my fp is really the only person who sees me at my worst. and my worst is usually going nonverbal etc. 

this may sound ignorant and ungrateful but sometimes i can’t help but wish low key that i was a bit more erratic?? i wish i could fuck around with other ppl and drink as much as i want to cope, but instead i just dissociate and enter vegetable mode alone. so when i feel good again i feel like everything bad i felt was fake and i don’t really have any problems and then no one takes me seriously bc i don’t “look” like i struggle with anything ?? does this make sense lmao