Depression sucks, I think most would agree with that. 

I’ve been depressed for so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to not be. I question whether I’m actually depressed or if this is it, pain and suffering with blips of energy that quickly fade when faced with reality.

I usually say I don’t believe in a higher power, religion, divinity, etc… I’m actually terrified of eternity. Imagine not knowing what feeling good is like, I don’t want to feel like this for eternity. It’s one of the reasons I’m still alive, the fear that what comes after might be the same or worse.

I’m going through a massive slump in what is already my depressed life—my wife took me out for dinner (which I was excited about) only to tell me that she is moving out.

I know that this is the phase of hopelessness and suffering, and that it’s temporary; however, knowing and feeling are not the same. I’ve spent my life leaning on the know to survive the feel but this time it’s different. My energy is depleted, I don’t feel like enduring my life is worth it. I’m so hopeless that I feel condemned for eternity if there is such a thing.

Death is not enough for the relief of life if there is eternal suffering and pain waiting   for me.

This is not a cry for help, I can’t be helped. Writing this only helped me put into words what I’ve been ruminating on for the past 24 hours.

Thank you, good night.