Edit: If you bother to read my shit day, please dont judge me too harshly - I'm trying to express in no small way the many different faces I am in, and the contradictory nature - am I really going to smash a laptop over the head of my only friend who has nothing just to spite him? no - I'm in pain from thinking he's abusing me by not being interested and its making me think that that behaviour is justified. the thoughts make me angry. the anger makes me seek more anger. this illness is all about paradoxical and confusing interprations of the world and the conflict it wreaks on the victims life. Yes you will see things in here and think I'm an asshole. I'm not. Im very moral and I try very hard. I've given money to tramps, helped a man who was attacked and not lashed out at anybody the whole day. Read a few responses earlier and am defeated and in pain now, pain in chest. I'm going to go and chill and man-up. before you think I'm an asshole, have some compassion and remember teimes you've felt this way and were'nt meaning to be an asshole.

Walked out hotel, decided to do laundry.

Go to hospital, check in, wait for hours finally get seen. little boy keeps staring at me and at my ring. my whole 'look' screams drug-scene-man. I'm not on drugs or in a scene.

a woman is complaining there have been lots of people going in before her - I explain that they told me 4 people ahead of me,  and 15 have gone in already - the doctor cuts me off and tells me to go to room 7 - fuck... its gonna be one of those days. I realise he is going to dismiss me, refuse to listen etc. send me away. I'm ready to lash out and know how this is going to go.

I explain the situation to him, I probably have BPD but I've never been diagnosed because daignosis takes too long, I probably have Fibro but it takes too long, I have the symptoms of both very clearly, I have had a terible last 4 days, my ex's memory is tortuing me, I think of her every second of every hour and not heard from her in 6 months. I'm not at risk of suicide but it is within reach the last 4 days. right now I'm okay. please dont see my calm exterior as a sign nothing is wrong. I have a fulltime job, but I've been off sick. I've had a blow-up with my parents so am living in a shit hotel. when I'm gripped by an episode I will rip my skin with my nails, tear my face, gouge with anything to hand, but my self-harm is pretty crap compared to most peoples - very superficial and surface deep, no impressive scars, and mine is not premeditated, it is always during an insane over-boiling of emotion. when these emotional rages come I cannot get out of them. that is why I left my parents. he talks about medication, I tell him Im not really interested, and Im not interested in therapy or whatever it doesnt work. He asks what do I want? 

I explain that its very possible I'll have another episode so I'd like to prepare by finding out what protective facilities and help is available in this area and so they have some information in their system. he explains the system is compelte jizz and run by private companies and they cant really share info, but he can access some info like...

&lt;he access my info&gt; - hey yes, you have been diagnosed in 2013, look - WHAT!? 2013.. schizotypal personality disorder. WTF !? they diagnosed me and never even fucking told me... I didnt even know until today. HEY! I'm not a FAKE bpd anymore!... I wonder which doctor put that in... cool

He's concerned and very happy I don't want meds and sends me away with a prescription for 6 valium to control any moods in future. ok... that wa unexpected, not only have I been believed, I've been confirmed, and been given free drugs!... I'm not going to take advantage of this and this guys actually been really helpful and I know what number to call if I get in difficulty now, and he even explained how all hospital units where we are have a 24hour psychological team 

Boy did I get the prediction he would dismiss me wrong...

So I go to collect my laundry...

Theres a man the looks like a junkie being yelled at by another guy brandishing a set of keys like a weapon to leave the f*ing place

I walk on, theres a car really close behind a bicycle, beeping, the passenger opens the door and shouts "get out the way you stupid f*ing p*k" - bicycle man says something like "I have right of way, you dont have a right to shout at me" or something - big mistake in this area... here... this place is more law of the jungle than law of the land - the car rams into the back of him throwing him off his bike into the street and speeds away. a crowd gather then quickly disperse. this is the kind of place you can get stabbed if you inform, so I write my name and phone number and go back to him and hand him it and say if you need a witness... and quickly leave before anyone sees me.

I walk into the chicken shop next door, then go home to cash in my prescription. its been a good day. 

The prescriptions gone. I stand in the pharmacy saying ... shit! Im sure I have a prescripton.. shit... where is it, I look as I mentioned earlier like a drug-scene-man although I'm not (black jeans, black faux-leather jacket, unhealthy but resiliant) - she asks what the prescription is for and I explain 'Valium' ... of course I look *exactly* like a drug-man trying to talk diazepam from a pharmacy and she quickly tries to say the shop is closing in 5 minutes. (substance abusers are notoriously creative in figuring out ways to manipulate drugs out of people). 

Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck... I walk back to hotel, change my top to a hooded top so I dont get recognised as 'that snitch', change my posture and expression to happy/upbeat so that they wont register im the same guy. 

retrace my steps. the chicken shop... where i was sitting is now a gang of youths. I have to start looking around their feet for my prescription - asking the shopkeeper loudly if he's seen a prescription I dropped 20 minutes earlier so the youths know I'm not a narc and what I'm doing - it doesnt take much for guys like this to feel under threat and attack. 

as though to illustrate this point, they spot a tall polish drug dealer over the street who must owe them or have an order for them or something because they dash to the door and he raises his arm and gives some taunting gesture and then starts running and they bolt after him down the road. 

meanwhile I look like a fucking down-and-out getting rained on in a white hooded top running around these dirty streets in a rough area looking for a prescription. I go to the laundrette, they not seen it. I then start retracing my steps.... fuckkk...

I suddenly think of my ex (this happens all the time) but this time I imagine her showing her 'ahem' to some other man, and suddenly... my heart... my body.. blood. boiling, I'm shaking ugh, *divert* *distract* *distract* over and over ... fuckkkkkk. .... I know this is *very* dangerous ... I actually need that valium... if I go back and explain to the hospital I 'lost' 6 valium... they will think I'm trying to extract more drugs... but I need them... what the fuck am I going to do...

THERE IT IS... my diazepam prescription folded up in the middle of the pavement... soaked in rain... how it survived around this area I have no idea... anyone could have cashed it in for free valium. thats valuable here. I run happily like a methadone addict whos just scored a hit - and probably looking like one too to the nearest big-pharmacy and get to the desk and proudly start to unroll my prescription, trying very hard not to look like a junkie huddled out over his prize-stash

The woman on the counter is looking at me like she cant tell if I'm a junkie... I kind of understand why... I sure look and act like one... I very carefully peel the soaking prescription apart and giev it to her - she takes it to her boss, I think they think I'm "one of those people" but they have to serve me. I'm actually not one of those people... not yet... I think.

I go up to the cafe upstairs in the supermarket. the woman makes a cappucino so overflowing it needs a trowel or something to level it off... I'm mentally ill and I wouldnt make a cappucino like this.

Meanwhile a crazy old woman is trotting up and down the tables leaning literally about a foot backwards, and with her head leant so far forward her neck is almost horizontal, babbling about god knows what... I think to myself... why dont they explain to this lady how shit her posture is and encourage her to align it... I sit thinking of ways to explain to her how shit her posture is in a nice way. She literally looks like a goblin.  When I say they... she seems to have too social workers with her.

I get back with a spring in my step and 6 valium in my backpocket. There is a woman outside in the street and asks directions to my hotel - I explain hey I'm going there now, its here look, I've not been through this entrance before. It looks like I'm taking her down a tunnel to rob her.

Theres a tramp in the tunnel he shouts any change? I shout back does this get to the hotel? he says yes just over there - I throw him a few coins and say thanks - he says thanks. I explain to the woman that this actually is the front entrance and the hotel looks like a fucking dump, I tell her if you can go to X hotel next door. 

She says she's been sent her by social services,so cant choose her hotel. interesting. so this is probably where they send people in trouble, which explains the judgemental attitude of the staff now.

She seems to warm to me and Im in an 'up' mood... I've been successfully evading the anger and pain for 4 days now, and finally it doesnt have a grip on my mood anymore, I seem almost friendly. I sense the woman is probably attracted to me and might be looking for some grim-situation-free-romance ... what am I even thinking? she's kind of big, but... what am I even thinking?... fairly sure I could easily get her if I wanted and I'm probably lonely if I bothered to face it .but... what am I even thinnking? .... 

Come back to my room and put the finishing touches to the google-review I'm writing that is going to skewer the hotel-staff that have been so judgemental and made me feel like shit when I came in here in turmoil 4 days ago (read: they were a bit suspicious probably because I looked like a wreck). Boy are they going to get f*kd.

Then sit and fantasize about how I'm going to threaten / disown my 'only friend' who hasnt met me in over 6 weeks even tho I've been asking, and I've been chcking facebook every day. Do I threaten him with some comedy violence? do I break the small laptop I leant him that he relies on because he's got hardly anything and been kicked out of home and has no job? so its clear I dont even need the laptop, I'm just breaking it to fuck him over.. do I just say "hey bro... you havent been there for me... you ... kind of let me down" (understating what someone has done to you is often much more effective than going wild, which makes it obvious you have a problem). Why am I even doing this? why am I planning to hurt my last friend? is he my firned? does he hate me? why hasnt he spoken to me? he did speak to me on saturday and said "let me know when youre free dude - we meet up" ... but I did let him know.. and he's radio-silenced me... 

What if he's just got problems... I have no idea he might have reasons he's not replied... I havent really reached out that much, I was more psychicly hoping he'd understand the desperation in my message ... I'm also plannig a really nice day with him - we go out, I take him to gym to try to spur him on to get a job - he lives 2 minutes from the gym. its been sunny recently - we can walk around town chatting about whats holding him back from the job, steps he can take to skill-up... is this all because I asked him 6 weeks ago if it was okay to hit on his ex? he went apeshit... but the point was... I didnt know that he cared about her... and *asking* actually *is* respectful and responsible. Obviously I facebook-added her recently just to fuck him up, so he'd see we are now friends... why am I such a cunt?... I did it because he's blanking me... I was an asshole because I'm so lonely and want to get attention. I wouldn't actually go near her now that I know he would be upset. I'm not a total c* ... just a broken manipulative asshole who is trying to defend against different realities ... none of which I can tell which is real...

Why am I considering breaking a laptop over his head, dragging him out the room by his neck and nice days in the sun where we walk around town joking about the different shops and adverts and bascailly having a great time... 

all of the last few paragraphs is a spiral of hidden-anger. I have dropped it. He has really fucked me up in not replying to me, but there may be a legitimate reason - the real facts if I detach is...
- I am lonely
- He is one of my only friends round here
- He might have legitimate reasons to not contact me
- He might be very busy or just have his own shit

the pain is starting to wear off and today has been much reduced thanks in no small part to not sleeping much, furiously avoiding negative sprirals (especailly when a phsyical reaction occurs).
If I continue this way, it won't be long beore I'm well enough to even befriend a few people... when you calm down and are not angered for a long time, your personality changes and becomes much mighter and likeable. It took me decades to discover this. Its why I advocate to people so much avoiding the painful/angry times.


There's nothing truly good or bad in the world, but only our thinking that makes it so.

