I hope this helps someone. I know it's long. I'm sorry. Can't be helped.

DBT is great. DBT is wonderful. However, in my mind, DBT has always had the implicit goal of helping borderlines by *keeping other healthy people in the borderline's life*. There's literally a group of skills called Interpersonal Effectiveness. Distress Tolerance skills, to me, seem to teach a borderline how to cope in ways that don't drive other people away. Emotion Regulation skills, to me, seem to teach skills that reduce negative episodes that require Distress Tolerance skills. Mindfulness, to me, is just emotion regulation skills that were borrowed from Eastern practices.

In my opinion, many borderlines would benefit if DBT was augmented by at least three different topics:

1. how to work on your identity disturbance
2. how to tolerate being alone
3. how to *make* new healthy and sustainable friendships (as opposed to just maintaining relationships)

I've commented on several posts on r/BPD running in the same vein of borderlines struggling with their identity disturbance. And people have seemed to appreciate what I had to say. So, I figured I'd make a post with my experience and how I deal with it.

My point-of-view on the matter is wrapped up in two ways:

1. **Don't feel pressured that you have to be able to answer the question "Who am I?"** If somebody walked up to you and asked you the question "Who are they?" about somebody else you knew, you'd likely only reply with their name. If that first person pressed the issue and asked "But who *are* they?" you'd probably be confused and ask them to clarify what information they are trying to get. Anyone who isn't a borderline or an ass-of-an-edgy-philosopher would very likely ask a more concrete question. You seriously are not expected to be able to answer the deep question "Who *are* they?" about somebody else. Likewise, you don't have to feel pressured about being able to answer the question "Who am I?" about yourself - even to yourself.
2. **Try to be content that the "answer" to the question "Who am I?" is very likely going to be a** ***long*** **answer.** To get a sense of why other people aren't bothered by this existential question, think of somebody that you know fairly well. And ask yourself that deep question "Who *are* they?" What probably comes to mind isn't a short sentence, but an entire mental tsunami of everything you know about that person. Their preferences, their quirks, their past, their job, their aspirations, their hobbies, their beliefs, their actions, their relationships, the stories you have about them, the things you like about them. An entire random assortment of various memories that we trivialize in spoken language to just their name and could never express in totality with words. If we were asked the deep question "Who *are* they?" about somebody we knew well, we *couldn't do them justice* with a single sentence. Likewise, we can't do ourselves justice by answering "Who am I?" with a single sentence, even to ourselves. We are a multitude.

I anticipate some objections to that second point. I imagine many people would say

&gt;"I don't even know what my preferences are! I don't know what my beliefs are! I don't know what I like to do! I don't know what I want to do! I don't know what I should be doing!"

And *that's okay*. This post up til now hasn't been concerned with specifics. It has just been trying to get you to see that you don't have to able to answer "Who am I?" in a short, concise way that somehow makes sense to yourself and that you can communicate with certainly to other people. Now we can move on to details.

I think individuals with BPD do have a "self," but we drop it without a second thought to please other people. And I think we forget everything about ourselves when we're wrapped up in other people. And I don't think we expend the mental effort to notice the things that do make us different from others. Much less remember these things in order to be able to recall them later in conversation. Much less remember them in order for us to start building a consistent self-concept to have when we're alone. Very much less value them enough to insist upon them when other people are around.

DBT emphasizes the importance for borderlines to establish boundaries, communicate them to others, and take actions when they are intruded upon. As important as this message is, it's difficult to accomplish these things if you have no sense of who you are. Identity disturbance needs to tackled just as much as interpersonal effectiveness.

I don't know what my interests are. I don't know what I want to do. I don't have career goals. I'm just working at places I'm qualified for and have hired me until I frantically jump ship into the next job that is in some city I think I would like to live in. I don't know what I should be doing beyond getting this BPD thing figured out. *But that's okay*. I will figure them out in time.

There's a quote from *I Hate You, Don't Leave Me* that I found to be extremely hilarious, depressing, but helpful.

&gt;"If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, the borderline's journey through the healing process begins with a single limp."

One goddamn baby step at a time. I will eventually learn to walk like an adult, but in the mean time, I'm gonna learn to walk like a baby and be content doing that.

# Figure out your preferences

Focusing on baby steps, I have learned that I do have preferences. I have learned what my quirks are. I have learned that I do have some values and morals. I do have financial goals that I'm meeting. I even have some interesting stories about myself! The things that make me *me*, are the things that make me unique from other people.

For the longest time, I could only answer questions that had a definite, single, factual answer. Heaven help me if it was an open ended question like "Tell us/me \[a little\] about yourself." "What do you do in your free time?" Holy christ. But you *can* pull out random closed-ended questions to help figure out who you are. Here are some questions to rummage through to help you get started on figuring out what your preferences are:

&gt;What's your favorite holiday?  Is there a band or artist that you listen to? Do you like  specific things to sleep with? Is there an outside temperature that's most comfortable? Is there a favorite season? Do you like any of these more than the others: carpet, tile, laminate, or wood floors? Do you sleep with a  specific sound running in the background? Do you have a favorite cup to drink from? Is there a fast-food restaurant you prefer? Is there a particular TV series you like to watch? Is there an author that you like? Is there a YouTube channel that you like?  Do you have a favorite color? What's your favorite kind of sea animal?  If you go through all the wax scents at the store, which scents do you  like the most? Do you have a favorite food? Do you like your PB&amp;J sandwich in a particular way? How does your family make chili?

If you can't answer any particular question, that's okay. Try to answer some of them. You want more questions? You need different questions? There's a whole freaking book filled with specific and quirky questions - **3000 Questions About Me**:

[https://www.amazon.com/Piccadilly-3000-Questions-About-9781620096888/dp/1620096889](https://www.amazon.com/Piccadilly-3000-Questions-About-9781620096888/dp/1620096889)

Now here's the interesting thing about having answers to these questions. You can ask these exact same questions to other people when you're getting to know them. I have never not met someone who was taken aback by such precise questions. They legitimately feel like you're taking an interest in them. *However, they should ask the same damn question back to you!* If they don't, they don't care. They don't care about *you*. Or they don't have the social competence required to support you in your borderline recovery. Very quick litmus test. Save yourself some trouble and no small amount of heartbreak down the road.

So you got preferences. Now what?

# Figure out your values &amp; morals and act according to them.

This is actually part of some DBT curricula. However, the things I have read seem too open-ended. I don't know about the rest of you, but I need my fucking options limited. Things don't go well when they are open-ended because I just stare around unsure. I think that's how it is for a lot of us. We grasp around at an empty fog in our head. If we do say something, we might very well guess at what the other person wants to hear. So here's something that I found helpful to figure out my values:

[https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths-via](https://www.viacharacter.org/character-strengths-via)

Hit the "Take the Free Survey" up in the top-right corner. It'll ask you to create an account with a name and an email. I think that a lot of things that ask you to do that aren't worth the time, but this one is. And then you take a survey. And then it spits a list of 24 character strengths (which are apparently culturally independent) ordered in which you're strongest in. The top four of mine are: kindness, honesty, judgement/evaluation, and fairness. The bottom four? Perseverance, zest, teamwork, and self-regulation. Sounds about right.

You know what I do with this information? I walk around reciting them. "I am kind." "I am honest." "I am fair." This recital does three things:

1. It guides my behavior. Situations do come up where I feel like behaving against those core things. So many situations. But I know that if I stray away from them that I will feel a ton of shame. Other people will get harmed. And when I follow them, I feel good about myself. I might not like the outcome of behaving in line with those maxims, but I do feel good about myself.
2. When people criticize me or accuse me of acting against those values, I *know* that they are *wrong*. I know that *they* are lashing out *at me*. And I know to separate myself from them. And if they fucking keep it up, I should remove them from my life.
3. It fights the negative self-talk. I don't know what things you repeat in your head, but mine is "What is wrong with me?" And, speaking factually, there seems to be quite a lot. However, continuing to ask that question all the damn time just puts me down. I am kind. I am honest. I am fair. There's nothing wrong with me. I just have BPD. And some other shit.

I hope this helps someone. Take care.