I'm just done. My fellow BPD brothers and sisters, I don't doubt that we can change and improve through our self control and symptoms, but for me, I give up. Economist say the true cost of something is the opportunity costs, and I've given up so much to maintain my relationships with friends and family, while giving up my sanity and a stable lifestyle. I'm not blaming any one but myself, this is my condition and I made the decision or mistakes that have caused the destruction of my own life and hurt so many others, so its my responsibility. 

I can't take this anymore, everyday is a living hell. If its not the fear of abandonment, self-hatred, paranoia, then I'm destroying my own life. Even interactions with people I barely care about can be panic inducing. And I don't want to hurt other people around me either.

So I'm going to decide to cut ties with friends, family, I just want to be alone for a while, or maybe forever. I'm tired of people not understanding, I'm tired of my intrusive thoughts and self-destructive behavior I use to cope with the constant emotional pain, I'm tired of being a slave to another person's emotions. I think I'm just going to focus on my career and studies for the time being, I don't feel so nervous or out of control when I'm studying objects or concepts so that should be nice. I really tried but I don't think close human connection is for me. 

I'm going to move out of my place away from friends and family, just pretend to lay low and be nobody for a while away, and start my life over.