When I'm in any situation where I'm supposed to be having fun or happy, I can't be. I'm too in my head or dissociating too badly to enjoy myself. I'm too busy observing everyone around me, seeing the genuine joy on everyones' faces, and wondering why I can't just be normal like them? The loud noises, the smiles, the laughter, it's too much for me to handle. It starts to feel like walls closing in on me. I worry what if one day I end up being a parent... Would my kid notice how absent I am all the time mentally? Will I quietly fade into the background at all their birthday parties, school events, etc too??? It's too hard to even force a smile most of the time. It's pathetic. My negative vibes probably just rub off on everyone around me and ruins their time too. Sometimes I think everyone would be so much happier and better off without me. I'm such a mopey, pouty, miserable person. I have no energy or excitement. I'm just a shell of a person with no personality. I'm not fun to be around.