I only listen to people when they're talking about something I'm interested in. I used to fake it and pretend to be interested but now I can't even be bothered to do that most of the time. I want to listen to people and I feel bad for being bored, but it's just not stimulating for me, and I need constant stimulation to function, I've always been like that. I feel very selfish because of this. But sometimes I wonder if I just need to find more interesting friends too. I've messed myself up when it comes to talking to people. Dumb little things annoy me. Like when someone laughs after everything they say, even when it's not funnny, and it makes me feel pressured to laugh or react and I refuse to do that, and then they feel like they've done something wrong, and then I feel bad and frustrated because they didn't do anything wrong, I just hate feeling like I have to give a certain reaction because I'm expected to, and then I eventually get fed up and go on some rant about what causes this behavior (in this case, it's a defense mechanism to indicate submissiveness to people so they'll feel more comfortable around you) to try and get them to stop, then they call me an asshole. Then I apologize and we're friends again and they start doing the thing again. Eventually I can't even spend time around that person anymore.

It's another reason I'm a bad listener. I feel like I see all this shit that I can't bring up. Like when all my friends are getting high and drunk (I've been smoking so not coming from a judgemental place here)  and I just see it getting caused by pain, and know it's going to get worse and worse but don't know how to talk about it with them, especially when they're all acting like everything's fine. Like, they're enabling eachother! They're using denial, minimization, rationalization and a bunch of other coping mechanisms to ignore their problem! I have to do something! But if I do say something, then it seems like everyone just hates me for it. Like I pulled the wool off of their eyes, like I'm attacking them, even though I see it as me just shedding light on a self-destructive pattern. But I also can't tell if I do this because of some dumb rescuer complex. I dunno. I think I'm sort of an asshole and a shitty friend and I just never realized. But I've also been an amazing friend at times and I've helped a lot of people and.....fuck. I'm just confused.
