My aunt visited me unannounced couple hours ago. Asked me why I don't visit, call them etc. her voice got broken couple times while asking this. 

Just said the same generic lines and acted like I was sick so I could avoid the interaction all together, they just leave after 2 minutes realizing I'm not inviting them in. She asked me to take a picture together so she can have something to remember me by, I know that picture is for my grandma.

I know my grandma is still crying because she misses me, wanted to visit me but couldn't because she is old now, it's been years since she last saw me. I'm not busy. I don't hate her. But still I can't find any energy to see her. I want these truths to inspire me to get better but it can't. I can't.

I'm the shell of what I used to be, lost huge chunk of myself along the way and I know I'll never get them back. I hate that this person I become hurts my family. I dissapointed everyone and continue to hurt them with my "unconcernedness." 

I want to miss my grandma, make her cookies and drink tea.

I want to go out with my mom and shop for clothes.

I want to have friends to gossip and go out for drinks.

Something is constantly holding me back from everything. I can't hit the "rock bottom" but can't reach for the happiness either so I can't thrive for anything. Living in the middle with the guilt that I'm constantly doing wrong things but still can't doing anything to make them better.