I do still qualify for an Avoidant Personality Disorder diagnosis, but that feels like a fucking victory after what I've been through all my life.

The treatment was first Mentalization Based Therapy for about a year, then 3.5 years with a psychiatrist who was studying psychoanalysis, which meant suffering through building an attachment, which helped me build up more of a consistent self. Then, 2.5 years ago, he got brain cancer, had to close his practice, and died last year. I spent that time attempting to find someone else to work with, I went through probably 15-20 for 1-9 sessions each. I recently found someone I think I can work with but I’ve thought that before and they’ve always fucked up, so we’ll see about that.

I attribute a huge chunk of this to medication, namely, low dose naltrexone for dissociation and Prozac that turns off my suicidal ideation like a light.  I had stopped self injuring independently before I was even diagnosed, at 37 (I’m 44 now). There is also the fact that BPD tends to burn itself out and become more manageable in middle age, if you survive to that point.

My biggest piece of advice: LEARN. Research BPD. Look at PubMed for peer-reviewed papers. Find out what happens when they put us in an MRI. The more you know about how this works, and how — not personal it is, the more ammunition you give the working parts of you to deal with the disordered ones.