
I don’t know what else to do. I might see a therapist again soon because that would be the only person I could talk to. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar 2 but I strongly believe I’ve got severe BPD. For the last year I have felt the overwhelming desire to violently commit suicide. There are times I cannot escape the thought how much I try, there are other times I have found myself mindlessly going through the motions of “about to do it” (I.e. impulsively drove to target as soon as it opened to buy nothing but fresh razor blades) and it’s kind of like I don’t realize until I am close. There are times where I don’t feel in control of my emotions or actions and I feel like my life is in danger (from myself?) and that I might act. There are other times where I daydream about drafting up a suicide letter and what I would say in it. I do not want to kill myself, but there are often times when I do really badly, other times it feels like it’s not up to me. It doesn’t matter what I want, this is just going to happen. I don’t really know what to do at this point. I feel like I can’t really talk about it with anyone because they’ll think I’m guilting them or emotionally manipulating them. All I hear about is how shitty it is to o those things to people and that being mentally I’ll isn’t an excuse to manipulate. I don’t know how to communicate my problem without guilting or being manipulative. I don’t know if I need to be monitored at a facility or something because that’s how much I don’t know what I am going to do next. The urge gets stronger and stronger and I believe if I leave it sitting for too long it will succeed and kill me. All my life I’ve been trying to tell my mother about my emotional problems, but she thinks I am manipulating her to get out of having responsibilities. This has been very overwhelming and distressing and sometimes I get very afraid. I can’t see the counselor at my university until a long time and the hotlines suck. How would I talk to somebody without committing social suicide (aka being the weird girl who cuts herself and talks about killing herself because she can’t handle emotional problems aka “crazy”) or being seen as a manipulator. I am desperate