I feel as if I should put a trigger warning here but I’m not sure what for...rage? Profanity?? Mother issues? Narcissistic parent??
There’s your warning.

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Why why WHY the fuck would you have children if you’re just going to criticize them and LIE about them behind their back to FAMILY??? I did something I shouldn’t have—read my mother’s text messages—and found something that simultaneously made me feel like utter shit while also sublimely pissing me off.

A little background: my family life is...complicated, to put it mildly. I have my BPD issues as well as physical complications that keep me from working, so my daughter and I live with my parents, which benefits us all because my brother has Downs, and I help out with his care. The past eight months have been hellacious on me—back in September, my psychiatrist moved 20 miles away and I don’t drive, the bus/trolley trip there was taxing to me mentally and physically, so my only option was to go through Kaiser to find a new shrink. Well, Kaiser has ONE mental health location for ALL of the greater San Diego area, and if you want to make an appointment, you’re looking at a 4 to 5 month wait. Fine. Whatever. So I FINALLY get an appointment in March. I see the dr for about 40 minutes, she decides to take me off my Lamictal (sure, great, it wasn’t doing a damn thing for me anyway) and gives me Remeron for sleep and takes me off Seroquel. Follow up appointment at the end of April. Awesome. Great. So April 26 rolls around, and the morning of my appointment, the clinic calls and tells me the dr has cancelled. Exsqueeze me??? So of course my BPD is going, “awesome, so the dr hated you so much the first time she saw you, she doesn’t want to see you again!!” Which of course is not the case, but come on, trying telling that to my BPD. Ok, so when can we reschedule? AUGUST. End of fucking AUGUST. Four goddamn months, are you fucking kidding me??? Ok anyway I am getting WAY off track here. Long story short (too late!) I’m basically on no meds right now and I am FUCKED. Can’t concentrate, can’t focus, I’m having mini-rages multiple times a day, followed by guilt and worthlessness, dissociating like crazy, losing track of time, seeing shit, hearing shit, I stopped taking the Remeron because it’s giving me vivid nightmares, trying the seroquel again but now every time I take it I’m getting restless legs for HOURS at night, so fuck it. Not sleeping, again. Obviously, my functioning is HIGHLY impaired. I’m not keeping up with my duties around the house—cooking, cleaning, etc.—-which are largely my responsibility because my dad works full time and my mother has health issues of her own which may or may not be GROSSLY EXAGGERATED. (A bit of info about Mother Dearest—textbook narcissist, but of course she’d never admit it. In her eyes, she can do no wrong, never takes the blame, it’s always someone else’s fault.)

OK SO, anyway, I’m slacking on my responsibilities not because I want to, but because most of the time I don’t feel like I’m even fucking here. I let the dishes slide for 2 days and neither my mom nor my daughter (who is 17 and more than capable of doing household chores) could be arsed to wash the fucking dishes. We ran out of spoons for Chrissakes. I finally get around to doing them but by the time I get to the silverware, I’m fucking exhausted (plus my kitchen is hot as Hades’ ballsack, SoCal June and no AC??) So I ask my daughter to finish and I sit down with a cold bottle of water. Immediately my mom grabs her phone and starts texting someone and I know, I just fucking KNOW in my gut, it’s my aunt. You see, I got nosy once before and read some of her texts, and learned that my dear mother texts my aunt and blatantly LIES to her. So I had a sneaky suspicion she was doing it again. I ended up forgetting about it yesterday and decided this morning to check her phone while she was in the bathroom. (Bad, bad, bad, I know, but she’s fucking LYING about me!) And goddammit, I was right. I was fucking RIGHT.

I don’t understand WHY she does this. Am I that awful a person, that she constantly needs to paint me as villain and herself as victim? Was I that horrible a child that she needs to turn my relatives against me??? I won’t confront her, because she’ll play the victim as per usual, but FUCK!! She has me doubting my own fucking sanity.

Attached are the texts, if you’ve made it this far. Thanks for keeping up with my ramblings. 

TL;DR: My mother is a lying asshole.