TW: Mentions of self harm

I just found this journal entry and feel like some of you might be able to relate to at least a little bit of it. And to clarify, I'm not diagnosed with BPD, but I have speculations that I might have it. If this doesn't fit here, I'm so sorry! Just remove my post and I won't bother, lol.

   I'm not doing too well. My mental state is trash and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. I know that I have to if i want to get anywhere in life but it's hard. Why is it so hard? I don't even enjoy things anymore. I don't like video games anymore, I don't like cooking, crocheting, needle felting. I don't even like going on walks anymore. I haven't felt truly happy in God knows how long, and I hate it. I want my brain to function properly. Is that too much to ask for? I just want this to end.
 
   I realize that this all might sound concerning, but I'm not really suicidal. I don't think I couldn't ever actually kill myself. It's too selfish and I know my brother needs me. On the other hand, I accept death with open arms. If a truck were to come barreling towards me, or if a stray bullet were to hit me between the eyes, I wouldn't be mad or scared. I'd finally be able to rest. But that probably won't happen anytime soon. Anywho, I don't really know what to write about. I'll find something eventually. 

   I suppose I could write about what's wrong with me, mentally. I've already been diagnosed with depression, so that's nothing new. I've been dealing with it since I was 11. Wow, 7 whole years dealing with this shit show. Sometimes I feel like I'm bipolar. Not to self diagnose, but sometimes it really worries me. I get violent mood swings. What doesn't add up is that they can last anywhere between a few hours and a whole ass month. The tiniest things can also just send me into a fit of rage. And this isn't just rage, its horrible, unjustifiable anger that consumes me whole. I get so unbelievably angry it's almost heinous. I swear I can feel a pit of fire inside my chest when I get to this level of intensity of anger. I can't control this anger either. Once it consumes me, that's it. I do stupid shit and say abhorrent things that I don't mean. Really the only way I know how to stop this anger is by cutting, which I obviously don't really want to do. But in the moment it's all that I can think of. If it's not that then it's beating the shit out of something until my knuckles are bloody and bruised. 

   On the other side though, sometimes I get random bursts of energy and motivation. It usually only lasts a few weeks but it's better than nothing right? I feel like I'm on the top of the world when I get these bursts of energy. I also usually get a lot done. I actually take care of myself (hygiene wise), I do my chores, I do my homework, and sometimes I even exercise. But I also still do stupid shit. I drive like my father (recklessly as hell), I spend most of my money on things I don't need, I become a whore, and endless other stupid shit. I just want to be normal normal again. My current normal is just depression, I guess, I don't know. I've been in a daze for about 2 months now. Everyday feels the same. I think I'm done writing for today.