This is the first time I've ever posted something I just need to get this off my chest

 I was doing cycling can help but they Stopped working so they are a Point you see that this is not going to help anything more but you don't know what you can Do so you Continue until it doesn't do anything So you feel more empty the longer time goes by And it made it harder to trust people And the reason why I got so depressed this because of what my oldest friend did because there is a person I have known for 14 years And he broke trust and made it impossible to trust other people And I trusted him more than I even trusted myself, so I can't trust myself either And it kills me to have him as a friend But it kills me to not have him as my friend It's been close to 2 years at this point I'm still not fine I'm no longer the person I was before He's gone and I'm all that's left A husk of my former self And a part of me wants to hate him But I can't hate him Because I can't hate a friend The first one and half months  I would bike 12 hours a day every day Because I couldn't take it The only thing I want is happiness Being able to be myself without being scared what people will think Not being forced to put up a facade And it showed me And I couldn't even express how I felt Because you would only get angry So I'm only gone deeper and deeper into my shall He broke me I still haven't been able to reassemble myself And I'm too scared to ask for help And I've realised that the only thing I will get is aggression I am also tired and putting up a facade Have taken to act around them like I'm fine Even though I am not Because it makes it easier for them And it's better for it to happen all of a sudden Then have them worry about me I know that I can never forgive them And I know I can't just walk away Because I've known him since the first grade And I feel guilty for trying to get into a relationship Because it's unfair that I can't handle my own Problems So I have to look for somebody else to help me Because it isn't ok to get into a relationship with so much baggage But I feel I should be able to handle my own problems but I can't And it hasn't been the easiest through the years And a lot of stuff that happened to me that shouldn't have happened I just can't forget Can't really move on And it's always there Anytime there's silence Anytime I work alone It's f haunts me Every second And I can't sleep well Haven't been able for 5 years Constant nightmares I barely sleep Life feels like s\*\*\* Nothing feels right Everything just makes me feel worse And the only thing I want this to end it to make the pain stop But I haven't yet I don't know why But I haven't I wish I could go back to when I was 16 I was actually happy then I was content To a certain extent how my life was I have a problem with cleaning on to the past The only thing time showed me is the longer time ghost the worse it gets Getting old scares me I'm only 19 and I already feel old And I've always found it hard to talk with people Even casual conversation And when I became friends with this person And by trusting him I could trust other people around him Because I trusted him so much So when he broke the trust you broke my ability to trust other people And I always get so scared when having to be around my friends Because I'm scared they only see me as a burden I can't cry Because I'm scared of what I will think of myself Because I can't stop judging myself when I do So I keep it pent up until I break Until I can't take anymore And until I have a complete mental breakdown And I'm still too scared to ask for help Maybe that's why I'm writing all of this Maybe this away for me to try to vent Without people knowing who I am Maybe if somebody or something to help God I wish I had the ability to say this to my friends To make them realise how bad everything has gotten And for them not to get aggressive But I can't If I did I will only get screamed out again Even people that weren't involved I can't trust    And thank you to anyone who would bother to listen to this Even I don't expect anyone to care But thank you if anyone listened