I've been thinking a lot lately and I miss my ex. He was very kind to me, our love was mutually considerate and obsessive.
We broke up because we started arguing often, I would trigger arguments because I felt insecure in the relationship and it hurt him.
But I miss him. Being in love with someone who loved me back so sweetly and intensely was wonderful. It was so soft and warm. 

I don't think I'll ever have that with my current partner. I have to beg for their attention and even then I don't get it. Giving me love is a chore to them, a dull one. They compared me asking them to tell me they love me to them having to be a toy on a string that repeats phrases. Because I asked them to say "I love you" unprompted. 
We are both autistic, if that matters. But they have never had an issue with this until recently, it's been just a few months now. And I'm genuinely upset, because they're the only person I have in my life and they're the only person that can calm me down. But they won't, and they can't. Part of me knows that they care about me and are trying their best. Part of me wants to completely tear them to shreds and destroy our relationship, but then I would have no one. 

Is it really so difficult to love me? I just want an "I love you." I just want them to ask to spend time with me. I just want some caring gestures, occasionally. I'll settle for that. But I get absolutely nothing and it is crippling and I've never felt so emotionally abandoned. And they know this. And nothing changes, and they've said outright that it will not change.

They have to fucking mask to be affectionate with me. 
I'm that unlovable.