I have two kids, one isn't a year old yet, I'm already stressed with that and virtual school. It makes sense that I'll get a headache, or maybe a post nasal drip after a poor sleep (which is every night since he still isn't sleeping through the night). Or a morning cough from the weather changing to drier air. Or fatigue because it is exhausting these days.

But any time, I get that whole-body response of what feels like a chill that drops top to bottom and is through my veins. My stomach turns, my breathing gets shallow, my ears burn, my face is hot, and my rumination is nuts. I've already been tested twice because I was freaking out about a tickle in my throat or a headache and fatigue that felt abnormal and a 99 fever that only lasted a day. Negative both times.

When I feel the anxiety coming, I try to calm myself, maybe take a hot shower. It's just terrifying. We wear masks, we stay at home, grocery shop at night. We go on trails for hikes or walks in the woods or biking, but always make way for people. But I keep thinking "oh my god, what if what if?" And then think about the kids and my husband and everything. It's so hard to remember that there are regular cold symptoms, or people get things sometimes.

Tonight I took a bite of some butter toast and felt like it was a little bland. Immediately freaked out inside and went to smell things and taste cranberries and coffee. "Okay, I can smell and taste-- but is it more muted than usual?" Ugh. I was already an anxious person, prone to negative thought patterns. 

I guess I'm just venting. It's hard right now, a that's coming from the privileged position of still having income and our health.