For context, I am a gay woman. This is very long so sit tight.

I've had a string of bad experiences in the past year or two with regards to romantic relationships. Here's a short summary:

1) Had a girl lead me on and then reveal that she was in a long distance relationship with a guy. She also said that she didn't see a future with being with a woman so proposed an fwb situation. I refused and we went no contact

2) Had a girl who I knew was in a relationship with another girl. She proceeded to hit on me and when I indirectly told her to back off by telling her to treasure the girl that she was currently with, her attitude towards me changed. She became cold and critical. Stupidly, I kept trying to chase the friendship I thought we had but to no avail

3) Narcissist - enough said

I've learned from each and everyone of these and I know I am much wiser and much better at having self-respect and clear, proper boundaries.

The problem is I am lonely and although I feel like I am ready to get back to dating, I feel like the string of bad experiences, coupled with my earlier life experiences have perhaps traumatised me or something. I know that we shouldn't compare traumas but I feel like I am hypersensitive and weak for being traumatised by what most normal people would consider par for the course.

At the same time, I feel like even though I am lonely, I can't seem to find the motivation to chat with new people in dating apps (not much choice for dating in this current situation that we are all facing). I feel so much safer to just maintain things as it is. It just feels so safe to isolate myself from potential heartbreak.

In the past, I would fall for people quite easily but these days, I find it very very very difficult - which is both good and bad because on one hand, it's good that I don't fall for a woman who would probably just end up rejecting me. On the other hand, it's also bad because I am lonely and can't seem to find any motivation to do anything about it because my desire for safety seems to outweigh the motivation.

Also, as a masculine-presenting gay woman who isn't very physically attractive, I'm not exactly a hot commodity in the lesbian community (tends to value femmes where I am from, at least from my experience) which further makes me retreat into the safety of isolation because of the fear of being friendzoned and hurt due to something that I can't change about myself (well I could grow my hair out and wear make-up but I wouldn't be myself if I did that).

Does this sound like some form of trauma from my past experiences? Any idea what to do about it?

I know that there are things I cannot control. I am someone who can be humourous and bubbly and I can hold a decent conversation. I have some hobbies so it's not like I am just lying around rotting away (although depression makes me do that most times). I am trying to work on my own issues but I know that ultimately, I can try really hard but not have anyone attracted to me because of my physical appearance or some other reason. So I know that I need to work on accepting that.

I intend to bring this up with my therapist, but I thought maybe I'd try asking you guys as well. Haha, it's just frustrating and tiring and although I am trying really hard, it's so difficult to not place a high value on romantic relationships and to find meaning in other areas of my life. I know that there are people out there who don't even try and get into relationships easily so it makes it so much more frustrating that I was bestowed with this struggle...