For what is the second time this week, I couldn't even come up with a single answer to my Calculus homework even after 3 hours of trying. In a class that I've already had to retake this semester. A class where I hired an online tutor to help me get the concepts and go over the questions with me. A class where I watched multiple tutorials and notes in solving the problems. A class where I repeatedly tried to different methods of studying techniques. Yet finals are next week and I still barely know anything and am completely unprepared. Yet even that's a step up from my physics class which is even worst.

And then I realized something this night, after my usual crying and despair, that this was always meant to be. I was always meant to fail, because some people just aren't capable of doing some things even if they do the work. I just lack intelligence, it was always this way and I failed to realize it til now. Even before, it was always in the back of my mind, but i was just too conceited to see it. In HS I looked down on my own classmates who weren't in AP classes like I was, who weren't in the precious top 10% club that I was so glad to be a part of from my hard work. Yet I couldn't explain to myself why others put in no effort and got better grades than I did, how no matter how hard I tried to catch up to them there was a block in my way.

Now I know better. It's hard to admit that you are stupid, but afterwards it is liberating.

I finally know that no matter how much work I'll put in, I'd never have achieved my childhood dream of being an engineer. It's not my dislike and abhorrence towards calculus and physics that have made me fail, as others often complain yet get much better results. It's because of my stupidity that I'm so seemingly helpless compared to them. Thus, everything I've done in my life has inevitably led me to this point of failure.

I wish I could travel back in time and go back to my 6 year old self. I'd proudly proclaimed to the world that "I want to be an engineer!", as my parents gave me that and a doctor as my only options, and my cousins who I so admired were engineers. I now know that those words would only lead to misery down the road. I'd go through school past high school and finally into college now thinking that I have a chance of being an engineer. I still really do admire the profession, and wish I could still achieve that dream, but not everybody gets to have dreams. I'd slap my 6 year child-self in the face, he would be astonished, but I would make sure to talk sense into him and realize that an engineer is not something for you. People like us lack intelligence, we have to dream smaller, as we'll never really amount to anything in our pathetic lives. The biggest lie we were told is that you can be anything you want so long as you put your heart and mind to it. I'd make sure he understands that and more.

Funny enough, a few years later when I was 10 I vividly remember thinking about what kind of man I'd be turning 20, my age now. It was everything I wasn't at the time, A strong and confidant man, handsome, witty and intelligent, able to get the complex college math problems I'd seen, and most importantly not afraid to speak publicly, which I had anxiety doing so. Now I know that I'm none of those things, still socially awkward and afraid of public speaking, incredibly ugly from constant acne breakouts from 1 year after that memory, and not smart enough to even pass college.

But no, the suffering would never end and I'd be a fool to think it would. My 6 year old self would pursue some other profession and start a family by daring to procreate. Then I'd still go through the same misery thinking what could have been, hating myself for my lack of intelligence and inflicting it to others. Never. Instead, I'd peacefully strangle and suffocate my 6 year old self. It would be devastating and inhumane, but necessary. After all the suffering I'd save him from, he'd have thanked me had he lived. I'd be doing him a favor, some people just aren't meant to live.

Yes. There's a word for people like me, Natural Selection. The evolutionary process of weaker undesirable members of a species to die off and make way for the fittest. That is my true destiny. I was never capable to be an engineer, something I solely devoted my whole life to with failure, so what right do I have of reproducing? Looking now at my disgusting acne-riddled face I'm glad that I was never in a relationship. This was meant to be, there is no good endings to people like me having any kind of romantic relationships for both parties. Such an unforgivable occurrence would eventually lead to sex, and that to procreation, forever repeating my life unto other victims.

Unfortunately there's no good ending to my story for those reading. What was born must die. My life should be a life lesson on those children who dare to dream but lack intelligence. Kids who think they can president, an astronaut, a doctor, a billionaire, or even an engineer should remember my life as an example: if you lack the intelligence to achieve your goals, then move onto something else. Most people wouldn't have read this far, so congratulations to you. You are probably in an elite club of your own of the very few who stayed and read this post, not sure what you'd do with that though. I don't expect advice or pity, as nothing you can say will change my mind unless you are some kind of sage. This is just how things were meant to play out, I was never really in control of my own fate, I tried and failed repeatedly. All there's left to do now is rest.