Somehow I made it way too far through life making sense of everything of my of my BPD/BD/ADHD without a diagnosis. After  15 years of substances in drinking, And potentially the end of my 2nd marriage.  I felt like I needed to make some sort of last ditch effort to get rid of the way that I feel because if I feel this strongly about this woman then she must be worth fighting for ( My BPD brain making sense of sense of my fear of abandonment). I quit drinking went to therapy and got a psychiatrist. Shortly after I found out a lot about what was going on upstairs.  I've never had something like BPD make more sense of my life. It's really interesting how the mind works and can make sense of things. As I find out what I have a lot of things are becoming visible but it's very confusing. 

Now to the meat and potatoes. My wife and kids are at grandma's house and I am Losing it. I don't remember how heavy this existential dread and suffering is and how irrational the thoughts are when faced with such with such Potential abandonment And dramatic life changes. It seems I have found a bit of security in my family. Or I am getting more numb to the pain.  I can't stop looping. But I'm only looping and one of my identities, Another one is strong enough and he can function but depending on my environment I might move to a different identity without my knowledge. See I have made it 38 years without even knowing I had identity issues. I still don't really know how to process that or how to separate them and identify my identities.

It's really interesting to see how many emotions I feel I'm rushing back that may have not been around since before my wife and I got together 10 years ago. They lie dormant in the background and then with one trigger Bang hello I'm here and I'm angsty. I want to fuck something up and then take my own life. Woah guy chill. I have kids chill out who the hell are you. Seriously like my whole life is a lie. 

Im all by myself And I'm feeling feelings that I haven't felt a long time.  I have a ton of things that I'm supposed to be doing but every time I think I'm gonna do it I swear I can't.  If I try to force it I feel like oh like I start splitting on myself or or starting to get manic. And then I stop myself and I cry and then you're adjust your rational emotions all over the place. Where's part is like I want my wife because she grounds me and every time I get to a point where it's like too much my brain says where's my wife and then when I remember she's not there Is the heart rate sky rockets.  I don't know why but I'm trying to pay attention to Each of the characteristics within the identities as i sit through the enb and flow of emotions. but I have no where to begin to think about anything really. With splitting and all the rage.. I feel like this is some sort of damn movie. 

Worst part about it. Is when I go back to try to tell people  that wrote me off because I hurt them. And say something to the effect of "It''s not me, i was diagnosed as an asshole and I can't stop it, I'm sorry but if we hang out I'm going to do it again. Well over and over really."  I'm sure you guys know how this one ends. 

 I have lots of questions I really don't want to keep hurting people.  

 Plus with my wife and I both being Neuro Divergent, I'm pretty sure both of our kids are gonna need their parents to have as much knowledge on this kind of thing is possible so when they're ready we will be ready too