First and foremost I don't mean to brag or put down anyone else's experiences with depression and loneliness. I acknowledge that most people on this subreddit aren't nearly as lucky as I am to be where I am now but I don't know where else to talk about this and figured this would be the best place for it given how its been helpful back when my life was a lot worse.

I'm 17 and a senior in high school right now. 2 years ago I was so miserable about the fact that my friends hated me (justifiably, I was a bad friend and very annoying) and I was seen as weird and wasted all my time doing stupid shit like playing video games and mindlessly scrolling and arguing online. The breaking point was halloween 2 years ago when I saw all my friends were hanging out together on snapchat and I was really upset that I was left out of it. I started seeing the school counselor for help and I was making steps towards improvement until COVID came halfway through sophomore year. Although that time was really suffering for my social isolation and missing out on high school, I managed to come out of it a better person and made amends with my friends and had a better summer than I had before.

Fast forward to today, I've been doing everything that I felt like was a dream for me 2 years ago. I hang out with my friends almost all the time, have worked multiple jobs, feel good about my college applications, have good grades, and I no longer feel out of place or anything. I've gotten everything I've wanted but it just doesn't feel like enough.

I don't understand this constant misery I still feel in spite of everything being so good. It's like this looming dread. Like something bad will happen, that I'm gonna lose it all suddenly. Every good moment feels bittersweet because it feels like its gonna be taken from me soon. Why the hell do I feel this way? Why can't I just enjoy the good things I have now without constantly feeling like its gonna be taken from me?