I'm not sure why I'm posting this here, but I think I just need somewhere to put my thoughts. No comments necessary. If you end up reading my long, whiny ramblings, thanks. 

I feel empty and broken. I never feel good enough. I feel like everyone would be better off without me and my struggles. I love my family so much -- they are my everything and the only reason why I get up most days. But they deserve so much more, and I'm at the point where I realize that I, too, deserve some peace and rest.

I'm exhausted from pretending I'm okay. I put on the face my family needs me to have on every day. My children deserve to see their mother happy and ready to help them take on the day's challenges. My husband deserves a wife that isn't falling apart every waking minute of the day. They deserve a strong mother who can help them -- not one that can't keep her shit together and constantly needs her own help. And if I can't keep this up, they deserve to have the positive memories I'll leave behind rather than the real me that's underneath what I present to the world.

I have it all. A loving and healthy family. A successful business. A warm and inviting home. But yet each day I wake up disappointed that I'm still alive. I spend most of my day with my thoughts racing mostly about death, and each night I go to bed secretly hoping I don't wake up the next day. It makes me feel guilty to have these thoughts, but there's nothing I can do about them. I'm tired of fighting my inner demons every night and fighting the impulses I have to finally quiet them. I don’t feel anything positive and don’t enjoy the things I used to. I remember enjoying things, but not why I enjoyed them. I go through the motions every day hoping to spark something inside me. I know I need to go out and experience things, but when I do I don't feel anything. Just more of the same emptiness. Is it wrong to want to close my eyes and simply have everything feel okay, for my mind to finally be quiet?

I've been told that I need to give things time and eventually everything will feel okay. To give my medication time to work and my brain time to heal. But those words are empty promises to me. I truly can't see this ever ending. I'm tired of taking medications that make me feel worse with no end in sight. I'm usually not one to give up, but I can't take it any more. It hurts so much. After a year of treatment, I’m not remotely better. I feel a little worse every day. Hell, I don’t even know what stability looks like. Honestly, I feel like the medications just make it all worse. I’m either too elevated or in the deepest hole of existence that seems impossible to claw out of. My brain is still so loud and nothing quiets it. I've stopped my meds to find out if the real me is underneath, one that can find joy in something and experience some sort of emotion again. But even that hasn't worked.

This can’t be what life is supposed to be. I can't keep living this way. Maybe there's something better waiting for me. At a minimum, my family will get to live a more comfortable and stable life. They deserve it. They might never understand my decision, but I hope they know that I didn't make it lightly or do it to be selfish. I just want to find some sort of peace and stop hurting so much.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading.