When I was like 8 years old, I used to stay up crying getting deeper and deeper into picturing myself dead in a bathtub and my parents opening the door, finding me. Even then, I thought it was an addiction to tears.

I'm 34 now. It's sorta been coming back. I've had thoughts about my family for no reason, but I can handle those. I've had some practice handling those. And now I just got a kitten, the first time I ever take care of a living breathing semi-conscious being; and I can't stop thinking 'I'm not giving him a good enough life, he's so scared, I can just crush his head.' I don't like this at all, my face is visually twisted in disgust and I can't look at him out of shame.

I'm getting over the mild panic attack it caused, or maybe that was the panic attack. Please tell me this is normal. What if I hurt anyone? Like, what if I just snap. I am kinda impulsive, after all. Never life/death, and I legit felt/feel guilty killing bugs (but did it anyway).

But are these kinds of thoughts normal? After I went to college, they lessened, but now it mostly happens when I'm high. Problem is, I'm high all the time. And I'm disabled! I have a TBI after a car crash but was left oddly mentally intact, maybe the weirdness hasn't manifested yet.

You know what, I'm actually gonna search for a psychologist right now, so if I ever do any of this shit sleepwalking or some shit. Does anybody have any recommendations for psychologists in Staten Island?

Looks is this normal at all for people with anxiety? Are there more people that have these kinds of intrusive thoughts and just let these thoughts pass over? Or should I call my family, say goodbye, and turn myself in right now?