I don't know when this started but somehow I don't manage to open mail anymore. At least if don't know what's in it. It started when I got mails because I forgot a bill (about $30) and I simply forgot to pay this because I went on vacation. As I came back I got a huge, 'evil' letter and I was kind of at the edge of crying - I failed like a failure; I could see my credit score go down in an instant, thought about future employers seeing that I was literally unable to function like a decent human being, heard my parents voice on my head of how incapable I am.

Yeah well I didn't open this or any further letters, I was just paralysed. They ended up In a drawer and when I moved out I just burned it all. In the end they took the money and a fee ($60) from my account and I felt so much relief.

Since then I managed to slowly get into the habit of opening mail again and made email (no problem with emails, I don't know why) whenever possible my main source of official communication. I always knew what was coming, if not I took an extra day where I gathered courage to open this mail. 

But I had a relapse, somehow letters from my bank came in, whenever I wanted to open one the next one was already waiting (took 4 days to get ready for the first one) I feel so pathetic. 

Also I'm waiting for some financial aid where I had to lay bare my finances and I honestly can't say if I owe someone money or not. Usually I pay in beforehand so that this won't ever happen again. But I can't really say if I forgot something from my first episode although I tried to repair everything back then. Im deathly afraid of a bill with fees from 4+ years coming in.

The letter of financial aid confirmation (or not) is laying in the kitchen and I just can't get myself to open it. I'm a mess.