I’ve only been diagnosed with bipolar for a little over 2 years now and since then it has ruined my life. Getting the diagnosis itself that is that has ruined my life. I felt like I had a complete identity change. I felt like while yes, it was the reason behind my actions I didn’t accept who I was anymore. 

I felt crazy and exactly like the weird kid I was growing up. My efforts of being normal were totally squashed the second I got that diagnosis and I’ve struggled with medication ever since then.

Reminders, habits, pleas from my parents, my partner or my providers, somebody to hold me accountable. It all just falls on deaf ears. The worse part is it’s like clockwork that in spring my mental health plumments and I can’t do anything anymore. I stop being manic and the 6 month long depressive episode rears it’s ugly head. I’ve had to leave my job last year and this year I had to leave school. I know I’m getting worse because of me not being consistent with taking it but I just find myself never aware of the fact that I *do* have bipolar. 

I find that I’m never aware of my depressive episodes, my bipolar rage episodes, my manic episodes, any mood swing or episode. I just want to self soothe with alcohol and give up the mental health journey. I’m not suicidal but I am at my wits end with this disorder. I want help but I dont. I want to not mistreat everyone around me but I can’t seem to take my medicine. I’m going to therapy but it feels like I’m running in circles.

I know what I should do but is this normal?