That's burning inside my heart. I have never felt loved in my entire life. I do have family but they are toxic and controlling. Moderate physical abuse and huuge sums of emotional abuse especially when I was a kid, which turned me into this sick person I am. Never received any words of appreciation from them. Even though I was a bright student it's always "you are a failure, always will be; no matter what". 

Well, my friends like me but I cut them off. I assumed that I don't deserve friends because I'm mentally ill and I have BPD. I did that for their good, it was so hard. I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to hurt them. They'd never understand BPD, it's better to stay alone. I'm a monster who don't deserve people. I'm a monster who hurt everyone unintentionally because I'm too scared. I do stupid things because I have a huge fear of abandonment. 

I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night. Still do, but not that often. I just can't cry anymore. The only thing that makes me cry is wondering how it feels to be loved and cared. I just don't know how it feels to have someone by my side. I don't know how it feels to be held and wipe off my tears by someone who loves me. I don't know what love is. I don't know why it is so precious. I don't know what it is. I won't feel how it feels to love and to be loved in my life. I just know it. 

Feeling loved is just too much for me. Probably I'm gonna end my life if I feel loved because I won't be able to take it after all these years. It's just too much. Too much happiness will make me suicidal. I don't think I deserve love. I don't think I was born to feel loved one day. 

It kills me slowly. What did I do so wrong not to feel loved or cared? What's wrong with me? This makes me hate myself so much... 

Most of all, how it feels to be loved?