Tears are welling up in my eyes just after I typed the title because I realize that that's how i truly feel. I was raised by narcissists, suffered emotional abuse for years, became codependent with my older sister, i have anxiety social anxiety and ocd. I've been formally and consistently unemployed for a couple years, my last job was at a Cafe as a barista/cashier. I worked at the Cafe for nearly a year (I only last about 1 year at every job I get until I suffer a self diagnosed nervous breakdown). 

After I stopped working because I felt my mental health truly deteriorating right before my eyes, I was locked into my room at my parents house. They didn't talk much to me, only wanted me to stay home and not go out, and only cared to know if I was feeding myself. Well since then I finally got away from them and that environment, I moved out of state to live with my fiance.

He's been supporting us for the last 4 months, but he lost his job, and we're both scrambling for jobs now. Having inserted myself into a close knit family of 6, a tangible and very serious relationship for the first time, leaving home for the first time..all from just leaving my bedroom in my parents house, I feel constantly fatigued and constantly pushed to my limit.

I've been working so hard to just feel comfortable with my new life as it is and I've finally began feeling actually okay with the benefits of alot of Mindfulness meditation, journaling, and staying in touch with my therapist. But I just received an email today asking me to call to schedule an interview and ive been anxious and depressed ever since. I feel like im about to lose all the little peace that I've harnessed, and be pushed over the edge. Just by seeing my finances family throughout the week i am utterly fatigued and constantly sleepy and exhausted and desperately trying to recharge. 

I dont know how I will even begin to cope with even more on my plate, I feel like i need to hibernate for a year before I even put myself through my change and challenges. My anxiety and ocd is bad, I feel like im just going crazy sometimes even though my therapist is positive im not. Its not enough for me though, the feelings of my anxiety are overwhelming. I had a panic attack after reading the email, and crashed after from the anxiety. I want to isolate myself now from everyone and all I can think about is the idea of going back to work.

I've tried some jobs here and there during these 2 years of being unemployed, they all burned me out especially when I tried waitressing. Now im rambling...i don't know what to do. The idea of cutting my mental health up like slices of cake for those around me at a job (retail) disgusts me and simply makes me want to give up living.

I'm trying to stop all the negative thoughts im telling myself but one thing is certain, I hate these minimum wage jobs and I know it'll be a challenge for me to even enjoy living with one.