I’m in a fucked up lesbian love triangle and have been for the past year. it’s taken a huge toll on my mental health and i don’t know how much more i can take, nor how to make it stop. it started with me really liking this girl and crushing on her for a few months (let’s call her A) we were very close and she suddenly stopped talking to me after starting to talk to one of my other friends (let’s call her B) romantically out of nowhere. it was horrible and was a huge smack in the face. she was one of my only friends and she left me for someone else. they started dating. this caused me to spiral, overdose, and overall become an extremely insecure, resentful, depressed person. i hated B for a while, but she was very persistent in becoming closer with me and as much as i hate to admit it, she really grew on me no matter how many times i pushed her away. time went on, and we became closer, little by little. the hatred and resentment wasn’t really there anymore (though i still had my moments), but i was still struggling to get over the girl that ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it into a million pieces. after many long messages with A, a short rebound, and many months, i did get over it. i was in a place where i could safely say i was over it. not that i didn’t still think about her every once in a while. but a new problem presented itself. i developed feelings for B, and she became my favorite person. how did this even happen. i tried blocking those feelings out as much as i could but they just kept growing. you can only imagine how painful that was in a situation like this. one thing led to another and whoops turns out she has feelings for me too and she confessed. when she confessed, my dumb ass thought it would be a good idea to be honest too. big mistake. ever since, we’ve been stuck in this weird limbo where she doesn’t want to break up with her girlfriend but she wants me too. she’s not a cheater so it’s not like she’s doing anything with me or cheating on her girlfriend with me, but our conversations and interactions are sometimes, uh, a bit sexually charged. but the problem is that whenever she mentions A, whenever she tells me about how she loves her, whenever she brings up that she misses her, i shut down. i start thinking about how worthless i am and how i’m just being used and how no one cares about me and i should just be dead. it just really fucking sucks, and it’s draining all of the energy out of me. all it does is make me more insecure and makes me hate myself more and more. i want it to end, i want to get out of this triangle, but how am i supposed to do that? i value my favorite person so fucking much, i can’t let her go. i don’t want to let her go. but keeping her around is slowly killing me. i feel like every day that goes by, i get worse and i feel worse about myself, and about everything. i want it to end but i can’t see an exit. the only way i can see it stopping is if they break up, but i don’t think they will, despite having numerous relationship issues. they both just want stability i guess, and they’re willing to stay with each other no matter what it seems. these two fuckers just make me feel so so suicidal. i don’t even recognize myself, i feel like i lost myself within all of this bullshit :/

this is a pretty detailed post so i’m probably going to delete it in a few days. i’m just paranoid one of them would somehow find it. i don’t know why i chose to post it on this subreddit instead of one more dedicated to relationships, i guess i just wanted an opinion or a comment from someone else who has BPD, as i feel this whole situation is 100x more painful with this disorder. thanks to anyone who bothered to listen