I've been feeling this way for at least 8 months...

I feel so unfulfilled and struggle with motivation to do anything. I've been crying every day, if not every other day. Just thinking about how unhappy I am makes me want to cry...

I'm an extravert and I can make friends easily. I also have real friends whom I can cry to and care about me. I know that nobody can help me feel better but myself. Because of that, I feel so alone and struggle even more...

There are friends whom I can just call and vent to for hours. But it's so boring hanging out in person as we don't have a lot in common, and it makes me feel bad because I had to face the truth that I just wanted to get close to anyone just so I can have close friends. 

I recently made a new friend. On paper we have a lot in common, she is very supportive and a good friend, however, I get bored when I hung out with her. She is an insecure and not very confident (she doesn't project her insecurity on to me), everybody is on their journey, just for myself, in this phase that I'm going through, I don't want to vibe with someone based on my depressive episodes, I want to be around others that are confident and fun and uplifting so I can copy them. It gives me hope. I found myself being judgemental when I'm with her... She reminds me of how I used to be and am trying to grow away from it....

There are people who I feel like I can talk to if I feel low... but when I feel good and want to go out, they won't be the first I would call... which is really bad. If it makes sense, I appreciate people in my life as I'm there for them and they are there for me. But we don't have fun together. I'm stuck in this cycle as I have people to go to when I feel low but they are not on the same level of being outgoing as me... so I feel alone once again. 

It sounds so crazy but I'm always seeking close friends when I'm a new group of people. I get disappointed when the people that are open to it, they are those whom I can talk to but don't click with. 

I'm friends with them but every time we hang out, it reminds me of how alone I am...

There is so much to unpack and I'll edit the post as I go...

Thank you for listening.