I have known for a while that there is something very wrong with me. Unstable behaviour, emotional stability, and bouts of psychosis at times. All my relationships have been fast-paced and intense, only to end abruptly in a firey crash. I have been told by a number of people that I am too negative, temperamental, dramatic... I've heard it all and to me, they were all wrong. It was them who were there problem, not me. How dare they, right?

Here's a scenario that happened not long ago: I texted a friend and she didn't reply within the usual 15 minutes. "She must be up to something... what is she doing? You know what? I don't need this! Okay, let me wait for 30 more minutes and then if she doesn't reply, I'll text her... IT"S BEEN 30 MINUTES! Who does she think she is?! I don't need this shit!" 

Finally, I text her - while bawling - asking if she still wants to be friends because if she doesn't, then she should just tell me! It hurts so much when she doesn't care enough to text ba- Click send.

"Why have I done that?"

This ended with me trying to call her three times, and apologizing profusely. After hours of me crying and contemplating suicide, she texts, "I was in a meeting" 

I just can't seem to regulate anything anymore! Especially my emotions and I am now more bitter than ever about the physical abuse I went through from my mother five years ago. Now I feel pure contempt towards her for all of the emotional abuse she has caused me. Here's the thing, I don't live with her anymore and don't see her anymore.

Why am I so bitter? 

One minute I am crying and wanting to end my life. The next, I am the happiest woman on earth. One minute, I am having a chat with my sister. They next, I am shouting at her about something. Every point of criticism that she brings up is first an attack, and then is evaluated later. I always feel attacked by others and the only way to deal with the anger that arouses, is to shout at them.

I need help... I just want to live peacefully with those around me without being bitter, without blowing up in their faces. I would just like to think before I act. 

I feel so lost and sad about this but I am now 100% sure that I suffer from BPD like my mother. 

So lonely right now. 