(21 M) I can’t think of the last time I had just bawled my eyes out. Just let it ALL out. It’s been far too long. And I want to cry everyday but just can’t. It’s hard to do, especially growing up in a household where “men don’t cry”. Bullshit. I was trained this way and it’s hard to unlearn this toxicity. 

It’s been really rainy out. It’s been raining since last night and it’s rained all throughout the day until now, another night. I tried taking advantage of this setting to cry but it’s still not working. I’m listening to sad songs trying to encourage it but that’s not working either. I may know one song, but it’ll be way too much. Way to big of a depression dose. It’d help me cry, but it’ll leave me more depressed. 

I can cry tiny bits at a time. I wake up crying sometimes. Either because the dream was emotional or I was just vulnerable. If I do end up crying it’ll most likely be a small burst lasting around 10 seconds and then not again. Maybe it’s more of a setting thing? Like I can’t cry long or loud because my dad will hear? 

A hug is probably the one thing that would do it I think, but the one person I can think of that would do that for me is going through a lot as well and I don’t want to be selfish.