Hi, I'm new to reddit - but I wanted to join after seeing this side of it and seeing everyone elses experiences. I've been feeling extremely lost over the past week.

Over the past five or so years - I had a group of best friends that I absolutely loved and cared for deeply, but it seems like no matter how much love, care, compassion, praise or validation I recieved from them - I was still always paranoid, lonesome and it was just never enough to fill that enormous gap in my broken heart. It resulted in me being very abusive - such as isolating my friends, being heavily competitive to prove my worth, engaging in highly risky behavior, self harming, being manipulative, pushing boundaries, being severely clingy, being possessive, being obsessive, being territorial whenever they wanted to make new friends or talked highly of others, being suicidal and scaring my friends in order to get an emotional reaction - because I felt as if I didn't even exist anymore unless people showed some kind or care or concern for me. They tried their best to make me get therapy and get help, but I was too wrapped up in my own paranoid delusions and trauma to open up or really get anywhere, and CBT wasn't the best as I was constantly reopening trauma. Now, I'm in DBT - and things seem to be slowly (but surely) progressing and I can see myself finally making some progress!

I've switched my personalities around people so much, that in the end - I'm stuck here not knowing really who I am, what I want, who I truly want to be or what I really need out of my relationships in life. I always want love, validation and comfort - but I also just crave the company of others, even if we just solely sit in silence and enjoy the moment as it is. I crave to know what a healthy, non-smothering relationship is like. I crave to know what real, true love feels like. I crave to know what true empathy is like - as even though I can be highly empathetic and feel sad for someone, sometimes my empathy is little, turns off or I'm not able to properly empathize in a way that I make things about me instead. I want to know what it's like to not be hypersexual in my relationships, making friends or family uncomfortable with me or me projecting this without realizing my behavior. I was groomed and molested as a child, up until my teenage years - and so I use certain things (like RP) to rework through that trauma, see what "healthy" relationships are like, see what consent is like, see what falling in love with someone is like. Even with my ex boyfriend, I was in love - but quickly fell out of it in the devaluation phase, and began to push him away when splitting or having severe mood swings. He also attempted to pressure me into sex, which made me react in a very apathetic, distant way when he visited. 

Sometimes, my symptoms can be psychotic, which is when it's the worst for me. I have hallucinations, paranoid delusions, feel like someone is constantly watching me, that people are waiting for me to fail or off myself, that people are going to come for me or my family, and my identity becomes highly disturbed and highly broken. It's cost me even preforming well in University. I was a straight A and B student, had a 3.6 GPA - and last semester I failed a majority of my classes, due to having severe depression and psychotic episodes. It didn't help that what triggered it all off, was my grandfather dying - and SEEING him die in the hospital, right in front of me, for almost an entire day. Followed by another family member dying after that not too long after. I pretended that I was fine, but really - I had multiple breakdowns and horrific nightmares that cost me sleep. I stopped self caring and started self-sabotaging extremely hard. 

I just want to know what I can do to change. At this point, I had to leave social media behind (for at least a while) due to friends coming out about my behavior - and while I'm taking responsibility and not trying to victimize myself anymore, it was scary and highly nerve wracking to be made aware of all my behaviors. I feel like a psychopath, knowing I hurt people I really did love and care for. I tried to explain to them time and time again, but in the end - they took it as me being purposefully abusive.

What can I do...?