i said i wanted to be alone for new years, but instead i've a stomach ache and deep deep depression thought again. like to the point i want to drink myself to sleep, selfharm and just do shit ton of stupid things. i can't talk to anyone really about the pangs of suicidal thoughts that has been prevalent the last few days. i'm usually really good with being alone, even prefer it, but now??? i can't stop thinking about not wanting to be alone, even if it was with just one friend, sitting in the living room and drinking quietly. 

fuck ...