Soooo, I was in a very toxic long term relationship. I have bpd and my ex showed a lot of narccistic traits...

We broke up - I started topless waitressing and stripping again (he made me quit), I've been sleeping with a LOT of people, getting drunk a lot and doing a lot of drugs too. I gave up my personal training business and just want to travel and find myself.

But now I want him back and I want to take back everything that has happened but I can't! I am worried I've made the biggest mistake of my life and what if this is going to take me down a horrible, loveless,lonely path. 

(Note I've been in 7 years of relationships back to back in the past 10 years) I'm 25!! Am I ruining my life???? I'm not on drugs anymore! I am so bpd! I need to learn how to survive ALONE!!!! But I am soooooo heart broken I can't think about how I'll ever be happy without him. 

I hate how much of who I am is attached to a person and it always has been. A person, a job...