I’m a 16F and I was recently just prescribed Lexapro 20mg by my pediatrician for depression and anxiety, and have been taking it for the past thirteen days. I’ve also been taking hydroxyzine to help me sleep. So far, I haven’t had many side effects but my depression/anxiety seems to be getting worst. I have no motivation to do anything other than lay and bed, my appetite has decreased, I can’t fall asleep even when I’m tired, and I have keep having thoughts of SH. Today I actually SH for the first time in three and a half years. However, when I first SH I used my fingernails but this time I used a blade from a pencil sharpener. I don’t want to tell anyone since the last time I self harmed, I got caught and was told by my therapist I would be sent to a mental hospital if I didn’t stop. 

I don’t know what to do, and I’m worried I won’t get better. I currently have a therapist but I find it extremely difficult to open up. I feel like I’m wasting my parent’s money just to sit there and talk about how hard it is to find the motivation to do anything when I actually want to talk about the things that actually bother me and I how I feel anxiety around others. When I’m sitting in the therapist office though, my heart feels like it’s racing, my head hurts, I can’t make eye contact, I’m fidgety, and it’s hard to talk. Sometimes I feel like my therapist just thinks I’m lazy and that I’m just an attention-seeking teen. Same goes with my doctor who prescribes me meds. I’m starting to lose hope in therapy since I’ve had around five sessions so far but still feel the same anxiety as the first session. I don’t think getting a new therapist would do anything though. 

I just want my motivation back and for my anxiety around others to go away.