Everyday i feel like i can wake up at either end of the emotional spectrum and by the end of the day ive rode up and down the spectrum 2-3 times. I can feel positive about myself, thinking about how funny or good i look on the way to hang out with my friends but i know all itll take is one sentence from them or one bad thought to shoot me down to feeling suicidal. 

It could be something so simple like my friend saying "that tall guy is hot". Then the mind in my 5'7 self starts to get agitated and question my whole physical integrity and within 10 minutes after a long hard fight with my demons i come to conclusion that i offer nothing to world and i hate my friends. 

I feel like ill never truly understand the world and my place in it because my feelings towards myself and it are always changing. i try to read a lot to get hard facts on what makes a good guy and other stuff to find good qualities in myself that people may appreciate to find some self worth but in the end it makes it worse because im keeping up my black and white thinking standards and mentality. 

I guess i just wanna find some stability in my self worth and emotions but even with therapy i dont see myself getting better, im just gaining my traits in myself i need to worry about to feel good like trying to think positive and exude confidence so now when i dont i start feeling like shit. Every way out of this disorder feels like a fucking paradox man.