My depression never used to be like this. Before I went on antidepressants, I was always in a constant low mood. But in a way, it was better than what I'm enduring now. It's like being given false hope and then having it snatched away.

I wake up usually feeling quite bright. For the first couple or hours I have a spurt of energy and I race around doing things, cracking jokes, generally being rather merry.

After a couple of hours this changes to complacency. My energy depletes and I find myself not wanting to try and have a productive day anymore. 

Then comes the all-consuming darkness that lasts until I fall asleep. The self-hatred, the hopelessness, the wish that I could just drop dead and put an end to all the misery and pain. 

It's as though I go through a whole cycle of depression in an entire day, and every day pretty much plays out this way. It's exhausting and I can't do it anymore.