Alright hey everyone i am a 17 year old LGBT Pan kid from Scotland. I am venting out here to speak a little bit about how I've grown up and where i am at now so let's get started.

Bullied:~ So when i was about 5 years old i started primary school everything was really good so far meeting the teachers and having a bit of fun soon after i was being bullied by a kid and then by my whole class. I would get made fun of pushed around sometimes even followed home just to be beaten up. I never had depression or anxiety at this time but i really did feel scared and unhappy during this time. If i was being bullied and if i tried to stand up for myself i would always be the one to blame everyone would pretend to be witnesses and make me be the only one who was lying but i wasn't. I lost everything Breaks Playtime all i was told to do was sit on a bench inside in the freezing cold for 6 months. This lasted 6 years everyday of being bullied.

Abused:~ 2 years in with my mother and her boyfriends relationship things were just not working out and that's when he should of just left but my mother had to keep him which was the worst mistake EVER! She was very poor and was basically struggling to keep things going that's why she needed him. During high school when i come home there would almost always be an argument starting with him he would shout at us slam doors scream at us for things we didn't even do or things that we didn't mean to do. On several occasions i had to hear my mother cry in tears begging for help while i sat in my room shaking with the thought of being murdered or attacked by him in my head everytime there was an argument. One time i swollen up my whole foot badly I'm pretty sure it was broken because the pain was insanely painful each step made me want to cry but one night before school he persuaded my mother to force me to walk to school with a swollen foot (He even used to persuade her to slap me beat me for accidentally saying something wrong in which i didn't mean. I have Autism and i might say something in the wrong way but in no way mean it at all) In the morning before i left he said "DONT RUIN MY DAY I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY." This made me really scared and uneasy because my foot was excruciatingly painful. Walking to school was horrible i was just crying my eyes out constantly classmates infront of me walking looking back at me and giggling at me as they walk past and me just crying each step i make. When i reached the front door of school my English teacher from last year asked "Robert are you okay?" I said "No noo no don't call home please don't i can't go home please don't i need to stay" He then took me to the school nurse in which she didn't help at all! She didn't even help she was always miserable and i hated her i don't even think she was qualified. Anyway she phoned him and he had to pick me up he speeded home and he made me sit on the couch with a book to read and i was not allowed to get up or go to my room or use my phone i could only get up for the toilet that was it. I was shaking and just wanting my mum back so badly she was away on holiday for 2 days. He has physically abused me in the past before like pushing me into a wall throwing things at me. This is getting me really panicky typing this but i need to type it all out once and for all i can't keep it bottled up inside anymore. One time he made fun of my disability and my mother LIGHTLY slapped him for it i phoned the police because the argument was very very bad and when they came my mum actually admitted to slapping him LIGHTLY guess who got in trouble my mother had to stay in a police station for 3 days over new year with him in the house this broke me down too he got nothing!!! He got away with everything! Hurt me hurt my mother slap a hot cup of coffee out of her hand and on to my dog and my walls. This was just not okay that's the onky words i can think of right now cause it's hard to think about this it was really not okay.. This lasted 6 years before he was finally kicked out thankfully.

Self Harm:~ All in the middle of what was going on with all of that above there was me selfharming too. I started with a steak knife and then moved on to a razor blade cause someone said "It cuts better" I would be sitting on my bed when everyone is asleep and just simply cut my arm and my legs and thighs sometimes i would already be in a very emotional mindset and i would actually grab my baseball bat and smack it off my head saying stuff in my mind like "You will never be loved you are nothing you deserve to die" "No one cares about you" "Just go kill yourself you are ugly and stupid"
I would hit alot then cry silently because of how hurtful it was to me but it felt like nothing but the gods honest truth it even got to the point of when i was getting messages on snapchat from girls in my class asking for videos of me cutting myself "To know what it feels like". I never had friends i was abandoned by everyone in my class and in school (I will follow up from this soon) I was self harming for around 3 years on and off from age 12-15. One time i cut myself in class just a little i didn't want it to look obvious tho so i did it under the table a classmate saw and reported it tobthe head teacher. I was pretty happy that someone reported it that means the possibility of getting some care and help but what did he say to me? "Why are you doing that? Nobody wants to see you do that in class if you want to go do that do it at home not here".. It gets worse and worse but almost the end. The reason why i stopped cutting was honestly because one time i tried to take a blade out of the razor but the blade kinda got a little bent and jagged so when i used it it made a half inch deep cut with a nasty jagged outline all in blood. I freaked out and that's what put me off of cutting for good.

Neglected:~ For all the years of being at school i had a total of 0 friends. The people who i thought were my friends were actually the bullies from primary school who were secretly using me making fun of people in my class and misbehaving just so they could laugh at it. I knew deep down what they were doing after 3 years of it but i didn't stop until i left they were the only people i only knew who i could hang out with. I was always the odd one out the fat ugly boy in class always being left out. I became very exhausted with life and ended up falling asleep in classes staying up until 5 am in the morning texting older men who were taking an advantage of me just so i could have some form of care and pleasure. It took me awhile to find out my sexuality and who i identify as. You've read alot about me so far so let me just add in some more basic information about me. i was born as a male but don't think i am anymore my sexuality is pansexual :)

Drug use:~ Not long after my mothers bf is kicked out i play a video game in which i become heavily obsessed with. (I have severe germaphobia ocd and ocd) This game was about a doomsday cult and a drug called The Bliss. Far Cry 5 was the name of the game anyway this drug in game was used to mind control people to join their cult brainwash everyone. My obsession had grown more and more with this game and so i managed to actually find out the name of this drug in real life and if it's an actual real thing and funny thing it actually is it's called Datura/Jimsonweed/Brugmansia/Angel Trumpet you might of heard about it. I ingested very small amounts of this plant in real life as well as my use with inhalants and marijuana. I used datura once every week or so just very small amounts. The effects of this plant are Hallucinations Delirium Memory Loss Coma Death and psychosis. Not fun at all but since i was only using very very small amounts i was thankfully not ever able to get any of those effects i wasn't taking datura for fun or to hallucinate on at all i just wanted to become a part of the game.

2021 Now:~ 6 months ago i accidentally smoked laced marijuana and have developed depersonalization derealisation disorder. My psychiatrist has seen no signs of a psychotic mental illness but it is quite possible. I have become very mentally exhausted and lost in my life. I still do not have any friends and i don't personally expect myself to live much longer sadly. I am pretty certain that i have memory loss and loss of peripheral vision. I have become alot more confident and have no fear in physically fighting someone anymore which in my opinion i think is great i can never bow down to anyone anymore. Everynight i have very traumatic nightmares and they seem to not go away.

Thank You so much for reading please feel to message me and or comment on this post i love you all honestly ❤🧡💛💚💙💜