So I've been looking into microdosing, as someone who's had a great time on LSD before, as a means to help my creativity and problem-solving as well as possible alleviate some of my depression and anxiety.

I have geltabs, meaning I can't do the water extraction thing. Each geltab is 100ug. Fully aware I was being super dorky and it might not have any effect, I licked a geltab, just a little bit, with the tip of my tongue, twice. (Maybe three times, I am a creature of terrible memory. Either way, it was a minuscule amount.)

I wasn't really expecting anything, but I felt some effects. I felt the come-up, in the form of the familiar head-buzzy, squirmy, excitable anxiety; about 30-45 minutes in I had felt my mood lifting and my thoughts becoming slightly more abstract and overlayed with positivity and openness. The anxiety at this point was little, and I worked with it pretty well. 

A little farther in though, and the anxiety was gnawing and twisting in my gut, and I couldn't get rid of it. I looked up some calming-down exercises, but I couldn't focus on them well at all. I kept reminding myself that it would happen until it wasn't happening; meanwhile, I could will myself to relax, relax my muscles, and try to think of and engage in constructive and relaxing things. It kind of worked, meaning it worked a little but the anxiety would always come back.

I took a very short nap about and hour and a half? two hours? in, and then got up and went to bed with my bf and lay down and tried to relax, ended up falling asleef about two and a half hours in. Meanwhile, the anxiety was really difficult to contain, difficult to think through, move through. My roommate put her hand on my face which would normally be fine, but I reached up and grabbed her hand and I think I just said 'don't.' I told her I was okay, I apologized because my nails are longer right now than I'm used to and I think I scratched her finger.

Going to sleep I felt a lot of anxiety. I tried to imagine it as a mass or a coil inside my stomach where I felt it, with the feeling radiating through the rest of me. I tried  to envision it like, uncoiling and coming out of me, all muddy brown and painful to extricate. But the coil of anxiety never ended. The part I was imagining coming out of me felt extraneous and secondary to the continous and seemingly endless expanse of the knot in my stomach. I had unpleasant dreams, like I usually do.


I think in addition to my regular anxiety I have a lot of repression (still, even after years of therapy and intensive introspection) and I've recently re-discovered my Anger which I lost the ability to feel years ago (that's a little more complicated and has to do with multiplicity and dissociative alters; basically Anger is an identity inside me with a disdain for love or trust and an angry, hateful fear of men.)

The other thing was, I was worried I was going to hurt my boyfriend or my roommate. Not like, seriously worried.

When I was younger I was really disaffected, didn't connect well with others partially due to disorders and partially due to abuse. I was very sadomasochistic, still kind of am. Sometimes that resurfaces and I can still find it difficult to connect, but I know (and my mental health professionals know/have confirmed) I'm not a danger to anyone except sometimes myself. What I do have are intrusive thoughts about hurting myself and others (for anyone unfamiliar with the term, they're essentially thoughts that originate from disordered thinking patterns- for me they mostly come from my OCD -and that the person doesn't want and which don't reflect their actual personality or values. Tl;dr: you think about nasty things but you hate it and it doesn't actually reflect who you are).  Sometimes on the down-end of a trip and/or drinking, my violent intrusive thoughts get worse.

I think, reflecting now, that microdosing went badly for me because of preexisting problems, namely, longstanding repression of various things. I'm still feeling some of those emotions (hoo boy the anxiety has not been fun today) just as I was feeling them before dosing. I took the LSD to try to help myself and I think it did, just not in the way I was expecting. To use maybe a gross metaphor, it feels like I've shaved a scab off of an old splinter, and it's going to start slowly pushing itself out. I'm worried about how this is going to feel for me. Similar has happened in the past and it's usually unpleasant, and right now I don't have a therapist (although I'm in the process of setting up an appointment with a new one).

Anyway. Tl;dr: Didn't go well, maybe helped, still kinda feel gross. 