I just want to start off by saying that I’m a 21 year old female who has never been interested in having children of my own, for a lot of reasons that don’t really belong here.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 and a half months, and I adore him. It’s past the point of the classic new-partner excitement I’ve experienced in the past, and I genuinely feel like he is the love of my life, no question. I’ve been in enough relationships to know that something is different about him.

I knew that he had a daughter from the start, and I honestly thought it would just be another fling so, while I wasn’t thrilled to hear that he had a child, I really didn’t think that  was ever going to be something that came up. I had no idea we would click like we do, which just makes all that comes after so much more difficult for me.

When it’s his turn with her I get irrationally upset and jealous, and this weekend I lashed out at him worse than I have before. It hurts hurting him like I know I do, and it hurts that he puts up with it because of how much he cares about me. I find myself trying to push him away because I know that I’m not good for him, and by extension his daughter. I’m not here to traumatize his child and to be another case of the evil stepmother while she’s growing up. But we all know how easy it is to control our feelings. I don’t want that to ever rub off on her, and kids are very intuitive so if I’m going to be a part of my boyfriend’s life long-term, I will be a part of hers and she’ll be able to tell how much I resent her existence. 

I don’t hate kids, and I don’t hate her, and I’m sure she’s absolutely wonderful; I just do not want to be in this situation. He’s not asking me to be a mother, and honestly it isn’t about that. It’s about him loving her more than me; and I know it’s a different kind of love, but it’s stronger than what we have. That’s his blood. I can’t blame him for that. I feel as though I want what he can’t give me. I want his undivided attention and devotion, like he has from me, but that’s just not the reality.

I guess I’m at an impasse. It’s a lot of pressure, and while he makes me really happy, when I’m away from him I get very upset. I fall into a darker place than I’ve been in a long time. I’m breaking out, and on the verge of tears almost all the time. I don’t like that it all comes down to me deciding whether or not I can accept that he is a father and can’t love me the same way I love him. I didn’t even wish him a happy father’s day today because I just absolutely despise that part of him. He’s a great dad as far as I can tell, but I wish he just wasn’t one at all. 

Can anyone else relate? Does anyone have any advice that isn’t to break up with him? I don’t know what to do, and everyone I’ve talked to about it has an outsider’s perspective because they don’t have to deal with what we do (and they all think I’m shitty for “hating his kid”).