Things have always been hard. But they got harder recently. My most recent experience of me being a fuck up has shifted something in me and I zone out all the time. I feel like I'm not here. I keep hoping it's one of those dreams where I'll wake up and it'll just be a dream that felt long. I genuinely just feel deep regret. I have never been good enough, and perhaps I never will be. People say it will get better, and I believed that when I was happy for 9 months straight. But even though that happened, I'm back in this super bad place and I just don't believe things will get better. After what happened my significant other said it didn't ruin us, and it could make things better. But we're both trying to deal with it and he's doing that by making sassy jabs at me... And they hurt. And I deal with it by crying every night. He doesn't mean it to hurt my feelings, he's mad at himself. And I'm mad because I'm not deserving, not good enough. I don't deserve to be with who I'm with where I am. I just feel morose. I cry in the shower a lot now. I used to cry in front of him and now I feel ashamed of it and want to lock myself away alone when I cry.