I’m a thirty year old male and I’ve had mental health problems my entire life. I had OCD and depression since I was three or four; this went untreated until adulthood. When I was 21 I developed bipolar disorder (bipolar 2). I also have severe social anxiety and panic attacks. I didn’t get diagnosed and treated until I was 24. 

I have a lot of symptoms with my issues. The one that is most frustrating to deal with is my issues with hearing. I had audio hallucinations and I can also interpret other sounds like voices, for instance the constant noise like a shower can sound like people arguing. 

Before I was medicated I would hear voices talking about me and insulting me almost all day. I heard it constantly while in the public, but through the walls at home. Because I was distressed and looked scared I was also targeted by the public where I would be insulted constantly where ever I went. Random people would say things any and everywhere I went. The problem is it was almost never in my face, it was always in passing so it blended in with my voices in my head. This ruined my life as I was not able to have any hobbies, work very long, or have anything to do with the public, let alone trust anybody. I’ve stayed to myself for the most part for the last nine years.

I know I heard voices and people also insulted me constantly and I found it extremely confusing. The most confusing thing is that people would act normal as if nothing happened. I couldn’t hold a job for more than a few months because I would be insulted by customers and coworkers sometimes blatantly. There were a handful of times I confronted people but vast majority of the time I pretended like nothing happened. At first I was furious and it took a lot to hold back rage. After a while I stopped getting angry when insulted and any time I do I became good at repressing those emotions. I told myself, “ I had to not respond to anything I hear in order to work and be in public”, I also didn’t want to go to jail for an altercation and make my life even worse. Besides, I knew mentally ill people who were constantly into it with everyone around them and basically homeless and I didn’t want to end up like them. I also never told anyone but my mom and mental health professionals about my mental illness because I don’t trust anyone else with that information. 

There were times that I very clearly heard people insult me to my face and I still ignored it as if nothing happened, I will even remain nice to people after insulting me. I think I have an intense need to be normal and accepted by people that I am willing to live with them mistreating me. I am also afraid of confronting someone and getting it wrong. One time I yelled at a manager because I thought he said something about me but he was actually joking with a coworker. After that I was so embarrassed I quit. I am also afraid of making a scene so when I’ve confronted people it was always when they were alone just in case they didn’t say it so I didn’t look crazy. 

Now, after years of being medicated, have a stable-ish job, and liking my role I am having a similar problem. I hear people insulting me everywhere I go not as bad as before but still enough. The problem is I hear things when people are around and sometimes when they aren’t. I think I’ve heard my manager insult me twice and a supervisor insult me as well and it upset me enough that I thought I was going to have to go to jail. I’ve thought about how dumb that would be, so I’m going to stick with words. I do want to keep my job and I am transferring to nights so I can go to college during the day so I might not even work with these people anymore, which may not necessarily solve my problem, but it’s a plus. However, I feel like an idiot because of the amount of trauma I put myself through. I could have stood up for myself and gained self esteem, but instead I allowed people to abuse me.