So I posted much earlier in the week when I just felt like I couldn't possibly feel much lower than I did at this moment.

I've since calmed down a TON (as always happens after an episode) and made some decisions about my life.

1. I'm not going to drop out of school, at least not yet.  I looked at my current grades with a fresh mind and made some discoveries.  One class had a major test this morning.  I don't feel confident about it, but I do believe I passed.  This can at least keep me afloat there for the next two months.  Another class I am behind a major lab report and am unable to make it up.  This will be okay as well, because if I can turn in the remainder of the work for the semester, I can still get a B, which is AWESOME!  The last class (Physics) I am behind two homework assignments, two lab reports, and did terrible on the first test.  This is going to be alright as well.  I spoke to my professor (first time I ever spoke to a professor asking for help with deadlines, and I'm a senior!) and he gave me a week extension on everything.  And since I have asked off work this weekend for personal reasons, I have  the time to work on everything.

2.  I've chosen a behavioral health group in my area to make an appointment with next week.  They have social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, and practically any service I think I'll need.  And if I have to withdraw from university after all (I can do it up til the last day of classes) then they will give me documentation so I don't lose out on my scholarships and financial aid.  I'm going to do my best to be open to a diagnosis of BPD (or anything else for that matter) and try not to be scared of it.

3. I've made an effort to take better care of myself so my symptoms won't be exacerbated as much.  I've enrolled in tutoring programs for two of my classes, so that will at least get me doing something other than lying in bed.  And maybe it will also help motivate me to stay with my schoolwork.  I've also finally made the medical appointments I've needed for the better part of a year (endocrinologist for diabetes, dentist, eye, womens health).  In the off chance there is something else physiological messing me up, I'd like to find it.

4.  My boyfriend and I have discussed the type of support I need from him to not make my episodes worse.  We are going to be doing counseling together at the center soon so that he can understand as well.  He's changed some minor things to make me more comfortable (telling me when he'll see me next instead of just saying "I'm leaving" and taking over cooking and grocery shopping) and in return I'm going to try and be more proactive about my life in general.


