I truly don't know why I should continue other than to be in servitude. I am a housewife and teach homeschool. I have no friends, and 99% of my family has already died as I was growing up. I have nothing but a few hostile family members still alive, and I have no home to return to. I have a history with abuse, SA and r*pe during my childhood, and grew up around tons of substance abusers that ended up killing themselves. 

My husband is 'good' to me- he pays bills and is a good father. But he also treats me like a pet. Basically financially supports our necessities (if I ever want anything extra I have to ask for it because he has all of the money that I can't access without asking him) but is never home and always wants to be with his family who lives in the neighborhood. I've never been really welcome with his family- they are cordial when he is around but cold shoulder and snappy when he isn't. I stay home, clean/cook/teach/sex with husband as he wants/ etc. I even try to be good to his relatives and do what they ask of me, even when I really don't want to. I try to be the perfect wife/mom, to the point I have literally given up everything that makes up my identity to change into what they wanted. I have nothing else I can change, and I have nothing I can give further. 

I haven't bought anything for myself unless I've really needed it. I only buy new clothes when my others are tattered, and I no longer wear makeup. I don't have really any material/money desires. I've tried really hard to make my existence as small as possible, and I think I'm about ready to disappear. I've tried to talk about my problems with my husband, and the conversations seem good but it just goes in one ear and out the other for him. For 13 years (we were high school sweethearts). I am so empty. He actively encouraged me to come home, leave work behind, and be happy with him. Now that I have been home, he is never here unless it's time to eat/sleep/etc. There has even been a cheating incident with him a few years ago, and I died a lot inside after learning about it. It used to be frustrating but now I am numb. I killed myself inside, and it's hard to feel anything anymore.

I have no support. My kid is happy, and doesn't know anything is wrong. I want to keep it that way. My own mother committed suicide and I can't bring myself to leave my kid behind to feel the same way I did. As long as I stay alive and kill my mind, everything can continue to operate as smoothly as before. Everyone thinks we are very happy together.  He thinks we are very happy together, since he has what he always wanted. A stayhome wife/maid who doesn't argue or complain or spend all his money and acts like a 'yes' man. As long as I continue to work hard, no one will ever check on me unless something is wrong in my health, and even then they are asking when I will be better so I can do 'xyz' for them. But how long can I continue to kill my own mind until my body follows? Idk. I want desperately for it to be over, for everything to just... stop. For me to stop. But I can't because of love/guilt for my child. I want to leave so badly, to be released, yet I can't.

I know this all reads like a mess, and I'm sorry. There is too much that has happened in almost 30 years of life to condense. Thanks for taking the time to read this far, although I'm not sure what good it will do for you. All I can say is.. please don't end up like me.