We've been mostly inseparable for almost two years and I've never pulled anything like this. This past week we've discussed me going into a psych ward because I'm genuinely at my lowest right now. Last night she cancelled on one of our plans at the time of the plan which wasn't what got me, her cancelling, but she didn't apologise in the message which shouldn't have been a huge deal because we're chill with how we talk to each other and we cancel a lot of plans. But when I brought up the lack of apology in the message, she said she didn't think she needed to apologise and she did nothing wrong because she offered to call me instead. This morning the argument continued and I called her proud and said she didn't understand social expectations and said this situation was reminding me of events with my abusive ex, which was horrible to say because she's an angel and she's so supportive and he was awful. She later messaged me and said the way I spoke to her today has made her realise that she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. I think it's our first proper argument and I tried to talk her down and let her know that I'm probably reacting to past trauma and got defensive when she said that I was reacting to past trauma because I've been gaslit for years. She said she needs time away from me because I hurt her but I think she'll cut thing off. All my abandonment issues are firing off and I want go beg her to forgive me but she said she needed space so I'm not messaging her. Instead I feel like I'm going mad having conversations in my head because she's my only friend and I don't have anyone to speak to this about. 

Silver lining, I've been single for 7 months now and I felt that my BPD episodes have improved but worried it was just that I didn't have anyone to freak out over when they needed space. But, this is... I guess proof that I'm getting better because at this point in the past I'd likely be on my exs doorstep and he'd have 71 missed calls. So in my "working on myself" period, I've learned to ground myself during episodes better.