The only reason I'm still alive at the age of 31 is because I know exactly what a suicide does to a family. I experienced this first hand when I was 10 when my father took his own life. I was lied to about what happened at the time (understandable as I was a child) but over the years I was told what actually happened and why. My family doesn't ever talk about it, it's almost like the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about which is fine but it's also extremely unhealthy. I've come to understand over the past few years that everything that happened afterwards 100% changed how I look at and interact with the world. I have a tough time forming any sort of meaningful relationship with people even on a basic level, I find myself not caring what other people want/feel and I get annoyed and irritated when people talk about themselves or their lives in general. It's almost like my brain turns off. I try my best to be a productive member of society but I realize now I've become a robot. I get up and go to work 5 days a week, do my best to do a good job and come home. But on my off time I find myself sitting at home playing video games just to keep my brain sort of numbed to everything. I have become very good at smiling through my feelings and pain and just getting through the day. I can crack jokes and laugh with coworkers but none of it feels genuine to me anymore and all I really want is to sleep. Some how I have become the person who can get through anything without much damage but in reality every day is a struggle. I will be 100% honest I have self harmed, I've drank myself stupid for days on end, I've taken narcotics that probably should have killed me, I've even held a loaded gun to my head but was unable to pull the trigger, and yet no one is aware about any of this until now. I've tired reaching out for help to people I could consider close but it's basically ignored and pushed to the side. I feel like if I do end my life the thing people will say most is "I had no idea he was suicidal" or "I wish he would have reached out". It will all be bullshit if I felt like I could reach out I would have but since I have an overwhelming sense that no one really cares I will most likely continue to internalize everything and keep to myself. Before it's said yes I realize professional help would probably be a good idea but the reality of the situation is I can barely afford everyday life let alone a therapist. My thoughts recently have turned fairly dark, since winter has set in and the roads become slick I keep thinking what's to stop me from jerking the wheel either left or right just enough to cause a major accident that I would hope not to survive.  I guess the only reason I haven't done it is because I know the pain it would cause to the people around me and I don't want to burden the police and paramedics with the clean up. As I typed that I realized thats a typical suicidal thought not wanting to be a burden on anyone. Anyway the whole point of this is just to say I'm stuck between not wanting to cause others the same pain I've been through and wanting to end my own inner pain and just be done.

I will answer any questions or comments if there is any.