I have a wonderful, brilliant friend with BPD. I love him very, very much, but he is becoming an emotional drain in my life and in my family. We live a town apart. He works a full-time job and lives with his girlfriend and son, I work full-time and live alone. We have always had an emotionally intense relationship and are very close, but lately I feel that he is using my good graces and patience to manipulate me into giving him a great deal of attention, more than I am emotionally and mentally capable of giving him, and I don't know how to draw back in a healthy way. I take responsibility for that being my own problem, but as he does have BPD, I do want to do this carefully.

In the last six months, my job has moved me around to three different countries and eight different states and that lack of consistency has upset him. I have been less able to see him in person and he has taken that as a means of abandonment. In return, he has heaped on suicide threats, complaining, he has dropped out of his Ph.D. program, and he is starting to load on a level of guilt that I am no longer bothered by, but angry toward; "I needed you," "You left me," "I poured my heart out to you," all in regards to long, rambling messages about his feelings of inadequacy, anger, depression, poverty, and more when I am busy working or having dinner with my own girlfriend. I have told him gently the times that I am available, I have made time for him, and I have kindly said that there are times when I cannot speak with him, and he persists in trying to tell me that I am not giving him what he needs. But what he needs is unreasonable. He needs a 24/7/365 therapist-friend and I can't give him that.

I feel like he strategically plans times to find pathos in his own life and in mine. He made a suicide attempt (that I am not sure actually happened) when I was at the funeral of a close friend and when I threatened to call the police for a wellness check and missed the service, he was okay after a while. He has driven to my house in the middle of the night on holidays, and he has had emotional breakdowns the night before large work presentations that I have mentioned in advance.

Last week, we planned a road trip to a nearby state to get together and spend time with another friend of ours, and I came down with the flu and a terrible fever. I couldn't get out of bed, and I offered to reschedule immediately. I was on medication and everything. It was entirely out of my control and I apologized profusely. He went on a tirade and guilt trip about how he makes every effort to keep plans for us and never break a promise and how he expected that I would balk on them anyway. I maintained my patience and he recovered, but is still bringing it up. We have plans in a few weeks, but to be honest, I don't want to see him. I'm jilted and I know that it will be emotionally draining. I have enough stress in my life that I don't need this, and I am doing all that I can to maintain an appropriate distance.

I don't want to lose this special relationship, but I am hurting feeling like his illness is getting the better of us, despite all of the treatment he is doing. He is using our relationship as a crutch in lieu of the therapy, DBT, medication, and tactics he is perfectly capable of tapping into when he gets into a funk. Is there anything I can do, or is this his journey to take?