
Everyday I just feel that I should for once make my father proud and kill myself. I wish I had not escaped to my neighbours when he tried to kill me. I regret surviving that day so fucking badly. I feel awful without him abusing me. I can't punish myself enough for who I am, unlike him. I guess it sounds ridiculous that I miss this but I can't help it 

At the same time I hate myself for being like he was.
I even have similar illnesses and disorders like he had. People always told me that im similar to my father and every time I heard it I just wanted to cry. 

I'm just so tired and so done. I don't think I've even ever been happy. Since I was born I was abused, my mom said that even as a toddler I was already abused by my father. I wish I didn't live at all because I don't expirience anything good in life, and if I do I just fuck it up. 

 I hate myself horribly and I'm very guilty for even writing this here. I know this is random and I'm sorry but I just can't keep silent about it anymore