CW: Eating disorder, abuse, self harm mentions. 

I dropped my baby Daddy this week. I've been desperately trying to recover as I am 8 months PP and pregnancy and birth induced a severe PPD/PPA in me that I have been managing but I am overstressed to the point that any regular person would crack. I can hold a lot together but this is a lot.

In short, he did nothing, I did all thing. I pay for everything, I take care of our son a vast majority of the time, i manage house and other errands. He is the sacred keeper of the Playstation. It's a very important job that requires long and late hours. He is an absolute hero for sacrificing his familial duties to do this thankless, financially draining job. A goddamn hero among us.

Last night I asked him to take our son over night. I've had him, alone, for days and needed a night off. He reluctantly agreed with every stupid excuse being thrown at me, and my disproving them all. So, he took him. 

I was so stoked. It was my FIRST NIGHT NOT CARING FOR THE BABY SINCE THE BABY WAS BORN. Guys, I'm a strong woman. I fought this fuckhead every step of the way and listened to his stupid excuses and lies and fucking hell I have broken. My anxiety is at all time high, I am cutting (moderated. Not ideal but controlled so it doesnt interfere with my parenting. I'm in contact with my doc), I have dropped 25lbs since April because I can only control my appearance right now, it's just a mess. 

So he barges into the apartment at 11pm. I am asleep as I go to bed at like 8pm. He is screaming at me because the place he took the baby didnt have AC and so it was my fault the baby was awake for *SIX FUCKING HOURS.* That is WAY too long for our son. He says he tried everything but I dont trust that. 

He blamed all of his shortcomings on my instability following birth. I was emotionally a wreck but I still pulled myself together to take care of everything. The only time he stepped up was the day after i gave birth and couldnt physically move due to severe blood loss.  I lost my mind on him for not caring enough or doing enough, but that was after so many many Many small talks that I just gave up. I wasnt always confrontational but i was being manipulated, abused, neglected, gaslight, everything but manhandled. 

He told he my BPD makes him worry about our child's safety because of how anxious I get. I get anxious and really emotional after our child has been yelling for 1 hour (he is going through teething, sleep regression, occasional rashes. It's hard but this time is normal) and only THEN would baby Daddy get off the couch.

He cut me deep. He used my insecurities and my vulnerabilities against me. My deepest fears have been realized and I see who he is. It isnt my BPD, its him. No one who ever cared for me and knew my history as to why I have the illness I do would use it against me. 

Since he has been gone, I have focused on healing. I spend time with our son, take him for jobs, see family, I call in for support when I need it. I always put him down when I get too irritated. I'm still healing from so much and he never bothered to support me how he should of. I think its understandable I went ape shit on his fucking jobless ass a few times.

Yes, no job. He lost 4 while with me.  Even while he had jobs, I still paid for most things from my maternity leave pay. He had the balls last evening to say i dont earn the money i pay for everything with. 

I am worthy of love and respect. I am a damn good fucking Mom. I went above and beyond as a partner to ensure his success and pushed him towards free, easy mental health care if he had PPD. He never took it. I think he wanted to make me look crazy so he could look like a victim.

Theres no fucking roles in this. I dont care. Our son has gone through so much this week, that's all I give a fuck about. It was absurd of him to burst in to my apartment like he did and demand I take care of the thing he couldnt, and berate me as I lay in my bed. I deserve better.

This fucking sucks. But itll be okay.