Lately everything has been going downhill, parents divorced, mom keeps beating me up a lot, and I don't want to leave her and go to dad– after all she's my mom? I don't want to leave her alone, but I'm tired of pretending it's okay, what she does, how she treats me, how she makes me feel. Guilt tripping and gaslighting me, I'm just so tired.
one time I told her that I'm close to ending it all and the only reason im hold myself together is so I don't leave her alone, but she said she hoped I was dead.
I started self harming a while ago, sometimes i overdose on sleeping pills, hoping I sleep and never wake up. She won't care about me. She doesn't.
I'm honestly so tired of this, I'm scared if she catches me selfharming or about to kill myself she might send me to like a mental hospital because – acording to her– that's where "those" people belong.
I want to go live with dad, but a part of me is attached to her. She is my mom after all.
I'm planning on writing a goodbye letter, to my friends, an apology letter for not being good enough, to her. A goodbye letter for dad. Tell him how much I miss him and want to be with him, how much I'm sorry for disappointing him and going with mom.
But I'm too scared to end it. I can't even go to therapy, as soon as I bring up mental health stuff she starts talking about how unstable people belong in a ward, tied up and stuff.
I would really appreciate advice, I'm at a very low point if I came here to vent on reddit.