Hi everyone; first of all, English is not my first language, so sorry in advance for any mistakes I could make!

It's quite difficult for me (23F) to put down in words the feelings I'm experiencing. I'll try to keep it brief: basically, my mother has lung's cancer, and I'm prone to believe this to be the main reasons of all of my problems. She was diagnosed 6 years ago, underwent surgery, but the cancer came back after one year and a half. Since that moment, she's doing a sort of "biological chemo", meaning she's taking these pills, with almost no side effects, thus, you could never tell her being ill (she's so shining and cheerful and beautiful as always).

During the past four years, the tumor has came back several times, so she had to change her medications. Right now, she is on the last available pill and, due to the site of the cancer, it's not possible to remove it surgically. This month's TC scan came out good (the cancer is stable, still there, but not larger, no metastasis  and stuff).

The thing is, I'm always feeling as if I have to be prepared for the worst, sudden, outcome. I couldn't experience joy or happiness after learning the TC results, I just took a breath after months of holding it, now I'm just anxious for the next one.

It is always as if I have a thick black layer covering up all the things I do, I see, I feel. Even when I'm having fun, I can't really enjoy that moment, there is always this white noise surrounding my brain.

My fathers feels the same way I do, while my mother has a coping mechanism consisting in "toxic positivity". She states that she is not afraid of death, that she just desires to live her life as if nothing is going on, she wants to be happy and carefree. She pretends the same mindset from my father and I, but at the same time she's just saying bullshits: her real thoughts and fears become very clear whenever her mood suddenly  and dramatically swings, when she blurts out the most horrific things about my father (she uses him as a scapegoat, while he has always tried to be the most loving husband), or generally express some maniac behaviors.

I've tried several times to explain her how I feel, how sad, anxious, I am, but she just won't listen. She wants me to be enthusiastic, I'm literally never allowed to be sad about her situation. I do know it's hard for her, but it is for me as well...

The last two months, have been quite hard: right after my birthday, my  dog of 14 years died, right after that, my father's aunt died as well. I had 2 exams to take, and I've done none.

I lack the will of doing anything. I've worked so hard to enroll into the med school I've always dreamt about, and now I don't really want to study, I don't feel like it.

I don't feel like going out. I don't want to see my friends and I can't really explain them how I'm feeling, and they get angry because I'm letting them down and refusing invitations. The only person I wish to see is my boyfriend (him just being close to me makes me feel calm and relaxed). However, I need to put a strong effort to go out pretending I'm having the time of my life. One of my best friend's father recently had an ischaemia (he's fine now, but he'll always be at risk) and, even though I am terribly worried and sorry for her and her family, I cant' help it but being more worried about myself and the support I need to provide her as a good friend should.

Also, my father is content only when he knows that I'm studying: after a episode I had 3 days ago (crying, shouting, struggling for breath), preceded by 2 weeks of me laying in my bed, he made me a daily program concerning all of my activities (when to wake up, hours of studying, hours of resting and going out), because he truly and wholeheartedly believes that I need this kind of stability and organization in order to feel better and being productive.

I followed his program for one day and one day only, and that was it. I still don't want to study, I still feel as I'm always feeling. I went out with my boyfriend and friends on Friday and Saturday night and I thought I was starting to feel better, but it was just a momentary distraction: today I just want to lay on my bedroom's floor scrolling through Instagram's reels.

I know I'll fail all my classes doing as I'm currently doing. I know I'm being a failure (even my paternal grandparents are disappointed in me because I didn't take those exams) and a burden. Still, I'm often finding myself thinking that I'd like being hit by a car, just to be sent to the hospital for at least two weeks, so to not have any responsibilities and have people concerned about me.

Even writing so, I believe myself to be an impostor, looking for attention and excuses to my laziness.