Have no idea where to start 

I saw a few times subreddits like anxiety, depression but didnt know that I would ever post here anything. I have problems with depression and anxiety for 8-9 years. Im still young - 24 years old male. 

It all started when I was at high school without warning, without any specific reason. One day I didnt go to school because I had stomach pain and retching, next day too and after a few days refusing to go back to school I ended in hospital. I had so many tests: head ct, gastroscopy and a lot of more. They found nothing, so after 2-3 weeks tests they offered to meet with the hospital psychologist. After that I got a diagnosis - anxiety states. It was devastating information. I was hoping to get some pills, and go back to normal life but this? I wasnt ready for this. 

Its too long story, anyway I didn't go back to school .... well I did, but not to class with my friends. I had individual lessons, I have been on several psychotherapies, I had and still have pharmacological help. I managed to finish high school. I moved away from my parents and even went to college. This is what the recent years and my situation look like in a nutshell. I haven't finished my studies, tried but I had difficulty entering the exams, but still trying. Its really embarassing to be on first year (4 years in row)

I had a few jobs,  I am quite independent and somehow manage but always feel on the edge. I dont know even how to describe it. 

I still avoid a lot of things - crowded places, public transport, closed rooms with people, even meeting my best friends was something I felt dreaded. Dreaded?! I dont know if that's the word. These are the situations in which I feel:

somatic symptoms, the feeling of needing to run away, uncomfortable feeling, feeling like I DONT WANT TO DO THIS.

That's why today I am almost completely lonely if its not too late and maybe I should say completely lonely and this feelings inside of me, that Im on the edge, lack of sense, pure fear, lack of motivation, too often saying no. 3 months ago my contract ended at work, which I did not renew. I was struggling there so I figured I'd look for a job as a junior python, Im still looking - well, last 2 months I feel so bad inside that I send one or two cv's in week, sometimes not even one.

My head is not working with my body, I cant think, cant eat, cant concentrate, cant focus. I tried to eat healthy, at least exercise a little. I am abstinent for I think 5 years. Nothing helps NOTHING. I cant stay alive. I have tried to eat a lot of  bananas as a natural antidepressant - Nothing. Doesnt matter if I smoke or not. For this feeling it's whatever. 

I have had one psychiatrist for a long time. The last time I saw him was probably 2 years ago. I guess I should talk to him soon I expect what I can hear a little. I don't even know if it's worth it, especially since visits are very expensive and I'm out of work and I'm running out of money

Why I post here today? 

In order not to sit in my room all days, I go to the park on my bike to catch at least 20-30 minutes of sun. I'm not really a crying person, I don't remember the last time I cried, but today something broke inside me. When I was going to get the bike, I felt that something was wrong, because I felt that I wanted to cry. I thought it was about to pass, I'll go to the park, sit on a bench, read a book and it will pass, but on the way I started to cry a little. I stared at one bench where no one saw me, and I fell apart completely. It's not a little cry, I started to sob and couldn't stop   and i cant stop till now. I broke down completely, I don't even know why, but I feel very bad. Even as I write this, tears are running down my cheeks. I'm terribly afraid and don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with me and how to deal with it.

This is not life, life should contain at least a little joy or happiness, but don't know if mine has had it for even a little bit for 8 years. You cannot and you cannot live like that. Anxiety took so much from me

I don't even know what to expect from this post. What I wrote even in 20% does not reflect how I feel