I think I feel at home with my BPD. It always has me on guard, primed for inevitable emotional harm. I feel protected by the numbness that my dissociation brings. BPD is my emotional lidocaine. 

But when I start to let myself feel--especially feel *good*\--this brings with it a whole other sense of distress. I feel unshielded, vulnerable. I guess my thinking is that I can withstand an emotional blow much better when I'm already numb, but when I'm feeling good, an emotional blow can be utterly devastating. Thus "feeling good" (paradoxically, almost) is one of my biggest fears. Yet there's a big part of me that hates living in perpetual dissociation: I *want* to feel again. But I'm afraid.

It's almost like I'm being protected by someone holding me hostage, who'll defend me from any outside threats while at the same time forbidding me from ever escaping their clutch. 

Does this resonate with anybody? 