Hello.

I barely share my feelings, but here goes..

I love my parents, I love both of them so much. They gave me emotional support in our groupchats and we constantly communicate. But these days, I have a hard time with them currently…. Covid has made it much much worse.

When I was very young, both of them have to leave to go work abroad, so growing up, my grandparents took good care of me. My grandparents always have to constantly remind me and my siblings that the reason my parents are abroad is for the best of us. My mom would call us from abroad and my dad would videocall us. 
I have to hold my head down and be humble, at the same time, I was already experiencing ranges of depressive episodes (not because of them). When I graduated kindergarten, my grandparents were my acting parents in the aisle. I had so much phases in my childhood and in my elementary years as well, and as much as I am thankful to my parents, they weren’t physically there. I graduated elementary, and my grandparents were (once again) my acting parents in the aisle. I finally met both of my parents in when my older sister graduated high school, I was very happy. Fast forward to High School, my grandpa whom I love very much died from cancer,and my grandma followed from organ failures. I had a rollercoaster of a highschool (as most of teenagers do). When it was finally my time to graduate, my other grandma had to be the one to replace my grandparents.


I finally settled to an undergraduate degree in An Asian Country overseas, LOTS of life changes and I constantly have to improve myself each time. I got busy with life and all, and it did not really matter to me even if I am alone in a foreign country. For four years I silently took jobs, sleepless nights over tests, enjoyed my time as a college girl, work tirelessly until the night time but I remained in contact with my parents. There were so many first times for me and I also ventured so much I kept myself busy and distracted. Covid changed everything, I lost my motivation I had financial troubles and I was stressed with job rejections that led to my loss of confidence. I turned from a fit healthy woman to a nearly overweight one who constantly binges. It is my last year and considering what I did, I had to rely on myself again and get back up. I am taking it one step at a time. My parents are still abroad because they had to fund my sister’s medical school and two of my brothers university bill. Just when I am getting prepared for my graduation ceremony, the surge of omicron cancelled it and my professors whom I have been a student for four years could not come even to the office because of it. I just had to go and pick up my degree diploma. It has been an extremely hard year and my times whrre I was the most motivated was because I numbed myself from any feelings. 

I complained about it on my groupchat with my parents and siblings and as much as I just wanted an ear to listen, my sister gave me advice and when I told her that I’m tired, she flat out told me to just eat some pizza then if I didnt want to do it (listen). 

Remember, I was a very private person so I barely shared all of my struggles. I finally EXPLODED, the words pierced through everyone’s soul, I told them my struggles, my deep feelings and it came out like wildfire like a demon. I even said fuck all of them. Even if my mom and my sister apologized to me, I didn’t stop. Reading my messages in the chat again , I was apalled, so much as If I didnt know myself…. But deep down, I was sad and lonely living alone in this country realizing that my parents, so far, have missed three of my graduations… the whole three graduations marked my life changes and transitions. Especially my university where I felt that this is my blood sweat and tears and although I respect them for working so hard for me and my siblings in abroad and having to sacrifice being there for us, I became depressed, even if we communicate through chat and messages, being physically absent almost all of my childhood and adult life, they do not really know me.. They do not know my overseas number and I blocked them in my social medias after I left the groupchat.

Am I even allowed to say this?… am I being ungrateful? I’m tired thinking. I will just sleep and never wake up.