So my story begins where i was 18 years old. From those times i felt a horrible anxiety and fear, tried to surpress it with meds ( quetepine, other sleep pills) so that i could at least stop those horrible feelings for a short moment. I tried to surpress the thought that iv been bullied at school, lost all friends got addicted to computer games, i tried to change my thinking, so that i could justify all those things that happened to me. After graduation from school, i felt same shitty feelings, started going to college, and problems didnt solve. I kept digging a deeper hole for myself by lieing to everyone and myself, that everything that i feel, thats happening to me is justified and everything is okay up till that point, where i got to the point where i dropped out of college. I want to think, that back then, i was juust lazy fuck who didnt want to study, just sit on pc all day and play league of legends. Then i thought, i could lie to everyone and myself about my depression, so that i could not take responsibility for my actions. That theory lived in me for 7 years, as years went by, i went to several hospitals, got on 5 or 6 antidepressants. Through those years, i worked in several jobs, on meds, still forcing myself to think, that there are reason that im working a shitty job, its not my fault, its "depression". For last 6 months, i tried to be honest with my therapist, doctor. I told them the truth about my lies, but the problem is, i cant say that the story about my lies is the truth. I dont know the truth anymore. I dont know how to get to that truth, and how everything happened. I work in a shitty job, no degree, no friends, nothing, just a big spider web that i created. So what do i do now? How i get over everything that i did though all those years? Those lies i told everyone and myself. Sorry for my English, and thank you for responds.