I work in retail while introverted and socially anxious. Not only that but I’m a supervisor so I have to actually tell people what to do but I feel like, partly because I’m younger, no one really listens. Then, I don’t have enough coverage and basically had a meltdown during my shift because I felt abandoned by my team and alone. I only did it so I can get some money in while I research and find another job but after work, I have no mental energy left. My days off I can barely get out of bed. I know I need to get out but even if I did still find something, I’ll just come across the same issue: I don’t like being around other humans. 

I hate driving or being in line and people are right up against you so I scoot out of the way and they scoot closer. Sometimes I forfeit my spot in line and get in behind them because personal space isn’t allowed anymore I guess. Pandemic is over so we have to be so close that we’re physically touching and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I even glare and nope, right in my bubble. I’m not asking for six feet, but I need more than a foot buddy. I’m so stressed out and I feel constantly on edge. I can hardly even go to the grocery store anymore without breaking down. It never used to be this bad. 

On top of everything, I give and give and give and my friends abandon me once I need help. I’m just a stepping stone to be used. I feel so horribly alone. My best friend of twenty years, I’d drop anything to help them but if I’m having issues, they’re gone and I might not hear from them for a month. I’ve tried therapy but I can’t afford it anymore and the only person I could afford couldn’t do severe depression cases (they were new, long story) so I just… pretended I didn’t so I could get any help I could get. 

I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not, I’m tired of being used, I’m tired of not having someone there when I need them, I’m tired of not being able to afford help, I’m tired of people ignoring personal space, I’m tired of retail, but most importantly: I’m scared. Im scared of the future, I’m scared of people, but I’m scared of being alone. Im scared and I’m tired.