I hate myself. I really hate myself. My soon to be ex husband and I got in a horrible fight tonight and I just lost it after he mentioned a significant trauma that happened to me in the arguement, against me. 


TRIGGER it is the R word. 


After he mentioned that and said I was the idiot who slept with them again after it and its not really R, I snapped. I lost all inhibitions on trying to not hurt him, and I went all out. Saying if he tried killing himself I wouldnt stop him (which he has said to me too but he denies. Not trying to make excuses. I shouldn't have said it even if he has said it too and I regret it). That no one wants to be with him. No one ever will want him. That he should stop blaming his ex girlfriends as being psychotic and actually look at himself because no one wants a narcissistic ahole like him around. That I am going to make his life a living hell during the divorce. Make sure he gets nothing. That I wish he was just dead. Every name I could think of came spilling out. I couldnt/wouldn't stop. 

I hate myself so much. He knows that triggers me and I should have just walked away but I couldnt. I lost control and now he is angry and hurt and I dont blame him. I really dont. I cannot contain my emotions right now. I just hear his words and my words on repeat and I feel a giant break coming along when I was doing so. Fricking. Good. 

And I dont want to bother my FP at all because i dont want to be a drag, or a cry baby, or seem annoying. But I am losing it. I am trying to do all the things I've done to process my feelings but I am failing that too. 

Why do I have to be like this.