Hey guys. I am honestly just on here kind of trying to search for an outlet/group of people who may understand me better and who may try and help me understand what the hell is going on. 

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I am 29 years old and I have always had mental health issues. Since I was about 13. In and out of treatment centers and I repeatedly was in and out of multiple hospital psyche wards. However, when I turned 18 I was able to kind of do my own thing and live my life with out being forced medications or anything which had been happening for over 2 years. They diagnosed me as bipolar but as an adult, I was diagnosed with anxiety, PTSD &amp; depression. However, I feel I have BPD. I have researched and looked into it. I am very insightful with myself and I am aware that my brain does not work normal and notice I have a terrible time controlling stuff sometimes. Stuff that you would assume would be very easy for most, but for me, it feels like its impossible. 

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I have had the same stupid issues with every relationship, even though I see them happening and starting, its like I cannot stop it. I do not feel insecure or self hating, but I am. I hate myself. Everyday. But I don't at the same time. I want to die and leave this world, but I am too scared. So it turns into a thought that just consumes me. I hate that my brain is this way. I do not understand why I always think the worst is gonna happen. That I am scared of my dude just going out to grab drinks cuz im like "nope, hes there checking every girl out" but like, really? I know that isnt what is happening. I know he is just there hanging out enjoying time. But my mind wont let it go. And if I dont control it, I spew the texts out and accuse him of shit. I know that its so fucking crazy and it makes so sense. How do I get it to stop? How do I tell my brain that its okay? That I dont need to manipulate, that I am okay alone, that I can survive. How do I even get to a place where my brain doesn't control me?? It feels like a seriously never ending battle. I get so angry. Like I am fighting with my brain to be normal. Telling it that its being dumb and making shit up. However, the more struggles that life throws my way, the harder it gets to be able to fight with my brain. Im just lost.

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Sorry for long post. Read it or don't. It is here. Any and all advice would be great. Please just be nice. I know what I do and say isnt normal, healthy behavior. I prefer to not have it pointed out. 