I have always been so close with my mum as I was born with a dislocated hip so she carried me around until I was 3. We are still really close and she still treats me as though I’m her little girl. She was always depressed when I was a child so I always tried to cheer her up and make her happy. Me and my dad have a good relationship now but he was jealous when I was a teenager about how close we were and blamed me for their awful arguments and stormed out of the house and I didn’t think he loved me. From being a teenager I tried to get guys attention and slept with a lot of men hoping one of them would like me and stay with me. This went on through my 20s until I had my drink spiked and was raped and then I stopped. Fast forward 8 years and I’ve been with someone for 4 years now but our relationship can be toxic. He isn't the best with money, he gambles occasionally and he can get angry with me. I've always been very sensitive and insecure and I think I'm pushing him past the point of no return at the moment. I've had emotional problems since being about 11 and have recently at the age of 36 been diagnosed with BPD after having been referred to a psychologist. We are engaged and I'm scared of getting married or having a child the way I am. I'm not violent but I have the urge to harm myself a lot and used to, I feel afraid and anxious constantly, I question him constantly about everything, I have severe trust issues, I push him for more answers even once he's answered, I make issues out of everything he does, stop him leaving the house in the middle of an argument and I make an issue if he ever wants to go out. Now before you say it, I know it's abusive and manipulative and honestly when I'm like that it's like I think I'm right, I hate him and like I'm somewhere else in my head. When I'm stable, I love him and we get on great and things are good. I feel so much shame about who I am and what I do and how hard I'm making  his life but I feel so attached I don't know how to stop controlling him and how to start focusing on my own life and making things better. Please can anyone help me with some advice.