We connect, it’s amazing, things are perfect, and then they don’t do what I expect them to do. Maybe they don’t reply to a text, maybe they ask to see me on a later day than I anticipated. Whatever it is, it sends me spiraling. 

I feel physically ill, I can’t sleep, I start recounting all of my past failed relationships. I’m convinced I’m the problem. I’m hideous, I’m clingy, I’m only useful as a placeholder. Then the self destructive tendencies (mostly self harm, sometimes impulsive sexual encounters, occasionally drinking and drugs, basically whatever is the most available) initially as a form of self punishment, then as a distraction, then as a way to spite them. At this point it hasn’t even been a day or two and I’ve split. I hate them now. 

After days of feeling anxious, enraged, and su*cidal, that’s when the paranoia sets in. Suddenly every message online is about it, mocking me, hating on me. The entire world is in on the joke of how much I don’t deserve to exist. When I go outside, every passing glance at me is filled with disgust, every catcall is sarcastic, every smile in my direction is out of pity. 

I isolate myself. The only time I step out is to smoke a cigarette, which I can barely do because I’m shaking so much. The hatred and despair and worthlessness I feel is at an all time high. After this point the things I’ve done to myself are a bit sad/embarrassing to share haha. 

Finally, my phone lights up. It’s them. They apologize for being distracted.  Work has been really killing them these past few days. They ask how I’m doing, when I’m free. 

Suddenly everything’s perfect again. It’s like the past few days haven’t happened. I’m at the top of the world, and I feel like a god. The only evidence that I ever felt otherwise are the recent marks on my body. 

And then the cycle begins again. I always think I’m above it, that I’m over it. I tell myself that the therapy has helped me. Or the 6 months of voluntary celibacy has changed me.I always think that I’ll be better in my next relationship but it never happens. What’s the point anymore?