It’s hard for me to write about this because I’m trying to really streamline my thoughts and make as much sense as I can. 

I have had two full blown manic episodes in my life. Both were followed by periods of hypomania where I’d have periods of lucidity. 

In my full blown episodes, all names and words would become a pattern that my brain was trying to crack. It was like only I could make meaning of these patterns and names. I think this is possibly similar to how others experience manic episodes?

Anyway, being in public is hard for me sometimes. Because I start to relive those patterns or see them again. I’m totally lucid and stable on meds but I’ll hear someone call out… say “Ella” and my brain will rapid fire Cinderella/Ella Fitzgerald. If I was fully manic maybe I’d interpret that as I need to be treated like cinderella before I can make music like Ella Fitzgerald. It’s extremely triggering and then I gaslight myself into worrying that I really am slipping into mania even tho I’ve been stable for 3+ years. It’s so hard to be in public spaces with a lot of noise or seeing people with nonverbal tics because it reminds me of mania. 

I know there isn’t some grandiose scheme or entity behind these patterns my brain makes because they’re just coincidences or reminders but it gets overwhelming tuning them out. Obviously I have a unique set of lived experiences that can inform the memories or feelings any word or name conjures up. Does anyone experience anything like this?