Yesterday I had one of the worst episodes / outbursts / whatever you want to say I've ever had. I was driving with my girlfriend, and she said something that upset me. I started screaming and driving crazy, and almost intentionally ran the car into a guard rail. This is too much.

She says she doesn't understand why I can't control it. She says she understands that I have BPD, but the BPD doesn't control everything.

Sometimes I feel like it does, though. I know it's my responsibility to control myself, and to use coping skills and strategies to prevent myself from crossing that line. But I feel like this thing has ahold of me so hard and I just snap and do horrible, abuse, reckless, terrifying things. Sometimes I feel like a passenger in my own body, even though I know that I'm the abuser. I'm the same as the people I judge and say are bad people.

At this point I don't feel worthy of love. At this point I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. At this point, I don't see any option but to just completely pull back from any kind of interpersonal relationship until I can learn to suppress these outbursts much more frequently, or at least reign in the severity.

Therapy, medication, worksheets, workbooks, meditation, journaling, writing songs... I'm doing all I know to do, and I know I'm making progress, but what's the point of any of it if this is still the result?