TW: Sociopathic abuse, substance abuse, and slight sexual violence

There was this guy. I’m gonna call him James. I met James when I was 15 years old, and quickly developed a crush on him. He did seem a bit off. I couldn’t put my finger on it however. Something about how peppy he was and how much energy he seemed to have. He also told me about his substance abuse. He mostly did mild stuff like smoke weed, but he also had history with cocaine. He seemed to talk to me a lot. I confessed my crush to him, and he started being sexual with me. I had never had someone I liked be this way to me, so I liked it. Our text conversations turned sexual, and then the next day we fooled around under this bridge around where we live. Turns out he was playing me, but that’s a whole another story. Anyway, after I forgave him for that, things were fine. I idealized him a little bit. He seemed to have a superiority complex. He constantly called people “kids” despite only being 17 himself. He told me I was growing and maturing, but was also really rude and condescending. He had a compulsive lying problem. You could ask him what he ate for dinner, and he’d lie. He had lied about me. Said I was into some freaky shit sexually that I wasn’t. Shit like that. Me and my friend that james got with after he played me started hanging out again recently. She told me all this fucked up shit he had done. We started talking about how he was rapey. I would tell him no to something and he’d try it again a few minutes later, and didn’t seems to care whether or not I was enjoying myself. I.e. once He tried to penetrate me and It was really painful. I asked if we could stop, and he did ok and continued kissing me and touching me, then he tried to do it again. Some of his friends are huge assholes too. They would try and fuck me and call me names while they did it. It dehumanized me. I developed a sex addiction. James was also super messed up. He had told me he had thoughts of killing people. Combined with his general lack of remorse or empathy, compulsive lying, substance abuse, and fake persona he puts on, along with the fact he thinks about fucking murdering people, I have no problem believing this guy is a sociopath. He’s told me that I’m weak, and the world shouldn’t have to accommodate for my weakness. He told me that his gf is much better than me, more attractive than me, and more mature than me. Just all kinds of fucked up shit. He “cut me off” today for being toxic, when all I was doing was voicing how I felt emotionally about some things, not even criticizing him. 

Now, onto the dilemma. My sexuality has been changed due to the emotional and sexual abuse I’ve endured. My perception of men has been fucked. I’m terrified of being intimate with a man again. I only want girls at this point. I’m sorta becoming a dominant lesbian due to trauma caused by disgusting men. I just had to get all that off my chest.