It’s everywhere, all the time. My therapist told me it’s like a phobia of spiders, if you have it you’re gonna wonder if it’s a spider every time you see a dark spot on a wall. Same goes for fear of abandonment. 

For months now I am working on trying to see things more objectively, not take everything personally and accept that everything is always grey, not black or white. I make SO MUCH effort to not react and keep trusting my relatives when they reject me for the smallest or the biggest things. It seems to be working so far, I’ve made progress. It hurts a bit less.

But it never ends. How I am supposed to keep on working on my reactions and containing my emotions when I give selflessly to everyone and reach out all the time to try and break the isolation circle, and everyone just set their own bouderies (which I know is their right) but usually only think about themselves? 

I’ve been through so much abonnements this past few months. I am 32 and have never been this lonely in my life. 

I’ve moved to a new city in south of France with my now former « best friend » a year ago and she suddenly decided our friendship needed to end after she gave me bedbugs and left me to deal with it on my own. 

I met a *wonderful* man that turned out to be a narcissist. He made me believe we were in the perfect relationship for nearly two months and discarded me when we finally had sex in the most apathetic way and I am still in complete shock.

My friends from Paris are often not available to welcome me to their place if I offer to visit them when in return they are always welcome at my place anytime that fits them, even if I have to cancel my plans for them. 

Others will cancel our weekend plans because they have x or z coming instead. 

I haven’t been able to maintain the new friendships I have started to form here because I am so depressed and also have physical health issues so they kind of stepped away after a while. 

My mother is dead and my father is not interested in my life. Luckily I have two brothers that care, but it seems to me that’s about it and they have their own lives. 

I know it’s BPD and my abandonment issues that makes it all so hard but I just keep trying and trying and trying so hard to connect with people and fight my urges to cry and isolate but it is never ending. I can’t keep doing this forever. I feel like a burden and I’m on the verge of giving up. I don’t have the courage or strength to try to fit in anymore. 

Social relationships hurts so much. I don’t know how much more rejections I can take before I off myself. I can’t leave a whole life with this pain.