So, I've (20non-binary) been with my partner (23 non-binary) almost 2 years (my longest ever relationship). We are, understandably, incredibly close. We have had an amazing relationship and they are a wonderful person. They know more about me than anyone else and they love me *for* it, not despite it. We have both grown immensely together for the better. 

Anyway, obviously this is an extremely tough year that has put a strain on everyone because of the pandemic and political turmoil. On top of that, I had a family friend die, their dad died, I relapsed with self-harm, I had the hardest school semester of my entire life incl. my mental illness falling to its lowest point in three years, and familial drama. These challenges have really tested our relationship. It's been pretty brutal at times, we would fight more than we ever had before (very civil disagreements or unintentionally hurting the other's feelings, but fights nonetheless), and we both were/are extremely depressed (and both getting help for it). 

So this is all just context for my question which I'm struggling to word so please bear with me - since we are forcibly apart right now (we were safely seeing each other when I was at school this fall but at the end of the semester, I went home and then they moved back home with their mom indefinitely which is 6 hours away, plus pandemic), I have really been struggling with... what I can only assume is some form of dissociation? Or sub-consciously distancing myself from them to ease the pain of being apart? Basically, I'm struggling to internalize that they are my partner, they are the person I love dearly, and they know me better than anyone; I think this is because this version of our relationship dynamic is SUCH a far cry from what it was before all this shit went down and on top of that, that dynamic has, for the most part, been developed while long distance so I feel this dissonance with them. I still love talking to them and we text everyday and video chat sometimes. This feeling frequently happens when I'm away from close loved ones, I struggle to conceptualize the relationship and to reconcile my concept of the relationship in my head, based on our history, with the way it is now, as if I have a poor concept of object permanence but emotionally lol. I think it's strongest with my partner because of the magnitude of our closeness and daily interaction. It's almost like they/our relationship doesn't feel real anymore and I can literally forget that I have a partner in some moments because it's just so not a part of my daily processing and understanding anymore.

 As far as I can tell, I've done a good job at not letting this destroy the relationship or hurt them too much but the feeling is so awful and makes me feel shameful even though I can't control it. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense because it's an extremely tough feeling to describe. I just wanna know if anyone else experiences this and how you cope with it in ways that preserve the relationship.