Hi. Im Stephanie. Friends call me Steve. Im female, bisexual and just turned 41. 

A year ago, i was diagnosed with severe Borderline Personality Disorder with Narcissistic traits. Pretty much the worst  human being, besides a full blown Narc.


I am in a hetero relationship, and staying in it or leaving is what im looking for opinions on. TL;DR at the bottom.


The long short backstory:

I have every charactoristic of a BPD/Narc. Im witty, charming, funny, illusions of caring, way above average appearance. Ive always been able to get exactly what i want in life because of my looks and my personality is magnetic to men and women.


Unfortunately, i learned at a very young age, it is very easy for me to manipulate people for what i want. I prey on people i can do this to. Its not just the weak, i can use my looks and charm to manipulate anyone, anywhere, any walk of life.


But i also use it just for fun. I have had countless relationships and i have hurt every single one of those people. Some very badly. I have had random sexual fun with close to 250 people. All of which where just people to satisfy my needs because of this disorder. I constantly need to be validated and using people in the way i happen to need them at the moment has been a lifelong, very satisfying and enjoyable game.


Basically i have floated through life because of my looks and personality. As i said i can get anything i want. Ive only worked a few years of my whole life. The rest, i have used other people to provide for me. Family, friends, lovers and strangers, it doesnt matter who.


This relationship im in is no different. I got into it. Started manipulating. Molding him into exactly what i want. Something different though, i actually have slight feelings for this person. Hes good looking. Not by social standards, he doesnt turn heads, hes never gotten female attention. Hes 44. Crippling anxiety due to his past. Hes never been able to have sex or a normal relationship.


Him and i were in a relationship when we 'met' through a mutual love of all things horror, online. His was very dysfunctional almost to an extreme. And mine was one  that i was done with and bored.


We left our ex's, got together and i moved to his country (u.s). I had an inheritance that i used to fund our first couple years. Yes, i did actually like him and was attracted to him. Honestly thought this one, to be 'the one' this time.

But my disorder had other plans. I started manipulating him, changing him into what i wanted. If anyone reading this has been in that type of relationship, they know its a very painful process. Its full of abuse, gaslighting, building people up with the intention of tearing them down. Making them question reality at times.


So, for close to 4 years ive been doing this to him. He is exactly what i would actually want for a relationship. However, now im bored and much less attracted to him. When i expose such weakness in people, witness the crying and begging over and over again, i lose interest and start the process of moving on.


But this time, theres feelings i have for him, i think. I have a small part of me, that is having trouble walking away this time. He is and will be for life, completely and utterly devoted to me. Its a huge long story why i know this so i wont go into it, but i am absolutely certain be would always be exactly what i keep manipulating and changing people into. Basically the perfect spouse/lifetime partner. Theres SO many other details, wish i could explain them all. Basically what i have done is turn a very undesireable person (to the rest of the world) into someone i want him to be. And i kind of like him.


But im also very bored. I want and need people to fall at my feet. To fawn over me. Not just a boyfriend. Everyone! I need to manipulate people, i need to hurt people. In some demented way, i enjoy it.


So now my problem. Im getting older. My personality and looks are stil there, but i cant do this forever, or maybe i can, i dont know. I know if i leave him, ill just keep repeating my pattern. Using people until the next relationship, rip them apart, become bored and move on. But even that gets boring. 



Do i address my problem, possibly seek help and give myself to this guy? Recovering will be very hard and imo almost impossible. He knows a lot about me, but hasnt put anything together yet, he believes all my lies. He doesnt know about my diagnosis, ive thrown around the Borderline and Narc words to guage his response. Im positive telling him all this wont change his love or view of me (reasons why i know this).



So what do i do? Leave him and continue what ive always done or finally, actually, be open and honest with someone and try to get this cruel way of treating people under control? There are a lot of other details. If theres something youd like to know, ask.



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TL;DR

BPD and Narcisstic all my life. Using and manipulating people until i get bored, destroy them and move on. But this time, at age 41, ive caught feels, and not sure if i should stay with him.