 I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and GAD for more than a decade  now. I am leading a comfortable life with my wife who has her own share  of problems with anxiety. We love each other immeasurably and support  each other through the hardest of our times. I have been unemployed for 2  years now. Although I have half a decade of XP, it is is various  unrelated fields. My Resume is a potpourri which stinks. Anyway, we are  more or less happy with our lives. Lately I have been having some  problems. I am starting to think that slowly I may not be able to enjoy  my life much because I am losing interest in things. Some of the  hobbies/interests I have, have been listed below along with the problems  I am facing.  


Books: I used to read many books since I was a  kid till I got my undergrad degree. After that I have been unable to  enjoy books due to lapses of concentration and lack of motivation.  
News/Current  affairs: I have the working knowledge of most things around the world.  Many in my circle appreciate me for the insight I have regarding most  things that happen around us. All of it has been due to my thirst for  learning and knowledge. I USED to read a lot of pieces of news/current  affairs. I don't these days because of the usual nature of news these  days. It is quite depressing and it affects my mental health. So I try  to "unsubscribe" from any news. That way it leads to a short term  happiness. But at the same time I later get sad that I am missing out on  what's happening in the world.  
Failure of economic models in real  life: I hate real life capitalism. There is no trickle down effect.  There is only lobbying, monopoly/oligopoly and Jeff Bezos. I hate  Socialism that the countries that influence the world follow. As is  known, they become authoritarian inherently. And I have become sad  knowing the human rights violations in these countries. No. It doesn't  sound right. Socialism leading to human rights violation? Even  capitalism leads to that. Anyway, socialism is better than capitalism in  my eyes. US vs Nordic countries is a good example.   
Also, economic  models aren't efficient because they depend on the workings of an  individual. And an individual is inherently selfish. For example,  imagine you have a million dollars. You meet a homeless man and feel sad  about his situation. You selflessly give away the million dollars to  the homeless man. Are you selfless? No. You are selfish. You fed your  desire of seeing that man happy. You were selfish for your happiness.  Something. Moving on.   


Grocery Shopping: I used to love  grocery shopping very much. Just seeing new things, especially food  related things. I would never buy them. I am extremely thrifty. I just  used to like the trips to the supermarkets. I don't anymore. No  motivation to walk around and laboriously go through different sections.  I feel a bit sad about it. May be it is just a phase.  


Outdoor/physical  activities: I used to love playing football (soccer). After the  diagnosis though, I lost all will and motivation to play. I have gained  weight. I have lost stamina. And it has been years since I played. I  used to be an excellent dribbler, calm under pressure. Sucks thinking  about it. I also lack motivation to do any sort of physical exercise to  lose weight. I tried hiking, and found out that the effort to reward  ratio is very high for me (effort/reward is greater than 2)  


Football  watching: I follow a banter club. Arsenal. I started following the club  in 2004/2005 because of Jose Antonio Reyes. He died young in a car  crash recently. When I started watching, he was going to be a star. Then  Arsenal played against Manchester United in their 50th game after 49  unbeaten games. The fucking bastard SAF asked Neville and co to break  Reyes's leg, literally, throughout the game. Reyes was constantly  fouled. The referee turned a blind eye because he was biased. (Many are  still jealous of that Arsenal side. They rarely give them credit). Many  decisions went against us and we lost. It was a downward trajectory from  then onwards. From unbeaten season and golden title winners to 8th in  the league. Club mismanagement has given me and a lot of our fans a lot  of mental health troubles. I always used to get "stress poop" before  exciting matches and a heart and lungs made of lead. We often used to  lose those exciting matches with a goal margin of 3 or more. I then used  to go on half a day of silence, unable to open my mouth to speak to  anyone, going to bed and covering myself with a blanket to "protect"  myself and become a prawn. I finally grew wise and now I don't care  much. But at what cost? At the cost that it is one less thing I enjoy in  life much.  


Movies: I live in a country which isn't developed  in terms of infrastructure. Internet speeds are just catching up.  That's the premise. Now, I used to enjoy watching movies. I used to live  the movies I watched(?). Anyway, it was great fun. Back in the days  when I used to enjoy watching movies, the internet speed was 2mbps. I  still used to keep my PC on throughout the day and download movies  illegally. I watched almost all the "must watch" movies of the last  century? And many more. These days I am unable to enjoy them because of  lapses in concentration, lack of patience, fear of the unknown same yada  yada. Adding to it, I anyway don't watch suspense thrillers, horror  genre, and tearjerkers due to anxiety and bouts of sadness I would get.  So one less thing I do not enjoy these days. Btw, I like Paul Thomas  Anderson and Coen Brothers :')  


Songs: I now realise that I don't like the post I am going to make. I will try my best to not delete it.   


I  used to listen to all sorts of artists genre; amr diab, cheb Khaled,  burns boy, badically afro pop, hindustani, Carnatic, Celtic woman,  Marcelo D2, 90s rap, pop, Generic pop rock, hard rock and some stupid  shit like Slayer, anthrax and co (tried them didn't like). The reason I  listed all these is that right now I don't listen to music. Too bored.  Doesn't interest me l. Everything sounds the same. I haven't completely  given up. I listen to some Afropop. I listen to Rema often. But yeah I  am bored.  


Games: I used to play a lot of games. I am getting  tired of typing. I'll keep it short. I feel overcome by a sense of  loneliness playing single player games. I felt extremely depressed after  I completed God of war and Ghost of Tsushima. I felt so much loneliness. I am avoiding multiplayer  games because I have been having mental health issues with losing  games. Panic attack when I lose games. Shock. I played a ranked Age of  Empires 2 match today. I resigned within 10 minutes because I was unable  to cope with my opponent's way of playing. I haven't recovered yet from  the panic attack I got. Inside my chest, I have a Three phase  distribution transformer with ridges. Random. But the heaviness/weight,  metal, and ridges.   


Social life/activities: The city is under  lockdown for most of the times. It is for a good reason. But social  life has taken a toll. Also, my closest friend circle doesn't exist  anymore apart from one friend from that circle. Some issue with two  folks in the circle led to dispersion of the group/circle or god knows  what. So I have a very limited set of people, very limited, to whom I  talk. Often when they are busy, I feel very lonely. Also, making new  friends right now is a struggle. Opportunities are less.  


Self  image/esteem: I (often?) have a low self esteem. I am unemployed and  that adds to the problem. I have observed that I am not streetwise. I am  also clumsy and awkward in general. That too adds to the problem. I  think that my wife's side of the family considers me a good for nothing  bum. I am unable to shake it off despite my wife's reassurances that it  is not the case. I feel my own father is unhappy with me although he  doesn't admit it. He has given me enough signs. He is pretty passive  aggressive. Also.....I know for a fact that people don't like me in  general. They don't put an effort to keep in touch with me. Why? Because  I piss them off. I am socially inept. So they don't keep in touch with  me usually.  


Motivation: What about it? I lack motivation to  do most physical activities and most things in life. Thankfully, I am  motivated enough to love my wife and to lead a happy life with her.  Because of that I try hard to keep things that I can help with my  motivation, right. I coordinate with her to keep our finances assured?  (what is the word? We are extremely secure financially for medium term  future at least. A few decades). I coordinate with her to keep the house  in order. If anything involves physical activity, she helps me with it.  I am also extremely motivated to land a job.  


Way things are  going in my country: Our country is ruled by a right wing authoritarian  government in all ways. Things are pathetic. Bad HDI, no jobs, bad Covid  response, bad infrastructure, minorities being persecuted, yada yada.  As a matter of fact, it doesn't matter who rules the country. Most of us  think we are doomed. Pathetic scenes. Depressing. Hard to cope with it.  


So  yeah. I don't know if this post is coherent enough. I wanted to let it  out. I am scared that I'll lose interest in things. My greatest fear is  that due to my becoming a good for nothing piece of shit, my wife will  abandon me and go.