My mom has either bipolar or BPD but she hasn’t said which one, but that’s her business it’s whatever. 

I think I might be bipolar but I don’t wanna ask my provider cause I’ll feel stupid like it’s not my place to guess what’s wrong with me.


So I’m being med boarded from the army right now for depression and adjustment disorder but   Something I’ve never mentioned to my behavioral health guy/psychologist I guess is the times I’ve went in to like .. super manic behavior I feel like.

Like it usually comes out of no where suddenly I’m clear and free from feeling the effects of depression and I’ve got 1 million things to do in 24 hours. I get EXTREMELY into impulsive decisions and wayyy in over my head. 

Like spending a LOT of money on projects I suddenly get super into out of no where, projects that would take weeks and I’ll get half way thru it really sloppily in one day.

Or like the time I carried an entire king size bed frame and dressers upstairs to my apartment, realized it wouldn’t work out, and took it back to the ppl I got it from. I mean that was a SHIT TON of furniture and wood and I did it all the DAY after a 24 hr duty shift plus how long I’d been awake hat day so almost 48 full hours no sleep.

I wasn’t even tired I was completely wired.

Or if I’m not occupied and completely enveloped into some hasty 2 month project I’m gonna get half way thru in one day, I get like.. tweaked the fuck out and either paranoid and do shit like tape up all my front cameras on everything(phone,iPad,etc) and look for hidden cameras everywhere I go, or start EXTREMELY over analyzing every interaction with ANYONE in my life and get all worked up over some made up imaginary issue with whoever. And in reality they have no idea I’m going thru this entire process and have no idea that I’m like SEETHING in anger at them over NOTHING.


I used to do that with some of my best friends years ago and I’d cut hem off and block them on everything and like.. have this huge falling out with them inside my head and they’d wake up the next morning and have no idea what happened. 


But these phases don’t usually last long plus I feel like they don’t happen frequently enough to count for anything I guess?? Like there’s probably an explanation for all of these things.

I guess I could understand this kinda thing happening after pulling 24hr duty and not sleeping the next day like it’s all just from exhaustion.. but more often than not these kind of episodes happen without having been on duty. They just happen randomly.


But I spend WAY more time dealing w depression and stuff than these, these things just come randomly for a day or two and then they’re gone. 

I mean.. I’ve definitely had a loottt more than usual in the last 2ish months.. enough that I can remember, best guess, at least 5 or so maybe more.

I think maybe sometimes these episodes have happened while feeling horribly sad and upset too like.. any time I’ve self harmed it’s always during some extremely impulsive shit. Like the last time it happened I coated my kitchen floor and cabinets in blood and it took me two days to clean all of it up, and then the time after that I think I got half way drunk and took like just over 120mg DXM/cough syrup and woke up the next day high. 
I haven’t done dxm since I was like 16. I’m 23. I have NO INTEREST in that shit anymore, it fucked me up bad and I damn near probably had ptsd from a horrible horrible trip. I mean If I even SMELLED cough syrup I’d get so spaced out it FELT like I was high again and a whole bunch of other shit. Honestly the smell thing kind of still happens but that’s another story.

Point is
Out of the blue after years of having no interest in this shit I guess I decided THAT WAS THE DAY and took just enough to get me high.like what the fuck? Where did that come from. I don’t know but I remember when I did it I was like.. just SO HYPED and felt like I was on another planet before I even took it. Like I had to do EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD RIGHT THEN 


Sorry this is so ramble-y