
Sad.  Why am I even still here in this random place called life? 

I feel like I have hit rock bottom. I am a disappointment to my family. A loser. 

Drug addict. More or less. I have clean weeks then the weekend (or my days off) rolls around - off to the bar I go to spend money I really do not have. 
I love to feel good in every way, but hell don’t we all? 

My health is … well it is not good. You can see it in my face, the dark puffy circles around my eyes. My skin is scared and constantly broken out from either drugs or my hormones going through I guess fucking adult puberty. My body is changing… again?  I puff up, then drop weight.  

My last relationship was abusive and I am ashamed of it. He took everything I had ever worked for and destroyed it. And somehow we are still friends. I am that lonely. 

I have finally come to terms I have been actively trying to kill myself since 2010. The year my best friend (at the time) drugged me and let her husband brutally rape me. 
She took my soul friend, my one true connection to the stars, universe, god what ever you want to call it, and turned him against me.  She told her children I was a homewrecker, a drug dealer, and who knows what else.  She has to be the devil in human skin. 

I did nothing to her evil ass. I was 21 fucking years old. 

My one true lover, my one true souls connection died when I was 20.  Figured out later, he probably groomed me and my innocent ignorant ass couldn’t even recognize it. 

I am weary of all men at first… even hateful towards them at times. 

If I am sober, I have insomnia. If I am blown up on molly or coke… I stay awake and greet the shadow folks with arms wide open.  

I am so lonely I speak out to them, I speak out to the dead and gone. Hell I will just talk to myself. 

For the first time in my adult life, I wear make up to feel better about myself. 

My hormones are whacked out. 

It’s a list. A list of problems I have created myself. 

I do my absolute best to keep moving forward, it is hard though. I crumble every single day. 

I feel alone. My soul feels empty and worthless to every one and every thing. 

I keep doing work to better myself. 
Signed back up for school. Scored a better job, I have a small group of friends that are truly my friends. I love them and I know they love me.  They are my chosen family. I would die for them. No second thought. 

I am active, constantly on the go— thanks speed.  Even with out. I am running. 

I am running from everything . 
I hate it here. 
I hate it here. 

No matter how hard I try… no matter how hard I lie to myself and everyone around me… I am crumbling. 

Soon my circle will find out how bad off  I am and I dread that day. 

I miss connecting to people 
I am too much for them though. 
I am just too much . 

Now back to pretending how happy I am.