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Its something normal people do a lot, I do not understand if eveeyone just lacks empathy but even if someone defends such person these people just shut the person who defended them up too, I dont understand what is so interesting someone who struggles...it is like making fun of someone who is an invalid, they're not at fault their legs dont work. I do not understand normal people's hatred for tears/anger and finding it funny, especially if someone can't control it. Its like ordering someone to stop sweating thats not how it works. Why are some people like that? What evolutionary advantage does that give ? Why do they receive pleasure from making others suffer and ruining their reputation and isolating them when they are already isolated and have no idea why people dislike them or dont want to be their friend or sit next to them when it is somehow magically obvious for everyone else. I do not understand bullying. How it starts. Why it starts. In the jungle bullying has other purposes and you can actually fight it or run away while you are always at disadvantage and people twice your mass and 5 times your size gang up on you so you wouldnt stand a chance. Its even uglier when its guys against an anorexic girl. the funniest thing is that they thought itm akes them manly and cool.

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I just dont understand why guys hate me and why girls who are horrible, manipulative and bitchy always received positive attention while my anxiety and struggles received verbal, emotional and other kinds of abuse that werent physical or sexual so they were hard to be taken seriously. What makes people think - yeah this person is quiet, that is abnormal, I will abuse them ! Cause I have read that it is unconcious but I dont really feel agression towards different people or people i dont understand, yet people think its okay to always disrespect me and treat me like trash, its hard to set boundaries and be assertive that way. How do you adress situations when people disrespect you? What do you do when people dont care about your feelings and hurt you on purpose....what do you say then? I was bullied heavily all of my life for things I can't control and feel traumatized because I don't understand why it happened. "Being weak" or them being bored isn't really a reason and I don't understand how crying, a human thing and human emotion, makes someone weak, its like saying someone eating food makes someone weak, exploit it and steal their food. Tears are fundamental part of my self, and now with my hromonal disbalance I cry at the smalest of things but unfortunetly my tears made my bullies smirk at me and continue, as if they won a nobel prize....for making soneone known as a crybaby, to cry.

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Their job is far too easy and yet they treat it as if its something to be prideful of which doesnt make sense, they dont really win money or anything from ruining my life, most of them looked like they had too much free time on their hands and dint know how to spend it besides hurting others for fun. I also do not understand what makes me sad/angry/offended anymore, I seem even more sensitive now and scream/cry a lot more. I have been told to die a lot and that I was ugly and disgusting and rarely cried and now in the last few years, an internet comment or someone showing me their finger or even telling me I am pretty, which I dont believe is enough to set me into an episode of crying, as if its severe insult, I do not know how to regulate my hormones but i dont want to take hormones since they make you fat and are dangerous, my country isnt known for the best healthcare which is why i dont trust anti depressents either. Americans think its okay to get antidepressents but antidepressents ruined my family, my father took them for 7 years and became completely mentally inadequate and had bad side effects cause of them, they didn't help him at all, and he changed a few even, so its not like he tried it and gave up, they also make you sleepy so he changed doses and still nothing.

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I also hate people who use them since they have the easy life while I am going insane for the past 3 years and feel severe constant pain in my throat and heart and despite doing tests I am healthy, so I know its mental. I feel like I can't move on from my trauma unless I learn what made me such an easy target and how to contorl my emotions/tears, its more of a reflex rather than feeling sad or offended, I just react due to people pushing my buttosn a lot and having to hide my emotions which is very hard for me and i dont seem to do it well if people never stopped bullying me even until my prom. I find it hard to see guys in positive light since only guys bullied me and ganged up on me, I see them as cowards and rapists. I see my trauma very sexually which makes me see sex in negative light and be afraid of it. I also feel helpless and struggle to breathe sometimes just by being reminded of them, how can I cope? I have these hysterical shoutings out of anger and was never able to control my self, but if I stuff it down...I just do it more or become nonverbal, suicidal and depressed, its as if my body is a shell and I don't react to being talked to, so neither expressing them cause I look like I am crazy and people make fun of me and abuse me, neither never expressing them. Meditation, yoga and drawing don't work. I used to draw a lot but now it makes me severely upset. I am not good at sports either to let all of that energy onto something, I am afraid because I feel like unless I cry or scream I can't express them, unfrotunetly no one will tolerate me or cares about me and people just abuse me if I do. I feel like I have to constantly hide in the toilet and breathe slowly or else I scream and cry in pain because I feel like I am dying and am afraid for my life. I dont want to be a part of society if all life is pain and suffering. I haven't felt any pleasure or desire for life or motivation in 10 years, what can I do