I have come a long way from how I was two years ago, but the trauma that has happened to me in the past still affects my relationship with my current boyfriend. I smother him and I just create imagined abandonment in my head and I end up self sabotaging my relationship. It is extremely hard for both of us.  Dating someone with BPD is hard, but it is even harder living with this pain.  We are called emotional burn victims for a reason. While some days are good, other days can feel like a living hell. I know I cry a lot but I physically cannot stop myself from crying sometimes. I hate the people who made me this way. I hate that I cannot think like a functional human being with rational emotions. I hate that I self sabotage my relationships subconsciously. 

I hate the people who did this to me. I hate that I was sexually abused by a boyfriend who treated me like a sexual object and made me believe that I was cheap and worthless and that no one would want me. I hate that every time I said no, it didn't mean no to him. I hate that the only thing I was good for, was someone to have power over.  I was a pawn and I did not care, just as long as I was shown love. I hate that years later he had sex with a minor and was put in jail for endangering a child. I always knew he got some sort of power from taking advantage of me, but he hurt someone and I cannot forgive myself for that. 

I hate my best friend who took advantage of me in college. I hate that I used to consider you someone I could trust. He was someone I talked with for hours on the phone. I always knew he had a crush on me, but he knew the boundaries and that I only saw him as a friend. I regret the day that I got super drunk around him. I regret letting him take me home because he said he would take care of me. I hate that I woke up not remembering how I got home, but being naked and seeing a condom on the floor. It disgusts me when he told me that that was how he lost his virginity. He lost his virginity by taking advantage of a blackout drunk girl. I would tell my friends jokingly, but they didn't think it was funny. They told me I have to tell someone, but I just couldn't. It is still hard for me to this day not to blame myself for that night. After what happened to me, I was only able to have sex if I had something to drink. I could not have sober sex, it hurt me too much. I was a spiraling mess, who not only suffered with BPD but bipolar disorder as well.

Will it ever get better from here on out? I am the type of person to lift others up and maintain a positive attitude, so why is it so hard for me to do it for myself? When will this sensitivity end? Why can't I just react with rational emotions? These people who have hurt me, they deserve the worst. They probably have no idea the trauma I have endured because of them and they are to selfish to even care.

I refuse to accept that I am broken. I am strong. I will survive.