I need to rant because I feel so out of control of myself and I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t have a diagnosis of BPD and so I don’t know if I have it but I relate massively to most of the symptoms and it brings me relief to feel that there is a name for the inner turmoil I experience when it comes to intimate relationships. A situation happened yesterday that has left me feeling so embarrassed and ashamed of myself which has led me once again to hate myself and wonder why I’m like this. 

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me seven months ago because he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone. Yesterday my friend saw him out on a date and immediately my negative thoughts began spiralling and I started thinking he doesn’t care about me anymore, he’s disrespecting me, I’m nothing to him, I’m not worthy or pretty enough for love. I felt so angry, betrayed and abandoned even though I shouldn’t, we’re not together anymore and we haven’t spoken in at least a month. He is single and entitled to do whatever he wants. But in that moment, all logic flew out of my brain and I was unable to think like this. I sent him multiple angry text messages telling him I hate him and called him a rude name, and then I called him and screamed at him and cried over the phone. He told me he was out with family because it was his birthday the day before but said he understood my reaction, and he would feel hurt too if he heard something like that. I felt so instantly guilty and ashamed of myself afterwards and this morning. To the point where I didn’t get out of bed or stop crying for 12 hours. I feel awful, like I’m a terrible person and he will hate me forever. I feel like I’ve ruined his birthday and upset him. I know I had no right to act like that in hindsight and I feel so much anxiety and rumination over this situation. When I feel like this, the best way to describe it is feeling frozen or stuck. Unable to mentally move past the situation, unable to physically get up and carry on with my day. I only got out of bed and ate something at 1pm. I apologised to him today but I still feel terrible. It actually feels physically painful, I get nausea and a bad feeling in my gut when I feel this awful. 

I’m fed up of being controlled by my emotions, I’m fed up of smoking weed all the time because it’s the only way I know how to cope, I’m fed up of feeling awful for hours or days on end and being unable to shake off bad moods easily, I’m fed up of self-abandoning to keep other people in my life, I’m fed up of not really knowing who I am and feeling like I adopt parts of other people depending on who I’m with. I’ve literally felt like there’s something ‘wrong’ with me for years and I have tried to engage with mental health services but honestly in the UK the quality of support seems poor. I had an assessment for short-term counselling, they referred me on to another service as they said it wasn’t appropriate for me and the second assessor said I’ve been through multiple traumatic childhood experience and need long-term psychotherapy however she said the waiting list is very long and I’ve heard nothing since, not even a follow up email after so I don’t know if I’ve even been put on the waiting list. I even got referred for substance misuse services but I don’t understand how I can stop smoking weed when that is the only way I currently cope before learning other coping skills to replace that? If I stop smoking weed right now and I get into a mood like this, I’m unable to continue with day-to-day life until it passes and that’s unsustainable for me right now. I feel hopeless because I don’t know how to help myself at this point.