It happened again. Woke up shaking and in fear. I have failed. I spent so much time yesterday ensuring I'd wake up feeling okay, and to continue that streak. It lasted just two days. That's all I get, is two little mornings of not waking up with stupid ass anxiety. Just two. Now I can look back and remember the COUNTLESS mornings where I woke up shaking and scared. I am fucking sick of it. I don't want to commit suicide, I really don't. The process is likely painful and scary but I cannot live a life of pain. I cannot live everyday in an anxious state. Existing is NOT THE SAME as living. I can exist without trying, I do so without even my own input. I don't live. I struggle moment to moment just trying to not have a panic attack, to not get the urge to go hide in a dark room. Spent two months afraid of death, now all I have to say to death is, what the fuck are you waiting for? You make me scared enough to take away all the magic in life, but too scared to take me? Come on mother fucker I am finished!!! My family isn't the same, my life isn't the same and is headed towards shit, end my suffering. This shit isn't worth it anymore. If I don't die then I'll just waste every fucking day in bed until I either feel better or get the courage to find something to kill my useless self with. I am glad I have spent time collecting coins, if I die they will have a nice and altogether permanent thing to remember me by, and I hope they remember the version of me that laughed at jokes and enjoyed things, not the shell and shitless version of myself I am now. I used to be somebody, I am not anymore. I am 25 this Saturday, that about as long as I ever thought I'd live. It makes sense then, I may have predicted my own lifespan in the past accurately. If I do die soon may I do so in peace, and may my family find peace again after my death, grant them the ability to do what I was incapable of. To any strangers reading this, I hope whatever pain that may drive you down a path that I am on seise to exist and permanently. I tried making it in this life, I tried.