I guess, I just want to be heard. Desperately.

First, let me give you some important background. I am a 29-year-old woman from a country you almost certainly have never heard of. I will say though, family and respect for elders is be-all and end-all of our culture. 

I was born to a couple of silly teenagers who thought that having a kid when you barely turned 20 is a good idea. A couple of years later, they give birth to another child, my brother (m25). Their marriage did not work, and they made it very clear to me, because they would fight every night, screaming at each other on the top of their lungs. So seven years later they got divorced. My brother and I stayed with our mother, because laws. My mother was abusive. She would shout at me, beat me, and I guess that is part of the reason why I am such a mess. So, at the age of seven or eight I ran away from her to my grandparents (my father's parents), because they were always so loving and kind to me. My brother followed me a couple of years later. My grandparents took us with open hands which I will always be grateful for. Meanwhile, my father married another woman. He would not visit us for months, I guess he was too busy with his new family. Years passed, I grew up, graduated from high school, went to college, got a degree, etc. In my culture you do not move out of parents' home until you get married, ESPECIALLY if you are a girl. I never wanted to be married, as watching the dupster fire of a marriage of my parents made me want to be forever alone, but I wanted to move out. I could afford it, but grandparents did not let me do it, because in my grandma's eyes, as soon as a girl moves out, she starts drinking and sleeping around. Some more time passed, I found myself a partner and eventually I moved out. However, my grandparents got really old, grandma's heart was in bad shape. If she did not undergo a surgery, she would be gone. So she did, but there were multiple complications due to her age and diabetis. We nearly lost her, but she survived. In my country healthcare system is shit, so YOU do ALL the caring that does not require a medical degree IN THE HOSPITAL. So I did, alongside my aunt. To say it was tough means to say absolutely nothing, it was the hardest 10 days of my life. As soon as grandma was stable enough to go home, my aunt disappeared. (To be fair, she paid the most chunk of the hospital bill, but then again, she got the biggest inheritance from our grandfather) We hired a caretaker for two months but then everybody decided that we could not afford it. And all of the responsibilities came down on my shoulders. I spent the whole July away from my home, my boyfriend to take care of my grandparents. My grandmother now is much better, she can walk and do small things by herself but still demands I come every other day to cook, do the launtry, etc. Aunt is too tired to take care of her mother, or her daughter is sick, or her grandson is sick, or she is too stressed and she has to work and yada yada yada. My father is still busy with his own family, but he visits, sometimes, but, of course, he does not do any chores for them, just comes to say hi, I guess. The same applies to my aunt, step-mom and everybody else apart from me and my brother. And the most terrible thing is that EVERYBODY thinks that it's fine, I am younger, I am the one who is supposed to be doing all this, while aunt is a poor, tired golden child who is not supposed to do shit. I am the wrong one when I try to protest and then everybody blames me for stressing my grandma out with my protests.

So now I guess, I am depressed. I find it hard to do anything. All I want to do all day is to stare at my phone screen, because when my mind is idling, all it can do is think about all the unfairness going on around me. These thoughts are destroying me from the inside. I feel physically tired after washing the dishes or taking a shower without listening to music or watching some stupid videos on Youtube, because all I can think of is how I am being screwed every day by people WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT ME. I can hardly do basic chores at home and work. I started suffering from insomnia, and I cannot fall asleep without my phone and earphones. I also let my partner down, because he sees that I am not okay, he points out to me that I spend too much time on my phone, sometimes I see disappointment in his eyes, but I guess it is just me being disappointed in myself, but I am too tired to care. I do not care how I look, what I eat, what I smell like (sorry). I drink a little every day, but I do not get drunk. and I am just exhausted.

I know I am probably depressed and need therapy, but I cannot afford it, so I came here, because today it felt particularly unbearable.

Thank you for reading this mess, sorry if my writing is hard to follow, I am not a native speaker, but I am an English teacher, so I hope it was not too bad.