If I try and think back on all the times I was a monster, just a terribly vindictive and manipulative, toxic person, I was generally content. Obviously I was also very depressed at times, but the depths of those instances would be followed by such heightened phases it would be fine. I would have a lot of 'friends', things to do, places to be, and I feel like it fueled something bad in me. As if whenever I felt powerful, I couldn't help but use that power.   
Right now I feel like I'm at rock bottom. Out of a job, without prospects, almost broke, no social circle, no hobbies, etc. But I am stable. I hardly explode, can control my impulses, and my day doesn't depend on anyone. But I am also so so miserable. I'm scared to go to therapy, because the only thing keeping me level is not thinking about all the terrible things I've done to people, or how frivolous I've been. I've actively tried to forget most of my past, just so I can hold on to the idea that I am allowed to exist.   
So maybe this is just living? Feeling absolutely terrible, but at least not harming anyone?    
I've started working out, but it gives me terrible headaches, but at least it's good for my bad joints?  
I've started giving up my vices, which makes me so anxious I'm scared to leave the house, but it's better for my wallet/health?  
I mean I'm happy other people are happy about me doing these things, and when I talk to someone about doing these changes, I feel genuinely glad... but I guess that's only because I know it makes them happy?  
Is it all even worth it? I am so very tired.

It's not like I'm going to do anything rash, the people pleaser in me could honestly never. But I did try once when I was 16 and in an absolutely hysterical fit. And sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by not going through with it. And then I don't think about that, put on a podcast, and try to not have any more thoughts.

It has taken a lot out of me just typing this out. I don't like my feelings to be on the outside. My paranoia kind of believes that sharing your feelings is just a trap or something, that even this entire website is a trap for something  (no offense, I try not to think about that too much, don't want to explain it, because I honestly don't know, and I try not to think about it).

I don't know man, I don't know.