Hey fellow BPD peeps!

I have pretty much made up my mind but wanted to make a post on here cuz sometimes I cant trust myself. So, quickly, been cutting since 6th grade, suicide attempts, drug abuse, isolation, finally got diagnosed at age 33 with bpd. straight male btw who is almost 35 currently. Things are a lot better than they were pre diagnosis, on 3 meds (lamotrigine, abilify generic, prozac generic) now, no self harm over a year, no opiates for 3-4, even met a girl that hung out and slept with me for a few weeks. which was a big deal when you had gone ten years without even a kiss, she was great, it ended and messed with me but so much less than i thought it would, mostly due to her being a fantastic human being about it.

anyway, ive been working in my industry for almost 15 years and slowly working my way up. bpd has really fucked with me in the past, but i thought now that i was doing better i was ready to take a promotion and go up the ladder a ring. sales job. ive done it before and quit cause of bpd and stress but i thought i could do it this time.

now im pretty sure i cant. the stress is killer. i wake up and feel sick. ive been drinking way more, smoking way more, doing whatever i can to escape feeling this way and its shutting me down. my job has a lot of freedom and very little structure and a lot of things to keep track of and be organized about.... and guess who doesnt have many of those life skills. im digging myself a hole and now i want to go back to my old position within the company (if i can, if not i dont know what ill do) so i can maintain my good insurance and go to therapy and try and get things locked down again.

by quitting my position it almost certainly will fuck up any career trajectory i had going. i might get fired immediately if i put in my notice, theyve done it before to other sales people. i disclosed i had bpd to them before taking the job, can they fire me if im asking for a new position because of my mental health? i dont know. 

im pretty scared about the whole thing, its a big move but i think itll be better in the end for my life. i have signed up for some therapist appointments and really gonna try and focus on getting healthier. 

this is a ramble. its 3:30 in the morning sorry. thanks for reading.