Had  an achey throat for about six months now. First I thought it was a  cold, then after two months I saw a doctor who gave me antibiotics. They  did nothing and he basically told me to go rest. Saw a good GP last  week.

She immediately ran fluids  tests which came back clear, and yesterday booked xrays and ultrasounds,  which I had today. She told me they are looking for cancer. She  couldn't think of another possibility.

I'm  38, I've always been a piece of shit - I'm unhealthy, broke and have  nothing to show for nearly 40 years on the planet. I've only told one  person - the girl I'm seeing - and I've downplayed the hell out of it  because I don't want anyone else getting upset or making a fuss. Other  than that I've laid in bed staring at the ceiling. I feel like I've  slipped into immediate depression. I've been crying for about 24 hours  now.

I don't know. It's not like I  can feel sorry for myself or accept sympathy. I've smoked for probably  15 years, on and off. I have a terrible diet and for the last two years  have done almost no exercise.  I'm rude as hell a lot of the time, too.   A lot of people I've worked with think I'm a straight up asshole.

So  this is where it may all end up - lonely, because I always preferred  being alone, pathetic, out-of-shape, spending my last days in a cheap  rental. I thought news like this would jolt me into wanting to be a  better person, but honestly I'm just sad. I think I've accepted it.