I don't even know where to begin. I guess I am trying to find some help by some different perspectives.

I am 30 years old and probably have been depressed for 8 years. 

And I am not talking about the "depression" that most people always talk about. Like, feeling a little sad or whatever.

I am full on hopeless. Complete apathy and anhedonia. No motivation for anything. I do not care about anything. Nothing interests me. 

I clean my apartment once a year, only shower when I leave my apartment (which is like every 1-2 weeks or so). Dishes stack up, dust everywhere. Bed sheets last months. I don't care about being comfortable.

I have no social life. I am completely isolated since mid 2017 (that's when I lost my job). 

No colleagues, no acquaintances, no friends. The only people I ever talk to, are my parents...once a month or so, despite me living just a couple minutes away.

Everything is boring me. I can't concentrate on anything. Sometimes I can't fall asleep, sometimes I sleep 16 hours.

Living on unemployment benefits for 4 years now. No one will hire me because I can't fake interest or motivation. I can't smile or seem like an open person. I am weird and creepy to others.

Always been like that. My parents told me I never cried as a baby. Always followed orders, never put on a tantrum. They said I almost never laughed and couldn't show happiness or gratitude, not even at Christmas or birthdays. Kids in school always said that I can't smile and never showed any kind of emotion.

I am different...broken.

People say it's good if someone doesn't care what others think of you. Maybe that's true to some extent but the extreme disregard to social norms and validation that I exhibit is certainly a hindrance to a functioning life in society.

I am not shy. I have no anxiety. I am just some kind of alien or an android who can't emote nothing.

I don't really like people, they annoy me. But I still feel lonely, I guess. Not as much lonely, as in jealous when seeing other people with a group of friends or family, having a good time and laughing. 

&amp;#x200B;

Yet still, I don't even bother with social media. When I watch youtube videos, I skip over the parts when people would talk. Somehow I don't want to be lonely and share an emotional bond with someone, and on the other hand, I push everyone away because I find them fake, vapid, boring and dumb.

I never have anything to say.

I think everything is shitty and sucks. All entertainment products, for me, feel the same. Generic, repetitive, boring, meaningless and unsatisfying.

Everything is so mundane and tiring. 

Exercise doesn't help my depression either. It helps not feeling physically unwell but it doesn't do anything for my mental state.

The only way for me to feel something is drugs, food and extremely dangerous stuff that puts out lots of neurotransmitters like falling (skydiving, rollercoaster etc.), height related stuff (climbing for example) and the sensation of speed.

Those cost lots of money and are not a good solution to this problem.

The only thing keeping me from killing myself are my parents and my disbelief that there can be such a severe mental disorder that just can't be fixed. There has to be something. I don't believe in fatalism, but I do believe in science.

I know I have no free will and no control over my brain or about how my body distributes hormones and neurotransmitters.

Bu there has to be some external solution to fix my brain. There has to be some revolutionary pill. They are finding cures for almost everything else. 

I can't just fix it myself. My self, or personality, is just a chemical reaction to create this solution in order to maximize chance of reproduction.

I don't control anything. Just like breathing or the heartbeat. I am just an observer, a passenger.

&amp;#x200B;

Where do you go from here? When working out, good diet and SSRI's haven't helped? Testosterone levels are normal.