Like, it's almost an addiction. If I can do something harmful for myself, then I'll be tempting to go through with it. Then I complaint that my life is bad, but at the same time, I'm partially responsible for that lol.   


I'm supposed to go to a school event this Thursday, it's important because it determines the rest of my semester, and I'm here like....mmmm...maybe I shouldn't go and fuck things up. School is making me feel depressed, so for me, this could justify my absence.   


I don't give any effort to make my future better, I stopped caring and I constantly look for ways to destroy my own life. I almost wish this would be so unbearable so I can finally drown myself and leave this world.   


But my biggest fear is that I actually destroy everything and somehow, manage to be alive to suffer the consequences of my actions. Isn't that ironic?