I’m sitting in my car in a parking lot sobbing. I just couldn’t stop the thoughts that he was going to leave me for some other woman. They never stopped.

I met him a few years ago and he was the best I ever had in every way.  I just never felt good enough and would accuse him of talking to other women behind my back and I believed it sometimes, sometimes not. 

I hung on with these fears for awhile before I started coping by talking to men behind his back to ease the pain I would feel. It made me feel alive and not so scared at him potentially leaving me. The pain of him leaving me for someone else was easier to deal with when I had men pay me attention, like I wasn’t a worthless piece of shit 

I had a really bad split recently where I felt I had fallen for his lies because I really thought he was with other women. I suddenly stopped hearing from him and lost my shit. I sent him shitty txts and voicemails. No response. I fucked him up in ways I don’t want to admit. Anything to stop the pain. It just wouldn’t fucking stop.  I made one of the men I’d flirt with my bf and moved him in with me. It all hurt a little less. Like this guy loved me and fuck him for leaving me. 

I just found out he wasn’t with women, he didn’t leave me for someone, he had been in the hospital and that’s why I hadn’t heard from him.  When he got out he heard my voicemaiks, texts, and saw I was with someone new.  So he never contacted me again. I know I deserve it but I can’t stop feeling angry at him still, like he left me

Now I’m just sobbing in my car. What the hell have I done.