First, I had someone really mess with me and I can't even consider getting involved with someone without convincing myself that they'll seriously hurt me somewhere down the line. I refuse to commit til I meet someone really special and until we've spent years together and I know that they won't hurt me intentionally again.

So I started having casual things.

Basically I meet someone. I'm straightforward and honest with what I want and they agree that they want NSA too. Every time, I've been sure the girl had feelings though and wanted to cut it off but couldn't, partially because I like the sex, and partially because I really care for people I get casually involved with. Any attempt to bring up that they might have feelings is denied at first.

Every time I go out with these girls or text someone else, or even mention another girl, I feel like it creates resentment in these women, which they immediately stuff down. Examples would be, insisting we leave a bar because an attractive woman, or women, are looking at me, or turn off a movie because one of the actresses is too attractive. At some point, this turns into passive-aggressive behavior, which I ignore at first because, or try to hint at the cause because I don't want to start an argument or lose this person. With at least one girl, the passive-aggressive behavior was really controlling, which triggers me because of my mom and past experience where someone controlled me without me realizing. I'm also very empathic, and if someone uses emotional passive-agression (sulking to induce guilt etc) then I REALLY feel that guilt and start acting out. I should also note that I talk about psychology and philosophy A LOT, and that I seem to hit a sour note from time to time by talking about something that they are doing but unaware of, which creates more resentment. This usually happens when talking about how EVERYONE nowadays stuffs down all their pain and takes it out on whatever outlet they can justify mistreating(convinced this is the cause of road rage), people are in denial about that shit for a reason, there's a lot of unresolved shit buried deep down. Eventually, I just dissociate to protect from the pain and from taking on the negativity anymore. Then I just start saying exactly what is happening and create more resentment. I then try to pull away, telling them that we're just gonna hurt eachother and that they shouldn't be sleeping with me if they have feelings, but they're attached by this point. This is where it always breaks down. A pattern of me calling them out for passive-aggressive behavior, them calling me an asshole, me dissociating more, and thus calling them out on more things, me pulling away, them pulling me back... etc, etc ,etc. Until there's just too many feelings and memories for me to even be friends with this person anymore, which is sad because I usually become really good friends with these people and we become each others confidants at first. Then I usually have attacks of guilt over and over again for a few months until I fully rethink the situation and realize that we were both to blame.

Then I start to wonder if casual relationships can work or if this always happens.

Note: This is written as if the other person is completely to blame which is not at all what I mean. The BPD blame-deflecting might have seeped into what I wrote unintentionally. I can be very hard to be around and I still have over-reactions to insignificant things sometimes, especially if I'm stressed.