Hi Everyone,

I just tried to destroy my relationship of 4 years. I think I push him away because deep down I think he’s better off with someone else. What triggered today’s episode is the fact that his close friend and the friend’s gf are actually reality tv show stars and he kept talking about the girl in particular and asked me if I wanted her to give me a ‘shout out.’ He’s also got another popular friend who’s been on tv and has a huge following. They’re all really attractive and most of his friends have tall , thin, blonde, attractive, model gf’s. The reality tv star one is also a model and has won beauty pageants. 

On the other hand I’m a complete nobody and a loser. I’m below average maybe average looking, I don’t have social media, I barely have friends, I come from a poor background, my parents were immigrants to this country, I was abused growing up and have always felt worthless and inferior etc. I was kind of offended when he asked me whether I wanted a shoutout because I felt like he was implying that she was above me and that I should therefore want her attention. It also felt like he was flexing his connection to her. Maybe I’m overanalysing. 

I feel sorry for my bf because he has me for a partner while he has to see his friends pair up with these attractive girls. The fact that he’s someone who cares so much about achieving things and being on top doesn’t help either.

I can’t imagine potentially having to  meet these friends one day, I’m already socially anxious enough meeting ordinary people. I pretty much called it quits today and didn’t say why  but he said we should have a proper discussion tomorrow. Idk whether to apologise or to really break it off. I just know that I need to stop projecting my insecurities onto him because it’s not fair.