Hey. I get a lot of suicidal thoughts but was always too scared to actually commit to it (i tried once, but didn't get too far because i hesitated half way through). The fear of my family walking in on me dead, or just the fear of dying as a whole. I'm a big over thinker. Every night, I talk to my friends and we get those midnight discussions. We talk about after life, what death is like, the universe in a billion years, just everything. I am a big space person, but I suffer from anxiety, depression and paranoia (used to have insomnia, learnt how to fix it with special help), so when I over think about these things, I get super addicted in the moment, then 3 hours later when I sleep, it's exhausting. I don't know what to do. I'm already seeing a therapist, I like her, but to be honest, it doesn't help. It honestly makes me feel more shitty about myself. Explaining all my problems and attempts to her, it reminds me of how much of a bad person I am. I'm so scared of my mind. My mind can do whatever it wants, whenever it wants. If I'm in the depression or suicidal thoughts mind, I stay up for hours just crying. I'm so weak. I need help. Even a "I believe in you." would help. I don't even know anymore. It's all so stressful. I used to argue and fight with my parents every. single. day. I stopped when I learnt how to control my anger. I'm now a more caring person, but I realized that I also feel weaker now, almost like letting out my anger made me feel better...? I don't wanna feel the anger though, the anger absolutely drained out my entire day every single time. I also over think about my future as well, so everyday, I worry about money, jobs, houses, everything. I'm so scared, I just want to live a nice peaceful life where I am already ready with money and no work. It sounds selfish, but I really just wanna live a happy life, I want the money to let me live in a nice house with somebody, and I want the money to do activities I love. Why does life have to be so cruel?

I used to be Christian (still debating whether I am or not), but I also believe in science, so it's super confusing. There's a lot of evidence that disproves the religions, and a lot of evidence that proves the religion, it's so hard I don't even know. If there is a God, why does he always make the good people miserable? Life just feels so unfair. I'm scared one day I'll just make it to my breaking point, and just end it all. So so so worried.

Just, someone, please help me. Anything. Please.