So long story short- early this year I uncovered that my husband has been hiding a serious porn addiction for the last five years, and he also said/did things that we’ve both agreed was cheating (before and after the fact). He had been gaslighting me the entire time, and even tried to convince me it was all just my BPD brain at several points. I found out I was right about everything, and worse.

Even after I confronted him with proof he kept lying, and even tearfully begged me to believe that there wasn’t anything else he’d been hiding- then I found more. 

I have not gotten over the betrayal at all- and honestly most of the time it feels like I never will. I’ve been struggling to not split on him ever since, and even though I still love him I also hate him. I can’t live with or without him, and most of the time it makes me not want to live at all honestly. The more he tries, the more jaded I think I feel.

I feel like I’m in purgatory, and my only hope is that the universe will eventually put me out of my misery since I’ve looked everywhere for a way out.

Despite being encouraged to look through his phone (by both our marriage counselor and him), I don’t. Every time I have, it felt like I was suffocating on that same pit that was in my stomach the day I found everything out. I hated it.

They think that me not looking is progress- a sign of trust even, and I actually resent that they took it that way. Honestly I don’t feel any sense of trust, safety, or security. I just don’t want to feel the pit get any heavier than it already is.

He met some guy that works at a music store while getting one of his instruments worked on, and came home telling me he thought he made a friend. I was supportive- but I’m sure you can guess what my subconscious has been screaming at me ever since. The new friend invited him over to his apartment tonight to show him some instrument setups. I told him to go for it. More subconscious “red flags”. 

Today he brought it up again, and I just matter of factly told him he’s really testing the trust I don’t actually have in him- his response was that’s good because he’s going to pass with flying colors. I responded that theres really no way of me knowing, but whatever.

He’s been there for almost two hours now and told me he only wanted to be gone for one. Just now texted me that he’s not dead. I asked him if he was coming home and he just said soon. I said K. A few minutes later he called basically asking if something was wrong. I said idk is there? Now he’s stopping at the grocery store on his way home and I’m stuck between thinking all the worst things, and just not really giving a fuck.

BPD brain is in full swing, and I just don’t know how to feel, other than feeling like I’m on the edge of a spiral again. FML.

I just really needed to get all this out