I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I thought it was social anxiety and maybe depression but I feel like it’s something deeper than that but idk what it is. I struggle a lot with developing close relationships and always feel deeply uncomfortable around other people. I never know what to do or say and feel so awkward. I’ve been taking online classes because I can’t deal with uni in person. I went to visit a friend at uni and was literally counting down how long I had left until I could leave. I felt so awkward; but I’ve become very good at masking so being social makes me feel so drained. My friends were also planning to go out that night but I made up a lie to get out of it because I couldn’t handle being in that space for any longer. The worse part is that it made me feel like shit making up an excuse because I wish I could find some enjoyment for socialising, but I literally get no reward from it. I do it because everyone says socialising is important and a good thing. Those that enjoy life socialise a lot. 

It was also my birthday the day after so it makes sense for me to want to go out with my friends, but instead I bailed, went home and spent my 21st doing absolutely shite. My parents are worried because it’s not normal for someone to want to spend their birthday in bed. I don’t know what to say to them because I don’t know why I’m like this either. Only 2 of my friends wishes me a happy birthday, and the ones who I thought I was closest to seemed to have forgotten. That made me feel shit too but I wasn’t surprised because I do not put enough effort into my friendships. 

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone knows why I act this way? I want to change and actually become someone who enjoys socialising and being around people but I don’t see that ever happening which makes me wonder what I’m living for.