 

* So, what are you gonna do now? If I was someone else, I would declare you mentally insane. The only reason I haven’t is because I know you literally don’t have anyone to talk to, so you’ve had to talk to yourself as a substitute or you felt that you would deteriorate worse. But the ‘talking to yourself bit,’ is going overboard. You just imagined an entire argument with someone else, an entire scenario, for what? What’s worse is that your little situation is completely unbeknownst to the other party, they have no hint that you could be upset, and why should they? What the hell is wrong with you? 

I don’t feel any better, I think I find weird ways to cope, ways that definitely aren’t healthy. Maybe I am a borderline psycho. Maybe I have too much time and freedom to think, because she said she left. I assumed it was with her boyfriend. Why does she have so much time with him? She has so much time with him \[assertion\] She really chose to go out with him instead of wait a little for me? How easy of a decision was that? How often does it happen? How many other times has she decided to blow me off for him? How much less of a priority am I compared to him? How do I compare to him? Am I even important to her? Do I matter to her? What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me? 

What if she didn’t leave with him? What if all of this is overthinking? All of this is overthinking, but the possibility that I’m right diminishes how crazy my anxiety and overthinking is, at least for a little. 

When I feel like this, I feel less likely to be devoted to her. Devoted is a strong word and not the right one I’m thinking of. Loyal? Maybe. When I go above and beyond and out of my way for her, it usually feels like no hassle at all. I feel happy to do it , in fact, because I like her so much, so I feel glad to be able to help her. Whenever stuff like this happens, I feel less likely to do that, and more of an idiot for all the times I have gone out of my way for her. Because, I think, every time I do, maybe I do it as a declaration of love? Again, love is a strong word, but it's the closest one that can describe how I feel at the moment. So, how would you feel if your constant ‘declarations of love,’ when unnoticed? It would feel terrible wouldn’t it? It does! It feels absolutely terrible. I lose my appetite, I lose my motivation for school work, and I feel confused about myself, as if one of my core principles or values was just ripped from my chest. 

* Again, I ask, what are you gonna do? 

I don’t know what to do. I think I have two decisions, to keep her in my mind, what that would look like is me keeping inviting her to stuff, and going out of my way for her. Or simply, to make an active effort to forget about her. I fear, however, that whichever I do, she won’t even notice. 

Reading that last part back makes me sound like a guy who's hiding in her bushes! I’m not! I literally talk to her everyday in class and am an actual friend of hers! Which is one of the reasons why I’m so confused and frustrated! Because I’m an actual friend of hers but she turns around and acts like this, it would make any guy confused. 

* What if you’re not the problem, she is? 

If that is the case, I need an indication, any indication, no matter how small. So far, nothing. 

\- What are you going to do. Make a decision. 

If I choose the most beaten path, where will that lead me? I can choose to keep my current path, but I literally don’t know where I stand with her, so I don’t know whether all my efforts are in vain or if they actually make an impact. Does she see me any different from everyone else? Any different whatsoever? 

If both routes are indifferent to her, then it doesn’t  matter which one you take. 

Why am I thinking about this from her point of reference? 

Where do I lie with her? What does she think about me? Would that give me any closure or would I keep stupidly attempting to please her for no reason? 

I am one person. I don’t have any outside input, therefore, I am limited in my advice to my options. If someone else read this, and thought of a simple answer, or considered this situation a classic case of ‘so-and-so,’ then I literally would have no idea. 

God, this is a plea for help. I am on my hands and knees. What should I do? I feel miserable.