I understand why I lost them. What I did was awful and abusive and I recognize that. I am striving to be better in the future, but I just don't know how to cope. 

It started a month ago. Over the summer I ended up in contact w/ a past abuser and shit went down. He really fucked me up and i got into a mindset where i felt like i could not tell anyone about what happened, at least in any way that made me vulnerable. It slowly escalated to this, but I ended up lying to my FP. I've always relied on them for support but I felt like i couldn't talk to them. What I ended up doing is pretending to be my abuser over messages, and told FP a lot of what my abuser did to me. I just felt like I needed someone to know but i felt like i couldn't be vulnerable. I wanted FP to comfort me. I wanted them to hug me and tell me what my abuser did wasn't my fault. But i wasn't getting that. I said something even worse than i already had and made it seem like I was still in danger. FP wanted to call the police. I told them not to, or to at least wait until the two of us talked in person. I talked to them the next day at lunch at school and told them everything. They told me they understood, that nothing would change between us. They gave me the best hug they've ever given me and bought me a cookie. This all happened in a little less than 24 hours.  


But then over the next month they started being super distant, which made me sad and scared but i forced myself to deal with it. I told them from the start that if they wanted distance from me for the next while, or forever, I would completely understand, and that they just needed to communicate with me that they wanted that distance.  


Every now and then I would get really stressed and message them things like "hey man, you've got the full right to be hurt. Is there anything I could do to help make it better" and they would respond by telling me I was guilt-tripping them. When I asked them if they would like me to stop eating lunch with them they responded by saying "we'll find out eventually" which, i know means yes, they want me to stop eating with them. However, i was so desperate for it not to mean that i just kinda pushed it aside.  


Then one day they just straight-up started avoiding me and blocked me (or otherwise kept me from interacting with them) on every social media. I got really worked up and sent some messages which I really should not have sent.

![img](vubtdh54yls31)

They came up to me the next day and asked what I wanted to talk about. I was so suprised by this I stumbled over all my words and they just went "i'm never going to forgive you. do better" and walked away. They sent me the message below. I'm not stupid. Im done trying with them at this point. I need to move on. I'm trying to move on. But it's so hard. I love them so much and I feel SO guilty and I just want them to hug me again and care about me again but I know I can't. I know i need to do better. I don't even think i want to be near them at this point. I feel like i want to throw up from the guilt whenever I do. And part of me is angry at them for not communicating. They never told me that "i'm not their friend" they never told me that. I feel like i'm dying. I hate this whole situation. I dont want to be a bad person. I want to make people happy. Im so sorry. I just want to be good. 

![img](aiavdd0kyls31)