Lmao after thoroughly fucking my relationships with people and writing some goodbye notes to family, I opted out of the whole not existing thing in that moment, talked to my brother who encouraged me to call my doctor with an update. They fully gave me the diagnosis of BPD. Which hhhhooooooo boy yeah that makes sense. I've been journalling to kind of handle all my shit a little better while I wait for my insurance to kick in with this new job. Kind of tired of getting different diagnosis every couple years but maybe this will be the last one cause I feel like this one finally encompasses every piece of bullshit. That and the adhd. This comes with so much toxic behavior that I need to correct and I'm just bitter and nervous. Knowing what it is doesn't change that I had toxic behavior. I've always had them, I am just having an easier time seeing them now that I know what I'm looking at. It is scary.