Me and my ex were together for 3 years. Sometimes he was so immature I was miserable with him ( baby talk, not acting like an adult, this sounds mean but he wasn’t intellectually smart like me) and to top it off he was talking to people online on hookup sites. I had wanted to break up with him so many times it brought me to tears because he disgusted me yet I still felt like I “ loved” him. Out of anger so many times I was violent towards him. He was verbally abusive to me only when I would find out he was on dating websites. I feel like what he did was shitty, and he WAS childish… but I feel like he deserved better then me. I was so disgusted with him for a few months. Now I have the worst feeling of abandonment because he has moved on. Why does it feel like he was so perfect now. Why do I feel like he’s the one when he did shitty things to me occasionally, and for years on end I was so annoyed with his childishness. Now that he has moved on I’m losing my mind, lashing out. Trying not to be crazy but he keeps blocking me and I just try to call him other ways. I hate him. He’s seeing other people. Why am I so possessive over someone who TRIED to fix things with me but  I WALKED AWAY FROM THEM. I don’t understand it’s like I want him so bad but when he tries I don’t want him. But when he also moves on I can’t handle being without him. I hate this feeling, it happens everytime. It’s like I’m more in love with people when they’re gone, when they’re someone I can’t have. And when i do have them it’s like they lose their value . It’s so heartbreaking. my heart is so tired.