I know my bpd symptoms are something that tend to come and go, however that doesn’t eliminate I have bpd. When I am stressed or in a toxic environment my symptoms come out.

I have a really great bf who would make a great dad someday. He comes from a really healthy family and I have had minimal issues with him throughout our relationship. He also knows about my bpd and has never used it against me like some of my exes nor has he ever brought it after I told him. 

One of my exes shared with me [this article](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psypost.org/2019/08/the-child-of-an-individual-who-was-maltreated-during-childhood-is-also-more-likely-to-be-maltreated-study-finds-54209/amp) recently after we broke up about two years ago regarding children of individuals that were maltreated being more likely to be maltreated themselves. My ex was also manipulative and I realize this article was most likely meant to get a reaction out of me, however it does still make me think whether this article is really right whether I like it or not. 

I am so afraid however to have kids and pass my bpd genes on to them. Or to unintentionally or even uncontrollably hurt them when my bpd comes out. 

I’ve been doing great these past few months with little to no outbursts or symptoms, I’ve been handling things well, however I’m also not in a very stressful environment at the moment in the comfort of my own home living with my bf. I’ve also cut off most of my toxic family which has helped a lot.

I feel the responsible decision would be to not have kids. The scary part is letting my bf know because it’s something we both desire and talk about for our future. I’m still not sure I should even bring it up, I would like to have kids as I know I can be a good mom in a lot of ways but I am afraid by the time the unintentional damage is done, whether I know I’ve done something wrong or not, my children will be damaged because of me. 

Sometimes I justify having kids because I know my bf (who will likely marry me in the near future as we are already looking for a house together with space for kids), would be such a good calm dad. We have also talked about me having the ability to be a stay at home mom and have plenty of time to take care of the kids and also focus on my own needs instead of working with kids. 

I also realize kids are a huge commitment and responsibility and I want to think about these things before I decide to have children. I do not want children to heal me or have something to live for. Instead I would like to have children to help and support as they grow as their own individuals in life.