I'm probably gonna delete this soon. I met my Tinder date for the first time yesterday. He was super hot and super kind. It was my first time going out with anybody, so I was really nervous. I didn’t even talk a lot, but he made me feel real safe. He held me under his umbrella, caressed me a lot. He even took me to his place and things went kinda sexual but still, even though my body was frozen, I felt so safe in his arms.

Since the previous one I had a crush on several years ago abused me a lot, (He said things like ‘I wanna stab your face cuz it’s ugly as fuck’, ‘I wanna behead you cuz it looks like it’s floating like a balloon’, touched me, undressed me in public spaces without permission) just a bit of gentle moves made my heart melt.

At first, I didn’t want to develop any feelings because I’m leaving my country next month. Now I just can’t stop thinking about him and how he caressed me, touched me last night. I cried all night last night (maybe out of joy). I’m not gonna cry tonight, but I just can’t get him out of my head, can’t calm myself down. I want more of him now, a lot. I’ve had several anxiety attacks, but I’ve never felt this way before. What should I do? Am I healing or something? Or am I just being crazy?