Was on and off with a guy who is 11 years older than me for a year. He became my FP, but constantly triggered me because he made me believe we could be something in the future but would never put in the effort to make it happen, making me feel worthless and used.

I had a horrible depressive episode in July and suddenly he was nowhere to be seen for a month. He came back, though, in August.

We talked on the phone for an hour. I explained to him how he had made me feel horrible in the simplest terms imaginable. He called the next morning but it was a bit awkward because I was groggy. 4 days went by and he didn’t call. I called twice but he didn’t answer.

I saw red and split because I felt like he went out of his way to reach out to me just to torture me. I sent him a message calling him creepy, a predator, and a pathological lying fuck. I purposely eviscerated any chance of him wanting to come back.

It’s been a month and I’ve never been more suicidal. He’s been the only solid person in my life. He is the one deep relationship I have/had. He sucks in so many ways but I’ve been thinking your friends are just your friends sometimes, not everyone can be a 5 star person. I know I’m not. I’m so back and forth in my mind on whether or not I should try calling him to apologize. But how could he forgive me after I was so vicious? I’m distraught and lost