I’m 23 years old and have struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was 13. 

I’m fortunate. My mother was really thoughtful when I first attempted suicide. We got help from doctors, worked together on my self-esteem and mental health, all of that. But it never really stopped. Around 8 years have passed since, but I still think about it every day. 

At some point during the day, I’ll randomly start thinking about jumping out the balcony, taking pills, or getting my hands on a gun and shoot myself in the head. 

It’s gotten to the point I’m used to it. Whenever it happens I just let the feeling fill me. I know what’s next, I’ll isolate, sleep all day, procrastinate every responsibility I have, stop eating and showering. This will go for a few days until I’m stressed enough to force myself into working, eating and taking a shower. 

Then I pray for all the accumulated work to keep me distracted. Just enough until I’m caught up with everything and back into the cycle. 

I used to feel scared of dying after considering suicide in my dark episodes. 

Now I don’t. 

I feel like I could depersonalize to the point I won’t care or feel anything if I decide to go through with it. 

I feel selfish, my life is far from bad or miserable. I feel non-stop guilt for wanting to die so bad.