I've posted on here a lot- but to be honest it's been a great form of support so here I am again lol. 

I'm really struggling. My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in October and I have not been able to cope at all. My dad has been the closest person to me my entire life, literally my world. I am 29 and have a 3 year old daughter. Life prior to this was pretty idealistic and dare I say "perfect". I worked part time as a nurse and spent the last 3 years raising my daughter and it was honestly just a dream and I lived for each day. I was supposed to start a new nursing position, my daughter was starting pre- school..everything was just falling into place. I ended up turning the job down because it was just too much to take on especially because I'm my dads biggest support. I am blessed to have a supportive husband and to be able to help my dad so much but the reality is I am crumbling.  The last few months have destroyed me. I am a shell of who I was. I have panic attacks every morning and  night. I can't stop thinking about all of the terrible things that could happen in life. I have crippling health anxiety and have been to the doctors so many times and had dozens of tests done. On top of that I started panicking that all the radiation i've had from xrays and CT scans has doomed me (previous post lol).  I just can't shake the feeling of something happening to me, or my husband and picturing my daughter going through what i'm going through. The entire idea of mortality has become debilitating. I cannot fathom the idea of life without my dad. I know everyone in life goes through this, but I really just can't come to terms with anything, and i'm constantly "mourning" my life prior to all of this. I wish I was stronger and could handle it better. As a nurse who's been around this stuff for years I thought I'd be able to cope, but with it being my dad I just can't. I can't even enjoy my time with him now because of how anxious I am. He is so sick, and tired and to think that his entire amazing life has come to this just makes me absolutely sick. His vocal cord was paralyzed during his biopsy in October and he can hardly talk. I've tried to find so many different doctors to help but nothing has worked yet and it's affected his quality of life so much and it KILLS me.  I have been seeing a therapist for a few months and taking Zoloft but honestly i'm not sure anything is going to help. I work on being mindful and breathing, and meditation but my anxiety wins almost every time.  I  don''t know how I will handle life without my dad, I really don't. Everyone tells me time will make things better, but things will never be the way they used to and I will never be that happy again. I feel like the best of my life is over. The happiness has been ripped out of me and all I do is catastrophize all day. I haven't been able to sleep through the night in months and have tried every anxiety and sleep med that there is.  I realize I sound incredibly depressing but this is just the reality of how I feel and I just hope someone out there has some words of wisdom or advice because I feel like i'm at the end of my rope. Thank you to anyone who reads this rant and I truly appreciate ANY kind words.