So...well,i have BPD,and i have to deal every single day with it.
Yes,i am the clingy friend that always make sure that you are ok.
Yes,i am The friend that actually feels sad and rejected when i see some of my friends hanging out without me,when i try to confront them,they say : "oops,sorry,i forgot about you" ofc you did,im just THAT forgettable.
Im not a creepy stalker that insists to be in every single places that my friends go,dont worry. I just feel,cheated,because i say to them,that i feel lonely and miss them,and they all say "i miss you too,cant wait to see you" but they never call me? When i call them,they are busy,or cant leave because of the covid outbreak,but at the same day,they are all hanging out without me? Am i that awful of a person?
That reminds me, i used to have a best friend,and we were REALLY close(in a platonic way,i never had any attraction towards him)
We literally spoke every single day,with what looked like,infinite topics.
We had a LOT of historys,since we used to drink togheter,and while he was kind of a jerk sometimes about my bpd,he is a good person.
He got himself in a lot of trouble,and i was always there to save him(and i mean,A LOT,of trouble.)
He has his struggles with his mental health,and he tried to commit suicide before,so i was always in touch with his mother to alert her about any danger.
Then,came this guy from nowhere,that lives on another state,and is obviosly hitting on him.
Fine,they became friends,and soon our duo became a trio.
To be honest,he wasnt a bad person,he was a good friend,and to this day,i still think that he is.
And then,one day my friend dissapeared from internet(he does that when he feels bad about something),ofc i was worried,last time he did that,he tried to commit suicide,so i called his mother,and told her to keep an eye on him.
Then apparently he picked up her phone and discovered that i was talking to her about him(i understand why he was mad,but i didnt say anything personal,i literally just alerted her from time to time)
Then,he told me to commit suicide,and blocked me,ofc that destroyed me,and to this day,sometimes his mom calls me to say that he's doing well.
Im happy about that,but,what about me? I was just trying to help,i literally just got replaced by a dude that is obviously hitting on him,and never even saw him in person. My friends got their friends,they hang out with their friends.
I just feel alone and isolated,i know that i shouldnt be that clingy,but what can i do? Im doing my best,it hurts,its killing me from the inside,and i know that it is futile,but well,what can i do? I deserve this shit.