***WARNING: this post is a longer one. It’s a bit of a rant. But, please, read through it if you have the time.***

So, I have depression. It’s something that you, the reader, are probably familiar with because of how common it is. But, no matter how common it is, it’s absolutely awful and life-destroying.

Now, I have depression, generalized anxiety and my doctor doesn’t know of I have OCD or autism, but she is leaning more towards OCD since other doctors (2) said that I didn’t have autism when I was young. But that isn’t what I want to talk about.

I don’t feel emotion sometimes. Well, I do. But it’s just the overwhelming urge to cry. Sometimes I can’t be happy. I can’t even remember what is like to be happy. I can’t even think of what anxiety feels like when I’m in this state. I am devoid of all emotion except for the minor feeling of guilt and sadness. I just cry.

Does anybody experience this weird shift in emotion? I never truly am happy for more than ten minutes and whenever I laugh my brain quickly stops it. 

Now, I don’t that feeling sadness is apart of depression. But what is concerning to me is the sudden change of laughing at a YouTube video to crying myself to sleep. That’s what’s happening right now. I was watching some YouTube and then out of nowhere wanted to cry.

Also, I am afraid to tell my doctor. I don’t want her telling my mom. I don’t want my mom to know that sometimes I don’t care. Sometimes I don’t even care about her. Sometimes it’s just the random grief in my mind that I feel. I don’t want her to think that I don’t love her or love her less. It would break her heart. I know that. It’s a fact. But I feel so numb to it. It’s like “yeah I know it will make her sad and sad is bad so I shouldn’t”. 

These “mood changes” are killing me. 

Ideas? Advice? Help? Anybody else feel the same way?