I know I’ve never been very resilient. And I know I’m the only one who can make this better. That terrifies me. and maybe that means I have to believe in myself for the first time in my life when I never ever have before. I’m crying writing this (half- crying because of all the meds)

I have this feeling and voice in my head that tells me it’s not possible and that it’s too late for me to live a healthy, happy life. But I know feelings and thought are not facts.

I know I can’t think or analyze my way out of this. I know the only way out is through. And I’m so terrified to be hurt again, like I was as a kid, by being vulnerable and open to life. I’ve been shut down emotionally for many years...  

I need to change. I’m so scared. But I don’t want any more regret. I don’t want to escape anymore. It’s killing me to stay this way. I need to change.

I can’t be that little kid anymore crying and screaming in my room at night because no one validated or emotionally supported them. Or knew how. I need to move on and grow..

I’m so scared.