Quick background on myself. I’m 29 yo and I’ve had BPD, depression, and GAD for about 15 years. I’ve been in and out of psychiatric hospitals since I was 22. I’ve been on many different types of anti depressants and anti psychotics.

To make a very, very long story short (as short as I can), my boyfriend of almost 1 year officially broke up with me a month and a half ago. Wanted to feel less suffocated, wanted space, was unhappy. I gave him space. He came back because he missed me and wanted sex. This cycle continued for about 5 weeks. He wanted space and to be left alone and then realized he missed me and loved me and wanted to be intimate then wanted space again and so on. Almost 2 weeks ago him and I got into an argument. I said a lot of really mean things to him that I wish I never said. He told me it was completely over between us. He said he didn’t want to see or speak to me ever again and was going to cut contact and try dating others and move on. I did everything I could to get him not to. I cried, I begged, I told him things would get better, I told him how much I truly loved him, how sorry I was for everything I ever did to hurt him and make him feel less than he was. He kept telling me it was done. It was completely over. He no longer loved me. I broke. I snapped. I told him I couldn’t do it without him. I couldn’t live without him. I never said the words “I am going to kill myself.”, but what I said I guess made him believe I was going to try. I told him I was sorry for everything and that I will always love him and I blocked him. I deactivated my FB and logged out of all other social media and turned my phone off. I self harmed.

It has been almost 2 weeks since that day. I have still not been on social media. I tried reaching out to him 5 days ago and he told me I was insane, psycho, toxic, disgusting, pathetic, and to leave him alone forever. He told me I was no longer the girl he fell in love with and he was going to move on and find someone that wasn’t a crazy bitch. He blocked me. I contacted a mutual friend and she told me almost exactly the same thing as him. That I was insane, toxic, pathetic, and disgusting and that she never wanted to be in contact with me ever again and blocked me.

12 days. 12 days I have cried hysterically multiple times every day. 12 days I have barely eaten. 12 days I have slept as much as I can. 12 days I have not been able to go to work and I have lost my job. 12 days I think about killing myself multiple times every day. 12 days I have had multiple anxiety attacks and panic attacks to where I vomit and become debilitated and almost pass out.

12 days...how many more days must I bare this...I need help. I want him back. I want to go back to when everything was perfect. We were perfect. Please someone help me.