Hello all. I'm a non-BPD m(28) dating a f(21) BPD. We're a strong couple that have both seen trauma growing up. We try and guide each other through the things we understand about each other as seamlessly as possible. We've experimented with mushrooms and Molly for her depression (at least that was my intention) and they both have some very illuminating factors especially for a BPD. They get rid of the self destruction/depricating fog for a moment, but it's nice to see her able to catch her breathe amongst consistent thoughts of suicide or consistently thinking that if I don't give her every spare moment of time that we are going to fall apart.

So this is where I am in my current thinking. BPD does not exist without trauma. It seems specifically molestation or rape. Combining that with parents that were barely around or parents that created a volatile home growing up just ties it all together. So there is a deep seated feeling of never being good enough for anyone.

Is there an amount of mental navigation that alleviates symptoms? Is finding out inner truths a way to be at peace? Is being alone a way to find that peace? I'm at a loss because no matter how many steps we take forward its like we just take 2 steps back again after a blow up or after she's been in her head creating problems and decided that she wants to die or so on and so forth. It's turning into a formula.

Withhold the reason for being upset. Claiming nothing is wrong. Then having a blow up or detachment. Then becoming self aware and feeling shame from the entire event. It's like I'm watching a bomb go off every other day.

Is it prescription drugs? Therapy? Is it getting intimate with everything that's happened and properly processing it? I love the person I'm with for better or worse and I don't want to be the person that gives up. She deserves the best and when it comes down to it she's a wonderful fucking amazing person. If I could take all the people that hurt her and immediately incinerate them before they ever touched her in a funny way or took advantage of her I would but the damage is done and I hate seeing her so helpless to herself.

Can someone help me