This week has been one of my worse weeks. It's been filled with shit honestly. I made a post yesterday about fucking things up with my FP (one things among others this week).....potentially for good. Well yesterday I had a thought after listening to "My Life" (Imagine Dragons). I decided to text my FP and make a simple, straightforward, and direct request. I asked him if he could do two things for me today: 1) read a note a wrote in front of me, 2) listen to a song ("My Life"). He agreed via text yesterday and I saw him today. He upheld my request and read my note and listened to the song. We had a discussion- it went well. I proved to myself that I can be okay with others, at least in this moment and that I can unfuck things and the person who my BPD makes me doesn't get to be in control all the time. I proved to myself that the real me still exists and is a capable person. 

I didn't make things all about me, I made things about us. I told my FP how much I appreciate what he's done for me and how I recognize the ways in which I have put unfair stress on him and how I want to work through that. I also told him what the real me wants; for him to stay and just be himself and do the little things. He doesn't have to be there in the capacity that he has been in the past, I just wanted him to stay to just be there so we can interact normally to our usual depth and sibling-like messing with each other. 

There's a ton of detail to all of this that I'm leaving out, and more points on why I'm happy about today, but basically all I wanted to post here was that things went well and I know my FP cares about me and will still be there. And I proved to myself that I can be me again and communicate with someone after making a mistake with them. I will do my best to respect the boundaries that my FP has put up, and we're going to move forward with more stability. 

I just feel good right now. Wish I had time to sit here and really explain details, but for what it's worth, I did some awesome shit today and healed a bit more of my brain.