One day that feels like getting out of bed wasn't a mistake. I've managed to luck my way into basically having no responsibilities all day for way too long of a time now, and that can probably last for a while still. I have all day to do whatever I think is best, but I still somehow always regret getting out of bed, wishing I could just curl up under a rock and never leave. Instead I end up working out for most of the day and just finding something to watch for the rest of it. Exercising is starting to feel harmful to my mentality because it feels like a paradox. I can feel muscles growing everywhere and workouts getting easier or faster, but you can't see any of it. I look the exact same as I did two months ago when I was twenty pounds heavier. Even that statement, "I've lost twenty pounds in two months", should make me feel better, but it doesn't. Not only can you not see that that ever happened, but recently I've been gaining it back with no changes to my how I was eating while I was losing it. My time spent not working out is always full of internal conflict. Thinking about doing important stuff stresses me out until I feel my core go ice cold and I start thinking about each and every way it will go wrong. Hobby like activities seem like a good distraction up until I actually start doing something and I just feel like I'm wasting time which starts dragging me down even more. Interacting with family and friends always ends with me feeling worse than before. I always have to be the one to start an interaction with each group of people, even those that never met all do the same thing, so it's probably just me. I didn't even get acknowledged by random internet strangers in general on international men's day, let alone for the day at all. I imagine in the past few years, unless I saw them on a daily basis, I would be contacted maybe once in a month, and that's only getting less frequent. When I do actually interact with people, things usually go wrong somehow. Either things get misunderstood along the way somehow or it just turns into a neutral conversation neither of us want to keep up. At this point I pretty much just have no desire interact with anyone I know except for one person and my cat. I can't even see my cat as much as I want to. He's getting older and walking is getting harder for him so he spends pretty much all of his time on his own couch in my living room, which means that most of the time if I wanted to pet him I'd have to interact with family that will say some inane bullshit and drive me more insane. The one person I want to interact with has been growing more and more distant, while the sparse interactions we do have all have intentions of wanting the opposite, it's a constant shifting feeling of the warmest warmth to distant colds. I always have a feeling like I should be doing something that I feel is actively helpful to me, right now either exercising or progressing through big life plans, or else I just get a feeling of numbing emptiness. The only thing that's been able to help pass time like that is just watching something and thinking about it. Even then though, I can't watch something too boring or I'll start thinking of everything else and I can't watch something too interesting because I'll be constantly thinking about talking about it to the one person I want to interact with. Things always feel a little bit easier whenever I'm alone, which isn't often since I live with family. When they're home it's like I just want to shut down and make absolutely no noise at all so they don't try to interact with me. When I do get time alone, I usually fill that time with odd things I feel mentally better doing when I'm alone rather than purely relaxing things. There's always a hint of worrying about when time to myself will end as well, every car door closing outside has me mentally preparing to be annoyed. Obviously there are solutions to some of these, like working and moving out, but it'll just be replacing old problems with new ones and it would still take time to change. I don't know if I could make it very long choosing to spend eight hours a day or more doing something I don't want to do at all just to clock out and still be in a horrible mental situation. Whenever I try to do things to help they never seem to go right, things like working out are starting to feel pointless, any activity I do just to feign positivity end up working backwards. None of this is new to me, it's been like this for a while, so long that I doubt my life will ever actually be in a good direction, it will always just feel like it could be but really isn't. Even though I don't and will probably never deserve it and things probably never will, I just want to be held and told the everything will be ok.