I'm not sure why I'm making this post, other than to get my feelings out there. Like a journal entry, I guess. 

I started a new job in a hospital setting that I've been working toward for a while now. Went into a program for sleep studies. It wasn't a life long dream or anything, but more of a "I need money and the program tuition isn't that expensive". My reasons for going through with this new phase in my life were practical. I had been grieving the loss of my fiance for a few years, and was jobless during that time. I thought I was ready to work. I had to be ready, since I wasted so much time doing nothing. 

I thought I could handle working with patients, but the anxiety is killing me. I should have backed out of the program when I had the chance, but I thought I didn't have a choice. I thought that if I gave up now, I'd disappoint everyone.  I had to do something with my life besides wallow in grief and allowing my anxiety issues to take over. Now it's so much worse because I feel as if I've trapped myself into a situation I can't escape. My anxiety makes me want to escape, and I feel horrible about myself because I know other people would be able to handle this. I'm always left exhausted and totally bewildered that I can't seem to do what comes so easily to everyone else. I've spoken to a professional about my issues and was prescribed antidepressants, so I'm trying to help myself. I just want to run away from it all. 

I'm sorry for the long rant. Maybe others here will identify with my struggle. Thank you for reading.