hey reddit. i want to share my story with you. Please be aware of triggers and please take care of yourself &lt;3 

lately i started to remember some memories from the past and connected them to how i feel now. i also went to a therapist, but only twice yet, but she already was able to point out the obvisous. i am a house on fire. they lit me up 11 years ago and now i'm 24 and i'm still burning. and i could not see it. i was blind for myself and in denial. I told myself that all the stuff won't hurt me; and that i have to be very brave. i had to be brave for my mother, because i feared her to be all alone and unhappy. So i accepted that her boyfried stayed in the familyhome. I accepted to live with the person which caused me a lot of pain, because i wanted the woman i love the most to be happy. 

that broke me.

with 13 i started to drink.  me and my best friend (who was later diagnosed with borderline, cheers!) used to go to punk concerts every weedend and drink a lot of alcohol, mostly beer and cider. in the afternoons we usually hung around at the mall or the park, smoked cigarrets, listened to music,talked to weird people and met boys who where much older than us. 
I got my first boyfriend at this time. still beeing 13, i was dating someone who was 21. my mom didn't even mind. he came from a really fucked up family and i don't know what drove me to him. i broke up with him to get with someone else, and thats how i went from relationship to relationship. i hurt myself by cutting my arms and legs. My mom begun to worry but never took action. the arguments at home started to get worse. at some point my brother and my moms boyfriend had a fistfight. 
i was 14 when i attempted my first suicide by cutting my veins. 
with this guy still around there were some incidents where he tried to see me naked, saved photos of me with short shirts in a hidden folder, spied on me while i was in the bathroom and shit like that. 
my grades dropped, i felt tired all the time and slept all day, i stopped doing my homework, i missed a lot of school because i was'n able to get out of bed. I had to repeat the 8th grade and struggled to fit in the new class. i couldn't make friends because i was to exhausted to leave the house after school and i was to scared to ask people to hang out with me. i isolated myself a lot. on the weekends i still went to concerts and parties and mostly had a good time with all the other drunk people. sometimes alcohol caused me to cry und scream like a baby, i got complete blackouts and emotional outbursts where i told people this secret i kept hiding but nobody ever really understood or were to overwhelmed to help. So i burried all my helpless feeling deeper in me to be brave for other people. i didn't want them to feel bad about my story and i didn't want them to see me as a victim. at home i had to hide emotions either. until i was 18 my moms boyfriend had a key to the house and he was able to enter it any time he wanted. mostly he showed up when i was home alone. after he was caught spying on me again my mom finally took his key but he was still around from time to time. after i moved out my mom still was involved with that guy. the year later she broke up with him. he was stalking her and harassed her on the streets after that.

in the past few years i got worse. i lived alone for some time and used alcohol to bear the lonleyness, sadness and anger that controlled me. i don't use alcohol for this purpuse that frequently anymore. i swiched to weed, mainly because i dont have a hangover the next morning and i'm able to function. I got really scared of social interactions, i can't trust people and i feel panic rising up in me during a social event, i can't think of something interesting to say or some question to ask. My relationships aren't deep, i don't want anybody close because i'm scared of getting hurt or them leaving me because i suck that much. i fear conflicts, mainly because i can't remember the situations people are taking about but i'm to ashamed to admit it so i argue about things that i have to reconstruct during the argument. I often dissociate when I am among people. 
There is nothing in my life which is giving me joy. i dont feel much.i dont put much effort in things i have to do and i'm to lazy to develope a real interest in stuff.  I'm just exhausted from the smallest things like grocery shopping or taking the trash out. i always though thats the way i am and my life has to be like this. i wasn't able to tell anyone whats wrong with me, because i didn't know what i was missing the hole time. I resigned myself to the suffering and pain. i never tought that i have been traumatised  and now it looks pretty clear to me that my life got fucked up. 