Hi again everyone. I am not a regular on this forum but I've come back to post after another BPD "episode". 

Long story short, my boyfriend went to go have knee surgery, and we had been in touch but not a whole lot the past week, and his lack of initiating contact has been a recurring issue, plus there had been a great deal of work stress I hadn't been able to share with him and I barely knew what was going on in his life (he's often very busy with work), so I'd been feeling more lonely and agitated than usual. 

Even though I KNEW he was probably consumed with his surgery, the only thing I could think about was how our relationship was "deteriorating" from his lack of pursuit/interest, and that I should ask him if he wants to break up as soon as it's respectful to do so. 

Thankfully, I didn't call or text him about this, and waited. He later called me, said the things I wanted to hear without me prompting him, and told me all about his arduous surgery and current pain (he is apparently immune to opiates). I'm now feeling 100% better after we talked even though it wasn't for very long. I do crave connection.

So here he is, dealing with more awful stuff than I can imagine, and all the while I was thinking about how he wasn't thinking about ME. I am generally a kind and giving person, but these bouts of self-absorption (co-mingled with self-loathing, apathy, &amp; depression) makes me think that BPD can make me almost narcissistic for a time being. I am glad my bf knows nothing about what I was thinking while he was going through all that. I feel like I could be an asshole. 

Does anyone else look back on their episodes and hardly recognize that version of themselves back there because it's not at all like their generous, content, motivated version when everything's ok? 