Well. I FINALLY DID IT.

Storytime:

I had a pretty nasty mixed episode in winter where I spent a lot of money even tho I knew I would be moving soon. Work was to much for me and and my psychiatrist put me on sick leave for 3 months. I had to send emails every few days to him telling him how I am doing and my therapist called me every few days so they could monitor me. I was reluctant for hospitalization back then and this was the agreement for me staying out of the hospital.

I entered a depressive episode after moving and I was unable to put my stuff together. So I build up debt and had to manage life with little money. Debt build up and I never paid. I simply didn't care. But I finally recovered.

Yet I was so anxious about contracting my providers and stuff because I knew I couldn't pay and I felt pretty guilty and worthless. So I just didn't do it....Adhd played its part into it and it was all a huge mess.... I had to borrow money in order to survive. It was a shitshow....

However....I managed to finally massage them! But not only that. I also changed a lot of stuff in order to put everything together. I called my bank, I filled a paper that allows me to get money  for paying my rent ( I live in germany ) and I am doing good. I even got a new job. I sold my piano so I can pay off me build up student loans. I hesitated sooo fucking long for no reason. I was so super axious about fixing it all and I don#t know why. Bet recently it became better.

What makes me worry tho is how my anxiety just went away. How well I seem to manage everything out of nowhere. I am super impulsive latley and did a lot of  drugs on a party a few days ago which is out of the ordinary for me. Yesterday I was kinda hypersexual and massaged a friend of mine, sexting her out of nowhere. I didn't sleep at all tonight and I feel super agitated and confident. The casually "I am super fine I don't need my meds anymore" mindset hit me aswell and I ditched my meds the last couple of days. I have a somewhat clear mind right now and was like "hmm. maybe this is off". But you know what? I don't mind lol

I am doing great and thats all that matters. i am so hyped up for my new job and I can't wait until it starts! I'm just glad that I finally fix my struggles and just wanted someone to know.

Work starts in august and then I will make a good pay and I will turn around 180°!  I am a little annoyed about having to sell my piano tho but w/e. I'll buy a new one once I get paid again so I don't mind.