My ex and I got together tonight to exchange our things. He cut me out a few weeks ago and it was incredibly painful. When he came over, we talked a bit and I read him a letter that I wrote expressing all my feelings, as well as acknowledging the mistakes that I took part in. He apologized also. I felt it went well, and a part of me felt so overwhelmed with emotion and missing him. I did something really stupid afterwards. I allowed my feelings of love to take over and I put on some lingerie and came out. He was attracted and we started to mess around. Midway through he starts acting strange, and I continue to ask him if he's okay. He stops it and says it's a horrible idea. I felt so unbelievably embarrassed and stupid. He got upset and said, "what did you think I meant when I said I needed to cut ties" and asked me why I did this to him. I asked him before we started messing around if it was okay and then he acts like it's all my fault. I am now feeling lower then ever, and regretting that I let my feelings cloud my judgment. I had some suicidal ideation float in from facing rejection from him once again. I don't know why my brain makes these impulsive choices. He then accuses me of manipulating him and that's why I did it. That upset me  because it wasn't the case at all. I am feeling a lot of shame right now.