I'm 16 years old boy suffering from anxiety for 2 years. I was never this bad mentally until my mother got hospitalized for one day. She had a tachycardia in a morning. She went to ER and they just gave her benzodiazepine and let her go. Hopefully my aunt didn't let her come back to home and she went to private hospital. And they immediately hospitalized her and put her on 4 drips. Turned out she has arrhythmia also atherosclerosis. While these are happening I was waiting at home because we had an argument with her days before and she was still mad. My grandfather called me. He said: Your mother having a heart attack (she didn't) what have you guys(me and my sister) done to her? I asked him some questions while I was shocked and he continued to judge me so I hung up on his face. Tried to find my keys and I couldn't, went outside and started to run with my pyjamas while trying to understand what's happening. Then my aunt called. She nearly said the same thing except the heart attack thing because she also know it wasn't the case and after that she judged me to forgetting the keys. I also hung up on her face. I ran/walked for like 3 km's while having a panic attack and reached to hospital. I was completely emotionless until I saw her ok. I cried like a baby after I saw her. That day eventually passed. Of course my anxiety came back after that. Now the possibilities are freaking me out. Her tests are still undone but I cannot stop thinking about what if she dies? I love her, I'm definitely not ready to lose her and she is the only human being I feel relaxed when I'm around her. I can't live with my father. She was at my aunt for 1 month to speed up the test process and my father stayed with us because she didn't wanted let us stay alone. And this one month proved that I can't live with him. Also I'm sure he won't take care of us so I need to make money. While making money I have to study since my grades downed so bad (my anxiety started 1 month before I start to highschool). If something happens to her I don't know can I still go forward. I'm exhausted and I can't enjoy anything anymore. Sometimes suicide feels like an option which I never considered it before. Everything that I can't write + those things makes me feel completely hopeless. I don't wanna go to psychiatrist once again. And I'm so exhausted and sleepy I don't know how should I end my text or what was the point I write it.