My ex and I had a nasty breakup when he decided that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship because I was "too sick" (borderline and bipolar). We won't talk for a couple of days and I'll be fine - happy even. But then he'll call or text me "just to check if I'm okay" and rush my off the phone and it sends me off the rails. I'll cry and call him back 15 times and beg him to talk to me. I'll fantasize about hurting myself so he has to feel guilty. And then I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. It's a never ending cycle, but I want him to come back so bad. I want to not be too crazy for someone to love me. How am I supposed to get out of this cycle and make myself feel better? I don't know if it's worth feeling empty or hating myself. I tried retail therapy and maxed out a credit card. This break up is so hard. We've been off and on for 10 years, but it's never been over like this. I don't know how to handle it. I'm in counseling weekly and I see my pdoc monthly, but I can't get out of this rut. Sorry for the wall of text, I guess I just needed to get this off of my chest. I'm too embarrassed to admit all of this to anyone else. 