I'm 21. Recently I was honest with my mom about the way I truly feel, that I've been depressed ever since I lost my dad at 14. It was at a point this morning where I couldn't bring myself to go to work, so I didn't. I still live at home so my mom saw I wasn't at work and asked why and I didn't have a lame excuse to give her like usual. It was a terrible conversation that followed, see the reason I kept it hidden for so long is because I knew deep down it would upset her and make me feel even worse which is what happened. I love her and my family and hated seeing her cry. I haven't even told my older brother or stepdad yet because I'm afraid to give them the same pain. I agreed to go get help and made a doctors appointment today. They gave me a list of places I can call to speak with people qualified to handle this sort of stuff. But it feels pointless, and I feel guilty about that because I know there's still a few people who care about me.

I don't want to go through all this, I don't want the help I just wish there was a way I could fade out and no one would ever even notice. I don't want to die though that's why this hurts so much. The only reason I agreed to get help is because I know that's what my family wants, and that's all I've ever done my entire life is what OTHER people expect from me. This is my life and I can live it how I want to! If I don't want to work that should be okay! If I don't want to get out of bed that should be okay! And if I want to end things early that should be okay too. Or atleast that's how I feel. But those feelings are simply just not okay to anyone who doesn't feel this way too. 

So I'd like to talk with people who can relate.