r/depression,

I don't want to say I'm depressed, but I'm not sure. I'm 26 now and reflecting on the past 8 years, I'm just uber confused.

When I was 18-20, I was depressed (?). I made excuses by smoking TONS of weed, which lead me to drop out of college. I was on and off with some women, but none of it was ever fulfilling.

**21 years old**

So, at 21, I was like GREAT maybe if I get a girlfriend, I'll be fulfilled. Had a girlfriend for 12 months, and after the first three months not going to lie after the infatuation stage I started to get even more depressed because I was now stuck with a person when I'm not even happy with myself yet.

Now before I continue, I felt this "anything is possible" mentality in my early 20s. Why I still do feel it, it feels like it has been "blunted" in a way? Like I can't see the world's color?

**22 years old**

Anyways, I thought then money would make me happy. Got into sales, made TONS of money, and started saving 50-75% of my disposable income, but I had no idea what to do with it. I started investing. While I enjoyed it, it all seemed very "normal". I wasn't depressed per se - but I just felt very...apathetic? Like I wasn't broke anymore, I had friends, and was seeing women. But for some strange reason, I started to mentally go downhill and started smoking weed again. Worked out a lot (bodybuilding), but gained 10lbs. Why I wasn't "fat" or anything, it's just very interesting how I was heavier at that time.

**24 years old**

Got laid off from my job due to COVID. In a way, I felt happy that it happened. I had a good amount of savings-ish, but was generally confused about what to do so I went back to college for my BS + MS. It was all a blur with all the studying. I tried to brush off my feelings about school.  

**25 years old**

Was very unhappy, KNEW I didn't want to get into corporate America. I started investing everything in crypto. Made over $300k, but felt so out of touch with reality I didn't cash out anything and lost it all. I started to browse cars to buy, better food to buy...but I just didn't feel any pleasure in it. Because of my desire for nothing, I didn't store it anywhere. I did buy a new car though. Was fun for a week....then I sold it 6 months later because buying a depreciating asset just made me cringe getting into it. 

**25 11/12 years old**

I have a decent-paying corporate job, making \~$72k a year entry-level. The job isn't bad, but there are days  I cry before bed (srs) because I feel like my life isn't where it should be. I'm not sure where, though, but not in corporate. I see the days flying by FAST, my parents getting older, and nothing brings me joy anymore. I save $2-3k a month, and while I'm starting over from nothing (luckily not in debt), I'm just...tired. I have this nagging feeling to do something big, but I'm not sure what. 

I drive a cheap Toyota 2004 RAV 4,  I have basic rent + $200/m in student loans. My debt to income-ratio will probably never exceed 5% unless I buy a car. 

Women never satisfied money, money never satisfied me. WTF is there to look forward to?