ive never been any good at maintaining friendships, obviously im here. the two friends i made during my adult life (at college due to common interests) have turned out to disappear out my life, it was a joint effort, but really i wanted to stop being friends with them for my own reasons (they both showed bad morals to me and i can’t blindly stick up for them). 

so ive been on bumble bff for.... over a year, trying to make any sort of connection. in my profile i say that im just looking for cool girls to talk to, i am not costuming, but not oversharing either. i am upfront with my lack of support in life, and that i am craving some sort of normality. i include some of my interests and my ideal “bff date”. its not working for whatever reason, ive had a lot of small talk convos that always end after a day. i will say that its half my fault, i never put in much effort into my convos, but i want to be past the convo stage, i just want friends.

everywhere i look, girls hang out together. at the mall they shop and try on clothes together, they go for drives to the beach, and share coffee and treats. having one extra person on your team who is with you no matter what. why can i never be involved? is it completely selfish for me to want a life like this? where i can have my boyfriend relationship and also a girl or girl group friendship that i share my life with?

a lot of my problems right now are stemming from the fact i feel sooooo incredibly alone. if im not with my FP (bf) im by myself, which i like to a certain extent. but me and him got into it the other day, and during my hindsight apologies, i always say that my life would be so much better if i had friends. i truly think i would be happier. he disagrees and thinks i would be the exact same. i ended up leaving the night feeling incredibly selfish and greedy.

i dont know if this is a common problem for people with bpd. but if you have anything to add please comment or message. i really really love talking to people no matter how trivial it may be, which is further contributing to the fact i think its so selfish for me to be even writing this. idk help.