Hi! This is my first time posting on this so I'm not sure how it goes but I guess I'm just looking for some support from anywhere at this point. Let me start by saying as of right now, I am self diagnosed with high-functioning bpd and severe anxiety and depression, HOWEVER I do plan on making an apt with a psychiatrist very very soon to get these confirmed so it's not like I just read one thing that kinda sounded like me online and I'm like oh yeah I guess that kinda sounds like me. No, I finally stumbled across BPD while tirelessly searching the internet of my symptoms and literally started sobbing of relief because I knew the second I started reading about it that it was exactly how I've been feeling and it was such a relief to almost have my emotions validated and that I wasn't just crazy. Since I know some people can be a little judge mental about self diagnosing, just know I have full intent of seeing a professional soon and getting this confirmed, but it's at the point where there is nothing that anybody else could tell me that would really change my mind because for the first time ever I've found out exactly how I feel and why I'm feeling this way and others who feel the exact same way.

Secondly, i think it took me so long to figure out because I think that I am high-functioning and very introverted about it. I don't feel like the typical person with bpd who lashes out and engages in self-harming behavior. Instead of lashing out, I lash in. I go through all of the crazy intense mood swings and emotions, I just try extremely extremely hard to hide it and only let it out when I'm alone. I am constantly fluctuating from very anxious, to very depressed, and then I'll feel a little better and be like wait why was I thinking those things I'm totally fine and then 30 min later I'm back to feeling hopeless until I just end up feeling extremely numb and just this never ending hole inside that is consuming me. 

I am terrified of abandonment and being disliked and I've had reoccurring dreams for years where literally all of my loved ones gang up on me and tell me how much they hate me. I used to have extremely bad separation anxiety from my mom when I was young we to the point where she had to drag me into class everyday screaming and crying because I already missed her so much and didn't want her to leave. Yeah, I was that kid. 

I am extremely on and off with my relationships and this was one of my break through moments with realizing my bpd. I am either head over heels in love with my boyfriend (or previous love interests) or I absolutely despise them and want nothing to do with them and the thought of even having to be around him makes me sick to my stomach. AND FOR SEEMINGLY NO REASON. I just go through intense love and intense hate stages with my loved ones. I rarely ever act out and it may because we're only 6 months into our relationship, but I prefer to just avoid him and hide when he is annoying me beyond belief. 

I could go on and on about my symptoms, but my main concern is I am so incredibly good at hiding them and putting on a mask and have been for so long that nobody even knows I have anything going on at all. My boyfriend is just now picking up on it and he can tell I get in "moods" and he always wants to talk to me about them but I'm extremely introverted and HATE talking about serious things. And before I just had no idea what was going on so it was extremely hard for me to explain what was going on when I had no idea myself. Now that I have a lot better understanding of myself and why I feel/do things the way that I do, I want to be able to communicate with him and I really want our relationship to work and I know that it can but it will require a lot of communication and I'm scared how he will react when I tell him I have an actual mental illness and I'm really nervous to try to explain splitting to him because I don't want him to think it's his fault and get all upset about it because most of the time it really doesn't have anything with what he's doing, at least that I've noticed. He just unfortunately has to feel the wrath of my moods and constant up and downs and black and white thinking.

I guess I'm just looking for some support, some answers, some friends I can talk to. I've never felt like I've known myself better than when I've researched bpd and read other people's situations so I'm just hoping to connect to some people out there. Also, I'm a 21 yr old female just FYI! 