For a pretty long time, I’ve struggled with looking forward to things. The more excited I get about something thats coming up, the more anxious I feel that something is going to stop it from happening.

My brain always jumps to drastic things. I look forward to something exciting happening over the weekend, the only things I can think of are “what if the world ends before then” “what if i die before then” and I spend the whole week stressing instead of being happy.

Its happening right now. I have a great weekend trip I’m looking forward to this weekend. I’m going to drive to see my girlfriend and we’re going to have an awesome few days together. But even as I type this I get anxious.

I feel like getting excited is “jinxing it” and I feel sometimes like I’m in a movie where I’m gonna die and it’ll be like “aw man its so tragic that he died right before his fun weekend”. My brain does not allow the possibility of “everything is going to go fine”.

I almost feel relieved when things go wrong. When things go my way for too long, I feel like it’s building up to a great tragedy. 

It’s an awful feeling. I’m in a happy relationship and I’m set to move in with my girlfriend in a couple years when she finishes college, but I’m so convinced I just won’t get there somehow. I’m not one of those people that’s convinced I’m going to die young. I have a clear vision for my future and overall think I’ll be fine. Its more like its too good to even happen and there’s no way it will. 

Anyone else feel like this? Is there any way of dealing with it? I just want to look forward to whats to come.