I went through a very big and sudden life change, both bad and good. Something got left behind in the process and I feel irreparably broken. 

My fiancée of 8 years dumped me out of the blue. In those years we’d gone from a little starter house to a huge dream house. It’s a long story but we weren’t married (it had kind of settle into a common law marriage by then) and only her name was on the house so despite all my work and investment (the last house was a big renovation project I’d nearly finished) I had to simply leave. She also kicked our 6yo dog out with me. Id been working on my degree pretty much the entire time we were together and she dumped me the day I graduated. 

Now I’ve got a job with my degree and I’ve moved away to start it. New apartment, new country, new everything. I had to leave my beloved dog with my parents, I can’t tell you how much I love that dog, we’d sleep in the same bed and were joined at the hip, she’s my baby. I just feel empty, like I’m merely surviving from now on. Everything I did in life was for my partner, my household, building a nest for our planned kids. Now it’s just me. I can’t self-motivate, I have no value for myself, my career feels pointless now. I’ve had a complete fresh start and I keep being told I’ve landed on my feet, which I get my apartment is really nice and my career is a great opportunity I’d be dying of excitement if I’d got a few years ago, but… I don’t know. It feels like I’m in limbo, I have nothing in my life I love and value, I’m so far away from the few loved ones I have left, I don’t like the part of the country I’ve moved to and would avoid it like the plague if not for this job. I think about suicide every day. I can’t justify living my life for any reasons greater than fearing death and ruining my parents. I feel cast adrift and lost and unable to do anything about it. I need my old life back just to live but I know it’s gone forever.

The life I’m living now (my own cool little apartment, my dream job, total solitude to work on my art) is what I’d fantasise about sometimes in my old life with my ex, but never more than a ‘that’d be cool’ pipe dream. But now that it’s all come true I hate it and am so hopelessly miserable and lonely.