I had a medical assessment and I was reluctant to accept the fact that I have a personality disorder. I found out a day or two ago that I actually have Borderline Personality Disorder specifically, and was diagnosed with it. A lot of problems I have in my life make sense because of this disorder, and I’d like to share an experience or two with you just to get them off of my chest. Big TW in some aspects.


These are all really destructive and kind of violent but as I said they’re to get them off of my chest. I’d never say them to my girlfriend or family or anybody, so saying it here in anonymity when my girlfriend doesn’t have reddit and nor do my family is best :p


I have been with my girlfriend for a considerable amount of time, and now I have what I’d previously call separation anxiety. Whenever she goes to her grandparents, or is away from me and my company for more than a day, I threaten to hurt myself excessively as well as threaten suicide, and that I feel like she just doesn’t give a shit about me and my mental health, as far as reverting to “just fucking go. I don’t care. Just fucking go and enjoy yourself”, this usually happens over text and not verbally. 

The same goes for social events, if she wants to go to a party I really won’t let her. She has cheated on me in the past (I know this might not be a good relationship to be in because of this) and I am scared of it happening again. She has told me she basically goes for anybody who gives her attention. I’m scared of her going to parties and I yell at her and threaten to hurt myself until she agrees not to go, or I have to go with her. 

I go almost everywhere with her, even if she has work. I will go to the area where she works and linger around, usually in other stores and periodically flick back to where she works to just browse to make sure she isn’t being hit on or she isn’t flirting with coworkers (of any gender).

Sometimes people with disabilities will show interest in her as a subject as opposed to a sexual interest and I get insanely jealous/defensive/blunt with her, and just barely acknowledge her, then I get scared of these individuals as I think they want to hurt me because they know I’m her boyfriend even though there’s no hint to us being together at all. 


I’ve found I idealize people to a creepy extent as well (I have apologized to the two most recent people this has happened to, and promised to take big steps to improve myself- which is already happening and I can see it). I’ve gone as far as using their names/nicknames, their website layouts, their characters and art style, listening to the music they like (but not if I don’t truly like it), mimicking their blog posts, buying clothes similar to theirs, trying to lose weight to be a similar weight etc.

It’s caused them distress one of which has BPD as well and it’s given them severe issues from it, so I started to take this seriously and try to cut it out. If I go to their websites and there’s something I want to copy I think ‘no, this isn’t ok. I wouldn’t write/draw/whatever this’ and then I manage to not do it. 

They’ve made call out posts for me and their entire group of friends hate me and I’ve copied only the art styles/characters from their friends here and there. I remember doing this all my life as I did the same thing when I was 8-14 on different websites, where I would use usernames/characters/art/text and use it as my own, I stopped during 14-17 then picked it up again recently. I used to catfish a lot and talk to people not using my face or name, but I think this is mostly explained by something else (that I don’t want to discuss), though does tie-in with idealization, I suppose. 

I then go on to hate these people, thinking they’re disgusting and up themselves and I will check their blog constantly to see if they’ve been hurt/been happy recently and when they’ve been hurt I feel good, and if they’re happy I feel bad and that I want to be happy too, but I can’t. 

Because of this entire issue I don’t know who I am at all and my entire personality is just a mish-mash of everybody I’ve idealized in the past. I’ve sort of found myself and I don’t like that person at all because they’re cold and uncaring but happy and bubbly and none of it makes sense to me. 


I get irrationally angry and lash out at my girlfriend a lot, for no reason, but I’ve never hit her or anything (accept for one time, but that was a fluke accident in which I was too angry to control, and she was antagonizing me by doing something I couldn’t understand which stressed me out more). I get really randomly bitter about random things and sometimes I associate it with a memory and sometimes it just happens. Same goes for anxiety. 

I’ve noticed I’m never just annoyed or just nervous or just sad, let alone just happy or just excited. I’m always angry, anxious, depressed, full of joy, and giddy respectively (the latter being when I manage to actually show excitement, haha), never in between, never a minor emotion, though sometimes I just don’t feel anything at all and will do something destructive like hurting myself/another person to feel something. 


These next things are things I do that I don’t know if they are characteristic of the disorder or if they’re just me- so feel free to give input.


I fiddle with my hands a lot, I’ll wring them when I don’t know what to do with them- not triggered by anxiety. I’ll also clench and unclench my hands a lot, I also have to keep my hands close to my body. I can’t hold something a ways away from my body without slowly pulling it towards me eventually. It will always drift closer to me. 

I like to clean. A lot. But only at night. In the morning/afternoon I can never be bothered to do anything. I can’t even get out of bed sometimes, but at night I’m ready to go. I’m ready to clean the whole house, heck I’ll clean the entire apartment block and the entire street if I have to. I’m ready. My rates are £5 an hour. I can be really quiet too. I’m also good with kids. Another condition gives me insomnia, so I can just stay up all night and organize my desk over and over or organize my files on my laptop or re-order my video games into alphabetical, age, genre, etc. 

I’m so entirely anti-porn. I think it’s disgusting as hell and it’s all too fake and too glorified and I yell at others for watching it. Then I watch it. And it’s my favourite thing ever and I could watch it for hours. I’m trapped in porn hell. 

I’m really open to sharing stories of myself, if you hadn’t guessed. I used to tell everybody all of my personal intimacies, but then I just figured nobody actually cares so I stopped doing this. I now only talk about things that matter, if we disregard this post. 

When I can’t get to sleep I kick and fidget violently and hit the walls and get insanely angry and I’ll writhe and bite myself/scratch myself/go to the toilet and cut myself. Occasionally I catch myself and just get up and play a video game or something ‘til I feel tired (usually an hour or two). 

I think I’m abusive/manipulative/horrible/controlling all the while I think I’m not (I get told I am now and then) and I get stuck in a fuss about it. I don’t think I’m abusive then I’ll say something like “Don’t do that thing” then suddenly I’m abusive and controlling the person it’s aimed at. Everybody but the person I’m apparently controlling has said I’m controlling though, even though I’ve told her if I am just tell me so I can hurry up to try and change it. Nada. Out of my symptoms that she knows I can’t manage right now, she knows I’m not purposefully trying to hurt her in anyway. Ironically it’s her Narcissistic mother who controls her and her enabler friends and family that said I’m abusive for the most part. Nobody else sees it in me. 

I sit and stare a lot. Mainly when I have nothing to do. I’ll sit and stare at a point and not move for a long, long time. Sometimes blinking a lot sometimes never blinking. I also find a lot I’ll do something then two minutes later cannot remember a single thing about what I was doing or how I did it or what anybody else was doing and I think that’s possibly a dissociative amnesia?


Eh that’s all I’ve got/can think of. I’m getting a little bored of typing. But feel free to give input, I just felt like venting a little bit and sharing how I feel.
