No matter how hard I try to be a better person, it still isn’t good enough. 

I quit mokes last year, stopped smoking all day and all night, started having boundaries, I try to be aware of my bad qualities… and none of this has improved my life.

My dating/relationship life hasn’t improved at all even though I’m less clingy and try my hardest not to bring bad energy to them. 

I want to give up. My “best friend” and my new group of “friends” both ditched me this year. I only have one friend now and she’s someone who I don’t always agree with morally. I’m on my 3rd job of the year because I can’t handle working.

I don’t know why I even try. Nothing got better. I still sit on my phone all the time and do nothing even tho I only smoke weed at night now. I still hate myself. I still hate my life. 

All I want is healthy friendships and maybe a relationship. My life feels pointless and empty without them. Being around people and making memories is the only thing that makes me happy. I don’t really have that right now so I am not happy. 

I’m just so fucking sad. All I want is to be happy. I don’t know why it’s so hard. I understand I am a shitty person to be around and that’s why no one stays, but fuck, I’ve been trying so hard. Will it ever get better? It all feels futile, hopeless. I want to get addicted to cocaine or start moking again.