So. I started standing up for my boundaries once again and I feel uncomfortable with my parents constantly touching me considering they have been a part of a good chunk of my trauma and it's just uncomfortable to me. Usually my dad will say "what are you untouchable now?" or my mom will say "i don't care you're mine you came out of me" and continue to keep grabbing and touching me after i say no and swat her off over and over. Once I stand by that boundary they almost always guilt trip or scare me which is why I usually gave in. This time I didn't and it was with my dad- who is the one who played the biggest part in childhood trauma of watching him hit my brother and get extremely violent and angry growing up. When I moved away for the third time in a somewhat casual way (I wasn't trying to make it a huge deal before anyone calls me dramatic) and he just stopped and stared at me in anger. After he did this for about 15 seconds (he does it all the time ever since my brother and I were kids to intimidate us) he got angry and tried to make me feel bad about "having a problem with my father touching me and being fine with other people". If any of you want to know who he's referring to- he's referring to one guy that was in my friend group about 4 years ago and how I once hugged him goodbye along with the rest of my friends before he went on a trip. THAT- is what he can never let go and he holds against me as an excuse to let him hug, poke, or do whatever he wants, because I let that boy hug me like 4 years ago and had no problem with it. I'm sure if I ever brought this up he'd just deny and lie though. He'd probably claim that he's seen my friends hug me which by the way are the ONLY OTHER PEOPLE I FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH TOUCHING ME.

After he left with my mom to go on a walk I for once let myself get angry when I'd usually stuff it down and cry. I cried a bit, but mostly I was yelling to myself, hyperventilating, etc. Eventually I started shaking and felt my body tingling and I saw small black spots but I still felt so much rage I was screaming into my empty house. "I HATE YOU. I HATE THAT YOU FEEL SO ENTITILED TO ME. IM SO ANGRY YOU FUCKED ME UP AND RUINED THE WAY I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE TREATED BY OTHERS FOR YEARS. FUCK YOU FUCK ALL OF THIS. I DON'T CARE IF YOU HURT ME DO IT I DONT CARE I WANT YOU TO NOTHING YOU COULD DO TO ME WOULD BE WORSE THAN WHAT I'VE DONE TO MYSELF."

I tried the ice trick and stuck it to the back of my neck where it melted completely pouring down my back but I could barely even feel the cold I was so angry. I'm feeling a bit better now but I just can't see him right now and I know he's going to try and intimidate me again tonight or confront me or give me attitude and I just can't handle that right now.

Does anyone have tips that could help me manage if he continues to be like this all day and triggers me more because I don't think I could handle it and no ice cube could possibly save me from myself.