Do you know what it’s like to not know yourself.
To change everyday.
To change hour by hour. Minute by minute.
To want something you can’t have and then let it immobilize you for hours when you don’t get it? 
Or have thoughts, endless thoughts disable, I say absolutely immobilize you for hours… feeling like you can’t move. You can feel your head - that’s obvious because who doesn’t with these racing thoughts, the rumination, the pain, the guilt, the fucking emptiness. But your body? I know I don’t feel it in these states, or for that matter these days. It leaves me numb. 

I’m hurting those I love. I’m aware of it. That’s what hurts most is that in the moment I don’t know what I’m doing, or don’t know how I’m hurting those I love. But reflecting on it after, seeing or hearing their reactions. It destroys me. 

I’m trying to be mindful. To practice meditation. I’ve reached out to my doctor my psychiatrist and my old psychotherapist. I just can’t go on like this anymore. 

PS - a great song: Present Tense by Pearl Jam