I kinda consciously realized last night for the first time that I literally have no identity or personality. Trust me I can make one up on the spot. But I don’t know what my real identity is and it changes from person to person depending on who I’m interacting with. I wasn’t upset or anything when I came to the realization—it was just “why do I have to be someone else for everyone else?”. 

I live in a new city so I make an effort to try and meet people. Last night I met with a girl for dinner for the first time. Before even going out I threw on 20 different outfits. This is normal, I’m sure everyone goes through this. Wanting to make a good first impression, but for me it goes a little beyond that. I literally scrolled through her Instagram almost looking for validation on what she would think is “hot or not”. I wish I didn’t care so much. 

It was our first time meeting. She was running a bit late so as I waited I took the time to concoct my perfect little story about myself in my head for when she’d arrive. Of course when she did arrive, after just 5 mins of interacting, I subconsciously adopted a whole new personality/identity that my mind convinced me she would like better. 

I felt like I wasn’t even there in the moment. I felt like a puppet master watching myself from the outside. So weird. So exhausting. Literally that’s what I remember thinking to myself as I walked into my apartment after dinner. How exhausting that interaction was being that I was playing a character the entire time. 

I wish I had an identity and a personality. I wish I didn’t feel the need to change who I am with each interaction I experience throughout the day. I’m literally someone different with every single person I meet and it’s so exhausting keeping up all these facades. Especially knowing deep down inside you’re just dying for an identity and dying to know who the hell you are. I’m sick of asking myself “who am I?”.