I feel okay sometimes, like a normal person. Like really I feel okay and normal and functional. And then suddenly I can't tell what's real, what I imagined/thought of in my head and its terrifying me. I'm losing my grips, and everytime i try to reach out it doesn't go as planned. I'm physically and obviously not doing okay, but when I have asked family members that I trust to help - I'm rejected or shut down, called bizarre for my behaviours when I'm stressed (I pace/fake scratch my arms - not as SH, like it just helps me stay grounded having friction, it doesnt damage me or hurt me). I get shouted at for it, and no one offers me help.

I physically cannot open up to my friends however they have witnessed these moments and told me they were worried or numerous occasions but I just can't speak. It's like a physical and emotional block. The moment I try, I shut down. I don't want them to know anyways though, but even when I have tried it doesn't come out.

I am with mental health services and I have been for a year and 6 months and I've been in and out of mh services since 11 years old. I'm not a danger to myself but I know this isn't a good quality of life and if I don't act and get help soon then this could develop into something debilitating since its already affecting a chunk of my life as it is, and the environment around me isn't helping much at all. But I haven't managed to even mention a single small issue to my worker because I just have fear he'll think I'm crazy and I don't want things to advance in a way that means I will have to disrupt my life.

I've been unwillingly seeing the worker for almost 2 years and even begged my school (when I was in it, I'm now working and at college) not to refer me. But I've withheld so much to the point they want to discharge me ASAP and if I lose this support, I may have to go back on a waiting list and they are extremely long right now and I can't lose this opportunity for help, I know I need to talk but I don't know how. How do I do this? Please help, I really want to get help, I rally don't want to keep feeling so lost and unaware but I don't know how to tell him all of these things?