I go to bed every day thinking " you fucked up, you're a lower" 

I tell that to myself every day. I'm 29 years old and I can't stand being alone with my thoughts. If I'm not doing anything they start racing. Telling me how my life is a failure. 


When I was 21 years old I wrote my first screenplay and sold it. That was my dream come true. That movie was never made and I did fuck up some things when rewriting. People called me prodigy and things like that.


8 years later and I've done nothing. I get self hate everyday and crippling anxiety that I ruined my opportunity. I can barely write without having huge guilt. 

9 months ago I got diagnosed with adhd. Which makes sense. I have long history of anxiety and ocd and sertal did help me but I always thought there was more to the anxiety. 

Started taking concerta and finally my mind went quiet. I could finally write. Did screenplays. Next three months were best months of my life. Crying of happiness. I didn't need sertal anymore 

Then I got covid. After covid I began having daily migraines. Everytime I took concerta I would get them. My anxiety came back with ocd. I could never relax. Felt like concerta made me words. I lowered the dose and still was horrible mentally. I was diagnosed with long covid. I experience brain zaps, anxiety and all kind of neurological weird symptoms everyday. My doctor recommended going off adhd meds while I'm healing. I'm on month 7 and getting slightly better but I have bad days.


No un medicated, crippling anxiety everyday and my mind everyday telling me 1000x a day that I fucked up and I'll never be anything. Nights are the hardest. I hide tears from my loved ones and I'm just on rock bottom. Whenever I tell them how I really am I can see the look in they're eyes that they are just so tired and sad hearing it. 


I'm just lost. On the edge everyday and can feel my health anxiety coming pack. Haven't had a panic attack in 4 years but I know they're coming. 

I needed to vent. I'm sorry for long post. Can anyone recommend me some books or tips or anything. Need to feel better.