Hi all,

This is my favorite community so I hope this is okay to post here. My life is constantly controlled by my bipolar. 

I’ve been in a manic phase for almost a week now. Only being out of my last manic phase for about 2 days. I’m rapid cycling. Before that last manic phase was a 4 week mixed episode. I’m a mess. I started lithium last week as a second mood stabilizer. Hoping to stabilize soon. 

My son was diagnosed with autism. I’ve known he was different his entire life. I’ve always thought autism was a possibility. I worked with kids with autism from like 10-24 years old on and off(I’m 30). So I know what autism looks like and how it’s different in each child. I picked up on his symptoms a long long time ago. No doctors would listen to me. They all said it was possible but he seems too “normal” around other people because of masking. He is incredibly intelligent and masks SO good that only I can really tell that he’s not himself. So finally having this diagnosis, when things have gotten so bad that other people can notice now, means that I’m heard, they see it now. So the validation feels good. 

So why can’t I process this? Why do I feel so heavy? This doesn’t change everything. Sure, I have a lot to do to get him the resources he needs. But I can’t help but feel heavy. I can’t move past it. I think I’m mostly overwhelmed with figuring out his schooling and the resources he needs to get at school. I have a lot of calls to make and don’t really know where to begin. 

I absolutely love this kid exactly how he is. He’s funny, goofy, caring, kind, SO smart. I could go on. So this diagnosis doesn’t change how I feel about him or how he is or anything. It just helps us understand him even more. 

I just wish I was stable enough to process this. I don’t get why I can’t. Writing this helped.