Well, this is the first time that I've posted anything online for years, but I don't know where else to go right now. I have no friends left. My partner is asleep and in another city—my partner, who has put up patiently with my self-loathing bullshit and who had to snap at me over the phone earlier just to get me to realize that I'm sabotaging this relationship. I've been sabotaging it this whole time because I can't get it through my head that they actually love me.

I used to think that somehow I would be able to cope with my depression better when I had someone in my life who wanted to be around me, but now I'm in a relationship with someone I love deeply and I'm fucking it all up. I'm ashamed that no matter how many times they tell me they love me, I start to doubt it again eventually. I'm also painfully aware that every time I tell them that I feel insecure in our relationship, I give them more reasons to want to leave me. 

I'm used to feeling pretty hopeless; I never planned to be alive this long in the first place, but this time it's twice as devastating because I know I could have a chance at a real future, if I could only hold out a little longer. I just feel like I can't hold out any longer. I've only made it this far because my partner is relying on me to keep living. I relapsed a day ago (which I regret), and I'm left feeling empty and alone. I totally understand if this post is too long for anyone to spend time reading/responding to, I guess I just felt the need to type this out somewhere where I'm not alone.