Trigger warning, Animal death, sexual abuse, homicidal thoughts 
Would  have have put more flairs if I was able because I am seeking support as well, desperately 

I have a burning hatred for rabbits and hamsters. I do not know where the hatred started, I love almost all animals but when it comes to those two, I feel absolutely nothing but the want to hurt them. I used to have pet mice as a kid and I loved them. I’ve had two dogs, I have seven chickens, I’ve had fish. I love almost every animal but hamsters and rabbits and it has been and will continue being an issue, and the hatred is getting worse and worse and I am afraid that when I get my licence I will do something that will get me in trouble. I’ve been trying to reach out for help for months now and trying to find a therapist, I’ve told people that I have an issue. I’ve spend outrageous amounts of money on taxidermy to dull my urges because I have acted out on them before, the hatred has fueled my own delusions before as I believed that all rabbits and hamsters were disgusting humans in their past life in order to justify my actions. I know I’m sick and I know what I did was wrong and I know what I want to do is wrong but I’m not being given help, I’ve been calling out for months and I have no help, I can’t find a therapist, my victims compensation expired and my previous therapist quit his job. I know I need help and I know I’m sick and calling me a psychopath will not help, I’ve been telling everyone that I need help, I’ve been telling my mom that I need a therapist and ive been asking help on how to get one because I’ve never gotten one for myself before because I only turned 18 in august last year and I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t go to another hospital because I finally have a stable job and I don’t want to fuck it up but as time moves on all I want to do is hurt those animals and I know I shouldn’t want to do that and hurting animals is bad but I fucking hate those animals, I hate rabbits and hamsters so fucking much. I know it’s wrong. I’m fully aware, I need help and I don’t have it. I need help and I don’t have it. 
I feel like such a sick piece of shit even though the stuff I did was years ago but what sickens me more is that I still want to do it and if given the chance to do it again I would. My old therapist said it was because of the sexual abuse I faced as a child and I turned to hurting animals so I could finally feel like I was in control again but hurting other things just so I feel better is not the way to go but I can’t help it. I just hate those two creatures. 
I know what they all say too, “it starts with animals” in reference to serial killers, the thing is is that in middle I tried to kill some of my classmates by paying them to swallow large grapes while in hopes they would choke to death, I went to the hospital over that in march of 2021 because I was so distraught over it and I’ve gone to hospitals before because of homicidal ideation but it wasn’t to anyone other than the person who sexually abused me when I was 10. They told his family because I had a plan, but since then I haven’t ever want to hurt anyone else. I don’t want to hurt people, it’s only those two animals. 
It’s only those two animals. I have no trauma related to those two animals, I feel no remorse for what I did and no guilt. I feel bad that I was exposed, I feel bad for my teacher, I feel bad that I made my dad feel angry enough to call me sick, I regret my decisions that led me to the point of being put in a residential home for months away from my family because they thought I would hurt my dog and my sister. I would never hurt either of them, I love my sister and my dog and I would do anything to protect them. 
Last year in April on Easter, we found a wild baby bunny and I took it because it was all by itself in the open and I was going to take it home to take care of it until I could bring it to a vet or someone who could take it. My dad made me put it back in my grandparents yard with their rat terrier because he thought I would kill it, and that effected me so badly because I thought I was getting better and it felt like all he saw was a dangerous piece of shit who didn’t care at all, I actually wanted to help the baby bunny and all of the progress I thought I had made was gone because he only saw the person I was when I was 14. 
I thought I was getting better and since then I have gotten so much worse in terms of these thoughts. I don’t get why I have a psychiatrist but not a therapist, I refuse to take any meds because I am not willing to risk the side effects with my stable job and I don’t have money to go to the ER again if it gives me another allergic reaction nor the time to take time off of work if something bad happens. There is too much risk for that bullshit. 
I want to start a small business on eBay that smells taxidermy products that I make In the shed I plan to build In late march/ early April or once it starts to get warmer out. I have a plan that I’m going to make a private shed on the land my parents own and I’ve even made all of the blueprints plus a to-scale cardboard model of said shed. 
I know it’s a problem because the animals is all I can think about, everything is related to hamsters and rabbits, I can’t think of anything else. I’ve reached out to friends to see if any have same interests as I do, I’ve made friends before who actually made plans with me do do the stuff I want to do now but they’ve all either died or left. 
Im so confused and frustrated and even more angry because even though I know what I want to do is wrong I still want to do it, I still want to hurt those animals and no matter how many thoughts I have to try to justify it, deep down, I know it’s wrong. And deep down, I still want to do it. I want to hurt the animals and I want to kill them, I fucking hate hamsters and I hate rabbits and I make absolutely no promises. 
I have a day off of work today so i will be researching more in depth on in person therapists I can find around where I live and once I’m done with that, I will be driving to the craft store to buy super glue, double sided tape, and crafting knives. And then I will stop by my first job to see if my coworker would like to have lunch with me. I plan on giving them a pair of pants I bought last year but never wore them because I didn’t like how thin they were. 
My aunts birthday is on Friday and I will be buying a bouquet for her and making her a custom vase at my workplace because she’s going to be turning 53, and since I’m a florist, I have the ability to make a bouquet look better then how it does wrapped in plastic and thrown in a fridge. 
My partner is encouraging my new hobby, they think it is good for me to focus on things that aren’t related to the animals. In the past week, I made the to-scale model of the shed I was mentioning above but I spent so much time on making it look nice, I cut pieces of cardboard and measured and adjusted for days until I was happy with the result. The door of it opens and the doorknob turns, there’s a whole inside to it as well. There’s a desk and a shelf, and also a potted plant I made out of cardboard and mint candy wrappers. I used everything I could either find in my trash or in the recycling bin outside. I even pulled an all-nighter just to do most of it, I watched true-crime videos by JCS throughout the night as I did it and also public freak out videos and police body cam footages. 
Ive been trying to keep my room clean too because I know when my room is dirty I get overwhelmed quicker but it’s so hard, it feels like every time I pick up it just gets dirty again so quickly. I still manage to clean it but by the end of the night there’s stuff on the floor again. It doesn’t help that whenever I leave my door open, my dog comes in my room and digs through my trash whether there is things in there that he can eat or not. It’s just like when I went out to smoke last night, I rolled a joint and went outside into the chicken coop for a bit to pet one of my sick hens, left, went into the garage and smoked, and came back in. And when I did my trash can was tipped over and there were cardboard clippings all over my floor. I was gone for maybe 15 minutes.
A thing that happens before that, one of my hens are sick. She’s a 2 year old self blue Cochin and throughout the past few months she’s gotten to look awfully sick. She weighs less but her crop is large and swollen, she’s bald on part of her tummy, she has these moments when she’s sitting down where she’ll just readjust her crop over and over and over again, and it almost looks like she’s convulsing. She’s lethargic and has trouble coming down the coop stairs when I let all of the hens out in the morning. And I have been telling my mom about it for months, and she saw nothing wrong with her. And then I told her about it again in front of my dad, and my dad backed up my claim. And then I followed it up with “we should take her to the vet” and I got laughed at. I was told that our hens aren’t pets by my dad, and my mother spoke to him right after and said that they are pets, they bickered back and fourth for a second before my dad told me that if she’s in pain then he’ll put her out of her misery. He said the same thing to my last pet mouse when he had a tumor in his eye and his ear had shriveled up and fallen off. 
I made a promise to myself that if she’s still alive when I get my licence, I’ll take her to the vet myself because it’s not fair to treat the animals that lay eggs for us like they don’t deserve as much medical care as our dog does. They’re not meat hens, they egg laying hens. And don’t try to excuse that bullshit with the money thing either. Vets can cost a lot, yeah. But recently my parents have bought not one, not two, but four chunks of land where we live despite me being the only person in the house who makes regular income and works a full time job. 
It says a lot that I’m still gonna spend my own money on my chicken to make sure she’s not in pain instead of treating her like nothing. I wasn’t the one to buy the hens, they were. Yet I still have some heart to just make sure that my little girl isn’t in pain. She’s such a sweetheart, months back when I would go to put the chickens in for the night, she would wait outside of the coop once that time came around and when I would come out, she would start honking (yes, she honks, not clucks) and running towards me and let me pick her up and walk her back to the coop. She doesn’t do that anymore because of how sick she’s gotten. She used to be so lively and now I rarely even see her outside of the run when the door is open for the hens to free range. 
I feel like such a hypocrite when I say I don’t want my baby to be in pain right after my rant above about how much i hate hamsters and rabbits but it makes sense, i still care deeply for every other animal out there but it’s only those two that I don’t care about and want to hurt. I would never hurt my chickens or any other pets of mine, I never hurt my mice on purpose and I sure as hell would never hurt my dog. I never hurt the lizards I would catch when I lived in Hawaii and I can assure you that I never hurt my fish, if there even was a way to hurt fish… 
I had a betta fish, she was a female crowntail and initially I had her in a 1 1/2 gallon tank but I did research and knew that it wasn’t good for her, so I bought her a 5 gallon and got real plants and natural colored gravel and brine shrimp and everything for her because I didn’t want her to just survive, I wanted her to live and be happy because she’s just a little fish, her name was Tuesday. I wish I had more photos of her but I didn’t have a phone when I got her at 15 years old and I finally actually got one around the time we had to move and I was forced to give her away to my neighbor. 
I’m terribly sorry that this rant is all over the place but once i start talking I just want to get everything that I can think about out of my head so I can just have at least one less stressful day, I’m sorry for the subject matter but it’s been bothering me so much and I am terrified because I’m not a bad person, I don’t want to be a bad person.