They say that the average man cries anywhere between 5-17 times a year, and other studies say as much as 22 times. I don’t know if I’ve reached either of those. Maybe I did in the past; I dunno. But at the very least since the start of the pandemic, I’m not sure if I’ve cried at all. Not really, anyway. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been good at crying. I know it’s good for me, and all, but I can’t even when I try. The last time I can vividly remember my crying, tho I assume and am pretty positive there’s probably other times, was in junior year of high school. I was sad or some girl or something. Can you imagine being so privileged that you can cry over a girl? I wish I could be that lucky again. Even then though, I remember I still had to make an effort. I could tell I needed to cry, and I knew it would take some work to make it happen. But still, at least it came out. 

It’s years later now and I am not positive that I have cried more than like twice or three times in these last two years. If even that… I can’t even remember them, i’m just guessing. Now, I’ve had every reason to cry for several weeks straight and I don’t. I just filled my midterm exam, I couldn’t have possibly gotten more than 15 out of 100 points, And my life is nothing but work, and on the news I can see that my delusional country is doing nothing but going to shit as rules block anyone from doing anything meaningful, and I am behind on my major, and I doubt I’ll be able to graduate in four years, and I have no motivations on what I want to major in anyway, and all I have to look forward to is being a slave to the machine, or dying in a ditch, and all of my friends barely know me, and they recently lost one of my biggest safe spaces, and even with all of that I can’t do anything to turn anything around. And I want to cry. But I can’t. I think I’ve been trying for like an hour, terms of been hit hard enough that my eyes are getting blurry and some droplets would come out. But I can’t make anything more than that. I just wanna cry. For like six minutes.

It’s taking everything I have not to just give up and let my academic record be destroyed. But I can’t keep doing this I need to let it out and I don’t know how.

I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t want to see my friends. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to do anything I just want to quit. One of my friends quit. I wish she was here right now. I miss her.

I don’t even know who I could turn to. I think I need a therapist. But whenever I want to get one, how would I do it? I have to go through my mom. And she wants me to get one so bad. She never shuts up about it. I feel like if I tell her anything, I just prove everything right that she thinks about me but says she doesn’t.


I just want to give up on it all and be a dependent for the rest of my life. That sounds so nice.