I had a very violent encounter with my mom and I behave like a textbook borderline. I always indefied as a quiet bpd but today I went completely out if control.

This is not the first time we fight and I become kind of psysical violent but this the most serious incident we ever had. She started fighting back and I stated to feel such a big rage but also so betrayed that I trembled and my heart went out of control and I fell on the floor like I had hurt attack. After a while i got up and started threaten her that I'm gonna kill her or myself, she locked in her room and I went to the balcony and acted out like I was really ready to kill myself. I attacked her again and to make her feel even more guilty i smashed some if my favorite things in my room because she called me ungrateful. I ended up crying like a little girl for my things and she did the same and I guilt tripped her again before I went to my room.

She may caused me all the trauma I have to deal right now and she may be responsible for my mental health conflicts but my behavior was awful really. I felt like a manipulative monster who also craves for love and affection. I wish my mom could show me these things. She used to be different, we were very close but now I realize the damage she did to me. She may also struggle with bpd in my opinion or something else but she would never admitted.

I don't want to be misunderstood I don't indicate that bpd has to do with being violent I just felt a variety of emotions our of my control and I acted out because of my desperation. I wonder why therapists never spoke to me about bpd even as a concept when clearly I have many of the traits and I don't speak only for this situation. I spent all morning afraid that she gonna abandon me and that I must find a way to make her pity me to keep her close. My ocd diagnosis can't explain my behavior, neither my anger issues. I feel deep insecure inside and extremely unstable mentally. I wish I could find a therapist who will understand me.