I just wanted to say something, to anyone listening. 

I wanna kill myself. I have for a while. Nowadays, it's getting really bad. Even when sober, and sober for a long period of time, if I get ridiculously lonely and depressed, I get kinda psychotic. Minor auditory hallucinations, and some delusions of my family wanting to kill and mutilate me. I've obviously recovered now, in the form of being synthetically comforted by drugs. But it's something that happens even when I'm sober, and it's extremely adrenaline inducing.  


Honestly for the last few years I've been running on pure adrenaline. I have a horrible home life, my mom hates me, for a couple years I used to scream horrible things to her. Stuff that I wanted to do, but was basically bullying it onto my mom. I told her to... off herself a couple times. 

People say "it's not a big deal" and "it's justified, because she's abusive" but it's really not. You can't say shit like that to your mom. Even if you're abused, and lowkey hella traumatized. Because that's your mom, and you still love her.

It's not just that. I yelled all this stuff to her **right. in front. of my little seven year old sister.** 

I hate myself for that. While typing this out I actually rage-typed a paragraph about how I wanna torture myself to death. I really do hate myself. I traumatized my baby sister.

I really don't fucking deserve sympathy though. I'm basically a piece of shit drunk dad. You should kill me 

I know what it's like to be exposed to something too early. As a elementary school kid (about 10) I saw videos of people killing themselves, hardcore porn, people messaging me about how they wanted to rape me. (luckily I never responded, ol' reliable block button came in clutch)

I've done drugs for a considerable amount of my life. When I was 11-12 I started doing codeine. Fuck that stuff. I really hope I don't have too much brain damage from that. I most likely at least have a little though, lol. I also got into a lot of fights, and started wanting to kill myself in a... really fucked up way. It was almost glorified, as like a way to repent for all the shit I've done to my lovely mom and sister.

My mom was horribly abusive though. None of this excuses what she did, but I'm also a piece of shit. It runs in the family. When I was about 4, she told me that everything is a figment of my imagination, and she's "just writing a book with fucked up characters" whatever that means. She was in really bad Psychosis and Dissociation. After she told me that, I honestly got really traumatized from it. I never thought about life in that way, but I just needed it to be real. I really needed my momma to be real. My toys, my life, my everything. I needed it to be real, I was terrified of stuff like comas, and the brain in a vat theory. Even when I was older. Even **now.** For years I'd literally go fucking crazy and go into a crying fit every-time something triggered it. Baby's first ptsd, I guess.

I guess I've always had a lot of anger for my mom regarding that. She also would just say stuff to trigger me, and thought it was funny. **Isolation** 

I'm still a teenager, this stuff happened all about 4 years ago. In high school right now. Probably gonna join the army to kill myself in a way that won't have my dad blaming himself.