I put this under the multiple CW flair just in case.

So, over the years I’ve gained weight. Every time I go to the doctors I get the weight loss talk, the advice to exercise and eat healthy, etc. and I hate it. I know I need to lose weight but it’s so overwhelming.

In 2016, I joined a gym and started seeing a nutritionist/dietician (I don’t remember the official name lol). I downloaded an app to track every food I ate. I would even overestimate when it came to some foods, and would put in that I ate a crazy amount of food “just in case” so I wasn’t missing anything and so I knew the exact amount of calories in my body all the time. Embarrassingly, one day a friend gave me a piece of gum and I asked to see the pack so I could record the calories. I needed an exact number or else everything would be fucked up.

I forced myself to go to the gym every day. I really pushed it, depending on how much I ate. I set a strict limit of 1,200 calories per day and if I went over it (which I usually did), I’d force myself to work it all off. This involved over an hour on the treadmill at the maximum incline and staring at the “calories burned” part of the screen. I would literally be dripping sweat as if I just took a shower. But no matter how much I wanted to stop, I always forced myself to stay on until I hit my calorie goal. This sometimes took hours, and it sure as hell was painful! I would listen to podcasts just to get my mind off of how awful I felt during it. My motto was “if I can eat that many calories, I can burn that many calories” and wouldn’t let myself go home until I hit my goal. It was intense.

I lost some pounds within the first week. I was so happy and assumed that I’d steadily lose weight every week. My weight goal was 110 or 120 (I’m 5’6) but my dietician told me 110 was underweight and 120 was kinda pushing it so we compromised and made it like 130. But I wanted to be skinny. I dreamed of it.

Eventually, after months of incessant daily unpleasant exercising, I decided to treat myself to a day off. I never returned to the gym after that because I kept telling myself “I’ll come back tomorrow” and so on. Eventually ended up canceling my membership.

I’ve given up. What I always say is, “If you put an apple and a cupcake in front of me, of course I’m gonna eat the cupcake.” Eating healthy sucks and I’ve actually almost vomited from pretty much force feeding myself stuff that I didn’t like. I seem to dislike everything that’s healthy and gravitate toward the stuff that’s awful for you. I loathe exercise because I find it to be really unpleasant. I’ve cried about my weight several times.

Also, my go-to thought is ALWAYS “I’ll just kill myself then.” Always. No matter how small the issue. Can’t lose weight? Might as well kill myself. Frustrated over a class? Eh, killing myself seems like the best option. Not sure about my future? Suicide must be the only option. It’s ALWAYS that. It’s awful because I have an unshakable religious belief that forbids suicide, which is honestly the only reason I’m still here and am not constantly attempting. It’s scary having a thought process like that. But I’ll never act on them.

So basically it’s either I put myself through torture trying to lose weight or I just sit there comfortably but never losing weight. It’s the most frustrating thing. Also, when I would eat something I didn’t have the calorie information for, I’d pretty much be like “oh fuck it all, I’ll just burn an extra few hundred calories at the gym today.”