So to put it bluntly I don’t really want to be alive. And before people say the (tw) s word I’m not actively trying to harm myself at the moment. But the task of existing and pretending to enjoy life because I don’t ever, is getting hard. I don’t remember the last time I really liked anything without it being a lie to make people think I’m ok. I don’t know much about myself because there’s not really anything to know. So it feel like I already don’t exist. I cover up my anguish with humor and my silence with avoiding. My therapist says I should talk about my feelings but I feel like I don’t really feel much besides burden. Which I don’t consider a feeling but an act.  

My antidepressants don’t help but make me worse(ive been taking my current lexapro for 3 months and before that I switched from Zoloft which I took for 3 months). I don’t really have hopes and dreams and talking about myself makes me very emotional. Oh my goodness the feeling of emptiness I feel trying to answer the simplest questions about MYSELF that I can’t even say. I don’t even know my favorite color or favorite food. I don’t drive because I’m scared my thought would take me off a bridge. And telling people I don’t drive is hard because they don’t understand the danger I pose to myself is very serious. 

Tbh the funniest thing is the only thing keeping me alive is my fear of pain. 
I tried to (tw) overdose on pills 4 years ago and didn’t do much but throw up and to this day nobody knows what I did. I’m failing college bc I don’t feel motivated to be a human being. I’m really lost.

I’m writing all this just so I can have a place for my thought. What should I even do? I tried everything. Getting a hobby, finding out about myself. They really didn’t work. It’s gotten so bad.