hey everyone. 
i have been in a constant state of depersonalization for about 5 months straight, no joke. it just never ends. nothing really feels real. i cannot feel anything but the hole in my chest. i keep trying to claw my way out but it just isn’t working.  
last year i got into the most serious relationship i have ever been in. we told eachother everything, he saw my cry, i was very honest about my bpd, i felt like i could really trust him and it was all great. i will add that we are long distance, by many, many states. we don’t get to see eachother often. 
anyways, last year, he told me he was going to make music at his friends house for an hour. i said okay and then fell asleep, and when i woke up in was 7 am here (6 am where he is) and i had no texts from him like i usually did. i looked at his location and he was not where he said he was, and then he started moving around. i texted well over 80 times and he left me on read with all of them. i raged and cried so hard until i threw up. i just knew he cheated on me. when he came back home he finally texted back and said he went to a party with his friends. and that his location was moving because they were dropping someone off. then a couple weeks later i find out his ex is there because his friend told me, and i rage all over again.
ever since then, even though he swears that nothing happened, i think of it all the time and freak out and then my mind spirals and thinks of all the other shit he might have done or who else he cheated on me with. i literally cannot get it out of my head and i am obsessed with it. i constantly break up with him and ignore him and put him on do not disturb and i don’t really care if he fights for me anymore because in my heart he cheated on me. this is torture because i am such an emotional person and such a lover that i have never just shut something down like this. i can’t feel anything but anger towards him. and it really sucks because of how much i did love him and plan my life with him. i used to feel so good. 

his family is abusive to me and they call me absuive because i cry over him cheating. they’re allowed to literally bully and taunt me but when i show emotion it’s abusive. i’m really sorry i’m all over the place but i am stuck in this miserable feeling and i’m just cutting everything off because i feel nothing and i don’t care. i hate it.