I think this is actually at the root of a lot of my issues. I’m constantly internally conflicted because it seems like my core personality, the traits I seem to default to when I’m not actively thinking about it, I just don’t like them. I feel like I simply can’t allow myself to be happy, because I might become complacent and stop training myself out of the traits I hate so much. 

I just hate who I’ve been in the past, before I started trying to alter myself to be more in line with how I want to. I used to be frustratingly irreverent, I took nothing seriously, I constantly made jokes, I was grossly over-confident but with absolutely nothing to back it up so it always felt like pathetic over-compensation to me. Even the music I used to listen to was different, my playlists used to sound like a Deadpool soundtrack, stuff I’d never be caught dead listening to now.

I’ve always had C-PTSD, and I don’t think I’ve ever not been at least a little depressed, so I still used to have periods where this other side of me would come out. Much more stoic, humourless, fiercely independent, no real interest in people at all, completely unshakeable. Even back in high school I used to have days where I’d go completely non-verbal unless it was absolutely necessary for me to speak, which confused the hell outta people around me since I was usually the highest energy kid in the group, typical class clown type. Or on those days, I just wouldn’t go to school if I could get out of it, which I often could. 

But I think when I truely decided to start actively disowning my personality was about three years ago, the first time I ever felt something resembling love for another person. A girl I worked with. We became pretty close friends pretty quickly, we had a natural chemistry I guess. I’m used to people being drawn in by me when I’m “healthy”, but not quite the same as that. Anyway, she inevitably became one of very few people who saw both sides of me and I didn’t immediately push away. But I remember one night, when I was in the middle of a particularly deep depression and she sent me a drunk text. She told me that she loved me (platonically) and that I made her genuinely happy when I was “myself”. I guess reading that made me think to myself that I’d rather never be liked by anyone again, than be liked for the things I hated about myself.

Since then I’ve always tried to suppress what I guess is my natural personality. I’ve had a few slip ups, one night I remember getting very drunk and almost crying in front of another girl while telling her I hated myself. She actually seemed to like me more for that too, which makes me feel a little sick to think about now. But at this point, it’s almost entirely suppressed. Mostly I achieve it by actively keeping myself angry, which isn’t hard, I have a lot of experiences to pull from. But my core personality is weak, my C-PTSD makes me kinda scared around others. I skip making jokes when they pop into my head, I don’t laugh, I don’t have “fun”, I don’t go to parties, I barely speak at all and when I do, it’s short and blunt.

I even vehemently control my physical appearance. I work out for at least an hour every day no matter what and eat the same exact food every single day to both to ensure that if someone observed my routine they’d see an incredible amount of self-discipline and so I stay looking strong and muscular, so even my physical appearance doesn’t make people think I’m weak. I also stopped hiding my self harm scars since it feels like it adds to a “tough” visual exterior and pushes people away who don’t want to handle someone who’s done that before they even say hi.

But I guess it’s just frustrating in a lot of ways too. I respect myself a lot more now, but the trade off seems to be that I’m the only person who prefers me like this. I guess it’s fine, because ultimately if it comes down to being accepted or having self respect, I’ll choose my self respect every time. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t pretty isolating at the same time.