I know that sounds so stupid but I’m a 21 year old girl and I’ve been seeing my therapist for the last 6+ years, at least since I was 15 and first hospitalized. She’s so sweet and knows every single detail about me and my life even the things I don’t remember telling her. The issue is the last few years I’ve been canceling appointments last minute and cutting appointments short after about 15 minutes or so because I fall silent and don’t talk to her. Part of it is the fact that I have a terrible memory and can’t even remember what I wanted to talk to her about that week (people with depression and anxiety related memory loss can relate), and part of it is that I get embarrassed to talk about certain things, because I’m afraid she’ll judge me. My therapist has never judged me in the past, so I don’t know where this fear came from. She’s always been supportive and kind. Recently I’ve been doing this thing where I don’t make an appointment for months because I’m worried I will waste her time because I fall silent, or because I feel like there isn’t anything to talk about because I “feel fine”. I’ve done the journaling thing where I write everything I can remember about my day and my current issues and read them out loud to her, but it’s not genuine. I get embarrassed reading from a journal prompt or my notes app on my phone. Part of me wants to have a genuine conversation about my issues, but that’s been so difficult for me. I’ve brought fidget items like putty and my crochet projects, but I feel rude using them and not paying attention to her. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do? My next appointment is in two weeks. I canceled my most recent appointment last minute because I didn’t feel prepared enough to talk to her. My last appointment was over a month ago. Any advice would be appreciated. For context she is a cbt talk therapist. She’s fairly young, I’ve never asked but can’t be over 35. I’ve contemplated finding a more structured therapy but I also don’t want to leave her after all this time.