Hey guys, first time posting so I hope this is appropriate to post in here,,

I've been diagnosed from age 11 ( I'm 18 now) with Aspergers/high functioning autism, and I honestly didn't have many problems relating to that. That is, until half a month ago.
I always had depressive tendencies and just bad moods in general but everything changed when I started to take hormones (I'm transgender, mtf) and felt so, so overwhelmed with every aspect of life.
Before taking them, I used to think I was above things like having an inability to focus, panic attacks, shutdowns and meltdowns, extreme fatigue, self harming and suicidal behavior. I thought about them, but nor my body nor my mind "acted upon those things", so I didn't worry about them. However, since hormones, I've experienced everything listed here, with overwhelming emotions towards them that I just can't bottle up or forget about anymore.
So obviously I had to tell my therapist. But I don't know if I really did. I had a bad relationship with him so every time I had an appointment I was very tense, and then my brain just doesn't say what I have in mind, follows the other person's conversation or fabricates a very confusing and convoluted way to get to a point. And then forgets everything afterwards.
Now that wouldn't be a problem, I could've just told him in our next appointment but I've been talking about this stuff with EVERYONE. My parents, teachers, ER, private psychologist, friends... Everyone. Maybe my reality is distorted and I actually haven't said anything meaningful to them, or maybe I did. I don't know about you guys but when someone mentions to me they've had suicidal ideations and even tried to do it not just once but three times in six months, I'd be doing everything to protect them.
I'm scared of myself. Ive been feeling a bit better these weeks, but I have a feeling that at any given point my brain will just snap and make me want to kill myself. I've asked for being hospitalized or at least be somewhere I can be watched over and kept safe, but again, it's like I haven't even said anything to them and I'm getting confused about what I have and haven't said. 