I always wish that I was living someone else’s life and really feel like their lives are better, more exciting, less stressful, more stable, less this, more that, so on and so forth. I compare myself to everyone and wonder what it would be like to not have to worry about the things I worry about. I want so badly to not have this disorder - I wish I had a stable identity. I’m swayed by other people and my environment all the time - I feel constant guilt and discomfort for not pleasing them and also not doing what is best for me and what I want. I just wish so badly that I could be myself, whoever that is. It is just such a crisis to feel so lost. It’s exhausting, honestly. I guess realistically I know that I have so much to be grateful for and nothing is really wrong but it doesn’t compute. I feel so... unbelievably isolated and lacking. I overthink, fret, catastrophize, disassociate, and have trouble staying in any moment. I fantasize about being anyone else and I even romanticize the person I used to be before I got diagnosed. I wish I could go back... I don’t know. It’s this emptiness that penetrates every moment. 

I have been in treatment for BPD for 4 years and I just 4 years of sobriety in December as well. I try my best to develop and strengthen an identity for myself with activities I love and going to school and doing my art... but it still doesn’t fill me up. I don’t know. I don’t even feel real sometimes. People say that if you truly love yourself, you’ll be content with life wherever and whenever no matter what. I thought I “loved myself” but I guess I don’t... i guess I don’t even know who I am. I don’t know how much more work I’ll have to do to feel okay with myself and who I am. 

In short, I just don’t know who I am or what I’m doing in this life and it feels very hopeless.