I (18F) have been battling depression and a binge ED since around 7th grade so about 6 years now. I have ups and downs obviously, but I realize that my depression gets really bad when my ED does. When I turn to food for help, to fill a void. I for a while was doing really well. I was healthy, I was training for a bodybuilding competition, in a really healthy relationship, in love, I had lots of friends, and even though the “lots of friends” part  didn’t matter I had a very very close small circle of best friends, happy with myself for once, and wasn’t depressed or stuffing my face every night to feel happy. I can say that for the first time in my life I was genuinely happy. Well I fucked it all up. I made the mistake of getting on birth control thinking that I would be the one case that was different, who wouldn’t gain any weight, and convinced myself that I’d be a part of the 2% of people who lose weight on it. Go figure, I was incorrect. in fact I gained close to 60 pounds. It’s not that I was necessarily unhealthy but I was definitely unhappy. I was probably pushing an unhealthy weight. I don’t know but what I do know is that I refused to get on the scale, and when I went to the gynecologist a year later and finally saw what it had done to me I broke down and decided that that would be the last time I ever took birth control, and that I would suffer through agonizing cramps and endometriosis pain if it meant that I could finally be fucking happy with myself again. Why is this important you ask? My whole point is that my life was finally on track I felt like a real human being for that small period of time that I busted my ass to be the person I wanted to be. My birth control sent my depression to a nose dive. My senior year was absolutely awful I did almost nothing, and was barely involved in school like I normally am. I barely went out because I was so ashamed of how I looked and what I had done to myself that I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed because I was so unhappy. My friends stopped talking to me. That has more to do with the fact that they don’t like certain views that I have and I’m not as political in their favor as they originally thought. It actually really fucking hurt when they cut me off even though it was gradual. But I’ve now realized that I don’t really have any friends at all. My relationship hasn’t changed and I still love him deeply, but he’s literally all I have. No one ever checks in on me, nobody ever asks me to go out, nobody ever wants to hear about my life. I have to do all of that by myself. I have to invite people out. Most of the time they all seem too busy to make time for me. I put on a front that I don’t really give a fuck about anything but the truth is that I’m hurting so badly inside. It is so painful to try so hard to be likable and still feel like you’re never enough for anybody. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Even my two younger sisters I feel like they fucking hate me. I’m the oldest of three. My sisters are 16 and 15. They hang out all the time and despite my best efforts to be nice to them and invite them to do things it’s just like they want nothing to do with me. I just graduated high school and I feel like I should be so happy about that because I had such a hard time keeping up with my grades, but the truth is that I’m terrified because I know that I can’t really fake having friends anymore. Or at least in someway convince myself that there are people who like and care about me. I just want to know what’s wrong with me? Why does nobody care about me the way that I care about them? I have friends at work and stuff but they all have closer friends and none of them check up on me or invite me to things it’s almost like I have to invite myself.  I’m not even a first thought in their mind and then they’ll talk about the plans around me and be like “oh I guess you can go too”. I’m the friend that gets pushed to the side on the grass when there’s three of us walking on the sidewalk. I’m the friend that gets invited last. I’m The friend that gets ignored during group conversations and cut off. I’m the friend that puts their heart and soul into the friendships that I have and get absolutely nothing back. It just really hurts. I’m so lonely and empty inside. I really am trying so hard but life just feels absolutely impossible right now. I’m already in therapy for other things, so that’s out of the question. But I don’t feel like therapy can fix the fact that I’m just such an unlikable person. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Can anyone help me?