Before I say this, I just want to say that I'm not dx with BPD but I didn't know where else to put this :( I'm sorry

Today my mom and I (17F) got in the worst argument we've ever had, ever. I remember feeling better about it an hour earlier but I crashed and woke up and the pain rushed right back. I don't remember much of it honestly because I was crying so much and my head hurt so badly but I remember almost raising my fist to her face and it honestly scared me so much. When she saw my fist ball up, she started screaming at me even more and it seemed like everything I knew about her and everything I knew about myself was a lie. I've never in my life threatened to hit my mom before that point and I never thought I would, but in that moment she felt like such a stranger to me. 

I tried to see both sides of the argument but all I got out of it was: the reason I'm a failure is because of me. I haven't finished school yet because of me. I can't drive yet because of me. I lay in bed all day feeling nothing because of me. Everything is my fault. She didn't even try to understand why and kept comparing her struggle to mine. She just kept reminding me that she was doing better than me to some degree. "Well, I have bipolar disorder and I still do what I have to do. I have manic depression and I still lived alone when I was 17." I never get any empathy from her. It's like I'm on a mission to be better than her. 

After the argument she made me keep my door open just in case I tried to hurt myself, but that didn't stop me from fantasizing about it. For an hour straight all I could think of was hurting her and myself and it wouldn't stop. The more I pushed it away, the worse it got. I haven't been this angry in YEARS. I'm so hurt. I thought our relationship was so much better. I finally thought it was good enough to where I could slowly wean myself from these people I get attached to to forget about my real life. I thought that maybe I could finally stop finding men on the internet and sending nudes to pass the time because I had someone I could talk to again. But I can't. I was stupid for thinking that, I guess. It's back where we started. I want to run away and never come back here, even if it means I run forever. I'm just so lost.