My diagnosi' - Bipolar 1, GAD with panic attacks, and PTSD. I've been on so many meds, tried all manner of therapies, been hospitalized 20 or so odd times. 

Last December or January they decided to try bilateral ECT(electroconvulsive therapy) with ketamine(for a few but I was intolerant of it). I had 25 sessions, for reference a typical amount of sessions is 8-12. Bilateral electrode placement is the most damaging, and used for more severe cases. 

At first my memory and cognition were so damaged I could not follow a conversation because I would forget mid sentence what was going on. The doctors said it effected my memory atypically bad. I forgot years. 

Since then, I have improved a lot. I still don't remember last year very much, and just in general my memory is bad even from day to day. 

The ECT wasn't considered successful, there was talk of TMS but that didn't happen. More meds and hospitalization have happened since last January.

Anyway, So I feel like a different person. Memory is what makes you, you. Without a lot of my memory I just don't feel like this other me that I remember. I lost my desire to draw, and a good bit of my skill(which I went to college for and worked as a professional at before becoming disabled by my mental illness) I don't know who I am. My days are filled with nothingness. I have no desire like I used to, to create or really do anything. It leeds me down the road of not wanting to be here. I dunno. I just needed to put this somewhere. I feel profoundly lost. Maybe it's just another depressive episode coming on... 


(ECT works well for a lot of people. I met people in inpatient getting it and having success. I don't consider it a bad treatment)