Background: I have a history of mood disorders and disassocation. I was medicated with mood stabilizers for 15 years beginning at nine years old. I was severely bullied from a young age. I didn't have a lot of friends. My parents absolutely hated each other but stayed together "for the kids". Never had a relationship with my dad. My mom would not accept my bisexual identity. They hated gay people and most minorities. Told me I'd be kicked out if I ever had sex or got pregnant. They spoiled me, but you could call their upbringing unconditional love. 

I've been suffering from panic attacks, disassociation, insomnia, intrusive thoughts, and severe mood/personality swings for the last six months ever since I started to realize things about myself and my husband. It started after a huge fight with him. He said some triggering things to me, things that toed the line of manipulation or psychological abuse. "Your body is my body." "Go lay on the bed and get ready for sex or I'm watching porn". But I said some selfish things and nasty things about him, things considered devaluing.

Our relationship probably didn't start out very healthy. I had a history of sexually pleasing men in high school and college. He was one of them. I didn't really want to have sex but I wanted him to want me. He was so opinionated and funny and outspoken. He cheated on his GF with me. Then we went a while without talking because he started telling people were sleeping together and his girlfriend made him block me on Facebook. I was pissed, but looking back I had NO RIGHT. 

So then I dated a terrible guy in the army who manipulated me and abused me, promised me we'd get married, got matching tattoos which I paid for, dumped me over the phone while he was halfway across the country, and later found out he cheated on me and gave me an STD. I decided to run back to my now husband (THAT SAME NIGHT) who had broken up with his girlfriend (she ended up in a mental institution for wanting to kill herself). We built our relationship on sex. He promised me if I could make him finish from XX blowjobs, he would "put a ring on it". And I tried so hard to make that happen. After a few months, I found myself feeling more and more uncomfortable during sex. He had a lot of kinks, things like telling me he wanted to "rape me" or begging for threesomes. Pushing my head down hard on his dick until I'm choking. He was addicted to porn, watching is for sometimes an hours or more at night, and then comparing me to girls in there. Fraud charges on our credit cards from buying porn. I have found it very hard to enjoy sex. In fact, I kind of dread it.

I'm not broken though, and I'm definitely at fault, too. I've posted many anonymous naked pictures online. I formed an extremely addictive online sexual relationship with a woman (who turned out to be a catfish). I have such a strong desire to be wanted by strangers. Basically, anyone who doesn't love me.

I started therapy after several huge fights with my husband and I started reading the 12 steps books after a lot of marijuana abuse on my end. I realized I was being selfish and not dealing with problems or communicating effectively. This is when I also realized I have a problem with attention-seeking, needing validation, and toxic relationships. My therapist said I sound a little codependent, BPD, and NPD. Our first year of marriage has been HARD. Probably harder than most people's. I just feel like it's either all black or all white. I either love him to death and act like his little "baby" and "wifey" or I just devalue him and act like he is a monster and an irresponsible idiot and talk trash about him to everyone. It's like I'm a different person around him.

He has ADHD and has destroyed 3 cars in a year and I try to be understanding. However, I find myself thinking less and less of him and reconsidering a future with him. I've built so much contempt, I don't really know if this is the person I want to share my life with. I realize that's kind of selfish. Is it wrong to think less of someone over money and cars? He claims he loves me so much, but I feel like, am I just giving of myself over and over again. One second "it's fine baby, it's just money." And the next second I'm throwing it in his face telling him he's a "manchild". We don't really have any goals together, and now that I'm saying it out loud it kind of scares me.

What's sad is that I think part of me does love him, or at least I thought I did. I'm SO afraid to be without him. But I'm afraid I've just used him to fill my void of extreme loneliness. But ironically, he does the same to me! He doesn't want me to go on work trips, he doesn't want me to make friends, he doesn't talk to his family (his father abandoned him and his stepdad was abusive) and we really only talk about other people and surface-level things...

To make matters worse, I sometimes wonder if I'm actually a lesbian, or if I'm just craving someone new. I've only had one real experience with a woman when I was 16. I remember really enjoying it but feeling so ashamed that I broke it off with her and told her "it's not normal. I need to be normal." I was scared to death of my mom. I've actually confessed to him three months ago that I thought I was a lesbian, and then when I saw him crying I realized how bad I hurt him, which hurt me, and I quickly took it back. He's my favorite person, and I could not even imagine a life without him in it. So I told him I guess I've just been sexually traumatized so many times, I must just be confused. Part of me LONGS to explore the lesbian side of me, but I also wonder if maybe I'm just a covert narcissist and I've gotten tired of him and I'm ready for my next thing. I remember talking to girls in college when I was younger and them saying "You're such an asshole. It's a turn on." Or, "you have such a big ego". So the dilemna is, I'm not sure gender even matters. I think I just don't know how to love.

The psychiatrist has me on Lamictal, Topamax and Zoloft. I'm scheduled for an assessment at a mental health hospital on Wednesday, even though my husband thinks I'm possibly overthinking everything. I keep having moments where I'm like, "What are you doing? You're fine. You're not a narc. He's gaslighting you and maybe if left you'd be okay." And then I immediately start crying and saying "No, this is you blaming him and trying to hide from your problems because you've been exposed and it feels like you don't know how to cope and you might lose him and your entire life is ruined". And then I have a panic attack and my entire day goes to shit and I can't eat or sleep or breath. I don't know how to function.

TLDR; I think I'm going through narcissistic moritification. I thought I loved my husband, but now I'm not sure. He's been a little manipulative and abusive, but I'm also at fault. Also struggling with my sexuality, but can't tell if I'm truly confused or just longing for my next victim.