Guys, I don't know how to express how happy I am right now? 

I've been in a relationship with an amazing man for over two years and at the start things were great but the more serious we got the more I would have this fight or flight reaction to any hurdle we had to jump. And instead of jumping over them together I would bulldoze over each hurdle and leave him in my dust and act like everything was completely fine. Which would in turn result in me exploding. I was...awful to him. No excuses to be honest. I was horrible and have been horrible.

I've had a hard time explaining my diagnosis to him and explaining how it presents itself and as a result I kind of just settled for scaring him without much explanation and just being all-around awful. Not communicating. Unaffectionate. Instead of talking about our issues I'd pack my shit up and leave hoping to jump ship before he would and I'd never give any explanation.

I was AWFUL. I know I have a disorder but it doesn't change my actions and the way they hurt someone I love who is so beyond genuine and kind and patient and understanding. He has never really raised his voice with me. Never been physical and always tried to be calm and collected when I lose my cool. He's such an amazing man.

Last night though shit hit the fan. I got stuck in my head over him seeming disinterested and started to worry about the future and contemplating whether we would last and I just shut down ( a common occurrence that leaves him in the dark and worried). But I did what my therapist told me to do...I started saying to myself all the amazing things about him and how he is not my father. Over and over again. Until I had calmed down and I was actually able to say what was on my mind in a calm manner without losing my mind and I did it in under thirty minutes. Usually, it takes days for me to calm down and actually say what was on my mind. It also usually includes me losing my cool and storming out without an explanation. 

But the night didn't end as well. We managed to stay calm and everything until the very end of the night when I got frustrated with his indecisiveness with something that pertains to our future. So given how...scared I can get and how hopeless I can get when it comes to thinking about the future I began to lash out. I was saying really really hurtful things. Saying how I didn't have a reason to live, that I didn't WANT to live for long. I never planned to live until an old age and obviously because he loves me...that hurt him. I was saying really nasty things to him-those are just some of the things and a little nicer version of things. 

He was on the brink of tears but he got up walked out of the room. Wrote down affirmations for himself and managed to make himself laugh. So he came back into the room and did everything he could to make me laugh because he recalled my therapist saying that laughter usually helps me snap out of my anger and irrational thoughts and behaviors. 

I wound up laughing really hard and so did he and we went to sleep. BUT the morning after things obviously weren't fixed so I started being very physically affectionate and actually...opened up. I was FINALLY able to put into words my fears and how they affect me and why the shit that happens-happens. I never want to leave but I'm terrified he will leave first and so my body just goes on autopilot and I start packing up-EVEN THOUGH my brain doesn't want to leave and I don't ACTUALLY want to leave because I love him. I'm scared though that if I keep my behavior up he'll get sick of me and as a result, I respond by trying to leave so I don't ever have to see him FINALLY get sick of me. 

I actually cried in front of him. He's told me countless times how it feels sometimes like I don't love him because I never seem to get emotional over him. But today I let my guard down and he saw my fears. He saw that I am scared of losing him because I do love him. I was able to explain why our relationship has gotten rockier the longer we are together. I was able to say that the longer we are together the harder it will hit if he does decide he no longer wants me in his life and as a result, any sort of fight or argument or disagreement gets a stronger response from me now than it did before because I'm MORE scared that I was at the start. Because it'll hurt that much more because we are way more serious now than we were at the start and this could possibly go somewhere. 

I just...I want to cry happy tears because it feels like I jumped a hurdle yesterday and then showed my boyfriend how I truly feel today without clamming up, shutting down, and running off. I did it. I'm so happy and feel like a weight has been lifted.