"Did I do the right thing?" I know the internet can't give me that direct answer. I do know that I could have handled the situation better. Maybe instead of advice, I'm just looking to vent, I have no idea. I'm a mess.

I've been dating a guy for three years who I love a lot. He is aware of my struggles and never turned his back on me. He always listened to my emotional episodes, did his best to understand, and was always there to hold me close through it all. When I pushed him away during an episode, he would wait for the clouds to clear with a smile on his face; he always knew that the me he loved would return. He got me through nights I don't think I would have survived alone. Our relationship had more passion than I ever had in one. We had our ups and downs at times, but overall he made me happy, and for once in my life, I felt accepted completely (the good, the bad, and the ugly BPD/other issues). It didn't matter what I revealed about myself, he stayed.

However, there was a problem, and I ***always*** knew it was coming. I should have considered it more before becoming so attached. He always planned to move back across the world to be with his family, and as our relationship developed, he was willing to take me with. I **never** liked the idea of moving out of the country. I kept stupidly thinking, "*I'll worry about it when we get to it*." Stupid. 

Well, that time is finally coming and it couldn't come at a worse time. I'm dealing with critical family and money problems. Everything seems to be going wrong, even everything of mine seems to be breaking. Seasonal depression never helps too. My struggle with BPD and other mental health issues have skyrocketed, and I don't have access to therapy (nor can afford it). Now when I have an emotional fit, I have sadly been resorting to self-harm and my want to commit suicide is so high at times, I can almost *taste* it. 

The dreadful talk happened, and I decided (while emotional, although had logical thinking about it before-hand) that I should end the relationship. I don't want to move. I could maybe have a better life if I move, a fresh start, but the idea of leaving the country makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've never even been the type to "want to see the world". I don't have a good relationship at all with my family, but they would surely be mad and heartbroken if I just left the country to be with a guy that they hardly know. My family is so unstable that they will probably disown me if I did it, but if my boyfriend and I don't work out, I *really* won't have a place to go after a stunt like that.

While stupidly emotional, I told him that if I left, I would be suicidal for new reasons. I'd have guilt about my family, I'm not the type to adapt easily to a foreign country that hardly speaks English (It is hard for me to even leave my apartment due to panic attacks), and my gut just tells me I shouldn't.  I have read about people who "ran away" from their problems to start a new life, and often they say the same problems end up moving with them. You can't escape. It is too risky, but... 

I love him. I really do. I also have a bad habit of avoiding, I could be avoiding something good because I'm fearful. I did some research online for advice, and I read that it is a good thing to break up with someone you love when it comes to dramatic life decisions you don't agree with, in my case, it is moving across the world. However, I read that also life is about taking risks... although I don't think I'm in a position to take such risks, at the same time, I have *almost* nothing to lose. I'm dirt poor, don't have a car, I'm in too much debt to get my degree in the US, I'm unstable, and I have almost no support system. Maybe I do need a fresh start, but if I move, the little bit I do have will be gone too. If I stay, it kills me that I might lose the love of my life. 

My self-esteem is pretty shit too, so I do think he would be better off without me. He could find a younger, prettier, and more stable girl than me. If anything... me staying with him could be holding him back from something greater, draining him of emotional energy, but... what about me? Almost no one wants to put up with my bullshit, and I don't blame them. I'm not trying to be selfish. 

Our last talk about this, a few days ago, got heated quickly. I was already emotional while we had the discussion, and I basically told him to go move then, and if he ever moves back, and I'm still alive to contact me. I realize now, I shouldn't have been emotional and said that how I did, but I did mean that. I'm holding on by a ***thread.*** I tried to reach out to him, I messaged him about something unrelated, and he didn't reply to me. It is unlike him, but I'm sure he is hurt and confused too. He isn't moving immediately, he might just be done with me, but I know there is probably a chance I could still make this all work out between us. I know love can blind us, but so can fear. I'm so *heartbroken*. I want to be with him, but I don't want to be with him across the world. - I'm screwed either way.

A long time ago, when I was in an unrelated online relationship, I had a therapist say to me, "If you two really loved each other, you would do anything to be with each other. You would be on that train right now trying to get to his place." That stuck with me, I know there are some questionable things to this statement (not advice a stalker should get), but if this is true, doesn't that mean I should be pushing myself to go? Does that mean I never loved him somehow since I don't want to go? 

I have no idea what to think anymore.

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