I just have this deep sense of anger and sadness. I feel like I did not stand a chance at a happy, stable life as an adult. Both of my parents have inevitably traumatized and hurt me in so many ways, they are both emotionally immature and I struggle deeply with feelings of inadequacy, shame and social anxiety. So many of the people that were supposed to protect me have only hurt me and abused me. The people closest to me were my grandparents, and they have both become incredibly sick in the last few year. My grandmother suffered a stroke, and my grandfather has advanced liver and kidney disease. 

Over the years my relationship with my siblings has become strained, my older younger brother is condescending towards me. I feel like I can never have a conversation with him as I always feel like he is trying to size me up and make me feel bad about myself. 

I don’t think I am a bad person, I don’t go out of my way to hurt others, so why have I had to go through so many painful experiences? Why has life been so painful and lonely? 

These past few days my depression has only worsened and has manifested as this extreme fatigue, I wake up still feeling exhausted, my eyelids are heavy and it hurts to move sometimes, my head feels foggy and I feel disconnected from the world. 

I have no excitement for life, I don’t know how to kill myself, if I even should. I just have no motivation, or strength to keep going. I don’t see how any of this can get better for me. I am 24 and have never had a romantic relationship, because of my sexuality coupled with my avoidant tendencies it feels like I am bound to be single for the rest of my life. I graduated college during the pandemic and was recently laid off from my customer support job and suffering from severe burn out. I have never felt so lost in my life, every day feels like the last, I feel like I am just a spectator in this world. I have such crippling self doubt, hatred and anxiety, I don’t see how I can improve or how I can live a life worth living. I just want to give up, there is just no hope. I feel like I was never given a chance anyway as my parents are severely traumatized and poor. 

A part of me resents them for being so selfish and having a child. What did they honestly think would happen? I don’t know what I am asking for—maybe this is a plea for help, maybe I just needed to rant. 

I currently don’t have insurance and can’t get my hands on anti-depressants yet, not sure if I could hold on much longer. Life is so painful, I just feel like I am screaming into a void, and no one can hear me.