I never had the best relationship with my siblings growing up. I never connected to them nor did I feel like I ever had an older sibling to look up due to this fact. I've always struggled with them but during quarantine I got closer with my older sibling. I sent her messages and memes and she sent them back. I really appreciated it and realised we were finally starting starting get close for the first time, like actual siblings. She had to move back home in August due to the UK covid strain and she was only planning to stay here for maybe two months. But since the issue kept getting worse it went from two months to who knows at this point. All I knew was that I was having the time of my life finally having something I longed for and never had my whole entire life. I finally had someone to depend on. She was one of the first people to point out how I should get checked for autism and helped me through the process. If my parents didn't understand something I did she took the time to explain. I did end up getting that diagnosis thanks to her and after I did she was the best help I had ever gotten. I did have breakdowns in front of her and was scared she would hate me but she never did. She was always there for me. For the first time I felt like someone in my family understood me to some extent and cared since my uncle passed away in 2019. I constantly went into her room to show her a stupid meme or if I just wanted to rant about my special interest. She was always there. The best friend and older sibling I longed for my entire life was finally there. I knew she was eventually gonna leave but my stupid brain wouldn't process that, until today. When she left. The overbearing pain is too much to handle. Knowing I'll never get back something I forgot to appreciate in the moment is killing me. The pain of her leaving feels like I died a thousand times at once. Maybe even more painful than that. I have no idea what to do at this point. I'll never get this back ever. She's gone and will only visit during Christmas. I of course will look back at the memories and feel comfort but at the same time I know that's not true. All I'll feel is pain. I really miss her and it hasn't even been an hour.