Am I the asshole? Mom edition. 

Please feel free to be brutally honest with me. Posting here because I'll be honest, bipolar 1 makes me feel some emotions really hard and I need to know if I'm really the asshole or not here. 

For some context: My son is 9 years old and so is his friend in question - we'll call him M. Their friend in common is 8 - we'll call him F. They're in 3rd grade and have all been in the same class for 3 years, last year being 100% virtual. 

My son and F have been best friends, inseparable since first grade, until this year. My son has always been friends with M, too, and F was friendly with M but not close. Wanting to talk to both of them one day, my son sets them up on a group chat in Messenger Kids, and for months, probably even over a year, it's going really well. 

Around 6 months ago, my son starts playing with another kid - let's call him J. He plays with J a lot but still talks to M individually, F individually, and M &amp; F together. None of this has ever been a problem until about a week ago. Because my son was talking to another kid, too, understandably M &amp; F became closer. Over time, the two of them would talk together more. My son still talked to them, but it has died down dramatically. 

On February 16, my son and F are on a call, and M tries calling each of them individually and then proceeds to call the group chat 14x in a span of 4 minutes. M's mom immediately texts me 5x in row, while I'm working, asking me if my son can call M too because M is trying to call them and ran up to her upset to the point of crying. I explain that my son and F were on a call because they haven't had a call just between the two of them in a while. She tells me M's feelings got hurt, and I acknowledged it and apologized on my son's behalf, mentioning that my son has been upset that M &amp; F play a lot together and he feels left out sometimes too so he understood the feeling and got on the group chat immediately and apologized too. She ignores my response and reminds me he literally ran to her super upset. I'm a little annoyed at this point that they can do it to my son but the second her kid feels like he's being excluded it's the end of the world, but I leave it because I hate drama. And these last 4 days have me feeling like I got sent back to high school without my consent. 

Things are fine until Monday this week when my son comes upstairs while I'm working, bawling his eyes out because M's mom just yelled at him and F after they get off of a call with each other to go on the group because M won't stop calling again. I text her and I bring up the fact that my son feels left out because M &amp; F play together a lot. I explain that my son just wanted some time to talk to just F and that even when the three of them are on a call, M &amp; F are mostly playing with each other. I told her my son was really crying about it. (I know they're dramatic but they're 9, and we've all been there.)

She responds by saying my son told F that he would call him when he got home so the two of them could play a game together. M was really upset when they all left school and told his mom on the way home. She tells me, "I really don't get or understand why the 3 of them can't just call. It's ridiculous because M felt left out. I don't like any kids being left out!" 

I respond by saying: "Wholeheartedly agree! My husband and I just explained to our son that him saying that definitely gets interpreted as them not wanting to play with M. He's like "but I didn't say that!" We told him we know you didn't say that, but you can't control how someone else takes it. Just like they can't control how you take it. Or how F would. The three of them are such good friends and are like this little trio of awesome kids - they should all just talk. Such drama! We're not even into teenage years yet!"

No response, but I honestly didn't think anything of it. The next day at parent pick up, she's physically distanced herself from me and when I say hi and try to talk I get one word answers. F's dad shows up and she's suddenly talking his ear off. She's talking to another kid's mom, too. Later that day, my son and F are trying to play together and they get scolded again once M gets on the call by M's mom saying they shouldn't be leaving M out. 

The next day at parent pick up, she said, "God it's so windy right here, let me move" and then again steps a good distance away from me, again only responding with one word answers. Other parents show up and she can't stop talking all of a sudden. After school, my son made it all of 3 minutes talking to F alone before M starts calling them repeatedly. My son doesn't want to upset anyone so, despite being upset that he's again not allowed to play with just F, he just gets on the group call. My son and F try to play Fortnite when M's game is downloading and she's "whispering" to M that she doesn't understand why they all can't just play Roblox while M's game downloads. Again, they have all individually talked to each other without issues until recently. They often times would play different games but still talk to each other. All of a sudden, M's mom says he's not allowed to play Roblox if he's not playing with a friend so they all need to play it until the game downloads. My son said he had to go and got off the call. 

My son barely talked to either of them at school today and ignored their request for a group call after they got home. He's so upset with M and his mom talking to him the way she has been that he doesn't even want to talk at all. What he really wants is to talk to F who's been his best friend for years but apparently is no longer allowed to without M involved. 

So I'm pissed at this point for being shunned for sticking up for my kid (without scolding someone else's kids in the process) and I start trying to gather the facts. I look through the Messenger Kids log because data/facts don't lie (and I'm both annoyed and hyperfocused at this point...)

Since November 18, so we're talking almost 5 months ago (140 days): 

My son has had: 
- 2 calls longer than 10 minutes with just F
- 10 calls longer than 10 minutes with just M
- 10 calls longer than 10 minutes between just M &amp; F (this number does not factor in how many calls M &amp; F initiated to each other outside of the group, so this number is significantly higher but I can't see their logs so...)
- 43 calls longer than 10 minutes with the three of them together

Of the 65 total calls, my son has talked to F alone twice - 3% of the total calls. 15% is with just M, 15% is just M &amp; F, and the majority 67% includes all three of them. 

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I'm the asshole for calling out that my son, who has been excluded at least 15% of the time (and again, if I could see their calls just between M &amp; F this number would be much higher) was upset when her special snowflake got excluded on exactly 2. !@#$ING CALLS. over a 140 day period. I'm sorry, WHAT? (I am actually sorry for the snowflake comment because I get that mama bear mode is strong) Your kid really can't handle 2 goddamn calls where he's not included but can leave my kid out 5x as often?

But again, me standing up for my son (who, if I wanted to make the victim I absolutely could but WON'T because he should fight his own battles and not get me to interject and yell at someone else's kids) makes me the asshole. If anyone has a right to be mad, it's ME. And I wasn't until I got the cold shoulder 2 days in a row for doing nothing wrong. The energy at pick up these last few days has been so awkward it's uncomfortable. 

Today I cordially said hi and then proceeded to listen to music and do crosswords on my phone until my son got out. If you're going to ignore me anyway, I'm not going to make an effort anymore, but I'm not going to be rude either. Do no harm but take no shit, I say. 

I originally was going to wait until tomorrow to see if this continues, but I 100% know it will. I'm the least confrontational person I know but I was planning on texting her and asking if we could talk on the phone or meet up for coffee to talk because this whole situation is awkward and not fair to the kids at all. 

Please for the love of God, if I'm the asshole, please explain it to me like I'm 5. How would you go about rectifying this situation? I'd love nothing more than to have it out with her for having the audacity to yell at my son multiple times but I'm not going to burn a bridge that directly impacts my son. If M goes, I fear F will go with him. 

F's dad will definitely side with M's mom because I'm fairly confident that if M's mom hasn't had an affair with him yet, it's definitely on the horizon. I know she's got a lot going on in her life between fighting with her husband, having to deal with her father in law quickly deteriorating both physically and mentally without help from her husband/his son, and losing her own dad a few months ago.

But I have my shit too. I lost my Pop Pop who I was extremely close to around the same time. My father who had multiple strokes in 2020 and is paralyzed on one side lives with us now and requires constant care. I'm not trying to belittle what she's going through by any means, and I'm absolutely not trying to say my struggles are worse. I bring it up only to say we all have our shit to deal with, and it's not fair to take it out on someone who has nothing to do with any of it.

I'm sorry for the novel of a post, but I'm at a loss for words (despite what this post may show). I have always had social anxiety and have always gone out of my way to avoid conflict, but I'm willing to do what I need to for my son to salvage his friendships. I'm dealing with a recent ADHD diagnosis (in addition to bipolar 1, anxiety, and depression) later in life (30s) and am finding it extremely hard to focus, even with medication, on things outside of this situation. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Many thanks in advance,
One stressed out Mom