Going to start with an apology here - I’ve been getting terrible sleep, and I woke up at 3:30 and am more than a little stupid-tired.  As I said in the title, weddings are triggering for me for a variety of reasons I won’t go into here. However, I only really realized that they’re a trigger yesterday, when my SO and I attended a friend’s wedding. The couple were two beautiful, nice people and clearly thrilled to be together which is great... and trough the event I was feeling pretty darn jealous and sorry for myself. I don’t want to feel that way - I want to just be happy for them, which I am though the feeling seems tainted. It’s clear they’re a perfect fit for one another. There was a lot of being “so lucky to be together” talk and I couldn’t help but feel like I’m missing out, even though my SO was right there with me. We’ve been together 6 years and marriage has only ever been an abstract conversation. My SO has been a force of positive change in my life and I am so lucky to have that, and yet, I don’t think I feel that same enthusiasm that the newlyweds do. I’ll never have a big traditional wedding (family and personal relationships situations put the kibosh on that) and I try to tell myself I wouldn’t want one anyway - to some extent that’s true, but it’s also something I think I tell myself just to cope. After 6 years, I’m still not sure marriage would be the right decision for us and I can’t tell if that doubt is the BPD self-sabotage talking, or my deeper intuition. I’ve questioned the *rightness* of our relationship many many times. There’s no doubt that I love my SO, but we do have problems. I can’t remember when I last felt *thrilled* to be with my SO when the emotion didn’t have that BPD tinge of ideation. I’m not sure if I’m just depressed and triggered or if I’m really starting to see our relationship for what it is - a deep love but not a *true* sustainable love for a lifetime. I’m at an age where marriage and kids have become more pressing topics among peers. I feel left out on the former and am not sure the latter is a good decision for me. I’m adjusting to new meds, getting back to therapy, and trying to just *do life* like a functioning adult despite external stressors. I’m not looking to make a decision right now as I’m not sure what it is I really need. I don’t want to hurt my SO or lash out - no matter what I DO appreciate what we have had. I suppose I just wanted to tell someone all of this while I work my way though it. Thanks for reading. 