This has been on my mind for quite a while. First some background;

I'm a 25 y/o male. I was first diagnosed BPD after being hospitalized for an accidental drug overdose at 21. I was later diagnosed bi-polar NOS which makes more sense in my case for various reasons, though I do have a history of self-injury, polysubstance abuse (both of which I've recovered from) and in general have a tough time relating to people who aren't marginalized or damaged in some way. This all took place during my final year at uni. I was 22 at the time. I met "Leah" at an AA meeting. I was coming off the heals of 2 terrible relationship misadventures (the first with a heroin addict who I desperately tried to save, the other with a woman who ultimately ended up rejecting me... in response to this I manipulated her into thinking I was suicidal and completely destroyed any semblance of a relationship with her). The attraction was strong from the beginning. She was also BPD so we bonded over this. I ended up pushing her away after we had sex because I had deemed myself too unstable for a relationship. She being as sick as I was at the time relapsed and made a couple attempts to come back into my life, namely by showing up at my flat tearful and hammered. After a drunken make-out session. I pushed her away again justifying my actions by telling myself I couldn't be around someone who was drinking (which was partially true but still doesn't excuse the way I treated her). To make a long story short. I got a little better, she got a little worse and instead of making an honest amends to her, I projected my sick behavior onto her and continued treating her like shit. "She's just crazy." A lot has changed since then. I moved on to find work in the mental health field after graduating and fully committing to recovery. She had a couple of kids (twins, not mine) and moved to the St. Louis area. I guess this is just something I need to lay on the table. Maybe it will be helpful/relevant to someone else... If it means anything to anyone. I'm sorry Leah. I hope all is well.
