I’m a 28/m and I’m going through my 7th episode of depression over the last 8 years. 

I’ve always told myself that suicide would ruin my mother. But I also feel like I’m torturing her by constantly getting to this point. 

I‘ve barely been able to hold a job for more than a year, and end up basically as a vegetable in bed. 

This time around, after 5 months of feeling normal and working a job promising high commission, I was on a high. I was very positive, working hard at work, removing toxic people from life. 

I was feeling so good that I convinced my mom to buy an investment property (that she’s talked about doing for a while) using about $450k in equity that she had to increase her mortgage payment $1,000/month. It was great because I would move out and live in the house, then we would build out the garage to rent, and at a minimum, I would cover that increase by working.

2 weeks ago I started crying at work and lost my ability to focus. After going through this at previous jobs for 3-6 months at a time and being miserable, I jumped ship after the 3rd day this time around. 

I quit. I have no income right now. The rental still needs another month or two to be ready to rent. 

I feel like the only reason I go on when I feel this way is for my mom. When I feel fine, I try so hard to be self-dependent, but it always falls apart. 

I’m terrified of what will happen when she’s gone and I’m sobbing right now because of what the pain and stress I cause her when I get like this.