My BPD has reared its ugly head again. I have been doing fairly well for the past couple of months; that is, until my boss sent me an email and I snapped. I replied to the email, letting most of what has been on my mind lately do the typing. I didn’t curse or say anything rude, but it still rendered a meeting with her the next day. I am surprised I didn’t lose my job. I’m surprised I’ve only been fired from one job. My fiancé and I had a bit of a tiff last night over it. “You complain about every single job you have had since we got together,” he said. You’re right. I have. I feel like I am taken advantage of because I work hard and don’t complain. I also get nagged a lot about making small mistakes. I also don’t like when other people get preferential treatment. I guess I’m too fucking sensitive. I know I take things to heart a lot, even when I shouldn’t. I let people rub me the wrong way. I am extremely empathetic; I hate seeing people sad and I hate confrontation. I feel ​too much.​ A lot of times I can’t explain what’s going on in my head (it’s all over the place), but I can tell you how I feel, unless it’s one of the days I feel really empty. I tend to self-sabotage and I have next to no self-esteem. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and at almost 31 years old, you’d think I’d have it figured out by now. Sometimes I feel useless, like there isn’t really much I can do right. One small fuck up and it’s back to the drawing board. I told my fiancé last night that I wish I could see myself like other people saw me; when I look in the mirror I see a monster. “You’re a damn good person, you have a good heart, and you need to stop trying to conform to what other people want you to be,” my best friend tells me via text. “You are unique as fuck – always have been.” I’m glad I have my best friend in my life. My fiancé is beginning to understand my ticks and glitches, but it will take him a while to completely get it. I know I shouldn’t let stupid shit stress me out – it’s not healthy. I just want to get to a better place. I’m tired of feeling like shit and I’m tired of complaining.