Life feels horrible. Everything feels bad. I feel like such a fundamentally broken person. One of my best friends, who I’ve 100% pushed away over the last few months, snapped at me and I just needed to do something with my pain. I walked up to a bridge to jump off. My friend who snapped at me tried to talk me out of it, but ultimately said that she needed to go to sleep and that she would see me tomorrow. She also texted another one of my best friends, who did more to try to stop me. But I refused to answer the phone and there would be full minutes between her texts. 

And I guess basically, tonight taught me that no one can really stop me from killing myself. But even with no one truly stopping me, I still can’t go through with it. I hate that my friend who snapped at me ultimately knew I wouldn’t go through with my threats. I wish so badly that I could just end it. I’m impulsive and needy and I push away the ones I love. And I really really do think those I love would be best if I wasn’t around. If I had done this already, I’d be saving this from all of this pain I’m inflicting now. And doing it now could prevent me from inflicting more pain in the future. 

But, here I am, still alive.