Hi. My name is *****.

I am ** years old. And I have never been officially diagnosed with anything.

But I have a mental illness. No one normal thinks like me.

1. I repress everything.
2. I do absolutely nothing in school. I have straight F's.
3. I hate my body. None of my thoughts even slightly represent in my face structure or features. I have a soft jaw, a button nose, a large forehead, and small lips. I am normal looking. By no means disgusting. But not pretty. Yet I am a total dick, and deeply analytical and dark and mysterious and hurt and manly in my personality.
4. I go into euphoric state of self hate and try to convince everyone and anyone that I hate them and I wish they would die. And then I wake up and vomit in regret. And its put a large strain on everyone around me. To deal with me. Which makes it even worse, to know im such a burden.
5. I tried cutting. I only did it because I wanted the attention. Which is the shittiest thing I've ever done. I started being defiant and breaking rules. I went from never having a C to F's and pushing people and screaming at my parents.
6. My dad is a alcoholic. You never know if hes sober or not. My dads worse than I am. I caught him choking my brother one time as he cried. I pushed him and I got the bad end of the stick. He would never hurt my mom. But my brother is fucking insane. Two months ago he offered to have sex with me. I puked three times in the bathroom after saying no and excusing myself. I hate my brother and dad worse than anyone.
7. My mom is so sweet. I feel bad for her.
8. I often contemplate running away.
9. I get so deep in thinking sometimes. And sometimes my chest hurts.
10. Im afraid to open up. I feel emotionless sometimes. I have no motivation to do anything.
11. I don't want to die. I want to not live.
12. I don't want heaven. I don't want hell. I don't want living. I want non-excisting I am sick of this body. I am sick of this past. I want new.




What is wrong with me?


Please.