My ex wife walked out on me 3 years ago, and we got divorced a couple of years ago. My therapist told me I was making progress, even if I couldn’t see it. I was going to the gym, spending time with family, eating right, getting sunlight, etc. On the surface it did seem I was doing ok. I wasn’t. I’m doing worse these days. 

I want to make change in my life. I can’t seem to. I’ve always had depression and anxiety, but these days I pretty much wake up every morning with tightness in my chest, shaking and fidgeting. I stay in bed until the last possible minute until I absolutely have to get up to make it to work on time. 

I miss my ex a little less all the time, but I feel more and more alone. I’m having to move out of my current place, and I’m thinking I’m going to live in my car for a while. It’s embarrassing for my roommates to see me in this depressed state. I don’t take care of myself. My appearance changed a lot the last few years. I lost a lot of weight, and I just look tired. I hate seeing myself in the mirror. 

I work and sleep. Aside from going for a walk most days, that’s pretty much it. Music used to be a serious hobby for me, but I haven’t done anything with it in this time. I’ve put in consistent over time for the last couple of years. I’m forcing myself to take a vacation in a couple of weeks, but I can’t decide what to do. Partly because I hate the thought of spending any money. Seriously. Spending money make me feel guilty and insecure. That and being by myself is difficult, which is why I work all the time. 

I’m not doing ok. I want my brain to switch off. I’m tired of feeling pain, sadness and anxiety. I don’t eat much or healthy, sleep is difficult, I don’t take care of myself, and I have brain fog. I feel stuck, but everything keeps moving forward past me. I don’t see my life improving. I’ve fallen apart, and I’m unable to put myself back together. If I could be anywhere right now, it would be in my old hammock in the backyard, petting my dog.