hello! 

this is my first post on this sub. i was diagnosed with bpd in 2015 but had already done dbt at that point and *thought* i was probably borderline for a year or so before that. i’ve been incredibly privileged and just straight up lucky in the last year or so and am in recovery from suicide attempts and self injury. i have over two years clean from both. i haven’t had to present to emergency with suicidal thoughts in over 8 months and in that time my suicidal thoughts have mostly dissipated all together. i’ve been suicidal since i was like 10 so this is truly foreign to me but incredibly freeing. 

i’ve started having suicidal thoughts again. not incredibly painful thoughts, yet, but the thoughts roll in and instead of letting them pass i repeat them to myself until “i want to kill myself” feels like a mantra. but last night, in a moment of accessing wise mind, i realized that these suicidal thoughts are telling me something. i haven’t had them in 6 months and now they’re back – i can be curious about why. so while it was still in my head i wrote on my white board “the suicidal thoughts i’m having right now are data – evidence that *fhis* is the time to make changes, set boundaries, and care for myself” because the truth is i have a lot to feel stressed and shitty about right now. i’ve been struggling to end a toxic relationship with someone i’m addicted to for the last two months. i’m really worried about a close friend and have no real boundaries there. i haven’t showered in like a month. there are *lots* of things i can, and should, work on before these suicidal thoughts get bigger or more painful. 

this moment of accessing wise mind really felt like a victory to me. i’m seeing my therapist tomorrow and have so much to talk about. and before that, i bet a shower will feel really nice (no matter how hard it is to get there)

thanks for reading and letting me share