I recently got out of a psych ward cause I stopped taking my meds and series of unfortunate events took place over the course of a few months. They put me back on my meds but my lamictal isn’t at the therapeutic dose cause it’s one of those meds that you have to increase carefully. 

 Anyway, to make a long story short, I started feeling familiarly unbalanced lately. I don’t really feel euphoric when I’m like this, but I do experience a fuck ton of paranoia, anger, obsessiveness, etc.. Like occasionally I’ll be like “fuck you guys I’m right cause I’m seeing all these signs and y’all wouldn’t fucking understand cause you’re not me” or have some sort of “I’m the shit” moment but it doesn’t compare to the other stuff. 

 I’m writing this cause I skipped school to cuddle with a bat with duct tape over my mouth after waking up in the middle of the night and convincing myself there was a man in my house stalking me. I’ve even thought I saw him/signs of him around my apartment. I don’t feel like I’m deep in an episode yet but I can’t fucking do this shit again and it’s hard taking my meds when these feelings still happen even when I’m medicated. I guess my big question is how the fuck do y’all do it? I don’t wanna scare my family, I just want to be me again. I’m struggling with grounding myself enough to feel safe. 

 I hope this all makes sense? I haven’t felt like I make a lot of sense lately.