My boyfriends dog was cremated yesterday and they held a small funeral for her. I haven’t been to a funeral of any kind since I was a child and it was for someone I wasn’t close to whatsoever. This was my first actual exposure to death. Seeing his mom holding her dog’s lifeless body and wailing and screaming out her name is burned into my brain. His whole family was crying so painfully. She was the third dog they have lost within the last 2 years and the first one they were able to have a funeral for because of covid. I know some of you may think “well it’s just a dog…” but in their family their dogs are everything to them. I loved her dearly too. It was so intense I was in shock after. I felt traumatized. I kept hearing his moms wailing in my head the rest of the day. I’ve never heard anyone cry like that other than myself. I was petrified and shaking the whole time. Today is the morning after, I’m still struggling to keep myself stable.

Last night hours after the funeral I lost control and had a massive flare up. My BPD has been in remission or whatever you want to call it for about a year now. I accused my grieving boyfriend of emotionally cheating. I couldn’t stop crying and asking him if something was going on. When his first dog died 2 years ago we were going through an incredibly rough patch and my BPD was out of control. He was only a puppy and it hit my boyfriend HARD. He sought out emotional comfort from another woman and kept it from me for a long time. When this dog died I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to be the best most comforting girlfriend I could be. I couldn’t mess up again. I was terrified it would happen again if I wasn’t good enough. Of course I did a great job until the most important moment; the day of the funeral when when he was at his most vulnerable. He was furious. My flare up caused him so much pain. I apologized over and over until I couldn’t speak anymore and could only cry. I got suicidal for the first time in ages. I feel like I can never forgive myself and I destroyed his trust. He told me after that he invited me to the funeral as an act to show how important I am to him and he wants me by his side through everything for the rest of our lives and I FUCKING BLEW IT. I hate myself so fucking much. There’s no way he doesn’t hold hate for me too now. Fuck. I don’t know how to process my own grief, my soul crushing guilt, and being in shock from what I experienced yesterday. I’m so overwhelmed.