He told me his heart was heavy and that he wanted to talk tonight so he drove to my house and we talked for an hour parked in his car. He told me he feels like his head is underwater from all the things he has to do in his life right now and that he can’t provide the love i deserve. I tried my best to be calm, validating, and appreciative of him communicating this with me. But i’m left feeling so scared and sad and now my heart is heavy. How he feels and his needs are of course 100% valid and I wish I could trust enough but my bpd makes things so chaotic and i’m reaching out for second opinions and reassurance I guess because i’m just really insecure on what is real and what is my bpd. 

Some of the things he did/said made me really confused. His actions weren’t matching his words. He was so affectionate in the beginning and held my hand super tight the entire time we were together. Yet when he dropped me off he gave me an awkward hug. That hurt me. I know that he told me he would want to eventually get back together but he said he had no idea when that eventually is and if we even did he said he wants to take it a lot slower. Then he said he feels like when we’re together his hearts not all there. That really hurt me. For the entirety of the conversation, i kept all of my hurt and emotions to myself. Because i care about him and him being vulnerable was really brave and so I just wanted to be there for him but now i’m in agony. 

Now i’m panicking and convinced that he just broke up with me and to spare me having an episode he just told me it was a break. I’m hyperventilating thinking about him with somebody else. I’m blinded in tears from knowing i’ll never see him again. He doesn’t love me anymore. i have nobody and i want to die. I am genuinely suicidal right now and all i want to do is talk to him and be in his arms. Please someone what is happening right now. I feel like i’m going insane. Someone please talk me down :(