My bf and I have been together for a little over a year and during that time I've mostly been in control of my symptoms in interacting with him. However he has depression and can be very withdrawn at times - sometimes going days with no contact, not responding to messages or texts etc. I can often see him active on social media in these times which is fair enough - it's a lot easier to like an instagram post than respond to a text when you feel like shit. but of course whenever this happens, I go into meltdown. Of course it always ends when he gets in touch with me and I feel fine and we go on with things as normal.

Things had been great lately. I met his friends and his dad for the first time, visited his home town for the first time. We hadn't seen each other a huge amount because we've both been busy but it had been good. Then the other week, he got pissed with me about something I'd done and I was really drunk and my response was to go into pleading mode. It was the first time I'd ever let him see borderline me. I called him dozens of times (it went to answer phone every time bc his house has shit reception, so I just kept ringing to get through), was sending pleading texts... there might have been voice messages too, I really don't remember bc I was so drunk. Of course I 100% believed this was it, that this was the end of our relationship and he now hated me. I sent a text two days later apologising and... he said it was fine ? he was still hurt by what he'd been mad about initially and I got it and apologised for that too. Again he went quiet for a few days and I was mystified but he blamed it on work and then we spent the next few days texting etc. (as he was busy and we couldn't see each other). 

But then... the last couple of days he's totally ignoring me. Completely. Not looking at my instagram stories despite being active on instagram levels of ignoring. I... don't get it. I feel like I must have done something wrong but I don't know what. we texted through the weekend, he sent me a text Sunday early afternoon (I was napping and didn't get it until later) but since then nothing. I have spent most of my time since then in an elongated panic attack. I'm resisting all my worse urges because I've come such a long way but it's so hard. I didn't sleep a single wink last night, which isn't helping. I sent him a friendly text, asking how he was getting on and... nothing. I just feel utterly at a loss and so empty and scared. I feel like I can't go on without him. I can't lose him. I don't have anyone to talk to about this because my mum is on the other side of the world atm for a wedding and I don't have anyone else in my life except for my boyfriend!!! I'm scared af. 