Hey all, IDK where to even begin the story is too long but I've been depressed since childhood &amp; have gone through odd, but multiple traumas in my life from a close family member wrongfully imprisoned (and law enfmt had spied on our family, including me which was very traumatic), to sexual assault (luckily not abuse but still horrific as a teen from 2 strange men--), I was religious but dealt with a lot of religious hypocrisy, I was told I likely have autism/possibly asperger's although I'm mostly good at masking it. I was unattractive growing up &amp; guys would say, "ew her." It hurt a lot as I never got to bud sexually, never partied, didn't drink, even prom no guy would go with me (even as a friend, including one guy who had no date to go with). In college, same thing--I studied all the time, was a big nerd, but had virtually no friends. On top of that I feel dysphoric about my body/gender, possibly because of all my experiences. My relationships have been extremely difficult, with me either getting too close, or keeping too much distance, and always dating other people with mental illness. There were times I was so lonely and depressed, and had gone weeks or months without seeing any friend, so I'd spend almost every weekend at the cemetery talking... to dead people. I'm spiritual so I believe they can hear, but it makes me very upset to think that it got to that.  


Then I loved a guy a lot who was bipolar, and I finally felt life was looking up as we hiked and camped and smoked weed and were like 2 peas in a pod. And he respected no sex til marriage (despite me REALLY wanting to do more with him). But it wasn't a super solid thing. I got injured in a ski accident and was basically paralyzed and in extreme 10/10 pain for almost 2 years with little hope of recovery. Despite not having sex anyway, our little bit of sexy times basically halted as it was painful to move almost at all and I was in constant survival mode (I had to crawl to the bathroom for much of that time). But my bf was in a long hypomanic episode and couldn't be there for me when I needed it most--he tried, I could tell, but his own bipolar was taking a toll. Instead he dropped out of grad school to be a ski bum  (I'd no longer go with him to the mtn), but without a job he moved in with me. Long story short, tensions arose and we broke up and I'm still extremely hurt by it 'til this day as he begged me to not end it as he "wasn't himself" and was in an episode he said. Then when I was making a miraculous recovery and running again, I was hit by a car last year and sent to the ER. I was laid off during COVID, cycled through a couple more jobs, got fired from another one (1st time in my life, just for whistleblowing). I can't catch a break. I have a new bf now, but I still shake and sob if someone brings up my ex because I loved him but we grew apart after my injury. I'd never been hurt so bad by a man.  


It's too much to bear. I've been to multiple therapists and it just doesn't help. I'm just tired. It's been one struggle after another, almost always alone. The worst feeling of all that makes me just want to not exist is that throughout all these years I believed I'd find love and friends and hobbies. But instead, every hobby I've been stripped of, my relationships have all been dysfunctional and unhealthy, and the pent-up sexual desire I was so excited to get out when married now seems to have deflated into bitterness and sadness all around. Even my bf who loves me a lot now, I just want to push him far away. He's had about 60 partners, one night stands, bf's, gf's, swinging, sex with married women, couples etc. He's a very loving and loyal guy (also with bipolar), but IDK if I can handle all his sexual background given the issues I have myself...