   I only ever vent about my problems here on Reddit, just to hear people tell me I'm not as alone as I feel. I have nobody to talk to, nor have I ever gotten any answers or solutions about the way I feel. 
   I have my boyfriend but we've been together a long time and he's past the point of sympathy exhaustion I'm sure. And to be honest, even if I did have people to talk to, it wouldn't matter. I have plenty of childhood trauma I've worked through in therapy, but unfortunately this perpetual feeling of being alien and not belonging here is something no amount of therapy or medication can truly fix. 
   It's unbearable, this constant loneliness and emptiness I feel. I feel it everyday, to my fucking core. People try being my friend, they try making conversation with me, they try being there for me, but there's a disconnect between me and the rest of the world. I don't even want to talk 99% of the time. Not even to people I love. Talking feels pointless. I want to enjoy conversation like other people, I want to enjoy socializing, I want real friends, I crave connection, but it just never happens. The more I try to force myself to socialize the more lonely I feel. 
     Everyday Im reminded of it, my boyfriend is a social butterfly and makes friends and conversation with everybody. I've brought this up and he always claims it's "all a facade" or "only when it benefits him" but I see through that. I see the genuine smiles and laughs coming from him. I hear his meaningful conversations with everyone. He can talk to anyone for hours. I can only muster up a couple sentences and feel exhausted after it. Im always the one just blending into the background, observing, wishing I could join in on the fun, but never being capable. This goes way deeper than just being an "introvert". I'm not shy. I'm not insecure. I actually love most people and care about them very deeply. I just feel alien and like I'm not like everyone else.