I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrated and full of rage I feel right now. 

Today is the anniversary of my last (and most serious) suicide attempt. Six years. I’ve grown a lot since then and always spend this day in reverence for myself, my life, and the life I lived before that day. Its also valentine’s day, but never bothered with it too much since I’m more focused on self-love anyways. 

This morning I told my FP (4 years) that I was looking for some extra love and support today. He obvs knows but i’m always paranoid he’ll completely drop the ball so I mention it anyway. He leaves for work with lots of love in the air. 

Fast forward to the evening. I get all dolled up for him and we go to dinner, cute cute. I start feeling highly overstimulated but try to hard to stay present and patient. We spend half the time talking about his job, he even lists sex with his last ex as his best day (after I try that conversation starter to change the subject lol) and I STILL stay so calm. The only shit he’s got to say is how hot I am. Gee, thanks let me disassociate out of this mini skirt a little bit faster. 

Headed home, horny, plans for snuggling and a movie. He spanks me plenty, hops in the shower, and then-

sits down at his computer for.... an hour? Working I guess? I start to feel ridiculously stupid in my make up and tights, waiting for him to be done. I get changed, do my full skincare routine with all the stops, and get into bed. Still nothing. 

Finally he’s done and is surprised how upset I am. But like, on the ONLY day of the year that matters to me. I couldn’t care less about major holidays. Birthday is whatever. But this day is always the hardest and most important. And somehow at 10pm on a Friday night, something has to be done. 

I’ve been oscillating for months about our relationship, but obviously too codependent and bereft of self esteem to actually move on it. not when my life is so safe and secure with him. 

But this feels like the worst betrayal. I’m writing this in the middle of the night outside my apartment because I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. My skin was crawling. 

Please talk me off the ledge. I need to release this pressure, I feel ready to absolutely explode. I know he cares for me and prioritizes me in a lot of other ways, but all I can feel or see right now is red. 

**TLDR: ** on the anniversary of my last suicide attempt/also v-day, my FP spends an hour on the computer during our date night and I feel like my head is going to explode.