My whole life, I've seen people complain about anxiety, one way or another. Mainly through social media, but also back In highschool. the way people portrayed themselves around this disorder made it seem like a joke in my eyes. It's like, they made it seem like every little problem that they had, they just blamed it on "their anxiety". how: "omg this is giving me anxiety", "my anxiety is sky-rocketing because of this little insignificant thing, I cannot cope with it." it all just seemed like a fat blatant excuse to not cope and deal with one's problems. Not really trying to offend anyone of course, but back then, It's not that I looked down on such people, but more like, it seemed simple to overcome. Just don't be anxious. I am sorry if I sound insensitive, it truly isn't or wasn't my intention. the whole idea of anxiety seemed stupid to me. boy was I wrong. 

I smoke a lot of pot usually. I am in college, and because of my studies, I have to quit pot in order to be able to achieve higher marks, which is fine. But this week, I don't know what happened to me. I was cornered in between a conjunction of problems that made me literally snap. between family problems, meeting deadlines that I wasn't prepared for, being behind on some classes, and quitting weed and nicotine, made me experience out of nowhere a huge anxiety attack when i got back from the gym 4 days ago (took pre workout as well, haven't been drinking caffeine in months), showcased more like a DP/DR episode (derealization). it was terrifying. thank god the feelings have subsided, but I still feel off. to be honest, I am still scared that I will go insane. 

when I sit down to do my work, or I am just minding my own business, is like this wave of anxiety just hits me randomly. it's hard to explain. No matter how much I tell myself that I still have time to catch up. I still have time to fix my mistakes. there's still f\*cking time to do me justice. it does nothing. it's like it's ingrained subconsciously in my mind, like I cannot trick myself out of it till I show results to myself. it's insane!

I am honestly annoyed and pissed the f\*ck off that I am going through this. I actually meditate daily and consider myself decently good at it, work out on a daily basis as well. I should be immune to this sort of disorder right?? WRONG! 

This just gives to show how fragile the human mind is. how, when put in real stress full situations (i Know what I listed is insignificant as to what many people go through, my many blessings go out to the many sufferers) your mind can just literally fold when it doesn't have a crutch to lean on. 

Lesson learned, my hat goes off. Karma is a b\*tch, f\*cks u over sooner or later, But fair. I just hope I can feel normal again. I literally feel pressure in my head, I feel scared, alone, and so emotional these days. I feel like crying as I am typing this. and although I know that everything will be okay in the end, it just aggravates me when I look around and still feel so desensitized with reality at times. it's gotten a lot better though (been like 3 days), but I am just stuck in a place where I don't know what's normal anymore. whether it's all in my head, or whether I f\*cked up something. I guess i just need some people to tell whats up. Ive been on the DP/DR community on reddit, but that sh\*ts so depressing to read, and i am getting no help honestly over there.