It's sucks when you don't have access to healthcare. When you don't have time to focus on bettering yourself because all your energy is spent trying to make a living. My posts get down voted a lot in this sub. Almost all the time really. Whether it's here, at my job, with friends or with family I'm reminded that no one wants to hear this sad, toxic shit over and over and over and over. Especially when it seems like you're not doing anything to remedy these feelings. I am sorry. I'm sorry my words are not ones of encouragements or success. I'm sorry I'm not "on" all the time. I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to share. I'm sorry for not doing enough, for not trying hard enough. I'm sorry for whining and venting and constantly just talking about me, me, me, me. 

What the heck am I supposed to do though? 

I make "too much" to qualify for medicaid but not enough to pay out of pocket for services which is what I'd have to do even if I had insurance. Even with the cheapest insurance, I'd have to pay $100 a month and spend $4000+ toward doctors visits,prescriptions, etc. and then the insurance would cover 50% of medical expenses. I currently work 60+ hrs a week and with that I am finally able to pay my rents, bills, etc. and actually have enough money left over to chip down my credit card bill. If I invest in healthcare it's not guaranteed that I'd be able to find a provider who accepts my insurance (or could actually help) and then I'd go back to living check to check not being able to afford anything but the bare necessities. 

I just want to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone.  I need medication because I really feel like I'm losing it. I have both Bipolar 1 and BPD and since December it's just been nothing but severe, long winded episodes of my brain doing whatever the fuck it wants.

**For those in a similar situation-- working a lot/can't afford healthcare how are you managing symptoms? Have you found low cost treatment that's actually beneficial? Have you been able to get medication?** 

I've been recommended talk space and things of the like but it doesn't seem like the service is geared toward folks with a clinical diagnosis (as opposed to folks just struggling with a 'tangible' problem i.e grief, stress from work etc) I've contacted a couple of community clinics as well as some therapists who offer hardship fees but it seems like no one is accepting new patients or there is little to no availability for those who need help during the evenings/weekends. My coworkers quit so I can't adjust my hours or take a day off. The one therapist who was willing to take on my case and see me after hours had a hardship fee of $200 a session and she wanted to see my 2x a week lol. 

Idk, I'm a loss. Any recommendations or feedback would be greatly appreciated.