they dont know how they affect me. they don’t understand the severity. its more than emotional. its psychological. its physical. every time the pain is unbearable in my chest. im at a loss for words so i forever feel misunderstood. i care about them the most but nobody has made me feel this bad other than my parents. nobody has dragged me through this much shit. nobody has allowed this much chaos and pain into my life. is it their fault? not that im like this. but its their fault that they do what they do. and its affecting me. its changing me. its changing me a lot. theyre forcing me to numb. theyre making me depressed. i dont know what to do. i usually run away when i see bad signs. this time i cared too much to run. i tried to
run eventually but i came back because this is home. and this is the home im used to. but its the same home i was originally running from. the same home i tried to run from my entire life. they dont know. unless they do. i am hopeless. i surrendered myself to them and i hope they show me appreciation one day. or treat me right. because i feel like nothing now. everything is empty. i can barely even feel emotions i can just sense them along with certain physical pains. the pain in my chest is stronger than anything i can feel lately at any level. 

im different now. im more lost. i can tell im going. 

i dont even know whats right or wrong or if i can ever make good choices for myself