I have pushed myself to put in the work to manage my borderline symptoms. I can’t afford DBT at the moment, but I’m working through the work book. In the last few months I’ve gained incredible self confidence, calmed my emotions, and reduced my suicidal ideation to 0. 

And yet. The one thing that has not budged is my inability to face criticism or feedback. I literally ran out of my job and never returned because my boss wanted to me with me to discuss some recent events (I found out later what it was she wanted to talk about and it wasn’t all that bad). That meeting felt like a death sentence. I would have rather jumped out in traffic than sit down and hear how so fucked up. Instead I walked out, kept walking, and never went back to work. 

I overreact at the slightest change in tone. I freaked out because I was afraid my current boss wasn’t happy with my progress on a project and that our client was going to fire me (Not True). I’m spent a week off and on again crying in preparation for a meeting with my client only only to have to go extremely well. 

I want to get better. I want to stop behaving in this way. But today, right now, I am in tears because I do not want to face myself. I don’t want to face my flaws or come into contact with all the things I hate about myself. The only way over anxiety is through, and facing my fears feels like being told to stand in front of a gun, let them pull the trigger, and trust that I won’t get hurt. 

If I thought I’ve faced emotional pain before, dear god am I scared at what lies ahead of me on the path to recovery.