Hi, I am 26 this year and my world just flipped on me. My long-term partner recently  broke up with me, and I felt my world crumble, I started having feelings of grief, and loneliness (would later be diagnosed with depression). My friends tried cheering me up and help me out. I also seeked help from a therapist, but the following week I got covid. It took me 2 weeks to recover. But within those 2 weeks I was in my thoughts helpless and couldn't speak. I was grieving, alone and constantly blamed myself for the relationship breaking down. I could only reach out to my friends about it. I guess this is when they started to feel like an emotional punching bag. My depression was worsening at this point, and I had to miss my appointment with the therapist. My emotional state kept pushing me to commit suicide, but I managed to hold on with support of my friends.

When I finally managed to talk to my therapist, she said that what I was feeling is grief and I was diagnosed in having depression. And was told to go and try to speak with a psychiatrist to get some medicine. Not even a week after this event, I hear the news that my grandfather passed away. I don't know how else to feel except more grief. I am already breaking at this point, and I end up lashing out as I contacted my friends. Trying to get anything I can cling on for emotional support, but instead I received messages that just infuriated me. Because I am currently at the state were my emotions are the ones in control and my behaviour followed my emotions. In the depressed state that I am currently on, I feel like I have no control of myself. I don't even remember how I hurt them, It took me a week and a session with my therapist to calm down and understand what I did. But the damage has already been done.

My friends or should I say former now. Have decided that they can't take it anymore. I didn't lash out in hearing this, if anything I can honestly thank them for putting up with me. After the fact I can now say that I am alone. And anything that was holding me here now is gone.

For those that are wondering about my parents they are alive. But not emotionally here for me. They have brought me trauma and so much pain. And even after talking with them about it, I still do not get the support I need. The love I feel is transactional.

Everything happened so fast, and the depression that I had been hiding for so long, came out. All those past traumas came out with such force with these external factors pushing me over my limit. Loosing my friends was not something I wanted or planned. But probably for the best for them since I am really at my worst right now.

I just wanted to put this up, because I have nothing else to lose I guess. I smile as I write this, because I feel more free. When or how the fight for me will end, I still don't have that fully mapped out. But I can say it's probably not that far.

For those that read this far, thank you and I hope that you have a better life.