Ok well it’s safe to say that I am genuinely stupid because I neglected my education in high school. I learned some algebra, but that’s about it. Every other subject taught in high school, I never learned it. I failed myself by letting my social anxiety get in the way of my education, and now I’m suffering the consequences. I would do anything to go back to high school because learning on my own without a teacher/tutor is infinitely harder. I wish I had the hindsight and maturity when I was still in high school to know how my decisions would later bite me in the ass. This is no one else’s fault but my own. I’m honestly so ashamed of how stupid I am, that I sometimes don’t even want to live anymore. This is easily my biggest insecurity and I feel too embarrassed to be alive most days. 

I want to get better but there’s a few things that I think make it difficult for me to learn.

1. I’m always missing the important information (that I was supposed to learn in high school) in order for me to learn a new subject. This is a very dumb analogy but I can’t think of anything better. You have to learn how to crawl before you walk, and then you have to learn to walk before you can run. So basically if I want to learn Z, I have to learn X and Y first. I hope that made any sense.

2. I’m always suffering from brain fog. There isn’t a single day that goes by where I don’t feel a little light headed. Not sure what’s the root cause for it but it’s been going on for a few years now and it’s getting progressively worse. I don’t think it’s right for me to call it this because it’s not diagnosed, but the symptoms are very similar to pseudodementia. I think this might be another reason why I’m having difficulty learning. I also think that I might have had undiagnosed adhd in high school. 

3. I have a defeatist attitude. I’m not sure if I’m just overdramatic at my core, or if this anxiety/depression has gone on long enough. I’ll admit that I give up in my studies quickly whenever I come across something that I don’t understand. Then mope around for hours because I don’t think I will ever get better. Sometimes I think it’s too late, because of everything that I missed while in high school (“I had my chance to learn and I blew it.”). And sometimes I think that I’m too far gone mentally (brain fog), and that it’s too late for me to ever recover. The combination of these two overwhelm me and I get suicidal because of it.

I usually hate sharing this info because even with the anonymity of Reddit. I’m still embarrassed to even talk about this stuff. Is there any value to this post? I was thinking about maybe sharing this with a therapist. It seemed useful at first but now I think it’s a bunch of nonsense. It took me a while to type it, so I might as well post it. I might delete it later.