1st off, I want to apologize for the stereotypical title of this, but it honestly is the only thing I could think to write.  I would also like to add as of now I am not suicidal I just wish for the fact that I never existed.

Let's start off with who I am. I am a 31-year-old  Male who due to financial issues  is forced to live with his mother (I did move out in the past but could barely afford rent). 

Now, I have been trying for years to get a job, and every time I even get close, it fails. For example, just the other day, I had an interview for a company that literally required startup costs, so basically an MLM. It honestly feels like the only people who want me in life are the people who want to literally scam me 

I like to consider myself a very encouraging person because I even post questions like what makes you happy and stuff like that in various groups. I try my best on the daily to literally make people smile. 

The point is what the title of this is that as of late, I've honestly thought the world would be better off without me. For the last few years I have developed a major anxiety disorder to the point of where even trying trying something can trigger it.It's gotten so bad that even the thought of getting into any motorized vehicle gets me honestly shaking even to go to the grocery store. I know it doesn't have to do with the crash at all but but it has to do with the facts in fact one of my biggest fears is losing control of my bodily functions. Now yes I know this sounds insane but the thought of that literally makes me shiver. You could probably find more detail about it in my post history.


I honestly feel like I am a burden to society and that if I were removed , things would get better. 

My depression has even gotten so bad that I really will refuse to eat until something good happens to me. Yes, I know after reading it through that, it sounds stupid but in my brain, that made sense.  Now, I am on medication for depression. My doctor has me on escitalopram and atenolol.  Every time I would go to talk to him to try to get something he you get something he would literally say this is all they could do. 

I'm going to guess this sounds like the crazed rambling of an insane person, and honestly, I honestly do think I'm insane. The only issue is that at the same time, I think I am a gigantic failure in life. But I honestly believe that if I even was to get a job nowadays, I would be fired within a week due to my disability. 

I know this must sound like really disjointed, and honestly, I am writing this through voice to text so I can get everything out. 

I know a lot of people are going to comment that I have to try hard, and all that stuff is stuff, and for that, I have to say that I honestly do. I am on things like LinkedIn and indeed and other job hunting sites on a daily basis, literally looking for anything that I'll take me. 

I know there are people out there who have it worse than me, and for that, I have to say I'm sorry, and I do hope things get better for you. 

As of late financial issues have caused have caused it to literally get worse and worse in my brain. I wouldn't say that I'm suicidal but the thought has crossed my mind. 

So yeah thank you for listening to my stupid brain As I sit here and literally try to ramble off everything that's inside of it.There's probably a lot more that I forgot but I can't think of anything At the moment so I will update it comes.