hi friends,

I struggle a lot with impulsivity in regards to my BPD. I spend a lot of money on trivial things, get tattoos, dye or cut my hair, promiscuous texts with strangers, or researching the next big change I want to make in my life and then never making it because I'm terrified. But if I'm not hyper-fixated on these impulsive choices, I feel ... an itch or a tension to just DO SOMETHING. it's like I need the release of these stupid behaviours to get through my emotions? idk if that makes sense. 

I thought about using an app like calm harm to "ride the emotional wave" but I haven't tried it yet because I'm scared to be alone with my thoughts. I've relapsed in self harm this week even though I was 8 months clean. It's my 27th birthday tomorrow and I just keep thinking about everything bad in my life, rather than good.

 I also have a physical disability that's getting worse and getting me down. apparently people with my disability are more prone to mental illness so that's fun. Not sure if this is just rambling now but, ugh. Advice?