Not gonna be the best w words and grammar rn, it’s late, and I’m sleepy. 

Backstory: Last week my FP and I parted ways. I knew she was seeking space for a bit now, so on November 2nd I texted her and said: “hey I know you need space, I’ll give that to you.” Her response was very thoughtful and kind. I was okay. Fast forward 3 hours: 
I’m in the ER, Bc of suicidal thoughts. I went there Bc I was so over feeling like this over just a friend! Can anyone relate ?? I thought my life was over Bc of a FRIEND, smh.  

Anyways, my family was in so much shock. I was this happy girl in their eyes, always smiling, always laughing, I saw my parents cry, my brothers hold their tears back, and my sister break down.  I did this to them I felt, I truly thought I caused all of this pain. Has anyone ever felt like that?? 

Anyways, when my friends found out what happened, sooooo many reached out, my inbox was getting messages nonstop. I felt loved, but I still don’t feel “loved.” I don’t know what to do. 

My best friends kind of ghosted me, I have no idea why they didn’t reach out before? But when they found out I was went to the hospital they got really spooked. I was so unhealthy, I scared my BEST friends away, to the point where they needed space after finding out I was in the hospital. I am I crazy for getting mad at them?? They said they would always be here, and yet when I hit rock bottom, they say my illness is “too hard to handle, I have a life too!”

1. I fully understand people have other lives and other things to do 
2. My friends knew about my illness and said they would always be there 
3. Then my FP, love of my life goes “everything was a lie, I know you lied to me this whole time” 

I felt like shit guys. I mean did I do anything wrong??? 
My FP the week before said “I’m never leaving” 

I mean what’s going through my BPD brain when I hear that?! The one person that said she’d never leave left because of my BPD, something I have no control over. She said she needed space,  I 100% understood that, but she still could have reached out right guys? She knew how much she meant to me, and she knew how severe my BPD is, and she never reached out. I know she needed space, but not  one text? A phone call? Just give me some clarity you feel?! 

I understand I was VERY VERY attached to her, and I understand I suffocated her w my life, but for two hours, I contemplated life or death, and she never reached out. 

I am beating myself up you guys, today is my 20th birthday, and yet I’m completely heartbroken because I drove the love of my life away, the girl I would do anything for,  needs space from me. 
I love her and I can’t wait until I get better so I can talk to her again, hopefully she doesn’t hate me too much yet :))) 