I have another health issue that drove me to scheduling an appointment with a doctor, and she was just -- so cool. (Was avoiding it because of... bingo! Anxiety.) I quit taking my old prescription for buspar because life happened, and I didnt realize how miserable I've become.

She asked about my mental health, and one thing lead to another and -- I'm back on my buspar prescription. (Albeit at a lower dosage.) I was just expecting her to hustle me out the door ASAP but she actually listened and I can't express how much it meant to me. 

Today is the first day in five years that I've felt like I could fucking breathe. 

Like, I function. Barely. I've held down a job for two years and I've lived on my own for a year, and I guess I fooled myself into believing my anxiety wasn't so bad anymore, not like it was when I was a teenager. It's worse in other ways and better in others. I actually feel present!!! I haven't felt present or otherwise like a person in ??? who knows how long! 

It makes me want to cry both happy and sad tears? Happy, because I just feel peaceful, and sad because I've been needlessly suffering for so long. I've spent so long pretty much just being in a constant state of fight or flight that it's like I forgot what it feels like to just... Exist, you know? 

I just needed to express these feelings. Sorry for the jumbled paragraphs &amp; thank you for your time.