I haven’t been properly diagnosed with a psychologist yet but my doctor thinks I almost definitely have this disorder. 

I feel so lost and emotional but relieved because I honestly felt so alone and felt like I was going crazy or that I was a bad person. 

The symptoms of this disorder show up primarily on in my relationships, have other people found that? I don’t have many close friendships but I get mild symptoms but don’t like getting too close because I know I’ll hurt them. 
I treat my boyfriend like absolute crap. He will say the smallest thing and it will trigger me so much I will cry, scream, tell him he’s ugly and pathetic and I hope he dies, i break up with him, I will hit him and dig my nails into his skin and I feel the most immense hatred for him. Then half an hour later I will cry and apologise and tell him how much I love him and never meant it and I won’t understand how I hated him a moment ago like it doesn’t even feel like that was me, it feels like there’s a demon inside of me taking control it’s so scary. 

I am so paranoid and insecure. I constantly accuse him of cheating on me. I am OCD about his ex girlfriend and constantly stalk her on social media. I have multiple fake accounts and follow her. I save photos of her on to my phone. I feel in control. 

Lately we argue every single day. I blocked him on all social media last night after I finished screaming at him because he’s going away to a festival with his friends and I’m so so so paranoid I can’t even control it. 

I’m so lost. I don’t know how to cope. I’m going to lose my boyfriend and that’s my biggest fear of all even though I’m the one pushing him away.