The way i was raised is that no matter how much someone loves you, they will leave you if you arent good enough. An incident during college proved this to me as essentially my parents gave up on me. No matter how much i tell myself their worldview is wrong and messed up, the things they did to me every time i failed seem to keep reminding me maybe they are right.

Im (M31) married and have my own house. Got my college degree but have not been able to find a job that takes advantage of it. Im a manager at a call center. For all intent and purposes I have a near perfect life. But its because of that i feel so much guilt.Whether it is how much money i make, or my personal opinions of my personality, im always afraid everyone i love will leave me. Like im not good enough or deserving enough to have this life. The pressure of trying to prove to myself im worthy has reached a point I no longer want connections any more. Ive told my friends and even my wife I no longer want any of them in my life. My mind is so screwed up the burden of proving myself worthy of having loved ones has become too much to handle and I'd rather be alone.

How can I go against my conditioning and learn to live for myself?