I wrote this when I was feeling a bit intense. Sorry about the expletives.

My self-diagnosis started with the conclusion being smiling depression (that always sounded cringey), then depression to then actually getting diagnosed with Cyclothymia leading to Anxiety. And then beleiving over Covid, that I was alright, and it was just a phase instigated by the sudden onset of certain factors. Then still having depressive episodes/periods without any apparent stimuli over Covid, some anxiety and a whole lot of other fucked up ideations. Ending it- probably the only constant over the last almost 3 years... Then comes college, another shitshow. But, atleast I have begun to gather my thoughts and have an understanding of what, if anything's happening. One thing I am fucking sure of, no matter what any-fucking-body says. This IS NOT NORMAL. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

There's another thing I understand: I am not a licensed medical professional. Maybe I am wrong about certain things, but as I said earlier, I AM NOT FEELING GOOD, and it's not just the blues.

I no longer believe that I am depressed, not as the primary condition at least. Coming back to the Cyclothymia, I did not even remember it being mentioned back in highschool, but having went over the prescription agin, it makes a lot of sense, retrospectively of course. Most of my feelings are cyclical. There are time periods, usually lasting a week or so, when I get shit done. I'm lucky if important exams/tests fall within these periods. Again, I have just begun (Around June 2022) to even identify the presence of this pattern. Coming back to being high as a kite (on self esteem), it's not always like I am the king of the world. There are gradations to me feeling euphoric/confident/dedicated too. I feel like I can conquer the world sometimes (eg.: Becoming President of a college committee after devising a good strategy and actually implementing it. I didn't have a chance in hell, but I did it). Sometimes it's just that I have enough motivation to go to college and maybe try studying after that. If there's some left, I might go to the gym. While I'm cycling between these 'Highs' and 'Lows', the extreme ones are rare. It usually ranges between being able to get up in the morning (not that I am very fond of sleeping, I can't see the point of any of this- well that's another story), and going to college and being somewhat normal (socialising and shit). The normal and more frequent lows mean that I may or may not want to get out of the bed, for the day. If I do, I do not want to socialise. I can be irritable. I feel dense, I do not understand things/lectures, and I do not feel the need to even bother about the same. I can't get simple things done, my mind slows down. I can't really function as well as I'd like to. I just try to mindlessly surf the web, to pass some time, for I am not looking forward to the rest of my day. After the day's over, I sometimes also feel regret about it not being productive. I am stuck to mindlessly watching Netflix or YouTube. The real world does not seem interesting enough. Call me cynical.

Usually, all my future plans and decisions are made during the highs. They may or may not be practical, but I am somewhat enthusiastic abou them, A lot of the execution falls within the lows, and unsurprisingly, it has not been very successful recently. I have also been quite impulsive, and idiotic during these highs. For eg, I paid a ridiculously high amount for a luxury haircut today. I go on dumb shopping sprees in these highs. I lose any rational control whatsoever. If this goes on, I'm gonna be fucked. But then again, I already am.

About the lows, I am generally miserable during these, and being the randomly self-aware smart ass I am, I know just how miserable I am, at the moment. As I have reached the middle of this rant, I have already lost interest. But, I must move on, complete this somehow, for I have been contemplating doing this for a long time. And I could only muster the motivation on a random weekend.

The extreme lows are sad. THe last one was around end of June. Didn't leave the room for a week maybe. Mostly in my bed. Call me lazy.

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I often lose my train of thought. It's like my inner monologue is too fast for my brain to remember it. Some times, my brain is not fast enough. Brain freeze is quite frequent. It's either a fast local or the fucking Shakuntala. Whatever's in between is where I am on a good day. 
Never had a hobby. Had a lot of things I was decent at, but didn't pursue any further enough for it to become a hobby. Singing, Skating, Badminton, Football, Art, Cycling... the list goes on. Apart from the uncommon 'good days', I can not concentrate on ... anything. Be it Netflix, YouTube, talking to people or whatever the fuck. Lectures.. what a joke. I just do not have any interest in just about anything. If I do, I lose it fast. I have been a movie-buff for some time, used to be at least. Of the last 100 movies, I actually like 4-5 maybe. That too after skipping a  2 hour movie into oblivion, and finishing it in half the time. Begining to feel like I am also losing my sharpness, academic and otherwise, and my mind.

Maybe it's ADHD, ADD or whatever, or I am just lazy and too priviledged to have any need for motivation. It's possible. I have no surety anymore, when it comes to my own psyche.
Talking about waxing and waning interest in things, today is a day on the better side of things. I am vibing to my music playlist, and my creative juices are flowing enough to write this NOT-a-$ui(ide-note. I also realise that whatever I've written may sound a bit over the top and pretentious, but that's how I am during a 'high'. I am actually surprised that I have not fallen into substance abuse yet. One of the few things I am doing correctly on autopilot.
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I am also very practical, selfish and inconsiderate. Then again, there is a whole range of emotions I do not feel often. I do not really care about anyone, but myself, and this is one of the few things that I am not guilty about, at all. I have been in a big metro city for sometime now, and I am already bored here. I do not enjoy anything other people my age might. I have no sincere interests. I do not feel the need to make many friends, as a result of which maybe, I get a bit lonely sometimes. It's often during the 'lows'. I am also very very private. It's been years since I told anyone how I have actually been feeling. 

I have a pretty ambitious career plan laid out, and I also have all the factors required. All but two- willpower and dedication. Somewhere, I kinda know that I am not going to make it, literaly and figuratively. Even though I am not a believer, I just hope there's something or someone out there that could get me out of this ditch, for I do not intend to stay here for long; I'm getting out, either way. Cryptic much?