so much comes with bpd. if you’re bpd, you’re almost guaranteed to have numerous other mental illnesses. i feel so, so powerless and helpless. i guess it’s because i just want control over the situation, but how can i not when i’ve been beaten down for so so long? i hurt so much and because of it, i always end up hurting others. i don’t mean to. i don’t want to hurt others. i care about them. i love them. i’m also so codependent. most importantly, i feel like i’ll never be able to find a happy, healthy relationship. we all know fps. my whole life revolves around them, and the idea that i will never be able to be happy with an fp is so suffocating. it seems like there is no hope. everything is too much. me, the world, my feelings and emotions, etc. i try so hard to try to control it or suppress it, but we all know how that goes. i depend so much on my fps and i’ll end up overwhelming them with all of my fucking problems. so what i feared the most, them leaving, ends up happening out of my desperate attempts to keep them close. how could i ever be happy like this?? i feel so lost. i’m lucky to have friends that love me and appreciate me, but it’s not the same if my fp doesn’t love me. that’s all i want. i won’t feel worthy, useful or happy if i don’t mean anything to my fp. i just need them to tell me i’m enough and that they love me and need me, or else i’m nothing. i hate it, because no fp will love me if i’m like this. i feel like i’m trying to dig myself out of a grave that i dug for myself, and the dirt i’m clawing at keeps coming lose and falling on top of me and suffocating me; i will panic and scream and try even harder in an attempt to get out, but that only worsens things. i feel so alone because of this. i just want my fp. 

venting aside, i love you guys. you all are so strong. i know how going through this is so, so miserable, yet you’re still here. i’m so proud of you guys.