Now I'm 30. I have a disgusting life where absolutely everything has gone bad. Absolutely everything. 

In my youth, I was a completely different person, but endless series of horrors, pain and fears made me close myself. I've always hated to get upset, but when you get upset every moment of your life, you just can't stand it. As a child, I wanted to jump into the car or a train, but a few family members, I was worried about, wouldn't let me do it. I continued to live for them, but I was very dissatisfied with my life. My parents are worst people in all world. Gaslight, addicts, hypocritical pretenders, and liars. They used me, when they needed me, and got rid of me, thinking that I was garbage, in order to pretend again that they love me, and I need them in order to get something from me. 

I had a friend who also added fuel to the fire. He used me to boost his self-esteem. Turned our mutual acquaintances against me, and pretended to be my protector. He pretended to love me, and used me for sex. And then raped. And then I realized that I had enough.

I began notice how I was changing, and I changed myself in order to not be upset anymore, to get rid of my weaknesses so that no one else could use me. I've spent most of my life on this. I isolated myself, to get rid of the negativity. Also, I tried to understand, what was wrong with me, maybe I'm just crazy, if I react to everything like that. And while I tried to rid myself of weaknesses, I tried to understand them. It was very long and painful. I tried different things, I did different things, I made many mistakes, I caused to people many problems and harm, just to find out what was happening to me and get rid of my weakness. I would like to return everything and apologize to these people, fix the damage. But even if I meet them, I can't, it's too hard for me. I can't just come and tell them - I'm sorry, I used you for my self-knowledge, I had no idea what I was doing, I'm sorry. Smooch.

I felt absolute loneliness, I had no one, who would just talk to me and help me. Rare people, who found out about my problem simply sympathized, and offered nothing but - Pull yourself together, everything will be fine, dud. Several times I tried to kill myself. I have sought psychiatric help, but in my country it is the worst.

Recently, I realized that with me. MBTI helped me with this. Everything is explained by fact that I am ENTP 6w5. Everything. When I began to understand this, I began to feel the joy of life again. That I have been released from prison of my mind, that I feel confident again, like when i was child. Until I decided tthat I had enough. And I realized, that I don't want to feel it. Everything bad comes back.

Now I understand why I felt what I feel and thought what I think, and again I begin to feel joy of research, desire to create for others, and not just myself. I want to communicate, make others happy, invent something, enjoy my inner fire, which I felt like a curse. And I don\`t like it. I spent so many years trying to destroy all my weaknesses, not to feel anything, so that no one could upset and offend me, kill my inner dragon. And if my humanity grows back in me, which call a heart or soul, then I will begin to feel again, I will again react to mortals, and get upset. And there are many more frustrations and disappointments ahead of me, and nothing good. I am at an age when the last, more or less kind to me relatives are too old and will soon die. And then the last anchors, that hold me, will break. I don't want to feel it, I don't want to live to see this moment. I want to be insensitive and heartless like before. Slowly taking steps towards to my suicide, to release from all suffering at once. I don't want to explore myself anymore, I want to drop a nuclear bomb on myself and undo all changes.

I know too well what death is. I constantly lost what was dear to me and those who I liked. I know it's part of life, but I don't want to face it anymore, because when there's no one else left, I'll be completely alone. I'm too tired of people who betray me, and I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel this anymore. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I just want to feel good, but that's not possible. It destroys me.