Sometimes with partners/Fps, I kind of wish they would hit me. Or yell really hard at me. 

I don't even crave it in a sexual way, but a part of me knows it will make me feel cared about. Like if they really care, they'll get irrationally angry with me, and try to keep me in line.

I know this isn't healthy and I've never asked my partners to treat me this way, it's just an inner narrative I keep noticing.

I guess the past never ully leaves us a