This may upset some people. But I really need to vent. I'm so depressed all the time. I give everyone around me emotional whiplash. I have Borderline Personality Disorder which causes daily mood swings and such mental agony. It feels as though I lost a parent each time I get down. It's uncontrollable. I have Bipolar Disorder 2. I have more depression than hypomania. The depression episodes last at least 6 months at a time. It causes psychosis and paranoia. So much so that I can't move. Almost catatonic-like. I also have OCD, which does not help the flooding of racing thoughts, the rumination, and the obsession of each thought. I have ADHD. Therefore, it is very hard for me to stay still, especially when hypomanic. I also have PTSD due to the emotional and physical abuse I dealt with growing up. I'm absolutely 110% miserable all the time. I'm 32 and was diagnosed with all the above two years ago. It's been hard to accept, but it also helped me realize why I have lost so many people in my life and why I do the destructive things that I do. I've been wanting to die since I was 8, when the emotional and physical abuse began. I was very sheltered and so trapped until I moved on my 18th birthday. The only outlet I had was to cut myself in my room. Or write in my journals which one day my mom read while I was in school and took it to my high school counselor to prove that I was the problem, after she found out I was talking to the counselor about how depressed I was. I've been on SSRIs and antipsychotics for my diagnoses, but having borderline, it doesn't help the constant ups and downs I feel all day. I'm tired of suffering and battling mental illness. I want to give up on trying and receiving help because I've been in mental pain for 24 years. The grief I constantly feel, the lack of identity, the terrible lack of confidence, and the constant awful thoughts in my head are unforgiving and I really don't see myself trying to live like this for another 24 years. I'm tired. Im alone. I'm ready to leave this world than to continue living like this. There is no help for me. I'm sorry if this hurts any of you. I have to let it all out somehow. No one I know suffers mental illness at the level I do. I'm ashamed to be alive.