TW: sexual physical and verbal abuse. 


I am 20F and I had diagnosed with BPD at 14. Which the more I’m learning is a super young age to be diagnosed. But it do be like that. 

My mother left my father when I was about 10 years old. I don’t a lot before that. I don’t temper a lot before 18. But more so 10. When my mother left my father she herself had been through a lot of abuse with him because he beat her and degraded her. Not an excuse. But I understand. 

With my mother left my father all of the anger that she couldn’t take out on my father was taken out on me. I’m a spitting image of my father and I have a lot of tendencies that I’m just now learning about they are very similar to his. I am not abusive tho I’m very quiet and stay to myself. Because of this my mother would just say cruel things to me and tell me I was no better than him starting at the age of 10. 
So this 10-year-old little girl that I was, had no self-esteem and already thought that she was worthless to the world. Because that’s what I was told on a regular basis. “You’re no better than your father” “you’re getting kind of fat” “only a B, wow guess I should throw that college fund out” 
12 rolled around and that’s when my mother picked up drinking and became physical with me. At 12 my mother would’ve been 33 so there was no way I could have fought back. I did cry out for help nothing came of it. 

13 rolls around and I become a “woman” and this is were things really fucked me up. 13 my mother had picked up an issue with pills with her mew boyfriend. And they would sell my body to pay for their addictions. No one had believed or helped me with my mother would beat the living garbage out of me, so I had no hope that somebody would help me through this. So I let this happen because I had given up on life already. This continued until I was 16. 
I have 3 younger siblings who went through no kind of abuse. One night they all saw my mother snap and beat me so badly I was unconscious (first time) and they had called the police and my grandparents. My grandparents took us and left, my mother left and police went looking for her and gave her a warning. 
I was in the hospital with broken teeth, black eyes, my hip had popped out of place, and there was excessive bruising around my neck and a clear shoe print bruise on my ribs. 
* my mother got a warning for the police * 
I never went back to my mothers and stayed with my grandparents who weren’t good but didn’t abuse me either and for that I am forever grateful. My siblings went back to my mothers. 

Fast forward to today. I am sitting down with my grandmother and telling her I am just stuck. I need help. I am spiraling. I am depressed and I can’t get help with the area I am at. I don’t know where to look but I think I what would help is closure. Not really closure. I just want my mother to say sorry for the fucked up things she did. Because it bothers me when she shows up to family events and then acts like she’s a good mom and I’m her “precious baby” it makes me sick to hear. 

My grandmothers response to the abuse I went through was “Your Mother never told me anything like that” insinuating that I was lying or making it up and blowing out of proportion. “You were a punk, and your mother didn’t know how to handle it” 
I wasn’t a punk. I was a child who wanted her mother to love her. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to be treated the same as my siblings. I wanted to be told that I was special too. I wasn’t a punk. I didn’t deserve what happened to me. And you know what. An apology isn’t that fucking hard to give. And it’s a dbag move to just pretend it never happened And let my mother just treat me like she was good to me not acceptable. “She was a single mother.. she put a roof over your head” she doesn’t get praised for doing the bare minimum as a parent because That was her responsibility. 

I just wanted to tell my grandmother so she would stop sticking up for everything my mother does that bothers me and making excuses for her doesn’t help. And now I regret even saying anything because I just feel stupid and worthless and like maybe I did make it up and maybe I should just drop it. But no. I had everything taken from me before I even had a chance and all I want is that “I’m sorry.” I know I can’t change the past. But ignoring it like it never happened hurts so much more. 


There’s a lot more details with my abuse and things that happened and y’all can ask questions I just don’t think they’re relevant for this story. 
I just needed this off my chest before I explode.