Since I was a teenager I've had depression. Sometimes I feel good and then it comes back. The highs are very high, and the lows are very low. I smoked weed daily for the last 9 years and I'm now 9 months clean and not much has changed.

I used to have so many passions, even when I was a teenager (I'm now 25), but now I struggle to find motivation to do anything. Days just seem to slide in and out. The only time I feel happy is when I'm playing videogames, cause I'm distracted in another world, and then even that gets boring after a while.

Right now there is a cool exhibition in my city and I can't even be bothered to visit it. I love going to the cinema but never go. I never do any sport. I try to leave the house as little as possible. Right now I'm lying in bed with the lights off but it's still nowhere near bedtime.

It's like there's a weight pushing down on my body, I just can't be bothered to do anything. When I do meet friends it feels exhausting and fake, so I avoid it. I love films yet most of the time I don't have the mental energy to watch anything other than youtube videos.

I had so many dreams for my future and time is just sliding through my hands. I have been stuck in the same city all my life and I hate it. I think I need therapy but it's expensive and I also hate the whole process of trying different ones until you find one that works. Idk, I feel I'm ranting without saying much at all but this is how I'm feeling