Hi. So last January I got hospitalized for a depression. I ask for help and my boyfriend at the time was pissed off because “ i went to the hospital bc I was sad “. I know he’s a piece of shit, that’s why I broke up with him. But those words messed me up. I can’t talk about how I feel anymore, I’m scared every time when I go see a doctor or a psychologist for my mental health. Taking care of my mind didn’t help anymore. So unconsciously, I stopped making sure I was okay. Every time a mental breakdown was coming, i was running to something to distract myself. I didn’t want to be the “ sad girl “ anymore. It’s pissing off everyone. Thinking that my sadness/emptiness is not there kinda helped me in a way. It’s the first time in 5 years that I’m not hospitalized in less than 9 months. I got a new job, I went back to school, I bought my first car and I even have enough money to ride horses! I’m so proud of me. But I know I’m not happy. 

TW : Eating disorder/Suicidal thoughts/Self harm

My eating disorder is getting really bad. Not bc I wanna be skinny, I honestly just want to die. I don’t wanna be like that anymore. I have a normal life, an actually PERFECT life. But every time there’s negative stuff I loose my shit. When I’m going through really intense emotions, I dissociate the day after. Im also not okay when I work because I got so triggered by the lights and the noises. When I’m getting angry, I just wanna jump out of a bridge of cut my wrist as deep as I can. 

I said to my psychiatrist that I don’t want medical help anymore (I still take my antidepressant tho bc if I don’t I’m gonna shut down physically). I just don’t talk to my psychologist anymore and I’m ignoring the calls. 

Basically, I wanna forget that I have emotions because there are too intense but now it’s getting heavier and I wanna die.