12 months ago I broke someone.

They were lovely and amazing and unfortunately they were a victim of the fact that I didn't understand what was wrong with me.

I grieve the pain I caused them and their family and friends almost daily. I dont run from it, I make no excuses and I accept wholeheartedly their perception of me.

I own the fact that I am unhealthy.i own the fact that I am still at the mercy of my impulses, that I am still so early on in my journey.

I used to be so full of energy. So charismatic. I was attractive to people and they were drawn to me...fed me.

Now things are different. I know who I am now. I understand the pain that I have caused over 20 years of ignorance and I cannot ignore it. I am not who I once was.

Life is different now.

I'm sad. I feel like I messed everything and everyone up. I feel like I abused the trust that was placed in me. I took beautiful people and scarred them. They really had no chance.

But I'm aware. I'm sad but I now have the opportunity to protect other people by leaning into what I am and who I am.

Colors seem threatening at times now. I can't trust lust. Attraction need to be quelled and questioned. Life is thicker, in some way. Slower and more uncertain.

Life is different now.

But I have no choice. I now know who I am.