It's literally pathetic. I'm friends with loads of guys I find hot on Facebook and I know it means nothing. I don't go trawling through their Facebook pictures fantasizing about them or wish I was with them instead. Hell, maybe some of them I've even slept with before but still now that I'm with my boyfriend of a year, I love and adore him and want no one but him. 

However, I know his type is like emo girls with colourful hair. He's been with plenty of girls who don't match that type either, but for some reason certain girls just really trigger me because I'm so unhappy in myself. I'm so insecure and jealous and wish I looked like them that all I do is compare. To anyone actually, but mostly to these girls. I think mostly because I have that style but since lockdown I've had boring brown hair and I've gained weight and stuff, and I've never really been confident in myself anyway. 

Anyway, I was looking at a friend's Facebook and saw a girl had commented on it. Her pic looked intriguing so I clicked on it and she's this really pretty emo girl with blue hair and wearing fishnet tights (which he loves so I instantly thought 'he would probably fancy her'). I scrolled down to her friends list and lo and behold he's a mutual friend with her. None of his friendship group seems to know her as well and none of them are mutual friends, so my first assumption is 'obviously they met at *insert obscure emo club we all go to* and he either fancied her so added her or he's already fucked her and that's how they know eachother'. In my head, I can't rationalise it as being any other option. I can't see it as they were just friends or just acquaintances or whatever. Like I know I can have hot people on my FB and I'd just think 'yeah he's hot' and if I really think about it and someone said 'if you were single would you fuck him?' I'd probably say yes to most of the people I think are attractive. I just can't seem to understand that it's probably the same for him. In my mind with him it must be 'i want to fuck her but I can't for XYZ reason so Ill stick with *madeathrowaway21*' or 'oh yeah she was a good fuck' and then I get jealous cause she's prettier than me and he fucked her, or because she's prettier than me and he wants to...

I can't speak to him about it because I've done this in past relationships and always pushed them away. I really want to go the distance with this one. Like we're not even teenagers, I'm 27 and he's 28 and I just want to be secure and happy and I can't. I really don't know how to stop and just relax and be happy. 

It's genuinely killing me. Because I'm now sat here fighting the urge to self harm and suicidal ideation because I'm sat comparing myself to this girl I don't even know and that my bf probably doesn't even care about.