I get into these moods where I “need” (not even sure what a real need is anymore) to talk to someone, but I know there is no one I want to talk to. I have amazing friends. Friends with depression. Friends with anxiety. I love them. They love me and want to support me. 

I just.. never feel understood. Which is dramatic and self centered.  But it commands all of my attention in a way that truly feels like possession.

One of the many curses of bpd is that we (borderlines)are seemingly the only ones who care so much about people truly FEELING what we’re experiencing. I need someone to just “get it” or just do that “one thing” that seems so simple and obvious because I guess our brains just believe every random thought we have? Am I imagining their behavior or am I being gaslit? Is everyone lying to me? Will I ever know? How are they not getting this extremely obvious need that I have if they care about me at all?

We care so much and are so passionate about others, but when we’re having a bad time we physically cannot help but need someone to just simply understand. Yet our brains know they never can, and that they cannot comprehend what you’re going through. We are always searching for someone who can instantly know what we need due to the fact we cannot regulate our emotions. We want so badly for someone to see that evil twin that’s determined to screw our lives up when we’re angry while we’re just trapped in a weird wounded animal pile of mush. While everyone else just like “what’s the big deal? Why are you causing all this?”

Idk about y’all, but personally, I exhausted, confused, and scared about my future.

TLDR:
my life is opening so many amazing opportunities for me, but I don’t have the money for a 2nd round of DBT, my self sabotaging behavior has clearly figured out how to navigate my med+DAE feel awful and like nobody gets them but also know theyre being dramatic and terrible?