I don't know how to make this make sense. 

I recently did something shitty. I told my ex (chaotic off and on) they should block me because I'm going downhill and I don't want them to feel responsible for taking care of me. I see them on Instagram and become sad since they didn't respond yet. I realize it makes no sense for me to be upset so I block them on Instagram so I won't become obsessive over checking when they are online. I thought I was being mature and wise. The block was meant to limit me. The next day I discovered they removed our photo together (we agreed to let each other know when we were gonna take it off). I felt heartbroken so I message begging for an explanation as to why they would remove our photo knowing I was struggling. They respond saying my message is upsetting and that they removed it after seeing I blocked them and how they had no intention to hurt me. They then say they didn't wanna talk to me for a while. I get confused and in the middle of asking why I see they block me from messaging them. This completely destroys me. My pain turns to fury. I blow them up on Facebook and Instagram. I become ruthless and intentionally try to hurt them. 

I spend the next two days thinking I was justified until my sister and best friend (both who don't even like my ex) tell me I was in the wrong. Now I feel paralyzed by my guilt. I feel so shameful and devastated that I intentionally tried to hurt someone whom I love so dearly. I know if I try to apologize now I would once again be disrespecting their need for space. Yet, I feel like I need them to know how deeply sorry I am and that I am aware I was behaving like a child of Satan. I want to write them a letter as it's more personal than an email but I feel like that's just me trying to manipulate them into forgiving me.

I'm suffocating on this guilt and need relief. I need to feel like I'm an actual good person. This need to be good has been preventing me from doing pretty much everything because I'm scared I'm going to do something awful again. I'm so critical of every little action I'm making. I'm having a hard time responding to emails, talking to my family and friends. I'm isolating myself because I feel so evil. 

Does any of this make sense? It's truly making me feel like I'm losing my mind. My eyelashes are falling out and I'm taking it as a sign of divine punishment :D