This all started back around July 2021. I started running in to a girl at a local venue I attend. We have never spoken, but we know of each other. She is very attractive.

I noticed that every time she would walk by me, she would hold flirtatious eye-contact with me. As if to say “hello, notice me!”. She used to do this to me 5/6 years prior when we would see each other in passing. 

I was so oblivious to what was going on that I thought she was attempting to belittle me, or even manipulate me. I couldn’t quite understand what she saw in me so I assumed that she had to be attempting to make a fool of me.

I decided not to entertain it and tried my best to ignore it. Time passes and I noticed her suddenly getting very anxious and nervous every time she would see me. I couldn’t work out why she was suddenly so anxious. First, she was trying to humour me, now she’s suddenly nervous? Then it hit me: She was expressing GENUINE interest. 

I was so angry and upset at myself. This tends to be my usual pattern of behaviour: Pushing people away.

I become so depressed and saddened once I realised my mistake. A month or two passes and things sort of simmer down. She still appeared nervous when she would see me, but it was settling. 

Mid-January 2022 comes around. I’m assuming at this point that she’s completely lost interest. She seems somewhat indifferent to my presence. Doesn’t know my name. Nothing. I post something on social media one night after seeing her - it’s a lighthearted joke - but one that she would understand if she were to see it. I’m assuming she doesn’t know who I am, so I had no direct concern regarding her. The very next day, she goes right back to her nervous behaviour and starts avoiding me. She would even hide her face if she were to see me. Then it occurred to me that she must know my name and avidly checks my social media. There’s several other things that lead to this conclusion — things I won’t state here. 

Once I start to notice this overt nervousness around me, I grow a little concerned. I’m concerned because I’m attracted to her. But she seems over-the-top nervous. At one point, I saw her enter the venue and scan the room for me. Shortly after, she walks by with her head buried in her phone wearing a COVID mask. I couldn’t understand it. We’ve never interacted and I’ve never once bothered her or even looked at her in a negative way. I have an avoidant personality. When I like someone — I avoid them. It took this experience for me to see this behaviour in myself. One that I’m now working on.

A couple of weeks pass and I decide to search for her on social media, follow her and send her a friendly message. I kept the message brief and very friendly: “Hey! My name is.. I was worried that I’ve come across a little rude to you when we’ve seen each other and next time I see you in passing, I’ll say hello!”.

A day passes and I see her back at our venue. She didn’t reply to my message yet but judging by her reaction, she obviously saw it. She walks in, spots me, then RUNS back out?!

I’m so confused at this point. I delete my message, unfollow her and try my best to avoid her for a few weeks. I was so embarrassed by her reaction that I couldn’t face her.

Several weeks pass and we eventually see each other. She is visibly nervous when she sees me but oddly enough, she makes her presence known whenever she sees me. She would stop and stand around me or constantly walk by me before leaving. A few more weeks pass and I notice her again doing the same thing. This time she’s constantly walking by me, laughing and smiling.

I’m so confused and depressed regarding the whole situation. Does she want to interact with me or not?

A few weeks pass and I decide that this isn’t worth my mental-energy. I’m exhausted at this point. I want nothing more than to talk to her and build a rapport with her, but her behaviour is so volatile, it’s impossible.

Mid-March, I switch to a different venue. One she doesn’t attend in a different part of the city. This will create the space that I need to move on. I post a picture or two on social media of the new venue I’m attending. Not as a public post, but as my social media story. To my surprise, she immediately copies what I do, and starts attending a new venue of her own — and starts avidly posting pictures of the place.

I couldn’t believe it. 

The odd thing being that she has still been attending our original venue, yet acting as if she has completely moved. Several days ago - while back at my old venue and assuming she has moved - she walks in, spots me, and quickly RUNS out?!

I’m so confused and depressed by this entire scenario. 

I can’t tell whether I’m to blame, or if her behaviour alone is. It feels as though she’s been copying everything that I do. Even when I would avoid her for several weeks, as soon as I reappear, she will do the exact same thing to me and avoid me for the same length of time.

Now that she has also switched venue, I no longer have the opportunity to talk to her. I feel as though I’ve lost an opportunity and I feel that I’m to blame for how out-of-control it’s become.

I have the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. All of my friends and family are married and/or in relationships. I, on the other hand, am lonely beyond belief.

I feel so empty, void and immensely volatile. I would like to checkout of this life but don’t want to affect those closest to me. I’m trying to battle these thoughts daily. I had a moderately successful business which had also completely plummeted due to my mental health.

I would like to have a conversation with this girl and explain the mistake I made. I can’t tell at this point whether she’s damn near disgusted by my behaviour or would consider talking to me. Ive never experienced something so weird. I’ve known of her for years and she seems so nice — while being aware of idealisation.

I have no idea what to do anymore and nobody to talk to.

Why is my depression triggered SO gravely by these experiences?