Hey, everyone. I've never posted here, but I'm running out of places to turn and don't really know what to do now. I don't think I've ever felt so stuck.

For context, I left a really abusive home in early 2018. The actual abuse isn't really significant now, but living there forced me into a constant survival mode. During the last year there, I started dating my boyfriend (who we'll call Ty), and he became my only support system. My family couldn't be trusted and the friends I had when I graduated high school were really toxic in the end. I spent a year nearly isolated - unable to get a job, enroll in college, or even leave the house without permission or someone to accompany me. But, I had my boyfriend. I'm not proud of the ways I treated him. It wasn't all the time, and never intentional, but I know there were days I hurt him. Even though he checked me on my behaviors, we talked about them, and I apologized, I know I can't take back what I did. I wish I had the chance to. 

But, in April of 2018, a handful of extended family helped me leave. They couldn't offer me a permanent home, but they helped me leave the state. I lived in my brother's basement until I could find a job and an apartment. During those months, Ty and I had the occasional argument, namely about his failure to understand my situation. Admittedly, I'm really bad at handling confrontation and bad emotions, and typically when faced with them I spiral. The way I react depends on the person, but with Ty I had a tendency to panic and fear the worst (which means he had to help me rather than feel what he needed to, and it became an infinite circle of Feeling Bad). Long story short, one of the arguments led to him implying an ultimatum - I seek professional help, or we break up. Of course, I had every intention of finding a therapist. But, I live in a small town, can't drive, work full time, and wanted a therapist capable of dealing with me. I wanted it to be as perfect as I could manage... meaning, on a whim in October last year, I called the only office in my town and scheduled an appointment.

The original assessment I filled out listed me as a 112, meaning it read me as being at severe risk for suicidal tendencies/actions. I learned later patients who normally score in that range are in inpatient facilities. I met with my therapist once a week in the beginning. Over time, she diagnosed me with GAD and MDD, and helped me quite a bit. At the three month mark, she had me repeat the original assessment, and my score had dropped from severe to moderate and we celebrated because it meant progress. Even I had started to notice that I felt more stable.

Then, in January, I felt wobbly again. After our winter shutdown, a boy (who we'll call JP) started harassing verbally harassing me - calling me a bad and mean person, telling me I never did my job and didn't deserve to have it, and so on. I attempted desperately to push it off, even though it made me feel worse. I didn't want to report it to management for several reasons (i.e., losing my position, JP acting worse, etc.). But, JP eventually started to scream and cuss at me constantly, as well as borderline threaten me with physical violence, and I broke. My supervisor found me crying and our general manager met with me the next day. JP was told he was harassing me, and was suspended for three days. Immediately following his return he was suspended again for his attendance, though when he finally came back he didn't stop. At times he taunted me about telling management all together. In the end, he argued with one too many people and was fired in a meeting with my supervisor and our production manager.

Of course, I later learned that during the meeting our production manager called me "nothing but a whiny tattletale". I haven't been able to come to work or look at him same since.

In the middle of dealing with JP, Ty asked for a break with me. I had a feeling it was coming since he'd been distant, though it hurt regardless. He told me it wasn't because of me, and he still loved me and we weren't breaking up. I've been trying to be okay about it. I'm giving him his space and not being my normal self about it, but admittedly, I'm terrified. I don't want to lose him, but I'm scared I will. I can't help thinking about it being over me, and I know it's my brain speaking, but it's hard to not pick through every detail and blame myself. 

Then a really, really bad thing happened. I went to work. I thought it was a normal day (whatever you can call normal when you're chronically depressed). A little over half way through my shift, I was talking to a friend, and he admitted to feeling suicidal and having a plan. He didn't want to be home. I didn't know what to tell him, but wanted to help, and ended up offering my spare bedroom up for the need or however long he needed. He didn't tell me immediately that he was coming over, though almost an hour after our shift he called me and said he was on his way. I let him in. He borrowed the shower. He talked about what he was feeling - scared, liberated, free. Then he got drunk, and sexually assaulted me. He fell asleep in my bed and I crawled out to my living room and cried while I talked a crisis line. 

I reported him to management the week after. The same week I was demoted, and lied to about why. In the middle of it all, I reported him to the police, and he was arrested March 22nd. I can't help but feel guilty. I can't help but wonder if I made the wrong decision.

In short, it doesn't feel like I have much left to lose. I keep wondering if I need to admit myself because I spend too much time on autopilot ignoring my own emotions. I'm scared, and sad, and I've never felt this alone.




