I'm going to try to keep this short because, quite honestly, I don't have the energy to go too much in detail right now.

I was a live-in caregiver for an elderly lady until last October, when she passed away unexpectedly. I went from having a well-paying job that I loved, a stable and comfortable living situation, financial security, and good insurance to having absolutely none of those things. A week later, I was diagnosed with BPD (unrelated technically, it was only by coincidence that my psych appointment lined up this way). My entire life essentially crumbled within a week's time.

Since then, I have been absolutely spiraling. I flunked out of college, couldn't find a job, and had to move back into a very uncomfortable and insecure living situation. Nothing has improved for me; if anything, it only seems to be getting worse. I reached out to my mother, who offered to help pay for a stay in a month-long treatment center, which I was eager to do in hopes that something, anything, will help. But, in the time it took me to find somewhere that accepted my shitty ACA insurance plan, she changed her mind and opted to pay for a vacation for her and her husband instead (can't make this shit up). I have no real support system, as I do not have friends (not saying that for pity, it's just a simple truth).

So basically, I just need *help*. I don't know where to turn and my mind is a constant jumbled mess. I want to sit down and form a plan to get out of my current living situation, get a job, find a new therapist, etc but I don't even know where to start. The dissociative episodes have started to be nearly constant, and I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything that it's making it very difficult to get any sort of clarity.

Ideally, what I want is to move across the country (I've been eyeing Washington State), away from my toxic family, to get a fresh start. But I'm scared to take action on any kind of decision like that, because I'm afraid I am jumping the gun and will end up in a bad situation if I'm unable to support myself. I just simply do not trust myself to make any kind of decision like that right now.

It's kinda difficult to articulate my thoughts, but this is typically how my thought processes go:

*I need to get a job before I can move, so I can save some money. But to get a job, I need to get my mental health sorted out first because I won't be able to hold down a job in this state of mind. But to sort out my mental health, I need to see a therapist, which costs money. And to get money, I need a job...*

I feel like getting a hold on my BPD would help a lot, and I think maybe that should be my first step. But I don't even know where to start regarding that, since my diagnosis is still so new and somewhat unfamiliar to me. I also feel as though the BPD is not the only thing going on, but I have no idea where to even start with getting any other illnesses diagnosed.

How can I get out of this rut? It all feels like a vicious circle and I don't know what to do from here. I feel totally immobilized, and it's driving me insane. I just feel like I need some sort of push in the right direction, whatever that may be.