So after a recent event which was definitely the worst I've ever seen the BPD push me and what I did during it was disgusting and horrible. It feels at a normal level again (whatever you consider normal I guess is up to you) but for me at least it feels at a manageable level where I'm not gonna freak out too much or do some dumb/horrible shit to people around me or close to me. But it's just hard, I want to show people I can have it under control somewhat, I don't want people to be scared of me and not trust me. I really am trying to be better, it's all I want really. I just want to be better. But I can't predict it and I can't predict what will happen in my life. It's so scary knowing something could ruin my mood and I could just go on a self destructive rampage that effects everyone around me. This is such a curse to live with. It's so hard not to feel like a horrible person when everyone thinks you are