my entire life i’ve tried so hard to always at least come off as cheerful and with a positive attitude and people would comment on that and say that they loved that quality about me. that was my one thing, no matter what was going on i didn’t want to make others suffer due to my own issues. 

however, at work a few days ago me and a few girls were talking and it ended up being said one girl was always so positive and brightened up the room and i made a joke how i’m the opposite and everyone was like lol ya i didn’t wanna be the one to say it but true!!!!!!!

it hurt a lot, not gonna lie. it means i’ve slipped further, and it feels like i’ve lost myself completely and i don’t know how to get myself back. 

i have been told recently i’m very negative but i refuses to believe it just because of context. now after reflecting on it however, i have come to the realization that i’ve become this ball of bitterness and i’m always complaining and grumpy and it’s horrible this is what people see me as this how people see me. and i realized i find myself complaining about everything and anything, i can never be satisfied i guess. 

i’m so just hurt and frustrated and i want to change but i’m so stuck in my ways now i’m not sure what to do. i find myself always bringing up topics that make me mad so i can bitch about it and i don’t want to be like this anymore. 

if anyone has any advice i’d be so happy to hear it, thank you ❤️ 