So, my acceptance of having BPD is only weeks old. (Following a traumatic breakup that forced me to look at these issues instead of running away like usual)

I feel like nearly every day is another "revelation" or insight on something HUGE. The co-morbitidy is overwhelming ..but also helpful that the solution (intensive therapy) will help them all. 

For example.  9 days ago it was: a close person to me noticed i looked malnourished and expressed concern.  I had lost 10lbs in less than 2 weeks (139 to 129). So I realized it was a form of self harm and reached out for help from a professional, figuring i need to not develop an eating disorder.  In intake (I was thinking it would be a 1-2 session thing of what to do and not do)..it turned into realizing an eating disorder has existed for TWENTY YEARS (im 30) and its just manifesting differently in grief. 

A few days prior is was how my bad behaviors were a form of self-harm rooting from self-hatred. Like just because I wasn't cutting or bruising, doesn't mean I wasn't self-harmimg.  


Well NOW it has come up that I've been dissociating gor YEARS and years. And thinking of ways I've done it is distressing.  

There were things I recognized as odd but immediately ignored or convinced myself otherwise. 

Examples: I am missing a LOT of time in my memory. One specific example is from 3 years ago when my infant daughter was having 100 seizures a day suddenly. I was in the hospital with her for nearly a month. I remember *maybe* 3 days of it. I remember a moment where I was thinking how I must be a sociopath because I wasnt crying.  Trying to convince myself I have feelings.  I remember feeling like it wasn't happening to me..and being alarmingly calm. 


Feeling completely like im watching myself and a seperate person locked in the trunk while this "other me" had the wheel. (Particularly in times of self harm)

Zombie-ing out in a way that is abnormal.  

One of my tools for getting though crisis moments is gaining understanding so I can recognize behaviors and patterns and work on healing.. and this one is super hard.  

Like: why did this happen? What things happened to me that I dont remember? 

And then moving towards an understanding that this was a self-preservation skill I no longer need. Which gives me hope.