I didnt even wanna live it. I remember crying on the last day of 2021 and wanting to attempt it. I still gave it another chance. Tried to give a new positive start with good intentions and optimism but went back to being shit. I have depression but my family makes it worse for me and the betrayals have literally just made me miserable and have pushed me more closer to death. First my father, I always thought he might be trash but he still cares a bit cuz I have done a lot for him but I got really ill and he literally waited till the very last moment to take me to hospital and the first thing he told me when I opened my eyes was the hospital bill and that I could have dressed better. My best friend of 7 years couldn't even make a call for me when my mouth was bleeding. All I asked was to call and ask if the clinic is open rn so I could come but she said "Its not my problem, your family should care. I cant call cuz I am shy". My brother always told me not to be friends with the maid. She proved him right. I went on and became friends with her and caught that backstabbing bitch redhanded stealing from my moms bag. My sister admitted she takes out her anger on me and told me how happy she would be if I die and wished she could be the one to do it. I have literally supported her my whole life even tho I am younger. My guy friend of few months just stopped talking to me all of a sudden and ghosted me for 10 days before replying that "Sorry I cant maintain this friendship anymore cuz I am simply too busy". Who does that? People dont realise but friendships are mutual and you cant just unsubscribe when you want to. Hes the one who made a lot of promises. What hurts is he did the same exact thing he said hed never do. Then my little friend that I had been helping for a few months ended up killing herself. I always stopped her by giving her facts and hope but this time I tried to stop her as a best friend and she ended up doing it a month ago. My good friend that I have been friends with for about 11 months suddenly changed and stopped talking as much as he used to. I have tried to talk about it like 3 times but he just apologises. I try to be understanding but he dismisses me all the time and doesnt care much which hurts so much cuz hes the only person I thought would never change and never leave or hurt me. I had been isolating myself for 1.5 years, didnt talk to anyone but then I met him and he restored my faith in people only to throw me back in the hole he got me out of. I have exams in less than 2 months and I literally cant cover the syllabus of 1 year in that short time. School is everything in South Asia especially where I live. I keep having breakdowns and I just cant get myself to study. I try so hard and do stuff like cooking, dancing, singing but everything makes me feel horrible and I dont even wanna be a therapist anymore after my friend died cuz everytime I try to help someone, I feel horrible and get reminded of her. I am just so miserable and will do it soon cuz every moment, I feel as knives are being launched at my heart. Everything happened so quickly and I feel horrible all the time and have nightmares too. No one cares and I cant trust anyone now either