Hey there,

this is my very first reddit post ever. I've observed this and other subreddits (r/depression) for a while and have finally decided that I and the problems I am experiencing are actually worth discussing. This was bugging me for a while since I read so many tragic stories that my problems can't seem to compare to in the slightest. Anyway, here it goes:

I (31m) have been having a 14 year history with Depression (which might actually be Dysthymia as I found out recently since I have always lacked strong suicidal tendencies) with most of the usual symptoms like hopelessness, loneliness, lack of energy (fatigue), reclusiveness, low self-esteem, low self-efficacy, low drive to do basically anything. I also suffer from multiple autoimmune diseases (Diabetes type I, Hashimoto-Thyreoiditis) and have recently had problems with my parathyroid which was exstirpated surgically in April. I'm taking medication for my non-functional thyroid gland, which also has an effect on my levels of fatigue. 

I have done one (behavioural) therapy in the past when I was in a major depressive episode back in 2017 and 2018 for about a year. It did kind of help me but my therapist ended her practice and I could never muster enough strength to find a new therapist while still studying at Uni and working at the same time. My energy levels just didnt allow it at the time.

Ever since I finally finished university things have been going south for me mentally. I actually got a really good job (you could say dream-job, hooray!) with my second after-uni application which I will be starting in August. However, I will have to move about 400km (\~250 miles) to a new city and will be all alone there since I know nobody from this part of our country. This has been stressing me out immensely for weeks now, since I've always hated major change in my life. I've been living in my current city for the last 10 years, all my friends are here, my family lives quite close as well. I love this city and I dread the day when I will have to leave my oasis for an uncertain future in a new job and a new city with no social-life.

Even though I would consider myself socially adapted among my friends, it's an entirely different situation with new people. I have been without a relationship for 10 years and I cant really see myself getting into another one (that's another long traumatic story that I dont want to bore you with since it's not really necessary to the topic at hand), but it's safe to say that I have felt crippling loneliness for much of this time. I'm not the worst looking guy but my self-esteem has deteriorated so much in the last decade that I now feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of being (mentally) compared to actual normal-functioning males. It makes me want to vomit. I feel like I'm unworthy of someone spending considerable amounts of time with me or being in my life for a prolonged time.

I initially had hoped that now that I had solved the problems of what to do with my life (first good paying job, new outlook on life) things would get better for me mentally. But the opposite has been the case. One of the most recognizable changes for me has been my sudden urge to cry whenever I see anything remotely sad or touching or beautiful. While I was never ashamed to show my feelings when appropriate, this is a new development that started only this year. Even though I feel like it is beneficial that I am quite a empathic person, this is definitely going too far for my liking.

The last thing I want to elaborate on is my severe case of imposter-syndrome. To make a long story short: I feel like I dont deserve to be held in high-regard when it comes to my skills. This applies to work enviroments (new employer) and also to my general surroundings (friends and family). Even though I never actually cheated during my studies or obtained anything by fraud I still feel like it's only a matter of time before the people around me notice how much a buffoon I really am. This also pertains to rather simple things like maintaining a clean household, taking care of pets etc. I feel monumentally inept in view of everything that is going to come my way in the next months (fear of losing the new job right away etc.) and I feel like I need some kind of help.

Since it's almost useless at this point to find a new therapist in my "old" city, I was thinking about trying antidepressants for the first time in my life. I friend of mine who is a doctor told me to try Citalopram (Celexa) since it's generally well-tolerated and doesn't have too many severe side effects. I'm hoping to be able to handle all the stress that comes with moving cities and starting over somewhere else a little better and also to maybe help my imposter-syndrome issues.

Obviously there are so many more things that contribute to my situation but I didnt want to make this post too long. So I would like to ask anyone who might have experienced similar forms of anxiety for any useful tips you can give me. If you have experience with Citalopram as a first time anti-depressant please let me know as well. Also please go ahead and ask if you have any questions or if anything seems unclear. 

Finally I want to say thanks to all the wonderful people that give their free time to help strangers online. You are awesome and I'm so happy that this community exists!