So I've been better with my angry thoughts against myself lately, but my depression hasn't changed. Just kind of evolved. My wife and I love each other deeply, and that will never change. We have started kind of a new journey together for the sake of fun. But it came with rules that we agreed on. Since then, nearly all rules have been broken, but she is very happy with it due to learning more about herself. I love seeing her enjoy herself and being happy, but it hurts me that it came from breaking rules. When I talked about it with her she seemed to care about how it made me feel, but nothing had changed thereafter. So I have forced myself to compromise to allow her to have guilt free fun. Now I'm stuck with a forced smile and false happiness. I blame myself thinking I'm the problem for sticking to rules like a lame, and not just going with the flow to enjoy things with her, but I probably am just a bore. Which I get it,  with how much my job consumes me and all. I don't live the exciting life I used too, so my stories have kind of dried up. I rarely have time for fun. I feel like I'm just living everyday just because I have to at this point. I'm just existing, nothing more. I'm tired but I can't sleep. When I sleep I just have bad dreams. I'm at war with my thoughts in my head, telling me how things appear vs how they are. I find myself driving aimlessly for hours through the night trying to clear my head while she sleeps. It doesn't work. Tomorrow is a new day I guess, even though it never feels any better.