We’ve been together 6 years, seeing each other about 2-3 times per week. We moved in together but after 2 months, I got so overwhelmed that I told him it wasn’t working. We decided to take a break. I had no idea he had BPD at the time but I triggered him to say the least. He forced me to move out and broke up with me. He is now reaching out here and there, but every time he does, he tells me he hates me, he hopes I suffer, and that he loved me unconditionally and I didn’t appreciate it.

I wish he could see my perspective. Every day for 2 months, I’d hear negative comments about my clothes and makeup. He insisted on choosing my clothes for me every day and when I said no, I’d get raged at for not wearing something he approved of. Every day, he would have rage session either about something related to work, or sometimes an argument with me, and it would turn into a hour of yelling, pacing, punching the wall etc. He absolutely expects me to drop everything 100% of the time, be an absolute martyr for him, know the right answers for all of his problems, be a therapist, a doctor, emotional support, and life coach. He doesn’t understand that some days, I am tired too. I am stressed too. I am not an endless well and extension of him who was born to reassure him and validate him all day no matter what- I’m a person too. Sometimes, I’m tired. Sometimes I’m not 100000% compassionate. Sometimes...I get tired of having to reassure, support, give advice etc. Sometimes I get tired of his moods dictating everything. I get tired of not knowing if it’s ok to say something because I can’t predict the reaction. I didn’t know I was signing up to be a full time caretaker.  I thought I was getting a husband. 

Almost every day, he has some physical symptoms, ache or pain that he thinks proves he has cancer. He talks to a doctor and gets negative results, is calm for a couple days and then it starts all over again. When he gets a small cut, he expects repeated questions about the cut, and expects that when he asks me 5x a day whether it’s infected, that I won’t get annoyed even though it is objectively a small cut. 

He keeps insisting that he “only wanted me to dress the way people my age do.” Wrong. I’m 31. He wanted me to wear short crop tops and short dresses like teenagers do now. If I don’t, it’s either because I have a serious confidence issue or because I don’t care to make him happy. When he gives advice, I either have to take it or risk his wrath because it’s a personal offense to him if I don’t. If I don’t follow his advice, it’s because I’m weak, scared, depressed or anxious. He is always psychoanalyzing me - I have “severe depression” and “intense anxiety” and need medication and years of therapy according to him. He tells me how my childhood has caused me to be a certain way even though he makes assumptions that are absolutely not true. According to my new therapist....I have some codependent traits but don’t need psychiatry and seem to be managing myself fairly well with no need for medication. 

Now that he’s talking to me, he’s insisting that there is nothing wrong with him, he won’t work on himself, and he hates me. In the past, he was always willing to work on himself. It feels like something has snapped now and I don’t know what to do. I want to reconcile but at the same time, it feels like he doesn’t understand how intense he is and how hard it is to handle. After all this, he tells me I’ve never done anything for him as I don’t care. That’s the icing on the cake. I’m not a robot. I’m a person. I wish he could get that. I feel very lost and hopeless.