I'm so tired of trying to win this loosing battle and I'm beyond reaching out to friends and family so instead I'll scream into the void of the internet to just get a few of my thoughts somewhere hoping that thought of someone seeing them will relieve some anxiety.

I keep thinking about how easy it would be to jump in front of my morning train.

I'm 20 years old, very dyslexic and ADHD, been on fluoxetine since I was 17, in university and yet I feel like I haven't lived at all, I've never had a job, a relationship, I've never really been looked up to in any form of social group. Yet these aren't the things that I feel like I'm missing out on. I feel as though I'm coaxing through life without any passion or direction. I'm studying Computer Science but before I went to uni the most coding I'd ever done was changing the firmware on my Ender 3. I feel like everything I do, I do because I "should" not because I want to. The idea of just not existing is far more appealing than trying with all my might to live a happy, fulfilling and genuinely meaningful life because the uncertainty of what might happen if I do try and it doesn't work out. I don't necessarily feel unhappy all a lot of the time, I just don't really feel anything, I'm so unmotivated to do anything, I'm so tired all the time.

I've really struggled with this first year of uni, the only time one of my peers has spoken to me was to ask if a vending machine took apple pay. I have gotten involved in some societies and met some really chill people but no proper friendships have been established yet. I wish I could find some people who I really connect with who are studying something similar. I put off all my assignments till the last minute and to make matters worse I caught covid around the deadline time so I had to request some extensions and as a result I'll likely fail one, pass another and get a referral on another. Now I'm down to my last assignment from last year and I feel so hopeless at the moment. I'm terrified that they'll kick me off the course but at the same time I can hardly muster the effort to do anything about it. I just want so badly to not be here but I have to do something. I haven't had a breakdown this bad since college. I'm just so tired and I wish I could start again.