I cannot bring myself to shower unless I know that nobody else is in the house and that nobody will come into the house while I am in the middle of showering. I live with my parents. My father works from home. My mother only works part time. I never go out. So I am never alone and I never shower. I feel very dirty. I wish I could shower every day because I hate being unclean. I don't know what I am afraid of. It sounds absurd. It is absurd. If I simply took a shower and my parents heard the water running then they would probably think nothing of it. They might even be pleased to know that I were taking care of my hygeine. They never make comments or tell me to wash but I know that they notice that I smell bad. But then why am I so afraid of being "caught in the act" as if it were something shameful to want to be clean? I don't know. Whatever the reason, I despise myself for it.

I don't know why I wrote this. I don't expect to get any advice that I haven't already considered and I don't expect anyone to care. I know that I just need to stop being such a coward and that writing about it on Reddit is not going to help. I think that I just wanted to tell someone that I feel this way.