As I approach 30, the decade in which people are expected to settle down, I am in a state of grief because I didn’t get to live life and be free and have fun in my youth. Not even much in my childhood. 

I didn’t get to have friends, I didn’t get to make memories with loved ones, I didn’t get to have fun nights out, I didn’t get to go on cool trips with friends or family. I’ve been bullied and emotionally abused for 20+ years by peers and family and no one stuck up for me except my mum (who died in 2020)  and now I’m terrified of people 

In fact, from ages 17-26 I barely ever left the house. All my time spent was playing videogames by myself in my room. I am autistic, which is an incurable disease, and also have depression and severe crippling anxiety to the point where I can’t function. I have no motivation and I’m tired all the time. The one person who cared about me is gone.

I really desperately want to die. A few nights ago I was finding it extremely difficult to breathe in my sleep, like I was genuinely suffocating, and I was ecstatic. I was like “it’s finally happening”!

Life is only going to get worse as I get older. I have to die.