It's been a while since I've talk/written to somebody about how I've been feeling. In general, I try to keep my personal life out of other people's reach, specially after a couple of years of going in and out of therapy. 

And just recently, I relapsed into depression. But this time, it's hitting harder than usual. 

I've never been much of a cheery and social person. In high-school, I mostly kept to myself, my hobbies and studies and even in college, I just came and went in between classes. 

I've had a couple of relationships, some more meaningful than others but for the most part, I've realized that maybe I'm not cut for loving someone else... I've been cheated on, rejected publicly and so on, time and again... 

And I think I kinda pinpoint the exact point in my life when I got soured on the whole idea of getting into a relationship. People say that you shouldn't dwell in the past, specially when emotional events happen to you during your mid-teenage years since you're "not mature enough at that point in life to understand the hardships of life", but in my own personal experience, those things leave a mark that's hard to remove from your brain. A friendship turned into a series of misunderstandings that lead to me quitting high-school, abusing substances, going into therapy, trying to cope with the whole idea of maybe things weren't so bad, returning a year after to get my diploma, going to college and meeting once more with the one person I wasn't planning to see ever again in my life. Since then, life has been a see-saw of situations; suicide attempts, nightstands after nightstands trying to figure things out, a falling out with my family, etc. 

Things kinda settled for a few years, pandemic notwithstanding, and now that things were/are returning to normal, I kinda wanted to give it a try once more... maybe start talking to some other people, meet folks on dating apps, etc. 

Worst. Idea. Ever. 

And today, I almost took a step out from the 7th floor of my local mall. Those mothereffin' intrusive thoughts once again.