I am unable to manage my depression and anxiety now. It's way out of control. I have always the the lone person. I have friends but I don't share anything with anyone. If any of my friends knew what goes in my head, they'd probably be too scared. I have had anxiety since my father's death. It's his death anniversary today, its been 17 years. I have had anxiety for more than half of my life.

Education about psychological illnesses is rare and its still a stigma here. I learned what i have is anxiety and my random breathlessness followed by everything slowing down is not an asthma attack but a panic attack when I was 22. Iron man 3 helped me identify it. The scene where Tony has a panic attack after a kid wants his autograph. I saw that and I was like, hmmm this feels awfully familiar. I asked a friend psychologist who said yeah that's a panic attack and she knew i had anxiety, she thought I knew because I was managing it well. She told me some breathing exercises which helped.

After my father's death, i was my mom's care taker. I have an elder sister but she was least interested. Since I was 12 I looked after her. I knew her medications and everything. I liked doing it. I was the person my mom shared her troubles with. It fucked with me cause we didn't have a lack troubles. 

I was always inquisitive and creative. I wish i could go back to being 10 or 11. Didn't have the care in the world, watching power rangers and playing.

My relationship with my mom was toxic at worst. We loved each other but we did not agree with many things. She passed away in November last year.

I was always alone, i am not a great company tbh. I'd avoid me. I liked being alone, but I am now lonely. I hate this feeling. I always knew I'd end up alone, who in thier right mind would put up with me. They shouldn't. No one deserves a fucked up person like me. But I don't want to be alone. I have no one now. I don't think I can keep feeling like this for long. I'll break.

Sorry for wasting your time. I hope no one feels like I do.