

I’m sure many won’t want to admit to this but I’m at my limit. I don’t want to self harm, I just don’t want to exist as I think I’m truly at a point of serious depression.

Growing up I was one of the most outgoing and happiest people around… legit. I would get so stoked on a song or upcoming event that I would get goosebumps and tears in my eyes.

Now a days I don’t even know what happiness is. It’s been this way for the last 2 years or so.

95% of my life I have been rational minded. I’m 15 years old, a business owner, in good shape, good appearance, I have a lot to be thankful for - yet I’m the most unhappy I’ve ever been. I rationally know many would trade the world for good health, yet I’m so unhappy - then feel guilty for that because I know many are suffering. 

I’ve been going to counseling for the last 1.5 years, I’ve tried Wellbutrin &amp; lexapro (even though I personally don’t want medication). 

I’m so miserable and don’t know what to do. I’m sure it’s a clinical issue / chemical imbalance but one thing I’m dealing with OCD wise is my girlfriends past. I have obsessive thoughts about it that just make it much worse. If I’m awake, I’m visualizing this crap obsessionally with my imagination.

We’ve been close friends for 15 years but never dated due to going separate ways for college. We got together 1.5-2 years ago and of course discussed eachothers past.

She’s been with 7 guys - which isn’t horrible for 28-30 years old. Each of whom she was “talking to / dating” (none were hookups or casual sex). I’ve been with nearly 20 women - It’s SO hypocritical. Even though I know that, I feel disgusted by her. A woman that I planned on marrying I don’t even want to look at. I feel like a piece of crap, I feel irrational, I feel like I should just be single. Yet we waited 13 years to be together and now I’m hesitant to trash it because I know once I do the ship has sailed.

I’m over it.