tw verbal abuse and some sexual stuff 

last night i had probably the worst mental breakdown i’ve ever had and it would’ve been worse if i didn’t have to be quiet bc my mom was sleeping next door. this guy who blocked me about 2 years ago reconnected with me like 6 months ago and things were going great and we even decided to see where things went if we started to date but long story short he pulled away and shit went south. i was so upset and devastated about him ignoring me i blew up his phone multiple times just to blow off steam and let him know how upset he’d been making me. i was so upset about it failing that i contemplated suicide many times and i told him that because it was the truth but he spun it to his advantage, making it seem like i was threatening suicide when i never did, at least in my eyes. whatever i apologized but he wasn’t having it and after a few more times of blowing up at him, two weeks ago he eventually blocked me in the same way he did two years ago which was absolutely the worst thing i’ve ever experienced. 

on valentine’s day i texted a mutual friend begging him to send the guy a text of everything i felt after he blocked me and he did. the guy who blocked me responded that he “wasn’t comfortable talking to me anymore” bc of the suicide thing and that i was being selfish. whatever. i feel like the victim in this but okay. 

the mutual friend is someone who’s flirted with me/sexted me when i wasn’t talking to the guy who blocked me but we fell off over the past 7-8 months. in that time he’s gotten a gf and that infuriates me bc i hate when my previously single friends who’d commiserate with me about being lonely get into a relationship and become the happiest ppl on earth. so i verbally abused him and even told him to cheat on his gf and that i was more important than her bc i’ve known him longer and anyway his gf’s like 18 (we’re in our mid twenties).los last night he blocked me too and i lost it. i self harmed big time. 

i’ve had similar falling-outs with other friends, namely my ex who became my friend for years after we broke up. when he got a gf i became infuriated and threatened to kill myself and hurt his gf so he blocked me also. 

i’m not excusing my abusive behavior one bit but this is awful for me to not really be able to control, i get so mad bc i’m single and everyone else is in a relationship and i lash out at them bc i don’t understand why they get to have something i’ve wanted for so fucking long. why do they get to be happy? why can’t i? all i want is a relationship i don’t want to “work on myself” bc other ppl don’t need to work on themselves before getting into relationships, there’s plenty of fucked up partnerships out there. i’m so tired of being so abusive to everyone and ruining all my relationships.