Just venting because it’s getting bad again .

My last relationship was so intense because it was the first time I actually saw myself staying with someone for the rest of my life and finally settling down but it triggered me more than any other relationship I have ever had and after three years of trying we broke up and it’s been a year and we never knew I had bpd at the time but I’m not getting over it  . It’s like I’m permanently grieving the loss .I only got diagnosed a few month ago with bpd &amp; I just seem to be getting worse as each day goes by . Everything seems pointless . Im drinking just to try numb the pain and get some sleep . He was the only person I felt comfortable seeing my meltdowns and I can’t show how unhappy and lonely and upset I am to anybody I’m not close to so I just stay in bed and cry or binge eat or not eat at all or smoke cigarettes and all the shitty stuff we shouldn’t  do like SH &amp; suicidal thoughts .I feel like I have nothing to live for but I’m to scared to attempt again so I just feel like every day is hell and I’m so tired of these emotions and mood swings and feeling so lonely yet not wanting to connect with anybody and isolating &amp; hating myself .I don’t feel safe when am alone but I lack the ability to be in a relationship because when I love someone they have so much power to hurt me so easily and when I’m triggered I shut down &amp; isolate or get angry and act out or just act recklessly &amp; impulsive and run away from the connection . I just feel like there is no hope and I’m never going to have any peace or find somewhere I belong . When I’m numb and feel empty &amp; bored I wish I could just cry and feel something but when I’m having the emotional suicidal meltdowns I wish I could go back to feeling nothing and being disconnected . I’m just so unhappy &amp; the one person who can take away the pain is the one person who I have to stay away from because he triggers me too much