I'm trying so hard to not slip back, I've been doing so well. I'm in decent shape, I maintain my appearance, and I have a job even though it's a dead-end and doesn't pay enough. I've been making moves to secure a real career, but I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore, and I'm just about ready to give up again.

Over 2 years ago I met the most wonderful woman. Before her I never really had a serious relationship and thought I never would. So safe to say I was starved for love and she gave me my fill and then some. I was the happiest I'd ever been.

To tell the truth I don't know why I held back, but dammit if I haven't been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I can't afford a therapist and even if I could, in my area they're all booked. I know I have some childhood trauma involving the expression of my attraction to others, but I could compliment her just fine; all the superficial stuff wasn't a problem. I couldn't bring myself to say the important stuff like "I love you" even though I felt it the first day we were together. Despite every indication from her that it'd be well received, I choked on the words.

She had this dream to move to another country. Obviously that's a huge decision and I'd need time to ruminate on it. But I knew this was 100% what she wanted, and she would be going with or without me. I didn't want to lead her on in case I decided to stay. 

Maybe it's both or one those things, maybe neither. All I know is I'm filled with regret, and after experiencing these last couple years here I think I do want to leave, even without her. I want nothing more than to go with her, but she's gone, and it's my fault. I was not a model ex, I said a lot of things I regret. I was drinking a lot and questioning if I ever really even knew her or just some fake persona she crafted bc I found out she lied to me about her reasoning for the break-up. I've come to realize she had a good reason for lying but now I'm blocked on everything and I'm trying so hard to convince myself I'm not the piece of shit that all my actions accumulated confirm me to be.

It's all such a mess in my head and I can't stop thinking about any of it, it's driving me insane... I just want it to stop.