This is really long but I just need to get this out..

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I feel anxious every minute of every day. I can’t focus on anything. Nothing helps. I’ve gone to therapy for years, I’ve tried countless medications, I’ve done so much self help. Some of these therapy techniques have helped somewhat over the years, but not enough. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take that my chest constantly feels like it’s going to explode. I’m tired of going to psychiatrists who keep prescribing me fucking depression meds for anxiety disorders when I continuously tell them they do not work for me. I tell them I don’t need help with depression, I need help with ANXIETY. 

My last psychiatrist appointment, I broke down in his office and told him I’m constantly having real flashbacks, not knowing where I am, thinking I’m back in that moment again, feeling like the event is happening again. I told him I can’t stop having obsessive thoughts and I spend every minute of my fucking life obsessing, worrying, and “what if what if what if” in my head over and over and over. I can’t sleep at night. I’m struggling to focus in school. I can’t work anymore because everything feels triggering. He told me I will eventually grow out of it and I will “just forget” about the traumatizing events that caused PTSD. Im 26, and my mom first took me to the doctor at four years old because she saw signs of OCD. They told her I would outgrow it and did nothing. I haven’t outgrown any of this shit yet, why do I keep getting told this? He proscribed me prozac, which I took for two months and made me MORE anxious and seroquel to sleep which didn’t help me sleep at all.

I have been to at least 12 psychiatrists over the course of my life and more therapists, counselors, group therapies, outpatient, and inpatient programs than I can count. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle these doctors. I can’t handle these fucking doctors who just think everyone has depression, that I just need a Zoloft, that I’ll outgrow it, that I just need to have a good job and a husband and I’ll feel fulfilled and won’t worry about anything anymore, that I’m just a woman and “women tend to be more emotional”, that I’m “too young to have all these problems”, or that I’m probably just a drug seeker. Yes, these are all fucking things I’ve heard. I wish I was lying. I wish I was exaggerating. I feel like I constantly have to say that because I feel like I am NEVER HEARD.

I can’t take anymore of this. But my OCD won’t allow me to off myself because “well what if you fail? What if you end up a vegetable? What if you end up disfigured? What if there really is a Hell and people who commit suicide go there and you have to be burning in a fire for all of eternity? What if it upsets your family so much that someone else kills themself because of you?” What if what if what if. That’s all that goes through my head, 24/7, 365. I wish I was fucking exaggerating. So instead I spend every day hoping I will just die already and I imagine my death in various ways. I feel like I’m in a torture prison I can’t escape from and I’ll never get out.