Really struggling with how to distinguish between my BPD and my true feelings lately. There's so many things I don't know. I feel like I've been manipulated, gaslighted, lied to... but with this illness who knows what the reality is?

Here's what I know: my fiancé has classic bipolar and chronic health issues but won't go to the doctor. We moved to a new town together last summer for my career, and he's been talking about getting a job for a year but hasn't sent a single application. I've paid all of his bills... even when I was on medical leave and missed a month of pay. 

When we argue, he sometimes just gets... mean. He tells me he doesn't trust me, that I'm overreacting, and when I try to explain why I was upset he says that I'm making things up, I don't care about him and I'm just going to leave him anyway. He talks about feeling worthless and suicidal but it feels like he doesn't even want to do anything to work on it. 

But when we're not fighting, he says he loves me more than anything, he wants to be together forever. We've had a lot of happy times. He's smart, and funny, and when he's in a good mood, he can be so gentle and sweet. 

I know I love him. I was ready to marry him. I just wish I could trust myself. Am I making it up when I'm upset? When does the bad outweigh the good? Right now I'm just afraid that I'm only staying with him because I'm scared of being on my own.