 

I started to like myself and make new friends but my break from pain is over, I have to go back to school now and suffer through another 6months of a shitty education system designed to turn people into fucking file cabinets. It's to the point we're a tutor I've had called me out and asked if I was okay because my personality had switched up so differently since the holiday started and it ending. I have plans to study overseas, maybe that could help, I've had hood friends who have probably gone through worse come out great. I just think I'm wasting peoples time and energy. My parents have tried so many times to know what's my lack of motivation to get good with school and I can't tell them it's because all I wanted to do was kill myself until the holidays. I finally felt free from the shackles of schools shitty commitments. I can tell them, my dad would dismiss it and say I'm just overexaggerating since I have "roof over head food and luxuries" when that just makes me feel guilty over the extensive money they spent on mw just so I can be a barely average student. I can't talk to anyone about this cause I know nobody will take me seriously and or treat me like a not capable as a human at all. As if I haven't been trying my godman hardest to be happy and grateful for the last 5 years of my life.  I want to do better and maybe I can find comfort in overseas studies but maybe I should just end it for the sake of time and inconvenience to everyone.

It doesn't help that im seen as this high and mighty almost perfect guy always social great with everyone and I can't be sad at all. It's not allowed for this perfect version of me. I don't care about social status what u do care about is how that can fuck my friends over. Ending myself is going to hurt them so much I can't help but feel sorry. But I'd hate myself more if they got shit for hanging around the sucidal moron who was a complete lie.