I just wanted to get some things off my chest. I miss when the people I respect still respected me. I have fallen short of the kind of person I want to be so many times, I have so little faith left in my strength of will to keep being better.  And yet I struggle to keep trying anyway, as futile as it seems. It's either that or die, really. It is so exhausting, this existence.  I want friends so badly but I fear letting anyone else close enough for that. I will just hurt them too. All I can think of are all the mistakes I've made and how shameful and dishonorably I've behaved. I am in a constant state of fear of fucking up or not being good enough. It is so frustrating, feeling this way, knowing you're helping create your own self fulfilling prophecy of misery. But feeling so out of control to stop it... More affirmations I guess...What good are they if you don't believe them though? I suppose the idea is that if I keep at it, maybe someday I might. Meh. On my tombstone it'll read "too little too late".