This is my first post and it’s going to be pretty long so bear with me. I’m 21 and I’m an aircraft mechanic in the Air Force who was just diagnosed with BPD about two to three months ago. Getting diagnosed helped me a lot with understanding why I am the way that I am. I’m currently in the process of getting a medical discharge from the military because I was hospitalized in inpatient facilities 3 times in the second half of 2020 and they’re deeming me unfit for duty. 

I’ve been abandoned by everyone in my life except for my one friend from high school and a friend I have who’s also in the military but I feel like it’s just a matter of time before they leave too. I can’t keep going through this. I was talking to this girl for a week and a half and we hung out every single one of those days, and I get attached super easily because I cling onto any sort of affection, which I’m sure comes with BPD (I’m still learning about it). Within that week and a half she definitely became my FP and she seemed like the perfect person for me. On Friday she told me she doesn’t think it’d be healthy if we dated because she also has BPD and she said that we both need to learn better ways to cope. I felt like her also having BPD would be better because she could understand more what I’m going through but I guess she didn’t agree. This obviously crushed me because I felt abandoned once again by a FP and it’s so fucking painful. She said she wasn’t gonna abandon me because she understands how it feels and she sat with me for a while when I broke down after she told me that. She still messages me sometimes but it’s not the same. She also just got back with her ex this past weekend who treated her like shit and I just want her to be treated right plus that made things extra hard on me. 

Obviously this was really hard but this triggered a bunch of other stuff as well. Like it made me feel like I’m undeserving of love and I’ll never be able to be loved. I don’t think I’ve ever actually felt love but I do believe in it because of how I love. I feel like its very unlikely but I want to find someone who can love the same way I do. I thought it would be this girl because from what I can tell she loves the same way but I guess it’s not. A big reason why I feel that I’ll never feel love is because I don’t know if I could ever be with someone without BPD because they won’t understand what I’m going through and most of my past relationships have ended and I’ve been abandoned due to me being clingy or they think I’m overreacting over something. I’m really not sure if I could do it because having this disorder always pushes people away. Apparently I can’t be with someone with BPD either because it’d be too toxic. I feel like I’m just destined to be alone forever which I definitely cannot handle. 

I’ve hated myself for a while but I feel like this triggered me to hate myself even more because it made me hate that I have this mental illness, even more then I did before. It’s ruined almost every relationship I’ve been in because it’ll cause me to be too clingy or overreact over minor things (like getting left on read or ignored), and it ruined the chance of this one because she didn’t think it’d be healthy since we both have it. I also tried having sex with this girl and I couldn’t perform. My doctor said the ED was most likely due to a combination of the medications and the mental health issues. They prescribed me Viagra which really fucking sucks because I’m 21, I feel like I shouldn’t need to take that. The girl I was talking to was very understanding and accepting of it but it just makes me hate myself and the mental illnesses I have even more. I hate myself for it every single day and I can’t ever imagine it getting better. I can’t envision the future at all, especially not a future where I’d feel happy because I can’t remember the last time I felt genuine happiness, it’s definitely been many years. I should be getting discharged from the military within 6 months and I have no clue what I’m gonna do because I didn’t really expect to live this long and I’m still not really sure if I’ll still be alive at that point.

I literally don’t know what to do. This happened Friday and I’ve been very suicidal ever since. Not just because I got abandoned by a FP again (that was a big part of it) but because of the other things it triggered as well. There have been times within the past few days where the suicidal thoughts weren’t as bad as others but for the most part it’s been consistently bad and I’m so very close to just giving up. I’ve been suicidal every single day since July 2020 but it was usually only for a short period of time besides the times I ended up in the hospital. It’s just continuing to get worse and the past few days have been really bad. 

I can’t even do my job effectively because I’m in so much emotional pain and I don’t know what to do. That’s really hard on me because it makes me feel extremely useless. I’m also afraid it’s gonna be the same at my next job after the military and it’ll end up getting me fired. 

I’m on two different anti depressants (450mg Wellbutrin and 150mg Zoloft) as well as 10mg Adderall since I just got diagnosed with ADHD, I’ve been doing therapy for a year and a half and I was hospitalized 3 times but all of that literally has done nothing for me. They’re taking about prescribing me a mood stabilizer which I’m willing to try if it’ll help even a little bit because I can’t keep living like this. 

I’ve thought about going to a therapist who specializes in BPD where I can do DBT because that’s the only thing I can think of that’d possibly help but I’d have to pay for it out of pocket because the military doesn’t cover it and the military therapists aren’t really doing anything for me. I know BPD is incurable but it’s possible to learn how to cope with it. It scares me that I’m going to be struggling with this for the rest of my life. I’ve heard learning to cope with BPD can take years even with putting a lot of effort into it. That also terrifies me because I can’t go that long while still feeling like this and it makes me really want to give up. 

I’m just so done with everything, like I said in the title I’ve been suicidal for the past 5 days nonstop and there’s nothing that’s helping. I’ve tried distracting myself by listening to music, working on my cars, and driving around but nothing is working. I so badly want to just give up so because I can’t live with this pain anymore but I’m so scared that I’m going to fail and end up back in the hospital since that just makes things worse because I feel trapped.

I don’t know if anything can be done and I feel like it can’t but if anyone has any ideas please let me know. I apologize for such a long post but I don’t really have anyone to go to for actual help and I can’t keep going on like this and continuing to get abandoned. I just don’t know what to do.