I just don't see a future, my life is terrible, i don't care about meds, they just relief anedonia, i see no hope, i feel guilty playing videogames cause i'm too scared of people, i stay shut in my house have no one other than my grand ma and my dad who lives away, i don't have a job, i have avoidant personality disorder, i wish i wasn't there in the present, my grandma is very old, i lived with her since i was a kid, knowing she is not ok lately made me think about her death, i just don't want such a change, i want my childhood back, why the future looks so dark, i thought about killing my self when she will die, but lately i want to feel better and doing ssri's and therapy but... the hope is gone too many years ago, i just don't know anymore, i want to be a better person, i try so hard, but again the reality is dramatic.

I want to scream and cry, i have heavyness on my chest, i didn't want my life to be like this when i was a kid, and look at me now, worthless man who type things on the internet at 25 years old, i hate my self so much.