Well everybody tonight wasn’t a good night. I was supposed to go out and introduce two of my friends. One of them has been my best friend (m) since childhood and my other is a good friend (f) for a while now that’s the only one that seems to see any good in me when she saw the real me.

I got pretty jealous of how well they were getting along. I just shut down. Clocked out wasn’t there anymore. Not sure why I did what I did, part of me thinks I was trying to be the guy I wish I had been in previous relationships. I never know what’s sticking up for myself and my feelings and letting people use and walk all over me.

My childhood friend said some things about my past that really cut to my core. I don’t know if it’s something I’ll be able to forget about. My other friend we worked things out and says everything’s cool, but I just can’t trust that anymore after how everything’s gone in my life. I expect she’ll walk away soon too.

The worst part is calling other people in my life and not getting any answers or the people that do don’t really want to be there for me or get it. 

It’s like I should just always be what people want me to be and I can’t for one minute be allowed to feel and experience my own feelings. I’ll point out I’m the quiet/discouraged type. I keep this stuff inside most the time and  only let it out when it becomes too much. I’m just sick of feeling so invalidated and like I just don’t matter as a person if I’m not behaving in the perfect way everyone expects. Is that a thing normal people do? Like just be listened to and affirmed from time to time? You see that on tv and movies but I’ve never had that. I just want to be listened to. Maybe somebody to just say yeah that does suck for once. They’ll say they can’t fix my problems and what do I want from them. I just want to feel like a human being for once.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?