In May of 2014, my father committed suicide. Following shortly after in June, my mother did the same. At 15 years old &amp; a freshman in high school, I was lost. My life was in turmoil and I was controlled by grief, pessimism, and cynicism. My parents decision taught my young brain nothing more than to give up. They taught me that detachment and escape were acceptable ways to combat pain. I begin self harming. I loathed my friends who had what I didn’t. I lost those I held close since elementary school. I began using drugs. I numbed myself. I harmed myself. I punished myself. I harmed and punished anyone who tried to get close to me. I allow my pain to wash away anything else life had to offer. My existence was nothing more than constant despair. Suicide was a screaming thought in my mind. My behaviors and actions towards others was a reflection of that. I was never taught emotion regulation, mindfulness, or healthy communication skills. I was a bundle of negative emotion with no idea how to process my traumas. 

It wasn’t until 2018 that I enrolled myself in a therapy program and finally took it seriously. I needed change. Desperately. For the first time in my life, I took responsibility for my own agony and sought professional help. In April 2020, I began my third attempt at DBT therapy, but this time I was whole heartedly committed to showing up and giving it my all. For 11 months I attended 3 hours of this specialized therapy a week, journaled, and completed homework assignments. DBT gave me a life worth living. DBT offered me joy, hope, acceptance, peace. 

DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy. It is a combination of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy, and Zen mindfulness techniques. This program consists of 4 modules: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation. Mindfulness teaches you how to be aware of how emotions are physically represented in your body. This awareness allows you to remove yourself from a triggering situation before you are in a heightened state. Therefore, allowing you better control over your emotional reactions. It creates awareness of thoughts, emotions, patterns, and reactions. Interpersonal effectiveness teaches communication skills, healthy relationship boundaries, empathy, self respect, and conflict resolution. Distress tolerance uses mindfulness to teach how to accept difficult realities non-judgmentally, open-mindfully, and effectively. This module includes coping mechanisms, skill sets, and acceptance techniques. Emotion regulation consists of teaching how to identify emotions, how to remain mindful, taking opposite action, and using distress tolerance techniques to soothe emotional reactions. The four modules tie really well together, but are extremely effective in being taught separately.

I found the main concept of DBT is to teach patients how to be in Wise Mind. This is the idea that our thinking patterns &amp; therefore intra/interpersonal skills are able to be controlled and properly regulated by using mindfulness techniques, therefore establishing healthy emotional reactions. Essentially our mind is divided into 3 parts: emotion mind - thinking &amp; reacting off emotional responses, logic mind- thinking &amp; reacting of pure reason, and wise mind- thinking &amp; reacting based on a healthy balance of both. Without emotion, one is apathetic and cruel. Without logic, one is sensitive and hurtful (to self or others) This combination of both allows a person to fully evaluate all parts of a situation before reacting. 

Learning how to regulate my emotions had led me to find peace. I treat others with respect and regard. I treat myself with patience and love. I am learning how to forgive, how to progress, and how to bring joy to the lives of those around me without being a burden. I have learned that I am more than what my trauma made me think I was. I have learned gratitude, appreciation, and unconditional love. While I am still hurt by the suicide of my parents, I understand that this will never be an option for me. I have found hope. I urge anyone who feels like life is hopeless to inquire about a DBT program. Life is beautiful, you just have to accept it. 
This has been my last week of DBT training. Next week, I start EMDR; an intensive trauma based regimen. I am scared to see what pain this brings forward, but more than anything I am excited for an opportunity to continue growing, to shed my years of pain, and to finally become the person I have desired to be.