I don’t even know where to start. Over the last couple of years my depression has tanked extremely quick. I feel like I’m on death row as if I’m on a ticking countdown. Time passes by so quickly nowadays and each day is one day closer to when I have to move out. All the general effects of depression like demotivation, apathy, anxiety, etc where things I didn’t think could get worse but now it just feels amplified. When I say nothing motivates me I genuinely mean it.  Im a student in community college currently in my second year. Once I finish this year I’m expected to move out of my parents house in fall. The only thing is I have no actual motivation or career goals while doing college. And these last couple semesters my motivation has gotten so bad I ended up not doing any work and dropping my classes. I’m expected to sign up for summer classes but I keep on procrastinating and making excuses. I don’t have any career goals besides entertaining the idea of trying a trade.   Yet for some reason despite all the idealistic talk about getting my drivers license, getting my classes, or wanting to learn a trade some immovable force inside of me prevents me from taking action. It’s as if I’m a living corpse. I constantly make excuses and reassure my family and friends that I’m on track and doing well so that I can maintain this fruitless lifestyle because I have such little motivation. And I understand how selfish and lazy this sounds. And this fact makes me hate myself so much. I wish I could take action but I feel paralyzed under pressure when faced with commitment or action.  Earlier this year I attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital. After that I got help and participated in all the programs and graduated and got a therapist for the first time. Yet after that I slowly deteriorated again and then got even worse. At the current moment I don’t have a significant urge or plan to kill myself, however with my current and soon to be living situation it feels like an impending and unavoidable fate and as the time passes more and more it feels like I’m ruining my life and have no other options but death.   I feel like I don’t deserve the right to say I wish i could be better because I feel as if I lack the motivation or desire to be better. Despite the therapy and programs I never held ill will towards anyone and sincerely participated yet my mindset never really changed. I wish I could know why its hard for me to take even one step forward and commit. Despite my lack of productivity and darkening future I’m somehow content with  simply drowning like a anchor in the sea.