My life has been going down in the past two years.  My life wasnt Sun shine before but it got worse . The first really experience with depression Was when my mother got in to Hospital because of her mental health   it striked me like a thunder because it aired from one day to another and i just didnt realised what Was up with her  she was telling wierd Storys and how everything and eveyone wanted to harm us  .She was paranoid thinking everybody was planning something against her and more stuff like that. Later i found out that that was also the reason why my parents got trough an kinda ugly divorce, i mean it was not like they were trying to take me apart from the other one but the Twist between both of them and how they reacted to each other was fucking hard for a kid that was maybe 11 at that time . I also later found out that this Kind of schitzophrenia and depression problems were a long time thing in my family which leaded to the first realy experience with death as my grandpa hung himself in the clinic only.   some hours after we visit him. After all that stuff i Was caught du in an endless circle of over thinking the World im living in , questioning reality and having thoughts that nobody would care about me and that i would be a burden which was ine if the reasons why i never talked about that Kind of stuff. I mean , it was a long process but it kinda went better over the time., but then it got worse again when i was changing school.  My grades droped, i had zero idea how to talk to people and was insecure to do anithyng,  after time i found some people that i consider  my friends i mean they are realy nice to me and i like them but even they are mocking me in a way that annoys me because they know im not going to fight back and i feel like they are crossing a friendly line. Still im kinda some how like the class wierdo because im insecure and always have. I had a little bit of experience with bullying before but if im honest it wasnt that much that it burned in to my life but some how it still affected me . Some how relating to the stress i developed during the last time due to bad grades i also developed a tinitus which is fucking me up . I also had to deal with some Kind of addiction which kinda knocked me out but since i mostly beated it thats not a big deal anymore .Since last summer i have to Deal with social anxiety  which maked my daily school life even harder , i have breathing atacks , start sweating cant say a stright thing with out losing words and nearly crying because i cant escape the situation. It got better some time but now its just as worse again and making everything to a living hell.  Some times i Look at other people and their lifes and then im jalous for what they have,  most of them didnt have to go to So much things i had go through and thats why its so easy for them to Master everything,  daily life,  social interacting,  school carier and using their time as good as they can. They will have a good life , a happy family,  a good Job and every thing that you can need . At this time im some how sure that i will die alone in this world which i cant even truely understand yet. I changed in the last two years from a half way normal kid living his life to a looser and failure like me  . I dont say that im not having any foult about the fact that i never surched for help but i just got to a point where i dont know where to start and where to end which is also why i writing this stupid lobg text . I mostly do this to get it off of my chest , theres only one person in my life that i told about this stuff before because i consider him as the best and by best i mean für best friend i have but i cant rely on him when ever i got a new Kind of problem even if he had to deal with some things himself thats just not the answer.different then me he has his life at least a little bit together and is some how doing pretty Well,  im glad that i can talk to him but some times,  ya know i think about that i could exactly be that person that he is right now even with the problems we faced . It feels good to write that stuff down for once to get a view over the past to years .