OH and I got in a fight yesterday over my shitty behaviour. I'm off work right now, they sent me home on Monday because I'm clearly not well. I threw a tantrum over not getting chocolate, which my fat ass doesn't need anyway and hung up on OH because he wanted me to meet him at the shop but I couldn't leave the house, I wouldn't leave the house. 
So that ended and of course I convinced myself he isn't attracted to me anymore, he doesn't love me, he should be with someone else more attractive, thin and normal (which he doesn't have a shortage of on his uni course and he's attractive so wouldn't struggle); he's probably already having an emotional affair, he hates me, I'm awful, worthless, fat, lazy and a total fucking bitch. He doesn't want to marry me! 
I started crying, he noticed and tried to get me to talk - I told him and he said he'd worked a 12 hour shift and really didn't have the energy to convince me he wasn't going to leave me. I felt worse then, worthless, a drag, a useless ball and chain. Just leave me already!! 
I reached out to my best friend which I developed feelings for over a year ago when I was last in a really bad place. Told him everything, begged him to come see me this week, he gets it, he understands. He probably won't come over, I hope he doesn't. I deserve to be alone. 
I then started looking into methods of suicide again, I haven't refilled my prescription and I'm afraid to. Im on heavy antidepressants and beta blockers, I know I could do damage if I wanted to - but who am I kidding, I have no follow through. I'm a coward. And if I did follow through, I'd be like the hated members of my family who killed themselves and ruined their spouses and families lives. And what about my mom with BPD? She couldn't handle it. 

I'm sick of existing. I have a bad feeling (but yet am hopeful for it) that my Dr will sign me off work. I don't want to return there, it scares me, I'm not well enough. I want to be alone forever. I want to crawl into a hole. 
If my OH doesn't want me, no one ever will and I'm sick of showing my pudgy face everywhere. I used to be attractive but apparently solving my emotional issues with food is more important! I'm a worthless human being, I hope everyone just sees that soon and leaves me so I stop having to worry about when they will.

I want to kill myself but I'm a coward, and yes I know this is a good thing. 

I'm rambling, I'm a crazy person, just lock me up and throw away the key, only show me pictures of my fiancé moving on and being happy without me - he deserves better. I deserve nothing but pain. 