Hi everyone,

I suffer from borderline personality disorder and until now I dissociated from time to time but I never thought it was alarming.
I also take antidepressants, 100mg of zoloft a day. 

These past 3 or 4 months I have been getting really reckless with substances.
It has come to a point where I wake up at noon, I hit the bong, eat, feel shitty about being stoned all the time and want to be less passive, I drink a bottle of wine, take 1 or 2 lines of coke and wait for my friends to be off work and then we hit the bong again, drink half a dozen shots, I pretend to go to the bathroom and take a few more lines of coke and then nitrous oxide, one two three balloons and then we hit the bong.

I can't sleep, I eat junk food all day, I stay home with no motivation, no direction in life, no job, no hobby except getting so fucked up I don't recognize the world around me anymore.

I told my friends about how unreal and scary the world feels after nitrous oxide balloons, how I feel stuck in a moment forever and how I don't have a grasp on either space, or time, or anything else for that matter. Nothing connects, nothing makes se ce, I feel trapped in a shitty simulation where I am the only one realising nothing is real. Even writing this doesn't feel real... What's the internet, what's reddit, can I break my phone I have no use for it, can I kill myself, I'm scared ? I don't know how to explain but it's really scary and I did some research and read about derealization.

Do you think what I am experiencing is derealization? Do you think it will go away if I quit all drugs (except antidepressants?) do you think I should quit cold turkey and never look back or should I try to do drugs with modération ? I don't know what to do I am scared.. 

**TL;DR** : I have bpd and I am a heavy drug user, I've been feeling completely disconnected from the world and my own self and everything, I am scared, do you have any advice? 