TW: Psychosis/Schizophrenia/Very long post 😂

I’m 22 and for about 2 years I’ve been dealing with schiz-ocd, after my bestfriend went through a psychotic episode and used to call me everyday telling me about things he was seeing/hearing in detail. After that I started Googling, researching all about schizophrenia. Every. Single. Symptom. Every phase of schizophrenia/psychosis. I did mental health assessments EVERYDAY. I saw multiple mental health docs at the hospital for them to check me out, convinced that something was happening to me, asked friends and family for reassurance etc. Oh and for the record I’ve been diagnosed with GAD since I was 16.

Anyway after that I had a really intense fear of auditory hallucinations. It’s not as bad now, but I still can’t sleep without music or the tv on because I’m scared that I might hear something. I used to think I would hear something and actively try and listen out, or hear something and then try and find the source of the sound. I’ve got to add that I’ve never actually heard anything.

I’m so scared that I may actually be dealing with something else. My fear has gotten to the point where I don’t even like to say the word schizophrenia, or see the word or anything associated with it. I only started using the word “crazy” again this year lol. I’ve had disgusting vivid intrusive thoughts and images of me doing the worst things; like all of a sudden just losing my mind and doing crazy things like running around naked or eating my own shit (TMI but I want to be raw and honest). All these thoughts make me incredibly anxious and leave me crying in bed for hours, feeling hopeless because I would NEVER do that. Any of it. But thought of me doing those things are so strong, that it feels like it’s a possibility. I hate that my brain is doing this to me.

I’m also so scared about visually hallucinating. When I was Googling I saw that people with psychosis can experience paredolia and then of course I started noticing/getting paredolia aka seeing faces in objects. I don’t hear much about this one but this is one of the scariest things I experience.  It’s gotten to the point where I feel like my mind is looking for faces in everything, especially in wood or tiles, even in the smallest of items or things. It’s horrible. It feels like now it happens automatically. 

Another thing is my brain interprets objects/things that I can’t make out clearly without looking at it (like a jacket on my chair folded in a weird way) in my peripheral, as an animal or a person or something silly like that. It’s like because my brain can’t make out what something is, so it ‘fills in the gaps’. I KNOW these objects aren’t actually people etc, my brain doesn’t even make it LOOK like a person or whatever. But it’s like my brain can’t fucking shake it off and it makes me anxious/uncomfortable. My brains like “Oh my God what is that in the corner of your eye?! That’s looks strange, l know it’s just your blanket but look! Shaped like that can look bit like a face or a person!” Then I’ll look at it and the moment I’ll look away I’ll feel anxious again. The only thing that makes me feel calm is rearranging my blanket or whatever it may be, till I feel like my brain can’t make it into something ‘scary’ when I see it in the corner of my eye. It makes me feel crazy. The best thing for me to compare it to, is as a kid you might have clothes on your chair look really scary at night but YOU KNOW it’s just clothes. I’ve never hallucinated in my life but I’m especially scared of visually hallucinating, so this makes it worse. My vision isn’t the best either, anxiety makes me so dizzy and makes my peripheral vision shake/move.  

Recently I’ve been fixated what paranoia is and whether I’m experiencing it. Now I’m focused on my thoughts, before it used to be “what if” etc etc, but today it’s more like “this is” etc like “that person is following you.” I nearly broke down crying over this today, I don’t think I’ve had a thought like that before and it freaked me out but it felt like I thought it on purpose. Especially because I didn’t think the person was actually following me. The other day I was walking to do my laundry and I saw two ladies standing by the building that gave me a dirty look (for no reason but whatever), I then I had an intrusive image of them coming into the laundry room to beat me up. The fact that I had such a thought terrifies me.

Even last night I was in and out of sleep and it was like I had a short dream or an image idk, it felt like it was a for second and I woke up; of me with my favourite celebrity. When I woke up I was freaked out because it felt like it was real, I knew it wasn’t but it felt like it. I went back to sleep and when I woke up this morning I was okay until I thought about it. I feel like my mind is trying to convince me that I did meet that celebrity because it ‘felt real’ but I know it’s impossible that I did. I feel so confused. It feels like there’s a blockage, I’m terrified that I’m developing psychosis. 

I get other things as well like intrusive thoughts but sometimes they feel like ‘urges’??? I get the random urge to scream or just go hysterical. I did try doing a mini scream once but I got so anxious after. Apart from that I’ve never acted on any urges/intrusive thoughts. I don’t want to do them but I don’t know, it’s like I get an urge or image in my head doing it and like I’m playing Russian roulette with myself. 

Sometimes I’m also really scared when I’m alone. I get this uncomfortable feeling that somethings behind me even though I know nothings there. It’s like I keep looking behind me and feel relief but then I have to keep checking. Most of the time I don’t get the feeling until I think about it (if that makes sense) or unless I’m extremely anxious. I’ve had this feeling since I was a child (age 7) and forced my parents to let me watch scary movies with them, like Chucky. After would I keep the door open while I was sleeping and would be scared something would come and ‘get me’. I would AND STILL  experience this fear that something will ‘get me’ and I still sleep with the light on as silly as it may sound. After this schiz/psychosis fear I’m worried that this is a sigh that I may develop psychosis.

Long winded is an understatement for this post, thanks anyone that’s read to the end. I’m so scared of what is/could be happening to my mind. I’ve had anxiety for years but this feels unrecognisable. I don’t even know if this is OCD or not and I feel so alone. I have a counsellor that I’ve told but she focuses more on my past, but she does tell me “you have GAD, nothing else.” If you’ve experienced anything I said or you think maybe I should see someone for anxiety/ocd or if you think this could be something else please say something.