I get so in my head sometimes, I feel like the world is just too big, too complicated, and too harsh for me. I let my thoughts snowball and suddenly I feel too sensitive, too shallow, and too immature to accurately form an opinion or make a decision about about pretty much anything. I dread knowing if opinions I have and decisions I’ve made are “right”. There are too many perspectives, too many opinions, too much to think about, and too many factors to consider. Particularly concerning ethics, social justice, interpersonal relationships, and upholding boundaries, I so often feel inferior and ignorant, I don’t trust my opinions, I don’t trust my experiences. I often assume I’m somehow mistaken or failing to see an important perspective.

I have comormid OCD so I really obsess over indecision and uncertainty to a great extent. I’m very careful about interacting with people who I’m not extremely comfortable with. I also have trouble responding to texts/emails when I doubt myself, or telling people how I truly feel when asked a personal question. But with an unpredictable mood, this hypervigilance can disappear and I’m more than capable of acting ignorantly, being mean, and pushing people away if provoked in some way. Unfortunately my family takes a lot of the heat when I do act out, mostly because we’ve suffered collective trauma and they often unknowingly trigger me. Immediately after, and very often while I’m still acting out, the guilt and the awareness of what I’m doing/have done  is both crushing and distressing. I also tend to view myself as an outlier, I view my behavior as fundamentally wrong and irregular, but also unique. 

Since I’m not currently in that mindset I can see this is a very self-centered way to think. I know that my breakdowns are a product of poor mental health habits and a lack of consistent (and specialized) treatment. It’s not because I’m some unredeemable, uniquely treatment-resistant person. It’s because I haven’t taken the time to build good habits, I haven’t had the opportunity to understand my trauma and heal. I want to take responsibility for my behavior when I hurt people. That includes excepting that I am not an outlier, my behavior is well understood in the psychological world, and there is proven course treatment for my problems. Instead of viewing my condition as inherently wrong or perverse and giving up on change, I want to better understand my triggers and work on acting opposite of impulse. I want to be accountable to myself and others by admitting that there is hope, there is a plethora of information available to help me, and I have the ability to change. 

It takes work to understand the world, to understand other people, and to understand mental health &amp; boundaries. As much as I want to do the work, read the literature, and truly commit to living a life I value, I struggle with self doubt and a serious lack of motivation. Mental health is hard. Sometimes getting out of bed is hard. But I don’t want to give up. I have to radically accept where I’m at now. It feels impossible figure out where I want to go in life when I don’t know who I am, what I like, or what I need. But I can take it in small steps. 
1. I want to feel happy and fulfilled
2. I want to better support my family members
3. I know I want to build better habits 
All of this is a million times easier said than done but I know just thinking about this is helpful. 

For those of you that bothered to read all of this, thanks for hanging on til the end! I don’t necessarily need advice but if this resonates with anyone or you feel moved to respond in any way please do! I guess this is a vent even though I clearly polished it up a bit :-)