TW: mentions of suicide/ self harm/ hallucinations 

im seeing the school counsellor but i literally dont know what to say. so much has happened since i last saw her. the last time i saw her, it was before spring break and i was extremely suicidal. like, i even planned everything out. i thought about death everyday. 

during spring break, i was like a completely different person. i stopped doing things that i was enjoying doing before and then i stopped being suicidal. 

rn ive only thought about death in a sort of “joking” manner. like ill say it in my head but not out loud. and you’d think that i would be getting better right? wrong. i would have a short temper and lash out at anything and everything. 

i once was sick and i couldnt breathe out of my right nostril so i punched my face. long story short, i had a bruise on the right side of my face. then i would hit the sides of my head. again, i would get bruises and headaches. that was around the time my derealisation and depersonalisation got really bad (not worse cus ive had worse). i didnt think i was real, i would dissociate, i would cry and beg for everything to be over. then it did. it stopped. for about a week cus if it had stopped for good i wouldnt be writing this.

so, it stopped. great good! right? nope. it started again after a couple days maybe a week. but with that, it came with my new bestie, jared, my auditory/ visual hallucination! we first met when he whispered hello and then my name really clearly! then he started to breathe on my neck ( especially at night). he then decided to be a bitch and show up in the corners of my eyes, and give me a lot of paranoia because i didnt want to see my family’s face in case they were different people! hes scares me at night cus he knows that i would laugh if he did something in the morning. hes a bitch. 

anyways atm, i have little to no energy to do anything. the phone im writing on rn is so heavy. i cant even stand without collapsing. i cant eat, i cant piss, i cant drink, i cant walk down the stairs (i get too out of breath that it takes me so long to go back upstairs. so yeah, i guess im doing amazing. oh and derealisation and depersonalisation are still here and probably not leaving in a bit.