Sorry I'm a little wavy writing this, just trying to survive right now and need a nudge of confidence to do this. 

I've bought the pills, have a plan. Sorry to disappoint my family and best friends but they'll be fine and it's the most compassionate thing to do for everyone.

I've struggled with severe complex ptsd and depression since February 2018 in and out of hospital and all the meds just kept me alive between suicide attempts and every day was so hard but the last hear I was getting stronger and went for my old job back. An ED nurse. They loved me. I loved them. Then the flashbacks started. Increasing anxiety, panic attacks, pain, nightmares, from my childhood and then after tough day in resus I lost 2.

One just like my grandma a year ago. The second messy and unpleasant needing CPR. Nothing special for an ED nurse and I would have been fine without ptsd. Occupational health signed me off for 3 months. I can't as nurse not work for 3 months. 

Now I don't think I can do the only job I love. I've got work ptsd now. So will probably have leave work. Without work I love, ill leave my life too. 

The only thing next is suicide. I don't want to work in outpatients. I'm good at ED. I like to see people smile on gyhe worst day of their week ease that pain or fix that infection. I just love it. I just bring it home more than most and that worries them. So I've decided to die instead.

After a gorgeous self medicated holiday next week. I'm going to leave and find peace. Loose the shaking, nightmares, constant anxiety palpitations mmussvle tension, panic attacks, nausea, difficulty eating, difficulty sleeping, endless flashbacks to every little corner I wish to forget. It will be over. 

My family and friends are amazing and I feel bad. But do believe they'll be better in the long run. I'm so lucky for what I have as an adult but the reexperiencing and anxiety and low mood is too much. 

I made a note and a practical list to help my partner and family. I hope it does. 

Does anyone else relate?