 I really don't know how to say this, but just don't get confused okay?

The reason I'm suicidal is because I heard about a mental disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder. When I saw the symptoms, I was shocked because the symptoms sounded like the things I went through. But then I saw that it's more common in children. I went to see a psychiatrist to make sure this was true. But she told me it's more common in children. I was starting to get frustrated because I actually felt like I **HAD** this disorder. If I wasn't diagnosed with it, I'd get even more frustrated. But since I know that it's more common in children, I started getting suicidal. I was thinking to myself, "I want a new life. I want restart my life. I want to be abused. I want to be a child again." I keep saying/thinking that to this day.

Another thing I want to talk about is medications. I noticed that alot of people weren't taking me serious. Anytime I would talk about my emotional abuse, people would say stuff like "that's not real abuse" or " that's not that bad." So I was left thinking that emotional abuse isn't as serious as sexual or physical abuse. I was wishing that I was physically/sexually abused. I want people to take me seriously. My own damn family can't even take me seriously. So...all that thinking gave me an idea. "What if I abused medications?" Because abusing medications would make my symptoms worse? I planned to lie to my psychiatrists and tell them that I needed Paxil and Prozac. But I never told them the REAL reason why.

Another problem is the fact that I relate to cartoon characters more than my family. I started to think that those cartoon characters were my real family. I dream about them every day. One of them is a character from Pokemon, and his name is Lysandre. I love him very much. He's my favorite character because I feel like we have the same personality. Another character I like is Samson Oak, he's also from Pokemon. The only reason I like him is because I imagine him as my father. These characters helped me cope and escape reality. And I love them for that.

And the last thing I want to talk about isn't that serious, but I'll talk about it anyway. I want to run away from my home because of my binge-eating. My sister gets mad at me when I over-eat. And I feel extremely guilty. I feel like I get sudden impulses to eat food. But my mom and the doctors are focused on me vomiting, but I don't vomit anymore. But they'll never address my binge-eating problem. (And for some reason, my mom thinks that telling me to "stop vomiting" or "stop binge eating" is gonna help me). My binge-eating has gotten very extreme to the point where I want to run away.

I hope y'all understood all this. It was too much.