I didnt open it, but I saw a picture of their face. I sudden cold rush went through my body and my stomach sank. I felt nauseous and started crying. This was a few minutes ago. 

I miss them so much but I hate them. I want them to fucking die but I love them and want to take care of them. I ruined our friendship, we were best friends and I loved her so much. My stupid mental issues made me insecure and anxious and all i did was accuse her and cling to her out of fear of abandonment. 

I think about her everyday despite not seeing her in forever, she has been engraved in my head. She doesnt even think of me, we used to be so close. She used to worry about my suicidal behaviour but she grew numb to everything I did. I cant control myself. I ruined it. I have so much difficulty accepting that but I kind of do. Why am I like this? I left her on an ultimatum. "Im going to stop messaging you, if you want to stay friends you need to initiate our conversations". Months have gone by and nothing. Few weeks go by and whatever, we arent friends. It hurts but I kept going. BUT NOW, I see that she posts on her story and all these emotions and adrenaline come flooding in. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I CANT DO MUCH TO EXPRESS MYSELF, ITS 2AM I CANT RUN OR DO JACK SHIT.

PLEASE I need someone to give advice, tips anything. Im desperate. Im in pain. I dont know what to do