And my doctor saw this as a huge sign of improvement and decided I was healthy to work full time again. Prior to this I was on a partial sick leave as I worked on getting myself pieced back together. 

It started out good. It felt good to work again and everything being normal. 

Then depression hit me like a fucking truck and said “fuck you”. I barely sleep, or I sleep too much and miss time with my family. I’m constantly running on fumes. I put in a show every day trying to seem normal, but all I want to do is scream and go on a rampage on the closest inanimate object. 

I feel like I’m lying to myself, my family, my boss, my colleagues - everyone. 

I just want to put myself behind the wheels and smash myself into a wall. I don’t want to feel like this. Constant guilt. Constant thoughts of wanting to die. Constant misery. 

What the fuck can I do… the only thing that’s soothing me is that I know that I’m in control of at least one thing: I can end this whenever I want.