It's New Years Eve and that is always a bad time of year for me. I am usually pretty sad because I am alone and always feel like a failure. But the last 3 years are especially hard because I have a long distance girlfriend and she is a social person.

Tonight, she'll be going out with a bunch of friends to have fun and I will have to sit here all alone while she texts me about things. I'm not even afraid of her doing anything bad (even though I often get jealous, I do trust her) but I am extremely jealous she's having fun and I am not unable to. I'm also sad that she knows that I am alone and have BPD but she would rather go out with people than keep me company. However, I know that I have no right to expect her to not see her friends and I would never ask, but it doesn't help the feeling of being alone and abandoned on a day she knows I hate.

I'm hoping that I manage to keep myself together today...but it will be hard. She is hours ahead of me and soon she will be going out. I am sitting here just waiting to brave the cold so I can get a bottle of alcohol and hopefully pass out as soon as possible.

I guess this is a pointless thread, but I just had to rant about New Years Eve.