i’m very grateful to have a partner who has understood the way i work and tries his hardest to do right by me even when i push him away.

my problem is that once the switch flips, i cannot stop myself. i get consumed with rage until i’m shaking and my chest is heavy and i just want to scream and punch and cause harm, i’ll say or do anything to break you just because i want you to hurt, almost like that’s my end goal. there have been a few times where i’ve lashed out like this and somewhere inside i want to stop and i can’t, it’ll turn into an angry cry and i try to make it stop but i’m just so furious that i keep spewing out mean things and sometimes it ends with me becoming immediately suicidal. i feel like a psychopath or like i don’t deserve love. it’s been a good amount of time, maybe 2 months or so since it’s happened last, but i just feel so awful everytime i look back. i don’t want to be an abusive partner, i wouldn’t label myself as one, but in those moments i question if i should even allow myself to be in a relationship. does anyone else get these types of episodes? any tips on how to manage them?