I’ve always been insecure, I’ve hated myself, and sought validation in others.

In friendships, I try to fix them so I don’t have to focus on myself. In relationships, I try to become the woman I think they want.

I’ve never had a chance to take a hard look at myself, and the thought disgusts me.

Annoying but necessary shit fest of a back story of my now, lowest point:
Recently I invested my everything into a partner, this went on for two years. I was the most amazing, fun, kind, patient, understanding partner there was. He would break it off occasionally due to his bisexuality and not being able to remain monogamous to me, and then come back when he realized life sucked without me. He hardly touched me, had sex with me, made me feel wanted. He didn’t know, but during these periods, I would be drowning in self loathing and despair, with constant thoughts of suicide because I felt so worthless. I hated my disorder gave him this power over me. In the past, during our first breakup, he had an affair with his best friend of 4+ years wife, and newly mother of his child. When I found out AFTER we had gotten back together, it wrecked me. How could you not want to be with a woman enough to stay w me, but enough to ruin a friendship and that mans life? I felt so inadequate, and lesser than her. Recently we were trying to recover from our relationship into a friendship bc we were codependent. It easily fell back into “babe” and “I love you” and spending almost every night together, and then suddenly, he says things got “muddled” along the way, stopped inviting me over/calling me babe, etc. It was clear he completely lost interest, and I wondered why, was it a man? Was it the woman he slept with? I chalked it up to that. However, I saw on his Reddit (yes of course I fucking stalk him) he was posting about women on Bumble hitting on him- of course leading to sex. I’m confused, again, how I cannot be treasured bc is a sexuality issue when you’re actively seeking women, and instead of it being a sexuality issue this time, you let me  to keep your options open? When I say this has obliterated me, I can’t think of another word. I haven’t eaten more than about 400 calories a day. I can’t watch porn, it makes me horribly sad. I can’t masturbate. I hate myself too much. I hate looking at myself, I feel utterly, completely worthless. 

I’m trying not to spiral, and also not fall into the same pattern (investing myself in someone else). I’m being hyper cautious with my new SO, so I don’t do it again. I’m trying to fill the void with self love but I have NO IDEA where to start. I’m repulsed and depressed from the thought of it.

TL;DR I want/need to learn how to love myself.
