Let’s start by saying that I hate my job. There’s many reasons for this but I’m not sure if it’s relevant to my anxiety considering I feel like I would be this way at any job. I deal with some pretty awful people on a regular basis. I work customer service in a retail setting which is a nightmare but I feel it just keeps getting worse. I truly hope every single customer I interact with has an awful day, I feel so much hate for any one who decides to enter my place of work. I had to go down to part time and can barely afford to survive on the salary i’m making now but it felt like my only option as I slipped deeper and deeper into a depressed state. 

It was very very scary for awhile. Going down to part time helped but i’m starting to really struggle with the very limited days I’m at my work place the same way I did when I was a full time employee. I am a medical marijuana patient, prescribed xanax for anxiety, as well as lexapro for depression and anxiety(took it once, got so nauseas I couldn’t imagine taking it ever again, but will more than likely have to). 

I can’t get through a single shift without having to take a xanax. When I’m home (4 days a week) I feel infinitely better, like night and day. When I show up for the shifts I am shaking uncontrollably, sweaty, out of breath, heart rate pounding, and it’s every time. I just want the feeling to go away. I have intrusive thoughts 24/7 (Marijuana helps with this for me) but the main concern is how often I have passive suicidal ideations while I’m at work. This is something I don’t feel when i’m not in a work setting. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

The feeling that nothing ever improves is really making existing so hard. It’s so sad that all my struggles are so intensely amplified by something I have no control over (capitalism) and I just worry I will never be able to live normally. 

I am actively seeking therapy but financially it’s been so very hard. I’ve reached out to loved ones and everyone seems to have the same response: “No one likes to work” I understand that no one WANTS to work.. but work should not make me suicidal. I‘m actively lurking in the r/antiwork subreddit to find some peace with things but I don’t know if it’s helping much.

Just needed to vent about this.