I gave my fiancé an ultimatum of canceling the wedding or breaking up and he canceled the wedding. We don’t have the money for it and we don’t have the help for it.

I wouldn’t mind doing everything by myself if I could not live in this town where I’m constantly reminded of what happened to me as a child and no one caring.

I wouldn’t mind making all the cool things for it, designing, doing the cheapest things we can do, but we already heard from his family of judging what we wanted (like having our dogs be a part of the ceremony, having the music be rap/underground rap, having a karaoke machine, etc) and I’m already tired of it when we were just talking about ideas.

When I said that I wouldn’t mind getting married, I just wanted a courthouse wedding because I wanted to focus on moving out of this meth den of a town, but when he asked me to marry him, he thought that we could put that on the back burner. 

I told him that this wedding is making me suicidal because it just proves how no one cares about me to come to the wedding and how everyone will judge me. I don’t have friends to help, I don’t have a family that cares, and he could say all day how his family cares, but he isn’t that big of an influence in his family’s lives either. His aunts had their own kids and grandkids that they don’t have enough room or time to even invite us out to a local family get together or to even say ‘no’ when he tries to plan something for all of his family and they just leave him on read.

He took down the event, he posted online about the cancellation, he is going to get a refund for the venue, and he messaged the tailor to see if he could get a refund of the dress, which I doubt because they have a ‘no refund’ policy. 

He is hurt and I feel like a total waste of space and the biggest piece of shit. I would have loved to have done the wedding, I would have loved my dress, but I feel so numb with being in this town. All I can think of when I go outside here is how often I was gang raped, how many people knew and made fun of me or punished me for it. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I just want to die.