hi. i don't know if i'm looking for any advice. maybe just for people who experience the same thing.

anyways, i've moved in october to the city of my dreams (i have the most friends in here, i love the place itself, my flat is wonderful etc) and after working a few months and saving up money i quit at the end of march. as i was working in a corporate office and it was winter &amp; more gloomy i thought that maybe my suicidal thoughts (that i've been experiencing since i'm 15; i'm 22 this year) were occuring because of the routine, the fact that i had a job that was meaningless etc. but honestly, since march, and especially starting from april, i've only had happy moments in my life. it looks as if my past 2 months were a highlight reel, all the time. everything is wonderful, really.

that's why i cannot understand why the suicidal thoughts are with me on daily basis now, once again. i get them during the most neutral activities, like cleaning. i get them while watching something. i get them when i'm walking outside and the weather's nice and there is nothing wrong. the only times (not always, though - but i'd say 90% of the time) i don't get them is when i am meeting up with my friends (but it still makes me feel guilty because at the end of the day i get this feeling as if i wasted another day by not studying more, exercising more, doing more for my "future self" etc.)

i do have goals/plans for the future so this is not a matter of the lack of the motivation. it's just that i'm so terribly tired. i don't feel joy for anything now, even though i am objectively at the best moment in my life. since i feel like this now, i'm once again starting to think that nothing's going to get better. 

please note that i do not want to attend therapy as i want to end my life in a few years anyways and i don't really want anything to distract me from it to this point. i want to be distracted moderately enough for just these next years. right now i just feel that i would like to speed up my date of death.

thank you so much for reading.