Tw: ED, suicidal thoughts
I've been refusing medication for years (several fears/reasons) I've tried a few except it never lasted.
But I after years I understood that maybe trying again could b worth it. For a while now I've been severely depressed and it's getting worst, I can't do anything AT ALL except think about death. I can't move, eat, drink or even go piss. Like I could think of the most ideal life and I don't even want it. But, I had nothing to lose so I talked to my doctor, telling her that I was finally ready after these years to rlly force myself and try meds again (I was so fkn proud of myself) but that I would like to try those with the least/no chances of affecting the appetite first, as i had severe anorexia before and i worked EXTREMELY hard to recover and i don't want to risk any relapses rn. I am now 100% aware that EDs are irrational, but i know I am not ready yet for the possible weight gain in certain medications.

She told me that because of my bpd diagnosis ONLY the few mood stabilizers/antipsychotics I've tried before (which are the ones I'm most afraid of) would be effective and that she won't prescribe me smth else. I had to explain for 30 min that I really needed help rn, that anwa this time it's not even for mood swings/impulsiv./dissociation/etc and that it was already really hard for me to do this. She almost ignored me and kept refusing strictly, because anti depressants are "not for bpd". I didn't even came for my bpd?? And how can she let someone slowly kill themselves for something so dumb??? What would she have lost by letting me try? Maybe it wouldn't have worked, but that's the point of trying?? And the worst is that I was always put under sm pressure by doctors/psychiatrists to take meds. It took me sm effort to come and make up my mind after all this time and I'm being told this at one of my lowest points?? I feel like it's all my fault that I just had to take what she offered, but half of me knows for a fact that after what I've been through the fears rn are normal/valid and that I am entitled to try what I feel most comfortable to take. I've even made it clear that I'm open to try those I'm afraid of but only when I'm going to be less at risk of a relapse.

Anyway, another shitty day ig.