Without explaining the entire story and risking upsetting myself again, today I survived something I never would have survived a few years ago. Like many BPDs I experience severe favourite personing, unfortunately for me my favourite person continues to be my ex who I’m now essentially non-contact with. For the last month or so my obsessions with them have been getting progressively more intense and destructive. My suicidal ideation is at a level I haven’t felt in years as I now feel like I have no form of self validation and struggle to feel love or emotion related to anyone else. 

Tonight I hit breaking point when I got some bad news about a family member and reached out to them. I sobbed, they supported, it was all very nice until it came out they’re now seeing someone else (bearing in mind they have every right to do so). Regardless, my silly little brain just broke. It fucked me up. The one positive I can say is that it took my mind off the family stuff for a short time. I had what I’d consider one of my worst meltdowns I can remember. I cried and cried for hours until I literally gave myself two black eyes from crying. It’s nearly 4am and I haven’t slept a wink, my intrusive thoughts are running absolutely rampant and I’m anxious to a point of physical pain. 

BUT (here’s where things get truly astonishing), I made it without using any of my target behaviours! Even perceived fear of abandonment would have sent me reaching for razors or worse. I can’t believe how badly I’m hurting right now but also I can’t believe I’m managing to feel it without using my target behaviours. I can’t pretend the urges weren’t there, the suicidal thoughts and SH urges feel like they’re crushing me. But I find a little light and hope in the fact that I haven’t made things worse for myself by acting out. 

Here’s hoping that my little borderline brain finds some closure somehow from this and latches itself on to another poor soul close to me. I’ve realised I’m no where near over them, but at least I’m at a point where I know it’s possible to feel a 10/10 level of distress and not COMPLETELY unravel. I would say I’m not far off total breakdown, but at least I’m not in an emergency room. Anyway, if you’re still here, thanks for reading. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this because my other loved ones don’t like me talking to FP. I hope this gave at least someone a little glimmer of hope that maybe one day we’ll be able to feel what we feel without letting it take over and potentially ruin our entire lives. Keep up the good fight guys :)