it’s getting really tiring having to struggle on my own. 

the person i lean on most for emotional support is the one causing me the most emotional harm (my fiancé). i will sob in my car the entire way to work/school/home, but once i’m there i will gather myself together and pretend that nothing is wrong. i find myself going through repeated traumatic experiences and pretending they never happened in front of my family and friends. it’s not even really just that either, but i don’t share any real aspects of myself or my emotional intensity to anyone. 

maybe it’s because i know deep down, no one will ever truly understand. because my bpd has been invalidated so many times. because the idea of others having possession of my personal interests/issues in their brains gives me too much anxiety. i feel safe alone in my struggles but i also feel like i’m completely trapped. i can’t go to anyone, i don’t have a shoulder to cry on. i used to have therapy every week for years but she retired and she was the only one i trusted. 

it’s gotten to the point that i’ve now created this account to scream into the void because even that’s a little healthier. i just feel helpless.