Not Asking For A Diagnosis. I just need to get this out. 

I (25 Male) on my throwaway account. I think a lot about just wanting to know what is wrong with me. In school I was the quite one who wore white shirt and sweat shorts all year long(Yes Including freezing temps.)  After about a year of working up to finally get help 2 years ago, it didn't help me understand anything about me at all.  

I went to a psychiatrist and got into therapy. Told both of those men way more then I ever had. A few months (4 and a half to be exact) in I finally worked up the courage to ask what my psychiatrist thinks is wrong. All he would say is "You have tendencies of OCD, SAD and GAD." I'd reply "So is that what I have?" He replies with "You have tendencies. I Just can't tell exactly what you would have in about 5 months."

My brain starts telling myself on how he hates me and now would think different of me. Especially letting him in on my flaws. (Outside of stuff like those 3 he mentioned, like tinnitus and how sharp or loud noises bother me to death. It's like I get flooded with anxiety. I can't understand tones.  I am slow at doing things, This was in school and at jobs because I always would focus on details because it needs to be perfect and couldn't just be fast. Fear of Mirrors, more so at night. How I copy from my environment as I don't feel emotions nor express them.  How I need things planned out at least a day in advance as I struggle to cope with last minute plans or changes to my day to day life.

And the most embarrassing thing of all. My breakdowns? Tantrums? I'm not even sure what to call it. It's like everything builds up and bam. A switch flips in my brain were I am irritable and more quite mixed in with slapping my face over and over. And repeating some things in a low tone (So I can't be heard) like "I f*ckin hate myself." Or highly controversial words that I never would say any other time.  (Id like this post to last so I'll leave it with that as I can keep listing different things.)

All the Psychiatrist wants to tell me is I have tendencies until more time has passed. All the Generic Zoloft he fed me (300mg a day) and yet he can somehow do it from tendencies?  This is why my brain starts telling me how he enjoys me coming so he can have a story to tell the others around a water cooler or worse (one thing I really struggle with) is getting me arrested and threw in a asylum where I can't live my life like a human.  This amongst my other day to day issues led me to no showing and never rescheduling with both. This was during a slump which is what I usually fall into after all that crap weighs on me. It can last days, even weeks. Sometimes it can be accompanied by a breakdown or tantrum.

Ever single job I have had always go with me getting worked up mentally until it's either a  breakdown on the job and never return or just no show from being so drained. When that slump hits it's like I can't get anything accomplished because I am exhausted. 

I have no friends. I used to have one in school but we don't talk no more as he has is co-worker friends. I can't bother him.  I find it hard to want a romantic relationship due to my communication skills are bad. I use big words no one seems to remember from school. I just don't know how people can casually conversate. Heck eye contact alone feels like their soul and hate get sent into my eyes and it's just another one of them things that build up. 

But I gotta keep strong. Can't let parents know just how bad I actually am. But with how dependent I am on them (Housing, Food, Go to doctors with me and Handle phone calls; Thankfully I have found a way to generate 400 dollars a month to pay for my college debt I dropped out on.) I don't know how I am gonna get this figured out. What I do know is I would like to one day to get a Doctor to tell me what's wrong and hopefully be accepted by my family. I know having a Doctor tell you whats wrong isn't necessary but just knowing after all these years sounds blissful. It is why my head keeps saying "All That I Want Is To Know What's Wrong"