it's been months since i've been such a mess. i wasn't eating anything until i began to shake vigorously from the hunger, i was cutting and cutting even all over my fresh cuts until there was no space left, i plucked my hair until i had a very large spot on top of my head, i bit my nails off so much that there barely was any, and i pushed everybody away. but for some reason, i just got up one day and decided that maybe i won't be depressed anymore. and it's been a month of being clean of everything. i didn't cut for a month, bite my nails for 3 weeks, pluck my hair for 11 weeks, and i've tried to reconnect with every single one i've pushed away. i've relapsed at times and yet i was still trying. but why do i feel so dissatisfied? so empty? i'm getting better, right? why don't i feel like i'm actually getting better? why do i still want to kill myself so badly?