I want to. I really, really want to. I don't want to be like this forever. I want to tell somebody want I'm going through, I want to take a break, I want to get help. But every time I think of talking to someone I feel like the most pathetic, piece of shit person ever. More than anyone else I want to tell my partner. I feel terrible just saying "I'm tired" or "I'm a little down today, but I'll be okay" when what I really mean is "I'm having thoughts of suicide again. I'm dangerously close to relapsing. I don't think I should be left alone." But I don't want to worry them. They already do so much for me and they have their own things going on. I don't want to add my own stupidity onto it. 

I just... I don't know. I feel horrible and I have for a long, long time. But I thought I was getting better. This is the worst I've felt and for the longest time in almost two years. I was supposed to be getting better. Now I just feel horrible and lonely and not safe with myself again. I dont know where to turn. I dont know if I can ever get over the self inflicted shame of seeking help. I wish I could just rot in bed