I know everyone is stressed and that's just a part of being an adult while getting through life. However I just feel like I've been adulting since before many of my peers. All of my friends are with out student debt &amp; were offered support to get through college (emotional, financial). My mother died when I was only 19 and I had just met my father for the first time when I was 17. My therapist had told me I was essentially an orphan. I know she was trying to validate me and my struggles, however I began to internalize this quickly and spiral into negative thoughts. It was hard to see the positive for a very long time because it just seemed like everyone else had it, even if just by a little, easier. Whether it was by having emotional support from family members always willing to be there and spend holidays with, or the financial means to not have to scrape by. I thought it was tough to get by in college, little did I know it would only get more difficult to keep my head above water. It was hard to envision any future for myself. 

I am thankful for the loan forgiveness, as for me it will severely change the course of my future. It will allow me to finally not have to start out 10 steps behind of every one. I am always at the starting line. It's like in mario kart, when you hit the gas too soon, then you spin out. I am constantly spinning out just trying to catch up to where everyone else is at. (Obviously I understand others have it hard as well, I usually end up befriending these people and connecting because of similar experiences to trauma). However, I am learning not to compare my journey as I know my situation is vastly different. Despite knowing this, it's hard to not let the bitterness seethe through my teeth at times.

Money is and always was what weighs on me the most. It causes the most stress. Like everyone else, I just want a stable income and a stable home. I have been fighting for and wanting this dream since I left high school (back then it was mostly to get out of the severe abuse and toxicity of my household). I went to univesity, got a job in my field, discovered it was low pay, high stress, and very triggering to someone who's endured similar life situations. I got out of that. Worked in a restaurant for the winter, determined to figure out where to take my life career wise and how to support myself. Struggled with my ego a bit as I knew I was meant to do more, but just couldn't find my place.

Fast forward and I end up in a sales position (never thought I would be doing that...) and living off straight commision. The highs are high, and the lows, well, low. It's so stressful not knowing if I can afford my rent or not. I just want to buy a condo so that I can be investing in myself. 

Anywho, the holidays are approaching. My mom died 2 days before my brothers birthday and 4 days before thanksgiving. I now live across the country as my family life is pretty shit. Before I left to move across country, I had planned a going away dinner to say goodbye to everyone. Out of 12 people, 4 of my cousins showed up despite the other family members praising my little sister (who is actually their blood due to my step dad) and telling me I am just as much part of the family. 

Point is, I feel very displaced and hopeless. I struggle with severe anxiety and PTSD, so I am in my head quite a bit and can become very irritable. I think anyone would having to undergo the psychological turmoil I have since I was merely 3 years old, a lot of people do. I just feel lost, like I will never climb out of this poverty cycle. I'm busting my ass at work and there's not always a lot to show for it. Over the Summer I made a killing but now...

Just wish I had family I could turn to for support or even to just know there's an extra guest room at my parents house for me when times are tough. Just a really lonely life sometimes, feeling like you don't belong anywhere or to anyone..thanks for reading if you did..there's a lot more to my story and I don't want it to sound like I am just complaining. Maybe I am and I should be more grateful.