This is mainly a vent post. May not be written in a fully comprehensible manner because english is not my 1st language, i apologize in advance for that.

I recently found some friends after many years of loneliness. I used to be so grateful until this sadness came back just a couple months ago.

I don't have many friends, but the few i have, they are all so smart and full of interests. They are all more educated than i am, they all did or are doing uni, they all read a lot, they all watch a lot of films. They are into art, or literature, philosophy, movies... in a few words, they are *curious* about the world, while i'm here uncapable of doing anything except existing, only thinking about my meal and my unrequited love all day long. And when i finish my (boring, ugly, draining) 8hr office job and my meal i take sleep pills so that i can go to bed as early as possible, while the sun is still up, because i feel like sleeping is better than having to stay here with myself. I haven't interacted with any media for 2 full months, except some toxic content on youtube, about ten minutes everyday, while i'm eating. If i pick up any book, or if i try and watch anything that takes more effort than some mukbanger on the internet (even a simple netflix show!), i give up. It's like i don't even really want to try, to be honest. I only care about my unrequited love - which i never talk about to anyone ever - and the number on the scale.

So back to my friends, i fully know i can't keep up with them. For example, a friend of mine - who is a great writer imo - is now publishing online articles, and i haven't read any of them, because my brain is rotting. I already struggled with being lazier and intellectually inferior to them (even though they never made me feel bad for this) when my mood was "up", so now it feels like hell. I have this urge of leaving them before they see i have no light inside of me and leave me. I have already been left for this very reason in the past, and i can't blame the person who did it. I become so toxic when the sadness takes over. Can't talk abt anything without being negative and nobody really wants that. My friends all know i am now sad and won't be as present and lucid as before, i told them. They are supportive, but support can only go to a certain extent, as i am the person who need to fix my own issues. 

I'm seeing my former therapist tomorrow, thinking about starting meds again (with no therapy tho), see if they'll work as they did in the past.

I don't know what i'm looking for by writing this post here. Maybe someone who can relate, maybe for someone to tell me: "i have been there, it will get better". 

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But i really needed to get this thing off my chest.

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Thank you for reading if you did!