a while ago about 2 weeks again I sent a reaaallly long message to what now is probably my only friends on discord about all the things going wrong and how I’m gonna take a break and yet I still haven’t ahah. I’m looking at starting it this week but who knows. It’s really difficult BC I just end up thinking about all the wrong things when I’m alone anyways so it’s making me not wanna take a break BC they’re all I really have right now. All of my friends irl who, luck for them were in a better mental state than me senior year are all at college. I don’t really think those people were really my friends tho, now that I think about it. I tried to get into a relationship, twice which didn’t work at all. I’m like in this weird period of still people pleasing sometimes BC I don’t have anyone and also realizing well if they want to be with you they’ll understand you and your needs and things you might need help with.Which keeps turning out to not be true at all. they all just keep using me and I don’t realize it fully until it’s too late but then it’s my fault for not saying what I truly want when in reality they didn’t and weren’t ever gonna listen to me anyways. It sucks more BC they keep acting like they want to come back and are all abut the im here for you or I need to think stuff and I’m just confused as to what I mean to people and how much they care about me at all.I’d rather you jus say you never want me around anymore. I also talked to another friend and he was genuinely surprised about how I think I’m the last thought on peoples mind, I don’t get how he doesn’t see it,No one else really gets what’s going on and as much as I don’t want to, being alone and having no one think about you/not having anyone to think about is much easier. On a good note I found a app to journal some stuff, I think it helps a bit to do it in the moment if you’re having an episode or something and be able to reflect on it later.I’m trying but everyday gets worse and not any better. Hell this is probably just the tip of the ice berg and If I could go into detail about every little thing wrong rn I’d be here all night.