I'm not officially diagnosed with anything, but my money's on BPD. However, I realized that I maybe don't even WANT to divulge all my fuckedupness to a therapist, because I can't handle seeing things through the lens of mental illness for some reason. Mental illness is a framework or lens, and like frameworks, it reinforms and readjusts how I see the world. I feel it'll make me horrible to see things this way because 
1. I'll overthink everything I do as a potential symptom of BPD/whatever I get diagnosed w/. 
2. I know, I know, I know- But I REALLY do think that, on some level, the good lord giveth and taketh. I don't wanna lose my creativity and be "cured". 
3. I don't wanna have my feelings not taken seriously just 'cause I'm X, Y, or Z. 
4. I feel like normies get away with so much. I feel like there's more pressure to behave when you're mentally ill. Which sucks cuz I can legit prophesize whenever I'm "going to lose control", and then I'll do the bad thing, and then people will be like why did you do the bad thing, and I'm like I warned you! But they never listen, and I know "it doesn't excuse it". Blahblahfuckingblah. 
5. Every time I've reached out for help, it's always, ALWAYS blown up in my face. I just don't see the fucking point anymore. 
6. The world is also sick??? And you're gonna call ME the sick one? Alright, buddy. 

So, yeah, I can't do it lmao.