My FP is my ex and we have broke up since December last year, he completely cut off his life. 

In the meantime I suffered a lot, because of covid I had to give up therapy and my medication since online therapy didn’t work, I live alone so I was irresponsible with my eating disorder too. Anyway the past month I decided to eat healthier, exercise every time I was thinking about self harm and am applying to volunteer in some countries who are needing volunteers bc of covid shortening their staff. I’m trying to keep things cool and stay “positive”, I do cry a lot but that’s it, I keep carrying my DBT work book. I’m proud of myself. 

But the way things badly ended with my FP burdens me, make my heart heavier and I hate the thought of someone thinking I’m a bad person because of my BPD. So I reached to him asking if we could talk every now and then, so things would end in a better way and it would be better for both of us, we live in different countries, so I just wanted like small normal talks but he kept ignoring me and I get frustrated and spam him asking why, asking what I did wrong, because I was so careful with my words and he is just rude, cold and mean, I don’t know. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day and he is probably frustrated but it is our common ground aka stop talking so I can’t do any other way. 

My friends say I have a good heart and carrying all the bad my FP did to me and we did to one another just make my heart darker and heavier, I don’t want to feel like this forever every time I look back, I just want to accept my past and turn it into growth and not let a relationship with someone I adored end up with hate and indifference. 

Like he ignores me and if I double message he goes like “I don’t have the obligation to reply to you and you don’t have a right to get a reply” and he says he doesn’t believe I can be controlled and that I’m leaning on him if I expect an answer. I’m so frustrated and lost, but I really want it to end on decent terms but I can’t be a punching bag either. I doubt myself every day and it’s so hard without medication and therapy, I’m three weeks without being suicidal and self harming. 


Please don’t come and say I need to stay away from him and all, I know that and I’m working on it, it’s just hard when you have only your FP and other friends who’s phone is broken and is a frontline worker.