Sometimes I just wish I had a reason to be like this. Like if I had some sort of actual traumatic event or something happen to me, I would be able to justify how I feel and act to myself.

I know realistically it probably wouldn’t make a difference since I’ve had shitty stuff happen and it didn’t make me feel “more valid” or whatever but I don’t know. In my head, I still keep having these horrible intrusive thoughts that I need something bad to happen to me or I’m just faking it.