I've been held back from being normal my whole life because of problems talking to people. When I was a kid, I was just shy, but even without a suspected mental illness I had a hard time making friends because my classmates bullied and ostracized me. As I got older, despite being able to hold a few friendships, I noticed that my shyness gradually became more severe. Eventually, in high school I realized that I had all of the symptoms associated with social anxiety disorder: heart palpitations, jaw pain from unconsciously clenching it, trembling, anxious twitches, nausea, intrusive thoughts, etc..  I've tried to fake being "normal" but it comes out forced and it drains me so much. For years, I've felt like someone was controlling my body and they had no idea what they were doing. Every action I took was a conscious one because I scrutinized myself so closely. (The reason I never seeked mental help is because it's expensive.)

However, one summer I decided to try meditating, and it worked wonders. I meditated every day and all of my anxious symptoms started going away. Along with that, I would snap myself out my thoughts by describing my surroundings. Finally, I felt like I had achieved the "normal" most people have. But then school started and I didn't have as much time to meditate and I eventually fell back to my old habits. I noticed that I became anxious when I started daydreaming a lot about being in a better life. I tried meditating again recently but I don't see the same results. Now that I got a taste of not being anxious, I feel defeated at the thought that my brain brought me back to square one so easily. So my question is, is it possible for something so severe to go away and come back like nothing? Should I seek a professional diagnosis or is this just a state-of-mind kind of thing?