Reposted here 

My depression ruined it all. He loves me, but hates me for what I've done to us. I let myself slip into not being able to function, being unemployed, not being able to afford bills and rent. He did everything he could while I sat there losing myself to depression and weed. He had to give up study because of me, lost hours at work because he kept taking days off to take care of me during panic attacks. 

I've been so horrible to him. I've had no libido at all, my depression got really bad and I couldn't express my feelings for him anymore without freezing up, he felt unloved and used. He bought me bright orange flowers on Valentine's Day and I was so caught up in having a bad day that I didn't even acknowledge them, to the point that I can't even remember Valentine's Day at all. I have pictures of the flowers on my phone, he isn't lying about them, I was just so upset and smoking so much weed to cope that I can't remember that day or those flowers at all. I feel like the most selfish human being alive. I don't know how I'll ever make up for that, I'm so horrified at how out of it I've become. 

I work myself up, fake self-confidence to myself, tell myself that I can get out of all the financial shit on my own when I'm at my Mum's. All my stuff is there. How it got there was horrible. We have to leave in less than a week, probably less since we're behind in rent. But when it gets to walking to the bus stop, everything inside me screams to go back and stay in his arms. I don't know what I'll do when I can't see him anymore. My shitty cunt of a brain damaged his relationship with his family, and they hate me. There's no hope at all for reconciliation. 

I don't know what to do with myself once I get to Mum's and he's not there. I can't afford to go to hospital, I just got my job back and they expect me to be 100%. How to I get through that first hour, that first day, that first week, that first month without him. When I get to hers, I'm in tears and on the next bus back. Even at the bus stop to leave, I miss him so much I cry in public. I don't have any other friends beside him. I'd give anything to go back in time a year and do everything different. Help :'(


Tl;Dr: feels like the end of my relationship is the end of my life, don't know how to get through even an hour apart from him and our life together without wanting to go back. That won't be an option very soon, how do I get through the first few hours/days/weeks without my partner/best friend. 