It’s a barrier to my thoughts that I don’t quite understand. It weighs heavy on my mind. I feel so close to something beautiful, as if I’m on the precipice of pure happiness — but this incessant barrier won’t leave me. It clears when I focus on something fully; like when I watch a movie, draw, play chess, write, or read. However, when I’m not doing those things, I just feel useless. Not that I’m particularly useful while participating in those hobbies — all things considered, my pursuits are quite selfish.

Now while I do have these escapes, I still want to be present at times. The barrier is there when I talk to my friends, or when I’m alone in the shower — it just looms. Without these distractions, it cripples me. Talking to people is a struggle because of my inability to focus; I think about anything just to escape, I daydream often — but then I believe that I look like a pretentious dope. Staring deep into an invisible void, ignoring people just to avoid the concrete block growing in my head. Sometimes I cock my head around faster then a bird looking for a crumb, just looking around for something, anything to think about.

So I sit and suffer through conversations, pretending to care. Not because I don’t, but because I can’t. People talk to me and it all comes out like gibberish. Spilling words into the air because they aren’t truly resonating with me. I’m sorry to every person who’s time I’ve wasted in this fashion.

I’m tired, and I just want to be present. But maybe I’m better off just locking myself in.

Thank you if you’ve read this far, I just needed to talk for a moment