I've never thought that I would join Reddit. But here I am, sitting behind my computer screen, asking for help.  


For some clarification beforehand, I'm nearly 17 years old, and I'm still struggling to manage my way through highschool. I understand that I have a lot more to experience, that this may all go away some day. However, at this moment, I cant bare to live another day hating myself. I need some advice.   


My whole life I have been harsh on myself - constantly rejecting any compliment thrown at me, thinking that they are "only just saying that." I've grown up to believe that I am not attractive, that when people confess their feelings to me, that they are foolish and blind. I pushed my first boyfriend away because I couldn't stomach the idea that he wanted to be with me. Getting compliments while I'm working at my part-time job makes me insecure because I believe they're just saying these things to make themselves feel good - as they "probably made an ugly, unfortunate girl's day better." I self sabotage daily, binge eating, then not eating for days at a time. I've resorted to unhealthy resolutions, that don't seem to help anymore. I get so incredibly nauseous with emotions, no matter what they are. I hate the way I am right now - it's like I'm not allowing myself to be happy, to accept who I am.   
For awhile, I used to think that everyone was like a Christmas tree. I know, it sounds weird but hear me out. Everyone dresses and decorates their tree's differently; trees representing themselves. You cant change how the tree is formed - as it grew that way. It's unique to the other trees. You can add garland, lights, and ornaments to your liking. You decorate your own tree, as if it were your own person. But lately, I've been viewing my tree as decaying, the garland was loose and falling off, the lights were dying out. My tree became bare. And for a few months, I've been feeling out of body - like I was viewing my tree face-to-face. I'd look back at my past and becoming nauseous thinking of how I must've looked around my "friends." Their tree's were glowing; they were healthy and put-together. It puts a lump in my throat to think about people wanting to be around me, when my dull, lacking tree will only bring down their beaming ones.  
Not only have I completely destroyed the way I view my appearance, I also believe that my personality is at fault. I push all of my friends away. I lost one of my best friends in 7th grade because I always flaked on her; she told me to get a therapist and went to sit with her more outgoing friends. I never shared my mental  health issues with my friends. I felt too embarrassed to talk to them about my hobbies and interests, and I didn't want them to view me as negative or "broken.". I tried my very best to fit in with them, pretending to like what they did so that I didn't lose them. I have this constant fear of being alone, and yet I purposefully push them all away because they drain me. Recently, I got emotionally attached to an internet friend for the first time. I showed him my vulnerable side, the ugly and the good. And he said he needed space from me too... I believe no matter how I act, no matter how hard I try, I always end up disappointing someone and myself. I constantly think that there is something wrong with me, that I cause all of my friends to drift away. When I want to cope with my mental health, I get nagged at by family for being isolated. I can't  seem to escape anything.  
My parents always told me, "I don't know what we did wrong for your self-esteem to be this low?" And if I'm being completely honest, neither do I. I'm not sure why I put myself down all the time. I don't understand why I cant give myself an ounce of happiness. Everyone keeps telling me that I have a lot going for me. I come from a family of jealousy. My mother always said she wished she looked like me when she was younger, my sister constantly compares herself to me, saying that I'm "perfect." I don't understand why they would want to be someone like me? I look at myself in photos, and I don't even know who that is. My personality I'd say is quite average. For gosh sake, my name doesn't even feel mine anymore. Every therapist I have gone to get stumped, every new medication that I try always fail. Why would anyone want to even be near someone like me - someone unfixable?   


I'm writing here to not only ask for advice, but for those who can relate, to share their experiences and how they cope too. I'm extremely stumped, and ranting to strangers feels like a last resort.