i hate myself. i hate this. why does this exist. what is the point of getting triggered by stupid shit and losing your mind for hours or days?! i feel fucking crazy. i need to disappear. 

long story short: started seeing a new guy, started catching feels and told him i need to back off just a bit because of my bpd. he was understanding but also said he doesn't think it's fair that i can't make a commitment to him but he should to me, so he's still on the dating site. and he just fb friended a new lady. who is gorgeous. and more his type. and he's ignoring my one text message "you've already found someone better". 

and i'm losing it. i'm at work. and my heart is racing. and i can't concentrate. i'm not getting anything done. i can't think. i want him to message me. i want to run away. i want to block him and never see him again. i want him to tell me he only wants me and he'll delete her and every other one. i want to tell him to fuck off and to love me. 

i hate me so much.