I just got diagnosed a couple months ago, and I’ve for the most part kept it very close to my chest because honestly I find this diagnosis beyond embarrassing. It just feels... taboo. And gross. And bad. I don’t know. I was recommended treatment plans but my therapist has been on maternal leave for months now and still is not back. 

Anyways, mid-January I met a guy who I felt just clicked with me so incredibly well and I got attached really quickly. I was under the impression he had as well, as he told me things like he was falling for me, could see a future with me, he loved me, and even took care of me when I got a concussion. We had a ridiculous amount of similarities and opinions, even joked that we shared my one brain cell. We spent a lot of time together in a short span. 

Today he tells me (over text) he is not ready for anything serious. And I have not felt this broken or useless in such a long time. I’ve been clean from cutting for a couple months now but I got so dangerously close that I had to call a friend and hang around her place and have her watch me because I really just wanted to so badly. I’m thankful I’m pretty self aware, and good at preventing things but I have not felt that strong of an urge in a while. 

He was one of 2 people that knew about my diagnosis and I just feel really embarrassed. Abandoned. Hurt. I don’t even know. I wish it never happened. I really hate how high the fucking highs are, because the lows are equally drastic. I feel like I can’t even tell if he felt this way already but I’m so fucking beyond oblivious and in a high spot that I don’t care, and I choose to ignore it. 

There’s no other way to describe how I feel besides abandoned. No one really wants me. I feel like a burden to my friend who watched me tonight. I’m so entertaining at first, and then it’s just too much. I’m just a temporary pleasure. No one actually wants this for a lifetime. I don’t even want this for a lifetime. 

Some words of affirmation would be really nice right now.