Was with FP and got jealous in a kind of screaming inside way and was trying to hold myself together. Went bathroom and exploded (figuratively). Went back to what I was doing and sort of thought I felt better, like we all good, but I remembered what I just did and so logically I thought I shouldn’t be convinced of how I was feeling. 

I tend to not notice how I’m feeling until I explode and then it sort of seems sudden when it isn’t—I just stop paying attention. 

I began feeling pressure again in the way I was feeling and reacting, very short, and I remembered that pressure is a build and that I had been beating up on myself throughout the day. 

So then I exhaled because I just noticed I was being tense. And then I reminded myself consciously that I’m feeling some pretty severe or intense emotions so perhaps don’t try to fake happy today. I tend to lose perspective of how I’m feeling fast—severe emotions aren’t anything at all, I think. Then I get off balance quick. 

So today I thought of funerals and solemn moments and tried to respect grief. Like I get shot through the heart quick, maybe irrationally, but it’s worth learning to give due diligence to broken hearts when they break. I think I’m good at invalidating feelings, my own the most, but I think the friends I like best don’t and I want to be a friend more. 

I feel okay now. 