I’m pretty good at hiding how depressed I am, I’ve never said anything that would make anyone suspect it and it includes my mom, but she hugged me like she rarely does today, just when I felt particularly suicidal. I cried out of nowhere several times today, I had no appetite, I kept telling myself I had no reason to stay, thinking about how my life is a mess right now... and it’s like she felt it.

Things like this have happened before. Something heartwarming/a good new always happens to me when I feel miserable, except that it’s always the same thing : I have hope again, I think my life will finally get better, and it does… but only for a few weeks, and then I dive back into depression even harder than before after things go back to shit. This never ending circle is so cruel. It’s like the universe doesn’t want me to kill myself just so I can stay and be in pain again and again and again. I have a taste of hope and happiness and it’s taken away from me right away.