Hello. This will be a long post, so I implore you to stick to the very end. 

I’m a 21-year-old student currently in my third year of university, and I would just like to rant about my anxiety. 

Before the pandemic, I went into college expecting everything to adhere to the typical university fantasy—an active social life, amazing extracurriculars, academic achievement, etc; and I was actually on track to make at least a part of this a reality during the first semester of my freshman year. However, as my second freshman semester progressed, COVID-19 suddenly came out of nowhere, the world was put on hold, and I stayed idle for a bit.

The first few months passed by uneventfully, but as my university moved towards a fully-online setup, something changed, and it suddenly became harder for me to pay attention to my lectures and to my academics. I am currently pursuing a Bachelor’s in Physics, and I used to think that I had a passion for the subject as a freshman, but during the pandemic I ended up languishing and slacking off. I suddenly fell behind on my classes—concepts became harder to understand, I received mediocre grades, and my academic sense of urgency just completely disappeared. 

All of this, combined with turmoil in my relationships and me pushing my friends and loved ones away as a result of my isolation, has contributed to me developing acute depression and anxiety, and my actions which led to developing this disorder remains one of my greatest regrets as I am still suffering the effects of these actions to this very day.

I am currently back in university, but I feel like such a shell of my former self. I had to take an informal “Leave of Absence” from my university for one semester last year, and even if I am supposed to be graduating next year, I still am considered a sophomore credits-wise, and being 21 years old, I feel like I am running out of time.

I do not know how to get back into the hobbies I once enjoyed (reading and music being my main ones), and every time I think of academics I always get hit by a severe wave of anxiety and nausea.

I am trying to get myself back in track, as I am doing my best to schedule my academic work along with subjects I haven’t completed yet via a task-scheduler such as Todoist, but I feel like such an imposter. I haven’t told my parents about my leave of absence yet, and feeling that I might graduate super late stresses me out to no end.  I feel like a fraud for essentially doing nothing during my “online” university semesters, and now that I a, getting back into face-to-face classes, I feel lost and unsure how to navigate this space once again.

Whenever I try getting work done, I always get stuck in the “scheduling” phase, as my brain continually tells me about how I need to get EVERYTHING ironed out before doing the real work. I also feel severe anxiety whenever I try communicating out to my professors and groupmates online, as I fear that they would be judging my for replying and reaching out too late in the semester. I always freeze in front of the computer whenever I am about to email them, and I end up flaking again and again.

All of this anxiety has also taken a toll on my social life. I am lucky to have a supportive girlfriend who has been with me through thick and thin, yet I worry because sometimes I think I become too clingy and overattached to her due to my anxiety issues, and that that may just drive her away. My brain constantly overthinks all of her interactions with me, and sometimes it makes me think of scenarios whenever she goes out without me. I sometimes think that I am constantly “bundled” with her whenever she does something, and I am painfully aware of it. I love her so much and I do not want to push her way, and this is why I hate my anxiety so much.

I have also pushed away so many people away during the pandemic, and I am at a loss on how to reach out to them once again. My brain tells me that I am the bad one for suddenly disappearing and hiding away from them, and yet whenever I try reaching out my anxiety takes over and makes me think of different scenarios about them rejecting me, ignoring me, etc. I have withdrawn from all social media, yet I yearn to restart my social life and reach out to people once again.

All of this anxiety culminated in an episode last week. As I was alone in my dorm room about to visit a family event, my anxiety overpowered me in such a manner that it manifested as loud voices in my head, ending up with me on the floor alone, clutching my head having a severe. panic attack. It took me hours to recover, and worst of all, I still went ahead and attended my family event, having to put up a façade that everything was okay. 

The mere act of writing this down in words, however, has comforted me a little, and I would just like to ask if any of you can offer advice or some words on how to slowly get back up. As of now, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, though I desperately want to become better again. It’s just that the voices in my head have been too loud as of late, and I am trying to seek ways on how to slowly become better again and to get rid of these anxious tendencies.

If you have reached this part, I sincerely thank you. Just knowing someone out there has listened makes me more at ease, and I wish you good luck in whatever this is we call life.

Sincerely yours,
OP

TL;DR: Developed anxiety because of pandemic, pushed people away, faced turmoil in lots of my relationships. Now feeling that I have lost my passion for my academics and for life, and am extremely anxious with reaching out to the people I have disappeared from. Need advice with getting back up and getting rid of anxiety.