I’ve had a history of schiz ocd, and I was well on my way to recovery. I got over the fear of delusions and the fear of hearing hallucinations by doing ERP and constantly working on it.

Last week, I had a relapse and slept extremely poorly. I fixed my sleep, and still feel like crap, but a new feeling has appeared that I just can’t get over. Lately Ive been hyper aware and over analyzing my thought process and the way I speak.

Sometimes I feel like I speak automatically, as if I don’t have to think and the words just come out. Other times, I feel like I have to think about what I say and then I say it. Even other times I’ll say something in my head, but then not say it out loud which gives me anxiety because it just feels wrong and I start worrying, what happens if I can’t distinguish the difference between my thoughts and speech? What happens if I lose the ability to express my thoughts? During the times when I say stuff in my head, I decide not to say it out loud, and it gives me anxiety. I start thinking, why didn’t I say that out loud? And the times I say stuff and respond automatically, I wonder, how did I say that, I didn’t feel like I had to think before saying that- what if I start believing that I’m not the one saying these things? It’s super convoluted and stressful. To everyone else around me, I am totally normal but in my head, I’m so distracted by the anxiety and just tired out in general.

I don’t know anyone who has this, and I don’t even know if it’s a form of OCD/Anxiety anymore. Originally I thought it was just some mild DP/DR but it doesn’t quite fit the bill because I’m not really experiencing any other symptoms. I just can’t stand the discomfort and anxiety so I feel like I have to figure out what’s happening to me.