Part of me wants to keep to myself and keep hoping I can either eventually help myself or the world will just fix me on its own. But everything that's already bad only keeps worsening. First it was seeing my doctor for anxiety and my first (severe) depressive episode, then for months I was on meds and seeing a therapist, I said fuck it and dropped both of that because I didn't like what it was doing. Over the following months, I've tried helping myself from recurrent depression, different anxiety disorders, etc. I haven't seen any doctors because I know my GP doesn't want to diagnose or prescribe me anything, I can't afford a decent clinical psychologist or psychiatrist outside of those in my shitty insurance network. 

Over the last several months, all my shit's only gotten worse. I cycle from depressive episodes a lot now, only to bounce back to my normally slightly depressed self. My social anxiety has gotten horrible again. I've been starting to come to terms with all the signs of an eating disorder, but I'm still firm that I'm not anorexic, I'm not in denial, it's just that it's not me. I've been having worsening depersonalization and dissasociative episodes. I can't control my impulsivity even though I know how damaging it is and don't want to, like my spending, speeding, substance abuse (this one's been mostly under control lately actually :D) and I've suspected I have ADHD. I'm failing my (purposefully chosen this semester to be easy) classes because I'm a lazy piece of shit with a brain that decides to fuck all my attempts at anything good. I don't know anymore if I simply hate myself too much or if I really hate everyone else too, but either way I know deep down I just want meaningful connections with people I care about and that care about me, but it doesn't matter because I end up just emotionally hurting them. It's a positive feedback loop that I can't control, and I've come to realize I can't handle any of this on my own, and I never have been able to. 

I don't want to be on meds, but they were the only thing that worked in the past, maybe I just had an incomparable or incompetent therapist. Does therapy really actually work? Do meds work for anyone without making you feel even more empty and dead?