Okay, I just need to get this out. 

So after being diagnosed with BPD I do what I always do and that is dive straight into voraciously reading everything about the disorder. I read and comprehend more and more and more until my head is close to exploding. I've always been this way. It is a pattern close to obsessive. Heh. Anyway, after all of the information I've absorbed I've drawn a few conclusions about the particulars of my diagnosis. The first and foremost thing being how greatly I am affected by my emotions. The second is how I exhibit no signs of psychosis. 

I'm anxious about seeing my doctor tomorrow because I will be specifically requesting Topamax or Lamictal. Abilify just isn't doing it and that doesn't surprise me since, as I mentioned before, I have no psychosis accompanying my diagnosis. 

I am hoping - no, *praying* and to whom I don't know since I'm an Atheist, that he just doesn't try to increase my dosage of Abilify. I've read about some of the side effects and how poorly patients *without* psychosis can react if the dosage increases too much. (Doing so could result in something called 'Tardive Dyskinesia'.)

In particular I found this information, and later on [this](http://www.bpddemystified.com/treatments/) entire website, helpful:

&gt; Another class of medications, referred to as mood stabilizers, has been shown to significantly reduce certain symptoms in patients with borderline disorder.27 These symptoms include impulsivity, anger, anxiety, depressed mood, and general level of functioning. The size of these therapeutic effects range from moderate to very large.
Mood stabilizers do not reduce suspiciousness, split-thinking, dissociative episodes and paranoia in borderline disorder. When these symptoms persist after others improve with mood stabilizers, the addition of an antipsychotic agent is indicated.
The most commonly used and effective mood stabilizers for borderline disorder are topiramate (Topamax) and lamotrigine (Lamictal). These medications are also referred to as antiepileptic drugs because they are commonly used for people suffering from partial complex seizure disorder. Partial complex seizure disorder has its origin in the temporal lobes of the brain, a brain region important in the generation of emotions and control of impulsive behavior.
Weight gain does not appear to present a problem with Topamax, which may acutally normalize weight in some patients, or with Lamictal. The latter medication rarely may result in a serious dermatological problem, especially if the dose is raised too quickly.

I want to be clear that I am sharing this not just to "get it off my chest" but in case anyone else out there is experiencing BPD in the same way that I am. I exhibit the following:

* Unstable Relationships.
* Unclear Or Unstable Self Image.
* Impulsive, Self-Destructive Behaviors.
* Extreme Emotional Swings.
* Explosive Anger. 
* SOME/Sporadic Feelings Of Emptiness. (I've noticed this happens rarely.)

Wish me luck? Please? I usually try, and desperately so, to keep it together but I'm on the verge of tears with worrying about how tomorrow will go. It is almost 3:00am here and I should be asleep. That is probably not going to happen. 

I have dreams of being normal enough to have a steady job and friends. 
I have dreams of going to law school. 