January 18th 2021- I laid on the floor motionless, paralyzed by anxiety and depression . Fear coursing through my body . Tears in my eyes and darkness all around me. That was the day I called the National Suicide Hotline. 

Never in a million years would I have anticipated how mentally taxing 2021 would be on me. 20 mental therapy sessions, 175mg of daily medicine, countless hours reading on coping skills. 

For 3 months straight I took Nyquill every night just to go to sleep to escape the reality of life around me. My mind had become a permanent jail cell who’s only escape was sleep, but to get that I needed to drug myself.  

There were many times this year I was close to ending it all, I had had enough and just wanted this world over. The letter was written for my wife. It took the physical strength of my wife to tackle me to the ground with all her energy and pin me to keep from doing it. I can’t fathom how she did it, but somehow she restrained me. 

I am still not back to being the me before that day, sometimes it feels like that may never come. I’m doing everything I can to get by one day at a time. I overthink everything, a lot of my triggers are by external scenarios I can not control. I feel as though I am left to be in a prison by the incompetence of others. As much as I want to blame others and make them feel the way I feel I need to look within, there are a lot of terrible people in this world and I need to let it be, karma will take place for all.

I am not sure why I am writing this, but it helps to lay it all out. I will continue to work to get better every day in 2022. There will be lots of setbacks but I must press on. Those who are tested will come out better on the other end. 

One thing this has opened my eyes to is you never know who is suffering. From all external views you would never think I would be one to suffer suffer like this. Take the time to check in on those you love, it’s hard to confess when you feel so lonely and “weak”. Had someone asked me if I was ok I would have poured my soul out.