This Christmas, in addition to my present, I was thinking of writing a letter to my mom, a huge sufferer of BPD. I moved out a while ago, but her manipulation through emotional and mental abuse and guilting has me visiting every weekend (hence moving). I’m painting her out to be a bad person already, but I understand it’s primarily the disorder. Just laying it all out as objectively as I can. I have sympathy for her and understand when it is her and when it’s not, and she does too (she frequently gives quick apologies to me and my sibling and says “that wasn’t me” and all).

A decade ago, she was taking medication for depression, but seemed to have given up on that (I know PDs don’t have meds that can treat them) and any other form of getting better in a clinical setting. She made friends (not many, but maybe 1-4 people) that she’d be happy and go out and spend a lot of time with, and they’d even empower her at a certain point (especially after seeing their families) to stand up to our family to say that she is a person and deserves to be seen, and that we shouldn’t be treating her the way we do (a lot of ignoring). We were not receptive to that plead (we were very over her and BPD negativity, &amp; I was just a numb teen who had a crazy, emotionally-abusive mom that I didn’t understand—I 100% agreed with her vouching for herself, but I didn’t know what to do with her—for which I will forever hold heavy in my heart if she never feels loved by us). She stopped going out with friends entirely the past few years. She had a teddy bear designated to tell her struggles to, maybe four years back. She let one of our pets tear it up as their toy over time though.

She was doing things to try feeling better in the past, and pandemic or not—and it doesn’t matter how old you are—she’s just been digging herself deeper and deeper into this hole of extreme social isolation. Casual company like going out for walks and having neighbors talk to her is fine, but like many of you, being unhealthily alone is also something she "wants" (because it’s comforting/easy). Her will to live has been progressively dissipating over the years, but she won’t commit suicide because that’s running away (lots of childhood trauma—why she is the way she is).

But she's not a body meant to work 50+ hours/week, always having way too much unused vacation hours (that she's forced to use by her job), always cleaning and working when at home and still being upset at having to do it (but won't give herself a break), and just not be a person with her own interests and enjoyment.

When I suggest she make friends, she says “I know I should,” then goes on about how she’s basically resigned to only living to work for me and my sibling and giving us the best before she goes. It’s an awful thing for a person to subject themselves to. I hope you never have to see one of the only people you genuinely love let themselves just deteriorate. Especially in a way that loses all their humanity, including the capacity to be kinder to yourself and allowing yourself to rest. 

I want to see her get better. Maybe she never will, but I refuse to give up on her. So how dare she give up on herself and put me through the terrible mental gymnastics of empathy—because I believe the hardest worker I've ever known at least deserves that much.

I just wanted to know if a letter would be in bad taste. It won't exactly be like this (I’m frustrated here), but I just want her to know she's not invisible and I do love her, that I'd love for her to keep trying to actually live life, and that I'll be there even when she doesn't believe it.

I’d want to just text what I have on my mind, but our texting is so impersonal and we don’t communicate well through that. I wish I could just physically tell her, but I can’t talk about anything relating to my parents without getting emotional lol compounded with a type of speaking anxiety from my childhood, along with having immigrant parents who don’t speak English that well (so culture comes into play with already lacking affection, intimacy, comfort, and any meaningful communication for my upbringing).

Please be honest with me if I should forget about trying, I won't take it personally if it's a bad idea, or if you guys have alternatives to suggest. She doesn't look forward to the holidays or anything, so if it triggers her reading what I write, well...it won't really be any different than her just being upset through the occasion. And for anyone who has graciously read through this who may be concerned for me, self-preservation and respect for myself still stands when the disorder is taking hold of her words and actions.