Before starting fifth grade, I was a happy child. I loved going out to play and to hang out with my friends. However, my dad became really strict as I began secondary school. He would always get mad at me over little things, such as doing something wrong on homework. This all became worse as I started 6th grade. He would start beating me for not doing my homework or just doing it wrong, not knowing the subject perfectly and stuff like that. I had a small group of friend that I always hanged out with, but they were just making fun of me, because I was trying to make them laugh. They always called me stupid or and idiot  and always bullied and said bad stuff about me. However, since covid appeared,it got even worse .I would get shouted at more often and it really made me feel like I was the one in the wrong. Until we started learning online in 6th grade, I changed my friend group because the old one clearly didnt like me. I started going out with 2 boys from another class, and they really made me happy. I was considering moving to their class because my classmates didnt like me at all. But then my dad just went out of the line and took my phone and found some stuff that I totally regret doing. After he finished I couldnt even stand up. I was just crying and crying and I couldnt do a single thing. Fast forward to summer vacation, I started wanting to kill my parents. My mom was almost as abusive as my dad and I always hated her.I also wanted to commit suicide. I knew it was wrong,but after all they had done to me what was I supposed to think. I didnt kill them, I just continued on with my life. That vacation made me really happy and I thought I found another reason to live for. I cant really remember the exact timeline because of all the trauma I have endured. But after starting 7th grade, I really wanted to die and I actually tried to kill me. Thats when I was hit with depression. The friend group I had so many joyful memories with started hanging out with others and I felt left out. They stopped talking to me progressively. I was lonely and I just wanted someone to talk to, so I returned to my old friend group. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life if not the biggest. Just like 2 years ago,their behaviour didnt change. They still kept making fun of me and talking bad about my behind my back. My parents slowly stopped being so abusive but I refused to forgive them. Guess what, my friends ditched me for a childish reason. We were all playing and they asked me if I could give them some items and I refused because they never did anything to help me. And so they cast me away for this reason. Again I was all alone and I didnt have the courage to tell anyone about my suffering. A few weeks later my friends asked me if I want to hang out with them. And of course, because I didnt want to be left all alone I accepted. This is where is started noticing something. I hated them from the bottom of my heart but I still liked staying with them. That year was the most horrible one I had lived. I then started to show more advanced symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. Deep down I always hated my friends but I still wanted to hang out with them. I also started to have more mood swings,be more anxious and depressed. I couldnt understand why I liked something then the next moment I didnt like it anymore. I also observed changes in my behaviour sometimes, not knowing why. I just thought that I was bipolar and didnt give much thought. I wanted to be happy and to live a peaceful life, but I also wanted to commit suicide and to suffer even more. I had trouble remembering stuff too, like I wasnt present at the moment of the action. After school ended,I started hanging out with 2 girls from my class. One of them was just like me, depressed, anxious because of her mom and stress. Her dad died when she was little. She tried helping me, doing all she could. But, I knew that nobody could help me. Instead I became her therapist and I was always there to listen to her problems and to give her advice. She was the first person I truly loved. The relationship ive had in 6th grade was no more than childs play. But this time it was different. After being depresses for so long. I always thought that I will never feel happiness again. I was a weak person and I couldnt even cry. We had a school camp coming and I was really excited because I wanted to tell her how I feel. She already knew I loved her but not in that kind of way. But of course, something had to happen. I never had any luck in my life. She completely changed her behaviour and started making fun of me and became colder. I was sad again. After that I still remained friends with her, but whenever I tried to tell her about the stuff that was in my mind, she would always only talk about herself and it was clear to me that she stopped caring. I helped her get through so many suicidal thoughts and attempts. She would use to take tons of pills or drink toxic stuff or even jump of a building but I always tried to help her to stop trying to kill herself. Not a lot of time passed as we stopped talking and being strangers again. I learned the hard way that life isnt fair. I thought my life was getting better, but it was only a illusion as I was distracted by a girl.This is basically my life story. I am 14 now and I have been through a lot. But im not done. I still want to talk about my deteorating mental health
As I said ive always hated my friends and I wanted to make them suffer as they did to me.However, that wasnt enough. I wanted to kill them. I struggled to remain calm whenever I felt the urge to kill them. This may sound edgy but thats how I really feel.I have a lot of anger in me waiting to be released. However it went to a point where I wanted to hurt and to kill people for fun. My double personality disorder is just getting worser and worser every day. I have lived under the impression that my life was going to get better. But here I am, questioning my own identity, my own sexuality, what I dont and I like. Im slowly losing the will to live and I am seriously thinking of commiting suicide. I dont know what to do. No one can help me. Im just a hopeless miserable failure of a child that doesnt deserve anything. What should I do?? I want to die but at the same time I dont want to