Hi.  27F here.  I don't even know why I'm writing this, I imagine it is to vent because I have anybody left except my bf.  I love him but currently, I'm kind of lost because of his choices.  

My bf is kind of man to love but excessively.  I think he is Borderline (no offense,. I'm too). But he loves to decide. I stopped my meds and cut off my family for him.  I have no more friend because he don't like I talk to other males.  I can't even talk to him because everytime I talk to him about my past, he just become angry and tell me to forgot my past, that is not that hard.

My past is hard to forget.  I have been bullied and mistreated as far as I remember.  I remember having 4 fucking yo and being told by another kid that I'm ugly.  My father was absent most of the time and when he was there, just tortured us by playing the victim about me and my brother all the time.  At 6 yo, a doctor told my parents that my middle brother have ADHD and Asperger's.  So my parents started to focus on him.  I was good at school so hey, let her continue like that and forget her.  

At 12 I started being emo style and the true torture began.  Suicide idealization and dark thoughts.  I haven't starting to mutilate yet.  But I was good at school so everything was okay for everyone around me.

At 16 started my first real major depression.  I was alone all the time but I was still good at school so hey, she's still correct.

At 18, at the college, I have my first pills to treat my depression.  Needed to stop school.  And yet nobody remarked my mental state.  

At 19, forced to go back to school after 1 month because my father told me to never stop.  And forced admit the pill don't work,  I went to psychiatry for one month.  I was so low, I thought and fell guilty just to breathe because the oxygen can go to someone more useful than me.  This guilt never leave me totally.

In 9 months, I went three time one month in psychiatry. The doc told me next step was the electroshocks.  Never I went back after that.  Was on big meds and everything.

Followed by many years to abusive BFs who never truly respected me as a person.  I had all the abuse types except physical one.  But the psychological stay.

My father left us for a bitch few years ago.  Told us to accept her or to forget him.

I never had a friend for more than 4 consecutive years.

And fastforward to now.

I quit my meds because he prefer I smoke weed.  I hate weed.
Left all my current friends because he don't like them and they are male.
Left my mother and grandmother.  Unable to talk with them without he know.
Sold my PC to play with him on Xbox because he want that.  Left me yesterday to say I'm bad and it is not fun to play with me.  Left a session this morning because I start in the and as him.
Tell me I have a buttface all the time and when I start to ask to stop that, I'm taking everything too personal.
Shoot my cat with nerf guns.

I'm lost.  He scrapped all my credit score too.  I was not against at the beginning and now it is a too big snowball.  He take everything for him.

I don't know anymore what to do.  I just wanna disappear, like if I never existed.  I feel like a parasite and a less than nothing.  Can't leave him I sold everything I had before met him.  

PS English isn't my first language sorry in advance.

TL;DR : I'm in a dangerous position and nothing keep me anymore in this world.