My self esteem has always been extremely low. I never learned how to stand out for myself. It was just easier to fade into the background and placate the feelings over everyone around me even if I didn’t do anything wrong. The one time I stood up for myself and my sibling, I got kicked out of my home after having all my money stolen from me by my mom. I had to rely on my friends to help me. I hated myself for not being able to have seen this coming and have a backup plan. My self esteem got worse. I tried to help my sibling who was in and out of a psychiatric hospital because I felt like I had a responsibility as the oldest sibling. I had a debt to pay back for not stopping this all from happening in the first place. But I got suffocated and overwhelmed and cut off all contact. The guilt follows me everyday. I can’t fix anything. The person I live with now has no respect for me. I don’t blame them. I’ve been taking up space and being a leech for 4 years now. I try to stay in my room but they finds ways to yell at me when they feel like it, look down on me. They pick out my trash from the bin and leave it on the floor when they take out the bin. They leave the dirty dishes, moulding food everywhere in the kitchen. I’ve never stood up for myself. This has never felt like a home. 
I have extreme body dysmorphia and despise the way I look. I feel trapped in a body I don’t want. I can’t imagine ever looking in the mirror and seeing a person I think is worthy of anything. Sometimes, I see my mom’s face in mine.
I try so hard to get my shit back together but I’m in a constant state of panic and hopelessness and then denial bc thats the only way I can stay somewhat sane. 
I want to kill myself. I don’t want to do this anymore. But it’s not exactly easy and my worst nightmare is surviving. What would my friends think of me? Would I get put into the same dingy psychiatric hospital my sibling was put in? Can I afford to have anyone at work find out? What if I ruin my body in some way? I’m already a hypochondriac. 

I’m on the waiting list for therapy. 10 months. I don’t think I can wait that long. And even if I make it, I don’t think it’ll help much. 

I don’t want to be alive.