it's soo hard to figure out where to start first. 
my SO is the one with BPD. 
we've been together almost a year. the longest relationship he's ever had.

during this time, we fell in love fast. got engaged. i moved across the usa with him, for him. and things went all downhill.

i watched him lose interest in everything involving me. he had fits of anger every week. he had broken up with me more times than i can honestly count.

then, at some point he really broke up with me. i flew back across the usa to be with my family. and that week he begged to have me back.
 He's been passively pushing off taking his meds since he started, a month now.

i had read enough about BPD when i was gone. and everything warned me. it'd be the same rollercoaster. and it is.

now i'm worried. i feel terrified that i'm the one causing him to crash soo hard this time. he tells me he's bored of life. feels no direction. he won't ever have a real job because he's been to several hospitals in the past and is on disability for how severe his disorder is. he aspires to do his freelance work but can only do soo much out here without a car.

the past couple weeks of this month. i witnessed him disappear to his friends house. i wouldn't care normally but his friend gets him wasted EVERY time they hang out. he sets his impulsiveness on fire when they hang out. they go to bars and my SO does the SAME thing every time he's wasted; he tries to start 'fights' and dances with EVERYONE just to get a reaction from people. he'd be gone for 5 days. and the whole time mad at me for being worried, wanting to help him somehow. i didn't want him to leave. he was being *soo* impulsive. 

for one week after the whole thing, he was soo sweet. cuddled and hugged me (which is a huge rarity prior and after this). then, he went right back to thinking the whole world is shit.

I get thinking that, I get thinking the world is awful. But I can't dig him out of the whole he's put himself in. He just gets lower and lower. He trashes every nice word I could possibly tell him, any advice is completely dismissed. He recently told me he feels like he did all the times before he went to a psych hospital last. 
I feel soo scared and worried. I wish I could make him happy again, but I know for sure it'll probably never happen..

What should I do? What CAN I do?


**TLDR; I'm watching my SO with bpd get worse and worse and I'm terrified I'm hindering him/a part of it.** 