I don't know why I always fucking do this.

Need a bill paid? I'm your girl. I'm not rich but I have a steady enough income and a lot saved and invested. I've paid bills, rent, loan payments and all kinds of things for my friends when they were down on their luck. I let one friend live with me rent-free for ten fucking years. I paid the rent for a friend for half a year while he was unemployed. I do this shit all the fucking time to the point I can't be proud of myself. I need verbal affirmation from them that badly. Every time someone thanks me for help, I feel less like a hollow, empty husk.  

I really hate seeing friends struggle, but some of them get real fucking comfortable. The minute I suggest that they use the support I gave to make smarter choices, I'm a fucking villain. I have walked people through the steps on what they could do to make things just a little easier, and it always blows up in my face. Like what did I even expect? People need to struggle sometimes, but I don't want them to. 

Four of those friends went on to thank me and really fucking TRY. One is still struggling, but he tries every fucking day. I trust these four people more than anyone else and they've never over-asked for favours, but I'd have a lot more fucking money if I stopped supporting friends like this at all. 

I over-think gifts to the point people tell me I've given them some of the best gifts they've ever received. They're usually expensive, meticulously handmade or both. I bought and fully paid off a new fucking car for a friend that needed one. I really need to make it clear that I am not wealthy. I don't come from wealth, and my salary is average. I worked pretty hard and made a lot of calculated risks on my own to live debt-free and comfortably. 

The worst was that one friend I let live with me for a decade. I loved this bitch all because she stood up for me in high school ONE TIME. I remembered that because most fucking people don't know HOW to support someone outside of just talk. "Hurr durr I'll pray for you / I'm here for you / I don't take sides / it'll be okay wahhhhhhhh" This girl went up to a bully of mine and told her off so publically and vehemently that I was never bothered by that bully ever again. There was fucking venom in what she said to her and it was enough to protect me for the remainder of high school. That was a damn core memory for me and it made me want to give REAL help to anyone I cared about that needed it. But that same friend changed and made a retirement plan off of living with me. Knowing me changed her for the worse. If I never supported her in the ways I did, I think she would have been a much better friend. Like the friend she used to be. 

But every once in a while, a friend just says "hey, thank you, you've really helped me" and they go on the try hard to make their own lives better. The people that would have figured it all out somehow. I love them. But I feel so alone. I have friends and family I'm super close with, but I never want to find out which friends would ditch me if I ever needed to cry about something or depend on them in any way. My BPD is quiet and only my closest friends and family know about it, but every single one of them told me they were surprised I qualified for the diagnosis.  

Inside I'm just this ball of RAGE and it has no outlet. My wife is an angel and the closest person to me and even she doesn't believe just how angry I am. Do you know those rooms where you can pay to smash shit for an hour? I'm there every weekend. I just get it all out of my system and then I can go back to the real world. No one knows that I do this and it's embarrassing. The only other thing that makes that go away is when someone I care about does something thoughtful. I recently received a long handwritten letter from a good friend and I just...I was okay for a few months. 

That's the kind of effect I want to do for people I care about. I want them to feel like they have one person they can depend on, because most of the time I don't feel like I can depend on any single person. I just keep waiting for those pleasant surprises that make things okay. And then I get all fucking surprised when someone takes advantage of the fact I'm their personal bank account.