i don’t wanna say my age idk why i don’t get paranoid about that but i’ll just say i’m under 21. i constantly get these moments where i feel super anxious &amp; sad and just hate myself over things from the past. most of them are things from hs especially from when i was 16/17. i would always start like really bad conflict with other people (both online and in person but mainly online) just because that seemed funny or interesting to me. i would do that and other risky things just cause it gave me an adrenaline rush and i still get an adrenaline rush from reckless things but not the same things as before. i really hate how i used to be, i was a horrible person and not just some “i’m a horrible person because i lie to my friends” or whatever i was actually a horrible person that did shit just because it was funny or sumn like that. it’s weird cause i’ve always felt bad whenever i’d say or do bad things to someone, even if they showed they didn’t care that much but i had moments when i’d be this person i hated and it always felt like i was two different people or whatever. i’ve been feeling like this since i was a kid since 5 or 6 but as i got older it just got worse. as a person i was at my worse when i was 16/17, i wasn’t out here being like physically violent to people or animals but i was still doing a lot of bad shit. i think a lot of it came from anger as well, conflict still gives me an adrenaline rush but not as much as it did before and there’s so much shit i did back then that i wouldn’t do now. when i was 18 i started changing a lot and became more self aware. there was this one day when i had a bad panic attack and just started thinking about literally every negative moment in my life and that made change even more. i still have a lot of bpd symptoms, i got diagnosed with it last year but couldn’t believe it till i read more about it. i know i’m way better than i was back then but i still hate myself for the person i was around that time. my old therapist told me that my anger problems getting worse could’ve stemmed from facing racism and she’s right about that. i don’t wanna blame other people for me becoming who i was, i blame myself for getting that bad and i hate myself for it all the time but i’m glad i didn’t let it continue longer.