It’s that time of the year again where winter depression kicks in, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t sleep, some days I can’t eat and others I overeat.
I have no motivation to get up in the morning, things that usually made me feel some kind of happy just don’t give me any type of emotion anymore.
I find myself getting triggered by the smallest things, yesterday at work a pencil sharpener fell on the ground bc of me and I was to afraid to pick it up so I just left it there, trying not to look at it, then luckily I got called to help in the back sorting things there.
It still scares me, what my mind can do to me, people say ‘you control your mind’ but I literally feel like some other person is controlling this body and making me do stuff like I’m a puppet. 
It takes one look at a razor and my mind will give me a million different reasons why I need to hurt myself again, bringing up trauma from the past like everything people do to me is my fault.

I’m 2 weeks behind on school work and my room is a mess, I didn’t shower for a week and I just didn’t care, forcing myself not to take a break at work when I was working from 1pm-9pm. I’ve also been having a lot of pain in my ribs, where it comes from? The hell I know.

I just don’t feel myself lately, still managed to stay clean tho, It’s weird, I get triggered 24/7 but I don’t hurt myself, I’m just bottling up everything till one day it’ll get too much and I’ll kill myself, and I’m at peace with that.