Sometimes I feel like I have OCD(not trying to self diagnose). But it feels like every month I have new obsessive thoughts and it’s usually a cycle. Last month I was having very violent intrusive thoughts and I hated them. I knew I wasn’t a person who would do those things. Before that I was obsessing over mental illnesses. I was worried I was schizophrenic and my body gave me false perceptions of hallucinating(I wasn’t). I was in constant fear of having psychosis. Then the month before that when I just got out of drug addiction I was constantly worried I had brain damage from drugs. The month before that I had extreme health anxiety and always compulsively searched up possibly having a health condition from cancer to parasites. The month before that was germs. I would spend 4 hours cleaning because I was afraid of getting sick. 

This month what triggered my obsessive thoughts was we watched a teen dating violence video. There was a teenager who had similar issues to me specifically major depressive disorder. However, when his GF broke up with him he snapped and murdered her. Now I’m scared that could be me. What if I snap? I have depression? Does that mean I’ll hurt someone else? I’ve seen so many things on the news that links depression to violence. Like a lot of school shooters were lonely and depressed. This guy was lonely depressed. Now I’m scared that I’ll snap it’s all I can’t think about. I don’t have anger issues. But In most of these cases they were perfectly normal to the outside world but flew into a rage randomly. I have mental health issues I’m scared that I’ll end up like these guys. I’ve seen so much stuff that links mental health to violence. I refuse to talk about my issues because I’m scared someone will think I’m a violent person. But I try to be the nicest person I possibly can to everyone. Usually to the point where I let ppl walk all over but whatever. I still love helping ppl and be caring as possible. But I can’t get these intrusive thoughts that I will be the next person to snap. But at the same time ik I wont. But it’s making me feel really disturbed and upset.