tw / self harm

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I've been seeing this guy for the past few months, things were going pretty well despite the fact our schedules seemed to be against us. He recently he told me he also had bpd but it was almost like a switch because he became more erratic, he was splitting on me more and began blocking me out of the blue - despite knowing that it was triggering for me... I can't deal with it when it feels communication only happens on the other person's terms. 

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He blocked me again on the messaging app we use again on Friday, and I texted him saying that all he has to do is be open when he's overwhelmed and I'll respect whatever boundaries he needs. Over the weekend it dawned on me that I was feeling really triggered. I'm in a shitty family/work/life situation, and today is my second year anniversary clean from self-harm - knowing I've hit a milestone makes me feel even more triggered.. I also noticed a similarity between how he was treating me and how a few exes had previously treated me, and then it dawned on me that I no longer have the energy for those who are emotionally unavailable. Especially when they've tried to convince me that I can trust them, but they haven't given me a reason to trust them, and in turn they show they can't trust me by  closing themselves off.

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Yesterday, I texted him again saying that I wished him well, but I think we're toxic for each other and I've been through something similar like this before and can't do it again as it's triggering. I didn't say sorry, but a part of me thinks I should have, and now I'm facing the guilt of sending that text, worrying that it may force him to spiral on top of whatever else he's currently going through. I'm very conflicted. God I miss him, but I can't allow myself to go through a this type of thing over and over again, and let him go and come back to me whenever he feels ready. He hasn't responded and I'm half expecting him not to, but also hoping he does.

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I'll admit I've wanted to block him at times, and I have blocked him once but ended up unblocking him within hours. I don't know. I really like him, and I genuinely felt things would be different with him... The chemistry between us when we're in person is insane, but it's difficult when we're apart.. Maybe I'm just splitting on him and have reacted badly by ending things? Who knows. Are relationships between two people with bpd even possible?

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I don't know how to feel.