I know I should probably forget like she wants me to, but those happy memories keep flashing through my mind, and the guilt of not being respectful in the end as this was my first time being discarded by anyone and with the death of my father immediately after it made me act out. We were together for about four months long distance, flew down to see her for the second time, went home and the devaluation and discard began. She said I deserved better, which is relatively true, and that she tried but it wasn't working for her and blocked me and went NC. I made the mistake of emailing her 11 days later a long lovey message pining for her in an empty way and she got pissed, had her best friend call me crazy and threatened a restraining order. I gave up contact attempts. Another 11 days pass and I got drunk and called a mutual friend, we had a relatively invasive "bro talk" and I sent pics of when we were together, he thought it was a great idea to call her and tell her to take me back, and when she wouldn't he told her everything I said so she'd get mad and text me. She went off on me, threatened me again, called me crazy and said she's terrible and there was nothing good about our relationship, it's pathetic I haven't moved on and I need to leave her alone. Blocked again and I've maintained NC since then and plan to. After all that, brewing over my stupid mistakes and what it was, I still care. Maybe that's what she wants but she explicitly said she hates me and said I'm a terrible person. I'm dealing with two types of grief and it made me feel lost and weak and had me acting stupidly, I blame myself a lot, maybe not being good enough, maybe for saying all of the
wrong things. Ultimately I want to be friends again, slowly and carefully, she made me promise her we'd always stay friends before she disappeared. She will NOT hear from me or about me, but there's a part of me hoping she can love me again as sad as that is. I'm becoming a better person and leaving her to live her life as she requested and that's the least I can do after all the toxicity I threw into the mix myself. 
Please be respectful of my mistakes, I beat myself up enough over it and I’m sorry to anyone wBPD that’s dealt with something similar to my behavior.