I (35m) have been dealing with depression my entire life. Its likely genetic as I have lost multiple family members to s*icides and because of the survivor pain amongst all of my family members, talking about anything mental health related is almost taboo. Its been heavily stigmatized since I was a teenager. Basically my whole family is depressed, and we are all suffering alone because of the shared traumas of loss that makes it virtually impossible to talk about. Then we all act surprised and shocked whenever we have a suicide in the family and the general attitude turns to anger and accusations of the person being selfish for checking out. Mix that with heavily opinionated divisive American politics, toxic masculinity, bigotry, and isolation from the pandemic and we all wonder why we can't have any large holiday gatherings anymore. The last 10 years has seen my once large close knit family fragmented into small isolated pods. 

I have personally been going through a rather bad depressive period that began around September of last year. I assumed part of it was seasonal, but it hasn't improved for more than a few days at a time before I plunge back deep into my pit of self hate. The majority of my depression seems to revolve around the emotion of guilt. I haven't done anything particularly horrible in my life to justify the guilt I feel, I just feel guilty and undeserving all the time. When something good happens, I feel happy momentarily and then I feel guilty and undeserving of happiness. If I cook or eat something that tastes good, I feel like I don't deserve the pleasure of consuming something beyond basic sustenance. I can't acknowledge my own birthdays, I can't spend money on myself beyond paying necessary expenses, and I often have trouble with basic self care. 

I know I need help. I have a family with two young children. For a long time I thought the sense of responsibility and not wanting to subject them to the pain of losing me would keep me from ever taking my own life. Now I have lately started seeing myself and this depression as a massive burden on them. I feel like they deserve better than a father who can barely function sometimes. I hold myself together all day and frequently break down into a puddle on the floor after the kids are in bed. My strong sense of duty has faded into feeling like my family would be better off without me. I think about dying every day, and have often made plans or played out scenarios in my head.

I don't even know how to get help. I have some financial issues but make too much for any type of assistance. I also have a really bad medical anxiety. I haven't been to a doctor for anything in several decades. Cognitive behavioral therapy interests me the most and I am rather opposed to medications. I don't know anything about finding a provider, working with insurance (I have it but have never used it for myself), or how referrals work. I feel like going to a therapist is going to result in medical bills I can't pay and prescriptions that I don't want or can't afford to fill.

I don't know what if anything I am even trying to accomplish with this post. I don't have any questions. I think I just needed to put how I'm feeling into words for someone else to read. Thanks.