Not bloody tears but because of the pain you feel and the urge of wanting it to stop, you end up clawing at yourself, scratching, hurting yourself in the process.

I've been getting triggered so much these days and I can see my control over myself slipping away. Up until recently, I had a good hold of my thoughts, I get triggered still but I would bottle it up and isolate myself until I no longer feel unsafe. Unlike with my past partners, this method does not sit well with my current. He prefers to talk it through.

What triggers me most is fearing feeling rejected, neglected, or disregarded. It doesn't go for everyone I meet, only with those who I really care about - in this case my partner. Being left on read, hearing how attractive other girls are for him, being late to meetings, bringing up his exes - they all trigger me.

It's hard to explain to him that in my episodes, I lose myself and split. My feelings for him disappear and all I can think, feel is fear and anger. This comes out most especially when we end up taking about what's in my head. And I end up hurting him, accusing him of choosing anything but me. I already hate myself for not know why and for actually having these thoughts and I hate myself more for hurting the one I love the most. I'm aware of the hurtful things I say but I could never stop myself. It's always after I see how much damage I've caused I feel the guilt &amp; shame. No wonder he calls me selfish, immature, fucked up.

And it's true.

Last night, after being horribly triggered and saying something even I hated hearing, it finally dawned on me how much of a monster I really am. I always asked myself, how could I possible have BPD when I'm the one who chooses to leave all the time? But then I realized I was just afraid that they would see who I really was and leave me first. Yet here I was, with a man who has patiently suffered through all the shit I threw at him and all I could do was pile more onto him.

Last night - why I was so estranged with my family, why I chose to not have close friends, why I was so problematic - all my memories made a lot of sense. And for the first time in my life, I actually really wanted to feel how it would be to stop breathing, to disappear. The wind by our balcony felt so good, so light, I wanted to fly away with it.

I was awakened by the cold breeze that hit my then freezing feet at 4am, realizing I fell asleep crying on our balcony swing. I went in to grab a blanket and my partner stirred from his sleep calling me to bed. I couldn't bear sleeping next to him with all the hurt &amp; shame I felt so I scooched over to the edge. I lost it when he came close and hugged me, knowing I was freezing like always. I woke up feeling decided that I would leave, take myself out so I couldn't hurt anyone anymore. But he wanted me to go to therapy, he offered to go with me. How could I, this monster that doesn't deserve anything, have someone like him in my life? I don't understand why he does this for me. How he says he loves me or that he cares for me. It doesn't make sense.

I no longer want to hurt. Myself, or anyone else. I know I need help. I know I have a long ways to go. I just don't know if I can recover and still keep him with me without getting to the point where he would finally get exhausted and give up.