I feel like a failure for not being able to turn this part of myself off and like I’m wasting the blessed life I have even though I really can’t help the way I feel. 

I am high functioning - at work, at the gym, at home. I’m put together and do things “right”. I get promoted at work and stay really fit and have a good boyfriend. The meds the last 15 months have helped this.

My depression washes over me so intensely sometimes I totally lose it. And it’s so embarrassing because there’s no reason for me to be sad, I just am this way sometimes. It makes me feel like such a burden. I don’t know how to explain it to my boyfriend. We’ve been together for six years and every time I feel myself slipping I get scared I’m going to lose him because turning into Sylvia Plath is unpleasant for all involved.

This time of year is also really hard for me - seven years ago my last boyfriend ended his life because of a severe depressive episode. It haunts me and I have complicated PTSD from the event. Around the first snow it kicks in. I start remembering our first date and then all the bad memories take over and I feel like I’m reliving the day again.

I hate feeling out of control and I feel scared that I’m going to lose all the good I’m lucky to have because I’m depressed and ungrateful and I don’t deserve it.