Today was supposed to be the start of week three of rtms but when I arrived at the office the tech told me it would be the final session for the duration of the current crisis because they had been ordered to stop all non-essential services. We agreed it was pointless to even bother with it today since I will have to start over from the beginning when things return to normal.

Starting over is going to be difficult (and that's an understatement). I'm not experiencing pain and other than a bit of minor disorientation for an hour or so and minor headaches there aren't any side effects after the daily treatments but the treatment itself is so unpleasant I wouldn't do it for any other reason. I can't find anything online that mirrors what I'm experiencing. My entire head feels like it's going to pop off my neck, my eyes feel like they're being sucked into my brain by the optic nerve. I "feel" it inside of my brain, not on the surface but deep inside where it just isn't possible to feel anything.

I've watched youtube videos of people undergoing tms and they're just sitting there like nothing's happening. I moan, groan and occasionally shout. It isn't painful but it is almost indescribably unpleasant.

Now with that being noted one of the reasons I'm trying this is after a decade of almost every med in every combination not only do I not experience side effects I don't experience effects period with a few notable exceptions. Prozac and abilify in conjunction at max doses made me a zombie for a few years, I was unemotional, disengaged and remember almost nothing. Wellbutrin eliminated my appetite for two weeks, I ate nothing. Klonopin and ativan instantly calm me and even leave me with some social functionality. Adderall... good grief adderall, it's a recent prescription and the most accurate analogy I can provide is: I used to feel like I was underwater and drowning so I had no interest in anything whatsoever, now I feel like I'm a hundred yards from shore neck deep in water and no longer drowning but I have no idea how to get to shore and I actually WANT to get there. Every other medication and combination of medications could have been skittles.

Surely it's not just me?