shit's getting daunting again. im nearing the end of my senior year and feeling pretty lost. i've been trying to get comfortable with myself and living in solitude since a shaky falling out with someone i really cared about. it's been a couple months since then, and i've been doing way better and figuring some things out, but i still feel so lost. i've wasted so much of my youth cooped up indoors. i've been going out more recently, but it still doesnt make up for all the lost time. i've got no friends either, so no one to really make any memories with. i basically just live vicariously through various stories... most of which seem to be coming of age lol. 

i find myself longing for experiences i feel like i'll never have. nostalgia for memories i've never made. im well aware that i've plenty of time to make such memories, but i really dont think i will. that aforementioned falling out really fucked with me cuz i trusted that person so much, and they completely let me down. but i know i let them down too. im just at a point where i cant bear any type of intimacy. im not sure if that's the correct term since im talking about platonic relationships as well, but i digress. i dont really know how to go about making friends, but with the number of times i've been hurt or let down by people i cared about has really fucked with me and im not sure if i even want to make any friends. even if they didnt betray me or hurt me, either i'd hurt them or myself. every time i get too involved with someone socially, somebody always gets hurt. and i know, that's just life, but it makes it even harder to decide what i want. do i open myself to vulnerability in return for the warmth of friendship or shut everyone out and live for myself?

admittedly, having actually typed that out, the former sounds favorable. im still pretty lost about it though. some shit always happens, and if it's not a relationship issue, it's me going into a shitty place and feeling overburdened by socializing. i've had a few lows these past few weeks, but nothing like how i felt late last year... im honestly kinda fucking scared of getting to that point again. i've just tried ignoring it all this time, but it feels like an inevitably at this point. im not really sure where im going with this. or if this is the right place to say this. i dont want to sound too whiny or something, im well aware a lot of people have shit worse than me. someone used to tell me that all of our struggles are still struggles all the same, but i cant apply that to myself for some reason. just needed to get some shit off my mind. chet baker always does this shit to me... i need a drink