A conversation with a friend today made me realise that I.. don’t have my own personality. If someone was to ask me who I am I really have no idea and I just feel like a grey rock. I feel like I am consistently in chameleon mode and that as a whole I am a culmination of all the socially accepted personality traits I have learnt - and I pick and apply the most appealing ones to different people, I take on the mannerisms, behaviors, and even the beliefs and values of whatever company I am keeping at the time. 

I change myself drastically in each interaction to the person /people I’m talking to appear appealing. The quicker I ask questions and the more I find out the more I can establish what version of myself is needed, simply because being alone is so often intolerable, I grasp at whatever straws I can to feel included

It feels really… empty when I know that I am so afraid of rejection or loneliness that I have gotten extremely good at accomodating the needs of others rapidly so as to not feel like I am insufferable