I feel like I'm spiraling, and where else does a person turn while spiraling in 2019 besides reddit? Most of this has centers around coping with a breakup, with a bit of context, and some questions for the BPD community after.

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I was officially diagnosed with BPD about a year and a half ago during a hospitalization. There's a lot of circumstantial reasons that led to the particular breakdown that landed me in the cuckoo's nest, but thats for another day. I had begun dating my partner about 8 months before my hospitalization, and they were beyond supportive throughout this traumatic, scary, uncertain period. After my hospitalization, I really did a lot of long overdue work on myself-- addressing things from my childhood in therapy openly and honestly for the first time ever, beginning to recognize what triggers my extreme emotional responses, cutting out alcohol which greatly increased my volatility, and working on articulating my feelings. Additionally, I've turned to self harm throughout my life as a coping mechanism for when my emotions became too much to handle. I've made a concerted effort to try to stop this, but I still struggle from time to time (although much less than previously).

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My partner and I have been arguing a lot in the past year or so. And, as is the case with many BPDers, I've got some serious abandonment issues. I continually fall into the same cycle: I become emotionally hurt (whether logical or not), I demand an apology for what I feel is an injustice or an attack, the more I don't get an apology the more upset I become, and sometimes this tips over into incredibly ridiculous breakdowns (yes, I realize this is not at all rational). In the past few months, I've really tried to focus on the dealing with the earlier parts of that cycle better-- recognizing why I feel emotionally hurt, communicating that in a levelheaded fashion to my partner, and trying to open a dialogue *before* any spiraling happens. Of course, I'm not always admittedly capable of that. Other times, my communication is spot on but my partner can be defensive or even antagonistic (which I think has developed as a coping mechanism from dealing with my BPD and/or neither of us understanding BPD well enough initially). When I feel like my emotional energy cup is low- like, when I've tried to reign in my emotions due to other things, and I feel totally spent- communicating and avoiding meltdowns becomes much more difficult for me. I also have noticed that when I'm under loads of stress, regulating my emotions becomes more challenging and taxing.

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My partner has felt overwhelmed for a long time, and I think that they only stayed with me this long out of basic human compassion. I don't think they've felt fulfilled in a while. We do have moments of "normalcy" and "happiness", but those can't carry us through the rest of the times. Their response in the past year or so has been to "toughen up" and to not allow my mental health to affect their life. I'd suggested going to counseling to have a safe and productive space to communicate about how my BPD affects us both, and to have a professional help guide us through navigating BPD and relationships (and how my BPD affects both of us). They were lukewarm about the idea, at best. I still don't know if this is because they're just completely checked out of the relationship (and have been) or if they're adverse to therapy.

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I thought that things were beginning to improve as we were starting to have productive, useful conversations and work on our communication with one another. But then, I had a complete meltdown and I'm fairly certain that its over for good. I'm still stuck in the loop of only remembering the good, and wishing that things were normal- while also blaming myself and my mental health for everything- while also feeling abandoned- and also feeling needy- and also being scared- and also feeling relieved. I'm all over the place.

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So, here I am-- turning to reddit to ask some questions to internet strangers because I'm not really sure who else to ask.

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1. I logically know how to occupy myself and my time to make it through what feels like the lowest of lows, but I'm having trouble actually doing those things. When I'm alone, I just cry- sometimes to the extent of ending up having a full blown panic attack. There's also the attachment of the fact that this person stood solidly by my side throughout my hospitalization and was there every step of the way for my diagnosis. Do you have any suggestions for making it through a breakup with BPD and for separating out the link in my head between this person (and their support) and my BPD diagnosis?
2. I logically know that I want this person to be happy, even if that doesn't include me. But not including me hurts, because I really thought we were each other's "forever people". Any tips on helping to remind myself to focus on the logical, and separate my emotions from how I view them? (Is that even what you're "supposed" to do? Is that robotic? I don't even know any more..)
3. When do I (or do I) need to completely cut myself off from this person? I still have hope that there could be a way for us to learn to deal with BPD together, but I also understand that this person may not want to. Living in that wishing world is not logical, but the romantic in me thinks it might be. How do fellow BPDers determine fantasy from reality when it comes to relationships? Are my emotions logical or blown out of proportion? Am I completely clueless, or patient? 
4. Is it possible to recover from this? Right now I feel unloveable and undeserving of love because of how much my mental health has negatively affected others. It makes me feel like I'm better off just not really letting people in romantically because I'm not capable of regulating my emotions in a healthy way. I thought I was doing well, but I think that was again me dreaming. I'm so confused.

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How do you all deal with BPD in your relationships? In your breakups? Do you ever feel like you're always going to be the problem, no matter how much you don't want to be? 

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Sorry for the rambling, I've got lots bouncing around in my head and just sort of needed to get it out.

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TLDR: How to cope with BPD in healthy relationships? When to realize its not the BPD, but the relationship, that is the problem? How to get through a breakup with BPD?