I am really tired of pretending that everything is normal. I am extremely sad that I am bald. It's been almost 10 years since I started losing my hair. I don't like to go outside without wearing a cap now. I don't want to meet anyone. I don't want people to stare at my head. I am so tired. I have reached the point where I have started to question my existence, thinking about whether it is destiny, asking myself what did I do to deserve this. Am I cursed? I was overweight at one point and worked hard to get in good shape. I lost some weight but I also started losing my hair. Feels like a joke to me. I can control weight but how will I control this mess. There was a never a normal for me. What is normal? Do I feel that I was normal before and now I am not? Is it wrong to feel this way? Is it wrong to want to have something you will never have? I have missed out on so many things I could have done but could not because I lost my self-confidence. I am sad about it. But what difference is it to going to make to talk about it now or even back when I was losing my hair. I wonder does anyone feel what I am feeling? That irritating feeling that I have slowly watched that confident image of myself fade away and could not do anything to avoid it. It sucks.

I feel like I really want to be anonymous. Just another body wandering in the crowd that no one stares at. I want to go outside and feel like I am free, not caged by my own thoughts. That would be a good feeling. I shaved my head a couple of years ago after watching Sean Evans from Hot Ones on YouTube. It helped me a bit when I was staying at a place where no one knew me before and I felt like a stranger among other strangers. Felt ok. I am back in my hometown and I don't want to meet anyone here. I don't want to go outside looking like this. So I started to wear a cap. And I hate it. It was really difficult to talk about my hair loss. It still is. After I graduated, I finally decided to open up to my mom about how I felt. She acknowledged it but then I hear her telling me that I still looked normal and it just angered me. But what good would it do if I just start shouting about it and go on a rant in front of her? I will not be able to go back to what I was.

I am not okay with how I look and that's my truth. My mom asks me to go with her for a pilgrimage. I don't want to go. I just tell her honestly that I would not go. And then I hear her telling me that I have a problem with God. No mom, I don't have a problem with God. I don't want to bother anyone, and all I ask for is no one should bother me. Is it too much to ask for?

I wish to wake up to a reality where all that I am feeling and have been through was just a nightmare. But I can't. So I pray to God for a miracle and get my hair back, or just let me rest in peace. I try not to cry but it gets so difficult sometimes that it's hard to hold back.

Then I think about all those people who are in even worse situation than me. I try to put things into perspective and go on about my day. But it's so hard to keep living like this. It's better to just sleep and never wake up. Feel like a walking zombie sometimes. I have had so many bad memories even after avoiding a lot of confrontations. I do not want to have bad memories. That's why I did not go on trips with my friends. A lot of things I avoided to not have bad memories. I do not want be that odd looking guy in a group. Is it ok to feel this way? That I do not feel normal now.

Somedays I ask myself where is my life heading towards? I can avoid things but for how long? There are so many things I want to write and share, so many bad memories, but I am tired and feeling extremely sad.