Officially diagnosed on 10/12 this year. 

I'm stuck in a pretty bad spiral that just won't let up and the triggers for it are just, logically, ridiculous inane. Except the texts from my brother bitching me out that I don't spend $1400 on flights to go back to an abusive family (who, btw, disowned me when I came out as trans* for the holidays. I think being upset was justified there. 

Last night I just lost it. Boyfriend said he was going to go out, I found out that he was grabbed dinner and that was it. I tried my coping skills first, nothing. Grabbed my emergency Xanax that I keep for spirals, nothing. Did my "wait 20 minutes before doing ANYTHING rule". Nothing. Nothing was helping. 

By the time he got home, my shit was packed. This was an upgrade from my last big spiral in which I threw my belongings out (then had to go dumpster diving). I informed him that I would be spending the night at the 24/7 laundry room and then tomorrow I would clean out my half of the storage unit we share and then go stay in a hostel for a week while I figure out my options. He tried, he REALLY tried, to break it. He knows when I'm me and when I'm not. He reminded me that this happens to me (I understand logically that this was a hey this happens its okay but emotionally? Noooo. Wrong thing to say).

And that was it. I left. I apologized for any trouble I caused and for being a burden the last six years we've been together and I left.   

Of course, I get to the laundromat and realize that I left my rucksack at the apartment. Meaning no laptop. Or charge cables. So I had to go back to the apartment. He said I could sleep in the bed if I wanted to. I was stubborn and went out to the couch instead. Then ended up going back to the bed. Because I'm pathetic. 

I wasn't suicidal or my ass would've been in the ER. The self-injury thoughts were very high but, again, I have enough control over that that I didn't go to the ER. 

This morning I'm just numb. Back is in too bad of a condition today to clean out my half of the storage unit so that's getting pushed to tomorrow. There's no local hostels so the closest is about an hour away. I'm going to see if I can work from "home" this next week (which technically I'm supposed to be on bedrest for a spine injury this week so it should work out) or I'll be out of a job. Right before the holidays, haha. All my friends are currently at a convention across the country this weekend or I'd see if anyone has a couch to crash on. 

I am convinced this thing is going to kill me. I keep reading the statistics and with all of my attempts? Frankly, it's just a matter of time. I didn't think I would see 20. I'm astonished that I'm going to see 28 in a couple of months. I have nothing to show for it. 

Yes, I'm in therapy. Yes, I take medication. 

He deserves so much better. He deserves happiness. This just isn't fair to either of us anymore. 

I just don't want to be here anymore. No active plans. 

I just don't want to exist anymore. 