You might be thinking that weed helps you with this, but I assure you, it is prolonging your suicidal ideation and emotional reactivity. THC binds to the same receptor as anandamide (important for feeling joy and happiness) and after a while it will become severely down-regulated. Fewer and fewer of those receptors exist with prolonged use but they will come back with abstinence. Also it’s contributing to your panic attacks and anxiety, which is obvious to most people. Basically you aren’t feeling the full positive emotions you could actually feel. And your negative emotions actually override your brains more often.

The biggest negative factor that showed that a BPD patient wouldn’t recover is a substance use disorder. It will stop recovery in its place and effectively rewind any improvements in base line mood.

If you want to see yourself actually recover, you have to kick out substances. Or you just won’t recover.

But also keep in mind suicidal ideation is absolutely worst during withdrawal which can last up to several months with long term cannabis use. It is not a safe drug for adolescents or people who started using young.

Look at long term cannabis use and BPD brain scans, and the general correlations with lower prefrontal cortex areas. You have to wake up again and again from this, but there is no full recovery if you choose substances over your mental health.