I wad diagnosed a few years back, and I stopped seeing therapists at around that time. I had spent my whole life dealing with therapists who didn't get me, and lived in a psychiatric clinic for almost two years.... I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to feel normal, to be like everyone else. To do whatever I wanted to do, without having to go twice a week to some asshole I didn't even feel like talking to.
I moved from my mother's home, and here I am.
Disdociating every other day or so, having anger outbursts whenever anything happens. My boyfriend almost left me today, because of my behavior. He said I was not even trying to get help.
He was right. I don't trust therapists. I've seen them since the age of 5 and none of them has ever helped me so far.
But he's right. I need support. From a professional. I couldn't accept it then but I accept it now: I can't deal with this by myself. I can't win this fight against myself all alone. All I do is self sabotage and hate myself. It's like I'm different people at times, one that wants help, and one that's too arrogant to accept it being necessary.
But I did message a new therapist in my new town. Hoping that they'll understand me and that I'll trust them.
I'm finally doing it. I'm scared and anxious but it's needed. I really hope this makes a difference.