I am in an amazing relationship. I lucked out and found a partner that wants to work with me and wants to support me while I heal. He knows how hard it is for me, and even when he is frustrated with my anger issues, or senses my splitting episodes, he's never upset with me. I am so grateful. However, he is in the national guard, I resent it so much. I have learned a lot about what feelings my anger really stem from, and I know that I am not angry at him for having a passion for his job, but everytime he gets called away I feel abandoned. No matter how hard I try, I can't shake the feeling of doom that creeps closer and closer as the time for him to leave without me approaches. Being alone is one of the most miserable things I have to deal with, the feeling of complete emptiness and the inability to enjoy my own company, no matter how hard I try. Of course, I can deal with this while I am at my job, or when he's gone for work during the daytime, but when he's gone for several days, I cannot be content. I cannot stop being upset. 

In the past, when he was gone on a 9 month deployment, or even a 1 month training, I was absolutely at my worst. In a complete and utter spiral of horrible mental health and horrible mindset. No matter what I do, I can't prepare myself for it. I can't shake the feelings, and just knowing that I'm basically going to sit at home and stare into space for the duration of him being away, just makes me miserable in its self. I end up realizing just how isolated I am from everyone and everything, I have no friends to text or hang out with, no car anymore (because of poor decisions I made), and overall I am just alone. The only other person that I consistently contact is my mother, but I have to be wary that I don't let my feelings of loneliness and abandonment cause me to tear down all of the boundaries I have with her. The worst feeling of them all is knowing that really no one knows how destitute I am when I am alone. It's like everything just shuts off for me, and I just stare at my phone in a endless shame scroll for hours on end, because tv doesn't interest me, chores don't interest me, school doesn't interest me, nothing interest me without him with me and no matter how sad that is, it's true.