So I have struggled with confidence and self expression my entire life. I went to a very strict religious school where I was constantly bullied and humiliated because of the way I looked, spoke and expressed myself. I was too hurt and embarrassed to tell my parents about what was really going on. Im also an only child and was surrounded by midwestern adults who believed children should be seen not heard. I never felt comfortable in my own skin, or had a safe place to express myself unless I was alone. Around others (children and adults) I was always viewed as different or weird and it made me feel as if something was wrong with me. I felt as if I had to win others over by being perfect, obedient and submissive. As an young adult I understand that this rigid background resulted in my difficulty for self confidence and creative self expression.

Now I live in LA, am getting my MFA and have attempted to be a content creator as a sort of side hustle. My issue is when I go to make a video, podcast, or even a simple thumbnail, I become so nervous and internally uncomfortable. For example when I post a video or podcast episode, my heart rate increases and sometimes my head will start hurting. I get so anxious. This also happens when I see that no-one is watching my content. Sometimes even when I practice drawing I feel like this. I want to learn how to express myself with ease, but whenever I have these intense reactions, I feel like Im doing something wrong, or like I should not be feeling this way. It feels like Im paralyzed and I don't really have anyone in my life who understands this feeling.

Can someone explain why I feel like this and how I can calm myself down? I would love a logical answer. I am tired of having these internal battles with myself, and I think I have gotten better at pushing through but how can I console myself when the horrible emotions come up? How do I fight back against this mindset?

Any advice, information, personal stories or resources would be much appreciated. Thank you so much.