Hello, this is going to be long so thank you so much if you sit through it all but I'm honestly so nervous I feel like I'm going to throw up!!!

I am currently in a relationship with my fp. Have been for a couple years. At first it was magical, then there were problems with insecurity &amp; jealousy from me and them flirting with other people behind my back\*. That on top of our own mental struggles made it so bad where we got physical on at least two occasions and one of them resulting in me breaking down a door in anger and them smashing my phone till it was shattered. There was gaslighting, manipulation, lying, etc. Obviously a lot of trust issues and abuse so I left. But that didn't last too long. After some time, we reconnected and I was convinced they were changed so we got back together. Things were good. 

Unfortunately last winter, my mental health took a toll for the worse. I had to move back with my parents for treatment in my home state. My fp came with me and we were there for half a year. It was the best. But, we came back to their home state (where we were living before) a month or two ago and we are having trouble adjusting and plan to move back. Although we don't fight as much or as violent as before, I'm unhappy. I was happy for a while but now I'm not, now we're back in reality. In those 6 months, we had no responsibility. I guess another fairytail, cupcake phase. We didn't have rent to pay, we didn't have bills to pay. I love my fp to death, they make me laugh and we share so many interests. But that's just the thing, we're only having happy moments. I'm miserable. I'm tired. Their depression and anxiety has gotten so bad I feel like I'm doing everything by myself. I feel like a partner, a mother, a doctor, a therapist.... They've been feeling really sick recently so I made sure their insurance was still active and made them a doctors appointment (which they missed). They don't wake up until after 5 pm most days and will stay up all night until the early morning and then sleep all day. They struggle with up keeping hygiene but I hesitate from saying anything these days because the last time I would say something about brushing their teeth or showering, they got mad at me and told them I'm making them feel bad about themselves and that their depression is really bad. But, they chipped a tooth couple days ago and they still haven't mad a dentist appointment. I don't mind helping but I feel like they're not making any efforts to get better. They talk about what they want to do in the future but make no efforts towards them. School - they have yet to contact the last one they attended to pay off the bill, apply for scholarships or fafsa, or prepare the required documents they need for a transfer. Work - i paid the security deposit on both of our previous apartments, I don't want to do that this time. I keep telling them we both need to make money but they haven't worked on their resume or applied to any jobs. I would understand if they're not doing working or going to school because they are a person wanting to work in creative but they have not worked on or completed any projects or pieces for a long time. I understand that they don't want to see a psychiatrist or a therapist - you can't force it, not everyone is ready for that and its not for everyone. But I wish they were doing something, anything. I'm frustrated. And I'm still paranoid. A couple weeks ago I saw just a glimpse of their dm's and I saw they were recently messaging someone I didn't know. I haven't been able to get it out of my head, I even did some digging and I can't figure out who this person could be. One day my curiosity got the best of me and I tried to snoop but the internet was being weird so I didn't know if they deleted their convo with them or it just didn't load. I stopped quickly because I didn't want to be caught and I've felt too guilty to check again. 

I feel so alone. We don't go out at all, only to walk the dog or go to the store to get snacks. One time I jokingly said "you owe me a date". They felt sad and asked if I was unsatisfied, I told them no but I did wish they would take me out or spoil me once in a while. They said that planning dates is a lot of pressure and gives them anxiety. I can't remember the last time they took me on a proper date. One that I didn't plan or where we went out and just walked around till we found something to do. Even in bed I feel like I barely get to receive and have to ask any time I want to.

When I'm with them I feel good, fun. When they're asleep, I'm so depressed. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and both bpd and bipolar. I struggle with managing my emotions and I'm sensitive to a lot of things but these days I feel just so beat down. I don't feel like I fixed myself in those 6 months and I still have problems. But, I feel like I cannot go through my emotions around others or it will make things bad. I don't have anyone to go to and I don't have insurance here so I can't see my old therapist. When I talk about my emotions with my fp there are a lot of times where they are gentle with me but there are also times they don't understand or get upset at me which makes me not wanna open up even more.  I push my feelings down more and more everyday. When these feelings come up when we're together, I just go quiet and tell them I'm sick or make up something else. I realized I actually spend a lot of days now imagining scenarios where they fully and explicitly cheat on me and I have reason to leave and imagine what my own life would be like. Or that I'm in an alternate universe and I'm someone else completely. 

It sounds silly but today I had a tarot reading that I booked a month ago. I'm not religious or very spiritual but I thought it would be fun. Instead the person reading my cards told me (without going over every detail, just the main parts I took from it) that I'm going to end up doing this move alone, my relationship was bad for me and I needed to leave if I cared about myself, and that they never stopped going behind my back - they just found a different way to do it. I was shocked because I honestly didn't give her any information. I was shaking and crying by the end of it. Although my brother told me to take it with a grain of salt, I got so riled up from it that I bought a ticket to go back home. I called my best friend and we made a plan and everything. 

Now this is where I'm having doubts. I'm scared. Sitting with them, laying with them. I don't want to leave. The way the look at me, the way the touch me. I don't want to lose them. The way the hold me..... I'm going to miss this too much. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with them. I love them so much. I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I can't imagine a future without them. It's always been us and I want it to be us. 

They thinking I'm just going for a week and coming back. The plan was obviously not to and to break up with them instead (harsh to do it not in person I know but usually when I've tried to leave they will literally stand in front of the door till I change my mind). But now I'm wondering if that's a mistake. 

I'm thinking maybe if we were just in Colorado I would feel good about us again or maybe I could talk to them and we could take a break and then they could follow after a week or two apart. 

I don't know what to do. I have a couple days before the flight and of course the week to make up my mind but I'm so unsure. 

I feel sick...

Note(s):

\*I don't know if I should call it cheating... I could not prove anything physical happened but this happened on multiple occasions. The times being:

(1) early in the relationship and I snooped and caught them texting with an ex-"friend" (read a conversation about them even meeting up to have sex). I confronted my fp about it and they were really regretful of it and told me their friend was drunk and abusive and they struggled to confront the friend and cut them off before because she caused problems in previous relationships, but they would do it this time for the sake of our relationship.

(2) later in the relationship, first place we got together, i joined apps like bumble to try to make friends. we both ended up downloading it and even tinder. snooping i found they start using bumble date behind my back and failing to mention on bumble date/tinder that they had a partner when asking them to go out or straight up flirting. even when i would delete, i found that they would hide the app in certain folders or delete and redownload.

(3) during the first apt stay, we both ended up working the same job. i started a little before them and told them about the coworkers i didnt trust. they ended up getting really close to one of them to the point where i was honestly uncomfortable and insecure. they told me i was being possessive and they were just friends. ended up snooping and saw how flirty they were texting each other (they would use hearts and pet names and she would even send them selfies). when confronted about this they said they were only doing that on purpose because they knew i would snoop and read through it. later we're living in separate apartments but still seeing each other. snooped again and found out that though she left the job, they were still meeting up, sometimes even right after being with me.