I hope that's the right tag. Trigger warnings for vomiting below.


TL;DR : I was in a terrible place three months ago, made medication changes and worked hard with a therapist, and today was able to face one of my triggers without spiraling and having an anxiety attack.

One of the things that triggers the hell out of me is when my partner goes into self-loathing spirals and sends me screenshots of their conversations with others, basically asking me without asking to interpret what the other person is thinking. 

My partner did such a thing today. Three months ago, this would have triggered a huge anxiety attack, complete with vomiting. (I'm reluctant to tell my partner just how badly it affects me when they do this because I don't want to add to the pile of rationalizations for their self-loathing.) 

Today, instead of that attack, I felt a little uncomfortable and a twinge in my stomach. I was able to say that neither of us can know what that other person is thinking, that they probably have stuff going on that we have no idea about, and that all we can do is give them space to work their stuff out. 

So, this is a huge step for me. The combination of medication changes that my provider made, plus the weekly therapy I've been doing with a social worker, have made a huge difference. 

I know that there may come a time when what I'm doing now isn't working anymore, but of that happens, I hope I will remember this point in my life, where I was really, really not in a good place, but was privileged enough to have access to help to make changes that worked. I also did my part: I asked for help, which can be terrifying, and I made myself stay open to the suggestions which were given to me. 

I don't pretend to know what works for everyone, and I know that it's easy for me to say all that and what a privilege it is to have access to help. I just hope that maybe a story of quality of life improves and progress might help someone be a bit more hopeful that things can get better.