Hey guys! 
This is going to be a long post. I am crying rn and i feel miserable. 

I am an older brother to three siblings two of which have mental ilness. They won't be able to provide for themselves

7 years ago, my mom got stroke. I was born very smart and gifted. I thought i will be going to help my dad to provide for my family. 
I studied hard in high school, and i git a scholarship to study abroad in STEM. I came to the US, and i hot multiple degrees.

Three years ago, i smoked marijuana and i got an exteremely bad trip. However, the day after, i did not get any affects. Then, a year after that i smoked again and i got the same trip, but this one's effect lasted with me. For the first week i was shaking. The first few months i could not sleep at night. I have had extreme bad anxiety. I am sared to get the bad trip which is extremely scary. I feel i am on the verge to get  in this bad trip. I feel i am schezefronic and i don't to be one. 

It is been a year and half since my last trip, but i feel i would get in this trip if i entertain my thoughts. 

I am now back in my country waiting my job next month. I am crying. I cant look at my mom. It will make me sad. I have not told anyone. 

I am anxious. I feel i will be psychotic. This last year, my grandpa became schezphrnic. 


I am really sad for my family. If i became schezphronic, i wikl be burden on my dad whose everything is on him. I feel disappointment. I feel bad. I am not a crier. I dont think i have cried before themarjuana accidnt. 

I am anxious sad dissappointed and