


I always thought something was wrong with me and now that I’m 23 I’m learning more and more about myself so this will be fully honest. 

When I think my relationships with people aren’t good I’m in a bad mood think of even suicide and I just see everything in a dark way and I’m just more anxious and less confident. Then when I get some reassurance, a compliment or get told how important I am to someone I get an episode of couple days feeling absolutely grandiose and euphoric. I guess the thought of being abandoned scares me.

The issue is when I get in this grandiose phase I just know how I act but I like it in a way. I get these fantasises of being some dictator that is loved by some and also hated by some. And get tiktok edits from people. I also notice how toxic I am to people like when I feel this confident I just kind of use that confidence to flex on people how confident I am. I might start arguing with someone in a party (with someone we met and my friends are there watching) and just give them a lot of sh*t just to show off my power (mainly when I’m drunk). I love to spend my money on my fashion and love to flex in front of people. Also the way I act and carry myself might come off as very arrogant and I love it. 

And sometimes something (a comment or an argument) causes me to over think and I become anxious and think low of myself and try to find some kind of boost from someone else to see if I am important for them. During this time I hate my life become depressed and anxious and so not confident. I feel like the other person might leave me. I definitely see people as good or bad no in between. 


my ex best friend for many years, was a narcissist and the way he acted changed me as his comments and the way he talked was always like a dig at me.  He turned out to be getting worse and worse and I cut all contact from him as he was more and more toxic. Also my dad is an obvious grandiose narcissist, however he moved out when I was around 10 so never had a close relationship with him. But he’s a text book narcissist.

I used to be close with my sister, always tried to manipulate her and control her so that she doesn’t have that many people in her life so that she needs me. Never liked her being close with someone. Now she’s became a lot more extraverted and has a lot of friends which made me kind of dismiss her and I’ve became a lot more cold towards her and don’t really try to speak much in convos I became alot more cold and withdrawn. I have a new person that I can be close with now. 

It’s sometimes like I don’t want someone to have fun or find new friends so I manipulate close people so that they only are close to me and only need me as I don’t want to be abandoned. 

I have a lot of empathy for my mother but I neglect our relationship and don’t really try hard even though she needs me and I feel bad but feeling bad doesn’t really make me try harder. 

My emotions sometimes feel faked like I try to connect with people and I do somewhat connect with people but sometimes it feels fake but if we connected I feel good about it even though when I leave and I’m alone I feel like I’m a different person and that was all an act somewhat. 


I really want to find out what’s wrong with me and I wonder if it’s something like Covert narcissism, BPD or some kind of depression. I definitely have anxiety.