Y’know I’ve been really shitty for the past few years. And it’s getting to a point I can’t handle anymore. I honestly feel like I have no other choice but to kill myself. I’m so terrible at explaining everything. I’m always in the wrong. Nobody understands. And I can’t get them to understand no matter how hard I try. I try so hard at everything for everyone but it’s never enough. I’ve had this plan for a while of having my life on a timer. The timer isn’t a specific day or time. It’s just as soon as I get a gun I blow my brains out. Whenever that may be. Most likely when I’m 21. It’s something I made a little while ago. Couple months maybe. Half a year I guess. Idk anymore. I sometimes dream about killing the people that are perpetual stress figures in my life then killing myself at the end before the cops get there. Now believe me as much as I hate everyone I don’t want to kill anyone. I really don’t and I doubt I ever will seriously. But those dreams always feel so real. People telling me my existence doesn’t matter and telling me how no matter what I do and how hard I try I’ll fail. Messing with me like my failure is some kind of joke. Then I just end up killing them all because of it. Then just as I realize what I did I freak out then hear sirens outside. Then I see it as an opportunity to finally have some peace. A rest from all of this trouble I keep going through. So I shoot myself. And every time I do everything slows down and I think how nice it is to finally have a rest and not be stressed anymore. To finally be happy. But every time it ends just as I hit the floor. My life is shit.