Before you say it, getting professional help is not an option for me. It's not impossible financially, but there are other reasons I don't want to talk about here right now.

I don't even know if  writing here will help me. I don't think it will. I just want to tell someone who'd understand, maybe even relate. I am finding it increasingly difficult to wake up and go about my life like it's fine. Like it's normal.

I've written goodbye notes twice before. One time I had torn it up and thrown away, the other I have sealed and kept in my wardrobe in case I do something. It's addressed to my boyfriend and an (ex) friend.

I know it's stupid. I know I have no real actual problems in my life. I know about 95% of the world have it way way worse. I feel so guilty about being this way. But all I want is for it all to end. Even the tiniest of thing triggers me. I feel worthless, unloved and don't think I even deserve to be alive. I know right, how dramatic. But that's how I feel and I want to die but I don't have the guts to do it but it just hurts too much and I want it to stop. I am so tired. Like I'm physically tired of all the sadness and the crying. Every night I wish I don't wake up the next morning. I pray to pass away quietly in my sleep.