Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and frustrated at my lack of action. It feels like I was in a train on the right track and with momentum, and all of a sudden I'm stuck on the railroad. No matter how motivated I am to throw coal in the engine by the time the sun sets all I can do is pray for any movement tomorrow or any sign of life. And oh boy am I overwhelmed; overwhelmed by a sense of impending doom that my regrets are going to crash into me soon. 

While getting medicine after not sleeping for a week because the trauma I endured my doctor asked, "do you have any suicidal thoughts?" And I audible chuckled at the idea, but now the thought is tightening its hold on me. Although I suppose many attempts have been made with alcohol since and my liver hasn't given up on me yet in my last doctor visit the signs of liver failure are there. 

I suppose this is where I stand. Someone important dead(sister murdered), family relying on me as the only source of income(government helps but my dads car to drive my nephews to school is maintained by me and his dental surgeries), the joy and optimism from my wife is being smothered as her hope for my recovery seems as unlikely as the dreams we once had.

The worst part is how easily everything can turn around. If I could just get out of bed and do something. I'm kinda stuck fighting alone now since understandably everyone is frustrated with me and angry. Instead of being a pillar of support for my family I'm just a punching bag for people to yell at in order to get a very weak response. I stopped answering my calls and talking to my friends a few years ago. But I still hope I can make anyone emotional about me proud that what they saw in me was manifested, however, I think a future where I perish beforehand is more likely.