When I was 14, I was diagnosed with depression. It was only this year when it was changed to BPD, and honestly no one in my life really understands what BPD is and I feel like I have no one else to talk to.  


Last Thursday, my FP went out with his ex girlfriend because she needed someone to talk to because she was feeling very upset that she and her current partner might be breaking up. In the beginning I couldn't get over how my FP was still best friends with his ex (they only dated for 3 months, but still) and I hurt myself multiple times over that fact because it was just so damn hard for me to digest.

&amp;#x200B;

Anyway he was working a night shift that day, so it was odd to me that he got up so early. He told me that he was going back to sleep and I thought nothing of it. It was only close to his shift starting time that he texted me saying that he felt bad because he had been lying to me and he had actually spent the whole day with his ex. After I read that text message I just couldn't process anything. I switched my phone off and I started crying.   


I didn't know what else to think. All that came to my mind was WHY TF DID HE DO THAT? Is she more important than me? He's okay w sacrificing his sleep to spend time with her to listen to her and console her and then not tell me about it? He said he didn't want to tell me at first cause he knows she's a trigger point for me and he thought that telling me after would've been better? But I just couldn't handle it and I went to the kitchen, took a knife and stabbed myself in my abdomen.  


I got sent to the hospital and underwent surgery. This is my second surgery this year. The previous one was for cuts on my hand that went deeper than expected. Due to COVID, I couldn't have any visitors. Once I got home my FP came over but then he had to leave for work again and now I feel completely empty.  


I feel guilty for getting so worked up. I know he has had a very hard time being with me - he has to constantly think about what he says and what he does so that he doesn't trigger me and I know he didn't do this on purpose also, but I feel like he's going to give up on me soon. I've already been hospitalised 3 months this year, 2 surgeries, visitation limits due to COVID, my constant need for his attention etc. and I keep feeling that he's angry with me even though he says that he is not. I feel like his patience for me is wearing super thin and I'm just afraid that he's going to abandon me at any second.  


I just wish someone would send me flowers and cookies or something. I feel so completely alone, and I wish that I didn't have BPD. Life is just so tough and no one really understand besides you guys :')