[Dog Teeth by Nicole Dollangager](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPXNlJ7bpUo)

CW: Sexual assault, domestic abuse, suicide attempt

TL;DR Abuse story. He is currently facing no reprecussions and sits behind me in class.

I have been diagnosed with BPD amongst some other things. While I do not talk about it explicitly throughout this post, it definitely exacerbates the situtation.

I am currently listening to this song, crying, on the couch where we used to sleep together, where he used to fuck me, where he smashed a sandwhich so hard into my nose it bled everywhere, where he would force me to watch pornography while interrogating me as to why I did not perform like those Japanese girls, where I had to watch endless anime, where he told me repeatedly that he loves me...

Throwaway because I am still afraid of him. As my username suggests, he still sits behind me in my math course. He still is in my life.

I reported him for sexual assault. Not for revenge, but because I did not want him to ruin anyone else's life. The investigator came back and sanctioned him with charges of sexual assualt, domestic violence, and dangerous conduct. He was supposed to have to decide on requesting an appeal or accepting the sanctions within 5 days. It has been 20 days now. He still sits behind me in math. He still plans on taking the final tomorrow. For all I know he walked in graduation yesterday (the ceremony is before finals week due to snow days). Will he really get away without any sort of punishment?

Again, I do not want him to get in trouble to make myself feel better. I just know he will do this to another girl. I know who his next target is. I tried telling the authorities about her and they have not done anything as far as I know.

He was my favorite person for sure. I was obsessed with him since day one. I loved him so much. He hurt me so much.

People ask why I tried to kill myself. I say the stress of college. The true reason? I was giving him a blowjob and he could not maintain an erection. He said I was terrible and to stop. Then he said "I will let you think about that," and left me alone. I thought, "This is it. He is gone for good. I am so worthless I cannot even provide him with pleasure. I am nothing." Why did I think this? Because he brainwashed me into thinking I was only good for my body while also convincing me I was ugly and mentally handicaped. I believed him. Without him I felt I would be nothing and that he was the only person who cared about me and I had nothing else. So, I went to the bathroom and cut my wrists. The doctor said I hit an artery. Fast forward a year, he leaves to study abroad in Japan. I try to kill myself again. It is not as bad as the first time. I drive to the local pharmacy and get bandages then go to class. It was a few weeks after that, that because he was gone and could not drive himself into my brain and body, that I realized how harmful he is. So I kicked him out. Completely legally as he was not there to renew the lease with me. 

It was not until 9 months later I reported him. Now we are here, with me wondering why he is allowed to graduate after breaking the law and after hurting me for so long. We only knew each other for three years, but it felt like an eternal rollercoaster of love and violence.

When I close my eyes I still see him in my face about to hit me. Telling me I am retarded. Making me believe I was incapable of communicating my thoughts so that I would never tell anyone what this wonderful man who everyone loves does behind the locked door he often would not let me walk through.

I really need support right now. I can't study for my final tomorrow because I dread having to see him again and because I dread the fact he is about to graduate, go to Japan, and lead another girl to spiral down into the abyss.