I got fired a bit ago for breaking down. In a back room i hit my head against a wall and shouted fuck just in immense panic frustration relating to stressful life events. I did it away from people and immediately left to calm down. Not saying I'm in the right just saying that doesn't seem a fire-able offense. It's especially difficult because my and my SO just moved into our first apartment together. It's taken all of my strength not to wallow and kind of decay into the matress. Applying for jobs- following up- interviews- house keeping stuff- straightening out drivers license stuff I didn't get done, but there's so much time? I still do so much nothing and even though im doing things I feel like I'm only appearing productive on the surface? Like no matter how productive I make a day I still feel like I didn't do shit because I'm "inherently lazy and worthless" or so I can't stop telling myself. Any way so I've been smoking a LOOOOOOOOOOOT of marijuana. I'm basically stoned af from like 25 minutes after I wake up to the moment I've smoked so much I'm couch locked and fall asleep. When I'm not doing something "important" or "productive" or "real" I just distract myself with Netflix and tumblr and Reddit and I'm never not putting content in my face. So when my SO gets home I'm just ~stoned and zoned~ i don't notice it near as much when I'm alone but with the added element of another person It's suddenly obvious how removed I am and how unreal I feel. I can barely interact with her. No matter how much we come in contact, touch, converse, I feel far away from her and she feels lifeless. So it's at the point other people don't feel real. Wtf am I doing