it’s so hard to get through each day. i have no passion to do anything anymore, i don’t have interest in anything i used to love. i feel like there’s no point in putting what little energy i have in to things because every time i do there is no pay off. 

i feel like i depend too much on other people. i never really received much attention growing up, i always feel the need to cater to people so i’m not ignored. a significant portion of the last academic year i spent entirely alone in flat accommodation, and i don’t think i’ve been the same since. i cling to people so much i’m so afraid of being alone again. i want people to say they care about me i want to be told i’m loved.

i need to learn to love myself but it’s so hard knowing everything about myself and feeling like nobody actually cares about me. it’s like a constant one sided conversation where you can talk and talk but nobody actually cares to process what you’re saying. like trying to speak in a group but being utterly ignored. you need both sides of a conversation to not feel lonely; to feel cared about.

i don’t know if i’ll ever feel okay in my body. everything about it feels wrong and when people see me and say things about me, i won’t go into detail, i can’t help but feel gross and wrong. i want to rip off my skin and have my ideal self crawl out like some kind of weird butterfly metamorphosis.

i don’t know what the point of writing this is, i want to ask for help from those around me but i don’t want to drive them away. i don’t want to face loneliness again. i can’t keep going on with a smile on my face, pretending i’m okay. it takes so much energy that i just don’t have. i’m sorry