I'm 33, I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 17.
I live alone. I have one friend, she also has BPD and spends most of her time with her partner and has her own problems to deal with.
My relationship with my dad and step mum has never been good. They never visit me, I don't visit them because I feel like they don't want me around. My mum doesn't live around here. My nan and grandad did a lot of raising me, they always put in the effort to see me, if stay there for a few nights when I was an adult and we'd go places. My grandad died of cancer 3 and a half years ago, my nan became ill after that and now she lives in a care home now. I haven't seen her for 7 months. I tried to get on a bus to see her a few days ago but started to have an anxiety attack as soon as I stepped on the bus.
I have a phobia of travelling, I suffer with panic disorder, contamination phobia, very intense depression.
My now ex boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, the relationship was unstable because he'd just come out of a marriage and I was scared of things going wrong with us and just had really bad anxiety all of the time. He has a job, a house, doesn't have mental illness, and was generally understanding and good at putting things in to perspective, he would also say things that shouldn't have been said at the start of a relationship like wanting to marry me and that I should hold off looking for another place to move because we'd probably move in together in around 6 months. We'd been together before, around ten years ago.
When he broke up with me he said he wanted to be in a normal relationship and I know I can't do normal or at least I couldn't with him, I tried but I'm so damaged from my previous relationships that I find it so hard to trust people. I need to be I'm a relationship but I can't be in one.
He was my last shot at trying to have a relationship, I'm too broken. 
I'm incredibly isolated, I just have me and my rats. I feel like a complete failure, mostly because I am. I need someone to help me and hold me up but there's no one to do that, over the last few years I've become so much more unwell. I have no life, my life is so sad, it really is. I've just been left to rot really. 
TW TALK OF SUI
I feel like I should die, I'm never going to have the life I want or be the person I want to be, I'm never going to have the loving close knit family and it kills me. I find it so sad that I feel like I need to die. Life is so painful and lonely, I don't know what keeps me going, I think it's because of hurting other people and because part of me is angry that I feel like I have no other choice but to kill myself because life isn't worth living.
I know my ex wants to be in a relationship so I imagine he'll move on within a month, I can't move on, I'm too broken.
I'm some kind of sub human, I'm not normal or good enough, I'm tainted and I can't stand it, I don't want this life, and I don't feel like I have it in me to change things. 
My nan who has been my FP for all my life is 91, she isn't going to live forever. I've been mourning her for the last few years because the nan I knew went away. My dad told me she's pretty much back to normal but I can't go and see her 😢 There's no one to take me. 
I've fallen apart and I don't see the point of keeping going anymore because there's not a whole lot in my life, and I find that heartbreaking.
I guess I just came here to vent.
Yours sincerely,
The not normal one.