The other day, I was feeling down, so I assured myself, "I'm gonna keep going no matter what, and I'm gonna live a long life." For some reason, saying that struck dread into me. I don't want to live even another decade if it means suffering through this again and again for hundreds of days. I always thought of suicide as how I'm going to die. 

One of the main reasons I can't kill myself is my history in Christianity, and as silly as it might sound to others, I still think I'm going to suffer in hell if I end my own life. I feel trapped.