This would be the first time in forever that I’ve vented because I keep my feelings bottled up inside so I don’t sound weak or annoying to others. But I’ve have depression for years there are days that I feel fine and than there are days where I have no hope for anything. Lately I’ve been feeling numb. I haven’t been to work because I have no will to get up in the morning and work a 12 hr shift. So I call in “sick”. Just thinking about going into my stressful job depresses me. My depression is so bad that I would rather no be on earth than to work for the rest of my life. I’ve always had a problem keeping a job because my depression creeps back in and I have all these negative thoughts so I lose my job for calling in sick or just going MIA and end up going into a depressed spiral. I would rather lay in bed and lose it all and I try to get myself out of that mindset I try to tell myself you need to get up and go to work but I make up all these excuses to not go. I hate it. It’s been taking a toll ever since. I just want a will to live. I want to be happy with my life and I should my partner and I are expecting a baby and that should be enough to knock some sense into me and get my mind and life straight. But it hasn’t. I don’t know what to do I already feel like a failure for not working. I tell my partner that I haven’t been at work and just been using my pto and she seems annoyed that I haven’t been working and she won’t understand why I actually haven’t been at work. I just wish I had a positive mindset I want to be happy and have a will to live. I don’t want to be seem like a failure to my family they think I’m “lazy” for not working but in fact I’m fighting demons in my head and putting up a happy face when in reality I’m far from happy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I need to get this off my chest..