So, last week my narcissistic sister mentioned in passing that she was looking for typists and my mother volunteered me because she thinks just because somebody learned how to work with MS Word back in the sixth grade they can type a whole fucking Physics textbook in two days. I didn't say no to either of them when they asked. I did tell my sister that I had no experience with Corel Draw when she told me that was part of it but she came home with a massive stack of paper and a flash drive full of files from other books and told me that she had made an excellent deal with her boss and I didn't say anything then because I was in way too deep and the way everyone in the family calls me lazy I didn't want to give them any kind of confirmation.

I didn't do much. I was not cut out for that kind of work and I knew it going in but I just can't focus on anything long enough to get it done anymore and I kept procratinating and distracting myself. And everything about it was so hard and I was too rusty with the stuff and as it turned out my laptop couldn't handle that kind of work either. Five days later, I'm self harming out of the guilt that I've made zero progress.

Friday morning, I'm considering skipping flea marketing because even though it's the one thing that always makes me feel good and the place is only a flea market on Fridays I don't want to let her down. But then when I'm getting ready for a shower she barges into my room and starts yelling like she always does when things aren't going her way. I don't have a shirt on so the cuts on my upper arm are exposed and I'm just thankful she's too angry to notice them.

I've just had it with the yelling. I'm standing my ground this time. I'm not rewarding this kind of behavior like the rest of the family has been doing all these years by doing anything to avoid making her angry. Let her go back to that office empty handed I want her to lose face like this because she needs to understand that people don't fall in love with you when you scream degrading shit at them like that. I'm 20 years old now and she's not my parent and now she quite literally is not my boss anymore, she has no power over me. I'm not like our parents who do anything to avoid confrontation or our older sister who notices everything but enables them anyway or the brother between us who she drove into addiction with her shitty behavior. Unless she somehow turns out to be a cockroach I'm not scared of her.

Spent all morning at the flea market and it wasn't half bad, I wrote part of the prologue to the book I've wanted to start writing since 2014 on a bench and even though I lost my eraser and the Kurt Cobain badge on my backpack (it looked like a Starbucks logo with Kurt's face in the middle and it said SEATTLE GRUNGE around it) I came home feeling relatively well, even stopped by my favorite bakery for croissants (the only money things I'd spent money on was the Metro and the blind melodica player busking at the flea market's gate and the money was burning a hole in my pocket). I'd locked my bedroom door and left the stack of papers in the hall as a declaration of being done with this shit and as I was walking out the door I'd told the father that I had deleted all the files so I guess you can imagine what kind of crapstorm I was faced with after I'd gotten back.

I barricaded myself in my room long enough for it to escalate and then when I got out it wasn't really much better. At some point she grabbed me and I told her not to touch me in the most desperately violent tone I could and she just replied with a "or you'll do what?". And she kept comparing me with our brother because apparently standing up to her is the same as stealing stuff to pawn for meth money and attempted murder. 

I think it'll be a while until we speak again, that's just the way it's always been. Back when I was in high school she kept confiscating my phone to improve my grades it always came to this and I always let her have her way back then. Fucking hypocrite never thinks twice before manhadling me but when I try to defend myself acts like I'm some kind of monster.

Yes I'm irresponsible and lazy and I may have just halted the production of a high profile book but how wrong am I here really?