I've always been insecure with low self esteem, this is nothing new to me. I've struggled with mental illness basically my whole life, this is nothing new to me. Things really started to go downhill for me at 20. I'm 27 now.

I miss the me before my partner broke my trust and continued to look at porn when I asked him not to. Yes I know most people think porn is normal and yes I used to watch it myself but people are allowed to change their opinions. I miss who I used to be before I found his porn. I've always been insecure but I was never this jealous. Never THIS insecure. I used to be able to watch movies without comparing myself to all of the actresses, without the thoughts of "oh I bet he would jack off her to her" or "he will go search her later to jack off to". I used to be able to use social media without wondering what my partner was looking at (drooling, really). I used to be able to appreciate another woman for her beauty but now all I can do is hate her because my partner might be attracted to her and then I hate myself even more than I already do because I'm so pathetic.

I don't think I've ever really trusted anyone ever. I don't even trust myself.

The old me may have been naïve and mentally ill but at least she could live a little. Now I feel paralyzed by the overly sexualized society we live in. I'm no prude. I like sex and I like to have a lot of it. I don't need it shoved in my face every two seconds and I don't need a partner who needs to entertain themselves constantly with sexual material. There is more to life than tits and ass.

Crazy thing is, my partner says he is so over this. So over the porn and over looking at woman online and he's moved on from it and he wants me to do the same otherwise we wont work out. He has given up all of his social media, taken off the browser on his phone, everything to show me that he isn't going to lie again. But I still feel like shit about myself every single day and I still compare myself to every single woman who is even remotely attractive, on TV or in real life, wondering if he would jerk off to her. I've lived with these kinds of intrusive thoughts every single day for the past 7+ years and I'm tired.

I miss the old me.