Is this really just a state of chemical inbalance or is it something much deeper? The thought of me continuing to live my life like this abhorres me, yet I do nothing about it. I merely exist from day to day and not even in the nice mindeful, present way, I'm a hollow shell devoid of thought and emotion, everything is surface level; life passes through me like a ghost and I'm left wondering, what is this? What is this thing that is clouding my eyes, keeping me from even opening he windows to see the sun and the sky? This is unbearable hell even with the knowledge that it is temporary; though you couldn't convince me of that right now. I almost turn this state into a sacred ritual, or it turns itself into one, It's been more than a month of  continuous dread and a frightening shut down of my soul. This thing is reproducing itself everyday, giving some sort of life to the unliving being that is me, it becomes life, somehow, shaping it, defining it. It feels like I've always been this way. It feels like I've never been anything. I don't know if I want to be lifted up or sunk down deeper. This thing feels sentient, like it has secrets to reveal, like life is more interesting this way? Where are these thoughts coming from? from a despair that normal life will never be fitting? That this might be where I truly belong? This is sad beyond words.