
I’m writing here because I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like so many things are wrong with me but I don’t even know what it could be or how to start figuring that out. Could anyone please read and direct me in any direction of finding out what is possibly wrong

So to start with, I’m really impulsive for example I always argue with my managers at work and get sent home and I’ve even quit on the spot many times before, I don’t think before I speak or act it just feels like it happens and I’m just watching. I also get impulsive in the sense that If I want to do something I need to do it right then and I don’t think that through, for example I saw a job sign and wanted to go and ask about it but my boyfriend drove past and I started crying uncontrollably because I felt like I HAD to go ask there and then otherwise it would be gone, this felt silly afterwards. This is similar in personal relationships, in arguments I always get tunnel vision and I find it hard to see things in a balanced way for example if my boyfriend does something that hurts me I find it impossible to understand that he still loves me in that moment and it just feels like he’s a bad person etc but when everything is good I find it hard to think that he could do anything wrong 

Leading on from that I’m really sensitive and cry almost every day over small things because everything seems to overwhelm me for example if I can’t find something in my room or if everything is too messy which it usually is. I’m also sensitive in relationship for example I always question whether people love me and think I’ll end up alone which makes me act crazy.

 I go through a lot of intense mood swings every day. For example I can go from laughing to being really angry and sometimes even feel suicidal for a few moments and then it all seems silly because I feel fine after. On top of the changes during the day, there’s some bigger swings between different days and weeks, I either feel like I’m doing absolutely nothing and I wake up in the afternoon and stay in bed or I try to do everything perfectly and wake up at 5am and workout and eat healthy, I feel like there’s no in between. This is frustrating because I can’t seem to allow myself find a balance, for example if I’m trying to be productive and good and I allow myself to have something unhealthy or dont strictly stick to my routine I immediately switch and become a complete slob again at least for that whole day.

I feel like I don’t know who I am sometimes, I don’t know what my personality is and I feel like I just adjust it based on who I’m with but other than that I just feel like I’m blank.

I also feel like I can’t seem to maintain many close relationships because the thought of communicating with people every day or doing small things like texting overwhelms me so I end up ignoring them for weeks and then feeling guilty and even worse because I feel lonely. 

Every day life just seems too much and I don’t understand why because I try to get organised and I make lists of what I should do but I never seem to finish and I can’t really stay focused, because of this I leave all my uni assignments until last minute, even though I always complete them and do well in the end the habit of leaving it so late makes me feel constantly stressed. Even though I can’t get anything done it feels like I’m always doing something but nothing ever gets done which is frustrating because I don’t feel like I ever relax but I’m not getting anything done either. 

I’m sorry for this rant I just don’t know where to start and my GP keeps dismissing me and it’s especially hard to get an appointment now