I just need someone. Anyone that can relate to me. 

I feel like a demon. I feel unworthy of being in a marriage. I feel like I’m abusive to my husband. I want to leave. I want him to leave me. 

I feel like an immature child when I become irrational with my husband. No filter. I raise my voice. I use extreme sarcasm. I push his buttons. I WANT him to leave, but I know I’d be devastated with him in my life. 

He’s the only one that’s put up with me the longest. I was married to my high school sweetheart and he ended up falling out of love with me after only living together for eight months (he was in the military and deployed for most of our relationship). My current husband and I have been together for six years and married for two. He’s my longest relationship and obviously longest marriage.

At what point do I leave because I know I’m the problem? I’m selfish. I’m an asshole. I don’t deserve love and need to be alone. 

And I’m not even sure if these are accurate thoughts. I don’t know what’s wrong with my brain. For years doctors told me I have Bipolar Disorder (NOS) but there’s no possible way I can shift from incredibly happy to suicidal within fifteen minutes?! I’ve been to so many doctors. On so many medications. Nobody will listen to me. I finally opted for medicinal marijuana to help and so many doctors look at me like I’m an idiot. But with my insomnia, eating disorder, and PTSD, I feel at a loss on what medication to be on. I’m tired of the pills. I’m tired of waiting for a new side effect. And I’m not against medication in the slightest. I think people need it. And maybe I just haven’t found the right combo. 

I don’t know. I need help. I need a friend. I need to not feel alone. I feel on edge. I feel like I want to throw everything that’s in my hand, including this phone at my tv. I’m stressed out of my mind with bills and it’s setting me on the edge most days. Am I really living to just die stressed over money I’ll probably never be able to get and pay off. 

I’m sorry. Feeling alone.