I’m so tired of this. This life, this existence. The sad thing is that I’ve always felt this way. I first expressed my suicidal ideation at the age of 5 years old. Even with all of the therapy/meds/treatments ect. It never really gets better. I feel micro moments of happiness, and I can just begin to believe in a life worth living.. and then it all shatters around me. Something bad always happens to ruin it like snapping out of a nice dream. It feels like more and more bad things keep happening, over and over again. And not minor inconveniences, but major life changers and I just want to be done. I hurt all the time. Every day. I feel so sapped of meaning, of joy. I finally think I’ve moved past abuse , trauma, death and heartbreak and then boom. Something else hits. It’s been so constant these past three years &amp; I really want to call it quits honestly. I’m only 23, I can’t imagine a lifetime of this pain. I’ll only lose everyone else that I love over time &amp; grow old and alone. I don’t think I can take another 50 years, another 30, hell another 23. I have to fight hard to be happy and then something new happens that pushes me back down in the mud. I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to lay in the mud and cry. I want to fall asleep. I want to die.