(TW: emotional abuse, reference of self-harm &amp; suicide attempt)
It's past 2am here and I'm laying in bed crying about how things used to be when my ex/ex-fp and I were dating. I was so happy yet so depressed with him. As I watch the show Harley Quinn on HBO Max, I can't help but think of how similar my relationship was compared to Harley Quinn's with Joker. SO toxic! Although my ex never laid a hand on me nor tried to kill me, he had a strong influence on me bringing severe harm to myself. Harley called Joker Mr. J and Puddin' and I called my ex Mr. G and "my king" as he was the king of my heart at the time. (Cheesy, but it's true.) He was the Joker to my Harley Quinn, although they both have different diagnoses. My perception of true love is skewed because of him and other guys I've interacted with, so I don't expect to settle down with someone anymore. I'm sorta okay with that, but *damn* does it hurt to see others happy in love and wish I had that with my ex. He has narcissistic traits; would always bring me down yet occasionally make me feel special only for him. Now we have court issues and although contact is very limited, I found myself wanting to ask him how his mental health is because, unfortunately, I still worry about him. So I guess that means I still care..? (Besides being kinda dumb for being too nice.) I didn't ask him after crying a few times tonight. It's weird how a show can get trigger something like this, but it's also eye-opening and a good reminder of why I dumped his ass for good even though I did go back to him multiple times...