this is the relationship that lead to my diagnosis, it was so toxic it REALLY agitated my undiagnosed mental illness and caused me to relapse. 

so my ex randomly messaged me on a random social media i forget i even have him on because he’s blocked everywhere else. 

last month, literally November 16th he i guess heard from some of our mutual internet friends that i’ve moved on, i met my fp while we were still together and it wasn’t meant to turn out the way it did but after we broke up i realized i just liked him a lot and wanted to see where that would go (it’s going really great) and he decided to beg for me back, obviously i wanted no part of his toxic nonsense anymore.

my ex while begging for me back told me i was moving too fast with my boyfriend, because i bought a plane ticket to go meet him in person(i see him next week, really looking forward to it!) 

well the other day he decided to tell me he’s seeing somebody too and he wants her to move in with him. they’ve had to have been seeing each other for less than a month because on the 16th he was still in love with me and still wanted to marry me and have children with me. he also wanted to tell me he’s doing super good and making 5k a month and that I shouldn’t stop talking to him just because my boyfriend doesn’t want me to and he wants to meet up and have coffee sometime and because why not he called me hun and later apologized and said he had to break that habit, I haven’t spoken to him since October. 

i’m honestly just rolling my eyes at him and i feel bad for the new girl. this is the dude that said i love you after 9 days after literally crying about his problems on the phone for 2 hours, not even my crazy ass would do that. this is the guy who was off buying weed for teenagers when i was pregnant with his baby (they were 18-19) and later on was concerned about when he could have sex with me again after i lost the pregnancy. this is the guy who thought inviting HIS female friend over would make me feel better after i attempted suicidal because he blamed all of our problems on me and i had a psychotic meltdown and the two proceeded to play video games together the whole time and ignore me. this is the guy who refused to let me move out and go back home to fix my mental health because i was struggling with an eating disorder, losing scary amounts of weight and thinking about suicide everyday.
this is the guy who played league of legends after i got home from being hospitalized because of suicidal thoughts i planned to act on and then told me it wasn’t a traumatic experience, you know being trapped in a freezing room when i was 104 pounds with a mattress on the floor without even a blanket with people around me screaming. I’ve never cried in public before but i did then

and in case you’re wondering yes he still wanted to fuck me when i was skin and bones and too weak to walk more than 5 minuets in the heat and yes it hurt.

i’m not the best person and i’ve hurt a lot of people in my life including him but i at least know i deserve much better than somebody who makes me feel like i’m nothing, so i left and i’ve been doing a lot better