I started using nitrous earlier this month and I immediately got addicted. I’m also cutting myself again, using scalpels. I promised my friend that I’d never cut again; but at this point, I truly don’t give a shit about myself. Cutting and getting high is keeping me alive until I can commit suicide.

I don’t care if I cut too deep or if the nitrous kills me. I’m going to poison myself next month anyway. My body will look awful after the poisoning, but I really don’t care. I might try to give hanging one last try. My family will be devastated if anything happened to me. But I can’t live for them.

Grief, depression, and gender dysphoria have ruined any chance of happiness for me. Losing my mom has destroyed what little will to live I had left. Why on earth was I born female? I’m stuck living in a body that isn’t mine. I’ve been on testosterone for 5 years. Passing as male is not enough. I‘ll never have a body that will truly be male. I have top surgery in two months but I’ll probably have to reschedule it.

The sooner I die, the better.