Hi. Not fully diagnosed with BPD, but went for a full psych evaluation for a clinical trial and the doctor said my symptoms line up with diagnostic criteria for BPD (obviously not an official diagnosis, and he made this clear). I've been reading more about BPD symptoms and have started a BPD workbook to try to manage some of the things I find interfering with my my life.

The thing is, in April I cheated on my partner with a former coworker and her boyfriend, which has been the worst decision I have ever made in my life. This was not premeditated in any way, just spur of the moment when we were drinking. I told him the very next day and he was obviously crushed by this and has been ever since, but we're still together.

My partner and I are relatively sexually explorative, and he's fully aware that I'm bi/ace (which complicates things even further) so he was open to me kissing my coworker but not the rest of what ensued. It hurts him even more that I'm ace and don't tend to feel sexual attraction yet I betrayed him in a sexual way. I've been reading self-help books for couples going through this and have signed us up for couples counseling, etc.

The whole situation has been complicated by this news of my possible BPD and also unrelated life events that have made both of us more stressed than ever. I find myself so lost in my emotions and dissociating very frequently, feeling so empty inside and not knowing what to do. I cling on to anyone who offers me even the slightest bit of affection. I know I'm at fault for what happened, which isn't the point of this post, just wanting to see if there's anyone else who has experienced something similar.

People already tend to demonize BPD and admitting that I show symptoms of BPD as well as the fact that I cheated feels like a betrayal to everyone around me. I still love my partner and want to rebuild the trust that I broke, but I don't know how to successfully do this now knowing that I have BPD-like symptoms and tendencies to have trouble with my emotions.

Does anyone have any similar experiences? BPD stigma aside, has cheating affected any of your lives? If so, were you able to repair the relationship? How do either parties even begin to approach this?

Thank you all ❤️