Hey all.
I wanted to gauge how messed up I really am by telling my story for people;

I was raised in a regional area of Australia
I had a cousin whom I was very close to die from a rare form of leukaemia in his mid 20s when I was 13.
It was a very long and painful death for him and I was there to witness the worst of it.
It made my father's drinking even worse, and my mother left - and because of all this I dropped out of high school and went into home schooling until the mandatory year 10.

Because we lived in a lone house, in a paddock, well outside of town my social interactions were severely limited and it was pretty much just me and my father there until I was 18 and managed to get out on centrelink (the dole) as a full time student.

Those 5 years were very damaging I feel - and even now at 30 I can't seem to escape the grasp of what that time alone did to me.

I was in Melbourne during all the lockdowns (most locked down city in the world apparently - over 270 days) it brought back a lot of that emotional intensity in me and has left me feeling deeply alone and antisocial,  and just worn down (plus broke).
I have had the good grace of a wonderful therapist and the government subsidy, but most of that was just like a kind of emergency first aid to calm me weekly or fortnightly and I never got to make as much progress with it as I would have liked.

I have a deep deep hatred in me for my mother abandoning me and my father for a whole list of things (keeping me trapped for one thing) so my relationship is non-existent with dad, and my mother tries, but I just can't let her in (I've had the term "ambivalent attachment " used by my therapist on this)

I feel like I'm at the end of my tether and now the last of my youth is gone and I spent most of it just trying to survive with my overbearing mind so I see myself as woefully under accomplished compared to so many of my peers.
(I have friends and an ex gf from when I studied who have done some truly incredible things since my time knowing them)

I'm skipping a couple of other things in here but that's the meat of it essentially.

I just don't know.
Would love some thoughts from people on all of this.
Thank you.