(I realize how lengthy this is, but I would greatly appreciate it if it is read fully. Thank you!)

I've tried on countless occasions to write out exactly how I'm feeling, what I think might be wrong with me, and any general thoughts. This post will likely contain a lot of this, but much like those writings, it likely won't give a perfect portrayal, even when I go back and read it later.

I often struggle with not knowing what I really think and general confusion, and sometimes opinions or assessments are forced out in my writing as an attempt to feel definitive for once. Even as I'm writing that, I'm doubting myself. Do I really think that? Are thoughts supposed to be this omniscient and abstract? Why are people so capable of forming opinions or knowing so much about a topic when I can barely remember what I'm thinking? I hate feeling like an idiot in conversations because I can't contribute anything useful. It's hard to tell if it's just a lack of confidence or if I'm genuinely ignorant.

I've never been very social, as I was typically bullied in elementary school. Though it's hard to say whether my ADHD and general oddness led to my social difficulties, which then led to me being picked on, or if it was the other way around and became cyclical. Despite being bullied, I desperately tried making friends, primarily with the bullies themselves. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but it could be because they were popular and I really wanted to be liked. My trouble with making friends was not helped when I was tranfered to a new school for scoring high on a placement test. I didn't know many kids as most of them came from other schools, and of course their cliques had been well-established for years. My attempts to join in a group weren't immediate failures, but my conversation skills were nonexistent, and I simply did not know how to talk to people and contribute to a discussion. I became the kind of kid that wouldn't eat lunch in the cafeteria. Instead, I would either sit down the hall sometimes intentionally looking sad as a natural plea for someone to help me or realize that I was not in a good place, or I would eat with the teachers. I feel like they knew something was wrong with me, but nobody ever made any significant attempts to ask me what was wrong beyond "are you alright?" My body language often signalled that I needed help, but I also would say that I was fine or I would give a believable reason for not wanting to eat with the other kids. One day on the ride home on the bus, I was sitting on the edge of their social circle in the back of the bus, as I usually did. Sometimes they would address me directly, most likely sarcastically asking me a question so they could laugh at the answer. This time around, one of them turned and pointed at me with a smirk on his face saying "look at Grant trying to be part of the conversation," which was quickly followed up by a group laugh. Embarrassed, I slid to the window side of the seat and slouched down, looking purposefully depressed out at the dreary rain. The entirety of elementary school was a horrible time of my life. No extended periods of happiness, no desire to learn. I would go to the nurse almost every day saying that I had a stomach or head ache and ask for my mom to pick me up. Some of my teachers would raise their voices at me in front of the whole class if I didn't do my homework, which I usually didn't. Even if they asked me what was wrong, I don't think I really knew what to say because there were so many factors at play. I was so inept with making friends, bullied, unmotivated, incredibly depressed, severely anxious, insecure, I had trouble focusing, and had trouble learning.

Towards the end of 6th grade and primarily in middle school, I decided that I did not need any friends. I would focus on school and not let social meanderings impede my aspirations which actually arose for the first time during chemistry class. For the first time I think in my entire educational career I was a dedicated student that wasn't failing because I was depressed and anxious and lacked motivation. My grades were actually great. But underneath this guise of success there was a growing resentment for other kids. I didn't really respect them and felt like I was smarter and more responsible. Having friends was meaningless when compared to school, I thought, and my ego built up and up and up. It was this mindset that I believe set me up for disaster in the following years.

High school orientation was an exciting time for me. I finally felt happy and was actively pursuing a field of interest with a plan for the future. I kept telling myself that I was going to excel in the coming years with the same mindset. It was in early October of freshman year when it finally hit me. The initial crack in my psyche that led to the bursting of the wall that I built up around me. I actually had started studying psychology and philosophy earlier that year. I challenged myself with the biggest questions, and I even declared myself an atheist, just not openly. I felt I was just as smart as any adult. I was the embodiment of logical thinking, or so I thought. It was also around this time that I gained a more intimate interest in sex and those sorts of things, and for the sake of this subreddit I will only say that, due to some mismeasurement, I set my confidence up for failure.

Everything came crashing down at once one day. I was in the middle of last period and this seemingly harmless thought struck me. Being the self proclaimed logician that I was, I braved the thought train. It was about trend. A trend of gradual and cyclical failures that I had every year with making friends. And grades. And everything. I literally could not think clearly and I distinctly remember intensely clouded thoughts. I could not handle it, and I broke inside that day. I clung to my psychology and philosophy studies in an attempt to fix what had happened, but it only led to over analysis and misguided thinking. Insecurity. Self-doubt. Worthlessness. Literally everything that I thought, and had built my happiness around, was completely false. My grades dropped tremendously. All I could tell myself for the next few years was that I'll never be back to the way I was. There were actually many ups and downs in hopefulness, but ultimately I am where I am now. Not much better, unfortunately. Or that's how it feels at least.

I never developed good study habits. Aside from those two years, I was never dedicated to bettering myself. I had become complacent and in doing so was left in the dust. Nowadays it's hard to say if I'm happy or sad, generally speaking. I notice so many issues with me that stem from earlier in my life, and therein lies the intention I had with writing this. I want to identify what's wrong with me, definitively. I don't want to speculate anymore and tell myself that I'm fine and moving in a good direction. (Another part of my mind is cutting in to say that there is a part of me that wants to be better and another that wants to just keep going as is and hope that everything turns out fine.) I am so incredibly insecure and I feel depressed and anxious every day. I want so badly to be the best at something, everything if possible, maybe to return to my former glory, so to speak. But sometimes I tell myself that it's too late, you wasted your life and missed your chance to be one of the best. You're not good enough now. You're behind everyone else and you should just give up college now and forget about your life.

I don't have to be the best, I know that, it's okay to not be the best and to even be average or below. My thoughts on this vary from characteristic to characteristic, but I don't know if it's really true. I try to tell myself that it is, but I don't really feel like it is to me. I don't feel okay being worse at something than someone else. I feel horrible around people that are better than me. I'm so damn envious and desperate and lazy and ambitious (sometimes in the wrong ways).

To some degree, I've left behind my desire to be the "biggest" and the associated feelings of inadequacy. I know I can't change it (even though I'm slightly above average), yet I still feel insecure quite often. It's actually one of the most significant parts of my emotional problems. Thinking about it just ruins my day.

I feel so awful around people who are smarter or know more than me, and no matter how much I tell myself that it doesnt matter, IT STILL MATTERS TO ME. And yet I do nothing about it. I just sit there and let it happen. They get smarter and I learn whatever is being taught in the class, most of the time. It's so often that I feel like a lost cause and worthless because of how far behind I am in every aspect. It really feels like I'm never going to be happy for more than a couple hours at a time. 

Now, to clarify, my opinions or the way that I present my issues could vary drastically from day to day. I may find tomorrow that I omitted large parts from this, specifically regarding more recent issues, or I presented something in an overly dramatic way. I overanalyze this stuff all the time and I worry so much about what people think, and I try to validate myself with the dumbest things. Sometimes things that I can't go into detail with on here.

I don't want to be this bundle of thoughts with no meaning anymore.


If you actually read all of that, I congratulate and thank you, it means a lot. It's late and I'm tired, and I'm aware of the poor way in which this was written, so I may revise or add to this tomorrow. If you have any input or help, aside from the obvious "see a therapist," I'd appreciate to hear it. I know I need serious therapy, but I don't want to go in there not knowing what to say. I often need to write things instead of saying them. If they ask me questions, I need time to think about it deeply, otherwise I may give them an answer that misrepresents what I actually think, and it ends up being a chunk of wasted time. I know a lot of this is probably disjointed, and I think I became progressively less and less descriptive and thorough as I became more and more tired. So anyways, that's enough for one night. Thank you.