I can’t stand feeling this angry all the time. I feel uncontrollable anger. I punch pillows (because the times I’ve tried to punch walls and objects it messed up my hand lol) kick walls and objects. Sometimes break things when I’m very angry. I just want to break glasses and see them shatter. I want to scream. I really want to scream. I could scream for hours. But I’ve lost my voice before from screaming too much. I feel so much rage and agitation. I feel bad for my parents because they have to see me like this all the time. I feel so guilty. They deserve a normal happy life. 

The anger is sometimes completely justified and sometimes irrational. Because it can get triggered by the most stupid things, like someone being mildly rude to me will make the anger and pain from previous more serious things come to my mind and I’ll spend DAYS fuming. One negative interaction with someone mean or even reading something malicious online, even if it has nothing to do with me, will ruin my whole week. I HATE being this sensitive. 

I feel extreme anger at people being mean, like some nurses at the psych ward I was involuntarily hospitalized at once, or even something like people road-raging and tailgating and honking at me when I’m going the speed limit. Or just someone being mean online to someone who isn’t even me. I’m so angry at these types of people. It’s constantly on my mind. I have these violent fantasies and I’d never act them out but I can’t control the thoughts. I even have dreams where I’m bashing their heads into walls. I’m always panicking and fuming about the immense suffering in the world and how helpless I feel to do anything about it. 

I HATE feeling this much anger all the time. I want to stab myself in the chest and stomach 50 times until I die. But that’s not even a reliable method so it isn’t worth the pain.