I moved out to combat my depression, anxiety, ed, but it really doesn’t matter what environment I’m in. Ive come to the realization that I have always slept so late ever since I was a kid because I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts. Since living alone (1 month in) I’ve pulled 10+ all nighters, and the past 7 days I’ve been trying so hard to do better. I get in bed at 11 and then the fight starts, I have my eyes shut for hours and my heart palpitations get so bad, I’m scared of my thoughts and on top of that I get vivid realistic nightmares (always has to something to do with real life), I feel the trauma the second I put my head on a pillow so I’ve started sleeping on the couch and ground but to no avail. This time I pulled a sheet over my eyes on the ground and played a guided meditation for the 6274th time, but with palpitations all day and my depression hitting an all time low + lack of purpose + suicidal thoughts, the panic attack barreled into me and I crunched over from mental agony, got on my knees and started begging. To who or what I’m not even sure I’m not religious whatsoever but I just need a reason for why I was put in this world just to suffer like this. I disassociated, wiped the tears, and here I am typing. I feel so broken I don’t know what to do.