Hi, First of all HAPPY NEW YEAR !

Brief bio: 23m Athlete Struggling Uni Student 

Little warning It may be all over the place, I'm reaching out for the first time and would love if anyone would take the time to read through this!!

I Got Diagnosed with ADHD ------- 3 years ago 

Diagnosed with ADHD and have been possibly suffering from depression my whole life. I don't want to believe I was born with depression as I believe I fell into a depressive state due to my ADHD and lifestyle. My mother suffers from depression which I believe stemmed from her struggles through her childhood and adolescents. I have also had my struggles with maintaining a balanced life and would love any advice or tips!

I was always a very sporty and sociable kid, I had a good upbringing with a loving and caring family that has given me every opportunity possible. I'm so grateful they have done so as it has helped me excel in many aspects of my life.

 I went away to play sport for an international college after completing school. As I arrive I get invited to play in a scratch match, get there... Warm-up... Tear a tendon in my knee and was unable to play for the entirety of the year. I spent countless hours working with physios and specialists throughout my time away with no luck. Throughout the year I was told countless times a date that I should be able to return to playing again, each time I would get my hopes up and be let down. I was still giving everything I could to the team i.e going to training (every day) and Trips when we played. Throughout my time away I became very disconnected from my life back home and even from the people I met in this new city. I started to smoke weed almost daily and started to neglect my studies, my motivation was at an all-time low, I did anything and everything to try and enjoy my time but I spiraled down. I was 19 at the time and very naive with my thinking. 

I eventually made friends with a group that seemed to actually want to be around me and would always invite me over to their place. I met them through one of my teammates and they brought a lot of fun and good memories into my life. I however started to self-sabotage myself by being overly critical and down on my situation. I never let anyone know even my parents about how much I was truly struggling. I started to get really anxious around others and felt isolated, this friend group showed me a side of friendship that I have rarely experienced. 

I decided to come home at the end of the year and undergo surgery on my knee. 3 months later I'm back playing again and loving it. I however wasn't loving how little I was getting from my friends and started to doubt they even liked me. I can be very over the top at times and have definitely gotten on their nerves but who doesn't. I started to shut off as I wanted to see who would try and reach out, I know now that this was just a silly attempt of trying to get clarity. The problem was right in front of me... It was me and It was that I was comparing my schoolmates who really know me to friends I made whilst I was away. 

I Got Diagnosed with ADHD ------- 3 years ago 

I have a good group and it's nice to have people around me I just hold a lot of regret about how I acted upon coming home. I fell back into the habit of smoking almost every day as that's what everyone else was doing however the way we smoked didn't sit well with me, It wasn't enjoyable. I picked up cigarettes and have struggled with a nicotine addiction since, from Smoking to Vaping. The main thing for me during this time was a new friend that my mates made whilst I was away. It felt like a replacement at the time and slowly became it to an extent. I didn't care as I began to like him even if it wasn't reciprocated. 

I went through so many doubts and started to beat myself up about never having a gf. I Have always gotten a lot of attention from the opposite sex and probably have a bad reputation as a result of impulsive decisions throughout my teens. I never understood how people in the city talk about everything and anything!! Especially when that person (me) seems to not care, I heard many rumors about myself and was shocked because I'm truly a loving and caring person. I often do and say things that I don't mean to impulsively and can be blind to the outcomes and consequences at times. I can easily move on from a situation but often get stuck running through past events or memories in my head. Like a short film of all my fuck ups... Does this happen to anyone else? 

I would often talk to girls and had a lot of interest coming from the opposite sex. I would never take myself too seriously and began to think I was wrong for it. So I tried, I started seeing a girl casually and things progressed quickly, we fell deeply in love, I asked her out before a Europe trip... big mistake. I Stayed loyal and enjoyed my time away with friends which my gf never believed, which I still don't understand as we talked daily and I told her about everything. After a year of, for the most part, a happy relationship things slowly declined. She never trusted me and often made me do things to ease her stress such as unfollowing people on insta, constantly updating her on my whereabouts, and many more. I was unaware that this was bad behavior and just thought it was normal. I never chatted much with my mates about it until the very end, I never did talk about these things much. I was trying to be the best bf for her and was unaware of how neglectful I was becoming of my own life. There was a point were I didn't talk to anyone else but her, I was beginning to obsess over making her happy. It was very hot and cold by the end and became very toxic. I went 6 months without chatting to my mates I started to stop caring about my life and things that I wanted to do/needed to do. 

We broke up and it killed me, I was torn from the world I had been putting so much effort and time into within seconds. I became very lonely and overdid trying to get back into the swing of things. It was a really hard time. My trust was all over the place as she would often plot me against my friends...

I now see that there's a possibility that I fell into a depressive mindset whilst away overseas and didn't realize what I was going through. I started going through all aspects of my life after getting diagnosed hoping to find answers/improvements wherever I could. Hence the need for a gf I never needed before. I clung to the idea rather than what was actually in front of me, I did everything I could to keep the company she provided. When that breakup happened I was lost and stuck at a shitty point in my life. Starting to regret dating in the first place and a landslide of past memories came sliding through my mind. How I'm such a letdown all the nonsense you tell yourself in those moments. I then criticized not only my friends but my family and regret it. 

I started taking antidepressants after soldiering on through the hardest time of my life. I was not being healthy and everyone could see but I still struggle with my body and self-image. They have helped a lot but I'm still struggling immensely with managing myself, I let people down with slow replies or dumb messages that had no meaning/highly emotional nonsense. Can anyone help with a daily routine ??

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I know this is a lot but please feel free to leave any comments or advice below :) 

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Cheers xx