I recently went through a two-night Ayahuasca ceremony and have felt my entire life change. Using a throwaway for this. 


A little background on Ayahuasca, it is a plant found in the Amazon, native to Peru. It has psychedelic properties that are released when cooked properly with another catalyst plant. It contains the chemical DMT, which bonds or attaches to serotonin receptors. Because of this, being on SSRI's is a contraindication for the ceremony. It is safe to use for almost anyone else though. I must note, that I have often seen BPD also listed as a contraindication for Ayahuasca, but I went ahead and did it anyway. 



My Story: 
I have been in DBT and individual counseling for 10 months now, am 25 years old(F),  and prior to DBT, I was not in any formal treatment for my BPD. I have been diagnosed since age 20. I have a history of self-harm, suicidal ideations, my last suicide attempt was in February of this year. I also just went through an extremely traumatic workplace violence incident in August, and my coworker who was also a victim in the incident joined me in the ceremony. I also have a BF who I have been with for 8 years, and we have had a very tumultous relationship in the past and I have been working hard on helping our relationship become stable. I have jealousy issues, reassurance seeking, mood changes, and abandonements issues that were actively hurting the relationship. 


The Ceremony: 
I joined a two-night ceremony for Ayahuasca. I drank the plant medicine at 10pm, and was tripping until around 4 in the morning. The first night, I had to watch myself die over and over again. Hundreds if not thousands of times. I could see my lifeless body in a hospital room. I was seeing it from my loved ones perspective, I was in my BF's body. I was crying and moaning just like he was in February when he had to sit at my bedside after my latest attempt. I could feel how scared he was, how angry he was, I could feel how much he loved me. I was in my parents and siblings bodies, I could feel their deep despair. I could feel just how much my actions would affect them if I chose to impulsively end my life. 


I then began to hear voices telling me that the two days of ceremony was over, that I had slipped into a coma. That I was in a hospital and never made it out of the psychosis. I was being told that if I wanted my life, if I wanted to live; I would have to wake myself up immediately. I would jolt up from my sleeping mat and see that I was indeed in ceremony still, and then go back to sleep. Then, I would be sent back into the comatose state and have to fight for my life again. I felt how much I loved being alive, I was forced to fight for this life and hold it dear to me. I had never been so grateful in my life to be alive. Not even after my near-death experience at work in August. 


A side-effect of Ayahuasca is that it can make you nauseous, and vomit/have diarrhea. I began vomiting at this point and as I was retching, I saw my friend look back at me with concern and horror. I could feel how much she cared about me and I was overwhelmed with feelings of love. I realized that so many people look out for me daily, and care for me, and love me, even if I don't realize it at the time. 

At points throughout the night, I was consumed with ecstasy and Euphoria. I felt a true happiness that I had never felt in my life before. And there was no reason for it. I felt happy to just be. 


I understood the love that my boyfriend felt for me. In the weeks after my ceremony, I noticed that I had altogether stopped seeking reassurance. I stopped assuming malice in his actions. I actually loosened the attachment that I had to him. I had FELT his love completely, there was no reason to ask him for it daily. 


I no longer have thoughts of suicide or self-harming. I am so grateful to be on this planet. Immediately after waking from the first night's ceremony, the whole world made sense. I was at peace. In the days afterward though, it was a challenge. I was frustrated because I saw that there was so much more work to do. I saw that this shift in perspective would have to be nurtured daily if it were to be truly long-lasting. Ayahuasca showed me the answers, but I had to work on it myself. I had a better appreciation for DBT after Ayahuasca, and realized that so many of the skills were not being given a fair chance by me. I've thrown myself in fully into my treatment and honestly have never felt better. 



The process after Ayahuasca is known as "integration", integrating what I saw during the ceremony into my real life. It has been a daily struggle. I felt disconnected from many people afterwards. People who I just could not communicate with anymore because I just could not relate. It caused issues in my relationship because I knew my BF could not understand the immense breakthrough that I had. He met my changes with pessimism, commenting, "we will see how long this lasts." I also became much less affectionate because I had felt his love, and thought that he could feel mine too, not feeling the need to express it so openly anymore. I communicated with him less because I felt secure in our relationship and did not need to constantly "check-in" with him. This was all a huge shock to him, and required some deep conversations, but overall we both felt that the relationship was much healthier this way.  I also felt secure in general, and felt my old jealousies melt off of me. 


Overall, I feel like many of my negative ruminations have disappeared. I am happy just being. I devote much more time to daily tasks in my home and don't need to distract myself with television or music, because my thoughts are pleasant enough to be alone with. I love myself so much, love my life, and am no longer constantly self-destructing. 


Ayahuasca is not for everyone, and it is certainly not a panacea to BPD, but I think it is worth a shot to research on. The US Healthcare System is slowly making a return to using Psychedelics as a treatment to mental illness, for anything from depression to alcohol addiction, to social anxiety for adults with autism. I would highly recommend reading Michael Pollans book, "How to Change Your Mind" to get more insight on the topic. 



Thanks for listening to my personal journey, let me know if you have any questions. 