Hello and salutations...

My Name is Abigail. I have been diagnosed with bpd and ptsd... The past is very confusing yet research wise it is fascinating and I don't understand a lot of my past actions...  It is like looking at a different person sometimes... How I expressed living is confusing... and my bouts of anger and over all demeanour when I am not aware of my actions is... weird...

I am currently heavily medicated to treat my symptoms and my conditions. Generally speaking I have been functioning at a higher level then I have ever been in my life time and I am able to survive day to day through the art of controlling my emotions the best I can... Stimulating myself through art and mental workouts... and mental deconstruction... I may not be able to do it perfectly but its the best a person can do in my situation...

I have created my own coping methods and have been trying my best to guide my self through rough moments... but... This doesn't feel right... A person shouldn't have to think this hard about simple dialogue and I just simply want to exist again but correctly this time... Starting fresh... pure and correct...

I understand my problems at a deeper level... My triggers and I actively try to not think about past trauma and apply it to day to day life...

Now a few days ago I had a episode... This episode was a combination of multiple stimuli through

A) A person yelling at me and slamming cupboards: I tried my best to calm them down through dialogue. keeping my bpd in check well I talk to her in a calm well defined manner... When that didn't work I removed my self through self reflection... tuning out the world. counting in my head and thinking about well mannered thoughts...  But that didn't work and she was just mad that I didn't react the way she wanted me to... at least my mind told me that was the solution to this problem...

B) A customer at my work being rude to me... I kept my self calm waited til they engaged me again and told them politely that was rude... kept serving them and that was the end of it... Now by this point my thoughts were in a very heavy state... I just went through two drama filled daily narratives that caused me panic...

C) this one is important and confuses me... A coworker touched me on the back full palm and it cause me to panic and black out... through this black out I could remember that I fell down scrambled away from her in fear... she tried to pull me up... my subconscious fear got worse... she kept going towards me and in the end I was in the fetal position screaming well she kept touching me and "petting me"...

This went on for I don't know how long til she stopped petting me and I regained full control of my body... Full control of myself...

How do I stop this... I don't want this to happen again... it scares me that I reacted this way... Why cant I be normal again...