This is going to be a somewhat long story but I really need to get it off my chest. To start this off: my therapist does suspect I have BPD but I never got an official diagnosis. However, I match all the symptoms and probably the most severe aspect for me is the obsessive patterns I go through. I know for sure obsessing over things is a core symptom of BPD. People with BPD tend to obsess over things and move on from one interest to another. But I also have OCD so this could be part of my OCD as well. Anyway, you know that feel when you become obsessed with something/someone and it becomes your entire life? It's happened to me many times but one obsession in particular almost killed me.

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Back in 2017, I discovered a band that I really connected with, emotionally. Being a huge music lover, I quickly became very enthusiastic about this band. I listened to their entire discography, watched all the interviews, watched all the backstage footage I could find, read many books about the band, and so on. It was just a matter of time until this band would become my entire universe.

But something in particular really caught my eye. The lead singer. He was so beautiful, so pure. His voice would pierce right through my heart. I started looking up everything I could find about him. When I found out about his tragic life and early death, I started obsessing over him even more. I would have dreams about meeting him in heaven, hugging him and befriending him. I started crying over him every single day. I would listen to the band's saddest songs and cry myself to sleep while listening to his voice.

I did so many crazy things while obsessing with this person I never got to meet. I almost dropped out of college because I skipped too many classes in order to stay at home and listen to my favorite band. I stopped going out, all I did was listen to music and googling stuff about the band. I stopped eating and drinking properly. I remember back in 2018 when my mom finally agreed to get a puppy - owning a dog has always been my biggest dream - yet I almost turned it down because I was scared I was going to love the puppy more than I love my favorite artist and this realization crushed me. I didn't want to love anything more than this. This was all I cared about. I felt like I was not allowed to care about anything besides my favorite artist. 

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Fast forward to 2019 - the obsession was stronger than ever. I started ignoring my best friend - who I used to be super close to - because I was afraid that our relationship was going to ruin my love for the band. I was scared that I loved my friend more than this band and it felt super wrong. I felt like I needed to put all my feelings into this band that I loved and nothing else could distract me from it. This is where things started degrading even more. I became obsessed with the topic of death and suicide and I somehow started believing that if I killed myself, I would meet my favorite singer in the afterlife. Now, normally, I don't believe in life after death, but this time I was fairly convinced there has to be more than this. I couldn't cope with the fact that the absolute best person in this world was dead and I couldn't do anything to bring him back, so I started believing in an illusion. I made plans to overdose on my SSRI because all I wanted was to join my favorite person in the afterlife and I was somehow convinced this would be the only outcome.

I took my pills and went for a walk in the forest. I sat down and looked at the sky. I was ready. I unpacked my pills and took a deep breath. But something just clicked in that moment and I snapped. Just before ingesting the pills, I remembered about my dog and how I was going to break his heart because he wouldn't understand why I left him. I immediately gave up on my plan and went back home.

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A few days ago I realized that I no longer enjoyed the band's music the way I used to and that the obsession was starting to fade. I don't know what happened - most obsessions have a shell time, but it was probably burnout as well, because I listened to this band more than I've ever listened to anything else. Anyway, this is how it all ended. I'm still here and I managed to come back to my senses after 3 years of being completely delusional. Not sure what I want with this post, I guess I want you guys to know that there is hope. I was so close to dying because of this obsession that took over my life and now I'm doing so much better. Please never give up. Life is worth fighting for.