Was made a target in a group of friends that I tried to get along with after years of not having a single friend. TL:DR

I knew them for about a week &amp; they genuinely seemed like nice people to me with no ridiculous expectations or anything. Like a chill down to earth group. 

Then the subtle hints/downing me &amp; the things I'm passionate about started to pile up heavy. I can take a joke don't get me wrong, hell I love a good joke, but when it's clearly meant hurt me or make me feel left out with no funny side to it it's just a clear reminder of why I stopped trying in the beginning &amp; will be the reason I never try. I'm not gonna harm myself even though I want to, but I'm feeling all my mental trauma/self hatred absorbing me once again. 

If you guys ever somehow stumble on this post I just hope you guys know that I direct it all at myself.

When I look in the mirror it's with anger &amp; a strong urge put my fist through it shattering it daily.

I know I rarely speak &amp; when I do it always comes out slow/odd.

I know I'm not good at what I enjoy doing.

I know my life is pathetic &amp; what I use is outdated/trashy/cheap.

I know...