I get really jealous of my younger siblings, they were given opportunities of finding hobbies and building long time skills that they could use in the future. Me being the oldest (about 9 year age gap) was not given a ‘chance’ to do the same things a they did. Jealous of the life that could’ve been mine. Extracurriculars that I’ve always wished to do when I was there age but prevented by responsibilities which is my siblings. 
My parents didn’t have the time to give me the luxury my siblings had. Time and family issues clashed during those years when they were still learning to walk. I experienced trauma alone, parents fighting while taking care of the kids I was the only person who could grasp what was really happening at the time. 

Now F17 finishing HS in 3 weeks, i felt that this grudge I held on my parents is the reason I feel like i’m useless. Struggling with body image and lack of motivation to study for final exams It’s been extremely hard for me to get back in track. 

I did a few things here and there, learning an instrument, played a sport. Most likely events at school or motivate by my classmates but never something I truly loved doing. 
But if my parents did give me the opportunity to let me continue the sport I used to love playing, music lessons or dancing lessons it could’ve made my decision for uni courses a whole lot easier. These days i’ve seen to doubt myself even more than I usually do hat most other days. My lack of skills and “smartness” and the lack for motivation of hitting the gym is a lost cause for me.
 I wished that I just had help when I needed it back then, now I am struggling to even keep up with real grown up responsibilities that could actually affect my future.
I feel stuck in my child-like mentality in my fat teen body.