I’m incapable of anything, I cannot learn a single skill. I have tried painting, sailing, writing articles on historical topics, playing musical instruments, doing sports and many other hobbies and activities. Nothing good came out of this and never will, no matter how much time I spend doing anything. Damn, I even cannot play any video game well after spending more than hundreds or even a thousand of hours on some of them. I cannot read books or popular science magazines anymore. Their numbers on the shelves of my room keep and keep multiplying, but it requires an impossible effort to even start reading, not to mention to learn anything. There is just no inspiration, and even if there is, it quickly fades away after making minimal effort. But being motivated is not the only problem, since even if I had the inspiration to actually do things, the limit would be achieving mediocre results, because I am a useless piece of shit. And it is definitely better not to exist, than to live a mediocre life.

Simply keeping existing, even during weekends or holidays, when there are no assignments from the fucking university or any obligations in general, is a hard struggle. For the most of the time, nothing brings pleasure. I spend my leisure time playing games, watching series or listening to music loudly in order to draw my attention away from the fact that I keep existing. Almost any social activity is connected with an enormous amount of anxiety, of stress, to the point that my eye or brow often twitches. Even hanging out with few (not really close) friends is extremely hard, when you, for the most of the time, feel extremely nervous (without any inner dialogue whatsoever, it is like an inherent character trait), do not have any opinion on most of the topics (stemming from the absence of interest in anything) and have awful speaking skills. And hanging out with friends is an activity which, normally, should bring pleasure! Of course, given these conditions, I cannot have and have never had romantic relationships. Moreover, I cannot say that I have ever been attracted to someone (even though during my school years I tried to convince myself that I was attracted to a classmate), and I am already 20 years old. 

All other crap, like studying at a “prestigious, top-ranked university” (in fact, a shithole, courses offered by which are unable to deliver any knowledge whatsoever), even while achieving “quite good” results (with the most minimal efforts) is not just very hard, it is utterly unbearable. And life will get progressively worse as time passes by, since after the university I will have to start working (of course, not a single job appeals to me) and since the physical and mental health will only keep deteriorating as years pass by. 

Almost every night, before going to sleep, I try to persuade my body that it is time to die, by constantly repeating it in my thoughts and chanting it. Also, I regret a lot the fact that I didn’t die in the serious car accident, in which I was involved a few years ago. This would have been the best solution to all of my problems. The only way to combat these thoughts that I have found is to strongly hit myself in the head, because after it the brain changes focus from mental to physical pain. Even if there are a few “ok” or even “good” days, the day after that I always feel like shit. The better a day was, the worse my mental state will be the next day. 

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have good relationships with my family members. The only reason not to commit suicide is that is would absolutely destroy my mother, my grandmothers and would have a very negative impact on my father and many other members of my family, and I don’t want this to happen. If I was alone, I would have killed myself long ago. Living neither has any meaning nor brings overall positive emotions - it is merely a disgusting obligation, conferred to you by the society.  Regretfully, you cannot just kill yourself even if you really want to. 

I understand that no one cares and do not expect any responses, just wanted to make my thoughts more structured. Sorry for this pathetic whining.