Hey people! 

I don't know where to start really but I thought about venting a little out here maybe would encounter someone who would listen, best case scenario, reach out. 

So I have been severely depressed for more than three years now due to so many failures and hiccups I had experienced in life so far, that instead of forging and empowering my personality, the only deed they had done to me is to drag me down. 

Going from joblessness, to my mom's aliment and age to our very destitute financial state, these all drove me to the abyss. 

I have been drowned into darkness since and to me there is no way out, each day is a dreary reality. Trying to keep face though, I am trying to flip some articles online that keep my head above the water and be somehow independent, even though, I am not as half as the word might insinuate. 

Everything that used to be a breeze for me is now so darn challenging, my pulse keeps racing everytime I am about to do something that used to be so ordinary, walking into a store is tough, saying Hi to someone is even worse, plus, I can't stand for myself, can't defend myself and can't interact normally, I have been a pushover, very pliable person and meek. I developed this gruesome habit of thinking and overthinking and thinking again all into to come up with the most dark-pitch scenarios you could ever tell. Now even so much worse, I can no longer articulate and say what I have to say even in my mother tongue, everything comes out very distorted, can't phrase a sentence without being challenged. Basically, I have no social life outside of my little family except for two friends that I thank the odds that I have met them, although, I have never been open to tell them what is my life feels like.

Lately, destiny decided that I can study for a master's degree program this year which I thought it is a bless and maybe a way to break out from this cycle and really looked up to it but here I am ramming against that big, thick wall of anxiety, cowardness and shame, the last straw that during a presentation I could not withstand the pressure and broke up in tears in front of everybody, tears, a cascade I might add that I have never experienced in my entire life, i couldn't stop crying, it felt like a big load was released in the most impressively embarrassing manner. Couldn't explain myself, some of my classmates were quite kind tbh, although, for me, it still resonates within and it is festering this heck of injury.

Today, a lame fart who btw was the closest classmate that I have in this class, tried to get under my skin and provoked me by that and felt very very resentful although I have been nothing but nice to him even going the extra mile on a couple of occasions. This time I stood against it, thankfully. 

 
Thank you those of you who read this, i really appreciate it if you want to get in touch, be best buds, don't hesitate!!