I'm 25 jobless. I'm trying my best to teach myself new things, but every time i hear my parents argue even slightly i completely lose my focus and start to have suicidal thoughts. Especially my fathers voice is making me depressing, he is a complete psycho. We live in 3 room flat and there is nowhere else to sit and study or even work on side because we live in shit hole. The only reason i didn't end it is my younger sister.

They come up with new problems every day. They behave like children. Two narcissistic alcoholics who decided to have 3 children even tho they can't even manage a dog.

Sometimes when they argue i find myself browsing suicidal methods, somehow their voice makes me go into adrenaline induced mode. I'm just so fucking tired. I have enough of this life. I didn't choose to have it this way so why is everyone at the same time judging me as if i want to be sitting at home doing nothing. 

I have no money, no friends, no looks, no passion, no motivation. Honestly at this point the slightest obstacle makes me depressed. I refuse to have it this way for the rest of my life. I'm not going to be living longer than 30s fuck this hell.

Sometimes i think that if my father died I would be free and able to escape this fucking situation. If god exists it seems he loves people like him, he likes to torture me and watch me and  the rest of my family suffer at the hands of this alcoholic idiot. How is he not dead already, 60 yo smoking and drinking whole life all while doing unhealthy physical jobs.