Tomorrow is my birthday and I've been wanting to get an iPad to draw, since the iPad is around 1200$ and 500$ used and im currently an unemployed illustration student, i was planning to have a birthday gathering with my relatives because they tend to give cash gifts, on top of trying to open art commissions to be able to buy the iPad. I cant plan the gathering in the end bc of covid related reasons. 

First one of my close friends offered to help me pay for it and now my dad is offering to pay for it, brand new, so 1200$. spent on me. Any other person would feel  grateful and extremely happy about it but i just feel like shit and so so guilty.

1200$ is maybe not a blow to his bank account but it is something that will have to make him accommodate certain costs if he does buy it. I dont know why anyone would offer to spend that much on me, especially when he was so angry with me yesterday for something unrelated. I wish that I just handnt mentioned the iPad at all. 

&amp;#x200B;

And its just all so ridiculous, I'm crying my eyes out and feeling miserable and guilty because im POTENTIALLY receiving a gift when other people have actual serious and grave problems. And feeling guilty just makes me feel even more guilty, like fucking hell its  a 1200$ gift i should be pumping my fucking fist in the air and singing not crying like an asshole. I just dont deserve a lot of the kindness I get and i hate being in the receiving end of that because it just reminds me of /how/ much I dont deserve it. 

Anyway this was just rambly and stupid im sorry if someone read this lol.