Long time lurker, using this throwaway as a means of screaming into the void I guess. 

TL;DR I have a cycle of thinking about/fantasizing(?) cutting off all contact with my friends, feel like a monster for having those thoughts and don’t know what it means or what to do about it. 

So recently I’ve become aware of a certain pattern of thinking that I have, and it’s given me more evidence to add to my theory that I have some sort of depression. Not officially medically diagnosed, but I have a pretty solid hunch most people wouldn’t think the things I do so intensely. 

But that’s besides the point. My problem is this: 
When I’m in that bad headspace where nothing feels okay and the things I love bring me just temporary contentment rather than actual joy, I think about cutting people I love off. More specifically, I fantasise about starting arguments on purpose so they’d leave me. 
Then, after that comes the guilt for thinking those things. Ruminating on what a terrible person I must be, for wanting to destroy my relationships with people who are nothing but loving and supportive in reality. Even worse that i imagine doing so sadistically. For stuff like them ‘ignoring me’ even though my rational mind knows they’re most likely busy and not getting back to my texts or texting first because they’re busy. Real life is busy, I get that, but in those moments my brain morphs the hurt into rage that I feel has nowhere to go. 
But I digress. 
After that, things are decent-but-not-great again. The thoughts fade away for a while. I keep in touch with my friends like nothing’s wrong. I feel horrible whenever I do manage to confide my (other) depressive feelings to them because they don’t deserve to be burdened with that. 
That guilt makes me want to be alone. That triggers feelings of more guilt because I feel like I’m a bad friend for what feels like ignoring my friends on purpose because I don’t have the energy, that they might worry for my well-being. That triggers the thought that maybe it’d be easier if I didn’t have any friends to worry about me in the first place. 
Repeat ad nauseam. 

Is this a common occurrence with depression? Some sort of self sabotage and self-isolation? Self hatred? Feeling a little lost here. Don’t know at all how to try and stop/fix this. 
Any opinions or advice or whatever else anyone has to say would be appreciated, this was kind of a ramble so thank for if you read to the end.