Hey everyone. First post here and first post on Reddit. I (29m) have been battling demons for over 10 years and it took me this long to fully come to terms that I’m not ok. (TL;DR at the bottom). 

Coming from a world of trust issues (being cheated on multiple times), public safety, and military, I have always done what you should never do, which was bottle up my emotions and refuse to talk about anything. The never ending feeling of emptiness and questioning yourself everyday “why am I still here putting up with this shit?”

I tried meds 10 years ago and they made me feel like a zombie. I quit that cold turkey and just told myself to deal with it. Went to therapy 6 years ago to try and work on myself, but even after talking to people I still felt the way I did. Sure it might have helped in the moment to finally talk about stuff, but it was too strong where I couldn’t stay committed on what I needed to do. If I’m being honest, my wife (who at the time we just started talking) convinced me to go and so I feel like I kinda just did it for her. 

Here we are today with a home and trying to start a family. Finally got a decent job where I felt acknowledged and they actually gave a shit about me. So I tried meds again. It’s been maybe 4 weeks? Not sure if they are helping. They might need to be a higher dosage, but I go back in a couple weeks for a checkup. 

But now I feel like everything is coming full circle and feeling like shit with trust issues. The wife may or may not be having an emotional affair. Maybe even physical. I can’t bring myself to talk about it with her because I don’t want it to be true. I’m also telling myself that I probably deserve it because I haven’t been the best for her. 

Anyways, sorry for the rant. Just wanted to get a voice out there. I don’t know how else to get past these negatives if therapy and drugs aren’t cutting it. Maybe living a life of sadness and emptiness is meant to be since I’m so used to it, it’s become the new normal where I feel most comfortable. 

TL;DR
Been depressed for over 10 years. Tried meds twice and therapy, but no avail so far. Relationship shit is making things worse at the moment.