I have been dealing with very severe depression for about 20 years now. I am 35 and for the most part have been unemployable for 8 years. Everything takes energy. Some times I find something that I think will help me overcome depression or will make me happy and go all in on it only to crash and burn later. Even when I am at my best, I still do not function well and often want to die because the beauty in life has not been there in so long. 

I feel absolutely burned out on life, and everything is a chore. How am I supposed to move forward when I feel chronic anhedonia and severe fatigue, along with the dark, hopeless feelings I get? When the depression takes on an existential quality it is absolute hell, as I feel like everything is completely meaningless and that I am completely alone. When it is that bad, I am so debilitated that even talking to people is a serious chore. 

I feel like depression is causing serious problems with my brain. Many days I feel like I am concussed and cannot focus, think or problem solve. Motor skills also become impaired and I slur my speech slightly. 

I guess I feel very alone. I feel totally defeated by this shit and am sick of mental health people saying I can learn ways to unburden myself with cbt or mindfulness or something else. I have really tried that and I am still in pain all the time. It doesn’t ease up.