I don't know why I never seem to remember that all yoga does is aggravate me. Relaxing my ass. It's uncomfortable and frustrating and makes me want to break something. 

Then I tried pilates. Same difference. And the way they make it look so easy makes it that much worse. I never want to do yoga or anything ever again. 

But the day is still young. Maybe I'll read. Every book I pick up makes me go, "who gives a shit?" I have no patience for books. I used to love to read. It was the one thing I had any passion for. But now I've managed to read like 10 books in the last 5 years and I honestly doubt I'll ever be able to get through another one.  

Then I sat on my bed in silence thinking about whether suicide is logically the best thing for me. What a great way to spend the weekend and what little is left of my youth. This is one big charade. I live in a city full of things to do and even a ton of things to do at home. But I have the interest and energy for nothing. Maybe I'll at least listen to some music... no, don't feel like anything. I am a waste of life and I only have the rest of my life to keep suffering through this nothingness. 

Now I'm trying to work up the nerve to go check the mail but that's a whole big to-do. It's easier to do nothing. 

I exercised and showered this morning and felt like the day got off to such a good start but it was so short-lived. Maybe I'll just watch TV and drink beer until bedtime every day after work for the rest of my life to keep from killing myself. What's the difference? Plenty of people live like that or worse. I should stop thinking anything is going to change and I'll be the type of person who has anything to look forward to because it'll never happen. How, magically? Trying to find something more is fucking futile. 

Thanks for listening and I hope your weekend is going better than mine. 