I think I'm Bipolar and ADHD but weirdly meds that have helped me the most have not been mood stabilizers except topamax (but that's more for my binge eating disorder). 

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2014. Prescribed Vyvanse and did well for awhile but we kept cranking up dosage and eventually it triggered hypomania or mixed state and I was told to go off it and diagnosed with Bipolar II... I remember driving my car and panicking cause the other cars seemed wayyy to close and my mind was racing.

Sucked cause I had lost a lot of weight (2019 diagnosed with binge eating disorder), and I actually could keep my living space clean (huge) and keep up with personal hygiene (huge)

But I was like ok this is probably good cause I was also taking them a bit more than prescribed because I was finally getting things done in my life that I needed to do for YEARS. 

So I've always been like can't go back on that.

Fast forward to now. Things suck, but also don't. My bipolar meds are finally working. My pysch is good at what she does She put me on Effexor and Topamax which as someone who's morbidly obese with binge eating disorder has been life saving so far as I don't binge every night anymore (not as good as Vyvanse but still).

She added Wellbutrin (which I've been on before) for sexual side effects from Effexor and like it just could be a sugar pill same as before. 

But anyway this is a rant because I'm just so tired of all this trail and error. She even mentioned when I mentioned the Vyvanse and how I had overtook it that maybe it was a half life or something.... So that has given me a ray of hope.

But then I'm like no bad. You are literally a recovering alcoholic (which I'm pretty sure she also knows) so you cannot ever go back. And idk if she would actually let me.

But I'm so tired of absolutely struggling with dishes, trash, eveythingggg, showering, brushing teeth.

I enrolled in school and I'm doing good in both classes but I wait until last minute (like last five hours) to finish work for the week. And it's just like dooo I need to work harder? Yes. Am I lazy? Yes. Do I want to be? I don't think so. I'm 31 and struggle to take my trash out and then get anxiety about my method of taking out the trash?! But it's like just pick it up and take it outside? 

And like I don't feel as depressed as before except about things I'm not accomplishing.

And then at work. My weight has really started affecting my work because I took time off late 2020 to go to rehab and get sober... And I work at Starbucks and I haven't been the same since that time off like I can't move as fast and some of my coworkers seem annoyed and then I impulsively talk self deprecating sometimes and I know that's really the last thing you should be doing in that kind of social situation. But. My. Mouth. Wont. Shut. Up. 

Ok. Well if someone read that thanks. :) I probably should sent this to my doc. But it's long so it'll probably read as manic. But I only get slightly hypomanic arrogant like once every few years for like 3 days lol.