He constantly says "I love you." He's off and on affectionate but it seems like I'm the one initiating the hug or hand holding or cuddling 9 times out of 10. Sex isn't really a thing anymore even though he's said I'm attractive and nothing is wrong. I annoy him by saying the most inane things because I don't have anything else to say. I always end up saying something that makes him mad. He thinks I'm sad all the time when I actually am doing better than the last few years and feeling incredibly guilty for it because my self-worth is completely skewed.

Of all the people in my life, of which there are very few, he's the one I want to be in like with for the rest of my life. I'm not sure when in the past 14 years it happened that we became roommates instead of best friends but it did. I'm on the verge of tears when I start thinking about it. Losing focus all the time. Long heavy sighs instead of normal breaths. Ugly crying when I get too lost in the thoughts and feels. Random body pains. Overthinking everything. Can I fix it? How do I need to change? Why can't I be psychic?? Stupid brain. And since I feel out of control I'm counting calories and hoping that doesn't escalate into another round of eating disorder happy sunshine fun time. 

It's just breaking my heart right now and turning my mind to mush. And it's stupid how much I care about what he or anyone thinks. I don't have the time or energy for this, it's like shaking my fist at the clouds.