Really just looking for some love and support or words of encouragement. I'm not in a good place at all right now and feel so broken and alone. My partner of 10 months dumped me last night which for me felt so out-of-the-blue. I wasn't prepared and it felt so sudden to me. Things weren't as stable as I wished for yet, but I genuinely believed they were improving. He even told me that himself. I was developing my DBT skills, meds started working, I was reaching out to more friends for support, was feeling more confident in myself and I felt at least, things between us we improving and we were just genuinely having more fun together. But he was in a lot of pain and he just couldn't hold on for me anymore. The last relationship ended tumultuously on my birthday and things had gotten very out of hand and we both were hurting one another too much. I treated him like my carer, not my partner. He gave me another shot a month later but bam, here we are again. I am so in love with this person and my heart is shattered into a million pieces. To think I'll never be able to talk to him, see him, hold him, kiss him, laugh with him again is agonising. I'm sure you all know what that feels like. Yes, unfortunately, he had become my FP which I understand is a toxic dynamic. This dynamic wasn't doing him or I any good, kept my bpd in place, hurt the two of us and I needed to get out of that cycle or again it would end in destruction. But he just couldn't do it anymore despite my willingness to try and prove it and give it another go in a different way with far less emotional dependence. I don't want a fucking FP. I don't need one. I want to show that I can be in a healthy relationship that doesn't evolve into that. Ending things feels like it puts a band-aid on this, waiting for the potential next FP but I want to heal, grow, communicate and do this with him, only him. But I accept he can't do it anymore. I fucking ruined it. Everything was perfect besides my disorder. Besides my anxious attachment, reactions, trauma and instability. Fuck this fucking disorder. I lost the best thing that's happened to me because of my emotions, selfishness and stupidity. Why couldn't I just hold my tongue, calm down, leave the room, not check my phone, reach out to someone else, practice the DBT, take time away. Why.  I am devastated that I lost this incredible, magical connection that I've never experienced in my life because I just was too insecure, too reactive and pushed and pushed until I pushed him away for good. My self-esteem is 0. I feel 0. I know I can live without him but I don't want to. I still feel like he was the one for me. I still hope he feels the same. He's the best thing that's happened to me and I feel that this breakup was the worst. But really, maybe the worst part is actually how much I hurt him.