I just don’t see how life would have any meaning alone. I’m terrified of it. I just want to love and be loved. It’s the only thing I have any interest in. Everything else is so empty. I can’t even find joy in going anywhere or doing anything alone because I look around and everyone’s staring. I never want to hurt anyone. Why am I so goddamn sensitive? Why can’t I just react normally to shit? I’m just pushing the few who can tolerate me away.
But I don’t even know how I’m supposed to change my mindset on stuff when it’s directly influenced by how I feel and my past experiences. I never have anything good to go off of- my life has been a shitshow and every time I’m exposed to something it’s just verification of why I’m scared of it. How do I work on self esteem when I have no self concept? How do I work on self worth when I see no worth in myself? How do I strive for something to be when I don’t have anything I WANT to be? I don’t want anything but to be happy. I don’t know the steps to take to get there. I’m in shambles. I’m losing myself as I live. I can barely remember what day it is anymore. I’m just losing it and I don’t know how to change and I don’t want to be alone again. I can’t bear it.