maybe they care about me a little, but it feels like i put in so much time and energy for them to just... fake it i guess? 

like, i have a really bad feeling one of my closest friends just doesnt give a fuck about me most of the time. he’s definitely disregarded some of my thoughts and feelings in the past. i dont know what to do about it. he’s very nice sometimes, but other times can be really disrespectful and thoughtless in a way that makes him seem uncaring to me.

im also in a relationship since about mid october. its going very well, but obviously i still suffer from what a lot of us BPD victims do in relationships (jealousy, irrational thoughts, etc) ive gotten MUCH better at dealing with it. you wouldnt even know that my mind is fucking broken if you look at me from the outside. but sometimes i feel like while ive put in so much effort to improve, my partner hasnt. i love her so, so much, but its so goddamn hard not to feel like im doing a lot of the heavy lifting here. shes so distant sometimes, especially with the situation now, that its hard to even get more than 3 texts a day from her. even when i know both of us are doing jack shit all day. it just makes it hard for me to feel loved i guess. 

i dont know man. if my SO left me and i drifted away from my closest friends i think it just might be it for me. my abandonment issues are so crippling i feel like i cant live without certain people, even if i think they dont care about me. i know it sounds contradictory but im sure a lot of you understand exactly what i mean. 

i hate this fucking disorder.