After years of getting bullied in school &amp; military service i finally found a place where i have met people that i can relate to, speak to and feel equal about.

Its the first time in my life that i feel ,,home", the problem is it's only when i am surrounded by those people at work.

The problem is, as soon as i lay down in my bed exhausted and tired because i have sleeping problems my paranoia starts to kick in.

My ,,oh my god, you feel happy? well, dont forget what happend the last few times that you trusted people" type of thinking kicks in and i feel miserable even though there is objectively no reason to. 

No matter what people say to me at this new place i kinda always have a small ,,but" in my head and think that they might plan the biggest plot against me, i was hurt too often and have these really big trust issues.

When i go to work again i realise that it is 90% just my trust issues, paranoia and PTSD that robs me of beeing happy right now, and i have no clue what to do besides searching therapy which just takes so much energy away.  


Like, gifting someone your trust  just seems like too  big of a risk to me at this point, but i know that i have to risk it at some point because thats the only way to a better future.   


I think i wrote anything that i wanted to write for now, i hope that my english isn't too terrible and that i could express myself the way i wanted to.