How can you tell the difference? I'm not looking for a diagnosis or anything, just some information if anyone has any. 

I'm going through a lot right now with my partner. He recently cheated on me. Not physically but it hurts hurts the same... I'm trying to figure out what to do. We've been together for 13 years. I've always put him through so much crap when it comes to my emotions and everything. I'm having a hard time not blaming myself completely for the issues we're having right now. He cheated in the past and was controlling and manipulative. I'm not putting the blame all on him either but I honestly think it has a lot to do with why I act the way I do.

I remember anything he's said to me that has ever made me feel like I made him unhappy or made me feel like I wasn't good enough. For example, he used to ask me where I was multiple times if I went anywhere, especially with other people. He'd also ask what's taking so long or explain to me how what I was doing shouldnt have taken that long. Now I feel the need to tell him without him asking me where I am, what I'm doing and why it's taking so long if I feel like it's taking longer than it should. I'll get so upset in stores if I feel like I'm taking too long that a few times while in the checkout line I've put things down and just left because it was taking too long. This is all brought on just by the thought that he could be mad at me. I'll text him and apologize for taking long and explain why.. even when he doesn't ask. Then if he does "innocently" ask why something took a while, I'll get upset and think that he's mad at me. 

He's accused me so many times of talking to other people and cheating. Or has just been so insecure thinking that I'll leave him for someone else. I haven't but it's like I go the extra mile to not put myself in situations where he'd think I could be. He's asked who's been at family events so much that now I automatically tell him who's there without him even asking. 

He's told me that I ruin every day off of work that I have because of my attitude and now I'm so afraid of ruining it that somehow its almost guaranteed that I ruin it by being worried so much about ruining it!! Like what?

It's like I'm terrified to make him upset with me. I don't feel like I'm enough. He was never like.. super abusive or anything. No physical abuse and minimal verbal abuse if any.. I'm not sure honestly. I do know that he's emotionally abusive. I'm not sure if he knows it. It's like I'm triggered by possibly making him upset. Just because it's so uncomfortable and I can't stand the thought of him, or anyone for that matter, being upset with me. 

Then there are times where I get so upset if I think people are mad at me or upset with me. Or I think that they are faking being my friend and I'm not even wanted around. It's hard to explain.. but sometimes I'll also get angry and feel like I'm just going to explode.. it's usually when my boyfriend and I argue. I lose some control at times and act like a damn child. I try to get my point across and he won't let me or he's not understanding what I'm saying or turning it all around.. it makes me feel insane.. I snap, cry, yell. I even hit myself a few times. I know that's not okay and I hate even admitting it but I just don't know what to do with myself. I call myself bad names, I think I'm worthless.. I end up thinking not only am I a bad girlfriend but I'm also a bad mom, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I've dropped all of my friends because he thinks they'll get me to cheat on him if we hang out. But it's okay to have a friend and hang out with them if he's there..

I know that this is very unhealthy. 

I am not innocent! I get mad at him then feel bad and get mad at myself which is what ruins days off. I'm trying so hard to be better and when I feel like I might be getting better I find myself thinking that I need to leave my boyfriend to be happy.. but like... is it because I know he's abusive? Is it because of an episode? I'm afraid that we can make the relationship work if I was just normal and I'm just not seeing that and I'll make a mistake by leaving. 

I don't remember being so bad before the relationship. We got together at 15 years old and I became codependent very fast. However, I think I've always had behavior issues. I was always shy, quiet, and riddled with anxiety growing up. My parents split when I was 3 and I think I had a tough time dealing with the back and forth for so long which may have given me a fear of abandonment which may contribute to the codependency on my boyfriend. 

This seriously is a mess of a post and im sorry. I appreciate if anyone read it. Idk what to do. Idk if I can get better.