Just some backstory on my anxieties - I have diagnosed social anxiety since I was 14 but this bleeds into other aspects of life thanks to my narcissistic mother. It can be debilitating at times and definitely exhausting but I’m sure you all know how it goes. 

We found out earlier this year that my father in law has terminal cancer. He has been undergoing several treatments to prolong his life and they have been going so well that he has decided to book a boating holiday in August for the whole family and his friends to go on. The boat has capacity for 40 people. It is an incredible gesture and a surprise to everyone as the holiday and flights were booked without asking. 

I really want to be there and support my partner as it goes without saying that this will likely be his last holiday with his father. However I’m really struggling with it and am having daily panic attacks just thinking about it. 

We would need to take our 6 month old daughter on the holiday which is probably the main cause of anxiety to myself as just to parent a baby on a boat with many people sounds like a nightmare. 

This is without considering COVID-19 and the fact that the holiday has been booked in an Amber List country. 

I worry that if I decline to go that my relationship will be over. My partner has asked that I really take time to think about it and try my hardest. 

Does anyone have any advice and would I be the worst person if I decided not to go and have my partner go without myself and my baby?