TW 
This has been the most difficult year of my life. I always knew I struggled with depression and anxiety, but this year it was taken to a new level. December 17th 2020 I found my mother after she committed suicide. I’m only 17 and to find my mother’s motionless body hanging in my childhood, backyard shed was the most traumatic experience of my life. A friend of mine who was more than a friend helped me through the death of my mother. I slept at his house that night and I was truly in love with him. But as time went on, my depression got worse, and so did his. He always struggled badly with mental illness and that’s what we connected over. After my mother, I was no longer myself. I was afraid of everyone abandoning me like my mother, especially him. He was easily my FP and I could feel him fading away. He went to the hospital for 2 weeks and after that he stopped talking to me pretty much, which I understood and was okay with. But then I had to see him at school and I completely lost it. He sat across from his ex who said the meanest things about me and wished harm on me. I went to the mental hospital that night and it was just as traumatic as my mom. I haven’t told anyone in my life because I’m too afraid to talk about it and it’s too hard to talk about, but I was sexually assaulted there. I was also diagnosed with BPD the week before going, but my therapist disagreed and said I might have bipolar 2. I only spent one night at the hospital before I appealed my 72 hour hold as i voluntarily went . But I only came back to see him with his ex at my senior ball. Still in shock from the assault I was hysterical and completely detached from reality. I haven’t heard from him at all and I wish I could hate him since he treated me so poorly, but I do miss him. I go to college in the next week, but I still have some of his clothes and stuff. I feel like he doesn’t deserve a text or anything from me, but again, I miss him. What do I do?