i spent weeks thinking about killing myself after everything got bad. i tried to, twice. i tried running away twice. and then there was silence. everyone left. and i told the therapists about how i’m convinced this isn’t my life and that i’m dead or i’m in the wrong body. and how nothing is real and when i finally kill myself, i’ll wake up again and i’ll snap back into it. and they asked me what i would do if i found out the reality i’m in is actually real. i hadn’t thought about that. because i know it’s not real. it can’t be. and i told them if i found that out, i’d immediately kill myself. then it was silent again. i haven’t been here. i took a bus to the cliffs again a few days ago. i keep doing that. i’m waiting. i really want to go. 
but after the silence, all i can think about are drugs again. my heart broke when everything started to get bad. i lost the person i loved and then i lost everyone else and for weeks i lost myself i think, and i’m still lost, i’m not here, this isn’t me but i found someone i loved again and it’s drugs. and i think about them all the time. i’m thinking of them constantly. it’s all that’s on my mind. i spend hours of everyday fantasising about opioids. and benzos. they’re all i have now. and i love them. i love them so much. i missed them. i went a while without them but they’re back again and i remember how i felt one year ago when me and her, we fell in love and she made me feel the things that drugs couldn’t but i remember exactly a year ago around now when i fell in love with drugs and now that she’s gone they’re here and i remember how i felt. i can remember the buzz they gave me the euphoria they left me with and fuck i’ve been missing them everyday. and no one can stop me from falling in love with them all over again. i put them away for the person i loved but people leave. people always leave. but drugs came back. and i can’t stop thinking about them. they’re here, in my possession. and it’s almost like i’m exactly where i was a year ago. addicted to something that fills the space. and here we are. they’re filling the space again. we’re exactly where we were a year ago. and they’re as sweet as they ever were. someone in my head keeps telling me about what’s going to happen. and i know it’s not going to end well. but i feel euphoric. i missed this. i am so flawed. i am as ill as you all think i am. i must be. to fall in love with silence again, i must be fucking insane. i am never coming back from this. i know how this ends. and i can’t wait.