Failed my third driving test today by just two minor mistakes more than what I needed to pass. I took the failure well and tried to keep my mistakes in mind and listened to my examiner's critiques. However, when I came home and informed my dad, he yelled at me and called me hopeless, dumb, comparing me to other people, and said that if I fail my final test he will give up on me.

I didnt think it was a big deal because I can always take it again, but i am wasting his time and money learning how to drive. I didnt really feel nervous on the test. The examiner thought my turns and brakes werent smooth enough. I held back my tears like I always did and tried to be indifferent to his yelling.

I've been having suicidal thoughts all throughout my high school years. I told my mom I wanted to kill myself and that if she really thought I was such a burden, then she should just let me die. This was my first time telling one of my parents I wanted to kill myself. She said she was gonna kill herself too and follow me to the after life and continue to torment me. WTF? 

Junior year, I was about to fail my math class while also dealing with the risk of my younger autistic brother and I being put into foster care. I was preparing a plan and was thinking about the resources I had and what route to take to kill myself. I thought about jumping in front of a car or overdosing on some meds. I also felt guilty about my brother because I will be the one to take care of him in the future. I felt bad leaving him alone and even thought about ending his life before i would proceed to end mine. Thankfully the issues were resolved and I never actually went through with it.

All throughout senior year I would have occasional fantasies about dying, but it never got to the extremes of my thoughts during junior year. Senior year was actually pretty good. I had won multiple county, state, and international awards in academic competitions. Graduated with multiple academic awards from the school and got into and am currently enrolled in a prestigious university.

But then I failed my driving test for the third time and my dad started berating me and I felt completely and utterly worthless. A stupid fucking disappointment to everyone. I was okay at first but then I tried suppressing my emotions. I felt a deep hole in my chest and felt my body being sucked into it. I no longer found joy in doing the things I usually enjoyed doing. Couldn't focus while reading. Working out felt like a chore. Thinking about watching TV shows made me want to vomit along with playing videogames. I just want something to happen that would end my life. I feel so stupid for wanting to kill myself over failing my driving test 3 times. I know I can drive. There are people on the streets much worse than me and my maneuvers were not that dangerous. But im not an examiner. I feel so stupid for feeling so entitled. I just want to pass or I might actually plan on killing myself again. 

I have been isolating myself from my friends for almost a month now. Ignoring their texts and only responding indifferently to important messages. I loath myself so much. I feel like such a burden and I feel so guilty for wanting to talk to them just because I feel like utter trash. I dont want them to have to deal with myself in the state that I'm in. I managed to talk to one of my friends today and it helped me feel so much better. I cried a little, but I still felt really bad so I ended the conversation. I hate myself so much. I hate myself for being so weak when there are many other ppl going through so much worse. My immigrant parents sacrificed so much for me for God's sake and even thought they can't speak English, they still passed their driving test, so why can't I pass the test when I'm an American-born citizen who can speak fluent English? I hate myself so much.