I understand that having BPD, not just for myself but for everyone, is an extremely hard thing to deal with and to cope with. I know we act out way more than normally, and tend to overreact in certain situations whereas most normal people would not. With that being said, though, I do think we are all a little hard on ourselves as times. I don't think everything is just "our fault" you know? But we seem to think it is because we deal with this sick mental illness one way or another when something goes wrong in our lives everything just HAS to be our fault right? no. wrong. Everything is not our fault.

I started dating this guy at the beginning of July. Everything started out perfect, as usual. That's how it goes for any relationship. I really thought this guy was safe for me though, which usually I don't always feel towards people right off the bat. 

We broke up yesterday. I know that most of the things that went wrong in the relationship were my fault, because of the way I responded to things. And I did seek assurance from him a lot. But, I don't think everything was my fault. 

For starters, when I care about someone I care very intensely. My emotions are very meaningful. And I actually never expect someone to give me the same amount of care in return because nobody can care as loving, as intensely, as those of us with BPD. Nobody. I understand that though. Of course it would be nice to find someone to match that, but not always likely. Just the truth.

Anything that went wrong in our relationship had to be my fault, nothing could ever be his. Ever. Twice I cried in front of him and he barely showed any emotion, but instead laughed at the stupidity. Which really put me down that he laughed in my face. I am quiet BPD. I show hardly any emotion towards most people, but this person I really opened up to. I shared a lot of dark things with him that I haven't shared with most people, other than my mom, sister, and two closest friends. So, of course that really made me feel bad.

Also, he did something nice for me maybe twice. I was always very caring towards him and almost tending to his every need as it is. I was always the one to pay for food, I would even pay for things for his home as well (I was aware that he did not make as much as I did so this did not bother me, when I cared about someone I got you...) and the most he did for me was basically buy me ice cream one time because he was already having to pay for his friends food because his friend was venmoing him so he was just like "this ones on me" lol... ok. But still, not a problem. When I care about someone so deeply nothing like that matters.

And like I said, on top of that. Everything was always my fault. For ex: just the other day he called me when he was riding the bus back from campus. I was not in a bad mood but apparently to him I was so he abruptly hung up the call telling me to text him back when I was in a better mood. I was never in a bad one, but of course this gave me a bad start to my day. He ended up texting me saying he was "sorry" for whatever he did. But then still, that situation was my fault, not his because of the "energy" I was giving off. I was acting the exact same way I always do, I'm very aware of it so I'm not sure how he even got this vibe. It sounded more like he was the one in a bad mood but wanted to blame it on me.

Then, not even 30 minutes after that he facetimed me showing me a present his friend had just gotten him. This present was the exact same thing I had gotten him, and he knew I had gotten it for him for Christmas. I even facetimed him the night before and he told me how much he liked it. But, this one his friend had gotten him was bigger and basically better. And he was even talking about it and saying that in the facetime call which really hurt my feelings. Because he knew I had already paid for his, but yet his friend had given him that one for free and he took it knowingly he had basically the same thing for me. My question is, why could he not have just told his friend he already had one since really his friend was just offering it to him "if he wanted it" because it was for free? It hurt my feelings. And to make matters worse for me, emotional wise, he went on to say that if I couldn't RETURN the gift I had gotten him, he would just give that one away... lol. :) ..... of course this really did hurt my feelings, I felt very underappreciated. And always did by him. I told him how I felt about it, and once again he completely disregarded my feelings saying how I shouldn't be causing a problem over that. I wasn't even causing a problem, I very briefly communicated with him and told him how I felt.

And then on thanksgiving night, I had texted him and asked him a question. He didn't respond for an hour, which actually things like that don't really bother me as much. But what did bother me was even though he hadn't been talking to me for (now almost two hours) I sent him a cute snapchat and he left me on open, meanwhile not texting me back to the question I had asked. This actually really did upset me, and I was already on edge about everything and feeling underappreciated by recent situations. So I did text him saying "No response? I texted you almost two hours ago, but you can open my snap I just sent but not text me back...? OK, I admit. This was childish of me, but I was already on edge. I know, though.... I know.

Well, this just sent him overboard. He immediately texted back saying "what the absolute f\*ck is your problem?? I just got my phone to charge." following with "got d\*mn dude" following with ..

"You are a problem actually"

which of course, really hurt my feelings. It would hurt anyones feelings most likely but especially those of us with BPD... Because we do always feel that way anyways.

I reacted calmly to it and just stated that I was just confused about the timing of the texting vs him opening my snap, ect. all that. He never texted back that night, and didn't even say goodnight. He texted me the following morning saying how he just felt like I had lied to him or something.

Which, I have never gotten upset/said anything to him before when he has taken a while to respond. The only reason I did that time was due to the situation, it kinda confused me. But I do understand the way I responded to it was childish. 

Everything was fine Friday between us after that, but honestly I was already kind of done. He made me feel really lonely in the relationship and I was already thinking about ending things myself, but it's the fear of feeling abandoned that makes that so hard for me to do, so at the same time I would have preferred to work through things. But I knew the break up was coming though, my dreams never lie to me, and Thursday night I had a dream of us breaking up very soon, just didn't know when. My dreams never lie. Ever, crazy. But true.

I'm doing very good though, I'm not sad about losing him at all, I did cry a little and do feel a little hurt but it's not because I miss him or want him back- I don't. It's the "always feeling abandoned no matter how hard I try or care feeling" for me :) lol. Also along with really opening up and giving my all to someone who most likely just used me. It's a good thing we broke up because I have actual plans for my life. Real life plans. He doesn't. All he seems to like to do is smoke weed every day, and he doesn't want to work/doesn't believe in working because he talks about "Babylon" and how we are all under control. Which, he isn't wrong there- but still. The only way to really get through life and live a good life, without ending up homeless/on the streets/couch surfing is by working for what you want. I mean, yeah he has a job now but he doesn't want it forever. Doesn't have any goals, and doesn't care to.

I can't be with someone like that. It just felt like he was sucking the life out of me and weighing me down, he always made me feel stupid. We did have a great mental connection though, and we had really amazing days when we were best friends. But I'm just done. I have him blocked on everything, he's about three hours away from me right now because he's at home for the holidays. But I really feel like when he gets back, he's going to wish I was still there. I mean, all I ever did was good for him? And I also know I was the best he ever had when it came to s\*x. He could never last more than 5 seconds. (I'm serious, I'm not joking.) But oh well, when he wants me I won't be there. :) sorry, should have cared beforehand. I'm also not about to be that girl you break up with when you go back to your hometown, so you can do whatever you want, but then come back here and get back with me. absolutely not. sucks for him, I may have a mental illness, but when it comes to a relationship I give out loyalty and care like no other. Like I said, nobody can care as much as us BPD friends do. :) 

Back to the work thing though, I really have always found it weird that we are forced to live on a planet, we were given no choice or anything. But yet, we have to make it by, have to pay to live here, ect. I've always found it weird. And if you think about it, there is no such thing as free will. Because when you are "given a choice" you are only given a choice based on the few things you have to choose from. That's not really a "free will" to me, idk. I'm just ranting now I guess.

Anyways, let me know what you guys think.