I have been punching myself and cutting my  upper arm with a razor knife. I am 34 years old. I am on Zoloft 150mg and hydroxyzine 25mg. I am married and have a son who I love. I am a good person to people at work. I am tired when I am home and I guess would consider myself lazy at home. I am a boss at work at my construction job. I love my wife and kid. Lately she doesn’t like me anymore because of my anger/ outbursts and just always being depressed. Maybe I am bipolar? I have never told any drs how I actualy feel. Like a failure. Like a pos. Like a fake person. Numb. Stupid. I do work and have worked in construction for a long time. Maybe I was exposed to some chemicals over time? I feel stupid with the things I overreact about and make up in my head. That’s what I think my problem is actually. That I make up crazy things in my head and get depressed and mad then actually end up believing them. Then I put this on the people I love then then I don’t know. I have not been this bad before. I am with the online care team that prescribes meds. It was too much of a pain actually going to a dr every month and make up some bs that Zoloft is helping and all that just to keep getting the meds. It was only 50mg as well. Now I just see a dr online and get 150 mg. To try to help. I don’t know if it’s the right meds to be on bc I have never been this crazy. Also I have been purposely hurting myself to feel and also drinking on my meds and as well as just taking the hydroxyzine whenever and more then prescribed like 2 at a time instead of the one then taking another 10 min later bc I know I shouldn’t. Then sneaking into kitchen to chug vodka. I carry my razor blade with me and lately every time I get off of the shower I have been slicing under my upper arm near the armpit. I can’t even explain to myself why I am doing this. I am also falling asleep while driving to work at 4:30 am and as well as drinking home at 3:00 pm. I am purposely staying up late to get no sleep. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read some of my rambling