This weekend we’ll be having hot pot for my parent’s birthdays. I hope we can also eat good for Christmas. I feel like this Christmas might be one of the worst I had so far. I’ve been struggling mentally since this time last year. I like to use tumblr to vent my feelings and saw a post that said “no future“ written in graffiti on a crumbling wall and I sort of dread going into 2022 as well. I get older, nothing gets better… and I have nothing to look forward to. I talked to my psychiatrist today and there’ll be no med switch even though I feel like my mind keeps trying to force me to do this or not do that. My BFF moves away next year. I remember our friendship during the Trump era where there was pop music playing and we’d hang out every week at support group and I could still drive and try out jobs, etc. I feel like people want me to cut back on the good times because the real reality is that some people are damned. Tbh I don’t know anything about it because I don’t know the magic world and none of it really makes sense so far. I’m not magic though I did offer prayers last week at a Buddhist temple that good days may be ahead. Right now it feels like inertia is not on my side and doing anything feels difficult. Today I hardly got anything done but I often go out with my mom on the weekdays and tomorrow we’re going out to houseclean and go to pt. I feel like I lost any sense of purpose towards the future and are hyper sensitive to any bad opinions I have of other mentally ill people. Tbh, I feel like the supernatural world is extremely systematic like people are all divided by ranks and status and having schizophrenia puts you in a certain category. But tbh, I don’t know. I feel like people don’t respect my boundaries and people aren’t always divided into good and evil. I really feel like everything suddenly got bad for me again after Joe Biden was elected. I no longer believe that things will easily get any better and I feel like people are forcing me to make decisions on things I don’t have much knowledge about.