So the psychiatrist says that it’s a possibility I have borderline personality disorder and/or a (for now) unspecified mood disorder. I didn’t know where else to share this but in therapy which is what I wrote this for, but maybe I can just have a discussion here with people who will understand these feelings. 


“Everyone is going to leave. They’re going to leave or I’ll never be interesting enough to bring any person around me. I want to die. But I can’t die so I won’t attempt it. For my son. But I hate myself. But once this is over I’ll love myself again. I base my entire self worth on one specific person at a time. I just want to cry but my vanity won’t let me ruin my eyelash extensions. Because I have to feel pretty at all times. Because what if that specific person wants to see me or Snapchat’s me? I simultaneously need attention while meanwhile I just want to be alone. I don’t know who I am. Like I know I’m me obviously but who even is that? I think what triggered me tonight was not being answered by this person I’ve been obsessed with for forever. I play it cool to him though. Other fixations on other people are semi short lived and my main fixation is him. Well I don’t know about short lived but the main one is him. Another thing I think that triggered me is seeing my abuser post that he’s officially two weeks sober when the worst of his abuse was when he was drunk. So I don’t know why him mentioning two weeks of sobriety has lead to this. I can’t bring myself to delete him simply because I almost punish myself by making myself read his posts when I want to feel worse. I also forgot my medicine last night because I fell asleep and it’s NOT GOOOODDDD. The worst part is that I’m self aware enough to KNOW that a lot of these behaviors/feelings don’t make logical sense but I can’t help them. I go from believing I am the literal scum of the earth to believing that I’m good looking and a Queen figuratively. I don’t actually believe I’m like a ruler of a country or whatever but you probably will get what I mean when I read this to you. I want attention from someone and don’t know how to go about getting it. Truthfully I blew $572 on a Nintendo switch and games because I got approved for a federal tax return but I’ve had no updates on it since it was approved and that was two months ago so I’m not sure if I’ll even have the money to pay my grandma back because I spent her money (with her knowledge) to do it until my money came. There’s an example of my impulsiveness with money. I spend what I don’t have in my hands yet. And often large amounts at once. It felt kind of nice to write this down to bring up in therapy. Now I’m going to take my medicine and chill. Oh also I used alcohol to make myself not sad anymore one night, late at night. First time I ever did that. I hate myself for it. My abuser was an alcoholic. Thinking of that makes me want to crawl into a hole all over again. I wasn’t drunk but I was buzzing. I couldn’t stand the taste of the drink and the light buzz felt good enough anyway so I stopped there”