I'm not really welcome here since I dont post or reply or whatever, i just use reddit to vent about my fucking mental health. As a 22yo, i think i dont have much of a future. im still financially dependent of my parents, ive been in sort of a compulsion since november, i cant stop doing shit. my psychiatrist says i use tattoos as a replacement of self harm bc all i want is pain. in 3 months i did 17 tattoos, spent all my money, got a loan only to do that (already paid, im terrible with money but not that terrible). but not only that, i feel like im killing my mother with my behaviours, i feel like she hates me, i've been in a psychiatric hospital 9 times, i took a break in uni, i stopped all my languages studying, i cant stop doing shit. im 2 months clean from self harm but ill throw it away today right after i send this post. but i dont wanna cut myself, i really wanna die, i want to do something to kill myself and i know cutting wont do it. my mom hides all my meds because i already tried to kill myself 3 times with it so overdosing is not an option rn, unless its with other drugs but i dont know anyone to give me some drugs to kill me. i tried jumping off my window already and i didnt die.. im running out of options. ive thought about cutting my throat but i dont think ill have the strenght to cup so deeply.. i just wanna die  i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die