Hello reddit....  I'd say that my posts are mostly me just talking about my feelings in a way which allows me to get a little bit of the weight off of my chest and not suffer the consequences....  But today I'm asking a question.  First I have some explaining to do.  I grew up in a strict Christian household with an even stricter Father.  When the church didn't have an opinion on something my father did.  Which meant that I had a very unique childhood to say the least.  I was homeschooled for my entire childhood.  I started community college at the equivalent of my sophomore year of high school and would graduate with my associates degree at the same time as I graduated from High School.  However, I did not receive my degree as my classes had been selected to be taken as Audits by my parents who didn't feel like I would learn enough while I was still in high school and not only focusing on college  I finished with a 3.9 unweighted in HS(because I was homeschooled) and would have gotten a 3.8 for my associates if my classes had counted.  And for the last 2 years after graduation I have been working on retaking those classes and getting my degree for real this time.  Non more towards the strict part of my childhood.  I had never played video games until I was a junior in Highschool.  So you might wonder what I had filled my time with throughout my teenage years.  Well, I participated in two sports. Soccer and swimming.  I started out playing soccer at 7 but was only allowed to play until I was 12, but i wanted to continue playing so I paid for it myself.  I would go on to play for various club levels before making it to high school and only playing for a local high school team as I was also in college at the time.  However, I would make varsity all 4 years of high school and the team would win 3 state championships with me regularly starting during 3 of those seasons and 2 of those titles.  Swimming was more of something on the side.  However, I would finish top 10 individually in my state(in my event) every single year of high school.  To pay for my obsession with sports I would start doing yard work at 13 and would work as a life guard at a pool near my house as soon as possible to help pay for the rest of the bills and as crappy as this sounds the only way I could get a ride to sports was either to pay my parents for the gas, or get a ride.  Once I was old enough I got a car and things would be simpler.  When I was about to finish my senior year I was discussing where I was going to go to school for the next few years.  When I brought up the opinion that I would just do a few years having already finished my associates my dad told me that I hadn't.  I had worked for 4 years on high school, 3 years on my degree, 5 years on paying for sports on my own to be slapped in the face by that.  He simply didn't think that I "had it".  I had to shoulder a tremendous mental strain for 5 years getting next to no sleep between work, schooling, and sports for that.  When I told him how well I had done he said it didn't matter.  So we started arguing.  I told him how much I had worked, how much time, effort and the amount of money I had put into doing "good" to being a child he would be proud of.

And that was the issue right there.  He didn't care.  He told me that he had "never been proud of me' not for anything that i had done.  He said that sports were a waste of time, that while he was impressed he wasn't proud.  He had never gone to college so me taking the classes in High School didn't really matter to him.  A job was great and he was happy that I had worked hard.  But being a lifeguard was bad.  Or so he thought.  

Here the lens of examination will turn to me.  My personality is one of trying to do the best.  Whether it was in sports, school, or my job.  I wanted to help others and be the best I could be.  Well, I naturally like most kids sought approval from my parents, so when I didn't receive it at first I thought that I had to try harder, do better, be better.  

After my father told me that it was done.  I moved out.....  Or tried too.  I had some complicated health issues.  Some of which are known to be caused by excessive stress.  One other thing is that I suffered from suicidal thoughts and depression on a scale I had never suffered from before.  After a year I was able to move out.  Having dealt with the physical Health issues but not having dealt with the suicidal thoughts and depression.  While I moved out  I wasn't able to move too far away. As the only place I was able to afford and pay tuition at school was about 15 miles away.  I've been living on my own for about a year now.  And was only 1 semester away from completing my associates.  But my dad started talking about the things he wanted me to do with it.  How, my degree could help him.....  So I quit my classes and stopped really talking to them.  I have my own expectations for my life, my own thoughts, my own beliefs.  I want it to be my life.  Where I only answer to myself as I strive to be who I want to be.  However,  I don't know if I should cut my family off completely.  Because I can't separate them from my father.  I have recently looked into moving away entirely to a different country. Where I have already found a job opportunity(no offer yet) and multiple possible places to live.  I don't really know where all of this is coming from.  But my question is this.  Should I cut them off?  

&amp;#x200B;

For me I don't know.  However,  I feel like if I cut them off I'll have at least the mental weight will be bearable with only the items I choose.  Sorry for how long this is.  

Have a great rest of your day, stay safe, and much love