First ever post.
Long time lurker.

I've been told I vent too much to other people so I figured I would try here I guess. 


Start with my background I guess? 
I've gone through numerous diagnoses my whole life and finally around 22 I got one that made since BPD, severe depression and  anxiety. I've attempted suicide multiple times throughout my life and went through multiple mental health unit stays. 3 years agoish I ran away to the other side of the country to experience a new life. Up rooted myself from everything I knew when for the first time ever I felt stable. Lasted 6 months before coming back home. I went with my best friend and we came back lovers that relationship ended after 3 years. 

He dumped me in February after that for the first time I moved into my own apartment no roommates just me and my cat and I haven't felt so alone. I can't keep a friend and I've gone through 2 jobs. Lost my health insurance and the best counselor I ever had left her practice. I have been unmedicated for almost 4 months now. I make too much to be on state insurance and too little to afford insurance or my medication. I developed this huge crush on someone and I thought something was going to come of it and he dropped me like nothing came back a month or 2 later and just pushed me aside again for someone else. Even though he told me he doesn't want to get serious with anyone and can't commit.

I'm so sick of feeling like a bother and not good enough to keep anyone in my life romantically or otherwise. I keep getting taken advantage of. My ex  used me for money and won't pay me back or speak to me now that he owes me something. The crush says he wants me as a friend but is too busy with the girl he's dating to make plans with me. All of my other friends only want to do stuff that cost money which I don't have and I'm too depressed to even have the energy to go out even if I did have the money. Even when I do get the chance to go out I'm just panicking about looking stupid and worrying about what people think of me to the point I can't even speak if I do speak I spend the next hour over analyzing people's reactions to it. I have no support system except for my grandmother who constantly makes me feel guilty.

I can't see the point on even trying anymore. I'm not going  to kill myself but I wouldn't mind if something happened resulting in my death at this point. Seriously we live this stressful life trying to make money to pay bills and rent just to die and get buried 6 feet under and forgotten about. I'm just so sick of everything.  

TL:DR
Everything sucks and I don't know what the point in all this is.



