Hey guys, I feel stupid for complaining about my problems on the internet. But for the past 3 years I’ve been a chronic marijuana and alcohol user. Long story short, a couple of years ago the aforementioned problems caused me to drop out of college (for mathematics). In the meantime I’ve just been kind of a loser continuing my addictions. Now that my academic suspension is over, I’m looking forward to going back to pursue my dreams of one day being a professor. But dropping the drugs is much harder than I thought. 

When I’m not getting high on something I just feel like I’m gonna break down and start dry-heaving from my anxiety. The panic begins to set in when I realize that this isn’t going to be an easy trip into sobriety - but I have to do it. I’m regularly breaking down and relapsing and I just feel like I can’t do it. This is making me feel so shameful because I feel like I’m gonna give up just to be a drug addict the rest of my life - like most of my Dads side of the family. 

I really hate how my life has shaped up and I just feel like I want to give up on everything and just hide away in my bed. I don’t know if I’m breaking rules or being a burden on the sub-reddit by doing this. But I just need someone to tell me that they’ve felt the same way. I just need to know that things are going to be ok and that it’s ok to feel this way. I can’t talk to my family because whenever I do try to talk about this they just pretend like I’m not talking and then change the subject. I feel like my therapist is just trying to put me in a box and that she just wants a check from my hour. Please tell me someone thinks these thoughts too. I’m sorry for posting here if I wasn’t supposed to.