I take decent care of myself and my mental health, all things considered, but I'm not normal, I don't have depressive periods on top of a normal person, I'm fighting an uphill battle. I was suicidal when I was as young as 7, I don't have a basic foundation to myself where there was a time where I was 'fixed' and events, mental health, abuse, and time made me 'broken', my 'fixed' state is what a normal person would still call 'broken'.

I spent this last decade planning to 'fix myself', to 'work on myself' and to 'learn to love myself', I've come a long way but I think this is as far as I can fix myself, and that a part of my mind will always be broken. 

I don't want to continue putting my life on hold, I don't want to avoid friendships and romance because I need to 'love myself first', because I don't believe it's possible for me to be that way, at least not for a long time. I put a decade of my life behind me to fix myself as much as I have, but now I have no experience dating or with romance, no good ones.

I worry I'll never be at the state where I've 'fixed' myself enough for a healthy romance, I worry that I never will be fixed. I don't think I can waste another decade without a massive aspect of life and love, all because I'm born broken. I think I'm ready, but I know I will never be the person who doesn't break down over a missed text. I don't want to be that broken person, that person that's a burden to everyone I try to love because I never learnt to 'love myself'. 

I worry I'll never be fixed enough for someone who's normal to consider me 'fixed' enough for love. I am as fixed as I can be, I don't want to not be allowed to live and experience love all because I am born to be this broken, I want to live and love and be happy, but I don't know if anyone will believe I am fixed enough to risk it with them. I don't know how I'll be seen as 'fixed' enough to be given a chance, and I don't know how to convince people that this is as 'fixed' as I'll ever be.

I'm afraid I was born broken, and I will never be loved because of it.