My real life is totally lonely, pointless, irrelevant, depressing, and completely and totally meaningless. The thing that makes me not want to kill myself is that I live a life of total fantasy and delusion. I can spend hours just walking around town listening to music and pretending I wrote those songs and picture myself on stage preforming them. I sometimes pretend I live in the 80s even though I never lived through them. Sometimes I invent a totally new identity and buy clothes to match and just walk around town being a character. I picture myself a famous intellectual and invent scenarios in my head about what I would say in a debate with someone else. I sometimes picture myself winning a grammy for music and practice my speech in my head. Sometimes I'm a writer, a poet, a politician. Whatever will do for the day.

I don't con people or anything. At my core I am literally nothing. There is no personality there so I have to invent something to give me reason to live. While some people may use cutting, drugs, drink or whatever to scape from the awful emotional teeter tooter of being BPD, I just literally live in a 24/7 delusional fantasy world.