I just wanna ask the pwBPD subreddit if they want their pwBPD to apologize.  So many people complain about lack of empathy, lack of remorse, inability to apologize, and I cannot relate.  I've read some hecka abusive messages from pwBPD with non apologies/manipulation, and those on the receiving end fully deserve a support space to process that without pwBPD being like "well they said abc because xyz".  But I think it would be useful for both parties to be able to ask questions to hear the other side's perspectives.

I don't want to be perceived as "hoovering", but I've seen so many people clearly in pain posting it makes me wonder if I should get in touch with those I split on and hurt to apologize lest they be one of the many armchair psychologist searching desperately for answers.  I finally understand why I did so many things I did, and they are all things I would not dream of doing now.  I'm horrified at the person I was, because 99% of the time the people I hurt didn't deserve it, I was just rehashing trauma from the 1%.  As much as I would love to have some of these people back in my life, I've accepted that the things I've done mean they may not want that at all.  But how am I supposed to know if I should leave it and them No Contact with the memory of my unfiltered borderline rage, or try to apologize and offer them the chance to see I am making amends?  

My therapist has instructed me to hold off, because when I did "come to" and realize the gravity of my actions, the weight of the guilt was too much to process without unhealthy coping mechanisms.  I feel like I am seeing less black and white and not holding myself as the sole ruiner of all of my relationships, but I do want to take accountability for the harm I did bring to the table.  I also don't want to bother anyone who's greatest nightmare is a notification from me, but how am I supposed to know if its that or that they're refreshing their phone waiting for my apology?