Its been two months since my grandmother passed. I’ve been with her since I was a child as she lived with us. I still cry and dream of her once a week. Sometimes I regret arguing with her all the time and side with my parents, who are against her most of the time. Being sided with my parents all the time, I became mad at her for no reason, and I was stubborn with her at times. I’m stupid for being like that, both of us didn’t really have any problems. I was just influenced by my parents as the argument was between the both of them. They fought about petty things and I feel like a hyprocrite for “hating” her while being the one who still cries about it until now. Two days before passing, I was at her bed and I regret not crying with her as she was really weak at the time (bedridden). She was holding my hand but I really did not know what to feel. Like everything was happening too fast so I just sat by her. If I knew what would happen, I wouldve cried with her as I really couldn’t do that now. At the wake, I also didn’t feel anything. Its when I’m lying in bed I go and cry, remember all the things that we did from when I was a child until her last months. Now, I’m still doing the same things wheni lie down. When I see her in my dreams I always hug her tight. Something that i wasnt able to do when she was alive and at her last days. I fucking hate myself everytime I think of this. Instead of being alright that she isnt in pain anymore, i just think about the pain I inflicted on her. We didnt really talk in her final weeks as i was really busy with school works. Just the one on her last 2 days. She wasnt really talking, we were quiet as we werethe only two people in the house, and ichecked on her if she was alright. 

Bottom line, this is something that I wouldnt forgive myself. Something to linger at the back of my head for the rest of my life.

I really like to listen to bubble gum by clairo, idky i added this but I always feel sad and remember my grandmother when listening to it.