yesterday my (former??? ish?? kinda??) FP says to me “you really hate people looking after themselves don’t you” bc i was upset about him wanting to cut me off after we broke up. Reading that felt like someone punched me right in the fucking face. 

bc i guess in a way he is right........ when it came down to it, i really DIDN’T care about him looking out for himself bc i knew that there was no way he was suffering nearly as intensely as i was. Bc if he was then he wouldn’t be able to even exist in his fucking skin. I feel like that’s what’s at the center of EVERY bad borderline behavior....... just wanting it to stop feeling so fucking awful. Does that make me selfish? bc if roles were reversed, i would want him to do the same thing. I wouldn’t want him to suffer at that level just so i didn’t have to feel a manageable level of bad. Idk if that even makes sense. Maybe i really am just a shitty person lol.