TW//Depressive Episode//Struggling to Cope With FP Feelings

I finally did it. I met someone who treats me the way id always hoped. We'll call him C. C treats me with kindness and respect, love and adoration. Hes my best friend, and has been doing mountains of reading up on my BPD diagnosis to best help me as my partner, and help me cope with him being my FP.

And. I. Fucking. Ruined. It.

I can't sleep tonight. Its too hot, im not tired and He's not here to lay with. I was sitting up, just kind of scrolling, and i remembered something silly i did back in my first year of highschool. C is truly like my beat friend, and we often text and call each other over every silly thing that comes up while the other isnt around.
It was around 2:30 am, so being careful not to wake him, i compiled all of my rambling and follow up gushing about him into one singular text, so as not to blow up his phone and wake him. 

It did anyway. C immediately called me, worried i wasnt okay, and when i explained it was just something silly and i didnt expect him to wake up, his tone changed to one of complete cold and emptiness. I understand why he was pissed but that tone change.. its the same one everyone has when theyve stopped trying with me. 

I ruin everything and here is a class A example. Im so fucking stupid and needy. I cant sleep without wearing a shirt of his when he's not here,  i want to talk all the time, hang out all the time. I was just so excited i thought id found my person.. and yet again maybe i did and i just completely torched that like i do everything else. I fucking hate this. I hate everything. 
Im going to sleep and hope that i dont wake up so i can avoid that call in the morning when he ends it between us for good.