When I wake up its like, damn....   Off to fight the demons in my head once again.  

  
I'm not going to hide behind a throwaway account as no one I know uses Reddit. Well, my dad does but he died last month.   As an introvert to the fullest I have 3 friends now.  One is my mom and the other is my stepmom and my other friend that is an introvert in his own way as we only talk a few times a year.    


I am dealing with so many injuries that life just has not been fun for the past 20 years.  I pretty much have given up on living.   I have surgery in a few weeks to temporarily fix one issue as they cant do the real surgery as my weight is too much since it would be a non bearing weight type surgery for a few months.   Which in turns keeps the cycle going for me as I cant even get surgery done.   So I will eat more.  Yep I'm the emotional eater.     


I have tingling/numbness and weakness in my arm.  So doing simple activities it will get tired after a min or so.   Both ankles are bad from military service as well as the bad arm above.  Yeah military.   The depression started in the military when I was assaulted while stationed in south korea by by section sgt and a specialist.   Never said a word.  Kept it to myself for the past 20+ years.   In turn that fkd up any connection with others so it started my separation from reality i guess and my depression.   I dont like to be touched.  I dont like life therefore it caused lack of empathy in others.   I dont trust anyone except for my 3 friends.     


My last primary care person at the VA was  a douch.  I was telling him my symptoms for maybe "hormone imbalance" and he told me not to give him symptoms but give him the diagnosis.. Not to tell him what happened in 2017 as its 2022.  So of course in my mental state I started crying and walked out.   I have a new  primary and she is excellent and wants to follow up on my cyst on my pituitary gland as well as hormone check.     


I dunno.  It sucks waking up everyday knowing you feel like shit and shit just hurts when you move.    


Thanks for reading if you did.  This helped me for the time being.