hey everyone, i usually dont come on here but i felt i needed to today. so basically, i go to an all girls private skl in ldn, where almost everyone u meet has some sort of mental illness. the environment mostly sucks :/. i have a couple friends at school, i have social anxiety though so it is hard for me to talk to people sometimes, though i really do try to bc im scared of looking like im a loner. anyways, in around November 2021, this girl in our year (lets call her Ella) came to me and my (only) friend and started hanging out with us quite a lot. it was okay at first, but she started being rly mean to both of us and making personal comments. she was also a hypocrite e.g. me and my friend were meeting up to go to the city at the end of term and she mocked us about it but when we asked her what she was doing she said she was staying at home and watching Marvel movies. Now this is where i made the worst decision i have ever made so far in my life. I started becoming rly close with the Ella and unknowingly started blocking my best friend out. i hate myself for doing that. anyways, after that me and Ella were together for most of our school times. It was so fun. i was warned before becoming friends with her by quite a few people that she moved on from friendship groups rly quickly. but at the time i thought our friendship was different. spoiler: i was wrong. slowly, she started hanging out with other people and becoming really distant with me. i still hung out with her and the group she was in because i hate being by myself, but i knew our friendship was deteriorating. she made nasty comments to me such as, 'your ugly', and 'you have no other friends'. after a lot of thinking, i finally reached out to my previous best friend. i know it seems like im using her, but this experience made me reflect on my actions and i realised i should have reached out sooner. we hung out for the first time in months today, and it seemed like normal. (p.s. i dont change friendship groups quickly, me and my previous best friend had been close for 4 years straight). it was because she got mad at me for hanging out with Ella that our friendship broke apart.

so me and my prev best friend who just started talking today come back from eating lunch together (i didnt hang with ella cos she was being so distant and seemed like she didnt want me there). we go to the classroom and ella is sitting on her own. im surprised and ask her what shes doing here. to my shock, she cusses at me and says to front of my prev best friend, 'why r u guys hanging out when she (aka me) talked \*sssss\* behind your back?' im shocked as i never said anything bad about her behind her back, and shes trying to ruin our friendship. she turns her nastiness onto me and tells me i was being distant and didnt care for her. This is the opposite. i always asked her if she was ok and if she wanted to talk, but she always was like 'yeah im fine why' in an annoyed way. i started crying and went to the nurse where i was picked up by my mom cos i couldnt handle it. i find it so hard to make friends and yet i just seem to have lost two in the period of a few minutes.

thing is, i know i did wrong by not reaching out to my prev best friend sooner, but the fact that Ella is saying these lies behind my back and bullying me but turning it back on me makes me so upset. ive literally only ever said nice things about ella, and not because i find her nice. its because i dont have anyone else. it might be wrong but i dont have anyone else to turn to.

i literally cant go to skl tomorrow it will be so embarrassing to see them again. and the head of year will probably talk to us all because my mom called her, and i really mentally cant talk about it again. recently ive been going to the art room by myself at lunch, and feel like i have no one.

if u read this, thanks so much i know its very long:) any suggestions on how to feel better about going to skl and how to handle it? if anyone has any questions pls ask because i know it all seems confusing and i havent explained all of it lol