I'm 36,  i have my dream job, financial success, a great work reputation, highest grades in my school history, sought after by women........but in general i prefer to be alone. I have pretty bad social anxiety, something I just kind of accepted and didnt try to change. I am not opposed to long term relationships, I have had them in the past, but they never end well because most people want to be social. I can't tell if I sabotaged potential great relationships or if I should just accept being alone. I literally reject women because I don't want them to know the real me or disappoint them when I'm not able to go to all kinds of social functions. 

People think I'm weird for it. "are you depressed? what's wrong?" Sometimes I am depressed, but aren't we all sometimes? Sometimes I feel fine, and would rather just be home alone. Sometimes when I do go out with people, I can't wait to leave to go home and just browse the internet or watch a podcast. 

I feel so lost with who I am. I remember being a very young kid and the barber trying to spark a convo with me but i had nothing to say. I remember her making a comment about how weird it was - when in reality I was just being me and didn't know it was weird. I have a feeling this is in my DNA but i keep fighting it. I am one of 5 siblings, 3 of which are married. So i'm seen as the black sheep.