On certain days it's really difficult, especially when I'm reminded and relive the events leading up to it, but I'm doing better and I'm mostly happy I survived.

If you're going through a hard time, try to be strong, I promise that it can and will get easier to cope. Last year I was heart broken, physically and mentally ill and unemployed with very few prospects on the horizon. Today, I'm so grateful to have the most amazing boyfriend in a new city where I (finally!) have a job after I graduated. My life isn't perfect and there are days that can still be unbearable, but it's slowly getting better. If you told me that I could have these things last year, I'd laughed menacingly and concluded that you were more insane than I was. 

If there's anything I've learned in this past year, it's to forgive the people who have hurt you if you really want to recover. My dad had a big role in my suicide spiral, more so than my ex did. I was so angry at them and the lies they told me and the blatant disregard for my feelings, at how they both abandoned me for someone new in their lives, as if I was a piece of trash on the floor one easily walks away from. Eventually I made peace with the fact that you can love people and they might not love you back. 

Life is unfair and hard work and determination sometimes don't immediately pay off. Sometimes we just stumble upon bad luck and wonder why it's happened to us. There are no answers to these questions, and that's okay. I was so desperate to die because I thinking that it would magically unlock the answer, but I've decided that despite whatever happens to me, and despite how I feel about it, I still get to choose what type of person I want to be, and that sure as hell isn't the girl who wanted to end her life because two men who didn't love her anymore left her life. 

 Sending hugs and love to each and every one of you that are having a tough time. ♥️

(sorry if this is incoherent, I just needed to get it off my chest.)