Lately I've noticed that it feels almost impossible to meditate. Mindfulness, slowing heart rate, plain relaxing is all difficult. That is when I see the distinction between deprrssion and anxiety. On the surface, I probably come off as very depressed. And sure, there may definitely be aspects of deoression going on. It reminds me of a quote I paraphrase from R.D. Laing that insanity is a natural adjustment to an insane world. 

I was just thinking tonight, with one triggering incident in life after another seemingly like a small murder (acts of unkindness, disregard, isolation etc) reminding me that from an evolutionary perspective associated with being outcast of a social group as a sign of sure death that...maybe anxiety is a coping mechanism.

I don't know. As heartbreaking as it is people don't realize that to kill someone's anxiety, you also kill the person. Especially when that anxiety has become the person, so much so that what is being felt internally is too much to even be put into words.

When I'm depressed I see it as a reaction to my anxiety, the anxiety of my life situation or lot in life or whatever to call it. When I think of how helpless I am to change that, it only makes things worse. I imagine this is isn't an uncommon experience in many humans.

All I'm left wondering is: when anxiety gets to where one closes off social contact altogether and stops relating to other humans or caring about others and even to an extent no longer caring about themself -- where I'm at now --- it seems as if the line between anxiety and depression blurs. It might well be that anxiety and deoression or opposites on a single continuum and that continuum is a defense mechanism our psyche has in place in response to trauma and triggers and the mmany notes life offers.

I'm sure my anxiety is telling me something. Other than of course how much life sucks and I can't do anything about it. And I'm sure my depression might be more than just lamenting at how helpless I am. Maybe I'll figure it out.