2021 sucked for me. I lost my dad suddenly in April, the day after I moved back to NYC. I’ve been living with this guilt of not being by his side when he passed and not being able to say goodby for the last few months and have been bottling it all up. Which I know isn’t great but it’s what I’m use to doing. 

Anyways, over the holidays I found out my bf of over 4 years was cheating on me. And since then, I’ve been sinking deeper into depression. How could the one person I moved back to the the city for end up cheating on me? Was I not enough? He was my best friend. I told him everything. I shared everything with him. We always had amazing sex. I didn’t see anything wrong. He never told me he was unhappy. He never acted any differently. So I was very confused and hurt when it all came out. I was beating myself up daily. I kept wondering what I did wrong. How did I not see that he was unhappy with me? Was I just blinded by love? Btw, I now hate the holidays even more now. 

So last week I decided I needed to go back to therapy. I wasn’t feeling right. I’m not eating and I barely sleep. I probably get like 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I wake up in a panic multiple times already. My mind won’t shut off. I even thought about ending my life because no one would care. No one would miss me. That’s when I decided I need help. I made an appointment for today and I was crying almost the whole time. I rarely talk about my dad’s death to anyone because it makes me depress and I automatically sob uncontrollably. I don’t like when people see me cry. I don’t like feeling weak. But I can’t help it sometimes. I haven’t even told anyone the real reason about my break up. They just know we broke up. I didn’t want to give any details and just left it at that.

Today’s session was for him getting to know me. It went well I guess. We have a weekly session scheduled. I hope this helps me deal with all that happen in 2021 so I can feel happy again. Only good parts of 2021 was I got to spend 8 months with my dad before he passed away and me adopting my dog. Having a dog helps. Especially when you need a hug. 

I hope I do get better.