Well I (43m) have been going round and round up and down for as long as I can remember.  Married 20 years, kids, etc...  My marriage is one sided, hers.  I have NEVER been able to express my feelings to her, for fear of it being flipped back on me, or making her feel bad, and I console her....  Any small thing can turn into a dump truck session of all I've done wrong.  Saying sorry isn't enough, begging forgiveness doesn't work...  The names and contempt, condemnation, and disgust she throws my way, and then blames me for all of it.  I feel like ahit most of the time, hate myself, never can do right.  Just started in a career I've been trying for for years, and it was important for a day or so to hear about, now it's just noise to her.  She feel my work just takes me away from what I could be doing at home with her and kids.  I don't work crazy hours, normal 40-45 hrs a week and ALL the rest of my time is at home.  I have no friends, I never do anything for myself.  Last time I tried to go working on the car for an hour, without prior planning it with her, turned out to be me being selfish and only caring about me.  I hate myself, I hate what and who I am, i am never good enough no matter what I do.  I am no saint, but damn-it, I'm not a jackass either, no matter how much I tell myself that I just don't believe it anymore.  I am every name she calls me, ever condemnation, insult, put down, Rios my heart out, and after all that shit, I am supposed to make it up to her and win her back....  What the F@$k....  Thoughts if suicide rein ing my mind daily, as it really seems the only hope out without making everything worse (as in have a car "accident" on my nice drive home on the interstate....  Who knows maybe some day I'll grow the balls to actually do it.