I’ve been thinking about it for a bit and I don’t know if I’m supposed to be hospitalized. I’m at a depressive episode for 3/4 months and I tried suicide 3 times, my self harm got worst and I can’t reach a week without doing it, and if I don’t reach fat, I feel awful. I’m not really eating bc food seems non interesting to me. I can’t leave the bed, I just got out for eating and going to the bathroom. My hygiene is sucks bc I don’t have the energy to take care of myself. 

I’m really suicidal, and I just didn’t do it yeet, bc I don’t want to hurt my loved ones. I’m feeling kinda numb, like my fellings wore far away from me and this is sucks bc I’m almost all the time not happy. I don’t see a point to literally anything, and all I can do is think about death. I’ve done my note, and I have 140 pills ready to be taken. Idk if I want to do this, but I’m tired of being alive. I’m still shaking bc of my last suicide attempt, and I really don’t think I’ll get through another attempt.

 I’m not really thinking straight right now, and I’m scared of doing something that I’ll regret. The voices makes me want to put my life in a risk, and I can’t control them.

 I can’t do anything that my therapist told me to do. Anything. I just can’t. He told me to look for something that makes me feel good, but when I’m trying to do anything, I just feel empty, nothing please me. I can’t exercise bc I’m just exhausted, and my parents don’t understand that. I can’t think positively, bc my mind is fucking broken. I don’t know how I get to this point. I never I’d get this bad. I just feel hopeless, and everything seems like nothing. Things that used to make me happy, now just give me a numb feeling that will fade in a moment. I don’t even know if there’s a psych ward that hospitalized teenagers, and my parents are not exactly having the money to afford it. So fucking useless.

 I’m going to talk about it with my therapist about it Friday somehow. I’m kinda disappointed with myself, bc I couldn’t get better, and I’ve talked about that a few sections ago. I have to tell my psychiatrist, but it’s only 10/28, and I don’t know if I can make until there. I’m afraid too, bc there’s a probably that I’ll be impatient and that not exactly good. I mean, you’ve got to the point where you need this kinda of help, and that’s kinda sad. Idk what should I do, I’m kinda lost and scared of what I can do.