I accidentally tried once but I wasn’t even close enough. It left a humiliating scar but it did nothing. I’m still a coward. I can’t do it. 

Everyone is pushing me away now. I keep hinting to wanting to live with them abroad. But they just change the topic and now it’s clear that I am not part of their plans.

I think marriage will redeem my self in the eyes of my family. But nobody is going to marry me. I’m depressed and ugly. I don’t think I can even get pregnant. I don’t think I would want to.

Why am I so afraid to move out now? Why did I even come back home?

 I have to end my life, or I’ll have to find a job, or I’ll have to find a husband.