
****TRIGGER WARNING: DETAILS OF ABUSE ****
Hi, there so to start,. I have been diagnosed multiple times with BPD throughout my adolescence and again as an adult. I specifically have a lot of issues with trusting people and being able to 
maintain any relationships, friendships included.  I’m trying to decide if I should cut off my grandma, my last remaining family member who has been recently triggering my severe PTSD, repeatedly. Something that is somewhat out of character. 


For background info I was severely psychologically, physically and sexually abused by my mother who has NPD until I was 16, i barley escape an attack that almost killed me &amp; I was then abused by another close family member until i moved away at 19.   I cut them both off for good several years ago and have been healing since. (I’m 21 now) 





 i have no other family besides my grandparents 

My grandma is the only one I kept in contact with because she had been in the past supportive (from a distance, lived in diff states) in most ways although I did/do resent her heavily for never “saving” me from my obviously dire abusive situation as she was/is very wealthy and had the means to do so.

My grandma claims to have not known about it but her story often has holes in it and remains friendly with her despite now knowing explicit details about my abuse, some of it being very recent and fresh... often I let this go over the years because she in fact was my only family member in contact with me (extended family on both sides are not in contact, their choice, never have been) my grandma was also typically loving to me as a child however as I got older she dropped more obvious criticism, usually disguised in some kind of backwards statement or compliment whenever I’d come visit but besides that pretty nice and ok to get along with? (((EXample: your hair looks great! It would look better if it was {insert hair color} tho!”))) While this was hurtful it paled in comparison to the constantly torture I was being subjected to in my regular day to day life so growing up I believe I really idolized her as my savior/mother figure which made being upset about these behaviors feel silly. 






Even before I told her explicitly what happened over the years she didn’t like my mother either, we bonded in our mutual dislike and she openly speaks negatively of her even to this day (despite encouraging I forgive her while also saying she’s evil(?))) and frequently sided with me when I spoke of my experiences. Strangely enough she maintained a seemingly good surface level mother daughter relationship in front of me and will have her as a guest semi frequently as well as send her photos of me currently and give our sensitive info like my address. Things I’ve begged her not to do because I genuinely fear for my safety and well being. 
I believe she either doesn’t truly believe my account of abuse or must have a severe inability to empathize, idk. 
living no contact with my abusers for several years has brought me a new lease on life and a true sense of freedom something that never felt like an option before, due to the years of abuse I’ve always been paranoid of being in my abusers hands again and moving to a diff state &amp; city greatly improved my mental health as well as my general feelings of safety. 



Fast forward to this year, I live in the same city as her, I hear from her semi frequently now but mostly when I have mail or for a brief phone call. However 
my grandpa &amp;amp;her dad died recently plus with her losing her job as well so I’ve been around more to try and be emotionally supportive in some way. 
Shit really got weird in November, after my grandpa died. My grandpas death was pretty traumatic for me, he was very sick with lung complications  for  as long as I could remember, so we didn’t do much talking and we weren’t close but he was my grandpa my entire life and still had a warm grandpa way about him up until the end as well as many sweet childhood memories spent at my grandparents house. 



The night he passed away I was doing psychedelics with my girlfriend, his death was a long coming one but also very sudden so I was obviously in shock to find out about it at that time but also very VERY very high on acid... but I’m the only close family nearby so I rushed over there, still high a fuck. 

I walk in and she runs to me hysterically crying, there’s 8 cops standing around looking uncomfortable to say the least and not saying a word. Behind this scene is my grandpas uncovered dead body in the living room. The next several hours his body stayed lifeless in the living room uncovered while police did paperwork and asked her questions. The most painful part was watching her sob while trying to laugh at the internet being slow as she was trying to find a funeral home online to send his body to &amp;amp;amp; attempting to Make small talk with the unsympathetic crowd of cops just staring at her. 
When she lost her job she called me at 2pm totally Obliterated &amp;amp;amp; threatening to kill herself (very unlike her) again I rushed over there and held her while she sobbed about her job and my grandpa. Multiple times she tried to make runs for it and I ended up having to hide her keys and phone By the end of the night. 
She never brought this up the next day and then a couple weeks later her father died


This was obviously a lot for me (and her) and I’m still processing it. 
Since then she had been increasingly unhinged, acting really bizarre (((ie.constantly passive aggressive attacks on my appearance or interests or jobs, arranging and rearranging everything in the house, starting fights for no reason and constant compulsive lying... all paired with a total lack of self awareness and sense of importance))) 
This is not like her at all.. I will admit she has been cruel in the past here and there in ways that were/are hard to understand but personality wise she’s always been relatively level headed and I never considered her to be an abusive person per se ....


Now I don’t know if this is grief or old age (65) or if I just never noticed how low key mean she is(??) regardless, this would all be frustrating yet fixable if it were the only issue. My Main problem begins with her telling me I should forgive her daughter, my abuser. This talk is frequent and not new but definitely being brought up and pushed more. 
I cannot stress enough the severe psychological toll this person (my mother) has caused me. I will be attempting to fix for literally the rest of my life. I have extreme PTSD and suffer from a laundry list of mental illnesses that stem from said abuse. She knows this, but insists I forgive and forget, telling me to make a better future etc etc. I’ve asked her many times over a course of almost 7 years to please not bring my mom up because it triggered extreme PTSD and was emotionally difficult for me to talk about at all in this time, atleast with her. She totally disregarded this and kept lecturing me to forgive her and speak to my abuser again consistently.

I told her this dialogue was offensive and it was not her place to say those things to me since it is My healing process which was on my own timeline.. nobody else’s.. then suggested we involve a professional if she insisted on bringing topic like these up against my will so we could navigate the problem easier without it blowing up (as it often does) instead of being receptive she flipped the whole conversation on its head and told me I need to have empathy for her and if it upset me so much she would just “not say anything at all ever again” 
We have had identical conversations atleast a hundred times in the last year, without fail every other time I see her. If we are in the car she will start speeding really fast and swerving the car a lot. (I recently got in a bad car crash last winter that almost killed me and have developed a fair amount of PTSD and anxiety with being in cars and especially speeding ones... she knows this.) 




These tactics are hauntingly similar to my abusers emotional abuse tactics and have been triggering a lot of dissociative episodes and PTSD 
And as I’m getting older her treatment of me is only getting worse. I’m afraid I might need to cut off communication with her to be able to heal properly but the idea of being totally alone family wise is horrifying to me. The only thing I’ve ever wanted as a child was a safe family and she was the 1 person to occasionally provide that comfort so it’s all so confusing emotionally. I cannot reiterate it enough, until like she 14 she was so loving and caring to me, the comments started once she found out details regarding my abuse 
Idk if it’s related but they fall closely in my timeline. She had a really good jobs, created beautiful art, educated me on a lot of obscure topics (space/aliens/conspiracies etc) she even used to print out fake letters from Santa for me when I saw her once a year for Christmas we always had a perfect grandparent relationship I felt. Up until 14-21 (present) 


I have tried so many times to bring these issues and built up resentment to her but as soon as she senses blame she shuts down. She has helped me a little with bills since I moved out too and uses money (and the fact that My mother bleeds her bank dry) to try and guilt me into being quiet ((((ie. “if I didn’t care I wouldn’t help financially” even when it’s literally the BARE minimum and she’s loaded.....)))I’m at a total loss, do I try to one last time tell her in full how I’m feeling via a letter or something or should I just cut her off entirely given that she’s been less than receptive in the past? Do I give her time to grieve alone and try again in a couple years? I’m so confused. A



 any feedback would be extremely helpful as I’ve been torn up with anxiety trying to make this decision for awhile.. thank you for listening taking time to respond if you do 
♥️