Its not like I didn't know that he doesn't love me. We talked once about how we as humans follow a "rule of 3s"; to fall for someone you need to find them in some level attractive, find that your mind and intelligence is in some close level to each other and emotion and feeling should be intertwined. I know I fell long ago, with my perfect 3. He told me I could never be that. I knew that, yet hear it from his mouth brought me back to a place where I truly know, no will ever love me, and I wont be able to find a 3 in my life. 

I knew how things were because he's my best friend, and still is, even after pouring my heart out. He was polite and caring, and that somehow sank me even deeper. I don't wanna keep going at it in my head anymore. It hurts so much. I'm 28 years old. I'm tired. I'm fucking sad. I was sad before, I know I've dealt with depression since I was 18, but it has never been this hard.

If this is supposed to make me blow some steam, it has only made me realize that I'm lonelier than I have ever been, even if he still sends memes over the phone. I'm supposed to laugh.