I don't think I'm the only one out there that sometimes misses anxiety. when you're in it its the worst, you wish your life didn't feel nonexistent. like the rest of your days were spoken for. mind numbingly focused on that word, or that feeling that throws you off for days, weeks, months at a time.  life you never got to live.   


I can't say its over, i still wake up half asleep and in a panic, trying to make sense of why my mind feels cut into 2 arguing hemispheres. For the most part it's quiet now. Depression exists still, but only mildly. And i still have no tolerance for drugs, as they always pushed me further away from myself rather than bring me to some sort of introspective zen. I like control. 

but sometimes i miss it. there were moments when i felt most in-tune with myself. when i would be creative and write songs and felt like i actually accepted my work because they came from a place that truly represented the suffering i felt. They weren't abstract ideas doodled in a notepad for the instantaneous fleeting creativity i have now. everything i do now whether its a creative outlet, life pursuit, professional ambition, feels so half assed. like I am doing it for a purpose that isn't me. and i think that is the dangerous part of anxiety to. just like anything, any category or self identifier, you take on the identity and get lost in it defining you. but i liked some of the things that came out of it. When i was anxious i quit my old job and found a great one, i dated some of the most grounded people i know, i had creativity bursting out of me. Now i days i feel complacent, and it scares me that the worst thing i've ever experienced (for almost a decade) is something i miss, like some hazardous liability of an old friend that you didn't want around, but you know would never bullshit you or lie to you. 

&amp;#x200B;

So I want to asking you, do you ever miss aspects of what your anxiety did for you?   


A follow up to those reading this thinking I am crazy, it gets better, or i wouldn't be writing about it like this. it taught me things about myself and how to prevail through some of the most crippling times of my life when i felt like i had no life at all, but it can be coped into submission.