 Everything I do is meaningless or subpar.

My family (particularly my mother. r/raisedbynarcissists material) only care anecdotally. All that anyone does is yell and swear at me. I can never sleep. I was thrown out of my mothers house by her landlord and had to move back to the city.

Dad says a man gets a job and theres no geographical solution to an emotional problem (in other words he quotes the fucking Sopranos)

I've been hospitalized twice. I'm covered in scars. I'm fucking sick and nobody will help me.

My only release is 3 hours a day on the weekend when I get to train wrestling in a frigid room. I have four weeks left of that training and then work is going to steal all my free time and the wrestling shows will be gone.

It was the only thing that gave me life again. I traveled Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick helping at shows for free and fucking loved every moment.

Now I work this nightmare bullshit job as a pissant rent a cop over 2 hours away from my home by bus and soon that job will take my training from me.

Next week I have to work 3 to 11pm over 2 hours away by bus. Buses shutdown at midnight.

So I'm going to get trapped on the other side of town in winter.

I started this line of work at 19 and worked for one company for six years. I loved it at first, was hardworking and diligent and made minimum wage the whole time. No raises. No praise. Nothing.

Then I witnessed someone shove a knife through their face and burned out. Shared a news story about the company (they made the paper for giving low pay and subpar training) manager said since I decided to "shit talk" the company (I said 11 dollars an hour was not worth having blood thrown in my face or watching a man kill himself) that I am blacklisted. they also sabotaged at least one other job attempt

Company claims in all their propaganda how we are a big family.

Their Corporate funded EAP therapist said in response to the death I witness that nicotine is bad for me and I should stop smoking as that is raising my stress levels. Thanks boomer.

Got hospitalized on my birthday 2019 Therapist on staff suggested BPD, or maybe MDD, or maybe C-PTSD

they dunno knows. My family dr says it's all nonsense and nobody knows what meds to try, im sick of taking pills and "let's just see what happens" my wait list is two years for diagnostic testing

And if I have these disorders I would rather be dead.

A year ago I had a home and was in college despite not having any full time work. My ex threw me on the street for not wanting to have children. I burned throughly all my savings on hotels and planes, flew to Newfoundland and spent a couple months there.

but my aunt sent me home for being shitty at lawn maintenance. (Old style newfie. "I dont believe in this depression nonsense")

I came home to my moms until her landlord got nosey and made me paranoid. Threatened to evict my grandmother and mother unless she stopped allowing the homeless squatter on property.

Came to the city and tried to get a job anywhere

Mcdonalds, Call centers, insurance sales, grocery stores anything to get away from this business and nobody will interview me let alone hire me Except security companies. 

This isnt a profession it's a goddamn joke.

I'm a goddamn joke who is amounting to nothing. I'm broke all my money goes to rent. I'm eating once a day. My gym clothes are ruined so I might not even make training this weekend

I'm fucking 30 and have done nothing in life but fail. And all anyone does is remind me.

I cant sleep. I cant breathe. And now as I look at the time I have 3 hours until I have to go to unpaid training for a job I've done my entire adult life and DO NOT WANT ANYMORE. None of this is worth anything anymore.

I just want to die. I JUST WANT TO DIE.