Last night, I (24F) said some things that really hurt my bf (24M) during another extreme episode of rage...

I'm going through some fucked up things with his little brother (21M) that lives with us, involving intense psychological manipulation, violence, &amp; behaving in a sexually predatory manner towards me. I've had a lot of sexual trauma my whole life &amp; of course, that was the tipping point. He's also extremely disrespectful to my bf &amp; uses him a lot. 

I've not said much to his brother for about 3 weeks now because I am trying to keep myself neutral &amp; keep my fear/anxiety in check until we move out. 

I felt that my bf kept changing his position on the matter &amp; I was equally as angry that I felt he was being passive about things. I tried my best to convey that I just needed him to be proactive about keeping him in his place about exposing himself &amp; manipulating him to do things for him, while simultaneously disrespecting him &amp; degrading his character. 


My therapist &amp; I have been recently discussing possible Borderline Personality Disorder &amp; from what I have learned recently, it fits me so perfectly... every experience I hear or read about is so closely mirroring my life that it scares me.

If this is the case, I "disassociated" from my body &amp; my anger flowed out, hurting my bf.

Multiple times a day I float away from myself, which makes it incredibly hard to think, communicate clearly, &amp; calm down after being upset. I lose my temper about *everything*. It's completely humiliating once I come to &amp; I usually don't apologize for my words or actions because I feel so concrete in my beliefs when I'm that upset...

I feel like I should just kill myself... that no matter how hard I try or how nice I feel I am, I still seem to destroy relationships regularly &amp; within a year of it developing.  I'm extremely isolated, no friends in a new state &amp; I'm terrified of connecting to anyone again. I also have installed a lock on my door since his little brother tried to hit me, so when I'm not struggling through school during the day, I'm locked in my room until I'm sure he's asleep or away from home. (He consistently gets angry that he "can't just come in the room whenever", which really disturbs me).

I just need someone out there to know what's happening to me... I feel trapped in my head &amp; that I'm going insane. I feel my mental health slipping further &amp; further away from me every year &amp; I'm terrified. 
I just want to die... I hate myself. I hate my existence. And even more than that, I hate seeing how much I can hurt my bf &amp; not even realize it.

TL;DR 
I feel like killing myself because my rage pulled me out of my body again &amp; I hurt my bf really badly... and I'm really hoping BPD is my answer so I can get some intensive help.

Thanks for reading...