Hello fellow humans. Posting from a new account after a few years of inactivity. I might delete this post after a few days, due to the fact that I am posting from my own personal account, rather than a throwaway. It's been a while since I needed to vent out, but I haven't been feeling so well recently, nor do I understand anything regarding what's boggling my mind or how I should feel about it in general.  


Before I dive into the story, I'd like to preface this with the fact that I do have a huge problem with meeting new people. I don't really go out, and even if I do go out, I am usually out alone, grabbing a cup of coffee or a beer, and making my way home right after that. I am not the kind of person who has the courage to talk to strangers in an attempt to befriend them or whatever.

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About two years ago, after a really bad breakup, I've met this wonderful girl. Wonderful as in I cannot actually determine which words to use to describe her. You get the picture. We ended up kicking things off as anyone else does nowadays via online chat, and back then she ended up shooting me down because I used to work with her sister. Wasn't sure why that would pose an issue back then, but a few months ago I've learned that her sister's really protective. 

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We did chat casually for a few months, until everything went dark for a while. Not sure if I've blocked her on Instagram because of the reason that I was really overwhelmed with even more sadness because of the recent breakup, or what happened back then. I just remember that our communication ceased to a complete halt, and that was it.

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Fast forward until a few months ago. Found her new Instagram account. We pretty much reconnected immediately without questioning any prior scenarios. Everything was completely fine, until I gathered enough strength to ask her out again. What I would presume was a "without a doubt" answer, she almost immediately responded with "yes". And we did go out! I've spent the most beautiful day with what I would like to describe with the most beautiful, understanding and heartwarming person I've ever met. 

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Once I drove back home, an immediate wave of depression struck. Not sure why, but that's been going on for a few days. Anxiety attacks occurring on a random basis, presumably because of the fear of rejection, that person leaving my life or whatever. Sadly, that's still not dying off. Matter of fact, I've been feeling a bit worse on a daily basis.

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We still chat on a daily basis. I am planning to ask her out again, but to be frank with all of you, I am afraid of doing so. Partly because, as much as I like her, I don't want to go through yet more episodes of anxiety and thoughts including self-destructive intents, but also because I feel like if I don't go ahead and do it, she'll probably just get over it all and go on her merry way.

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Should I be letting go? What should I be doing about this and how should I even be feeling about this whole thing?  


Thanks.