Not sure I am BPD but pretty sure I am, diagnosed with bipolar atm, but I have all the BPD symptoms too. Anyways, last night I was playing guitar and singing mostly nonsense shit on RPAN and having a weird manic phase. I re watched my video and saw what looked to me like a weird lifeless creature and I felt gross, so I deleted my account. I've been feeling gross and shamey all week. Been having intrusive thoughts really just fucking with my head, and my past coming back to haunt me with all the things I regret doing, just typical stuff.  I ended up staying up til 6 in the morning watching horror movies, to watch something worse outside of my head than what I was feeling in my own head, and then I watched skin.

This movie is so fucking strange, and gross, and honestly just made me feel worse. (cw sexual abuse) However, it has some really good tones about acceptance, and the way patriarchal culture sexualizes and objectifies bodies. That being said, it's pretty triggering, and made me resurface a lot of shame.

Anyways, after I watched it I butchered off all my hair and shaved off my eyebrows because beauty is a fucking weird thing and I hate the way beauty standards effect how I see others, including myself. I feel like my attraction to others is so dictated by unreachable beauty standards that prevent me from long lasting love and intimacy. It's complicated

&amp;#x200B;

\*edit\* also I'm not saying we should accept patriarchy, that shit is no good.