I'm 17 and I just want some advice on if yall have ever experienced these feelings and maybe like how to tell someone about it

Do you feel like you have only two categories of emotion : nothing or everything ?

for me when I feel "nothing" I literally don't feel anything, I might laugh or have normal conversations with my friends but on the inside, I don't really feel like I'm actually experiencing the true emotion. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm really happy atm (even tho I don't think I've ever really been happy) or if I'm just faking it. Other times I just straight up don't feel anything I'm just there, when I've told people about this before they say I'm numb from depression but this not it, I know what being numb is like and this is not at all the same thing. On the other hand if my mom or a friend yells at me I either explode or it feels like my world is ending. I get mood swings where I extremely irritable and I'm just pissed off at everybody. But the smallest situations cause me to become suicidal on the spot no matter how good my day was going and it'll ruin my mood for days. My best friend got mad at me one day and I left school early because the thought of her being angry at me and that she wouldn't want to be friends anymore literally made me want to be dead. A couple years ago a former friend of mine got upset with me and because of that I had really bad mood swings and had to be hospitalized for suicidal thoughts.(im not proud of this but even tho i already was scheduled to go to the hopsital i made my mom bring me early after finding out someone i knew was in the hospital because I felt kinda jealous tht "my time" was being taken away from)  If I'm not feeling emotionally detached im either suicidal or angry at the world.

Do you feel like your family/friends dont love you even though logically yk that they do ?

so many times ive had meltdowns where my mom would try to comfort me and the only thing running through my head is that she hates and how everyone hates and no one loves me

Do you ever feel fine like right after you've just been wanting to die ?

a lot of times I've had my meltdowns and a sec after its as if I wasnt just wanting to od. I dont even tell anyone anymore because I know tht eventually I'll feel fine and I also dont want to constantly go to ppl saying I suicidal and need them to tell me in detail that they actually want me in their life and end up getting tired of me. But I should probably reach out more bc when I see my therapist if I feel fine atm I wont bother talking about the behavior Ive had because atm everything seems perfect. Everything can be just like alot and its hard trying to keep track with how ur doing if at any moment mood is completely different 

so yea is this relatable to anyone and if so do you have advice