I have an online friend that I met on Reddit 2 years ago. We used to talk everyday, video call, we shared everything with eachother. 

At one point he went behind my back and talked to my boyfriend at the time. My boyfriend was emotionally unstable and my friend watched him on a video call, he committed suicide right infront of him. (While he was having an emotional breakdown my friend told him that I don’t love him anymore and that he should leave me alone).
My friend didn’t tell me that, neither did he tell me the next day. He pretended for 24 hours and talked to me like he doesn’t know what happened and he even asked if I heard from him. To make it short, I found out what happened from my former bf’s friends. I confronted my friend about it and he just told me that he didn’t know what to do. Right after that he told me that he’s in love with me and that I should be with him. I was so overwhelmed by everything that I had to end the friendship. 

We reconnected this year. I knew it would be unfair to blame him for someone else’s decision to end their life. I tried to give him another chance. He would constantly tell me he loves me (as a friend) and I had to tell him multiple times that it makes me uncomfortable because he overdoes it. He would constantly tell me things like:”.I’m bored, love me! I’m your favorite person in the world” whenever I go through something he would just tell me :”Well, hanging out with me will fix it” and then proceed to talk about his problems. Whatever problem I have he would make it about himself and I confronted him about it multiple times. Things haven’t changed and I started to shut down, I just don’t feel like talking to him anymore. I’m going through a lot right now and I told him I need a break to recharge and I want to be alone. He didn’t respect that really, he would make me feel guilty for it saying something like :”You’ve been EXTREMELY distant” ect. 

The problem is, his behavior (that I confronted him about multiple times) is making me really overwhelmed. Whenever I see his messages I get annoyed and extremely angry even tho I don’t have anger issues, I managed them long time ago. I can’t have a normal conversation with him anymore because everything he says is making me annoyed and angry. I’d rather be alone than talk to him. I feel extremely guilty because of this, I don’t know how to make these emotions go away. I’m always crying because I don’t have any friends, loneliness is making me feel suicidal, I desperately want to have someone to talk to and now when there’s someone who actually wants to be in my life I feel angry and overwhelmed. I don’t project it onto him, at least I try my hardest not to, I would go day or two without responding until I calm down. I try not to be a toxic person who’d blame him for something someone else did, I don’t want to be a hypocrite and not give him a second chance because I know how much I wanted to get that second chance from someone that I never got, I don’t want to push the only friend I have out of my life because I feel angry and annoyed. I know that my BPD can make me act out of inappropriate emotions and I try so hard to break that cycle. I genuinely don’t know how to cope with these feelings.