When I have my emotional outbursts they can last minutes, hours or even days.  I recently got stuck somewhere with nothing to do during one and a notepad.  Often when I'm at the doctor I find I can't tell them how I felt this week or even the day before.  So the other night i wrote everything down as quickly as I could, it is by no means good writing but rather frantic.

"I'm writing to remind myself.  By tomorrow I will forget these exact feelings.  Each day it feels like I lose a small amount of emotion.  The void that is left behind fills with more hopelessness the following day.  I've lost so much emotion that the glass is near full of it.  The hopelessness spills out when I stumble, I can see it seep into those around me.  Most people don't see it or perhaps can't comprehend and understand.  I see it in their eyes, always the same exact look; momentary sadness, confusion, but never understanding.  I feel as if the only people that do understand may haver already taken their life.  I look in the mirror and see a hollow shell of what used to be.  The more I look and think the more I wonder if there ever was more to me.  I always strive to be who I was in the past, but not even that person was real.  Who am I?  Have I always been this hollow?  Every once in a while I catch a glimmer in my eyes, it keeps me going temporarily until the light flickers out like a matchstick fizzling out.

I'm always grasping for the next shred of happiness hoping it will help stave off the inevitable.  Don't know where to look anymore.  Seeing old friends, emotional attraction, physical attraction, an adrenaline rush, drugs, alcohol, or old.."

I tore up the bottom so I don't remember what else it said.  Like I said its not good writing just how I felt in the moment.  I read it again when I calmed down a few days later (yesterday), and I cried so much.  I wish I would write more often when I feel like this, but I know in the moment its never something I think about and may have been a one time thing.  I'm going to continue to try.  Bringing this to the doctor and showing them since when I'm there I always have such a hard time expressing myself.