So im becoming 18 soon, and i dont think im ready for it.

Everyday i feel like i look more disgusting than yesterday. Sometimes i cant even bear looking at the mirror.

People have told me a lot of times that i look more like a homeless person than anything and that i should take care of my looks more, but i cant find the motivation to do that.

I was pretty fat when i was a kid and got bullied my entire life for it. Now i do workout when i find time and most of the days i go out to run until sometimes i vomit.

I assist a very strict school that i didnt really want to go but was forced to. 

I am completely drained by the time i get home at 8-9 PM. I dont feel like doing anything.

Everyday for these past years i ve been staying up late studying and studying since i never was a good student in elementary school. I wanted to change that. I also made myself the "clown" of the class, i dont know how because i was never the type of person to do jokes.

My motivation is nowhere. I cant find a single hobby that im interested in doing. The only reason i do physical activity is because i hate how i look, i hate my acne scars, i hate my short height and i hate how goofy i look. I hate being insulted every single day without any reason.

It seems like my efforts go unnoticed by everyone, at least thats how i feel.
These past years the only reason that i got out of bed at 5:30 A.M everyday is because i always thought "i have things to do", it might not be the best reason but at least it worked.

The reason im making this post is because i want some kind of help i guess. I think i lost nearly everything that made me myself in the past and now im this mess. 2 years ago my great grandma died, i couldnt cry no matter what i did. Yesterday 2 of my puppies died and i couldnt cry. These emotions make me feel absolutely terrible. I want to cry, shout, do something to get them out but i cant.

I cant imagine my life in the next years if im already like this, im not strong enough. Im tired of getting sick easily. Im tired of the constant headaches that i get. Im tired of not understanding anything in class. Im tired of being so useless. Im tired of wishing for a change that will never come.

I dont know what happened to me, i was not like this in the past. I want to be better, i want to be so much more but i feel like its impossible.
All those nights that i stayed up till late to get better grades, all those times that i did exercise till i couldnt walk anymore, all those challenges that stressed me to hell but i still took to become better. All of that just to get told "why are you complaining? It was never hard for you". 

Maybe this isnt the right place to post this and im sorry if thats the case, i just really wanted to let out all of this even if the meaning of the text is all over the place. I dont even know what i wanted to achieve with it. Thanks for reading.