I’m 15 years old and about 2 years ago I was suffering with depression and attempted suicide a few times but ‘bottled’ it in the end. I wish I didn’t.

I’ve never told anyone about any of this, and I like to think that I got over my mental health without any help. I was gonna tell someone but a few things held me back:

My (at that time) friend was going through a similiar time. He kept on saying how he was gonna jump onto the train track unless I bought him ice cream etc. I now see that he probably used me completely. He told me about his mental health before I told anyone about mine and so I felt awkward to just say, ‘oh yeah me too.’
I even talked him out of ‘suicide’ a couple times, I remember crying at night and making a whole schedule of things to do to help him.

My mums a counsellor and so I felt tht she had way to much people already opening up to her about suicide etc, and so I didn’t want to add to her plate.
I felt that she didn’t really ever properly let us open up, every time I tried to bring up a serious topic, she would just laugh. I would never tell my dad about my mental health either- 100% no.

My parents are also dead religous, at one point telling me that those who commit suicide would go to hell.

I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t ever gonna kill myself because I was a pussy, and deserved to live a horrible life, rather than just die. I also loved my dog and cat, they were the only people I ever opened up to ig.

I tried to tell myself that people who miss me, honestly I don’t think they would. Every time I went away for a while from home, it always seemed more peaceful and functional then when I was around.


Now, years later, I feel more angry than depressed. Angry that I didn’t kill myself, but also a hatred at pretty much everyone; my re teacher, my entire family, and mainly, myself.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, I’m sitting on a table in the dark right now cuz I feel like I can’t share a room with anyone, because of the hatred, I might just blow up ig.


I just can’t be arsed with feeling like this, but I know I won’t kill myself or anything so it would be a waste of time to any counsellor and therapist I could see, all it would do is make things awkward.
I feel like I’m just writing this because I need to get it out, hopefully it helps. I’m not expecting any help or reply tht could do anything to me but I just want to get it out,

Thanks