For me the hardest part of my relationship is identifying moments of disagreement between my husband and I and knowing if the issue is only BPD, if there is boundaries being crossed or if it is a combination of both. I need some other perspectives, please.

Husband has a coworker. A female, attractive coworker. Husband has stayed with that coworker for a week a few months ago because my BPD was to much for him. I don’t want to get into the weeds about her and him but essentially there is a feeling that he has broken trust with her and on top of that, I can assure she is not a friend of the marriage. She is HIS friend, as they have both made clear to me.

Now after he stayed with her and he hung out with her a few times at her place apparently he realized she isn’t a good friend and he HAS put the brakes on. He hasn’t gone over to her house in forever and even though she gives him every opportunity to hang out and talk to her, he has stopped what was happening before. I want to acknowledge that because I think it is important.

So the situation last night is that his friend has given him, a while ago, access to her Hulu account. Well he had given me the login info and I created my own profile about a month or so ago A week or so ago I noticed my profile was deleted, didn’t think to much of it and recreated it. Last night she texts my husband telling him to ask me not to create profiles on her Hulu account.  

I wasn’t in agreement to delete it because A. It doesn’t harm her profile or otherwise interrupt her service, and B. Apparently my husband can have a profile and it’s not an issue. So I tell my husband that. And he gets defensive about the situation, about her, which gets my blood pumping. 

I point out he is being defensive and he says, Duh - because you are just going to freak out about this and let your BPD get the best of you and drag this out all night and not drop it. 

I think about how he has never gotten defensive over me towards her, quit the opposite and frankly it opens old wounds and hurts. Another WTH moment is that when I try to communicate why I think she is being petty, he tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s just my BPD talking and then he mocks me.... “what, are you gonna let this bother you all night? Are you gonna stay up all night while it eats away at you?” (I fell asleep shortly thereafter as the conversation ended). But yes, her request coupled with his reaction did bother me.  Our inability as a couple to talk about a woman who doesn’t respect our marriage but loves my husband is a challenging dynamic. 

The hardest thing for me is moments like this where I am upset but I struggle to know if it’s BPD, a healthy boundary being crossed or a combination of both. Any thoughts? Thank you for reading, when I know BPD is distorting my perspective I can work through that so if that’s the feeling you get, please don’t hold back.