I feel so incredibly trapped. I feel so much pain, like deep inside me. I want the pain to go. But i can't do it. It'll leave a trail of sadness, if i didn't have a loving family and friends who love me, i would do it in any of the ways I regularly think about. There are people who have no one, and i genuinely want to be like them, truly alone, free to do what I want to do. Not bound my shackles of love.

As I look at childhood pictures of me, in simpler times, i just ask myself, how did I end up here? Take me back. 
To all the people in my life who have helped me, you don't know how incredibly grateful I am to you. I want to come out of this and be happy, i am trying so damn much. My brain, which was one of the only things I loved about myself is such a fucked up place. It is eating me from the inside. Every single day is a battle, and the war seems like a losing one, yet i fight. I sit here crying, knowing that I'm unable to do it...