I spent the last 4 months in a relationship and it just ended. This person got close enough to realize I'm worthless and empty. Pathetic and broken. Unfixable and unworthy. I tried to cut it off early because I knew he would see the real me and run. But he insisted I stay. Must have just been for the sex. It ended out of the blue after a few episodes, but he stopped liking me before that. Just didn't tell me and let me try to fight for something that apparently was dead long before. So I made an ass of myself. He said he wanted to be friends still. 

Last night he told me that he didn't even want that. That he was done with me. Obviously that destroyed me. So guess what? I turned around and destroyed every single friendship I had left. Not that the list was long. Told them to leave, told them goodbye, told them I was finished. And then I blocked each and everyone of them as they were broken (though I imagine not that broken as we hardly talk anyways and I am unlovable as it is). The police showed up at 2am because one of my friends thought I was suicidal. 

Now it's all over. I am done with everyone. I am done giving out my heart and having people break it. I am done being used sexually and abandoned, just like when I was as a child. Everyone leaves. They take my heart and they hurt me. This disorder has destroyed me for 22 years. And I have given into its impulses. 

Please don't give me advice. Just  understand the pain. I understand this and the irrationality behind everything I did. I now am completely alone. And that is where I am the most comfortable and in the most pain. Pain is my only companion. It hasn't left me. I am used to hell. I cannot stand happiness. It leaves me. The light is what hurts so I may as well sit in the darkness and get used to it. I feel as though I am just waiting to die. My heart and soul died a long time ago, piece by piece as I was sexually abused for a decade. Just waiting for the body to follow. Even though I know that's not what I want. I just want to be stable and happy and worth something. To stop being used. To be able to open up and not have people run because they see the devil inside me. 