I work in mental health. I am GOOD at my job. I get along well with my coworkers and my bosses - as long as it's kept to a surface/superficial relationship. 

But the stigma around BPD. It's so horrible. My coworkers are the most loving and supportive people I know. But after dealing with a BPD client, they often express how difficult it is to work with them. I've heard nasty comments. AND I GET IT CAUSE IVE BEEN ON THAT END. I know it's hard. I know I'm not as sick as some people. I know I cope fairly well, barring my most intimate relationships. 

I've had people who knew my diagnosis, saw me at my worst, and still tried to love me. I eventually pushed them so fucking far out, and then begged them to leave so that it wouldn't hurt me anymore. 

Now I'm ashamed. I hate the idea of anyone seeing my BPD. I recently got involved with a coworker (HOW FUCKING DUMB AM I??????) because I thought I was doing well and could handle it. Nope, pushed him out too, totally came off as INSANE. I asked him to block me and cut off all contact. He leaves the job at the end of the month anyways. He's been as patient as he can with my crazier moments, but I feel so riddled with shame. I've played it off as PTSD, but I don't know that he buys it. Im so paranoid that he's told everyone at work that I have all the signs of BPD, but I don't think he's said anything to anyone - they haven't treated me differently. But my job was the one GOOD thing I had and now I'm paranoid. 

I'm constantly scared of letting anyone in. I know I'll either split on them, or I'll start getting too clingy, or I'll expose what a fucked up mess I am. Maybe I need to stop hangin out with people who KNOW mental illness, and go back to hanging out with people who don't know any better. Some of my (female) coworkers and I have been hangin out. And I'm terrified they'll see the real me. I'm scared that anyone who sees the side of me that I hate will RUN or SABOTAGE ME or fuck me up. So I avoid any close relationships, even though what I need most right now is good friends and a solid social circle. 

TL;DR: I'm surrounded by people who believe the stigma around BPD, even though I'm USUALLY okay (except intimate/sexual relationships). I've pushed away the few people who looked past my diagnosis. I'm lonely and I need to hear that there is people out there who will love me despite my bad days while I strive for recovery. 