cw: mentions of r*pe, marijuana
my boyfriend recently broke up with me and i know it’s my fault. along with having bpd, i’m seeking a diagnosis for DID. i have a male persecutor alter (calling him tate) who r***** one of his female alters a few months ago. my ex and i went on and off with our relationship starting the end of september and we recently cut each other off a week ago. his alter (i’ll name her mary for privacy) resents me for not saying anything, and i feel like complete shit because of it. i wish i talked to her about it earlier and i take the blame for tate’s actions. that was the reason my ex and i cut off contact.
i can’t stop thinking about my ex, he never leaves my mind, and it’s the stupid abandonment + attachment issues from the bpd. i was too overprotective of him as well as i always wanted to make sure he was okay and safe, going as far as to annoyingly message the folks he lives with. when i started smoking weed in july (we were together from jan 2019 to nov 2020) i became an asshole. apparently when i was high, i picked on him. (growing up, picking on someone was a way of affection) i didn’t really think it was bothering him until shit hit the fan late september.
i’ve stopped smoking (except for when i’m with a certain friend) and i’m on a new medicine. but i want to not have him in my mind. i don’t want to obsess over him anymore but i don’t know how to. i don’t want to feel extreme loneliness just from missing one person. i don’t want to feel jealous when he’s with the person he fucking lives with, or get ashamed at myself for the stupidest reasons