TRIGGER WARNING

I want to do it. I want to finally put and end to my suffering. But the problem is, I can’t. I have no guts to do it despite every aspect in my life giving me a good reason why. I’ve tried to end it in 2019 but it failed, I ended up getting confined and then had to bounce back. But things never got better since then, it even got worse. And I’m tired.

I just want to end this cycle of getting better, but hitting rock bottom eventually. I’m not even sad anymore. I don’t give a single f on what people say anymore. They keep telling me I deserve better, and I deserve all the best this world has to offer but fail to show me. I always end up having to beg for something below the bare minimum from everyone around me—friends, family, special one.

I’m scared. I’m scared of talking to people now, knowing that they will never even step on puddles for me despite crossing oceans for them. I’ve always done this without expecting anything in return. But how about me? I’m human too. I have feelings too. I have needs to. I can get hurt too.

At this point, I don’t know what to feel, to think, to do. All I know is I don’t want this anymore. I want to go.