Naturally, I wouldn't blame them. I hate the hell out of me, too. I hate my irrational emotions. I make everyone feel like they beat me to a pulp and emotionally abuse me because I get so fearful that I shut down and get irrational, crazy, unstable thoughts about how so-and-so doesn't love me anymore and they're going to leave me. I know I make everyone around me feel like an awful, guilty person because I'm constantly unintentionally victimizing myself with this crazy insane fear of abandonment and rejection and I loathe it. I want to know how to be able to tell myself that the feelings I feel aren't real, but how? How could you possibly convince someone that the things that are so constricting, their own emotions that race through their core, are totally false? How do you tell someone that their emotions are lying to them? I don't understand. 

Honestly, I don't know how anyone can deal with me. I feel like eventually my BPD will drive everyone away which makes my fears worse which make the entire situation worse because it's all confirming my initial feelings. I'm amazed by how people can love someone with BPD, because as a victim of the disorder, I sure as hell don't see how anyone could look past it. BPD is a monster that inadvertently, although temporarily, turns those ailed with it into fucking vessels to abuse with it's awful symptoms. 

I know it shouldn't, but BPD makes me hate myself. I hate how it affects me. I hate how it makes me so damn dysfunctional. I feel like without it I might be able to be able to work normally, even successfully in the real world. Hell, I'd probably thrive.  