I absolutely convinced myself that I was gonna die at 20 years old instead of 80 like everyone else. Making me believe that anything past 20 years old is “forbidden”, “not real” or I’m on my way to death at any second. 

Then my imagination fills in the blanks of why I could be here, anything is the limit. It feels like my mind creates a delusion that someone is watching me like a tv screen. It feels like my life is a VR experience instead of my own life because I have a difficult time with a sense of self. I start to believe my vision is a dream or a mirage and my mind finds “patterns” or “connections” of string theory about life and then I dig myself a rabbit hole. Thinking about time, death, and afterlives. I feel extreme mindfulness and feel “self aware” and experience occasional deja vu. This is pretty much a daily thing when I go through my anxiety personality. Intrusive thoughts turn into paranoia. I cycle through intense emotions almost as distinct personalities. Anxiety, depression, anxiety, depression, and sprinkle random bursts anger and joy. I basically feel too real and then burn myself out emotionally. Making me completely numb. Until I build myself up from it. And repeat.