i (24F) have the most loving, supportive boyfriend (22M). he's great, and i can't imagine my life without him but something always feels empty (this is why I have posted it here, so he doesn't see). maybe i need drama in my life to feel loved, maybe i need to self destruct, maybe i feed of intensity. i don't know. i feel like i don't love him even though he is everything i have wanted and i like him a lot (including romantically). i feel like i still love someone else, someone i have had feelings for, for five years. it was really bad for most of it and we have not spoken for awhile now. i felt like i had to free them from my grasp, so i made things as bad as possible so they would hate me and i promised i would never enter anything bad again (i haven't my relationship with my boyfriend is healthy and good). but my heart still lights up, feels pain, feels guilt, feels everything when i see them. it gets worse, they also read almost everything I do even though we haven't talked in 1-2 years and i can't help but do things to get attention from them, even if i don't mean too. ive really tried to control all of this and stop, but i can't and everything i feel is getting bad again and i needed to vent. i know this makes me a terrible person.