i’ve just come back from two weeks away with family and friends for the holidays, i didn’t see my boyfriend during this time. we have been together since February 2018. had a lot of time to think. during these last two weeks i have felt relaxed, carefree and not much compulsion to speak to bf at all. 

for the last few months i’ve had a nagging gut feeling that even though he’s an absolutely lovely guy and i really do care about him, i think we don’t have much of a connection outside of just hanging out and smoking weed and eating etc. 
he is so so so nice to me and supportive and kind but i don’t feel like i can go into depth with him about things that truly interest or concern me, and i no longer believe that smoking weed is helping my mental health. it’s very hard not to smoke weed when we are together because that’s just what we do, i can’t say no.

i want to work on myself and my goals really hard this year and go full on with practicing healthy living - you know, all the crap like regular exercise, staying hydrated, saving money, not touching drugs, putting more effort into work and my artistic practice .... i think the relationship holds me back and i’ve come to realise i’d feel a lot less stressed if i was single and fully focused.

since diagnosis i have struggled a LOT with trusting my own feelings and thoughts. i’ve been battling with this one for months on end to the point where i would be knocking back entire bottles of wine some nights before going to his place because seeing him made me feel stressed and nervous. i have been self harming over it because i feel like when i’m with him i’m being deceptive because i have these doubts i’ve kept to myself, i want to punish myself for it.

i kept talking myself out of mentioning it and telling myself not to listen to my doubts because i have BPD ‘so it’s probably just splitting’ or ‘just try and stick to something for once instead of running away’ or ‘it’s just your fear of abandonment and rapidly changing opinions’ and managed to talk myself out of ending it every time.

however, i also believe that he deserves to be with somebody who is 100% YES about him. not someone who is on the fence. it’s more fair to tell him all this stuff and stop wasting his time, but how? i am SO petrified of upsetting people. i haven’t communicated any of this and it’s going to hit him like a rock out of space. he’s going to be crushed. i am worried about feeling like a total monster and being vulnerable to serious negative spirals and self harm once i realise what i’ve done, that i’ve hurt someone so badly. i tend to convince myself i’m evil and toxic and should be dead or imprisoned when i’m really low. i know it’ll be like that. it’s half the reason i don’t want to be in a relationship - he doesn’t know what i can really be like. 

i am 30 years old and at my age, you start to worry if you’re out of time and never going to find that perfect relationship. what if i never manage to find someone else who is nice to me and look back at this and see what slipped through my fingers?

BUT. i also know that he will always want to stay living in the same area we both (separately) live in now, i know he is 100% on having kids and deep down i am TERRIFIED of being an inadequate mother and only 25% want to have children. at our age it’s important to have the same goals and i’m not sure we do. 

what do you all think? so scared as i’ll have to see him tonight and it’s now or never. should i show him this post? write him a letter? am i just being stupid throwing away a good relationship just because i can’t make my mind up? part of me wonders if i am even capable of making my mind up or enjoying anything in life without tiring of it. done it countless times. started afresh, got bored, ran away. so.... there’s that.

sorry for the wall of text.

thank you so much 🙂