Edit: Advice is okay. And a repost cause I accident was on the wrong account. This is long as hell omfg lol. I’m sorry.

So to start off I have BPD, OCD and chronic PTSD. I suffer from depression and anxiety heavily. Basically I’m a hot mess lmao. I can’t currently hold a job or afford therapy/medication. I’m very “stuck” atm. My boyfriend doesn’t have any diagnosis, but he clearly has abandonment issues, and he’s suffered from depression/suicidal thoughts in the past. So anyways. 

We’ve been dating a little over a year and we are long distance (US and UK... it sucks) we haven’t been able to meet because covid happened. He’s having a really difficult time finding work. He has a hand injury that he gets like a disability check for every month. So he’s saving what he can for a visit. But obviously it’s taking a lot longer than if he had a steady income. But despite that, Im crazy in love with him and while sometimes I feel like he doesn’t love me, deep down I know he does. I don’t doubt I want to be with him for the long hall. So here’s where the issue is... i feel like I’m suffocating a bit. I’ll give a couple examples.

Last week, we were watching anime and my eyes started getting heavy/hurting. I said I was done watching. (We talk on ps4 literally every day, we fall asleep with each other too when our sleep schedules are lined up.) so there we were in party, just like relaxing. About 30 min go by and he asks me what I’m doing. I told him I was just chillin, scrolling on Instagram. He says “I thought you were too tired.” In that really annoying, accusing type voice. I try to defend myself calmly at first by saying, “yea my eyes were tired but it’s not the same as having to like read captions and pay attention. I’m just being like lazy rn.” And he just basically says the same thing. “Yeah but you can scroll...” and at that point I was pissed and annoyed. This isn’t new. Situations like this happen, weekly. I said “no I’m not fucking doing this. I’m not gonna be made to feel bad for doing something completely normal.” He then says in a sarcastic childish voice “haha okay whatever, guess I’ll just leave then bye bye.” And proceeded to mute his mic. I said “okay ima just leave party then.” So he then messages me and said “so you’re just gonna leave. Don’t bother inviting me to party tomorrow.” I then defend myself and we go back and forth but ultimately I walk away from it cause I cannot stand the arguing. Anyways, the next day he messages me and says that “I’m human. I’m going to feel a little aggrieved when you say you want to stop cause your eyes feel tired then 5 minutes later your scrolling. I won’t apologise for that. I muted myself to stop an argument and you exacerbated the situation by leaving party.” That’s word for word. I copied and pasted. And I kinda went off on him. Saying that that’s bullshit. Expressed how shitty it feels to have him constantly blame everything on me, how he doesn’t take responsibility for his own actions/words/tone. And it especially hurts me cause he knows how I struggle mentally. 

Fast forward and after a lot of back and forth and him defending his words, he finally apologizes. But after I basically have to beg for it. It gets so tiring.

Another quick example was one time I had woken up, we were messaging each other and I kinda had a morning to myself, not in party with him, but I still messaged him throughout the morning. I was actually really happy because he wasn’t being like clingy or making me feel bad (which is a habit of his.) so anyways I tell him I’m gonna be joining our party soon. I end up watching a long ass political video, like 10 minutes after I told him I’d be on he messaged asking if I was coming on. I then told him sorry I started watching this debate video. So then like 20-30 min later I finally say okay I’m coming. We go back and for a min and he says that he’s been waiting on me, so I said sorry and then he says “Sorry, just been sat here waiting for you to feel well enough to interact with me all day and when you do watch videos....”

Which like!!!! Fuck. We then had an argument exactly like the one I already described. It was the way he said “well enough to interact with me all day” even though we had been messaging all day. Like if he just said the part about waiting, that’s fair. I told him I was coming on and then took forever. But the thing about saying how I didn’t interact with him at all, all day. Felt like a slap in my face. It’s like I’m always being blamed for something. I’m always doing something wrong.

I feel like I have so much on my shoulders. I’ve been working so hard to keep myself in check, cause I’m not perfect. I have mood swings. I can be extremely irritable at the dumbest things. I just feel... at a loss.

This is going to sound selfish af... but I never get to be the mad one or the hurt one. I never get to go through my mental breakdowns. It’s all bottled up. It’s always about him. The blame is always on me. And those stupid sentences stick with me. There’s a huge list of shit that just repeats in my head over and over. 

He’s acknowledged the way he is, that he wants to be better. But I’m seeing no improvement. It’s still a weekly thing. But I feel like such a dick when I complain or stick up for myself. Because I know what it’s like to not be able to handle your emotions. 

But I feel like I’m starting to get mad at him for it. Cause I try so hard to suppress myself and my issues and I don’t see him trying. Ugh.

And then idk if I’m like making things bigger than what they are. If I’m being too sensitive. I just don’t know.