Avoiding therapy for 17 years. I was last diagnosed with BPD; since I've been untreated for so long, is it safe to assume that after so many years, I'm still considered to have the condition? I'd imagine I'd be reevaluated once I actually get into an appointment...

(2) things I want to mention off the bat:

* 3 years I was very close to checking myself in. Spend the next day calling 30+ places in a row, just to be told no one was taking new patients... despite the insurance site saying they were ;/
* Spent an hour yesterday calling places... Literally all voicemail. It was around 2-3pm. No help, just like 3 years ago, very nice. Whatever. I'll keep trying on Monday.

I have quite a few close friends who've mentioned that it is, indeed, normal to experience some difficulty obtaining an appointment. That is really disheartening to hear, considering how much emphasis everyone puts into MeNtAl HeAlTh beInG So ImPorTaNt that I've started to accept that it's a matter of being able to pull through on shitty ass days.

It's getting pretty intolerable, and I hate the fact I'm being a shitty person to people I care about. Ex: I didn't realize I ignored a good friend for a couple of days, I don't want to talk to family at all, and I've left a message unread from a cousin for (2) weeks.

So here's a few big concerns of mine with getting professional help:

* I hate the thought of monetary and mental expense just to be disappointed if a therapist or medication is not right for me - I've read all over the place about people '*finally* finding the right therapist/medication', and friends have had the same experience.
* Some days, I feel very proud as if I'm able to realize the root of certain issues if I take a few moments and think to myself. Therapy is a matter of reflecting and finding your own conclusions, yeah? So why pay someone to sit there while you do that ;/
* Sometimes I accept my emotions and wait it out, instead of frantically trying to push them away. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't... I try to reassure myself that it's just a **bad fucking day**.

I have a bunch of unresolved issues overall I really want to get over. I feel like I have the answers to them, but don't at the same time. I just don't even know how it is remotely possible to accept what has happened in the past when I've simply done fucking nothing but exist. Why should I go through all this shit to fix myself when it's other people who have hurt me? It pisses me the fuck off.

Anyway... I'm still going to try because I've been a mental mess and it's exhausting. :(

I'd like to know the following if your condition has improved significantly..

* Do you take medication/how long did it take to find the right medication? - This is something I very well may give into
* How often do you see a therapist/how long did it take you to find the right therapist?
* Did you do Cognitive Behavior Therapy? If so, did that help drastically? I'm getting mixed opinions from friends, but I've never tried.

Thanks in advance an beee wellllllllll  💖