first time I write here. I need help . I had a relationship with a boy that I liked very much. When it all started between us he had a girlfriend (I found out after a while) while he was out of town we talked every day, we were not together but we knew we liked each other. He had become more and more distant after a while and we didn't talk for about 2 months. Back in town we started going out to talk, it looked more and more like a relationship. While We were going out, a mutual friend ( my boyfriend wanted me to tell him who he was and I refused a lot of times. when he threatened to break up, I would tell him all sorts of things that I couldn't tell him until he told me that if I recognized them we would make up. At that moment I told him that I had invented everything(that’s what he suspected) , I still didn't want him to confront that friend so i let him belive that )told me to be careful that he was the type who talked to more and kept telling me what he had seen / heard. I confronted him after a while and told him what I had heard. He initially denied then admitted that he kissed other girls that he went out with other girls, partly , it was not all he had done, and said that it would not happen again. After two months he left and we kept talking, we were super in love. We had fights about what our friend was telling me that he did not recognize or adopt an innocent attitude and made me feel guilty because I believe in someone other than him. I had some terrible ugly fights in which I reacted very badly. When he returned home having discussions, he admitted everything he had done so far, just as partially, I insisted on something until he admitted everything he did, certain events were not connected to my head and I knew it was more than that. I got over it, but there was still mistrust and 1000 discussions about the deceived lie about his attitude (when he made me feel guilty that I believe something like that about him). Since then I started to be very controlling, I checked his phone, found out things and confronted him directly with them and insisted on telling me the truth, I became a monster. He started to distance himself slightly from me and I could feel all these things. We argued until he ended. At that moment I felt horrible for what I had done and I began to realize what a monster I was and how ugly I was. I prayed for him to reconcile. He didn't want to, he wanted us to take it easy and nothing was certain. After another 100 discussions we reconciled. But even after it wasn't better. It was super distant, I was constantly arguing because I was paranoid and I thought she was talking to someone else or that she wanted someone else (while we were separated there were some flirtations with other girls) actually every discussion we had ends with we break up and leave wherever I was, continue with my requests not to part with me, not to give me this feeling of insecurity. I explained to him everything I felt that I felt abandoned, that I could not calm my thoughts and that I was in a very bad state in general when we interacted and saw where the discussion was going. I became a monster because of his distance and I reacted more and more ugly to quarrels, I tried as much as I could to calm down or not start a discussion but I saw there all the signs that he didn't want me anymore: I didn't talk as much, we didn't see each other anymore because he didn't want to see me and he never offered me support for my moods, we were no longer affectionate with each other, there was really nothing left. After our last quarrel in which I reacted the worst, he doesn't answer my messages anymore. He doesn't want to hear from me anymore and avoids me. He didn't block me and read the messages after a while. But he doesn't answer me. The whole relationship I felt insecure and lied to or avoided, I felt that he did not love me or that he did not show me this. I am very sorry for how I came to him and I wish we could take it from 0 but he I don't think he wants it anymore. I feel horrible and I don't think I can get over it, I cry every day and I have panic attacks and I keep thinking about what he is doing during this time or how much I regret that it turned out that way. What can I do ? Please help I regret everything.