TW: Mention of self-harm, alcohol, weed, and abuse 




Hi, I'm so glad I found this community! 

Just a little background before I get into the good stuff. I was diagnosed during a stay in a Crisis Stabilization Unit (CSU) in February of 2021. I was struggling with a myriad of problems, the main problem being my recurrent suicidal thoughts/gestures. BUT that seems to have gotten better, now that I am no longer with my ex. 

So... the FP. I'll call him "Clark" for the purposes of this post. Clark and I met in Head Start. For those of you who may not know, Head Start is the equivalent of preschool for poor kids. Anyway, Clark also has CP. I took to him like glue, and we were inseparable during Head Start. The fact that he used a walker or crutches to get around didn't put me off at all. In fact, on days we got to play with the wagons, I'd push him around no problem. 

Clark and I remained friends until he moved away in second grade. When I found out he was moving away, I was devastated. It was the first time I had known true sadness. I remember it vividly. I was sitting with my papaw at his tool shop in the flea market. My mom ran into his mom, and she broke the news to me. I took it so hard. 

Clark and I met again sophomore year of high school. We had two or three classes together, and we just happened to sit by each other. We would casually talk about school stuff and all that, but eventually we would talk so much WE'D GET IN TROUBLE FOR TALKING AND GIGGLING. Y'all. We are both normally shy and timid people. We never got in trouble for talking in the past, either of us. 

Clark and I eventually exchanged email addresses and spent lots of time after school on yahoo messenger together. We'd watch Smallville (hence why I've dubbed him Clark for this post), and we'd exchange music video links for each other to watch. It was pure bliss. 

Junior year rolled around, and we lucked out. We had two classes together. We sat next to each other in both classes. However, not all was sunshine and rainbows. My mom was dating a man who lived four and a half hours away. My mom decided he was the one and that she wanted to get married and move away. I broke the news to Clark, and he grew distant from me. This broke my heart. By this point, it was obvious I had feelings for him. So I spent a lot of time crying, listening to sad music, and thinking about him. 

So mid-junior year, I moved away. We still talked occasionally on yahoo messenger but I still felt like he had kinda forgotten about me. 

Fast forward to college. I wasn't happy with the school I chose, because it turned out to be a party school. I wasn't about that, so I ended up transferring to the school where he was. For context, Clark and I started talking again while I was in college, and I confessed my feelings for him. He said he felt the same way. So my unhappiness with the school I was at AND the feelings factor played into my decision to transfer. 

So, I got to Clark's school, and he was partying hot and heavy. He decided he liked his freedom and didn't want to commit to anyone. So I moved on, and I ended up with my now-ex. 

I didn't talk to Clark much while I was dating my ex, who I'll call, "Fred." Fred was mentally and sexually abusive. I had an incident where I had self-harmed while drunk and drunk-texted Clark about it. Clark tried to console me and wasn't upset or mad or anything. But, in my brain, I assumed he would be and avoided him for over a year and a half. 

Then, one day, I got to thinking about Clark and decided to text him. He was happy to hear from me. We ended up talking somewhat more regularly after that. 

One night, I smoked weed for the first time with a good friend I made at work. My friend had fallen asleep, and I got a little bored. So, in my still-high state, I told Clark I loved him, with the clarification that it was in a platonic way. Clark said he loved me too... platonically. 

I wasn't always the best at keeping up communication with Clark. I was still with Fred, and it was always one incident after another with him. But when I was at the CSU, we were allowed to have our phones. And I'd call Clark every once in a while. 

Since then, Clark and I have talked almost every single day. And that was a year ago. I have feelings for Clark again, but I'm also wondering if it's a favorite person thing. Could it be both? 

Clark has already made it clear that he does not want a relationship with anyone. However, we have this long-distance FWB thing going on. It makes me wonder if he has feelings but just doesn't want to act on them because of the distance thing. 

Anyway... this was a long post. Thank you for reading it. 🥰