the reality that i experience is not the reality that’s actually going on. it’s always completely off from what i thought. it’s so hard to have to explain it to people who get the wrong impression. there’s no way they could understand and i don’t want to put that on them. 

i have no idea how to stop crying. day in and day out, i’m just a weeping mess. i distract myself enough to fall asleep at night only to be waken up by my own heart beat. pounding away in my chest like it could burst in seconds. 

i have responsibilities and people i love. i cant lose myself but it is getting so hard. i do less and less every day than i did the day before. i always thought i was lazy but is it lazy if i’m trying my best? what is my best? that’s the thing, i have no idea. i don’t know who i am. i don’t even feel like a person anymore. i am nothing. i am purely the traits i have stolen from others in order to survive. it’s humiliating just to exist.

like i have been alive for 22 years and  i am not even stable enough in my own humanness to do basic things. it’s just getting so hard. but i am so scared to admit that to anyone. but goddamn am i supposed to struggle this much?