I have been suppressing my feelings a lot, but I really have to rant this out no matter how absurd/seemingly shallow this is. That I think I would end up "crazier" than I already am, if I do not find an outlet for my "petty" feelings.

I (28F) was super excited about "losing weight"/"planning to go to the gym" alongside the benefit of finding a shared passion/doing something new and healthy with my husband (31M). This is kind of a big step and deal for me, as I do not exactly live a very healthy lifestyle. I am very much in the opposite spectrum of things, if you knew the way I was in my past life. But point is, I've been trying to make major changes to better my health lately (following up with my psychiatrist monthly for the treatment of my bipolar disorder and ADHD, quitting my occasional smoking of weed for good, and in the process of giving up vaping too) and increasing physical activity should be part that lifestyle change plan.

Anyways, I was super passionate about it that I inquired for a free trial in Slimmer's World. This is actually the second time I inquired for a free trial in a gym; the first one was in Anytime Fitness (which is much nearer our place, but \~1km away only from Slimmer's World) but due to reasons I forgot about, we ended up not going to that trial. I've actually been messaging and e-mailing Anytime Fitness, but they only responded once ever from all the other inquiries I've sent them. This is in contrast to Slimmer's World, that I messaged at 3am earlier and someone responded to me right away. They answered all my inquiries and offered a free trial for 3 consecutive days.

So I was telling my husband about it through chat while he was at work, and I asked him if he's up for 3 days of free trial at that gym. I also sent him the promo/quotation for membership that Slimmer's World sent me. It was actually a very good deal. So he implied nothing, but that he was up for it and that we are to finally lose weight, and that we should buy supplements to seal the deal/"pump" us up. I said that I wouldn't take anything with caffeine on a regular basis, because I take stimulants daily already as required for my treatment of (prescribed with Concerta 18 mg) ADHD and I already binge-drink on caffeinated beverages, anyways. But I agreed that we should get him supplements. I assumed that we would get the supplements from GNC, at our usual go-to mall for groceries and usual errands, but he suggested that we should get them from a bit farther mall instead cause it was \~1k cheaper from his friend's suggestion/experience. I suggested again that he check first if they have an online shop, to avoid driving to that part of town with difficult intersections, which I am not very familiar with, and cause I've actually done a traffic violation which scored me a ticket in that area because of those sketchy consecutive, confusing intersections.

So when he got home, he said they had no online shop so it was kind of implied that we had to go there to really get the supplements. I didn't complain much about it anymore, even though I would have preferred driving to and buying it at our usual go-to mall instead for a bit of a higher price for my convenience, as opposed to him valuing cost for this particular argument. I guess everyone has their own reasons and preferences. But point is, I did not fight much about it anymore or verbalize my concerns about where we should buy them. I just respected that he values saving more at that instance, and did not consider my hassle being the driver who is unfamiliar with the traffic scheme in that area.

Fast forward to the first comment I actually hear about the plans I have made regarding our free trial for slimmer's world I set for February 19, 21 and 22 after his go signal/implied approval through chat. The first comment which affected my mood and excitement was that he said I CAN'T EXERCISE because it's bad for my scoliosis. To be more specific--

What he said:

* I CAN'T exercise because I have scoliosis
* It would be better if I lose weight through dieting first, before I start working out at the gym
* I cannot do weight-lifting, squats, etc. It's gonna be bad for your spine.

What was going on in my head:

* I kind of see his point that there are restrictions to the exercises I can do in the gym vs. why is he discouraging me and killing my excitement about this (bipolar me rationalizing)
* As an actual doctor, I would recommend exercise to my patients all the time. 30 minutes of moderate intensity exercise a day, 2-3 times a week is what I would advise my patients. Exercise benefits outweigh the risks in most  cases, but yes, he was actually concerned about my back -  he should have just said "you can exercise but it should be limited, considering your scoliosis"

What I said:

* I'm NOT totally banned from exercising at all in spite of my scoliosis. After reading about it, there are just  certain exercises I should  avoid, which would be unhealthy for my spine. I did not plan on intense all-out weight-lifting, and I mostly just use cardio equipment at the gym.
* I said that him going to the gym meant using all the equipment he could get his hands on, but gym to me is  mostly just cardio and more things that would build my core/strengthen my lower back muscles kinda to improve my posture. He kind of made  fun that I could use a mat and do some stretches, and kind of implied further that I could do those things at  home. Which yes, I could do. But he was missing the point of me actually planning something for us both to enjoy. Anyways, why would it matter much what I do in that gym vs. what he does. I wouldn't make fun of what he does or does not do, so long as we are able to do what we need to, and "enjoy" the activity. Due to annoyance, I said that people wouldn't care what I do at that gym, so long as we can pay the fees to use their equipment. Then we do our own thing there, intense or lax, whichever their customers prefer, it wouldn't matter.

Next comment he had about it, was that it was much better to go for the nearer gym (Anytime Fitness) vs. the relatively farther one I chose (\~1km away, to which we usually drive to do our errands and groceries, to which the roads I am very much familiar with cause I've lived in that neighborhood before.)

His point:

* He just didn't want to see me irritated for the distance I am driving. And if we're gonna do it every day,  it's much more convenient to go for the nearer one. (It super makes sense, honestly! But I wish that he would understand my preferences too.)
* We're going to the gym not for anything else but to lose weight. Meaning: the ambiance of the place doesn't matter. A gym is a gym. (It also makes sense! But what about my preferences too?)

My point:

* What is driving a further 1 km away for a gym with a much better ambiance in a better neighborhood, within my preference for an actually cheaper price as compared to the gym he wants that's nearer.
* The distance we are talking about does not compare to the distance I drive normally to work \~189km away from  home. (I live in the city, but work at the countryside)
* I know I consider the overall aesthetic, and other convenience factors before I decide on a club/gym in  addition to the point of "actually working out," but shouldn't he just respect our differences too?
* Has my "road rage" not improved since I started seeing my psychiatrist? Cause to me I am SO MUCH more better  with my mood when driving as compared to last year when I actually was in a manic episode, or a year before that, and on and on.
* Driving is inevitable. What I would actually want you to propose as a solution to "my mood problem," is not to limit the distance which I would drive, but to actually find the balls to take the wheel and drive us instead. If you're so concerned about my "traffic issues," and if they are really "that bad," as you interpret them, then please by all means drive us - but he doesn't. Ever. And I'm the girl, he's the guy.
* I actually kind of interpreted that I have not improved at all since starting therapy. It's like I'm still so  bad on the road? Yes I complain, but it's faaaaar much better now for me as opposed to beforeeeee. And it saddens me, that he thinks I still haven't improved.

LOL. This is starting to seem very shallow to me as I write it down. I'm so sorry to share. I couldn't get back to studying after he killed my vibe and excitement. I have wasted 5 hours rationalizing in my head and getting over myself. I was very triggered.

Ultimately, I tried to vocalize all my concerns in a non-angry way and did as best as I could possibly explain my feelings, and how what he said has negatively affected our plans in my own interpretation. But you know the feeling that no matter how hard you try to explain, you just can't convince someone to see your side of the story? At least I tried to put my thoughts out there, for my mental sake.

Anyways, I said we should just agree to disagree, and that we just have different preferences. And that if he wanted, we could go to separate gyms instead. I insisted, cause he kinda broke the excitement and passion for me. This is one of the few times when I didn't need his opinion, and that my decision was firm. I knew what I wanted already (at most times I struggle with decision-making with personal matters), but he broke it for me instead of just support me. I'm sorry it's such a petty problem, but it's rooted in what I think is an actual marriage problem of ours.

I was just trying to find some healthy activity we could do together, in some place of my choosing and liking, so as to help "rekindle" our flame or something. I am having problems maintaining interest/finding pleasure in anything I do anymore nowadays. Anhedonia, it's happening to me every day, for I don't know since when. And I haven't orgasmed in like 2 months (?) or more (?) I was kind of just trying to do an effort to improve our marriage, or something. I know for a fact that our marriage isn't at it's best, and it needs some fixing/adjustments/sacrifices from both sides of the party.

Although this admittedly seems shallow from writing it down in detail. I put so much thought on planning the gym thing and I was bombarded with negative comments, which just really killed it for me. As he tried to reverse the impact on me, by saying that we should go to that gym I preferred to go to, and that it would be nice there. I kind of already implanted thoughts in my head, a bit of a defense mechanism to save my ego, I guess, that I am not excited anymore to do this with you. He tried hugging me and telling me he loves me, but I couldn't mask my emotions and didn't feel like saying it back. Actually, to help relieve what I was feeling, I responded "I hate you," or "no I don't love you" jokingly. LOOOL am I a child or what?

/end of rant

&amp;#x200B;

*A brief background on me and my eventful past:*

* *"I came from a broken family" and "my parents never married," to put it simply. I was tossed around address to address, and had no constant/stable home and parents. It was a lonely, confusing set-up for me. So I just drifted away into my studies and school life, instead cause I can't make sense of a home.*
* *I was in a very, very terrible place since 2017. That was the year that my mostly absent father died due to complications of his uncontrolled diabetes. The thing is, I tried to help, being in med school at that time. But dad didn't really listen to anyone, and he does what he wants. He was also depressed his whole life, which brought him to rest.*
* *Year 2018, I was completing my internship as a prerequisite to take the medical board exams. Towards the end of the clinical year, I got home and found my grandmother unconscious on our bed. I found her way past the "golden period" of saving someone from a ruptured aneurysm. So all the doctors could do for her was supportive treatment, cure wasn't an option anymore. She got so depressed when my dad passed away, which brought her to her death. This grandmother was the one I grew up with. She took on the responsibilities of my absent mom and absent dad, and raised me the best she could. Although she was a bit of a narcissist, too.*
* *My mom pushed me to take the board exams, and I wanted to rest and grieve for my grandmother still. She nagged me, out of love maybe? It felt like I was losing my mind while I was reviewing for 3 months right after the death. With God's blessing, I passed it and I have been independent since then. Not like someone would supply my needs anymore, cause all my providers have died previously.*
* *Year 2019, I got pregnant by accident so I had to prepare to mature further by the time the baby comes out. And work, work, work to pay them bills.*
* *Year 2020, we finally got married when my son was turning 1. As I weaned from breastfeeding, I didn't realize that I was having a manic episode already.*
* *Year 2021, so I consulted a psychiatrist for the first time and she diagnosed me with Bipolar I Disorder. I actually suspected myself of being bipolar as early as adolescence, but my grandmother did not believe in psychiatry. She said I was just mentally weak and sensitive. So I never got the treatment I thought I needed back then. But what a relief I felt, when I was finally diagnosed properly. I committed to regular follow-ups with my psychiatrist since diagnosis, and I've been off-bipolar meds for more than 6 months now. What my psychiatrist is treating now is my ADHD.*

&amp;#x200B;

Thank you to everyone who has read my post this far on. This kind of helps, letting it out there. Also, I wasn't so sure if I should've posted this in r/marriage or here. But I feel much more comfortable knowing that fellow-bipolar kids would/might understand where I'm coming from.