Howdy. First time caller long time listener.

I could really use another set of eyes on my situation. I feel I’ve analyzed this myself to death, and medical resources are so limited I hate having a dr along for the ride for every decision. 

I’ll try to make it quick:
F/39/married 

Mom had undiagnosed personality disorder, possibly NPD. I have very low self esteem but you would never know. Just diagnosed with major depressive disorder and ptsd. 
Father was another empath, but ultimately let me down. 
Multiple traumas, more over the last decade. Rape (reported and blown off by officials), domestic violence, pleading guilty to a crime I didn’t commit and spending my honeymoon in jail to hell my dad… mother-in-law who is *surprise* just like my mom in terms of narc abuse. Both my parents and my dog died within a year last year. 

Husband has come a long way, but still drinks too much every day and is emotionally and physically distant. I had a huge awakening a year ago and just celebrated a year of no - drinking by….. starting drinking a bit. Not great.

A year ago, when I was in crisis, I was fortunate enough to get a psychologist around the same time and fortunate enough for her to recognize it under my intellectual subterfuge.

My dr acted quickly and I got some mild tranquilizers and Prozac, 20mg and weekly talk therapy. I ended talk therapy in January to help my husband start a business. I was massively let down, again, by the family and stopped working a month ago, started ‘experimenting’ with alcohol. I called my dr (not psychologist, haven’t heard from her since Jan) and he prescribed 2.5-5 mg Abilify - which I have been taking dutifully since in addition to Prozac.

Through hard work and good decisions, and probably Prozac and luck as well, the last year has been incredible in many ways and I have learned a lot. Life is beautiful, and I can watch ‘my depression’ through a lens of some detachment knowing it’s not who I am. I almost feel like now that I have a leg-up again, I want to confront this depression head-on. 

The information about Abilify scares me, as does the fact that I am no longer receptive to psybicilin, which is starting to show promise for depression. I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on the last 4 years about psychology, yoga, alternative therapy, pharmaceutical studies…. And I’m just getting the feeling I’m changing my brain and it’s not even helping. 

I get up at 5 to do yoga, and start and then just stop and get a drink and smoke some weed. It’s weird. Just an example. Gaining weight, but too many variables to say for sure it’s the Abilify. 

I want to quit everything and just focus on nutrition, sleep, education and exercise- I just know they are going to try to rectify this with some weight loss pill as well… as for the tranquilizers I took what remained of those about 2 months ago all at once, thought better of it, and threw them up. So no more of those around. 

How bad can it be? I’m really not on a huge amount of medication compared to what I read on here. I know it’s the wrong season to come off meds, I just want to feel authentic again and not like an existential experiment.

Any insight would be a godsend - I can elaborate more if needed.

&lt;3