

In my life, I’ve never had close friends offline, which is why ever since I was young I’ve resorted to the internet. A long time ago, I met someone on tumblr, and i immediately felt jealous of him. 

He was a great artist, and all of his pieces made sense. He was white, older than me, and richer than me. He was transgender (ftm) and his parents were supportive. He got to go to art school (he gave up soon afterwards) while I never got to pursue my passion for art. He didn’t help his parents out financially while all my life my parents have parentified me. However, we somehow got along, and over the years became very close friends. I am now 17, and he is 19. I’ve always felt jealous of him and how better than mine his life is. The oddest thing is that he is still friends with me. My friendships would never last more than a few weeks. He tolerates my behavior. But he uses me to vent about his life (which infuriates me). 

When we text, I always feel this absurd number of emotions: 
-I get extreme butterflies, but in a very bad way, they’re kind of a nightmare mix of excitement and an anxiety attack
-whenever he says something wrong or off to me I feel ridiculously angry, I feel the need to tell him how much of a loser he is, how dumb he is ect.
-when he compliments me, I get extremely happy, I always cry when he does, but I feel so uneasy.

I’ve been working with a psychiatrist for  a long time, so I manage to argue as little as possible, but the anger, the anxiety and the overall intensity of everything I feel doesn’t go away. I’ve tried to cut him off, but I can’t stop thinking and stressing about him. 

How can I deal with feeling this way and is there a way I can stop ?