Hello everyone, I just need to talk.

I'm 28 now and I've been dealing with an extreme amount of pain. I was around 8 when it happened. It's the only thing I can remember from that time and it's grown with me until adulthood. My parents took me out of therapy for it since the therapist wouldn't tell them what I was saying.


But I unfortunately as a child, walked in on my dead grandmother. I remember the feel of the carpet, the layout of the home...everything. I was suppose to stay for the weekend with my grandparents. So being a child I ran up to her room. She was laying to her side. I remember the feel of her shirt, the way the room was set up...I kept screaming for her to wake up. She had a stroke in her sleep and later on in life my parents admitted she wasn't fully gone and could probably hear me. I relive this day in my dreams more often then I want to. I watch the little girl run up the stairs and scream...it drives me crazy.

Then 3 years later my grandfather went on Christmas day. My parents didn't tell me and instead sent me out to the movies so they could remove him from the house. I never got to say goodbye. I watched him being buried with no support around until years later. No one really knew how bad this affected me.

I went to therapy for about 3 weeks before I was pulled out. I'm not use to talking about this, it was used against me once in a really terrible way. So I've kept quiet for years about it.

I've been suffering and trying to understand my own feelings about everything. Sometimes I'm fully here and sometimes I'm not. It feels like I'm watching myself. After I come out of that state I can't remember a thing. It keeps getting worse to the point where my memory feels like it's disappearing. Ive been dealing with the anger too, which makes me black out. I've tried twice in my life to leave, because my mind tells me it'll be more peaceful with them instead of this world. 

I didn't have them to protect me anymore, with both my parents fighting in front of me every single day. About money, their relationship...a kid should be put in the middle like that. I was verbally abused and always wondered why I had to be the target. To this day I always catch myself saying sorry for things that I didn't even do. Loud noises, sudden movements scare the ever living shit out of me. It triggers a fight or flight in me. 

I am seeking help as soon as I get health insurance because I'm stuck in my own mind and I want to be semi free from the prison its been keeping me in. I just needed to talk. I've been feeling really bad lately. I try not to let this get in my way, but I'm feeling really crippled by these feelings