All of my acts feel so insignificant. Like nothing matters. It's not that I would car if it mattered either. I dont care about anything. Myself. My life. Anyone. I do mean anything. I could murder someone. Cut them up into little pieces. And I'm not sure it would bother me. I wouldn't blink. It wouldnt scar me. I would have no problem doing it. I know where I'm going to end up. In large part because I know my potential. I'm going to end up as a homeless drug addict. Though sometimes i do suffer from delusions. Not the paranoia or psychotic delusions I sometimes suffer from. I sometimes think hidden in the depths of of my fucked up mind is something great. Something unique. But those are just delusions. I have many things I could talk about. My sick attractions. Rape and pedophilia. Even worse things sometimes turn me on. What if you cut someones leg in half, slid out their bone, and fucked the hole that it left. I bet it would feel good. Isnt that a turn on? It's not that I want to be attracted to these things. I know they're sick. They disgust me as well. I didnt choose this. I was born like this. I could talk about my anxiety. How much it control my life. Or ny sadness. And how much that controls my life as well. All of my trauma. So many horrible things that I will never speak about. But I guess I'll talk about my demon. Because that seems relevant. Theres something horrible inside me that could potentially encourage me to commit these acts. Though I've surpressed that part of me. He was free when I was a child. And he still comes out at times of extreme anger. Thing is, I sometimes anger very easily. Especially when I fixate on my past. My traumas. When they're running through my mind. Hopefully nobody even slightly bothers me in those moments. Sometimes that wont even be the case though. I'll just be doing something. Somebody will be walking around. Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Their feet. It annoys me heavily. Bothers me. Frustrates me. In a matter of seconds that can build up to an insane reaction. Extreme anger. Extreme action. I have a problem. Like the. Blackouts. Maybe I shouldn't call them blackouts. Because I dont black out. There is just times where I do bad things that I don't remember. For example, apparently one time I flooded the school bathroom. They questioned me. Punished me. But I could not recall what happened in those moments. Sometimes that demon comes out and i enjoy doing things like that. Evil things. Even when I'm not angry it could happen. Though when I'm angry a dark side of me shows. As a child I remeber my brother doing something to me, I chased after him. He ended up hitting me multiple times with a board. It didnt phase me. I dont seek to feel pain in that state. I just push. Usually with the intention of doing something bad. Then theres other states. Like that one time my brother found me in the woods. I ran away. It was night. Coyotes were around me. When he found me he said my eyes were black. I think that changed him a bit. I dont remember half of that night. Another blackout. We can talk about all the times I've threatened to do horrible things to people. I meant it in that moment to. My family is scared of me. Everyone is scared of me. Even people I've never talked to. I think it's because of my expression. Well I'm done writing for now. I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out. Goodbye.