This is gonna be a long one. 

I suffer from depression and extreme social anxiety, but I think I have BPD as well. 
I’ve been to a few different therapists (I’ve moved cities a lot) and I’ve had BPD mentioned but never diagnosed. PTSD was also mentioned.

Because of the pandemic I lost my jobs, like many others. But I also lost my home. And I no longer have any of my belongings with me, or my cat. I’m two hours away from my family and friends. And I’ve become quite unstable while trying to deal with the feeling of everything being taken from me. 

And I can be absolutely volatile. I hate everything. I’m angry at everything. And I don’t know how to make myself stop once the switch flips. I say hateful toxic things to the people I love, usually when I feel abandoned or neglected, which is all that I really feel right now. I’m explosive, I get angry about things that aren’t worth even frowning over. I send rants through texts and when I read them the next day I can’t even imagine my frame of mind. I sound nuts. I spend days in bed afterwards, hating myself and feeling guilty and angry for my actions. And I’ll eventually come to my normal self again. But then the cycle starts all over when something insignificant happens. 

I’ve also been struggling with my self image way more than usual for me. Some days I spend literal hours in the mirror obsessing over makeup because I can’t get it “right”. Other days I can’t even glance at my reflection because I’m so repulsed by myself. 

My memory is also starting to have blank spots, like I can’t remember significant pieces of the day before, no matter how hard I try to remember. I forget entire conversations, which is NOT like me. It’s like I’m in a constant haze. I’m forgetting things that I normally would never forget (eg my old boss’ name who I have known for years). I feel like my brain is deteriorating. My writing is even messier than it used to be just months ago. I know stress affects basically everything but this feels like my brain is just malfunctioning all over the place. 

I don’t know what I really came here for, maybe just to feel more normal. I have read a lot about BPD, and I really feel like I need to talk to someone who knows what this headspace is like. I don’t have access to a therapist where I am, and I don’t like myself like this, I want to change.