I’m 15, so havent technically been diagnosed with bpd, however my last therapist sent me my reports and notes.. that i may be developing bpd and should get treatment. I have black and white thinking. Im totally unable to see the pros when all i can think of are cons, and see the cons when all i can think of are pros. If I had a good day.. i had the best day and life couldnt possibly be bad. But when something triggers me, I wallow and wallow and wallow. I also have generalised anxiety disorder, meaning i get overwhelmed a lot and very very easily. And this paragraph is me disconnecting from my emotions in order to creat some sense of backstory. But I think there’s something wrong with me. I think I am a narcissist. I find myself fantasising to be the best in the world and other times dead. I know i am manipulative. People have told me and that hurts and i was questioning why it hurted and i found it wasn’t because i hurt people but because people dislike me. I am constantly paranoid of people disliking me. To the point where i cut myself. I also have a father who is a narcissist and is incredibly verbally abusive. He refuses to put me on antidepressants (which has been advised by 3 professionals) and just some of the things i hear on the daily: arrogant, selfish, pathetic, weak, little bitch, crybaby, losing touch of reality, crazy etc, my mother is also somewhat narcissistic, but more understanding than my father. She still calls me names and stuff. She definitely relies on me for emotional support. But i get none from her. They are divorced. At one point in my life we were homeless. My brother and i have absolutely no relationship at all. Hes 20, and as much as my parents call him names i refuse to believe he is such a monster they think he is. Even tho whenever i stand up for him, he doesnt thank me. And he loses his shit a lot at small things. One time i did acid, and i hallucinated hearing him being on the phone talking to his friends about how he should help me and be a better brother to me, but then i looked in his room and he was just playing some game. My self esteem is so low, i look in the mirror and at times i see someone who is so much better looking than everyone in the world and at other times i see someone disgusting looking back at me. I hate my body so much that i sometimes starve myself. It doesnt go on for long because i usually end up binge eating after a 2 weeks of starving. As for school i hate it. Ive been trying so hard to leave. My dad uses it as control over me. He says that i can leave, and then when i dont do the dishes he gets cruel again. Im going to drop out when i turn 16, otherwise if i stay at that school i know i will end up offing myself because of the pressure and no motivation. I dont think i have any future. I am not skilled in anything, i dont do any extracurriculars, i just sit on my phone all day because I can’t get myself to do anything else, even if i want to.  I am creative but i dont even do art. Because i am too lazy. I am seriously considering suicide, im a suicidal person. I know i am coming across very emotionless in this whole thing, but im not. I cry so so much. All the time. And other times i really think im going far, that i have made progress, and then something will happen, my dad will scream at me, or i feel like im losing everyone or everybody hates me and i return to this state of mind where i am stuck in mud and i keep getting whiplash from my own thoughts and the words i hear or the mannerisms or facial expressions someone made. I think i am going crazy. I dont think i have any grasp of reality. Im too innmy head. Most days when i go out of the house i feel like im on drugs, and i feel so judged. Im terrified of judgement. And yet its what i crave from people. I constantly ask for peoples criticism of me, I constantly ask people what i could do better about myself, and yet when they tell me it hurts so much. I dont know what to do. I have no future. Im just really scared. I just really need a hug. But if someone gets close to me i will push them away. Thus why a lot of peolle call me icy. I have a reputation as being icy, manipulative, cold, the biggest drinker. If only people knew how much i am hurting inside.