I am a 40ish y/o man. Been fighting BPD, depression and anxiety since childhood. Not a great student. And was kicked out of the Marine corp. Married a wonderful woman and had a daughter. Always had problems lasting more than a few years at any job. In the 12th year of our marriage she took her life. My psychiatrist says that I probably have PTSD from it.  I took a nosedive. Lost everything, alienated everyone. And generally hate people and life in general.  I've been in and out of hospitals am currently on a handful of medication. I get 30 minutes of therapy once a month and a visit to a doctor every three. I've applied for disability and have been denied and i'm currently waiting on an appeal. I still live in my wife's hometown. Actually I am currently living with my mother-in-law. Where you can imagine how things work in a town of 8000 southern baptists. I've tried to move several times and end up having to come back. I'm 6"4' and 350 pounds so there no girlfriend. I'm stuck on the passing of my wife that happened in 2010 so I've burned most all of the friend bridges as well. I've smoked pot since I was thirteen but have been sober for a month now. And it sucks. I really want to relocate. I want to get out of this mire I've been wallowing in. But with no job and no savings there aren't a lot of options. I've been fantasizing about packing what I can in my truck and moving to the west coast, current living in the heart of dixie. My daughter is in college studying to be a  psychiatrist. I rarely let a day go by without telling her that I Love her and that I'm very proud of her. And now that she's well on her way to adulthood I want to try to get better. I want to live to hold grandkids. I want to be there financially for my daughter. It's all so overwhelming that i dont know what to do, I've tried going back to work several times now and I make it a few weeks before I allow my issues to consume me. No amount of "Hey just don't think about it" works. Its like having a critic living full time in my head and nothing I do is right. I don't understand people and I'm constantly misjudging cues. Thinking that a female may be into me only to find out how insulted they are that I would think that. I trust people and they end up using what they know against me either to undermine me in a professional atmosphere or control me in a social one. For the last few years I've isolated myself but it just adding to an unhealthy lifestyle and the one thing that keeps me alive is the devastation it would cause to commit suicide. Also I'm a coward about it. I first attempted to take my life when I was a teenager and the pistol misfired. After my wife passed I OD'ed on MDMA cut with meth. Spent three days in ICU and was nearly committed. i'm pretty stuffed with self loathing and chocolate chip cookies. I wish there was some place I could go. I feel like if I just left this life behind it would help but i'm not sure that i'm not just running away and my problems will follow. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm just going to keep taking it day by day. Until it swings one way or the other. And although what i've layed out makes me seem like I'm playing the victim it isn't so. I've been a terrible person, a bad friend, asshole of a husband, and for the last few years a father that's not done enough to support his child. 