This is always my feeling because I was adapted by my grandparents at 6 weeks old. Never understanding why my mother didn't want me, as she would come round to eat my grandparents food or borrow money or because of some shitty situation. She was taking all sorts of drugs and drinking while pregnant with me too.


So despite being able to tell myself that how I feel is silly and irrational, I also tell myself I'm kidding myself at ever thinking I could actually be a rational, sensible human being, and it's more of a habit.


Low self esteem and extremely high self criticism are probably my strongest traits. I struggle to understand other people who don't 'get' how I feel and think and that my intentions are never bad and I'm always fighting it. If I do something then it's all or nothing, the high end of an extreme or the low end, no in between, and I'm likely to fail the bar I set for myself and give up caring at all because it'll stem back to feeling worthless. Yet too afraid to end my life and be out of peoples misery. Not something I feel all the time, but these feelings can be triggered very easily, just with one word or a look. It's ridiculous. There's no active thought to it at all, then trying to settle down again without being destructive almost makes it worse.


I am a living hypocrite and contradict myself all the time because of this. Not many, if any, can understand me and there's some who think they do, and put it down to excuses and wanting attention, and I believe them, then proceed to try and not be those things, and it ends up going in a circle where I give up because I want to be myself and not someone else, but a week later it can just repeat again. Siiiigh.


Even managing in life, if I envision something and how I'll feel about doing it in my current state, I just go Nope and want to hide instead.