I'll keep it short if I can.

I felt like I escaped by moving away. And I feel incredibly fortunate for my current living situation and job. I really try. Im in college and I work hard. But I'm suffering mentally. 

I have CPTSD because of an abusive childhood (both parents, primarily mom). I possibly have DID. 

I fought a serious eating disorder and kind of won. But I'm slipping back. 

- My youngest sister had cancer (thank God, her tumor was no longer cancerous) and I at times was her primary care taker. She fought hard. She nearly died three times. Im so grateful she's alive. But her tumor has started growing again.

- My dad is very immature, angry, and irresponsible. I essentially raised my siblings, and helped my sister raise her kids. I had 0 freedom as a kid and teenager. 

- My mom has been in jail multiple times and recently late last year for double homicide. thats all I'll say.  I have to participate in the trial, so I'm being dragged through all of the trauma. 

- My family is pretty much falling apart back at home. Everything I loved and cherished about our family traditions and how close we are is in shambles. Because of a mix of my mom, an equally psychotic sister, and a rapist cousin. All I can do is watch.

- To add, my lovely uncle died of throat cancer last year. A close cousin died from a gun accident several months ago.

- Someone stole almost 1.4k from my bank account today. Completely drained. Im working on getting the money back but I feel fucking miserable. 

 - I think my family I'm living with now wants me to start looking for elsewhere to stay. It's starting to feel like my time is up. Im 19. They're lovely but I don't feel like I belong anymore. I never really have. So maybe it's in my head. 

I kind of want it all to be over. Im tired. Every time I feel like I'm securing happiness, the rug is ripped from under me. I've really tried. It's always either a hellish scenario or my own mental health. I just want to be happy. It feels like I'm not allowed to. 

I don't expect responses. There's a million of these posts. I just don't have anything else to do now except for opening up to the void of people online. 

It's 11pm. Goodnight.