Just under a year ago, when I was 17(after the second lockdown),I tried to commit suicide by overdosing. Before that, for about 4 years, I had pretty bad depression although I hadn’t been diagnosed since no one knew how I felt. It was for many reasons but also for none, I often felt like I didn’t have a valid enough reason to be depressed. Anyway, one day it came to the point where it was just way too much to handle anymore and there was no way I could carry on. I had been depressed for a long while but I’d never been suicidal. That week I began having a number of graphic suicidal thoughts-I wanted to die so badly and was writing my suicide note for about a week. I don’t even know why I got that overwhelming sensation of wanting to do it, there was nothing that had recently happened to trigger it. Anyway, after my unsuccessful attempt (and severe embarrassment from my family seeing it) I didn’t go to school for the rest of the year (a few months). It was weird it felt like my depression had sort of vanished and I didn’t feel suicidal at all after and still don’t. However, I think I’ve come to the realisation that I had buried that traumatic event along with my depression and seemed to be distracting myself from the feeling that was still there. I’m not suicidal anymore but I’m confused as to why since that day I haven’t felt the same sort of depression I did before the event. I mean I’ve had depression for years I know it hasn’t gone and there were a couple of times I’ve broken down since then. I don’t feel happy I don’t feel depressed I don’t feel anything tbh -confused maybe. I do know one thing I don’t regret my attempt and honestly it’s not like I would’ve missed out on a single thing if It had worked, sometimes I wish it did not because I feel suicidal but because I’m bored of life. 
Does anyone else that has gone through a similar experience feel like this,like u just want to feel something -like I want to get hit by a car or beat up badly. I want to get slammed into a wall, the excitement I feel when I imagine a truck hitting me at full speed. Like I said I’m no longer suicidal but I know I wouldn’t move if I thought a van was driving high speed towards me.