…last night I spent 3 hours typing a mega-post of my story only to lose it before posting.  I felt like I was doing something constructive, but now I despair to do it again, so you get this.

I (40M) have been dealing with depression and suicidal ideation since I was 8.  I was sexually abused at 7 and 11 (different cases).  I have two daughters (19 step &amp; 6), and separated from my wife (40F) since December.  The relationship ended because I physically assaulted her when I was mental unstable and we couldn’t reconcile.  I feel lucky to have had a second chance, but I still love her deeply.  Custody is 50-50, for now.

My support network is unreliable at best and non-existent at worst.  Therapy is not an option, because it could be used by Family and Child Services (FACS) to remove my child as I had to waive my right to confidentiality to see my baby girl again.  The last social activity with friends was March 6, 2020.  My family (4th of 5.5 siblings) all have there own issues and I can’t trust the gossip not to spread.

I am trying to live a stoic life in 2022, but I struggle with meaning and purpose.  I believe the joy in life is shared experiences, and now I am alone.  My baby girl is the light of my life and I intend to be here to see her grow up, but what is left after that?  

I need to do better, but I need a reason to continue on when will power alone is not enough.  Where do I start?