I’ll try and convey my feelings to the best that I can describe them since feeling this way makes it hard to describe or talk about it. I feel absolutely defeated and like I’m in a void internally. I have fought for so long to be happy and make the best of what life I’m given but it just isn’t the same anymore. I’m constantly in a negative mood, irritable, unmotivated, reclusive, etc.. it’s affecting my relationships and all other aspects of my life.

I feel scared to go to my job(s) and feel like I’ve done nothing but job hop in hopes something will make me happy enough to stay and find stability. Which also worsens my financial life too. But that’s a different topic I won’t get into, it could be worse but I make do with what I can. 

I’m desperately trying to fight my way through these feelings and I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t anymore and isn’t helping me. I’ve struggled with depression most of my life since teen years and at times I’ve had incredibly happy times! The more I think about it however, I’ve been more depressed and struggling than I have been the later. I’d rather lay down and endlessly play on my phone than be productive. Which is not okay.

This episode (meaning I have had plenty others but not as intense) has been going on almost a year now and it started with my back injury. I’ve finally gotten the help I needed but it spiraled me so out of control I can’t recover from what it did to me mentally. I don’t know anymore I literally have no energy to convey what I want to say. 

I’ve seen my regular doctor for this before a few times and feel embarrassed to even go back for this situation again because I continually fail to keep up with treatment. They probably think I’m a nutcase at this point. 

What do I even do at this point? I’m perpetually in a state of either anxiety or depression all the time and it’s getting to the point that I have to get myself together. For the sake of everyone that I love and myself…