So long story short. When my father died, last year, I was already so depressed ad miserable cause I've lost bussines or my life cause of freaking pandemic. So you can only imagine how unexpected death of him messed up with everything Nd nothing gonna be the same ever again. 
I looked at him dead body in the coffin and got kinda point of enlightment. Like we all are already dead, just time is playing with us. I felt like I'm dead already too and body is just useful to get what you want but once you're goone your body is nothing. So in fact there's nothing worry about if I'm dead already. My suicide thought went away just like that cause its go na be sooner or later. Why not enjoy the drama and make fun of all of this? At this. Moment I have no more bullshit I travel i do my thing, I dont even care, what people saying who's judging who cares . I add it i have points of weaknes as everybody from time to time but I'm just better. Also very important thing, I've started taking thyroid hormone since I've got hypothyroidism my mood was distaster and it's also game changer . Hope you can see through your life woth of living!  cause surprise mfc.. no one gets live out of it but at least we can leave party going and a lot of goods and love on the earth for others  before we gone!