I just broke up with my long distance boyfriend, he just left my house a few minutes ago. I feel like I'm still stuck in my ex relationship because he was my fp for so long and romanticize it, and compare my ex (D) with my...well... now also ex boyfriend (T).

He's at his last year of university and I'm unemployed. He did nothing wrong. I just look at him and see D and find D more attractive than T. 

Also, I think I might be stopping T from having his life with someone who might be better than me - with no bpd, with no depression, with no mental illnesses and problems like I do. 

I didn't want to break up, but everything looks so dark to me, and I feel like he's better off without me. I cried like hell while he was holding me. He said that for all that's worth we're broken up, but that until the 10th we're on the limbo and he's waiting for my final decision. I don't want to break up, but I don't want to live on the hell that is him wanting to go for a walk and me just wanting to stay in bed. He drives to my house and all I do is sleep while he's forced to be on his phone or watching TV by my side.

I told my mom I should go inpatient but I don't want to go to the ward I went last time because it's worse being there than being out here. I also don't want to kms or harm myself now because it's almost my 23rd birthday (even tho I almost didn't turn 18 because of an attempt) and I don't want to disappoint people around me.

My best friend isn't being the most supportive, my dad doesn't care, and my mom is doing bad because she has quimio to go thru in a few days. I just worried my mom more. I don't know what I'm doing to be honest. Might just really end it since nothing seems right