So ever since I was I think a very young adolescent, probably 11 or so, I've had these fears or phobias, that I now am starting to realize are very paranoid in nature, that would plague my entire thought process night and day, and it was/is very scary. 

So I guess the first one I really ever had was this extremely bizarre religious obsession/delusion that the devil was communicating with me through my thoughts, and was trying to get me to sell my soul. Now, I was brought up Christian, but not like going to church religious. You know. But the idea of Hell was always very scary and disturbing to me. The idea of everlasting, endless agony was so inconceivable to me, even now as an adult, and it put bad thoughts into my head. When I was around 6 or so I was frequently babysat by my mom's friend, who I know think was abusive to me her son. Well basically her son would do bad things every day, then when his parents found out he'd blame me, and lie up and down saying he was innocent. Well of course she believed him and I'd always get in trouble. There was one time I even got grounded because not only did his mom believe him, but she convinced my mom to believe him as well. I believe this is my first memorable instance of having paranoid thoughts. I thought these situations were being set up by everyone to get me in trouble and drive me crazy. Like my mom, his mom, him, everyone was in on his lies. 

Being babysat by them and spending night and day with them because my mom was a single mom took a huge toll on me as a child. This is probably what led to my abandonment issues/development of BPD. Essentially one time, after being caught up in one of his (or "my") lies, his mom said to me "liars go to Hell". I said something akin to "what If a baby lied, would it go to hell?" And she basically said yeah, even babies go to hell. 

Anywho, fast forward to age like, 11, I began to have compulsions. In response to the "devil" talking to me in my thoughts, I began to develop complex, subtle bodily movements in order to facilitate essentially telling the devil "no, I'll never do that". Patterns of breathing, blinking, wincing, grinning, and even vocalizations. Very remniscent of OCD. 

This eventually branched off into their "phobias" such as, thinking all the oxygen was being sucked from the atmosphere, and that we were all gonna suffocate and the world was going to end. What was bizarre about this one, looking back, was that when I would have these thoughts, which was all the fucking time, I would literally "feel" the air around me getting thinner. Of course this could've been simply a misinterpretation of symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks, but I'll talk more about that later. Another thing about this one that's worth noting is that I would perceive subtle things in peoples' behavior that implied they were experiencing the same symptoms I was, shortness of breath, difficulty breathing, yada ya, but were trying to hide it, as I was. So that's interesting. 

Another one that's still with me today, is the fear or obsession or whatever that I have this disease, which i'd rather not type out. We'll refer to it as "D" for convenience. Essentially I would have false memories that something happened to me in order to contract this disease, or be extremely paranoid that everything I touched was contaminated or that being out at night would cause me to get infected. The reason this fear in particular is so important, prominent, and deeply terrifying to me is that it's been persistent for over 9 years, essentially half my life. Worse yet, I very frequently, back then and to this day, "feel" the symptoms of this disease. I practically have them memorized. And every time I do, I get this huge rush of adrenaline and panic, and I almost feel claustrophobic inside my own body. I think these are potentially tactile hallucinations. Another thing interesting about this fear is that it's episodic. It's typically worse during more severe episodes of depression where I sink so low that every moment feels like misery. You know that really intense depression that almost feels like, heavy? Like you feel it in the air you breathe and in every fiber of your body and it's almost scary? That's usually when the thoughts are the worst. I've noticed this fear in particular becomes prevalent whenever I'm going through drug withdrawals (of which I've only experienced with opioids, and pot I guess). Which is interesting to note. 

Even after this fear became known, I still developed more and more paranoid patterns of thought. At one point around age 13 I thought my parents were trying to poison me. Every time they offered me food or made food for me, I thought the way they said it implied the food was poisoned and they were trying to trick me into eating it. As such I rarely ate the food they made for me, and would only get sustenance from snacking at night on foods that were only sealed and newly bought. But when I would accidentally or perhaps "foolishly" eat something unsealed or made by my parents, I would be able to "taste" the poison and later on after eating, I would "feel" the poison beginning to take effect. 

Obviously, having these thoughts all my life has been very distressing. I have various coping mechanisms. Some fairly straightforward, some more complex and hard for even me to understand. 

Recently, I've began having an intensification of the disease fear, along with many, many other extremely paranoid thoughts and beliefs. My only real confusion about this is that I have insight into most of them. I've began having auditory hallucinations and some visual ones too. The auditory hallucinations have been getting significantly worse literally in the past couple of days. I shower maybe twice a month, brush my teeth probably as frequently, maybe slightly more. Rarely wash my clothes, or clean my room. Just lost my job and honestly have no interest in getting a new one. I spend all my time in my room. My sleeping schedule is very off (though this is mostly due to my hours at my previous job), I spend very little time interacting with people in-person, and I frequently feel empty, emotionless, and overall hopeless and anxious. I use drugs to cope, mostly nicotine and pot right now, but previously, as I said earlier in the post, opioids. As well as the incidental bottle of liquor, benzodiazepine, and rarely stimulants. 

Basically I'm a sad, confused, emotionally and perceptually distraught wreck. Please help. 