I want to begin this post by saying how much I loved her. She was everything to me - my soulmate, my other half. We shared the sort of connection that everyone dreams of finding with someone. We had our whole life together planned out - we were supposed to get married after she graduated college and settle down in the country somewhere. We wanted four kids and and had all their names picked out. We'd decided that I was going to work to support our family while she stayed at home with our kids and wrote poetry. She wanted a green kitchen, and a black cat named Salem. For the first time in my life, the future was clear to me. 

I'm putting this front and center because I want to remind anyone in a relationship themselves that your partner *does love you*. If they say they are committed to you, if they say they love you, if they say they aren't going to leave, please try to trust that, no matter how difficult or terrifying it may be to do.

I loved my girlfriend more deeply than I'd loved anyone, but sometimes the fear of abandonment still got the better of her.  I don't know if she ever felt "good enough" for me. She would ask me why I was with her; she would say she was a piece of shit; she would try to avoid being abandoned by threatening to leave herself (I knew she never meant it). 

Sometimes when she was panicking, she could also be manipulative. Often I could remind myself it was the manifestation of her illness and respond with the love and reassurance she really wanted; other times I couldn't help resenting what she put me through. She would terrify me by texting that she was about to kill herself and then not answering the phone. One time she texted me that she had already swallowed pills; I called her and she admitted she hadn't. Because of incidents like these, it could be tough to know how seriously to take her threats sometimes. 

It was relieving when she told me once that although she talked about killing herself a lot, she hoped I knew she would "never actually do it."

Though at times being there for her could be an emotional rollercoaster, I thought she was stabilizing over the summer. She moved in with me at the beginning of June and we spent almost every minute together. We would take turns making the other breakfast in the morning. We would pick out new recipes to try and go grocery shopping together. I got her to come to the gym with me, and the exercise seemed to do her good - she started to lose the weight she'd gained from binge eating over the spring. On the weekends we'd go hiking, visit art galleries, attend concerts, and browse antique stores. She fell asleep in my arms every night. There were some episodes, but she was getting so much better at reigning in her emotions and communicating with me. I could see that she was trying, and I think that with my constant presence she began believing she could rely on me to stay. 

August 4th, I had to move two hours away to attend the graduate program I'm starting. My girlfriend would be moving in at her own university on the 25th. For those intervening 3 weeks, she would be moving back in with her mom. Unfortunately, her mom still lives in the childhood home where so much of my girlfriend's trauma had taken place. 

Being in that house was really, really hard for her. To my regret, I don't think I grasped just *how hard* it was. I thought that if she stuck to the routine we established over the summer (eating healthily; getting out of the house; exercising) that she could resist sinking back into a depressive state. 

My moving was also difficult for her, and triggered her fear of abandonment. Although I was busy with moving into a new place and starting school, I tried to make time for her - we texted every morning before my orientation session began and briefly in the day if I had a short break. As soon as I had time in the late afternoon or evening, I would call her. Most nights we talked for 2-3 hours on the phone. 

This wasn't enough to allay her fears and insecurities though. She was continually anxious about my breaking up with her - she kept asking if I was meeting and speaking to other women, and wondered if I was lying about being busy to avoid her. She would send me a barrage of text messages about how shitty she was feeling when I was in the orientation session (and thus unable to respond), but when I would get her on the phone later, she would seem distant. In many of our conversations, she was passive aggressive. 

I got resentful. I know now I was wrong to feel this way, but at the time I felt that the week should have been about *me* but that she was making it about *her.* I wanted her to text me after the day's session ended and ask me how it was; I wanted her to express interest in the things I was doing instead of responding impassively when I tried to tell her. It bothered me that she didn't seem to see how busy or stressed I was. 

I so wish I could have reminded myself that as "unreasonable" as her behavior might have seemed to me, she couldn't help it. I wish I could have separated myself from my own stress to realize how badly she must have been hurting. I wish I had taken the time last week, even though I was busy, to do something *special* for her. Texting and calling just wasn't enough to reassure her - I wish I had made her a playlist (she loved getting those), or written her a poem, or even just told her to pack up her things and move in with me until she started school. Any of those things might have made the difference. 

Thursday afternoon, the 11th, she was having a particularly hard day. She texted me when I was in the session that she was a piece of shit and just wanted to cry, binge eat, and kill herself. 

I'm going to own up to it, I did think she was being "dramatic." Fuck me, right? 

Around 5:00 I called her on the phone. As had been the case all week, she seemed unwilling to talk about the feelings she'd expressed earlier. She seemed distant and mildly irritable. I tried to get her to talk, but I was so exhausted from the past week I couldn't find the right words to coax it out of her. 

She kept leaving the phone without telling me. I'd wait 10, 15, 20 minutes for her to return. During one of these breaks in the conversation, I got tired of waiting and decided to go get some groceries so I could make dinner (new apartment so basically no food in the house). 

When she came back to the phone and heard I was in Publix, she was pissed. She said I was rude to go to Publix while I was on the phone with her. She said I wasn't making time for her. She said I was ignoring her earlier when I was registering for classes. I got frustrated back. I said that I was *trying* to make time for her; I told her that I was on the phone with her while grocery shopping because I wanted to talk to her as much as I could, even if it wasn't necessarily "ideal" for both of us. I asked her if she just didn't want me to do everyday things like register for classes and grocery shop and eat. I reminded her that if I'd waited til after we got off the phone, the grocery stores would be closed. I told her that if she couldn't handle my being in Publix while we talked, that I could just hang up and call her back when I was back home. I told her she was being selfish. I really regret that. 

We kept bickering. She asked why we were even together if we weren't making each other happy. She asked me if I could honestly say she made me happy. I told her that in that moment, I was unhappy with the bickering. I regret that too. Why couldn't I drop my frustration, and just say, yes, you make me so, so happy?  


As I was leaving the grocery store she hung up. As I was driving home she texted me and said she was going to do it. I called her but she wouldn't answer. I told her via text I was going to text her sister, and that got her to call me back. 

We talked for about 8 minutes. I can't even remember what we said. I remember she sounded angry and irritated with me, and I made the terrible mistake of assuming she had just threatened suicide to scare me. When I got to the parking garage she said she was going to go and I said I would call her back when I got home.   


When I did, she didn't answer. I still thought she was trying to scare me. I went to bed.

I got a phone call that night around 12:30 that the police had found her car, phone, and purse beside a pond. They found her body the following afternoon. 

I am still reeling. I have lost my other half. I feel it is my fault. And I'm afraid that when she did it, she must not have known how very much I loved her. My sweet baby girl is gone.