Hello all,

Hope everyone is well. I've been having a hard time for the last year. It started when I started to gain weight back that I took a long time to loose. After that, it's been going down hill for me. There has been ups also during this past year! I quit my job that was dragging my mood down. There wasn't much room to grow there and I was there for 5 years. I still worked two jobs at the same time, but they weren't much compared to the one I left. It was a hard adjustment to manage my income with my biggest income going away. I guess I was in LaLa Land spending the same amount of money when I wasn't bringing in the same income-- life of a young adult I guess.

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So that started to affect me. I love going shopping and also eating at nice restaurants with my friends. I guess I felt like I lost my identity when I couldn't do the same things I was used to. I finally found another job that makes a lot of money. I've been training for this job for the last (3) months. The only thing about this job is that the **training isn't paid**. That's been putting a bummer on me since I'm not making the same type of money I was making,  I have to finish this training at a certain date  and I'm still working my other two low paying jobs at the same time. (Also, I had to invest $2k in the equipment for this job. Which I had to sell and ask my partner to help me with that). 

 It's been a real struggle trying to do it. I don't come from money. I didn't go to college. **So I know anything that I want to do, I have to work harder for**. Just for me, the more I put on my plate, the easier it is for me to **implode**. That's exactly whats been happening to me for the last 6 months.

The grueling training, constant fights with my partner because he doesn't understand my depression. It's been hard. Our fights have been getting worse lately. My depression has gotten worse too. All because of everything I've subjected myself too. My partner always reminds me that I put myself in this position. I wanted to spend money when I knew I needed to save. I knew eating foods at certain times wouldn't help with my weight issue. He has been throwing everything that I've been going through right back at my face for the last few months. He doesn't even want me to talk about my depression anymore. He doesn't want to hear me talk about staying home because I can't afford to spend extra money. He reminds me that he can still do what he wants because he's made the right financial decisions. On one hand, I understand it. I did put myself here. I guess I can't talk about my "issues" with him.  On the other hand, It just sucks that I can't express (his words: **complain**) about what's going on with me without turning him off.

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At this point, I'm just lying to myself until I start this new job, get my savings back up, and just be the best me again. I have to lie to myself not to hurt myself. It's been hard. I wanted to cut myself so bad. Instead I drink and eat to hurt myself. It just hurts because I feel like I've exhausted anyone to really talk to. It feels like I'm suffocating myself just to appear sane. I can't even get my partner to understand without getting him in a bad mood. I find myself just trying to make him happy enough to forget how I'm feeling. This helped a lot to write it all down. Thanks for reading if you got this far.