Hi, I really don't know how to start this. I guess I just gotta write, right? God, I don't even know what to write. I have all these feelings but when I try to communicate them they just disappear. Whenever I do try to communicate them, it feels like I'm trying to manipulate people, which I'm not. Or when I somehow find the right words and say them they feel fake, like I'm not actually feeling those emotions. My dad used to get so pissed when I was a kid, maybe 6, I can't remember that well, brain blocked out most things I guess, but I do remember this. Whenever I tired to talk about how I felt when i was a kid it was meant with "that's not what your feeling" something along those lines, then I would be hit. I got confused, or I am confused. Am I actually feeling these emotions? 23 years old and I'm confused by "basic" emotions. I know emotions are complex it's just, I don't even know if I'm stressed, what does stress feel like?  What does happiness feel like? Am I actually depressed or am I just making it up? How do I know what I'm feeling is real or fake? Am I actually feeling these emotions? I honestly don't know what to do. According to everyone in my life I'm "emotionally intelligent." Or I'm an intelligent person. I don't believe that one bit. How can I be when I can't even tell if I'm happy? How is an "emotionally intelligent" person not know their own emotions. People in my life say I give great advice but why can't I do that with myself? Does that sound like an intelligent person, I don't think so. I know I should be outside getting the sun, that beautiful vitamin D or whatever it is. I know I should be eating healthier, I know my living space is a direct reflection of my mental state, keeping my living space clean will help me mentally. Do I really want to get better? If I did want to get better I would just do it  right? I wouldn't be talking about it I would just do it. I'm so tired, ever since I was a kid. I feel stupid writing this. I'm not looking for attention or anything like that, I don't even expect people to read this. I'm just sending this into the void that is the internet. Lmfao both my parents didn't want me, they told me to my face. I was a mistake, that I destroyed my mothers body. That I was the reason why my dad couldn't follow his dream. Both my parents hate each other, can't even be in the same room with each other. Shit I can't even be in the same room with them anymore, I can't even look at them anymore. I feel guilty, my dad was the one who raised me. He did sacrifice alot for my sister's and I, I'm not gonna sit here and not acknowledge what he did for us. It's just that, idk. I don't even know lol. Did writing this out help me? It's supposed too, I guess it did a little, or maybe it didn't. I think it did.  GOD, I just want to be invisible. Can I keep posting on here, like multiple posts on different days? I probably can lol this post felt like it was everywhere. Sorry for the long post, and if you made it this far, thank you. Again, I'm not looking for attention, or maybe I am hahahaha I don't even know. Thanks again. Theres alot more I want to talk about but I guess my thoughts aren't organized, therapy would probably be good for me but, I'm scared to go. Would if I'm this terrible person who shouldn't even be allowed to live? Is that technically called catastrophizing. Welp I tired to end this 3 times now but I keep going, for real this time, again thanks for reading if you got this far.