Not suicidal, I just hate my life, and I do not want to live. I do not want to kill myself, but I do wish I was never born. What even is my purpose? I do not have many friends, and I feel social behind. However, I can not even do anything about that because of my education choice. The only good thing I have going for me is that I will finish flight school this summer and have my degree. All I do is study, gym, and study. I thought I beat this depression thing, but I guess not.  

I feel behind in life at 21 years old, as all my peers seem to be having so much fun. I do not live my life. Additionally, I am worried I will never find love or true happiness. Additionally, everyone around me seems to chase flings and hookups, and as a man, I am supposed to love that sort of thing. But, I guess I am weird, I do not seek that, I would rather have a genuine relationship. I am anxious I will never find the person who loves me for me or will take me seriously. I would love to be with someone who would listen to me and I could just hug once in a while. Honestly, I would rather have that than sex any day. Idk, every time I open up about feelings, emotions, or insecurities it just leads to tragedy with women anyways. 

I guess I just need to accept that as a "Man", I need to man up and brunt how I feel on my shoulder every day with the fake smile I put on. Deep down I am drowning inside and I cried tonight, which I never let myself do. I said the words out loud, "I hate my life, I hate my life" and that is when the tears came. God, I can not believe I said it out loud because it is true. The shittiest part is the only person that can help me is me, and I suck.