TW: Domestic Assault, Drug Use



Sorry if this doesn’t belong here &amp; if long. If it doesn’t could you point me in the right direction? I don’t really want advise as much as I need encouragement that it’s going to be okay, but I wouldn’t turn it away.

 

First time making any post about my life and because I don’t want to be identified I’m using a throw away. Please don’t be mean to me. I’m not perfect and I’ve got enough happening in real life to want this one bad too. Using mobile. On the outside I guess I do look happy, and that’s because fake it til you make it works for me. But right now? Wooo! My heart just feels heavy and my mind, it is racing. I’ve had moments like these, but didn’t understand that it’s more than just “intense fear” until my one friend explained it’s a anxiety/panic attack. I just deep breath it and smoke and try to take my mind off of it, because when I try to talk almost every one, with only the one does not, has to out run me. (If any of this makes sense. Like I said, mind racing and hard to put it into words.) And the situation I find myself in is making me panic and they won’t even hear me out. I have 2 children by 2 men. My oldest ones biological has only saw him for maybe a total of 3 hours since he was 10months. We was together for around 2 years, during which multiple DA charges was filled against him. Even the day my son was born, he broke my phone and choked me in the hospital. He was so pilled out that he was only physically there for the birth, mentally he was blacked out. I have only ever smoke, so most of the DA’s happened when I found or figured out he was doing them or when I would find out he cheated. Which was a constant. None of that happened at once of course. It was great the first 6-8 months, but after a positive test, it all changed. What finally solidified me leaving was I had broke up with him and he asked me to drop his stuff off at his father’s. When I got there he was hiding in the bushes, and ran out with a gun and while on half a bottle of pills held me at gun point til I was able to signal the neighbors to call the police. Seat showed up. So he gets a felony and 5 or so years. He only served around 2 and had state probation rest of sentence. After his release, his dad (gpa) is ill and dying. He was good to me, so I figured I’d let him see my son because I ran from his whole family and the gpa was ill then too so he had to stay, where as I had to leave. Plus younger self thought people changed, jail and his classes had to of helped so maybe we could co parent. (My might as well be husband has been in my child’s life since he was like 13 months old? He's now 12). 1st day we stayed 1 hour, the next I’m not sure because he had his new girlfriend with him and we was chit chatting. They decided to tell a funny story how he was choking her in an argument the night before and he was calling her my name. I noped out and put him on child support I knew he wouldn’t pay and would keep him away from us. He’s married to a lady now and has done horrible things to her. I’ve worked with her mom, had her tell me, and I’ve even offered help to leave him while he was in jail for whatever reasons. Yesterday my friend saw a post his wife made last week. They’ve talked about my son before, but this time, it went to far to me. She said “I love all # of my kids including my stepson, your son that’s why I said all # kids counting my stepson” with a picture of my son stolen from Facebook. I know I act strong and as if I laugh everything off, but I am terrified. I am scared he is going to kill me. Or worse hurt one of my children, even his own blood, to hurt me. He called someone I was around in Nov from jail, and asked them to talk to me because I’m the one who got away and how I’ll always be his greatest love. I say person I was around because I dropped that friendship immediately.  When I tell others these things or concerns, they either brush off my feelings or act as if they’ve had worse. I bottle so much up inside it’s hard to even try and get this in chronological order while letting it out and what’s worse is I’m even losing my fake smile. And I feel so alone in this. There’s so much more to say, but I've been trying to write this right since 12:15am, it is now 1:30am and I need to try and sleep. If you read this, thank you for hearing me.