Hi guys,

31yo male from Australia here. I was with my ex for almost 2 years.

I was diagnosed with BPD 6 months ago, it was 3 weeks after my ex split up with me. The break up was what opened my eyes to how I was not only treating myself but how I was treating and making others close to me feel. I immediately quit marijuana, started eating healthy and regularly, started walking every day, and changed a lot about me. Then I got the diagnosis and it really resonated with me and much of my life, especially the latter part of our 2 year relationship made sense to me. I took the diagnosis on board, did a tonne of research on it, I reflected on all of my life and where I've gone wrong, and I put the work in to change and be a better person. I've since got a full time job that I've been in for 4 months (only ever been able to hold a full time job for one month pre-diagnosis). I have so much appreciation for life and the people in it, whereas pre-diagnosis I didn't value them nearly as much. I come from a broken family, was abandoned for much of my life, so I never put any value into family or the people in it. I now have the best relationship with my family and my mother especially, and I value that greatly. I spoke to a BPD specialist 2 months after being diagnosed (3-4 months ago) and after a lengthy chat they said "I feel like I'm talking to the already converted". Which told me that I really am doing all of the right things to recover and be a better person.

Because of what my ex explained to me after our break up, I realised where I'd gone wrong (in many areas) and I feel absolutely horrible that she had the experience she did. I've done all of the right things by her, including giving her space, and I've treated her like gold since, but she just seems to get angrier and angrier that she went through what she did with me as time goes on. Last week she messaged me "do not contact me again" and it crushed me. I think about her every hour of every day. And all the things I've changed and how I've become better and feeling so desperate for her to see that and experience the better me now that I have the right diagnosis and treatment. I didn't respond to her msg to not contact her again because I realise she does need her space. I just hope that someday down the track she understands that the episodes she experienced was directly linked to this illness, and that she unserstands what this illness really means or how it's affected me. I can't lie, there is a part of me that hopes we can work on things and talk things out and get the relationship back on track. But all I really want is for her to not hate me, or hold my episodes against me. I realise I affected her deeply from being so mentally ill for so long. But I wish for the day to come that she understands that it was the illness driving me much of the time and now that I have the right diagnosis and treatment and have changed almost every aspect of my life I will never be that same broken person again that she spent so much time with.

She has mental health troubles herself that she has struggled with and not got the right help for, and she's projected her own trauma and mental health issues on to me too. Not nearly as bad as I did to her, but I feel that that is also valid. But she believes she never did a thing wrong ever. And Ive given her every opportunity to speak about anything she'd like to no matter how much it's hurt me, but she hasn't let me talk about anything I'd like to which hurts. She told me 2 weeks ago when I said that she had been unfair to me at times over the past 6 months, that she doesn't think that can be used against her because she was treated unfairly for a year and a half. Her narrative is that I've been an asshole for too long and that she didn't step out of line. She reminds me of myself pre-diagnosis to a degree, in that I thought I was doing all the right things and if anyone said othersise then they would be the enemy. Shes being very selfish and it hurts to my core but I do realise and can take responsibility that I have indeed hurt her and she needs to take her own time to heal from that.

Sorry for the essay. I just cannot stop thinking about her multiple times an hour of every day. I struggle to live in the moment because I can't get her out of my head or things I'd like to tell or show her.