I'm so fucking tired of being a loser. 

I'm 23, taking a semester-long break from university to finish writing a book, but I just want to not be emotionally over-whelmed or "too sensitive" for a basic job like waitressing. 

I'm talented at writing poetry, but I feel it's so unbelievably fucking useless. 

I feel I don't even deserve success.

I have this weird pull between wanting to prove everyone wrong and take over the world, but I also want to say fuck it and do ... you know what. 

I started a business a week ago specialising in vintage clothing, and I think I am talented at hunting and collecting valuable pieces. But I think I am going to fail. And other people are waiting for it to happen. I go up and down, up and down. Already I am battling thoughts of self-harm with all the feelings of inadequacy I am struggling with right now. 

I still live with my grandparents and feel like a total loser for that too. I feel like a sponge sucking the life out of everything. I feel I am so dark and fucked up I shouldn't be near anyone because they're all going to leave. 

To make matters worse, I hate my father, I have major daddy issues, a narcissistic ex boyfriend and I was raped a few weeks ago. 

People tell me I'm a beautiful girl, a good person, talented etc. But I feel like nothing but a hunk of shit. It feels like no one will love me and no one understands me. I don't even understand myself.