Hey,

I suffered from what seemed like a very severe depression that started in my 15, the reason was that i wanted to become some very notorious physicist, in the league of Richard Feynman and others, and even more. (An incredibly high expectation i know, and i realize very well now that it s the bad approach, passion should be pursued for its own sake) so i ended up being unbelievably perfectionistic and got trapped in a perfectionism paralysis. I would try studying advanced maths and physics, from quantum mechanics, electromagnetism, quantum field theory while judging myself very harshily for not being as smart as i thought i should be. Reading about the likes of Paul Dirac, Feynman, Fermi who were kind of prodigies, enhanced that anxiety of mine. And i would fail everytime at reaching my absurd expectations, but i really didn t have to mental flexibility to compromise my goal so i just kept pushing extremely hard, and as a consequence my mental health really worsened. I stayed that way for 2 years being extremely depressed and suicidal (till 17).. still unable to compromise "my goal" (that seems absurd now in retrospect) so i started denying those perfectionistic strivings, thinking they ll go away that way. But it made me a lot more conflicted with myself, and my depression hasn t lifted. Obviously denying the problem deprived me from any chance of solving it..

So i stayed that way till now, i m 21, i m really numb with a very monotonous life and with no touch with my emotions. I did a 3 months therapy that didnt help.. i guess because the therapist gave me 20 minutes per session. I did also take an SSRI for 5 months to maximum dose but it didnt really help. And now i m on my second antidepressant Escitalopram that i just started taking. 

I should mention that i do not speak about my struggles at all with anyone. Or even when i very rarely do, i don t mention the important elements of my problem. It seems like this trait has something to do with me staying this way for so long..

Any tips or advice ? Thanks!