Christmas was always a hard time for me. My parents are immigrants so I have no intermediate family in this country. My parents divorced when I was 6 and my father was never around. My father passed away 4 years ago and my mother and I have a better relationship the less time we spend together if that makes sense. I've been with my very loving and supportive boyfriend for 6 years and I have spent most holidays with his family since then. This year we took younger brother in and he lives with us and joined us for Christmas. Today was a great day and I was so happy to be with people who love and care for me. In the back of my mind the bad thoughts still linger... I try and put on my best happy face but sometimes it feels like a mask. I should be happy that this family loves and cares for me but I feel so undeserving. 

So as we leave his parents house I'm juggling a sweet potato casserole and a few gifts. My boyfriend unlocks the door but my door is still locked and as I'm trying to open the door I dropped the sweet potatoes. In a fit of rage I slammed the door on his leg. I immediately knew I did something wrong but in the moment I saw red. Then I'm just standing there crying in his driveway. 

 I've read about BPD and I fit the "profile" but I don't know how to help myself. When will I be happy and enjoy happiness? My life is really good right now and I am a generally happy person. But these episodes of anger are pushing my boyfriend away and I'm so scared of loosing him it makes me even more angry.... It's a never ending cycle.