Look, I’m depressed as hell. Anxious every day. Tired. All the chemicals in my body are just jacked up. If you read this you might say “why the hell did you post this?” Well I posted it because I don’t care and it actually feels a little good to type it out and put it out for anyone in the world to see. 

I started a new job in a new career field 6 weeks ago. I’m good at the job, but I’m incredibly anxious and stressed about it every day. Every day when the work day ends my vision starts to blur, my eyes feel dry, I have a cough, I am very drowsy, and am fairly prone to headaches. The job is not incredibly difficult or anything and not physically demanding, but I stress over it a lot because I care. At first I thought I was dehydrated every day but recently I’ve been trying very hard to hydrate so I don’t think that’s the case. Maybe I’m getting so stressed out and when work is over and I can let go of that stress I crash. I’m still trying to figure it out but that’s my best guess. Every day I struggle to eat enough food. It’s hard for me to want to eat food but also everything just sounds bad to me. So I’ve been eating anything that might sound delicious in the moment and I’m getting very poor nutrition. Some extra stress could be added by the fact that I’m still not making enough money to provide for my family effectively. 

Also, did I mention that I just had my first child? I’ve been married for a few years and we just had our first child 3 weeks ago on top of my career change so that’s something extra to stress over. As soon as the work day is over it’s my turn to take care of the baby. She’s a great girl and I love my wife so much, but it’s a lot to balance. 

Money is getting pretty tight so we’re talking about selling our house that we have only owned for 8 months so we can downgrade to a cheaper home. So there’s that. 

On top of this my grandfather is in the hospital and has come close to death several times over the last few weeks. Along with my wife and child, he is my favorite person in this world. The amount of love I have for my grandfather is unreal. I visit him multiple times a week and he spends a lot of the time hallucinating and saying some things that don’t make any sense. He’s heavily medicated for pain but if they medicate him any less he will be screaming in pain so what do you do… 

I’ve cried every single day for at least the last 10 days. I’ve been in therapy for a few years so I have that to fall back on but it only helps so much. I meditate every morning and it works a little bit. Meditation and breathing exercises are probably the only thing keeping me from puking every morning before work. My parents try to be understanding and helpful but they can’t give me everything I need. I appreciate their effort but it falls short a lot of times… but I know I shouldn’t rely on others to fix all my problems. 

Anyways, I just wanted to ramble and put things out there and see if anyone wanted to say anything in support or tell me to quit being a baby. Thanks!