So basically I have been in a relationship for 3 years, I got diagnosed 2 years ago and things have been really hard coming to terms with my illness n trying not to ruin myself or push everyone away. My partner seemed so understanding at the beginning, but now i feel ashamed of being who I am and having bpd, I feel like damaged goods and a burden. He has been cheating on me and told me it was in my head which I actually believed I was being paranoid turns out it wasn't in my head. Which proper hurts knowing he would use my illness and make me think it was me when it wasn't. He has been shouting at me n screaming calling me loads of nasty stuff. Told me its my fault he cheated because of how hard the last 2 years have been. I should be grateful he didn't leave me. Im a weirdo. No one likes me. I have been isolated from my friends and family. He's been hitting me and I have allowed it all. The worse he's been to me the more I tried for him to love me. I have purposely endured this as my own personal punishment because in my head im worthless and not worth any better. I know I need to let go but I'm scared of being on my own. I really do love this guy and convince myself maybe its me who needs to change or maybe its ok because he didn't leave me. Im not sure why I have allowed this or why i can't seem to let him go. I know he doesn't love me uses me and always seems to be happy when im upset. Why can't I ever accept its not my fault but I still feel like it is. Im not sure what im asking on here I just know I feel so alone. I try to be a good person I try to be loving and enough I just don't know why I'm being made to feel so awful n then the cycle of me wondering if its my fault starts all over again.