So I've been depressed for a really long time but only got a proper diagnosis 2 years ago, surprise surprise, I have major depressive disorder. It only seems to be getting worse, even when objectively I have all the capabilities a human being needs in order to get better. I feel like everyone around me is getting tired of me and the people that are still here are doing it so that I won't kill myself, they don't actually like me. They might've liked the person I put on as a front but after I stopped having the energy to maintain that, they're just keeping around so that they don't have the guilt of my eventual death. I'm just so tired, I don't have hope anymore. I have become an empty husk of a human being. Even if I try doing all the things I think I want to do, I just don't have the basic human ability to enjoy things and be happy. And everyone just makes me feel guilty for being the way that I am. That I have control over this and the fact that I haven't done the things to get better means that I want to be depressed, that I am intentionally putting myself in this position. It hurts, it really hurts to hear this because it means all this suffering I feel is deserved, that it's my fault and that I'm not trying hard enough. I quite literally don't have it in me to try harder. I know I'm not even trying but I really don't have it in me. Just existing is crushing. But when will I have the energy to do more than just exist? I feel like I keep giving the excuse that I have no energy as a means to defend how I'm like this. But I really can't do anything else. I don't have the motivation or energy. I have no passion and see no reason to live. Idk how to appreciate the small things in life. There is really no point in me continuing to live. I feel like everything that I supposedly want to do is just another thing the voices in my head are forcing onto me. I genuinely don't feel like I'm my own person. I can't stand to be in this body and mind anymore, it's corrupted. The only reason I want to get better isn't to see myself thrive but to just stop being in this hell I call life, I don't actually want to get better for myself. I would much rather die but that doesn't seem like a possibility. I guess it's true when my father says I want to be depressed. But it really hurts to hear that because it makes it seem like I enjoy this. Can't I want this to end? Can't I want things to change? I just want things to get better without me having to do anything for it because I'm tired. I genuinely don't have the energy or motivation to do anything but I want things to get better. I must be delusional.