So, I've been losing weight. I'm hungry all the time but I can't eat when I'm stressed. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve food. Sometimes I can't swallow. I want to kill myself but I can't (my kids, I'm scared, I don't like pain) so I just had a thought that not eating is making me slowly die. When I have hunger pain, I smoke weed. Headaches. I've lost weight. I can see it. I wish I could be happy but I can't. Even if I could, it makes my bf miserable bc of his declining health condition. Or at least it seems that way. It feels that way. Food isn't enjoyable. Hasn't been for a while. Everything tastes pretty much the same. Meat taste like all meat. Fruit taste blah and veggies taste like grass (actually, my son had me eat "lemon grass" it tasted better). Maybe bc I shared that moment with him. I try to stay happy for them. Strong for them but, I see them struggling with my bf health and my plucked* up life. I hate myself for not being able to fix things.