I understand that people are going through worse situations than me and may God bless them but I just need to know what’s going on. I went to a psychologist a month ago but I still feel curious and concerned my mental health.

Ever since very young I was very anxious, and overall just down all the time. I wasn’t too sad there was a lot of happy moments but I never felt happy with myself and always felt like a failure and just kinda watched tv all day. But the thing is I had sense of dread feelings for a long time, I never knew where they came from but it was worse long time ago. Couldn’t really sleep cause I was scared of the dark or I was anxious that I don’t feel safe at the moment. I could be watching the funniest things but I still felt a dark presence or a sense of foreboding over my shoulder and it was awful, I was never 100% relaxed and was just living in fear. Idk why but I never really liked to stay home all day, I always wanted to go somewhere or go out, now that I’m thinking about it and maybe I’m exaggerating but maybe something happened to me long ago, I don’t really think that’s the case but i always felt like going somewhere just to get out of the house I never felt 100% safe at home.

Growing up I felt miserable and a loser, mostly due to bullying and poor social skills I think i have chronic depression due to this but I am getting better. I even had a case of maladaptive daydreaming where all I wanted to do was daydream all day and everyday and even prayed to God to make than imagination scenario happen.

There was also moments of dramatic mood swings like for example, I’m bored one moment then I decide to eat something and then i decide to do something else cause all of a sudden I don’t feel like eating anymore and then I go back to my bed to watch something and all of a sudden I feel like sleeping. Just moments like that, maybe that’s me wasting the day and trying to occupy my mind but it just feels weird.

I went through a bullying incident in 2020 that triggered my anxiety and self hatred, I was very angry and stressed and couldn’t sleep and was very sick like losing weight and having stress symptoms and now it could be a anxiety disorder at this point. I kept having moments of derealisation and questioning my sanity. 

I never knew what anxiety was but my life’s been weird and lately I’m trying to uncover what caused this, my father is schizophrenic and bipolar and I have a sister with Tourette syndrome and I never thought much of it but now I really want to examine my mental health. I plan to tell the psychologist about these experiences.