I’m sorry for this being long and sharing this on here. I hate telling people my thoughts and feelings but I needed to tell someone so why not here. 

I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of what I may do to myself. Late 2020 I broke up with my ex who was my longest relationship of 3 years. I don’t regret it. I didn’t love her like I used to and we haven’t talked since July of 2021. After her and I broke up another friend and I started seeing each other. I was truly in love. I haven’t felt love like that before. We both were in love. She lived in Norway while I’m in the States. I was willing to go to Norway for 3 months and figure out how to be with her even longer. 

A year Into our relationship, she broke up with me. She said she fell out of love. I don’t believe that though. It was during Covid so overseas travel was had. The distance for her was hard and maybe she thought me living in Norway was nothing but wishful thinking. I’ve never felt heartache like that. I felt destroyed and wanted to end it all but I knew I couldn’t. 

Her and I stopped talking for 6 months and on the 6th month her and I started talking again for a day. After a week she never responded. I found out a month later she died and a few months after that she killed herself. That was my breaking point. I wanted to die. Honestly I still want to. I lost my best friend and a person who I’m still  in love with. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of her. I blame myself everyday for it. If I was around those 6 months maybe I could have helped her. 

As of 4 months ago I met a girl on a dating app. A month later her and I started to date. It’s been little over 3 months now with her. Before I met her I was afraid I was never going to fall in love with someone again like I did my last ex. My girlfriend proved me wrong. I still can. It’s hard to find someone who doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs like I do. Who isn’t much of a partier and who doesn’t want kids. These 4 months have been the best months I’ve had in a very long time. 

I’ve been wanting to leave the town I’m living In now as of 6 years. It doesn’t feel like home. I’ve wanted to find a smaller town. My girlfriend showed me her town since we live in different towns. I loved it. It’s decent size with nice people. Her and I live over 30 mins away and traveling is hard with me not driving and winter coming up. I asked her if it would be fine if I moved to her town. She said yes. 

I told and promised her I wasn’t moving to her town because of her. I need something new. A new job and home. I’m not happy here with these memories. A few months ago when I asked if it was okay for me to move to her town she said yes and was excited about it, but…

Now she’s worried. She said she isn’t used to having someone she dates living so close and she’s worried I’m moving to her town because of her. I told her I promise it wasn’t because of her and told her I need something new. Yes I have friends in this town and none in the other but I barely see my friends as it is. It’s 95% of me wanting something new and 5% because of her I’ll admit and she knows that. 

I reassured her I can give her as much space as she needs and time alone which I’m perfectly fine with! She’s afraid I’ll make her feel forced to hangout with her (which I wouldn’t ever do that) or afraid if we break up I’ll blame her. Which i would never do that! I told her it was my choice and I’m doing it because I need to. 

After she called me telling her mom I’m moving to her town, she’s even more worried. She seemed distant and maybe scared over the phone. I told her I believe her and I can work out for the best and I can definitely see a future together. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me but she still sounded worried. I do believe her but my mind is always against me. 

If her and I break up because of this, it’s not her fault at all. She didn’t do anything and I’ll reassure her I didn’t move away from my friends to be with her. I’ll tell her it’s my choice. I wouldn’t blame her at all for anything I’ll understand and I told her that. 

I’ve been struggling with what I think is depression since 2020 and it’s getting worse. None of my friends and especially family know. My girlfriend knows I struggle a small bit but I’m good at hiding my emotions with jokes and smiles. I’m afraid to tell her how I actually feel inside. I’m afraid she will get worried and blame herself and blame herself even more if something happens to me if she leaves me. Which it wouldn’t be her fault at all. I would never blame my issues on someone especially someone I’m dating. 

I’ll admit I’m terrified of losing her. I love her and she means the world to me. I want a future with her. I’m just terrified now because well…she scared and that’s my fault. Scared I’m moving closer and she isn’t used to that. 

I’ll be living alone which I’ve done before and it was the hardest thing of my life. I don’t want to live with people I don’t know and this is my only option. Well here’s the end of this rant and what you who are reading this wants to know. 

I’m scared to death of my own mind. I’m afraid. I want to end it all. I want to tell people. I’m scared to tell my friends. I’m scared to tell my family and fear they will be mad at me. I’m terrified the most  to tell my girlfriend. I don’t want her to think it’s her fault and blame herself. It isn’t her fault. This is all on me 
She dealt with an ex who had mental health issues and I don’t want her to have to deal with that again with me. I love her so much. I hope I won’t scare her away with being closer to her. I’m more scared of what I might do to myself. I lost 1 person who meant the world to me. Losing her will definitely hurt but what could and will make it worse is me blaming myself for her leaving me which is the truth. 

I’m sorry for this being long.