I have had a very severe depressive episode for over a year that resulted in multiple suicide attempts with pills, knives etc the usual, self harm issues, severe paranoia, mood swings and complete disregard for myself and other things but too long to go into so I will save you a tiny bit of time.

This lead to my gp starting me on antidepressants and kept me in close surveillance by my parents at the time and the medical staff, but I noticed that after trying 3 antidepressants none really helped and perhaps even put me into a worse state, as a result I basically begged the gp to come off of them and surprisingly they actually allowed me.

Now unfortunately around this time I had a bad period of drug use (weed, shrooms, ketamine, just normal nicotine and pills) where I tried many things which while I cant lie I enjoyed and I understand this is dangerous I thankfully didn't develop any addictions and have not wanted to use any since besides shrooms, this drug use I realised was kind of out of desperation thinking to myself "if these drugs don't work I may aswell try whatever I can" and tbh I still see no problem with this mindset bc I would prefer to be addicted to drugs than experience what I was at the time, and this drug use may be a reason I am still alive.

Around the time of my third antidepressant I had my first meeting with my local CMHT which my GP referred me to immediately which kind of scared me since their whole purpose is specialising in severe/complex mental illnesses, and generally when you think of that you imagine stuff like psychiatric hospitals and being forcefully kept away even though this is very very VERY unlikely as I have now learned, I now have biweekly meetings and my care worker has asked me questions which to me sound ridiculous like do you hear voices others don't and I think they thought I did bc of my paranoia but I understand its ther job so it makes sense lol 

But its been about a month since first talking to them and within  the space of a few days I actually feel normal again which is amazing and all but how and why, like I'm happy I can actually do stuff again and am able to fix up my awful year of shame but how has this happened, it makes no sense.

Has this happened to anyone else? Going to tell my cmht about it soon however I doubt they will let me go that easily anyway.

Hope you all get better &lt;3