Hey... I just wanted to post my experiences in hopes of seeking an ounce of hope right now.

So I had a pretty crappy childhood I guess... My parents were never supportive emotionally (this is still them). So I basically have no parents. Undiagnosed but one has BPD traits and the other has quiet NPD traits. I was always a sad kid and have had vivid nightmares, fears of abandonment and no self esteem for as long as I remember. I lost my grandmother at an early age (3) due to her mental health issues and I considered her to be my actual mum. I didn't get over this until around the time I had my first major suicidal episode at 14. I always struggled with relationships and discarded people as soon as I felt rejected. I had abusive boyfriends and experienced a lot of sexual trauma since 15. I ended up having two kids as a teen (unplanned and due to unconsentual sex). I have been in and out of therapy etc. Since 14. I have tried MBT, CBT, DBT, ACT, EMDR, Family therapy, Play therapy and other counseling techniques. I have been on meds on and off and have attempted suicide before but no one cared enough to take me to hospital. During that time I've engaged in substance abuse, self harm, poor eating habits (or none at all), over spending, promiscuity and other terrible coping mechanisms. Basically just self sabotaging myself over and over again. Now I've been formally diagnosed with MDD, GAD, PTSD, RAD, ADHD and a "chronic mood disorder". I have gone to so many specialists for somantic symptoms during this time and never really get anywhere with that... I am now 25 and during a recent holiday I found out my sister (22F) attempted suicide and my family didn't think it was important enough to tell me (she was just "attention seeking"). Now we both want to get tested for BPD and BD once and for all but we have mentioned it to therapists in the past and keep getting told it's not in our favour to get this done due to the stigma etc. (they told me I have the traits but it's better to leave it alone). But honestly I can't do this anymore. How many suicide attempts does it take to get them to help you out once and for all. They keep discharging me as soon as I'm less likely to kill myself and then another event happens and I'm back here again. I don't want to fight this anymore. I just want to know it's not all in my head and that I can access the treatment that will be most appropriate. I don't know if anyone else can relate... but I'm just hoping for even an ounce of hope here. Right now I'm on meds again for anxiety and depression and am seeing a lady for DBT. I have also bought some workbooks and other books to use on my own. I also have some apps but I'm not very diligent at doing my self help homework cause I feel like it may never get better. I feel like I'm in a real rut at the moment. Anyway I joined this subreddit because I've identified with BPD since I was 18 or 19 but I just can't get them to give me a yes or no answer... I don't want someone to try and tell me what I do or don't have. But any support here would be appreciated. 

Thanks for reading my super long post.😅