Aight imma be honest with you. In not diagnosed with bpd but fuck every other side of Reddit thinks I’m fucking crazy

I have depression and ptsd and intense mood swings (don’t know why) and everything is just so intense.

I’m so fucking depressed and stressed and mad all at the same time and I’m left catatonic but with this energy building up inside of me, I feel like I’m going to explode. Nothing can take the pain away. No matter how much I cut, od, sh, fast, they all give a momentary relief but it always comes back worse. 

I’m tired of feeling crazy. I’ve been extremely suicidal all week. I always lock  myself in my room and try not to cry while I feel overwhelmed by everything. I get so extremely sad and I want to die but at random times I’d get a few hours of being fucking retarded. Of laughing hysterically, singing (yelling lol), dancing like a maniac, making an absolute full out of myself and getting this extreme rush of energy and happiness?

I’m losing my mind. I’m so paranoid about everything. I’m actually insane. I’m madly in love with my boyfriend but I want to dump him to save myself of him hurting me. I get so paranoid I freak myself out by fantasizing about scenarios of my bf telling me it was all a joke, denying my nudes to everyone, putting me on pornhub just to ruin my life and watch me suffer because he actually hates me and thinks I’m fat. I’m sure he’s reading my texts with his friends and he makes fun of me and laughs whenever he says he loves me because he doesn’t it.

I might not have bpd but I’m seriously fucked in the head. My therapist is being a bitch and telling me that “the mood swings are happening because therapy is working so you get ‘dense bursts of happiness’ “. Dude I had mood swings before I came to you, they just got worse. Both the highs and the lows. 

Idk what it is but they don’t last enough to be bipolar so I guess I’m just a fat piece of shit that’s faking everything and is just being weird. 

I deserve death.