Well im not sure what to do about my health anxiety and its gotten pretty ridiculous. I feel like ill never recover and i will live this way forever because so many things have happened, that one lifetime isnt enough to unpack it all ....im 30 years old &amp; female.

Its like, okay so as far as health issues, ive had kidney stones before, i currently have gallstones and they want to take out my gallbladder... I have PCOS, have had 2 major spine surgeries, and have broken several bones on different occasions brequiring surgery. So Oct. 2019, im like COOL just got my spine fixed, i dont have to walk around with a literal broken spine anymore in the most excruciating pain of my life while everyone around me is "perfectly fine"! But THEN in 2020 i got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, Lyme Disease &amp; Narcolepsy .. (yes for real, all of them, i had a spinal tap done obv.) 

So right before my eyes my health had began to deteriorate, and yes, i exercise almost everyday, take supplments and vitamins, eat vegan diet and eat all that mushroom green powder shit but my body still hurts, my bladder is still starting to have problems, my gastro stuff is out of control and im sitting here having chest pains every other hour and have to wonder:

1. Am i having a heart attack?
2. Am i experiencing the usual "MS Hug"?
3. Is it costocondritis or whatever the fuck the ER told me the last 6 times ive been there these last 3 months
4. Am i taking too many stimulants because i literally cant stay awake for more than 10 hours a day?
5. Is this a pulmonary embolism? Since you know i have leg pain AND chest pain or is it a bloodclot?
6. Is it just anxiety? 

Etc.

All of this wouldn't be so terrible if my mother didnt die in a car accident, my father didn't commit suicide after his second wife died in front of us from a stomach anyerisum, and if my last boyfriend didnt die of an overdose. 

So with all that being said, can i really deal with all of this? Of course i can, im a Scorpio. But that doesnt mean that just because im "dealing" with it and appear normal and fine on the surface, that im not living in utter misery every second of the day from trying to both mentally/physically handle real symptoms of my illnesses as well as imagined symtoms that only feel real but are actually caused by the anxiety i have over the fear of death that stems from my traumatic experiences with said death. 

This is all without to mention the fact that i am basically raw doggin life at this point at least thats how i feel ever since i overcame a crack addiction in 2016 then an alcohol addiction in 2020. Im just out here not on antidepressants or antianxiety meds only smoking weed and taking my prescribes medications. Which is fucked all in itself.

Like, sorry you have MS and narcolepsy but now you have to take crack pills in order to survive. That is literally the same as being like, we know you used to be an alcoholic but youre gonna have to drink alcohol now because of your condition, ya better control it though! 

Idk im fucked up in the game rn but at the same time thriving since despite my health issues, im actually in the best physical and spiritual shape of my life. These health issues pushed me to lose 80 pounds this past year and a half through hiring a personal trainer, getting regular exercise, eating vegan blah blah blah and i have to say, i look great and everyone is so nice to me now -_-  but also, its just a painful thing to feel like youre deteriorating yet growing at the same time.. falling apart yet coming together all at once .. 

I know that mentality is going to govern the way my health pans out over the next however many years i have to live. I know that anxiety makes health problems worse and considering everything i cant afford to make them worse. I just want to calm down but i am afraid to go on medications for it. Is there an end in sight? I keep waiting for this feeling to end, thinking there will be some point in time when itll be over but at the same time.. time doesn't exist for me and sometimes i walk in circles, and walk from room to room because i cant remember what im doing, what im supposed to be doing, or even sometimes who i am. I dissociate so easily and am in a spot where i can't tell anymore what is emotional and what is neurological and i just sit here and stare at the wall because im honestly too tired to even do anything else.

I have a strong connection to spirituality and have been studying occult science very deeply for nearly a decade. But i cant figure out WHY i cant pass this final threshold? Like WHAT IS IT? I feel like i need to go to the peruvian rainforest or something and do Ayahuasca. I recently went on a 6 week roadtrip from NY to LA and i had some great realizations and maybe im being impatient but holy fuck. Come on already, im fuckin ready to move on give me the TRUTH with a capital fuckin T. I get it, its a fluid "unattainable" sort of thing and i get that, but its just fucked up how i can read every damn occult book on everything you can imagine. And im not talking new age spirituality shit, im talking ancient complex spiritual practices and knowledge that have been passed down through the ages. Like OKAY. Thats cool but how can i fully integrate? Because currently i am chained to physicality by this terrible anxiety over my health and fear of death. 😩 How many Rudolf Steiner &amp; Manly P. Hall lectures do i have to listen to? I know, enough to induce the internal state of  vibrational equilibrium equivalent to that of the Earth. Enough to realize that if we all reached the highest state of consciousness physically possible in this 3rd dimensional reality, that humans would be able to communicate with each other and work together in perfect harmony through thoughts just like a colony of ants or bees resulting in the return to the state of perfection humanity fell from causing Atlantean Gods to flee and bring their occult knowledge and architecture to places like Egypt, Mexico and China and thats where mythology comes from and explains why all cultures describe a great flood in the earliest days and also expains why there are the same pyramid formations in china, mexico, and Egypt all  lined up to the stars in Orions belt and literally i can sit here and explain EVERYTHING in great detail about how science and spirituality is one in the same and can be proven through Quantum physics. Right so i sit here day in and day out marinating in the answers i found and i have this great picture, that i literally spent hours and hours and hours and days and months researching late hours into the night on the computer, at libraries etc.. im not talking youtube conspiracy theory videos im talking rare occult books from Diff periods throughout history put out by spiritual groups youve never heard of, Mulder wS right the truth is out there, you just have to work really hard to look for it and it cant be revealed through simply reading the same material that another person read because it is a dance between your internal state of being and the psychological connection between mind and matter ... Pst, not mind OVER matter, mind IS matter! You have to literally eminate the correct vibrations in order to attract the correct material necessary for progressing up the great "golden chain"  ..SO.. following my intuition, i was guided from piece of information to piece of information, taking time in between to integrate and observe .... seemingly guided by some mystical greater power, experiencing profound synchronicty after profound synchronicity resulting in the inability to even express how much straight MAGIC is in my life all of this so that i could discover what exactly Carl Jung was onto when he wrote the Red Book. HOWEVER, my problem here is that this anxiety is fucking persistent through all of the magic and through all of the knowledge......  So simple right?! 🤯 Call me Alex Jones fuckin junior except slightly less fantasmical and paranoid. I mean look at my life, is it any surprise that i would end up becoming an extreme introvert, Nd fall deep into addiction, trauma, research, death &amp; rebirth like a true Scorpio? 

Bless you if you actually read this far you either are like wow shes fucked up, what the fuck is she on about? this bitch is crazy or Holy shit she knows what shes talking about 😆 bruh let me just tell you next time u look at someone who seems normal, it could be me... Meaning .. just cause someone blends in and doesnt seem too different from the next person, doesnt mean that they havent been thru some shit or doesnt mean they arent going thru some heavy shit. Some of us are really good at hiding it.