So, in my recently aquired plan to be an adult, setting boundries and finding and accepting my identity, some interesting events have ocurred this week. I am a man in my 30s, I have a full time office job and after a lifetime of dealing with life like a child and adapting to everyting around me I have decided to just try and live with this shit, but like an *adult*. (I read a book about BPD and I am currently implementing the practice of *mentalization*.) 

Also, I have more or less stopped using pot and alcohol. I've been doing it daily for decades, so this shit is happening more or less all at once. 

I have been cheerful like a bird the whole week and probably a delight to work with. That did not stop me from devising a plot composed by my collegues and friends, where the end game is to make me commit suicide. This happens in the evening after work and sometimes in the morning. I walked to the city 5 in the morning, fantasizing about some guys trying to rob me and I just grabbed the gun and pointed it to my head and screamed SHOOT ME SHOOT ME SHOOT ME!!! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!! And then I smiled when I imagined they're faces. I guess they tried to rob the wrong guy! Later on I stood at a bridge over the train station and thought about putting my head on the tracks. But then I saw one of the trains coming and they have  plows at the front. That looked rather painful, I did not want to get hit in the head by that plow so i decided to go to the gym and work out in stead.  

One of my friends in 20 years have been a part of this plot to make my life miserable. This whole story is really something else. It could be me not being able to confront people around me, and them trying to help me to do just that. As I told my psychologist: 

*Listen ... I know that people around me only wants the best for me.*  

She nodded with satisfaction, just like I like to se her do. Besides, why the hell would I sabotage my suicide by telling her about my suicidal plans? What idiot *does* that? 

So, back to work, I'm calm, nice and handling things like an adult. And I truly feel like one as well. (Mentalizations works, folks). And it feels WONDERFUL to be in control. I have heated debates where we agree to disagree and do it with a smile. I stay silent more than I talk and I focus on my work. I certainly don't get emotionally out of balance because someone had fun on my expense and if I have needs I present them in an adequate way. I'm flying solo and it feels great!  

But then I realize the managing director hates me. That's because I told my workmates that I have some mental issues (actually I told a friend but she - like them, wants me to kill my self, or they love me and want to challenge me to help me cope). 

Cone to think of it, I have told *all* of my friends and most of my workmates, several times, that I have some sort of drug and/ or mental issue.  


Anyway, I have two options - she loves me and wants to help me, or she wants me to kill my self. There's really no in- between here.  

Either way, she happens to share this opinion with my friend (whom I, about a year ago, with no warning, deleted and blocked from Facebook and all other social media and never spoke to her again, for thinking I'm some kind of child molester.) 

So, today the first thing I did, is I may have indirectly accused the directing manager of trying to undermine my mental health issues, because she could not deal with her own. Got it's painful to write this. 

Then I deleted another friend from Facebook etc. during lunchtime, for being a part of the plot to kill or love me. Right there and then I decided to delete her, but at least I gave her a warning. She was really cool about it and I thanked her for understading that I had to cut her off. Then she made a remark about my sister (I think she just wants to kill me) and I decided she is more on the kill side, than the love side. 

But they all agree on something, but I still can't figure out if they want to help me or kill me. But I do believe they are making fun of me being a nutjob. Thing is though, I'm convinced they think I am *pretending* to be nuts, to get attention. Now that, can really piss me off. When I get that idea, I will interpret everything anyone says in that context, and this things is definitly connected to the plot to kill me.  

But the best thing is to come home from work, and just cry from laughter when thinking about how much fun we have at work. I read through mails and think about the great time I am having at my job, and my wonderful collegues.  

Thing is, I am observing all of the above through the eyes of a grown, responsible and capable man who have a firm belief that I *can* make my life better. All these things are only *thoughts*. I had and *awesome* week monday through wednesday. I handled life in an awesome way. I am really getting in physical shape, staying on the diet, hardly drinking alcohol and I have a demanding job but I'm really on top of it these days. Two years of therapy and god knows how many books is finally paying off.  

I will, during the next weeks, increase being myself. That means being more and more open about my feelings, what ever they may be. I have learned great skills in communication, and I feel very confident, accepting who I am. At the same time, it's not a bad idea for me to stop the use of *all* social media. I logged out of everything, except Messenger.  I need to set some boundries. I was obsessed with it and interpreted *everything* through some paranoid filter. 

People can joke around all they want. I really don't give a shit. At the end of the day I'm a nice guy who does a great job and I have become way easier and more predictable to be around. I sleep better, drink less and smile more.  

Yes, all this crazy shit is going on inside my head. But I actually think I can live with it, as long as I find a way to share it with the people around me. Who *probably* don't want me to suffer to the brink of suicide. 