Hi, I got kicked out of uni finally (justified btw). I gave up on it a while ago because I felt I was too dumb, too lazy, too apathetic to be successful. My parents don't know about it. My plans for the future always just consisted of some vague idea of suicide. i wanted to wait until I was kicked out to trigger myself hard enough to go through with it. Well it happened and I feel nothing. Just empty. But not super suicidal like I had hoped. But now I have a million things I have to do if I actually want to keep on living and it just seems like a huge insurmountable climb ahead of me. Especially with no close friends or supportive family (i would've dropped out years ago if my parents were supportive but I'm supposed to be the prodigy of the family and earn a ton of money etc which I'm just not). Also I can't tell them that I got expelled because I'm afraid they'll kick me out of the house (I can't afford a place to live)

I tried to call in to the local employment office (essentially a government facility that's supposed to ensure everyone gets work) but my hands were shaky and I had a panic attack while on hold so I hung up. Idk what to do, i know I need psychotherapy but it's so hard to get a spot in this country, especially during covid. I had a chance for a spot years ago but I refused because I though I'd be fine if I just killed myself and other people need/deserve it more, so in a funny way it's actually my own fault. 

Idk usually I'm suicidal because of emotions like pain, self hatred, feelings of inadequacy. But now it seems more rational. Ive planned on killing myself at this point for a long time and the mountain of stuff ahead of me seems so huge while the path of suicide seems so easy in comparison

I posted this (more or less) on a different sub in my native language and some ppl there told me to admit myself into a psych ward but idk i don't feel like I'm 'sick enough' to go there plus i don't even know how or where to go. Mental health still has a huge stigma here and you actually can't do certain jobs of you have any history of mental health treatment, and since I just blocked all university education level jobs for myself I'd want to preserve the possibility of those jobs.

Idk I'm just very confused and don't know what to do