I just felt like writing this on a post to give myself a bit of clarity, but I still see a potential future and here's why.... I feel that real true love never completely fades. I have had boyfriends in the past who I felt really strongly for when I was with them and a little after them, but I've always been able to 'bounce back' and find someone else who I feel just as strong for. Not like, just 'anybody' but someone who I like as much. Since my last break up with my ex, I have tried to do the same as I did before. Pick up my pieces and be on the lookout for someone who I can love just as much. I have found people who I've been attracted to, emotionally and physically, yet after a certain point of being with them, I realise that the things I find attractive about them are things I loved about my ex. So I thought maybe I need more time to heal. Now I can say I've healed in so far as I'm not falling to pieces over my ex, not crying, not jealous, no hatred and I'm more open to someone new and I'm also really fine being single, like quite happy, but even after a year and half and all the experiences I've had and people and even therapy, I still have this love for my ex and it's not like that nostalgic love I have for another ex of mine, who still makes me smile, but this kind of true love.

People have said to me that I should move on but then I ask them how and they list a bunch of things I've already done. 'Avoid places they'll be' *check* 'delete them off social media' *check* 'date other people' *check* (I've dated 6 others) 'go to another country for a while' *check* 'focus on yourself' *check* 'go out with friends and make new friends' *check* and I've enjoyed doing all those things and become a stronger person...

But the love and that little desire to be with him and have a future with maybe marriage and a kid, that's still in my heart and sometimes when I'm alone I imagine myself with him like that and it makes me happy. I know that I've become a much easier and nicer and interesting person so that I could definitely attract a nice guy into my life regardless of everything (and I have my bpd much better under my control) so I feel positive for my future in general. But I do see a future reality where me and my ex are together because as I've grown, I've come to understand him in more ways. Right now, we are not talking and he is with someone else, but we are also very young (early-mid 20s) so now may not be a good time for a serious relationship for me with anyone, including him. But in the future...I would like to try again I think.