Hello. I’m a 15 year old girl who is suspecting she quite possibly could have BPD. Now I know what you’re all thinking.. “Great, another angsty teen self-diagnoser.” But I really just want to hear the perspective, thoughts, and opinions of people officially diagnosed with BPD of what could be going on with me, whether it’s BPD or not. A few years ago I was diagnosed with DMDD but after researching the symptoms, I think it may have been misdiagnosed. I have many if not all symptoms of BPD which I will explain below. Hear me out:

1. Explosive Anger. This is something I’ve experienced my whole life and something that has caused me, my family and friends trouble. I tend to get angry quickly, sometimes over little things. I get violent. I throw items, break items, self harm, and sometimes physically attack people (last weekend I attacked my dad and now he has a 2 deep cuts in his cheek.) Last year, I was sent by the police to the psych ER because I drew a knife at myself and my parents and became actively suicidal and aggressive. If I’m not violent, I can be very cold and say painful things to anyone. 

2. Relationship issues. This is also something I’ve had to deal with for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I would tend to get very jealous and vengeful whenever the spotlight wasn’t on me (I have very vivid memories of doing this at birthday parties, lol.) I also have some borderline traumatic memories from my mother, who used to have alcohol issues, that have to do with being repeatedly abandoned. Nowadays, I am very very suspicious of my loved ones and how much they care about me, every day to the point where I’m seen as “toxic” and too controlling. Whenever I feel abandoned, (yes, feel, because there’s not always proof of it) I lash out in harsh ways, such as threatening to beat up somebody who is “stealing ___ from me, becoming violent, and belittling and bullying those who I fear may hate me, and becoming suicidal. Which only makes things worse, and it has caused a lot of trouble with close relationships.

3. Self Image. I will admit, I have a superiority complex. There are times when I think I’m better than everyone and I’m not always ashamed to admit it. and I don’t know how to get rid of it, but I don’t really want to either. However, that can shift a lot. Sometimes, usually after a bad event, I hate myself, blame myself entirely, and become suicidal, such as an event that happened today. 

4. Impulsive behavior. Although I am an analytical person by nature and I like to think through things, there are times where I can be pretty impulsive, especially when I’m upset or when I’m in a heightened emotional state. My impulsive behaviors include self harm, running away, running into the street while cars are moving, Skipping school, Violent behavior, Drinking, (drinking is a new one) and honestly, random things that are “weird” and “disruptive” according to my friends and family. 

5. Mood Swings. There are times when I experience mood swings that I can tell are just a normal part of puberty. But sometimes these mood swings can be intense and out of nowhere. I can wake up very depressed one day and later on I’ll be hyper energetic to the point where I’m impulsive or sometimes suicidal. This has happened a lot more recently, in the past year or so.

6. Emptiness. This is a problem with me that consumes me everyday. I am always bored. I am always unsatisfied, and it seems like nothing will ever fill that void. I want to experience something, but when I do. I still feel the same afterwards. It makes me feel excruciatingly hopeless. Because of this I turn to impulsive or destructive behaviors to myself or others. I could rant about this for hours here but I don’t wanna do that.

7. Out of touch with reality. This is something that has been bothering me for a few years, but it seems to be getting worse. I remember when I was 12, I described the feeling to my therapist as “a strange monster thats blurry and I can’t make out what it looks like.” When I’m like this, I have trouble remembering things, making out words, trouble cognitively overall. I space out and forget my identity, where I am, if anything is even real. It’s a bad feeling that leaves me tired and suspicious.

8. Depression. In late 2017-early 2018, I was severely depressed. I could not function in school or at home. I couldn’t take care if myself anymore and I even attempted suicide. Thankfully I am over that, but some if the effects still linger. The main thing depression-wise that I struggle with the most is motivational issues, especially with school. It’s stressful considering the fact that I used to be a straight-A student.

9. Anxiety. I get this from my dad. My whole life I’ve had some anxiety problems, but it started getting bad around 2018, when I had my first panic attack. I went to the hospital because of it and the doctor told me I was experiencing. Since then, I’ll have times where my flight or fight response will activate for no reason, which leads me to be MORE anxious and wanting to know whats happening to my body.. its an endless cycle that seems like it will never end. My anxiety is usually health related. 

10. Other habits that are related to BPD-
     • Promiscuity. This may be a normal teenage thing, but I am a very sexual person. I am known at home and at school to dress provocatively. When I am in a sexual mood I have even become physically aggressive. I have sexual fantasies that have caused me trouble with relationships and with school. I have also been masturbating since a very young age which I recently found out wasn’t normal, lol..
    • Strange Triggers/Habits. This may be related to some other underlying thing, but this has caused me a lot of stress, and they have my entire life. As a small child, I would excessively wash my hands until they became red and the skin was very irritated. I would also hate being in the presence of certain people for no reason at all. I hated certain words for no reason and I avoided saying them. I also used to have a problem with certain sensations, like wearing jeans and socks (which I still have a small problem with.). According to my parents, I would sometimes have sensory overloads as a baby and a toddler. In more recent years, I still have some odd triggers. Wearing collared shirts is hell. I repeatedly try to avoid the collar from going above my shirt, which causes me to be stiff all day, leading to bad neck pain and headaches (thank god I’m not private schooled anymore.) I am also very sensitive to small noises people make (Lip smacking, breathing, etc.) which I have school accommodations for. There’s a lot more to this but I can’t type it all out.


So let me know what you all think! I have an appointment with a new psychiatrist this April to talk about new medication and hopefully a new diagnosis. I’d like to know if yall think this is BPD, or something else similar, or nothing at all. Thanks! (Also sorry that this is such a long read!)