Throughout our relationship, I was always made to feel like what I thought were valid feelings I was having, was because of my BPD. Granted, I did say some really horrible and abusive things to him throughout the relationship out of frustration with his lack of maturity and other issues with our communication and relationship.

 I thought many times acting like a drill sergeant would get him to grow up somehow. We both lied to each other a lot and as a result I would seek solace online to cope with feeling misunderstood and unwanted. There were also a lot of financial issues - there was many times when he helped me out of a bind with my cats or otherwise and I will say he was very caring and giving in that regard. He did take care of me.

It's been very difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I can't fix other people no matter what avenue I take though. I emotionally checked out of the the relationship well over a year ago and had tried to break it off with him multiple times.. which I know he would use against me as discarding and would consider them "episodes", but I was completely lucid.

 I realized I just didn't want to be with him and we weren't compatible socially, politically, nor did we share any of the same hobbies and very few values.. I did not consider him a very environmentally clean or physically hygenic person, and he was very physically self conscious to add to that, so there was a loss of attraction over the years. Is that de-valuing? 

 He also wanted biological kids, I do not.. he wants his future wife to take his last name, I want to keep my name.. these are core beliefs that can not be compromised on. I've always teetered back and forth on whether this is entirely my fault, whether this is my disorder in that Im just truly not capable of being in a relationship.. and I don't think he has ptsd.. because he's on Reddit saying he's the happiest he's ever been and already moved on to another girl (who he brought into my home while he was packing his things to move out) 

I don't know. I guess I just needed a place to rant and feel validated. Just because we broke up and it ended badly doesn't mean I regret meeting him.. this relationship taught me a lot.. I just don't know whether I'm worthy of another relationship, not that I want one right now, and I probably shouldn't look at his Reddit account anymore.. but am I crazy and this is all a result of my disorder and I let go the only person who will have ever loved me? Or am I making any sense at all.. probably no one will go through the trouble of reading all of this, but if you did, thank you.