About a year ago I got out of an verbally, physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I was traumatized in so many ways, there was and still are so many triggers I have. One of them being porn, because he was a porn addict and I would find it on his phone/computer after he told me he wouldn’t do it anymore. It wore me down. I have very low self esteem and can’t feel a shred of happiness with myself like that. 
After we broke up, 9 months ago I met a guy. He was everything I ever wanted in a man, and in a relationship. He was respectful, understanding, and mature. I told him about my trauma extensively, he knew everything and was so supportive. There were times I cried because of a small trigger and he comforted me. We became so close and were eachothers only best friends. I had FINALLY found the person I was longing for. We had one issue, which was we stopped having sex regularly and when we did he struggled to finish. He said it was his fault and it was just a mental thing, and also that he never masturbated anymore either. I tried to not take it personally because I built so much trust in him. I believed everything he told me. I was healing and had gotten so far. 
This morning for the first time ever, I looked on his phone. He was sleeping next to me. I went to his photos, scrolled down to just from last week and it was all saved pictures of naked girls in various angles and positions with their legs spread or posing, like literally full photosets from porn sites . I saw at least 50 before I got sick and stopped scrolling. There were also screenshots of random girls selfies from Instagram. 
I woke him up asking what the fuck is this and why did you lie to me all this time. After everything I’ve been through, this is what you do to me behind my back. 
Nothing he said I could believe. He was apologizing and saying he really does love me. You don’t love someone if you betray them like that after they opened up to you. It’s over and you’re never seeing me again. 
When he left I laid in bed for hours in shock and couldn’t feel my body. I don’t want to ever fall in love again. I thought I actually found something real but it was lies. He built me up for so long and then knocked me down. I feel like im dying