i am constantly numb and empty. if i don't feel that, then i feel depression and a heavy weight on my chest. i'm really struggling to discover what the cause of this is and if anything is effecting it, or whether it's just a BPD thing and i've got to deal with it. do any of you just feel... robotic?? I have been on 20mg of citalopram for 3 years, but past few months have lowered the dosage to 10mg as i suspected the SSRI was numbing me out. it's made a little difference i think, but not really. other than that i have been on 75mg of lamotrigine for nearly 2 years and i feel like that is doing me just fine. the thing i'm struggling with the most is that i feel like i cant feel anything for anyone or anything; as in when i look at the people in my life i know i love i feel... nothing. empty. it makes me feel like i don't care and i don't have any energy to give to the people i love. i feel nothing when i do/think about my hobbies and passions - my creativity is my driving force in life and i just feel so disconnected. i also have absolutely no sex drive or sexuality at the moment which is a huge issue. like with everything else, i just feel nothing for sex at the moment. no desire, no drive, no sense of my sexuality in my own head. i'm naturally a very sexual person and used to masturbate but i don't anymore and me and my boyfriend rarely do anything sexual with eachother. i just feel NOTHING towards life. i am going through the motions every day.. waking up, putting makeup on, going to work, cooking, hanging out with my boyfriend.. and while i'm not 100% despondent all the time it always always feels like there is a this big fat empty soul sucking void in me filled with just numbness. 

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recently as well i've realised that i really do need to curb my smoking habit. for nearly 3 years i have been smoking weed every day, and i just can't hack it anymore. i've become dependant on it and i hate that. could this be making me feel numbed out? not just when high, but the stuff still being in my system. 

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i just don't know what to do anymore. i guess i'm looking for reassurance. does anybody relate?? i feel so alien in my own body and head.... i just don't feel like me, i don't feel alive, i don't feel connected to myself. 