I was friends with someone for 5 years, best friends really. Near the end of those 5 years she confessed to me that she had romantic feelings for me. We were romantically involved extremely briefly after that, around a month. It was my first romantic experience and I was really overwhelmed and confused. I didn't feel fully comfortable with everything that we were doing, specifically the physical stuff. I was scared of and didn't really know how to say no so I gave in, because she kept saying things that indicated she really wanted it. Stuff like "I just always want sex" "it's so hard for me to control myself" etc. I told her I didn't want sex but the next day she initiated sexual stuff. I was scared to reject her. We had talked about sexual stuff in the past, but I just wanted to take things slow. It was my first experience, at my old age of 25, and I felt embarrassed that I didn't know what I was doing. We weren't in a relationship or anything really, she just told me she wanted time to work on her OCD before committing to me. But stuff was still going on between us and she was still pursuing me. Near the end of that involvement, she told me she still had feelings for her ex. She had called him asking him if he still loved her. They had gotten back in contact and I saw that she was always texting him, even when physical stuff was happening between us, immediately before and after she would be texting him. I didn't want to act like some crazy jealous person so I didn't comment on it. She also told me someone else was pursuing her for a relationship and another person for an FWB thing. She had spent the night before flirting with these two people and being all over them sitting in their lap and stuff right in front of me. Again, I didn't comment, I didn't want to act like some crazy jealous person. I also didn't know yet what all was going on between her and all these people. She didn't tell me any of this until after a lot of physical stuff happened between us that I didn’t feel fully ready for. She didn't really put an official end to things. She just told me she wanted to go see her ex and that she had feelings for both of us. I didn't find out till later that she actually just wanted to get back with him. This was the day after she told me she wanted to be with me and "chose" me. I felt so sick when I found out, I literally threw up the first time I heard her voice again after she told me her and her bf were back together. 

The whole experience left me very hurt. I felt very used, cheap, ashamed and discarded. This was about 9 months ago and I haven't told anyone out loud about this experience, except for once to my therapist. In the months following that I tried really hard to be compassionate. I tried to tell myself well she had BPD, it makes romance hard, I know because I have it also. But the more time went on the more she kept telling me what happened between us didn't mean anything to her. She told me she just pursued me because she was jealous that someone else would be my first experience and not her. She told me she regretted that we were ever friends and that she only cares about her boyfriend. She told me that I was the biggest mistake she ever made. It was sad for me because our friendship meant a lot. Some other fights happened and she ended our friendship. I approached her a while later and asked her why she thought it was okay to take advantage of me for my lack of experience, and she told me I just made that up on purpose to target her OCD. Even though she told me herself on at least 5 occasions that she only pursued me out of jealousy that someone else would be my first kiss, etc and not her. Meaning if id had experience before, none of this would've happened.

My point with this long ramble is: how much am I allowed to be angry at her and hurt over this? It's been 9 months and I cant move on. I feel so gross and dirty over this. Like an object there to screw around with and throw out is what it all made me feel. I have such a hard time focusing on what I need to, which is school and my job right now. It feels so silly to be hung up on something that lasted for such a short while. I try to have compassion for her mental illness, but it's so hard. I don't know if her having BPD excuses doing this to me. She was my best friend and her lack of honesty and her manipulation and the fact she led me on really was a huge blow to my already non-existent self-confidence. She knew I was very insecure about my lack of experience, she would even tease me in the past and say I'm an incel. She also knew I had a lot of religious anxiety and that going into my first gay romantic experience was hard mentally. I just don't know how to move on. I don't know what is okay to dismiss when someone has BPD. I have BPD also which makes the emotions even more confusing. I'm lost and hurt and I dont know if I'm allowed to be given she is mentally ill. I don't know if her mental illness is even what caused this to happen or not, but she did use it as an excuse. I don't know if that is okay or if I am supposed to just forgive her and act like it was okay to be treated like this by my own (former) best friend.