But…everything feels personal. Every time I get snapped at for simple shit — it just makes me feel smaller and smaller. I can’t stand up for myself because then it results in conflict that I don’t have the energy to deal with. So I just don’t approach it.

But…then it builds up. It keeps building up. Now I’m angry. Now I resent you, him, her, everyone. Now I’m snapping back. Now I’m “taking it personal” to an extreme. Then I get “Where is this coming from?” Shit I don’t know is it me or the people I’m around? 

When I evaluate these situations that I apparently take too personally I’m the common denominator. Then I loop through “it’s them, it’s me, it’s them”. And so far that’s resulted in issues in a failed marriage, a current relationship and work. There’s tension between my coworkers and I, who I thought I was cool with. All because I imagine I’m getting in my head too much.

I always end up taking responsibility for everything and then shutting down any further conversations because I just want to be done with it. Done with the painful knots in my stomach. Done with the jaw pain of clenching my teeth every time I get a hint that the worlds against me. 

Im seeing a therapist and psychiatrist soon…finally because of these far out appointments. But until that’s established I just want to scream. I’ve been pegged for over worrying. Taking things too personally and making it all about me. I don’t want to. But it all feels personal. 

Anyway, I’m scared. Can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Wanna scream. Thanks for listening.