First of I would like to put a trigger warning here because this talks about suicide a lot, I have no idea how to put post flairs up but I guess this is just a vent and I don't particularly want to get advice, just to get it written down for once.

So ever since my last relationship and the death of my son and subsequently the end of that last relationship I just wanted to die. Suicidal thoughts have accompanied me every day ever since and after a year of that I started to search for a way out.

Now a few months back I met this girl and we clicked super well instantly like we knew each other since childhood sort off. She is in an open Relationship so I knew it would never really work out getting into anything serious with her.

At some point I decided to make her my easy way out. That means getting so obsessed with her that whenever I cut ties with her I will get to impulsive that I will finally have the courage to end it all.

Now I am close to the point where I wanna play that card and I am both excited and unimaginably scared of it at the same time.

I am not sure what I wanna accomplish with this but sometimes writing stuff down in my non-native language helps me a lot. Everyone who got this far, thank you for reading! Hope the formatting works