 huge cringe ramble. i'm not diagnosed bpd but in this sub i read long winded text posts of self loathing, insight, and imagination and i feel right where i belong more than other corners of the internet. so if this vent reaches to anybody here, or if you have anything to say about yourself after reading this, that's great

i've spent 70% of my adult life alone in my bedroom avoiding becoming more than a scared child or making human connections. one year i tripped a whole lot in a span of a few months, no respect, no caution, not even enjoying the moment, i was always pushing for more. to be high enough to see the world for what it is. i wasn't searching for an explanation of life or an answer exactly, but i wanted to be shown a will to live instead of experiencing or earning that will. my last trip i lost my sense of self, got stuck in a loop, and was shown the nothing in life and stopped all drugs

i focus too much on introspection. i need more action in life. i obsessively judge my feelings and thoughts for authenticity. instead of playing video games and laughing i play games and i wonder is something outside myself (i don't know how to explain this. "something outside" could mean my inner brain, disorders, god, society, or bad energy almost like figurative demons) influencing me to play games in order to escape the truth. the truth defined as either a) all of this is nothing or b) the fact that i'm making no progress in coming to accept the bizarroness of life and reducing my fears/increasing the beauty.

rationally.. these thoughts are self destructive doubts. not guiding intuition. they're fleeting, let it go. bc if i were to listen to them i'd probably isolate myself further, doing nothing, enjoying nothing and what's the point? so when it comes to things like hobbies, i say fuck you to my head and do it even if i doubt it.

what's harder to say fuck off to are negative thoughts surrounding my relationship. night time/before bed is a high anxiety time for me. so sometimes i will wonder if i have been pretending to love my partner this whole time. i've been pretending to have emotions and a personality/values/beliefs. and if i smoke too much weed i'll get all out paranoid and convince myself that he's been manipulating me into staying with him and being a doll/robot for him. part of me wants to believe it IS my intuition. if i run away i can become myself. in reality i wake up the next day fully in love and appreciative of him, the biggest support in my life, the most grounding person i know. the flip flop wears me out and stretches my brain to goop. i think i put it into my head that i have no freedom just so i can continue to live life aimlessly, where all my unhappiness isn't my fault

thank you for this space to type things out. it's nice getting a break from my easily tricked fragile nine inch nails selfpity brain

i like to meditate, journal, and above everything to exercise. after i quit using drugs to pass time i moved onto too frequent sex to feel more, and exercise helped me quit that. i wrote this in a journal a couple years ago and i read it when i want motivation to sweat: the only time in my life i stop racing thinking is the 5 minutes after i've completed exhausting exercise, when my whole body is burning, all i can think of is sensation and i hope thats how i die. exercise is the opposite of sex for me, i love it completely. sex keeps me in bed, wondering about being touched or worshiped without deserving, i feel this need to be fucked or touched and i can't understand why besides "i hate myself." and of course afterwards nothing's changed. moving and burning gets me out of bed, it's me who makes me feel good and it really does feel really good. for a few moments i have no judgement on myself or others i just enjoy what i did, after nothings changed too but it doesn't come with the emptiness of sex