I have been seriously suspecting myself to be autistic for over a year now, but I’m starting to think it might be BPD. (Ik they can coexist, but it seems no one wants to take me seriously for autism, so one thing at a time ig). 

I had a chaotic childhood. My mom was a raging alcoholic and my father is just a pos. They’re both narcissistic and played a lot of mind games with me and my sister. They ruled off fear and manipulation but also pretended like nothing happened. (You get it. Just setting the stage). 

I’m 17 now and... I’m in shambles. Have been. But I’m seeing myself go down a bad path. If I were to describe the bad qualities of myself:
-spending sprees, binge eating, (was) smoking thc literally all day everyday, somewhat reckless driving, unsafe sex
-never feeling “real”, like I’m in a VR headset all the time 
-immense anxiety around missed opportunities and not fitting in (isolation)
-(rarely now) intense rage that can last for hours 
-extremely low self esteem, validation seeking even from people I’m not close to or don’t even like
-no friends lol
-alternating btw loving and hating myself quickly
-paranoia of others and in general 
- I became unhealthily obsessed w my ex best friend
-I find myself helplessly attracted to toxic, narc, and even dangerous people

The list doesn’t stop there but those are all the BPD ones I can think of. 

I want to get back into therapy but my last therapist didn’t end well so I’m hesitant. 

(And I know a lot of these are common for teenagers, but I’m barely functioning and don’t think this is normal anymore)