hi, i really need advice regarding something. long story short, i have bpd, and its very bad. please don't ask me to go to therapy bcs i live in an abusive household where i cannot move a limb without permission let alone get therapy. neither can i afford it. so well, the problem is that, almost 3 years back i fell in love with someone and i did EVERYTHING i could to make them love me back. i was constantly testing their loyalty. mthe very basis of our friendship was me faking my death so that they would notice me and show me sympathy and we would grow closer. which is what happened. eventually it got worse, i started to make fake accounts posing to be other people and telling them my life story and portraying myself as a miserable person that needed them and i lied, manipulated, gaslighted them a LOT. i did so very many disgusting things that even i cannot say. i emotionally abused them a lot too. didn't let them have friends, only me.  and they started loving me a lot. but they weren't a very expressive person. and were vague at times and god knows i CANNOT deal with being in the middle ground. in the middle they did some things which hurt me a lot too and i resorted to even more manipulation and just straight up weird things. eventually we started dating and we had our great moments as well as our drawbacks, which was on me. i just kept faking deaths and talking about how miserable my life was in ways it wasn't. through other "people" who i made up and talked as, who harassed them a lot. for not being "perfect" for me and not being kind to me yada yada yada. i used to threaten them with breakups and other stuff. i WAS indeed going through a lot but the things i did were just not it. and then quarantine happened and i worked on myself for almost two years and im at a place where i can navigate through my actions and not do toxic things and i have apologized to people, my friends and my this person who is currently my ex cus they broke up with me to figure some things out, and i have apologized a lot, tried doing every little thing i can to make up for it and i still am, i will keep apologizing and trying to make up for it as long as it takes. and i hate myself. so goddamn much. the guilt i feel, i really cannot explain how much it is. i have done every single thing i could to punish myself. to make up for it. because god knows how much i love them. and how much i hate myself for ruining perfect things. for not cherishing how kind they were to me and our good memories. and now things are just, so bad. it hurts so much that when i was a terrible manipulative person they loved me so much and now when im trying to grow and i need someone the most i just don't have ANYTHING. ive come clean to them and apologized a lot of times and they have been kind about it each time. they tell me they care abt me a lot but- it just doesn't show in their activities i guess? and i do not deal well with a middle ground. at ALL. i just cant lose them. i see them being with their older friends and enjoying their life, even going to therapy and i KNOW they deserve this. they deserve happiness and better than me. im happy for them. but it still hurts a LOT. i just wish they wont keep me hanging you know? just tell me to f\^ck off and i will wail and hurt. its better than hope. and this endless cycle of agony. i have NOTHING at the moment. so much abuse is going on but the only thing i can focus on is how much i love them and how much it hurts. and i cant tell them all this bcs, its not fair you know? to dump this on them after everything i have put them through. but this pain is just unbearable. whenever i see them with someone else, or not care about what im going through like they did before but also telling me they care, it hurts so bad. i don't know what to do. please help.

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TL:DR - manipulated lover, grew from it, apologized, hurting from lack of care from said person when i need it the most now.  