After years of asking myself “what was wrong with me that l pushed everyone away?” I came to the conclusion that some people are not meant to be loved, not to be happy and not to feel fulfillment. After years of observing the same pattern over and over again, at first I thought it was other people’s problems that they didn’t know how to appreciate/love me and why they always ended up leaving or finding someone better but nope, it’s me and I have to accept that it won’t change. I doubt anyone will see me for who I am and I’ll probably always feel alone and unhappy with everything, empty, thinking that I should be the best and better than I am to be accepted and loved and that I cannot be my real self because it wouldn’t be liked, it has come to the point where I have pretended so much that I don’t know who I am, what I like anymore. Just like there’s people like me, there’s people that were blessed with being lovable most of the time, everywhere they go they just are those kind of people people can’t seem to ignore, it doesn’t matter what they do, they’re loved and cherished, some people may leave them but not everyone, not at the point of being alone (feeling alone is a completely different feeling) I cannot deny that I’m a little jealous over their likable nature.
Some days, even though I’m accepting, it’s still a little hard.