
23F, diagnosed with bipolar disorder &amp; an anxiety disorder NOS (?)
warning: SA, SI, sex, drugs.

I called the hospital today bc I’m terrified the scenes of me kms that flash in my head are going to come to fruition eventually. they said they’ll call back as long as the doctor accepts me.

ive went once before for 20 days, was good for a little after i was released until i stopped my meds, quit my job bc i thought my boss n manager were stealing money from me (suspected by my family member that they were n i just went with it) then was SA by an ex-coworker. 

I’m diagnosed bipolar, n think i’m rapid cycling but I honestly don’t know what’s happening with me. all i know is that i keep having visions of dying, have full blown conversations with myself, go from sobbing/feeling everything to emotionless/apathetic/careless and I see black figures that i stare at (or avoid) until i’m viscerally scared of it. earlier today I nearly convinced myself the CDC, CIA &amp; FBI were trying to cause mass hysteria through articles to control ppl/make us lose our minds for observation and im still kind of believing it. I also take song lyrics as inspiration for change in my life and think my friends and family absolutely hate me.

i’m not taking meds rn (i feel like that’s obvious), abuse drugs on weeks to month binges (liquor, coke, weed, E, molly, percocets, etc) &amp; have very risky, scary sexual encounters/get off to the most violent, immoral porn.

whenever i’m triggered by something, i think i go into psychosis(possibly?) but i never even know i’m in psychosis until after when I feel super confused, shameful, severely depressed or manic and am dealing with the severe consequences of my own actions (actions that feel like dreams) ie: recently unfriended all my childhood friends n burned bridges, skipping weeks of work, not talking to family, not eating or leaving the house. I will also be talking then all of sudden it’s like I can’t see or hear and I just come to seconds later and don’t know what I said to the person standing in front of me. It happened yesterday and has 2 or 3 times now.

I get into these episodes where I don’t know what’s real n what isn’t. if i’m real, if my surroundings are or what i’m even doing with my existence. I also go through periods of not wanting to speak or move, along with being extremely anxious in/about my body to the point where I don’t know how to position myself normally n feel like an uncomfortable, stiff blob.

but yeah, now i’m scared to go again bc I don’t want to disappoint my family, i’m gonna miss my cats n I feel so embarrassed for being this way. I also want to go for a short amount of time but i’m scared that if i tell the whole truth, i’m gonna be held there longer than anticipated.. i don’t even know if i’ll remember what it is that’s important to mention.

the worst is that i feel I have no control over it. im just watching myself do these things to myself while these voices are screaming at me to stop (or sometimes encouraging bc i will be feeling so important or as if im doing nothing wrong) but I never stop. it doesn’t even feel like me half the time.