Sometimes I take a hard look at my childhood and try to find something positive about it and I just can't. I wonder what sort of experiences lead up to my severe mood swings, anger, lack of emotional control and just BPD overall.  

I can't recall any severely traumatic experiences like sexual abuse. I was just really neglected and treated like shit.  Things that were supposed to be a positive experience, like going to a fun amusement park with family, were really awful. 

I remember when I was about 12 years old we went on a family trip to an amusement park, and I can only recall feeling so much anxiety and tension because my step dad was so mean and angry. I was treated like a second class citizen around my step family. When I wasn't being treated like shit, I was basically a ghost to them. My step dad would always get in my face and yell at me like a drill sergeant, slap me so hard my glasses would break. When he would hit me, he'd use the excuse he did it because I "rolled my eyes at him" (I really didn't), because my mom could hear from the other room. He just wanted to hit me, and made up an excuse to do so. One time it was his birthday and he was blowing out the candles. Right afterward, I said "I want some cake!" and he yelled at me for being inconsiderate and sent me to my room. My biological dad was mean too. He would hit me for screwing up in a video game when we were playing together, or if I accidentally spilled a drink. My mom and step dad always hung out in their bedroom and watched TV. I wasn't allowed in there. If I knocked on the door for something or even wanted to just talk, they would yell at me and act like I was annoying them. I had no one to talk to at all. I don't think I'm over any of this and I don't know how to get past it. 

Now I'm crying at work after writing all of this. I'd like to hear anyone else's experiences because it would make me feel less alone.

Thanks for reading. 