I'm 23 Years old. It's been 6 years since i fled from home cause my stepfather had abused me mentally and physically. Since then i tried to stand on my own but since childhood i have these negative thoughts and emotions which clouds my mind. These 6 Years i never had an Job more than half of a year cause I'm sick too often. I also suffer from inflammatory bowel disease and Tinnitus. I was at countless doctors but nobody of them could help me. Therefore i had no hope of finding someone who could help me with my Depression and never tried. Over these years the thoughts were becoming stronger and more negative. But i never showed it. When I'm good at something then it is to be pretending to be alright. 3 Months ago was the first time i spoke to someone about that cause I'm now at the Point where i don't see any hope. I told the Person the truth about how i feel myself and that i have constant thoughts of killing myself at new years eve. Ive been thinking about that quite a while now i even had choose a place where i  jump. That person told me to get help and so i tried to get help from a doctor. In the end I had 1 Appointment where i did tell them all and he prescribed me a antidepressants (Escitalopram). The next Appointment was canceled by the doctor. I take these pills since 3 weeks but i have the feeling it doesn't change anything at best or make it worse. I want to escape this vicious circle but i don't know how. It's all black for me now. It's like there are 2 voices in my mind, the one telling me that everyone is against you and to put an end to this misery, while the other is trying to convince the other half in not doing so but this other voice is getting quieter every time. I don't know what to do. I know nobody here can help me with that but somehow i had the urge to write it.