So I (21F) suffer from "quiet" BPD and I often repress and avoid conflicts at all costs and act as an ultimate appeaser, whereas my former friend (20M) tends to be more aggressive and sadistic. We have been friends for 3 years on and off, and it began in our first year of uni, in which after a few months of friendship he had sex with me while I was drunk and then ghosted me completely, only to apologize and come back into my life a bit less than a year later, which I, of course, forgave him immediately despite the knowledge that he had hurt me deeply. We then had sex again at the beginning of this school year when I was drunk to the point of being nearly incoherent, which was extremely traumatizing for me, but yet again I forgave him and appeased him, partially as a self-harm tactic because I am very aware of how negatively he affects me, and it allows me to be a victim and garner sympathy from my friends when I discuss him. I also continued to be friends with him, despite his many upsetting actions, because he is extremely suicidal and addicted to drugs, and heavily relies on me for emotional support. It is basically a relationship in which we are both using each other: I use him to make myself feel wanted and validated while also hurting myself, and he uses me for unconditional emotional support (and sex once in a while). 

The last time I saw him about a week ago, he called me at around midnight to tell me he was going to kill himself, and then hung up on me and stopped answering my texts and calls. He only lives about five minutes away from me, so I ran to his house and banged on his door until he answered. He had not been attempting anything, he had been trying to sleep. The fact that I showed up at his house enraged him, and he repeatedly swore at me, insulted me, and continued to go back and forth between telling me to leave, and then threatening to kill himself if I did. I had experienced all of this from him before, but it crossed the line into dangerous territory for me when he sat on my back and attempted to tape my hands behind me. Previous to this he had repeatedly attempted to slap and choke me (in a sexualized context, in his mind) which I had repeatedly rejected. I have tried to make it very clear to him multiple times that I am not interested in having sex with him again despite his attempts. I was very proud of myself for this, as the temptation to do something so impulsive and destructive was constantly on my mind. He refused to let me go despite my struggling and continued to try to tape my hands until I managed to push him off the couch and onto the floor, at which point he became angry and yelling again, and gaslighted me by saying he was just 'joking around' and that he wouldn't have done anything sexual to me. After this, he forced me to leave his house and walk home at around 4:30am.

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I have been trying my best to ignore his messages ever since. It's been extremely difficult for me, and I have replied a few times with brief messages when he accused me of 'hating' him, but I have otherwise been distant and cold. It is causing me so much pain. I feel guilty for abandoning him. I can't tell if I miss him, or if I miss the feeling of hurting myself by being with him. I want to desperately to reach out to him, but I'm trying my best not to. Advice? Similar situations? Regardless, it felt good to finally get this out.