BPD, in combination with a lot of other things (being trans, being raised by a series of manipulators and continuing this pattern in my adult relationships) is ruining my life. I used to be a happy, rather intelligent child. People told me that I would go on to do great things. I wish they had never godamn said anything at all, because now I'm a 24 year old working at Wal-Mart, and I feel like I've run out of time to make anything of myself. I dropped out of school because it's too overwhelming and I ended up completely failing two semesters because I couldn't handle it. 

I have basically zero impulse control. I feel as though I'm an outside observer watching as someone else takes over my body and fills it with godawful fast food and drugs, and I'm powerless to stop it, powerless to do anything but watch myself ruin my body and mind day after day. 

Self harm makes it a little bit better. The last time I did it I ended up carving the words "help me" and "I am in Hell" on my thighs. It was cathartic, and it calmed down the storm that rages constantly in my mind for a little while. But it obviously can't be a permanent solution.

I have pretty much zero skill at maintaining healthy relationships. I'm told that I come on too strong, but I'm only expressing how I feel. I guess I just weird people out. It hurts in a way that I can't even explain, and I don't know what to do about it because that's the only way I know how to be. 

It doesn't help that my perception of myself changes constantly. Am I a woman? Genderfluid? Agender? Am I a lesbian? Am I asexual? The answer to those changes all the time, and I'm so sick of having no idea who or what I really am. 

I feel like a Mr. Potato Head. I look however I need to look to make whoever's playing with me happy, but under it I'm just...blank.