         If I had a tomb stone, it would say: 

     "All or nothing, Bitch!"

   I live between two worlds.  Good and bad.  Love and hate.  Idolizing and devaluing.   


    I'm addicted to chaotic relationships.  My longest relationships was the most toxic.  But through the battle and fights, and making up.....I felt real, I felt needed. 

   He didn't leave me though.  Even with his bipolarness/depressive/ narc self.  See...I'm finally need. For 4 years I stayed.  

   And even though he took me low....

 Points of me threatening to kill myself if he left me....pushing razors in my skin....just to scare him. 

  I loved the drama it bring. 

    My ex called dating me like living on the most fucking, insufferable soap opera.  

    Every emotion i feel i live it 100 times more than normal.  

    I used to love it before a few years ago, before the depression hit.  Before early 20s, and anxiety from a gender dysphoria that made me transition. 

    When I loved, I became consumed by it.  It was the most important thing in the world to me.  More important than a career, more important than traveling.  In my head, before I even thought I could have BPD,  love was the ultimate trophy.  

   I live for the men I love.  I would die for them without thinking. If they needed a kidney from me, I would give it without a second thought.  I'm loyal....loyal like: a dog sitting on ya grave starving to death-loyal.

  Until I perceive an action you take as you leaving me or tryna hurt me. 

   It could be as simple as a guy....working overtime.  

   "You been working alot I see...."

   "Yea gotta get this money"
  
    "Or those fucking bitches.  I'm not stupid. I know all men fucking cheat."

   "Here you go..."

    "Here I fucking go..."


 It can be triggered if a guy dont hit me up in a day.  

   When i feel slighted...they change.  I hate them.  They don't give a fuck about me...so I don't care about them. Fuck you and drop dead, ya momma too. 

   I said some hurtful shit in the past when I'm in those moods. 

  Until later in that day I realized I overreacted and I'm texting 100 texts saying I'm sorry.  And let me make it up.  And they gonna leave me...I'm so fucking stupid and prideful. 

   I am the breakup to make up queen, honey. 

 I go from moods of I can take the fucking world, I got this....to:

   Who am I kidding...I'm a ts.  I delude myself.  I am nothing. I'm never gonna be loved.  Why am I still living. Men only see me as. Sex object.  

  But I'm too prideful to kill myself....so I wait to see if somebody else will take me out. Or if I can take enough things to make my brain shut off that it almost feels like I'm fading from reality. 


    Which turns into rare cases(2) of extreme paranoia where I slightly hallucinate.  It's not a true psychosis.  More quasi-psychosis...I'm still in the world...just I started to perceive things.

   Somebody is gonna end me.  My time is up.  That's how most trans girls die.  Until I think of the guy I cursed out at the bodega....or men acted so removed with... or exs I slighted 

      Bumps in the night becomes shadows and eyes at my fucking window.  They gonna kill me.  

        Friends tryna use me.  Im not stupid 

    Or plotting against me. I weekend retreat without me, becomes they are tryna get rid of me so let me leave first.  

Until I dont feel.  I become numb.  I guess that's a kinda disaacosication even though I dont disassociate much.  I just dont feel at times.  I become bored and empty until I start blaming my surrounding and I wanna move. Or do peace corps.  Or be a paid Carmen San Diego. 

   When I'm doing new things, first, my bpd cuts off.  I get that tingly new, fresh car feeling in my soul and I'm exuberant.  Until I get used to it...and it's no longer magical....just okay....

  Or cut my hair...or dye it...or get 5 new wigs all different styles and textures.  

   Why the fuck do I fucking feel so bored with life at times?

   Until I'm impulsive....moving across the country at a whim or binge drinking...weed smoking....molly...a little coke....mushrooms...

   Or promiscuous sex....I call...

   *Letting a man fuck the sorrow/despair out of me*

  Until I fucking hate men for only seeing my trans body as a sex object and not deserving of love. 

   Until I am antisocial.  Dont fucking look at me.  Don't fucking talk to me... don't fucking touch me....leave me alone.  

   Until I get lonely....and hate myself and my life....and this worthlessness I feel, sometimes, everyday.  

    And moments where I lash out.  I'm quick to fight in those states. Punching throats and manipulating plans to take down anybody who pisses me off. 

   Who ever said revenge don't bring happiness, fucking lied. 

   I burned my ex with a cigarette when I told him he had to leave....after his affairs.  I pushed him down stairs.  I hit him with a henny bottle.  He was never an angel....but I wasn't a saint.  (I finally accept that now...at 21...I didn't see anything I did as wrong...but he deserved what the fuck was coming to him.)

     Maybe I do disassociate....when I have sex.  I go quiet in my head.  The drugs and sex help me go quiet.  The constant noise and emotions unchecked/amplified go silent.  In those moments...I'm just a body feeling and I fucking love it!

  Until I wake up alone....because I chose to be single...because I cant really love a man without getting obsessive and controlling.  

   Hiding in his closet. Hiding in his car. Tracking app on his phone.  Memorizing the number to his phone with one glance.  Cuz I know he was cheating.   

  That fucking bastard.  

     Until we break up and I'm alone....and i think what's the point of life without love....and the suicidal thoughts follow me for a week...or two weeks.  

  ! Full month with the covid lock down.  

   And i sit in bed with no energy to do anything...wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up. 

     Cuz baby if its not the Romeo and Juilet love...I don't want it.  If I can't have that, what's the point of it all?

    Until I look at my degree I have with honors and ask myself do I have what it takes...

  Whose gonna listen to you Bitch?

  Until I'm back, a little mania feelings like I'm that bitch.  Bad and bougie.

  And I tease men....I don't really want them. I just wanna know they want me.  I become flirty and wanton. A fucking tease. A fucking brat.  

       Until in moments like these, semi normalcy, I know I'm off my rocker lol