My biggest trigger is feeling lonely. It is worse than any other feeling. I know it’s also related to PTSD. I was racially bullied and left without friends throughout much of my childhood. My best friend throughout my childhood would hit me and call me an idiot, and when I would try to protect my face, she would tell me that she wouldn’t hit me and I would trust her and take my hands away - and she would hit me anyways. 

By fifth grade I was intentionally sabotaging my social life by acting in a very annoying way around peers. I think in my mind having them dislike a fake version of myself would be better than them disliking the real me. 

I had stopped putting on a show in middle school, but the couple of friends I had made in fifth grade quickly left me and I was alone and isolated once again. I couldn’t have a birthday party because I had no one to invite. My parents were emotionally neglectful to me and my sister, and got divorced around this time. I know I carry this feeling of loneliness and betrayal with me into my adulthood.

I’m 20 now. As an adult, the fear of being alone, and even worse, being rejected is so strong that I will push my friends and other people away, just so that they cannot leave me first. I recently moved to a new city and had to go to mental rehab after becoming extremely depressed and impulsive. I recently discharged from the intensive therapy. I met some friends there, one of which is a guy who I have developed romantic feelings for. I used to see them every day. Being separated from them, I’ve felt very lonely all the time. Which is normal, but it was quelled while I was in therapy and seeing them daily. They are my only friends here. The only person I physically speak to now is my mom, who I am dependent on. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. I am very reserved around people I don’t know and I’m not charismatic. I have very few close friends, and they all live on the other side of the country. My sister, who has severe depression, was throwing a dinner party last week and goes to hang out with friends and to parties and to events with her girlfriend. I’ve realized how abnormal my life is for a 20 year old. I just cry about it daily, I cry for my abnormality, I cry for the feeling of everyone in my life hanging on by a thread that I can’t control. I know I have to accept where I’m at right now, but what is my life? I almost blocked my therapy friends today because I feel so lonely and I have such a fear that they will drift out of my life that I would rather do it myself. I’m triggered even by the guy I like not responding to my texts for hours when I know he has seen them. I’m trying to turn myself towards acceptance of what I can’t control. I’ve decided not to text him first anymore because it’s too triggering. It feels like I’m reaching out into the void. I also have very poor understanding of social boundaries and how much of texting someone or talking to someone is creepy or uncomfortable. I also have too much boundaries around people in person to the point of isolating myself even when around others. It’s like I have social deficiency in that part of interaction. I oftentimes sabotage my social life and yet I don’t want to stop because the pain of being genuinely rejected and then being alone is even worse than the pain of general chronic loneliness. And logically I know this isn’t all a distortion, because I have been much more alone throughout my life than most people and continue to have very little connection to others. I know that I need to use DBT skills to handle this. I know what I need to do and I’m not necessarily looking for advice, and I just needed to rant to someone somewhere so I can get it out of my head and I can move on to trying to fix this and become healthier.