I’m 23 years old. About 3 months ago, I moved back home because I completely broke down due to depression, stress and social anxiety. Right now I’m not really doing anything much, apart from seeing a therapist and occasionally taking a trip to see my friends who all live 5 hours away. In other words, I am spending A LOT of time around my family. 

I love my family more than anything in the world. They’ve always been there for me, more than anyone else, during my mostly shitty life. But for some reason, I absolutely cannot stand being around them. Everytime I go out of my room, I FEAR the social contact that I’m forced to have with them. Even just a “hello” or a look in the eye seems to take up all my “social energy” and some days I barely get out of my room because I’m so afraid of being forced into talking to my family. Everytime I am around them, I feel like I am standing on a stage, with my every move being watched and my chest feels tight. I can feel my body SCREAMING and wanting me to get away and lock myself inside my room again. It’s like I’m scared to show them my feelings. Every time I talk to them, I can only keep a straight face and I never really say anything else than “ok” or “huh”. Whenever I lived away from my family, I would actually text my mom a lot, whenever I was feeling down or something. She was kind of my “life-line” when everything seemed hopeless. But when I’m facing her in-person, it’s like my body just completely shuts down. I can’t talk to her, or my dad. 

This isn’t just something that has occured since I moved back home again. I’ve felt like this ever since I can remember, but it’s definitely worse now. 

I feel like all of this would make sense if my family were actually bad, non-understanding people. But they’re incredibly supportive, understanding and loving people. I hate that I feel this way, and I hate that I don’t know why. Has anyone else ever dealt with this?