This is probably more of a vent about where I'm at and how I feel. 

3 years ago I was single, life was as good as it could be. I was busy with friends, enjoying my hobbies and all in all happy. Then I met her. We talked for a week and she wanted to meet up as she was about to head to Europe for a month. I thought it be wise to wait for her to return so she didn't feel like she had to wait for me. Much to my surprise she messaged me everyday she was away. I waited for the conversation to fizzle out as they do but it never did. She finally returned and we decided to go out our first date. We went to movies and I was so nervous to ask her to continue to hangout after the movie ended. I built up the courage and did it and she agreed. It was the best first day so had ever been on. I knew I cared about this girl but tried to play cool. We went on a second date to an Italian restaurant. She picked me up and I walked out and asked her what shoes were appropriate as I felt the restaurant would be classy. She laughed and we continued on to the restaurant.

Fast forward 3 months things were going well. I cannot remember for what reason our conversation got real deep. She was having doubts about dating me due to my current job (minimum wage role) and a heart condition I have. She was fearful I would die young as her father died only years before (cancer) I panicked we argued. We didn't yell but more or less had differences and I was so scared to lose her by this point. She then told me she slept with her ex the night before she took off for Europe (the night she asked to catch up with and I declined) this hit like a truck but she then went out to explain the last time she slept with him was the night before our second date. I hurt so deep. Even now I shake remembering that night. I should of left I know but I didn't. I cared about her and didn't want to lose her. I told her I'd get over it and we'd be ok. We preceded to date. 

We dated for 2.5 years but after that night my depression kicked in big time. I felt resentment but I still didn't want to leave her. I fell in love with her and thought this feeling would pass. It didn't. Over the years it got worse. I became verbally abusive when I drank even throwing the dinner on the ground on occasion. I've never been proud of how I treated her but I still loved her and she loved me. I still let her down. I know I should of seeked help and I didn't. I watched as if I were a passenger in my own body. Watching as our relationship fell apart. She kept trying to make it work but mentally I checked out. I became less sexually attracted to her and by then end went months with intimacy. 

I could see the damage I was doing but I couldn't help it. I had no control over the feelings I had. I decided to push her away. I was to weak to walk away myself. I pushed and I pushed until I decided to end it for good. It's been 5 months since we separated. She messaged me the other week as she seen a post of mine about her on Reddit and decided to voice how she felt about it. I responded with all the times I was her by her. She never responded and she doesn't know but seeing her message somehow brought me comfort even if it was to argue. I wish it wasn't. 

I was seeing another girl for a couple months and she was amazing. Everything I could of asked for. She was beautiful, funny and most of all patient as she knew I was fresh out of a bad relationship. But I'm not over my ex. She figured that out and now absolutely hates me and hopes I did alone. To be honest I believe that's what I deserve. I seem to hurt everyone Im around. 

This week I got offered a pretty promotion at work but I turned it down. The thought of the pressure and stress that would come from it was overwhelming. Now my boss doesn't like me even stating to never ask for extra hours ever again. 

To top all of this off I live in constant fear. My ex brought up a good point about my health condition that I never gave much thought before. I asked my cardiologist about life expectancy earlier this year and he gave me the 50s maybe 60s mark. I'm 31 now. I've already wasted half of my life. I don't believe I deserve to be loved and I don't want to hurt anyone else. Even if I meet someone at this point I don't believe it's fair to have them hang around knowing I'm due to die at such a young age. 

The last 2 days when not at work ive sat in bed in the dark. The sun is shining but I feel short of breath at the idea of getting up and doing anything. I'm still dwelling on past relationships, work relationship and the dying young. I find I'm always hungry but have no appetite, I'm thirsty but water taste gross right now. I want to be out doing things but it's so exhausting. I don't see much point anymore. I was suicidal after a mental breakdown at 20 but I swore I'd never go there again. I don't want to die I know that much but with everything adding up I don't see much point in getting up and getting on with it.

I seeked help but the therapist was $200 and I live alone. I can barely afford it currently. I don't know what I expect when writing this but I guess I just need an outlet so I can hopefully get up and go again. 

Tl;dr : recent breakup, work pressure and the idea of dying young is plaguing me and I'm not sure if I can get back up and go again.

Depression is a motherfucker but thankyou for taking the time to read.