i realized i don’t think i’ve ever been in a healthy relationship. and most of them have probably been my fault. but i think right now i am dating someone with undiagnosed bpd. i self diagnosed at least 3 years ago (and have been professionally diagnosed since) so i’ve been working on myself for that amount of time. i’m not perfect at all, i still struggle constantly, but i’m self aware. i know what i need to do to get better, and i have a little bit of hope because of that. my boyfriend has no hope for anything getting better. and i see so much of my old self in him. my bpd ways. it’s made me realize my toxic traits (more than i already did) like how being in my moods really brings everyone down. because he does, he always brings my mood down. and usually when he does, he’s very aggressive and rude. it’s not always rude towards me, or mad at me. but what triggered this was he was mad and he told me how pissed he is that he has to make money his whole life and will probably “have to support us because all your money will go towards that stupid fucking cat rescue” (what he said to me) which just hit me because it’s him insulting something i’m working so hard on and want to be proud of. (also i have a bachelors degree and he’s a high school drop out so that pisses me off making me seem like the bum when i’m most likely going to be the main money maker in the long run). 
so anyways i looked up how often should your boyfriend make you cry. i feel like just looking that up is a bad sign and should tell me something. 
but here’s what i need advice on. this is my longest relationship. before him, ALL i wanted was someone to put up with me long enough to get past the tough beginning of learning how each other works. i know how hard it is to want to fix things while also being the problem. logically i feel like i know the answer is two borderlines cannot be together if one is much farther along in their “recovery journey.” but i think about how badly i wanted someone to stay. and he also tries to kill himself if i leave him. he’ll try to do it at my house too, it’s so hard to leave. and it’s not that i want to but i think i need to. this also might just be what i deserve, because i’m not perfect either. he just hurts me so much. but i know i hurt him as well with just the way my personality is.