i don’t know who i am anymore, i’ve lost my sense of identifying things i like or dislike, my sense of self. i am so obsessed with my ex for literally no reason, we don’t talk, and i still seek his approval on every action i take. every decision or thing i’m doing, place i’m going or opinion im forming, in the back of my head it’s always “what would his opinion on this be” and i subconsciously match my opinions or resulting action to the answer. even things like his music taste. if he wouldn’t do it, or approve of it, i don’t do it. i don’t have any passions, i don’t know what i enjoy, i simply stroll through life just as it comes, filling my days with pointless, useless activities which either consist of things i have to do or things associated with him. im an exact replica of him. i have lost interest in everything, i don’t like my friends, they don’t interest me nor benefit me in any way. however, when i’m with him, i don’t feel a need to find a purpose, it feels as if everything is neutral and i’m content. 

when he does stuff wrong to me, which aren’t necessarily wrong, as he is single - he can technically do what he likes, there is no other word that perfectly describes it quite like ‘betrayal’. it feels as if i am going through all of this - the suffering, changing myself, feeling purposeless and isolating myself - to please someone who isn’t in the same position as me. when we don’t talk, it seems as if i can feel him thinking about me, like the feeling is mutual, however when i find stuff out that slightly goes against this, my perfect version of him in my head completely turns the opposite of whatever it was. previously, when i thought about him, it would create this idealised version of him, but i have discovered this is not reality. at this stage, the perfect image is completely destroyed and replaced with a new, very negative view.