like its so dumb that im depressed and i k ow all the methods of green thoughts red thoughts and little things like walks but honestly its so dumb that i have to do these things while so many people do nothing and are just normal. like am i going to have to be hypervigilant of my behaviour and thoughts my whole life from now on?? 

also i dont fucking deserve this body or this life. i wish i could give my life to someone else worthy. i have everything anyone could want. a reasonbly functional human body and a spot in university. all i would haveto so is study but why cant i??

i cut myself for the first time in years in the hopes of motivation. i dont know what to do at this point. some days i just sleep. i live a miserable life and its pathetic. i can barely do my dishes and my room is a mess. 

my roommate is the only reason i eat food some days. or stay awake. some days im alone i just sleep constantly. it sucks. why cant i study?

why cant i function? i used to love learning. i used to go to the library to read maths books of subjects i hadnt had yet for fun. i used to ace all my classes. im just a shell of who i used to be. even then i was depressed, just a different kind.

i used to manage by cutting. although i did get some studying done today. maybe i should start cutting again. anything to study like i used to. maybe i should take amphetamines. i want to have good grades. i want to graduate. 

i just want to die. why cant i do anything anymore. i used to be an extravert. im just nothing now.