Hi, new here.

I’m at a loss and I need help.

I’m going to tag this at NSFW but I’ll elaborate the TW here incase anyone wants a sneak peak into what I’m gonna vent about:




TW: sexual assault, institutional abuse, drug use, self injury, suicide, mention of pregnancy and abortion and codependency.





Where do I even start, I’m at my wits end. I know it’s getting bad when I turn to strangers on the internet. I recently left long-term residential care, I’m still working to adjust to normal life. Being in treatment for almost four years ruined any social skills I have, they threw me back into the world to fend for myself. Everything blew to shit, I lost my support system and all the structure I had in treatment. Treatment wasn’t fun, but it kept me alive and I learned some stuff. I came home and all the old habits crept back in, and now I’m isolating myself again.

I turned 18, I finished high school, got into college, got a internship, all while ripping myself to shreds. I started using again, my judgement blurred, I stopped trying to get a read on people. Which was a big mistake. I was at a party and I got taken advantage of, and now I may be pregnant. I started cutting and spiraled into dark thoughts. I’m somehow still functioning, struggling a shit ton but I’m still fighting. I have dreams, I want to be a veterinarian and have my own clinic. But everything seems so closed off right now.

I feel guilty whenever I talk to people that say they love me. It makes my insides curdle and hurt. I cringe at it. For example I can’t spend too much time around a friend that stuck with me throughout my treatment, I have to mute a treatment friend’s texts so they don’t pop up right away, I have to hide photos and gifts I’ve gotten from them. My therapist says I need to put those items back out, but they kill me. I can’t hurt myself because it feels like the people those items remind me of are watching. I was going to commit suicide last month but I stared at my board for a few seconds and the guilt crushed me. So I avoid everyone in my support system now, even the thought of them hurts.

Only a few friends know about my pregnancy scare, they’ve been so supportive but I still am avoiding them.

The push-pull is real.

I am avoiding healthy people and trading them for unhealthy people. Which is bad but it’s comforting.


What do I do? 

I know I need my support system but I can’t get around my guilt.


Thank you for reading.