i don’t know how else to word this, my partner has absolutely not expressed any anger with me so far about this so im talking hypotheticals 

it’s been maybe a month since we had sex and i’ve gently hinted to not being in the mood lately a few times, but i’m so terrified of disappointing them that i feel like if they try to initiate i’ll just give in and have a hard time saying no. they have a very high sex drive, and i do too sometimes, but i don’t think i’ve ever been this sex repulsed during our relationship. i mentioned to them on the phone the other night that i’m feeling sex repulsed and that usually i just try to ignore it so i don’t disappoint my sexual partners, and they said “you don’t have to do that, you know” but i just don’t knowwww. 

on one hand, we’re polyamorous and they hook up/have fwb relationships with other people. so it’s not like they won’t have access to sex at all. but on the other hand it’s just like, i don’t know what i offer them if it’s not sex 🙃 i genuinely can’t think of another reason they like me but they have to to some extent to have asked me to start dating in the first place right? i feel like i’m so ugly and annoying compared to them and i’ve been having a “rough patch” with my bpd/overall mental health for quite a portion of our relationship now. they have to be sick of me, i don’t know what value i have to them if i’m not positive all the time and don’t want sex. again, they haven’t said anything to make me feel this way, they’re very sweet and respectful but it’s how i tend to feel in all of my romantic relationships 

i guess what i’m asking is if it would be rational of them or not if they got mad at me over the sex repulsion over time and/or if anyone relates or has advice. it’s so hard for me to say no and assert myself especially in person, i’m scared i won’t be able to say no and then i’ll get upset and resentful if they try initiating. but i already feel myself entering distancing/self sabotaging mode. but what if i end up sabotaging by not wanting sex and making them like me less??? im so bad at communicating my feelings too, like i know a solution would probably be to talk this out with them but i genuinely don’t think i can bring myself to do it or what i would even say 

i just don’t know what to do and im starting to spiral about it. again, any support helps, thanks in advance :)