I feel overwhelmed 
I feel outcasted
I feel weak
I feel lonely 
I feel insane
I feel like an observer of my self-destruction
I feel like I’m giving up
I feel like I forgot everything that everyone told me that I should have held onto
I feel like everything is a matter of time before I fuck up anything good
I feel out of control even when I’m alone
I feel that No matter what I know I am just gonna forget it and go back to being dead inside and impulsive because I’m too stupid to memorize all the behaviors to avoid (80% of what I do) I wish I were strong enough to kill myself or do SOMETHING IDK ANYTHING ,cause right now it’s like I’m stuck and I know why I’m stuck and how to get unstuck but I STAY FUCKING STUCK like do I have to hurt myself to do something about it? Do I have to cheer up??? Cause the temporary pleasures or distractions don’t cut it anymore,I don’t think I can cheer up knowing how damaged and defective I am , the worst part is that I Could try to fix myself but since I i was told I have bpd it’s like I have no control over this beamoth it hurts so much to live knowing everytime I act or think in a really extreme way ,and it’s like I don’t want to care about myself anymore,I fucking hate myself, I don’t know I’m stuck and I want to do something about it but I don’t think I can.... I want to focus on myself and get things done so that I can at least try to be happy alone because I don’t want to feel the pain of losing someone again I want to be alone forever and be happy alone ,and be strong enough to do and act how I want to or at least get somewhere.... not stay here stagnant on my bed alone days on end at 18 years old.