Usually people are much more difficult towards me when I go out shopping for house materials with my mom by staring at me or being rude, but today it wasn’t as bad. I feel like I sometimes have impulsiveness on Olanzapine and some paranoia but I’m hoping I can manage it since I’m out of new meds to try. Part of me wants to help the damned… but I don’t want to exchange that for the stability of my current life. In other words, I don’t want to ruin what life I have as part of an effort to help the damned. I had a good day today. I don’t really know when things will get better but I’m tired of waiting and I’m tired of the life I currently lead. It feels like on a daily level and on a bigger level, life is getting worse. My friend didn’t answer her phone today. One of my college friends got a new boyfriend who looks really cool from the photos. We don’t keep in touch much anymore but it makes me happy seeing her do well. Maybe after we move to the new house, I’d like to join a therapy program or do some volunteering. At the same time, I don’t believe my reality is real and I wonder if these time killing activities serve any purpose for me. I probably won’t do another round of day treatment because I don’t think I have the energy for it and I don’t want to spend three hours a day discussing positive thinking habits. I also don’t think I will do anything related to work or school. I want to go on a trip or get date, lose some weight and look nice, or even just do some reading or hobbies. I was hoping switching to clozapine would be an improvement but it wasn’t at all though I’m still a bit symptomatic. Sometimes time passes too quickly.