I always thought of myself as someone who was incredibly resilient, and never really got affected by things that would hurt other people. I was never one to freak out over bad grades, over people making fun of me, and always had a carefree look on life. This is how everyone around me saw me and it was good.

Depression honestly used to bewilder me. I always thought you could just ‘fix’ it and try to have a better outlook on life. But after covid I just lost me spark. Nothing really changed, in fact my life improved; i got a better job, been working out a lot, and have good friends. But for some reason ive lost something inside me, something that made me who i am. I am now a husk of my former self. And when people used to say that i always thought “yeah yeah” but now i honestly see what they mean. I just feel empty. 

And im ashamed of it. People still think of me as this outgoing, carefree guy, and even though i still put on a good show, that guy died a long time ago. He would be disgusted with his future self. 

The worst thing about it is i never really understood what was happening until it was too late. I started crying myself to sleep 2-3 times a week, before that id only cried long ago as a kid. Im depressed that the depression has made me depressed. Tried to speak with my parents about it and they just give me the “yeah well thats life” and my friends say the same thing. 

Thing is, theres no root cause that i can think of. Its just so much of my life was killed by covid (im 20) and ive just had to speed up my maturity, and now that im working full time its like my life is already over. I just cant stand the thought of going on like this.