I keep rushing sex, and I don't know how to connect with men outside of it. I just really want someone to share all the love I have, and every time I do it the way I know how, they go away or back pedal from me. 

I think I feel a connection early on and initiate sexual communication or contact, and I don't feel uncomfortable with it, but I feel like afterwards they do. 

I try to not, but it's such strong reflex and it's where I'm comfortable operating, as opposed to an emotionally driven approach where I'm out of my element and feel vulnerable.

I don't know how to move slowly with men, and I know it's me and my defense mechanisms that are getting in my own way of what I want.

I really thought I was ready for a real relationship and every time I can't help but feel stupid for really believing I had gotten anywhere I want to be. I'm just frustrated because every time I feel like I'm really getting better, it's like I turn the corner and there's another underlying problem that I have to fix and manage and work around. It's just really tiring and makes me sad. 

I refuse to give up but I'm just trying to talk it out in a safe space. I'm tired and just wish I was with someone who could understand me and love me as I am and as I function. Guess no more dating apps for me for the time being until I untangle this.