My thoughts are constantly racing and bothering me and I'm thinking "i want to kill myself" repeatedly every day. I almost have like a ptsd reaction when i encounter something that makes my anxious, so I'm constantly avoiding stuff.
I'm not going to go into to many details about what makes me feel this way, in this post, but basically i feel like "everything" is the best way to describe it.

My biggest issue is that I can't get help.
My mother is extremely against mental health and believes in the "just be strong and get over it" narrative. not only that but also gets extremely offended that her own child could possible not be perfect and be "weak".

Once a kind stranger got worried about me posibly bieng suicidal and told my mother that i should immediately see a psychologist, instead of listening she yelled, name called, punished and lectured me. Similar thing happened when my gp told her that my stomach issues where caused by anxiety.

I found a psychotherapist near me and got ready to book an appointment but then realised that since i still live with my mother I'm under her free health care provider (idk how its called in english) and so she's basically able to see the name of every doctor i go to (she's a control freak so it wouldn't surprise me that she would do that). I don't have the money to pay for it either, i live in the middle of nowhere, so i can't see on of those secret free hospitals either. Maybe I'm just overthinking it and i should just risk it and go. Idk what to do.