This is an explanation, 
not an excuse!

To my ex wife,
you will never read this letter,
but this realisation and process is the fruit of our separation.

Our relationship started like a fire, it was an amazing begin, but as ALL my relationships it pretty fast turned into a toxic/challenging one to say the least.

Besides all the incompatibilities, there was one big problem, huge problem...
Undiagnosed mental illness on my side, and co-dependency on yours, won't even try to diagnose you outside of that. After our separation I decided that it is time to start uncovering the fog, the hell it often becomes, causing me to drag the ones closest to me unknowingly though the mud.

I always knew there was something wrong with me, and I always knew that I hurt the ones that care about me, especially women, but you I really took for the longest ride out of all the previous ones, because you just didn't let go! That, and the combination of me unknowingly trying to "Escape into Health", a term I learned in therapy lately… When I met you I started idealising you from the moment I saw you, mainly because this is how my brain works, I can be uninterested in the most wonderful women, but the moment a sexual desire comes in hand with a certain fantasy, my desire awakens and I have to conquer, I have to have it! And you were the perfect candidate, in a long term relationship, about to move in with your ex, seemed unreachable/unavailable, feeding my desire even more...

So shortly after you were mine I decided to marry you, even-though I would laugh at the thought that I will ever get married, an impulsive reaction to a never returning event triggered me to ask you to be my wife, never plenned it, just got carried away, and you just said yes! But again, I unknowingly was escaping into a "healthy" future, with a wonderful, kind, loving, caring, PURE girl... Wanting to clean myself, and glue myself to this beautiful healthy image! I didn’t even know you anything near well, I just had this ideal picture in my head and you were “it”.

Our marriage was far from ideal, even-though we both couldn't put the finger on the problem, because there was openness and care one for another. You were crazy inlove with me, and me? I loved you the way I could/knew and was capable of. I know now that I go by infatuation, immature shortlived intense love-bombing etc. But to romantically love someone is not something I have experienced yet.

I always made sure that you will learn and improve, become stronger and more practical, ready for life kind of trainingl- Check ✅
You morphed into what you thought I wanted you to be, but that was never the real you, and that caused even more confusion and disconnection from my gut feeling. I am afraid that I also damaged you, because of the way I treated you. I was often distant, not attracted to you the way I should have been, avoided intimacy, and wasn't really connected, while believing that I am there 100% for you!? When all of the above had nothing to do with you! It was a direct result from my fucked up being, and when I finally got my diagnosis it all made sense! I wasn't bummed out by it, I felt guilt and shame for not knowing it before, for causing so much harm and pain to so many people in my life because of a fucked up condition like Borderline Personality Disorder, the spectrum is big, but still it pretty much hit the nail on it's head. 
You must understand, I could never be like you, when I love I love unconditionally one moment and hate you the next. How often I exploded on you because of something stupid you did, and an hour later was washed by guilt and love-bombing you while "realising" how amazing you actually are?! Although you lying, forgetting, being irresponsible, childish, drinking problem, passive aggressive and so on really didnt help. I still tell people that you are a wonderful person, but you did manage to trigger me all-the-fucking-time!

There is no inbetween in anything, it's either black or white, the inbetween is a place of discomfort and stress, not in the good way. I find my peace in the discipline, in the clear limits, not inbetween.

After the divorce you told me that you have kissed someone else from your past before we got married (knowing that in my book thats cheating, and I would dump you that same instant), but the most surprising was that I could not care less, that surprised me more than anything because I always feared that this will break me hearing about such betrayal from the person I "trust" (which I never actually have). But no, I just felt great that now we both have a reason to look down on you!
My psychiatrist says that its because of my "ambivalent attachment style" that I dont really care, because I never connected in the first place.Its like there is a pathological inability to attach, and me being able to leave creates a false sense of control over the situation. How can one attach to someone if there is no trust, and to think that I disregarded a few essential characteristics in you because you seemed the most trustworthy person I met, and than you cheat?! Haha, that is ironic! Only solidifying my distrust in women. I could bet my life on the fact that you will never do anything like that, ironic...
Often I hoped you would cheat so that I will have a legit reason to leave you, because admitting that the marriage was shit, that we got carried away, that its insane to live together... was just not something I would do after saying "I Do". You were the enabler in this relationship, not having a spine or a voice in this marriage, and I was a raging bull that just needed some structure/boundaries, it was just a bad mix of characteristics that spiraled out of control, a train that had to crash inorder for me/us to wake up. 

I always felt fond of you, loved to play "caring" at times, but real deep feeling of love? I dont even know what that means.. If I google the definition of love than yes, I loved, but it just feels so strange.
The closest confusion to love I had is if a infatuation is cut off before it passes, than I become obsessed in my head about the "what if's", but that's nothing close to love either. I honestly do wish the best for you, and I always worry about you reaching a safe and good life. That's part of our parent-child dynamics.

With therapy, combination of a relationship therapist and a psychiatrist, I now realise how fucked up my childhood was, that I am a product of such deep rooted pain that there isn't really a "real" solution for it. Abandonment, sexual abuse, neglect, and to be honest just an endless list of childhood trauma's is what must be the reason for all of this. On paper I look amazing, but broken as fuck! Like a broken piece of glass that you glue back, will just remain broken. The debilitating self doubt and shame is fucking awful, luckily for you you will never understand this, I mean it well. The self talk in my brain is telling me all the time that everything can end any moment now, maybe having my father tell me on a daily basis that he can die any moment (and it will be my fault), or that we can end up on the street any day now is just stuck on repeat and never goes away.
That and all the other reminders about what a total failure I am, that I should have never been born, that i am the son of Satan (we aren't even religious) are just the first things that come to mind because they were repeated the most, and I just cant shut this fucking noise down.

I became a master in mimicking emotions just to hide the constant shame and fear I live with. What you see infront of you is often me being you, feeding your ego, also when you dont think so. I dont do this on purpose, its just a way to feel loved/accepted, by causing you to feel pleasant emotions for me, it feeds my insecurities.. the step after that is that I at times start to show you the real me, because I think you are strong enough to handle it, i want to know if your love will pass the test.. its all the time "test-time", and with every test you passed I became more secure. The catch is is that the insecurity well is so deep that I dont know when it will end. I just exhaust you, sucking your soul in the process. Only in the extremes I feel comfortable, finally feeling something. How can I love if I dont love myself? Suffering in silence is so much easier and full-filling, because sharing this with others most likely pushes them away, makes them realise how fucked up I am, making it impossible to really know me, but how could anyone really know me? I don't even know myself... The emptiness inside is insane! But on the outside it's far from evident. I can be the light of the party, while simultaneously contemplating killing myself that same evening. 

At times wording it can come out so dark/sinister that people just think I am insane, and slowly fade away from my life. I learned how to talk and behave, like the great pretender that I am, because at times speaking out my true emotions/intentions might freak people out so bad that they will either leave or use that against me at some point.

I do have good times, I do have fun and will be happy to be alive, but rest assured those moments can change in an instant, and when those moments come it feels like there is no one out there that can either really understand or help in any way, that’s when the suicide fantasies spiral out of control. The thing is, anything can trigger it, an argument, a personal comment, a thought… And immediately the first reaction is to think that everything and everyone will be better off if I just die, and that feeling stays for pretty long. I don’t really wish to die, but it does seem like the right thing to do. That feeling of emptiness overpowers basically everything, nothing helps. Nothing at all feels real, and nothing matters.

Even after an episode the feeling of emptiness doesn’t go away, I always search for things to fill the emptiness, drugs help a lot, any addiction helps- fight sports, powerlifting, but even then it all feels weird, empty, foggy, like shit! So eventually when nothing really helps anymore I turn to what feels most familiar- and that is pain. Either self-abuse, self-harm, or causing situations that cause to feel alive, mainly fights!
Pain is default, everything that comes after that is forced, happiness, excitement, hope…I'd like to note that I can behave cruelly and irrationally, not to excuse my behaviour but when I do it is because I am cycling through crippling emotional pain, lost sense of self, and the world feels like it swallowing me very fast!With intense fear of abandonment being one of the core symptoms of BPD, along with an unstable sense of self and very low tolerance for criticism, I do not wish to set myself up for being hurt. Not that someone would necessary hurt me, but I take precautions just incase by pushing people away.
When I fight/argue, I do that because in those instances I feel alive, actually feel a rush of overwhelming excitement, simultaneously need to do whatever is necessary to protect you from me. I pretty much hate myself, and I hate the pain I cause to my loved ones. But the hatred fills the emptiness and that helps me at least feel, feel something I know and relate too. So hate me as much as you want, I can assure you I hate myself way more! We all have trauma’s, some people overcome them, some get stuck.

Now I finally stand alone, I love me so much more when I am alone, its like I can breath again, the fog disappears more and more with every l
passing day since D-day. That way I am at peace, and best part is that I don't hurt anyone anymore. I hated causing you pain, but damn you "asked for it" so often! We both have to forgive ourselves for staying such a long time in such an unhealthy relationship. Neither of us was the partner the other one wanted nor hoped for.. We just did the best we could at that given time, minus all those understandings that we each came to as a result of our divorce. One of those cases where we had to rip the walls down inorder to build something new.

Having said all that I still feel blessed with my BPD, it also makes me unique and special in a way I chose not to explain here.
Slowly learning new skills in order to emotionally regulate myself, how to navigate through life in a healthier and more stable less impulsive manner.