I applied for a Bachelor of Arts. Correct me if I'm wrong about the logistics - I'm a dumbass. I applied for a Bachelor of Arts at two separate universities. One of those universities was originally my top choice for a Bachelor of science. They have a better science program. It made no sense for me to apply to their Bachelor of Arts program but I did and I was drunk and that's just something that happened. 

Anyway because I have this beautiful, lovely little brain, I am now back to thinking I can't do a Bachelor of Arts and must instead do a Bachelor of science. So I am panicking, for the amount I spent on applications, as well as for applying to the university I actually wanted to go to with the wrong fucking program choice. 

I hate myself so much. 

In a moment of panic last week, I saw that an arts university I had NEVER been interested in going to was closing their major entrance scholarship applications on the 10th. So what did I do? I CONTACTED EVERYONE I HAD INTENDED TO USE AS A REFERENCE WITH THE EMAIL HEADLINE "scholarship reference application (deadline Jan 10)" ASKING THEM IF THEY WOULD WRITR A REFERENCE FOR ME FOR A VERY SPECIFIC PROGRAM. I SAID "this is the only program I'm applying to" AND THEY, GRACIOUSLY, WROTE REFERENCES FORME THAT SPECIFICALLY MENTIONED THIS PROGRAM WITH ONLY 2 DAYS NOTICE. NOW I CAN'T EVEN USE THEM FOR A DIFFERENT PROGRAM UNLESS I WANT TO EMAIL THEM BACK AND BE EVEN MORE OF AN INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE. 


not only did I make a stupid impulsive decision, but I involved other people in my panic - people that I value and respect and have never ever shown my crazy side to. These people think I have anxiety and depression, but that's all. They think I am a good person with mild mental health issues. They don't know how bad off I really am. That I would fuck this all up for no reason because I have no impulse control. 


And to make matters worse, I got really fucking sick because i had a bad reaction to lamotrigine. Turns out that stuff about the rash thing is actually legit and I had to go to the stupid hospital. 

I don't know what to do. How the hell can I have a future if I'm willing to sabotage it at the last second like this? I'm so, so dumb. What can I even do to fix this? 

