... Decided to mix 3000 mg of Ibuprofen and 100 mg of Lorazepam, but before ingesting all that, I decided to have a meal first. The meal consisted of two slices of loaf of bread smeared in margarine, slices of ham and cheese accompanied by a glass of hot milk laced with sweetener. And then... The strangest thing happened; I didn't feel suicidal anymore. I mean, I still drank the 100 mg of Lorazepam and the 3000 Mg of Ibuprofen, hoping to die in my sleep, but... Here I am. Still very much alive and with a thought: eating is perhaps the only good thing I enjoy in life. Trouble is, I look at myself in the mirror and I feel like shit, because I'm 6'0 tall and 280 pounds. I workout btw and I practice boxing occasionally, but yeah, I'm a trainwreck in terms of appearance. So I try dieting and I quickly lose my patience and I relapse eating junk food. I have lost and regained weight so many in my life that I have lost count. So I gave up on dieting and decided to eat to every piece of unhealthy food longing for that heart failure that I will never come back from. 

I feel suicidal because I feel like I'm incapable to fill my dad's shoes. My dad passed away in May of 2021 aged 64 due to septic shock after he was admitted to the hospital with COVID-19 symptoms. And ever since he died I lost interest in taking care of myself. I started taking prozac and continued drinking. In April 2022 I had my first bout of kidney stones and I don't check my blood pressure or cholesterol levels. Every time I feel a chest pain, I pray for a heart attack. 

So here I am in a conflict: One part of me wants to kill myself and the other one wants to improve myself. It's a living nightmare! 

Anyway, gotta go to the gym now. See you all later.