Hi, i would really like to get some perpektive and or advice (or just plain shared experiences) from some people here. I, a 24 year old male, have been diagnosed with bpd traits about over a year ago. This was while i was having the worst crisis in my live, was on the verge of burnout and it lead to me taking myself out of everything that was affecting me in a bad way (mainly my college education in another country, that i have grown up in) and moving back in my hometown. The last year was the most intense of my life. I think it also was the best i ever had, even though it also contained the absolute lowest pints i have ever been at. I started therapy, for the first time in my life confronted and also got to know myself, and even manage to cultivate some form of self love. (Which of course is really hard to not let go of, but i right now i am managing it quite well) It was turbulent like no year i have ever had, on all levels, be it relationships, friendships, meeting new people, testing my limits, letting go and experiencing true ecstasis, without it being a tool to cope with something. And i managed to do it all while staying in control most of the time/learn to bring myself back if i have episodes of high tension, where i previously would not be able to think straight. So long story short: I took the first steps towards being able to regulate myself.

I also forgot to mention, i also got a adult adhd diagnosis in january this year. I have been on meds for it since then and after a bumpy start, they are really doing wonders for me, and i am proud of being able to use them without abusing them.

So yeah my current situation, where i would love some advise on, is the following: For about 6 months i have been dating this female, and for about 3 or for months we slowly decided taht we would like to be in a relationship with eachother. Right now i am back at my uni, but only for about 2 more months (it is a kind of "finishing what i was not able to back in my breakdown days" kind of thing". So it is a long-distance thing right now, which also, after a rough start is just working really well right now. i really like her and i know she likes me. We are being honest to eachother, She knows about my situation and i know about hers (wich is diffucult on its own) but somehow it just kind of works and for both of us it feels like being in a team together and we are both growing together and also helping eachother grow as people. Just some rally f\*cking helthy stuff. BUT the insecurities and most of all the fear of being abandoned and the fear of losing her are slowly creeping into my mind. I am trying my best to not start to play mindgames, but it's hard, cause i can not afford therapy right now (caus i have a really strickt time scedule cause of my college. I plan to pick up therapy once i have finished this in about a month). I know i can do we can work this out together i a helathy way. But i would just really appreciate some advice or maybe personal experiences on how to cope with this kind of stuff. This is the first relationship in eyelevel for me and it really f\*cks with my brain, since all of the relationships in the the past where some kind of unhealthy co-dependencies where i allways made sure that i was the one in control and I was the one who had the power to hurt and not get hurt. I really want it to not be like that this time and we are on the best way. BUT the constant battle against my own brain and emotions (splitting, mindgames as reaction to perceived rejection, just plain insecrity, etc...) is just really really exhausting and yeah... I thought some advice could not hurt :)

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(Also i am sorry for bad typo. English is not my mother tounge. I am not able to proof read this, since i barely could find the time to write it down in the first place. i hope you guys forgive me for that.)