For a while now I've been distancing myself a lot from my friends. I've gone from seeing them every week or so to not seeing them for weeks and dodging when they try to invite me to hang out. I've isolated myself a lot over the past few months and basically never leave my room anymore besides when I have to go to school.

The problem is; I simply can't be around my friends anymore. It's gotten to be too much for me. Almost every time I hang out with them something always happens. I end up doing something and looking stupid in front of them and judged, or make mistakes while driving and they laugh at me. Sometimes I'm made fun of for being a virgin at 20. Basically every time I see them is a time where I'm judged and looked down upon. Even if they deny it, I can tell they all just think of me as a loser. 

And it doesn't even stop there. Most of my friends are white, yet most of them just casually say the N word around me (I'm mixed), completely disregarding my feelings on it. I've even told them I'm not cool with it before, only for them to completely ignore it and either attack me with racist comments or saying that I'm overreacting and being ridiculous for being offended by it.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm always dreading the days I see my friends now because I know it's just going to be more hell for me. Sometimes the dread of being judged is enough to completely erase my appetite and I stop eating for day or so. I'm constantly judged for things I can't control. If I'm not being put down by things about me, then it's from things about them as sometimes they just brag about either their accomplishments or their other friends accomplishments with either work or school (I'm not currently working but I am in college.) They'll either be mentioning a paycheck, or the last girl/guy that flirted or did sexual stuff with them, and on. Because of this I try to stall as long as I can from seeing them and only be there for as short of a time as possible, because it feels like I'm suffocating. I've always had extremely low self esteem and 90% of what they do makes it hundreds of times worse. I don't show it to them because I'm afraid to show any weakness, so of course I hide how I feel around them.

Am I doing the right thing with this? I don't know what to do anymore. All I've been able to think of for months is suicide at this point because I hate existing.