Having a rough night, so I thought I'd sort through an unrelated issue to keep my mind off of things. 

Today my grandma told me that my stepdad (ASPD) is sick again. That it's worse than ever. That he can't do anything. 

I've been working on mindfulness and such, so I've become more aware of my "in the moment" feelings lately. 

I felt, relief. The same sense of relief I used to feel as a kid whenever the word Divorce was brought up between him and my mother. (Covert-NPD) 

I felt relief. I felt distant. More importantly I basically felt nothing empathetic whatsoever, at the thought of his death. 

This feeling was quickly followed by guilt. For not feeling bad. For not caring. For being in a way, happy. At least the closest to happy that I know how to feel. 

I know this isn't just a lack of care about death in general, because if my grandparents died, I'd be a wreck. Him though, I just don't care. 

What are some healthy ways to help sort out my feelings about this, without feeling like a monster for these feelings? 