So first, been diagnosed for a long time and screwed around with what feels like every variety of med possible. 

My questions are first and foremost, is there something inherently wrong with wishing to be mildly sedated or ‘numb’ as people might call it? What I mean is, I can’t slow down my brain, ever. It just never relaxes even in sleep I dream vividly and constantly like full movies in my head I wake up remembering and feeling strongly. I’m tired, is it wrong that I wouldn’t actually mind feeling ‘numb’ or somewhat drugged? My spouse says when I can slow down I am much more coherent and generally able to have a conversation that is actually based in reality and rational. I definitely agree with this.

Second, at what point do you consider the fact that you might just always be fucked up? And hard to live with? 

I had a long convo with my spouse last night, I honestly feel like an abusive partner at times. I’m extremely quick to anger, I get extremely worked up about minute things and I tend to argue aggressively anything and everything to death. I hate this about myself but I question if it’s bipolar or I just generally am an abrasive jerk. My spouse says no, he views me as his best friend going through something. And I view it as me not being worthy or fit to have a relationship. 

If you are not constantly manic but pretty much hypo A LOT what sort of med is going to help that? I feel like my med combo is failing and my spouse says it’s like they stopped working. So wtf is next? I’ve never been put on lithium, I have enough health issues I’m leery of it but is that the end of the line? 

Anyway clearly I’m hypo and yeah I have an appointment Wednesday. I don’t know what to say to my doc though. Show her my post?

Side note I’ve lurked in this sub a long time I just recently got paranoid and scrapped my old account completely.