i sit here wallowing in self pity. consumed by my endlessly horrible thoughts. i like reminiscing on the distant time when i was effortlessly productive and happy. when i excelled in school and in sports. when, in the eyes of society i was a model kid rather than some lazy blight on earth

it hardly even seems real looking back. it was so short lived and i was so young. by high school i found myself burnt out, and shortly thereafter fell into cycles of self hate and self harm. started taking antidepressants in 10th grade and had a whole slew of useless therapists. i soon realized therapy was for people who needed to work out some sort of problem or trauma, whereas i knew there was nothing wrong with my life. id had everything handed to me trauma free yet i still found myself in a haze of apathetic gloom. by 11th grade i felt backed into a corner by my complete failure to meet my parents expectations so i gave a half assed attempt at slitting my wrists that achieved nothing but throwing attention at myself. when i got cards from my friends in the hospital i felt deeply ashamed. felt like more of a failure. i started abusing any substances i could get my hands on. id do anything for a moments escape from my sad reality. in 12th grade id go to school heavily under the influence of cough syrup. id hit my dab pen in the bathroom and steal alcohol from my parents liquor cabinet. began skipping class to smoke cigarettes and watch rick and morty at my friends place. finally i dropped out and got my GED while i watched my friends celebrate on social media what universities theyd been accepted to. my peers have always been highly academically driven as i attended an advanced program in middle school. my best friend in 8th grade went onto stanford while i wasted away my final years in high school getting wasted to avoid reality. 

i hate myself so much. writing this, all i can think about is that song by elliott smith that goes:

"*drink up baby, stay up all night with the things you could be- you wont but you might. the potential youll be that youll never see"*

i think the song was actually written for the film *Good Will Hunting,* which i highly highly relate to. not that im a genius or anything, just that i feel like such wasted potential. i feel like i could be so much more, only im inhibited by this invisible force that drains me of any passion and energy 

well, here i am now. a year out of high school failing out of the community college classes i foolishly decided to take. im working a dreadful part time job, living with my parents with no plans for the future beyond waking up tomorrow. i cant imagine going on in this state. i am so awfully monotone and unenthusiastic i will never be anything more than a minimum wage worker for some awful company that gives zero fucks about me. and at the same time i dont have the energy or motivation to make it through college or any sort of education. and worse, i know im so fucking capable of pursuing any career i want if only i could put in the fucking work

i feel so trapped in this miserable existence. sometimes i feel like im surrounded by idiots incapable of critical thought. i watch my coworkers work with such energy and effort for a shitty job that pays shit for wages and im jealous of their complacency in the face of this horrible horrible world. anyhow, i dont know what this post turned into. just me writing out my frustration at it all. i dont think i can keep waking up at this rate, but then again thats what i told myself 3 years ago and look how far ive made it