I'm not 100% sure when I started having hallucinations in life. Most I could chalk up to normal delusions most people deal with. But around 25 or so I've started hearing a man and a woman talking to each other. It's hard for me to say how much was in my head then. Around the time this started I had just started socializing with a couple of coworkers. We started off alright however they stopped inviting me to things and got pretty close with each other. I wasn't jealous at the start of that. Then it moved to one of them almost bragging to me about their time spent together. This I know wasn't a delusion because other coworkers noticed it as well. So I stopped socializing with those two almost entirely. 

This is where the line of reality became blurred. Because of course they would talk to each other about me. It's unrealistic but I believed I was the only thing they talked about. That would be pretty boring to talk about one individual nonstop. This led to me resenting the both of them. I sabotaged orders one of them were manufacturing for the company we worked at. I'm not proud of this even if we no longer got along that doesn't make them a bad person. Eventually one left the job to pursue an actual career. 

Even after one left I still heard this back and forth conversation about me. The voices man and a woman ridiculing me. But now in my head it was the neighbors one house over. A lot of times I would go into my backyard and hear them. Mocking how I was doing yard work, what I was wearing, how my appearance has become unkempt. 

I moved to my apartment where I live now. And now they almost never stop just move to whispers if I stop to listen. I've been in this apartment for almost 7 years. There's no couple living on either side of me. I know this somewhere in my mind but it all seems real to me. For awhile I could control how it impacted my mood. My ability to do that has been deteriorating over time. Then in January of this year I had a work accident that gave me a concussion. I can no longer drown it out and have near constant mood swings. This has dramatically impacted my relationship with my family. 

I want to tell them and I want help. I recognize my mood swings and apologize to them for not acting rationally. But I know how the outside world views people with mental illness especially schizoaffective disorders. 

I'm supposed to be enjoying memorial day weekend now and I can't even muster the courage to walk out my door.