When you don't feel ok with where you are. When you don't feel ok with who you are. Like you're supposed to be somewhere else and someone else. Living another life. When you're around a bunch of friends you've known for years and you feel you know them better than they know themselves. Then you feel like you don't know them at all. Then like they don't know you at all. Then you don't know you at all.
That spiral. The black, the white, the black, the white. The grey is just a moment where you feel them both conflicting and you feel like you could make sense of it, but it's so fleeting.
Like, I know who I am, I know what I want. Wait, never mind. It just doesn't add up. I'm just so sick of being fake. I always thought everyone else was fake, but it really is me. You wanna do this thing I don't want to do? Cool cool, I'm in. Some other thing another day? Sounds good. I recommend I thing I like? Blank stares. Nah, you're right that's stupid.
I dunno. I just feel like I'm trying way too hard now and it's becoming obvious. I could kind of seamlessly blend in before. It's becoming more of an effort by the day. Like Hey! I'm normal, you believe me, right? ...Right? I just want to find one person who thinks like me and feels like me but I can't relate to anyone I meet. It's happened before. I know that spark when I find someone I can feel I've always known and they know me. But I haven't felt it in years.
I dunno. Sorry for the ramble. I'm just lonely. Lol...sigh...