I'm a 22 year old guy. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and body dysmorphia. I lost all my friends because I became addicted to the computer in my teens and I was constantly having to keep my dad from killing himself with drugs and alcohol. My mom was out of the picture most of the time. I am socially inexperienced, even though I've had jobs for the past 5-6 years that require customer support experience. I guess it may be just antisocial personality because I tend to devalue people very quickly if they're not giving me special attention. I am also a narcissist and people have even told me I come across as such. I recently pushed a beautiful, extremely loyal girl away permanently that I am still beating myself up about. Even she called me toxic. I feel like I am unable to be loved. I get therapy but it hardly helps. I take medication but it just clouds up the problems I have and sedates me. I feel so emotionally turbulent when I'm not empty. I feel like the only way I'll find love is by lying and putting on a mask and faking. I am miserable. I am either going to die under a bridge, or kill myself. I have exhausted all my resources. I have no motivation to continue. I feel forsaken, even though I should be grateful for what I have. I just feel like I'm waiting to have everything handed to me, and if not, I blame everyone else for it. I had a horrible, unfair emotionally traumatizing upbringing and it has turned me into an extremely cynical bitter person. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I live with my mom and stepdad and I can no longer afford rent but thankfully they're giving me a break from it until I can get my first paycheck with my new job. I feel so toxic and disgusting. My face is slightly deformed so I'm always obsessing over my looks, because I'm also called handsome and young looking as well, despite the genuine deformity. I feel like I need constant validation to survive. As soon as I take a hint from someone that they might not feel the same amount of 'feeling' towards me as I do them, I completely devalue them and don't give two shits about them.