I posted this on r/offmychest and someone commented about this subreddit, and I figured I would post this on here as well. To be clear I am not sure if I am actually depressed or not, I just see no way out of my predicament. I guess you guys may have a better insight than me.

the post ----

Well yeah, I guess the title really sums it up. I don't really know why I am writing this, I am not really looking for any sort of advice or words of support from anyone. In fact I would actually hope this gets lost within the majority of posts in this subreddit. I guess I just want to put this out there.

One thing I do feel I need to clarify about the title is the "I think" part of it. I say this because I am not sure I really want to go through with killing myself. The only reason I have for not doing it is the fact that all the people that I leave behind will probably either grieve my loss or they will talk about how they pity me, as I have clearly gone off the rails.

Can you believe that? I actually get second hand embarrassment from thinking about how all the people who thought I was normal will react. What a fucking joke.

Some of you are probably wondering why I even want to die. Well, the reason is that I have basically lied myself into such a deep hole in life that I will never recover. Even if by some fucking miracle I do climb out I will never be the same as I once was before I lied.

I've never had the most stable upbringing and I do still feel like I carry a lot of trauma from that period of my life (it was pretty recent actually as I am only 20). Maybe that's why I have found such an extreme solution. I don't fucking know.

Thanks for reading I guess