I have this friend I got close with last year. He helped me through a really rough time in my life (drugs, self harm, meltdowns...you name it) and I will forever appreciate him for that. I will mention, however, that it was a pretty dependent relationship and I think he liked that I needed him so much through that time. 

Once I started getting consistent professional help in DBT, I realized how dependant and unhealthy the relationship was, and I thought it might be a good thing to create some space. I had a discussion with him about this. I explained how I was feeling and how I needed some space for personal growth and independence, and that I appreciated what he’s done for me but that it was also unhealthy to be so dependant on someone. 

So time passed and the relationship between us was fine, but once I started getting help and feeling better, it seemed like he was his turn to dump his problems on me. I truly have no problem with helping people, if the other person is willing to fix his/her problems. He wasn’t. It was the same issue over and over again with no regard for his own safety and health. He was abusing Ativan and alcohol and telling me about it like it was funny (super triggering for me), getting into the same trouble, dumping it on me, and refusing to get help or even take any advice. (To clarify - finances were a non-issue. Plenty of free help and great insurance from school otherwise)

I will admit, I should have said something about how I felt like an emotional dump. I shouldn’t have let it get to the point where I felt resentful and helpless and unheard. It seemed like every time I wanted to talk about something, it became about him. And there was seemingly no end to it. I guess for a while it felt like I owed it to him? But eventually I just got tired of it, and while I didn’t end the friendship, we grew apart when I drew the line and told him he needed to talk to a professional. 

Anyway, time passes and we don’t talk for extended amounts of time. The first time I reached out to him, he was quite upset but I explained that we don’t have to talk all the time to be friends, and I’m still happy to hang out. 

A few months later It seems like I’m always reaching out to him and after a few times I got upset and told him I felt abandoned because he never makes much of an effort to talk when we don’t for a while. He assures me that he hasn’t and we’re still friends and we don’t have to talk. Pretty much what I told him. 

A few days ago I found out about a party he hosted and didn’t invite me to. Of course I lose my shit and get very upset with him. He says he didn’t think it mattered because we haven’t spoken in a couple weeks. We hash things out, a lot of things were said but he apologizes for abandoning and dumping his problems on me and I apologized for not speaking up enough and becoming resentful instead. 

Right now, I don’t feel okay with being friends with him again. I feel like this will happen again and it will be due to something I’m doing, but I don’t know what it is. My therapist says I have a tendency to push and pull people away and it confuses others...but I feel like I was very clear with my intentions with him? I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to end the friendship, but at the same time I feel very worried it will happen again. I don’t know what I’m missing or what I’m doing wrong. I need some insight. 

TL;DR - a friend didn’t invite me to his parry after we didn’t speak for a couple weeks, I lose my shit, I don’t know if I should remain friends as I’m worried it will happen again. And I suck at interpersonal relationships because BPD so it was probably partially my fault, but I don’t exactly know how. 