I've been struggling for a number of years now, probably properly since I was 15-16 time I started to realize (20 right now).

I've struggled with eating problems over the years since I was very young and always been told I'm a picky eater. I got diagnosed with Dyslexia at 19 and was always told I'm just lazy and stupid. I've been diagnosed with ADHD and ADD at 20 and on medication and recently been told I have BPD by my doctor. 

All my life I've been a people pleaser because my parent's expectations were so high. I felt like I was never good enough or would never become what my brother is (went to university). 

I've had thoughts of suicide for many years now, I would never take my own life because of how much of a pussy I am. I just can't help having these feelings of how death would be so peaceful. no more hurting others, no more constant shit going on inside my head. I feel like a constant drain on everyone around me.

My eating is really bad, I can hardly eat most of the time and it's been like this for years, it's not because I want to be skinnier than I am, it's just I have no desire for food. (I'm 180cms/6ft and 123LB/56kg)

I have no friends IRL, I have some friends online and my parents but however many people I have around me I can't help but feel alone and so lonely. 

My Girlfriend of 3 years which was long distance (2 hours way, 2 trains, and an uber) just broke up with me 2 weeks ago, and everything is pointless. She was my everything, we spoke every day for the past 3 years. The first year of our relationship was me being so intense and cringe and cute and I just didn't feel the same being put back into us. We used to call every night and at the time I had a job. I pushed her to finish her college course and she then got an apprenticeship which I was so proud of her for. I helped her fix her relationship with her family and she now is really close to her Mum and Cousin. I pushed us both to quit smoking which we both managed to achieve. I built a great relationship with her family and everyone really liked me. 

At the end of the first year, I had a massive mental breakdown and wanted to become a girl. I regret putting her through it so much but I tried to break up with her as I didn't think it was right to put her through it. We got back together but I spiraled into a depression and left my job. I cried at my work event and I never normally cry but I physically cried out for help and nothing came of it. she stuck with me but I couldn't get out of bed, I woke up at 6 pm and would sleep at 7 am. I hate that I put her through all I have I really do. she had a bad relationship with my parents as she thought my mum was a bitch and dad was weird. Her Mum would say stop being so mean and hard on me because she was constantly bitchy I guess, or just petty for so long I suppose. which I was used to at this point from all my life. 

Then Covid happened and then I had to try and keep her mentally healthy and keep her happy. I tried so hard to call her and give her gifts even though I didn't have money, I met her when the lockdowns were eased. I tried to be so much more interested in her films, clothes she was getting, makeup, everything I tried so hard while in lockdown to help her anxieties and worries and she ended up just eventually meeting family and friends a lot and not being safe. After meeting at Christmas I felt things weren't right, she was constantly unhappy, no matter what I did. We had a 2-week break around early March this year as she just wanted some space because every time we have had a break before we have always gone back to each other and spoke after 1-2 days. We only messaged maybe 3 times in a week and 2 days or something. 

While this was all going on I managed to find a job and applied and got the job, I was supposed to start in early April but my start date was delayed to May 1st. I was trying so hard to try and make her happy but I was trying to not think about the date because I wanted the 2 weeks to go by fast so I could speak to her again and my job would come around quicker. Then the 28th came around and I didn't realize but it was our 3 year anniversary. That was the tipping point for her, she broke up with me there and then with everything left unanswered.  

I tried so hard in our relationship to try and help her understand me but she was never interested, it was always about her. I put her before myself all the time. She was honestly my everything. Even though we had shit times we still have amazing memories. But after she broke up with me and I wanted answers because I was so hurt and confused, she said she is still there for me and stuff as a friend. We spoke every day nearly and I was checking on her to make sure she was coping well. She was always someone who wanted fast replies so I was trying to make sure I was giving her good replies and taking interest in her problems still. I fucked up by saying I thought she was being disrespectful with how she was leaving me on read. not replying when I said would say like sleep well, she would open it 11 am the next morning when she wakes up at 9 am every day, leave it on read, I just wanted a good morning or how am I feeling today like I did. but she never said anything about not speaking. She started being horrible to me and saying I'm being a prick and starting to sarcastically laugh at me for being so stupid to think her as my ex would be there for me all the time. I saw her on social media constantly seeing her being fine. I saw her followers go up and following and I thought I was strange because she said she wasn't planning on meeting anyone. so I made a tinder account and found her wanting a drinking friend. I have a liver condition which means I can't really drink much, but I don't really like alcohol either as I think it's kinda dumb, I just didn't know why she would want to be so shit-faced to have a good time. I wanted to be sober with her and enjoy the moments we had. I just don't know how you can willingly go on a dating app after a 3-year breakup and start swiping on people who you find attractive. I was sat there even after I found her and was looking at all the girls. I found 0 of them attractive. I can never EVER come to terms with her being with another guy. I care so fucking much about her it would be my fault if she gets with a guy and starts clubbing and gets hurt or falls in with the wrong people. Even with sex, I could never see myself with another girl but another guy is going to have that with her and shbuifabuif\[oabsidgf UGHHHHH ICANT DO IT. 

IM SO FUCKING HEARTBROKEN IT'S UNREAL. SHE WAS MY WORLD AND I WILL NEVER GET HER BACK. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HER, THE CLOTHES I WEAR, MY ROOM, ALL MY CAMERA ROLL, MY SOCIAL MEDIA WAS JUST FOR US SENDING THINGS TO EACHOTHER. AND I HATE SOCIAL MEDIA I JUST WAS ON MY PHONE FOR HER. ALL MY MUSIC I WAS SO PASSIONATE ABOUT I SHOWED HER ALL THE SONGS I FOUND AND THEY ALL REMIND ME OF HER, MUSIC IS SUCH A BIG THING TO ME SO IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN JUST NOT LISTEN TO THEM.

She said she wanted spontaneity and stuff but, how could I? Before covid, I went to her house every single Friday night, came back Sunday night. We went on holiday for her 18th birthday. We had things planned for my birthday in May to go away and for hers in August. 

She texted my mum one of the days after the break up because I was feeling suicidal. so I had to explain it all to my parents. I'm going to a psychotherapist tomorrow but it's so fucking stupid how long I have to wait for help. I've been saying I don't feel normal for years, I was always told it's just being a teenager. 

I feel so fucking useless that I couldn't make her happy. I couldn't be what she wanted, and I couldn't give anymore. I tried so hard to help her and she's grown up a lot over these years. And all I get is her after 2 weeks going on to tinder to talk to other boys. I constantly tried to wear what she wanted me to wear or look like. even tho when she bought something for herself and would ask me ''be honest is this nice'' I would say it's not my cup of tea or what does ur mum think. and she would always say something like, you think I look ugly in everything. I constantly was working on her self-image. she would say how much she hates how she looks but takes 20-30 selfies a day and wants to post them all over social media yet I would take about, 3 selfies a month because I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I never once called her ugly, I constantly would reassure her how perfect she is.

I finally thought I had found the person I was going to marry, I never was really into the idea of kids before either but she was adamant about moving out by 23 and getting married, and having kids at 25-26. I genuinely love that girl with all my heart. And people say how I will move on and things but, I promised, and we would constantly reassure each other that we weren't leaving. She would constantly say I was stuck with her, and I was happy with that.

I know how fucking toxic our relationship was, we were both bad for it but she would constantly fantasize over whattpad toxic alpha men and stuff and would always make me feel shit because she would say I'm overprotective of her but would love this idea in books.

She acts like this bad bitch that she thinks people want to see. I hate how social media puts this idea into people that they have to be liked online to have value. I craved just time in person together. just holding each other and hugging, made all my pain go away when we did. she never cared about me thinking she was enough or she was perfect she had to have likes to think she was loved. I was there 24/7 for her and I supported her, I would buy her things when I had no money, care about her anxieties when they seemed like nothing to me because I respected that. 

And I know all the things I've said aren't healthy, but I ask why am I not allowed to be hurt. The way she has handled this has completely made me feel like I'm not allowed to be confused and angry and so fucking hurt. she says she's struggling too but I never said she wasn't, she just hasn't shown anything to me. 

And I watch videos about BPD more and more about how we are such bad people, I never mean any of the things I do/have done. I'm an insanely caring person and always try my hardest to not let people down. I can't stop feeling so fucking guilty and beating myself up. I'm so fucking stupid. I constantly have my parents telling me its just me being a teenager and growing up is why I'm so low and then my Ex who says i need help because the way i am is not normal and its worrying.

People say it's just an attention thing, but I'm posting anonymously because I have no one to speak to about this, she was the person I would speak to. but I honestly hate the person I am so fucking much, I hate that I am repulsed by what I see in the mirror. I hate that no matter what physical item I have, I will never be happy, and that's what annoys me too about her, she makes out like money is so important and makes you happy by buying things and it was the only time I would see her happy.  I hate how many people I've hurt and let down in my life they all deserved better no matter who it was. I just wish I could honestly die, and I wish I believed that there was an afterlife because if I knew for sure there was, I would just do it and protect her, watch over her and be by her side. I know people will say this feeling will pass but it hurts so fucking much.

I just keep crying, and I know it's a good thing because the past 10 years of my life, through being bullied, though failing my parents, school, leaving work all my emotions have been anger. I've only ever cried over her. 

I don't expect anyone to read this far, I honestly just need a place to let my shit out. I'm trying to work out and tone up because I'm a skinny rat. At first, it was to try and get her to stay with me if I physically looked better because at the start she was into skinny guys then told me last week she only said that to make me feel better. But now I want to prove to myself that I can do it and look better for myself a little. I'm just so fucking alone it's unreal. And this will probs get removed for being too long or something IDK. I just am struggling so much and getting help is such a pain because waiting lists are full or it's weekends and you can't contact anyone.

If you're reading this, I appreciate you, thank you for taking ur time to read about my shitty life. I hope you have an amazing rest of your day. you deserve it, ur worth it &lt;3 

(God bless Grammarly, sorry if its incoherent and all over the place, my dyslexia is kind of a pain in the ass)