Hello! 

I’m lost. 

I am in love with my pwBPD. I have been dating her for 6 years. It has not been without challenges. I accept her as she is. There is no one else I want to spend my life with. A month ago, I finally proposed to her and she said yes. 

Unfortunately she also was proposed to by someone she cheated on me with about a year ago, while she was away at school. I don’t know whether she was seeing him recently. She told me when he proposed to her she said no at first then came back and said yes some time after. 

I’m not sure it has anything to do with anything, but she told me numerous times over the course of our relationship she was convinced I’d never propose. I always told her that wasn’t true but I don’t think she believed me. 

The other person is 14 years older than her. I’m not sure this has anything to do with anything either. By all accounts he seems like a kind person. She says she loves him but is not in love with him, that she is in love with me. He is a friend of her family. All her friends know him. So she’s in tremendous distress trying to decide what to do. She says if she chooses me she will destroy her life because everyone will hate her. 

She has been a similar circumstance before. While dating me, someone proposed to her and she said yes. That person was also a family friend, and a friend of friends. She later called off the marriage to date me. 

She ended up being diagnosed after I found out she had been cheating on me, in large part because I suspected she was suffering from it, and she realized something wasn’t right. She has been in therapy ever since, a little over a year. 

She recently told her family about her diagnosis. Her family been pressuring her to marry this other person., viewing him as a source of stability for her, and me as the opposite of that. She has compared it to an arranged marriage. 

She only told me he had proposed and that she had said no and then yes after I saw on her company website that her staff photo included her name with the last name of this person. Not two days before, she remarked that her supervisor noticed the ring I gave her and excitedly asked whether my last name should be added to hers on the company roster. She told me she said no. When I asked why it was this other person’s name, she said she asked them not to put it on there. 

Then she told me this person had proposed to her before I had. That she had said no at first then yes. 

I’m greatly concerned for her well-being and lately mine. Because I really do want to marry her. I’m just not sure what she wants, or how to help. She had told me she wants me but I fear that may not be truthful, or may change, perhaps depending on how long the unconscionable stress she’s under continues. 

I wrote a letter to the other person, introducing myself and trying to explain what had happened from my point of view. I asked for his permission to marry her. I have not heard anything back yet. 

About a week ago she moved across the country. She told me it was for a job, and she does appear to be working at a job she really wanted . Both he and her family live there. She told me she had lunch with her parents the second day she was there and told them I proposed. She said they were furious. They do not know me but think I’m awful. Unfortunately in 6 years I’ve only been able to speak with them twice. 

So. What should I do? How can I help her? What is going on?