Posting this here instead of the other sub reddit since it seems super aggressive even to a non bpd person.

My mum passed away earlier this year without warning. This is while I was in therapy to figure out my childhood which I hadn’t come to terms with before. I’ve had depression, massive anxiety and disassociation all my life.

She was diagnosed with bipolar over 10 years ago but it didn’t make sense to me... I think a lot of bipolar people were misdiagnosed back then when they actually had bpd.

It never seemed malicious to me, her actions always seemed uncontrollable and knee jerk rather than planned. Still difficult but I always felt loved and she was soooo much better in later years. So much I would never believe it if you had told my younger self how it would be.
I read on the types of bpd and definitely I think she matched the “hermit” type. She just wanted to protect me.


But it’s really fucking me up. It’s hard to both admit how hard it was for me as a child and understand how much I loved her and how she loved me. It’s very confusing. I feel like one takes away from the other and I need both.

I don’t want to feel like I’m blaming her by admitting how hard it was (even if she was doing her best and not really her fault) but I also need to know I wasn’t just too weak to deal with life before, it was my experiences. I always felt her massive pain as a child and that’s traumatising by itself and it’s hard to admit or understand that without feeling like I’m blaming her - just for her being in pain.

I don’t know if anyone has been in a similar situation who understands? I feel like I’m lucky and in a minority where the person with bpd is truly caring and not callous. But in a way it makes it more confusing.

Also as a side note I don’t want the bpd to define her but it was a large part of my growing up I feel. But how much is the bpd vs hard situations we were all in...