Sounds like a really juvenile thing to say, but damned if it isn’t true. I’m going to sound like I pity myself, but I watch so many other people succeed and have happy lives, and I feel like such a fucking failure. Most days I just want to knock myself out with meds so I can sleep for the majority of the time, because the only time I’m not in pain is when I’m sleeping. 

It’s just such a lonely place to feel like a freak. To feel like someone who is not capable of being intelligent/being loved/being normal. There was a point in life where I had some hope that I would be able to drag myself out of a depression, but to be honest, I’m starting to doubt that. 

I see a therapist and I’m on two different antidepressant medications. Somehow, it’s not enough. It’s defeating to think I will never escape this. And when you’re as fucked up as I am, people don’t love you. 

Maybe if I didn’t have depression/an undiagnosed learning disorder/other chronic illnesses that have thrown my life in the shitter, things would have turned out for the better. But Im kinda done with what ifs. I’m legitimately just trying to drag myself into work on time so I don’t get fired (let’s just say, that hasn’t been going well). I wish, just for one day even, I could be happy again and have hope. I’ve honestly fucked up my life beyond belief and it’s all falling apart now.