
I’ve kind of thought I’ve had something “wrong” (for lack of a better word) with me for awhile, i knew it was bi-polar disorder, my mood swings don’t ever last long. But anytime I’ve looked up BPD the results made it sound so intense. But I’ve been doing more digging and the intense fear of abandonment is what really struck me. Growing up my mother abandoned me a lot, emotionally and physically. I’ve never really had any stable relationships, platonic or romantic. The tiniest smallest things set me off into an insane and ridiculous fit of anger. All of my emotions are intense, which just seems normal to me. I don’t like myself.. at all. A lot of them time when i look at myself i don’t even recognize who I’m looking at. 

I talked to my therapist about this last time i saw her, and she agreed that i do in fact have BPD symptoms, but she didn’t diagnose me. I went home and spoke to my boyfriend about it also, and he said that yeah i definitely show signs of having it. He and i were talking the other day about how i felt guilty for the way i spoke to my son out of a moment of frustration, he said I’m a little neurotic also (not in a mean way, just an observation). And I’ve found that those 2 things normally go hand in hand. 

I don’t know what to do about this information.. I’ve been going to therapy for a little over a year, not very consistently though because of income. But i feel like just talking about it isn’t helping. Is that all there is to do? I feel a sense of guilt around the possibility of having BPD, and i don’t know why. But at the same time it is nice to know the reason behind the way i act. 

This is ruining my relationship, it’s affecting the way i parent, it impacts my day to day life. I don’t know what to do.