We met in a mental facility. He was neurotypical until his break up with his GF. I was there for him. I listened (although when in person he would not pay attention to what I said/ hear me) he would bring everything back about himself. But I felt like I can talk to him since he was in the mental ward with me. It made me feel less lonely and more comfortable to open up over text (the main place where I can get a word out). 

To be honest, he made me feel bad about myself. I felt like social leftovers. I felt like I was low rate human being he’s settling for since he doesn’t feel good enough around other people. 

Nothing romantic ever happened between us. But I had moments where I felt some intimacy. He would ask to check my wrists to see if my cuts are healing (or that I don’t have new cuts, maybe?). Pathetic, I know, but I felt cared for and I had no one around me (in fact after my suicide attempt and after being released from the mental ward, I was emotionally abused by some family members and ignored.) I just felt desperate for any sign of kindness. 

Then, one day, our convo went from casual convo to him saying “I know I have been avoiding you” which I sensed but tried (for ONCE!!) to think about to be just in my distorted perception. I tried to ask if him not wanting to hang out with me/ having anything to do with me is a result of my BPD diagnosis which he knew about. He didn’t give a real answer which made me wonder about this for a long while. 

A month later I texted him asking him to be honest about how I contributed to him wanting to not see me. I explained that I need to know what I did wrong for me to fix up my behavior. I told him that I don’t know what I do wrong and would appreciate constructive criticism . He just replied with “um.. let more things go” 

True I don’t let things go, but the main issues I discussed with him were able a death in the family and other extreme problems. 


I feel like I have been left cold and exposed in the dark. When I see him around he looks away. I just feel like worthless trash. I lost so many people when I was in need for help. I was grieving and the responses I was given were to leave the building because my emotions are disturbing the peace. I was all alone. 


Whenever I feel numb, I end up trying to make myself feel something by doing bad things. Shoplifting, hook ups with guys who treat me like a sex toy, self harm. Etc.  I don’t know how to deal with these pathetic emotions. I hate how I feel. I hate how miserable my life is. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live either. 


I get therapy but I still can’t control my emotional outbursts until after the fact. Please help me. I don’t want to live like this. 