A while ago I drank 4 big swigs of vodka straight out of the bottle when I read through my SO's phone that he gave me (his data was still in there when it shouldn't of been) and I got majorly triggered by what I found (messages to other girls when we were broken up. the way he talked about me to other girls he hardly knew). I blew up and got super harrassful saying he should get all his stuff out of my place but not saying why. Strangely though when he showed up, I was feeling more in control emotionally and 'normal' than I ever have despite being drunkish.

The night of V-day my SO came over to get his car when I was expecting him to hang out and made dinner for him. He said he was super tired after working and needed to go home. I instantly got suspicious because he was rushing and would not talk to me or even sit down. When he left I harassed him over messaging, than obsessively called. He never responded and blocked me by message and phone. 

Once I realized I was blocked, I blew up. I got emotionally high, big time. I disassociated and this resulted in me relapsing from eight years of not self harming. The morning after I got up early to do some things and felt really good about myself and my body and life and thinking about seeing people which is NOT normal for me whatsoever and super strange. I translate so much of our conflict as him abandoning me, and it really f-'s with my head.

I don't have BPD and I am not attempting to self diagnose or ask for a diagnosis, I just do not understand why I behave like this.