I've been falling back into old habits recently: drinking, self-harm, restrictive eating. My relationship with my partner has really been suffering because I'm suicidal and It's hard to be loving and affectionate when you don't want to be alive. My only friends are my dnd group and one person from my class. recently that one person has been hanging out with other friends. It's like I don't exist. So i've been telling myself I think they are immature and annoying so I don't feel as hurt when they inevitably stop talking to me. But my dnd friends, well I like them. I never talk to them outside of the game. They hang out together, but i'm never invited. Recently, I texted one of them when I was drunk. I asked if my laugh was annoying and then ended up telling them that I feel like they all secretly hate me and wish I never joined the game. He told me that wasn't true. He didn't seem all that concerned, and so I just felt stupid and stopped talking. Well, last night, before our session started he came over to me and gave me a hug for the first time and told me that he loved me. I don't understand why it's so upsetting to me. But ever time I think about it I cry. My partner, my parents, my therapist they all acknowledge my sadness, but for some reason coming from him it meant so much more to me. What does that say? It's really always been that way. I remember in high-school fantasizing about my english teacher noticing my scars and asking about them. He never did, but I think if he had I would've been an absolute wreck. I don't understand why my friends hug made me so sad. I can't understand why it it mattered so much to me. I don't understand why being in his arms would feel so much better than being in my partner's. I'm not attracted to him. Someone, please help me understand because I'm so confused and I feel bad that my usual supports and people that love me most are seeming to be less important