     I guess I’m stuck in a cycle. It feels like the only thing I’m actually good at in my life right now is work. Recently ended not the longest but the most serious relationship I’ve ever had. It’s been weeks since I blocked her and yet I can’t help but regret it and think of all the things I did wrong instead of why I blocked her in the first place. 

     I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and it seems most people can’t tolerate how “strong” my personality is for more than like maybe a couple hours tops. (By “strong” I mean annoying, talks way too much, overly emotional, and at times paranoid.) because of this I lean way to heavy on whoever I’m in a relationship with especially for my self worth.

     I don’t know if it’s related to my childhood traumas/experiences. But I also have this need to be a “fixer” in the relationship. Like I’m purposely focusing on people who have bigger problems than me for me to focus on so I ignore my own. This can make the person I focus on feel uncomfortable and on a pedestal because I don’t prioritize myself enough.

    One of the things she said that stuck in my head is something to the tune of “you don’t think for yourself, all you do is go with what I want and your opinions you do have aren’t worth listening to.” Maybe I don’t have a personality at all sometimes.

   Is it possible I’m like a robot one day, happiest guy ever the next, flip into paranoid loneliness and depression that feels so intense I can’t breathe and it’s like this massive hole in my chest. The funniest part is if you’re not close to me you’d never know. You’d think I’m just super happy and normal with how I have to carry myself . Instead of this ongoing battle between me and what I can only describe as an inner voice that chimes in seemingly whenever it feels I need to know the cons of anything and everything I’m thinking. 

   That’s the cycle, I try to focus on anyone else’s problems or I make new ones to avoid the fact I’m terrified of helping myself or don’t deserve to even get better. I’m afraid I will never get to the root of my problems, I’m going to not only continue ending up in painful relationships and some day I’ll die old and alone because I ruined all the chances I was given to work on myself and find a way to live for me and no one else.

    The only reason I’m even typing this, is because I worked a long ass week, and realized I once again have nothing to look forward to on a FRIDAY off. If anything I dread my off work days now. I’m aware I must sound all over the place, but this is the tip of a giant iceberg involving a lot of the past growing up. Just needed to vent.