it's been over three months since i've been hospitalised with anorexia and i have never been more miserable in my entire life. i constantly want to kill myself, every time i get a knife with one of my stupid meals my brain tells me to try steal it and i'm constantly trying to find ways to hurt myself, every time i see a moving car my brain tells me to jump under it and when i don't bc i'm not alone i call myself weak and pathetic and fat and i want to die even more. my mood crashes and swings so easily and i lash out at people for no apparent reason. i spilt a jug of water today and my first thought was to cut myself. nothing i do is ever good enough and i just want to die but i don't want to waste my family's money on my funeral. i'm a waste of money a waste of time and a waste of space. i'm told by doctors that i'm just stressed and this is all the anorexia but i feel like there has to be something else because i am so so hopeless and i'm sorry for venting and wasting your time by you reading this i just don't know what to do anymore i am in so much pain and i'm fucking privileged compared to other people, i'm from a first world country, i'm white, my parents are together, we have money. so if i'm so lucky and privileged why am i so miserable. i just want to die.