I don't know if this is even the place for this but I feel like I need to get this out, I am so fucking over my life and I feel like it's never going to get better. I've never really been included or part of anything (friend outings, parties, dating, etc), like I've never had friends that want me around and whenever I organise stuff I feel like I'm always the one just pressuring everyone else to tag along, I'm 24 now and have moved to a new city for work which has moved me away from the few friends I did have and now I'm considering suicide I feel so alone.   


I've had relationships that have either been out of desperation because someone finally showed me attention, or I genuinely like someone and somehow they like me back but they eventually just leave me because they just get bored no matter what I do. Every single time I have to watch them move on with some new guy and be happy like I don't even matter while I rot with these unreciprocated feelings and without being wanted.  


I feel like something is missing or wrong with me that other people just have and because of that I don't get to have a happy life with friends and love and healthy relationships. I've tried dating apps which don't work out, I match with someone and they never respond or straight up unmatch me, and I try to approach people at social outings (bands and bars and such which I attend alone because no one ever wants to come with) to make friends or meet people and although some people talk to me on the night (I get straight up ignored a fair bit and I guess that's understandable since not everyone wants to meet new people?), I never make connections past that. No one approaches me, in high school the guys I used to hang around with get attention from girls or go to parties or whatever but never me, I have had girls physically cringe when they have to be near me though and I don't think I can remember a time when someone has tried to start a conversation with me.  


The friends I have seem to constantly be in relationships or with their other friends and enjoying their own lives and I don't understand why I have so much trouble making friends or getting dates, I don't know what's wrong with me, I thought it must be because I'm ugly so I've tried r/rateme and r/amiugly to ask for advice but I got no responses so I guess I must be, I feel like maybe I need cosmetic surgery to be better looking because then maybe people will want to be around me?  


I want to fucking scream since I feel like nothing I do changes my situation and nothing ever makes me feel happy anymore, I'm desperately trying to find a therapist to help but they're all booked and I can't afford to go anywhere that doesn't do a mental health plan.