With a few months out of undergrad, I \[22F\] finally ran out of things to distract myself with and am trying to look at my mental illness head on. Currently undiagnosed (though I don't know how much that matters) and seeing a (my fourth) therapist. I'm on the waitlist to begin a DBT skills group, which my therapist believed so strongly would save my life that she told me she wouldn't work with me if I wasn't participating in that group (and she didn't say that in any vaguely manipulative way, but more of a I-really-don't-think-I-can-keep-you-okay-without-this way). I won't get off the waitlist for another 6 weeks, which puts me in mid-November, and I honestly don't know if the shape of the life I have today will survive the next month and a half.

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I'm ***deeply*** damaging (probably ruining, but I'm trying to keeping this fatalistic headspace from controlling me, so maybe I shouldn't say that) my relationship with my partner, who I recently moved in with and is probably (okay, 100%) my FP. I don't know what I would do without them. We are planning a future together, and I'm constantly terrified they will tap out and leave me. I'm not doing *any* work at my job, which is one I hate anyways, but I'm literally spending the entire day lurking on forums like this one and reading about DBT and trying to figure out what I can do to stop this. No matter what I do, every night is hell. I've started having episodes (still not sure if that is the right word) at my desk at work. I'm surprised my coworkers haven't picked up wind that I haven't been doing anything; I'm writing off just enough emails to maintain appearances. I am somehow so discouraged by how I know I will never be able to articulate the pain I am in to anyone. It's mine and mine alone. I'm trying not to get drunk by myself every other afternoon after work (I had about a 2-week streak of 2-3 drinks \[I'm a lightweight\] beginning as soon as I got home at 4 p.m., and sobering up just in time for my FP to get home) but it helps me forget my day and keeps me from directing violent thoughts at myself. I want so badly to get in my car and drive it far away, maybe drive it into something. I called my mom last week to try and gather a little more history about our family's mental health to give my therapist, and she told me for the first time that both her mother and her grandmother were hospitalized for suicide attempts over their lives. My mom told me she wanted to kill herself when I was 14. If I don't stop this, I'm going to push away my partner in life and everything we have worked for together, and they are going to resent me. I've thought about trying to move in with my parents so I wouldn't have to work as much and could focus on my health, but I would still have to pay them rent, I would be in a long distance relationship with my partner, and I would lose the health insurance I have now that's allowing me to pursue treatment...so there's clearly no point in moving home. 

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Does anyone have any self-care tips that have helped you survive very dark periods? Should I start keeping a mood diary even before my official DBT therapy begins? I'm just trying to get through the next 6 weeks, and then however long it takes after that to really implement what DBT therapy will teach me. 

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**TL;DR I need to know your quick tips for holding your life together.**