I'm sitting alone in my room in the house that we share smoking weed and I don't know what to do. He was basically my whole life. He was emotionally manipulative and we weren't a great match. I know that, I understand that, and I knew this would end eventually. It has in the past several times but we've always made up. 

We won't make up again.

Because of my BPD I blacked out when we were screaming at each other (this is the first time that's ever happened to me) and I said some really terrible things to him. I told him I hated him, to go fuck himself, and that I hoped he would die. I don't remember saying these things but he told me I did and my roommates said I did too (they would never lie to me about that or be malicious, they're my dearest friends in the whole world and they love me very much). I feel horrible. 

He left, obviously. He said he didn't know where he was going but he was gonna find somebody to stay with for the night. He was saying some really nasty stuff to me, and I couldn't stop myself from saying the meanest things I could to him. I told him there was no way we would ever be friends (in the past he's expressed how important it is that we stay friends once we go our separate ways in life) and I basically just attacked a lot of his personal insecurities. He did the same back to me.

Like I said, I feel horrible, but I truly don't feel anything at all right now. I'm completely apathetic towards the entire situation and it's scaring me. I'm usually a mess when this happens, crying and having panic attacks and begging him to forgive me and all that fun stuff, but right now, I'm completely apathetic. I'm really scared for what's gonna happen when I wake up tomorrow and how I'll feel. I don't think we can fix this; truly, we shouldn't. We aren't a good couple and we emotionally drain each other. But he's my FP and I can't comprehend how I'm going to live without him, and I think that's why I might be so apathetic.

I don't want to deal with the fact that my biggest support system/basically the center of my life will no longer be there. I'll have to move back into my parents' house, which will restrict my freedom. I'll have to rebuild my life. I don't think I can do that.

I'm sorry for rambling but this feels like the end of the world to me. I want to wake up in the morning with everything back to the way it was before all this happened. I actually just stopped typing this to text him I'm sorry.... I wish I could control myself around him. 

Does anybody have any advice? Have you gone through something similar? How do you ever begin to get over your FP/boyfriend/first love? What did you do to stay busy in the time you used to spend with your FP? I need some help.

tl;dr: My boyfriend/FP and I explosively broke up tonight for good. I'm having a hard time processing this right now but I know when I wake up reality will set in and my world will come crashing down around me. I would love some advice or kind words to help me through this. Thanks for reading.