I was diagnosed with BPD in 2012. I’d say 2011-2012 was the lowest point of my life. I was drinking my problems away instead of dealing with them, and along the way I embarrassed myself and hurt my reputation. I was throwing parties at my apartment full of random strangers 4-5 nights a week. I ended a 2.5 year relationship and quickly built a long list of one night stands. I started falling behind in school even though I was so close to graduation. I started killing important friendships and relationships that I had for years. Lying became so natural and I could convince anyone anything. Overall I was a horrible person and I was setting myself up to destroy myself and everything that ever mattered to me or anyone that I ever loved. It wasn’t till I found out I had BPD that I was able to understand why I was this way. I knew I had childhood abandonment issues stemming from my father and my brother leaving me at 3 and 9, but I didn’t know all the bad behavior was a result of me fearing abandonment. I admit when I first found out I had BPD I used it as an excuse and I continued on with my horrible ways. My ex even tried to help me but I chose to be destructive and in the end I had to leave the toxic relationship we created. When I ended it with my ex it was the first time in my life I was officially on my own, since I previously always had either a roommate or boyfriend living with me. I had a lot of time alone to think and for the first time I was not only able to understand my issues,
but I could try to fix them. Now looking back I thought I fixed them, but realistically I only tried to cover them up. In that period of time I decided to start over and become this new girl. I stripped myself from all the things I once hated about myself hoping I’d become a better person. The only issue with this method is that is I also stripped myself of the true me and all my loves and passions. I use to sing, play piano, knit hats and scarves, made jewelry and sold it, traveled all around, enjoyed writing and reading books. But I gave that all up. My iPod use to be full of my favorite songs and I could give you a list of my favorite movies and scenes, but I gave all that up too. I guess I thought part of the process of leaving my BPD ways behind and starting this new life was to strip me down and rebuild me from there. Now looking back I realized I lost myself and instead became boring. Sometimes when I got really drunk the true me came out. My boyfriend even referred to her as a 2nd me but more adventurous, opinionated, bubbly and outgoing, but also could turn into a hot mess in no time flat. When I recently became extremely depressed, lost and lonely I started drinking because I missed parts of that girl and wanted her back. No I didn’t want the liar or the cheater or the hot mess, but I did want all my loves, hobbies and passions back. I didn’t realize what I was doing till recently and in the process of being like the old me. Has anyone ever experienced this? Personality disorders are so hard to truly deal with sometimes