This is just me typing out loud.

I have intense shame around being seen as attractive. At the same time, I put a lot of effort in my looks, because "pretty privilege" is real and I'm terrified of losing the security that comes with success. 

Being liked by multiple people at a time is not unusual for me, especially when I enter a new environment. I've had instances of men in power inappropriately coming onto me. Whenever I feel too overwhelmed by the attention, I self-sabotage dramatically. There's usually some kind of alcohol involved, and being split into two parts-- an internal voice knowing that I'm self-sabotaging, and an external voice that uses my "drunk" state saying things that can't be unsaid to make myself less attractive to others. I've burned a lot of bridges and hurt a lot of people that way. I probably made the worst mistakes of life in this state.

I've also begun to "warn" people off. If I get a sense of interest from someone, I overshare my troubled romantic history: a  disclaimer that I'll disappoint them. Oversharing makes me deeply, deeply uncomfortable, because I'm an intensely private person. But I just can't help myself.

I don't see myself as worth protecting, and would rather protect others instead.

I wonder what parts are "me" and what parts are maladaptive/manipulative behavior.

Some people just have more sex appeal... maybe I'm one of them. Alternatively, making others feel good about themselves is my survival mechanism. I usually do that through friendliness and flattery. And, for the most part, men are DTF, and seeming friendly is a step away from seeming receptive and accessible. They really be do thinking they're all that, lol.

I've been shame spiraling all day about this. I keep having emotional flashbacks. I wonder if there's anything I should change about myself.