This is my (31F) story of progress. Maybe it can be of help, or at least give you a glimmer of hope that things can get better even when everything feels impossible.

I've struggled with anxiety since I was a kid, and have also dealt with depression and PTSD for the past decade or so. During this time, I tried at least 8 prescription drugs for anxiety/depression, countless over-the-counter treatments, and self-medicated through drugs and alcohol. I was also in counseling off and on. 

Nothing seemed to work, and I was just getting worse.

Things came crashing down in August of this year, when a medication change caused me to become actively suicidal and I checked myself into the emergency room.

Going to the hospital was scary, but I'm thankful I went. I chose not to stay in inpatient, but going there allowed me to get a referral to an intensive outpatient program (IOP). It was also a catalyst for me to get into more consistent therapy and start seeing a psychiatrist for med management.

Before going into the details of what finally worked for me, I first want to thank this subreddit for their advice when I got referred to the IOP. I was afraid to attend and worried that I wasn't "bad enough" to need it. I now realize that I ABSOLUTELY needed it. But at the time I was in denial and this subreddit helped encourage me to give it a chance. So thank you, you very well might have saved my life.

Here's what I did after going to the ER (after crying a lot, forcing myself to eat soup, showering, and sleeping):

1. I leaned into my support system harder than ever before - I didn't feel safe being alone for a few weeks, so during this time I had to rely on my husband and best friend to always be there with me. This was a huge challenge for me, as I felt completely unworthy of their love at this time.

2. I got professional help. I signed up for Better Help to get a counselor in the short term while I searched for a local therapist and psychiatrist. I was also seeing my primary Dr. during this time and a social worker was calling to check on me.

3. I took a couple weeks off work. I used FMLA to do this, after my paid time off ran out it was unpaid, but still totally worth it.

4. I started attending an intensive outpatient program. The IOP I went to consisted of 6-8 weeks of 3-hour group therapy sessions 3 times a week. For 9 hours every week I was in a safe place with people going through similar things to me. In this group I learned how to speak about myself and my anxiety, I learned coping skills, and practiced DBT. I can't stress enough how pivotal this program was in my recovery.

5. I tried new medications with the guidance of a psychiatrist. The first couple weren't right, but we finally landed on a combo that, for me, was life-changing. I'm going to share it here, but please know that everyone is different and just because it worked for me, doesn't mean it'll work for you. The big takeaway here is that I found a psychiatrist that truly listened to me and understood my needs.

Here's my winning combo: Wellbutrin and Propanolol. Wellbutrin can be an incredible med for depression and really helps with energy and motivation. BUT it can increase anxiety. I had tried it in the past with Zoloft and it made me shaky and agitated. That's where Propanolol comes in. It's a drug for high blood pressure, but it can also help reduce the physical sensations of anxiety - heart pounding, feeling flushed, fast breathing, etc. For me, it allows me to consciously recognize when I'm beginning to feel anxious without getting overwhelmed by physical symptoms. So I'm able to rationally think about what I can do to handle the situation.

This was my turning point.

6. I quit my stressful and unfulfilling job. This was something I'd known was the right thing to do for a long time, and once I was on the right medication, I finally had the courage to take the leap.

7. I found a new job that's below my pay grade but is rewarding and easy. This is what I need right now, and that's ok. Life is too short to stay at a soul-sucking job.

That's more or less it. I got help, I got meds, I found a new job. That's my progress, and it feels incredible. Things aren't perfect - I had a panic attack while bringing my car in for an oil change yesterday. But I know how to cope now and I'm able to advocate for myself and my needs like I never did before. And I no longer want to die. That's got to count for something, right?

I hope this long post will be of help to someone. I'm happy to answer any questions about my experiences!