I have always struggled with insecurities regarding my appearance and sex appeal, and it was a source of some self-esteem issues for me. A couple years ago, my therapist suggested that I create a profile on a dating app like Tinder so I could receive external feedback from impartial people regarding my attractiveness. I thought it was a great idea, and my spouse approved. Given my bisexual inclinations, I also posted a profile on Grindr.

Although I got some attention from women on Tinder, men on Grindr were much more attentive. I got so much positive feedback. It really did have the desired effect of making me feel more secure about my appearance and sex appeal, at least in the short-term. But the feeling was fleeting, and so I kept coming back for more. Checking the app, and getting feedback that I was hot, became an addiction, and it got out of hand. I spent too much time on the app. To get more feedback, the photos I shared escalated from face, to torso, to, for some users, x-rated pics of my genitals.

I had concerns about showing my face in my profile photos at first. But the issue with this was that not showing my face detracted from the attention I received, and showing my face would always produce many more messages from people who would tell me that I'm handsome or something along those lines. And given that this attention was my ultimate goal, I let my face be seen, even at the expense of my reputation. At the time, I didn't care whether I was seen by people who might know me.

But now I feel that this was foolish. I am a college professor and a presumed heterosexual. I'm not out. At least once, I had an interaction with a student on Grindr. The person (I don't know who it was because I didn't have a photo) said I looked like his professor. I immediately blocked him. I try to avoid contact with students. But now at least one student knows, and I know that this is good material for gossip. And I can't be sure that I didn't send an x-rated pic to a student. I would have never intentionally done so. But it's not easy to know who is and is not a student, and I did not explicitly verify their student status before sending. And now I feel really paranoid, like everyone (colleagues and students) knows something about my sexuality that I wasn't ready to reveal, and that even my job may be in jeopardy if I unknowingly shared an explicit photo with a student. Whenever I talk to someone, I can't help but wonder if they know, and I feel some shame and embarrassment. For instance, one of my students mentioned the topic of infidelity as an academic subject, and I couldn't help but wonder if she knew. I feel like I'm just bracing myself for things to fall apart now, and am feeling pretty anxious.

In retrospect, this was a terrible idea, and I wish I found my validation in some other way, in a way that didn't ruin other aspects of my reputation. I don't know what to do now. FML.

Thank for listening.

TLDR: I'm a closeted bi professor who went on Grindr for validation, and now I'm worried that everyone knows, and that I may get fired.