I have been addicted to weed for about 8 months now and I hate myself. Everytime I smoke it, it feels euphoric and amazing in the moment and it makes me continue to do it more. But I'm also self aware that every time I'm high, I get all these thoughts that put me down and I paint myself in a terrible picture. It makes me hate myself and learn everything about me. There's nothing particularly "bad" about me it's just like the way I think and the way the world works. And when I become sober, I realize how bad weed can hurt me. It sucked all of my personality and ambitions away and now I'm just this lazy person who just sits around all day getting high and doing whatever satisfies me and most of the time it bores me, but I have nothing else to do but smoke more and more and keep the boredom away. This isn't me saying weed is bad, I'm just saying how it affects me as a person. I'm diagnosed with ADHD and whenever I'm high on weed, my adhd spirals out of control and I can't keep my thoughts to myself and I end up just flipping out on everything or overexplaining everything. I lose all self control while high but I get more self conscious about it and I have these terrible panic attacks when I think about it for too much. Ever since I've been addicted it has ingrained the thought that I only live for weed and talk about weed. And from smoking weed so much, the times I'm sober I get more irritable, I can't sleep, I think about things too much. When I'm hanging around with friends high too, my self conscious amps up even more and it takes control of me and after it i just sit alone thinking about everything. It makes me so depressed that I get the thought that nothing ever fucking mattered and I go on these tangents explaining why nothing matters and I try to end my life, but I never actually do it and i have no clue whats stopping me anymore. I fucked up my life so much. I have no reason to quit a lot of people I hang out with smoke it and I just tag along and end up smoking the most and then hating myself after it. And when i try to tell someone about this, they just dismiss it as "it's not chemically addictive" but it's different for a lot of people i feel like it triggers how my brain works a lot and it messes with my adhd too. Weed is very habitual and I see no reason in not constantly using it for me. When I get in such a depressive state while sober after getting high, it triggers me to smoke more weed again because I thought all those thoughts would just go away, but they never do and I still smoke weed anyways. Weed has impacted my way of listening to music or watching film. It makes me fall asleep or it makes me get sidetracked and I keep getting so many thoughts and I lose focus on the original task. I feel like I have fucked everything up in my life and there is no coming back from the trauma. I get so close to a goal and my own actions fuck it up or when I do reach a goal, it's a terrible goal I made that just makes my life descend even more, I feel like I can never make good decisions for myself and it continues to make me more depressed.