My friend told another friend a mild secret of mine. It
wasn't really a big deal and it wasn't anything malicious.
But I had a panic attack thinking she was being
malicious and I exploded on her. I called her every name
in the book. I called her a bad mother. I said how can
she be a good mom when she's a bad friend and not
loyal since she can't teach her son loyalty. I said such
mean horrible things. All because I felt betrayed. Then I
spoke to the mutual friend and calmed down. I realized
it wasn't such a big deal and she didn't have any ill
intent. While I was typing my apology to her she texted
me apologizing for telling him and saying she didn't
have any ill intent. I told her she has nothing to be sorry
for and that I didn't mean anything I said. I feel so awful.
I always do this. I'm such a kind, loyal, loving person.
But when I feel hurt or betrayed by someone I become
his evil creature I don't recognize. I will say such vile
things, insults specifically catered to hurt people to the
core. I hate it. I hate that I do that. I react and don't stop
to calm down. I wish I knew how to change this. It's like
I immediately tell myself they are bad and betrayed me
so I need to hurt them just as much as they hurt me.