My Father left me when i was around 2. My mother has been an alcoholic my whole life and it wasn't just glasses of wine, it was a new 40% vodka bottle every single day until she ran out of money. Sometimes she'd take my money and spend it on alcohol. We moved to 3 different countries every 2 years basically. I became aware of her problem around the age of 9. We'd go through airports with her completely drunk. She'd cause scenes on planes and id have to try convince everyone she was okay. Once, she was too drunk to know who was taking us to our home town. She was talking to some man as i was crying by the airport exit. I was the one that ended up sorting out everything and calling the person who was picking us up. Shed tell me how she got raped by 4 men and abused by her mother when i was about 8, and she'd explain it all in detail. She'd ring my friends parents trying to embarrass me. When i was 10, she rang the police because she thought i was missing, when i was actually in school. The principal called me out and police were in her office and I had to try come out with a lie. I was nearly taken away from the social workers at the time, but she still didn't stop drinking. Around 12 was when it REALLY started affecting me and i realized how bad her problem really was. She'd always lie to me how shes not drunk. Her eyes would go all wonky, and her voice would go more high pitched which was how I instantly knew she was drunk. Around 13, we started getting into physical fights while she was drunk. 

My father also was an alcoholic and when i was at the age of around 8 she'd constantly tell me how she doesn't know who my father is and how he'd beat her up and drink all the time. He never lived with us after i was 2. Once apparently he tried throwing me out of the window. My dad once wish me a happy birthday 4 days before my birthday. A few days ago he rang me telling me he blocked me because i didn't talk to him. He asked me for my age too. It upset me that he called me like once a year when he was drunk. After this i had an episode. I never had a stable father figure there either. The one that lasted the longest was one of my moms boyfriend's, whod physically beat her up and id cry in my room listening to her crying. 

I feel so fucked up because of them. It was already hard but i developed anxiety and couldn't go anywhere in public without feeling EXTREMELY anxious. I started drinking and smoking at 13, got caught many times yet my mom still didnt stop. I met a boy at 13, he made me so happy and then we guy into an argument and he spread MANY rumors about me telling people im a slut. I got constantly slut shamed and threatened to get bet. I never felt more alone. I'd have breakdowns and feel like im simply too sensitive. I also felt stupid because even after that boy did all that, i still constantly wanted him back. It was so hard for me to deal with everything and its still so hard to forget about it all. My mom would stop drinking and id feel so happy and hopeful until she'd start again. Eventually she went sober after finding out I've been drinking, smoking, vaping and mitching school. Yet i still hold everything against her and refuse to get close to her. I think it was because of all that, that I developed anxiety and bpd. Its so hard to live with it. Sometimes i just want to completely disappear.