So it's much more like elementary school than a workplace. It's a coding bootcamp.

It's helpful that we have a lunch break each day, but some of those days are planned activities.

I think the hardest part is that people enjoy my company initially but then I get drained and my instability and mood swings creep up; it makes me feel so ashamed, both for being the way I am and for people having to witness it.  I find myself messaging people when I get home, trying to rectify how weird I am.

It makes me hate who I am even more.

If I felt like I was learning as much as I should be, maybe I'd feel less buffeted by others' opinions of me. That's how I got through school as a kid--being smart and all was the stake I grabbed on to.

The worst thing is when someone reaaaally likes me and I feel the same, but then they get to see the real me and they end up being cold towards me. Which is hilarious because I exhibit the same patterns, just for what I identify to be different reasons.

I also end up falling into a lot of bad habits under this stress, including bingeing. If I wake up feeling dissociated I can just predict where my day is going to go.


I really want out of this place (the coding bootcamp), but they have dug in so many social claws that it's not like I can just duck out the way I have for so many things in my life (schools/jobs/friends/treatment programs). It will go noticed. They even have a guidance counselor and she really believes in me and makes me want to believe in myself, but I don't.

Additionally, this school was supposed to be my escape-I was working for minimum wage at a retail store, going nowhere. And I can't see one part of it that is working out.

Finally, I used to cope by entertaining the thought of killing myself, but I found out that someone I used to be close to but whine I ended up despising died young and I do believe it was through suicixse. He never made anything of his life and was really just a shit person. I feel like now I can't even have the suicide dreams.