**(*TW: suicide*)**

I didn't want to mention suicide in the title in case someone was browsing and just didn't want to see that.

so, my grandfather had bipolar disorder just like I do. He died when I was five years old, I found out it was suicide when I was about 12. But I never knew how he did it. And I didn't want to know, even though I don't have many memories of him I do have a couple and they are very pleasant. I just didn't want to actually picture him dying

my husband let the detail slip on accident, apparently at one point my mother told him and he thought I was already knew. **TW: describing suicide.** what he told me was that one day he came home from work, when my grandmother was home and in different room, grabbed a gun, walked into the backyard, and shot himself. He died immediately **description over**

and now I can't get the image out of my head. I feel like the worst images for me when I think about suicide are hanging and gunshots. Not sure why, they're just the worst for me to see in media or think about. My husband feels horrible that he accidentally told me but I don't blame him, he thought I already knew. I keep picturing it happening and it's a little triggering

I'm doing way way better mentally than I have been for years, and I rarely even think about suicide anymore, not for the last year. However, even when I'm fairly happy and not suicidal, deep inside I have this feeling that no matter what, by the time I'm 50 all die. Not sure why that number, and I can't seem to control the thought, it's just always there. Then by that time even if I've lived a pretty good life, I'll end it. and this has all made me feel worse about that as he was in 50s

anyway this is pretty much just some thing I wanted to get off my chest. Thank you for reading.