This is my first time doing a thread ever in my life. I'm just wondering if anyone with BPD can help me somewhat explain why I feel the way I feel about the following things and do what I do...I'm a 21 year old male. I was diagnosed with BPD last Friday in Baltimore while my parents drove down from Jersey to be there for the session. I have had multiple girlfriends growing up and have slept with I really can't even remember how many women. It's not too bad though. The last time I can remember having real feelings for a girl (or in general for that matter) was when I was 16 she cheated on me and then after that I really don't remember ever having any genuine emotion towards any relationship or girl. I was already in the beginning stages of depression before this relationship by the way and almost made a suicide attempt at 15 but my brother stopped me. I always felt as if I had to fake my emotions to somewhat fit into society which is why I would get girlfriends and so on to hold somewhat of a status and let people know I was like them. I had girls that cheated on me after that but I never got as upset because they explained to me that I don't show any emotion, no affection, and at the point that they're saying this, is the point where I've already done my acting of showing them emotion...so I replace it with buying them things or trying hard to come up with a good idea for their birthday something stupid like that. I was diagnosed with depression as well as ADHD when I was 18 and I was suggested to try picking up a hobby. I though that was dumb advice, being that the reason I was in that clinic after passing out from an anxiety attack. This girl suggested I started doing music so I did and I made a mixtape, made an official music video got an offer from Atlantic Records but turned it down so on and so on but none of that made me happy. When people played my songs at parties or in front of their friends I would get extremely nervous and anxious thinking they would smile and tell me they like it when in reality they're going behind my back and saying "his mixtape booty he got no bars I don't know why people listen to this fool" or something stupid like that around those lines. Anyway, when the music started becoming successful for me I decided I should get a girlfriend and I had been talking to this girl for the past year but never really asked her out or anything cause I just didn't have a reason I guess I don't know but she had known about my depression and stuff like that so we went out and honestly the whole time it felt as if I was looking outside of the relationship from the outside of the window and looking in. I did not know how to understand how to show my emotions. I couldn't show affection at all even when I try to force myself to. The feeling that I had for her was DEFINITELY inside of me but I didn't exactly know how to feel it or express it. It's hard to explain so when my depression kinda got worse she said you need to get help you need to get help and over a year of her being in my life and helping me out, 2 weeks after I finally took her advice to go to a psychiatrist, she breaks up with me in the most unexplained way about an hour after I had quit my job off campus while in college to go drive 2 hours to surprise her that same night. I asked her if she cheated, if it was because of my lack of affection, I asked her everything because I didn't care if she cheated on me or whatever it was. I just needed a reason to make logical sense of it and she never gave a reason just left. I through fits and was extremely depressed and did not understand where all that emotion was coming from, which I'm sure made her want to distance herself away from me more considering how outraged and mad I was.I was confused. After that I remained confused over hurt in silence. Got over it after a month and focused on myself and ever since then I, socially, isolate myself from the world pretty much. Help make sense it if you can I don't know if I worded this correctly.  