2 top it all off,i dont think im depressed. i rlly dont.

i had a difficult childhood. my real dad died when i was a few months old,stayed at my grandmas for a few years as my mom needed to make money somehow without wasting it on me. then,she found a partner and we moved to italy where i witnessed most of my pets die and that my mothers boyfriend was cheating on her the entire time we ve been there. 8 years wasted on a loveless relationship,worst of all i had to endure it while i was extremely young. middle school was a pain,after moving back to romania,i was enrolled in middle school,where my classmates would just pour salt on the wound and call me italian stereotypes which was extremely annoying for me as it lasted about 2 years,call me sensitive but the shit that happened was really painful,sometimes i cried myself to sleep,but you cant rlly blame them as i never told anyone as theyre ur average pricks that pick on u 4 their own amusement.

as of then,i wasnt extremely liked. the harassment at school,multiple classmates that told me to kill myself,statements like calling me unattractive and that i should end myself already,hell,even the principal told me that i lack creativity and intelligence,and so did my current-mothers boyfriend as he told me to hang myself.

i may be ugly,but i have a girlfriend. sometimes i regret she even met me in the first place. we always fight and itll end up in her threating to kill herself,and that im a narcissist and an overall terrible person. when i try venting to her shed try changing the subject or just reply a few days later with something unrelated. she calls me names,yea,and when i agree with her she just tries to act like nothing happened and that shed give me positive adjectives.

i lack friends,all of them dropped me from how unlikable i am,and i dont think ill ever make some any time soon. i suffer from anger issues so its easy for me to hurt someone without my will.

i despise myself and im "too lazy" to change. its as if i try to push away any help that is trying to be sent to me,as i convince myself that i dont need it and that im perfectly okay. i do not need help,not at all,i just need a coping mechanism to alleviate the constant crushing pain of loneliness.

thanks for reading,my best regards