Bare with me because this post might end up being a little lengthy but I feel as if I have no where else to turn. 

I (F19) have been diagnosed/working towards a diagnosis with BPD for a few years now. I’m currently pregnant and expecting my first baby girl’s arrival sometime in November. Recently I’ve had a lot of emotions come up with the realization that I was raised by a father who likely suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Coming to this conclusion has understandably been really difficult for me to face just as my own person. Anyone who has dealt with a narcissist knows the amount of manipulation, discouragement, and in my case- emotional abuse and trauma that comes with this kind of parenting. It weighs on me a lot when it comes to my own life and history with my dad. But what’s getting to me the most right now is the understanding that parents who have personality disorders often times foster the perfect scenario in which their children develop their own personality disorders. Obviously there are tons of factors that led to my having bpd but my dad is one of the biggest reasons. Lately I’ve been having some pretty intense emotions just trying to cope with the fact that my BPD could impact my ability to raise my daughter in a healthy way because of the things my dad put me through as a child/teen. It hurts so bad because I still don’t feel as though I can fully maintain my symptoms or even manage them consistently. I want to blame my dad but because of his manipulation I really only blame myself. I feel like I’m already failing as a mother and I can’t get over the guilt that I feel just for bringing her into a life where her mom might not be stable enough to take care of her emotional needs and I’m so worried that one day I’ll project my own brokenness onto her. I know that the hormones aren’t helping but even in my pregnancy I’ve let myself believe that if she’s born with any kind of ailment or grows up with any sort of cognitive disabilities or emotional issues it will all be because of me and the choices I’ve made during my pregnancy. (Like consuming too much sugar, not taking my vitamins consistently because I struggle with taking care of my own basic needs most of the time.) I feel so much weight from the shame of my disorder and so much anger towards the person who made me this way. I see my unborn daughter as the only pure and perfect thing left in this world and I can’t be responsible for hurting her or taking that purity from her. I really wish I could give her the perfect life but her family is already so broken and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to put the pieces back together.