I’m 21 now and I honestly thought I wouldn’t end up lasting after 18. I don’t have a clear direction of where I want my life to go and I constantly feel like I’m watching days go by. I honestly kinda just feel numb to everything around and at this point I kinda feel like I’m living this life just so the people in my life don’t suffer at the loss of me. I don’t understand why I feel this way.
I have parents who tried their best to raise me and unconditionally love me. I have siblings who care about me. I have amazing friends who tolerate a lot of my BS. I have a dog who I love with all my heart. Even so I just feel perpetually lonely, like even when people are with me physically they just feel far away. 

Everything feels dull and looks dull. Everywhere I look, there’s always something crappy happening and I’m just tired of everything. Sometimes I think that maybe life would feel good if I were ignorant of the world around me, but unfortunately I read too much into things to ever ignore all the stuff going on. 

I don’t have the motivation to progress in many things. At this point I barely leave my house unless it’s for school or people drag me out. I barely even have much motivation to leave my bed.

The only time I ever feel strongly about anything is when I’m playing games, reading books/stories, or watching tv/movies. I smoke a lot of weed t cloud over any of my heavy and dark thoughts. Maybe this is just a form of escapism to make everything else more tolerable, I just don’t feel like I’m mentally built for this world. 

Things might be better if I tried therapy, but I already suck at communication/telling people about my issues and even if I wanted to I don’t really have the means of paying for it. I’m really just not sure where to go from here, so any advice is welcome.