I've never been able to believe any of my therapists when they told me I was borderline. I'm convinced I'm a narcissist. My mother was picky about when she decided to love me, it was never unconditional. She humiliated me, mocked me, gaslit me, made fun of my body etc. While also making it seem like I was so unbelievably special for being the prettiest girl around, and of course, being her daughter. 

I was also isolated for about 10 years of my life after being expelled in middle school. No friends, no family, just me and my mom. It was damaging. During that time I heavily relied on myself for company, and I became afraid of other people. This is when my daydreaming started to become addictive. My emotions started to dull. I couldn't feel anything but fear and depression anymore. I was too sad to care about anything else. At this point I was spending all of my time on the internet, and I tried so hard to connect with people but I couldn't. The online relationships I did have where extremely toxic. 

Now that I'm in my mid 20s and I'm somewhat living my life, I can see how dysfunctional I am. Everything is about me. I feel like an infant. I always want people to care about me, to take care of me. I still feel like a scared child and need people to hold my hand. I'm so afraid of losing people that it makes me depressed and suicidal. Me and my best friend, who's also been diagnosed with bpd, have somewhat of a codependent relationship. He's a lot better at managing his illnesses than I am, but we both have our issues. I feel like I can't live without him, and he's expressed to me the same. I only feel secure when we hang out. But also when he doesn't treat me a certain way, I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and I get sad. Sometimes I get angry and resentful.

My relationships have always been like this. It starts out good, I think I found the love of my life because they like all the same things I do, and then all the sudden I don't trust them anymore, I'm worried I'm never going to be good enough, I get depressed thinking about how they'll leave me, and I come to the conclusion that there'sno point because I'll never be good enough. Because of these fears, I'm not sure that I've ever allowed myself to be in love, or if I'm even capable of feeling it. I'm so afraid of losing people and being alone that I can't function. 

At this point I'm not really sure what's going on anymore. I also have body dysmorphia and ocd but I wonder if it's really just narcissism and I'm in denial. I can't ever look at someone and just appreciate them, there's always that thought of "I wish I looked like that", "I wish I could do that", "I'd never be able to do that", and "there's no point in living because I can't do or be that/live normally". It's really exhausting. All of my therapists tell me I don't have NPD but I see how selfish I am. I want to change these parts of me but I notice my thoughts are intrusive. I can recognize that they're there, and I can realize why, but I can't get rid of them. I guess I haven't been around enough people with bpd to know if this is just how it is. I feel really lost. I know people with bpd can have narcissistic traits, but I'm so convinced I'll never be able to live a happy life and I'll continue to hurt people and myself.