Sometimes I feel like all I am is array of empty emotions. Day to day the only thing of any significance I have is overreactions to things that don't matter at all. Excitement about something I don't even remember, anger at something that doesn't matter in the slightest, being sad about something tiny that happened years ago. The worst is right after my happy periods where I look back and realize there was literally nothing to be happy about, I'd be smiling about or anticipating something that never existed. I spent all of today excited about the weed I just paid for, I feel like for a brief moment I actually had something to make this empty feeling I've had for weeks go away. I completely forgot that I don't even if I'm going to get it within the month.  I try not to be too self analytic and avoid tracking my moods, it sort of helps with this whole escapism mentality I have, but I feel like that just makes me dissociate even more. Is it weird that I was happy when I got my diagnosis? I almost feel like I went out of my way to convince myself I had this disorder just for a sense of definition, I feel like I only fool myself into thinking I have it so that I'm not sitting in this room by myself, lonely for weeks on end with absolutely nothing, just feeling like I have this disorder makes me feel like I actually have something. Then I realize how sad that thought makes me feel, I get happy that I'm not just inventing this idea that I have it, then angry at how much I'm swinging without noticing, and then sad again at the thought that's it's never going to get better. Even my writing is so chaotic I couldn't decide whether to end with "this sucks" or "at least I have something"