- lost my grandfather to cancer and covid complications on the 1st of January
- lost my cat, who got hit by a car late at night because I let her out 2 weeks later
- basically lost my job
- spent all my crypto on weed and dumb stuff through 2020, now worth a few $100,000. 
- spiraled into a deep depression, some sort of manic episode i guess, i don't even don't even recognize myself looking back
- my girlfriend, high school sweetheart of 7 years, left me for a 15 years older stranger who came to visit our country for 2 weeks, kinda wealthy
- have a $1.500 debt


That all happened in the span of 60 days, how can life get fucked up and turned upside down so fast what the hell...I spent the last rest of this year basically reliving the traumatic break up and everything invloved with it. I cry every day, i relapsed on benzos and heroin, im turning 24 next month, no job, no drivers license, still living at moms. Each day feels like groundhog day. My mental health had always been shit but this year caused a rapid decline in it. 

I guess I realized a lot of thing about myself too and came to the painful realiaztion that im the only one to blame for the fuck ups I did thru my life that have led me to this point. I know a screwed up a lot of things and had a bright future but could never really handle responsibilities so I just avoided them. I dont really know what to do and im not sure where to start at fixing my life because I have zero motivation and fear failure. I know i need to kick my ass out of this but how am i supposed to do this when my brain just feels like its not working properly and i dont even know how to explain it, like im goin nuts in my own head. I dont really want to kill myself but i also hope i dont wake up tommorrow. 

This is just some rant idk i felt like letting this out here because atleast here maybe people will understand my situation or idk.. 

Much love