I didn’t really grow up with friends from about 16 upwards, until last year.

I had friends and then they just weren’t in my life anymore. 

I met two people that I got along with really well and then different circumstances pushed them out of my life (one of them had a drug addiction and we drifted, another I briefly dated and then they didn’t want to bother trying to be friends).

Now during that time, I became friends with a guy, and I found out he was justifying his rapist boyfriend to his other partner (above friend with a drug addiction) and I quickly fell from best friends to telling him I don’t want to be friends.

I also became friends with two other people and we’re friends with benefits. They’ve gone through a lot and I care about them, but there’s been so much time in between our messages that my closeness and care for them has dipped. I’m scared I’m just gonna drop them too, or that I’ll stop actually caring about them.

And I see this track record and I think about how I might just move person to person and keep leaving people behind (or them leaving me) and it makes me want to cry. It makes me depressed and wonder if I’m just a terrible person and it’s all my fault.

And that’s not even mentioning that all of these people were my Favourite Person and I would give them money whenever they asked (or even just out of nowhere), but now they’re gone.

I don’t know how to deal with this.

I know the first two is an issue on them, because my ex just didn’t care and only talked to me afterwards for money and items, and I only really got messages from my ex-drug addict friend when they wanted things too (though they would sometimes check in on me).

The person that I cut off still tries to get me back in his life and I feel bad that I’m not letting him in.

How can I deal with this? Like, I can start talking to someone amd within a couple of days of talking, if we talk a lot, they’re now my favourite person.

I don’t want to keep moving person to person. 

I know there’s probably something to do with my lack of friends growing up, and only my Nan still being in my life from before I turned 19, but this sucks regardless.

So many queer people and (ex)friends of mine have shared traumas and all, but they still have people in their lives for more than a year and at least one parent in their lives.

Why do I have to be so fucked up?