The title is the best way I can think of to describe what happens in my brain. My depression feels like an anti-happiness; it doesn't take the form of total self-hatred or the active desire to end my life. 

Rather, I feel like I would be less of a burden if I weren't here -- like the lives of the people I love would be better without me. They wouldn't have to deal with my foibles or mistakes; they wouldn't have to deal with how bad I am at keeping house, or sigh as they see another "I need help" post on social media. (I feel obliged to say that those are not *financial* help posts; I have a job, and it pays well, but even there I feel like someone more deserving should be doing the work and getting the money.) This is even true of my enbyfriend, whom I feel would be happier if I weren't around -- I feel like a distraction from the people they *really* want to talk to, even if they don't feel like that's the case.

I don't know what to do. My old primary care provider never got around to referring me to a counselor or psychologist/psychiatrist before she left the state, so my antidepressants and ADHD medications have stopped (since I can't get refills), and I haven't been able to get my new PCP to see me yet so I can get a referral or a prescription. In the meantime, I'm dying of kidney failure and, if everything goes perfectly and I don't get a transplant (which is *far* more difficult than the PSAs make it sound), I have about eight years left, so it seems useless to even try; I'll be 43 this year and dead by the time I'm 51, if I'm lucky.

Are there any resources I can go to to bolster my will to not just "leave the world a better place", as my subconscious keeps insisting? What can I do to convince myself to keep going?