what is hope?

hi.
i think I'm depressed.
i don't associate value to basic things like time, money, businesses, etc. i feel like they are here just for the hell of it, and are not really a necessary part of life.
i don't even know the value of life anymore. it seems pointless to exist, when i think about my own life. I've got parents and a sibling , who i think don't care for me as they used to.

I'm 20(m), soon to be 21, but I am college-less, jobless, directionless, in constant fear for my future and of failure in life. I've got severe body dysmorphia which has affected ALL aspects of my life. and yet i eat, and eat and just eat.
i used to workout a lot. even reached close to a Greek god physique. but then came the parental restrictions. and now I'm 120 kgs/264 pounds of pure fat.

i am essentially numb to all emotions, except rage. i seem to be VERY irritable nowadays, quarrelling all the time, grumbling and making excuses for my shortcomings.
even the things that used to help me relax don't seem to be fun now. nothing does. except Netflix shows (and even they seem to bore me after a while). I'm constantly on the lookout for new distractions from my life situation.

nothing excites me anymore. nothing makes me happy. if it does strike any feeling, it's fear or anger. i think something's seriously wrong in my brain, because I wasn't always like this.

i used to be a simple straight A's student who got 4.0 GPA(95 percent in India) whithout sweating it. but now I'm struggling to even pick up a pen to write an answer. i just waste my time and all my days seem to be one big mistake after another. I even know that it's me and myself, who's keeping me from "success", whatever that is.

i just want to escape it all, but I'm not yet in a place where i want to end it all. it's weird. and frustrating. i know I'm not well, and i can't even end my own suffering. it's ironic. i used to look down upon people who appeared to be in my position. it's not pretty in my mind.

is there something i can do , chemically speaking, to my mind/brain so as to think better thoughts? because i WANT to be happy, i just don't know HOW.

 thanks for listening/reading/taking the time.

(last one got deleted )