It always gets like this, after some time. I don't understand why I can't ever keep people close to me all the time. All my close friends, my *childhood* friends, people I promised I'd grow up and old with—we lost touch. And every time, it was because I didn't feel attached to them the right way. I didn't feel connected. I didn't bother calling them back, or texting them, or checking up on them. And now, I'm all alone. And I deserve it.

And what hurts most in all this? I thought my boyfriend and I would endure. He's the first person that I could genuinely see myself staying with for a long time. He's the first person who felt permanent to me. And I tried so, so hard for our relationship not to end up like my other relationships. I put in the effort, genuinely. I texted first, and I asked for time together, and I organised activities with him, and I did everything in my power to keep the flame going. I wanted this, so bad.

And now I feel like I'm losing everything.

We used to text more often, have fun conversations, and now we just. Don't. All that because I'm an asshole who can't communicate properly and overreacts and makes him feel bad all the time. I tell myself that I haven't done anything wrong, that I just tried to explain myself—and two of my friends who I asked to be very honest with me told me what I said wasn't toxic and was justified—but I feel like it's my fault either way. I'm the only common denominator in all my failed relationships. Correlation doesn't equal causation but, at some point, you have to start asking yourself some questions.

It just makes me feel so bad. I don't want to cling to him because I don't want to be more toxic to him than I already am, but God. He's the only thing I have left. If he leaves, there's genuinely nothing out there for me worth fighting for. I know it's irrational to some extent, because he's supposed to spend next week with me, and he's supposed to come with me and my family for another week later this summer, and we're supposed to move in together in September, whenever we have things figured out. But what if he's only saying he's going to do all this because he doesn't know how to tell me he wants to leave? I can tell I'm wearing him out. He almost never texts me first anymore. Our conversations are dull and almost one-sided, evend when I try to engage more.

I know I fucked up, again. I fucking hate everything. I hate myself. I just wish I would be normal, easily lovable, patient, and everything. I can't even look at our convos without feeling sick to my stomach. I feel like I ruined everything.