Late evening and I'm here again struggling over what will be my future.

Am 34 and its been 20 years since ive had a single friend. Divorced. My family is slowly getting smaller and im realizing at some point in the future I am going to be totally alone.

Online support/platitudes dont do anything for me. On the surface I appreciate the well meaning intention but I see it for what it is, people trying to make themselves feel better after becoming uncomfortable reading our depressing experiences.

I work a job where I barely make enough that I pay any tax. I dont know how I will survive once I'm on my own. I thought about ordering out as a treat but I could not justify spending £14.07 on myself. How sad is that? I think about people who will make in one year what I will make in a lifetime and the worries they will never have to experience. 

I dont drink but Ive thought about taking it up, then I let out a bitter laugh at not being able to afford it anyway. But its a concerning thought that I want to take something that might provide just a few hours of escape from this hell.

My father died 10 months ago, and once my mother and brother go that will be it. It will be me in a house, no friends or relatives, staring at the wall when not at work. And that brings me such a deep sadness right now.

I don't have anything to offer a friend, let alone a possible partner. I don't want to inflict myself on people. I never hear from people again the moment I stop initiating contact anyway. It just happened again this week. Met someone, tried to befriend, they claimed to want to make new friends. Ghosted. My entire existence is people ghosting.

I took a big step and contacted my doctor about my mental health. First time I had said the words and asked for help. I was told I did not need their services and given some websites I had already looked at. Basically I was told to go touch grass and talk to friends.

I am *really* struggling today. What's the point in anything anymore? This is my life for the next 50 years? I'd rather check out now if it is.

As you can see, its mostly disjointed rambling tonight. I guess I just needed to vent. What a shitshow.