I'm 26 (m/US), today I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I came home, laughed it off, and wasted the day away with drugs and Netflix. But for some reason everything clicked. My psychiatrist is right, I don't have any sense of self worth... I judge myself based on who likes me, the status of the people who like me, how much they like me, how much money do I make, how many awards I have, etc.

I'm sitting here on my bed, alone for the 9th year in a row. Although I have had many girlfriends throughout my K-12 years and romantic interests recently, I've never kissed a woman or been intimate with anyone. No tinder/grinder/bumble/anything. At the time I only dated people who asked me out and in all honesty I was an asshole by leading them on. Whenever they would try to kiss me I would reject them because I wasn't entirely sure that I liked them enough. Eventually I drove them away and would fall head over heels for another girl, which would soon reject me.

I work with female artists quite a bit and have a few close platonic female friends. I'm saying all of this because I was recently rejected by one of my best friends, who I have strong emotions towards, which didn't hurt at the time but, seeing her Instagram pictures is absolutely devastating. I'm a very odd person, sex is a very touchy subject for me and anything sexual brings upon a massive rush of judgement and shame. When I seen her IG posts I wanted to get on my bike and speed to my death. Money doesn't make me feel better, I just feel more room for depression to fill me. The men in my life tell me to just suck it up, get a "lay" off Tinder and make more money.

I've lived with BPD for so long, you can't explain to someone why you had to quit a lucrative position because part of the position is being rejected so often. You can't explain to someone that being rejected by a stranger is emotionally akin to being shot by your best friend, that if you were rejected by someone you didn't even know, your entire month is gone. That when someone you like gives you attention, you are pulled to mimic their behavior and become forever entangled with their life at any cost.

I'm in so much pain from not having external validation that I'm a worthy significant other. I'm not physically or verbally abusive, maybe emotional as I can get very depressed and say I want to harm myself, but never any ultimatums or trying to manipulate them. I've had attractive women want to date me, but I don't know how to speak their language per say, i'm a serious business and stats guy with a dichotomous BPD brain. I feel like I'm less than other guys. I know I need to cultivate self-worth and foster unconditional love in myself to help this, but I don't know where to begin. I feel so hurt, I want to quit my job, move out of the country, and ghost everyone.

I'm sorry for this long post. **TLDR:** I was rejected by currently a good friend of mine and I feel exceptionally lonely, I don't know what to do.