So this is going to sound really dumb to some people on this planet. But I guess I'm lucky?

I live in the Netherlands. Last year I began work at the local university in my town. I really like the job, the money is okay, and the people I work with are cool. One huge perk of working in education is that I have a lot of free time, and by a lot I really mean a shit ton. 

This school year alone I had 5 weeks off spread over the year. Today my holiday starts...it's 6 fucking weeks. I'm not a teacher so I don't have to prepare for the new school year, I'm just free. So in total I got like 11 weeks off every year... And it's payed.

When I was younger (I'm 33 now) I used to love this. Just relax, chill with friends, smoke a lot of weed etc etc etc.

This year is different.. I broke up with my girlfriend in February. Really still hurting about this tbh. I feel alone most of the time. My circle keeps getting smaller, people move, people grow up and have kids; you know the deal. I also 'broke up' with my psychiatrist because we didn't see eye to eye. I couldn't really be honest with him and he didn't really get my issues. Some of them are indeed a little strange (I do graffiti and sometimes I feel really ashamed when I do this, it's usually out of anger, sadness or when I'm scared) so I get it; but still it's really fucked up.

So now I'm scared of being alone this whole summer. I got some things to do, took on another job for two weeks (graffiti again; go figure) but I guess I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I'm in the process of getting a new psychiatrist but it's going to take a while because of the long waiting list in tm country. The fucked up part is, is that my ex girlfriend lives in my street so I'm for sure going to bump into her someday.

There are some positive things. I stopped smoking cigarettes after 15 years. I also just bought a car and if everything goes right I will be a uncle for the first time in my life in about two weeks. I also do volunteer work every week.

I'm also on Wellbutrin to help me stop smoking. I also don't know if the anxiety that I'm feeling is from the Wellbutrin or that it's just natural.

So yeah, I'm guess I'm spoiled? Part of me hates myself for being such a bitch about this free time. I think 99% of the world would trade with this extremely privileged position that I have.

Right now I just want to trade with somebody who is happy to be honest. Fuck all this free time.