I'm 15 years old and I can't live my life properly and peacefully. I constantly think about the future. I don't know who I wanna be. It's like - I need to choose the right career to be successful and only then I will stop being a piece of nothing. Only then I can be loved. If I have money. 

I'm pretty poor and I live in Russia, so it would be pretty hard to find any good job. I like making music, but every time I'm trying to make anything I criticize myself and nothing good happen in the end. I also wanted to be an English teacher but the salary is too low. + I'm pretty unstable to work with kids. I also wanted to be a psychologist because I have kind of a talent to read people very well but I don't know if I want to help people or I want to help just myself. I can also draw well but I don't know if I can be a good graphic designer, it's not bad but I'm not that passionate about drawing. 

So I'm lost. A lot of people talk about business and stuff but I don't wanna have one. I'm not a businesswoman. I'm kicking myself to choose right because the worst thing that can happen to me is that I'll be about 30 with nothing but a dull apartment where I come to just sleep, work I don't love and low salary. 

The thought of it brings me anxiety and despair, so I even fantasize about killing myself. My life is not that bad but I really don't know what to do and I'm kinda stuck. Every time I try to relax I just can't, this issue must be solved. People don't really listen to me they tell me to go at least somewhere and then I will choose, but I don't wanna waste my time. 

So for about already 3 months I just do nothing but think and suffer from anxiety and sadness. I know I can achieve a lot of things in any area if I work hard and I'm ready to. But I don't know the way. Where can I use my energy and be successful. I kinda can't be worse than others, so I have to be better. I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean and there is no land. I don't know where to go. 

Time is a thief when you're undecided. And like a fistful of sand it can slip right through your hands. 

I know I should do at least SOMETHING. But this freaking thought of success just kills me. I kinda don't have this safe space.