I stopped working on managing my BPD because I thought I didn't have it for a while. Meanwhile I was damaging my relationships to the point my bf brought me up in his therapy session. I notice that I think in black and white, that I'm too hard on him, that I say he's unfair to me, he doesn't do enough- but he is fair and he does a lot. Sometimes he doesn't give me what I need, and it's hard to put it together, that both these things can exist at the same time. It's going to take a lot of effort to teach myself to think like that.

BPD feels like a pattern I'm trapped in, something that was born out of a difficult childhood and keeps replaying over and over. It's like my brain loves the familiarity of that childhood experience but doesn't understand I could love feeling normal more. Familiarity doesn't mean good. I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD, and despite removing her from my life two years ago, I feel fucked for having been raised by her. She controls me even when I have no contact with her. 

It's tough. I can hear the things my mom used to call me and say to me in my own head. Worse than that is I start thinking like her, acting like her, treating other people the way she would. I wish all the time that life was like that scene in fight club and I could shoot myself in the head and have that specific part of me go away.

It'll never be that easy. There's no cure, no magic bullet, and the only way I'm ever going to deal with it is by resisting it in small ways every day. That's how I deal with depression and somehow I'm staying afloat.

It's like I get this rage that builds up in me and after a while of being "good" I need a target, doesn't matter who it is. I feel relieved when I rage, and for a while after I can go back to being "good". I think that's why I bicker with my bf, it's like I pick arguments for the opportunity to go on a rage tangent. It's either rage or keep it inside and feel bad. Make other people feel bad or feel bad myself. Why does it have to be like that?

I get so worried that people will notice my personality short comings so I overcompensate, try to be overly empathetic and understanding, want to look good and impress people so that they won't notice the rest. BPD isn't the worst diagnosis in the world but it feels like a life sentence sometimes. I don't want to be trapped in these patterns forever.