CW!!! mentions of suicide and substance abuse!!!!!!


sorry for the poor grammar in advance, English isn’t my first language.

I just turned 18, so I can finally talk to a doctor about getting bpd diagnosed, i’ve been doing alot of research over the years, because no professional could help me with severe symptoms of extreme impulsivity, everything being “black and white”, having an unhealthy bond/“obsession” with ONE person, but still while being “unhealthily obsessed” about that one single person there’s times I hate them from the bottom of my heart, and after some time I adore them and see them as superior. I have an extreme fear of abandonment, which means that sometimes I push people away before they can do that to me. Every single day i feel out of my body and i cannot recognise myself from the mirror, and sometimes I cant even feel my own body. I have amnesia and I cant remember anything from like.. ever since I was born till like? last 3 days? i mean i remember tiny bits but i can’t recognise what is made up and what is real. I can have severe breakdowns from stupid stuff which at the time, feels like the end of the world, and I can get even suicidal from stuff that doesn’t matter, but after a certain amount of time i just “turn if off” i mean i immediately stop crying and forget ive ever felt sadness. If im happy i cannot remember ive ever been sad/depressed in my whole life, i mean i feel like ive lied about all those feelings of sadness, and when i feel sad/depressed i forget ive ever felt happy in my whole life. i have had “episodes” that have lasted like? only a few hours max, where i cannot feel any pain and i feel like i cannot die, whatever i do. i have done alot of dangerous stuff like abused substances and then smaller stuff like getting piercings and tattoos impulsively. the numerous times ive started “new” hobbies but forget about them in max. a week. i cannot keep relationships, except if its with the person i am unhealthily “obsessed” about, but they cannot handle my extreme mood swings, dissociation and idolisation of reckless things. I dont have a sense of self, ive never had. Ive gone to the extreme points, where i have even thought im transgender, and ive changed my name and appearance rapidly. Also, when
i get interested of someone, i examine every single part of that person and copy their every interest and copy their way of talking and generally existinc in society just to be more likable and wanted and “perfect”

I just need help, should I go talk to a doctor about getting a diagnosis and then getting proper help for it or am i just imagining everything am i just normal?
i have an anxiety disorder and depression diagnosed already.