I don't know where to say it, but here I go. Everything in my body either feels numb or in pain. It's not like chronic pain or a simple headache. I just feel like living is taking such a big toll on me for no reason.  I live with my mom, I have great friends and an even greater boyfriend. I have my life together as I go to work and soon to uni but I feel like a piece of crap. All those people in my life are great. They are all so kind and patient with me and they actually try to make me happy. Yet I feel so shitty everyday and I cannot seem to get better in any way. I am forcing myself to live and do basic chores like getting up and doing my bed. And I do that everyday because I have to. But i just can't take it anymore. I just want to kill myself if I could. 
"Oh you sound like you need professional help." OF COURSE I DO. I went to therapy regularly the last 10 months and I did not improve in anything in the slightest bit. Infact, it got worse to the point where I dont want to just harm myself I straight up want to stab myself until I bleed out. My surroundings are lucky that my mom took away all the sharp objects from me. Who knows if I were still here to write shit like this while being half asleep and thinking about how much I would hurt everyone else around me just because I could not handle the pain anymore. It would have all been easier if I killed myself before my parents started to give fucks about me and before I met my friends. Who knows, maybe the best case scenario would be if my dad had beaten my mom back then when she was pregnant with me so I would not even have a chance at living. After all, he did not want me and after living on this shitty world I feel the same as my dad back then. It is just kind of ironic how he really wants me to be alive now. 
Maybe he would change his mind if he knew how hopeless I was? Maybe everyone else around me would let me die if they knew how hopeless i am. I never tell anyone about therapy as of course nothing happens in therapy. I don't even know why I still go to therapy. It isn't helping me at all and I feel worse than I felt on my worst earlier this year  Also I feel like if I tried to get better it would just backfire on me and it would get worse everytime. I just can't put up with this. I took the big step and looked for help only to get worse and arrive at a point where I am close to actually killing myself. Why do I keep doing this to me?