I think I always ruin everything. I'm trying to get better but I'm so tired that I get used in return. I want to stop thinking that maybe I'm just not ment to be happy. Maybe I am a shitty person and this is what I deserve. I want to stop caring altogether at this point. I want to die cause I know that will stop the constant thoughts and voices in my head from putting me down even in times I'm supposed to be happy. But I don't actually want to die, I just want to be happy with living. I want to stop caring about people and what they think. Family included. I feel drained.