long story short i abused my ex. he’s still in my life but it’s not going well lately. we argue a lot. most recently he told me his friend wants him to be his sugar baby. so i told him i wouldn’t be able to be around him if that happens due to jealousy and uneasiness. he got angry at me and told me it was selfish. later that day i told him how suicidal i’ve been lately and how being around him puts me in a state of constantly being reminded what i did and that i can’t live with it. he got angry again. i told him i don’t feel cared about after he told me he did care when he just got angry at me. then he told me how i’m selfish (again) and that he has no obligation to cater to my needs. later that day i apologized for saying i wouldn’t be able to be around him and wanted his perspective on how he’d feel if i got a sugar daddy. he got mad again and told me that i shouldn’t compare our feelings because i abused him. i know i deserve his anger after what i put him through.. but i’m tired of making him angry. he refuses to cut me off due to paranoia and i can’t cut him off because i don’t have what it takes. i genuinely feel the only way out of this is to kill myself. that way he won’t have to deal with me anymore.