Sometimes I feel like there is some kind of hole inside of me, an ugly pit, and slowly over time and over the course of my life, it has drained away more of my light, more of the peace I could feel, the hope I could have.

I find myself defining myself by the things that happened to me as a child and the abuse I've endured from multiple people, people I loved deeply. I used to be very kind and forgiving and now I feel like I've lost everything I once cherished about myself. I can hardly look at childhood photos because I feel like I lost that girl somewhere along the way, and I mourn her.

I push everyone away now because it takes so much energy to share any part of myself with others. I have one best friend who knows the most about me out of anyone and yet I hurt her and push her away time and time again. There are so many times I wish I could have been there for her more, but I sabotaged our relationship, and I just wish I could forgive myself. I used to give so much to others but now I find my depression has locked me in a very self-centered world that I can't seem to get out of. Much of me feels hollow and superficial.

And the more I allow myself to feel this way, the more of me feels like it's being sucked into that black hole, and I'll never get it back. It's like I'm retreating inwards so much that soon I might be entirely lost and no one will be able to reach me. I don't know what to do.