I’ve always been searching for a reason for why I am the way I am. My pattern and cycle of relapse seemed never ending. I’ve spent 6 years avoiding all triggers such as dating. That’s how I’ve coped with life. So it’s not been much of w life hiding from everything. 

I’ve been to several therapists. When I was 18 I suspected I had bpd but my therapist (she was a horrible woman) shrugged me off and I just coped with these symptoms thinking most of it was normal but everyone just sucks it up. I had to be stronger. Why wasn’t I strong enough to live life like everyone else? 

Idk what it was that made me revisit the idea of bpd. I think I just noticed my episodes were getting worse and closer together. 

I came here and I relate to (nearly) every single post. I finally feel like I’m not alone. Everything I say someone goes “YES ME TOO”. And I’m so happy about that. 

 But now I’ve been staying up til about 4am looking over posts to I guess give me more evidence I have it to something. Also I just feels good to read them. And my irritability is explosive. I always kept things inside. All emotion. I was very controlled.ignored it. Now I think I have an answer I feel like I’m feeling everything. childhood trauma is present at the surface. I don’t feel myself even tho I’ve never rly known myself. I have no control. I think everything I’ve been covering is coming up again. I cry nearly every night. 

I’m worried and overthinking that this’ll end up with me in hospital, and that’s just how it’ll have to be. Suicidal thoughts and that crushing loneliness is so much more intense. 

I just lie in bed and wish I could disappear. I never used to be this… apathetic? Some anxiety is gone cause I just don’t care what happens to me rn. 

And they’re not gonna believe me guys.  I’ve tried reaching out again and again “help me I’m not ok” and they don’t. They just don’t. They tell me I’m a liar. They tell me I have an overactive thyroid (I dont) or normal teen hormones making me suicidal (when I was assessed at 18 I am now 26). That’s why I think I’ll end up in hospita for anyone to take me seriously. I’m so tired and angry.