I don't know. I think the worst thing about all of it is how empty I feel. I don't feel like I have feelings, real genuine, nuanced feelings of anything. I don't feel like I fully exist. I feel like I'm just wafting through everything. 


It's been harder lately. I wake up feeling flat, and I go to bed just glad the day is ending. I don't feel sad about any particular thing. I just feel sad to exist this way. 


I always thought I just had anxiety. I could have handled it. But other things were off, things never felt quite satisfying. I was relieved to learn about bpd, but now I just feel pretty crappy. 


Does this empty absence of personhood ever go away? Can recovery/DBT flesh out a person from this? I don't see myself ever not feeling this empty. I get emotional regulation and distress tolerance. That seems achievable for me, but this emptiness just feels like me now. It doesn't help that I don't have any friends and go days without any social interaction. I feel isolated. I feel like there is this life I know other people have, things they feel, and I can't imagine it.