I feel like I’m a hostage to my own mind. I’m so depressed. I feel like I’m ugly no matter how much effort I put into how I look. I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. I feel like a ghost. I have no friends. I don’t have family. I just feel so sad and so empty all the time. Sometimes I’ll feel better for a while, sometimes for a long time and I’ll think to myself “there’s no way I’ll feel that way again”, yet it always comes back. Yesterday I laid in bed all day and cried. I didn’t do anything. I feel like I can’t. I’m currently parked outside a restaurant, and I don’t even want to go in. I just want to go home and take sleeping medicine to knock myself out to see if I feel better tomorrow. 

All I have is my mom and my boyfriend. I saw my mom for a couple hours today but it’s not helping. It just feels like there’s a hole in my chest. My boyfriend is away for the weekend, unexpectedly—at least for me. It’s the “anniversary” of when we met but he has parties to go to with friends and he doesn’t want me to go with. He said for the passed two days he would call, but he hasn’t. He hardly texts me. I feel like he’s already moved on from me. I wish I felt special to someone, but at the same time I know I’m nothing special so why should I.

I just wish I was at a point I didn’t feel like this anymore. I wish I was normal