CW: SA

Hi! I (24f) moved across the country with my mom and sister to get away from our dad. My dad would abuse my mom. We packed what we could, said bye to who we could, and then we moved across the country. The move was unexpected and it was sudden. Its been 3 months and the family we have here have been so extremely supportive. I know how lucky we are to have the support we have and I'm so happy my mom is away from my dad. However, I fucking hate it here. I believe a big part of it is because we moved to the state where I had been sexually assaulted when I was 19. When it happened I told my aunt and cousins who in turn called me a liar, minimized what happened, and would humiliate me in front of others with it. I struggle a lot with vocalizing certain things because of what they did. I constantly feel like I am being overdramatic or sensitive with things so I don't vocalize the things that bother me because I don't feel like I deserve the space to and I'm terrified of being humiliated again. I think this also just amplified certain BPD traits. I spent a lot of years just trying to forgive, rationalize, and forget about what my cousins and aunt did. But I couldn't. What my cousins and aunt said /did traumatized me much more than the assault itself. I was happy that I lived on the other side of the country from them so I never had to see or interact with them again but even their presence on my social media made me feel so horrible. I would see them and just remember about how much I hate myself. I had finally made the choice to delete them from everything and this was a big deal to me because i'm latina so family bonds are basically sacred. This honestly brought me so much peace and it felt like a step forward. I did this like probably 6 months ago? and now I'm basically their neighbor. I did have a talk with one cousin (we'll call her Beatrice) and she apologized. Beatrice went through her own experience and idk I thought things would be different and we would be able to be actual friends now which was nice because I haven't had a girl friend my age in so long. However, Beatrice has made comments that has made me feel like...i don't know. Beatrice has called me out on my emotional outbursts and that I should fix it because it negatively affects my mom. Beatrice has told me that I am really sensitive but I am insensitive with others. Beatrice has told me that she's able to joke about the trauma we recently faced with my sister but not with me. Beatrice has asked my sister if I am bipolar and how she deals with my mood swings. Beatrice has asked me to relive the traumatic day of when we left out of her own curiosity. Beatrice loves to give me unsolicited advice but does little to nothing to think about why I function the way I do which I guess she doesn't have to but probably should if she's going to give advice. My younger sister has also joined Beatrice when she's dogpiling me and will agree with her. My sister is constantly telling people that I'm sensitive, how she deals w/ things because she's stronger, that i'm hard to live with because i'm messy, and she'll say that she's the older sister. (my sister is amazing and I will not talk about her negatively on a post but I know the stuff she has said makes me feel shit) I know i'm a crappy person and even crappier sister and daughter and my coping mechanisms are shit. But this is how I survive. Whenever I do something that negatively impacts my mom or sister, I always apologize to them and I try my hardest to calm myself down. My behaviors have improved but obviously something I still deal with. My mom and I have talked about how we have to work on our toxic behaviors since we're now free from my dad. But it's hard and it takes time, you know? I feel kind of stupid worrying about how Beatrice sees me when I have so much other stuff to worry about but it makes me feel so shitty. I feel like such a fucking loser that I can't regulate my emotions to even get along with my cousin. I feel like a bigger loser when I see my younger sister doing so much better than me. I don't know. I'm just so fucking tired of being sensitive and being like this??? I just feel like someone has a magnifying glass on me and I can't fuck up even if I'm struggling to just get by. I guess my question is am I being overdramatic? Are the things she has said not a big deal? How would you go about being in a situation like this?