Every waking moment I am sick, I have an aura of darkness surrounding me constantly. Sure, I can ignore it and distract myself with whatever activity, but once I turn inward I always discover the same disease rotting me away.

I have no motivation in college, I’m falling behind drastically. I hate my job, but stay because it pays well. I’ve let myself get distanced from friends I’ve had since kindergarten. I’m in a relationship I’ve lost love for, and I continue to lead on this wonderful girl, who deserves far better, because I don’t have the courage to leave. I’m even falling back into my drug addiction, amphetamine is constantly pumping through my views.

Now on top of all this, for almost 4 years now, I don’t even know what my fucking gender is?! I hate I was born a man, that I can say plainly, but for some reason I continue to stop myself from pursuing a change. Is it the shame I feel? Am I scared of the effort it will take? Is it because I feel like a freak, like a fucking clown?

It kills me, whenever I think about it, that I did not transition years earlier. I just want to present as a convincing woman. I could have done that earlier, but now? 

For the first time in a year, I’ve stopped suppressing all this and had a good conversation with a friend I trust. But why do I feel embarrassed, why do I feel humiliated and degraded? Why do I feel so broken and alone?

This is just a rant I’ll probably end up deleting. I just want a hug. I want to cure this illness, I want to live.