When I’m doing well in my waking life, and actually feel in control of my life, I have nightmares every night of shame and abandonment and being a failure and I can feel it leaking into my waking life. In my dreams, I’m back in school and I just keep skipping classes and I know I’m failing at everything but I’m just letting it happen as if I’m incapable of any other action. So yeah, I haven’t worked the past 3 days. I’m not setting alarms or getting any of my work done. And like in the dreams I don’t have the capacity to care or change. I’m falling in love with someone and I’ve been really good at acting normal and not super BPD driven. I fully trust him and I just keep telling myself to take it day by day and always be somewhat mentally prepped to be abandoned but not live in fear of it. Then the nightmares come and it’s him leaving me. I’m really proud to have a pretty good handle on things in my waking life, besides work.... but I don’t know how to stop my subconscious from freaking out.