I'm writing this here because I've written about this in my diary. I tried to talk about it but I can't get myself to do so. I have college applications deadlines coming up and I have no job experience....I know I'm not depressed but stressed to the point where I become incapable of working because the deadlines are so near.  But I used to be good at this, you know...I used to be very good at organising and getting things done until I decided to be a part of the stupid friend group of people who didn't care and I can't help but think that their attitude and carelessness has rubbed on me. But maybe it's my fault I've become lazy and am finding other things to take the blame. I also am so close to giving up..like thoughts of suicide are so rampant..I've lost interest in everything I've ever done. I like studying but it takes me sooooo much time to get into that momentum so instead I just mindlessly watch downtown abbey for the 7th time. 

I keep waiting for the bell to drop, someone to yell or some boost of inspiration or motivation. "Maybe a movie will help?" Or so I tell myself but it does me no good. I really want to study you know, but there are so many things to do and so many things I want to do that this weird split ambition has left me in this state of limbo of starting various things at the same time and not getting anything done,

I hate everyone but I hate myself more. I can't do this...maybe I can do this...but I end up parallelly thinking about all the people who are better than me and I try to catch to that but I never could.

I know I am all over the place...but I need to get this off my chest or else I'm going to suffocate and convince myself to self-harm again.