it's complicated and it's not because he doesn't feel anything for me. which still makes me feel hopeful even though i shouldn't have any hope at all. he explicitly said today that all he wants and can handle is to be friends. he is everything to me. all i want is for us to have a life together. it's taken me nearly 30 years to fall in love for the first time and it's probably going to be another 30 before it happens again, if it ever does. i think being in love and being loved back just isn't something i get in this life. every single person in my life treats me like shit. i don't know how much longer i can go on. this disorder is hell and makes me feel like i'll just never be happy because i don't deserve it. except blaming it on the disorder is fucked up too. i can't blame everything on bpd. when it comes down to it i'm just a shitty person who deserves to lose everyone i care about. if that weren't true then i wouldn't just constantly lose everyone. i don't want to keep going. i'm so tired. i just wish i could sleep until the sun explodes.