I had a moment the other day when I felt like all of the work I'm doing in counseling (DBT) that is supposedly to help me was just for the benefit of other people, to make me more palatable to them. That mindfulness and the ability to be more effective doesn't help _me_ it just makes it easier for other people _to be around me_. Anyone else feel this way at time?

Like, if I can stop acting out a rage, or stop saying the things that come into my head, that doesn't stop the feelings of rage, or stop me from having those thoughts. And for me, that's the real torment at times. So, part of me, in my perfect internal logic feels like if I'm tormented internally, people should be aware of it, and all this counseling to get me to control how I interact is just sweeping the problem under the rug.

Which is so obvious, right?! Soooooo I brilliantly call my counselor and leave a nasty message to this effect that ended, "And *you're in on it!*" (click). Ooops. I don't have a lot of people in my life, especially in my corner, and I go and lash out at the one person who has been helping and cheering me on.

I emailed an apology this morning. They wrote back to say they had just heard my voicemail and were unable to come up with anything effective to respond with at the moment, but that they would get back to me after they reflected on it.

However, they did point out that if that was my understanding of things, then I didn't understand DBT very well, which... Kinda pisses me off, too. I've been asking that we do more skills work and telling them I felt like I didn't understand it and getting book recommendations and stuff... so - to be called out for that - when I feel like it's up to them to instruct me in that - and _I'm the one asking for more information_ - kinda sucked.

Not sure what I'll do if they drop me as a patient. Thanksgiving is coming up and I can't go home this year so I'm trying to plan ahead. Bleh. I sound like a complete ahole now that I'm typing this... I don't have a specific question - just relating my experience - and maybe a blanket "DAE?" Thanks for reading.

Edit:  pronouns