I've tried everything and I'm honestly just tired of fighting this for hope that things will get better and fighting for everyone else. I love the few people left in my life and I don't want them to suffer but I can't live for them...

My biggest regret will be my dad...I don't want to make him suffer but he'll think I'm in a better place so maybe it'll help him. He lived the past decade without me and I know he has people who will take care of him. 

I've been struggling since I was 14 or maybe even younger and I am 29 now. I have spent the past decade in therapy and also working on a marriage that I really thought I could make last forever. I truly did love this man even after everyrhing that happened. It was my hope and now he has left me and if his friendship isn't enough for me then I can fuck off. He's right I should. I wish it could be enough but he broke me and everyone around him just let it happen. He has everything, a big family, girls to flirt with, friends who love him etc. He will have this house and our pets too. He also has a better job and more money and he takes everything he has for granted. So I'm honestly really just gonna fuck off like he said.i really truly loved this man but it wasn't enough for him. He used me up and threw me to the side. He is generous and gives me things and is there for me to a degree until anything personal is said and then his patience is gone and he starts screaming at me or saying awful things. 

I tried to move on and found someone I really like a lot. We talked a couple months and then he met me at my house. We had sex and when he left he promised he'd be back and gave me his Hoodie. Then he ghosted me until he told me he found a new girl he really liked. They're together and happy and I feel like I'm really stupid and used again. 

I've tried being a lone but everyone around me is happy and moving on with their lives together. 

I just want to be with my dog in heaven or the ground or the next life or whatever comes after death. He was the only thing that I felt would never not truly love and be there for me. I feel so sorry for my dad. But I just can't do this anymore. I hope he can understand. We had a lot of problems when I was in my teens, I don't think he understands or remembers half of what was happening back then. He tells me my memories are false or wrong but I know they aren't, I've been in therapy for them for over a decade. He was doing some drugs at the time and maybe doesn't remember what happened. 

I just can't keep doing this anymore. I can't keep it up. I'm empty and completely broken. Everything in me feels used. My heart and my body. I don't care to start over and I've tried the loving myself stuff and focusing on myself. I've tried going to the hospital and the hotline and medications. And I'm still feeling like this. Maybe this was always just inevitable for me.

The biggest problem is I'm really scared. I'm scared of failing and having to face this anymore. I'm scared of succeeding and really hurting the people left behind. I'm too tired to lolive and to scared to die. I don't really know what to do.

I'm sorry for the really long post. I just need an anonymous place to vent...