I (30M) have come to the realization that I probably have depression, and I've probably been dealing with it on and off for years without realizing it. I have a history of self sabotaging my marriage, probably some underlying feeling that I don't deserve my wife. I often feel like I don't deserve happiness because of how much easier my life was growing up compared to others.

I don't love myself; all I see are the mistakes that I've made, whether in my marriage, personal or professional life. No matter how much encouragement I've gotten I always have a negative thing to counter it, or I start getting defensive. I want to move past my mistakes, but every day I live with the consequences of what seems like so many of those actions or inactions and they continue to affect me. 

I know there are some people that are proud of the mistakes they made because those mistakes "made them a better person" or "made me the person I am today", fuck that. The person I am today is miserable, unhappy and constantly on edge that he's about to fuck something up. I hate the person that made all of those mistakes over the years; that person was stupid, insecure, naive and downright delusional at times. Why should I love somebody like that? Why should anyone?

Every major misstep in my life has been entirely my fault, not life being out to get me like how I used to think in my youth. I have no choice now that I'm older but to accept the fact that those mistakes were mine and mine alone, I can't deflect it onto anyone or anything else, and I hate myself for knowing that I'm responsible for every fuck up I've had.

I alone am the cause of every problem with my marriage, I'm ruining it with my negative thought patterns and low self worth. If I keep this up I lose her and my 4 year old son, and I'll never be able to raise him.

My wife has done all she can to try and encourage me and help, but I've made her reach the end of her rope because of the constant deflection I give her whenever she offers help. She doesn't understand what goes on in my head, she can't. She's not wired the same way as me, and all it does is cause an argument. I've gone through 5 mental health professionals in the last 5 years, and it's impossible for me to stick with one because I move so much through being in the military. I feel alone, my relatives are no help because some of these feelings I have is because of them and I'm becoming something of a black sheep (not relevant to this story).

So many days I feel mentally exhausted, or just waste the day. I don't want to kill myself, but I do want to hurt myself, I've done it before.

I feel guilty for wasting so much of my mom's hard earned money for a college experience that made me miserable, to get a degree that I'm not using for anything. I wanted those things so badly, but now I'm afraid of wanting anything else for fear that it's another mistake, and now I have more to lose than I did in my early 20s.

I feel stuck in life, like I'm just existing. I have no desire to try and push myself to better myself or reach new goals because all I see is more failure like so many other things. I count myself out of any process that says "competitive".

I don't know what to do.