I’ve been on Zoloft for about 3 weeks now and I’m starting to feel uncomfortably neutral. I usually often dissociate in different ways, often feeling like I’m in a dream, but this feels like a different type of dream. It just feels so off, like I can’t tell if it’s a dream or not. I’m missing my normal suicidal, absolutely miserable messed up self. I’ve been on 4 antidepressants so far in my life, and none have significantly helped me. I feel like they’re doing nothing but mushing my brain and making my vision worse. I spoke to my doctor today, planning to just get off of them entirely. I ended up staying on them though, as he said that me feeling neutral is a good thing. He also said they shouldn’t mess with my vision, even though I’ve seen tons of people say they can. I don’t understand why there only seem to be two options: be extremely miserable and want to kill myself constantly and feel a billion other weird negative indescribable things or take pills constantly, feel absolutely nothing, struggle to make sense of anything that’s going on as if my mind is just completely blank and miss the other option. I wish I could be one of the people that are genuinely happy and have reasons behind it. I can’t make reasons. Nothing about myself or the future matters to me and I can’t convince myself otherwise. I could still die right now and it would be whatever, I just don’t care about anything because I can’t feel anything right now. I just wouldn’t want my family or friends to experience that, that’s still my only reason. Even now, if I didn’t have the worry of my family and friends grieving the death of me, I’d kill myself. So I suppose I miss the constant presence of my suicidal thoughts, but the desire is still there. It’s like there’s an itch under my skin that I can’t scratch, and a ticklish discomfort in my chest. I don’t understand the feeling, but I just miss the thoughts. Part of me thinks that it’s only a matter of time before they come back and part of me is afraid that they never will. It’s so bizarre that you can practically become addicted to it. Perhaps it is the comfort of the consistency that I love, and the change and uncertainty of what’s to come that is so frightening. To me that sounds incorrect though, as I just don’t care about my future. I just feel extra scared and disconnected in this current state of mind. Though I still want to stop existing to stop feeling this way, I feel indifferent to the idea of suicide. It feels less enticing, but so does absolutely everything in life. I miss the enticement of suicide that I normally feel. I want to want to kill myself, I want to think about it constantly, and that makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like all of these years I’ve just been selfish, subconsciously doing things only for attention, and that I’m continuing to do exactly that. However, I know i’ve not. An emotional abusive relationship and genetics just messed me up I guess. I have no idea. I missed the abuse too before I started missing the consistency of my suicidal thoughts, now I just feel indifferent to everything about her. I don’t know, I’m writing and deleting a good bit of stuff. I constantly feel like nothing I’m saying is even accurate. I just don’t know what’s going on. I just feel like I’m in a white void mentally. I apologize for my rambling and lack of structure in this post. I hope this can at least bring some comfort to anyone out there who may be feeling something similar in any way.