You are always truly alone 

Even when you need help would you really trouble your friends with your troubles

Having been in a relationship , it made me realised that I’m destined to be alone 

I am truly undeserving of love

Call it low self esteem but my existence is jus burdensome 

I am incapable of loving

I shouldn’t  have accepted her confession if I ever knew I was gonna break her heart due to my incapabilities

I am very well loved by my parents but I cannot reciprocate the love they are showering me because how could I do that when i don’t even know how to love in the first place

Wouldn’t my parents be better off without me? And my sis as well. 

I brush them off everytime they try to talk to me not because I hate them. I just really want a quiet environment where I can be left alone. My sis would also be better off without me because there would be no comparison

I want to tell someone my problems but what do I seek from it? Validation probably right. I wanna be told that I’m doing a good job and everything is gonna be fine but that’s so stupid

I don’t want the problem to be solved. I just wanna be validated

My family really shouldn’t have birth to me. I’m sure they hoped for a boy whose all about that positivity, bearing a child to continue the family lineage, be a good filial son. 

I am trying my best here. I actually am right? Except for the part where I do not want a child because I do not want to get into a relationship because I can’t fall in love and love someone else. How could I even dream of bringing a child into this world where I find this world such a suffocating place to live in? Am I being filial? I snapped at them too frequently and I cant figure out the reason why. They radiate positivity and being around them just makes me feel drained and worthless 

They definitely have their troubles right. After all they are working adults. But they still show me the positive side of themselves after work when I’m sure they can be frustrated. But I can’t hide mine. I’m constantly frustrated with questioning the meaning of my life. I really want to end it but how could I? My family will go thru so much pain if I’m gone. I’m sure they love me which is why I can’t do it. 

But I really want this to end. The world is a harsh place for me to live in. I do not want to implicate anyone and as much as I want to share my problems. This is too much of a burden to bear for anyone. Especially my best friends this is something I won’t share purely because I do not want them to waste time and effort worrying over someone like me. 

Because let’s be honest, friends can be forgotten. Yeah sure they might or might not mourn for awhile. But life moves on and sooner or later, you will just be a memory to them no matter how close you were. Which is why you should keep the problems to yourself. Because it wouldn’t have matter. 

If you share your problems only wanting to be validated, the cycle will repeat. So why don’t you let the problem build up and eats you from within? This can build up your negativity and eventually gives the courage to end it all. And once everything ends, life will be normal.

But yeah everyone’s gonna mourn for awhile but that’s it. It will benefit you and friends and family really. They will not have to be worried about you or listen to your troubles that gives them headaches. One lesser nuisance in the world

I’m sure my sis hates me somewhere in her heart. She’s sociable but yet shows no interest in studies. I am unsociable and i do not show interest in studies but I force myself to so i don’t disappoint my parents. But by “succeeding” in academics it places a burden on her to do equally if not better than me. As for her, I really put in my best effort as an older brother to be the best brother i can be. I might get protective and snitch at times but I dare swear it’s always for her best interest even though she definitely doesn’t feel that way. 

She definitely deserves someone that can treat her like a queen. Yeah sure she can be rebellious but I still want the best for her because it’s the least I could do as a brother. As for my parents, I know work has taken a toll on them and as the eldest son I can’t afford to put more load on them. 

That’s why I made most of my life decisions by myself thinking it’s the best for me. I chose the college and university and got a sponsorship for my university studies so my parents could have more financial freedom to “invest” in my sis. I hide medical conditions that I have. Being diagnosed with major depressive disorder was the biggest thing I hid from them. I took anti depressants and went for treatment and paid for it by myself when i was only 20 with the money I saved up. I have been working part time every holiday since i was 16. I went thru counselling and spent thousands which did help for awhile 

But ultimately science can only bring you so far and that science effect has ran out on me so here I am once again. At the crossroads of making another hard decision to end it off

Meeting her thinking she was the right one truly broke my heart. Maybe I was caught up in the moment when she confessed and I said yes in the heat of the moment because at that moment I had no doubt that she was the right one. We had so much in common and everything seemed so right. We dated for a month and a half before a really small conflict broke the relationship. The reasons were simple. She felt that I wasn’t giving her the ideal level of affection that she wants but she told me that she was willing to settle with what I’m giving which broke my heart because I gave it a 101% and loved someone for the first time in my life other than myself. The other being that we have very different ways of resolving a conflict. It broke my heart when I realised that the only way to move forward is to end things 

But wasn’t the one at fault for how things turned out me? Personally I feel that I should have handled it more maturely but I just could not get over the fact that she used the word “settle” especially after knowing how much I was trying. But that relationship is over and it’s okay. I think about it from time to time but that’s just how life works. People come and go. 

Family and friends are there but I cant even approach them for the fear of adding to their list of troubles that they face everyday. And for that I just want an outlet to end it. But my life isn’t even mine in the first place because ending it would create more problems and troubles for everyone around me. 

Life still goes on and I put on this “everything is fine” persona but I’m 22 now and it’s getting harder by the day to wake up and say “im gonna get through today”

I’m sorry for posting this and forgive my grammar. This was supposed to be my own thoughts (something like a diary) but somehow it found it’s way into this platform. For those that went thru something similar, how did life turned out?