I'm not entirely sure this is the best sub to post this in? I think the impact of my recent half-diagnosis is making me feel worse about a lot of things, mainly the situation I describe in this post, as it is making me feel very emotional, and also making me question a lot of my actions towards the people I care about. Also, I think my actions and reactions reflect me having BPD? So I felt like it made sense to talk to other people with BPD/people who are close with people who have BPD and get their thoughts on the situation and how to best cope. If this is not a good sub for me to post this in let me know and I will take it down and find somewhere else to post it!

CW's in order of appearance: Therapy, Relationships, Abuse, Drugs, Suicide

Some background: I (F21) am relatively new to BPD. I suspected I had it as a teen, but my therapist at the time told me that teenagers don't usually get diagnosed with personality disorders as a lot of the time the alleged symptoms can merely be the result of being a teenager. However, many of the problems/symptoms I had as a teenager have persisted into my life now. In some ways I have gotten much, much better, and in other ways I think I have gotten worse. Regardless of the improvement I've made since I last suspected it as a possibility, I still have a lot of work to do, and this past month has proven that to me in the worst way possible (which I'll get into next paragraph, it's the whole point of this post). My therapist, actually the same one who told me she didn't think I had BPD when I brought it up at 15, recently told me that she thought it would make sense, and was likely that I had BPD, I am having trouble coping with it, and beginning to think that it may be impossible for me to become a better person as a result of it.

The actual situation: My partner (NB21), who I live with, was abused in many ways as a child, and a great amount of that abuse was the result of their dad's drug use. One of many ways that this played out involved his dad lying about not being on drugs when he very clearly was. I did not know this until prior to the event I am about to describe took place. About a month and a half ago my partner's grandma passed away, and it hit them very hard. They went home for a week, from Friday to Friday, and the funeral and burial were on Tuesday and Wednesday respectively. I had been having a really bad summer, mental health wise, and the weeks leading up to this time had been particularly painful, and I was starting to have some very severe issues in my sleep schedule. On Monday morning I had to work a long shift as a prep cook, and unfortunately I was unable to get any sleep at all the night prior, so I went into the shift already in a bad and exhausted place. Furthermore, the way being a prep cook works at my job involves being alone, which gave me time to think alone, something which at the time was not a very great thing for me to be doing, and spent a lot of time focused on my trauma. After work I went to a friend's house, and he offered me a small dose of shrooms. I normally do not do drugs, when I do it's just weed, and I never drink, and most of the reasoning for this involves my partner's trauma. However, I had been in such a bad place, and my partner was out of town, so I decided to take my friend up on their offer and take the shrooms. All was fine for the first few hours, and then I began to get bored of the trip. A few more hours passed and I felt pretty sober, and decided to text my partner (who has asked me specifically not to text them when I'm high). A couple texts into the conversation they asked if I was high, and I denied it, and asked why they thought that. They told me they weren't going to talk to me right now, and the conversation stopped. I spent the rest of the trip ungodly anxious and stressed, torn between coming clean or just trying to hide the truth. A couple hours later, I was at home and getting ready for bed, and my partner texted me. We talked for a little bit, and then they said that they were sorry they accused me of being on drugs. I came clean about the situation, which understandably enraged them (keep in mind this was the day before their grandma's funeral, who they had been close with, and their dad did this to them numerous times as a child (which once again, I did not know until after this had happened)).

Now a month and a half has passed, and we have gone through various phases of healing. In the start they were angry, then we didn't talk for a week, then I experienced another personal tragedy (unrelated to them), which pushed them into talking to me, then college started (we are both full time students) and we began spending more time together as a result. Things aren't great, but they are better. We are talking most days (occasionally they are still too mad/hurt to talk to/see me), we are occasionally emotionally intimate, they have said they love me several times. There has been no physical intimacy beyond them occasionally initiating brief cuddling, and on one occasion kissing me on the cheek. We also signed a lease together for an apartment for next year. They have made it very clear that they still love and care about me, they do not intend to break up with me, that I am still the most important person to them, and that with time they will get over this, but that it will be a while.

In the meantime, I continue to be deeply depressed. The personal tragedy I mentioned without detail is effecting me very heavily, so is the potential of having BPD, so is trying to cope with childhood trauma, and so is managing classes, two jobs, a social life, three student organizations, homework, and sleep (my partner is also very, very busy, making them very stressed out a lot of the time). Between all of this I find myself very suicidal, although I am 100% sure I will not go through with it, I do not have a plan, nor do I have access to any method that I could do impulsively. However, one of the main reasons I am feeling suicidal is because I just cannot forgive myself for hurting the love of my life so badly. I feel just so awful. I have apologized to them again and again, and I have made it clear that what I did will never happen again, and they believe me, but it doesn't heal the harm that has been done. I'm starting to feel like I am toxic to them and they are better off without me. This is without a doubt the shittiest thing I have ever done to them, it's not even close, but I am an emotionally immature person, and I almost certainly have BPD, and dating someone with BPD can be... messy... I want nothing more than to tell them how much I love them and care about them, I am doing every possible thing I can to do make their life as good as I possibly can, but it still doesn't heal what I did. I have trouble imagining I will ever feel okay about this, they mean so much to me and I cannot believe I hurt them so badly, especially in a way reminiscent to how they were traumatized. I feel like I ruined the one good thing happening in my life, and even if it will be okay again I am probably at least months away from that point, and don't know how to handle the feeling of sheer guilt that I am experiencing.

So the point of this post is, how do you cope with hurting someone you love?