Hey guys,

when I was in my early twenties, I had a huge breakdown in college, which after a lot of research made me suspicious that I had BPD. I finally managed to get into a psych center to get a diagnosis a year ago. They told me at the time I was meeting the criteria for both AVPD and BPD, mainly the latter. During this time, I was struggling with graduating bachelors, had an intense urge to get into masters and wanted to get into a relationship with a particular person.  


Now, I've graduated several years after than most of my peers, my favorite person has left the town, and I just got accepted to masters that I wanted to go to. I'm starting to feel ... calm. Occasionally, I have fuck ups where I do stuff I shouldn't do, but I'm starting to be able to notice the triggers and my behavior. Yet everything just feels so ... pointless. Pointless because my whole life I have been living on a skewed perception of the world and suffered for no fucking reason than reacting to triggers, toxic people and shit I've made up in my head.   


Ironically? The biggest fuck ups was during college, when I discovered I was ill. Knowing I had BPD made my BPD WAY worse. And I still can't process the last few years that well: Particularly all the missed opportunities that I knew I would take if I wasn't either procrastinating or overly anxious, my off-decisions and reckless spending, and of course, most painfully, my lost relationships. While recovery simply means that I m no longer constantly feel like I'm in danger and most likely can control myself so I don't create more problems in the future, it doesn't remove my past—if anything, controlling my emotions also removes my highs that I use to cope with my past.   


I don't know what to do anymore. Is this life? This mundane, emotion-controlled schedule is the reward of recovery: a "normal" life? Maybe I sound bitter and ungrateful, but this was not worth the turmoil I went through in college with a damaged reputation and lost time. Of course, this can easily spiral down to depression, which leads to roller coaster, so I'm trying to find answers that can change my mindset. Can someone give me some thoughts and help me out of this?   


Tldr: I have BPD and am finally facing recovery after much turmoil in college. Cannot go back but do not feel the new, emotion-controlled life is worth all the pain I went through. Need guidance in how to cope with the new life.