Lately I’ve noticed that I feel like I’m a fucking teenager again. Everything has been really hard lately and I feel like I’m just back to all my teenage habits and mindsets. I’ve relapsed with SH, BADLY relapsed with ana, I’m having a lot of the thoughts I had as a teen again (if you get really skinny and hot enough maybe people will be less likely to abandon you), I feel incapable of even looking for a job let alone holding one down, and like I just can’t effectively take care of myself. I feel that same sense of trapped hopelessness I felt when I was younger, that nothing I do is gonna make anything better and it’s resulting in me really leaning into my self destructive habits. I wish I didn’t hate myself so much. My therapist keeps pushing me to find value in myself that doesn’t involve other people or external measurements of success but it’s so fucking hard. She’s been urging self care and my broken brain can only ever see self care as a reward, not a proactive measure to improve wellbeing. This shit sucks.