When I'm not tired, I'm a weird, but mostly functional adult.  I'm a little anxious, depressed, and lonely, but nothing too far from the norm.  I have lots of ways to be happy.

When I'm tired, I'm a suicidal, emotional wreck.  I'm all over the place, sad, hopeless.  I can't ever fucking sleep!  I've been meeting with a sleep doctor for the past 6 months, and I've slept better not because any of the strategies have worked, but because taking melatonin every day simply knocks me out.  I've built up a tolerance, though, and now it doesn't knock me out anymore.  

I'm wide awake at 4AM wondering what drug they'll put me on next.  I'm scared of what hardcore sleeping pills will do to my brain and body.  I'm also worried I might deliberately overdose on a bad day -- it's a readily available means to die, and that scares me.  I don't want to die yet.  I want to sleep all the time, play pokemon on my emulator, and work on getting back into shape with someone supervising me constantly.  I want to become a national champion in my favorite hobby.  I want power and money in my career.  I want to be loved, even though I know it's not realistic for a monster like me.  

But honestly, right now I just want the ability to sleep whenever I want.  The other things may not fall into place after that, but I'll be happier again.  I can't live like this.  I just don't know how many more of these nights I can take...