I've been ruminating a lot about my past relationship that ended half a year ago and I don't know how to handle all the feelings that has invoked in me and where to put them. 
I am increasingly aware that my ex was not ideal for me and that I pushed my own emotional needs aside, because I was both afraid of asking too much of her (and I think wanting to spend more time with her and having her be "present" with me once in a while instead of what felt like her pretty much always being preoccupied with work etc. and with one foot out of the door, is a reasonable thing to wish and want) and sensing that she couldn't quite give me what I wanted (which I was in denial about I think). 
Unfortunately she still turned into my FP and my emotional stability went so far down drain after the breakup that I still haven't seen even a glimpse of it since then. I crossed a line communication wise at when I was hit rock bottom three months ago and since then we haven't really been talking, which was what I wanted at the time and which is probably for the best for me to work through my feelings. I don't think I want the radio silence to be permanent anymore, but that isn't up to me and perhaps whatever bond we have is beyond fixing or salvaging anyway once I feel confident in my ability to act like a  reasonably sane person around her again. That's not a nice thought, but one that I am willing to accept even if it hurts like a bitch for a loooong time. I know that pain will eventually turn into a blunt ache and I won't feel like somebody pulled my heart right out of my chest, like I can't breathe, forever. 
What really fucks with me atm tho and makes up the largest part of my "what am I supposed to with these feelings" dilemma is me rediscovering all the tenderness I hold for her, despite being hurt over how things ended, despite all the small things that weren't 'right' for me when we were together. She's not perfect, she has a lot of problems of her own and her not being ready to deal with those played majorly into me getting hurt, some of that is and was not okay, even if she didn't do it intentionally. But then there are those memories of her trying her best to be vulnerable with me, of her unadulterated joy over small things, of her actually allowing herself to cry when she was with me once or twice, of her letting herself "be" with me (even if that was something that rarely happened) and knowing most of that was not easy for her, because of her. But I don't know how not to care about that soft, scarred and infinitely scared, but oh so loveable person she's burying beneath all the work, all the people pleasing, all the the desperate clamors for control... 
She was not "right" for me, but by God I wanted her to be. 
I almost wish I could go back to the destructive anger that led to us no longer talking to eachother, because being angry was easier than all of ... this. 
I could never hate her, I got too close for that and very little of what she did, save the way we broke up, is grounds for lingering resentment, but boy do I hope I can learn to become more indifferent, because I can't bare caring so much about someone who may never be a part of my life again. 
Basically I am having a really hard time reconciling that me getting hurt by her (more accidentally than anything else), that my hurt, pain and anger valid and the fact that she couldn't meet my emotional can co exist with all the feelings of care, of sympathy, of ... love. 
And I know I'm obsessing over if far too much for my own well being, but those emotions are so intense that I have a very hard time with not reacting to them after I acknowledge and validate them and hence have a very hard time letting them go. And it's making me perfectly miserable again and again and I am beginning to feel oh so frustrated with myself over it.