I love my boyfriend. So. Much. I go through intense phases of loving him and being obsessed with him. I go through phases where everything he does isn’t enough, “he doesn’t show his love for me enough”, and I nitpick and get angry and accusative of every action. 

I’m currently in the latter phase. It’s horrible and makes me so anxious and angry at everything he does. The moment he seems even slightly disconnected from the conversation or goes off to do something else my brain accuses him of not loving me because “if he loved me he would be completely here with me all the time, he would constantly show me he wants to talk with me and that I am the most preferable way to spend his time.” It’s horrible I know, I know it too. No amount of meditation, accepting my thoughts, forcing positive thoughts, deep breathing, or distracting myself helps. It just makes the thoughts and feelings more apparent than ever. 

Meanwhile it so easy for my boyfriend to be without me and be independent, like a normal person. It’s easy for him to go about his day doing regular things. I love the independence in him, yet a part of me almost takes it as a challenge to change him to be codependent to me. It’s HORRIBLE. Why does my mind do this? Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I enjoy time alone, time doing other things? Every hobby I used to have I find bothersome now. Why do I go crazy at the littlest things he does? Why does my internal world revolve around him, he’s important to me but shouldn’t be to THIS degree. 

I’m so frustrated with myself. After almost every conversation with him now I can’t help but feel a little disconnected from him because of how I’ve been acting. Maybe it’s him disconnecting from me because he senses I am anxious and angry all the time now. I wish my brain weren’t like this.