I am having a really hard time lately with my romantic relationship and am lost with what to do. I feel like I am being constantly triggered. I am paranoid all the time about him cheating on me, or about not really loving me. I read into the smallest thing so much and dwell on things for so long. 

He will say something completely benign about his day like the customer they dropped a product off too smiled at him, and some days I have a full scenario play through my head about him finding her really attractive then searching her on FB or Insta, then messaging her but not following her because he knows I'd see that, then having this kind of emotional affair with her or hooking up with her when work calls him out that way. When he works away I always think he is picking up women at pubs, or has downloaded Tinder while he's away. I imagine him talking about it all with his work mates, about how he's got the best of both worlds-a girlfriend at home and all these casual hook ups in different places that she doesn't know about. He travels to see his daughter every fortnight and I worry that he is trying to pick up a Mum of one of her team mates when they go to her sporting events. I think about him chatting up random women in shopping centres or again, downloading Tinder while he's away. 

When I'm not paranoid about that, I'm thinking about that one time that he joked I was hot enough to be as crazy as I am and that the second I age past his acceptable "hot" line then he will leave me for someone younger like my ex did, despite the fact her says he wants to marry me. Or I'll get sick one day and that will make him think I'm not attractive enough to be worth sticking around. I worry that he is one of those guys that wishes he worked out with a particular ex and will always love her more than anyone else and is just with me because I'm "enough" and conveniently timed and placed.  He has never actually given me any reason to not trust him, but I am always fighting the urge to check his phone or his work iPad. I am looking in his work bag or wallet at the end of every day when he's in the shower for "proof". I am looking over his clothes for hair. Sniffing for perfume. I had a friend search an online dating app for him. If he saw me do any of this I know he would leave me. I would leave me. He is actually amazing, but I can't seem to accept what I see and am going with the exaggerated nonsense in my head. 

I think the only thing that has saved me is that I am a massive internaliser and usually don't say anything about what is going on in my head. I know so much of what goes on in there is bananas and just my paranoia, fear of abandonment, insecurities, and past trauma having a party, but I can't seem to get a hold of it this time.  I am so tired of not being in control of this. I feel like I've lost my mind.