We’ve been having issues in our relationship for a while. There’s been hurt on both sides. We weren’t great at communicating which is something we’ve both greatly improved upon. Things started to get back to normal again for a while until something which happened recently. I haven’t been able to trust him because of it. And it feels like all the thoughts I had from last time and not being able to trust him had come flooding back. My BPD makes me feel aware of all the doubts I have and amplifies them. 

He’s supposed to be with family right now as his Aunty has recently passed away. I’ve made sure to be there and comfort him. I believed this before until I got a message from his phone from this supposed other person stating they were in some kind of relationship and that he will no longer have contact with me. I was then blocked. My boyfriend messaged me from another account saying his Snapchat was hacked into. There was an ex friend a while ago who used his pictures to catfish people. He believes it was him. 

This hasn’t been adding up in my head. I’ve been paranoid there’s someone else and that he’s been cheating on me. I’ve asked him if there is but he’s so adamant there’s no one else. This convo made him question if we were better off as friends. The thought of losing him killed me. But soon after he decided he still wanted to work things out with me. He’s even agreed to closing the open relationship which I suggested to help me deal with the paranoid thoughts I’ve been having. Although I know he’s not 100% happy about that. 

I feel bad because he’s willing to work things out and I desperately want to too. I love and care about him so much and I really don’t want to lose him. But I feel like I’m being stupid being oblivious to it all. I can’t get these doubts out of my head. I want to believe him but I don’t. It gets worse whenever he doesn’t respond to my messages for a while whenever he’s busy. All I can think about is him with someone else and how he’s ignoring me. I’ve been put off the thought of having sex with him because I’m scared of getting hurt and used. I just feel like my BPD is making it really hard to trust him. He said before he’s worried too much has happened between us. I’m worried about that too. But I really don’t want to lose him. I don’t think I’ll be able to cope without him. I just want these thoughts to get out of my head so I can trust him again. Right now I don’t know what to believe.