From as far as I can remember I suffered from severe anxiety (at 3-4yo when the school bus arrived, I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry). When some kind of event happened (eg birthday), I would usually cry or throw up. I also thought my mother would die soon because my parents were older than my classmates their parents. Being immigrants my parents dont know anything about anxiety or mental health, and I dont think the school cared in the small rural town we lived.

Growing up it would be better over time, but I still suffer from different kinds of anxieties, as I find it very hard to get in contact with girls because I'll get extremely nervous. Even imaging or thinking about having a girlfriend, makes me very nervous. This, combined with some urges and perv behavior in the past (+/- 6 years ago) that really really really bothers and ashames me *creep-alert*:&gt;! (I took pictures of girls/women from my car, masturbate to them at home, and delete them - PS: they weren't naked, just normal summer clothes, this extremely bad behavior suddenly stopped because I once panicked thinking that someone saw me. I think this went on for a month. Luckily, I don't feel any urge like that anymore, but it still haunts me to this day)!&lt;, makes myself feel I'm some of creep/pervert that can not ever be helped nor loved. I also feel like I stare too often when I see a girl or women and my urges frustrate me at the same time.

Other than that I also get extremely nervous anywhere where there are a lot of people I do not know and I have to do something myself, eg Buffet, supermarket, let alone give a speech/presentation in college, not sure how I survived all that.

However 4 years ago, something strange happened. I had some stress at work, and this resulted in me getting nightmares of my mother dying, . I would also feel shit during the day, and would randomly burst in tears because of that thought. I reached out to my brother, I wish he advised me to seek help, but he did not unfortunately (at that moment, I simply did not realize what was going on). These attacks kept going on for 2-3 months and did not come back.

However last year, I was suffering yet again from real Anxiety attacks. This would happen after one of my friends kept asking me: *Why dont you have a girl friend yet*? That's when I started to wonder, what's actually wrong with me? I always thought I was shy, but is this what shy is supposed to be?

I would track the attacks in an app and they would come back every 2 to 3 days. After 5 months of suffering, I went to my GP and prescribed me Paroxetine. 

I can say the Paroxetine worked for me, as far as the attacks. However, I still worry a lot - I do have Anxiety, do I also have another mental illness? Do I have Borderline? Am I Bipolar? Do I suffer from compulsive sexual behavior? This is basically how my brain works..Five months ago I was worried I had borderline, now I'm worried I have CSB.

I still find it very hard to form a bond with someone, (afraid of being hurt, afraid of losing someone, afraid of myself, find myself a creep/perv, and so on and so on). And I guess being a virgin at my age also doesn't improve my self confidence.

As I believe the meds reached their goal as far as stopping the attacks, I think only therapy will be able to really help me (hopefully).

Sorry for the long text, I thought it was good sharing my story. I never had any therapy before and I'm really nervous, and honestly I don't even know where to start when I'm there and I dont know if I should say everything or leave some stuff out (the creepy stuff).

Much love.