(Trigger warnings for non graphic, nonspecific self harm mention)


Diagnosed six years ago, never had any type of therapy (not through my own choice, believe me. I’ve been on a CBT waiting list for a year, with another year of waiting likely before I see someone). Been coping by myself by improving my self awareness and working very, very, very damn hard to try to examine and control my extreme reactions to things, avoiding triggers, etc etc. Four or so years ago I was put on antipsychotics (chlorpromazine to be specific) for ‘rumination’. It didn’t help very much with the thought spirals, just made things a little... flatter, almost. Like someone was smothering my brain in a big, fluffy blanket, but not in a pleasant way, just a neutral  muffling way. Before I was on them, I was mistrustful. Not paranoid, just mistrustful.

I was taken off them back in january, with no replacement, and since then I’ve been faced with a new problem - rampant paranoia. I am so paranoid I feel like I can’t cope. For example, the other day I got paranoid because a man sitting next to me on the bus was extremely interested in mine and my partner’s conversation, so instead of pressing the button for my stop early like I usually do I waited until the bus was almost right at the stop. When I got to the front of the bus and started getting off, he jumped from his seat and rushed off behind us. That scared me so badly that I made my partner hide with me until he’d disappeared so far down the street that I could no longer see him. When I make a tweet on twitter, and a friend likes it, my brain screams at me; ‘they’re just trying to gather information on you to use it against you’.

Rationally, I know this is wrong. I know it’s irrational and paranoid. I know they, 99% likely, aren’t trying to gather dirt, or blackmail, or anything like that. Most likely, they’re liking it to express agreement or sympathy or some sort of solidarity with the things I’ve tweeted. This isn’t making it any easier. I don’t know what to do. Telling myself that it’s irrational does nothing to help, and it’s getting harder and harder and harder to cope. I haven’t self harmed for two years; I don’t want to relapse but some days it’s really a struggle because I just want that peace  - no matter how much I know it isn’t really peace, it’s temporary and will lead back to the truly hideous cycle I was in before.

When she took me off my meds, my doctor said ‘come back if anything changes’ but I can’t feel like I deserve to take up their time, especially because any mental health related appointments I have end in ‘I can’t really help you. I wish I could, so I’m going to write to the local psychiatrist’ and then nothing happens. She’ll get a letter from the psychologist in return that usually boils down to ‘keep us updated, she’ll get CBT in (roughly x months)’ This, combined with the view that I know medical staff tend to have of bpd patients, makes me feel like I’m only wasting time for our overburdened NHS and attention seeking. It’s probably important to note that for the first time ever, I have a doctor who I actually have a good relationship with, who doesn’t belittle me or put me down (while I know it’s common for borderline patients to feel like doctors mistreat them, it was repeatedly verified to me by outside sources who witnessed the way I was treated that I was, indeed, being treated inappropriately by my previous GP.) and who empathises with me, validates me and makes me feel like I deserve the help I so desperately need.

I don’t really know what I expect anyone to say to this, I just need to vent. Thank you for reading, sorry it’s all over the place.