* Trigger Warning * I feel I would not be a fit mother. My mother had BPD, her mother (my grandma) was schizophrenic. I have experienced a lot of pain and heartache from my lineage. I wouldn’t want to wish this existence on my worst enemy much less my child. I had an abortion April 12th. My due date is tomorrow, 11/11/22. I went to planned parenthood and they just told me my estimated due date when I went in for a pregnancy test. I still have the paper with the date printed on it. I am so unstable. My mom and grandma exhibit BPD behaviors. My grandma killed my grandpa and my mom named me after her and then told the father of my child if we moved in together i might kill him too because I’m crazy like my grandma. I know crazy. I was so panicked and desperate and did not want to continue this toxic cycle so I just aborted. There was a high chance this baby would have BPD too and I couldn’t bear the thought of my baby suffering in hell with me. I fantasize about getting mentally stable and finally holding my baby in my arms one day. The grief. IMO abortion is tragic. I know this is triggering. Thanks if you read this far. 30 years old and a lifetime to go before I can rest. I’m so tired. Wrestling with myself mentally over this.