After 2 years, I walked away quietly. My FP lied to me and broke my trust multiple times throughout the relationship and it brought out the most awful and toxic symptoms in me. We broke up and got back together a million times, and every single breakup was messy. 

Every time I left him, it was after I found something out/caught him lying, and every breakup involved screaming and crying and abusive words. When he would try to dump me, I would find every way to contact him until he took me back. Created burner accounts on Instagram, spent money on apps to get a second phone number, everything. I couldn’t let him go. 

 I knew I shouldn’t be with him but as you know, leaving your FP feels like dying. There would be times where I felt like I needed to kill myself because it was the only way I could actually leave. 

He broke up with me in July for good and it was messy, again. He ended up leaving the state and flying back to his home over 1000 miles away. After multiple attempts to get him back we agreed to go no contact for a few months and then try talking again and pursuing long distance. It was unrealistic but I wanted to do it anyway because I’d do anything to be with him. But it didn’t work. I still didn’t trust him and we couldn’t go more than a week without fighting. I was miserable and so was he, and he had absolutely no empathy for me. He made it clear that he was sick of me and I was always begging him to just listen to me and stop being so mean. Quite a few times he told me he didn’t want to try anymore but I kept begging and we kept going back and forth between happy conversations to huge arguments. 

Last week a switch finally flipped in my head. It didn’t feel like splitting though, I didn’t suddenly hate him or become completely disillusioned with my love for him. It just felt like acceptance. I wasn’t happy and I didn’t trust him no matter how hard I tried. I spent 2 days avoiding talking to him because I didn’t know what to do. And then he asked me on the phone if I wanted to stop trying, and I quietly told him yes. He didn’t try to convince me otherwise, which broke my heart a bit, but if anything it showed that he wasn’t afraid to lose me. I was just so tired of it all. And so we said goodnight and hung up. As soon as the call ended I burst into tears and called my mum. 

I have never left quietly before. It felt so weird. The hardest part is that all the other times I left it was because he had wronged me, but this time nothing bad had happened and it felt like I wasn’t justified in leaving. It feels like I wasted 2 years of my life, breaking up and getting back together and letting him betray me over and over, just to walk away on a random Tuesday for no good reason. But I just had to. 

Last night I caved in and called him and luckily he was asleep and didn’t answer. It’s only been 3 days and I’m already fighting with myself to commit to my decision, and carry on. It’s really hard and I feel so lost. Whenever I get home from work I want to text him that I’m home. I want to call him and talk about our days. I want to say goodnight. It’s such an empty feeling not being able to do that again. 

I’m struggling a lot because I still love him but ultimately I’m proud of myself, and my family and friends are extremely proud of me because this relationship was making me sick. Even though I’m hurting I still consider this a small triumph. Not just because I left, but because I did it so quietly and without hysterics. I still love him and he’s still my FP. I really feel unwell without him. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him. 

While this is a “small triumph” flair post, I would also appreciate support because this is really hard for me and I feel like I’m suffering in silence.