I'm need to write because I need to get this out .... I don't know why I have such low self esteem. I want to be my own friend but I have a hard time. 

I live alone with my cat because my mom's a hoarder and because our personalitys crash. My grandparents live in another country and my boyfriend is in another state since October because of a business he's doing with his dad. I got no friends and even when I do I never connect with them that much to continue the friendship. 

I hate that my boyfriend feels better than Mr. I wish I didn't feel like this but it's the truth. Everytime I text him what are u doing and he says he went out to eat w his family or anything that shows he's happy and having a good time I get so annoyed. I know I'm jealous that he has a family and a better life than mine.

I always daydream about being confident and beautiful and loving life but I don't. I am so negative and im so alone I just wanna cry. Even writing this I can feel the emotions bubbling up. I hate seeing families in public especially with their stupid smiles like life is good. 

I hate not being first. I don't know why either. I just wanna be someone's first priority all the time and I want them to love me no matter what. But I also realize thats a lot of irrational thoughts because people have their own lives and their own struggles to be worrying about me. 

I just feel so young and old. Like I've been through so much I feel so old but I am also like a little 5 year old that wants attention and love and feel important and like my needs and wants are important and someone cares to be there for me ....