Tw: Mentions of rape.

For your information I am today a 16 year old girl. And before you get me wrong I have never been raped nor had anyone touch me sexually. When I was around the age of 10 my body started developing, I mean my boobs were growing fast and my body started getting curves. I was always a little bit mature for my age because I consumed materials that were meant for an older audience. I hated being that young. My "womanly" body and desire to be older fucked me up. It really did. It didn't help that I was deranged (still am) and had questionable fantasies that would put me in a psych ward. I used to fantasize about older men. I wanted an older man to love me, to comfort me and to make love to me. Whenever older men complimented me on my body I'd get so happy and I felt so sexy. At 14 I discovered the brilliant movie Lolita and fell in love. I wanted that so badly. I felt it was the only way I'd make a man happy. My body was the only thing loveable about me. It doesnt help that these fantasies has gotten more questionable by the years. I wish I could say that these rape fantasies are gone but they're still there. Worst part is the fact that I'm a lesbian yet fantasize about men doing nonconsensual stuff to me. My mental health is terrible I am a self harmer and a 2 times suicide attempt survivor. I feel dirty, disgusting that I think these thoughts and that I'm disrespecting SA survivors but the thing is I'm extremly against rape and would kill a rapist with no hesitation. But I've always been abnornmal. I don't know what to call this but it's getting worse rn but I cannot say I have sexual trauma because I was never traumatized by someone else.

Can someone tell me what's wrong with me. I want this side of me gone.