About 4 weeks ago I tried to kill myself, I really wanted to fucking die, and I had enough. Three days later I met with my college counselor, and I told her about the attempt. I know it was a risky and possibly stupid thing to do, but what else could I possibly do? Then she had no choice but to contact the ER nearby. I wasn't even that scared to go, well I was, but I was more afraid of my parents' reactions. I was very overwhelmed, so I didn't want any visitors including my parents. They stayed at the ER for a long time, my father left but my mother stayed. I written her a letter addressing my suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, etc. (I didn't say I tried to kill myself because that would break their hearts). Then around 2:30 in the morning I had to go to the psych ward.

I'm not going to go into extreme detail about it, but I've finally been diagnosed (MDD and GAD) and I'm currently taking medication. I do not regret going to the hospital (even though I didn't have a choice), it was the best thing that happened to me despite the stress I was going through with my family and all that. The first few visits with my parents were rough, I felt terrible for putting them in so much grief. I know they care, and I hope that I don't try to kill myself again. 

It took a while for my father to understand what was going on with me, I would say he's a little understanding, but I don't think I could ever tell him the full story about my mental illness. He understood that I was stressed with school, I didn't like the way I look, I felt like I couldn't control my appearance, and that I felt trapped at home. He said that I could tell him anything, but for the longest time I felt like I couldn't. I don't know what started this. I know when I first told my parents about being depressed, the conversation didn't go well at all, and I just felt worse about telling them in the first place. Maybe I should've said that I needed a therapist/counselor outside of school, but I was afraid of their reactions. My father has his own reasons on why I could be depressed...he knows I'm into horror, he thought some of that stuff was influencing me in some way even though it's not. He believed that me being an atheist contributes to it, it doesn't. And just me being negative/pessimistic caused this...he also blamed my mother and brother. Then he thought me being a psychology student influences my mental health, and that I should change my major.

I've made other posts about my personal life, so I won't repeat what I said before. But looking back, yes, I think my homelife has influenced my depression/anxiety, but maybe I'm the one that caused all of this. I assume a lot of things and I don't even bother to try to do anything that'll make me better because it seems like there isn't a point, I assume my parents won't let me do anything and be anywhere outside of my house besides going to my campus. I get incredibly anxious to reach out and talk to my parents about anything. I create all of these problems and it gets so bad that I try to hurt myself. Even though I know my father is trying to help but talking about any of this just makes me feel very guilty and selfish...and it's like I'm this big whiny, sensitive baby who ruminates and does nothing about anything. 

I would say I feel a little better, but I need to do something to improve myself. I clearly have communication problems but how do I deal with them? Ever since I was a child, I struggled to communicate my needs and wants because of my fear of being ridiculed, yelled at, or just not making sense. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I'm just venting. But I feel like a horrible, evil person once again. I am my biggest obstacle. 

I don't even know what to say anymore, and I just can't help but feel worse because I know people have it worse than me...I am slowly trying to do what I need to do regarding my mental health. It's obvious that I need to put my words into action, it's just fucking difficult. 

Hopefully everything I said makes sense somehow, I just needed to get this out there somehow. It could just be that I'm having a bad day, but man I feel like I haven't improved at all right now.