I dont want to go into to much detail cause he has reddit, though this is my anonymous account, but basically I had been looking forward to spending a weekend with my friend this past weekend. He hasn't really spent time in my new apartment, and I was looking forward to spending time with him too, as with covid and a long drive between us, we mostly talk online.

Well, because of factors outside of my and his control, he ended up going home much earlier than I thought. He left pretty late, after dinner. So, I was just... on my own. 

And like, I can't blame him. I understand he really couldn't help the situation. The best option for him was to go back home. He had communicated with me what was up, and i really felt so much empathy for him.. cause, I've been there and I've gone through similar shit. There wasn't anything I could really do to help the situation, and really all he needed was to leave. And it wasn't about me at all, so I know i shouldn't take it personally. I care about him so deeply, so of course I always want him to make choices that are in his best interests. And I know this was just one of those times, where there was nothing I could do. And of course I started beating myself up for not being able to do more to help the situation, but of course, that is another thing I just shoved aside because it just wasn't about me. I did as much as i know how to do, and part of that was letting him feel safe to speak up and tell me he needed to go home, and supporting that. 

 So, of course I supported him in that and he got home safe and i am glad it all got sorted out in a healthy way for him. Again, for his privacy I am not going into any more detail about that situation as it isnt my deal, but I have a lot of thoughts about this. I am also in need of space to talk about my feelings coming out of it is all, which is the point here and which is why i am not trying to focus on his stuff too much. 

The thing is, as much as i felt for him and was trying to be a good friend in the moment, it still sucked. I was really, really sad that he left, because he just never comes round here. It was just so sad, and i felt so isolated and lonely as I had been prepared to have a friend with me this weekend. But I didn't tell him that, and I dont plan on it either, because it isnt fair to him. Like, this situation was not about me, and I understand that, so I dont want to make him feel bad about it by making it about me and how sad I was that he left.  After all, it is only one visit, and it isnt like he and i aren't gonna talk or hang out again. It really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. No value would be added to the situation if i told him how intensly sad this made me, because i know the intense sadness is irrational. And yet, I was so so sad. I felt like I failed at being a friend/host. I just felt like it was all my fault, I can't do anything right, and 

Anyways, I handled it poorly. I got really high and drunk and stayed up all night crying until I passed out at 6am, and woke up just in time for class this afternoon. I just cried and cried and cried. I felt so useless and pathetic and like, mad at myself that I reacted in this way. I want to be a better friend but I cant do that if I react this way when my friends need my help. Of course I tried my best to hide this from him, and wont tell him about it, but it just sucks anyways because like.... WHY. Why am Iike this. Life would go so much smoother if I could just take life as it is and not become so overwhelmed with grief every time something unexpected happens. 

I hate feeling selfish, but I feel like such a selfish and self centered asshole when I react this way. I hate that my brain floods me with emotions when I'm trying to just be of support. I want to react in a normal way, not make everything about myself. Ugh. 

Anyways

Thanks for listening if you read this far. I just needed to shout about it into the void. Gonna finally start therapy again next week thank god.