I am a 23 year old man who lives with autism and OCD tendencies. 
During my mid-teens, I did something wholly unforgivable and just want to disappear from existence and be forgotten forever. Hate away, it is nothing compared to the hate I carry for myself. 

At 16, I stumbled upon advertisements to Child P*** videos on instagram. I reported all of these accounts to NCMEC, but disgustingly masturbated 1-2 times to those sick teaser clips.  If that doesn't make me worthy of torture and death, I accessed CP forums over a couple months on the dark-web at 17, browsed the discussion threads and looked at the thumbnail previews, but stopped short from clicking the links to view the videos/photos themselves. 
These were not 17 year olds either, and that gives me all the more reason to off myself. 

Those were fucking children! In some way shape or form I've harmed those children just by entering such sites, well past the line of deserving to be considered human. It has been 6 years since then and I can't get some of these images out of my head. I've gone to therapy and I've told my family, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself for doing this. I don't know what to do anymore.... I can't reverse or undo this.... I deserve this because the victims have it much worse than this.