I really want to see my fp before I go but he fucking hates me and he’s going to the girls he cheated on me with but I need to speak to him so bad but everything I say he takes as manipulation but I’m fucking desperate I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate how I’m ruining the lives of literally everyone around me everyone leaves and those who don’t just get drained by me and I know that none of them actually want to deal with this or at the very least would be better off without it. What is the fucking point of staying alive when I don’t remember anything I was sat talking to my friend last night about my memory of the last year and I had about 5 vivid ones because it’s been so traumatic and every year is the same thing. I hate this shit. I hate BPD and the rollercoaster that it turns life into and I know that I can’t ride it forever so I may as well just go now while everyone still hates me right?? While I have the means to in my hands?? I cry every fucking day all day all I do is wish I was dead. Even when I’m having a nice time like I was last night I still think that it’s not worth it because nothing is. 1 drink of 1 thing to never feel like this again, ever, 25 minutes and I’ll never ever cry like this again. I can’t think of anything that would make me turn that offer down anymore