I don't necessarily mean an anger switch, or depression or self loathing (though it could be these things).

For example, I'll be doing ok on my own, even remembering the days of functioning well, and then something will remind me that I struggle with this. It could be a dream where I'm surrounded by people who I love, and wake up and realize how afraid I am to let others in and be close, and how empty this feels. It could be feeling fed up with isolating too much and wanting more out of life.

It could also be a sudden feeling that I'm "bad" because someone looked at me up and down or rudely or something. On a good day I'm *too* controlled, not even registering so much that these things hurt, or explaining them easily in my head. "Oh, they didn't mean it. It wasn't personal." On a bad day there's a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've been bad somehow-I guess it's shame, unfortunately. It's a feeling everyone hates me but why would they? 

On bad days, like today, there's a sense that I need to dig further and keep at it, lest I become complacent again and then the distortions rear their ugly head in the worst moments.

It seems you have to be vigilant with this disease, or you can lose yourself and become numb, or try to escape everything by avoiding. It's so easy to fall into.

Does anyone relate at all? I'd love to hear advice on how you stay focused on recovery.