ive had problems with paranoia since i was a child, i probably qualify for paranoid personality disorder but never really mentioned it to my therapist. the thing is i'm always angry anytime people are around. i sort of believe they can read my mind so i yell insults in my head to people i feel are attacking me mentally. i also never talk to people or open up about myself which is why i basically have no friends (i don't even have online friends). i recently went through a bad episode where i thought i was being stalked so i deleted every social media account i had, including my facebook which concerned my family on there. i currently live alone and am nearly isolated 24/7, which doesn't set well with my BPD, and leaves me feeling abandoned which also feeds the paranoia even more. lately i've been regressing to self harm just to get people to look and talk to me. i feel so childlike and dumb for hurting myself to get my needs met, like an immature toddler who can't talk yet.

therapy isn't working. my therapist seems to distrust me for the fact i have BPD (i live in the deep south so mental stigma is still present even amongst professionals). according to her "knowledge" of bpd, we are nothing more than manipulators who seek attention selfishly. because of this, i rarely get help from her because everything i do is seen as a manipulative tactic. nearly every therapist ive seen seems to share this view of borderlines. 

i have tried a DBT group and even they spoke to me like i was a spoiled child just looking for attention. i just want a compassionate and understanding therapist who can actually help me cope with my problems, and actually believe the things i say instead of seeing me as a manipulative liar.

the only help i do tend to get is when i'm hospitalized. the doctors and therapists there usually understand me better, but i think thats just because they have to to get me discharged as soon as they can.
