I have been having a bad few months. I thought I was getting better. Then I went to a normal, sort of festival event that was surrounded by all my boyfriends closest friends and family. 

The anxiety to be good enough, to be liked, to make a good impression was too much. Too many people. I broke at the seems and I switched 360 and slapped all his support and love that I’ve been receiving from him in his face, in front of his friends and family. 

But I have realised that this wasn’t a bad thing. The fact this horrible episode I had has woken me up to the point that I’m able to see I’m slipping up, means something. 

Instead of being too scared to fully express how I felt and how overwhelming that event was for me and the way things like that trigger emotional trauma from the past, we had a long phone call (we live a few hours away from each other) and we communicated so effectively and so well, I’m so proud of the both of us. 

This has made me look into therapy (AGAIN) but I’m not treating this as a failure, I’m treating this as a win. 

The guilt I felt was unbearable, and I’m still guilty. But I’m going to utilise that feeling to do better and reach for better. 

It’s so hard for me to communicate how I feel without fear of extreme abandonment or being scared of conflict, but I did it. 

Honestly, I’m just so proud of how I did that. It’s a really big step for me. 

It’s really scary putting your exact feelings out there, for fear of bad reactions. But we can do this. 

Uphill struggles. Tiny steps.