I don't like thinking that I have bpd
I was starting to think: 'this is a typical behavior for a person with bpd, and it will help me feel something again, fill my 'hole', so I should do it'
But that's not who I am
I know that's similar to what you said (my therapist), about trying to not put labels on myself and my behaviors, and it took me some time to completely understand what you meant, because I was focusing more on how I liked feeling that there are people who can relate to the things I do, say and think, I think everyone needs validation every once in a while. 

I like what thinking that I had bpd for a while did for me and my thinking, I am much more aware of my thoughts now, and how my behavior patterns are influencing other people's. 

It's also nice to have a group of people who share similar feelings, history and behaviors, and are trying to work on being better people and not cause as much harm to others and to themselves as they have done in the past. 

But there's a lot more to it than just that

I do exhibit bpd traits, but only with certain people and in certain situations, and when I am not triggered into borderline I feel much healthier. 

For most of my life, I have focused more on trying to be a good person, and I think I generally am a good person, when I exhibit more of the bpd traits, I don't turn into a bad person, I just want to focus more on myself and my needs, I do become a more selfish person, and I think that is ok sometimes. 

Difficult situations, like feeling I'm being abandoned, or that my sense of control is being challenged, do trigger my defense mechanisms, which I think is normal for everyone. For me, sometimes that is by displaying bpd traits, and other times by doing something else. Example of when I didn't go into bpd behavior: my best friend told me recently that she does not want to be friends with me anymore because of something that I did, and that did not trigger my bpd, I did not split, I told her that I feel bad that she felt that way, and what she thought I was doing -in my head- I was not doing, and I just wasn't aware of how she felt at the time. I decided to just give her some times. I think enough time has passed, that I can talk to her again, but I've been occupied with my own things to deal with. 

I've been thinking about my thought pattern and ideas recently, and how they relate to bpd. Before realizing that a lot of the traits I do show at times are grouped in a disorder called bpd, I didn't want to fill that hole all the time, I wanted to just be a good person, I sort of believed that everyone had that hole they needed filling, but for me, it's just more intense (most of the time), and I still believe that that is true, and I thought that just because I have it doesn't mean that I need to fill it, I should try to help other people fill their holes and hope that they fill mine as well, and I think that's a healthier way to look at it.


*Not really venting, just not sure about the flair, and I'm worried that I'm not mentally strong enough -after all the contemplating- to handle any comments challenging my current thoughts.