Im having breakdowns almost everyday now. My friend who ive known all my life is ignoring me because Im negative. Im turning to a bottle of liquor even though I dont drink much at all cuz I just cant cope right now. My my old best friend who is now in prison because hes a pedophile; broke me. I cant deal right now. I want to actually die. Yeah things get better, you have to make it better yourself. I try to reach out and end up getting judged by those closest to me. I think I made two new friernds and theyve been getting me to open up about all the shit ive done and who Ive been. I considered calling them but I dont wanna use them just for therapy or freak out. Im doing my goddamned best to take a look at myself and try to accept myself. Because of what happened with my old best friend and what he did; he wanted power because that was the only way he could feel good. My therapist helped me figure that out. I made a FP and massive crush with an older woman at work cuz shes smart as fuck and cute as can be. I used this precious connection and turned it into a need for power like my old friend did with a little girl. It made me feel good when nothing else did. I used the power to flirt with her and share my fucking awesome taste in music on facebook and I ended up helping and sort of wake up a friend of a friend who isnt very open at all. Eventually the truth of my actions broke through to even me. The ugliness of it. 

Oh my god the alcohol is making everything better right now. Can someone please help me not become an alcoholic. I dotn wanna be that. I want to flourish with my art. I want to follow my dreams, I wanna make tshirts with messages on them liek song lyrics or quotes that are helpful. I dream of having a supportive circle of friends. I dont draw very much because get so distracted by my emotions. I try to get hobbies in, like fixing up my motorcycle yet I get so discouraged and stressed by the smallest fucking things I give up because I dont want to have another break down. 

FUCK