I’m at a really low point.

My parents moved out of state to be near my brother and this was my first Christmas without them (not to mention with COVID and me being an essential worker anyway). I’ve always felt that my parents favored my brother over me. I finally broke down crying last night after my mom texted me to ask me to get on our family Zoom because my dad “accidentally forgot to text me the code.” 

I have deep issues from childhood that I need to work through. At a pretty young age (about 7), my dad started referring to me as “lazy” and “careless” anytime I didn’t want to do something he wanted me to (mainly playing sports when I wasn’t very interested in them or good at them). 

Of course, my brother was a star athlete, so he won my dad’s attention and favoritism just by playing sports. I got into a good college, got an advanced degree and work in a helping profession. I have run several long distance races while raising money for charity. I have a good husband and two shelter pets. No accomplishment makes me feel good. I still feel rejected and empty. 

I feel even more triggered right now with the holidays. I have gained about 5 lbs (I’m skinny anyway so it shouldn’t really matter), but with the weight gain I’m reliving all the times my brother called me a “fat cow” when I was an overweight child. Today, my husband wouldn’t stop criticizing my driving in the car. It brought me back to when my dad tried to teach me to drive and was so critical and made me so anxious the entire time I nearly caused an accident. I’m now angry with my husband (I still believe he was in the wrong), but I wish I wasn’t so upset. 

I grew up in a family with plenty of money and opportunities, so I often feel like my struggles aren’t valid. But here I am, almost 30 years old, resenting my family for the way they have treated me over the years. Every time I bring up how I feel, I end up crying and feel like I’m gaslit into looking like the “crazy” or “spoiled” sibling because my brother and parents usually remain calm. As a result of my life experiences and brain chemistry, I have diagnoses of anxiety, OCD, and moderate depression. The OCD is paralyzing and makes my day to day like exhausting. I don’t talk about any of it with my family. They tell me they love me and are proud of me, but it’s so hard to get past it all. 

How do I work on my self esteem? I don’t want to feel this way forever.