have felt like actual shit about this the whole week and i dont know how to cope with it. at the moment (i was drunk and was going through some kind of hypomanic/mixed manic episode im pretty sure) i was just so extremely fed up with repressing my obsessive feelings and them not knowing that i was hurting inside just thinking about them that i just dropped the bomb out of nowhere and walked away without looking back. 

i hoped that it would bring me some kind of closure but im not sure if it has. sometimes i feel like it did, that i can finally move on now, but other times i cant bring myself to do anything but cry because i feel so genuinely hideous, unlovable, and monstrous for dropping that bomb on them and not even giving them the opportunity to respond. i guess the mood swings and ever changing ideals are just a part of the disorder. i also feel like ive completely fucked the friendship i had withthis person, since they are a pretty close friend of mine who ive never outwardly expressed romantic feelings for.