I have always had a problem with idealizing the past. I'm pretty sure this is a common problem for everyone, even those without BPD, but for me its almost tortuous. 

When I'm alone to my thoughts, they wander to the past two years which have been incredibly eventful for me. First love at Uni, broken heart, got back together, made mistakes and starting using drugs, moved states to be with a deranged father (manipulated me into moving so I could take care of my brother while he might go to prison) and ending up moving back home without a job and living with my parents again. 
I lost a fairly well paying job for my age due to my anxiety and I dropped out of Uni for a second time. I have been staying at my parents place since January trying to figure out what direction I'm going, and I have no fucking idea. I've just been harping on the past and beating myself up over the past mistakes and its still affecting me day-to-day. 

Currently, I am in a relationship and have been since I moved back to my home state, but this shit with the past is making it difficult. I reminisce when I am alone and doubt the decisions that lead me to this point. The two situations I focus mostly on are my ex and my father. Both of those relationships had toxic elements to them, but I only think of the good.

I have never forgiven people easily, and I think that applies to forgiving myself too. I simply don't know how to forgive the mistakes I made and to move on from them. 
