Since yesterday I'm feeling like everyone and everything is slipping away from my reach, that I can't be enough to mantain and sustain them... I try and try and try but in the end I know people don't like me and I'm not enough. I know it's probably not true and it's also self centered, but I just can't stop thinking about it, and especially FEELING it. My stomach aches, my body is numb, my head is fading away in thin air, I feel slowed down and like I'm slipping away phisically and mentally, in a moment I was also afraid I could die out of nowhere, and I still tremble at the though of it. I don't know, like if my brain could turn off... But maybe I'm just delusional. Not that I never wanted to die, but lately I was feeling better and now everything returned and I'm afraid that will could return... I'm also starting to think about hurting myself again... As mostly every day I also got drunk this morning and felt better for a while, then I came down and felt miserable, and now I'm here. Last night I was in despair because I just wanted hug someone special and cry, but there is really no one, and I felt alone again. There is this girl that I could see but she keeps hurting me and it disgusts me only thinking about seeing or talking ti her. And this other girl that I like but probably doesn't feel the same, and I know her not so much and it would be pathetic to seek help from her, and also probably uncomfortable and inappropriate... But I just want it, I want to hug her, I want her to hug me, I want to cry and cry and cry until I don't have nothing inside anymore... But I just can't... I hope this is just a phase, I can't take none of it anymore. I'd like to talk to someone but people around me always dismiss everything I say and feel. I'd like to have a special friend... 
I just wanted to express these things but I don't know why. Maybe it's just egoism, I don't know. I just want to feel good, to feel like a person...