I've been going through some really tough times during school with a lot of stress. Everything was already rocky, with me resorting back to self harm and lashing a lot. 

But last night... I just need support. 

My parents (narcissistic Dad and loving mom) wanted me to help move an oven. I, of course, was terrified of doing that because I knew my dad would be furious and lash at me, and I didn't want that because I was already on a down trend in my mental health. But I was called, with the usual "you think you could help us? Don't want you to get mad!" From my dad. He was implying that I'm lazy and didn't want to help. Trigger #1. So I go down and help get the oven out of the car, and he says "do you think you could help your mother?", implying again that I am lazy. Trigger #2. I snapped and yelled "FUCK you" 4 times and sat in the grass in the fetal position and covered my ears. [immature I know, but honestly that's the only way I can't hear him]. Then we manage to get the oven into the house. 

Moving the other oven out is where I really snapped. He wanted me to help move the dolly below the oven, which I did, gently (too gently becaus it kept moving) and he screamed "get the fuck out of here motherfucker. I don't want to see you anymore. You're an asshole, you know that?" So I ran to the living room and got back into the fetal position with him screaming "that kid is really an asshole. I don't want to see her anymore. She's a freak". 

I hadn't eaten anything all day because he cut the power off to work on the oven. So after the ovens were all situated, I began to make my food in the microwave. He said something incredibly triggering like "she's a failure and will never make it in life" and I got so angry that I started hitting myself and screaming bloody murder. The screams are the only way I couldn't hear him. I sat in the corner of the kitchen and SCREAMED. My throats still hurts today. My mother, loving as ever and took all of his abuse that day, starts growling at me "you fucking cunt how dare you" and I can see the hatred in her eyes and she's saying "you haven't changed you immature brat" and telling me that I "should've walked away from him. You fucking crazy bitch". 

I love my mom, she loves me. But whenever I do anything to piss my dad off, she blames me for the fight. 

So while my mother is growling at me, and I'm screaming, my dad comes in smiling and giggling and saying "oh look at the little freak" or something like that and I'm so angry I try to hit him. I miss and go back to sitting down and screaming. He's like "go get into your safe zone" (another triggering word because he uses it to tell me I'm weak). 

My mom gets in my face and I'm terrified of having someone near me so I try to hit her. I land on her arm, so she screams she's calling the police on me. She doesn't, thank god. She tries to drag me to my room by my hair. 

Again, my mom is usually loving. 

I scream "FUCK you leave me alone get out of my face I hate you!!" I DESPERATELY needed to not have people in my space, and she starts growling how she never loved me and she wishes I wasn't born. 

I eventually crawl to my room after they leave the kitchen, so weak I couldn't stand. 

I call my SO, who's my FP. He says that I shouldn't have screamed, but he wants to hospitalize me. I've been hospitalized before, recently, and it was a HORRIBLE experience. Like stuff out of nightmares. I have never wanted to see my father, but I actually missed him compared to that fucking place. I say no. My boyfriend says I don't actually want help and he doesn't want to hear me cry. He's amazing and said he'd rather we break up than me dead. He's an amazing person but I still felt like he was blaming me. 

My mom knocks on my door. I don't want to open it. I do. She starts growling how I'm a terrible person and the stuff and I quietly squeak out "please stop. I need to be alone" and she tells me sarcastically "yes mom." And yells some more. 

I feel like everyone is blaming me for my mental disorder. I feel like I can't control my emotions. I feel like I'm spiraling down so hard that I am going to crack my head open. 

Please, help me realize this isn't all my fault. 