i think i've recently come into contact with a guy who has bpd. i'm not sure if he's aware of it or not, but he's exactly like me. some 'traits' i've noticed:

- wants to be in contact 24/7
- says he loves me even though he's only known me a few days
- is very needy and clingy
- struggles to be selfless and think of others 
- gets in his feelings a lot, spirals into sadness or worry or fear
- is highly dependent on my comfort and reassurance to feel okay

i'm... exhausted. i have bpd. i lost the love of my life because he was neurotypical and couldn't cope with my emotions and crazy and how he was having to bring me down from an episode almost every day because my bpd was acting up so much with him (i was majorly in love with him, he was the reason for my being, and we all know what that does to us).

and not for the first time, i'm seeing us in a light that i hate. i don't have to ask 'is this what he felt like?' because i know this is how he felt. i don't have to ask 'was i like that?' because i know i'm like that.

the thing that just saddens and shocks me most is how tiring we are, not only to ourselves but others also, specifically the ones we love the most and need the most. the absolute fucking tragedy of bpd is that we can't be close/stay close to our FP because we are exhausting and our energy ends up pushing them away. 

i had a day from hell at work yesterday, a literal day from hell. it was busy, stressful, non-stop. i was running on fumes by the end of the day, i hadn't slept well because i'd been dreaming about my last FP who i'm still in love with. it was one of those days. i woke up missing him, i cried, i didn't want to live another day without him by my side. it was just a hard day.

i wasn't in any position to look after anyone, or baby anyone, or even be there for anyone. but i had to be, because this boy with (probable) bpd was crying on me and getting himself into a real tizzy about various things and i just wanted so badly to comfort him but i wasn't able to. 

i was consumed by two thoughts:

1) this is such bad timing, i can't even look after myself today, and now i've got him on my hands, i just don't have the energy, i'm dead inside right now

2) i'm... offended... because i've told him that i had a day from hell, why is he still expecting me to baby him and expend energy that i don't have? can't he understand that i'm the one who needs babying right now? that i'm desperate for rest, and that i literally cannot, *cannot* cope with his emotions right now?

i was torn between bpd intensity compassion and bpd intensity anger. 

my love, the one who left me, doesn't come here, he doesn't even know i have bpd. but i need to say this anyway: i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for what you put up with for me. and i can't believe that you did, for so long. only now am i realising just how deeply you loved me, no one else in their right mind would ever put themselves through this craziness otherwise. i still love you. i love you so much. every day i wait for a message that will never come. you haunt me, my dreams, my memories, every part of me. i love you, i miss you, i will not be whole again until we are together. please forgive everything i ever did. i love you and i'm so sorry.