So I'm 23 y/o and have been diagnosed with BPD as well as an array of other mental illnesses, I just kind of live each day as it is hoping it is the last but still also wishing to wake up tomorrow.
 My FP left me a year and a half ago and every day makes me think about them but I can never bring myself to message them because I am always afraid of being right on why they left me but I have tried and tried to go it alone for so long and I just can't manage anymore, I don't eat, sleep, think, let alone function as a human, I've resorted to do many bad coping mechanisms to help myself but they just numb it long enough for the feeling to grow larger than what I can hold in.
 I always want to talk to others and be social but I just can't bring myself to be out of fear of rejection even in the slightest sense, my head will make the whole thing seem like they hate me or something stupid because I said one dumb thing or something they don't like and it just shuts me down to that whole subject or thing with them or others for a while, I know this is all just a long ass ramble but I just can't ever find other ways to express my thoughts and feelings without just spewing it all out
  I'm sorry for making you read this whole thing :(