I was diagnosed with BD a long time ago as a preteen &amp; for reasons I don't care to share I don't like the idea of pills. I tried to navigate my life using sheer willpower with what now feels like very poor result(my very best friend got fed up &amp; ended our decade+ friendship after an incident the other day). One thing she said was that I needed help &amp; she looked at me like she was trying to find me in the mess of me I was in that moment(if that makes any sense). To be looked at that way was heartbreaking &amp; I've never felt more "crazy" for lack of better wording but I took her parting advice to heart &amp; reached out to multiple Mental Health professionals in the last few days because I truly want to be better. At times I'm very kind &amp; funny, I'll go far out of my way to help people my loved ones especially but on the other side I still ended up fiercely toxic (verbally) to someone I love very much which isn't new territory for me. A lot has happened this year that has me on edge but It felt too easy to regress back into a toxic person who I thought I got past with my growth. The fact I can't shake the part of me that can be so ugly no matter how strong I seem to get mentally/ emotionally makes me worried I may be more of that than anything else but I won't stop trying to be a really good person.