I usually just "walk" off being depressed and lonely. I'm currently in another country serving. Things have been hard for the past maybe two/three years. I don't have a very "solid" family yes they're not entirely scummy, evil, etc. But sometimes I tend to drink a lot while I'm out here, mainly because (I used to smoke to cope and well I can't) and sometimes it feels good to occasionally not be overthinking etc. Anyways whenever I call them they get worried for me instead of just be there and tend to go back to my mom saying oh she's drinking again as if people my age aren't going to bars and getting shitfaced.

Anyways that leads to my post. I try to make friends, I really do. In fact, I am always inviting people over, trying to create experiences etc. It's gonna sound fucked up because I have EXTREMELY low self-esteem but some people I'm "semi" close with say maybe it's because I am intimidating. I just don't know about that because the second anyone allows me to open up I literally divulge any and everything which is terrible and super embarrassing. It's like oh I haven't talked to a person other than casual work convos and I guess it feels good to talk? This year though I have learned to cut anything off that makes me feel more alone, a lot of people will intentionally make plans with me and cancel and it hurts because they'll go out and I just end up home because I don't have many friends, so I started just saying fuck it, I will be alone. It's been a very intimate journey, I hate it but I also am forcing myself to like it. (Sorry for the rant) I am getting a dog soon, I've been obsessing over a dog lately I think because it's going to feel amazing having something that wants to be around me as much as I want to be around them (corny I know) 

I just hate the feeling of having no other option. I put myself out there and get pushed away. I have two "friends" and they live thousands of miles away with their own lives. I know other people have worse problems but sometimes I don't know? I don't know what depression is supposed to feel like, I tend to talk to myself that's how alone I feel. I tend to call people crying when I do drink because it's the only time I let things out. I don't know maybe the dog is like my final solution. I do all my work and activities because I mean I'm in the military there's not really an option to say fuck it or you get sent to like court. So yep. That's where I am at.