I feel like my life is a constant struggle, as if I was swimming against the current. Since I was 10 years old I feel like I have been struggling to live. My high school years were full loneliness and depression. I hated myself back then. My collage years were kind of good but I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, fear, self doubt, low self esteem and depression. Today I'm dealing with loneliness, yet again, self doubt and fear of the future. Everything I did since I graduated high school feels like it was for nothing. I left everyone I met and I forgot half of the things I studied.  


I tired of feeling like this, when I watch someone else they seem to go through life like it was butter. Everyone has their struggles but It seems like they can live rather easily. When someone has a problem they usually confront it and fix it.

Since last year I feel like I have taken all the wrong choices in life and now I'm regretting them and paying the price. Everyday feels wrong, I keep wondering what if things went different, how would I be now? Would I be happy if in those days I said other things or acted a different way? It feels like I'm living in a parallel universe were things went wrong and I hate it.  


I'm so fucking lost in my life now, I don't know what I like, I don't know what job do I want to have, I don't know if I'm good at something, I feel like I'm going to feel alone for the rest of my days, happiness feels like a feeling that last a only few hours. 

I would love to be happy, love someone, have a group of friends that I can go out with more frequently, have a job that I like and that pays well, feel like I have a purpose in the world, have a phone full of messages again, wake up every day with energy, be more confident, feel like if there is something to do I can do it, without self doubt.  


My days are wasted doing nothing, everyday I wake up late, I eat, I spend all day in social media, watching useless entertainment, maybe Ill apply to some job that I don't like and I feel like I wont be able to do and then I go to sleep late. I try so hard to have a healthy routine but I keep failing because I have 0 discipline. When I'm at home I feel like I'm rotting and wasting my day and when I go out I feel like I should be doing something of my life instead of wasting my days at home or going out with friends. Its like a double personality that  tortures me.