It took me 26 years to understand it.

I was raised by a narcissist dad who always made me feel like an inconvenience, a burden.
&gt; I have an irrational fear of bothering people. I always make myself as small and discreet as possible. I hate being tjr center of attention, I don’t even want to be looked at.

Every time he talked to me, it was to point out something negative about me. He’s always done everything possible to make me maintain a low self esteem. Whenever I was showing him something I was proud of, he would shut my enthusiasm down and make me feel like I shouldn’t feel proud of it, or he would openly show like he’s not impressed at all. Nothing was ever good enough. 
&gt; My self esteem could hardly be lower. I have no ambition, no faith in myself. I belittle everything I do. 

He was never affectionate and would reject me whenever I was trying to make an effort and take the initiative to hug him or something.
&gt; I have a complicated relationship with affection. I don’t feel at ease with it, whether it’s receiving or giving it. It’s like I’m haunted by the image of my dad rejecting mine. In a way I still feel like affection coming from me isn’t wanted, and having someone giving me any makes me feel awkward, even though I’m craving it.

I’ve never experienced unconditional love from him. I had to deserve his rare words of appreciation towards me.
&gt; I’m a people pleaser. I spend my life doing things for people, no matter how much it can sometimes make my life more difficult. I do like being kind to people, but it makes of me an actual doormat most of the time. 

His narcissism made that the entire world was revolving around him. My feelings and needs wee never acknowledged and seen as important.
&gt; I keep everything to myself and have the hardest time opening up to people. I don’t let people know how I feel, what I think, not even the things I like... It’s like I don’t want to bother people with my thoughts and waste their time.

*Sigh*

Probably not interesting but I felt like writing that down.