CW: sui mention 

&amp;#x200B;

Idk. The past two months have been so hard for me and in reflection so many of my problems were self-caused, because I couldn't get my manipulative impulses in check. I'm just tired of having BPD. I'm tired of the basic human decency things being the things that are hardest for me to maintain in my day-to-day. I tell people I'm a bad person and they swear to me that I'm not, but if I weren't, would it really be so hard for me not to so deeply hurt and lose the people I love? I've had my diagnosis for five years, and I've been in therapy for longer. Things change but I don't know if they've ever really gotten better... I don't really believe they ever will. I've been experiencing more suicidal ideation in recent weeks than I have in the last few years combined and I'm just having a hard time seeing what the point is in carrying on. I'm safe - no plans set and honestly I think I'm too depressed to even try. I'm just tired of it all and I'm really pissed off that this is something I have to deal with in my life, that I will continue to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I hate it all.