I'm about to get mental help from a specialist because I can't take this anymore. But it might take weeks until I'm able to.

I want to be a "normal" person but it seems that I can't.

I have a case of at least mild depresion. I hate the world and I hate my life. Even though it could still be worse. I have a job and I'm studying a career that I don't love but at least I kind of like.


My main problem is that I get obsessed with every girl I like to the point that I create all kinds of imaginary relationships with them in my head and it can go on for years. I do my best to hide it from people and not everyone around me knows what's going on in my head. Some of them know partially and no one believes it's very normal.

One of the girls I have this problem with is someone I see maybe once in a month. I'm totally obsessed with her and I think about her from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep.

Every single day almost everything is about her. Every decision I make, includes her, somehow. What I think is that I'm in love with her, but at the same time she doesn't feel the same way, and I know it. Did she tell me a clear no? not really, but she did tell me that she wasn't sure she wanted something with me and that she preferred us to remain friends. While I behave well around her, and respect the boundaries, deep inside I'm dying. This has happened to me so many times since I was a kid. Probably around 10 times. These obsessions last for years, sometimes overlapping between them. They go into pause mode and then restart months later. Some people think I'm kind of creepy, but they don't suspect how deep the problem really is.

I'm not the kind of guy that would hurt you anyway. No, I never did that kind of thing. I'm not violent or something like that. Most people I know say I'm a cool guy and a good person.


I don't want to live like this anymore. I know I need help that's why I'm persuing it professionally but I also ask here just in case. It's really hard for me to change without professional help. I used to blame myself for being like this but I'm starting to think this is some kind of mental illness that I inherited.

I come from a family where some members have had mental illnesses so it wouldn't surprise me if mine is a known one.

Do you have any knowledge on the matter?

Thanks.

Edit: After reading what I just posted I feel absolutely stupid but it is what it is. I can't be like this anymore. I need to forget about these obsessions and live like a normal person. It shouldn't be so difficult... but it really is to me.