Im a 20F junior in college, set to graduate next spring. Naturally the fear of future and fear of unknowns are cropping up, more poignantly than normal. I’ll save y’all from reading the endless list of fears, as I don’t have the energy to delve into them nor is it particularly productive to do so. In short, I need to figure out when/if I will study abroad and that impacts my graduation date and living situation next year. 

Anyway, it’s been getting worse than normal. And in a way I’ve never experienced. Typically, my anxiety and bad periods of anxiety are characterized by isolating myself, full on hyperventilating panic attacks, not eating etc. I’ve been in CBT for like 8 years, I love my therapist and have learned a lot. I know what to do. But it’s changed. 

When a “panic attack” gets triggered, I get physically anxious while my mind idles over the straw that broke the camels back. I physically feel light headed, my vision gets funky, nausea, and heart palpitations. But the sobbing, hyperventilating, wanting to rip my skin off and tornado of fears in the head that you can’t slow down doesn’t happen. 

The other day, after telling my bf about the major thing making me worried, I felt good. My brain wasn’t spinning out of control, and it felt like a safe time to google my questions about the next step of my education, get some background info on it etc. We were in the car to the grocery store and I was able to put my phone away, and begin grocery shopping. Previously I would have been paralyzed, unable to move. But as we were shopping, my mind kept mulling over the “what ifs” and eventually I realized that I felt like I was going to vomit and pass out. 

And that pattern of weird, mentally decent but physically going to chaos has continued. 

And now, on labor day, I’m home with nothing to do, with a good nights sleep, ate, took a walk, took meds, did all the self care stuff to set myself up for success in tackling the first bit of figuring out the stuff. (BTW, I should clarify, these are future issues, but because of roommates and financial issues, I need to get both study abroad and housing for next year solidified by early November). But again I’m stuck in a mental bear trap, unable to move from a tiny, likely bs issue (specifically that ‘what if my friend backed out of our plan to live together next year bc he doesn’t like me’) but physically I’m reeling. It’s not like I don’t feel like it’s my body, but it’s like nothings happening but my body thinks I’m dying. I try to start and then I have to stop because I think I’m going to puke. This is doubly bad because I am afraid of vomiting, to a phobia extent :D

Im so confused and I have no idea now to even begin dealing with it. I have therapy in a few days, so I’ll address it then, but I have responsibilities in the meantime. Broad question, but what the hell do I do?