So like I‘m not sure if it‘s a BPD thing and sorry if it isn‘t, but I relate a lot to you guys and maybe somebody experienced something similar and could help me.

As a kid (male) I was pretty explosive at certain moments and never felt bad about that, also enjoyed a good fight with other kids and sometimes even daydreamed about finally getting into fights and releasing my anger, such stuff.
At the same time I needed to be „good“. And I probably actually wanted to be like that. Peace with everybody, you know. Also, this might sound contradictory, but in other situations, when, thinking back, my boundaries were seriously violated, I could explode, lose control, hit people, but… feel a lot of guilt immediately. Like if I felt that the person doesn‘t deserve it, I don‘t know. Because at the same time I‘m very guillable and shameful a lot of the time.

I guess at one moment of my childhood I convinced myself that this anger is something not normal in me, but instead of working with it I just somehow completely repressed it in myself. Or it was always repressed and got out in such ways, as it was one of the emotions I wasn’t allowed to feel in my family properly (or i‘m bullshitting myself right now). 

Recently I noticed that i act with other people in such ways that are, as I realise, intended to provoke them. Like if they feel anger - I get a relief, and probably can allow myself to feel it and sort of relax. 
I know that it‘s fucked up and basically it‘s the reason why I‘m asking about it - I will be able to function better if I take control over such behaviour and get in touch with it.

The thing is, I really struggle with being assertive in front of others at this moment, and even when I‘m alone I don‘t feel anything most of the time, so I have no idea how to connect with this anger properly. I can‘t feel ANY agression in most situations when it is required, which is ridiculous because I probably am, well, really violent deep inside and just don‘t see it. But when I‘m interacting with another person I don‘t know well - I instantly repress it. It‘s like a block in my chest appears, full of guilt or something. I instantly try to be good, liked, accepted. I don‘t struggle feeling and expressing it only with people I‘m really close to, but even with them I stay this guillable piece of shit a lot of time.

So yeah if anyone could help with that I‘d really appreciate it.