After 4 years 3 months 26 days, 2 applications, 2 rejections, 4 appeal denials, 2 hearings in front of a judge.... I am finally legally officially disabled due to BPD.

I am feeling so many things all at once. I'm relieved that it's finally over. I'm relieved that I'll be getting some financial assistance and won't have to rely on my parents so much. But I'm afraid because I'm on a registered list. There is a lot of documentation about me. I'm anxious because  even though I now have paperwork proving that I am disabled, it's a goddamn invisible disease and no one understands how bad it is. I'm anxious because this doesn't resolve the problem I have answering the "What do you do?" question when meeting new people. Or talking to acquaintances. Or even Facebook friends. I'm worried that it's official, no one in their right mind would want to be in a relationship with someone certifiably crazy and I will be alone forever.

I'm super paranoid and anxious about the government. During the whole complicated bureaucratic mess of a process, I kept worrying. Because of assholes working the system, the people who really need help are screwed by the long complicated ways. If you really are disabled enough to need help THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN DO THIS ON YOUR OWN. If it wasn't for my parents and therapist and doctor, I wouldn't have had success. It seems like a test. If you can find all the appropriate forms, and fill out all the forms correctly, and get all your ducks in a row - you're obviously not disabled, because even full functioning "contributing to society" normal people find this process impossible. I've been so paranoid that they're going to accuse me of faking it, or not being as bad off as my paperwork says. That they'll have people following me like they do people on workman's comp, and they'll observe my good days and say, "See, she isn't a miserable heap of shit. Let's sue her for all the assistance she's received and throw her in jail."

I feel like shit for getting help, but I feel like shit for being a leech on friends and family. So many people around me rail at the social services the government gives out, and anyone who is on food stamps or MedicAid or SocSec disability is a lazy leech. I'm so afraid of people finding out.