I've described this to numerous people, but no one can wrap their minds around it. And I definitely know it's strange, irrational, etc. If I could find someone on this planet who understands, it would be a massive relief.

I have a trigger around my FP sleeping in, sleeping late, napping, etc. As a kid my mother had major depression and slept to cope, so now I have a crippling trigger around sleep.

It occurs anytime a partner/FP sleeps later than I do, or requires a nap. I keep it to myself as much as possible but at times the rage erupts and I can't keep my composure. I panic, as if the sleeping person is dead, beyond reaching, gone forever, etc. Just a spiral of obsession on my part and perceived abandonment on theirs. 

It's completely taken over my life. I wake up early (5am) and panic until I get a good morning text from my FP. If it's later than usual I can be on the floor, curled up in a ball, pulling my hair, rocking back and forth, begging God or whoever is listening to make my torment end.

I'm losing sleep over this, I'm putting my body and mind through so much dysregulation and it's taking a toll on my relationship. As a quiet BPD I rarely, if ever lash out. But yesterday I did, and my FP is extremely sensitive but doesn't know how to cope with irrational emotions. 

Is there anyone else who perceives sleep as abandonment? Anyone else who can relate to this at all? Knowing you're out there would be a relief I can hardly imagine.