I'm somehow isolating myself. All the voices in my head don't sound like strangers or even my own inner narrative. They sound like my loved ones, my family, my favorite people. They all say terrible things about me or conspire against me. Look even in the moment my brain knows logically it makes no sense. 

I still can't react like it isn't, impulse control has gone out the window, now I'm frantically searching for evidence my brain with accept and finally stop talking. Every. Day. I need my meds. The guilt is just piling on, and it's taking me down. It's so heavy... And I feel so invalid and like I should somehow be stronger and be able to control myself and or keep it together. The few people I have left do everything they can to understand, but I can tell that they're starting to look at me differently.

It's taken a hold of my life. My friends are exhausted, I've traumatized my fiance and I can't find a way to fix it. I'm losing the only important thing I have left and I'm so desperate to keep my head above water. How do you cope with hearing things you know no one would say, but still hear and start to believe... How do you make the logical part of your brain convince the other half that everything is fine and even if we hear things that there's nothing to be paranoid about. I can't relate to anyone, I can't help anyone conceptualize what I'm going through, it feels like the world is ending...I'm drowning please anyone... How do I self-soothe enough to be ok until I get my meds and have taken them long enough to stabilize.... I just want to live and be happy...