We’ve known each other for years, and there was a point where they genuinely helped me grow into the person I am now. We’ve had reciprocal  romantic feelings in the past, but they’ve been in a committed relationship the whole time and so we didn’t act on it, just stayed friends. After confessing feelings, I had a habit of picking awful fights whenever I got down about our relationship, but we’ve worked through some of those issues and they are a good friend to me; that being said, the history all still haunts me. I don’t pick fights anymore but still have the internal battle. Whenever I get down and even consider the idea of getting some distance, it feels like I’m considering cutting off one of my own limbs, and I just spiral. 

I’ve talked to various therapists about this for years now. I’ve even talked over these issues with my FP and felt better in the aftermath, so I can never tell whether these down moments are gut instincts or just my own idealization/devaluation cycle. My FP has abandonment issues too; I’m afraid I’ll regret distancing myself in the long run and cause us both so much unnecessary pain for nothing. It just fucking sucks.