There’s no point in trying anymore. I think about suicide so much it really bothers me. I have a countdown set for when I turn 21 so I can buy a pistol. I can’t go to a therapist to help myself because I literally want to die. It’s always set on my mind and sleep is the only time my brain can just peacefully rest. Things were just so easy back then, why did everything become so hard. I have no motivation nor any willingness to do anything/talk to anyone. Think I just lost it all when your pure innocence as a kid is stolen when you find out the cruel realities of the world. 

I’ve tried improving myself and maintaining a healthy routine and lifestyle best fit for me. I try being a good son and being a good friend but at the end of the day i can’t seem to make any real connections because I just distance my feelings from everyone. I tried pursuing the careers I want to do in life but I’m just not good enough or talented at anything. I truly have forgotten how to love myself. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to help myself. I’m at a loss and just wanna give up at absolutely everything.