I am falling behind in my battles and i have been struggling with myself a lot lately. I am ina mixed state of wanting a future or pulling the plug. 
To elaborate i have major depressive disorder and other potential diagnosis we are working on in counseling. But i just can’t anymore. I am tired of this man, i am so lonely and so unheard. I want someone but im scared of people. It makes me want to scream this ongoing contradiction inside me. It makes me split in two.
I dont enjoy nothing anymore, i just get high and hope it stops soon.  I am so fucking tired. I am going through a journey and realize my depression has made me a bad person and i want to change but the people that made change worth it have left or i pushed them away. I killed myself before i was dead. Im stuck. I hope someone out there loves me. I hope someone out there can relate. I am sorry for anyone reading thus far this was stupid but i NEED to vent im going crazy.