If I cared just a bit about myself more than others I would have had the guts to kill myself already.


Reasons I’m not killing myself today:
-my brother, who has been depressed for almost two decades, would def kill himself 
-my sister is being blackmailed by her friends’ wife and needs my help 
-my best friend is in an abusive relationship and I’m supposed to help her move next week
-my other friend is on the verge of homelessness so she is gonna stay with me till the rest of the month, she is coming next week as well
-another friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic and I’m part of his support system and I would not want to trigger his alcoholism with that much grief
-my niece and my nephews could develop trauma due to my suicide because we are very close and I can’t EVER do that to them
-I promised 3 people I wouldn’t hurt myself




Where am I in all of this?  I used to have dreams and now I laugh when I think about those dreams. Become a lawyer? Working so hard in school all those years and then college I really thought that was going to be my key to “making it out” but now, I laugh bc I don’t even want to make it out anymore. I did so much work so I could get into law school. For what? Who is gonna be there for me while I try not to kill myself and simultaneously continue being there for everyone? Depressed, traumatized, terrified, hyper-vigilant, anxious, a heart condition, and endless diagnoses and medications and even surgery and an abortion and by my side I only had my ex-partner who is not even with me anymore.. 


It’s been so long since I have been able to hug someone and just cry. I just want someone to hug me. I want someone to hug me and let me cry without me being conscious of it and feeling guilty that I’m crying in front of them. I want to set down the glass. I want to lean on someone. I can’t continue being strong. I don’t want to. It’s not fucking worth it. 


I have put others above myself because of my trauma, because when you have to hold it together when you are 6 years old and your grandfather is raping you and continues to for 3 years but you can’t tell your mom because she was his princess just like you yourself were once your dad’s but then 13 years later a man breaks into your very first apartment 3 days after you move in and threatens to do the same thing your grandfather did and even though you protect yourself in that instance it triggers your childhood trauma so finally after all these years you tell your parents because your therapist and your siblings think it would help but your father yells at you and tells you even if it happened to never talk about it or tell your mom and when your mom tells you if you don’t tell her who did it then it never happened and then they later hold you hostage and take your passport away in a country you don’t want to be in and leave you to decay away in a room for almost a year and you finally make it out and then you supposedly get back your life but you get sick, you can’t process your trauma nor mask it anymore, YEARS of therapy &amp; medicine, even drugs alcohol love all the things that people think could somehow make them forget or live with their trauma when none of it works after years of trying .. is suicide not the only answer? When existing is a burden you can’t bear anymore why isn’t suicide seen as mercy? Why is it selfish? It’s selfish on the part of those who want you to continue to suffer while offering no support whatsoever but demanding you be there for them despite you being a living corpse?


WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? 


I have no more strength in me I can’t. I absolutely don’t want to be strong anymore. And mostly? I just want to be with my unborn child.