I never really identified my fear of abandonment as such but I do notice a lot of my behavior is very defensive and aloof as if I want to keep as much of myself to myself so if I do get abandoned, then it's okay because I didn't get attached. Like I never let my guard down, because that's an opportunity for someone to find a reason to leave. And if they do leave, then it's okay because I didn't get attached.. even though I feel empty and detached from myself and the other person through the entire process.

In the rare cases I let myself feel vulnerable and get attached, then I get a lot of dysphoria if they leave or if they even don't spend as much time with me. So I'm constantly in this in-between state now where I know that being vulnerable will allow me to form attachments but I'm too afraid to be vulnerable because the attachment might not be reciprocated. The defensiveness becomes part of my personality and it becomes harder and harder to be vulnerable.