my brain and  
heart divorced

a decade ago

over who was  
to blame about  
how big of a mess  
I have become

eventually,  
they couldn't be   
in the same room  
with each other 

now my head and heart   
share custody of me

I stay with my brain   
during the week

and my heart   
gets me on weekends

they never speak to one another

   \- instead, they give me  
the same note to pass  
to each other every week 

and their notes they  
send to one another always   
says the same thing:

"This is all your fault"

on Sundays  
my heart complains  
about how my   
head has let me down  
in the past

and on Wednesday  
my head lists all  
of the times my   
heart has screwed  
things up for me   
in the future

they blame each  
other for the   
state of my life

there's been a lot  
of yelling - and crying

so,

   lately, I've been  
spending a lot of   
time with my gut

who serves as my  
unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the  
window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine  
and collapse on my   
gut's plush leather chair  
that's always open for me

\~ and I just sit sit sit sit  
until the sun comes up

last evening,   
my gut asked me  
if I was having a hard  
time being caught   
between my heart  
and my head

I nodded

I said I didn't know  
if I could live with   
either of them anymore

"my heart is always sad about  
something that happened yesterday  
while my head is always worried  
about something that may happen tomorrow,"   
I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

"I just can't live with  
my mistakes of the past  
or my anxiety about the future,"  
I sighed

my gut smiled and said:

"in that case,   
you should   
go stay with your   
lungs for a while,"

I was confused  
  \- the look on my face gave it away

"if you are exhausted about  
your heart's obsession with  
the fixed past and your mind's focus  
on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you

there is no yesterday in your lungs  
there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now  
there is only inhale  
there is only exhale  
there is only this moment

there is only breath

and in that breath  
you can rest while your  
heart and head work   
their relationship out."

this morning,  
while my brain  
was busy reading  
tea leaves

and while my  
heart was staring  
at old photographs 

I packed a little  
bag and walked  
to the door of   
my lungs

before I could even knock  
she opened the door  
with a smile and as  
a gust of air embraced me  
she said

"what took you so long?"

  \~ john roedel