My dad (47) lives 2000 miles away from me, as well as the rest of my family. He’s an alcoholic, kind of emotional abusive, and kicked me out when I was 18 after my mom died. He said some pretty horrible things to me when he did that, but I’ve blocked them out so I don’t remember really. 

He doesn’t really reach out very much, due to being blackout drunk off and on a lot, but when he does I get so anxious to answer his calls that I don’t do it and I just text him instead, or don’t answer. I’m worried it makes him sad and drink more. My sister has said in the past he resents that I left them back home and moved on with my life. I already feel guilty about leaving them, (my younger siblings) so that hurts to hear. 

It’s not just my dad though. I don’t keep up with my grandparents anymore. I’m worried they’re going to die (they’re kind of old) and I’m going to regret not talking to them more often. Mostly my grandma. I regret not spending more time with my mom. 

I have multiple younger siblings, one of which is underage and has autism. I feel guilty that I don’t call them (brothers and sister) and worry that they resent me for leaving, and I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to just pick up the phone once a week and call these people. The only person I talk to often is my sister. What is wrong with me? Why is it so hard/scary/anxious for me to talk to them, yet I feel so guilty by not doing so? It’s very tiring. I know I need to go to therapy but I don’t have insurance and can’t really afford it. 

Also I don’t keep in touch with friends which makes me sad since my only friend is my partner really. I am very family oriented and I love spending time with my siblings when I visit.