Ok so I have suffered from a myriad of mental illnesses most of my life that culminate into different symptoms, one of the biggies being extreme anxiety. All my life I have been trying to curtail it in order to live a relatively "normal" less dramatic life. I was proud of myself for landing a job for almost 6 years now in food service where I have been a manager for more than a year.  Three things have landed me in the position I'm in now, which I'll get to. They are; COVID, the increase in responsibility and stress at work, and a recent medication change. 

Where I am now is...obnoxious and debilitating. I had a major panic attack (first one in almost 3 years) and left work for the first time ever. The next time I tried to work I had yet another panic attack. The idea of coming back into work made me nauseated so I was sent home and have been in limbo ever since. It's been less than a week of me not working, I am contacting my therapist/psychiatrist/friends/family because I'm not thinking quite rationally and they all said I should go to an outpatient psychiatric program. I want to, but I contacted the hospital today and said it would be about another 3 weeks to be admitted into the program and then it would be at least a 4 week program. So I have a decision to make. I want to work, however when I have anxiety like this I become unpredictable and I am realistically afraid that if I go to work I will either have another meltdown or I will lash out at a customer/co-worker (my anxiety manifests itself into intense anger). But if I don't go to work for 2 months I have to not only tell my boss (which I am absolutely petrified of doing) but risk a) getting fired (also terrifying) and/or b) having them be mad at me/judgmental and c) what if I'm faking all of it?! What if I'm just doing this for attention and/or I'm just lazy and don't want to work anymore. Ok, that's the anxiety talking, I know I am not doing that, but that voice is very loud right now and I am frozen. 

Because of my illnesses, I have always worked my ass off to hold down a steady job and not complain about it. The illness is front and center now and not only am I embarrassed, but I care for my co-workers and bosses (they have been very good to me in the past and one of them said that my health is more important than the job but technically they have to say that, right?). 

Basically...I want validation and/or if I'm making a huge mistake for someone to tell me so. If I take the two months off will my co-workers and bosses hate me/fire me/think I'm lazy and is it justified? Or am I being weak and should I just go to work and hope I don't do something harmful/embarrassing that also hurts me in the process. 

And then, if I do decide to do the two months...I cannot express how terrified I am to do so. To tell them. I can't. Even if it's the best course of action how do I even deal with the fear? 

TLDR; I am an frozen in anxiety over whether to take mental health leave from work or to stay even though I know it won't be good for me but at least I won't be weak.