I don't usually come to subs like this because quite frankly I never took mental illness too seriously. I tried killing myself twice by OD/slitting wrists a few years ago, but it's because I was a drug addict - I thought I wasn't going to be able to live anymore without taking a massive amount of pills. But even then I don't really think I was depressed, I was just sort of "giving up" because I thought I was going to die soon anyway. I have impusivity problems which is also why I did that kind of out of nowhere. Thankfully I entered N.A and have been sober for over 2 years.

Nowadays... I'm under a very small dose of an antidepressant, but only because my doctor (who managed to get me off the pills I was addicted to) thought I should probably take it because of what happened in the past.

But I really don't want to be dependent on any psych pills. I don't want to ever worry about "getting my meds" again. I understand following what my doctor tells me to do, but that aside - I'd like to know if people with a similar lifestyle to mine have ever felt depressed or have been diagnosed with depression. My doctor tells me I probably experience depression but am not aware of it. But I disagree. 

I'm just a really hardcore workaholic.  I only care about working. But keep in mind, I'm an artist - I'm an illustrator and I mostly illustrate children's books and tarot cards. Some commercial stuff too. I really like my job! So it's not like I'm working late hours at an office - I'm literally laying in bed on my pj's, illustrating on my computer. I'm having a fairly successful career and I really really want to save money to leave my country for good.

The things that make people around me concerned: I have zero interest in leaving the house. I don't want to go out and talk to people. I live with my mother and my brother and  I do talk to them... I have a close girlfriend who I talk to most days, and some other friends that I'll talk with from time to time. But I don't want to go out and see them. I don't know why, I just don't want to. I just want to stay inside and draw. 

I can't have any romantic relationships because I don't want to lose focus on my plan of leaving the country. Also I suck at romantic relationships because I get too anxious and it fucks my life up.

I'm barely eating anything. I'm just not hungry. I think I lost 8kg in less than 2 months. I usually don't feel like eating. I'm too lazy to get up and eat.

I'm not exercising anymore because I feel like it takes away too much working time. It makes me sleepy and I have a hard time focusing on the days I'm exercising. I also see no point in it because I'm happy with my body the way it is (though I might be looking too thin).

I don't have a routine and I try SO HARD to have one. It's incredibly difficult for me to live like a normal human. I usually go to sleep at like 7am and wake up around 2pm. But sometimes I wake up at 17pm... Sometimes at 4am... My room is always a mess no matter how many times I try cleaning it up. I have to do it multiple times a week. So at some point I just kind of gave up.

I think my isolation might have gotten worse since my dad died of covid, 1 year ago. He was my best friend. But I kept on going with my life, as he would want me to... He was so happy to see me sober and working. I didn't relapse with drugs or alcohol, I didn't stop working or anything. Although I did relapse with smoking (at least I just vape now).

I just want to know, why the fuck do my friends, family and doctor keep telling me I am DEPRESSED. I don't want to die. I have plans for the future. I'm really happy with my work. So can one's lifestyle in itself point to them having depression? 

Depending on this sub's replies, I will consider switching doctors and just go to one that will get me off the SSRI. I don't want to do it myself because I tried doing it before and got those really annoying brain zaps.

PS: I am also forced to go to therapy to keep my recovery stable, since I spent about a decade of my life as a zombie on benzos. As you probably can tell if you read all of this, there are still a few things I have a hard time with while sober. But I think therapy is really annoying and wish to stop going. I just don't want to hear that I don't take recovery seriously so I keep doing what they tell me to do.