First off, I am not diagnosed but Identify with everything I've read about BPD, and the stories people who have BPD tell.

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I am a musician, and I have made music almost everyday for 7 years. I recently got management and a small deal with an indie label. I find it hard to stay motivated because I know if (by some miracle) I am successful I will have to interact with people. I just want to disappear and this feels a whole lot like the opposite of disappearing. I feel like I am doing something wrong by letting someone (managers/ label) invest in me because I know I will subconsciously or deliberately keep myself from succeeding because I need to punish myself. I need to beat myself into dust. 

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I have broken down in tears twice in the last week because I just want them to fire me already. I do not deserve this.