So just some context: in highschool I was obsessed with this girl. She tried to be just friends with me but I was always trying to take it further. The very end of senior year I forced a conversation and we haven't spoken since. That was all three years ago. I try not to think about all of that although I'd thought I'd come to terms with it in a certain way, but once in a blue moon I'll have a dream that we fix things and become friends again, and I had one of those earlier this week. So naturally I start obsessing over scenarios and whatnot, this was also fueled by accidentally seeing her on TV (college sports) and an old friend asking about her when we were catching up. And also by the fact that I've been a severe dissociated state since spring break started for unrelated reasons.

One of these scenarios that played out in my head ended up with her saying she had forgiven me but then (again, in this made up scenario) I reply "But how can I forgive myself?" But then in real life I thought, "Wait a second, that's fucked up. Would I really say that?"

So here I am standing in my kitchen realizing that three years after the fact, it had never once occurred to me that I should forgive myself for the mistakes I made. In fact I'm not sure I've ever thought about forgiving myself for anything I've ever done! And then I started to realize... I'm pretty sure I've always been blaming myself for what other people have done to me! Well shit! That needs to stop to!

Anyway, we'll see where all this goes :P

**TL;DR: Realized I need to fogive myself for my mistakes, stop blaming myself for what shitty friends do to me. Who needs therapists?**