The past few years I've been studying BPD more and I fit basically all the symptoms perfectly. It completely describes all my problems with relationships, mood regulation, unclear sense of self and low self worth. It made me feel understood finally. I think I have quiet BPD since I mostly express my negative emotions inwards, not towards other people. So no one suspects anything about me, other than anxiety/low moods.

During my childhood I experienced a lot of anger directed from my father. Never physical abuse but emotional/verbal yes. As a kid I always tried to please him and calm him while he was raging, but at the age of around 14/15 something switched in me after a specific event happened, and I put up a wall. I didn't want to keep forgiving him when he calmed down, because I knew he'd get angry again within the next day or so. As soon as he entered the house my anxiety skyrocketed, worrying when he will get upset again. It scared me a lot. So basically since that age I've been avoiding my dad and can't even make proper eye contact with him or hug him because it makes me feel repulsive. I get triggered around my family a lot, memories of the anger and the fighting and crying. Whenever I'm at home I keep to myself and stay in my room to avoid negative feelings around them. I live away from home so only spend time with them for short visits.

So my question is, should I bring up my suspicion that I have BPD? My dad's anger has mellowed out somewhat since then, and he is a good dad, he is there for us and provides for the family and I know he loves us. But the hurt I experienced as a child and memories of him being so so angry is hard to forget and has driven a wedge between us. Yet I don't want to bring up BPD because I don't want to hurt him if he realises perhaps it stems from the trauma I experienced as a child. He has changed for the better somewhat, yet I can't seem to shake the memories and my reactions to his behaviour.

TLDR: Experienced verbal/emotional abuse from father when I was a kid, now I am pretty certain I have BPD, but I'm scared to bring it up with my family because I don't want to hurt my parents if they think it stems from my childhood trauma.