I have the strongest urge to completely disappear from everyone's life and start fresh, like everything never happened and everything is okay for once. I could be a completely different person, i could be happier. i wouldn't have to constantly remember them and wonder where things went wrong. I won't have to talk to anyone i used to know and i wouldn't have to run into them. i just want to disappear again and just be different. im not happy. im not sad, either but im just not okay. i don't know how to put it into words and i don't know how to say anything. i want to go mute and just not talk, i want to be that girl everyone loves. i want to be skinny and pretty, i want to be rich and happy. i want new friends. i want new people. i want to restart but i practically can't. im to scared to restart, im too scared to let go. i can't take the jump, i can't take the risk. im too scared. i know i don't really have anything to hold onto anymore but something is keeping me floating. i don't want to float. i want to sink. i want to fall. I want to simply not be a part of anyone's life anymore, just to disappear. I want to gather any evidence I ever existed and fucking burn it and put the ashes in the ocean or something. So many things are wrong that I can't fucking talk about because I'm "too young" to know what's going on or I just flat out don't know what the fuck is wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me but I know something is goddamn wrong. I don't know if I'm even going to make it to 18, I don't know if I'm going to own that ranch I've always wanted and have the wife of my dreams. I don't know if I'll ever pursue acting or become a barrel racer. I don't know if I'll live long enough for my dad to walk me down the aisle. I'm a minor and the only way I think I can feel validated is by selling my body to old fucking men on the internet because when I was fucking 11 or something some 26 year old liked me and I couldn't say no. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He paid me. He sent me pics. I sent him pics. He called me mommy. He was an age regressor. He roleplayed. I couldn't say no to him. I know his name and his workplace. I know the other ones name too. Im fucking 14. Is this whole thing a phase?? Is everything I do a phase?? what the fuck is wrong with me. I literally don't know what to say.

im sorry if this post is all over the place. I don't have therapy until next month and I don't have anyone else to turn to. I apologize for the shit formatting and whatnot and I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here. Just delete it and tell me to fuck off or something. I don't know. Im sorry.