I was diagnosed with BPD March ‘19. At first, everything finally made sense and I was able to put a name to what I’ve been feeling my whole life. However, that happiness quickly went away. I’m active duty military, and after I was diagnosed the psychologist recommended for me to be administratively discharged. This killed me inside, broke me because I was only forced to see a psychologist after I reported a sexual assault. This made me feel so inadequate because there are plenty of active duty members who live with BPD and work well in the military. I felt targeted because of how I reacted after I was raped..... but excused me I was raped. How am I supposed to “act”. 

So after all that crap, till today they are still trying to discharge me and I have learned to completely ignore the BPD in me. I guess last year I was so worried about being discharged that I completely ignored and neglected the diagnosis I truly have. In my head, the more I deny having BPD the more it will show the military I don’t have it? My lawyers continue to tell me that they feel I will be retained as along as I don’t have another “accident”. This all started March ‘19 and I have not had any accident since them. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything. Just shows how great I’ve been able to hide my emotions.

Now it’s one year later and lately I have dramatically been feeling my BPD symptoms. Yes I felt them throughout all last year, however I learned to keep myself at a distance away from people so no more “accidents” happen. Until this past week. Someone I was closed to, you can even call him my FP because I just felt alive with him, betrayed my trust and confidence. We’ll call him Adam. On a Sunday, I went by Adam’s dorm after a going-away dinner for my co-worker. I was feeling very sad because my co-worker was my absolute last friend at my duty stationed. I went to Adam’s place trying to find some comfort after realizing I was totally alone now. One thing led to another and we became physical (nothing new, it’s been going on since Nov). Afterwards, when I was changing, someone knocked on his door. He quickly changed and answered it, no one was there. Then his phone started blowing up. I then said to him “I asked you last week if you were seeing anyone else too tell me, for my own protection” he responded with “I’ve only been talking to her for 10 days”. I then realize the girl that Adman had been talking to saw/heard us having sex. He asked me to quickly leave because he needed to “fix things with her” because she’s a great girl and “didnt deserve this”. I became enraged and had a panic attack at the same time. Maybe I felt like I was being abandoned, maybe I was just angry because I felt I was being lied to or maybe I felt him pick her over me. Regardless, we got into any argument. He told me he needed me to leave at that moment because he needed to get sleep for work that morning.

Broken inside, and not completely sure why, I left. Before I left, he asked me to call him if I was having a rough time. The week before I mentioned to him that I just wanted to die. Not completely sure if I was actually suicidal, but I indeed wanted to die because someone else decided to lie to me the previous week. This I know is a symptom of BPD because of the impulsivity and suicidal thoughts. And this is when my BPD symptoms came at a rush (let’s also remember that Feb was a tough month; Feb ‘19 I was raped by a fellow service member). I called him a couple hours after I got home. After he answered, all I heard in the background was “put it on speaker”. Once again, I became furious. I asked him why he lied about going to sleep and when to go see her instead. He said he didn’t leaver her room, so she waited till I was go. He asked me what was wrong and how he could help. And I told him why would I tell me you my most dark secrets right now in front someone I don’t even know. Again, we argued and I be made enraged. Because I knew I was on speak I said something to the fact of “yeah that wasn’t a problem for you a couple hours ago when you were in me and screwing the previous week too”. Of course her became enraged and said he’s done and hanged up.

Again my BPD symptoms were heightened and impulsivity took over. I got in my car and went over to Adam’s dorm. The girl open and started verbally attacking me telling me I needed to leave and to leave Adam alone. Of course we got into a verbal altercation that almost because physical because she then started to attack my core being; my mental health issues. She called me “crazy” that I was “insane” and needed to get professional “mental health help”. This broke me to my core. Why would Adam share my dark secrets with her? Why? Why did she feel to attack my mental health? I understand she was man, but it shouldn’t be towards me, it should be towards Adam. I didn’t know about you, you didn’t know about me. Why are you defending him and attacking me? 

Since the altercation, I have felt broken and completely dead. My BPD symptoms have been completely crazy lately and I don’t know how to deal with them right now. I feel so alone and broken. Everything hurts and I can literally feel my BPD taking over more and more each day. I don’t even know what to do with myself....