Hi, I'm a male and almost 16 now, and I found MMFB a few days ago where I decided to share my feelings because they got worse after a rough conversation with a friend. A person who has it was very kind and helpful and sent me articles about it. I had never heard about it before but I can tell you I've never felt a moment in my life to be so meaningful, those articles were extremely interesting to me and I related a lot to the symptoms. 
I'm sorry if this can be long, but there is no way to explain myself without details... 

- I hate to be alone, I fear it, but I like to be seen as "that guy who's so cool he doesn't need friends".  I care so much about how people see me, that I end up believing my own lies to make it more real. Although, I always make sure to have relations with a lot of people. I've made connections in highschool with the cool boys and girls, but I also keep my distances. I never go out to chill at malls or anything like all my friends do. I also like having a very closed circle. I only have 24 friends on facebook, because seeing posts from 400 people was making me extremely angry and disgusted.
 When I meet someone new, and this mostly happens with girls, I will bring them into my universe. I will share my thoughts, my point of views about the world and other people, and that person will end up being amazed by me, by how I think. I'm addicted to that feeling. I love that feeling. After that I will think about that person day and night, make up situations or imagining that she only thinks about me and I about her. It's hard to admit to myself, but even though I don't usually look for a romantic relationship, if that girl mentions I boyfriend or a crush, I will lose it. I will lose my freaking mind. This is the worst feeling. When I'm not the only thing to someone, I will get mad, break her heart, throw her in the garbage can. Then I move to the next one, and the same pattern begins. This is why I've had enormous trouble with relationships and I've convinced myself that no one was actually interesting enough or good enough for me and no one can fully understand me. 

- That's when I get lonely. I don't get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but more like I'm against the whole world. I hate everybody. I am so superior that no one can reach the depth of my mind. (Of course that is a common thing among teenagers). It seemed freaking pretentious and it probably is, but what follows this feeling is usually an episode of panic. INTENSE panic. I start to freak out, I start to question my life and everybody else's, I shake and I stare at myself in the mirror for hours. Then the idea of hitting something comes to mind. I grab the closest sharp object and try hurt myself, but I never go all sinister and make myself bleed. I've always looked at emos and laughed at their craziness. I think suicide is the weak way out and I would never do it. I have contemplated the idea of suicide, but I never felt like I could do it. Anyway, I hurt myself and sometimes I even joke about it when I'm bored in class and the guy next to me thinks I'm crazy and reacts to it. I like it when people react to me. I can go really far with pain because I can embrace it. It's crazy but, there's no denying that the pain makes me feel alive, like I can control myself. I exist and I have control over my feelings, because that's usually when I calm down.

- I mentioned earlier that I love to stare in the mirror. To me, my face is the most intriguing thing I've ever seen. It's like I see it for the first time. Every time I have trouble thinking that's me. That. Is me. Then I think : "well your face is the one you see less so it's normal". I always deny what I feel by incorporating the way my family deals with problems. You got a problem? No you don't, you're making that up so stop being such a pussy and get back to work. So I make a disgusted face and I think to myself: "wow you are clearly an attention whore and you love yourself too much".

- Whenever I get those episodes of intense emotions, they can also be positive. After experiencing intense emotions about stuff I sort of twisted them to be positive, like I can take on the world, I can handle everything. I can be the coolest person in highschool and I can play ball like a pro because I'm that good. I really over-evaluate myself and I get A LOT of motivation from it for good grades and stuff. So I sometimes even love having these unexpected explosions inside. They can either lead to epiphanies or new goals and new opinions about my person.

- Then there's this other thing that bugged me enormously. I like to meet up friends at a park that is pretty far from my house to play ball. Now I gotta ask my mother to drive me there and back, and that just adds to my anxiety. I am always REALLY nervous that they won't show up. I think maybe they found something more interesting to do or someone better to play with at another park. Fortunately, this one friend of mine who is almost as crazy as me never let me down and always showed up. Another guy called me up for the same reason and when I got there, he wasn't there. Now my mom was in the car and was also a little confused so I didn't freak out. Yet. 15 minutes later we drive back and 5 minutes in I start thinking that we drove all that way for nothing. The thought that my friend didn't care for me made me lose my shit and I kicked the car and my mom almost had an accident. I couldn't look her in the eyes after that. Funny thing is, I obviously promised to myself I would never have anything to do with that guy in the future, one week later the same event happens and I couldn't resist I just had to go. He showed up, it felt good.

- Another even I have to share is that one time I went out. Someone organized a surprise birthday party at a restaurant for my friend, who is a girl and who cares about me and I cared about her (obviously not anymore, sad to admit). I had to go, it felt like the right thing to do. But then 20 people came, people I never wanted to talk to, people I was glad were kicked out of the school, people who were close to my friend. I really didn't expect that. I stood in a corner, doing nothing. Worst night ever. The table was really long so they were all so loud and busy. Everybody wanted a piece of her, and even though I had my piece, it wasn't enough. F*** that, I thought, so I played on my Ipod. This other girl who was the next in line for my interest came to me and started asking questions. "Why don't you like anyone? Why aren't you partying". At that moment I really meant what I said to her. "I don't like anyone. They're fags, I want nothing to do with them." Those people I called fags were the center of the school. They were the people that everyone had most fun with. The only ones who hated them also were the black guys or the hard-working foreign girls. They tried to approach me and got denied, hard. I liked that feeling. Anyway, that girl becomes more and more impressed and amazed. So I turned all my attention to her. All of it. She was my new "friend". Needless to say, right now, I wish she was miserable and looked at me for help again. I've sopped talking to everyone since I found about BPD.

- Then the emptiness and the arrogance, the lack of meaning in every person's response to my problems. "Don't worry, I also feel down sometimes" and they go on about their boyfriends and their superficial friends and all that and it seems like they're trying to relate to me. It's really all freaking hilarious, how they think they understand what I'm feeling. *Haha, I actually don't care about your problems, they are stupid problems, I am the only thing that matters and only I have real problems.* If you can make sense from that last sentence, thanks for understanding.

- Man, I don't want to have a disorder. Having a disorder would rip my life apart. I don't want some relative saying "Yeah Mr.Derp, he has a son who has a *disorder*".
And right now, I can't tell anyone because people will think I'm just trying to create attention to myself. I can't prove I have a problem. My problems can be perceived like simple teen problems or that I'm just that kind of person that has emotional fluctuations. This will sound crazy, but if my symptoms get worse, if people will take it seriously, I can get help. I can get treated. For now I'm trapped between the  attitude of my parents and the lack of proof of my emotional problems. But damn, when it happens, it is extremely intense. It isn't normal sadness, it's the losing of one's mind, the crazy going crazy, even now I'm a little panicky, admitting to myself I actually have a problem by remembering those nights.

I know I can't diagnose myself, and the internet is not a good place to get diagnosed. I just really have to talk about it now... I can't tell anyone close to me. That would create a bond between me and them that will kill me. 
