why do i even writing this post? like its 7 am in the morning and this is one of this sleepless nights... 

ive been deagnosted with  schizoaffective disorder 8 years ago.  ive been tacking my medicine all the time and tried to live a normal live. but the older i get the more im just realizing i never gonna match this  society . i wont say im like manical or depressed or smth at all. im just feeling like an alien and everything that im saying, im doing and feeling feels so different to other people. 

like an example: im trying to get new friends or dates or whatever. im always getting the feedback like im weird or different from normal human behavior. im just asking myself is there a book like with a title : how to act normal? i have one good friend who is living 600 km away we are seeing each other like every 2 years. he is kinda understanding me, and what ive been through, and in his opinion my way to think and to be is understandable if people are getting into me. but actually im really tired to build up new relationships cause its tearing apart all the time. im not blaming anyone im just trying to act normal but i dont know how like simple converstations are extremly hard for me to understand. like smalltalk and this kind of things. i gave up studiying and trying just to get a job . i tried so many different jobs and on the first look it was always like ok i can deal with it but it just failed on some point on human interaction. im afraid to go back to work again just of this factor. like the only strategy thats seems to work is just to say nothing or like super simple phrases like yes, ok or no thank you. everything else is just weird and not understandble for the people around me. i dont even know why im writing it. probably cause i have noone else to express this feeling. i tried to get to a hospital because of my depression but they declined me cause the hospitals are full and im not suicidal. i just gave up on the whole healthcare apparatus. i dont trust anyone in this jobs like im going to the doc just for the recipe nothing else. sometimes im just dreaming to win in a lottery and to get a house in finnland or something, to get a dog and just to read books and like go for a walk and see funny memes on reddit (actually the duck who run a marathon and got a medal was the brightest thing ive seen in the past months)