Hello, this will be maybe a little bit longer, but i just want to get it off me. I have depressions and social anxiety, im not alcoholic, but alcohol helps me talk to people + not feel so trapped when going outside, so i drank pretty often, just to feel normal around people. I always hated myself, i was thinking about suicide all the time and i was "hurting" myself. Next thing is, i was too kind to other people, i was so happy when someone talked to me, so i was always nice to everyone, even at work, i was helping everyone, talk to everyone, because you know what, be nice and people will be nice to you. Next thing is probably due to anxiety and depressions, i just cant say "no" when someone told me to do this and this in work, even if i dont need to, i was just like "Yes, no problem" i never said "No". I was down all the time, crying alone in my room, looking like zombie when i was outside, there were days when i did not say a single word and my only conversations were with me in my head, but sometimes, i was just looking to the void, not thinking about anything. But the main thing is, i was helping everyone and i was kind to everyone. And you know what ? Everyone was just using be because of my kindness ! Even if i helped them, they were talking behind my back about how weird i am, how queer i look and that im boring, but then they came with smile "Hey John, help me with this please, thanks a lot you are best". And i dont count many smiles when they needed some money from me, i just lend them money and guess what, never saw it back. I was stupid, i hoped that i will get some friends this way, and i know it was heavily because of anxiety and depressions, but still, i tried to be the best person !

Well, now its different. I was angry one day, so i get rid of alcohol, all my pills, cigs etc. and for the last month i drink only coffee here and there +  i train and eat healthy. And guess what ? My behavior and look on world completely changed this month. Maybe not for the best, maybe yes, who knows, but i dont care its little bit "Joker" situation, where i started hating people, i mean i did what i could and everyone was just using me, everyone is fake, well now, im not hating myself. As i see it, now im hating everyone else except me ! And why not ? Everyone is fake, bad, even good people are just fake smilling at you. Now when i go outside, im still nervous, but its different, now its like im just waiting for someone to confront me, so i can confront him back. Now i dont care about everyone else, i just wish them all the worst. Fck everyone is right now my state ! And why not, if i tried my best ? I just saw how people really are :)