I just need to vent, I have no one to talk to. I know how all this sounds, I just want to let it out. 

I know I sound so dumb, immature, stupid.. all of it. I don’t know why. Never in my life would I have thought I’d ever have these type of feelings. It triggers me so much knowing he’s been with another girl before, I wasn’t his first but he was mine. He was with her for many years… and very shortly after that break up he confessed to me (I was not the reason for the break up). It makes me feel his feelings for me must be a lie then, a rebound? but, I know it makes no sense! My brain is so stupid and won’t let me be a rational person!! I know it’s how life is, people come and go, we learn, and it’s normal. Why am I this way? Why can’t I be like a normal person? Is it because he’s my first boyfriend so my brain is making me feel this way??? Do I feel this way because I’ve never even been on a date, talking stage NOTHING with any guy, but he did with a girl??? I hate myself so much. 

And then I’ll see so many tiktoks and memes of this type of stuff like “when we are talking and then I remember he’s talked to other girls before,” which I know to many it’s relatable and funny but at the same time for me, I hate myself when I see those because I know it’s me but more extreme and basically delusional over it because of my bpd. I hate it. I hate me. I just want to be normal. Why can’t I be like a normal partner. 

Yes I’ve talked to him with it many times, he’s always reassured me. My brain is just so stupid, I’ll be okay for a little bit then it just comes back and then I’ll split on him and it’s just a cycle. Yes I’m getting help and am on medication which does calm me down more and it happens less often but I feel it’s not enough. I just want to be a normal girl and be happy.