I love my friends, I care about them and want them to be happy and succeed in life. I love my kids, I'd protect them with my life. I love my dog. But when it comes to saying, "I'm in love" or "I've fallen in love," or "I'm in love with you," that's where my certainty comes to a complete stop.

I always joked that I fall in love easy and often, that I fall in love with everyone. But I don't think I have a clue what love is. I feel like my feelings are too tainted by and too wrapped up in trauma and mental illness to ever be real or pure. If someone shows me the slightest bit of attention, I latch onto them. If they keep giving me attention, then I think I'm in love with them. Or, I used to think that. Now I just think I'm in love with being loved. That I just don't want to be alone, or that I just want the attention.

And then you have all those things saying "it's not love if you think you can't live without them," and lists all the signs of unhealthy codependent relationships and yeah, I think that's been every "relationship" I've ever had. Even friendships. If I feel strongly about someone, that's just what happens. 

I have strong feelings for someone right now. We talk constantly. We care for each other. There are sexual aspects. I've known her almost a year. But I am terrified to say I'm in love with her because what if it's not real? What if it's just fear of abandonment and childhood neglect and idealizing posing as love?

I know no one can tell me how I really feel, but I need to know I'm not alone in not being able to tell the difference between love and symptoms of mental illness.