TW: SELF HARM AND ED 

A coworker was weird towards me. Like she was kinda annoyed at me but she seemed fine and happy with others. Idk if I was being overbearing. But since then I’ve felt so unmotivated at work. I still get my work done but it just feels like the satisfaction has been sucked out. I loved talking to customers and helping them out, now I feel like the typical “I’m not really interested” customer service worker when I was really interested. Now the conversations aren’t authentic because it’s one sided on my part. I find it annoying that I become very preoccupied with myself when I’m stressed because I feel so self centered but I know I’m just trying to cope. I hate how emotionally invested I get in this stuff. I seem so desperate. Even during school classes slight approval makes my emotions go wild. This coworker was so sweet to me before I felt like I could comfortably talk to her about things, now I feel like I annoyed her. I feel so inferior and unwanted and like such an annoyance. I feel so pathetic and self pitying. I don’t know how to get out. I liked getting involved in helping others to get me out of myself, but for some reason this bothered me enough to ruin it. I think it’s because I felt really good and this was such a sudden change that idk it confused me. I don’t say hi to them like I did before. It feels so different. I think this coworker noticed and when she said hi the other day she said that it’s lovely to see me and it always is. I said hi and said you too, but it wasn’t authentic, it was just words. I feel colder towards them all and the customers. I feel like an idiot and the expressions on my face are so stupid and remind me of every fucking person I had a bad time with and I want to bang my head against the wall. And I’ve gotten obsessing over a coworker who was kinda nice towards me and now they can ruin my mood more if they don’t talk to me in a specific way. I’ve been wanting to self harm so much more and I’ve been closer to doing it. I’ve been eating less and don’t freaking want to eat because I feel like a disgusting freak. 

I feel like such a void without people, there is nothing else to live for in this life except relationships but I’m so fucking stupid and weird with them that I just ruin it all. I feel like such a freak with these unusual emotions. I even feel like I’m distancing myself from my own s/o because of this crap. On top of it I feel so inferior being of a different ethnicity too, I want to move back to my family’s home country so I stop feeling like such an annoyance here.

Idk if I really want any *advice* I mostly just want to vent and be validated I guess.