Hello I’m A, I hope you’re having a great day.As of late my mental health has been steadily declining and well I just don’t know if I even feel like fighting anymore. I feel like a failure no matter what I do nothing changes and this just isn’t my idea anymore.

As a kid I never imagined that my life would be this shitty right now and at this moment.Though as a teenager I kind of expected it. I’m 21 and I turn 22 next month and I just want to be free. I hate my job because I get a lot of anxiety there and it’s beginning to feel like a toxic environment. I don’t get paid enough and I suppose I understand.It’s retail so its to be expected.I have searched online multiple times to find a better job and the truth is I just don’t have any skills or more like documented skills. I took two weeks off to get my mind right and to focus on my online studies but these past few weeks have been utter hell.I still live with my family and I hate it here,every single day pretty much there has been an argument and I just don’t like the energy of the house.

I wanted to start acting classes as I am interested in that too but I just don’t have the funds for the teacher I’d like to go to same with my gym.Like I’m fine working out at home but I’d much rather be at the gym I used to go to because I loved the environment. I don’t have much of a close relationship with anyone right now well save for my two dogs. I don’t have a license nor a car so I also rely on my family to help me with that and it just annoys them. I have been trying to find a place to go take lessons again as I have a learners permit from when I was 17 but my family didn’t complete the rest of the training with me like it was set up. I’m in debt right now too on a credit card and I own that completely as its all my fault. I realized that shopping is one of my coping mechanisms and its to my detriment as majority of the time I am broke as fuck. I haven’t had much of an appetite so I’ve been losing a bunch of weight. I don’t know I just don’t like myself right now. I feel like a trapped bird.Yesterday I just thought about up and leaving after another argument because I don’t really care what happens to me at this point. I’m probably only here mainly because of my dogs.Someone has to take proper care of them.

While I was out I was going to try going back to therapy,but I decided against it.Like I went before and it didn’t help me. I literally just told jokes and made the lady laugh because I have a hard time opening up and saying all the things I’m upset about. I don’t like crying in front of others. I guess a lot of old stuff is buried underneath all of this too.My relationship with my family in general has never been the best and I have a hard time accepting some of the things I saw or heard. It was an abusive family really,thats why I hate my dad’s side of the family.They’ve gotten away with so much damage.I feel like I’m never going to escape all of this. I can’t keep staying in environments like this but I don’t know how to get out. I’m not doing anything that I love at this point and I know my situation is nowhere near bad as others but I feel suffocated. I can’t be myself here I can’t evolve here.Besides my pets I feel all alone. I’m tired of fussing,tired of going to a job I hate,tired of not liking my surroundings,tired of remembering how one of my friends got murdered when I was younger. I have so many things in my head that wont shut up.I just want to scream and then put myself to sleep.

I feel like I just need someone to just understand or anything without all the extra. I just need some form of relief because my mind won’t let me live. I don’t know what else to do to help myself every-time I try or start to things just get worse.Everyone thinks I’m mean ,that I’m crazy and that I’m not trying to do better.They don’t know all the things I’ve been doing or tried that just doesn’t work. I just want to escape. I want to feel free.