I (fwBPD) cheated on and emotionally abused my ex bf. We were both 17 and dating for 8 months—both of our first relationships. I had untreated BPD and basically manipulated him/emotionally abused him but at the time I was having intense cognitive distortions so it felt normal to me. However I cannot stop feeling guilty about it—the relationship ended over a year ago and I can’t go a day without thinking about how I hurt him. The shame is unbearable and it hasn’t gotten any easier to manage after all of this time. He blocked me on all social media which I completely deserve so I can’t reach out with an apology. I want to tell him I was diagnosed with bpd and not that that’s an excuse, but I just want to apologize but also I don’t want to trigger him (so I will not be reaching out). I’m not sure how to move on, even though I’m now in a relationship with the guy I cheated on my ex with and we are rlly happy. But I feel like such a fraud and I’ve self-harmed because of this. If you comment please do not use mean/blaming language as I already know how awful the things I did were and it can be triggering for me—I’m just looking for advice on how to move on.