Tw self harm





-------------
I haven't cut in 5 years until last night. My fp is my ex and he's starting a relationship. I've been very stable yesterday, very well behaved and came over to drink and play games. We even had a conversation about the night. 

Me: "I'm having an okay day handling getting kicked out, moving back in and getting broken up with because I have bpd and he finally googled it. I'm doing very well without my meds, drink tonight?"

Him: "I have a phone call"
Me"okay can you do it before I start drinking?" 

Him:"sure"
 I did well with him ignoring me. I did well with the first phone call. Not so great with the second when I was 2 beers in. Well I came from smoking he popped his head out the bedroom and asked if I wanted to hang out. I said idk are you just going to be- (on your phone) but he cut me off because she fell asleep on the phone and didn't want me to wake her. I fucking lost it. 
I'm sobbing on the couch losing it, trying to calm down and he's standing over me scream whispering "shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, I'm done with you you piece of shit shut the fuck up" while I'm sobbing. So I shut it off. I quit crying I cut myself instead. I was quiet so I didn't wake her up, but nobody considered I was too quiet as he texted me that I'm s piece of shit and he can't ever do something for himself. 
I fucking hate him. I hate him with every breath. Is it BPD or is it real? Am I right to be mad? Like I'm so *disgusted* by how he reacted. 

Then middle of the night he crawled into the very thin couch with me and kicked me off it while he left his Snapchat open on his bed with the phone call running  and pointing my way while this fixing stone monster WROTE HER POETRY IN HER SLEEP. "oh my dear princess, how you soundlessly sleep, I wish you could hold you" I FUCKING HATE HIM. There was no ignoring it. He crawled out of bed for NO REASON kicked me off the couch with no chance at a bed. I slept with his roommate I've known since high school. I hate him so fucking much. I really really do.