I am notorious for ruining my birthday every single year, 2019 I did a molly and had an awful trip where I sat down in the corner of the club sucking my lips until I looked like I had a botched lip injection. 2020 I went out drinking with my 3 friends, got too drunk and crashed my car. And that leads us to this year,  2021: Party was ruined by my excessive drinking again and I punched a friend in the face. Not to mention it was all instigated by my friends dad  who basically confirmed I was a piece of garbage. I am absolutely mortified. The truth is these sort of things don't just happen on days like my birthday. I feel so lost right now, The older I get the more I realize I don't know shit about anything. Time is passing me by and I keep making the same mistakes. I feel so unlovable, stupid, and like an awful person above all else.  These aren't reason enough to want to just fucking end it all, but when you convolute it with all the shitty things that have happened in my life, I guess it might be reason enough.

I've always known I was the problem but holy fuck. Where is this self destructive behavior coming from, everything I  touch turns to hell. And I know there's a pattern here, I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety and The only reason I drink is to stop the nerves but over the years it has only gotten worse and the only solution I have right now is to distance myself from my friends and stop going out all together. I've been moping around my room all day, ignoring my phone, reading a rom-com to distract myself from remembering every fucked up and embarrassing thing I said this weekend. I keep thinking if I keep going like this I'll end up alone.