Background: I was diagnosed with BPD years ago at 23 in the hospital after an attempt. I've been through DBT though ended after 8 month when the therapist said she was okay with working harder than me temporarily, but she wouldn't drag me kicking and screaming. I thought I had been doing really well, but I guess not, so I deciding to quit bothering her with my appointments. I've since been to 6 other therapists and it went poorly with each ending after 4-6 weeks/appointments. 

Now: This weekend I read a comment about ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic beliefs and their relation to personality disorders. Ego-sytonic means the person feels their traits are appropriate or even desirable and wonder why no one else believes these things, whereas someone with ego-dystonic beliefs tends to see how their beliefs are wrong and wonder what's wrong with themselves. Previously I wondered if I may be on the autism spectrum because I fundamentally don't understand other people and what drives them. Realizing that it's just a presentation of my personality disorder is crushing. 

Where I grew up, it is expected that you are religious, straight and conservative. I'm none of those things, but since I desperately wanted to fit in, I hid all of it. I spent my earlier adulthood going to church every week and reading the bible daily trying to get myself to actually believe it. I pretended I don't care about animal rights or the environment or human and civil rights. I tolerated anti-intellectualism. I denied myself of being 'me' just to fit in. 

Turns out, everyone was right. Every therapist and my abusive mother. I'm not an atheist, I just have BPD. I'm not bi or progressive, I just have BPD. I'm not well read or an independent thinker, I just have BPD. And I should strive to be normal even if it means returning to the **soul-crushing nightmare** of denying myself of me. It means holding only socially acceptable beliefs and never having strong opinions. 

But I also know it's time to admit that it's me. I'm the problem. 

Has anyone else had to hide who they are to survive and been able to reconcile that trying to not be personality disordered anymore? Any other words or stories of encouragement?