I've finally made an appointment with a new therapist (and also a dental hygienist appointment after not affording getting my teeth looked after for years, but now I'm scared because I was told the person is doing an internship and I was like ok like will they supervise them? I didn't ask any of that...).

I feel like thanks to St John's wort I have recovered from a bad and very long depressive episode (started last November and I was seeing someone for it, but they only could do so much and I couldn't tolerate the meds they gave me).

Now I even feel ok?! My mother thought it's weird I'm taking something, like I don't need it. I am more of a quiet BPD and very avoidant person. I am not sure if I am really ok, or if I'm going back to bad. I don't socialize and don't have hobbies, but I am not sure if that can ever change.

Shielded from everything and with these pills, I don't feel as much of an inner turmoil. I feel like a fake. What if I'm a (somewhat) healthy person pretending to have a disorder? I know I made it sound like a classic identity disturbance, but what if it really is like that?

I will need to see a doctor before seeing the therapist, what will I even tell them? I do experience anxiety if I leave my comfort zone, and maybe if I think about a cute guy like I'll never be I will get very unstable or depressed again. But maybe I wouldn't. And also, what if I just never leave the bubble again? I know I have felt like this a million times already, but I feel like somewhat in control right now and I'm scared of wasting resources.

In this moment I feel like I'm really making it all up...