So over the past year and a half I’ve formed a pretty close friendship with someone. And I guess I’ve become pretty codependent. 

Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed them acting more distant, and chalked it up to them hating me. But everytime I asked about it they got kind of mad and said they were just busy and didn’t mind reassuring me but couldn’t argue about whether they hated me or not every single day. Which is fair I guess.

But last night they sent me a message saying they need space. And it’s not my fault and it’s not just me, they need space from everyone. To work on personal stuff. Which is fair. And makes sense in my brain I guess. And I support them 1000%. But it hurts so so so so much.

We’ve been texting constantly for months. And FaceTiming multiple times a week. And now, nothing. I love them so much. I miss them so much. It’s been 24 hours now and I’ve done nothing but cry all day long. Literally constantly. I don’t know how to stop. I feel nothing but completely pain. I feel like my heart is being ripped into a billion pieces and also lit on fire. Everything hurts and I don’t know how to cope, like at all.

I asked how much space exactly they need. And for how long. But they wouldn’t tell me. I have no parameters to work with here. I’m afraid that means it’ll be forever. I mean they said we’re still friends. But I know it won’t last. These things never do. I’ll give them the space they need, and over time they’ll get used to not hearing from me. And they’ll make new friends and move on and forget about me. And by the time they don’t need as much space it won’t matter. I’ll be nothing to them but they’ll still be everything to me and I’ll be left completely and utterly broken. 

I don’t know how to pick up the pieces. I don’t know how to move on. I feel like someone died. I’ve lost my best friend and I cannot function like at all. I haven’t eaten or slept or brushed my teeth or changed clothes or anything. I can’t make myself get up. I’ve just been laying in my bed and crying. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Some of my other friends have reached out to me. They say it’ll get easier. They say they love me and are here for me. But it won’t. And it doesn’t matter. I don’t want their love and support. I want my best friend. But that’s over. They’re gone. Nothing will ever be okay. I just want to die.