i 
feel like i’ve done a lot of progress. have gotten better at not projecting. better at communicating. i know that people act the way they act because of them. not because of me. i know that not everything is personal. i have all this knowledge. i’ve done all the growing. but mood swings. the desire to sh when i’m upset. wanting to escape the pain i’m in, and the only thing i can think of in that moment is suicide. but then i calm down. and i don’t feel suicidal. i’m tired of those mood swings, wanting to literally die but then okay after like an hour. 
i still have that fear of abandonment. the physical fear. that feeling in your chest. the suffocation. it’s still there and intense. it’s so hard to keep positive and shit when i still have to go through that. i want to stop. just give in to all my impulsivities. but i’m so scared of going back to that dark place again. 

i’m starting a relationship with this girl. she’s amazing. we have a lot of hard conversations. we communicate a lot. it’s honestly very good. but when i don’t get a text back after a hard conversation. it makes me dyivpigitztu. right now that’s what is happening. i know she might be busy or this or that. but the urge to spam text. to make her think i’ll leave if she doesn’t give me that attention. and the physical feeling of fear of abandonment. it’s so hard. so im now thinking that to save me from all this pain, i’d be better off not dating someone at all. my brain just always goes crazy about any little thing. and i’m aware that’s what is happening. but i cant stop it.
yeah idk. 
that feeling. the fear of being abandoned. it’s so intense right now. i hate this feeling because it’s irrational.