At 12/13 i started having psychosis and mood issues. I was hospitalized a lot and was on countless medications until I went to residential at 15, got put on lithium, got therapy and haven’t had issues since. However, I was worried about my kidneys and health so i saw a specialist who recommended i got off lithium. I though since i’d been stable so long and i wanted to look out for my health, I should try it. I’ve been off the lithium for like 8 months and everything was fine for most of it but now i’m worried.
I haven’t had psychosis since i was 15 but my mood has gotten messed up again. I feel really depressed and unmotivated a lot of the time, and super anxious and creative other times. It’s hard to know if it’s the same i used to feel bc i’m 20 now and it’s hard to remember being sick. I also have trauma and memory issues so that makes it difficult too. I lost some of my closest friends recently (toxicity on their end) and I don’t feel like I can make more bc i’m scared they’re going to hurt me the way i did. Now i only have one friend so i’m very lonely, depressed, and anxious. On the other hand, i get randomly impulsive and creative and i can’t sleep. I typed pages of words at 4am when i knew i had to get up at 8 the other day and then last night i get my tongue repierced an hour away the night before an early class. I also cycle between hyper sexuality and sex repulsion (again maybe a trauma thing?). I’m dealing with constant suicidal thoughts and confusion about why i feel the way i do. I just wanna lay in bed all day and not do anything most of the time. It’s hard to know what’s going on because there’s so many factors.
I started smoking weed about a year ago, and i started taking a steroid medication maybe like 5/6 months ago so I don’t know how these are interacting with my brain either. I don’t want to stop the steroid bc it helps my other health condition but makes me extremely anxious to the point where i can’t drink coffee, get to sleep at a decent time, or get through the day without crazy anxiety or irritability. I don’t want to stop smoking because it helps me curb the anxiety from the steroids but i’m becoming lowkey addicted and i don’t know how it’s affecting my mood. It’s harder and harder to take t breaks because i’m so anxious without it. 
I know i should see a psychiatrist but i don’t want to be on medication anymore. I don’t want to see a therapist again or quit smoking. I just don’t want to do anything i’m so unmotivated. I want to drop out or flee the country or just be anywhere but here. I hate how i’m down so often now. I’m probably relapsing huh?