So basically, I have not been diagnosed with BPD, nor am I seeking out a diagnosis, I just have a question about something I am experiencing which I think most or some of you will have experienced yourself.  If you don’t want to read the back ground skip to paragraph 6.

A little background, I am a 19 year old female, I was sexually abused several times when I was about 6, I have self harmed for as long as I can remember, I have had bouts of disordered eating where I have starved myself, intentionally thrown up, exercised to the point of collapsing (All irregularly, I wouldn't identify as anorexic or bulimic). I have had suicidal thoughts and have "attempted", that is I planned how I would kill myself and bought everything I needed but haven't actually done anything. I'm not sure why but that's just what happened. I sort of did it without thinking. I’m not trying to brag about my issues, I just want to explain other things I have experienced.

I eventually spoke to my doctor and explained most of what I was feeling and she diagnosed me as depressed and prescribed me citalopram. 

I absolutely hated how I felt on it and just stopped taking it. It also gave me this weird thing where I could not achieve an orgasm. I don't mean to brag, but normally I am an orgasm machine, it takes very little. It wasn't just the lack of orgasm that made me stop taking my antidepressants, it just made me feel strange during sex, emotionally. I cannot describe the feeling, it was something like an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. It basically removed the last bit of intimacy I had left. My boyfriend is the only person I can keep up a relationship with, I struggle massively putting effort into relationships consistently. I am basically all over the place with regards to feelings and motivation. It also gave me a strange there-not-there-feeling-not-feeling sensation that overwhelmed me. But I couldn’t feel overwhelmed. I had all these feelings that I couldn't feel, but I was still feeling that they were there and it was horrible.

Bringing it back to the sex thing, one part of my diagnosis that didn't sit right was my sex drive. I have an unstoppable sex drive, I literally don't have a limit. Which really isn't typical or people with depression. I don't know if anyone could shed some light on that?

Anyway, that's my slightly irrelevant background. What I came to talk about are hallucinations. I'm not 100% sure what these are. Since I was very young, when I walk up or down the stairs, particularly up, I have this feeling of something behind me. As I grew older this progressed to feeling like I was being chased up the stairs. I started running up the stairs in a panic every time, convinced that I 'just made it' to the top in time. Now, in the last couple of years, I've heard this voice, which isn't really a voice it's the same as my usual internal monologue which voices my regular thoughts. It sounds the same, but I'm almost completely confident that I didn't put it there. It's usually along the lines of "This time, I'm going to get you this time." Sometimes it sounds like a more masculine version of my own voice, but I don't think I made it happen. Like it sounds like something I'm thinking, but I don't remember intentionally thinking it. And it doesn't happen on every set of stairs. It's almost always on the ones at my home, occasionally on stairs at other people's homes, and rarely in public staircases. And even though I know deep down for certain that there is nothing there behind me, nothing is going to 'get me', in that moment I am panicked and absolutely convinced that I have to get to the top before the thing chasing me catches me. It's happened more and more as I have gotten older. Is this a hallucination? Or an overactive imagination? Either way it is totally involuntary. I also experience this sensation when walking around. I experience all of the above but in a different context. If I don’t get to that lamp post the thing will get me. If I don’t make it across the road fast enough the thing will get me. Things like that.

Another thing I experience, is another "something is going to get me" sensation where I have to cover my face until the thing leaves. This one is more visual, but still internal in my head. Like I don't actually see anything with my eyes in front of me. I feel a panic and cover my face, and just feel that this thing is in front of me, waiting for me to look at it so it can get me. I can see what it looks like in my head, but kind of vague and half formed, I couldn't describe it but I can think about what it looks like. The thing is I know isn’t true, but in the moment I am convinced of is that as long as my face is covered I am safe. So I sit there and cover my face until I feel it has gone, and the image is no longer in my mind. Then I carry on with my day. This is another one thought that gradually developed an auditory element. It started with, "I'm here. I'm gonna get you. I'm here." with cackling. Now there's more variety where the voice which is my voice but not my voice says, "Just open your eyes. I'm here. Open them, open them." 

These are both quite scary but tend to go as fast as they appear.

I experience other things similar to these, but voices have become more of a worry for me. Sometimes random words or sentences appear which I didn’t intentionally think, nor did they appear from association. Sometimes, I’ll hear my name in a strangers voice, my own voice, or a relative’s voice. Usually this is internal, but sometimes it sounds like it’s external. I also hear myself insult people sometime, in my own head. Like it just pops in, “Stupid cunt.”, “I hope she dies in a car accident.” Not all that bad but those are some fairly recent ones I remember. All of these are unwarranted; these people did nothing to make me dislike them. I usually don’t know them.

The most disturbing sentence this rogue voice says is usually along the lines of, “I’m going to kill myself.” “I want to die.” This is usually in a context where I am not thinking of anything in particular and it just appears without me being on the subject. It’s not very often. Just every now and again. And it confuses me because it is from my perspective. I didn’t think it.

Are these hallucinations? Are they just a child’s level of overactive imagination? Have you experienced anything similar? I’m probably going to post this in other places. I feel like there is something wrong with me and I just want to know what to do about it. Thank you for reading this.
