
I found out my boyfriend of 2.5 years—and more importantly, my fp—had been cheating on me for 8 months. I found out almost three weeks ago, kicked him out right away, and he hasn’t reached out to apologize or get the rest of his things. There was no real conversation to explain why he did it (I was in full blown meltdown mode). All I got was him admitting to sleeping with her and admitting that it was more than once, and then he took his bags and left. He was sobbing the entire time, initially he tried to lie his way out of it. My mom was trying to talk to him and figure it out and he insisted that it wasn’t me, that I didn’t do anything wrong. That was all he said to her. 

I had panic attacks fairly often in our relationship about him abandoning me, and he’d sit with me through them, love me and talk me through them, assure me that he didn’t see me as the BPD stereotype in anyway, how I’m so afraid of people viewing me. He would promise me that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, and most importantly that if I hurt him in anyway, he’d tell me so we could talk it out and fix it. When I found out, the girl he had been seeing contacted me and in part of her message, said that my now ex told her that he wasn’t with me anymore because I was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He was living with me and sleeping in my bed every night, the entire time.

I am terrified that if he couldn’t love me, someone who I had been very good friends with for years prior to our romantic relationship, no one will be able to. I have CPTSD and Depression as well, and I’m 20; this was my first time actually opening up and having a real romantic relationship. He knew me better than anyone else has in my whole life, he had my heart in his hands and I trusted him because I was so sure that he loved me. 

How fucked up is it that I miss him, and I desperately want him to try and fix it? He’s still my fp. How do I let go? Rationally I know he couldn’t have loved me, because if he did he wouldn’t have jeopardized the relationship that way. My whole world flipped upside down with one message from that girl. 

With quarantine, I don’t know where to turn. I can’t self soothe how I might normally, I can’t see my friends, and I don’t know anyone with BPD. I can’t describe to them the level of mind-fuck I’m experiencing right now. I keep writing no-send letters to him to try and let it out. I don’t know what exactly I’m seeking by posting this, I just can’t carry this alone and don’t know where I can turn. So, what the hell, right? 

(Ps this app is brand new to me and still trying to figure it out. I hope I’m doing this the right)