At the top of the year I told him I may have to choose between my mental health and work and he chose work with out a second of pause. 

He’s been a lot more supportive lately but it’s because I’m largely nonfunctional and can’t work. He tells me he loves me and he wants to be there for me but I can’t get his initial response out of my head. 

I want peace and nothingness so bad. I won’t kill myself because I know how it feels to be on the other side of that but, god, I want that so bad. It’s harder and harder each day to resist the urge and I don’t know how to tell my husband nothing he does helps me because his first reaction was so bad.

He is trying. He is trying so hard now. But that first response won’t leave me and I don’t want to hurt him.

I’ve seen a therapist and it was a waste of time because he agreed what I need is medication but he couldn’t prescribe me anything. I have an upcoming psychiatrist appointment to hopefully get some medical help but idk if that can help me in time.

I’m just so tired. So so tired and I don’t know how to make it better.