I’m 34 years old. BPD has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember. 

There’s been a lot of ups and downs. But for the most part, I guess just because of feeling beaten down by life, I let a lot of things go. I don’t really get close to people because I really don’t even care to go there anymore. For all intents and purposes I’m just trying to get through my life right now, even though I still struggle daily with finding reasons to go on. 

Over the last 22 years, I’ve been to countless therapists, been on every medication, tried different techniques (sorry guys, DBT is not for me), everything I can think of but I’ve never found any lasting peace.

Happiness isn’t something I’m really hopeful about anymore either. At best, I’m hoping to just make it through semi-numb, because that’s better than feeling any emotions. 

But when I’m alone with myself and my thoughts, an overwhelming sadness and feeling of despair always comes creeping back. 

And I get to the point where I sob. I cry so hard my whole body shakes and I can’t catch my breath. I’ve even had periods where I’ve cried so hard it gives me a pounding headache afterwards and my vision is blurry. 

And when I try to talk about this with people, even my parents, I can tell that they just don’t understand feeling like this. I can see the look in their eyes. They try to be sympathetic but they’re at a loss as to what to say. Like the title says, they either can’t, or they aren’t willing to comprehend what this feels like.

They don’t understand that I hate myself so much that it actually brings me pleasure to think about hurting myself. That I wish I could step outside my body and beat the shit out of me. Beat myself til I’m unrecognizable. Maybe even kill me. That makes me feel good, it really does. 

No one understands how I feel like in every moment of my life, I’m just trying to feel like I have the right to exist, because deep down, I don’t think I do. 

I feel like I’m here on this earth by some great error. That I need to make the best of it while I’m here but I should never forget that this wasn’t meant to be and that I really don’t deserve to be here. 

They don’t understand the feeling of simultaneously being thrilled when someone is loving towards me, while also feeling enraged and annoyed at them for being so stupid and gullible as to fall for whatever it is they think they see in me. 

As far as my parents specifically, they don’t even understand that they had a huge part in making me feel this way! I have tried and tried to talk about my growing up years and calmly explain to them that my childhood years were one of extreme emotional neglect. 

And at this point, all I want is for them to acknowledge this fact, and then we can move on. That’s all I want. 

But they refuse to even consider that. Or they just do not get it. 

So yeah, just needed to vent.