Reading Pete Walker's From Surviving to Thriving (about CPTSD) and I'm so angry and broken and I feel like blood is pouring from my mouth. Such a great resource, everyone says. So great for healing. Sure, most of it is. Then there are the parts where he is witheringly insulting. BPD means you're the devil. You can't feel. You can't really love. You're fucked. I can't understand how these passages that are straight up *dismissing and vilifying* a child's response to trauma made it into the book and I'm just in agony after reading yet another professional who says I can't be helped and I'm not worthy. This isn't the first time this has happened to me, either. Reading a book on BPD and it mentions how my partners frequently wish that I would die so they could escape. Going to my dr and explaining my diagnosis and asking for psych meds only to be told that I don't have BPD because people with BPD don't reach out for help. I just feel like I'm consumed with flames and like everyone can see how toxic and beyond reach I am. Here's the quote from the book that set me off-


&gt;Fight-Fawn Hybrid:  combines two polar opposites: narcissism and codependence. Narcissistic entitlement is typically at the core of the fight-fawn type. Goes between attacking diatribes and fervent declarations of caring in a single interaction. “Care-taking” behavior often feels coercive or manipulative, and is frequently aimed at achieving personal agendas which range from blatant to covert. Rarely takes any real responsibility for interpersonal problems and projects imperfection onto the other. Fawn behavior is typically devoid of real empathy or compassion.  *Some people are incorrectly diagnosed as borderline if they have some of these behaviors, but they are not, because their kindness and goodwill always returns when the flashback resolves. They also show true remorse and can sincerely apologize and make amends when appropriate.  Unlike a true borderline who is narcissistic at the core.* Another variant is where a person acts like fight type in one relationship while being a fawn in another, example is the henpecked husband (fawn) who is a tyrant at work, or the monster at home and the lovely lady at the office.