All I want is a happy family, a comfortable salary, and a nice house. You know Roger's family from Lethal Weapon? A happy nuclear family and well paying job that requires some sort of skill. That's what a good happy life looks like too me. I want to be happy and comfortable, and when I envision my dream life, this is what I feel will make me happy. I'm filled with a sense of happiness when I imagine the life I want. But then out comes my deep hopelessness. 


There is a problem that comes into play. I strongly believe that the genetic intelligence required for what constitutes a happy health life are out of my reach. I feel inadequate in everything I do. I just finished a semester of college and I just feel a degree isn't worth it. What's the point of trying if my lack of intellectual make the life I want impossible to achieve? 



Either my belief is the true fact of the matter or it's due to a lack of self esteem. The way I see, both scenarios make me feel hopeless. If it's the former, life isn't worth living as there is practically no chance I will get that future life. My ambitions for a happy life are stunted by  low intelligence. If it's the latter, life isn't worth living either. What is the likelihood of perspective changing dramatically in mid to late adulthood given you've held on to it since childhood? In my non-professional opinion, not likely. 


Everyone says that with smart or hard work you can achieve anything. It's complete bullshit. Not all of us can be engineers and doctors even if we put in more effort than those with gifted intelligence. And I want to be clear, it's not that I've worked particularly hard. But sometimes I feel that working hard isn't even worth it given my lack of intellect. 


It makes me incredibly angry and sad knowing that I can work hard for something I want and will never achieve it due to shit outside of my control. There are people who live to achieve eons of happiness and comfort with just 5% of my effort. The will achieve the life I want and more. This just isn't fair given what I've been through. 


My high school experience was lack luster to say the least. I had some shitty teachers and my focus was non-existent. My absences were practically tolerated by my parents. I also had an abusive father when I was child and early teen. It wasn't so much physical abuse but the self esteem destroying type. He berated me and tore me down emotionally. I felt I couldn't be myself whenever he was around. I couldn't trust him so I couldn't be vulnerable around him. I was essentially a robot or zombie whenever he was at home. I was practically dehumanized as a child. I've lived in shitty housing and poverty stricken neighborhoods. I feel like I deserve a happy life in adulthood given the shit I've put up with in childhood. I deserve hard work to "work" for me. 


It saddens me greatly when I come across people from good families and great wealth achieve even greater wealth and happier families. I know that I cannot achieve even 5% of what they have and this just destroys me mentally. I'm deeply pessimistic about what the future holds. I don't want to be alive if I can't be happy and comfortable. Why live if there is no effort that makes the life that will make me happy possible? I'm not interested in trudging through life living pay check to pay check slaving away for medium wage scraps just to come home to a shitty relationship with an abusive spouse. I'm not interested in poor housing and non-existent educational opportunities for my children. All of the facets of an unhappy life I mentioned were the lives of my parents, and the lives of my grandparents. This is the life that awaits high ambition and low intelligence.