There are definitely some days that are better than others. I have BPD and I’m a bottler. I bottle everything up until the top blows off. I never received the validation I needed as a child and sometimes now it seems as though I overcompensate. There will be days I keep to myself and other days that I know people are thinking, “shut up!”  I always seem to spill my guts to people that don’t care and I try not to ask for attention that I know I won’t receive.  But that doesn’t stop my emotions when the top comes off. 

Recently I discovered I was sick. Like too much bad stuff in my body and there are some serious negative effects. The plan?  An entire lifestyle change. I am now eating Gluten Free, Dairy Free and even cutting out red meat. Living with my family makes this so much harder. I can’t eat anything they make.  I can’t share things like milk or cereal. I’ve had to clean out my cupboard and start from the ground up. And you know what?  It’s been F*****g tough. I had a major meltdown today because I couldn’t fit my Dairy-Free cheese in the fridge and I didn’t have any more space in my cupboard for anything beyond essentials (flour, sugar, tea, honey, coconut oil, etc.). I literally just lost my s**t.  

Did it get me what I wanted?  No.
Did it help anyone understand what I’m dealing with?  No.  
Did it make it any easier?  Slightly.  My mom made some extra room for me. 

Everything I buy is planned out for the week.  Even if I wanted to share, I would only hurt myself. I won’t lie, every 2 hours I feel like I’m hungry again.  I have to make all of my own meals.  Coworkers tell me it looks like I eat bird food...Damn, I hope this gets easier.