I have anxiety, depression and I will quote my therapist "symptoms of PTSD and Dp/dp" whatever that means.  

Where the hell do I start, I posted early but that's not all that's wrong with me. Alongside my porn use, I used to sext, I made online friends because I was so fucking socially anxious, I also wanted someone to love me like romantically. When I was 13 I went on omegle, and I met this pretty nice guy I think he was 15/16 and he asked for a semi-nude photo in my bra, after a long back and forth of coersion and saying that Im so pretty, so hot, so everything I sent it, I hated my body and my looks so much I needed a weirdo to tell me Im pretty. Lockdown was a bitch too, I was so fucking lonely, note I was 15 and he was 18, at first it was really friendly, then turned sexual, he said he would wait till im 16 and then its legal, like thinking about it now ew, he would only really text me when he was in the mood, and then he ghosted me. I didnt send any photos (luckily). Then cue to another guy, I willingly sent photos (in my underwear) so someone could tell me that Im attractive, Im such a fucking slut, I needed guys to tell me Im hot so I feel better about myself. Then the last guy said all the right things, but this time his was a pedo, he fucking made me feel nice to keep talking to me to keep me. I felt so fucking used, so disgusting, that it was my fault. Why am I so fucked up, what's wrong with me. 15 year olds have their first kisses, they hold hands, they don't send fucking pictures of themselves, I just hate this, I hate myself, why am I such a stupid fuck up. I never asked to be this fucked up.

Also, when I was from 9-11 I was bullied a lot, I have fucking flash backs, the bullies grounded my self-esteem to nothing, instead of going to meet friends I was thinking of killing myself. Why me, sometimes I wish it could all be over so Im not in pain anymore, Im struggling. Instead of being a normal kid, I was all tangled, I just hate this. 

I felt so bad about myself, I had problems making friends, online friends were nice and I liked some chatrooms, but I had to have male-validation to feel an ounce of self-love, now that I dont do that Im stuck with feeling the aftermath which is guilt, shame and even more fucking shame.

&amp;#x200B;

I try so hard to get out of this cycle of overthinking, I feel like such a shitty person, like a slut, a degenerate, not worthy of any fucking love. When my mum hugs me I feel like she deserves a different daughter, not me and my fucked up head.