When I was chronically depressed, I often wondered what my future self would say to me. As it turns out, it's very different than I would have anticipated.

For one, if I went back in time, I would be a lot less critical than my past self envisioned. Not in some toxically positive, bullshit kind of way. Instead, I'm just no longer ashamed.

I'm not ashamed I was depressed. I'm not ashamed that I went to the psych ward due to suicidal thoughts. And I don't feel like a failure for dropping out of college when I had that depressive episode.

At the same time, I don't sugar coat how terrible the depression was. I would literally rather get a type of cancer with a relatively high survival rate than relapse into depression. If I went back in time, I would be direct and straightforward about the difficulty I faced.

I wish I had been more empathetic yet firm towards myself in the past. I knew my feelings of shame weren't an objective way of looking at things. So, I would counteract those negative thoughts with positive ones — which were equally not objective. These mind games put me in a terrible headspace.

Therapy only seemed to continue this cycle of wishful thinking. That said, if I had a talented therapist who was a better fit, it would have been different. I'd definitely tell myself to be very picky about which therapist I worked with. Do as many consultation appointments as it takes and after each one you're not satisfied with, let the therapist know you're looking for a more natural fit. Ask to be referred to someone they think would work.

I didn't have high standards for a therapist and psychiatrist because I felt I was burdening the system. Now, I wish I had taken advantage of the resources that were available to me. I view my hesitation as a byproduct of my low self esteem due to depression. I understood that not everyone was privileged enough to access mental healthcare and (wrongly) felt I'd be helping others by holding off on getting help, or settling for care that didn't fully work for me.

Ultimately, medication was what helped me. It wasn't some miracle recovery. I went through several medications before I found one that worked with minimal side effects. I also got bloodwork done to rule out any vitamin deficiencies or thyroid issues that make depression harder to recover from before they're fixed.

Then, I began to have severe fatigue as a "residual" symptom of depression. I wasn't depressed, but I still overslept, I never felt rested, and my boss yelled at me to stop acting like I was always stoned. Not fun, especially when you're trying very hard to rebuild your life. So, I adjusted my medication regimen even more and finally landed on something that helped me be awake and focus.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share my experience. While I'm proud of my recovery, I'm in no way trying to promote myself. It's just interesting to consider what your future self might think of your life today. And, God forbid I struggle with depression in the future, maybe I can look back at this and see what I still agree with.