I'm 27f, I've been depressed since I was about 7 or 8 years old. I was constantly yelled at by my mom and an uncle who I had to see daily because of our family farm. I was constantly compared to my cousins. My mom always talked about how they're better than I am, they're more fun, and that they're prettier. 

My life has been easy. My parents have paid for basically everything for me because I couldn't handle working. I've changed jobs 6 times in the last 3 years and at each one I only worked a few weeks to a few months. All of them were part time jobs, so I couldn't even handle a full time position. 

I feel like a useless person who has taken advantage of my siblings and parents. I'm so tired of being here. I have fought like hell to try and live for my family, but every time things start looking up, something happens and I fall back down. Even at my most happiest times I felt suicidal. When I was traveling to different countries I still always had the thought that it's okay if I die. I'm okay not living. 

I'm exhausted of trying. I've been to dozens of therapists, tried tons of medications, done dieting, exercising, hobbies, etc. I gained 60 pounds in the last 2-3 months and I now weigh my heaviest at 300. I don't think I can keep on living. 

I set a date to end it August 1st, but I feel like I can't make it till then. I keep thinking I should check myself into a psych ward, but everything I've read makes them sound horrible and not helpful. I'm tired of relying on my parents. I'm tired of of acting okay because people get annoyed that I'm still depressed. I'm tired of living just so that my family doesn't blame themselves. 

Why should I suffer my whole life just for that one reason? 

I have a roommate/cousin. I've helped her whenever she has health problems, hard days, etc. But when I'm having a hard time it's like I don't even matter. She never talks to me, and never cares. 

I wish I was never born.