To clarify, I don't want to actively harm myself, I just don't want to keep trying to get better. I've been severely depressed since I was 15 and I'm 23 now, I've been in and out of mental facilities, tried several rounds of medications (that always needed mood stabilizers or some other medications to balance them out as I have other mental illness), I've practiced self love and trying to overall be positive..it just doesn't seem like anything I have ever done made an effect, if anything I just feel stupid for thinking I would be able to get out of this hole. Obviously not every day is a bad day, there are a lot of good days but it's just..hard..especially lately. I have a severe social anxiety, I freeze up and don't know how to talk to people, I want friends so badly it's a problem but I never seem to succeed in making a friendship that lasts, or that doesn't turn around and bite me in the ass. There's also been a lot of changes since last Novemeber in my life that have just really..set in stone that I don't want to try. I quit my job that was making me miserable only to end up in so much debt I can't breathe most days, I don't have health insurance so I can't afford my mental health treatments or therapy, I broke up with my partner who I was with for 2.5 years because we just were not compatible and i was causing a lot of damage with how mentally ill i was and it wasnt fair to him to subject him to that because I was not able to be the partner they deserved..and I may be homeless by August because I cannot save money by the time our lease ends because I am trying to get out of the 15k+ of debt I owe. It feels never ending. I just want to stop trying. I have no reason to keep it up. I really think I'm meant to be sad, lonely, miserable, and lost my whole life. I've always been the person to love and give love, but in the same token I don't think I was meant to be loved or even understood past a certain point. I'm just a waste, I'm pathetic, and I probably deserve to be this way. I'm sorry rambling..I just have nobody to talk to that understands how I could possibly feel this way. I don't want to kill myself, but if something were to happen to me, I think it would be a blessing.