Hi, I'm knew to this area of Reddit.  I'm in the car after another failure or however I'd like to frame this as my family is taking a mini cruise (2 hours) on a boat trip. The idea of getting on, despite all the tools I use (I have everything TouchPoints, medication, cooling sham towels, ear buds for meditation) at my disposal, was overwhelming.  I was reassured the "pirate crew" could be accommodating and kind (though I don't believe turning around would ever be an option). I asked a bit about the journey which wasn't so bad and then as I hit the boarding area of this vessel.....I froze up. I was asked are you sure several times about not going. And I explained I just didn't want to panic and ruin this for my family as well as the 50-80 other people. My wife just said here's the keys and probably saw this coming the prior 20 minutes. I mean I'm agnostic and I was praying to God to make this go smooth. Le sigh.

This isn't new. I've been dealing with anxiety since I was 17. It wasn't as bad....it's grown worse due to specific addictive medications (working on that). Every vacation my wife picks something out that is just right on that borderline of a little out of my comfort zone. Disney? Lord help me. Beach? Well, here I am in a car waiting two hours for their return. I can't even abandon with my tail between my legs because our car is wedged between two others until everyone returns. What I'm getting at...and I don't mean to sound all "dude bro" here....I feel so emasculated each and every time this happens. Like as a dad and a husband, why can't I just gut through and see it's okay? I mean it probably would have been but it's like one gets to take a sample and say...."Mmm, no, this isn't for me." And then I could Jack Sparrow off this fictitious pirate ship looking for an island to plunder instead. 

I got right to the car, I thought maybe post to this anxiety Reddit, and to maybe lose this level of pathetic I feel. I'm just sick of letting down the family and missing moments. I know all of the science of what's going on and that I should be kind to myself but, damn, I wish I had just gone and tried. Pushed through. I feel like at some point her level of understanding is going to give and I'll be on my own....always taking the weak way out. I wanted for this to be a success and it wasn't. 

TL,DR: I have anxiety and I let it ruin a family boating event that I probably should have told my wife I wasn't feeling too sure about anyway. I feel emasculated, dumb, and embarrassed. I'm sick of each vacation having an event like this despite how much I've gutted through many events without telling the wife I'm pushing through for my family (like just the whole 7-8 hour car ride here, long walks to the beach where I was agoraphobic).

I'm a mess. Any love/advice/sympathy from you fellow sufferers would be great. I'd James Bond a yacht to hop on board as a late arrival but I don't think my credit card limit can cover that bill.