I don’t know why I’m writing this but I know it will end up having a purpose. I felt like I needed to release what’s inside and break away from the chains in my mind- for now.

Growing up I always felt different. I never really felt connected with anything or anyone. I kept things inside. At some points I would really think I was a subject part of some government experiment. A failed experiment.

Throughout the years, I began to observe my behaviors and my decisions some more but it wasn’t enough to set off any alarms- at least not to me. At 17, I joined the US Army and vegan the real world that way. I served 8 years, deployed to Afghanistan, and left it in my past. That moment sparked what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and that was to give back and serve my community. I felt like that was one thing I was capable of doing and brought some purpose.

As years went on, things got darker. The more I wanted to do with life, the more resistance my brain gave. I got my bachelors and was starting my masters but I had to drop out. Maybe I was already summing I was going to fail and at the same time I lost complete interest in it al though it was a lifetime dream. 

The more I interacted the people, the more I realized I was behind and that I had to fight 1000% more than someone else to do something and keep to it. I ruined all my romantic relationships. I just disappeared. I disappear often. I ghosted all my jobs. They loved the work that I was doing but then I would suddenly leave and never come back. I’d ignore any calls and emails and just move on. 

I do that with family too. I’ll ghost for a few months until I’m stable but will only last until somethings happens where I leave again. Crazy thing is that I always put priority and importance on family- maybe that was in the least connected way possible.

I don’t have friends. 0. Right now I only have my cousins that I live with. That’s my circle- more like a square. 

From my time in the military until now, I worked with government agencies and non profits. I worked my way to community organizing and to the point where I was in the process of running for office but my mind has kept me in a loop of constant negativity. I know my patterns, I know what will happen.

I’m so embedded in my community now that people are starting to notice the patterns. Which had led to want to give it all up. For the past 3 days I haven’t left the house. For the past 3 months I’ve been still. All I keep thinking about is moving somewhere out of state and start over.

I’ve sought care from the VA where they diagnosed me with major depression, GAD, and BPD. My mind is broken and it’s becoming who I am.