Ive been mentally I’ll as long as I can remember. As a little kid I used to write poems about wanting to die, or not exist. I’ve just always hated myself and my life. It’s not that I don’t live comfortably or have blessings, I do, I have many but I also have a fucked up brain and lots of trauma that stops me from appreciating the small things or even big things. I can remember a single time in my life I was happy, I have always felt like I’m living outside out my body watching everything happen to me, and never being present. I feel like happiness is unattainable because I’ve never had it and therefore there’s no reason to stay. Mental hospitals don’t help. My therapist doesn’t help, I’ve tried a million which is already a monumental task in of itself when you barely can even shower. Meds don’t help. My family is part of the problem. I don’t have any friends. Despite years of apps and efforts. Drugs and alcohol doesn’t help. The only time people pretend to care is when I attempt so obviously I’m addicted to it and the thought but it’s not really for attention it’s just because I’m tired of trying. What reward is there. We all die one way or another and I’ve just been suffering more and more every year, I can’t do this if it gets worse and it seems like it inevitably will, so what are my options. I feel like I’m on the road to just ending it. Plus I lose health insurance in a year and I can’t seem to find any jobs that pay well enough to even afford company insurance for my meds and whenever I’m off of them it gets even worse. I’m ugly, no one has ever truly listened to me. I’m just a bother to everyone I know. I listen to everyone and no one can even bother to listen when I’m crying for help let alone normally. Why do some people get to be born just happy and I’m born fucked up forever until I kms. It’s not fair or right. I’m so desperate for even a sliver of love. Nobody thinks I’m worthy of their love and it hurts so much. I just want to be loved like others are. Shitty people get love and I like to think I’m a pretty good person. I have my faults obviously but I’m not shitty, I deserve love but I never have. I don’t know. I know I need help but there’s nothing I can do at this point.