I realized that when I'm in the middle ground, everything feels gray and unstimulated. i believe my mind resorts to mood swings and idealization to avoid what it believes to boring. kinda like a relationship with someone in which the couple constantly argues which results in electricity (whether they are conscious of it or not). i believe my mind has not only become addicted to stimulating itself, but also to the act of attempting to de-stimulate itself; which inevitably leads to a toxic cycle. when I just kinda go along with the gray feeling, i notice my desire to idealize, have a mood swing, or get high. however, when I dont go along with those behaviors, I feel gray but also incredibly more stable than normal.