I was diagnosed with the fucking nightmare right before covid and all I've done is hurt people since. I was doing these things before but since it's been 5000 times worse.  And since my cat died last year and a sexual relationship with one of my friends ended I've basically been constantly unhinged especially with the constant stream of the world being on fire constantly for two years. Two years of therapy did nothing. Multiple medications did nothing. I've basically never had a job and I'm 30 so I can't afford weed which is the only thing that's helped my symptoms at all but only enough to where I can at least play games and not be a miserable piece of shit to my friends and family. I threaten them all the time I threaten to hurt myself in front of them. my parents look at me how I look at myself and honestly I prefer that to what feels like the lies my friends tell me about how they love me while they are constantly moving away from me and actually have lives to live. I'm at the end of my rope here and nothing helps I've honestly thought about doing something drastic so my parents call the cops but in that state and my hate of fascist pig fucks I'd probably go for their gun and be shot. I want to die so bad but I'm so scared of it my entire life feels like lies and contradictions and I'm too exhausted to try anymore what am I supposed to do I can barely even go outside and interact with a gas station worker or a drive thru worker like what the fuck am I supposed to do