I never get into deep friendships. It's really fucking hard for me to navigate relationships, deal with, experience, show emotions. So I isolate myself. Because I can't maintain friendships and scared of them abandoning me, I leave everyone first. Or not get into friendships.
Now I found some really good friends we met in the psych ward. One of them was a patient and the other is a med student, who was in practice when I was admitted. I felt understood and they stuck by my side during everything. I'm bulimic and despite none of them having lived experience with eating disorders, they knew how to handle it and were trying their hardest to help me. 
When I realized they were starting to get close to me, I freaked out. I didn't want serious friendships because I knew I suck at them, I knew they hurt a lot and the thought of making genuine friends made me want to kms. How fucked up is that btw. But eventually I let them close to myself constantly emphasizing the fact that many of my friends stuck by my side in hard times, but nobody could help and everybody kinda just accepted that I'm mentally ill and eventhough I'm very open about my problems, I can only state facts, there is no emotions when I talk about my problems. They also accepted that I isolate myself when shit gets bad because I don't want them to see how fucked up I am, I know they probably notice, but I just don't want them to feel like they have to deal with me, because they can't. But the recent friendships are different. They try everything to push me in the right direction. And I appreciate that and they actually helped a lot. Until I relapsed. My bulimia got pretty bad during this year, that's the reason I was hospitalised. For a while it seemed liked I was getting better, but now Im in a full blown anorexia bulimia relapse. And they got tired, as I expected. I got sent to the ER and than to the psych ward. When they stabilized my potassium levels I refused further treatment. And they got mad, because I'm not trying to recover atm. They have no idea what to do with me anymore and me neither. But they've told me I'm too much and they won't stand by and watch me slowly kill myself. I kinda get it and as I mentioned I'm not surprised, but it fucking hurts. Because I feel like I shouldn't have let them be my friends. I knew I can't accept help and eventually it's going to ruin them. But it just felt so good that they cared. They still do. So they say. But I don't know, if I knew someone was struggling, I wouldn't say I can't watch them if I can't help them. I wouldn't leave just because I can't help. Is it selfish that I feel like they shouldn't leave me just because I'm not interested in getting the help I might need?