I first wanna thank anyone who takes the time out of their life to read this. I need to rant to someone who will understand how i feel and take me seriously.

First of all im 17, about to turn 18 in about a month. To everyone around me i seem like the happiest person on Earth. Im extremely sarcastic and bubbly and joke about almost anything. And i cant say im not happy, i am. I have a wonderful family who loves me, anything that i want in life when it comes to materialistic stuff and a lot of friends. But im hiding the other part of me. The part that never feels whole. The part that fears being aboundant. The part of me hurting myself. The part of me that eats food to try to fill that emptiness inside me that never goes away.

I always knew im different and weird. Im a teenage girl who doesn't go out and party, who plays video games all day, who browses reddit and watches PewDiePie play Minecraft. I dont know anyone like me. Im introverted in a sense that i like to be alone 90% of the time but when put in a group of people that i dont know ill always be the first one to introduce myself and say hi. 

Why I think I might have BPD:

1) Ive always been struggling with food. Ive done it all. Starved myself to the point of losing my period for 6 months. During that time i lost all od my muscle mass that ive earned during 7 years of volleyball training. Rn, if i tried, i wouldn't be able to do 1 push up (im serious. i really am). I made myself throw up. I used laxatives. I binged ate throughout the whole 2018 and was at my heaviest by the end of it. I hated myself. But this year, i lost all the weight that ive gained, even more and i was happy with my body for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, I got cocky. I started eating more and slowly started gaining the weight back. Eating disorders really do suck. You can never get too comfortable. You always need to be careful or else you wil bounce back to your old self.

2) I never felt whole. I feel emoty. I always feel like i have a hole in my stomach which i try to fill with food but i cant. I never felt like i belonged anywhere, or that i have a purpose in life.

3) I have horrible anger issues. When im mad, i will use anything to make the other person in an argument get hurt. I will use their weakness and use it against them. I know this sounds horrible and it is, but i only do it when im extremely mad, but i still get mad more than i should and even in those moments, i shut down and ghost (dont talk to them for some time) the other person.

4) I fear being alone. Even tho i want to be alone 90% of the time, im terrified of having noone and being aboundant.

5) One day i can love myself and feel as confident as ever and the next i feel worthless. I feel ugly, unworthy, stupid, slow and like im a burden to everyone around me.

6) This is a big one. I can go from loving the person to hating them really quickly. This happened mostly with my dad and my ex boyfriend. Ill explain 1 instance. Once i got so mad at my dad that i started to think about a plan on how to hurt him and make it hurt really good. I thought about leaving my country (which he really doesn't want me to do and gets really sad when i mentione it). Cutting all contact with him (only him, would stay in contact with mom cause it would hurt him more). Wouldn't invite him to my wedding. Not help him when he is old etc. And then the next thing i know, I love him again.

7) Self harm. I only cut my arms 3 times i think and it happened recently but what i do really often is that i take anything sharp (scissors, tweezers, knifes etc.) and cut my cuticles. It looks disgusting and it hurts but i still do it till this day and i just did it an hour ago. I sometimes cant control myself that i bring scissors or tweezers into school and do it in class.

How i came to know about BPD? While with my ex boyfriend, i was showing a lot worrying symptoms and he started doing research because he knew that, what i was doing, wasn't healthy. He came about BPD and explained what it is. It all made sense. I always thought that there was something wrong with me dont get me wrong. But u have to idea how good it feels to know what it might can be. Ofc this is not an official diagnosis and you should never self diagnose. I called different psychiatrists and scheduled a time with them couple of times but bailed out everytime. Im afraid. My mom doesn't know that i did it as well. My mom never believed me whem i said im not okay. I dont know if she just doesn't wanna think about her daughter having a disorder but i know that whenever i told her about something im doing that she would try to help me but i can tell she didnt take me seriously or maybe thought i was overracting. I once went to the psychologist for my eating disorder with her but it was a waste of time because my psychologist took our money just to tell me : "try eating 6 small meals a day". Yea right. I even told her that im doing that thing with my nails. And she said that she knew. Like wtf? Why not do something about it? She talked to me about it and took aways my tweezers and scissors, but she didnt even care enough to put them in a place i wont find or check my drawer where i hide them to check if i took them again cuz i did and she never asked me about it. Dont get me wrong, my mom is amazing. She is the best mom i can ask for and i love her to death. She is my best friend and i tell her everything (literally everything). I understand parents are people too and they make mistakes and i hold no grudges against her.

So the point of my long long thread is that im looking for people like me. I dont wanna feel alone anymore. Like im the only one "fuked in the head" like i would sometimes say when im upset. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read what i had to say. I really truly appreciate you.

TL;DR: i think i have BPD. Looking for people like me or at least people who can understand what im going through.