Yesterday my FP was texting me and he decided to ask how my search for therapy is going. I’ve been looking into it for a bit now and have reached out to several but haven’t heard back from any yet, and I made sure to let him know I was actively working on it.

His response killed me. He said something along the lines of “good cuz idk how much longer I can keep putting up with this”. It absolutely shattered my heart. I told him that if we wanna be together, he’s going to have to try to understand my disorder. I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t realize what I’m going through. That’s when he said he wanted distance from me. I decided to block him, he still wanted to talk to me through text but fuck that. After everything he said to me… I’m not gonna keep texting him with that constant thought of “he doesn’t wanna be near me, he doesn’t wanna listen to what you have to say”. 

We’ve been together for over 4 years now, and although I haven’t been diagnosed with BPD, it’s definitely something that I’ve started relating to the more I look into it. I probably fully realized about a year ago so I’m still trying to figure it all out too. Finding out what BPD is was life changing for me, it finally gave me explanations as to why I am this way. I’m very open with him and my emotions, but I think he always takes it the wrong way, like me opening up to him is me trying to get him to solve my problems. I never asked him to fix me, and I think he’s (most likely unintentionally) piling all of my problems onto himself when all I’m asking for is just some compassion. Am I asking for too much?!? Am I not deserving?!?

I just wanted him to listen. To be there for me. Through my highs and lows I just wanted him by my side. But now I’m questioning it all. I understand he’s still young and has a lot to learn, as do I, but I feel like he doesn’t want to listen to me at all. I’ve recently tried expressing how certain things and phrases like “calm down” and “you’re overreacting” can really put me in a rage or send me in a spiral, and have asked him politely to try and avoid saying things like that to me. I’ve told him multiple times and he knows it bugs me. He doesn’t stop. 

I’m just super hurt and conflicted right now. I fucking loved this guy with all my heart but I’m getting the sign that he isn’t willing to work on us anymore. He can tell me all day every day what I need to change, but whenever I bring up one little thing, I’m always “overreacting”. The hardest part is realizing that he may never change, and I’m preparing myself to find someone else. Someone who WANTS to understand me. 

Sorry for the hella long rant lol, I just needed somewhere to vent. I’ve talked to friends but it’s honestly so hard for them to fully understand this idealization/devaluation thing I have with my FP. Thanks anyone who decided to read this 💕💕💕