Recently, within the past 2 years, I haven't been the same. I know people change and I surely have, in some good ways. But Within the past year I feel increasingly more insecure, Depressed, anti-social, Suicidal, isolated, and almost the whole list. Ever since school went online in 2020 for covid I feel like I have been in a never ending tumble into nothingness I guess is a way to put it. I used to go to school in person like everyone else until covid. Now i've been online. I still hang out with my friends and all that. And during late 2020 into early 2021, I met this girl through a once good friend. And we hit it off, she had a bf and he was a Grade A Asshole. Toxic and all that. So I started out just talking to her about it then I started liking her and she did likewise. It got sticky for a little while because she esstianally cheated on him with me. We never fucked or anything but she sent lewd pictures a lot. Started saying we love eachother on a pretty regular basis. I noticed she a little hot on my friend but I brushed it off. After a few months of this, it came to a height and the dam broke. She was talking shit on me to a bestfriend of mine (at the time) and he told me. And my one friend was always telling me, you gotta get out of this shit. I never listened but he was right. We all stopped talking and She kept harrasing me after I blocked her on everything. I talked to her not long ago to clear the waters but she was sour. After that whole ordeal I wasn't the same. Looking back I became more reclused, unconfident, and insecure. After that I kept going on with life and my friends. And the summer of 2021, I signed up for EMT classes, to follow in my paps footsteps, because It something I really do love. But I pussied out because of stress, then I went to school for 1 day and I pussied out and went back online. From there on I just have hated myself. I can't bare to look at myself, be it the mirror, a picture or a reflection in a black screen. I go out of my way to stop myself from seeing my reflection or anything. And when I do, my heart drops, and this feeling overwhelms me. I can't describe it. I haven't found anything funny, I usually would laugh at stuff like Sanford and son, Seinfeld, comedians like Dave Chappelle, Ricky Gervais. But its just not funny anymore, not much is. I still laugh at things that are genuinely funny but a lot of the time I force myself to laugh so im not staring a comedy special with a blank face for an hour. I got really into the 60s and its really all I listen to anymore. I recently stopped finding enjoyment in listening to music, or playing guitar. I can't really find enjoyment in anything. I'll put on a TV show like Dick Van Dyke, which I usually love but I cant find enjoyment to much anymore. I don't really want to do anything anymore with friends, they invite me to fish or come over their house and I make some excuse. Its not that I don't like them because I love them, I've known them forever. I saw a therapist on and off and still am but it doesn't help all much. And when I am around friends a lot of times I feel like im not really there, or wanted there. I feel like i'm never truly wanted anymore by anyone. And its not that I want people to have to want me and like me, No, I never really want to seek out attention, I never did. But I've known these people for 7 years and some 11+ years, and I care for them, they're my friends. And I feel like a stupid rock or something that just dragged around to do stuff. For example my dad would say "Hey we're going fishing tomorrow" or something like that and I just say okay sure, no emotions, I dont want to and I dont not want to. Its just like a robot saying somethings, its programmed too. Its not like im incapable of interacting with people in social situations, because I do. When me and my friends go out, Im usually the one who takes the lead and talks to people I dont know just to talk. I dont hunt people down to talk but Im not afraid to talk someone. 

I also have this thing where I won't talk to any of my friends for days or weeks, I say my phone is dead or lost it and I just isolate myself. Sometimes I'll hear my phone vibrate or the snapchat notification goes off and this shock of stress shoots through my body and I become just scared I guess. I like being alone, not in the sense I don't like my friends or cant bare to talk to them, I enjoy talking to them and all. I just like being alone. My mom doesn't help my case at all. She'll say something like "If you keep ignoring your phone, your friends on gonna want to talk to you anymore" Which stresses me out even more. But I don't tell anyone except my therapist sometimes. when I do see him.

It's all covered up, It's my problem not theirs. As a guy its more difficult I think. To show emotions but I am very unemotional so it may be me. I'll make a joke about suicide to a friend or something and they laugh and all. But it relieves the pressure and thoughts I have. Everyday suicide feels like a better option. I don't feel wanted, I feel like  useless husk of a  human who just does what he is told. And I don't want to be an asshole to my friends, but I feel like I am because I dont answer. They all know that I just like to disappear but I won't even tell my best friend about it. I wouldn't tell my wife (if I had one.) about it, my parents, or anyone. Suicide just seems like a decent option. I don't think I would ever do it. I have this attitude imprinted in me that as a guy I have to be good, I to meet a standard that I don't really know what it is, but I'm never enough, and I know I'm not. I could be more and better a lot of things.

Thats all i have to say. I just don't know what to do. If you made it here, thank you, for listening random person who I dont know. Genuinely thank you. if I need to elaborate on thing just ask.