I miss her so much and it hurts so badly. I look all around me and all I see is where she should be right now. I don't know how much longer I can cope, I just want to die as well. I don't want to be here without her. I don't care what comes after death, even if it's nothing I don't want to continue without her.

I loved her so much.

We found her 4 years ago as an abandoned stray, terrible fur, smashed up teeth and an intense, aggressive fear of hands. 

I spent the first three nights sleeping out on the couch with her. She quickly grew attached to me and would follow me everywhere. If I moved from one area to another and she was asleep, she would wake up and find me. She'd sometimes follow someone else for a bit but she was mostly always with me. She changed a lot over time, you could pick her up, pat her and cuddle her without any issue. She really liked being hugged.

She started deteriorating last year and stopped walking but never was unhappy as long as she could be handled and near someone.

The the issues got worse and she had toilet problems, screaming out in agony. We took her the vet and her bladder had grown and was pressing into her intestines and kidneys. We could have given her treatment but it's likely she would always have suffered to some extent or that things would get even worse.

I held her in my arms as she looked up into my face, her neck went limp and her gaze broke away from mine.


I betrayed her, I killed her. I could have saved her but I didn't. It's all my fault. She should be right now, getting lots of hugs and cuddles but she's gone forever and the last thing she ever saw was my betrayal.

I've cried for days now. I want her back, I want my girl back. I can't do this without her, I don't want to do this. 

I was always there for her right until the end where I drove a knife into her back. We went to beaches, we went on drives, we just chilled, she'd get into some mischief, she'd be upset so I'd just hug her until it was a better.


I'll never hug her again, I'll never see her again. She'll never be with me again. She made best friends with one of our other dogs who passed two years ago.

These years have been nothing but suffering. My other dog loved me so as well but I wasn't there for her in the end, she died suddenly and I failed her. I was up late that night but I didn't know anything was wrong and I didn't fucking save her.

Everyone and everything I ever give a shit about leaves me. My friends, my family, my pets they all just go away.

I just can't handle it. I just want her back. I go to sleep, wake up and then remember the horrible reality I'm waking up to. I want to be with her even if there's nothing. I failed her and she trusted me.

It's like she doesn't even exist anymore besides the ghosts I see in each room. 

I scream her name but she's gone, I beg for forgiveness but she's gone. I beg for her back but she's gone. I let her down so badly. I could have gotten her help sooner, I could have gone through with the treatment even knowing the risks, at least she would have a fucking chance.

I'm a traitorous murderer. She looked right into my eyes, her cute tongue poking out ever so slightly and then she was fucking gone. I want her back. I want her back!

I haven't stopped crying since it happened. I hurt so much, every part of me aches in agony. I nearly had a panic attack holding her while the needle went in but I held strong for her.

I just want her back. I want my dog back. I want my best friend back.