I was recently diagnosed with very mild BPD (though some of the people close to me would beg to disagree) and it's helped me wrap my head around a few things. I overspend and binge and I've always felt a drive to do some of the more extreme things associated with BPD e.g. doing drugs, though I never have (thank you highschool PSE and my Catholic upbringing 👍). I've always known I have an addictive personality (as proven by my inability to say no to another drink) so I thought never to tempt fate. But I'm also starting to feel like maybe there was something else there. Like maybe I knew that even if I continuously drank myself to blackouts or filled that hole with a new body on top of me every night or threw as many chemicals into my bloodstream as I could, nothing would ever take away the pain that always seems to be there. Even when I'm having good days where I almost doubt I even have a mental illness, I can feel it in the back of my mind saying, "Don't worry, I'm still here." I just know that even if I did all those things I feel a drive to do, I know it will never be enough. So why bother? No amount of recklessness or pills or therapy will help. I'm on fire. I'm watching myself burn alive and I know that there's nothing I can do to stop it.