Since bpd has a cause, I’ve been trying to see what the inciting incident was that got me like this. It’s really easy to point to the beginning of the train wreck and say my parents divorce but to sum it up: any father figure I gave will leave after 4 years. 

The rule of 4s began when my parents divorced. I just turned 4, they divorced in may that year. I don’t remember how old I was when my first stepdad walked in but we’ll call him Tiger. I very was scared of him. He was a big muscle man that didn’t like kids that much and was incredibly strict but he had his moments of being a nice guy. He was the “man of the house”, bbqing, cutting the grass, all those things dads do (idk I wouldn’t know). He often used fear to get us to act straight but I remember he’d let us call him “dad”. He tried to be a good father to me and my sister. I don’t remember if he was or wasn’t but I’m like this so who knows. 

He married my mom and on the 4th year of their relationship he got into a motorcycle accident. He was in the hospital for 6 to 8 months, recovering from basically his lower half getting destroyed and relearning how to walk. He came home when I started grade 6 so about 10, he was home for 4 months. One day he left taking our 2 dogs (at the time) with him. Mom told me he left to be closer to work, it wasn’t until 3 years later that she told me they separated. She told me that he couldn’t handle his family taking care of him so he decided to leave. 

I never got to say goodbye to those dogs before they died. 

2 years go by being 12 and at the start of me being a horrible teenager, my second stepdad came into the picture, we’ll call him Fern. Fern was actually a very nice guy, had 2 older sons and a younger daughter. He was an artist who made comics and colouring books and I was a young artist too so I’d show him all my work to hear his praise. He was really fun and I enjoyed being around him.  He had his own place so he’s come over on weekends or random days in the week so it was nice to come home from school and see him. 

Year 4 of him and my mom’s relationship and he stopped coming over randomly. Just around Christmas time I remember wishing him a happy Christmas and new years through text, asking when he’d swing by to pick up his gift to no response. I asked his sons and they just shrugged, not sure what was up either. It was in January where I made that joke “4 years and they’re gone” to my boyfriend at the time when I told him he’d never get to meet Fern. 

4 years go by with it just being me, my mom and my sister with a lot of fighting before Tiger walks back into our lives needing a place to stay. 

I should’ve known I had bpd at the time because 4 years worth of childhood fear and 2 years worth of bitterness laced every word I said to him. I was always seconds from snapping over something small when in my head all I could think of was “how dare you come back.” I was even angrier at my mom for letting him come back. I never shouted, because I don’t like yelling but I made sure my words hurt. I feel bad about it now but at the same time I absolutely do not. 

I got over it knowing that he’s here but I don’t respect him as my dad and I never will. Not because he abandoned me, more because all of his strictness has left him. It’s been a year since he walked back in, in the back of my head I wonder 3 years from now what will happen. Will the cycle break or will the rule stay. 

I mentioned this to my girlfriend and she said that she’s make a point to marry me on the 4th year of our relationship and I told her not to think about it too hard or put too much thought into it because I’d probably break down if that happened