Quarantine has thrown a giant wrench in all of my plans and activities, though at first I was able to cope. I kept myself busy and was genuinely happy to have time alone. Fast forward a month and a half and uhh.... not so much.

I’ve caused three major (and I mean MAJOR) fights with my family and boyfriend. I keep splitting and antagonizing people who make mistakes. One fight escalated to the point where I threatened to kill my step father, and pushed him out of the house. The argument started off so so fucking small. Now he and my mom are getting a divorce.

I feel so guilty once I snap out of my rage that I just fall into depression. I spent the last two days in bed after I picked an enormous fight with my boyfriend about literally nothing — it escalated to me yelling at him for everything and just taking a dump on his self esteem. He called me emotionally and verbally abusive and he wasn’t wrong.

I’m the type of person who copes with BPD and depression by constantly doing— from work, to class to the gym on the weekdays and from work out classes to volunteering to cleaning on the weekends. Quarantine has disrupted my routine and I can’t seem to create a new one that I feel motivated to do. So I just sleep or watch tv and binge eat and then get really fucking angry about small things and try to destroy everyone emotionally so they can feel as bad as I feel. I screened my boss’ calls yesterday and just laid in bed all day.

My future plans also got totally fucked, which leaves me in limbo kind of indefinitely. I don’t know how to handle any of this and I need help.