I was psychologically and emotionally abused by a psychopath growing up and it completely destroyed me. He came to me as a saviour for my bullying issues/ self esteem issues and used that premise to abuse me for 4 years of my life as a teen. He took advantage of my devotion, gas lit, put me down, used intimidation, and created this whole illusion that was the foundation of our friendship. It was absolutely destroyed me knowing he used my childhood trauma against me and was devastating upon learning so. I had no concept of who I was anymore. There was so much rage and sadness. I wanted to die, self harmed and almost attempted suicide because facing the reality that all of it had been fake was too much to handle. I was disgusted by myself. He also sexually, mentally abuses his male friends and over the years they confided in me. It was so difficult carrying all of that that I just couldnt handle it anymore. I had a bunch of falling outs with some girls back in highschool school and they made up a whole bunch of shit and told my abuser. This year after not speaking to him for a year and a half he went online and publically and privately defamed me for covering his ass on a sexual allegation my friend made about him. (It was 50% true) still, he flipped out, blamed it on me and sent the premise that he used to abuse me on for his defence. I was speechless... his actions triggered PTSD. I was shaking and couldn’t eat my food. After everything I did to take him out of my life he still enjoyed causing me pain.... I’ve been like in a really bad place mentally and

I’m really suicidal. I’m so upset people think that I would lie about my experience with this man that completely sacrificed my wellbeing .... it’s so hurtful.... I’m so anxious and I have trouble sleeping... I wake up in the morning and my head is screaming.. I’m trying to see the positives in this but I’m really struggling to... it’s only making me sicker and I don’t know what to do. Nothing is making me feel better... I feel like I’m Screaming into the void and nobody is listening. What should I do ? And do u have any strategies so I can cope?