I've had a really bad month, especially the last two weeks with self harm and suicidal thoughts and reckless behavior. 

Today, I had a really bad ptsd attack that triggered me to really badly self harm and during that...I wondered if I should go to the hospital. 

There's pros and cons, like pro: I could finally get meds since no one is taking new patients. Con: my old doctor is at the one they'd send me too. Pro: I'd finally be able to focus on myself and not my fiancée. Con: they have bpd as well and have a huge codependency on me and if I go, they'll try to convince me out of it like last time. 

What should I do?