For my entire life I've run from partner to partner, addicted to the feelings I get when I'm with someone. 

The emptiness I feel when I'm alone is more painful than the shitty things I've put myself through to get to someone I'm in a relationship with. It's more painful than a break-up because it's almost like the absence of feeling.

Therapy and books suggest spending time on my own and developing hobbies, but I literally don't have any interest in anything if I'm not in a relationship or obsessed with someone. That's pathetic, right? And I'm pretty sure I've been like this as long as I can remember. 

Obviously if I were a normal human, this feeling of needing love would be manageable, but it's like I go full out insane every time someone does get close to me. I'm both controlling and out of control, paranoid, needy. I tend to be really sexual and people get attached to the part of me that's wild and fun and then are horrified when I get attached to them and lose my mind. 

I'm worried that this doesn't show any sign of stopping. I took a year off from dating just to try and be more normal and sane but I just got depressed and slept constantly. Now I'm seeing someone again and I'm trying not to ruin it but I keep pushing things in that direction. I'm 31 and I feel like I'm too old to still be having these problems. 