before being diagnosed, she used to encourage me to cry in therapy. would just stare at me and say “it’s ok sometimes you need to get it out” and then hug me. ever since being diagnosed (moved to online sessions cuz covid) she no longer allows me to cry. every time i cry i am having a “mood switch” according to her. and if i start off the session fine, and then get into a deep topic that triggers tears, then i recover from crying and go back to normal once we start talking about scheduling the next session or whatever, she counts it as 3 mood switches in an hour. not that i was fine, went into a topic that made me upset, then resolved that topic.

every time i don’t cry in therapy she tells me how proud she is of me for being stable

but fuck that’s not fair. i experience sadness and shitty days like everyone else. i’ve been dealt a shit hand in life. sometimes i just want to cry about it in the one space that’s supposed to “judgement free”

i guess when you’re bipolar it is no longer a judgement free zone. 

i can’t cry in front of my friends or family, and now i can’t even cry in front of my therapist. i spend a good amount of therapy with a giant frog in my throat cuz i’m so close to breaking down. so now i’m just back to crying myself to sleep at night cuz that seems to be the only place i’m allowed. or alone in my car