I wasn't sure where else to post this, as I'm not even really sure what I'm going to post. I guess, some stuff for clarity: I have always been a thin person, not like a bean pole, kind of more athletic whilst still being definitely thin? I am also of unsure terms about gender. I am definitely a woman (female? girl?) but don't feel any connection to being womanly.

I have never been the 100% female stereotype, but have on occasion worn dresses, applied a bit of makeup, and had long hair the majority of my childhood and teenage years. However, I look fairly androgenous, and just seem to float around somewhere between tomboy, and no defined identity (Hello, BPD). 

When I reached my twenties I started to dress for myself. If I didn't feel comfortable wearing something, I just didn't, no matter the occasion. I much much prefer 'baggy' clothes nowadays, shirts especially. They aren't grotty or ugly looking baggy clothes (the kind you picture when I say 'baggy') just not form-fitting at all. 

I've also always struggled to come to terms with my weight, and my identity as a woman. My whole life I've heard people revere being 'thin' as something desirable, and now I am terrified of gaining weight at all, and will sometimes starve myself or binge and purge. 

I am also extremely uncomfortable whenever someone brings up my 'womanliness', I hate being referred to as anything of the female persuasion, I hate thinking of myself as a girl, or woman, or female. One time I wore a red hoodie to therapy and a person commented on how red was such a lovely, feminine, powerful colour for me. I was uncomfortable and said as much, but they persisted, saying "Well, you *are* a woman, so what does it matter?" 

So my birthday was a few days ago, and my dad had ordered a present but it only arrived today. It was a shirt he'd got printed specially for me. As soon as I opened it I noticed how small it was. He said, "I got a small, so I hope you haven't put on any weight since I ordered it!" It was a joke, I'm not upset about it. 

What I did get upset about was that he ordered something that would be form-fitting. He was so excited and happy it finally arrived, and proudly said "It came all the way from Germany!" 
I thanked him, the shirt is cool looking, and I love that he took the time and effort to get something personalised with something I love. 

I went upstairs to try it on and I sat with it on my lap for ten minutes just staring at it. I knew it would hug, and be tight and close and restricting just looking at it. When I finally put it on I looked in the mirror and just started sobbing. I looked horrendously big in it, yet simultaneously it highlighted what an ugly shape my torso is. My torso is long, and I only get shirts that are slightly longer than usual to compensate. 

I feel disgusting and horrible that I would be such a worthless child, when all my dad wanted to do was get me a nice present. I feel so ungrateful and stupid that I should be so upset over something so small. (Haha) Why can't I just wear the damn shirt and be fine?