Today while I was working once again I listen to melancholic music the whole day (which I'm addicted to) and then it hit me I might have Stockholm syndrome with my depression.

Earlier this year I was in mental health rehab which helped me a lot to view world/people differently. After leaving rehab I thought that I might left depression for good, at least I would know now how to deal with it.  Months later I met this girl and after few months of dating I asked her if she would like to start serious relationship which she declined because for now she doesn't seek it and this is where I started to feel pleasure from my melancholic state. Till this day we still remain as a friends. I text her purposely goodnights/mornings knowing damn well she won't respond to it, thinking about scenarios which never gonna happen, thinking about the other guy she's texting. I think she's the fuel which ignites slowly my depression and in a strange way I feel comfort, I want it even thought I cry almost every night, sometimes I even start crying while I'm at work. 

I could end at least part of the pain by ending this friendship but I won't. I don't want to stop crying I don't want to stop feeling like a mess I like the way it's going and I probably won't stop until I get my depression back