I hope this type of post is okay, i just wanted to get stuff out. Within the last less than 2 months I've lost my 16 year old dog and spent about 8k trying to save my 15 year old cats life from hepatic lipadosis secondary to either a gi disease or lymphoma we'll have to treat for the rest of her life. I know that doesn't sound like much but they are my only family and pretty much my only friends. I've always been abused (sexually, physically, mentally) by my father and I've had a lot of trauma and mental health issues my entire life and through everything my dog  and my cat were the only ones ever truly there for me.

 My cat spent about 5 days at an emergency vet and then a internal medicine specialist and I completely shut down I pushed my mom away and my boyfriend, I cut off almost all contact with the few friends i had and really my phone in general and devoted every waking thought to my cats health and my grief over my dog. It consumed me and now I don't remember much of anything weeks during that time. I remember bring devasted when hearing about how serious my cats condition was and then I just woke up? My cat was already almost back to herself at that point but i still can just barely do anything it all just takes so much energy that I just dont have. Now it looks like she'll pull through and be okay as long as she keeps eating and stays on an appetite stimulant and steroids to treat the gi disease. 

The problem arises in me pretty much maxing out credit cards and applying for care credit to afford treatment. Now I don't have a job because they made me choose between taking care of my only friend, the only thing that really even matters to me and a fucking job. I'm still in such a deep depression that I don't think I'll be able to pull through for long so I've decided I just won't pay my bills or anything, 4 things have already bounced off my account in the past week but I just feel like I can't do anything, it takes everything out of me to even shower or leave the house and I'm expected to go back to work like everything's fine because my cat lived (with an uncertain life expectancy left at this point) and I don't even know how to go on. 

I know I sound lazy, spoiled, useless, I've heard it all so I can't tell anyone else about this but I just wish I could stop. I don't want to die per say but I want to stop existing I want to stop hurting I want things to stop bring so hard even if it's not actually hard I hate always being at a disadvantage and having to fight to stay regulated and on meds that work or with people who work only for it to fall apart and I wish I could sink into the floor and just breathe, really truly take a full deep breathe and not feel that tightness in my chest and my body for once.


TLDR: My dog died and my cat almost did too. Now I'm in such a deep depression that I can't take care of myself and can't go back to work so I'm ruining my life by letting all my bills bounce