Ever since I was a small child things didn't make sense, it felt like we as humans were committed to doing everything in the hardest, least efficient, most harmful way possible. Twenty three years later I'm just fucking done. I have no motivation to do anything anymore, even things I enjoy. Playing video games feels like a damn chore. I keep working on trying to improve my situation and all it does is zap my energy. I've tried a couple of medications in the past but they just made me crazy on top of being depressed. It just feels like people keep promising me "It will get better once you reach the next milestone: middle school will be better than elementary, high school better than middle, oh you're about to go to college shit's gonna rock! Now you're about to go find a job doing what you love! Go see this doctor, try this medication, find a hobby" I think of all the energy I had as a child: all the things I wanted to do but didn't have the money, now I try to do those things and quickly get frustrated or bored and default back to scrolling through social media where I'm reminded of how all the world's problems are my fault (I'm a straight white guy and while I know they aren't talking about me, having most of the people you know post horrible things about "white people" and "men" starts to explain why I'm so alone) and nobody will ever want me because of how my mind works. I know I need to get off of there, I did for a couple months but the loneliness got even worse. Not that being on there is making me any friends. It feels like people make plans with me for the specific purpose of cancelling them, and that's when they don't just straight up "forget". I just want to fucking die. I feel so out of place in this world, I feel like I live in a simulation designed to torture me and I want out. I fantasize about jumping off a bridge and ruining some truckers week.