Content Warning: suicide

Long story short: I (25f) became estranged from my family at 16. I have had to figure out life from scratch, alone. 

I immediately focused on my education and wanted to build a career. I have managed to develop my career into working in Healthcare, specifically for people with cancer. I absolutely loved the job and the people I get to meet. But now the job feels like the same thing happening each day. 

In my spare time I have started to volunteer at the hospice to write biographies for the people who do not have long to live. I feel everyone deserves a change to have their life story out to share with the people they want to share it with. It's a great honor for me to be able to do this for others and I'm so verh thankful of having this role in the community. 

And if I have more spare time: I keep myself busy with creating art pieces and gifting them to people around the world (and created a lifetime art project around this)

And for any other loose bits of spare time I have, I do baking and give them to people close by within my city. 

I guess I try to keep myself as busy as possible because otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with myself. And I really don't know how to stay happy if I only do things for myself. My happiness comes best when I get to make others happy. 

And I don't at any point expect anyone to do anything in return. I know that's not what most people are. Maybe it's just the people I've met so far, but most people like to only take and never give back. And it's getting quite draining. 

One small example of how I feel like I'm getting drained: Baking: people have stopped returning my Tupperware to me which means that I have to keep buying more Tupperware to keep giving baking for others. I guess the novelty of getting baking from me as a surprise is no longer as special for people. So I have stopped baking. 


But right now, I'm mentally not well at all. I've hit rock bottom with how depressed my life really is. I don't really have any close friends. I guess I have come to the realization that I've been doing all these things to feel validated and appreciated. And that these moments are actually just superficial and fleeting for the recipients. Whereas for me, I pour my heart and soul into every act of kindness and service. 

I know heaps of people, and people know me. People love to hang out if it's for great times but there isn't anyone for me to go and cry with. 

I guess I can pay for a counselor, but even that idea of being so alone that I have pay for someone to hear me cry. That's just really sad to accept that this is what my life is now.  

When people hear what I do with my life now most ask me "How do you do so much with your time?... It's amazing".

The thing is, I do all this because it's the only thing that's stopping me from trying to kill myself.

And it's a moment like this, where no one wants to talk: where I feel like none of it is really worth anything.