I’m a huge pushover, and it’s affecting my life for the worst. 

I don’t try to be, but I fail, I KNOW what I’m doing wrong and I KNOW I need to change but for some fucking reason I can’t for the life of me and I hate myself so fucking much.

This is what I mean:
- someone playfully jabs at me, sometimes I can jab back and have fun but other times I just go on the defensive and it ruins the mood for everyone 
- my family walks all over me for the reason above, doing the same thing or just shitting on me for bringing the mood down when I get like this 
- it’s so easy to bring me down, one bad thing happens and I roll over and wallow like a piece of shit 


When I get like this it’s hard for me to get out, I just sit and feel sad and even though I know I’m being a fucjing moron and being sad over some stupid shit and letting something that should make me upset for 2 minutes ruin my entire day.

My boyfriend is even growing more concerned cause he sees how much this effects me and he’s getting more upset that I keep doing this to myself, and I agree with him am a lot more sad that I fucking need to be and I hate it. I hate myself I hate that I know I need to change and I feel like I can’t and I KNOW ITS ALL IN MY HEAD and I’m just shooting my self in the foot and knowing I know this makes me feel more sad and pathetic.

I’m on vacation right now and barely could get myself out of the room without my family guilting the tuck outa me and I still feel like a POS for being such a drag. Wasted half the day just sitting in the dark and wallowing. I have this huge mental block that keeps me from changing and I’m so incredibly frustrated that I’m this stupid l.

I need fucjing therapy it’s just hard to find and get into it, I plan to.