Throwaway as my main can be linked to me. I understand I could still be considered young, but I’m going to be 28 this year and feel as though I’ve absolutely wasted my life. I was one of those “gifted” kids growing up so there were always a lot of expectations on me. I went to college because “that’s what you’re supposed to do” without knowing anything about myself or what I wanted to do with my life. Ended up with a useless degree because I had to choose -something- and somehow convinced myself it would lead to some amazing career. 

I’m incredibly fortunate in that I don’t have any debt to pay off, but unsurprisingly that amazing career never happened. That was nearly six years ago and ever since then I’ve had a long string of unemployment and low paying dead end jobs that I can’t hold on to for more than a year or so because of my mental health and how being so incredibly unfulfilled affects it. Ive been unemployed now since just before the pandemic. I rely on my aging parents for support and while they love me, I feel like nothing but a massive burden to them.  I’ve desperately been looking for a job for months now since the pandemic has “calmed down” (I really don’t feel like it has but I guess we all kind of just decided to move on). But between a lack of useful experience, a job gap, depression and a huge amount of social anxiety brought on by the pandemic I have trouble even applying anymore. At the same time, I can’t bring myself to do anything but endlessly search through listings trying to find SOMETHING that wouldn’t make my mental health even worse. I literally do almost nothing but this because of the guilt I feel for not having found something yet. My best prospects right now are even more low paying, dead end jobs and when i try to imagine myself going back to that I completely shut down. I feel trapped and don’t know what to do, and the longer this has stretched out the more hopeless I’ve felt. Not even to mention the complete lack of a romantic life, or even really a social life.

 I feel even worse complaining about all of this and the likely advice is “Just get a job dude” but even though I want to the thought of it terrifies me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m lazy or just a fuckup, but I know I don’t want my life to be like this but can’t seem to bring myself to do anything about it. Is it too late to do something meaningful with my life, especially if I don’t even know what that would look like? How would I even start if I can? I want to apologize for even writing this in the first place because I KNOW how entitled it sounds but I feel like I’m at my wits end and if I don’t talk about it I might just implode.