my social anxiety and depression hit its peak about two years ago. i moved back in with my mom and was also struggling with an eating disorder. i was very underweight and living off 400 calories a day for months until i snapped and started binge eating. (i developed ED in hopes that i would feel prettier because i hated my face. it wasnt really about my body. but then when i got underweight i realized my face was still ugly.) i had a new job at the time but as soon as i started binge eating i stopped showing up at my job because i felt fat and disgusting. lost my job obviously

then i started feeling too hideous to even go outside anymore. i stopped talking to everyone. (i barely talked to people before that anyways.) i gained all my weight back, not overweight i think but not skinny anymore. not that it even matters because id feel ugly and fat no matter what.

then i started playing a video game that i used to play as a kid. i was having a lot of fun with it actually. it’s a grindy game, so i could waste away every day on it and feel ‘productive’, and i made a couple good friends. it used to be fun. 

i havent gone outside except to the store or to briefly see family for over 2 years and only hung out with 1 irl friend once this entire time but the 1 time i did i had a panic attack and had to leave. im scared to talk to people irl because i feel so fucking ugly, i hate my face so much and i genuinely believe that i am the ugliest person on earth. no exaggeration. i could write a list of how there is something imperfect with everything about me. every body part and every inch of my skin there’s something messed up about it. 

i have been living alone for the past couple months because of some family stuff, and because no one had been checking in on me i started drinking every night. it was fun at first but then it started triggering my episodes, i would lash out on my gamer friends over the dumbest stuff, and i would block my 2 closest friends constantly if i felt like they werent paying enough attention to me but we’d always end up friends again. i would casually talk about wanting to kill myself a lot, and it made me feel manipulative but i was honestly hoping someone would tell me they cared but no one ever did. like legit, if i dropped off the face of the earth i dont think anyone would notice and that makes me angry, but at the same time i get it because i would hate me too. 

i started sexting this super hot guy i met on the game a few months ago and he was lying to me about being in love with me and staying with me forever etc and then he ghosted me and that sent me down another spiral so i started drinking all day every day. i got drunk one night and sent him an essay about how much i loved him and then i sent him my fucking address telling him to come fuck me. it was so cringe and i felt so bad afterwards for putting him in that situation, we ended up deciding to be friends afterwards but i dont trust him and still kind of hate him. 

i met another guy on the game most recently, and we would talk on the phone a lot and game together and it was a fun time because it seemed for a while that he liked me more than i liked him. for a month he was basically the only person who messaged me consistently. i wouldve been really lonely if he wasnt there. my other friends were not reliable or clingy enough. we would fall asleep together on discord call and stay on the phone for most of the day. he seemed actually nice because he never asked for nudes like the other guy. but then he stopped talking to me as much and stopped calling as much, and when i withdrew myself hoping he would come begging for me it didnt work. i would go off on him a lot about being an asshole and a liar, because he knew i had bpd and would always tell me he wasnt going to leave me but i could tell he was about to leave. the last time we talked, i was drunk and mad at him because he hadnt been talking to me as much and wouldnt invite me to play with him and his friends like he used to, and he just dismissed everything i said with “you’re drunk” and he called me toxic. 

that hurt me and then i deleted literally everyone on my discord friendlist, left every server i was in, and changed my settings so only friends could message me. about a week ago i got scammed for half my bank in the game, and then the other day i staked the rest of my bank and lost, so now i have literally no money/gear left in the game so i stopped logging in after i blocked everyone on discord. this may not seem like a big deal but it really is, its the grindiest game ever and that bank took me 2 years to accumulate.

i blocked everyone because i wanted to kill myself and didnt want to be tricked into thinking people care about me, even though i know no one does. messages distract me if i care about the person and i needed to have someone talking to me enough to distract me from wanting to kill myself. i needed the game to distract me from killing myself and now i cant even play the game anymore without hating myself. i realized that maybe i should remove myself from these distractions so i can finally kill myself. it doesnt seem like im ever going to be a functioning person and that depresses me. i know im never going to be pretty and im never going to find a guy who likes me as much as i like him. i dont want to be a burden on my mom anymore. i feel worthless and toxic and i know im a horrible friend but i just wanted to feel like people cared about me. 

so thats why i blocked everyone, i really felt on the edge at the time, felt like my time on earth was over because i have absolutely no one left who i can pretend cares about me. mom doesnt count, i literally hate everything about my life and hate my family and hate most things. it got to the point where i couldnt even bother getting out of bed unless im drinking. i just lay around all day and think about how i should kill myself. i miss my friends but i know they dont miss me. i wish someone could hold me and i dream about being a kid again almost every night. i dont know what to do. 

i wish i had a job and didnt care about being ugly and didnt have panic attacks every time i go in public. i wish i could stand up for more than 10 minutes without feeling like passing out. there is so much wrong with me. i have no friends