Two months ago I was having a really stressful time at my job and my entire family had just left on vacation for a month. All I had was my boyfriend and a friend I talked to daily. 

Then I just cracked. The stress of loneliness got to me and I lashed out at my friend. Described all the ways she failed me. It was just a bunch of splitting, dissociating, and projecting all wrapped into one. She didn't do anything wrong. She just reacted a specific way that wasn't in tune with how I felt. 

And so she cut me out and blocked me. Months of daily musings were gone. She left a hole that only she had filled. I had to mourn the loss deeply.  I still feel heart broken over it. 

These past two weeks suddenly my friend is participating more in online group chats and even responding to me. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to try to mend things. I still feel so much love for her and her personality. 


So I tried to privately message her on kik. I apologised for how I acted and explained how sad and regretful I was after I lost her friendship. She tells me that she didn't know how to respond when I told her that I didn't want to be friends.

That she's the same person as she was and that i told her that she's unqualified to be my friend so she's not sure what I'm looking for by talking to her or what i want from her.

And therefore so much sadness was had. She doesn't want to resume the friendship. 

And I mean... rereading those messages right now. I can't blame her. 

She did the very best she could as a friend. And I took all of it and told her it was meaningless and that the friendship was meaningless to me because she wasn't as self aware and insightful as me enough to respond to me the way I needed. Lol. As absurd as it sounds, I set the expectations way too high and was very self absorbed when I said those things.

I don't know what's different this week. I've been a lot more empathetic and compassionate to other people and have apologized to many. But I just don't think she's ready to forgive me. She might never be.