I'm not sure where to start with this. I don't want to self diagnose myself with any disorder or diminish them, but I've been dealing with symptoms similar to what I've seen in bpd individuals. I'm not saying I have it at all, I've realized I have some sizable issues I need to deal with. I have no trauma really, only that I spent a large portion of my childhood completely alone with my mom in the hospital and no friends, and I think this prolonged loneliness has fucked me up. 

 I consider myself a good person. At least, that's what I tell myself. I really do enjoy helping people and I care deeply. But I'm always plagued by the fear of abandonment and being alone, which leads to me unrightfully seeking attention as reassurance. I thought once I had finally had friends in my life I would feel better, but now the risk of losing people is even greater and more stressful. I have worked on myself some, and stopped (accidentally) using my suicidality for sympathy, but it's so difficult feeling I have to handle everything on my own. I know I can't expect anyone to save me, but I feel like I can't survive without my friends. I've taken breaks from talking to everyone before because everything gets overwhelming. Last time I did I was convinced everyone was going to leave me so I was going to leave for good, and I didn't tell anyone, but that only lasted less than a week and when I came back honestly I was a little disappointed by the lack of interest in me being gone by them. It was triggered just from a friend apologizing to talking to me less because he just met some girl and I took that the wrong way. I know it's not rational but I was convinced none of my friends wanted to talk to me anymore. It was also in those times where I felt irrationally angry with everyone and everything and knew I had to take a step back. I don't do things purposely for attention, I recognize that's horrible, but I sometimes have the urge to, and I've done it without thinking. I have this constant need for validation unless I think everyone hates me. But my friends supporting me through episodes only convinces me for so long that they care.

 I'm trying to be a better person than my past, as in not overloading people with my emotional issues and controlling my rare outburtsts, but the fear of being completely alone again like when I was younger always haunts me. I don't know how some people do it. I guess I'm just needy. I stuck to not talking about my issues anymore to my friends, but the pain just piles up. I know it's for the best but I'm just not strong. I'm tired of the mood swings. I always feel empty, or incredibly on edge. I don't want to try or be here anymore. I'm despicable. My ex left me because I damaged his mental health and I'll never forgive myself for that. I don't know how to cope and also not hurt people in the process. I really don't want to be this way. I want to be a different person. It really feels like I can't get better, that I'm an innately flawed person. I always feel alone and I deserve to be

 I know I need therapy. That's something I keep meaning to do... but it's hard to find a therapist and I find it so difficult to get myself to do things. I've just never talked about any of this to anyone before