CW: Mentions of weight issues and body dysmophia.

&amp;#x200B;

I've gained some weight this year due to ~~virus~~ various reasons and I, having BDD also, obsess over my looks constantly and feel a lot of guilt and shame about my body.

Anyways, my partner, who hears the barrage of horrible things I think about my body p much daily, looks over at a video I was watching and asks, "Do you think *THAT* girl is fat?" Probably to prove a point, somehow, that I'm not "fat." 

However, and maybe I'm a fucked up, bad person with a twisted view of the world, I *DO* think that this person I'm watching is "fat." Well, "fatter" than I'd like to be anyway. I'm a terrible woman to think these things of other women, or support (subconsciously) the gross expectations of what women "should" look like. But when it comes to my insecurities, being compared to someone who doesn't fit my skewed vision of what I NEED to look like, I'm triggered. This woman in the video looks fine. She looks great! The video had literally nothing to do with her weight or appearance. But I couldn't even finish it without spewing toxic comments at my partner, being really hurt and hateful that he compared me to her, and saying and thinking just horrible things about my body and my self-worth. 

Now I'm depressed and anxious, obsessing over something that hurts, thinking things like if I even deserve to eat dinner if I'm going to be a worthless, lazy, piece of shit and not lose weight. or that I shouldnt even let people see me, I'm so grotesque. and that my partner should be with somebody who is actually attractive and didn't let herself go.

UGH. Sorry for how I am.