I am a trans man who came out to his family around 6 months ago. Because of certain factors, including being in my last semester of college, I did not come out publicly and continued using my deadname. I thought I would get a fresh start once I graduated. I didn’t anticipate just how strongly my parents would react and just how much they would limit my ability to transition. I am taking a gap year in between undergraduate and grad school and most of that year was going to be spent living at home. It’s been a month and I’m already at my wit’s end. 

My family refuses to use my right name or pronouns. They constantly debate the veracity of my identity to the point that even I’m doubting myself. I don’t know what I am and honestly the only coherent wish I have is to die. Then I would have to live this half formed, fucked up life where I can’t even riddle out something as elementary as my gender. I wouldn’t have to deal with knowing my father thinks I’m insane and my mother can’t bear the idea that I’m not her little girl. I wouldn’t be a fucking disappointment. 

At college my depression had gotten somewhat better. I’m suddenly back to feeling suicidal nearly every day. I can’t handle this anymore