CW: substance abuse, suicide, sex, and just extremely negative thoughts that could trigger someone 
Sorry in advance for my grammar I’m freaking out so I don’t care much for it. This is also going to be very long bc I haven’t been able to see my therapist in weeks and I don’t have much of a support system at all. I’ve had a really bad past few days. I’ve been through a ups and downs like crazy and I feel like I’m going crazy honestly. It all really started last Thursday. I finally registered for school and I was proud and looking forward to it. It’s my second year as a senior bc I dropped out last year and didn’t make any effort toward any GED so I figured it’d be best to take a steps back from being an adult and just go back and take things the way they were supposed to go. So I was excited. I got off work that night and went to see my boyfriend. I wanted to talk to him about everything that had happened and just idk be able to vent in a way too but I got there kinda late and he falls asleep super early so by time I got there we were going to bed. I couldn’t sleep at all. I was tossing and turning then decided that I should just masturbate and try and sleep afterwards bc thatd give me some kind of relief that I desperately needed. 
So yeah there I am right next to my snoring boyfriend fucking masturbating. I’m not even gonna lie I was hella turned on and it was almost even hotter just bc he was next to me completely unaware. But then I started getting scared that he was awake and mad at me but I continued. After finishing I felt good and cuddle up next to him to go to sleep and tried to put his arm around me jsut bc I mean that’s comfortable. But he reacted to that in his sleep not the way I’d want lmao he just moved his arm like to his head and turned over so immediately of course I was like “YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HE HATES YOU BITCH HE KNOWS YOU JUST BUSTED A FUCKING NUT RIGHT NEXT TO HIM AND HES DISGUSTED IN YOU AND HATES YOH LMAOOOO JSUT FUCKING LEAVE HIS HOUSE NOW BC YOU ARE ACTUAL SCUM LMAO WTF????”
Yeah so struggled with that for a couple days 
He went on vacation so I didn’t bother him or try and talk too much so I feel good about that. I’ve been struggling trying to stay sober bc I mean fuck dude goin through this thing right now where I’m kinda a drug addict. Started doing triple cs a while back and haven’t been able to go a day without have a real big craving for it. I overdosed on them actually and still want them which angers the fuck out of me. I’ve basically turned to other stuff like weed, xans, and coke though. Honestly none of them compare to that high though. I love feeling nothing and being disconnected from reality so that high will always be my favorite. I feel so bad though bc I should jsut be trying to be completely sober. I know what I’m doing is absolutely wrong bc I don’t even like Xanax or weed. Lmao that’s fucked right. 
Also back to the school thing bc that does come back to play. My first day back to school was today. Well I did a lotta coke yesterday and stayed up until 5 am. So I definitely was late. Only a couple minutes but once I parked and got out of my car I became fucking overcome with fear. I was so scared that people were going to see me and talk about me and just KNOW that I really am a failure. I really am the worst person these people know. So I went back to my car and sat there for an hour until my school counselor came to my car to get me. 
LET ME FUCKING TEL YOU I LOVE THIS LADY WITH ALL MY HEART. SHE IS LOFERALLY ONE OF MY FAVEOITE GODDAMN PEOPLE AND ILL NEVER FORGET HER
But anyway. We went inside and I was jsut crying and explaining to her how scared I was and blahhhhhhhhhh. She then mentioned that maybe I should go to an alternative school 45 minutes away. It’s called rebound and basically I mean I was thrown off bc I felt like I had fucked uo another thing. I had fucked up going back to school again bc im a pussy and I can’t handle it. How fucking sad. I’m doing the rebound thing though. I can finish around December and get my diploma. I just mostly feel so childish. I’m almost 19 and I don’t even have my diploma. I’m so dramatic I couldn’t even go back to high school without making a big deal out of it and freaking out. Now on the first day I’m already transferring to a different school. 
Honestly I hate myself. I feel like I’m going to fuck this up. I fuck up everything. It doesn’t matter how little or big it is I will fuck it up. I want to die. I don’t want to be such a burden on my family and friends. They are sick of me and I know it. They’re sick of my bullshit my constant failures. Me too lmao. I’m sick of hurting them and lashing out. I’m sick of being an awful person. I’m sick of just treating people unfairly. I’m sick of treating myself unfairly. I’ve tried to contact my counselor for weeks now and she won’t get back to me. I stopped taking my medicine, it wasn’t working well anyway. I jsut want to give up and try and kill myself again. It’s not even that I want to die I mean I want to die but I want to live I don’t even know. I feel like I’m not living at all. But I don’t know how else to stop this honestly. I don’t think it’s possible for be to get better. I’m jsut not motivated and I don’t have support. I’m too scared to go on. I’m jsut gonna end up living on the streets of mooching off people for homes. I’m gonna end up being really hooked on drugs and jsut having a Terrible life i fucking know it. I’ll never be truly happy so really what is the fucking point. I fuck up eveurbing.