CW Suicide mention

i'm such a fucking idiot. i'm here isolating myself from all my friends because i feel like i am such a useless burden to them. I keep seeing it as: if i remove myself from the equation of all my friends (who are my chosen family), it wouldn't make a fucking difference because they all have somebody; they have a significant partner, they have blood family. What do i have? all i have is them. All i rely on is them, for support, for help. I'm always depressed, stressing about my finances, nothing but a killjoy.

Recently i saw one of my favourite persons going out with another person and i felt this pang of jealousy. We met online during the lockdown last year and when restrictions eased a few months after, i finally got to meet them. We have been through a lot since then and have gotten really close. They've given me a space in their home when i felt alone/am on the verge of another episode. When i attempted recently, i went to their home in the middle of the night and cried in their arms. This platonic relationship meant a lot to me, more than they could ever know. I have expressed it a few times and this punitive side of me thinks I'm being way too overboard with expressing how i feel about our friendship to me. 

So this pang of jealousy right? I felt so disgusted at myself for feeling the way i felt but it made me overthink about how we have never went out together like that. It was always us being lazy at home and just hanging out, and though i appreciated it, I've noticed that they've started to not initiate hanging out and it was either me, or their partner. I've also realised that we have not spent time alone together, and while i love their partner as well, I'm the type to enjoy one-to-one company. So i felt angry at myself for feeling so stupid, so silly, so needy, so possessive? over this. I just feel like a fucking idiot.

I'm just... what the fuck is wrong with me and my brain?! I Need this to fucking stop, need to stop being a fuckin creep, a needy possessive creep.