Over the past seven years I have been through absolute hell. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it really so I guess I’ll just vent here to total strangers. I left for the military and my kids stayed with my ex. Some really terrible stuff happened to them while I was gone. I came home to sort it all out and it turned into an absolute nightmare. They were removed from my ex’s home and place into state custody until we could figure some things out. Turns out there was a ton of domestic abuse in her home and it came down on my kids and some even worse things happened to them. I spare you the details. There was whole lot of court and the kids end up with me. I am remarried and now have other children as well. I can’t shake the fact that all of this happened. I’m literally dying inside so badly that it’s effecting my marriage. My wife is strong and she has put up with some un godly shit from my ex. Then she has to put up with me who is now just a shell of my former self. I can’t explain to you all in words on how hard this has all been. It’s been 7 years and I’m not longer the happen person I once was. My kids are all safe now and happy and don’t really remember any of the stuff that happened to them and have been in therapy now for years which I attend with them to help them with what they do remember. The things I heard have hurt me more than anything I saw in the military. I can’t shake the description of the things they told me and I don’t think I ever will. I work 40 hour weeks and I’m home three days a week helping with home things and homework and bed and nap times and I know I am extremely lucky to have my children all under one roof now but I cannot trust anyone anymore. I don’t want to go out on couples dates, or be in large groups of people I just hate it. I can’t stand it. My wife’s a social butterfly and I’m just not there mentally anymore. I hurt so bad inside that I can’t even cry anymore. I was told by the girls theripist that I won’t ever be able to speak my about my trauma because it won’t help them at all. If you’ve never sat in room wailing to your wife that all you want to do is see your kids and felt absolutely helpless to be able to help them, you are so lucky. I’m emotionally gone and angry a lot. Never ever violent, just so mad that this happened at all. I have no outlet and have recently reached out to a theripist to speak to because, I am in now way going to hurt myself or anything like that but I need help trying to get over all of this and get my life back. I want to sing with my wife and dance with her in the kitchen and just feel alive again but I just can’t. For fucks sake I want to cry until I fall asleep but I just can’t. I physically can’t bring myself to do it. I hope that none of you Ever have to feel this way and I wish that I could hug you all and tell you that it will all be alright and make it all better for you, even if I can’t make it better for myself. If you read all of this you are a saint and please excuse any typos. Just a vent. All of my love to all of you going through hell and still able to keep on moving for your kids.