I started this treatment 3 days ago and I have 50mg. I just read about some side effects of Zoloft (dumb move) and I had a panick attack. Except I took the drug 6h ago. I could feel all the physical symptoms of a panick attack but I felt good in my head. No crying or anything, I even felt kinda happy.


I hate this. I feel like I'm not in tune with my emotions. But the whole point of anxiety is to have way too much of those emotions so being in tune with them isn't really an option. I know I need help and I thought medecine could help but it is stressing me out. I know I need something, but I also don't want to depend on anything. I've been a smoker and I've almost quit now so I know what it is like to quit something I am dependent to. This is of course not a critique of the drug, if you have it and are happy with it, it's awesome. We are all different and this is just how I feel regarding myself. 


Over the years I've also come to accept my anxiety as a part of me. I don't like it, it has ruined so many things, but it's a part of me. I don't know how to explain it, but thinking about it being totally gone makes me really sad. Writing this paragraph is making me cry, even though I'm supposed to be loaded in serotonin (guess I don't have those scary side effects I've been reading about lol). I've always dissociated my anxiety from myself, it was a measure of defense but doing so made me consider it as a companion. Think of it as a roommate that you don't get along with but are forced to share a room with. It was with me since I was a child and I feel like erasing it with drugs is a treason to me. 


I want to be able to get better through working on myself. I, of course, need some therapist help, but I realized that I need to get through it without meds. It's probably going to be super long, but I'm ready to make this my fight.


Thanks for reading my emotionally charged vent

Ps : if you have any good therapist/psychiatrist recommendations in Switzerland, I'm all ears. I need to change my current one which I feel does not listen to me