I am a Male within the armed forces and never really got the chance to speak my mind about a lot of things. I was always told by everyone thats Males shouldn't cry or even show a slight a bit of sadness or else it would redeem them weak. A little bit if background.

Before the Military I was a person that would always have friends along with people I thought they would appreciate who I am. Later on bad luck started to come around or at least I thought it was bad luck to this day I do not have any ideas why things happen around me or people I love. It seemed like every week or month or so I would go to a funeral that was among all my friends I made. Accidents, suicides, cancer or even by natural causes. So far I been to 24 funerals at this point and not able to cry or shed a tear. It seems like whenever I try to show an emotion to what has happened it never does, then people look at me like a monster and think I am a psycho or a robot. In reality I am lost in the void of either to try to keep or make more friends. 

Eventually I got to enlisting into the military to serve or find a purpose in life and eventually found myself in a deeper hole. I remember I had a platoon size or so group of buddies I drank and had fun with a brotherhood many would call it, A home away from home. That did not really last long, one by one they killed themselves due to various amounts of situations either it be from a divorce or just pure depression that dragged them to the ground. Despite all these things I came to the conclusion that I always will think I am a robot or even a ghost that senses nothing but just what goes on, Non human to the point where at one point I saw them paint their brains on the wall as I walked in to give them a well needed drink. My reaction was nothing and to just calmly report it to the MPs on base. (I am sorry Elijah)

Currently in the service still have about two years left. My wife at home with the dog, I do feel love for both of them. But for me? Not at all, I feel guilt in the fact of it all happening, like I am the bad luck charm, I been seeing what seems like people that I used to speak to and where alive around me at times. My old friends that could have been around but aren't. I am not much of a paranormal type person but I feel them watching me or even expecting me to join them at some point, a heavy weight on my shoulders if you will. I can't lose myself in thought or else they are everywhere so I keep it to myself and ruck on, But believe me the demons have learned how to swim after I tried drowning them with drinking, I keep going in life but what purpose what it be if I keep losing those I love? 

Whoever reads this, Thank you. To my wife as well, I love you and our dog despite my dark situation. I don't want my demons to live but they try every night.