My ex fucked me up, real bad. I was in a bad place and God knows he was too, but he lied he cheated he hurt me real bad... On and off over the years we've spoken, I've blocked him once or twice when he's gaslighted me bad and I needed to protect myself but, after he messaged me a few days back, I've just replied.

My ex had BDP, and I do too. Neither of us were diagnosed at the time but we were both evidently messed up, regardless. We've both been homeless, skint, desperate, confused, angry, not coping well.

He's always been the one to reach out, since it ended. It ended bad. I found out he was cheating - on his pregnant girlfriend, with me. It broke me. I OD'd. It was an all time low. What hurt the most was that he understood me like nobody ever had yet still hurt me so bad. In the years since I've flicked between wanting to be there for him and needing to give myself space to heal, but I think I've finally accepted I will always care about him. Always. I will never forget what he put me though - I didn't deserve it and I owe it to myself to acknowledge that. But I also have to accept I'm not perfect either. I've hurt people. I've messed people up from my own actions. And I don't have to forget to forgive.

This is such a random rant but it felt like something important to say. As a bit of context, one of the reasons I've flicked between letting him back into my life on and off is that another of my exes, whom I also had a real toxic relationship, killed himself a few years back. He was fucked up too, and used to contact me on and off, but I ignored him because it was a straight up no go zone - things between us had been too messed up and I needed to put myself first. Maybe I wasn't wrong, but it also taught me that people can do bad things yet still deserve love.

People can do bad things yet still deserve love.

I'm never gonna get back with this guy, and I don't have the emotional space to be close friends, even. But if I can find it in myself to help him, even after all he's put me through, maybe I can eventually accept that I myself am worthy of help and support and love, even though I've not been a perfect person.

None of us are perfect and those of us with complex needs tend to, in all honesty, not always treat other people as we should. The first important step is accepting that, and that's hard enough, but I think the next step is in accepting that we are still worthy, even if we haven't always done what's right. And that's tough, bit it's what I have to do to heal, and if I don't heal, I'm just gonna keep hurting myself and those I love.

Idk if this will resonate with anyone. I'm a bit drunk to be honest. And I'm by no means saying you should let toxic people back into your life and/or that they're entitled to your time.... Sometimes we do have to be selfish and dedicate all our energies to ourselves.... But I guess this is just where I'm at in my journey. And it's painful, but I think that's okay. I think it's okay.