Hey everyone, it's been a long time since I've posted here, but I could really use some advice or understanding. 



I show my love in a "treat others how you'd like to be treated" sort of way, so I'm big on celebrating my friends birthday milestones. I have a close friend (1 of 3, which is amazing for me) turning 22 today, so I threw her a sort-of-surprise party. She doesnt know the theme, just the time and place.

She is a *huge* Harry Potter fan, so it's all kind of corny and HP themed. You walk through Platform 9 3/4 (a painted split sheet) into a room full of house banners (Printed and cut, with streamers) and drink themed alcohol filled punch from cups with HP jokes on them, and I even baked her a Butterbeer flavored cake.

It's just 6-7 of us, but I felt she deserved it. Nobody acknowledges my birthday and mock me for throwing parties, but I just LOVE birthdays! 

However, now I'm 2.5 hours away from the party. I have set up to do, I have an outfit to pick, and I've been on the verge of tears all day. I tried talking to my SO about it, but he just didn't get why I'm so stressed. I cried- it was bad. 

I feel like this was all stupid, that my effort will be mocked and she'll think everything is childish. I know it's my "BPD monster" being a jerk, but I'm at work near hyperventilating between customers because I *"just know"* that everyone will sit there thinking I'm immature with too much free time. That she'll think her hand made custom Hogwarts acceptance letter and wand are stupid and childish, and then everyone will secretly mock how I'm the young one with no socail skills.

I just can't get the mean voices to stop, and I'm positively sick with stress over it. The worst is when my BPD monster tries to vilainize my friends right before I give them a gift or do them a favor.

Anyone ever been in my shoes or similar? Goodness knows anyone in my life I've tried talking to about it can't seem to understand, or write it off as silly anxiety.