I know mania is dangerous but I find myself living a life that feels boring and dull. My therapist and psychologist think that before my 2nd depressive episode, I was probably in a state of hypomania for years because I just felt so alive and full of life. At the time I had only been diagnosed with major depression and I stopped seeing my doctors during this time. It wasn’t destructive or dangerous, I just felt euphoric and my mom was dying and that didn’t phase me much at all. (Until she actually died- then I had another depressive episode)

During this possible hypomanic state, I met my ex best friend. We spent every day together for 2 years. We were inseparable. We’d say “I love you” and kiss on the mouth and hold hands but only ever referred to each other as best friends.

During a full blown manic episode years later, I realized I was in love with my ex best friend. Not in a sexual way but just in a romantic/I want to spend the rest of my life with her way. As you know, during this manic episode, I was too much for a lot of people to handle. I confessed my love to my ex best friend and she explained that she couldn’t be friends with me anymore. If I hadn’t been manic, I wouldn’t have ruined the friendship like that.

Just a rant really.

I just miss the euphoria and feeling a type of love that feels like it will never be replaced or found again. I’m in a relationship with a man and it doesn’t feel nearly as satisfying as that relationship I had with my ex bff.