I lurk here often looking for answers and relief but I ultimately conclude that this isn't going to get any better. In some ways, I can't let it get better. I fear that if I allow myself to try to heal, I will let my guard down in a way. Like, if I quell that constant fear of abandonment I will end up abandoned and have no tools to deal with it. Not to say this gives me the tools to deal with it - but when I'm spiraling I'm thinking of the worst case scenarios of what could happen. How I would feel. In a way it's like I'm preparing for it. I'm so afraid to be abandoned. I'm so fearful that the person I care about most will find someone better. That they already have. That they chose to talk to them when they aren't talking to me. I am so fearful to even share these worries, as irrational as they might be. Because the usual response is "that's not healthy" when I fully understand that. That's even more hurtful, because it's not something I can help at the moment. I tend to keep those fears to myself. 

I also so desperately wish there was a logic machine.. something outside of me that could tell me if my fears are rational or irrational. Something to constantly reassure me. I wonder if it's all in my head. The constant pit in my stomach is becoming a sinkhole and swallowing me whole.