I'll give you some back story. I am diagnosed bp2 for 5 years, and recently diagnosed bpd and gad. 

I had an "episode" 2 years ago and cheated with my husband's friend. We worked thru it and even continued the friendship with said friend. That's very far in the past and hubby was sensitive to mental health issues and able to work thru them. 

Fast forward to June this year. I left. I was enticed by another bpd friend from my past and felt awful and terrible and unworthy of my husband so I left with bpd friend ( toxic combination 💀)

Was gone for a couple of weeks and then came crawling back as usual. Hubby decided we would work it out again but the whole time was talking to his ex. I think it was to get back at me either subconsciously or not he never would admit it. He then left and now we are trying to work it out again (after weeks of talking / arguing / begging) 

My problem now is that so many tiny things remind me of HER. His ex. He stated during an argument that he was more attracted to her and I can't get that out of my head. 

I've analyzed and analyzed and realize that most likely this was because he was upset and his attraction to women is closely tied with how his heart feels.... Maybe that's what's hurting? I KNOW he cared about her. He has since blocked all contact and is working hard to help my anxieties....

I just.... I can't let go of these things. He CARED about another woman... I have no right to feel this way I did the same thing to a fuller extent (he never actually slept with her) and I feel so guilty but also terrified. I'm scared he will realize I'm not worth it. I made myself not worth it. 

I just want to erase the memories of her existence. I even confronted the girl and she was very nasty to me. 

HOW CAN I REGAIN THE SECURITY IN MY MARRIAGE???????? Before I found out about her I NEVER thought my hubby would ever be interested in another woman. In a way I took advantage of his fidelity and loyalty. And that's so dumb because I'm the bad guy obviously. But here I am the one who is still struggling. Is this my karma?? 