I’ve seen some posts here about people feeling calm during this time, and people feeling like they need a full on meltdown for validation. I am somewhere between the two right now and kind of feeling like I’m in limbo, waiting for everything to blow up. 

I’m crashing at my parents due to the COVID issues as well as some household issues at my apartment, and I think my instability is really getting to my mom. My best friend suggested I go to her only when I’m feeling unstable or impulsive or dangerous, instead of my mom, because my mom already has a lot on her plate. But I am positive my best friend will get stressed out/fed up with me too. She even said (jokingly) “you can come to me about anything... until it gets too much for me too”. But I know there’s an element of truth to it because she’s also my ex/FP and we broke up because I’m a mess. 

I can’t go on employment insurance right now because I already get disability support, but it’s not enough to cover my expenses. I’m anxious about that, I’m depressed about just about everything and my skin picking is at an all time high. Not that I really want to, but it’s even the worst possible time to go to the hospital for help or find a new therapist. 

I just feel so trapped (mentally) and I’m so full of self hate. I wish I had an easy fix but that’s basically impossible for BPD. I don’t know what to do anymore.