I have a whole story I could give for my background and justification for why I feel the way I do. It's long and no one really cares. Being said, I first tried to kms when I was 10. It was more for show I think, but the intent was there. Fast forward to 16 and Im using around 40mgs of hydro/percs a day. Lose myself slowly. Cheat on years long GF w/ one of her friends. Drop out of College first semester. Had withdrawals, anxiety, depression, and that good ole suicidal ideation. (It's usually just carbon monoxide poisoning I go to.) Go to 1st rehab at 18. Get out and go harder on drugs. From 19 -24 I went down a dark path of opiate addiction. Roxie's daily, multiple, around 150-180 mgs. Put guns in my mouth a couple times a year. More rehabs scattered throughout. Fentanyl for the first time at 22, and I loved it. Eventually doing a little over a gpd 2 on good days. If you don't know fentanyl is usually sold by the 1/10th of a g. It's just odd I survived the amount. I overdosed multiple times per week but never died. I got sober after 1 year at Shutter Island (rehab), and enjoyed sobriety a while. Forging a new path. Then reality struck around the end of 2 years sober. Just how much I'd fucked my life up, how far behind from my peers I am. The damage I did would return to me, still does, things I saw or did. They usually hit me at night or morning. I ran through flings and hook ups then my grandfather died and I moved back home. Reconnected with a middle school lover and high school friend. I was smitten the first night, with intentions of staying friends, not messing that up. Ha. I fall in love. We start dating. My flaws create problems. Instead of moving in together we break up. I put a gun to my head that night. In a field with a star-lit sky over me and a clear lake to my right. I squeezed the gun firmly and tighter then tighter. All the while my finger was barely holding the trigger. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Now I wake missing her still every morning. Dream of her. Fill journals with letters I want to send her and words I want to say, for her to know. I have panic attacks as I try to coach myself into letting go of her and us. Sometimes I actually scream no instinctively. But something inside me feels it's being ripped or torn. Then it tells me to just die and I go down that dark road. Panic attacks anger ensues as I have half of me saying no while the other half screams all the ways I could. All the reasons I should. All the faults I have. The hope I don't. And that the one girl I seem to have no control over my feelings for and I have endless memories of doesn't want me. I can't let go of her, I can't make myself stop hoping one day.. maybe.. telling myself a fairytale that doesn't exist. It's so cliche but I really feel dead and empty without her. I'm tired of fighting all the time. I'd give everything up if I could live sharing the love we shared during our time.