Background: I, 32/F, have PTSD from an abusive relationship, was raised by narcissistic / BPD parents (hello childhood trauma!) and major depressive disorder. I have made huge strides with 10 years of excellent therapy, self-help, yoga and meditation. I have good days and bad days. More good than bad, but the bad still happens. I have a boyfriend of 1.5 years.

Problem: I do not know how to maintain emotional intimacy with my partner (sharing my thoughts and feelings with him if I'm upset) without pushing him away. He says it is "taxing" to be in my presence when I am in a bad spiral. He is not the first person to tell me this. He has childhood trauma as well, and when I am upset, it makes him feel like he is being his mother's caretaker again, which makes him angry, resentful, and distant.

Our dynamic goes like this:

I say I feel unwell/sad/angry/shameful. He asks what's up and I share details. He listens, and then says nothing. Minutes pass like hours. Sometimes 5 minutes of silence.

He may explain how illogical I am being, or say, "it's ok, it will pass" but it feels distant and dry. I do not see concern on his face, not hear it in his voice. It's like he's mechanically reciting the things people are supposed to say, but he's not really feeling anything for me. He will try to distract me by making fun plans with me, or cooking me something.

I feel alone and unseen; I tell him this, and explain that I wish he would practise active listening (rephrasing my statements back to me) or ask questions (tell me more about ____) or simply tell the truth about not understanding ("I can't imagine what that's like", or "I can relate to ____ but not to ____"). He resents that I am telling him what to do.

These conversations make him progressively irritated and cold until he usually loses his temper and storms out to take a breather, before returning for more silent "support".

He says it is draining to be in my presence in this state, He wishes I would appreciate his style of support (physical presence, passive listening, and distractions.) He has admitted he has "empathy problems" and that this was an issue in past relationships. He has also said that his previous partner's emotional neediness, and his inability to respond, destroyed their relationship.

He usually takes 1-3 days without seeing me or asking me how am doing, after each episode of me being upset about something. (This may happen once every week or two.) It feels like punishment.

I feel that as soon as I am sad / depressed / ptsd triggered, I simply cannot talk to him. There are friends I can talk to when I feel low, who do not get cold and angry. It is possible I am less accusatory and volatile when speaking to them.

I don't think it is healthy to have a longterm, intimate relationship, where my neg emotions cannot be expressed without triggering a fight.

We have openly discussed this problematic dynamic but seem unable to change. I am seeking advice on how to express neg. emotions healthily. I cannot find any resources for mentally ill people protecting their relationship. (All google searches merely yield resources for the partner of mentally ill people.)

Any strategies, insights or resources welcome!