For the past four-ish years my mental state has been entirely fucked. My relationship with my best friend is officially in the toilet. He described me as someone who goes from one crisis to another, and he said he was always wondering “what will it be next?” My brother, who I was always close with, doesn’t speak to me either. My husband is the best person I know and I am truly blessed to have him in my life. He understands me more than anyone else, and is very patient with me. However, my highs and lows take a toll on him. I have other friends who I talk to regularly and, while they say they’re always here for me, I must say that I feel guilty dumping my issues onto them. 

These days, I don’t typically talk to my mom about my mental health because she’s seen me at my worst and I don’t want her to worry about me. I hide my bad days from her most of the time. I can’t count how many times I’ve unlocked my phone during an episode, opened my contacts, put my phone down and just cried my eyes out. I don’t want to keep draining the people who I love, so most of the time I don’t. But it makes me feel so lonely. 

I hate that my self worth is tied to the validation of those around me. I want to love myself, but I don’t know how. I never have. I feel so incredibly empty inside.