I’m a quiet borderline and I guess relatively high-functioning in that I can hold down a job and I am married. I’m just so tired of the constant battle inside. 

I used to have an extremely close group of friends who I could talk to about anything and I spoke with every day. Some stuff happened and everything blew up. I lost my best friend which has been hard enough. The rest of the friends have been very “neutral” and have remained friends with both of us. 

The whole thing was horrible and although I maybe didn’t make some great decisions leading up to it I definitely don’t think it’s a situation where it was all my fault. Some of the mutual friends have commented on how I’ve handled it all very maturely and although they are not taking sides, do seem to empathize with me in this. several of them have said it wasn’t my fault and I just ended up getting unfairly caught up in something. 

I’m not sure if I’m just going insane but since all this happened I feel a lack of closeness from all of my friends. They message me much less and I feel they go out with my ex best friend more than me. I know it’s hard for them to be completely neutral. I guess part of me is maybe angry or jealous because I don’t want them to be neutral and want them to side with me. 

One of my friends in particular I feel blows hot and cold now. Sometimes she seems really excited to see me and we have times where everything seems like it used to and other times she doesn’t reply to me (she’s the kind of person who responds quite quickly usually) and I feel like she doesn’t want to bother with me at all. I work with her which means if she did want to cut me off it would end up being awkward so I guess I’m concerned she’s maintaining a certain level of friendship just to avoid that and if she didn’t need to see me regularly at work she wouldn’t bother at all. She was my second closest friend before all this happened. 

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I keep trying to reassure myself but I almost feel like she’s “splitting” on me from day to day. Sometimes I get so paranoid that I even imagine that she could be staying friends with me so she can report back to the ex best friend on what I’m saying. My husband thinks that her doing this would be psychopathic and that me suspecting this is me losing touch with reality.

I’m really finding it hard. When my friends are busy on the days I invite them out I obsess over Facebook to see if they are with the ex-best friend or not. I live in a small place where everyone knows everyone and so it’s hard to have a new start.

I know I should still try to make new friends but it’s hard because I miss the old ones so much and it’s so hard to just replace them because I don’t get that “spark” with many people. 

I have been having dreams constantly about my ex best friend and what happened. All of this happened almost a year ago and I would say I’ve been having dreams about it almost every night since then.

I do have my husband and he has been amazing about all of this but he can only take so much and the more I’m “not ok” the more I fear he might abandon me. I simply can’t put all of it on him because it’s too intense and I know he’s struggling. I used to deal with this by going to various friends to talk about any issues and “spreading it out” but now I only have him and I’m worried I will lose him too.

I did see a therapist but they advised me to just “make new friends” which I know sounds sensible but I just don’t know how to do that. It feels similar to “get a new husband” or “get a new dog” - obviously you might hope that eventually you will do but it still feels extremely painful at the time. 

On the surface people seem to think I’m doing ok but I feel like a kid in the playground again being left out of games and trying not to cry. My friends do still sometimes go out with me and we have a nice time but I guess things have just changed since all this happened and I miss a certain feeling of closeness and comfort.

I’m trying so hard to not make things worse and not show them that I’m insanely jealous and heartbroken still but the feelings are still there on the inside. I really thought it would have all gone away by now. These are people I’ve known for around six years and I am not close to my family at all so it’s hit me hard. I have phases where I do a bit better but then I go backwards again and just cry all day. 

I’ve been trying to distract myself with my (solo) hobbies but then I just stop and feel so empty and lonely. Most of all I really miss my ex best friend who, ironically, is the person I most wish I could talk to about my current feelings. I do get very intense attachments and I’m aware this probably isn’t a normal reaction but I just don’t know what to do. It feels like somebody has died.