For a year, i have been gaslighting myself, telling myself that my feelings towards my SO, not talking to me for days, ignoring when we are together was my own fear of abandonment.

 When my SO seems somewhat critical or dismissive of my needs, i would tell myself its my HUGE FEAR OF ABANDONMENT that is causing my irrationality. Say i want to watch an arty film. He would say the chairs of the theatre are awful. Or he would prefer to do something else that he wanted to do. Sometimes he would brush me off when i approached him for sex. Stuff like that. As time went on I realised he was being unnecessarily distant. Something clicked and I made him do an attachment style quiz. I know its not a legit diagnosis but damn he came out as avoidant style!!

I checked with a "baseline" relationship to be sure, two neurotypicals (as far as i know) long term committed couple. They were not clingy but they did not neglect each others needs. They respected boundaries, sometimes crossed it, fought, made up. They ENJOYED spending time with each other and find comfort in each other

My SO finds comfort in work. He likes to compartmentalise his time with me to just a 1 or 2 days a week. Outside of those two days. ALMOST ZERO COMMUNICATION. Tbh if his car crashed, i wouldnt know. Thats not normal. 

But after some careful evaluation, i realise I have been gaslighting myself, justifying his behaviour while vilifying mine. As a result, I desperately tried to please him. I  was so pathetic honestly. I had sex when i didnt want to (cuz who can get horny when you are fearing abandonment...) I suppressed my emotions when he responds with just 'k' when i ask him how is his day going. I said to myself "he is just busy stop acting like he is going to abandon you" when he doesnt reply texts. 

I am not saying this applies to everyone with BPD, sometimes we do exhibit our symptoms strongly and it ruins our relationships..

How do we tell when its legit? And when you are just gaslighting yourself. 