This meltdown has been coming on for some time now, and yesterday my feelings just boiled over. There were just so many small things that added up: therapy stuff, sleeping at my job alone the whole weekend (I work at a hotel, morning shift), boyfriend had people over at our home while I was gone, my exFP who is my boyfriends best friend came over and now the sofa smells like him and it drives me crazy and so on... 

So yesterday during work I just kept sighing the whole time, constantly had a lump in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes, my energy level was so low I could have fallen asleep while standing and then I got home. I had this pressure on my chest and thought alcohol would help. I wasn't interested in the shows I was watching, but had to have noise around me. Then I listened to music instead and a certain song came on and the floodgates just opened...

My boyfriend was in the other room, so I finally took the chance and cut myself, something I had been thinking about for like 6 months now. I felt better immediately and continued a bit. But my head was getting foggy and I kind of lost control of myself. 

Then my boyfriend said that he was going to sleep and I panicked, showed him my arm and fell on the floor sobbing. He held me while I just cried and said "I don't want to do this anymore!".. And then I abruptly picked myself up and went out for a smoke, where he followed me, as he probably didn't trust me being on the balcony alone. And then I just kind of felt better? Felt a bit like myself again? 

But I still have this pain in my chest and foggy feeling, and I can't bring myself back. I'm kind of mad at myself for relapsing, but I also don't regret it. I think this just had to happen, or it would have happened in some other way and that thought scares me more.