sO i finally got over my ex last month and also my FP that all but ruined my life, because i found someone else. everyone said they liked me, that they really cared about me, i mean i had a breakdown on a sesh and they literally started crying cause they were worried about me.

so i trusted that yknow. they had feelings for me. and i enjoyed their company so we started hanging out more and i started depending on them more (we’d talk everyday) and before i knew it, they’re my FP.

as soon as they’re my FP i’m constantly paranoid they don’t like me, that i’m a burden, that i annoy them, that they don’t care about me, etc. some of it’s in my head, but sometimes they leave me on read or blow me off and i never really explain why it upsets me cause i don’t want them to know i care so much. we had like a casual arrangement that we never really arranged, kind of like FwB, but i thought we both liked each other.

their friends would always ask if we were a thing, if we were in a relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend, like we’re 11 years old yknow? and i didn’t really care about labels i just loved being with them. but towards the end of summer they became more and more detached, talked to me a lot less, left me on read more frequently, blew me off more, avoided plans alone with me, and so on. i was devastated. we once hooked up and then after they just asked me to leave. usually we’d hang out for a while and watch tv together and cuddle and stuff. i felt awful.

anyway, i asked their friend if he can try and figure out what’s up, why they’re acting differently. eventually he came back to me after hanging out with them and said “they like you, they just need some time to sort things out. nothing to do with you, just them” and at this point they hadn’t spoken to me for a couple days, hadn’t messaged me. i asked if i was expected to just wait around for them and their friend said “yes and no. they like spending time with you but they need some time before they know they want the label of a relationship on it” and as i said, i don’t care about labels, but apparently they also said they don’t want to use me as a casual hookup. i decided i might try and talk to them myself.

so i made plans with a large group of people to get fucked, and i was thinking once i was intoxicated enough i’d text them but !!! they ended up GOING. not only did they go, they did class A drugs and avoided me the whole time, and i eventually had to go to the hospital cause people were worried i had alcohol poisoning or whatever. it was just that kind of sesh. i went to their house the next day to get my phone from his friend, and they all told me the crazy shit i did the night before. pretty much after they kicked me and their friends out that day, they stopped talking to me. i mean maybe i’m overthinking it because we did have a brief conversation over message, and a couple times on a group chat, but they used to message me everyday.

college started this week (actually a lot of this was this week) and they’re not in any of my courses so if i were to see them it would only be at break or lunch. on thursday (first day) i was with some friends at lunch and we met them, and they barely said two words to me the whole time. people’s lunch ended at different times, but mine and theirs ended at the same time, later than most, but after everyone left they ditched me.

so after college i did some homework and then messaged them (so much anxiety. so so much anxiety i couldn’t look at my phone for an hour) asking if we could talk. we basically had a difficult conversation where they said i haven’t really done anything wrong but everyone’s annoying them and they’ve got bad shit going on but won’t tell anyone and the only way they can cope is by not being sober. i tried to reassure them that they can talk to people and it takes strength and it won’t make them weak but they left me on read.

so obviously i don’t think they like me anymore at all.

their group of friends is kinda my group of friends, and they were planning to see IT 2 this saturday, and actually their friend had invited me on tuesday but his phone broke so i could only talk to him about it if i saw him irl, which is difficult at college. i ended up going to his house and i basically gave him money for the film and he said he’ll speak to /them/ about what time people are going and stuff.

when i got home i had a lot of anxiety so i messaged this guy that’s in the group who does class As and asked if he can get me something and he flat out said No, i mean i kept asking and eventually /THEY/ messaged me “Are you alright?” out of nowhere shsjdjdjxjsshhds !!!! like no ???? you haven’t instigated a conversation with me in 8 days. anyway we talked for a while and they were pretty patronising and eventually i snapped at them “oh fucking hell **** why did you even bother messaging me. it’s not like you care” and they said “what did i do?” it was frustrating. we talked for quite a while through some things and eventually ended up talking about the dr*gs again, and they started getting a bit pissed off with me. so i said again, “why did you message me” and they said “because i figured something must be going wrong and i wanted to try to cheer you up” so then of course i felt bad but i pointed out that it didn’t really seem that way, and we spoke through some more things and it feels like we may have resolved some issues.

basically they’re trying to sort out their own shit which is good !! cause i’d been so worried about what they’d said before about not being sober and stuff. but they said they do worry about me and care about me and they’re there for me even if they’re not talking to me (which is because lately they’ve been cutting down on social interactions to take some time to themself). so if we’re not talking i can still message them and rant i guess, which i mean i probably won’t ever do because i’ll feel like a burden but yknow. the option is there.

TL;DR: my FP was avoiding me and ignoring me and i was getting a lot of anxiety and confusion but yesterday they messaged me and we talked for a while and i think we resolved some things. i hope we can just be friends, i don’t want to overcomplicate it or lose them