Lol doubt anyone will read this but no matter how many friends I make no matter how hard I try nobodys acc there,I cant really open up to someone even those who r supposed to be my " close friends" i can never truely be vulnerable with them.Why? Because it hurts.it hurts so fucking much but i know if i tell them theyll judge ,everytime they look at me from that point on they'll realise how fucked my life is and why would they want to stay near a person like that lol.

I did have someone to talknto slightly around 2 yrs ago,a boy.He opened up to me let me see a vunerable side of him maybe thats why I felt as if i could talk back ,tell him about my issues,eventhough I never fully opened up to him he was the only person I really felt comftable opening up to  so I slowly started telling him hinting at how much pain I was in ,not like any of my mates noticed lol,but he ... he did.

Maybe thats why it hurt so much when he left,when he pushed mw away and cut off contact with me for no reason explainable to me.That really hurt,my first heartbreak ig? Turns out he was actually dating one of my friends ahah...a friend who also hurt me a lot loolllll but thats a whole different issue.

Anyways 2 years later from my lowest point in life and just when I thought my life was finally coming together i was slapped by reality.Why the hell did i think i deserved to be happy,why did i think i could actually have the life i wanted i shouldve fucking known.

I cant talk to my new "friends" about anything because i don't want to fucking trauma dump them,i cant talk to mh "close friends" because they simply dont care enough not even lying like they dont tell me anything they always go off and whisper sharing secrets its been like that for 2years. I CANT TELL MY MUM shes part of the issue,my dad wont rlly do anything he'll only feel sympathy and move on,my brothers all the way on the otherside od tje country but i doubt he cares enough, hed just take their side, my little sister...if i break down who will she have i cant do that to her...God i dont deserve God i dont deserve anyone maybe thats why im all alone.