First time they had me on olazorapoam Zyprexa. It was awful. 

If you make music and use a DAW, you know what happens when you place a limiter right? 
Like you know the volume does get much higher but it's obvious a roof has been placed. 

That's what these meds feel like. I feel like I can think much more than I can when I'm on these meds. My father had a hear attack whilst I was on the meds, it felt awful. It was like I couldn't maintain my emotions. I felt so dead and lifeless. No reactions but at the same time I could react. It felt like I had to manually react rather than naturally. What the fuck

It destroys my creativity.
I cannot even rap on it. 



I'm too scared to go back to that feeling again. 

I dont know how you guys are doing well but I don't want this so called stability it sounds like bs. I want to be artistic and all the drugs have made me feel like is a total drone.


I know I need it but it's sacrificing something that means everything to you. If I cannot be creative, I'll commit suicide. 

After ending up in the psychward and experiencing the worst depression for a year straight, even now. I realized that if I can't do what I want to do without meds, it's highly unlikely I'll do it on meds.