i slept from about 8 am until… now? 
my head hurts 
my heart hurts 
i’m so tired still. 

i haven’t had a break. i haven’t had time to heal. i’ve been dealing with so many traumas for nearly 2 decades. it hurts. im sick of it. if i could just have some divine cosmic entity grant me a 3 month stay at a holiday inn express maybe i could be a better member of society. but i just keep trying and pushing and repressing all day every day and it makes me such a toxic piece of shit. i don’t want to be a manifestation of my trauma. but i am. and it blows. i don’t see a positive outlook. i’m so pessimistic and it isn’t by choice. i want to be a better, whole, healed person.  

whatever

the endless cycle of trying and failing and trying and failing 

the fucking futility of it 

i’m over it but i can’t be over it 
i have to be here 
i have to be alive and doing my best but my best is no where near good enough 

sorry that i hurt people. i don’t want to. i just do.  i wonder if the people who hurt me wanted to. or just did.