Hej. I am fresh out of stationary therapy. Why? My BF broke up due to my mental illness and I can't handle it.  
We got together one year ago and everything seems perfect. He was the one. I saw not a single inperfection, I thought to myself he is too good to be true. So we went on. I had the best time in my Life. Yes, I had hard times in that year but he was always with me and supported me perfectly. He insisted to let him know how I am mentally. So did I. About three weeks ago he broke up. Telling me he can't love me if I can't even love myself. I learned to love on one hand myself and on the other hand him even more.   
I saw he was caught up in thoughts like I used to. I asked him what he was worried about. It took me the whole day until I found out. He couldn't take it anymore to see me with my mental issues. It broke him inside. He never told me before and broke up as result. I wanted to keep it up and make it together but he refused.  
My suicidality came back. I couldn't bare it. I called my collegue and he came to get me in therapy. Way better than killing myself, I told him. He noded and started crying harder.   


Here I am. After nearly three weeks in therapy nothing changed. I still don't get it. I am more stable than I was. Yet I am still overwhelmed by thoughts and how we could have saved our relationship. I know he isn't in best mental health due to me anymore. I wanna help him in order to help myself. I still love him even tho he made it that way.  
He doesn't want help. He said he doesn't wanna get back together and needs distance to heal. All of his friends *(him including)* cut off contact with me.   


I am here to reach out for **thoughts** and **suggestions** to keep on living.