TLDR: I've been on an information download and posting frenzy that started in mid-December asking for advice about my (M41) relationship with my gf (F35) and now I feel more paranoid than before I knew what was going on. 

What started off in the relationship advice thread, went to the Narcissistic spouse's thread, and eventually led me here. When I read the traits of someone with BPD/BPD tendencies it rang so true. I started watching YouTube videos and they all resonated with what has been happening over the course of our 6-month beautifully toxic relationship. The mood swings, rage, love-bombing, gaslighting, and the deathly fear of abandonment. I found all this out during our most recent breakup over Christmas and New Year. She reached out to ask for a few of her things. I told her I would drop them off. Once I knew I would see her, I felt the rush of dopamine flood back into my body and my nerves and anxiety were gone. I felt scared but calm all at once. As I drove to her house later that day every alarm bell was ringing in my body letting me know I was walking back into the Scorpions den. 

A flair for the dramatic no doubt but after everything I've read about BPD I don't know how much to believe and how much is exaggerated like my story above. Through my search, I've discovered demons that I was unaware of that I was bringing to the table that certainly trigger her. All this to say I don't know how high or low to keep my guards and how astute should my vigilance be. 

We're in a calm place right now, talking about feelings and vulnerabilities we've never talked about. The future talk is starting slow but starting from a place of healing and work rather than fantasy and illusion. 

Someone, please tell me I'm overthinking this and that we're gonna be alright.