Hi I'm new here \[27F\]. I think I just need some advice or someone to talk to, I'm not sure, but the last 12 months have been rough. I have a laundry list of things that are causing me to slip further and further downwards, and all the little good points have dark clouds hanging over them.

This is long. if you read it, thank you. If you dont, i really can't blame you, I probably wouldn't either.

chronologically, my cat of 22years died. She was my best friend and I couldnt be there because I'd chosen to move abroad for work, met a guy \[M33\] and decided to stay. In those months I thought it was more important to stay halfway across the world rather than be with her in her last moments, and I cannot forgive myself for that. Perhaps this is oversimplified, but this is what it comes down to.

Said man then left back to his home country for reasons outside of our 2yr relationship, but it's been said to me by multiple people that leaving me was a bonus for him. Within a couple of months he told me he no longer loves me or misses me. I believed we were soulmates, but your soulmate loves you back.

I was illegally evicted from my home and my rent tripled overnight. The anxiety this process caused me was unbearable, I was taking sedatives in order to sleep and work. I'd been trying to live independently while still doing the job i loved and not succumbing to the rat-race, but I now get financial help from my family which contributes to my feelings of inadequacy and my being a financial and emotional burden on them. (more about that next)

The cat I had adopted while living abroad died a slow, painful death in my arms due to the negligence of the vets in the local area. I was devestated, he was supposed to come back to the UK and be a companion for my dad who was struggling with neurological and mental health issues which both the NHS and private sector were unable to treat effectively or diagnose.

My dad tried to kill himself on my sisters birthday. I was trying to do damage control from halfway around the world. My dad was unwilling, or unable, to help himself. The rest of the family (minus my sister as she had already taken on far too much and a young 20-something - a lot of back story her trying to coordinate many different hospitals, doctors, appointments, half-truths, whole-lies, and keeping the family business afloat)

Due to my dads health issues we had become somewhat estranged. Communication was difficult and often ended in arguments. we stopped speaking as much.

I came home for a visit and saw him a few days after I arrived home. It was a nice visit. No one addressed the elephant in the room.

I few days later I got the call my dad had been successful this time. He had killed himself.

Then come the stress and heartache of funeral arrangements, having the house forensically cleaned (which I organised as no one else would go in to see what needed cleaning), and now sorting out the mess that is our family business, which he refused to show me, my mother, or sister how it all works because we are women.

Now my mother is on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I am being slowly zoned out of my job, which I love, but the non-profit I helped build is becoming something I can't be a part of. I am back at school getting my Masters (this is good), but the work is pointless in this world we live in. I'm going to do backbreaking work to prove that yep. everything is fucked.

I am emotionally spent.

I'm doing all this for what purpose?

I'm finally clean of all benzos and opiates, but at least when I was taking them I had a gorgeous few hours of release from reality. Now I'm sober... and what? I thought I was meant to feel better than this.

I'm angry at my dad for leaving all this mess for us to clean up (although i do understand why he did what he did), but mainly I am fucking pissed that he beat me to it, because my family can't lose someone else to suicide in less than 3 months.

I could make it look like an accident? how?

&amp;#x200B;

Anyway. thank you if you read this far. any advice would we appreciated, on any other this really. Or if anyone knows of more appropriate forums please let me know

pura vida, friends