I dont know what to do with out him. Its been like a year and a half and I haven't gotten over him even a tiny tiny bit. I've been to res 3 times. Hospitalised 9. Attempted 5. Life support 2. I keep fuckung trying to get out of this. I dont wanna live with out him but no matter how fucking hard I try im just not good at fucking killing myself. 

The 1st time I was on life support was the night he broke up with me. March 7, 2020. I over dosed on every med I had, inculding heavy sleep meds, benzos, and pain killers, with alcohol (all prescribed at least ig) my friend was checking on me and talking to me when I told her he cut contact. I was drunk and dillusional from taking probably 5(?) Bottles of pills, but in fairness they weren't all full. 

She immediately my parents for me to go to the er. I dont remeber anything after her and my parents showing up at my apartment, throwing up after going " noooo I totally didn't attempt", which in retrospect was fucking stupid.

 I woke up 2 days later in the er. No clue i had been on life support or had a feeding tube. I had stabilised and been taken off aparently and talked to my parents for a few hours but I dont remeber it. I was sent to the psych ward for 2 weeks, then res for 3 months. They wanted me to stay longer but it was at the start of covid and we had issues with finding a place that could take me. 

I was so fucking angry I was alive when I woke up. I still am. Not at my friend or my parents or the doctors. Just myself. Because I've tried so many fucking times and I was so fucking close but I just had to worry my friend enough to get caught. If I hadn't been so fucking stupid I wouldn't be dealing with this rn. I could just be fucking done.

Life isn't worth living without him but I need a way to kms where I won't end up in the fucking hospital again, but the only 100% way is a gun which i legally cant get or even afford. So im just fucking stuck. Im stuck being miserable. Im stuck feeling worthless and alone and feeling like ill throw up every time I see he posts about his fat ass ugly pathetic gf. 

I'd do anything for him. Not even to get him back, just in general. And I really do mean anything. When I say that people usually think I mean like oh most things. No. I mean anything. Sure I may not like it, but will I do it? Yes. Idc if he wants me to cut of my hand, kill someone, blow something up, I will literally do anything for him. I will find a fucking way. But right now all he wants is for me to leave him alone. Which im doing but god is it fucking miserable. The only thing I think I wouldnt do for him is not kms. Thats it.