I'm a 22 years old man. I am really feeling bad and it's seems like my life is going nowhere. Everyone getting good jobs, getting university degrees and having their best life and here I am.

I started feeling depressive back in 2017/2018. I was bullied because I suffered from gynecomastia(I still have that, manboobs) I really thought that this feeling was only temporary. I was very suicidal. I used to get drunk and put a noose around my neck and just think about what would happen if I was dead.

I continued feeling sadness and pain since then but I try my best to keep smiling and joking when people are around. I got a job after high-school at a retail shop. Saved some money and started studying accounting(Acca). Saved some money and I bought a laptop so that I can study..

This was my first laptop. I took great care of it and one day a hinge broke and when I went to get it repaired at the after sales department. The technicians added more damage to it to the point that I couldn't use it anymore and they said that it would cost half of the price of the laptop to repair it because the hinge broke because of "misuse". Bought a new laptop and turned out i can't even use excel on this thing. It takes about 15mins to power on and 5mins for a chrome window to open. I still use it. I'm too broke to buy a new one. 

Anyway... I kept living my "happy life". I got a girlfriend.. After we got together, her brother died.. I had to forget how I felt and focus on her.. Neglected my studies a bit and started failing some exams. I even saved some money to get her a ring. Everything was fine until my girlfriend started telling me that I can't support her because I don't tell her what she would say if I was down. This often popped up in our fights.. I really love her and I know that she's not feeling well. I kept doing what I can to help her. I continued working in the retail shop. Got 2 promotions. I really liked my job until I overheard a conversation. The managers were using me. I was doing the job of 3 people and getting paid for only one. I started feeling disgusted and i started realizing how manipulative my store manager was. 

Soon after that I left my job. I couldn't continue working there. Now I'm here. Unemployed, I have no experience in accounting and most of the entry level accounting jobs where I live requires a degree. I still have to pay for this useless laptop, for the internet and I can't even find a job. My relationship is not getting anywhere and my girlfriend's mom has no more than 6 months to live. My mom is tired and old. She hasn't retired yet because I can't even live on my own and she has to pay for rent, bills and everything else. 

I don't have a father. He left my mom after making her and I suffer for 18 years. He was a drunkard and a dick. He pissed in my schoolbag twice, sometimes hit us, forced my mom to have sex with him while I was in the same room and even tried to stab us once. He cut the throat of a man once and managed not to go in prison. Last time I heard from him he was homeless.

So here we are today.. I'm a broke 22 years old man diagnosed with anxiety, a burden for my mother and useless to my girlfriend who's in pain seeing her mom dying everyday. I have friends that I see about 3-5 times a year.. Most of my friends have a university degree, good jobs, stable life, wives, some have their own businesses. I really think that I have a curse and I'm a burden and useless. 

Here I am with a glass of whisky in my hand and tears on my face. I have too much things to say yet I don't know what to say or do. I don't even know why I'm typing all of this right now. I really want to be happy in my life.. At this point I'm only surviving..

If you read all of this, I'm sorry I typed so much useless stuff here although it's only a drop in an ocean...