So I have no idea what exactly it is I have/am. I was diagnosed with ADHD, Asperger's (I know the term is outdated, but it wasn't at the time), OCD and ODD when I was 8 in the early 1990s. I've since gone through a re-diagnosis and it's been determined that I'm not on the autism spectrum and I don't have OCD. But it was in 2021 thus occurred over the phone and the psychiatrist said he does better in person. And I've since been faced with the fact that I sometimes see a creature that I know isn't actually there, feel like I have wings that needa burst outta my back, feel like I have a mechanical body underneath my skin... And if I could just get my flesh off I could be the mechanoid I really am.

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I often feel like people are doing things just to get under my nerves, even though I know they're not... I don't think they're talking about or looking at me, just doing things because of me. My mood will shift quite drastically over the course of a month, having full weeks of feeling so absolutely low... I have a constant desire to die, often via suicide. And I most definitely don't feel real, as if I'm some mass hallucination that only seems real because everyone says I am.

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I tend to think people are attacking or trying to control me when they're just being kind and trying to help me... I get into fights online a lot and often have no idea why people are so upset. Before any of it can be resolved I end up blocking everyone I felt attacked by and/or permanently leaving.

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When I was a kid they locked me in what they called the "quiet room." I've since learned to call those seclusion rooms. The ones I was in didn't have beds, I wasn't strapped down nor drugged... So I'd bang on the door til I just stopped and would sit there, staring, imagining how I'd bring a hammer next time to beat them with... See how they liked feeling pain. I never did do that... But I was also kept in there far too long. Even when I needed to use the bathroom they wouldn't let me out. After years of that I ended up finally pissing in the corner of one of them...

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Those rooms taught me to learn how to lie to them, to everyone. I lived that lie for a very long time... Until I was put on disability in 2004 and started hearing about not pretending anymore. Then that's when my online troubles started... Now I'm just at such a loss. Every time I get angry I feel a deep emotional hurt and every time I see someone else being angry I just feel like they're allowed to get away with something I'm not... And then I start getting on their case for their anger. And I just don't know what to do anymore...

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There's even more I haven't said here. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 18th in which I'm gonna see about getting back on Risperidone considering it's the only medication to have ever worked for me, but, if I can't, then I'm gonna start seeking assisted suicide. Because I just can't deal with this world anymore... It's so fucked up and ass backwards. You win, world. So, if I survive this... Then you better watch out because I am so done with your bullshit. I will thrive if it's the last thing I do.