Well for starters I can’t go outside, doing anything involving people terrifies me. Even just picking up a call, talking to college profs, doing presentations. I can’t even go outside and not talk to people because I still feel like people are judging me.
I never feel stable. I think I’m fine for a second, and the next it’s all collapsing down. My past keeps coming up in my mind. Shame, rage, loss, loneliness. 
The way I’ve tried to take my life in the past, the way I get suicidal thoughts almost regularly. The history of verbal, physical abuse I’ve had and seen. Growing up in broken home with violence and addiction has really made me sort of unable to grow. I want to be able to live normally and happily. But it seems impossible. Oh and therapy is just out of the question. Don’t ask me why.. I would go if I could, trust me.