Throwaway for obvious reasons.

This past year has, without a doubt, been the hardest of my entire life. I’m 25 years old with an amazing partner and a beautiful child. In the spring of 2019, I got extremely depressed and anxious. This was a result of ignoring a lifetime of trauma. Up to that point, I checked all the boxes. I feel like I essentially white knuckled through life up to 24 and as soon as I graduated college and was faced with the reality that staying busy was distracting from the shit I refused to deal with, I broke down. 

On top of that, I was misdiagnosed with a mental illness I do not have and was put on medication that exasperated my actual diagnosis. Within 6 weeks I went from a successful, happy, driven, hardworking mother and creative entrepreneur to someone who could barely get out of bed to pee. Then, in a split second of solitude, I tried to take my own life. That was in May of 2019. I was hospitalized two separate times thereafter.

I think I’m providing that background info because I just want people to know I used to be good. But now? Now things are so different.  I’m not suicidal and I would never ever hurt my family by hurting myself again, but I am still not who I want to be or rather who I expect myself to be. I feel like I am failing as a mother every second. I haven’t made any income for our family in over a year. I can’t keep the house clean or do any of the fun Pinterest activities I WANT to do with my child. I am basically doing well in a week if I grocery shop, shower more than once, and peel myself off the couch to read books and play on the floor with my kiddo. 

Everyday, I set out to be better. I KNOW what I need to do to get the house under control. But it’s like I can sit and plan for it all day long and the next thing I know it’s 9PM and nothing has been accomplished and then the night comes. And it hurts. Because then I just sit there and berate myself. What is wrong with me? I have a second chance at this life. I have a second chance and I can’t even wash dishes let alone organize a laundry room or cook meals every night or run a damn vacuum. 

I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself anymore. I feel like a failure. And I feel like I’m just SCREAMING at myself to pull my shit together but I just can’t. No matter how hard I want to. I don’t know what to do anymore. I see my trauma therapist once a week and I will say, after committing to that for about 3 months it has started to help chip away at the pain. There have been tiny improvements in my ability to self regulate. I am grateful for that. I just wish I could make it go faster. I wish I could fast forward and see that I WILL be ok. But right now? Everyday feels like groundhogs day and I can’t figure out how to stop breaking promises to myself. I can’t figure out how to commit to a plan. The only thing I seem to be able to figure out is how to hate myself. 

I want to be the partner my SO deserves. They pick up every bit of slack I leave. I am so ashamed that they have to deal with me. I fear everyday that they’re merely trauma bonded to me and are afraid to leave because they don’t want me to hurt myself again. And sometimes? Sometimes, I wish they would leave. I wouldn’t be with me. I wouldn’t support myself. It breaks my heart to watch them bust their ass. I wish I could show them how hard I’m trying. I wish they could read my mind and see that I do set out with good intentions. I watch the relationship they have with our child and my heart hurts. I so badly want to do crafts and go to the pool and make all those memories...but it all feels so scary and exhausting. I get so caught up in knowing I won’t make those experiences perfect or I guess imagining that I’ll ruin them that I don’t even try. I suppose it feels less painful to simply shut down than to run the risk of causing any further damage. 

Ultimately, I guess this boils down to this. 

TL;DR: I survived a suicide attempt a year and 3 months ago but I still can’t function in daily life like I used to or how I want to. How do I even begin to fix that? How do I stop hating myself for not being able to “snap out of it”