I feel like everyone I speak to regarding my BPD just doesn’t seem to get it. I hate being this sort of anomaly of soul-sucking emotion in people’s lives. I want to be understood and I don’t want to be rejected for being so hard to calm down because people don’t understand why I’m not reassured by certain words. I can’t even say anything to explain it because I don’t understand it myself. I know my negative thoughts about people are baseless and unrealistic but I still feel them so strongly and can’t rationalize in the moment. DBT is largely ineffective and I’m so hopeless having to just sit and experience this mental fuckery for the rest of my life. I just feel so full of hatred and rage and loneliness and sadness on the bad days. I hate spiraling as much as I do and pushing everyone I love and need away. I’ve created such a shitty situation for myself because everyone just expects me to be inconsolable and disappears when I need help. Some days I want to go back to cutting just so I can release some of the awful pressure inside of me. I can’t imagine going on like this and being remotely successful in any aspect of life. I feel so, so fucking lost and hopeless. I’m sick of being described as a manipulative, horrible, unloveable monster. I want to be normal and have the ability to have normal happiness. I don’t want to feel as much anymore.