This would be a first for my depression vent posts since I'm doing it sometime after it. Happened, not during the meltdown (not sure what to call it)

I always seem to never see myself positively. The vent started simple and brought in past pain.

It started with thinking about doing video game live streams (yes, i know it's pretty tacky but bear with me)

The pain of not being beautiful as I'm not part of the universal standard of white woman with straight hair and thin body. Instead, i am a Mirabel lookalike if she was close to 200 lbs and on her 30s. Yes I'm still have the weight, but is getting a little bit better with the use of Just Dance to try and get rid of my stiffness. Playing it makes me feel like a newborn deer trying to walk.

I also hurt myself (not physically) due to not being very interesting. I feel like I'm not very funny, cool, or interesting enough for people. I get along with my friends and have a good time, but for the life of me can't hold a conversation with anyone in my family other than my mom (a friend of mine described living with her like having a college roommate. She's pretty chill as we know how to work together). I'm also seen as lame or boring by my brother, and i can imagine my niece and nephew as i don't indulge in drinking games and night clubs.

As a gamer, i feel like I'm very much a noob. I'm not the very best at video games as i don't know the very big jargons and technicalities as many others do, but i simply hop on to enjoy what the game provides.

I also suck at speaking. I'm not very good in putting sentences together as i was before. I have a hard time trying to explain things and it confuses the hell out of people as I've confused my friends on a number of occasions.. i wasn't very expressive as my older brother has forced me to just do as he says and never express anything, so i figured that and my isolation has something to do with it. I also don't know how to fix this.

Plus..

I'm socially awkward and have a huge fear of going out to meet new people. Especially here in south Florida. I've never gotten along with people here as, from my experience, people are very selfish and take advantage of people's kindness. Also, there's a lot of nothing to do if you're not an alcoholic and doesn't like the nightclubs nor the music played here...

With all of this, i also have concerns about trying to get back on track in my art career as a game designer, more so in environment art as i mainly want to go into lighting and even consider vfx.

I e considered before going to school, but due to student loans and the conflict between school and work, i had decided to give that up, especially when many of the schools here involve paying a lot of money to try and go back to school.

And i find it really hard to try and study on my own as I'm the only artist in my family and i have no idea how to find these resources. I feel embarrassed to ask friends as i feel like I'm being a burden by simply asking.

I still struggle trying to draw, as the last time i drew was last year around November when i started DND. Any other time, i would draw a few lines, get infuriated as it isn't coming out as i liked, and then ripping and crumbling the page out. My sketchbook is very thin with no drawing in sight..

So yeah..

I just hurt myself emotionally and have a very bleak image of myself and i feel like i have no chances of finding love and being successful in moving forward...