I’m high as hell right now but I have to get this off my mind. I hate how I idealize people I get a crush on. 

I turn into an internal mess of constantly over analyzing my interactions with them in order to gauge how much further along we are before things get romantic. 

I anticipate in a frenzy for the ‘high’ I get when I notice the slightest of changes in their interactions with me. They begin to be more  sweeter, thoughtful, and the contact is more frequent. I mirror their actions and energy as things progress.

I begin to learn them, by means of looking through their social medias.
I begin to analyze their interactions with others. I study them, obsessively.

It scares me how methodical I am because it makes me feel crazy.

I idealize them and then the guessing game of whether they like me back that was once fun turns into the hurtful game of “are they rejecting me?”. I perceive things too harshly and hurt myself into complete detachment.

Then the idealism that was once my rose colored glasses are wiped off into a clear shade of realism.

I begin to see their flaws, deal breakers, red flags, nuisances, etc.



What scares me most is how self aware I am that I compulsively do this. 