(POSSIBLE TW/ slight mention of abuse)

although i know unstable relationships is just part of having bpd, it’s one of the symptoms i say i struggle with the most. my relationships are always very short lived and intense right off the bat. this goes for both romantic and platonic relationships. 

i’ve been seeing someone (L) for a bit of time now and he is wonderful in every way. he takes the time to learn about me and bpd so he can understand to the best of his ability how to help me and why i act the way i do sometimes. although i try my best not to freak out and accuse him of hating me and going to hurt and leave me, he always handles it very well. we are even going to be moving in together in a few months. 

however, im not used to being treated like a person and it feels uncomfortable. the man i was seeing before (A) him had SA’d and hit me before and led me on for months. yet i still keep texting him and hooking up with him occasionally. no, i am not cheating, we are not official yet since it’s a LDR and he wants to move to my state first before it’s official. 

i know this hurts L, but i can’t seem to stop talking to A. i was used to his abuse and cruelty towards me. when L and i have a slight disagreement i want to run away and never speak to him again. im scared one day this will be too much for him, especially since he knows im still in contact with A. 

L is someone good for me that i see a future with, but the thought of losing him one day is too much to even think about and it makes me want to ruin it now so i don’t have him leave me in the future. i don’t know how to get better for him.