On May 10th, 2017 I had the worst panic attack I have ever had. I was no stranger to anxiety and panic. By that point I was diagnosed with both Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder, but this attack was different than any I had ever experienced. 

It started with me losing feeling in my body. It was like I was being pulled out of my body. When I tried to stand, I was so dizzy the room was spinning sickeningly around me. My heart began to pound and my vision became foggy, it was like I couldn't see. My hearing dulled and I felt like I was deaf, all I could hear was a dull roar. I was hyperventilating, I couldn't breathe, or at least it felt like it. 

I stumbled out of my room and begged my brother and father to call 911. All I could say was "I'm dying, call 911." Over and over again. I genuinely felt that I was dying. They sat me down on the couch and my brother confirmed every symptom I had was just a more intense symptom of a panic attack. At that point my whole body began to jerk and tremble in a spasmodic way. I couldn't control my limbs. I'm not sure how long it lasted for, it felt like hours but realistically it was probably only a few minutes.

When I finally came down from it, I slept on the couch and my dad slept in the recliner next to me, holding my hand. The next morning when I awoke, it started. I spent a year in state of severe disassociation. Nothing felt real. Everything looked 2D, like a painting or a cartoon. I felt like I was going insane. *TRIGGER WARNING* Nine months into feeling like that I contemplated suicide. I didn't want to live if it meant I was never going to snap out of it. *END TRIGGER WARNING*

The best way I can put it, it felt like that night I had been yanked out of my body, then shoved roughly back in and my soul didn't fit quite right anymore. I didnt recognize my own body anymore and I didn't feel comfortable in it. 

I lived in a state of confusion and disassociation for over a year. Fortunately started to come out of it in late 2018, but I have never fully recovered to who I was before that experience. 

I still struggle with occasional disassociation and forgetfulness. Sometimes I'll randomly have something trigger it, sometimes not. I never know when it will wear off, that feeling that everything is fake, like I'm dreaming, or watching a movie of someone else's life through eyes that don't really belong to me.

I have developed a crippling phobia of death. I will never forget how it felt, truly believing I was dying. All I could think about was how much I wasn't going to be able to do if I died. I was only 18. I would never travel, fall in love, see my friends and family again. The thought of leaving everyone and everything behind... I'm still scared of it. I feel like those few minutes of intense almost unbearable panic altered the course of my life and damaged it irreparably. 

I'm 23 now, and I try not to think about it anymore. I still have panic attacks, but I have never again had one that intense and terrible. I've never had another one that I felt changed the trajectory of my life or caused me to developed a new phobia. I've never had another one that felt like it ripped my soul clean out then stuffed it back in like I was a human build a bear. I lost a whole year of my life after that one. And I still lose snippets here and there. 

I've put myself back together the best I can since that truly terribly day, but like a dish once broken and repaired, I'll never be the same. The cracks are still there.