I feel like there's no hope for me, it affects EVERYTHING I do, a year of therapy &amp; meds couldn't even help me... I can't even talk to people, msg friends, watch shows, read, make food/tea, walk, exercise, meditate etc without compulsions ruining it... Having to count/time/feel/see *everything* perfectly or restart till it is, having to reread, rewatch, rehear everything; take notes of patterns/words/images, having to research everything etc. 

With the exercise part, even if I push through the discomfort, I feel decent after because of the endorphins but only for like 20 minutes before OCD brings all the anxiety &amp; cortisol flooding back in... I feel physically sick from the constant anxiety like someones constantly holding a knife to my throat. I'm not pessimistic I think there's a lot to enjoy about life, but what's the point of living if I can't enjoy any of those things!? 😭😭 It's as if God wants me to kill myself, are some people just meant to commit suicide??