Long block of text here, but I’m on mobile so forgive me. I feel like this may give hope to some people. I literally cried when I found out I had BPD, not because I was sad, but because I was happy to know there was a name for all these crazy irrational feelings I was having and most importantly, knowing I wasn’t alone. 

A little background, I got married at 22, divorced at 24 and I had been with the guy since I was 18. I was too young at the time to realize that yes, I had issues with trust and projecting my feelings, but he caused a lot of those issues with his actions (pressuring me into being nonmonog, etc). But since this was my first relationship of my adult life I had no basis to go off of, other than the fact that he told me he loved me, and I chalked all of the issues up to me being crazy, which he told me I was. I was still very much in love with him when I left him and filed for divorce  because I realized that even if I was batshit crazy, I still deserved better than what he was giving me. 

Fast forward 3 months and I meet a guy. We chat about some of our favorite music, life, we both moved to this city at the same time, etc. He was incredibly nice and I asked him for his number, he asked if we could be just friends. One thing led to another and we hung out one night and ended up making out. Of course, I had idealized this guy and he was quickly becoming my FP because what wasn’t there to love about him? I fell in love at first sight (crazy I know). He too was going through a divorce and made it very clear he didn’t know what he wanted in the future. I said that was fine, but asked that we keep open communication. 

We dated for about 2 months and at this point I was head over heels for him, I was proud of myself because I had been able to give him space and have uncomfortable  conversations about where we stand and what our intentions were. At this point it was still up in the air. One day out of the blue, when I thought things had been going well, he broke up with me. He told me specifically that something wasn’t clicking for him. We decided to be friends, but he told me he needed some time before that could happen. I was devastated but I tried not to let that on. 

I respected his wishes (a huge victory in itself since I wanted to be friends with him immediately). Instead of spiraling out, I focused my irrational and racing thoughts on myself, I looked at apartments to move to a new city I had always wanted to move to and looked at my career paths because this was a real possibility if I wanted it. I told myself I couldn’t make someone feel the same way I did, and just not feeling it is a valid reason for a relationship to end, no matter my feelings. And at the end of the day, why would I want to be with someone who wasn’t sure? But it is completely okay for someone not to be sure in a new relationship. 

That was a really hard pill for me to swallow but it was done. So I channeled my energy into just continuing on with my life which inside sometimes felt so hard but fake it until you make it right? We are all worthy of someone who loves us back. It only took a few days for me to realize this wasn’t the end of the world and I was an interesting and worth while person and you can’t force someone to feel something they don’t. 
Fast forward a few weeks and we decide to hang out as friends, trying this healthy boundaries and friendship thing. It didn’t take long (a few weeks)  but we turned into great friends and he asked if I wanted to give it another shot. I said yes,but made my feelings very clear that he knew how I felt about him and he could take that back right now, but if he didn’t, we would be working towards a relationship, not this gray area. 
We’ve been together over a year now and we have a happy and healthy relationship. Realizing I would be fine without him allowed me to become more comfortable with myself and not hang onto the fact that he had broken up with me previously and see that as indication of his future actions. 

Sorry for the long post, but I couldn’t sleep and thought I’d share my little victory.