Before you read this, this post contains very explicit information about self harm and suicidal thoughts, please consider not reading it if you might have some sort of trigger with these topics. 

I just had horrible stress crisis the past days. The day before yesterday I was by myself and I was going to take a shower, I locked the door, sat in the corner of my room and just cried a lot. I got into my bed and remained there for probably an hour crying and shouting, then I started hitting and punching myself, I took a cutter and cut my legs multiple times, I then went to my bed again and remained there another 15 minutes crying, after a while I could get up. This was just the beginning of an actual living nightmare. The next day (yesterday) I was studying when I noticed I was getting angry for no reason, I knew what was going to happen so I went to my room and locked myself, as soon as I did so I broke into tears and fall into my bed. Afterwards I began to hit and punch myself again, I again took the cutter and cut myself in the legs and took the cutter to my wrist, I did cut a bit but not enough to cause any major problems, I again took the cutter to my legs and kept cutting the same wounds I made earlier. I realized the cuts were quite deep so I took lots of toilet paper and got it around my legs. I again went to my bed and kept crying a lot, but it wouldn’t get better, it just got even worse and every time I tried to move a bit or stretch myself I would feel so uncomfortable in the stomach part. I remained for Ana hour and a half or two in my bed repeating myself horrible stuff, like I hate you and die kind of stuff. I really think I’m useless, I exist but I provide nothing good for everyone, and if I was somebody else I would kill myself with no doubt. I could get up, then I realized the cuts were very severe, so I took this medical mesh (I don’t know how to call it) and made pressure with a tape. I walked to the kitchen and took lots of cereal, milk with sugar and cookies, ate everything, then crawled to the bathroom and got my fingers into my throat to vomit. I vomited everything and felt a lot better. This allowed me to get a shower, when I’m feeling bad I ask myself if I’ve got a shower, if I’ve done my studies, if I need to clean something, so I have something to do. In the shower I took this tape out to replace it afterwards, but I noticed the wound was white and very wide. The bleeding wasn’t stopping and the tape with mesh was horrible looking. My aunt is a doctor so I kinda know how to treat this since she taught me how to do so. I remained there, laying in the floor for 5 minutes or so treating the wound, once the bleeding would stop I got the tape again and sealed it. The rest of the day I felt a combination of release and blame, I now just feel like shit again, my throat hurts, my face hurts, I have bruises throughout my body, I feel like shit personally, I now feel like there’s no way to get out of this, I feel like I have no future at all, I want to kill myself, I do everything wrong, I hope I wasn’t born at all. Next time I won’t treat my wounds, and if I get infected or it doesn’t heal I will do nothing about it. I’m sorry for being such a pussy, I really wish I just had someone to love, even me.