To build up context, we're (both 26yrs old) both coming out (about a year) of long term toxic relationships with abusive partners. Her ex boyfriend was controlling, she couldn't see her family ever and i think she's been feeling guilty over it and hid her relationship for the most part.

On my side, I've been in a relationship with a lot of trust issues, she had cheated on me like 4 days into our relationship and it had been pretty hard to gain trust from there on out really. I have pretty bad self esteem myself and mostly i really fear abandonment (ADHD comorbidity most likely)

We knew each other for years and had dated for a bit but we're both quite introverted and we mostly had communication issues and different lifestyles at that point. I must also point out that i tried to hit her up a few times during those years and i found myself thinking about her and catching up on the social's from time to time ... kinda feeling like we had "unfinished business".

It so happens that now (7 years later) she was working with a friend of mine which i had no idea until i noticed her name on her work outlook page and asked her about it.

We ended talking to each other a bit on messenger and like, we really hit it off naturally, it's like we'd never stopped talking to each other. I was a bit hesitant at first coming from hard times with my ex gf at that point and clearly having trust issues but we ended up seeing each other. Again it was "love at first sight" no but really ... It's like we we're just bonded by this invisible force. We talked and talked for hours drove around and it felt really easy to open up about what was happening in my heart and in my head. We then had this night were i proposed to install foot LED's in her car (Old inside cause she had some in her car years ago and i used to give her a (jokingly) hard time for it). It just felt like we were kids hanging together, i had this deep sense in me that i was myself with her, it felt like my chest was opening up for the first time with someone in years, if not ever.

After that we started hanging around and just listening to music and like quickly we went the next step. We kissed on a Two Feet song in the middle of installing LED's in a Canadian Tire parking lot, but it felt like the best kiss ever, can't put words it just felt like our veins we're connecting together and we we're sharing more than just our lips on each others.

From then on it was just love for days, i felt really good loving her and we really had this deep sense of easiness, something i never really had before in a relationship it felt easy, but deep and sincere at the same time.

Months go by and i still feel the same way really, we end up with a temporary apartment that we spend weekends in together watching movies (also smoking weed but.....)

The sex is also amazing, intense, purposeful, love fueled, we've really been able to explore and open, it was up she's the most beautiful girl and like i felt the same way back then when i didn't know her so, unbiased here.

Having that much .............. Unprotected sex. Ended up like you would expect .. We we're both like noticing changes ... boo... MOOD changes ... so we kinda knew deep down it was going on but one morning she took the test and ... positive ...  To be honest it felt scary and sad but also good, i felt like she was the right person and my mind and my heart were low key contemplating the idea of building a family with her. But in practice, the timing was bad. Our relationship was young and we're still pretty young and she was at the start of her career job so we both agreed to go the abortion route even tho i felt we both had feeling about that but in the end it felt like the right thing to do.

The day came and ... honestly it felt weird but fine, we went home and really never talked about it again that much.

2 weeks later, i get in a bad car crash, my car (which i loved really I'm a big car guy and i spent hours working on it)

From then on, my mind honestly starts falling apart ... I'm grieving the loss of ... a child i guess ? And now I'm grieving for my car too. Even tho i try keeping myself above water it just feels like I'm going down this hole and giving my everything, accident PTSD, work schedule stress with bosses that don't understand what I'm going trough ... About a month later i lose my job. At this point we're moving in together in our like permanent place 2 days from then and stress just keeps piling up, i try to keep it above my head but like, my good old friend anxiety is climbing up the ladder fast to bring me down.

Our relationship is holding strong nonetheless really, we're talking a lot about how we like some things and some others less as far as living together goes and we find solutions to make it better for the two of us ... All this time from now on it really feels like we're an incredible team from every angle.

Although ... I'm still falling apart inside and the more it goes the less adequate i feel to her and it just seems like I'm worthless, unemployed, at home, doing not much to find a job cause i can't help myself thinking I'm not worth it. To be clear, i still try to do my best to her and take as much as i can so she can feel good too. (Chores, waking up with her in the morning even though i could be sleeping, prepping coffee in the morning that kinda stuff...). I try to keep up with everything that makes me more anxious too like, calling for jobs etc. But it's like rollercosters really.

Time goes by a bit and we had vacation planned with her family, anxiety is coming up, it's a 8 hours drive, we had a bit of an argument few days prior and haven't really talked since. So the day comes up and, i feel incapable of going, agoraphobia i think it is in the end but like, I'm overwhelmed in anxiety from everywhere. On one side i really don't want to deceive her family because we're close and i like them a lot really. But i just can't, i freeze, i let myself fall into anxiety and i let it control what i want at this point. At first she's real mad but then we talk and she's you know ... "Fine" about it.

2 days go by with her not around and, at this point it's bad, I'm making plans about killing myself and i can't bare to think about myself for more than two seconds so ... I tell myself, GO YOU DUMBASS GET OVER THAT ANXIETY.

So i tell her I'm gonna come over and do it, i kinda feel odd still, going long distances is really an anxiety trigger for me. Especially alone.

So i still make it 3 hours into the drive and like, I'm really anxious at that point, my smartwatch is telling me i have 90 something % stress and i this point I'm sweating i feel nauseous and like i feel it's going down so i text her like, i might stop for the night 3 hours away from were you're staying and she answered my something like "Well, Maybe you should turn around if you can't do it" but to me, at that point, it felt like ... Satire?  So like now i feel rejected and the gates of my heart have closed ... I'm turning around for sure. It feels wrong but i just can't help it. She calls me a few times but i really don't wanna talk cause really i just wanna die at this point. She then sends me two voice messages we're she's shouting at me and like, it's this anger i never felt before. Like i had chills listening to them and i couldn't like stop hearing it in my head. It felt like i was thrown back into my old relationship and everything was crashing against me.

I get back home in the end and she's really pissed and sad, really not talking much that night and i feel like she want's us to be over. At that point i find myself having disappointing a whole lot of persons i really love and it's turbocharged my anxiety to the top and my self esteem is at peek low.

So, here we are, that night ...

I'm in IT, i don't know her password but i kinda know what people use as passwords usually so ... I open up her computer, check the hint ... Was pretty obvious so ... After a few tries, it goes trough.

I'm feeling it reach inside my chest that rush of self sabotage that is happening, my mind telling me "go look at everything and prove yourself that you're a worthless pos"

At this point i open up messenger and the only think i think about is her ex, her abusive ex ... And i can't get the tough out of my mind that he's better than me to her or was you know ... She's been with her 4 years and on my side ... I'm worthless soooo. Better check out how it was...

As it so happens, it's like had told me before, i found out he was a way fatter piece of shit than i am so, i feel stupid as fuck and it seems like I'm snapped back to reality as fast as Eminem in 8 miles. Now i feel confident in our relationship cause, I've seen he was bad to her and that she wasn't how she is with me.

But now ... I've snooped and i feel bad for it, I've broken her trust like her ex did and i kinda know it's not gonna end well if i tell her but, she's still 8 hours away and i still have agoraphobia but ... She's still there for 4 days, F THIS I'm going.

So i go, really like, can't believe it myself to have made it so far alone, without dying of anxiety.

At first she's like a bit mad still and emotional about me turning around but. We end up having an awesome time there, it felt refreshing and i felt good with myself for being there... Deep inside tough, there's that snooping thing poking me in the heart from time to time but i really don't want to mess up her vacation more than i already did so i wash it off for now.

I really don't think about it for a few days after we're back home.

So at that point, vacation is over ... But I'm still unemployed so i stay home.

Dear anxiety is back, i go into our office room and i see her computer laying there, and i can feel it come to me like ... What if i missed something and in the end he was actually better than you ... ?

So i type her password, open up her browser .... stop.

I went to the bathroom and i looked at myself in the mirror in disgust, how can i do that, why did i do that. We built that relationship on trust and solid bases and I've felt satisfied in every way with her.

Just not with myself.

I got to my computer, confessed to what i had done on a notepad++ file and leave it open for a while, trying to think about the ways everything is gonna go down and try to have a last moment in what used to be a healthy relationship. I take i deep breath and i send it to her ...

\*Silence\*

She comes home from work, tells me we're done and locks herself in out bedroom.

I feel atrocious, anxious, overwhelmed. I can't believe it, I made her that sad by going into past traumas and violating her privacy for no other reason than my own feeling of worthlessness,

I try to talk to her but at this point she's really closed and my fear of abandonment kicks real hard. I did that to the person i cherished the most. I really just wanted to impact only myself in this and not her ...

Now i have bad separation anxiety it feels like i can't let go and she really doesn't want us to be together anymore ever and we're moving out once we find new places.

But my heart is still there, in that healthy relationship where i feel like we had everything but now things have changed just, so fast, so abruptly ... I just can't let go and it's making it harder on her too so...

Long story guys sorry but,

(TLDR:)

I just wanted to know if some of you we're ever in a healthy relationship that you sabotaged in a similar way in a single isolated event when everything else about that relationship was fine ...

If anyone did, how did it turn out ?

If bad, how can i make it better ?

How did you guys got trough snooping yourself or how did you feel getting snooped on?

And how can i let go on someone i really think is the love of my life ....