 Hey guys, Im not even sure if this is the right subreddit so feel free to delete this. so its going to be a long rant to don’t read it if You don’t have time.

So, im in the lowest point in my life so far, I feel like ive wasting my entire life (25 years) on unhealthy habits, but I wanted to start from the beginning 

As far as I remember I had medicore life, I cant really complain,as a kid I always was a people pleaser, and “The funny kid” at school, or maybe more of a clown, I had average grades, not the best but not the worse, I was bad at sports so most kids ignored me(and I wasn’t fun to be around I guess)  had few friends in high school, ive had GF for like 2 months (Online relationship, we didn’t even meet up lol)  but most of my friends that vent at university got into relationship/life stuff and started to ignore/ghost me, Im not really good at meeting new people so I was lonely at uni and that’s where it started, ive got myself into bad eating habbits, mostly energy drinks and junk food, I started masturbating (out of boredom) and got addicted to porn and video games, I started to get used to being a failure. After 4 years ( I had to repeat a year because ive felt so bad I didn’t even feel like get up from the bed so I failed a year) and now after a year of good job that I got (corpo stuff) I got fired due to cuts and Im back at family home with my mother who have a disorders and im running around her in circles, without friends, job and perspective for improvement. I started hating my life and the only thing that keeps me going is the mindset \*I can kill myself whenever I want so I want to try stuff before I go out” but those moments of little happiness feels false and I feel like a fraud for being happy. but I grew more and more desperate. I feel like I don’t have a personality anymore, bitter and boring who cant say anything but to comment on anything I see and that’s it. Cant keep straight conversation with anyone, its just simple exchange of pleasantries from people who pity me but aren’t interested in any way. I just want to try anything to help but I feel ive already wasted my best years, my life and my future. So im writing this in hopes that someone have been in similar situation and got out or got any help.

And please, be honest with me if I messed up to the end, without sweet talk  
 Much appreciated