I've been chronically suicidal since, idk, I was about 15? Some days are better than others. The better days are the ones where the thought of suicide is sort of like on the horizon but not necessarily a focus. I once saw somebody describe it as "being on the menu," which I think describes my feelings well. And then sometimes, about one to two times a week, it becomes more intense. I start fantasizing about it. Sometimes something external will trigger it, and sometimes there is no trigger at all. I simply find myself wanting to die. And then there are the times where it's REALLY bad. 

Last night, for example, I had a plan and everything. I wanted to do it SO bad, but the only thing stopping me was 1. I didn't have the means to do it and 2. I'm supposed to be moving back to Spain in the fall, and I don't want to miss that. I'm not feeling AS suicidal today, but I just got back from a walk in which I extensively fantasized about arriving in Spain and overdosing in my favorite park in Madrid. I was even thinking about how pretty it would be outside, how I could buy myself my favorite bottle of wine to help with the overdose, just how happy I would be to die in the country I love. I know that's fucked up, but it made me weirdly happy. 

I've been like this for about eight years now. There is only one time when the suicidality genuinely stopped; for a period of about six to eight months, I actually was genuinely happy, so happy that I felt cured. I had started  exercising and eating healthy, which helped so much more than all the pills my doctors used to hop me up on. Then, idk, slowly the suicidal thoughts came back, and so did the mood swings. I've still kept up my healthy habits, although my healthy eating has been slipping since quarantine (I have no appetite and no energy to cook). I know what people will say, that I can get back to that time, there's hope for me, life is precious, etc. Honestly I'm tired of hearing that shit. I've been hearing it for eight years and it rings more and more false every time. At this point I feel like I may not kill myself now, but I will at some point in the future. I'm at peace with this, honestly. I don't think I need to live a long life, especially when so much of it is this painful. I'm quite happy with the idea that I have the power to just end it all one day. I know that's fucked up, but it's the only way I can see it.