Hi...I have done research on research on top of research wrote an4 page explanation in detail of why I feel like I am bpd for my therapist which I’ve only seen once cause I continue to postpone it...but. I am in this weird place. I just finally got out of a 4 year off and on relationship....we always had a sexual connection. We always had a connection of some sort.... And I think some days I think that he is a narcissist. But other days I question it because I am so fucked up mentally that maybe it was me that ruined everything. I feared him leaving constantly. And finally he did after hell and back. I’ve done some toxic shit in our relationship over sharing just wanting to be heard just wanting to get it all out to anyone I came into contact with ruining relationships ruining my own. N I still do it I over share. It makes me so fucking sick to my stomach I will say things then regret them as soon as I feel the relief of speaking them out. He’s now found his person...and it’s crushing me to my core. I told him that I hated her but it was jealousy inside of me. That I just couldn’t handle. And all he could say was I couldn’t see someone else love him and that I was spiteful.. I am struggling a lot I have days where I feel ok and then something happens to ruin and torment me for the rest of the next days...it’s an on and off switch some days I think I fucked up so bad he’s so amazing and perfect how could I have fucked this up with such a great guy. But I gas light the fuck out of myself because I have a gut wrenching feeling he is a narc. Every time I try to distance myself he’ll bring me back. And I try to accept he doesn’t want me I will FEEL every single bit of the breakup and destroy myself until the next time we see each other and we do it all over again. He’ll tell me I’m perefect in bed and it’ll get to my head. I will re think it all day...he went off on me on me before my birthday really bad..and then on my birthday messaged me happy birthday and I fucking fed off that like it was a drug. I genuinely love this guy but I can’t fucking seem to control myself I’m trying really hard. And that’s why I’m trying my hardest to accept he’s moved on??? I don’t know what I’m typing I just need somebody to tell me something. My family and friends all tell me the same shit. They are tired of me acting like it’s the end of the world. But they don’t get that it is when he leaves. And now he’s gone for good. And I can’t I don’t know how to feel this pain. I knew he wanted things to end but I just pushed it back because I didn’t wanna feel this pain. 

I haven’t had any fucking traumatic experiences as a child so some days I try to make myself believe nothings wrong with me but their is. N I feel like I shouldn’t be a fucking pussy when I haven’t been through childhood trauma.