I commented somewhere awhile ago that I'd elaborate on the way I seemingly suck men in with little to no effort, so here goes. 

I mostly just write these things to help myself process my thoughts, so please bare with me if I ramble or get off topic a bit. 

Time for more borderline confessions I suppose. 
I will use my current FP/BF as my leading example. 

I knew I wanted him. And I knew what he wanted. 
So I became that. This seems to be how all of my relationships start. 

This guy has known me for 6 years, and yet he still gravitated towards the carefully crafted show I put on for him. 

I want to be clear though, before I get backlash. This is not something I do intentionally, and up until recently it was yet another behavior that I was highly unaware of. This doesn't make my actions excusable, however it is important to note that it isn't done with malicious intent. Which is honestly kind of scary to me. 

I think maybe it's a defense mechanism. The thought process goes like this. I assume (know) that my real self will be rejected. So I must become who they want, in order for them to want me, because how could anyone ever truly want the real me. Whoever she may be. 

I knew he wanted someone financially stable. Emotionally stable. Intelligent. Funny. Pretty. Etc. 

I quickly noted that he had low confidence. So of course I showered him with compliments. I catered to him. Bought him things. Showed him endless love and affection. Etc etc. 

I knew that I wanted him before I left my husband. I knew that I would have him, long before the thought of a relationship was anywhere near a thought in his mind. 

This is always how it goes. When I'm single I always have one FP, that I know I must acquire. However, this can be a long process. Especially if they're the type who doesn't jump into a relationship. So I satisfy my need for attention and companionship by having just "P's" just. Persons. 

A handful or two of beta males who will shower me with attention and such, without me having to sleep with them. 

I'm not sure if it's a borderline thing, but I can't orgasm from one night stand type of deals, or flimsy relationships. I have to have a deep emotional connection. So the other men are just there to fill gaps until I've secures my FP. 

Luckily my BF has known me for so long, because once the honeymoon phase was over and I defaulted to old patterns, he was still accepting and loving, and has been very supportive throughout my healing process. 

The point though is, that these things that I do, seem effortless and natural to me. I don't have to try. I just do. I just know how to behave to appeal to them. 

Well. It's late and ill probably add to this later, but for now I'm going to sleep on my thoughts. Any feedback is appreciated. 



