So, go back to sept 2013, I just started gr. 12, well I was on another youtube tangent when I should have been studying, and somewhere along the lines I stumbled upon adderall videos... Well I had to have this drug, especially after just watching limitless. It seemed like the solution to everything. So I walked up stairs and said I think I have ADHD to my grandma, we booked an appointment and I got a referral to a psych! Fuck yeah my plan was working! now I just had to "convince" the psych to medicate me. He hands me this 4 sheet 1-5 questionnaire, as I'm doing it he was already writing a prescription..."fuck, he better not give me some concerta Bull shit", so i read the script and it days Dexedrine... WTF is that? Its not adderall, I wanted adderall. Well I go home and fill the scrip the same day. Turns our Dex is purer than adderall, so I pop my first amfetamine and go to the movies. Fuck was it good! I mean really good, I felt fuckin awesome! Talk about contentment in a pill! My grades shot up, but so did my anxiety. Soon enough I was having full blown panic attacks! I went into a full blown OCD paranoia for a week, then went back to the doc. He gave me some Benzos and we switched it to 5mg instead of 10, well the 5mg pills were IR instead of the XR 10mgs, soon enough I was hooked, you got a way better buzz of these, you could rail em, you could do anything. This was around the time I met a girl by the name of, lets just call her white-lightning, she was a coke head, but fuck was she hot! She inspired me to do drugs, I wanted them to be more like her ahah oops. I still talk to her, even after going off on her, and not talking for 8 months. She went to rehab and shes clean now, but she said she never really "liked" me, and that was hard to accept, but now I found a pretty darn good girl! She (oufff heart palf again, fuck they are annoying... srry), as I was saying, shes been helping me out with the whole addiction thing, and even puts up with my bs, even though I realized she shouldent have to and I am trying to not be so god damn bipolar. 

Well jump ahead a year and a half, and I'm still hooked, I've "quit" a few times, and even switched to vyvanse for a bit, (worst withdrawal's ever, cold turkey-ed off of 70+mg a day). But I always came back to the Dex. Well come yesterday I quit again, I didnt flush my pills this time, I just stopped, and my girlfriend agreed she would quit smoking weed too. I'm tired as fuck right now, but it feels kinda good giving it up. I'm so tempted to go walk out of my office, go out to my car, pop open the center console, and find my beloved pills. But I cant let my gf, or myself down. Its time I let it go, but fuck its hard. I already snapped once at my boss today, for getting mad at me for being on my phone, while I was setting up my ECG appointment, I'm gettin real bad heat palps lately. Mixing a variety of benzos, sleeping pills, amfetamines, and alcohol is probably not helping either... 

I signed up for the gym again, that usually helps me a ton. Wish me luck on finally beating this. Lets hope my ADHD symptoms dont get so out of hand they tempt me back to this pit of despair. 