This might be the wrong thing to do, but I need to get this off my chest because I no longer know how to continue living. For context: I suffer from OCD, CPTSD, and other mental health conditions and I cannot cope with the world or myself anymore.

My biggest fear is hurting people and I never stop analysing my actions to make sure I am not hurting anyone. Two of my biggest OCD themes are morality and racism and I have read media which has confirmed that I will always be unintentionally racist and I can't live with that. It is a completely unacceptable thing to me for me to be harmful in any way shape or form and I cannot live with this. I will always continue to be kind to everyone regardless, but I know I am irredeemable. My CPTSD causes me to be easily triggered and to have an innate sense of guilt regardless of how I act, so I realise that may play into this somewhat.

I have also read that if I'm not part of the solution I'm part of the problem. This also makes me believe that I am completely unacceptable as a human as I have not been able to do much due to disability, lack of money, and other circumstances. Absolutely not an excuse, just an explanation. I have done some things such as donate to causes, talk to family about racism, and signed petitions. I accept that this is not enough and that I'll never be able to do enough to make up for the horrors of racism that I will never fully understand. I will always fight racism even if I can't do it well enough.

My health, mental and physical, has been deteriorating rapidly. Nothing is enjoyable because I know I do not deserve any happiness. I am afraid that the world is ending, there is no good outcome, and I am an evil person contributing to that and I don't want to do that. However, I'm now realising that I will never be a good person and for that I am truly sorry.