A while back, I finally felt brave enough to get my second dose of the covid vaccine (I have emetophobia, and was afraid of the nausea/vomiting side effects). I told myself, “I should hydrate properly in preparation,” because I’ve read that may help reduce a strong immune response, and then, in the days following that choice, I proceeded to become TERRIBLE at drinking water. I mostly drink tea nowadays. Haven’t gotten my second dose since there’s no pop-up clinic being set up in my (tiny) hometown), but I know that once a date is set for it, drinking water will go from being Difficult to Downright Impossible. It’s like there’s a mental block in my mind preventing me from doing so…

Another example: work. I’m a casual worker in my hometown’s grocery store, and I took a short break after I got an anxiety attack a few hours into my shift. Once I recovered from the few days’ anxiety episode, I told myself, “I want to go back to work eventually so I can save money,” because a friend and I have plans to take a trip to the nearby city, and I want to meet up with a close internet friend of mine who I’ve known for a few years now.

Guess what? I haven’t gone back!!! It’s so hard. With every day that passed with me not going, I got more and more morose, until I woke up one day and nothing felt *right*, like I was on the edge of something. I could not relax. I could barely eat. The morning afterwards I realized that it was going to be a horrible day if I didn’t *think thoroughly* about what was stressing me out, so I did: I realized I was thinking too much about work, too much about the trip, and placing *way* too much pressure on myself to conform to my own set-upon standards. 

I eventually assured myself (with help from my Mom) that I didn’t have to force myself to do things if I didn’t feel ready. *And that helped so much*. Seriously, I cannot believe how effective it was. I felt like a tentative version of my usual anxiety-free self. Turns out repressing your worries is a pretty shitty way of coping.

So I gradually stopped putting pressure on myself, telling myself, *you don’t have to if you’re not ready*, and I realized - I *do* want to do things again. I want to get my second dose, so I can go to city and get fucking slutty with my friends!!! But I’m still struggling with hydration, and the thought of working again exhausts me, and my anxiety hangover’s clinging to me; I’ve had a couple attacks this past week, which I’ve dealt with varying degrees of success. 

I’m still a bit scared, and I don’t know how to take that first step. Because of this, I think I’m starting to develop anxiety about my anxiety, which is like - if I make myself do this too soon, then what if I get an anxiety attack? And then that makes me less likely to try again in the future? It’s already hard, so if it gets worse, then… rinse and repeat.

I know this post may not gain much traction, but it helped typing it all down. Thanks to whoever reads, though. :)