I did a bad yesterday. I got all suicidal and tried to harm myself for the first time because my partner wanted to leave me. I did it for attention.

They’ve wanted to leave me because they asked a big favor from me which I wouldn’t subscribe to.

Doing so would mean a huge sacrifice of my life, finances, dreams, personal space and future for someone I don’t even love from a partner who constantly invalidates me and my needs.

I care about said person they’re asking a favor for, but not enough to throw my entire future away for them.

I’m really pathetic. I logically know that it would be easier if I just let my partner leave or I leave them. I can see the entire scenario and it reeks of bullshit.

My partner will not protect me. In fact he is the one right now who is stringing me up as a sacrifice.

I realize now that even though I have BPD, my partner definitely is a huge contributor to the exacerbation of my condition.

My BPD demon of needing to be chosen, needing to be validated and needing to be put first reared it’s ugly head and I behaved in a very inappropriate manner.

I’m ashamed and regretful. I see now that I should just let go with grace. I need to accept that this person isn’t good for me and that they are asking too much of me.

I need to accept that it’s over. They made their choice.

It’s going to hurt like hell knowing that you are the one who was discarded in the end because you were no longer a person they could use.

I’m going to cry every single day for a long time. At least a year if not longer. Getting over 12 years is going to take a long time.

I’ll likely be heartbroken when he finds someone new. Jealous. Bitter.

But at the same time, I’ll feel free to just be myself and that I escaped a nest of snakes.