I have been doing my best to stay positive and focused on recovering from this extremely fucked up diagnosis, but tonight I find myself in the familiar place of despair. I feel so fucking alone. I have either lost everybody I cared most about due to transitioning, or I have pushed everybody I care most about away. I can’t hold friendships without getting paranoid. I’m so afraid of feeling the pain of rejection that my body is on high alert just waiting for it to happen. I lost my best friend last year and everything she listed that she hated about me are things that I hate about myself. I hate that I get so much adrenaline from fear, I don’t know
How to not be afraid, and even when I think I’m doing ok, i feel like I’m just blind to it from a euphoric manic mood. Wtf I just want it to end already. This is exhausting. I want to feel normal and stay feeling normal. I want off this God damn roller coaster. I have a lot on my plate right now. A move, raising 3 kids as the primary physical caregiver. I have help financially, but they are with me the majority of the time, and I don’t have friends or babysitters. I work nights and take care of them exhausted because I have no other choice (it’s the summer, things will change once school starts again) I feel like I’m drowning in every direction, and I’m just trying to stay afloat for my kids sake, but I’m so fucking overwhelmed, anxious, sad, and angry at myself. Then I get angry at all the abuse that I went though that physically changed my brain when it was developing. It’s like a second punishment that I didn’t deserve. Every day is a fight...every day! In some form! I’m so tired, I’m so upset, I’m so done. I feel so empty