I just got out of a 7 year relationship where I was the one who was wrong. I have a history of dating men who cheat on me and didn’t realize it but they cheat because I make it hard for them to leave yet they’re miserable because I don’t show affection in the relationship. This guy I was with for 7 years gave me everything. He showed me love, he was kind, sensitive, caring. He shared his interests with and supported mine. He helped pay for school, he paid the rent while I was in school. He paid for my Ubers, my food. When I started getting really depressed and stopped being physical with him he was so hurt but he asked me what he could do and he made himself suffer. He paid for his therapy, mines and couples therapy. He always asked me about my day and would listen to me rant for hours. He would ask if we could be intimate. I made him so miserable. And I hate myself for this. When we first met I was just starting college and anxious. I had a good job and was looking forward to school. Slowly my outlook changed and I became more and more depressed. 10 months into our relationship I found out he cheated. 2 months before he had expressed he was really thinking about ending the relationship because he was miserable because I barely had time for him and didn’t show any affection. We talked and I apologized but then two months later I found out he went too far with a girl who he used to have casual sex with and the encounter made her uncomfortable. I was enraged because I had found out he cheated 2 months prior and I told him if there was anything that happened to tell me and he lied. So 2 months later when I found out I was on the phone with him when the girl let me know what happened. I told him I hated him and I don’t care if he lives or die. He went into a spiral and took a bottle of Tylenol. 

I stayed with him through recovery and when he went to the psych ward because he didn’t have anyone around him. We eventually started dating again not too long after and that’s when I started to show less affection. I would have moments where I was crazy about him but then moments where I was numb to everything. Fast forward to now he’s doing well for himself, has his own place and moved on. While I feel so guilty and just finished with life. We lived together for 7 years and I basically relied on him for all of my needs because I don’t have friends and was having trouble keeping a job. I expressed to him I didn’t feel as physically attracted to him and numb at times. I shut him out over stupid stuff when he had covid. He distanced himself from me and ended the relationship over text. He’s already hooked up with someone else which makes sense because I deprived him for so long. I just want to kill myself: