I know this is wrong and toxic as shit. I don't want to seek validation or promote this mindset at all, I just want to get this off my heart.

I don't talk about this to my friends because I'm afraid I'd make them feel guilty if they become interested in someone. I keep it all to myself because the last thing I want to do is keep my friends from happiness for selfish reasons.

I say I'm happy for my friends if they find someone because a part of me is actually glad they are happy but deep down I reject the person they become involved with because I'm afraid they are going to mess up the friendship of my friend and me. I need weeks or even months to really accept them together. (I guess that's the time I need to see if the friend's gonna abandon me)

I think if I got romantically involved with someone, I'd start to abandon this nonsense stupidity but for that to happen, I'd have to fall in love with someone. I certainly don't want to do that because I'd realize the person I like is way too good for me and that I've been gatekeeping them from actual happiness ... and this is even before commiting into a relationship. I guess this relationship thing is a hardpass for me until I finally make peace with myself.

I know this mentality is extremely toxic so I want to keep my friends from knowing this side of me so I can be a good friend for them.

Thanks for reading!