I just posted this in /r/aspergers but I am diagnosed BPD so I wanted to see what you all thought. 

I push straight into pain because I don’t react to it normally. Sometimes I jump back at pain, sometimes, mostly in front of coworkers, I’ll absolutely swallow any screams and just keep working stone faced. 

I was pruning all day and my hand was hurting worse and worse, so I kept cutting harder to really make that pain spike in each snip. 

I was literally tearing my tendon, on purpose, little by little, until my wrist is now swollen and I can’t work. 

I have to call out of work tomorrow and go to the doctor because it hurts so bad and I work manual labor. 

My job is the reason for my injury but when my hand was hurting I didn’t stop. I pushed into it. 

I treat my body like my favorite old pair of boots. I used to write poetry and I would say “I have an affinity for broken things.”

I loved the broken in, “tough” looking old work boots, nasty rusted lifted old Chevy trucks, worn out clothes, and more than anything, other broken people. 

These are things you can abuse and it doesn’t matter. 

“Nice” things repulsed me. Maybe it was shame? Fear I would ruin it?

This same deep issue of mine is a problem with the very foundation of how I interact with the world. 

I guess it’s my autism. After getting some therapy and being more “work-functional” (I wasn’t) I told myself I “outgrew” my aspergers. I’m 25 now. 

I’ve grown more on my journey of mental health etc and I realized I do very much prefer “nice” things. Not flashy or brand shit but like, not the most dysfunctional version of everything. 

My injury has had me contemplating all this. I am fundamentally flawed, I push into injury. I work directly towards things that are bad for me in life. 

Can anyone relate? Do you have any thoughts about this or your experience? I’d love to hear.