Title pretty much. Things are often going wrong for me, but when I triumph over my struggles and I feel like a seriously life changing event is coming -- in a good way -- it feels almost theatrical. There are certain piece of music that evoke this feeling perfectly, namely "[**13 Ghosts II**](https://soundcloud.com/nineinchnails/13-ghosts-ii)" by Trent Reznor &amp; Atticus Ross (a lot of their music does this for me, especially [**this song**](https://soundcloud.com/gonegirlsoundtrack/background-noise) from the Gone Girl soundtrack). I would consider this a dissociative symptom, but a good one. I feel like I am watching someone experience a subtle, but significant moment in their life, but the character is actually me. It's both strange and strangely comforting.

I feel like I finally experienced a significant moment of peace and catharsis from watching someone else's perspective, if that makes any sense. It's more like I just experienced a character in a movie I'm heavily invested in achieve something personally significant. Not dramatically significant like winning the lottery, but something objectively less significant like finding personal peace in finally being able to move to the only place that truly makes them happy. The movie you're watching, like I said, is one you're heavily invested in. Not just the story, but the characters and especially the the protagonist. You empathize with their experiences on a deep level mainly because you *are* the protagonist.

I know I probably sound crazy right now lmao, but hear me out -- I cannot be the only person who's experienced this before. I have experienced this before, generally in situations like the one I'm in now. I don't know if this is self-awareness getting the better of me (I hate acknowledging self-awareness to other people because it reminds me of just how much I have to learn about myself, so appreciate this treat lmao) or just a positive byproduct of BPD's dissociative symptoms. Either way, I really appreciate these moments. They feel serene and fills me with a subtle sense of motivation and accomplishment.

In these moments, I want the protagonist to achieve success. This is juxtaposed by me not feeling like I deserve success a lot of the time. It's so strange. I honestly feel like I'm talking out of my ass at this point lmao. To me, dissociative symptoms haven't always held negative connotations. Most of the time they are a response to stress or triggers, but sometimes they're a response to "anti-trauma." Anti-trauma is kind of something I thought of when you feel whatever the opposite of trauma is. I don't really know how to explain this feeling, but I will try.

Trauma is the apex of being uncomfortable, scared, depressed, stressed, etc. It is the worst outcome of a bad situation. You experience anxiety, dissociation, feelings of impending doom, derealization, amnesia, and extreme discomfort. It is something that lives with you for the rest of your life that takes great effort to deal with. Trauma can also be very subtle. It doesn't necessarily have to be the worst thing that ever happened to you. It doesn't have to shake up the rest of your life, but it does at least have to shake it up in the short term.

Anti-trauma, to me, is the antithesis of that feeling. When something is so good that it offsets trauma. A situation where you know past scars won't impede your journey to happiness, if that makes any sense. A situation that motivates you and makes you confident that you will find peace. It's a situation that is inherently comforting, peaceful, calming, and sometimes euphoric. However, at least for me, dissociation can still be present. However, instead of looking at your situation through the lens of -- let's say -- a horror movie, it's through the lens of a story like Mid90s (themes of triumph, acceptance, peace, empathy, growth, and maturity). Your'e looking at yourself and your situation from an outside perspective with positive reflection, motivation, and optimism instead of fear, guilt, and pessimism.

I really hope my rambling made sense. It was incredibly hard to put this feeling into words, but I feel like some might relate. I talked about this with two of my close friends with BPD and they both claimed to have felt this a few times in their lives, typically around young adulthood. From what I've heard from 3 or so of my close friends without BPD, they could never pin down a moment where they felt this. For all I know, this could be very normal and I'm just blowing it way out of proportion like I do with *literally* everything in my life \^\^

I hope I did explain it well enough to understand, I would hate for this to be even less clear-cut than it already isn't lmao. I love you all, stay safe &lt;3 \^\^