so this is mostly a celebration post.   
CW mention of sui, ideation, etc.  


for the last few years, guided by some spiritual practices, I've been working hard on my thought processes and understanding the distortions/origins of self destructive and self hating belief, or like diving in hard to my own beliefs about myself, other people and the world.   
Obviously healing does not just happen at the mental level and now I know the next steps are hard.  Doing more somatic or body based therapies to release the deep stuck emotional reactions associated with certain things, and just living my life and getting stable, including learning to accept help, make peace with working a "normal"  job again and open up to bonding with people more carefully, not rushing into things. Learning to trust and take care.   


Its odd because my life situation is a *complete* mess right now but for the first time in so long I do not feel suicidal or the urge to die.   
I went thru that tunnel instead of avoiding it and am still climbing out the other side but there is hope. Last month I got real with myself, went down to the river and said "Okay, you jump, you give up you end all this, and no one would blame you, but it would simply pass all your pain on so you can restart....or you CHOOSE to live, to stop caring so much about everyone else's life and opinion and put your SELF into this life."   


I almost could see a past self jump into the water, and said goodbye to them, let them dissolve. The choice was pretty simple  


Personality disorders suck and if I could snap my fingers and be "healed" I've often thought I would because it all feels so embarrassing. However, putting in the work works.  


 It has humbled me so much more than I thought I could handle to see the world in a less black and white light. That is the main thing, is shifting that sense of emergency or the thought pattern that there are BAD and GOOD experiences. I don't do yoga, meditate or exercise regularly though those things when they happen, are great. I'm just getting to know my triggers and needs. 

 But even in chaos and triggers and general instability, there is peace. I'm proud of myself for leaving the toxic place I was in, for doing a hard thing and breaking off a budding relationship that would have turned unhealthy fast, for taking my meds every day, for staying kind, for apologizing and learning.   
There is so far to go but acceptance has been the deepest medicine and I want anyone out there who is still in the dark, painful contraction of fear and emergency to know that it does get better. Or rather, YOU get better. Not more perfect or disciplined or cool, you just become a better person. You choose to. You have to. The stakes are high. And I didn't know what I was capable of until there was no other choice besides a total downward spiral.  
 And there ARE people out here who you can form less painful bonds with. People WILL help you, even though some of them will fuck you over.   


We are going to make it.   
Please hold on and keep being with yourself. I hope you all find every helper you need along the way. You are not broken and evil. We are capable of growing.   


I did not believe this a month ago. I didn't think "faith" had any meaning anymore. But now I see its just a foolish choice to keep trying and then you see what happens. I no longer need to see others in an idealized or demonized light, including myself. Like those thoughts happen but now I see what's going on and can detach from them. It is so freeing.   
Its not this subreddit but many different BPD and mental health subreddits have been instrumental to whatever progress I have made and I guess this is my gratitude post to the collective in the form of encouragement bc I do know how suffocating the lows can be &lt;3