i've been really struggling with my depression and bpd lately. only a few days ago, i was at one of my lowest spots and questioning myself and my friendship with my FP. starting the other day, i quickly neutralized my feelings and shifted towards a positive attitude. (he and i can only be best friends. she loves him and makes him happy. she and i can become friends too.)

i was watching some dr fox vids today and noticed 2 things i did that are actually pretty good!

the first is from his video on splitting. i was able to place that my feelings for my FP were in the all good category; but i was then able to make sense of those feelings in a gray area, instead of one extreme. same on the negative side; he's in a relationship with someone who's not me, insecurity, abandonment issues, etc. but i was able to find some good things in there as well. my mood swings concerning that issue are much less severe, because i can intertwine the bad in the all good, and vice versa.

the second is noticing my urges. just recently i was talking to my FP, and because he wasn't giving me the exact responses i wanted, i had the urge to turn my phone off and ignore everyone for a few hours. but then i realized that i only desire to do that because i'm triggered that he didn't respond to me correctly. which then led me to think about why he may be acting differently, and thus i considered that he's mentioned being anxious and not having a good day. and i was okay.

it's weird. i'm okay in a situation i definitely thought i couldn't be. i'm okay!