Hello all, 

I've (26M)  recently been (partially) diagnosed with BPD and i've successfully pushed away the love of my life, for the third time in consecutive years, so this post will probably be a bit of a shitshow, honestly.

I always knew there was something different about me and the more i learn about BPD, the more "eureka" moments, followed by incredibly sobering "oh god who even am i" moments I have. Ive been recently reading the BPD survival guide and the first chapter reads like the author has been following me around in the bushes for the last 8 years. I have awful explosive reactions in relationships, i push people away, i use sex as a means of validation. I cant hold down a job, I suffered with alcohol and drug abuse. I hit every single note and it makes me feel like im some sort of strange mannequin with a painted on personality. In a way its really nice to know that there are others who feel like this, but in another way its freaking me out and makes me feel like a puppet to my constantly shifting emotions.

DAE look in the mirror and not recognize themselves? This happens to me constantly and i cant quite shift it. It makes me feel like a fucking psychopath, I constantly need reassurance and want to be loved, but am far too intense and clingy to allow any sane person to even attempt that, and why would they? 

I've been in love with this girl that I've known for a long time, and we finally got together 2 years ago, since then we've been on and off a lot and she also suffers from BPD, this can cause a lot of issues as we bounce off of eachother a lot and can have these horrible arguements or be very black and white with our thinking, i love her more than anything and we've tried to see other people but always somehow gravitating towards eachother. I have this tendancy to sabotage these relationships by worrying or catastrophising how i feel, It's happened less recently, but it happening less doesnt stop it from happening enough to leave a permanent mark. Theres something inside of me that just doesnt turn off. I cant turn my brain off and if i feel like im being attacked personally whenever i hear something that triggers me or something i dont agree with, the self awareness is honestly a fucker to deal with. I just EXPLODE out of nowhere and my mouth says things that cant be taken back, i can see and know that they're wildly irrational and wrong, but its all so spiteful and horrible and afterwards i just sit there and think, what the fuck just happened? where did that come from? She tries her hardest to try and help me, but for some reason i just cant accept it, i think that me not wanting BPD is giving me a bit of a mental block and i might still be in denial. 

I'm honestly not even sure what my point is with this post, but i just dont want to feel EVERYTHING all the time. I've stopped drinking and doing drugs and sleeping around as i KNOW they dont help me, everytime i feel like im in distress i just shut down, i havent eaten in the last 2 days and my positive thoughts are becoming weaker and weaker, as soon as i have an episode the first thought is suicide, everytime i feel stressed out i just shut down mentally and I feel like i have no one to speak to or that I'm bugging everyone or that everyone hates me. I live alone and honestly i've really been struggling to cope with everyday life for a while now. I dont know what i want to be when i grow up and i'm fucking 26. 

Does anyone else feel the same way? I know thats a silly question on this subreddit, but I would just like to know others experience with this because i cant shift the idea that im not going to be around to die of old age, like how can you live with yourself? how can you quieten the voices in your head when theyre so fucking loud? The way that I feel is debilitating, I feel like no one i know can really talk to me about it because they dont understand it. 

My doctor is giving me a referral (Again) to a mental health team and i need to be stern with how I'm feeling because i keep downplaying how i feel as to not seem fucking insane. I really need DBT but I feel like I'm not getting to where i need to be right now.

Sorry for the essay, I'm just a bit of a mess right now (and forever apparently). If anyone has any similar experiences please share them with me as i think they may help.