(21 trans male)

*Long rant warning*

I think i hit a dead end in my life.

i've been first diagnosed with depression and antisocial disorder back in 2013 which resulted from kids bullying me at school because i had no parents and came from a lower class family. I tried to kill myself 3 times but always somehow survived, sometimes i make jokes about it saying that might be immortal lol 

Couple years ago i got my first car that i inherited from my mother after she died and instantly fell in love with cars and driving. After a couple months i got into a severe accident which resulted in me breaking my neck and the car being totaled. I was devastated and on the verge of killing myself again but i somehow got through it . I saved up for another car only for it to end like the first one but this time without injuries but i didn't have enough money to repair it so it went to scrapyard. This is where my problems with drinking began, i was never a heavy drinker, a bottle always lasted me few days to a week but it just became a part of my routine for more than a year, then i somehow managed to quit mostly because of money issues. 

I'm currently in my last year of high school but i probably won't be able to graduate because my grades are beyond bad and i don't have time to fix them.
It was mostly because i spent half of the year sick after getting diagnosed with some potentially cancerous tumors in my lungs( my mother died from cancer so its no wonder) and the other half working so i can live somewhat decently. 

I don't really care about school because i can make decent money if i work at my job full time, but literally everyone around me thinks that i'm dumb. Which i am actually not, i have a lot of extensive knowledge about many topics including cars, airplanes,mechanical engineering, astronomy etc. 

I don't really care what they think but i just hate that everyone treats me like i'm something less.

The only thing that made me happy for the last year was that i had some forgotten bitcoins that were now worth around $20k so i bought myself a nice car and some other stuff.  I mean i love it, i love to look at it, i love to ride it but i just still feel a bit empty.

I mean it's not like i want to die, but i kinda dont wanna live either.
I still have big plans for the future, i would like to become a pilot one day because of my lifelong love for planes and all things flying, but again: money. Its all hella expensive and i don't think that i will ever achieve it.

I feel like the only thing that brings me at least a bit of joy is cars, fast driving, flying, and parachute jumping. But again, gas is expensive, and don't even get me started on flying. But i just love the feeling when u go blasting 150mph into a turn and u either make it or end up in a tree. I cant help it but it's literally the only thing that makes me feel alive

I've seen a few different therapists and gone through more kinds of antidepressants than i can remember but nothing has really helped so far.


I mean im 21 so i stil technically have my whole life in front of me bit i just feel so tired of living like this. I don't have any motivation to do things besides money and thrills. I just feel like i have no purpose in this world. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Any advice is appreciated.