My life is an absolute mess and i have nobody to blame but myself. I owe money to my college since my student loans got all messed up this semester. I cant regester for classes because of it im supposed to graduate next semester but i guess thats not gonna happen. I cant come up with the money they want without a student loan and the period where they accept applications for them is over. I was supposed to graduate last semester but i was hospitalized with a severe depressive episode. Now i feel as though im headed back in that direction because of this mixed episode iv been expiriancing the ups and downs are relentles. Im holding down a seasonal job which is good cause i dont wanna have to ask mommy and daddy for money. Im just a loser whos no good. Nobody around me understands what i have to go through on a daily basis except my mom who is bipolar 2 compared to me who is bipolar 1. She also suffers from extreme anxiety so i never tell her anything and put on a show that everything is ok. I feel so alone in my struggle. Alls i do i drown my sorrows with drugs and alcohol. Cause its the only thing that makes me feel normal even for alittle while. While iv been in this mixed episode i stoped taking all the meds i was prscribed cause reasons, mostly uncontrolable impulsively. Iv also engaged in other risky behaviors that isnt quite normal but its the only thing that makes me feel alive. I welcome death tbh. Its the only forseeable way out but oh wait im also 120k in debt due to my student loans and my parents are to cosigners so i cant just dump all that debt onto them. Even if i do manage to pull this degree outta my ass and graduate by some miracle i cant presue my former dream job anyways due to a recent injury that has been life changing. There is no hope of a good future.  Im going to struggle for the rest of my miserable life to pay off somthing i cant do anything with. Not to mention that im also a romantic failure as well. I drove away the only person who ever really knew the real me and cared about the real me. Its completely my fault and the way i treated that person i deserve everything i get. I deserve to be alone and wallow in my endless sorrows. I cant trust myself to let anybody that close again i dont wanna hurt them or burden them with my pointless life issues. Im not sure how i even find the motivation to get out of bed somtimes but eventualy after crying i usually do. In some sick delusion i see all of this as normal. Iv never lived a normal life and it makes me unbelievably depressed to think that i need to take pills todo so. I just wish for a way out i guess a day where i can wake up from this nightmare and escape hell on earth. But alas that day wont be coming for a long time. I just dont see the point in trying to fight anymore if i have nothing to fight for. Its never going to get better permanently.i always ene up back in this same spot no matter what i do. I guess compared to certain people i have it good so what am i complaining about. Im an only child who grew up with family and both parents in a house in middle class town. I was never abused by anybody but myself. I managed todo all this damage to myself i have no excuse either. Im just sick i guess. Maybe this is how things are supposed to be. Maybe im being punished and i do in fact live in hell. But if thats the case then why is it so godamn cold all the time so emotionless so unfeeling.