I rejected my diagnosis 3 years ago. I was having a mental health crisis and it was redacted instead, I was rediagnosed by as having a "sustained trauma response" to domestic violence. I was concerned I wouldn't get the job I wanted if it was on my record, and I'm glad I did this. I got the career, and rationalised if I got the career and excelled at college and things were going "well", that I couldn't have the disorder. I clung to the fact that I've never self harmed - except excessive nail biting? - as proof I was well.

But now I think I'm wrong. My moods are all over the place. I have frequent periods where I don't feel real and become obsessed with death. I panic and have to run 5k to calm down, every day. Maybe I don't binge eat or do drugs or have sex with strangers anymore, but the impulse is still there. I just Forrest Gump it now.

I feel profoundly empty and lonely. I'm convinced people hate me and think there's something wrong with me. I've become more measured but I think I'm unaware of how I truly come across. Recently my parents told me they are "walking on eggshells" around me all the time, that I'm negative and sharp and unpredictable. When I feel hurt by something they say, I lose my temper. But to me, it doesn't even feel like I'm raging...I just feel hurt and angry. Then I feel intense shame. How could I do this to them? I'm told I seem angry and ungrateful and like I don't care all the time, but it's not how I really feel.

I reflect on all my failed interpersonal relationships and just curl up in the Shame Cube. Every romantic partner I've had has been physically or emotionally abusive. I've been so scared of being alone I put up with all of it, and even became emotionally abusive myself I think. I've had unsustainable friendships that became codependent and imploded. I was an angry, weird kid who had no friends. I feel naked, like everyone can see what a wound I am. I feel like I'm no fun to be around and am just a shit human being. I feel like I'll never get any better, and I'll never have beautiful community or a beautiful life or a beautiful relationship. I feel so ugly and like people can see it all. I hate it.

I'm sorry, I just feel so hopeless today and not in my own body. I am so scared. All my life I've struggled wondering why I'm like this. I am confused about that diagnosis....if they were right and I was wrong. At the time, I didn't realise BPD had so much nuance.

Is this how other people feel?