I apologize for formatting, I’m on mobile.

I’m not sure if this belongs here because I’m not (yet) diagnosed with bpd. I’m certain I have it though, I just only recently reached out to get professional help instead of trying to deal with stuff on my own.

Anyways, I have an amazing bf that I’ve been with for a little bit over 2 years. The thing is that, if I have bpd, then he’s 100% my favourite person(bf knows i think i have bpd and am getting help, he doesn’t know that i’m certain he’s my fp). All of our arguments have been over miscommunication and misunderstandings, he’s given me no reason not to trust him. 

The thing is, I have a huge fear of abandonment that comes from being abandoned and replaced by loved ones in the past. This causes me to get very jealous over things that others might consider being “no big deal”. I have trouble communicating with my bf even though he’s never reacted badly to anything I’ve ever said. It sucks, I wish I was able to be able to talk about what’s bothering me with him but I’m scared.

Because of this, I bottle up some stuff because I’m scared that my bf will think I’m trying to be controlling and pull away from me, replace me or leave me. Not only that, but I think I struggle with “splitting”. Sometimes I think that I mean nothing to him and that he’s just laughing about me behind my back, and I feel like he’ll just think I’m pathetic if I try to talk to him about the stuff I’ve been bottling in for a while now. I’m also scared he’ll take advantage of the impact he has on me and try to manipulate me (it’s happened before, with someone else). 

Obviously, bottling things in is not going well. I hate keeping things from my bf. Maybe the stuff that upsets me so much would seem stupid to anyone else, but it matters enough to me that it makes me panic and I hate feeling like this. It’s weird because I know it’s irrational but it upsets me so much. 

Anyone I try to talk about this with just says “Just talk to him”, but I either get scared to or I don’t want to talk to him because I feel like I should push him away. I’m sick of hearing the same thing, because it’s honestly not helping. 

I guess I came here to see if you guys have been in similar situations, and to see if anyone had any advice? 

I tried to put in as much info as I could, hope it makes sense lol

TLDR: i have an awesome bf who has never given me a reason not to trust him, but fear of abandonment+splitting makes me jealous and unable to communciate those feelings with him.