i have this terrible cycle of being unhappy with my body and how i look and then feeling so much anxiety and self-hatred that i use food to eat. 
i don’t drink anymore (kind of pointless for me since i’m temporarily living w my parents, getting drunk alone isn’t fun for me and bc of the pandemic i don’t hang out with ppl a lot), i don’t do any drugs (have been a multiple-times-per-day pot smoker for the last 6 years but due to the pandemic i’ve completely stopped since getting high alone started making me anxious out of nowhere), and i stopped vaping nicotine cold turkey about two months ago after being a tobacco/nicotine user for 6 years. 
i’ve always used food as a coping mechanism for anxiety and self hatred but after stopping use of alcohol, pot / other drugs, and nicotine it’s gotten worse. i can be completely full to the point that i’m almost sick and i’ll keep eating because it literally makes some part of me feel better. i’m trying to pinpoint the reason why and it’s like i enjoy the taste of food that i like and when i’m finished with my plate i just want more because i like the act of chewing and tasting food. 
it’s fucking with me because ever since i was a teenager i count every single calorie of every day of my life, every time i eat i think about how gross i am for eating, every morning when i wake up i tell myself not to eat and every night before bed i tell myself i did bad that day for eating so much. it’s like i have the mental effects of an ED but no one would ever know because i never restrict myself? idk if this makes sense. last time i went to the doctor she told me i was underweight but i don’t look it, at all. 
this is more of a venting post i guess but does anyone have tips on how to stop having such an unhealthy coping mechanism in food? maybe i’ll try chewing gum? i know my thoughts are unhealthy and my goal should not to be to NOT eat but at the very least i want to stop eating every time i feel anxious (which is 24/7). i won’t be hungry at all and i’ll make food just for the sole fact that eating makes me feel better?