I’ve been sitting and crying for the last one hour because I finally understand the cause (or one of the causes) of my anxiety. I have finally been able to put several events that have happened through out my life. Reddit is no replacement for therapy but I currently can’t afford therapy and would love to get this out.

I (23f) have lived with anxiety for as long as I can remember. A part of me feels like it’s part genetic and part socialisation. Why do I think it’s genetic? My mom is an overthinker and a worrier, she gets easily anxious and when she gets like that, the environment gets tense around the home, basically causing others to feel anxious. My brother and sister have some sort of anxiety but I’m not sure to what extent. My mom isn’t abusive or anything, she’s very loving and caring but I somewhat see her as emotionally fragile and easily rattled. Based on what I know about her and the events that happen in her life, she also seems to be a chronic people pleaser like myself. 

Moving on to how I was socialised. All through my early schooling days, I was bullied. From early elementary school all the way through highschool. It wasn’t continuous and it was by different people but I’m only just realising how significant these events are and how much they have shaped me. 

A little bit more about my background- I was born and bred in a third world country but grew up in an upper-middle class family. I was a really quiet child and mostly still quiet. As a result, I was praised a lot by adults for being obedient, following rules etc (words and phrases that I now detest). I was(am) relatively smart. Always got good grades and finished at the very top of the class. I think all of these factors contributed to why I was an easy target for bullying. 

I know this sounds super cliche and you’re probably rolling your eyes but I am honestly tired of feeling trapped and muttering the words I hate myself, I want to die, things would be better if I died. Although i don’t consider myself suicidal, I don’t know why I blurt out these things. It almost seems like I can’t control when I say it.


First occurrence of bullying was when I was about 7 or 8 years old, I remember starting at a new school and  this girl giving me directions on who to speak to and who not to speak to. I didn’t pay much attention because I honestly didn’t care. 

In that school, I ended up being best friends with this visually impaired girl in my class, we were the shortest in class so we were seat partners and we sat at the  front of the class. Due to her eye sight, she was taught separately and I would write her notes for her because she couldn’t keep up. The teachers liked me a lot because of the reasons I mentioned earlier and also because my parents were rich. As a result, a specific group of girls in my class hated me and would taunt me continuously. They would steal i and my friend’s note and hide it or tear it up. Other times they would sit behind us and basically douse us in cold water during break time. They hurled insults at me and accused my parents of bribing the teachers, I had a broom thrown at me one time amongst other things.

Anyway I left that school by faking an illness at home for weeks. I would wake up crying, coughing and pretending to be in pain . Eventually my dad figured that I didn’t want to go back to that school so I changed schools.

The next school I went to was the same, this time I was around 10 and the bullying I faced here consisted of exclusion, silent treatment for days, taking my lunch money etc. I  tried my best to get people to like me, said what I was supposed to say, tried not to cross boundaries and was basically “obedient”. However the person that was bullying me was my “close friend” who I couldn’t say no to.

I finally left that school and started high school. First few years of highschool was great until I turned 14 and was in senior high (according to the class system in my country). The bullying I faced in senior high was the worst. I actually wouldn’t even call it bullying. It’s more like abusive/toxic friendship. This girl (let’s call her A) who I was apparently best friends with is the most manipulative toxic person I have ever met till date. I had a best friend prior who A managed to ice out from my life. Although we’ve rekindled our friendship, A put us through hell while in high school.

A somehow somehow ended up as my “best friend” for the remainder of highschool. The worst friendship I have ever been in. This is where my people pleasing behaviour intensified. I walked on egg shells around her constantly as she would get mad about the tiniest things and not speak to me for days. I’d seen what she did to my former best friend so I tried my best not to get on her bad side. When she decided she wanted to be mad at me, I would be beg and beg her, telling her how sorry I am for doing basically nothing. Meanwhile she talked shit behind my back and called me all sorts of names. She also gossiped a lot and all our conversations were about other people. Many people hated her and hated me by association. They coined the name “monkey and the tail”. She was the monkey and I was the tail, followed her everywhere and did as I was told. Worst period of my life, I was a shadow of myself, I hated everything and basically lived like a zombie. I helped her do her assignments and neglected mine. Her grades went up while mine dropped massively . I went from being in the top 2 to dropping to the 11th position. Everyone in class noticed how bad the friendship was affecting me and even some teachers complained.

I hated them all for telling me to leave the friendship. I knew they were right but I felt trapped. I felt like I would die if I did otherwise. There were times I would miss school, especially during the weeks she was upset at me. She got upset for the stupidest things e.g for not telling her i was leaving or for not answering quickly enough when she called my name, or for spending too much time with other people and ignoring her. Because of this I became hyper sensitive, I made sure not to spend too much time with other people , always made sure I said hello and goodbye to her everyday etc 

The friendship ended after I graduated highschool. 

The events above have affected me tremendously especially with how I approach female friendships. I basically became a loner. I end any potential friendships before they even begin. The only female friends I have are those who I’ve been able to observe long enough to know that they aren’t threats or people with more laidback personalities like myself. Although I’ve always been quiet, I was/am very talkative with people I know. In fact my closest friends and family know that I’m not just talkative, I’m also a very opinionated person. I love being around people but the events of my life have made me very averse to socialisation. I can feel my social anxiety and my heart skip when I’m meeting women. My happiest moments are when I’m alone with little stimuli and little chance of upsetting anyone. Im now a chronic people pleaser who dims herself and waters herself down because I don’t want anyone to hate me or feel threatened 

In university, when I started sensing some animosity from my friends because I was always going to the library, I started to lie about my whereabouts.

My first year in college, I had an older roommate but I was so traumatised by my highschool experience that I hardly ever spoke to her. As a result she hated me and basically told her friends that I was a weirdo, (who can blame her). I ended up moving abroad for university though.

These days I feel like I’m living a double life. Although I have really close and loving friends, I feel like no one truly knows me. I don’t want anyone to think I see myself as being better than them (something I’ve heard a lot). This inauthenticity reflects in how I have conversations, the things I say etc. I am scared of doing better than others including my sister. Anytime I accomplish something, I would water it down and make it seem like it’s no big deal (I deliberately didn’t attend my university graduation and I don’t plan on attending my grad school graduation). I hate being in the spotlight, hate being flattered especially in front of other people, hate being praised in front of others, I basically just want to be invisible.  

I don’t want to ever feel the way I felt during those years where I was bullied. I had that feeling today and this is what triggered this rant. 

I always cower when I meet people with big personalities because I don’t want them to ever see me as competition which is why I’m more comfortable with quiet introverts like myself.

I am in graduate school and just started in person classes after a whole year of online learning. There’s this girl in my class with a big personality she’s also the same nationality as me. This past week, we talked and laughed casually in class, today I walked out the door after class and my heart dropped because I didn’t tell her that I was leaving. I immediately froze and ran back to tell her that I was leaving. Once she said goodbye, I felt relieved and walked home. However I couldn’t shake off what had happened, why did I feel that much fear and anxiety because I didn’t tell her I was leaving? That’s when I started to piece things together. 

I cannot live like this at 23! These experiences have significantly impaired the quality of friendships I’ve built over the years. I don’t know how to be vulnerable and I basically have never bared myself to anyone. I’m all of a sudden worried about how I would interact with this girl in my class over the next few months. I’m already worried about not stepping on her toes and not doing anything that would cause friction. She has not shown any signs of being problematic but my people
pleasing self has kicked in and I can’t shake the feeling.

I am tired of this life of hiding and pretending, of watering myself down and not letting myself be vulnerable, of being scared of judgement and criticism, of being over self critical and analysing every interaction for ways I may have offended the person I’m talking to. 

I AM TIREDDDD

My coping mechanisms include maladaptive daydreaming (dreaming about my ideal life and ideal self), spending extended periods of time alone, alienating myself, not replying texts because, constant communication is basically me commiting to a friendship. I don’t know how to commit in relationships. I don’t want to go through the heartbreak and emotional turmoil I went through from attaching myself to a person. 

I AM TIRED OF NOT LIVING A FULL LIFE