Hi all,

I have always had a fear of time passing and loss, but I have been able to hide from it under the "safety blanket" of being under age 20. I considered adolescence to be kind of a "safe" zone where I didn't have to worry about what I was doing beyond preparing for the "after school" era (grades, college apps, etc).

This is no longer really possible- I'm turning 20 this year and I think it's a symbol of the sea of unknown that I'm about to enter. It won't be like a lightswitch... but the familiar surroundings that have cradled me will crumble, and I am suddenly responsible for writing "the story" that I've been "planning for" all throughout school.

Dear God, the terror. I don't want to die. I don't want my family to die. I don't want to blow my one shot at life. As sucky as it sounds, I want to surf the web, learn, be creative, etc for eternity. I struggle with being responsible for this singular, finite miracle of life I have been gifted with.

I fear living in the moment, for it just uses more time.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to make any sort of decision, no matter how small or large- but that feeds the anxiousness, because not making a decision is also making a choice. I feel like a twisted up mess. 

Many of you suffer far more than I do; I love you even if I don't know you. I appreciate you being vulnerable on this platform and I thank you for listening to my own fears.