My husband turns 24 today and all I want to do is disappear.

22F. I went to my initial therapy session this past weekend and he thinks that I’m experiencing a mix of depression and anxiety. I’ve been extremely overwhelmed, so much that I feel like I can’t even think rationally anymore. It feels like my mind has just gradually lost sense of who I am since I transitioned into becoming a mother (she’s 2, going on 3). I am constantly looking over my shoulder when I’m alone and especially when people are around me. I pay attention to all the little things I do – the way I’m standing, where my hands are, my face expression, and I do this especially when there are people around. One of my bosses just noticed it at our Christmas lunch. He casually asked “You ok down there?” to which I replied that I was just tired. Anyway, my therapist thinks, from this very first session only, that the trauma from sexual abuse in my past was possibly brought back up when I gave birth to my daughter. The sexual abuse is a BIG grey area for me. I’m only certain that I was victimized by my uncle when I was 11. He would touch me while my family was asleep. It only happened 3 nights from what I remember. I probably should’ve mentioned it to my therapist, but I have sexual fantasies about it…. It’s a fucking joke to me honestly. I never questioned it until now. For the record, the man was and still is disgusting and I would NEVER. The grey area though includes me starting my sex life at 11 (when a childhood friend peer pressured me into giving him oral during a sleepover; I felt disgusted at myself and cried to sleep) and a gang bang when I was 18 (I was blacked out drunk but enjoyed every second of it and came multiple times). I rarely enjoy sex with my husband since I became a pregnant and our relationship has sunk. He says he loves me but doesn’t really show it. I don’t blame him. After I gave birth, I was constantly irritated 24/7. I verbally abused him and needed him to do everything right and the way I wanted it to say the least. He’s finally confirmed that my behavior had made him fall out of love. It took a long time for him to tell me that which drove me crazy because I knew something was happening between us but he wouldn’t talk to me about it. But alas, I deserve it. I deserve to be alone, to be unwanted, to be fat and ugly, to be misunderstood, to not be paid attention to, to just disappear. My brother always brings my daughter up as a reason to not kill myself, and though I don’t respond to it, I feel I “know” that she’d be better off without me. She loves me, I know, but I’m so damaged and fucked up and I don’t want her to learn anything from me. I’m a burden to everyone around me. I talked to my brother about my therapy session since he’s the only one that’s showed support and he looked at me like I was about to snap. He said that anyone that’s gone through what I have is expected to lose their shit and go off. I already don’t tell anyone what’s going on in my head lol, so that scratches him off and we’re back to zero. 

So, as of right now, I’m expected to get on anti-depressants and avoid any group events that could potentially cause any amount of anxiety. In short: I drunk drove home after a xmas party went wrong and I swore to my husband that I wanted to kill someone, that I wanted to kill myself and it was going to happen unexpectedly but soon, and that I was asking him to kill me. On Thanksgiving, I cut my wrists after losing my shit over missing ingredients and I just numbed my mind during dinner with my whole family, didn’t speak to anyone and didn’t even want to look at anyone. On Christmas, I isolated myself completely during my husband’s gathering, and I cried by myself in the restroom. I’m losing my shit.

My husband turns 24 today. I wish that I was the wife he expects/needs, the good mother he said I was going to be when he told me not to abort, and the friend he met. But I’m not. As I write this, my throat clenches and I just wish I wouldn’t be here. I hate myself so much. I hate being expected to be okay. I hate everyone that looks at me. More than anything, I wish I wasn’t where I am mentally. I know other people have it worse, but this is the most pain I’ve ever been in, and I can’t imagine where my tolerance ends. The years get worse. My mother in law has asked to arrange my husband’s dinner but I don’t want to go. Everyone around me knows there’s something wrong with me, but they don’t know or even know how to approach me so they just scoot away. Hence, I just want to roll myself into a little ball and die. My marriage is over, I don’t feel wanted but just for sex. I’m so fucking pathetic. Why would he want me to be around anymore? I’ve lost sense of who I am and my strength to keep going. I did feel less weight when I talked about this but I still want to be somewhere else, not here anymore. All in all, I guess all I’m asking is for advice on how I should contain myself for tonight and tomorrow night.