Basically the title. I want to die and even kill myself but I’m too scared to actually go through it for a number of reasons. For starters I obviously can’t even fathom putting my family and girlfriend through that. But also I just think I recognize I probably will feel better one day even though it seems hopeless but I don’t know the thought of feeling better keeps me going because there’s still so much I want to do in life I just barely do any of it and I guess that mostly causes these feelings of me wanting to kill myself.


I don’t really know. I’ve always sort of been what I would call depressed I guess. Under the weather, melancholic, but the feelings of wanting to die are newish, probably for 2 years now. Been more prominent recently. 

I imagine it might have to do with stress especially stress I impose on myself but I don’t know I just feel existential dread in general that life is pointless. But I mean humans are complex and nuanced so it’s probably a mixture of all of this and just being a moody teen.

But yeah I like to try and understand myself so I guess this is all this is.