tl;dr: sitting down with my FP soon to talk about how to do things in a healthy way and looking for help/suggestions. 


I just learned the term FP this morning and I'm having a bit of a crisis about it. I have a person who has been my best friend for about 3 years. We met online when we were both moderators in a community. We hit it off and became fast friends. He's been my rock as I've gone through a divorce and several mental health crises. We collaborate together on creative projects as well. For the sake of clarity I will also say that this is a long distance thing, we live in different states, about 8 hours apart. 

We were also very emotionally entangled and recently (about 9 months ago maybe?) he admitted that he loved me. It was something I had been feeling for awhile but he was married and my friend and it wasn't appropriate to say or act on it. He's now (theoretically) going through a divorce. He has told his wife he wants the divorce, but then the pandemic hit and he can't find a new place to live and he's been struggling with his own mental health issues too.  I'm having a hard time because I'm occupying this space where I know we both want more than friendship but things are so nebulous. He is more than my friend but we aren't really partners. We aren't "together." I'm constantly worried that the reason things aren't moving forward is because he is eventually going to change his mind. It keeps me awake at night. I know that in reality it is going slow because he is a careful person,  divorce is complex and emotional, and because he is trying to balance his own mental health needs too. 

We've been struggling a lot lately with balancing his needs (for me to be patient and understanding and supportive during a really tough thing) and mine (a need to plan for my future, to define what our relationship is, to feel in control of it). I was dating someone for the first time post- my divorce when he told me he loved me. I was in a polyamorous relationship so I planned to balance things but it wasn't working for him and eventually I chose my FP over my boyfriend, thinking we would finally be together which i really wanted. And then things completely stalled out. He got super depressed, I had the worst depressive episode of my life (I'm also bipolar and winter is always bad for me). I'm feeling resentful and lonely because I gave up someone else for him, and he is feeling guilty because he can't give me what I want right now and it is hurting me. 

He was my FP before I got my BPD diagnosis (about 18 months ago I think?). He is fully aware of the diagnosis and we've talked about the affect it has on my behavior. For his part he has been really good with it. When we fight and I start to get really angry he will pause and check in. When I start to push him away he asks me to clarify if I really want him to go or if I'm just being defensive. He's put up with a lot. For my part, in the time we've been friends I've gotten extensive mental health treatment and done DBT. I'm a lot better about all of it than I used to be. He has also gotten really good at doing things like letting me know what his schedule looks like in advance so I can make my own plans when I know he is busy. 

So we are trying to work through all of this and I stumble upon the concept of FP and I get really freaked out. Like clearly he is my person. No question. But what do I do about that? We want some kind of life together, I don't want this to be super unhealthy. I brought it up to him today and he said we will sit down in the next few days and talk it out. He did a bit of cursory reading on it and says he thinks its about knowing that is the dynamic and then setting healthy guidelines about how we do that. I asked if he was bothered knowing he was my FP and he said "i've known i was that person for you for a long time, i just didn't have a name for it." 

Sorry that was long and complicated. Really what I'm asking is does anyone have advice on what sort if things we should talk about? We already have set boundaries about time spent on each other. We both make sure to have hobbies/friends that are our own, he does his best to make sure that I'm not surprised about him not being around so I dont feel abandoned. I recently asked that he be more proactive in telling me that we are okay without me having to try to find ways to ask and he agreed. The hardest part for me is our relationship status being in flux, but I'm really working on using my wise mind skills there...

Thanks!