

My life is no longer normal. I was never "normal" so to say, but something "different" has happened and it's something that wasn't of my concern until somewhat recently (approximately 3 months). I once developed an irrational fear of losing my memory until a month ago when the fear became unbearable, overwhelming, and frankly I think it's become morbid. It's scary. 

This is what I have experienced previously: I developed a new irrational fear of losing my memory. I went hysterical and thought I was forgetting the most simplest things from communicating, doing some tasks at work, and diligently and thoroughly doing my chores at the house. I went to the doctor and I was prescribed antidepressants after being diagnosed with OCD, Depression, and Bipolar Disorder, with some bouts of mania. (I should also note that I have ADHD).

This is what I have experienced lately, specifically a month ago: after these effects came and went, it came back for another long round during my family vacation.  I was having moments where there was no external stimuli that could snap me out of this trance. I was hard-focused on retaining my memory. I spent hours on end everyday looking up---get this---definitions of words. Words! Simple words! Hard words! Words I have heard of but never used and words I have used. I spent most of the time on the dictionary than I have payed attention to what was going on around me. Another thing I experienced, I couldn't talk or comprehend words or sentences. I couldn't read, I couldn't think. My mind was static. Everytime someone would talk to me I wasn't able to use my words. I was zombified. 

This is what I am currently going through: 2 days ago I wasted my valued time. Again i went back on Google and I was searching up words on the dictionary. I'm being sincere, I think I have forgotten how to use and understand certain words. I can't communicate anymore, not without a trusty phone in hand where I can look up the definition of the most simplest words. I was worried that I couldn't have a conversation without the use of 3rd grade level words, I try to speak like someone I am not, like some sort of poet or public speaker. Now I can't ever talk or write normally. I currently have over 2000 screenshots of definitions of words. Some are duplicate screenshots. Some of the words I already know but it's like I don't even trust my brain to remember and some are words I have heard but I genuinely don't know the meaning to but it's so embracing to have to look up the meaning of a word everyone else knows but you don't. I also feel shameful, ignorant, and stupid that I have to look up the meaning of a word before I write, read, hear, or say it. I have forgotten how to use advanced words and now I can't remember how to use the simplest of ones. I'm never gonna get over this triumphantly, and nothing can keep my mind off of it. I can't even watch a movie, play a video game, or listen to music without---you guessed. I just recently bought some comic books and I'm too scared to even read because I worry that won't get to enjoy it because I feel like I lost the ability to understand the meaning of words. Everytime I'm awake I tirelessly spend time online with Google dictionary, and when I rest I dread awakening from my slumber because I know I'm just going to mope all day and do my thing all night.

I'm so tired. I'm so depressed. I don't have the vigor to persevere or withstand this any longer. This is honestly anguishing. Hopefully I can see a psychiatrist and learn to cope with this. If I can't, I have no idea what I will do. Right now I feel like throwing in the towel and submit or accept defeat and just rot in my corner after I sob and grieve because I feel like I have succumbed to my struggle and vanity. 

I'm scared. Am I truly going insane? Can this be reversed? Am I deprived of cognitive stimulation? Or maybe this is a sign that my brain really withering and ebbing away? 

I'm scared.