It’s hard to put all of this in words, but I’ll try my best. I (f24) am at a point in my life where I’m supposed to start being successful. My parents (who are divorced) expect so much from me, especially my dad who has a great career as a microbiologist. 

I graduated college last year with a BA in psychology with a 3.86 GPA. It’s my greatest accomplishment and honestly the only thing I feel like I’ve actually done in my life. I promised my parents I’d apply to grad school right away. I really want to work in the mental health field as a counselor, but I’m scared to apply to any schools. 

After giving my parents the run around for almost a year, I came clean and basically said I’m not ready for grad school yet. I just hit my mid twenties, and yet I feel like a teenager. I tried to appease them by volunteering for a crisis hotline, just to show that I’m doing something. It’s been really rewarding for me, but I know I can’t just work for free my entire life. 

The main reason I hold myself back is due to my social anxiety disorder. It all started in 8th grade when I had my first anxiety attack, and it happened in front of my entire English class. I was bullied and it caused me to develop extreme social anxiety. I’ve been on antidepressants ever since. I’ve struggled so much throughout the years. Not being able to go to the doctor, answer phone calls, make friends, go to new places, and just talking to people in general was like hell. Now, I think I suffer from learned helplessness. I feel like I can’t change my life. I don’t feel good enough. 

It’s gotten a bit better, I suppose. I’ve had little jobs over the past couple of years, like working as a daycare assistant, camp counselor, and writing coach. But now that I have my degree, I need to get a job that can pay my student loans and basic living stuff. I know what I have to do and I’m absolutely terrified. I have to face my greatest fear of diving into society and participating in it. 

I’ve been looking at job postings and I found some that I find interesting. I just keep coming back to the same thought, that someone like me who is a ball of anxiety can’t possibly perform as well as I should. I have extremely high expectations of myself and when I feel they are not met, I feel worthless. I’m scared of that feeling. I’m scared of rejection. I’m scared of everything. 

If you read all that, thank you. I appreciate your willingness to hear me. I don’t expect anyone to have a magic answer that will fix my life, but I’d like to hear some of your thoughts.