I've been through a lot from suicide attempt by my family member, getting cheated on by my long term gf, the death of my family member and not being able to visit the funeral, the death of my 15-year-old dog, social anxiety, depression, losing my job during COVID. I did get a job cleaning hospitals during covid but that was stressful.

I relied on alcohol for social situations and after getting cheated on, but I managed to quit that by becoming a workaholic, working full time and part time without any days off. This kept my mind busy, but I did not get any time to socialize. I now realize that I haven't addressed my past issues. When my family member passed away, I couldn't even cry, I just felt numb.

Most of my close friends moved out of this country and I haven't made any friends since then. I struggle with social anxiety and loneliness. My social anxiety was so bad that it took me several months to attend a meetup. I can talk to strangers now and regularly attend meetups, but the biggest problem I'm facing now is that I just don't know how to connect with people, form friendships and bond. I tend to only talk about formal and introductory topics, but not personal ones. I can sense that people around me don't feel at ease. I suppose it's my fault since I'm not comfortable with myself.

I took advice from posts about making new friends, so I started to attend meetups. I have met several people from meetups and gone on hikes repeatedly with the same people, but couldn't make a single friend. I did not ask for anyone's phone number either. I just felt they would say no and wouldn't be comfortable around me. I wasn't always like this though. I loved to talk, have conversations, share stories, ideas, and life experiences, but when I'm with people, I just feel blank. 

I'm still positive. I have a good job. I will continue to eat healthy, exercise and put myself in situations that are out of my comfort zone. But I can't ignore the fact that some of my problems are beyond my control.