I just really need to put this somewhere because I feel like an absolutely awful person.

I'm chronically ill with multiple conditions and a whole lot of arthritis going from my neck down to the bottom of my spine. I'm in my twenties and I've been dealing with this for almost ten years now. This is necessary to know in regards to my post.

The start of this year has been horrible. My sister had surgery done and now she's having complications from the surgery and she's been having to stay in the hospital for days and she's been in terrible pain. No one is allowed to be with her, and it's just been so fucking hard.

She's my twin sister and she means the world to me. We have a really strong bond and she's my best friend. 

Now, here's why I feel like a terrible person. I've been feeling neglected lately because no one has been checking on how I feel and it just feels like everyone has forgotten the problems I have. I don't even know how to fucking type this out without feeling horrible. I truly hate myself right now for feeling this way. I'm jealous of the attention?? I just want to feel acknowledged in my pain and when I hear things like "she shouldn't be going through this" or "she's having a hard time and I feel so bad for her" I wonder why no one is saying that about me when I've been dealing with this for almost a decade.

I'm crying typing this because my god I hate it. I hate feeling like a terrible person for feeling this way. I love my sister so fucking much and yet I'm over here feeling this way??? I feel so bad for her, I do. This has nothing to do with her, rather the people around me not saying those things about *me* and my problems.

Jesus christ. I'm sorry for typing this out here and I'm just... god, I don't even know. I feel like a fake, I feel like I'm awful. I hate this. The stress is causing me to feel even worse and my arthritis is acting up big time but I don't want to complain about it to anyone irl because I feel like everyone will think I'm deliberately trying to get the attention or something. I feel like everyone thinks I'm just some attention seeker when I'm truly just in pain from my fucking medical issues.

I feel alone, I guess. This all sounds so pathetic. It's probably a jumbled mess and if you read this, thank you. I hope it makes sense because I'm not in the frame of mind to proofread.