im unable to maintain relationships, intense but end shortly; say im suffocating to be with. i hate how they have other people. they don’t need anyone but me. if someone needs someone else besides me, what am i missing that they have? i might aswell be worthless. i want to keep them captive, they wont have to look at whores. i cant trust them. why cant they be with me, only me, all the time. only need me. i cant have “friends”, i get jealous if they have others. im not needed, im replaceable, im worthless. having friends is useless. i just want someone to love me. why cant i kill every female, all whores. i hate them all. all in my way. i left all my friends. all useless if they dont fall in love with me. i hate being alone, i cant do it anymore. i have several suicide plans, i will go through with them soon, i can not deal with this anymore. its a loop of hell. i want someone, but im too hideous to find it. i dont have that privilege, im a monster. i dont look human. so im left with no choice to be alone. but i hate it, so much. but i deserve it, no one would want me. if i dont find someone soon, i will die. i have black and white thinking. i didnt figure it out til i learned about it. i think im correct, i know i am. i know the world better than most. but no one will admit it, no one will say im right. they lie to themselves in order to live, or else they will become me. the only way to cope is if i cut, drink, strangle myself, abuse pills, smoke, or block the one person in my life. he doesn’t love me tho, he is merely a tool to distract me til i die. he earned himself that title by not loving me. he doesnt care though, because if he did, he would pick me; i know my worth. i mainly cut for all the reasons: the blood, the emptiness, the punishment, the scars. all i think about is dying, how ugly and worthless i am. i wonder what others my age think. its hard not to cry in class, i end up tearing up everyday. its catching up to my physically. every day i feel cold, dark, and suffocated. i feel sick, my head hurts, my body hurts. it feels like hell, all of it. i most likely have bdd aswell. i never leave my house, i always wear masks for school, i cant eat or drink water the whole day because people will see me. if i ever take my mask off, i make sure every move has a purpose, i make sure no one is there. im always on high alert. please help me. i cant get help due to the stress itd put on my mother. can someone tell me whats wrong with me. can i find people like me? can i make them love me? everyone is stupid theyre all idiots. they act like im wrong but im not. theyre all selfish, greedy, whores. cant be thankful for someone like me. i show my loyalty by having no one. AND NO ONE IS THANKFUL??? i want to die i cant take it anymore. why cant someone control me? why do they have to be so complicated.