hi all. i’ve had a bp2 diagnosis since early 2021 (misdiagnosed for many years, woof) but had not experienced a full blown destructive, delusional manic shit storm until this spring due to a series of trauma-related triggers. basically spent march to august in a total fugue state and am experiencing the crushing fall out on the other side. during my psychosis i said and did so much cringe shit and flooded all kinds of people with embarrassing content and psycho babble. and i ruined treasured relationships in my states that cannot be repaired. like in minutes i feel like i destroyed years and years of trust, but also my dignity. the ways i acted were so out of character and i cannot believe this is the reputation i’m now left with. everything around me feels like a reminder of the life i ruined—my clothes, music, really any kind of media is an open wound. i can’t imagine returning to the only city that feels like home. it’s hard to engage with any of my old core interests because they’re so entangled in the shame and damages. i have been doing my best to confront these things head on and sit with the pain but it feels never ending. everything is so wrapped up in my life before and the people i shared love and commitments with. like i feel like it could be thirty years from now and i’ll still be keeping tabs on people i’m no longer in  relationship with  and that makes me feel even more desperate and ashamed. i have found no relief in strategies to help me
compartmentalize (scheduled time
for rumination, mindfulness, cbt)…literally non stop for weeks i wake up and my brain is an endless thought loop punishing me or wishing i could take it all back. thankfully i have family
support

could say a lot more about the parts about losing work and so on but the above has been so top of mind and any support helps.