I've been holding this all off. I stopped lying to my frustrated shrink, and he suddenly became the best damn doc. Seems like when you're bonko insano it's obvious to your doctor and all that.

Now I have this pile of medication. 

I'm terrified of taking these meds. I've been holding off these specific ones for years, and now I'm hoping they work. But if they work, it's an acceptance of how I haven't worked. 

Though if you make a clown's wage it's pretty hard supporting the whole circus, but it's still so scary.