My life has been hard since the beginning and I’ve been unpacking my traumas for a few years now. Been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and BPD. And told that I may want to go on medication for my whole life and the only way for me to feel stable is to make sure I get a good job and a good partner. 

I have had 7 panic attacks in one month. Before this I had one panick attack about every 2-3 months. I cannot handle this, my brain cannot handle this, my partner cannot handle this. I’m also a full time student at uni about to graduate with a part time job. And yes I know how to take care of myself— meditate, yoga, therapy, exercise, positivity, journal etc. I do this these. But the thing is I still FUCK up. I still rant at my partner and push him away. I still get depressed and dissociate in social situations. I still struggle to eat or get out of bed. I still struggle to believe in myself. I feel like all I do is fuck up. And I do try to get better but I still fall down and right now, I can’t take it.

How do I live a life with a brain I cannot handle? It gives me really bad thoughts and I also feel like I don’t deserve to be here. Or don’t deserve to take care of myself because I know I will just mess up again and hurt myself. I just want to be normal. I don’t want to react at everything or constantly get triggered. I want to be able to communicate kindly. I want to love myself. I want to create a life for myself. I want to respect boundaries. But I don’t feel like I can do this anymore.