I am so worried about how 2019 will play out, 2018 was a awful year. 
I survived 4 suicide attempts and many days of dangerously impulsive behaviour.
I spent most of the year going through the motions, I didn’t feel like a human being. 
Every suicide attempt was terrifying, I remember being a shaky mess of emotions as I tried to take my life those times. 
I shook so much, it’s as if my emotional pain was so powerful.


There are times when I don’t want to survive 2019, but I also do? 
Every day is just a fucking mess of emotions and confusion.
Besides these thoughts, I’m trying to be positive. 
But BPD has made me over think all my actions and perceive them as me just being annoying. 


The thing I have the hardest time with is relationships and keeping them. 
I’ve lost so many friends because I either stop talking to them because I feel I am annoying. 
Or I feel jealously or hate for them, even if they’re good people. 
My opinion of my friends and romantic interests change so drastically, it’s confusing. 
I happen to like this one guy a lot, and I am unsure if his feelings are the same..I can’t read people. 
I get so frustrated over only certain things, I’ll explode and threaten to kill myself—which scares everyone around me. 

Half of myself hopes I succeed killing myself this year. 
The other half is planning my future, what college I’m attending, and that I’ll eventually find someone who loves me. 

(Sorry for posting on this subreddit twice in one day).. 
