Im sorry, every single day I’m woken up with the same feelings and they don’t seem to be dissipating or even slightly going away, I’ve hurt so many people in such a short time and the idea that I could even do it again is so destroying and debilitating that I just can’t face that. I’m sorry for it all, I wish I could wake up feeling better and believing that things could Infact be better but I just know it can’t. I’ve not been happy with my life for a long period of time, and anytime I do get happiness, Every time I bring someone good in to my life, someone that genuinely makes me happy and someone I would do anything to make happy, I find some way to hurt them a lot, my fucked up thoughts and worries ruin things and makes me in to a selfish obsessed arsehole who breaks people’s trust, treats them like shit and ultimately shows them that they’d be better off without me. I let the same problems that have been engrained in to me flood over and I push people to the point where they no longer see the value in me being in their life, and I truly don’t blame them. I don’t value me so it’s not surprising that the people I treat like shit don’t either. I am an awful person, I’ve treated the few people who I was so lucky to have close to me, all so disgustingly bad, saying and doing things that wouldn’t be expected of someone who is meant to care for someone.

 There isn’t an excuse, my mental health isn’t a reason or any type of excuse to treat anyone badly or be the horrible person I let myself be. I destroy relationships, I do it through my own selfish means without even realising I’m doing it half the time, I subconsciously am an awful person, people welcome me in to their life and I fuck it up time and time again. Every single person who has been with me is now happier without me in their life, their life’s actually improved when I wasn’t in it. That’s so unbelievably telling of the person I am and the things I do. It doesn’t matter how many chances I’m offered, I always never learn and I continue to say disgustingly stupid things that I don’t mean, but I don’t think about the things I say I just say them without the social awareness to understand how they come across, I do it so much all the time and all it does is hurt people. The fucked up thing is my world was those that I cared so much about, my mind was flooded with thoughts of how happy they made me and how excited I was for the future with them and could only see the best things coming for me because I had someone so special to me that made me feel like I had some value as a person and could live a life I see as fulfilling but I am always the catalyst in those issues and problems, and always will be. I’m not deserving of a life like that, I’m an unstable childish mess of a person. 

This isn’t a self pity thing where I feel not good enough or feel like no one cares or understands me, it’s that people do care but I hurt them and treat them in such awful ways that they can’t have me in their life anymore, for their own sake. I’m not a good person, I’m a fucking awful person. So why spend time trying to improve myself when I don’t even believe that anything will work to change me, and then eventually end up hurting someone else? Nothing will change who I am. I’m an emotional manipulator, a controller and a horrible fucking person. I abuse people and it’s really that simple. I don’t know why I do the terrible things I do, but I don’t blame anyone for not wanting me in their life, I wouldn’t want me in it either. No amount of therapy, self help books, medication or “learning from your past” will change that because I just keep doing it and even though I try everything I can to change, it still happens. Why should I need a book, CBT, DBT you name what ever kind of therapy you want, just to function like a normal person? To treat people normally, to not act out in incredibly awful ways? Why can’t I just be normal?  Most people go through their life having friends, relationships, family members that they never treat like shit, who never act in such awful ways who don’t need therapy, medication, self help to get better or to just be better. I’m not normal, I’m this way because that’s the person I am, and the only person who can actually change me Is me, but I’ve tried time and time again, Im done trying to pretend I’ll ever be anything other than an awful, horrible, deceptive, manipulative piece of shit. My life has literally been littered with shame and guilt and no matter how bad I want to change or how much I try the same things keep happening, I keep pushing away and hurting the people I care so much about. 

It always gets to the point where I’ve hurt the person I love too much and they need to leave my life for their own good or my issues are so deep ridden that I’ll never be that person they want me to be, I just hurt people and have never been worth it to anyone, and I can’t blame them. I never felt good enough growing up, not from anyone, my family, my parents I always felt like I was letting down or annoying, always falling out with and arguing with and I’m sorry that I was never the child you wanted me to be, it shows I was born that way, it’s me I’m the problem, my brother ive never been close with or talked to really, didn’t have many friends at school and the few I did either cut me out their life when they met better ones and the one person that stayed I pushed away by treating him awfully, and the couple of friends I have now, I fear doing the same to. I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again and the truth is everyone is better with me not in their life they just haven’t realised it yet. No relationships should have the amount of problems I bring to them, 4 years, 1 and a half years or two months it doesn’t matter, I bring an abundance of toxicity and pain to them and I don’t think that will ever change, I’m sorry to those who have experienced that first hand and the shit I did to you, the tears I brought you, the relentless problems. You wanted me in your life but eventually realised I’m not the person you thought I was. It’s just who I am, internally. 

I’m thankful for the experiences and happiness that these people have brought me but truly sorry and ashamed for the damage I’ve done. For not repaying your love and support. I bring no positive qualities to people’s life’s and never will, I bring no positive qualities to my own life and never will. Its soul destroying. I wish I wasn’t me and I can’t continue to live, being me. I’m honestly sorry to anyone this hurts by the decision to do this, I wanted to be normal, I wish I could be so fucking badly but I’m just not, i never will be. I’m honestly a weirdo, an unsociable freak. I make decisions, awful decisions, awful reactions to situations that no one in their right mind would make, I’ve always done it and I always will because I’m fucked in the head. Everyday to me feels the exact same and has for months now, I’m trapped literally reliving all the awful things I did to people and the fact my life consists of the same shit everyday right now is a product of that. A product of me. Even though I don’t want to hurt people, yet I do time and time again, all of my life has consisted of losing people who mean a lot to me and realise they are better off. I’ve never had many friends or people I felt connected to, always felt in a way isolated and it’s not that crazy that when I meet someone I love that I expect too much from them, I become clingy and pushy, I am extremely selfish, I’m a horrible person by nature. 

Why am I such an unlikeable person? Why do I do any of the things I do? Why do I hurt people that I care so much about, drive them away? Why do I do this to myself so much every single fucking time, this is my fault and only mine so why do I do this? Why can’t I just have a life where I’m happy and I have the people who make me happy in it? I’m a fucking loser and I’m sick of being that and doing the things I do. I hate me, I hate my life, and I just don’t want to do this anymore. Months later and I’m still as fucked up from it all, still in as much pain, still hurt so fucking deeply by myself. My entire life has been me hating myself, felt I never fitted in anywhere had no identity and lost those that I cared so much about because of my actions. I don’t deserve the people I had in my life, the place I am is where I’m meant to be, mentally, socially, physically it’s all I’ve ever been and will be, and it stops now.

So many people have left my life and been better off, while every time I’m left facing me and the reality of it all, I don’t have anything worth it. Nothing I do gives me purpose, and anything that does make me happy I ruin. I feel so empty so pointless, literally nothing makes me happy or matters to me, and it’s so bad because it should, I should care and be happy but I’m not, I have a car, one year off a degree, stable job and money but that’s never mattered to me, I’ve never taken the opportunities to make a friend group, I wake up everyday to no texts or messages from anyone because I’m not a fun person to have in someone’s life, other people are. I get told over and over that I need to learn to be alone, but I’ve been alone my entire life I don’t do things that people my age should be doing or things I want to do because having people to do them with is what makes them special and matter. I’m sick of being alone. literally my entire life has been me being my only real friend, and anyone who does come in to my life I push away or isolate myself from them because I know I’ll eventually hurt them. Any social interaction I’m invited to or I’m part of I act like a controlling manipulative weirdo and want to make it all about me, no one wants me in their life and it’s not that hard to see why, I’m not someone is fun to be around or have in life. Im an embarrassment to people and I’m an embarrassment to myself, I wake up every day alone to do the same stuff over and over again, just trying to get to the next day, why would anyone want that? 

Everyday I want to die because this is not the person I ever wanted to be, or how I ever wanted to treat people, but it’s the reality of it. I’ve always had the idea to move country and get away, start my life again, but I’ve done that in certain aspects and I’ve fucked it up time and time again, the same stuff keeps happening, because the issue isn’t other people, it’s me. When people come in to my life they wonder why I do the certain things I do why my social media is so sparse, why I’m not out with people as much why I don’t have many friends, why I spend so much time on places like Reddit and I’m focused so much on self help, it’s because Its an escape to the reality of my life, about not wanting to be me and realising that there really aren’t many people in my life that see me as important to them or would consider me a good friend. It’s always been like that, I’ve always felt different from the rest and always been alone, it’s probably a big reason why I cling so much on to relationships because without that, I have virtually no social interaction and losing that person is literally losing everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m alone in life because I’m not good to have in others life’s, that’s been made clear to me time and time again. When I hurt someone like I have to people I’ve been lucky enough to love, I just choose to remove myself from their life at this point because it’s clear they’d be so much better off, forgetting ever meeting me, I’m a negative thing in their life and I can’t blame them for thinking that, it’s been that way my entire life, being someone that hinders people’s life’s, not benefits them. It’s why I have nothing. Im a hurdle to a happier life for them. I always was left feeling wonder why I never experienced anything with family when people spend so much time with their parents and get along with them, doing so much with friends being able to socialise and just be wanted by others, I’ve never had that and don’t think I ever will, I’m not deserving of it ive had chances to get that life I always wanted but being 25 and seeing where I am and how the same patterns continue and continue, it’s not worth the amount of serious therapy, medication everything to potentially be better, it won’t ever happen, I’m scared of being 30 35 40 or older and still having the same problems over and over, that’s not a life I Want to live, it’s never been. 

Should anyone go through life trying their hardest to not be the person they are? Is that a way to live? Waking up everyday trying to not be you? That’s been me my entire life, imagining, dreaming and sometimes praying to be someone different to be a person who has a life worth living, something about myself to make me care for the life I live with people who make me happy and who I can experience so much with. I’m tired of all of this pain and loneliness, it’s constantly realising I’m never gonna live that life I wanted and be with the people I do, because I’ll just hurt and hurt over and over again. I’m not happy being me and can’t imagine I ever will be, I live each day thinking about my past and the happiness I had and how I find ways each time to destroy it and that’s an issue with me as a person. I wish that things were different and my life wasn’t a continued feeling of regret and hate for myself but it’s not. I hate everything I’ve done, the way I let myself be and I just can’t keep waking up with the overbearing shame of it all. No matter how hard I try, the amount of effort, emotionally and mentally to be a better person, the person I want to be, it never changes. I repeat the same selfish, manipulative patters every time, I leave those who I care so much about freaked out and scared by my actions and who could blame them? I literally push the people I love to be scared of me, their families not wanting them to be involved with me anymore their friends thinking they’d be be better off without me, and where does that leave me? Facing the reality of my actions of the person I am of the person I let myself be time and time again, I’m a monster a fucking freak and someone no one should have the misfortune of having in their life. 

They deserve better, so much better, and I absolutely do not. I put myself in these situations I create them, I give myself the false hope that I can be happy, have someone in my life that does make me happy, someone I truly fucking care so much about but I always, always find some way to fuck it up, to ruin the thing that I love so much, and then I’m left thinking about this stuff day to day realising how much of an awful person I am, I never learned the first time it happened, the second or third so who’s to say I will now? I appreciate everyone who has tried to help me and support me through this hard time, you tried you’re absolute best but I’m too far gone, this was inevitable it always has been. 


The inclination of hope was the only thing I’ve had to keep going in the last years. That things could improve I could get that life I wanted, that I could have the people in it that matter the most. It’s been rightfully shot down time and time again even when I try to fix things, commit to being better I delude myself to think I’ll ever change. The reality is when I hear the tone of their voice when talking to me. The coldness of it, the lack of interest in me or having anything to do with me, and not just them everyone around them family and friends alike. They don’t want anything to do with someone like me, I had people that used to be excited to see me spend time with me and truly brought me so much happiness and I’ve pushed away like always because I can’t ever be the person they hoped I’d be, the person I hoped I’d be. They see me for what I truly am, a horrible, selfish and destructive person. They have every right to no longer want someone like me in their life and feel they would be better off if I wasn’t part of it. I deserve this all of this. It’s why I’m alone, why Im the person I am, the choices I make are my own and I live with those choices every single day. Everyone would be better off without me in their life that’s the only thing I’m sure about. I hate no one but myself so please don’t think or believe that any of this was directed outwards, I cared and still care so much about those that I hurt but my actions have always been telling of the person I am and the life I live. This isn’t a case of just pushing through this hard time because I’ve tried to distract myself, meeting people, watching tv, playing games, going out walks talking to my family and grandparents and everything you are supposed to do in hard times, but my life has been this constant feeling of being unwanted and lack of identity, I don’t know who I am or what matters to me, the only times I’ve ever felt truly myself and happy is when I am with those that I love and to have people that mean so much to me, and holding out hope that a person like that will once again appear in my life isn’t worth all this constant hate for myself. 

I mentally and physically just can’t do this anymore, hurting people I care about and put so much in to loving, and then have them leave my life. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I never have and anytime I think things have gotten better I find a way to fall back to where I was but this time it’s so much worse, I genuinely believe there’s something defective with me as a person, I think I’m internally broken, I’m a crazy person who obsesses over being someone else. I hate the skin I am in. It hurts so much to care so much about someone, to try your hardest to be the best person you can be, and yet continue to fuck it all up, because you can’t change. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me, and going on living each day wishing I wasn’t me isn’t something I want to do anymore. I miss the feeling of having someone I care so much about in my life, that feeling of connection and love, it takes so much for me to feel that feeling of love and belief that someone loves me but every time, every fucking time I ruin it, I change their perception of me, I show them why I’m not someone they want in their life. Now I wake up everyday with constant thoughts each day are of the people I’ve hurt and lost due to my actions and just how fucking weird and horrible I am, I don’t want to keep doing that, I can’t justify it in anyway, I’m pathetic. I don’t see how anyone could ever love someone so fucked up. I can pin point the exact date the last time I laughed, genuinely smiled or felt any sense of happiness, it hurts me so much looking back to that day realising how short lived any happy moments in my life are and the only reason I lose that is because of me and my actions the decisions I make and which I’m responsible for. It breaks my heart, it hurts me so much and all I do day to day is relive it and feel it every moment. I hate everything about myself, I’m nothing but the fucking bane of my own existence and choices, I genuinely know and believe that I am worth nothing to no one and there is a part of me that at least feels some feeling of acceptance and gratitude that no one will ever deal with the shit I bring, the problems I have and the consistent hurt. I’m sorry to those who did, but now others will have a chance at happiness without people like me in their life. 


No one deserves to be treated the way I treated people. I sincerely hope they live a happy life, they absolutely deserve it, because even though it all ended through me being so horrible to them, they brought me happiness that meant the world to me, genuinely. This isn’t anyone’s fault but mine so please don’t feel guilty for it, no one can save me from myself or the things I do over and over again, so please don’t look for someone or something to blame, this was my decision, something I caused and created and this is the only thing I’ve felt sure about. I’m really sorry I wish I was a better, different person, but I’ll never be the person I want to be or how I want to be for others. These have been the loneliest, lowest, most self hating months of my entire life, I can’t keep running from the person I am and the things I do. I just can’t bare to see someone I care so much about leave my life again and decide they are better off because of the things I do, my life isn’t what I ever wanted it to be, and the way I treat people isn’t the way I ever wanted to treat them, but I always cross the line and lose the person who means more than anything to me. I’m a disgusting person and that’s all I ever have been, I assure you the world will be a better place without horribly toxic people like me in it. There is no going back now. There’s a part of me that genuinely believed these people I was blessed to have in my life were signs of fate, an angel in a sense, someone who has came in to my life to show me that I can have that life I always wanted and strived for, that connection, love and feeling of being wanted and cared about, I was so unbelievably happy with the snippet of the life I had with those that were so close to me and meant so much but I destroyed it, pushed them away and hearing the distance and disassotiation they have with me when realising just how awful I was for them how horrible I was and how I was nothing but a negative influence on them, even their friends and family mimic those feelings, because it is undeniable truth. 


Then the familiar feeling of me having to reflect on myself, to look at the person I am and the complete and utter emptiness that is my everyday life. I have no doubts that these people are better off without me in their life, absolutely no doubts, I believe and know everyone would live a happier and more fulfilling life without someone like me in it, it’s why I removed myself from social media and isolated myself in these last number of months. I can’t hurt anyone else I can’t go through this self hating pain and realisation of the person I am time and time again. The three who were so special and close to me will go on and make the world a better and brighter place, bringing happiness to their friends, family and those closest to them. They deserve utter happiness because they are amazing beautiful people with pure hearts and souls who I done nothing but hurt, but that won’t change the outcome of their life and the meaning they will bring for the rest of their life. Everyone is lucky to have people as incredible and special as them. I loved them with every inch of my heart and I’m sorry my actions didn’t reflect that and for the horrible experiences I brought, the tears I caused them. I never wanted to be that person or see those that mean the most to me in pain, but it’s what I do, consistently and unforgivably hurt those who don’t deserve anything but love and kindness. 


Everyday is the same, I’m hurting so so so much, close to tears everyday, feel worthless hopeless I’ve just given up on this, living on to feel this for a long time to not know when it will end and for when it will inevitably happen again. The same thoughts go through my head everyday no matter how much I want them to stop, I hate the person I am, the person I’ve let myself be to others and for the person I will be in the future. I can’t do this anymore I feel so alone and isolated, this isn’t living, this is just enduring pain and hate in the blind hope it will somehow maybe get better when I know it won’t, I’ve been through this too many times. I can’t keep waking up in this skin and life, the loneliness and calamity of everyday is nothing but just self hate, even when I’m around people I know see value in me I feel incredibly alone so I just isolate myself to save them from the inevitable. This is truly what I want and I have for a number of months now as well as periods in my life. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I never have, why I do the things I do and destroy the things I love but  I can’t run from my past and I am bound to repeat the future because I’ve tried everything I can to be the person I wanted to be for me and those that mean the most. I can’t have someone I care so much about leave my life again because of the shit that I have brung on them for living a life I’m too pathetic to have. This is the end for me, I have no future only unavoidable pain that is completely, profoundly self inflicted. I’m sorry.