Im 20 now and i still talk with some of the same people but I feel like im just acting now. I used to be able to go to my friends house, wed have our little group over and I could just relax and talk and make jokes but I feel like im forcing everything now just to try to not seem depressed and every year im getting worse at it. One of my friends from that group came down from college to visit the other week and halfway through the night she asked me if I hate myself, its not working anymore. I said “what!? Noooo” but I was thinking “cmon, youve known me for 6 years. Why wouldnt I hate myself?” If I didnt have siblings i would just be waiting for my dad to check out so he wouldnt have to deal with all that but my sisters are great and one of them is two years younger than me so theres no way out without inflicting the same pain that started my spiral onto them. The last 6 years ive just wanted to be dead but once youre here youre here and unaliving yourself hurts the ones you care about