I feel like everything in my life is wrong. For a long time I heavily trusted my intuition and now my intuition decided to fuck off or something. I'm just so damn empty and lonely. Nothing in the past 6 yrs has felt right.  My life feels like it belongs to someone else. I cant make decisions anymore bc no matter what I do, all outcomes are shitty outcomes. So what does it matter anymore? I dont think I'll ever be comfortable in this life. I dont think I'll ever be me again. Finding therapy is a joke. Finding a working medication is a joke. Off and on I go with no results. My bf says my bpd episodes have dropped from 5 days a week to 2 or 3 but I still feel as miserable as before. My bpd episodes lately have been focused on how much I loath who I am. I don't think I'll ever love myself again. I feel like I dont belong on earth. I feel like everything that was good about me is gone. Now I'm a big bowl of nothingness. I can barely leave my house now bc I feel like I am such a shit stain and everyone will notice. Things just keep feeling worse and worse when in actuality things should be feeling better. So I must be the problem. I want to run away but there is no place for me anywhere. I'm stuck. So stuck here in this body on this wretched planet. I want to be who I was. Brave and bold. Smart and outspoken. Beautiful and loved. But she died at 18.