There is a decent amount to read so yea keep that in mind.

I have this marked as trigger warning because I wanna mention things that have happened for the best chance of getting a decent awnser but I am only gonna give a summary. First off got childhood trauma accompanied by some memory repression, parental neglect. I dissociate and have sorta diagnosed BPD (therapist said I had a lot of sighns but could not be diagnosed until I was 18) and this happened when i was 12. and only reason that was given for me not having adhd is having good grades even though I had a lot of symptoms at the time and this happened at about 6-7 years old (trauma happened around the time period of 7-8 years old so I really don't remember much of then). Also 8 have gender dysphoria so yea that's a thing. Also I feel like I should also mention that I get some of my behaviors from cats because they paid a lot of attention to me unlike my parents when I was like 4-5 years old.

Before you read the next 3 paragraphs I doubt they are the same thing so keep that in mind, also it would be nice to get an awnser to each but honestly even one would be interesting to have an awnser to.

Now onto the actual question, I have a weird thing where emotions are represented by textures and such so happy is squishy, stress is like my throat is being crushed, anger hard like a rock, pain is like being stabbed with a needle or spike depending on how much it hurts, and sadness is wet. Comfort is fluffy like a cloud or hair. When I feel any of these emotions I do not actively feel these textures but when I think about my emotions these are what appears. However I do feel these emotions when I do feel a texture or somthing so squishing somthing makes me happy and punching a wall makes me more angry but also relives it for a net 0. Bring wet makes me sad while being covered in water makes me sad and think about a lot of bad stuff. Again I got dysphoria so showers are not fun as you may imagine.

For the second weird thing I have somthing I dubbed the "seeds system". Basically if I have a freind they get entered into it. There are cages with locks that have seeds. The condition of the seed reflects how likely I am to fall for them and the cage being closed means I have not fallen for then while it being open means I have. The cages cab have different forms depending on if and why I don't want to fall for them. There are also locks, there is a main golden lock that has a actual key unlike the rest of the locks and there is only one key. The specifics of the other locks don't matter to this but If there are no locks on a cage then it opens and the seed is allowed to actually grow. The seed represents my love for the person.

Finally there is luna and yoriko. They are not personalities or voices, they stem from me talking to myself a lot because I was lonely so I talked to myself like it was someone else to talk about my copious amounts of problems in early childhood. Eventually what I talked to felt like someone else and became a way to sort through what I was really feeling about somthing.

Do you guys have any clue what this is?