For a really long time I sought out narcissists unconsciously because of unhealed attachment wounds. I couldn't allow myself to be attracted to someone who was secure, respectful, trusting, and reciprocal in relationships. It was boring. After a complete collapse, I decided I was going to start doing things differently until I felt differently. It felt weird and raw and confusing but it worked? And it was hard but somehow so simple.

I love being bored. I love knowing I can trust my boyfriend to tell me he loves me and make me dinner on Tuesday nights. I love hearing about his insecurities and his fears and being trusted to hold them and to be strong and reasonable and help him find meaning in it. I love walking him through how I need him to react while I'm still in the middle of a trigger and having him patiently work through it with me. I love being able to trust myself and him to do that. I love singing show tunes with him or hearing him say he wants to go on a walk just because it is nice outside? (A cherub, wtf.) I love the way he swings our hands in public carelessly. I love that he made my picture his lock photo on his phone and steals my clothes without feeling remotely embarrassed or self-conscious. I love how he doesn't take it personally when I experience empathy fatigue. I love that he doesn't freak out when I experience fear of enmeshment and ask for space and is always excited and enthusiastic when I come back. I love how peaceful, and kind, and genuine, and strong he is. And I love how vulnerable we are together. I love how he allows me to be all of me and how all of me becomes the best of me when I am around him.

I love dating someone who doesn't have neuroses for me to handle and takes responsibility for himself and expects and encourages me to do the same. I love that he accepts support. I love that he accepts love. I love that he seeks to understand me for /me/ and only wants to know how BPD shows up for /me/. I love that he doesn't feel the need to pathologize or control me. I love that he asks for what he needs.

I love my boyfriend so much. And I am really proud of myself for being able to create such a loving and trusting relationship with him.