I don't even know where to start. Today, I was a complete wreck. As pathetic as this sounds, I had a dream last night and a girl that I really used to like was in it and when I woke up, I was devastated. I'm a 23 year old guy who has never been in a proper relationship in his entire life and it's giving me so much stress and anxiety. I don't have as much social anxiety anymore (which is what used to hold me back in talking with girls) but my generalized anxiety is what's holding me back. I don't want to burden someone with what I feel is a lot of anxiety. So now I'm caught in this feedback loop where I'm anxious about not being in a relationship despite really wanting to be in one and not wanting to date because I feel like my anxiety would ruin the relationship. I feel so stupid writing this. I guess it helps just releasing my thoughts anonymously. I can't tell this to my family or my therapist. It's just so goddam embarrassing.

I just want somebody to care for and someone who will care about me. It makes me so sad just writing this. I can't even listen to songs that talk about relationships anymore e.g. country music and some pop music without getting a knot in my stomach and having to turn it off. Same goes with movies, if there is a sex scene or something like that I immediately flip it off. Seeing people holding hands while walking to and from class outside, people talking about their relationships with their friends at the library while I'm studying at the table right behind them... it just leaves me depressed for the whole rest of the day to the point of getting some really bad thoughts. I am at such a low point in my life and I just want to cry