I need to complain somewhere. I apologise for the vent. 

So I am a control freak, which is a very bad trait( I know), and I feel like I have no control over my life and I fear I might soon develop some unhealthy ways of coping. 

First of all I have been going’s bit up and very down lately which sucks a lot.    
I also had my tonsils removed a week ago which turned out to hurt a lot more than I expected so I have to use pretty strong painkillers and I don’t feel strong enough to do anything productive yet.    

Furthermore I had a big exam not too long ago which I studied very hard for and I don’t know yet if I passed or not. Which is very frustrating.    

Because of my tonsils I haven’t able to study much of the new semester and I feel so behind and it stresses the f out of me and I’m scared I’m not gonna pass my summer exams.    

We are also currently renovating our apartment for the better, and I’m stoked about it, but I’m getting really sick of living in a mess and we’re not even close to done.    

My childhood pet cat, which is now 15, might be starting to get sick, she needs to go to the vet and I’m already sad and worried she might have to be put down and that will leave me heartbroken.    

My grandpa has been very sick for a long time and is just getting worse and worse. And I just now that someday I will get the call that he passed and I can’t even handle thinking about it.    

I’m not suicidal yet, but I have the constant urge to self harm, luckily I haven’t done it yet, but I’ve done it in the past and I “miss” it. My psychiatrist also once told me that I have to be careful with how I think of food because he fear I might develop an eating disorder and I’ve gotta admit I sometimes also feel close. I’ve also thought about drinking, smoking, during drug, just anything to feel to be some sort of in control of an aspect of my life. I really just wanna scream from frustration.    

Thank you for reading my rant. Stay safe everyone.