I’m worried my current thoughts and actions are opening the floodgates to full blown stalking. 26[F]

I do this thing sometimes.

I meet someone, usually during a professional situation. We get on fine, nothing outside the ordinary happens. But afterwards, I search for any and everything about them online, short of paying for a background check, though I’ve heavily considered it. I waste a lot of time wondering how they spend their nights and weekends, what their not-internet life looks like, how many people they’ve slept with. This of course goes full speed ahead into obsessing over them. I know where they live, their parent’s names, what they drive, their middle names, their birthdays! I imagine developing close friendships with them and I’m a little embarrassed to admit but most of the time I just  think about hundreds (not exaggerating) of ways for them to fuck me.

It’s becoming a pattern more recently, in the sexual regard. My make-believe friendships leave without much thought after a few days or they end up acting as supporting cast in my other daydreams.

#1 is a coworker, we don’t see each other often. It was a solid year if not more of daily daydreams about them. I got to the point where I would subtly find ways for us to work together. They live in an area I drive right through getting home. There are multiple ways to get from my job site to my apartment and for ~ 8 months I only take the way that they probably would also take and cross my fingers that I’ll see them. We’ve crossed paths, which only fuels the desire to continue on days when I try to convince myself to take fucking Third Ave South instead. The sex dreams are crazy. All sorts of situational things that lead us to sex, some dark things like car accidents pushing us close or a good ole on-the-clock closet bang and everything in between. I imagine their personality and build up a repertoire that then gets in the way of real life experiences because my creepy ass acts like we’ve known each other forever! Which we have. In my head. 

I love thinking about it. Or can I just not stop? Do I want to stop?

#2 whom I met about a month ago, has almost fully removed #1 from my freaky pedestal. Again, coworkers. Interact weekly and already have a better real life “relationship” (lol we say hi to each other) then with #1. From my internet sleuthing, I learned their family owns a local restaurant. I have patronized once since this discovery. I shamefully fantasize about how they would tragically lose their family in an accident and inherit the place, with me there to help give it new life. Don’t worry, I’m fucking cringing too. Ugh and their supervisor is supporting cast and the two of them spitroast me in their local bar’s bathroom on occasion. Just in case I haven’t been clear: this takes place only in my thoughts and has never happened. Side bar: I would love for it to happen but I don’t have the social skills to put it in their heads that I’m trying to get Eiffel towered at The Alibi. Also i wouldn’t want the implication to backfire and affect my job.

#3 is today, hours ago in fact, which is also when the “Three Is A Pattern!!!!” lightbulb illuminated. I did the Google background check immediately and will probably do what I can to increase our chances of speaking or catching glances. I tried to write this one off because we flirted a decent amount but I still feel dirty and like it. Already imagined us banging in the closet, they’re so tall so the logistics will require some further reimagining.

#1, 2 and 3 are all men and I’m a lesbian. I have been in one serious relationship with a man before but hindsight is 20/20 it was definitely not a romantic love. I can’t imagine myself dating these people I fantasize about. I try to imagine telling my boss or my family I’m dating them and I don’t like what I assume they would think about our relationship/the person. I don’t want to marry them, I want a close friendship and to also get hardcore smacked in the face and fucked in the ass by them. I would also like these things with women but I don’t get as hooked on fantasies with them. Total speculation but I’m a lot more comfortable with women and feel very realistic about my desire to eventually marry one. I don’t want to rule a sexual identity crisis out despite these facts.

Daydreaming all day or fantasizing about things that did or could happen is not something foreign to me. I’ve had quite a few fantasies in the past that were sexually charged as well. This is not a new behavior, the honing in on one person and learning everything about them is new. Obsessing about someone I barely know is new. I think about stopping but I kind of don’t want to.

Probably doesn’t need to be said but to cover all bases: I’m not currently dating. Not a bar person or a nighttime person or a people person so I would honestly only consider apps and I don’t want to put in the work for that when I can  daydream my time away. No sex with others but frequently with myself. How could I not, my panties are soaked by the end of the work day from the constant thoughts of chokeholds and rimjobs and sneaky server room makeouts mucking up my brain.

I acknowledge this behavior and can see why it’s maybe not healthy. My self awareness is mostly to blame for my confusion. I can see it’s happening but I need to know if it’s a red flag or a sign of something to come that’s worse. Or if it’s normal and I just need to get some sexual energy out? Has anyone done or felt something similar?

Should I find a professional to help me work through this? Am I way overthinking this?

TL/DR: single gay lady has over a years’ worth hardcore sex daydreams and mentally plays out weird (mostly) sexual scenarios involving male coworkers after Internet stalking them and frequenting (one of the multiple mens’) family’s restaurant just for a slight glimpse of him. I’m not overtly obvious in my “obsession,” I keep my distance and don’t assert myself when in their presence to talk to them. I keep it very professional and casual in person, while imagining them balls deep in my brain. It is consuming my thoughts all day, everyday. Is it normal/weird/a phase/the start of full blown stalking?