It's not a kind of depressive thoughts but more like anxiety. I have this sensation of death around myself. Like everything I do will lead to death so I will be old soon.

Another thing is I feel anxious about the fact I will change country and job and I feel like a failure and a fraud because I am not good at what I do so I won't be able to do the job.

This anxiety started again since a girl is pressuring me into staying with her and I suck and I can't say a no strong enough to stop her. But I don't want her God damn it. I'm not ready for a relationship yet and I am so scared.

When I stop following my gut I get agited, following what I want really makes me feel good. Otherwise I am anxious.

But I just need to wait because she has an important thing and I can't ruin her emotionally.

I feel trapped