I was diagnosed bipolar 2 after what I now know was a hypomanic phase. Mostly I felt depressed: no energy to do anything, feeling hopeless, and worthless to the point I would take care of myself.  But then I’d get bursts of energy. I always thought this was me being “normal” and getting my life together. I’d make all these plans and buy a ton of shit for said plans. Make plans to do things with my friends, which sometimes I would then cancel because the depression would set in. I’d also get this inflated ego and seek sex (up until a few years ago) which just ended up traumatizing me and destroying my self-worth. 

I started on Lamictal about a year ago and it helps to an extent. My dosage is 400mg. But recently I’ve been really stressed with life and I’ve been cycling more. It’s mostly depression but then there’s times I can’t sleep and I have racing thoughts. I still kind of have that “get my life together” feeling but I know not to act on it at this point. My psychiatrist suggested adding lithium which I kept denying because from what I read online (always a bad idea) and heard from a pharmacist, it could cause weight gain and a slew of other bad side effects. At my appointment this week she suggested it again for like the 3rd time. She told me my concern about weight gain was “unwarranted” because my dose would only be 150mg. I’m not entirely sure how to feel about that, maybe I am being ultra paranoid but I don’t know. 

I took the first dose of the lithium tonight and I was literally scared to take it. I finally just did it. But now I mentally feel like shit. I hate that I have to be on medication, who the fuck knows what this shit is doing to my body. And… so what? I spend the next 60 years of my life taking some cocktail of medication so I can function and be stable? It makes me feel pathetic. 

Having this disorder is so hard. If I’m not loathing my existence, I’m overthinking ad nauseam and can’t calm down. I can’t even decipher if I actually want to pursue a hobby or be social because it might just be mania. I don’t know what normal is. I pray to God this lithium works and I don’t gain a ton of weight or lose my hair or fuck up my kidneys. I’ve read some people feel like zombies, I’m honestly okay with that. I’m tired of feeling, I’ve felt enough in my life.