In the last few months I have been taking courage enough to openly tell my closest people about my depression for the first time and I am doing everything to improve my life. I started to work out regularly, started to gain weight (went from 56kg to now 67kg) because I have a good diet plan, I am seeking therapy every week, been going to the dentist to fix my teeth, went to the dermatologist for my ance scars. Basically I'm doing everything in my power to feel better about myself, especially my body because I hate it. And so I've been feeling a little bit better lately. 

All in all that means that i've been taking alot of "me time" to get better and educate myself about depression.

Yesterday, I was together with two of my friends after a long time not seeing them. A sudden feeling of strangeness overcame myself. I felt like I have never known them and I'm sitting with them the first time. I realised I have nothing to talk about with them and they have nothing to talk about with me. They had fun together while I felt like the fifth wheel on a car. Useless. They talked about many things I seem to have missed in my time off and somehow I was hoping they would include myself in their conversations. But they didn't. I felt like a complete stranger. I am losing my friends because of distancing myself a bit to heal. My eyes filled with tears and oh boy I began to cry. 

After all these years I'm gonna lose them because of putting my mental health in the center of attention for once. Now I feel shittier than ever before and all this healing bullshit comes back at me with ruining my life more than ever. I was never closer to suicide than now, if this is what I get for trying to get better I don't know if I can continue. Everytime I try to improve my life I somehow manage to make it worse than it was.