Title really says it all.

I was out with some friends last night and one, an older one of the group, of them asked if myself and another friend if we felt like we were missing out on other young adults get to experience due to COVID making everything crazy. 

My one friend said they felt like they were missing out on "making stupid mistakes" and that they'd have liked to have a master's degree by now. Another friend said he felt like he would have liked to have more work put into his business and be closer to supporting himself. 

I said that I didn't really feel like I was missing out on anything. But I lied. 

I feel like I've missed out on everything. I'm 25. Since graduating college I have been unable to get a full-time job. I've been basically living off of income from Uber and Instacart for two years. I would have wanted to go back to school but I can't afford it, so I'm not working towards anything. 

But more than those things, I feel like I've failed to grow and take off. If I had a job with benefits I'd be in therapy, I'd be medicated. I'd be able to get help for my trauma and maybe start to work past my terrible self-esteem. I would have a relationship with something, rather than being 25 and having never even been on a date or kissed anyone.

Instead, I am here. Depressed, suicidal, self hating. I am so disgusted with my body that I can't even consider dating. I am certainy body is what's keeping me from getting hired anywhere. 

I hate it. I spend most of the time wanting to crawl out of my own skin and toss it in the trash. I struggle with making new friends because *why* would anybody want to spend time with me? Answer; they wouldn't. I don't bring anything to the table. I'm useless. 

I can't remember the last time I didn't feel like an utter failure.