ive spent the last 7 (am 13 so thats more than half) years of my life depressed. only realized it a few months ago... and have been trying to leave the tar pit of self-hate but apparently it doesn't work like that, to make things worse, whenever i say anything negative, pessimistic they become a fountain of toxic positivity. once described myself as flawed, but trying to be better bc a friend had to interview me for a class project and they whipped out a pic of me as a toddler and were like 'LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT IT! ARE YOU GOING TO TELL THAT CUTE LITTLE KID HE'S A FUCKUP?' i pretty much said yep, dropped it, and then spent the next few days beating the crap out of a literal and metaphorical brick wall. 

personal review: do not recommend brick wall. begin with soft tree, then ugrade to brick pillar, then harder trees and actual walls.

 i can attribute every aspect of my self-hate to ideas they've projected onto me, and when i mentioned that, sugarcoating it in every way possible, their response was 'well, we're not perfect parents, but we try...' then they proceeded to tell me that a) as long as i remained under their roof i could not play video games or watch tv that they did not expressly permit (been doing the staying up past 1 shtick) which are, besides my friends, actually the only things that release any happy chemicals in my brain, b) that my happiness does not matter, c) that they're not "going to be the kind of parents who roll over and do everything to make the kid happy". 

anyways i dont even know where to start. how do i tell them that they have fucked me up so repeatedly and colossally that im tired of trying to maintain a "trusting relationship that respects their feelings" and wishes and whatever... i mean i cant exactly move out cause im 13, but i really dont want to spend the next 2 years (ima leave at 15-16) either lying constantly, or dealing with their concepts of what keeps me safe. honestly if no one has better ideas im probably just going to tell them i dont want to play any video games or watch tv, and deal with that for the next 2+ years, then actually not do that and watch them deal with their disbelief for the next few years as they try to prove im lying about my only authorized use of a computer. only issue'll be staying non-suicidal.

TL;DR how do i tell my parents that they have fucked me up so colossally that they dont get a say in my parenting or what constitutes me being 'safe' anymore?