im 20 now. so i was pretty "normal" my first 18 years of my life, it wasnt good or bad, but when i hit 19 i had many plans that i planned for 10 years every single one of them failed, i cant even remember them at all, i used to cry over anything literally most pepole who know me saw me cry atleast once, there was literally no reason for me to cry at all, i went to therapy and got diagnosed with bipolar and depression i tried medicine for 5 months or something  and at first it helped me feel better and not cry anymore expect when im burn out but then everything in life seems gray like nothing has a meaning nothing is wrong nothing is right its like im completely a different person with a different prospective i,then i quit therapy and never went back. i don't know how to explain it but i just cant feel emotions at all but its weird that i could feel other pepole emotions just by looking at them its so easy to tell how they feel like reading a book it hurts sometimes because if someone is crying i immediately get very sad and sometimes cry and if someone is very happy i feel very happy too etc i know im saying too much its just i don't know if any of these are normal or am i going insane, another thing. why do i feel happy when someone mentions me even if they say they hate me, i dont know why but i feel good when someone uses me its like i know ive been abused for favors and alot stuff but it just makes me feel useful and happy even if im getting nothing for it. a month ago i was about to suicide but i just couldn't do it i was 1 second away from death but its like something didn't want me to die yet and stopped me .one last thing i have so many memory problems its like i have the memories but accessing them takes way longer than a year ago and they are very foggy my long term memories seem normal but short term are very bad i just think it could be because i went from 85kg to 62kg in like a year and half and i stopped eating any type of meat, it just makes my stomach hurt and the smell and taste are very disgusting that i almost puke i still eat everything and animal products just not meat. thanks for reading if you made it this far, probably just 2 or 3 pepole did. i just want some opinions on what im dealing with i cant explain everything because its too long but these are short verison.