For context, I’ve been depressed for almost 2 years, all as an after effect of lockdown. Due to this I have missed
many months of school from roughly dec 2021 to now. I’m in year 11 and taking my GCSEs right now, but I haven’t actually taken any because I am not well enough. About two-three weeks ago I was offered the opportunity to sit one English and one maths paper at home with an invigilator, and if I passed they could use that as my overall grade and I would be able to move to a levels without having to do a level 2 course in college. My mum was so so happy about this, and I wasn’t. We had already accepted the fact I would have to do an extra year at college, but this made her certain I wouldn’t have to. Knowing I would find this difficult, I explained that the only thing I was truly afraid of was her being upset and disappointed in me if I didn’t sit them, to which she explicitly promised she wouldn’t. Moving on, I did the English paper and it was alright, I was pretty proud of myself and so were my parents. However, in the couple days build up to the maths paper, I would be up all night crying over the revision as I just found it so stressful. She was there for me the whole time, pushing me to revise at every moment. I tried not to show how stressed I was getting. But I did tell her about me crying every night. Fast forward to the day of the exam, the day I’m writing this, and I am panicking and crying before the exam. This continues for almost 2 hours while the invigilators wait downstairs (they kindly offered to wait for me to calm down). Mum is by my side the whole time, telling me how easy it is to just go downstairs and sit it, how it will be over and this is the only chance I have left. I don’t end up doing the exam. As soon as the invigilators are out of the house, my mums mood towards me flips and she is now very clearly upset and angry at me. This is the one thing I was afraid of. I get told that I’m just hurting everyone I love and that I have to be normal now. This feels so unfair to me, everything was fine until I was offered to do the exams. The only thing that keeping me happy anymore is the fact that I am loved by my mum, but it doesn’t feel like that now. I don’t know how to cope.