Ever since I got into this relationship my mental health has been deteriorating. I was doing so well, and now I've taken a 180 and am falling back into the worst of it. Why does this have to happen? I thought I was better. I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this besides short outbursts, but instead I've relapsed and fallen face first into this. All the symptoms and struggles are back and my emotions are so strong they hurt. Suicidal thoughts and urges are assaulting me, self-destructive thoughts and impulses to hurt myself are growing stronger. Every day it's something; "throw yourseld in front of the bus", "swallow all your meds and get drunk", "sneak out and get someone to kill you/hurt you, you deserve to be hurt", "lock the door and hang yourself", "jump out of the car", "jump off the state highway and into the river". Little insignificant things send me spiralling into an emotional fit and meltdown that's disproportionate for the situation. Idolization to hatred to adoration to hatred, it's so endless.

I don't understand why this is happening. He thinks I'm doing so well still, since I hide it as best I can. He wouldn't want to be with me if he knew that I was relapsing so hard. I put him through hell for too long, he doesn't deserve another batch of this. I don't deserve him and he's too good for me, but I don't want him to leave. I didn't think that getting into a relationship would hurt so badly; I had no plans to be in one in the first place, but I opened up and am trying. And here I am. Traumas returning full force, BPD and depression taking over, anxiety skyrocketing. I wish this wasn't happening.