I've had my first few sessions of figuring out what my disorder could be.

My psychiatrist, one I was seeing 8 years ago for unrelated issues told me he was almost sure I had BPD. And after a session of questions and some tests he told me he could diagnose me or I could stay undiagnosed. 

This happened 7 or so months of therapy unrelated to bpd. It was the week after I'd been particularly upset over something I can't even remember. I usually just talked about regular life after discussing my sleep.

But now, I'm a mess. Have been for 4 years after a very bad break up. But I can't open up to anyone in person, not when I haven't known them for a while.

I know what happened. But I somehow blank out when they ask me what it is that I felt or why i think it was that I felt that way. And why I *think* I felt that way.

Honestly, all I felt was fear. Fear of losing my SO. Of losing the only person I'd ever trusted.

And now I remember that, it blocks out all other emotion. I can only feel that now. Nothing else.

I emailed them to see if it'd help to write things down when I remember them. Or if It'd be better to try to forget it and save remembering for therapy.

Hopefully I'll have a response in the morning.


The past few months were hard. I gave up most of my bad habits, literally all of my friends and decided I would fix myself.

I'm working out at home now and started studying ahead, so by the time I start in 2019 I can focus on social skills, my social life and projects instead of studying.

I'm eating healthy, get up on time, keep myself clean...

I had to drop my friends and will be moving away once I've got my diagnosis (again).

I'm improving, but even though I can now remember how I felt it's still nearly impossible to put into words.

Anyone here have tips? Or mind messaging me to talk about this to see if that will trigger anything in me?

I'm not suicidal or prone to self-harm, because I know it'll be gone in the morning. And this isn't something that makes me lash out. Whoever talks should be safe and won't trigger something that makes me hurt myself :).