I woke up immediately wanting to SH. It’s almost 3pm EST SH wouldn’t be good enough to move past this. People who care are frustrated that I seem to not want help. The trauma is pretty much towers that reach the sky surrounded by thorns. At this point and the only way out is to set me ablaze or spontaneous combustion. When I say nothing makes me smile anymore I mean it. Do I WANT to live like this? Fuck no. MAYBE being told over and over and over and over again the following fun phrases like “you are crazy” or “I didn’t love you, but you were fun” maybe it starts to work. And it did. I think after my first tumultuous relationship. He tried to take my virginity at the age of 13 just after leaving an abusive and controlling household. We often did things I didn’t want to of a sexual nature. He was only four years older than me but at that age it is significant. Do you know how it is to have a man fill you with his manhood after telling you you don’t mean shit but if you do this certain thing maybe they’ll reconsider? I was desperate to be loved. I did it all. I even got pregnant and what was his response? It’s not mine. I’ve been called a lunatic, a loser, a user, nothing, shit, bitch, cunt, leech, vampire. I was called fast at a young age after repeated molestation. I didn’t understand it until the damage had been done. I didn’t know it was sexy to have a person scream no and cry out while fucking. Oh what’s that? It’s not. Well I would not have known by the number of times men have been inside of me without permission. I feel like I’m a house of horrors. I think I’ve only felt loved twice in my lifetime. One was a fantasy. And one relationship I just kept failing at. I couldn’t keep a job, always negative, jealous and I’ve heard that straight from the source. It’s 100% true and I hate myself for still being here. I’m still without a stable job. I have no hope and I stopped trying to hide it. I’m jealous now that I have zero self worth. I didn’t think I was being this way back then but what do I know? I’m super emotional and while I’m awake I might as well be blackout drunk because it feels like it’s outside of myself. All I want is love but all I create is problems. It’s 3:11pm and I still have the urge to die.