Been waking up crying because I keep having dreams that someone actually wants me to be around them, and be physically intimate with them. I sleep next to my ex because I have nowhere else to go (unless I want to sleep on the shitty couch we have). I am waiting to get into section 8 housing but there's a two year wait. I can't hold a job because of this disease and others, so I'm on public assistance so I feel like a freeloader (my ex liked to bash me when I was waiting for the application to be processed, "what are you going to do, lay around all day drinking?" Joke's on him, that's pretty much what happened because I'm wonderful and such a great human being!).

Anyway, I was on Medicaid and was able to go to rehab twice, then I was accepted for disability so they disqualified me from Medicaid and put me on Medicare. No local rehabs accept Medicare, so that's a negative. The behavioral health center I was going to consistently before I entered rehab has a two month waiting list to re-establish care because I was seeing the rehab's mental health people. So I waited the two months to get a call saying the provider called out, so they rescheduled me to two more months out with me on a cancellation wait-list. Great. Oh, and the therapist I trusted that I was seeing prior to going to rehab left the organization and didn't leave any letter or contact info(awesome, thanks for abandoning me when you knew I was scared of that!)

I can't leave the fucking house most of the time, my landlord has commented to my ex that she thinks I have a problem, so I am always scared to see her and she lives on the same floor in front of both exits. 

I am trapped. I over eat, sleep, spend, drink, self harm, lash out more than I ever have in my life. If a dog was always hurting themselves and people around them, even after training, they get put down because it's seen as a lost cause, and the animal's quality of life is not good. I feel like that about myself. If I was in one of the European countries that allows euthanasia to people with serious mental illnesses, I would have asked my doctor about it by now. 

It's pretty telling how little I believe in my happiness and hope from the length of yesterday's post compared to this one.

/vent