My husband told me 4 days ago he’s lost all passion for me and doesn’t think he can do this anymore because I just mentally abused the hell out of him for so long for no reason. He was doing nothing wrong!!! I was just so afraid of being abandoned and I always felt so empty that I kept begging him to do more. I needed more to feel loved. It was so confusing to him because to a normal person he seemed very loving. Not to me. And now he’s leaving even though he promised he never would. Making all my worst fears of abandonment come true. But there is hope. I decided literally today that I am going to do an inpatient intensive treatment. I don’t wanna be this person anymore. I’m 27. And if my husband changes his heart and stays he stays. If he doesn’t he goes. I will be okay. I can do this. We can all do this. Because if we learn to control it we won’t fuck up the next time. There has to be more for us. And pray. All the time. I just found God literally 3 days ago and feel more at peace than I ever have even though I’m crying constantly and suffering this great REAL abandonment. I’m not just imagining it or making up ridiculous scenarios in my head. My loving great faithful God fearing husband is leaving. Pushed to far. The most patient man I know. Is leaving. I did that. It has to be okay after this.  This intense emotional prison is not my life anymore. 

By the way weed helps so much. No matter what anyone says. It suddenly gives me the “grey matter” I’ve been missing. LOL I WAS AN ANATOMY MAJOR BEFORE I FUCKED COLLEGE UP TOO SO I COULDNT RESIST THE PUN! Because Grey matter is in your brain and bpd patients think in black and white. Haha. I thought it was funny. But no one else probably did... yet another trap of this terrible disease. Thinking everyone hates you. For literally no reason. IT WILL BE OKAY. 