And she is the one person I have left. 

She’s the person who I can spend time with and likes spending time with me, who never stopped loving me even when everyone else did. I drove away everyone I loved and who loved me and now I catch myself being mean to her and hurting her and I apologize but holy shit I know it’s not enough. I’m not even a mean person I’m just fucking miserable and completely alone. Now, in regular conversations where we used to just talk and laugh, I go off the rails. I yell and cry about anything - and I’ve never been that way with her. She was the only person in the world who could just hold her ground with me, distance when she needed to, call me out, stay just…okay with me. I’m completely convinced at this point that is impossible for me to have any kind of healthy friendship or relationship, not even with family. 

And nothing hurts worse because this disorder makes you want people more than anything in the world and love them in a way that’s just not okay at all. I know this. I’ve lost everyone except for her and it feels like i’m doing it all over again . I think actually it would be better for me to stay in my room and never interact with a single person ever  because at least that way I would never hurt anybody I love (again) . How are we supposed to live in these bodies where all we want is love but we can’t do it right I do not get it I do not think I can