I am in a relationship and we went through very hard time (most of the time because of me)in the past few years but have been doing slightly better as i am slowly learning to recognize/understand my emotions better. However he went to study abroad for a few months while I am staying home working. 
It’s really tough. And here is my problem. I am working in a bar. I have a good number of guys who have asked me out and flirted with me. I am not interested in them rationally speaking but it makes me feel special, and I even catch myself getting jealous if one of them flirts with other girls and in turn make sure to flirt with other guys in front of them. I don’t want anything to do with any of them because I love my SO and don’t want to loose him. But in the heat of the moment i just can’t control it. I like that these other people look at me, care for me, flirt with me, that I am “special” in their eyes... 

It’s really taking a mental toll on me. I feel like 2 different people in one body: the one that craves this affection, and the one that just want her SO and is not interested in other guys. In the moment I love the attention and affection,  but afterwards I hate myself and i the guys that flirt with me and I feel like hurting myself.

I know my SO would hate the idea of me enjoying other guys flirting with me, and would be worried about how far I would take it “in the heat of the moment” (nothing more than flirting has happened but I feel so little like myself in those moments that I am honestly scared of what could happen)

If anybody has gone through or is going through something similar and has advices to give me I’ll happily listen to them!