I'm able to keep a stable job and career (though I hate it and don't know what my passion is or what I really want to do in life), everybody likes me (though I will do the 'silent' treatment when I feel I'm slighted, and intensely love or hate people on the inside), I've had long-term relationships (married a decade, but fell apart because of frequent mood swings and an inability to show affection), and though I do abuse drugs, I haven't let it get out of control. On the outside it seems I might have an identity, but I have no values or goals, no hobbies, and often shift myself to become like the people around me. I'm only motivated to learn things or better myself if it's for the sake a girl.

Basically, only the people super super close to me believe me when I say I think I have BPD. My therapist doesn't. But I have insanely intense mood swings ranging from euphoria to suicidal depression at the slightest things. Especially in a relationship. A girl I don't even mesh with or like (except for an *intense* sexual attraction) doesn't want to be with me after we had a short fling without any sexual contact, and I've gone off the deep end for MONTHS. I didn't even want her around my friends because I felt like she wouldn't fit in; yet I idolize her in my head all the time. Just the thought of her with another guy tears my guts up and leaves a lump in my throat. It makes no sense at all. These feelings are fucking ridiculous and it's not right.

I feel like I'm suffering alone, and there's no DBT classes or therapists who specialize in DBT that take my insurance :( I'm doing CBT, but my current therapist is too positive and always tries to make it seem like things aren't *that* bad for me. She doesn't believe I have BPD at all. I understand I have low self-esteem and she's trying to help me with that, but I need something more, because I feel so stuck, alone, and have wanted to die just about every morning after this girl 'broke up' with me.

Makes no sense at all. What the hell do I do?!