I truly hate living with BPD. I feel like no matter how hard I try to fix the broken relationships and hurt I've created in my past, I only end up creating an even bigger mess.

Today my brain went into obsessive-mode after having the third dream in one week about my first big love. Since I lost my memory last year and it hasn't fully recovered, I can't remember how it all ended, but I do know it was a mess (because I was clingy and scared that he'd leave me, so I left him and got into a relationship with someone else I think?). And I do know I really did love him and even after ten years I have feelings for him.

So, in my obsession-haze I tried to dig up stuff about him, but he's a private person. Eventually I managed to dig out the song I was his muse for - he composed it and performed it once, then refused to ever acknowledge its existence. That video hurt a lot, but just made me want to reach out even more. And then I decided that even though he removed me from his Facebook, now would be the right time to send him a message, just a "hi, how are you?" and hopefully have a small chat.

Well, turns out that that's not how life works. He just said that I broke him badly and he doesn't want to touch on anything related to me. And now I feel even more sad because I feel like not only have I lost him forever from my life, but I also managed to hurt him again. 

Not to mention that I feel like I truly am a bad person and undeserving of love. Even back then I thought that I was like a tornado that just crashed into peoples lives, wrecked havoc and left. 

I just can't seem to stop hurting people. And I don't know how to give myself compassion and care when I've been hurt. I just wish I could regulate my emotions like a functional human and stop fucking up.