Seeking Support

I'm really concerned about it. The first few entries are while she's in a mental hospital, she spent a week there, and 8 days after leaving she returned to drinking. Went from not wanting to take xanax to being terrified it was gonna be taken away from her. Making poor relationship choices the list goes on.

I even remember some of the days she wrote about, when we decorated for Halloween. When we walked to her dad's store. I was 8 at the time of writing.

She talks about my brother seeing what was really going on (He was 11) and I got so angry about her putting that on such a young kid.

She talks about anxiety, about needing to simplify her life because she has too many vices. And learning lessons she'd completely forgotten within the year (this I know because that was the year custody was disputed and she left when she lost) 

I'm 22 now. She was 27. I'm getting worse, it's harder to keep myself regulated than it's ever been and I'm terrified I'm gonna stop seeing myself in the mirror and see my mum.

It was a year, Australia day, since she died. Alcohol abuse is what took her out. And I keep flip flopping between grieving what I never had and never will, and being so fucking angry that she forced me to grow up without a mum. And now I can't even have a friend in her as an adult. I grieved her as a child. I'm grieving her as an adult.

And now I might start seeing her in the fucking mirror.

I'm buying a puppy on impulse. The only reason I'm not stopping myself (Getting it sat) is because all I can see is positives. It'll regulate my physical health and if I do a good enough job training, even alert to my poor mental health. (I've got everything I need including time, no need to worry about the puppy)

I'm just so lost and confused and my head hurts.