Hello! I am a 50-year-old woman, widowed, in a poly relationship with a trans woman who may have undiagnosed BPD, based on our 2.5 years of interacting with her and my therapist's insights.

I live with her and our mutual boyfriend. We are trying to separate from her, and for boyfriend and I to get a place of our own. Initially, we told her we were open to continuing to date her while living apart. We wanted to try to ease any catastrophic fears of abandonment. But all she heard was that we are leaving our shared apartment and is making impulsive, irrational threats. She claims her only option is to trade in her car for a van to live in.

She has been unemployed for 10 months, and even before she was laid off two months into COVID, she relied on me to pay her moving expenses so we could live together and to float her loans to cover her bills. This was despite her making a high-five-figure income and me being a full-time student living on savings. She is a compulsive shopper and overspender. I estimate I have given her $20,000, and I will likely have to take out student loans to finish my masters program.

I am studying to become a relationship counselor and sex therapist. I knew she had mental-health problems - depression, anxiety, ADHD - and trauma from being raised by a controlling father. I thought I could provide emotional support while she worked through it. Instead, it gradually became obvious that much more was going on with her.

She leaned on me to an unhealthy degree, especially after she was laid off and we were both home all day together. My mental and physical health have both suffered from the constant crises and her seeming inability to take care of herself. I am a people pleaser, and I take full responsibility for my part in creating an unhealthy dynamic. I have tried to set boundaries, but she has a way of blowing right through them like a hurricane. When I tried to address my wants and needs, she would respond either by telling me I was attacking her, and that I needed to completely change my communication style to avoid triggering her, or that she was a terrible girlfriend and a shitty person, and I should leave her. Both resulted in me trying to comfort her and to put her back together emotionally rather than addressing my own issues. We have been caught in this unhealthy cycle for a while.

Thanks for listening to me vent! Right now, I'm looking for ways for me and my boyfriend to stand firm while she pulls out all the stops to manipulate us into continuing to take care of her. We have 10 weeks until our lease is up in mid-August. My boyfriend is struggling in particular. Because I spend more time with her, I have identified her patterns for what they are, while he is just now getting the full assault of her mood swings and irrationality. I think he still knows we need to leave, but he's really scared that she will end up homeless and alone, and something even more terrible will happen to her (and it will be our fault, in his mind).

So far, I have borrowed Talking to a Loved One with BPD from the library, and I put a hold on I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Are there any other resources any of you can suggest? Or any coping strategies to help keep the two of us calm in this storm?