Hi, i'm 16 and I've been wondering all day if I should post something here. I found this subreddit yesterday and while reading some of the posts, I thought maybe someone could offer me advice or anything really… I've known the existance of BPD since around a year ago. Before that, I thought I was bipolar but I never related much to the manic phase, so I always felt lost, not knowing what's the cause of me acting the way I am. I thought I was just a depressed kid with anger issues who sometimes feels great but it never last long... When I found the existance of this disorder, something clicked, it felt like I had finally found what was the cause of my behavior. When I first learned about this disorder, I did hours of research on it, I felt finally validated. When I first learned about it, I was 15 and I didn't do much about it. I was too concerned about school, exams… I also think my disorder was mild around this time so it was easier to ignore it.

But a year later and I can clearly say that it has went from mild to extreme. Since I'm young, there were some symptoms that were hard to tell such as unstable relationships, or even substance abuse since I can't really abuse of it because it's not something I find easily or can use a lot of times because I live with my family and I don't have the time to do things like that since I'm in school.

However, it feels like the older I get and the worst my symptoms get. At the end of 2019, I had the option to date someone that I really liked and they liked me too. But I couldn't. I knew that they would not have been able to deal with the real me, the me when some of my symptoms are at their worst. Since then, I have been terrified of the thought of dating someone, the thought that they could leave me, abandon me… I'm so scared about it I can't even imagine being in an actual relationship.

I now know that I can't ignore this disorder forever, that I have to get help somehow… Seeing a therapist scares me even though I know it's the only way to get help… It sucks even more knowing that they can't diagnose you with a personality disorder when you're under 18. It makes me feel unvalidated even if I know it doesn't change the fact that I have this disorder, it still sucks. Like what's the point of even going to see someone when you know they can't even give you a diagnostic.

But it's getting harder to live like that, during my depressive episodes, I can't even get out of bed and when I do feel great, it's more like a state of euphoria, it doesn't last very long and I feel bad afterwards. Even when I'm laughing or smiling, I still feel this emptiness inside me...

I'm sorry I wrote such a long texte, it's the first time I share and talk about my problems and I thought that this was probably the place where people would understand my feelings...

I guess I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and also asking how I can deal with BPD because most of the time I feel like just giving up.