for context I'm 16 almost 17, and I'm not diagnosed with anything but I know that there's something wrong/different about me. i don't go to the doctor because my parents won't allow it and the only psychiatrist I've ever gone to believed my parents instead of me. my parents are extremely emotionally abusive and don't believe in mental health and that you can just decide to be happy (and you should be happy constantly), which makes things way difficult for me. so therapy isn't an option.

here's a list of things I think I would need help with: i get extreme anxiety when im "relaxing" because I feel like I'm doing something bad and I'm about to get caught. my social anxiety has gotten to the point where going to the grocery store makes me cry and break down in the car. i have severe depression and tried to off myself a couple of months ago (did not succeed obvi and no one knows). I feel stressed constantly. i have ptsd from being groomed and molested as a child which has resulted in any display of intimacy triggering me and making me sick (like kissing irl, friends talking about sex stories or sex scenes in shows) which is annoying because suddenly in high school sex is all everyone ever talks about. plus some other shit, like how I can't look people in the eye and I don't trust adults, especially adult men. and I'm pretty sure I have an eating disorder, just to add onto that.

school starts in two weeks and I dread it because of the noise and the smells and the interactions and the grades. i guess i have two friends but I'll never see them this year, and i can't talk to them about this stuff, not to mention I can't even be myself or share my interests with them. I live in a rural country town so it's unlikely I'll make new friends unless I talk to the underclassmen that think bringing alcohol to school is cool (they only like me cuz they saw me smoking once, big mistake).

my biggest wish is just to be alone, without responsibilities or having to talk to people. but I can't stay in my room and existing overwhelms me and it gets harder and harder to breathe every single day. I can't take it anymore and I don't know what to do. my only coping mechanism is "it doesn't matter" and "stop being a pussy", but I need more than that. I know I only have to hold on a little while longer and then I can move out but it's rlly fucking hard in the meantime.

sorry for the absolute essay lmao but if anyone actually reads this and has suggestions for what could help me please let me know