I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

I was friends with two people (my friend and his wife) for a very long time (maybe about 15 years) and without getting into it too much, I did something to the both of them that was very hard for them to get past and they both stopped talking to me. I've privately held out hope that they would contact and even hang out with me again but as the months have wore on, this has seemed like less and less of a possibility. While I know friendships can be fleeting and people can come and go from your life, this has frankly devastated me and I am treating is as a significant loss in my life.

I have done my part to maintain my distance and not upset them further, and by all accounts it looks like they have moved on with their lives. They never really said they weren't going to talk to me anymore, it kind of just happened and I never got any closure.

I've never been good at seeking out friendships or relationships of any kind, and these were two people who kind of just fell into my social circle that I had in high school. I never put any effort into the friendship, and would always wait on them to make plans. Somehow, the friendship was able to persist for many years.

The thing about putting zero effort into your social life is that if you do have friends, you'll hang onto those people even if your gut tells you it's time to move on. This is especially true for me, who grew up pretty lonely and thought I was lucky to have any friends. Red flags came up many times but I swept my own self-respect under the rug, along with the nagging notion that I had outgrown these people. Boundaries were blurred many times, and I saw sides of my friend, his wife and in particular her body that I never should have seen.

I made my own mistakes in the friendship and did things behind their back that I thought I would just get away with, probably out of a lack of respect for the both of them. When I was finally confronted for my behavior, it was a traumatic experience.  I kept reliving the moment and became unable to sleep. My depression and anxiety spiraled out of control and I felt frozen. My emotions were so raw and I wasn't really able to process any of it. I was described by my psych as having signs of PTSD, and increased my dosages of antidepressants. I also started seeing my therapist weekly instead of every other week. 

Months have gone by and a lot has changed in my life. I was promoted at my job and was finally able to move out of my parents house and into a place of my own. In many ways I have a new start, and should have lots reasons to feel happy and more optimistic. This is just not the case. Losing the thing I depended on for pretty much everything (a social life, plans, a sense of self worth, FUN) has been truly devastating to me and I feel at times that I won't ever recover from it. I stay busy and and finding my things I can enjoy, but everything still seems to be colored by this missing piece, and this incalculable sense of loss. I try to remind myself that I'm probably better off without them and that our friendship deserved to die, but another voice keeps telling me I ruined the one good thing in my life, and that nothing will ever be as good again.

I knew that normally, my friends and I would be hanging out this weekend at their pool (drinking, as we did virtually every time we were together). Obviously this didn't happen. Despite pruning my social media to remove any reminder of their friendship, and their faces, I found myself going back to their profiles, torturing myself with images of get-togethers I am no longer part of. This is how I've approached any occasion where I would most likely be reminded of their absence, including my recent birthday. Nothing really seems as important or significant without them here. Their feedback, laughter and approval is gone. 

I know that I need to move on and that this is the only way, but I continue to be haunted every day by my mistakes and how suddenly and mercilessly I was let go from their lives. I know that I am a good person, but I also know there are people out in the world right now who likely think the opposite. They are probably telling others as much. I'm at the point where I really wish I never met them, and that I could do some type of Eternal Sunshine-style brain wipe. In the meantime, I have my family, my job, my caregivers, my pets, a new environment and my very kind new roommates to distract me from the pathetic (to me, at least) fact that I currently have no friends. 

If you've reached this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I am very much trying to heal and writing this out was a big step in that direction.