"By the time people read this I am probably already gone. I hope nobody blames themselves for what had happened. I know many will probably have regrets for not being there for me, but it is no ones fault. I'm really bad at expressing my feelings and the most of my time I don't even know myself how I am feeling. I guess I have just gotten so used to suppress my feelings to the point that even I don't know anymore how I am feeling. 

I think everything started in middle school when I had this crush on a classmate that had depression. She had a habit of doing bad things to herself, like cutting, not eating properly and some other bad things. Back then I didn't know yet that I had crush on this person. We spend a lot of time together, but when I finally confessed my feelings, I got turned down. This led to pretty bad depression. I started to pickup some of her bad habits. I spent a lot of time alone and I started cutting myself. Back then I had amazing friends that truly cared about me. They kept trying to reach out to me even tho I was pushing them away. They even arranged a surprise birthday party for me, which I didn't attended. I did get over the the depression eventually (about a year later), but at that point no one was reaching out to me anymore. I basically spent rest of middle school alone.

I thought that high school was my chance to start anew. I thought I had already moved on, but apparently I was still dwelling in the past. I thought that everything would be same as in middle school just with different people. I managed to make friends, but I didn't feel like I was properly connected to them. I was probably still trying to see my old friends in them. I was probably subconsciously putting a barrier between me and them. I have many happy memories and precious moments, but there are times when I feel like none of them are real. I often feel like being in third person and just watching things happening. I think I was already suppressing my feelings at this point. When I was feeling bad I was just acting like nothing was wrong. Like I wasn't able to tell anybody about my feelings, not until I started dating my classmate. 

One summer we just started hanging out since both of us were feeling stuffy for constantly being inside. Most of our friends are introverts, so they didn't really wanna hangout if there wasn't a proper reason for it. I was just happy that there was somebody else who was feeling the same way as I did. Wanting to hangout just for the sake of it. A half a year later, she told me that she had feelings for me and we started dating. I didn't particularly have any special feelings towards her, but I couldn't bring myself to tell that to her face. She gave me the human connection that I have been longing for and it was not like I didn't have any feeling towards her. I feel like she gave me a reason to keep going, like I was living in the moment. The relationship didn't start in the best way and we had lot of problems, but we were still together for almost three years. I was putting a lot strain on my girlfriend. She was the first person that I felt like I could actually talk about anything. She was basically my therapist, friend, emotional support and girlfriend at same time. 

It has now been a month since our breakup. The first week was really difficult. I was going insane and the thought of committing suicide was really tempting. I did managed to calm down in the end, but the first week was really messy. It was also when I realized how much she really meant to me. I don't think the break up was a bad choice, but I do still love her and miss her very much. I hope nobody blames her for anything. It is difficult to put three years we experienced together into words, so I hope people will be understanding. For the past month I have been trying to motivate myself to improve myself and move on. I have been fighting against my overthinking and depression, but there are times when all the emotions burst out without my control. Like there has been days when I am feeling okay, but I feel like that is just result of me suppressing my feelings. I have been trying to reach out to people for help, but it has been really difficult. I don't feel like people are taking me seriously or worried about me, even tho deep down I know that is not true. I just need proof that people care about me, so my mind would believe me. Sometimes words are just not enough. 

I have been fighting everyday to survive. I keep encouraging myself and setting myself goals that are easily reachable. Like I started working out and play the piano again. I made a short term plan for future. I tried to think positively. I have been searching for help on online. I tried to distract myself with games and friends, but now I am tired of doing all that. Being in call with others is not enough. I can't survive without proper human connection. I'm currently staying at my parents place, but they are working eight hours a day so most of the time I am still alone, sitting in the silence trying to distract myself with whatever I can. It is scary to think what would happen to me when I go back to Jyväskylä, back to my small apartment where I live alone and when all my friends live near the capital. I will probably go insane if I am left alone like that. No matter how positively I try to think about things, I don't see my situation improving.

All my life I have been trying to satisfy my parents. I went to high school, cos my parents wanted me to have higher education, cos they didn't have the chance to have one. They wanted us to success so we wouldn't need to go through same hardship that they went through. That is also why I went to college. I don't think I have ever had proper goal of my own. I know that they were thinking of our best, but that also put a lot pressure on me.

I know that I am still young and my life is just starting. I know that I just need to get through this and I will be fine. I know that I will meet new people and make life long friends. I know that some day I will get married and get kids and see them grow up. I know that there are people that have gone through a lot more than I have and are still fighting to survive. I know that I am loved. I know that people will be hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, surprised and shocked. I'm sorry for being so selfish and deciding on leaving before it is my time, I just don't think I could take this any longer. Seeing nightmares everyday, being left alone with my mind, not able to escape reality, trying to get help only to be dragged down deeper, not being able to express my feelings. I still don't like the idea of wasting a life like that, so I decided to donate my organs, so somebody who is fighting to live, could have another chance to do so.

I hope whoever is reading this letter could pass this to my friends and family. I want them to know that I love them and that I am really sorry for leaving them so suddenly. I'm really sorry for leaving my siblings to take care of my mom. I'm really sorry that people have to hear it this way."