things have been really bad lately. i got broken up with and it sent me off the deep end. i try my best, i try to get through life for my loved ones. i try to get up and do the things i have to do. but some days it is still hard to accept that i got stuck with this brain. life is hard, for everyone, there's a lot of things that have happened and will happen that are painful. death, heartbreak, betrayal, etc. but i wish people would understand that i feel those painful emotions at such intensity that i can't handle it. it's exhausting. i want to work hard to get better, i so deeply crave stability. but sometimes it feels like i can never truly get better. i want connection so badly but i'm tired of being burned by people who don't really listen or care enough to know how intense bpd is, and how deeply i'm hurting at my baseline. they want me for who i am when i'm okay, when i'm masking, when i'm making them laugh. they don't care enough to consider how a relationship with someone like me is. how once i get attached they have such a hold on my emotions, and can send me into such a dark place with their actions. i have tried so hard to communicate my needs but i feel like my needs are too much. i don't know how to navigate future friendships and relationships anymore. i don't know how to trust that someone won't just leave, it's happened too many times. i just wish i wasn't like this. i feel like the friends and family who do still stick by my side are such saints for dealing with such an unstable mess. i wish i could stop feeling like a burden and hating myself at my core. bpd is such a painful thing to live with every day. i don't know if i really have the strength to navigate it. all i want in life is to be content and i don't know if i ever will