Hey guys, I'm a sixteen year old kid who's pretty fucking dumb and overthinks a tonne, and lately I've been anxious and worried about me having BPD, I'm not trying to undermine any of your disorders, so please don't get mad at me, I'm just confused and want to vent and I hope some of you can relate to this and help me out. I've gone through this subreddit multiple times and I've seen a lot of relatable posts. Just want to say again, I'm just a stupid kid who's probably wrongly self diagnosing, I don't mean any offense.
Last year in November I'm not sure what hit me and I lashed out really badly at my FP. I said some of the worst and most hurtful things about her and after she blocked me I proceeded to spam text her about how sorry I was to the point she felt like she was being harassed. Even now I can't let go of it, I check her social media regularly, I notice all she says and does and it's impossible for me to let go. Since then I've become emotionally unavailable and closed off, I don't feel okay opening up to anyone because I'll burden them, I am very conscious about what I say or do socially so that I don't lose more friends so that I'm not abandoned by people around me. I resorted to SH and various substances to dodge my emotions, I'm often overcome with overwhelming rage and it always leaves me confused about who I really am. Any ideas on how to get over your FP? Because right now I feel like I don't have any support and everything the FP does hurts me and bothers me or sends me into a spiral of rage and/or self loathing in which I destroy things around me or hurt myself.