Hey all,

So yeah, I've been clean this time around for 5 and a half months, and before that I was clean for **over a year** and then relapsed twice and put me on this road of 5 months that I'm at now. So, 4 times total of relapse/recovery.

I have bpd and bipolar = moody af.

Had an unpleasant exchange of words with my girlfriend of over a year who I live with tonight where she said I was *much more mentally ill and worse than her and she could handle my shit but I can't handle hers* (which is true, I have **a lot** of diagnosis) but she has more than 1 mental illness as well and she is currently going through a depressive episode which I never know how to handle because of childhood trauma and having to be someones caretaker at a young age.

I admit, I do not know how to deal with her depressive episodes (working on it in therapy) and we fought and I told her I am trying my best but obviously its not good enough and I get too overwhelmed. 

Anyway, long story short- I went to leave the house to buy ice cream after our fight, and ended up *stealing a knife* since all of my old tools I used to cut with are rusty and old. I also went to the *liquor store and just started drinking.* She's in the next room watching tv, I am in our bedroom and *took all of my bandages and shit with me in case I do end up cutting myself.*

I don't know where this urge came from but Jesus it's strong, and as you can see I've put a lot of thought into harming myself, but damn... it will feel like shit having to restart my sobriety counter.

I know a lot of DBT skills and am in therapy, but right now I just want to get drunk and cut.