*nb. this vent/DAE is not related to the protests going on in the states. Also TW for mentions of police and suicidal thoughts. I recognize that BIPOC people are at a disproportionately high rate of police violence, and that my skin colour has afforded me great privilege in my interaction with cops.*

I have episodes where I become aggressive and suicidal. I've never once tried to hurt a civilian, including paramedics and hospital staff. Because of these suicidal episodes, the aggression that comes and the police being called out to all 000 calls relating to mental health I've had some lots and lots of interactions with the police, the majority resulting in my being detained. In some of these instances I've be treated incredibly roughly.

It's worth noting that as a child I was diagnosed with ODD but still, I don't know why I feel the way I do about police (political beliefs aside). Whenever I see cops out on the street I freak out and I can't calm down until they're gone. If I'm already going downhill (or god forbid, having a breakdown) I'm liable to verbally attack and abuse cops if I see them. This was how I lost my last job (I had to leave after the cops came in mid breakdown and I blew up at them). 

Does anyone else experience this? Do you have micro coping mechanisms you use? This impacts my day to day life and I'm finding it really damaging.