Found out yesterday that I probably have melenoma on my scalp. It isn't diagnoses yet, but the splotches look exactly like pictures of melanoma I've found, 1-1. What's more it won't be until the 10th of august that I can even have them looked at by a dermatologist. I don't know when it will be before they can be treated. Relaxing has become very difficult. All of the worst case scenarios are running through my head. I can't help wondering whether it's too late to treat. It's probably less than a year old, but if it's spreading I could be in such big trouble.

I'm thirty three years old. Things were going so well for me. I bought a house this year. I just came out of a ten year long battle with depression that almost cost me my life. I don't want my parents to lose another child to cancer. All I can think about is the suffering that might be ahead of me. Every day that goes by without treatment is another chance for the cancer to enter the blood stream and basically seal my fate. Quite frankly I wanted to play a lot more videogames before I die. I have played an insufficient amount of videogames for me to feel comfortable meeting my maker.

My breathing is shallow, my muscles taught with anxiety. My heart feels like it's stone. But I don't want to spend the next few weeks like this. My brain tells me there's no point in worrying, that I should relax and enjoy myself as normal and just do the best that I can. I'm not even diagnosed yet, after all. Plus lots of people have cancerous or pre-cancerous growths on their body that aren't immediately dangerous, or even dangerous at all.

My head knows this, but all my heart can think about is that I'm dying and it's not going to be in a cool/interesting or funny way like how I hoped I would die. It's going to be painful, tedious, and likely costly to my loved ones. I watched my sister die of cancer. I saw what it can do to a person. She rotted away from the inside. She died in agony. I can't let this happen to me.