multiple trigger warnings by the way!!! Too many to type but if you’re sensitive to things like self h*rm and dr*gs and su*c*de don’t read. 

So let me start out by saying this will be a lengthy post so thank you to all who read the whole thing. 

These feelings started my freshman year of high school, I am now a 2020 graduate. 

It started at my grandparents house. I was sitting in bed on my phone when suddenly I felt like I was in a dream. I started internally panicking. Nothing felt real and I began to question every single little thing. This feeling persisted and never want away. It was a 24/7 feeling. It lasted throughout the whole summer and my freshman year. 

During freshman year I would have multiple panic attacks because I started getting unwanted and scary thoughts in my mind about the strangest things. I could not control my train of thought. This lead to me breaking down in the shower and begging my mother to take me to a doctor. 

So she did, and he diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (I had and still do to this day, have strange “rituals”for a lot of things). 

He put me on medication (I don’t remember what it was called, sorry) and it made everything worse. I started feeling suicidal thoughts and I started putting myself into dangerous situations which ended up in me having a bad interaction with a guy friend (read between the lines I would rather not directly say what happened). 

So anyway, after that situation I began lashing out at people. Every little thing made me start drama and just generally be a little b*tch to everyone. 

My friendships became unstable. Very very vvveerryyyy unstable. One day I hated everyone, the next I wanted to be everyone’s friend. Including the guy who hurt me. I was so afraid of being abandoned by everyone and being left with nobody. 

Fast forward to sophomore year, everything is about the same. Just me causing stupid petty drama just to make me FEEL something but then regretting it and begging for forgiveness. I cut the guy who hurt me completely out of my life. I continue to put myself into dangerous situations and I start using substances to cope (no hard drugs or anything like that but still). I resorted to self harm as well. I went to a clinic and got tested for disorders and stuff like that and I was diagnosed with an “unspecified depressive disorder” and generalized anxiety disorder. I was put on medication for it which is the stuff I take now (Zoloft). 


I started going to counseling and seeing a psychiatrist. I saw my counselor once a week and my psychiatrist every like two months or something like that. It helped to have someone to rant to but it didn’t really give me any skills I could use in my everyday life. It especially didn’t help that my counselors kept leaving to go to a “better” job as they described it. So I got a new counselor like every 6th months. 

Junior year. I got into a relationship with the man I am still currently in a relationship with. We are a very happy couple. I guess that’s kind of irrelevant to what I’m talking about sorry lol. Anyway so junior year I continued with the substance use and I just had a lot of breakdowns because I felt like I was crazy and people called me crazy and a psycho and everyone kept telling their friends to stay away from me. 

I would start fights with my friends over small stuff because I felt like no one really cared about me and everyone was going to leave me. 

Now currently...Senior year has been pretty much the same junior year. I did stop the substance use, but my breakdowns have gotten worse. I’ll start screaming at my mom and stepdad about how I want to d*e and how I belong in a psych ward for the rest of my life. I said something on social media recently and people took it the wrong way and started harassing me and calling me homicidal and trying to force me to apologize but NO I won’t apologize for what I said because I believe that I didn’t say anything wrong. I got tired of being bullied and harassed and called names for me just being me so I deleted most of my social media’s. Then my friend posted something on their Instagram about me...referencing something I have said..and painting me in a bad light. Just straight up sh*t talking me KNOWING that I would see it. So after all of that, I deleted social media. I’m just not talking to anyone but my family and my boyfriend from now on. 

I have no motherly instincts and my soon to be uncle made me watch my little soon to be cousin when we went swimming at the lake today...I just about lost my marbles. Kids make me really mad. I straight up told the seven year old kid to their face “I don’t want to play with you, I don’t want to hang out with you, I don’t want to watch you, I don’t have any motherly instincts” like the kid would even understand what “motherly instincts” even are. The kid started crying but I felt no remorse. I didn’t care. It sounds bad like I know but I really didn’t care. I swam away from her because I was annoyed and I don’t care about kids. My dumb logic to myself was “if anything happens to her it’s her dads fault.” 

I start ranting to my boyfriend about my mental issues and what is going on in my messy brain and then I just say things like “sorry forget I said anything” because I’m so scared of him thinking that I am crazy just like everyone else does. I don’t want him to leave me because of how overwhelming I can be. Even though I know he won’t leave me because he has issues too and he is very understanding...I just can’t help myself from being like “forget it I’m fine everything is fine”. 


And being an adult? Forget about it. I really don’t want to do it. I have a very childlike mind and the thought of having to grow up gives me very....bad thoughts. Su*c*dal type of thoughts. I really really really RREEAALLLYYYY don’t want to get a job (I currently work with my mother at her office...I don’t like it but at least I get money and it’s easier than most jobs) or do chores I just want to draw, and sing and dance and laugh and just be happy all day. I just want to relax and vibe. I don’t want to be what society expects me to be. 

So yeah...this is why I think I have BPD. Any input? Questions? Comments? Concerns? 

Thank you for reading if you made it this far.