(28 F) I am extremely suicidal. My new form of “self-care” is researching and making a plan to end my life. Realistically, I know that I cannot kill myself as I am a single mom and love my son very very much. I grew up without a parent, I don’t want to do the same to him. I glorify a life that I do not have to live anymore. I have a partner that I love deeply, it feels like her (29 F) love for me is more convenient than real. I recently had breast surgery and had to lie that I needed 48 hr care just so she wouldn’t run off and leave me unable to care for myself. Day 3 she was gone. I feel alone although I’m never physically alone. I feel overwhelmed with a son that requires a lot of discipline every day. I have no siblings, no friends, very little family. I’ve been depressed since I was 12. I’ve worked hard to make a good life for my son and it all feels pointless as I can’t find an ounce of happiness in my life. I feel that my emotions and love for others is so deep and not at all reciprocated. I wish I could close my eyes and not wake up. Sometimes my little plans are the only things that get me through my day. I hope one day I am surrounded by people who love authentically and not make me feel so alone.