(TW: Mention of suicidality)

I just had an epiphany, thanks to someone who messaged me after I posted to r/SuicideWatch.

My traumatic infancy (fraught with uncontrollability and unpredictability) set the stage for my GAD, and at the heart of that has always been my absolutely desperate need for control. I think that this need goes deeper than I realized. Because now that I think of it, the majority of my maladaptive responses to things are *all about control.*

Right now, there are so many things in my life that I can't control. I am used to panic attacks and physiological anxiety, but I realize now that even my suicidal feelings and impulses come from that control aspect. First, if I can't control an outside thing/person, then at least I can control my life and pain (hence self-harm); and second, I don't want to escape life, I just want to escape the crippling anxiety (masked in anger, sadness, depression, etc.) that is caused by not being able to control everything. Everything that triggers me, everything that is making me so high-strung and dysregulated and unstable and driving my emotions mad, comes down to not being able to control.

I also realize that I have a pattern of letting things beyond my control, control ME. Instead of taking ownership of the things I *can* control, I allow things I *can't* control to define and command my emotions. For years I did this with self-worth: I still hate that I can't control others' opinions of me (i.e. that people can dislike me even if I didn't do anything "wrong" or it was a misunderstanding, and I can't change their mind), but I used to therefore allow others' opinions define how I felt about myself. Why? Because I am obsessed with having control. Control is safety and security. Control used to be the difference between life and death--and lack of control was a threat to my life.

Ultimately, my problem is not being able to find happiness when I can't have control, and/or struggling to find smaller things I *can* control even when I can't make everything picture-perfect. I don't know how to be happy or content if there is something in my life that makes me unhappy and I know I'm powerless to change. I'm a rigid thinker, and I have trouble seeing that I could still be happy if I adjusted my perception of a situation, or the importance I assign something, or my expectations. In a workplace capacity, I'm a very creative and flexible thinker and problem-solver. When it comes to my mental health, not at all. Objectively, I know I can either accept that I can't control it (monumentally easier said than done) or leave the situation altogether (also monumentally easier said than done, sometimes). Subjectively, it's hell.

I don't know, I just felt like sharing this. Perhaps it can offer perspective to anyone else here with comorbid issues. It took some time to connect my depression/suicidality/other problems to control, but now I see it much more for what it is.