1.) I've fault depressed my whole life, since I was 12

2.) I can't escape my failures, I'm reminded of them daily

3.) I got rejected from mental health professionals, in the past I was to much for them to help anyways. 

4.) The dark voice in my head gets really loud. 

5.) I deserve to, I was a coward who ran from the national guard. Made an excuse of my bad eyesight. 

6.) I fear that I'll never be competent at a more complex job/task... fear I'm unable to do more then a starting job

7.) I can't find a purpose, something pursue in life or a mission to accomplish. Why am I alive?

8.) Having a guy hold a knife to you neck and telling you to stop trying to hang out and to fuck off gets to you, especially when it happens at a youth group retreat. (Hard time believing people truly want me)

9.) When I was a kid another kid hurt me (s*xual a), I don't know how to form relationships because of that.

10.) I've wasted my life thinking about this sh*t.

But on the other hand,

I can't leave my mom, I love my dog (she's calms my mind) I had hope for a better future could still happen, I'm about to graduate college (but then what?), I don't want to ruin holiday and it's still to close to Christmas.