9 months ago a girl I was hooking up with stopped talking to me due to distance and general loss of interest.

This has sent me into an awful, self-induced downward spiral since then that has completely fucked me up mentally, first in the form of denial and depression, and then I believe I did try bargaining with her, going through the phases of grief without even realizing it.

Now I must be in the phase of anger and frustration, because I have been torqued up with an extreme bitterness and anger towards everyone and everything in the world, especially dating and getting involved with people in romantic and intimate relationships.

Then, after finishing a work shift just a twenty minutes ago, I found myself asking myself what the fuck am I even doing?? Why do I want a girlfriend to begin with? Do I even enjoy dating? Do I even enjoy sex? Do I actually like meeting people for the possibility of a relationship? It seems like I only get frustrated and pissed off at the prospects and even now I have so much disdain towards couples and the idea of a new person becoming interested in me and wanting to get closer to me. Am I only doing it because this other girl is dating someone new? Am I only doing it because I'm looking for someone to take this other girl off my mind?

And then I go even further, why did I move into the apartment I decided to move into? What was even the point behind where I decided to move to, and the location I chose? Why the fuck did I even go to college? I don't like what I graduated with, I hated college and hid in my room for a large portion of it. I did all of this shit because other people influenced me to, I don't believe I actually even care about any of these things.

The only reason I work my shit job I'm doing now is because I needed income to pay for the shitty bills I've hooked onto myself from choosing the path I've chosen. I pay auto insurance bills because I believe I need a car. I pay rent because I've chosen to live in an apartment in an area I don't enjoy. I pay off debts for my school loans for a shitty degree I have absolutely no interest or knowledge of even. Why the fuck did I do any of these things?

Why do I like my hobbies I choose to attach myself and identify myself by? Why do I play musical instruments? Do I even like music? Is it all just things I choose to occupy my boring, slowly ticking life away with? 

Lastly, why do I even stay alive? I realize if it weren't for keeping everyone else in my life appeased and not make them deeply saddened by my suicide, I wouldn't be happy living my life at all in the first place. I realize I put so much weight onto this girl, now that that's ended I realize how empty, boring, and meaningless my life is to begin with. I'm angry and jealous that this person actually has vitality for life, it's probably why she dumped me in the first place.

I don't know what else to say, I'm probably just going to go back to my boring life and continue the humdrum of filling my life with things that don't actually mean jack shit to me just to pass away the time. Good bye.