tw: self harm mention

I (25 F) have never been able to stay in relationships for long, current relationship is my longest at a whooping 2ish months. My partner (26F) loves me so much but lately (past week or so) I’ve started to push her away bc I’ve been super depressed, don’t understand why she loves me, don’t understand why anyone would love me, don’t want to be cared for, can’t handle intimacy. Today we spent all day together at my apartment and she was trying so hard to take care of me as I slept and cried on and off and barely smiled or made any effort to be present and by the end of the night I think I was saying hurtful things just in an attempt to push her away. I told her I didn’t understand why she’d want to spend time with me. I said some things I’m not proud of and I almost don’t care because I just want her to go away so I can be by myself again. Before this round of depression I was super happy with her, we were always hanging out and doing fun things together, it felt fulfilling but I’m feeling pretty impulsive and want to just end it all like I always do. She deserves a hell of a lot better than me, that’s for effing sure. She deserves to be loved by someone who can love her fully and all the time. She should get off this roller coaster of being with me while she still can. I told her I’m not used to people being around me while I’m depressed, I usually go it alone. I’m feeling terrible and guilty and I want to hurt myself but I can’t because if she doesn’t break up with me she’ll see my body again eventually and get worried about me and she has a history with self harm and I don’t want to trigger her. But if it weren’t for her I would. Because I deserve pain right now, I don’t deserve love.