This whole thing doesn't make lots of sense sicne I'm still hopelessly crying because I'm so out of my head. I'm so fucking sick of having 3 moods: depression, rage and manic hope. 

I felt something coming up, it's getting more and more frequent and intense, I cut down stimulants to minimum but I'm still so spaced out. 
Grandma (who is probably the most toxic person in my so called family) called up for lunch. I'm used to her comments and questions but it still feels bad. Every healthy person would get annoyed, but still not get tantrums about it. On the way down the stairs I lost it, purposely threw the dishes on the floor so I destroyed the food and plates, everyone got mad of course, mum rushed and just yelled that I should clean up immediately (I was going to doh) (she doesn't talk much to my grandma/grandpa (her parents), the whole family system is fucked). 

I'm tired of asking for help and getting ignored. 
I want it so much for my mom to come here and ask me what is going on. But she won't, she never does anymore. She never even gave me a real hug in my life. I shouldn't have come home this weekend, but we have pets at home and I love them dearly and I had a false hope to meet with a friend here, but my dark theories just got confirmed and it's not bpd this time. Just didn't want to be alone in my apartment. 
 I'm so tired and ashamed of reaching out and sick of people saying they care but their actions don't match their words in the end. 

I realized all my previous and current issues with substance abuse, anorexia, bulimia and depressive episodes were passive ways to ask for help. I am invisible, I clinge on the bits of my past and ideal self but never really reach them. And I know what is wrong, I don't need to reach deeper right now, I just want to COPE and be seen/loved/cared about in a positive way, but it's unrealistic to expect that but still hurts so damn bad
