I took a nap and when I woke up my heart dropped to my stomach. I don’t want to be awake. I went back to sleep. I woke up again. My heart dropped to my stomach. I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to die… not really. Im terrified of death. I just don’t want to be here. 

What I really want… I WANT to live a happy life and for all my current problems to go away. I want to not be in pain everyday… but I KNOW this will plague me my whole life. 

I feel like I am constantly in these different stages of grief, jumping back and forth between them, in regards to my situation/problems. I‘ve denied, got angry, bargained, been depressed (I’m always depressed lol), and then sometimes I hit this acceptance, which I’ve been hitting a lot lately. That may sound like a good thing but by acceptance I mean accepting that this will be my life. Accepting that I will struggle till the day I die and I may be happy at certain moments but I’ll never be truly happy (and those happy moments I do have will be plagued with the overarching unhappiness just as they are now). That my worst fears will likely come true. It’s like sitting in a hole you’ve been trying to climb out of, and to cope you’ve been telling yourself “maybe someone will come and throw down a ladder”, “maybe a wind storm will blow some sticks down here and I can try to use them to climb up”, and then snapping back to the reality that no one is coming, no sticks are going to fall, and so you sit there in the hole and surrender because you don’t have another option. Sorry for the the shitty analogy haha.