cw: suicidal thoughts, disordered eating

i broke up with my boyfriend on wednesday, so 5 days ago. he made many sexist comments towards me and our values completely do not align and it caused so much conflict, especially with me being overly emotional as it it, and so i know it was the right thing to do. i was good for the first 2 days but now I'm so sad i can barely function. i feel so completely unlovable and angry at myself for ruining a good thing. he was truly so amazing to me it was really just our viewpoints that we could not agree on. he was the one partner I've had that was always willing to try to understand me and my chaotic bpd behaviours even before he knew of my diagnosis.

he ended up reaching out to me friday morning to wish me luck with something i was doing this weekend which triggered me and i haven't been able to stop talking to him since. i don't know how to function without him and its resulted in me being incredibly selfish by keeping him up almost all night when I'm suicidal and by calling him while he's working to tell him how sad i am. the worst part really is that he's still so supportive. he's still willing to be there for me even though we arent dating but i know its just reinforcing my behaviour and I'm scared I'm manipulating him. but i don't want to tell him that or to ask him to stop because emotionally i need this otherwise i will die but logically i feel like a fucking idiot. 

i haven't eaten in days. any moment I'm not around other people i spend crying and often trying to reach out to him. I'm extremely suicidal and i think i need emergency help but I'm too exhausted to go get it. and honestly i think i'd rather just be dead than get help even though i know i need it. at this point its either i get back into my relationship or i kill myself. i don't see any other path to happiness. 

he also seems to be doing so well after our breakup. ik i cant expect him to feel like me because he doesn't experience emotions like people with bpd do. it just devastates me more that im in crisis and he's still going to work and making jokes like nothing happened. 

before we broke up he said to me "how can you ever expect your relationships to be healthy when you act like this?" i think about that all the time. i know even when im in loving relationships my bpd ruins them and makes me unlovable. i know my actions made him feel unloved and no matter how much i apologize to him for that i feel like a monster. i don't think i will ever be loved. whenever i start dating someone they soon realize how fucked up i am and we break up. 

im struggling to see a point in living. i don't know how to cut contact with my ex and i don't know if i want to. i want to be dead and i know i need help. i just dont think i will ever feel better and i dont know what else to do