*I've been a healthy relationship for over 5 months now but I can't stop thinking about the possibility that I might have became the toxic aka red flag partner.* 

  
My partner knew about me having BPD before we even got together, however he never experienced the ups and downs when it comes to being in a romantic relationship with a person like me. In the beginning I masked a lot, covered up my flaws which requires a lot of will to do. Then when we got closer to our first moth, my facade started to fade away, that led me showing more and more of my BPD side. Nasty outburst, getting flashbacks, panic attacks and plain unreasonable paranoia.   
The fact that I just got out of a very toxic 'situationship' when we got together did not help me heal from all the trauma I've been through. I feel like my partner might do the things that asshole did to me before. When I try to sleep and I know he is up because of insomnia I can't stop thinking about the night when I caught my ex jerking off next to me. I have this voice in my head reminding about me that, so instead of falling asleep I keep awake, facing the wall not even making a sound. 30 minutes passes  by each time and that's when my body starts shaking from all the memories that pop up in my head. It's not fair against my partner that I keep talking about my "ex" cause he might think I miss him, but that's not the case. I do not miss him. He wounded me so deeply that now during my healing phase I have vivid memories about all the traumatic shit he has done to me.   
I catch myself act in a way that would be really similar to my abuser. The main difference is I'm just trying to protect myself, so I won't have to relive the same pain over and over again.   
*Why do I think I'm the Red Flag now ?*   
Simple, I keep on asking him who he is talking to, trying my hardest not to peep into his web history. If we watch a movie and a female lead gets on the screen I tend to get over jealous. This thing only occurs  when we watching something I watched with my "ex" and he made comments about how pretty the actress was. Made me feel worthless. So I just lose myself. I star an argument over nothing.   
I know it can be tiring over time. I'm scared one day he just gonna tell me to go back to my mum's place or he just gonna go to the countryside to his family for a couple of days.  
I'm fighting myself each day, cause I know he is not like that dude at all. Still, I get so easily triggered and at times the only answer seems like giving him space from my bullshit. 

||||
|:-|:-|:-|
||||