to start off, idk if this is worth mentioning but i have bpd. 
i’m not perfect and i’m not a little angel who can only be the victim. i fuck up and i hurt people and i get that. the only thing is, when i hurt people i freak the fuck out. i feel so guilty i punish myself- either by starving myself, not letting myself cry, or self harm (i’m clean for like 8 months almost but the urges are still there). i’m tired of getting so fucking upset. it makes me feel like i’m victimizing myself when i really don’t want to. i hate don’t know how else to manage it. i’ve been brought up to believe my only sole purpose is to make others happy and when i fail at that i get self destructive. i feel like i feel guilt to an unhealthy degree and i’m so tired of it because i feel like i’m victimizing myself when i’m the wrong here. i don’t want to hurt people. it consumes me with guilt when i do- not because i have this image of myself in my mind that i can do no wrong, but because hurting people who have only been kind to me hurts. does anyone have advice on handling it in a healthy, non self destructive, non self victimizing way? i feel like i don’t deserve anything i have. i feel like i deserve to have everybody abandon me. all i did was use my phone during class and listen to music and my teacher got upset and i feel so bad for upsetting her. i don’t know what to do anymore. i feel like i’m an awful human being who deserves to rot. i don’t know how to handle this. i’m tired of feeling this much shame for tiny things that can be fixed with a mere apology (yes i apologized). i don’t know what to do anymore. any advice is greatly appreciated. i don’t know what to do anymore