    Trigger Warnings - Death, Cancer, Self-Harm, Drugs, Suicide and Drugs.

    I was adopted. My father had cancer when my brother was a baby and became infertile.
    My father had cancer again when I was around 7. Was pretty traumatized, but was ok with thoughts of how I’d grow up with only my mom with me and sort of accepted it as fate.
    My mom was diagnosed with cancer in my first year of secondary school (13yo). Uncurable, only stabilized for 3 years, and she passed at age 51. She suffered. I was not good to her or the rest of my family since the diagnosis. My father and I haven’t gotten along at all since.
    I struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts around age 16, started seeing a therapist.
    Family doctor gave me antidepressants, I have generalized anxiety disorder and severe major depression.

    I’m now age 18 and I finally get to request treatment in mental health.
    I’m admitted to the ER and diagnosed BPD after calling 811 after a morning of feeling extremely unwell. Answers a lot of questions.
    I’m sent to crises center (most hellish days of my life, all days included) for 10 days.
    I begin escorting.
    Few months later, I call 911 on my father after he finds out about the escorting.
    Few hours after they leave, first suicide attempt. I wake up at the hospital.
    Sent to transitional unit in mental health facility.
    I move in to my uncle’s.

    I’m currently at my uncle’s, trying to find a new place to move into.
    Still escorting. Still going to school.
    I’m on Effexor and Quetiapine.
    I tried cocaine. I smoke weed occasionally. I still drink. I still like cocaine.
    I’m only seeing a social worker every other week and my family doctor. I feel unsafe.
    Still 18 and still alive. Not strong and not steady.