Sick isn't it? But this is something I've come to realize about myself. I guess it's something I'm just so used to that I can't imagine thinking anything else. 

So what ends up happening is that I desperately want to feel loved by people, but if they do "love" me, I end up getting annoyed that they do. Because who I really am deep down is not loveable. I'm scum.  As far as my psyche is concerned, that is an inarguable law of the universe. Anything to the contrary is incorrect. And I'm 34 years old, and still have never been able to shake that idea.

Sometimes I get the urge to mock people who show kindness towards me. I don't do it of course, but it crosses my mind. I want to grab them and shake them and scream in their face at the top of my lungs "You're such a fucking idiot!!!!!!!! Can't you see that I'm a worthless piece of shit?!?!?!?! Get a fucking clue!!!"

People have talked themselves blue in the face trying to tell me otherwise, that I am loveable and they try and list off all of my positive qualities, but my brain is stuck. No one understands. I don't even understand. People have asked me what happened in my life that caused me to feel this way, and although I can pinpoint specific things, I don't know why these feelings of worthlessness burrowed themselves so deeply into my mind. 

Along with this, I've come to prefer expecting the worst. Happiness and things going well is too scary and I get suspicious. Because when you're at the top, there's only one direction you can go--down. So it's better to just keep your expectations and outlook extremely low. That's safer. 

You'd think from reading this that I don't even function, or that I'm in a state of constant turmoil, but I'm so used to this that these feelings are just a part of my life. They're always there like a broken record, but somehow I manage to still function and pretend that all is well to the outside world.

But when I'm alone with my thoughts, it all takes over, and before you know it I'm wishing that I could just cease to exist. I don't just want to die, and possibly have my consciousness continue in some other realm, I want to stop existing period. I want to be obliterated from the universe as if I never happened.