Hi everyone, I do not suffer from BPD, but I am fairly certain my best friend does.  Full disclosure, he has been diagnosed (and struggling with) ADHD for some time. He has mentioned to me the possibility that he is bipolar and vaguely referenced "other diagnoses," but has not disclosed what they are or might be.  He is a survivor of significant childhood trauma, and his behavior seems consistent with BPD. I have read extensively about BPD (not just all the awful stuff out there, but the good stuff including academic research and a lot of this forum).  I am not asking anyone here to help diagnose my friend, just giving background.  If he does have BPD, I feel like he is working on recovery, which is great!

There has been some significant tension in recent months relating to our friendship and living arrangement (we are housemates).  Being honest, the tension and feeling like he was shutting me out/pushing me away had my feelings pretty hurt, but after reading about BPD I feel like I have a framework to understand what he is going through.  The possibility that he might have BPD doesn't scare me or make me want to run away, it makes me feel like there is hope that I can support him and the two of us can chart a path forward.

However, the big sticking point is that I don't know how to communicate with him in a way that won't upset/scare him/cross his boundaries.  I don't need to assert that I believe he may have BPD, as I am not his healthcare provider.  What I do want to communicate to him is that he is my best friend, I love him and I am am trying desperately to better understand him, and want to support him on his journey. I need him to be comfortable communicating his needs to me (a big problem for him) and for him to have faith that when he does communicate his needs, that they are important to me.  However, I also need to let him know that my needs and boundaries are important too.

Any advice you can give about how to approach this conversation is greatly appreciated.