This is a tough one.

Throughout my 20 years on this Earth, I have only connected with one girl. She saw me as a friend... used me... and forgot about me. It was never sexual, never intimate because it was purely platonic; despite my deep love for her. She still haunts me to this day.

When COVID hit, I was in my final year of secondary school, and so left in March of 2020 and since then have started university. However, during my year out, I developed many bad habits. Spiraled into an eating disorder, depression, and chronic loneliness. I still feel the echoes of this today. It was all because I couldn't get over her, even though she had long gotten over me. It ended on bad terms but we were best friends... she was my only friend; and then she was gone from my life, just as quickly as she came into it.

I think of her every day. In some way I still miss her. Do I miss her? Or the idea of her? Maybe I just need a friend.

I quite frankly fucked my relationships up during COVID, cut people out of my life, and got angry at being blamed for things I'd never done. Life just became so confusing. The anorexia then set in full force and I - a 19-year-old at the time - fell from around 145lbs to about 115lbs. I hated life and wanted to die quite frankly.

Since then I regained the weight, I look great, I'm in the gym, I'm studying hard, getting good grades (or trying to)... but she won't leave my mind. Not ever. I feel sure I am to die alone, for no girl shows interest. I'm tired of being used just to be tossed aside in the end.

I crave company but hate most people. I crave love and compassion. I just feel like since COVID my life jumped to some strange, alternate timeline that's totally fucked! 

I just miss the old me.

Sorry rant over. No real point to this. Just another cog in the machine breaking down.

Peace be with any who read this.