I wish my mom never had me.
I wish for any other fate than the abuse
Trying to crawl of the effects of abuse and reraising yourself to be a person is so scary not mention that abuse also made me a perfect target for bullying at school because it made me weaker.
I feel like most people don't understand what it means to have been a broken child
Like you're a helpless porcelain doll lying in bed, tears falling down. You're broken far beyond repair by the people meant to love you, they tell you they hurt you because you deserve it, because you are stupid
You deserved to be bullied and abused because you are weak you made them that way.
I feel shame and shame and shame again.
Self hatred that fills me to the brim and I feel so disgusted that I want to vomit. I dissociate to escape hell, i lie in bed because its the safest space where it feels more comfortable, I have nothing left to give.
I've been holding on and FOR WHAT? WHAT is worth surviving all this, my mind is a mess, I feel alone, I wanted to die since the time I was 7 looking at our pill cabinet because THAT seemed like a BETTER option than rotting in this hell. Nobody sees you unless you have you shit together and look good and are up to standard. I'm stuck at home with the people who say they're  my family. I want to graduate and leave and crawl out of their clutches.  I want to live a better life, instead of this pathetic life I'm living