
CW: Sexual abuse and su***** mentioned. 


This wasn't how my life was supposed to go. I always dreamed of being with someone in a relationship. Then get married and have kids. And experience life together.

Except that will never happen. From being sexual abused as a child to the point of developing bpd. Ive tried to meet people to date, but always never gets anywhere. Even speed dating to apps. I work out everyday and dress nice. I cant even make friends. Ive tried searchinfor someone only to be let down. It's all for nothing. Im happy for those who have someone. 

Now all i have left is just dreaming of the life i wanted. These envious and jealousy feelings wont go away ever. They just intensify each day. I dont understand the concept of someone who wants to be with you because of my past trauma. After all the years of repressing memories finally make sense.

I cant commit suicide because it would destroy my family and my t. I feel like a caged animal living a depressed life. All i want is someone who cares and wants to with me. Just once in my life to experience what a relationship is. I have just radically accepted that i will never experience love in my life. Only to live in envy of everyone around me. Who would live a life in envy and jealousy forever when you can take it all away in seconds. I just wish i could disappear without hurting everyone. 

I'm sorry for going off. I just wanted to vent about my life. Please don't attack me.