I just don't know what to do. For some background, I was diagnosed with chronic depression+general anxiety stuff in my early/mid teens. Tried a couple medications till I found some that worked for a while. Turns out a large portion of my depression came from gender dysphoria. Started transitioning. After a while, tried some psychs and stopped antidepressants (this is NOT an endorsement of that) and got long term relief from my depressive symptoms, save for mood swings from pms/pmdd. I had a newfound appreciation for life, I felt very good about the progress of my transition, etc. All's well, until recently.

I'm starting to have really really bad stress and sadness about how my transition is going. It seems to be going at a good rate, but now I'm worried about potential symptoms I'm getting that lead me to think hrt (specifically my blockers) might be harming my liver. Because of this I keep coming to thought loops of what happens if I have to stop. What if I can't use hormones anymore. It's just fucking over then, isn't it? Do I really have to choose slowly killing myself just to live in a body that doesn't make me wanna do so faster?

I'm starting to slip back into a habit I thought I conquered, a habit of dissociating from everything, of losing my motivation, of wanting to just, stop existing. Lock my brain up. Curl up in a ball and feel nothing. I went through so much self discovery. I made strides away from this bullshit so far I thought I'd never have to feel this way again. I've still retained my love of life, and nature, and the people and experiences special to me, but it's getting drained slowly by this worry. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to regress from feeling fucking CURED of depression, but regardless I feel myself slipping.