I know this is long and I just need a safe place to vent but please hear me out. F20 here. 

Background: I grew up being raised by my grandparents and as a toddler I would sleep in the same bed with my grandma and every time my grandma left the bed I would cry. I saw my grandpa as a father figure and he walked out of my life when my grandparents got divorced at 5. As a kid I had this extreme fear of being left alone, when I was the last kid to be picked up from school I would throw a fit and cry because I felt “forgotten.” My parents would leave me home alone and I wouldn’t notice until I woke up from a nap or finished showering. I would get super angry and call them crying asking why they didn’t take me with them. 

Fast forward in relationships. I start to make up delusions about a man cheating on me if he doesn’t answer fast. I’ve lashed out on men during jealousy to the point where I get abusive and start developing homicidal thoughts. I get super angry I start shaking to the point where I want to kill myself or run and seek validation from another man. This is with simple things like him liking a woman’s picture on social media and i’m ready to smash his phone or going out with friends and not family I get really manipulative and passive aggressive so he won’t go. I tend to get arguementive and irrational due to delusions on cheating. I get hypersexual because I need to feel validated after an episode and I do everything I can in bed so he won’t leave. Because I feel like I am in competition with women I makeup in my head.

The exhausting part is, that I seem trusting at first and I don’t feel any bit of jealousy. Then I switch to this jealous demon. Then back to trusting. These are all for the exact same situation. I just don’t know what I will shift into. 

I tend to overspend on my appearance like buying and hoarding clothes, purses, shoes, lingerie, makeup and hair because I do obsess over my looks and I feel that if I always look good for him, he won’t leave me. I usually turn to alcohol as a way to validate myself. 

for example: a man I was talking to told me he liked a certain sports car, I found out his ex has one and I got super angry because I made a delusion in my head that she is still involved with him. 

I am not under any medication. But I appreciate whoever took the time to read this and provide me any feedback.