i'm a 19 year old, semi attractive looking male with two jobs and a dream. I live with my grandparents, so i don't have any bills to pay, and things are getting better. They WERE getting better. The problem is i constantly have non suicidal intrusive thoughts where my head just gets pounded by mistakes, scars, and failures of the past. The worst ones are about my ex girlfriend and how she used to control and verbally abuse me. I was part of the problem, too, because we enabled each other. Now i dont even have the strength to talk to her. Shes not my friend anymore. 

Then there was my old friend from elementary school. We were "dating" on and off, but i used to just trauma dump on her all the time and she got tired of it. She got convinced that i would never change.  She had the most patience out of all my friends. I don't think she's my friend anymore.

Then there's a girl i used to like, but she didn't feel the same, so we just became friends. She was my best friend who was like me in a few ways. But whenever i tried to trauma dump on her, she went radio silent. Shes busy with school and doesn't have time to deal with me anymore. She wants to be my friend, but I'd rather not have her deal with me. I have nothing positive to say.

Those were my only 3 real friends. I have other people in my life, but they either weren't good friends, don't really care about me, or aren't physically here. I was the main reason why i'm in this state, but i can't forgive myself for my mistakes. I just feel empty. I haven't felt true happiness since i was a child. I honestly hate being an adult and my life hasn't even started yet