Obligatory “throwaway, info changed for anonymity, blah blah.” I’m not posting in r/relationship_advice because I’m not really looking for advice. I’m doing everything I can be for my anxiety: therapy, mindfulness, positive self talk, trying different meds, etc. I’ve definitely seen progress. I’m posting here because I need people who understand anxiety progress isn’t linear…and you’ll also understand when I say “last night I suddenly became very insecure about myself and stayed up way too late dissecting every comment my SO has ever made on Reddit, looking for proof they are planning on leaving me.” And oh, my anxious brain DID find proof! 

We met around the holidays 2020. We kept it casual for a few months before getting serious; we were both dating around, so that doesn’t bother me. However, last night, I saw a comment written before we had met, but only by maybe a few months, so it’s not like their taste changed drastically since then. In it, they detailed a few things they were seeking in a partner - and none of them apply to me. 

These things were:

* A specific physical feature I don’t have 

* A specific style that is the opposite of my own (ex. think if they wanted cottagecore and I was goth)

* An interest in and ability to keep up with them in the sport they enjoy. ( I’m not into sports…and I can’t keep up with them at all.)

* The real kicker: they want someone making a similar salary to them. They’re in finance. I’m a social worker. I have a steady job and I love it, but rich I will never be. As we get closer to the cohabitating conversation, money has been weighing on my mind, and reading this didn’t help. 

I felt like complete shit. I’m not what they were actively seeking out at all. I started to panic: are they just settling? Were we casual while they sought out what they REALLY wanted, then decided I was as good as it would get? Are they going to leave if this ideal person comes along? It hurts even worse because they have a female friend I am insecure about. She is physically fit AND makes similar money to them in the same field. Was I right in worrying? Is this who they REALLY want? 

I know that this is not rational. My partner raves about me. They’re always expressing their love. They can’t keep their hands off me and they are constantly complimenting how I look/style myself. I’ve been wanting to improve my health anyway and have been going to the gym, so I’m not a lost cause there. They tell me all the time they don’t care I’m not a STEM type. In fact, they’ve said they prefer my type of intelligence, and I’m more compassionate and thoughtful than them in many ways. They know I will never make a lot of money. Yeah, I’d like to pay down my debt and be better at managing my money before we get a place together, but it’s very clear I’m in a “passion” field and not a “money” field. If any of this was really a dealbreaker, they wouldn’t still be here.

I just hate that my brain won’t let go of this. I’m doing all the tricks in the book to stop intrusive thoughts, but that creeping image of their “ideal woman” is haunting me. It’s times like these that I just want to cry and beg the universe to make me neurotypical. It’s a weight on my brain, and no matter how many times I tell that voice to leave, it still hovers on the outskirts of my thoughts. People have lied before. Can’t they be lying to me every time they say they love me? It’s such a shitty feeling. Seeing them tonight made me nauseous because I know, deep down, they will leave me for someone better.

I hate this. I hate anxiety. I hate that I can’t be what they want. 

Moral of the story: don’t seek out your partner’s old social media posts. You’re just going to hurt your own feelings.