A common theme in mental health is being self obsessed. But not self centered...more like consumed by your own emotions and intrusive thoughts. I spent so much time in pain that all I could do was survive. I couldn't see past my pain. I couldn't empathize with anyone. I was blinded. I saw everything but didn't see reality...I saw only that which validated my fears and paranoia. Such that I felt I was the only victim.
But my actions and words too have consequences. I am finally at step one.

I needed to formally acknowledge all the toxic behavior and stop pointing fingers. I wrote over 8 pages outlining my jerk-like INTJ elitist behavior and all of my BPD anger and fear fueled harsh words and actions. I looked deep inside, didn't like what I saw, but wrote it all down anyway.

I wish my spouse would do this for me so I can have closure to everything that triggered me...all the painful nights of sleeping alone for 2 years. But this will never happen. Not everyone is capable of this kind of introspective semi-non-bias self assessment. It took a long time to get here.

The phrase I wrote that meant the most:
"You loved me the most when you knew me the least."

Step 2, run five miles, shower, eat a healthy meal, read a few chapters in Dune, and not drink tonight.

My hands are shaking because I haven't had a drink. I can do this. If I drink, I'll just spiral into negative memories, then split, then text a bunch of mean nonsense to her, then pass out. Then wake up covered in shame.

Its never too late to change. While I listened to her reasons why she felt a divorce was necessary, I was making my own list why I shouldn't kill myself. I came up with a longer list than I thought. Basically my children, the smell of a forest, and the taste of sushi. I'm camping with my children next weekend. We will have a camp fire. Reason number 4.