I have a standard family. If standard means grown assholes causing severe anxiety every waking second and having a blatantly traumatic childhood of getting forced to be happy to cover the trauma. Then yes, my family is standard. My “family” is dangerously like a cult.

I am in a cult. I was fucking born into a cult. When I subconsciously wandered my emotional wellbeing away from the crazy traumatic events of my life when I was younger (when i was 6), I saw a better way to live than being a toy that my parents and everyone around me grew tired of. That ‘fantasy’ grew as I grew and now that I’m 16, I can’t continue living somewhere that doesn’t make any sense when I know that there’s something better out there. I won’t come back to this; First thing I gotta do is get out first. But I can’t get out easily. I can but I at least need someone to remind me of that ideal place as I’m carrying the weight of growing up in a fucked up cult-like place, which I can’t get because my personality type is INTJ. I’m not crazy

Things are only getting worse as I continue being stuck here and knowing somthing better. I’m starting to lose myself. I’m not kidding, I can’t function properly in terms of having a healthy personality or healthy anything. I have had severe depression, existential crisis, mental problems that I have never gotten help for apart from my own I’m young, I DONT KNOW SHIT. I’m terrified of what will happen to me when I continue to stay. I know things have to be worse before it gets better but when? When does it get better? When I reach the edge for the umpteenth time and feel the only way to escape is to kill myself (happened once already). This isn’t just some homework that’s almost due problem. This is my life that’s affecting my and a threat to my existence as a whole. I am tired of people telling me to wait and that I’ll eventually get there. It doesn’t work like THAT!!!! When you’re aware, you’d have to be able to leave that place but I can’t!!!!!! It’s only making things worse and worse until I’m lost completely.