Was gonna use a throwaway account for this but at this point I'm not even bothered. This is gonna just be a long rant of me getting my feelings out, I don't expect anybody to read this but I don't have anywhere else to vent.

So I got diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago. Well, it was stated as EUPD, essentially the same thing though according to my crisis team. I've struggled with my mental health for years, I was hospitalised for an eating disorder in 2013, which is still an issue, depression, anxiety, PTSD, the works. BPD is fairly new to me. I've researched what it is, the symptoms, had therapy sessions and whatnot. It's honestly been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Knowing I'm not "normal" has literally skewed my perceptions on life, it's like knowing that in the back of my mind I won't ever be normal or be able to feel normal emotions like other people makes me act up as much as I do.

But anyway. I met my boyfriend (not sure if I can even call him my boyfriend anymore since I split soooo fucking hard tonight) met just over a year ago. We had a one night stand, it didn't mean anything, I didn't even expect to keep speaking to him afterwards, but we did. We started hanging out a lot. We just used to go out and get drunk pretty much every time we saw each other, but for me, that was fine. We ended up getting into a relationship even though none of use planned for it, I didn't want to be in a relationship (I have trust issues, body issues and honestly I hate people touching me unless I've stated that it's okay), but we got into a relationship the day after Valentine's Day. Things were fine for a while, I wasn't diagnosed then but I was still difficult, my emotions and reactions were so unpredictable. We broke up for a week over summer, it was stupid, but we stayed strong and got back together. Started arguing a tonne. Over stupid little things. I thought it was all my fault for how I felt because it was always whenever I said something had affected me that an argument arose. 

Fast forward to December. I finally got my own place (I was essentially homeless for around a year... either staying with him at his parents' house or at my mum's house) and it was a really stressful time. For some reason he started making assumptions that I would start getting guys to come over and I'd cheat on him... like, I'm not being funny, but I devoted my whole life to my boyfriend. He had cheated on me once and I forgave it because my feelings were SO strong. I was just trying to get my life together, so that threw me off, and I split. Told him to leave me the fuck alone. Hated him for a few days too. But we ended up talking again and sorted things out. Things were fine again for another 2 weeks. We both got really drunk one night, he provoked me verbally so I said nasty things back (that I shouldn't have, but hey, we can't help it.) and then things escalated to the point where the police had to get involved because of shit that went down. It was so ridiculous and it's still ongoing now, I don't even have my phone since they 'confiscated' it which is sending my mind into a deeper spiral.

Anyway, we spent a few weeks apart, neither of us spoke but I had a gut feeling he was on Tinder. So I made a profile and scrolled. Saw him on it. Went into a complete fucking meltdown and pretty much ruined Christmas. I wish I had killed myself back then because how I feel now after we tried to 'make up' isn't even worth it. But whatever. We spoke just before NYE and said we missed eachother, blah blah, we spent NYE together and everything was great. I was so in love again and I'd missed feeling like I was wanted and loved and cared about. But since then we fell out even more. He kept making comments about other women saying how hot they are (who looked the exact opposite to me...) and just being a general dickhead. He knows all of my boundaries, he knows touching has to be on my terms only because otherwise I just don't react well, which I know sucks for him as he needs the attention too but I just have boundaries so my head doesn't spin out. So yeah. He always talks about my past sexual experiences which honestly baffles me, he always tries to be all up in my business and he just acts so disposive of me. So tonight I finally flipped out and told him to get the fuck away from me. To leave me alone for good. 

Now, he knows all about my mental health problems. But doesn't make an effort to understand why I am the way I am. If I react, it's just me being a bitch. If I do anything in fact, it's me being a bitch. But I don't know what to do because I absolutely adore the bones off of him and would literally die for him. He keeps telling me that he doesn't feel wanted by me and it's breaking me to pieces because all I've ever done is love him and tried to be good to him and communicate the best I can so that he knows when I act him it's not the real me and I don't mean to. But nothing I ever do is good enough. I've been so out of order tonight and being nasty after he left and I regret everything because I literally cannot live without him but now I've fucked everything up for good I don't know what to do I'm not even supposed to be drinking anymore but I'm half a bottle of vodka down and I don't see the point in anything. This disorder fucking sucks so much. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

If anyone even reads this I'm so sorry that you did but I needed to vent and get everything off of my chest because it was eating up at me and I don't have any friends since I cut them all off like an idiot. Saying that though, if anybody does read this and can relate, what would be your best advice? I literally can't go on anymore and I don't want to message him right now saying I'm sorry so soon because I just look dumb as fuck and I can't believe how nasty I've been and he deserves so much better and just slhfkshdjhfdkgjhfdkgjhsjihkjgfh. Fuck this.