I'm not easily offended by anyone anymore. But this girl started work earlier this year and it was my job to train her. Immediately we clicked on a personality level and always enjoyed chatting and making one another laugh. To the extent that I'm not sure that I've ever met a chick that genuinely enjoys my goofy antics. She kept insinuating that she wanted to get together after work but I didn't want to go that far, I guess. Things can get weird at work, sometimes, when you hang out with a coworker outside the workplace. Maybe something comes up and you're left with this awkward relationship of sorts. 

Finally she pretty much flat out invited me out for dinner and we went, had a blast. Just as friends. Then again for dinner. Can't say I've ran into a girl across a table from me at dinner that gives me that grin, really like spending time with me, which she said in the parking lot after dinner. 

Next week, the next time we saw each other at work, I went up to her and said that today was my best day at work so far, productivity wise. Her response was "That's nice" but all nasty like, mean, scowling. It stopped me in my tracks and yea it hurt. Why would you respond in that manner to something that has....yea why? We're not even a competitive workplace, whatsoever. 

Part of bipolar can be attributed to your childhood, in a way, or just dormant experiences that can trigger things. I was always very shy growing up and could never bring myself to ask girls out, low self esteem and lack of self worth, and all I ever really wanted was to have someone in my life. My family life was unstable, mom was and still is emotionally unstable, and my relationship with my sister was hit or miss she'd get all nasty for no reason and verbally come after me. So I guess that I still have a part of me that gets hurt by women. And this instance with my coworker stung bad. Find someone who you can tell loves being around you, then out of nowhere exhibits a moment of the complete opposite. I talked to my coworker about it and he thought maybe she was just having a bad day, I said no because a minute later she was laughing and having a good time with our coworkers. Why? Why would you do that to me? Like a violation of trust thing. 

So a few days later I message her and let her know that yea, that really hurt. She said that it was a misperception on my behalf, she thought I was just joking around. She wasn't being nasty, in her mind, kinda put it back on me like I was misperceiving things. Nope, sorry. But whatever and we got back to having a good time again at work. Similar thing came up again and again over the last month and finally after getting shitty with me the most recent time I let her know that she has a bit of a mean streak. She was like no I don't, I'm just frustrated about this task at work. Ask her why I'm the lucky individual that's the recipient of that, and I'm not the type of person to treat my friends in that fashion. Then she really snapped and said maybe we shouldn't hang out again then!? I thought you didn't have a mean streak? I'm thinking. Never in the 5 months of working with one another prior to this had she exhibited this behavior.

It's hard to cycle out of my head because it's been 8 years since I've had a girlfriend, a big hug or an evening with the lights off in the living room with a nature program on or something, maybe there's a thunderstorm raging outside and the window is open and we're just right next to each other in silence, someone soaking up the last eight years of no affection or physical touch. Need that right now, we got along so well, then these flips and a violation of trust or something, much like I received from my mother and sister growing up. And I'm guessing it has something to do with my condition, bipolar, thought cycling. 

I'm tired of being alone, tired of getting to know someone then you see the complete opposite side and it hurts. Tired of people who don't have insight into thier behavior and being the brunt of thier temper. But I keep going back, keep trying to be with this person, and I didn't want my relationship with my coworker to head to an outside of work thing. But she kept pressing, then lashed out at me on a few occasions. People try to make excuses for women, they are emotional creatures, a little crazy sometimes. Sorry, but that's me, but I don't take it out on others. People suck.