Hi, I'm 23 and have been suffering with depression amongst other mental health problems (only diagnosed with adhd though) for the last decade or so, pretty much as long as I remember. It has effected all aspects of my life, friendships and relationships and social life (where i pretty much had none but wanted it), financially, education, just everything I feel like I never had any control over.

This last year has been the best in some ways, I've had some big changes, including getting a new job which is a proper professional job and not just retail or warehouse work like I did previously. I also got into my first relationship with my girlfriend at the end of 2020, literally the last day of the year lol so we just had our first anniversary. 

But I'm overdrawn and don't have enough income to pay it off so our anniversary celebrations was just a card and a meal. Not as special as I would like to have made it but it's my own fault for being stupid and getting into debt.

And it feels like my old troubles and worries are just replaced with new ones. Like how the universe can't create or destroy energy only convert it but it's always the same. 

It doesn't feel like a temporary thing feeling bad, it feels permanent and feeling good is only temporary. There are things i can't comprehend and upset me a lot and i see no solution, no way of making things better. I have been on sertraline since june and though it was working and has helped, it just kinda feels like a cover, i feel artificial, as soon as i stop taking it, it's just lil old me. Nothing changes. 

I look at my life objectively, from the outside, and i see there is nothing wrong with it in the physical world. It's all in my head. Sure I could get therapy to help me process things and deal with everything. But I don't want to, i don't want to deal with it i want it to stop, which Is not possible it would seem. And so, i want to leave this world.