My borderline is like a forest fire. the emotions are intense, the reactions are far more intense. it’s like pouring gasoline on a bush fire &amp; burning down everything in its path. I try to control it but it often gets the best of me. Wether the sadness becomes so unbearable or the loneliness makes me feel like i don’t stand a chance, it’s all a very lonely insufferable existence. The lack of trust i have for others, causing me to act out, afraid to communicate or ask for reassurance because i always feel like i’m being crazy or i don’t deserve it. 

It makes relationships weird. One second it’s like im with my soulmate, the person i’ve been waiting for, the one who’s going to understand me, be patient, be kind, treat me the way ive always wanted &amp; then the paranoia kicks in, what if they don’t want me, what if the feelings are one sided, what if they’re seeing other people, what if they hurt me, what if i fall drastically in love with them and they leave?? So i do what i do best and i push them away. In every way i can. I push them away. Wether it’s by saying i don’t want them, saying i don’t want to be with them, or more recently, cheating. I do whatever i can to avoid being hurt, yet still hurt myself in the process. It’s exhausting. 

Im tired of ruining things. I push and push and push people away, but the second i recognize theyre leaving i beg them not to. I’ll do anything to keep them around. I’ll do anything to make sure they don’t abandon me. It just feels like i’m stuck in a loop. 

My girlfriend, whom i love more than anything broke up with me a few days ago for no reason other than my own selfish actions and it feels like my world is crashing down on me. I messed up. I self sabotaged yet again. I was unfaithful. So why can’t i forgive myself? Why can’t i just not push people away? Why can’t i just take a leap and trust someone for once? Im so tired of living like this and ruining things that make me happy, watching people leave me because of my own actions &amp; it just reenforcing the trauma i have even though it’s all my fault. I feel like i’ll never love anyone like this again. Like she’ll never forgive me &amp; that’s fine, i don’t think i deserve forgiveness. I feel like i deserve to be punished, like i’m not a good person. Like everything about me is just bad because i made this mistake. Not even a mistake but the worst choice of my life. But the trust issues are always there and i cant make them go away. Im just going to continue to self sabotage and ruin everything and im so tired of it. i just want to be loved, i want to feel safe, i want to make my partner feel safe &amp; cared for &amp; loved and im always messing everything up. Im so upset with myself. I just wish i was normal.