Hey 

I need help getting to the bottom of this, I am going to talk facts about my life &amp; I need your opinion. My new psychologist advised on the first assessment, that I get another appointment with a psychiatrist, that would be more in depth.

I have struggled my whole life with depression, anxiety, identity crisis and an intense fear of abandonment. I always though there was something wrong with me, so when I self-diagnosed with a chronic myeloid leukaemia - &amp; that I truly got diagnosed by doctors, I told myself “ah that’s what was wrong with me”. Little did I know, the tornado just started.

When I was young, my father used to beat up my mum &amp; siblings, I had an imaginary friend called Kelly. I’m Pisces, in an African family. The way I’m wired, I told myself that I have abilities to see things people can’t, &amp; that Kelly was probably a ghost. 
I also used to have night terrors, and I recall after my parents separated to see four shadow men at night just preying on me, that made me think I was taunted by evil spirits or I could sense things.
At the age of 8, I had an out of body experience, I looked at myself in the mirror &amp; realised I existed. I don’t know what happened before, but I always told myself I experienced something magic, linked to my abilities without putting much more thought to it.
Around that age, my dad wasn’t in my life regularly, but I had a stepdad at home &amp; a loving dysfunctional family. I also had the feeling nobody loved me, that I didn’t have a place in the world, or at home &amp; I wrote letters expressing my pain.
Now skipping to teenage years, I was bullied at 14 by my two best friends who used racist slurs. It really scarred my self image, and ever since I put up a confident front whilst aching inside. I can feel my pain in my head everyday.

My family didn’t address the issue on an emotional level, they refused to change me class, they refused to change me school, they refused to admit online bullying was a thing.
I started being depressed, wanting to kill myself without really doing it. I interned in a pharmacy where I stole paracetamol 1000mg, and would swallow them to make myself sick. I didn’t want to run my school marathon, so I asked my sister to kick my leg, which dislocated. I put it back myself, and it hurt, but til this day everybody says I made it up &amp; now I don’t know.
I impersonated a girl that I admired, who was in my school, stole her pictures and pretended I was her on a doll game. 

Eventually the bullying stopped, my bully was bullied which reinforced my belief of karma.
I’m gonna skip some more, my mum moved me to England (from France), I deleted everybody I ever knew from France, I went into a deep depression, I wouldn’t engage with anyone and be in my room in the dark all day. I hated my mum for it. I started tweeting and living my life in France precariously through twitter. It helped me cope.

 I found my first bf on twitwi, we would meet every holidays, it lasted for less than 2 years, he cheated three times &amp; I stayed, I thought it wasn’t his fault if he loved someone else. I went back so many times &amp; each time he felt powerful. I became bitter, I lost my taste in life. We broke up, he didn’t want me and went out with the girl he cheated. He said something that I’ll always remember, that he felt like I was his mum, when I forgave him after he cheated a second time. He didn’t want to kiss me in public, after we were verbally assaulted by a group of people who didn’t get why a black girl and a white guy were going out together. Anyway, I moved to France where he was, he took my virginity &amp; before he did I told him, “you’re not going to fuck me and leave me in two months” he said “no”, he broke up with me on NYE.
I became frantic, I harassed him for closure, I stalked and broke into his facebook account like 6 months after to read his messages with his new girlfriend. I was satisfied to see that she was abusive to him. The obsession lasted for two years at the very least, where I felt unloved, unwanted, uncared for, alone etc.

I created myself this whole other personality where I’d call myself Naomi &amp; be a total bitch to boys, or online, I’d troll people and look for trouble.

After being bullied a second time, accused of theft etc, I moved back to my mum’s house. 
In the period I was bullied again, I thought they would talk about me and would eaves drop in, or leave my phone on the microphone when I would leave the room.

I again, blocked and deleted everyone I met that year and went on with life. 

Every time building more and more walls.

I moved out of my mum’s house in my second year of college, at 20, I started smoking weed with friends, that whole summer I kept passing out.
I worked as a support worker in a mental health clinic, it was hard for my mental. 
I started smoking on my own, I m 24 now and I still do til this day. 
In that house, I had a roommate whom I loved, but sometimes when she’d come back from work instead of chilling with her like I usually do, I would anticipate her arrival from work, shut my blinds, turn off my lights and I’d let her bang at my door without answering. I could do that, because it would happen that I was so fatigued, and deep into sleep that I would really not hear her knock at my door. Anyway, that year I smoked loads, I had sex with so many guys and could only hold a bf for two months. He dumped me on my hospital bed lol.
So I became ill when the second year started (internal infections, night sweats, fatigue, bone pain, generally unwell, fevers etc) 
Nobody believed me and thought I was exaggerating, being a drama queen (family, work place, teachers)  etc. 
[ The whole time I lived in that house I was persuaded it was haunted, I saw the same shadow man at night, fully awake, same fedora hat it wore, that I saw in my childhood &amp; always a black shadow. I tried to adjust my eyes to the dark and it came closer &amp; closer to me. Around the same period, I thought I heard my name twice in a whisper. An external voice. I couldn’t sleep with lights off anymore, convinced I would see things. My roommates fuelled my belief because they would also hear things in the house when alone. A week after; I tried turning off the lights, leave my blinds open to let the street lights hit my wall - guess what? I saw the shadow of a woman go past on my wall twice, wearing a Victorian dress! Now don’t get me wrong, I am aware of how this sounds but I always firmly believed that I could be some type of clairvoyant If I put my spirit and mind to it. I have this impression that I can feel people’s auras, and negative/positive energy when it’s around me, and I always thought it was the proof of something more, now I am wondering if this wasn’t a psychotic episode. I remember clubbing, being drunk and at the moment of going back home I completely lost it and broke down because I didn’t want to sleep in a haunted house. My friend walked me home and I eventually calmed down. But everything around me always confirms my beliefs for some reason, like thinking I leave a street away from Fred &amp; Rosemary West explained the paranormal] 

I was eventually diagnosed with a chronic myeloid leukaemia, I think I split again after the diagnose because it was too hard, so I went to Portugal, lost my ID, was sent back to France &amp; decided to live there. I didn’t take my treatment and wanted to be sooo sick they would have to give me a bone marrow transplant. 

I always am looking for something wrong with me, I still am after this diagnose. I thought I only wanted the treatment, but I never once took it properly.

It’s a TKI I have to give myself everyday, and sometimes I don’t do it. I don’t know why, so I’m guessing the love of danger and an inner feeling of not wanting to live. 

I put my heart and soul into not feeling alone, not being depressed and even when I am happy, I am not. Waiting for my money to slowly sink, as my mood deteriorates, as my need for love &amp; attention increase &amp; as my sanity decreases. My family doesn’t understand me and they are my biggest trigger, as I’m longing for their approval and understanding. They called me crazy a week ago and I felt such a disarray. One day I was arguing with my mum, I broke a mug so she could stop talking over me and listen, she told me she thinks I will kill her one day, it’s so horrible to hear that and I hate to think I’m seen as a lunatic because I am different. 
I have no where to go because of that freaking lock down and I’m financially depending off my mum. I can’t find a job because I haven’t worked for so long, and my third year at uni seems so far along. 

I’m also a sole mess at university, I can’t manage myself, think about feeding myself or not spending so much money into things &amp; weed in London or anywhere, let’s not forget to mention that.

Anyway, I think I have a problem! Regardless of whether paranormal exists or not. I take my friendships and love affair so seriously and intensely, even when I tell myself I’m just in for sex I start finding reasons why we’re clicking so much, and as soon as intercourse or any sort of thing happened, I end up finding myself being a slave to my emotions, my fear of rejection, abandonment, I start finding reasons and signs the person in front of me is cold, or not into it anymore; then I respond impulsively, I’ll send messages that are not so clear just word vomitting all my insecurities, I find myself crying, describing my social media’s over one fucking person, I’m so fucking done with this, with people calling me crazy. With people not being able to see when i need help, because I don’t appear like I’m losing it. It happens in me, it happens when I’m alone or with lovers or close friends. I know I can be manipulative, and that I can use my cancer to self pity or even mention my cancer to make my new potential target nicer to me. I’m just an impossible person, I’m only 24 and life seems like it’s just getting harder.
I don’t know what to think, Am I just a dramatic hypochondriac ? I need answers so I can start working on it somehow. 
I tried to explain it through personality tests, through astrology, through name meanings, through my environment &amp; trauma, through my cancer, I have nothing guys

I have no grip over what I feel and how to process thongs

There’s so much more I haven’t said but it’s so hard to say it all. 

If you got the courage to read all of that, thanks, if you have a question, or anything I can shed light on, so I can shed light on myself please shoot.