I'm sorry if this is too long idk how to simplify my words into something shorter

I've been looking for informations about BPD for a while now and I've been showing a lot of symptoms but I'm not sure if it's really bpd or just my stupid hormones hence why I'm posting this vent on this subreddit. I've been experiencing these mood swings ever since i was 12 and I think it has gotten worse this year. (I'm 16 now)   

okay so I've been experiencing a lot of weirdly drastic mood swings lately, going from liking someone whether it's platonically or romantically (mostly platonically for now) to completely HATING them for no reason at all. I'd have the best time of my life with a friend or someone, act lovely with them and feel so alive around them but then they do something slightly wrong and suddenly i hate them entirely. Everything they do start to appear immensely annoying to me, i don't want to talk to them nor do I want to see them. This resulted in me distancing myself from them or sometimes I try to shake the 'disgusting' feeling off of me but it doesn't work so I end up just being super uncomfortable around them. A few days later when I finally calm down, I feel horrible as hell. It's like my body was taken over by another soul and whatever i was feeling and the bad things i said didn't feel real at all. How could I feel that way about my friends? Why did I treat them so badly? The guilt eats me up all the time. Also, I had a few favorite person(s) before and have obsessed over each and every one of them and literally everything including my mood depends on how they treat me on that very day. For example, I texted my fp and they sounded a tad bit uninterested or reply late and i get so depressed over it. I understand feeling a bit upset when someone you rly want to talk to doesn't give you the same energy, but man it feels like I'm going crazy and just want to shoot my brains out when they do that to me and idk if this is normal or not. and yes, there are days where i feel super happy and love them so much but those feelings can escalate to hating them and not wanting to do anything with them in a blink of an eye. This always happens with my bestfriends (we're not close anymore tho) and i decided to not have any 'bestfriends' for the mean time bc I hate feeling like this and i don't want to hurt anyone or make people feel bad. I've also become very detached from everyone and i don't think I'll be able to form any genuine bonds with people anymore. I realized how much I've been idealizing others all this time and most of their personalities were just the ones i created in my head so it's like i was never actually friends with the real them and it's just awful. I mirror people's personalities a lot too, maybe that's why I get along with others so quick and well but soon things just get super confusing and idk how to act around them anymore. School is tiring bc I have to talk to these people and meet some of my 'friends' and i feel like I'm always in a bad mood. It ruins everything, i can't have fun with them at all. I just tell them im tired and move on lol. An ofc i have to mention that i also ghost people a lot. I ghosted everyone for 8 months during the first time, the second time was only about 4-5 months and I came back, I'm trying my best to not do it again since coming back to people took a lot of courage but recently i feel like i just don't wanna exist anymore. 

The same thing goes to myself too. I would obsess over my looks and feel like I'm better than everyone and is the most hottest human being ever to avoiding mirrors because i look so ugly and don't want to see myself. I'm a girl and I think i lean more to the masculine look and I love looking masculine but there are also times where i would feel like shit bc i don't look feminine and i feel disgusting. but then i see a cool looking dude or another masculine girl and wish i looked more like them and feel shittier after. that's just the gender envy ig so it's irrelevant to this but I just wanna put it out here. I'd have a lot of motivation and would be very productive and some random chemical triggers my brain and that's when things start to cave in and everything just feels numb. I hate feeling like this. I feel empty and so out of place. I feel like a fake. I'm still not sure if this is bpd, it could just be depression or just a moody phase that's been going on for almost three years now and idk how to get out of it. I want to break out of this cycle I'm so tired of feeling like this. Everything is just so unnecessary. I tried ignoring these feelings and convincing myself that I'm fine but I just wanna give in to everything now. 

if there's any way to cope or even better, get rid of this disgusting feeling please tell me. I thought about going to therapy a couple times but i can't afford it yet and I don't want my parents to know plus i have a feeling that they're just gonna mock me and brush it off with "it's normal for teenagers like you to feel like that" or "you're being silly" like they always do.