I haven’t got the best track record when it comes to friendships. Throughout school I was bullied and generally treated like shit by near enough everyone for being Bisexual. I told a friend around the age of 13 that I was questioning things and she felt the need to spread it around school maliciously, causing me to be socially isolated for about 2 years. The few friends I did have slowly became estranged and even made a game of seeing how long they could ignore me before I noticed. Needless to say, it kinda fucked me up. I left that school and joined another and made another group of friends, but fucked all those up due to BPD starting to take over and none of them were sympathetic to the problem. The only friends I’ve really got right now are some a few BPD girls who I met in group therapy; and a social group I’ve known for about 4/5 years now. They’ve all known each other from school and way longer than I’ve ever known them, which kind of makes me feel like I don’t belong; especially when they reminisce about school days, or events that happened before I knew them.

I just found out that something’s happening between two of the members (who’re dating). It’s been going on for like a month or two now and everyone in this group knows but me. I’m not kidding, like 5-6 members keep talking about it, and whenever I ask what’s up between them they’re like “oh, we can’t say...” which kind of just sets me off as they’ve all admitted to talking about said thing together. I think this is getting to me for 2 main reasons: 1) they’re gossiping about it without them present and around others who don’t know in the first place, kind of giving away that something’s up; and I know one of those gossiping hates it when people talk about them without them there which is really quite hypocritical. And 2) they’re not even trying to keep this “exclusive” information quiet. They’ll happily tell me that something is up, but then will be like “oh, but I can’t tell you about it”. If it was legit kept quiet completely then I’d get it as they’ll be keeping the privacy of the people involved. It’s the fact that it’s not a secret in the social circle anymore, yet they’re still keeping shit from me.

I don’t even care what the information is, that’s not what’s upsetting me. What’s upsetting me is the fact that I feel separated from the rest of them, like they just don’t think I’m trustworthy or they can talk to me, and it’s not the first time I’ve felt this way around this group. I spent all my time in school going through this, the social isolation where people use information as power and I’m being deliberately kept in the dark. I’ve just never felt so distant from them and I look back on the friendships and it just makes me wonder, do any of them actually even like me? I never talk with any of them 1 on 1.

I get there are always layers in social groups, but I host a large proportion of the gatherings, I’m definitely in the inner circle based of exclusivity of certain chats and the group chats that we message each other in, yet I constantly feel like they leave me in the dark.

And then it hits me, I’m the social pariah. In school I was considered too weird to be anyone’s friend, and now I’ve toned myself down to the point where no one wants to talk to me, even with people I’ve known throughout my late teens and early 20s. I’ve become too standoffish and I don’t know how to go back. I feel like by this point I’m just kind of damaged, part of me feels like I’m overreacting but another part of me remembers part experiences and justifies he I feel. I’m conflicted and don’t know what to do.

Tl;dr my group of friends keep talking about something that’s going on between 2 of the members and are refusing to tell me why, but won’t hide the fact that something is up and now I feel like the friends I’ve had for years don’t really see me like one of the group.