I'm having a breakdown and I feel like my life is falling apart. Everything is happening so fast and yet I feel stuck in time. I want to run but I want to stay. I feel like my life is just a series of contradictory ideas and decisions. I don't know how I've ever made my mind up about anything. One minute I feel like I am confident to move on and that I am just over reacting. The next I am an ugly she beast. It's a miracle that I have gone as far as I have. Why live if I was doomed a long time ago?

It's exhausting. I don't know how to process ANYTHING anymore. Something bad happens and I go through the stages of grief and then I flip flop between riotous flames of content at the situation to panic about it to hope that it will all work out and around again in all the patterns possible.


How do you stop the ominous ticking in the back of your mind telling you you're running out of time? How do you cope with the fact that you are alone and scared and trapped into metaphysical cages built of roadblocks to the answers? Roadblocks like lack of money. Lack of motivation. Fear of being wrong or fake or unintelligent?

My cat, bless her needy soul, is the only thing keeping me from completely losing my cool. I am her world and she's the only living thing that has ever loved me unconditionally. The day I give up on her is the day I am really dead. I don't want to do anything to separate us. But I feel like every time something bad happens in my life I spend a lot of time thinking about her dying someday and how sad I will feel but also how I might feel free to let myself go too.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for the rant. I'm sure no one will ever read this but I wanted to cast it into the world because I don't have any one to listen.