Yeah this is a venting post, but also looking for advice about a confusing situation that occurred. I’m 24F btw.
So I went to trivia with a work friend and his wife last night. I haven’t seen them in awhile cause I’ve been moved to the office due to a recovering injury but I actually work outside as a landscaper with him. I’m the only girl in my small department of about 25 other guys. 
I don’t mind that, in fact I really like working with all guys cause it can be a nice break from feeling like i need to be feminine all the time. I get to work with my hands, stay active, learn about plants, and just feel a little more powerful or purposeful I guess. It’s like my body is what’s doing these amazing tasks regardless of the gender, and it feels great! 
But of course I do love having the opportunity to dress up while I’m recovering in the office. I can wear makeup and dresses for once and I’ve never had a job like that before. I can feel pretty when I go in everyday. 
Anyway so my work friend made a comment about what my boss said to the other guys when I wasn’t there about how “he hopes I still wear that little denim skirt when [I] come back to working outside.” 
And it just broke my heart, I felt a little betrayed cause I purposefully would dress less feminine around them. Go in with greasy hair, not care that my figure was hidden behind my labor clothes, and just avoid  showing that my chest was big by always squishing them down with a tight bra. 
And it just felt like that was to no avail, cause the chance I got to dress up felt taken away and turned to something that I should feel shameful about. 

The worst part is, I was also really flattered. I’m always needing validation that I look good, cause I know I didn’t properly believe it myself. I feel like I tie sexual attention to my worth and own beauty and so it felt good to hear that. And I’ve always been really sexual with partners and doing whatever to please them. But I’ve been trying to work on that. Just accept the fact that I don’t need to have sex with people to get that second of gratification. It never lasts anyway. And it felt like I was making progress, until last night when I heard that. It was like my mind was hurt but the other part loved it, and now I feel shame for that. 
I even am dating someone now who isn’t as sexual as past partners and instead of it being a nice break from constantly proving myself, I’m annoyed he doesn’t want to just fuck me all the time. Idk but does anyone feel like that, have contrasting views on their sexuality and shame around when people say comments they shouldn’t.