Hi everyone, I caught COVID in early February and my FP(best friend &amp; roommate who i used to talk to everyday) offered me no support for the two weeks that I was so ill that I couldn’t get out of bed. Although I realize now that maybe she was too busy in her own life to offer me care during that time, and she probably didn’t ignore me maliciously. For months i kept holding on to the idea that she doesn’t care about me and left me for dead. This triggered the worst BPD episode that I’ve ever had. Ive been on and off splitting with her and dissociating since February. Everyday, once i get home from work, I sit in my room numb, everything gets blurry and feel as though im not even in my body. I think “I’m so hungry I want to eat,” but my body wont move towards the kitchen to fix myself a meal. I contemplate suicide everyday but my dissociation is so bad I literally cant even move myself to do it. Eventually i close my eyes fall asleep, wake up, go to work, come home and the whole thing repeats. We live together but I haven’t gone out my way to speak to her since I first caught COVID when it felt like “she left me for dead.” Whenever I see her all that goes through my head is “she hates me,” “she doesn’t care about me,” “she’s telling everyone how crazy and evil I am for not talking to her.” I talked to a mutual friend and it turns out its true, she has been talking about me and its been about finding a way to get me out of her life since I’ve not been talking to her like we used to. I feel like I have ruined my own life and I am trapped. Some days I just want to leave and never come back and some days I sit up late thinking “why wont she talk to me” “she doesn’t care about me” what is wrong with me” “why wont she talk to me” I have no other friends as i’ve cut them out of my life during this month-long episode and I cant see my therapist for a few more weeks. I cant keep living like this for weeks. Can anyone share their opinion, advice, or help me to fix myself? Do I tell her I have BPD? Would she just think im crazy or trying to manipulate her into staying?