I work in a compounding pharmacy. The most common misconception is that you need to take a lot of something to achieve your goal but in reality all you really need is a pinch of this and a dash of that. I’ve accomplished creating such a delivery mechanism for myself. Soon it will be my day of birth and it will also be my day of rest. I have thought this through time and time again all day every day. I have nothing to live for, nothing left to gain and no one left to love or to live for. It’s a shame I was hoping COVID would have accomplished this mission for me but yet it didn’t even in-spite of never getting a vaccine and on purpose trying to place myself in strategic situations Hoping to catch it. 6 years of counseling, religious, and I can’t seem to find a way out of this hell. Throw the worlds problems on the stack and it has become what’s shaping up to be the perfect storm for me. I’ve don’t it all, I’ve raised my kids, I’ve loved and have been in love, I’ve traveled the world seen everything there is to see from Chicago to Italy there is no where I haven’t been. Yet I find myself in this predicament. The countdown has begun and soon it will be quiet. The sad part about all of this is.. all I’ve ever wanted was to be loved. That’s all. But I give my heart and it gets returned to me in a billion broken pieces and have no more energy to put it back together again. The last time I tried I failed because I didn’t know what I was doing. I ended up in the hospital on suicide watch on a ventilator in the ICU and then shipped off to behavioral health. It’s all bullshit, therapy doesn’t work and neither do the meds. Sometimes life just has a way of finding its own way. I know I’m not going to heaven because god rejects people who do what I’m about to do. That’s ok. He failed me anyways.