I just felt like writing this out, even briefly, might help alleviate the pain I’m feeling, and maybe someone here has some advice that might help.

My brain has always had a talent for spinning even the most trivial decision into a nihilistic sermon. I.e., telling me things like, “Why care about this? Nothing matters anyway.” Well, the last few days for some reason my mind has been drifting back to being 13, and sitting around playing Xbox with my older sister, who passed away last year. My sister and I were trauma-bonded, growing up in a psychologically and emotionally abusive home. We kept each other sane, and have always been super close. I feel like half of me died when she did. It occurred to me the other day, if I could sort of “Quantum Leap” into any time in my past, I’d go back to when I was 13, and my sis and I just sitting around playing Fable or Starwars Battlefront and cracking each other up. No one could make me laugh harder, no one understood me the way she did. Thinking about those times, it’s all I want, to just go back and sit and laugh with her again.

So today I was looking at some PC games, and saw Fable for sale. I debated buying it, and after a couple minutes, that nihilistic voice in my head cut in and reminded me, “You can get all the video games you like, it’s not going to bring your sister back.” I will say, this voice doesn’t pop up as often as it used to by large, but when it hits, it hits so hard, telling me, why try to distract yourself from your pain? Your pain is everywhere, it’s inevitable.” Pushing down these feelings is a constant and exhausting struggle. I’m trying so hard to strengthen my optimism, but I know there’s really just no end to the grief.