I can't leave here. I may be 18, but I can't move away. 

I want to join my girlfriend to be ok, but that damn investigation leaves me in fear. I don't want to get blamed for something that I didn't do. Yet I don't want her to lose love for me because of my isolation. 

Not that it's any safer here... I was physically assaulted the other day, and now I fear that the next time it'll happen, I'll get seriously injured. I should have taken the hint years ago when he hit his own daughter, and she disappeared. But I guess I'm just ignorant. And I can't just report it either. It's probably too late and I'll feel guilty bc we would lose the house we are in now. But I don't feel safe. I recently got a rubber bullet revolver for home security, along with a axe/throwing axe. I figured it would help me sleep better at night knowing I could be safe if anyone entered the house 

Never did I think I would have to worry about the people that live in this house. And all I get to do is try to sit it out. And just wait around for something to change. Something to give me a place of comfort and peace. And the only place I can see that being is my gf's. And I can't go live with her. 

That damn investigation. Getting herself scammed with my information, and I didn't even know exactly what to look out for. Or let alone it was gonna happen. Getting brought in for investigation was traumatic enough, but now I can't see her. She tried suicide multiple times, which only makes me feel guilty for not stopping something I didn't know about. 

And I have no other family I can just go to. I have no family on my fathers side because he told everyone that it was my fault. I can't go to any family on my moms side bc half of them use stuff that can cause me seizures. And the other half would probably just try to return me to my mom.

And even if I tried to stay with my gf, my mom said she'd sue me for all of the child support stuff. And all the lawyer things from child support and the fucking investigation. 

So I'm stuck. I can't go anywhere, I can't see anyone. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought about just buying a train or plane ticket to go somewhere far away and never be seen again. But I don't want to abandon my gf. Yet I can't see her. So I guess.... I just have to stick it out. Maybe I can see her one day. 

I'm so sick of cops being used against me or to threaten me. I'm so tired of it. I'm just tired in general. My body is failing because of my stress... I'm in constant fear of my well being. And work is my only safe space right now.

And on top of that, my mother goes through all my stuff. So I can't even keep my own privacy. So fuck me I guess. 

I just want to live in peace. Why can't anyone let me do that? I'm scared to talk to the cops running the investigation, cause then they might think I did something, or that I am guilty of the thing I didn't do. I fucking hate this fear. Please let it end.