I met him. We dated for a couple months I got swept off my feet and then got knocked up. I told him about my bpd and that I didn’t think pregnancy would be a mentally safe thing for me to do.. He looked so sad and I wanted to make him happy... He said he understood but never researched it.. ever... until I got mad and made him(*sigh* yeah girl I know not a great reason to have a baby) I knew I wanted children in the future but I was just starting to gain a sense of freedom and then boom reality ! I have been in relationships since I could remember. I finally was like yo woah I need to get healthy.. then I met him and the feelings became so overwhelmingly. I wanted to give him everything. So that maybe... in return he would do the same for me... I just wanted to be loved and taken care of for the first time in my life and I know that was wrong.. of course my bpd got worse with pregnancy and I became uncontrollably jealous and paranoid. He never wanted to ignore women he had once had romantic relationships with because he didn’t want to be rude. But it killlllled me. He jacked off in bed to porn of women who had bodies I came to realize I would never have ever again.. he never touched me. He would rather masturbate. It wasn’t until my daughter turned 7months old that he said it was because I was pregnant and he felt uncomfortable. WHY WOULDNT HE SAY THAT BEFORE!? instead of letting me think I was just disgusting to look at!?
He never got a job even though I begged him too. I didn’t even want him to work long. Just until after I had the baby which at that time was only 4 months away. I worked almost all my pregnancy until I was literally crying my eyes out from pain in the walk in and other employees were like woah you need to stop ! I have so much resentment towards him. That is not how I wanted my first pregnancy to go.. now everything he says and does pisses me off. Now I feel bad because that was like 1 year ago and I just can’t let it go. I feel wronged. My bpd is so out of control now and with COVID trying to get a therapist has been so incredibly hard. I need to talk to someone I keep lashing out at him from past upsets and he’s been really trying now. He feels bad and try’s “making things better” but idk ... I literally have NO ONE I can talk to... NOOOOO ONEEE. I feel like I’m losing it. More and more everyday.