I'm in so much pain. Every day feels like a struggle. I find it harder to talk to people and do things I used to. I used be able to do everything, but now I'm lucky to even get out of bed. I spend so much time either reading or listening to music. I spend my days wishing I was asleep so I can escape all the pain that comes with being alive. I purposely wish to be things I know are impossible to have, because maybe I can escape and not have to deal with all these problems. I think I have fucked up thoughts, but I'm scared of voice any of them. Some are because of people would think about me, and others are just plain fucked up thoughts (e.g Wishing I had DID because maybe I wouldn't have to feel all this pain and be able to disocciate through it all, or get someone better than me to deal with it. I know, really fucked up of me to think this way about a fucking childhood trauma disorder). I've been purposely been going out of my way to do things that just maybe will stop all this pain. I can't talk about this to anyone as they either would have to send me to a ward (which is bad in my area), causing me to lose the one thing I've enjoyed and been working on for the last 12 months or they simply don't get it. The one person I've talked to doesn't get it at all, thinking it's just hormonal and that getting more meds will fix it. I've always felt like this, it's just at the moment I'm tired. Tired of fighting and always being fake. I can't be myself, as the only things I enjoy depend on it. The funny thing is when I was asked what to do about it, I honestly didn't know. And I still don't. I guess I just want the pain and stress of living to go away. Just to not feel tired, stress and like giving up all the time anymore. I'm not sure why I want to post this, but I can't care enough to make a reason not to. So thanks I guess? For finding a reason to read this, in which I can't even bother anymore with.