
Idk what i did. They said being born human is a boon. They said I'm lucky that God gave me this life? What is so lucky ab this? When all that ever happens to me is dying or wanting to die everyday? When all i ever think of is ways to end it all and destroy myself? Idk what i ever did to deserve this so called "boon" in the first place when all i got was suffering. Idk why am I so easy to abandon. Idk why am I so bad and worthless for everything. Idk why would anyone ever want me because of how horrible of a human i am. Couldn't be a good human, let alone me being a good son or a friend. The thought of me being with someone for my entire life makes me feel so sorry for that someone because no one deserves someone as shitty as me. I wish I didn't exist at all but idk what i did to exist. Maybe in all actuality this life is nothing but a punishment. Which i have to live till my last breath everyday; even though it kills me, it actually doesn't and that makes me cry. Cry for death to finally come and take me away from everything. Idk what i fucking did to be this miserable. But what i do know is that I deserve it. Always will. No matter what anyone says. Because no one knows me better than me. I hate myself more than everything. Wish God could see me through my eyes and give someone more deserving my spot. I wish I could yell this out loud. But I'm too afraid to. Because i don't want anyone not even god himself to worry about me. I deserve no care whatsoever. I will try to do my best for others in that way no matter what because ik how shitty it is to feel what I feel everyday. Existing itself just physically hurts me really bad at the point. And I don't want anyone to go through this, never would. I'm just here for others at the point, i don't want them cry because of me, but i feel like they already do by just me being here everyday. It's a dilemma between living or dying. And i feel like dying would be the right choice as each day and year passes. I wish I could go as the way i wanted, embraced in her arms caressing her cheek one last time before I was all gone; but deep down i knew a person like me never deserved a death as beautiful as that. So here I am right now, writing this note because I can't literally open up to anyone. All i ever wish to God right now is a death as dreadful and cold as it ever would be. A death where I'm all alone on the cold floor with no comfort whatsoever, a death where I'm soaked in my own blood, a death where each and every part of my body yearns to give up living and finally die, a death where I can feel my heart beating and slowly getting cold, a death where I see that one last glance of a dark starless night sky, a death where I'm never found, a death where I'm never cremated or buried, a death where I'm quickly forgotten, a death where my hands are cold and empty, a death where I'm sent to hell, a death where I'm just lying in a pool of blood, cold and in pain soon to be lifeless. I wish nobody knew me. I wish I never existed :)