The past few years I've entertained the idea of suicide just to reassure that I do have some control over myself and my life, but the past few days I've really not been able to shake the thoughts or wait for myself to get through the mood I'm in... How do you guys cope? At this point all I'm seeing is benefits... I won't continue to hound my ex boyfriend and ruin his life because I can't deal with his leaving, my parents won't have to help pay my (nearly $100k) student loans back, I won't have to worry my family about a Huntington's diagnosis (my mom has it), I won't have to waste my dad's money on therapy, I only stress out and worry the two friends I have to my name and they are starting to distance themselves because of that, I won't have to constantly work to try and be normal, I won't have to try and convince people I'm normal just for them to see one of my "episodes" and have them think I'm fucking nuts... I just feel like any will to live I had before is gone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way religious, and I don't think there will be any afterlife or any "escape" in that sense. I just don't see the point of life if it is constant suffering and pain and work. All I am is a bunch of neurons and electric pathways that are faulty and wrong... so what is the point of trying to continue?

Can someone enlighten me? Please? I'm desperate...

Edit: I just can't type