TW:self harm verbal physical and sexual abuse. 

So I’m going to start with some background. 
I apologize for any grammar mistakes or if my train of thought doesn’t make sense. 

My mother is my main abuser. It started when my father went to prison (trafficking drugs) and got another lady pregnant. My mother left him and moved away with 3 kids. Me included. She went through a lot of abuse with him physical and verbal, not an excuse for her actions but I understand. 

We left when I was 10(F) and she took out all of her pent up anger from my father on me. I can sorta wrap my head around that. I was a spitting image of my dad, and we had a lot of the same similarities. Not anything aggressive just just things like how I ate and tied my shoes. Little things. But she hated it. And that’s when the verbal abuse started. “You’re no better than your father””gaining a few pounds huh””only a B? Better throw out that college fund” (she didn’t have one)
So the 10 year old little girl I was had no self esteem and didn’t know her worth. And I was pretty sad all of the time. 
When I was 12 my mom became a bad drunk and back on drugs. Those verbal comments become worse and she started to get physical. Nothing that would really show though. Pulling my hair, smacking my mouth, “spankings”. I cried out for help to my grandparents and to the school system and nothing came of it. I began to self harm during this time of my life. 
13 things get a little fucked up. I became a “woman”. I hit puberty and my mother- in her fucked up state- thought it would be a great idea to let men use my body to pay for her addictions. There was no fighting back. If I fought back I was beat. No holding back. She didn’t care who saw. But in my head it didn’t matter because I saw myself as worthless and not going anywhere. The school system had failed me and my family didn’t believe me. My mother began to isolate me and telling everyone that I was crazy and suicidal (partly true) and I needed help (very true) and she was getting it for me (not true). At this time my mother would frequently check me naked for self harm marks and if I had them take meals away from me. I wasn’t allowed to shower without her in there. And she would shave for me. This didn’t stop me from self harming. And more than likely made it worse. 
14 I sorta get the help I need. I get diagnosed with BPD. Which I’m learning that was superrrr young for that diagnosis but it was pretty severe. I tell the doctors about the abuse going on at home... they bring my mother in for a “family therapy” session and it ends with her spitting on me saying she regrets nothing. Days later. They send me home with my mother. Medical system has now failed me too. But hey! 2 weeks without sleeping with one eye open and not having anyone “use” me. 
16 comes around and something snaps in my mother. She’s had enough of me. Wakes me up out of bed and just starts wailing on me. I can still remember the smell of that good ole coconut rum on her breath. I don’t remember a lot from that night. But I remember that smell. I do know that at some point my grandparents arrive and take me and my siblings to their home. How or why I don’t remember. 
I do remember having to go to the hospital for some issues. I had 2 black eyes, 3 broken teeth, my hip had popped out of place, a lot of bruising around my neck with trouble breathing, and a shoe print on my ribs. No cops were called. I never went back to my mothers though, my siblings did not experience the abuse I did so they chose to go back to our mothers. I stayed at my grandparents. No more abuse. Self harm continued. 

Fast forward to today. And I am telling my grandmother how badly I am struggling. How I am so suicidal I know I’m getting bad. And I can’t find help. But I think closure would help. Not really closure. I just want my mother to say sorry. She is still allowed at family events and I never participated until recently (my mother had another child in that mess when I was 15 and I want to have a relationship with her) and I also discussed with my grandmother how it really makes me uncomfortable when my mother calls me her “precious baby” and acts like she’s never done anything to me and makes me struggle more mentally. 
My grandmother didn’t know a lot of went on while I was at my mothers and I never spoke about it until recently. And today’s conversation was mainly about the sexual and physical abuse I went through. And here are some of the comments she made. 
“You were kinda a punk” 
“She was doing it all by herself” 
“She kept a roof over your head”
“She never told me about any of that” 
“You need to let go of the past” 
“I don’t think it was that bad” 
 
I wasn’t a punk. I was a child. I wanted someone to love me. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to be treated like my other siblings. It’s not like I’m asking for a lot. I just want my mother to be like “I know I did some fucked up shit in the day. And I am sorry. If I could take it back I would” or damn really just “I’m so sorry” that isn’t after her beating me or letting someone rape me. 
She doesn’t get to be praised for doing the bare minimum as a mother. She put a roof over my head and clothes on my back. As. She. Should. But she broke me. Everything about me. She broke me. She fell in love with a man who was awful to her, and had to do everything by herself. That wasn’t my fault. 

It was so bad. Like was hard. I had no one. 

And I’m 20 now. Homeless but I live in a college dorm and they let me stay year round. I am triple majoring. I work 2 jobs. I am 2 years selfharm free. I can finally enjoy sex. I can be alone with people. I am kind. I am doing this on my own. 
I am just stuck in that pit of depression and suicidal ideation. And I am scared I am going to get ballsy and do it. I don’t want to. But something needs to give. And I think that damn apology would help. 
But ya know what didn’t help. My grandmother not believing me. 
Our conversation ended with “you didn’t know how badly she was beating me until it was almost too late either. You tell me I can always go to you about these things. You didn’t believe me then, and you’re not believing me now. This is a cry for help because I don’t want to kill myself but it seems more and more of an option these days. And that, that doesn’t help anyone expect you. Because I have to remember all of that. I have to live with that. and YOU are just making excuses for someone who let a man rape a child and you feel nothing. You’re on the wrong side of history here.” And I left. 


Sorry for the long post. I felt like I’m going to explode if I don’t tell people who might understand. 
If you want to give advice that would be great. 
And if you want you can ask questions. 
But overall I need to vent. Thank you.