Lately, I've been thinking of ending things. I can't see how things will get better for me and I feel it's far too late to try and salvage the dreams I had when I was younger. Let me explain...

When I was little, I wanted to be a game designer. It's literally all I wanted to do. I would make games in elementary, middle, and high school with rules and conditions, environments, characters, and backstories. I would play games not just for fun, but for studying. Understanding the ins and outs of the game, and eventually trying and teaching myself how to implement those mechanics. I have a wild imagination and didn't want it to go to waste. Despite being homeless multiple times as a kid, not having electricity or food to eat, I held on to these dreams. Hell, I even knew what company I wanted to work for. This was the only reason I felt I needed to graduate high school. I knew what college I wanted to go to. This was a meticulous plan I build upon for over a decade. So what happened...

In my last semester of high school, I went to live with my father because I couldn't be in the same shelter with my mother and sisters (I was 18 at the time). During this time I was able to finish high school and I had planned to go to community college, then transfer over to the same college I'd been planning on going to for a while. But a few weeks before I graduated, my father ask me what my plan was the day after I graduated. More so, how was I gonna eat, pay rent, etc. I was slightly confused because I was told NOT to get a job and just focus on school. So I was a bit perplexed and scare to actually tell him because I thought he was gonna kick me out.  

His "recommendation" was that I join the service, same as my brother. I swore off joining any branch because I already knew what I wanted to do with my life. But then he said if I didn't have a plan, he would institute his own plan. And the service was in his plan. I asked him flat out "Will you kick me out?". He replied, "There are plenty of people you can stay with". Unfortunately, I caved and started talking to recruiters and eventually enlisted in the military. The plan of staying for just the initial contract became a career spanning over ten years. I was 19 when I went in. 

Got out at the beginning of this year. I left because I felt myself falling deeper into depression as I got older. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time in, but it wasn't what I actually wanted. I never wanted this. I was ready to risk it all just to achieve my dreams when I graduated high school. But traded it for security and safety. So where did this lead me...

Using my military experience, I'm looking for a job, and I'm constantly getting rejected (I have a strong background in administration). I'm behind on all my bills and rent, barely surviving. On top of that, school isn't working out too well (hybrid online). And to be honest, I just look at my life as one big failure.

I look back and I fear it's far too late for me to follow that plan I'd made decades ago. To follow my dreams. I feel that anything I do towards that goal will take another decade to see the fruits of my labor or so, and I barely have enough willpower to make it through the day. And I don't see a point in me continuing living. I feel like my existence is a burden, and I'm very tired. Just very, very, tired. I sleep a lot. I barely eat, and when I do, it's usually just pizza rolls because it's easy on my pockets. 

I think I just wanted to tell this story before I go. I just hope that in my next life, I'm better.