Not sure how to start this. 

When I was a teenager I had this group of friends that I’ve known since elementary school. We used to be very close but over the years drifted a bit but still talked. Because of the drifting I always felt the need to try and be seen as “cool” with them. 

A little more context, I have another friend group that is great and I’m really close with. But I always find myself being ignored. For example when I’m talking rarely anyone pays attention or they cut me off and never let me finish and talk over me. And they are constantly telling me how I should live my life. So even though I have close friends, I always feel very lonely. 

And I have terrible, terrible anxiety. 

So on a few occasions while hanging with that first group of friends I said some really offensive things/words because they would use them in their everyday vocabulary. Never to people outside of that group and I never meant or liked saying those things. 

As soon as I said those things I wanted to take it back. But I allowed my loneliness to trump my better judgment.

I no longer talk to that first group. And I know I was never and still am not a racist or a bad person. But every day I have multiple panic attacks that what I said in the past will come back to haunt me. Especially because my dream is to make it in show business and we all know how unforgiving people can be. 

Idk what to do. I can’t focus on anything because of the anxiety. I was way old enough to know better but I messed up. I know chances are these things won’t come out but I can’t stop worrying