Last night I had a pretty bad breakdown and while I usually keep all my thoughts to myself, for the first time ever I told my boyfriend some of those things I thought. I said “I feel like you deserve someone better, I’m probably gonna hurt you, etc” and it wasn’t really taken that well

He said he was very caught off guard, he didn’t know what to say, so I apologized saying “I’m sorry I’ve never done that before, I don’t know what I was thinking” and he said it’s fine and he’ll recover. 

I just feel so awkward now.. and I’m scared too.. it’s the first time i ever had an outburst like that during a breakdown and I feel like I messed things up. 

Also, somewhat unrelated but, I’m a dude and I feel like my internalized homophobia is coming back, and I feel like I’ve hurt him by saying “I wish I were straight” and things of the sort.. i feel like it’s all come crashing down at once after doing so well for so long