Hi guys

So I have a newish job -- well I've worked at this place for years but I have a new position. I've been at it for just a few months. I love it. I am learning lots of new things, I love the people I work with, it's been a great fit for me.

There is a pretty steep learning curve, though. We are using some data visualization software that I've never used before, and I'm learning SQL. Yesterday was the first time I tried to use the software -- I tried to create a measure. It didn't quite work, but that was okay, I just put the words "In Development" in the name so that everyone would know it's not finished.

Well, here's the problem: I came in this morning and discovered that one of the already created measures was obviously wrong - and then looked at the code and realized it was MY shitty code. I had edited the wrong thing. And it's out there on the internet, where everyone who works at my job could potentially see it. I panicked. I could feel my face turning red, my heart was in my throat, oh fuck not the tears, NO YOU WILL NOT CRY AT WORK. STOP THAT. I couldn't stop the tears. I started crying, panicking. I went in the bathroom, tried to calm down, washed my face off with water. Went back. Started an email to the software guy to get his help. As soon as I typed his email address in, the tears started to come again. 

Finally I went outside again, and called a friend/mentor I know from my 12 step program. She talked me down, I was crying so hard I could barely talk but she just told me to keep breathing, and then said to go back inside and find the guy's phone number and call him. So I did, and luckily he picked up and I explained what happened. He was super cool and said no worries, we'll fix it. 

I then emailed my boss telling her what happened.

I took a break after that and then came back. My boss didn't respond to the email but I saw her later and she just smiled, said it's no big deal, it happens, "learning curve," etc. She was not bothered at all. I played it off of course, laughed about it, I told her I panicked but that was it. 

So now it's after 10pm and I just got home from going to the movies with my friends. I feel okay about the situation, logic has eased back in and I realize that it was a simple mistake that anyone could make, and it's not a big deal. No real harm done. 

But what bothers me, is my response. The fact that I knew, in my mind, that this is not the end of the world, I wasn't going to get fired, nobody was going to die because of my mistake, the company was not going to crumble because some data was being misrepresented on a web page, but I could not stop the flood of emotions, the panic attack, the fight or flight response. I was not in any actual danger, yet my emotional response was as if I a child being abused again. Even once I had talked to my boss, the rest of the afternoon I felt a mixture of dissociative numbness and panic. I dared not do anything else in that app - I had some important emails to send out so I did that, but beyond that all I did was basically sit and stare at my computer for a couple of hours. 

And now I'm exhausted, emotionally. I feel like crying - sobbing hard and maybe throwing something glass - but I don't have the energy for that. 

I know this is long, so I thank you if you have read this far. I appreciate this sub being here. As problematic as it is, I'm grateful the diagnosis of BPD exists. It helps to know there's a name for all this madness, that it's not just me. Take care all. Replies are welcome.