Hello, this is my first reddit post so please forgive me if I'm doing something wrong. This is a really long post because I don't have anyone to talk to about it lol... I've been diagnosed with BPD for almost ten years now, and have been in therapy for even longer than that. I'm in my late twenties and feel like I have quite the grasp on how to manage my brain since starting a hormone treatment for PMDD (blessed be lol) since no medication ever helped with my symptoms of BPD. But what I feel now is almost...worse? Than what I felt like when I had active symptoms...

I feel like I don't belong in BPD-only spaces because my symptoms aren't so suffocating anymore, and I don't fit in with non-BPD spaces because I still struggle with obvious symptoms...I still suffer from intense mania/rage spirals (mostly to do with injustices or unfairness, and also I can get really wrapped up in remembering trauma stuff) and so people get turned off from my 'intensity' I guess. But I am able to really calm myself down quickly, which I am very proud of. I am really desperate to heal myself, and I am doing really good lately. I've really worked my butt off the past year especially to try and force my brain to act in a healthy way.

But then therein lies my problem -- I feel like I can't relate to other borderlines because I am 'recovered' according to my mental health professionals, but I don't think they really know what I'm like outside of sessions. I have PMDD and I have been on a hormone treatment for exactly one year, and that's when I really noticed the difference in how I manage my BPD. It's as if my hormones were so messed up that it made treating my BPD symptoms a billion times more difficult, even futile at times. It was really difficult to get a PMDD diagnosis as well, but I feel a million times better now that the hormone treatment is working so well. And so once the hormones settled, all those years of therapy retroactively started to work all at once, lol. It is really throwing me for a loop. (I keep asking myself if I even had BPD but then I'll spiral and think, oh yeah, that's why I was diagnosed lmao)

I just feel like I'm in a kind of...limbo? I guess? Because on one hand, I would probably not be diagnosed with BPD if I went to a psychiatrist right now, but I also have to live with that gaping hole in my chest that having BPD carved out of me for so long. So I just feel really lonely. Because over the years, I had friends (and they were my FPs at the time) who all had BPD and I was always helping them manage their symptoms while still dealing with my own, and I never really had anyone to help me manage mine? All those friends were also a few years younger, so I was already in therapy at the time for a while and was able to be a mentor to them. I guess I just feel like I'm in this weird limbo place of "mentally ill but not showing symptoms badly enough to get help" and it's really tearing me apart.

Because of Covid, I had to stop going to a hospital run group for BPD back in the beginning of this year which really sucks. I found it was really helpful to be around other borderlines, but at the same time -- I felt the most 'stable' out of everyone, which again made me feel like "do I even need the help?" (which, yes, I did, and still do lol but I have a lot of issues with doubting myself and minimizing my feelings). I guess I'm just wondering if there are other borderlines who feel this way once they get a handle on their symptoms? Am I just a freak of nature who is an outlier and should not have been counted?? 

The main feeling I have is...guilt? That's the closest word I can think of to describe this feeling. Guilt and shame and loneliness. While in therapy, I was always told that 'it gets better!' and 'you can live a productive life with BPD!' and I never believed it, but then once it DID get 'better', I feel almost more alone than I felt when I had really bad symptoms!! Nobody warned me that once I 'heal' and 'recover' I will feel this limbo of an existence, always looking from the outside in... When my symptoms were really unmanageable, and I was very very ill, I always felt like I was in this bubble in the middle of a crowded room and nobody wanted to touch me or listen to me. Now, I feel like everyone else is inside that bubble and I'm on the outside. If that makes sense?

I just feel so broken and torn, because I know that to the everyday person if I told them I had BPD and explained what it was, they would laugh and tell me 'that's not you' but if I told another borderline I had BPD, my fear is that they wouldn't believe me and think that I was being insensitive or something :( So I'm trapped in this limbo of knowing I have BPD, but there aren't enough symptoms or 'evidence' to justify it. 

The worst part is, when I was trying to get diagnosed with BPD, I was searching for years and years before I settled on BPD and realised that must be it. Then when I got diagnosed at 19, I clung to BPD as a safety raft, a label I could slap on my forehead and remind myself 'this is just what you are' and I found so so much comfort in that. I know some people get diagnosed and they don't want to accept it, but I had been searching for years up until that point for a reason why I felt so messed up, and BPD was my saving grace. I looked up everything about it, I invested myself in learning the different ways it manifests, everything. I probably knew more about BPD than my therapists lol.

So what I'm saying is, when I stopped showing the immediate symptoms of BPD, my life sort of crumbled? My sense of self was SO wrapped up in "I have BPD" and now that I probably wouldn't be diagnosed with it anymore, I feel lost. Like, who am I then? Who am I if not my BPD? I always felt like my BPD was me and I wouldn't be me without it, and so now it's a really tough journey to figure that out. I honestly feel like this is worse than when I was learning how to cope with BPD :\\ Because I can't seem to find a lot of people who are 'stable' (I hate to use that word but I don't know what else to say I'm sorry) and can accept their BPD and live relatively peaceful lives. 

My therapist told me that because of how chaotic my BPD was, I found safety in that chaos. That when I started to get well and find peace, I would find myself starting drama just to feel that chaos again. I almost destroyed several relationships because of that impulse to stir up trouble. I am learning very slowly how to feel safe and peaceful, but now I feel stagnant? Like being in a hot tub with the swirling jets on, and suddenly the jets get turned off but your skin still feels that whirring motion and it kinda tickles. It feels goddamb uncomfortable to sit in the peace and quiet. It's like I'm a ghost living in the former shell of myself. I keep expecting something bad to happen and for me to react explosively like I used to, and then I don't react at all and I am just stunned by my... lack of reaction? If that makes sense.

I was living in chaos and instability from age 6 to maybe 26? And now my hormones are in better control, for the first time ever I have a wonderful stable relationship with my partner, I have a cat who loves and needs me, my apartment is great, and yet I have no friends because of BPD lmao I can't even get any mental health help because I don't qualify since my symptoms aren't chaotic anymore. Covid is making everything so much more horrible, because in the beginning of this year (before everything went to hell) I was going to apply for a job, I wanted to join clubs and groups in my city, and just try and live. But then covid closed those doors and I lost all my online friends because I had to get off social media (I have really bad anxiety about getting sick and it was very bad to see stuff online every day about covid) so now I have my mom, my partner, and my cat and that's it. 

This is so so so long and I'm so sorry, I just have been obsessing over this thought for months now and I finally bit the bullet and made a reddit account just to post here lol. I hope it's not confusing, I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts about this topic. I feel scared to even post this here, since I'm worried nobody will believe me or doubt my diagnosis and experiences.

My question is, TL;DR: I struggled with BPD for two decades, and now I have made enough headway where I wouldn't be diagnosed with it anymore -- but I feel more alone than ever. Is there any other borderline who feels this way? If yes, how do you cope with the lonely feeling? Or what are you feeling about it? What kind of life are you living on the other side of that line once 'it gets better'?