Irritability usually proceeds my swings up into paranoia, constant talking, and agitation. I’ve been irritable for the last few days so I was bracing myself but instead starting yesterday I just feel like shit. Worthless. Hopeless. Hating myself and my brain and wondering if this will get worse while simultaneously thinking that there’s no way that it can. On top of feeling like a failure because I thought I had figured out a pattern in my moods and then it switched up on me. And wondering if I’m faking it all while being unable get out of bed for hours or speak without feeling like I’m dying. So tired of living like this and feeling so unstable and so tired of providers not completely believing me when I tell them there is something wrong in my head and it’s getting worse. I’m like two weeks onto lamotrigine and this is the worst I’ve felt since my last episode. Just so so hopeless but not even sad because I’m mostly just flat and numb. Coping skills only help for a few minutes at best. Fuck.