(crazy self-rant, sorry)

I am 20 now, male, and yeah, I don’t even know anymore. I know I don’t have it in me to kill myself because my family is already unstable (mentally, I can see it). My younger brother is skipping school and going to be receiving help soon, my older sister has already received help, and my older brother is seeing a therapist I went to (a few months back for my social anxiety).

The thing is, I don’t know where my social anxiety stands because I escaped from hell (senior year of highschool, covid hit) and my first two years of college have all been online. I told my therapist some things but held back a lot of other details.

Part of me thinks I am completely fine, though, while another part can’t remember a single thing. 

Part me feels extremely guilty and a fake friend and person.. Then another part thinks I am incapable of crying for others until I read stories of how suicide impacted family members

Idk if I am living in oblivion or something. I wrote down what I feel but the next day I am like no way is that me. Why do I switch back and forth? I know for a certainty I had extreme social anxiety and yes, I barely talk to people still. I am more of a listener but my therapist was surprised when everything I mentioned (my cooping methods) were what she recommends to other people.

 I didn’t want to tell her about my depression and fantasies of dying because it would be a burden to her. So we ended the sessions and I pretended, like always, that I am okay with a smile.

So yeah, I think I am all sorts of messed up. From adhd (not hyper, but I can’t remember/concentrate/retain information at school), to bipolar depression (my mom’s brother has it, so Idk), and then to social anxiety.

Then my thoughts switch to no, you don’t have that, stop. Your a fake and just unintelligent, don’t make excuses. I haven’t received medication yet and I have been feeling social anxiety symptoms since like 2nd grade. 

In my lucid dreams I like to act as if I died (my dream characters are terrible at pretending I am dead though). I once had a therapy session with tons of random people surrounding my bed with my insecurities and thoughts written on the walls. That was amazing.. can’t seem to recreate that.

I then had an edible in hope that it would help.. Then I had psychosis and my friends told me to kill myself and spoke of my social anxiety flaws so yeah, that was fun. My fear that people can read my expressions &amp; thoughts and see the true me came out there. Honestly, that experience (two months ago) killed my social anxiety a bit but replaced it with numbness, I can’t even explain that part. It feels good though

Part of me is screaming to just get diagnosed with all these things but I know my thoughts will attack me again while I am there.. That the doctor will think I am a fraud and I will think so too and then tell them I am actually fine, I was just having a bad day.

I am exhausted, yeah, tired and can barely run and workout. I sometimes sleep 10-12 hours and still feel tired. It seems like time goes to fast too and other times I can’t believe I am alive. 

I have a good diet, I run and workout (although inconsistent, I do it 2-6 times a week), and I always sleep 8+ hours. Sleep is my favorite part of the day and surprisingly video games are becoming boring