I'm new to reddit, i've only ever seen screenshots of threads on instagram but i've never had a reddit account so i'm sorry if it's the wrong "page" to post this. 

I (23F) have been struggling with depression for the last 6-5 years. I've seen a psychologist once but it was expensive to keep up with the appointements and i started to think that "just" talking wasn't gonna cut it and maybe i needed medication. I never saw a psychiatrist or psychologist since then (around 3 years ago). Now i've never felt this pointless in my life, let me explain. I've never had like a big trauma in my life and i'm not from a really poor background but we did struggle a little growing up and had lots of trouble in my family. The thing is everyday is just so hard, i wake up everyday and wonder what is the point of all this ?! I see people post everyday stuff about the joy of life and how life is worth living but honestly i don't know... I have nothing i'm passionate about, i work because i have to make a living but i have to smile to my coworkers everyday pretending that i'm not thinking about the 100 ways i could just end this. I do have suicidal thoughts but could never do it and like i said before it's not linked to a traumatic event or anything. It's just that i feel like i'm playing a game not knowing any rules and i'm just suppose to suffer through it because eventually it'll be worth it ? A friend of mine had a really bad depression and suicidal thoughts but now she's a little better so i first asked her and she just told me that she started forcing positive thoughts and eventually they stuck and now she just tries to see the best in stuff. But i'm more of a pessimistic person, like "what is the point we're all gonna die" kind of person. 

I don't even know why i'm posting this... i guess i just wonder if someone else ever felt the same way or if anyone ever found a "purpose" in their life because this is getting harder and harder maybe one day i'm just gonna snap and be interned....