It's been 10 years since I tried killing myself with my mother's codeine, life had as ways been bearable though, incredibly hard - I won't go into details though, lt has been extremely difficult lately. I've been suffering from a severe frustration and anger towards myself and life, whether that be social, family or romantic, no matter how much I try it's such a negative aspect in my life, I try to confide in my work and my art, which both have stopped, one due to COVID and the other due the negative social aspect in my life. I've always had a deep anger and hatred towards my self though, I still hold such a positive mind and outlook, my therapist calls it the flux, the positive nihilist. I've been here before, many times with these frustrations, I've broken my hands from punching walls, I've abused alcohol and subscription opiates. And It's been years since I've done anything major in terms of a frustrated outburst, though the negative frustrated suicidal tendencies are still there and always are, even though I surround my self in self awareness, psychiatric and psychological therapies. 

though I can't escape the circles of continuous drama, wasted energy and the common feeling of being ostracized. I find myself getting extremely frustrated lately - I've been finding myself breaking stuff, standing in a dismal daze for hours on end, i s, and just smashing all my stuff out of no reason other than frustrations, I find myself just randomly smashing my dinner against the wall, the steering wheel of my car is completely smashed in, (the mechanics still haven't figured out why the horn doesn't work) I have even smashed a glass of water on the floor, in which I picked up shattered glass and sliced my left forearm in a frantic emotional rage, since then I just rip all the scabs and skin off it now as if it's an emotional fidgit, I can only think to myself that this is the start of it getting worse again. Though I won't let it.

I really don't know why I'm posting this, I really don't, I truly know I have no to reason to be so angry and depressed, though I can't help but feel I've been unlucky in some aspects in life, with a feeling of being ostracized. Even just writing this I cringe at myself.

Life eh.