My therapist was convinced I was bipolar but I couldn't afford to keep going, I went to a psych ward twice and they just gave me Lexapro and then Klonopin, and I can't even afford to keep taking my meds at the moment so I've been half dossing until I get paid, which it's been almost four weeks I'm out of meds and my paperwork was messed up so I'm not paid still and I probably just lost my job anyway today.

I've been manic, super happy and wanting to go hiking and spend time and making all these plans and ways I'm going to spend my first check from the new job, working over non-stop because I could. Today we had rude customer after rude customer after rude customer and I was forced into drive-thru with no break with everyone on staff pissed and cussing and throwing things and then some guy called me a bitch and told me to step outside to beat my ass because his order was taking too long. I snapped, I stepped out which I never have done, and was yelling and cussing and so fucking angry and I was ready to fight and he drove off and then I just crashed and I want to kill my self and I'm cutting, my fiance is keeping me in our spare room with the dogs and I just want to die.

I don't get how you keep living like this. My head hurts all the time, I'm so tired, I go weeks sleeping like four hours a day and then I just can't and I sleep all day and want to do nothing and I just want to be normal and not so fucking broken and if I can't be normal I want to just die and be done with life. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.

I can't afford to go to a fucking doctor to get fixed, I can't work a job long enough to afford to get fixed to keep the job. I'm fucking worthless and a fuck-up and this world just isn't meant for me. I'm too scared to die but too tired to keep going, you know?

What am I supposed to do and why can't I be fucking normal