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TLDR: I'm in love, again, and my heart is broken, again. I'm sad but more than anything I'm just empty. fuck bpd.

I hate bpd. I hook up with people, then I tell them I wanna be their girlfriend and I start imagining my whole life with them. Even if I know we aren't compatible at all, I just think well maybe that's all that's wrong with me. Maybe I just need to change my lifestyle and who I am. Because I've never really known who I am, or who I want to be. I'm always committing to a new hobby, a new religion, a new major, etc.. but I never stick with anything. 

I've been hooking up with this guy since september now. Just like everyone in the past, I instantly decided I was in love. But what sucks is it's been going on so long and I still feel that way. I know him so well now and I still feel that way. We both agreed off the bat that it's best to keep things casual (I agreed because whenever people wanna date me it freaks me out even though I always wanna date them). I'm so in love with him though. By now in life I've learned it is not at all ok to tell him that I love him if I want him to stay. I told him I was afraid of getting attached and he gave me such a long response and it was so heartfelt and one of the sentences was "it's okay to move on, we can still see each other now and then but don't get stuck on me" and the only two words I can think about are "move on"

I always knew it was kind of delusional but I wanted to have kids with him. I wanted to be accepted into his family and I imagined my name with his last name and I just really convinced myself it was possible. And then those two words: move on. My heart is shattered. I went off seroquel over a month ago because it fucked with my brain enough that I failed last semester in college. My GPA is 1.3 and I've been given one semester to turn things around before they kick me out. And if i get kicked out of school, my family will be so disappointed. I will be so disappointed. I'm so tired of being disappointing to everyone. But now that I'm off seroquel my mood is all over the place. Stupid small remarks from people make me suicidal. Even kind things. Why am I so sensitive. Everything hurts. I'm still taking an antidepressant at least but I just feel unstable. I'm so sick of this stupid illness.

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My heart is just fucking broken, and I feel guilty for even being sad because I know it's not even rational. Sometimes I feel like this is the loneliest illness in the world. I even spent my new years alone. Well, mostly. I invited all my "friends" over and nobody came. one guy came and tried to hook up with me and I made him go home because all I could think about was H (the guy I'm in love with). H's birthday was on new years day so he came over at midnight and we had sex and I didn't even wanna have sex but being close to him and seeing him smile and feeling his arms around me was so worth it. And he's sexy so it's a good deal. And then we finished and he left. I want to take drugs or starve myself or bleed or something I can't bear to exist right now. I can't describe how devastated I am but I figured if anybody would relate it would be those of you on this forum. I know I just sound like a typical crazy girl and it's because I am but it still hurts either way. The worst part is I don't even think it's him I'm upset about. I'm just heartbroken to face the reality of being alone again. 