This is tagged Seeking Support, but if I have been shitty, and if you do need to rip into me to make me see what's up - I mean, that's support too. I want to get better, not just feel it. Thank you.

Hey, all. Nice to meet you. Turns out I have BPD. I'm on the edge of dissociating right now, so if this gets a little weird, I hope you'll be patient and understanding.

I've been processing it for a while and it all kind of sucks - but it helped to put a name to the reason I feel the way I do, and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to progress.

So, like...

I moved to university in September, and I fell in with a cool group of friends. One of them - we'll call her Amy, but that's not her name! - quickly became my favourite person. I didn't realise that at the time - I thought I was falling for her.

And maybe I was! A huge part of why I feel so conflicted and confused is because I can't tell what's me and what's the BPD. I know I like her, and I know she's important to me, but aside from that, I don't know how strong my feelings actually were. But they *feel* strong, they feel all-consuming, and even though I tried to keep that side of it down low, I guess she knows that now.

So I asked her out, she said yes, but then said she needed some space from relationships because it was too soon and all. That's fine! I'm happy to be friends.

But it doesn't matter anyway - she quickly started dating another guy in the friend group. I'm genuinely okay with this - it stings, but she's happy, and that's what matters. He lives with her, they were closer; whatever. It didn't stop the feelings, though.

And it didn't stop us flirting, either? I felt awful for it, but it was all above board by her boyfriend, I guess, so it wasn't an issue. But I wanted to stop and just be wholesome friends but I just *couldn't*. She made me feel so valid and safe - like maybe I am the person I think I am when I'm barely awake, or that it's okay if I don't know what's going on in my mind.

Anyway, she started to catch feelings, drunkenly confessed. It wasn't anything big - just very casual, warm feelings, so I didn't really dwell on them outside of the implications of our behaviour. 

The day after we had a talk - she's just a slutty drunk, she didn't mean it - and I got upset. Like, intense upset, because I didn't like feeling lost again. It's okay if she doesn't feel the same! But I felt like I read a situation right, and I felt like I understood things, and then I didn't all over again and it wasn't *fair*.

So she clarifies, because I guess I strong-armed her: she has feelings, but doesn't *want* them.

So, nothing happens, we just hang out a lot. I'm comfortable because I understand the situation and why all the signals are mixed and everything. We're still very flirty, and it's terrifying and confusing and I feel worse than ever because even though her boyfriend never set up boundaries and trusts us, it's not her mock flirting with a friend anymore -- it's her mock flirting with someone who has feelings for her, when she is starting to feel, too? When he doesn't *know* that?

And that's worse!

So I go to another friend in the group -- she asked me not to, and I'll own that I stepped out of line, but my own friends said that they can't help me because they don't know her -- and relay the situation. I talked about how I feel, how I'm confused because of us flirting, how I'm scared I don't feel the way I think I do because it's all BPD, explained it all nicely, I thought. He said he'd never tell her I said any of this.

And then she got upset yesterday, and he asked if it was because of what was going on between the two of us, and now her boyfriend knows, and now nobody's talking to me and she says she needs space.

But needing space means going away, doesn't it? It always has for me.

I don't know. I'm *scared* - I don't want to lose the only friends I have here, but I feel I already have because I just can't switch off. I can't feeling so intensely. I can't take a step back and breathe and just let things be and I don't know how to *stop*.

I'm sorry. I know this is a doozy, but I hope that it's not too weird and that maybe I'm not as awful in this as I think. I think that maybe she's scared of me. I don't know.

Could I have some advice, please? I know I have to leave her be. Like, if she comes back at all, it has to be on her terms. I can't make her stay or be close to me or anything like that... because, like, it just wouldn't be right. And it's okay if she doesn't come back - she's allowed to do that.

But I can feel myself starting to spiral because she's *gone* and I don't want that. Maybe it is just space, but I doubt it. I don't have a proper therapist yet - I'm in the process - and I just feel so alone.

