Okay firstly, I definitely need to be back in therapy. I’ve graduated co-occurring disorder treatment and counseling but fun life thing, he died in March. 

Lately I just don’t know what’s part of my disorder and what’s severe post traumatic stress disorder. I have things from my childhood that are coming up, then some events from recent years that physically shake me to the core because of trauma. 

Because I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, I feel a lot of my trauma is disregarded. And yet I know they go hand in hand. 

My fear of abandonment? Might have something to do with the counselor that took a special interest in me in middle school then killed herself. All I remember is shock and confusion. And then there was the family friend that threw me a birthday party and came over every Sunday to clean our rooms and make us dinner, only to turn out to be a child molester and disappear into nowhere after leaving us weird over special gifts. That was my childhood. Trauma and people reacting to trauma that then left me with more trauma. 

I can’t talk to therapists without them honestly becoming confused as to how I ended up where I am. I feel too ruined.