I feel like shit since 9 months because:
• I'm ugly as fuck, introvert and shy
• My classmates don't talk to me and I don't talk to them either and always use my phone
• My teachers give me a lot of stuff to do and this year I don't even put that effort I used to and I really want to get better and I feel guilty this holiday because I feel like doing nothing all day and I still have a lot of homework to do and school is about to start in 3 days, I have good grades though (at least for now)
• Most of my friends are fake and I'm still looking for a boy to stay beside me and raise up the low self-esteem that I always have but just try to hide by wearing a mask which consists of being self-centered and entertain people like Paolo does (we used to be best friends then 2 people joined my group of friends and I got too fond of them taking them as a support but I was wrong, he started to "steal" them by being more entertaining or raising up his voice and ruined my whole summer, I felt like shit and just ended up overthinking about my shitty life and killing myself then since September I changed and directed my anger against him so I stopped feeling like that and started being more entertaining even if in the last couple of days I feel kind of annoying/boring to people, being rude at him because I want him to feel like I felt wasn't a good idea because I got attacked by those 2 people I got too fond of in the beginning and they told me that I should stop doing it so I'll just ignore him). Fortunately I got fond of 2 other people who seem better than the previous 2, I hope he won't "steal" them even if he always tries to and they fall for it sometimes, I feel like shit because I want to feel as appreciated as him at least, but he keeps joining all the discussions I'm in and interrupt me, I'm good with everyone except him, if he wasn't around everything would be perfect and would make me less negative/drowned than I am
• In the last few days I feel annoying, boring and childish and mostly I feel like I'm worthless, I don't have a purpose, I just got to kill myself and I feel like I will never archieve my dreams and goals nor be a better person or have a good future
• I argue a lot with my mom because she often yells at me because I don't want to do my homework and I'm starting to feel bad about it because it's my duty and I really want to be more responsible and independent, about my dad, I don't want to see him anymore because I feel like he doesn't care about me and he gives few money to my mom for my maintenance so she basically spends almost all her money for me and I feel really bad about it, I really want to be a better guy even by getting hired for a part-time job this summer to help her but I'm not sure about it
• I want to go to the U.S. to start my life over and be sorrounded by better people and even for being a better person and the guy that I've always wanted to be but I don't know if I'm enough to do it, I had the opportunity to go there next year but I still don't feel ready and I'm worried that I will never do it because of not enough money or that if I will do it I will be like I am here, unappreciated and underrated by most of the people I know due to my character, so I just hope to have a better future
• I want to be more responsible by using my phone/computer less and don't let it become my addiction (even if it already is one) but I want to do my best to reduce it and focus more on my life goals and responsibilities
• I wanna be less under pressure from my mom because she makes me stressed out most of the time by complaining to much, overreacting or losing her patience easily, so that's one of the reasons why I want to go away and have my own property without people that tell me what to do or how to live
• I say that I want to kill myself because I hate my current life but it doesn't mean that I really want to die, I just want to change it and make it as better as possible so that's a really good thing and I hope that I will do it in the future because the present sucks