I’ve been dealing with so much at work and with the guy I’ve been seeing for the past 5 months and I still don’t know where we stand and I have very intense mixed emotions about him. 

Despite all of that, whenever I have a mental breakdown nothing occurs to me other than the painful memories my mother has done. And I still question myself what did I do wrong to be treated with so much hate since I was a kid. The most recent thing that causes me to break in tears within seconds, that I invited her to my university prom and she refused to come. The rejection feels like flaming fire in my heart. 

I still remember when the girls started looking for their moms after they stepped down the stage and I stood there with the most horrifying feeling I’ve ever felt as an adult, knowing that I’ll be alone. (I can’t stop crying) I kept looking for my sisters desperately and cried while hugging them cause I realized that no matter what boundaries I had created to avoid her abuse I still need her. And she keeps hurting and disappointing me. 

She has caused me so many issues and made me feel like a burden and unwanted my whole life, I remember when she hugged me for the first time that I have remembered, I wanted to throw up, I didn’t feel comfortable and I can’t ever touch her in an intimate way ever again. 

Whenever life gets tough on me the only pain I cry about is the pain she caused. 

( the reason why it’s because she’s super religious and she can’t be in a place whereas music is playing)