Hey everyone! First, i want to acknowledge all my fellow peeps with BPD and comment on your strength in confronting this overwhelming disorder.

I’m a 27M and was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago. I hadn’t thought much of it as a big impact on my life until recently (and after 5 suicide attempts). I’m learning alot more, and now that I own that it’s apart of me, i feel like im making good progress on the healing. This vid helped me understand abit more aswell https://youtu.be/MkY7P5gtGww

SO, the issue I currently have is that im unsure if I have feelings for my friend 31F or some sort of intense emotional attachment.

We met at work about a year ago and have been speaking nearly everyday since. We really connect well but in the last few months, things have gotten weird. I said I have a crush on her (in a vulnerable moment) and she said that she has feelings for me. She is also in a polyamory relationship with a husband and a bf. she says  theres no chance of being together due to living far apart and essentially wont have time with me, which im cool with.

I feel like i wont be able to move on until I identify with whats happening and how to address it.

Ima dot point some key things that some of you may be able to connect with.

-i want to talk to her CONSTANTLY, i feel like i can be more open with her, than even my family. When things get rough for her, she retreats and doesnt talk to me much. My immediate thoughts are “she must hate me” and im literally left with intense sadness and cant perform my day to day tasks.

- in terms of being together, i felt like i was excited at the fact she would speak to me more if i was her boyfriend. Shes super attractive but I haven’t really thought about kissing or sex with her

- i feel like I would of been happy to fit in the poly lifestyle and not be jealous of her 2 partners. But feel like i get jealous of male work colleagues speaking to her.

-I feel like i cant grasp fully to what level she likes me. Some days shes super talkative, some days it feels like she doesn’t wanna know about me. Its super inconsistent and pisses me off haha

For now that’s all I can think of. Im sure that if I was hopelessly in love with her, ill work to have an honest conversation and do what i can to let it go. If I just emotionally lean on her, i can figure out some sort of sustainable detachment method where I’m not so affected. If its both, I suppose i’m effed

What are your thoughts? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? 

Thanks in advance :)