After a few years of depression my suicidal thoughts have balanced out to this interesting place. 

I used to have a lot of issues with myself because of how I was starting to look, my hairline receding , teeth getting messed up, getting some deep forehead lines at only 22, add my glasses I felt like I was going through all the things a man isn't supposed to deal with until he hits his 30s.

I've tried to tell myself it doesn't matter, its just looks and vanity but its severely effected my confidence, before I used to see myself doing well in a social setting, now I isolate myself from everyone because I always feel insecure when socializing.

There's also just the fact that I've never found something I care about, nothing I'm particularly good at, and when I turn my mind to try and get good at something, for some reason my appearance comes into play. I guess in a way I like to imagine what I'd look like when I achieve success and the fact that I will never look like this idealized version of myself makes me lose all motivation to try.

Its left one thing as the sole reason I'm still going. I'm very into fiction writing, yeah its interesting that the only thing I care about is something that literally involves running from reality and escaping into a fantasy world.

Anyway, I had this interest in the past and it didn't feel worth it, but recently I've come to a place of solemn acceptance of my circumstances because I no longer feel the burden of needing to have a future. I no longer imagine myself reaching an older age, being great at something and growing into something amazing. These days I see my future as maybe lasting two or three years giving me time to write a few books, the success of which doesn't matter too much, then I can just end it.

I know, it sounds messed up, but the idea that I can end my life at any time, that it doesn't have to be today is what's kept me going for the past year. I'm alive because, why kill myself today when I can do it tomorrow. I know for sure if I had to choose between living out my life in full and ending it now I would choose now, but the idea that suicide is always an option is comforting to me. Its always there for the day I no longer see a reason to push on.

I know that's not what a lot of people want to hear, but its what's brought me to a place where things don't seem as hopeless as before. All I really wish was that I was born with something that gave me a shorter life expectancy, then I couldn't be blamed for ending my life. I could easily hold out until I hit 30 if I had to.