Existing is just finding ways to semi-entertain myself enough for me to not notice the gigantic fucking cave located in my heart. The last time I was moderately excited for anything was a year and a half ago. Everyday I wake up looking forward to nothing, literally fucking nothing. I stopped going to school because it was too much pressure and I was about to blow my brains out if I had to endure two more months of that shit, let alone years. I used to love school, not the people in it or the things you could do there but the learning part. Couldn't give a shit NOW if I wanted to. I just wake up, exist, try to find a reason to do it tomorrow, go to sleep. Every. Fucking. Day. There is a hole in me that is either getting bigger or is bottomless, and all im doing is lookin for the biggest thing at the time to fill it with. I tried reinforcing the river bank to stop the hole from expanding, but the trees always die. I am a void here to desperately eat away your matter until its all gone, at which point ill move on to the next source of entertainment. The one thing that did fill me up entirely and make me happy hates my fucking guts and would rather not acknowledge I exist. But it's OK because I'll just play a game or smoke some weed to forget about it until I snap out of my escapism. I'm ruining my life right before my eyes and I'm too empty/numb/whatever the fuck to take action. I know I'll seriously regret my decisions 10 years down the line, but hopefully I'll be dead or accepting of my circumstances.