FP left me a couple of months ago, and today I'm really fucking breaking down over it! Since it happened, I've been a complete wreck, I've even developed this irritating anxious eye twitch.

The real kicker is that some days, I will feel like I'm finally making peace with it! I'll be happy, zen and genuinely wish her all the happiness in the world without me in her life. The next day (or even hour) I won't stop thinking about her no matter how hard I try not to.

I've not had tons of panic attacks in life, probably fewer than a lot of other BPD sufferers. But oh boy has that gone out the window lately. When I start thinking about her, all the things I can't say to her about how our relationships ended, how much I'm missing her and just want to talk about her day, all that stuff, I can't BREATHE. I feel exactly the same way I did when we had our final fallout.

My brain takes me back to the emotional state of that exact moment, and I feel exactly the same pain, remorse and desperation I felt in the moments leading up to when she kicked me out. My mind goes back into the exact same state of, '**no no no, please, you're not listening to me! I'm sorry, I said I was sorry, I empathise, I won't do those things again. I'll be good, I'll treat you better! Pleeeease just calm down, I'm on your side; I agree with you, I get it now! I know I don't have to understand...'** 

I can't fucking DO THIS. I can't live with this fucking trauma response. I need some way of coping with it! I've tried thinking about all the things I don't like about her, but it doesn't work. I've tried my usual breathing exercises, going for a walk, distraction techniques. It doesn't work. There's so much I feel I just **NEED** to tell her, but I can't and it's killing me.

I can't get her beautiful fucking face out of my head, I just want to dig it out with a goddamn spoon.

Literally anything anyone can suggest to help me with this would be a Godsend.