tomorrow’s my last first-day-back to school and i feel horrible. every single year i start school alone and never content with my life. every single year i hope so bad the next year will be amazing. spoiler alert it never is. last year this time i was in a horrible place, so lonely i was not even able to get out of bed each day. i ended up dropping out and started a new school half way through the year. i was hoping this new school would give me an opportunity to make friends and i have but no one i’m close with that i’d be there first pick or even second pick to hang out with.  i keep comparing this year’s situation, where i actually have friends and can get out of bed, with last years depressive state. i feel like this is making me feel even worse because i feel like i have to be appreciative of where my life is now compared to then, when rn life still fucking sucks! there’s so much pressure bc i just want this year to perfect bc 1)ik already it’s not going to be 2) i have no fucking clue what my perfect year would look like. i want to have friends but the thought of getting close with anyone makes me sick to my stomach but the thought of having no one also makes me sick to my stomach. all i’ve been thinking lately is that my life fucking sucks  bc of bpd. i wish so bad i didn’t have it and can have lived a regular happy life. i feel resentment towards my parents bc i most probably got bpd from them treating me like shit growing up. like there is so much i could have been/ had if i didn’t have it holding me back. it feel likes i’m waisting my life experiencing it like this and nothings ever gonna get better so why am i waisting my time here? i said this all to my therapist which was no help at all, i’m writing this here bc just maybe someone can relate what it’s like.