It hurts waking up in the morning because what I look forward to the most Is when I go back to sleep, when I dream. I have to maintain my routine otherwise it all goes to shit. I know that if I stop putting in an effort for even one day, it'll all go downhill. It's been such a long streak, it's been over a year since I tried to kill myself and it's been over half a year since I've even seriously thought about killing myself, bad thoughts all that shit. I feel people around me just don't care, I put in the effort, I try to be nice to people but they see me as a commodity so they don't care if I stop talking to them, if I stop making them laugh. The friendships are superficial. It's been getting worse recently. A month ago I had to cut someone out of my life. I really liked her for months, we were close and she made me feel safe. I felt I could trust her. Then a month back I had to cut her off, she kept looking for confrontation, trying to argue with me, it was abusive, she was lashing out at me. I don't know what I did to deserve this, I fucked up in my previous relationships and I learned from that, I learned how to recognize my own red flags and that of my partners, how to communicate through things. But this? I couldn't see this coming. It's going down to shit since then, I have to constantly keep my life in order otherwise I'll resort back to drugs or kill myself, they're not mutually exclusive either.

I'm trying my best but I feel like i'm grasping at straws