Ever since I was a child, I’ve had this goal of disappearing. 

I wanted to be forgotten by everyone around me, friends and family alike, and to move somewhere where I knew no one and no one knew me. 
To start fresh, to start brand new, and leave my past behind. 
I always dreamt of this because I knew if I wanted to move on from my trauma, I needed to get away from the place that dealt it. I will never relieve myself of a burn if I stay in a house on fire, type of thing. 

Last Friday, I requested a legal name change from my state’s social security office. On Monday I will move forward with the process and go to my dmv to change everything officially. I have told no one of this but my brothers. Only three people in the world know my new name. I am planning to either drop out of college and reapply to another one in a new state or transfer out. If I can’t transfer out I will drop out and do the entire process all over again. I am willing to do all of this for the sake of my ultimate goal. Because I cannot go on another day pretending I am okay, and that I am happy where I am. 

I never knew how seriously to take myself; if something was a manic, fleeting desire, or passions more deeply rooted within me. BPD people know what I’m talking about. But this has been eating away at me for a decade now, and I always found an excuse (usually an attachment; a person) to prevent me from disappearing. But I don’t have this anymore. I am completely alone, and thus, untethered to the world around me. I can be whoever I want. I can live whatever life I choose. And though I am incredibly sad, because I know I won’t see a lot of people ever again, and it’ll be hard being on my own, I am the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time.