For the past year I've become very self aware of how messed up my head is . 

Like I do stuff and I realize this is stuff depressed people do but I just let myself be, I don't feel like making the effort to change it. 

Then I start thinking that maybe I'm just faking it because I can't just get up and do what I need to get done but I just lie there, frozen . 

And I know I'm frozen and I technically can move, but I don't . 

I stay there, numb, because in some twisted way it is comforting?! 

Sometimes I don't beat myself down, since the stuff I do are symptoms of my depression, but then I feel like I can't be depressed if I know exactly what I'm doing and I am not taking steps to change anything. 




I have what I've always considered to have social anxiety, (unfortunately not self aware about this one) . 

I randomly feel bold and say stuff, and very intensely regret every single word I have said . 

After that I overthink about every single time I've ever typed anything. 

Few weeks pass by and there comes a burst of something that makes me go bold again . 

This repeats. 



I haven't touched a textbook in days . 

I have my finals in 1.5 months . 

I know only maybe 15% of my entire syllabus and that scares me . 

I've always been the kid with good grades. 

Im great at math, I love math yet I had my first panic attack over not being able to remember a chapter I had studied. 

I know I should start studying, and that I'll fail if I continue like this but I can't seem to get to it. 


I was clinically diagnosed with performance anxiety and depression. 
I'm not on any meds or therapy . 

I know I should be on both but it's just not possible rn . 

I feel like objectively I know what I'm doing but I just can't do anything about it 

I feel hopeless, like a lost cause or something