I am so fucking exhausted from having to spend every day of my life pretending that I don’t get mad, don’t get jealous, don’t feel spiteful or envious or vengeful or any other negative emotion. Like, there’s this wave of thought that treats feeling anger or jealousy (particularly woman-on-woman anger/jealousy) as this horrible, unforgivable flaw that renders you a bad person. I don’t know if anyone else has felt it, but it seems like expressing any feelings of jealousy or anger whatsoever are met with hostility and the idea that being influenced by negative emotions whatsoever is this scandalous toxic trait.

It just doesn’t seem fair, like, at all. I would hope those feelings are normal human experiences. And there’s always that line of “you can feel it, just don’t act on it,” but that feels dismissive too. Like, okay, you can’t kill someone out of jealousy, but I’m not wanting to do that anyway. I literally just want to be able to vent to a friend when someone who treated me badly has something good happen to them without being told that I’m being overly dramatic and unfair. Like, what is the fucking point of friendship if you can’t hyperbolically vent sometimes?

Like, I am just so fucking tired of feeling like a monster for normal human emotions. But I simply cannot express them. And now, as icing on the cake, everyone thinks I’m completely better anyway and mentally well because I’ve learned to just shut the fuck up about negative feelings. But like! I just internalize them all day everyday and feel alone. Or it spills out randomly in a way less healthy way because I’m being forced to keep quiet 9/10 times.

Just UGH.