i really need somewhere to talk right now. i am so incredibly lonely and have no one to talk to. you know i always thought that if i could just find a relationship with someone that i would be magically fixed and i could actually learn to love myself and actually put an effort into living life. i met up with a person the other day who i really liked and they appeared to like me back but after spending time together they told me they dont think they have romantic feelings for me but would still like to remain friends. i dont blame them for that. im not sure if i did have romantic feelings for them or i was just infatuated by the idea of them/ felt good cause someone was finally giving me some positive attention.

after thinking back though, i think ive realised that people dont want to be around someone that is constantly depressed all the time. they dont want to feel like they have to fix someone else. the months leading up to this i thought that maybe my depression/ mental illnesses were starting to lift. therefore i was confident enough to go on a "date" with someone. i opened up pretty early to this person about stuff i havent even talked about with other people. im still not sure if it was a mistake or not. after all this i realise that it never lifted. it just slowly festered and got worse while i ignored with with meds and booze.

but it feels like something has finally clicked in my head that if i do want something meaningful. i really need to work on myself first. the thing is though, i have been the way i am for so long that i dont think im capable of being fixed. im scared that if i try to seek help for real this time, that there will be nothing that can be done for me. i literally dont have an identity outside of being the 'haha funny relatable depressed person' cause i know thats what has given me validation the quickest in the past. i guess im scared of getting to know myself? its so hard being locked in a body/ brain that constantly hates itself all the time. that is constantly looking for ways to get away from itself. so i can understand why no one else would want to be with me if i can't even be with myself. 

ive been crying so much. said person is still in contact with me and on friend terms. and i appreciate that but cant help thinking about this every time i speak to them.

ive tried seeking help for myself in the past but always blown it off under the guise that "im wasting resources and there are other people who need help more than i do" but i guess i was always just to scared to come to the realisation that i have recently. at this time, seeking help for myself seems like such a huge daunting task and i dont think im capable of doing it. it makes it worse that i have to do it 100% on my own. again. i just cant stop listening to that voice in my head that talks about how horrible i am, how no one will ever like me and how i will never love myself no matter how hard i try. its kinda like having unrequited love for yourself.

thanks if you read this. i just needed to talk. im really, really lonely at the moment and pain is absolutely unbearable.