today i was supposed to take an exam.

i gave up on it days ago as i spent a week studying for it and i couldn't remember anything, couldn't focus and i've just gotten out of a crisis.

i decided to just call in sick (as i literally am sick - even if society likes to stigmatize us) and went to the doctor's office. 
they literally have my whole history of mental health issues documented but gaslighted me to the extreme today and it was hurtful af.

but i was dependant on them because i needed a doctor's certificate.
eventually, they handed it out to me.

but then i realized they wrote the wrong dates onto it (i wonder if that was their type of revenge because they felt like i was trolling them?).

i thought they didn't take me seriously so i went to another doctor's office but they declined my request.


so basically i went back and forth different doctor's offices to get the doctor's certificate and it drained me so much emotionally.

and all of this just because i gave up studying (aka self sabotaged myself).

even though i feel like it is cruel to yourself to blame yourself for not pushing through when your mental health is not where it needs to be.

like, if it was that easy to just study and contain all of the information, i just would have done it, right?

ughh...this illness (and people around me) always makes me feel invalid and like i just could've pushed through/ just could've pulled myself together earlier/ just could've controlled myself better.

i feel like I am always the one to blame in the end when i am actually sick.

if somebody had a broken leg, no one would blame them for not being able to walk properly.

but when it comes to mental health, it's all in your head apparently.