it’s 5:49 AM and i’m sitting in the bathtub thinking of ways to make it easier to starve myself. i have issues. i wish i knew how to put into words what i’m feeling, so i guess this is me trying to do that.

let’s be honest. i think going away to idaho in 8 days is going to solve my problems, but deep down, i know it’s not. if anything it will just make things worse for me, being alone with no one there to distract me from what has been chasing me, begging for me to recognize it. i can’t keep running away from my problems. i have to sit here. i have to process them. face them. and heal from them.

i recently watched heart stopper on netflix, and i think it might be a factor into this downward spiral that i’ve been on. seeing queer love represented in such a bright light, with no tragedy or sex has made me feel so happy. i’ve been having really high highs and really low lows. happy because of the tv show and the positive queer representation. i’ve been super low because i’ve been thinking about how hard it is to exist being queer. i think another reason that i’ve been so low &amp; contemplating life, is because i’ve been sitting here, looking back on my past relationships, and seeing how it’s the same thing over and over again.

i’ve never had someone look at me the way i’ve looked at them. i feel like it’s always been one sided in my relationships. me being the one who loves, and the other person just… having me there. i’ve never had an official boyfriend. but, what i have had is months, even years long, unofficial relationships with other guys, and that has made me feel like i am unlovable. the idea of someone actually loving me for me is unfathomable. i feel like if i were even to get into a relationship, it wouldn’t work because i genuinely believe i will never be loved, and insecurities obviously cause problems in relationships.

another reason being, i know how hard it is to date in the gay community. options are limited, people have their preferences, oh, and gay men are just like straight men. they want you at their disposal and only want you for sex. not only that, but i feel like our community is so small. i live in a city of 1.7m people, and yet it feels like every gay in jacksonville knows each other, knows of each other, or knows a friend that knows a friend, and it honestly feels like high school, in a sense. i don’t fit the beauty standard of gay men. i’m not tall, i’m not muscular, i don’t have perfect skin, and i’m not skinny. that’s what so many gay guys want. tall, fit, skinny, smooth skin. so that lowers my options even more. yeah, hot guys will fuck me, but they’d never dare get in a relationship with me.

this is why i feel the need to starve myself. in my head, i think that maybe if i just lose all this weight, maybe men won’t be embarrassed to be with me, because i’ll be skinny, not fat. then i can get into a relationship, and FINALLY have someone who just loves me for me. then, i start to think that, doing that wouldn’t be me being myself, and if someone loved me for me, they’d love me just how i am, but no one wants to love a fat person, so it just makes me wanna starve myself even more. yes, i still eat, and i make me starving myself unnoticeable to the people around me.

i went out and got lunch with my friends yesterday. i ate my entire meal, but i really cherished it, and i also thought about how that was going to be the only thing i ate that day. truth is, i’ve been starving all night. i even caved and went into the kitchen and ate a little bit of almond granola. one thing i’ve been doing is drinking carbonated drinks because they make me feel full, so i don’t have to eat. i’ve also been only eating granola bars on my breaks for my 10 hour shifts. sometimes when i’m hungry i’ll just go to sleep. it’s an easy way to not eat.

i weighed myself today. last time i weighed i was 251, now i’m 244. i’ve lost 7 pounds in less than a week. part of me likes to think i can feel those 7 pounds gone. my stomach feels a little flatter than normal, that’s what gives me motivation to keep going, and i fear it will become an obsession that i can’t stop.

thinking of this, and so many more things that is too much to type, have made me feel more suicidal than usual. on april 19 i even started to write a suicide note that i never finished. not because i was going to kill myself, but because i just liked the idea of it. truth is, i don’t think i could ever actually kill myself. i stay around for other people. i stay for my mom and my sister, and my aunt, who would never recover if i was gone. i stay for all 3 of my younger queer cousins, and my nephew who i know is gay. they need me. i’m going to be the one they come to when they feel lost. i know i’m going to have to be there for my nephew when he grows up and comes out, because his father is severely homophobic. i can’t willingly leave this world, because my queer family members need me. i have to be strong for them. another reason that stops me is because i know if i fail an attempt, i’m going to be in debt because of the hospital bills. i guess that’s one good thing the american health system does. 

part of me wishes a drunk driver would just hit me head on, and wipe me out. or that when i’m flying, my plane is the one to go down. or when i’m hiking, i trip and tumble down the mountain to my death. or the dames point bridge collapses as soon as i get to the highest point on it.

my friends always ask me why i always listen to sad music. i tell them it’s because sad music is the best music (it is), but it’s really just the most relatable for me. artists like taylor swift, all members of boygenius, gracie abrams, who are the queens of self hate, gay problems, and relationship problems are the ones i relate to the most. these are just my bathtub thoughts. i hope none of you can relate, but if you can, i hope you know you’re not alone. i’m constantly having to remind myself that.