I’m 29. Don’t know if that matters. Been bawling my eyes out for a while though. I can’t keep my emotions in check. I like this person so much. They told me they like me a lot too. We’ve had a lot of deep conversation and I’m head over heels for them? 

What do I do though? I smother them. I’m so afraid of abandonment. I’m so terrified of all the kind things they said to me being a lie. And I hate myself so much. For so long I have not been in anything resembling a good mood, and along comes this person who just kinda gets me. I try not to put them up on a pedestal. I try not to put all this pressure on them. 

But tonight I had a bad night. I laid out a lot of my depressing bullshit that I keep bottled up and I’m pretty sure I’ve pushed them away to some extent. I tried reaching out to one of my friends but he ignored me. I just feel alone and closed off from everyone, but I feel like it’s my fault, and that I deserve it all. I just hate myself. Absolutely, wholly hate myself.