I have nothing left. I've got my dogs. But I've got 0 friends anymore. I'm out of my mind depressed and honestly just don't want do be here anymore. But that terrifies me. More than anything. The thought of simply.. not existing anymore. All of my memories and experiences meaning absolutely nothing and the fact that I will simply cease to exist. That thought absolutely dominates my mind constantly. 

The thought of my dog dying and never ever ever being able to see him or hold him again. My puppy can't fill that void that my older dog will leave. He's almost everything I have... and all I got left are my 2 dogs. My older one's 7 and has kidney problems, so I don't expect him to last to 10. And I am dying inside because of it. I don't know how I'll be able to go on once he dies.. let alone once both dogs die. 

I can't hold any type of relationship any longer. Ive tried making friends but it never goes anywhere. The closest I've gotten is starting a guild in a game and "making friends" with them. But it's not the same... all I do now is sit on my ass all day getting fat playing games because it's the only thing that brings some sort of purpose to my life. If I'm online, and these people need me.. then I can focus on that. It gives me SOMETHING to focus on. God forbid I try to get any actual work work done. I can't believe I still have a job...I've been dragging my feet on so much crap because working on problems at work just frustrates me and I end up playing my stupid games to calm down and escape. 

I called the suicide hotline again last week. I don't know why.. I was in a bad way and I didn't know what to do. I guess it helped.. I'm still here. But boy does that hotline need improvement. "Do you have a plan?" "Are you going to hurt yourself?" "Do you have feelings of suicide?" For fucks sake STOP ASKING ME THAT. I'm going to lie my ass off because the last thing I want is a knock on my door and someone bringing me to the hospital. I want help, but I don't want the kind of help that's going to sit on my record for the rest of my life for everyone to see. Every doctor for the rest of my life will see that. My insurance company will see that. My family will see that. I want help, but the only options are exceedingly expensive or way too "public".

I don't want my family knowing I have depression. They probably do.. but I really really don't want my parents spending the rest of their lives worrying about me. Not only is that not fair to them, but it will forever change my relationship with them. You can say how common depression is, and how many people have it, but the fact is that people change their attitude and perspective of you as soon as they know. It's a constant, "Ohh how are you today? Feeling OK?" bull shit. I'm depressed because I'm not normal. I want to be treated like everyone else, I don't want your empathy. I want your friendship and I want normalcy. 

People WILL treat you differently once they find out you have depression. Normal folk don't really know how to treat you, so they either start to make the relationship awkward or start avoiding me. Trained professionals go into what I call "Social worker mode" and instantly start trying to follow the "book." My former roomy used to do this and it made me so much more angry. I'd try to talk to him and he'd start throwing all this crap at me about how I need to go to the hospital, how I need to talk to people (lol), how I need to do this or that or that. FUCK YOU. I just want to express my feelings and talk without the fear of having the authorities called on me. 

The problem is folk without depression have NO idea what it's like to be at a low. They can study and research and everything, but until they actually FEEL that low, they have nothing on it. All they have is facts, but they don't know what it FEELS like to truly wish to die. The don't know what it feels like to go through the low of having no friends. That loneliness that goes with it. The hatred of the people around you because they have life so much better than you. The jealousy. The envy. I look across the yard at my neighbors having a bonfire and it brings tears to my eyes because, "Why can't I have friends like that?" You can't explain that to someone. It's something that must be felt to truly understand.

Sigh.. I know this is a long post. It's been months since I posted last. I thought I was getting better, but I'm not. I'm not sure I'm capable of feeling joy or happiness any long. My hopes and dreams have already been mostly shattered.. then my bank. My fucking bank decides to tell me about an account I didn't know about that was 3 months over due. BAM. CREDIT GONE. I can't afford anything anymore. I have near the worst credit you can get. I won't be able to buy a car. I can't get a decent rate on a home. I'm fucked. For the rest of my life. All because I made a simple mistake and missed a few payments of a few hundred bucks. 15+ years of credit... gone. 150 pt hit I took because of those missed payments and there's literally nothing I can do about it. I've tried talking to my bank but I just get the runaround and no one knows who to talk to about it. I've called 3 times and spent several hours on the phone.. supposedly a request was filed on my behalf and they were supposed to reach out to me. But it's been days now..

I wanted to move and get a new place with a bigger yard for the dogs. I wanted to sell my old ass car and finally upgrade. I wanted to fix up the house I'm currently in. But I can't afford it and I no longer qualify for loans with acceptable rates. Instead I'm stuck paying astronomical amounts in interest and fees.. all because of this one fucking mistake. I'm probably going to lose my home now. I've already had my credit limits slashed by American Express. I'm just waiting for the rest of my banks to catch wind and bend me over too.

I don't even know why I brought that up.. it doesn't matter. Nothing is going to change it. People have no individual say anymore. My voice is never heard. Why would a BANK listen to me? Why would they care? They're just gonna tell me to eat shit and die. And I sure as hell can't afford a lawyer. Even if I win, I would have to win quite a bit to be able to pay the legal fees of fighting a bank. And if I lose? The more likely scenario would be I end up with enough debt in legal fees that I'd probably have to sell my house. How fucked up is it that the only people that can afford lawyers are the ultra rich or businesses? How does that bring anyone to justice?

I don't know anymore. Nothing is going to bring me back my youth and let me fix my mistakes. No one wants to be my friend. No one wants to be with me. I'll never have a family. I'll never have kids. I'll never get those experiences. I'll never get to have the joy in life that other people have. And now I wont even get to experience what little I had left of my hopes and dreams.