
Last April my ex/rekindled boyfriend and I got in a fight. Since then things have gone down hill… I told my family and friends about the fights…. And I didn’t care/realize it was hurting him… he started to lash out… say he hates me…. I’m abusive, he’s afraid I’ll ruin his life, if his boss visited he’d hire a new girlfriend and home because ours is embarrassing and he can’t trust me…. It got worse when my guy friends started getting sexual and I was too afraid to stand up for myself…. He would call me a slut and get angry with me…. I lost my voice a long time ago… I got beaten and raped and nearly killed for using it… plus what’s the use? My dad told me I’m just a vagina anyways…. My partner kept railing into me telling me I’m a monster I’m horrible I suck I’m abusive…. And I started to create a fantasy with someone else… I’d desperately try to cling to him I just wanted this person to tell me I mattered still as my “soulmate” started to mirror the actions of my ex before him…. We break up after he tries to choke me too….. I go back to the fantasy guy…. The next day we rekindle our relationship… fantasy guy and I only ever sent nudes that day… and my partner found out… started calling me a cheater a slut a monster abusive telling me I’m horrible… well yesterday he said these things to me for 13 hours…. Until I broke…. I got my first razor blade…. And carved the word slut into my hip…. After cutting my wrist multiple times…. And after he told me I nearly drove him to suicide I got to the point I was ready to just do it…. But I was too afraid… when he found out he got nice again…. I can’t keep doing this….