**Some context:**  
My job is currently going through our annual year end performance reviews. We also have midyear reviews during the summer.

I am, for all intents and purposes, a middle manager. I have just enough authority and responsibility to take the blame for things *not* getting done, but I don't actually have enough power or authority to actually instigate any meaningful change.

I suspect my boss has some sort of narcissistic personality disorder, and have been casually lurking on r/ManagedByNarcissists to help me get a better understanding of the situation at large. He is constantly talking about empathetic he is and how dangerous it is for him to be around narcissists, but he expects everyone to read his mind and everything we do, including writing these performance reviews, needs to be exactly the way he wants them to be, down to the specific formatting and punctuation used.

&amp;#x200B;

**The current situation:**  
I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with my job. It was really good in the beginning, but it's gotten progressively more toxic and unsatisfying the higher I get promoted at the company. My boss has said things like "\[they'll\] never find anywhere better than here" when someone leaves the company, is withholding of training and information (I suspect to keep his job relevant), and it makes me feel like I'll never be able to find another job in my respective industry. Most openings for my position require experience of tasks that my boss does but refuses to delegate to me and my coworkers. He has berated people who have left the company/department before, and I am scared to leave. I feel like nowhere will want to hire me because despite being at my current employer for 4 years and in a management role for 3 years, I don't have the training that is being withheld to make a lateral move to another company. Not to mention the financial instability and uncertainty of leaving. I have some savings and my partner has a good job so I don't think we'll be underwater if I were to quit, but I didn't grow up with a lot of money so it's scary to make a change like that.

My partner is incredibly supportive of my leaving. We are moving in April, and there was already uncertainty of whether or not my job would let me work remote (we are currently remote during the pandemic, but I don't think they'll let me move states, since they keep looking forward to a return to office date). My partner helped me update my resume earlier this week, and I've already applied to two jobs. We made pact that regardless of whether or not I have another job by April, my last day at this company will be April 8th.

I would quit sooner, but this is where the issue of performance reviews come into play. I manage a team of 8 direct reports. I told them this past year that 6 was my absolute maximum, so why I have 8 is an entirely different story. I genuinely like and care about my direct reports and am currently trying to get some of them promoted, because I think they deserve higher pay and better titles. My reviews need to be done by Monday.

Our review process is ridiculous. Last year, most of my reviews were 17+ page long documents. As of midyear 2021, my boss wanted all of us to write them using a coding software. Our process requires us to rate our team on a series of categories, subcategories, and examples. It is very lengthy and tedious, but again, that's an entirely different can of worms to open.

I HAVE to get through these reviews because my directs are counting on me, but it is literally destroying me.

I've been having severe and debilitating anxiety for what feels like 6 straight days. I've been having IBS-like symptoms, and my heart/chest either feels like I'm being stabbed, like it's being crushed to death, or as though my heart is being rung dry like a wet rag. I got a lot of work done this weekend, but that was after taking my ADHD medication and working until 4am one night. I've also been smoking a lot of weed to try and self-medicate through everything.

I took Monday off to attempt to get some distance and come back and finish everything up later this week. I woke up at 4:45am on Monday morning and from the moment I woke up, I was having a panic attack. I laid on the couch with an icepack on my chest to try to calm down, but ended having a full meltdown at 7:30am before my friends convinced me to take the day off. I also took a half day yesterday. Today after smoking most of the day, I was actually feeling okay. I decided, hey okay, I'll try to get some work done.

&amp;#x200B;

\*Immediate\* panic attack. Feeling like I'm going to throw up. Just opening the coding software sent me into a spiral, and my chest got tight.

I have to get this done. I don't know what I'm going to do. 

&amp;#x200B;

Thanks for getting this far if you have. I feel like I've talked to my therapist about my work struggles at length, and I feel bad constantly talking about it to my friends and partner. I'm thankful for all of the stories I've read that are similar to mine. I don't wish it on anyone but it's at least nice to have a space to speak and not feel like I'm alone.

&amp;#x200B;

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**TL;DR:** My work and boss are super toxic, but I can't quit until I finish performance reviews. Writing reviews is sending me into severe anxiety attacks.