I am a new diagnosis and at first, I was all excited as I usually am with a new diagnosis ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uic\_3vlI5BE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uic_3vlI5BE)). But not totally crazy about it because after diagnoses of obsessive-compulsive, generalized anxiety, major depressive, generalized anxiety, and bi-polar with no success of drugs or treatment I finally learned my lesson, so I thought. 

So when BPD showed up and it hit 100% across the board (both in my opinion and my wife), I was excited to try SSRR and lithium treatments. Low and behold those had effect! My sucidial ideation plummeted from around 50-60 times a day between gun-in-mouth, knife-in-throat, and the dreaded machete man to only around 10-20 gun-in-mouths! (thats closer to gen pop right?) 

So when that happened I got super fucking excited. I mean like the old bullshit "i'm cured" believes started flooding my brain, confidence sored, and I thought I was sailing to victory. My marriage was the best it had been in 5 years, and most of all both my wife and I were loving again and I felt like the chasm that sits between two warring couples finally bridged. We reached across the gap and found each others hearts again. It was wonderful and my wife felt amazing.

And then, unbeknownst to me, I shifted back into my negative mania space over the holidays. I started drinking a fifth of rum a day and started emailing some woman at my kids school (a parent we know) with inappropriate messages. Nothing overt, just pushing boundaries and sabotaging my marriage. Just sending them wasnt enough for me either. 

My wife and I were on a date night and she was basking in the glory of how far we had come in those five years to now, and seeing a whole new future. I thought that would be the best moment to tell her I was emailing that woman and immediately undid ALL of the progress we made since last year. 

&amp;#x200B;

She almost left me then and there, with my only save being a total quit of drinking, going to a 12 step program from weed, and staring DBT (something I thought last year I didnt need, I was cured!) 

&amp;#x200B;

Now here I am, all confidence shot that I have control over anything. The mania fever broke but I am still left holding the bag and not sure how I can convince my wife anything can be different. It CAN of course be different, but what words can I possiblly say now that I havent said before? I used to believe them because I didnt know I was in a fake room with fake emotions. I thought it was me and I would be me forever. Now I dont even know who I am going to be tomorrow. 

&amp;#x200B;

I am scared. I scared that I dont know who I am at any given time, and scared whoever I am about to become is going to burn everything down to the ground and I cant stop him. 

I am scared.