I feel like there is so much wrong with my head. Right now, it's 7AM. I haven't slept since yesterday, and I don't feel tired at all. I'll probably end up staying up all day and going to sleep when I finally crash far later in the night.   


This is a daily thing, the 'not-sleeping' thing. It's kind of an issue, I guess, but I feel like I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations when there aren't any other people awake. I get to be by myself, even if I don't really enjoy my time alone because it is full of criticism (i.e., internally like there is another person judging everything I do and giving me instant feedback).   


I rarely find enjoyment in things for very long. The only thing that keeps my attention for long periods of time is gaming, and that's more of an obsessive escape than a patently real hobby. I'm not even good anymore. I used to rock at FPS games, but now I lose more often than I win. So I try other genres. The ones that keep me really engaged are the RPGs, because they let me pretend I'm someone else who can actually function in any type of social situation. Or perhaps do something worth accomplishing. 

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Gaming is full of empty achievements. It's like hours and hours of my life are just gone. But it is more enjoyable than anything else. I have played guitar for years and years but I feel like I plateau'd and won't ever improve further than where I am today. I don't have any friends so I can't find any reason to do anything but just game constantly.  


They always used to tell me I was smart, that I could do anything I wanted. Now I struggle with the most basic problems. I realized how little I actually know and how many common-sense decisions I utterly fail at making. I feel like as time goes on, I become more and more stupid and lose more and more of my mental capacity. I can't even talk to my own family without stumbling over words and making awful grammatical/sentence structure mistakes. It's like I am a toddler babbling incoherently.

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Pretty much the only thing that gives me any sort of happiness is marijuana. Not that it is legal where I am, so it's not an acceptable medical treatment. It also precludes me from getting any sort of real job. Speaking of jobs -- I have lost so many over the years because of just not showing up one day. I have an awful resume. I have sent out 49 job applications in the past month and received exactly a single response. I was not hired for that job -- probably because I bombed the interview. I am a man who depends on his partner.

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Sometimes I feel like I have another person inside of me who is capable of doing subjectively terrible things -- an ideologue, a rebel. I suppose the separation here between revolution and terror is the victor, is it not? I doubt I would act on these impulses. I'm too much of a wimp/loser to do anything that could change the world. 

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I can't even put food on the table for my kid, my girlfriend does everything. I'm such a piece of shit. I love my kid and try to hide what I am feeling from her, but I can't always do that. It breaks my heart to hear her ask me if I'm OK when I've broken down on the couch. She sees me staring at the wall, or off into space, I know she does. I don't want to fail her but any sort of change seems utterly inconceivable. 

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Speaking of my girlfriend, she is someone else I have failed. We just lost a child to miscarriage (days before the due date). I obviously haven't been there for her like I should have. I don't know what to do about it. I can hardly be a rock for her, I'm more like balsa wood. Splintering at the slightest pressure. 

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Sorry for how disjointed this all is, it's stream of consciousness and I just wrote what I am feeling. I can't even talk to people I've known for years about my issues, doubt I could get anything done with a therapist. I can't even express my feelings to the mother of my child. Maybe a long drop off a short ledge would be the best thing I could do for myself.