I'm a first time poster here but I just feel I have limited places to turn to right now.

I have had consistent depression and anxiety since I was in middle school. However, lately I have had a lot more confidence in myself.

But at the same time I still find myself crying over my own behavior and feeling shame for things such as oversharing, overthinking, etc.

I have tried to tell my friends to tell me if I am over sharing or if I am saying things that are uncomfortable (I use dark humor to cope with my suicidal thoughts a lot of the time which can be triggering to others.)

No one ever really says anything to me about my behavior or statements, but with my autism I struggle to read the room so I rely mostly on verbal communication. 

Right now my friend just told me that a bunch of things I said upset them when we were hanging out a few weeks ago which just validates a lot of my fears that my friends don't ACTUALLY want me around. 

This makes it difficult for me to cope with depression because I put too much of my self worth into external validation. I am also really sensitive so I can't tell if I am making people uncomfortable or if I am just reading into it.

I just don't know what to do at this point. I have been improving myself and my behavior over the years but sometimes it just feels like it won't ever truly be enough. 

I never want to use my mental illnesses as an excuse for shitty behavior, but it is the root of a lot of it and I am always trying to work on myself. If you can relate I would appreciate you sharing how you deal with these types of issues.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read, friend. &lt;3