I don't know if this was a good or a bad thing. I probably shouldn't have done it. I just wanted to make things right. The last time  I messaged them I was in a hopeless state of mind and said things I didn't mean.

I basically messaged them apologising for all my bs through the years and explaining my diagnosis. Trying to tell them that it's not an excuse for things I said or did but just trying to give a reason behind it.

I ruined the best thing in my life from the paranoia and impulsive thoughts. I thought the chronic emptiness I felt was due to the relationship when it was just me. They've moved on to someone new and are probably much happier without me... I feel like I've ruined my entire life. At the time it felt like the right thing, leaving them. I'm such a screw up.