I’m not sure how to feel about myself. I just feel like life has turned me into a very cold person or maybe it’s my nature I’m not sure.

I tend to always feel lonely when I have no friends to talk to. I hate the feeling intensely. But I quickly switch and want to be alone at times and once it reaches that point I just want nothing to do with anybody.

I don’t know how to explain the feeling I guess it’s similar to fatigue but in an emotional sense. The longer I have to socialize (physically or even virtually) with a person, I immediately shutdown. Something within me just feels so annoyed and tired. I feel uninterested and occupied with my thoughts.

I feel like I’m not being productive enough or using my time wisely. I just hate this. I hate how indecisive I am. I hate how I ruin every friendship/relationship I have because of my mood swings. I can go from being extremely happy and bubbly one moment to just completing losing interest the next, with no actual reason.

When I say ‘lose interest’ I just feel like I’m tired. I feel exhausted and like I’m forcing the conversation to keep on going. But my issue is so confusing because the moment I’m alone I feel lonely and like no one wants to talk to me. I don’t mind loneliness but it gets excessive when I act the way I act because people get the idea that I don’t like talking to them.

Truth is, I do but I’m highly selective with how I spend my time. I automatically wander off mentally and my thoughts don’t stop. I think of the reasons why I’m never good enough, I think of what else I could spend my time doing, I just feel so exhausted as well. Exhausted in the sense that I don’t know what to do. I know the other person on the receiving end feels me losing interest. They sense the difference when I just get quiet and cold. It’s like my emotions are like a broken light switch, automatically turning in and off.

I just hate feeling this way. I’m exhausted. I hate the person I am. I feel so bad about this. I can’t even focus on a conversation without my mind wandering away. It’s as if I hear the person but don’t know how to respond or just simply don’t have the energy to?? 

I hate this. I’m just tired. I feel like a piece of shit.