my therapist told me i should get on meds again. i was on a lot of meds when i was 12-16 and i dont remember anything really working. recently ive been kind of abusing sleeping pills like xanax every time i want to numb myself. for a month or so i took at least one a day. then i stopped for a while and now i feel like ill have to start again. itals nothing severa and i cant say its actual drug abuse but u know. so idk what i should do i feel horrible and suicidal. therapy is moving slow and its not really working. my therapist doesnt want to asses me for add/adhd which i think i have becauese i am not 'hyperactive' even though she doesnt really know me yet. its getting to express my feelings  anymore, especially to therapists and psychiatrists. i practically go mute or derealize when i feel like my concerns are being dismissed. i cant remember anything voluntarily, but trauma memories haunt me when i go to sleep or just at random times in the day. i cant remember what i did 5 minutes ago, i get exteremely aggitated and angry at every little inconvenience. and i have a hard time thinking and even forming sentences at this point. 
does anyone have any advice on what i should do? its kind of urgent, i dont think i can do it much longer.