I’m just going to explain a few things. 40/f.
I lost my mom to suicide when I was 25. I found her. 
I’ve always been very hard on myself. Most likely because of how my mom wanted me to be. Lots of yelling growing up. 
I’ve been a very heavy drinker from 20 up until a few months ago. (Bartender of 20 years) 
Started a 2nd very part time job 6 months ago.
Ok. I e been noticing over the past few years that I don’t handle people being mean very well. My heart starts pounding, I shake. I just want to run, hide and cry. I’m finding that I tell myself more and more how much I hate most humans. I tell myself that I want to be someone else, but with my life/ family. I feel like a child. I feel like I’m decades behind most people my age where maturity is concerned. Probably because of bartending.
I was on a medication for a few years, but I didn’t like it, and know I’m restricted due to the suicide.
I was having such a good day today. I thought I’d finally figured my job out. My relief comes in. She sits down and immediately starts asking why something wasn’t done. Said loudly in front of staff and clients that I was just leaving it for her. She’s young. Obviously hung over. I turned bright red, and walked out the door. I’ve been crying ever since.
My husband is supportive, but doesn’t understand. 
I didn’t know what to do, so I joined this sub and started typing.