I am terrified that I can’t be close to people because I’m stuck between two extremes. I can either take care of myself completely, or I can have someone else take care of me. I much prefer the first one, but it prevents me from being close to other people. I have to put walls up that make me emotionally distant from everyone in my life. 

It’s like my brain is programmed incorrectly and believes that it can just give up on self-care once I have someone else close to me. When people do nice things, it’s scary for me, because I’m so worried I will get used to them doing nice things that I will grow to rely on that instead of just doing things for myself. I understand, on some level, that in healthy relationships, people develop routines and do things for others, but the problem is that I absolutely cannot cope well when that routine is broken. 

It is terrifying to believe I might need to have permanent guards up if I want to prevent myself from getting into another codependent situation.  I just want to stop operating in extremes.