I'm currently in a pretty rough depressive episode (from my bipolar) and last week I had a LOT of disassociation (from my BPD). Friday was awful and ended in a really bad panic attack, but I thought that was the peak because I was better Saturday and Sunday, just drained and empty from the rough ride.

Today I got up and went to go to work, but I was hit with a huge wave of disassociation, to the point where I felt unsafe to drive (I drive a lot for my job). I pulled over and called my husband crying that I felt like I was slipping into psychosis, and I was scared to drive and I didn't know what to do. We talked it out and decided I needed the week off.

Thankfully, I work for my sister who is aware of my issues. But since it's a small business, it's a huge burden on her for me to take a whole week off, not to mention we just picked up some new clients so I know this looks awful on her. I sobbed when I got off the phone and began spiraling further into depression and telling myself I was a burden and was ruining everyone's lives and everyone would be happier if I were dead.

I called my husband again and let him know what happened, and he assured me these thoughts and feelings were wrong, and would pass. I managed to stop crying and drove home.

Midway through my drive home, I felt completely fine. I felt tired from the emotions, and still had some negative thinking, but everything else was gone.

I now feel awful that I'm taking a whole week off for this. Like, did I just make all this up to get time off? Was this a single episode that I grossly overreacted to?

Rationally, I know this is the right thing. I've got proof in my journal and my husband's eye witness that I have not been doing well for the past month or so. I know that these feelings are very real, and dangerous for me to have alone in the car. I know that this Thursday, I'm going to talk to my pdoc and see what they want me to do, as far as tweaking my meds.

But I can't shake the idea that all of this is just an excuse. It was just a single, isolated episode that I blew out of proportion. I'm just faking all of this for attention. None of this is real. I need to grow up and act like everyone else.

I know I think this way because it's what my mom has always told me. These are her words, imprinted on my brain, and not the truth.

But what if it is the truth? What if I'm ruining everyone's lives, and always have been, because I'm selfish and lazy and looking for an excuse to get what I want?