I’m a married father of five in a house owned by my parents. When we first made this arrangement I was making ok money as a manager in my field. Unfortunately, I had to leave it because I was expected to be on call… even during the birth of my fifth child. I decided it’d be best to leave and with the experience I had it would be no problem finding something else. 

I was wrong. 

What followed was six years of depressing revelation.

I thought I was successful in my career and a viable candidate; turns out I’m not. 

I thought my wife and kids would be with me and supportive, no matter what. When the reality set in that I couldn’t be as professionally successful as I was before, my wife left me with the kids. She came back after I begged and pleaded, but honestly I regret doing that sometimes. 

I’ve had to take various jobs in different industries to provide for my family. In one of those I got very ill- pneumonia and bronchitis for a year, off and on. I found out that my family has no issue with letting me suffer in bed by myself while I wonder if I’m going to die from a hacking cough or diarrhea. I had to crawl to the bathroom several times, and occasionally my wife would stand over me and yell at me about how I’m a shitty husband and father for not forcing myself to get up and provide. 

My own father and mother were initially supportive, mostly. However, now they’ve made it clear that they no longer support my life decisions and I will likely not be living in this house any longer. I don’t know where my family or I will go. 

I’m two months behind on pretty much all my bills. It’s inevitable that my car will be repossessed. I owe more money than I can recoup to loan companies and to my family, who demand that I pay very soon (next few months) or sooner. 

I just got a sizable promotion at work but it’s too little, too late. I’m finally back to making the income I was making before, but it’s not enough; I didn’t succeed. 

I feel like I’ve gone on a spiritual journey, but instead of getting a sense of relief and finding my place in the world, I’ve instead been brought low and shown that my life is largely inconsequential. That any mistake I make will result in everything going away. No one cares why I’ve made the choices I’ve made, or what feelings I have. They’re concerned with my success, and since I’ve had mostly none of that, my life is not valid. 

I wish I had the strength to just allow my wife to leave all those years ago, without begging. I see now she would’ve been better off, as would my children. I feel bad for my parents, who expected so much from me but got so little. I wish I could be the hardworking and successful father my children deserve, that they could love and respect. I wish the people in my life cared about how I felt so I could talk to someone instead of bottling it up and talking to internet strangers. 

Mostly, I wish people cared about effort. I’ve tried hard, and failed regardless. I’m not unique in that. But that doesn’t help me feel valid. 

Most days my body hurts from the lack of sleep and amount of exhaustion I feel. On the days I don’t it’s because I hurt too much to move, and I wallow alone in the realization that I’m failing in this. I wish my life could be happy and fulfilling, but I know now it won’t be.