this has been present through a lot of my life, but it got really noticeable this summer and it’s affected all my relationships really badly. i feel blank when i try to talk to/interact with other people. i seriously feel so closed off that even simple platonic relationships are out of the question. it’s like i dislike myself so much i could never let them form a genuine relationship with me. 

i’m completely unable to relate when i see people talking about relationships stressing them out, feeling joy from being around people they love, feeling sad because someone doesn’t want them back. because i don’t ever feel those things about anyone, i just don’t care. It’s like I’ve taken ‘leave them before they can leave you’ to the extreme and changed it to ‘They can never leave you because they’ll never have you’ lol. 

At this point I don’t know if I’ll ever have a meaningful relationship with anyone. The most I feel is a quick short term spark of happiness if I think someone likes me because it tells me I’m not worthless but I can’t feel anything beyond that.