I have been dating my boyfriend, J, for about 6 months now. He has BPD and is kind of in denial about it most of the time (his mom is italian catholic and a doctor. Says it all), and I also have BPD but im very open about it. It’s made our relationship so positive which surprised me, because there is such a feeling of recognition with him because we think so similarly. I really truly adore him and we really call each other out on our bullshit. When i’m upset with him and i go on a little crazy girl disappearing act, he calls me out and will come over every single time to check on me. When he is yelling and screaming and telling me i cant leave him or he’ll die, i do what i would want someone to do for me, and i first calm him down and reassure him THEN i set a boundary and remind him that threats are not the way to keep someone around. For the most part, we can see right through each other and it creates a sense of comfort. However, we’re running into a lot of road blocks from external issues. His ex constantly bothers him, and i nitpick everything he does because i obsess over consistency. It’s affecting my feelings constantly, like if J and i are good and we had a good day, i go to my job and i make sure to clean and get things done for “me”, and when he cant come sleepover or forgets to tell me something and i feel lied to and now everything is Bad and there is no Hope and i will never be Loved yadda yadda yadda.

BASICALLY: i need to know how to separate my identity from his and him the same for me. He has genuinely been the most supportive and understanding man i have ever met, he tries really hard to stick to boundaries i set and makes sure to tell me about things immediately if he knows its something that upsets me. I really truly want to make this relationship work, i know most people would say a borderline couple would just end in flames and IDK it could happen like shit happens but. I want to give it a go and i genuinely want to progress w my brain therapy skills and make it so he and i can both experience a healthy, trustworthy relationship.