I want to get better but I have no idea where to start. 

I am a 20 yr old female. I’ve been depressed my entire life, and I’m at the point where I want to heal. I always sort of saw my depression as something cool, or romantic, or as an excuse of some sort. I never liked being sad, but I did cling onto it. I guess it was comfortable. 

About a month ago, I attempted suicide for the first time. I saw the way it affected one person in particular who is very special to me. It ruined our relationship for a while. While things are getting better between us, he is still picking up the pieces I left him with and struggling mentally. He told me he lives in fear that I will try again. It broke my heart. 

This situation has been the catalyst for TRUE self reflection and analysis of my behavior for the first time in my life. I’ve come to realize that I am an extremely dependent, insecure, and self-pitying person. I put my problems on everyone around me. But I have no idea how to stop. My entire identity and mental-well-being is dependent on how the people around me feel, and how they feel about me. I’ve recognized this and I want to change. But how do I change when I legitimately feel nothing good anymore besides validation and affection from other people? The second I leave his house I no longer even feel like a real person.

Please understand that I am not glorifying any of this. I hate that I’m like this. 

What should I do?