Hey,

This is kinda a long post, but I feel really emotionally down that I feel I need to write this much to express my feelings. I am feeling extremely depressed lately and I really want to get my feelings off my chest to people who can hopefully relate to me.

I've felt like this ever since I got into my dream school, being a good school. The day I got accepted, I was ecstatic. I started running around my house due to the sheer excitement that I got into the school I considered my dream school. However, someone asked me if I got in and asked me about my ACT score. Admittedly, my score was on the lower end of the ACT range of students accepted but it was strong enough to be considered. He then questioned how I got in, but someone who had a near-perfect SAT score didn't get in. Additionally, someone who carried us all in our Physics class got rejected altogether. At that moment, my self-esteem was crushed. I thought I was qualified to go, but there were people who were way more qualified than me and didn't get in. I didn't understand it, why would they accept me instead of them?

Fast forward to August and I arrive at college. I came in thinking I would do amazing things. I came in thinking that I would be an amazing student. I came in thinking I would get an internship.

No, even on day one, I learned that almost everyone is more talented than me in almost every way conceivable. They're fucking USACO gods, NMS, app developers, S-tier athletes, math elites, and entrepreneurs. What useful shit have I done in my life? What am I good at? Why did I get in if the AO knew I was surely not qualified?

Fast forward to my first test. Ever since I got my first scores back, I saw it as irrefutable evidence that I don't belong at my school. I did worse than average. I sought to deny it by working harder, but I somehow did even worse on the second midterms. Meanwhile, everyone I knew did way better than me or scored perfectly on the exam.

I also know for a fact that everyone knows much, much more than me and I am a complete dunce in almost everything. I am the one always asking for help, how to do things, and constantly studying (and failing).

Lastly, this is something a bit more personal but seeing romantic relationships makes me feel horrible. I've never had a relationship and frankly, it's because I'm too shy to ask anyone. I really do want to be loved and appreciated, but it's really fucking hard. There are people that just go together, and I feel that there is just no one for me.

I'm frustrated, depressed, and having near-suicidal thoughts every single day. I feel like a loser and n idiot. Hell, I was straight up about to cut my arm until my roommate walked in and I didn't do it. I don't even think I have Imposter Syndrome, but rather I'm straight up not cut out for my school. Every day is a constant battle and I'm starting to lose hope as the days go on. At this point, I feel an attempt is inevitable.