i’ve been noticing that i have a very avoidant attachment style, but that it happens especially when there’s conflict. i tend to withdraw and completely shut the other person out, and i try to solve my problems with words, i really do, but it’s like the second my brain senses there’s conflict i’m already drawing away from the other person. 

i begin to lose feelings, tell myself it was going to end anyways; i am basically mentally preparing myself for a break up that hasn’t happened yet. this behavior has already cost me two relationships because i wasn’t able to open back up and be as attentive to the other person as i should have been, and they ultimately thought i wanted to leave. i didn’t want to leave.. it was just to protect my feelings from getting more hurt. 

and then, this destructive behavior ultimately ends in them actually leaving, or me leaving them, and then i find myself utterly broken again. and, more likely to repeat this behavior the next time i’m in a relationship, but with even less trust; i just believe that everybody’s temporary and i should cut my losses immediately. it’s a toxic, awful cycle. 

i don’t want to be like this anymore. after my very recent breakup with an amazing guy that went wrong because of me, i realized this about myself, and i hate it. i want to be able to face conflict openly without fear. i want to be able to stop putting up walls as a defense mechanism every time i sense that something is wrong, because all it is is self sabotaging behavior. 

i have had a hell of a childhood and abusive parents so that’s where i imagine most of my maladaptive behaviors stem from. so what do i do? would a therapist help? i’ve been realizing a lot of toxic patterns about myself and i really need.. something. i don’t want to be the way i am anymore.

edit: i also have a multitude of other issues that would take days to get into, but this is one that has been really impacting me recently and has really opened my eyes to myself.