It all started from the moment when I, being in a relationship, under the kissed another guy. I dated a boyfriend for 5 years, but then I betrayed him just for feeling attracted to someone else.  It was as if I was ready to forget all 5 years of relationships just for the feeling of excitement. My boyfriend stopped be interesting for me, but I didn't tell him anything, just hurt him because he needed my help, and I didn't do anything for him. and at the same time trying to please the other guy. After my betrayal, a loved one could no longer trust me, but he wanted to help me. I wanted to explain that I was confused, that I had to understand myself.But I didn't want to understand myself, it freaked me out and I didn't want anything to change. I started dodging answers, not telling  the truth to my boyfriend. It lasted six months. My boyfriend managed to define me and found that I really am not the person that I am. It turned out that it was normal for me to do things that seemed abnormal to other people. It is normal for me to manipulate people in a way that only I feel good. I don't care about the others: I didn't like the fact that my boyfriend talks to his sister, I did so that he talked less with her, I didn't like that the guy talked to other people, I did so that he did not communicate with them. Sometimes I get these twisted thoughts when I'm around the kids. I have a fear that I can be sexually aroused, this fear of the forbidden I really like. It is normal for me to betray my friends: I do not love them, I do not feel empathy for others, I am only guided by selfish goals. For me close people are the most terrible enemies. It's like I hate them. I have no empathy for people, even the closest ones. I often think that someone died from my loved ones, and I feel like I'm enjoying it, and it's like it doesn't hurt my feelings at all. Sometimes I ask myself if I could kill someone myself. And the answer to that question is Yes. That I have no boundaries. as if I'd do anything to feel any feelings.  But I didn't care, I wasn't interested at that moment. I kept lying. I told my boyfriend a lot of terrible, terrible things that weren't true. I was lying so that he would finally leave me alone. After all this time, I couldn't distinguish the truth from fiction. I Drove myself into a dead end. I confused him and myself. And then I made it so that our relationship was no longer possible: I made my boyfriend stop trusting me absolutely in everything. He just couldn't tell if I was telling him the truth or lying.
Now I'm completely alone with all these demons. I don't know what to do. I'm always angry at everyone around me, I'm jealous of everyone, I hate people. I stopped lying to get rid of horrible thoughts, but it doesn't help me. Terrible thoughts of violence, violence to children constantly haunt me. I go to a psychiatrist and a psychologist, but nothing helps me. Now I understand that I have done all this throughout my life and did not see anything shameful in this, and I am disgusted by myself. But all these thoughts are constantly spinning in my head. And now I hate myself, I think about how perverted I am, how bad I did to my boyfriend, how bad I did to my loved ones. I don't know what to do. I hate myself and at the same time I can't get rid of horrible thoughts.