Honestly I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.

My friends and I graduated from high school last year, and the group is planning to go out and catch up next week. Everyone seems so excited to meet each other, except me.

I don’t want anyone to check in on how I’m doing because I’m embarrassed about how pathetic my life has become. Everyone else seems to have thrived, while I squandered all my potential and did nothing the whole year, just rotting in my bed letting time flow past me. The scenario of having to answer what I’ve been doing, or feeling small listening to all the things they have achieved in the past year makes me so miserable I don’t want to go.

I also don’t feel comfortable opening up to them how depressed I’ve been feeling, because 1. I don’t want to be a downer in an occasion that is supposed to be joyous, and 2. no matter how hard I try, I’m paranoid about what if people see me talking about my depression as some sort of excuse for my pathetic life. 

But at the same time, it is with that group of friends that I had so many treasurable memories throughout high school, and I do love them. If I make up some reason to not go, this would be the second time I do that. I think they will sense that I’m distancing myself, which leads to even more uncomfortable questions that I don’t want to answer, and eventually, sooner or later they will abandon me. And I don’t see myself being capable of making any new friend in the near future because I’m so goddamn tired of people, but the same time so goddamn lonely.

Thank you for reading this vent kind stranger