My best friend opened my eyes last night. It was very long overdue and I hate myself for not seeing the extent how I affect others. 

I put him, as well as many others in a horrible position. I'm appalled by my actions. I truly was blinded by my own fears to such an extent that my actions result in pure selfishness, I can see that now. 

I don't want to rely so heavily on my friends, I truly don't. I've realized through this situation that I simply don't know how to live for myself. This must change.

My panic attacks directly affect my friends around me and no amount of "it's ok, it's just my issues, everything's fine" can take the anxiety away from those who care about me. It affects them more than I can tell, made worse by the fact I can't even accurately read these situations in the midst of the emotional tornado it sends me into. I can see that now--I will be keeping a close eye on it. 

I think the most concerning part is the growing realization that my subconscious mind seems to bleed out into my actions and words even if I don't realize it. I've always known I'm an emotional burden, it scares me to death that I couldn't see past myself. I need to do some major soul-searching. 

My fear of losing loved ones is the very thing that pushes them away. I can feel it when it's happening but I can't stop; the only thing I know how to do in that state is beg--for forgiveness, for understanding... for any kind of reassurance that can take this pain away. It feels the same as a fight or flight response. My brain goes blank and it just... happens. I cannot let this continue both for the sake of my loved ones and for the sake of my own personal growth. Abusers use that tactic--they blow up and then beg for your return only for the cycle to repeat itself. It kills me that I couldn't see the parallels on my own. 

I thought I only had good intentions. I truly believed that I did. I've neglected reading into the spiteful side of my character for reasons I can't even explain. I think it's because of the shame I feel afterwards, yet somehow I always seem to forget this feeling when the time comes again for my fragile heart to break. it's no one's fault but my own.

I think I'm gunna pull back for a bit. I need to understand what it's like to have and be content with casual relationships. I think I need to treat this like an addiction and have a major detox. I don't know *what* exactly it is about certain people that lead me to become "addicted" but I think it stems from a sense of acceptance. I finally feel accepted, whole and subsequently *happy.* 

Don't get it twisted, I am NOT boiling my friendships down to "brain drugs". I care for each of them uniquely and strongly, so strongly that, for their own good, I have in the past and am currently considering ending meaningful friendships--setting them free. Logically, I know this is probably overkill but I can't get out of my head the thought that I've caused these people so much pain it seems that the only way they'll truly be "safe" is by staying staying emotionally distant from me. 

I never wanted to be toxic. I never wanted to be emotionally abusive. It pains me so deeply that it got to this point. I am however grateful for the wakeup call.