I don’t really know how to start this, but basically I was dating someone for about 6 months. Throughout the months I grew a very strong dependency, that he fed into. We were on the phone, or texting, or video calling, or in person, all day. Every day. For six months. He became my best friend, and at some point my only friend. Things got really rocky, I developed issues of my own, which led to a VERY ugly breakup. A lot of screaming and crying, a lot of harsh words, and some things being said that will scar me forever. That all probably sounds super shitty, and it is. But as I’m sure y’all aware, something that comes with the territory is that a loss like that feels like it is the absolute end of the world. The end of your life. All in one I lost my best friend, my boyfriend, and who I convinced myself was the love of my life. It’s been 2 months now, and for a minute, I had almost moved on. But I feels like right when I was exiting that co-dependent relationship, I stopped talking to him, I deleted all our pictures, I started really fucking moving on: he started on me again. Texting me all hours of the night, being really sweet, etc.. which makes me think he still loves me. Fast forward to today. We’re on the phone, and he’s telling me about someone he’s seeing now... I’m trying to be nice, I’m not making comments or being sarcastic, so he keeps going. When he hangs up, I flip out. I use what little information I have of the guy he’s seeing to find him, and I do. I don’t have a 100% confirmation because I was never told his name. So I text my ex and mention what I think the dudes name is, in the literal worst way possible. Before I have confirmation that that’s who it is, I make a joke about sleeping with this guy. My ex freaks out understandably. I can see it’s genuinely bothering him, and while any other time that would kill me, I don’t stop. I keep going. I make it worse. There is no way to make the situation worse than it is at this point, and I don’t even know why I’m doing it. Of course I’m jealous, but jealousy doesn’t make you do bat shit crazy stuff like this. I don’t know why I’m doing this to him, and I can’t seem to stop. I’m in deeper than I ever wanted, and I’m drowning in the awful things I’ve done. There seems to be no way to stop.