Some background info: I’ve struggled with my mental health for years. I am diagnosed Autistic, ADD, generalized anxiety, and major depression since my teen years. 

My mental health has been on a downward spiral for years now. I’ve desperately needed to be in therapy but my nearest clinic has ghosted me. So I’ve been without support. 

My boyfriend offered to help me on my therapy journey initially by setting up an online appointment for me with his therapist. He is far away… like — and I don’t want to receive judgement for this — but he lives in another country. I worried about being able to pay properly, being able to be referred to a psychiatrist if need be, the fact the therapist was male, and also my boyfriend’s own personal therapist. 

So I freaked out last minute and backed out which very much so upset my boyfriend. And understandably so. I just had too many worries and it made me panic.

That was back in December. 

Very recently, he’s been in talks with trying to set me up with his therapist again. But nothing concrete has been made. Just he and I talking about it as a last resort. 

I came across a post about BPD this morning and something in it… clicked with me? I can’t say what sparked it but something in me needed to know more and look into it. 

So I started researching symptoms. I messaged a friend of mine who’s been diagnosed with Autism and BPD and asked her what sparked her diagnosis and what it was like to live with BPD. She sent me a PDF of a book her therapist gave her. ‘I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me’. I began reading and resonating with a lot of what the book was saying. I made a joke to her about my therapist ghosting me and she gave me the number to call for her own therapist. 

I called and started the process to start with an appointment. 

I came home to tell my boyfriend and his reaction was… bluntly, hurtful. I told him a lot of my experiences coincided with the book and research I had done. He then accused me of self diagnosing. 

I told him I didn’t know for sure and there was overlap in things that could also just be symptoms stemming from my Autism or ADD. But I wanted to investigate it. 

He told me I should want to go to therapy to better myself, not “prove theories”. And that I’m going into this therapy appointment expecting a certain outcome. That I shouldn’t focus on it or really bring it up. 

I asked him if he genuinely thought I wanted to have BPD or wanted yet another mental illness tacked onto me. That I want pity? 

He then accused me of setting up an appointment with this specific therapist so I could get a BPD diagnosis. Never mind that she was relatively local and could provide me resources better than an international therapist. 

He then again said I was self diagnosing myself and it wasn’t productive or beneficial. I told him I felt incredibly unsupported in this. 

He got very insulted and said he’s tried to help me get set up with his therapist and it’s tone deaf to insinuate that. That he is supportive of me going to therapy. 

I told him that wasn’t what it was about. That it was discouraging that I found this thread, I found something that feels like it’s a part of me and something I want to find answers for but he’s being so dismissive. 

He said it was my choice before telling me he was going to let me go for the evening. 

I don’t know if I have BPD. I’m not asking for answers here. But I feel like I’m going through this entirely alone.