Unwanted pregnancy has to be one of my biggest fears. I was a mistake handed off to my grandmother, who from a young age instilled this fear into me so I wouldn't end up like my mother. 

Sex is no longer enjoyable for me, because afterwards I'm constantly counting the days to my period. I avoid penetration-- even with condoms because I don't want to take the risk. Even then, I think of the what-ifs. Short incrucial in the shower, or with underwear on should not be a big concern, but my periods are always inconsistent and I just can't stop worrying about it. Pregnancy tests are expensive too, and one time I got a false positive that was the start of a extremely stressful week that led to an anxiety flare up that's still affecting me now. 

I can't start birth control right now, but I don't think I'd even feel safe on that. I'm in a LDR, we're closing the gap in a couple of months. A part of me dreads it, knowing that pregnacy scares will become more common. The Rowe wade thing is also driving me crazy too, because now I feel like I've lost even more control. Every time I scroll past news about it I feel like I take mental damage. I don't feel safe or in control. I'm in Arizona, probably moving to Alabama.  literally fml. Why does it have to be like this?

I threw up my dinner last night, and I've been constantly hungry. I'm pretty sure it's stress and overeating but I keep telling myself "what if I'm pregnant". It's very unlikely I'm pregnant. I don't want to have to drop 30~50 bucks tests every time I feel this way. I might get a false positive again and freak out too. I'm terrified of finding out I'm pregnant at like 6 weeks and not being able to get an abortion, having something I don't want in me, setting me back in life, and being responsible for raising a whole person when I'm not prepared to, fucking that person up too.

Tdlr: I'm always worried about pregnacy when I shouldn't be (I think). Is this anxiety or normal and has anybody else experienced this.