I’m new to reddit and this is my first post, but I was specifically looking to get on here to find others that have dealt with BPD. I’m sorry if this is to long or all over the place, but I just need advice from others that have dealt with BPD, because I’m lost and no longer know or remember who I am or was. 

To understand how I got so lost I guess you need to understand where I started. 

As a child I seemed to be in control, I constantly had emotions I didn’t understand but was able to suppress. I suppressed these emotions so much I ended up with severe depression and anxiety with debilitating panic attacks. When I first entered counseling that’s all they thought was wrong, I was depressed but could be fixed. After on and off counseling for years my emotional control began to get a little out of control. I didn’t feel depressed anymore, just empty and unmotivated, frustrated that I had no idea why I began to snap, cry, laugh at the smallest things. I was switching between 3-4 emotions within moments. 

Then about 7 years ago, the answer came and I was diagnosed with BPD.  This is the point where I began to lose myself to it, but I didn’t know I was. 

My counselors plan to help.... drop me as a client, give me no resources and send me out into the world alone and confused knowing nothing of the true struggle I was about to go through. Being dropped after being diagnosed felt like a smack in the face, I felt like I wasn’t worth helping, I wasn’t worth saving from myself. 

Since then I have not looked for help for my BPD, I’ve just been living. Now I’m just lost, I don’t know who I am or what could even make me smile anymore. BPD has taken over my life and I don’t know how to control it anymore. The emotional rollercoaster every day is a struggle and I feel as though my fiancé would be better off without me, because they are on this rollercoaster with me, same for my family. 

Now I just feel lost and out of control and I’ve begun to scare myself with my thoughts. Everyday feels like I’m in my own never ending hell and no one understands. I’ve been told so many things I’ve begun to believe them. It always begins with anger followed quickly by sadness and emptiness, these are the moments I’m losing myself to. I’ve begun to believe everything I’ve ever been told...

I am a monster. People would be better off with out me. I’m a waste of space. I’m broken. I’m crazy. I’m a failure. Even my accomplishments feel like failures because I could have done better, I could have cared more and made it further. I’ve begun to do shallow cuts and scratches in locations people can’t see just to let some sort of pain outside of the body take over for a minute and escape from my internal pain. I’ve been terrified of being alone, now I’m terrified I’m going to self destruct and hurt those around me more than I already have. I’m lost and don’t know who I am or where to go from here. I’m scared of going back to counseling because I think if I do, and the same thing happens again, I’ll be to afraid to ever ask for help again. 

I’m so tired of my constant internal fight. I’m tired of telling myself to calm down and stop but not being able to. I’m tired of feeling so many emotions at once. I’m tired of hurting those I love by my words and actions. Im tired of no longer knowing what true happiness feels like, and tired of wondering if I’ve ever truly been happy. I’m just tired of being lost. 

Where do I go from here?



