 I started taking BPD tests and all are on the higher scale for having severe BPD

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I had another meltdown yesterday and this year has done a number on me mentally and emotionally. I am 45 now and was on ADHD meds for 3.5 years. and then 2020 hit and it felt like the meds were not working. I got a MMJ card and started using cannabis for the first time in my life. I had surreal moments and thought I was getting better but then George Floyd died and I spiraled into a deep depression. I am considered white but technically a mutt. My dominate gene is Cherokee from both parents who divorced when I was 13.

I went to a shrink who took me off Adderall, upped my dose of Lexapro and Buspar back in August. Two weeks later I had a disassociate fugue which was point blank a paranoid delusional episode where I thought god was talking to me through the TV and telling me to kill myself. I never attempted to and told the voices in my head to fuck off. I thought my dad was conspiring to kill me. It was bad. I remember everything too. I told the shrink this and he made it like it was my fault which make me sink even further. Even the therapist I have been talking to made me feel like my feelings didn't count. It really did a number on me and my thoughts on western medicine.

I ended up off work for 3 months with FMLA so I was still getting paid. During that time, I got off my meds and felt like a new person. I was doing great, seeing how beautiful the world was and everything while I was home. Listing to more music and going for walks. Talking with some family on my moms side to get back in contact. I was starving for any sort of emotional connection since the world was in "lockdown".

However it was hell tying to come back to work and I felt like I was getting objectified or quite simply a "cog in the machine" so to speak. I felt misunderstood. Prior to all of this I thought I was living a pretty standard life until I saw the world we live in for what it is and it makes my heart hurt. In the time I was home, I did a lot of soul searching and trying to discover who I am in this world and trying to "fit in". I think I was doing my own form of CBT and music therapy. I never knew these to be a thing either until I was doing my own form of self-diagnosis and trying to discovery my identity and/or character.

Like I said, I am 45 male living in the US. I didn't have the greatest childhood, got bullied, dad really wasn't in my life so my mother raised me and my sister. He never played catch with me, I remember teaching myself to ride a bike alone. I don't even remember him going to any of my high school games. I was not considered "popular" in school. I was more associated with people from each group. Never went to prom or any dances. First time I drove a car was in drivers ED. I knew of lots of girls that liked me but I never acted on it because I afraid. Even looking back, I was so blind to it. Girls saying they noticed me or just being nice. Looking back now as an adult, they were flirting with me but I was scared to make a move. I was afraid of rejection and wonder if that was because of my feeling of being rejected by my dad?

Even though my dad would go and do stuff with my younger sister. They still have a relationship to this day. Oh and my father is also prejudice and recently found out my sister is as well. They don't feel white privilege exists. Its also why I never wanted to have kids. I felt I was so fucked up from my childhood, I didn't want to bring a child into this world in fears I will just fuck it up the way I was treated.

I had a great uncle who was my male role model growing up and was more like a father than my own biological dad. I remember going to see my uncle when I was 7 with my aunt. We were taking his lunch to him. A couple hours later he ended up passing away at work so it was like losing my dad twice.

I was in the USAF when I was 21 and joined because I always wanted to. Plus my uncle was in the USAF as well during the Korean war. Most get home sick but I felt home now. I had a couple seizures so I was medically discharged at 24. I did have migraines as a kid but they never figured out why. I just grew out of it but makes me wonder if that is what they were.

While serving in the USAF there were rumor and I was asked point blank by a female airman if I was "racist against white people?". I was with a black friend of mine at the time and it destroyed me inside but I just looked at my friend, looked back and her and laughed right in her face. There were also untrue rumors that I steal guys girlfriends and sleep with them.

I also started having sleep paralysis in my teens and still do but cant remember the last time I did. It was either 2020 or 2019 that I remember the last episode but I know what it is so I didn't worry to much about it.

I got married when I was 30 but divorced at 35. I started training in Brazilin Jujitsu when I was 33 and kept at it. It did wonders for my confidence but I still had self doubts that I was not aware of. Keep in mind this was all before I was on any sort of medication. I ended up having to quit because of the racial ignorance there and the toxic mentality there. Even though they promote anti-bullying, they feel white privilege doesn't exist. So it destroyed me mentally and emotionally because I looked at them like my family.

It was the fugue that caused me to hit rock bottom that day and address all of my fears, regrets and everyone that has ever hurt me. I was pretty much going though my own self therapy if you will. Peeling the layers of my self and trying to see how I fit in to this world even thought I thought I was living a normal life. However I feel I have been "asleep" for most of my life, just keeping my head down or going with the flow.

In all of that I took the MBTI. I had seen people posting the initials but never knew what it was until recently. I discovered that I am ENFP but doing further investigating. I am HSP ENFP 3w4 379 sw/so which put a spotlight on why I feel the way I do. It opened my eyes to a whole new world. Yet at the same time it make me question life, existence and everything. I did feel reborn but still misunderstood what was going on in my head now.

I was looking for more answers but the doctors couldn't explain it. I then came across all of this info and it really helped me fill in a lot of the blanks in my head and my heart...

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Marijuana/comments/kddwwp/im\_27\_years\_old\_and\_this\_is\_the\_year\_i\_started/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marijuana/comments/kddwwp/im_27_years_old_and_this_is_the_year_i_started/)

[https://bigthink.com/philip-perry/scientists-are-attempting-to-unlock-the-secret-potential-of-the-human-brain?fbclid=IwAR0CIE3QwyWvwn-0nblhtQkaQMPqcS\_YQPhWAB76Q8LytInhU-xUTHtEgx0](https://bigthink.com/philip-perry/scientists-are-attempting-to-unlock-the-secret-potential-of-the-human-brain?fbclid=IwAR0CIE3QwyWvwn-0nblhtQkaQMPqcS_YQPhWAB76Q8LytInhU-xUTHtEgx0)

[https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/brain-gain-a-person-can-instantly-blossom-into-a-savant-and-no-one-knows-why/?fbclid=IwAR1K8eM3Ga6MCCbujMurK\_3xAlyUcTSIrFIW8VSDO3c5KrsGD6XgwhDds7Q](https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/brain-gain-a-person-can-instantly-blossom-into-a-savant-and-no-one-knows-why/?fbclid=IwAR1K8eM3Ga6MCCbujMurK_3xAlyUcTSIrFIW8VSDO3c5KrsGD6XgwhDds7Q)

[https://exploringyourmind.com/the-4-types-of-intuitive-thinking/](https://exploringyourmind.com/the-4-types-of-intuitive-thinking/)

[https://enhalems.com/communication/](https://enhalems.com/communication/)

[https://www.criticalthinking.org/resources/articles/making-ct-intuitive.shtml](https://www.criticalthinking.org/resources/articles/making-ct-intuitive.shtml)

It did answer what I had been looking for in myself and I was doing great. The problem was I still felt alone. I think a lot of it has to do with the world we live in and reflecting on everything, disconnecting from all of the toxic people around me. Like my father, sister and that side of the family since its seems to be the norm for them out of ignorance.

Anyway. Today was really hard getting out of bed but I did. I am engaged to an amazing woman and we plan on going to where I work to get married. I work for the government county organization and one of the IT engineers. I got a house for both of us in January 2019 after I sold my house. At the time she was renting a apartment since she just moved back home from Montana when we first met in Jun of 2018. We have no kids but we have 4 dogs and 3 cats. She makes me laugh and we have the same goofy personality.

She still loves me and has always been by my side after all of this. She still loves me and it does break her heart seeing me this way. She also hates to see how I have been treated my doctors recently and how much emotional pain I am in. Its just been a struggle because I feel where I am at in my life is not what I was suppose to do. I have been at this job for 12 years and its been tough lately but the pension I feel is worth it.

I also felt the need to mention that me and my fiancé have a great relationship. This past year we maybe had sex 3 or 4 times. So that had don't a number on me. Its not like she is going behind my back. She is an office manager at vets office which is very stressful for her as well. Given seeing animals in pain or getting put down on the regular. However we have gotten closer and she want to be there for me. She had leukemia and was a St Jude kid but she is better now. She ended up have an iron deficiently from it so she does get tired a lot which makes sense. However we still do stuff together. She is very independent so a lot of the time we might be on opposite sides of the house. However we have been trying to stay in the same rooms just so we are around each other more lately.

The last time we had sex was a couple weeks ago. She was into it but it was more for my well being I felt. I have always been the type of person to take care of the other person and focus on them before me. So I think that is what she was doing and helping me feel normal. Its just that it feels like I have to initiate everything. So in that time of what can only be called a "dry spell," it did a number on my confidence.

However I feel out of place. Like I should of been a music producer/engineer, high performance car engineer, working at the ACLU, therapist or motivational speaker. I ask myself questions like is just a mid-life crisis, do I have a serotonin deficiency or what?

I really don't identify as any race or creed. I was raised in a catholic home and when to a private school up until high school So I feel I was sheltered because of that. I feel we all just exist "just because" if you will….

However I have also gravitated towards people of color. It started when I was child and my aunt who would babysit me. The neighbors were black and Anthony was my first real best friend that I remember but after I started going to grade school, we just grew apart. I think this is also why I finally felt home when I joined the USAF. I come from a town called Streator, IL where drugs and racism seems to just be part of life. It why I left.

There are kids I grew up with and family members my age who each passed away due to drug overdoses.

Looking back I was a stress-eater but still try to stay active. I also think I was a shopaholic or maybe its just the ENFP in me going from different things I was passionate about?

People have always said I am very smart and a deep thinker. It just trying to balance my emotions. It reminds me of the saying that there is a fine line between genius and madness.

[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-hidden-habits-genius/202009/is-there-thin-line-between-genius-and-insanity](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-hidden-habits-genius/202009/is-there-thin-line-between-genius-and-insanity)

The past couple of weeks I just found out my mom had a mini-stroke in November but she didn't tell me until xmas day. So that really fucked me up and started this snowball. Then I found out this past weekend that my dad was diagnosed with COIVD back on Dec 17 so that just added to grief I had with being last to find out. I was told it was to protect me since I was going though a lot but all it did was open up old emotional wounds for being last to know yet again.

I hope this doesn't come off like the ramblings of a mad man either. I just wanted to share, get this off my chest and hopefully connect with someone here who might have had similar experiences?

I feel I have so much I still want/need to do for myself but also for everyone else in society who may of been objectified, abused or what have you. I just really feel lost...

EDIT: I literally just found this after I submitted the post and it does resonate with me and wonder if this is what I am dealing with?

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline\_personality\_disorder#:\~:text=Borderline%20personality%20disorder%20(BPD)%2C,self%2C%20and%20strong%20emotional%20reactions](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#:~:text=Borderline%20personality%20disorder%20(BPD)%2C,self%2C%20and%20strong%20emotional%20reactions)

Since BPD can be a stigmatizing diagnosis even within the mental health community, some survivors of childhood abuse who are diagnosed with BPD are re-traumatized by the negative responses they receive from healthcare providers....remember earlier with Topamax, talking to my shrink and therapist. I also went to talk to a neurologist and he was very very dismissive. All he could say is you look fine to me so what's the problem.

The article goes on to talk about Emotional dysregulation which al resonates with my childhood and neglect and my father was abusive. However I believe he was along with his siblings. He father was abusive and died is a car crash when my dad was 13. They are from Arkansas which is why I feel this is where the ignorance and prejudice came from as well.

[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional\_dysregulation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation)