Just wondering if anyone else has a form of BPD where you are just too paranoid and anxious to interact with people at all to the point of sabotaging your own life. How do you deal with the fear of being hurt over and over? In addition to, or possibly due to, some traumatic things that have happened to me, I am extremely sensitive and I always feel like aggression is being directed at me and it makes me not want to go outside at all. There are many times where I can say without question that it was real, but sometimes I genuinely don't know if I'm splitting(?) or if the perceived threats and red flags are real, and I am just too scared to be hurt again so I just kind of run away. 

No close friends and never been in a relationship at all. My only contact with other people is online, and lately I haven't even been wanting to interact with anyone. I've been working from home since March. I often end up self-isolating on an extreme level, beginning when I was very young. I'm in my late 20s now. The longest I've ever spent without leaving my home is over 2 whole years. Throughout my life, I've been hurt by other people, including people I naively trusted, in every way you can imagine.

Every time I open up and get close to people, there are consequences and I'm not sure if they're self-inflicted or what. I often have trouble discerning what is my illness and what is a reasonable perception of what is happening. Things that happened to me at work and in my personal life have been really validating my feelings of victimization lately. I've made a personal vow not to ever confide in anyone again, just to be safe, after some recent trauma. I guess I'm breaking that vow by coming here, but idk what else to do. My life feels outside of my control and I have a crippling fear of other people that seems to get worse every day. I burn every bridge. I don't think I can ever open up to a therapist or anyone else ever again. I don't even go outside. I have groceries delivered to me, not because of the pandemic, but because I am too scared to face people. I feel totally alone, but not in a "feeling safe" kind of way. Starting to think I can never feel safe.

Everything going on in my life and the world right now terrifies me, but the world was already terrifying. People are inherently cruel, imo. If I have to be alive, I would prefer living on an island by myself with maybe just some animals, because they are honest, predictable, and only hurt you if they have a good reason.