Trying so hard to not go back to getting intoxicated everyday, but I've just replaced unhealthy coping mechanisms with different unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I'm uncontrollably self sabotaging because when I was briefly doing well over the summer I got to a weight I was happy with without even trying, I just wasn't feeling the need to numb out. Now i feel like I'm going to lose it all so fast with all the food I'm eating. Im petite so even just gaining a couple pounds is extremely obvious, making my clothes too tight and completely dropping what little self esteem I had about my appearance. Im not even enjoying the food. I just can't stop.

I just can't deal with day to day life. I can do it for a couple weeks but I always eventually crash and feel a huge pressure like I need to escape or disappear.