I finally heard from my FP. And came to know they have moved to another country. I am not completely shocked, but it's still very heart-breaking. Firstly they did not tell me before. It feels like they are only telling me now as an afterthought. Then I never got to say goodbye to them. I doubt I will ever see them again. If only I hadn't fought with them I would have been able to see them one last time. 

On one hand they said not to worry and that we will always be friends. On the other hand they have gone even more far, chasing their dreams. I ought to feel happy for them but all I feel is left-behind and old. Because of my BPD I can't even fight my anxiety to look out for a job. I have no one backing me to chase my dreams. I feel like a loser. 

And how do I get over them? I have been harbouring feelings for them since 2012 and that dream is finally broken. And since we are now "always friends" (why on earth did I chase them to be friends with? I should have taken the opportunity to go zero contact and get over them once and for all), I will have to await the dreaded day when they announce they are getting married. How do I cope with this pain? It's unbearable.