How do you stop lying for good? I don't mean to omit things but I'm always so scared. I sound so stupid. I just want to lead a normal life. I want the madness and hopelessness to stop. My god, I can't wait to start therapy. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to do right by myself and him, that's all I ever try to do. I'm so used to having to lie or omit to survive, and for the first time, I don't have to anymore. Why do I do this? Why am I such a fuckup? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I make him happy 100% of the time? Why why why? Am I just feeling undeserving of something that's good and that makes me happy in a healthy way? He's shown me such light and hope for myself. Why do I keep messing up? I feel sick and I can't stop shaking. Why do I do this? Why can't I just be better NOW?