I've been rereading a lot of my exchanges with my recent exboyfriend (we broke up about a month ago), and in the beginning of the relationship, he'd always try to help me with my depression and low self-esteem. I've never really had someone try to comfort me when I'm like that, so I would push him away and tell him to leave me, to "go be happier" with someone else.

This went on for pretty much the entire relationship (which was 20 months altogether, the last 6 months were on again-off again), and I think it really wore him down. He would start to get really angry when I said things that coincided with my depressed thinking and when I would put myself down (I don't know what I would say goes with which, but I'd say stuff like "I'm not worth all this" "Im just going to stay depressed forever" "I dont deserve you/your love", etc)

I've noticed that I do it to friends sometimes. Basically anyone who tries to help me, I refuse to let them because in my mind, it's not worth the trouble to help someone who will always be so messed up. I know people are capable of change, but I feel as if I'm never going to change (but maybe that's my depression talking).

I hate the fact that I push people away, because I feel so alone (no one probably wants to help me anymore), but when someone finally offers support and help to me, I tell them that I'm not worth their time. It just repeats over and over into a vicious cycle.