Hi, I don’t exactly know who’s gonna read this, but I wanted to get this this out. I 15F made a list of things that I do in a journal hoping to show it to a therapist because I believe they are all affecting my life negatively. But I doubt now that I’ll receive mental treatment so I’m putting it on here in hopes that maybe it’ll help me in some kind of way or maybe just tell me what wrong. But here it is:

1. Whenever I open up to people in my life, I feel embarrassed and ashamed afterwards.

\-I rarely talk to people about my serious feelings, I have no problem telling people what I think about other things but I myself don’t open up for a lot of reasons. When I actually do, I feel kinda bad/guilty while doing so and VERY ashamed afterwards. Ashamed isn’t really the right word for it, the best words I can use to describe how I feel after opening up is gross, regret, and cringe. I usually wish I could take back what I said and had never opened up at all.

2. My strange fear of being perceived as narcissistic

\-I have a feeling of where this originated, my dad and sister always called me a narcissist and accuse me of being a bully in school often when I talk back to them. They like to say to me and others like friends and family that I think I’m better than everyone else (which is quite embarrassing if you ask me) and that I am an attention seeker. I believe that this is the reason that I guard myself from opening up to people because I’m scared of being viewed as an attention seeker or a narcissist. Sometimes I make narcissist (sarcastic) jokes about myself (if that even makes sense) to give some reverse psychology effect because I’m quite nervous that I’ll be seen as someone like that.

3. My motivation comes and goes randomly

\-Maybe this is a normal thing but my motivation seems to be quite bipolar. Im pretty sure that most people go through motivation changes as well but my will to get up and go through my day fluctuates a lot. It could be by the hour, or even the minute where my motivation could be absolutely nothing to skyrocketing the next moment and suddenly I’m deep cleaning my room.

4. I don’t cry when I “should”

\-This sounds kinda weird. By this I mean I don’t cry at things the average person would find sad. I have a memory from when I was about 6 where I was looking up really sad messed up videos of animals passing away because nothing else would make me cry. It would take many of these horrible videos for me to even shed a tear. I was mainly forcing myself to cry too. Now I’m quite the same except I probably couldn’t make myself at those videos either. Of course they’re sad but I just won’t cry at them. I’ve only ever cried at one movie ever and that wasn’t even the scene the creator of the movie intended to envoke tears from people. Now this summer I finished my final year at a summer camp and each year on the last day, the councilors would invite all of the 70-something campers on stage to have a big hug-fest. Of course I went up there and when I tell you that there was not a single dry up on that stage I am not lying. Every. Single. Person there was crying. People I’ve always perceived as the “tough” ones were crying. Grown dudes were weeping. EVERYONE was sobbing except for two people and that was one guy my age and myself. I’m always been very emotional of this place and am still surprised that my very final day of that camp I didn’t cry. I felt bad that not only I wasn’t crying, but I kinda didn’t care either, which was even more surprising. Many more things like that have happened but that really stuck out to me.

5. I have bad authority issues

\-this has been going on for as long as I can remember but I’ve always been more sensitive to people with more authority than me. And it would break my heart if they should any kind of displeasure with me, or is stern to me. It’s quite strange because it would seem that I should be use to an adult being upset with me. My dad is always unhappy with me and makes it a point to scream and shout whenever he’s mad and I use to be very sensitive towards that but lately I’ve just stopped caring. But I have always been very sensitive to people I look up to. This is usually teachers, but can also be a group of friends, someone older than me, an adult that I don’t know well, or some family members. And I am HYPER SENSITIVE to anything they have to say about me (One of the only things that I will actually cry about). If I do something and they’re upset about it. I will have a full on meltdown, immediately believe that I’m the stupidest, weirdest, most annoying person in the world, and will probably hide in my room wallowing in my own self pity for a while before I have the guts to face them again (bonus points if they actually see me crying). This gets to a point where I try to lay low around these people so they dont get upset with me.

6. My behavior is a lot different when I’m around others vs when I’m alone or at home

\-again, this may be something that many other people relate to, but even when I’m really tired, I notice that I am a happy little ball of energy when I’m at school, with friends, or at events. I’m usually an optimistic, loud, extroverted, happy-go-lucky person but the second I get home, some flip switches in my head and i might as well be a zombie. I barely speak a word to my family and go straight to my safe haven of a room to recharge my social battery.

7. Im good at reading peoples emotions

\-I find that I can pick up on what someone’s feeling pretty quickly. I usually try to see how someone’s feeling before I initiate a conversation with them.

8. I have trouble focusing, im usually always daydreaming

\-ever since I was little, my teachers have always told my parents that im always off in another world at school. I never can focus and im usually thinking about something far off from school or daydreaming about something. I was diagnosed with ADHD in the first grade but never took my medicine. My parents say i got better but I only got better at hiding it.

9. I am bad at taking a compliment

\-I think this ties in with being scared of being seen as a narcissist but I don’t really like people complimenting me to my face. I always feel really awkward about it and usually do a little uncomfortable laugh and change the subject.

10. Feeling like an annoying person

\-Whenever I’m around my friends, I am very loud and energetic. I notice this about myself and have started to overthink everything about it. Whenever I’m done hanging out with my friends I feel really bad about it and believe I was too loud and obnoxious but can’t control myself the next time I’m with them. It’s a cycle. I often question why these people even want to be friends with me, but I can never bring it up with them.

11. I get bored easily

\-this is a very vague statement but since I was little, I’ve found that I get bored of things very easily, I’ve mentioned this in other posts but I have a problem with hyperfixation and getting it confused with actual interest. This goes for hobbies, subjects, people. I didn’t even realize till recently that this is actually a big problem. It use to be movies. I would be absolutely obsessed with a movie, it’ll be all I can talk about for months, all that I’d wanna do is watch that movie, then one day, I would just suddenly lose all interest in it. Then it was hobbies. I begged my dad to buy me a keyboard piano. I wanted to learn how to play it. I was obsessed with the IDEA of playing the piano. It’s all I’d talk about and when he finally bought it for me, I played it for about a week and stopped caring. It sits now in a closet untouched. This problem is becoming very bad especially when it’s come into my friend life, my academic life, and my love life. It’s causing major problems and I could make an entire post about that on its own. There are a few times where i have actually had a REAL interest and it’s turned into something great like the violin and theatre but it has usually just caused problems.

12. Picking at my skin

\-this is obviously physical and also kinda gross. It started when I was young, about 5 or so. I would peel at my skin, any dry parts that were starting to peel on there own, dry scabs or mosquito bites, my lips, my eyelashes, and my fingernails. My family just told me to stop and that it was gross but I never did stop. I do this to this day. My family completely forgot and them and a lot of people around me always ask why my lips look so dry and why I have scars everywhere. I try to refrain from doing it but I can’t control myself, it’s gross and I feel bad about it but I can’t help it. Nothing distracts me, not fidget toy, no phone, or schoolwork can help me to stop. It’s lead to insecurities about my short ugly nails, my bleeding cuticles, my lack of eyelashes, and my disgusting dry lips. And also, it’s extremely painful. My lips, skin, and nails bleed every times. I even feel bad for complaining about it now. I’m the one doing it to myself. It’s my own fault that I’m in pain.

13. The way I think is odd

\-another vague one but I don’t even know what else to call it other then the way I think is really weird. It may some kind of coping mechanism but it helps when I feel uncomfortable and also helps in situations where an authoritarian figure is upset with me. Ill try my best to explain but it’s hard to put into words. When there is a miscommunication of some sort, which is quite often to be honest, or someone is just upset with me, I try to imagine someone else explaining to this person how I feel about it and my side of the story and that I’m hurt about it. I sometimes even daydream about this for fun. But in general, In every single thing I do, I imagine explaining every little thing I’m doing to someone else. It entertains me but has just become the way I think of things. I even imagine now of explaining this list to someone. Every word I type, I imagine me saying this to a therapist of some sort. Or someone who cares about me.

14. Body insecurities

\-this comes and goes in waves but my body image is awful. Im always at rock bottom in my opinion of myself. I weigh myself several times a day hoping the numbers are lower than the last time I checked, though Im never satisfied with what I see. I have a condition that causes my metabolism to be slower. And though I’m not obese or considered overweight by BMI, I always feel like I’m huge. I often spend time just looking at my stomach or my thighs and feeling horrible. I’ve had periods where I would try not to eat anything so that I may lose some weight but would always lose control of myself in the end and end up eat something. Part of its my own fault for never having the motivation to work out. I have tried to work up the courage to wear a crop top but would always succumb to my insecurities and put on a sweatshirt. And picking out clothes that hide what I’m afraid to show.

15. Getting attached to people quickly

\-I have an issue with getting attached to anyone I look up to. This always happens to be teachers and close friends. I feel the need to impress them and suck up to them. And if they compliment me on something, I try my best to live up to whatever it is they said. I have a group of people that I became friends with in spring and immediately got attached, possibly more so than the others. They have said that the group is just some friends they hang out with often but I see them as all I have. With certain teachers I see them as friends rather than teachers which does sound kinda strange. I try to suck up to these people and sometimes feel like I show off too much to them or try to impress them a lot.

16. People pleasing

\-I don’t have much to say on this one since I have talked about it a little previously but I find that I often say what people wanna hear, even if I think differently. I always try to mediate during fights between people and take both peoples side which can turn ugly.

17. Lack of excitement in things

\-for the past few years, many things in my life have began to feel like a chore. Things that shouldn’t feel like that. Such as hobbies of mine, hanging out with certain friends and family, showering, school, maintaining good grades, sleepovers, sometimes even being around my favorite people feels like a chore. I’m not excited for much of anything anymore. I don’t think I’ve felt real actual excitement in at least 2 years. And not much happiness either. It’s a numb feeling.

18. Academic validation

\-I always feel like I need to be smart. I have an IQ of 140 though the IQ system isn’t quite accurate, I have a GPA of about 3.9, but the only reason I put any effort into school at all is because I feel like I need to. My own greed to succeed. The validation of others is nice and that hovers over many other factors of my life like the violin, but my grades are a personal thing. If I see a grade in a class that I don’t like, I might have a meltdown. My parents don’t care as long as I’m not failing but there’s something in my mind that will practically have an aneurysm is I have below an 85 in one of my classes. This causes me to take really challenging classes that might not even be right for me in order to please myself and believe that I really am smart. This has led to panic attacks because I’ve realized I’ve bit off more than I can chew.

19. Good at picking up red flags

\-I’ve noticed that I’m quite good at picking up off things about someone. It’s helped me out in many situations and I usually these red flags before the people around me do.

20. Cannot get up in the morning

\-this could be something that others can relate but it’s almost impossible to wake up in the morning. I have no motivation to wake up and go to school. One reason could be that it is quite hard for anyone to wake up at 6am but I can’t help but sincerely wanting to either drop out of school or die whenever I want to wake up for school. This has led to me skipping school on multiple occasions which then leads to me freaking out about missing class.

21. I don’t like leaving the house, or even my room

\-in the past few years I’ve tried my best to avoid sleepovers or even just going to someone else’s house at all costs. Usually pretending that I have somewhere else to be. I honestly don’t think I’ve felt more dread in my life then having to sleep over at someone’s house. I’d be a little more at ease if they came over to my house because at least I don’t have to deal with their family. This isn’t because I don’t like the person. This could be because I’m not comfortable being anywhere else than my house or school, or that I’m afraid of being judged for the way I live even though I think I live pretty normally. I’d rather just stay at home locked away in my room.

22. Intimacy issues

\-this doesn’t necessarily mean intimacy as in sexual but any kind of intimacy with another person makes me uncomfortable. I’ve mentioned the the first thing I said that I don’t like opening up to people. But I do have a lot problems in romantic relationships. Just the idea of me in a relationship freaks me out. A few years ago when I had the same thought, I thought I was just too young and it would go away in a few years time. It’s been a loooong time and I don’t feel any different. I also mentioned that hyper-fixation has come into my relationships which has made me confused on whether I love somebody or whether it’s just a phase. That is a very big problem and could really get somebody hurt.

23. Getting done up for no reason

\-Quite recently, ive been using my time to get dressed up in nice clothes, hair, and makeup. Even if I have nowhere else to go I find it fun to do this. I’ve heard of others doing this as well. My dad has noticed this and has accused me of doing this to take pictures and videos of myself to put on the internet, but I seriously don’t.

24. Getting upset when I’m dismissed quickly, ignored, or forgotten

\-I don’t have much to say since the title is self explanatory, but I get quite sensitive when this happens.

25. I get sensitive when people pity me

\-this one is quite random in my opinion but on several occasions, I’ve found that whenever someone pities me or feels bad and is vocal about it towards me I can’t help but cry. Every time anyone has told me that I didn’t deserve something that happened to me or that I shouldn’t have a certain problem, I get extremely sensitive about it. Some part of it may be a feeling of validation.

26. I don’t feel like I’ve gone through enough to have so many problems

\-after going through this list and explaining everything, I think to myself that there isn’t much that’s happened in my life for me to be complaint of so many problems in my life. I do have a habit of forgetting things that have happened to me or things that I’d rather not think of (hence why I had to write everything down in a journal), but I still feel like I don’t have many reasons to be so problematic.

27. Setting up expectations

I’ve noticed that I like to imagine things in my head going perfectly to my standard knowing that I’ll be disappointed but imagining them going that way anyways. This goes to a point where I’m not just imagining it, I’m getting my hopes up and setting the expectation. This could be something somewhat small like me getting the role I want in theatre. Which then hurts if I don’t. Or something more important (which I can’t think of an example right now).

28. Maladaptive daydreaming

\-I saved this one for last because i see it as the biggest “problem” in my life, Such a big part of my life. For those who don’t know what this is, it’s an addiction where someone spends so much of their time daydreaming. Not just normal daydreaming, but of some type of complex daydreaming. I’m not that great at explaining so I’d recommend just looking it up but for the past 2 years it’s taken up the majority of my time. Valuable time that could be spent on something more important. The worst part of it is that I look forward to it more than anything else in my life. It’s all I want to do sadly, I’d choose to do it than anything else. Simply pacing around my room, listening to music repetitively, and thinking. Just tuning out the rest of the world and going inside of my own head. It’s euphoric. Whenever I try to do anything else (ex. Play violin, do homework, hang out with friends or family, etc.) Id usually stop what I was doing, and maladaptive daydream. It’s caused so many problems. Sometimes I just won’t even do my homework. I even plan on doing it after I finish writing. It’s gotten to a point where instead of hanging out with my favorite people (the only other thing I want to do) I would stop hanging out with them to go to my room and daydream about hanging with them. It’s ridiculous.

Sorry that I wrote so much. I originally planned on posting this on another platform but exceeded the character limit but #4. Whoops. I don’t know who will see this but I’m hoping for some kind of help. Thank you.