I was pretty much depression free for a few months. I was doing good, I was productive and I was scoial.  
But now, idk why, I realised how lonely I am again, and sent me down a spiral of an all too familiar depression. I've always had suicidal thoughts (like my whole life) but recently they bumped up in frequency. It's not as bad as it was last year, where I would think about killing myself in front of all my peers every day, multiple times a day.  
It sounds so petty but I wish I just had someone to hold man, but that in of itself is a paradox because I tried dating at my lowest low, and realised it made everything worse.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm taking anti depressants but I don't have a perscription (my mom gives me a pill a day, probably trying to help my anxiety since she doesn't know about the depression)  
I was reffered to our schools Psyciatrist a few days ago, but she only comes once a month. Not because I shared anything about my depression but more about my lack of productivity, which the counselor believes might be leading me into a depression.  
Maybe the pills help, maybe they don't. I just don't wanna be alone anymore.