i’ve been struggling to pull myself out of a looming depression for a few weeks now. it’s all just getting on top of me, last week our cat was run over and killed and if i’d have only gone to the store that evening i would have possibly seen him and therefore have taken him home, but i was tired after therapy and didn’t want to buy binge food so i stayed home and now he’s dead and i feel it’s my fault. therapy has been really stressful as i nearly lost my place due to low attendance, lots of new people joined the group and more new people are joining in a few weeks, one of the therapists got ill and has been off sick since the week after i came in with a cold and i’m worried he’ll die and it’ll be my doing. yesterday a bombshell got dropped on us because the people that fund my therapy is with want to cut the funding which would mean no more therapy, which is the only help i get because psychiatrists seem to hate me? then my fiancé went out to see friends and as usual took hours to reply even though he was awake and not too drunk to reply me and my rats were fighting all night so i couldn’t sleep out of fear one would kill another. when i eventually cried myself to sleep at 4am i kept waking up thinking there were insects on me and woke up jumping out of bed and hitting myself to get them off me, i’ve been awake since 6am and on and off crying, i don’t want my fiancé to come home although i do really but i feel i’ll say something i’ll regret and he’ll probably just want to go to sleep and i’ll be left alone all day with my shitty head and i don’t think i have much self-control left to resist self-harming, i’m at the end of my tether. sorry for wall of text and ranting everything is just shitty rn and i wish i was dead 