Today is a good day.  My brain is giving me a break today. My medication is working on point for the moment and using this time of clarity to figure out my life.

I know what I need to do to better my life or at least give myself the best statistical odds .  I see the path but walking it is difficult . In some ways I like depression because if I should fail then I can blame it for my misery but  if having clarity pushes me to try and then fail scares me more. Have I become dependent on my depression ? like a sick toxic relationship!  Is it depression or am I just not good enough?  It terrifies me to no end.  I have never been a clever man and not being able to focus made it worse.  My parents always used to say if you work hard enough you can achieve anything but I never had the attention span nor the energy but if I had those things would I be more successful  and then by proxy ,happier ?

 All these things terrify me and I almost wish my brain fog could return so that I don't have to think about it or rather live in my depression because I know it . Is it better to have tried and failed than not trying at all ?   I have lived with depression for so long that I don't know when its me speaking or IT . 

God dammit .  I feel like a baby 

Thank you if you read this long post .  I need to get a grip on my emotions some how .