Welp, I just had to end things with somebody that I've been dating and needless to say she hates me now.  I did everything right, but it still doesn't make anything right.  I'm still the bad guy in her book.  Even though I did everything by the book.  I used all of my DBT skills.  I did everything my therapist told me to do.  I did my best and gave it my all.  It still wasn't enough.  

All of this has made me realize that I just can't handle people being disappointed with me.  Not even a little bit.  If I let you down, even just a little, I've failed as a human being.  If you're not happy around me 100% of the time, I've failed as your partner.  I absolutely cannot handle any amount of rejection.  

In my stupid eight year old brain If I disappoint you than that means you're going to abandon me again.  That I'm not worthy of your love, your attention, or being cared for.  That I'm going to be left alone again.  That you hate me.  

Even now, even being emotionally intelligent enough to figure all this out.  To look back at myself and see exactly what is going on... I still can't stop this train.  I can't stop spiralling.  I can't help myself.  

FUCK BPD.