My dad, dead.
My mom, dementia.
Im alone.
Im over 30 and have had depression for over 20 years.

These past weeks, maybe a month and a half? - I have been mostly in bed.
I am awake 5h at most, the rest I sleep, in and out of consciousness.
I have dreams, most where I live another life, surrounded by people who show care and love, I have fun, im on adventures, it feels real.
In some dreams I meet my dad, and I always end them telling him he is dead. Until then I have care and love, we go buy icecream or on a drive.
Then it ends in tears and panic.
In some dreams I dream about my mom being completely gone into the fog, not even remembering me anymore, where she does not speak, she shows nothing in terms of emotions to me; except bitterness.

I wake up feeling this weight, like I am suffocating under a mountain.
I cry and have a hard time breathing.
Then I pray for sleep again, with a better dream...

Life is not for me. Never was.
Only good light I have is my cats.
I just am awake to play with them, feed them, fix their litter boxes, hug them.
They like sleeping on me.

Besides that; its like I live on death row in isolation... built by myself and the cold reality around me.