I’m stressing over the move to SF from WA. I’m majorly stressed about how I’m going to get by. I’m not entirely sure my girlfriend and I will be able to get an apartment first thing, we don’t want to be broke (like we pay rent and have no money to buy food.) I’ve been groveling over the possibilities of what I can do to earn lots of money while in college. The thought of not going to university at first came to mind. I don’t know what the best possible route is. I continue to have panic attacks and breakdowns. Random crying episodes and thoughts of splitting. 

Every single defense mechanism in my brain is going off. “Is she going to leave me through rough times?” “I don’t want to leave my girlfriend, I love her, I wouldn’t do that to her. I’m so scared she’s going to leave me despite it all.” I have all these thoughts about abandonment and being hurt. It’s like I can’t even identify my emotions at all. I have difficulty identifying my emotions at times. I am so scared about my girlfriend abandoning me when things get hard. I’m not willing to leave her side when things get hard. I told her I would work hard and earn lots of money over the summer so we don’t have to worry about a whole lot. 

How do people do it... this is getting to my head. *TW: suicide mention* It manifests into suicide or suicidal ideation. I often times lay in bed nowadays thinking about taking all the pills in the cabinet and dying in my sleep just so I don’t have to face the hard times that are to come. I’m terrified. I don’t know what’s going to happen which is scaring me more. I wish I could just breathe and think straight.