TW: discussion of suicide, rant  


I saw another post online today talking about suicide as a final symptom of depression. And of course the comments were full of people arguing that suicide is selfish. That whoever dies by suicide is a selfish human being who just passes their pain onto others. ^((which doesn't make much sense to me in the first place because if that was really the case, everyone they knew would also commit suicide. Like, no matter how bad their passing has made you feel, as long as you're alive to complain about it, it's not that same pain. Because the pain that person felt was the kind of pain that is so immense, so powerful that it takes people's lives. The pain you're feeling might be reeeaaallly great but it's still manageable for you, which is why you're still here. But that's another point entirely.))  


I've been suicidal before. And I survived it (partly thanks to great medical care). And I got to know, truly knowww, the sheer power of depression, of a suicidal episode. It's a mighty beast. It's been a few years now since I was at my lowest low, and my depression was at its most powerful, and I cannot confidently say that I would win again.   


If I had to compare it to anything of the physical world, it's like that helplessness you feel while facing a natural disaster. It's a tsunami wave, it's a wildfire. It's being in the epicenter of an earthquake. And yes, there's survivors but what are the odds? It's like that man who survived being struck by lightning seven times. What are the odds? I feel like a cat who doesn't know how many lives it has. I'm down minus 1 but how many more do I have to lose before I get to the final one?   


So, I am thankful to be doing better at the moment. And I'm working hard every single day to keep it that way. But I am by no means confident it will always be this way. I did not win that war solely because of my own power. Sometimes people just somehow survive things, to no or not much credit of their own. And somehow, that time, I survived my suicidal episode. Somehow, at the exact right moment, I had a miraculous burst of strength that allowed me to seek the help that let me see another day. And it's pure luck that I received the exact care I needed at that time. Another person at that desk, or another doctor available that day, might have changed everything.   


So what do I do now? Knowing I might still die by suicide one day. Knowing that someday it might boil down to pure luck again. Knowing that no matter what I do, that tsunami, that earthquake, that wildfire might still come and find me. If I don't want to be selfish, if I want to do the "right thing", "die the right way" - how do I prepare for this?  


How long should I not talk to my mother for us to not be considered close anymore? Is there a time limit? Do I need to cut my siblings out of my life completely or can I still see them once a year? Do aquaintances count? Do coworkers count? Should I get a home office job at a call center so no one really knows me and all human contact I have is only fleeting? Am I allowed to own a pet? Of course I can't find a romantic partner or have kids but if it's casual, how long before we have too much of a bond for it to be selfish?  


Yes, I might have 1, 5, 10, 20 or even 50 years of a beautiful life and fulfilling relationships left before my mental illness takes me but how about I just cut out everyone who I love and consequently hurry that process up a bit? They celebrate people getting married with stage 4 cancer, knowing they will pass in a couple months and want people like me to just live a life of literally zero meaningful human connections because me dying as a result of my illness would be selfish.   


Where is the logic? Has anyone who has pushed this argument ever followed their own line of argument around the next corner? Don't people understand that by telling me &gt;how to not die&lt; also is telling me &gt;how to live&lt; and that that kind of life is even less worth living? Should people who die by suicide just never have been born at all so they couldn't make human connections that they then "selfishly abandoned" in the end? Should people who are suicidal just all die those "eaten by maggots, neighbors called 911 after smelling rotten flesh for three weeks" deaths? As time passes, human connections deepen and grow. Are they telling suicidal people to rather die earlier than later, lest the effect of their selfishness continues to grow? Should I have been "screened for chronic depression with suicidal episodes" in my mother's womb so they could have all saved themselves the trouble of possibly having to live through that selfish ordeal of my passing?  


Make it make sense??