# Content Warning

Talking about socializing, friend fallout, emotional struggles, and feeling like a burden

Requires energy to reflect, might bring up personal struggles

This post could convey the message that it's "hard" to deal with people who have BPD. I want to address this up front that it is not difficult, and that I am eager to find ways to make it easier on my friends because they're important to me and I love them dearly.

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# Background

One thing I've observed in people with BPD is that social batteries are *extremely low*, and that just the act of reading a notification is enough to drain a bit of the gas tank for talking with others. In addition, I noticed that if the person you're talking to has to wonder *why* you want their attention, that also costs them unnecesary amounts of energy. This usually results in a hesitancy to open their phone or respond at all. For those without BPD this looks like malicious ignoring, when in reality it's just an act of self care.

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It is *very* important to me that my friends feel comfortable socializing with me. I have an idea, and I want to run it by those who live with BPD / EUPD to know if it is something that'll be appreciated. I don't want those important to me to over-stretch themselves unexpectedly.

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**Note:** I'm about to add "it feels like", "it does", "it causes", etc. in the following sentences as a way to convey what I *imagine* to be a common reality. I don't know for sure if it is common, but from paying attention to my friends, it seems to be a reasonable conclusion.

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If you look at any messaging app (Facebook Messenger, texting, etc), you usually see a sneak peek of what the contents of the message is before opening the conversation. If the message looks threatening, it causes a spike of anxiety. If it's a single word like "Hello", it feels like someone is going to drain you by wasting your time with meaningless small talk. There are so many emotions that can come from just reading that preview, and it can *really* kill the day of someone already having a bad time.

I want to avoid this because I care *very deeply* about my friends, and I do not want them to have these draining emotional spikes.

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# Goal:

I want to make it as easy as possible for my friends with BPD to engage socially with me, without them needing to mask as much. I want them to be comfortable with random messages, and be able to evaluate whether or not they should open the converation. I *also* want them to feel comfortable with the fact that I know they're not "just ignoring me", and I hope to accomplish that as a side effect of this.

The entirety of this comes from a place of love, and to encourage my friends to take care of themselves.

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# Question:

If I started adding a preface to my messages to indicate what to expect of the conversation, do you feel that would help? Is it a courtesy that would be appreciated? Is there anything specifically I should know to make it not place expectations on them?

It wouldn't be the preface of like every single message, but if it has been longer than 15 minutes and there's a subject change, I'd want to add the preface to the top of the message.

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**Example:**

Let's say I just wanted to talk to someone. Normally, I'd go 

"Heya 😄"

In a lot of cases, this could be completely harmless, but if a lot is going on in their life, it'll feel like yet another thing that they're going to let slip away. It'll drain them just a bit more, make them feel guilty, and put up a wall between them and me.

I feel like if I were to do the following, it would tell them up front that it's safer for them to open the conversation without spending too much of their energy.  


&gt;Catching up, no expectations  
  
&gt;  
&gt;Heya, how've you been? 😄

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Or if I wanted to hang out with them

&gt;Meetup interest, casual ❤️  
&gt;  
&gt;  
&gt;  
&gt;Hey, what are you doing this weekend? If you're free, you wanna go get some lunch at the mall?

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Or if it was something serious and out of the blue

&gt;Needs energy, important, feels  
&gt;  
&gt;  
&gt;  
&gt;Hey, I really wanted to talk to you about the other day. When {thing} happened, it kinda made {person} feel like {...}. I told them what was going on, but I feel like it'll also be a good idea for you to reach out to them and clear things up.   
{ rest of conversation }

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# Wrap up

What do y'all think? Is this a good idea, or is there something I can improve upon?