I went through a lot of friendships and relationships that were constantly them abandoning me for trying to stand up for various reasons, like me not being good enough, expressing how situations make me feel and trying to be transparent about my feelings, you guys know what i mean when i say that. 

Ive realized how on edge i am about being abandoned and if anything small happens with someone i love and treasure i just instantly feel so overwhelmed with anxiety and horrible thoughts. I thought i had gotten better but i just learned that expressing my feelings is why people leave and if i try they will hate me. I just hate that feeling. I cant tell the people i love that i feel suicidal and depressed because it all looks like its for attention when it seems to come from me. I cant go to anyone abput how i feel unsafe in my own home because its ignored by my loved ones.

Im sorry this is starting to be a jumbled mess i have so many fears coming out of me right now and i just feel so fucking lonely i spend most of my time alone crying my eyes out lately and i have nobody to.reach out to. 

Thanks if you read, sorry i have to stop now. 
