So since i was young i used to think i lived a yellow life; everything perfect and lovely.. nothing but happiness and joy filling my days.. 

As i started to grow up, puberty hit me and my eyes started to open wider and wider seeing the things i wasn't able to see nor understand as a child. I began to realize the bigger picture of my life.. not gonna lie, every day(to this very moment) i discover that it is more fucked up than i thought it was and the more i think about it the more i realize that the reason of all of this is one and only.. it is sadly my dad, it was easy to get but hard to accept since he's my own dad and the real picture of him that i've discovered lately was completely different than the one my younger self believed it was. The consequences of realizing that hit me quite harsh.. i didn't know whether to love my dad or hate him.. i was in between those two feelings: he is for me just a person that i have to live with under the same roof, but when i understood that i have never loved my dad and that it was rather a relation of fear more than anything i accepted the truth as it is. 


*I don't want to enter in the details of my dad's personality, character and why he's the source of every problem but to put you in context: he's selfish, authoritarian, wants to rule every bit of people's lives and believes only what he thinks of is true, his personality traits matches those of a dictator doesn't accept any type of discussion about his decisions and ig he's a toxic parent since i found out on google that the definition of a toxic parent directly implies on him.

Anyway to the heart of the problem now, one day.. i donno how it happened and when exactly but i had this sudden and unexpected flashback that came out of nowhere which brought me an old memory that i still doubt. I was really ignorant of that memory untill the flash back took place. I remember that my mom was out of town my dad brought my aunt over to take care of us.. it was at night when they told us (me and my brother) that we should have a shower and that they're going to take it for us, my brother went in first and they told him that the power is off so there's no light and told him to take all of his clothes off which we'r not used to (we used to shower with an underwear at least in my mom's presence) he followed them and he got out and then when it was my turn i refused at first to take everything off but they had me to do it then in the shower it was awkward cuz it felt wierd showering naked infront of them two. I was showing them only my back facing the wall so that they don't see any of my private parts. After some moments while they were washing me and applying soap all over my body i felt a hand touching my penis, i was confused.. it was my aunt.. i tried to resist but she didn't stop that until a weird feeling hit me and i told them it hurts and only then it stopped. then i remember getting out and dad gave me a pill and told me to go to sleep and i don't really know what happened after that.. anyway in the next morning i remember dad joking and saying "you'r still alive right?" and my little brother asking me what happened last night..



Anyway this memory hit me hard and i didn't know what to do.. in fact even though i am quite sure it is a true memory since i can remember very fine details and the different feelings i experienced, it is so vivid in my mind that it cannot be made up, in addition to that every time i remember it, it is the same, nothing changes  and the events are perfectly the same as i remembered them the last time which proves it's authenticity ig.

But the problem is I refuse to believe that memory cuz it's quite tragic and i really don't know where it was in the past  before the flashback hit me. I even searched in google the percentage of a memory to be false and how to tell a real from a made up one.. even though the percentage of a memory to be false is 60% i don't think it is the case with this one but in the same time i think.. why did i remember it in that specific period of time where i experienced the dilemma and uncertainty about my relation with my dad.. did all of that thinking and uncertitude trigger my brain to remember and recover things it burried long time ago? since forgetting some things from our past is a defense mechanism our brains do to traumatic events.. or is the real defense mechanism that happened is creating a memory in order to help me get throught that miserable state of mind and quickly make a final decision concerning my son to father realtion and finally end the suffer at once?
what if it's true ( which, for me, is more likely the case).. what should i do and how should i act.
If not.. what does that mean? does it mean that there's a problem within me?

I am really lost in this and am asking for your honest opinion.