Without fail; every time I go out with my friends for a drink, I will hurt myself on the way home. I think that I hate the way I acted during the night, things I said or did, perceiving that everyone hated me and I feel ashamed for always making it about myself and spending the night talking about my problems. So I end up self-harming. 

Last night I went out with a buddy whom I’ve never been drinking with before and I mentioned this to them. They are diagnosed with BPD as well, and wouldn’t let me go home if I was going to hurt myself. 

I explained I was angry and didn’t really know why, but the anger wouldn’t dissipate until I hurt myself. They told me to punch them in the face. I really wanted to; I wanted to hurt, myself, someone, anyone, you know when you go looking for an argument or fight? It wasn’t personal, I didn’t want to hurt THEM specifically, but I did want to punch something. 

I spent a while convincing myself not to do it; but the urge was too great and they were eager to help (?) if you can call it helping.

We ended up doing some weird fight club style thing in the street where they made a deal that if they gave me a dead arm then I would punch them in the face. 

We were just drunk enough to do it and so I punched them square on the jaw. I’m not going to lie but it was a great release (I’m not a fighter so it wasn’t major, I just left a painful bruise). 

I’m just a little weirded out that it happened and that we both totally did not care about it? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? 

Is it normal for friends to mutually decide to beat each other up? 