To preface this, I probably only have mild depression. Never got myself diagnosed. Also have pretty bad anxiety, undiagnosed ADD (bc anxiety unchecked), etc.

I've been barely putting in any effort for the longest time, felt burnt out for ages. Luckily most professors here are easy so fine by me. Graduated with good grades and now in gradschool and I feel I'm going to already screw up. 

For one thing, I'm certain it's a waste of time. Back in undergrad I screwed up my initial major plan slightly and went to a lesser major. Still perfectly viable but also not one you need a bachelor's in to get started with. Parents are clearly a bit disappointed, saying how you won't make a ton of money unless you go into specific fields. I really don't think I care a ton how much I make as long as it's half decent, don't desire to be rich bc I know it's infeasible. Anyways, so here I am, they've now essentially forced me into getting a Master's in something I barely have interest in. But the thing is it's in no way an entry level area, and I'd still have to work my way up to that field for forever regardless. And even then it's just nice to have the Master's. They don't believe me, so only thing I'm gaining from this for the foreseeable future is a lot of debt.

I'm in no way ready for the real world and holding a job though so I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't wasting time here.

Got a professor from heck this semester, online reviews all say he's the hardest they've ever had and I feel the same so far. Only good thing is he's fairly nice but still the worst I've had by far already. First exam the whole class failed, retake being provided, he said he won't do retests ever again. And I can't really study much. I'm convinced I'm screwed. And when I do probably inevitably fail it soon, that's halfway to getting kicked out of the program. I'm just starting, knowing I'd always be close to failing for the rest of a couple years or so, I can't handle that stress. What if the same thing happened towards the end again, great way to have gained a crapton of debt for nothing. Well, what I'm already doing though.

I'm not prescribed any medication currently. I have pretty bad medication anxiety, wont touch SSRI's and such with a 10 foot pole. I've been prescribed a couple things, Welbutrin worked the slightest amount (only notice it helping by fewer freakouts calling my parents) but I'm convinced my psychiatrist thinks I'm a moron so I haven't seen her or gotten it refilled in 6 months. 

And despite my medication anxiety, I've gone ahead and started Delta 8 (aka weak but legal pot) recently which if anything could be worse than any anxiety medication. But it's the only relief I've had and it's *fun*. Have been taking it most days for the past month, except ran out so just waiting on more to arrive... obviously it's just screwing myself over more with extra inability to focus though, and even tho it was only a month I definitely am a little psychologically addicted. There is a slight plus side of it making me never want to ever drink alcohol again because it's so much better, but I only had drank once or twice a week before though so it's still me falling further. Alcohol on Welbutrin was terrible though, accidentally ruined a few hundred in tech from puking with how bad hangovers were.

I shouldn't ramble on for forever, just whatever I do I feel I'm screwed and I'm reaching new lows. College provides therapy and I've done a few sessions but mostly just about general anxiety stuff, maybe helped slightly. I'll look into getting back into it, and already set up an appointment with my psychiatrist, but these can't solve the issues.