This may be a long one, but please bear with me.

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I have always struggled with my mental health. Depression and anxiety have ruled the majority of my life starting around age 16. I used to self-medicate with alcohol and still have a hard time controlling drinking; I don't drink often but when I do I find it hard to stop. I have been on multiple anti-depressants, having exhausted almost every SSRI on the market and am unable to take SNRIs because I've had a seizure from my failed OD attempt. Mental illness also runs heavily in my family. I've gone to a couple therapists, one diagnosed me as bipolar with generalized anxiety disorder and major depression. Another therapist added perfectionism with an anxious-attachment style.

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Recent developments in my life have made me realize just how fucked up my view of the world is and how sheltered I was raised and I am basically spineless and hate myself so much for being like this. Being a perfectionist and people-pleaser I do anything I can to keep the peace/make people like me no matter if I've known the person 5 mins or 5 years. I lie about the stupidest, smallest things that literally do not even matter. I will try to hide things if I think it will cause conflict because I'm extremely non-confrontational. I cannot lie about big things though, I have a lot of guilt and shame if I try and will physically be ill or shake uncontrollably/panic attacks/etc. I feel like a destructive, manipulative, conniving, selfish POS. I always put my own feelings before everyone else and will stop at no means to make sure my emotional needs are met, no matter how much it hurts or pushes other people away just as long as I feel ok. I claim to be a kind, compassionate person who cares about others but I've had a huge wakeup call as to just how selfish I truly am in my mindset and feel like I just drag everybody else down with me when I'm having a rough go.

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For context, I am in my 30s. I had too supportive of parents, they always came to my rescue whenever I've fallen on hard times in my life. I am extremely codependent on friends and my significant other as well. As pathetic as it sounds I feel like I have never had to only rely on myself, have never really been punished or had to deal with real consequences of my actions because of the way I was raised and even when I do fuck up I try to sway things in my favor so that I can feel ok about the situation and keep the anxiety/depression in check. I feel like I am clearly way too old to have the mindset I do and am feeling very hopeless that I can change. I legitimately feel like I would be better off dead than to have to subject someone to my selfish fucked up state ever again. I am highly considering checking myself into a mental institution with the suicidal thoughts I've been having. I feel like I have completely lost my mind and have no idea where to go or how to handle this at all. Could anyone explain the process of going to a mental health institute?

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tl;dr

I am slowly self-actualizing how fucked up and selfish of a view of the world that I have and feel like I am too old to ever even possibly learn how to change it. I feel like I have been a terrible human being and am debating if I should go to a mental health institute.