We’ve only fought maybe 4 times in the year we’ve been dating but theyre almost all I think about sometimes. I hate that he called me a name, once. I hate that he said I go on “over-explaining tangents” which just screams my insecurities right out at my face... 
i hate that feeling i get in my chest or stomach or right in between when it feels like you missed a step on a flight of stairs. That physical feeling of emotion.. I try to avoid so hard and I feel like such a failure whenever I do feel it. 
Like tonight, just going over our fight from Christmas bc of course we fought then of all days. It was a misunderstanding that got hard so calling it a fight feels unfair but it was so Ill own it. 
On that day though he told me I always over explain things and go on tangents and I hate it. I wish I didn’t know. I hate thinking Im finally doing it right; human-ing, and he tells me Ive been doing something he finds irritating, and has for a while. 

It deflates the every living hell out of me. I love him more than I love a lot of things in life, but when I get that missed-a-step feeling in my chest? I dont care who I am with, Id rather be alone that feel like this. 

I trust him but after my last relationship five years ago with an actual sociopath... sometimes I question if I have any business loving anyone, or if I am even worth it. 

How can anyone actually love someone this neurotically damaged?