TW: drugs

I thought I managed all this. I'm 21 now, started having intense anxiety and depression at age 12. Didn't get therapy/diagnosed until 18, didn't get on meds until 20. I thought I had it all under control. I thought this was over.

Today I went out to breakfast with three girls I don't know that well. This would've been unthinkable for me until about a year or two ago. So, good for me. But I'm regressing, because the way I felt after that perfectly normal breakfast was how I used to feel after social events. Like I want to throw up. Like I never want to speak to anyone again, like I want to cry, so convinced they hate me with no reason to be. So convinced they only hung out with me because I have a car. The breakfast was really fun, except... I feel sick. Scared.

My closest friend here hasn't been responding to my texts offering to hang out. I disagreed with someone in class the other day and I'm worried that the person I disagreed with is going around saying bad things about me (even though that would be an insane thing to do). I'm worried another one of my best friends thinks I'm using her. I'm worried my favorite professor hates me. I'm worried everyone hates me. I logically know they *probably* don't, but *probably* isn't good enough.

My meds worked wonders for my depression, but they didn't do anything for my anxiety. I have asked my psychiatrist multiple times to give me something for anxiety. He doesn't think I need it—he thinks I just "worry too much." Uh, yeah, dude. Duh. He thinks I abuse drugs because I admitted to smoking weed... that's legal where I am. I don't even get high that much. But I've been having panic attacks during class and every little interaction with a stranger sets me off. I try not to drink or smoke to handle my anxiety, but at this point I'm not sure what to do. I sleep way too much. Maybe I'm getting depressed again.

I'm so worried no one likes me. I'm so worried everyone thinks I'm weird. My heart is always beating really fast.

My mother had mental health issues for the longest time. She got insanely paranoid. I never wanted to be like that because her paranoia ruined my life for a long time, and I basically had to take care of her. Well, now I'm getting that way again too. FUCK! I know she recently started anti-psychotics. I don't know why. That really fucking scares me. Does she have schizophrenia, or is it just for intense anxiety? 

Lately I've been having really vivid auditory hallucinations—not when I'm falling asleep, which is normal, but in the middle of the day. Hearing people speaking right in my ear when I'm alone, hearing my boyfriend singing when he's not in the house. They sound REAL. Or I'll see movement out of the corner of my eye and then nothing's there. Over and over. I'm so scared. I can't go back to therapy. I hate my psychiatrist. But I have to do something about this, right?? I can't ask my mother if she has schizophrenia. I can't. But if she does, I need to know, because then I need to stop using weed and psychedelics. Weed I could give up right now, but psychedelics have been such an enormous positive influence on my life the few times I've used them. Even alcohol makes me feel crazy. Am I supposed to just be sober for all my life? With THIS brain??? 

I exercise. I eat well. I get sleep (too much). I read books and study and go to the grocery store and dress like a normal person and try to shower and drink less than anyone else my age and clean my apartment and EVEN WITH ALL THAT EFFORT I am still... struggling.

I will probably stop using weed for a while. I haven't been drinking much at all but I'll cut that out too. I was planning on tripping with my friend once the weather got better but I probably won't do that either. Just another one of the things I have to sacrifice on the altar of "recovering from anxiety." Add it to the list. Social media, my own damn privacy, a normal medical record that doesn't scare doctors, my sex drive, a whole bunch of foods, and so much of my life.