Hi there,

My husband (who has been my person since I was 12; we are 26 now) left ~6 weeks ago. I  have been all over the place with my feelings. In this time, he has become completely hateful and cruel towards me. I haven't exactly been a joy myself, but I also found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant and had to take the abortion pill - this was a really huge deal to me and he's acted as though he could not care less. He was very threatening about the prospect of having a baby. We're dealing with custody stuff for our seven year old. My (ex)husband isn't his biological father, but he has raised him since birth and they were close before he left suddenly. 

I can't seem to put aside my feelings. My ex changed drastically over the past few months and has hurt me more than I knew imaginable over this time. He's totally withdrawn and detached and I have no idea how someone can say that they love you one day - after building a life and a future with you - and then split. He has a decent understanding of my BPD stuff but over the past couple of months, he's said that any response I have to his ignoring and belittling me is my fault...he's acted like he does not know or care about me at all. He's starting going out all the time too which isn't typical for him.

Anyways, I don't want to be mean to him. The only reason I am mean is because of how hurt/rejected/abandoned I feel. I want to be nice so badly - if for no other reason than to be the bigger person - but I can't get past the abandonment. All of this to say, he's asked for no contact. I've asked for the same in the recent past, but I caved when I needed to go to the ER after getting an infection following the abortion (I haven't told anybody else about it). 

All of this to say, do you all have any advice/insight on how to NOT contact someone? 

My tendency when ignored is to blow up his phone. I've blocked his number but that only does so much since it's very easy to undo. I've also tried writing down what I want to say, but lately that has just gotten me more riled up. Today I offered him 35% custody (more than we've ever discussed) and he didn't respond to my text, and then when I spoke with him in person he was angry with me for interrupting his time with our son. I thought he would be thrilled. I'm trying to work on my codependent stuff, it's just really hard when I don't have any sort of backup plan as it concerns childcare. 