You were the man that raised me.
You were the man that didn’t have to.
You took it upon yourself to raise a child that wasn’t yours. 
You may be part of the reason why I stand up for what I feel is right.
You may be part of the reason why I think outside of the box.
You may be part of the reason why I don’t give up when times are tough.

You were the person who I looked up to when I was young.
You were the person who I used to respect.

I remember you telling me what your tattoos meant. 
The jaguar was what you wanted to be when you were young – strong, fierce, protective.
The Indian Warrior is what you wanted to be when you were old – Wise and noble.

When I was a child, I thought of you as the jaguar.

I thought you were strong. 
I thought you were fierce. 
I saw you as a protector.

However now that I am an adult, I know in my heart that you never lived up to your own expectations, and I think you knew that too.

You weren’t strong.
You weren’t a protector.
You weren’t noble.

My mother needed protecting from you. 
We needed protecting from you.
We just didn't know it then.

Looking back on my childhood, I thought that was how families were like – didn’t most dad’s drink? Don’t most nine-year-old’s know they’re dads’ favorite brand of beer and cigarettes?

I thought that’s just how you were - don’t most dads not want to be part of social events? Don't most husbands forget their wedding anniversaries and wives birthdays? He doesn’t need many friends, he has us.

You may have been different from other dads, but you were you. - it’s OK, he’s always been like that – he’s just different. You don’t know him like I do.

Now as an adult I know better.

I used to want to be like you because I thought you were what a man should be. 
Now as a man, I know deep in my heart that I never will be like you.
I will never treat the women I love like you did my mother.
I will never manipulate my children or others like you did.
I will never choose a substance over people I have the responsibility to protect.

Because that’s what people with integrity do.

I’ve seen what good dads are like – they don’t leave their 5 year and 2-year-old kids unattended in hotel rooms to go drinking.
I’ve seen what good husbands are like – they don’t gaslight or beat their wives. They support and encourage their wives; they don’t put them down.
I’ve seen what good people are like – they don’t drink drive and they don’t fracture other people's skulls just because their feelings were hurt.

You once told me that you knew you werent a good husband, but you were OK with that as long as you thought you were a good father. 

As your son, I shouldn’t have had to tell you that you can’t be one without being the other. 

I wasn’t willing to look past it when I cut contact with you and I won’t look past it now.

Good dads don’t manipulate their children against their mother to make them think she is crazy, when it’s his fault she is depressed.
Good husbands don’t hit their wives behind closed doors and tell their kids to cover it up.
Good people don’t kill themselves and blame their wives that they abused.

I was there when you said you wanted the divorce.
I was there when you made jokes about leaving her in front  of us.
I was there when you told her you never loved her.

I know you heard me telling her to leave you.
I know you heard me telling her you didn’t deserve her.
I meant it then and I mean it now. 

She was the glue that held our family together.
You became the toxicity that you so often had in your bloodstream.

Even with the note you left
Even with the lies you told
Even with the people that believed you

You and I both know the truth. 
I was there. 
We were there.
They weren’t.

They didn’t see the real side of you like we did.

Everyone can try and look the other way.
They can pretend it didn’t happen.
They can say you weren’t perfect, but you had a good heart.
They can listen to your lies and blame the people that didn’t deserve it.

But you and I both know that it is wrong. 
Because I was there and I witnessed it.

Even when I called you out on it as an adult and you tried to gaslight me like you did her.
Even when I held my ground and you refused to own up to it.

Good men stand up to their toxic fathers, even if it hurts.
Good men don’t continue the cycle of abuse, even if they struggle with mental health
Good men don’t destroy their families, they protect them.

You will never be the jaguar or the chief to me.

I will not go to your service.
I will never pretend you were a good person.
I will never justify your behavior because of your mental health.
I will never forgive you.

Don’t pretend you didn’t have the opportunity to get help.
Everyone knows how much it was there to be to be taken. 
But instead of accepting it or taking responsibility, you chose to drink, time and time again.

Even now that you have left this world, you still cause hurt within our family.
Your lies continue to turn people against each other.
Because they didn’t know you like we did.
They couldn’t see through the facade like I did.
They weren’t there like I was and they didn’t know that they were victims like my mother, my brother and I were.

I don’t share this to slander you, because it’s the truth. 

I don’t even have to say your name. Because they all know who I am speaking about.

I don’t share this to hurt the people I care about, because they have the right to know the person you really were. Even if they don’t want to admit it.

I do this for my own closure. Because you were too cowardly to apologize for any of it.

I do this because you were never held accountable to your actions and because the world deserves to know.

I do this because even in the end, you chose to end your life instead of apologizing for:

Being cruel to animals in front of me.

For neglecting house work or learning how to cook a decent meal for your kids because you were too busy drinking.

For not being a part of your own personal finances and blaming my mother because you pissed your money away.

For telling me I wasn’t your biological son in the middle of an argument with my mother, just to spite her.

For nearly killing your neighbor.

For getting my brother fired from his job out of spite.

For drink driving.

For trying to get my to buy you alchohol and cigarettes even though I was underage and didn't want to.

For teaching me to hate my grandfather before he died because of your personal vendetta against him.

For telling me not to visit my brother in hospital even though he had just been in a car crash.

For going against the very morals you taught me as a child.

For never teaching us how to handle life’s problems by being assertive.

For bringing your alcoholism into my brother’s home in front of his wife and my god daughter.

For stopping my mother from moving on from you when all she did was help you.

For killing yourself and blaming her.

You burned every bridge you had left, and the only reason you had any to burn in the first place was because there are people in the world that are better than you were.

If there really is an afterlife, I can only hope that you are now finally judged. 

If there really is a heaven, you don't deserve to be there.

The hurt may sting us now, but eventually it will subside, just like my memories of you.

Jaguars may be strong. Warriors may be wise. 

And you were neither. 

We both know in the end you were weak, both in body in mind.
 
And it’s all your fault.

None of us deserved what you put us through. 

You were never the victim, we were.

But now that you are gone.
 
We won’t be victims any longer.

I will live my life in spite of you.

I will overcome the anxiety, the panic attacks, the nightmares in spite of you.

I will succeed in life in spite of you.

I will protect my family, because that’s what good people do. 

Not like you.