One of my best friends (19M) passed away last week due to an overdose. We were extremely close in high school he was my first kiss and I lost my virginity to him. We never dated but I was inlove with him and he was my best friend. After We graduated last year we drifted apart cause he got into a relationship but we would reach out to each other once in a while. He told me his girlfriend at the time was helping in get into rehab. which he did and was clean for a while. Until they broke up. I dont know exactly what happened but i assume it was hard on him and he used drugs to cope again. 

I found he passed away on my way to work and I immediately just fell to the floor balling my eyes out. I couldnt believe it. for three days straight I was just crying and in so much pain. But now a Week has gone by and I literally cannot cry about it anymore when I think about it theres a massive hole in my chest and its fucking terrifying. Usually i would talk to my therapist but shes been gone for 4 weeks now on a Vacation and I cant see her until next week. 

Ive never experienced death before and I dont know if this is a normal thing. I expected because of my BPD I would go off the rails a bit but all ive done lately is lie in bed and just zone out for a while. Honestly it feels like I havent been alive for days. Sometimes I think about his death and I just start to laugh?

I just dont even know I needed to vent because im so confused and i just feel so numb its a little scary. it feels like I should be at my lowest low right now but i feel absolutely nothing at all.