Idk how much more I can take. I wanna be alone. I want to got to the darkest place there is and just fade away. I’m depressed and I have no one to blame but myself. I hate myself I try my best to keep appearances up. Act like I’m happy. Like I’m ok. Act like I don’t have the thoughts and urge to end it all. Life is miserable I’m miserable I hate it. Hating yourself is the worst feelings there is. But I don’t deserve to love or be loved. I’m not a good person. I’m not what everyone expected and want me to be. I’m just a weak person that doesn’t know if I have the strength to keep going on. The only thing that stops me is my family. How would they feel. Could the cope with me taking my life? Would they feel the same thing I’m feeling now if I left this world? Would they blame themselves saying they should’ve did more? I’m just so tired… I want it to be over. I don’t want to suffer like this. No matter what I try I can’t pull myself out of this hell. I can’t socialize. I can’t work out. I can’t commit to anything I have no energy to bring myself back up. I’m drowing.. it gets harder to breath with each passing day. Am I even worth it? My death wouldn’t affect this world whatsoever.  Only a few be would care. But idk if my feelings for them outweighs the desire to stop feeling like this. It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts over and over again it hurts. I just want it to stop. I want the tears to stop falling. I want the pain to go away. I want my heart to stop hurting. I want to be happy. I want to live.  I wish I could just vanish with no one noticing. If I get everyone to hate me the way I hate myself would it be easier to disappear? I disappointed myself. I let myself down I said I wouldn’t come back here. I said I would be better. I said I would work on myself. I failed. I always fail. Anything or anyone I’m around gets fucked up. It’s like I’m cursed. Never to be happy. How much longer. How much longer do I have to go through this . How much more can I take? How many more failures until I give up… I don’t see the end of the suffering it feels like there’s only one way out and that decision is getting closer and closer. I hate it. I don’t know if I can keep the act up. I don’t know if I can go on. I don’t know if I can live up to the expectations. Deep down I don’t want to. I just want everything to be over with. Eternal sleep sounds good. No tears. No emotions.No feelings. No thoughts. No pain. No expectations. No more acts or mask. No more eating myself up from the inside. No fighting. No starving. No Nothing.  it sounds  appealing.