Hi,

today i saw a psychiatrist for the first time .I was diagnosed with the quiet bpd  subtype, I originally went expecting an ocd diagnosis so was quite surprised.

I struggle with validating my emotions and thinking that Im ‘evil’. I’ve been told to have more compassion for myself as a focus and therapy goal but I’m really scared by all the stuff online about bpd and lack of empathy ..

I feel like I spend my whole life thinking about others if sometimes in a selfish way to get them to recognise me or as a fawning thing. My self esteem is generally really low because of my childhood and critical parents and the idea that I’m sociopath is just too much for me, I’m terrrriffffieeed generally of being a burden to others and I’ve always thought there’s a evil part of me somewhere that I can’t see. I think if I was a sociopath I wouldn’t want to live anymore.

please tell me it’s all bs the lack of empathy thing because I was just getting better and trusting not avoiding people anymore and this stuff about lack of empathy makes me feel like a walking bomb again , I dont want to distrust myself or feel like I should  isolate again I’m scared...

Ive also split once before but the person I split with was a mentally ill addict relative who wanted a highly enmeshed relationship with me , now I feel like they didn’t deserve it because it much be a feature of my illness but I had just come to terms with the idea that I broke contact with them for my own good and it’s ok to set boundaries and now I’m being told it’s a feature of an illness I have it’s hard to separate compassion for myself with fear that Im not in control of my actions. I know it could be both but I idk ,is recovery possible ? The people online make it sound like it’s a condition that if you have you shouldn’t exist

all I want in life is to be a good person that’s why I sought out a diagnosis in the first place. What if I’m gaslighting everyone and I really have no empathy , I hate this I know I’m a good person my parents have tried so hard to feed my negative messages about myself , this is making me feel like they are right , 

help please