I've just been thinking a lot more about death lately and thinking about all the mistakes I've done in my life and just don't want to be here anymore. But then be guilty for feeling this way but in general i have a good life. I have friends and family and pets who love me dearly and i can't stand feeling like that is not enough, but I personally don't feel successful. I know it's probably because the way i define success and value for life is based on this god forsaken capital system we live in but it's hard not to when that's all you know. Anyway I would just don't really want to be alive

I woke up crying today because all my intrusive thoughts flooded back in and i just wanted to be back asleep where i wasn't thinking at all. I wish i could sleep forever.

This idea is especially hard because my mental health has been pretty good the last few years and now i feel like I'm falling backwards again. I really don't want to tell my psychiatrist about my suicidal thoughts because he'll make me start over and i just don't think i can do that. I'm hoping it's just the season. These holidays have been kinda meh so maybe when they are over and classes start again i can focus on those. We'll see i guess.

Just wanted to get that off my chest since I can't really talk to anyone else about it.