I'm new to this subreddit but joined to help me understand my boyfriend better. I'm on mobile, sorry for any formatting issues.

Tl;dr: I put a ton of time, effort, and money into a Valentine's date and saw very little of that effort returned. The next night, he got upset because I seemed distracted via text and wasn't giving him enough attention. Can someone help me see this through the BPD lense?

My bf (27m) and I (27f) started officially dating mid-January but have been talking since mid-November last year. We went out for Valentine's Day on Friday and I'm frustrated by how it went. I'm looking for some perspective on how this looks through the lense of someone with BPD.

We decided shortly after becoming official that we'd be going out for vday. He's said before that he's not big on holidays or giving gifts, I've expressed that those things are important to me and I like to make a big deal of holidays. On our first date, I wore a small amount of makeup and mentioned that I have strong makeup skills and like doing dramatic looks. He talked about wanting to see me go all out and we agreed vday would be our day to "show off" for each other. I spent a month prepping, even ordering and practicing wearing a corset because that's his favorite lingerie. I spent well over $500 prepping for this date.

Two weeks before our scheduled Saturday night date, he had to fire someone at work. I didn't find out until the Wednesday before the date that this meant he had to work Saturday, so I had to reschedule everything. I found a reservation for Friday night and booked it. On Friday, I spent literally 8 hours doing my hair, makeup, nails, prepping my outfit, etc. I put in so much effort. When he arrived to pick me up, I gave him the teddy bear and chocolates I bought. I let him know a week in advance that I had bought him gifts and he talked about getting me something too. The night of, he came empty handed. I was disappointed, but he said he's not into gifts, so whatever. We get to the restaurant too early and decide to stroll around a nearby grocery store while we wait for our reservation time. While there, he buys some chocolates for himself.

 Dinner was nice and we had fun, but when the bill came, he didn't even offer to help pay or contribute. On the drive back home, we start talking and this eventually leads to a conversation about how I expect too much from him emotionally. He went through a really rough time in late 2019 and is still working on his mental health. I definitely see what he's talking about with emotional expectations and promise to be more patient. I think the expectations I have would be fine in a relationship with someone without BPD and his past, but because of what he's been through, this relationship will take some special care. 

Fast forward to Saturday night, I'm having movie night with a group of friends via discord and texting him at the same time. He says I seem distracted (he knew I was doing movie night and that this is something I do every Saturday) and he's tired anyway, so he's just going to go to bed. 

I feel so so frustrated! I put so much time and effort in planning vday and saw no effort in return. Then, when I'm not giving him my full effort and attention during movie night, he gets pouty and goes to bed. What am I missing? Am I expecting too much? Should I talk to him about my frustrations? I don't want to talk to him about this and trigger feelings of guilt and shame for him, I know that can lead to dark places. But I want to let him know how I'm feeling and why I'm frustrated because I don't want resentment to build over time.

Does anyone have any advice? I plan on applying much less effort into dates going forward because I don't think he's emotionally prepared to return the effort. Which is totally fine, I'll be patient. But I know that I can't continue to put a ton of effort into a relationship that can't provide the same for me right now. It's a personal trait of mine that the more effort I put in, the more I expect in return. To keep my expectations reasonable and avoid frustration on my end, either he would need to put in more effort (which is unfair, he's not ready for that, nor is he responsible for my feelings anyway) or I will have to put in less (which seems to upset him too).