I was a relatively happy kid, subject to ignorant bliss to the world around me and how shit it truly is for the most part. I was given just about everything I’ve ever wanted throughout my childhood and yet I remained humble. Despite all that, my wake up call came when I was 13 and a group of people who I had thought were my friends ended up betraying and cyber bullying me. This sent me into a downward spiral that left me paranoid and in a state of shock and confusion for well over 2 1/2 months, which in turn led to mental scarring and emotional trauma after I recovered from the minor amnesia I had over the incident once it was over. It was bad to the extent that my mind tried to repress the memories of it. Even though I have never been diagnosed with PTSD I’m certain that I have it. That whole summer me and my family camped at one place often for a full week give or take. Now I avoid that place by any means necessary. We camped there once since then and despite it only being for the weekend, I was always constantly on the verge of having a panic attack because everything around me just reminded me of that awful situation.

I was bullied for most of my life. I was a very hyperactive kid and for that reason I was always the outcast. After the aforementioned situation I dealt with I developed major trust issues and became much more anxious when meeting new people. I was able to finally make new friends eventually but even then it took 6 months for them to fully earn my trust. I am also adopted. Since the moment my biological mother found out she was pregnant with me, she didn’t want me. She was 20 at the time and forced me to be born by breaking her water by force. During her pregnancy she smoked weed often. I have no birth defects from this (somehow, thankfully) but the fact of the matter is that she could’ve killed me. My adoptive mother has bipolar and makes my life a living hell and I recently had an online friend betray me talking shit behind my back so I guess we’ve come full circle in that regard. The only person I have in my life that keeps me going is my dad. He seems to be the only person that truly gives a fuck about me.

The girl I tried to love ended up rejecting me, despite our close relationship with one another. I don’t blame her for not being interested but it still hurts. This was 3 years ago. I haven’t looked for love since. I just don’t care anymore. I try to talk to her occasionally but I know I must move on. It’s just very difficult for me to do so. We’re still friends but unfortunately it’ll never be anything more I’m afraid. So I’m kinda in a bad way atm. My mom is making my life hell and I have to relive my past trauma of being humiliated and lied to by someone who I thought was my friend. I’m angry frustrated and confused. I know it’s not my fault and it’s out of my control but what I don’t understand is why I’m forced to live life this way. What did I do to deserve this treatment from everyone around me? Am I really that unbearable that I don’t deserve happiness in this life I’ve been living? I just want to feel loved, by friends and family. I just want to be able to have someone who loves me for who I am. I’m tired of being the outlier. An outcast. The side character to my own life