I'm curious, and I need some way to feel a bit positive right now... Since finding out you have BPD, and - if you've had the chance or taken steps towards treatment - how far do you think you have come as far as the criteria goes? 

**When were you diagnosed or did you find out you have BPD?**

* 2008/09(?) I requested my psychiatric file and found out.

**When did you start treatment:**

* 2009 I read 80% of the DBT book on my own.
* 2013 (September) I began individual therapy and attended the emotional regulation portion of a group DBT course.

**How would you rate your symptoms then and now? Feel free to expand:**

**Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment**

2009: 10 - Absolutely frantic, especially so if I felt like they were mad at me.

2014: 7-8 - I still don't want my partner in particular to "leave" me for even a short while, but I do understand we all need other interests than our relationship. Still, I require a *lot* of communication/reassurance/validation or I fall into old pits. I still don't deal well at all with feeling left if someone is mad at me, but I do have a sense of acceptance just beneath the surface along with the kind of thinking that I do think, in time, will allow me to be more at ease in this area overall.

**A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation**

2009: 10

2014: 7-10 - This one is difficult to score, because I'm going through a rough patch, but the relationship has gone on a year and a half, when 90% of my relationships had an expiry of 3 months. It's not perfect, but I don't feel like it's a complete trainwreck either. Friendships and other relationships are still a lot of work.

**Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self**

2009: 9 - I would easily latch on to other people's personalities and try to be more like them to please them.

2014: 5-7 - I'm getting closer to feeling like *me* and acting like *me* regardless of everyone else, but it's still difficult, and I'm still trying to master that whole 'liking me' thing :P 

**Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)**

2009: 10 -  I think a lot of the impulsive behaviour listed doesn't match me, but if I'm honest, I would list my 'verbal/emotional diarrhea' as one of impulsivity. Basically, speaking before thinking... Big time.

2014: 6-7 - The thoughts/logic are there, but sometimes they're still trying to catch up with my mouth/emotions/actions ;)


**Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior**

2009: 0

2014: 0 - I'm the strange BPD who doesn't do this? I have trichotillomania now which I did not have in 2009, but that is usually associated with stress/anxiety rather than SH.


**Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)**

2009: 10 - Completely unaware of this back then.

2014: 8-10 - This is still prevalent but I am more conscious of it. I still find the most mundane tasks difficult to do just because of how I'm feeling, and I can be WEE one minute, and BOO the next.


**Chronic feelings of emptiness**

2009: 7-10 - I was housebound for a long time between 2009-2013, and really down in the dumps. It's hard to place, but I'd venture it was high, although this is a hard one to answer.

2014: 4-6 - Still a really difficult one to pinpoint for me. I feel like nothing I felt or feel persists for too long except for when I feel abandoned and depressed over that, so if anything, I usually just feel 'alone' :P I'm not sure how to interpret it, as if being completely underwhelmed by all emotion or what, but I'd say I'm more overwhelmed than underwhelmed. I always thought this criteria was too general though; I'm not walking around going "I'm so empty!" -_-

**Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)**

2009: 10 

2014: 4-7 - ALSO really difficult to place. I feel like I'm still constantly bringing up issues, of which I *wonder* if I make out of simple things, but I'm not *usually* blasting someone. 


**Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms**

2009: 10 - The paranoid thoughts, for sure, were terrible. My dissociative symptoms have always come and gone, sometimes mildly with anxiety about going out, and sometimes extensively with highly emotional turmoil.

2014: 5-7 - Completely dependent on how stressful things are. There are some things I can definitely deal with better now, and others that throw me right back into the throws of this kind of thinking (IE, fear of abandonment). I'd say it's a lot rarer for me to *usually* react as intensely to this kind of thing as I used to.

*I can definitely see a change, and in not that long of a time since really beginning DBT and work regarding BPD. As a possible example, I'm feeling.. Almost a little empowered right now - like things could still be okay - despite going through a tough time right now. I'm not sure if I should be like... Yay? Or start wondering if I have BD on top of BPD hah But....... Ya, I see the progress, in little ways, even if I still get swallowed whole by my issues sometimes.*