As most of you know, impulsive and risky behavior is one of the things that come along with BPD. Well when I was around 12, I discovered porn and was never able to give it up. I was kind of a weird kid growing up and was made fun of, so I think porn was kind of my escape. When I was around 14, my sister went on this rant about how all guys who watch porn are gross and perverts. When she said this, it stuck with me. It really hit me deep. So the more that I watched it over the years, the more abstract it got. I ended up getting really hooked on mature BBW porn. So much to the point that I can't even get sexually aroused by any girls my age. Becoming unbelievably sexually frustrated, I decided to see if I could meet anybody online. I've met with a handful of swinger wives from websites. Every time, I end up not being happy with it. But before it happens, it is what I want. Despite some of the diseases that I'm sure I could run into, I lose all care when I am there. Sex is the only thing on my mind. 

Fast forward a little bit more and I met this girl my age who I really liked on an emotional level. We are so alike in so many ways and I really do love her. I'll even catch myself imagining making love to her, despite there being little to no physical attraction. She is the only person that I have told in my life that I am depressed (I didn't feel like going into BPD and everything, so I kept it simple). She was so understanding and it made me love her that much more. I imagine all these things with her, but when I am with her, they all diminish. I lose interest when I am with her. Idk if it is because I am no longer attracted when I'm with her or what, but it is killing me. I have this girl who is into me and instead, I go home and try to find women online. 

I've tried to quit watching porn for about a year and I can't get past a week hardly ever. I just feel so empty and sad, and porn gives me that little bit of a rush. I'm so tired of it though. Anybody who has dealt with some kind of addiction, what is any advice that you learned? 