Disclaimer: I know this post is just me making excuses for myself but I can’t handle the truth (again another excuse I guess) and feel compelled to compartmentalize to protect my ego but if any commenters want to break through those defenses or hit me with some tough love or a reality check that would honestly probably be a good thing. 

Anyway, have been suffering from various mental and emotional issues for a long time and have been in and out of therapy. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and I also have ADHD and some potential others issues (possibly bipolar disorder) plus some family issues and past trauma, attachment issues blah blah blah. I’m on medications and they work ok but I think I really need therapy because my thoughts are wacky and I fall into deep pits of despair. I tend to have really dramatic and irrational assumptions and black and white thinking about myself, and my behaviors, in general, throughout my life, seem to be pretty self destructive. I struggle with impulsivity and lying and “shame” and feel like an intimate relationship is impossible because I can’t be honest, or work as hard as I need to and I just really worry about myself and my future and my ability to live a successful life (I’m 24 and feel pretty hopeless about my ability to survive  in life/work as an adult. 

I want to improve as a person and get better (and feel better) however I’m currently doing something very bad (elaborate lying) and I’m so afraid to tell a therapist because I know I will not want to hear what they will say. I don’t feel like I can face the truth about myself and what I’m doing (yet) and I know I need to fess up, that that would be the right thing to do and good for my mental health, but I also know that the consequences of telling the truth could be very extreme (if appropriate considering my misdemeanor) and that it may ultimately make my things much much worse for everyone. 

I’m lying to my mom (who I live with) about being in university and taking classes online when I’m actually still on a leave of absence and not coming back till later. I have a plan to make up all the credits. My mom can never know this. 

However It has become this very very elaborate (I’m an excellent liar). I actually do feel guilty but not as guilty as I should. My mom has an extremely scary temper when she’s mad but for the first time things have been good. My parents are divorced and my father knows but he is covering for me.

I am so ashamed of this behavior but I’m much more afraid to face the consequences. I think my mom would potentially lock me up, probably scream at me for weeks or months, maybe even have a heart attack if she knew. It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told. The other day she screamed at me for lying about drinking chocolate milk.