 It's been a year and 3 months I've been open about my suicidility because I'm admitted into a psychiatric ward until now.  
I've been diagnosed with severe depression but somehow i have no reason to be depressed if I think about my life, but yet I'm severly depressed.  
I've had more than 20 attempts, all failed attempts and I feel like a loser.

I've made alot of plans to commit suicide and I've almost jumped several times infront of a car, train, tractor,... but my thoughts always went to my family. My small brother and sister would be devestated and my mother, with my mother own words said: I'll follow you, if you commit suicide and you'll ruin this family.

This past week, I've reached my limit, I've made a plan that would succeed if I had time but I've been honest to the nurses, so every 30 minutes nurses keeps visiting my room to check if im still alive.  
My mom is also admitted in the hospital for depression (because of me) and she keeps calling me because she have a bad feeling. SO I HAVE NO FECKING TIME TO COMMIT SUICIDE

I have no reason to die but I really want to die.  
REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO DIE (or land in coma for a year)

My limit is at 110% and I can't wait anymore to die, but everyone is stopping me.

Will this ever stop?