I’ve not been out with anyone drinking since Christmas 2019. After all the lockdowns (England) and then getting pregnant and having a newborn, I was pretty fucking terrified. 
I went out on my staff (belated) Christmas night out. My husband and I own the company. I had had half a pint of lager, so by no means drunk. 
We were talking about the mad stuff we had seen the the toilets in our bar, so the chat was pretty crude.
I went on to tell a story, and described the woman involved as fat. One of the team flipped out saying ‘if that’s what you say about her I’d hate to think what you say about us!’ She refused to use the word herself stating ‘I’m not even going to say it!’ 
And I wanted the world to swallow me up there and then. 
I’d made it an hour into the night out and humiliated myself, and in turn, my husband. 
I stayed a further hour for my husbands sake but I was so done. I could barely string a sentence together. Home by 6:30.
I’ll think about that in the shower tomorrow, and everyday after. Telling myself I hate myself because I’m such a fucking mess who can’t last an hour in other peoples company. One word - and (to me, a person who is considered obese by NHS standards) not even a particularly bad one. 
That one word means I’m never going out with them again. I’m pretty sure I’ll never be able to see her again. 
Grim this. I’m better off at home with my babies. 
There was no point to this. I just needed say it.