I miss my best friend so much and I realized that I am an awful person. I am not “good” like I claimed to be just because I acted sweet. I realized that I used my best friend to make myself feel better, and I refused to let him go when he could not handle dealing with my BPD issues anymore. He set a boundary and I refused to abide by it. I called him evil and said the worst things I could toward him, but it turns out I’m just the asshole.

Somehow, things have gotten even worse in my life and I still yearn for his attention. But, I don’t want to abuse his generosity anymore. I want to value him as an individual, because then maybe I won’t see him as just something who can give me things to make myself feel better. I look at old pictures and videos of us having fun and I try to find the things that he does that doesn’t offer me anything directly at all. He’s funny, I like that he has goals, and I admire his strength.

How can I reconcile the feeling of really needing someone to talk to, with the feeling of really just wanting to admire a friend on their individual merits? Is it true that I can only be friends with someone like him once I have solved my problems on my own, or can I do anything to fix it regardless? I feel so low lately and I just want someone to have fun with, but I feel I don’t deserve anything anymore. Does this mean I am doomed to be without my best friend forever, or can I do anything to show that I am trying my best to be a good person? It all just feels hopeless nowadays...