For context, I have (had?) a new FP. A new friend that I felt immediately connected to - the line between friend and crush was extremely fluid. My feelings extremely strong though unclear. I perceived her to be into me in some way (though not as strong, no one ever is). We made out once. We talked a lot. But sometimes she'd ghost me for days and I'd lose my mind. She never seemed quite enthusiastic enough to satisfy me and make me feel secure in this relationship, whatever it was. So I asked. Am I crazy? Or is this mutual? 

Her response: I like you but you're more into me than I'm into you, and making out was fun but I don't think I want to do it again. 

My blood ran cold. Tears welled up. But still, I've been managing my symptoms really well for years now. this is my first FP in ages, and I have hated every agonizing minute of it. I formulated a response that was honest without (i hope) being too self-pitying, attention seeking, or mean. I told her I appreciated her honesty, I was feeling a little angry, but that I would try my best to level out soon. I sent her an article about FPs and BPD. she said she'd read it and then said goodnight. 

Now I'm alone with my thoughts, and I'm trying to determine how to handle this. I love her, I hate her. I'm trying not to feed either of those thoughts right now. instead, I want to consider this: just hours ago I said to myself, "I don't know how much longer I can handle this torment. thinking of her consumed my every waking minute. mainly, I think I was stressed because I didn't know what we were, how she felt, what I meant to her. I was embarrassed and disgusted with myself for being so extra, and so much more than she asked for. I didn't WANT a new FP, she just showed up and then I had to deal. so now that she's finally brought me clarity as to what I can expect from this relationship, I think I can finally relax? she isn't gone from my life. I can't just block her and pretend this never happened, and I don't want to. it's not like we were going to date - I didn't want that. but now that her boundaries are clearer to me, I have a better picture of what's expected of me. if there are rules, I can follow them. 

I'm going to take some space from her. write some angry songs. watch some funny videos. And when I see her again, hopefully I'll be a step closer to treating her like a normal person. A person with flaws, a person who isn't the answer to all of my problems. Little habits she has that either drive me insane because they conflict with the falsified image of her as a perfect person, or that are actually annoying but I brush them away because she can do no wrong? DONE. Now it's actually annoying when she doesn't respond to texts in a timely manner or explains things to me that I already know. They're not life-ruiningly evil things, they're just kind of a pain but ultimately manageable and just a part of our friendship that I don't actually have to deal with all the time because we are not connected at the hip. She can't hang out for the next two weeks? That's fine! I don't hang out with any of my friends once a week, so why should she be any different? 

Am I trying to be blindingly optimistic and just fake it til I make it? Yes. Oh my god yes. Am I currently fighting off, somehow, a panic attack AND dissociation, simultaneously? You betcha! But is this series of texts from another person going to end my life? NO. I WILL BE FINE. EVENTUALLY. 