In my last therapy session we figured out that I've always covered up anger with sadness, so there's this build up of anger from over the years thats been suppressed. Which results in me being triggered so easily and having burst of anger then quickly covering it up with sadness and shame.

My therapist said to write a letter from when I was younger and just expressing all the things that my parents did that made me angry. I'm supposed to just sit with the anger and feel it, but it fucking sucked. I did it last night and it was as intense as it always is but I didn't stop it by being sad or feeling shame for feeling angry. I just let myself be angry, it felt so uncomfortable and disgusting.

I slept and now I just feel so drained, like I want to just curl up into a ball and stay in bed all day. I feel exhausted and tired, it's like, although I let myself be angry for an extended period of time last night, now it's starting to be covered up with sadness and shame again. 

I had to call in sick for work today and that makes me feel even worse cause I know they needed me today. Then my manager only saw my text 2hrs before my shift, she told me to ring the shop next time. It just adds to that shame, it feels like I should never be angry because it just results in me dissapointing people and making their lives harder. 

My FP doesn't really understand how to help/deal with me, and he said, "I feel animosity from you, I get that you're frustrated, so I'll give you some space, is that what you want?". I don't have animosity towards him, I just feel drained and I feel bad I can't be the cheery person I usually am around him. So now all I want to do is ignore him for the next couple of days. I know he says he loves me and says he wants to get to know the good and the bad, but it doesn't feel like he can cope with the bad. Everytime I let him in and tell him that I'm struggling with intense feelings, he doesn't really understand how bad it actually is and just tells me things that end up making me feel worse. So whenever the happy side of me isnt out I just wanna shut him out, it feels like if he actually understands how bad the bad is, he won't be able to cope and will stop loving me.

If you're still reading, thanks I guess. Idk I don't really have anyone in my life that may understand all of that.