This is my first time posting here, but I have lurked for awhile. I have had issues with BPD symptoms since I was a teenager and was officially diagnosed five years ago. Last year I got clean off of a long heroin addiction, stayed single for a year, and engaged in DBT group and individual therapy. 

In July I started seeing a guy that I just can't believe would want to date me. He's a couple years younger, so gorgeous, works three jobs, two of which are in fields I myself am very interested in. He's generally great. The only issue I have with him is some general teasing, but it is really meant to be affectionate and not mean spirited. I just have a tendency to take myself way too seriously and a level of emotional sensitivity that does not lend itself to good natured ribbing. 

I thought my therapy had put me in a much better place to handle a relationship, but my BPD is starting to come out. The long multiple texts, the taking it personally when he wants time to himself, the paranoia. He has not given me any reason not to trust him, yet I find it very difficult. I cry at the slightest disagreement and I can tell it must wear on him. 

He wants me to quit smoking and I agree that I should. So he has started asking me every day if I smoked. The idea of being in "trouble" or disappointing him is so great I found myself lying. I'm struggling with quitting but afraid that he will leave me if I can't manage to quit. So I just lied and said I hadn't smoked or only had one that day. So tonight he asks and I lie and say no. He says "I know you smoked today just be honest." After some back and forth I admit that I had and I just. Lost. It. 

I was crying and saying I'm sorry but I'm so afraid to get in trouble and in my past disappointing someone I cared about could mean really awful things for me. And he is of course more upset that I lied so easily about it than the actual smoking. I told him if it wasn't such a big deal to him it would be easier to be honest. He accuses me of trying to make myself the victim and so I admit that I am not a victim I'm just explaining why I lied. 

So I'm bawling on the phone with him about how I'm really struggling and going through a lot (grandmother dying, moving soon, sister is on drugs still) and then he is trying to calm me down telling me not to be so hard on myself. He said "just don't lie. Don't beat yourself up" I say "ok I'll talk to you tomorrow." 

But I can't leave it there. I send him like four texts about how I'm so sorry and I feel so awful and I'm afraid he is going to leave me bc I am struggling with quitting smoking. He just says "just don't lie. " then a few min later I tell him if he doesn't want to be with me I totally understand, but my guess is he fell asleep or had just had enough of it. 

The last message I sent 20 minutes later saying I had stopped crying and now just felt embarrassed. 

I'm so humiliated that I can't keep my crazy inside all the time. Why am I like this? I have done so much work but I still fall apart at the slightest feeling or rejection. It is almost like I want him to break it off bc I am scared of making a total fool of myself even though that isn't what I really want. I really like him. It has only been three months. How can I fix this? I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated with myself. I wish I could just be a normal girl that didn't freak out when he wanted a night alone or feel so terrified of being looked down upon that I automatically lie. Please help. I just need some tips and words of encouragement from people who know how I feel. 