So... I have a new FP. Granted as somewhat often as that changes, I was doing really well for a month or so. I was focused on work, me, and my mental health.

Then a friend and I started hanging out again. This person, we'll call them M, and I had been hanging out quite frequently and regularly back in August/November. We both were recently out of long term relationships, and neither of us has been single at the same time. We started talking, and of course, with seeing them regularly in a distressing time, M became my FP. We got into an argument, and in stereotypical BPD fashion, I got mad, split, blew up, and blocked him until (silly me) I thought I was over him. 7 weeks later, M has a new girlfriend, originally that was fine. Until we started hanging out like we used to, and 3 days later he was back on a pedestal.

Of course, my fucked up masochistic little brain says "*Oh I'm fine just being friends", "He was never going to be with you anyways"*... as I continue to climb into their bed multiple times a week and sleepover at least once. Well let's be real:

A. I'm not built to be a side piece. It's all or nothing over here baby.

B. I'm not a homewrecker. I've done that before, and once I got them I didn't want them.

C. Even if I did either of those things, by the time I had him.. I wouldn't want him anymore. He'd be tainted.

I know they're going away soon, M has military plans. So I shouldn't be getting too attached anyway. I'm actively trying to see other people, covid makes that a little hard lol... No one else feels right. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of posting this. I'm just so frustrated I let myself get into this situation. It feels like all I want is M. To be in their bed, to sit in their car and smoke and laugh, to watch them play video games. I don't even need to touch them. And of course, as a narcissist, he'll soak up all I have to give.