i pushed too hard. i asked for too much. he used to always fight for this relationship but this time he’s giving up bc he’s too tired of me being upset about things all time. 

all i wanted to do was love and be loved. i feel like i can never do anything right. i always push every one away. i hate being so toxically broken. i wish my brain wasn’t like this. 

i went on antidepressants recently and was hoping he would wait it out for me while i adjusted to them. but he’s too fed up with me at this point and says he can’t be my boyfriend anymore “in the way i need him to be”. he’s throwing around confusing blurry language. until i beg him to be concrete. 

he usually always comes back, whether the fight was bc or me or him. but i’m afraid of if he doesn’t this time. but also part of me is afraid if he does. 

we love each other so much and keep trying to improve but it keeps getting toxic. he has a lot of narcissistic traits, but has shown a lot of capability for growth (i knew him for two years before we started dating seriously), which is why i entered a relationship with him despite the red flags. part of me feels relieved to not have to deal with those issues. but the other part of me feels agonizing beg-for-death loneliness, bc returning to a solo life with 2ish friendships was i think even more painful than the things we’ve gone thru in our relationship. 

my chronic pain went away bc of the content i felt in this relationship. even tho it had some imaginably ugly issues…i just need to know i can still count on him, bc losing another person…i just don’t think i’m strong enough anymore.