After a ton of life changes i "became" a bpd 10 yrs ago and in the truest sense of psychosis and i will push even the most crazy away with my intensity. People worry about being harmed or stalked or whatever? I dont have to- i just have to speak and i will drive everyone right the fuck out haha. Its not actually funny. With age this has gotten A LOT worse. Yes i was diagnosed with both aspd and bpd and i cant seem to "shut off" just pure mania NON stop- no sedatives working no meds just a permanent turned on switch of self talk and anxiety and pain/rage. I need straight elephant tranquilizers. 

If im put where i can be insane? thats exactly what i do. i've had SO MANY chances and people still draw to me and i still keep just damaging shit and being ashamed and its embarrassing to look at yourself like "why is it so much"? " why cant i shut the fuck up"?  I do not hate myself and have had a lot of life experiences good and brutal. I hate people and i hate needing anyone but i do feel capable of love- No matter the chances i've been given and all the relationships though i can not dial down my intensity and have scarred people who i feel deserved it for changing up on me. I expect consistency and if i dont get it i just abort mission or they do and im barely phased as the "new age limitless human options" and at this point i more just see it like "this is fucked"  I also dont "fit in" I just GET ALONG with people because of SHARED TRAUMA. I read some thing that said "shared trauma doesnt equal compatibility " I personally find that to be purely untrue. I ONLY like other cluster b's as most cannot deal with me and even if i can drive away most all cluster b's? Imagine that shit. Im NOT into 'self pity" I am highly treatment resistant. Full of pain, anger and yet i can switch that shit off with a new person i like like nothing EVER happened in life. Just wiping the slate clean like a beast. Nothing to be proud of PEOPLE wise but i've accomplished a lot of my goals/dreams already. I should be on a poster for mental illness. Im typing this shit after i just basically TALKED someone into a god damn coma online. I also sit and rot alone by choice a lot and spin the same songs and get deeply gone off substances and have replaced human companionship with it. I am actually worried for myself because i truly abuse the things i use substance wise. i dont have bad intentions god damnit but i cant trust soul. Im still manic. it never shuts off. I hate and love everything. Im not suicidal , never have been, im more worried of dying from self sabotage from using. All people can say is "dude get help"  "dude we cant help you blah blah"  I wouldnt wanna HELP you. So the feeling is mutual. See im already splitting. I dont even care about this post. I dont reach for help. "oh you're so prideful" people are so transparent and hate worthy. Assuming they know you off a few paragraphs. I attract to pain and vice versa- im sorry your basement and gender issues is your only outlet. Just a pre insult for the hate i know is coming my way.