I've been on a streak of not being able to do simple stuff: getting up from bed, eating regularly, it's awful, but it has happened before, many times way worse than now. My problem is that I honestly feel failed by myself, and I've been feeling this more intensely since last week, when I watched a friend I desired to be closer with star in a big production musical play.
I love the theater, it fills me with such intense joy and emotion every single time, and this time wasn't different. No, it was better, seeing that person I hold so much affection to perform beautifully... simply magical. However it was right there as it ended, while I was waiting to see them come out, it dawned on me the stupid realization that I wasn't "worthy" of it; going to stage plays a lot in my life, I've always kept a lot of distance between me and the actors, of course, performing can be very tiring and stressful, plus they have their own friends and acquaintances to meet and greet, my congratulations could be annoying to deal with. No, the thought process was the same, what teared me apart was this twisted notion of little to no self-importance, to think I was not worthy of their attention, because I could never cause the same effect that they had caused on me, an euphoric inspiration.
If I only did more, tried a bit more... this is insanity, my life is not over, I'm barely out of my twenties and yet I feel like I can't do anything else, that there is nothing else I could learn and be, that this person that I am today is never changing, continuously in a loop of thinking about failure and failing again.
It gives me no reason to get out of bed, fully aware that the change I want won't come out of nowhere, at least definitely not while I'm laying here, soaked in tears of unfinished business that I haven't even started yet.