I think I am slowly losing my mind. I hate myself but I can‘t pinpoint the exact reason why. I generally hate everything about me, except my eye color and a few other things. I hate my father and I don't have a reason for it either. Every small thing he does irritates me and I just feel better when I am not talking to him. I want to stay true to myself however I don't know what my true self is. My personality, preferences and boundrees change on a daily basis. I can just start to hate someone for no reason with whom I got along really well (not the case with my father). One half of the day I want to get castrated and destroy my masculinity but the other half I am afraid of losing my balls due to cancer, torsion and stuff like that. I hate being a filthy male. It iritates me how stupid and worthless I am in comparison to womem. But I would never change my gender. I don't have anything against it. I just wanna stay in my body even though I hate it. I wanna die but at the same time I have one goal and hope for the future. I wanna improve myself  but I can’t. It seems to be unmanageable. I have so many problems. Only thing I do all the time is finding excuses and overthinking. It is like trying to punch something under water. Worst part is the fact that I am just weak. It is not the worst human being ever dealt with. I am not a mental health specialist, but I'd say it is pretty mild on the scale of mental health problems in comparison to other stories about similar things. There is a chance, I don't see how bad it really is, but i think that is not that case. I can get up from bed in the morning. I sometimes even have energy to do something productive. Unfortunately my only goal is to find a girlfriend. Not for sex. I just want someone who will accept me and likes me for who I am. I don't have and I never had a true friend. I don't even know if something like a true friend exists and if it exists how it feels to have one. Probably I just want to have a girlfriend to fill the void from having no friends. My hope that I eventually will find love keeps me alive. I know with my problems, I can’t get one. But like I mentioned earlier I am too weak to manage my problems, so I am just trying to convince myself to commit suicide. Again I am too weak. The hope is too strong, stronger than me. I hate it. I know it isn't possible for me to have a girlfriend or a true friend. I just drive people away every time. And I can't blend in with my generation in my country. I am in high school and I am from Czechia. I have very different humor and passions than my classmates. Society here is pretty negative including my classmates and my family. Everybody just gossips every time and wishes all the worst to each other. I guess it is not only Czechia, it is the whole world but that is just more depressing.  In conclusion, I have a weird mind. I want something and I know I can’t get it without work. At the same time I know I can’t manage it all. I know the solution (suicide) but the hope that I’ll get eventuely what I so much want stoping me from taking that solution. I am stuck in this endless loop.

For better understanding for those who will possibly read this far I decided to add list of the major problems I have:

Lack of self esteem, realy strong social anxiety, hating my self, lack of motivation, possibly depresion, lack of passions (I have only two: LEGO (childish) and Tanks and AFVs in general (weird), I also wanna write but I am horrible at it), suicidal thoughts ect…

It is not everything but it is the most noticeable and It is pretty mild stuff in comparison to others but I don't know if I can handle it by myself.  I am distant from my family, so I can't share with them basically anything. I have no friends. I have visited several psychotherapists but I started to hate the only one I got along with and the other ones weren't my cup of tea. I hope I will find another one after the end of summer. I don't even know If I will be alive by the end of summer. I don't wanna get back to my classmates. I don't hate most of them but it is just a weird situation between us. I don't know how to get unstuck from this loop. I don't know if I could change and improve myself and should try it again or at this point go for the "easier" solution (suicide).