Long story short:  I lost my kids to my ex's family because my emotional outbursts and inability to maintain meaningful employment/independence had become a repeated concern. I'm in my early twenties, and the kids are 4 and 5 respectively.

I've been trying to get myself stable and in a good job and that's going... questionably. I live in a run down trailer my dad gave me and I'm currently working at a drive thru, because my rages got me fired from the only long term job ive ever had (waitressing). We're not even through the first week and I'm pretty sure my rages are gonna get me fired from that, too. I went two months without any MAJOR outbursts, but being unemployed and relatively unchallenged in daily life probably helped with that. Now my savings are gone and I have three weeks til I get my paycheck from working 7.50 an hour.

I just feel hopeless. Part of me wonders if I just need to let any hope of getting them back go, for my sake. Even if I somehow become stable enough to get a gainful job and pay rent, I'm scared I'm going to mess them up like my parents messed me up, if I haven't already.

I failed them. I think about suicide a lot, because I feel like I've razed my life beyond repair. The only thing I haven't ruined is my relationship (girls, find u a man with mommy issues -- he'll balance out the problems you have from dad abandoning you at an early age. Kidding. Kinda.)

Those of you with kids -- how do you make it work? If you surrendered your kids, what was your reasoning? If you climbed back up from rock bottom, HOW DID YOU DO IT? I feel like there's some magic answer I haven't found yet, that everyone else knows this secret to living a meaningful and uncomplicated life that I don't know yet. All I have is my cat and Persona 4. I'm not living, I'm just killing time. Sorry for the unfocused rant. I'm actually sitting here debating if I even want to show up for work (will they throw me in drive thru to drown or put me in the lobby where I'll die of boredom?). And before you suggest therapy -- I can't afford to have it or go without it, it's a nice catch 22. The government counseling agency kinda kicked me out and banned me because I let my treatment lapse too many times over the last 4 years, so a private office is my only option. I have a bunch of dbt worksheets but remembering them when your brain shuts down to the point you can't speak is... difficult, if not downright impossible.