Long story short, she had unreasonable demands that looking back, I should have never agreed to because they are *not* normal behaviours. She threatened to leave me if I ever lied to her about watching a movie with sex in it, keeping things from her and telling people her 'business'.

I did all 3 of those things and did not tell her. It was out of fear. I was selfish and continued to watch movies like 40 Year Old Virgin and Click. She found me watching an R rated movie and talking to my Mom about what happened because I needed someone after the verbal abuse she gave me before running out the door.

I kept things from her because I was afraid of what she would do if she found out. I guess I wanted to be able to have normal interests and hobbies and have her understand that she is the only girl I ever wanted. Because she is. Telling her that I was watching The Walking Dead had potential to receive threats of leaving or verbal abuse because I don't know if she would approve.

So now she told me she should have never trusted me and I deliberately lied to her and hurt her. I did everything I could to comfort her by letting her live with me because her narcissistic mother almost got my ex to want to kill herself, gave her my car, paid for her, was her emotional punching bag and friend, but none of that matters?

So I understand it is black and white to her. Does anyone with BPD understand why I lied to her? I was afraid of her. But to her, the excuses are insignificant and that someone who cares for someone does not lie or be deceitful to that person. I was told she will never forgive me or open up to me ever again and that all people are are liars that destroy her hopes of being happy.

She cut contact with me and I respect that. I am learning to forgive *myself* because she told me I was a sucky friend and even suckier boyfriend.

I've learned that this is not something to take personal, she is unable to find or admit her own faults because to her, it may confirm that her abusive mother was *right* that she was undeserving. From what I understand about this, she projects onto me to avoid facing her own issues. If I am not perfect, she will find faults and be infinitely suspicious. 

I love her, but more importantly, I care about her. I know many people would laugh at how ridiculous it is that she doesn't allow her boyfriends to even go on internet sites because there may be women on there, but I would never tell someone they are ridiculous. Everyone is entitled to feelings.

So people with BPD, I am trying to find closure or at least understand why I was once told she has never loved anyone as much as me and that we will be together no matter our issues.... to telling me I am a horrible person.

I don't take it personal because I am able to forgive myself and I *know* I would never deliberately hurt her. But how do I show her I lied and that it was because I was scared? How would I get her back, if anything, as at least a friend?

I worry and care about her and I want to see her get through this. I can't imagine how difficult her mind makes her life.

Edit: Maybe I am wrong here but it feels like the more I try to comfort, support her or compliment her, she takes it like I am insulting her? Wtf is that about?

**TLDR** I lied to my ex because of her abuse and threats. She doesn't understand, only sees deceit. How do I show her I apologize for lying, but it isn't because I wanted to hurt her? I love this girl and have tryed to support her through everything.   :(