 

Hello, im an 19 year old guy From Europe and ive had Mental health issues for years, ive been to a psychiatrist for a short time before, but i didnt continue.

This will be hella long bruh

some points to get to know me a bit lol:

\-i spend the majority of my day in front of my PC(video games or talking to people), but im not a weird kid and i do have friends.

\- i cannot focus and i always think about stuff in the back of my head

\- i can not feel empathy

\- i feel like i had depersonalisation for years now (since i got really high one time)( i dont smoke anymore)

\- i do have really narcissistic ways, but no bad intentions.

\- Music is my biggest Passion and i have talent, but i always doubt myself into doing it more and i cant get forward in the process or quit

\- i cant motivate myself

\- im pretty sure i have adhd

\- im kind of the special friend in the friend group

\- im kinda drawn to depressing things ( sad philosophy, sad Music and sad stories and so on)

\- i hate simple people and simple things ( i have to stand out in some type of way and i always wanna influence other people)

\- i cant handle pressure at all

\- i cant enjoy time with a lot of my reallife friends because i dont feel connected to them in anyway and i dont know what to talk with them about anymore.

\- i have a fear of being excluded

it all really Started when i was 14 when i began to start feeling sick in School, nobody believed me when i said i was sick, but i began to realize the sick feeling would instantly go away when i got more far away from School, after a few days of it happening i came to the realization that i might have Panic Attacks. i was really pressured into doing good in School and my dad threatened to send me to a Private school i would have stayed at the entire week if i wouldnt perform good in School, this pressure + the teacher i had at the time who was very strict and liked to scream at students + the fear of being exposed in public is what i think lead to the Panic attacks Developing. this lead to me being not in School for atleast 6 weeks and i felt very Isolated from other Students. after the 6 Weeks my teacher said i must go to class again or he wouldnt let me finish the year (which pressured me again) but i could handle the panic attacks at the time so it wasnt that bad and i failed the year anyways lol. after the year i went to a lower type of school but i got to the next year, i kind of had a wild 2 years in that class with my new teachers and classmates, i was doing a lot in my reallife and went out partying a lot and i had panic attacks from time to time but i could handle them, but i was constantly worried about getting them which made me constantly nervous and paranoid. this lead to me making like cycles in my head trying to predict bad things that would happen to me( not actually really bad things, just panic attacks and getting a bit sick). i was kind of thinking my panic attacks would be worse in fall cause i developed them in fall years ago. After my real life phase in which i was going out a lot i got back to gaming a lot and i made a lot of internet friends, this has been the situation from 17 to right now. im still anxious to travel far away and i cant stay out for long and a lot of things make me very uncomfortable. im constantly paranoid of my panic attacks coming or getting sick at a place from whick i cant get home fast from. my only comfort zone is my room and i my mental problems + me not associating with anyone makes me stay inside all the time. my head is constantly in the same down unmotivated mood and i only get through the day by distracting myself. my sleep schedule is fucked up at the moment and i dont get a lot of sun. i think a lot but never take action.

sorry for the English, i would appreciate any tips and Help.