I don’t really know how to begin this, I’m struggling just to write the title because I feel so exposed. I even made a throwaway acct for this specific post even though nobody even knows about my main account. I have a terrible problem where my mind just wants to escape.. I want to get out and do stuff, have fun, explore, make friends… ya know, what every normal person does. But my mind has bars around all of the windows and doors. I can’t get out. I try and I try but every time I make a step forward, I get pushed 10 steps back. I used to be able to cry to relieve some stress, but my mind doesn’t allow it anymore and I just sit here thinking. My mind locks me in my room, on Reddit and on YouTube where I have full anonymousity. I try to talk to people but I always do something awkward  or something that makes me look bad which forces my cage tighter around me. I’ve hidden these problems for years now and my family still has no idea. They think I’m all happy as a clam, but everyday I fight with everything I have as to not put a bullet in my head. All I want is for someone to talk to. I want them to talk to me because they want to talk to me, not because they’re obligated. I just want someone to want to talk to me. Life isn’t fair. I just want this and I can’t have it. I give up everything I have and everything I have ever or will ever have just to have one friend who wants to talk to me for who I am. What I don’t want is to be the third leg. I don’t want someone to talk to me because they need to. This is the reason I keep this to myself. I don’t want my suicidal feelings to be the reason why people talk to me. I want me to be the reason people want to talk to me. I just want to put a gun against my head and pull the trigger because not a single person wants to be around me. I’m tired of being on the sidelines and being that guy that everyone knows, yet nobody actually knows me. I have no idea how much more of this I can take. Sorry if this reads like jibberish, this took me over an hour to write with multiple crying sessions in between sentences. I’m not going to reread this post for grammatical errors as I usually do because if did I know my mind would make me erase it all and never post it as it tends to do. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to make a post like this, I think this is just the first time I’ll finally be able to post it because I’m sick and tired of my godamned piece of shit fucking comfort zone