my (now ex) boyfriend and I have been on and off for a year because we both struggle so heavily with mental illness but we are so fucking in love that we can’t stay away from eachother. on paper, we do not make sense. we have literally nothing in common, we fight about politics, there’s a large age gap, but I think we both find a lot of comfort in the fact that we’re from very similar background and upbringing. we have both endured extensive trauma which is why we both have trouble communicating, and we have very different coping mechanisms and I just don’t know what to do anymore. we are constantly going in circles because he doesn’t know how to show love abundantly and my brain tells me that means he doesn’t love me, and then he gets upset and shuts down because I’m upset, and it is truly a vicious cycle. he has autism and bi polar disorder and i have adhd and bpd so our illnesses don’t work well together but it just doesn’t feel fair or right to not be together because of that. it feels cruel really. yesterday he came by to say goodbye and we sat holding eachother and sobbing for literally 8 full hours because neither of us could let go. that’s not normal right? like that’s not how breakups are supposed to work?? there is not a single part of me that wants to be away from him for even a day, or any part of me that feels like he’s toxic enough that this needed to end. he just broke up with me because he feels like he doesn’t deserve me, or deserve to be loved at all. I am just generally a very giving person and because I was not given love most of my life, I really try to go above and beyond in letting the people in my life know they are loved and never have to feel how I did as a child. I don’t think it’s fair to say that because we are both sick that we don’t deserve love. I’ve taken over two years now to really try and improve myself - therapy, mental hospitals, meds, and I just started eating disorder recovery and DBT a couple months ago. He said he’s going to start therapy again and try to get on some sort of medication, but he also is really on top of his coping mechanisms and practices them every day. He’s trying to stay away from me until July. i really don’t think either of us will make it that long, we literally have never spent more than three days apart, but he genuinely believes my life will improve without him and I am just broken. we promised to not see other people in this time so it wouldn’t sway a decision, but it’s fair of me to think that we SHOULD be together right? like i genuinely need insight because people who do not struggle with trauma like this will write something like this off as toxic without understanding how people like us function. there is no one else in my life that understands and i’m pretty sure all my friends don’t like him, so I just need outside perspective. I was in a long term relationship before this with someone who was not mentally ill and it was so toxic and difficult and when it ended, I was devastated but I knew that it needed to end. I was in so much pain every day and I knew that person didn’t love me anymore. I thought about leaving that person every day for probably over the last year of that relationship. I have never felt this way in this one. When we have trouble or fights, I NEVER want to run away from it, I immediately want to find a way to fix it so I don’t have to lose this person. I just don’t know what to do. I am just as in love with this person a year later as when I first met them and I want to be with them for the rest of my life.                                                            I really don’t know what to do. I’m so sick of my BPD getting in the way of everything in my life and ruining all of my relationships