It’s been close to a year since my diagnosis and it’s just getting more and more apparent that many of the things that I do are not personality traits but because of BPD

I have my fp and I care about them so fucking much but I just feel like an absolute failure. I just would like some advice on how you guys go about your relationships with BPD?

I thought honesty was the best way, but it genuinely feels like my fp cherry-picks the negativity out of all of my words and I can’t tell if it’s genuine or not. 

I am god awful with splitting and dissociating, and they internalize that as me not being interested or genuine and they have brought up to me how I hurt them— but I don’t try to and it’s weighing so heavy on my conscience. 
I’ve lately been just feeling like abandoning the entire situation because I can’t take this overwhelming feeling of just feeling like I’m a crazy ass bitch but to abandon years of something that means so much to me brings me to suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, shit, on an hourly basis. 

My self harm has went up. I had to make a safety plan in my last therapy appointment. I thought I was going in a good direction, but it just feels like (and I’m not mad at them for this) my fp is making me relive my moments of psychosis, my splits, for their own clarification and validation for their own feelings but man… I can’t explain how terrible it feels. 

I don’t know why I don’t want to touch them sometimes, and I feel an irrational rage when they speak, but in the next moment, I love them and they’re truly the center of my universe— a godsend gift. It feels like the explanation that I give is never good enough and it sends me into a spiral. I just got off the phone with them and I immediately began vomiting and ripping out my hair, and scratching my face with these terrible crying spells. I have done shit that I didn’t even want to do, want to say, didn’t mean, don’t remember saying in vulnerable moments that I just fucking feel like I can never live up to. And I don’t know why I do it! I just FEEL that way and I SAY it but my fp takes it and internalizes it as my truth but it’s not….. then they say it’s hard to distinguish what’s genuine and not but what I can assure them is genuine it just doesn’t feel like they believe me… and I can’t fucking blame them, they’re a more tender, emotional person, so of course this is hard on them.

I feel like I’m rambling..

I just would love to have some advice for both sides, for me with BPD and them without BPD. I just feel like, among pretty much everything else in my life, BPD has ruined my chances of me and it succeeding. And I just feel like it’s reached that point but I at least want to reassure my fp and help them understand.