But the alternative is just as uncomfortable.

Today is my mom's 70th birthday and all of her kids and their families traveled to see her and spend Christmas weekend with her...except me.

I had planned on going, but as I spiral further into this month-long episode, and as the PMS builds, and as the sciatica is starting to flare back up...I just couldn't follow through.

But those things aren't the real reason. Sure, I'd have to fly instead of drive, but I could just pop a couple pain meds and chill for a 2 hour flight. I could manage the PMS...

What I can't manage is another year of being single, esp during this holiday. My baby bro just got married and I would be the odd person out, as is becoming the norm. It is so incredibly painful and I can't bear to be around all these couples anymore. I am happy for my bro as he is kind and sensitive and funny and smart and deserves love. And I'm also resentful. I feel so fucking lonely...and impulsive. 

I am already regretting not being there, but I also know if I go I will be miserable and ruin others' holidays. I want to feel 'normal'...I want to be able to be there and be happy for everyone, and with everyone. But I can't. I just can't. I fucking hate this disorder.