I’m reaching middle age. 

I’ve been very blessed in life. Too blessed. Supportive family (dad left us but that was never an issue), smart and decent looking. 

Gay and went through the self acceptance stage without issues. Teenage heartbreaks, fell in love with my best friends a couple of times and I learned my lessons. 

Over educated underachiever is a line I relate to. Every now and then I fall into the comparison cycle: most of my, mediocre, classmates moved on to work at top tech companies straight out of school when I didn’t land the same internship they did (my first taste of failure) and I had to take a lesser job back then. 

I’ve always had depression. Always. I’ve always managed by isolating when it hits and reminding myself that “this too shall pass”

I was alone after a bad relationship for a couple of years and then I “found myself” while living and working in Japan. It was a beautiful moment when I realised I could still feel happiness. 

Met a wonderful guy, older than me, who wanted me with all my cracks and flaws. Together for 15 years. Lived and traveled all over the world together. He knows I get down every now and then and he is supportive. He gets worried but he thinks that, lately, my valleys are not as deep or long but I’ve just learned to mask it better. It takes a lot of energy but…

2022 has been a whirlwind. We started with his cancer diagnosis and devastating treatment. We’re a few weeks away from the last scans and we don’t know what will happen. He never wanted the surgery or treatment but he did it cos he knows I need him. I got a new job and I love it. We were rejected for surrogacy for silly reasons. I love kids and i always wanted a big family but it’s now on hold.

I don’t have any problems. My life is blessed. Sometimes I feel bad for not being a carbon copy gay with the amazing social media life, the same muscles and buzzcuts and beard. I’m my own person and this fact isolates me. I’ve never lived long enough in a city to have roots and I’m resilient enough to be alone. I have enough money to see me through this life. I have old friends that I get to see every now and then. I have loving supporting family. I’ve been to amazing places, had great experiences, learned how to enjoy the peaks and walk through the valleys. I know the cycle will just repeat and I’ll be out of this again sooner or later. 

Yet the darkness is suffocating me tonight. I can’t fight it. I’m tired. My ear is killing me (developed tinnitus 18 months ago) I want to pursue a toxic high but I know it won’t “fix” me. I want to sink, drown, let go and fade. I want to let go.

Sorry about the verbal diarrhoea. My mind is jumping all over the place trying to make sense of why I feel so bad tonight and I can’t keep my mind straight.