I have always wanted an older brother figure more than anything. I have never been in love before and I don't want to. The idea of romantic love never felt like anything charming to me. 

This has made me suffer a lot though. Finding it impossible for me to have an older brother figure in real life (because of social anxiety and trouble making friends), I began searching for the "big brother" online, a search that went on for over 8 years in which I got extremely attached to many guys (one at a time), considered them my "big brother", then lost them. I only found recently that it was my fault.

My "big brother" would represent a whole family to me, the family I never got to have. And because of that I wanted to be their whole family as well. I hated that they had other friends they cared about, and especially, a girlfriend. It hurt so much and felt so unfair knowing that they were the world to me, yet their girlfriends would be their world and the one they cared about the most. I couldn't help but overwhelm the "big brother" with these thoughts all the time. 

I stopped the search more than a year ago but have been feeling so lonely since I don't have any friends. I sometimes search for people to talk to online, but at the same time I know I shouldn't be doing so since friends don't mean anything to me and the only thing I see with a meaning is a "big brother". I don't want to end up attached to someone and go through the same pain I went through during those 8 years. 

I feel like I'm trapped. I really want an older brother figure in real life, but at the same time I know I probably won't be happy if I finally have one. I know his lover will most likely be his favourite person and not me. Thinking about that makes me want to just disappear, along with these feelings.

I know this whole issue probably doesn't make any sense and is not a right way to think, but trust me I have no control over it and I don't even really understand why I'm that way. At the same time I don't want to "just want a lover instead". I don't want to give up on wanting a big brother. 

I'm not sure if posting this is a good decision. I don't even think I was able to explain it. I'm really worried of not being properly understood. I should mention that I saw a lot of therapists during the period of 9 years and took medications (Have been suffering from other mental illness along with BPD) but none of the therapists could properly help with anything. I currently am not seeing any and not planning to.
I really don't know what I should do.