Title pretty much says it.

I've had some more severe mental health problems about half a year back, but I'm round 5 months clean rn.

About 3 weeks ago I started to fantasize about death again. Not particularly on a way to kill myself or anything, more about the circumstances.
Idk why, but I honestly just want to die an Heroic death. Something you see on the tube or something.
I'm not in Military yet, but as I am Austrian, the chance of being deployed in a combat zone, and not being SF is equally to 0.

Still I can't help to think about dying in a way, that I save others lives.

Even if not in a military way, something like, that I push somebody out of harms way and I get run over instead.

I know that that's not normal, but I honestly just needed a place to shoot it out.