I never really had a happy childhood. My parents never really gave me the attention i might have needed and never really cared. I got bullied in school through grades 1-8 and had such toxic relationships in my live. First contemplated suicide at age 13 and never had anything going for me at any point. My ex was so distant, toxic and absent and i all blamed it on myself for not being what everyone wanted me to be. At age 17 i had my worst wave of depression and even almost commited suicide in the hopes it would finally be over. Now with 19 i am still plagued with frequent flashbacks of all the hatred that came my way. 

Now i always get these waves of depression and "euphoria" for the lack of a better word and it really causes me much trouble in my relationships and in school. At this point i am just lost and i don't know what i should do. I am afraid of going to a psychiatrist in fear my friends would say i am crazy or something. I just want some help, but dont really know how to get it.