Ever since learning about BPD I have to wonder why I do everything I do. I just want everything to work out and I don't want to hurt him. I threw in a few random notes for more insight. 


I didn't want to say this stuff out loud to you because I felt like it would all come out in a mess of words that don't make sense. I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and it is ruining my life. I remember going into a clinic for a depression study and being rejected because I did not meet their needs. After a brief evaluation, the doctor concluded that I had BPD. I read articles on the Internet and the behavioral patterns described sounded exactly like me. It's so weird to finally have a name for this "condition" I have. It makes me feel tainted almost. 
     There seems to be no medication to combat BPD but there are "mood stabilizers." Therapy is HIGHLY recommended. I took all this information and just stuck it in the dark recesses of my mind. Fast forward to my relationship with you. 10 months in and I feel like I'm slowly driving you nuts. And I hate myself so much for it. You have your heart so set on this retreat working for me and I really, really want it to and I hope it does but I'm so scared it won't.**(My boyfriend signed me up for a 10 day meditation retreat which he thinks will help me out. I'm super for it. He claims that it isn't spiritual/religious in the least and it's more about learning mindfulness so that really intrigued me)** And the thing that kills me the most is I don't know if it's because I'm scared I'll lose YOU or just because I'll be ALONE. Because that's what seems to be at the root of this "mental disorder." Complete and utter terror at being abandoned. 
     According to articles online, they say it mostly stems from childhood trauma. I can believe that. And if you know enough about me then you know that's probably where it comes from. I think I love you. I'm sure I do. Everything I read about in these articles has me questioning my motives for everything. From what I read about relationship cycles for people with BPD, it sounds like us to a T. They all seem to emphasize how difficult and emotionally draining it is to be with someone with this disorder. I can step outside of myself enough to see that I drive you crazy.      
      Even now, writing this is making me cry like a little baby because I know I hurt you when I snap at you when all you're doing is trying your best. In my fucked up way of thinking, the things you do just translate to you being away from me or me losing you and it makes me angry and sad. 
     You know what all those articles say? People with BPD aren't capable of sustaining a healthy relationship because we are not mature enough emotionally to do so. It  says we have the emotional capacity of a CHILD. And that fact just kills me inside. Because I feel like I do love you. But it feels like doing so is going against a ton of odds. 
     I even went on Reddit **(Hi, reddit!)**and saw a thread where people talked about being in relationships with people with BPD. Nearly all of them (really I think it was ALL of them) said it was extremely hard and that the relationships didn't last. Too many mood swings, fights over nothing, and manipulative behavior was involved they said. And I can't do that to you. I can't and I don't want to. That's how I think I know I love you because I'm willing to break it off to help you. I wish I wasn't like this, you know? I wish I had grown up in a stable, happy normal home with a normal happy mom. I wish I was normal. I wish I could love you how you deserve to be loved. The reason I'm writing this now is because we're coming to a crossroads. And I want to stress that I will not think any less of you. I may be sad or angry at first but deep inside I completely understand and will not think any less of you whatever you decide. If you want to move in with me, I will look for a therapist that specializes in BPD and I will try my best to get the help that I need. For my sake and yours because you're important to me. But it'll probably be a tough road. It most likely will be. Or we can end our relationship now  and I'll move back to California **(I'm originally from California but I moved to Texas about 4 years ago on a whim. Crazy, I know)**. I will care about you no matter what you decide. 


             Love, 
                        (insert my name here)

