Hello I’m really upset as I don’t know what to do and was wondering if anyone has experienced this or can relate to where he is coming from? My therapist recommended that it seems he might be a trauma survivor

I don’t know where to start but we’ve been seeing eachother on and off for over 3 years now. In the beginning he said he was wanting to date and be with someone and he put in effort. I did realize he was giving also given me mixed messages like could go days not talking to me etc. We do live 3 hours away just FYI. So we have been exclusive but he hasn’t used terms like “girlfriend and boyfriend” yet. I’d notice this pattern of him getting more distant so I’d call him out on it and that’s when he’d break down and say the “I just can’t be in a relationship right now”. But then he’d start reaching out in small and indirect ways. Also I’d go to visit friends that live in his city and he’d see a post on social media and then he’d reach out to me kinda hurt but asking if I wanted to meet up with him and I’d turn him down. Then another visit with friends I eventually agreed to meet up. we were hanging out and started kissing and I told him I didn’t think we should hook up and that he didn’t want a relationship. That’s when he told me he didn’t know why he said that and that he wants something with me and has missed me and thinks about me everyday and wants to go back to being exclusive and I agreed. 

So it’s kinda the same pattern again where we are exclusive and he is getting closer and putting in effort but also very distant so I get upset and then he says he can’t have a girlfriend etc. The difference is each “cycle” is more intense. Each time he gets more close to me starts to open up and spend more time with me and then when we break up the more intensely he deactivates. For example he will start flipping out and saying more vulnerable things like “I can’t be attached to anyone” “I can’t have feelings for anyone” “I feel guilty all the time” “I can’t have anyone love me I don’t want to have to care” “I don’t wanna let anyone down” “this is just too much” etc. and then he would sometimes even block me for a few weeks depending on how hostile we got. Then he comes back even stronger saying how he has been trying not to talk to me but he can’t help it and how he didn’t know why he said those things but he is attached to me etc. 

one time while he was telling me that he can’t be attached to anyone he started crying and having a panic attack and told me about his Mom being an addict and his dad being abusive.  Anyways we were improving so much recently but I kept flaking on plans with him last minute and he said one time something like “I knew you’d have an excuse to not come this isn’t going to work goodbye” and then he wouldn’t talk to me for two weeks but then when I got him to reach out he wouldn’t admit he was upset about my flakeyness and instead said the same old “I just can’t have a girlfriend” ?

Is this someone that sounds avoidant? Or is he just using me? He says he has feelings for me but then I don’t understand why he acts like he doesn’t 

Thanks again!