He was emotionally abusive and this new distance was able to open my eyes to this. He kicked me out our our home/broke up with me, potentially cheated on me, and I was always walking on eggshells around him. I never knew if I'd say something that would unintentionally upset him and result in him screaming and called me nasty names. I just wanted to be around the happy loving guy he was, but it was 50/50 who I was going to get. Until the last month he was ice cold on me and ignored me and shut me out completely. I still don't truly know why or what I did wrong.

But I was in denial for so long about the abuse, I tried to look past it at the good stuff. Shove everything down and move on, that was my motto. I knew deep down it shouldn't have to be that way, but my fear of abandonment kept me there. Our intense fights and then the relief I'd feel when he said he'd stay with me and we could work things out. But on his terms, anything I ever said was always written off as he is "too old and stuck in his ways" according to him. Which is utter bullshit, he just didn't give a fuck. And I'm sure I knew, but I wouldn't admit it or truly come to reality with it. I felt like he was smarter/better than that, but clearly not.

Of course I miss him, and I get a little teary eyed thinking of past memories. I'll look back at pics for a bit and just kind of whimper, "I love you." but not quite cry. It feels more like a hurt inner child as opposed to depression or abandonment. Almost like I feel traumatized. I have to talk to myself gently and let myself know I'm worthy of love and deserve good things.

But so far being on my own isn't the violent "please don't abandon me" feeling that I'm used to. It's honestly peace so far. I'm shocked because every relationship I've lost had months of depression and spiraling after. I don't know if it's because I already had a month to grieve over all of it while he ignored me. Or maybe the cheating thing made me go numb. I do enjoy my alone time, but this is such a 180 from my desperate attempts to stay together last month. I'm shocked at how neutral I feel. 

The first few weeks were the hardest. It was so fucking hard going out and looking at apartments. I couldn't eat anything for weeks. I felt malnourished and started relying on Ensure drinks as recommended by someone on here. My intense abandonment feelings were at a high during that time. 

But now I feel acceptance? Or I don't know if it's going to hit like bricks in a month from now. But I do think I feel acceptance? I'm not angry at him necessarily, and I miss him a lot. I'm grateful for a lot of the things I did get out of the relationship such as monetary things, life lessons, experiences, and travel. Overall I'm more angry with myself for putting up with the abusive parts. But I do feel like it's shaped me in a sense as now I feel like my standards have raised incredibly for my next partner.

I've literally only lived on my own for a full week now. It really hasn't been that long.

What does it say about me that I feel at peace after this relationship? It's uncharacteristic of my BPD. If you look at my past posts you can see how desperately I didn't want to leave my FP. But now I'm on my own and feel better. This was a 5+ year relationship and he was my best friend. I'm confused on how to process this.