******TRIGGER WARNING********
WEIGHT LOSS AND DRUGS MENTIONED
**********************************

I went through a traumatic event, a year and a half ago.
I've always had anxiety and depression, but after the event, my anxiety has only gotten worse and worse.


If it can cause me anxiety,  it will. And way worse than ever before and that is necessary for whatever happened.
And not to discount the anxiety that comes out of nowhere.

Each "anxiety attack" lasts hours. 

I hardly ever cried before. I HATE crying. Now it happens uncontrollably. And I am so freaking sensitive.  Today I got "corrected" by a coworker
 and if I didn't leave when I did, she would have seen the tears streaming down my face. And I wasn't even in the wrong at all. I just couldn't stop.



I've haven't been eating well. I hardly ever have my apatite, even while hungry. I work 11hrs a day. And usually will only eat one meal in a day. I've had body issues in the past.
 I've lost about 50lbs in this year. And in the past 2 weeks I lost 5lbs. And I was actually trying to eat better this week.



And my menstrual cycle has been weird (but it has been weird my whole life) but gynecologists are expensive.


Im on anxiety meds. I've only been on it for 4 months.  It seemed to be working well before. But my anxiety is uncontrollable now.


I feel like I'm only getting worse and worse. And nothing can help me. I can hardly afford food. Let alone a therapist. And what can they do? Tell me my childhood was f'ed up and breath more? I can't afford to miss work either. 


Although its ironic because I called out of work last Wednesday. And then left work early last Thursday because I literally couldn't stop crying. 



The only thing that helps calm the pit in my chest is Marijuana. But its expensive and I don't want to be dependent on it.



What can I do? I'm tempted to sign myself into a psychward. But really don't want to start begging for money from family and friends for it unless I absolutely have to. 


Why is life like this?