Long story short I got my ex pregnant when we were both 17. We kept him, I didn’t want to but felt pressured so I went along with it and I became his father. We broke up over dumb shit, she has a new boyfriend and I can barely see my son.

Ever since we broke up I’ve been in the absolute worst depression I’ve ever had. I’ve tried to hang myself multiple times and have been completely alone. I want to get better so bad. For my son and myself. But it’s a battle I’m doubtful I will win.

And the truth that bothers me is that I find it hard to think about my son. I don’t have pictures of him in my phone, I could’ve tried to see him more and I’m still terrified of the responsibility of parenting, especially now that I’m single. I just can’t afford to think of him and I’m not in a good place to look after him right now. I can barely look after myself and I might not get better.

I don’t want to be some piece of shit child abandoner. That’s not who I am. But It’s literally the best for both of us if I don’t see him until and if I get better. And that’s a BIG if. I’m seeking therapy now but so far nothing has changed. After all, the change has to come from me. Which is why I’m so hopeless and doubtful. I don’t have the strength and willpower to get out of this hole.


I don’t know if I’m going to end up dead or not. I feel so horrible and it’s a feeling I can’t shake. This is exactly why I begged my ex not to keep him, I told her I wasn’t ready. It’s not fair that I have to suffer this alone and our son will grow up with either a dead or fucked up father. He will hate me either way.