I would give anything to fall asleep and never wake up. 

I talk but nobody listens. Nobody has a clue how bad it is and they dont care to know. Mental health services told me to go touch grass and talk to friends. Hard to do when you dont have any, and anyone you try to befriend ghosts you. 17 years of being ghosted now since I became an adult.

10 year relationship ended. Separated for 2.5 years now but I havent moved on or been with anyone since. The few I tried getting back out there with? Yea, ghosted. Told the latest guy I would be happy to stay friends with him and what a shock, ghosted. Every time I try to get what normal people have I fail and my heart breaks all over again.

I dont try anymore.

Father died last year. I was the only child of his to see him in hospital, (One sibling overseas and the other disabled, not their fault.) And that means I was the one to see the state he was in. He could barely talk and couldnt stay awake. I dont know if he heard my goodbye or that I loved him. I still see him in that bed in my nightmares.

Words cant express just how alone I am. No connections. No satisfaction in anything anymore. Id say I'm cold and distant but I dont have anyone to be cold to anymore. The day after I die nobody will ever think of me again.

When I say nobody cares its not melodrama or not seeing people around me that care. Its that literally nobody cares.

I just want to go out and walk into traffic. 

I won't take another possible 50 years of this.