I just need to get it out of my chest. No need to read or answer. 


I am having my first official relationship this year. I love him. But I hate not being able to think normally. I hate this little voice in my head ruining my mood. I hate being who I am (even though I have no fkn idea about who I am). I hate crying for little shits that triggers me. I hate having to physically hide the destroying emotions inside me. I hate having 838373833837337 defense mechanism activated 24/24 to prevent any emotional crisis. 

Today was like the 5th day after my depressive episode and absolutely all was good, all was chill asf but I got triggered and said something “bad” and he said : “please don’t start”. 


YALL HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE THIS SENTENCE. 

People before him used to abuse me  then say “pease dont start” when I expressed my emotions. 

This sentence is fucking disgusting to me. I hate it. I feel invalidated and crazy. 

I’m so done. You think I wanna start it ??????? You think it gives me pleasure to ruin the mood ???? I DO ALL I CAN TO HIDE MY FUCKING EMOTIONS 24/24 I CAN NOT ALWAYS ACT LIKE YOU !!!!!!!!!! Yes, yes one moment after a week I’m gonna be bitter about this one problem in our relationship that hasn’t been resolved. 

During days and days I ignore this little voice in my head for our relationship, at a moment I will express it. I am sorry. She doesnt shut up and a way to make her  lower her voice is to say it loudly. 


I am in fact wayyyy happier than when I was in my depressive episode but it doesnt mean that this smile you see every day is effortless. I work hard for it. 


Thats it. I would do crazy shits to cure this virus in my head.