I spent the last 2-3 hours crying in bed. My husband found me and tried to coax me into a better mood. He doesn't know the wave of self-loathing I'm laying under right now. How bad I just want to get drunk or high so I can stop feeling this way.

I recently quit my job for another. Failed the drug test cause there was still weed in my system after a couple months sober because I'm fat. I gained weight because I traded weed for beer. 

So now I'm not working. The burden of bills falls on this wonderful man who deserves better than me. And that terrifies him. I've applied over and over for this position I got certified for at the beginning of the year and the only fucking prospect came when a friend got me an interview. And I fucked it up cause there was still weed in my system. I could go back to my old job, but the idea of going back to the school system in the worst state in the country and being overworked/underappreciated fills me with dread. 

I can't seem to get my shit together. I just wanna die. My kids deserve better than me. My husband deserves better than me. I sit on my ass all day not making any fucking changes, praying for a solution. Nothing comes but more self-loathing and pathetic attempts at survival. All of which leave my poor family to carry the burden that is me. 

I was going to sneak out, buy some alcohol and sleeping pills and go to my favorite park when I was a kid. The thing that stopped me? I didn't have my ID and my usual cashier wasn't at the store. So here I sit. 

Wishing it would end so they could move on. Cause it doesn't feel like I'll ever be able to. 