so my T is using the CAMS model for suicidality with me and my homework this week was to journal about alternate futures that don’t make me want to die even more, since having a job and being a part of society forever is something that really makes me want to die. i’ve been putting it off all week bc it feels impossible. i’ve been thinking about what i could possibly do with my life that sounds better than the silence of 6 feet deep, and i just can’t come up with anything. i don’t want to work, i don’t want to not work, i don’t want to go to school anymore, i don’t want kids, i don’t want debt, i don’t want to have to pay to stay alive forever when i don’t have the money or the will to stay here. 

i’m honestly so fucking sick and tired of feeling like my body and life have already been buried for years now but my soul is still stuck here. i can’t escape my head and i can’t escape the world. ‘i want to die’ doesn’t even do justice to the exponential hole on my chest that grows deeper with each breath. ‘i’m so tired’ doesn’t explain how even sleep isn’t an escape bc of the nightmares and insomnia. 

i don’t want to be here. i don’t want to do this. there isn’t a future i can’t conjure up that doesn’t make me want to have already died. i’m so pissed that i continue to be a failure at the only thing i feel like i want in this life. i can’t do it and probably will never be able to. i’m so tired. i’m so sorry.