I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc for at least 4 years now. My parents dimissed me when i said i am depressed. So i used my own money for a therapist. Every session is hell. I am scared, and i cant seem to talk about what my issues. So i stuttered a lot. And it got worse after she wants me to talk about my past trauma. Then a year later, she still hasn't told me my diagnosis, even though i am sure she knows whats going on. I quit therapy a month ago. And i am sure its bpd. But no i am not diagnosed.


My hole life i've been keeping my emotions inside. My parents fight a lot and are emotionally abusive and neglectful. And i am also a sensitive child. It is my fault too, i know better now but then, i couldn't have any control. My childhood trauma resulting me to stay quite at home. Even if my dad is screaming at me, i stay quite. Or even i am injured. I supressed and repressed everything and rarely show any emotions.


At school its better. I have 1 or 2 close friends but i feel like  even my close friends don't really know me. I still rarely show emotions and expressing myself.


I am 22f, i'd say i have serious issues about expressing myself. For the longest time i only wear tshirts and pants. I have problems changing my styles even though i am not happy. Even small things like wearing a necklace, a bracelet, tying my hair, and things like that. When i change it it feels like i don't know who i am, like i am not worthy of change. Like what the heck am i doing. Self care for me is hard. When i am depressed i dont even want to bath. Its sad.


Whenever i try to love myself, i got constant false reminder in my head that i am not worthy of that love. And that there is no point on making the effort. Until my breakdown 6 montha ago. I was extremely suicidal, i almost slid my wrist. I was shaking, but forced myself to go to my friend's house. I told her everything about my depression, my meds, my battles, etc. 4 months after that she is still asking me how i am doing, how i am feeling etc. Then a week ago i finally feel safe enough to talk to her about how i hate myself so much, about my self harm,  my paranoia, and about my frequent suicidal ideation. I have had a talk about this to my other friend, but she ended up leaving me alone, and after that i try to keep everything a secret. But this friend right here is different. I feel like she accepts me and that is such a big thing for me. I can see it in her eyes that she cares, and want to know more so that i can be better. I can truely see it. 


And that kinda debunked my thoughts that i don't deserve love. But at the same time, i dont know where to start. I need to fix my self esteem, care more about my appearance, learn to expressed myself, learn to have a personality and maybe start not being a loser. Also hopefully i dont scare her off or even burden her in any way.