This is gonna be another one of those long posts that’ll get maybe five views and two comments, but I don’t know how much I care. It’s not like I have many people in real life anyway (especially at 1 in the morning where I am right now), so might as well just put it all out here where someone might see all of it.

I’m a first-year college student in the U.S. and I just transferred to a new school for this semester because I liked the location more. Dorms were all full when I applied, so I moved into an apartment nearby with a roommate who I don’t really think likes me all that much. I kinda get the vibe that she’d prefer to keep things as a “peaceful coexistence” rather than any sort of friendship.

To put it lightly, making friends has also been rough. I have a couple (read: like four, i counted) people who I knew before, but half of them are in different states and everyone has their own life so it’s not a perfect solution. I’m not someone who’s super confident socially, so when I reach out to try and connect with someone it can be pretty nerve-wracking. Unfortunately, it feels like every time I reach out it just doesn’t go well or it only lasts a couple of days.

One example of this happened a couple of weeks ago, at my school’s athletic complex. I was at the climbing wall trying to meet people, and I met this group of three guys who I hung with for the night while we were all there. I was making good conversation and all that, and it felt like it was going super well so I asked for their Snapchats. One of them never added me back, one of them I haven’t reached out to, and I messaged the last person once and realized this evening that he unfriended me at some point so my message went unread. That stung.

The mountains have really been my happy place since I learned to ski a few seasons ago. There’s no place like it and, as someone who doesn’t feel like they belong anywhere, it’s the closest thing I’ve got to a place I could call home. But enough exposition. Last week I asked a lift operator for her Snapchat and (to my surprise) she gave it to me. However, it got to the point where I felt like I was carrying the conversation because I was initiating everything, she’d only reply like once or twice a day, and she’d only follow-up once among other things. So today I ran into her at the resort and waved, and she reacted as I would have to someone I’d never seen before. At that point I decided to just give up on it, because, while I’m lonely and therefore more than willing to pull the weight of two in a friendship, the rejection really set in and I couldn’t make up reasons for why I wasn’t being appreciated.

Finally, I went to a bar with a friend of mine (someone I knew previously) the other night and I was actually feeling super good when I got there, but that feeling soon faded after it hit me how alone I am and how I feel I don’t fit in. It’s like everyone my age who I see has a social circle, and then I’m just…there.

As a result, I’m starting to feel discouraged from trying to reach out because it almost never works out and I can save myself the sadness and disappointment. It’s the same reason why I never post polls or Q&amp;A’s on social media. Regardless of what I tell myself, trying to engage someone always gets my hopes up that they’ll engage back and I usually end up feeling let down. At this point I’m probably a few more rejections away from just giving up and isolating myself because it’s not worth trying.

Things have kind of sucked for as long as I can remember (traumatic childhood, abuse, molestation, family instability) and I’ve been passively suicidal for the past two years straight. It’s gotten slightly worse at times but tonight I really thought about it. I started drafting the letter and thinking about how I could do it, and I went for a walk to clear my head and (after some nicotine) I still didn’t feel great, but I didn’t feel unsafe anymore. I decided to reevaluate my plan of getting drunk because I just didn’t feel like it (and I have class in the morning anyway) and I didn’t feel the need to do it anymore, but I’m really losing here. I feel like there’s only so much more of this life I can take. I wish I was one of those “lone wolf” types (assuming they exist) who doesn’t need people, but that’s not who I am. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, because everyone tells me “it gets better” and I tried to believe it, but I just can’t anymore because things have gotten worse or stayed the same for so long. I mean having hope would be nice, but I’m just running out of things to feel hopeful about. I don’t know what to do and I’m at the point where I’m really starting to care if things get better, and instead just wanting to be done.