TW: talking about S and just in general

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this to be honest. I guess I want a place to put my thoughts, but I don't believe there's a way to make me feel better.

I tried to take my life recently, I dunno about 2 or so months back. Of course I has felt really shit then, not happy, lonely, isolated, you get the gist. But I guess up until that point I still had my life together. Now I've cracked, I feel worse than I ever did, feel even more lonely and isolated. I'm not at work anymore, I spend most of my days in bed. I just can't stand it, being alive. I don't fear death in theory but I still don't have the courage to take my life. So I'm just withering away. Becoming more pathetic. Feeling more alienated. I can't stand it. I hate being able to think. I hate being awake. I hate being alive.