Been working again for a month. 
I am crazy hard on myself about my weight , since this job I have gained close to ten pounds within a month, I am actively on my feet all day plus outside of work...
I am starting to spiral. Suicidal thoughts, making myself throw up my food plus thinking about cutting again
 I hate myself more then ever. 
I thought this would be a time in my life where I lost the weight but instead gave me more issues.
Also I know this sounds so superficial and awful.
But I seriously only feel this way towards myself, I don't tell anyone about this shit at all. 
I hate how hard I am. I hate my body and I hate myself and I hate how bad this is flaring up my bpd.
I feel lazy, fat, disguisting low life who can never do anything.
Plus it doesn't even help when everyone at work seems like I'm keeping it all together when on the inside I am ready to snap