I've been depressed on and off (more like worse or better) since I was 11 and honestly? i want to be happy, I think all in all i "deserve" to be happy/content. I think I'm an average-okay person! I think i have a good moral compass. I fuck up sometimes, i have my flaws, but overall i like who i am. I didn't use to.  I don't think I'm worthless...but it feels like the rest of the world treats me as such, especially for being part of so many marginalized groups and stuff. It makes me feel so terribly hopeless, and suicidal (though only at my worst times anymore).

At this point, my definition of happiness is literally just "i can pay my bills and can support myself consistently", and even that feels impossible. I can't work because of disability, but because my disability is invisible (adhd and autism and ptsd and yadda yadda) and because im an immigrant, it's even harder than usual to be approved for disability payments. There are opportunities i dont have (but do need) because of being an immigrant, and yet if i move to where im from im stripped of my dignity and selfhood (im trans and in my home country, we get killed frequently and can't transition ever).

All this to say that it feels like theres no way out. Sometimes I think I'm just sticking around to see how long I can go on for and/or what will end up being the last straw. Just out of curiousity, or to milk this life of every last drop of half-decent to blissful experiences.

I know plenty of people have it worse, but jfc I'm so tired of having to struggle and worry every single second of my life!! how is anyone in a position similar to mine supposed to survive at all??