Hello everyone, sorry for any mistakes, I'm not an English speaker. Since last year, I have this pain in my heart. It started on December and it ended on April-May. It's December again, and the pain came back. 

I have tendencies to depression and anxiety since many years. But this pain doesn't really seem to be one of them. 

That pain is more emotional than physical, I mean it doesn't feel like a tiny heart attack.

I don't have intrusive thoughts unlike when I have anxiety. I don't have negative thoughts unlike when I'm depressed. 

It's just a big pain, that appears when I think about doing my homework, for example, that makes me want to die. I have suicidal thoughts but only because of this pain. Imagine if my heart was a button that makes my brain thinks about suicide when this pain occurs. 

I don't have any real problem in life. I just suffer, my heart is shouting "you're suffering, I wanna die" but I don't know why since I don't think life is bad at all. 

This pain makes me sometimes breath badly, I don't know how to describe that. It's really the same pain when someone hurts you with mean words and that you're heart seems very heavy, painful, and you just want to die. 

I know it's not because of what I eat or how much I sleep because these days I've been very careful about that. 

I don't want to live that again, I can't study and I'll fail because of that. I know my whole body HATES doing homework, even when studies are interesting just because my brain (I can't say "I" because I'm not ok with that) doesn't want to do anything that looks like an effort, a constraint. 

Unlike last year, I like my studies and I don't have exams so I don't understand what's wrong with me AGAIN??? 

Maybe it's seasonal depression? But why do I just feel a pain, and not any negative thoughts? Maybe it's anxiety in another form but why am I not overthinking, panicking or anything else linked to that ? 

Please, help me. I know I should see a therapist but for that I must make a phonecall and phonecalls make me anxious so I keep procrastinating about that... I just want to know if I'm the only one who lives something that looks like anxiety but is not 100% exactly that. And it's not only about homework, it was just the most obvious example. Thank you.