i am 21 and am more and more emotionally mature and "got used" to the life where my parents abandoned me. my mom still manages to guilt trip me from the other country she lives in that she did and does EVERYTHING and ALL FOR ME and i mean, she is the reason for all my mommy issues. lol.  and my grandma who raised me never cared for my emotional support (i am more hers) and sometimes guilt trips me that she raised me and i am not grateful enough. she always put first her toxic partners ... (rn she is f*cking with junkie who even drugged me with meth when i was like 16/17 but she rather ignored it. he even drugged my dog when he was alive)

my attitude and behaviour and vulnerabilites are clearly showing that I AM NOT over the fact that i was never someones 1st.

i guess, people are not something to put into "top 10 people i know" lol but...i mean... When you have a child, it should be your 1st, right?

i often feel like i should "deserve" time of my dearest friends (don't want to spend time with them when i am not in good mood etc.) even though i think i am always there for them

i am often the listener but have big trouble to allow myself be the one sharing my vulnerabilities...when i do, i will do it while being drunk and then really fegret it cause it is not authentic and it feels humiliating. 

sometimes i convince myself they are not my friends and start to think badly of them and have this impulsive urge to push them away (did many times, guess i learnt my lesson but still have tendencies to do it) 

all of my close friends have partners and that makes me feel kinda disposable too.....

many friends told me that my life feels like "main character movie/book tragedy"...today i heard it from my close friend who doesn't really show emotions so it touched me and... i don't know i guess my background sounds way more tragic than theirs and i don't want to indulge in self pity and burden them...and i just don't know how i should grasp it. it doesn't make me special that my past is so tragic that its the most interesting part of me lol. 

my first and only love didn't work out because i craved constant validation. so in response of that event i guess j shut myself even more, so i can be more "likeable". its weird that i am over that breakup too (2yrs ago) but i can still see how it affects me untill now.

and i worry i will never manage to have "healthy" relationship 

eh..

TLDR: i am realizing that i was NEVER someone priority (not counting the fact that "you" should be "your" first priority)

if you read this, i am truly sorry for rusty english.. i tried