Okay so I'm 18m and I was recently diagnosed a few months ago and it made perfect sense once I found out what bpd was I have all the symptoms and I've felt this way for as long as I can remember my entire life ive only felt truly happy for 4 months of it and that was during my biggest time of drinking/smoking weed. My mom was a crack whore and my dad was a murderer my grandparents abandoned me and put me in psych wards since I was 13 growing up instead of trying to help me themselves, my grandma is a narcissist, when I was 16 they put me in cps until I turned 18 and ever sense then I just haven't been the same person, it's like all my hope and happiness and the only chance left I had was destroyed, they ruined my fucking life and they dont even fucking know it. 90 percent of my time is spent trying to fight back bad feelings and I'm fucking tired of it, all I've ever wanted my whole life is to feel normal, and no matter what I do I just feel like im less than a person, like theres something wrong with me that makes me incapable of living a normal life, and I hate it, I hate the entire fucking world and everything in it, but I hate myself the most. 

I only have 2 friends who know about all my problems and it's getting to the point where I'm even starting to hide stuff from them, I feel like I'm finally gonna just fucking kill myself soon and I dont want to tell them because I dont want to scare then or make them feel bad or for them to overreact but at the same time I want to tell them, I'm just scared how they will react, because in the past when i brought up suicide they got mad, and that's the same thing my grandparents would do so it scares tf outta me sometimes that's why i dont talk about it nearly as much as i should, i understand why they get mad but that's really not the reaction i want, pretty much I'm just fucking tired of feeling alone and want life to end and i dont know what the fuck to do ever about anything because I'm fucking stupid