Today I was meeting up with friends for a walk. We were just getting started when I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me but I tried to ignore it, as I always do, because it's not the first time it's happened during our walks. As we were going the feeling was only becoming more unbearable and hard to hide. I had started to think of possible excuses so I could go home and calm down.

Unfortunately the feeling transitioned into a panic attack. Before, I used to have a few panic attacks a day, and of course it was a living hell but I was better at managing and hiding them. I told my friends I was taking some medication bc I got an allergic reaction recently and that it had side effects which made me dizzy and made my head spin. My mind was full of 'run, run, run'. But my friends being concerned about me insisted on staying by my side until I got home. I tried to tell them that I'd be fine and they could just continue their walk but they kept going along with me. I was walking a bit faster than them because I wanted to be home quickly and then I couldn't help myself anymore and started to run away. I didn't know what to do afterwards, I felt a bit better because I was alone and 'ran away from the danger' but I couldn't face them anymore, so I went home. I have no idea what they must be thinking. I kind of feel like my body betrayed me in hopes of getting some help. Of course, after I got home I messaged them to say sorry. 

I wish I was strong enough to tell them the truth. I'm afraid because every time I've told anyone they either didn't believe me or ignored it, so I told myself I had to deal with it on my own. But recently it's getting harder to shut up. I hope they don't hate me.

I know I should just tell them but I really can't bring myself to do it, no matter how many times I'd try. In my country, mental health is still a very taboo topic so it makes it even harder. I'll try looking for help from a psychiatrist but I'm not able to do it atm. 

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make any sense. 

TLDR: I got a panic attack after not having them for a long time, while on a walk with friends. Couldn't manage it so I run away. I hope they don't hate me.