Its been years now. I've been trying. I tried to get help. Everyone thinks I'm better or at least better than I was. I'm not. It hurts when they say that I've got "better".

My therapist thinks he knows me. He's a good man but I've been lying. I can't stop lying. I'm changing therapists he's leaving thats fine. But the new ones haven't contacted me. He's worried.

The help for mental health is terrible here where I live. The suicide rate is high and most people are alcoholics just to get by.

Its all so empty and numb. I'm so tired of trying to get help when they won't give it to me. I've been hospitalised before, is that not enough? What about the multiple suicide attempts? The threats? The bad thoughts? The extreme bodily harm? No? Nothing? What will make them listen and help me? Thats a rhetorical question I'll do what I did before. I'll hospitalise myself again.

But this time I won't tell anyone. Not my friends or my family. I don't want to deal with it. They shouldn't have to deal with it and the ones who swoop in just for the drama can leave me the hell alone this time.

Maybe this time I'll be given the help and treatment I need. Their lucky this time. I was gonna do something worse last year.

Now its just the count down till September I'll do it then. My friends are off to college then I won't see them. They won't know, no one will.