haven't been to work in a week, got called out in lab meeting on Friday (obviously, and they were very kind about it, most jobs would have fired me). Can't do anything but sleep, eat, and obsessively stare at my phone

When I think about anything in the real world - especially my late assignments - my chest becomes tight, I can't breathe, I want to throw up, I get stabbing pains in my neck, my stomach cramps

Yesterday I woke up to take my dog out and sat at my desk at 6 am and completed an entire assignment in 80 minutes, then got back in bed and haven't been able to engage with school since. 

I'm freaking out my boyfriend. He mentioned going into the hospital last night (im not suicidal, just incapable of engaging with my life rn). I realized sitting there that I could lose everything: him, grad school, insurance, my first real income, and I would deserve it.  

I keep waiting to get better and I think: just pretend you're fine and fake it, do what you need to do despite your feelings. I can't do it. It feels like the only thing that will end this is when my stupid brain just decides to stop this biological state I'm stuck in. 

I want to muscle through and just brute force this. I'm going to take a shower and brush my teeth and try to work on homework for a 10 minute timer. 

im in so much physical and psychological pain for no fucking reason. I got so lucky in so many ways and im wasting it being a mental wreck. My boss probably regrets recruiting me to his lab. when my boyfriend leaves me he'll think of weeks like this and be relieved he doesn't have to live with this bullshit anymore

I know there has to be ways through this and that other people feel this, please if you have advice I'll take it. even it hurts i have to force myself through this