I got asked in therapy last week what I’d do if I had all the time and money in the world. I honestly didn’t have an answer. I have no idea what I’d do. I guess nothing would really change. I guess it’s just kinda a weird realisation to come to that even if I could afford to move away from my shitty family, even if I didn’t have to worry about being able to afford rent or food or didn’t have to go to work, that nothing would really be any better for me. My therapist is convinced if I was living on my own, things would be better. But I’ve lived in my own before, for almost two years and things weren’t better. 

I guess I’m just realising that I don’t think it matters what my external circumstances are, I’m just not really content with being alive at all. If I had all the money in the world, what would I do with it? I can’t think of anything I’d care enough about to spend it on. Guess I’d just give it away but charity doesn’t really do anything for me either. If I had all the time in the world, I’d probably just follow the occasional whim I get to do something like play guitar or watch a movie or make something like I do now, until my interest in doing that thing quickly waned like it always does and I’d be back not knowing what the fuck it is I even want to do, just waiting out each day because I guess I’m just expected to keep existing. 

I’ve heard people say shit like “enjoy the little things” but I don’t. I don’t really know how. I can’t just flip a switch and start enjoying things I really don’t give a fuck about. I’ve also heard the whole “you just haven’t found your thing yet” or “you’ve gotta try new things”, and I have, I basically try any hobby I have even a passing interest in and have been doing that for a while but I just get so bored of everything so quickly. I used think maybe I’d be one of those people who found fulfilment in their work, but I’ve had enough jobs now that I kinda doubt that’s ever gonna be true. Used to think that it was a relationship or something I was waiting for but then I actually started trying to date and realised there’s really no part of human interaction that I actually enjoy all that much. Thought maybe I’d get fulfilment from creative stuff but I don’t ever have the motivation to create anything and when I finally do, I don’t get any satisfaction from it at all and I really have no desire to put it out into the world. 

I just don’t care about anything. Nothing makes me feel happy or excited or really anything at all and I don’t really know how you’re just supposed to wake up every day and just be happy with the fact that you’re just kinda waiting out the clock and honestly dreading the idea of having to do this for potentially another 60+ years.