Well, I've always suspected that I had some sort of personality disorder from a young age. It wasn't until I went to college when I finally took the time to see a psychiatrist, and got diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and mild depression.

But after being medicated for some time now, I don't believe this is correct. It wasn't until I randomly heard about BPD that things felt as if they had clicked for me.

I've spent so much time being a clingy friend and trying to hard to make sure that my friends still want to be around me, yet at the same time little random things may trigger me to cut them out of my life for some time before feeling as if I had no one and reaching out to try to reconnect, for fear of having.. well, no one. 

Though I do have a relatively small, long-term group of close friends it's been met with times where one thing could make me hate them, and make it hard for me to want to be around them and associate with them. Aside from friends, I'm admittedly very promiscuous and haven't really dated in my entire 22 years. It's as if once someone I would be seeing would start to get close I lash out at them and turn into this other human being, not feeling as if I'm worthy of them and undeserving of a significant other. And that feeds into this tumultuous relationship with sex and more.

At first I thought it was basic college behavior, but then I started realizing my alcohol consumption and sexual behavior weren't normal. At all. 

I'll dissociate from situations, and i've felt as if for months; days there was this thick fog impeding my thoughts and I was this robot non-human. 

The emptiness is what gets me the most. This boredom of not knowing what I'm doing with my life and that I have no true passions and just go along with what others have pinned me as... And the only true emotion I feel is anger, which springs up on me like no other. I guess it's either anger or self hatred. But yeah.

I guess... Just needed to get this out before I bring this up with my therapist. 