 

Here's the background story: I am 20m. I grew up and living in abusive household where I exposed to constant abuses and fight since childhood. My father is physically and emotionally abusive towards my mother literally everyday and lot of times me too (less compared to mother) and always blames on us if anything goes wrong or on small things or even if he's the fault. They both fight a lot, even our neighbor know us. On other hand, my mother is emotionally and verbally abusive towards me too and my father over little things and always controls me and my life and if things didn't go in her own she yells, she doesn't respect my boundaries or any personal space, she constantly yells a lot to me which triggers me from childhood and she makes up to be my with overly smothering with love nature and gaslight me that "you are the only son" and other buttery words. Her yelling is the most triggering thing, our whole neighborhood (even relatives) knows she yells a lot and I always get embarrassed by neighbors(even relatives) for it that "your mother yells a lot, why fight happens nearly everyday in your house". Both of my parents demean me in front of relatives and other like I have no respect.

This all traumatic things since childhood developed me Borderline Personality Disorder which literally impaired me mentally and physically and made me unconsciously abusive (physically and verbally) towards my mother whenever she controls me or my life and dismiss my personal space and boundaries or yells/abuse at me very loudly or throw profanities at me. She triggers me a lot, I can't help it but act abusive (including hitting) whenever she does things to me. It literally destroy my mental health nearly everyday since childhood and I can't tolerate watching my mom dad fight every night he come homes. I don't love or respect my parents, I can never, because of them I shaped liked that and they never even loved me without being abusive towards me.

I am not gonna excuse my abusive behavior or act like a complete victim. Living in a abusive household made me toxic too including BPD. I am not physically or verbally abusive outside house although it did got me red flags and manipulative behaviors which I am trying to unlearn. I acknowledge my behaviors and it is wrong on so many levels and I am aware of it. I am literally helpless because of BPD and I don't have any emotional or financial support or even have a bestfriend to share. I want to get rid of this household and get therapy but I don't have enough money, I SWEAR ON YOU GUYS, I LITERALLY DON'T ENJOY THIS A BIT OR ANY OF IT HAPPENINGS, I want to live a normal and healthy life for once, I am 20 years old and all these things made me super depressive. How do I deal with this?