We’ve rekindled and broken up over 8 times probably within a year.  I truly do love her with all my heart but her emotional turbulence and her contradicting “personalities” for lack of a better word is just too hurtful and confusing for me to handle.  She always blocks me.  

I currently live with an ex-partner.  We have a strictly platonic relationship and due to covid and multiple financial reasons we are waiting to sort out our living situation.  I’ve discussed this in length with her and sometimes she seems super understanding about it only to throw it back in my face and block me at the slightest misunderstanding.  

In the past I had discussed moving in to a new place with her as a solution and she said that we were not officially together which really hurt me.   Other times she would toy with me and make it seem like a possibility.  Most of the times I was blocked and in severe emotional distress and couldn’t deal with day to day life let alone the idea of selling property and moving during a pandemic. The last time she abruptly blocked me after assuring me she wouldn’t.  Then she  told me she was going on a date with someone new.  That time I really just gave up.  I couldn’t do it anymore, I blocked her.   

This time she reached out to rekindle with me and I was really wary.  She suggested indirectly getting a place together, and I said I wanted to take it a bit slower because she seemed to be in a fragile emotional state.  I asked her to move slower so we can get to know each other better and avoid the blow up fights and to recover from all the past mutual hurts.  She seemed receptive and she was over the top affectionate, which I deflected mostly because it was too overwhelming for me to process someone hating me to behaving so loving and passionate within such a short period of time.  My brain could not comprehend it.  

Since this is becoming and essay I’ll keep it short.  The last misunderstanding I did many things wrong.  But the original catalyst was me telling her I wanted a few hours to process my emotions and just in general I need alone time after too much stimulation.   She seemed ok with it and then suddenly i get a message saying she’s stepping back from me for her own protection and “saving” me from having the conversation I was planning with her.  Insinuating I was going to leave her.  

I was so triggered and I panicked because she was mind-reading again and I had no such intention.  She ignored me and wouldn’t respond and it felt like she was going to block me again.   When I finally got through she was in the midst of saying what a mistake it was to contact me etc and her phone died.  She just went to sleep.  I thought she blocked me again so I just lost it and sent her a message basically painting myself black.  Even when I apologize it seems like it has to be how, when, what she wants to hear or I just make things worse.  

Long story short my question is, she’s hurt me a lot in all our interactions together.  Constant criticism, she doesn’t seemingly care who I am or to understand my problems at all, she always says she thinks of doing things for me but it’s my fault I fuck things up before it happens.  She accuses me of not caring and using her and when I point out all the things I’ve done or said that shows the opposite she accuses me of keeping a list.   She puts me in no-win situations and then she lashes out with really hateful and personal insults.  Then she comes back a few weeks later like she’s giving me another chance without holding herself accountable.   

Based on our last conversation I’ve lost her for good.  She was complaining to me about finances and I had planned a little surprise to take care of some bills for her so that she would have less to worry about.  The payment didn’t come through until after our blowup fight, and she accused me of lying and being a psycho and manipulating her since she hates me.  I didn’t react I just corrected the situation that mad her so upset.  We haven’t spoken since.   

I guess what I’m really looking for is insight.   I can understand why she doesn’t trust me.  But it seems like there is no grey area to understand that her behaviour and anger is unacceptable and is contributing to the issue.  I guess my question is did she even really love me?  I don’t understand why if you have feelings for someone that you can hate so much with the same intensity, and then keep coming back to repeat the cycle and not accept how damaging it is to the other person.  

I just love her and even suggested that I pay for her therapy.  I am going to therapy myself.  I honestly just want to know if she realizes I do love her when she calms down.  How to make her feel loved if she comes back, how to not lose myself on only pleasing her and walking on eggshells