I don’t understand myself anymore.. 

For a really long time I pushed everyone away because I thought they were going to leave me. A couple weeks ago I decided that I needed to stop doing that so I let a few of the people that stayed over the years in and started trusting them more. 

One of them and I had this massive fight and I feel like it’s all my fault.. I just wanna push them away to keep them safe. They hadn’t slept much the past couple days and I asked them if I could rant to them about something because I was upset and they started going off on me about how I’m keeping them and up stuff. It really hurt. 

They hung up on me.. I feel horrible. I’ve been keeping them up late a night. I shouldn’t of let them in. Why am I so stupid? 

I thought that not pushing them away would help more with my recovery process, but i just feel even more depressed and toxic. Am I toxic? I am toxic aren’t I? 

I shouldn’t let people in anymore.. I want to revert back into my old state. Yes I was depressed and alone, but everyone else was happy.. I don’t want others to be sad because of me.. 

I don’t want to recover at this point. I know I should and stuff, but my brain is screaming for me to just give up..