Ok so full disclosure, I'm not sure whether I have BPD or just some traits that I got from my dx BPD mom. That's why I cross-posted. I just feel like maybe some here will have experience with similar issues.


I've coped with a lot of my emotional issues by just numbing myself and closing myself up, because I had no other choice (it was unbearable otherwise). I lived my life in varying states of numbness, dissociation, or cold on the surface with way too many emotions deep down. A few years ago, when I'd been dissociated for so long, I became terrified of staying that way and sick of not letting myself feel my full emotions. I basically felt so detached it felt like I was dying or going to just float away from earth, and I don't know how to explain it but I suddenly became terrified of the thought of pushing my emotions down again, like my life depended on not doing that.

It was like something snapped, I put my foot down and just refused to numb to cope, and let my emotions flow. Considering a lot of my natural emotions are extremely strong and negative, I've just been incredibly sad and anxious a lot of the time since then. But it's like I had this desperate need to have my emotions heard, and doing the whole closing back up thing sounded terrifying. It's so weird and I don't know how to explain it. I think part of it was like at one point I convinced myself numbing was my whole problem, and it was like I was promising myself if I could just let myself feel my emotions and open up to people, suddenly things would be ok and cure the emptiness and I could relate to people healthily and without pain.

If I had to guess in a therapy sort of way, I almost feel like maybe my inner child was screaming to be heard or something. Especially because around the point this started I'd gone through some trauma and started thinking about my childhood a lot, basically obsessing over what could've been different and how my life now could be better if it had. And a lot of that was focused around getting more love and having more supportive people closer to me growing up. Anyway.