I'm posting here in the hopes that someone shares my experience, or something similar, and can offer me some guidance. I've suffered from mental illness my whole life. I don't even know if this is the right place to post because I don't truly know what I have. I've been diagnosed with or suspected depression, anxiety, OCD, autism, CPTSD, BPD, codependency, and OCPD. All I know is I've tried so hard for the past 12 years to get better, I've tried 3 therapists, over a dozen medications, self-help books, spiritual teachings, yoga, and meditation, but I'm still stuck. 


Don't get me wrong, I've made a lot of progress but I'm still not able to function at the level necessary to be a productive and independent adult. Sure, I'm not stuck in my house because I'm so terrified of people that I can't go out. My whole days aren't scheduled down to the very minute to the point where if anything is out of place I lose my shit. I don't have to spend 20 minutes every day brushing my teeth because I'm counting how much I brush each tooth. But I have precious little self-esteem. I know my worth but I don't feel it. I'm terrified of being alone but I can't be myself with anyone because it's not safe. A day with a friend leaves me physically and mentally in shambles I'm so exhausted. My relationships fall apart because I pick the wrong people and try so hard to please them that I lose myself. I can't work because I can't adapt to changes and the social side overwhelms me or I can't focus. I shut down or lash out. I feel empty and hollow and disconnected. I feel fractured, like I'm not whole, like I'm constantly torn in different directions and I don't know who I am. Over the course of my life I've turned to food, video games, and now relationships to cope with the deep pain and shame of who I am and what I've become. 


I know why I'm like this. The years of therapy have uncovered how an emotionally absent father who was harsh and critical and an overprotective mother who never let me do anything for myself set me up to not believe in myself. It taught me how the fact that they were amazingly supportive until I stepped out of the box of who they thought I should be has given me an anxious attachment style that makes it feel impossible to trust anyone. How both of their overly judgemental and critical attitudes taught me to be that way towards both myself and others and leads me to be constantly dissapointed by the world around me when it doesn't live up to my expectations. 


I feel like I very thoroughly know the why. I just can't seem to make the change. There's some force inside of me that's too great. I say force because the typical anxiety description isn't quite accurate. I have that pit in my stomach, the shortness of breath, the shakiness, of anxiety sometimes but it's just this overwhelming feeling that I CANNOT do whatever it is that I need to do at the time. Then when I'm in the situation I can't get out of the flight or fight instinct and I think that's why everything is exhausting. Because everything feels like danger. Like life or death even.


I need help and the CBT and DBT I've been doing isn't working. I haven't wanted to say that out loud for years. There's so much that I've never said out loud. I trust my therapist of 6 years more than anyone but that's saying very little. I've never felt like I really had a relationship with him. There's too much I'm afraid and ashamed to say. I'm afraid of my shadow, as Jung would say. Even just thinking about finding help somewhere else twists me up. I have the fractured parts of myself saying "maybe I just need a new perspective, maybe it's not him" "it's definitely him, CBT is horrible, he doesn't know what he's talking about and you need someone else" and "you can't see someone else, no one else is safe and you can't lose him and not have anyone to talk to". He thinks it's because I'm stuck living with my parents at the moment. He thinks the toxic environment is keeping me from getting better and he might be right. But I can't get out without a job and I can't work or even drive most places until I do. I need to get at least somewhat better before I can leave. This whole thing is a roundabout way of asking if anyone has experienced CBT, DBT and medication not working and what has worked? I've looked into a lot of different types of therapy and I'm leaning towards Jungian therapy but I don't know. I also apologize if I don't respond to comments. Even that can be too exhausting.