I've been involved with someone who's poly, who wants two primary life partners. I've known him for a little over a year now. I've been with him while he's been through five different women. Only twice was our relationship a trio, with his other partners being closely involved. I've been accepting but so many times I've had breakdowns. Feeling neglected, on verge of abandonment, invalidated, used. My black and white thinking makes me believe what I perceive HAS to be reality. I get so overwhelmed with the feeling of being on the verge of abandonment and I can't stand the feeling that I am being neglected. I don't ask for much at all and am passive but when he's got other women involved I become needy and demanding. I hate who I become. 

I compulsively text thinking I'm making so much sense but apparently I'm not. I think I know reality when apparently I don't. I try and talk and apparently I make no sense. I think I'm becoming closer to him but apparently I'm never doing so. He says I always obsess over the other women in his life instead of focusing on myself and him. It's not fucking easy but he chooses to get angry at me for it. He's told me women have been hesitant to get in a relationship with him because of me, because of my push and pull. It's fucked. I'm scared of my emotions because they feel so out of my control because of him. He's got together with someone new who has bad history with bpd (she had a friend with it who tried to ruin her life no matter the cost) I just feel so triggered especially since the diagnosis is new and now suddenly there's a women in his life with stigma towards it. 

I told him I can't offer a relationship while I'm doing all my therapy and trying to stay in school. But I am hanging onto him because I don't want to feel abandoned. I have no one else. I don't even have a family. I'm even more triggered because this new girl is not from here and has no friends or family, meanwhile I've always struggled with this. I feel so fucking triggered over her because she has said unfair things, like saying I should of known better to not see him after they broke up when I had no idea they had. I've known him for over a year and been with him practically the whole time since, and suddenly she waltz in saying that. She's told him my disorder is a disability and people can't get better from it, it fucking enrages me. 

I just can't take it. I feel used. I think I love him but I constantly question why do I. He says I need to communicate but my disorders of anxiety, restrictive eating and bpd makes it so difficult too. I think I'm communicating myself but he never understands where I'm coming from. He tries telling me he's supportive but I don't feel he is. He tells me he cares but I keep saying he doesn't. He says he keeps finding new people to be with because I keep pulling away and ignoring what he says he needs from me in order to trust me, but I don't think that's fair. He's always going to be looking for the right fit, I'm not the reason he keeps looking but he says it is. He says he doesn't trust me, but I feel I deserve his trust especially since I've been the only one to ever stick by him for so long, women constantly come in and out of his life and never stay around. I have.

Apparently I do everything wrong, I always jump to conclusions make assumptions manipulate and pull the pity me card. Everything I perceive is apparently false and warped. I don't think I can stand not having him 100 percent committed to me. He says I get manipulative of his emotions when he has someone else but I don't think I do. I just feel so neglected. I feel like fighting him far too often but whenever I'm with him I feel like saying nothing and just being calm, but when I'm apart from him I feel like raging and being impulsive through text. I feel so fucked up for staying with him and not finding someone new, but I'm terrified of that.

I'm going through a lot with med changes and therapy and school, and he's busy with her. The last time I was on two different meds I nearly died alone in my bathroom unintentionally. There is always other women he is busy with at some point or another. I feel like throwing my life away. I just don't feel I can stand any of it anymore. I feel used. I don't think I can handle it. I feel like trashing the hell out of my body or blocking him for good, but I'm so afraid of loosing the only person I've got. I'm afraid it's my bpd causing me to feel this way.