


So, I’m a 15 year old girl, and I suddenly got a fear that I would turn into a pedophile somehow (despite being disgusted by the thought of children like that, immediately turned off whenever I got a thought of them like that my entire life up until now.),, i have ocd and once I feared I was a cannibal, another time I feared I was gay, (all of which I ended up not being) but now it turned into fear of turning into a pedophile. I don’t think I am one now, because just ew. But I’m terrified of turning into one

So I was having anxiety over it today and I had a compulsion. Once I read a story of a guy who looked at shota which is like anime drawings of boys who are young teens or pre teens i think and said he wished he never got into that stuff because maybe he wouldn’t be a pedo then. And I got so scared that if I saw shota I would be attracted and turn into a pedophile. So I had a compulsion to look at a picture of a shota (this seems counterintuitive and it is, but that’s what my compulsions are like. When I had religious ocd that god would do something bad to me I had compulsions to search up people who had bad experiences with God because my whacked brain thought somehow that would soothe my ocd which it only made it worse. I felt like I HAD to search up these experiences and read them because if I didn’t idk I just had to and I hated it)

Looking at it immediately it just grossed me out. It wasn’t porn or anything, I wouldn’t be able to stomach looking at that. It was of a boy maybe 12? I’m 15, so that’s a 3 year difference but still it was an anime drawing so they could’ve been younger or older I don’t know. I had a fear that I would find attraction to it, and though i guess a 3 year age difference wouldn’t be the worst, my fear is that I’ll be attracted to it and then when I age, the age I’m attracted to wont age if that makes sense. Because I read stories of pedophiles where that happened to them.

they were wearing clothes but the picture was sort of in like that “innocent but sexual implications” manner, that in itself made me uncomfy but my ocd kept telling me I could be attracted and so I was really focusing on my groin area to see if I felt anything/felt attracted because I was utterly terrified that I would get turned on by it and turn into a pedophile. I don’t think I felt turned on, more uneasy and anxious. But this is the worst part, but I felt like I had to do it to make sure I wasn’t attracted and I could stop worrying about it. I want to kill myself because of it and I just want to throw up and I can’t believe I even tried it but I attempted to touch myself to see if it felt pleasurable or uncomfortable, and I felt uncomfortable. After like 3 seconds I had to stop because I just couldn’t stomach it and Felt so grossed out that they looked young and it was a child and just gross. 

But it’s the fact that I even looked that up, the fact that I even did that I haven’t been able to eat all morning because my appetite is gone and I feel like the worst person ever and that I am a pedophile. I’m scared I want to kill myself and I probably will because I’m to scared to live and see if I turn out to be a pedophile. I’m so so sorry for even doing that and it was so wrong and I feel like puking. I hate my compulsions because I feel like I have to do them to make sure I’m not what I’m scared of being. I don’t know what to do I had to get this off my chest somewhere I’m really sorry. I’m really horrible I’m sorry

I know the comments will either be to see a therapist or maybe to die because of what i did which I wouldn’t blame them for saying that, but I can’t tell my therapist this I can’t tell anyone this. I know I’m not attracted to kids, but I feel overwhelming guilt and hatred to myself that I did that. Now I keep seeing that image in my head and I want to puke. I don’t care if they had clothes or if it was not too big an age difference, it was a child and I can’t do this Im really scared and I don’t think people with POCD would ever do what I did so I think maybe I might become a peodphile I don’t know what to do.