Been struggling with BPD for two years now, gave up on therapy and going to the doctors last year during a difficult time and I am only going back now. The doctor keeps suggesting to put me on anti depressants (fluoxetine) as I am finding it difficult to motivate myself for everyday tasks- I feel precious progress is beginning to be unraveled.
However, I really don’t want to take the anti depressants and I can’t figure out why. I was previously on anti depressants (citalopram then sertraline) for 3 years altogether right up until I began to see symptoms of BPD in myself. When I stopped taking them, I was on a high dosage and felt ‘numb’ - I have always struggled with identity issues and I feel the numbness of the high dosage made these worse. I hated the sexual side effects, the low libido, and feel this further contributed to the numbness.
I wish I knew if I was self sabotaging by having such a strong hatred towards the tablets, or if I am too strongly associating with what I felt like before- half of me feels I should take them but the other half can’t get over this ‘irrational’ fear. 
Has anyone else had a similar problem?