The only person I can imagine being with is my ex. But he fucked up so bad and made some irreversible choices so it doesn’t fit my ideal and therefore probably won’t work. 

I am by no means overly affectionate but I am now really feeling the consequences of lack of romantic affection from someone I have mutual feelings for lol. In my head I will just be my own boyfriend but where the hell am I going to get the physical affection lol? The worst part of this is I am by no means an affectionate person but now I miss it?? Casual sex isn’t an option for me, it’s a sign that I am episoding hard so I now am avoiding it because the guilt and disgust when I’m out of it is too much. 

How the hell do people fall in love with multiple people? I feel like I am broken lol. If I had to pick between trusting someone or dying on the spot, it’d be the latter because it’s the quicker death😩 ugh.