TW: Depression, suicide, drugs, self harming

Disclaimer: This text is here to portray how people with depression may feel like. This is strongly inspired by my personal experience. Everyone has individual experiences. If you are struggling with depression and consider commiting suicide please reach out to mental health professionals. There is hope. Not everything you feel is realy. Please get help.

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It starts very slowly. Like a viral infection that creeps up on you but way slower, over the span of months or maybe even years. You can feel something is wrong, but you don't know what it is, everything just seems a little off. You slowly start to lose interest in the activities you used to enjoy. Your motivation drains, the goals and dreams you have in life not only start to seem more distant but also less significant. Your mood will start to drop, you're just not as happy as you used to be. All this happens over months or maybe even longer. All of a sudden, you're not really happy at all anymore. You can try to escape it, you can meet up with friends, go and do something. It might even help a little temporarily, but as your depression gets worse and worse, it won't anymore. At this point it doesn't matter where you are, or what you're doing, you cannot escape it anymore. It's in your head. Sadness isn't the right word to describe your feelings anymore, it's way more than that. You will have strong feelings of hopelessness and a darkness that's unavoidable. At this stage, everything starts getting worse rapidly. You lose yourself, there is no joy in anything anymore. All there is, is this all devouring darkness. No matter how many people are around you, you will feel extremely lonely because no one will understand what you're going through. But don't worry, soon you will be actually alone. As you lose all your energy, all of your personality, you will start losing everyone. You will stop talking to your friends because how are you supposed to talk to someone, if you can't even get out of bed anymore. All of your relationships will suffer, and you will slowly lose everyone you love. You get way more irritable, small things will drive you to the edge. If you had a partner, this is probably the point they left you. You change, what once  used to be a person with hope and normal emotions, just becomes an empty shell. Trapped inside their own head. You will suffer, unimaginable amounts of pain. Emotional pain that's so strong that it becomes physical in some sense. What you call your "life", isn't worth living anymore. You can't call it a life in the first place. You suffer more and more, and you're all alone in this. Your self-esteem will be diminished. You will start to think that it's you. You are the problem. Furthermore, you are the reason you suffer. You will hate yourself. This is the point where a lot of people will start doing drugs. The only thing that can ease your pain now is being high. But we all know that in the long run, this will just make your mind even worse. You might even start to harm yourself at this point. Some people do it to feel something again, because they have felt nothing but this huge, unescapable, dark void for a long time. Some people do it to punish themselves, after all you are the problem. Your mind starts to decay. Any rationality is gone. There's only you and the dark thoughts that won't leave. They are in your head, there's no way you can escape them. They feel undefeatable. After years of fighting, you will start to give up. There's no point in fighting an undefeatable, invisible enemy. It's like a parasite in your head that you have no way of getting rid of. You've probably lost a lot of sanity by now. If you haven't already, you will think about committing suicide all day now. Maybe you have family that you don't want to hurt, but the unimaginable suffering wins. You simply cannot continue. Every day, every minute of your life, is constant pain and suffering. The fight with the constant urge to simply end it all, end all the pain will be your main worry. This fight might last your whole life. There's people that fight years and years. But at some point, you will probably realize that there's no point. You're fighting a battle that you simply cannot win. After the realization that there is no escape and that you can't win, you will give up. The fight is over, you simply do not have energy to fight against it anymore. You lose. You lost at everything. If it's your first time, you will start researching and planning your suicide. This is all that's on your mind. Only to realize, taking your life is not as easy as it seems. So you plan it carefully and precisely. The time has come, it's time to leave this world. You sit there with the pills in your hand. You know how painful it will be, but what is this short temporary pain compared to what you've gone through already? It's nothing. So you swallow them. The heavy anxiety and panic starts to kick in. You think that you just ended your life. You sit there, waiting for death to come. But what's about to come is worse than death. Pain, heavy pain kicks in. Your insides feel like they're dissolving and eating themselves up. You scream and cry at the top of your lungs. In a moment of clarity, you will feel immense regret. But it's too late, you have decided your faith. As you're rolling in pain on the floor, breathing becomes harder and harder. You might start seeing things that aren't there. You start to suffocate, while enduring the worst pain you have ever felt in your life, you can't stop feeling intense regret. What if there was still hope after all. What if there was a way for you to become okay again? It's too late now. You lose your consciousness. Some people will never wake up again, they are dead. They have lost. Depression has killed them. But in your case, you might have survived. Maybe relatives or friends have found you and called an ambulance. Maybe you have called an ambulance yourself while you were dying. Maybe you weren't dying, and your overdose wasn't enough to kill you. If you have survived, you will wake up in hospital. But all that clarity you had in the moment of dying, is gone. Like it never happened. If you fully gain consciousness again. You will feel angry. You will be raging. You won't be grateful that you survived, you will be disappointed that you now have to continue your suffering. But it gets worse. Maybe your overdose has done permanent damage to your organs. Maybe you sit in a wheelchair now. Maybe you're mentally disabled now. No matter the case, after you have recovered in hospital, if you ever recovered at all, you have just won a one way ticket to psych ward. Locked up with people that are just as miserable as you are. Where they feed you meds, so you won't freak out during the day. What they don't tell you is, how much the meds will fuck with your brain. After months of being on heavy medication, you get released. You were locked up for months, and now you're in the "real" word again. Only that it doesn't feel real at all. Everything seems fake. All the people walking around, some of them smiling, you can't comprehend how they can be like that. How can they just live a normal life, how can they not feel like you do, how does anyone want to live in this hell that we call earth. In the rare case that you still have social contacts, you will notice that you're unable to socialize normally. How could you after all you went through. Everything feels distorted. The world doesn't feel real anymore. Perhaps, maybe it isn't real? Is it all fake, have you already died? Or have you just lost your sanity completely. You come to the realization that psych ward didn't help you, it made you way worse. There's no point in continuing. So you try to take your life again, and again, and again. The psych ward will be your new home.  Because for some reason, you can't even end your life properly. You can't do anything anymore. The vicious cycle continues and continues, until one day.....  your suicide attempt doesn't fail.