I don't really know why I'm posting this...I think I just have to tell someone who maybe has a chance of understanding. 
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and fell quickly into an episode mostly because I just didn't want to do today. I've been feeling so bored and like everything is pointless lately and that usually leads to me shutting down because I don't know what to do with my feelings or my body. I became suicidal when I dropped my partner off for work. 
I don't know how else to explain what happened next other than to say that people definitely think I'm insane. My partner ended up calling my mom who threatened to call the cops and showed up at my door without notice and reminded me that my partner will leave me if this continues to happen. 
I ended up going back to my partners house to try to calm down and he tells me that he can't do this anymore and that I need to get help (I'm trying to). It felt like a breakup to me but it was more like an ultimatum. But also, I know I'm toxic and that awareness just makes the situation so much worse, like I'm watching myself acting but can't control anything. I ended up having a fit and he called the suicide hotline which told him to call the police or take me to the hospital. 
The most upsetting part of all this is that this exact situation happened about 3 years ago with my then partner. He ended up leaving me in the emergency room and not talking to me ever again. We were living together. My fear of abandonment is at its peak and i feel that I won't ever be able to relax in this relationship again.
We did not end up going to the hospital because I was so extremely triggered by the idea. I was begging not to go. I just had a really terrible day and I need to tell someone about it so I thought I'd tell you guys. Nothing feels right but I thought maybe I'd find some friends.
Should I be in a relationship? It feels like this is how things end up inevitably because I'm never satisfied and I'm always sad and mad. I love this person but sometimes I feel like a bad guy and sometimes they feel like a bad guy.