Not asking for a diagnosis, really more an understanding of what severity of childhood trauma *could* trigger certain behaviours later in life. If however I've made an oversight, please delete as appropriate. 

I'm having a really bad spell today. It was triggered by going on a date 2 days ago, and it has led to me dragging up the negative past. 

I'd (M36) like to ask if any of you think that my experiences as a child might have influenced how I behave now. I suppose in a way I'm seeking validation, or rather some form of understanding. Not sure if the experiences are severe enough?

To put it bluntly, Dad is an alcoholic, and I feel he was emotionally vacant when I was a kid. If I ever did anything wrong, instead of discussing it, he would see the red mist, and often chase me to my room, and try to force the door open to punish me, usually slapping. I honestly can't remember what I did to upset him so badly, so much, but It was always anger before speaking, so I didn't have any way to understand what I'd done wrong. I suppose it became a shitty game after a while.

Growing up, I only remember fear, and extreme anxiety, which would often be unbearable at night. 

I have memories also of him telling me I'm ugly (like him, he would compare the two of us) and that life was pointless, shitty, and I'd never make anything of myself. This would happen when being positive. If anything he almost perks up if I have anything bad happening to me these days. 

Also had zero input from either parent, but specifically Dad, about grown up things, shaving, relationships, anything for that matter. These days, if either myself or Mum didn't start conversation, he would just sit in silence. 

Aside from that, I can remember strange, inappropriate sexual behaviours I had towards my brother (tried to kiss him (as an adult would kiss each other) when I was &lt;10 years old...go figure) and I've developed a sexual interest in Men, ie a homosexual. I don't remember any sexual abuse though, so I can't comment. I have an extremely early memory of a large dark object lowering onto my face and feeling very claustrophobic. Apparently I cried a great deal as a baby due to tummy problems, and I was almost strangled at birth with the umbilical chord!! I know for a fact my parents resented me for the crying as a baby. It was hard. 

My mother hates any form of conflict, so couldn't do anything to stop all this. I think she felt a bit scared of him too. I learned in my early teens that my Grandad would use canes to beat Dad, and literally displayed said canes on the beams of his house, kinda like horrid reminders of control. So I can see why the anger was passed down. My mum's own father was literally absent and ran away to Ireland when she was very young. 

Lack of healthy boundaries led me to seeing a guy when I was 16 and tbh, I was forced into sexual activity even though I didn't want it. Life since then has been a complete cluster fuck. But do you think that sort of environment growing up could lead to a behavioural problem today? 

Thanks for reading my blog post.