i'm so tired i don't think i can adequately put my feelings into words, but, i guess i'll try. i have had long-covid since september, 2020. beyond general fatigue... every meal sends me straight into misery. full stop. my body gets heavy, my mind numbs and scatters, and i just feel like i'm not even myself. it becomes so difficult to be happy. and i have to go through this just about every single day. nobody believed me last year. i was harassed by my family and made to feel worthless and as if i were making it all up. the depression and isolation accumulated to the point where i snapped and hit myself, causing a concussion. not what i needed. but i just had zero support and i couldn't take it. that was last june. i developed post-concussion syndrome—yet another long-term affliction. now, my memory randomly goes, my thinking can get sluggish, and i get very self-conscious, because i'm aware of how lesser i am than i should be. i can tell what i've lost and i can't come to terms with it.

there are moments of clarity. december and half of january were good months. then the stinging head pains began again, and i'm just not happy. i can't concentrate. i can't live like this. i can't enjoy many of the things i used to. i can't carry conversations the same way. i feel so broken and ruined sometimes. i've had to live like this for far too long, and it feels like there's never any respite.

i suppose that's life. no one's guaranteed a good time. there are plenty who've perished from covid, but i'm still here. it's obliterated a lot of my hope. i feel like the average person deludes themselves every day. but at least they get to live comfortably within that delusion. you see all those comments on posts here—"it'll get better!" "you'll find somebody!" not necessarily true. there will always be those who fall through the cracks. there are even people doing well in life who won't be here tomorrow. i guess it's never truly been about us, as individuals. as much as each of us focuses on ourselves and our own pain... i'm so close to deleting this. but, whatever. post. thanks for reading.