I “laugh” and “smile” occasionally, but it never feels right. I am always disregarded and forgotten about; left out. Rarely people will acknowledge that I’m even there, but when they do it’s nice. This usually causes me to smile. But as soon as they leave it’s like they were never there. I avoid talking as much as possible even when I want to speak and stay far from crowds. I appreciate when people show me the slightest bit of care. But deep down I just want them to feel my pain. Along with everyone else who laughs and smiles. Has a good time everyday. However, I’m not numb to emotions. I still get joy out of certain ideas, I get waves of heavy sadness which I cannot control and I am always severely angry. I destroy things. I could hurt people because instead of not feeling this pain any more, I want everyone else to feel it. How is everyone so happy all the time. Is happiness just smiling and laughing often? I just hope one day I can feel this, it looks like it is great. When I was younger, I was so happy and joy was a vivid emotion. Will this ever come back? I don’t self harm and never have; but I enjoy being in physical pain. It brings me joy because it feels right. It’s the only thing that I ever felt like I deserved.