cw thoughts of suicide near end 

I had a disagreement with a few of my friends a couple days ago which spiked an episode. I blew up and got so insanely mad and cut them all off. I had this really excited high for a couple hours where i felt like I was a literal God and could do anything I wanted. Then yes, after that high wore off I regret everything I had done. They were the only friends I were close to and truly trusted, and here I am with this stupid life ruining disorder turning into a tornado and doing rash things that hurt me and other people. One of my friends approached me and said we could be friends again if I apologized sincerely to everyone else. I did that, but I was given a second chance with one, my apology half accepted with the other, and the last person didn’t forgive me at all. In their replies they said what I did was unnecessary and I should’ve thought about how I was hurting them. But that got me really mad at them even more, because they don’t understand how hard it is to control my moods. They don’t understand how scary it is for me in the moment, how frantic and erratic my actions are, and having no control over myself or knowing how to stop it. No one understands and they all expect me to be able to control my emotions as easy as them. It’s not some switch I can turn on and off. I can’t fucking breathe and I feel like I’m going to physically explode, but all i get told is to “stay calm.” Everyone thinks I’m just this asshole that can cut people off easily and not give a shit about their feelings. They cant see my actions past immature, and it really hurts. But it hurts even more that I was in the wrong and this disorder is no excuse for me to act how i acted. So they all chose to hate me, and I feel so hopeless right now because i ruined my life and their life over my stupid actions. They’re making everyone turn on me, and now I have nothing and no one left. I wish they could understand. I’m 80% sure I’m going to attempt tonight but I know I’m a coward. But then again, if i fail I’ll be able to get the proper help i need. It’s kind of like a cry for help I guess. I don’t know what to do. I hate this. I need help, advice, anything.