Sorry for the long rant but I'm kind od panicking rn.

So, a few years ago, my psychiatrist prescribed me Quetiapine and Elicea (AD). After like six months, I was on 500mg of Q. Started gaining weight. Felt like shit. Zombie. 

There was the thought in the back of my mind, a little voice who kept saying "This is how neurotypical people feel, this is normal, I should be fine now." but I HATED it.
 For some fucking reason, I missed the chaos, the insanity, the edge. My BPD gave me "mad artist" kind of vibe, and that's probably the only thing I kinda like, because my paintings were edgy and sort of beautiful. Couldn't do that on meds. 

I didn't want to fit in. I didn't want to get better, because that would mean all those fucking years of suffering and people not believing me were for nothing. 

Also, at the time, I started taking HRT. So I chose to believe HRT will save me, not the AP/AD, and without telling my psychiatrist, I stopped taking my meds,and eventually stopped going there as well.

For a while, I felt better. I truly did. Because HRT solved one of my main issues, and I managed to convince myself that that's enough.
It wasn't.

Of course I began to fall apart again. Got worse. 

Yesterday, I had my first appointment after a year and a half, and he gave me the same meds. 

I'm so fucking terrified of gaining weight again. Of being out of my mind, dissociating as I used to on them, of not being creative. I'm fucking scared of fitting in, because it feels false. 

Like "Let's get this guy sedated so he can be a part of society that never really wanted him.".

I know it sounds stupid, and I know I should start taking them again because I have to work, and if I was still screwed, it would help me get the disability pension (which is thankfully still on the table), but I'm just so scared and need to know how to deal with this. 

How do I get over it?