I have tried opening up to my family in the past that I am not mentally fine, and now I can't trust anyone. The first thing that my eldest sibling asked me is "who diagnosed you" instead of an "are you okay". Sure, I've never went to get diagnosed, but I've always suspected that I am depressed, socially anxious, and panic attacks to certain types of sounds (which has thankfully went away). He is quite some years older than me, finished studies way back on teaching, has a decent job and helping provide in the family, while I'm the only one studying now at this point with no contribution. Whenever I talk to him I just feel worse. He keeps making his own conclusions and his naturally condescending tone doesn't help. I only wanted to have some comfort, a calm discussion, and some words of encouragement but I never got that. It's as if my family doesn't even know what mental health is. It's like his logic as a teacher is rejecting things that is hard to explain, like myself. The more he spouts his intelligence, the more I feel stupid in front of him. I feel so worthless, useless, and just a burden. He says he also has anxiety yet I don't feel any empathy towards him. He said that "I am very normal." It turns out that the things I just want to shout out, cry out, doesn't translate in my physicality. No one notices that I am okay, and even if they do, I'm just misunderstood. They don't wonder why I am so troubled of so many things, small or big.

I'm very much glad that I don't have the urges to end myself, but I always have the thought of wanting to die or wanting to disappear because I don't feel any worth on myself and just a massive lump of stupidity and mistake. Turns out that sometimes not even family can help you be understood.