If you like me as a teacher, it's because I am different - probably in a similar way to how you are. Or at least that’s how it feels. I listen to you and I make you feel seen. I show you that despite our cookie-cutter curriculum and endless standardized tests, the world has room for you.
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If you don’t like me as a teacher, it's because I am different. I make you uncomfortable. I don’t know how to speak to you gently, like children. I don’t know how to reward you for jumping through the hoops that have earned you gold stars and smiley faces since you were five.
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Either way, you are right - I am different. Always have been.
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There’s a reason I treat you like real people instead of children - it’s because teenagers are my people. We are very much the same, you and I. You are emotional, impulsive, and reckless. Bouncing between hobbies and obsessions, you want to do everything simultaneously or nothing at all. The friend you love more than anyone one day is your nemesis the next. You are chastised over and over for overreacting, and once the fire is out and you watch as those you love dig the shrapnel out of their skin from the timebomb in your chest for the thousandth time,_x000D_
the embarrassment and shame that engulfs you are almost unbearable. You are always changing - morphing into someone new depending on where you are and who you’re with, always thinking:_x000D_
“This is it! This is the real me!” At the end of the day, you have no idea who you are. Most of the time you’re scared to death.

 When we are happy we glow. When we're sad we grieve. When we're angry we burn.

I have been a teacher for the last 8 years and it has been the best thing I've ever done and have been exceptionally good at and loved. But I am hiding a secret. 

It’s not a bad thing, being this way - you are a teenager and will eventually grow out of it. Unfortunately, what you don’t realize (how could you?) is that the things that make me the teacher you either love or hate - are actually the very same things that make being a “grown-up”_x000D_
very difficult for me.

I have what is called Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s basically PTSD's and Bipolar Disorder’s wild cousin who doesn’t get invited to family reunions. Many therapists refuse to treat someone with BPD because a majority of the symptoms are not things that you can recover from or will ever go away. I rejected this for a long time because having a “personality disorder” makes it sound like you suck at being human, but now I have to accept the harsh reality that this job that I love is hurting me too much for me to stay.

I have been a teacher for the last 8 years and it has been the best thing I've ever done and have been exceptionally good at and loved. However, as an empath it is becoming too much to handle. Due to my deteriorating health and mental state for the last couple of years, I have decided to leave teaching a while. I know that this is the best thing for me right now but I am completely heartbroken. 

I don't know who I am if I'm not Ms. Blackonesplenda but I can't stay. And I can't even say goodbye or explain why I am abandoning them.