I am 100% responsive to her attention and I get insanely warm feelings inside when she is able to respond to a text. I text her way too much lately because it's been a terrible few weeks for me. Crazy crisis rambling, drug use rambling, literally sending a 100% full multimedia text message (well over 6 texts) only to distract and busy myself to avoid spiraling into destructive choices.

We are allowed phone coaching at our DBT clinic and it's mainly used for 100% crisis situations and they charge most people. They are basically giving me charity now so my therapist never charges my account anymore but she has boundaries and replies when she wants to. I text too much right now for there to be any sort of clue as to when or why she responds to what.

I feel guilty for messaging so much but I know from the gist of other things she's said, that she would want me to message if it stops cutting or drugs or slows down the suicidal thoughts and serves simply as a time-consuming distraction. I didn't text this much a few months ago. She's fully aware that I know I get worse in the winter and it's my dad's first birthday month since his death. I have also been fighting a cold and getting worse with my eating disorder and used some drugs I never thought I would succumb to.

I just feel guilty for being such a nuisance and sometimes after I send a message I literally think "ugh why can't I just die so I can leave her alone, I'm such an annoying needy client". Like there are plenty of reasons I can cherry pick to be the reason I deserve to die, but one of them is because I text my therapist too much? 

She has boundaries and I would never like flip out inappropriately if she didn't respond. And I keep messages limited to not past a certain time of night and send a depressed meme with the message so it comes across as one message, no 4 separate dings. In the messages I even say I don't need a response sometimes because honestly I have no clue if she even reads all of my rambling but then it's out of my head. And if she does it allows her a bigger perspective of my disorder's presentation than weekly 50 min sessions and a 60-90 minute group allows for.

Idk. I'm clinging to the person who is literally helping me dismantle my damaged identity and who is going to help me learn how to rebuild it. Someone who is giving me a chance at life by teaching me to apply skills to my behavior in my daily life. And we're getting into deeper shit in therapy to address more of the underlying problems that cause my complete instability.

I feel like she understands 100% and isn't annoyed that her client is getting more neurotic as the season changes and as we continue to address really difficult shit.

There's no crossing of lines or anything with my FP feelings. I don't have inappropriate thoughts and I don't text her off the wall shit. Only shit I'd say in therapy itself. I just have desires to do better with skills each week because I want to make her proud. And I feel extremely disappointed when I have all this unskillful behaviors to report to her each week. I wouldn't trade her as my therapist but part of me gets randomly sad that someday I will be done with therapy and not have contact anymore. Which kinda makes me wish I'd met her as a regular human as a friend. But not really because I really value her ability to get through to me in therapy. But sometimes I even get worried that she will make a career change but she just got promoted to supervisor, so it's unlikely she's leaving any time soon. Fear of abandonment toward my own therapist. Good lort BPD calm tf down.

Idealization is probably something she deals with as a very important figure in her client's progress. Idk.