 

Theres often a stereotype of borderlines in society and the media. Abusive, violent, manipulative, extremely volatile. Of course, this isnt even remotely universal, but thats not to say it doesnt exist. As much as fighting negative stereotypes is incredibly important, denying their existence as a whole is dangerous. It both invalidates, and gives those who fit that description a way to excuse and deny their actions and responsibility. I say this, because I was that stereotype. Imma go ahead and be honest, I was a fucking nightmare. If I met 15 year old me I'd have to cut her off her my own mental health, lol. 

I had people walking on eggshells. When I was angry (which was often) I yelled, screamed, hit people, threw and broke things. When I wasn’t explosively angry, I could be passive aggressive, manipulative and hurtful as fuck, often on purpose. Half the time I hurt myself it was to get back at people for pissing me off or hurting me, things I perceived as attacks. I wasnt just toxic, sometimes I was downright abusive. Just because I wasnt consciously doing it, or was aware of the effects of my actions, does not mean I did not cause serious harm. Ignorance may absolve me of malice, but it does not absolve me of guilt. And that took me years to accept. 

I say this as to say, you don’t have to give up and be this person. Facing yourself, confronting the person you’ve become, is fucking hard. I wont sugar coat it, its uncomfortable and terrifying at times. But I will say, owning up to I was, making amends to those I hurt and traumatized was a fuck lot easier than living with that nagging voice that always reminded me of how bad I was, that not telling people didnt mean it didnt happen. Cliche as fuck, but it wasnt the owning up that hurt, it was the resistance to it. The relief after you admit, after you properly apologize is like the weight of the world off your shoulders. 

And on the topic of apologizing, don’t do it if you arent sorry and expect forgiveness or an apology. People you hurt don’t owe you anything. Their feelings are their right. But knowing you gave someone closure you know you’ll never get is utterly underrated. 

Basically, I say all this to be a walking example that you don’t have to be that way forever. You can put in the work to change. Its a lot of work, a lot of tough work, but its worth it. DBT, ACT, and just generally beginning to value myself outside of others opinions of me is what got me there, personally. Facing yourself is hard, but if you dont address those parts of you, you will always be that way. The only way out is through it. But you can get better, you can reclaim your life, become a better person. You deserve it. If you really feel like you dont, I think of it as, “Even if I feel I dont deserve recovery and peace, if I dont work for it I will continue to hurt and hurt people.” 

Another important part is surrounding yourself with good, positive people. Nothing makes me relapse into old manipulation habits and shitty views/actions like other toxic people. I'm not a different person now, I've just grown. None of that, "i was a different person then!". I'm the same person, post years of therapy. And part of that means avoiding people that bring out those negative hobbies and actions I have worked so hard to move past and quit. No person's friendship is worth going back to that place, at least for me. as fun as toxic people can be, its like a sober alcoholic hanging out at a bar. Just not a healthy, good idea.

There's a lot of talk about people taking responsibility for shit they’ve done, and I want to be part of normalizing doing that. Normalizing accountability and recovery.  

&amp;#x200B;

Feeling guilt for your actions is healthy, the key is not to let it grow to shame. Shame will isolate you, make you hurt even more, hate yourself, and perpetuate the cycle of hurting people because you hurt.