I have bpd and ptsd and I cant afford fucking help or meds. I have no support at all. from anyone. I have a SO but he is practically useless around the house. 

he pulls the common man card of "I'll do any chore you just have to ask me to do it", so like. that's fucking exhausting for me. emotionally laborious. I dont want to have to come home after working a 10 hour shift and ask him to please wash the fucking dishes, or please cook dinner just this one fuckin time, or please do his own fucking laundry semi regularly instead of letting it pile up to the point of me having to live in his filth. and if I do ask, its 50/50: sometimes he will do it but he stops talking to me and slams shit, while simultaneously saying he isnt upset? which absolutely triggers my scumbag dysfunctional brain into thinking I'm going to get beat. and the other times he'll do whatever small task I ask of him and then just like never do it again. like a goldfish, I guess he forgets. actually I know that's not true, he does not forget. he legitimately lacks respect for me, and bets that I will be so exhausted and afraid of being a nag that I'll just do it. he knows it's in my nature to want things tidy. he knows I will fucking do it if he doesnt, because living in squalor actually distresses me and is another handy dandy trigger from childhood. 

that's the same shit that I get at my job. I work at an animal shelter. its tiring and physical manual labor, half of the day outside. nobody updates the food board, where we pull info of what pet is in which kennel and how much to feed it. today, someone asked me to do part of their job for them by cleaning the sick cats, and then literally clocked out and left without telling anyone they didnt administer medication, which was also their assigned duty for the day. everyone else already clocked out. guess who had to stay 30 minutes late. we are supposed to start feeding at 330 and my male coworker literally puts it off til 4, 415, clearly I helped him but. when it's my turn to do it, I start on fucking time so that nobody else has to help me do my job. theres more shit, like daily health logs that nobody fills out, and even more irritating shit like dog food bins not being refilled. why? why?????? at that point, you're being a dick to ANIMALS who are depending on you. and you're taking advantage of me. because you know I wont walk past it and leave it like shit. 

I communicate. I talk and talk. I ask gently. I demand sometimes. but I cant fix other peoples fucking issues. and I hate that, because the only way I know how to not fucking lose my mind every day is to be kind and helpful and stay busy and clean. and all that gets me, is taken advantage of. by everyone. how much can I communicate before it's just a matter of the other person lacking empathy? why are these people everywhere? how can I possibly heal or get ahead when I spend all day digging out a hole that others freely pile dirt into? literally and figuratively 

on my way home today i wanted to hurt myself. i am so full of hurt and rage and despair right now. what's the point???? all day at work I try to keep my best behavior, have a good can do attitude, not let my bpd out. for what? so everyone can say "not my job" all the way down the chain of command, until I am the ONLY one left to do it? at home I put in effort cleaning and doing laundry and whatever only to have someone else come home and throw their dirty clothes on the ground, and piss all over the toilet seat. it's like a losing battle. I'm so overwhelmed now because I got tired from work and didnt want to work another 20-30 hrs at home and now everything is bad, messy, and behind. 

there is no relief and no solution and I just wanted to type this out because the alternative was self harm. i wish i could, i mean i really wish i could. reddit is my only source of support lol. thanks for reading