I enjoyed this read. 

[Source.] (http://soyouredatingaborderline.wordpress.com)

&gt; I realized that I was mad at our therapist the last time I saw him. I’m pretty sure I was splitting, because up until that session, I had generally enjoyed meeting with him and appreciated what he had to say.

&gt; But not last week.

&gt; Last week he was talking to us about setting boundaries and he spent a considerable amount of time telling my partner that he is not responsible for my happiness – that it’s okay that we spend time apart and do our own thing every once in a while.

&gt; Excuse me?

&gt; I guess it got especially bad when my partner decided to quote the therapist during one of our arguments. “He’s right” – he said, matter-of-factly. “We should be able to self-soothe instead of relying so much on each other. I think it’ll help us be less reactive when arguments do come up.” I didn’t really know what to say to that, but I knew I was starting to feel abandoned. I could sense the familiar tightness in my chest.

&gt; I decided to get mad at our therapist first, because in my mind, it was his fault that my partner was pulling away from me and setting boundaries. How dare he put those ideas in his head? “I don’t think therapy is helping.” – I said. “Maybe we shouldn’t go anymore.”

&gt; Now, believe me when I say this: I know that my partner was confused. I’m sure he had no idea where I was coming from, since I’m generally the one in favor of continuing our therapy work and making sure we don’t miss sessions.

&gt; “I don’t understand.” – he said.

&gt; “I really want to cut right now.” – I finally blurted out.

&gt; “No, don’t do that.” – he was worried. I felt a little better — a little less abandoned, perhaps.

&gt; It wasn’t technically a lie, I did want to cut. But I think it had more to do with the fact that I had been told to self-soothe by two different people in a span of twenty-four hours. You want me to self-soothe? Fine. This is how I know to self-soothe — by putting a scalpel to my thighs and bleeding until I feel less bad. There’s also this part where my partner finds out that I’ve cut (mostly if he accidentally touches a fresh wound and I wince, but also if I’m wearing shorts and he sees it.) It generally follows a familiar pattern. First, he realizes what happened, then he associates it with something that happened between us, so he blames himself for it and sometimes he’ll even cry about it too. In a weird, sadistic way, sometimes it makes me feel better that it invokes this reaction on him. Okay, truly, most times it makes me feel better. I think it has to do with the fact that in those moments, I actually feel like he cares about me – that perhaps he is not abandoning me. I also think that it functions as a punishment for him, and that perhaps he won’t repeat the behavior that he thinks led me to “self-soothe” like that.

&gt; I know this has to stop.

&gt; I’ve thought about the ‘borderline’ term many times before. Generally people have been reluctant to use that diagnosis with me because “I’m so functional” and “I’m so successful.” Some seem to believe that “complex PTSD” or “attachment disorder NOS” are better ways to describe the constellation of symptoms I experience. Some others believe that the name we give it doesn’t really matter, as the treatment can be quite similar.

&gt; Does it matter to me? I’m not really sure yet.

&gt; I’ve been reluctant to discuss this with my partner, because (and this is silly, I know) I’m afraid that he’ll google “borderline personality – tips for loving someone with bpd” and find out that boundaries are actually a good thing and that giving in to every single one of my demands isn’t really a recipe for success.

&gt; Perhaps I should write a manual for him. I think he struggles with understanding how my brain works. He did mention to me that he sometimes feels like this is a rollercoaster ride and that it would be nice to just “cruise for a while” because rollercoasters aren’t really his thing.

&gt; I don’t really blame him.

&gt; My immediate response to any kind of conflict is to suggest that we end things. I don’t think I actually mean it – I think it’s a defense mechanism. I’m used to this type of response and I understand why I do what I do, but it’s different for him. It can be extremely confusing to go from “yes, I can’t wait to marry you” to “yeah, maybe this isn’t really working out” in a matter of days… or hours? I don’t really fault him for wanting to get off the ride — even though I do occasionally enjoy rollercoasters myself.

&gt; After a while, our conversations become more rational, and I’m able to convey my feelings more clearly. He says he understands. I tell him that I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to get off the rollercoaster altogether, and that I think he needs to know that. He tells me that we can work through that and that he’s committed to making this work.

&gt; He really is great, and he works so hard to make our relationship work and to make me happy. Sometimes I think that I agree with our therapist – that perhaps he shouldn’t be spending so much energy trying to make me happy, and that I do need to learn to self-soothe. Though I also really appreciate how hard he tries. It makes me feel loved.

&gt; Maybe these different statements can coexist, and maybe this is part of accepting opposing ideas as equally true. I hear that’s something we struggle with.

&gt; I think this relationship can be a healing one, for me. Perhaps.

&gt; Bye, for now.

