I can’t stop thinking about the fact that bpd is one of the hardest mental illnesses to cure, let alone manage. I can’t live like this anymore, I can’t keep hurting the people I care about the most. I don’t know how to control it ): I have the worst possible anger and I can’t control it, I’ve looked at so many tips and they all just say stuff like “disengage and walk away” but I can’t do that because when I’m angry I’m convinced I’m the one who’s been mistreated. My boyfriend is the only person who hasn’t left me in my life and so feel like, no I am, such a horrible person for how much I lash out at him. I can’t get therapy because my mother just keeps delaying it and saying “but you’ve been so good lately” (I.e. no suicide attempts, self harm, or ed relapses) I feel like the only way I can get help is if I get hospitalized again. I just want to be good. I want to be happy and I want to stop lashing out like this. To make it worse I spent the past hour looking at bpd hate posts and giving myself panic attacks. I am open to any advice, I am so close to the end of my rope right now and I just want it all to stop ): I want to be a good person and give my boyfriend the love he deserves, we are on a break until I can get therapy and medication, but again, I feel the only way to achieve that is to get hospitalized again. I’m sorry if this posts sounds really whiny and thank you for your time in advance.