I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it.

I am 18 years old, in college, have friends, a good family, am smart, and an all around good life. However, just recently, I think I just realized I have depression.

The other night while high, I was looking in the mirror and thinking about what my life looks like from another persons perspective. I think I just realized that I have been subconsciously lying to myself about having depression. I've never ever really felt sad at all which is the one main reason I think I never realized what I've been going through. I have recently been sleeping terribly, had fatigue...just having this general haze over me. One huge red flag is the dark spots under my eyes. Being high I could see them really clearly, but when I'm sober its almost like they're a part of my face.

I feel pretty good about my life for as long as I can remember but I think it's only because I know I should be content and therefore I am. I don't "force" myself to be happy and excited about things but I my emotions just don't really feel natural. Thinking about it now I think I've been unaware of feeling emotionless. I thought I'm feeling just what everybody else does. The thing is I can't really remember not being like this so I have come to accept it as being normal. I'm wondering if other people are experiencing the same thing so I can know if this is normal or not. Like I genuinely can't even remember the last time I was really sad about something. Like I don't get sad, I only am happy all the time but it's this artificial happy I'm talking about. I guess I just haven't been feeling emotions recently. The last time I actually remember being sad was some girl problems I had at one point this past summer. 

My mom has taken me to therapy about 3 years ago as this was around when my dad moved out. My dad has been struggling with alcoholism for a while and my mom thought it was of best interest if he would move out. My dad still comes to the house every day to help my younger siblings with school, sports, etc. My parents are on pretty good terms with each other and I don't think this was a catalyst for anything because I don't remember my life changing at all after this change. 

My dad does have a long line of depression and anxiety on his side of the family. I never really thought this effected me because I never knew what depression actually was like. Can non-depressed people understand depression? I can't believe I've thought this was normal.

Later today I'm going to call my mom to tell her about what I've been thinking about. Also, I plan on talking to a therapist or doctor sometime in the near future.

TL;DR: I think I just realized I've been depressed for the past 2+ years but I didn't know what it was.