It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was 14 and in school that day, when my mom came into the class and took me into the car. Once in she turned to me and said, “remember how when mommies and daddies promise to love each other until death?”, I nodded grimly, she continued “well that’s not going to happen because your dad had an affair”

And I just lost it. I went ballistic. It felt like a bomb went off inside me. My entire world crumbled around me. Everything I knew to be true about life in an instant evaporated right in front of me. I was disoriented beyond belief. 

I only then remember wailing beside my brother. I regret crying now, looking back at it. I should’ve been stronger for him. In general, I failed to protect my only little brother from the pain of a dysfunctional family. 

It was like an emotional ripple of pain washed over every single one of my family members faces. It wasn’t talked about with any semblance of emotion. No real consoling happened. No hugging, no crying together. It just became silent. I got used to being mute. 

I slowly turned into nothingness. A fractured person stuck in the past, reliving over and over the pain of a sudden crisis. 

For years I have purposely created a chaotic life so that I can be distracted, at least for a moment, from the unbearable mental anguish that is within. 

I’ve wanted to die for a very long time now. Thought I found my chosen family but it’s happened all over again. I have no one. I am no one.