I did the right things today. I didn't freak out at work. I unblocked my best friend and even eventually invited her to study at 8pm. I hung out with people today instead of being alone. I didn't text my boyfriend and tell him that he was being an ass for not even saying hello (surprise surprise he was busy and away from his phone for work). I even fucking emailed my therapist to"un-quit".

And yet. I still want to light my life on fire. I want to sabotage ALL OF IT. I want to burn it to the ground and make everyone leave me and ruin all of it. 

WHY. What the fuck is wrong with me Jesus fuck. 

I am trying so hard not to light my life on fire. But I want to so badly. I want to break shit and get drunk and cut and fuck studying and fuck people and fuck happiness cause I'm a nutcase. 

I have an "emergency" appt for 40 mins tomorrow. I am tempted to not go. But logically I know I need to go. I just don't feel it. 