So hey I am suicidal and have an eating disorder, the kind of ED that makes you not eat enough or not at all. I've had it for plenty of years now so it's nothing new to me etc. What is new to me, or what I maybe just recently realised, is the fact that 

I have the urge to not eat or just end myself to punish others

I know this sounds like a very toxic kind of gaslight and I couldn't find anything online about this behaviour so I was hoping to find some help here since I don't want to see a therapist. 

I am 99% certain I developed my ED thanks to my family. I do not get along with them very well and I always struggled with being around them. They make fun of me, mock me, use my biggest problems to trigger me, using every opportunity to tell me what an awful person I am etc. So I stopped eating with them to avoid as much contact as possible. I just went to the fridge when everyone was gone to eat alone but it just got worse so I started training myself to not eat whenever one of my family members was in the kitchen and I would just grab small snacks multiple times a day. WELL now a few years have passed and I eat one plate of food once a day if I don't feel worse than usual.

The thing is, they dont know about my ED and yet everytime they do their usual things to me I usually just leave and won't eat at all that day. Not because I don't want to but because I want to punish them. It doesn't make sense since they dont realise my problem in the first place and what the consequences of their actions are but still...

I see it as something like: "I would die just to spite you" Sometimes I fantasize about just ending myself saying nothing more than a plain "Fuck you" 

I think I'd describe myself as a new level of petty. But I'd still appreciate an outsider's perspective on this and maybe a link to an article that talks about behaviour like this? Maybe some personal experience?