Warning: Abuse, sexual assault ( none of these are from my partner ). Something to make clear:  


I understand why they do this, I do not fault them. I do not hold it against them. It's often done out of self-hatred and fear with them thinking they are not good enough for me and *that they are too mentally ill to deserve love at all* which is untrue. They are unable to find treatment, that is not their fault either. Their past is rife with traumatic experiences which I will not disclose for their privacy. They have not harmed me, they have not abused me in any way. This is an LDR.  


I have backstory to help you understand the context, I'm that desperate...  


So we got together right before Covid had started it's rampage and it threw all our plans out the window to meet. We've known each other for much longer and we've been close confidants even then. They have gone through hell in their life and finally are in a good place ( at least physically ) and have a stable home. But Covid had done it's work on them too, as it did to all of us. We do voice chat almost daily and when we can't, we tell each other why to ease worry. The spare time we have is often spent together, be it voice chat or through discord.   


Early on in the relationship, we were of course scared. I've gone through my own personal hell that nearly ended with me almost not being here years ago after long-term abuse as well as them. Healing through that was rough, it still is. They are healing too and doing their best and have made remarkable progress over the years that I've known them.  


In the beginning I did the same thing as them a couple of times with the pushing away. My mind thinking "You'll fear knowing how bad this is. You know what happened to me, I'm barely human. Run away while you can." I couldn't fault anyone for feeling this way about themselves. I couldn't be angry even if I tried.  


But over the course of a year they've done it quite a few, the last about a month ago. It has been a while since this has happened prior to the latest incident, maybe three months give or take which is the longest stretch of time in between episodes. I'm not suspicious of them being unfaithful, either.   


I feel selfish for hurting still because it's not their fault, they are feeling horrible when overcome by that nasty wave of emotion and if they weren't in that mental state they wouldn't have done it. They do it out of *fear of being a burden.* This is the only part in the relationship that I feel needs to be resolved in some way, since outside of that we know how to handle what comes and goes gently.  
Yet still I am scared that if or when they do it next time that it will be forever. We've been in a relationship for a little over a year and it's happened so recently. They say they love me and will not go anywhere but that wound is still hurting... I feel like my heartache is so unreasonable and stupid since I know the place where their actions come from. My weakest point with my BPD is abandonment so this hits a very, very tender and painful spot.  


Do I disclose to them that this is an issue we need to talk about and if so, how do I do this without making them feel like they are a terrible person? They don't do this because they get a kick out of it. I don't think we're unsalvageable, we don't even get into heated arguments. But they are sensitive to feeling like they are a terrible person because of their history of being abused. How do I even phrase this?   


I'm usually good at figuring things out and calmly working through them when an issue is raised but this is the largest one for me.   


Thank you for reading, it means the world to me.