I recently, as of this week, made the decision to end my long-term relationship with my boyfriend. We didn't end on bad terms, and we both agreed it would be best in order to prevent any toxicity from forming or leaving one of us unhappy at the expense of the other's happiness. In the end, we need two completely different things. He wants to be polyamorous, and because of my insecurities and lengthy history of jealousy, I knew that anything outside of monogamy would not work well for me. We are both firm in these values and it would be unfair to ask the other to conform/comply when it would ultimately lead them to be unhappy. 

This reality is really hard for me to accept. I've had so many terrible boyfriends and past FPs, but he genuinely was one of the good ones. It hurts because I really did love him and I felt unconditionally loved by him. No matter what I did, how annoyed I made him, how hurtful I may have been, he never loved me any less for it, and never entertained the thought of leaving me because I was too much for him. When I felt bad about myself, he would say "Who do I love?", and I would reply with "me", and then he would follow up with "And why do I love you?", and I would tell him "because I'm me." 

I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish there was some way we could have worked around it. Sometimes I consider bargaining and putting my own suffering on the line just so I can continue to love and feel loved by him. We both know that we will never really stop loving each other because of our lengthy history, even before our relationship started, but this doesn't make it hurt any less and honestly maybe more. I got to experience him the right way but I feel like I wasn't given enough time. I saw a foreseeable future with him, one that we both wanted to build together, not one that is idealistic and fueled by infatuation. Knowing that we will never stop loving each other hurts the most because I don't know if I'll ever be able to love him in that same way again. I can only hope that at some point later in our lives, we will round back around to each other again, just like we did this year, and we pick up where we left off. It's selfish to hope for that because I know that will likely mean that he failed in trying to be content/satisfied with polyamory. 

There was no winning for either of us in this situation. This is ultimately the choice that had and needed to be made so neither of us would suffer while the other prospered. But all in all, it is really hard for me to come to terms with this right now because I wanted him to be my forever and believed it was genuinely possible for both of us to achieve. We agreed to still be friends because neither of us can stand the idea of losing the other again (as we had fallen out for \~2 years before our relationship started, having known each other for a couple of years before that falling out). I don't want to lose him at all because he is one of the few people I know who will be a consistent line of support for me, romantically involved or not. It's not going to be easy to put my feelings for him to the side because of how deeply I felt them. I guess the whole point I'm getting to is: is there any suggestions for how I can cope with this and accept reality instead of resisting it?