Over a year later and it still aches. It’s not the same obsessive pain it used to be. Losing an FP is devastating, and really difficult to get over, but I feel I’m over the worst of it. When I lost her, I lost a part of myself too. My heart was so deeply intertwined with hers that I don’t know how I couldn’t have left pieces of me with her when I destroyed our friendship. I used to joke that when our souls were put together, they were made of the same cloud fluff. I have years of good memories, and a few months of fuzzy bad ones. The ones where I became extremely clingy and codependent. My BPD was triggered by a massive amount of abandonment that followed my coming out. Destroying my closest friendship was my retaliation to all the pain. “Wtf was I thinking,” repeats through my head like a broken record I have become used to ignoring. I know those thoughts only lead me to bad places, so I try to distract myself when I rehash the past. I fight especially hard when I catch myself day dreaming and reminiscing of a time when things were good. When we held each other up through hard times, and laughed through the rest. I don’t know that I will ever forget her, or ever stop missing her. I am convinced that I will take this tiny sliver of hope with me to the grave. It’s become my lucky penny I keep in my pocket, that probably wasn’t lucky in the first place. I cant get rid of it, can’t completely accept the fact that she is gone forever. Part of me has moved on, but another very small part of me thinks that maybe someday when we are old, she will reach out. 

How do you fully reach acceptance without suppressing your denial or hope. Dissociating really gets in the way of healing and moving on, and I can never trust myself that I am better or moved on until I have a trigger that drenches my brain with a chemical overload that usually presents as anxiety or obsessive thoughts from things I can’t control. I guess I just keep reminding myself of where I used to be, and where I am now. 

That lost FP feeling is intense, and lasts a long freaking time. So, have patience with yourselves. Grieving is a journey. It does get better, and it fades over time. If anything it’s been a huge motivation to take care of myself so I never do this to myself or another person again. 

Tired of the cycle.
The cost is too great.