(F16) Hello. I'm new here and my native language is not English so I'm sorry if I say something wrong.

I think I really am at rock bottom.

Do you know when you feel that nothing has more effect on you? Not good or bad? My journey through depression got more intense at the end of last year, but it was far from terrible. At least I still enjoyed the little things.

In the past, I used to love reading, especially fantasy books. I screamed with happiness in my room to see sapphic couples having a happy ending on my favorite series. I was fun, communicative and loved going to parties. I was romantic and always had a secret crush on someone. Always super excited.

Over time, I became empty. And I hate myself for it.

I don't get excited about anything. And when it happens\[rarely\], I try to hang onto that thread of happiness because it's the only thing that makes me feel something. It always feels like it's going to last forever, but it doesn't.

I hate my looks, my personality in general too. 

Nowadays, I have zero concentration and motivation to read a book that I internally WANT to read, but I don't WANT to WANT to read. Do you understand?

Even my desire to have a relationship with someone or even sexual relations no longer exists. Like, nothing. Nothing at all.

I abandoned all my friends because I can't even hold a conversation with them. I can not. Nothing holds my interest and nothing seems to matter.

It's like I'm useless. I can't concentrate, I can't be more creative, I can't like anything, not anyone or even sex.

This years, a lot of times, I thought I was asexual (not that asexuality is associated with any illness, but I believe that a lack of sexual and even romantic attraction can be one of the symptoms of depression \[which is clearly not an isolated symptom and comes with many others\] for some people. ASEXUALITY IS VALID, just to make it clear). 

I am a person who was amazing and relatively happy and who is now living on autopilot.

And so I never went to therapy. I promised myself I would go, but I still haven't.

   

So, I know none of you are an expert, but I would like to know your opinion (based on your mental health life experiences) if you think I might have depression/anxiety?