Every night for the past week, anytime after 9 pm, I suddenly feel like shit and I can't get my brain to shut up. I just wish I could put myself put of my misery. The only thing that stops me from doing anything is the thought of someone I love finding me afterwards. I can't do that to them but I feel like I'm in so much pain from all this. I have nobody to talk to who actually listens or understands how much of a weight this is on me. When I get these thoughts I try to watch a show or play a game or something to ignore it but tonight it was impossible so I took a nap and hoped I'd feel a little better when I woke up, which I do a little, but I'm hurt still because I told my friend that I feel horrible and I can't distract myself and he just told me to read a book or write (we both like to read and write. Its easy for him)... which he knows is hard for me to do (or at least I thought he did) because it takes so much energy and will power for me to do. It used to be so easy but not anymore. It just made me feel worse because I should be able to do stuff like that and I just can't. And nobody in my life understands it and if I say anything about it people think I'm just complaining for attention. I'm not. I genuinely don't want to be here anymore but people don't want to hear that so I guess I'll just suffer alone, in silence.