i keep trying to destroy my relationship. i keep acting out and hurting my bf because i am convinced that his love is false. i’m paranoid and i keep pushing him away when things are fine. i feel like this is never going to stop, as i have destroyed most of my relationships in the past. i feel suicidal, but i’m too scared to kill myself. i love him so much, but i feel like he’s my only reason to live. he saved me. i have no idea what to do with my life and the more i neet around, the more likely he’s gonna end up cheating on me or abandoning me. i feel so lost. he’s not responding to me so readily these days because i lashed out, even though i apologized. words won’t work anymore because this is an ongoing pattern. i have no idea what i bring to the table. i feel useless and disgusting and horrible. i have no opinions and i am pretentious and tired of myself. i don’t know how to do things because i’ve been in hospitals for over half of my life. i feel so trapped in myself and with my toxic traits. i feel like i need constant assurance or i’m going to lose it. i just want the fear to go away. i don’t know what to do.