Hey all, 

I'm sure some of you have read stuff I wrote on here. So a little synopsis first... BPD hit me at around 21-22. I had just got married and was having work crisis where I would get in trouble at work and try to kill myself over and over again. Happend 3 times over a course of a year and a half. I've been hospitalized 7 times, diagnosed first with depression, then bi-polar, then BPD, PTSD, Anxiety and agoraphobia( newest since DUI). After 15 years of this, in the last 4 years I've had 2 16 week intensive DBT therapy classes, another 20 1x a week DBT class, and weekly individuals since 2011. I used to be a HEAVY drinker and got a DUI last Oct. I've mentioned this several timesin other posts but DBT skills don't work if you use any sort of substance. I've been on UA's for 9 months now in which I've been sober the whole time. I was put on SSD after a 2 year battle last June, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! I haven't been able to work more then 2 days at a time with freakouts since 2010. I go through jobs like I change my underwear not kidding and sometimes it's nearly fatal for me to be in a bad work environment. I also went through a divorce because my ex hus was sick and tired of the suicide stuff so he sent me to CO and well got rid of me and a year later I signed the papers. Kinda shit has rained down since 2010 ( first suicide attempt). I can't seem to catch a break. However I don't know what the hell is going on but my therapist is seeing radical changes in the way I see things, perceive things ( huge for me) and making steps forward in life. This is huge for me. 

So, I am kinda going off the deep end in the "Dramatic Change" part. I'm moving to Australia in a month for a guy I barely know. Yes, this might seem manic and crazy but I'm more going for the experience of change, having to fend for myself, get around, BE BY MYSELF DURING THE DAY!!!! I need to get a workout routine, cook again, clean a house during the day, take the dog for walks again all this stuff I couldn't do for all those years until maybe a month ago. 

I'm also doing a 6 week intensive yoga training in freaking INDIA in Oct. I can't work in a stressful environment, I know that, I don't wanna be on SSD so what do I do.... be mindful, help others be mindful and get paid!!! I have a B.A. in poli sci- and like, my reasonable life goal right now career wise, is to teach yoga. LOL... I know!!! But hey, I'm realizing I have issues and I need to work with having the issues and still be productive and contribute. So that is another big venture.

As far as the suicidal things, my Dad almost died this week, blood clots in the heart after a bad knee surgery etc. The thing about my Dad is he is insanely obese, he can barely walk, back pain, heart pain round the clock, diabetes you name it. He cant work because like me he cant hold a job ( PTSD VIETNAM). But after being back home for a year, I've noticed now, what I didn't before this last episode, he is non stop busy during the day, everyday. While he physically is destroyed, it never hurts his spirits, he has everything to be depressed about, can just lay down and give up but he doesn't. He fights soo hard to live everyday to the fullest.

In this, there is quite a lot going on here. First I'm taking steps in a better direction, maybe crazy and wild to some of you reading but for me not that bad. I'm AWARE of stuff, get that!!!! I'm catching myself and being skillful more often than not. I have major change headed my direction and I'm embracing it instead of pushing back which is the norm for me ( CHANGE &amp; ACCEPTANCE). I'm being accepting about working again, seeing my strengths and pushing there where I can be pushed while accepting limitations. I'm setting goals without that doom and gloom feeling I always get that nothing is going to work out. I'm turning the mind in so many ways. And hell, if I crash, I'm accepting first that I might crash without that preordained failing feeling. I really believe I can really freaking rock it in India and come back wherever and help someone else out. I mean yogi's are really happy people... I really want that too.

 And lastly, we do this thing in DBT where you write down the thing that holds you back the most, put it in a balloon and  let it drift away forever. I've written down other things for this practice but have never been able to let my main one go. For memorial day, I think I'm going to write down that I'm leaving that suicidal crap behind, really, literally let go of it. It might be nice that I'm giving up on giving up on a day that we celebrate peoples lives that have died. 

I know, a lot to read. But I promise progress is possible. I'm proof of it. Still nuts and do crazy things but my intentions are really trying to do positive things. OH AND NOTICE..... I'm not basing my life on a guy. I'm basing is off things for myself. Yah the company will be awesome ( SO HOT and nice), I hope I fall in love and get married again... to who, maybe him? maybe not?... Not the end of the world but my existence does not depend on another person and I have never been this way before that I can remember. 

I wish you all good luck. Just wanted to share how things are looking up for me so I really hope things are looking up for you. Take care all!!!