This has single-handedly been the worst year of my life. I’ve lost all my friends, several family members, and myself in the process. I’m severely depressed and I have no motivation to do anything anymore, I struggle to even get out of bed. All of the things I used to love, no longer make me happy. I’ve lost so much weight, I can barely recognize myself in the mirror, and I absolutely hate the person looking back at me. Everyone has left because I’m so negative and not a joy to be around anymore. I used to be so funny, the life of the party, and had so many friends. My life has changed completely, and I no longer have the energy to fake a smile and pretend like I’m okay around others, so I avoid everyone and hide.

Through all of this, the only thing that has brought me any type of joy, is my cat. This may sound silly, but she’s truly my best friend. She calms me down when i’m having an anxiety attack, and she rubs her face against mine when i’m crying. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me this year and I truly don’t think I’d be here if I didn’t have her, because her love is unconditional, no matter how much I may hate myself. 

But, I sleep all day, I don’t leave my room, I don’t eat, I don’t play with her as often as I should, and although none of this is intentional, I feel like I’ve made her depressed just like me. She now sleeps all day as well, and doesn’t play or do basic cat things. She’s not even a year old, and before I fell into this dark hole, she was one of the most energetic, funny, and playful cats. I’ve changed her and I feel so fucking guilty. I’m like a parasite who just takes everyone around down with me. I hate knowing that I’m making her sad, and changing her bubbly personality. And I feel even more guilty because I can’t find it in me to give her a better home, because she’s all I have. I’d absolutely lose myself without her. I know she still loves me because we cuddle every night and she always is purring and follows me wherever I go. But she’s still just not the same.

I can handle fucking my own life up, but I cannot bare the thought of taking her down with me. I want to get better, she deserves so much better. I want to be the happy person I once was, and let her know that she’s going to be okay, and that I love her so much. If I can’t do it for myself, I must do it for her. 

Now that I’ve pitied myself and and expressed how guilty I am, even though it’s all my fault, I guess I’d just like to hear some personal experiences? What has helped you pull yourself out of your dark hole? Especially when you have no one to help or motivate you, even though I know it’s nobody’s job to save me, it still much harder going through this alone. I want to become a happy person again, and give my cat the life she deserves. Please help me.