I feel like this might need another trigger warning or several, but I'm not entirely sure which one/s, so I'll put a sort of general TW and a warning that I'll talk/rant about hallucinations and some of the paranoia I'm experiencing.

I feel like I'm going insane, sort of like I'm not quite a puppet, but I am? Maybe like a wooden puppet that was left to be torn apart by the weather for a prolonged period of time. The outside of it might look mostly fine, but if you bump it just a little bit too hard it'll split, and it's rotting insides will spill. 

And if you were to vocalise the thoughts, it would be a constant war between only one person. But then maybe there's multiple, or maybe there's none. And nobody can tell, even if they took the time to listen, and the voice, maybe several voices, can't tell either.

I've never been a very social person, but I've always at least been able to exist in spaces with other people, but I'm losing my ability to do that. Any stranger that I see is suddenly out to get me, a threat, even if it know it's irrational. It's like intrusive thoughts, but this isn't what intrusive thoughts feel like, it's different and it's scary. A lot of things are scary, of course, but I think this might be near or even at the top of my list. And the distrust, the paranoia is even there, to some extent, with people that I know, and people that I trust. It feels like I can't tell anyone because then everyone will know and something bad will happen. 

I know that I have Anxiety, I've been diagnosed since year 3/ about maybe 8/9 years old, but this isn't anxiety. Or at least not just anxiety. My anxiety, along with pretty much every other symptom I have, has been getting worse, and I know this. It's a given considering the steady and long since begun decline of my mental and physical health. 

I've been questioning my sanity for I think maybe a month at least (I've never been good with time) but I'm starting to really worry. I have chronic fatigue, and it's of course been getting worse, which sucks. I used to be able to get through a day just fine on 1-7 hours of sleep (heavily depending on if I'd had to toss and turn for several hours or only 30 minutes to an hour), and now 8 hours isn't enough. 10 isn't, 12 isn't, it has to be somewhere around 15 hours of sleep at the least. I know that the 1-7 hour sleep wasn't healthy, and I know the 15 or more hours sleep isn't healthy, but I can't do much. I can't fall asleep before 11pm, no matter what I do, I've tried, believe me i've tried, and I have to wake up at 6am or there's a snowflake's chance in hell I'll make it to school on time, or even to school at all, depending on if I end up sleeping through most of or all of the school day.

(TW for semi-brief descriptions of hallucinations for the paragraph after this note/tw, just in case anyone needs it)

I've recently discovered that if I don't get the ridiculous amount of sleep, that along with the fatigue, I'll also have to deal with hallucinations. Nothing too bad, like it's just something fell in the other room and I can hear it hit the floor, or I'll see a bug (I do not like bugs) scamper across the floor. Sometimes I hear people talk, even when they haven't, or I'll see just a vague figure of something small rushing up a curtain or a wall. And again, it's nothing too bad, but I'm worried that If I don't get help/treatment soon it's only going to get worse, and rapidly.

I used to have a lock on my door, but after my mum found out that I'm, I'll just say mentally unstable, she removed it. I've tried to get it back, but I can't tell her that I want it because I'm terrified and don't feel safe, especially now more than ever, because I don't want to be yelled at/lectured. I can't tell my dad either, neither of them are the greatest parents, especially when it comes to me/my health, having frequently called me a hypochondriac for years and still occasionally doing it because I've always had "Some sort of health issue." (Which yes, I am aware, I'm the one dealing with it while you just call me a liar time and time again.)

I don't know what to do, and besides, I really don't have as much autonomy as I wish I did, so I'm kind of just... Stuck, I guess.

(Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I am a teenage Australian on mobile and it is 1am as I am writing this. If anyone has read all of this, thank you. It feels kind of like ranting to the wind, except there are people who can respond but you'll probably never see again. Which i'd say is nice, because there are some things you just can't tell people you know, despite how much you might trust them. Again, thank you if you've made it this far, I'd image a fair percent of this makes no sense, but it feels good to just get it off your chest sometimes.)