I just feel hopeless. I thought my meds were helping (abilify and lithium) but I'm so sad it hurts to breathe these days. 

All I want in life, is to be successful and help others. I love medicine. I'm an EMT. I got my bachelor's and want to go on to grad or nursing school. I'm losing hope I'll ever get better or ever be able to go back to school. Which means I'll be stuck in deadend jobs and being poor for the rest of my life. 

My doctor doesn't know if I suffer from mania or hypomania. I have attention and concentration and executive function issues during episodes, which are almost constant. I've been hospitalized four times. But I love reading. I'm studying math on my own right now. I want to learn. I want to believe I can do this. 

Is there any hope for me? Am I stupid for even having dreams for myself? I just want to give up, but I'm not ready to. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, or wake up without this hell every day.