Sry in advance for the poor word choice

Its all fake all lies… nobody liked my work, what i did, what little i accomplished… im pissed and sad never showed it, atleast tried to

I never cry but im crying right now woth shivers going up and down my spine, i made a post on reddit asking why im having intense mood swings… is there more to it? Idk im too tired to find out another problem? No thanks…

Another diagnosis? No im done, guess i am a lazy piece of shit sitting on his ass doing whatever he wants until the parents money is out? 

I dont want it i got too much going on? Everything just to not to be bullied like back then… nobody knew? Why it was obvious, so obvious all you had to do was look and listen for just a second… stop passively hearing and start actively listening.

A little extra

People told me im a fat faggot? I was too ugly i guess… still am. Why were they such dicks, i wore a hat to cover it all up, i wished i could pull it all over me.
and what happened they covered it in glue drinks and piss… i still had to put it on… it was disgusting but i didnt care i needed protection so bad… 
closer friends said „fat thighs“, „youre fat! Youre fat, christopher“ it didnt bother me?
you would turn around in the middle of class just to tell the people behind you that i was „the gay guy“ did you get the attention you wanted? Why were you so fake. Why did you care so much were you bored? Do you need a job or are you just a petty person?

The school was joking right? Classmates applying glue all over my desk breaking my stuff, pushing me, making fun of me, literal groupchats made just to make fun of me, calling me „this and that“ in the hallways?Maning fun of me my body and everything i did… i felt observed yet i was unseen by staff i was invisible but just my best spots were apparently… what a clownerry help them…

I was deceived, „looks dont matter“ your „character is the important part of you“ yet you treat me like my shell is rotting to the core? What irony, its a lie people treated me better when i wasnt „as ugly“… thats what it is about nobody cares about people suffering as long as they deserve it… pretty people deserve the help when they suffer ugly people are not worth it? Its their fault, their core was withering the soft casing? No its in reverse the protection of their most important parts is the social constructs holy grail the part that „shouldnt matter“ mattered most, its what brought it upon them, nobody, really nobody beside special cases grow up hating themselves, its taught. You taught me that my exterior was more important than me and you had the audacity to tell me „thats not what people see, they want to meet the person behind your skin“???? 

Im thinking about suicide again, havent done that in a while

I keep saying ure just doing this because you want attention, partially true but if it was so why is it only happening when im alone? So i can feel bad for myself? Youre still a attention seeking bastard

What would i do? Move away so that everybody forgets me and nobody knew i was gone and wither… too much work for everybody no to funeral no to anything, no drama

Its an inconvenience nobody wants to deal with that you forget me and move on and i get to go, seems like a fair deal

Family

Sry for wasting your money and time thats what it was all about atleast to me, even though you told me it didnt matter i felt bad… i didnt even take much yet it bothered me so much, 5 dollars for food? Im a burden right? Thats what you think.
You are the kindest person ive ever met, you wont judge anyone not in a sense that would ultimately make you the villain, because you are not, no petty lies, no cunning thoughts… 
youre too kind to others you let them trample all over you because of your fear. get a divorce from him you still got time dont waste it in this home. find something new be happier

A depressed teen right? Just another right? Im victimizing myself? I never asked you to help me yet you told everyone im here to steal your attention… the attention you didnt get? My fault? To a certain extent yes kind of, cause i am in this shithole and youre not. Why did i stop preserving this friendship did we grow apart no i distanced myself. It ended like the friendship you had, you told me… why did i do it? I dont know, jealousy? No i dont think so? I dont care about your money i dont know why im sorry youre sweet and hardworking

Im not crying anymore i dont care, again, im indifferent to everything like always. 

I remember what you said when we had to photograph the furniture „thanks for lifting the couch its heavy wow“ -mama „he is so cooky dont feed into his ego i lifted way heavier things back in the day thats nothing….“ remarks that i tried to brush off, they seem harmless yet are frequent occurences that come right out of your mouth you are a narcissistic yet insecure… 
so insecure that your acting as a jester corrupts the already filthy water you sit and soak in… i cant blame you, just another shitty childhood, bad parenting, fueled from a young age with ideals so unprincipled yet you never questioned them you didnt break out of it?
„Shrug it off“ i went to rehab and that was the only thing you said after 6 months?
… im sry that im a dick toward you i know you mean best but stop it its too late to save this… i never heard a single good word from you, not one i cant remember any whatsoever. Why? was it that hard? Your methods are your downfall your arrogance your sadness is your downfall and your pride is the worst… i dont feel a connection to you… it broke? When did it happen what was the point of no return… were you always bitter yet so nice? You would slit my throat and give me another cause you were sorry but im bleeding out? Is that an equivalent trade for you?

Why am i crying again? It shouldnt bother me right? Thats what fathers are like? I guess…

Cant talk much about you, we barely talked we were strangers… dont you dare cry you dont even know me and i dont know you… Not at all we are different… youre neither good nor bad you feel fake? So fake and scared to get judged

Friends

you dont take yourself serious yet serious enough to hate yourself so much… why did out friendship feel fake? Because of me to me everything is fake, liars all of them, it pisses me off… so edgy i know.

im sry they are cool but i cant handle anymore contact… they sre interesting, intelligent and fun… 
Get help soon… when im gone i want my parents to pay for your rehabilitation

Im tired i want to sleep maybe later i dont know when forever hopefully by tomorrow? im numb i was just crYing hysterically and now im out of fucks to give?