Hi Reddit

I'm a 32 y/o male. For 17 years now I have suffered from GAD caused by a feeling of derealization . But I would like to talk about some specifics. 

I had a good childhood. I was a happy kid. I had absolutely no reason to be anxious and/or depressed. Then one day I got really high smoking weed for the first time. I will never forget it. I was 16 and I was ripped. It was a complete nightmare for me. My entire reality came swooping down like a title wave of horror. It's really hard to explain. It was like my ignorant bliss was being ripped from my head and now suddenly nothing made sense. I felt so much guilt and shame and horror for no reason. 

All I wanted was for the feeling to go away. I managed to get home and go to bed. But from that day nothing was the same. It was like goggles I couldn't take off.  Everything around me seemed the same but my perception of it all was different. I became an observer of a foggy disconnected world. A world that I suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable in as it made no sense. I became jealous of people who didn't have this worry or feeling and still had that blissful ignorance I had as a kid.. This made me feel disconnected. The real feeling was impossible to explain, but these were my best efforts. I was anxious 24/7 for because of this feeling. 

That was until I realized I wasn't alone and there's this thing called Derealization [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derealization)

My problem is it never went away like for most people. My life has been a struggle ever since. I feel like this day in and day out, with anxiety and irritability through the roof to go along with it.  I have had some luck with SSRIs, therapy and meditation but nothing that lasts. Ever since that day I got high I have never been able to be my happy self ever again. 

I am sharing this because for one it feels good to write down how I am feeling and two, I am hoping someone may have gone through something similar and found a solution that worked for them. The important part here is how it all started for me. I don't have social anxiety. No childhood trauma. Nothing. It all started after smoking that pot. It changed me forever and I can't kick it. 

Note I could go on in detail about my therapy and meds but I don't want to overwrite here. I am very self aware and have tried a lot. I am just starting to lose hope that I am ever going to get some true relief from this. 

Thanks for reading.