Hi, this is may be deleted at one point but I’m not sure when

I am not yet diagnosed with borderline but I’m almost 100% I have it. And it’s killing me. It has been killing me all my life. It has affected my friends, my loved ones and myself. But you probably already know that

What’s concerning me right now, is whether or not I can feel love. Right now, my girlfriend and I are on a one week break from one another. I’ve been what I fee is an emotionally abusive asshole towards her. Paranoid that she would cheat on me, that she would leave me. And before that, ever little thing I didn’t like that she did, set me off. When it shouldn’t have, and I know it shouldn’t have. But it did anyways. And it always hurt me later to think about it.

My question is: can borderlines feel love? I feel like I’ve been such a manipulative piece of crap to her, and I just want to know if there’s even any hope. I don’t want to hurt her heart, she means so much to me but I’ve been such a douche to her. I stared self reflecting so much, asking why I even love her. If I even do. I cried so much thinking about her gone. The thought of not seeing her. Her smile gone, her heart to someone else. She can do as she pleases but it hurts me. Do I love what she’s done for me, or her as a person? How can I even tell? Is she better off without me? Can I fix us? Maybe I’m overthinking..

I’m just so lost right now and would like some experiences and thoughts and advice, even. It hurts my chest and makes me cry and I’m desperate