This has been a really bad year for me. I didn’t expect my depression to be this bad. I am always tired and unmotivated. Anything I used to like doing is dull to me. Anything really, even going out with family and friends is dull to me. My mood is narrowed down to either numb, sad, or irritated. I used to have a lot of friends, but now, I am down to three friends and my family.  One of those three I attempted to cut off. I know they care for me, even my former friends, and I know love them dearly, but I don’t feel anything anymore. It’s like they are just there, and I am somewhere else even though I am physically with them.

Love life wise, I made mistakes except the last one — Last one didn’t work out. Poor guy. Hope he finds someone better than me. I always remind myself of my past mistakes that now it’s on autopilot. If there’s a guy I’m attracted to, either I avoid him, act no more than just being friendly, or think of all the negative about me so it reinforces that “he’s out my league”. But, nowadays, I have been isolating myself and only spend time with friends and family - even that is seldom. If I see one passing nearby, I look away. Being around guys that are not my friends/comfortable with is giving me anxiety. It gets to the point now that I’d rather be somewhere where nobody knows me and live there for the rest of my life.

Career wise. I was excited about the prospect of my career. I got into internships and even landed a job offer from EY, one of Big 4 accounting firms. Once I got in, I only lasted 6 months. I left the job because my work anxiety was through the roof and I was ready to kill myself with a razor blade that was sitting on my desk. Now, I’m back to my old job part-time. My boss and my team are great but the pay from this old job is way way below industry standard. I’m surviving with the pay only because I moved back in to my mom’s house which means my money goes to my bills. I wanna commit to this job full time but I don’t know. I lost my passion not just for my career but my life.

At this point, I’m just existing. Wake up to go work, go home, do nothing, stay up for nothing. I am so tired. I wanna end it all but I don’t know why I am not doing it. What is it that’s keeping me from pulling the plug?

I did try to get help. I met with a therapist during my last weeks in EY but only for two sessions. Because I quit the job, I couldn’t afford her. Even if I did, I wouldn’t wanna go back with her — didn’t like the experience. Now, I tried many times to find a therapist and even went through the process, but then I pull out of it. I just don’t see the point.

I don’t know what to do anymore…