Worry about my health is so stressful sometimes and I just feel like it's better to get things over with rather than wait it out as I'm getting older. Even while I know this way of thinking is abnormal, if not flawed, the way it pops up in my thoughts every so often when I'm at my weakest and have a bunch of aches and pains and complaints about my physical body is uncanny to say the least.

I feel like trying to connect emotionally to the world as other people seem to do so easily is intercepted by the way I don't intellectually understand the life I live. It's hard to find specific patterns of behavior that bring me "lasting" or even statistically probable joy. Poetically, if I could comprehend the core of "fleeting" I may figure out how to feel a little better. Not knowing what to expect every day with my worries and emotions while having the same or greater expectations of my achievements no matter what is hard. There's so many things I'm out of control of. I can't predict what I should do next because I'm so starved for joy/connection at times that I feel like I never had it at all. It makes me feel spoiled, to think that the rewards of conquering the difficulty of life is not enough. 

At the same time, being depressed means even things that would make me so happy and comfortable just make me feel tired, disconnected, emotionally empty to the point of numb, and confused. I mean, what's the point of doing anything if I always feel negative about it? Sometimes I wonder if I'm expecting more joy of the world than other people are actually living on. That's why I feel spoiled.

The health aspect trips me up though. Once in awhile, I feel overwhelmingly like the symptoms I have of underlying health issues are worrisome and taking care of every little thing I feel is connected to something else is impossible. Am I just a regular hypochondriac or what?