I moved into a new apartment on Saturday. It’s a one-bedroom with no roommates. Just me. I’m very introverted and love my alone time, so I was super excited to have a place all to myself. With everything I’ve been going through, though, it’s all felt so lonely and isolating.

Earlier this summer, I realized I was emotionally neglected by parents growing up. (It was completely unintentional on their part, but still.) It’s been a lot to process. I’ve been feeling lots of anger and resentment.

I’ve also slowly been realizing that I have feelings for my friend. She’s a girl, and so these feelings have been absolutely mortifying for me. I’ve never had feelings for a girl before and I never imagined I would. My parents are quite conservative, and though I know they’d accept me no matter what, I still just wish I didn’t have to go through this right now. It’s even getting to the point where I’m questioning if I’m really a lesbian and that all my crushes on guys in the past have been forced to some extent. And then I’ve *also* been questioning if I’m asexual and/or sexually repressed.

I don’t want to have feellings for her. I’m still hoping those feelings are gone when I see her again (haven’t seen her in a couple months.) I’m just not ready for this.

I’ve been feeling scared, lonely, and basically every other negative emotion. I’m overthinking a lot of things and it sucks. I had no energy today. I mostly just cried. I couldn’t eat much. I’ve just been feeling very helpless. And goddamn, the silence permeating my apartment at night does not help. My living room has no furnture. I have no wifi. My home doesn’t even feel like a home right now.

I just wish I could run from all of these things. Maybe I could handle one thing on its own, but this strange combination of loneliness, trauma processing, and a sexual identity crisis is a lot to handle.

I also tried therapy last week for the first time EVER (my emotional neglect has always stopped me asking for help), but my therapist was extremely invalidating and triggering throughout the session. I requested to get a new therapist, but now I’m a bit wary to trust one.

Life just plain and simple sucks today. Thanks for reading if you did. Words of comfort, encouragement, or even advice would be appreciated.