Life was already pretty stressful. We'd socially distanced from the onset of COVID which was a brutal 14 months on us. Not only did we suffer extended isolation from our social disconnect but we second-guessed ourselves throughout it constantly wondering if we were making a huge mistake. Our two kids, both in grade school, did virtual school and while they performed well we felt social distancing was robbing them of part of their childhoods so we constantly second-guessed that as well. We're small business owners in a very cutthroat, overregulated industry full of unaccountable contacts we must necessarily deal with and we have nobody but ourselves to lean on. We're good at what we do and it pays well enough but our income is based strictly on production and if we have an off month then we have cash flow issues. No bueno. And yes, we second guess that too quite often.

Recently we moved my mom in because of a dementia diagnosis. I could write a novel on my acrimonious history with my mom but who else was going to watch her if I didn't?  To add to the complexity I'm in charge of my dad's affairs while he's residing in assisted living from a stroke so his comfort and dignity is my business now. My mom is still married to him but secretly having a long distance romance with her old high school boyfriend and mostly regards my dad now as a platonic interest. I drive her to visit him at his room and it's always awkward and painful for me to witness her friendly but distant regard for him. She's trying to open me up to welcoming her boyfriend which I can't help but see as a betrayal to my unknowing dad if I did. 

Nearly every day for me is a challenge in controlling stress and anxiety which seems to come from every direction. Some days are better than others. On bad days I feel floaty and surreal, disconnected from things and people, even the ones I love. Something close to what I imagine dissociation must feel like. It's a bizarre sensation that makes me feel very insecure and I have rarely in my life lacked confidence. I meditate, practice gratitude, do breathing exercises but today I lost my shit and went fully isometric dealing with a password authentication issue while logging into a work-related website. Felt like a complete failure at life for losing my composition over a simple password routine, like I'd completely undone whatever benefits I'd accrued with all the mindfulness and meditation. I can't see any of the causes of my stress being alienated any time soon.