I don’t think I am historically prone to depression. I’ve always had it pretty easy and life has almost always worked out in my favor. My life isn’t perfect but I never hated my life.

I was in a 2.5 year relationship with a woman that I was in love with. Our relationship was very tumultuous. She broke up with me and I don’t blame her - we lived together for 7 months and it wasn’t compatible.

After she broke up with me, I was pretty depressed and anxious. But I had hope I could lift myself out of the depression. 

She told me she was receptive to things in the future and she still loved me. We talked most days and hung out once a week for the next two months while I tried to win her back. Then, while I was in a foreign country, she texted me that she was done and to stop talking to her. She said some horrible things to me (go fuck yourself, I don’t care about your mental health, your existence bothers me, etc). I never got any real in-person conversation for closure. 

I am devastated in a way that I did not realize was possible. I have spent almost every day the past 100+ days sobbing, crying hysterically, confused and hurt beyond belief. I am unable to find joy in almost anything and struggle with basic things like eating. The past 3 months have gone up in smoke and are a blur. 

When I get overwhelmed, thinking that I cannot handle this level of sadness and wondering if it will ever end, I often find myself telling myself “I’ll just fucking kill myself”. I find that the option to end the pain brings me a level of comfort. It’s a way of reminding myself that there is actually an end to suffering. 

But here’s the thing: I don’t think I actually want to die. I know it’s a permanent “solution” that I can never take back. I do not want to ruin my family,  and I do not want to traumatize whoever finds me. But I do use the option as comfort. 

Would this be considered passive suicidal ideation? Anybody have advice bringing this up to a therapist? I am obviously hesitant because I know how serious it is. I feel like I should bring it up so I can nip it in the bud. 

TL;DR
I am severely depressed after a traumatic breakup. I soothe myself by reminding myself that I can kill myself. Is this suicidal ideation? How do I tell my therapist?