So, I have a good friend that I really care about,  but also have a lot of anger and resentment towards. I've had this general feeling of things being one-sided, and it's not just her, it's with people in my life in general, but she's kind of the last straw if that makes sense. A lot of my anger and frustration at the moment is general stress and feeling like things are not going right. So I am just going to bullet point things:

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Outside factors:

* Starting school next month. It's my last semester and then I will be graduating with my associates in Human Services (social work).
* Section 8 inspections/maintenance issues (anyone who deals with section 8 knows how tough that can be when it comes to the renewal process). Also I have pests in my apartment, black mold, dry wall peeling off, it's horrible. 
* Working on becoming my own payee

Trying to clean my place and not having any help.

These are things I've been working on to become more independent and I've been doing them on my own. I don't ask for help or really vent to friends because they either say they'll 'pray for me' which just pisses me off to no end, don't comment, or make excuses.

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In the case of my friend Aven:

* She never comes to my place. I always go to hers. She lives all the way on the other side of Bloomington Indiana and it takes me two buses to get there. If I do not get the bus before 6pm it takes me over an hour to get home because the bus runs once an hour after a certain time.
* She tells me she can't walk from the bus stop to my place. It's literally a block away.
* She has severe weight/health problems. As someone who has always been overweight I get that, or at least can empathize somewhat, but it's like quit whining and do something about it. Even if it's just walking to the mailbox. Baby steps, drink more water, DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN MAKING EXCUSES. 
* when I go over to her place she whines about needing help cleaning because her husband won't help her; he's a gamer if that explains anything. Like sits down, plays games all day, doesn't get up, on headset with his friends. Then she guilt trips, "Oh I wish someone would help me clean" in that indirect beating around the bush way that drives me up the fucking wall, but then you try to help her clean and she's standing over you telling you exactly how she wants things done. Very histrionic and dramatic.

she always wants me to come over and when I say can't she whine and guilt trips.

Going off on her:

* Her and her husband were arguing about doing the dishes. They argue every time I come over and I don't want to listen to it. I told them I didn't want to hear it and "what does it matter who does the fucking dishes, do it tomorrow".
* I told Aven "I'm listening to you guys fight over stupid shit while my apartment is falling down around my ears. When I tell you no, I can't come over that means no. You don't know how to take no for an answer. I'm not coming over until I get my stuff done."
* Going off on her today: Dealing with maintenance stuff, anxious as fuck because I am afraid they're going to kick me out for some reason (paranoia maybe, but you never know these days with these slumlords) and she messages me saying she had a nightmare with flashbacks, blah blah blah. Now here's where I feel kind of caught between "I'm an asshole" and "I don't give a shit": I told her I'm sorry you're going through this but I can't sympathize right now because I am dealing with my own stuff. Then I told her to stay away from me until things calm down and my prozac is back in my system because I'm out for blood right now. I seriously kind of want to pick a fight with someone and that's not me. Even if it's just to start an argument. Haven't felt that way in a while.

Final thoughts:

* I've been in therapy my whole life, DBT, and of course I am studying to be a social worker. I have a lot of insight on myself because I've done the work. Doesn't mean I'm perfect, but I am better at apologizing and taking responsibility at the very least.
* I'm 27 she's 23, definitely maturity age gap there. Also when I go over she always wants to drink and I just can't do that anymore. It was fun when I was 24-25, but I am literally trying to get my education and build a career and get off disability. I don't have time to party all the time.
* I need new friends closer to my age, but I swear it's like they smell my own craziness and don't want anything to do with me. Also people are just flaky these days and I can't tolerate that shit. Ghosting, beating around the bush, anything like that.
* I did apologize to her, but I know from personal experience you can apologize times before it doesn't mean anything. There is no excuse to say things in a hurtful way. I've always believed in the phrase, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it."
* The hard part: I know what I need to do. I have to move on I feel like, especially if the resentment is just going to keep growing. But I do love her, she's like family to me, and that makes this situation tough.

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Okay, I'm done.