Going through a rough patch. Spouse is too. Both suicidal thoughts, no actions, just can’t control the thought processes. I’m trying to fix me but I can’t take most meds, physical side effects are extreme and ridiculously out there, every one I’ve tried. From heart palpitations to hallucinations to blacking out. It’s stupid. I have an appointment today. Spouse breakdown is job related/medication changes. Mine is dramatic hormonal swing and unmanaged everything due to what I mentioned above. I need to fix this. I can’t even look my spouse in the eye anymore, I’m too beat down by life and it’s too painful seeing their pain reflected back at me. 

They think it’s because I hate them. I’m scared they’re so bad off they’re having  suicidal thoughts, absolutely terrified, but I’m also worried this is a bipolar manic depressive episode that they can’t see and they might regret giving up the only employment we have that offers benefits we need and pays the bills. Me returning to work means taking a night shift, and juggling home school, and running a business by day. It will destroy me. I’m already broken. Covid broke us, individually, long story I can’t get into. 

We are toxic for each other right now and in a situation where one of us always has to be the “loser,” it just has no other way of being. One of us can keep/switch to the job they like well enough, the other is just out of luck. I don’t want them doing this anymore but I know the second that coin is reversed, it’s me on the block and that scares the shit out of me. And makes me feel incredibly selfish. Guilty. There just is no scenario where both of us come out on top and it’s unfair. 

And I just can’t. I can’t cope. I can’t act. I’m physically sick. I’m mentally sick. I love them more than anything, what is my problem? How do I fix this. How do I fix us. I just want that numb stage where nothing hurts anymore. Instead I’m here and unwell and everything hurts and it’s so much pain. They deserve better. They deserve someone who is not me. They always have. I feel like I need to just leave. For them and for the kids. I’m not good for anyone. It’s me. I’m the problem. I’m too broken. And it feels like I’m dragging everyone down with me because I’m too paralyzed by fear and pain to be useful.