I don't mean it in an "I feel my death is coming close" sense. Idk, maybe I do but I think it feels more like I'm losing my grip on everything. For any of you who might be worried that I might be one of the "I am gonna kill myself today" types, I wanna say that I'm not. I am not gonna kill myself, or at least not anytime soon. I made a promise to someone that I wouldn't and they did the same. I know I want them to keep their word so I know they might think the same. Although I don't even know if they remember that or even care at this point, It was back when we were happy. Nevertheless, a promise is a promise so if you feel like this post isn't worth your time feel free to ignore it. I mean, pretty much everyone does it irl anyway so I'm used to it. Or is that me being toxic? I honestly can't tell anymore.

Still, I am starting to feel like living my life isn't all that much of a better option. It does seem a lot more merciful and tempting to walk towards that absolute nothingness. I mean, I doubt I am gonna do any good. I am barely clinging to this sluggish human form and slowly losing my sanity. People have started complaining that I'm becoming a lot less responsive over the few weeks. There are times when I don't notice anyone unless they're yelling at me. I was always absent-minded from the beginning and Tbh I don't really mind the silence, It's just fine. Last night was pretty tough, I just couldn't go to sleep because of all the thoughts in my head. I had a lab class to attend this afternoon so I just took the sleeping pills, And no it wasn't an attempt. I did think about it though and wondered how many pills would it take to get the job done. I did that a lot of times by now. In the end, I just took one and went to bed. I slept like crazy for so long. I even had a dream. A dream in which I was a different version. I was talking to my ex and as usual, I was getting all excited about us and saying stuff like "Let's do this" "Let's do that" "I wanna make you the happiest". But then midway through the conversation, I did feel weird and that is when I realised it was a dream. In the dream, we never broke up and we were still excited about everything. I don't remember what happened next. But what's funny is even in the dream it was me still \*trying\* to be happy and not actually having those things. Like, yea I do get a lot of comfort being excited about things but why didn't I just dream of being with her or something. Do I not deserve that feeling even in a dream? was it just a reminder that I am never going to have that? It was bizarre but I was able to brush it off.

I took the bus to go to class today. Obviously, I was sitting alone. A guy came over and he looked at me for a second. I was just looking out the window hoping he wouldn't say a word. Then he looked all weird at me and proceeded to sit elsewhere. I mean yea I give out a depressing aura and I get that you don't wanna sit beside me but could you be less disgusted by me for the sake of politeness? I suppose if the world was that kind I wouldn't be feeling like this in the first place. The same thing happened in the lab. Everyone had lab partners and I just waited until I was the odd one out. the first half of the session was pretty normal. Then we had lunch break which I loathe, people sit around in groups eating their lunch. And It would have been torture to sit alone between all the crowd. I decided to go to the stairs on the top floor where no one goes and have my sandwich there. But to do that I had to walk through the halls without getting any attention. And for the most part, I didn't I just walked slowly so that I wouldn't stand out and no one would notice me. Some still did, I could sorta feel their gaze on my spine. I don't know how to explain it. I just went ahead anyway.

after lunch, we came back and the lab instructor was checking to see if everyone was back. He noticed that no one was beside me, and asked me "where is your partner?" and I responded "It's fine, no one was here in the first place" It was a casual answer and he nodded ok. But when I said that I felt a lump in my throat and started thinking "It's gonna be like this for the rest of my life huh, there will be no one beside me". A couple of my classmates noticed that sadness. I hear them whispering "What is with that guy?" " I don't know". I just pretended I didn't hear anything and buried my face in the lab manual. It did take every ounce of my will to not let the screaming anguish show on my face but I still managed somehow. Why has my life come to this? I kept thinking on the way back home. And I'm probably never gonna get an answer. I wanted to do something so I wrote this post. So that was my day. I hope everyone is doing better than I am though. If your life isn't beyond fixing I encourage you to give it a shot and live a happy life for those of us who haven't been so fortunate. Have a good day.