I don't know if anyone can relate, but I was horrified and incapable of forming relationships for a long time after my last girlfriend left me. So i forgot how...intense crushes can get.

There was this girl at my job who was super flirty with me, invited me out once or twice (I declined), called me her 'work boyfriend' once. But at this time I was still fucked up and working on myself. cut to a year later and I have an uncontrollable crush on her. But she just got into a relationship with someone else.

Now...she still talks to me. Always seems super excited and just generally talks to me way more than anyone else i know. So, lately I've tried just avoiding her at all costs. Because it emotionally destroys me. I fucked up. I could have had something good. But I was too in my own head and I missed my chance. In that case, it should be easy to get over it but it's not.

I sometimes get panic attacks after I find myself cornered with her at work and we have a conversation. Sometimes it's so bad I leave work early, go find a quiet beach, break-down a little and toy with suicide.

I don't know how to get rid of this. I'm thinking about transferring to a different location with my job to get away from this. I'm an adult. I thought i was smarter, but I just can't mentally get myself out of this. Is it crazy? Is it stupid of me to transfer over a person? Wouldn't it improve my mental health and I can go back to another 5 years of no attraction to anyone? I like my location, I like the people I work with, the bosses, it's cushy and retail and they trust me, no accountability they just trust that I'm always doing the right thing/working. Which is perfect for my BPD and ADHD brain. I do work, but every now and then I need to slack off and not getting even noticed doing it is a saving grace. Maybe I can build that rep at another location...but...I'd prefer to not have to relocate. I'm clearly still insane.