Looking for some support/advice on dealing with a wife that has diagnosed BPD. She is also emotionally abusive, and we are working on trying to overcome it. I have communicated to her how I feel about the emotional abuse. She is highly critical and negative towards me. She will question why I don't do something the way she would have done it. She uses the classic black and white thinking on me pretty frequently. It's hard for me to be my own person around her. There is gaslighting, name calling, blaming. She is controlling. At times she has guilted and manipulated me into choosing her over my friends and family, very subtly so it's always my choice to do it, but if I don't I know I risk upsetting her. She has manipulated me into giving her my savings. Even though I am financially stable enough, she makes excuses for why I can't have my own car. Her negative attitude has made me a very negative person. My dream was to live at the beach and we got the opportunity to move to the beach 2 years ago for her job. She has made me hate every minute of it. She makes me feel like I can't enjoy it because she doesn't enjoy it. 

The abuse began very subtly and has only gotten worse from there. At first she would do it in private, at home or in the car. And now it has escalated into her doing it in public places. She will put me down in front of her friends and my family. Being questioned, interrogated, and put down several times a day for 4 years has started to eat away at my self-confidence and my sanity. Her negativity about everything, life, people, etc has influenced me to have a very negative attitude about life as well.

I try very hard to communicate to her very clearly my feelings about the way she treats me, and it gets us nowhere. Usually it would end in her being very apologetic and acknowledging she did something wrong and needs to change, and then the abuse would stop for a while, only to pick right back up again. It was a never-ending cycle that always resulted in me having to remind her that you don't treat people you love that way. And I'm at the point where I know I shouldn't continue being in a relationship with someone who has to constantly be reminded to not treat me like crap. She says it's the borderline and that she doesn't realize that she is doing it and that I just need to remind her. But I'm not sure I believe her.

We're at the point now where every time I bring up the abuse, or if I let her know that she was being too harsh on me, she'll get defensive, deny it, turn it around to make me the abusive one, play the victim, sulk, and then claim that she just isn't good enough for me. She makes me feel like I'm the bad person for ever bringing her abuse to her attention. At that point there's no hope for me even believing her behavior is going to change, temporarily or otherwise. 

I'm at the point in our relationship where I need to figure out how to make it work or to try to get out. Communicating my concerns just isn't getting us anywhere. I'm not sure what steps to take next.