This is going to be long, might be triggering, and I’m on mobile, so I’m sorry. 

I was first told I might have BPD when I was 11, but the psychiatrist said I was too young to be formally diagnosed. I’ve been through a lot of abuse in my life. My first memory of my dad and grandfather (paternal) was when my grandfather held me down while my dad raped me. We were on vacation at Disneyland; I still can’t bring myself to go back there. The abuse from my father came in every form imaginable. I cut off contact with him when I was 14 (5 years ago). My mom and little sister stayed in contact with him and recently told me he’s been clean and sober for 18 months and that he wants to talk to me at least once more. I’m shaking and crying just from typing that out. My sister has 10 months clean and I have almost 6 months sober (let’s see if I can make it to tomorrow). This information has started a spiral for me. 

I started dating someone recently. I was doing really good when we first met, better than I ever had. I could finally see the positives in things while acknowledging that there were negatives too. I’m not there anymore. We started arguing, he got distant, I had a pregnancy scare, and he told me this morning that he’s been thinking about breaking up with me. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it too, but every time I even hear his voice or see his face, that thought goes out the window. I’ve explained a bit about bpd and my other disorders to him. He was very supportive at first, but now he’s saying that he can’t deal with me having a breakdown every day and always coming to him for support. 

I’ve been out of work for over 6 months, and I have an interview this evening. I want to go into it with the intention of trying to get the job, but I can’t bring myself to even think of doing anything productive today. 

The only car in my household broke down. 

My best friend/roommate is venting to me about everything. Her aunt has been missing for 2 weeks, her best friend raped and killed another one of her friends last month, she’s in love with her old roommate, and she’s been dealing with it all by drinking excessively. She talks about her drinking constantly, while I’m struggling with my sobriety. 

My sister barely talks to me anymore

COVID-19

Financial troubles

Lack of sleep

All of this has happened in the last two weeks. There’s still so much more, but I’m going to get into what I did last night now. 

Before last night, I hadn’t cut myself in almost 5 years. Before I did, I tried reaching out to so many people. Calls went to voicemail, messages weren’t read, emails weren’t replied to, and my mom was too stressed for me to want to burden her with what I’ve been dealing with. From the first message I sent to when I started took 5 hours. I realized afterwards that I could’ve called a crisis line, but I wasn’t thinking rationally. I told my best friend, but no one else knows. I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend. There’s no way I can hide it. He’ll end up seeing the next time we hang out. I know he will. I haven’t had an active suicide attempt in over 4 years, but I’m really damn close right now. I just want a bottle, a way to die, and a secluded space where no one will find me. I don’t want to be around anyone, but I know I need to be. I’m not going to attempt suicide, but I don’t know what else to do.