I’ve had depression and social anxiety for a while but I’m high school, I also thought I was suicidal. I realized later that it seemed to come from a place of wanting attention and I was disgusted by myself for years. I tried to tell myself I was young and uninformed but the self-hatred still lingered. 

I’m 28 now and although I’ve experienced depression here and there, I’ve lived a life that I’m very grateful for. However in the past year, that all seems to be slipping away. My social anxiety is at an all time high. I not only feel like I don’t have any friends, but I don’t even know who I am. I recently moved to another country where the job is incredibly taxing mentally and physically and even my family, who have always been the one thing I’ve always been grateful for, I feel like I can no longer be my true, authentic self with. 

I don’t want to be dramatic as it grosses me out, but the feelings that I’m experiencing are real and scary. I have no will to live anymore. I keep considering ways to end it, or dreaming about ways it could end beyond my control. Sure sometimes there’s still the awful aspect of attention but what’s scarier now, is that I don’t want anyone to care. I don’t want anyone to miss me. I’m just so exhausted of the forced interactions. Of pretending to be someone I’m not. Of having to put on a smile when I just want to break down. Nothing interests me anymore and I want to disappear. I want it bad.

I don’t want to feel this way. It’s terrifying. I know my family loves me. I know my friends would hurt. But my mind keeps telling me it’s worth it. I don’t know. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m confused. I could use help.