I have tried many many different things in my therapy. I have done BPD, exposure, CBT, Mindful Compassion Therapy, even tried FLR (seing yourself as different parts and talking to each one). Anyways, I haven't reached a satisfying conclusion so far. 

Is it just me or it feels impossible to change? no matter how bad I bang my head against the walls (cognitively), I always come back to my original form. I think I did change over the years: for the worse. More pressure, more hate, more obsessive behaviors, more anger, more social phobia.

In CBT therapy for example they recommend adopting new healthier beliefs. For example:

It is wrong to steal = stealing is bad but it's not wrong. Or better example: it is wrong to annoy people = it's preferable not to annoy people but it's gonna happen some day.

And I try to use this model, I've tried at least a thousand times, but my mind simply does not compute. I could repeat a belief a tausend time, it doesn't mean that my mind is gonna register it.

And the second issue with CBT is that I get bend up on "fixing myself" all the time. "ouh bad thought got to correct that" "an other bad thought! got to correct it". And I become obsessive and get stuck on thought-loops. And the whole point of therapy is to stop punishing, fixing yourself which I think is ironic. How can you accept yourself if you're constantly trying to change who you are?

Anyways... my therapist keeps telling me to "accept" things. She says it's ok to be selfish, it's ok to be angry, it's ok to be mean, and so on. The way she sees it, all those things that I think are terribly wrong, are in her mind terribly human. Human and normal. She doesn't hold anyone to a standard, she doesn't care if I think bad things about her, she just doesn't care. I'm pretty sure Buddhists would call her enlightened, I don't understand her mindset at all. 

Anyways the point is that no matter what I do, I just make it worse. When I say "try to calm down now" -&gt; I put so much pressure on myself to calm down that I end up doing the opposite. When I try to fix a bad thought, I end up rejecting my bad thoughts which makes it worse. When I'm getting a panic attack, I go "don't panic! you must absolutely not panic!" and I end up feeling like I am in an exam room passing a test, putting too much pressure on myself.

I feel absolutely, utterly beaten down. Nothing that I do works, my system rejects any kind of change, panics when I try to calm down, gets angry when I fail therapeutically, and goes panic mode anytime I try to control anything in my head.

The way I live now is by "not doing therapy". If I do therapy, I panic, I beat down, puts my whole nervous system on alert. But if I don't therapy myself, I kinda cool down and function on automatic and don't think so much. 

Anyone relating to what I am saying?