I’ve attempted suicide multiple times, and none of my attempts were planned. It was impulsive and wanting the pain to stop in the moment.

With my BPD, I am always sad and I feel alone 24/7 so everyday usually just feels like crap. In the past, I had a lot of difficulty feeling loved and cared about but with the help of others recently, I’ve been getting a lot better with that and I’ve been able to recognized that I am loved and cared about. I’m really proud of that. But sometimes when things get really really bad and I can’t stop crying or it just hurts so bad and I isolate myself, my thoughts are super irrational and the only thing I think about is committing suicide to end the pain. This scares the hell out of me because really, when I’m not in that headspace, I don’t want to commit suicide. I don’t want to put my loved ones through that pain. But when I’m in the headspace, there’s basically no stopping me.

Last month on my birthday, I was in bed all day and I was in that bad headspace. I couldn’t stop crying for a really long time and I just wanted it to stop, I literally came so close to hanging myself but I got interrupted by a phone call. If my friend had not called me to wish me a happy birthday, I would have been dead. And that’s not what I want.