I struggle a lot with hypersexuality. I feel like I NEED to always be desired in that way. I use feeling sexually desirable as a way to boost my own ego, and if a day goes by where my boyfriend seems even a little less interested than usual, I take it so personally. I don't even know how to talk about it with him. I feel like if he knew the extent my self esteem relies on him sexualizing me, it'd make him so worried. 

He doesn't sexualize me in bad ways either, he's a total sweetheart and he's always been very caring, but I feel like I have this... sick form of self-sabotage in my head where I "want" him to be shitty to me, if that makes any sense. I don't actually want him to use me for my body, but I also do, because it's the only thing I know that makes me feel useful and wanted. I almost crave abuse. 

And another thing is: I'm not gonna make him do anything he doesn't want to, I have basic human decency. But sometimes I take the rejection really, really deep and internalize it. There was one time where I texted him and sex isn't even what I wanted, but he assumed that's what it was, and he shut me down instantly. I can't lie and say it didn't hurt really badly. We talked about it and it's okay now, for the most part, but I think about it sometimes because in the moment it made me think, "not only does he not want to talk to me but he's never gonna wanna do anything ever again, he thinks I'm gross and untouchable and I have no value as a person." 

I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you cope with it?