The tile's the TLDR. I'm wondering if anyone here has ever been in a similar situation and has dealt with it well or if someone here knows a good way to cope. This is the back story:

I'll call him X in this story. He's technically not even my ex. He was married when we met and is still married. We had an affair that lasted just a little over a year. Lots of other things at play too. 

At the time, I didn't have a proper diagnosis while my ex was already diagnosed many years before that. I was just beginning to seek help after a series of hallucinations that some psychiatrists recognized as hallucinations while others said they were intense dissociative episodes. Anyway at first the diagnosis was panic disorder, then bipolar, and the latest diagnosis is bpd and bipolar, which i got just 3 years ago. I was also struggling with an eating disorder at the time and had cuts all over my arms.

Sometimes, that lack of knowledge makes me think sometimes that he just manipulated me into thinking that I have some sort of disorder when I don't actually have any. But the way I obsess about him and the way it drives me crazy and even suicidal almost every day for the past decade also makes me think the diagnosis is correct.

Other than that, I was 18 and he's around 30 years older and in a clear position of authority over me. But at the time, I didn't care. I just wanted to have a good time and be reckless because I was dealing with a bad breakup when we met. So I tried to flirt with him and it worked and he flirted back and then it was all a blur and within a month we were so deeply enmeshed with each other already. I literally couldn't live without him anymore and he made me feel like he felt the same way. We have dropped a ton of responsibilities just to be with each other and everything was amazing and beautiful and wonderful until our first fight, 3 months into the relationship. 

Since the we just kept on fighting, looking at each other's phones, accusing each other of cheating with friends and even just acquaintances. Then we'd make up, fuck, and then everything would be magical again until the next fight. This was a cycle that went on until he decided to break it off with me because it was too toxic. I cried and pleaded when he did but was okay the next day and quickly moved on to someone else.

After him, I had a 6-year relationship with Y and throughout the relationship, X and I were still communicating. We were friends but in my head he was still the love of my life. X even met Y a few times and said he's happy for me and that he's glad I'm with someone who can be there the way I need. Things got rocky with Y around 3 years in. I thought it was healthy and stable but he was beginning to point out all the ways I was emotionally abusive and too impulsive to the point that it's damaging (like going bankrupt from excessive indulgence in alcohol and drugs, gambling, and sleeping with other people whenever I feel bored with the relationship). I barely even realized I was that way. And when fights started happening, they didn't stop until Y broke up with me for good.

So the first person I ran to was X. We met up and I really thought we were already just friends but I just fell in love with him again. Really really hard. So I started being affectionate with him again and a bit sexual and when he didn't reciprocate, I just lost my shit and resorted to telling him he's trash but also begging him to forgive me and tell me he still loves me whenever he loses his patience. This went on for around 3 years. The whole time, he was trying to explain to me thay he loves me and that he's there for me but can no longer be there the way he did when we were romantic and having sex. But I wasn't having it. And whenever i wasn't having it, he would retaliate and tell me I'm self absorbed and have no empathy and don't know what love is, etc. To me, that is just him being manipulative and pretending to love me in a real way vs. a borderline way so I wouldn't do anything drastic enough to ruin his reputation and family. 

Needless to say, the past decade has been torture. I'm just really confused and I couldn't accept the fact that it's really over between us and I keep on obsessing. I just either worship him or despise him and there's no in between. Either way, it's excruciating because the fact remains that he didn't choose me and I'm really just finding it so difficult to cope. I have thought so many times of just killing myself just to end the pain already. 

Everyone says I should just cut all contact with him but I couldn't. I have tried multiple times to block him but I find myself running to him whenever I have any problem whatsoever. It hurts even more because he's always there to help and he's supportive in everything I do like my career, getting therapy, dealing with family, regulating my moods etc. but only as a friend. I couldn't accept this and it really kills me. 

Thing is, I'm now able to regulate my emotions and be generally functiong, even highly productive. I can also handle my impulses better. I'm completely sober and avoiding relationships while I'm working on myself mental health-wise and even career-wise. But when it comes to X, all reason just flies out the window and I really just don't know what to do anymore. At this point, I'm desperate for anything that might help.