I apologize for the length of this post in advance.

I (f31) started talking to my ex (m29) again, after we had a nasty falling out in which I use the mutual decision to terminate a pregnancy as a means to devalue him dramatically. He typically feeds off of my crave and I was giving a lot to him but I never felt as if it was reciprocated. It was almost if I was taking him to notice me, when he had been there all along. However he was also nasty to me and treated me like an obligation instead of a relationship. So I ended up writing him a letter saying how I thought he was immature and emotionally deaf, and he was never there. He became extremely angry and took it as an outright attack. Not only did he humiliate me by yelling at me on the sidewalk in our quiet neighborhood, but he also cut me off for a total of six months.

I had a nasty 6-month mental break down which resulted in me losing my job and pretty much not doing any coursework for 15 credits worth of classes. What’s more is that while he cut me off for what I percived to be permanently, I knew that it wasn’t. He would reach out and do things to gain my validation, like asked me what made him so special that he was so attached to him even though he was rejecting me. Only to put me down after he got the answer. At one point he even reached out to me, and when I asked to see him he said he just wants to “help me cope with him no longer being there”

it was one of the most humiliating things I had to deal with during my mental breakdown. It’s like he was seeking to rub me into the ground more. However I was still so desperately attached to him and eager to make things right. 

So when he offered to start a sexual relationship again, I jumped at the chance. Now, I worry that I may have put myself in a position to fall through that break down again. I see him sparingly, and we have discussed the terms of the relationship this time. He is dating multiple people, I am not, as I’m still scarred from what he did. I do speak to other time but nothing that I’m gonna pursue down the line.

 We sleep together at least once a week. He went from reaching out to me only for that purpose on that day, to reaching out a few days before that and two days after, and most recently for three days after which was shocking to me, because I really like routine. And I was getting used to him talking to me only two days after. This gave me a false sense of hope that he was reattaching but now I literally haven’t heard from him in nearly a week as of this Wednesday. I don’t want to impose on him. I did make a light request for more time from him and he said he would try. For a minute it seems like things are looking up and then this started happening. I feel like I’m literally on the brink of freaking out and crying and screaming. I have shut off my phone and I do not intend to use it for the rest of the week. I just don’t want to write anything to him really nasty, especially since I nearly split on him the other day and I was lucky to catch it in real time before I made the mistake. However I can’t help but feel like this whole thing was a bad idea to start over. I want so badly to wean myself off of him, I just don’t know how to begin. I don’t know how i’ll manage if I never hear from him, never see him smiling again, never making him laugh. But I also am tired of being an afterthought and I’m sick of the abuse of freedom has in our current relationship. it seem so logical and I knew that we have the perfect cell. But now I’m worried that I may have literally jeopardized all of my heart work and progress. 

Does anyone know how to cope for real? How do you start separate yourself from somebody who is abusing your status as an fp, especially if they are knowledgeable about how central they are to your life? I practice mindfulness, and I am well aware that this me the end. But I can’t help my feelings. Some advice would really be appreciated.

tl;dr: my toxic ex caused my mental breakdown lasting six months and I lost everything. but I’m sleeping with him again, and his behavior is putting me at risk for another one. How do I separate myself without breaking down over the loss of the relationship?