two months ago, I lashed out at my closest friends and tried to guilt them out of doing something bc it triggered my own weird OCD-esque symptoms. that wasn't okay of me. I know that. I reached out to both of them privately and apologized for my behavior, because I figure that's the adult and grown-up thing to do when you hurt somebody you love. my mental illness isn't an excuse, etc etc etc. I know that.

they both accepted my apology and said they'd like to move forward, which was nice! it was hopeful! but I guess moving forward means something different than I thought it did, bc I honestly thought that meant trying to go back to normal. we've been friends for like, 3-4 years now, and this is probably only the second big thing that's happened. first time was somebody else's feelings getting hurt and everybody playing a role in that; I apologized then too, publicly when everyone else was and privately as well, and I've tried to change my behavior. but at any rate, it took me way too long to figure out that "moving forward" doesn't mean going back to the way things were. I guess you can't really do that, and that's fair. I misunderstood. one of them told me I was being too overly familiar and making her uncomfortable; I apologized, told her I misunderstood, and tried to change my behavior. admittedly I feel like I've been walking on eggshells around her bc I wasn't sure what counted as overly familiar and what didn't. but yesterday she cut any references to our friendship out of her blog and it's just kind of felt like a last straw.

I've *been* trying to make amends and act the way I'm supposed to in order to earn forgiveness and not hurt them again, but all I've been getting in response is lukewarm behavior, if even that. mostly just ignoring. I recognize how much I hurt them in the first place and I refuse to downplay how much I did, but I can't help but feel like I'm the only one who's been trying. it's great when they say they accept my apology and want to move forward, but where has their action been? were they ever trying? did they ever care about me at all? I've been trying so hard to make amends, but I can't help but feel as though it's been very one-sided.

so now I'm at this point where I'm just considering cutting them off completely. can't decide if that's the BPD talking, telling me I'm abandoned anyway and I might as well run, or if that's just the best option that an adult (tm) can do in this scenario. I think they're great people and I genuinely love them a lot, they've been my best friends for years, and I don't really fault them for feeling uncomfortable around me after what I did. what does an adult do in this scenario? do they stay and keep trying? or do they cut their losses and go?

if you've read all of this, bless your heart and ty for listening to the angst and whining (tm)