Hey all,

Figured I would post to say hi, and "help", a little bit. For back story, I've had "psych issues", to summarize, since I was 12. I was on anti-depressants from age 12 to age 24, and went through diagnoses of depression, GAD, bipolar type II, and a few other possibilities. The last year or so, everything kind of calmed down. I came off my meds, I was doing okay - the depression lifted.

And then I moved in with  my fiance, ending 2 years of long distance. We've been together 6 years, and we'd been dreaming of this day - when we could finally be together after years of being apart. And we had the adjusting pains that couples have when they move in together. But they didn't let up.

My fiance's a clinical psychologist - he knows what's up with BPD. The stories he tells about people he's known with BPD aren't always favorable. I knew people myself, and I "wasn't that bad", so it was easy to dismiss.

And now here we are, both acknowledging that yeah, I have a lot of the traits. I started seeing a therapist on Saturday, and she agreed - it's not just him and I in our little bubble.

The last three weeks - since we first started acknowledging this elephant in the room - have been really, really hard. I feel like I just hurtled back into being "mentally ill", and that my marriage is doomed. Like I thought all the problems were going to lift and we'd work them out, but instead, it's just a part of who I AM. 

I'm terrified. I'm scared I've been manipulative and abusive the last 6 years with him without realizing. I'm scared I've affected my career (and I know I have, because of how I react to my boss and colleagues). I'm 3 months out from getting married, and I thought everything was perfect - just a few kinks to work out. And now it's all crashing down around me, and I feel like I've built my life on a broken foundation.

I'm living my life in a case of my own design, and I'm terrified of the consequences of that. I've had multiple meltdowns since the diagnosis, all because of my fear and panic. I feel like I have an alarm bell for a heart, and whenever anything scares me, the bell goes off and I'm suddenly panicking, reaching out for him, scraping at anything I can do to prove that I'm good, that he won't leave me.

I don't know what I really need out of this. I guess I just wanted to share, to vent, to try and feel a little less alone. My fiance's no stranger to mental illness (in myself or others), but this feels different. I feel like I have some fundamental flaw now that may or may not be fixable. And I have three months (less than that!) to fix it enough that I can be a good wife, a wife who won't tear things apart so our happily ever after ends in divorce.

I know I'm not any different, but the more I connect the dots of my life and my past issues, the more this all MAKES SENSE. But it's a terrifying, overwhelming reality. I have another few weeks until my next therapist appointment, but I want to start working, to make myself better. Instead I don't know what to do, and I'm scared. I don't want to end up back in partial hospitalization again - I can't quit my job the way I dropped out of a semester of school. It feels SO MUCH harder to be mentally ill now that I'm not in college. There's no network in place once you're in the "real world".

Everything is so scary now, and I feel like everything I thought was solid is evaporating. I guess I just wanted to write this to get it out, and to feel a little less alone. Thanks...