I think bpd threw away my life. I don’t post on reddit ever really, but I don’t know, I’m so lonely and I just have nothing better to do. Whether somebody reads this or not, my life is always gonna be held down by this disorder.
I have always been smarter than most people my age and I’ve always been caring of others more than most people. But I seemed to somehow have failed at life. Covid had a big part in it, I failed 7/8 courses in school year during 20-21 . 
I could have cheated to pass but I stand by my morals too strongly and ended up failing.
Being in an online class for 2.5 hours is too tough on my mental health. Focusing is hard enough cuz of my adhd, but the thoughts i have in my head make it worse.
I know I could do good in school but it’s too difficult when all i hear in my head are just voices in my head of how terrible of a person i am.

ive told myself for so many hours so many times just negative comments on purpose so i could hate myself more. and so my brain could get used to it.

idek where im going with this. Im too lost.

I don’t have any friends at all. I spend most my day playing piano, games, netflix and school stuff. 
and well this is random but rn I have covid, but I’m sure it’ll go away soon hopefully.

I just want to not have this disorder. it’s ruined so many things in my life.
relationships, money, my mimd, my education, how people think of me, even the damn help i receive.
my therapist stopped receiving me randomly even though i never was asked about not seeing her again.
im pretty sure it’s illegal even tho i never said i wanted to stop

but what can i do, nothing.