I want to say thank you to this community which has helped me accept so much about my own experience because I know I'm not alone.

I'm a 34 y.o. autistic female with four diagnosed schizophrenic relatives (sibling, uncle, cousin, parent). I've always been cognizant I could develop symptoms at a certain age due to family history thus watched out for warning signs over the years, especially after stressors, because I know it's important to catch early for the best outcome. Well. 

Last year I went on an antipsychotic for something unrelated, and over the last six months have watched in mixed horror and fascination as my personality and personal reality reverted back to who I used to be about eight years ago, before whatever happened to me, happened to me. I slowly began to see none of the thoughts, beliefs, paranoias, delusions, and hallucinations I'd been experiencing and interacting with were ever actually real. I've been struggling with this new understanding for months. Somehow *I had* all the warning signs, for *years*, and completely missed them even while intending to look out for them!

It happened so gradually I did not even realize I was losing touch with reality. The delusions *became* my reality; the hallucinations grew so common they became the norm, or when they were randomly worse I thought them just a sign of me being under stress which I attributed to autism. Everything *external* seemed to confirm the beliefs *internal* that I had, and when apparent "synchronicities" started to happen, I can see now in hindsight that was my "point of no return." *Of course* there are spirits communicating with me through numbers I randomly saw on a cereal box, you just haven't been initiated so you don't understand; what do you mean that's not possible? Do you even see 1111 bro? Now that my brain chemistry has improved, I can see how far out there I'd really been.

By the time I passed what were probably the prodrome years and really hit the psychotic break, I had broken up with my partner, dropped all of my friends, left my family, closed down my website and all social media, changed my phone number and moved where no one could find me. I became something of an unkempt hermit, only leaving my house to speak with new age "churches" and give speeches about recognizing signs from the universe... Facepalm.

I've since learned that **meditation pushes me into psychosis territory** very quickly--hell, I've since learned that with my predisposition I should've *never been* meditating to begin with!--and after my first meditation retreat, I really spiraled. I was already disabled but became much worse afterwards. Some called it a "spiritual emergency" but that's like saying thunder is caused by Thor. Truly everything about me changed during these years including the music I listened to, how I dressed, I even legally changed my name and converted to a new religion, just... I'm so ashamed of how I acted. It wasn't impulsive or rash, just a gradual "yep this makes sense" that again I just didn't realize was happening because it all made so much sense, in that state of mind.

I pushed everyone away. I really thought it was everyone else who couldn't see the truth. I really can't believe just *how much sense* it all made. I lost the person I could have married, I lost my best friend of 20 years, I alienated my only remaining sister, all because I believed they didn't actually care about me. In my head these relationships were just some temporary spiritual destiny where we had agreed in another realm to come here and cross paths and learn some lessons but weren't actually meant to stay in each other's lives... Sigh.

These past two weeks, I reduced my antipsychotic because I was feeling so stable, and of course that was very stupid. So the last two days have been rough. I'm starting to find faces in everything (my warning sign that I'm getting 'out there'), seeing the shapes of eyes where there aren't any, I saw a dog appear and disappear as it ran by, I've been noticing license plate numbers thinking it could be Communication From Beyond, and I'm starting to think people on the internet can read my mind. I see The Peripherals and constantly feel things crawling on me that I don't think are actually there; I get so many tactile hallucinations; last night I had a bug bite I was scratching furiously that I swear had a welt, but rechecked 60 seconds later and it was no longer there; I still don't know if it was real or not, I swear the welt was real until it wasn't. I'm definitely going back to my regular dosage.

I know I need to talk to a doctor about this to get on an actual regimen, instead of "accidentally ended up on meds I severely needed." I'm on a waiting list for help right now. I guess if I've made it this long I can make it a few more months, but part of me wonders if I will talk myself out of going before it gets here. This is the first time I've ever spoken about this so excuse the infodump. I'm almost done. I'm new to reddit too, trying to get back on something social for the first time since becoming "me" again.

One year, so convinced that I had gotten clear and specific instructions via some random numbers I saw that I believed were sent by "The Other Side," I chose to stay in the path of a major hurricane, in the face of overwhelming evidence of how bad it was going to get. I did not tell anyone the reason I was staying was because "the angels told me to"; I had enough awareness that other people would think this was bonkers, but I did *not* have enough *insight* to realize that they would think this *because it actually* ***was*** *bonkers.* It was a horrible experience and I honestly could have died. Many people did, trapped in overheating apartments for weeks with no water. I nearly lost my car in the flooding. Even still, for the mere fact that I didn't die, I thought this proved my delusions were right. Nothing shook me out of these beliefs, except medication. Please remind me of this when I start to think "well things haven't gotten *too* bad yet." I put my life in danger because I thought numbers were communicating secret instructions to me from another realm. IIRC, I saw them on the way to take out the trash. (FACEPALM)

I know I need help. Thank you all for reading, but mostly thank you for sharing your stories over these last months. You've been helping people like me who have needed to see things out in the open so that we could also put our stories out in the open. Thank you.

**TL;DR: After taking antipsychotics for something unrelated, I have gradually come out of a years-long psychosis I didn't even realize I was in, one that caused me to uproot my entire life. I am recovering and on a waiting list for psychiatric help. I'm here because SZ is probable, since four people in my family are already diagnosed and my presentation has been classic and on par with theirs. This sub has helped me accept what has happened. Thank you.**