Probably the twentieth or hundredth time that I make the situation so unbearable that my best and only friend accepted to leave me again. 

Well, I asked for it and now I feel the despair increasing subtly. However, I do want him to leave me. Not just him, anyone.

I want to sleep quietly and retreat into a place where my stupidy won't ruin anyone's life but my own.

Anxienty is paying a visit again. I need to pull together all the strength that I still have in order to not contact him. 

I'm trying to accomplish a few tasks: read all books from this list, finish all exercises from a chapter, 

walk, watch this thing 4 times. Only check skype in february, no, wait, check only next week, no, wait, check tonight, BAM, I just checked it and then I die because I find nothing but dusty poisoned old words. Those old words are from yesterday, by the way. 

Yes, I know. It's hilarious. It's painfully laughable. But I think he really left me this time. 

Anyways, whether he stays or goes away, I'll be lonely.