I've been getting by, I've been reminding myself everyday when it pops in my head that I miss her and want to talk, that she doesn't and never will.

I still have panic attacks they are more rare now but they are still there, I always put on a brave front, never willing to be vulnerable ever again.

I've recently realise that nobody would want me as a boyfriend and that's ok, everyone has their tastes and preferences. 

I've realised that my life for the past 10 years hasn't amounted to much in terms of relationships and thats ok, I tried and was rejected a lot.

I used to wish I could go back to a moment in time and change everything, but no one can change the past, the woman I loved favourite saying was time waits for no one and well I wanted to wait for her.

She's happier now, a boyfriend, a life, everything I wanted to give her. I'm forgotten now, everything I've done now looked on with disgust and it is my own fault. Depression, loss and alcohol doesn't help the mind heal.

I no longer look for the brightside of anything, I am afraid of being happy again, everytime I've thought things were going well it was all ways the next day that the rug would be pulled out from under me.

I have died on the inside and I don't think I will ever get that joy back, I'm tired of always being the one making the effort and not being good enough.

But alas things just aren't meant to be, i wanted my argentum primula and it wilted in my hand.

Only to flourish in another's hand.

I wish them well.