For the past few days I’ve gone over very old pictures and text messages from years ago, in my very early teen years and oh my god.. i know I probably shouldn’t and I can’t let go of the fucking past, but I wasn’t crazy. I feel bad for the poor girl, people gaslit the shit out of me. Not only that, for further proof I’ve had the same people who stormed out of my life after convincing me I was a horrible person, message me recently and ask how I’m doing. Every single month it’s a new old ex or friend that made me hate myself. I mean these same people did so much damage, I have memories burned into me at this point. I was so convinced I was so lucky to have them or anyone in my life at that. I wanted myself dead for causing all the pain I made everyone sit through. 
You guys.. what if most of us, probably all, of us are blaming ourselves for something we didn’t do? I spent my whole teenage years hating myself so much over these people, I fought addiction and self mutilation. I fought family and relationships. 
And I totally see where I was an asshole, but shit at the time I had been going through so much at the time I looked like a rebellious teen wanting attention than this monster they told me I was. This is probably the first time I’ve ever had enough confidence to be like hey this wasn’t all my fault. The first time I’ve had balls to not even respond to these people who are trying to get ahold of me. I’m not exaggerating, every single month at least two people from my past try to get ahold of me.
But I was terrible? Toxic? Horrible? The worst person they’ve ever met? I was insane remember? I don’t think so at all. I reacted emotionally to what they were doing to me for years. The grooming, the lies, the drugs, being used and thrown aside. I was crazy every time I was upset, so I acted out more because I was crazy anyways. 
I hate that it took being in a healthy relationship to see this, I hate that this wasn’t even a thought until I got with someone who actually didn’t want to cause harm. 

Now, how do I heal my old self? How do I keep a promise to her that regardless of what happens I can’t revert backwards?