But I don’t want to exist either, like death is too permanent and I just need time where I can lie in bed or chill in my bedroom and I basically don’t exist, no outside problems or conversations I need to keep track of. And yet I feel like this most of the time now and outside of it I haven’t legitimately smiled in I don’t know how long, it’s all fake, a persona so that I can suffer longer without anyone noticing, it’s an internal shit show.