So basically for 7 months now I am suffering from hopefully Suicide-OCD, I was diagnosed with OCD 2 times, and 1 time the doctor said it might be adjustment disorder but it does not describe my symptoms well.

So basically, it all started after reading about Chester Bennington's suicide, about 7 months ago, then I started having intrusive thoughts about it, then I googled it, started reading about depression, then I had a major panic attack, to the point of vomitting.(Yes, I know this is a typical trigger for OCD and this is how it usually starts, I had OCD episode 5 years ago, but can't remember exactly if it was the same.) Anyway, here is what happens.

**My symptoms are:**

- Knot in the stomach when it is bad, always.

- Butterflies like in the stomach when I am good.

- Obsessive thinking.(Don't know if it is obsesssive though, It is like I get intrusive thought or feeling, then I the knot in the stomach appear and I start thinking about possible diagnoses etc. And the thought keeps feeling real. I am irritable in those moments. (I know it sounds like OCD, so far, but **don't jump to conclusions yet.**)

'Life is meaningless' feeling. It is not like the depression feeling. More like the existential way, but still doesn't feel existential. It feels kind of synthetic. It is based on few things:

- Thoughts like 'What is the point of working when I will die one day?' Etc.

- Dark high contrast, low brightness pics of my future, not consious, like stuck in the back of my head, can't see them clearly, they are random, for example at the moment it is like me standing at the bus stop in my university, the image is drone like. And other weird stuff.

- It is usually triggered when I imagine doing something nice or just living a normal life, like a lost feeling? I don't know how to describe it.

- It is like in the end of life nothing happens.(I know it is irrational it is ****ing weird and always accompanied with anxiety.

- Like a flat life feeling. Again, not emptiness like depression.

- It is strongly connected to working.
Other symptoms include:

**Other symptoms:*

- Irritability when it is bad.

- Sudden feeling of trapped in life, like I want to escape, but there is no escape.

- Sudden feeling like everything I see is too much. Looking at my room for example. Like overload?

- Feeling like if I work in the future I will do it.(For example my mother told me that I can start working at a store and instant images of me working then at the end of working I do it, it is like if i work for a week I will do it. It is terrifying. It comea with a knot in the stomach and mood drop.

- Feeling like if this condition is gone and I continue to live a normal life I will do it. It almost feel like I want these things to be there, but at the same time I am terrified of them, but at the same time I am terrified of them leaving.

- Feeling like a dark cloud is setting over my future and I can't see my usual future because of those pictures and feelings, again ALWAYS accompanied with anxiety.(Again, not quite like the depression thing.)

- In the morning, before I fully woke up I am in this weird half-awake condition when those feelings and thoughts like attack me? But at the same time it feels super real, like me. Then I can't go back to sleep, I stanf up, make coffee and those things usually last about hours, then I get almost to my normal self. However, when it is bad, it is bad all day and I have multiple times through the day when I feel normal for a couple of mins, then it hits again.

- Doubt if I want it or not and extreme confusion over it. It is more like 'I want it but I am pretending not to.', 'I don't want to admit it', 'Don't fully realise it.' And when this is there it feel legit, like I really want it BECAUSE of those feelings, which is horrific. It feels 100% like me.

- I am avoiding asking myself if I want to do it or if I want to die because:
- When I do it it feels like I do which is making everything worse.
- Or I say no, but with extreme anxiety and then yes appears and feels 100% like me which is scary.

**- The reason why I am worried is that because it gets worse after an arguing, when something bad happened etc. Hits hard, feels real and my anxiety goes up all the way. **

It seems to have a cycle:

**When I am feeling okay:**
Bad in the morning.
Then I feel fine, then in the afternoon it hits and my mood drops, then usually at midnight I feel okay.

**When it is bad:**
The whole day is bad and I have minutes when I feel okay, then it hits again.

The most scary thing in this condition are **the urges**.

They almost everytime come without any reason or 
after days of worrying, it induces a panic attack in which everything hits at once.

Urges:

When I am close to dangerous objects.(Power sockets, high buildings, medications, etc. You get it.(I know it sounds like OCD, but still, wait, **don't jump to conclusions yet**.)

Urges are caused by thoughts like:

'Cmon, it will be so easy.'(This one is terrifying.)

'Life is meaningless anyway'

'I want to do it.'

'Why don't just give up.'(And it feels super real like I am about to give up.)

Etc. Etc. Etc. 

I am terrified.

**Background description of the urges:**

So, they happen when I am feeling relatively okay, then I can tell it is probably OCD. HOWEVER, when it is bad or hits bad out of nowhere here is how it feels like:
Like a flat life feeling, with the things, I mentioned before. And the scariest thing is that it feels like 1000% like me and like a decision. 

It is terrifying. I can only tell that it was not me when I am fine, but then, it hits again. 

**The scary thing is that it feels like I have anxiety because I want it and resist it or because I know it is not right**

**The second scary thing is that I can't tell if intrusive suicidal thoughts trigger feelings(good.) Or the feelings trigger real suicidal thoughts.**(**bad.**)

Here is how it happens and what it looks like:

**03.03.2018:**

I am watching a TV show, feeling relatively fine, when I decide to see if the feeling is in background. I suddenly get a thought like 'I can't continue living.' With a very ****ing real feeling like I really don't and all of those feelings hit. It feels horrific. I am immediately not sleepy, In highly self aware state, with like racing thoughts(not exactly.) I feel the knot in the stomach, it feels real, I immediately turn off the show on my phone and message a person who has the same thing as me at the moment. I stand up and go to the kitchen to smoke a ciggarete. **IT STILL FEELS SUPER REAL AND 100% LIKE ME** I light my ciggarete and my vision crosses arround the power socket on the wall as soon as I see it thought like 'I want to do it' appear or 'It is pointless' I can't remember the thought exactly it felt super fast. After this a feeling like I want to give up appears like I am about to do it. An urge to look back at the power socket appears. I open reddit and start to write this topic. As I am writing I calm down and it feels less real and turns into 'background' again. As I am writing I have mini hits lasting a few seconds which makes it real again. As I wrote this sentence the same thing happened.


**Panic attacks:**
Basically the same thing, but in more intense way. More intense urges. 
Etc. Etc. I am even not sure if it is a panic attack or something worse.

**After a panic attack I calm down, but the next few days it is so ****ing bad.** 

So I have researched a lot about this topic and they are several diagnosis I want to mention and to say few things about them:

I am extremely scared that it is **suicidal depression.** However I looked at the symptoms here is what I get:

- Hopelessness (I am not sure about this, I can't tell if the meaningless thing is hopelessness. And as soon as I mentioned hopelessness I felt like I am feeling hopeless which gives me knot in the stomach.)

- Worthlessness - I don't have it.

- Guilt - I sometimes have it over the thoughts.

- Sadness - I don't have it.

- Emptiness - I don't have it.

- Depressed mood - Can't tell.

- Lost in interest in usual activites. (I can't tell if I get this, I tend to only research or reread articles about this topic when I am feeling bad, and I am not able to do nothing else. I tend to have moments when I don't want to go out because of this knot in the stomach and the other stuff, I 'preffer' to be at home and reading stuff.)

- Tiredness - After a long day when it is bad, yes.

- Oversleeping - I usually sleep about 8 to 9 hours.

- Low self esteem - I don't have it.

- Feeling burden - I don't have it.

- Lost of apetite - When the knot in the stomach is there, yes, like my stomach is sick.

- Suicidal thoughts (As you probably read already, I get this, however, in depression, it is associated with relief, fantasies, and CONSIOUS THINKING.(As I am typing this I feel like it is giving me relief and like I feel consious about it, which makes the condition worse - the knot in the stomach gets worse. 

**Told my psychiatrist and psychologist about it, they said it is not depression** However I am not sure.

My next fear is **Bipolar Affective Disorder Type 2**:

Bipolar is known to cause depression and hypomania.
I looked at the symptoms of mania and hypomania.
I asked most of my friends and family if they seen any of the symptoms(I showed them a list of the symtpoms.) In me and they dismissed it.
I also analysed my mood and actions while I am fine. 

I tend to do the things I usually do, for the same time. 

I don't sleep less. 

I don't talk faster. 

I am not easily distracted.

I don't do reckless stuff. 
And most importantly my mood does not change completely from the bad mood. Also it tends to change during the day. 

**The thing which is worrying me is that I am more irritable than usual.**

Anxiety symptoms which I have:

- Irritability.

- Sweating and BAD sweat smell, worse than usual.(My hands sweat when I am bad, however they were always sweating since I am young so I don't know if it fits there.

- Knot in the stomach.

- Derealisation.(Sometimes.)

- Restlessness.

- Faster highrate.

- Headaches sometimes.

- Unsettledness

I am sure that I missed something. Feel free to ask questions if you have. Thanks in advance and have a good night.

