**Is there anyone whom this happens with:**  

*  \~80% of your life is going well but a gust of misfortune/something bad happening makes you feel like life is horrible and you can't continue like this (but also feel helpless in the face of it?)  

* You know what you have to do, you have all the resources and time, you have no external stressing agent and yet the thought of doing the task makes you so mentally uncomfortable that you race away to any escape you can find  

* Don't really feel like doing anything. Even productive things in which you might have even gained some momentum; The next day you just let it all go and return back to your original apathetic state.  

* Be happy in the presence of someone you love and who loves you but back to normal when they leave (I suppose people are also an escape, much like a good TV series).  

* Have these crazy ambitions which on one hand you believe but on the very same moment you think you will actually never get it.   
*Cause you aren't working hard enough for it. Cause you are actually a bit dumb and slow. You can't react well to things and keep making mistakes, often similar ones. And these are facts that you know with certainty to be true.*  

* Keep saying "I want to kill myself" without actually meaning it (I think this is just me, it's weird but yeah I say it from time to time. I don't actually want to kill myself but i have no idea why I am compelled to say it. This has stayed with me for years now, even when things are going well)  

* Develop a sense of intense discomfort towards work/study  

* Feeling a sense of impending doom irrationally. Feeling anxious about life in general.

&amp;#x200B;

I think I can keep expanding this list but no one would want to read it then. I eat healthy, used to workout until recently (covid situation got worse,gyms closed). But I suspect this is genetic. I have seen my Dad have these Bipolar like episodes. He clearly isn't very healthy mentally. Nor do I think he is sharp or a good decision maker. 

I think I inherited all these qualities. And my life will have a lot of suffering