I really just need to vent right now.

My BPD had been in check for the past few years but the pandemic situation and unfortunate events made it go out again and I'm really tired. I lost any FPs I had and I've been really lonely. I have a few friends but they are "beer" friends, there is no deep connection like I wish there was with them, they're still nice and cool but don't bring an emotional support on the table. And I try to not bother them with my emotions too much, as therapy a few years ago made me understand, it's not a good idea to overwhelm people who are unable to help you with that.  


Thing is , I got a breakup with someone I loved a lot right after the quarantine, 5 months ago, and been thinking about it everyday since.   
I'm alone 6days/7 and I don't even really talk to people online so I'm really alone with my thoughts 24/7 like I wasn't pre-pandemic.  
I followed therapy before and found a balance but the pandemic destroyed the well oiled cogs I took years to service.  


And now I've mostly been online dating in the search of some intimacy to balance things but all the date I went with were 99% terrible. Except this most recent date where I felt (and the other person too) a strong connection, except she had her brain fucked up by a 7 year long relationship and a bunch of shitty hookups after that. So even if the date was great she was like "wow I like you a lot, it's really cool to make out and you'd be a perfect lover but idk why my intuition is telling me to leave and never talk to you again, idk maybe" (it's litteraly what I've been told mid-date after makingout topless with that person.  


I'm tired , I'm lonely and after 5 years of controlling my BPD it's starting to come out again and I'm struggling to find a therapist who has an interest in BPD in the new city I live in and I'm so fucking tired and feel really lonely it's terrible and jesus christ I just need an honest hug or some recomforting words idk I hate the fact that I feel like I'm going to snap again soon. I know what it feels like and I don't want to live that again.