so as you guys know, one thing that happens when you have BPD is when you have like a push-pull tendency in relationships. if you dont know what im talking about, basically you (well at least for me) get this really strong feeling of love for someone (friends, family, bf/gf etc.) and that person is all you think about and you just want to talk to them all day and be with them all the time until you feel like you dont want to be around that person anymore and you need your space.

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for me, i kinda describe it as a switch. one day i'll go from loving someone unconditionally and then the next day, EVERY little thing they do pisses me off so much and just being in their presence makes me SO uncomfortable and i just feel like pure hatred towards them. (it's not like the black and white thinking to where i love someone and then they make one mistake and i hate them) but i hate that feeling so much because deep down i know i love them but i just cant STAND them. for example, i'll get really close and clingy to my best friend (who is also clingy) and we'll hang out all the time but then all of a sudden theres like a switch in my mind that gets flipped (like a light switch) and i just cant stand him anymore. i always felt so bad because then he thought he did something wrong and started thinking there was something wrong with him. ANYWAYS, but whenever that "switch flips", the sooner i get my space from them (aka no talking, no hanging out, dont even wanna hear your voice) then the sooner i go back to "normal" and go back to loving them. but the longer it takes for me to get my space, the longer it's gonna take for me to go back to the way it was.

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it's not hard with friendships because you can always tell your friend you need space but it's REALLY hard for me whenever i feel this way towards one of my family members that i live with. for example, a couple of months ago i felt this way towards my stepdad (who's a really great guy) and we got into a HUGE fight and i did something really irrational and impulsive and i ended up in a mental hospital. after i got out, i still needed space from him which was easy because at the time i wasnt living with him. and after about 2 weeks everything went back to normal. but most recently i felt this towards my mom. i went MONTHS feeling this way and each day was just worse and worse and it got to point to where i almost attempted suicide. it's so hard to explain but just imagine having to live with the most annoying person you know. and each day you just get more and more annoyed. i know it sounds horrible comparing my mom to the most annoying person i know but whenever the switch in my mind "flips" i truly feel like shes the most annoying person i know. which makes me so sad because i love my mom more than ANYTHING in this world and it's just so frustrating that i get this way towards her. ANYWAY, i ended up going to a residential treatment facility and i was able to get my space from her and now that im back out, im back to loving my mom unconditionally.

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THE WHOLE REASON FOR THIS POST IS BECAUSE i just wanted to know if anyone else struggles with this as well? and if you do, what helps you not feel this way/get your space? (also im not old enough to live by myself yet) i just dont want to go a treatment facility every time i feel this way towards someone i live with. i will appreciate any advice given! also if youre still reading just know i greatly appreciate you and it means a lot to me.

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one last thing i'd like to add: whenever my "switch flips", it's never with more than 2+ people at the same time. it's always just one person and once it goes back to normal, i immediately go to feeling this way towards someone else im close with so i can never get a break. i've literally asked so many therapists on what i should do and they never fully gave me any advice &gt;:/ 