I’m so tired of being such a horrible person.. I really am. Good lord, I am just fucking awful. Why am I like this? Why is it so hard to be a normal, decent human being. I literally ruin everything I have any form of interaction with. I have been married for a little over 2 years now. We have been together for 6 years total, and it has been up and down the whole time. I have realized that it is all my fault. I used to think that my wife made mistakes in this marriage too, but I was wrong! It has literally been all my fault. She would blame me for things and take ownership for anything as it would make me oh so very angry. But I have realized that everything is my fault.  Is a life with BPD even worth living? I’m not suicidal, nor am I thinking of harming myself etc. but what the fuck is this kind of life??  I try to be positive, to trust people, to try and make friends etc to no avail. But yet the being that controls my strings has other plans. I hate not having any control. I have enough issues from my time in the military to be dealing with this bullshit too. 

To those that have it somewhat “together,”.... I am so very jealous.   Maybe one day I will be somewhat half ass decent, but at this point in time... I don’t see that as being possible.      I just want to get fucked up so I can’t feel anything anymore. I am so tired of being such a horrible human being and a worthless husband.  I try everyday to be a better man. 😔

Rant over, I’m sorry if I wasted your time.