  

I’ll try to summarise things without omitting important parts. So I broke up with a toxic gf when I was 16; we had been together for 2 years. She really loved me and I loved her but she had broken my major rule which is respect: she had called me names a couple of times, had talked my friends into stopping talking to me and I couldn’t even go to concerts or she’d get jealous, besides, we fought daily. It was hard to leave since she threatened me with killing herself and going to the police and say I had raped her (which was a lie, ofc). After struggling for a few months, I left and didn’t talk to her again – I still had feelings for her, but it was the best option. Later I found out she ruined her life and I still feel guilty to this day for not being there for her to stop her from doing those stupid things, so much so that I felt that it was only fair to ruin my life too – I had been accepted to the best university in my country, but I dropped out. How could I go if she didn’t have the opportunity all because of me leaving her?

   
 

I didn't feel like I could be with someone else for a year or so, then I started talking to a couple of people and got a new gf, but it felt fake. I didn't really feel anything more than the regular friendship bond, so I broke up with her quickly, and again was alone, this time for 2 more years – still missing the first one. 

Then I met this girl online. She was amazing. We were like oil and water but we became good friends and after half a year I started liking her, and I felt actually happy again. We became a couple 4 months later. 

She was a university student, and I felt I’d be a burden if we did end up together, so I went and applied for university in 2017, was rejected twice, in 2018 I was rejected the first try but was accepted the second time, and I did my best so our future together was easier. 

   
 

About 6 months in, we started fighting – and it was pretty similar to what it was with the first one, so I told my parents if they could pay for a therapist – after a couple of sessions, the therapist sent me to the psych hospital. There, they told me I had BDP and wanted me to stay at the ward for 2 to 3 weeks for tests and shit. I refused bc I wouldn’t be able to speak with her for that long. It had been more than a year knowing her and not one day did we not talk; when she went to sleep, we’d have at least a 10-minute call. The medic got mad and told me she was gonna give me meds and she’d refer me to a doctor to see me every 4 months – I had just watched BoJack Horseman the season where \[spoilers\]Bojack’s grandmother is lobotomized\[/spoiler\] besides already being afraid of psych treatment in the first place – y’know, it is a very new medicine branch and 50 years ago they were still performing lobotomies for basically anything. 

I went home with the prescription, I told her what I was doing so we’d be in a better place, she was really kind and understood what my points against meds were. 8 months later, things were going way worse and I was really afraid of hurting her, so I swallowed my fears and got the meds. Went back to the psych hospital and they gave me more meds. They really did nothing at all, and I was noticing our relationship falling apart and I didn’t know what to do. She was very supportive of me, but I could see it was wearing on her too. 

I’m ashamed to admit it, but this was when I starting caring more about her staying with me over keeping her safe from the emotional pain I knew I was causing her. I’m from a poor family in a third world country so it was hard for me to save money – but after 2 years, I got enough money to fly and she her. 

&amp;#x200B;

We met, she was even sweeter than I had imagined; she was beautiful and just amazing. A couple days in, I joked to her that now that we were together we could get married, she stopped and told me she didn’t know if she wanted to anymore, and I was sad, but kinda prepared since we did have been having problems, I only said “oh…”, then she said she didn’t feel anything for me, anymore. I was in shock. I knew I was a pain sometimes, but I never thought, especially after meeting her that she’d say something so cold. I started crying. She just looked at me with a blank stare and said the moment I said that, something stopped and even though 5 minutes earlier, she had said “I love you”, she just couldn’t anymore. She got a napkin, dried some of my tears but more kept coming out. She just picked up her stuff and left for a couple of hours (like she had to do every day) and left me there, sobbing. I could barely utter a word. 

When she came back, I was still crying. She asked if I had eaten anything, when I said no, she took me to a food place. On the way there, she said we could still try, see how things pan out. I still cried a lot when she was not with me, but I was happy some of the time we spent together. I started sending her a song related to us, a video message (we were both too shy and had sent videos to each other only like 4 times in 2 and a half years), and a letter, every single day. 

&amp;#x200B;

When I was gonna take my flight back, I told her I could stay there with her, so things could maybe be better together, she refused immediately arguing it wouldn't help and she didn't want that. I had never seen her so heartless, I only knew her as a sweet person. I said okay, and landed in my country a few hours later. 

I started my second semester at school but 6 days later, not even a week after we had last seen each other, she broke up with me – I asked what about us trying to see how things go, she just replied “we tried”. I stopped going to school, I stopped taking my meds. 

   
 

Now, I didn’t want to lose her, so I did everything I could think of to stay together, but nothing worked. It was not only hard to just fucking try and make her happier than ever, but I was devastated on the inside. In that month, between her telling me she doesn’t love me and breaking up with me, I’ve must’ve cried more than I’ve ever done in my life, seriously. It was pain, the most hurtful and tiring pain I could imagine. She kept pushing me aside, taking me out of her life as much as I could. I asked if it made her happier, and she said yes, she was happier that way. Like, fuck, I tried my best and she’s so much better without me? I tried, I tried, until I couldn’t go any further. I wrote a goodbye for her, hoping that I’d be suicidal again after we don’t talk anymore, and she was like “oh, cool”, I asked her if she understood what it meant and she said yes, that I was gonna kill myself – with no care at all. But I couldn’t leave, all I did was for her, all I wanted was to go back with her. I stood there all I could. Until I she had pushed me so far away, I could not see a way I could bring her back. Then I realized, I didn’t really love her anymore – the moment I cared more about being with her than her wellbeing, in that moment I became what my gf was to me, all that begging for her to come back… All that was so wrong. Now I can say I love her. I truly love her and I wish she has the best life possible, because she deserves it. But she wasn't just part of my life, she was my life. She was everything I had, everything that made me happy. And I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not even actively suicidal to fix it that way. I am just lost. Tomorrow I had an appointment at the psych hospital, but I stopped with the meds, and I don’t even want to get fixed anymore, I-I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t even have anyone to talk to. Literally, I could die tomorrow and nobody but my mother would know. I tried reaching out to people but everyone rejects me. Even tried talking to strangers (casual convo, never told anyone of my problems), but Idk, I feel… empty. We stopped talking like a month ago and there’s not a second I don’t think of her, not a day I don’t cry about it, and I’m tired. Just- so very tired.