I haven't been in therapy for over a year now. In the past, I got nothing out of therapy because I broke down from the anxiety of simply talking about myself to a therapist. I shut down completely with my psychiatrist. My anxiety keeps me from making any progress on my other mental health problems. Much of life revolves around managing my anxiety, and I'm left to do it alone or anonymously with strangers online, so I've developed worse and worse issues.

I've tried explaining that I "can't" talk because my mind goes completely blank, I'm afraid of the consequences, and that the experience of reaching out for help cranks my anxiety up to 10,000. One of my past therapists remarked that when something triggers me, I stay in a "heightened mode" for months after, then offered no suggestions for coping with this... in my view, this makes speaking about my problems not only just not worth it, but damaging. 

I spent a year avoiding talking about and alluding to my eating disorder, having complete breakdowns on a near daily basis about what I would say during my next therapy appointment and how that would change my life. But ultimately, I basically made the therapist drop me for not being willing to engage-- then had a breakdown about my and the therapist's failures et cetera ad nauseam. 

As a result, I feel that I'm unfairly labelled as unwilling to engage in treatment-- when it's in fact the complete opposite. I'm really desperate to understand what is going on with me and to get out. How can I give someone a basic understanding of what I'm going through without losing it? I've considered writing everything down, but it feels like a major faux pas to hand someone a piece of paper. I also don't think that I could watch someone read it without wanting to take it away, much less answer questions afterwards. It feels so out of control.