something i wrote late at night months ago, trying to figure out myself. also i saw a psych and now i’m diagnosed with bipolar and bpd but hey maybe someone can relate or not just thought to post.:

bipolar. i’m bipolar? but it feels like everyone has been ignoring it since i was diagnosed. and i was diagnosed months ago. but it really does suck. i feel like i can’t have any genuine emotion and all “happiness” is just mania. but i’m scared, it feels great to be alive. truly alive, or at least it feels like in the moment. it feels great to be able to talk to people and to get out of bed. it feels great to get ready and enjoy the day. but when will this end? is this even real. have i ever felt alive? and if so when??? because in days i will be depressed again, laying in my bed doing absolutely nothing for days straight. everyone will annoy me and i will simply not care anymore. nobody understands, i get that i’m a human just like everyone else but i clearly think differently. and i feel differently. because i am different, and we all are different. it’s hard for me to know who i am, what i am interested in, or what makes me myself. how do i get people to like me? because i obviously am not building new relationships with others when i don’t even talk to anybody, but yet it feels as if i’m too much when i open up. i’m inconsistent too- which is given. but i’ll be interested in one thing and not care about it later. or i’ll be talking to someone and then not know how to even say a word to them the next. that doesn’t mean i don’t like you still, but i’m sure it means you are starting to dislike me or move on. i don’t know how to stay happy. i dropped my therapist to get a new one, but my new therapist is telling me i don’t even have bipolar but that i have bpd instead. and that makes me question why i would continue to talk to her considering the fact she is trying to diagnose me with something completely different than what i already have when she just met me over the phone. she talked to me for 20 minutes before telling me that i have bpd instead of bipolar, and her reasoning: it’s better to have bpd rather than bipolar because it can go away and bipolar can’t. so she is trying to get me to do dbt for a year for my “bpd” when i don’t even know if i have it. i mean she can’t even diagnose me. she’s a therapist not a psychiatrist.