I was at the store thirty minutes ago, waiting in line at the money center for a money order. I was getting the money order to pay rent. The line was super long when I first arrived. It took about thirty minutes for the line to go down a little bit. 

The cashier apologized to everyone, and claimed she was trying to get to us as quickly as possible. The customer behind me responded with a snarky remark: "Right" he said sarcastically. I felt myself suddenly flare up with extremely, intense, rage. "How dare he speak to a working person like that! Especially one who is remaining calm in the midst of a rush" I thought to myself. I turned back at him with my eyes ablaze, explosive rage coursing through my veins, threatning to cause me to unleash my fury and shot him daggers. Luckily, he didn't meet my gaze back or things could have escalated at that moment. I turned my head back to face the line in front of me. 

Something clicked in that moment that NEVER DOES. After all this time, I instantly identified that my emotional response was in appropriate to the situation. While it may have been understandable I was mad, over how the customer treated the cashier, the intensity of my anger was waaaay out of proportion. It caused me to feel falsely justified in telling this guy off, confronting him or lashing at out him. Never before have I caught myself in such an intense state and decided to CALM DOWN. I didn't not turn back around to face him. I did not act on my anger. 

I identified my sense of false justification, self righteousness, and urge to unleash aggression. Instead of acting on it, the first thing I did was take deep, big, breaths. This was definitely audible to all customers in line. It was obvious to everyone the state I was in and that I was trying to cope. But I didn't care that people saw me struggling, because I was actively using a constructive coping mechanism. Then I started counting down from 100. I got to 89 by the time it was my turn in line. When I got face to face with the cashier, I noticed that I had calmed down significantly. NEVER BEFORE HAVE I BEEN ABLE to successfully deploy constructive coping mechanisms in the moment. And have them deliver such resolve without prior escalation. This is something new. 

I was able to provide the cashier with positive encouragement, rather than lashing out at a customer. Because of where I CHOSE to direct my energy. Because I REALIZED I wasn't justified in lashing out at some random person who was trying to have a bad day. While he may have not been right for how he behaved, his feelings of frustration were valid. It is not my place now or ever, to aggressively attack people over how they respond or feel. When the cashier apologized for the wait, I told her I could see that she was working as fast and hard as she could. No worries. 

Now I realize that it is a choice. It's not a matter of not being able to calm down instantly. It's a matter of fighting falsely justified thoughts, that you are entitled to unleashing your rage. Why do I think I've felt falsely justified before, instead of calming down? I was afraid that the only way to validate my rage, was to unleash it fully, for the fear it would bottle up and be unleashed later. I am now realizing that it isn't true. I don't need to spew all over people or in general to alleviate my rage. To validate it, to have it be heard. There's nothing constructive about that, it damaged myself and the people around me who take the brunt of it. 

I can calm down without invalidating my rage or causing it to bottle up. Not every emotional response I feel has to be verbalized or demonstrated. It can simply be a ticking time bomb dismantled, before it explodes. I am proud of myself. Walking away with a new found sense of hope, control, insight, rationality and motivation. Thank you for listening.