I used to s/h but I've been clean since January 06 2021, so over a year. And obviously the rights thoughts never go away but lately they have been really present. Not only that they are there but I want to, I know the side affects and aftermath is bad but I really want to. 
I also feel like it would validate my feelings, otherwise I feel like I look like someone who just used to have an issue but is fine now. But I want someone to understand the depth of feelings.