I have literally cried before writing this post and reading other forums because I actually relate so much. I guess it isn't typical for someone to think they have it? But I do and it's scaring me. I do have a mental health appointment on Tuesday for anyone who may say go seek help.

What really started this who thing was my boyfriend breaking up with me because I cant control myself when I'm angry. I do try my best but it always gets the best of me. It really caused me to look myself in the mirror. I've always felt like something was wrong with me growing up. I didnt speak in school until the 7th grade. I lived with my mom who has Bi polar and dissociative personality. My childhood was not nice basically. I have all these things I feel are wrong with me. My boyfriend was so loving and caring and it hurt me that I hurt him. I would create narratives that weren't there and I didnt realize until after the fact. I was extremely moody. According to him I always saw him as the enemy and tried to push him away. I have the hardest time forgiving people. I stopped talking to my bestfriend, a close friend and my boyfriend breaking up with me all in less than 3 months. I feel alone and like I am the problem and Im the reason I can't maintain any relationships. I have a tendency to look for things that arent there and start a problem and I wont realize it until it's too late. I literally self sabotage. And this me talking now looking back at everything I 've gone through. With my 2nd ex I was so explosive and hot and cold, I created a toxic relationship but at the time I was blaming everything on him. I always feel alone for some reason. Im almost always sad, I never smiled in childhood pictures. I always ostracized myself for fear of people judging me for whatever reason. I live in my head. This is the first I can actually say and type any of this in my 25 years of life. I've always thought something was off but then I would brush it off like " theres no way Im just angry i'll get over it".  When I am stressed out or angry I can be extremely impulsive like just get up or just go drive endlessly with no destination. Theres so many more things I can say I feel are wrong with me that may resonate with BPD, but I'd be here all day. I haven't given an back story on my childhood, but you can ask. I've never had a stable parent figure in my life like ever and I've had to fend for myself. The scariest part for me is the anger, maybe it's all built up because I dont express myself and I internalize everything? Idk. Guess I will find out. I am just aware something is wrong with me and I want help now.

Sorry for the rambling and being all over the place, I have anxiety right now and can't really keep my thoughts together and clear. Anyways if you read all of this thank you.