Hello,  
I don't know where to start...  I recently achieved something that I used to think would make me happy.  So in this small country, called Lithuania. People here are one of the most suicidal (especially males) in the world.

Everyone is mean, envious, poor.

I have a long history of depression - as a teen I was very skinny, had acne, 0 confidence, braces etc. Last year of high school I weighed 64kg at the height of 191cm. I've attempted suicide during that year, but failed. Had terrible grades, ran intentionally from classes, avoided social interaction. Then I discovered bodybuilding, first time ever witnessed a positive change in myself. By the end of that year I transformed myself, at least mentally, passed exams with flying colors to get free university education.

Got into computer science studies @ 2017. Learned some programming, but quickly realised university is terrible in terms of teaching programming. I went on a gap year, finished a programming course, got a diploma. I was full of happiness.. Until.. It took 20 months to find my first job. 20 months, I shit you not. With a portfolio, a REALLY decent resume (I wouldn't waste time here if that was not true). I got rejected 800 times, was broke all that timeframe, in debt. No social life, no girl friend, no beer, no nothing.

12 months in rejection - waking up every morning just to see push notifications on my phone with 5-15 emails "thank you, other candidates were better" I really REALLY broke down. So I decided to turn my sadness into rage. I worked for 7 months straight night in and out learning android. Through a lot of trial and error, struggle I wrote 60-70k lines of code and created a uber-like platform for handyman services. I was getting rejected from job applications through out the 7 month development proccess.  
This hurt like hell. I could not afford to fix my car through this time, get decent food for bodybuilding ambitions. 

My father sells drugs and has been in prison. I had feelings for him for a few years, but due to his manipulative nature and financial/psychological abuse and neglect I broke down. I invested every bit of time to developing programing skills and working minimum wage job is fucking suicidal in this country - people get paid 3 euros an hour, which is like 600eur month - So during this denial of companies of me period I quickly climbed some debt as I took for living expenses.

20months from that diploma of IT courses, I finally got an initial job. The HR bitch unprofesionally laughed when I said i want the lowest sum of money in the job advertisement (just to maximize my chances). I worked for 6 months, witnesseed 7 people getting fired. It was a young ambitiuos Swiss fintech crypto startup with a ruthless CEO. After 6 months I dared to ask for a raise (which was planned by company after 9 months of work) I got fed with some bullshit that I'm young, still a student etc. But I knew my value, I knew fucktards can't be trusted. So I went out job hunting for a week with actual work experience under my belt. In span of 2 weeks, landed a job offer that was double (2k euro month after tax). Then I had to negotiate my way into getting counter offer in my company just to stay, and they were not too keen to provide it. 

So, 1 month after raise a German powerhouse IT company finds me. Got headhunted, so as I was satisfied with current financials, decided that I'm gonna ask for maximum salary from the Germans. Which was 5k/month with contract possibility (but our relationship is I am an employee and will work for years), meaning 4k after tax. I accidently got the offer. Negotiated a few hundred extra due to lack of vacation, sick pay etc. 

I went to the HR bitch that laughed at me. 1 month after doubling salary I said I think I'm leaving. The bitch is shook. Who's laughing now? :) .  Of course she attempted to feed me bullshit that I won't fit the job position requirements etc etc. But I did not give in.  

So. Long story short.

I was broke, living on 200-300eur / month. I destroyed my life. Social life is lost, everything together with it. I thought I was gonna be happy once I achieve my ambitions. I was terribly wrong. I look back, and ask myself, what I was thinking, commiting myself in such suicidal, dangerous matter?

Today I work at Europe's 3rd highest revenue company. Making 4-5x average salary of Lithuania capital city. And I am not happy. I feel money is a terrible trap. I am furiuos because I had years of youth which are fucking wasted, I cannot control my anger, MENTAL health is destroyed, I am impulsive, impatient, untrusting people. I am furiuos that I had a awesome startup idea, it needed money for advertisements to start having purpose. It did got me to where I am, but that is not the point.

I have not been attending university since 2018, like I just go to exams and get rid of them. This is my last year, I am too lazy to write bachelor, I fucking hate hypocritical standpoint of university, "that it produces valuable employees" all the fake media shit, it drives me furious. But I negotiated that they would post a media article about my startup app (Still fuck them, this is as much an advertisement for them as it willl be for me.)  
So, I gave up bodybuilding /powerlifting after depression kicked in. Lost a lot of hard gained weight. I look like fucking shit, slim as a 24 yr old, but stronger than I look on the lifts. 

I've never seen a psychologist, due to money problems. I pay my fucking taxes, so I should be entitled to mental help, but the again, it's not the world we live in, is it? Never took any sort of medication, even though I know depression can't be cured. I think powerlifting and bodybuilding helped me express the anger, but the amount that flows through me is enough to beat the living shit out of anyone that pisses me off.

I have many startup ideas that I am going to chase, so that's what keeps me alive. The thrill of success, but it must be rapid and massive. Currently own 2 apps. One of them was in 2nd place of trending, raking in 800 downdloads/day at this small country I live in. It comes with a lot of responsibility and knowledge, time commitment to develop things from scratch all alone. It places a lot of stress on me.

I feel guilty as I wasted minimum 20 months of youth chasing money and dreams to find myself unhappy and old.  I've always wanted to find like a cute girlfriend that would accept and understand who I am, never been in a relationship and feel as a loser + guilty at age of 24. Im 24 because I finished school @ 19 and gap year at uni. 

To be honest I now get rejected on Tinder like the very same way companies rejected me 800 times until I broke through the ice. I can't take this fucking shit no more. This, that, university fucking tasks that are pathethic and useless.

I also live in a piece of shit apartment outside of town with degenerate neighbours. To be honest it's a box in a factory. I don't pay rent because I did persuade my mother to purchase it when I started studying. It's a one room flat with tragic sound isolation. This place is hell. But I pay 0 for it. Trying to persuade myself to stop saving money and go live a normal life even if that means paying 500-600euro/month for an apartment. It's like im addicted to making maximum money and progress in life, so badly that I feel like a slave.

TDLR

My depression is expressed in anger, cynical thinking, uncontrollable rage rather than weak sadness.

24 year old student, self-taught programmer who sacrified everything to be something. Making minimum 60-72k euros/year gross working from home.

The happiness you think money brings is just an illusion. Don't let illusions control you.