Ever since I was a little kid I've dealt with depression. I was beaten the crap out of by my older brother, tortured, humiliated, made to feel so small. I'm talking about having heavy objects thrown at my head, made to do pushups while he stood on my back, made to clean his room and have the trash dumped all over my head and told to do it again, being stripped naked and kicked outside the house. Just stuff that really put a lot of fear in my heart and gave me anxiety problems to this day.

Then I had a rocky relation with my mom, who had dealt with her own problems but took it out on me. She would tell me at the age of 8 I'm not her son (biologically I am). She would always tell me I'm not from her family, only my dad's. Real alienating stuff. 

I got bullied relentlessly in school up until half way through college since I was so full of fear all of the time I'd be so afraid of confrontation people would walk all over me.

And now, my cousin is telling my brother about parties but to not bring me, for what reason I don't know, I've never been rude to him or talked bad about him. What hurts me is my brother didn't say anything to him, and he still hangs out with him. 

I'm just so tired of the rejection, as much as I've worked on myself to try overcome or cope with the depression, it always creeps back. And now I'm in one of those times where the darkness just consumes my heart. I feel upset at the rejection, I feel upset at the betrayal, I feel down about everything in general. I'm going to drink on my own tonight just to get my mind off things. The depression was in my heart a few weeks ago to the point where I bought SAS survival books on how to survive outside as the thought of being alone and living like a hermit in the wilderness appeals to me, but at the same time I'm bound to society for needing my diabetes medication. 

I'm not expecting any uplifting support, I just want to vent. That's all.