Hello everyone! I'm 20, and female (: 

So, these symptoms have been present since I was at least 14, because this was when I got into my first relationship. All of my relationships have been extremely volatile and unstable (I've been in 3, not counting the one I'm currently in); it usually involves me starting an argument over nothing, or something I deemed important at the time, and it's extremely hard for me to get into other peoples shoes when this happens. I get mad at the drop of a hat and then when my s/o stops talking to me I get extremely scared and beg for them to talk to me and say I'm sorry like a million times.

I'm in a relationship with someone right now, and we've broken up because of the arguing and unstableness, but we have gotten back together because that was a huge wake-up call for me. I'm extremely tired of my irritability affecting my relationships and I dont want to ruin another one.

My aunt on my fathers side has a history of Bipolar, but I dont get mania episodes, and my depressive moods are usually caused by interpersonal arguments. I'll list the symptoms of BPD below and add how those apply to me if applicable. I'm kind of scared to post this because I dont want to fool myself into thinking I have something by subconsciously picking stories that fit my narrative.

* An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
   * I experience this all the time in my romantic relationships, especially after I have a fight with them. I'll beg my s/o to talk to me again and say I'm sorry. I ask them "are you thinking of breaking up with me?" or "do you think we should break up?".
* A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel
   * Whenever I get into an argument with my s/o and he takes time away from me, I believe he doesnt care about me at all and that makes me more upset at myself and at him and causes my mood swings to progress further.
* Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all
   * See above. I will think that I dont deserve happiness, that I'm not meant to be in a relationship with anyone or I'm not meant to love anyone. I'm not sure I have issues with identity though.   
I think I have an ok sense of who I am, but I constantly do want to change my appearance, find a "new me" or "reinvent" myself. Just because "I" kind of get boring? I dont really know how to explain it, I just like change.
* Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours
   * I have recently started to dissociate for a couple minutes at least once every two weeks after I started college. I dont really have stress-related paranoia but after I've gotten into arguments with friends I get scared to be around them because I feel like they dont like me for the moment or our friendship will be different or it'll be extremely awkward (spoiler: it never is).
* Impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.
   * I do spending sprees which is pretty bad. I ALMOST sabotage success by ending positive relationships with my partners, but I never do because I'm too scared of abandonment, hence why I ask "Do you think we should break up?". I think about ending my relationship with my partner a bit, but not because I dont actually want to be with him, just so that I have nothing left to lose and I wont be able to fuck it up.
* Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection.
   * I've never threatened my partner(s) with suicidal behavior, but I often do have suicidal thoughts/idealizations when I'm scared of them leaving me. I do have a history of self-harm, but I'm stopping because its not fair to me or my partner for him to have to worry about me like that.
* Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
   * My mood swings usually dont last days, but they can last 6 hours I'd say. It doesn't include extreme happiness but it includes irritability, shame, and anxiety.
* Ongoing feelings of emptiness
   * This one doesnt really apply to me.
* Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights
   * I dont get into physical fights but like I said earlier I do lose my temper with my boyfriend quite a bit and do tend to be very sarcastic and bitter during those mood swings. I'll KNOW I'm acting outrageous and I need to stop but its almost like I have no control over my impulses and it sucks because I know its ruining the relationship.

Anyway, please let me know what you guys think.