Hey friend,

I know you woke up yet again just not feeling happy. You can't really place your finger on why as there could be so many factors. But because you're up you feel like you might as well go on with the day.

You have prepared a to-do list to distract you from the fact you are crumbling inside, have suicidal idealization (if you are not already acting on it), and just feel lonely. If not, you are staying in bed all day and just want to feel numb to it all. Either way, socializing is out of the picture. 

Some days you just want someone to talk to, maybe besides your therapist, but you scroll endlessly through your phone and there is no one. Maybe you call a hotline to blow off steam, it helps temporarily. You may get close some days to tell a friend or family member you are on the verge of a complete breakdown but stop because the conversation is either about them (as usual) or the energy doesn't feel safe enough to pour out everything. You are the strong one so they wouldn't understand that you are putting on a front 24/7. You're probably having a breakdown already but mask it so well. You are not phony or a fake. You are just a human with people around you, you don't feel safe speaking about your emotional wellbeing. 

Some days are brighter than others. You put together an action plan and the future looks bright again. Other mornings you wake up and you just want to stay in bed all day, or simply die. Dying feels better than not finding a resolution to this pain that you have rationalized in every possible way. You've tried to apply logic to a trauma so far embedded in your mind, body, and soul, and it simply doesn't work that way. Therapy feels mostly redundant too. 

Do you accept that this past of yours happened and let go? or do you let it ruin your present and future? I know it is not so simple but a line must be drawn right? 

Also, your idea of happiness is what is keeping you stuck. Happiness doesn't mean the pain goes away but rather you accept it's happened, it was out of your control (because why would you want this pain or trauma ?!) and take the lessons learned and apply it to the future. Happiness is making sure what happened to you in the past never happens again. You now know what happened was a boundary crossed and to ensure your mental wellbeing is in tack you won't allow this to happen to you again. That is how you make yourself happy, because do you want to go through this again? No, friend. You deserve better. 

You can't rationalize the other person's behavior or actions. You can simply understand your own and make sure you have parameters in place to ensure this never happens again. Happiness is finding a new solution that keeps you safe from a past problem or trauma. Does that make sense?

So cry it out, hug your inner child and scream if you need to but if you only have 1 week left on earth, how much will you spend unhappy because of the past you can't change? Of course, if you could change or control the past you wouldn't be here so why not focus on the future and put the boundaries in place to make sure the past doesn't repeat itself? I am not saying you can't cry and be sad about this but you deserve better, beloved. 

I know it's easier said than done but you've got to keep on pushing. Give yourself time to cry but then draw the line. The past doesn't get to rob you of your future. Not anymore. Whether it is your fault or not, you're not your past. It is time to move on.

It is all up to you. Loneliness has shown you that you only have yourself. So if others have contributed to your depression and pain, will you do the same to yourself too? Will you not be your own friend and help yourself make a better future? No one is coming to save you, you know this at 2 am when you can't sleep or when you cry in bed. So help yourself. Be what others were not to you.

Don't commit suicide, don't do it. You have survived the worst days so I know you will be fine. It is time to be there for yourself. 

You've got this.