I’ve been depressed (technically bipolar) since I was 15 and I always end up back at square one. I’m able to fake it til I make it at jobs for a year max before I am fired or I quit because I have a depressive episode that makes me suicidal and I end up back in the hospital. I don’t know how I’m ever going to support myself because I can’t get disability and I can’t hold down jobs. 

Nothing makes me happy anymore. It gets better but then it gets bad again. And when I’m at this spot, I am completely hopeless and empty and tired of living. 

I used to have purpose. I used to be an artist, a musician, a writer. I used to love waking up in the morning and having my tea and opening all the windows and enjoying the sunshine and fresh air and thank the universe for another day alive. 

Now I sleep for 20 hours a day, I feel hollow, a sad excuse for a person. Even having a long term partner and close friends isn’t enough motivation for me to want to live. I barely shower, eat, I never brush my teeth, I live in filth because I can’t clean up after myself. I’ve already made yet another appointment with my psych to talk about tweaking my meds because they just aren’t working anymore. 

I don’t know what to do to change this. How to find purpose again and want to wake up in the morning. How to actually find the strength to get out of bed and not rot away until I starve to death.