I’m feeling so much derealization/depersonalization right now. Like I’m really stressed and also I’ve repressed my stress for so many years that i literally cannot handle even the tiniest bit of stress. Like i know there are lots of kids in my grade who are always stressed and still get good grades and do sports and all that shit and I’m just here. Laying in bed because it’s better to do nothing than to feel. As a HSP it’s really hard to be numb because if directly conflicts and contradicts numbness. But here I am, running away from my emotions because everything hurts so badly all the time. I just feel everything so deeply, like a soap opera or kdrama. Every emotion is super heightened and dragged out for episodes. That’s what my life is like. It hurts so much and I just want it to go away. And it fucking won’t. 

So uh if anyone else wants to front be my goddamn guest. You can do whatever you want. Take a shower, put on makeup, exercise, eat something, start cooking even though it’s 2:35 in the morning. I really don’t care, have at it. I don’t care if I’m going to be too tired to move out of bed for a week afterwards. Wow. We got a lot of shit to unpack, here. Osdd1b, chronic fatigue, depression, insomnia, addicted to electronics (like no exaggeration). Damn. I’m so fucked up?? Like shit why aren’t I in a mental hospital already? 

I always feel so alone because no one understands how I feel. They always talk about anxiety but I can’t relate. They talk about suicidal thoughts but not plans, not attempts. They talk about depression but they don’t mean depression. I find it so hard to find those who understand me because I feel everything on such a deep level. I just feel so isolated and i want to cry but I don’t want to cry. 

 I don’t want to hurt anymore.