One of my triggers is a celebrity that I sort of(?) obsess over. But I try not to. I distance myself from them, because I'm scared of getting obsessed. So anything mentioning or involving them and I am booking the fuck out of there. And if I can't.. I feel suicidal, like I need to self-harm, depressed, and full of anxiety. I sat through a movie with them in it and broke out in a rash all over my neck (which is something that happens to a lot of people in my family when we get anxious). 

I am positive that I have an eating disorder. I've lost almost twenty pounds because of it. None of my pants or undergarments fit.

I'm so beyond depressed. I think about suicide every day. Not consider it, but it crosses my mind so much. I would be self-harming, but I threw my razors out months ago. I used my pocket knife once, but I told myself it was just to test out if I had sharpened it well enough. I don't know either way.

I don't know what to do. My family doesn't have the money for a doctors appointment, and certainly not a hospital stay. I just feel like shit and don't know what to do.