When i have suicidal thoughts, my anxiety goes away.

Ive gone on a depression spree again after 3 weeks thinking my life aint worth shit. 

Today ive done my usual stuff. I slept pretty good and done my laundry and had a good poop. 

Im in high spirit again after a long time. 
So i pop up some karaoke songs since im feelingg happy, suddenly my collar bone and neck area got stiff, i knew it was panic attack but my heart didnt pound as i have it under control. 

Like seriously? Wtf? Am i not allowed to have a good time anymore? 

I feel God forsaken at this point. 
Is there really no escape to this?