I am a summa cum laude. Initially, I was happy with my achievement. The people around me were proud and happy: my family, friends, previous teachers, classmates, and even strangers. I don't often post about anything that I've achieved. It's something I've always done in order to keep myself humble. But it's not the point of this post...

I am graduating soon enough. I'm 19 years old now, and I have a workaholic attitude and introverted personality. I can socialize very well, in fact. It's just that constantly socializing drains me. I have a healthy social life - or I'd like to think so. My parents try to give as much as they can. I have good relationships with those around me. With all of these things, one would expect to be satisfied with life. 

I am not satisfied. I feel burnout. I feel unhappy. I'm... sad? I can't name which one it is. Knowing that my hardwork paid off is special in a way, you know? But it makes me realize that I've always worked hard to be at the top of my class. Now I'm slowly realizing that I've worked hard with no regard to my own happiness. I'm usually doing homework. It's always homework. It's tiring. It sucks. 

I want to work hard for myself. I want a better future. I want to have these achievements. I want to be well-rounded. I want all of them. 

But must I sacrifice my happiness for all of these? It's irrational, I know. But I've never been to a party before. I've never hang out with a group of friends outside of school. I've never dated with someone and did something special. I've always refused suitors because I am always busy. I am wondering if I'm missing out a lot of opportunities in my life. But there's nothing that I can do. I am tied down to my responsibilities. As much as I don't want to admit, I am slowly feeling empty. I no longer feel genuinely contented and happy with the way things are. I want a change... at least I've tried. I tried to do a bunch of things to keep myself well-rounded, and to also become self-efficient. I hated how I have to rely on others. Perhaps it's one of the reasons why I cannot open up to close friends and/or family. I wanted to prove that I am capable... but it's so tiring. They can't understand this anyway. They'll say it's for my future, that I just need to persevere. Until when though? I feel like giving up. 

Since I started college, I told myself that I am going to graduated as a summa cum laude. And here it is. My goal is manifesting... it's working out well. However, it feels as though I'm fixed in one path.. and there's nothing that I can do to change it. 

So, I'm graduating soon... but I am not happy. I should be grateful, but I just couldn't bring myself. I don't know what to do. I can't fix myself. I can't change my emotions. What do I do? Please help...