I couldn’t handle it. We got together February 18th, &amp; I just broke up with him last night. He took it well, thankfully, but I know it won’t be the same, even if we stay as friends. I know it was the right thing to do, though. I have WAY too many issues going on in my life &amp; I have now realized that I dated him because I was mistaking my affection towards him as a friend for romantic feelings. It’s awful of me, but now I know I’m not ready for a relationship.

This wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, either. It’s something I thought about for a whole month. At first, it was a little feeling that I thought was just me having intrusive thoughts, but as time went on &amp; I thought more &amp; more, I made my decision.

My parents were right. I need to fix my issues first before I try fixing everyone else’s. Time &amp; time again, I’ve been proven wrong. I’ve been trying desperately to help everyone around me, all the while my mental health has been declining. I’ve been everyone’s garbage bin—I let everyone put their issues onto me so that they didn’t have to carry the weight. I did it because I’m terrified of being left behind, or feeling alone. I have conflicting emotions—I’m depressed &amp; introverted so I feel the need to isolate myself, but I also have a lot of trauma from my childhood that makes me afraid of not having anybody by my side.

I feel guilty for what I have done, &amp; for the things I thought while being with my boyfriend. I wanted to ghost him because I felt that I’d no longer be a drag on him. I feel immense guilt for having him as my garbage bin.

I also felt alone while being with him, for some reason. I’m the type of person who texts with paragraphs because I have so much running through my head all at once &amp; I can only express myself through writing. So whenever I’d send long messages about something I was passionate about, I felt deflated when I’d only receive “that’s nice” or slang such as “gg dawg”. I know he has issues with communication, to the point where he started shaking whenever he spoke to my dad (my dad’s intimidating to many people, considering he’s 6 feet tall &amp; 230 lbs with a naturally angry face, but he’s a giant teddy bear &lt;3) &amp; new people. But I also partially felt that I was doing most of the work in the relationship. I was always the one who began conversations, I was always the one who asked how he was doing—I spoke the most about my family as well. I know very little about his family, &amp; the little I learned was because I had to ask him about it.

Maybe I’m far too picky, but I just felt that we weren’t going to last. I knew it’d hurt him more if I had continued being with him. I kept my messages as short as I could (about 6 paragraphs ^^; I was very nervous I couldn’t help it—), &amp; he accepted it &amp; asked if sometime I’d consider getting back with him. I said I couldn’t see myself being with anyone for a while, &amp; it ended there. We sent memes to each other minutes later &amp; acted as if nothing happened. I wonder if he felt the same??

Anyways, I think it’s better this way. I value him too much as a friend to lose him in a relationship that would turn sour. I hope that someday I’ll be able to have a good relationship with someone (probably not for many years, considering how rare it is for me to have feelings for a person)—one that is healthy on both parts, where it is balanced.