I’ve spent over half my life with BPD now. I’m sick of the cycle. Sick of investing so much time and energy into trying to fix these things broken within me from years of trauma and abuse. All I’ve gained is self awareness and that’s basically just torture, seeing all your patterns and having the intellectual ability to see things as self sabotaging or destructive but lacking the power to convert those things into something more positive or healthy.

Trying and failing. Trying and being hurt. Trying and being abandoned. Trying and failing again.

It doesn’t help when you’re alone. When no one understands. When your friends tell you that you don’t have any real problems to be upset about. They mean well. But they don’t understand.

I don’t have any fight left in me. I just want the strength to end it. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.