
I’m lonely, I hate every job I ever have because I’m incompetent, I don’t fit in completely anywhere, I have no aims or goals in life, I’m lazy, I’m not interesting, I seem friendly but I’m so awkward, I can’t handle confrontation, I’m a doormat and a people pleaser, I have no self-respect, zero self-confidence, I’m constantly anxious and scared to upset anyone and still somehow manage to fuck up, I embarrass myself all the time, I don’t know how to connect with people, I’ve never had a girlfriend or even came close to a relationship, I’m scared of wasting my life being this way forever and never changing, I don’t know how to change, I don’t even know if I could if I did know, and everyday I stay like this I can see my life passing me by. 

And the fucking funny thing is when I was out last weekend a girl I’d never spoken to before told me I am the happiest person she’s ever met. Nobody sees me, and by hiding this from everyone out of fear I can never grow. But who would read the above and want someone like that in their life? I can’t even look at that side of myself for too long and instead I have to pretend it’s not there. But it’s getting harder to do that everyday, and the older I get the worse I get. When I was young I was happy, outgoing, carefree, smart, energetic, I had potential. Sometimes when I’m alone and I can drop the mask I think of that little guy and how he could have turned out and I just want to say sorry to him, from his 23 year old self. I let him down.