So I posted on here almost a week ago about being manic and suicidal... I crashed from the mania but I'm still suicidal. I ended up in the ER this week, after crying for hours at home all day and scratching my arms all to shit and trying to fight the urge to go jump off a bridge because it feels like my head and my heart are literally about to explode. I told the hospital staff all of this and stated that I *need* someone to *please fucking help me.* I don't know what form of help they can give me, but right now I can't function on my own. I can't sleep right, I can't eat, I can't afford to buy food so I can't eat even if I felt like I could eat anyway.. I just cry. All. The. Time. I can't get them to take me seriously, or maybe there's no help they can offer me, I don't know, I know I can't get the help I need living in the area I currently live in because it's under funded and there aren't enough resources for mental health to stretch around to everyone. There is DBT available privately, but again, there's no way for me to afford it. (I guess I could go back to being a ~~whore~~ escort but to be honest, that did a number on whatever was left of my self worth. I don't really wanna do that again) Suicide feels like the only reasonable answer because I'm about to end up homeless from not being able to pay bills or rent anymore.

Here comes the dilemma; I have a friend who is offering to help me, promising there is more help in the bigger city that he lives in. He says I can get help there, and that it's easy for me to get the help there... All I have to do is just *do it*. However, this friend also has BPD and he supports himself through slightly illegal means and I believe is at pretty high risk to either just snap or end up being arrested.... I don't want to get mixed up in any of it, and fuck up my life more by making a last ditch attempt to fix it. Then I'd be alone in a city where I don't know anyone with literally no money and a bunch of debt.

 But if it's a choice between being around at least *one* person who seems to care about me (even if he's not very stable) or staying here and trying to just survive each day and not kill myself, I'm genuinely not sure which is the more sensible option anymore.