My therapist told me I probably have borderline personality, but I'm getting a formal diagnosis later today. It's been such a struggle to get to this point. 

She told me last December that this was likely my issue, but I ignored her because I felt like, if this was what was wrong with me, it meant I was a horrible person even though I know having BPD doesn't mean that... 

Because I ignored it...and kept trying to fix things on my own, I fucked up my life royally. I lost my two very best friends because of my suicidalness and inability to be alone with my emotions..and the shit testing, seeing if they still wanted me by pushing them away. 

I just blew it all up, I ruined the most important thing in my life trying to act like I could get better on my own. My therapist pushed me in April about the borderline diagnosis since anti depressants have never worked for me...and here I am now. It's been nearly 3 months since I lost my friends and I just don't know what to do.

I have other friends, and another best friend who has been at my side despite all this, but it hurts so much. It hurts knowing that I lost the most important people in my life because of a disease. I know I'm a good person... and a great friend. I know they miss me too and have said that they care about me...but that it's better off this way they say. It's so hard. If only I wasn't so messed up...that's what I feel like. 

I don't want to lose their love. I have such few friends to begin with because I'm so terrified of opening up. It takes me years to loosen up around people... I've never felt so hurt in my life, even when my own family tossed me out of the house...it's nothing compared to losing people who actually love you. 

