i think the only thing worse than experiencing bpd moments for me, is actually being aware of it happening at the time. 

and i don't mean taking the opportunity being conscious of it to actually try talk myself down from certain behaviours or away from certain thoughts. i mean being aware it's happening but enabling myself to continue with it anyway.

like example, splitting on someone is a subconscious thing for me in most cases. but splitting on someone while being actively *aware* that i'm splitting on them sucks. being aware that it's likely all for a ridiculous (probably hypocritical in retrospect) reason, that this really *shouldn't* be the reaction i'm having, and that i'm probably hurting them too by acting this way. that i want bad things to happen to them because of what they did/are doing, and that i'm just letting myself think and act like this. it's shit behaviour. it sucks.

i hate myself and i'm exhausted my brain is fucked up