Hi all, 

I came across this sub yesterday and have been really grateful to read through a lot of your posts, archive helpful sites, and listen to advice. I have struggled with what was always called major depressive episodes and anxiety for my whole life, though I started treatment around the age of 16/17. I felt comfortable claiming those “titles” but I always had the thought “yes, that, but also more...”. About six months ago, I started seeing a new psych who I felt really, really took the time to listen to me, and he brought up BPD. He was really gentle about it, and I remember feeling like for the first time ever, I was reading exactly how I felt in a diagnostic criteria. Except for one major thing, I literally almost never ever externalize. I choke down tears to the point of serious and exhausting dissociation/masking when around others if I have to (even those closest to me), or avoid all people when I’m at my peaks. I hate crying in front of people. I never say impulsive mean things to anyone. I don’t break things, scream, etc. I draw as little attention to myself as possible when I’m feeling the worst. However I do very rarely have big sobbing meltdowns in front of people when I can’t be alone and I also can’t get the stressor to go away (i.e. someone insisting we discuss why I’m being “cold” which is how I come off when I’m choking it all down, or someone keeps bringing up the topic I am being overwhelmed by).

I’m 25 now, but when I was in high school, I very much did express literally all of the BPD externalizing examples. All of them. 

I know this is long-winded. I often feel really confused by my own feelings and emotional responses. I question if being upset is reasonable and try my best to wait for the wave to pass before taking any actions. Being me is normal to me, but I hate hate hate seeing others be frustrated or confused by my intense emotions, so I hide hide hide. And when I’m not feeling intense, I feel stupid telling people that I think I have quiet BPD (friends family partners and care providers). And when I am feeling intense, I feel intensely embarrassed admitting that, yes I am this upset over that tiny thing, yes I agree this is not a “sensible” response, and yes you did just watch me flip from giddy happiness to complete sob fest because of it. That embarrassment only makes the meltdown worse because it’s usually compiled with the witness being frustrated, feeling guilty or confused, etc. (I imagine that’s why I hide when I can).

I often feel like a logical me and an emotional me exist at the same time, and logical me usually wins my behavior (mask mask mask, so I very really show external cues to my distress/act out) but emotional me wins everything else (it stays at peak intensities for entire days sometimes and literally all of my energy goes into masking). I’m particularly triggered by perceived interpersonal issues (I think someone thinks I’m annoying or I think someone hates me or I think I’m invited by obligation, or I had a tough exchange with my boyfriend, or a friend didn’t reply to my text). All of these and similar things can get me in a very vulnerable and teary mood with intense anxiety/worry/rumination for days. Another note I’d like to add is that I’m incredibly detail oriented,  work in data, I love designing home projects for myself and am very “all in” when I do so. I’m also incredibly empathic. I sometimes will cry or be very affected over something like cartoon animals in distress. I have a really hard time moving on from intense negative emotion induced by my real life or things I watch or made up scenarios I worry about it my head. Noting these things to give a better picture of me...

I’ve confided in small number of those close to me that I really believe I struggle with this condition, and many of them push back strongly on the idea because they think I’m fine, and my symptoms aren’t “bad enough”, because they never see the intensity or I don’t want to volunteer all the details to “prove it.” I’ve been told by loved ones that they think I’m essentially convincing myself I have something that I don’t. The psych I’m seeing who brought up BPD in the first place won’t even diagnose me specifically because I don’t externalize. It feels invalidating, I feel confused, and also embarrassed. 


Does anyone else feel similarly to me on this? Are there other conditions I’m unaware of that express similar symptoms, and may be worth looking at to help me build my knowledge on what I can do for myself? I am in treatment, I utilize a DBT workbook, I take Wellbutrin (100mg 2x/day SR) which has helped a lot but I’m still struggling. Honestly I’m hoping for someone who can relate, and asking that they share any advice they may have on coping with this. 

I know this post was very long, thank you so much to anyone who has taken the time to read everything.