They say actions speak louder than words. if it were true i wouldnt be here with a headache, a broken heart and a body weight less than 120 with my bones showing. my first love, the love of my life. i spent every day with him and any day i couldnt see him was awful and i made it clear to the world. i cried when he cried and until he told me not to, i touched his chest and kissed him hard no matter who was around or where we were because fuck i loved him. i couldnt stop touching him. i rubbed his hair while he slept because i wanted him to feel safe. i stood behind his desk chair with my arms around him kissing the top of his head and encouraged him while he did his work. and i started to do mine too. because i wanted a future with him and i wanted to be good enough. i tried as hard as i could and i kept my grades steadily higher than they had ever been before. and every day i used my words and told him i loved him forever and i cant live without him and so many uncountable phrases. they meant everything to me. he did. i left him notes to find later after i was gone to remind him i was always thinking about him. i never stopped. i blocked every boy who ever tried a thing because i couldnt imagine anyone being in his place. i wouldnt even let them think about me if i could control it. dont fucking look at me youre never going to be him. i started taking a different hallway to my classes so we wouldnt have to see the one from my past he was so convinced i still wanted. long after we started dating he told me i made him feel worthless. i couldnt stand the thought and i absolutely could not understand how because i thought we both felt amazing. so for the first time in over 12 months i cut my arm. i let myself bleed because i hurt him and i didnt know how to fix it. and it never got fixed but made worse because ever since then he held everything in, afraid to hurt me or start a fight. and, despite the fact that it made me gag thinking of a single other person touching me or kissing me or doing anything he did to me, words came out of my mouth that i could not explain. i told him there was a small chance i could cheat on him and i refused to lie by taking my words back. i would never. but i was scared. of course there was a chance, there was a chance i could win the lottery too. i didn’t think about it hard enough....the thought of anyone else besides him seeing me the way he did?? i was unconditionally in love why the fuck made me think there was a chance i could let anyone else near me. but my brain continued to spit these mindless irrational thoughts out my mouth. things like this came out maybe 5 more times. they provoked the worst reactions and i never even believed them myself. i called the one from my past hot in a text to my friend and we let eachother read our texts knowing we had nothing to hide but seeing me say that shattered his heart. besides those incidents he never told me when i did something wrong in fear of a bad reaction. so i kept cluelessly doing wrong and he suffered. i killed him and i drained him because he refused to tell me i was hurting him and what needed to do to stop it. those few bad words i said spoke so much louder than my actions. the good outnumbered the bad 100:1 but i mad him feel like he was never good enough despite every word i said to him every day or when i told him if he wasnt everything i ever wanted then i wouldnt be under that blanket in that house with him. i wouldnt kiss him the way that i did i wouldnt kiss him at all. but sometimes actions do not speak louder than words. and because the good things were good, the bad things were bad. i lost the love of my life because i could not make my actions louder than my words so i drained the love from him so much that now he says he can never love me again and those words are the worst pain ive ever felt. 




why would i say those things