I’ve had intense unstable relationships since at least second grade from what I can remember. I’ve always had one “best friend” that I’ve been completely fixated on, until high school and college where I started realizing I was probably in love with them. I have a really long history of just making someone else’s personality into my personality, and so I don’t think I’ve truly “existed” as a person maybe ever. I know it’s a personality disorder, and it’s largely who I am, but it’s weird to think how unlikely it is that any of the pain I’ve experienced could ever have been prevented. I’ve always had distorted beliefs due to both bpd and ocd, and I’ve always had warped perceptions about people and their actions and intentions. I don’t know why I’m the way I am, but it’s really painful to experience, and I wish I was better at accepting that I’ve done the best I can with the thoughts and beliefs I’ve had. Last year I had the worst relationship of my entire life, and I can’t stop blaming myself and distancing myself from people. It’s a very strange, lonely, and painful existence. I don’t understand it.