for as long as i can remember (which isn't saying much, since i barely remember most of my life), my illnesses have made their way into every single aspect of my life.

i think about it all the time. ALL the time. i never get a break. i genuinely don't know how to think clearly anymore. i dissociate every day multiple times a day, i can never stay focused on one task, i deal with extreme mood swings and the stupidest things trigger me. i'm always hyper-aware that i am struggling to function in my day to day life. my therapist knows all of this and she's trying to help me, i'm on medication, i have coping skills but i can't even bring myself to use them. i'm so tired man. i just want to sleep. it's 1 in the morning but i can't. i can't stop thinking about everything that has happened.

i feel like i'll never escape this. my illness has consumed me and it has impaired every single aspect of my life. why did bad things have to happen to me? why me? what did i do to deserve this? i just want to be okay. not even good. just okay.