So my unplanned pregnancy happened after only about 6 weeks of knowing this guy who I truthfully wasn't really interested in. The only thing my mom said about it was "I guess you'll just have to grow up really fast" which didn't really piss me off until after the fact. I mean I was already 22 years old. It wasn't like I was a teen mom and still in high school, etc. Surely I could handle it.... And with the help of my parents and my weekly therapy sessions, I believed I could.
Cut to now, my child is almost 3, I'm still single, and we're both still living with my parents. (The baby daddy was cut out of the picture shortly after the pregnancy announcement because, my feelings set aside, all he did was whine about how he didn't have the money to help me. And I wasn't about to try and handle two babies.) I recently discovered I have BPD and MDD with recurring suicidal thoughts. I was in the psych ward one time, and unemployed for all of 2018. I'm still waiting to hear from the jobs I applied for most recently.
I believe it's 100% time to get started on improving my life and becoming more independent and confident in myself. And I think about moving into an apartment once I get a job. I believe it would be good for me and my son to be our own family. We obviously wouldn't cut my parents out by any means. I personally just need space. A space that's mine.
But my mom said she couldn't imagine what our place would look like. Imagining a mess with the curtains drawn, me watching tv, my son by himself with a messy diaper. I said "you think I would neglect him..." and she couldn't say that I wouldn't.
But also knowing how deep I get during my depressive episodes, I can't fully believe that I wouldn't neglect him either.... and that terrifies me. Fills me with dread and guilt when it hasn't even happened. Because it seems inevitable.