even coming to this subreddit was hard.  someone left a passive aggressive comment on one of my posts and now this entire subreddit just feels hostile and i feel guilty like i shouldn't be here.  i don't have a therapist or a psychiatrist who does anything other than refill the same meds i've been on for a while.  my support system is basically non-existent for my mental health. 

i love dating my boyfriend but it's so hard. loving people is so hard.  i feel guilty and i want to scream and cry and other times i'm so angry and i hate him so much that i want him to disappear forever.  but at all times i love him very much, i want him to love me.  i want to feel his love, but then my brain tells me everything that's wrong with that wish. we fight all the time, always my fault. i feel hollow and empty inside, more than i used to.  what do people do for fun?  i don't have any hobbies.  i feel like i don't have a name.  i'm just existing, but not as a person.  nothing is making sense. 

i can't reach out anymore, it's so tiring.  i keep telling myself tomorrow will be better but i don't know what to change to make that happen.  something feels sick and wrong inside of me and i'm telling myself that it's not a part of me, it's just a parasite, but that is very hard to believe when i have no idea what 'i' am at all.  maybe i'm the parasite, why not? 

this is such a debbie downer post! i think i will feel better sometime.  i'll keep going through the motions, as long as i can.