I hope some of you have time to read this long story of mine


I recently read a book which had a huge impact on me, it really made me think about life,love and suffering. I was caught by this feeling as I never really enjoyed reading and it never made me think. I had to read more, so I chose another novel from the same writer. The story(which is set in a late 19th century balkan country, I'd rather not say which one) is focused on a boy, who lost his father very early and had to take over the shop he was running. Because he was so young his mother and grandmother were very concerned with how he would run the shop, they were constantly checking to see how he was doing, if he had made any mistakes and so on. He sensed why they were doing this and set upon a quest to make them proud and always do the objectively right thing. The years passed, his shop not only survived his fathers death, but also prospered. He fell in love with a girl who lived across the street from him and she very obviously fell in love with him. Now you have to remeber this is 19th century, and any contact between an unmarried man and woman was a huge taboo, so she did everything she could to show him her love without explicitly telling him, so that he would eventually marry her. This didn't happen however, again his mother and grandmother were indirectly hinting that marriage with her would be a disaster as she came from a significantly poorer family. In the end he gave in, and to further prove that he didn't aspire to marry her, he himself found her a husband, which she was forced to marry(as was tradition at that time).It is at this point that his heart broke, he lost his only love, he became grumpy, stubborn and seemingly always angry, his mother suffered because she still wanted him to marry someone else. That never happened however, the girl he loved ran away from her husband once, and to try to convince everybody that he didn't plan on doing anything with her, he basically ordered her to go back to her husband, where she later died very young, calling only for him,the man she never got a chance to be with.Our protagonist died young too, never showing his emotions,never breaking his cool, when he died, a note was found on him, and on that note is written something that has haunted my thoughts ever since I read it:"I die wounded and craving"(I'm afraid this is the best translation).He died craving youth,love,passion. Because of his busy life, he never experienced teenage years as every man should, he never got drunk, he never had a fight, he never hung out with friends and most importantly, he never experienced love. He always did the objectivelly correct thing, but in the end that was what destroyed him. Now how does this affect me and why did it get me depressed?- you may ask. The thing is, I recognized myself in our protagonist. Fortunately my dad is still alive and well, but everything else is a perfect representatiom of my life, I never once went against what my parents told me,I always did the objectivelly correct thing, I never got drunk, I do have friends but none really close to me, I never had a fight, I never experienced youth as every person should. Most importantly,I never found real love,there was once a girl who I honestly and passionately loved. One time we were sitting on a bench,just chilling, she rested her head on my shoulder, suddenly started to hold my hand and kissed me. You, dear reader might be wondering what I did?- Nothing, I did nothing, I sat there dumbfounded, I never experienced such a thing, I thought I was too busy with school and work, I didn't have time to love, I never returned the damn kiss. She stopped holding my hand, we soon said our goodbyes and never talked again.And now I'm crying while writing this, because I know that one day I'll have a note ,just like our protagonist, on me when I die,it will say the same thing:"I die wounded and craving". Craving, craving the years I'll never bring back...