My bfs going overseas on a work trip + family visit for a month. Thought I had another week to prepare myself but turns out his schedule was moved up and he has to leave in 3 days. I'm not prepared. Nope, nope, nope. 

We haven't been away from each other for more than 2 nights in 3 years. And the year before that we had a huge "breakup" situation where he left me (not his choice) suddenly and I was alone for a month before he came back and we worked things out. 

Anyway, I'm getting major flashbacks to that time. It was so sudden and so so so scary. It happened in 2 days. Literally out of nowhere. So now that he's leaving for a month (this time official work), even though I know he's coming back, I can't help but mentally go back to that time. The time where I cried all day, every day for a month. The one where I thought I lost my best friend. I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Especially since he's visiting family for the first time in 7 years. They're the reason he left me last time (they manipulated him with threats of suicide if he doesn't). They made up in the last couple of years as well and I grew to forgive them too but... What if something happens when he goes home? What if they manipulate him again? I'm so scared.

I've been trying my best not to show him how anxious I am cuz I don't want to make him feel bad for going. He has to for work. It's taking everything in me not to be a crumbly mess on the floor.

Other than that I'm TERRIFIED of being home alone. What if there's a fire? What if there's some emergency? What if our cat gets sick??? Fuck I'm so fucking weak and pathetic. 

I know this is stupid and I know I'm being irrational. I need to grow the fuck up. But I don't know if I can. I've tried so many times. I'm just scared. 

Also I don't trust myself to be safe alone. I have been struggling with increasingly serious suicidal thoughts the past year and now being alone for a month is the worst thing. I have no friends or family close by or even available if I needed help. I can't tell my bf this before his trip cuz it'll seem like I'm making him feel guilty but it's not his fault. None of this is. He's just traveling. So many people travel. Why is this bothering me so much?????