Hi. I have struggled with OCD (especially HOCD or sexual orientation OCD) and depression and anxiety for a long time. I’ve also been semi diagnosed with BPD (psychologist suspects and believes I have it but never officially diagnosed me)  

Past few days I’ve been obsessively thinking about me and my relationship due to OCD cycle. I have been struggling with HOCD for so long and I always used my missing sexual attraction to people as evidence that I’m lesbian but recently I kept re-searching about being asexual and aromantic and now I’m doubting my sexuality in a different way again because I’m 19 and I still never had a proper relationship, The two relationships I had in the past for from middle school to high school and it was when I liked them and when they liked me back I felt so anxious and repulsed. I notice a pattern that when I like someone and they like me back I get so scared and anxious to the point of throwing up. 

Rthrough stories of aromantic and lithromantic people and they said they experienced the same response and now I can’t get it out of my head. However someone said that this could happen in BPD too and I was like wait a minute. I have BPD. So I guess I’m asking if this could be a symptom or BPD? I’m not sure but I can’t imagine what I would do if I’m really lithromantic because I crave love and I want to be happy so much in a marriage bht why do I feel so strongly when they reciprocate?