i am 32 and today was hard

i didn't get full night's sleep past two nights. have been using these hookup apps out of lust and loneliness. stared at them for hours and hours, feel like i've rly spent a good chunk of my life on them anyway. couldn't get anyone to meet me, got blocked, etc. and then i was going to go meet someone and sent them money for it and it was not their real address. i did a search on their number and found out they have lot of legal troubles. someone not worth meeting probably but i wanted to be dominated

anyway i am gay and this is not the best place for someone without a car. i work, and i pay to live, etc. but my mom was still yelling at me after i left my room because i was recording too many shows on her dvr. and i was like literally couldn't even speak i just went in my room and turned off the lights and sat under a blanket. i do think i've got a good support network available to me in the buddhist community online and even perhaps locally but i'm either not sure how to tap into it or i have just turned away for some reason

i don't want to continue like this. i recognize that the thoughts i have are not helpful, but i am not able to control them. i quit all recreational drugs a few weeks ago and i expect to be successful with this as long as life lasts. i do intermittent fasting and i was thinking of going back to a regular meal schedule instead but i've been doing it for three years and i think eating at night would feel rly weird. and i'd end up skipping meals before work i bet, so for now i eat one meal a day. i think i had a fairly troubled childhood into adulthood and found early buddhism five years ago and it has done marvels for me. the first two years at least. i think i am using it to try to cure all my problems but without a proper understanding of how that is to be done.

i believe i am really lonely. i met someone more than a few weeks ago and semi-dated for a very brief time and told them that i think we should be friends. turns out we still are friends but i still don't know him that well and, being lonely, i feel like if i bother him too much he won't want to talk to me. he's starting a new job tomorrow and has some continuing education he's doing 

i think it took a lot to find someone who will talk to me who i also want to talk to and might be willing to go hang out. who is also gay etc. i tried being a full introvert for a good while but now i am going out and trying to be social and it's stressful. i don't have that many hobbies or interests. hate my job, the pay, the lack of a challenge, the hierarchy -- i'm 32 and i feel like a lot of life has passed by and i don't have the financial or social independence that i desire. can't think of a project i want to pursue or a field of study. i realize thinking 'can't, can't, can't' all the time isn't helpful but i mean i get strong feelings of inertia, like 'this is the situation and it will remain or it will get worse'. i feel strong bodily feelings related to despair. 

\*the bottom line is that i view this as a situation that can be made much better but i feel like i am lacking the knowledge or tools to do it\*