CW: talk of suicide, drug use

I just turned 41. Was diagnosed around this time last year.

I feel like I'll never get my life back. Not that I ever had it to begin with. 

The more I learn about this condition, it makes me question, how much of "me" is actually me and how much is the disorder? Who is actually driving the bus? How much control am I actually capable of having?

So far I can see improvements. I no longer get rage angry and scream at the the ones I love. I can still be an absolute verbal monster at times when I'm feeling abandoned or betrayed.

I'm terrified to fall in love again. I don't want to hurt anyone else, ever again. And if history repeats itself, that's exactly what's going to happen.

Love is my favorite thing in the world. I'm a lover to my core and to imagine a life without a somebody just seems so bleak and pointless.

I've been mostly unable to leave my bed for months now. The only relief I found was through ketamine therapy and that no longer seems to help anymore.

I'm just so lost, alone, empty, worthless and scared. 

It's like the longer I live with this condition, the more assured I become that I'll mostly likely end up taking myself out in the end. That's definitely not the outcome that I want but I don't want to live like this.

I know there is more to life than this. I used to travel all over and have amazing adventures. Now I just think of ways that I can make my death look like an accident. 

I'm near financial ruin over the impulsive spending and not being able to think clearly. 

I have zero drive or motivation. None of the things I used to love matter to me anymore.

I used to make art, music and intricate jewelry. I used to design, build and maintain all aspects of websites, from the server to the databases and code to the graphics and everything in-between. I've grown some of the finest cannabis this world has ever enjoyed.

Now I can't make myself do anything unless it has something to do with meeting someone I'm attracted to. And I'm attracted to so few people anymore. A mutual attraction is even rarer. 

When the stars align and I do find someone who shares a mutual attraction, I blow it by oversharing or acting all weird. 

I've only experienced TRUE love once in my life and she can't have anything to do with me because I've hurt her so much. 

I'm so full of shame and regret. I didn't fucking ask for this!! 

Thanks for reading...