Because I *am* pissed over it. Ever since I have opened up to my boyfriend (who turns out to be mentally ill, too) that I have GAD + BPD, he gradually just... became more fearful of me. I have my few episodes of lashing, but they were 100% self-directed, and I *do* loathe myself in those episodes, totally out of control.

Next thing his "other" personality (cannot really speak in definitives here; he hasn't gone to therapy) says that I better go look at this subreddit on people surviving abusive relationships with people having BPD, and quickly rules in that I'm gonna--or am--that asshole that's probably worse than Amber fucking Heard.

And my other disorder does not help at all. Y'all heard of people walking on eggshells because of manipulative bastards, right? Well, I'm quite the rare case of walking on eggshells because I keep *fearing* that I'm a manipulative bastard.

So many things have happened and I still don't know how to properly cope from them all, and the reality that I *do* have to walk on eggshells everytime just so that he won't adhere so much in the "BPDs are abusive partners" stereotype is just bound to fucking either break me or push me to have that knife plunged into my head. How ironic that I'm most likely going to die from suicide instead of my fucking brain tumor that's supposed to kill me the next second.

I don't know what I need. I don't know if I'm going to follow some advice for fear that I'll make the wrong decision. I don't know if reassurances will help, because it's not from him. And all the more professional help *doesn't* exist right now in this third-world country who considers mental health as less essential compared to COVID-19.

But maybe you guys have something in store for me. Thank you in advance. I'm sorry for sounding so petty and bothersome...