I've been a long time reader of this subreddit and I need to know if anyone relates to my pain. 

I met the love of my life in HS, she was tall (I'm 6'7 so it's perfect), beautiful, smart, lovely, and funny. The problem is I fucked up this relationship by never taking the initiative to date her as she was into me. It was so obvious as I look back on it but as a HS kid w Aspergers I didn't know. I was so dumb, she gave me every signal she was into me and I fucking threw her feelings away because I have a disorder that hurts my ability to make and maintain relationships. Eventually we did have sex which at least helped w some of the feelings I have for her but we never dated and spent genuine time together even though I deeply loved her and still do. I don't know why, words can't explain, she's just perfect to me in every way and not being around her kills me. 

Fast forward to college and I have to take medical leave due to clinical depression and I'm not able to get back into school because they don't want a risk factor like me around. I tell the school I'm depressed and they more or less kick me out. I miss out on the last two years of college before COVID hit. 

So that brings us to the present, where I am alone, dragging myself through school while all my friends graduated, heartbroken, and trying to find some way to make this all better. 

I strongly believe that people develop depression due to having a depressing life, and right now my life is deeply saddening.