With the accomplishments in my life, it's not all that bad. I did the things I wanted to do. I got married, completed a bachelor's degree, got a full time job that is great. I moved into a duplex, upgraded my college car to something nice and changed most of my wardrobe. I no longer live paycheck to paycheck. My spouse just graduated from college himself. It seems like things would be looking up. However, I still feel like a failure.... because I can't do the things to make my mom happy. 

Right after I got married, I realized how hard it was to keep a clean house and get homework done AND keep my 30 hour a week part-time job **AND** make it do the gym three times a week. So, I gained 15 lbs over my college experience. Yes, my mom HAD to let me know. I would proceed to gain another 15 lbs. Also, I wasn't cleaning my apartment the way she would prefer. In the early years of being married, my mom had to let me know how messy and disgusting my apartment was. To this day, she would probably think my house is f\*cking messy. Also, she would have preferred I stayed out of debt, to even buy a car or even go to school. As she was probably right, I unknowingly went into a 'massive' amount of credit card debt. It's credit card debt that my debt now would laugh at. As much as I tried, I couldn't pay it off and it was the start of most of my fights I had with my spouse but it was in his name. Also, at the time, she would constantly complain that I wasn't seeing her enough. Not to mention I was trying to find time workout, clean my apartment, pay off my credit card debt AND attend classes AND work at my part time job **AND** try to build a successful marriage with my partner. 

It just felt like nothing I could do would make her happy. So, I cut her out of my life. She is a toxic person so it was probably for the better. I actually probably can make her happy but her values and my values are different. I value my partner, my job, and, at the time of school, my education. I also value being able to come home and have the free time to do what I want. I made a decision a long time ago that I would rather put my values before hers. However, 20 years of being taught to act a certain way can't just be magically undone.

So, even if I look at my life and look at the things I wanted, I just see a fat, ugly, disgusting person who is a failure. I wish I could see something else but I can't.