I’m 19 and around two weeks ago I flew halfway across the world to study in a foreign country i’ve only been to once, during a pandemic too. I’ve had thoughts about this being a major mistake lots of times. I went through with it anyways. one of the reasons I could go was because I thought this country was safer than my country. And it is! For now. 

Recently the university I’m enrolled in “mandated” vaccination for all students attending in person classes, but they’re not asking for proof of vaccination from anyone except people living in dorms. I read a couple messages people (professors, students) wrote about this and they say that it’s gotta change, they’ve betrayed the students’ trust and they have got to make a real mandate for everyone. I agree with this completely. I’m kind of pissed off. Its mostly my fault that I’m in this situation now (I made this choice) and I accept that, but I thought the situation was well thought out by the university and everyone involved. offline classes are clearly risky and a spike in cases could definitely happen. The university was so confident making so many of these classes offline and they’re not even thinking about it right. The ventilation is messed up (they didn’t check it), people can attend classes even if they are positive or unvaccinated, masks are not required in some spaces, etc etc. I should’ve thought about it more.

The reason I couldn’t just stay home was because a lot of my courses this semester are offline. My extended family and friends thought I was crazy for going, my mom wanted me to take a gap year, my father wanted me to do what I want. It was either take a year off or go. I didn’t want to take a year off because I felt like if I didn’t go now, I would never go. that scared me more than the virus. But now that I’m here I feel like that was a lapse in judgement. I don’t know why I was so optimistic about this. I’ve been safe back home for a couple years, why couldn’t I have waited another year? I am not close with a single person in this country, and there is nobody here that I would trust with my life except myself. I’ve never been completely alone like this in my life.

Aside from that, I’m currently in quarantine in a hotel room and I’m getting out soon. I don’t really want to leave. It’s safe here and I’m not exposed to the virus, no matter how lonely and stuffy it is. I dread leaving so much. I didn’t really have health anxiety before the pandemic, so I don’t know much about it. I don’t know if my health anxiety is actual health anxiety or if it’s just the normal amount of wariness people have towards COVID. I am just so scared of actually being infected. I’ll probably be fine, my immune health isn’t that bad and I am vaccinated, but I don’t want to be a burden to any more people. I’m a financial burden on my family and I don’t want to be a bigger one on society by spreading the virus. I don’t think I have the mental capacity to handle being sick with COVID.

I’m writing this before I break down completely because I am so so scared. There are so many things that could go wrong. I was so scared of staying home forever that I made a bad decision. Now the thought of never leaving my house for years feels dreamy. I’d love to say that this was a you only live once kind of decision but that makes me so angry I want to chew on a tree raw. And the future is going to be so much more complicated. I have a work semester in January, that’s a whirlpool of problems on its own. I am starting to get so scared of these things that I’m unable to speak sometimes. If my social anxiety takes a comeback  I have no clue what I will do. sick of pretending to be strong in front of my friends and family back home.

I just needed to rant for a bit. This is so long. I’m sorry if this makes anyone else feels like shit. I hope everything is/will be all good and this is all just me worrying too much as always…………