My BPD has multiple roots, but the one that talk therapy always leads back to is my mother.

My father passed away when I was 2 from overdose. Him and my mom were only teenagers at the time. My mom took charge and moved out of her abusive household before I was born. She climbed her way up the corporate ladder, and has always provided me with my basic needs. 

Emotionally, she wasn't available. I remember her self harming in front of me when I was 4. I remember her going through shitty relationships then blaming me, because she said I needed a father figure. All the times she'd comment about my weight and hygiene, but never actually taught me about either. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her anyway. She was always in bed, always on her phone. If I ever tried to get her attention, she'd flat out ignore me. If I kept pushing, she'd start screaming at me, and all the veins on her face would bulge. I remember overdosing at 16, and she didn't even get up, she just called the cops and continued scrolling Facebook. I was forced to raise myself, and sometimes act as her support system too. She isolated from everyone, and I had to hear about how terrible they all were. She drinks a lot too. I have a 3 year old sister now, and I hate that she randomly picks up beer cans my moms leaves next to her bed.

But my mom also has stomach ulcers, PTSD, depression, DID, OCD, and has still managed to get to where she is by herself. Sometimes she amazes me if I think about her story. But when she's in front of me I see a cold, selfish robot. 

I want more than anything to have a healthy relationship with her, but I've known for a long time it's not going to happen. Any kindness and patience I show her, she immediately turns into using me. And the passive aggressive guilting, I can't ignore it anymore. I can't let her play victim, and treat me like this.

I'm sure some of you guys can relate on some level. How do handle the want of maintaining some relationship with an abusive parent, without cycling through the same toxic behaviors? Is it even possible? 