

I've had an FP for the last 10 years that use to be a close co-worker of mine. He's married and has 2 kids and had been dealing with relationship issues. I myself have a husband myself and 3 kids and have been going through issues at home myself. I can admit that my BPD has played a major part in the splitting that has occurred in my personal relationship and I would just be so angry and frustrated by the actions of my husband sometimes and just felt eventually he would get feed up and leave me. I would feel so much hate towards him it would be uncontrollable and I could feel myself pushing him away. Now listen, my husband is the most loving and tender hearted human being I've ever met in my life. Cooks, cleans, good provider and absolutely great father and does what ever possible to make me happy. I would share these feelings with my FP and he would give me great advice on how to communicate things to my husband better. I started to feel myself growing closer to my FP and eventually developing strong feelings for him. The closer I got to him, the further away I pulled away from my husband. I actually stop sleeping with my husband and started to distancing myself from him. I was having intimacy issues with him that I found difficult to discuss with him. Somehow, I started seeing him as my enemy and felt as though he was cheating on me or he didn't find me attractive anymore. I started to feel very lonely and my FP started to encourage me to leave my husband because he wasn't making me happy. I told him that I was no longer sleeping with him and my FP offered to help me with my sexual needs. I figured, why not? I still was sleeping with my husband also but actually enjoyed my FP sex more for some unexplainable reason. I don't even find my FP that attractive and would never be in a real relationship with him.
So we became friends with benefits and hooked up over a period of 6 years. Just sex with no comment. So long story short...
My husband founded out about us and I feel so horrible and ashamed of what I've done to him. I've completely destroyed him and my family. The way he looked at me in so much pain and disbelief about what I had been doing behind his back sent me into panic and the most humiliating guilt I've ever felt in my life. All I could do is blame him for not paying enough attention to me and not being more intimate. I told him I felt alone at the house with him and the kids. My FP basically ghosted me because my husband private investigator gather so much information on him, he basically told me he wanted nothing to do with the situation. We haven't spoken in 6 months and I'm starting to think that he was just using me for sex. My husband has forgiven me and apologized for his part in the affair but I know that he was only reacting to my lies and manipulative behavior. He said he was only trying to do what he thought I wanted him to do and it never felt like he was ever doing anything right. Now I'm realizing how much this man truly loves me and I fear that I'm going to loose him and my kids. How did I get here? What have I done?