My OCD started to get really bad in 2020, after I tried to taper off my medicine (I’m back on now, but it’s not the same). Mainly rumination focused, based around Real event OCD, Hocd or Pocd. Another big aspect of my OCD involves seeking reassurance and confessing mistakes or thoughts. One thing I constantly ruminated about since 2020, is what if when I have a relationship and I confess all my previous mistakes I made as a child, or things I thought were mistakes, or just certain thoughts I’ve had and don’t like having-  and what if I confess these things and they don’t accept me for them. What if they think I’m crazy or messed up. 

Well, in January I met a girl on a dating site (after months and months of online dating with no success). We’re both 22 years old and honestly we seemed like we were kind of the same person, just different genders. It was great. She was so kind, beautiful, empathetic, had a similar sense of fucked up humor, and I really couldn’t believe we had matched with each other (or, that she had liked me back). I should also mention this is my first relationship. I felt like a relationship was really missing in my life, and it’s something that I really wanted- even though I was so scared of rejection. 

Well, about a month into dating, I did what I had been ruminating about for years. Told her all these things that were weighing me down and that I felt so much shame for. She didn’t bat an eyelash. She held my hand, hugged me, and told me she was there for me. After that, these thoughts and things I felt shame over for years, slowly started to fade away. 

But surprise, surprise. My past ruminations were replaced with new ones, and ROCD (relationship OCD)  began to really take over. I began to question things such as, “how do I know if I actually love her”, “how do I know that she is the right one,” “maybe I could be with someone whose more my type”, “what if I’m loosing attraction or not attracted to her enough” and “what if I still have feeling from a previous crush.” I analyzed these things, tried to dissect them and figure out what was true and what wasn’t true, or how true or untrue something was. I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, but it was so hard to stop. I would also tell her about these thoughts, cause if I didn’t I felt like I was hiding something. She was so great when I told her those things, but she shouldn’t have had to hear it. This sort of transitioned into me focusing on all of her “flaws” and superficial aspects, sort of like perfectionism, which is where I am at right now. The only good aspect of the transition to physical features, is that I don’t really question my love for her anymore. I know that I love and care about her a lot. Focusing on superficial things, makes me sound like not a great person, but Its just what I’m dealing with. Like one time, we were talking and I noticed that her face looked wide, and that sort of triggered negative thoughts and whatnot, and that made me distance myself emotionally for the rest of the day. Like in the back of my head I’m thinking about breaking up. And then she can usually tell when somethings wrong, and then I usually end up confessing. Which isn’t nice for her. Reassurance seeking, such as looking at photos when she was skinnier or thinking that she could always lose some weight, makes me feel better ROCD wise. Yet, at the same time, I feel like an awful person, having just typed that. 

She says I am the best she’s ever had and she wants to marry me one day, but I know my ocd and things I’ve said have just made her feel insecure. I know that I need to stop myself from doing saying these things, even if she asks what’s wrong or what the thought I’m having is, but Its hard for me to stop and still function and act normally around her. Why am I so drawn in to these physical “flaws” instead of in the moment realizing how lucky I am to have someone like her. Like, okay, maybe physically she isn’t my perfect type, but so what? She is so sweet, and kind, and a great person. I can type it, but why can’t I internalize it enough for it to make a difference?

I have almost broken up with her twice, because of how depressed these thoughts make me feel, but when the conversation starts becoming more emotional and “real”, I feel this sense of panic, that I cannot lose this relationship because of how important she is to me, and we do not break up. She doesn’t want to lose the relationship either, but I'm not in a good place mentally and whenever I draw myself out of that place, I fall right back in after a few days. A lot of times when this happens, I find myself distancing myself from her. She has said before, that she feels like she’s chasing me. I have what I’ve always wanted. Someone who loves me for who I am and cares for me so much. I should be happy, but I feel as though my OCD (and depression which I think is caused by the OCD) will never let me be.

I’ve met with multiple OCD specialists who teach and practice ERP and rumination focused ERP, and I’ve been on a lot of different medications. I know there’s always hope, but I’m truly at a low point right now. I just want to be happy.

I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, GAD, and Depression. I believe most of my depression stems from my OCD. It does cause passive suicidal ideations.