I watched alot of lectures for bpd it was the wores thing to do because all I am seeing every symptom I have or is it a symptom. I start this play back of over analyzing my thoughts. I thought I understood what was going on but but wow. I'm newly sober and the one thing I know for sure is I no nothing. When I'm in a place that something happened in (that's pretty much every where I go) it will almost make me pass out. I seen so much death that I have a hard time feeling it I don't care. That's another thing I can't go into a hospital and say I'm suicidal because that shit be chronic it's a constant thing. To be clear I don't want to die I see it for what it is. But I will literally say I'm not the type of person that would kill himself. Like what? Yes I am who would believe that besides myself. I don't even remember me not thinking about it since I found out it was an option. I don't understand myself and in return I don't understand anyone. I don't like how much I can hate some one I love I don't get it.