I (f20) had a talk with my bf (f21) and I think I fucked up. He moved states and he hasn’t been available much, we rarely talk and so i’ve been feeling further and further away from him, emotionally. I thought I was losing feelings. I told him this doesn’t feel like a relationship anymore and that i’m losing feelings. 

I thought it was the right thing to do but I ended up hurting him. Then I he told me what he felt and he sounded so hurt and sad that I started crying and realized I fucked up, I care for this man. How did all those feelings for him come back that quick, is that normal for people with bpd? Or did I get sad because the fear of abandonment? Or was it just basic empathy? 

I realized I was self sabotaging when we had a talk, i’ve been distancing myself and treating him like a stranger and being selfish, probably impulsive too.  

I thought I was doing good, i’ve been communicating with people more, going to therapy, trying to analyze myself and be less impulsive but I just hurt the person who i’m supposed to take care of and care for. 

We’re still together, I think, none of us have ended it and I don’t want to end it but i’m afraid i’m the toxic one here. I feel so lost.