So for the past year I've been saving. £40 into a private safe every month. By christmas ill have around £500, for my 18th birthday my parents are giving me a grand, and for christmas ill have £200 instead of presents. Altogether this puts me at £1700 pounds by christmas, which today i learnt is enough to buy a tower pc with an rtx 3070 and a 10th gen i7 core. I was so happy, but it didn't last. For 5 short minutes i wasn't feeling worried or anxious or depressed. I was actually happy. But then we got to the car and the thought "what if its gone by then" popped into my head. Then more thoughts like that started happening. It grew and grew until i started thinking that i didn't deserve it. All i ever do is leach of others, i'm not even paying half of the price. And then i started thinking that i don't deserve happiness. The moment of happiness has gone and now I'm sadder then before.