I have had this BPD diagnosis for years before I ever became a mom, and never had any doubts or hesitations about being a mom before until lately. My daughter is a toddler. Her dad and I are getting a divorce, he was very abusive (of course 🙄) and when I got the balls to tell him I was done, he put a restraining order against me claiming my "mental illness makes me a danger" at this time, I was under control! This was a big thing that took a long time to accomplish leaving, and of course he was not ok with that. The judge blindly granted the order with no evidence or any reports of anything, because my issues were under control at the time, I was a stay at home mom, with my daughter 24/7. The order was granted beginning of November, and since it was the holiday season starting, it took 2 months to get a court date. So I was legally not allowed to talk to my daughter for months straight. During that time, I was so broken and scared for her because he was very angry and she was not safe with him and wasnt even allowed to call me the whole time. I really did not think I was gonna make it those first weeks. So, of course, I relapsed right away once I did not get to be a mom anymore. I lost 50 pounds in 2 months and i was already underweight to begin with. My BPD symptoms, all came back full swing at this time. I started seeing my ex soon after, and became insanely attached to him. He does not have any kids, so I feel like now that I do have her almost full time (he only has her a week out of each month) I feel like this is going to ruin our relationship. Besides that, I feel like i lost every ability i had to be a good mom like I used to be. This is basically just a long rant, but I need some help. I feel so lost because I feel like the worst mom ever, because I have no will to live and am not doing good enough for her.