TW: threat of Suicide and me being splitty 

&amp;#x200B;

A few days ago my ex decided that he's done with me. I was going through a lot of trauma and I split on him a lot and my emotions where constantly high and I only looked out for myself and let him down. So he decided he's done with me. Except, not just done the normal way, he's done treating me like a human. 

He told me that what we had was never love, he doesn't want me anymore, he doesn't love me anymore, that he's not attracted to me because I cut my hair short and that if he kept dating me he was going to kill himself. 

I've been trying to recover from escaping my mum and I took it out on him and just did what I wanted to, I flirted with other people (whilst we weren't together) to try and fill the void and get validation off all of the wrong people and then he got jealous and kept saying things like ''well why are you still here'' or ''you can just leave'' which fucking killed me inside every time he said it because it was triggering my abandonment fears. And I regret doing that shit and I could never articulate what was happening in my mind because to him ''you don't do that if you claim to love someone'' and it's not like I could just say

 ''well actually, when you're as traumatised and terrified as I am, you'll do anything to get the validation you need because your own mother doesn't even want you and your entire childhood was a lie, your dad barely likes you or keeps in contact, your sister doesn't have the time for you and now your own boyfriend who claimed to never leave is saying that I should leave him so I can get what I need. No, listen to me, you give me what I need but, I am lost and broken and terrified and I'm trying not to split on you again and again because I can't bear to break you and make you a victim of my splits. I just need you to listen and to try and understand and help me and not just get angry with me because I said a stupid joke to blend in with a group when you know it's so fucking hard to make friends with people.''

He didn't listen to me, he just got angry when I interrupted him because he was trying to tell me what I was doing or thinking and then yelled that I was disrespecting him. And I told him that I'm Autistic as well, it's how I communicate and it's hard to stop something like that. 

And he hid things from me but expected me to understand that he wasn't okay, he had family issues that I didn't know was happening, he told me that I did things wrong and then didn't talk to me about it, he didn't think there was a point anymore because I told him he was wrong, because he was, he was telling me what I was doing like he knew what I was thinking when he didn't and he just demanded explanations and then ignored what I said to him about it. 

He ignored the Autistic traits as well, refused to learn about them and got angry with me for not communicating how he wanted me to. My biggest issues are communication and explaining what I am feeling and what I need and he knew that but got angry with it. 

I made a new friendship group and spent a single day with them instead of him and only messaged him like 5 times and he flipped out saying I was abandoning him and treating him like shit, which is when I realise that he has BPD.... there is no way he doesn't. His behaviour matches it. 

On the day we broke up I told him I was exhausted with his crap and I needed to stop until the day after so I could gather my thoughts and feelings and comeback into it with a level head and he used the sentence again ''if you're exhausted then why are we together'' and I gave up. I asked for space and respect for my feelings and needs and got my abandonment fears triggered instead, so I stopped just so that he would fucking understand that I have feelings and it's not all about me but I do have needs to just stop and not get railed for not talking to him for a day. And he always said that it's always about me, it's always about what I need and honestly, that's because I demanded my own needs to be filled, because I finally had to space to, for the first 2 years of knowing me he knew the person that didn't have boundaries or needs and now that I do he has a problem. 

It's been a year of me and him trying to figure this out and I'm not the person I was when we first admitted these feelings, I'm a better person and I don't tolerate so much shit compared to before. We were best friends for 3 years and he couldn't just stick by me when I wasn't okay and was trying to figure my shit out and when I needed someone more than ever. Like I still need someone, I ran away from my mother and she let me go and she doesn't want anything to do with me and I'm grieving the loss of a parent who abused me my entire life and I finally found freedom and the space to recover and now I have to go through it all again, alone, because he left. I just need him to stick by me and not give up and try to understand. 

And please don't say I'm better off, or we weren't good for each other, or that I should just block him or any of that sorta stuff, I'm sick of hearing it. It's not going to happen, I'm not going to block him and I can't stop trying to contact him, I've been begging him for days to just not abandon me like everyone else. I don't have anyone left, no one shows me compassion and I need someone to love me and stick by me and not give up because I split. I fucking hate this disorder I'm trying so hard to do everything right and they are all just leave. 3 years feels like it's gone down the drain and I know I'm better now and that the progress I've put in has done so much but he just doesn't care. 

He said on the call that he wouldn't block my texts because I basically said I'll relapse if he completely just disappears because the trauma is too much, and he said if I text him then he'll block me. I texted anyway because I don't want to give up, and then I realised a few hours later that he hadn't actually blocked me at all and that he was reading what I was saying... and I was just venting into the void and he was just watching. 

I see myself doing all of these behaviours, I see myself splitting and begging and clinging onto anything that's left. I feel sick and I can't stop crying and freaking out, I'm not sleeping or eating or even doing my job. I'm just sat here trying to find ways to get him to not abandon me or leave so that I can show him I'm doing better and that I don't mean to split on him and that my trauma is hard to deal with and I can't and don't want to do it without him. 

Even after all of this, I do love him, I adore him and I want to make things right, I want to talk to him and give him the closure or explanations that he wants, I want to talk about what I did and listen and work on it. He's my best friend and living without him is agony and I understand how angry he is. The fact that he used my appearance as way to get at me when he knows how much that would fucking destroy me, proves how angry he is. I've taken the time to process and forgive him for the shit he pulled on me and when I gave him time to do the same and decide what he wanted he chose to give up and leave, not try and understand and forgive or at least just try and understand.  

I miss my friend, the person that held me in my sleep, the person who pulled me closer, the person that always had a hand touching me because it's his love language, the person who pretended to like some of my cooking, who tea stained paper with me, who played my favourite game with me, who randomly decided to buy a Wii with me because fuck it, who promised that it would all be worth it, who listened to me blather on about the future I had planned for us and joined in creating it, who asked ''do we hate her'' when I brought up someone I didn't like, who let me sing awfully on calls,  who took a shot in the dark and landed it, who got me shoes that matched his, who stood by me when the past came to bite me in the ass, who stayed on call with me till 7am just because, who never asked for anything more than to be loved. 

It took me some time to get there but I'm there now, I have room for more than myself and I don't need to lean on him that way anymore, I want him to lean on me so that I can protect him like I promised a year ago. I just needed to have some understanding and forgiveness for letting my trauma get a strong hold of me. 

I feel worthless and ugly. I don't understand why I'm worth so little and that no one can just stick by me and love me no matter what. Because ''no matter what'' means when I try and break everything, when I go off the rails, when I lose myself and not just when I get a bit sad or angry. I was promised ''no matter what'' but now I truly feel like I'm not worth that. 

I just want him to come back so we can talk face to face and communicate properly and so I can understand him properly.