Hello babes I am new here... I need help so fucking bad. I need perspective. Thank you in advance for anyone who will read and respond. I am stuck in a shit storm. I have bpd but i feel like theres more there, i have also depression, anxiety and ptsd. But ive had psychotic breakdowns and they get horrible when I fall in love and during relationships. Like I have profetic dreams and "signs" and talk to the dead love ones of my significant other, etc... This current relationship I am in, i tried to step on the breaks so bad and so hard, treat them as a friend, as a human, as someone who i dont idealize and fall head over heels for, but it was so hard... the profetic dreams started, ideations, physical symptoms and literally feeling the process of falling in love so hard i couldnt eat almost anything for a week, i thought that was a sign for it being my soulmate, time stopped and swirls and spirals came out of his eyes to connect with mine and make me feel in the sky... my heart had a breakthough, my mind... so many life realizations, he was like my personal jesus christ... well anyways.. when it came down to being a regular ass normal person, shame overcame me... emotional intimacy, the one that is grounded and open, didnt exist to me... it was always either sex or problems or something erratic or breaking up with him thousand times... but I ALWAYS SAID SORRY... i wasnt diagnosed then... didnt even understand my underlying issues, i was just a mess... but i was always apologetic and REALLY MEAN IT when i told him i dont want to purposfully hurt him... we did long distance relationship and that just made my mind run into negative fears and narratives... if he didnt answer i would go insane, plus he is in the autism spectrum and diagnosed bipolar even tho he said the bipolar diagnose is bullshit, so he used to tell me he is terrible with mails and communicating emotions, so imagine that for me was a huge trigger, it triggered all my issues... i used to send him mails telling him i was gonna hunt him on his dreams and kill him but as a joke... but having no reaction of him whatsoever and just being like cold about it made me actually hate him, and think did he dared to try and play with me... and all this over miscommunications through emails 😭😭😭 i only wanted him to adore and love me as hard as i was doing it. he seemed oblivious to my attempts to connect even tho he said he loves me.... but how??? i came back and surprised him in the US and started like acting out a lot on him... i never felt understood... i shoudlve ended it there and got help... but i insisted, to the point in which WE ARE LIVING TOGETHER NOW... and all my continuous attempts for me to intensly emotionally connect with him FAIL... the rejection and how baffled he is of my needs UPSETS ME ... i get triggered so bad... till he snapped... he started yelling at me, in my face, insult me, call me retarded, idiot, bitch, stupid, yell at me in public, grab my shirt and scream at me and destroy my shirt, he has put his hands on my neck and throw me to the floor, he has destroyed my laptop, cell phone, and says he will destroy the house when i finally break up with me... because i destroyed his emotions and life... i stayed with him all this time cause i was desperate and felt he was IT... the person i love... my feeling for him SO STRONG... i personally dont feel like what i ask is too much... i asked for meditating together, for cuddling and stare into each others eyes in appreciation, to run our fingertips through our skin and to talk about our internal worlds, how we work inside, our deeper darkest thoughts, to french kiss, to give each other massages and to understand and hold space for each other if emotions come up, like anger or screaming or crying when we massage each other, cause emotions are stored in the body... THATS ALL I EVER FUCKING ASKED FOR .. he always said "nobody does that, its retarded " ... ive literally seen couples and people do it. I get upset and triggered due to VALID REASONS and he calls it over reacting, being unreasonable and illogical, me trying to explain why turns into "excusing my immaturity" ... i sometimes feel like it could all be so simple... literally just give me fucking love understanding validation and acceptance for the rest of our lives... he says he doesnt want to or i dont deserve for him to be as patiente with me... i should grow... but i go to therapy, i try hard, FUCK, i financially SUPPORT HIM.. i am a sex worker.. when he had a hard time accepting my job i held his hand through the process, i took his screaming, his belittling, his insulting until he learned to accept it as just another fucking job... cause i knew it was hard feelings to process not just nobody accepts a sex worker as a partner... why cant it be the same with me? he knows i was TRIGGER WARNING.. sexually abused by my fucking dad.. a LIFE LONG SCAR... why cant people just accomodate with love and support??? do i deserve the bad treatment? he insists im the only one who should change, that i provoke those reactions on him, he says im the abuser, he says i dont understand shit and im the one in the wrong... i always say im sorry for everything and take the blame cause we are balls deep on this already, 3 years.. i dont want this to be another failed relationship... but i harbor so much resentment since the beggining and specially cause he has gotten physical and i just cant get over it, is it justified? did i really pushed him to be like that? is it double standards because i got angry with him over messages and said " i will kill you if you dont answer" ?? i plan on breaking up with him tho... cant do this anymore... im afraid it will be catastrophic but i will try doing it the most safe as possible.. thank you