I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, maybe, three years ago. A year ago my new therapist diagnosed me with dysthymia, a more mild, chronic form of depression. They suspect that I have had dysthymia for a while now, but it’s only when it overlapped with MDD that there were any alarming signals that lead me to getting help. 

I feel no lasting satisfaction from anything: accomplishments, relationships, etc. The best way to put it is that I’m a vacuum sucking everyone’s inner resources away without getting anything from it. Nothing is ever enough. 

Now to get to the actual title piece. Recently I began to remember things from my childhood, like from 7-12 age range, that are just so clear to me now. They’re definite red flags. When I was in first grade (a few years after my parents divorced), I drew graphic images of lions tearing people apart. When I was in fifth grade l was in distress and attempted to choke myself with a thick cord. In sixth grade I got into many fights. All throughout middle school I had an identity crisis because I felt so detached from the world and my old classmates. If there were so many alarming signs, why didn’t anyone do anything? It makes me disappointed in adults and everyone around me who realized what was wrong but did nothing. 

I’m wondering if anyone has had the same or similar experience.