I've been like this my entire life. I find people who I think are "worthy" and I want to become like them. I want to live their lives, from the clothes they dress in, from the coffee they drink in the morning, from their belief systems and quirks. Any person that I feel is lovable and adored makes me want to be like them, as if somehow, adopting those traits will make me lovable. 

It's even with the most superficial things, like someone's work routine, clothing style, how they text, etc. It also manifests with deeper beliefs, like the way they see and process the world.

I never completely follow through on this "copying" but I still use the fantasy of it as a coping mechanism. But a few days in, I give up, because at the end of the day, I'm still me. An empty shell of a person, with no lovable identity, with a mind that is broken and a living hellscape of resentment, envy and shame.