I either can't feel anything or feel too much. At work i can be a robot, not feeling anything and just be on auto pilot (i dissociate a lot, even with friends). But as soon as i get home everything just fall apart. I feel too damn much it hurts. The emptiness, the depression. I can't take this anymore.


I have tried talk therapy, it doesn't work for me. I couldn't trust my therapist, and i have some trauma which are very hard n confusing to talk about. I can't be vulnerable and tell a stranger everything, or at least not with my last therapist. My parents refuse to acknowledge my mental needs and i couldn't afford dbt. 


I have a very good friend of mine. She does try to help. But it's like explaining colors to a blind person. And i don't want to cling or burden her at all. 


I'm very depressed, tho i don't "look like a depressed person". I don't think i deserve love or any attachment. I keep things as logical as i can. I don't feel human anymore. I don't know what i do or don't deserve. And i don't know what to do. It's very painful. 