more context: we both have BPD, she was extremely toxic and abusive to me and as much as i do try to see where i went wrong in the relationship i genuinely don't see it. the worst i did was when i went off on her in a paragraph after we broke about how she treated me, and in return her and her friends, and mine at the time, all victim blamed me, said i was the problem and called me a "pathetic school shooter", a few homophobic slurs (they know im bi and enby) and one of them even told me to "cut deeper". the craziest thing about all of this is how different my exes personality was, (saying things like this, bragging about being toxic/cheating) compared to when we first started dating. 
i was able to get over them for a few months as i thought me and my current friendgroup had all cut them off, but suddenly they came back into my new friendgroup and they're all acting cool with them, even setting their social media avatars to my ex's art (i feel like this also reminded me of her and she quickly became my FP again) i dont wanna call them out or confront them because i feel like its toxic for me to control who they all hang out with and support. and they're all aware of what they did to me. one of my friends told me that one of my ex-friends bragged to him about hooking up with my ex "f*cking her thighs", and told me i "need to get over them its been almost a year and its fucking annoying all of us, its just petty relationship drama none of us care"
idfk i just dont understand any of them, let alone myself, or anything thats going on. i just dont get it like how can these people have my back and then turn on me like this. and i know that even if i never confronted them they'd still turn on me, because my ex was already talking shit and calling me a weak pussy n shit beforehand.
i feel like i dont belong anywhere like im just a doormat to be ridiculed and scapegoated i can never find where i fit in. like no matter where i try to go to fit in i'll always be secretly disliked and just kept around as the punching bag, and i try to look at it from a different perspective like im not a victim and actually im the problem, but i deadass cant find anything wrong i did. 

also MORE context everyone i hang around are equally mentally ill artists and musicians so maybe thats part of it idfk. fuck everything i wish i could just not have feeling or emotion like everyone i'm around