I recently got diagnosed with BPD, so I am not in proper therapy yet, i.e. I'm not learning coping skills and I don't get to talk to my therapist about my problems as I am still busy going through the diagnostic process with other suspected disorders.

One of my biggest struggles is keeping relationships/friendships. I have an amazing boyfriend who has been nothing but kind and supportive to me, but I sometimes act very toxic towards him because I am terrified of being abandoned.

Today I started a fight because I once again was scared of being abandoned. I struggle to stop my emotions when this happens, and it ended up with him contemplating breaking up with me (I've spoken about it before because I want to push him so he'll pull back, I know this is unhealthy) and me begging him not to leave me after being the one suggesting it. This is the first time it has ever gotten this bad. He says he doesn't know if he can take it anymore, because he feels bad when I have episodes, and that even though he loves me, it hurts. He usually ends up crying a lot, and I know he genuinely is hurt. I love him with all my heart, but I keep hurting him. We decided to wait and see if I can get better, but I can't get theraphy until August or later.

I want to be with this person for a long time, but I keep pushing him further and further away from me when I have episodes, because I think I am unlovable and will therefore be abandoned eventually. I also dissociate during these episodes, making it harder to stop, and today I genuinely thought I was just having a nightmare.

How can I cope and prevent myself from doing harmful things towards him when I get paranoid and anxious? I usually feel it coming when I first get triggered, but I have no idea how to de-escalate it.

Please give me your advice, I am desperate and so painfully unhappy :(