I feel the death near of me, I am scared, I feel like I will never be “happy”, I don’t have money, I have 24y/o and I am living with my mom, I am in quarantine, I didn’t see my friends in almost 2 months, often people around me said that “I am too quiet with my feelings” so they didn’t know if something is happening to me, so a time ago I start to share my feelings with my “friends” and no one of them have time for me, but they have time to other people, I will never understand why people push u to talk about ur feelings or suicide  ideas if they don’t fucking care, since January I am living with my mom again after living in other city alone with a toxic boyfriend, my friends of this city didn’t want to see me, and I can’t travel to my old town yet to see my “real friends” I feel so alone, and I want to die, quarantine was to much for me, my mental health is worst, and every I said to me “today it’s gonna be better” but is not, I am in therapy and my therapist always say me “u will feel fine, is a process” but it doesn’t, I hate my life, I hate myself cuz i can’t move of my bed, I feel heavy, and ugly and fat, one month ago I was workout at home but now I feel like shit, if u wanna more context please read my other posts in my account, maybe u will understand my situation, since I was a child I feel like I am not ready to live, and probably I will never be functional, I didn’t have “big goals” for my life but I can’t move,  I don’t have motivation, I am just want to have enough money to survive, I am trying to learn how tattoo cuz I am a “failure artist”, before pandemic I was a sexual worker, but for obvious reason I can’t work, I read a lot of philosophy looking for answers, and for a moment I feel good about my knowledge, now I remember what study but I can’t do it in my life, I don’t understand why I lost hope, reading help me to find that hope and now I can’t see nothing,  I want to die, I need to change but I can’t change, and I don’t want to live my life in this way but i am laying in my bed all day, I think that if I was rich or enough money my problems will be more quiet, but is not my reality, I don’t have money, I can’t work at “tradicional” job cuz I have panic attacks, I am fucking weak, life is for strong people and I am not like that, I don’t know if I can resist more time