I hate posting my problems to the internet, because I'm a very private and self sufficient person. Only now that my medication is making me feel a little better, I'm starting to feel lonely again after nearly two years without a single friend. I feel wrong, like I want to be loved but I don't deserve it. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved because I'm a boy. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved because I have a type and that makes me feel gross (I am particular to Asian women, but the type so frequently borders on a fetish that I lock off that side of my brain completely for the sake of trying to be a decent person).

I don't know what to do. I feel like I've always been fine being alone, because that's when I'm most at peace and that's when I get most of my work done, but in spite of my true and honest self I still want to be held and told that I'm loved and to just be in the presence of someone who I can really trust. I just feel dirty, and I want the feeling to go away. So please, anyone who has been here before tell me what I'm supposed to do without saying 'just hang in there' or something superficial and useless like that because believe me, I have been for a long ass time.

tl;dr, and more important information, I'm a 19 year old male with depression and anxiety who doesn't know if it's okay to want to be loved because I'm a guy, and who can't trust anyone due to negative past experiences. If you're still here, any words of advice would be greatly appreciated as I am at an impasse with myself and don't know what to do.