Life is hard. U gotta find the good in things. Everyone is struggling in their own way. ( like dude…)

Lets get this bullshit out of the way. If only u take the big time religious people in this world who come to terms with the opinion that theres an afterlife no matter how much they fuck up this life just takes them out of the conversation ( with some exceptions)

I am an atheist not because i know theres no god but because its obvious that the idea of an afterlife especially in ancient years was the only way for humants to comprehend what they are doing in this world which indefinetely got passed on to  every illiterate generation since the beginning of god worship.

Let me get to the point. I struggled with drug abuse not because i had a hard life not because i had a certain trauma but because i found the escape from what we call society. Everything is so fucked up in its own way. 
I met this girl during that period. Seemed to me like a light that could glue me together. And se did and he loved me for who i was even at my lowest. And somehow when trying to detox from everything i was so unstable psychologically that i ended up losing her with100% fault. as if what i felt all this time wasnt  enough (4 years now and going) i managed to lose the one hope i had right now in my life. And now i feel i deserve everything that makes me want to end the pain once and for all. But i know she would be devestated and that would be one last selfish act. Trying everyway i can to find an escape improve my life like every other person at their lows did but nothing touches me. Im hauntedby never ending thoughts the pills my psychiatrist gave me arent doing jack shit and im just left hopeless with friends and family around me more than my basic needs fulfilled and its all just pointless. And what big sin did i do to make me feel this way. I just looked around me and thinked. Just because i dont go around living without seeing the dogshit of a world around me im problematic and i should do sth to change it. Doesnt make sense even saying it.