Not sure what I want to achieve with this. I guess it's just a vent but I also would love to maybe get some advice.

I don't even know where to start. I was diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago and I also have ADHD. I'm (F, 27) having a difficult time. There are a lot of things happening at the same time right now. I'm studying at university while also working. It's the end of the semester so times are tough with all the deadlines and exams approaching. Also I'm grieving about a very good friend of mine who died like 12 years ago. I feel really stupid for still grieving but I can't help it.

In general, like probably for everyone, this year has been tough. I moved away from an abusive relationship while already being in a new one. I lost a lot in that process and I'm still struggling with that.

My new partner is amazing. They are trying to understand me, be there for me and give me everything I need. Still I keep lashing out at them even though I love them to pieces. And I'm so terribly scared of losing them. We have been together for about a year now and we're long distance. That is an issue but not a big one, to be honest. Maybe it's even for the better that we don't get to see each other right now so they don't have to take the brunt of my outbursts. Sometimes I so don't feel listened to. Which in most cases is probably just my warped view. I'm sure sometimes there are actual issues that need to be addressed but my reactions to them are so over the top.

A few days ago I addressed something that really bothered me and I probably even did so in an inappropriate manner. My partner then called me out on throwing a childish tantrum but I was completely calm and felt like I was actually just talking about my feelings. We didn't talk for the rest of the day. And that hurt me so much. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

Just this morning I went into a complete downwards spiral over something very minor. I'm still not back to my normal self. I was dissociating all day yesterday and I'm on my way to that again. I don't like it. I hate not remembering what I did all day. I proceeded by trying a hard skill which means eating chili peppers. I ate 4 of them and I still don't feel like I'm snapping out of it.

I just wish I could tell my partner my needs but I honestly have no idea what my needs are. They would listen to my needs and try to fulfill them as good as they can. Does anyone else know this? How can I get more aware of myself and of what I need? Of course I constantly try to talk to them and be vocal about my feelings and what is going on inside my mind. But I just sometimes don't know myself. It's like I'm locked out and on autopilot. Funnily enough often times when I have an outburst I realise that I have one but there is nothing I can do.

I'm in therapy and doing DBT. My therapist refuses to give me any kind of medication except for Concerta for treating my ADHD. But I really wish I could get something to treat my anxiety and my night terrors.