tonight i will call someone and is they don’t pick up i’m going to kms. i’m just putting my life in the hands of god and this person. i keep saying “if he picks up its a sign from god that he thinks i should continue”. if he doesn’t it’ll mean i’m ready to go. i’m so done with feeling this pain and i really don’t know any other way to do it. when i finally do i’m going to call 911 to send an ambulance because i don’t want anyone to have to find me. i never believed in god and never even was a religious person and i still don’t really but i’ve seen documentary’s where people have near death experiences and they feel calm and accepted and i just so long for that feeling. i don’t have anyone to share this with because i’m afraid they’ll put me in a mental hospital.