For about what feels like the 123rd time. I tried to stop myself. I tried so hard not to do it, because I always never mean it and I always come crawling back.

It’s nothing he’s done. He’s been just fine. I’m a toxic person to myself. I hurt him every time I do this.

Childhood trauma takes over. The younger me just always wants to feel safe and is always so scared.

I want to hate myself, or the younger me, for hijacking my life. I kept calling myself a damn fool for ever thinking I could love somebody like this and it not completely drain me, even when having 0 self worth.

It’s just too much to take. There’s too much pressure. There’s too much fear. I love him intensely but I’m too attached for my own good.

Instead of hating the younger me, I acknowledge him. I acknowledge the scared little kid inside. I’m going to be there for you, and we’re going to get through this.

I’m hurting like hell over my best friend (I break his heart every time I pull away), but it really is for the best. Despite it not always being this way, I truly love him for who he is, not for how I felt. I thank God I never openly acted out against him. I just have to protect him from this storm I have inside.

It’s time to walk this journey and find myself. I hope I survive it.