Sorry, this is going to be very long, it's a bit of a rant, I really need to let go of this.

I've been in therapy a little before COVID began, and I'm glad I finally did it after years of deep and severe anxiety and depression. And throughout therapy, revisiting and unpacking a lot of my childhood trauma, I came face to face with an invisible abuse that I'd had endured my whole life: my relationship with my mom. Long story short, my mom is incredibly emotionally abusive, never allowed me to express anger or sadness, victimize herself, and manipulated me to do anything she wanted me to do. It left me little space to trust her because she never respected my boundaries and would often lie and trick me which cause me to get panic attacks often. And more other icky things. 

So safe to say, I got significant mommy issues. After this revelation, I couldn't unsee it anymore, I used to feel so indebted to my mom for "everything she had done for me", so I never rebelled, I never allowed myself to feel angry towards her even if rightfully so. But once I was exposed to the truth, I went no contact with her and made it clear that our relationship had to change, that she has to change. It wasn't easy, she did anything to get me back to her and I suffered a lot. But I think once I wrote her a letter discussing my trauma with her she finally took it in and made choices to change for the better which lead us to finally get in touch again after 6 months of no contact. But the truth is, she hasn't changed much. She's better than before but she is still abusive, and I've been disappointed by her and hurt over and over again, even after this whole experience. I no longer feel comfortable being alone with her, and don't plan to go visit her and my family without someone accompanying me. I barely text her and ignore her messages or divert them often because she won't listen when I ask for space. It feels so exhausting to have to deal with her and it's a battle to maintain a relationship with her because there is no space for me to breathe or be around her without her trying to control me, change me, manipulate me, gaslight me, make me feel like shit, etc. So obviously whenever we do talk, I completely dissociate. But I came to the harsh realization, that the mother I need might never be her, that no matter what, this woman is beyond change and unfortunately she will always be this emotionally abusive. It breaks my heart to understand that I needed my mom when she hasn't made the effort to be there for me truly, even if I know we love each other, but gosh she is beyond repair... at least it feels like. 

I'm honestly exhausted to still feel so angry towards her for not being the mom I needed, and I've decided that I no longer have to or want to associate her as "my mother." She clearly hasn't been good at it and even though everything we've been through, she's still clueless about the level of abuse she does to me no matter how many times I explain it to her, she is always very defensive of her actions and it's never "her fault" it's always her childhood trauma, her un-present mother, or she "such an awful mom", etc, all BS excuses to capture sympathy through pity. So I just can't associate her to be my mother anymore, I want to let go of her, and start perceiving her as more of a friend that I do love and care for, and just happens to be a person who raised me and birth me, but not my real mother, not anymore. She doesn't deserve that honor. I felt more loved and embraced in the ocean than ever in my mother's arms. So whenever I feel the need for a motherly figure and support, I'll look for it elsewhere, like in nature or through my female relationships where they see me, accept me, help me, and lift me... So yeah, who says your mom has to be your mom, fuck that.