I’m trying so hard to put it into words, but being all wrong is the best description I have. I can’t get it together. I often times wake up battling a sense of dread and can’t get out of bed within the hour (today was an exception as I have to start at a new job which I’m very anxious about). Not a lot makes me feel great, other than weed and alcohol (i wouldn’t even say they make me feel “good” anymore just a way to escape slightly). Maybe other people. Friends are cool and a nice distraction, but there was a time I was in a relationship that made me feel amazing by comparison to now, but one bad depressive episode resulted in me pushing that person away, and I doubt they’re coming back cuz it’s been 8 months. Since then everything has just gotten worse. I wish I could just vanish. I’m unable to get my shit together, because every single time I evaluate what I need to do, to go where I want to go, those tasks, and all the little problems I have, become these mountains taller than the sky. I’m so tired of feeling like it’s an uphill battle with everything. I used to have goals and feel motivated but all my goals seem pointless in the present and motivation is nowhere to be seen. It’s been a decade now since I started feeling this inner fear/sadness/isolation, and I just don’t know where to go anymore. I might not answer any replies to this thread, as I’ll be at work, but thanks for reading through my neurotic bullshit.