I had an online session with a psychotherapist, which I came to the morning after I’d had a breakdown and taken an excess of pills (around a strip’s worth of 30mg DHC) so at the appointment I was very drowsy and feeling pretty sorry for myself. But regardless I was there to talk. 

She asked me whether there’s anything that she should know before starting the session, and could tell that I looked down, I told her some of the things that were really upsetting me, and then I went on to tell her briefly about the night before. She told me that I had overdosed, and I needed to get checked out at A&amp;E. I argued that if I had overdosed than I wouldn’t be here right now, I’d just taken a lot of pills and got really really high. She really overreacted and decided to cancel the session and reschedule to next week. She said she was going to refuse to speak to me if I wasn’t in a state to speak honestly, which I felt was a kick to the teeth because I had been completely honest up to that point. She asked me why I did it and I told her my reasons. I was really upset because I’d had to drag myself out of bed to get ready for this session and when she told me that she was going to have to tell my doctor, I told her that I wish I had lied to her and that it was no big deal, if I had known that she was going to cancel I would have done much more. They’re never going to give me pain pills ever again now just in case I try to “overdose” on them again. It’s nonsense. All day I was getting messages from all sorts of people telling me to go get checked and it’s like what the fuck I wasn’t trying to off myself I just took a lot of pills to get high. She said she was going to do this session another day and I got upset saying that I wanted to speak to her but if she wasn’t going to listen to me then fine. I was incredibly stand-offish because I genuinely needed to talk it out after the night I’d had, and I wasn’t in a great place, but I didn’t get the chance to say this because she ended the session.

Anyway what I’m asking is should I have told her about it? Was it rude to not understand her cancelling? Was she overreacting? She doesn’t specialise in substance abuse so I don’t really feel like she’d be the right therapist if she’s going to cancel sessions and report me every time I tell her I’ve got really high. I have BPD by the way, and I’m aware that it can cloud my judgement of things.

Thank you for reading. It’s a bit of an essay. I’m dreading seeing her next week since I feel like now she will have probably labelled me as a very difficult client. Hmm.