I went on a first date last night with a guy I've been talking to for a week. 

In my first message to him (he messaged first) I told him he seems like someone I would fall for easily, and I'm struggling with some mental health things, and he should run. His response was to calmly say he's not concerned about anything, he just wants to talk. Over the last week I've given him plenty more red flags. He just kind of... acknowledges what I'm saying and continues to show up calmly. 

The date was... not bad. He picked me up, his car was filthy (gross. This is the worst part of the whole thing) but we went to a nice dinner and then drove around a bit before he dropped me at home. He's... different looking than I thought, not a huge deal but... a thought I get stuck on. 

Anyway. He's a super calm, laid back, genuinely nice dude. I was a fucking nutcase. Hyper. Full of sarcastic jokes and dumb stories. 

He brought up a few things that normally make me lose my crap. He mentioned exes a few times. Explained this whole story about how he hurt his knee on the day he and his last ex finished moving into their apartment together. I had twinges of jealousy but nothing like I normally do. 

Does that mean that I'm not into him? Or is it a good thing that I'm not reacting to triggers? Maybe I just need more time to get to know him before I start reacting...

After he dropped me off, I sent him a thank you text and said I'd like to see him again. Then he sent me... "I had fun. You're cute, definitely a worrier, but I enjoyed getting to know you."

I feel so. Fucking weird?

Like I can't form a concrete feeling about this guy. I can't tell if he's into me or not, so I guess I can't tell myself how to feel about him. I can't tell if he's ignoring my previous mentions of my mental stuff by calling me a worrier? Or trying to smooth it over? I feel like he's never dated anyone this kind of messed up. Or maybe he really is just... so chilled out nothing bothers him? 

I don't even know if I like him! The way he looks or the way I think he parents his kid or the fact his car is gross? But. 

He's so... coooool. 

I want him to like me. I want to like him. I have this thought that maybe he's like... a rock. I've called him solid. I feel like that is probably good for me. Like I can see us being good for each other. I need someone to take their time with me and force me to do the same. I fall so hard and fast and they always do too. It's a disaster. 

If our forced slowness allows me to manage my ... trigger responses in a better way, shouldn't I give it a chance? 

I just feel... impatient. I wanna bang. 

I'm all over the place. 

Chill out lady.