A few days ago I made the mistake of reaching out to my ex (longtime fp) . I found out he has cancer and I felt so bad. He had cheated on me and been just downright mean in the past. It's been a year since we talked and over year broke up. In that time I found someone with a kind heart who wanted to help me and he married me and he got a house for us. Lately he is saying he doesn't know if he can handle my personality and is thinking we should split. That was a huge reason I reached back out to the ex. 

I hated my ex this whole time for hurting me and bringing me so low I almost killed myself but after talking with him again all those confused feelings of love I once had came back. Of course he wants me back saying that the cancer humbled him etc. I am scared and terrified that I keep thinking about going back to him. He still isn't in a good living situation and I know I would become miserable again. I KNOW it but my stupid heart keeps telling me to go.

My husband got so upset that I was sick and crying and thinking of going back to mean ex. He hugged me and told me he wants to keep working on things and he doesn't want me to go right back into the situation he wanted to save me from. So we made up and I blocked my ex. I said goodbye to ex because I was so guilty but I still feel really sick. This really horrible feeling of impulsiveness that I just want to run back to my ex. All those feelings of him being my fp came back. I keep thinking what if he really has changed? Why do I still love someone who hurt me? I can't stop thinking about him and I'm really sick over it. I know I would ruin my life if I left everything to get back with him so I feel really stupid to even consider it. 

I just want some non biased feedback that I'm doing the right thing not going back. I'm terrified I'm going to ruin my life again like I have SO many times and I just got myself into a decent stable life.