I don't know if this makes much sense but I've been struggling with depression for a while now and I find it hard to take care of myself, to purposefully chose things that I know are for my own good (sometimes I skip meals or don't eat for days, don't shower, don't do uni work etc) when I'm in a fight with fp or when I feel like they don't care about me as much. When we are on good terms and in my eyes they're the best person on the planet, I really feel motivated to take very good care of myself and be my best.
I know cognitively that this is messed up but oftentimes it's just out of my control. It's like whats the point if he doesn't love me, might as well just wither away.