obviously my attempt failed. the letter is largely incoherent. mostly misspelled and rambling. i don't know why i just read it to myself instead of deleting it. i just returned this morning from being locked in a maximum security psych ward for 10 days. it was hell. no windows. only 10 minutes of outside time per day. filthy sheets. horrible food. 3 phone calls a day for 5 minutes at a time. and no therapy or medication. i honestly can't believe i didn't hang myself inside or try to run away.

on the 30th i tried to kill myself. my third attempt. the second time i've tried it with pills and booze (idk why i thought this time would be different). i clearly blacked out. i'm having a really strange feeling right now. i'm traumatized from the experience of being locked up. and i'm not any better. i still want to kill myself. i'm ashamed. but i'm terrified of failing again and being locked up again. i can't even articulate the horrors of what i've experienced over the last 10 days. i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. it was 24/7 torture and humiliation.

i feel like i want to share my suicide letter, because i want people to understand the depths of my despair. i don't know if i sent it to anyone. it was just open on my computer when i returned to it for the first time in 10 days. i'm kind of afraid that i sent it out to folks but i have no way to check and either way, i probably traumatized some people. before i blacked out i sent some frightening text messages to some friends and scared a lot of them. but that message was legible and articulate. this one i just found on my computer is so pathetic and desperate, i want to cry for the person who wrote it (even though it was me!).

an excerpt: "I have lived a privileged life. I have had a family who loves me. I’m grateful. I have hurt people. I am sorry. I can never be forgiven on this mortal plane. So I am ending my own suffering.

[redacted people], and others The depths of my cruelness know no bounds. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better.

I hope that my love and forgiveness will take me to paradise.

I am sorry god. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for not being better. I am sorry. I hope that you will provide me forgiveness and understanding in the afterlife.

God I believe in your power. I believe in a benevolent ruler who will absolve me of my sins. I an desperate. I give my life over to you. To bring me to paradise. I grant me peace. Through your wisdom and grace and compassion you will guide me to serenity and understanding.

I am sorry.

Please forgive me for my sins. For my selfishness. For my codependence and love addiction. For my abuse. This is the only way I can make amends. I’m sorry."

there's two more pages of this, and it's mostly the same. apologizing to my friends and family and former lovers. i don't know why i'm writing this. i wish i had a gun. i'm such a fucking pathetic piece of shit. i just went through hell. god gave me a third chance (THREE CHANCES AT LIFE!! THREE SUICIDE ATTEMPTS THAT ALL FAILED!!) and yet here i am, frail and broken just as miserable as i was when i wrote that note.

i don't know why i'm writing this. maybe you could empathize. i could use some love right now.