I should make it clear,I have been abused as a child, and have always been the black sheep of the family. I have had several traumas and also several suicide attempts in my life, I'm only 19. I have always had to self therapise because I didn't have money to go for  consistent therapy. And I was too afraid to ask my parents because I'll probably be shamed for being mentally ill. Now,to the main point,I've always had several issues, and everytime I do I have a fight. I'm always scolded for my volume and yet my voice never reaches anyone's ears. After every serious confrontation that genuinely hurts me I consider killing myself. It just doesn't seem like as bad of a thing it's told to be. I imagine it like sleeping and not having to wake up. It just seems so fucking easy. It is literally the one thing that would put a stop to this pain. I'm so tired of just, fighting. All I wanna do is just lay down a bit,and truly never have to worry about the next day. I'm a black sheep anyways it won't really affect many people,and for those that say it would never really showed me it actually would. So what's so wrong with it,not wanting to wake up the next day. I feel so exhausted. Idc if I'm considered weak for it. I fought alone my whole life, pushing people away seems like second nature to me. Every second feels worthless because it probably really is. So I don't get the concept of why it's so bad. Killing yourself. Considering its probably the easiest escape there is?