Hi, I don't use reddit a lot but my friends suggested that I find some support group to get some outside perspective. I'm sorry if this isn't in the conventional Reddit style. I will try my best to keep it as coherent as possible.

I'm 26 years old and I've been depressed and hopeless for as long as I can remember. In 2018 I had the worst year of my life and decided that 2019 going forward I was going to devote myself to being a good person (or at the very least a chaotic good person) I started going really hard in therapy, I've let go of a lot of the anger and resentment I once had and I'm genuinely a calmer more level headed person now. In 2019 I met the person who I thought was my soul mate. We were conjoined at the hip, we did absolutely everything together. My experience with her went on to further solidify the idea in my mind that being a good person is just the way to go. I watched her exhibit countless acts of selflessness that I have never seen in another person, so I tried to emulate these behaviors and a lot of it stuck and is still with me. I genuinely thought that all of my hard work had finally bore fruit and my life was really getting on the path to happiness or at least just being content. after two years she left me very suddenly, told me she was unhappy and I couldn't make her happy. That was last year, and only 4 days ago did we finally cut contact permanently. During that year anytime she was single she would come to me for comfort (Physical and emotional) we could lay together, kiss and have sex. I would express to her over and over again that this means more to me then it does her, how it's just setting me up to fall because she doesn't want me like that anymore. But she wouldn't stop and I couldn't bring myself to stop it. Once she got into a relationship (she got into 3 during this year) she would completely stop talking to me, and would return for the physical and emotional support once she got dumped. I tell you this because a lot of the way she handled that situation (Lying manipulation gaslighting) has really left a mark on me and I don't think I will recover honestly. I've been in therapy twice a week every week for over a year and it feels like all the progress I made has been undone. We had started a trail period of dating, just to see where things went this time. She promised me she would take it as seriously as dating and within two weeks she had cheated on me. She made me out to be the bad guy in this and I believe her honestly. I could have been better, I could have tried harder. I know rationally those thoughts aren't ok and there's no reason to blame myself but I can't stop? I'm someone who really values love and honesty above everything. My end goal of life is just to get married and be a good husband. But after the life I've lived, and especially after everything I just told you I don't feel like there is a person out there for me/I'm even worthy of another human being. If I don't feel like I can get the one thing out of life that I want what's the point? Why continue fighting and struggling for a dead end? 

Sorry this was ranting and rambling. I've been stewing on this for awhile. I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore and it feels like it's getting worse everyday. I just want to be happy. I just want to love and be loved.