I feel so alone, dissatisfied, anxious, depressed, uninterested, guilty. I'm not in a good place mentally, so my BPD is getting out of control and I don't know if my feelings are valid or if I'm magnifying everything.

I feel disgusted by everything around me. I have nightmares all the time. I am sleepwalking again.

I remember how I felt so happy with my life 2 years ago. I wanted to rent a cabin and celebrate my birthday with my friends. It seemed all so magical. I had money, friends, plans.

Things fell apart one by one. External factors and my fault as well.

Now tomorrow is my birthday and I'm here alone laying in the dark just wondering what the fuck. No one will celebrate me. No one planned nothing for me. I live with my partner yet I feel lonelier than ever. 

I know something is wrong, but I cannot identify what. I'm hopeless and tired. I don't want to fix things anymore. I didn't want to be the sole breadwinner. I didn't want to lose my friends. I didn't want to change jobs. But my wants are completely irrelevant as they lack purpose. I don't have any passion or dreams. I just want to enjoy life. But other people's dreams are more valuable than mine because they are more meaningful.

I did not want to become this. I am invisible. I could die today and no one would care.

I'm just a fucking child that happens to age and I wanted to live a work hard, play hard life until I died. But that's stupid and selfish and I used my money supporting someone with actual dreams.

I just hate my life, I want to be seen, feel loved and be special. But I know I'll always be empty and gravitate towards self-destruction. I'm not suicidal, but I just want to give up.