whenever i get the slightest notion that i am in danger of being harmed, physically or mentally, the entire world goes red. I lose sense of myself and everything around me and lash out in an uncontrollable explosion of anger that seems to come from out of nowhere. when the dust settles and jiminy cricket comes back out of hiding, i find myself more wounded from the consequences of my impulsive and violent actions than I would have ever been if i had just sat there and tried to weather the oncoming, imagined or not, storm with a level head. 

this behaviour has gotten me kicked out of my house multiple times as a teenager, as well as recent years (i am 30), and has landed me in jail as an adult. I was ordered by the court to take anger management classes and have even commited myself to taking meds (seroquel) and seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, but even though i am taking the steps i think I need to reverse whatever damage has been done to me, I still lose myself... whatever that even means, since i dont even know what I am other than an empty shell whose sole purpose is to fuck shit up regardless of intentions.

when i am not at the mercy of my devils, it is quite easy to see that i am self-destructive and abusive and should never ever cause harm to myself or others regardless of the situation, but all of that conveniently disappears as soon as my fight or flight response is triggered and i am sick of being this way. so sick that i often convince myself that the world and my loved ones are better off without me, and distance myself from them, even though they tell me that doing so is making them hurt even worse.

how do you cope with this? i have tried suicide, but my survival instinct won't allow me to succeed at it. I tried drugs, both illicit and prescribed, but all that does is turn me into a fiend. I go to therapy but everything my therapist has taught me flies out the window when i am triggered.

...am I not trying hard as hard as I think I am?
...am i forever going to be stuck in this vicious cycle?

am I cursed?
