So today I got diagnosed from my therapist who's a counselor at the university I attend.  After about a year of counseling with him, he emphasized how I needed DBT because I match the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder.  

My first reaction was basically, "Oh fuck..."

For a while, I was convinced I had depression or bipolar disorder.  Hell, even my psychiatrist who works at that same university and prescribes me medication diagnosed me with depressive disorder (unspecified), mood disorder (unspecified), and attentive disorder (inattentive).  When I asked if I may have a personality disorder, he said my personality's too good for that.  I was relieved.  Depression I could get over, even Bipolar Disorder I could get over.  

But Borderline Personality Disorder?  Shit.  How do I get over this?  My therapist reassured me that I wasn't crazy and that I was not far into the continuum at all so there's a good chance I could recover and not fit the criteria after treatment.  But the treatment is long-term and it's not advisable for me to be in relationships.  And when he went through all the criteria, it really dawned upon me how whether or not he made the diagnosis, that's me.  I do qualify, and I need to fix it.  

While I'm relieved that I have an answer to all the issues I've been dealing with over the years (the lack of controls over emotions, suicidal thoughts, mental breakdowns, abandonment issues), I hate that I'm diagnosed with one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood mental disorders of all time.  Depression was one thing - I was never ashamed to reveal I struggled with depression.  It was common and anyone can experience it.  But with BPD, I feel ashamed.  I'm afraid to reveal it because I'm afraid of being labeled as "crazy."  Hell, even Hollywood basically gives BPD the label, "Crazy Bitch Syndrome."  

Boy, do I appreciate mainstream media going out of their way to put forth negative stigmas onto a legitimate mental illness that people actually struggle with.  /s

And that's what scares me right now: the fact that I have to hide or be labeled a "crazy bitch."  Even trying to find articles of what to do after diagnosis was a struggle.  Most articles sympathize and give advice to friends and family who deal with those who have BPD.  It was hard to find any support for those who actually HAD this, not just for the loved ones who suffer from those like me.  

And that last sentence I just mentioned?  Fuck, man.  I feel like a terrible person.  I know that I've done wrong to others.  I know that I've been selfish, manipulative, clingy, and prone to major mood swings that damaged relationships.  And I'm lucky that a majority of my friends who know me and understand me are willing to still be at my side and love me for who I am.  Even so, I'm not proud of what I've done.  I don't like to hurt people at all.  I never want anyone to feel this way.  And yet during the episodes, all the empathy I value and have just go to shit - then I hurt those around me.  I want to get treated because I don't want to be this selfish individual who cares about nothing but herself.  I just...want to be normal.  

It just sucks how society thinks of me as a "crazy bitch" who lacks empathy and is destined to die alone because no one should have to engage in a relationship with me.  It makes me feel like a burden.  And feeling like a burden and feeling that the world would be better off without me is what drove me to those suicidal tendencies.  I figured ridding myself from my friends could save them from me - so they wouldn't have to be hurt anymore.  But I know that doing so would only hurt them worse, so I never went through with it.  

What scares me the most now more than ever is that I feel like I don't even know when or if my emotions, thoughts, or perceptions are legitimate.  From what I've read, having BPD means that I don't think like normal people do - that I have this different perception of reality that prevents me from being normal.  And if my perception of reality is skewed, then is my very existence abnormal too?  Now I find myself lost in thought, thinking, "Is this what normal people think about?  Is this how a normal person would feel about this situation?  Or is this my BPD?  Which one is normal and which one is an overreaction?" with just about every situation.  

I guess I'm just not sure where to go from here.  Well, I'm definitely going to continue weekly visits to the counseling center for DBT.  If mindfulness and meditation means I can eventually get control of my own emotions, I'm more than willing to try it out.  I don't want to live like this.  Shit, looking at other subreddits that support others who have dealt with people with BPD really makes me feel awful.  I used to look forward to getting married and having kids.  Now I'm scared of being a bad wife or a bad mother because of this.  

I'm sorry for the wall of text.  I just wanted to get my thoughts out in the hopes that you guys will understand.  I'm just not sure what to think or where exactly to go from here.  My previous boyfriend and I were thinking of getting back together too (after 2 weeks of being broken up to have some space and time to think about what we wanted out of a relationship).  Does this mean I have to give that up too?  

Man...this is so confusing.  And it's not very fun either.   