i've had my partner that has had a history of multiple cheating betrayals ( 6.5 years) over and over where i kept giving them benefit of the doubt and i tried to make it work with them, eventually even on a near death experience they just ghosted me for a long time during a panic attack several times..

i felt ashamed and humiliated many times, she hurt me, i wanted to love her and punish them at the same time it was confusing

they kept going overboard deal breakers and acting like it's nothing invalidating my feelings, and i wanted to punish her and love her back at the same time, it was quite confusing for years, i barely had any sleep during those times

she isn't here anymore however she gave me a lot of peace of mind whenever i cuddled with her

i wonder if she's doing ok, i just wish sometimes she knew what she was doing or how i felt, it would've made things easier, i wish she knew what it meant what it is like to have long scary long nights of fear/doom/despair, i don't think she hates me even though it seems that way at times..

perhaps she hates herself on setting our relationship to fail in that manner and is lashing out at me for the bad behavior? i understand that she had a troubled childhood which makes her compulsive and impulsive, as she's the oldest with lots of responsibility, she wants to let go and just be petty and childish all the time


how long do betrayal chronic anxiety's take to heal? can anyone vouch their experience of improvement milestones?