Please bear with me as this is going to be a long ass post:

CW: eating disorder (anorexia), addiction (no specifics).

Two weeks ago I got out of rehab for the treatment of my addiction. While, I was receiving ED support for anorexia (which I've struggled with since the age of 6), but since I've returned home my ED's spiralled even further. The thing is, I was actually supposed to go to ED treatment instead of rehab but things got complicated when treatment refused me due to the severity of my addiction issues, and then rehab originally refused then eventually agreed to take me under strict conditions because they deemed my ED too acute for their facility. In the end, I attended/completed rehab with ED support and once I got out I actually had some high hopes for my recovery. However, things aren't going as planned and although I really did intend on following my meal plan, things are really spiralling and I'm feeling super alone and vulnerable. Rationally, I know my weight is pretty low and everyone keeps commenting nervously about how thin I am, but body dysmorphia's being a major bitch and won't let me see the severity of the situation. 

I guess my biggest struggle right now is staying sober/clean while trying to manage an acute ED, and I guess this is where I'm looking for support. I've spent the last 3 months in the psych ward rehab, so being back out in the world has been quite the shock. Before I left rehab, it was agreed with my care team there that to maintain my sobriety, I'll have to maintain my weight because any gains would send me straight back into my addiction. This sounded like a good idea at the time, but now I'm realizing what a slippery slope this actually is. I've already had a few slips addiction-wise since I got home and I can feel my self-damaging BPD behaviours creeping in, too. While in rehab, I was diagnosed with BPD which was a huge relief because I've always felt my ED and addiction were symptoms of something, and now it is obvious that something is (quiet) BPD. I want to sabotage the few relationships I have left, I want to use, self-harm, do impulsive things, etc... On top of that, this weekend was Canadian thanksgiving and as I'm sure you know how hellish holidays can be for those of us with EDs. In saying this, my ED's kicked into an even higher gear due to the time of year and I'm starting to lose sight of my recovery altogether. 

All in all, I guess I came here looking for some support for dealing with these concurrent disorders.  I'm being pressured to go to ED treatment if I can maintain my sobriety for 3-4 months, and I know treatment is the only hope I have for ED recovery but honestly after the hell they put me through these past few months, I don't really want to commit to their program. I'm also starting to feel like I'll never be able to recover from anorexia because my moods/behaviours are When I went to rehab, I expected to come out with zero addiction (substance and behavioural) symptoms, but now that I'm out I couldn't have been more wrong. Is anyone facing similar struggles? And if so, how are you managing/coping?