I’m about ready to drive my car into a brick wall. I was writing and got so miserable I snapped a plastic pen in half and started cutting the shit out of my arms. Too old for this shit, but I can’t handle it, this person means too much to me to be gone and I’m worth their time but I’m losing my shit and paranoid about my health as an aside. I don’t want to be dead, but I do want to not be in pain anymore. I’m angry about having to pretend other people are her so that I can give a shit about them. Lately it feels like I somehow slipped into an alternate reality. There’s no way, no way that the world is this sad. There has to be a way for me to improve and show I am worth her time, there has to be. Anyone else feel like this?