All my life I was pampered by my mom and because of that, I have not a care in the world with problems. Basically from what I was when I was a teenager, this is the same mindset I have.

Since I was a kid and up until now, My mom does all the work at home. She does all the laundry, she's the one who cooks food, basically she does everything and it makes me feel guilty and useless. Up until now this is the case and I haven’t improved.

By this time I should have been helping with the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, cleaning the house and everything else housekeeping related. I should have learned how to do “manly” stuff like fixing the sink, changing a car tire, going on adventures, learned to overcome my fear of heights, etc. Instead, I stay at home all day doing nothing but playing games, not talking with people, or hiding when people come to our house.

I am a picky eater and eat mostly unhealthy food. I only eat soft or comfort food which in turn didn’t make me any leaner and more muscular. I have a body of that of a frail little boy. I don’t have strong hands, arms or legs, I can’t run that fast and sweat easily. This is because I don’t exercise and don’t have a healthy lifestyle.

I spent my whole life just playing video games, watching too much anime, movies, Netflix, I had no goals in life, no direction, not thinking about the future. Because of that, It took me very long to finish a single course which took me 8 years. Gaming, Anime and Movies became my life instead.

I am not a people person at all. I hide when visitors come to our house. And because I have made this a habit, I am awkward when trying to approach a person and ask questions. I always get bullied and can become the laughing stock of the group.

I was lucky enough to land a job related to my career which was an electrician and but it involved heights and my fear of heights wasn’t helping, it also required some muscle like carrying big things and doing troubleshooting things and like I said, I have a frail body so basically I was useless.

Since I suck at being an electrician, they placed me over to do admin stuff related paperworks at the same company. Again, I had difficulty because all of there are so many variables to work with and I kept doing wrong things. The manager got so mad at me and I had to get tutored so many times by the staff and they started to hate me.

They put up with me until the end of my contract and were relieved that I was finally gone and replaced with someone with actual skill and someone who had the muscle and the brain.

Then I went freelance. I was able to manage it because they are mostly small businesses, not a lot of variables and was thinking this could be a good career. Then COVID happened and the instability of freelance affected me. I lost a client and then I started to panic and worry that we won’t be having any money left.

Now at this point I began to panic, all of this overthinking, my anxiety and depression was triggered and regrets and worries began to flood my mind.

I am experiencing:

\-heartbreak

\-palpitation of the heart

\-cannot sleep due to heartbreak and the palpitation

\-loss of appetite

\-slight chills

\-loss of passion to do the things I want and love

I keep asking myself what if I finished school earlier? What if I just developed my manhood instead of staying what I was when I was just a kid? Maybe I could have earned a lot more money and did not have to worry about our finances, my parents medication because they are now too old,

And then I just told myself: I should have grown up.