It took a lot of courage to post this. Even if I had to create a new account to do so. I'm not diagnosed yet. I've struggled my whole life with the symptoms of this situation and maybe I don't have it, but it feels good to at least suspect that I'm not a lazy, useless disappointment and I'm just ill. Most of my symptoms match, except for the self harm as I can't even stand the thought of scarring any flesh. Traumatic, I suppose. I wonder though if I self-harm in different ways without realizing.  
Lockdown has been... unstable. There were times I found new interests and locked in for a while and then there were stormy, thunderous times. It's exhausting.  
These past few days I'd been feeling like it was all just a lie I told myself. Like I was never sick. As if it was just a tough 3-4 months and I was feeling myself again. Dancing to music. Colors came back and it wasn't all black and white. I didn't need anyone but myself. I was forgiving. of anyone including myself. A mistake was just a setback and a triumph was a big step forward. Until...  
Well I couldn't even get out of bed this morning. Don't really wanna eat anything. Staring at the wall because I don't feel like existing today. I just wanna "be".  
How could this be happening? Just yesterday I was telling a friend how peaceful I felt. How could all that fade away in a matter of hours?