On paper, I have a whole lot going for me. A lot of successes with my work,  and doors opening for my career. I'm graduating soon and have a new job lined up. I have a few people who care about me. I have some great jobs and access to therapy that I worked really hard to get. Sometimes, I care so much about those things (mostly my career) that it's overwhelming. It seems like everything is worth it when I get published somewhere or another door of some sort opens.

But, the attachment to it all can disappear in the blink of an eye. I was going to meetings in the morning, and then in the afternoon I was really close to killing myself over a small argument and I kept racking my brain for the things that are supposed to keep me here, but none of them had any weight. Job? Shrug. Sibling who cares? Shrug. Future? Take it or leave it. In these moments it's like I have no feelings at all about anyone or attachments to anything. I can walk away from it all without batting an eye. 

I think I maybe started doing this as a kid as a defense against losing things. My parent was very loving at some times and deriding and violent at others and it was too hard to keep going back and forth, so I figured out how to stop caring about her. (At least, I felt like I did). But now I do that about everything in life. It's so easy to just let go of everything and have zero feelings about something I cared about deeply just hours ago and will probably care about deeply again tomorrow. 

Does anyone else relate? Is this a BPD thing? 

Therapists keep asking me "so why didn't you kill yourself" or "what was it you stuck around for" and I just have no idea because I ask myself those same questions and in those moments, come up totally empty-handed.