So basically I was with my ex gf for 5 years, and I was actually thinking of buying a ring and proposing. But she came home one day at 2am from a friend's party, and confessed to hooking up with a coworker. And she kept begging for another chance.

I asked her if the coworker had a bigger dick, and apparently he did. I broke up with her the next day, and ever since then I've had a cuckold fetish.

Idk I just feel really emasculated from that tbh. I remember after I broke up I tried to watch porn to get my mind off things. But I'd always gravitate towards porn like "wife cheats on husband with 8 inch bbc" and stuff like that. Before that stuff never turned me on but now it did. I'd read reddit posts where the wife cuckolded the husband with his high school bully, and this is super embarrassing to say, but that stuff got me off harder than anything else.

And I still watch/read stuff like that. It's honestly become an addiction tbh. Like whenever I'd take a bathroom break or on my lunch break at work, I'd masturbate to stuff like that.

And afterwards it just makes me feel so emasculated and worthless as a man. Like I feel like I'm not a man, other men are superior to me and I'm inferior, I feel inadequate and insecure in my dick size, etc. I'm only 5 inches so I'm not sure if I'm big enough, sometimes i feel like I'm never gonna be able to please a woman ever. And no woman will ever like me or want to have sex with me ever. And she cheated cuz the other guy was better.

And before I wasn't like this at all. I had amazing confidence and I use to be a little cocky too. I was a D1 wrestler back in college and I'm a solid 200lbs of muscle. I know I'm not an unattractive guy, but inside I just feel worthless.

And there's been a lot of family trauma too which I guess just feeds my insecurities. Before i became a D1 athlete in high school I was this fat chubby kid who'd just get rejected by every girl. And I was bullied a lot and beat up too.

And I've been fantasizing about that too, where my ex gf hooks up with the guys who use to beat me up and bully me back in my freshman year of high school.

Sometimes I get suicidal about this fetish tbh. Like I just never feel good enough. I Workout 4-5 hours a day everyday (lift, wrestle, jiu-jitsu, play rugby) to keep my brain occupied because if I don't those thoughts will come back and I will feel suicidal.

Therapys helping and it's nice to get stuff off my chest there. But my self esteem and self worth is still dirt low because of this fetish.

I feel worthless and inferior to every other man, and sometimes I feel jealous of other guys who have bigger dicks than me. I wish mine were at least 8 inches, not 5 inches. But I don't want to do surgery cuz I'm not sure how safe that is. I just wish there is a woman out there who will accept me the way I am.

Anyways, sorry for rambling I know this is really long. I just needed to get this all off my chest, it's honestly really embarrassing to me and I haven't really confided in anyone about all this.

Any advice for me? I've been to therapy but it's really embarrassing to talk about this with a therapist. They just tell me to stop watching porn. I try to, but I keep going back.

Also I'm talking to a girl right now who's had an extensive sexual history, she says she loves me, I guess I'm afraid she'll want another man who isn't me. Or maybe I won't be as good in bed as her exes.

Advice from BOTH men and women would be appreciated.  And a question for women in relationships/marriages, do you ever desire sex with another man who isn't your boyfriend/husband?