 

I feel so much shame that it is giving me physical pain and stress to my mind, so I really need your help. I'm too ashamed to say the exact thing I did, but it is akin to littering at someone's garden - let's say it is, that way it would be easier for me to tell my story.

So for the past few years, I have been littering at someone else's garden at night. Even though the rubbish bin is right outside my room, I am afraid of going outside and coming across my father whom I am afraid of. So instead, I chose to throw the garbage outside my window, off an apartment building, and it would land into my neighbor's garden. And finally yesterday, the police came knocking. My parents were told that the police have been filming my windows for the past month, and found that I have been the culprit.

After getting found out, I am very ashamed by this. I am also ashamed by the fact I only felt regret when I got found out. I always knew this is the wrong thing to do, but I guess I have continued doing so because my fear of my father trumps my rationality. I thought the "instant/short term" benefit (of not coming across my father right outside my door) trumps the potential consequences (the "small and distant" chance of getting found out).

For the past days, I have been getting berated by my father (rightfully so), which makes it even more difficult for me to move on.

I am very, very ashamed. I want to move on. But every time I am reminded of the incident by my random thoughts, I just want to silence them so bad. It physically hurts me. This incident obviously also made my parents lost their respect for me, but also it makes me lose respect for myself. I am so stupid. I am starting to doubt whether I am a person that even deserves respect at all.

Please help.