There are a lot of things that I seem to be scared of.

I’m scared that I’m going to lose this battle and miss out on things that I’ve been holding on for. I’m scared that depression and suicidal thoughts are going to win and everything that I’ve done and the amazing people that I have met are going to see me one last time in a casket. I’m scared that if I reach out for help everyone will look at me with pity or as if I’m some freak for needing something to help me get through the day. But the biggest thing I’m scared of is having higher expectations for the people around me than necessary. 

I’m scared that my belief of these people missing me when I’m gone isn’t true and that everything that I’m holding on for means nothing. I’m scared that all of the achievements that I’m proud of hold little to no weight to anyone else and that I wouldn’t be leaving behind anything at all. I’m scared that if I make it through this rough patch it’ll all be for nothing.  

Why can’t I just have a good day? Why do I have to struggle so much and what did I do to deserve any of this?