I was diagnosed with ADHD, when I was young. At that time, I didn’t really think much of it. I got a book by one of the psychologists describing the spectrums of ADHD and I was somewhere on the dreamy side of it. Of course, perspectives have changed and now ADHD is being viewed as something that changes throughout your life. 
But the label of being a dreamer stuck with me. 

After many painful years of struggling at succeeding at the University, I have almost finished my degree. But still, it sucks seeing so many friends or people around me who have finished their studies many years ago. It sucks, because it feels like a reminder of my own personal failure. 

And it really sucks that I can’t stop identifying myself as a broken mess that only fails because of something like ADHD or depression. It feels so narcissistic and cowardly, like I want to feel miserable. I only feel good, when I’m helping others, or when I can care about someone. I know, that there are people who really love me regardless but I just feel like being a burden to all of them. But sometimes, in between working, studying and seeing friends, everything just seems like a blurry fog of different assignments, desires, dreams, wishes and doubts. And I can’t focus on anything, because my own thoughts are so invasive and permanent, that every plan and every decision or every conversation feels as if it’s turnout is not in my control. Losing control and lacking focus can be very exhausting. And when I’m very exhausted,I just kind of deflate and lose every sense of emotion. In those moments, only way I can feel something is by daydreaming about „What if“ scenarios that often end up being a very pessimistic outlook into the future. However, when I’m currently not exhausted, I drown myself in work without a real plan.

Nevertheless, I want to start loving without constantly reflecting my own egoism, meaning I want to care about someone regardless of my needs. I don’t want to feel alone all the time. I don’t want to feel worthless anymore. I don’t want to feel disoriented all the time. And I would really like to be better at focusing on one thing, while being able to manage my thoughts. This text is probably really hard to read, because it’s not easy for me to keep a coherent thought.