It sounds silly but I do, my dreams, the checkout from reality, it's my place of comfort these days and each morning that I wake up is a bitter reintroduction into a life and world that feels like it's gone to shit. 

That moment of awakening all the thoughts come back "how the fuck am I here at 36? What's wrong with me? Why can't I get it right" and so on. I've been through abuse and trauma, quite a lot of it andi get you have to be kind to yourself but it's really tough when you feel so alone and like all you do is fuck up.

My current situation is that I live alone with my cat (who is the only reason I get out of bed), I have a broken ankle, my relationship with the man I love has gone to shit over the last 2 months, I have no job (it requires being on my feet which I can't do)  and don't want to go back to my trade as it's thankless and soul sucking. I'm in debt and all my family that I'm close to lives abroad. This isn't a poor me, this is just a lot to handle and I'm not coping well. 

I just feel like these days life is set up for you to lose. Unless your rich. I feel alone in my relationship since he blindsided me by throwing in my face mistakes from the past which we had agreed we'd moved past. After that I went on the attack and for what? Stupidity. 

I just feel checked out. I'm someone who's known to be so full of life at times, so engaged. Now, I don't see the point, you work hard and when something happens to you it's almost impossible to get help. I've been on a waiting list for mental health support for over 2 years now. It's was fined while I was coping, but now I'm really not. 

I think life is better in my dreams, even the bad ones. That's all I lived for right now, dream time.