tw: drug use, sexual assault, body image issues 

this past year i was in a state of serious self destructive behaviors. a series of events really set off this seemingly never ending march of extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms; after being sexually assaulted i was hyper sexual and engaged in risky sex with literally anyone, invited strangers into my home, and went on trips for days without telling friends or family. when i started to feel deeply ashamed of that behavior, but still eager to participate for some reason, i found myself repulsed by sex and my body. i have always been conventionally attractive, i definitely fit the stereotype of the hot/crazy bpd and it would make my skin crawl when people would innocently comment on my appearance. i showered less, my hair was so matted i basically had dreads at some points. 

so i started doing meth so i could have sex again. and this started towards the end of last year but really picked up in spring ‘22. my entire life became about lying to people in my life about my whereabouts and who i was with. having sex (essentially in exchange for drugs, but not officially- or at least that’s what i would tell myself), getting high, staying up for days and occasionally making it in to work or school. eventually i dropped out of school because i couldn’t focus long enough to study or meet deadlines.  the whole time i knew i was just fucking up. there was a guy i glued myself too because i liked the attention he showed me, i liked how carefree he seemed and i was convinced that he was the nicest person that had ever liked me. and for months i just let him walk all over me; he threatened to stop talking to me so many times and i spent entire work days sobbing in the break room (and getting high) over it only for him to apologize later. i would never stand up to him. i let him drive my car a whole bunch, borrow money, stay at my place just all sorts of shit in an effort to be good enough for this person who i deemed incredibly perfect. 

however! i just spent a month in treatment. it was my first time in any kind of treatment facility and so maybe this is why i received everything so well but guys…

so many people there struggle with the same crippling fears as us even if they’re not diagnosed. so many people discussed this inability to be genuine, the fear of a deep wrongness inside of them, the fear of being alone, the misguided self sacrificing that comes with it. i gained a totally different understanding of myself and a deeper empathy for myself than i’d ever had before.