When things are fine or I start feeling chronically empty or if things are "too well", it really feels like I deliberately do things to really hurt myself. For example, starting arguments with family or the SO or pushing them away to see if they'd break up with me (even though I REALLY don't want them to). Another example is listening to really depressing and sad music so that I can cry. I think I think I deserve the pain. Why do I do this to myself....?