(Ex),  


I’ve been making a note on my phone over the past while and it turned into a bit of an essay. Instead of sitting and making you listen to me drone on for half an hour I thought it might be better to write everything out in a letter. Sometimes when we both get emotional, tensions can run high so I’m hoping this letter can help avoid some of that. 

&amp;#x200B;

There’s a lot of emotional stuff to unpack in here so if you find yourself getting overwhelmed reading it, don’t feel guilty stopping at any point until you feel more ready to finish. 

&amp;#x200B;

Also, I want you to know that I don’t need anything back from you. I’m not expecting any apologies in return or forgiveness if you aren’t ready to do that. You don’t even have to respond. All this is is me trying to hold myself accountable and acknowledge some of the ways I have hurt you. I hope this can help give you closure in some way.

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Here we go…

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I’ve been doing a ton of self reflection lately and I’ve realized a lot of things. For one, I projected a ton of my own issues onto you and in turn, our relationship. I’ve always had this excuse that when I’m hurt, rather than being upset, I get angry. Instead of actually working on that and digging into why I feel that way and ways I can more productively handle my emotions, I just kinda decided that’s how I am and it was okay and expected you to just deal with it. Well, that’s really fucking unfair to you. And if I’m being honest, total bullshit. Yes, I do get angry when I’m hurt, but that doesn’t mean that it’s acceptable to lash out and something I’m just stuck with for life.

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I came into our relationship with a ton of baggage and instead of growing into a better person with you I became complacent. You always accepted my faults and never wanted to push me. That isn’t on you at all, for the record. It isn’t your responsibility and never has been to change the way I react to things. That is solely on me and I’m sorry that I pushed the blame of that onto you. I should have put my personal shortcomings on the table in front of us to work through together rather than wedging them between us. Or putting them completely on you.

&amp;#x200B;

I think maybe part of it is how much I idealized you so early on in our relationship. God, I thought you were perfect. You aren’t, and that’s okay, because no one is. But for some reason I had all these expectations built up of you and thought you’d always know what to do. Why bother working on myself when you’d always be around to fix my problems? That is WAY too much pressure to put onto one person. My emotions were never your responsibility. At the end of the day, I am the only person that controls what I do. 

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You may not be perfect, but you are amazing in so many ways. I’m so sorry I made you forget that. I should have shown more gratitude for everything you did right in our relationship instead of being so focused on the negative. We could be having a great day together then you do one thing that I perceived as being “wrong” and I would lash out and say that you ruined everything. Totally not true and not fair at all to you. There’s a way to hold someone accountable for things while being supportive, patient, and constructive. A lot of times I would go right into attack mode and how can I expect you to improve on anything when I start the conversation like that? Of course you’re going to go on the defensive, any person would, that’s just human nature. 

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Somewhere along the way, we failed each other. It was so much easier for me to shove all the blame onto you instead of actually holding myself accountable and realizing I stopped putting in the effort too. It doesn’t matter who did what first or who did what more, what matters is that we both stopped showing up for each other. 

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I didn’t love myself enough to let you show me love. I was so wrapped up in my “I think I’m a piece of shit therefore everyone else must think I am too” narrative that I never stopped and gave you the benefit of the doubt. I always thought you were the exception, the only person I’ve ever fully let in. But maybe that isn’t true at all. Maybe, I kept you out just as much as everyone else. (Ex), the truth is: I’m terrified. All the time. I’m terrified to be vulnerable, terrified to accept love, and terrified to show people the real (me) and them still tell me that I’m not enough. I should have been as vulnerable and honest with you as I expected you to be with me.

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I wish 11 years ago I would have looked in the mirror and told my 18 year old self: Believe him. You’re going to fuck it up if you don’t. And you don’t want to fuck this one up. Just believe him.

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I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.

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I’m sorry for everything.

&amp;#x200B;

\- (Me)