(tdlr at bottom)
i’m not saying no one in this world cares about me, i know they do. but there is no one who would comfort me when i cry with no explanation, understandably because who gets sad for no reason?? (me). I turned 21 this month and it’s funny because at the age when you can now legally go out i have become pretty recluse. I didn’t take any summer classes so I am literally in bed all day everyday on the internet, reading, gaming, theorizing, and just feeling generally hopeless and suicidal. At the start of summer i tried to stay out of the house: read at cafes, watch the sunrise in the park, then someone hit my car and totaled it. Since i’m home for the summer with my single mom i’ve been trying to hide all these feelings. now before you think just tell you mom she will understand, i have. my mother is the kindest person i know and she loves me so much she would give me the world at any cost to her. but she comes from a culture where depression just isn’t a thing. we moved here from a third world country so if i’m sad and contemplating my existence she asks how i can be sad when my life is so easy here. (she’s right idk why). she thinks i’m sad because i haven’t seen true hardship and she may be completely spot on but that doesn’t help me want to live. one day last month she said she’d unalive herself if i left the house -because i was sad and wanted to spend the day in a hotel to take a nice bath. so i didn’t go and decided that i’d stop bothering my mom with this because my condition was very clearly taking a toll on her and her angry reactions were only making me feel worse. i saw a few therapists but they were all like sleep more, eat healthier (i do) …my depression is more existential. i’m about to give meds a 3nd chance. i haven’t given up on being able to think and live like a normal human in society but i don’t know. do you guys have someone who will give u a hug when u cry and does it help?

TL;DR i’ve been in a long and stupid existential crisis and am unsure how to bring myself out