recently i lied on an university interview about "personal problems" and "having to work" because i took their entrance exam at a later date and they asked about it. really i was in another city taking another entrance exam for a uni that was my first choice. i knew that's not what they wanted to hear (first hand info from other people who told the truth at this interview) and i made this up. i mean, i did work all summer, and the rest of the entrance exam went great, but i feel so bad lying. the results are in 2 weeks and the guilt is eating me alive. in my personal opinion, the stuff i submitted is pretty decent and only now going to uni from high school, and i think i deserve a second chance, but i feel so terrible about it! i think i should be judged by my capabilities and not what i dreamt up a few months ago and failed at.

anyway, today i made up an even bigger lie. i'm currently taking a train to the city where i'll be working for a month and maybe even studying in a few months, and this conductor comes to check my ticket. i give him my high school student train card (which is like a huge discount on any train ride and which i should not be using, since i'm no longer in high school) he makes some small talk and then asks me which high school i go to. and then i make up this big big disgusting lie about how i go to a high school in the city we're heading to and i live with my aunt to help her with her kids because her husband is gone. i am 500% he saw right through me because we started talking about kindergarten how one of my little cousins is having trouble there and he starts talking about "if you say a lie 100 times it becomes a truth" and "a lie said at the right time at the right place is a truth". i do have an aunt in the city and she does have kids, but her husband is very much alive and i'm not living with them... all this because i didn't have the balls to tell him " i'm sorry, i'm still using my high school train card because I don't have the money to pay full price and i haven't gotten into uni yet" i think he would have understood. plus this guy is literally on every train i get on. i'm literally burying myself in my own bullshit.

idk what i wanted with this rant. any kind of comment is welcome. i just want to know what to do about this. i got off SSRIs after 2 years of taking them, and idk, maybe i was like this before them too. no stability and utter confusion with life rn is making me do this kinda stupid shit to myself when all i want is something to turn out right, and i feel like it's going to come back at me somehow. help lol