In 2015 my sister died of a tragic drinking and driving accident. I began to put off her death for 3 years. I did not accept it and began to use street vyvanse... it was insanely strong and it was to keep up with work. Long story short, imagine seeing your sister every broke boken eyes googly from not being in focus any longer a rod sticking out of her head to manage reading the blood on her brain and see if you weren't traumatized. When I began using, I was also using lortab daily (1) and in 2016 I had a mental breakdown one night thinking all sorts of strange things like I had killed her, my mom had killed her, that cia had killed her.. 

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I believe my use of drugs caused me to go into a substance abuse psychosis. 

When I was hospitalized .. they tested me and many drugs came out in their test but yet the doctors said it was not from substance abuse. That I was bipolar. I was put on antipsychotics. 

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Fast forward to 2020 and I began using again this time, meth to keep up my failing energy (incredibly drowsy) for my job. Nothing seemed to help me. 

I was hospitalized again as I thought I was kidnapped from birth. More antipsychotics. 

Fast forward to right after that I began seeing a therapist who said I was misdiagnosed and had major depression and PTSD. 

Still stayed on antipsychotics will seeing a psych doctor who I still see to this day. Never in my life have I experienced a mental breakdown ... hearing voices ... or psychotic symptoms until I did hard drugs and then all of a sudden I was deemed psychotic with a mental illness. Not one time before not one time after to this day in 2022 but here I am... on antipsychotics. I've gained so much weight people think I'm now pregnant. Its disgusting what antipsychotics do to a person. For me, I'm on Vraylar and Lamictal and I just don't understand why I'd be on both a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic. 

Why has my psychiatrist kept me on antipsychotics when her own therapist said it was PTSD. They do not think it was caused by substance abuse but that I have Bipolar 1. I dont hear voices, I do and have previously while not medicated had an aggressive attitude and irritated very easily with lots of migraines packed in there. A temper sure, depressed majorly? Absolutely but, antipsychotics for psychosis that in my opinion was caused by drugs? It just doesn't sit well with me and i'm writing to you after many years of being on antipsychotics. I'm ready and stable enough to get off of them. Also, while my mental breakdown after my sisters death was so severe I had to be given 6 ECT's to snap out of it. I personally feel I should have never been on antipsychotics in the first place and that it only made me appear more crazy than seeing your big sister lying on a bed with every bone broken already will do to a person... Mom and Dad do not have bipolar so its not genetics. I do have major depression I struggle with but Lamictal really helps me. I have noticed medicine evens out my aggressive moods but, psychotic? I'm just not what they think I am. And I wanted your opinions, kind thoughts and voice to help me navigate this so awful journey I've been on since 2015. 

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Thank you kindly.