Everyone around me is making new friendships and cementing old ones, getting jobs, finishing school, and starting serious relationships. I am also in school and working and that's all good, but I have no friends and my relationship history is awful. People have treated me really badly. I had no understanding of being loved and valuable when I was younger (I can't remember everything but CPS enquiries were made multiple times from 3-15 yo) and I have a really hard time relaxing around other people because I have a fear of overstepping my welcome, and I'm always feeling like, I must be annoying this person, I need to leave. Tbh I don't know the whole reason why other people have people around them and I don't.

Basically I made some really close friends and kept them for a long time but they left me a while ago, and I am so ashamed for how lost and isolated and up-and-down I feel. I feel like a child while they are all stabilizing. I feel like if I were to die today, people would not be sympathetic - it's so easy to feel superior when you have been supported in your life or you're in a stable position - and my strength would be overshadowed by the weakness I try so hard to hide. They would say, what a shame, we just drifted apart, when that's not what happened at all. They're not perfect but I feel that they have sympathy and support whereas I don't because people don't like me.

I want to have the circle of friends and the garden parties and stable romantic relationships and it frustrates me that if things were different in my life there's no reason why I wouldn't have all those things. 

Sorry for the essay...I guess TL;DR is that I am struggling but feel immature for not 'growing up' and stabilizing.