I really don’t want to self-diagnose myself and I’m actually scared of the word “depressed”. But I don’t think this is only sadness.

I’ve been struggling so much over the years: I always have to be around people bc if not I get stuck in my own head and when I’m alone I feel like I just want to leave. I feel like there’s no getting better I will never escape. I’m pretty sure this is related to my childhood trauma though and that is also why I don’t really understand this. Bc let’s say I’m dealing with depression, but for me it’s not that I phisically can’t get out of bed or can’t shower or drink/eat. I just seriously want to die. Like everyday. 

It first started at 8 years old when my mom died and well at that time I wanted to kill myself everyday. The pain was unbearable for me and this continued until like I was 12 years old. After that I felt like there’s hope and I started to enjoy life a little again. But after I turned 13 I had been sexually assaulted continously by my father and I think since then my brain had damaged. There was a time in 9th grade when I have buried this whole thing in myself and just tried not to think about it. It worked until 10th grade when I had my first heartbreak and I think that triggered or awakened me I rly don’t know and since then I can’t bury this memory. It’s not that I want to, now I know I shouldn’t and I have to go to a therapist at some point. I just can’t go yet bc I’m underage (17) and if I tell them about my SA they definitely will have to call the guardianship office (sry Idk how to say that in english). And yeah I don’t need more trouble. The SA stopped at some point so I’m safe now. 

I just feel like there is no way out. I want to die everyday, I just want people to forget me but I can’t kill myself bc that will cause trauma to my friends and bf and I can’t do that I just want to disappear and don’t want to feel this pain anymore. 

I will go to a therapist but I just can’t at the moment but I will. So that’s why I’m writing here: What do you guys who suffer from depression think? What is wrong with me? This is just sadness on a high level or...? Am I depressed?