I’ve thought about it my entire life but it’s become less of an intrusive thought as intrusive thoughts are thoughts that aren’t welcome and come unannounced. 

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For the past month however it’s been me thinking about death not the dark parts of my brain. I’ve thought about how I’m going to do it to make sure there is no chance of me surviving cause honestly that would be embarrassing considering my plan I hatched up. I figured that once I found the best way to do it I would then put my plan into play. 

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I plan on creating a private Instagram account with no one following me on it. Post all my pictures on my phone (nothing nsfw on it of course) onto Instagram. Then I would caption the photos how I was feeling at the time of taking the photo and how I feel now looking back at it. I would post all the selfies I was too embarrassed to post… all the selfies of me doing “silly” faces and all the cringey videos I made that I thought were funny at the time. 

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On my public Instagram I put something on my story to test my followers… a type of social experiment if you will. I’m in my last semester of high-school and all my followers are people who grew up in the same town as me, went to the same elementary, junior high, and high-school as me and some were my friends in elementary. 

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Exactly like a guessed out of 100 people who saw the story not a single one messaged me asking if I was okay. I feel like one last post on that private Instagram will talk about how everybody at the school will pretend that they were my friend after my death to get some sort of pity from people and be in the spotlight but I will make sure everybody knows that no one and I mean NO ONE was a friend to me. After elementary no one talked to me… 

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even when I tried to talk to them they would just walk away or cut me off when I’m talking. I never got a good morning or hello from them I never even got a “happy birthday”. I became invisible.

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I would then make the private Instagram public.

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Seconds before I kms I would make a photo on my public Instagram account with the followers that would be a black screen saying IMPORTANT DON'T SCROLL LOOK AT CAPTION. Then the caption would read "Goodbye... Since none of you ever bothered to be my friend check out this Instagram account {INPUT INSTAGRAM HERE} where you learn what you missed... the unfiltered me. Tired of all you people faking you care about others when the only thing you care about is yourself. Every body telling me it will get better... Spoiler alert It hasn't and it won't. For the good part of 10 years I have been severely depressed and despite me giving out obvious signs for help NO ONE stepped in. You are all stuck in a bubble and anything that happens outside of that bubble is not important. I wasn't in anyone's bubble because people were scared of me being an embarrassment to them. They say the depressed people are the ones that need to wake up but all of you are dreaming... Don't you see. The only joy to life is death."