Hey everyone, this is my first post to this community. I have been diagnosed with BPD back in 2014, one year before I met my now fiancé. Our relationship is healthy, we love each other to pieces and we grew so much together. I get really emotional when talking about him, he’s my life.
In the last two years my BPD has gotten a lot worse. I quit my primary therapy and medication because it destroyed me. It really changed me and I didn’t like it, no one liked it. I can think much clearer since I quit. 
During the last 12 months I saw a new pattern within me emerging. I’m constantly manipulating my fiancé into feeling bad for stuff he never did. I pick "fights" (we never fight) just to push his buttons even though he did nothing wrong. I would come up with stuff like "I know you’re cheating. Why don’t you just love me like I love you? Who is your sidechick, am I not good enough? You don’t love me" up until the point where he starts crying. Suddenly I see clearly and I see his wet eyes. He looks so sad and crushed then. At that moment I start hating myself so much. I see his innocent face and suddenly I hear what I’ve been saying to him for the last couple of minutes. I can’t control this behavior, though I’m really trying. He’s so innocent and I’m grateful to have him. I don’t know why I keep doing this to innocent people. I feel so alone and evil. There’s so many things I do to people, like manipulating them. But manipulating someone doesn’t make me feel this much hatred for myself. It’s the feelings I’m hurting of people that are so incredibly close to me. This illness is a life sentence.