I was depressed and suicidal for the last 1 year and in this year in Jan I felt like I could finally kms but couldnt. I tried talking to 1 or 2 friends then and then thought that if I try hard enough I can get better but I was wrong it all just a delusion and when you realize, you are in a worse spot then you were before. Rant:

I am from India so here to get into a good engineering college you have to write a exam called JEE( almost 10 lakh students give this exam every year and barely 15000 or so get into the best colleges and another 30-40k students get into just average colleges). Till 10th I was a really good student never had less than 90% so I thought I could easily clear JEE. Then covid hit and I basically wasted my 2 prep years after 10th. i got addicted to porn and video games, I hardy studied anything. By the end of 11th I realised it and then went on a downward spiral became depressed, started having suicidal thoughts and still I didnt stop games and porn instead it became my coping mechanism. Wasted 12th as well and by Jan-feb I was in at my worse point and was probably gonna end up killing myself then but then a friend talked me out of it and asked me to try again and all that motivational stuff it gets better and so on... . I then started studying but my concentration was pretty bad and would then end up wasting my time. Earlier this month I gave the exam and I thought it went well and was feeling great that I was getting better. But I was delusional today result came and I got like 35/300 how could someone even score this low. My rank would be like 6-7 lakh, I wasted my parents money, broke their trust and ruined my life all because of fkn porn and some games that I ended up spending most of my time on imagine being so retarded that you are basically ruining your life by it and still continue doing it. I dont know what to do with my life. I have no interest in anything. I took this because I thought I could easily do it but I cannot. I dont have a goal in my life all I am doing is basically trying to survive. I see no point in living because I dont know what I want to do, I have no ambitions no dreams nothing. I just want to die but I am too pussy to kill myself.

I basically wrote it to get it off my mind, any help/advice is appreciated but there isnt really anything that could help or make my situation better. The only thing which will make it better is I that I dont wake up again after I sleep tonight.