Short story: **seeking advice re: alcohol use and BPD and relationships** : I want to quit drinking so badly for a plethora of reasons, but i feel like my BPD is holding me back. how do i move beyond the excuses and take control of my life??

Longer story: never used to drink (well, drank once every two months or so. 2 to 3 times a year I'd go to a bar with friends/coworkers. That's it). Started dating my bf a year and a half ago. He didn't drink much but then started drinking more and more and idk how it happened but I followed along. It went from never, to once a week, to a couple times a week, and now in the last six months it's been basically 5 to 10 drinks every day. Sometimes more. usually 2L of coolers a day approximately. 

Main problems are as follows:

- my bf doesn't have a car so often on my way home from work he'll send me money to pick him up drinks. I am so weak going into a liquor store and I end up buying for myself too if I'm there. Sometimes if I hesitate to stop or tell him I don't think it's a good idea, bf will even say he'll send me his money to cover my own drinks too... Very hard to resist. (He walks/skateboards to get his own drinks often, but it's been getting colder and sometimes it just doesn't workout. If it was anything other than booze I completely wouldn't mind a quick stop on my way home.)

- big problem: i absolutely hate my body now thanks to drinking. Have tried so hard to lose weight, eating 1200 calories per day and attempting to maintain a calorie deficit with food, but I know it's all down to the drinking. When I met him I was 5'11" and 130 lbs (kinda underweight but I felt decent. Just needed some muscle tone)... Now I'm 180+ lbs (too scared to step on the scale now) and getting stretch marks in the last month. I feel like crying (and often do) when I look in the mirror or try to get dressed. I've always had body/confidence issues but it's getting so terrible.

- it's draining my money!!! I want to get more tattoos, travel post-covid, buy new furniture, and adopt more animals and such... But I can't save any money when I'm spending $70 to $100 per week on alcohol!!! I make barely above minimum wage.

- I have an autoimmune disorder and a whole host of other mild to moderate health issues, and I'm sure alcohol is NOT helping my healing and probably exacerbating my issues. but it's the only way I've found to numb myself and my BPD mania/mood swings.

- I'm almost down my bachelor's degree and have plans for getting a masters in anthropology. I want to save money for this. I also want to get healthy, and workout/get fit for the first time in my life. I want to have a passion for living. I feel like alcohol is exacerbating my depression and BPD, and holding me back. I want to take my responsibility for my life and health, and I want to encourage my partner to do the same!

i appreciate any advice from fellow BPDers and BPD-drinkers.

sending good vibes to you all