Okay, so this is weird and major fucked up, but I guess it's time to come out, some of you might have similar experiences. 
The background story is that I've been in love - always unrequited - since I was 12 years old. I develop this fantasy bond with my crushes and talk to them. It mostly involves begging for sex. Very repetitive, almost like chanting. I keep repeating his name and kiss the back of my hand, imagining that I kiss him. I know, it's fucked up. :( It makes me feel shit, but it's also my only refuge. I tend to do it more when I'm under stress. I'm able to escape into this monologue even while having a conversation with someone, minus the kissing of course. I'm scared that sooner or later I'll get found out or I'll start doing this in public without even realising it. I tried mindfulness and meditation, seemed to work for a while, but now I'm back to the same old patterns, only worse, because having a somewhat mindful perspective of it is just causing more anxiety.

TL, DR: I regularly engage in a sort of sexually charged chanting when alone. Afraid I might start doing it in public. Want to understand and stop. 