Sorry if this is garbled, I'm running on five hours of sleep and two days of no food.

So, for now, I am on my stepmom's insurance, which is going to change in a couple months when I turn 26. That's a whole other ballgame that I'm not going to get into that I'm fucking terrified about.

Anyway. I had to stop seeing her because even though my copay is a measly $30 per session, I often don't have any extra money after bills, groceries, etc. 

Also, about not trusting her.... well. That could just be me. But there was a time we talked on the phone when I told her I was in need of serious help, I needed to dig deep so I can dredge up all the crap that is buried away and start working on it. I told her I was trying to seek out a therapist that specializes in BPD, or try psychotherapy. There's another type of therapy, an acronym, that I can't think of, not CBT but more intensive. I mentioned that to her as well. She almost instantly refuted that and said that what she does could also be beneficial to me, that I shouldn't bother looking elsewhere, etc. So, I'm sure she's not wrong, but she seemed a little defensive. I didn't like that. There was other times in sessions with her that I expressed to her I felt a major lack of trust toward her, and instead of her addressing it, she'd just move on to something else. I didn't like that, either. Again, it's possible I'm just being paranoid, but it felt wrong. And I can't afford it, which I told her. 

I miss my previous therapist. She's across the country, so she's not an option, but she was GOOD. She spaced out some details of my life sometimes, which bothered me, but she dug real deep, real fast. I dreaded going to see her sometimes because she was on point with me. She knew what was going on, she knew where in my brain to go, so to speak. She pissed me off a lot because she was right. I need THAT kind of therapy.

I'm wondering if free therapy is a thing. Because I really, desperately need to be in therapy.