I'll describe to you one of my episodes.

Yesterday I went out on a walk. As I was walking I was listening to music and there was this one song that basically said that if you want to be accepted for who you are and be trully loved you need to show your true self. Right then I understood how I was lying to everyone around me including myself and I was always acting how ppl want me and thats totally fake. I felt like an imposter but also had an "a-ha" moment. 

(Side note: I have been diagnosed with social anxiety and borderline pd)

I went home and I listened to some more music and one song spoke to me. It was about being pressured by other ppl to be a certain way, while you just want to be yourself and give and receive love. So, that obviously triggered me because I started crying intensely and wanted to call my ex to tell him I missed him and that I was wrong to break up with him (he has lied to me about sth very imprortant MULTIPLE times and I am also very jealous of him, he thinks I am controlling). 

But there was this other thing I was feeling. I suddenly saw in my minds eye a part of me screaming "let me out, I cant stand being alone, you are suffocating me" and the more I tried to relax the more I was feeling like I was choking myself and that I caused panic to anither side of myself. It was a very weird feeling I felt very sad for doing this to myself and also afraid. 

Then I called my ex, said he loved me but he was with some friends. I begged him to come over and that I needed him. Him not coming over triggered me badly, I felt like he was choosing his friends over me and that he wasnt there when I needed him. I immediately drunk beer and again I felt a kind of suffocating numbness, like never before. I couldnt handle my own thoughts and emotions, they were racing. Gradually, after drinking another one the vision of me screaming finally shut up. I was a coward. 

My ex came over 3 hours after my melt down and I aready was too drunk to care. I was happy to see him. The next morning he left to go meet up with his friends again and thats when I understood why he came to me the first place: they had promised to meet the next day. Of course. Or else he wouldnt dare upset them for me. 

That triggered me baaad, I was screaming at him on the phone begging him to stay, crying, he said he wanted to go to his females friends house which is in another city. I am extremely jealous of that friend. For months I begged him to let her go. I am so jealous. I said "who do you choose, me or her" and he said I was sick, very sick, need to talk to a therapist and I was sickened by jealousy. To me that sounded like: "I dont think you are worth losing a friend and I choose her over you, in fact I like her more".

I tried to bargain, told him id do anything for him to delete her and he said no. I then told him he cant have me and her at the same time BUT HE STILL WANTED TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. He wouldnt listen when I said I wanted to break up. I was in deep pain. Suddenly I stopped. Everything. I stopped thinking and talking. I didnt even close my eyes, just stood there. Didnt feek a thing. Now I am lying on my bed and I feel very weak, tired and sleepy, but also relaxed. I feel good. 

What is wrong with me? 