Its been feeling like this the last couple months. I just exist. I no longer have much interest in things or people ( except my art when I'm not paranoid about everyone hating me ). Even when i have the chance to meet people, even when they make it easy to converse, i just don't. Its like every part of me wants to meet people, connect with people, love life, but when its time to do it, i just check out. 

I feel like the kid in school who sits in his chair, hood on, apathetic as fuck and just bored as fuck and you can just tell by his demeanour that he's bored !

I feel like that 24/7, even though all i " talk " about it wanting others, wanting excitement, but all my " actions " show is that i don't give a flying fuck and i don't care, I'm bored i want to sleep and pretend this life never happened, yet i still day dream about " having the life ", but it feels like that all it is a dream and no matter how hard i work towards it the thoughts in my head just take over.

You will never make it, your past has ruined your future, they will never forgive you, they never liked you, you're arrogant, you're to nice, you're to mean, you're a piece of shit, you're not talented enough, you're to stupid , you fucked up and you're going to hell. I know I'm not a sexist or racist and all those things, but my head says I'm all those things now... its like what the fuck. Its as if someones in my head trying to convince me I'm everything i " know " I'm not, but by making me " feel " that i am instead of actually using logic / reason.

anyways, I'm just frustrated as fuck / thinking nothing good will happen to me, sitting in the pity pot poor me, although part of me feels even if i do succeed how the fuck will i even enjoy it, i don't even enjoy life, because life now is a fucking chore. Maybe I'm just sad ? i Just cant keep doing this. Always paranoid. Feeling like my past mistakes have made it so ill never succeed. Everyone will remember my mistakes and never forgive me. I still freak out over people who ignore me, because i just don't know what i did. So i try to come up with reason, i have many reasons, but no clue if any of them are true. Worst part is, what if they are true, but what if they aren't.  

My paranoia has got to the point, that if netflix makes a glitch, i think its because they know what I've done and they are against me and I'm just sitting here  thinking, fuck, i know i fucked up, i apologized and it doesn't matter. Ill be hated by everyone for life and no success for me, because i fucked up my chances.

Feels like a deep seeded religious thing, I'm a sinner and i sinned and now I'm banished to hell to pay for my sins