This could be a rant but as a very anxious (enneagram type 6) person, I feel like 90% of my life has been driven by anxiety. Because of that, I am always subconsciously thinking of possible worst case scenarios while handling everyday tasks and already thinking about next steps to take if It actually happens (w/o even realizing it sometimes). A lot of times this includes intrusive thoughts. And this happened a lot especially when I took a “gap year” and purposely tried to not do much and just “relax”. 

Yes, I know it’s a privilege to be able to do all this and even just the reflecting in itself. But I’m just so sick and tired of feeling like I’m being productive when in fact I’m not and just wasting my time when I look back which makes me feel like a failure. I can’t help but think I didn’t actually improve that much and maybe I was lying to myself by creating this false reality. I also constantly feel like I am going through this cycle non stop for as long as I can remember. And I’m just so sick of it and I will admit, I’m just super desperate for a solution now which is why I’m here. 

Just to give a bit more context, I did choose to wing it and take this gap year half way across the country to really work on myself and emphasize in self-improvement. So maybe I was adjusting a lot more than I thought I was? Regardless, now I’m beginning to think... does relaxing not necessarily mean I’m not doing much, in fact, it may mean that I am doing more things than just what I consider “not much”, but just not overwhelming myself with an overload of responsibilities?

Any insights would greatly help. Thanks. 

Tldr; I don’t know how to relax or if I am truly relaxed when I think I am in the moment. Any idea what it means to actually relax when your intentions are to do so?