This is how it goes:
1. Anxiety 
2. Rage
3. Numbness/disassociate 
4. Shame
5. Self-hate 
6. Depression

All of these happen so quickly that I’ve only recently deciphered everything that is happening to me. The problem (besides my mental health), is the effect it has on my boyfriend. The cycle I get stuck in when I’m triggered destroys him. I’ve been thinking about breaking up with him. He deserves more. I can’t watch him suffer only because I do. I won’t make him waste anymore years of his life for someone that could just decide he’s not worth it. I hate myself. I’ve “hated” myself before when I was in middle school. But Jesus Christ, I don’t deserve to live or be happy at this point. After what I’ve done to the people closest to me, I’m lucky I’m breathing.