Lot of swearing and probably self centered/indulgent leaning narrative for warning:

I fell in love after I was married. The ideals of my childhood manifest in someone who didn't make small sacrifices for what they desired in their life. Someone who understood what I have been trying to stand strong against for 25 of those years with her own issues. Someone who trusted me infrequently for advice but constant in my life. Someone I could have pursued and would have relentlessly if not for the fact I had already found love. A wife. 2 Kids. How do you reconcile a lifetime of poor decision making and refusing commitment, fearful one day you'll slip and finally succeed in depressing yourself so much you finally commit to one thing and end it all, and one where you have love and support but the fires of monogamy and lust threaten to consume your reasoning with emotion?

I often wonder if I suffer bipolar disorder. Depression. apathy, and frankly unkind and deep sarcasm are feeling kind of default this week. I'm overworked in a field that's collapsing on itself as we go into the third year of pandemic precautions. As an introvert, working this job on an ambulance doing this for-profit service and coping with people daily, I'm just tired of having to be professional when I'm hauling the 5th patient in 6 hours home without so much time as a bathroom break or coffee. My body hurts, I can only do so many things to offset it. From the weed at home (legal on my state), occasional booze (not on medication at this time), and the NSAIDS to the lack of sleep and healthy life choices I don't have time or energy for. I just don't know how I can be expected to continue on in endless succession, daily at this point it feels like, doing 10-13 hrs moving people and treating illness and feeling like I'm a failure, an imposter, unworthy of my current pay and certification. and trapped in a job that is crushing me under the weight of trying to shoulder a call volume and schedule that would require defying the laws of physics.

I miss her already. She's an obsession. She's been my friend and confidante about almost everything. The only thing I never really could confide in her about wad how I felt, because I never wanted her to feel like she was leading me on to the way I felt. Its unhealthy, its worrisome, I'm glad she's moving on to what's better for her but I, in baseless fear, am worried I will be forgotten as any decent work friend we have all lost contact with once or twice before.

I don't know how to talk to my wife about this again. The desire to have us open up our relationship on a basis we can both agree to. Probably because I doubt there's any ability to find an agreement. I don't blame her, I am the one who tried to fit when I knew I would end up back here. Angry at myself, fruatrated with life, feeling caged...

I wonder if I'll just snap this time and leave it all behind again. I seem to excel at that in adulthood. From the military where I coyldn't finish my commitment there, the several times I've been an awful friend and person and gods know how many times I've accidentally created more drama than intended. I feel... empty. Purposeless. An academic in a world that gates the pursuits of knowledge behind enticement and financial obligstions I can't afford to meet. I lost my GI bill, my depression and indulgence towards it instead of seeking help my downfall there. Go figure the one time I'm in a plave I could have a support system I instead decide I'd rather shit the bed and burn everything in my wake.

I've always known I'm not a nice person. I try to be better, but ultimately, I just feel like I'm a signpost in directing people how not to end up like me. Maybe I did that job well, my friend's finally got herself straightened up a bot and is happier with heraelf and life. Maybe its cowardice and remorse, maybe I did the right thing and never told her, but I hate myself for being too terrified to tell her I loved her, but could tell her about wvery time I tried to off myself, or the emotionally abusive relationship with my mom growing up, etc. Why i'm able to express my hate and anger so vividly, and live in fear of expressing my positive emotion, eludes me. The worst she could do is rebuff me and cut contact, and I think that would hurt as badly as what my silence is bringing, but with more answers.

I'll probably delete this later in a fit of embarassed shame, screaming into the reddit void. But just because you learn, you cope, you medicate, and you grow doesn't mean the old haunts and fears stay silent... but you learn better ways to handle it. This was my way of doing it instead of the cutting and sleeping life away. But if you made it here, thanks for listening. Sometimes its just the hope aomeone will read this and just 'get it' that makes writing worthwhile. I just wish I knew how to write it all without sounding, to me at least, like some fucking blowhard asshole.