At the bottom again

I don’t even know how to start this, to keep it short and still cover everything I want to tell...

I am 24 years old and was diagnosed with a depressive episode and social anxiety in 2017.Honestly I think already as I kid I was a little underdeveloped emotionally and socially, I always felt a bit different and spent the most time of my youth playing Video Games and so falling more behind.

 While suffering 1 year+ from glandular fever in 2016, which hit me really hard immune system down 3 months only bed and stuff, what it also brought with it are pretty bad mood swings and at that time I also got my first panic attacks because of my health I thought I could die anyday and my anxiety increased. Which is not that unusual as glandular fever is said to bring mood swings and depression.That was a really hard time for me but playing Computer and meeting new friends who basically became a second family back then helped me a lot.

In 2017 I urged my mom to take me to see a psychologist( I forgot to mention that I was raised with low self esteem and being dependent from my parents...). The psychologist diagnosed me and prescribed me Venlafaxin/Effexor. I started with 37,5mg and already felt a bit better. Like the negative thoughts were less than before and the positive thoughts increased. 

I began to study in a city 1 hour away from my hometown and things were looking good, no panic attacks, depression got better. I got more hope for the future. I decided to try dating apps for the first time and also really dating for the first time. I thought yeah let’s have some fun and didn’t expect something serious at first. 

Well but the first girl I met, I started seeing more often and so it happened, we fell in love. I had the best time in my life, it felt so good I never was this happy in my life. We really loved each other and had so much in common. There was only one things...
She was working and I was studying which was kinda somewhat between us because of our different daily life routines. 

Fast forward 3 years... The Covid lockdown took a toll on our relationship  and we didn’t get along as we used too. My studying wasn’t good, I didn’t progress that much and slowly began to fall in to a hole of depression again, increased by corona. I started playing computer more and when my girlfriend came home( we didn’t live together full time but she slept at my apartment 3 times a week) she was tired lay down on the couch while I was playing. My situation got worse and I became really depressed and angry at whatnot but probably the most about myself. She was more extroverted happy, I was more introverted and well not so happy anymore, like when we visited my parents. I didnt get along with them so good anymore, because I was angry and bad mooded basically all the time. I was basically at an all time low and we didn’t do as much as we used to, also because of COVID but not only.

February 2nd she came home from work and broke up with me. 
That completely destroyed me, there was no hope left and still isn’t for me really. I love her so much, still after 3 months have passed. We didn’t break up in a fight. Really she cried and I cried even more, she told me that I’m too important for her to keep on going like that. Everything before was so good, our families did get along and so did we with each other’s families. When I saw her smile I really thought someday, you gotta marry this girl, there will never be a better one.

First week I couldn’t really sleep, it felt so unreal, like waking up from a sleep paralysis straight into a nightmare. Second week I decided to drop university and look for a job. I really applied for many jobs and only 3 weeks later I got my first job. I was excited but I still felt like I need to do it for her to get better for her and I hoped it would help my depression and anxiety. At first my mood got better, but that wore off fast. 

1 1/2 months after the breakup we met again in my apartment, to talk a bit and because I had to give her some of her things back. I was so nervous, but yeah we only talked and I kinda wanted to impress her with my job. It was really hard to read her because while she looked happy she also looked sad and I also tried to keep myself together. After that I thought so much more about her.

It’s been 3 months now, I like my job, my colleagues, I started to play tennis again which I played for a long time and loved. I even enrolled to volunteer at an animal shelter( didn’t start yet because of time issues tho) but do I feel better? No I still feel so destroyed, inferior, depressed, anxious( at least the panic attacks stopped).

Honestly I don’t know what to do anymore. I still love her so much, but I know that I shouldn’t bother her at the Moment and should try to get my life together, objectively I know that, but my emotions don’t work that way. And I really think there won’t be another way than increasing my dosage of Effexor. I will also try to make an appointment at a psychologist. There isn’t really an hour where I don’t think about her and what she is doing, that she sees other guys and I feel so powerless. I don’t have any interest in life at the Moment, once again I’m at the bottom, without much hope.

Thanks to everyone who took their time to read my story.