A) I live a life of isolation for the protection of others

B) Kill myself

I came to the realization that I am not safe for society. I am ware my BPD stems from horrific abuse from my mom. My dad was an enabler and my brother was also victim. Mix that with my mom dying two years ago due to cancer with no closure, being bullied in school, sexually abused and bullied in college, I am left a husk constantly wanting to end my life and take revenge on people. I never got revenge on my mom so whenever someone pisses me off, not even intentionally, I have murder fantasies. I have thoughts of wanting to harm people. I think of plans on how to sneak up behind my family and murder them, knock someone out, how to hide body evidence so I won't go to jail, etc. I felt this way towards my mom, and after she died it has extended to other innocent people

I am currently in therapy with a trauma therapist though I told her I don't want to get better. I am comfortable in the darkness and I know I will prevent myself from ever getting better. How I see it my fate was decided for me. This is who I am and there is no way of ever getting better. I am unsafe to society and need to lay low. I wouldn't;t want to spend time with a friend and think about murder towards them as I have many times before. They don't even know I want to murder them sometimes out of sheer trauma anger.