He’s sick of my shit, basically. Yet again, last night he had to throw out medication I bought to kill myself with.  

Recently, he started working 12+ hour days, 7 days a week, and I’ve been taking it really hard. On one hand, I feel like this is kind of a dick move in a relationship, but it’s ultimately his choice and I should live with what he chooses. On the other hand, I feel like he reached into my chest and tore my heart out. He is my FP and I miss him every second he’s gone. When he comes home and he’s too tired to talk, I feel like I’m being punched in the gut. He was the only thing I was holding on for, and that’s my fault, for not holding on for more things, but now that he’s gone, I am extremely suicidal. 

Yesterday, I spent the day trying to manage myself. I was on the phone with crisis for hours and they eventually referred me to a crisis unit. I went, sat in my room and cried for an hour, and left. I couldn’t do it. I feel like I made a huge mistake because things were so bad when I got home. 

I asked him to talk last night. He had to stay up past bedtime. I told him how hard my day was. He said, “this is probably a bad time to tell you, but I won’t get a day off for at least 30 days.” I broke down. It was like reverting back to a child. I wouldn’t let him touch me and I cried and told him I was going to kill myself. I admitted I had bought medicine earlier in the day and I begged him not to throw it away. He was telling me he was going to take me to the ED, but I talked him out of it.

When I finally calmed down, he told me he thought we needed to really think what we wanted out of this relationship. I asked him what he wanted and he told me he wanted to be able to work his job without worrying about me while he‘s gone. He told me he’d been thinking about breaking up with me. I actually remained pretty calm, but only so he would keep talking. 

The whole night is so fuzzy. Later, he apologized for bringing it up and we actually had sex. It was short and sweet and I felt better. He said he wanted to be with me forever, but I know he’s not done thinking about breaking up with me just because we had sex. 

I feel like I can’t be sick anymore or he’ll break up with me. I’m a fucking wreck, I can’t work and I barely leave my apartment. I’m alone all day. I don’t know how to get better. I really don’t want to lose him.

Any words of wisdom? I could use some help.