Just to state, since it’s my first post here, I’m a 22 years old woman diagnosed with anxiety, bipolar disorder and BPD. My first diagnosis was on 2018. Even before I harmed myself but my situation only kept getting worst. Psychiatrists, therapists, other doctors, pills, ERs and psychiatric wards… I can’t do it anymore so after my last hospitalization im August of this year, I decided to just take my pills and swallow everything else. Be an adult. Work (which one of my doctors was against). But that’s bullshit. I’m exhausted. I don’t even have time for therapy other than talking to one of my doctors over messages every now and then. I finally broke down a little while ago and ever since my days consist on working on automatic, pretend I’m okay and spend my nights either with alcohol or cry myself to sleep while fighting the urge of harming myself. And you must understand how it drains our energies to resist the temptation. 

“In the documentary I watched today, when Selena gets diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she was discussing with her manager if she wants to tell people about it or not. And something she said is stuck on my mind: “like- what? Like, certain people or directors or something may not wanna work with me? But then why would I wanna work with them anyway?”. And then I remember when I was in HS, I used to talk to the school therapist and she’d ask me: “Why do you keep apologizing?”.

And now it hit me… I’m tired of apologizing for who I am. For how I feel, as fucked up as these feelings and emotions can be. I’m tired of apologizing for things that aren’t my choice or the traumas and mental issues. I didn’t ask to have the combo of anxiety, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder.

Truth is: I’m scared to be lonely because of all these issues and traumas I developed growing up in a fucked up environment. No one, no matter how close to me, knows what I have to deal with. They wouldn’t survive a day with my mind. None of them lives and feels what I do. And I know I’m hard to deal with. I acknowledge that. But it doesn’t mean that I have to be with people, even if I like them, if I can’t be myself. I do enough pretending to be fine while drinking to cope with my thoughts, crying myself to sleep (if I do) and fighting everyday the urge of harming myself. 

My point is: I like you, x, but I love myself. If I have to keep worrying about what I’m gonna say or how will I act, overthinking and afraid of the response, then I’d rather suffer alone. You’re a nice guy but you don’t want me entirely, with all my issues. And I don’t want you because of that. Because as much as is hard to deal with everything I deal with on my own, is even harder when I have to worry and fear how the other person will react as well. 

All of this is actually for myself. 

I need to put all of this on my mind.

I would be unfair to both of us if I kept apologizing for my feelings and try to act on automatic. All serious and like an only rational person. I don’t want to have to suppress my feelings with my partner.

You mentioned having healthy and unhealthy ways to heal your inner child. If it was that simple, I wouldn’t have any issues. I would know how to cope with my issues in a healthy way. But it’s not that simple. I don’t have this control. At least I won’t have it until some point after allowing my inner child out. 

Well, this thesis was wrote by a very rational (and, at the moment, stable) adult. Which is what you need 24/7. I’m not this person. 

I wanna feel and react without faking or holding back any emotions and live afraid of the response. 

You wanted rational, here is rational. I’m swallowing my emotions. But I’m so fucking tired of doing so.”