For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought of myself as a horrible piece of shit with no redeeming attributes whatsoever. 
Its probably because of a childhood where I was never taught how to have a sense of individuality or self esteem. As a kid all I had was what my parents told me. I either followed every instruction they had to a tee or I was an ungrateful pathetic child only worthy of being slapped around. Was never allowed to leave the house or talk to anyone outside of our church (cult) and so I never learned social skills or how to verbalize my thoughts and feelings or how to make friends and DEFINITELY not how to have someone that’s more than just a friend. 
This kind of shit is a prime example of someone who should be in therapy 
But I’m worried these thoughts are just a part of me. 
Because I’ve tried therapy 
I’ve tried talking to people
All they say is “no you’re not a piece of shit, you’re a good person”
And it never sticks
It’s just empty words 
I’m just someone who was never supposed to be around. 
I wish that literally every single thing about me was different. 
My personality, my interests, my hair, my face, my hands, every thing. I wish was the total opposite 
And I’ve always thought that. For 25 years that’s how I’ve thought of myself 
And all fuckers have to say in response is that it gets better
Well no it fucking doesn’t 
All that happens is these thoughts become more and more prevalent 
And more and more people don’t want to be around you. 
And the worst part is? 
I know I could never kill myself. 
I’m too scared to die. 
So all that’s going to happen is I’m just going to be this hollow shell of a fucking person who never gets anywhere in life until I fucking drop dead 

Anyways
Anybody else ever feel this way?