

Past memories have become blurred, foggy or non existent, it feels like I didn’t even exist before a couple years ago. I see things in the corner of my eyes, like black spiders crawling on the wall; and when I panic and try to swipe at them they were never there to begin with. 

And I get these weird episodes, they’re not panic attacks, those I’ve had for a while. I get this sudden indescribable feeling of doom, of imminent death, same feeling as when I talk to people; my breathing stops, my heart starts racing. Sometimes I even see myself from 3rd person, a phantom watching my lifeless corpse. They only last for a couple seconds though, which I’m grateful for. 

I thought all the shit before was bad, I genuinely fear myself, or specifically my mind. Some days, most actually, it feels like I’m not real, like I’m in some fucked up limbo, or a character in someone else’s dream. 

I fear humans and hate interaction, yet feel cripplingly lonely most days. I despise myself, I’ve covered up all my mirrors, not a single picture exists of me from the last 3 years. If I could erase my existence I would, I’m not killing myself though, I’m too much of a coward for that. I have barely no contact with family, though I love them I don’t want them to see what I’ve become, I don’t want to spread my sickness to them. 

Only thing keeping me alive is music, even if it doesn’t being me happiness, nothing does; it brings me some sort of peace, calms my mind for some time.