I've been sobbing nonstop all day. Hyperventilating. Screaming into my mattress. Biting my wrists. Writhing about in bed. Unable to function. Typing this has been the most 'together' thing I've done all day. 

I wish I could just jump outside of my body and never return to anyone or anything in this life. I hate my life, I'm scared to die, I just want peace. I'm carrying around so much pain throughout my entire body. I feel so much physical pain from heartbreak, abuse, loss. 

I think I'm starting to really hate my family for not stepping in and doing something when I started showing extreme signs of mental illness 18 years ago. i'm so angry that they let their child turn into whatever this is. I've also been agoraphobic for 18 years. I hate that they couldn't figure out that their daughter was being raped every day for years. They adopted me, they spent over 100k to get me, then they just decided to not give a fuck it seems. Despite 7 years of sexual abuse and a lifetime of emotional abuse, I tried my best to never lose hope that one day things will get better. I'm angry that the boyfriend (34m at the time) I had when I was 24 taught me how to love, to trust and then essentially killed me for no reason. Since then, people have just been picking at whatever is left of me. I am largely numb, but when I'm not numb, I am spiraling, breaking down, splitting. I try so hard to hold onto the part of me that was (is?) so kind, loving... but I feel so much hatred.

I want peace, quiet, to feel safe. I'm sick of people blaming every human emotion I experience on BPD. I am extremely self aware. Yes I have BPD, but I am also human, and it's so fucking invalidating when someone is like "hm idk i think it's just your bpd" - I saw a post on here the other day saying that it's extremely easy to abuse those with BPD because everything we feel is just written off as BPD. I can't even tell what's real anymore. I genuinely think one of my therapists gaslights me on the fucking regular because of it. No one takes me seriously it seems. 

I'm so close to giving in, giving up. I so genuinely wish I had died so many years ago.