My only friend was getting married today. I knew since more than a year ago, I remember being so worried wondering if she would not invite me, I was so happy when she did. She invited my SO as my +1. We had agreed that we would go (it's in another state), and we even planned a weekend in the state of the wedding. I had told my SO how important little roadtrips were to me and we agreed to plan more.


Things changed. My SO quit his job in July to pursue his dream career. I'm the breadwinner now. Money is tight. Our weekend trip was cancelled as I couldn't afford it and I was saving for the wedding gift. We still agreed we would go to the wedding. Same day trip.


He got a gig doing his dream job. He plays a gig at a restaurant. They said it would be on Saturday (yesterday), so no problem. But things changed and he was supposed to play Sunday evening (today, the wedding day). We only have my car now. We cannot really arrange for other transportation means. I had to drive him to the gig. I couldn't make it to the wedding and back on time. So I had to not attend the wedding. Even though I had confirmed so long ago. Even though it was so important to me. Even though she is my only friend (BPD makes it so hard for me to have friends).


I don't deserve her. I don't feel OK about myself. I wish I could keep my friendship with her and not resent my SO because what I had to sacrifice. I feel so shitty. I don't know how to control damage. I do not feel in control of the Situation. I couldn't ever dream of asking my SO to sacrifice his job for my social commitment. But I couldn't ever dream of failing a dear friend and not being there in a once in a lifetime event.