Short version: I have an anxiety disorder and one set of intrusive thoughts is killing me right now. How can I get on with my life, and forget really bad memories, shame and regret, and intrusive anxieties I have no control over?  Everything I'm worried about most likely won't happen, but it's paralyzing me.

Longer version:

I am a 25-year-old male living in the southeastern U.S.. I have a degree in the arts and have a decent job in film production. During March - June 2020, I was spending some time with a woman my age who was finishing her graduate degree in town. We did not know each other that well, and we decided we weren't compatible for a committed relationship. However, we spent some time together but agreed either party could withdraw whenever we were no longer interested. We used contraception, avoided the fertile window, and agreed upon getting an abortion if something went wrong because neither of us wanted children. It was an open, consensual, and cautious arrangement.

Months later I stumble upon someone I thought I'd be more compatible with, and started considering breaking it off. She then informs me that she had a pelvic exam and learned she had hpv. Even though it wasn't a big deal and men can't even get a test for it, she still informed me and I told her I appreciated it and that it didn't ruin our arrangement. Then a few days later, I made a decision I will always regret. I ended our arrangement because of a potential committed relationship with this other person. My timing could not have been worse, and she was very upset. We stopped communicating after somewhat resolving things, but she definitely still had some resentment. The other person I pursued didn't even work out.

Four months later she already had moved several hundred miles away, and the single thought "She would have told me if she was pregnant right?" popped in my head. Days later it became an intrusive thought that wouldn't go away, so I ended up texting her and asking her "You aren't pregnant right? You would have told me so I could pay for the abortion right?" That really pissed her off initially. She wouldn't give me an answer because I didn't deserve one according to her. To paraphrase, she said, "If I was pregnant I wouldn't tell you, because this hypothetical child doesn't need an asshole father who's going to pop in and out." I later realized she felt totally objectified, like a receptacle I just hit up to be sure I was off the hook. I apologized profusely, acknowledged what I did wrong, and she told me to leave her alone.

One more month later, she texted me out of the blue and basically said "I've been thinking a lot and talking to my friend about this whole situation. I now realize more about your anxiety and my friend and I have some sympathy for you. While I owe you nothing, I respect your mental illness, so I'll let you know that I am not pregnant." We both got closure, and we had a civil light-hearted talk afterward, and I added her back on Snapchat where for days I saw evidence of her not being pregnant on her story - body shots and alcoholic beverages and stuff. She took me off her Snapchat after a little while though.

Now it is another six months since we have spoken, and now I am obsessing over the thought that it is technically possible for her to lie about it. I am now having intrusive thoughts of her just appearing years down the road and saying "Here's your damn kid - I don't want it anymore." The feeling that my life as I know it is going to abruptly end is consuming me, and I want the certainty that I am in fact not a father. I don't think contacting her again is an option. I have run this past my therapist, my mom, and two close friends who all say I need to move on but it's still looping in my head.

I feel overwhelming shame and anxiety. Has anyone out there had a similar experience? Does anyone have any advice? I just want to learn from my mistakes, get on with my life, and not think about this anymore. Thank you so much for your time.