I believe I might be suffering from delusions of reference? I suffer with these delusions. And let me explain how it ended up biting me in the behind. For years, I have based everything on it being a “sign” for me. Or meant for me. And I’m only talking about fictional stories, from video games and anime, and movies. Nothing from religious texts.

Well, living 30 years like this used to be fun. Getting over excited about a video games story, and thinking “wow! this is sooo relatable to what I’m going through! this was meant for me.” 

this was fun for years, thinking everything was meant for me. And it made that game feel “more special” to me than others because I believed it was meant for me. 

Until one day, I played a game during a time when I was getting intrusive thoughts (OCD) about my religion.

And now it went from everything being a sign my whole life, to
“wait, I don’t want this to be a sign or meaning” due to how horrific it is and how it goes completely against my religious and life outlook / beliefs

Now, I have become obsessed with this. I have tried ERP for it because I thought it was only OCD, but it feels like it’s something more than just that.

So now instead of getting excited when I see “similarities” in a video game story, or anime, instead of getting excited over it, I get terrified because it reminds me of the one time I felt like not accepting a “sign” from a video game story I played, due to it supporting my intrusive thoughts I had during that time.

I began taking Risperidone just this week, my doctor prescribed it to me.  

How do I recovery from living my whole life thinking every thing I read or saw in these fictional video game or anime stories were a sign, but the one time when a “sign” happened and it went against my core belief, I rejected this “sign” but it won’t let me go. It keeps screaming at me to figure it out. It keeps wanting me to believe in it the way I did before with “signs” from fictional stories my whole life. And it calls me a hypocrite for believing in signs before in my life, but not this one time when it went against my core beliefs.

I feel so trapped.

Even when I now see things like a familiar name appear in a video game or anime, I panic, and I hear voices telling me that this is further proof of the sign you are rejecting, the one that went against your core life/religious beliefs.

I’ve always thought video game stories, anime stories, movies, all had special meanings for me. Like I was meant to watch it at that exact time in my life and it was advice I was meant to hear right then. But the one time I decided to reject “a sign” was when I played a game that fed into some intrusive thoughts that went against my core beliefs.

And now since then, it’s been a living hell. I keep being reminded of it. I keep being told it’s a sign. I keep being told I can’t accept the truth. I keep being told I’m a hypocrite for accepting “signs” all my life, but not this one. I keep being told it was meant for me to play that game during that time, and for me to hear that games story and the way it goes against my core religious beliefs. 

It’s a nightmare when I try to go back to enjoying video game stories or anime stories. Because I can’t even focus on the story. I’m just being reminded of the one time I rejected a “sign” from a video game story. And when I see other similarities in them, I panic because the thoughts remind me about the one time I didn’t feel like accepting “a sign”