So, as the title says..I am just straight up emotionally abusive to my fiance sometimes. I don't know how to stop it. He is the sweetest man and he absolutely does not deserve it.
Like for example, I have been nothing but cold hearted and rude to him for the past 2 days because he is sick. He has strep throat and I am mad about it, why??? I should be nursing him back to health and supporting him. Not making him feel awful for getting sick.
Like, I made him soup and went to get his medicine for him, but then he wanted to go to bed early and I was just a huge asshole to him and he was crying. 
I feel like a piece of trash.
I hate that I do this.
I hate not being able to talk about it with him.
I get embarrassed and just go selectively mute.
I won't speak for hours. I just pretend I don't hear him.
Why am I doing this.
We have been together 11 years and I am so afraid he is going to leave me.
He deserves so much better. 
He is literally the sweetest man, I have ruined him, ive dulled his sparkle and snuffed out that happy go lucky light he always had about him.
It is like I thrive on making others feel bad about themselves but at the same time, once he is sad, I snuggle him and tell him how beautiful he is and how I don't deserve him.
How do I stop this awful abusive manipulative cycle?

I am so embarrassed even typing this out.
My skin is crawling and I want to curl up and dissappear completely.

Thanks for listening to me