TLDR: my partner of 5yrs cheated A LOT at the beginning of our relationship.. now my bpd is absolutely terrible.. He’s my favorite person &amp; my main trigger all at once.. I know the easy answer is to cut ties &amp; heal but our lives are very intertwined! (Kids, pets, house, etc!) 



I’m not even sure where to start.. I haven’t seen any stories like mine so I feel very lost. 
My(20F) partner(21M) &amp; I have been together 5 years now.. So now that I’m diagnosed with quiet bpd I realize Ive always had it.. I never thought anyone would ever take me serious &amp; want to be with me long term.. I was always in &amp; out of relationships &amp; I now realize It’s because I was sabotaging them.. Well I met my current partner &amp; everything changed.. I now realize he was immediately my favorite person.. We of course took things way too fast because of that.. 9 or 10 months into our relationship I got pregnant.. I thought all was well but he started cheating.. He put me through absolute hell for over a year at least..? I can’t even remember when the cheating actually stopped.. There was 5 different girls he messed with while I was pregnant &amp; after.. It was just the most traumatic time of my life.. Looking back I feel so stupid for trying to make it work.. I of course tried to leave &amp; I tried to tell him I’d let him off the hook but he insisted he wanted me.. He’d constantly go back &amp; forth between wanting me &amp; cheating on me.. It was miserable. I wish I would’ve just cut contact &amp; never looked back.. I now realize he’s my favorite person which is probably why I didn’t.. But now, a few years later, my mental health is worse than ever.. My bpd is absolutely terrible.. I’m constantly splitting.. I mean how could I not.. Of course I had trust issues &amp; stuff before but I had no doubts about our relationship until the cheating started.. &amp; now I’m just suppose to believe he won’t leave &amp; cheat on me even though he already has so much..🫠
I know the easy answer is to just leave him.. split up, heal &amp; start over.. I know thats probably the right answer too but I’m stuck. He’s my favorite person &amp; I don’t want anyone else but at the same time I don’t want him.. I just feel so stuck.. like wtf am I suppose to do. Our lives are so intertwined, we have kids, pets, you name it.. I guess I just needed to vent.. I’ve never seen a story like mine..