I personally find it healthy to voice this here because it might help me to understand more of myself. I'm very insecure about my ability to socialize, in particular I'm concerned that I'm not funny. Logically I know I have a really good sense for social nuance and I mess up because I try so hard to be perfect, but I don't feel it. It's really depressing, and I get jealous of other people in this regard - even if I'd been having a really good time I can't handle the rare occasion where I don't get any response at all. The worst part about the jealousy is that it holds me back from trying to improve myself or work effectively in this regard, and it's impossible to run off of hateful, bitter energy like I've so desperately tried. I can pinpoint an exact reason I put so much stock into this, and it's because it's pretty much the only thing I really enjoy doing - barring video games since that's not stable - and since childhood I've looked for validation this way. I think something that contributes heavily to my borderline was the sense I got/paranoia that people weren't laughing with me, but at me, and certain people avoiding me didn't help. I can't accept any kind of positivity towards me now. It'll take a lot of therapy to fix this issue since it came from early childhood. I sincerely hope nobody else has to go through this.