I've always dealt with depression ever since I can remember,  in a way I got used to it and although I was never seriously considering suicide,  I didn't really care what happened to me.  Or so I thought. 

 One night after getting in a horrible argument with my ex, I decided to go out for a drink.  30 minutes and 3 long Islands later I walk back home and continue to argue, which is now worse because I'm pretty buzzed.  

During the fight I grab my bottle of ambien I was prescribed and bluff that I'm going to take them all so I'll be at peace.  My ex told me to do it, thinking Im being dramatic.  In my drunken state I thought I'd be able to throw them up,  so I swallowed 13 ambiens like a fucking idiot to prove her wrong.  

Immediately I tried to throw up, after about 5 mins I realized I can't get them up.  I've never, ever, felt such a fear as I did at that moment.  As much as my life sucked, I instantly knew I didn't want to die.   

I ended up blacking out, falling down the stairs.  My ex didn't call the ambulance because she was afraid cps would take the kids, instead she called my dad who is a retired cop and he was able to get me to the hospital.  

Ever since then I feel trapped.  I always thought death would be a way out, but that feeling scared me so much that I'll never consider suicide again. I truly feel trapped in this depression.   I've spent every holiday completely alone for the last 3 years and all my friends and family are gone.  I'm gonna be 40 next year, feel like I'm wasting my life, but don't know how to get out of this funk.  Sorry I just needed to vent somewhere.