i don’t expect anyone to read this wall of text but saying all this is somewhat cathartic. i work fridays saturdays and sundays in a spa and by wednesday i’m already anxious because wednesday is the day before the day before work. i visualise myself at work tomorrow and i just feel anxious. i’m fine once i get there apart from wanting to go home and being tired. my depression is a lot worse lately to the point where i feel disgusting within myself when i leave the house especially when at work. i’m conscious of my hairy arms, my ugly face, my weight gain from lockdown, my pale skin that goes all mottled bc i’m so white, my hair that goes all static because i get really hot from being worked up all day and anxious and i sweat a lot due to anxiety. i spent £200 on new makeup and skincare to try and make my face look prettier because i’m so self conscious, none of it works and the makeup just slides right off because i sweat so much. i take my clients upstairs to do their treatments 
and by the time we are in the room i can’t talk because i’m so out of breath from social anxiety and also walking upstairs lol. it’s humiliating and awkward because it’s really obvious i’m struggling, i try to play it off as my face mask making it hard to breathe. i also keep arguing with my partner which is making me even more anxious as i have nobody else to speak to because my only friend isn’t interested most of the time. i live 2 1/2 hours away from home so i don’t see my family, i haven’t seen my mum in 4 months and i miss her a lot and even then it was only for a couple of hours. my grandma rings me once every other week for half an hour or so which is nice but i don’t really talk to anyone other than that, my dad texts me every other week and i don’t hear from my mum a lot maybe once every 3 weeks. i feel so lonely, more than i ever have. i’m not registered with a doctor where i live but i have tried to sort that out so hopefully if everything works out i can see a doctor about getting prescribed something to help with the depression and anxiety and speaking to a therapist. i don’t have much hope because all i have is bad experiences, out of 4 therapists i’ve had only one helped me and that was 10 years ago when i was 14/15. i was on 10mg citalopram when i was 18 and that did nothing so since then for the past 6/7 years i haven’t tried. every breath i take turns into a huge sigh, my body feels worn out. i’m so exhausted with thinking the same thoughts over and over again. i’ve recently started exercising again which has been making me feel better, but yesterday and today were particularly difficult and i had to cut my workout short and funnily enough yesterday and today have been worse in terms of feeling down than the other days. i don’t do anything besides sit at home and go to work. i have way more to say but i just feel drained even typing it all out. i don’t even write these long posts for someone to read it’s just i have no one to talk to so it helps to express it. i’m watching friends and making a cup of tea because that’s always somewhat comforting, my mum would always make me a cup of tea whenever i was upset. i wish i was with her so i could talk to her.