I grew up with my sister physically abusing me and over all treating me very poorly. She would constantly be hitting me, and it hurt! I kept telling her that it hurt and that she needed to stop, but she always said I was being dramatic and needed to get over it. She finally stopped hitting me when I moved out at 18. 

I have a lot of trauma, and that which bothers me the most has been done onto me by my sister and my father. Because of all this I have BPD, DID, and CPTSD. I also struggle with other mental health problems that come with those things. Last week, I was in crisis and went to the ER. In the height of my emotions that night, I wrote a letter/poem. This piece of writing ended up perfectly encompassing what I went through and how it affects me to this day. 

I shared this poem with all my family members, including my sister. We talked on the phone about it today. 

The whole conversation was just full of gaslighting and invalidation. She told me that just because the way she treated me was the exact definition of physical abuse doesn't mean that she was physically abusive, and I need to take her feelings into consideration before making claims like that. She also told me I don't have any of the signs of someone who's been abused. When I brought up the fact that I have PTSD, she said I "get PTSD from everything" because I have BPD. 

She really leaned heavy on the fact that I have BPD, and used it against me. Saying stuff like I cant trust my experiences because my BPD alters them. Everyone around me doesn't think I was abused and I only think I was because I have BPD. I'm only traumatized because I have BPD and that made me experience things incorrectly. Any time I express my feelings I'm just being dramatic, and everyone around me doesn't take me seriously because I have BPD. 

She claimed that she has no memory of being violent towards me, and that it's not in her character to abuse someone. She said that I was more physically violent than she was (I have never been a violent person, not an agressive one), and she came up with this story about how I hit her and threatened to beat her to death (never happened). 

She told me that if anything I had to say mattered, I wouldn't have thought of it when I was in crisis. She also said I shouldnt write things like this about people and instead I should talk to them and try to express myself calmly. When I reminded her that I have gone to her and my father several times independently, and even took them to therapy several times, and they always brushed it aside, she said I need to take their perspectives into account. 

She said that I really hurt her by calling her abusive, and she doesn't understand how I could think she doesn't care about me after everything shes sacrificed for me. I'm don't know what she's talking about in regards to those sacrifices. 

During this conversation I pretty much turned my emotions off, I never validated how she was feeling. I did apologize for being physically violent, even though I know that never happened. I wish I didn't apologize, I wish I stood my ground more. I wish I yelled at her. It's a good thing I didn't I suppose. 

After sharing this poem with her, I never got an apology, I never got any validation. Why would I?