My fault if this is kind of all over the place, I just needed to get these feelings out somewhere until I go to therapy again. I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting this year, about who I am and my behaviors. I guess I just realized one big thing about myself that's been really holding me back. According to a lot of people around me, I'm a big people pleaser. I have an extremely hard time saying no, somebody asks what I want and I immediately ask what they want, etc. I realized how much deeper it goes than that, I try extremely hard to fit my self-image and personality for other people and not for me. Honestly, I've had depression since I was 11 years old. I've always hated everything about myself. I hate the way I look and dress and talk and act. I've tried so hard to make my face and body prettier and more appealing to other people, but I still look in the mirror or see pictures of myself and I hate what I see. Even if other people tell me I'm pretty, I genuinely believe they are lying to me. I hate the things I enjoy because I'm afraid other people will think they're weird. All the time I feel like the people I love are going to realize I'm boring or that they don't like me and leave. It's gone so far to the point I just feel so uncomfortable even going outside. I'm stuck in this space where I don't want anyone to know me or see me, because I'm so scared of rejection. But at the same time, I crave validation from others so much. I want people to think I'm pretty, funny, or a good person, or to tell me that they like me. I would do anything for other people to like me, even if it means "people pleasing" and throwing away my own needs. It's the only way I feel somewhat secure in myself, but I also hate myself so much I second guess if they're even telling the truth.  I crave affection and love so much but I'm so scared of it and I don't even feel deserving of it. I hate being honest about my feelings like this to people in my life, it comes as such a surprise to them. They tell me I have nothing to worry about and that it's important to love myself and I have to stop thinking this way and treating myself like this, but I'm at the point where I've tried and I just can't. I don't know how to stop. I know that validation from others won't match the validation I have to give myself. I don't know how to explain that the thought of accepting and liking myself makes me feel so uncomfortable. I just really don't know what to do. I guess I just want somebody to tell me they understand what I'm going through? I'm just really tired of people acting like I can just sit down and choose to overcome this, as if it's not something that's really hard for anyone to deal with.