I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and honestly the only time I can relax my mind is when I think of not being alive tomorrow. How all my pain, depression, anxiety and guilt would cease to exist. I don’t want to live but I don’t really want to die because I just turned 19 and I know I have time to fix myself. I tried opening up to my dad but the only thing I could get out was that I was feeling down and I don’t feel like myself. I was just vague with it and the most I told him was that I was having trouble focusing and having conversation but it is so much more. He set me up with a psychiatrist that I’m seeing next week. 

My dad thinks I have friends and people to talk to but I don’t because I get anxious asf in social situations and it’s hard for me to build relationships with people. My constant anxiety is something he has no clue about either. It’s been tough lately because I’m at Uni and can’t get anything done because I can’t focus, am constantly tired and have intrusive thoughts. I don’t know how to cope because the depression and suicidal thoughts get worse daily. I lost my mom to suicide and have always had guilt for it. 

How do I come out with the truth. I’m living away from home and my dad has the impression I’m doing alright, but I’m not. I feel like I owe it to him to let him know but then again why have him worry when I could just tell a therapist. Im alone 24/7 and am close to using drugs to cope with everything. I feel like if I tell about my suicidal thoughts I’ll get sent to a mental hospital or some shit. I need advice desperately