TW for suicide before we get going.

I’ve been mentally unwell for the best part of my 22 years of life. Recently, it’s reached a head: I attempted suicide last year by cutting my wrists and stabbing myself (yet somehow this didn’t merit inpatient care), I’ve cut off a lot of people- including family, I’ve gone from a U.K. size 10 down to barely a size 6 (I only weigh 47kg) due to a cycle of binging and restricting food, and now I’ve been signed off work for two weeks cause I can’t take the pressure anymore. My life is in ruins. I’m broke, I’m wasting away, I’m so depressed all I do is sleep and drink alcohol. 

So I’ve been to my GP a couple times to ask for medication. I’ve been in therapy since July last year and if anything it’s made me worse. Both doctors I’ve seen refuse to prescribe me even SSRIs, and have referred me for talking therapy again. I’m sick and tired of this. I need medical intervention, I can’t function the way I am now and it’s pushing me into a very dark place. Like what’s the point? I’m a poor, emaciated, substance abusing fuck up with no friends and now no job. I’m gonna lose my flat and be forced to move back to my rural hometown, where there is no career prospects or people my age.

I thought doctors loved handing out meds, but clearly when it comes to someone who actually needs them they’re reluctant. Neither of them have told me why they won’t prescribe them. I’m done with talking therapy, it’s futile. Everyday of being untreated that goes by is just more and more wasted time, time I could be spending going to work, the gym, not having a panic attack as soon as I step outside. 

I’m just so pissed off with what my life has become, I’ve made another appointment for tomorrow with yet another doctor. But I still don’t think I’m going to get what I need.