And I don’t want to go. I know we’re going to do a run through of my history, life experiences, etc. I don’t want to talk about my trauma or the decisions I’ve made to simply survive. Last time I did this, it sent me spiraling and I never went back. I feel like I’m finally making progress on my own. I’m dealing with things I’ve avoided. I’m getting to the root of problems. I’m not a therapist. I’m not as good at working through these problems as a therapist would be. But I’m doing it in a way that’s helping. I’m scared this is going to send me spiraling again and I can’t afford that right now. 

I don’t know why I agreed to try therapy. In theory, it sounded good, but I know myself at least well enough to know this isn’t a good idea right now. Maybe if I had already done this initial part, I wouldn’t be so hesitant, but that’s not the case and I’m upset I ever said I would go. My friends are proud and supportive and now, I’m most likely going to disappoint them. But I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this.