I lost my childhood best friend and I left replaying why it was my fault and the shit I did to get to this place and even if I am growing to be a better person it was at the risk of losing her
I think of it every day it doesn’t get easier with time because time keeps passing

I have a weird relationship I ended and I feel sad bc he is rlly attached so am I but the last day we saw each other is when he apologized for something real fucked and then left to work and been gone for 2 months and we are going to hang soon next month but fuck it felt :| since and I do forgive him my feelings just fluctuate but I still want him ): and it’s weird
Like I see attraction in others and I felt bad for it and I realized to feel like my sense of self is to create a new one and stay the fuck away from relationships bc the idea of loving someone is something I always craved in life and I only experienced shit but I let the idea of loving someone become a big part of myself and my life that I never been into anything else but wanting love
And this boyfriend I left although not together long taught me what genuine care is and I know he means it when he says he wants to marry me 
And I miss my friends I feel too disconnected from my family to talk to them

I can’t talk to a therapist and let them on because I am enlisting in the military and wanna be a therapist later in life and feel like the truth will fuck me over with being mentally unfit 

I haven’t self harmed in a while but I have rage and the depression is so real and I been fighting it al my life but the rock bottoms never get easier you just manage and fuck I crave help and change