Just a little background about my sexual history prior to the past year or so, to start I guess. Skip this first paragraph if you dont wanna read idk I think it’s important to the situation. I’m a 19 yr old girl btw. Mobile format sorry bla bla bla.

So I was very sheltered and given strict rules as a kid, not allowed to watch Nickelodeon or Disney Channel, saying “oh my god” or “jesus christ” was on par with legitimate curse words, learned about Santa from friends on the bus in 3rd grade, no explanations for how the world works from anything other than a Christian/Lutheran perspective..whatever. However, I got my first computer in 3rd grade, (2009, I’m 19 now). Despite the strictness I had totally 100% unrestricted internet access. I found tumblr, Wattpad, Omegle, 4chan, Reddit, lots of weird forums, weird location based anonymous apps like Whisper at a very young age. I learned what I knew about sex online. I remember going on Omegle and taking my clothes off for black screens giving me orders as young as like..11-12. I remember sexting on Kik and Whisper starting around that age too. I don’t know why. I blame internet for exposing me to things like ED culture, the romanticization of drug use (Tumblr, smh), self harm, and a whole lot of things I struggle on and off with to this day. In middle school, I was very confused about my sexuality. I had a little girlfriend at some point, we never went past kissing, that was my only real “sexual” experience if that counts. I eventually met my first boyfriend my freshman year. We started dating the following summer. I was 14 and he was 17, he had gotten held back, and I had a late birthday. So we were just shy of 3 years apart. We first had sex a week into our relationship. It grew to be extremely emotionally, psychologically, and (arguably) sexually, abusive. He slowly cut me off from all my friends, by the end of sophomore year (15) I was completely alone. He told me certain things like pre-cum doesn’t get you pregnant or you can’t get pregnant on your period. Of course, this isn’t true. I know it’s stupid but I hadn’t taken sex ed at this point, and no one ever really told me otherwise so I had no reason to not believe him in my mind. We had a lotttt of sex. We never used any protection not even pull out. I got pregnant, and had a medical abortion at 15. (If you don’t know that’s the type of abortion where you take a pill, and when you go home you have a miscarriage). My parents didn’t know, he was reluctant to even take me. I missed appointments but ended up getting it the last week you are able to get that kind of abortion. I was alone and in my basement, and it was horrible, worst physical pain I’ve ever felt. To make things worse, I told a teacher when I got the positive test, because he was 18 and I was 15, the school had to call CPS. I had to go to CPS and beg for them not to arrest my boyfriend, so I could go safely get an abortion. (One of my biggest regrets). They dropped the case and I got it. My junior year I decided to graduate early, so we ended up graduating together. The last six months of that school year, he got a new girlfriend, but continued to secretly sleep with me every couple weeks or so. It was horrible. There’s so much more I could get into with that, but I don’t want to bore anyone. Just lots of abuse manipulation and, a lot of weird fetishy creepy sexual activity (a lot of it age play based) that has me scarred to this day. After I finally got away from him, I was 16. I made a Tinder, (the app was less regulated a few years ago I suppose). I slept around a little. Got another boyfriend for about 2 years. He was nowhere near as bad as the first, but he cheated on me a lotttt. 

Anyways, second bf and I broke up this past June. Since then, my body count has gone from 4 to 13. I know some people may have more, but the majority of them came within the first few months after the breakup. Over the summer, there were days where I slept with multiple men in a week or even a day. In the past 9 months, there has been multiple occasions of me sleeping with my ex, or other men who weren’t good for men, even sometimes after meeting men I thought I liked. I can’t explain how many dramatic situation I’ve gotten into with sleeping around and guys finding out about eachother and starting fights and so much just..craziness. There was an instance of me leaving home for a few weeks in July, (fighting with mom) and switching between friends couches and my car, one friend being a boy who I had sex with right after the breakup, and later told I no longer wanted to pursue a sexual relationship. There were many instances of me sleeping at his house while away from home (my friends parents stopped letting me stay with them eventually) and him doing stuff to me and me just freezing up and letting him. (I told him many times that I had sexual trauma and a hard time saying no, but he continued, and I kind of just..let him.) I have horrible taste in men. I’ve found that when men treat me right, be nice, show interest and attention, act like a gentleman..I tend to lose interest. I started having sex with a coworker at one point, a real douchebag tbh, it started a lot of work drama, and I ended up losing a whole friend group from that old job, over him, because I couldn’t just stay away from him. I don’t even know why, he didnt even like me, the sex wasn’t great. I just don’t know. This week alone, I’ve had sex with 3 men, including that same coworker, my second ex bf, and an old friend who I just recently started sleeping with. I’m in a situation where all three of them know certain things about the other two to a degree, but I’ve lied to all of them about different things. And at the end of the day, none of them are really all that good for me. 

I don’t know why I do this. It’s not a sex addiction, I don’t act on like, horniness or whatever? So I don’t know. It’s more of like a need for some type of male attention I think? I’m at a point right now where I feel gross and dirty and used, although I’m sure I’ve made plenty of men who actually liked me in the past feel the same way, so I’m not trying to victimize myself here. Even if I’m not initiating sex, sometimes I just can’t say no. I just say screw it and go with what’s happening. 

For the record I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and ADHD? I’m on Adderall XR 20mg..If that’s at all relevant I don’t know. Anyways, if you read all this I appreciate you. Any support or advice would be greatly appreciated. Going to post this on a few subreddits. If I explained anything poorly or clarification is needed please let me know.