**Background**
My struggle with BPD behaviors really started at the time of puberty. I didn’t get diagnosed with it until after high school when I was 18. Although I was currently talking to a therapist, I never went through DBT sessions until later. I truly feel like DBT helped me to be able to recognize my behaviors and stop and take a second to realize consequences of them as well as process them. I honestly used to be a total piece of shit. I was so insecure with myself that I felt like I had to lie to people in order to get them to like me. Once I had them, I would then put them through the cycle we all know. The push and pull and manipulation to make them stay, etc. Eventually, after some life events, I decided I really needed to be truthful with myself and my therapist and I told them all of my behaviors and they changed their treatment plan for me and to add DBT. 

**Currently**
As mentioned previously, DBT really worked for me. I now have pretty solid relationships for the first time in my life. I’m super thankful that I had the resources to get the help that I needed because I do feel like it legitimately saved my life and has allowed me to finally have a grasp over my toxic behaviors. 

However, now that I have a grasp over that, I feel like my anxiety has gotten so much worse. I had a lot of identity issues and would often “act”. That “act” was confident, sure of themselves. Could strike up a conversation with anyone. I would actively seek people to talk to online for more interaction. I would go out just to go out. However, along with that, I was also very impulsive and would lie in the moment to get what they wanted, in often cases, attention from men and hurt them emotion in the process. I just wish I could take some of those positive traits and possess them NOW without that the other part. 

My anxiety has gotten so bad that I struggle to leave the house to go out more often than not. It’s not that I’m afraid of the outside, I run nearly everyday. I’m just afraid of having to interact with other people. I literally only leave if I absolutely *have* to. I’m fortunate enough that I can “control” my anxiety enough to go to my classes when I needed to, but that’s basically it. Due to pandemic, in-person learning was very sparse which I’m grateful for. However, now I’m super worried that now that the United States is going back to “normal” my anxiety will prohibit me from going to classes that will now be in-person. On top of that, I’m not sure if I could even hold a job right now. I recognize my privilege and I’m super grateful I’m in a financially secure situation. I just don’t know how the heck I can function as a “normal” person anymore. I wish I could leave the house to go grocery shopping without panicking for several hours about the thought of interacting with someone. I just feel like dealing with my BPD behaviors and lessening those just gave room for anxiety to get worse… I don’t know. I’m just feeling so bad for not being a functioning person. Even the thought of going back to therapy stresses me out so much. I put it on the back burner during the pandemic and settling into grad school, and my anxiety has just worsened. 

**tl;dr:** After successful treatment of BPD where I learned to understand my emotions and think about my behaviors &amp; their consequences, I feel like my anxiety got so much worse causing most days to be an absolute battle. Has anyone else experienced this?

If anyone has advice or similar stories, please share. Thank you so much for reading this jumble of thoughts.