Like the title says, I constantly worry over the thought of wasting my (19F) BF’s (21M) time by being with me. I think all of us with BPD are well aware how our condition affects relationships, and it’s usually never good. I just recently lost a friend of 10 years due to my instability and shitty actions and it’s caused me to question everything, question if I can actually be someone worth loving and spending a lifetime with or if I will end up alone as lost of us sadly do. 

He loves me unconditionally and is the most supportive, gentle, kindest and wonderful person I’ve ever met, I truly have never felt this way about someone and that’s what scares the shit out of me.  Of course I’ve had FPs and thought they were my end all/loml etc...and I know differentiating between actual feelings and idolization/infatuation with a new FP is difficult with this illness, but he makes me want to grow and conquer what it is that causes every relationship in my life to end (AKA, me). I’ve never split on him in the 4 months we’ve been together which is a first for me, I’ve gotten upset at him, but I work hard to rationalize my thoughts and communicate the way I’m feeling. I just wish I could explain BPD or the gravity of this illness and it’s effects to him in a better manner, I’ve been thinking of sending him some articles I think capture it well but I’m not sure how to stress the importance of him understanding this illness as I fear we will have no chance otherwise. I’m actively going to therapy and taking medication in an effort to better myself, something I never had motivation to do before. 

In the end, I just worry. We speak of our future together and I say thinks like “Ask me again in a year” or “Don’t say that please” in regards to him saying he will never tire of me. Although it’s harsh, and I don’t mean to hurt his feelings, it’s reality. I cannot and will not trust myself, ever, because self sabotage has been the only constant in my life for so many years and I can’t discount that just because I love him wholeheartedly. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I truly do, but the thought scares me so much that I send myself into a spiral and begin to self sabotage. I suppose I’m just looking for an outside perspective or that of others who suffer with this illness and their experience with romantic relationships. Is it possible to share a life with someone with BPD? Is it possible to eventually conquer this illness? I know I, and I alone am the only one who can change myself for the better but I sometimes wonder if it’s even really...a possibility.