I’m always feeling like a burden lately. To my family, friends and myself. I feel like they don’t deserve what I put them through yet at the same time I can’t control or stop my actions. It’s a vicious circle.

I feel unloveable, I feel like it’s better for me to be alone. I’m reminded a lot about how I make others feel with the way I am, especially in my household. My 2 past relationships all sort of cheated on me out of resentment because of the way that I am. I want to say I am the victim and in most cases I would be, but I’m intolerable even to myself.

I can’t seem to catch up with my thoughts or get a hold on myself even after dbt. I don’t want to be alone but I feel as thought it’s better that way. I am tired of seeing the hurt and angry faces of those i love. I’m tired of watching the people who once said they’d be there for me end up becoming cynical because it’s like the same thing to them over and over again. The thing is, people will say they “understand” or will be there until they realize how hard it is. Until they realize that most days I’m more sad than happy, till I struggle with the same issues over and over. Till they become my FP and are overwhelmed because they didn’t really mean what they said and weren’t expecting it to be this bad. 

No one gets it unless they go through it themselves. No one understands how it feels to literally not be able to control what you say/do even when you’re fully aware cause it just doesn’t make sense. No one gets what I deal with from the moment I wake up till the moment I sleep, not even me.

My mind doesn’t stop, nor do my thoughts. I feel like I’m in a near constant of anxiety and unease and I’m constantly feeling guilty for just existing. I am scared I might be going insane