It takes so much to cover up the pain I feel

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I just want to be happy again

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All I ask is for a normal day

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All I want is a beautiful sunrise

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All I want is to yawn

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But in moments like this I think of younger days

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So high my problems go away

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And I think back to when I was truly happy

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It takes so much to get here, to the peace

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It takes so much but it's worth it for the moment, to be myself again

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Because when I'm stoned, that's the only time the real me comes out, and I've been fighting so hard to come back to my body but the ravenous being that's killing me has taken over, and I can't escape, and I want to break free

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I usually think about drugs, and dying, and things like that

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And I usually fight with my family and resent my friends

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But now I think back to saying I love you to my family, and to having fun with my friends, and remembering when I could feel raw emotion

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I've been getting closer to the edge, my sanity is paper thin, who knows if I'll be alive in a few months or a few years, cause all I do sober is think about suicide and more potent drugs. I get closer every day. Maybe I'll make an attempt at either one day. 

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Cause my brain is fixed right now, when I'm so high, but, when I'm not, when I'm being ravaged by the demon that controls my mind and body, all I lean towards is self destruct and never growth

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And it's sad that this is the only time I get to be freee. I'm here. I'm telling you this is the real me, I'm here, and I never get to speak, I'm actually talking. Depression is a horrible disease. It's like a waking coma where somebody else who isn't you takes over your body, and everyone sees you at your worst, and some people only know you for your worst. It's so devastating.

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 But I'm so happy to be here and to share moments like this with you all. Though the mind of my demon is corrupt and filled with hate anger and despair, I know the real me, and I am filled with light to shine, and love to spread

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And though the demon inside me tries to tell me I have an ugly body and a rotten soul, I know the truth, that I am beautiful on the outside and magnificent on the inside, and the same is true for you. I love you all. I hope this isn't the last time the real me speaks to you. I hope the real me doesn't die. Also, for what it's worth, when everybody leaves me, it is helpful to know that God loves me, and I have one more reason to live and one more shoulder to lean on. Thank you for lending me your ear. Hopefully we all get better soon and are cured of this horrible illness.