I'm a college student and I've been struggling significantly more in the past 8 months than I have since I started. Last semester, I withdrew from a class for the very first time and failed my very first class (calc). I told myself "it'll be better." Surprise: it wasn't. Now this semester, I most likely going to fail the very same class I withdrew from and I'm going to fail calc again!

I'm reaching out to my advisor, I'm making up plans so I don't feel as lost, I'm working with my therapist, I'm getting blood work to rule out anything physical that might be worsening my symptoms, but I cannot get past the embarrassment and shame. It doesn't matter to my mind that students have to retake classes all of the time. It doesn't matter that there are options for me to try again and wipe this semester clean so I can have the GPA I had before. The mere fact that I have to take a class a third time is so mortifying. I *know* I could do the work, and that's the worst part. In the prerequisite class, I got an A! So I *can* do this.  I just hate the idea that my professor sees me as an idiot who just isn't trying and just can't get it and is stubbornly slamming my head against the wall, hoping it'll stick. I know it's not a big deal in the way I'm making it, but every other part of me doesn't know that.

I just feel so helpless. The only words for what I feel are embarrassed and ashamed. I try to reassure myself that it's not going to matter but I just don't know *why* it's all of a sudden worse than it's ever been and *why* it has to be now and *why* I can't just be the good student I was before even when I was still struggling. The shame beast that comes with depression is agonizing