 

What's frustrating is that I'm pretty capable, was always considered smart everywhere i worked, by friends etc, had good ideas that helped people, solved problems. I am sure I'm much more than who i am in life right now, but because of my problem whenever i sit to work on something that will bring me money or some other assets. And the older I'm getting the more it frustrates me that I'm capable but i just can't, i physically can't do it. It takes me tremendous amount of motivation or extreme pressure or outside danger (like going broke next month if I don't do it) to do anything. And if i try to do it without extreme circumstances it takes just few minutes to build up enough frustration to leave the task and go do easy things, games, youtube, food etc.

What's weird is that what I'm trying to work on is not an alien thing to me, i like it, i see how i can add value, make really useful things, for many people in fact. Sometimes I'm amazed how effective that mental block is, it's like my brain doesn't allow me to do things when I'm sitting at the table, but the moment i leave my table and lay down on my bed the block lifts and I'm actually able to do it without accumulating frustration. This very post i couldn't write when i was sitting, but look at that wall of text, because I'm on my bed.

I also had problems sitting at the table at school etc, always fidgeting and sleepy. But i wasn't considered a bad student, because i had enough brains to do what was required last minute. From what i can remember there was a traumatic episode when I changed school because my parents moved a lot. When i was brought to new school and sat at the table with new class and all strangers around me, i had a full blown panic attack and ran out and asked to never come back there. Would that really be the reason? I don't know what to do. I can't work from bed all the time, it gets uncomfortable after some time and you know beds weren't designed to be a workplace.

Sometimes it's getting ridiculous, every now and then i see opportunities to make tens or even hundreds of thousands dollars, but i can't, my brain literally blocks me from it almost as fast as i sit at the table.   


Forgot to add that i have a short window of clear thinking wihout anxiety when i wake up and if something breaks it - it stays for the rest of the day.  
It's hard to reset back, a nap or weed helps (tested recently).

Phew... what a vent...