CW: self harm, suicidal ideation, eating disorder, domestic abuse, alcohol and substance abuse

&amp;#x200B;

Hey y'all, i've never really used Reddit before and as such am not really sure what i'm looking for by writing this. But I was complaining to a friend that the every two week therapy appointment just wasn't enough and I didn't want to keep bringing things up to friends and family and dragging them down and they suggested trying this place out so here I am. Feel free to post whatever: positive messages, thoughts, suggestions, or even nothing at all.

In an effort to keep this post from being too long the only background i'm gonna put out is that I have BPD, GAD, and anorexia, and I lost my insurance, and therefore my medication, last fall. My light at the end of the tunnel is I *should* be getting it back soon-ish but i'm not sure when exactly. And now for what is -currently- going on.

So my life has been slowly but steadily getting harder to manage with more and more unhealthy coping habits showing up as the months have worn on. At this point my self harm has taken a number of different forms: I'm cutting multiple times a week, i'm not allowing myself to eat more than just enough to sustain, i've gotten back with an old boyfriend and welcome when he hurts me and take it as validation when he rubs my exposed bones, and while I can still usually hold off on drinking and substances I have been giving in more regularly lately. Even on medication I have passive suicidal thoughts so without them it's pretty much constant. 

And don't forget about the mania! I've blown through my savings without meaning too, hating myself every time I realized I bought something else I didn't need. Or how about the anger, where I in the past week alone have gotten physically violent twice but because I would never hurt a fly I take it out on myself?

You would think by reading this that I'm new to these issues and don't have healthy coping mechanisms, but in reality I have dealt with them for years and know a lot (and use them!). The problem is just that I have been trying to live a normal life for my work and my son for so many months at this point without medication that I just flat out don't have the willpower anymore and those healthy mechanisms are becoming harder and harder to accomplish.

so yea, that's that I guess. It's funny how I can sit down and be self-aware and write all this out but   
 I can't seem to do anything about it... This was incredibly anxiety inducing to write by the way. I'm actually surprised I finished it and I truly hope I didn't do anything wrong by posting this, I tried to make sure to classify it properly.

Y'all be good