Sometimes it lifts a little, more often it’s debilitating. I’m under the care of a great doctor. I’ve tried all the therapies, meds and lifestyle changes. I have a family, mortgage, job, friends etc. 

I feel like I’m having a “midlife crisis” but rather than fearing that my best days are behind me I’m terrified that I will just have to go on like this for another 30 or 40 years. 

Mostly though I worry about the example I’m setting for my child. I don’t want them to think that my way of being is the norm. I want them to expect to live a joyful life.

My father died of suicide when I was a teenager. I’m now almost the age he was then, and with every day that passes I understand his choice a little bit better. 

I am so so tired. I genuinely don’t believe life is meant to be lived this way, and 30+ years in, I have no hope it will get better. 

Oh how I wish i could take those 30 years and retire from this unending work. Hang it up and go potter in the garden without it’s weight on my back. Become an indulgent, mirthful grandparent. But alas, there is no gold watch and celebratory send off from this eternal labour. 

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Maybe I just want someone to congratulate me for getting this far? Maybe there’s someone who has carried this burden even longer than I have reading?