I'm terribly alone, my only two friends I've grown up with are in their own world and they'll go off on me if I even bring up hanging out. 
Ever had that happen? I realize things are different, they have other friends and whatever but I didn't realize that means there's zero time for me. I guess it's just better I'm not in their life and they can move alone and be happy with those people who aren't as fucked up as me, aren't as negative or crazy and I'll be here on Reddit, at the cemetery being a weirdo. Talking to the dead like they're still alive, I look crazy. 

It's crazy because I grew up on the internet, I didn't have good friends or any at all because I was the fat and weird kid. So my friends were online and YouTube and food was my best friend. And who would've thought I'd never move out of that? I still depend online, I feel like the internet has raised me more than my parents. Growing up in a household of pure chaos and being constantly harassed and made fun of at school, my laptop was my only safety. 

So fast forward, I'm here. I got friends online, I think I'm pretty likable online but without physical connection it's hard to stay afloat. 

I've never had friends that stayed, they always left because of me. Something I did, I was too weird, too crazy. It's always me doing everything, no one wants to meet halfway. They have jobs and other friends but on their days off it's spent with their other friends or at home, no one calls me anymore, no one wants to be around me. They have no fucking idea how that feels and if they did they wouldn't do it to someone else. 
This is bullshit, I'm always treated like this and I'm left hating myself and going through episodes of dissociating and convincing myself of all these awful and repetitive thoughts. So confused EVERYTHING is my fault. 

I don't have bad intentions, all I want is to be around my friends but it feels like I don't have any friends.
I'm so alone it hurts

"Locked in your room all day" make it sound like I'm doing nothing, I'm lazy. I'm in here because I have no one, I'm hiding from my dad, I'm doing my hobbies or wanting to fucking die, I'm sorry. I get it you got a job, I had one too. But the fact you complain about how exhausted you are but continue to go out at night until four in the morning tells me otherwise. 

IM SO SICK AND TIRED 
They have fun with their other friends then fucking fine, what the fuck ever I was never good enough for anyone anyways. I've been less my whole fucking childhood. People in and out of my life, I've always been left alone at the end of it. 

Sorry this is all over the place, it's 3am and I'm a mess. 