I am disabled. When I was a young boy, I was diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa. I haven't gone blind or lost my driver's license yet, but the night blindness it causes limits my career availability - but I still pulled it off as a young man.

I was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder type I and generalized anxiety disorder. Therapy and medication helps, but I am plagued with doubt, frustration, mania, and the depression that comes to visit. I knew I'd struggle to finish school and find work like many of the others with this illness. It affected my confidence and relationship with others. But I still finished school, started a career, and my life is filled with so much love from family and friends. I became unafraid to believe in myself and be unapologetic with who I am. I'm working on a significant other, but one day at a time as I learn to love myself. Or maybe I won't find one and I don't care anymore.

And in 2021, at the age of 26 I battled a brain tumor. It ravaged my body and broke things inside of me I won't ever get back. But I fought hard and though my body is tired and in pain, I became the winner. Before the brain tumor, I was extremely athletic, even making my way as a Muay Thai fighter knocking out other fighters (on top of my 9-5). I won some and lost some, but I did the unexpected. Then this happened... and took something from me I so loved. It took away the thing that taught me I could fight for the life I wanted, win or lose I had every reason to believe i was strong enough to be in this world. I lost the thing that gave me confidence amd let me outfight my depression and stay grounded against my mania. It also took my hearing - my favorite music, the sounds of the public, and the voices of loved ones are muffled and unintelligible. 

Now here I am, telling people I have great plans for the future. People tell me they wish they were as resilient as me and in my mind, I hope they never have to be. People say I'm their hero when it comes to tenacity, but I don't want to be. I just want a normal life and as I age and my body weakens, I don't think I can keep fighting any longer.

Despite the admiration of my colleagues, friends, and family; they tell me I'm intelligent, wise, loving, authentic, and hardworking - I want to die.

I don't want to live till 35 and beyond, maybe not even 30. Everyday is a battle for me just to keep my sanity. Everyday I wonder why I can't have the normal body of those around me. And those around me look at me not knowing the battle I fight everyday because of what's happened to me. My mind is numb and my body is ravaged. Maybe I can recover, as the doctors tell me I have a good chance to lead a relatively normal life, (at least my ability to move and a reduction in pain). In the end, I'm tired of fighting and don't want to fight anymore.

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, make my bed, exercise, and go to work... I wish I didn't wake up. I wish I died right there in that bed im making.

And when I prepare for bed after showering, telling my loved ones goodnight, arranging my things for tomorrow and petting my dog goodnight... I hope I don't wake up.

I won't kill myself - my loved ones will know I was miserable and lying to them. But my heart is tired of being heartbroken and my body can no longer carry my spirit.