Throughout my relationships, a common complaint of mine is this: “I can never tell you anything because you always make it about yourself. You blame yourself and get super upset.” I felt like after the first time hearing that after a breakup, I had learned my lesson and taken steps to be better. But I haven’t. I’ve gotten far worse now with my current relationship.

My boyfriend has said that he feels like he can’t show weakness towards me, and that he isn’t allowed to feel emotions because then I get upset and he now has to comfort me. Over the course of our relationship, each hardship he’s faced was met with me pouting that I’m not good enough, that it’s my fault, and then asking for reassurance. Every time he’s needed me, I’ve failed to be there for him and instead turn things around so that I get comforted instead. It sickens me that I do that. I keep promising to change but I don’t. In fact, I grow even worse now. It’s so bad that now he is actually breaking down emotionally and every emotional bump he faces he cries and falls apart. And what do I do? I make it about myself. 

I’m tired of being abusive towards him. Because that’s what it is in the end: Abuse. It’s emotional abuse. Even with all this put to my attention, all I could think about is how awful I feel that I do this. I feel heartbroken that I am capable of being so selfish and cold to the one person I love the most in this world, instead of being capable of being there for him. 

He doesn’t want to break up, despite countless times of me suggesting we should because I acknowledge that I am not a good partner to him; and when I tell him I feel that I am a bad partner, he no longer refutes that statement like he used to. He genuinely feels like I am a bad partner, yet he stays. I asked him if I’m really a bad partner and he mentioned that he feels like he can’t have feelings around me, so I guess that confirms it. 

Point being, I do genuinely want to be better and stop my mental decline that’s causing me to be this selfish and abusive. I need advice on how to stop making things all about myself and how to be better supportive and present for him. Please help. The two of us don’t want to break up. We do want to make this work. I just need some tips on how to not make shit about me.