About 8 months ago my depression got pretty bad and I decided I wanted to kill myself, but before I did that I thought I'd ask my only long-term friend for sex since I'd be dead soon. She said no and I just said okay but I couldn't bring myself to end it that night. Then about 3 months after that I felt suicidal again and since I thought I was gonna die I'd have nothing to lose. So I asked again, basically begged and she said no with a thumbs-up emoji, and then she didn't block me but she hasn't responded to me in 5 months, and she still follows me on her private Instagram account but removed my follow so I can't see whats on it for some reason.

We had been pretty good friends since we were like 10 so it's only a matter of time before one of her parents asks why we don't speak anymore, and I know she'll answer truthfully and say what I did, she's always been the type of person to tell her mum the truth about stuff like this. The thing is my mum is still good friends with her parents (Saw them last week actually) and my brother is basically best friends with her brother since they play video games daily together so our families are very connected. And I know what her dad is like, he would definitely tell my mum what I said, he's a very brash person who doesn't mind exposing people.

I was going to apologize to her and ask her not to tell anyone the day after I did it, but I started by just saying "hey" which she never responded to so I didn't get the chance to say the apology then. And even then it's not like I meant it, I'm not actually sorry I just care about self-preservation. I'm a kinda weird asshole, (hell the thing I did to her is just the tip of the iceberg of my wrongdoings, it's just the one that puts me at jeopardy the most) I just don't want certain people in my life to know that I am. I don't think apologizing now would even help anything, if she even reads it at all. 

I literally cannot take embarrassment, it's like my kryptonite, especially about sexual stuff. I hate my mum knowing anything about me beyond what I let her know and this would probably completely change the image I give her. I've never been scared of death and although I'd prefer to be alive I wouldn't mind killing myself to avoid this inevitable situation. It would suck since my life's finally starting to improve since I got a potential new job and stuff, and I would say I'm not suicidal and I want to live, but I wouldn't mind just being dead to avoid this so yeah

I wouldn't just be embarrassed, I'd be embarrassed and exposed to my mum. She currently thinks of me as pretty innocent and a good person who hasn't done anything wrong in years. Which couldn't be further from the truth. Once the facade is gone I have to live with her, look her in the eye, eat meals cooked by her. I wouldn't care at all If I could just move out. But I can't.

And I've never feared death, I never looked at it particularly fondly nor particularly poorly. the eternal void of nothingness doesn't have any problems, any challenges, which doesn't sound too bad. I'd much prefer to be alive, but only in the very specific way I envision.

 Just thought I'd vent on Reddit since I can't really say this to anyone else.