I don’t think I have to explain to y’all the poor choices and regret that come from manic episodes. We all love this life in one way or another. Here’s some backstory on my situation: I was in a relationship for three years. Additionally this person was also my best friend, ride or die. It was on and off and at this time I wasn’t aware that I had bipolar. I didn’t know what manic episodes were, and when my partner tried to explain this to me and get me to go see a doctor I would lash out. It wasn’t a particularly healthy relationship, we were toxic to each other and said/did horrible things, everything except physical violence. I got caught in a confusing situation, I was manic and being manipulated by my partner’s best friend. This led to what I would technically consider cheating, and while these actions were my own, I was under heavy manipulation and coercion to be with this person, he told me stuff like “I’ll tell N (my partner) that you cheated, we can never be friends again, I’ll hate you forever,” etc if I didn’t begin a relationship with him. On my end there were no feelings, I didn’t like this person in a romantic way, i at this point had just lost so much that the thought of losing another friend killed me. My friends convinced me to get as far away from all of this as I could, but that seemed impossible for me. My partner and I had a big break up in February of 2021, when his friend (R) told him about all of this, and didn’t speak until May 2021. I didn’t come here to get hate for all of this, I know what I did and I am working through it and trying to take accountability. In April of this year N and I went to a concert together and we’re good friends again. We got in some arguments because he felt that I wasn’t taking accountability for what happened and I felt that he wasn’t owning up to his actions of what he did to harm me. Now in the wake of my diagnosis and medication I am facing extreme guilt and hatred for myself for everything that happened. I LOVED this person with my whole heart and never ever had any intent to hurt him. We stopped talking in April because i spilt and yelled at him and said awful things. Now I regret these actions everyday even though I don’t feel I can claim them as my own because I was manic and I feel disconnected from those decisions. I want to reach out and apologize but I don’t know if that’s a good idea. What do y’all think I should do? I need all the advice I can get.