Hi, well first of all english isn’t my native language so i might make some mistakes which i apologize in advance 
I’ve said all of this so many times to so many people and i don’t know why i’m even writing this

I tried to kms twice and the second time was about a year ago. it was a very strange and sudden decision, i knew that I had promised my mom not to do it again but the odds of surviving was almost zero so I didn’t think about anything about my mom or anyone else i just apologized to my mom in my head and then i was calm and content 
i was completely certain that i will die, and i nearly did but after about 3-4 days i woke up
what i remember after that is hell. just my own personalized version of inferno mixed up with reality. i was told that i kept trying to run away and scream so they ended up tying up my hands and legs. i thought i was kidnapped and they were injecting me drugs, i was pulling out all the needles  my upper thighs and arms was full of them i thought that there’s water in my oxygen mask i saw an old lady near the blue curtain taking off her clothes her face bandaged like it was burnt. i looked up at the ceiling and in a square shaped lamp I could see pictures of people i cared about and there was blood dripping from them into my face all the doctors and nurses looked like people i knew (mostly people that i didn’t like) even one night i hallucinated that one of the nurses was raping me and i didn’t believe that none of this was real until weeks later. every night i heard some none-human creatures whispering, negotiating about whether they wanna take me away and kill me or not, like i was already dead but something was left and that was what they argued about, i heard them at nights even when i got home i didn’t believe my hallucinations was real after i got home not most of them. but I thought they won’t go away. by the way the whole time i was in the hospital i thought i was in some abandoned gas station and then on a plane when they carried me on the stairs 
I realized something about hell, I realized that there is always always a worse hell (i already knew that but it was never that clear to me) and that thought was comforting because the hell that i found myself into was something that was worse than anything else that I’ve ever felt in my whole life. and yet it just went away and i remained. and i just felt insignificant and weightless something that can get carried away with the wind my life was just a blink of an eye
i didn’t want to be saved no more not from death not from life if somehow it seems sad i know that i don’t feel sad it’s usually other people’s assumptions that I’m sad it’s not that bad for me
existence might not be as valuable to me or some other  people as much as it is to the rest
i felt some sad feeling though I really was deeply sorry that my family and friends had to get involved with me i didn’t feel grateful that my life was saved, not for the sake of my life itself.  but i was grateful that they tolerated me and i was grateful that they cared and now I realize if i had died it would’ve been the cruelest thing i’ve ever done to my mom, so i feel grateful about that too because i know that, even the dead me couldn’t bear that guilt
 it was confusing to face others i didn’t know how to react to them 
after i woke up i screamed asking that i want my mom a lot in the hospital but when i got out everything was so distorted in my mind I couldn’t feel any intense emotions i didn’t know what to do or what to say i acted like it’s not a big deal like i was there for some other reason 
even now i talk casually about horrible things that happened not because i don’t understand that it’s traumatizing because i don’t feel comfortable to talk about it any other way and i always feel like I’m gonna make others uncomfortable too. but i think about all of it and everyone that was effected by it, i think about so much actually and with so much guilt and shame 

first time that I overdosed i had a friend that told me that she knew i was going to kms that night but she abandoned me anyway because she was too angry at me (later that night she got a call from my bf to check on me and she told my family so she kinda did save my life) 
but after what she told me, i honestly and truly didn’t feel any bitterness towards her despite knowing that at some point she didn’t care about if i died. i get it. i never felt that way about anyone but i get that it really was hopeless. and i don’t expect even a single person to do anything for me but I also know that it’s impossible for most people to not try to save someone they care about or anyone really. we can’t just let someone die or suffer and do nothing
But i felt so much guilt about the people that i never expected or even wanted them to be involved with me in the first place it wasn’t even because I disliked them it was because i knew I’m not in a condition stable enough to act properly and they got involved with me anyway and inflicted so much guilt upon me despite the fact that it was their own choice

weeks and months after i came back home, i constantly felt like i was already a corpse, a chicken that’s running around for a while despite its head being cut of, i thought that i was living on extra times and it would be over very soon, but it occurred to me that there’s no reason for me to die just like how there’s no reason for me to live and than i felt a sense of relief because it was like I didn’t have to wait for death anymore i didn’t have to feel alive either i just continued to exist and some day i’ll die which might be just as random and ridiculous as life
 now I know that death is just the same as life both of them are pointless and random. it doesn’t matter nothing matters and It’s all right