I don't want to make this long and I really want to help, hope this is the right place. 

I have been depressed for a very long time since I was probably 14 or so, that's when I first understood that something is wrong with me ( I am 26 now) , but I managed to push through it and push through all the disappointments and all the bad things that happened, I never told my family until recently and I have just told my sisters.. (I went to get therapy but I didn't continue with it each time) , but 5 years ago I had a boyfriend who gaslighted me a lot ( only learned that after we broke up) and he sexually used me even though I didn't consent to it, I would say no but he would still do it anyway.. it wasn't like sex or anything but, some things that I didn't want to do and that made me exhausted a lot mentally.. he would say hurtful things and humiliate me and I loved him so much that I kept on going and I hate myself for that.. there was a lot of other traumatic things that now even after years I don't feel the same even though I was depressed even back then. 

now with my current boyfriend, I can't show emotions anymore, I can't express my thoughts and I can't communicate when I get anxious, my mind goes blank and I feel numb.  like I love him so much but when I want to say it, I feel nothing and I can't even say it to him, I feel numb and empty. when I try to talk to him or even friends, I can't even speak for more than 15 min, then I'm zoned out, only a shell of a person, I can't think at all and all I want to do is sleep.. even at work, one moment I want to work but then for days I'm disassociated from everything and I can bearly think.. I have so much more that I want to say but I don't want to make this long.. 

can someone help me understand what is going on with me.. why am I like this? am I a fraud? am I emotionless? why do I feel like I care and I love but then I am just empty and numb ... as if my mind is protecting me from this world..