In nights like this, I often find myself wondering if any of the life I have experienced mattered. Do people remember me?

Does anyone really care? I often notice that when I speak of the thoughts that invade my mind people begin to approach from the shadows to suddenly express concern for the words I spoke. However when I suffer in silence, nobody ever checks on me. Depression is a weird monster to me.

My depression comes in the most random and erratic waves. Sometimes I almost feel like I don't even know who I am.

I have a name and a place in the world, but it seems more like a game of elementary school Kickball.

A game where life might choose me to get to experience some form of joy. But more often than not it feels like there is an odd amount of players.

And I ended up as the kid who didn't get put on a team. I have coasted by idly for 25 years of my life. Never popular, but never a shadow. 

Never the one that you'd ask to prom, never the one you'd see out with friends that asked me to go, always the one who just ends up at these places in happenstance.

I don't know why I think the way I do. Do I just need to accept that my role in life is a fly on the wall? I don't frequently just write thoughts as they come into my mind.

It always seems troublesome and like they won't be worth documenting. Maybe someday someone will find the notes I've started taking.

Maybe they will wonder who I was. Maybe they will care about the things I had to say. Maybe one day will come while I am alive. Maybe not.

The older I get, with my lack of accomplishments constantly on my mind, the more I think less of suicide as selfish or like I'm doing people a favor.

But the more I think of it like a way to finally ease the pain of having to constantly be the let down, the disappointment, the black sheep.

Maybe there is someone who relates to this on a level I just truly don't realize, but I honestly doubt it. Because 25 years is a long time.

More than a quarter of the average persons lifetime. Hell it is likely more than half of my lifetime, and I still haven't been able to find anyone I can provide any value to.