Granted, he’s older, he’s got a thick accent, slight hearing issues, so there’s that.  And I have generally been satisfied with him throughout the decade I’ve been seeing him so far which has been quite some time now.  Been through a lot during this time and he has always been helpful, supportive, and well-meaning whenever he can.  He reduced my klonopin dosage from 4 to 3mg which isn’t a hell of a drop.  I sometimes take 2 a day so I have extra for emergency but even when I do take the extra, I feel anxious still and he seems to not wanna make more changes with my medicine.  

Maybe it’s just tolerance and life in general.  I been out of work for a while due to chronic back pain.  Suffered a broken lumbar in 2019, had surgery, PT, have scoliosis now and lingering pain which affects my health and well being  a lot.  I think I’ve developed agoraphobia in recent years, as I get massive anxiety attacks in public (in NY) and don’t go anywhere without my sunglasses, hat, etc. and I stay local but even then I’m debilitated, it seems like.  I definitely developed PTSD from the back injury (it’s a long story for another time), but everyone basically just tells me to move on with my life which I’ve tried but I can’t find remote work, or work that doesn’t make me wince in pain during first few hours.  

Not sure if this goes in any other relevant subs like depression, ptsd, anxiety help, etc. but my dad is having knee surgery in two weeks.  He’s overweight, he’s old, I’m scared because his brother who was seemingly healthy died of a heart attack few hrs ago.  If I lose my father, I lose everything.  I’m estranged from my mother and nearly all my family, I lost touch with my so-called friends over the yrs, I don’t understand how all this bad could happen to me.

So I walk into his office this morning and said I wasn’t that good when he asked how I was.  I had a napkin full of talking points I wanted to touch base on and what’s bothering me but I can barely cover one topic without it stretching the whole session.  Also, not that I snoop into on conversation, but I hear his muffled voice through the wall with his other patients who he seemingly talks with for more minutes than I.  Feel like he’s only good for writing scripts and that’s about it.  Not to sound harsh .  Psychologists, social workers, etc. never worked well for me at any time.

Just needed to get this off my chest.  Sorry if it sounds garbled but obviously have lots on my mind .