All is well...

Until it isn’t. Until you did that horrible thing. The way you smiled, that hint of fake-ness. The way you so obviously like that person more than me. The way you asked if I was “okay.” What, are you trying to suggest I’m not okay? 

Fuck you for doing that. Fuck you for caring too much, it’s smothering. Fuck you for not caring enough, it feels abandoning. 

I hate myself. I don’t feel good enough, valuable enough, but it must be your fault. *You* make me hate myself. Therefore, you are to be hated. It’s not me, it’s you. And since I don’t feel like I can do anything right, you can’t do anything right either. Anything you do must be wrong. And I’ll burn it all to the ground.

And then...

How could I have thought that about you? You are amazing. You’re the one who will save me, who will give me a real personhood. Look at me, how pathetic I am. You’re everything I love. *You* make me love myself. To truly be me, I need you. 

I want you to smother me, suffocate me, to care if I’m okay at every and any moment. I know you’ll never leave, and I know you’ll never be too much.

Anything you do wrong, it’s not you. It’s me. I just don’t understand you—the depths of you, your true and pure intentions. And if you like someone more than you like me, it’s okay. I’ll become whatever you need, so that you’ll eventually see I’m the only one for you. Any sort of fake-ness in that smile you flash at me, I’ll fix. When it comes to us, I can fix anything. 

All is well...