Hey y’all; can’t sleep, originally it was because of something else but now it’s because of…well, the title.
Long story short: Said favorite person - let’s call them XYZ - didn’t confront me about a breakdown I had over a fear of losing them (platonically, mind you) last april because they got a boyfriend and thought i’d be abandoned or forgotten. Gonna be honest, not my proudest moment. I still cringe thinking about that pre-diagnosed breakdown, and it didn’t help that that was when things got worse and felt like I was on eggshells because of it and being afraid to lose them over it.
But at the time, They acted like it was fine, and so I assumed things were fine right? That was until this march when they confronted me about my behavior, how clingy and draining I am, etc.
They waited eleven months to tell me this. AND on the week that I got officially diagnosed, which hurt even more; I shouldn’t let it hurt because they were right. 
I have them blocked and muted for my mental health; didn’t want to do it, but it got to the point where I had to hold myself back and use my techniques i’ve learnt to not lash out. At times I feel like I’m at peace, but then other times I break down and start hating myself for not catching things on sooner to save the friendship, and then to hating them for not doing this sooner. I switch between missing them and hating them, and it got to the point where last quarter on campus every time I saw them I just…got this urge to run away and hide. Like seeing them immediately activated my fight or flight. Not in a ‘ah jeez here comes this guy’ way, in a ‘they can’t see me if they do things will become WORSE and i’ll lose control or break down or they’ll laugh at me or’ way.
Do y’all get any thoughts about losing loved ones from BPD, diagnosed or undiagnosed at the time? Is there any way to help move on? It’s not like I think about them every day, but it’s moreso like any thought of the event or if them comes in and I immediately want to block it out of my head. It won’t help they’re sharing a course with me next quarter once i’m on campus; I’m just gonna be mature and act like they’re only another student like I am, but I know internally I’m gonna act up and have to hold back.