One of the scariest nights of my life by far. (Name redacted) was having a rough day yesterday, wouldn’t nap, wouldn’t eat and just all around cranky and not in a good mood. By 9:30 last night she had had enough with today and was starting to get drowsy, then she kept spitting up and I could feel her belly rumbling. So, I decided to give her some gripe water. Never again. She started to choke. I started patting her back, then realized she was struggling to breathe. So I patted harder. She starting going limp and turning blue. I screamed for her to come back to me so hard while doing infant cpr. Finally she got a breath in and she screamed. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. I scooped her up in my arms and squeezed her little body and cried so hard with relief but then I started to think about the fact that I just almost saw my baby die in-front of me. Then all the what ifs came flooding in and I lost it even more. We got lucky. I could be planning my baby’s funeral right now. I’ll never use gripe water in the dropper ever again. I’m so thankful my baby is still here with me.

I stayed up all night thinking of what could’ve happened had I not known how to do cpr on infants. Every sound she’d make I’d instantly sit up in bed and check on her. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life. I kept imagining the horror of losing my baby. While I rocked her to sleep I saw her empty bassinet and told myself that could’ve been it. I could’ve lost my sweet baby forever over a stupid mistake. I can’t forgive myself. I feel so guilty. I’m pretty sure I’m developing some sort of ptsd or something. I just keep reliving that nightmare all over again. I’ll never forget looking into her lifeless eyes and seeing her little body limp and blue. I don’t know how long I was doing CPR but when she finally took that first breath all her color came back and she screamed so loud. I fell to my knees and sobbed, thanking all the Gods that they let my baby come back to me. She never lost consciousness so the 911 operator said she didn’t need to be check out by EMS but to call them if she had any difficulty breathing the following hours/day. I’ll never be able to get that image of her face out of my head. It’s burned into my memory forever and I hate it. Scariest day of my life by far.