There comes the time where I unconsciously cling on to a new relationship and my whole world literally starts running around that person. The fun part of having a loved one as a BPD gradually and slowly fades back and I can sense that my bothering for the relationship starts suffocating him. Well, to be honest I’m not even sure about that statement too because I get super hypersensitive to change of tone, emojis even… 


Then I split. I try not to react to my intrusive thoughts and to not pick fights over how he didn’t sound quite “into it” when I told him over text that I want to spend the night maybe.. 

Or the times that I feel secure with him but I’m depersonalize do from within, splitting within me I try not to push him over too.


I fucking try okay. I really really do. I try to fucking regulate my fucking emotions.


Yesterday I failed *epically*. Like wow! I didn’t even knew I was able to self sabotage in a way I haven’t been in before.


I’m developing feelings for someone else. I haven’t done anything with him not even a hug if it wasn’t for welcoming or seeing each other kinda hug purposes. Now that if I was mentally stable I would take that signal as “you are not in love with your current relationship and you need to fucking follow your gut”


But I can’t why? Well.. Congracufuckinglations my gut is WRETCHED.

I’m borderline. 

I’m on the edge of embracement and numbness at the same time. It might be that this is my fucking neurons speaking and I actually love the dude but I’m sabotaging it because I split and BECAUSE I PRACTICED DBT TO NOT DO IT ON MY TRADITIONAL WAYS?!





Just wow.
Well done brain, you suck.