I was diagnosed as BPD a few years ago during a bad breakup. It was something I had long suspected but had always resisted therapy of any kind. I was put on antidepressants for a time and while they did help me disconnect from the thing that was causing the major emotional pain, they also made me want to do nothing but sleep so I eventually stopped taking them after only a couple months.

For the past year or so I've been doing...better. I've been more emotionally stable overall and haven't noticed needing to fight off my BPD traits as much as I have needed to in the past. It seemed like somehow I worked through them and learned some self control and how to regulate myself from flying off the handle. I'm not perfect with it, but most people within mental health communities generally didn't guess that I have BPD because I seem to control it alright.

That brings me to today, though. I haven't been sleeping very well for the past week or so and I was talking about taking some Ativan to at least make me sleepy because I've become kind of desperate. I ended up snapping at someone I care about so much just because they said that I shouldn't do it (I actually had come to that conclusion on my own and didn't take them prior to the conversation with this person). It was vicious, and it was like I couldn't stop myself from lashing out. I just don't know why this time I couldn't control it. I thought I was doing so well with regulating myself and this just makes me feel like I'm a screwed up kid again and I can't control myself. I know he just wanted to help me and I completely overreacted and hurt him.

I don't know what I'm really asking here. I guess I just needed to get it out because I feel really guilty about how I acted and I know even with apology I can't undo the damage it causes. I'm even more terrified that the control I've had over lashing out will lessen more and I'll just get worse. I don't want to do that do the people I care about. 