I'm going to get this part out quick. Like ripping off a bandaid. On Valentines Day this year, I was raped by my long term partners best friend. I freaked out and went ISO literally any male body I could claim as a way to find my power again. This was a problem for my partner because despite actively working towards polyamory, he "wasn't there yet" with me and men. Even though he had already been involved with other women "because I forced him to". 

Cut to today. I had joined a platonic friends app at his suggestion because most of my existing friendships went down in flames during my Tour du Dick for one reason or another. He asked me if I had talked to any men and when I said yes, on an app that is literally designed for purely platonic connection, I had messaged a few men. He got upset and said he wasn't comfortable with that and that we weren't "at that point in rebuilding trust" for me to interact with men. 

Which leaves me here on some arbitrary timeline to wellness and trust. I have tasks to do (Idk what they are) and certain goal lengths of time to meet before he can trust me again. That sort of makes sense but at the same time I feel like he is holding my disorders against me as a way to hold me in check. I have maintained that I will never be in a monogamous relationship ever again and he just says eventually after I prove we have an established foundation of trust. My instinct of course is this is bullshit and unfair but we are taught to try and ignore fair/unfair judgements. 

So now I'm left in limbo, even when I think I'm doing things right, I'm not. I don't know how much of these feelings are BPD and how much of them are actual righteous feelings at the situation. This was wordy and ridiculous. Thanks if you made it this far. 