Well, I would love to try to keep this post as short as possible but I don't think it will be possible. At least I'll try to organizate it very well.

**First of all**: at the beggining of last year I posted on r/relationships my detailed problems with this person, suggesting some solution that I could take, as I was very confused. Problems varied involving mostly jealousy of other friends and a platonic love that I could not reciprocate. But he was still one of the people who helped me the most in recent years through difficult times, and that I am fully aware that he is one of the best people I have met. If you want to read some details [see here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/elmjy1/very_long_text_delicate_situation_a_gay_friend_24/)

Although the more detailed post is on the link, I will try to post a very summarized version (really summarized, after all, there are several events that happened over the course of more than 1 year)

* I started a new period in college, and I met this friend (who was in his last year of college), and over the months we started talking more, getting closer and closer. Sometimes we spoke more about our personal life and I found out that his background was that of a person without friends and with socialization problems (he already knew he was gay from an early age and considering that he has an extremely religious family, this must have left him feeling indirectly pressured for a long, long time)
* In the middle of 2019 I started having several problems internally in college. Problems with projects, willingness to drop out of college, betrayal by other friends, and he was the one who helped me to face these problems and motivated me to face and be more "hard" with people, when necessary. I will never be able to describe in text the level of help and confidence he has given me. Not even my closest friends, of friendships that I have built for more than 10 years, seemed to care much about what I was feeling with these problems. But HE helped me as if I were his brother. Giving me advice, tips and helping me in every way for several weeks.
* But unfortunately from then on, his mental health deteriorated until the end of the year, since he had dozens of problems involving all parts of his life. Family (especially his mother), college, classmates moving away from him, anxiety, job, pressure on the thesis he had to finish, internship not proceeding the way he wanted, physical health. Many problems. And he turned a lot to me, maybe for comfort, but in a completely obsessive way and started to try to control me a little, with whom I hung out, with whom I talked. It disturbed some of my conversations with totally unnecessary subjects, did not respect my space, and I always thought I was ignoring him, especially on facebook or whatsapp. The platonic love he felt for me started to manifest itself a lot in him, and several people noticed this, not just me. Probably even his mother (who also studied in the same city where we studied, and consequently used the same bus as us) was noticing certain "things". Several things eventually worked out for him, at the end of classes. But he was still not well, maybe he was even worse, since he totally finished college and was going to cut ties with everything already.
* Our classes are over and as we would not see each other anymore (it was his last year in college), it was very difficult. Especially for him, who was "demanding" my attention. I am not present on whatsapp / facebook, and I could not pretend to be just to pay attention to him. On my birthday he sent me a very long message and I replied from my heart, we talked a little further but as I did not enter more in the course of the day, our relationship was deteriorating more and more as well.
* Around December 26th he made a super depressing outburst to me saying that he was going to disable all social media accounts he had because no one was paying attention to him, and that he was in a lot of trouble and couldn't/was ashamed to ask for help, but nobody wanted to talk to him. I answered in a totally open way but even so, he disappeared even for a few days.
* With a few minutes left until the end of 2019 he sent me a message apologizing and that he wanted to do everything possible for 2020 to be healthier for us, for our friendship and for our mental health (I didn't say much about ME here, but I say "our health" mental "because at the beginning of 2019 I had my first anxiety attack, I was receiving enormous pressure from my family to do other things and leave college stopped, and in a ripple effect I had other health problems coming after they left me extremely stressed and anxious. Everything went away when I started college in the middle of February that year. Maybe that's why we became friends so quickly - we had similar mental health problems and tried to help each other).
* We talked for a few days in a very good way, but it didn't last long. One day I got home at night, I talked to him, but he thought I ignored him all day and ignored me the rest of that night. So I couldn't take it anymore and I was extremely stressed, so I wrote a huge text. Huge. Speaking that I needed time just for myself, that the friendship was unfortunately becoming toxic and I couldn't focus my attention on him alone. I talked about several points, about how we helped each other, I talked about his platonic love for me that I couldn't match. I sent it a few days later and his reaction was ... very sad. He said he couldn't lose me, that he asked for forgiveness for everything, that he loved me and all the things that you can imagine. But I was VERY bad and I really needed some time just for me.
* I intended to call him in a few weeks to go out and talk about everything and expose all our problems with each other, in a very honest way. But the pandemic came and I couldn't, and since then we have never been in contact with each other. But even so, for a long time we always knew what we were doing, one taking a look at the other's profile on facebook, or on the college's social networks, or peeking though Discord or Instagram.

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Talking more about what came after this:

* A good part of 2020 passed and I managed to let it go, I was busy with a college group homeoffice project that lasted 6 months, so I kept my head busy for a LOT of time. I played a lot of games that I wanted to play for a long time, so it was something else that kept me busy, in addition to some musical hobbies I have. But when my college project ended (August 2020), and our online classes started, I started to feel more ... bored, and eventually frustrated because the online classes were awful. So I took a break from college (September 2020) and tried to study things on my own, but I ended up just playing and doing nothing more productive until January of that year.
* As I gained a few kg and was seeing myself quite sedentary, I started to do more exercises (beginning of March of this year), but at the same time I started to remember a lot of 2019 as a whole. I really, really miss my college routine, my colleagues, the college environment, my internship, and maybe it started to affect me mentally? I started thinking about it for a week and a half almost non-stop, and as a result, I also thought about this colleague of mine and that I could maybe send an apology message, or just to know what he is doing now, if he is okay.
* Three weeks ago I started having insomnia (and I remember exactly that my last conversation before bed was with a friend and we talked about college subjects). I can't say if after several weeks of thinking about these old matters, it did something to my head and prevented me from sleeping. I miss my whole routine very much, and I really want to resolve this situation with this friend. I really get confused and scared, because I didn't necessarily go to bed thinking about it, but definitely BEFORE I went, I was thinking about it. But as the days went by it was replaced only by an anxiety to sleep, the fear of not sleeping, so I started taking sleeping pills, and although it doesn't work every day, I'm sleeping more consistently. And although this subject that I described here is no longer in my head during the nights before I go to sleep, it is something that still stays with me during the day, and even when I go cycling around to adjust my sedentary lifestyle a bit, I see myself passing in front of my colleague's house without many apparent reasons. But I'm still scared, I'm afraid to try to do something, and to go wrong. Fear of not being the main cause of my anxiety and continuing to feel that way without knowing the real reason ... fear in general.
* Honestly, I really want to send him a message of reconciliation. But I am afraid that he will be very angry with me or that it will end up hurting him. Also because I found out that he moved out of town and is ... dating a guy. I was honestly very, very happy that he managed to get rid of his "ghost" and is apparently living in peace. And I don't know if I should disturb his moment. I really don't know and it leaves me very ... paralyzed, not knowing what to do and with my anxiety still present, despite not being so strong when I was at the beginning of the situation. And being honest? I miss him. Especially at this point in time.

To be honest, maybe all of this was more of an outburst than some specific questioning. But I still have my doubts whether my insomnia attacks that came out of nowhere can be related to anxiety (this anxiety which I was not necessarily feeling before, although it may be something more subconscious, but I feel it now, and with the same issues that I was thinking before my sleep problems appear). And also clarifying a point: my first thoughts a few weeks before my insomnia referred to my routine in general, which I still miss so much today, in addition to remembering problems from 2019 but not necessarily related to this friend of mine. But as all these things are strongly related, my main cause of anxiety may still be this situation with my colleague, perhaps? I feel lost, and although I have had anxiety attacks before, they left when I was able to resume my normal routine, which I cannot do now. I also cannot access a psychologist / therapist for a few weeks, and this further increases my insecurity and fear related to anxiety itself, including my sleep health.

I have not even felt excited to resume some hobbies of mine, some small projects that I wanted to continue but I have not succeeded, the mood just doesn't come. I am BETTER than I was two weeks ago, but thoughts about the past during the course of the day are stronger and I just wanted it to go away soon.