Last week was hell.

What I had accounted for was that I had school deadlines, new job application deadlines, current job deadlines, and my extremely painful endometriosis period. That's enough to cause me to be on the brink of a BPD breakdown.

What I didn't expect, is that our cat suddenly got ill and died within a couple of days.

On Tuesday, I was about to work on an extremely delicate and important work deliverable, when our cat came down the stairs and in the blink of an eye shit got BAD. Thromboembolism. So I stopped what I was doing and drove her and my boyfriend to the ER. The cat needed to be admitted for her treatment. I paid for it. My boyfriend broke down - this was his cat for 13 years before he met me.

The rest of Tuesday and Wednesday were hell. We were constantly on edge day and night awaiting for the next cardiologist's phone call informing us about the development of our cat's condition. I tried my best to keep up with work, my job application (a company that is interested in me for a very good position), and my school, plus 100% of the house chores. I tried my best to be a cheerleader for my boyfriend and our cat. On Wednesday I broke down at bedtime because I felt so overwhelmed that I just couldn't hande it for that moment; my boyfriend got up and went downstairs to the couch and I felt so abandoned. I eventually came down, comforted him, and brought him back upstairs to bed.

Thursday came. The day of my period. I woke up with an asthma attack and throwing up uncontrollably, because of the stress. We were asked to come in to the hospital to try to get our cat to eat. I tried to explain my situation to HR to ask for a little bit more flexible schedule during the next two days, but they didn't support me. I took some hours off work anyway and went to the hospital with my boyfriend. His brother decided to come along. I was upset because we now were too many people and they could only allow my boyfriend in (COVID). I wanted to see our cat. Eventually I was able to see her and well, I didn't know, but that was basically our goodbye. We agreed to have a procedure done to her, I paid for it and the last couple of days' expenses, and we left. My boyfriend's brother decided to stay to have lunch with us. I was at this point already in agony and trying my best to support my boyfriend and be a good hostess to his brother. I was also trying to get my job done.

My boyfriend left for school in a rush and his brother left for home at the same time. I texted my boyfriend right away saying that I needed him to put out a 10L water jug since the last one ran out (and he knew it), and my legs just weren't functioning anymore. I also asked him to please put away the leftovers in the fridge. I was upset because I had been trying to be strong for too long and I felt neglected. We argued for the first time in our relationship. He said I should have told him before he left. I said that he was well aware of the situation to realize that those things needed to be done. I reiterated that I had been throwing up, was in too much pain, and just couldn't get up from the couch anymore.

When he came back from school, they called us to say the cat had a stroke. We rushed to the hospital and comforted her as we euthanized her. I wanted to throw up and felt like fainting the entire time. My boyfriend broke down. I paid for the rest of the bills and had her cremation arranged. My boyfriend's brother came to the hospital and then followed us back home. I just wanted him to leave. I needed to cry and to hug my boyfriend. My heart hurt so much for both our cat and my boyfriend. His family was calling me non-stop asking me to take care of him. The brother finally left and I was able to cry. I felt so guilty about feeling annoyed in the afternoon.

Friday came. I once again tried to work and take care of my boyfriend at the same time. Eventually he decided to leave for work. He made sure I had everything I needed before he left. We had discussed bringing home my cat or my dog (who live at my parents'). I was still in agonizing pain. I spoke with my mother, the only other source of support I thought I had. Eventually my boyfriend came back, I treated him to dinner to cheer him up, and we settled in. He told me that his brother was taking him on Saturday to a shelter so he could choose a kitten to adopt. I asked him what he wanted and he said that it was OK. I broke down, asking what about my pets. They mattered, as well. He was very reluctant to bring my dog, even though he had suggested it in the morning, and I sent my mother a message venting, saying that I felt hurt. My cramps got worse to the point I was almost passing out even though I was sitting down. I started to feel so scared about my pain, the future, and everything else. I just wanted my boyfriend to hold me through the night. He was falling asleep on the couch as we watched a show. I asked him to go to bed, but I was already fucked up at this point. We argued again. He said I was making him feel like a failure. He said that I need to understand that he's tired and that he's falling asleep, but that he wants to sleep next to me on the couch until I feel better. He said, "You think I don't love you because I'm falling asleep and can't be with you consciously, but you forget that I've shown you that I love you in every way possible." I was speechless. I had never said that I felt like he didn't love me when he didn't take care of me when I needed it, but he knew. How did he read my mind, I wondered. We argued some more, we cried, we apologised, and then his blood pressure spiked and I really pushed through my pain to nurse him and get his blood back to normal.

Meanwhile, my mother told me she didn't want to see me on Saturday (our weekly visit). I broke down. I asked him what was wrong, if I had done something wrong, and she didn't reply. Knowing her, I know she had a problem with me, but wouldn't admit it. I tortured myself asking what did I do wrong. I felt like garbage, so useless and unwanted. My worst fear - abandonment - became true.

On Saturday morning I was still in pain, but feeling better. I was so hurt and felt hopeless about my mother's rejection. I had wanted nothing so bad as seeing her and my dog. I needed some kind of support. The topic of my boyfriend's brother taking him to adopt a kitten came up again, and I broke down ... again. Eventually my boyfriend said that my pets had the same right as our cat to be loved and accepted into our home. I felt so invisible, like my own pain and my suffering and my wants didn't matter at all, to the point where I had to fight so bad to make my needs known. Like I just wished there was someone who would know what I need enough to consider it without me having to advocate for it endlessly and rationally.

My boyfriend tried to convince me to cut my mother off and go no contact and to use a passive-agressive strategy to let her know how much she hurt me, because he couldn't have me breaking down for her. I didn't agree. I actually did the opposite and told her how much I would have liked to see her and how I missed her and left it at that.

My boyfriend and I then went to prepare ourselves for a much needed fun night (at home) - my treat to him. I also took him to select a flowering plant that reminded him of our cat, to pay her tribute. I suggested so many ways to honor her life. We ended up spending a very nice evening.

On Sunday he surpised me with a necklace. I feel so happy, I like it so much, but I haven't been able to stop feeling guilt for breaking down and splitting on him from Thursday afternoon until Saturday at noon. Like I should have been better. I should have really swallowed my feelings and my pain and not making things worse than they were. I can't stop feeling like I'm selfish and that he's gonna leave me. The reverse-split, as I call it.

Right now I'm going to pick up our cat's urn with her ashes so that my boyfriend can see her home when he arrives from work, so that he can mourn her quietly in our safe space (our home) instead of trying to be strong at the hospital.

It was hell. I don't know how we survived. I don't know yet if we actually survived.

Just needed to vent somewhere people could understand. Thank you if you read it.