So I’ve posted this in another community as well, cuz I’m really in need of advice. 

So I lost my dad 8 years ago, my mom abandoned me. She was never a good mom, cheated on my dad. Was a cheater, liar, manipulator, a psychopath who was somewhat dangerous and me and my sister had a very traumatic childhood. and then I lost my sister to suicide 3 years ago. Just because of my psycho mom that lead her to do this. Things have been really rough. Took me years to work on myself and I feel like now I’m in a much better place. 

But it’s still there, it’s like a dark cloud over my head all the time. One tiny unexpected little thing and it could trigger it. Recently something triggered me, and I have this constant feeling of guilt. I was 15 when my dad passed away, and I feel like I wasn’t a good daughter, I could’ve been there more. My sister, i feel like I failed her. I failed at me being a good sister. I feel like I could’ve stood by her, maybe she was counting on me, while I was suffering from traumas myself. I could’ve been more stronger than I was. I feel like everything is my fault. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. It’s like grief and guilt is slowly eating me alive. I try to force myself to be positive. 

Everyone keeps saying that it’s not my fault, it’s my moms fault. My therapist says it all the time but since I got triggered, a part of me wants to believe it and a part of me doesn’t. My mind automatically just comes up with a twisted logic that it’s my fault. It have started to be my default setting. I hate how my mind is going towards it every time. It’s been happening since I got triggered. How to deal with it? How? 

I was forcing myself to be positive, going out with friends, pretending to have a good time, then I’ll come home and cry and scream. I decided that I should create content which I used to, but even going on social media triggered me and I wanted to throw my phone in the trash. I’m not getting hungry, I can’t go out cuz I see happy people everywhere with their loved ones. I can’t run away from the feeling, I have to feel it in order to release it but I’m lost. I’ve worked so hard on myself that I don’t want to go downhill.

I also somewhat hate my job too. And I wanted to take a day or 2 off cuz of my mental health but my boss never approved or even denied my PTO request. I want to focus on getting a new job, trying to work on resume but I can’t. I just can’t. My mind is only going towards guilt.