i have bipolar 1 and most of my mental struggle is related to mania, psychosis, and paranoia. even if i was depressed, i had emotions, lots of them. i cried, had full-blown hysteria, was worried about something, tried to change everything.
half year ago, i had a mixed episode and ended up in a psych ward for 3 months, restarted my meds and it induced a mild rapid cycling which gave me unemotional kind of lows. i would lay in my bed in the hospital without saying a word for several days, then i would have a few days of chaos, and then days in silence again. this roller coaster was fading away as the meds were building up in my body.
over some months, as my symptoms were becoming less severe, i started losing interest in anything. i no longer have any strong emotions, even though i’m unhappy; and no longer want to change anything about my life, even though i don’t like it.
i feel lonely but i’m not interested in people, everyone sounds boring to me and i zone out during conversation thinking about something else. i stopped talking to the friends that made my brain cells work, i rarely pick up the phone if someone calls me, and the peak of my socialization is small talks with the 3 people i live with.
i don’t enjoy reading books anymore, can’t focus on movies. i don’t watch porn and masturbate without any emotions just because my body needs it but my brain no longer actually enjoys it.
i’m not even suicidal but if a huge piano was falling on me from the top of a building, i wouldn’t move away.
but it wasn’t always like this, and i want my life back, i want to have feelings again, ideas, interests.
i’m tired of that slow dragging black and white movie i’m living in but i don’t know where to get any sort of motivation or inspiration.
please, anyone tell me there’s a way out of that hell