Bad is an understatement. This was before I was diagnosed— actually, the treatment was what led to the initial diagnosis of bipolar, as the first session made me incredibly manic. Before that I had an unclear mood disorder and strange disorganized behavior, but primarily depression; and a history of psychosis I didn’t know was psychosis, with many prodromal symptoms before that. And the beginnings of catatonia. None of this was really delved into at all before I had the treatments, which I hardly remember and my parents have to recount this stuff to me. 

I had severe memory loss. I’m talking significant, life-altering memory loss— not just autobiographical, but of almost everything I’d learned about my passions and interests, and sharing that with people was what made me who I am. I’ve only recently begun to feel confident in what I know and who I am; it’s taken 7 years to recover from the trauma.

What was more significant than the amnesia and lasting short-term memory deficits was the dramatic worsening of my negative and cognitive symptoms, which have only somewhat improved due to my own experimentation and research, but continue to deteriorate with the illness. I suppose I’m lucky in a way, because the intensity of my mania and psychosis was also permanently diminished— but with that, so is my very sense of humanness, the full spectrum of who I am. 

For years I could barely speak or hold conversations. My mind felt completely empty most of the time, and while I could hold text conversations, when I met up with people I was just blank. I went from super talkative and articulate and able to make anyone laugh to just feeling like something was so wrong, so different. They had killed something in me, and I didn’t understand why it had such a profound impact on me when every medical professional was telling me this wasn’t possible.

I had around 25 sessions over the course of 5 months, half bilateral stimulation, and I had just turned 19. I was very young and could hardly even describe my experience, and they took it from me. The doctor who presided over my “treatments” was incredibly coercive and negligent. 

This is a pain that will never go away, and I live with the consequences every day, along with the natural progression of the illness. Before the ECT I got dressed most days and did quick makeup even while symptomatic— after treatments ended I could hardly brush my teeth or comb my hair. And no one really believed me. 

I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experience, and just to share my story as a cautionary tale. As I understand, schizophrenia is a disease of brain dysconnectivity, and the symptoms emerge from aberrant plasticity and degradation of neural networks. So now it makes perfect sense to me why the procedure destroyed me; it was always sort of a mystery. But it makes it even sadder, because the medical negligence is so deep. 

Thanks for reading if you did. I could talk about the effects it had on my life for days. Took me years to relearn the map of my hometown, etc.