it kinda really sucks!  i find myself constantly embarassing myself on facebook, without realizing what im doing till after the fact. and yet i feel such a need to continue saying things, like im some sort of twisted artist that can't not put on a show on my newsfeed, i just have to. i need to speak or forever hold my peace. but now i just want to delete it and be done for good. because if i dont delete it ill keep posting.  ive already deleted it 3 times and made a new one assuming a fresh start will change me and it doesnt.  i cant get over lost loves, i cling to people from afar, i guess i have favorite persons but its more like affections that aren't reciprocated in the way i want but i cant accept that even though im trying to.  to the point that i feel they've threatened me subtly and yet i still continue pushing the boundaries, but its all subtlety, or its glaringly apparent and not subtle at all, im not sure which is worse.  no glaringly apparent is worse, its definitely worse. im a fucking fool.  i dont want to be me at all.  so i dissociate and forget all those realizations that...hey they were probably wrong right? i was probly just overthinking right? right? what i mean is, im pretty sure the realizations are not wrong, and are in fact right, but i am wrong to say they are wrong.  so real life is too real and i dont want to be me and i cant socialize without failure because i cant get close without failure and embarassment or fear of it.  and some part of me seems to enjoy driving them away and then playing coy like i have no idea what i did, because i actually block out what i probably did in my own mind to the point that i actually wonder if i really did anything at all or was just overthinking.  then i wonder if im really smart or really socially dumb.   super fun stuff :D i want to stomp my own head into a curb. im overdramatic and i realize im overdramatic, which just further makes me feel like a fool, yet i keep perpetuating the mistakes i fail to change.  i try to change the words i say but they give off the same unintended consequences.  i try to change my personality. its awful.  and people think i just need to get over it and yadda yadda yadda like thats fucking possible its fucking not. but then i start believing their right and seeing it from their point of view and judging everyone with mental illness as something to get past through simply positive thinking simply pretending im somehow exempt from that. i cant even realize and stand by the fact that its not possible. mainly cuz i dont want to give up and say i have some disease, some incurable horrid thing. rant over. i need a mindset shift but the only shift i know how to do is into ignorance and pretending its all fine when i eventually have another harsh realization that its not fine and im an impulsive ruthless cold idiot. course im not even borderline, my doctor diagnosed me with AvPD and probably aspergers/high functioning retardation--i mean autism look i made a fucking joke lol im so funny. im sure im borderline tho, despite not any 'real' self harm. 