This is just another cathartic scream into the void.

In as a non-self-aggrandizing a way as possible, I have reached a point in my life where money means relatively little to me. The job that funds me is meaningless. A job that makes money for money's sake while providing nothing to the advancement of society is akin to a tumor, and yet it's what I am. 

Day after day, I work to make rich people richer by pumping information into the brains of millions to convince them that they need what they cannot afford. At the end of the month, I then take a look at the chumps who bought what I had to sell and present my results to the people at the top of the pyramid scheme that is my corporation and they send me my bi-monthly paycheck. This paycheck then allows me to make frivolous purchases like nice furniture, or to sink into my hobbies. But after buying yet another pair of running shoes to replace the ones that I'd broken, it came:

An overwhelming feeling of emptiness.

It was a silence that screamed to me that my job meant nothing, that my efforts to exercise and stay healthy for the past two years contribute little to my satisfaction in life, that even my family and other loved ones say they care for me, but have never made any demonstrable effort of that. Even people who I call my friends have all but disappeared from my life, only popping a few times a year to wish me a happy birthday/holiday. My hobbies feel meaningless. Why do I lift weights, why do I run marathons? Everything feels as if its trying to compensate for a lack of something real.

All of this began to well up inside of me and yet it I can't physically scream, or cry. There's a thought in my mind that sounds like my mother telling me that I can't be depressed; that I have so much to be thankful for and I have no right to be upset. In my mind this makes sense, things could be worse; but inside I just feel something like a black pit that's getting wider and wider swallowing all of that up. Everything in my life becomes two-dimensional as the floor sucks all of it into the dark.

What do I want, why am I here?

My existence just feels redundant. It's as if I'm realizing that I'm an NPC and if I die, nothing changes. If I don't respawn, the game would continue on as usual. If I lived alone, it would take days for someone to notice that I'd gone. I don't plan on doing anything, I don't want to die. But god damnit I feel so alone in this. I feel so far away from anything real.