 I have been New Years all week because I knew how lonely I would feel today. I woke up wanting to die I asked a few of my friends what’s up and they were all busy so I felt like would anyone even miss me if I left so then I got real depressed. I struggled to get out bed for a long time even though I felt very dehydrated and not tired, I just wanted to stare at the ceiling and do nothing absolutely nothing. I went downstairs and relapsed on SH again. I remembered me and my one  friend were supposed to hangout Thursday which was the day of New Year’s Eve so we hung out I dressed up, wore cat ears and drew whiskers just to try and feel better, because I felt crappy I can honestly say it helped me feel better I even had pigtails and my new clothes and shoes on I felt fresh and nice, I snuck out into her car (I’m 18 but my dad forbids me from talking to her after some things she has done to me.) we drove around caught up it was nice, I was sad I couldn’t see my bf that day because no New Years kiss. my bf calls me out of nowhere and says it’s possible for me to come over if I wanted to do I had my friend drop me off, i was very excited. It was a decent night got mad at Mario kart other then it was alright. It’s almost midnight we’re on the couch I’m on his lap and he’s eating nachos. It hits midnight I move up and stare at him nothing. Minutes later nothing. And I’ve mentioned before in texts that New Years kiss I wanted and was sad we couldn’t before but it’s different now like we could’ve but we didn’t. And I’m just really upset right now. I feel disgusted by myself and stupid and like screaming.