Right now, im really not happy with my life. I am filled with this strong envy and despise for myself and my own life when I am alone, with my own thoughts. I feel this anger bubbling inside of me, feeling trapped in this completely stagnant, lonely and crippling life. Everywhere I look, I see people living a life that I wish to have, one surrounded with people, just friends, regular friends - people to make memories with. 

I really have none of that and I never have and doubt I ever will. The closest I have ever gotten to any of that is through using my body for attention…yeah that’s shit is low, I know. Anyone who has ever ‘cared’ for me, has expected me to give them my body as part of that package because of the means in which we established a friendship or connection. The moment that factor is taken away, everything comes crumbling down. The sad fact is, I only know how to gain and maintain interest is through sex. That’s not what I want, not any more. I want better for myself.

No matter where I look I’m seeing others live out the life I am so deprived of. I cannot use any social media as it drives me insane just seeing other hanging out and doing things with eachother, when I have none of that. Honestly it fills me with the painful level of envy and spite, emotions which I don’t want to feel but I cannot help. 

I have so much love in my heart. I am not a hateful person, so i repress these emotions, however I have repressed them for so long and feel so hopeless that it pushes me to this place of wanting to kill myself. I am exhausted of feeling this way. The only way I see out of it is by ending my existence so I no longer have to suffer in a space where I feel I don’t belong or have purpose. Making friends as a 23 years old is just impossible. It truly does feel that one of the greatest forms of suffering is to live a life of loneliness. 

It is the bane of my existence and it makes me feel sick. When will it end?