Trigger warning maybe? 

During break downs I'll bash my head against things, threaten to kms, harm myself in other ways and say some nasty things. All I want during these times is to harm myself as much as possible or really harm the people around me. I usually have more control when it comes to hurting others, but the urge is so strong. 

But when I'm "okay" it's like I've never done these things ever, I have a vague memory of doing and saying those things but it seems foggy and like they never happened to begin with. It's almost as if I just witnessed those things, or I straight up don't remember and have to be told about it. 

I also have trouble with regulating my emotions when I'm alone as I am completely numb. I then spiral into a panic that maybe I don't have BPD at all because I feel nothing. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else experiences these things. I've only been diagnosed for 2 monthsish, and still figuring out and coming to terms with what is BPD and what isn't.