In the last year I have been diagnosed with BPD, but psychiatrist has offered not much support just pretty much diagnosis. I feel BPD is getting into my relationship and wants to kill it, I think it’s BPD but I still am trying to figure it out. I just know I wish I wasn’t like the below. I seemed more cool in my past relationship and chilled then they cheated on me after 4 years.

My current relationship I’ve been with him for 2 years, He has never had it easy as prior to dating very hot and cold. Then eventually fell for him. I remember him being the first to say he loved me, the first to ask me out and I kept rejecting saying it was too soon. Pushing him away basically but we still kept seeing each other and he kept making out like he loved me. We spent the whole of Christmas together then whilst in bed, some girl was messaging him. I asked who it was? He went “it’s a friend of my sisters” right away I’m like why is he texting a friend of his sisters, would it not be his friend too. Eventually found out it was a girl that he spoke to from dating site too. This to me caused upset because from the get go, I was slow to fall and made it clear wasn’t ready yet he was making out like he loved me so for that. It really got to me. Eventually we got through it, then one night at the hotel he was acting odd with his phone I asked to see and eventually found photos of girls, from the past luckily. Photos with other girls and he told me he isn’t good with girls and all that. This to me was upsetting that he hadn’t deleted, I then had asked him in past if he had everyone deleted from SnapChat from past dating to then later find he had kept some girl from America he hadn’t spoke to for years. I couldn’t understand why, but there as past photos/ chat still coming up but he said he never looked at that. I quizzed and quizzed and he stuck to that. Eventually got over that.

Ever since when I go through really bad spells. I will ask to see his phone, I feel guilty. It’s not healthy. It’s not me being controlling. It’s me scared of the past relationship and from what has happened previously. It’s me trying to get reassurance.
My boyfriend gets annoyed at this and goes “it’s two years together why would I do this?” 
I’ve never found anything else.

Lately when he’s friendly with other girls, I immediately think he’s going to leave or cheat on me. That’s not healthy but I then accuse him and quiz him, “will you cheat?” Will you ever hurt me? Would you ever etc etc. And I get very upset or angry if he does give attention. This wasn’t me in the last relationship, I wish I could stop. People would say, leave or don’t do it. It’s this it’s that, but the hurt😔

It’s now 2 years into the relationship. Lately COVID I felt frustrated that he wasn’t as huggy, never picked up when I needed extra care. The falling asleep whilst I was at a&amp;e, I suppose he had work but I felt so isolated and only know him when I’m through at his 2hrs away. I felt isolated, that when I said I was at a&amp;e in his hometown/city he told me he was busy at work (big boss was in) but I felt upset that before going to a&amp;e he never hugged me. Even though a&amp;e thing was minor. 
Lately we then went to a party and his sisters made no effort, I was chatting away and they seemed so disinterested. I told him he went “he can’t control what his sisters do” then after being led to believe and he knows I’m not keen on drugs, he accidentally told me how he had done coke at Christmas. Which I never knew, he always made out this was long ago. I’m more upset that it was kept after opportunities. I asked why he didn’t tell me for him to say “he knew it would upset me” and that made me feel upset, because if he knew it would upset and that he only does occasional line…I felt gutted. Had a major argument about a&amp;e, coke thing and now told him I need a break, I just worry because when things are good with my boyfriend they’re really good. He doesn’t treat me bad and we do lots together. But lately I’ve just felt :(( what would you do? 
I feel I need some help for trust issues but who even helps when NHS…can’t due to demand and group approaches