I don't feel like I have any identity past my own self destructive behaviours. 

This is hard to explain written down but I don't feel like there's much of a person to me past the unsafe drug taking, reckless driving and self harm/suicidal ideation that I partake in so regularly. I feel like these things define who I am and I think this stops me from ever changing anything because I'm scared of not knowing what the hell would define me as a person if these things were not part of my life. 

I try to have interests and read things to improve my intelligence at any chance, but all of this feels so superficial and forced to me. I don't feel like I can embrace any activities unless I am being self destructive. 