Just have something to share. Now to start with according to my therapist I have been suffering from depression since my childhood without realising (didn't suffer badly as much as others with terrible stories) which mostly kept me emotionally numb instead of feeling low energy or what you obviously call depression my whole life

I am 20 and I am a social and academically a failure and who knows financial and relationships failure is upcoming next or not

I don't look for dates or girls like in my university classes just treat them like colleagues at a work place at most. But this girl I started to have fondness for. Long story short I found out myself that she was already with someone.

It was RIGHT AFTER I got into an accident with a shitty biker who side swiped and ruined my very super clean looking vehicle. From zero dents to 10 dents and scratches. Its been just 6 months since I had it. I really love this car and did basic maintenance detailing and washing myself.

That point my depression hit another low after it also did in my mid-high school (maybe one month of those 4 years). I started to get help now as mental awareness is better now and I am a bit independent

I also may potentially have ADHD (attention defecit hyperactivity disorder) but cant get any confirmation until my depression and anxiety can get in control to an extent

ADHD mainly causes problems with academics financials socials relationships and responsibilities

One studies points a side effect of ADHD is REJECTION SENSITIVITY DYSPHORIA. It makes u shit scared of doing something that potentially may make u face conflicts arguments etc. You lose the power to argue, negotiate make good decisions and induce fear of judgment, negative view of a person and make u a people pleaser overall. Thats how the ADHD brain works.

Ok so we were speaking about feeling shitty on seeing a beautiful woman right? Now that my depressive symptoms actually got worse, whenever I see every girl I feel anxious and rejected immediately as I imagine having conversations with someone because of my weird personality. And seeing a girl also reminds me of a complete failure who failed to persuade someone they liked

Logic is she was a crush there are many people to make partners with. Sure shit Sherlock my emotions don't want to accept this fact.

I am better than before but these days every bad situation triggers my depression for 2-3 days until I recover to my flat mood

I always feel like my eyes want to close. I don't feel the same mood before this incident. I am must be emotionally numb or even made my existing unrecognised emotional status worse.