From the second I started really using social media at age 13, I’ve constantly employed it as an outlet. I noticed on more public accounts I’d focus immensely on my image. Was picked on for being a little weird and awkward from ages 9-14. Social media, in a sense, allows you to carefully craft the way in which you’re perceived by others. You can be considered cool from a standard that people in real life may not consider cool. On my more private accounts, my finstas, at random month long periods I would often engage in over sharing and as someone who does/speaks before thinking, I’d frequently post captions that were cryptic or concerning. In May, I decided to get a finsta again and in August, my fp requested to follow after two months of no contact. Of course having them back in my life had me euphoric but now everything I said was within their gaze. How would they now perceive me? Due to my emotional permanence, I in general already would bombard them with attention to make sure they don’t forget about me. Now with them being able to have a space within my private quarters in which I’ve given the label as my “online diary”, I began to lose sight over what it really means for me to post every single emotion I have, especially in the moments in which they are concerning. For the past few months I’ve been rolling off socials. This time last year off snapchat, over the summer tik tok (I told myself that there was life before it and I despised how much time I was spending on it), twitter, my main instagram back in August and as of today, my finsta. Seeing their name in my views, checking their followers, it was psychological torture. Back in October, I’ve realized how much they in a sense “control my thoughts”. Even when they do nothing at all. This is my next big step to being the one in control of my mind and I am confident it will help me to a large degree. I hope to focus on what’s in front of me in the physical realm, as opposed to my next text from them, them seeing something I posted or panicking wondering if their latest follower will make them fall in love with them.