im 18 years old right now and since i was 12 i have had awful ocd. when i was 14 i went through the wrong puberty and realized i was trans at 15. i just came out to my family at 18 and they were very kind but they said things such as “you can’t feel a gender”, “trans people didn’t exist 15 years ago”, “i wanted long hair at your age too”, “i hated puberty too”. it crushed me. they think i’m just a feminine gay boy and i was ready to take hormones and now they are having me question everything. one of my family members said “i’m scared of how society will treat you” and i said “i don’t care, it won’t bug me” and she said “it will”. i think these ignorant fast comments are awful and critical to someone with ocd. i’m now obsessing over wether i’d be able to transition or wether i’m even trans because of them.

 my family has always been so good to me, and that’s why i feel awful being depressed. i feel because people have it worse than me that i shouldn’t be suicidal. my mom did apologize and she cried to me saying they should have listened to me and it’s a lot for her to process. i continued to try to explain and she still just wrote it off as i’m a feminine gay boy. my heart hurts. this was all after the night i ran out to my friends car with a bag packed and called my mom explaining to her that i needed time away and i was temporarily moving out because no one was understanding me and i started questioning everything. she cried saying please come home and my dad texted me saying “don’t do this to your mother”. i still feel fucking stuck being in my childhood room.

in conclusion, i feel nothing due to my ocd, dysphoria, and depression. i feel immense guilt for being depressed when there’s people coming out getting fully abandoned by there families. i’m tired, i’m numb, and i haven’t felt anything in so long, and i don’t know if i ever will again. i’m trapped in the wrong body, i have no purpose, i am addicted to my phone and i’m a terrible human. i just want to be ok. but here i am, a beautiful house, beautiful family, amazing friends, a cute dog, yet STILL i waist all my time on my phone and complain on the negatives? i feel like a waist and i should not have been born. i am an awful awful person, and honestly, i probably don’t deserve happiness