***processing my therapy appt CW:substance abuse***

Regrettably opening up about my marijuana addiction Bc now they wanna help me recover from an addiction I want to never let go…….🤡

So I had my 2nd therapy appt today since 3yrs of no treatment.. It went really well &amp; she genuinely puts value in me self advocating for myself which is really comforting. I always feel bad telling a therapist they aren’t necessarily what I need at the point in my life, so it was nice to openly express that to her and get genuine positive feedback—even if I cried a little I got my point across and got great feedback. 
anywho,

Im current on a dbt-sud waiting list, which felt wrong after thinking on it since I really need dbt-pe… But something she said today kinda clicked for me, basically always coming to the realization of how black and white my thinking is—now im understanding that DBT can be accessed in parts &amp; it makes sense for me to be in DBT-sud right now since, if I don’t give up this codependent-abusive relationship with weed and have a sober mind…I won’t really be able to process all the things I need to be able to in DBT-pe. 

It’s a hard pill for me to swallow. Because I want something to be a perfect fix &amp; that’s just not how therapy works. Im trying to accept the baby steps… But having to give up my one thing that gives me instant relief—no that’s too terrifying to even think about.
It’s so easy to repeat the knowledge I have on why I should seek treatment to help me quit my addictions &amp; that can sound like personal motivation to quit but really I don’t want to.

Being in treatment with no job/career and consistent leeching off of others finances… is really fucking hard when you feel like you need to be doing all of these things to be considered a successful person or less of a leech…

But at the same time it’s something I know some people wish they had—time to focus solely on their treatment, with out having to focus on rent or paying the bills etc..

I go back and forth with radically accepting my current position in this life, and absolutely beating myself up for not being in a successful place right now. So when I feel good it’s , ***oh I’ll never want to kms or burn everything around me ever again*** and when I feel bad, I can’t ever remember the feeling of good/happiness, ***this will forever be my state of mind, which is pointless so I should rid myself from this world.***

This thought is terrifying for me, if I don’t really want to give up weed, am I really in the place to accept the help I need? And if not, do I really deserve all the efforts of the ones helping me with this?

In my current state of mind, I know the pros and cons of being addicted to this substance—and in my current state of mind, I know the correct choice. However, my reality sets in &amp; I can feel how the pros outweigh the cons for me… 

Anyway, if you struggle with any substance abuse, if you’re currently in it, or have chose sobriety, I’m hoping someone can relate to this and give me some much need-new perspectives. 

-much love