(I am just affiliated with BPD, too young to consider diagnosing for now)

Many people in my life know pieces and bits of this story, but i have always been too confused, ashamed and scared to tell the whole thing, so here it is.

When i was 15 i started talking whit this guy and i was already in a bad depressive state (had been for two years). I was not comfortable opening up to him about my struggles, as i feared he'd leave. He threatened to leave me if i wouldn't tell him because "we have to trust each other".
I opened up and he left anyways, telling me that if he knew what my struggles were, he would have never wanted me to share them.
Then he came back and i started growing more and more fond of him, but we'd fight constantly and one of us would always end up leaving. It would tear me apart and i noticed that whatever it was, he'd always come back. So i stopped getting angry, stopped giving him reasons to leave and stopped leaving. He had 100% control over me and he knew it. I was at my most vulnerable and i think he liked it. I let him walk all over me for two years, my emotions were becoming unbearable as i completely mirrored him. He was happy, i was euphoric. He was mad, i wanted to die. He liked the role of the hero and told his friends about my struggles and how he'd save me. But instead i wasn't allowed to talk about my condition or he'd leave. Then I got affiliated with BPD and he called it bullshit. However making him aware of that meant giving him all of the cheat codes. He manipulated me using guilt, mostly around the "we have to trust each other" topic. He knew i'd rather die than leave him and that i would have done everything for him. 
So i got called crazy for being jealous and then he'd purposely make me so. Over one of our fights over me not trusting him, i attempted suicide. He was sweet for a week, then shit got back to normal. 
At last he told me that if i couldn't 100% trust him blindly, he'd leave. So i let myself get manipulated into pretty much anything. 
He'd talk a lot about sex and i was so excited, because my being only consisted in his will.
He put every single idea into my mind and i was okay with  that. We were in my room, my parents in the other room. He had put the idea of oral sex into my head, so i did it. It was disgusting. I felt like throwing up and crying. I wanted to tell my parents but they would have forbidden me from ever seeing him again. He told me he wanted to do stuff to me and i laid on the floor crying saying i wasn't comfortable. He said i made him look like an idiot. The next day he left me for good, i had a panic attack so strong i threw up at school and had convulsions.
I had the image of us in my room blocked in my mind, i was always on the verge of vomit and tears. Then i simply deleted it, had no memory of it untill many months later. A friend of mine was talking about her abusive situation, when i remembered. I remembered very little and she made sure i told my parents about it. They were calling it sexual assault and it felt wrong to me. Because i wanted to do it, but only because of my mental condition and his manipulation.
I've never felt valid in this situation, i tell myself i said yes.
But does a yes count when there's no other option to us? Because for me it was that or him leaving, which would have meant death.
I am sorry for the length of this, i doubt someone will get through the whole thing. But if you went through something similar, i get you and i am here for you.