I have no idea how to use reddit so I don't know if theres going to be format issues or if anyone will even care to read this but I am quite literally at the end of my rope and need help or someone to hear me at the very least.   
I have been suffering from social anxiety for a long time although its not officially diagnosed as I can't afford therapy, I have no desire to leave my house, nor can I afford a shrink unless its a crisis moment with them trying to convince me to exist in the world and lately I can't convince myself to even go and submit myself as thats not financially possible for me nor is it going to relieve any of the fear I have of going outside in the first place because I have to GET there and then BE there, I've had a lot of run ins with the hospital and mental health workers in my youth and I just wanted to go home and curl into a ball to die so I would do their cycle of "Yeah I'm fine I want to go home I'm not a danger to myself I just wanna die but I won't lmao" then go home and not come back till it was a full blown crisis again.   


I have never been diagnosed but my mother has it so badly she bawls on the bus and can't do it so I think it might be genetic if thats at all possible? I did go to the hospital and stated I feared going outside and think I might be becoming agoraphobic, sadly it was brushed off so I went home and I steadily declined over the next few years because if a crisis professional didn't care then why should I? I tried ignoring it for a super long time but its gotten so bad I would much rather starve than go into a store to buy food, I literally cry from it and hate that I can't just do it its right there why can't I get up, I know I NEED to but I physically can't.   


I am now 23 and so anxious its been effecting my work for a few years now much to my disdain, I get jobs really easily because I am sociable in private rooms were interviews are regularly then things are good for a week but then the anxiety sweeps me right off my feet and I fall into the habit of calling in or not at all/just skipping and getting extreme stomach pain to the point I don't care if I lose jobs, my house, my way to exist because I simply do not desire to exist and be seen in the world.   


I've gotten to the point of centering my personal career of choice towards digital art to ensure I don't have to go outside when I know I really wish to be a wildlife monitor but I can't deal with the idea of seeing people or vice versa. I don't know what to do anymore, I know I'm going to lose the job I have now and I can't find the will to keep doing this vicious cycle. What do I do anymore?  
I feel like I should have lived up to so much more potential.. my life is falling through my fingers and I can't see a way out anymore. 

Any advice would be much appreciated, if you read this far I thank you for hearing me even if you don't reply. Don't make the mistakes I did by not persisting for help.