I don't think anyone is gonna read this but thank you if you do. I just need to scream into the void, I have no one else to go to. Long story short, my family has always found a way to make me and my sister feel bad about ourselves. From constantly when we were kids. Even when I got diagnosed with depression and no one was there for me except one of my sisters. Everyone else blamed me for what I was going through. My own mother just acted angry or passive. But I dealt with it, because that's life. And for the longest time I blamed myself because I thought it was my fault I was suffering, because no one but one person ever told me otherwise. For years this continued, my own mother and another sibling of mine would just ignore everything I was going through, calling me lazy and stupid and claiming I never did anything. They'd shout at me whenever I did try to defend myself. But instead it just made them angrier at me, I barely raise my voice. I consider myself to be a soft spoken person, I don't like conflict. But trouble keeps killing me on the inside and it follows me everywhere I go, in the form of family. 

This has all affected my poor older sister as well, I've always been the depressed one and she was always the stronger one, I'd always tell her to put herself first though. From when we were kids and our shit parents would fight in front of us, and later when my mom would take that anger out on us, specifically us two. Until that anger grew until she lost her compassion and empathy. Another sibling of mine (other sister) followed afterwards, she and our mother deserve each other. Just crazy uncaring people. Now a stupid fight in this family happens nearly every week, and I'm glad I have at least one person in this shitty life that I know will always understand me. Many people don't have that. It just sucks that we both have so much trauma from growing up and consistently being undermined every second of our lives to lesser than our family. She definitely has so much trauma she hasn't talked to with anyone else (she's thinking about therapy). Me and my sister laugh at how if we killed ourselves (we've both been there many times, but it'll just cause more trouble anyway) they would only be angry at how they were "there for us" and how we didn't listen. There isn't a heart in any of their bodies.

I'm just so tired and confused. Cause I've just been holding on to some childish hope that they could see everything from our sides. But I never got that sort of compassion from my own mother and my other sister (who's quite frankly much older than the both of us, yet acts like a child). Both of them antagonize us, my family especially loved to paint my sister as evil and mean. Yet she's never been anything short of empathetic and understanding. She gets mad at them because they don't listen to her, and then they get mad at me for defending her. Why wouldn't I defend the one person who ever bothered to listen to me when not even the rest of my family would? Now they've literally called my sister all types of things, my other sister threatened her. I can't believe it's Thanksgiving and this is happening. But it's not a surprise, our family hates us. She goes back to college soon, but I'm stuck at home. I'm scared I'll be left alone to deal with all this trouble. She's hurt and very traumatized, and I'm at levels of depression I was trying not to get back to. Both of us would love to leave this family, however I'm still in highschool and I can't live anywhere else. They hate us. And it hurts so much to have your own family antagonize and gaslight you to no end for years, so much to the point when you grow up and finally get fed up with them controlling you, they hate you for speaking up.

I've been trying to get better, I'm starting to think I never will. This is hell, if you've ever dealt with something like this, I hope it got better for you. I don't think it will for me.