TW: abandonment/discard, lovebombing

August 21. I was texting with my (I think uBPD or some other issues) FP. We've been on/off and very intimate (travel across country to see each other) for like 4-5 years. She says in our convo "you should come visit me..." I wish I could but I had just moved and was working through new job and finding a new place. 

August 22. Sends me a gif of a cat snuggle up to bigger cat. "Das me." Later in the night - "Why am I single?? You don't plan to be with me do you?" I reply - "I can't give you an answer about that. I still hope to but this isn't going to help you right now." "You're either planning to or you're not. Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh. My brain is working out why I feel different today than when we weren't talking." I say "I don't want me to be the thing that holds you back though..." And she responds "My brain associated us talking with a future but you don't have a timeline do you? Not when I've asked before. It's a timeline that doesn't respect me. But it respects you and your situation. That doesn't make it wrong but that's your priority. One that you don't have to explicitly say but that your actions reflect. And again that doesn't make it wrong just one I needed to figure out. Where is my self respect." This goes on a bit - prior I had mentioned my mood wasn't great (been pretty low/depressed). Then after a bit more of the venting I say "I don't want to lose you in my life and I genuinely want to be there for ya." And she says "that triggers me. It's my insecurity. That I'm not good enough for someone to want to be there for me." We go back and forth, I'll be honest I was not in the mood for this at the time. We do this convo every few months it seemed. She eventually says "we do need to stop talking like we have (she means very intimate/sexting) but given I'm not spiraling at the moment it doesn't have to be now. Maybe in a week. I'll make myself available if you get in the headspace or if you ever are." We talk for another 15 min.

August 24. We are sexting again. Like... Full on everything is wonderful. It's like yesterday never happened.

August 25. I tell her I am feeling down (trying to communicate these things more) and we talk mostly to keep me going through the day.

August 26. She shows me photos of her new haircut and style. Then later in the night "now I'm thinking of bothering you. And climbing into where ever you are plopped and getting all up in your space and making myself comfy." I respond with "come on in" and we sweet talk the rest of the night.

August 27. I was really stressed with work. She says "are you okay [petname]? I feel like I'm another later of complexity to your busy stressful life." "You're fine, I'm just stressed." "I hope you are sometimes thriving and not just surviving." (Honestly these things made me feel so good to hear.) "Yeah overall this is just a low period for a moment. I'll be fine." (I had been fighting a lot of low periods the entire summer...)

August 28. She had been using dating apps and got linked up with a friend of a friend we will call Timmy - she said she did this as a distraction from me. We had chatted about these dates (I think she used those to get me to move to her more quickly.) We were just talking about how personality makes you like someone more than looks. She says "but I mean Timmy is not like atrocious... But no shimmy in my jimmies." "Well what do you think?" "I wouldn't rule him out because of it. But I guess I wonder if that's what people would call wasting his time." I say "yeah but that could still grow." (I know our relationship was a rollercoaster up to this point and I was down so I felt like I wasn't worth her time and said things like this to convince myself she would find someone better)

August 29. Literal radio silence for two days. Throughout the next week I get very little texts or anything. 

Turns out she slept with Timmy and was spending all her time with him now. After 2 weeks I finally ask to call and talk. She tells me it has been a wild few weeks with him. Just a couple weeks after that she tells me they are already saying I love you to each other. And today she calls to chat. I ask what he knows about me. Very little. She tells me about the things they are doing together (all things we used to do and at the same places almost). 

I have been in therapy doing the DBT exercises and have gotten good at recognizing the emotions and thoughts before my spirals. Well these things today triggered me. I realized the behavior of letting ourselves chat still is the boundary I need to hold myself accountable to so I made it clear today I won't be talking to her anymore. I felt such a weird relief from that. I am still hurt and fear abandonment but those spirals thinking about her and Timmy doing everything are worse. If you've been with the hyper sexual person you know how crazy good this time of the relationship can be and so I know what's going on. I think she's undiagnosed something, definitely felt the idealization, devaluation and discard (happened so many times). I'm diagnosed recently and have been struggling through it. What has worked for me so far is to figure out that initial stomach wrenching and weird brain fog before or during a trigger. I use that as a signal to get away from whatever is happening and take deep breaths. I do the exercise to describe the feeling the best I can, think of it as a balloon in my hand, and let it go. That usually (not always) calms me down enough to rationalize. I then have to do the whole rationalize thing. What happened. What did I feel. What are the facts. Who else is involved. What do we know from their perspective. Can we find out more? Does it make sense to have the reaction you were having or is it correct but not the right intensity? What do you want to do about it now? 

That shit is hard and takes up so much time but it is helping. It helped me to recognize the behavior of talking to her is not good for me. It may never be good for me. I will have the urges to want her and talk to her, but for those I must keep reminding myself are just ghosts of memories of the idealization time and the fear of losing her from my life. I am glad I finally got help but this has been so hard to do. It was easier to avoid but I realize now all that avoidance was just wasting my life. Don't get me wrong I am still feeling quite low, but at least I don't feel like I'm being spun around in a tornado of feelings.

Here's to hoping this could help relate for someone else, and know that you deserve love and sometimes that means putting up a boundary to someone you love who can't love you back. And here's to fucking struggling through this shit and figuring out who we are and what brings us even a sliver of happiness. I love to bowl so I'm going to do that now.