Back when i was a 4 year old kid, i often admire other kids about how they are prettier and friendlier than me. I tried to copy them, i mimicked them, I wanted to be like them so much. I was very insecure and i was only 4 years old. Since then, i figured that i am very sensitive with rejections, and insults. Whenever someone shouts at me, I always try to stop my tears. It was traumazting for me to get shouted at, to get insulted, and to get rejected. I don't know how to make friends, so i followed the kids whom i wanted to be friends with, i was like a stalker, but they rejected me. At the same time, I got bullied in my own house, my brother bullied me. He kept saying that I am so ugly and for him my presence is annoying. He even told me to die. Not only that, but he physically abused me and he orders me around. He is only a year older than me and he was jealous of me because i am the youngest.  

My classmates insulted me as well, they kept telling me that i was ugly, fat, stupid, and no matter I do it will never change the fact that I am ugly forever. Everything that happened is still so clear in my memory. I was a really good person, all I wanted was peace and to have friends, but no one sincerely befriended me. Even by my own bestfriend, I got bullied. I was thinking what's wrong with me, why ppl treat me like I am a fucking trash who doesn't deserve to live, who doesn't deserve friends. Everything that had happened to me resulted me in having social anxiety. I had good grades as a kid but I only did at least 20% I really didn't give my best because i was so sad, I started hating the world, I was like why did I ever exist when the world is not good to me. In grade 4 I cheated, I got really lazy and unmotivated and in grade 5 I had obsessive crush with someone and i compete with my bestfriend who betrayed me because I was so fucking ugly I do not deserve anyone. Everyone in that damn school hated me. I had really bad grades. And all I hear is insults towards me. Ever since then, I hated myself, I had this self hatred, I tried to overcome this extreme shyness, I was trying for like 10 years now but nothing is happening. 

In my high school years all I think about was crush, and think of being loved by them. I was really obsessed with crushes and only to get intensely rejected by one of them, I've been called ugly, stalker, idiot, and whatever the worst would ever define me. I only had like 2-4 friends. I never recite, I never contributed to a group activity. I didn't treat school seriously. In grade 10 I dropped out and transferred. In grade 11 I dropped 3 fucking schools because i have theories that my former classmates might be also studying there and I am avoiding them, seriously I tried to change but nothing happened. 

I wanted to have good grades and beat my stupid brother, my stupid bestfriends, my stupid classmates but no, I didn't do anything other than sulk in my miserable life thinking that I am hopeless, my self hatred is too much, my hatred towards ppl is also too much. I escaped my intrusive thoughts by binge watching, I have no sense of self identity anymore, I don't want to exist but at the same time i am scared of death. I want to exist but do nothing at all, I don't want to participate in the world that is not for me. I was only happy when I was thinking about crush, thinking about something to be obsessed about, that was my happiness. I am now struggling with procrastination, and i don't know what to do. I am rebelling and at the same time abiding. I am stressed thinking that everyone will be mad at me if I get expelled, so I still do my works even if it's too late, even if I don't like what I do.

Now I am pondering about how hopeless I am right now and that I will still come back in my patterns of negative thoughts. It's like I am self sabotaging like showing ppl how miserable I am so they would pity me and maybe they would like me. Seriously fuck society, it's all their fault why I became like this. I was a good person, and all they did was hate me. I get so happy, I get so depressed, and i get so happy. So happy because my crush liked my photo, I even considered it as the happiest day of my life because no one in my history of crushes ever liked my photo. I started to think "MAYBE THEY LIKE ME BACK" and if they ignore me "FUCK THEY HATE ME, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN" and I hate them too. I am like this to every ppl I met and they have no idea. I feel like I am backstabbing my bestfriends for thinking that they hate me if they are ignoring me and I started hating them. That's me now, my 17 year old self. Everyone is having a good time while me I lack social skills, i lack experience in everything, I am not ready for that damn college. In fact I wanted to choose psychology course so that I could feel understood. That's all. 

I wanted to have a good future, and to achieve success. I don't like seeing everyone getting ahead of me and I am being left behind. Everyone is having a good time, having good grades while me, I am this. And it's starting to make me regret. But why am I the person who regrets it? It should be the people who hated me, they should be the ones who's living miserable and not me. It's just so unfair. 

BEING GOOD AND BEING KIND? IT WILL GIVE YOU A MISERABLE LIFE. IT IS NOT WORTH IT

I don't get it, why do u have to be so kind that everyone around you would just hate you? It's stupid and dumb. 

Anyways, I haven't even gone into a therapist bcz my mom said it's expensive, waste of money for a person like me who is just so stubborn. I AM NOTHING WORTH THAN HER DAMN MONEY. 

People around me never noticed my struggling, even my relatives, They just kept asking "why u quiet? don't be quiet". 

I am ashamed of how I look, how I act, my whole damn personality, everything about me, my interests, even my OWN DAMN NAME. I don't have any talents, I got laughed at as a kid when i was dancing, and i used to love drawing, but everyone hated it. I used to be an honor student, but my brother hated me for it and I tried not to be one so he would not hate me. Stupidest thing I've ever done. 

I wish I forget everything that has happened into my life so I would live peacefully without any anxiety and worries. So I would not live with this overwhelming negative thoughts anymore. If that happened, I am sure i would be pretty extroverted with great social skills and maybe I would be having a nice life.

I am not depressed, and I am not happy either. I am tired of trying to make everyone like me, that's it.