I’m not feeling normal at all. All of my friends and family seem to be somewhat struggling with happiness, but I don’t know if I just feel like this because I am struggling myself. 

It seems like the motivation to get up and do anything just doesn’t come to me at any moment at all anymore. I sit around and fiddle on guitar or go grocery shopping with food stamps and complain about my social life, how I don’t have any money, how work makes me feel useless. I quit every job I get because they seem so utterly useless and they all make me feel like I’m slaving away, wasting my time for worthless pay. 

I live rent free because I take care of my aging family, we don’t really need to buy much, we live very simply. But going on social media just destroys me. I want to be young again, and have things I still haven’t experienced. I want to be able to travel and meet new people and get some sort of excitement out of life. It’s just .. missing. It’s not there anymore. The anhedonia is just unbearable at this point. 

I’m just lost and so lonely and would like a girl to talk to or something. I wish I had a spark of energy or anything to put me on a straight path. I know there are doctors, utility workers, food workers, drivers, mailmen, etc. Who all contribute to my standard of living and are the reason I am allowed to sit and complain all day, but I just can’t justify doing the work anyway. I can’t do anything unless I’m very inspired or forced. I feel privileged. I feel like an evil, empty person. 

I’ve been to every psychologist and social worker in the area. None even want anything to do with me anymore. I put up excuses for everything. I think I am a masochist. I literally must either choose to remain miserable, or I simply don’t believe I can prosper. I maybe don’t feel like I *deserve* to be happy. 

I’m lazy and worthless. ..