I’ve been with my partner for a while and we got engaged recently. Now that we’ve started the actual work of planning (calling vendors, putting down deposits, shopping around) I feel like my little BPD heart can’t handle it. I start to feel trapped in a small smothering box like I’m about to make the worst mistake of my life because all I can think about is how someday he’ll definitely abandon me, cheat on me, and divorce me, or how no matter what it’s definitely gonna end with him leaving me or deserting me. I’ve been through so much actual tangible abandonment in my life that my brain feels incapable of realizing that not everybody *actually* disappears even when I think they will. 

My fiancé is an upstanding man whom I love very much and has never been anything but faithful to me, but I get so fucking freaked out and obsessive about the thought of him leaving me that I end up trying to dump him in order to protect my own heart. Every time I get in my own head I convince myself it’s necessary to end the relationship even though when I get over these horrible bumps I realize I’d be devastated if he decided to leave. But I somehow can never rewire myself to stop doing it?!?

DAE have this problem of spoiling their own happiness? He’s the first good thing that’s happened in my life and it’s like I just can’t let it rest because I feel like it’s bound to implode, and I’m scared that soon he might find the end of his rope with me.