Lately, I've been feeling rather defeated. I have worked seasonally for the last 9 years at a very busy summer resort. In the winter, I work as an ECE in early childhood educational programs. The facility that I used to work at closed permanently, and due to the unpredictability during the current pandemic, I decided to stay home for the winter. In hindsight, this was a mistake. 

I don't do well when I am not keeping busy. I overthink things and get stuck in my own head a lot. I went from being on my feet for 15 hours a day to being almost static. I've gained weight, and I feel emotionally and physically weak. I haven't been sleeping, and I  spend most of the night aimlessly scrolling facebook, which just makes me feel worse. I haven't been hiking in months, which is usually my way to regroup. 

The kids have been home for the best part of the month, and my patience for the repetitive tasks of cleaning up after them is wearing me thin. I live in an isolated community, and most of the adult conversations I get are random strangers on the internet or elderly people in the same grocery store lineup. I feel useless and unmotivated. It's not a fun feeling, and I am probably not very fun to be around, which again just makes me feel worse.  I'm just not built for this. I'm used to being a provider. 

I've applied for lots of jobs and had a few phone and in person interviews. I got hired as an ECE, but it's a casual position, and I haven't actually been called with any hours yet. I applied for a government training program for a career change, but I won't be accepted into the program despite passing all their requirements because I am not vaccinated. I am running out of options, and for my sanity, I contacted a previous employer to work for peanuts, just so I could leave the house without kids. Again, she'll call me when she has hours for me.
 I'm not sure what I should be doing with myself, but i know that this isnt it...