Sorry to the mods if my tagging isn’t correct format please don’t delete my post I tried, I’m not used to that kinda thing and I didn’t see a format under the rule for tagging, please I’m really in a bad place I need advice please don’t prevent me from getting this out.

I seriously just spent the last 7 hours, 11 pm to 6 am now, reading and rereading and rereading the comments section on a single YouTube video I had put on for a quick laugh before sleep. I’m supposed to drive my spouse to work in an hour and a half, then try to make some money myself doing deliveries. 
 
I haven’t had a single stretch of sleep longer than 3 hours in over a week and I’ve all but stopped eating. Idk how much longer I can do this rn. I feel like I’m breaking. People think my BPD has been better because I’ve been stable but really I’ve just gotten way better at hiding it. I’ve still been making shitty impulsive decisions just doing it more in secret and I’ve felt emotionally numb and dead inside ever since quarantine began, maybe even a few months before that. I fucking hate it. I literally have such little emotion I’m afraid of myself because I feel like I don’t reliably know right from wrong right now and I can do anything off an impulse. When I do start to feel anything, it comes out of fucking nowhere and is so intense I feel like I’m going to explode and I can’t even fucking tell what emotion I am having! It’s just vague intensity almost like a panic attack but not one. Or maybe it is hell idk it doesn’t feel like I’m used to if it is. 

I’m becoming increasingly forgetful all of a sudden, never remembering to lock my car anymore, while also not remembering to grab my wallet instead leaving it right there on the seat in a neighborhood where car break-ins are common. 

Felt the urge to cut again a few times recently for the first time in a very long time just so I can feel something. Alternately when I’m having that exploding vague emotion feeling I want to cut because it used to calm me and center me during panic attacks but it’s such a fucking horrible non coping mechanism I know logically I don’t want to do it even though the urge keeps getting worse and worse. 

I can’t tell why I’m not eating. A mix of factors I suppose. My stomach has been wrecked with stress I’m having trouble feeling and recognizing though I’m sure it’s there under the surface I assume while I also have been having massive body image issues lately and horrible dysphoria as the pandemic has put me in a situation where we are living with extended family including my dad who I can’t bring myself to come out to even though I’m out to everyone else in my life. Not to mention the pain of constantly feeling like I’m starving seems to be making it impossible for my mind to dwell to long on any of the thousands of horrid thoughts in my head. 

 I feel so alone. I feel so, so disconnected from everyone and from reality right now. I keep splitting on everybody. One minute feeling like my spouse is an angel I don’t deserve and the next feeling that she is the cause of everything wrong in my life and ready to divorce her. Similar feelings about parents and friends. 

I’m so fucking broke and in debt and can’t afford therapy at the moment. But I’m going to try to shoot my therapist a text today and then try to save up for a session or two after I get a couple more things paid off.

Has anyone here ever tried mood stabilizers before? I have heard they can help with BPD but I don’t know anything about them. Old therapist that had me diagnosed with anxiety and depression sent me to a psychiatrist that put me on sertraline and klonopin and they fucking ruined my life at the time. I begged the psych to not give me the Klonopin script because of my addictive personality and past xanax addiction but she was a bitch to me and gave it to me anyways and I abused it just like I knew I would. 

My currentish therapist who I haven’t seen since lockdown I specifically picked because she was all about trying to help through therapy without meds, and she’s the one who finally diagnosed me properly, but I’m starting to think I really might need to be on something just nothing that can be addictive. I know sertraline is an SSRI, is that the same thing as a mood stabilizer ? I hated it, it’s also been horrible for 2 out of 3 of my friends who have been on it. I don’t wanna feel like that again but I want to feel something and I want to be stable. If that is the same as a mood stabilizer maybe I just need to try a different one?

Any insight into anyone’s experience with mood stabilizers would be greatly appreciated so I can bring it up to my therapist and see what she thinks and if she knows an actual good psych she can refer me too.  

Like I just told my spouse as I vented to her a minute ago, my emotions feel like they’re completely on mute and I feel nothing with random bursts of unknown emotions hitting an 11 out of nowhere. I fucking hate it. I wnna be at a 5. I want to feel SOMETHING but I don’t want to feel EVERYTHING so intense either. I just want to feel “normal” I can’t even remember if I’ve ever felt that way. I feel like I’ve been dealing with these issues at least since age 9. I remember next to nothing prior to that age except a few traumatic events and a couple happy memories from my childhood.

In the mean time if anyone has any good coping mechanisms for me for any of the problems I’ve described especially the intense emotions out of nowhere please let me know. I haven’t seen  my therapist since lockdown started. She helped me talk through my traumatic past and figure out a lot of what my issues are and what I was feeling, but the coping mechanisms were somewhat lite as just the talking was such a huge improvement for me and our plan was to talk through all those issues first then start work with DBT but lockdown hit before we got there and life has been so weird and intense ever since I completely neglected my mental health just thinking foolishly that getting things off my chest had fixed me somehow. God I’m so naive sometimes.  

If anyone takes the time to read this and offer any advice I appreciate you more than you could possibly know. ❤️ 

And just so no one is overly worried I don’t think I’m an immediate physical danger to myself, I’m holding it together but the cracks are forming though. But I have successfully resisted cutting so far and I haven’t been suicidal in a very long time, I’ve had 2 massive heart attacks that nearly killed me in recent years so I’m pretty terrified of dying to be honest as much as life exhausts me and even though I used to be suicidal constantly when I was younger. And I’ve never thought about hurting anyone else, even if I am completely enraged at someone else I always just take it out on myself. Like I’ll yell at someone (extremely rarely) but if my anger wants to get physical I’ll go find a place to be alone and punch a wall or steering wheel , or sometimes just scream, until I start crying. 
 
Sorry for the long ass post y’all. Promise I won’t make another anytime soon just needed to get this off my chest to someone who gets it and need some advice. Thank you all and I hope you’re all doing well.