I am a 23 year old female. Currently in a relationship with a 24 year old male (the first person I have felt real “love” for in many years). When I was 14, I was in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship with a man 4 years older than me. It has severely impacted all of my relationships, I usually feel intense high in love feelings for a couple of months then absolutely repulsed by men and end things after a short amount of time. Until I met my current partner, I fell absolutely head over heels. I can not regulate my emotions. This year has been the worst on my mental health. I’m either feeling intensely high and in love wanting to have sex 24/7 and euphoric, or I’m completely numb and cannot stand physical contact. It fluctuates continually between days. Any stress in my life or work I project on my relationship, I feel I’m completely happy in life or I’m in episodes of anger and sobbing into my pillow in a dark room for hours. 

This fluctuation in my moods is happening over days. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m having panic attacks and in social situations with friends I once laughed with, I find myself having to fake a personality just to bond, when all I want to do is hide away in my room alone. My partner told me he was too tired for the cinema earlier and it resulted in me having an intense episode of rage, followed by tears for two hours because he clearly doesn’t love me or want to spend time with me if he could cancel plans. I feel myself getting worse. I’m unsure if it’s BPD or I just can’t function in relationships. I used to be so care free with no anxiety. Now I’m continually in a state of panic with palpitations and extreme mood swings. I have no idea where to turn. I cannot control this anymore, it’s getting worse each week. I’m trying to maintain an intimate relationship, friendships, work and university. I’m in the UK, does anybody have any advice please on getting help? I have no idea where to turn but I can’t cope living a life like this anymore. I’m not suicidal but I feel I’m going crazy and I’m getting so tired of living with this brain.