I am empty, thats what I feel everyday. I don't remember a single thing from my childhood and I am only 17, my memory is almost blank.

Throughout my life I have found out that depression have several stages of depression. 

I think my first stage was self pity, at the next stage I was jealous of everyone around me. Next stage I started to blame them. It was only at the last stage that I realised that it's only my fault my choices my actions and my fuckups, I think it was at this stage that the empty feeling started.

I have had the thought of suicide for a couple years now, I have even planned it out so that my family thinks that my death would be an accident. Just the fact that I know how I can disappear is a relif.

When I finally hit rock bottom had gathered my thoughts about killing myself, I relised that until now have I even tried to live better? I was there thinking that I literally have control of my own life why don't I try and seek happiness.

I needed a change is what i thought to myself 

I mean I want to make a change but how, the key that I found out is to be productive. I saw a video on youtube a guy playing the piano. I went to the piano in the living room covered in dust and started to learn. It all came together when I started playing piano.

I know for a fact that I would have killed myself by now if I didn't start playing piano. It feelt good to try to make a change, but I know now I'm just putting the inevitable on hold. 

I always try to find something to hold on to, I want something to stop my mind from wandering. At 15 I started smoking I wanted the feeling of an addiction to have something constant but eventually even the feeling I got from smoking faded.

I started working out, altough i have to much social anxiety to go to a gym with my skinny ass body. Home workout it is. I do push ups everyday I can do 100 no problem now, the feeling of working out is good. But my motivation always drop on certain days, but I still force myself to some day maybe feel happy.

In the end I feel like all my actions this far is pointless i have realised that my life is insignificant and worthless, I don't ever really think I'll get over this feeling of emptyness but I know for certain I'm not killing myself until I now for sure there is no hope. I'll end this here.......