The main way my depression manifests is in a lack of cleaning and hygiene. 

I don’t shower enough. I only shower if I need to go out. Which usually leads to me not showering from Friday-Monday. I have too much body acne because I don’t shower enough. 

I don’t brush my teeth enough. I brush them in the night before bed, and in the morning if I am going somewhere. But if I am just home all day, I usually don’t brush them in the morning. It’s disgusting and my teeth are going yellow. 

My bathroom is fucking filthy. It’s dangerously unhygienic. The mould in my sink looks like a plant. There is grime and mould and shit stains in my toilet. I can’t even use my toilet anymore because it’s clogged, so I have to use my housemate’s toilet. The toilet and my room is too disgusting for me to call a plumber. 

There is a pile of toilet paper rolls and pad wrappers piled next to the toilet as well. And the bin is overflowing with old used tampons and pads. 

My stuff is everywhere in my room. I don’t know where anything is. I still haven’t unpacked half my boxes, and I moved in almost two years ago. I don’t even use my wardrobe, my clothes are always just piled on the floor and on a chair. 

In the kitchen, the sink is always overflowing with dishes. I have a dishwasher and I still can barely manage to do the dishes until I absolutely need them. Fruit flies are constantly buzzing around the sink. 

I have been putting bags of rubbish on the balcony instead of taking them down to the bin room. There is a huge pile of bags on the balcony, it always has flies swarming around. It’s been like this for over 6 months and keeps getting worse. 

I take too long to clean my cat’s litter box, so they refuse to use it. Instead I have to put puppy training pads throughout the apartment. But I don’t replace this often enough, so the walls and carpet of the apartment all stink like cat piss and shit.

My housemate and I have our first inspection in less than a week. I don’t know how to clean it all in time. I have a lot of shit in the other bedroom as well because I used to be in that bedroom. I have been needing to move that stuff for months but I still haven’t. 

I don’t know how my housemate puts up with it. He isn’t particularly clean himself either, but he doesn’t get unhygienic like I do. Anyone else would have kicked me out, but he has been my best friend for ten years, and he has mental health struggles himself, so he deals with it. I feel like such a burden. We are both esch other’s only friends. I have no one else. 

I don’t know why I wanted to make a post about all of this. I guess I just wanted to express what is going on, so it’s more than just my housemate and I who are aware. 

I am fucking disgusting. I’m so ashamed of myself. I have been saying that I’ll get my shit together for so long, for years. I can barely manage to handle uni and my part time job. I can’t handle anything. I have no hobbies. I have no social life. I am a complete mess. 

So, I am sending this confession into the void.