no one is going to have my back. no one is ever going to love me the way i love them. i think i just sacrificed myself to the person i love most, and i know they won’t ever think about it in that sense. i’m never going to be credited for putting myself on the line to shelter those around me. i never wanted credit, or expected it but when you lose your life to those around you so many times, you’d want to be acknowledged in the end. i have completely lost myself. i don’t live for me. and i can’t remember the last time i did. leaving hospital was supposed to feel better than this. but i think i feel worse than when i was first admitted. all i realised is that i do not belong to me. i belong to those i cherish, because i would do anything for them. i’d kill for them. i’d die for them. i’d live for them. i’d kill myself for them. i don’t belong to me anymore. and no ones ever going to realise it. maybe i’m completely delusional. but i think i just gave myself to the rest of the world. and cleverly disguised it. put it under the facade that i was suffering. but i was keeping myself alive, to keep everyone else alive. i do not belong to myself. i’m never going to be held the way i hold others. and maybe they don’t have the capacity or maybe i’m truly delusional. no one could endure what i just endured. let alone willingly choose it. but here i am. defying all odds i set myself as a point blank dead person. i was brought to this world to be used, and now i can never leave. i will never kill myself because the world depends on me. it will fall apart without me. and i want to kill myself. everyday i want to kill myself. and i believed that the world wouldn’t stop turning if i did, i know it wouldn’t. but the world i built around me would crumble. i’ve created a dependency. i am the drug. the world is dependant on me. i’m always there to talk you out of killing yourself. i even stay alive to keep you alive. but you won’t stay alive for me. you only stay alive, when i tell you that you should because i asked you to. but you never asked me to stay alive. i just knew that if i would, you couldn’t kill yourself. and here we are. the world is alive, and i am completely erased. this is it.