A little over 2 months ago my friend committed suicide. I wasn't incredibly close to them, but I wanted to be close and better friends. Unfortunately, I didn't get that chance. I have struggled with suicidal ideation since I was 7, and I'll be 17 tomorrow. I live a small New York town (I travel between Stuben and Livingston, so if anyone knows any resources here please help me out).

 My therapist is about to have a baby, so I'm going to start seeing a new therapist, which I am excited for because my therapist just doesn't get it. She's nice, but doesn't understand. I have told her I am passively suicidal multiple times, and its just kind of normalised to everony around me I guess. Since I am smart and self aware, maybe people don't think it's as bad because I am conscious that it's bad. I think people think that when you are self aware of something, you also know how to fix it. But anyway. Im going to see an EMDR therapist and I've been looking for a general therapist in my area. 

I tried going to the psychiateic hospital, but when I went they were full and now I don't really want to go because I don't want to wait 48+ hours to be addmited. I'm a minor so a lot of stuff is unavailable to me. I just don't know what to do. 

A few days ago I was thinking about my friend who died, and in my head for a long time suicide has always been something violent which is why I haven't  tried since I was 12, because now I am scared. I was young and didn't know how to do it, but now I'm older and more aware, so I think if i tried, I would likely be successful if I really wanted to. So I really need help because recently I stopped caring. I realised that I wouldn't have to be violent, and I could just overdose or something. 

I don't want to hear about how it's going to get better because I know it will. There are days when I'm okay, but I'm still at a constant state of dissatisfaction and hurt. I can see life being bearable someday, but now I'm just hurting so much and it feels like I have nothing now and that I'm not getting help.

I take 100 mg of Luvox for ocd, depression (dysthymic disorder), and anxiety. I went off it for a couple weeks and now it doesn't work as well as it did before, but I don't mind it because I feel like I need to be sad for my friend.  I feel bad when I feel okay, and I feel bad when I'm sad, so I don't know what to do in that respect. 

As you can see, I've already started planning on how I'm going to do things. I'm somewhat bitter, and a part of me wants to attempt just so that people take me more seriously and see that what is going on isn't just going to go away. I want them to understand thay I can't just get over my friends death, and I never will. I want them to realise I'm in crisis. I just want help. But I'm not getting it and it's hard. This sounds selfish and childish, and it is somewhat. But I am desperate and I'm so tired.