Background on me: I’m 22M, I’ve had anxiety issues my whole life, OCD issues in high school which I think I resolved mostly in college, and depression too in college.

Back around Christmas, I had a bad breakup with my girlfriend of over two years.  I came to a rather sudden realization that the long-distance relationship wasn’t going to work long term and I needed to get out of it.  She was devastated and it was a horrible mess.

This was what sparked what I believe to be the psychotic break.  Here are the details that may help explain what happened:

- I started believing I was a truly terrible person because I dumped her.  I was worried I never even loved her, and I thought heavily of every other awful thing I had done in my life.  It went beyond feeling like a bad person though, I thought I was evil.  I convinced myself I was spawned from Satan to wreak havoc on the world and that I was potentially the Antichrist.  I believed I was a psychopath, a malignant narcissist, that I was going to turn into a serial killer. 

- I couldn’t sleep during this time because of these thoughts.  At best maybe 1 hour a night, but usually nothing.  I took ambien, benzos, even an anti-psychotic and nothing put me to sleep.  I would literally pace around my whole house for 4 hours a night with these racing thoughts

- I started believing future was predetermined and that the world/God was sending me signs.  I would hear things on TV like “you’re going to hell” and I thought “yes, that’s God telling me my fate”

           - one big thing with this too was numbers.  Any numbers I thought “meant something bad/evil” I kept seeing in some combination on license plates, phone numbers, addresses, etc.  and thought it was a sign that I was going to the depths of hell any day

- I thought because I wasn’t sleeping that I had had a stroke and was going to die within a couple weeks’ time.  And then my parents were going to be on the news because their son died of a stroke and they didn’t see the signs and would be charged with manslaughter.  I was just waiting around for that to happen for a bit.

- Eventually I convinced myself that I had been screwed up in the head from birth and that I needed to go back in time and have a redo.  I basically was living in a dissociated state believing/hoping that I was going to go to bed and then wake up and everything u and lived would be a dream, that I’d be a baby again and be able to have a redo.  

- I truly thought my life was over and that I should just give up because I was born an evil monster who was brought into this world to destroy people, unable to feel love or empathy 



All that said, it was pretty scary and definitely darkest period of my life.  I am doing much better now and feel like myself again, back in touch with reality.  

But I still don’t know what happened here.  Does this sound like a psychotic break to anyone?  With the delusions, paranoia about me being truly evil and about to die and going to hell.  Is it a sign of bipolar disorder?  Or just a psychotic break triggered by severe relationship/breakup anxiety? I know no one can make a diagnosis here but I have no idea about much of this stuff to be honest 

EDIT: I have talked about this with a therapist but they seemed to brush it off like it was nothing.  I don’t think they truly understood what state of mind I was actually in.