As the bpd thing goes I've been in probably around 40 ish romantic relationships, I have several friends and family who misunderstand me but mean well. I have not once felt like a person actually knows me. I have friends that I've known for 15 years, but I don't feel a deep connection or understand to any of them. My "best friend" doesn't even scratch the surface of the kind of person I am. I have done so much and felt so much but most of it has never left my brain. 

I don't know why I do this. I purposefully leave out information and hide things, bad or not. I have no remorse for this, hell I barely care about blatantly lying to my friends and family. I'm not sociopathic as far as I know, I have very strong emotions but I just never ever talk about them. I don't know why but I just don't feel like I ever connect with people on a deeper level. It all feels so surface level and fake but somehow I have managed to maintain this throughout all these years. Even the one relationship that lasted over a year (we even lived together) I don't think I ever truly opened up to them. 

I don't know why I'm posting this or what I would like in feedback I just don't really know what to do with these feelings. I've had them ever since I can remember. I've always been alone, maybe not physically but mentally.