I am now 22, when I was younger and felt this way I assumed it would get better with time. Before I was depressed (as a child) I always pictured myself doing great things at this age and living a happy and fulfilling life. Now, I can confidently say that life has only ever gotten worse for me and I have yet to do anything spectacular with my life. I graduated highschool and started working in construction full time, I've been with the same company for over 4 years now. Sure I've gotten raises and promotions but, realistically I have (and continue to) waste my true potential in a shitty industry which has physically and mentally exhausted me to the point where I don't even feel human anymore.  I have no motivation or drive to better myself even though deep down I long for a better life. Every year goes by faster and faster and I feel like I'm too far behind to fully catch up. 

I've never had a real relationship, not only intimately but emotionally as well. I never really connected with anyone and always felt like an outcast, especially now. My childhood friends have all grown up and have girlfriends and exciting jobs and lives, I very rarely see them anymore and when I do It feels extremely awkward, as if we're strangers now. 

I'm constantly cursed by a strong feeling of nostalgia when I look back to my younger life, when I felt that life was enjoyable and like I actually fit in. Now I understand that I have always had nothing and nobody but I just never knew it. 

I'm absolutely terrified of my future. I hope to God or to whatever good there is left in this world that I don't always feel this way, but if that's the case than please God, kill me now. Honestly.