I want to reach out  to the community to understand if my ex had bpd traits…I have been lurking around here for some time and just want to understand the illness better…I have nothing against it and understand the mental torture people with this illness go through on a daily basis…and I promise to do whatever I can for the community. 

I had an affair with a co-worker of mine. She is married and so am I. It all started 3 months before my first kid (aug 2018) and continued till my wife found out and my son was 6 months old (June 2019).

At first, it was just physical and both of knew it was going to end after I had a kid. But we couldn’t stop and got deeply attached to each other and formed a strong emotional bond. It’s been close to 2 years since my D-Day and I still miss her every single day. I have never loved anyone in my life like this and I never shared my inner world with anyone else in this way before. It was just very easy and just magical. I was a completely different person around her. Even after 2 years I miss her insanely every single day but I feel that it will be an unhealthy relationship. That is what scares me and also the fact that the co-worker of mine I will call her B and my wife A, was very emotionally dependent on me to point where I felt I won’t be able to be there for her in the way she really needed it. 

We used to talk for hrs and hrs at work and the sex was amazing. Both her and I had strong sexual drives. We made out at secret places at work, in the car, elevator, etc. she absolutely loved the thrill of it and I loved the fact I could satisfy my woman. Both of us were madly in love with each other. Our shared jokes were those only we could laugh on..we played chess together. We discussed family issues and tried as much as possible to be there for each other. I had never met a woman like this before. But we used to fight a lot on weekends because I would only see her on weekdays. On weekends, I had to be home because I had a 3 month baby at home and i couldn’t just leave the house with raising suspicion. I had to help my wife take care of the baby. My commute was an hr and B would talk to me till I reached home and wouldn’t want me to hang up. If I ever cancelled plans it would be hell!! Absolute hell. Once there was an office party that I couldn’t go to since my son wasn’t feeling well that day and she was so mad and said left me alone, you abandoned me and cried a lot. Similar things have repeated in the past when I cancelled a game. I apologized multiple times for it but it’s still not resolved. There have been times that we would fight so much on weekends that I would just drive one hr to see her and make sure she is better and then go home. I have also done surprise visits for her and made her feel like the best woman in the world. At the same time, I had to hide it from my wife and also take care of my son who was very young. So I wasn’t that available. I would leave by 7:30-8pm on weekdays and talk on text till 2am. So yes, I accept it wasn’t enough time for a relationship to flourish but that’s all I could give since I had a kid and had to hide it from A. 

Every weekend I wasn’t there with her, she would tell me to take her away from here. We would make out, and then she would feel bad about it and get angry with me. There have been times where I stopped us from making out and having sex a few times because I knew she would feel bad about it and take it out on me. She made me feel so loved and it felt like where had she been missing from my life for so long! Why didn’t I meet her earlier. I was madly in love with her and still am today. We went for a work trip and that was the first time we could roam without worrying about anything in arms of each other. I have never loved anyone like I loved her before. That’s how it felt like. We had another work trip in June 2019…and that’s when A found some pics and chat messages that I had with B and she called me and went ballistic. I didn’t know what she had at that time. I just panicked and was shaking. I knew how my wife would react so I took the first flight back…on the way back…I asked B what do you want to do. I wanted us to work but she kept on saying fix this first fix this first. I told her this is not fixable and even if I fix this chances of us being together will be very slim or zero. Anyway, went home trying to fix it but I just couldn’t handle what my wife was going through…insane anxiety attacks and panic attacks everyday. I felt horrible about what I had done. I had never seen anything like it before. I felt like she had gone completely insane and wouldn’t survive it. Meanwhile, B was trying to help me cover things up as much as possible…cropping pics etc to prove that I was there with 2 other co workers and not her alone. My wife wanted revenge and she wanted to talk to B’s husband. I was able to tell B that and she arranged somehow to make my wife talk to a friend of hers and pretend to be the husband. Till this day B’s husband doesn’t know the details of what happened. Everyday was a nightmare for all three of us. I was trying to fix the situation saying it’s nothing..it’s nothing…but it was just too obvious. My wife’s trust was completely broken and it seemed like she was suffering from PTSD symptoms. I was trying to take care of her since she was the mother of my child and the child needed the mommy more than daddy at that time. at work, I would try to take care of B because she was going insane too. I told her I need to get to a point where I could have a conversation with A. It’s been 2 years and I still haven’t reached that point. Anyway, In September 2019, I wrote a big email to B that I can’t do this because I need to focus on fixing my relationship with A because we have a kid together and I don’t think I can be in between 2 women who hate each other for the rest of my life because no matter what happens I still have to maintain a relationship with A for life since we have a kid together. B tried and tried to convince me…she wouldn’t come in between my kid and me. Etc. earlier in July, she told me she doesn’t want to leave her husband…she said I have always made decisions based on my feelings all the time and this time I want to do the right thing. I was very disappointed with that because I really wanted to work things out with her. I told her you have become me and I have become you. But I never wanted to cross the boundary she created. I expressed my disappointment but respected her decision. There was a part of me that wanted to her husband to know the reality so that we can be together. But she flipped in august and just wanted to be with me. By that time, I had lied enough to my wife that nothing was going on and the responsibilities of the kiddo and A’s mental health and saving A for the kid was the only thing on my mind. I didn’t care for anything else. I let B suffer alone, similar to how I was suffering alone. Losing 2 relationships at the same time. 

Anyway, since then B and I have been going back and forth, back and forth. Either it was her reaching out after a few months or me reaching out. The typical push-pull relationship. During this period, she has threatened suicide to me on multiple occasions and told me that she was a list of ways she would do it written down. I was really scared because that’s something she has attempted to do before. It was after her breakup in college with her bf. she tried overdosing with pills. I was so scared that I told her that I will tell your husband about it. Here I am, trying to take care of my wife, my kid, my affair partner and I can’t be at all the places at the same time and through all this I couldn’t rely on a single soul to take care of me. B said multiple times that I am here for you. But I can’t talk to her about what’s going on with A. I have tried that in the past because I was naive in thinking that B is strong but it completely backfired on me. Since then I never discussed anything related to A with B. 

Once, B was crying while talking to me so I went to her place to console her and she had pills in her hand. I had to snatch it away from her. I have tried to be there for her as much as I possibly could. But all I always heard from her was that i was never there for her, I never chose her. I was ready to go for therapy with her to get out of the daily fighting mode we were in. I kept on saying, don’t damage what we had with the fights right now. But it never stopped. She just went insane at me every single day we met and I used to go to work only to make her feel better and resolve issues and make her understand my situation. It is true that a couple of times she retracted, I tried to establish contact and stopped her from moving ahead in her life. Sorry for that, but I am human too and missed her dearly and the only times I reached out to her was for achievements that I heard about and I was genuinely happy about. To congratulate her. But whenever we established contact, she had insane mood swings and would love me like she has never loved anyone before or hate me so much like she never hated anyone before and it would swing back to niceness quickly. I didn’t know when she would flip. Though all this, she read the ethical slut and is now in an open relationship with her husband. She told me that she made out with a couple guys and had sex with a couple of them she met on dating sites. She would tell me all this and say I didn’t feel a thing with them and she really wanted to have sex with me. Told me multiple times that she wanted that but I didn’t say yes. I wanted it too, I missed her a lot. Her hugs were magical and I would forget everything that worried me. I can definitely say she felt the same with me. 
So every few months in 2020 we would get in touch and then she would go ballistic on me and would say don’t ever contact me again. Once she got drunk at work to the point that she couldn’t drive and called me…I was so worried, I couldn’t go because I was trying to gain my wife’s trust and wanted some peace because she was fighting with me every single day and I would do anything for some peace and also coz my work was an hr away. She was barely able to talk properly on the phone and somehow was able to get in touch with her husband. I called her at 2am secretly to confirm if she made it..the anxiety was killing me. 

Anyway, meanwhile, I was going for my own therapy and also couples therapy with my wife. I am still going to both and it’s been 2 years. I learned a lot about myself and my shortcomings too. I am very insecure and I have always played a role of a rescuer in relationships to feel good about myself. I did that with my wife and another relationship before that. I have other smaller issues too but I am determined to build a different kind of a relationship. A secure relationship. I am trying this with my wife only because we have a kid together and what let to the affair were other issues in the marriage. My own issues etc. so until I resolve my own issues, I won’t be fit for A or B and everyone needs to do their own work. But god I miss B so so much. My therapist also told me that I need to resolve my current relationship with A before I get into any other relationship. So I agree with that…I am giving my current relationship a couple years to try to make it for my son who I love dearly, work on myself, etc. but not a single day goes without missing B. 

I see some unhealthy coping mechanisms with her and feel that the relationship might be unhealthy since I won’t be able to show up in the way she wants me to because my son is my number one priority and his wants and needs will always win and that would lead to fights etc. and then birthday parties etc, I can’t have my wife and B in the same room. That just scares the shit out of me. But I still miss B like I have never missed anyone in my life before. I told my therapist that it 2 weeks ago that it feels like the biggest loss of my life so far. On Monday, I found out that she is switching teams at work and I am really really happy for her but can’t tell her that. I can’t be there for her through her happy or sad moments and it kills me inside. It kills me inside that my wife went through hell, it kills me inside that I can’t be there for B or celebrate her wins. Can’t tell her how much I miss her. Because I am scared we will have a toxic relationship but I am still madly in love with her. I had to choose, and I chose to fix myself and try to be there with my son hoping that I will get over B. It’s been 2 years and it kills me inside everyday to the point that I have suicidal thoughts sometimes. I have no one to talk to about it. I can’t tell A or B. I have done things for B that I have never done for any human being on earth. Just to cheer her up. We haven’t been in touch since January this year. We were talking since her birthday in December…I just couldn’t get her out of my mind…I went to see her on 2nd January just to hug her …coz she had been saying for a while that I wouldn’t come see her …she wanted to kiss me but I said no because I was afraid she will feel bad about it and we will have another fight…regardless…we did have another fight because she was feeling anxious after meeting me and crying and I tried to be there for her…we spoke for an hr on the way back and also texted as much as I possibly could…but whatever I do I never ever enough for her…in Jan we sort of had phone sex and she then felt horrible about it even though she wanted it..and blasted me off and then wrote a poem about her heartbreak with me and telling me how she loved me. I also realized wtf I was doing and decided to focus on the marriage. I told B I will reach out in March. She said call me in March with your plan or don’t ever call me. March came and went and I didn’t call her. I didn’t want to go through the same cycle and same conversations and fights again coz nothing for me had changed in terms of my availability for her. I didn’t want to stop her from her healing. I didn’t want to go through the insane emotional roller coaster with her. I just wanted to calm and peace. But I still love her and miss her like I never missed anyone ever. Only time I am happy these days is when I am with my son. It’s been 2 years and my relationship with my wife hasn’t improved much…Only reason I keep on trying is for my son. I will keep on trying until I can’t. I imagine days where I leave my wife and be happier and meet B for coffee and chess. We used to do that. And I keep on hoping that she and I would have grown enough to have an secure adult relationship. Time will tell. 

Right now, only thing that stops me from being with B is the way she coped with our so called breakup. Those suicide threats, threats about calling my wife and calling HR, drinking like crazy, etc tell me that that’s not the way healthy adults cope. But sometimes I feel she just has anxious attachment and felt extremely betrayed by me because she feels she was there for me always and I wasn’t. Sometimes I feel, my wife’s reaction was similar but in different ways. My wife went insane at me too. Spit on me, physically abused me in front of my parents, tore all my clothes using scissors, slapped me multiple times. But my wife never threatened suicide or drank herself away or had a one night stands. I understand that everyone reacts differently. My point was I feel B’s reaction was just about feeling betrayed by me. But sometimes I feel if we had parted ways in a healthy way, there might still be a chance that we could have been together. 

Sorry to blabber so much…there is a lot more that I have gone through and so have A and B. It’s been hell on earth. 

I am just trying to understand if my coworker had BPD traits. I am confused because it seems like she never really left me similar to what I have read so far, but always just wanted me more and more. She was very much in touch with her feelings but at times her emotional world is very overwhelming for her. Her mood swings and anger scare me. But it felt like those traits only got triggered after my wife found out and I also feel that her bpd traits only show up in romantic relationships and she has a healthy relationship with her friends and husband. She claims that and I sort of believe that. My therapist doesn’t believe that entirely. 

Bottomline …I love her and miss her dearly. But I am committed to working on myself and committed to trying on my marriage for my son so that I don’t have any regrets in the future about not trying to be with him. Years down the road, if my son asks me did you try dad? I want to say I gave it my all. 

I want to understand if she has bpd traits or is just a very codependent person and has a very anxious attachment style. 

B is very empathetic and can feel other’s emotions. Really good at work and very driven. Very much in touch of her feelings. There were times when I would leave for home on Friday evenings and she will say that I feel that you are abandoning me. One day we sat and drew our life’s graph. It was my idea. Her’s was up and down every 2 years. Gone through hell with in-laws, bf, etc. but she been married for 11 years. I asked her multiple times why did you have an affair with me if you already had a great relationship with your spouse. All she always said was I don’t know, I just love you. She knows how to express love and affection really well. Something I had not experienced before. Both of us were good at it and also knew how to keep the flame alive, etc. Even now, she is okay to continue a relationship with me because she is in an open relationship now. After what I have gone through, I sort of believe in open relationships too. But I don’t think it will ever fly with my current spouse and definitely not with B. 

I know very well that I have hurt her multiple in this crisis and I know she has a huge list of times I have hurt her. By choosing to fix my marriage every time she needed me and push her away every time her anger became too much for me to handle. I am not in a position to judge anyone’s feelings. I know she has a big list and she looks at it everyone she misses me. I am sorry. If you are reading this, I am sorry. I really wish I could be with you tonight and celebrate your big wins and I am super proud of you. I hope you can forgive me. In my defense, I was and am just trying to be with my son and watch him grow. I didn’t have a bond with him for the longest time and I built that in oct-nov 2019 when I took paternity leave. 

Please ask me any questions if you need more information. 

Apologies for just a long post.