Last night I had a pretty bad split after sex. It was the first time he came during sex without foreplay and I just felt so trusted and given to. Afterwards I cried because my thoughts flooded with thoughts of my demise if he left.

This was the first time I had felt this connected since my first love. If anything now that Im older I feel more of it. This scares me. I wanted to leave my skin because I genuinely believe he loves me but when I split into my child state, my mind kept telling me to stop believing because he'd leave one day.

Were this post comes in is when I split to child state, its like I need the things I was given at that age. No one ever said they loved me as much as I believed they did. And no one help me causing my self deprecating thoughts of worth.

In those moments I need to be told I love you repeatedly while being held like a child. Just caressed and affirmed. but when I expressed this to my partner(who is typically understanding of mysplitting) couldn't wrap his head around those needs I had. he expressed how he has been saying it all day and night. He said it felt meaningless, similar to if you say spoon too many times and it begins to sound wrong or fake. 

This filled me with aguish and burden. I felt my trauma again. I felt unworthy as much as I understood his points. It feels like a small thing to ask though. I just need him to specifically say Ilove you and the exact word "its gonna be okay" not its okay or its going to be okay. And when its not said I feel displaced and onesided.

After sex I wasnt immediately sad. I expressed how connected I felt as well as I felt like that was the first time he made love to me. All he said was "yes" or "me too". and what made me spiral was him not saying those specific words back. It felt like if he didn't say exactly the same words, that it wasn't as special. And again I begin to feel one sided.

I just want to know if Im abnormal here or is this BPD thing? I just want to believe fully. I don't want to fight my intrusive flashbacks. I want to feel what i never have.