Sorry if this is kinda disjointed and rambly.

I'm a high school dropout, though not really by choice (I got out of residential care and then turned 18 while I was still figuring out how to handle school, I didn't realize that you're a dropout if you're gone for 2+ weeks when you're over 18 until it was too late). But now.. I'm doing much better since I moved in with my girlfriend. I struggle a lot, still, but I've made huge progress in taking care of myself (I usually bathe at least every other day and eat something). When my girlfriend was asking me to come on a trip with her and her friend, I was even able to push myself to go! I isolated more than I should have, but still, I'm off all of my meds right now, so this is all a huge deal for me.

But the school year is gonna be starting up again, and I don't know what to do. My girlfriend is pushing *hard* for me to go back, which I understand.. But I really don't feel ready. Even with the progress I've made, I'm struggling a lot in some pretty basic areas (At least, more than someone should struggle). I've crashed and burned so many times in school, I don't think I could handle fucking it up again. I *do* want to get my diploma, but I truly can't see myself doing anything other than self-destructing if I try to tackle this right now.

Still, my girlfriend won't stop pushing. I told her that I really don't feel ready, but then she got upset and started crying. I felt terrible, and in the end I agreed to go back and have been pretending that I'm okay with it, even though that little suicidal ideation mosquito in my ear has been notched up to 10 ever since our chat (I have no intention of telling her that, obviously, it'd just stress her out needlessly). She really believes in me and wants to help, and she's so supportive and sweet.. I just don't think *I'll* be able to do what I need to in order to succeed. And by succeed, I mean not have another breakdown and end up hospitalized again.

I know I'm being more than a little defeatist here, but I'm stressed to hell and don't know what to do. I'm not even seeing a therapist right now (We're gonna be finding one, though), and I'm completely unprepared to handle this. I'm not stable or ready enough, but if I say that I'm worried I'll ruin things with my girlfriend. I'm already a huge burden on her, and I don't want to fuck her life over more than I already have.

EDIT: I'm sorry, I think I'm being a spoiled brat here. I'm not sure anymore, I can't think clearly right now. I'm sorry.