Life is weird. I had depression and anxiety for years, and finally after finding a new psychiatrist almost two years ago, she said it was BPD type 2. I asked her how she got to that diagnosis, and she said that me having taken 7-8+ medicines and not experiencing much improvement was the tip off, and how it can take a long time to get a diagnosis. I’ve been on a mood stabilizer for almost two years and it has really made a difference. 

But I seem to experience the deprsssion a lot more. I don’t know, I feel like I say “I don’t know” a lot, and I recognize that’s just part of adulting and being human. But one glass of red wine a night keeps me sane. Even when I build a strong foundation of financial stability, fitness and exercise, socializing, I still feel sad. Not to the point of being at rock bottom, but I think this is just my normal. And considering how bad I was years ago, this is still a major improvement. 

I guess I’m just trying to figure out my brain. It’s weird, and I like spending my weekends alone with my dog, but j also feel like I’m failing as a person, because people I. Their early 30s like me should be out doing things, but all the things I like to do are solitary. 

As Patrick star once said, “The inner machinists of my mind are an enigma.”