial, saying that it's because she "went through a lot and we can't blame her". For the record, she did have not-so-understanding strict and unfair parents, and all of her siblings are shit in their own way.

Back to myself. My parents divorced when I was 9 and the period between 7-9 yo is foggy because of a lot of trauma due to her and an abusive babysitter (that she brought and insisted on keeping her because she kept me "calm"). I'm the youngest one and my mother would offen do emotional blackmail to make me say things I don't believe in such as the fact that my dad is a bad person and harmed all of us especially my mom.

My mother also has narcissistic tendencies and now wants to mess up my university registration in my home country so I come back to Europe and restart my studies there because she wants to immigrate and my brother refuses to help her. 

I've seen major changes in my behaviour. For the last months, I've been going to therapy and got diagnosed with moderate depression and I've been under Prozac since July. I've noticed that I became less expressive since I usd to cry a lot and get sad for no reason, however I feel numbed down, especially since my comeback. I started self harming again by scratching and picking at my skin when I'm at distress and I do not see any point in staying alive. I feel like a burden most of the time and I'm affection deprived, living with a sister that does not give any and hates contact. (i don't blame her) So I'm just feeling very unwell. This morning, I was pretty much excited and happy about going to university and now I want to cease from existing. I've had many mood swings, that can be extreme, ever since I was around 13-14 and had a lot of suicidal thoughts, and even tried twice. In my childhood, I used to mimic my mother since she would often express her suicidal tendencies but now, I'm not sure if it's mimitism or just me being in a worse state every day. I feel like I'm hitting deeper each day and I can't see the end of the tunnel.

My medication stops in November and I'm thinking about starting therapy again in my homecountry, which may take a time because mental health is taboo and most of therapists are religious and not helpful at all. I lost apetite and I'm having moments where I fall a bit again in my eating disorders. In the meantime, I don't  know what to do. It sounds so generic but sometimes I feel like I'm faking it, that I'm acting like my mother and my siblings noticed it and couldn't stand it. I feel numb and lonely, and extremely lost.

Thank you for your understanding.