I just need to get these things of my chest. I’m currently on Erasmus, started on September, I’m coming back in december. Even though my time here has been very nice, spent some fun nights and met some cool people, my anxiety has increased and my mental health has been worse. I was on my all time low around one year ago, around this time my ex broke up with me and also my relationship with few of my best friends ended. Even though it happened so long ago, and I met some great people that are much better friends than my old ones, I still think about it and it brings me down. The conflict originated because of my ex, basically they chose to be friends with her instead of me, and they were ghosting me and meeting with her, as well as keeping it secret so that I wouldn’t know, trying to make a fool out of me. When I finally told them what I think about it, that I wanted some empathy, support when going through a tough breakup, they told me to fuck off. We also had a fight couple of months later (physical fight I mean). I don’t want people to hate me for some stupid reason like that, I would really like to have neutral relations with them but it’s fucking impossible because they’ve made me their number 1 enemy. Before Erasmus I met a girl, we shared some amazing moments during the summer. I wanted to date her again when I come back, but she turned out to be total slut and two weeks after I went to Erasmus she started dating someone else, and as I had feelings towards her it hurt me. Also I guess that going away from my friends, my family, my home increased my anxiety as well, I met some really nice people but I struggle with creating relations with new people especially when I’m on my own somewhere, right now a lot of people who like each other start going out together and very few people message me to go out. I also struggle to be happy with anything, I came to Erasmus to Madrid, I’m a huge Real Madrid fan, and I even had an opportunity to go to el Classico, which was a dream come true, but it didn’t feel like it. I struggle to enjoy things, I was hoping to build some relationships with people here but so far it isn’t what I expected. Also I don’t have any motivations whatsoever to study here, I’m anxious that I will fail my courses and have problems when I come back. I have no fucking idea how to overcome this. I feel like I need someone to love and who loves me but since the breakup I haven’t met anyone like that. I don’t know if it’s something wrong with me or I just have to be patient and best is yet to come. I’m meditating, doing cold showers, it helps me but I still have this fucking demons bringing me down.
This post is probably messy as hell, sorry but I just wrote what sits inside of my mind right now
If anyone wants to say anything to cheer my up, thank you so much