Hi Everyone, I have something to get off my chest and I have been struggling with this a lot. I am a 25-year-old engineering student in Europe (a foreigner too, studying abroad) and have failed uni 5 times. With the system of this university, you can try as many times as you want, it has a requirement of passing 1 exam during the first enrollment and 2 exams each year after. I have been kicked out after my second enrollment studied again and took the admission test again. I got in and wasted 2 more [years.](https://years.Now) I just took my last exam of the year and am about to repeat my first year for the 6th time. Throughout these years, I only passed 3 exams...Now, why am I sharing this in r/depression?

When I first moved into this country, I was completely alone, I knew no one, I didn't even speak the national language, I was just out of high school and made an impulse decision to move here just because of the university. The uni has a great spot in the world's best universities list,  one of the best in the world for engineering, and as you read before, they are supportive of failures like me, I can't even complain about the university. I was (and still am) very passionate about my major, I always keep up-to-date on what is going on and what is new in my field. I love learning about how everything works and I was even ahead of my classmates for the first half of the semester (I found some old material published by the professors)

So I met my flatmate during my second day in this city. I was looking for a place to stay and complaining about it to my mom when suddenly a man approached us because he heard us speaking in our native language. Turns out her daughter was in my uni too and looking for a place to stay as well. We had very similar backgrounds and some acquaintances in common too, even though I didn't know her well, we got along fine and found a place to stay.

During my first week at the uni, I met people that were much older than me, some of them were repeating the year for the second-third time and I was quite shocked about me (irony, I know) and I heard that many students use the first year to travel around EU and have fun. I didn't make friends for months and my flatmate decided to go back to her country for 3 months and that is when the depression started...

I was all alone, in this country where I didn't know anyone, I didn't even speak the language in this dark cold house. I didn't even care about the exams cause I had the excuse "oh everyone fails their first year".I had to face everything bad that happened that I was avoiding all those years, how I almost died, how I didn't get into my dream university and decided to move here, my brother's handicap, my parents' financial issues, and how I was a huge burden to them, how my dad disowned me cause I wanted to study here. When you are all alone, your mind goes to very dark places, I had to start hiding the knives and keep away from the balcony.

This situation only got worse during my second year (repeating the first grade), I got very close to my flatmate, almost like a sister, my only friend here. We did everything together, when she was ill, I was right there taking care of her, when she was hurting I was there to help her. Her friends would come to our place often and I enjoyed spending time with them too, it was as if I was a part of their group too. Even though the bad thoughts were getting worse, I was able to hide them and enjoy the little moments we [had. My](https://had.My) flatmate realized that I was struggling one day and kept pushing me; I was weak so I started talking about my insecurities, just a small part...How she made plans with other people in front of me and asked me for advice on what to do...Just that because she thought I was angry at her so that was my excuse. I could sense something was wrong, she was very secretive after that conversation, she was afraid to be alone with me, and wouldn't even come home or talk to me. Then I discovered how she saw me as a jealous and vengeful failure. I found that out because I read through her text one day (i know, that is messed up,  but I needed to know if I could trust her). Until then, I never had a problem like that, I am from a very small town, very touristic, we were brought up right, no bullying, no alienating, just everyone getting along. I now realize that I grew up in a bubble. That hit me badly, I started questioning everything, does anyone love me, or even like me? My 2 best friends, my parents, anyone? Do I even matter?

And then it happened again, I failed and I was about to be kicked out so I pleaded my case to my uni (too many details there) and they let me stay. This time I truly had no one, my depression was at its peak, and I didn't find any motivation in life, I kept watching tv series, movies, and youtube, all day because whenever I stopped, there was this voice in my head telling me that I wasn't worth it and it would be much easier for everyone if just..you know. I just needed to numb myself every single day and I didn't tell anyone about my struggles. I thought they would just shame me, they would say "oh everyone almost finished uni, why can't you?!", my parents would be ashamed, even make me come back to my home country. I am not proud but I hid the reality from everyone else, they all thought I was just one year behind. I was able to pass one exam that year, I was over the moon, but 2 days after I passed that, I got kicked out of [uni so](https://uni.so) I transferred to another uni and studied for the admission test again. During this year, I started therapy and meds, I cried out of happiness the first time I took the med, and the voice was silenced.

In the middle of my prep process for the admission test, covid happened, I was living next to the biggest hospital in the city and this country has been hit the worst in the EU  (i think at this point you can guess where I am studying), my flatmate left again and even though, I knew she didn't like me, it was nice to have her and her friends around, it made me feel less alone. The hospital was so chaotic, with doctors going out the backdoor and crying, police stopping everyone and asking for "going to supermarket permits", a shortage of masks, and many people (including my parents) losing their [jobs. My](https://jobs.My) psychiatrist didn't work online so whatever process we made went to waste, I was back at square 1.

So I moved when remote learning became a thing, my flatmate wasn't coming back and stayed in this city. For the first time in my uni career, I had to make my own money, my parents were completely bankrupt and I only had 4 months of rent and expenses so I started to [work. It](https://work.It) wasn't easy at all at first, I was working as a freelance ESL teacher online, and making a name for myself took time but after 8 months, I was finally able to be completely financially free from my parents, and I was proud of myself. Also the house I was staying in consisted of many lovely international students, and we had so much fun, I was actually in a good state of mind, but managing work, uni, and my newfound social life took a toll on me, I only passed 2 exams that year.

The next year, 2021, I was making decent money, I moved to my own 2 room house, and I was working so much to be able to afford everything because I was charging such a small amount of money due to my lessons being online. I was still making a name for myself, I didn't study at all, didn't even try, I was so tired all the time because I had a very irregular schedule, and I was still in deep depression. I was at home all the time, working or numbing myself by watching videos or doing hobbies. Every exam session I went back to the uni, I saw 18-19-year-olds taking the exams with my passing. I was ashamed, a 25-year-old waste of oxygen, just sitting in the corner and waiting for the exam to start so I can fail for the millionth time.

And now we are here, my 5th failure and sixth chance... I want to do it this time, I want to succeed, I finally make a good amount of money, can pay my bills and rent, and expenses, I love my major, that is why I didn't quit, I want to work in my field soo much!! I want to finally pass to my second year so I can do projects, do my internship, and work in my field while I am [studying. I am sick and tired of lying to everyone that I have just a couple of exams left, I am sick of giving hope to my parents. Am](https://studying.Am) I just not cut out for this? Has anyone had to go through something similar? I know some of you may say "just quit and move on, continue with your current job" but that is not my passion, I want to work in my field, and I do! I want to finish this uni and hold that damn diploma in my hands!! I don't know if anyone will see this or even read this but if you do, I would appreciate some advice, thank you