My bf of 2 years and I have decided to break up. Our history has been long. It was filled with lying, trust issues, our own mental health issues and communication issues. 

I went through my depressive phase first and he stuck with me and took care of me. He helped me find help and gave me a lot of resources and support to help better my mental health. And then He went through his depressive phase. I stayed and took care of him and provided him with the support he needed. 

But still the communication was shit. I made assumptions all the time and I didn’t know how to express myself because I couldn’t identify my emotions because of my BPD and it was hard for him because he has ADHD and I was just soo slow for him. So I just bottled everything in but of course that makes everything worse. And then he started to talking to girls. We talked about it and how we weren’t going to talk to other people. He deleted the guys he wasn’t comfortable with on my phone and I deleted the girls. But then he added them again or he added more and continued to talk to them in ways I was so uncomfortable with. 

He went on a business trip to Florida in March, the beginning of COVID and we saw how the flights were so cheap. So I bought a ticket and went for the weekend. I thought we were in a really good place and I was happy. But then the next morning, I see he has a separate snapchat. Filled with all these girls he’s been talking to. He’s had tinder and bumble and added them onto that snap. I told him that this was our last trip together, that this was the last time we’d see each other. We talked about our relationship and how things went south and what was going wrong. Instead of breaking up, we decided to go on a break. When we came back, we went on a break. Gave each other space to see what we want. 

I gave him another chance, we both decided to have a fresh clean start in our relationship. It was good but I was still dealing with my BPD splits and so this made him slowly stop loving me. Which I don’t blame him for. My splits hurt him and exhaust him and so I kept hurting him. I almost lost him a few times and so I really dedicated myself to get better. I feel like I’ve really done the research, stayed on top of my medications and identified my emotions well enough to be able to control them before I act. So we finally started getting good. I did my best to be the good gf, the same gf, the logical gf. And I thought we were in a really good place. 

All I asked of him was not to lie to me. I told him that I wouldn’t be mad at him, I wouldn’t react after he says something that might hurt me. I would take it, and calm myself before reacting so we could talk things out. But I caught him lying to me again. He had talked to more girls and I had asked him if he was talking to them and he said no. But I kept asking him to try and give him chances to tell me the truth. But instead he kept lying to me. Then I finally told him I knew he was lying. And then he gets mad at me. For “digging” for the truth. Instead I wanted to just keep giving him chances to tell me the truth. 

He caught feelings for one of those girls, but he said he picks me. So I told him to delete the girls, to block her out of our lives. But he said he missed her. He dreamed about her. The amount of pain and betrayal I felt was heart wrenching. I couldn’t stop crying for days. He said that he has a problem. Talking to girls and needing that attention from them even when he has a gf. Even when he loves his gf. So he said he needs to go to therapy, figure his shit out. But he can’t figure it out with me in the picture. So we decided to break up. 

But I don’t want to break up. I want to be with him. Even through all that hurt he put me. He has given me so much insight, so much love, so much care and support that I don’t want to lose him. But I know it’s the right thing right now to let each other go. But I just can’t handle this right now. My heart hurts all the time and I’m not sure what to do.  

I want to just be loved and wanted and I just want to be enough. I just want to be enough for someone.