Quick back story. By favorite person happens to be my best friend (the first person to ever accept me not because they were obligated to by blood). We were sixteen when we became friends and we’ve been friends for sixteen years. You do the math. 

I want to acknowledge the fact that I can catch myself being “crazy” and not act on it. That’s some progress for me even if I’m not quite “there” yet. 

So early in our twenties friend went through this weird depression stage. I stayed besides friend the whole time even though I wanted to do early twenty year old stuff. I wanted to go to bars and clubs and be young. But she just wouldn’t go out. So instead we smoked a bunch of pot in her garage watching jersey shore and knitting. 

Fast forward to now and best friend has a ton of friends. Still describes me as her best friend. For her birthday I made a little Shutterfly book of photos of us from basically out entire friendship. She said it was the best gift anyone had ever given her. 

There’s a lot of complexities to our friendship now. About 5 or 6 years ago she went to Europe with another friend. I was totally blindsided. I wanted to be the friend she went to Europe with. About a year ago she moved out with the same friend. I was pretty annoyed because we talked about being roommates for years. 

So she’s always doing things with her roommate which I admittedly do not enjoy, like having a Disneyland pass. Cool, whatever. But she’s always busy. She has a ton of friends whereas she is My. Only. Friend. 

Ive told her that I felt like the roomate was her best friend now and she’s like what no, roomate has her own best friends. But as of lately she’s sort of introduced some of her close friends to the roomate and now they are all friends. 

I feel like there is real or imagined tension between roomate and I for my best friend’s attention. Roomate knows I’m the “best friend” but I know roomate and her are always doing something. Which makes sense they live together. 

Last weekend we were set to hang out on Friday but I asked if she happened to be free Saturday because I wanted to do like a day thing whereas we usually meet up for beers and talk about our lives and our job. It’s sort of therapeutical. She was sketch and wouldn’t just say yes or no. We did hang out last Friday and it was fun. It’s when I gave her her birthday present. Considering it was our outing for her birthday I didn’t bring up any of my weird feelings. 

I guess I feel like I gave up a huge chunk of my life to be with my friend who was majorly depressed and evolved into this crazy social butterfly, but she’s not there for me now when I’m sad and alone. 

So it’s Monday and I’m like I should ask her today if she’s free on Saturday and she’s like it depends what time. And I’m like what. It feels like hanging out with her is like reserving tickets three weeks in advance to save your spot to an exclusive event. I was irritated. I get weird weekdays to have beers with her and mutual therapy (we are in the same field) and I feel like her “actual” friends get the good days like a Saturday to do something other than have some beers and talk. I want to do THINGS. I’ve resorted to hanging out with my niece who is of age so it’s not super weird. But I legit don’t have other friends. I make friends at work it’s just like weird making that jump to be like hey you want to hang out during hours we aren’t obligated to?

Anyway when she text me that It depended on what time I was thinking I was just like omg. I can’t even book you a week in advance. I didn’t tell her this of course because I’m trying to maintain my crazy under control. I don’t think she’s making spending time with me a priority at all. When she said that I sent her a gif of someone facepalming and I was like “nevermind”. She text me back saying “I mean I want to hang out but I got tickets to see a movie in the morning but would be free in the evening.” Probably with the same friends she hung out with a few days ago. But I want to do a thing!  I don’t want to do the usual meet up at a brewery, talk, have a couple of beers and go home. I want to go explore the city or something. 

Anyway, I’m just irritated. I know my being there for her when we were younger wasn’t something I was doing in hopes she could pay me back one day if it happened to me.  I feel like hanging out with me isn’t a priority for her anymore. I don’t feel like bitching and moaning to her. After she text me I didn’t write her back. I kind of want her to know I’m mad at her but I know I’m being passive about it. I’m done initiating hang outs. It’s only after I go a long period without asking her to hang out that I’ll get a “I miss you! We should hang out.”

So what do I do?  The old me would’ve been more of a dick when she said she had plans for the weekend already. I would’ve said something like “of course you do”.  But I just said “nevermind”. Part of me wants help in how to approach the subject with her so our friendship can stop causing me pain because at this point I’d rather have no friends. I mean I already only have one. What’s one less? The other side of me wants to just say fuck it and not hang out with her. If I bring it up I make an issue of it and that only makes it a thing and I think that only pushes people further away. 

So yeah I’m pretty hurt that we never do anything fun together anymore. I hate that she’s passive when I ask if she’s free on blank date and sometimes doesn’t just say yes or no. She makes plans ahead of time for the weekend to hang out with her worthy friends and I get the evening to drink with. No. 

I think I am going to create some distance between us. I’m not sure how to do it without completely ignoring her, which I did today after she still wanted to hang but not until the evening. Any advice on what y’all think I should do is appreciated. I don’t know whether to talk to her about it anymore or if it’s even worth it. 

I know I need to make friends but the BPD with added ADHD, depression and anxiety make it hard. I don’t know where to find friends at my age. I’m literally thinking of downloading bumble just for the friends option. I need more friends than just her.