 

I feel like there is something I am missing in this reality. Like, there’s something I just can’t figure out. Recently, I’ve been trying to better myself by incorporating self-love in my daily routine by going easier on myself - meaning avoiding negative self-talk. Telling myself I am worthy and beautiful just the way I am in front of the mirror every day. And I don’t know what to say about the results, I haven’t changed, and my mental state hasn’t changed. 

For a long time now, I’d been struggling to lose weight for about 5 years or more. I still am, and it’s frustrating because I’ve tried everything, from fad diets to calorie restrictions, you name it, I’ve done it. And nothing has changed because I am heavier than I was before, and I hate it. I found out a couple of days ago that I have to learn to accept myself for the way I am before anything else - so that's what I’ve been doing, another reason why I’ve been practicing self-love. But, something still feels off, I’ve been struggling with self-discipline. I’m struggling to stick to a schedule I planned out before the beginning of the week and stop eating when I need to so I just don’t know how to get myself to stick to the things I plan on doing. Whenever I think of exercising or sticking to a plan for a long time to help myself lose weight, It makes me feel like I'm just setting myself up for failure because every attempt I make to try to lose weight, I always end up failing at that because I struggling with sticking to my plans for a long time.  I am also having urges to pleasure myself with porn, and smoke a vape since my parents have one of those in the house that they aren’t using, so it’s extremely tempting to use it. I always tell myself I’m just going to have one puff - but according to what addicts to smoking say, that’s how an addiction usually starts, so I’m doing my best to stay away from it because I don’t want to go down that path since I’m struggling with so much other shit right now. But I won’t be surprised if I end up smoking the vape, many people view vapes and cigarettes as a way to calm down and feel relaxed… and that’s the feeling I need right now… 

Anyways... Life hasn’t been the best… I don’t have any friends I could talk about my feelings to, so I rely on the internet to give me the support I guess I deserve…  any advice would be appreciated, it really would. If you managed to read my post to the very end, I appreciate you for listening. 

Thank you.