I don't know what to do. I just finished a book on adult attachment theory and I know I have the "anxious" attachment style (although some characteristics of the "avoidant" type as well. Jeeze). And he has a "secure" attachment type. 

He's been super busy with work and trying to bring together a pretty much failing business which he was "promoted" to managing. He's always been kind of flaky, but even more so with this new job. He works long hours and our schedules are completely opposite, so usually he is the one making the sacrifices to come over after he finishes work and spends the night with me and wakes up early to go back to work.

Then he told me he wasn't sure if he'd be able to go on this east coast hiking trip he and his buddies had planned for months (and that they go on every year). I was split; on one hand, I wanted him to go because I knew it would make him happy and he was looking forward to it. On the other hand, I was secretly hoping he wouldn't be able to go so we could have more time to spend together. Fuck. I feel like a selfish, needy bitch.

Anyways, he had mentioned wanting to hang out last night once I finished work, but I didn't hear from him, so I wrote it off. Then I texted him some stuff today when we were both working and didn't hear from him. I figured he was busy but I was starting to doubt myself and our relationship.

He called me right before 10pm and was heading home from work. He said he felt like an asshole for not texting me back and he wants things to change with work and spend more time with me because he wants me "to feel loved." He mentioned that I could come over after my workout tomorrow night (and after he gets home at 9:30) but he will be packing up his gear for this trip.

I said I'd let him know. 

He is such a good guy and I know he's doing his best and I know it's not my fault either, but I still feel like maybe if I were *different*, things would be easier for us. I feel like a needy, moody bitch. And I really *really* hate myself sometimes.

Whenever something like this happens, I get really quiet and withdrawn and I take out my anger on myself, because I feel like I'm the one to blame for everything.

Fuck.

/rant.

Thanks for listening.