I’ve been looking forward to Christmas so much, I was going to be with my family, I was going to be happy. The lead up to this has not been great.

I was injured at work, my pay cut by so much that I’m already drowning in debt 2 months in, made payment arrangements that I can’t meet anyway, have a mini holiday booked that I only needed about $2-300 for that I can’t even afford that I was SO looking forward to, just 2 nights out of town with my best girlfriends (pls don’t think I’m soliciting). I also have a bit of paranoia surrounding my best mate getting sick of me being poor and useless because our other best mate of 5 years just blocked us all of a sudden (suffering from paranoid psychosis) and I haven’t gotten around to even coping with that yet and it was 3 months ago. I’ve gained 10kgs since moving out by myself, I’m already overweight as it is but I couldn’t fit any of my nice dresses I tried on for Christmas today. Some mean comment that I’m trying to not take on board as directed at me was made at Christmas that my sisters passed on to me but they were all pretty certain it was directed at me. I’m dealing with my dermatillomania again as I’ve had to take my false nails off for work and any self esteem I’ve had has absolutely plummeted. I’m struggling to leave the house because everyone is staring at me because they know I’m fat and disgusting and my house is a mess and I have all these horrible internal conflicts that I know they can sense. I’ve just come home and had several drinks because I just can’t deal with reality anymore, I’m not suicidal because I know very soon it won’t be like this but you know what us BPD enduring are like, it hurts so much right now that even knowing I’ll get through it is no comfort. I don’t want to reach out to family members or friends as it’s just one crisis after another with me. 

I’m sick of being the little boy who cried wolf.