I don't really know where to turn to, as I'm too afraid to bring it up with someone I trust. I don't want to make a fool of myself. Maybe you guys can give me some perspective?

I'm in my mid thirties and I think I've been struggling with depression since I was an adult teenager. I say think because I honestly don't know if what I'm experiencing is common or not.

As it is now I feel completely dead inside. Well, apart from the anxiety that's always lurking there. It can't possibly be normal to feel like a nervous wreck for days and weeks on end? Like there's a gordian knot in your stomach constantly eating away at you.

The last four years or so I've really struggled with anxiety. It took three panic attacks before I understood what was going on. 

I often contemplate suicide, not seriously though, and I have to admit it gives me a sense of relief just knowing there's a way out. Is that normal? I mean in the sense that everyone has forbidden thoughts they don't act on.

I know the questions may sound stupid or obvious, but the thing is that I at least *used to* have long periods where I felt fine. I've just shrubbed it off as everybody goes through mental trauma from time to time. It's part of the human experience.

I have a pretty good life all things considered. I have many good friends, a caring family and a fiancée that is literally the woman of my dreams. I waited my whole life to meet someone like her (what are the odds?). I've had pretty interesting jobs and never had to worry about money. 

I struggle to understand why I get these feelings, I've got no reason to be depressed or anxious. I'm a fairly talented person with plenty to offer. Yet I constantly feel like shit and just want to hide from the world on a remote island somewhere far, far away where I can be in solitude with my self hatred.

Is it just part of living..?