It sounds sinister and self absorbed but I often feel like I am the butt of a some joke that is my life. I worry that all my interactions strangers, acquaintances and coworkers are faked, that people are telling me what I wanna hear and that I am somewhat of a...burden? A pest? Not quite wanted around but since I’m conveniently there, might as well make use of me. 

My supervisor at my newish job approached me about a career opportunity and I am not at all interested and plan on saying no since it involves more stress and more work for no extra pay. I feel taken advantage of and my gut tells me to say no to stand up for myself. And it’s not something I want to pursue a future career in anyway and I prefer my current role.

I feel confident in this decision and my friends and family seem to back me up/validate my feelings about it. And yet I worry that they’re just being nice and validating me because they know how much of a monster I can be when someone criticizes me? Because I take things too personally? Maybe they don’t want me getting emotional or maybe they feel so bad for me that they’re nice to me but secretly think I’m pathetic. I worry that if I assert my decision and boundaries and wants I’ll get made fun of and betrayed, this is at the core of it. I don’t want to feel like I have a voice but then get fired for turning this down, for example. 

Are thoughts like this common in pwBPD or is it just me and my circumstances leading to paranoid delusions? I have thoughts like this all the time and I think they’re eating me alive. They also extend to other things like my relationship and my SO and my appearance (whether it’s a mistake for me to leave the house without any makeup on because I look horrid and unprofessional vs. thinking it’s fine).