I just want to complain and vent. And find people to relate to so that I don’t feel so alone. Please share your feelings or just vent in this comment section if you relate to anything I’m saying.

I’m a 20 year old girl and I’m so depressed that even when I’m having moments that are supposed to be happy, the entire time I’m just worried about how that moment will come to an end, and thats all I’m able to think about. Even happy memories - they make me more upset and more distraught than my bad memories do and I’m not sure why. I feel like every day of my life is a fight to survive. I wake up in the morning and I just start crying because I woke up. Sleeping is an escape for me but hardly, given every time I go to sleep i have vivid, horrifying nightmares of people trying to hurt me or kill me. I have to fight to survive but at least i know its not real. 

When Im awake I look at myself in the mirror and I know thats real - and all I see is an ugly, pitiful excuse of a life. If I look at myself long enough I start dissociating and forget who i am - not even figuratively, literally for a moment I will forget myself and the person I’m looking at is not me. Someone completely unrecognizable. I think to myself, ‘since when is that me?’ for about a minute or two and then I come back and recognize myself again. 

Simple day to day tasks like brushing my hair, getting dressed, making myself eat, etc. seem like the most impossible thing in the world, and while I know these things would only take a few moments to do, I just cant make myself. I haven’t gone out with friends in several years, and for that reason I have no friends left. I see some of the people I work with glued to their phone screens because their phone is literally flooded with messages from all different people. My notifications are always empty. Always. Im horrified of contacting people first because i don’t want to be annoying or a burden, and also because I feel like people who actually want to speak to me will message/call me first. 

Every year I get older and time just passes so quickly I cant even believe it. I feel like I can never keep up, I feel like if I ever tried to keep up I’d be more exhausted than I already am. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. 

The only time I feel okay is when I’m drunk. I feel more comfortable in my own skin and instead of knowing nothing in this world matters in a heartbroken way, I start to feel like nothing matters in a ‘fuck it, I dont care’ type of way. I’m worried that this October when I turn 21, and alcohol becomes completely accessible to me, I might drink myself to death. I fantasize about dying a lot. Like when I’m driving, i think to myself ‘i could end it right now so easily.’ I picture myself being buried into the ground, and worms and shit finally disposing of this terrible, awful body. Then maybe when my spirit is free I can finally be beautiful and everything truly will not matter. No love, no happiness, no pain, no fear.