I write my feelings out a lot, I used to have people to send it to. I don’t even have that anymore. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. My childhood was very chaotic, but since my family had money none of my traumas ever seemed valid to anyone I told them to. 

It’s been probably 10 years now since I had a social life with actual friends. While I still struggled back then.. I still had good times, and things to look forward to. That was a slow fizzle til nothing was left really, and I don’t know how to change that, because I’m miserable; and I refuse to bring others down. I used to have a job that was my escape. I worked with people I enjoyed, and I thought of some of them as family. 7 years. Lost that about a year ago and things have been progressively worse since then. I realized I never mattered to any of them, that’s fine. But now I have a job that pays good, that’s it. The environment is genuinely hostile and my boss is the absolute worst human I have ever met in my life. Even without her the place is absolutely hostile and just overall terrible. So now I don’t even have an escape. It used to be come Monday; I could drown out. My weekend loneliness blues with coworkers. Now, instead… my weekend blues are amplified and I’m tortured in this mental state all day everyday. I have no escape anymore. 

I don’t know why I’m here. I’m so tired of crying to myself every night. I’m so tired of being alone. I’m so tired of reliving decades of trauma over and over again. 

It’s so bad that I cannot even get myself interested in a tv show, which is zero effort. Can barely eat yet gaining weight. Just stare at my phone all day, and cry. Today I cry for a future I will never have. For an inner child that’s deeply wounded .