I've been on and off therapy for years and I've always lied to all my therapist and psychs. I've been told I'm hard to treat and I know it but this time I really want to get help. I've never been formally diagnosed, but bpd is written all over my file, except I never stayed for long enough to be diagnosed. I know I have BPD, I've had time to accept it and knowing helps me feel less inadequate and alone, it makes things make sense but nothing I've told my therapist and psych makes sense to them. They want to diagnose me soon (I'm sitting a few tests this week and next week) and today my therapist told me my mental illnesses make no sense to her because there seems to be no reason for me to have developped them which is why she's sure it's a PD thing, but she already told me she doesn't know how to treat me or if she can. I'm scared and frustrated because I'm trying this time, I'm being honest but I'm also confused by my behaviour and I don't know how to explain it. She told me I'm like two different people in one brain (behaviour vs logical reasoning) and I'm so scared they're gonna diagnose me with yet another m.i. She says a part of me is doing everything for attention, yet I hide all of my symptoms and basically she can't read me AT ALL. I know I downplay my symptoms a lot because I'm used to hiding my problems , she also said I'm dowplaying how maladapted I am and I'm always trying to be different and I don't know how to take it because I know I'm really sick but I can't help but pretend I'm completely healthy. I know not feeling sick enough is normal, I know we don't notice 100% how our pd influences us but I'm so lost, but I'm really scared I may be faking it unconsciously because then why doesnt it make sense? What if it's the opposite and I'm too sick to be treated?? I bet this won't make sense at all either.