i feel so scared about everything.

"about what, exactly?"

everything

"can't you be more specific?"

from going to an event to getting out of bed, I'm scared of everything. getting dressed to start the day, going outside, existing among other people, going to the store or going for a walk on the hills behind the house, it feels so scary to even think about. when i do it, I'm always stressed about something. thinking about the future, what will i do, where will i go, how will i sustain myself, how will i manage to survive. simply existing and breathing feels so overwhelming. even doing the things i like, scares me so much. when I'm away i find myself dreaming about them but when I'm in the moment, fear floods my heart and corrupts all of my organs. it paralyzes my muscles and echoes in my whole being. "you can't do this. why did you ever think you could do this? you're not brave enough for any of this. look at you, dreamed of this moment all your life and now you're too scared to live it. you're not strong enough for this. for anything. don't be stupid, you'll die out there. stay inside. hide away. be quiet." 

everything feels like it's moving too fast even if in reality it has barely even started moving. nothing is safe, nothing is sure. everything could fall apart in a moment. "you won't know what to do. you won't be able to figure it out and it will only get worse and you will suffer. you're not strong enough to endure what's coming for you." it poisons my brain and injects my stomach with toxic acid. like a snake it strangles my neck and wraps around my shoulders and arms, holding me tight it stops the blood flow from my legs. with the weight of a thousand skies it pushes me down wanting to bury me in the deepest, darkest hole of the earth. it never leaves. it's always lurking, always whispering, it's got ahold of my brain, it controls me. 

i want to be brave. i want to be courageous. with a heart so strong, i lift the sword and strike it like thunder. its head falls down and the suffocating grip slowly weakens. it falls on the ground, the monster that was once towering over me is now so small and frail, turning to ashes, disappearing. i can breathe. my blood, once dark and thick, is now bright red like a fire that fills my muscles with an everlasting flame of strength. i am ready to live

"are you thinking about me?"

...

"you don't want to kill _me,_ do you?" 

"I've been by your side since you were born. i know you better than anyone and you know I'd never leave you, even if everyone else abandoned you. I've always protected you. I'm the only one you can trust."

it's back. i defeat it over and over again, but always only in my imagination. it is forcing me to find comfort in hiding. it doesn't like when i talk about it. keep quiet, we mustn't move. it's watching me.