I’m exhausted. I’ve been in a constant loop of anxiety for a couple of weeks now. I hate it inside my head, whenever I try to analyse why I think this or why I have this thought I spiral and it makes it a million times worse. A lot of it seems to be favourite person induced. But not all of it. I feel like I’ve been in constant fight or flight mode and my feet haven’t touched the ground once. The only time I sleep is when it’s medicated. I’m trying so hard to “function” I started working a new job, I have my doggo.. etc. But I’m screaming on the inside and feel so much pain. And loneliness. Chronic loneliness. I’m back to daydreaming about suicide without having the guts to do it. But I have a shit ton of droogs coming soon so..? Maybe it’ll give me the push. The drugs aren’t a regular thing, it’s been 3/4 times in my life. I’m so paranoid. About everyone. I can’t switch off what so ever. I stopped listening to music because it felt like the songs were targeted at me or trying to tell me something. I switched to shows but my enjoyment is already wearing ice thin. As soon as I associate a threat or a person I don’t like with something I do like, it’s ruined and I can no longer enjoy it. I feel so insignificant, and the hard part is realistically it’s true. We are all insignificant. I’m going down the there’s no point to anything I’m a buzzkill and a burden to everyone’s life rabbit hole. But last night I actually felt the energy and happiness get sucked out of the room just because I entered. Including my FP. Because I’ve been constantly paranoid and anxious for too long it feels inevitable that either my paranoia will become reality or my paranoia will be the reason we break up. I don’t see and end to this I’m scared and ranting