I never have much luck posting here, something usually happens that makes me feel like I don’t belong, but I have no where to turn right now.

I’m just feeling extra weak lately, I have no energy right now to fight the feelings and thoughts I know aren’t good. I’m hurting myself more(just today I’ve punched multiple things, luckily not myself yet), I’m starting to care less, which means I’m going to take more risks. I have no one but the internet to confine in, to relate to.

The only person I can consider when I take actions is my little brother. He’s still too young to talk to but not young enough where he isn’t aware something is wrong with me. I honestly worry he wouldn’t be able to handle my choices and sometimes that serves as motivation, other times the pain is so much I don’t care, I just want it to be done.

I recently opened up to my job because I was at a point where inpatient care was looking like my only option. And as usual it backfired, I now consistently get less hours and am getting undercut while working to the point where it’s really effecting my money.

I eat less, maybe a meal a day but sometimes it’s just a bag of chips. I’m back to just mindlessly doing things to distract myself until I can fall asleep. I hold everything in because every situation in my life(home, work) are not “healthy”. There is no discussing it, there is no working things out, they are absolute. I either accept being wrong or don’t bring it up.

Sorry for the wall, I guess I just need some space for my thoughts to occupy right now, because solely in my head isn’t helping.