Tw: drug/alcohol addiction

I was diagnosed with general/social anxiety disorder when I was 12. I dropped out of school for a year because the panic attacks were so bad. It's like the second I am in proximity of people, I freeze. Somehow, I managed to find myself an amazing partner (6 years now) who I met online. I think that helped, cos it felt like he already knew everything about me when we eventually met. My home life had fallen apart, I come from an emotionally abusive household. I started college and turned to alcohol, which enabled me to feel normal and make my first group of friends. But it got to the point where I was drinking heavily, especially before meeting people. My mom found out and publicly shamed me in front of my family and relatives. I eventually dropped out of college too, managed a low level diploma but it felt worthless. The friend group I had made fell apart as I'd stopped drinking, and the social anxiety was taking over again. I didn't leave my bedroom, and to deal with the isolation/depression/anxiety/miserable home life, I started abusing opioids. 

Fast forward to 2 years ago, I couldn't take my home life anymore. I was deeply afraid of my oldest brother who constantly made threats, and this was during the height of the pandemic. My mom wouldn't allow me to leave the house, I'd been existing in my 6ft bedroom for 4 months at that point without going anywhere. She wouldn't allow me to have a job because my family were all on benefits, and she said if I started working they would all suffer financially for it. So I made the decision to move in with my boyfriend and his family and get away from this life.

I haven't touched alcohol or anything else in a long time. But I'm not happy, and I don't feel proud of myself. I miss feeling like I'm on top of the world, being able to talk to people and laugh. I absolutely love my relationship, but I am still incredibly anxious. Every single day, I wake up with my stomach in knots, I spend half the morning on the toilet cos I can't calm my stomach down. I feel like I'm going to be sick most of the time. I spend all day trying to find things to do to pass the time, not actually enjoying anything. I want so badly to connect with people, but I am so deathly afraid.

I don't know how to envision a future for myself like this, because I have always been this way. When I was a kid, doctors told me I was just shy and that it would get easier when I got older. But it hasn't. It just seems to get worse, and no one knows how to help me. And I have to accept that, because it's my burden to carry after all. I just hope that one day, I won't be this broken and I'll figure out my path in life.

Just a rant/vent I guess. Maybe someone out there can understand me. Thanks for reading.