i'm just not.

i just did a "safety plan" with... not *my* therapist, but *a* therapist (long story) and there's like, 2 people in the whole world whose name/number i gave as someone i would call "in a crisis" but in reality i wouldn't. i already know i wouldn't. 

the one person i would have called, who i felt *seen* by, understood- i've lost. through my own batshit crazy antics. i don't blame him. nobody else gets it, but maybe he didn't even get it either. maybe i just have him on a pedestal. maybe there's actually nothing special about him other than his ignoring me (i think this is a half-assed attempt to convince myself of something i know isn't true, but it IS true that talking with him has made me upset in the past couple days)

i don't know. i hate that i'm like this. it's hard for other people to deal with me, imagine BEING this. i can't get away from this bitch! but i'm doing my best in the therapy program i'm in. i guess it's going all right, even if things don't feel that way.

but man i wish i never came to this planet. also, i'm probably going to delete this post. thanks for reading.