I'm ruining my relationship. I'm suspicious and trust isn't even in my vocabulary right now. I'm terrified of losing them, but I'm pushing them away with demands and pointing out flaws. When all of my flaws are pointed out, its so clear that I'm being swallowed by bpd again (I can't stay in one job for a long period of time, my goal constantly change and nothing is achieved, I jump from interest to interest and abandon ideas and goals.) And thats just what they see. They don't know how tormented I am by panic and fears of rejection, convinced they're cheating and lying and just terrible one day and then so happy and in love the next. the back and forth, black and white, good and evil shifts are tearing me apart. I hurt them and make them feel inadequate, yet I'm heart broken and shocked by the distance and disconnect. 

I'm convinced there's no way to be in a stable, healthy relationship with bpd. I used to hate when people said that, because at one point I did have my life together. But I'm so lost. I feel like the shell of a human. There's just nothing inside and no one wants that, no one deserves to deal with someone like me. The worst part is how invisible all of this is. I feel like a monster but no one can see that. I look like I have it all together and I look happy, so when I freak out I'm "just being dramatic".

Where and how do I start to untangle this? Has anyone gotten through this, relationship intact? 