I was just diagnosed with BPD last month and was diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) last year. My existence is miserable. I just want this to be over. I attempted suicide in high school like 6 years ago and I saw how much it hurt my family. And that has always been my reason for not doing it again. Until recently, over the last few years, I’ve started feeling like I don’t fit in with my family. They’re incredibly supportive and have always tried to understand me. But I just don’t fit in anymore. I have nothing to talk to them about. I feel like everyone has an identity and a value they bring to a group setting, but I don’t have any of that. I’m just an observer. They’ve expressed to me how deeply they want me alive and try to get better. But to be honest I simply don’t. I’ve tried to get better hundreds of times and only ended up worse than when I started. Last year, I ruined a loving and healthy relationship I had with the most loving and understanding person I’ve ever met. Only bc I found a new FP (a friend not romantic) and ignored my relationship with her. Unfortunately, my relationship with that FP ended horribly and I haven’t talked to them in almost a year. So now I’m left with no one. I’ve gained 80lbs, I hate the way that I look. I’m embarrassed about everything I am. The things I’ve done, the things I’m interested in, etc. All I do now is go to work and come home and get high. Getting high isn’t even enjoyable to me anymore. I always end up doing to much and it’s a completely dysphoric experience. I just need this to end soon.