Guess I should start off with a quick bio, I'm 19, Male, CS major, 6'2ish and overweight. I've struggled with my mental health and body image issues since my early teens but as of recently it has just been a hyperfixation of my brain and it's been causing me dire emotional pain. 

I have big issues with my body and how I look. I hate just about everything about myself appearance wise. Whenever I'm alone or doing some menial task, I always start to run into deeper thoughts about my inherent worthlessness and ugly body. I cant imagine any person wanting to be with me in any sort of romantic relationship. It started young, got bullied for it by some peers but never really took it too seiously, still had good friends and my weight and appearance was always just a weak joke that never really bothered me. Its gotten alot worse recently, I used to reassure myself that relationships and mental wellbeing will come to me one day, like the majority of people, but as the days pass it seems like I'm not getting any closer.  I dont think ill ever be able to escape this body Ive been given, and I just have to live with my self imposed loneliness. Never have been popular with women, tried talking but would really never get anywhere without me reviving smalltalk or little conversations here or there. Luckily I'm greatful to have the company of some of the best friends I could ask for, that help me push through some of the smaller mental problems I've dealt with. I just feel so undesired romantically. 

I had a pretty bad existential mental break about 3 months ago, and since then I've been very uneasy emotionally and mentally. What pushed me over the edge recently was listening to my friends talk about thier partners and other relationship stuff. It just made me feel like I was missing out on a large important emotional milestone in my life, with no one to blame but myself. I hope this doesn't read as just me having a cynical worldview, because I've really tried to be the best I can but it just doesn't seem to connect. Im a grade A student, generally liked by my fellow peers, and eat mostly healthy, but I cant shake these ideas in my head everytime I look in the mirror. 

I don't really know why I'm writing this, but I felt like I finally just needed to reach out above the water for help or maybe advice. I get into these cyclical motions in my brain where I mentally fight between just expelling how I feel to my friends and family, and just shutting up and keeping to myself because I feel like I would just be doing it for the attention and response. Thanks for reading this, any suggestions, advice, or comments are welcome. This whole little writeup is probably pretty messy and cluttered, but I just needed to vent my thoughts.