I could be free now. Crap.
If I just swallowed them down I could be free.
The tickets are in my night table.
I don't want to I want to, and it doesn't make any sense.
I really want to live but I can't deal with the gunk inside my head, it's driving me nuts and I am desperate.

I don't contribute to anything anymore except 50% rent to my partner. Don't have the energy to talk to any friends, not since October. I don't even want to talk to them, I want to be forgotten. I don't want anyone to think about me. I just want to be gone as if I never was here.

And it's only genetic, right. If a parent does it, it's not uncommon for their kids to do it, so no one should be surprised. When I was a teen I was afraid, but now I don't feel scared. More so the fact that I'll miss doing the things I enjoy. Reading a new book or whatever. I don't believe in an after life, so I guess everything will just be empty and nothing. No books.

That's what's holding me back right now. But I'm not afraid like I used to be. Fear of missing out?

I know I'm worth something, I know my love is valuable, i know I can make a difference in my life – but it's just not enough to balance this fucking gut sensation. It'll be so long before I get to be happy, and I've not been happy for 15 years. 

I've fucking tried, ok?