My narcissistic (at the time, heroin addict) mother left to another country to meet a man she met online. Had no contact with her, never knew if I was going to her again.  I was like 11 years old I feel as if I haven’t been the same person since then. I had no friends, no other person knew what was going on at home. Except for my dad who was so emotionally unattached and never home because he worked so much. He would sometimes drink and  verbally take his anger out on me. But sometimes he was good, so I never knew what I was going to get. I had no outlet and I had all these emotions. Yet, I had to act like everything was cool on the outside. Inside though, I had so many emotions that as a child couldn’t process. Prior to that I had the perfect life. My mom was my best friend, we did everything together. I always defended her, even after everything happened. I always felt the need to defend her and I don’t know why. 

Okay, so fast forward to now. I know that I can’t handle my own emotions. I’m good at consoling others and reading others emotions, but forget it when it comes to myself. I got married fairly young and being with my husband has helped me a lot and only once in a while I will have a random break down. There will be days I wake up and my mind is just forcing me to remember all these horrible things I thought I have forgotten. All these bad memories replaying in mind. I can’t remember these things on command, which is why I can only give the summary that I am. 


I’m asking for insight because my husband has been away for a month for work and I’m all alone away from family. Ever since he’s been away, I just don’t feel right. I keep thinking about that horrible time in my life and crying randomly. I have zero interest in anything. I feel on edge constantly, like paranoid. I can’t even do my college work because I can’t focus. My eating habits are shit. I’ll be so hungry, but the thought and taste of food makes me nauseas. I’m losing weight that I can’t afford to lose. I basically just want to sleep all time. This isn’t normally how I am. Only on my random bad days. This bad day has turned into a whole month. 

This can’t just be because my husband left. He’s left before and I wasn’t this BAD. I’ve contemplated therapy before, but always stopped myself from going because it’s “weird” telling my whole life to a stranger. I try to talk to other people about it, but I don’t think they understand the depth of deep sadness I carry with me. I feel as if a part of myself has been shut out and I haven’t been the same person since then. Granted, I’m not going to be the same person I was at 11 but I just feel I am holding back a lot and carrying emotions that never surfaced. Should I seek help? Will it be worth it?

Also, for what ever it’s worth. My personality type is INFJ. So I realize I’m a sensitive sally, am I overacting to this situation? 

Sorry for the semi long post. It could be a lot longer if I added everything. But you get the idea. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am crazy or something. 
