Hello /bpd. I’ve been diagnosed for going on three years now. I have a boyfriend and our relationship is...chaotic. I also have a favourite person who is not my boyfriend.

You see, me and my boyfriend have been together for five years, and we’ve been struggling to be intimate for quite some time (which happens in all my romantic relationships). Like...a really long time guys. I feel very bad for him. We’ve of course been drifting apart because of this, it always leads to fights. I think apart of the reason I always end up feeling this way is because I feel misunderstood, unheard, and insecure.

Then I met my FP...  She really understands me. She listens to me. She says the most amazing things to me. I almost immediately fall for her of course. But at the same time I have a boyfriend who has been through so much shit with me and has lived through a lot of my craziness. It’s so hard and conflicting. 

Me and my FP we’re doing well for a time. She ended up seeing a guy which I got really jealous of but managed to be supportive because I almost never seen him. Then they went though a rocky time and she really relied on me for support through it. I was happy to help but it obviously hurt so much. But I wanted her to be happy. I tried to give her advice about it but they eventually ended it. I became nervous because I was gradually accepting the relationship. 

Then, I had a get together at my house. We were supposed to go to a low energy/chill spot to play pool and hang out together. Me, my two roommates, and my FP were going. We did a little pre drinking at the house before we went. Well we all got a little too drunk at the house and we were all a mess when we went out. When I got back I was feeling angsty I guess (because bpd and liquor do not mix huh), but my FP stayed by my side and cuddled with me until I felt better. I made her watch this stupid cartoon on Netflix. Then I went to bed. The next morning my boyfriend was upset at me. I was panicked for what I did wrong. But...it was because apparently after I went to bed she went right upstairs and hooked up with one of our roommates/friends. I was so fucking heart broken. 

I know they’re allowed to do what they want but it hurts so fucking bad. I’m not happy where I’m at right now and she made me feel so less alone.  I just can’t help but  resenting them both.  They keep seeing each other even though they keep telling me they care about how I feel and she keeps saying she won’t see him if I don’t want her to (which I told her to stop asking because it’s unhealthy). 

He went out tonight to see her which really triggered me. I just feel so replaced and abandoned. I feel liked I’m going to lose everyone over this. I just really need to  vent. I know I sound like such a shitty person.