 

A TLDR is at the bottom.

First  of all, let me start by saying THANK YOU to everybody who does have  BPD. I don't know what exactly I'm thanking you for, but in my personal  experience as a FP, my whole life was shifted for the better after going  through what we've been through.

I  won't list EVERY symptom my lover/partner/person has, because like many  of you, she suffers from a LOT. Her mother set in some pretty huge  abandonment problems, awful criticisms, general lack of attention, and  was the of course, extra narcissistic. Her father was not this way, but  spent a lot of time in the military and wasn't home enough to correct  it. This went on until she moved out at 18, and continues to this day.  Her mother won't even sit on our furniture, for whatever fucking reason.  Now days her younger sister (17) is the golden child, all A's, gets  everything she ever wanted, is a huge success to her mother, etc etc  etc. Does NO wrong, voted most likely to succeed, and her mother acts  like my partner got this same attention. Her mother and sister are huge  triggers for her.

We  have been together 7 years. For the first few, neither of us knew (she  not enough, me none at all) about the disorder she had. I myself have  had severe OCD since around the age of 4, coupled with obvious anxiety  and depression as all mental disorders usually are. Together we created  one HELL of a fucking storm. Just imagine, someone with OCD trying to  control their and their partners every movement, trying to live  vicariously through them, criticizing, having huge insecurities, not  understanding anything about how this affects a person with BPD, and  literally a hundred more stories if you want to hear. The tea was hot  and muddy.

As  time went on, I got therapy and medication for myself, only within the  past two years mind you, which did help some. I started really  listening, researching, feeling what she felt. Actually by year 3 I had  absolutely adopted BPD tendencies, things I'd do naturally because  honestly from my perspective looking in on BPD, it looked like a  strategy of coping that would be the most manipulative and give me what I  want, which in retrospect was never something I or my wife should have  accepted as normal behavior, but we are well past those days now.  Basically I would copy her behaviors and she some of mine, and we'd go  in circles, on and off for years.

Finally  though, I am educated completely on BPD. My wife decided to get a  little help. I know, and she knows, that BPD is a rough disorder and  could be around forever, potentially never being cured, as it is so very  hard to get that special thing you didn't get at the correct  developmental age. Kudos to anybody who is mostly living their life  symptom free now though!

I  have learned to be extremely conscious of everything. My tone, my  facial movements, my body language, anything that could make her feel  anything negative that I'm not even meaning to give off. I do this with  all people now, BPD or not. I try to be highly sensitive because it is  honestly just a better way to be, calmer, patient, intuitively tuning in  to every little thing.

My  partner/person/lover and I never fight now, and if we have a spat,  usually I know to clear it up and communicate properly and clearly that I  am not mad, and to really mean it too, not just pretend. I've learned  to let everything go because none of it really matters. This helps her  tremendously deal with other people in life who don't like to let things  go, she can see that it's THEIR problem, not hers. I am reassuring in  my tone that I do NOT hate her, and that our fight is petty in  comparison to my love for her.

We  are both morally very loyal people, and their is no sway in our love.  Nothing at all about her BPD (and I can vouch that it's a rather extreme  case) makes me want to leave her. If anything I only love her more  because of her struggle.

I  help her believe in herself, and she has been looking in the mirror  lately at her own face, which she previously couldn't do. She also is  becoming okay with the thought that she has no idea who she is. The fact  that I am accepting of her behaviors, whether they are on a bad day or a  year uphill without any relapse, gives her confidence to be herself  more often without the fear of every little thing she does "ruining"  everything in the moment for her.  She is learning to love herself, very  slowly but surely.

And  if she never learns? Okay. She is still the strongest woman I've ever  met. She still faced her demons. She's still miles from where she  started. I'll still be here loving her the same and continuing to remind  her all the reasons she deserves to love herself, have her own back,  and not be afraid of her disorder, not to let it define her, not to get  caught up and forget that she's an awesome HUMAN BEING above ANY mental  disorder.

Thanks  for reading, and again, I don't know why exactly, but thank you. I have  learned of your struggles and I have the ultimate respect for them. I  know this isn't one of those things that is super duper likely to get  better. I love her so much regardless of this perspective she has,  whether she fully recovers or struggles a little here and there, we are  there for each other. We never judge. We are always patient with each  other now. We listen to each other. We hear each other. I'm so glad I  could learn about BPD so I can approach it with an educated, patient  response. I hope this inspires, helps, or makes somebody's day at least.

**tldr**;  My partner and I fought forever without understanding her BPD, one day  it clicked and now we completely understand each other, more importantly  we both understand BPD, it's symptoms, and what to expect from it, and  are healthily headed towards an open minded future with no expectations  of how reality SHOULD be, loving each other unconditionally.