I’ve been struggling with depression since I was a pre teen. I’m 30 now. My life has never improved. It has become worse and worse over time. I’m so exhausted of feeling like this. I can’t remember a day I didn’t want to cry. 

The only things keeping me going are my hobbies, but they don’t even seem like enough anymore. The other thing keeping me alive is my fear of dying. I’m not religious. I don’t fear hell. I am scared of not existing anymore. Even though existing is so painful. 

A part of me can’t wait until the unbearable sadness outweighs my fear of not existing. Another part wants to say screw it and end it all now.