I can't stop thinking about her abandonding me. Not because I'm not enough - I know I am. I can't do my normal daily "fun" activities (play a game, make music) because of it. I'm an atypical patient (as my doc says) even in the BPD spectrum. I can tell y'all that I love myself, I'm confident (in a healthy way), that I have a real, non-changing personality that doesn't change because of someone BUT I still feel those unrational things. When my gf seems "off", I'm anxious as hell, like right now. She's going through a big phase of her life, she's trying to change for the better because she also got mental problems (undiagnosed, but I see it like a mixed type personality disorder). I'm actively trying to "subtly" help her. She has/had a really bad cycle of friends that negatively impact(ed) her - doing drugs etc. They're not "real friends" who would support her in her worst, they just need her to go out with them and drink. They can only talk about alcohol &amp; drugs. One person also told her friend "she should break up with him [me] so she can drink with us" even though I didn't restrict her from a single thing. She can do whatever she wants (of course not to have something with someone other than me), she got freedom. She realized that about her friends when we got together only 3 months ago. I told her the truth about them and she started thinking, then she realized that it's true.. She was feeling mentally unwell recently and they were mad at her for not going out (like a fucking little kids.. my gf is 20, I'm 22M). We also had an argument 3 weeks ago because she did MDMA after she told me that she won't even drink and she had to go to work the next day. If she told me, I'd just say "ok, thanks for telling me" but no - she chose to lie to my eyes multiple times. This is now gone but she lost my trust I gave her. I think that giving her "my wisdom" will help her (and already helped), because she realized a lot of things and I've been through A LOT, so I know about these things. On the other side.. My fear of abandonment. Since I don't 100% trust her anymore + this type of people around her, it's just giving me terrible anxiety. I fear that she'll just break up with me (I almost broke up with her after the lies and when I told her, she told me that she can't be here without me, that I'm the only person she has who's really here for her). There's no real reason why'd she do that in my eyes, but you never know. I'm her first partner that treats her like a human being (and I'm sorry for that.. she got scars from her past as I do). Also, she can't express her feelings towards me that much, she's not that type. We don't say "I love you" often. I need more reassurance from her and I told her already but it's like talking to a wall. She's also often acting like a child, but I fucking love her with all my heart. We're happy when we're together. I don't know what else to say.. 

And the last part - something about me..

I had a pretty tough life (like all of us), I live by myself from 16yo because my parents couldn't take care of me. I was alone but I managed to stay alive and I came this far. I started making music @ 15yo and became a successful artist in my little country but the hype and motivation is gone for me (music gave me a meaning to my life, it saved me). I was hooked on Xanax for 6 years (12-20mg daily because of tolerance, was not abusing it), stopped entirely but I'm back on it because of what I wrote above, just taking less. The real biggest problem in my life are opiates/opioids. I now take 40mg of Oxycodone daily (also not recreationally, tapered from 80mg to 40mg) and I drink lean few times/month (recreationally but mainly to just turn off and relax for a min.. + I don't feel it almost at all anymore because of my tolerance). Oxy does help a lot - it's the best mood stabiliser for me, it's numbing my emotions and it's for the better. It also manages my post-op chronic pain. I lost a lot, my suicidal thoughts are back and I'm losing weight from the stress again. 

I JUST DON'T WANT MY GF TO LEAVE,  that's it. That's really all what hurts right now. This "little" thought. It's slowly killing me and yes, I talked about it with my gf, just not like this because she'd run away from me.

Sorry that this was long, but I needed to tell y'all, because this community is amazing. 

Thanks for every comment/support/advice.♥️ have a great