A month or two ago, I posted about [how I was highly abusive and literally ruined my relationship](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/livdu5/literally_ruined_my_relationship_because_im/). I was being physically and verbally abusive with my partner and couldn't even make it through a 24 hour period without having some kind of meltdown. I checked into a psychiatric hospital and it did nothing for me. It was rock bottom.

Finally, after months of trying every medication under the sun, I started Seroquel. It worked so well! The *day* I started Seroquel I was having 50% fewer episodes, and the episodes I did have were 50% as long. I started to feel peace and stability during my day. I started at 25mg and am now on 50mg. If you're afraid of antipsychotics, don't be! I have practically no side effects. It even helps me sleep. It was a lifesaver.

The good news doesn't end there. I also started a DBT program with an individual DBT specialist (1hr a week) and a DBT skills group put on by my local LGBTQ center (1.5 hr a week). The skills I'm learning are **changing my life**. I now have less than one episode a week, and each episode is less than 2 hours, and I *never* do anything abusive during them anymore. It's been weeks since I last felt suicidal or felt like hurting myself, weeks since I've done anything abusive, and I'm feeling positively *happy* most days. Yes, my partner and I still end up yelling at each other every Sunday over cleaning the house, but that's nothing compared to how it used to be.

DBT programs are a year long and I'm only one month in. I know most of the journey still lies ahead of me. But I'm 1000% better than I was two months ago.

I wanted to make this post to tell people that it can get better. If I, *an abuser*, can improve, you can too. **Don't give up.**

The two keys to finally turning things around:

1. Trying medication after medication without giving up until you find one that works for you.
2. Trying therapist after therapist and program after program until you find one who's good for you.

I know from experience how hard it is to find those things. I was in the ER for drug-induced complications three times from previous medications I was trying. I tried 5 therapists, 3 group therapy programs, 2 psychiatric nurse practitioners, and 1 inpatient hospital stay before finding a program that actually helped me. I had no insurance, expensive self-paid insurance, and finally state insurance.

Getting here took fucking ages. It took a hideous amount of money and time. It was painful and miserable and I thought several times about giving up. I'm so glad I didn't**.** 

I know a lot of people on this subreddit live in a pit of despair. Believe me, I know. But please don't give up. The intervention that will change your life might be just around the corner.