I feel as if nobody understands how much it hurts to be told how stupid and worthless you are, and those people that do are “successful” in their lives and have allot of friends and are in and out of relationships, I have never had meaningful friends myself as the ones I did have were teenagers who thought it was a good idea to manipulate me and try to make my life even worse than it is now even though they claimed to be helping,


95% of the people I spoke with have loads of friends and partners and 80% of them are younger than I am, and they tell me how much time I wasted when I was younger (I am almost 21M) and they guilt tripped me about not having a job, leaving school, being a virgin, etc. 


And they would always make fun of me when they thought I was being ghosted by a girl.

My mental state is at a breaking point and there are times I feel like screaming my head off and wanting to simply not exist anymore. It has gotten so bad that at times I don’t care when bad events happen to me or others or around the world. I haven’t been eating properly lately because of my severe anxiety and depression which doesn’t help that I was diagnosed with ASD years ago, and I sleep way too long and I simply stay in bed because I know there is never something to look forward to.



When people tell me to just get a job and go to college/UNI, etc, while good intended, they don’t understand that my thought process and my mindset. Nobody would want to hire me because of the fact I hold grudges and envy against almost everyone I come across if even at the slightest they are more successful socially and happier than me. 


I find it hard to contain my anger against many people and if they piss me off even to the slightest. I block everyone and sometimes make idle threats I do not mean.


I have lost count on how many psychologists I have seen and none of them helped. I kept switching until I had enough and stopped seeing them. 


Nobody ever wants to hang out with me, people call me weird, different, etc. 

I feel as if I need to be proven wrong on the “I know nothing will ever change” part, because I feel as if I have a cursed soul, and there is nothing that can be done for people to ever like me, I feel I am some nasty repellent.