Hey guys i really need help with this one. 

For 2 month now I suffer from severe Depression, severe Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Depersonalisation and Derealization. 

Short summary what lead to this: 

A mix of a very intense and stressful Time at work (waiter in the Summer Season duh), a month long Illness (flu like, no Covid, was still working while dealing with this). 
After that happened an event wich caused extreme Anxiety, wich made me ruminate alot about said event, to the point it became obsessive, unstoppable and crippling. This continoued for weeks, no joke. My anxiety got worse and worse. 

While this continoued my sleep was destroyed. I didn’t slept more than 5 hours a night, with multiple wake ups, had instant racing thoughts about that „Problem“. 

I couldn’t eat anymore, I only drank soda and smoked a lot (cigs)

After 4 weeks of this I went to a mental health rehab center. 
I am 6 weeks in, but things are not improving. It gets worse and worse. 
I am medicated and am seeing a Therapist weekly. 

So now my Problem. The way my Mind/ Thoughts are right now is extremely crippling. 

I don’t know if it happened because of constant/obsessive rumination and self analysis, or if it is a symptom of Depersonalization, but I am so hyperaware of my thoughts and everything I do. I question myself all the time and feel so alienated. 

Another thing is my mind does weird thing it never does before this phase: 

- misreading words I see from the corner of my eye to things wich cause distress ( f.e because of my state I was scared to develop psychosis, I often misread word with S and Z and Schizophrenia), it happens with lots of other stuff. 

- because of the same fear (developing psychosis and reading up on the symptoms) I somehow am scared of coincidences and somehow my brain tries to see coincidences in everything, it’s kind of hyperviligant, and this causes anxiety. 

- my mind has become extremley fast to associate certain things with things that cause me anxiety. It happens so quick that this thought is fired of. I have no chance to react. 
F.E: my mom says mixed salad, the word mixed instantly is associated with mixed depression, psychosis etc. 

This happens with any word or thing wich causes distress in myself. I hate it and it drags me down 

- my mind is so quick with associating strangers I never saw before with people I know with some similar traits. It happens that I see someone and ask myself if I saw them before somewhere, but I know it can’t be ant that they just look familiar to someone I maybe one worked with etc. I dislike this a lot. 

So yeah my mind is constantly racing, I never get s break (only when I manage to be more positive, then it’s way more easy to handle), and I don’t know what is wrong. 

Did I put myself in this state by this extreme phase of rumination? (I still do it but is now about my condition and how I feel, all day long), am I mentally burned out? Due to the week long lack of sleep? 

I want to understand what is wrong