This EUPD/BPD is fucking exhausting.

Like seriously exhausting.

I am forever going to be trapped in this cycle of having meltdowns and then dealing with the philosophical and reflective part afterwards. 

DBT should make the meltdowns, the strong and sudden emotional reactions, the random mood swings, and the maelstrom of other bits of shit easier to manage and deal with. And that's fine. I guess. 

But I don't want to have anything to deal with in the first place. I just don't.

I want to be able to have conversations without me panicking and wanting to mould a more appealing version of myself so the other person might see me in a more positive light. I want to be able to take criticism and feedback without assuming it's an assault on my very being. I want to be able to do simple things like go to the supermarket without needing a full day to recover afterwards.

I want to be free of it all. I need to be free of it all. 

I am sitting here, looking at my massive DBT folder, thinking "what's the point?". If it's only going to make the problems more manageable then what's the point? They're still going to exist. My brain is still, at its core, react to and approach things in ways that will be distressing and painful. 

I would rather put my energy into something, anything else that might eradicate the problem all together so that I can lead a life where I don't have to be terrified of myself every waking moment.

If someone could tell me what that something is, though, I would greatly appreciate it.