Hello all. I think I've been married to a man for many years who has BPD comorbid with something else (control issues). This is based on his therapist and our marriage counselor (only one session), not my opinion. We're divorcing now and it's becoming a nightmare.

I'm asking about this to figure out how to make this easier. I really am trying to be sensitive to him but the pain he is causing me is intense. 

First of all, he admitted he has extreme abandonment fear. I gave him my blessing to start looking for someone else because he said he wanted to be remarried within a few months. This was incredibly painful to me, but I knew it would help him. He was very grateful for that. It turns out I was way too late. He had started on tinder and other apps pretty much the same day I made it clear our marriage couldn't go on as it had and we had to seek counseling at the very least.

He has been dating but he throws it in my face. Compares me and tells me how I'm fatter or have a less impressive resume than the women he is pursuing. At the same time, he comes back and really works on my emotions to try to get me to reconcile - but only when he's between women. When he has a date planned, he's cold and distant. When it doesn't go well, he's back weeping at my feet. When I say, "I won't bend on counseling" he says nevermind and starts contacting women at the rate of 50 or more per day.

At one point I really thought we were going to reconcile. He convinced me to sleep with him and told me we had something worth fighting for and he wanted to fight... But he was on his phone to 20 different women right afterwards.

Every time he convinces me that we can make this work, that he'll seek help, and we've had sex - immediately afterwards he'll say he wants to be open with me and he'll start confessing about the other women, things I don't need to know and that are nothing but hurtful. Then when I get upset he says, "this isn't possible because you have emotional problems". 

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In addition to all that nonsense, I wonder if he really qualifies as BPD. Everything seems to be written for women. For example, he doesn't have outbursts - but he will push and push and push my buttons trying to make ME blow up, and when he manages he seems so relieved or smug or something. He lies constantly about everything, even things that would never matter. I get drip-fed the truth, and the pieces never make sense. There's always a constant intrigue going on with another woman, meant to keep me nervous and insecure. If I don't pick up on it he makes sure to tell me. And he's completely shut down to me. We can't have a conversation about anything important. He just sits there like a stone and refuses to speak except to say really mean things to me to shame me or make me feel stupid. I've tried every which way to be as gentle as possible - there's no way I can bring anything up gently enough that he won't freak out, shut down, lie, and attack me.

I'm at a loss overall. I realize a lot of this is beyond his control and I have a lot of compassion for that. I'm just so hurt and so tired at this point.