I feel like I can never do enough right to be loved by people. I don't have friends. I've never had them. Earliest I can remember, is when I started getting laughed at and shunned from groups of friends at school for being fat. It didn't bother me at that time. I always thought I'll find my people. But growing up slowly I was shunned by a group in my locality. Everywhere I went, I was never included anywhere. My dad is domestically violent and hit my mom pretty often when I was a child. They fight continuously, verbally abuse one another and says to me that this is what a marriage is essentially. So I shouldn't be upset about these things. My sister went very violent as she grew up. She is the better student. So since childhood, she has " disciplined " me into studying properly by constantly abusing me, making me feel less, controlling my every move, not ever letting me go out with friends and if I ever did she would complain to our mom and she would abuse me more. my sister would take revenges on me if I didn't listen to her. She has constantly told me growing up that I can never be anything in life. I can never do great things. And she is proud of how she behaved with me all these years even after growing up. My parents has constantly discouraged me to ever have any kind of dreams and strictly want me to follow whatever they want. Even if I do, it's never enough for them. They even tell me that I shouldn't be depressed, it's them who are depressed because I'm not a better daughter.
Its been 4 years I've completely stopped socializing with people. I never had any permanent friends. I have stopped singing. My voice cracks up everytime I try. I'm excessively overweight creating health problems. I've cut my long hair to boy-cut several times now. I don't like wearing new clothes. I just wear one outfit everyday. I know I'm not going to slit my wrist or anything. Because I have always been scared. But this life has felt dead for a long time.now. I see other people and I can't comprehend what I did so wrong in my life that I was handed these cards. Every time I meet a new person I just want to keep telling them how miserable I am. Everything else in the world feels extremely difficult, strangers be rude for no reason. I find it extremely difficult to navigate through life or understand its meaning or the pursuit of happiness.
I see everyone else occupied with their fashion sense, boyfriends and the little things about life and I cry out in despair cause I can't feel anything like that. Everything feels so despicable. I feel broken. And every time I see happy families, better friendships, siblings support systems, I cry and cry. And I can't stop crying. Everyday, every hour. Exhausted and tired. My brain feels numb.