The first thing anyone says to something like this is "you're still young". And truthfully, I, for the most part, know exactly the things I need to do to improve my situation. 

I need to give up on other people for good. I'm not worthy of support or a social life before I prove to society I'm good enough for anyone to actually care about me. I'm not worthy of friends, at least not friends I can actually let close enough and not have to constantly put on a happy face with, and certainly not worthy of a relationship with any girl who isn't a toxic user. 

 I need to build a daily routine, even if getting up early worsens my stomach pains. I need to find another shitty, soul-killing job, to at least keep me financially afloat. 

Then I need to dedicate every free moment I have to either my writing and/or some kind of schooling so I can hopefully get a job that doesn't make me feel like I'm at the bottom rung of society and contemplate suicide every single night until I eventually pass out. I studied the wrong thing at university, so my degree is useless.

I know I have to do all those things. You might read that and think that's crazy and unreasonable. But read between the lines of the advice you yourself would likely give me, and that's exactly what everyone tells me.

Maybe it is fair. It almost certainly is. But that just makes it worse. I dug my own fucking grave, and I can't get out. I deserve this. 

But I can't. I can't do it anymore. When I was 7 years old and being bullied in school, my mom told me it'd get better in a year or two when the kids around me matured a bit. It didn't. I was told things would get better once I enter university. Then once I left university. Then once I got my first job. 

Now, I'm being told things will get better in a few years once I dig myself out of this hole I fell into because no one ever bothered to give me any real guidance. That was also probably fair. I should have known all these things intuitively. Everyone else certainly seems to. 

But I'm 26 now. And I just don't believe things will get better in "a few years" anymore. And even if they did... it's too late. My mind will never recover from years of isolation now. The anxiety gets worse every day. I feel my heart and my mind slowly giving in. The remote possibility of happiness is not worth the effort anymore. I'd be dead already if I wasn't scared of death.