I know its hard for some one with depression or feeling low to explain to people what triggers low moods or a 'blip' ( hours or days where feeling low ) as I call it. 

Still now after 2 attempt on my life and life in my head I still don't know why? Why do I feel like this now. I get phases where I'm ok for a days or even a week then out of the blue I get emotional for no reason. I don't know what triggers it.

I know past traumas in my life helps towards it but surely by now I've over come the thoughts of them. I know from conversations some of my traumas I can't even remember. I know I should express my feelings more to but I'm afraid that I'll upset people with my feelings. Which then will have to reassure them if feelings are hurt, which is draining. 

So here's mainly why I'm posting here randomly because I know here I won't get jidged for my feelings at this time.

I'm lonely, I have a family but I feel lonely. I hardly see them, my partner is amazing but at the moment she can't be here as she has to look after her mother most days (ftd dementia at a young). I feel my step daughter doesn't respect me as a co parent, I know kids are like that but not respecting or listening to anything I suggest or say to do or even wanting to spend time with her she ignores me and goes straight to her mother. 

I'm tired. I'm tired if putting a fake smile and having to be the one people rely on when they are having a shit time, but what about me? Sounds selfish I know but I've had no one ask "are you ok?". Like not a casual how you doing, like a serious are you ok how is mental health etc. Not one person in my life. My partner wants to help I know she does but she is breaking with seeing her mother slow8ng dying from this ftd.

I feel like I'm contributing to a long term suicide. I know this doesn't make sense but let me explain. I'm type one diabetic and can be very dangerous. What om saying is I'm not looking after my diabetes and its making my body slowly die. For example my feet I'm losing feeling in some toes and I'm only 29. I want to control my diabetes I do I just feel I'm slowly trying to kill my self in a way thay no can help, that no one can stop me. It's in the back of my mind all the time I know I should look sfter my self andi want to but it feels like that one thought that I can not be here under terms that no one can see. 

Seeing someone deteriorate in front of you and there is nothing I can do. By this I mean my partner love of my life, the most amazing women ever. But after the last few years looking after her mother I can see in her eyes, the way she acts, the way she is tired, crying for days on end. I hate it I can only help so much with her but she doesn't want help, she just wants best for her mother, which is great I understand. But she has a adult brother and her father who can help but they won't! But will come running to her if something is not right. I can see her crumbling and it is killing me ever day. I don't want her to end up like me, sad, tired, emotionless and feeling lonely. She jokes around about just running away and never coming back. She thinks thay I think she is joking but o know deep down she wants to leave.


I'm sorry for this rant. I needed to just express some emotions that I'm feeling. It's strange I can write all this but I can't explain it to people around me. I have so much more I want to just rant or express my self about my depression but I won't. If you did read this, thank you and I hope today is a wonderful day and the feelings are great today.