Pardon me for my english it is not my first language.

I'm 19yrs old male, pursuing a med degree in one of the best colleges in my country, just started my 2nd semester and I'm one of the top in my class.
Going back to childhood, I was born with a congenital disorder that affects my bladder and the genital area aestheitcally and in terms on length.
Since childhood I was insecure about myself, my body and ofcourse my gentials. I always percieved my self as different and unworthy and had a bit confidence albeit I didn't show this to anyone and no one would belive that.
I have had a lot of friends throughout my life and I enjoyed being with them but I didn't share them secret  and always felt lonely and have a dark vaccum deep inside.

My biggest fears is the fact that I've never been loved with a girl, I've been in a relationship. This devastates me, I strive for intimacy, I don't wany to fulfill my sexual needs but I want someone to love me, that I can share with her the good and the bad. 

At this point in my life, I feel so hopeless, unmotivated and depressed that I lost faith that one day everything will be okay, In few months I will become 20 and I don't to stay like that and to live my best life like that.

I don't want to to commit suicide but I want to stop living.