Throughout my life, I've always craved having a best friend or girlfriend to fill the void of my emotionally unavailable parents. I remember throughout my childhood I felt ignored, and unwanted by everyone. I've been abused emotionally, physically, and sexually throughout elementary and middle school. I never knew how to properly cope with hardships since I never had the right people around me to help me move on. But that's beside the point...

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I met a girl a couple of months ago and we really hit it off. Once we started dating life instantly became a movie, and I was the happiest guy in the world. Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were holding hands and walking around a pond sharing our past to one another. I said something about an incident that happened to me two years ago that lead me to get in trouble with the FBI, and she caught on. I told her the story before, it's just I warped the story so much because I didn't want her to think I was crazy or anything like that. She asked me if there was anything else that I wasn't honest with her about and I told her that my diagnosis was something more than just depression... I told her that I have BPD. 

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She also has a history of her past boyfriends lying to her, cheating on her, and stalking her. I believe this is why she broke up with me so abruptly, because I wasn't honest with her and she put a wall up on me so she won't get hurt anymore.

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After this, she calls me one day saying that she loves me and that I was her best friend - the next day she says she will never trust a guy who lied to her and that she wouldn't support me with my BPD. She blocks me off of everything. I don't want to get to into detail what happened other than I went ape crazy.

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Okay... here I go...

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I threatened to go over to her house without her permission (I never did, thank god) and I apologized for saying that. But then after, she texts a group chat that I was in to go to a beach but then she unblocks me just to say to not go. I was devastated. I texted her on GroupMe (we were in the same group chat for work, I was her boss)  and I told her more about my BPD, I told her about the fear of abandonment, I even went as far as send her a youtube video explaining the fear of abandonment, but she never responded. I was so angry that she didn't respond so I ASKED HER TO QUIT THE JOB. I WAS STUPID FOR DOING THAT. I was just so upset that she was still in my committee that I didn't want to see her anymore. I began texting her with a different phone number, I talked to her friends about her, and I even sent her an apology letter explaining how much she means to me and that I'm trying my best to change. I don't know if she ever read it, but now she's gone forever and it is all my fault. I should've stopped talking to her as soon as she dumped me but no, I kept on insisting and insisting to a point she wants no part of me whatsoever. 

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I am crushed, I really loved this girl. She wanted a future with me, and I pushed her away. I went borderline crazy. I'm just upset that I never had the opportunity to sit down with her and teach her about BPD. I'm upset that I pushed another romantic interest away. She was fucking gorgeous and I don't know if I will ever get a girl like her again.   

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At this point, I just want to survive. I had a suicide attempt a couple of days ago and flipped the car three times on the freeway but left unscathed. I am kind of upset that I survived but whatever... this is all I have to say