

I am out of control. For starters, I've been stalking/ harassing an ex boyfriend/ later best friend since December. 5 months ago since he went no contact with me.  As of now it's a monthly harassment (a voicemail or text, pretty benign as harassment goes in my possibly demented opinion) which is an improvement even if no one else sees it that way.  Small victories are all I fucking have anymore.  You should hear what I did to inspire him to cut me off like he did.  It's so bad I don't even want to repeat it because most of you would shake your heads and shame me.... so fuck that. You know how if you smoke weed and just keep smoking after you're high, you really don't get any higher and maybe even just get stupid?  That's me and shame. There's already so much you'd be wasting your opportunity for righteousness.  Save it for some one who has the capacity to learn from their mistakes or isn't living in a delusion, neither of which are me.


Today I rode passed his house and all his hiking spots and all through his small town which was my home for like 4 years, maybe? I thought I could will some sort of running-into- each- other and I kinda believed it.  But I couldn't find him.  So I called and left a very desperate, weepy voicemail which was desperately sincere and desperately manipulative (so I am told).  He was silent as usual.  And all of it made me want to kill myself, literally. This guy was really good to me for a long time.  Never thought he'd cut me off completely but he did and stuck to it.  Did not see that coming.


What triggered that whole production was earlier in the day I called my most current and very recent ex and pleaded for him to love me and help me because yesterday out of the clear blue he shut me down, told me we were over, which has totally annihilated what little sanity I have . We just had sex and said I love you two days ago so I felt like it wasn't totally off base to be like, "hey, wait a minute!" He was cold as ice and pretty mean and angry. To me it was cruel and I think if anyone else actually witnessed it they would agree.  Or maybe not.  Who fucking knows? NO ONE has witnessed either of us at our worst, but each other in the hellish 3.5 years we were together. So, then I told a really outlandish lie to push his buttons but then felt bad.... or wasn't satisfied with or validated by his reaction to the lie if I'm being honest with myself, and immediately called back to say I had made that up.  He was not amused. 


Soon after, against his wishes I went to his house, which used to be our house and sat in my car all desperate and crying and shaking and wondering what the fuck I was even doing and then wandered onto the porch like a hungry stray dog to which he responded, "what? are you 12?!"  and then he let me inside and he told me all sorts of terrible things like "This relationship is over,  you smashed up the house too many times" or "You have said Fuck You too many times", "This isn't your house anymore"... ok, so all that makes me sound really bad, I get it, but believe me this dude pushes me in ways I never imagined possible so shit gets crazy sometimes. He continued to yell a bunch of other shit that might actually make you feel bad for me that I can't recall because this kind of stress is hell on your memory.  I went and laid in his bed for about 15 min.  I don't know if he ever knew I was there because he was in the living room watching and seemingly interacting with his UFC show like everything was normal and his crazy, suicidal ex wasn't laying down in his bed like an activist at a protest. Then he went to the bathroom for a really long time and I went and got his prized, super sharp, steel, chopping knife and took it to my car and drove away seriously considering slitting my wrists with it.  I thought he might see it missing and put two and two together, meaning me leaving unannounced and "where's my new knife that I brag about constantly?"  That crazy thought went on to tell me that then he would become concerned and call me.  But he didn't.  And now I don't want to slit my wrists with that knife.  How over the top dramatic.... says the personality I'm apparently in right now.  WTF is wrong with me????


It feels like I almost actually die by how fucking hard I think about and imagine my suicide.  I toy with it, but I never come as close as I used to when I was younger with sleeping pill overdoses followed by 72 hour hospital visits with all the liquid charcoal you can stomach or cutting injuries that required stitches.  Maybe I out grew it or learned to override the compulsion.  Really though, I don't want to deal with the aftermath.  It's kind of like getting arrested after 25.  It's just not as charming as it used to be.  That's a joke.  I know it's not charming.  But if you can't laugh at yourself.... or something.


This time is rock bottom for me.  On a side note, I've become seriously underweight. My body was fucking rocking not too long ago and now I'm a goddamn rail.  It sucks. Also, I'm irritated by my vanity so double suck. I've been in a depression that at times bleeds into psychosis since 2012.  7 fucking years. I keep waiting for it to go away, but maybe I just went crazy in 2012 and this is the deal.  I swear it's never been this bad.  Like just when I think it can't get any worse, I make it worse.  And then I make it better.  But no one cares by that point.  I try to make it better anyway.  I was out of control today.  I pray tomorrow is different.  I pray that from now on I don't care so much, that I don't act as much, that I can just accept my circumstances, this fucking hole I've dug.  For fuck's sake.    


This was an exceptionally insane day. I did some other stuff, too.  It's just gratuitous embarrassment though to elaborate any further.  I have a borderline personality disorder diagnosis.  I don't want that to be an excuse but fuck, who acts like this???  It feels like I can't stop.  The impulse has to be brought to fruition and then I have to feel bad and then I'm just like fuck it and things don't seem so heavy for a bit.  My most recent ex is such an asshole and so fucking difficult and has a serious empathy deficit, but only towards me, but then I act so over the top crazy I have no credibility. I don't know what's happened to me or how to get myself back or any dignity or self control or self worth going on.  I just turned 40 and I seriously feel no different than a teenager emotionally.  My suffering is intolerable to me provoking behavior that is intolerable to others.  There's so much more to this story.  This is just the tip of the iceberg. 