First disclaimer, before anyone says, this is not the reason I am depressed. It doesnt help for sure, but it is not the reason. Its something I am struggling with badly recently as well as my regular depression.

First I am 38, male. I am what you would call forever alone.  Never had a relationship, kisses, cuddles etc. i have a learning disability and a pituitary gland tumour thats fucked up my brain hormones and suprreses serotonin.

This is gonna sound shallow so let me point out yes Its not all about looks. Just because I am only physically attracted to fit muscular women does not mean personality doesnt count too. If i dated someone fit who got ill or sick i would stick by the, because personality is just as important. Now with that disclaimer out of the way because people always assume i dont think it matters.


My issue is I am depressed and fat. I never knew any fit women. I dont like the gym, and honestly the only reason id go and get fit is if i genuinely thought i ever had a chance to meet one. And it kills me there arent more. If you like fat women, theres lots and lots. Skinny and thin, same. They are all dime a dozen, honestly. But liking athletic muscular women is so rare, i basically gave up and gave in to depression and despair.
Ive tried to talk to regular women and we get along fine and that, but theres just zero attraction. I talk to them being friendly and they get a little flirty but i akwardly have to shut it down because i just dont desire that with normal women. I dont mean that to offend anyone. Im no casanova so it doesnt happen a lot but two or three times its happened to me. I just cant seem to feel it. Even if just wanted to be with a normal woman to not be alone, i cant imagine ever wanting to be intimate because they just dont do it for me physically.
Does anyone else really struggle with anything like this? Like having a type you KNOW is out of your league and you cant get ? I know im nowhere near good enough but it still hurts.
Thinking about it now and how lonely i am my chest feels really really tight and painful. Its actually physical pain.