Ive had severe mental issues my entire life when it comes to school and learning so college was never much an option for me even though I dreamed of going. I really wanted to learn and make friends that would last a lifetime. I remember when I was in elementary school I dreamed of playing sports for school and having a bunch of friends and being happy. 

I wanted to be a Marine Biologist my entire life but a lifetime of constant trauma fucked me up hard and dropped me at adulthood. The friends I had have all moved on with their lives going to college out of state, some getting married, making close friends, living life. Then you look at me, I have a great job and a good amount of money for my age. I still live with my mom because property is stupid expensive but I’m just so lonely. 

I feel hollow every day of my life but I know as soon as I get into a social situation I clam up and try to avoid it. Every part of me is screaming to go out and make friends, maybe find a girlfriend, but it also screams at me to just stay home. I’ve always been inconsistent and I hate it so much but as soon as I go to therapy to try to fix myself I don’t want to talk and just want to leave. 

I just avoid my problems until they either get so bad I can’t deal with them or get someone else to do it for me. I just feel like a little puppet being strung along by others, dancing when I’m played with but otherwise I sit on the floor my body too heavy to move and wrapped up in string.