So this girl (18, same as me) is my friend from 4 years. At the very first time we met, i instantly decided that she was so perfect and i should keep her in my life forever. 

She hugged me a lot, kissed me a lot that people started thinking we were lesbians. She protected me from the crowd and she helped me about my introvert self. I even thought many times, if i was in love with her or she was just a friend. I liked her THAT much. 

But, she also used to act so mean to me. She hugged me saying beautiful words every morning and after a while she started saying weird things about my look. She sometimes said incorrect things about my personality and somehow made me believe that she was right. 

For 4 years, i loved her to death when she hugged me and hated her so bad when she hurt me. My feelings for her always went up and down repeatedly. Most of the time when i come home from school, i cried to my parents, told them how much i care about her but she’s a bad person and she hates me. I cried thinking i don’t like her anymore, but then i forgot about everything when she hugged me again. 

Maybe i was overthinking about the things she did but, im pretty sure she wasn’t acting normal. Not only abusing me physically/mentally; she also copied my personality, my look, my hobbies. When i thought about all the things she stole from me, i hated her so much that i wouldn’t hesitate killing her. But somehow it was enough for me to love her again if she just texted me. 

I learned about BPD a few months ago and i thought i most likely had BPD. Since i didn’t have any friends at all, this one “friend” showed me a lot about my personality... Now i learned about my state, i also accepted that she abused me for years. But still i feel like there’s something keeping me away from getting her out of my life... I just can’t do it and things are getting worse for me like this. 

Now i don’t even know what i really feel... I’m like, caged by her?