I am about to turn 32 in a couple of months and I am still not where I need to be. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 29 but have always experienced mental health issues since I was a kid. My anxiety keeps me from doing almost anything that involves interacting with other people. The anxiety is paralyzing and turns me into an irritated monster in the inside. I become short with everyone including my husband and kids and then will quickly realize I’m not handling the situation like I should be and become overwhelmed with so much guilt the only way to escape it is to sleep, only to feel almost the same when I wake up. 

I used to be able to tell when my moods were evolving or changing. I feel as though now I am rapid cycling through mania and depression so frequently my body and mind just can’t keep up anymore and don’t want to work with each other. I can never remember anything and I forget almost everything. I feel physically exhausted and emotionally drained all of the time, until those days come where I’m cleaning everything in the house and make it to the gym 3x a week out of nowhere before I just crash again. I get all of these “wonderful” ideas about how I could prevent our bankruptcy by becoming a CDL truck driver, or take up a CNA class because that day “I loved helping people,” when in reality that’s the last thing I want to do.

My husband and I live with his parents and we have been the last 2 years since I lost my job due to my mental health. We have too much debt to be able to afford any kind of apartment. My kids live with their mother but I see them every weekend. Space is limited and his parents drive me insane. They are very needy and very controlling and also, very old. Before we lived here we lived on our own for 1 year but before that, we lived with his parents again. We’ve been doing this “off and on” living situation with them for about 10 years now, all because of my mental health affecting my ability to keep and job and the fact we have accumulated debt trying to pay for everything with my husbands teacher salary. Florida teacher salary mind you. We can’t afford shit here. Everything is so expensive. I just want help. I have tried the free mental health clinics and hated the way I was dismissed. I have tried almost every medication known with no results. What do I do?

I have applied for disability with ssa and have been denied 2x. Talked to a disability lawyer but I need a medical
Provider that’s willing to respect me and work with me before it can go anywhere. I wanted to not be like my other family members so affected by bipolar. Yet here I am and always have been.