My man and I just moved into a new apartment 30 something miles away from his family and our home town. Well, his home town.

We have electricity, running water but no internet (I have to use my mobile data very sparingly), so of course, I'm in my head.


Yesterday was our anniversary of 2 years. He wasn't here for it because he's working until his last day and staying with his parents to do so. I'm over here manning the fort, and omg, my BPD and Anxiety are through the fucking roof.

The new town we moved to is literally 1.2 miles long and has a population of just a smidge over 1000 people. There is nothing to do here unless you really like drinking (there's 4 bars and hotels), or you like doing drugs. This town has a serious cocaine and heroine problem. So much so, that almost ALL but 8 shoppes on the high street are gone.

There are over 10 empty for rent spaces for businesses. We have a Tops, a Dollar General and a Family Dollar. That's it.

And the public library doesn't open until fucking Tuesday and I'm losing my mind.


So, Hubs comes to see me today with his mother, because we don't own a car, and what do I do? Get into it over text message with him before he gets here. Oh god. Fuck up number 1.



HE WALKS IN THE DOOR WITH FLOWERS (fake ones, because I was worried about the intense heat killing real ones...he's incredibly thoughtful), and comes to hug me and it happens.

We start fighting and arguing, IN FRONT OF HIS MOM. This is the first time we've gotten into it like that IN HER PRESENCE. This goes on for nearly an hour. It's hot, I'm sick (one ear full of fluid ugh), he's being mean and I'm wound up and it isn't deescalating. She says it's a good time to leave because nothing is being solved, so she goes to the car for a smoke.


We nearly broke up in front of her. Both of said some extremely hurtful things. She said we're both pathetic for being so petty, and if we can't come together then we need to split, and just...I feel so incredibly guilty.



I went into an almost immediate meltdown as I was calming down and smoking myself. I sobbed and couldn't stop til just a while ago. This is hard.

Being alone in a new town with nothing to do, nowhere to go, my Fiance elsewhere, reminds me of all the incarcerations in hospitals and psych wards and RTFs I went through. I'm completely alone. It's terrifying, and boring and lonely and I completely blew up on him and took it out on him and I NEVER EVER want to do that again.


I know it's healthy to fight sometimes, and do so in a constructive manner, but knock down drag outs like that are not. It doesn't happen too often, but we've caught ourselves wondering if this is right, if we're settling for each other, if we're toxic together etc. It's been a hard relationship from the start.

He has 2 kids he never gets to see because the mom is alienating them. She won't even let anyone talk about him while she's around because that's "taboo" to her. He pays his child support diligently. He's not a dead beat. He's a good guy.

They're still married because she refuses to sign divorce papers. It's a combination of spite and laziness. She's said she doesn't bring those kids over because of me, and I've heard her friend say she won't sign the papers so he can't marry me.


Our living situation and personal lives were made public through this psycho and just....I'm so done.


I love him. Deeply, I do.


I fucking REALLY regret today. I should have been hugging and kissing him and saying thank you for my flowers and instead...I'm so stupid. My birthday is next week, and he won't be here for that either because of work. I feel so isolated and alone and forgotten. I know I'm not, but, it's hard to shake that feeling.



He's coming for 2 days on Tuesday morning, to spend his days off with me. He wants me to surprise him with some romance. I'm not even sure I know what romance is after what I did to him today.


I'm hurt and I'm embarrassed and I can't even imagine how I made him feel. He understands. We made up and he apologized too, but...what the fuck do I do now? I don't want him to come over to have me fight at him again. I don't want him to be the target of my aggression and emotions. I don't want to take him for granted anymore...


This man is the love of my life. I've known and loved him for 20 years. He is my best friend.




Someone please help me... u.u