My journey looking for therapy has been endless for years. I’ve tried countless times to get therapy through the NHS, after being told they wouldn’t give it to me, finally they started doing something last year. I did a bunch of assessments with different people whom I had to explain my issues over and over again.

When finally they came up with a plan they offered me 20 sessions of mentalisation group therapy. I was not so thrilled and I told them I was having second thoughts because my of my anxiety, I know myself and I know I can’t talk in front a group of people especially about things so personal. I said I was willing to see and they wanted me to commit for the whole 20 sessions I said I’m not sure because I don’t even know what the group is going to be like; what if I get triggered by other peoples stories and the sessions are gonna cause me more harm then good? What if I feel disconnected from the group and having to attend a weekly session becomes a hard pointless task?

They said the whole point of the group is to build trust with other people and see how our experience is shared by others but that premise just isn’t enough for me to be committing to something I that have no idea how it will turn out.

I even asked if in between sessions there was a chance to speak privately to the therapist in case I wanted to expand on something and go a bit more personal, but they said no.

Now I’m back on the waiting list cos they didn’t really offer an alternative to this group thing.

Things are being tough at the moment, I don’t even know therapy can help me at all, all I want is to get high and sleep and I just feel like dying would be the only solution to my problems