it’s been a decision that i wish i didn’t just now make, to not go. i felt and knew it was the right thing for me prior to starting, but i persisted and ignored my gut feeling because i was so worried about the unknown, regret, being sucked into more gloom of working, others being disappointed at me. the thing i realized, though, and it took me until the very last day of add/drop when i got into calculus I and a statistics course, as well as a programming course, that i (which i already knew this) wild be working either way and simply could not handle this with my mental fragility and instability (i should’ve known this, but i overestimated myself). not only that, but i’m just not interested in learning computer science, and i can’t force myself to pretend i am. i see why it’s interesting, and i find it cool, but to me it’s no different than a trade job. it’s something id study for job stability and money. i’m also just incapable of balancing the math courses, programming courses, the hours of studying and tutoring accompanying both, work, continuing to work out, “free time”, and more than anything, my extremely bad mental health. if i had passion, or motivation for any of it, maybe i could have, but it would have ruined me even more no matter what, and i can’t fathom getting worse mentally. i only regret going at all, and for forcing myself, as i worry about paying fees or anything despite the fact that i only went a single week. fees or not, no matter what, this will likely be better for my mental health than going. i’ll be miserable either way, i just need to try to take the path that adds less. i’ve just sent the email to both financial aid and the retention office of my university. it’s a decision made out of realizing my limits and for the sake of my own mental health. i need to stop overestimating myself, take things slow, and try to rekindle my desire to do absolutely anything before throwing myself who feels very mentally impaired already into something that makes normal people depressed. this is one of the most normal things i’ve written venting, and i feel disconnected from a lot of it, as it feels a lot more confusing than i can word.