I feel like I only go because I feel like I should, or I said I'd go. I don't think I've been to a social event in the last couple of months where I haven't felt terrible before and after, and often during. Even small things like groups or clubs at my workplace. I felt like I was on the verge of panicking for hours before I went to my coworkers housewarming party, and even though being there was fine, it felt like it was something I could have skipped. I always wonder why I'm going to these things if they don't make me feel good. On the other hand, I'm so depressed, and I know that self isolating and only sticking to safe situations can't be good for me. I'm getting complacent. Ive been invited to a party tonight, and I desperately don't want to go. I can already feel how it'll play out. The anxiety, the saying hi to the one or maybe two people I know, the clutching of my one drink because I want to get drunk or tipsy but I also want to be able to leave whenever I want, the fiddling with the label because I can't stay still, the wanting to find a place to curl up in and leave, and then that sort of emptiness and disappointment and keyed up feeling when I inevitably leave too early with some dumb made up excuse that no one actually cares about. And I feel guilty! Because people are being kind! They are inviting me to things! I should have a good time! And not going makes me feel bad too, because I feel like I'm missing out, which is so dumb. And not being invited doesn't feel good either. I just feels like I'm making into so much more than it should be. I overthink. I'm sad. It's 10:30am and I'm already thinking about 7pm tonight and I feel a little sick.