I am so lost so lost in space. My FP (m20) broke up with me in the most awful way, well really first he stopped texting me back and said he needed space around mid October. I gave him space (I was not clingy at any point in the relationship). Then in mid November I broke up with him because he had still been acting the same and we barely spoke. He said that he doesn't know who he is or who he's becoming. 

Fast foward to this week, I find out he cheated on me. So I texted him going off on him and blocked him on everything. Everything he said hurt and I asked him if that was his point of the relationship to hurt me and he was like no I care about you. but also said "I lost feelings bc I lost feelings" and how he didn't know "how to tell you that I didn't want to be with you anymore"

Which hurts me so fucking much because the relationship was going perfect. We'd only been together for a few months, so it wasn't anything long term but I could see it being long term. I'm so hurt and confused. he says I didn't do anything but I'm so hurt... he didn't even have the audacity to tell it to my face. 

I sound so fucking lame, it's so embarrassing to talk about because someone lost feelings, what's so horrible about me that drives everyone away. I want him to ask for my forgiveness and tell me that he cares about me, but I know that he doesn't because he just lost feelings and I shouldn't even want him to do that because he did me wrong. I should hate him. 

I can't believe I'm so heart broken over a guy who looks like a dirty carrot, I can't get him out of my mind and I just want to hurt myself. I which these thoughts wouldn't consume me the way they do. I want him to save me but he could care less about me. I just want to die