This community seems supportive and, like many others here, I've no where else to turn. Here is my story.

At the age of 16, I was institutionalized for major depression (due to the death of my mother at 13), attempted suicide, self-harm, homicidal ideations (yes, you read right) and possible DID (dissociative identity disorder; I have one alter: female, named Evalyn). Two years later, I was admitted again for similar reasons. My second stay was much shorter, and also my last. 

Yet, somehow, some way, BPD slipped through their (the psychologists' and psychiatrists') fingers. I, most certainly, exhibit the following:

* "*a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation*" - self-explanatory 

* "*identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self*" - Hence, *dissociative identity disorder*

* "*impulsivity in at least two (2) areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating*" - I've nearly non-existent money management skills, once had five sex partners within weeks of each other (that might not be dictionary-definition promiscuous but it sure as hell felt like it to me), and I have constantly drive recklessly... just because (one part short fuse, one part adrenaline rush, one part no fucks given).

* "*emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)*" - My mood varies throughout the day. It's even unpredictable to *me* at this point. One second I'll be content, the next angry, the next aroused, the next depressed, the next indifferent and empty. It's... rather ridiculous.

* "*chronic feelings of emptiness*" - self-explanatory

* "*inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)*" - A trait I, no doubt, inherited from my mom. She would get angry and curse about life's smallest things (like a fork being put in the wrong slot in the silverware drawer), and now I'm the same way. 

* "*transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms*"- self-explanatory

I'll be turning 28 this year.

I haven't been medicated, or been in therapy, for the better part of a decade. It's not that I felt "cured". Life just settled down for a while. My *mind* settled down.

I can feel the fibers of my sanity (that is, if I've any left... hmm, I wonder if they have the ability regenerate?) slowly start to rip apart again. My "DID" episodes have been more and more frequent lately. Combine *that* with my recent discover of BPD, and you get... well, utter chaos I can imagine. Shit.