About 2 months ago I was diagnosed with BPD. This was after a lot if misdiagnoses with Bipolar, Paranoid Personality, Depression, Anxiety, OCD, &amp; schizophrenia. Now I finally know and feel I have an accurate diagnoses I thought I was going to get better but it all went wrong. I don't really know where to being. It's all kind of scatter brained. About 6 months ago I began cutting myself. Then, shortly after, resulted in a suicide attempt which lead me to the ER and psych ward. My 2 closest friends were the ones who saved me and I am forever grateful for their help and understanding. It seemed like all was fine. I was getting my life back together. Finding a new girlfriend ( I'm a 20 year old dude btw) and focusing on school and doing the best I could. As soon as the summer it i went sour. I started drinking heavily to escape any wild emotional rage and started taking out this rage on my best buddy and my other best friend. I started yelling at them day after day because they "don't get me any more" or "never have fun around me" or "you're never going to stay around and you will find a better friend then me" type deals. I know, I really do know, NONE of this is true but I can't control myself. I'm pushing away the people I care for the most because I have these rages and abandonment fears that I can't seem to shake. And now it's a new school year and it seems to just keep getting worse for me. I want to somehow tell them I fucking love them. I want to tell them I love hanging out with them. I want to tell them they're the people who help me laugh. But I can't seem to do it right. I've tried but it just ends with me getting so angry or sad I just walk away leaving them empty handed and probably more confused then I am. The feelings of rejection and abandonment are so real. I also  want to tell them how when we all hang out with other people I feel like I'm always in the back burner or I get the thoughts that I'm never good enough. I'm never a good enough friend and they will always laugh and joke and talk to someone else because I'm not good enough. It seems so scatter brained and I don't really know what I'm even trying to do. Maybe I'm just trying to get my thoughts out. I just want to know what to do and how to tell them these things that are ruling and over powering my own thoughts and beliefs. 

I could go on forever about family issues and love-life issues but for now (seeing how I am living with one of my best friends and the other lives down the road) this is what I need to tackle. Small steps towards a better me. 