Tonight I got upset with my boyfriend because I overheard him bragging about sleeping with other girls when he quote-unquote broke up with me. It was when he was cheating on me, we never broke up we were living together the whole time. I knew about this but I also knew that the two girls he name-dropped were girls he did not sleep with. He was bragging to his friend that he had not seen in years. These were girls that he went to high school with. Of course I flipped out and his friend left because he was uncomfortable. 

To be honest I didn't flip out as badly as a normal person would or as I normally would. I just said "please don't lie you were cheating on me. I'm going to bed do not blame me for ruining your night stop lying have fun with your friend."

Of course, his friend got uncomfortable and left. My boyfriend got mad and said he was leaving because I ruin everything and shouldn't have said anything, I didn't beg him to stay. 

Normally I would be on my hands and knees crying sobbing screaming grabbing his keys his phone sitting by his car anything to keep them from leaving. This time I didn't do that. 

I calmly but probably loudly because I've been drinking explained my feelings. I told him that he was shitty for what he did, I told him that I know he's a narcissist and that he doesn't care how I feel. I told him that I know he didn't cheat on me with those two girls and it made it that much worse that he felt the need to brag about it. But I also told him that deep down I know that I'm better than those two girls and that I'm better than the girls that he cheated on me with.

 I have my life together now and it doesn't matter if he's leaving tonight because he can do what he wants maybe he will be back and maybe he won't. But I did not beg him to stay and I'm not crying now that he's gone because I know that I had the right to feel hurt and he does not have the right to lie to me or to his friend. 

I love him and maybe it's toxic but right now I know I didn't beg him to stay and I feel so powerful for that. I don't mean that I feel that I have power over him because I know that I never will but I feel that I have power over myself and my feelings. Even with the few drinks in me I'm not crying I'm not threatening to hurt myself I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want to call him and beg him to come back. No matter what he's done he deserves space and so do I. Fuck him for hurting me and f*** him for lying and f*** him for cheating on me but I did not stoop to the level that I've been so many times before and I'm proud.

He's gone. His dad called me knowing his son is drunk and angry. But I don't think he is coming back tonight. He is an adult and no you should never let someone drive drunk buy I was not about to put my hands on an angry person to try and stop him. That is his responsibility and mine is to take care of myself while he drives to go and cheat on me (probably).

I didn't beg. And I am still not going to.