I've been out tonight to see a friend. He's going through a tough time and I wanted to just be a friend and help him have a good night and a mental break from life's pitfalls.

I think it went well, he had a good time surrounded by friends and he seemed to be in more or less high spirits when I left.

Walking home I had some time on my own. I'm sure everyone here knows that time alone with your thoughts can lead you down some dark rabbit holes and that is where I've found myself.

I can't be bothered to go into too much detail about my life experiences. The short of it is that I've dealt with anxiety and depression from a young age following a bereavement and that those mental health issues have sadly sculpted my life. Recently I've had a sudden and unexpected breakdown of a long term relationship and the loss of my father during the Covid pandemic amongst other things that have compacted the issue.

Wandering home in the dark, I've reflected on my place in life. I've always tried to do the right thing no matter the cost to me. Often to my detriment. I don't regret it, I guess it's a tenet so to speak. The last two years I've worked to bring about change to do whatever I can to prevent other people losing loved ones in the event of a future world health crisis like covid. It's taken a lot of dedication and time and effort. I've done that because it was the right thing to do and nobody else was doing it.

I'm very aware that the work I'm doing is not for me. It's for the people that come after me. That had made me think about where I fit in. I'm forced to confront that I tend to place myself on the fringes, outside of society. Part of that is to do with how I see myself and how I perceive that other people see me. I tend to assume that I am disliked and that even close friends only tolerate me out of pity. It's completely illogical nonsense, I fully understand that but it still plays on my mind.

Tonight has made me think, that maybe my life isn't my own. That I can't actually be happy but through what I do, be it campaign for societal change or support a friend through a divorce or whatever, I'm helping other people to be happy. Maybe that's all my life can be and I should accept that and get on with it. I don't know.

Does anyone else feel the same? What do you all think?