Hey. I was diagnosed last month by a psychiatrist regarding BPD. All my life , i was deeply emotionally dysregulated. I experience erratic emotions especially negative ones as I was swallowed by my insecurities during the past years. Im a very ambitious person with so much plans in the future, but i watch myself self destruct as I avoid my goals due to my severe anxiety, fear of failure and delusions that i will be humiliated or be stop. I used to be very interested in studying my course, but right now, as I enter my second year college,  I have a lot of missing assignments and projects, incomplete grades, and a failing scholarship. I dont strive for self improvement anymore. I  feel like Im a huge ass failure all the time, especially when I fail at my studies, which is reasonably my fault. This causes me to go nuts, and think of suicide all the time since whats the point of living if Im just a failure for life. I have many fail attempts, which is somehow I'm thankful for , since i tend to emotionally dissociate out of the misery.

Moreover, i suddenly feel deep envy with my classmates, as i watch them achieve their dreams while im stuck in a loophole. This makes me look like a jerk, which I know I am, but I tend to fight those feelings and thoughts by thoughtful rationalization until the feelings dissipated. My therapist told me that these feelings of envy is caused by my own personal insecurities as i tend to based my sense of self worth to what other people think. Ive been like that for years, trying to sacrifice my whole being, for the sake of avoiding conflict and looking good from others. I have no sense of identity as i always tend to based it from what other people think. Its just shitt man. I have so many addictions on sweets, soda, and masturbation as  I used to this combat the dreaded sense of my personal shittiness and insecurities. My bloodsugar is high, my physical health is shit, and i tend to feel tired all the times.


Hopefully, i can get better and overcome this illness. because  I still want to achieve my dreams. As an ambitious person with mental illness,  i feel so worst as i watch myself stop and self sabotage my goals.