Not looking for advice just for someone to say "I feel the same" 

I had a manic episode last year and it scared the shit out of me and I wanted to try my best to get "better". I upped my meds, I'm actually listening to doctors advice. I sleep at the same time every night, wake up at the same time. My life is routine, which for the most part I'm comfortable with but lately (or today) I feel like I'm worse off. 

My doctor told me last time I have to work on impulse control, and if I don't normally do something I shouldn't do it. So now I talk myself out of everything I want to do. Whether I want to start a new hobby (is this a manic fixation I'll spend all my money on just to not look at it after a week?) or see friends and family (this is something I don't normally do so maybe I shouldn't) or buying something I need (impulse spending).

I feel incredibly isolated from my family, I've lost alot of my friends during the pandemic and because of my diagnosis. The only person I really have in my life everyday is my partner. I depend on their opinion to keep me in check. To make sure I'm sure about my decisions and make sure I'm not getting into trouble. 

It makes me doubt myself even more because if I run out of something I need(new socks, non slip shoes for work, food sometimes), I question it more than I should because it seems like a no brainer: buy the fuckin shampoo. My partner doesn't understand why I agonize over these little everyday things that normal people do and doesn't understand why it isn't easy for me. 


I have it in my head that everything is an impulse and if I want to do something new I can't because it's a stupid manic idea. I don't see my family or what friends I have left much because suddenly feeling social is a sure sign I'm manic and I don't know I'm manic until it's 3 days in and I haven't showered, ate or went to work. I can't plan trips or for the future at all because I'm scared again that it's all impulse and it leads to something bad.