I've never had a FP stay in my life. Every single one leaves, even if it's just a friend. I know I'm the issue.

I hate how if we are on bad terms it will feel like my entire world is crashing down. And if we are fighting and I give in and text back an apology I can genuinely feel all the sadness and stress leaving my body. It's insane. Nothing physical has changed, I'm still alone in my bedroom. But the difference of relief I get from "making up" is pure stress relief.

This feeling has been universal to so many different FP's throughout the years too. I feel completely sane and normal until my FP leaves my life and then I don't feel good until I have my next one. Is being BPD just waiting around until we find a stable secure FP who loves us? I've tried the friends route, I just can't make genuine connections with friends. I put in the effort, I text, I meet up, I plan, everything. But somewhere along the line I just burn out from regular friendships. I rather be alone for weeks on end than see regular friends.

I know my current FP isn't great for me either. Like right now it's more of a "situationship" that I know is going nowhere and neither of us want to be together long-term due to lifestyle incompatibilities. So why do I have to monkey-branch from person to person? What sent me spiraling is finding out he's started casually dating another girl. I just feel like I'm going to be abandoned soon. We both know we aren't each other's person. I know he deserves to find love and I also tell him that too. But I'm just so scared to lose him because I feel like I'm in too deep. 

Also let it be known I'm not ready to date anyone as I'm 1 year single this month after a 6 year long relationship with a narcissist who discarded me. So hanging out with my FP has really helped me see what it's like to have someone who cares about me and puts time/effort into seeing me. I'm grateful for him, but I feel like I'm ruining our friendship because of my hurt feelings. I wish maybe in another life we were compatible lifestyle wise.

I honestly thought I was doing okay. Like I didn't realize this person was my FP until a year later and they did some things to hurt me and now I'm feeling the "breakup crazies". It just feels like a matter of time until they tell me "enough" and leave. Which would literally be a service to both of us but I don't know why I can't get there. I also don't know why I can't be happy to be alone. I'm an introvert who can spend 2 weeks or more alone at a time. But that sounds unbearable without at least texting my FP.

My panic response is "omg open up bumble and find a new man", but I literally just don't want to date. I feel like not having any family in my area or friends that I love is also pushing the panic. But I felt so empty around those people last year after my initial breakup.

Any advice or tips on how to deal with these feelings? Feel like usually the only response is, "it gets better with time" or "you'll meet the right person one day".