Okay, this is going to be really hard to write and I apologise in advance for the shitty basis it is on. I hate that I think this, I hate that my intrusive thoughts grip me so hard that I’ve started to believe them. 

I, 20f, and my 20m boyfriend have been together for around 3.5months. He moved in pretty quick (mostly due to living situation for me being very lucky- I live in a studio granny flat in my parents’ place). It was a rocky start, with my frustration due to his inability to engage in things I thought were expected in a relationship. I quickly came to realise he hasn’t been exposed to a healthy home environment and he was severely crippled by depression and anxiety. He was on 100mg of sertraline and has been for around 2 years. 

Now, we have a very honest and open (and I like to think healthy) communication of our mental health to each other. When I addressed my concerns re his lack of outside engagement (stayed inside “studying” for days at a time, never going out) and a lot of other alarming habits that I felt were from his mental illness, he was very understanding but upset. I said I’m willing to work with him as long as he understands that I’m not against him, and that we can work together against his mental illness &amp; NOT him. He had insane delusional jealousy and anxiety surrounding my past relationships, so I made the compromise not to mention nor address any of my own anxieties caused by my history that was on my mind. We got over this pretty quickly. 

He started seeing a new psychiatrist 2 months ago. His psychiatrist has made the call he’d like him to be in inpatient treatment while they change and titrate the doseage for his mental health. He made this call close to 4 weeks ago, and when he told me I had an absolute melt down. While not towards him, I didn’t talk to him about my bottled up emotions as I was trying to stay “strong” while he was evidently the one very sick. It ended up in a severe relapse and I tried to kill myself that night, in an attempt to escape my severe anxiety and panic. 

Since this night, I haven’t returned to work (I am a full time optical assistant), I have been at home and he has also delayed his treatment. I have had, and am in, one of the most if not the worst depressive episode I’ve ever been in. Now he has finally reached out to his psychiatrist to tell him he’s ready to go into treatment, and I feel horrendous. I am less panicked, but intensely exhausted and have terrible nightmares about losing him, intrusive thoughts surrounding harming myself, and I often stare for hours trying to will myself to move. 

The worst part- there’s this intense, looming feeling or perhaps outsider intrusive thought that I’m not “sick” enough to be considered to go into inpatient. I HATE this feeling. I despise it, as I thoroughly DO think his psychiatrist has made the right decision (and even if not, I get that he shares more with his psych than me) and I think it will really help him. 

How do I stop feeling this way? It’s made me ‘spiral’ in my anxiety and I often have panic attacks at these feelings and thoughts. I hate this jealousy. I don’t want to be jealous of my sick partner! I want to support him, be able to work, offer understanding and care but I am debilitated by these emotions so much that I can’t get out of bed on most days. 

(Also- he hasn’t been called in yet, but could happen any day as he’s on the waiting list.) 

Thank you for reading and if anyone can offer advice I’d truly appreciate it 🙏