So here's the thing, I have dealt with actual diagnosed depression for the past 5 years. I am 17 years old and started dealing with depression at the age of 12. I have been on perscribed Sertraline for the past 9 months or so. But one thing that i've noticed for quite a while now is that there is some part of me that wants to be mentally ill, that wants to be crazy, that wants to be depressed. And I know that's very controversial but I also know i'm not the only one dealing with this. I've talked about this with my therapist and we have come to a theory that it might be because I have a need to feel special, to feel loved. And that it's become a normal thing for me to feel the most special and loved when I am at my lowest. Because people suddenly want to take care of me. I have also been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a long time and quite frequently. Even when I feel fine. I have also come to terms that I am just insanely lazy, but in a way that I eventually just dont allow myself to continue with stuff if I dont feel like it anymore. Not conciously, it just kindof happens. I also always feel very foggy, I don't feel like I am one of the people and if I am I feel like i'm a special case. I am insanely concious of everything I do, say or what happens around me. I am insanely good at placing myself into others peoples brains, being able to read people. Not even trying to flex, it's just a thing that I am insanely good at. And it's exhausting, because it makes me very concious of how I make others feel. Which causes me to completely lose myself to the well being of others. I am basically turning into someone that just pleases others which I realise and I want to do more about. Trying to limit myself to only doing this to people who I care for and not for everyone around me, which is hard because I feel like everyone's valid enough for me to treat them well, but at the same time it's hard because I am putting my own well being at risk for the sake of others. Weirdest thing is, I don't even know if I fully care for the people that i'm supposed to love. Ofcourse I care for them, but not to the amount that I feel like I should. And I also feel very detached from everyone I know, doubting everyones actions and everyons affection for me. Losing all of my memories with people is not something new, for me to see my mom I see her as if she's a person i've met only a week ago. But no, she's my mom. I came out of her vag. Like jesus christ. But I just notice that i'm weird, I permanently feel tired. I dont remember the last time I actually felt awake. If anything I don't recall the last time I actually felt alive, there was this one time on truffles where I felt so there. But that was the only time I can recall feeling even remotely alive. I just feel so dimmed, so tired, so lazy, so hazey, so blurry. There's been times where I was convinced that I was in a simulation, just completely losing touch with reality. Sometimes I wonder if I actually am insane and might be a psychopath or something but I cant be a psychopath. I've given myself a lot of diagnosis like borderline, bipolar disorder type 2. Which actually isnt that much, but doesn't matter. Therapist have given me the idea of borderline, bipolar, ADHD and ADD being very realistic disorders in my case. But even after going to therapy for about 4 to 5 years they kindof seem to not want to give me a diagnosis. Eventho I have told them many times that I am looking for something to identify my struggles with so I can stop feeling like i'm actually insane instead of that they always answer with we have to focus on the issues u're dealing with and try and fix those. BUT YEAH I KNOW BIH THATS WHAT IVE BEEN DOING CAN I JUST PLEASE GET SOMETHING SO I CAN STOP FEELING LIKE IM JUST OVERREACTING?!?!?! But also with borderline, it's a diagnosis that I just want to have for some reason. I feel like it would validate me, make me feel heard. I also think I wanna stop taking my meds, but I won't do that before talking to my psychiatrist so don't worry. But I wanna experience what I was meant to experience again. To make me feel like I am not being a little bitch and see that my struggles are real.