To make a long story short - I'm a 27 year old male, not formally diagnosed with BPD (haven't been to a shrink yet) but struggling with massive bpd traits my whole life. Had a messed up childhood (father left when I was born, mother also wasn't around since I was 7, was raised by foster homes etc), over the years of struggle I came to a conclusion that relationships are simply a no-go for me cause I always end up messing them up due to massive abandonment issues, depressive episodes, mood changes, emotional dependency etc. I'm relatively stable when i'm not emotionally invested but then the loneliness hits and the cycle starts again.

Just had an intense breakup a few days ago after I fucked up yet another relationship (1 year) with a fp i'm madly in love (or attached) with and my one and only thought is that I can't go on like this, I can't take it anymore. So the course of action is either going back to idealizing suicide and commiting to it or to finally get my ass to therapy as many of my previous partners suggested as a 'goodbye advice'.

Since it will be my first time therapy ever I wanted to ask you all for any tips or advice how to get the most out of the meetings and overall what to do/not do. Thanks a lot in advance.