Not gonna go into what or why cuz that doesnt really matter

When i snapped out of it I said sorry and regretted everything instantly, trying to backpedal as best as i could but the damage has been done i think

Its the next morning and I asked the main victim if they’re okay, they said No. i asked if i can help and they said No. i asked if i should just leave from their life forever to save them from me and they said No. 

Is this something i just dont get about neurotypical people?  i cant handle being in this kind of limbo

.. i dont get what my fkn options are. 

Why would i not hate myself deeply over this. how do i direct this inner hatred and regret to anything but the person that caused it (me). I feel like a bullet without a target. Wtf. im so close to drastic self harm atm

Why should i get their support for me feeling terrible about what i did to them. Its a fucking contradiction and half.

Anyone else do similar and figure out a way to cope with fucking up in this way?