I rarely feel emotions anymore, and when I do, it's when I'm crying but it's very rare for that to happen. I don't care about anyone or anything and I'm just waiting for my chance to delete myself from existence, so to speak. Literally made an Amazon account a few weeks ago and am now waiting to get the money to buy "a surprise tool that will help me later". I just wish I could die like right now, instantly with no pain, no feelings, no funerals, no anyone caring about my death, no anything. I barely even TRY to act happy, I constantly have a deadpan/neutral/done with everything expression on my face, I'm ugly af, always in my room, force myself to eat/drink when I'd rather starve/dehydrate etc. I just feel like I might as well end it since I'm not gonna be of use to anyone and I'm also putting my only friend through mental strain with my depression as well. Plus I'd like to think my family would be better off without me anyway. I wish they'd all hurry up and tell me they'd be happier without me and that I don't actually mean anything to them so I can just get it over with already...