Hi, uhm, idk how to start.At the strat,I want to apologize,english isn't my native language,so sorry for grammatic mistakes:So,ok I'm a 14 yo and I've been depressed since a year or so. Before last summer,I was a fairly normal kid,I meaan,I was probably pretty weird and I only had one good friend,but I was ok,I had everything I needed.For sure,I wanted to be a bit cool,and have like ''have the cool clothes'' and not like a caro-patterned       t-shirt but it was fine.

Then,in late spring,I got a pc. It was really cool andI had a lot of fun with it.But then in summer when the holidays started,my parents decided,that I shouldn't bee the whole day on the pc.I...tricked themand still was on the pc,because I needed that online time and I had the oppertunity to do it.But my parents found out and took all of the electric devices I owned .I did't know,what to do but I got them back pretty quickly and...who'd have guessed,I still used them when I shouldn't.And because our neighbour is good with electronics,he tolled them to get an app,where they could set timelimits,that I couldn't just avoid.

It worked,but it send me down a path,I'd have loved to avoid.I don't remember too well and because of that happening all the times,my parents not only don't trust me,but also think I'm doing that on purpose and that I forget things they said just to make them angry,even though I don't.They are angry all the time and make me feel very bad for things,that I can't control.What I can control though,is my productivity and I can tell you,if there's a chance to avoid my chores,I'll take it happily.I do things,that I should do only when theres only very little time left,which is also partly due to my bad memorie.Like for example rn,I have to write an whole 1.5 pages long text for tomorrow and I don't even know,what to do.Don't get me wrong,I feel very bad and sad for all of that and also or especially for my parents but I just can't do it better.The best thing I have ever achieved,is a minigame-time that is in the top 50 for a game with millions of sales.

Back to when the app came though.I then proceeded to watch YouTube the whole day on the switch and play that one game I talked about earlier.It did make me feel better but then,it would be noticed after a couple months and everything was taken again.In this time I felt worse than ever before.I was having suicidal thoughts almost the whole time and I tried self harm.At this time,I should mention,that I don't have any good friends...I think.I really don't know.I can't empathies and I feel like shit and always out of touch.From time to time I'm overeating,then I eat very few things at all.My sleep shedule is also very bad.I go to bed at like two am and have to wake up at six.I had times,where I sleept more than double of that but I was still not feeling better in the slightest.Its also getting worse,bec I now have to put my phone(can't do too much with it anyways because of the app) and my switch to my parts every evening.That really gets me down.Not having that relaxation when when watching YT and forgetting about my life and my problems.

Thats basically where I'm now at: When I'm home I only watch YT and spend very few time with my family.I hope  I die soon but I'm too weak to do it myself.I can't stand up for myself...or rather not for my''real''me.Everyday I'm putting on a mask so everyone thinks I'm ok.Then everyone thinks I'm an agressiv extrovert,when it is the opposite.I also bottle up my feelings and beacause of that I rage pretty quickly,but I can't cry.I haven't cried in almost a year now and my eyes reandomly feel like they are filled up  with tears even though they aren't.I feel tired and numb all the time+ I have social anxiety which makes talking to anyone about regular stuff very hard.Also,I've told nobody how I feel and I often tell myself,that I don't have depression and that I just want something to talk about(even though I won't do that),because I still feel somewhat joy,when I accomplish something,like drawing a picure for fathersday,but I'm never happy with it.I don't want to sound dramatic in any way,but the only thing here for me is somebody who I met online who's also depressiv and who wouldn't know,why I don't answer him,but time to time I feel like,he abandoned ME ,because he doesen't answers within like a week or so.Because I bottle up my emotions,I have times in school,where I just want to kill everybody I don't like (quite a few) and that doesen't happen too rarely (but atleast not too often ether).There are so many things,I still haven't talked about and I won't but thanks you for you're time if you read this text untill now and I hope you're time isn't too hard.