  

I’m full of fear and doubts right now. Fear of the unknown. Fear of having no control of the results. Maybe because I’m anxious. It’s been a month since I applied to the architecture program at UP Diliman and Mindanao but up to this day, there is no final result. I already sent all the requirements and even made the appeal but they had to move the posting of results up to next week.

Another long weekend to think and wait about it. Another long week to keep the demons at bay and stop them from discouraging me by **whispering** narratives that bring doom to my mind. 

It's all right. I don’t have control over my life. And I’m fine with it. I hold on to positivity and to God. To be patient and to trust Him that He has a good plan for me. I was fine for the first few weeks. But slowly, my strength is failing. I don’t know if I can hold the gates of my mind against the horde of demons trying to break in. They are slowly creeping in. Slowly chipping away.

I’ve been stuck in different liminal spaces whole my life. No past to anchor to and no future distant enough to look forward to. Physical, mental, and emotional liminal spaces. Changed schools, residences, and churches my whole childhood. It even started before I turned 1 year old. I was born in Manila but celebrated my first birthday in Bacolod. That event was a prelude to my life up to this present point. 

I don’t have childhood friends, no permanent address, and school. Was detached from the world, depressed, and lost interest in life. Started smoking in high school before graduation to distract me because I don’t know what to do with my life. Sought pleasure and fleeting relationship. No deep intimacy and left when I feel attached. Quit when things get rough and no talent to be proud of. 

What changed? Love? Relationship with God? When I chose to forgive my parents? Is it because I’m not changing residence so much? When I found trusted friends? When I started to care about myself and chase the things that I want? When did my perspective changed? That I’m not helpless but have the power to pursue what I want in life? To maximize my potential and also care deeply about other people? To feel all the feelings in the world, especially frustrations and anger, and have this revitalized will in life? When I decided to be intimate with another person that I want to share my life with? I definitely changed but I can’t pinpoint what changed. Maybe it’s everything.

And now I’m stuck again in this liminal space. Trying to hold on until the results come out. Questions are lingering. What does it mean to wait patiently? Is not thinking about it waiting patiently? Is distracting yourself waiting patiently? I continually ask God to give me strength either way. I believe He is in control of everything that I cannot control. I believe He has a good plan but I can’t help but doubt sometimes this belief. Especially in an uncertain time like this. 

To never stop persevering, seeking, and knocking. To be doing something bigger than myself while doing my interest in life. To seek God’s purpose all through my life and never give up. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid. That I might not accept the result and tunnel into thinking that this is worse than death. 

Let’s see next week.