5 months ago I was on the brink &amp; my family brought me in to a psych ward. I knew about my prior diagnoses going into it so I thought my circumstances were to blame for my poor mental health. I knew I had ADHD, depression &amp; anxiety. I was struggling with withdrawals from adderall because I had convinced myself that the pills were contributing negatively more than positively, I think I was over prescribed. 

While in the ward i’m really honest about what I was experiencing &amp; everything I felt. I was starting to become hopeful by the end of my stay, truly desiring a healthy mindset. I knew from the beginning I wanted to come out of there with a clear medical label for whatever mental illness I was experiencing. 

When I left I didn’t get that, my paperwork said the same conditions I went in knowing about. It was disappointing, but I stuck with the assigned meds for a month. I had never taken an antipsychotic before and was cautious of it and didn’t like taking due to my initial reaction to it. So, somehow I convinced my to not take any of the medications while still filling scripts so family wouldn’t question me. I really believed I could turn out to be fine. 

4 months later. today I’m on my health insurance mobile app showing my friend (same insurance) because she wasn’t sure how to use the app. I stumbled into my medical records clicked “view more” and saw Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m shocked because my outake paperwork did not say that. I know it didn’t say that. 

after I left the hospital, I had to move back in with my dad because I couldn’t support myself. it’s slowly developed into living the exact same day over and over again. stopped therapy, completely avoiding reality &amp; responsibility to get back on my feet. dissociation on extreme levels, i’ve never felt more unsure of who I am. I’ve definitely had a couple drug binders, nothing life threatening, but completely unnecessary and impulsive, definitely damaging to my mental health. 

I’m completely shocked I have an on record BPD diagnosis without being notified. i’m feeling a lot of shame right now &amp; i’m full of “what if’s”

Before I found this out, I did reach out to a therapist near my dads home to get that going again. I’m planning to start the meds since I still have them in my possession. I feel blindsided. This is my first post here, read the rules so if i’m breaking one please tell me and I will try to fix it. thanks for reading.