We got back together early 2020 after I cheated in 2019. I spent a few weeks in-patient, got an amazing therapist and am in DBT. I’ve been really fucking trying, being faithful, committed to my recovery, but I couldn’t shake hiding interactions with my toxic family so kept lying around seeing them.

2 weeks ago I told him I was seeing them last minute at an inappropriate time and it was the straw that broke the camels back. He stopped speaking to me and told me we were done - I went full denial and convinced myself we could repair. We finally had a calm conversation yesterday and it hit me that it’s really over. He isn’t strong enough to handle my struggles because his trauma from me is too great. My unwellness makes him unwell. 

I’m a fucking mess because I understand it. The person I am now isn’t good for him and I love him too much to hurt him anymore. I hope that once I am more stable within myself we could potentially reconnect, but the person I am now can’t. He told me he unconditionally loves me but needs to heal too. Said that I can do it and he believes in me. 

But we still live together. At least for another year and I don’t want to run away like i always do. I want this to be different and actually heal. But now I don’t know what to do but cry.