This is my first time posting so I'm kind of nervous. I'm a 32 year old single dad. I was diagnosed with BPD late 2019 and I still don't feel like I do a very good job of managing it. The people really close to me can tell, but most would say that I seem like there's nothing "wrong". I'm just the quiet, keep to myself type. 

My FP and I broke up last October, so 7 months ago? We were together since 2016 (with a break from end of 2019 to middle of 2020) and the beginning of our relationship was nothing less than storybook. She was living in California, me in Indiana. She was an Indiana native too, though. We'd been Facebook friends for awhile until one day some film photos she'd posted caught my eye and we sparked up a conversation that really never stopped. That was Dec. 3, 2016. She came home for Christmas and for 3 nights in a row she'd wait until her family was asleep and then drive over to my place where we'd stay up all night together. Before she left for the airport to go back to California Dec 28th, I asked her to marry me. On Jan 4, 2017 I was on a plane from Indiana to California with everything that I could afford to fly with. She was living in a cottage on the property of a family she nannied for and she didn't exactly know how to tell them about our plans, so for 6 solid months we had to sneak me in and out of the cottage whenever we wanted to go do something. Most days we just stayed in that small box wrapped up in each other. I can still smell it. On April 11th 2017 I was helping her sister move when she had told me to hurry home because she had a surprise. The surprise was a couple of pregnancy tests that told us we were going to be parents. We had our daughter in Dec of 2017 and you'd think we would've rallied together but that's when we started to become enemies. The honeymoon turned into a toxic environment quickly once we moved back to Indiana in the summer of 2018. I had no hopes in coming back here and was very vocal about fearing that we'd come back to Indiana and she'd leave me. Maybe I manifested that for myself, I'm not sure, but it ended up happening. The first time in Oct. of 2019. 3 days before we were supposed to renew our lease or move into a new place. It didn't last long, she'd reached out the following April asking if we could sleep together and that quickly turned into us hanging out with our daughter and then each other once our little girl went to bed. We were back together officially by Christmas, but still living separately. I moved back in with the girls in June of 2021. In July of 2021 I lost my job very unexpectedly and I convinced my partner that I needed to drive to LA bc that was where I could monetize my skillset the quickest. I went out there and proceeded to spiral mentally to a point where she felt too triggered by the past and she said she had to end things again. When I found out, I drove back to Indiana and got a house near them so I could at least be close to my daughter. 

That was in early November of 2021 and I've been stuck here ever since. Work is going really well and I've picked up a new hobby that I'm passionate about, but I don't feel like I've been a person for these last 10 months since I packed up and drove away from my FP and my daughter. I took a picture of my FP waving goodbye to me on the porch bc I thought I was going to be able to show her one day how far we'd made it and now I can't stop looking at it questioning how in the hell I didn't have enough sense to turn my car around. 

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Does anyone have any advice for getting over losing an FP? Maybe in particular an FP that you also share a child with. I feel like I could move on if it weren't for us having to interact on an almost daily basis. My biggest fear at this point is that I'm missing out on the greatest years of my little girls life. I'm not nearly as present as I should be whenever she's around and we're now at a point where she doesn't even really like coming to my house — which is a dramatic change from the daddys-girl relationship we used to have. The town I live in is small, around 60k ppl, and I haven't been able to find any DBT options here. 

The resources I've found online for DBT are just far too expensive. Any tips, tricks, rabbit holes, resources, etc. would be greatly appreciated.