i reached the max amount of sessions covered by my uni which is funky fresh but i think i’m too screwed up for uni counselling anyways. idk if she was really helping i was just ranting to her all the time and it was good to get things off my chest. idk. i guess it was time anyways. she was telling me that i made a lot of progress and i was smiling but i was thinking “you’re lying, i hate you”

i split on my therapists, i guess. the first few times i’m like “oh they’re the one who’s gonna fix me” and then after that i start getting paranoid they hate me, and i don’t think they’re helping at all, and they’re annoyed at me so i just leave, i can’t keep therapists around for more than a few months because i get so fucking scared and distrustful after a while. i start lying and i start hating everything. idk if that’s normal or not. 

i have a psychiatrist appointment in may. i don’t know how to advocate for myself and explain my symptoms especially when the psychiatrist is a man. i’m too poor for a DBT therapist when sessions are $200 and i won’t have uni health insurance because i’m graduating and all the DBT programs require a BPD diagnosis so i’m so scared i won’t be able to get the help i need. the summer program that made me so happy last year is gonna be cancelled because of corona and i’ll be stuck at home jobless with two worthless degrees and being a waste of space. i don’t know how to fucking cope. i think i’m unfixable. i dont know what to fucking do anymore