I'm in therapy, I have a psychiatrist, and I'm on meds that seem to be helping but I'm so confused and don't even really feel better. My suicidal thoughts went from near crippling to somewhat manageable, I'm able to get through the work day without having a breakdown most days. But I still have anhedonia, I still get home everyday and just don't want to exist or participate in any way with anything. I have two pets with my partner but I want to get rid of them because I just can't handle the care they require. I fantasize about making music and becoming famous but I sit down open my DAW and just... Nothing I don't understand anything and no matter how much I try learn things it seems my ability always plateaus at mediocre. I'm addicted to weed and whenever I try take a tolerance break I cave after 4 days and have to give in to my addiction. I'm one bad event away from being bankrupt, I get like a call a week from some medical debt collections company and I just scream at them telling them to go fuck themselves. I'm just rambling at this point. I feel like I'm going insane a lot of the time. It feels like the world is all fake, and I'm in some weird Truman show where they wait for me to finally try to end it. I want to cry... I want to stop existing... I want something to make sense...