I went to a bar for a couple drinks with a friend, we were having a good time. Some weeb started talking to me and making comments which made me uncomfortable so I moved away. 

I was sitting next to my friend and a group of guys from up north (UK soz) and we got chatting (friend too). They were nice enough, we had a laugh. Tipsy fun etc. No physical contact cus corona etc etc. My memories are patchy from here. 

At one point I remember feeling weird so I staggered to the toilet upstairs in the bar. Up there I must have realised something was very wrong because I came back down asking for Angela (a way to let the staff know you fear for your safety etc and need to get away discreetly - not known enough IMO). 

The northerners walked us home, we both live far-ish within the town away from each other which was nice of them. 

However, one of them came in my house with me. I live alone and have a relatively messy house lol. I don’t have visitors. I kept falling over on my way to the bedroom, as the stuff on the floor told me the next day. We had sex. He left immediately. As soon as he was done, he put his clothes on and left. I hardly remember the sex tbh. But I know it happened, I felt it the next day. 

I didn’t know I’d been drugged, I just thought I’d gone a bit crazy what with it being my first night out since lockdown ended. Bit wavy Friday, standard hangover for me. Felt a bit odd still on Saturday. Sunday was when I started to worry. I took myself down to the police station and got a urine test. They phoned today and said there were trace amounts of Ketamine. I don’t do drugs. I’ve tried weed, not really my thing. Been spiked before but not like this. 

Legally I couldn’t have consented. I was raped on Thursday. I don’t hate the guy, I don’t hate the action, what I hate is the fact that it was rape. That word brings up so many awful memories. 

What I thought was the first time I’d actually picked up someone at a bar, was actually a calculated, premeditated rape. 

I don’t want to go through the police, i don’t want to press charges, I just want to focus on myself and being able to be at peace with the word.

I’ll be doing an STI test soon. Usually after something like this I feel completely disgusted with myself, but I don’t. It’s just that word. “Rape”. I was raped on Thursday. 

How do I get over that word?