I have not been diagnosed with BPD or anything but looking at articles and other people's comments regarding this topic I feel like maybe I am not alone in what I am feeling.
I am at a point where my life just doesn't make sence anymore. After my boyfriend broke up with me it felt like my life ended. All I did was for him. I went places just to take pictures for him I cooked food just to send him pictures I feel like I lived my life just to have something to show him. So I will be able to talk to him. And he will not leave me. All I wanted to do every day was talk to him. Be with him. It was more important than sleeping. More important than anything else. So when he broke up with me everything i was was taken away. Since everything I did I only did for him to see. And I do not know what I am who I am what I like doing now. I feel like a ghost. 

For months during out relationship I was already thinking he will leave me. He might leave me today. He's "texting tone" was off this morning he will dump me today. The fear was constant. And I was becoming more and more irrational. And I was pushing and pushing fights because that's the only way I felt like I am in control. "if he doesn't leave me after this fight then he really loves me. Then he won't abandon me"... And I was calm for the night. 

Before he actually broke up with me he has done so countless times in my mind. And when it really happened the world just ended for me. 

He wants to be friends with me and continues wanting to talk. And I want to talk to him because I feel like I cannot live without him. But I just have these episodes of pure rage where one simple word he writes will get twisted in my head and I will just see red. Because how can he possibly still care about me when he threw me away like trash. How can he say he wants me to be happy if he knows the only thing making me happy. He wants me to smile and he took away the only thing that made me smile.

I feel so ashamed when I go into this unstoppable rage and I cannot help myself. It's phisicaly painful holding it in because I feel like I will cook from the inside. And releasing it hurts him and myself but at that moment I don't care I can't think rationally. It is exhausting. I don't know how to go on... 

I'm sorry for a long post. 
Thank you