tw: suicidal ideation, harassment

So. Last year, I was diagnosed with MS and it was just really traumatizing. My mom has it and seeing her slip away in certain ways throughout my life was really hard because she's my favorite person. So getting the disease myself was just really scary and it really fucked with me. A lot of the traits that I struggle with got really bad and a few months after diagnosis, my boyfriend broke up with me. My dog died around this time too and I just completely spiraled. I tried really hard to get back to stability, I went through an outpatient program and I moved to a new city, trying to be ok. But I think it might have made me worse.

Due to weird psychiatrist issues during the move, I was put in a weird position where I was kind of forced to go cold turkey off of all my meds. During this time, the boyfriend that broke up with me started dating someone new. His family was posting her on their instagram stories and stuff, and then he posted a photo with her. I just lost it, it was the darkest place i've ever been in. I'd been bothering him a lot and I was extremely suicidal, I bought the supplies for it and everything. I thought i'd do it after visiting my mom for Christmas but after he posted the photo I just decided I wanted to that night. I sent him a lot of horrible messages. I really felt like I was losing my mind. This was in the middle of the night and as I was having a pretty loud panic attack during this, my mom heard me and stopped me from doing anything and I went to a mental hospital.

And I got better after. I sent him a straight forward apology on the one place I hadn't been blocked. I stopped checking up on him. I deactivated all of my social media. I started really facing my MS and coming to terms with some of it. I was taking my meds again, going to therapy, exploring tms and emdr. But then the pandemic happened. And at first, I was just spiraling about the news. But then time passed and no one reached out to me even though i'm high risk. And I kept thinking about that. And about how he wasn't. And I started spiralling. I reactivated my instagram thinking i'd be ok. His mom started replying to all my stories and I started spiralling more. And then I just snowballed back to where I was all those months ago.

I messaged him on the one place where I wasn't blocked. Which was stupid, i'm an idiot. He didn't reply. I checked up on his girlfriend and just started spiralling more and more and more. I'm doing really badly. I lost my job because of COVID and i'm about to lose my insurance. I'm scared and I don't really have anyone. I miss him and his friendship. I hate that I miss him because honestly he did a lot of really not great things throughout our relationship but I do. I don't get close to anyone ever and i'm just so sad that he doesn't care about me and that he could replace me so easily after claiming to be so in love with me and that he "wasn't going anywhere". 

I'm so sad and neurotic right now. I wish he would reach out to me. I don't know how to pull myself out other than calling my mom every other day crying. I feel like i'm stuck in this anxiety/depression loop again and I hate it here, giving into compulsions about him that I hate. I feel kind of better venting here. If you read all of this, thank you.