and it turned out okay. ♥️ 

i talked to my girlfriend about something that i'd been lowkey going internally insane over, and its been escalating for the past week. my behavior, personality, all of it was off, I'm usually really cheerful but I'd been progressively more stilted and avoidant and just. gf realized something was wrong and poked me to communicate and I ended up just. letting it all out at once

talking abt it was raw, visceral, at first i felt vulnerable and in physical pain and cringing at myself for saying what I was saying. opening up about the insecurity and instability and emotional volatility just feels like something I'm not supposed to do, anything that feels like going "full BPD" feels dangerous to talk about and relationship-ruining.

but then I realized she was still there with me through all of it. she sat with me and it all just. stopped hurting and I could just feel and process and even when the bad feeling storm was gone, she was still there and it all just felt right. i realized in that moment that i was fully me for once in my life and not only that, but being me was completely okay. there wasn't anything repugnant about just \*being\*. finally.  

even with her good reaction, i still thought that me talking abt heavy stuff like that had ruined the mood for the night and that she'd definitely be exhausted from dealing with me, but she proved me wrong almost immediately afterwards and took me barhopping downtown for the whole night and it was literally the most. Worthwhile. I've ever felt in my entire life. And it stuck. I still feel that way, it wasn't just temporary. It feels like a permanent recovery milestone. The idea that I'm not just a burden, that someone can actually want to be around me through all of it, the whole whirlwind of emotions. I feel healed. I feel safe. I feel human and at ease and worthy of love and care. 

i'm not sure if this post makes any sense or if im just out of it. im in that whirlwind of not having Any Idea What's Happening bc everything about last night feels like a bizarro world compared to the reality my unhealthy coping mechanisms and traumagenic cognitive errors created in my head, and all of a sudden im shedding them and its SCARY but there's also that feeling of pure joy and euphoria and worthiness and love and validity and aaaaaaaaaaaaa I just. needed to share. I hope it's okay and doesn't break any rules. Thank you for reading, I love you all