Hi guys,

Im approaching a big new path in my life and im really anxious about it. Got the need to talk to someone and relieve myself since Im a introvert person and cant really talk about my deepest thoughts and emotions except my girlfriend.

So, im 27 years old living in europe. I played soccer at the best team of the country since I was 10 till the age of 20. This means practice each day no days off for 10years somedays 2 practices a day. 

My soccer career went very well so I took a pause on my college education to go all in, got a Nike sponser with a lot of cash, played with the national team and was going to make a big transfer till I broke my leg on 2 places. 

Hereafter I lost the sponserdeal and the transfer due the injury also due to some assholes in the soccer business. So I made a step back in my career got to a team I thought they wanted me but got treated very bad got insulted many times pressured severely mentally it was one of the worst years in my life so decided to quit cause the soccer world and the people in it isnt worth it. 

I realised that I didnt like soccer even that much but now I fell in a blackhole not knowing what to do and without any skills. 

Got a severe negative personality low self-esteem perfectionist of the top shelf this I realise now that Im just like my father who never gave any compliments and really felt I was wortheless every second.

While thinking what to do I started working in a warehouse in the night shift which gave me sleep problems now. Which I lost due to covid.

Thinking since my 20years old till now so 7years Im just avoiding everything just for the fact I feel like shit and have no self-esteem so I quit before I begin with something. 

I really want to study and get my diploma but I let my negative behavior grow and became very severe even the people around me got depressed as well. 

Now Im on the verge of marrying a kind girl who always has my back even I let her down countless times and alwas project my negativity on her unwillingly Im just becoming my father which makes me even more depressed because I dont want to treat my kids in the future like that.

Im mentally so tired so depressed of myself I hate myself to the fullest I just dont know what to do.

Now I have a opportunity to follow a paid education
Just dont know what to do but Im tired of not having any skills and avoiding everyone and everything and cant work in a soul numbing job like warehouses anymore..

I have more to tell but I think for the first time this is a win for me to just taking the step of writing about myself.

I would like to thank everyone of you taking the time of reading this means a lot for me so thank you!!!!