I've finally established a routine of work/ exercise/ meditation and eating that is completely opposite to the chaotic hurricane of a lifestyle I used to live. 

This time a year ago I was abusing stims, drinking everyday from midday to ensure my emotions didn't bubble up and take me over. I drained every person and every bank account I had in the pursuit of temporary sedation.

Now here I am with an established routine. I was so sure that this sometimes monotonous lifestyle devoid of my vices was helping. However, I just completely lost it over someone changing plans with me and punched myself in the face for five minutes straight.

Why the FUCK is there nothing that can stop me from being like this?! I'm trying so hard but something as small as this sends me from 0 to 100 in terms of mood and wanting to kill myself.