It's been a month. Why do I still wake up thinking about her? Why can't I just let her go? Why do I still ache to hold her in my arms? 

I fucking hate this. I don't know what's normal. Has she moved on? Would a normal person be over this by now? This is so frustrating and painful.  Am I insane for still not being over her? I feel like all of my friends think I should have moved on by now. It's so painful to think that she probably has. She didn't understand how hard it was for me to say 'I love you', because of how much more it means when I say it than 'regular' people.

Does anyone else know this feeling? I'm so tired of this aching grief and useless hope. Even if she did come back... I would mess it up in the same way. I've only just started therapy. I'm not even convinced it can get better. 

I was at a party last night with lots of attractive people. I thought about trying to flirt with somebody else and all I could think about was the monster I would become with them eventually. How can I move on knowing I'll just terrify another woman? They all become so scared of me. I've never harmed a partner in my life. But I'm 'huge' as my ex said. My mood swings make women so afraid of me. I sometimes self harm. Never others. It makes me hate myself so much more that the women I love become so frightened of me. I get so scared that they're going to leave me, or that they don't really love me like they say they do. That fear turns into anxiety which turns into anger. And it festers, and I feel like I'll explode if it doesn't come out. And I can only imagine how terrifying that is for a woman alone in a room with me. My ex never even saw it in person. I scared her through a text with my wild mood swings. 'Jekyll and Hyde'. And I am.

I went to another party later and watched my friends with their SO's. They were joking with each other and holding hands. All I could think was that was what I wanted. That was what she wanted from me. But I get hurt at the smallest comment, not even meant the way I took it and ruin the mood. I can't put things aside. She deserves better than I could ever give her. Everyone does. Why try to move on.

Is there even a point in moving on? Seriously? I don't feel suicidal. I haven't in over a decade. What I feel is hopeless. Empty. Tired. Lonely. A monster. I just don't want to exist anymore.