I spent the last 4 years being a dad to an ex partners child, being a dad gave me purpose and gave my life meaning. I spent 4 years being the best father I could possibly be to a child who would have otherwise had 1 parent. Even once the mother and I had parted company I still regularly saw the kid, I had him every second weekend and even paid money to help his mother with taking care of him because I loved him like my own flesh and blood.

 Then in an instant it was taken away. Pure jealousy on the part of my ex at my decision to move on after I met somebody, and my refusal to break up with this new person for my manic, deeply unstable ex led to her completely removing access to the child I called my own for 4 years. I never got the chance to say goodbye.

Here I am 3 months down the line, i havent made a fuss because I know I had zero in the way of rights to the child I spent 4 years loving. I've just walked away and tried to gather the pieces of my life now that its center has been thoroughly torn out. I've spent this time avoiding the issue and smoking weed to excess because it stopped me thinking about things when on my own.

The issue I know have is that I want to quit my unhealthy habit and deal with the trauma, while I am currently 4 days sober I am finding the anxiety and racing of my mind really difficult to deal with as its very painful and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time but this utter gut punch has left me lost, confused and finding it ever more difficult to find a path to healthily dealing with all of this.

My question is what can I do to help myself? What has helped all of you deal with trauma and has anybody been through anything similiar? Any advise would be appreciated at this point as I'm really going through the ringer.