I just need to rant to get it out of my head because I'm spiralling. I'm 21 F and been diagnosed with BPD for close to an year after being diagnosed with Panic Attack Disorder and Anxiety. I have such fits of rage, it's not even me talking half the time, it feels like someone else takes control and just speaks on my behalf while i take a backseat and just watch. Im not even an 'angry person' whatever tf that means, I just lose it sometimes and 'she' ends up speaking on my behalf. I've always felt like kind of a pushover when i was younger, and I'd let people walk over me and now i feel complete blind rage when i feel like someone's doing that to me, i can't let anyone get away with this.

I feel like someone this insane and unstable shouldn't be in a relationship. I love my boyfriend but i want to get away and just shrink inside myself. I'm completely incapable of being out in public, I end up crying for hours and just shaking in sadness or rage or self hate or whatever emotion it is that's possessing my body at that very moment. I tell myself i don't really care but I'm failing three subjects after being a straight A student for all of high school and two years of college, i don't know what's happening anymore or how i got stuck in this wretched hole after being a girl with 'such a promising future' for so long. 

I broke off a very close friendship, and lost several others because i just couldn't be a normal person who knew how to deal with conflicts. I end up losing it at my emotionally absent mother and emotionally present but controlling father. Im 21 and can't leave the house without informing everyone, it's like i never grew up as an adult. Why won't people just treat me like a normal adult. I had a dream a few acquaintances were jeering for me, they were telling me I could make it big and i believed it because everyone around me believed it and i woke up and realised I'm a mentally ill person who's on the verge of flunking college just because of one year of being so fucking mentally ill i couldn't write a single word sometimes. 

I have a therapist and an awesome psychiatrist who are helping me through things, but i fundamentally just can't exist being the kind of person that i currently am, a marionette puppet to every single emotion i face. I had a psychotic episode a few months ago due to a bad interaction with my medicines and these psychedelics i was taking got the first time, and i felt reality disintegrate right in front of me. I feel like I'm slowly detaching myself from reality every single day and spiralling further into insanity. I feel they need to let me stop existing in society and lock me up where people like this really belong. Thank you for listening if you listened.