Hey guys. I'm not diagnosed or anything but I feel like I might have BPD. I feel so lost and unsure of who I am and it's been getting worse for the last 2 years. I have started shaking and blew up at two friends in the last week and broke down crying and wracked with guilt afterwards. Minor suicidal thoughts and feeling disconnected from reality have become more prevalent  and this led me to do research online.

I don't keep any friends. Been wondering why the ones who left me did so. I've asked and they either won't tell me or say I've been over-emotional or just thought I was trying to intentionally cause drama. I'm not though, at least not in my mind. Two people have said they have to walk on eggshells around me. It frustrates me because I try to be a happy, loving person.

I lie to some people because I'm scared they won't like me. I don't want to lie, but the lies just come out without trying and in the moment I truly believe them. Guilt overtakes me later and I wish I could be truthful but I'm too scared.

I constantly adapt to people I'm around. I don't know who the REAL me is. I'm unsure if I want to finish schooling and become an awesome person like I see all the time, but I also want to give up and just float through life without challenging myself. I don't know what my real sexuality is. Sometimes I feel like I simply am whatever I'm around the most. I don't know.

I want to be strong enough to fight and control this on my own, but I don't know if it'll work because every time I get motivated and happy one week, I know I'll just give up and be depressed the next.

Sorry if this is pointless.