Hello everyone, first of let me say two things. I am using a throwaway acc just to have a bit of privacy while writing such things as below. Secondly, sorry if something puzzled you cause I am not a native English speaker. If you have any questions regarding my statements or about my post in general feel free to ask them.

I'm male in early twenties and I live in Russia. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, however I really doubt that because I had only one hypomanic episode in my entire life and this was due to taking antidepressants, and all doctors that I've met told me that I am bipolar, but I am completely sure that I have depression with inclusions of schizotypal disorder. What I mean by that is that I had paranoid psychotic episodes in my life, I had hallucinations and other strange things (If it's gonna help you may ask for details in the comments). Moreover, I assume that I have Aspergers, but this is not that important.

So, roughly a week ago I got off my me meds because I started to feel okay in general, I think I just got in remission. Of course, I got my doctor approvement. However, at this exact moment I just think that any life is a giant mistake, especially mine. Let me say that there is a certain thing in life that I deeply love, and this is art in general. I really love making music and playing different instruments. But I've never had the nerve to do music consistently because I am seriously addicted to gaming, especially to LoL. Note that I started playing videogames  when I was 5 years old. Besides music it's a thing that gives me joy, but also anger and dissapointment because I still lose games and sometimes rather frequently. If you played LoL, Dota or any other competitive game you know what I'm talking about. So, the most logical solution will be to delete LoL from my PC and do music. But this won't work. Because this summer I almost didn't play any games and made music every day and that led to total burnout. I refused to play guitar and I almost didn't listen to any music for a month. Then I just got over it somehow and things started to be normal again, but then I started playing LoL and here I am, writing this post at 5 o'clock in the morning smoking the last cigarette from the pack and thinking about what if I'll mix vodka that is in another room with leftover meds. I know right, that suicide is not a way out at least because death is extremely boring, more boring than staring at the wall for a whole day and this is the thing that puts me off. I'll say that I've never had the nerve in my life to accomplish something, I think that I am really not good at anything. Moreover, I am borderline penniless, I still have an IPhone 6s lol. So, I just have to work at the warehouse for little money just to buy something for my guitar equipement or to buy cigarettes. I study in the university though, but I decided I won't have a work that is connected to the area in which I study. In general it's extremely difficult to earn money from music in my country and I just don't know how I am going to earn money in the future, because music is the only thing that I want to do in my life. The future looks so bleak and uncertain, I am really not sure how to continue living without gaming because it's like the only source of dopamine and it doesn't require so much blood and sweat like the music does.

It's really funny how ones life is so fragile and frail yet one puts a lot of hours to something that one likes just to die in an accident for example. The reality is so ghostly and shadowy that it seems to me that life overall doesn't make any sense. All those futile exercises like going to gym, going to work and trying to improve oneself seem to me really funny and pathetic.

If this stream of  consciousness seem to you perplexing I apologize. I just wanted to let this out of my chest.