I had to travel home recently to visit my family (my sister had a baby!!!) so my girlfriend and I (and my family, obviously) got tested for covid and we went back to my hometown. We return home soon and it’s always hard for me to re-leave my childhood home. I feel like bpd sucked up so much of my life. I spent so much time in so much pain and being here makes me feel so bad for my younger self. 

I also feel guilty whenever I get into a tiff with my family because I have convinced myself this is the last time I’ll ever see my parents because of covid. I was always like this pre-covid, and think everyone has a fear of that now, but every time I get triggered at home (usually anger or frustration), I feel so incredibly guilty. Even if I just appear to not be happy or if someone comments I’m on my phone too much, I think about how horrible I am and how this is how they’d remember me. I always had an irrational fear of something happening to my parents or being abandoned (I lost a sibling randomly when I was younger, so we can assume it comes from that lol), but a pandemic obviously makes that no longer really irrational. 

Realizing now this post is kind of all over the place. But I’m also just having a hard time accepting that life has moved on without me since I graduated high school and college and moved on. I feel like I’m failing and have nothing to show for it, while my parents are still here living in their dream home they built themselves. I left and things just kept going. How stupid to think it would stop, lol. Being here just overwhelms me on every way, and I know I’m going to feel homesick when I leave, and then become even more paranoid about something happening to them. It’s a heavy burden to carry and I know I’m not alone in it but it’s just so hard to only ever feel regret and guilt. I also don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling guilty for how difficult of a child and teenager I was. Obviously, I have a diagnosis now and understand why I acted in certain ways (and still have my moments), but, simply put, it just makes me feel so much regret. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to cope with the regret. My life just feels like I’m constantly doing things to distract myself from my regret. 

Sorry this is a bit of a bummer. Honestly when I started writing it I thought I’d be able to make some sort of jokes. Then I started crying and realized perhaps maybe I just need to let myself vent hahah