Or some kind of mental disorder. I’ve been on and off suicidal over a span of about four years and was hospitalized twice. I keep messing my life up by behaving in ways I wouldn’t condone, which I don’t understand. I overthink way too much and at times I’ve gotten angry to the point of lashing out/shredding up paper/throwing thing, was constantly oversharing and texting my friends (who won’t talk to me anymore) and spiraled into negativity so much that I felt suicidal. I have no friends and can’t keep them to save me and at one point I was abusive in a relationship. I’ve never been diagnosed before but when I do see psychiatrists they say I’m depressed and anxious and I’m put on an SSRI and those didn’t help. I’m not sure what to do