Self-harm, suacidal thoughts (briefly mentioned) 


Telling people that I know about my issues usually makes them worse, unless they truly get it of course. But I tend to rely and get attached to people who, are nice but they just don't truly get me as much I would wish for them to. If I were to talk about my problems to my friend they would tell me that 'it's not a big deal' or if I were to say about my self-harm, they would say 'promise you won't do that'. I know they say that because they love me, and I know they hate to see me suffer like that, but suffering is natural and people have different ways of dealing with it. Some people may just be able to brush it off whereas others it may not be that easy.

When I say I have to shut down my emotions, I mean it as a way to protect myself. I've made the mistake of saying too much in the past or trusting people too much and the things I say get passed on and it eventually gets to my dad. Who has already made it VERY clear he thinks I'm just to self-obsessed with my 'mental illness' and that I'm being irrational stupid etc etc. So to protect myself I have to keep everything in. It's the only option. I can't speak to the teacher I'm attached to about anything as some of the stuff that I'm doing could be considered as unsafe. Like self harm. And she would have to pass it on as it would be breaking the law if she didn't as its 'child endangerment' or whatever.


Talking to my dad isn't an option as he doesn't get it. My dad's also made it clear if he hears another thing about mental illness or self harm or anything, he won't cover for me no more. He'll tell the whole family about it, precisely what I DON'T want. Because some of them don't get it either.

Telling my friends will mean they will more than likely pass it onto the school and the school will have to phone home as like I said before 'child endangerment '. No I don't wanna kill myself, and no I don't wish to die, but so far I've pretty much kept everything in for 3 weeks, (which is fucking painful) apart from talking to my online friend who has helped me greatly.

Telling a teacher isn't an option either, that's just asking for it to get to my dad.


And telling my counsellor isn't an option either as if I were to mention self harm, she would have to pass it on too.

All of the things I've listed are the things that help me, but now I have to abandon them, (even though I'm scared of them leaving me) because I don't wanna feel the pain I did when my dad found out about my sucidial thoughts a while back, through the school. My dad told my grandparents who are in their 80's and I CANNOT BELIEVE HE WOULD WORRY THEM LIKE THAT. I don't know his intentions behind that but I can guess it being a way to stop it. Well he's going the wrong way about it. It's just making me want to shut down, more and more when it comes to telling people how I'm feeling.

Also, as everybody is in quarantine and this corona virus is affecting a lot of people, I'm scared to talk to people about my issues when I get back, because alot of people have had a loved one pass away due to this virus. And I don't wanna dump my problems onto them and make it all more worse than it all is. Everybody is suffering in this pandemic as they've either lost loved ones, plans have been cancelled or maybe like me have attachment issues to my teachers and not seeing them is killing me inside.

I'm about to become the oldest in my school and even MORE pressure will be on me as I have to do my GCSE exams next year. I'm struggling now at the amount of work being set, how am I gonna be able to handle being in year 11? I have no motivation at home and I just wanna lie and bed and do nothing all day, but I can't. I just want everything back to normal I want my security back. At my school I have counselling which has helped me loads and I talked to the teacher I'm attached to and I saw her everyday.