I struggle with translating my emotions into words. So I’ll try to make this short and sweet.

My life is in complete shambles, I have no education at 26 years old. I have no friends at 26 years old. The only reason I am here is because I don’t want to hurt my parents but as soon as they’re gone, I’ll follow soon after. 

My mother is bipolar and struggles with racing thoughts. My father struggles with obesity and severe-anxiety. Both of them are addicted to pain pills. Addiction has controlled their entire lives separately and then together for majority of their lives. From alcohol, to crack-cocaine, to pain  pills.

I most likely have BPD or bipolar like my mother. I have self-sabotaged myself at so many points in my life, it’s probably become a habit. From the first self-sabotage when I dropped out and lied to everyone about it for years and still do. To my most recent self-sabotage about two months ago when I quit a very good job that I was extremely under qualified for. My last friend helped me get the job and I sabotaged everything even though I was proud of the job and I valued his friendship quite a bit. I noticed that because of my lack of confidence in a certain part of the job and stalled progress was causing my supervisor and a few coworkers to view me as an “inconvenience”. I was basically faking it until I made it and I ultimately had a mental breakdown. I decided instead of being an “inconvenience” I’d be a “disappointment” because that’s all I’ve ever been.

I realize all my issues are my fault in some way or another but I’ve unfortunately dug myself into a very deep hole. A very steep hill awaits me and I have bad ankles. I do not see a way out. I am terrified to try to get my GED, I’ll most likely fail. I am terrified to try anything anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t afford therapy or anything like that, I don’t have any health insurance. I am at a crossroads in my life where I must decide if it’s even worth trying to do anything at all. I am merely existing and that is it. 

I thank anyone who responds with any advice or thoughts.