“You’re an absolute psychopath. Figure it out yourself, I’m done helping you.” 

I was violent this morning. Split and dissociated bad due to being misunderstood. Pushing shoving type stuff, I’ve been a lot better with aggression. It’s really hard though, to have a mental illness that can manifest that kind of behavior.

I am not a violent person, cannot watch videos with real life violence it makes me sick. But when my words fail and I’m not believed in, not taken seriously, when you don’t stop doing what you’re doing that is hurting me... its like an instant split. I’m thrown from my body I’m not in charge I don’t make the movements of the thoughts. A self defense mechanism kicks in, if you won’t stop by my words my body will force you.

So much shame in it. That was me who did that, and yet it wasn’t. Violence is such a serious thing, especially in a relationship. How am I to on one hand allow myself the patience and understanding that I am not innately evil, I am very sick and seeking help as I know I need, and yet on the other hand I am repulsed, in need of punishment.