I need to get this out of my chest because I am pretty sure I am going to have a serious conversation with my parents and my brother about this and it’s going to be so hard to explain people w/o BPD all these symptoms. 

It all started yesterday. For the record, we are in a family vacation. I had an “accident” at an amusement park. I started to get anxious, but not enough for an anxiety attack. I called my mom and she didn’t care. That’s what triggered my first anxiety attack. I tried to stay calm and everything was fine. When I finally saw her, she tried to hug me, but I was mad at her because she didn’t fucking care. 

Second anxiety attack; followed by a BPD episode. I had a disagreement / discussion with my brother last night. He is a spoiled brat, that whenever he doesn’t get what he wants, tried to mess up with you and find a way to attack you (pretty sure he learned this from my mother.) I started hyperventilating and that’s how I know my second anxiety attack of the day was starting. My parents aren’t staying in the same hotel as we are, so I had to call them, have them pick me up, take me to their hotel and trying to find a hotel where I can stay for the night. All while I was having these intrusive thoughts “you are such a drama Queen” “you ruined their vacations” “it’s not possible you can’t solve this by your own” “you are so stupid for all of these” “now you see all the pain you are causing?” And more :)) 

I spend the night at another hotel and today I finally meet with my family. My brother was with my other cousins so I was fine with that. I didn’t want to see him. We were in line for getting into an attraction, and suddenly he was getting all the attention. How could my family be so cruel to me? They all know how he treated, all the drama he triggered on me, and he is having the time of his life while I am still dealing with all these stupid symptoms? The ones they say they understand but clearly they don’t. It’s time for the third anxiety attack in less than 24h :)) 


My aunt (that last night went to my brothers room to see what was going on. For entrainment purposes) made some comments regarding yesterdays accident. I told her to stop. She was still giving her unsolicited opinion. What literally broke me was when she touched me. She knows I hate when she touches me. She knows I get mad when she touches me. When it was finally our turn to get into our train, I decided to run and leave. I went to the medical department and someone helped me calm my anxiety attack. It’s funny how a completely stranger helped me calm an anxiety attack, only by being calm and asking me about my day and being empathetic. Nothing compares to my parents, that start yelling each other whenever I told them I am in a middle of a crisis. Maybe that’s a good thing, because I learned how to deal with these type of situations by my own. But only when I am in my country, my city, in my house. Home. 

I hate this disorder so much. You can be so fucking stable for months, years. And suddenly, something happens that it tears everything apart.