I remember bits and pieces of that night… I don’t usually take Xanax so i almost completely blacked out. I got my brother in-laws gun out and just remember staring at it thinking this is it. I loaded it, held it up to my head, and put my finger on the trigger. I just couldn’t do it. The rest of the night I have no recollection of but I ended up getting in a fight and being put on 51-50. I was discharged today and after checking my texts my heart dropped… I texted almost everyone I know a bunch of fucked up shit. I’m sick to my stomach and I feel like giving up again…. The people I love now won’t even respond to my texts and it’s all my fault. As soon as I was discharged I immediately lost all motivation to get outpatient help and I just want it all to end. I feel lost and like I don’t even know myself anymore. What have I become?