Does anyone else miss the chaos of your whirlwind abusive relationships? Did it feed your emotional instability in order to fool your conscious into believing that it was excitement instead of anxiety and anguish every step of the way? Do you still believe you love that ex of yours that left you in a heap of torment and self-loathing and told you it was your illness that turned him into a monster? Do you believe him? Do you still have dreams plagued by his presence where it goes back to the beginning where everything was undeniably happy and beautifully content? Do you still have dreams were you leave everyone and everything behind because he tells you to for you to be with him, only to find out he hasn't changed? Do you sit and wonder why you still think about this hollow shell of a man who emotionally beat you down enough to try a feeble attempt of suicide? Who told you that you should of tried harder when it didn't work? Why do you think you deserve this type of person? Why do you want someone like that? Is it because in amongst the terrible times there were slight glimmers of great memories? Or do you truly hate yourself that much that you can't accept affection and patience of wonderful people who want to support you through your dark times and believe you deserve the abandonment, the emotional tornado of dysfunctional communication and abuse, and the constant neglect of love? Or do you just miss the drama, the feeling of uncertainty, the lack of validation, the craving of attention, the idea of not knowing how people truly feel about you. Do miss the chaos? Or do you  miss what you feel you deserve?


Ignore this, i needed to dump my over-dramatic brain onto a text box before my head exploded.
I'm having one of those days where you don't know which emotion to trust, and which one to go with, they're all so heightened and anonymous to my brain, that i have no idea which one is actually real. Why does BPD make you question every little insecurity you have? I'm sick of feeling like this. I had 5 amazing months of feeling like a normal person again, until last week were i got half ready for my work and i couldn't stop crying, i had to email in because i couldn't pause the tears for long enough to phone. Its not went away, it's still there in the pit of my stomach, and I can't tell whether it's anger, or pain, or anguish, whether i need to punch a wall or cry in the toilets. I don't even know whether i should avoid people entirely or surround myself with them. 

The worst thing you can possibly feel is not being able to trust the very part of your body that is supposed to hold your true self. Why is my brain such a deviant, deceptive cascade of ominous personalities, that i have absolutely no idea which one to call myself? 