CW: general mention of suicide and self harm.




Hello everyone,

I just need to vent to people who might understand what I'm feeling or personally experienced what I've been struggling with. 

I was diagnosed with BP 1 in mid-2015, had my very first episode literally in the first month of 2015. Prior to that I felt like my life was coming together and all the pieces were fitting. I had direction and finally had a name for some of the things I had been struggling with since childhood (I came out as transgender in 2013). 

A little extra background, I suffered from chronic (nightly) disturbing hypnopompic and hypnagogic hallucinations (auditory and visual), sleep walking, sleep paralysis, reoccurring nightmares, and occasionally sleep terror? (I'd wake up full of fear, with only one thought "I need to get out" and I'd run out of my bedroom in fear. The fear would disappear once I got a few feet from my room, and I'd be fully awake). They started at around kindergarten or 1st grade (only reoccurring nightmares and hallucinations), but I was a difficult sleeper as a baby too. In 3rd grade (2003) they advanced to the list mentioned above and stayed that way until fall 2019 (the only change was dating my current partner, not my first partner though).


So I saw my first Shrink from mid-2015 until winter 2019, then he retired. Since then finding a replacement has been a struggle! I've seen three so far and each one just don't listen. One only prescribed me antidepressants (for some reason) and was "surprised" that I struggled with manic episodes (even though he had my prior records, I guess he didn't read them?). He also told me that "everyone struggles with that" when I told him that recently I'd start crying during inappropriate times (I started ugly crying while watching an educational video on Tokyo's train/subway system, for example.) I didn't cry during sad or emotional moments, just randomly it'd feel like a bomb made of sadness would explode in my chest while watching non-emotional videos. 

The second one admitted that they weren't sure what to prescribe me (based off of my medication history), sent me to IOP.  IOP prescribed Depakote frist (wanting to add a antidepressant if I react well), but depakote caused me to become so angry (24/7) that I started struggling with self harm (I have no history of cutting prior to taking depakote). When I reached out to them saying that depakote wasn't working and was causing emotional distress and I wanted to wean off of it they kept responding with "wait until your next appointment" but I hadn't been contacted to schedule one yet so I had no idea what appointment they were referring to. 

I dropped out of that because I realized they didn't actually care, I even told them I'd sign a ROI if it means talking to a available shrink about weaning off. They just kept saying the same thing. Worried I'd hurt myself even worse I contacted my GP for advice and he helped me wean off (it was extended release, 700mg). I lost all trust in that program. 

Fast forward, I told my shrink (at the time) about what happened, she suggested I ask them if they'd let me back in, but I explained that I didn't trust them anymore (what if the same thing happens with another med?). Later this shrink would tell me she wants to stop prescribing (at this point I haven't been on any meds because none we try have worked. 

With her I tried: Wellbutrin (reg., extended, and sustained release), Lamictal, and Seroquel. That's it. That's all she tried with me. Each one caused "deal breaker" side effects (suicidal, muscle issues, and worsened my incontinence). 

She believed that my anxiety (which I've had since childhood, I'm very familiar with it and I have been able to manage it without meds) was causing the "deal breaker" side effects. 

So I started hunting for another shrink. 

Thought I found a good one. He (like all my other shrinks) talked about being conservative with prescribing meds. I was excited because I don't want to be over medicated ever again, I just want to be on enough to function on a daily basis (like to be able to shower and brush my teeth everyday, self-care stuff, and not be suicidal or at least be able to manage my suicidal/mood struggle). 

But today (after our second appointment) he assumed (didn't even ask) that I wasn't suicidal (I struggle with suicidal ideation everyday, often multiple times a day) and told me I just needed to try hard enough and that I don't need meds but rather awareness and a supplement (L-methl folate) to help me stabilize. 

I'm so sad. I feel so defeated. I just want to stabilize enough to go back to school, get a job, take care of myself, etc. 
I get that meds aren't "magic pills" but rather supplemental in the overall treatment (which includes other therapies). 

So now I'm on the search again. And with the shortage it isn't easy. The only positive is that I don't have to worry about refilling an existing prescription... But the mood swings destroy me. I'm on a rollercoaster and I'm not having a good time, I feel like I have emotional whiplash from my rapid cycling. And since I've attempted suicide in the past (all failed) I feel no one really cares or listens when I say I think of killing myself daily. Thankfully I have the support of my partner and parents. I'd be homeless or dead without them. 

Thank you for reading my vent (if you read it). I needed this. 


Take care everyone.