It’s like I have this body, but I don’t really realize or understand who it is that I really am? I’m basically a stranger to themselves all the time. 

This world and reality is insane to me sometimes, like how a “simple” thing as grass continues to be and progress for millions of years and it’s still the same thing, unbothered.

Then, there’s the concept of life and the after. Suicide? Death? What’s the end for me? All this time has passed for me to get here. For what reason? Maybe no reason at all. Should I be gone, nothing will change and you all will continue. I’m not sure what I really think about that. 

I sit and think, maybe I’ll change. Graduate, explore, meet people, find someone to marry, to live with and love until death breaks us apart. Then I realize, maybe that’s not for me. I constantly think about suicide and fantasize about it for countless hours and my god sometimes it’s so beautiful I can’t help but feel joy and smile as I contemplate a plan and how things would unfold.

Everyone would see it and have no idea, the sad part is I’ll be nothing more than a lifeless rotting corpse who can’t witness the aftermath which is a big deal of my fantasy. 

I’m not sure, but you take care if you’ve read this far.