Amongst having a job thats physically tasking,
Never had prior strength training throughout 21 years of my life,
Having a successful relationship almost going into a full year with a planned vacation coming up,
Graduated college in Film &amp; Post-Production; I hate myself.

All i get are support and co-workers praise about how well my life situation is, but in reality deep down inside, i'm not happy. To ease my pain ive decided to drink alot, but only what my favorite tastes were, it later started to become a habbit of buying bigger and bigger bottles and even finishing them whole to myself. It later caused me to vent out to childhood friend and slept over his house, to later kiss him deep on the lips. (Im a guy) The guilt, I blindly cheated. The Joy, I just had my very first kiss with a guy; after being sure of being bisexual for several years, not only that but it felt even better that it was someone I felt so close to.

Depression soon seeped deeper, and I began to drink more, Ive tried alcohol abuse, its a good way to end pain although suicide has such different perspectives... I almost died without having any memory or suffering other than my emotions, but someone found me and kept me alive somehow. I felt grateful and started to appreciate life more but then...again I'm seeing how dull life is... "I cant have what I want, nor does what I want; want me."

Now my life has been living by that last line.
I'm a 21 year old male with BPD that also has sexual addiction and an Alcohol addiction. None of my peers know this and im stuck destructing myself in my mind. They say search for distractions or other avenues of hapiness. But its gone so far that these addictions are my only forms of happiness. 

I have solutions in my head... majority of them are things out my control. The only solution i have that gives me actual control is to commit suicide.

All it feels like is that im living life for literally zero reason anymore.