First of all sorry for the walk of text, for anyone that reads it all, thank you so much.


Cliffs:
- I’m fairly sure she has undiagnosed BPD
- Her father was abusive and violent towards her mom, they split, and it ended up in him taking his own life 5 years ago
- One week ago she found out her older brother wanted to end his life as well
- She has broken up with me probably 10 times just this year
- We both love each other, but our communication has been an issue
- I stood up for myself as the way she was treating me was terrible
- She apologized for the first time, and cried for the first time ever
- I said some very very hurtful words that I should’ve never said, she got hurt even more
- I tried apologizing for my behavior, she said she needed time
- I want us to be happy together and work through our relationship
- need advice and input..


Now to start this off, we have an absolutely stunning relationship 90% of the time, the other 10% is pure hell. I’ve been trying to read up on BPD for a while now and I’ve realized that she has without a doubt some form of BPD. 

Our current issue that lead us to where we are now is this;
We’ve been in absolute bliss for 3 weeks or so after she came back after breaking up with me agaaaain. For these 3 weeks she has been basically living at my place and staying over each day and just being the perfect girlfriend. We we’re having tons of fun and really enjoyed each other (this is the first time we’ve ever stayed this much together). Now 4-5 days ago she started to act out again, everything I said was wrong, everything I did was wrong, no matter what I said or did was wrong. It didn’t help, nothing did. She was on and off all the time.

Come this weekend and we had planned to go together and meet my friends at a Halloween party that we had planned for a week before. The night before the party she said that she wanted to sleep in her own bed since she felt like we were hanging out a lot. I said fine and went home and slept at my place. So around 16:00 the next day I gave her a call and asked her if she wanted to come over and make ourselves ready for the party, she was fuuuuming and pissed of that I called her “this late” when according to her we were supposed to meet up early that morning and get ready together, this we hadn’t discussed at all. Mind you that the party wasn’t starting before 19:00. I tried my best to soothe her and tell her that we still have time, apologizing and just trying to understand her. She was having none of it.

She had been acting weird and extremely nasty towards me for 4-5 days and I was starting to really get upset, almost as if I was a dog getting kicked in the corner of a wall and not knowing what to do with myself. She said that she might even drop the whole party and that I should go alone and that I should just get my costume and go alone. I was trying my best, my very best to just finding a solution, offering everything I have, even begging her to go with me. She said: “I’ll think about it”, then I just told her to tell me “yes or no” after begging her for 46 minutes straight, when she said “no” I instantly hung up the phone.

She called me and I ignored, sending me text messages and saying “I was actually fixing my makeup and getting ready but now I won’t even go”. I ignored her, she was calling me probably 24 times total. I answered and she was crying her lungs out, for the first time ever during our 12 month relationship she was crying, at this point I was so hurt, so frustrated and in such a rage. I was shouting, attacking her verbally, and was just so upset with her.

She was apologizing and telling me she didn’t know why she acted like this, she didn’t know why she tried to push my buttons and annoy me, and that she wanted to go to the party and begged me to go. I calmed down somewhat and said I’ll go with her if she tells me why she has been this nasty towards me for the past week, and she was crying and crying and telling me she couldn’t, she never speaks about her problems, but that got me even more angry and I demanded to know (I know how bad this was, I know I fucked up majorly by demanding it).

I go to her house, she’s still crying, I try to soothe her, after me getting angry again she tells me that her older brother wanted to commit to end his life and that she’s sad because of that. I said we’d drop the party and I’d be here for her, but she wanted to go. She was silent and didn’t do much out of herself, she was limiting herself and doing stuff in a way as if she was scared and didn’t want me to get mad again. I was being loving towards her and trying my best to be there for her.

Next day she’s not saying anything, she’s being completely silent, as if she’s in automatic mode and just being indifferent. I got frustrated, and she went home, I called her on the phone and was asking her that what she said was a lie the day before? If she truly was sorry for how she’s been, and she got nasty with me and she said she was unsure if she wanted to be with me. I got mad and told her I’m done, this time I’m done with you. 

Hung up, sent her a message to deliver all her stuff. Went there was pissed of even more and she saw that and asked me to calm down, I couldn’t, I was hurt. Went home and she sent me messages telling me she was sorry and apologizing and saying she didn’t mean for us to end like this. I was being really nasty towards her and I forgot she had a book her at my place, told her I’d give it in at a pick-up point and that I never wanted to see her again. I even told her she needed to get help for her mental issues and that her trauma as a child wasn’t any reason for her to be so nasty towards me and destroying me. She split and got super furious and told me I’m the worst human being.

Come the next day and I’ve calmed down, I apologized and offered to return her book personally. Went over there to her house and I completely broke down. Like having difficulty speaking and just crying, because I love her so much and I didn’t mean to hurt her, I know she feels alone and that she has a difficulty opening up, and the first time she opened up I reacted in that way was terrible. I was going through a lot of personal issues as well which I didn’t share with her even though I was the one always saying we needed to communicate etc.. Either way I said I was sorry and that I really didn’t mean to hurt her and that all I ever wanted was for us to be happy together. She said that right now she just needed time..

I love this girl and want her so badly, and we both fucked up this time. More so me than her, but I told her I wanted to be there for her and everything.. I don’t know how to fix this one, I don’t know what needs to be done. I really need some perspective and help. And my anger issue is something I haven’t seen in years, I also have a very traumatic abusive childhood, and I’m going to start with therapy again this Friday. But I love this girl to death and I only want us to be happy together. We are 90% off the time loving and happy, the other 10% is filled with miscommunication which leads us down to a destructive path like this. I think this time we both understood the real importance of a clear communication, but I’m afraid it is too late?

I don’t have BPD, but I do have PTSD. And she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, but she checks up off all the BPD traits and I’m more than sure she has it. But she refuses to speak help.. 


Thank you for reading all the way through this, your input is welcome. I know most of you will say this relationship is doomed and that we’ll probably never work out together, but for every time we have gone through something bad we’ve always evolved more and understood each other a lot more and become a lot stronger together. It’s sad that we have to go through something this hurtful to evolve, but we’re both at blame and we both love each other.