Hihi! I wanted some advice or maybe some stories from people who may have/are experiencing something similar. I’m not looking for anyone to diagnose me I’m just hoping i can hear from people who know what im talking about.

Theres multiple things i wanna talk about so bear with me lmao

1.) My entire life ive felt like everyone has some secret agenda to subtly psychologically torture me. Even when i was young (elementary school age) I used to attend an after school program and whenever i went to the bathroom i would peek through the windows to make sure no one was having some secret meeting where they talk about everything they hate about me and how to ruin my life. It’s so fucking annoying because even now that i know most people arent out to ruin my life (especially my friends) i still view everything as some sort of threat if that makes sense? Like my friends will say something to me and my mind automatically sounds alarms and shuts down and i can get kind of nasty (which is something im really trying hard to work on) and it hurts people around me even if they meant no harm. 

2.) almost everyday i wake up and wish i didnt (i am not at risk of suicide i promise) and i dont know what causes it i dont know how to stop it and its more of a nuisance than anything. I have no desire to live past 22 i dont wanna grow old i dont wanna start a family i dont wanna get a job or be successful bro i dont even wanna wallow but its all i have the energy to do. I can’t bring myself to watch my favorite shows (except for the ones i can just run for background noise that i dont have to pay attention to) i can’t bring myself to listen to my favorite songs anymore all i do is take care of my dog and my grandma. Everything just feels like its not worth the effort. Of course there are better days but the good days never seem worth bad

3.) Sometimes i get very agitated for no reason and i know thats normal (i think) but it feels excessive sometimes? Like its everyday all the time Ill be asked a simple question or someone will be talking for slightly too long and ill just be seething in silent anger. Ill legit damn them and their family to hell and back (in my head of course) for no reason. Its starting to affect me daily because of my home situation im asked to do things all the time and i get so mad that i almost send myself into hyperventilation or smth for no reason. 

I’ve looked done a little research on anxiety, depression, and bpd(2 specifically) and i see myself in a lot of the symptoms but idk. Anyway yeah! If you have any advice or experience with feelings like this please let me know (only if you’re comfortable!) thank you for reading! Have a good day &lt;33