i've always been socially anxious. never had great social skills and something about me always stood out like a sore thumb among others (school was one hell of a time).

bc of the bullying i endured at school, i switched to cyber school. i had online friends and used to attend concerts. ended up cutting out my old best friend because she never wanted to talk to me unless she needed something and always made me feel like an embarassment. that was my first time cutting someone out of my life. i was in 8th grade.

loneliness has always been a common theme in my life. people never want me around even though i try so hard to be there for them when they need it. nobody was ever there for me. i was never a first choice. shit, i felt honored  being a last resort or even an after thought.

in junior year of high school, i tried public school again for half a day. then the pandemic hit.

at that point, i'd already had my first (and abusive) relationship. then i made friends who only wanted me around to help with their homework. i entered another relationship with a guy who only wanted me for sex.

i cut everyone out that summer.

i promised myself i'd find new friends eventually.

but...whether it's because of fear or pure indifference, i didn't. i didn't actively seek out new connections.

before, i'd cry over my loneliness several times every day.

now, i just feel numb. "it is what it is," has become a common refrain in my mind.

i tried getting jobs, everything. whether it's because of my mental health issues or how i was raised or some other twist of fate, i have a hard time fitting in with others.

i eventually gave up. maybe it was subconscious since i still daydream about meaningful connections, but i stopped actively hoping for and seeking them out since they only lead to disappointment.

i've been isolated for so long that i don't even remember how to make online connections.