I (25F) have a somewhat complicated history with my boyfriend (24M). We met in 8th grade (in a school that was grade 7-12) and we were each others’ firsts. Before I was ever diagnosed with BPD I was always breaking up with him as soon as I heard he liked someone else at school. I knew it was inevitable, that both he and I would want to see other people (cause it’s high school of course) but it still tore me up inside to literally see him at school flirting with other girls and then hooking up with them. And naturally, because it was high school, I would eventually hear about it from the grapevine and I grew more unstable and full of rage. We were on and off throughout all of high school, while I was going through immense abuse behind closed doors at home. He was my only source of love/affection, so naturally I felt abandoned by him constantly. In college, we kind of saw each other casually up until he told me he wanted to see other people again, and broke up with me. The same week, I found out my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I became suicidal and I didn’t see the point of living anymore if I all the sources of love I had in my life were either gone or already slipping away. Years of therapy and self work later I’m in a much better state of mind, I deleted all my social media and I live with my boyfriend now. I NEVER act on it, but I find myself constantly splitting on him several times a day, I lose count. I never let it influence my behavior because know it’s not fair or rational but it takes every fiber of my being to not react in any way. Simple things like a movie or a song or having an old high school friend over will trigger me and remind me of the times that he hurt me or made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. He isn’t like his high school self at all and he does a great job of reassuring his love for me and I don’t question that- what’s bothering me is that I simply can not reconcile these two images of him in my head- they are totally separate people to me. The one who hurt me and the one who loves me. Rationally, I know he’s the same person with all the good and bad things, but I’m exhausted of splitting. I’m fucking tired of it. I want to love and be loved with no strings attached. I love him and he loves me, we both have our own romantic pasts and I understand that, I accept it. But it still drives me mad and it hurts to sit next to someone you love and then completely change your mind about them within seconds of telling them you love them. I feel like I need to solve this, like a puzzle. I don’t want to keep seeing him in a dark light.