I want to be ok I really do but its so hard to be ok when all life gives you is shit hell I considered today a good day and I couldn't move for half of today and the other half I was barley functional but managed to do the stuff I needed to for the most part but I had to ignore how I was feeling to do it and I almost self harmed again because of how draining everything has been but im hanging on for my best friend and my brother because I don't want to hurt them by dying so im still here but hey midterms start tomorrow so all I have to do is survive this week and then I get a few days of break before I have to deal with a bunch of bigots fo Christmas I can't even communicate how im feeling to my friends anymore because I don't want to worry them and I feel guilty because I have an amazing life compared to some people and I just don't have the energy to act ok all day and then talk about how shitty im feeling so I act like everything is ok unless they ask how my day really was or if I want to talk about it because I feel like a burden like they don't actually like me they just pretend to like me so now im sitting in bed in a pitch black room ranting to a bunch of strangers who probably won't read it listing to sad music at 3am because I only let my feelings out at night because that's when I feel safe the last time I cried in front of anyone was when I broke down in front of my best friend like two weeks ago