I was having a bad night, I was doing everything wrong in an online game, and my self loathing just kept building up to the point where I just wanted to carve into my arm with a pen or a knife. Nothing lethal, just enough to draw some blood and pay the tax of my own self hatred. I decided to get out of the situation and said something like "It's late, and I feel the need to self harm right now, I'm just going to go and sleep things off. I'm sorry I'm so stupid." And left the call... Two of the people started blowing up my phone asking me if I was good or going to be okay, and it just feels off to me. Like, I said self harm, but they were acting like I said I was going to kill myself. In the end they let it go, and I removed myself from the situation early enough where I didn't follow through on my compulsions. 


I'm just having trouble processing things though - like was I the asshole for being transparent and calm in my intents and feelings? I feel like I ruined the night for them, probably killed the mood. I don't want them to waste energy worrying about me, and am debating whether I should be so transparent with close friends in the future. I plan on ending my life once my parents pass away anyways, I know it might hurt them a bit, but I fully believe they'll recover emotionally within 2-3 weeks after it happens. Not sure if being honest will lessen the blow when it happens, or make them feel worse.