he was trying, but I pushed him away, and now he doesn't want to try anymore. I'm crazy and I hate it. I hate that I can't be a normal human for more than a day. I carry so much pain with me all the time its unbearable. the anxiety makes me depressed, im so tired so I stay in bed all day which causes more anxiety and frustration. he is way better than me. he does not feel sorry for me he says because I do not help myself. he's right. I try, and fail. I think everything will change, but nothing ever does. I feel horrible. and now I might lose him, again. I can't do it. I can't go through this again. losing him was the worst pain I felt, and its happening again. he always leaves... I don't want to be a person. I don't know what my purpose is. I feel really alone. I live 3 hours away from my family and have no real friends. I meet people and they are fake. they say everything happens for a reason and that in the end everything will work out, but honestly I know people who lived a very shitty life until they died. who is to say that won't happen to me. I may never find love because I am so fucked up. I might not have a special person made for me like I always dreamed of.. fuck