Edit: The numbers got all fucked up but it's kinda cool because it's like they restart according to the different phases I went through with women

I'm just going to number the girls so I don't give away names. I'm gonna leave out all the girls that liked me because I couldn't fucking tell anyway.

0. (I forgot this one and don't feel like adjusting all the numbers). I liked her a lot. I got the dumb idea in my head that just staring at the girl I likedwould be a good idea. SHe looked uncomfortable but Ikept doing it. I finally worked up the balls to message her on AIM and she told me that she "hated me with a passion". Was so fucking confused. She was sort of the regina george of our school.

1. Led me on for a long time. Broke my heart in front of everyone. I tried to get her back. Wrote her a bunch of emails that she probably showed to everyone. Fucking pathetic. Everyone thought I was a creep. Sorry for being fucking codependent and lonely.

2. Dated her for 2 weeks in 5th grade. She was nice. Broke up with her because I was scared and not ever someone else.

3. Had a big crush on her for a long time. We had a class together and we always had a blast. I would make her laugh a lot. Finally admitted she liked me right before I went to a soccer practice. I came back and she was dating my friend. Made me so frustrated and confused.

4. We agreed to date online. I saw her in school the next day and avoided her and couldn't think of anything to say. She broke up with me that day. lasted 16 hours.

5. I liked her for a while but never said anything. She started dating my best friend. We all started hanging out together as a group. She was really flirty towards me and, once again, i used to make her laugh all the time. I caught feels. Bad. I knew it was wrong because she was with my friend but I thought I was in love. Wrote her what I thought was a heartfelt letter. She  thought it was creepy and showed it to all my friends. I started drinking and doing drugs and we didn't talk for a while. SHe comes back into my life. I thought she wanted to date me. Walk in on her and my brother cuddling during one of our parties. Then he tells me they made out (in hindsight, his lack of empathy is disturbing). He freaks out because he's sad and lonely. I feel bad and say he can date her if he wants, even though I hated the idea. I slowly start to lose my shit while they're dating. Me and my brother's relationship gets completely fucked up. Was around that time that I got into signing and guitar. I told him not to have her overhere (something he always gave me shit for but I just seriously wanted to pretend like they weren't dating). He has her over here a few weeks after they break up. I'm mad but leave them alone. I go into his room to play videogames the next morning. I see two used condoms sitting in an empty trash can (think she put them in a visible place on purpose). So many fucked up and sad feelings. My cousin (the one everyone calls an asshole when he isn't) was the only one that stood up for me and said something to her. She fucked me around for years.

6. We start dating. She seemed nice. Broke up with her the next day because it scared me.

7. Girl in my band. We hung out a lot at one point and she would do things to try and get my attention. She then slept with the guitarist and ended up going back to her awful boyfriend.

8. Thought she liked me. She was one of my closest friends. She held myhand one night and then we kissed (my first real one). She then disappered into a room upstairs (it was at a party) with another one of my friends and I didn't see her for the rest of the night. Next day she made a comment about "(friends name) being amazing last night" Felt awful and inadequate....again

9. She was very hot. Asked her out. She was all over me one night and clearly wanted to fuck (I was amazingly charming the last time I saw her). She slipped and hit her head on a table and had to go to the ER (are you fucking kidding me god?). I got clingy because I didn't realize she just wanted to fuck me. Ended up pushing her away. I was too scared to do anything about it when she tried to sleep with me later because I became convinced she was just teasing me.

10. Met her after I moved to the city. She was gathering donors for the red cross and I stopped to talk to her on the street. She liked me and gave me her number. I was too scared to call her back and had become convinced there was something wrong with texting a girl. I really regret this one. She was so different and goofy but badass too.

11. Met her through the girl that effed my brother. She led me on forever. Was very painful. Was trying to turn my life around at the time. She made me feel unloveable. Tried to sleep with me later but once again I didn't trust her by that point.

12. Thought she only liked me for my looks. Was distant with her. She tried to sleep with me but I was too scared.

13. Had a huge crush on her after meeting her on myspace when I was 16. We talked on AIM all the time. Met randomly at a bar. She kept touching me, I ignored her and got shitfaced. My best friend flirted with her all night. Made me feel horrible. He was nice enough not to sleep with her. But he could still be a complete fucking asshole when it came to rubbing my lack of assertiveness with women in my face by flirting with them (he'd done this a few times before and it made me not trust him)

Didn't go near any women for 3 years. Started sleeping with prostitutes. Sometimes I would literally imagine a life together with them. LIke some romanticized bullshit where I save them from their situation (which would later become a major delusion I had). I actually do think some of them really liked me because I was always really nice and respectful with them. ANd I think they also found my bashfulness endearing

14. It's an extremely long and complicated story to tell. This is the one that broke me. She was gorgeous and I adored her. Now I don't know what to think. 

15. Led me on sexually and then cheated on me. I really liked spending time with her despite everything. She was just really fucked up.

que psychosis and another 2 year break from women.

16. She saved my life. She's my favorite person (not dating) probably, which is why I don't want to hurt her.

17. We messed around. Tried to date me. I wouldn't. She started insulting me. I defended myself. She disappeared.

18. Really liked me. Told her I didn't want a relationship and said we should stop sleeping together because she clearly had feelings. She denied them, but eventually admitted to them. I was a complete asshole (I was still so pissed off about 14 and 15 and still delusional) at times, but she was also very passive-aggressive towards me. It was also really fun in the beginning though. Like the most fun I've had in a while. i also think she had a problem with lying. I'm now scared to get close to women because I don't want to hurt them like I did to her.

19. Being traumatized to the point where I don't give a fuck has made me really sexy and confident. Girls literally follow me around supermarkets and shit. Like really fucking hot girls. BUt I'm so distrusting and scared that I just can't do anything about it. Seriously feel like I want them to get the fuck away from me and hug me at the same time. It's bizarre.

thanks for reading.