Over the last couple of years or so it is fair to say that I (46M) have more downs than ups and I have not experienced any form of 'normality' for some time. I had a very traumatic experience with covid and suffered the very sudden loss of my Mother not too long after. I also have the pressure of dealing with an alcoholic partner who is abusive and on occasion physically violent on top of that. As a child I was suffering at the hands of an abusive Step Father and a Mother who refused to see it. The one thing that does spur me on is the fact that I have a wonderful, kind and intelligent Son who has put up with so much shit that I am in awe of his coping skills. 

I honestly thought I had this beat a few months ago but then the darkness started to creep back in. I started being reckless, shutting myself off from those who care about me and treating the same people poorly. I don't mean to isolate myself and ignore people but it just gets harder to face those people which in turn creates crippling anxiety and guilt, I feel sick in my stomach a lot of the time and the thought of facing these demons creates more anxiety. I don't sleep properly, eat properly and I am far too quick to hit the drink. I worry I will end up pushing away those who are closest to me permanently as I am certain that to those people I appear aloof and disinterested. Some days I am literally a zombie, I feel like I'm stood still with everything going on around me separate to my own existence, I honestly have no idea how I make it through some days. 

I have no idea why I'm writing this but I feel that perhaps getting my thoughts down could be cathartic and perhaps there may be somebody out there who can relate. My fear is that I can feel that I am getting toward my end point, a point which I am unable to function or continue with life anymore as my existence is just too painful and dark. As I said in the beginning, I have an amazing son who is everything to me and I love him so much but I'm getting to the point of no return, it terrifies me what I could put him through. I recognise I need help but it is hard to get help right now in terms of professionals. 

Thanks for listening.