My Dad has had panic attacks all my life, nearly every day at his worst. I've probably seen more panic attacks than anyone who isn't a doctor, and have done my fair share of helping people with them keep their cool. I've also studied Psychology for years. You'd think I'd know a panic attack if I had one right? Well, maybe not. 

Occasionally throughout my life I've become terrified whenever I think about my mortality. Fairly normal. Far as I can tell from reading and talking to other people about it, it's something everyone worries about at least a little, but most seem to have made peace with it. Not me. 

I'm 27, recently moved into a unit/flat by myself a few months ago, and around the same time was diagnosed with hypertension and am on blood pressure medication. At first I thought nothing of it, but then I started to read. Worst mistake. The possible complications of having your blood pressure too high are numerous, and fatal, and who knows how long its been that way. I know it went untreated for at least a few years. 

Anyway, I'd been taking my blood pressure medication in the evening right before bed. Then of course I'm laying there thinking about what I'd just done, pull out this wretched smartphone, and worry myself to sleep reading all about things related to blood pressure, like heart attacks, organ failure, eyesight, etc. Then I'd start feeling as though my death was imminent, and get really upset about it. Increased heart rate, short bursts of panic, sweating, gritting teeth, tossing around (if I was half-asleep), etc. I've even woken up in a fright a few times yelling "no" after having a dream where I felt like I was dying. It's not just being bothered by some unpleasant thoughts. It's a really uncomfortable experience. 

Trouble is, this used to happen to me occasionally even before this whole thing with the hypertension. Maybe a few times per year since I was about 10, although there were a couple of years where it didn't happen and I remember thinking I was free. When it had happened prior to 2021, my thoughts were more generalised when I was in a panic. About the idea of dying, what it will be like to not exist, how it will feel, and how terrified I'll be as I grow old (assuming that happens). 

I've been offered the advice by people who clearly aren't bothered by it that it's silly to worry about death because it'll be just like before I existed, which, although somewhat poetic, doesn't hold up. 

I've also had it suggested to me that what I fear isn't my death, but not leading a fulfilling life. That might be closer to the mark. There are so many things I want to do. So many skills I'd love to become proficient in. So many places I'd love to see. I couldn't even do it all if I were to live for a thousand years. And even if I could live that long, I'd happily re-tour all the places I'd already been to see what's new. I can't imagine ever getting bored with living. Regardless, at some random point, could be now, could be in ~55yrs, it will all be taken from me. I don't know if that's the whole issue, but it's certainly part of it. 

But while identifying the issue/s might be nice, it's kinda got to the point where it's really impacting my life quite badly. I'm drained all the time, have little motivation or patience, and feel just as worn out when I wake up as I did when I went to sleep. Although that last one has been a problem for over 10yrs. 

I seek advice from anyone on any point. I know it's a bit long-winded, but any less would be a disservice.