For a long time I knew something was wrong with me. When I was a child I was diagnosed with ADHD and I know that's nothing unusual but I am someone who absolutely to this day as a 21 year old suffer with. My entire life I never had friends, I don't exaggerate when I saw the amount of times I've hung out with guys I considered friends is probably maybe between 10-20 times. And never by choice, no one ever asked me to hang out I always had to initiate. And my entire life I have dealt with the constant reminder that if I don't message people then I will never hear from them again. Never a friend group or ever been to a party or hung out somewhere with a group. I explained it in my own mind by reasoning that I was just very introverted. Since I was a kid all I really liked doing was staying inside and playing video games, and I blame that a lot for my social inability to make friends or really any meaningful relationship. 

I only found validation through pursuing girls. I was never close to my family and even now I would have no problem running away and never talking to anyone in my family again. Not that they were bad people but I don't feel bonded to them. Only reason I talk to my dad is cause he is pushing me for military. I don't even bother talking to my mom, she has schizophrenia and depression and many other things and she's no help with how unresponsive and unstable she is. So I only find love and purpose in dating girls. Ever since my first girlfriend my freshman year I have hungered for girls. Nothing else besides maybe video games interested me. Fuck school work or anything else that actually mattered I couldn't of cared less. I'm not stupid but there was never any motivation to do school work I barely passed high school and didn't even go to graduation. Girls were all that ever really made me happy. And most recently I had most meaningful relationship ever come to a end. Its a long story but she used me and left when she no longer needed me. And now I have realized how badly I depended on girls for love and support and how unable I am to even function a bare minimum on my own. I'm not saying these girls were helping much at all, I loved them truly but they were nothing more than escapism for me. 

Now to come forward to my current situation. I live with my aunt and uncle who are on their last leg with me and about to kick me out. Only reason I can still be here is because they believe I am joining the military. I quit the job I had in a logistics office impulsively after my ex dumped me blew all my money I had saved (about 5k) on a vacation with my only cousin I like when I went to visit him in Florida. Now I work a minimum wage job only to keep up on my car payments. I feel empty and purposeless. I couldn't even imagine getting my life together. I have always felt a dissociation and loneliness and emptiness ever since around the beginning of high school and its been constant. Let me say this is not a result of the break up. Even with her I struggled with the same thing, and long before her as well. I have dreams and aspirations but no way of reaching it. I don't try new things, all I do is wake up just in time for work if I don't just no call no show, work half assed, then go home and maybe play video games or just lay in bed and do nothing and repeat. Its been this way ever since I graduated high school. Going on year three of not having a friend or doing anything besides working and going home. I try to meet people on tinder or bumble but more and more the girls have seemed less and less interested and I think my desperation is so obvious and I am so empty and boring they notice it right away. I have no idea how to meet people otherwise. I get along with my workmates but they're all too young or too old or I am just already accepting of it being pointless. Because even when I do have girlfriends unless they take me somewhere I will just choose to sit in my room with them and do nothing. My time is running out to make a choice and I don't know what to do. I didn't want to believe I have depression and I'm just lazy but its so fucking obvious something is clearly wrong with me. I don't clean my room or take care of myself or do anything worthwhile or productive. I eat maybe once a day and that's my free meal at work. I can't get myself to do anything. It might be easy for you to say "well just do this, just get up and do it" but I CANT. I literally can not get myself to do anything. I feel so empty, not even sad just devoid of life. Only real emotions I feel strongly are love and anger. Not sadness, I don't cry I haven't cried in years. And I just don't know what to do anymore. My only escape was music and weed. But I stopped smoking months ago to be clean for military. 

My dad has been pushing me for military. He believes it could help me get my shit together. And honestly I either see that or just working minimum wage until I end my life. I'm amazed I haven't already, I have hurt myself and had thoughts for years but I guess I am just to scared. But I fear the military won't fix me that it might only make it worse. I can deal with shit and I watched a lot and researched a lot about the military. I could make the cut, I am physically able and in shape. I don't think I would hurt myself in basic. I'm not worried about getting in what I am worried about is the military not helping me feel any different about myself or giving me motivation that is not just cause I know I have to. I already am half way through the process with a recruiter. I have a job picked out as a Air Traffic Controller, I did amazing on the practice test all I have to do is score high enough which I know I will. But if I go to MEPS I know that I am locked in that choice. 

My only other choice is to run away to Florida to my cousin. When I go there I feel happy. I make friends and people like me. Only really when I do drugs and drink but still it feels like better than nothing. But I fear the feeling will persist, even when I am there I still get depressed. If I was there I would seek treatment and get medication. I don't seek medical help because of money and it would disqualify me from the military. I fear that after that it won't get better and maybe I was better off having a steady career in the military rather than maybe just maybe coasting by in Florida. I don't see myself going to college or finding a good career in Florida as fast as I could in the military. And that's under the assumption that medication will give the me motivation to do anything more than rot away. 

If you read all that I really appreciate you time and would appreciate your advice. I really really need it,  my life is on the line. And I know the military's a touchy subject for some people so please try to stay unbiased. I do see in some way how it could help but I just don't know if it would be smart giving my situation.