throughout my life, and in present day, I sometimes can't keep myself from thinking negatively. I have gone out of my way for so long to affirm the negative beliefs that I have. snooping, digging, over-analyzing and doing mental gymnastics to prove that "they don't love me", "they're going to leave me", "they're better than me", "they hate me", and so on.

and i don't want to do it anymore. it hurt more than anything to hear the words, "I just wish you could like yourself." because deep down, beyond all of my worst fears, i want that too. i just want to like myself and to feel safe and to not be so threatened and frightened.

but i have to play the defensive. i can't let anything sneak up on me, not again. i don't want it to happen again. Truth is, I've already given up hope and I already believe that this outcome is inevitable. I'm just waiting.

but every time something happens that could prove what I fear, I can't help myself. I can't help but to believe it, and dig even deeper, playing every bit of evidence I have over and over and over again until I'm just hopeless. 

what can i do? maybe throw the tools i have to hurt myself behind lock and key? Force myself to look at the evidence for the good when I feel hopeless? Maybe talk about what I fear more (usually this leads to word vomit).
and if it works. if I do start to like myself more and focus on goals and hobbies.. What then? are you gonna love me for who i am? or will you leave because im not trying so hard?

Does anyone else deal with this? share your thoughts. I feel so alone in it and i feel like im sort of drowning.