Hey! I wanted to share my relationship with my ex and how I learned that sometimes things are not entirely my fault. 

Background to my relationship: 

We met on Tinder and were together for 6 months at 19 y/o. We hit it off really well, keep in mind that when that happens it doesn’t mean it’s meant to be. 

We saw each other in person for the first time and from there we saw each other more than we didn’t see each other, I do not recommend at all. 

From the beginning I knew we didn’t have much in common interest wise and he and live two different lifestyles as I’m some white girl in a typical suburban house and he’s Albanian and raised in a two bedroom apartment with 4 other people and religious. 

The only thing we had in common essentially was each other and our relationship. The first few months were great, as most relationships are during that time, but things began going downward when both of us mentally started slowing down.

He knew from the beginning that I have BPD and even did his own research. I treated him not so great and I forever regret it but I feel that things wouldn’t have gotten that bad if he didn’t lie to me, which is what most of my arguments were about. 

The Lies: 

His family says the N word. I knew that. I asked him if he did, he said no. I asked him multiple times, he said no. I went on his phone (not really a good idea) and I found out he does in fact say the N word. When I confronted him he said he would stop. I asked him if he actually stopped a few times after that (for reassurance) and he said he did. One day I asked him how many times did he say it after he said he would stop, he said 2. The next day he confessed that he never stopped and he defended himself. This is when I would freak out at random times and try to educate him on it. He wouldn’t budge and never did. 

When we met I asked if he supported Trump, he said no. This was the height of the election so things were hairy. I would rant about Trump and would say “you probably don’t even agree with me.” In the end he voted for Trump. 

He told me he worked at a coffee shop, then he told me he worked at an Albanian coffee shop, then he told me the establishment was barely legal and qualified to be an establishment. I asked him MULTIPLE times if illegal activity went on there, he always denied. Around 5 months he admitted illegal gambling happens. 

We smoked a lot and I tried getting us to stop multiple times but he wouldn’t. I told him not to get another cart and he told me he would never do that behind my back. He did. He showed up to my house and presented me with one. I got mad but he knew I would give in. 

When school started he said he was going to his classes until he admitted he hadn’t for two weeks and in the end he dropped all of them. This cause great anxiety as I was trying to juggle 5 classes (I dropped one eventually) and was trying to start an art business. I was basically mommying him. 

I never lied ONCE to this guy or tried changing myself. Not a single time. Which is funny cause that’s a trait some people with BPD have. Next time you feel like doing that, don’t. It will only make things harder and cause a lot of anxiety and stress and guilt. 

Not lies but troubling things, his dad is really really untrustworthy which gave me anxiety. He borrowed 2k from my ex and promised to pay it back many many times. I don’t think he got it back at all. I had told him before that he will not get it back. I was there when he asked for the money and tried telling him in a casual way. 

He and his dad quit their jobs at the coffee shop and mooched off unemployment even though they could very much be at work. He said that him and his dad were offered a management position at a Coney Island by a friend and from the beginning I was like are you sure? He reassured me that he is for sure going to get this job until his dad got into an argument with the guy and they didn’t get the job. 

The Breakup:

At the beginning of November I had broken up with him after getting sick of all the lying and realizing that we will not work at all. We were friends after and even hung out a couple times. He became distant which caused me to panic and I would frantically message him. He told me multiple times that he wanted to be alone to heal but I was so frantic that I kept messaging him at different times. I finally was like okay I’ll leave him alone, becoming extremely suicidal and depressed to the point of almost being hospitalized, and the next day he asked to meet up and have sex. 

I wanted to see him for the last time so badly that I agreed and he picked me up. I got high in his car which was a big mistake cause I started disassociating in the back seat and he realized I wasn’t over him at all (no shit) and he couldn’t continue. I asked him if he would have messaged me otherwise and he plainly said no and it was simply just to have sex. He said he didn’t use me but quite frankly he did. 

In the End: 

After the meetup I messaged him a few times then I realized what I was doing and left him alone. It was really really hard for me. 

How did I move on? Well I realized that despite my BPD behavior he played a big role in it. If he didn’t lie to me over and over again I wouldn’t have a reason to paint him pitch black and become agitated and start arguments. 

I realized that he is a huge liar. I realized that he is not worth my time and my love. 

I learned a ton of lessons on what I should and shouldn’t do in my next relationship and now I’m trying to work on myself. It’s hard because I feel like I need to be with somebody but I know that once I better myself it will make my relationship even better the next time. 

Before we met up in his car I told him to swear to god and promise me he wouldn’t shut me out if I promised I would leave me alone. I told him multiple times and he assured me we would talk. 

2 weeks pass from when we had a conversation (I wished him a happy New Year but I don’t count that cause that’s all it was). I asked how he was doing and he shut me out saying he didn’t want to talk. I was over him at this point but it really solidified him being a liar. I want nothing to do with him now. 

I can’t say I regret the relationship as it was my first and I learned a shit ton for future ones. All the problems aside he was really supportive and I genuinely believed he loved me. I hope. 

Take Away: 

Take time to think about your ex relationship and FP and remind yourself of their faults and why you think things wouldn’t have worked out. Remind yourself that you deserve someone supportive, it’s hard to think people are like that out there when it comes to BPD but as long as you are your true genuine self it will make things so much easier in the long run. I learned that I AM capable of loving somebody fully and I AM capable of recognizing my mistakes and apologizing genuinely for them. I proved a lot of BPD stigma wrong and it has made me feel really good. 

If you made it this far I hope that you were able to take something away from this :-)