Grew up as a black male in the deep south. Never had my father in life, just my mother, half sister, my mom's parents and a bunch of cousins. I grew up with a severe speech disability that adversely affected my social skills coupled with not having good opportunities in the city I'm from. So many of my peers ended up on drugs or a life of crime and some of my best friends now are homeless.

My mom never had time for me because we was always working but she has always been extremely overprotective and controlling so I never had the chance to do a lot of things kids got to do growing up. My sister was and still is abusive towards me verbally for whatever reason. She would always tell me she wished I wasn't born and that I was adopted. Constantly would nitpick every little thing I'd do.

I basically raised myself on the internet, especially on Facebook because then I felt like I had hundreds of friends and people would listen to me and I could communicate despite my speech issues.

I moved out as soon as I turned 18 because I couldn't deal with my family anymore and I put a lot of distance between me and them. I never bothered to go to college because I never could decide on what I wanted to do and felt like I needed to have a plan first, because almost everyone I know has a degree in something but they're totally not using it.

I went through an abusive relationship for a few years after I moved and ended up losing a lot of my mutual friends because the person I was with because they only listened to her side when she lied and accused me of horrible things and then excused it by using her Bipolar Disorder as a crutch. That whole experience really hurt me and I never fully recovered from it.

Losing my only father figure in my life, my granddad was the start of my depression.

Fast forward to now, I met someone who pulled me out of that deep depression and we dated for three years. We had an amazing relationship, there were rarely any fights or negative moments. I felt like things were finally okay for me. I planned on marrying them and we decided to move across the country for her to further continue her education but as soon as we got there, she broke up with me and cut off almost all contact with me and never fully explained why she did it. So I was a thousand miles away from everything I knew, in a place I felt like I didn't belong. 

I struggled to make friends there, no matter how much I tried and I battled with the constant thoughts of suicide from being totally abandoned. I finally had a complete mental breakdown and quit my job and decided to move back home, hoping I could find some happiness here but so far none of my friends that acted so excited to see me have put any effort into seeing or talking to me and my family is just as toxic as they ever have been.

I tried restarting therapy and it doesn't help me, I tried self medicating with CBD and Delta 8 products but it was just a coping mechanism. I rarely find enjoyment in anything anymore. I feel like the world has completely abandoned me and the moment I finally get the courage to go through with ending it all, everyone's going to pretend like they were always there for me.

The only thing keeping me here is my cat, he's been the one consistently good thing in my life and I love him more than anything else in the entire world. I don't know how to move forward with my life anymore, it doesn't feel like there's a point. What my ex did to me and my subsequent experience living in another state completely ruined my world view and my view of people. I don't know how to trust or love another human being again. I've turned into this rude cold person and I hate it. It feels like no one takes my pain seriously.

I just keep having hope things will get better and I don't know if they will but I made a pact with myself that I can't take my own life, but I'm absolutely not afraid to die anymore. I just want peace.