so recently I made a big mistake 

long story short, I (F22) dated this person (F23) for about a year from 2018-2019 and decided to call it quits because I was not ready for a relationship (related to BPD). I ended things, she was heartbroken but we remained really good friends. 

I’ve undergone a lot of therapy in the past 8 months. A lot less bothers me now than it used to. I genuinely without doubt thought I was ready for a relationship again, and I was still very in love with this person and I wanted to get back together. So did she, but she was actively seeing someone (F25). The person she was seeing was in an open relationship with her live in boyfriend, so it seemed like a no brainer that girl would not be in the picture if we rekindled our relationship. 

I was mistaken. I was told she would not be cutting this person off, because she was “too big of a support system”. She said she’d cut things off sexually and romantically, but I am not allowed to ask her to stop being friends with this person. Also important to note, we live in different cities. One thing lead to another, and I exploded on her. For putting me second to this girl she’s known for a couple of months. I told her to go fuck herself, blocked her on everything. Violently mean for absolutely no reason. 

I waited a couple days before apologizing very sincerely. I ran it by my friends to make sure it wasn’t accidentally manipulative. The summary was essentially, “This is what I did. This is how it affected you. There are no excuses, I am just deeply sorry and I hope you’re doing okay”. 

And she hasn’t responded. And I don’t think she will. I know I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I know she has every right to set a boundary with me. But it hurts so badly knowing a brief loss of control, something that hasn’t happened in a while for me, just took away the most important person in my life and the only person that truly understood me. I think I’m mostly just venting, trying to be okay with what I know is logical and not let my emotions take control again. 

Has anyone else had to cope with not being forgiven? and how tf did you do it???? Because ouch.