so lately i’ve been reeeeeally experiencing some serious negative emotions based on bpd triggers that aren’t anyone’s fault and that i cant avoid intrusive thoughts get to me after i feel like i’ve been “blown off” (kinda) by my partner. i’ve always internalized my problems but this has been going kind of too far with my reactions lately. i cut myself off and cry and do had coping mechanisms and tell him it’s okay but isolate for the rest of the day and deactivate my social media and stuff, and then hours or a day or so later i feel better... ish. it’s always plaguing my brain and telling me that he doesn’t like me, every time he expresses affection my brain says hey remember when he said you guys would hang out and he either got distracted or just never followed up haha he fucking hates you and hopes you’ll die. it’s something thats been really hurting me, and i reached out to my partner (who likely also has bpd) that it hurt my feelings but i know it wasn’t his intention or fault but i just wanted him to know and i have trauma (which he should already know?) but when i did he told me every second he wasn’t hanging out with someone he was suicidal and stuff and he said i do the same thing and cancel plans but i feel like i haven’t unless i genuinely couldn’t do whatever we had planned, not because i go hang with other people (lol i don’t have that many people to hang out with!!) m. i can’t tell where my intrusive thoughts end and the truth starts and i feel like he’s incredibly angry with me and doesn’t understand where i’m coming from with my problems. 

am i being unreasonable? i don’t know how to reply to him i am so scared he’s going to leave me or hate me i don’t want to reply. i’m lucky i didn’t try to reach out when i was in the middle of one of these episodes because what i wrote before was intensely guilt trippy and bad and i’m sure if he reacted negatively to this, that would have been bad. i really felt like we had a great relationship but now i feel so sad and uncomfortable and i don’t know what to do. i also have never had good therapy and don’t have coping mechanisms so i don’t really know how to explain myself? idk.

what do i do??