While scrolling on my daily post work reddit binge I came across another post on here that was about being annoyed by seeing couples. First off, that's a whole mood. But second there were several comments about people putting on their 'mask' when they have to interact with couples and it really got me thinking about my mask.

I came to the realization that I don't even proactively wear mine. It's second nature, as natural as gasping when you hear shocking news. It's not something I *do,* just part of my protocol when I interact with someone.

For example. the other day was just in a shit mood overall. Lashed out at my mom for no reason (yes I live at home, don't mock me it's cheap) and later apologized, but I could tell it was gonna be one of those days. Ran into a coworker in the breakroom (who typically I find very annoying) and, without even thinking about it, put on a bright smile and said

"hey 'so-and-so'! How are you today?"  
"Oh can't complain! How about yourself?"  
"Doing good, doing good! SOOO happy that this weather is changing, I hate the rain"  
"I know right! I can finally get out and garden!"  
"Oh fun! What do you usually plant?"

I couldn't give a single shit about this lady, or her plants. She was kinda rude to me as an intern so I generally try to avoid her. Yet here I was, having a 5 minute conversation about her new tulips she just planted. I even asked more questions about them, instead of just giving her the 'neat, please stop talking' type of response.

And the funny part was, I wasn't even annoyed during this interaction. Not like when some guy is trying to sell you something and you really have to use the bathroom, I was having a genuine conversation with her.

But then we went our separate ways, and with each step I took away from the conversation came more and more of the self-loathing thoughts. "I couldn't give a shit if the weather changes, I don't do anything anyway. She was probably thinking why won't this guy shut up about my flowers?"

It's almost like it's easier to fake being happy when I'm around others than it is to *actually* be happy.

I read somewhere a while ago that there's a Japanese saying that each person has 3 faces, the faces they show to strangers, the faces they show to their friends and family, and the faces they show only to themselves. Sounds about right.