I have suffered from depression since I was a child pretty much. Nothing works for me and every day is a battle. I think i have C-PTSD. It's really hard to get 'help' at the moment and probably the last 2 years have been the worst years of my life, not even because of covid-19. I have tried lots of therapy and its still ongoing, and I've also tried every type of anti-depressant class etc so please dont say 'YoU nEEd TO sEE a ThEarpisT'. This is more the fact that I just cant bear how much this is impacting my family when their seems to be no solution to my issues which I have always tried to address. 

I'm 24 female, and I still live at home. My parents are 70 and 65 respectively. Yes, they had me later in their lives. I have an older brother but he is 'doing his own thing' on the other side of the country and really isnt interested in any of us as young men forming their lives usually are.  

Im very close with my parents, my mum especially. They are the ONLY support I have. The problem is because I have such severe depression, I know this taking such a toll on them and I cant handle it any longer. I literally want to die just thinking about the stress, pain and heartache they are going through worrying about me. My dad cried the other day and he is a strong man. I really wish I could just stop talking about my problems, but I have no one to to talk to half the time and I just want someone to hold me. I feel so weak and I just want a 'shoulder to cry on'. 

Practically, we have a very good relationship and I help them out as much as I can with day-to-day things. I pay them rent and I have a full-time job, but Im struggling to work and my mum does a lot for me. Things are very very bad for me every day at the moment and I'm feeling suicidal most days. I feel incapable of living in a sharehome or by myself at this stage because of the way I am. Maybe thats selfish and immature, but I have a lot of complex problems with anxiety around people my age.

My mum cries a lot because she doesn't know how to help me anymore. Its destroying me seeing her like this and i wish i could just turn off everything like a tap once and for all. I wanted to just stop existing tonight seeing her cry for me. I feel like a burden on everyone and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. This depression is not a short term thing, its been going on for YEARS.

My mum is fucking 70, she doesnt need this stress at her age. Its a ''double whammy'' that adds to my depression. I feel like im tearing everyone apart and its so hard to live with because I really have tried to change and get better for years but their my only support. I can understand why people top themselves bcausae the reality is Depression destroys everyone around them. I promised my mother I would never do it, and I know they would be worse off if I did....but life is still tragic in this situation for everyone and why should anyone have to put up with this?