I've been suffering from pretty bad emotional breakdowns where I feel hopeless and sick of myself and everything and everyone around me. I want to commit suicide with hard painkillers but still trying to get a hold of them.
my life is ok, Im in the low mid class and my parents love me but I kinda dont love them I think.
Ive always been awkward around people and have trouble talking to most people.
Half my family hates me and my nephew with whom I grew up isnt allowed to see me, let alone talk to me.
I often remember that one hug I shared with him and how it gave me this warm feeling of security.
even when things go ok I still feel hopeless and dont know what to do, Im thinking about either talking to a psychologist or just ending it all with an overdose.
I don't believe I have depression since I dont rlly feel like I have a good reason to feel depressed and well I dont know what to do anymore.

This is the first time in over 7 years Im posting anything on social media so Im not entirely sure how to make these talking things.
any tips on what I should do or just help with problems is welcome.
sorry for the weird and rapidly put together post, I think I just had a panick attack and Im feeling rlly down and my thoughts are all over the place.