This is my first time every writing in Reddit but I need to get off my chest. I’m sorry that this is long and grammar won’t be the best. I am dyslexic and I don’t spell the best. My anxiety is getting hard to handle.

I have been in therapy from 6th to 12th grade and have been taking Zoloft from when I was in 6th grade to now. I am currently 20 years old. 

I was supposed to transfer to a state school but go denied because it turns out I need another class. I tried so hard but it didn’t work out. I planned to go abroad in the summer but now I don’t know what to do because I can take that class in the summer so I can try to transfer again. It was my dream to go aboard and i have been looking forward to it for two years.  My parents want me to do school in the summer even tho I can take classes in the fall and try to transfer in the spring. Going oversees for a bit has been keeping me going for the past couple of years. The more I wait the more despair I feel. I feel stuck and is barely floating by in life. 

I don’t drive because I’m really scared of cars and taking a drivers test scares supper bad. I know I have to in the future but I’m not mentally prepared for that. 

Money is hard for my mom so we moved to a cheaper apartment but it cockroaches. It has been mentally taxing try to get rid of them. We had bug control come out and I been doing stuff on our own but they keep coming back. My mother is really scared of bugs and saying I saw one will freak her out so much that it is hard to deal with. I saw a couple in my room and I had a panic attack thinking I can’t let my mom know. I am scared of bugs to but I put in strong front so that every one else calms down. I keep things form her so she does not freak out and yell at me. I feel like I have to do every thing. I tend to do everything on my own and make plans on how to solve them.  

My mom complain that she has no one to help here but I’m always helping her. It sucks because she also depressed but I can’t be a sponge for all her problems. She tells me I’m to sensitive and does not understand my dreams. I have to be a strong big sister. She is always complaining and I hate that because if I do that I get in trouble. Always being around negative is taxing for my mental. I can’t tell her that I want to go back to therapy because I don’t have the time or money and I don’t want her to think she did something wrong. 

Every one looks up to me to be put together. I honestly miss therapy i a feel like none of my hard work is even paying off. My friend looks up to me because of my traumatic past and she told me she is struggling with mental heath and ask me to help her. I have been there for whenever she wants to talk and let it out.  People see me as a strong rock that has everything under control. I’m not. I try letting my mom know but I get told to be stronger. I don’t want to lose my only friend by telling her that I’m mentally unwell because she will no longer seek help from me. 

I’m losing passion for my hobbies and don’t know what is the point in doing them anymore.  I try my best but I get told am not enough. I don’t see what the problem with being mediocre at things. Why do I have try to be super good at something.  for years I have been feeling bad about myself and I hate the way I look. I just get so angry at life.

Am older so I should be more mature but I’m not and feel so helpless. I have been more depressed lately and I just want to sleep all day. My grades in college aren’t doing good. I just want to rest but can’t because life is not giving me the chance. I don’t know what to do. I want to cry but I hate how I feel after I cry. I use to self harm but don’t anymore because of don’t want to disappoint anyone else. I feel lost. I just want to cry loudly and be hugged. I’m probably being a baby. What should I do?