So last month I had a breakdown. I went to the hospital and got started in a process that I thought I saw the end of, but I didn't. I was reasonably certain I was bipolar, so that diagnosis wasn't too surprising. I got placed into an intensive outpatient program, and I started on DBT. On my second day in group, a participant said, "If you're in this group, you are BPD." I met with the psychiatrist later that day, and he gave me provisional diagnosis of Bipolar (duh) and BPD. I hadn't read up on BPD. The only reference I knew to borderline was in Ghostbusters II, "He was borderline for a while... then he went over the border.

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I am almost 40 years old. I have 30 years worth of memories of horrible behavior directed almost entirely at the people I love the most. I thought, "Now I know where this comes from, I can manage better." Except that I posted something that was hurtful and insensitive to a new friend.

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I'm just stuck in a cycle of horrible behavior, and I don't understand what I'm supposed to do now. I know why I behave horribly, and I'm learning DBT, but it's clear that I need to be constantly vigilant regarding my words and actions.

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I don't understand why anyone puts up with me, knowing that I'm literally a ticking time bomb ready to go off at a moment's notice.