I’m just feeling very overwhelmed right now after hearing some news. This is all going to sound vague because I don’t want to get into the situation. Fair warning I’m just rambling. I just hate when people compliment me for no goddamn reason. Not that I should complain about that, I’m aware that it’s better than the opposite happening. And I’m also aware that there are times when I don’t give myself proper credit. I know that. But sometimes people just have these beliefs about me that are so goddamn untrue and I don’t know where they get them from. I was always told how bright I was and that I could do no wrong, and this was emphasized to the point where I actually believed it. Again, not the worst things to hear about myself but it just made it all the more devastating when I went out into the world and constantly made an ass out of myself and fell flat on my face with almost every endeavor. I always overestimated my abilities. And I’m not fucking smart, I just test well. I happen to find it easy to bs my way through the education system without actually learning anything. Again, I know I have a lot of underlying issues beyond BPD that make it hard for me to function normally and succeed. But if I’m so goddamn smart and great I wouldn’t be in this position. I wouldn’t be so broken socially with no direction in life and no discernible skills beyond being able to thrive in a retail work environment. Stop telling me I’m smart you don’t fucking know me. Where the hell are you getting this information? I know that I struggle to make the most out of opportunities. I know that I can push people away for whatever reason when they do try to get closer to me. I struggle to be a good person in that regard. And I understand that in some cases like this one I refuse to believe people when they say they see potential in me as a defense mechanism because I’m terrified and intimidated of returning to a workplace where, despite the opportunities it could potentially provide to help me move forward and find some direction in life, I’m afraid of making mistakes or failing and having another panic attack that would make me suicidal and send me back to the hospital. I know it’s good to leave my comfort zone but right now I’m just fucking scared. And yet it’s not like I have anything else going for me. But my self-image is shit and I struggle to trust people or just connect with them. I know this post is all over the place but I guess I needed to vent. Apologies for the rambling. I don’t think I’m actually that sorry but I am in the sense that this post might be difficult to comprehend so if you manage to read through it and even remotely understand what I’m saying then kudos and thank you for taking the time