I always hear about how you need to love yourself first, but I genuinely don't understand how that works. When I try to look inward to who I am it's like a black hole. I'm sure there is something but it's not visible to me. Other people can see me, so the only way to see myself is to use the attitude of others as a mirror.

This leads to so many problems though. There is no record in a mirror, so a person's present attitude towards me is how I see myself. Should the person be having a bad day? I will internalize it as my own doing, my own lacking, and my own weakness. On the other hand, should the person see me as kind? That must mean I'm kind! Or should they see me as funny? I'm hilarious! I should make jokes more often! It's all just temporary though because attitudes of others change over time for reasons completely out of my control.

In addition I feel so many fears about losing people in my life. With other people I can see I'm alright. I make people laugh, I've learned how to listen to a person's problems, and I'm always pushing others to achieve more. I've been told I'm a loving person who's great to have around. It feels so great to have others recognize these traits in me. If they leave me though, I will no longer be able to see these traits in myself. 

I don't really have a point to this rather than just wanting to vent where people could understand. 