I have been depressed for years now. Everyday I realise the worst things about myself. There are small kids playing around in my building. I am a lonely, depressed person so no adult my age gives a damn about me. But these kids play around and actually call me out smiling at me. When this happens, I just freeze and I can't even smile back and try to play with them. This makes me feel so bad about myself. Once the kid sees I have no smile, he just gives a sad expression and runs away. This literally breaks me. Like how could I get so bad. They are just kids, they don't want anything from me, they haven't hurt me. I don't know why I go blank. I am so depressed that I don't feel anything anymore. I have always believed that we should smile back at kids because otherwise it will break their belief that the world is a nice place. It kills me when I break this belief and I feel so helpless for myself. I wish I didn't exist at all.