I don’t know about my fellow BPD folks…but I don’t handle change very well. 

I was diagnosed six years ago after years and years of suffering. A hospital stay and a breakdown finally lead to diagnosis. Healing began. 

I was by no means in a perfect way, but I had a handle on symptoms and knew my triggers. Life was…okay. 

My husband is my rock. My best friend. An amazing human. But now I feel like crying and saying things like…he *was* my best friend. He *was* my rock. He’s still a wonderful human, but I feel so disconnected that I’m afraid I’m going to disassociate. Maybe I already have. I feel cold and alone.

He 100 percent went from an atheist to spiritualist. Mostly he will call himself a Buddhist but he’s become engrossed with various monks, Alan Watts, and new age gurus like Eckert Tolle. It’s done wonders for him, I won’t take that away. His anxiety is much better. He’s happier (I think). Crazy calm. So there’s nothing I can do, really. What can I say? It’s helping him. But hell if it isn’t ruining “us”. 

Gone is my pessimistic funny partner. We no longer share any hobbies. Everything I say is met with some eastern philosophical insight. I eye-roll so hard it hurts. He used to be sarcastic and hilarious—one of the things I loved so much and fell for. His humor is gone. His whole personality seems gone.

This ain’t my first rodeo and we are drifting so far apart. It’s breaking my heart. I’m actually scared for our marriage. 

We aren’t fighting. He’s calm and collected and trying to be so kind to me. Great, right? What kind of psycho thinks that’s a bad thing? It’s just…weird? He’s not even a shadow of his former self. It’s like he’s shed his skin and is a different person. 

I honestly thought at first he was having a nervous breakdown. Now I think he’s just found the way he wants to live his life and unfortunately it happened after we were married. 

If I just accept it…embrace the change and him—we’ll be okay. But I feel like I’m mourning the person he used to be and it’s making my own mental illness worse. This has set off so many triggers. And I feel guilty for hating these changes.

I just wanted to rant. I’ll probably delete this. I just feel so alone and sad.