Please no judgment. 

I have been dating my partner for 7 years, both of us were raised with a lot of issues with our parents. 

Our relationship started off extremely rocky, but we overcame a few problems like his porn addiction, smoking etc. While he was addicted to porn he was also always mean to me, irritated, would lie over small things, get angry all of the time etc. 


When I found out about the porn and the lies it really made my mental health spiral even more and I've never been the same since. He stopped watching porn in our first year of dating but I became absolutely horrible and abusive. 

I was literally crazy. I started cussing at him when we had fights, cry, obsess over how I look, other girls, I would make him promise not to look at other girls in sexual ways, I would say I hate him, tell him to fuck off etc. I feel absolutely horrible about it. 

After we have been dating for four years I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, Anxiety, OCD and I'm pretty sure I have ADHD too.

Since I've started all of my medications I do feel a lot better and I always try to be better. I try not to raise my voice when we fight, calm the situation down etc. I basically try to make up for how I was before I started seeing my psychiatrist and starting my medication.

But I think the damage has been done. He always raises his voice, we resort to name calling, almost breaking up, cussing. It has also gone as far as pushing each other, I slapped him in the face out of frustration when he gets so drunk that he starts screaming and cursing and punching things.

Once while he was out of his mind drunk, we were fighting he got on top of me during a fight on the bed and I was trying to get him off with my legs. I couldn't, and he held the top of my arms so tightly while on top of me that it was bruised all the way around for days. After he got off me we kept on fighting, I slapped him, it sobered him up a bit and he went to bed angry. I went to bed crying. 

Since that day he's never hurt me again, and he was absolutely disgusted with himself. He cried the day after when he heard how he was. He was so drunk he couldn't even remember doing it.

I suspect he is either Depressed or also Bipolar and I don't know what to do. I feel like I make his bad moods worse no matter what I do. We do really love each other, and not all days are bad. But I do think everything is probably my own fault because of how I was a few years ago before my medication. 

Does anyone else struggle in their intimate relationships?