When I was unmedicated I experienced psychosis all the time. Voices would come from every sound I heard. Passing cars, running water. 

Music would speak directly to me &amp; reality had this magical feeling. I would go out late at night following signs. It was terrifying but life also felt rewarding.

In 2018 I was involuntarily hospitalised &amp; put on antipsychotics. The magic went away &amp; although my psychosis was probably destructive I kind of miss it.

Now it manifests in a different form. I get paranoid &amp; anxious around people. I experience more depression. Life feels completely bland &amp; two dimensional. I guess it's a combination of numbness from the medication &amp; apathy from the negative symptoms. Whatever it is I don't like it.

Personally I feel that at least in my psychosis I was productive. I would write &amp; draw all the time, documenting what I was experiencing. I felt like reality was a puzzle and it was my task to figure out what that puzzle was trying to communicate.

Now things just feel pointless. I'm back living at home looking at a 5-8 year wait for housing. I'm unemployed &amp; haven't even been offered an interview for the jobs I applied for. I have a degree in Film/Screenwriting that I'll probably never get to use as I watch my classmates succeed in the industry.

Just venting that life in so called recovery is kind of shit in comparison to when I was out of my mind.