By the way I’m the one with BPD, not my partner. 

I would appreciate if anyone could respond fast because I’m scared of him finding this so I plan on deleting this sometime soon.

I’ve been long distance with my partner for a while now. A few months ago a terrible family emergency happened. I have never traveled before but I decided I would do travel to his state for the emergency. I was 19 at the time too. He’s several years older. I left back all my family and school and spent several months with him. 

One day while I’m there I find out that he’s been watching porn/jerking off to other women while I was there. He would do it in the bathroom. I had several conversations before that about how doing stuff like that made me feel incredibly insecure. I had caught him doing stuff like that before. He told me he would stop. When I found out I asked him why he did it and hid and he said “well I assume you’d be uncomfortable if I did it next to you in bed” and my heat kinda dropped. Then I said something like “after all I did(traveling across the country &amp; staying for months etc) it hurts that you couldn’t even stop doing this for me” and he snapped. I know that it’s kinda like me holding my visit over his head but i honestly don’t feel like i was being malicious. You can correct me if I’m wrong though. I did understand why he snapped. But to me it was more like... after I did so much for him he decides to disrespect me while I was just a couple footsteps away, it makes me feel undesirable. He didn’t have to do much for me to not feel so insecure. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not 100% justifying what i said, i get how what i said was wrong. 

He snaps and storms out for like an hour and then I get a message that said “if you ever bring that up again, we’re fucking over” and my heart dropped again. I always saw that as more of a way that he didn’t want to take accountability for what I found out and maybe he decided to shift the blame towards me? To me fair, i think he might’ve apologized but i always felt like maybe he tried to make it seem like i was the worst out of the two in the situation? I could be wrong though. Is it me or him?