I don’t know how I’m supposed to accept this life, how I can find any peace, let alone joy. I go through these spells of simultaneously feeling excruciatingly empty inside, like I’m not a person at all, hopeless, helpless, full of despair, agonizingly apathetic, and achingly bored. I cannot tolerate them. Nothing distracts or soothes me. I am too apathetic in those states for that. And between those states, ALL I can do is be terrified of the next one. It’s literally ALL I can think about. And I have no interests or hobbies or passions. I don’t feel much in the way of emotions other than fear. I have friends but they all live elsewhere and all I talk to them about is that state and how scared I am of it. I have three therapists right now because I can’t choose between them. I don’t know that therapy can help me to stop going into the state I described and that’s all I want from it, really. One therapist is a positive psychologist and she’s all about imagining with your heart and mind the changes you want in yourself and your life and thinks that state is reversion to a frozen childhood trauma state. Another therapist is all about reparenting me and getting me to accept myself as I am and thinks that state is a construct of my psyche I can actively refuse or avoid (does not feel possible). The third therapist is psychoanalytic and psychodynamic and transference focused and he says that state is caused by repressing emotions. I don’t know what causes that state. I don’t know what can help me to eventually stop falling into it. I don’t know how to tolerate it. I don’t know how to hold a job while in it. I don’t know how to MAKE myself more of a person- with more feelings and interests and hobbies and a job I care about who takes more satisfaction from her friendships. I tried DBT for six months but spent three months of that time in that state, unable to do much of anything in the way of skills. The other three months, I was doing some skills here and there but mostly just obsessively worrying about returning to that state. I feel beyond hope and stuck.