Hello everyone, I’d just like to say after finding this subreddit I’ve gotten some closure in finding individuals like me, but I am still reeling from the fact that the way I view the world isn’t the standard, and that all my past relationships have submitted to this condition. 

I do now realize there were some warning signs, I got joy out of abandoning close friends when they did something slightly annoying, I’ve always absorbed everyone’s personalities, my rage is nuclear (I tend to forget whatever I did during the rage episode), and I constantly engaged in splitting. A good example would be one of my former manager’s who was always helpful and even gave me money for a bus ride but one day when he shrugged off my complaints about another coworker I immediately hated him. “You’ve betrayed my trust I’d say.” Although now looking back I worked in a restaurant and he was probably busy.  I also have the childishness and impulsiveness, which I can recognize now, as even my former therapist mentioned it, and I got very offended (why would he call me a child?).

I think I was mainly quiet borderline for most of my life, the only time I would lash is out when encountering bullies/people who I felt were a threat in high school years. I did have many coping mechanisms, cause I suspected I got offended way too easily by things and perhaps it wasn’t rational. I would sometimes give people three chances if what they did I interpreted as rude, and on the 4th occasion I’d just let my anger out. If someone was rude one day but next the other, I’d try to “balance” it out and not let my thoughts get away with me. I think of BPD as a dog on a leash I have to control, but even though I know I have to control I take pleasure when I let it lose.  If someone said something slightly offensive, I’d linger on it for hours until my anger burst and I confronted them. I began to actually like being angry because I knew then people would take me seriously and try to understand my feelings more. I feel this is at the core of why I transitioned from a mostly quiet borderline to an altogether self destructive/petulant version (I feel as if I have traits of all four subsets). I also began to enjoy the euphoria of abandoning friends, even the idea of traumatizing people became appealing to me.

In learning the causes of BPD I realized invalidation/abuse was a key factor in my childhood. Having both suffered from physical abuse and a BPD mother (I suspect, she very much switches her mood and I think she’s the cause of my splitting). My main concern is that I feel as if I’ve bottled up all my emotions for nearly a decade, have always been super empathetic to others, put their feelings first, always tried to remain alone so I wouldn’t have to deal with others and when I did I would be very considerate not to offend anyone. But honestly after years of this, of being super considerate despite my condition, I’m tired. I’ve realized people won’t show any of the same consideration to me, I realize the years of bullying/abuse have ultimately destroyed me to my core, and now I just want revenge. I feel as if I deserve the right to traumatize others, because it’s the only thing that makes me feel some sense of peace and happiness. Besides, they’ll eventually hurt me anyway. But even this rarely lasts, as my empathy returns and I’m always tortured by conscience. But I feel as if I return to being a quiet borderline (I’d like to think I have enough self-control) I’ll just let people walk over me again and I never want to experience that. It seems like no matter what I do I’ll never be at peace whatsoever, like I’m always inbetween two separate hells. I just feeling crying from what I’ve become, and now looking back on all the things I’ve done to hurt others, not recognizing nor seeking therapy, I realize it was never “me” acting, just me under the dominance of this disease. I don’t know what to do anymore