I sit in bed and think about this basically everyday now. 
I mean, I have my parents which I guess is lucky since some people don’t have that, but it’s different when the person meets you as a total stranger and falls for every part of you. It’s different when it’s a new friend that you notice you have so much in common with that it makes you giddy. It’s different when the person doesn’t feel obligated to love you or care for you, yet they do anyway. 

My friends have been hanging out without me despite multiple attempts to let them know I’d be interested in hanging out. They don’t talk to me anymore unless I reach out first; the last time any of them reached out and put their energy into conversation was over a month ago. They just went on a 2-day trip, all of them, but never told me about it, and it looks like they have plenty of fun without me. We used to be so close, yet I bet I ruined it as always. 

The last girl I had feelings for found someone else just two weeks after I told her I’d like to “take things slow”. She wasn’t willing to wait I guess, and now she’s happily partnered. 

Love is a sham. Friendship is a sham. I don’t know what more I have to do to please these people. I give gifts, I listen, I do this and that, yet I only got out three times this entire summer and had to spend most of it in the house or working at my overnight job while my “friends” and people I admired were off bonding with their loved ones and making memories. 

I have multiple dating apps and have tried as hard as I can (as a shy, more introverted person) to meet new people for the past year. Yet here I am, my final year in uni with no significant new friends and zero dating experience. I feel hollow most of the time. Empty, trying to mask my feelings the best I can, through humor and casual conversation. Now, I try to keep conversations with strangers short as to not waste their time. 

I feel like, just as “everything happens for a reason”, I guess some people are just meant to be outcast. Some people are meant to be lonely. I don’t know what about me there is that makes me so inadequate, but obviously it’s gotta be something that is wrong with me as the pattern continues. I feel as though this might be where I slowly taper off. I’ll slowly stop being active on social media; make it seem like everything is fine before I disappear completely. I’m thinking if this loneliness doesn’t improve then I might just call it quits next year when I’m out of school. 

I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore except just do my own thing and forget about forging relationships, as I’m obviously not meant for them. I’m just so tired of being played with. Whatever.