I filmed a video of myself playing piano and singing one of the songs I wrote, and have been recording videos of me practicing on my piano, and having fun. I've saved them on my computer. I felt really beautiful when I'm having fun and when a part of the song I'm playing goes well I feel really happy. 

I was feeling really depressed this weekend, was catastrophizing in my mind. It got really bad and I was feeling like I never ever ever wanted to sing or play piano again, that it was worthless and I wasn't good at it at all and these other thoughts that were really really bad. I didn't want to get out of bed all day, and hardly did. 

But I opened up my laptop and forced myself to click through some of the videos of me being really happy and playing piano and it helped a lot to have that reminder of, hey, that's the same person, and this episode won't last forever, just have to wait out the wave, and I am actually kind of pretty and talented and happy sometimes. 

It helped a bit with this surreal sort of identity separation thing that sometimes happens, where I get down I myself and entirely forget who I am you know/ who I can be when I'm not in this weird episode. When my CPTSD/PMDD kicks in bad, along with my related BPD symptoms kick in, it's hard to be reminded of that sometimes. 