When I'm alone and in my room observing myself in the mirror I can attain a sense of knowing what I look like. I can move gracefully  with strength and confidence. I can even be satisfied with my appearance and feel as though someone could find me desirable. 
When I enter the public realm, depending on who I'm around, or where I am I feel as though my self perception can move like liquid. My mind will exaggerate perceived and real flaws, and moreover my body will freeze up with tension, and I'll become a shell of my privately graceful self.
 Do others with bpd experience this? I'm still unsure if I have this disorder or not but I'm finding myself at 30 years old friendless/loveless, without a career, and living in my childhood bedroom again. 