I am in a 7 years long term relationship. Person did some really bad stuff that really damaged the relationship and that it/I can't heal from (lied to me and acted like the victim, made me be the hated one in our friend group, lost many contacts)

She got better over time ofc and I even took relationship breaks when I couldn't manage the pain and she always understood. I felt left alone by her when my father died too but we talked about it. She's a big help usually and I love doing creative work with her, the only thing that brings me joy

ofc I wasn't the victim always, but we always talked about everything and my BPD helped us realise why I do behave like I did

yet I feel unhappy if I think too much about it
Is this splitting? I start to hate her and only see the bad stuff she did, not the good one... it's unfair and I hate myself for it

I just want to know if it's my disorder... she's supposed to be my future now that my abusive incestious father died but I just feel this void inside of me that I can't seem to fill