i know im flawed but i try so hard because i care so hard. my boyfriend is my world and i dont know what to do without him, i think id die. ive never loved someone as much as i loved him. but my stupid idiot brain wants to sabotage everything every day. ive cried every single day the past week because its fuckup after fuckup from me. i make him suicidal, i make him self harm, i make him so unbelievably upset. hes never told me any of it, i dont know why he never tells me anything. probably because my brain sabotaged that too. he said he thinks im a good boyfriend and i asked why and he answered that he doesnt know. i love him and i care about him so much and i never want to lose him but at the same time i know hed be so happy if i just fucking died. i hate how much i hurt him i hate it i hate it i hate it. we cant ever talk about it because its too negative for him. i dont know what to do.

its not like good things never happen but i feel so disabled by the bad i just want to leave i cant cope with how much i hurt him and i dont want him to hurt anymore either. its not like the things that happen are terrible, i just say the wrong thing and end up never being able to just shut up and give him space. cause then ill freak out that i hurt him and try so hard to desperately make it better but he ends up feeling worse. then ill freak out that i must be so awful. i dont know i just wish i was dead. this looks so self pitying and stupid but whatever im fucking stupid