So me and my boyfriend (26F &amp;amp; 24M) have been in a LDR on and off for the last 19 months. We recently got back together 3 months ago, after a six month separation where he dated almost immediately, and I didn’t.  For the most part things have a been great. However he’s changed drastically. He used to be so needy, and clingy, and when we fought he just wanted me to talk to him, remind him I love him even though I’m mad and wanted to work things out. Looking back on it, he seemed like he had discouraged bpd, which is what I have. He’s not nearly as reassuring as he once was. He’s cool with going days without talking, we rarely fool around anymore, honestly changed to the point of our relationship 9/10 feels more like a friendship. 

Coming back into this because he’s nearly exactly opposite of everything I once knew and loved, this causes me to be even more clingy and needy then before. He knows of my BPD and he knows he’s my favorite person. He’s put me through a lot in the past that I’ve had a hard time letting go of,  but I’ve been trying to forgive and forget, and move forward. He knows I’m still kinda healing through the damage from our breakup. I try not to let my fears and doubts control me and how I act in the relationship and I feel for the most part, I’ve been doing well. He even agrees, I’m an entirely different person, but in a good way and while that’s great and his changes has obviously contributed to the cloud of fears, worries and doubt that I try so hard to control. 

So why do I feel like I’m being punished? Well the last two weeks he’s been trying to finish some house renovations that him and his family have been working on since spring, or so he claims. I believe him, but doubts obviously do come to mind frequently. This is something that occasionally here and there he’d take a couple days away to focus on doing that. Although I hated the distance at the time, I pushed through it. Well he’s gotten back to working on that project, barely spending time with me. And when he does have time it’s short lived. It’s more about the quality of our time together than the quantity. But it does get a little disheartening when I’m already struggling with the quantity and then I see it getting smaller and smaller. Yet, he has all the time in the world to game with his buddies when they’re around. The little time he did make for me within the last week was never longer than two hours and twice I was ditched for his buddies. 

Seeing this and feel like I’m not nearly as important to him and his friends are, it hurts. Which makes me ‘pissy’ as he would call it. He has told me that does nothing for me and if anything only makes him not want to spend time with me when he’s able to because then he has to deal with that. Even as I type this he’s in a discord server playing a game with two of his buddies, and while I know his buddies can only play on the weekends, it seems like house renovations can be put off to hang out with them. Yet when I want some time and attention he tells me I can’t be selfish when it comes to him being busy, life is life. However he’ll keep himself offline on everything I have him on, and that just kinda reinforces the idea that he has plenty of time and he actively chooses to not spend it with me because I’ll be ‘moody’ about the time I wasn’t getting. This only makes me even more hurt and upset. 

He’s allowed to have a life. I have accepted that, even if I have a hard time with him having a life outside of me. What I’m mostly mad about is the quality of time we spend together, and if these house renovations are so urgent to finish for winter, how and why he’ll game for 10+ hours a day on the weekend. It’s hard to see him sit there and game with friends but I know he wouldn’t put that kinda time into me right now. He’d go do those renovations instead. But honestly I kinda doubt that’s even what’s going on. I’m convinced he keeps himself offline so I can’t see when he’s online and what he’s doing. He’s very good at making sure I know only what he wants me to know. 

I’m just so frustrated but I know I won’t leave him. But I’m terrified of him leaving me. And this act of him only being around when he wants to be has me feeling guilty, because I feel like it’s my fault. The last thing I want is to push him away. So I’m trying to be patient and I’m trying not to be overbearing. I don’t even text him unless he texts first. I never ask to spend time together and let him come to me. But he notices this too and he sees it as me doubting he loves me. Which I can see how that’d push him away even more. I can’t turn it off. It’s a cycle. 

I read a comment on a bpd post yesterday about armchair diagnosed girlfriends coming to this server to cry and complain and maybe that’s what I’m doing. I just don’t know where else I can vent my frustrations where others can honestly and truly relate.