I'm a trans man. There is no denying that to myself anymore. I'll never be comfortable being a women. I tried to convince myself I hated it for simply gender roles and objectification. It didn't work, they were all lies and fake.

I'll never be happy with my body. Even if I transition fully, I'll never feel correct. I'll always be wrong and broken. I'll always have scars that I have look at in the mirror. Features of what estrogen damaged that I can't fix. My hips are almost/all bone, they'll never be as slim as they should have been. I look at transition photos and the hips still look too wide. My hands, feet, and arms will never be big. I'll never be even close to the average man's height. I could care less about dating issues, that's the least of my concerns. 

Sure, some might say, many men have those features and they're cis. Yes, they might, but at least theirs was due to simply *bad luck*, they simply got the shit end of the stick. I'm biologically female, I got those features because of *that*, not shit luck and chances are, most don't have the *majority* of those features at the same fucking time. That is what fucking hurts.

My skeleton will always be female. I'll have to live with the knowledge that *thing* is in me, no matter how much I want to just tear it out. I'll have jab myself with a needle, apply gel, or something else for the rest of my life, not have it happen naturally. I'll never have XY chromosomes. My parents will never love me and would disown me. I don't blame them, they already have a real son, I'm second class.

I don't understand. Every. single. one. of my guy relatives and friends get to be male. They get to go through the right puberty naturally. Except me. Why was I born wrong? I think of the life I would've had if I was right. Everything would have been right and I should have been him. I'll start to form tears even if I simply imagine to hear "its a boy!', seeing him going through puberty like every other guy, or imagine that little boy with his family. I'll never be able to accept I can't be him. I just wish this was a terrible nightmare or I'm in a coma relieving my life as a girl, and when I wake up I'll see my family relieved and asking if their son/grandson/nephew is okay.

I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. I don't think I could bear the idea of living and never being him. Trans people say you'll eventually accept you'll never be cis and will be happy with your transition, but that isn't an option for me. I could have been happy, but it was taken away from me the second I got a second X chromosome and my fate was sealed. I'm already a dead man walking. I just want the dysphoria and pain to end. I want to drink, maybe myself to death, but I can't because I'm underage. I can't even do that. I wouldn't care if he was a completely different person because at least he wouldn't have to go through this. I feel tired, hopeless, and doomed.