I'm really angry at my boyfriend because he threatened suicide one week ago and sent me pictures of the edge he was gonna jump off from... sent me pictures of the darkness, of the abyss, with captions such as "I should end it all, one step and it's over, that's where I belong, in this darkness, tell me why I shouldn't do it, everyone is better off without me". I contacted his sister to help me help him. My mother, his mother, his friends, his sister and I are all teaming up to try to get him help. He refuses because he won't accept the "superiority" of someone else in his field (he's a psychologist, but not clinical, thankfully).

After this incident, I ended up being a mess. I felt awful. I couldn't deal with the idea of him dying. I couldn't deal with the responsibility of his death, of being the last person he attempted to contact before his supposed suicide as if it was my job to stop him. Next day I scheduled an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. He advised me to not see my boyfriend again at least for three weeks since I need to stabilize myself. 

I told him I could keep seeing my boyfriend. I said I wouldn't leave him alone in his time of need. But I'm the one cleaning up his whole mess and I've already got my own life and my own disorders to deal with. I cannot make myself responsible for someone else. I cannot. I'm so angry because I got so unstable that my parents are keeping a close eye on me because they don't trust me even though I have done nothing wrong and I feel like a criminal on probation while he gets to live his life as if nothing ever happened with everyone loving him and being there for him and trying to help him! And I feel so jealous and so lonely. 

Whenever I tried to talk to him, he would immediately start a self depreciating speech. Such as: "Oh, you're right, I suck as a boyfriend, you wouldn't feel this way if I were a good boyfriend." And of course this is not constructive! But I feel guilty - "maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about this situation" - and back off.

But since I'm still upset and I'm not able to discuss it, then I just end up repressing it... and my brain starts painting him black because his behavior is hurting me...  and I end up splitting and trying to find every single reason that sustains the fact that he does not love me, does not care about me, is only using me... and then I can't control myself and tell him so. "You don't care about me, I won't take the initiative about anything in this relationship anymore, I'm so tired, I feel so lonely,..." This level of split is something I've never done before. I can usually self control a lot.

But I'm so pissed, so hurt, that I just cannot. I'm basically pleading him to feel important and I hate myself for being so pathetic. 

Maybe it's valid for me to feel angry at him for dumping all his suicidal ideations on me as if they were my responsibility and for refusing help, but I'm certainly not being able to deal with it in a healthy way and maybe my psychiatrist was right. 

Ugh.