I’m an 17 year old boy from Australia, and I have been suffering badly. My whole life feels like it’s caving in on itself and I have these hopes and dreams of becoming an actor that just feel too hard to achieve. 

About 4 months ago I got reluctantly diagnosed with ADHD as my parents think mental health is bullshit so it took a lot of arguing and fighting to finally make it happen. I felt like it was the best thing to ever happen to me since I finally understood why I feel and act the way I do. I thought this was a major turning point in my life but I was mistaken. 

For about 4 months I have been on Ritalin and in all honesty I don’t feel that much different and I have major side affects such as extreme mood swings which is odd as I had that before the meds but now it feels as if it’s much more severe. The meds help a bit throughout the day but as I ease off them at night that’s when the feeling of complete darkness and emptiness kicks in. I feel depressed, horrible and sometimes have terrible thoughts that i'm scared i might go through with. I feel alone and extremely reserved at times then the next day i'm the kid making all the jokes and making people around me laugh and smile. I feel like a sad clown paradox and i don't know why, i just wish i know whats wrong with me so i can fix it because i feel terrible on the inside. I suspected it was the meds at first so i laid off taking them for a week but still felt depressed. Ive been smoking these stupid vapes for almost 2 years and been heavily addicted to porn since year 3 or 4 so i tried quitting but it was so hard i just gave up. Then i thought maybe the depression is caused by the trauma i endured for most my life by my parents, i though about all the times my parents beat me up or kicked me and verbally abused me but even with all of that i still don't think my depression is caused my that. 

Maybe its caused by all these bits and pieces in my life, i really don't know. I just need help and i don't know where to go for it anymore.