       Im having a hard time today, I wanted to share my story so far, to get it out there and maybe i can feel better. Its a long read. This is not in its complete form, as there is plenty missing on both my end and the ones ive loved. This is only the shortest format I can sum it down to in a timeline. 


When I was younger he raised me as a single father, when I was 5 my half-brother(6years older than me) had moved in with us due to his biomother trying to drown him(or so that is what I was told). 
     My father then started dating, he would always put his girlfriends before us. He even married one and me and my brother suffered greatly for it. We would be stripped down naked and beat with fence boards, shoved into puddles of urine and forced to recite scriptures flawlessly or have to suffer consequences. We were even home schooled so no one knew a thing. I suffered some serious trauma and was even raped by my own brother for years. Then only reason my father got divorced and "saved" us from that god aweful place was when he realized his wife was cheating on him. 
      When we moved out i was about 8 years old and my brother 14.   My brother became very interested in the occult and was then beaten by my father and kicked out onto the streets as I watched. Something about that moment made me more frightened than anything else. My father turned to me, and the words branded my psyche, he says " you are the spawn of satan, you are my karma, for all the wrongs ive done in war" i remember crying and just leaving the room. It was just me and my father again. I started going to an actual school, i was very socially awkward and not sure how to interact with people my age. I excelled in my studies and made good grades, I wasnt the best at keeping my room tidy, but id do my best to help out with the rest of the house. My father never let me hang out with friends, or play outside. he was very controlling in that aspect. He never told me he was proud of me for getting good grades and only pointed out things i was bad at or what he feels was wrong. 
   I(at this time 11) remember being expelled from private school because i was "weird" (i shit you not, it was a religious private school and they said they can expel for any reason they want). My father did the most confusing thing that day, he took me home, "disciplined" me (with a belt buckle to the back and legs), then he told me it wasnt my fault and took me out for a celebratory dinner. I still dont fully umderstand it. He told me he knows I didnt do anything wrong, but I had allowed myself to be put into a situation and that is why I was disciplined. It was at that moment, I finally questioned my authority and wanted to make something different of myself. 
       (12yo) I cut off about 24in of my hair, started wearing makeup and listening to
my own music.  My dad of course started dating again, only this time she had two daughters. Both of them were younger than me but not by much. I was "edgy" and they were pretty in pink. Needless to say I was an outcast. My father started to ignore me, before he was just shitty but now I've been abandoned. I was only allowed to shower omce everyone else was out. I remember beimg home alone ome day so i decided to shower( finally a hot shower) as im putting shampoo in my hair my father comes home and bangs on the door, telling me im selfish and only took a shower because i knew he was coming home. He forced me to get out still covered in soap and wait.... I couldnt eat half of the dinners they have prepared because I was allergic to something, my father would act like he didnt know. My birthday and his gf birthday are 2 days apart. We had to share parties, though I neber enjoyed them, i couldnt eat the cake or food due to allergies (chocolate and crab boil). He would then get mad at me and act like i was lying and just beimg picky,even though he has seen my allergies first hand. (To this day he still "cant remember" my allergies) 
      I started getting depressed, no one at my home liked me, and most of the kids at school found me weird. Thenbest thing my dad had ever let me do was get a cat. Oh she has helped me through so much. May she rest in peace now. Anyway, i was still good in school, above average. I was always trying to hard to impress my father, make him proud. Even if my aesthetic was steange i was a good girl. I did the best i could. I never snuck out at night, i never drank from the jug, got good grades, my room was still a mess though. 
   At 12 i had my first crush, a boy with hair down to his hips, blonde and wavy, eyes blue as the sky on a cloudless day. He played music and wrote poetry, he also was im honora classes. We became friends at school, hemwould pick om me like boys that age do, but we became familiar with each other. My father of corse dissaproved of our friendship..mor any friendship I had really.  My father had left me home alone one day as he took his new family to dinner. I had called my crush over via landline, i sat him im the back yard as he sat on the other side of the gate and told him he wasnt allowed because of my father. But he technically wasnt on our property so i figured i wasnt disobeying. He played his guitar for me, pink floyed-wish you were here, and thats when i had my first kiss. Leaning over a chainlinked fence. But my father came home, and he saw it. He took out his gun and chased away my crush. The one person who made me feel wanted. Then he turned to me, beaten me black and blue until i couldnt move. Spitting on me, even kicked me a few times. Called me a whore, and a slut. Dropped me off in front of a Walgreens for my bio mother to find me. I havent seen her sense i was a toddler, i dont even remember what she looks like. That was the first time I cut myself. 
    Days went by, my father calls and begs me to come home. I figure the school said somethimg about my absence. I decided to go back, just to see my crush again. I have lacked love kindness and affection for so long that I went back to my father just so i can see this boy. I really thought we would be together forever. I went to school. I wore makeup to try and cover the bruises. I only owned one school skirt (no shorts or pants) and that is what told my secret. I had to strip down and take off all my makeup. They then reported the bruises and cuts on paper. I wasnt allowed to go home until social services took a look...I sat in the office and they called my father, put him on speaker phone, asked him about my condition. I heard him say i was a troubled child, who never listens. They asked is he had punched me in the face, he denies, so they asked how i ended up with a black eye. He didnt speak.i was allowed to go home an hour later. I get home my father is waiting outside for me. He is upset because now he is being watched. I told him wanted to be able to see my crush i wanted friends. I threatned him. I felt powerful. I was scared but i was desperate.... He agreed. 
      My father and I wouldmt speak. Its been 2 years and rarely spoke to each other. Until I was 15 and ended up pregnant. By the same boy i had a crush on at 11-12. But you see he moved away, he told me, that if I was prettier he would have loved me more. That we were young and i was crazy. That I was damaged. I had developed an eating disorder, my depressiom became over bearing, my forced therapy wasnt helping. I just sank deeper and deeper. 
   I was still good in school. I was honors, duel enrollment even while pregnant. I only missed 2 weeks of school, the week i gave birth amd the week after to recover. My father said I had no choice but to get rid of the baby. Meaning if i couldnt get an abortion, or didnt do adoption i was on the streets. My mother called and offered me to live with her, butnyounsee i despised her too, i was the only one of her 8 children she didnt take care of. And i was the middle child. I decided to go with adoption, i was too young and too broken. It was very difficult for me, and it still hurts to this day. But i do not regret that choice. 
    All of my things have been destroyed, my sanity was fading. (16yo)I tried to kill myself not long after. I had made friends but never saw them outside of school. I was still weird. Ive tried to date but i was too crazy or unstable. I was looking for a companion, i needed love and i was too young to expect that kind of seriousness. Once i graduated highschool i moved out. With my cat and moved in with a boyfriend i had at the time (i had just turned 18 he was 29). I started bartending and thing seemed to have gotten better. Until i started drinking. I would drink everyday. My eating disorder was still a problem, and i stopped my therapy.  I no longer cut myself i only found other waysnof self harm. Id sometimes have breakdowns and would react extremely. 
   One year later (19yo) i had moved in with a women (24yo). We had started dating. My other lover has given up and became a bore. I found another to help motivate me. She was amazing. We were great together....until we werent. She cheated on me, emotionally abused me and gaslighted me. I honestly think she is a sociopath. The way her smile would curl up her face, the way she would laugh as I cried. 
     One year later (20yo) i moved back in with my ex boyfriend, you know the older man. But this time just as a roommate in my own room and stuff. We became friends, we still are. My drinking problem has ended just as fast as it started. I replaced it with smoking pot, i must admit it helped a lot. I was still as skinny as a skeleton, suffering body positivity issues. I was struggling to pay my bills, as i stopped bartending. Then one day this beautiful boy, whom looks so familiar as for my hand. We started dating...I turned 21 and 2 months later we broke up. But this time, i think he was more broken than me. He was an artist. With beautiful brown hair. His name permanently drawn onto my ass(yes my crazy self got his name tattooed onto my ass, only a 3 month relationship). 
      At this point in my life I have been in and out of therapy, suffering internally and physically, been raped and abused, neglected and misstreated. My Dr. told me I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Even though I was "high functioning". I know ive done things wrong and my outburst make me seem crazy, but I try to be better everyday. 

      August 2017, i planned to just hop states after becoming homeless and living in my car for a few months. I still had a job, just couldnt afford any rent. I got a message online asking if i wanted a bartending gig. I figured, why not. Even if only for a little while, money is good and itnwas at a place outside of my hometown. I met this dreamy man, as old as twice my lifetime. Still beautiful, fiesty, put together. He hired me, trained me, loved me and took care of me. To this day (22yo) i am still with him. And i still suffer with my past trauma. I am better, somedays i get really low. Like today. But I will always be better than my past. 

There are so many things i left out, both bad and good. But for today this will be all I say. Thank you for reading. I really needed to just map it out. 