I don't care anymore, so I'm using my main account. I'm just tired. I don't have any friends IRL or family except one parent who's old and will probably die, leaving me unable to finance myself. I've been working on getting better but unfortunately, the way I feel is that the system in my country simply dislikes me and so prevents me from the help I need to get better - yes, you can think I'm saying this because of my condition. I don't mind. My condition(s) has been blamed for thousands of things I said that I think that people were uncomfortable with. I've been at home over 95% of the time for the last 4 years, because I have severe anxiety that I've been trying to treat. But I didn't have depression. It disappeared 4 years ago after a major event in my life, leaving me with the will to better my life. And fudge, did I try - but I was constantly out of resources in my opinion - it's very hard to study programming with ADHD but without treatment for it, it's very hard to get through the tough times while being denied a therapist and not being able to afford a private one. I'm not saying I'm an innocent sheep, but I'm not a monster either - Ah, fudge it. It's always who-did-what.

&amp;#x200B;

I won't be trying to defend myself. I'm just lonely, okay? I've seen people in my condition or worse get better and go on to lead happy, fulfilling lives. I personally knew hundreds if not thousands of distinct individuals with problems of varying severity. A lot of them are now happy and live a rewarding life - But not me. I'm at a stage where I'm at a permanent disadvantage career wise, and likely facing a grim future of working minimum wage or not working at all. 

&amp;#x200B;

But the worst thing is the loneliness. I never actually had people in my life that gave me or got back from me, fun or comfort. It was always attempting, getting close, alienating. It's like being that fudging donkey from history where you spin round to get the carrot dangling in front of you but the carrot always runs away so you go round and round to eat the juicy vegetable, but you're never going to get it, because you're actually a flour grinder unbeknownst to you. As I told someone at some point, I feel that some people are premium people, and they actually matter, and they have the luxury of getting hugs and kisses when they're sad. Me? I'm restricted to tranquilizers. Sedatives. Distinctly dystopian-feeling that the only way that I'm allowed to feel better is a fudging pill. What did I do to not be able to feel the comfort of affection? Did I hurt people? If so, I'm sorry. Please kick me in the nuts. I'm sorry, but please, don't leave me alone. It's worse than death. I'm not saying I need a partner to be happy or any of those old clichés. I'm saying that sitting here and playing video games for years not able to truly live is killing me. I hate video games. I would trade this very computer for an evening with affection from someone, because being alone is killing me - even the docs said that, but it's just... I didn't have depression at last, and now it's coming back. And they're not helping. And I'm sitting in bed again, wanting for someone to play with my hair, and it's all very nostalgic and suffocating and I just hate my effeminate yet too masculine self for not being good enough for those people so that they want my depression to come back. And it's just sitting here thinking about all the chances I missed and having to live with that for the rest of my life.

&amp;#x200B;

Please, if you know someone who's struggling with bouts of an enhanced feeling of loneliness, give them a hug from me. Tell them it's going to be fine. Make them feel like they exist.

&amp;#x200B;

I'm sorry to all the people I ever hurt, on purpose or not. It was likely my fault anyway. It mostly is. And I'm sorry to the people who had to read this and not being interesting enough to read.

&amp;#x200B;

Everything's just overwhelming. I wanted to modify the post and make it interesting, but it's just going to stay this way. Thank you for everything. You're probably amazing people.