Hi. For a very long time I’ve had this ongoing thought process in my head that I struggle with on a weekly basis, sometimes daily. The idea that I am actively aging and deteriorating at all times shakes me to my core. I don’t believe in heaven or religion in general really, and the curiosity of what happens when we die is both infinitely interesting and terrifying. I don’t want to be reborn and do this all over again, but the idea of going to some magic cloud land where everything is ok also seems incredibly unrealistic. Sometimes I daydream for a while about not being human. If I were something that couldn’t age or die, things certainly wouldn’t be any better that way either, but I still think about it. I haven’t been enjoying my life the last few years because of ongoing stomach issues I started neglecting after I got no answers from doctors as to what’s wrong with me. Now I’m just here, I exist therefor I am. I don’t know what to do so I just sort of latch onto materialistic things like cars and other hobbies. It at least takes me away from reality, because it’s something that isn’t technically alive and can be fixed, unlike me. I have this yearning inside of me to no longer have to worry about my health and my body but those wishes are unanswered. Sorry if this seems like a panic rant, I’m just not really right in my mind anymore. I feel like I don’t know the current version of myself and it’s only getting worse.