**fair warning, this is a very long post.**

im just going to list things here that kinda concerns me. chances are this wont be all of them as i cant remember everything at once. if you need anything elaborated feel free to ask. also ik you can’t diagnose me but i want to know i’m not crazy and it would be nice to have a general idea of what’s going on and if its worth reaching out for.

* explosive anger i cant really control (sometimes its easier to control than other times, there are times where i get lucky and manage to hold it in until i get alone / only take it out on myself but sometimes there are exceptions. this used to be physical but now its mostly yelling, except when i take it out on myself i cut). this also caused getting irritated by the smallest things
* rapid mood swings
* quickly trusting people or never trusting them at all
* going from loving someone to hating them over very small things. if its online ill usually ghost them if its IRL then i go back to loving them eventually then repeat (i really hate myself for this one). this also includes going from idealizing / idolizing someone to despising them just as easily
* overthinking someones tone / when they sigh / etc and taking it as they hate me, usually causes the bullet point above
* either being empty / numb or experiencing strong emotions
* fear of abandonment; doing things to avoid people hating me / leaving me even if i know it wont cause them to hate me / leave me (often involves avoiding doing simple things like getting water because of the fear of abandonment. idk either). this one ties in with anxiety as well
* being a people pleaser, everyone has to like me 100% of the time and if they dont im a bad person
* extreme guilt over things i shouldn't be guilty over (side note, guilt is the emotion that hurts the most).
* being ashamed of some of the trauma ive went through
* on the same note, being completely desensitized to some of the trauma ive been through
* mostly black and white thinking. either theres a very small grey area or it is entirely black and white but my anxiety + fear of abandonment makes me question it
* extremely impulsive suicide attempts. i spend a lot of time thinking of how i can do it and writing notes but i never have a date or time, what happens is ill be having a bad time then ill decide to try one. this has happened over 10 times, but i havent been counting. theyve all gone unnoticed
* kind of unstable sense of identity and view of myself. in terms of gender / sexuality i used to struggle a lot but i think ive found my footing with that one. with my actual personality, i have no idea. this also includes going from thinking im a good person to thinking im evil
* foggy memories, most of which are as if watching a movie and not as if its through my eyes
* need to be perfect all the time. for example if get a grade below 98 (which even that is a bit of a stressor) i feel like ive failed
* reliance on self-harm, which causes me to not want to recover and being unable to imagine my life without it
* paranoid about a lot of things, especially the possibility people are watching me / people put cameras in my room / house
* almost constantly (especially at school) imagining there are one or two people following me and (in my head) reacting to things happening to or around me as if it was through their eyes. i don't actually see through their eyes, i imagine i do and i cant stop it
* disordered eating. no counting calories (used to, not anymore. made me too guilty) but skipping meals, telling myself i dont deserve to eat, sometimes writing down everything i eat, and seeing how long i can make it throughout the day without eating
* intrusive thoughts, a lot about homicide (i posted about this a while ago if you need info)
* i think episodes of mania and depression. not 100% sure about the mania
* go from thinking its genuinely getting better (most of the time for a few hours, sometimes a few weeks. most is a month or two) to it getting so much worse than before
* always questioning if im overreacting and if im the bad person / made my trauma up
* struggling to identify emotions (might be the autism)
* believing that committing suicide is easier than asking for help
* wanting help one second then not wanting it the next

okay some further questions. ive been doing research with bpd for about a year, so i know they dont usually diagnose minors, so is it even worth bringing up with someone? also can i get a proper diagnosis while not telling them about the sh and suicidal ideation? ive brought sh up before and it did not end well