25 y.o female diagnosed with BPD (once unknowingly when I was 19, now knowingly at 24) 


I cheated on my long time partner with my ex partner and I still don’t know why but my therapist has thoroughly convinced me I blew it all up due to cognitive dysregulation or some other long scary skills word. I’m in group now, just started. 

My partner is angry, cautious, fearful and loving. He knows everything. And yet, I have this pit in my stomach that won’t go away. I have a feeling he will forgive and stay with me but I don’t feel deserving of his love and affection. He is so wonderful and oh so neurotypical. 

I’m overwhelmed by skills group. There is so much. My friends say one week at a time. I can hardly handle the spikes of downs &amp; lows in a day. My heart is broken; I broke it. I regret it so much. My partner will probably never trust me the same even if we do stay together. He is exhausted by my self discovery and increasing awareness of my BPD. 

I know “what to do” but I’m terrified of my lows, my lack of resiliency, possible ineffectiveness of treatment. Goddamn I love my partner so fucking much. And yet I cheated. I felt unloved in that moment. I felt impossibly lonely empty and depressed. I have never hated myself more than now. I’m sorry... for the negative post. If anyone has any advice please.. I’m all ears.