This is a bit of a vent/ramble so forgive me but this is been bothering me lately. 

At the beginning the few friends I had talked to me all the time about anything really, and it was mostly fun, but the last few months all the emotional things and struggles has taken a toll on all of us. To the point where even having a normal conversation about non-serious things or trying to be funny doesn't feel the same anymore. 

I've learned the harsh way that no one can handle my true self. So I've come to hold a lot of me back for others sake. The problem is in doing so I feel nothing when I talk to people. I feel no joy. No happiness. My face may be smiling but inside I feel not a thing. Everything I say or do feels meaningless. 

It feels like I'm just acting so they can see me as a human being too and feel comfortable with me. No one has ever saw me for who I really am or liked me for who I really am. They always project their own things onto me and I really hate that. I'm either pitied and looked down on or seen as a monster, and with my fear of this it doesn't help at all. 

I haven't talked to any of my friends for a few months now. They never reach out to me first either, replies from them are limited. I want to talk like when we first did, and have fun like we used to. At the same time though, I'm scared to talk to anyone ever again. I don't want to let anyone close to me anymore because they always see me as a pity project or they take advantage of me. I don't think they feel the same though. I always see them talking to their other friends and having fun together. 

I just want to be normal and have a fun, small close group to talk to, play videogames and be silly together. I want to be seen as a human being who has gone through a lot but is no different than anyone else. We can talk of serious things but it doesn't change how I'm seen. I just want to learn how to function normally and have what everyone else has.