I was in an on/off again long distance relationship for about 5 years. Last summer we finally met in person and we had fun, but it wasn't as great as I expected because he wasn't attracted to me physically and he kept his distance while he stayed with me. After he went back home my insecurity ate my brain. Logically I knew that trying to keep tabs on him at all times wasn't the way to go about things, but I couldn't keep my emotions in check. I wanted him to reassure me everything was still okay, that he still loved me and wanted to be with me, but because I was being so emotional he ignored me instead. This of course just made me freak out even more, until finally I reached my limit and yelled at him (via the internet since he wouldn't talk to me on the phone or skype) and he said at that point he was done with me and I was too needy.

The following two weeks were just me jumping back and forth between wanting to stay friends with him and wanting him out of my life. So, I’d be really nice and apologetic one day and then the next be so incredibly pissed off at him and yell at him. He finally had enough, understandably, and blocked me from everything and refuses to take my calls. I even tried to have his roommate (who I’m good friends with) get him to talk to me, but he refuses. I understand why… but it still hurts.

Anyway, after all this stress my depression flared up again and I was feeling actively suicidal for a couple of weeks before going back to my therapist for anti-depressants. They kinda worked, the suicidal thoughts eased up, but new symptoms began to emerge, like disassociation. I was then diagnosed with BPD and after reading about it for the past few months I believe I’ve had this condition for my entire life. I finally understood why I had such rocky and complicated friendships and relationships with everyone. The anger, the cutting, the inability to control my emotions, emptiness, lack of identity, the paranoia about abandonment…

The problem now is that I know I was being unreasonable and overly emotional and I feel sick to my stomach about my entire past. How many people have I unintentionally hurt? I told my ex about the diagnosis and told him I was sorry and that I didn’t realize I was being so crazy, but he still won’t speak a word to me.

I still love him and this fact is killing me on a daily basis. How can I forgive myself for ruining the best part of my life when he won’t forgive me? I’m so, so sorry and I cry about it almost every day but I can’t find a way to forgive myself for what I’ve done. I didn’t mean to be so clingy and needy and insecure. I just don’t know what to do to stop feeling so awful.

Does anyone have any advice?