Hi guys. I've been depressed since I was a little kid. Maybe 5.

It has progressively gotten worse than I knew was possible. 

I'm getting therapy and have a psychiatrist...but it isn't helping. 


Here's what I need help with: please tell me other people here have experienced severe time loss? I always saw people saying that time flies when you're having fun, but this isn't my experience. Every time I was out pretending to have fun and trying to do positive things, those felt like the longest days, months, and years. 


But I realized recently I lost some years....badly. I DO NOT remember being 18-19. I'm 21. I only have a few memories from under those ages as well, but yeah. My mother tells me I slept A LOT when I was around 18-19, because I was super depressed and being abused by my dad, so I just slept. All the time. I'd usually get up at 7-8 pm, come down, eat, watch something, and go back up for a few hours into the morning and pass back out.

It's reasonable to think this caused the time loss, right? Because every day was the same and I have no actual...landmark? Memories? Idk a word....but I didn't have anything to cling on to for reference. I know sleeping makes time go by, but this seems like a lot.


I'm terrified. I have a huge aversion to sleeping now and dread it, or sitting around. I fear that I'll blink somehow and be old and dying. I feel like I'm already old and running out of time. I'm stuck living in the future. As I mentioned, I'm 21. But I sit around all day reading about how people cope with becoming old or something along those lines, 24/7. I have to do it several. Times a day..which obviously makes it worse. I have borderline OCD, schizo-bipolar, and some other stuff. This is mostly why I act this way, so please don't be too harsh.

I have 9 years left to being in my 20s, but I somehow made it feel like 3 years, and that I'll be 50 soon. Like, it feels a few years away. 


I have no joy anymore. I've always been depressed but I'm hopeless. I don't want to die, so don't worry..this is actually a huge issue of mine...obsessive fear of death. Life feels meaningless now. Every time I try to do something fun I remind myself I'll be old and dead soon. Which is obviously a waste and I'll regret it in the future...but I cannot control it whatsoever. 

I'm so afraid. I don't want to run out of time. I have no way to make friends. I can't work or go to school because I'm disabled, and barely anyone my age lives here..I'd be fine befriending someone in their early 30s too, but not even that age group is around..just older people. This is hurting me as well. I fear getting old and dying and never having friends.


Idk..sorry for the ungodly amount of text. I'm so depressed it's making my hypertension worse. I just don't know what to do and was hoping someone understands and relates, or could help.


Please reassure me, maybe. I truly feel old at 21 and terrified.