This is just a bit of a rant. Just had a meltdown in front of my family who’s always been in denial of my illness and I just feel defeated. I have an uncle who struggles with depression and schizophrenia and growing up, mom saw a lot of his issues in me. Not gaslighting, more like she took preventative measures and extra care in how she approached me in my moments.

What hurts and brings me to tears is the realization of what’s going on and its consequences. Let me clarify I don’t have a formal diagnosis yet, but I have spoken to medical and behavioral health professionals and a formal meeting with a psychiatrist is coming up. Because they all agree “something is up” and have thrown around anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, but I’m refusing everything until I have a formal diagnosis.

All that aside, things have gotten worse. I was a straight A student. Now my college GPA is 2.2. I’m losing track of what’s real and what’s not. I always knew something was different and I pushed myself to not be like my uncle, to take care of myself, to be the most healthy I can and conquer my fears. Now, especially after the blow up that just happened, I feel like its inevitably. I feel like I’m slipping further and further into madness and that all my dreams are just being thrown away.

It hurts. I just started a new job I love but will have to rethink if the symptoms worsen. Maybe medication will help but I’ve alway avoided it. It definitely hurts my chances in this field to have a mental illness too.

Just a vent and if anybody has advice I appreciate it. If I violated some subreddit rule then feel free to take this down. I feel more at peace just having wrote it.