Man I really don’t know what is going on?? So hello and thank u if you read this because I need sone input. 

I moved out looking to feel better in a new setting, in a healthier environment living by myself. I still feel shit I think? I don’t cry anymore and I don’t feel rage anymore bc no one bothers me. But I can’t seem to pull myself out to start exercising or do my uni work. 

I got a job to pay for rent obviously but I spend 60% in bed just making sure that the laptop doesn’t shuts down. I do get up to eat. I I’m writing my dissertation but mmm haven’t got past the objectives phase because really ,,, I don’t care I think. 

I don’t cut everyday and I don’t feel like killing myself I think??? Yet, if something “bad” happens,  I find myself saying the words I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. 

I want to exercise again and be healthy and pretty and have goals and it’s so frustrating because I dont do anything to get that. I see how people work their asses off to be able to travel or pay for their nose job and I want those things (I think they’d make me happy) but i dont do anything. 

Anyway I don’t have concrete goals, I feel like I’m living bc I’ve failed to kill myself so many times that I just resigned that idea. Im frustrated. Can’t figure this out. Am I ok? I do t know and I don’t want to be okay okay bc then no one will care about me. 

What’s happening!!! 

Am I just lazy? Or what is this? I’ve never been by myself with such tranquility, I don’t find myself throwing things at the wall bc honestly no one bothers me and when I reacted it was bc of my fam. And I’m out of there.