Honestly feels really fucking stupid to even type this out, as if im so fucking special i deserve to have any sort of attention or sympathy—and even so implying i could ever communicate anything i think with the outside world

EVERYONE, even those i have met with bpd, people who struggle with many of the same things i do, seems to have a certain, like... "life factor" to themselves that i completely lack and have lacked for basically my whole life. people seem to have these foundations that sort of define how they ended up in the present. for instance, it could be "these things happened to me in the past and that has shaped how i react to things as they are now" but for me this doesnt happen at all. i feel alienated from everything that has ever happened to me. it happened to someone else. i dont even know my parents. i talk to them like complete strangers every time i see them because i dont know who they are. 

basically, people have like pets, or maybe things they enjoy doing that make life somewhat worthwhile, or even people they despise that they would like to prove wrong in the end. i dont have any of these things.

and really, in the end, people with bpd are just like any other people. their struggles and their lives often feel just as distant as everything else in this world

i am very afraid that i will never find anybody that i can relate to at a level beyond the surface—that i will never find people whose souls have some kind of fellowship with mine. i feel that it will kill me going through this all alone.

at this point all i can relate to are people who die young, especially if they had a certain "not-there"-ness when they were alive. people like nick drake particularly. anyways maybe someone someday can relate to this