As the title says... Not sure I can keep this post up or delete account and reimport my subs once again.

I'm drunk - and this seems to be the only time I have enough energy to put this out. I'm so fucking lonely and long for someone.
I'm always lurking, not saying anything even though I want to. I look at all those subs, I look at frontpage, those crazy SOBs make me smile and laugh and I silently thank them for that. I need that "hard" internet humor of the likes of reddit and the #chans to make me .. yes, crack up that frozen face and feel overwhelmed with surprise and cringe and all that shit, all that crazy monkey alive feeling which I miss so much.
Like, you don't have to believe me because my therapist doesn't and all my former (I violently cut every contact) friends don't, either... So this could be an indicator of madness - but then again, that wouldn't come as a surprise, right? Because that's the puzzle piece I've been missing all my life. I don't mean that psychoanalytical, although that probably is an interesting stance (what did I even mean with what??); all I feel is life is so absolutely meaningless without someone to share the pain, the joy, the crazy, the warm silence. I don't need no analysis of that, it's just being alone almost all of my life (except a little blip of closeness of a train wreck relationship at 26), I feel that my inner core started to hate me and wants to destroy me. Like an inner animal, a wolf of sorts, he just wants to shred me for good and I can't blame him anymore. I just understand. I am biological waste.
I tried posting here one time I think but I'm so messed up and so ashamed of what my life is and how many lowly feelings and "buddhist poisons" I got in me now. I always thought I had that covered with my consciousness. No I fucking don't. It's been building up over the years and I fail to see sense in anything now. I know this sounds just like depression but... Well, maybe it is. If depression is aggression against oneself, then yes...

After fa(i)lling in love over the net (hah, net) a year ago I feel my personality and values are just wiped, destroyed, GONE. I don't fall in love easily ("but when I do" lol...) and try to protect me and be damn sure of the other person but...
I started drinking again. Cutting again. I've turned completely antisocial and this just alone is a reason to stop believing in myself. I was there for others, joined depression- and suicide-forums and supported others via chat, mail, phone. I felt good doing that, it is rewarding to figure out what the hell is bugging someone and taking the heat off of it, because I can virtually relate to just every of those fucking feelings which can consume one. It made me content. Not to brag (maybe a little) but I do believe this would be my job and destination and I would do a good job.
And now... After finding out all those tender, sweet words between her and me were for nothing and she was "scared" of me and chose someone else so abruptly...

I feel just... Done. Because that's the way my life always has been.
I don't care about someone on Omegle telling me "you're better than my therapist / you're radiating warmth".
No sir, actually, I am a cold, burning, super-cynical monster but I wanted to support you because you have potential and I don't want to see you go down. Doesn't change the truth.
It felt good. That's what I fucking aim for. I wanted to be a therapist, I wanted to study that shit some day when I would get my high school diplomina.
Truth is I never worked. Truth is living with my parents and I hate them and do not want to seem them for years before I can imagine rebuilding some sort of connection because fuck they are my parents yes, I admit that..... It's hard. But I so despise them and want them out of my life, flee.

What now.
Told my therapist I'm having semi-serious plans for destroying the hollow shell which is trapping my soul. I wish to die and it's... righteous! She obviously is concerned.
Her plan now is to get my a valid ID and health care card and then... I don't know. Lock me up in some shitplace, I don't care. I know she cares though. I will not forget what she told me about suicide. That it would hurt her. I don't want to... I just want out, I'm sorry. But not hurt anyone, I did already enough I think. People still perceive me as a good person where I'm now seriously considering being antisocial in the clinical sense (it scares the shit out of me, I always need to reassure myself that I'm hopefully, probably not... But even then, I'm totally hurting others with burning words and cutting all contact).
I feel personality-wiped after this girl fully engaged with me with all those cute, adorable words (and I wrote her so much sweet, heartfelt stuff, too, which touched her and even made her cry, as she told me some time later when all was lost) and ultimately was scared of me and jumped to some other guy.

I will refrain from writing down all the evil and darkness that is inside me now. I think I could shock even someone of you.
I lost myself. I'm not myself anymore.

There's only alcohol and self-destructive fantasies and every inch of warmth wiped out.
I do believe my core is composed of warmth and light. I ... Always wanted to be a sun for others. But my lights sure are out and there's no fucking battery left, just drinking and music and being too much of a pussy to ... you know... Sorry.

THIS IS A MESS.
I'm sorry.
I will try to leave that up for sometime in the case that someone wants to write me something I don't know.
I always was the fucking shy-guy loser, I'm so done with that. I don't want to be anything anymore. Sorry.

I'm safe and won't do anything stupid. Just... So done with everything.

On second thought I will use a throwaway and VPN.