This is a long one so strap in.
Hi guys I am a 20 year old male. And I feel as thought this is the best platform to address an issue I have been severely severely struggling with for going on 2 years now. 

Living with adhd I found myself always being the guy to make people laugh. Always doing stupid shit saying the dumb shit that people laugh at and just being an all round goofball. However one decision I made has opened up the vastly negative OCD side of my adhd brain and has no joke been debilitating to my whole existence and has been deeply haunting me ever since. Let me set the scene. I’m 17 drinking at a house party in late May 2020. I have a Filipino friend and we are all drunk and he says the n word we say breh u can’t really say that and he goes nah man I’m black. With this statement we came up with idea that it would be hilarious for (me) in a blue jumper to put my knee on my Filipinos friends neck and place him at the butt of the joke as he is a brown skinned Asian and reenact George Floyd’s death because he said he was black, and that was what came to our teenage boy minds. The worst part was that this was photographed by one of our other friends who captured a photo of me a (white teenage male) laughing with my knee on the neck of my friend.

This act was the worst thing that has ever happened to my life. And I cannot stress that enough. The most interesting part is, that photo never got out of our boys group chat and into the public, some of my friends say they deleted im not even sure where that photo could be on the phones. Which does scare me. But nonetheless it never made it out of our friend group into the public. Now this is where is where is gets fucked that image and thought in my mind of me doing that, and that photo existing, has caused me so many mental health problems it’s ridiculous. Firstly the over bearing guilt and sorrow I feel is immeasurable, like I genuinely would not be writing this if I didn’t feel a burning deep down shit feeling inside. I legit am swarmed by the guilt of doing this that it has quite literally ruined my life. My brain has decided its going to give me intrusive thoughts on this every waking moment of the day. I’m dead serious I wake up in the morning and without even my first thought my brain reminds me “you did that” “your a scum” “you don’t deserve anything in life”. The problem got so bad I would take myself to the local pub and gamble to take my mind off it so I could focus on something else for maybe 15 fucking minutes. Now you get how serious and persistent my thoughts I’m now going to break down exactly what they consist of: 
My thoughts everyday tell me that’s I’m a racist for what I’ve done. But I must stand for myself and say that there was genuine to god not a racist thought when I did the act. When this happened the whole thing was very fresh and the impact of what had occurred was still yet to settle in. Also I would always cheapen myself for laughs and thought that this was another one of those times, however this came with a lot of consequence. This was so ADHD of me cos I acted on my impulses and did something I didn’t even think about because if I knew how wrong and hurtful it was I would have never done it. And now look at me. All I thought was it would be funny to put my friend at the butt of a joke and putting that power dynamic there and messing around. Like it’s so hard when your put in a position to say “I’m not racist” because you look stupid regardless but I genuinely could not be further from racist. Literally all my idols are black, 99% of the artists I listen to are black and I absolutely love black culture. Lastly I am also very into black women but this now has become difficult and let alone women in general which I will get to later. This is where I’ve come to the reddit for this part for support. My brain is also telling me that I’m living a lie because rn im existing with this information about me which has not been exposed to the public and I feel like the perception of who I am is a lie as if that photo were to ever come out I feel like I would lose an abundance of friends and respect. It almost feels like similar to being a rapist and the information is being hidden from the world (aka the photo). This is another weird aspect of it. I literally have lost all desire and sex drive for anything sexual. And this is because of the same point. I feel like anyone who I’m giving myself to sexually deserves to know who they’re getting as a person and I feel like if this information about me was public girls would never sleep with me because of how bad what I’ve done visually appears (without knowing the story). So my brain has legit turned off my sex drive because of that. My brain is also trying to stop me from being happy and enjoying life and is basically legit a constant array of intrusive thoughts saying you shouldn’t be happy you don’t deserve it. So I’m stopping myself from eating, cleaning my room and doing fun things because my brain tells me I don’t deserve it. This is another part which is extremely important. I’d say I have a fair few People of Colour in my life, and this is the fucking problem. None of them know and I do genuinely feel if they ever saw that photo that it would be an instant friendship/relationship ender and that they would drop me in a heartbeat and label me an insensitive racist. This scares tf out of me because some of my most valued relationships are with those of poc.

Basically guys I’m stressed out of my fucking mind and I’ve had times we’re this shit has gotten so severe I’ve just considering just either going into hiding and locking everyone away or just going away forever, and don’t act like u don’t know what I mean.

The thing is guys and girls I need some fucking help and insight into my situation and how I can calm my mind/ put it at ease or some solutions for my issues. I would also be great if some people of colour could comment on my issue but am equally grateful from responses from all backgrounds on my issue. Guys I’ve never needed help more in my life than now and I’d really appreciate any help I could get with my issue. Thank you ❤️