Hello everybody. I hope you don’t mind me just writing on my experiences as the child of a mother who is a schizophrenic. 

Firstly I am 16 years old. I’ve figured out that my mother had a sort of mental illness at a young age. I’d remember my mom lashing out at people in public such as in the malls for supposedly staring at her. I understand that paranoia in social situations is a common thing among schizophrenic people, and was wondering if you guys experiences something similar before. 

I was 13 years old when I began facing physical and mental abuse from her. This was related to the previous thing I mentioned in thinking that I look at her in a weird manner. It at the time fucked me up a ton because I genuinely thought that sort of thing wouldn’t occur between the two of us, so it made me feel like shit. 

I’ve never felt like I could truely feel who she is. I just feel as if this disease stripped her of who she truely is. When her and my dad first married (in her early 20’s) she seemed so lively and vibrant based on their old photos. Nowadays my experiences with her often feel dull and emotion less. When I talk to her I constantly think at the back of my head of ways how to not get her upset, which makes our conversations boring and un interactive. Despite her disease, she is at times an extremely loving and caring person which always gives me hope. 

We tried to hook her up on medication. Dad got a court order to allow them to forcefully take her to a mental hospital until they approve her medications. Keep in mind that she is someone that has very little social life (ever since we immigrated a while back she hasn’t made any friends). Her experience there was downright horrible. She would refuse to leave her “room“ no bigger than an office space. They told her that she could leave as soon as she complied with taking the medication but she never did. The initial intent my dad had was to have them forcefully give her the medication, but he ended up pulling back because it was too much to bare.

Something I see on Reddit a lot is “letting go of toxic people“ to be able to live your life. This is something I just can’t see myself ever doing. Despite the fact that most of my experiences with my mom are negative, I just don’t feel like it would be fair to let her go as if the roles were swapped I would want the help that I try to give her. Its just not her fault that she’s schizophrenic, so why would she deserve to live a shit life.

I genuinely appreciate anyone that read this and am fully open to any advice you have.