I hate myself. Like, I truly hate myself so so much. 

Getting an FP is always the same:

There’s an ounce of tension there, they’re interested and I can’t believe they’re interested in me.

I try to hold back because I know it won’t end well and maybe I saw some signs that weren’t actually signs. 

However, my brain wants more of the dopamine or whatever it produces. 

We usually text, I receive some compliments. Nothing to crazy. And I fall hard. I want them to like me so badly. I can’t think of anything else, it’s my main mission to make them like me, usually scaring them away. 

In the process, I am overcome with even more self doubt than have on a normal day and the self hatred becomes like a Gollum/Sméagol conversation. “Of course they don’t like you, no one likes you.” “They literally told me they like me.” “They’re lying.” And how can I argue with that? I hate myself so why wouldn’t they. And if they don’t hate me already, they will when they get to know me better. 

I’m sick of the rollercoaster. I’m desperately trying to fill the void but after all the self-reflection, it’s not the same anymore. It’s like taking a drug but already anticipating the comedown while getting high. 

I don’t want to let anyone get close to me anymore. I can’t do it. The pain is unbearable and I don’t feel like it’s going to get better. I’m going to end up alone because of this stupid disorder because I can’t form healthy connections. It makes me sad because I feel nothing will fulfill me as much as healthy relationships (friendships, romantic, etc.)