**Trigger Warning - Suicidal Feelings**

Hi everyone,

I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but I am currently in the process of assessments and different ideas have been suggested including BPD, and it has been mentioned to me before by people and I also can relate a lot to the traits listed in the DSM.

I feel so alone and I just want to feel love to be honest. I know that people with BPD tend to have issues with things like this. Yeah, I am just reaching out and hoping to feel less alone. I feel very hopeless right now.

I can't sleep at the moment due to my mental health. I have been signed off sick for two weeks from work and it's my first day back tomorrow. I am so nervous about it. I was prescribed medication by my doctor but I didn't take it because I am scared of the side effects and feeling more suicidal. I was supposed to spend these two weeks off getting used to the medication and instead I ignored all that and spent the time either in bed staring into space wishing I wasn't here or obsessing about someone who I have been in an unofficial relationship with for the past four and a half months, or talking about him to someone, or actually just being with him.

I just don't feel like I can cope with anything. During the time off, I wanted to go to hospital. I am thinking maybe I still should. I am so down.

I am worried that it is because of this relationship that I am feeling so bad.

I should be happy, I am so in love. But I'm far from happy. Sometimes I can be happy when I am feeling the love, but most of the time I am just feeling insecure. I just don't think he loves me and is going to cheat on me or lose interest in me or maybe he just never had that much interest in me in the first place.

It is made worse by the fact that we got together while he still had a girlfriend, and he is still in the process of breaking away from her. It is a complex situation but basically they were once in love, but stayed together out of convenience. Everyone knew they were unhappy but they couldn't have a clean break. Then things started with me and here we are.

I think that's a difficult situation for anyone, but given my issues, this has been driving me mad.

I wish I could deal with this better but I don't think I will be able to trust him. And he could be innocent. I could be losing something because of how badly I am handling this.

I just don't want to get my heart broken and I feel the second I relax and allow myself to feel my feelings and trust him, that's when everything will go wrong.

I just don't know. Does anyone have any advice or anything?

Thank you x