About two months ago I started a new job as a part of the management team. I’m making good money and I really enjoy my job, my staff and the culture of the company. 

We had a work event on Friday after work where about 40 of us went to a local bar. This is an unofficial work event they do every year and one of the executives pays for all drinks so people tend to get pretty excited about it. I didn’t eat anything before I went, and all of us immediately started drinking pretty heavily. Several people came up to me to say they were glad I was there and to compare me to the more uptight person who was in the position before me. I felt really good about it like hey, this is great - they like me more than they liked her! 

As is usual for me, I immediately latched onto that and felt really great that everyone seemed to really like me. This is typical behavior for me because of low self esteem. I had also gotten work related praise earlier in the day. Of course because people kept saying how I was fun/less uptight, I decided to drink more than I had originally intended (knowing that alcohol can be a problem for me, part of the impulsiveness that is common for those of us with BPD). Several people got me shots, and I was drinking beer and mixed drinks as well. I know I was loud and a bit rowdy during that period of the night - until about 9pm or so. Everyone seemed to be having a great time and I still felt like this part was relatively ok. Over the top but bearable. I should’ve just gone home then. 

However, I ended up inviting myself along with another small group to go to another bar. In my drunk state this made sense to me but I realized soon after that these people were already very close friends so it was weird for me to go. Of course I also was hammered and continued to drink so I ended up blurting out a lot of embarrassing stuff like how I knew two of them had had an affair, one of the others was recently divorced and I had the hots for one of the managers employees. I think honestly I felt weird about having invited myself along and wanted to try to be “part of the group” by being funny. But I said this all in a pretty embarrassing and crass way. I was also just generally loud and obnoxious.

After a few hours at that bar we ended up spitting off and I ended up at a third bar with another person from work. I continued to drink until we closed the place down. I have no idea what I said to him during that time. I know I told him I thought he was cute and asked a lot of personal questions about his divorce. I’m sure I was inappropriately flirtatious with him because that’s always one of the ways I act out impulsively as well. I use flirting and sex as a way to feel validated. 

I’m absolutely mortified. I’m too new at this company to make this kind of scene and as someone at my level in management I should have never gotten to this point in front of work people anyway. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I’m just terrified of what’s going to happen. Part of me thinks I might just get a few jokes from people but nothing serious will happen because this is a big party for them every year but part of me is worried that my behavior with the smaller group at the second bar was obnoxious enough that things will be said to others and it’ll get to my boss who is a VP or the other executives. I’m a bit worried about my flirtatiousness with the third coworker, but less so because it was just the two of us and it wouldn’t exactly look great on him that he entertained that flirtatiousness with me for a few hours so I kinda doubt he’ll say anything to anyone. 

I’m so mad at myself for continuously ending up in the same type of situations over and over. I was so obsessed with being “cool” and not being seen as uptight that I went way overboard and embarrassed myself completely. I also used office gossip to try to be funny but I know it just came off as obnoxious, and then I was flirty with a coworker - all of this because in my drunk state I thought I was making these people like me but what I really did was be disrespectful and embarrassing and inappropriate. I’ve been scared and anxious all weekend of what’s going to happen to me on Monday. This self sabotage cycle is so incredibly frustrated. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy and money investing in my education and my career so far and I’d hate to think this permanently ruined my reputation. 

I’m posting this in this subreddit specifically because I feel like my inability to control myself is related to my BPD - especially when I’m trying to fit myself into a new group or I have my inhibitions lowered with alcohol. I always end up feeling like an idiot and like everyone hates me. Can anyone else relate to this? 