I only have an high school diploma. I had to drop out of university just months before graduation, because I couldn't afford it any longer and was to depressed to even get out of the bed. Where I live, you're nothing without a degree or a qualification in some profession. I was nothing. I've always been the loser of my family. 

I spent the next three years working as a tutor and therefore being dependent on unemployment pay. I was poor, and wasn't even allowed to choose where I lived. I ended up in a house full of addicts and criminals. I lost my job. One night, my neighbor was killed, probably while I was standing right in front of her door, trying to find out where those weird noises came from. I pleased the job office to let me move, but they declined. I was desperate, thinking the only way out was jumping from my balcony. Instead I called my sister who lived in another part of the country and stayed at her place for two weeks. 
I had to go back, feeling scared and depressed. That's when I met a guy and moved in with him three days later. 

I found a new job, just a small one. Two months later, thy doubled my salary. Another month later, they offered me a full-time job. It wasn't paid well, but I was finally able to support myself. Half a year later, I switched to another department and got a pay raise. Two years later, I got more responsibility and another raise. Then the company was sold, and almost all of us were fired.
Luckily, I found a new job only days before unemployment. They even paied way more than my old company. 

Even though I was financially stable, I started to feel depressed, because I actually hated what I was doing. I was good, but I wished I never knew all those things. 

After almost three years, they had to make some cuts, and I was chosen to leave the department. Luckily, they installed some new department for all those people and gave them a chance to qualify for something else. I said I want to write, and asked to be sent to marketing. They offered to pay an online training for me, which would end with a diploma. I agreed and found something I liked. 

It was horrible. The professors were rubbish, the books were full of mistakes. I read about half a chapter, took part in three zoom lessons, not learning anything new. 

I just stopped. Forgot about it. Left the company. From time to time, I'd remember, but I was too anxious to ask if I could take the exam. Last year, I finally did, sent the email with a pounding heart and sweaty palms.. They said, I have time until the end of March to take the exam. Again, I forgot and got too anxious to try. 

So, on March 29th I remembered and asked if it was too late. I was so scared to even ask. They said, I had two days left, and offered to take the exam on the 31th. I agreed. 

I studied for two or three hours, in the end, I was totally overwhelmed and nervous. I've never been good at exams. I studied for another two hours right before I started the exam. I was confident. But there were so many questions which requires a lot of typing, and even though I'm a fast typer, I lost so much time. And there were so many questions, I couldn't answer. I tried. 

When time was up, I was a mess and was convinced, I failed. Everyday, I checked my mais for the results, hoping that I had at least 50%. Today, I got the results. I haven't checked my mails, because I'm ill and forgot, but there it is: 93 fucking percent!!! 

I can't believe it. I am 40, and I finally have some kind of diploma. It was so hard to get here. All those years of never having enough money to pay the rent or food. I can't believe, I've come this far. I tend to give up so easy, but somehow I'm still here and I've got a job I don't hate. I can support myself. 

I've been in a dark place for the last few days. I can't believe I've come this far. Never give up. I might not be exactly where I want to be, I might hate my current boss. Work might be boring. But I'm writing. I'm here. I'm not a failure anymore. I'm so proud right now.