I'm a mess. It's been going on for quite a while (8years) but now it's getting worse and worse. 
I've been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist, tried *I don't even know how many* various drugs, nothing seemed to be helping. And then my psychiatrist told me he didn't know what else to prescribe me. And that he doesn't know how to help me, so maybe it's not worth going and paying for the visits. He was 9th.
I don't know how to control any of my emotions, minor phrases and things send me off to rage episodes. Then comes the sobbing and feeling worthless. After that, guess what??! I have to do clean everything, I can do anything and then.. exhaustion. 
Now it's worse because of all the stress and loss of rhythm or anything that could help me get a grip of life. There are only 2 computers at my home and during the day they're busy. As I can work anytime, I have to work at night, when everybody else is sleeping and when they wake up then I go to sleep. Been living on coffee, energy drinks, cereal and ice cream. (just the smell of any other food makes me sick, idk why) 

 I'm tired of all emotions and earlier I was numbing them down with blacking out with alcohol every other night. The only happy thing that I can say is that I've been sober for 89 days now. It did not start voluntarily tho. My kidneys shut down, was in the hospital for quite a while and due to all other complications I was thinking that I was going to die for sure.

Now just one thing is constant in the whirlwind that is my mind. It should have happened. And I'm trying SO HARD to make that thought disappear.

I have pulled myself out of hellholes before. I will do that again. I just don't know how yet.