I am the most depressed I have ever been. I feel like the failed product of a marriage between two teenagers who made poor decisions. I feel like I didn’t develop right as a child bc of this and will never be a normal, functioning person. I feel incapable of being loved and unable to form any lasting/meaningful relationships. I haven’t been able to really get back to a full time job, so im basically unemployed. I have no education past high school and I barely managed that, no achievements to show an employer who I am I and what sets me apart, and a faltering will to even continue trying. The worst part is my older siblings who endured the same upbringing have all managed to find some kind of success, so it must be an issue with just me right? Just a total loser, weak too. 

&amp;#x200B;

I feel like I have fallen behind in life. There were times in recent years where I did find motivation and excitement for something but without fail it always took a turn for the worst. Sometimes it was totally my fault for not always making the right decision, but it also seemed like the universe just wanted to fuck with me. I hate myself for wasting opportunities presented to me and not taking advantage of how much time and freedom I had back then. I regret wasting those critical years. I am totally lost in the flow of causality, struggling to break free to find just one path that will bear fruit.

&amp;#x200B;

I desperately wish I could attend therapy, but even through my parents insurance I couldn’t afford it. The medication my regular doctors prescribed does fuck all so I dont even know what a therapist could do. At the end of the day I’ll still be me, and who I am is the constant identifiable cause of failure. Also don’t even have a car to reliably commute with atm lol I really am a loser. Seems like the worlds going to shit and I won’t be able to take any steps forward in life anyhow. I truly do feel like I will always be stuck as this, pathetic, worthless, dull version of myself. That the whole reason that I exist is to be miserable so the worthy can appreciate the gift that life is. 

&amp;#x200B;

Am I looking for attention, pity, advice? Not really honestly. I typed all this out in my notes but still felt like I was keeping it all bottled up inside. So, Im posting it on a burner account hoping to relieve some of the weight I feel in my chest. I sincerely wish all of you who may have read this happiness in life, you deserve it. Tomorrow we both return to the eternal struggle, and will face what life has to throw at us. I wish you luck in your fight, struggler.