Husband and I have been together almost 6 years. I have struggled with BPD, but he's my FP and most of my symptoms have taken the back burner during our marriage. I thought I was just getting better and growing, but apparently not. 

He was emotionally abusive for the past year. It made me feel crazy. Then he topped it off with cheating on me for the second time with the same person, which has completely broken me. There's no trust, I have a hard time respecting him and his boundaries, I feel abandoned, betrayed, not special, unloved, etc. etc. We've been trying to move past it. The general plan we have in place right now is a trial separation, where we only see each other twice a month. He desperately wants to make things right and has been loving and kind, but now he wants to focus on his new career that he loves and he believes that it will help him get sober and work on some other things he struggles with. Along with this, he has been spending time with a lot of friends and trying to focus on regaining his independence (we were both very codependent in our marriage and looking back on it, it sucked). I'm trying to accept it, because I am currently undergoing a lot of my own changes, including ED recovery, EMDR, and therapy for PTSD. 

Logically, I support him pursuing healthy things in his life. He is so excited and in love with this career path, and it's so wonderful to me how his face lights up when he talks about it. It's a trade, and I'm trying to physically show my support by helping him buy tools. He loves having the space to do his own thing and see his friends often, and it's making him come out of his shell again and do cool things, which also makes me happy to see because I know it makes him feel good about himself. Logically, I also know that this is temporary, and once we've gotten into the groove of our own recoveries and have found what we want our new marriage to be, we'll have the space to work on our issues as a couple and begin to rebuild and spend more time together. However. Every little thing sets me off and sends me into a low that I haven't experienced since I was an addict.

His friends get to spend more time with him than I do, and that makes me bitter and jealous. I cry when he talks to me about them, and have pushed a lot of them away since they used to be my friends too. Many of his friends are women who do fun, exciting things like burlesque dancing, stripping, oil wrestling, mechanics, raves, flow, etc. and I feel completely unsexy and boring compared to them. I cry when he talks to me about it. He has one friend in particular who he has said is the first person he's found that's as emotionally comfortable to cuddle as I am, and they spend a lot of time together. He told me last night that he'll only play pool (something I've been pleading him to do with me our entire marriage because I love it) with her along, and that he doesn't want to play with just me because I "suck" at it. He wants me to communicate these things, but I'm afraid to because the past year has just been "you're stupid", "you're weak", "get over it", "stop crying", "divorce me then" whenever I brought up my problems with him. He's not doing that now and has been very validating and supportive of me feelings, but now he's on this "I need to focus on this job" shit, so I really don't want to overload him with my problems and take his attention away from his passion (which I apparently am not anymore, yay!). 

I constantly feel like second-best and like everyone views me as just his "crazy, clingy, estranged wife" even though he's the one who fucked everything up. I spent the night at his house the other night, and the first thing his roommate said to me when I woke up was, "do you need a ride home?". I feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings or to communicate because he's been such a manipulative, controlling, gaslighting asshole the past year, and he can not grasp that I can't just get over that because he asked me to. There's this burning weight in my chest and I am constantly angry, hurt, bitter, crying, and psycho. I want to scream, throw things, hurt him, hurt the "friend" he cheated on me with, hurt the friend he plays pool with, hurt myself, push him away, divorce him (but not really, just to hurt him), run away, whatever. At the same time, I just want him to hold me and pet my hair and reassure me that we're going to get through this. I am terrified that I am going to stay this way while he gets his shit together and ruin our marriage forever. I'm so sick of feeling like this that I'm considering just ghosting him and anyone associated with him, but I know that's not healthy. I don't want to feel this crazy or exist like this. I can't stop myself from picking fights or crying, and I can't manage my feelings. 

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I don't know, that got ranty. I just feel crazy and I hate everything. However, I'd like to end this off by saying that I do have a regular therapist, I have a DBT workbook, I have a lot of things to try to cope or distract myself, and I am voluntarily going into a partial hospitalization program soon. I don't have real intentions of hurting myself or anyone else, it's just how intense my feelings are. grr