Little Background:
My father is a narcissist and his whole side of the family is extremely toxic. I was raised in an environment where everyone talked shit about everyone. Everyone played both sides of the fence. I’m talking grandparents, aunts, and cousins. The negatively was everywhere. I think this is where my negative thinking was learned. The glass was always half empty, never half full.

My dad was the black sheep of his family and naturally since I was his daughter I was never thought of very highly. My grandparents never cultivated a relationship with me. They never asked me how I was doing or wanted to get to know me. But I always got good Christmas presents and birthday money (this is how ‘love’ is shown in this family). Two of my cousins, the oldest daughters of two of my aunts, who were my grandmas favorites, were spoiled rotten! Had their own bedrooms in my grandparents house, had cars and insurance paid for by them, everything was always about them. The favoritism was out of control and blatant. Makes you wonder what’s wrong with me. My issues with rejection probably stem from this. 

Well I grew up and left my hometown and tried to leave it all behind. Until my grandpa got sick. He was never really that nice to me. I made an effort to visit a few times but never really felt like he cared or appreciated it so I stopped coming around so much. When he passed I was there and took a week off of work to be present for everything. But it got back to me that others in the family didn’t think I put in enough effort to see my grandfather. I was not afforded the opportunity to even get a photo or keepsake of any type from his belongings. I wasn’t all that surprised and went back to living my life. But I do carry around a ton of resentment over this. Especially of my aunt and cousin who were co-executors. I know all their kids were able to help themselves to whatever they wanted. My brother and I were never even contacted about anything. 

Fast forward to now. My grandma has stage 4 cancer. I need to go see her. I am dreading seeing my ‘family’ and I think I am having some PTSD about it. I always kept my mouth shut about everything but I can’t this time around. I already told my cousin that I’m done pretending our family isn’t one big fucking joke and that I will make an effort to see her in the coming months but that I don’t owe anyone anything. I also told her grandchildren shouldn’t be responsible for cultivating relationships with their grandparents and my experience being in this family was very different than hers. I also called her mother out for her shitty behavior (she called me a liar, whole other story). I would never bring any of this up in front of my grandma because she is sick. And part of me hates that I can’t just keep quiet anymore but I want these people to know just what pieces of shit I think they are. I haven’t seen or spoken to them since my pop passed almost 10 years ago. I doubt when my grandma passes I’ll ever see them again. I feel like an asshole I can’t just let this go, but I can’t be fake anymore and want everyone to know exactly what I think of them. 

My family is so messed up they wouldn’t even let my grandma go to my grandpas calling hours or funeral (yet again a whole other long story). I wouldn’t be surprised since I opened my mouth if they try and do the same to me. But I’d like to see them stop me.

I’m diagnosed bipolar 2 and think I am BPD as well (all probably stemming from my unstable childhood). I’ve buried these feelings for so long I feel like I’m going to explode. My grandma isn’t innocent in this either, she’s always made me feel unworthy of love, but she’s sick so I can’t say that out loud. Am I a terrible person I can’t let this go? Am I wrong for wanting to finally speak my truth to these people that have made me feel like crap my whole life? Or should I just quit while I’m ahead and go through the motions and pretend like nothing is wrong? I literally am all over the board here and wicked anxious and uncomfortable about this all. My next therapy session can’t come fast enough. 

Thanks for listening (reading).