I’ve been working really hard on myself and looking inside, but the more I do that the more i’m starting to learn or at least believe I don’t have the ability to truly be empathetic or sympathetic to those close to me.



I have always believed I loved the ones in my life and that I feel guilt for whenever I hurt anyone, i’ll do anything for anyone, but i’m starting to learn I see love as abuse and actually saying “I love you” is manipulation and a way to cover that abuse/hate or just something you say because you’re supposed to say it. I chase sadistic people for this reason. I think when they hurt or would throw me away but keep me because i’m useful is them loving me. Love isn’t a confession or something nice, it’s manipulation/abuse or something you say to be nice.



I’ve been looking back and the times I’ve told people I loved them, I have only said it during an apology after I lashed out and tried to hurt them as much as I possibly could. I thought I did love them and I thought I was apologizing because I felt guilt and sorrow for ever hurting them, but looking back the apologies came from a place of fear and desperation. I thought they’d leave me, so I did what I thought was the best way to keep them all.



Even the last time I did this, after I said hurtful things and stormed out, I came back a few days later to apologize and “confess my love” because while I was storming out this person thanked me in the middle of their tears for finally stopping and I took that as them abandoning me and not the other way around. If they didn’t thank me I wouldn’t have come back. It was like a “you’re thanking me for leaving after you started this? You wanted to leave? How dare you for wanting to abandon me but were too busy pitying me to do so. You faked everything in this relationship. You’re an abusive liar” type situation in my head. I even viewed myself as not important enough to hurt them so I didn’t even grasp I actually genuinely hurt them. I thought they were hurting me which leads me to believe I’m not empathetic or anything of the sort.



During this apology of mine, I took accountability. I said I was horrible for what I did. I thought I felt sorrow and regret for possibly hurting them so I took accountability, promised I was going to change/work on myself so I don’t do anything like this with anyone ever again and told them i’m not apologizing because I expect anything from it and I understand any reaction they’ll have. It was honestly a good apology. I said everything right. They even told me it felt like I was stabbing their heart every insult and sentence I said during the argument, and I felt happy and giddy hearing this confession of theirs. I thought they loved me because I could hurt them. It made me think I was important and that I wasn’t left behind by them.



This situation is just one example and I want to say I regret hurting this person or anyone else, but I don’t think I actually regret it. I’d only regret it if I lost them because it would mean I would’ve been left or thrown away. This person is still in my life and I thankfully have not lashed out at them at all in months. I do everything right and genuinely support them and followed my promised, but I do disappear and have my moments where I just hurt myself instead (I don’t tell anyone). 



I’m doing really good at not hurting others is such an in your face way, but all of this leads me to believe I’m not working on myself out of the goodness of my heart. I’m just doing this all because I don’t want to be alone. I’m not empathetic or sympathetic. I don’t know what love actually is. Nothing. It’s just something I conform to so I don’t experience the out of control emotions I experience when I think i’m being left behind.