I hope this is allowed as I'm not asking for a diagnosis, just help with what to do. Before you get into it, I just want advice on what you guys think I should do.  Im a 17f and I believe I have symptoms of quiet borderline. I resonate with a lot of aspects of it but whenever I go about talking to my mom about it, she always invalidates what I say. Of course I could be wrong but it hurts so much when I try to get a word in about it. I've recently started journaling when I experience a high or low so I can have "proof" of it. Of course I feel I fall under the quiet subtype so it's less obvious to others, I just hate how she plays devils advocate against the symptoms I resonate with. For example, being mean to others in a quiet way (source: verywellmind). She brought up how I get very aggressive with my siblings but my thought was arounds others, not my family. I'm technically diagnosed with major depressive disorder but I feel it doesn't feel 100% right cause I'm not always feeling the symptoms, they come and go more often than those diagnosed with it typically do. I had a psych eval with a doctor and they said (paraphrasing, in reference to the depression symptoms I have) "that's not enough." It really hurt the way she said it, but I think she's right. I don't really know where I was going with this so I'll just move on.

I've been on an SSRI and mood stabilizer for a little under a year and its definitely doing something. My mom says before the meds, I was always irrationally angry, upset, etc. But she never saw my "high" mood swings. Once I started the meds, she said I'm more easygoing and better to be around. But, I still feel everything the same when I'm alone, maybe a bit easier to handle. (CW) I still self harm and have extreme suicidal ideations, all that good stuff. I just don't know if it's working all that well if I still wanna die I guess. I know what you're thinking, bring this up to your doctor. I do but they always amount it to teenage hormones and depression. I fucking hate that nothing I feel is being taken seriously. Maybe it is just hormones but it doesn't make my will to live come the fuck back. ugh.

But, here's some of the journal entries if it helps with perspective or whatever. 

1. off meds 1 day. yo I just wanna die. I have literally everything going right for me but all i wanna do is die. I almost guarantee that in a few hours or tomorrow I'll be just fine, happy, excited, whatever. But i get into these shitty times where all i can think about is how i could kill myself. I'm so fucking tired. My dreams have been shit, i miss my ex so so fucking much even though he treated me like shit. I miss him in a comically painful way. Words can't fucking describe it. I sometimes think i might have quiet BPD, I'm not diagnosed, but my doctor and therapist don't think so, so i just stopped going to therapy cause they haven't really helped me. Ranting about my brain only does so much. I guess i just wanted to vent and maybe get advice.  
I post shit like this everytime I get into these headspaces, get good advice, and never do anything. I swear sometimes I don't even want to get better, i just wanna die. I'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder but it doesn't feel right. I'm on two meds, sertraline and buproprion, and they kinda help. My mom says she doesn't see my mood swings anymore but god i still feel them and i still deal with all the mental shit when I'm alone so what is it actually doing? making me more bearable to be around? what uses that if i can't even be around myself? but these shitty headspaces only sometimes come so it's so invalidating and i feel I'm just making it up. fuck i don't know what to even do.  
i already feel better and it's been 5 minutes
2. I take my meds everyday, I eat well, work, exercise enough, and whatever, and I still wanna fucking die. I can't deal with this. I feel so guilty cause I take it out on other people when I'm overwhelmed but also things are really good for me in terms of life so I don't even know. I just wanna die so bad. I feel like a wimp but I can't do it anymore. Don't worry I'm not gonna attempt but I don't wanna feel like this over tiny things that happen. I'm doing everything therapists and doctors say to do and fucking nothing changes. I just don't wanna deal with this anymore. About 30 minutes later and I feel pretty much fine. This happens a lot, why do I do this shit
3. I could be wrong, but I do feel there is something off with me. I'm a 16f, so it could just be hormones as everyone says, but I feel the way my head works just isn't normal. There are some days, like today where everything is great. I feel like I'm dreaming but I'm pretty happy. Of course the thought that nothing really matters and I wanna end everything is always there, but it doesn't cloud over the "contentment." But then there are days like yesterday where getting out of bed is fucking impossible. For example, if I was asked to do the dishes, I probably would've cut myself or at least cried. But today, I cleaned a shit ton for no reason. It's days like today that make me feel so invalidated in terms of my mental health because I feel a little too normal I guess? Then the shitty days happen and it feels too real. Along with normal and sad days, there are days when I'm really excited. A few days ago, I completely shaved all my hair off, a full on 2007 Brittany Spears moment, and I don't really regret it. Those days I don't ever sit down until I'm absolutely exhausted. But the issue is though, is these different mental states (that's what I'll call them I guess), they aren't extreme enough to count as BPD or bipolar, or whatever else there is. That also when I start to doubt myself more because maybe it is just hormones, but I don't have any idea. Part of me thinks I want to have mental illness just to explain and understand myself. I want to be diagnosed just to be diagnosed I guess. I also see shit. Not "shadow people" or hear voices type of thing, but everything moves. The walls and ground breathe, patterns manipulate, other stuff such as that. I've never done psychedelics but I have smoked weed but I don't think that matters.
4. I am literally so happy right now. like, everything feels like it's going so well and I think I'm going to freak out just from happiness. like my entire body is twinging, I feel like the whole world is on my side, little shit makes me feel like people are angry at me, but I don't give a fuck. I'm literally yelling at my phone right now. God I'm so happy God God I'm literally driving right now. oh my entire body is tingling. I saw a video of a dog being abandoned and I was so so sad I wanted to kill myself, I think I'm okay now. I was at my grandpas pool and on my way home I went 100mph

Also, some random shit I think is worth mentioning is I have misophonia and derealization/dissociation stuff that is diagnosed (or whatever). I know I already said this, but what do you guys think I should do? Sorry this is so damn long