I have always dealt with health anxiety but can go for long periods without issues.  A few weeks ago, I started having some symptoms that could be related to colon cancer.  I decided to take a home test to relieve my anxiety.  Big mistake as it didn’t go as hoped.  Now, this test doesn’t actually confirm cancer - far from it - but it is a potential indicator.  

I’ve now spiraled out of control.  Obsessively reading symptoms, then treatments and then, inevitably, spending time on a sub dedicated to cancer reading horror stories.  An hour on that sub and I’m planning my funeral.  Yet I keep going back. 

Clonozapam is doing nothing.  I spend half my day mourning my presumed death, the other half sobbing.  In between, I pretend to work but it’s really just pretend.  

This just sucks and it’s probably all in my head.  But knowing that doesn’t help me stop the obsessive morbid thoughts and it will be weeks before I work through the healthcare system and actually find out what is going on.  

Thanks for listening to my rant.