Hey guys, I'm new to the sub so for starters I'm a 23M and I'm suspecting myself of having BPD. I never even knew what BPD was until a few months ago honestly. I don't want to get into too much detail about how I learned what BPD was but recently I've been coming to terms with my childhood. I finally sat myself down and accepted that I was molested when I was a child and how hard it was to deal with. I almost forgot it even happened. I'd always tell myself "you weren't molested, you're just exaggerating/being a baby, grow up". I was also ridiculed as a kid by a family member for showing emotions. So I grew up being called a pussy, cunt and being told "you look like a f*g" so over time I just shut my feelings off.

I honestly thought all my feelings were normal. My fear of rejection/abandonment I thought were normal. Im not 100% sure if I "split" on people but every relationship I get into, I have to convince myself first. Ya know the talking stage, you both agreeing you'd like to date. I get immediately overwhelmed and have the urge to block/remove this person from my life. I don't know I just get scared.

My most significant issues are chronic feelings of emptiness my entire life+never feeling like I had a personality until my 20s. I felt like I had a certain expectation to live up to so id always go back and forth between being myself and being someone my family would be more approving of. I honestly don't know if I have mood swings, but I have such intense feelings of anger sometimes. I hate myself and constantly feel like something is wrong with me. That I deserve to feel pain.

This month I've finally decided to seek out therapy and talk about all this with a psychiatrist. Like I said I'm not tryna self diagnose myself with anything but when I researched all my symptoms  I match up with BPD the most.