I recently went through a stressful event that really pushed be deeper into a pit of despair. I felt so numb as all the negative emotions washed over me. In that moment I felt a sense longing for my ex-FP. I felt anxious and lonely. I wanted them to hold me like they used to and make me feel safe. I wanted to feel the warmth of being cuddled up with them. I felt even more hopeless when I became aware that no matter how hard I have been trying I couldn't make myself feel the same way. I can't self soothe or reinforce an internal sense of safety. I was bummed and I just slept through the day.

Today my friends reached out and offered to help. I was a bit too afraid to ask for help even though I knew they wouldn't let me down. I sat there I realized that maybe I wasn't so lonely, that maybe this warmth doesn't need to come from a single source. Maybe it doesn't always need to look the same. Here I was in big trouble, but I wasn't alone! I wasn't lonely! I had friends who loved me and cared for me and didn't want me to be stressed or feel like I was helpless. I felt that warmth. I felt safe knowing that during this time I wasn't alone. I had people there to love me and help me without wanting anything in return, and for that I am forever grateful.

When my thinking becomes too black it's hard to stay hopeful. It's hard to see what I already have around me. It's hard to appreciate the resources I have. Maybe the stress I went through this weekend was the reminder I needed that all is not black.