i was looking through my phone to try and figure something out. i wanted to see how much of the last few months i remembered. im missing giant portions of this last fall and winter and was trying to piece some of it together though a combo of stolen memes and shitty photos of myself through the last few months. i found one that i completely forgot about. i had ethereal glitter on my cheekbones subtle brown eyeliner and plump glossy lips. i was wearing a white long sleeve shirt and angel wings. my hair was slicked back and the front pieces were braided. i think it was based on jules from the halloween episode of euphoria. this wouldn’t have been all that strange i love doing shit like that. it stood out to me because of the date and time.  it was taken at about 11:30 in the morning on december 8th. about 8 hours after that picture was taken i tried to kill myself. i didn’t plan on it. i call anyone i didn’t even write a fucking note. was it some sick fucked up foreshadowing? i mean there’s no way i would have gone to heaven but the symbolism alone is enough to make me want to punch something so hard my hand shatters. that could have been the end. and the morning of i felt fucking fine. how can i ever feel okay if i know everything can fall apart that fast? i wish i never forced myself to remember but it’s too late now. i know it   and i can’t change that.