17F. I have diagnosed major depression and most types of anxiety. But I have never been to a psychologist (I need to see one tbh). 

But I was just curious about a few problems. 

1. I regularly hallucinate. Especially at night. I may hear things or see things. It’s terrifying. 

2. I don’t lash out but I seriously consider killing or hurting people. I kind of just want to trash the house and jump out of a window. I want to fight to the death. I would NEVER do this but these thoughts have been getting really intrusive and I have no clue what to do anymore. Self isolation hasn’t helped at all. 

3. I can’t handle affection. It makes me angry and uncomfortable. Seriously I hate it and it is wrong. But I crave affection at the same time. 

4. I will do things and will not remember them. I have been told I have said some things that are completely out of character for me but I don’t remember it at all. It is usually just quick bursts of me saying something and not remembering it. But this is concerning. 

5. I “day dream” constantly. I have been building OCs my whole life, ever since I was about 3. And I constantly imagine their lives and what if they were to meet me. They don’t exist at all. I think I did this to fill a psychological void but now it is kind of taking over my life. I will often mouth things they are “saying” and will often mimic facial expressions and movements. Sometimes I will burst out laughing or crying. I won’t go into details about them because that shit is too personal for reddit (It’s like showing people my diary”). 

6. I dissociate and feel like I don’t exist or I am dead. I reach a higher level of thinking I guess. When that happens I can’t really do anything but stare into space. 

7. I am constantly worried about people (real or fake) watching me. I don’t want people to see me naked or some shit! I like privacy. 

8. I fear death as much as I crave it. 

So yeah this is probably a lot... I was just wondering about how much I should care about these problems or if they are normal. If you have any idea what this could be or what to do about it then I am all ears.