Hi.

I have not been on anti psychotics for 5 6 months now and the last one I was on was a depot injection called zuclupenthixol. It was very very strong and messed up my penis and made me into a literal zombie so after a long hard decision I came off it. 

I have recently been told by my team that I have been hospitalised on the EXACT same date ( 24th april ) for the last 3 consecutive years. I apparently tend to get psychotic around this time of the year and then obviously it builds up and then in april i get hospitalised and get my meds upped or changed etc and then i get stable for months and then the depression kicks in. Its been the same for the last 3 years and this is the 4th year. They have been desperate to get me back on anti psychotics again as they say I am starting to relapse and they are trying to do everything that they can to keep me out of hospital this year as it really traumatises me being in there. 

I dont really feel like Ive been experiencing the schizophrenic side of schizoaffective recently but my care team are saying that I have been struggling with negative symptoms for a while that i am confusing with depression. I feel depressed for like 90% of the year and im not just talking feeling a bit sad or lost im talking im completely unable to shower or brush my teeth or even speak properly. I have come to terms with the fact that I am going to kill myself when I am strong enough to do it. Its just something that ive accepted. I dont really feel like I suffer from psychosis that much anymore as much as I used to before. I struggle with really bad depressive episodes and I also struggle with hypomania.I have always smoked a few grams of weed everyday and that has helped me sleep and stay calm when i feel overly elated so im not sure if thats stopped me from ever getting full mania or maybe I have had full mania before im not sure? I am finding it really hard to remember what has happened when ive been manic/ psycotic/in a mixed state.

 Ive recently stopped smoking weed and its shown me how badly I struggle to sleep. Ive not slept at all on 2 occasions over the last few weeks despite taking 7.5mg zopiclone and 10mg diazepam and Im barely getting 6 7 hours of sleep when I do sleep. I feel unusually rested and have a decent amount of physical energy but i feel mentally fucked. I had a bad moment last week where i really lost it with someone and i did something very stupid and then after this i didnt sleep that night and went to my mental health clinic in the morning when it opened and they said i was in a mixed state and they were worried about me and i was very close to being put in hospital so they put me on risperidone. 

I am very confused. I feel like I have somehow made my psychosis up? I feel like i dont need to be on anti psychotics because I dont feel like Im unwell enough to be on them. Am I lying to myself because I cant stand the thought of taking these fucking pills again and chemically lobotomising myself? I am finding it really hard to remember how I get when I am in psychosis . I know that ive tried to stab several family members and ended up homeless because of it. I know that I thought I was an angel for a very long time and I even grew my hair to be closer to god. I see spirits occassionally but nowhere near as often as i used to the first time i got unwell. I dont feel like this is psychosis I feel like i have a genuine gift that not many others have and I dont want to lose this with anti psychotics. 

I feel really confused and like my team are conspiring to get me on meds because they want me sitting in a chair all day and just to shut up and not be a problem anymore. 

I feel like it is all a lie that im making up in my head despite lots of evidence that i clearly get very unwell at times and i have done things that i WOULD NEVER DO normally when Im sick.

I also get extremely hostile and violent and delusional that everyone is out to get me including my family members and it usually ends up in me falling out with everyone that i love and taking months to repair the relationship. 

I just read some peoples experiences with schizophrenia and i find it hard to relate to certain symptoms? Like i dont really experience visual hallucinations anymore where as when i first got ill i used to constantly see someone that did me badly wrong wherever i went and when i would look again they would dissapear. I dont really get voices that often at all anymore and when they do come they arent overly distressing unless I am in a really stressfull situation already?

I have got an appointment with my Dr tomorrow and im thinking of telling him that i think he has misdiagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder when i think i just have bipolar. The thing is ive said this to him several times before and his response has always been that I 100% experience breaks from reality that are not related to bipolar and hes presented me with hard evidence as to why him and several other drs agree i am schizoaffective. 

FUCK IM CONFUSED. I FEEL LOST. IS IT ALL A LIE? AM I CURED? AM I DELUSIONAL RIGHT NOW? I DONT KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW FUCCCCKKKK.