I don't even know what my definition of love would be, but I have become so desperate for it. I have fallen in love with an idea of a person I created in my mind. I touch my skin and and imagine their touch, a faceless person with no name or voice. When I get myself some human interaction, I will create a reality with any attractive person I meet. I will fall in love with them, fight them, kiss them, and break up with them all in my head. I see any hint of happy couples and yell weird screams then cry for only a couple of seconds. I would later resume my day normally and forget it even happened. 

I reject love whenever it truly comes to me, romantically or platonically, and then crave what it feels like to be unconditionally loved, or be obsessed with. I feel myself drifting into delusions, which is nothing new, but usually my delusions make me happy, at least temporarily. now I feel like I'm losing my sanity over a topic so silly. I can't find any ways of coping. if I do something for myself, I will imagine this faceless person smiling at me and encouraging me in what I'm doing. there is nothing I do that is for me.

I feel so embarrassed to discuss this with anybody, even my therapist. so here I am posting for random strangers hoping for any way to cope with this mentality.