I struggle in my romantic relationships. I always seem to hyper-fixate on the negative aspects of my partner. Even though I love her, I can't get over the things that bother me, and it always ends the same way: with my partner getting fed up with my behavior and leaving me.

We broke up 2 days ago because I went overboard and said some extremely hurtful things to her, and broke up with her myself in a nasty way because I was angry. Immediately after I apologized since I knew what I did was wrong. The next day I tried as hard as I could to apologize and ask for one more chance, but at that point she was over it.

My worst nightmare always comes true: I end up being the one who is abandoned, and it is always my fault.

I hate myself so much and my suicidal thoughts are constant. I am safe though because I'm with my family. But I'm just so tired of destroying my own life trying to protect myself from what ultimately ends up happening to me anyways. It's all my fault, every time, and I feel like I can't do this anymore.