I just had a huge revelation about BPD today that may be true for others here too. For me, I think that part of being BPD was feeling out of control of my feelings. They are so intense, and sometimes (more and more so in the past as I work through DBT) I act out those feelings - that makes me alienate people I respect, like and love and I end up losing self-respect.  

When I was younger, I was in a few relationships with controlling men - one to the point of being physically abusive. I think that part of it was feeling out of control, so their controlling nature made me feel tamed, normal and safe. Their know-it-all natures helped me feel like I was seeing light in the darkness of my feelings. More recently I have been drawn to controlling friends, bosses and clients, in the same way. As I heal from BPD and learn to manage my own feelings I am finding people like that more and more off-putting... since it really isn't a great place to live. It isn't a real relationship based on trust and shared experiences. 

One of the things I really hate the most about BPD is the amount of self-respect it took away from me. There I was, a respectable person in an Executive position and a mother, and I acted like a child when it came to certain scenarios and then the shame spiral began. Crying in someone's office, or acting out anger in a dramatic way, really made people, whether it be my husband, my boss, my employees and contractors or my kids, see me differently. Seeing it as an illness has helped for sure. And I am learning that I am an intense person who experiences the world differently - not just some messed up loser as I saw myself before.  

Real relationships are not about controlling and being controlled. They should be about mutual respect, fun and shared experiences. 

Sorry if this turned into a rant... but BPD has truly touched every part of my life, even in unexpected places. If anyone has any similar stories of losing interest in controlling people as they healed from BPD it would be great to hear! 