sorry for the long post! 

I love my boyfriend (fp) more than anything, I want to be with him, were moving in together in 2 months to his hometown which is about 3 hours from where I currently live. he is wonderful in so many ways and I do truly feel like I have found my person.

the problem is there have been things that have happened that hurt me. I don't know how to get over it. he broke a promise and lied to my face, he did things he knew hurt me. but I also feel like I'm overreacting because of my BPD. to sum it up as short as I can (which still isn't that short) I told him when we first started dating that I wasn't comfortable with him following naked girls on social media. he understood and was very caring about it, but then he kept going behind my back and lying about it. that's where it bothers me most, i would have been willing to talk things out and come to a compromise. but no, he lied so many times. everytime we would have this huge talk that would end with us making up and me promising to work on my insecurities while he works on his addiction to that stuff. it's happened so many times though and it's constantly bugging me.

I'm also consumed with guilt, I've never cared about that kind of stuff in past relationships. but this is the first time I've been in love, and I think it's mainly because I set a boundary and he disrespected it without even trying to communicate with me.

somedays I want to just leave him and forget all of this and move on, other days I feel so guilty for asking him not to do that. I feel guilty that I hate the way I look so much in ways I never did before, i hate that my brain made such a huge deal over something so mundane. I wish I didn't care, i wish I could be a cool girlfriend that isn't bothered. I wish I felt secure.

anyways it's driving me crazy, it has been for months. jumping between wanting to leave him and loving him more than anything. I can't get it out of my head, everything he did that hurt me. I don't know how to let go and forgive him. I've been in such a dark place recently and as embarrassing as it is to admit it does have to do with all of that, i know I'm sensitive but this has just been so much on top of everything else I'm coping with. I've almost attempted suicide twice now in the past 2 months and I'm scared I'm gonna lose it one of these days. 

I want to add too, I've never lashed out at him about it. I've told him from the start that communication and honesty is the biggest thing for me, that whatever it is if you're honest about it it's gonna be a million times easier to work though. I've worked really hard to communicate healthily and so far I have done a fairly good job at it I believe. the only reason he wouldn't be honest with me is because he knows it hurts me and he hates seeing me cry. 

but then I go back to feeling like I'm just overreacting and forget about it for a few hours until something triggers me again. I hate my brain. I just want out of this cycle so badly.