I was going to write this yesterday, but after a long, back and forth yes-no session, I kept icing the idea. Anyway, I guess I'll try and see where it goes.

The event that triggered me to post something is that right now I'm living my rare moments of determination and a vague feeling of a sense of purpose. That alone would not be so exciting, but the more I read this subreddit, the more I came across the recurring theme of *I thought I was alone with this*. We ask many questions, vent a lot, but is there ever an answer? I'm sure some people get rolling by the motivational speeches, videos and experiences, and that is great, but most of us feel beyond help. We want it, but we don't even know what we want.

*Stand up!*
I should, but it's too hard.
*Forget her/him!*
You are right, but I just can't.
*Go out and make a difference!*
I will! Tomorrow. Maybe...
*What do you want from us, then?*
Just tell me, please!
*Tell you what?*
I don't know.

So, yeah, my own experience is that finding a solution in answers is near impossible. Maybe the questions are wrong, I don't know. What I do know, however, that knowing you are not alone, that there is at least one other person like you out there can help a little. It's still up to us, to make a difference, but we don't have to feel like we are going up against the whole World.

**Determination** It's never a long lasting feeling, and it gets chipped away every day unless you can refuel yourself somehow, but these are the one and only times I feel I can truly shape my life. It's like a window of opportunity. A week or so I made a thread about a girl, got some nice replies, then deleted it. I felt like shit; I've found myself at an all time low. Emptiness, dread, false hopes, all that jazz. I even made sure that before I leave town, I utterly destroy my relationship with the only person who made me happy, but more on that later.
However, once I arrived, met with other people on the course (a study course, where you have a chance to get promoted eventually) and was presented with the seemingly impossible task of having to learn a crazy amount of stuff, I felt... I felt this determination once again. It was 2 and a half years ago, I was enlisted to my first training course, and learned so much more about life and possibilities thanks to that new city and the people I've met. No, I did not make long lasting friendships, but I've got the chance to learn many life stories, and I wanted to make my own. That, and a deep cut into my heart made me go on a rampage and headbutt through walls I never thought I could climb over. Can't say that all the credits are due to me, but hey, if some people were nice enough to help me, I guess they liked me a bit.

Now, here I am with even bigger walls to face and an even deeper cut in my heart. I'm not saying this is the universal formula to get yourself rolling, and no way in hell I would go through the past ~2-3 weeks again, just to feel motivated after it, but that shit has already happened, and I might as well do something with this... state of mind.

Don't confuse determination with happiness, though. I'm still a wreck inside. My mind still wanders off, and that cold hand that kept squeezing my heart in the past weeks is still here. It has the weirdest timings; like, I can be in the middle of laughing with other people, and it just decides that now's the time to unleash the feeling of chronic emptiness on me. People don't recognize it, as it's just a split second that my laughing face turns into a reflection of all the sadness and fear inside of me.
So, yeah, I'm still getting stabbed repeatedly, but at least I'm moving now. For now.

**Intelligence** Are you guys intelligent? Were you told so? Do you think so? Can we even answer it? I don't know, but I was raised by a narcissist and many traits of him had been infused into me. I was constantly told that I am very smart and intelligent, and I have a bright future. I believed it. I always felt special. I always thought that the things I think about, the way I approach things, the way I treat people are special. No, you could not get away with it, only me. Because I'm special. That's me. Even when I was forced into my first proper work instead of being able to go to the university I did a lot to get into, I was told the management will pick me up within a week. Such a mind like mine? Surely.

They didn't though. I was there nearly a year doing the same stuff *ordinary* people did. What a big fucking surprise: I'm just a random face in the crowd like anyone else.

It really helped me reach the state of determination when I was talking with a good friend of mine who is a few weeks from becoming a dentist. He said I'd be surprised how many idiots are about to doctorate, but quickly added that those people had the will to sit down in their dorm for 10 hours for days and weeks on and just study. I really needed to hear that. Do I still feel like special, after Life dragged me down the dirt road? I should not, but I do. I consider myself *smart*, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. It's all about willpower. If you can study something in 2 hours instead of 10, good for you. But if you don't have the willpower to do it, you'll be that intoxicated guy in the pub every damn night, telling others how promising you were. I know people like that.

I'm not sure if I'd ever be content though. I want to do something that matters. I want to be someone who matters. I want to earn more and more, even if I don't even want to buy anything.

**Meeting new people** How do you do it? I don't know. I tried to be extremely self-aware of where I might go wrong when being in the introductory phase with my course-mates, but once again, the same thing happened. I established some bonds with my silliness, though this time (sadly) I could not find a proper partner who was really into it; I established one strangely strong bond with someone, who is probably attracted to my extremely trustworthy and reliable nature; and I am as invisible as ever.
- The "joker" part doesn't really requires much explanation. I just like it when someone is on the same silliness level as me, so we can keep goofing around and make everyone cry of laughter. I consider myself funny, but it's really hard without a person I just detailed.
- The trustworthy aspect is probably the one thing that kept around the friends I (probably) still have for this long. I can be an extremely toxic and straight out unbearable person to be around, but I can be just as attached. I'm like the perfect right hand guy for people. Even this new guy I only knew for 30 hours were about to come after me (despite he could've been closed out from the dorm if did so) on the one night I started splitting and just randomly went into the city, because I decided that I want a fucking gyros, and fuck everyone who can't understand that and keep telling me to just order a pizza. It was an extremely nice surprise, that the moment I arrived back sad and angry he was already coming down the stairs.
I mean, I know the moment the course will end, we won't keep in touch, but still. I take a temporary friend over the things I endured in the previous weeks.
- All things considered, however, I'm still invisible. People just don't want to interact with me on a completely casual level. Basically, I'm just not an attractive person for some reason, and this is the one thing I really can't explain why. My best guess is that I just radiate insecurity, so confident people just magnet others away from me. It doesn't really trouble me that much, but I'm not too happy about it either.

Other than being thrown into the middle of a bunch of strangers, I don't know how you make new friends, but I don't even need many acquaintances. I'm more than happy with a few but good friends, than having dozens of people I could always talk about random stuff.

**Friends** I do have some friends, or at least the remnants of them. I reached out to some of them, but I did not want to overdo it. It's important to know about this determined state that it will fade away eventually, and the more weight you put on your shoulders, the harder it will be to carry once the *drug* evaporates. Right now, I'd like to write to 5 other people to arrange a meeting or something, but I have to be patient. Five more people I resumed contact with can potentially be 5 more people who eventually drop contact once again, and then I just set myself up for a higher fall.

I'm not even sure who really likes me anymore. There was this girl who was my favorite person at the first two years of high-school. Long story short, I destroyed both of us, and ever since I matured a bit, I occasionally imagined a scenario where we meet ~10 years after those events, and we just pick up the thread where we left it, but without all the stupid drama I caused. But a year ago or so I was told that when I was once invited to a group-chat, she felt so strange because it was like talking with a total stranger, referring to me. We eventually talked, but as you probably guessed, it was as casual as a talk could be. The person I was once so close with, being trusted with her biggest secret, yet that last time we just asked around about work. It did not crush me, but it was a good reminder from Life, that some things are just not fixable.

I really don't deserve the few people who still talk to me, even if they consider me a good friend of theirs anymore, but hey, if I can't even keep them around, how could I possibly hope to make future relationships?

I remember, in high school, every time I got drunk, I kept asking my friends if they consider me their friend, and then I asked them who was their best friend. That's right, the hunger for validation never ceases. Oh, I'm your friend? Great, but am I your *best* friend?! I need to hear it!
Part of this was the usual search for identity in teenagers, but it was also definitely a warning sign of things to come.

I don't even know who my best friend is. All I can think about is that the people I consider to be my good friends are probably going out with others frequently. And I'm just... there. In their phone, on their FB list, in their memory, but that's all, they moved on. And I think I should accept it, but the thought of it is so sad. The guys we did so much stupid stuff together are now doing it with others. I'm jealous. I even got emotional now.

But I can be happy for their success, really. A friend of mine got into a very, very serious relationship, like, it's not unlikely he will marry her eventually. And I'm so proud, I swear. And once he told me that he spoke about me to her and I should meet her sometime. What's tear inducing if not this? But then it got me thinking. Do I really want to meet with her? I'm sure he only said great things about me, but I just can't live up to that person anymore. I just can't get to be presented as his good friend, when I'm like... this. Bringing shame to myself is not new, but I would not want to do it to him. On one hand, I hope he never brings it up again, but on the other, it would feel awesome. I don't know.

**Validation** Isn't everything about this? I feel like I have some strong personality traits, and even if they are bad ones (like being stubborn as a freakin' donkey), I have always tried my best to hold onto these, because it's all I know I am. It's the one thing  I can always return to and start building from. Everything else? Up to the current. A girl says he likes guys with beards? You can bet your ass that I am growing it. I should be more serious? Let's do it, no more goofy stuff. Need a guy who is there for you? Funny you should say, let me show you my Superman vest! Need a guy who can give you free space? That's me right there! Totally!

I also need to be reminded constantly that I'm doing good. I'm afraid of new things and need to be pushed forward periodically. There are exceptions though, when something triggers my determined state. For example, when a band I really like is touring, then I don't care how will I do it, I will go. If alone, then alone, if skipping work, then by doing so, but I'll go. I really like myself those times and I wish I could personally turn this switch on for more things. 

**Love** I might be a bad person, but I always feel like I have a lot of love to give. I honestly think that not being able to release it hurts me the most. I'm in my mid 20s and I haven't even been with a girl yet (despite many times I really think I'm actually not that bad looking), so you can imagine the frustration. Yes, there's a sexual frustration as well, but even though I know having an SO would not solve all my problems and it would even add new ones, at least I could open the gates of my heart and drown someone with love. 

This sub, probably by the nature of BPD, is more dominated by girls, so I know for the vast majority of them, the problem is not getting someone, but actually being with them, but the guys probably get what I'm talking about here.

I really need a partner. I can be so fucking petty when I see couples... They annoy me.  They are like the embodiment of happiness. I have many wounds needing to be fixed, and I have many tools to fix others' wounds. And still, I'm just here on my own. This is definitely at the center of my life, the queen of validations. I am so curious what could I possibly be if just for once, someone could break my chains. I can get up early in the morning, I can groom myself, I can pursue my goals, I can try to keep my friendships repaired, I can find happiness in the little things of life, I can even try to love myself a little, but I can not love myself for someone else.

Never say never, but there are barely any threads to hold onto when it comes to me and love.

**Martyr** I think we love being that, at least I know I do. I always imagined myself like some lone manga character, standing at the edge of a hill with his black cape which is caught in the winds and staring into the emptiness. Then my friends *slapped* me, and told me to come the fuck drinking, so the whole thing just lost its dramatic effect. But when there are no friends around, there is no one to hold be back from falling into self-pity.

Attacking this has always been a crucial point before I could get determined. It was never conscious; all of them came from seeing disabled people living their life. It's hard to keep thinking we are literally the unluckiest people alive, when I see a young, blind girl slowly taking off from the bus, or a girl at my age reading a book and smiling on the bus while being in a wheel-chair.

First, I pity them and I'd like to just... help somehow, though I'm afraid to ask, I don't want to be rude. And then I think, and realize how hard it could be for these people, yet they are going forward. No, I don't care about "eat your food, people starve in Africa", but this is different.

I wish I could just sit next to one of them and talk, but I'm too afraid. Maybe, eventually... not sure.

**Her/Him** My last (eventually deleted) thread was written in a tone where I would crawl to this girl, because I was so afraid of losing such a good friend. Things happened since then, because I had a moment of clarity, when I initially switched to this determined state, in which I handle things differently. I don't try to reason, I'm not bombarding people with emotions... no, I'm confident, and if I am splitting, then I am sure as hell not just see, but pant things black or white. So I did. I decided I gave her weeks to hate me, yet she's still hanging on for some reason, so I absolutely grinded her. I'm really scary when I behave like that. An animal, if you like. Just like my father. He would've been proud - he completely broke down a beautiful young girl in less than 20 years.

Anyway, she finally told me off and now... silence. She told me I can't define myself in her, and she's feeling like shit to begin with, so she doesn't have the strength to give me the attention I require. And that I'm just too much. Way too much.
Maybe she'll contact me, maybe she won't, who knows. In case she won't, I wrote her some sort of farewell message, because I couldn't bear the thought that we ended everything on such a bad note. The last time this happened, I thought it will be hard to get her out of my head. Now I know I can't, ever. Right now, what helps me cope, is that I want the best for her, and the best for her is me staying as far as possible.

I do think about her a lot, of course. I do check if maybe *now* she'll contact me. And once I get tired once again, the crippling thoughts and feelings will return. It's in my best interest to prepare myself for that, and by the time it comes to haunt me, I'll have something or someone to lean on a little.

I could write a whole book for this paragraph, but what's the point. I think all of you can relate. I'd give everything and more if in a different life I could be everything she needed me to be. In this life, I could not even be what I wanted to.

**Falling Apart** Because sometimes I just fall apart. The things I got into to make myself better, to make my life good just... won't interest me. I will lose my drive. The night I'll cry into my pillow will come. 
I used to think I was unbreakable, that this is just *me*. I'm just the guy who carries the burden of the World but never falters. But recent events warned me that I'm no exception to the rule that says everything and everyone can be worn down. When I have to hide my eyes in a McDonalds in midday so I won't start crying, that's a good indicator that I am losing this battle. Yeah, eventually I always tried and managed to get up, but what if a day comes when I just can't? As I said, I'm in my mid twenties, so that's not exactly old, yet I feel most of what life can offer is behind me. It took one slip up which was not even my fault and I just fell into the depths. Like when you are drowning and every time you manage to get back a little to the surface, you can see the people you went swimming with are getting farther away from you with each passing moment.

It's like I'm playing catch up. Everything I set out to do or achieve are things I should've done or been through years ago. It is extremely demoralizing. It is hard to take your goals and achievements seriously. It is hard to take yourself seriously.

**Therapy** I read mixed things about therapy. Some swear on it, while others say they invested a lot of money into many therapists and they are still where they began. I'm not an expert, so I don't want to give advice to anyone. If I'd earn more money, maybe I'd give it a chance, but right now, I don't see how it could help me. I know the only way is forward. I know I can be/am a terrible person. I know I need to change. I know I learned to let go and live with my losses. I know I'd never believe your concern for me is genuine. 

The number 1 thing a therapist would tell me is probably to love myself. Which I heard a million times before - most likely because it's true. Great. I can't, except for some rare moments. What now?
You say if I love myself, others will love me too. I say if others will love me, I will love myself. What now?

Sure, if I'd break for good, I don't think I'd have any other choice but to seek professional help.

**The child inside* /u/dreamer_boy mentioned something strangely relateable, which I completely forgot myself.

&gt;It's worth trying some inner child work to start to see where these feeling come from. If you get in touch with your IC you start to feel that terrified, lost little child that feels unloveable and unwanted. It's like its frozen in time and you need to start hugging it and warming it up so it feels safe to come into the now. But I've found it really difficult to embrace the child when it feels so unsafe, terrified in fact. Its why I live a life of distraction, unable to face up to the desolation inside me.

So true. Some of my happiest moments are when I can be childish. Reacting over the top for cute animals, playing/goofing with little children or just doing idiotic stuff. I get immersed in myself and I know others find it strange at best. It's even harder imo as a guy, because there are a lot of expectations to be fit into. Taking pictures of a teddy bear dressed up with sunglasses and stuff is not among them, haha.

I remember, the first time I realized I'm carrying my inner child with me was when I was listening to The Fragile from NIN. It has been my favorite song for ~10 years now, but usually the one *I* was singing it to was my actual favorite person. But when I was listening to it in a time when I had no such person in my life, it still felt emotional, and all I could picture is me singing it to the little girl inside of me. And girl is not a typo, whenever I visualize or even write about my emotional side, I always pair it with a girl or a woman. It's easier to express myself. I also have a lot of *girly* traits, like being labeled a drama queen among many so there's that too.

**Suicide** Was only contemplating it once, when I had nothing. No money, no home, feeling betrayed by my own parents and life. I had rather lay in front of the train than lose my last bit of dignity as well. But my absolute dead-last attempt to survive worked. I slowly crawled back into life, and though I thought about it many times just how great it would be to pull the plug, I never actually thought about doing anything that physically harms me. 

If you are feeling suicidal though, you should not stop seeking help at just here. Offing yourself is one mistake you can never recover from.

**Other**
/u/Seeboystrange talked about friends and friendships and honestly, I don't know if I want to tell about this BPD thing to them. All my life I felt I was a fucking downer, even though I was the jester most of the time. Still, I brought drama into everything, and I just feel I'd rather have a casual *drink 2 beers* meeting with a friend of mine, then dropping the bomb. Then again, I'm curious what he might say. He's always been so insightful... but I want to be treated equal which is already hard when he is finishing his doctorate and I'm just... yeah. I mean, he was the one I ran to before my nervous-breakdown during the period of my parents divorce, so he knows really good I'm unstable, but still. As much as I know I need help, I don't want to make everything about me.

But I don't think any of us are not worthy. It's really sad that what most of us need is a long, cry-heavy hug. I mean, right now I'm actually doing stuff, trying my best to juggle as many things as I can, but secretly, I wish someone would stop me for half an hour, hug me and let me hug her. Oh, well, I guess that someone is more like a definitive one.

Whatever, I had many things in my, but I kinda forgot most of it, and even the stuff I wrote about are disorganized. I like to write, but I just can't do it on my own, because every time I finish something, I'd just like to show it to her. Even when I had a small following, who read my stories or writings, which felt amazing, I looked out to the *crowd* and after not seeing her there I just lost interest. Same way I kinda lost interest in this text as well, but typed it out anyway.