So let me explain the thought process I go through, anytime I feel like something saying bad, knowing it's bad, not saying it, regretting it afterwards.

Someone says something

*distrust activates*

Now I m getting strong feelings, I have before me the reincarnation of the devil pretty much.

"don't say anything, you're crazy and you know it"

FIRST SCENARIO: I say it

"you're a god damn psycho and I wish you die in hell"

Everybody looking at me like I am a crazy person

I feel relief, the sense that I didn't let somebody walk all over me, plus I feel strong. YES, I'm a MAN now.

One hour later, I realise I was probably out of it, and yet, my feelings are still there, I still distrust the guy, my heart feels right, and my brain knows I m wrong. Doesn't matter, I'm happy.

SECOND SCENARIO: I don't say it

Think to myself: "if I'm right, that means saying nothing means I'm not defending myself"

*anger builds up*

"did I just run like a little mice?"

*anger builds up again"

"So, you can't say what you think or feel and that's the right choice because it's making OTHERS happy, great."

Then I try reading articles to calm me down, how to deal with anger, or go shower, smoke, binge 9 episodes of Mindhunter on Netflix.

and If I'm lucky, the anger passes.

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So as you can see, I'm in a lose-lose situation. Whatever I do, I'm not satisfied. Well, I'm even more satisfied when I opt for the bad scenario.

Anyways, I am open to suggestions.