I think all my friends hate me but they just feel bad for me so they dont leave. We’ve been friends for years but ik if I was them I’d be tired of me too. It’s not just being annoying it’s that mentally I’m rapidly declining and becoming even more exhausting to be around. One thing is that I’m less of a bad person outwardly, I’ve always been horribly self destructive but back then my destructive ways would seep to other people and I’ve improved on that and keep it to myself, I’m still a sack of shit but atleast noone has to deal with it as much. 

I just, don’t trust my friends, I left my group chat and I feel like they’re talking about how happy they are that I’m gone or how fucking annoying I am or that they know I’m faking all my weird psycho shit for attention, hell, maybe I am and I just convinced myself I’m not. I don’t blame them, I’m a shit friend too. 

I’m also a sorry excuse for a boyfriend and I think it’d be better for my partner if he split with me, but I don’t think he will. I can’t talk to anyone, I want to abandon all my friends so that they never have to see me again. I always get like this, I used to have online friends in art communities but I ended up leaving them without explanation because of the inherent embarrassment of them knowing me, and having to be around me. I’m tired, I don’t want people to know me, I do wish I was dead.

But I can’t kill myself because I’m convinced my parents think I’m depressed cause I’m working and it looks pathetic, like I can’t do it.


It’s like I feel like everyone is against me but at the same time I don’t blame them for it. 
Sorry for the rant I’m just tired and upset.