I have been diagnosed with BPD and suffered from it at a pretty young age. I used to get medication when I was a teenager. It did not really help. In fact, it mostly made me sleepy, maybe due to the fact that I have also been taking medication against ADHD.

However, I have been feeling extremely empty, powerless and depressed lately. Especially after lot of relationships with manipulative guys as well as mostly being treated as a ghost from my environment (school + work). I don't have any friends or family I can talk to either, I am all alone dealing with this. Since I have been moving a lot in the past due to life experiences, there is no doctor I know from "back then", which means, I have to search for a new one.

Where I live (Germany), it is very hard to find a place for therapy. The budget has been cut a lot, and mostly you are treated like "Well, either you are feeling well enough, or don't feel well and then you should be admitted to a psychiatry". I do not want to be. I like my daily life, my job and I like being able to live my life. Not only that, but my experiences with those places makes it impossible for me to ever want that again. 

But it is not only that finding a spot in the first place would be very important, but even if you do, getting medication is very hard.

I really want to try it out again. I have been doing well enough by myself, but I feel like I need some help in this case. However, not finding a place, and even if I have one, being considered "You seem well enough to me, cya", because I am used to wearing the mask of sanity in my everyday life, feels so draining. 

It has been extremely hard today. I am out of a very manipulative relationship with someone who cheated, who kept lying at every occasion and whom I have had plans for the future with, but now they are gone, as well as out plans to meet up and have a vacation together. I have been lying in bed today, feeling numb, empty, unable to even cry, not enjoying anything. In fact, I often feel like this. 

I am not really sure what I am expecting with this myself. Some kind words? Actual advice? A place where I can feel like even with these problems, there are people with similar issues? Just the knowledge of actually being acknowledged, instead of being treated like a ghost?