Ending a relationship with a girl with BPD

***WARNING ⚠️⚠️⚠️ VERY LONG POST***

I will happily take any feedback, thoughts and suggestions. I don’t post on here often and I’m just in a difficult spot in life and need some help. Thank you and much love in advance.

Hello Redditors. I am a college student (22M) dating a girl (22F) with BPD. Background on how we started dating: We had every single academic class together and we worked in the same residence hall staff as RAs. 

We saw each other every single day. However, at the time she fell for me, she was dating someone else. So we went to a Halloween party and she cheated, with me. 

The cheating should have ended there but she would invite herself up to my room and the cheating continued through the remainder of her relationship until she dumped the other man. Two months later, we were official and have been together since February. It’s now approaching December and I’m close to graduating college. 

She made it clear to me that she has BPD early on. It messes with her from time to time and I listen to her and comfort her. She told me how hard she is to date and love.

I didn’t think BPD was a big deal and I was misinformed about the symptoms and whether that would hinder a relationship. So I thought nothing of it and made her my girlfriend anyway.

I am Asian and her dad is very racist and won’t allow her to date outside of white men. I know it shouldn’t matter as long as we’re compatible but if you’re dating for marriage, you’re marrying both sides of the family. It’s important that I feel welcome in the family too. 

She has a past, from high school, of drug use, excessive drinking, and unprotected sex with strangers she revealed to me. I would have never guessed. She was so quiet and sweet. She changed her ways when she started college and moved away from that life style. 

She is very antisocial and doesn’t have many friends. She self-deprecates her self most days, always talking about how fat she is even though she isn’t an ounce over 135 lbs. 

Her anxiety eats her up everyday and I couldn’t even fathom the amount of stress she goes through on a daily basis. She has very low energy probably due to the constant thoughts. People with BPD are going through a daily battle that’s all in their head. 

They know it’s all in their head but they can’t do anything about it. It affects school, work, and nearly all life decisions

She is a sweet girl, but I feel like she is somewhat naive and childish. One month into dating, she writes notes with “Love me forever” all over my things.

She wants me to promise her that I will spend the rest of my life with her, she speaks of weddings, what our children will look like. Mind you, this was 2 months into dating.

She will have extreme irritability when challenges arise and things aren’t perfect. I genuinely become scared when she gets mad. And it’s usually about a shirt not fitting right or something as trivial as that.

She always asks if I’m mad at her when I respond with anything less than a paragraph when text messaging. She’s extremely clingy and dependent.

I feel like she’s not a complete person. While I care about her, I feel like she’s bringing me down in a time in my life where I’m supposed to be working towards developing my career, studying/grad school. 

She hasn’t seen a professional. I proposed it a lot in the beginning but she refuses therapy for her condition and the other laundry list or physical ailments that burden her everyday.

I’ve begun to feel like more of a caretaker than a boyfriend in this relationship and when I think about the long term, the negatives outweigh the positives.

Foolish me, I should’ve seen the signs earlier. I was blinded by what I thought was genuine love, but was just a girl who was desperate for validation and was suffering internally. 

I hurt for her but it is not my responsibility to be her caretaker or therapist, that is for a licensed professional who can treat and manage symptoms of her mental illness. 

Sorry for the long post, but my main question is how do I go about breaking off this relationship? She loves me, but she is very difficult to love.

And I am not obligated to love her. 

Furthermore, I have yet to meet her parents and I know one parent is completely opposed to interracial relationships. 

She brings this up all the time and it is also one of the things that haunts her. “Will we work out?” “How much do you want to be with me?” She always asks. “Am I enough for you?” “Are you going to leave me?” “I don’t want you to leave me” “Do you see yourself with me forever?” “You’re gonna leave me when I get fat.”

She asks/says these things nearly every day along with telling me how compatible and perfect I am. (I’m not perfect by any means lol).

We both interned/worked together in the same city where we attend school and she would basically stay over at my off campus apartment everyday.

So basically she moved in with me. I got a taste of what being married was like. All it took was that summer for me to understand that I didn’t see a future with her, especially with children in the mix. 

The sweet times are sweet and beautiful but the bad times are horrible. There’s nothing in between.

I should also mention the fact that she went through my phone and read messages between me and my brother. How do I know? She texted me about it.

Basically, I told my older brother, in my text messages that the relationship basically won’t last and I needed his thoughts on the right time to end it and how.

So now, her integrity is also in question.

The first time I attempted to break up with her, she cried on her knees and then latched onto me begging me to stay. Here’s how it went down:

One night, She tearfully and sadly brought up how her family would most likely not accept me so I responded with logic and told her that “we probably shouldn’t continue the relationship” 

The next day she texted and called 20 times before I even woke up for class. And during my exams that day, she would be texting and calling my phone.

I know breakups are very difficult as I have been broken up with before, but for a girl with BPD, I think it is equivalent to physical pain for her.

When I texted her that “we probably shouldn’t continue the relationship” in response to her messages, she told me she cried so much and so hard that she was throwing up at work and couldn’t eat food. 

She manipulated me into staying by telling me how much she loved me and re-telling stories about our good times. She was hugging me and kissing me and wouldn’t let go of me.

The problem with me? I care. A lot. It’s hard for me to let go of things and she is using that to her advantage.

I care about her wellbeing and I want to break up with her and know that she will be ok and won’t try to harm herself in any way. 

I’ve never dealt with a situation like this nor have I been in a relationship this long.  

I loved her, but I can’t say I see the rest of my life with this girl. 

TL;DR

What are your all’s thoughts about how I should go about this break up? I graduate next month and join the workforce, and most likely won’t be seeing her at all anymore.

Any thoughts, criticisms, feedback is welcome. I’m not happy in the relationship and want to leave. I do acknowledge however that what she is going through in her mind daily is much worse than my unhappiness.