it was last summer and my girlfriend had just broke up with me and I was at theatre camp. I was having fun and was starting to get over the whole thing. I woke up smiling, not thinking about her, both of which strayed from my morning routine.
I have a very mission oriented grieving process so the rigorous rehearsals made it easy to forget. I actually spent a lot of the day alone because usually I hated being alone and it was nice to enjoy time to myself.
and then it was battle stations time. dressing room, makeup. My role was at the end and it had already begun so only a few actors were in the dressing room.
This nice kid, Stu was sitting by me. Suddenly I get a text from someone I never talk to with a bunch of sad faces, which I thought was weird. She told me what happened and I finally understood those weird moments in movies that always seemed melodramatic to me.
Where the character becomes pale faced, not moving, not speaking and all the audio is silent until someone calling their name breaks through.
Stu said my name a few times and asked whats wrong and until he asked that I didnt even really hear him. Everything was wrong and I wanted to scream about it but I just kinda pushed the words out "someone I love very very much killed herself"
and then I got up and left, I wasnt even self aware idk how to describe it. I think I called my mom because somehow she knew and came up to me after the show. next thing I remember is sitting in the dressing room and I found out not only she was dead but that she killed herself the night my ex broke up with me and I didn't even know till then.
I actually laughed, I was in shock still. It seemed like a joke. Only two people I cared about left my life at the same time and it was my fault. I had so much guilt abt her. She came to me so many times after her boyfriend died and I turned her away because I was still hurt over what she did.
She and I had a falling out recently because she had a very bad case of borderline too and would pull a lot of toxic stuff sometimes, and took it too far. I dont talk about this because nobody here really knew her and also for every suicide theres a dozen people claiming they knew her so well and I detest ever bothering her friends with that shit.
 Plus it doesnt make me feel better. Keeping quiet doesnt either. Idrk what to do. Since then my social skills have significantly declined, only real social interaction I can get is 100% theatrical manipulation. I feel next to nothing.
My anger has gone through the roof and my impulsive behavior has become dangerous. Especially because I am a master of stealth now when it comes to hiding from my friends and family.
Nobody knows this and nobody will.
I avoid emotional connections entirely now. I dont like anybody besides this girl who his basically a carbon copy of (lets just call my dead friend Eliza) Eliza. I am certain that I'm just attached to this girl as a surrogate of Eliza, the only person who elicits any sort of emotional connection for me anymore.
I have read how trauma can cause disordered personalities to develop different personality disorders or at least a strong development of the tendencies of a different disorder. I've seen two antisocial personality disorder (sociopaths/psychopaths) experts and two borderline experts.
The former believe I'm a psychopath and the latter borderline. I think that my case is so complicated that their confirmation bias leads them to the disorder they're an expert in. I don't forsee any recovery for this especially since I'm so indulgent in this new personality because it keeps me from getting hurt easily again but I also kind of miss the rush.
Life's so boring now, people no longer give me that light that made it easy to talk naturally. I am usually just looking forward to them not talking anymore. I'm not even really asking for advice I have just had a bad day and need to say it. But if anyone has any advice, I wont stop you.


TL; DR. Last summer my girlfriend left me on the same day my favorite person killed herself and now I am developing the symptoms of a psychopath. 