part 1 - [my boyfriend stopped loving me](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/whf5m8/my_boyfriend_stopped_loving_me_part_1/)

Thank you so much for reading. 

The beginning of May came, and he had his birthday. Even though I knew there would be problems at home if I left again, I didn't care since he was more important. i made him a present for a week, since i don't have much money and handmade is always better. It was 252, which is the number of weeks he is alive. Kisses I haven't given him yet, written on the backs of what I love about him and how great he is. Since I'm sick like this, I realized I probably didn't do enough to show my love and how much he means to me.

He broke down after receiving them and the next few days were only amazing and I hoped it would stay like this. We went on a trip shortly after, only to have bad, bad and good days.

He was snappy, irritated, the crowd of people was taking a toll on him and it was hard to stay positive and not break down or get depressed. I somehow managed, until he got food poisoned. my period came the exact same time so you can imagine, it was a bomb.

i still was there for him, helped him out, taken care of him, tried to find what he can eat or not, calling and asking people for advice, only to get told down. he was crying and panicking since he couldn't eat spicy things, he was using the toilet all the time, calling his mom telling her he feels like he will die. he also received all the same tips what he should do as i found for him that he didn't care about.

After the week I had a breakdown, I was tired, in pain and exhausted. He didn't even take a look at me, left me in the bed all day without checking, and was surprised I screamed and packed my things.

It was the first time I said I wanted to break up. I couldn't handle being not even a little bit taken care of when I had a higher fever than him and blood was dripping out of me like I was shot.

i went out and was about to go somewhere, but he stopped me saying if i will really go, its over.

I guess I only stayed because the owner of the villa we were in came to us. I didn't want to cause a scene so I went back to the room. It was bitter for a while but somehow things got back up on track, it was nice. until he started to get moody, wanted to be alone even though i didn't say anything and just sat quietly somewhere else. It ended up with us coming back to my home country, where things got messed up more.

Like I mentioned, my sister always screams at me and is furious when I leave home, even to go to the store. I'm already too tired of hearing that, and my boyfriend knew all about that. I still tried to go somewhere out, to visit the next city. It was also a heatwave so I didn't have much energy for traveling further. yet he still snapped and said we don't do anything all day, he feels depressed that he is in all the time. yeah, we were out every day but nevermind. Then he added that he doesn't feel me being grateful enough, as he offered in the first place to cover expenses for the trip so I don't need to worry and relax. I felt like someone slapped me across my face.

That night I exploded. It was too much, he held me since I rushed to the window with bad intentions. i said i want to break up, i want to have a break, i want to love myself back as i did before. I also wanted him to, like he said, focus on himself and be able to work on himself.

I didn't like any of what I said. I do want to go back to how I was, how strong I was. I loved myself, and I can't believe I lost it so easily.

The next day was harsh. I came back to my senses and i didnt want to break up. it still didn't change his mind. I accepted that, it was my fault for being like this.

he went back and i tried not to talk to him for at least a week. The two days after he left I went to the hospital for a checkup, since my ovary was hurting too much. Turns out I had polyps that needed to be removed. I was scared, so after a week I contacted him. I said what happened and that I will have a removal operation the following week. That day he paid so little attention, it completely destroyed me. turns out he was playing.

The next week I was about to move back to my fathers place. It was the worst possible option, but I tried to give him another chance. I also got accepted to the university, so I couldn't just let it go.

I yet again broke down. After I moved there I couldn't feel any joy, I felt awful, and he didn't contact me at all to see if I was here. I still understood somehow and made my first move.

we fought, i felt extremely bad living with my dad. I expressed how devastated I was after the operation and I just wanted him to be there next to me.

it was okay at first, we went to his house, i stayed there on the weekend. Again, I felt lonely. and he just played.

He took me to the airport, but I was too hurt to hug him or say goodbye. But when I saw him standing on the other side something broke inside of me and I just wanted to stay with him. I couldn't.

We didn't talk much the following week since he was busy. I packed my things again in a smaller luggage and came back there. I also received my hospital results. turns out the polyp tested out to be stage one cancer. I completely lost it.

I was so close to actually ending it but he came running. I was so cold and I could only think about how much he hurt me during those two weeks. How lonely I was. how my ovary and health is not something to be interested in, that games are better.

he was crying and apologizing, but i really couldn't give a heck. I calmed down a bit but I was bitter. We went to his place again and I talked about everything to his mom. She really listened to me well, and I felt such a relief that someone did pay attention. I was and I am grateful to her.

This month he decided to travel more. at the beginning of the month, then next week, then for a full week. I was lonely, but I tried to keep it cool, since I wanted him to rest.

It didn't last long. my precious father came drunk and started to talk to me. I ruined his life, I'm a disappointment, I ruined his relationship, I'm not good enough, I think of his house as a hotel, that no one will love me, that he will stop loving me. i couldn't hold it back, i screamed at him that i rather die, and i will do it if he really things so well of me. he just laughed to my face and called me a psycho, i should go to a treatment, that i shouldn't been born etc. and when i wanted to leave the room, he kicked the doors, then punched a hole in it. grabbed me by my hand, then by my throat and started choking me. After he kicked me and started to scream he beated me more until I reached for my phone and called my mom. He stopped since I had recorded too. My cousin, who is a male my age, came downstairs after I screamed for him for about two minutes. He was quietly just watching as I was choking on my tears. my father was just standing next to him laughing, pointing fingers and saying she is mental right? She is ridiculous, she is lying etc.

After that I couldn't leave the room, I was scared, I couldn't pack because he was throwing stuff out of my luggage. and my cousin didn't even call the police. After a while he came and told me to lay down or he would make me, then I should sleep now. After that I tried to listen to what he did. He then rushed out of the house, took the car and sped off so if the police came he couldn't be found.

I wouldn't really call the police then, I was shocked. I didn't have any visible bruises on me either, and only the doors were scratched. yeah, sure i could point that he was driving a car while intoxicated. But after that, I really don't care if the police catch him or not. I don't want any psycho to kill me if I put him in jail. I packed as much as I could find of my things, didn't really dress properly, just ran out. it was raining, i was scared and everything hurt. I felt watched. no one was on the street so it would be easy for him to just stop the car and snatch me.

i texted panicked my boyfriend. he didn't seem to be shaken by this, he asked if he should call his mom and tell her that. i needed to firstly go to the station to take a train but i was paralized, i hid in a small bus stop booth. i did manage to get to his town and his mom picked me up.

to be honest, if it wasn't for her care and his dads i would have been most likely d3ad by now.

I love them so much.

but i didn't like that his mom was telling me that we shouldn't bother him as he was traveling, it really hurt me.

i was waiting for him to come, we fought a little bit but it wasn't any type of breakdown.

He came back, said hi to me and turned on his pc. because there was an event he needed to participate in. my heart sank.

I let him play that day. The next day I woke up much earlier than him to get my things in order. He woke up late, which I understood. He helped me a little bit with my job application but then went straight to play. I didn't say anything, I just waited for him to maybe console me after what happened, but no. He did maybe take a two minutes pause to sit next to me and ask about what I'm reading, kissed me and went back to play. I was fine.

until he turned to me and said, i'm sorry I know you have it hard now but I want to play and be alone for a little while since I was on the trip with my cousin and there were a lot of people and i didnt have a full few days in a row of being only with myself.

I was out of words. I didn't say anything, and I wasn't in his room for most of the day.

We fought that night, and it was bad. i passed out at one point from exhaustion but he didn't really care and bitch3d on me for that. i still for some dumb reason want his warmth.

He left the next day for another trip. I moved to a rented room, and I felt unwell both physically and mentally. I also worked hard, moved a lot and felt my ovary ripping with every move, but I can't get anything less movement involved since I don't know the language so I can only do labor work. another breakdown came, i didn't feel it was that severe at first but i wanted to pass away again. I just couldn't handle it. I said I just wanted to take an overdose of paracetamol, but he read it as I did. He called his mom, and she called 911.

By that time I passed out from exhaustion. 911 came and took me out without my consent. I was panicking, crying, and cold, because I didn't take any jacket. I told them I'm fine, I didn't take anything and I need to sleep because I have work at 6 - it was 2 am when they came.

Even though I begged, they took me to the hospital. 4 doctors checked on me separately. They came to the conclusion I'm too overworked, underweighted, and as I suspected my ovary ripped a little on the place I had the polyps. They gave me more painkillers and let me out at 4 am. There were no buses, nothing. He was abroad, his family on the other side of the country.

I was completely destroyed. if that time i wasn't brave enough to overdose 3, that time i was.

I trusted him, I told him so many times I was scared of the ambulance coming. I told him I hated him, that I hoped something like this happened to him, and he was left alone at 4 am in a foreign country, taken by force and had to walk half an hour back home in cold weather just in a thin sweater. I felt betrayed.

and he went to sleep, because the next day he wants to drive the car on the left side so he needs to be focused. his mom stayed up, until i got home safe.

after that, he lost every single feeling he had for me, he still want to kiss me and have sex, but he doesnt see any future with us. he doesnt love me anymore.

I keep apologizing, snapping, begging, explaining. It took me only a little to come back to my senses that calling 911 was something he should have done, something he did because he was worried sick. I understood that, I understood his intentions, they were good. I apologized and I thought he would understand my outburst. But now he keeps only getting mad because he has a flu, and I keep him from sleeping by trying to talk things out, so he can't rest. He rests all day, sleeps long, but I still understand and feel bad that I want to have my head and heart at peace. Why can't he understand me? And it's more irrational when his dream was to study psychology, yet he did not read into bipolar disorder. only once when I sent him a youtube video.

He knew my biggest fear, he knew what my dad said and told me was not true.

But he still fell out of love, because it was too much.

And i only feel as the one at fault. that i'm the one that made it go downhill, because my life is too much. it keeps me awake, it keeps ringing in my ears. I don't feel like I have any right to feel bad, that I pressed him to change but hardly could after he didnt do anything. I also called him immature, a lazy 5 year old and an asshole. Since we went through so much, and he gives up before even trying properly. And it really hurt him. I could not keep my cool down though. I am not even sure if he loved anything about me, and if he did, it was probably so insignificant and not enough, so he just fell out of love.

But somehow, I still love him the same. I don't want to lose him. What should I do? Is it my fault? 

I am also in a tough spot, since if we break up I do not want to live so close to him and have contact and help every single day from his mom, even though I love her and I am grateful for her care, I just will not be able to move on even a little when im in such a position. I need to choose what to do, if to stay or go back. Which in both ways is confusing and painful.

I would really appreciate some help. Thank you.

I'm really sorry for any misspellings, English is not my mother language.