Hi everyone. I'm hoping for some helpful perspectives on my (tangled, messy) situation.

Problem one: I have BPD; my partner doesn't. We've been together for three years and we live together. He tried to split up with me a week ago but I managed to persuade him it's worth giving things another shot because we are in love, which is true. The main reason he wanted to end things is because his mental health was suffering due to the support he was/is giving me. He had to regularly cancel on plans with friends to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself, and it hurt him to see me in so much pain. I'm incredibly insecure and struggle a lot with trust. On bad days I want to die, and am not shy about saying so. It's too much for anyone to handle, really. I just began a course of psychodynamic therapy and went back onto SSRIs, which I hope will help fix me and, consequently, some of the circumstances which made him think of ending things with me. I'm mostly doing it for me, though. I would like to be better.

Problem two: My parents cut me out a few months ago and I've been in a lot of pain ever since. Our relationship was deteriorating for a while because we're very different from one another (they are racists and generally intolerant, I'm very left-wing...). The catalyst for the breakdown in our relationship was an argument on the phone where they were insulting me for not coming to a family event. I explained it was because I had a panic attack and didn't feel safe leaving the house. They don't 'believe' in anxiety, much less BPD, and took it very personally that I didn't show up. This caused a huge fight in which my father was painting me as an ungrateful bitch problem child who's acting out for no reason, so, for the first time in my life, I shouted at him about the time he molested me as a child and hung up the phone instantly afterwards, and had another panic attack. When I switched my phone back on an hour later, a message from my mother was waiting. She said I was disgusting and that I'm no daughter of hers, and that she never wants to see me again. We haven't spoken since.

So both of these problems are bothering me right now. BPD is kicking my ass. I've managed to hold a full-time job down despite all this but I'm really starting to fall apart, and I'm scared. Problem Two has caused a rupture in my relationship with my boyfriend because it's made me so much more insecure. My BPD brain tells me often "look, your own parents don't want you and think you're a liar, why should anyone else want you?", and I can't really argue with that. I've been crying more than I ever have before lately, and I don't see a happy future for myself. Every day feels like a struggle and I so badly want to be normal but I don't have the tools. Or it doesn't feel like I do. I just pretend, and most people buy it, but I'm in an inexplicable amount of pain at the moment.

It's really hard for me to reach out to friends and ask for help because I have a hard time trusting people. I have very few friends, but the ones I do have have offered to hear me out many times, but I'm terrified of crying in front of them, so I don't reach out. This makes my partner feel trapped because I only ever see him. I can see his point. I just feel so stuck, I can't even tell you.

Does anyone have an opinion on any of this? How do I stop leaning so hard on my partner and strike out on my own a little? And how do I keep the "he's cheating/lying" thoughts out of my head? How can I learn to understand that people don't immediately morph into unfeeling, cheating monsters as soon as they're out of my line of sight?

I just feel so low, and scared. 