

As someone profoundly sceptical of western medicine when it comes to mental health, I was recently faced with no choice but to try Abilify. 

I’ve been in and out of the hospital for over 2 years, I realised I will die if nothing changes. And so, about 5 weeks ago I started on Abilify. Initially, it triggered a hypomania which I had the sanity to put to good use, for painting. I didn’t go out, spend money or act on hypersexuality. I understood at the time that the best thing for me is to lock myself in a room and paint until I start sleeping and eating agains. Having this type of overarching sanity felt weird at first and I was half-waiting for things to crash. 

Then when the hypo subsided, I felt stability for the first time in my life. Like literally, IN MY LIFE, I remember being hypomanic around the age of 6, and probably before that. 

So the stability… you guys. It feels like nothing can push me out of control but I can feel emotions, I didn’t gain weight although my appetite is much better these days, my libido is normal again, I can nap (!!!!!), my urges to self-medicate are low to nil which I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT BELIEVE. It’s like it’s the same me every day when I wake up. I am not disassociated but present (meditation does help but it wasn’t enough on its own, no matter how much I strive to be stoic, sadly).  

And yeah, I’ve made some, dare I say, sage decisions in my life since and just couldn’t be happier. This is the first time I also experience happiness that is not fuelled by manically looking forward to something in the future or gloating about something from the past, but purely appreciating the state of the affairs as they are. 

This is the 2nd mood stabiliser I am on so I guess I am lucky, but the message I want to transmit more than anything is- please don’t stop trying. Efficiency of all the stabilisers is quite low statistically, meaning, it’s a numbers game. If one doesn’t work, don’t hesitate to try something else. I never ever thought this would be possible, and I am 34 so quite late in life.

Good luck, I really hope everyone finds something that works!!