My emotional state and self-esteem can be too easily modified by the opinion of other people. I am extremely sensitive, have very thin skin, and I cry in response to rejection, criticism, or disapproval. I feel an incredible amount of pain in these scenarios; it's as if someone reaches inside me and tears whatever I have inside apart. It's a shocking, crushing sensation and then I slide into inevitable crying episodes. This is very embarrassing as even something that is innocuous, like a joke, can trigger this response. My facial muscles tense up and tears start flowing, it's a childlike response to hurt. I can't have people see me when this happens because they will rightfully assume that I'm emotionally fragile, unstable, or a child. I will then be treated differently, as a defective person, and I want to be treated as a normal person.

Conversely, I also integrate praise directly into my core. Any positive feedback I receive, whether compliments, flattery, a good test score, any minor success, make me feel high as a kite. Nothing is wrong with the world, I then think, nothing matters. A euphoric sensation overcomes me. I feel like skipping down the street. 

All of this leads to a shifting internal self-concept. I feel very vulnerable to the opinions of others, as they carry much weight. Anybody can ruin my day or week, and so I am permanently on guard. I had painful experiences with learning to socialize when I was very young, and so I exercise rigid control over myself, lest I make a mistake. Since my self-esteem is mostly sourced externally, I have to curate to others the image of the person I would like to be. This masking tactic is also practiced by people who are normal, but not quite to the same extent that I do. My entire self is malleable, I fit myself to whomever I am speaking to, I am a chameleon of sorts. I strive to be likable above all else. There is a sense of flakiness and disgust I feel at the lack of inner constancy I have and my inconsistent behavior. 

In order to manage this higher sensitivity to feedback, there are several behaviors I practice. The first is avoidance of social interaction. I have to limit the amount of time I spend socializing and number of people I socialize with to minimize the risk of rejection. I am very lonely as a result. I have tried to increase the amount of interaction but there's a hard limit where I feel too exposed and derive no pleasure from it. Unfortunately, without any feedback at all I feel grey and empty, and become depressed.

I daydream and fantasize often, its another coping mechanism. I use it to hone my ideal of perfect conversation, where things flow well and I reveal nothing about myself. It's become a part of my daily routine. Instead of actually pursuing a relationship, I am content to dream about an impossibly ideal love.I indulge in escapist behaviors. Video games were my drug of choice for many years and the only thing that I did, that I looked forward to. I have 6000 hours total over various games. 

I self-sabotage. I don't complete schoolwork, or adhere to deadlines. I enjoy losing myself to depressive episodes or sadness. I will be dropping out of school soon. 

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I was wondering if anyone relates to this. I'm sorry if this offends someone. If it's any consolation, I will be deleting this soon.