Before I begin, I want to say I am not suicidal at all, but it has crossed my mind as an option a few times. 

I may be being a bit dramatic. I don't know. My life isn't in the shithole thankfully, but I entered my 20s with hope, and it has done nothing but beat me down. 

**TL;DR** *I am looking for a few words of hope because at this point, my life seems like its come to a standstill, and the longer I sit, the more depressed I get.*

I graduated college at the peak of the pandemic with a Chemistry degree, thinking I was going to Dental School. Well my GPA wasn't in the least bit competitive for entry, and spending the time studying for and paying for an exam to MAYBE pass and join a school where I MAY graduate from wasn't what I wanted to spend my time or money trying to do. I got a job in Quality Control for a pharmaceutical company, and while I liked my coworkers a lot, my managers and supervisors were the passive aggressive assholes that kicked their feet up at 5PM every day and didn't care that you were stuck at work until 11PM. They expected me to make this company my life and made me the asshole when I challenged them about it. No thank you. I quit. 

During my half year mark with this company, I decided to move out of my parents house for some peace and quiet, and got an apartment with a roommate. Well I had enough money to survive, but now I was completely unemployed. I worked at Amazon for night shifts during peak holiday season (God, I was fucking miserable here) and meanwhile I spent months job searching and found another job for a company and found a job with a smaller soap making company. Cool. Quit Amazon. Worked at this new company for a few months and everything was chill, until one day my manager walked me into his office where an HR Lady was waiting on me, who promptly proceeded to fire me. I can't tell you exactly why, I have made a few mistakes before, but the piss poor training was to blame because they put their entire nightshift into my hand with only about a week of training. I wanted to argue, but the look on his face told me "Get out. We don't need you here anymore" I left. Unemployed again. 

I painstakingly made it to the end of my lease and got a friend to replace my spot on the lease, so now its no longer my problem. However, this mean I'm back home in my moms house. Great. 

My parents are good people at heart, but they are absolutely emotionally manipulative, and unstable at times, tearing the whole house apart in their screaming matches over one smart ass comment my dad made, or one about our family back home in India. 

Recently, they've been about my sister, who is 35 and refuses to get married. In my Asian household, that's a no no. But she doesn't have to hear the earful, she lives 16 hours away in DC. I get to hear the most of it.  Its the same shit. Every week. Every month. Every year. For the past 8 years. I see the sides of both my parents and my sister, but for the love of god, let it go. It only makes them into bitter old people, and I am starting to resent them for it. They have crowned themselves parents of the year, but I wouldn't do so much as even give them a participation trophy, they have instilled trauma and resentment in all three of their children. One of which moved out and is married, happily bought a beautiful home and I am happy for him. The other refuses any marriage proposals but she is living happily on her own with two cats and making money. I am happy for her. 

While my parents are busy chasing after my sister with marriage offers, I feel left out and forgotten. I am only remembered when they need something, or someone to yell at and take their anger out on. I try my best to make peace in the house, but it is costing me my own peace and happiness. I have no girlfriend, no job, no friends, no motivation, no encouragement, no guidance, no direction. I feel forgotten. I workout regularly, and I'm currently looking to obtain a pilots license so I can work and travel and maybe turn my life around, but often times I feel overwhelmed with anxiety that keeps me up at night, like am I making the right decision, am I going to hate my life in the future, will I have a future? Why can't I just end it all so I don't have to deal with fighting for peace and happiness that I can't ever seem to obtain? I am happy when I'm alone, but sometimes that happiness feels empty when I realize there's no one to share it with. 

&amp;#x200B;

I don't know. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I know this feeling of depression inside me is lingering. I should count my blessings but also, how can I cope with my feelings? I feel stuck and no matter how much I move I can't find a way out, no one can help me but myself, but that also means I can give up and just sink.