in the past, i have exhibited a lot of toxic behaviours in romantic relationships and some close friendships. these behaviours mainly stemmed from my severe fear of abandonment, which i have only started acknowledging a couple months ago when i got my BPD diagnosis. before then, i had never questioned where my toxic behaviours originated from and i just assumed they were a consequence of my narcissistic traits. however, it took very little self reflection for me to realise these past mistakes and even though i didn’t entirely understand the cause until recently, i have never experienced any issues admitting them to myself. things were different in my most recent relationships which ended around eight months ago. i was convinced it was a very healthy and happy relationship on both sides. i had never felt so understood and cared for. i would even congratulate myself on not exhibiting those toxic behaviours i was so used to and i thought i had made so much progress as a person. however, my partner didn’t feel the same way. i don’t know how i could have been so oblivious, but he was unhappy. he broke up with me eight months ago but we haven’t been able to go our separate ways completely due to external factors. therefore we have had plenty of time to discuss our relationship and what he had to say honestly shocked me. he has told me he didn’t feel comfortable speaking up about his feelings because he would fear i’d overreact and upset him even further. he also expressed that he found he was being a victim of the silent treatment very often. when hearing this, i was just appalled. i have made some mistakes in our relationship and i recognise them, but i never understood the impact that behaviours i didn’t even notice had. now, unfortunately we have been both really struggling with recalling our memories (i think due to all this emotional stress), so it’s difficult to have a purely factual conversation. i am very worried that i am just extremely in denial about all the ways i hurt him. a few days ago he asked me whether i thought i emotionally abused him. he had brought this up in the past but always claimed he didn’t believe so. i am just so frightened that all of those behaviours that i was so oblivious to hurt the person i loved most so much. i had never felt that in love before, we had a lot of plans for the future and were both very serious about one another. i am terrified by the thought that my BPD is inherently abusive. by no means am i implying that every person with BPD is abusive, i extremely dislike that demonisation of mental illness. however, i am speaking from a very personal point of view. how can i ever have a happy and heathy relationship if i am not even aware i am hurting someone? i feel hopeless.