TL;DR at end.

**Can you describe your first breakthrough moment? Here is mine:**

I had been in weekly therapy for about 3 years or so. I was making huge strides in developing a sense of self that I never had before. I was starting to feel like I mattered for the first time, instead of what I felt before which was that I was simply a faceless nameless conduit for other peoples' needs  and direction that had little to no attachment to the physical body I was in. Before therapy if a guy or girl wanted to have sex with me, I just let it happen in emotional paralysis or detachment. I would say yes to things I didn't even know if I wanted or not, like plans with friends, or food options, or even visiting different countries. I was easily manipulated, used, and existed only for others. I did it all with a smile, and behind closed doors I was the embodiment of emptiness, depression, misery, and anger. I thought that's what "depression" is. I thought that's what "anxiety" is. I was just a paper in the wind without any wants or needs of my own, and I had no idea that I could have wants or needs, or even a voice. Three years of therapy gave me agency for the first time. I told my abusive mother to fuck off. I started having boundaries for the first time. I started standing up for myself, my pleasure, my unique sensitivities, and saying no for the first time.

Three years in therapy is a long time when you don't know the goal you are trying to achieve. All I knew was "it's been years and I am making strides but I am still struggling SO much! How is it that EVERYONE in my life is an asshole?? Every job I get, every new friend I make??" I had fallings out with friends left and right, fights with my sister all the time, and most of all, intense ups and downs with my husband. I was so sick of it, so miserable, so confused...how could someone be in therapy THIS long and still have all this bullshit?

I talk to my therapist over Skype. For about a year, his Skype tagline said "I hate you don't leave me". I looked it up. It was about borderlines. Something clicked for me. Am I that? Is this why? Is THIS the missing piece here? Am I the common denominator in everything going wrong and making me miserable in my life?

I went to therapy, and I asked my therapist. Am I borderline? He said "Yes." 

It was my breakthrough moment. Everything flashed through my mind for weeks. I saw every past interaction, blow up, fight, falling out with new eyes. It always started with me. Even if the other person was a snake, I let the snake in, I danced with the devil. I was bedridden for 30 days. I couldn't move. I felt like BPD was a death sentence. I have distorted perceptions, I blame everyone else, but it's me. How can I ever grow out of this? I found an article that said that although BPD is hard to beat, there is a huge success rate and you can see results in 4-6 weeks of starting therapy. WELL HOT DAMN. I bought all the books, the DBT workbook, read everything I could get my hands on, became VERY active in this sub, and held myself accountable as much as my mind would allow me. I started to stabilize. I started to be able to see my husband's BPD. I helped him out of it over the next couple of years while getting myself out of it too. We helped each other. 

**My husband's breakthrough moment!:**

My sister had graduated from college and my mom threw a big party for her with a DJ and everything. I decided that YES I want to go to this party. I only go to my family events if I want to. I don't go out of obligation. I wanted to celebrate my sister and see my family through my new lens. Before we left, I wasn't sure how I would handle it, so I told my husband I may or may not stick to his side, but only if he is comfortable with that. 

At the party, I was newly confident and talking to people in ways I never had, thanks to therapy. I was dancing with my cousins, gave a speech over the microphone, and had a fucking blast. My husband was expecting me to cling to him, and so he felt abandoned. One of his abandonment triggers is family parties because he was severely neglected as a child and his mom and dad would get drunk and leave him for hours alone. I didn't know this at the time. We got in the car to go home and my husband was seething quietly (borderline rage after feeling abandoned). I said I don't want to drive all the way home, 90 minutes, with him being silently angry. Can we talk? He got out of the car and walked away. I wasn't going to chase him. I had just had so much fun with my family, something I never got to do before and now it was ruined. He didn't come up to me at the party ONCE. He just distanced and distanced and seethed and pouted. I drove home. He took the train home and got home around 2am. The next day he said "The way I was acting was not normal and I see that now. Maybe I do have BPD..." Having that time after his rage gave him enough space to realize his trigger and abandonment and rage. And ever since then he has been 100% open to change, growth, talking. He is a different person, just like I am after my breakthrough. 

We still have triggers, we still struggle, but it's all behind closed doors and we deal with things in therapy, not in the maladaptive ways we used to. Everything is stable. We don't make decisions on emotions anymore. Jobs, friends, our marriage, everything is in its place and both of us have become MUCh more successful at work than we ever imagined. He used to ignore me for 3-4 days at a time during a fight. Now, if we argue or have anything blow up, it's over in minutes. We both say sorry, we come back and nurture, we see our roles, and we move on and get closer and closer. Because we are both still in therapy and working so hard, I would say we have a deeper and even more committed passionate love than couples without BPD. We have grown so much and live consciously because of having this PD.

**TL;DR I shared my and my husband's first (of many) breakthroughs. I want to hear other peoples' breakthrough stories!**