
I’ve been a fucking mess all day. Twitter has this purple notification (didn’t know about it until today) and it notified me today that my boyfriend basically followed an asian onlyfans content creator. Come to find out that he was actually following a few more. 

I look NOTHING like these girls. I am white, don’t dress like and weigh significantly more than these girls. Very recently I’ve felt comfortable showing my body, my self esteem has been really good. Finding this out has completely destroyed me. Just yesterday he was telling me how much he loved me and I just wonder if he followed that one girl right after he said that. I no longer accept the body I see in the mirror or that I can share this body with someone without shame. I don’t wanna be touched or seen by anyone. Trusting people is hard for me but I finally let my boyfriend in and this happens. While I’ve been accepting myself more and more, my boyfriend thirsts over sexy women who I will never look like. 

He apologized profusely and said he regrets it and will never do it again, but part of me believes that he would continue doing it if I never got that notifications. We’ve been dating for over a year and he’s been the only person I felt comfortable being honest and myself around, I feel sick and vulnerable now. 

How do I think normally or handle life right now? It’s been a while since I’ve had such awful thoughts towards life and myself. I’m trying not to be crazy and control my emotions, but I feel like a ticking time bomb.