I think one of the most toxic things I do is I take out my depression and my self loathing on other people. I feel like shit so much of the time and just want to be alone or I get overstimulated so easily. and then someone does or says the tiniest little thing to set me off and I want to scream at them. I don’t, but I do get an attitude and snap really easily. I get cold to my boyfriend and say things rudely to coworkers or my family or even my friends. 

It makes me feel like a bad person because then it’s not fair to anyone else. It’s not their fault I feel like shit and I’m mean. I feel like an asshole. 

I think part of me does it because truthfully, I don’t want anyone to care about me. Sometimes I wish no one loved me or wanted me around because then I wouldn’t have anyone I’m forcing myself to live for. The only reason I keep myself alive is because if I killed myself and ruined the lives of people that care about me I think that would definitely make me a bad person. 

Sometimes I just want to disappear and ghost everyone. Save up some money and move to another state and then end it. Then at least people could just think I just went away. But someone even then would probably eventually find out. and maybe that would be even more fucked up. 

I just don’t want to be here anymore and I’m tired of suffering for other people.