TlDr: don't put sobriety on a pedastool. Makes the fall hurt more the higher you elevate sobreity. Day by day, or 60 seconds at a time. Whatever works for you. There are no back-steps on the road to recovery. Just roads that are bumpier than others.


Having a relapse/drinking day. Something reminded me of Artie Lange on JRE episode 1376. If you've never touched a drug in your life, it's still a worthwhile episode to watch/listen.

Remember: relapses are the slippery stones on the cobbled road to recovery.

There is nothing to be gained by beating yourself up over the less than productive things we can sometimes do to cope.

Went to sell some camera equipment I inherited from my dad. Ugly cried for a solid 30-120 seconds in the store. Mad respect to the staff for not being weirded out. Realised I'm still coping with that loss over a year later. Parents divorced before I came online as a human, so I have no memories of my parents being together, despite having memories as young as 2 or 3.

Would visit Dad during Spring break and Summer vacation(lived in different state) and every thing we did, he would always have his camera with him. Out of any of his possessions his Tiger's eye ring and his camera equipment were the only things that had emotional history. He always wore a tiger's eye ring. Never found it. He probabily pawned it. But I personally have 0 intrest in photography, and know he would want his equipment in the hands on one who could apreciate and use it, versus it rotting in it's case in my closet.

Dad had undiognosed psych issues. He had gone AWOL for a few years. That act was the impetus for me seeking phych care in earnest. Mom is bipolar, and I was diognosed with MDD/Manic Depressive at a young age..like 8-13 range.(1990's era).

About the time he began to slowly come around to the idea of accepting help, he deied.

More than anything I'm venting. But figured I'm not the only one who is dealing with personal issues, and sometimes just knowing your not alone in this is massively helpfull. 

Had a massive episode and lost my job and neary had a heat stroke(live in centrak TX in a trailer w/ no AC). My body temp hit 102 *f more than once this month. Honestly considered checking into local psych inpatient care based on the concept that if I can't be motivated to avoid heat exhaustion/heat stroke, that qualifies as a danger to myself. Snapped out of it today but in-patient care isn't off the table. Also alcohol is the absolute worst choice ofnbeverages in high heat whe your aren't drinking enough water.

PSA: if heat is making you dizzy/confused: cold shower ASAP. Or ice/cold anything on top of head, neck, armpits, groin, elbows, back of knees and feet. Akways have something between your skin and any ice packs. Frostbite + heat stroke is just silly/embarrassing(joke, but a legitimate concern)

Waiting to hear back from my psych folks regarding reatarting my med titration after missing too many doses of a med that needs to be tappered on and off of. Been pushing my luck too far lately.

Isolating, but know that any form of venting is better than just soaking in it.

I dunno what I'm trying to say. Maybe this is just 100% venting/ word salad.

My days of bottling this up inside are long gone.

Was also reminded of a new friend/neighbor who took her life about a decade ago. Hun, I don't remember your name, but I will never forget you. To quote Butthole Suffers, "..You never know just how you look through other peoples eyes..."Pepper" is the song I'm refrencing. https://youtu.be/CO8vBVUaKvk for the folks too young to know the reference.

Just know, you matter to people in ways you will never ever grasp. 

Thanks and apologies for this dishoveld drunken rant.