Ok so, to start off, I have not been diagnosed. I have been feeling really strange lately (I will get to details in a little), and haven't exactly figured out why. From what I have read, Bpd seems like an accurate description of what my mind has been doing lately. I am always thinking in black and white (absolutes) and trying to put labels on myself. I imagine things that I have thought in my past to justify the way I am feeling at the moment. My relationships with people have always been up and down, sometimes for no reason. I just think that I have it. I know self diagnoses aren't normally 100% correct, but I think I am right about myself. That is one of the only things that i feel that i am right about at the moment. Alright, so now to right now what I am feeling. By the way I am 18 y/o male and just starting college. Ok so, about a month or two ago I had sex with my guy best friend and everything started going to shit in my head. I have always known I was gay, so that wasn't it. It was the fact that he didn't want any further relationship because he was already involved with someone. The fact that he cheated on someone with me also made me feel shittier. Ok so after that, I got home, and literally out of nowhere, I start to think that I am transgender, without even knowing exactly what it is. Before this happened, I was fine with who i was, I never questioned it, but now I have no idea. I mean, I know who that person is, but it is so difficult for me to get back to it, and that's all i want to do, get back to the way i felt before. So now, the more I learn about transgender people, the more I feel those things, but when I feel those things they don't really feel real, but I can't stop them. It stresses me out so much. I now go in and out of moods where I think I might be a girl, and where I am happy with being a boy. It is like everyday is an emotional roller coaster. Keep in mind this has never happened before. Every time I try to give into those "feelings" (like many transgender people have said to do) I feel like a boy again because I know that isn't me. Now, just yesterday, I looked at a dress, felt nothing, then (like my mind told me to) I looked back and felt like I wanted it. That was the only time it felt like a real emotion, so now I am afraid that my mind is permanently adopting that way of thinking. I still really like boys clothing, in fact shopping for boys cloths just feels natural to me.
I have not ruled out the fact that I might be transgender, and I might have been in denial my whole life without realizing it, but that just doesn't feel right, but I have the ability to think that is true. I hear a lot of trans people say that they don't like being called transgendered because that implies that it was something that happened to them. Transgendered would fit me because it would be something that happened to me, in fact I would be able to go back to the specific moment when the idea creeped into my head. I was just sitting down, saw the word transgender on my computer, then it felt like something was creeping into my mind. I even said aloud, "No, no! You are not, you know you are not." Ever since I have been feeling like I have described. I just don't want to be wrong about this. I know I need to see a therapist, but something I don't know if I could tell someone in real life this... What are your thoughts? Sorry this is a little long