TLDR: I think I’m in denial about me being depressed so to prove to myself I’m depressed I’m building up tolerance to start hurting myself with razor blades and have made a suicide plan with a list of things I need to do before I might go.

Bear with me. I have a constant feeling of doubt and keep telling myself that I’m faking my depression, which then results in me needing to prove to myself that there might be something wrong. It’s gotten to a point where I’ve needed to step back and start evaluating.

I’ve been in a school shooting. It sucks. I’m a closeted queer in a conservative town. It sucks. It’s been horrible ever since the start of the pandemic. I have both ADHD and Anxiety, but never been diagnosed with Depression before and I only take medication for ADHD and Anxiety. My parents aren’t very accommodating to it. My neurodivergency and anxiety makes it extremely difficult to stay on top of things I need to do as well as socially interact with other people resulting in a constant paranoia of everyone hating me, and having a constant feeling of not being who people think I am, thinking that I don’t belong, and believing that I’m an inherently horrible person that has to make up for my mere existence by apologizing profusely. 

I’m either sad, dispassionate, or neutral most of the time despite the fact that I should be looking towards stuff (my birthday is soon, college, and auditions for plays). I’m tired all the time so I’m sleeping a lot, I have many pages of rants on my phone talking about how much I hate myself, and I’m loosing weight to the point where my already size small clothes are too big. However despite this I am a grade A student and am enrolled in APs and honors classes, my teachers tell me that I’m “doing well”, I’m still doing my schoolwork and have kept my continuous interest in acting. So maybe I don’t have it.

But yet as of recently I’m going through drastic measures to prove to myself that I might be depressed. I’ve been hurting myself with sharp objects not only because I’m on the edge of whether or not I want to permanently scar myself but working my way up to hurting myself with a razor blade. I’m putting together a list of things I need to take care of such as make peace with my friends and people I’ve wronged in the past. I’ve made a plan of suicide where I might hang myself or kill myself with carbon monoxide poisoning. I can’t go through with it because although I don’t want to exist, I’m afraid of death.

So now I’m starting to realize some stuff. Maybe I’m trying to make myself believe I’m depressed, maybe there is another underlying issue. Is there something wrong with me?? Please I appreciate any feedback.