I am in a complex messy situation. I have had two people I ever truly felt connected to, and events over the last few months mean I cant speak to one. The other is then hurt, by me pushing this person who they cared for deeply (more than me) away and watching me fall apart over this current situation.

In the past I always had a pretty steady, working, method for dealing with relationships as a BPD over a decade into there diagnosis. I stabalise them by reaching out - potentially asocially but after time and with clarity to clear up problems and feel safe in where it ended and that both of us have that knowledge so I can both accept that I have power but not control over others. Its a well worn tool for me, radical acceptance in a messy world without falling into a sense of powerlessness, its never really failed.

The scale of this person in my life means it would have been monumental but at first I thought it would work and tried elements of it. Each attempt has caused setbacks and although at one point it appeared to work it was revibibed and now created a massive fear if reaching out and a real sense that I may have hurt this person (which I am not sure I did but their reaction made me feel that way). It just left, soley, self-hate.

It is just utterly destroying me, I flip between mass disassociation, panicked fear. It is destructive mostly inwardly. I can feel all my past tools existing alongside it and even contribute to small tiny parts of progress - but none of it is working. My entire life outside of this is on a slow decline, and I am wrecking the only other person I really care about and have ever cared about - and while in a deep constant worry about someone who is gone. I am destroying my career. I am outright refusing in most cases to properly socialize as I cannot face masking.

But for this post what is worrying me the most is I am just feeling a constant intense dragging need to remove myself from the world as a rational way to make everyone feel happy. Stop each partner having me as the problem.

Its not like any other suicidal feeling I have had, when I made attempts in the past it was always panic - and maybe a little attention seeking. This is not that, its like weighing up a surprise present. I am thinking about how to make it easiest and just thinking if it will be really helpful for everyone. It is not like a form of suicidal thoughts I have ever had before. I have not fallen into any impulses, I have not even self-harmed or even thought of it beyond being curious if in a safe environment it may get rid if some of these feelings. It just feels like a final judgement that my self-hate has caught up with the world and was right for once.

In some ways my plan is the same as always, I need to stabilize this. I think I know that. But I dont know if anyone has any insight into this current specific part which is causing huge additional constant problems a real fear their is an immediate time limit I am coming up to. Its new to me and any input is welcome.