I want to SCREAM. I AM TOO IN MY HEAD TRYING TO ANALYZE EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT WHY I AM THE WAY I AM AND IT IS MAKING ME HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE. I am not a good person. And this is not to say people with BPD are not good, i never thought that and in fact my suspicion was confirmed when i joined this subreddit. All amazing and so nice. But i am not sure i fit in entirely. As far as i can tell i am quiet borderline and upon further analysis of my brain i am afraid i have some narcissistic traits. Not outwardly but in the internal judgement of those around me. I don’t know why i am like this. I wish i never tried to get better. I was way better off thinking i only had depression with anxious features FUCK i wish my doctor did not open my eyes to all of this. I was unhappy and unsettled then yes but ive gotten worse. Slipping in and out of derealization/depersonalization daily and filled with an overwhelming sense of fear about the type of person i really am. I do not know how to stop worrying about it. And i know i am not as bad as a narcissist that acts on their thoughts (i shove them so far down i swear i don’t let anyone see it) but the fact that i have the thinking pattern associated with narcissism on top of my bpd (narcissism not confirmed by dr yet but i am too scared to bring it up) I literally cannot be around people. Unless none of this is real i don’t know anything anymore. I feel like an actual mistake that was dropped into this world. IGNORANCE IS FUCKING BLISS.