# Meh
So much crap in my head.

This post is going to be long. I need to get some clarity. Even if it means by just putting this out there. I honestly don’t think anyone will respond… and I apologise before hand, if you end up reading and then saying to yourself, “what a fucking twat… I just wasted 5 mins of my life reading this fucked up dude’s shit”

Anyways… So it’ll be 2 weeks tomorrow that my “supposed” SO and I have been completely NC. 

It probably was about a good 4-5 days down the line that I realised that, “hey.. is this what the millennials call, “ghosting someone”?”

Well, if anyone cares to read through my past fuckups with my SO and things for context, here are some links:

* https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/75a0s5/should_i_forgive/do6273a/?context=0
* https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/7pgypm/feel_terrible_after_reading_about_others_who_have/dsifjwz/?context=1
* https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/7mnkcs/the_devaluation_hurts_just_as_bad/drvktsx/?context=0
* https://www.reddit.com/r/Journaling/comments/74r10t/how_did_you_first_tell_your_so_that_you_journal/dqg4ur3/?context=0

So….

It’s been almost about 8 months since I’ve been in therapy (recommended by her in the first place - can’t be more thankful to her).

That’s when I got diagnosed. Suddenly, I could finally put every past incident in my life, in perspective. 

I read up so much, subscribed to this reddit, and what not. 

So post loads of drama (me cheating on her, she finding out etc.), we got back together late last year - which was a good couple of months post my therapy. 

I was still working through my therapy. She was there. Stood tall. As much as she could. 

And to be honest, I, since day 1 of us being together, always kept her at “bay” because I cared for her and didn’t want to hurt her. Yet, I did end up.

I never said to her that I loved her. I always kept warning her that I don’t want to be in a relationship - I knew I’d fuck up someway or the other. Yet, we persisted. And she stood by. And then boom! She “discovered” my private journal and everything blew apart. 

I used to journal for a good few years. Vehemently. It took me a good few years to vent. And then, I didn’t even realise, I ended up using the journal to manipulate myself so I don’t split on my own self (hope that makes sense?)

So since then, I stopped. I couldn’t. I felt completely curbed.

But yet, I was hopeful. Therapy is helping.

Slowly by surely, it took it’s own time and I started to slowly learn to understand myself.

Of course I still kept splitting. Not as much. But yes I did. 

The inherent fear of abandonment metamorphosed itself in oh so many different ways…. But this time, post my episode, I could understand. I could learn to relate. I could figure out how and why I’m wired the way I am. 

They say, acknowledging is job half done. It almost just feels like me learning to acknowledge is about 20% of the journey. And yes, my therapist agrees. He kept giving me his ways of “candies” to guide me on my path.

I know the path ahead if far much more dramatic, was yet something that I would be able to tread.

Heck, that’s a HUGE fucking improvement, no?

Anyways, so here’s the crux of the matter.

So, the SO and I have been together since Jan.

She kept assuring me in her own ways how, despite her knowing me to be a sleaze fucktart, would stick by and see me through my dramatics.

I’m not going to evening mention about the zillion times in a period of 16-17 wakeful hours I would split in my head (without anyone knowing), on the fact that I’m truly fucking her life up. 

My therapist kept trying to drill it in my head that it’s her wish and she’s an adult and it’s her preference that she’s sticking with you.

Yet, I couldn’t help myself from feeling guilty. 

Now, we all know how guilt manifests right?

But hey, thankfully, I truly “was” improving. I was at least 80-90% at a point where I could “identify” with my behavioural pattern, so as to be able to deal with it in my head.

I didn’t realise this until very recently when my therapist pointed out to me that I’m getting better.

Obviously, I was skeptical as fuck. 

Anyways, I persisted. In whatever way I could.

Right! Just realised I’m already going crazy spilling out the way I am. 

Let’s get to the point. So, way early on, with my SO and I started out (2 years back), I was constantly on the edge of being so “careful” that I kept pushing it that I didn’t want a relationship. Yet, every sinew in me, craved for a fairy tale version. Coz I always have. And yet, I couldn’t get myself to trust another human being. 

So, in my defence, I kept trying to keep her at bay. But yet, secretly, I was really getting attached to her.

And so, I kept journaling and planting seeds in my head on all the negatives and convincing myself that, hey, I’m a dude… I’m so awesome…. I don’t need to “fall” in love. I don’t ever do. 

To solidify this conviction, I grew up to be a perv (well, not a perv in the definition). But, literally, I would mentally try and associate myself with me scoring women - magnified more and more coz I DON’T WANT TO FALL IN LOVE - coz I DON’T BELIEVE IN IT. COZ, IT’S MOMENTARY. COZ ABANDONMENT PERSISTS.

Ugh. I’m losing track.

So, I’ve always had a massive issue with this specific friend she associated with. She was my friend and my SO got to know her because of me. Now, I know how that friend was. She was young, promiscuous and all open to letting the world in. Hey, her life. She was supposedly sorted herself too. Anyways - so the more my SO started to hang out with her… the more she got introduced and inducted to a world of “promiscuity” - not that my SO had any issues with that - she’s pretty attractive and knows her way to “lure” someone if she really wants to. But you know, as they say, sometimes, all you need is a catalyst. 

Well, BOOM!

So when we had broken up late last year, she and this friend of mine, had a holiday where they had the time of their lives - where my SO then admitted that she had slept with someone she met there.

Now, from “everything” my SO has been feeding me about her as a person since day 1, it was very evident to me that if it wasn’t for the influence of this “friend”, she wouldn’t have resorted to just a “physical” act.

But there. Done and dusted. 

There’s more to this, but I can’t be arsed.

My SO kept portraying herself as one of the most “transparent” person ever. Always kept saying to me how she was so very open about anything and everything and honoured relationships to the tee if both parties were truly invested.

I put in a LOT of effort in my therapy. I experimented with so many things. NoFap, StopSmoking, Meditation, what not.

I embraced that I was broken. Not just a badge to wear - but truly embraced it. My therapist helped me to relate to a lot of incidences from my younger days - which started to give me a little better picture on my traits and how I’ve turned out to be. This helped me to ardently work through my issues.

I’ve had my slip-ups. As most people here would know, this isn’t something that can be sorted in just a few “sessions” - this is ingrained subconsciously as basic behaviour patterns.

Anyways, I did the best I could - I truly did. But hey, I could only compare it with myself from the past. And my therapist who every now and again did make me realise that I’m slowly, but surely, getting better. Yes, we have a long way ahead, but he was proud that I was walking the path.

Fast-Fwd to 2 weeks ago.

Actually, rewind a few weeks.

So, I do have a lot of trouble managing work when the pressure is high and relationships. I crumble. I can’t make up my mind what to give attention to. Work “needs” to take priority because I run a business and there are people who depend on it. I have my own dramas at work - but we ain’t going there - heck, it’d be a subreddit on it’s own if I start about that LOL!

Anyways, so as much as I’ve been trying to learn, identify and soothe myself with embracing “extremes”, “black and white thinking”, “this way or that way” behaviours, I kept asking for time out from my SO.

She was supportive.

I was also mindful that I’ve cheated on her. And she’s yet come back and stood by me (cue, slowly getting the abandonment issue fixed)… so I’d be mindful and keep trying to keep her appraised on my whereabouts and doings. 

We had our issues too. But truly, and personally, I think they we were getting better. 

Her being someone who I learned to trust finally. Not 100%, but therapy helped me being not obsessive and focus on the “heart of the matter”.

And here’s where it all fucked up.

2 weeks ago (or so), she was going out with her girls for a night out. Yes, I knew that “friend” was also there. But I truly tried my level best to understand that it’s her life and, she’s gone OUT of her way to comfort me on the trust factor. So I should just stop obsessing that another individual can supposedly influence my SO to be/do something that she wouldn’t want to because of her commitment to me (and yes, that’s how she always portrayed herself to me).

We messaged later at night when she was out. She expressed how bored she was and would give anything to get out of that place. I asked her if she would like to come over (it wasn’t our scheduled time to meet - therapist started helping in boundaries).

To which she was like, yeah I’ll try and get out - but will be a while.

In my head, I was like, well, if you had to stay longer, why would you project a version that you were bored? Meh. Anyways. Discarded that thought.

Eventually, a few hours went by and I really wanted to just crash. Now, Just because I had asked her to and both of us had said to each other that we missed each other (hey, in my head I had thoughts that she was having a good time anyways), I said to her that I won’t lock the main door, so she could get in anytime and crash in the bed with me.

This was around 12am.

Come 4.30am. I get frantically woken up with the abhorrent jarring of the bedroom door. While I slide between dream-paralysis and reality, I manage to echo the words, “awww baby, sorry” in my ears. My SO, had just come in.

So she changed and slid in to our bed, hugged me and crashed. Well, fuck! I ended up being wide awake!

As she was hugging me, I smelled her hair (something that calms me down and regularises me - she doesn’t know this yet LOL)., and it smelled different. So different. She’s been out several times and yet it never was THIS different. Few seconds later I said to myself, “Dude, stop fucking thinking shit. You’re the fucking arsehole. You fucked up. She always stood by. Stop doubting. She won’t do shit. You won’t be hurt. She cares. This smell is just because she was out in a club…”

I repeated that I’m the dickhead and I should not even THINK like this about her, repeatedly until I passed out.

Fast FWD to a week later, same thing - she expresses she doesn’t want to do anything and ends up going out for a night out. In her words, “I didn’t want to be alone, but the girls planned a night so I went out.” She even mentioned later that night how she ended up taking a “nap” in the club and went at length to explain to me how the vibration of the sound on the couch really severed as a rock-a-lullybye of sorts.

Yeah go out all you want. Of course I don’t have any issues whatsoever.

Next day, we both are lying on the couch taking a nap. Me hugging her from her back. An hour or so later, she picked up her phone and was checking through her WhatsApp messages,  I just only woke up then too, and ended up just spotting that over her shoulder. And noticed how she deleted a message from this guy - who she told me she met in her holiday months ago, but lived in the same town as we do and how he was cool and a really nice guy. I never thought any way other. Until I spotted her deleting a message. 

HEY! THAT’S ME!

I DO THAT SHIT. 

AND I’M FUCKING BUSTING MY BALLS IN THERAPY TO LEARN TO TRUST AND NOT FEAR ABANDONMENT.

Anyways, I pretend to still be asleep.

A few days go by (she was amidst a job change and I really didn’t want to disrupt her mind in anyway).

Unfortunately, I couldn’t contain it anymore and the day she started and settled on the new job, the next day I split!

Eventually when she came over, I asked her why she didn’t even bother to share with me that, that guy was there that night. 

Before she got home, I noticed, the night they were out, she started to follow someone on Insta. Now,  she is the kind of person who would be extremely skeptical on who to follow. Unless it isn’t someone she cares about or isn’t artistic in someway, she wouldn’t follow. 

But there a follow - both ways. A private profile.

Anyways, so when we were having this conversation, I just threw that in (I had no clue this could be related). And she admits that this guy  was a friend of the other guy and they were both in the club. 

I was like, eh? You expect me to share every detail of my life with you and here you are, something I’ve ALWAYS been afraid of, lies and abandonment, to which I play up ahead out of fear,… but you spent 2 years, literally CONVINCING me that you were genuine, That you were who you said you were. And you kept things?

You didn’t say anything?

It’s not that I had any problem.

But hey, the biggest factor in all of this is the fear of abandonment isn’t it?

One of the strongest BPD trait is the fear of abandonment - prepare yourself before someone hurts you, so you don’t get hurt.

And here, I did all that. She saw through that. Forgave me. Elevated me to try therapy. Stuck by me, despite of all my dramatics. And JUST when I was managing to scratch that fear of abandonment, BOOM!


Yes,. I know, someone who isn’t BPD would look at this post and go like… WTF? WHAT A FUCKING ANTI-CLIMAX

Anyways. So here’s the deal. Since this happened, we’ve kinda been off talking. My work just got crazy overnight. In my head, I used that as an excuse to not make amends and deal with this (in my head). 

Voices started saying things like, “SEE, TOLD YOU SO. NO ONE CAN BE TRUSTED”, to, “UGH, WILL YOU STOP FUCKING WITH HER? YOU CARE ABOUT HER - LET HER BE AND STEP BACK. PLEASE LET HER FIND PEACE AND NOT YOU - THE MONSTER”

Such extremes, again right?

It took me a few days to realise that I’m YET thinking in extremes ONLY.


So, since the second round of expressing this frustration to her, I just couldn’t seem to wipe the fear out of my head - it kept pulling me to anger and I knew what it was doing, so I kept pulling it “away” anger, but I could only pull it towards the fear again. So here I was, oscillating between fear and anger.

Luckily, I had no choice by to throw myself at work that weekend, which, in it’s own way, helped distract.

But, here’s the thing. I kept looking at her instagram. And yup. She as still following that “new” guy. And so was he.

So I kept quiet. 

She had told me, that she doesn’t usually follow random people. Unless and until there’s something that is very interesting in their profile.

This guy’s profile was private. No way for me to know if it was really “interesting”.

My head kept driving me insane.

She was in a club. She was intoxicated. She told you she almost took a nap. But she was with her “promiscuous” friend. And also the guy she met from her trip. Who brought his friend along. And she decided to exchange instagram. Albeit, he followed her first and she “complied” (or so what she says).

Well. 

It was evident that we had that issue.

And yet,  here we are. 12 days and completely NC.

In my head, she’s probably thinking, “aaah fuck, see - he still didn’t bother to get in touch. He still doesn’t want a relationship”

While in my head I’m like, “I never wanted to. But I did. I fucked up. And you helped to get me better. Now I’m recovering. Thanks to you. You know my weaknesses and fears; You always did. You always portrayed yourself to be someone who were open about things. Yet, here we are - you stick by to help and do just the opposite to your supposed nature”

Fuck this!

THIS IS WHAT I FEARED 2 YEARS AGO ANYWAYS.

You know the saying, you create and fulfil your own prophecy?

Ugh. Abandonment.
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OMFG! You read this? You stuck by, this far on my post?

FML!

You just wasted 5-10 mins of your precious time. 

I’m just another Joe, ranting about something just random. Nothing relevant, no learnings, no epiphanies.

Just waste of a few kilobytes of the internet space.

Rudimentarily a screwup.

Move along.