i've been taking antidepressants since june 2021 after having had multiple break downs from stress in front of my doctor i saw for chronic medical conditions

i have been depressed to be honest since i was 5 i remember, and i'm 18 now but i only got put on antidepressants when i was 17 and it was for the purpose of putting in a "better mood" and "to relieve stress" 

i come from a very non supportive household, so i could never have admitted i had depression since forever and because it went untreated for so long, i developed central nervous system damage and i have very low dopamine levels

i have so far tried in order:

sertraline
- 50 mg
- 75 mg
- 100 mg
- 125 mg
- 150 mg

duloxetine
- 30 mg
- 60 mg + 150 mg bupropion 

the bupropion is used with duloxetine as a part of conjunctive therapy since i had been unresponsive to all those previous doses of antidepressants

both antidepressants have allowed me to not feel anxiety since june 2021, actually since 3 hours after i took my very first ever pill of sertraline

it's great to not feel any anxiety because i feel confident going into every situation in general, but i'm still so broken and void and sad and hurt and full of pain and distraught in my heart

i want to be able to smile and to talk enthusiastically, to be animated and to be a happy go lucky person in front of everyone but im not :(

im really hopeless so far when it comes to getting some sort of happiness from antidepressants

im going to continue the conjunctive therapy with bupropion to ensure i am getting the maximum possible benefits from duloxetine and the other meds i have yet to try

it's just so discouraging waiting week after week after week for things to change, for me to be in a good mood yet nothing

i feel so bad being all dreary on social media and like a ghost in terms of my interactive presence

i feel like i drag such great negative to others even though i am always trying to joke around and act careless

my friends don't really care to hear about my feelings and i wouldn't wanna bring their mood down because of my sad life i always feel guilty for being this way..

i need a strong heart and mind to continue fighting through these chronic medical conditions of mine, especially since i potentially have 3 progressive terminal illnesses which end up in being disabled, braindead, or dead altogether

please body, please don't give up on me i've been so good to you i don't know what i did to deserve all this it's not fair i don't know why it had to be me of all people to be dying in every literal and metaphorical way possible

if u read anything i wrote, thank you for lending an ear to listen to me while i'm feeling lonelier than ever

have a good day or night &lt;3