I'm not going to grow up. I'm not going to be like my father, and be able to get up early for work everyday, come home late, and then start working on the house before bed. I'm not going to be like my mother who believes cleanliness is next to godliness and who cleans literally everything religiously. I'm not going to be like my neighbor who can find harmony in anything simply by turning to a non-existent deity. Any and all future versions of me appear now as insufferable outcomes wherein I would much prefer suicide to them all. I know now that's its not about what I become, but rather I would prefer to not become anything at all.