I am hardstuck in life, doing nothing, feeling nothing, feel like it won't get better. I seem like to not care about anything going on with my life, no matter how important it is. Got big dreams, goals and ambitions, but there is an invisible wall stopping me for going forward.

My high school graduation exam is coming up in 10 days, I'm letting the days go away doing nothing. Getting graduated would mean for me to move, start a new life and better myself, but the pressure isn't getting to me.

I have a fairly good paying freelance job that can change my life financial situation forever if I choose to grind and work within normal hours, but I always half ass it, procrastinate then find an excuse to my clients. Two out of three of my clients got other people on the team, they no longer reach out for work no more.

My father is a very toxic narcisstic person, he wouldn't miss the chance to point out anything that would hurt me, no matter how banal and unimportant it is. Confronting him add fuels to the fire, so I tend to avoid him as possible. However, that creates a very bad house environement that makes my heart break for not having a healthy relationship with him and live a normal life.

I have near zero self esteem, that's something that was given to me by my parents who were constantly comparing me to classmates in school and straight up telling me I'm worthless, without mentionning other types of verbal abuse that is sticking with me till now.I feel like I'm not contributing anything, and that I'm doing nothing of importance compared to my peers. In my mind, I'm a big failure who can't pick himself up.

I am growing distant of my friends, I start nitpicking things they do and tend to get annoyed by their presence. The only friend who is constantly checking up on me gets on my nerves now, he wants to know I'm doing fine, but I'm not and I can't let him know that. Letting him in the know would need from me to tell him everything about my situation, and people can't seem bothered, everyone got enough on their plate, best he can do is give some motivational words, and that isn't doing the trick sadly, so I don't think it's worth it.

I contemplate suicide every day, but as of now, I can't see myself enduring the 2-4 minutes of torture needed to do so. I'm afraid my brain will normalize the idea day by day. One thing that really surprised me once is when my sister told me : "I worry about you harming yourself, I keep picturing you hanging yourself on the roof." She said this as a light hearted joke, but deep down she knows I'm troubled with these negative emotions.

I know the process of healing requires you to surround yourself with people you love, but my trust issues are through the roof. With friends, I just put the happy person persona and masquerade for the day, then I'm back to the bland soulless person at home.

I feel like I'm forgetting other key parts, but this is enough to paint a general picture on what I'm going through.

I am considering moving at the end of summer to get some peace of mind, it would be extremely risky since leaving house would mean no financial support from parents for the rest of my life. I can handle myself freelancing, but the risk is something to keep in mind. I am also looking to get therapy sessions, my local doctors are known for being bad so moving on would open that door, albeit it would be expensive.

This is basically my first time opening up to someone, please let me know your thoughts, sorry for the long post and thank you.