Hi everyone, 

I don't know if this post will be deleted but regardless; I need to vent.  
I've known that I have BPD for about 7 years now, and honestly, I thought I had it under control.

For years I've been isolating myself (even though I'm 23 and should be socializing), but for 4 weeks I've been talking to a guy. He's really nice, cute, etcetera. Everything is going great yet my panic attacks and mood swings are all over the place. It hasn't been this bad in years. I'm trying to keep myself together and to keep myself from 'splitting', but damn it's hard.

I hate myself for dating this guy, I should have never started it. Now all I see when I look at him is the man who eventually will break my heart and my sanity.  Hell, while writing this he sends me a sweet message that he's excited to see me again this afternoon. Yet all I feel is anxiety and even anger.

I can't stand the fact that I've been working for YEARS to get where I am, for a cute man to mess it all up again. I don't want to be this dependent but I simply don't know how to 'not be this sensitive'.

I'm trying a lot of new (scary) things to cope with this; I'm open to my friends, I talk with my therapist. Yet I can't seem to escape this fucking shitshow.

&amp;#x200B;

I don't know why I'm posting this but I guess I just needed to vent. Sorry for the bad English, I'm not a native speaker. Thanks to anyone who read it.