The  only reason I ever cared about college is because I was afraid of being  homeless. My parents did very little to help me progress when I was  young, specifically treating my adhd. For me to be in a situation where  I'm paying my bills, building a savings, and working at a job with a  bearable amount of time off has been unprecedented my entire life. I've  struggled with so much self doubt and I took a risk moving out of  California only for everything to work out. I think I've realized that I  have no motivation to engage in higher education not because I don't  find math and science interesting, but that I don't see the current  system in place as built for people like me with adhd and I see no  better life on the other side then what I'm living now.

So  basically I'm settled here. I realize that making near minimum wage  isn't appealing to most people, specifically dating, but I'm just happy  that I survived. I'm happy that I didn't kill myself when my grades fell  apart halfway into high school. I somehow broke through whether through  sheer luck or dedication. I have my high school diploma, I have good  credit, I pay my bills on time. Life is good enough for me and I just  don't see any benefit to changing any of it.

With  that said I'm super depressed still. I have the urge to create whether  through writing, sketching, or possibly game design, but I just can't  pull through right now. I'm afraid of developing dementia when I'm older  and I'm afraid of being alone the rest of my life, but I'm so tired. I  don't want to do anything else. I just want to go on walks and do things  I enjoy. I think the only reason I ever thought about suicide was  because I felt like I would never get here. Now that I'm here I feel  like I have no place asking life or God if there is one for anything  more.

If something really bad  happens then it happens and I crash. I could get hit by a car tomorrow I  don't know. This is just how I want to deal with my life right now. It  finally works and I'm self suifficient.