Hi. Anxiety is not something I know so much about and I don’t have anyone to talk to so some opinions would really be helpful. 

I started having anxiety when my mum passed away last year. I saw a doctor and was given some meds to help for a couple months but I only had them when I needed to. A couple days ago I realised I started having anxiety again but I had more symptoms I had never experienced before. I couldn’t eat, my body would tremble, rapid heart beats, my hands are shaking and my legs felt like jelly whenever I walked. This felt so new and was really scary for me. Because of this I kept to myself a lot. I turned down invites to hang with some friends because apart from feeling afraid of how my anxiety felt, I just couldn’t be around people at the time. I didn’t feel happy so I didn’t want to bum the people around me out. I stayed in my room for a week. I didn’t see anyone apart from my housemates. I couldn’t go to classes. I only stepped out of the house once for an appointment and that’s when my legs felt jelly, my hands were shaking and my heart was beating real fast but I did it. I was really proud of myself for going through that day. 

But then my two closest friends turned against me. One of them is my housemate and the other is my close college friend. They’re mad and upset at me for not hanging out with them when I was having my time alone. I apologised and explained it was because I had anxiety and it felt scary for me but my housemate said “everyone has bad days but people still do things they don’t want to do.” when I said that’s not the same as how I was feeling she still persisted on her judgements. I told her that it’s okay if she didn’t understand how I was feeling but don’t sound judgemental about it and she said, “I’m just telling you my opinion, if that’s how you feel then I won’t tell you my opinion anymore.” I didn’t know how to respond to that because I was trying to make her understand where I was coming from but she turned passive aggressive.
Some of the other things she said was, “I know you have anxiety but it’s not anyones fault.” “We try to make you happy but you just seem super ungrateful for being alone all the time.” 

To clarify, I didn’t blame anyone for my anxiety or took it out on anyone. When I realised my anxiety got really bad, I stayed in in bed most of the time because that was where I felt most calm. I would answer the phone if I needed to, talk to them if they did but I didn’t blame or get angry at anybody. And none of them did anything to make me happy because there was no need to. I didn’t expect them to come to my house with flowers and ice cream. I just dealt with it alone and I was okay with that. 

I apologised to my college friend on text a few days ago and she read it but hasn’t replied. The conversations were left at that and I haven’t spoken to either of them since. I don’t know even if we’re friends anymore but I can hear them talking on the phone since my housemates room is next to mine. 

Is it my fault that I did this to them and our friendship because of the way I was feeling?