Over the years I have learned to love myself and I do have a strong sense of self without a partner. As someone with high functioning BPD, I very much learned to be independent and prideful. Having many friendships and careers that are successful. 

I was doing well. I still had splitting problems in relationships but, other than that I was high functioning. Decent romantic/friend relationships too. Really worked on myself in therapy and has a successful career at a young age making 6 figures.

Until my mother chose to lose her life to alcohol. This enraged my BPD. I went on 1.5 year episode (because i experienced the most extreme abandonment) at times almost coming out of it. Then slipping back and binge drinking my life away. I wasn’t drinking all the time or dependent on it. When i did drink tho a few times a week. My binge drinking (blackout) was to self harm and made my BPD so noticeable. I was attracting (becoming addicted) to men that were addicts and abusive to not just themselves but, me. Doing such reckless behavior (i couldn’t control myself), I never psychically harmed anyone but, myself in this episode. I would split so badly when drunk and say horrible things. When I got into my second relationship that was not good. He was an alcoholic and he mirrored npd symptoms when drinking or in withdrawals. Then he was triggering me so badly, that i would drink so much worse than before.  Sometimes blacking out 3 times a week. I blacked out so bad one day that I pushed my best friend, the day I was supposed to move back to New York from LA. 


I decided then and there to save myself. I had to check myself into rehab. Call my boyfriend and tell him I love him. I will never talk to him again (changing number) because of his behavior in addiction. I called all my friends and told them I am going sober an i am not sure when i will talk to them again. Called my dad and told him that if I don’t change myself now I will become an alcoholic because I’m on the border. Or I will end up staying with on these really toxic men. 


Wish me luck! I am going sober and taking a handle on my BPD. I chose to save my life. I hope this helps someone.