Hey there, I am sorry if this post is a bit of a mess but I don’t know who else to vent to and I desperately need to. I’ve stumbled upon deepest rut of the past two years and I am not coping well. It all started a few months ago when I found a new FP and long story short developed feelings way too fast again. Things are going great and they seem to reciprocate them, this is not a heartbreak story, at least not right now. However for several weeks I felt really elated and euphoric which got my dumbass thinking this would be the great time to definitely go off my meds since I didnt feel like I needed them. Now this is a thought I have often, I’ve tried tapering before cos I hate how I have become dependent on this medication yet I always cave in a few weeks in because the withdrawal is too intense. The drug in question is zoloft which is not even one of the “rly bad ones to go off of”, yet I’ve been on a rly high dose for a rly long time. I’ve gone from 200 to 50mg - as advised by my doctor of course - and this is defs the furthest i’ve ever gotten. Usually two weeks on 100mg and i’m super depressed and anxious but this time because i had genuinely good things happening around me like i was catching up with old friends and like i said had just found a new love interest i guess i managed to pull through it for a bit longer. The cracks are showing again though. I’ve been on vacation with family which is not my ideal environment and for the past few days my depression has reached levels i hadnt seen in a long long time. I find no interest in anything, even talking w my FP feels a bit tiring, I can barely eat, I have random panic attacks and its like every little thing gets me rly irritated. My anxiety is back too - i have an incoming flight and have convinced myself my plane will be hijacked by a taliban-sponsored terrorist group. I have resorted to self medicating with alcohol and even picked up xanax again. I have gone to bed hammered for 5 days now and as much as I’ve had far worse benders this time i am not drinking for fun, which is a whole new level of rock bottom. 

I know I should go back on the medication, yet it still feels like a defeat. I know this is stupid but i wish i was able to function without it because at this point the way things are looking i will be on it my entire life. I’ve gone off the two antidepressants I tried beforehand - Lexapro and Wellbutrin - and never had rebound depression buT then again they didnt work for me in the first place. Yet zoloft works too well and i fkn hate it for it.  I rly rly hope these discontinnuation symptoms are temporary. For those of you who have successfully gone off any drug that rly clicked w u, what was ur experience like and most importantly for everyone who sees this post i could rly do w some words of support. Thanks in advance.