I was diagnosed in 2009. For a few years, I was followed by a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I was medicated. And after a while, I started to do better. But I'm not sure why I was doing better. At the time, I had burned out and wasn't working. I was off work for 6 months. I was working out. And everything was going well.

So much so, that my psychiatrist decided to drop me as she needed to make some room for new patients. Government's order if I recall.

Feeling rejected I acted out. I told my psychiatrist that since I was doing well, maybe it was time to get off my meds. And somehow, she agreed.

I don't know at this point, if I would be better with meds and therapy. I remember doing well back then. But was it just circumstantial? Or was it the meds and therapy?

I'm so tired of dealing with this shit. I'm so lonely. I just want to be able to have friends and someone to love and be loved.

It's all even harder because I'm thousands of kilometers away from home. I don't really have a home anymore. I sold everything that I owned to travel. I feel so lost. Nothing makes sense. I have no purpose in life.

At this point, I have to decide whether I continue traveling and go realize a dream. And deal with the downsides of BPD, being sad from time to time. And living something incredible on the other days.

Or try to go home, get a new place to live and start therapy. But given how few resouces are available, it might take months or years before I even get someone to help me.

Sometimes I think about death. But then I remember the good days. And I wish I could have those all the time. I just want to be happy.

Should I postpone therapy/medication and go live my dream? Knowing that I'll be down and sad no matter where I go?