As I lie awake at night in my room engulfed in the darkness trying to sleep I can feel my hand run down my leg involuntarily. It rubs softly over my skin working its way down until it reaches my cuts &amp; scars. My hand stops moving and my index finger slowly reaches out and moves down making direct contact to a recent cut made 3 or so days prior. Slowly and quite harshly it begins picking at the scabs, I had carved into myself a pentagon with a pentagram not to symbolize some devotion to Satanism but to atone for previous sins. I was able to stop myself before I opened up any of my scabs but my hand will still regularly rub over it all again. I don't know why I'm posting this, I don't expect to get any advice that'll put an end to my self harming habits but I still wanted to share it just so that I could express myself and hopefully find other people going through similar things. I know of nobody that can relate and all my friends are uncomfortable speaking about the topic. I've fucked up so many things recently that have alienated me from so many people &amp; communities and I don't want to be lonely &amp; hollow anymore. I'm incredibly lost and plan to go back to cutting after I post this, I've had a fantasy for quite some time and hopefully, today at 2 am it can come to fruition. Maybe I took too long to receive help and now I'm broken beyond repair, I truly don't know. I can feel my mental state worsening every day as I start to develop into a maniacal masochist.