To give some backstory, i just returned from living away from my entire family for almost four years. it was just myself and my partner on the other side of the country. 

After a big move back home I  started to settle in. it took a few months for me to feel like I was home again, and it was really stressful. I had a lot of anxiety off and on. I got into a routine and I felt like I was starting to do ok.

A few weeks ago, my partner’s mom passed away unexpectedly. This was an extreme shock for everyone. There were a lot of complicated feelings going around and we all tried to do the best we could to help each other grieve. During this time I did alright, I cried a little bit and I kind of came face to face with the mortality of everyone I love. It scared the shit out of me. I was able to cope pretty well for a while, even feeling guilty because I felt like it didn’t affect me as much as everyone else.

Now that the dust has settled and everyone is back to their lives I feel scared being alone. I’m having trouble concentrating at work, when I’m alone I have extreme anxiety, I need to be around someone at all times. I don’t want to be alone. I just got back to see everyone after all this time, and someone passed away. 

When I lived on the other side of the country, I felt secure about spending time with myself. I didn’t feel scared or lonely. I could go weeks without hearing from anyone and I was fine, I just spent time with my partner and we were ok. My family dynamic ended up changing when I was away and that triggered a lot of feelings of loneliness. I knew I needed to come back. It was a huge realization that I needed to be around my family.

My therapist said that it’s normal for our priorities to change as we get older. My priorities definitely changed, and now I’m back. As soon as my partner and I get back here and we’re enjoying being around everyone, someone in our family dies. 

I feel so scared. I just keep thinking about how things keep changing, and how everything is so uncertain, and that scares me so much. I love these people so much, I’m so attached to them now. When I spend time with them, I keep thinking of how they’ll be gone one day.

I have a lot of trouble with acceptance. I didn’t know what “processing your emotions” looked like until just recently. I struggle to even identify what things make me upset and I have to journal a ton before I can crack the code. 

I guess I’m just venting. Has anyone experienced this sort of thing before?