On one hand, I deeply care about people, even people I hurt. I cry easily over the smallest things, but I have a dark side. I fantasize about revenge all the time. All the time. My life wouldn’t feel complete without these revenge fantasies. 


I think about publicly humiliating those who have wronged me. For example, ten years ago, at a family gathering, my aunt got in the middle of a discussion my mom and I were having. She humiliated me in front of our ENTIRE family and brought that information into the light. I fantasize about the next time she meddles like that, throwing a cup of coffee or wine in her face. 

Another aunt always criticizes my quietness. For example, one time, she asked me if it embarrasses me to look at people, since I guess I wasn’t making a lot of eye contact. She had a big smile on her face. The next time she smiles, maybe I’ll punch her real hard. 

Two years ago, a guy I liked hurt me. He’s not truly a mean person, but he led me on. He told a bunch of people he liked he when he had a girlfriend the entire time. He cut things off to preserve the relationship. I hate that he led me on. Even though he’s single now and still likes me, I think about sometimes having secret children with a guy my crush absolutely hates, and then having children with my crush. Then, after 10-15 years, it comes to light that I have secret children. 

I’m a very hateful person. I even take some pride in my hatred. I have BPD, so maybe that’s affecting my ability to think. But I’ve always been like this. When I got bullied when I was 5 or 6, I fantasized about beating my bullies up. I guess maybe because I was forced to repress my emotions as a child, my anger increased.