
Things used to feel like they had meaning, but my mind feels like it’s shrouded in fog. Emotions are merely physical sensations now.

I feel like this didn’t happen all at once, it happened gradually because 1-2 months ago, I felt like I still cared. It’s gone now.

My plants and fish and other animals used to give me joy, and I appreciated their beauty. I loved to watch them grow. Currently I can see that they are beautiful, but I don’t truly feel it like I used to. I don’t see the purpose in having anything to do with them, but I don’t want to give them away because I’m aware that I might regret it.
You see, I would’ve said that I’m afraid to give them away, although I don’t really feel that either.

I noticed that I’ve started to subconsciously start shit with those that I care about. I’m doing all the things that I swore I would keep in line but I’m pretty much devolving, and it kind of makes me sad because I was actually getting better. I’m back to being mean and I pick on others. I used to defend my little sister from my mother’s emotional abuse, but now I’ve joined my mom’s side and do the same exact thing. I’m aware of what I’m doing, but it feels like I have to take a HUGE amount of effort to trying to be good again, and hearing that outloud actually feels painful to me because I’ve tried so hard to change and I actually succeeded, only to go backwards....

My boyfriend gives me comfort still. I still feel real emotions with him. I always feel a lot better after hanging out with him. If he left me, I would cry, but I wont actually feel sadness. Just the sensation of sadness.

I want to isolate myself, I just want to be left alone. I ironically have no interest in committing suicide. I’m just waiting to die. I have no problem with getting a job and getting an apartment and doing absolutely nothing. I wont even decorate it. I wont have any hobbies, friends, nothing. I’ll just sleep, eat, go to work, that’s it. I’ll do that till I die. I know it sounds crazy but I feel neutral about it. I’ve been trying to to reignite the love and passion I once had for life but it isn’t happening for me. I only feel the sensations of my emotions. I’m trapped in limbo. Everything is meaningless. I’m sitting here hugging one of my beanie babies and it feels comforting. 

I’m on autopilot.