I've been thinking more about this lately. I've always viewed my desire to be someone's number one person, the one they care about the most in the world, their priority - as toxic. I know that this desire stems from the way my parents treated their partners and myself growing up. They both had long-term relationships with people who outright hated me. They both consistently chose their partners over me. When my dad's wife tried to burn the house down with him and I in it, he invited her back in once she got out of the mental hospital and I, a teenager in high school at the time, bounced rrom couch to couch at friends' houses for a year because I was too scared to be around her. My parents always made it clear that I came second... at best. But I thought that I couldn't let my trauma dictate how I conduct my adult relationships.  

My partner has really strong views and opinions on things like autonomy and boundaries. He's a relationship anarchist and views friendships and relationships as equal. He hates it that I get upset about things like him catering to his friends or sometimes choosing them over me. I believed that his view was the healthy one for a long time. For almost all of the two years we've spent together. I've tried very, very hard to be a 'good,' 'healthy' partner. I've tried to be understanding. I swallowed my feelings and opinions because they were 'wrong.'   

I'm not sure how I feel is wrong, though, anymore. All the relationships shown in media seem to be like that - the idea of finding someone who always chooses you, who would take on the world for you. I know that media is definitely not what you should look at for an idea of what is healthy, but the point I've taken away from it is... maybe most people want what I want. Maybe it's not just trauma, maybe it's not just a shitty BPD trait. Maybe it's normal. Maybe my partner is, although maybe not wrong for his views, abnormal. 

What do ya'll think? Should I be working on not wanting to be the Most Important person to someone or is that an okay thing to want? I hate that I can't ever be sure what feelings of mine are crazy and what are valid. I'm terrified to be a toxic person. But maybe I'm ... not.