I can’t stop thinking that he doesn’t wanna be with me, and that he’s just staying with me because he hopes I change at some point. I don’t think he’s that attracted to me. Even with things he’s into sexually, I can wonder if it’s because he’s been influenced by fit, gorgeous women he’s seen online, or worse, maybe even his sister-in-law (I know, ridiculous). I have this nagging feeling that he’s hiding motives and his true thoughts from me. It makes me wanna call him out or ask insecurity questions that I know are inflammatory just to vent some of the feelings out, or catch him being wrong. It got so bad the other night that I wanted to just snoop to see if I could find anything. I didn’t, but it’s obviously not a good sign that I felt like it.

In turn, though, my bf can’t feel safe around me because of how volatile I am with all my emotions and insecurities.I can’t help feeling that I’m holding him back from a better life. I imagine that, if he ever broke up with me, he’d find someone he’d wanna marry and have a family with, and I’d just have to sit back and watch another instance where I wasn’t good enough.

Why can’t I feel safe? I just wanna love and accept myself and believe others can love me, but it seems impossible. My whole life is eaten up by wanting to be everyone’s favorite, and wanting everyone to notice and approve of me. Without it, I feel purposeless. I can’t live like this anymore.