At the time I'm writing this, my former partner has decided to rethink of our relationship, saying he doesn't want to be dating anyone right now. It's really hard for me to feel somatic empathy because I'm used to feeling scared and like I'm going to get hurt in romantic relationships ... this has led us to fight a lot, and unrealizingly at the time, I was really hurting his emotions. I called him insecure at one point because my emotions gear from annoyed to: "Why an I even giving this person any of my attention?", as he was questioning our relationship. At heart, I think I was feeling scared of him leaving me because I actively feel suicidal. Normally, I'm numb to painful feelings but it always comes down to a romantic partner, which makes me feel intense emotional pain. I apologized for being hurtful towards him, and I said my actions were abusive. I didn't understand at the time that I was being hurtful, since I personally felt like I was being attacked. And I didn't want to be called abusive in any way, since I have an idea of an abuser being a drunk father figure. He made out with a close friend last week. They were both on drugs. He told me he felt like he was more heavily drugged or something, as if he was being controlled to make out with her, too. Then he revealed that he is developing feelings for her, and that they're hanging out every week. It's awkward for him to share the rest of this, because I wrote an honest confession without knowing this second part about how I feel actively suicidal if our romantic relationship was over. When he said he doesn't want to hurt either of us, but he admits his fault for leading that girl on, I just kept encouraging to not hurt that girl, but it's okay to hurt me. The girl also has BPD and ADHD, like me. But I feel more empathy and consideration to anyone else with BPD, except myself. At this point, I feel so used to being hurt that the numbness which is my internalized fear, has a higher chance of protecting me than someone who can freely feel their emotions as a BPD. And another point is, my trouble with somatic empathy as I mostly feel numb makes my feelings confusing to my former partner. Even though I know I love him a lot, and I wish the best for him and that girl. I'm embracing myself, expecting the worst, and dealing with my feelings of fear alone. I just don't want another BPD to suffer like this.

Please be respectful and leave me your input on my situation. 

I love you guys.