I find myself having a lot of issues with pushing myself into certain mental illnesses.

It started two years ago when I was 16 yo and noticed that I was experiencing extreme emotional pain and somehow changing moods. I thought I had depression at first.

And then it started. I had that voice in my head saying that I wasn't depressed enough. That depressed people would not meet their friends, would not laugh, would not do this or that. This inner response made me think that I was just making things up. Unfortunately I thought others would say the same behind my back and so I started to really close down upon those little behaviours that in my twisted view were responsible for my inner pain.

Only now I know that it was a perfectionistic response. I was trying to not give other people reasons to criticize or abandon me. I tried to literally delete all changes in moods within myself. Good luck with that in a person with borderline. But as it was driven by the fear of abandonment it turned out to be rather successful and I spent nearly a year hating myself, becoming evermore drained of feelings, a sense of reality or self.

Now as I'm struggling to get out of there similar behaviours in me show up but this time with anorexia and not depression.

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?