i’m in my first ever healthy relationship. we’ve been together for 2 years now. not only does he put up with me, but he treats me incredibly well. 

sometimes though, i crave abuse from him. my past relationships were all unhealthy. my partners loved to “dumb me down”, degrade me, gaslight me, and sexualize me. i essentially moulded myself into this submissive, stupid, hyper-sexual pet for these men. 

and i miss it. and i would never admit it to my current boyfriend. but sometimes i want him to scream at me, i want him to slap me across the face and tell me to shut up. sometimes when we’re having sex, i wish he wouldn’t stop even when i asked him to. 

it’s fucked up. i feel so fucked up. it feels like something is missing with him &amp; i, and i can’t help but feel this way. 

does anyone relate to this?