So I've known for ages that I'm ace, but recently I've come to the conclusion that I also might be aro, or at least very heavily aro-spec. However, I'm still in a romantic relationship that I got into long before I realised this. (Am in a QPR too)

HOWEVER (x2) I ALSO have a lovely assortment of mental health issues that I'm trying to get diagnosis and treatment for already and I'm not 100% convinced I'm not just having an episode. I've been feeling really weird recently and backsliding into a lot of things.

One main thing I have the urge to do is just completely screw everything up. Sabotage my friendships and QPR, run away from home, and obviously breakup with my romantic partner. Get rid of all my shit and smash my phone. I won't, obviously. But I don't know quite what I would do if I were given a plain opportunity to do so.

There's always the possibility that I'm grey-romo rather than fully aro, but I still want to get out of the romantic relationship in case I'm just leading them on (I'm aro, not heartless). At the same time, I don't want to ruin the platonic side of it that I built up with them, and even nore importantly, what if this is also just part of whatever episode I'm having?

I *know* the rest of it is just the episode. (I've had many episodes like this before, just not as "but do you actually love this person??" as it is right now) But have I wanted to break up with my romantic partner for a while and am only realising this now? Or is this also part of the delusion and I'll seriously regret it later?

I know a relationship likely shouldn't even be on my list of things when I'm not mentally doing great. I'm not an idiot, I do want to look out for them. But I'm also conscious that I'm selfish and  don't want to ruin a relationship I've actually managed to build up successfully, whether it be something I actually desire or not. Plus I do know aro people can be in relationships even without romantic attraction, but they are sure to communicate that.

One thing I do know is if I had a choice now I'd likely be actively against chasing any romantic relationships, and I wouldn't have gotten with my partner (they're seriously sweet though they do have some issues of their own, it was largely because they and someone else confessed first and I liked them back {or at least thought I did??}, plus some other stuff)

But that was just speaking as if it hadn't happened already. It's a lot different because I DID make the choice to accept that relationship and get myself attached. Plus I don't really *regret* the relationship overall, just struggling now specifically.