I thought I had overcome a large part of my BPD, I was wrong.  I recently came out at work as transgender and for the first time felt like I knew who I was.  During my journey, I became really good friends with someone who supported me unconditionally.  She quickly became my "favorite person" before I even knew there was a term for what I was feeling.  She always validates me, supports me and gives me exactly what I need.  We started hanging out fairly regularly and I came to realize I was becoming super dependent on her.  She has her own issues with depression/anxiety and she canceled on me about a month ago and it really triggered my abandonment issues.  

I gave her the silent treatment for days before finally talking to her.  We had what I considered a good conversation.  I agreed that we should have some lowkey hangouts because she said sometimes when we're hanging out it gets intense.  Which is always my fear, because when I am close to someone, especially my favorite person, I tell them everything.  But I was so afraid of losing her that I agreed to that and hoped we would be ok.

Well we hung out yesterday for the first time in a month and it started off ok but for some reason it felt different and I hated it.  I kept wondering what I could talk about without triggering her.  There were times she would talk about stuff going on with her and I just felt disconnected because I didnt know if it was ok for me to talk about how I'm feeling.  I also started to feel super self conscious of the fact that I have no idea who i am outside of my job and my identity as a trans woman.  I want nothing more than to be a normal friend and I dont know how to do that.  

She also struggles with alcohol and when we went to lunch she ordered a drink.  I asked if that was a good idea and she was confident that it was ok and so I let it go.  But then she ordered another and while I didnt say anything I know I should have.  I should have said no and been a friend instead of an enabler.  But I just wanted to hangout with my friend, I didnt want to start an argument and have her be angry with me and possibly lose her.  But then I got home and spent the whole night worrying that she was continuing to drink and that I was a shit friend.