Hello all. This is all very new to me so my apologies if I break any rules.

I was seeing a therapist before for a year, but was no use - he just listened to me, never gave me a diagnosis or any kind of coping mechanisms. I have really needed help for some time. Going to therapy was a promise I made to my (now) ex boyfriend last January, because he could no longer emotionally cope with my spiralling emotions. I WANTED to see one. I WANTED to get better, not just for me, but for him too.

It had all been building slowly over the years, but I had always bounced back from crisis incidents with time. I was very self confident and sure of myself, of my skills and where I was going in life so I just tried to brush off losing friends and connections. I met my now-ex 3 years ago and he changed my life. The first real connection I have ever felt. The first human being who wanted me, to know me, to be with me. However, two years ago began a string of unfortunate events, that have sent me spiralling into crisis after crisis and my state worsening to almost becoming a gibbering wreck.

He was my rock. My only rock. He loved me unconditionally. He gave me every moment of his time, every fibre of his being to help me, to see me recover to my awesome old self again. I have been trying to get in to see a therapist for half a year (im not US based), and then a week before I start with my new doc, he completely crumbled. He still loves me, but he no longer has the energy or emotional capacity to make it work. Im devastated. He is devastated, but can no longer cope, and now is trying to get over me and move on with his life. I never had a family before, i had never really felt loved before, I had never truly felt wanted. Then came along this beautiful person, who wanted me so badly, who welcomed me to his family and wanted to share every inch of his life with me. So many holes i never really knew I had were filled with love and joy and acceptance. I never knew what I had been missing out on for my whole life. Meaning now, it is all the more soul destroying. So much is now gone from my life, so many things I never knew I wanted or needed. I crushed the only person who has ever truly loved and wanted me under the weight of my anxiety and sadness.

He is surrounded by a wonderful group of friend for support, but I have practically no one. The few friends I have are already burnt out trying to help me through the early days of the break up, so things are pretty quiet and it just makes my thoughts spiral out of control. He wants to avoid seeing and talking to one another too frequently to get used to not being so close to and dependant on one another any more. Every day he sees friends and is reminded of what it was like to have fun and happiness, before I came along and weighed him down. For me, every day we go without seeing each other, speaking to one another, makes it harder and harder. Because each day of no contact is another day he is convinced that being with me is too hard for him, that he doesnt come back and want to make it work, and he is certain getting over me is doing the right thing.

I am seeking treatment, but I obviously cannot see my therapist every day. The anxiety is killing me, I am overwhelmed with sadness and grief for the life I have lost and the person I have ruined. Im on medication for depression, but still getting through the day without breaking down is almost impossible. Every time I think of going forward and having to create a new future without him, a different one to the life we had planned together, I am inconsolable. He lives just a few streets away from me. We came to this city together to make a life together. Every inch of this city, every sight and sound, is tied to a memory we share. Can anyone help me with some short term coping mechanisms, advice, or general thoughts even, to help me through this for a few days at least?

Much love to all x