Hopping on here because I don't have anyone else to talk to right now. I have a mix of PTSD, depression, anxiety, abandonment issues, PMDD or PCOS - like it all kind of rolls into one hot mess, and I've dealt with this (undiagnosed) my whole life. I went off my meds (zoloft, 5.25 years) in March this past year because of not being able to maintain a healthy body weight on it and everything's been fine for the most part, I also did therapy for about a year after starting meds and that helped. The past couple of months though everything has been hitting harder and harder, and I feel like I'm at my breaking point.

1. Am making not a lot of money right now since getting off income support - working two jobs and the income isn't totally there.

2. Was working on a really intense project in early November and reconnected with some close friends (they are like family) and I feel like I've been hit by a tidal wave of guilt because I didn't stay in touch with them over COVID, and part of why I didn't is because I have really bad abandonment fears and struggle with staying in contact with people because if I don't then I don't have to be scared of building lasting relationships. I don't have any close friends, and having them back in my life has made me so happy and I've been getting them little gifts to make up for lost time, and I had a "fuckkk" moment this morning where I'm scared that I've been using this both because I naturally like doing nice things but also to make myself feel like I have more purpose in my life, like as a distraction from all the shit going on. I'm worried I'm coming on too strong and that I'm making them uncomfortable. I tried to explain a bit but I don't think I made any sense, and I don't know if I should open up and let them know how I feel/what's going on.

3. Finishing said really intense project (which was fun, just way more stressful than it was supposed to be) has made me feel like I don't have purpose in my job. Didn't help that family members didn't approve of said project because it didn't bring in a lot of money.

4. Lost a family member in the middle of November. Missed their last birthday because I was working on the really intense project. I lost a friend to cancer in Nov 2020 and another family member to COVID on Christmas 2020. I didn't get to say goodbye to any of them. The week after they passed away a family member was admitted into the hospital, the week after that I was hit with the worst PMDD I've ever experienced, everyday since I've cried. 

5. I want someone to talk to but I can't afford therapy and I don't have anyone else. I feel like I've relapsed, I haven't felt like this for such a long period of time since before I started my meds. All the things I've worked through when I was in therapy years ago have come back and I feel like I'm at square one. 

6. I already have a hard time with Christmas (I don't like holidays because I set my expectations high and they never turn out how I want, mixed with bad memories of holidays that went to shit), so I wasn't looking forward to this year, especially because of the anniversary's of the above two deaths, now adding on a third death has made it extra hard. 

I really hate this. I have so much doubt and fear. I feel so lonely all the time. I'm afraid to go back on meds. I just want to run away from it all.