I know I posted a while back about getting a lead on a job that was going to treat me well and be cool with me if I ran into psych issues again and have some bad news I guess.  After telling me that they were for sure going to hire me, I waited two months, patiently, to find out a few days ago that they had decided not to hire me after I had jumped through all of their hoops.  It crushed me, and ive been struggling to deal with things since.  My relationship with my family is hard because I have this impressive education and cant do anything with it because when I got it I hadnt known my brain was going to fall apart and make me so scared of other people.  

To make it worse, it seems like my meds aren't doing their job as well and Im getting distracted by the things in my peripherals more often than I have been.  Idk if its the stress, the disappointment, the pressure, or what.  But im struggling.  I hate this and no one in my family understands it.  I dont even understand it.  I dont even believe that im schizophrenic a lot of the time because I dont have the common "hearing voices." trope.  Im all messed up inside and dont feel like I know myself anymore.  I have to question everything, because I believe nothing, and I cant just explain that feeling to anyone because my family wont get it, and the few other sz friends I have are probably tired of me bitching about.  Im sorry for venting, I know people dont really like everything being bad news but fuck.. 

I feel so alone.  I dont know what to do anymore.  I feel like a failure