Hi everyone,

I am a 23 year old boy living in the Netherlands. I am currently folliwing a master's degree in Accountancy and working at an audit office as a senior. After work I like to exercise in the evenings. So you can say that I have an active life with a fixed pattern. But I've actually felt really bad and scared for years. Unsure of myself and a lot of doubts. Doubts about my choices, about what I want in life and whether I want to continue like this. There's not a moment when I can stop thinking, it drives me crazy every now and then. My thoughts sometimes feel like an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I worry about work-related matters, other times I worry about the future, or money matters, or relationships etc. I often feel sad, tired, restless, guilty or worthless. When I feel very down I prefer to lock myself up and listen to music, smoke some weed or use some benzo’s. I know it's not a solution but it helps me a lot to still my thoughts. I just don't understand what's wrong with me. I also don't dare to talk to anyone about it because the people around me propagate that everything is going well with me (I attend school nominally, have managed to buy an apartment in this hectic time and earn a good income). I often feel alone and misunderstood despite having many friends around me that I like to hang out with. Even so it makes it very difficult for me to talk about my feelings. I often feel alone and misunderstood despite having many friends around me that I like to hang out with. I've never really been in a real relationship. When these kinds of romantic moments get too close to me, I run away. Afraid of being rejected, not meeting her expectations. I just have a feeling that is respond to a lot of things and situations with fear and dread. Sometimes I get a lot of heart palpitations too. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and have started using more drugs during the corona lockdowns to get myself to sleep more easily (read soft drugs, alprozalam etc.). I just worry a lot and feel a lot of pressure. Sometimes these situations can get so intense that I just cry.

My relationship with my parents is not great. My father and I don't get along very well, we are both very stubborn to each other. I haven't had a good conversation with him in ages. My mother, on the other hand, does everything for me. I love her and she is very proud of how far I have made it at 23. Still, I don't dare to talk to her about my problems because I'm afraid they didn't see it coming. The same goes for my twin brother. I love him and he is also a friend to me at the same time. He likes to talk about his feelings with me and I like to help him with this. However, this makes it more difficult for me to talk to him about this. The feeling they might see me as weak scares me.

The weirdest thing about it is that I can also have enormous moments of happiness. We recently got a new dog, I love being with my friends, partying and visiting activities. As I mentioned, I also like sports.

I thought about sharing my thoughts here and would love to hear from the internet about my situation. What should I do? How can I make sure that these fears and doubts no longer control me. Should I go to a doctor/psychologist?