**TW: SELF HARM**

  
I had decided to make this on an anonymous reddit post because I'm almost terrified of anybody finding out that I posted this. I'm just a guy with depression, anxiety, and BPD. My sole purpose of playing video games, as anybody else's would be, is to have a good time and feel better.  


 I usually play Valorant a lot and queue up with friends, we win most times, we have some fun, things are alright. But the thing is, when we lose, or when I feel like I'm performing horribly, worse than others, then I feel my motivation, my mood, my patience, etc. start to drop. Extremely low.  


Whatever rage the average person feels when they play, it is 10x as worse. I start to feel paranoiac that the team I play with, my own friends, are starting to look down upon me. I start to feel empty when I'm feel not good enough for the team. I become irritable around my teammates when I become annoyed at myself (I sincerely fucking hate when they tell me that 'its okay' or 'nice try'). I even had self harmed because of the games I play.  


I always put myself up to an expectation when I play games with anybody, even myself. I don't want to do bad on my games because I'm scared of what comes with my bad performance. I overthink almost too much for my own good and I hate it.  


One of the obvious solutions would be to just... stop playing the game, right? Or tell your friends that you feel this way. Well the thing is, I don't want to be left out, and the feeling of embarrassment irks me to the core. I wish it was easy to just convey my emotions to people but I always have a gut feeling, and intrusive thoughts always deter me. It just feels like nothing is going to change or get better. I always feel inclined to playing the games that upset me the most.  


It's starting to feel like every game will upset me and I don't know what I'd do without video gaming. If anybody could please just give me advice or coping methods I would love it. I'm the only one in my friend group with BPD so it's even harder to open up.  


Some extra information: I had been discharged from my therapist and had been off track with my anti-depressants for almost 3 months now. I'm in search of a new therapist now and I will ask them about going back on medication.  


(I am sorry if this is very uncoordinated. I really, **really** fucking suck at venting.