!!!!!

CW: suicidal/intrusive thoughts, thoughts of harming others

!!!!!

Everything feels so muted at the moment.

If I'm not actively spending time with someone and getting emotional input from them, it's like some kind of fog comes down over everything and just makes it empty. All life is is just thoughts of harm, whether that's to me or to other people.

It feels like it would be so much easier to just let go and stop having to try so hard for people I can't believe love me. When I'm not feeling suicidal because of that, and feeling too ashamed to get help, I'm being presented with violent intrusive thoughts of leaving my house and hurting someone like I'm hurting. It feels like if I actually did snap and seriously harm somebody, someone would finally take me seriously and give me some kind of closure, whether it's therapy and help or it's death.

I feel like everything would be fine if I could press pause on the world for a few months, get referred to a psych ward, and just have the space to absolutely break down and finally get help to claw back from the emotional edge I'm hanging off. But I can't do that, and I can barely even think about what the reactions of the people around me would be without feeling like suicide would be simpler, easier, and would just tldr hurt me less.

Does anyone ever grapple with this feeling of absolute non-impact? Like you don't matter, don't have any impact as you drift through the world? I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to keep oscillating between ecstasy and violence without snapping, and any advice from any of you on this sub would be so appreciated. Thanks for reading, if you got down here, and I hope your day is going better than mine.