The past few years have been super tough for me with all these lockdowns and restrictions. I always thought I was an introverted person, but not being able to see friends and having to do virtual school has really taken its toll on me. For context i'm a mid 20s male. I was struggling to find a job in 2021 after graduating while most of my friends were working and actually making progress in their lives. I honestly felt like ending it all several times, and in mid 2021 i spent like 2 weeks not talking to anyone, just sleeping all day and staring at the walls and crying.

Since then i've been feeling somewhat better overall, and I managed to get lucky and land a job after a year of applying to things, but these random bursts of depression hit me out of nowhere. It's like I wake up and I just know today will be one of those days. I'll have weeks of feeling "normal" and then just 1 or 2 days of being super suicidal, to the point where I'll write out a note and everything. I think i'm probably too much of a pussy to actually go through with it, but I consider it a lot. It's difficult to describe and I hate to admit this, but I almost wish I could just attempt and survive so the people around me would know i'm not just being depressed for attention, and that I really am struggling right now.

Getting a job has definitely helped me not feel as useless and worthless as I used to, but as it stands I'm still disappointed in myself, and I feel like I'm letting life slip by as a casual observer. I still live at home, i've never had a girlfriend or really any romantic relationship whatsoever, obviously still a virgin... literally never even held hands with a girl/woman who wasn't a family member in my life. Sure, there is nothing wrong with being single and i'm still young in the grand scheme of things, but it is all I can think about. I truly obsess over not having had any sort of romantic connections, I think about it so often and it is one of my most closely guarded secrets. Literally nobody in my life knows this about me and I would rather jump in front of a bus than admit it.

When I was younger I was quite obese, and was always known as the "big guy" (re: the fat kid), but in undergrad I really decided to turn my life around after crushing on a girl I knew. Over the next few years I lost 100lbs and was ~155lbs at 6ft, and it was the first time in my life I thought I could actually be worthy of someone else liking me back. Then in mid 2019 I took up weight lifting in the hopes of improving my appearance more, but then obviously COVID happened and I haven't had any opportunities to meet new people or explore any new relationships.

I know tons of depressed people can barely get out of bed and brush their teeth, and I truly feel for them cause I was there at one point, but now i'm just obsessed with working out to improve my looks. Not even for the health benefits, I truly could not give any less of a fuck about that. I 100% do it for looks; i am desperate to improve myself in any way. I literally work out 5 or 6 times a week and have continued it for almost 2 years now, cause I just can't stop thinking about being a single lonely fucking loser and never attracting anyone.

And that's where the title of this becomes relevant. Some days I look in the mirror and flex/pose and think, ok maybe i'm not so bad? Maybe I should sign up for a dating app or something? (yes i'm aware of how toxic dating apps in general are but IDK how to meet new people at this point).

But then other days like today, i'll look in the mirror and think that i'm just the worst. Like wow you fucking gross loser. Look how fat and ugly you are. In 2 years of working out that's all you could accomplish? Look what other people were able to do in half the time, how pathetic. You look like a basement dwelling loser that's spent the last few years sitting on the couch jacking off to hentai.

Sorry for ranting to anyone who read this far. Just in a slump today and feeling like garbage again.

Thank you for reading &lt;3.