I have realized that for some reason I wish bad things upon myself a lot. It's different from being suicidal, which I have dealt with before, and i have never done any sort of self harm. It might be something like me getting up in the morning with a stomach ache and hoping I become sick. I might get hurt in some way, and I'll want it to heal slower, and I might exaggerate its pain. I dont enjoy pain and if it's something that actually hurts a lot, then I will want it to be over. But it can even be as simply as me looking at my smartwatch's stress gauge and being satisfied that it is high. I deal with depression and low self esteem, and while I may feel terrible all the time, there's a part of me that doesn't want to get better for whatever reason. Maybe this is all caused by some negative attention seeking thoughts I have, but I feel like it goes deeper than that. Does anyone know if there is a name for what I am describing, or if it just another symptom of the illnesses I mentioned before? I'm just confused that it has nothing to do with suicide, and that it feels like there is no motivation behind the desire.