Is this a sign of mental illness or a sign that it’s probably not a really serious mental illness because then it would be so bad that I wouldn’t actively choose to continue to suffer? 

I guess it’s just that I have become so used to my negative emotions, which I’ve had for so long, that I now have a very high tolerance for them. This has decreased my motivation to change.

Moreover, I’m starting to almost enjoy beating myself up mentally. Sometimes it almost feels like I’m m purposely inducing these “negative” states in myself. I think this is partially because the idea of not being self-aware of my faults terrifies me and I never want to forget them so that if/when someone else points them out it won’t be a surprise to me. But the other maybe larger part is that I’m becoming addicted to the emotional intensity, and negative emotions are as good as positive ones in satisfying that craving. 

This isn’t an excuse, and I know I’m capable of changing, but I’m finding it difficult mostly because I don’t really want to stop. But part of me does. The main reason I want to stop is for the sake of others around me, and for the sake of other people’s perception of me. I find myself constantly trying to understand how this behavior might come across to others and I do realize how annoying and draining it is. I do not want to be seen that way. 

Any advice or insight or similar experiences? I think I need professional help.