I'm still writing this whole crying uncontrollably because it just happened an hour ago and I made this throwaway account to vent. 

Basically I'm an upcoming international student (Asian) at an university in an English-speaking country. As I will be doing online study this semester I wanted to meet people online just to make sure I don't miss out on the social aspect. Things went well and I actually started to like chatting to people. I joined my university's Discord, where there are a lot of local people as well. But again, my school is still probably 40% international students, majority of them being Asian.

For the past couple of days I only read the messages and they seem like nice, friendly people. They host Discord game nights almost everyday, and well, wanting to join them for the first time is my mistake.

I panicked hearing their accents cause I'm not used to that, and they talk a bit fast. Just talking and laughing around which each other while I stay silent. Even if that game *should* require some talking. I was just sitting there, not realizing even when they called my name. And I don't know what exactly happened the whole time, but I was in tears when I disconnected from the call. 

I'm not that insecure in my English, I have called the school advisor a couple of times and explained my problems pretty well. I would call myself fluent. I did not think I had a problem communicating with English speakers, but this is the first time I'm putting myself out there to like, 10+ strangers. It was all so intimidating hearing a large group of people talking comfortably and understanding each other well. 

I've had severe anxiety and depression since middle school, never taken any medication and did not go to a lot of therapy sessions either. Before, this would make me shut myself off from everyone new, but I wanted to give it a chance -- I'm attending a new school and they seem to be nice people, what's there to lose? And yet, I hate myself so much afterwards, worrying about what they will think of this weird international kid who apparently can't speak English. I'm afraid I will go back to my "shell" again after this experience, but I desperately need some social interaction while doing online school. 

I don't know what steps to take and whether they would let me in again. I hate that my brain is telling me I don't deserve a chance and that everyone hates me now for disturbing their game night. My insecurities of not being raised in an English-speaking country, my mistake of joining when I don't even have to, my fear of not making any friends if it means I have to talk instead of chatting -- everything is making my head hurt so much