Ok I think I need to tell my story, I'm gonna vent childish things here so be prepared. And I'm 15 years old and I live in a strict country called Philippines.


I grew up in a small town? It's considered a village but let's just go with it. Life there was normal, so normal. People there seem nice, I didn't really get bullied (probably because I'm tall). I grew up with public school, it didn't really taught me anything, it didn't even have tests, homework seems lame, it’s basically just a hang out for students. You can only get high grades if you participate in events and stuff, I'm an anxious introvert but no one understands that. Also some events you're forced to participate which made me feel uncomfortable and when I tell people I don't want to, they tell me "Are you a special child?", it really hurts to be neglected but I don't want to be judged "being a special child" so I participated anyway.

I've self taught myself through the internet and I didn't really develop social skills. I don't even remember having a conversation with someone that's personal so I didn't really connect with anyone, not even my siblings and parents. You can tell how good I am at English behind screens, but hesitant and anxious at speaking English in real life.

Yes, I don't have friends, I tried blending in (especially in recent years being adolescent) but still no connection, no one even considered inviting me to go out. I basically have no one to talk to. And I'm not close to my siblings and my parents, those relationships are impossible to recover now, I don't "love" them but just neutral, just for the sake of being related. If me or them suddenly acted differently, it would seem pretty awkward and odd, because it's not like them.

I didn't develop any interest nor dreams, and no one encouraged or influenced me to find it, well it's not like it's their responsibility anyway. I grew up with my parents far away working for us, I get that they wanted a better future for me and my siblings but I felt nothing and empty during those times. I didn't felt that "childhood parenting" at all, it's not like I was neglected but still.

I'm so isolated and school is the only thing I that I need to worry that I don't even know how to travel alone, I would get lost if I'm not familiar with a place. I'm anxious and didn't talk to anyone made me have poor social skills and very insecure and even more anxious, asking people for anything (like directions) is very intimidating, I would throw up honestly.

We moved to a city where my mother works so she doesn't have to go home and makes things easier when I'm a 6th grader, I realized then how shy I am to new people and new environment so it was hard.

This new school is full of extroverts and ambiverts and its really intimidating for me, and everyone has their social circle, some did talk to me but honestly it's all about school and I just go along with whatever is happening and what other people do.

Then I get familiarize with them and be comfortable them and not die from being anxious on something stupid like reporting.

2 years later, my "friends" are in a different section, obviously I switched section and they acted the same as before. After the first month, I started to get "sick", I feel tired all the time and vomit and my body hates to be in school. I told my mother that I can't go to school every single day, obviously any parent would force their children to keep going to school (made my sickness worse). I was so sick that I go to school once per week (the reason was because of lack of sleep, It was about my blood and my stomach acid).

But of course, school is there to make it even more stressful (projects... assignments..), and I forget about them because I don't have the energy for those things.

There's this teacher that I hated, well, more like I don't like her. She keeps complaining like "You were the one I reminded about this first, and you didn't do anything when you were absent?", LADY I AM SICK AND YOU WANT ME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT? (Anything actually seems too much for me, it's like my mind is always full even though I'm not thinking of anything, I have poor memory even though I'm not even thinking a lot).

One day, my classmate saw me online, playing in the middle of the night (I can't sleep, also I think I have Internet Addiction since it's all I do and where I socialize, more than real life) and told it to the teacher. And there, she complains about how I have time for other things but not school

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY CLASSMATE? IF HE SAW ME ONLINE THEN SHOULDN'T HE BE ONLINE AS WELL? HOW TWISTED AND ONE-SIDED CAN THIS GET?

It's just too much to the point that I just had cried a lot and I kept saying "It hurts", she saw me and said to my classmate "can you take him to the clinic?" in a tone that sounded like she was bothered.

That actually hurted me, so childish of me right? I’m just in my chair covering my face, and trying not to shout at them. I got home early because I called my mother at lunch break (pretty sure she was stressed which I feel bad). Also before I went home, my advisor talked to me, I didn't understand at first. He started to ask me about what I want to do in life and what my dream is, I didn't really answered (I don't know what to answer anyway) and I was silent most of it. Honestly I was so tired and drained I just wanted to go home.

I didn’t feel like going to school, I'm gonna fail if I keep going once a week anyway so my mother suggested that I should drop out, I was hesitant at first but I agreed. Also before I dropped out, my mother took me to a doctor/psychologist, I was told that I had acid reflux and the cause was lack of sleep. I took the medication everyday until my acid reflux was gone. And then I didn't go out of our home from then on out.

This year, I kept telling my mother what I think about how I'm not sure if I'm ready to go to school again, she got sick of it that she said "I don't care anymore do whatever you want". I know I had a long time to "recover" and I felt guilty that I feel this way but what she said really made me feel trapped, I complied to take online class.

A month ago, online class introduction. I didn't really expect anything and I feel fine, but when the call starts, that's when I felt it. I feel like I would vomit, my muscle tightens in some areas and my head feels weird. My mic and camera was off, and I refused to turn them on and wait it out, the teacher keeps asking me and I said nothing the whole time until the call ended. The feeling was unbearable and I imagine feeling it everyday because of online class, I just can't handle it.

At the time, I was thinking about how my mother would react, if I tell her I don't want to go anymore and I want to drop out, she would get mad and refuse. So I was crying, thinking about me going to those calls everyday and I have no choice was torturing, it was so irrational that I cried about it made me feel weak. I was so upset that she didn't listen to me and I just cried, banging my head on the wall (I don't know why, but I did) and then I slept and woke up at night. I didn't tell her about it until the next day in the morning because I just don't want to do it anymore, fearing the inevitable.

We had an arguments which lead to me saying to her about how she guilt trips me and I was crying. She said she was sorry and she didn't mean it like that, she said she would drop me out again. I felt so guilty and upset about her and myself, because I'm gonna cost her money again because of what I feel, if only she listened to me.

I honestly don't know what to think, I feel so guilty, I was having suicidal thoughts, I was thinking about my mother's life would be better without me because I'm just a burden. I don't know what I want to do in life anyway, and it's not like I'm happy anyway, I'm not close to anyone, not even my own parents and siblings and I don't have friends. I attempted to overdose myself, I didn't expect myself to die but If I die it's fine, nothing happened like I expected since I only took what I found which may not have been lethal.

Last week I asked for therapy and it was the psychologist from last year, and I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety. I asked for therapy because I'm wondering why I was feeling this way that I have to drop out twice. I'm not sure if I do have Anxiety, maybe it was just a misdiagnosis and I'm actually fine. I don't want to bother my mother and the psychologist any longer, and there's other people out there that needs help.


But here's the thing, I found out about mental illnesses a week before the 2nd drop out thing. So I was doubting if I do have it, I mean there's no way that I coincidentally started to feel depressed at the same time that I found out about this stuff, maybe I'm just finding an excuse for my laziness. Tbh I was starting to be "lazier" as I turn into a teenager, like I would do the dishes without anyone telling me, but I slowly started to feel like not doing anything. And now I don't feel like doing anything at all, I'm in my bed all day everyday doing nothing.

I don't shower or brush my teeth (this is disgusting and I know.. but I haven't brushed my teeth in months, like I brushed my teeth 6 times a year or something). I'm overweight, stretch marks are so big, my sister even said that my stretch marks are terrifying. Im so lazy am I right? Yes I am insecure about my body but I honestly don't care anymore.

I don't think I have Fatitious Disorder (Yes I was doubting so much that I searched deeper in the internet), because I don't want to get attention, I don't want to bother anyone but I feel like an attention seeker, even just venting here makes me feel like seeking attention. 


So is it possible that I'm just mimicking unconsciously?