Kinda just wanna end it all tbh, mom always telling me to be better than dad and brother because they are a lost cause. Father who has no aspiration in life and just content with the bare minimum and many other things that i will rather not talk about because cant be bothered to point all his flaws. I give him respect just because he is my father but i do not look at him as a father figure, he is not someone i can be proud to call dad. So all my life i didnt have a father figure to look up to and teach me things this probably why I was such a pussy when i got bullied in school and didnt fight back. Moving on to my brother, we were semi close growing up but then his sudden change of behavior due to drugs and ect made me lose respect to him. I never forget the time he pointed a knife to my face when i was in elementary school. nowadays this guy is generally an thorn and a embarrassment to my family. He stopped talking to my mother and straight out avoiding her at all cost in our house. this guy would run a the sight of my mother probably because his mind got so fucked up by drugs. this guy would throw tantrums and so and so. This guy is on his 30's or something around that age because i didnt care shit about him. I can just continue describing their shenanigans but this will take too long so lets end it there to say the least. 

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I find it fucking unfair to that they get to enjoy their fucking whole lives being pieces of shit and causing trouble for our family while i am pressured to succeed to support our family in the future after im done with college. Am i selfish to say that i just want  to live my life without any pressure and just do whatever and  i want and pursue my interest. I find it fucking unfair that my mother is pressuring me to succeed make our shitty lives less miserable. i just want to end it all tbh but im too much of pussy to kill  myself. there are a lot of details of i left since i dont want this  to be super long but you can believe me that i am not lying about the bums i mentioned in this post.