I’m not sure what I am looking for here but I’m turning to you all either way.

I’ve been having a hard time for a long time. As they say, “Progress is not linear.” There have been some notable highs in my recovery as well as those low low swings that feel as though they may never end. 

I lost my Mama 5 years ago. Unexpectedly and tragically. After 12 years of sobriety she relapsed and overdosed and passed away. Devastating. She was my best friend, business partner and we shared a home together raising my nephew and my disabled brother. The details around the situation are horrific, so for this post I will leave them out. Let’s just say it was very graphic and there was a lot of trauma from discovering my Mom, trying to revive her and failing. 

Now, I’ve come a long, long way thanks to therapy and DBT in managing my PTSD and working towards forgiving myself. Not only was I too late and unable to revive her, the last conversation we had was an argument on the phone. I had suspected that she was relapsing and was trying a new approach of tough love...I was cold and cruel and as she said she loved me I purposely didn’t say it back. My Mom and I were two peas in a pod. We rarely fought and when we did we certainly never went to bed angry...of course this night I did. I know in my heart it was because I was trying to bust my cycle of enabling her. I have worked hard to accept that she knew how much I loved her despite this stupid fight. 

It was her death that brought me to my diagnosis of BPD. Finally. Something made sense. For that reason I try to look at the situation to having some kind of hidden blessing. My grief from losing her brought me to my knees and every symptom was exacerbated. I could no longer manipulate the situation to hide my unhealthy coping skills. They were undeniable. I got help and I’ve been in treatment ever since. 

But here I am 5 years later and I still haven’t moved forward. In many ways I’ve corrected a lot of negative behaviors but there are a few, especially the biggest most troubling ones, that have me paralyzed. But it seems I’m no longer able to hide these unhealthy coping skills much anymore. And they are affecting everything and everyone I touch. 

I guess it could be described as overwhelmed but on a daily basis I struggle to get up or take care of myself at all. I take care of my nephew and brother just as I always have but I even feel that I’m not doing as much as I could or doing as well as I could by them. I rarely shower or change. I can’t seem to finish one simple task. I can’t focus. I can’t think of anything that I feel interested in or look forward to. I can’t picture the life I even want anymore. I just exist and try to keep my head above water. I feel completely gripped by fear of making the wrong decision that I am so indecisive that I am just letting life happen to me. Like I’m sitting on my hands as not to screw anything else up. I over think about everything...even a commercial will send me spiraling in thought until I’m so lost I don’t remember how I even got there. 

I’m thinking of changing therapists as I’ve seemed to be running in place after 3 years with this one and she has forgotten several of our appointments. 

I think about my Mom everyday and I hate that every day makes me further from the last time I laughed with her or could touch her. 5 years later and I just can’t see my future without her in it. Now after being paralyzed with fear I’ve gotten myself to the very real possibility that if I don’t do something soon then I will miss out on the chance to a happy marriage and children. I’m 33 and the furthest place I’ve ever been to knowing who I want to spend my life with or how to make those things happen. The people that want these things with me are pretty much at their breaking point and tired of standing still. 

I’ve read that people with BPD grieve differently then those without. Perhaps I’m still grieving...really I just feel like this is who I am now. It’s not the way my Mom would want me to live my life that’s for sure. 

I don’t know why I’ve become this way. I use to take action. I use to be the one to make the decisions. Now here I sit. Frozen.