I've  been lonely almost my entire life, always felt under pressure or lack  of time. A friend of mine found a server and they will meet up this  summer when the exams wil finish, the same time when I will work full  time at my family's restaurant. Until now I couldn't meet up because  every exam is meant to be tough so everyone was busy, and I really feel  tired of this to happen for the fifth year consecutive. I arranged to  meet with my close friends two times in the last four months and this  makes me sad.

I accepted the job  so I can save some money and make independent. I'm not sure if the gov.  is gonna accept the scolarship, I really don't want to because I  wouldn't like to waste my time studying at the university; it cost me a  lot of effort to understand that I'm a self-tough person, but there is  no encouragement for people like me any place. There are a lot of  reasons I'm not gonna share here why I want to leave my mother's house,  but I urgently need to leave. Far. The job will last til' october and I  am not sure how to get over the summer and find a new place with new job  (I've never been at an interview and I'm not receptive to accept the  first shitty job).

At this moment  the global economy is collapsing due to the lack of energetic sources  (yes, 80% of consumption that cannot be electrify) so in order to not  rely on a comolex lifestyle, I want to look for a low-emission rural  house that needs local work, maybe somewhere in Galicia but this looks  like impossible to find in internet (also owning a house is so gddmn  expensive). There's a lot of shit here, lot's of variables, I want to  study by my own before taking a final veredict, because I trully want to  do this right.

But I'm tired. I  don't think I can do this job in the laboural conditions (place is hot  af and the heatwaves are unbearable in Spain, 9h/day, only tuesday free,  nonstop all the summer) it's just too much and the fact that I did it  last year doesn't mean I can do it now. All the breakdowns are tearing  my energies apart, my motivation is fragile. I have frequent suicidal  thoughts even if zero attempts. It just doesn't have to be this hard,  life doesn't need to be this hard but somehow "it is whst it is" and I  have to eat everyone's shit, even if it's not intentionally.

In moments like this, I want to smoke weed and escape for a moment but it gets worse later with depression attacks.

Sometimes  I remember Elliot Anderson buying a bag of morphine pills and about to  commit suicide and then arrives that inocent child. His tantrums and his  illusions makes Elliot brake completely and letting the light dive into  his scars. How does it get better? When will the perfect entity arrive  at the perfect moment to touch the deepest wound? What if it arrives at  an ungodly moment, what if I'm not ready to change myself even if it's  impossible to be same again after that?

I feel so morally tired I don't know what to do or choose.