My dad has been a pretty much absent figure my whole life. A respected senior in his company, he's a workaholic and earns enough to send me to college, but just about damn emotionless for anything else. When I was a young girl, Both my parents worked til late at night and I was raised by my grandmother, but he was even more uninvolved with my life than my mom was, never taking any interest in my thoughts or experiences except to sometimes comment on my grades. As I later heard, it wasn't "interesting" to him. 

Fast forward I am 18 now. I've had few friends who were no better than frequent acquaintances, no longer live with my grandmother, i had immigrated to America 7 years ago and just started college oos. This has been one of the most stressful weeks I've ever experienced. I'm failing to make new friends and interacting with people. I realized I am 'not rly interested' in meeting and conversating with new people. I feel as if no matter what I say, I'll never get my ideas across anyways because it's absurd or my language is flawed. Either way I'll never interest anyone and I won't understand them either.

Whole yime I kept thinking about dad. I never even thought to share my thoughts with him! I called him for the first time since I got here. That I don't feel well, always have been, it's hard for me to understand people and I might have adhd or slightly autistic or whatever. I asked him to understand my feelings. He only tells me he can't because I'm not focusing on solving the problem. He only tells me people in his workplace who has those symptoms work just fine, just a bit of difficulty in daily conversations that's it. Like that's the only thing that matters.

Idk, he sounds right. Always does. Then why do I feel so resentful of him? I thought I knew what I was looking for when I started that call but now I don't anymore. We gad a talk but didn't really have a conversation because we don't understand eachother. Like I often do with pther people, but so does he with me.

Long post, sorry, I feel exhausted too. I have really negative thoughts these days and it's funny because it's supposed to be straight forward. I want to meet and engage with other people but at the same time don't. People get confused because I don't decide which. What's wrong with me?