This might be long winded but there's a lot going on and I'm in the middle of a pretty bad meltdown so I'm sorry if this is a bit all over the place I have nowhere else to talk about this or anyone to turn to

As the title suggests, I have my partner's friend staying in our house at the moment. This is because he has nowhere else to go. He moved from NZ to Melbourne Australia on a complete whim and planned nothing. My partner and him are best friends but they have never lived together or even seen eachother in many many years since my partner moved here. 

I am 24, my partner is 25 and his friend is 26, almost 27. I have a housemate also and she is 25.

The friend has never lived outside the family home before and he has a lot of bad habits that I'm finding really hard to deal with.  

My partner and I haven't had our own space for very long as we only moved here in March. We've been together for nearly 3 years.

The housemate we have with us is someone who is my friend and we discussed at length whether we wanted to help her out for 12 months while she studied. Even though she is my friend I *still* wasn't sure about it for ages but my partner, my friend and myself really planned it properly. I have also lived with her before so I know what she is like.

It is worth mentioning here that I also have autism and ADHD so I have a lot of issues with change and new people and sensory processing disorder. I also have socialphobia. My housemate is also autistic.

My partner's friend is a really cool dude but unfortunately living with him isn't easy and I've been trying to keep the peace... But there are some things that just really aren't okay. 

I cannot even mention anything without my partner immediately jumping to extremely narrow minded biased defence. I understand he's gonna be defensive about his friend, I totally get it, but he isn't even putting himself in my shoes. Which is basically impossible anyway because he's neurotypical!!

My partner has it in his head that I am just trying to kick his friend out. I would *never* do that. I swear to God, it would take a lot more than this to get me to that point.

All I have been trying to do is be open with my partner about my feelings and concerns and how I really wanted to be able to create a plan and a timeframe for his friend staying with us *as a healthy boundary for everyone involved!!!*

His friend is finding a place, except he works full time and only uses weekends to inspect rental properties. His job is high paying and I don't understand why he doesn't sacrifice some work hours to look at even more places.

I understand this is how *I* would feel but if I was staying somewhere with a friend then I would be trying to not overstay my welcome, especially if it's putting stress on my friends relationship..

Keep in mind I live in a very small 3 bedroom house built from the 80s/70s. It *barely* fits 3 adults, let alone 4. My partner and I never planned for anyone except us.

Here are some things I have to put up with:

He leaves lights on in any room he has walked into and leaves. Sometimes he even leaves the house with all the lights on. We try to keep our bills down and our energy footprint down by keeping things turned off when not in use and it has worked really well so far. We told him this and he still leaves lights on.

He runs an electric heater while our central heating is on. This trips our power because our electricity is shit and needs to be reassessed.

He smokes Shisha. He tried to ask if he could do this inside the house and I said no. I said no because the one time he did, he stunk out our entire house and stained our carpets. Instead of saying okay, he pushed it and tried to compromise my boundary and asked to use it in the sunroom where we have carpet still and all of my plants. I said no. He smokes in our garage now.

To use his Shisha, he burns his coals directly on our glass electric cooktop. It leaves marks and ashes. They burn my eyes and throat when they're burning and even the fans being on doesn't help much.

He takes one of our TVs and his PlayStation out into the garage to game because it's the only place he can smoke. He runs the electric heater out there and trips the power out there too. Sometimes he is out there from 1 til 3 am.

Which when he comes inside he is not quiet and wakes everyone up. This also happens when he gets ready for work. He doesn't close doors to reduce noise and he lets the wire front door slam shut every. single. morning. I have asked him to be mindful and he still does it..

The fucking worst thing I have dealt with thus far is that I have found his __fucking pocket pussy sex toy THREE FUCKING TIMES!!!__

You know why I've found it? Because he doesn't put it away, he leaves his door open and *our husky goes and gets it and chews on it like one of her toys*

__it is fucking disgusting and uncomfortable for me to deal with!!! Multiple times!!! It's not even funny any more__

At first we didn't tell him that I was the one finding it. But after the third time I had enough and told him myself to fucking put it AWAY!!! Now my partner is upset with *me* for making *him* feel uncomfortable..

Mind you, all this guy said was "my bad" to my message and apparently the reason he hasn't apologised is because he wants to "let it settle" before bringing it up? I'd like an apology now!!

He hasn't cooked for the household or cleaned the house once. All he does is the dishes sometimes and gives us X amount of money for staying here but not enough to cover actual rent. 

My partner is caught up in having his best friend around and is just getting overly defensive and worked up towards me about anything I have to say about it. All I have been trying to say is that I just want some boundaries and a plan and that it's unfortunate that I am not finding it easy having his friend coexist in our space. My housemate is finding it hard, too, because when he runs out of Shisha flavour he games inside and is up very late keeping my friend awake as the rooms are next to each other.

Every time I try to have a discussion it ends up in a fucking shit fight because he gets sassy and smart and rude and defensive and it sends me into a fucking meltdown. I said that I'm scared this is going to break us up and he took it as an insult that I have no faith in him or something. Maybe I should have said it I dunno but I'm freaking out about it and I'm genuinely concerned for us.

He is going to hold this against me forever because I am the bad guy here and he can't see otherwise. I don't think anyone here is the bad guy it's just an unfortunate situation that isn't working out so things need to be fixed ASAP. It isnt personal at all

I don't know what to do and I feel like I can't win

I just keep crying and having panic attacks until I throw up and then he tries to say he's sorry but every time this happens I am more and more concerned for our relationship and our future and our house and am traumatised a little further. I'm scared I'm going to self harm really badly because I can't handle any of this and I feel like I'm going genuinely insane

This is so fucked