Throwaway account as I don't want others who possibly know me to know about this.

I don't even know if I know about this to be honest. Remote working has really worked for me. 

2 years later we've to go back on a sort of 50/50 basis.

I tolerate my work. I've had worse jobs.

I've had to go back three times now and all I hear is "hey its so great we're all back to normal now." etc etc

It's not normal. I feel more isolated and anxious now than I did throughout the pandemic. I've applied for complete home working but it's doubtful I'll get it.

I've spent my whole life being told by someone what to do - parents, teachers, work etc.

Remote working allowed me to exercise and have slight control over my day as I saved approx 2 hours due to commuting. I'll keep up the exercise as it's a release for me, but it's still less time for me due to commuting again. 

I'm doing more work than ever. I get interrupted whenever at the office as people won't think for themselves - they'll see me and just come over because its easier than thinking. Every aspect of my job is achievable at home.

I'm now wondering how I got here, why I'm here and how I can feasibly sustain this existence until retirement (retirement being something that financially might never happen)

I don't see how everyone thinks it's great. It's not normal. I don't want "normal" I want choice. I used to laugh at Office Space and now its almost a bit too real.  Most either seem to love this development or have the "well, what you gonna do" attitude. One reason for returning was apparently due to people's mental wellbeing - I was never consulted about my mental wellbeing. 

I'm worried, stressing and there's no fulfillment whatsoever. I've got a house and a dog so I can't just quit, plus I've been on welfare before and that was a whole different feeling bad. 

I look around and think "is this it?" - I wish I could accept things. I wish I was glad to be back. Everyone whoever gave me advice throughout my life  is just as miserable, cowardly and lost. When I've brought these feelings up recently I get a sorta "yep, that's life" 

These feelings have been around below the surface for years but have crystallised recently. Due to improving my own physical and mental health during the past two years I've actually almost learned to tolerate myself. I used to drink but it stopped working. I guess I've learned about myself during this time and this return to workplace is a potential threat to that growth. 

I'm not even sure if this is depression as I feel that's probably an insult to those who truly are suffering from depression, but I don't know what this is. I just know it's not a sustainable feeling, at least not for me.

I was wondering if anyone knew how this could be described and if there was any recommended reading? I apologise if this isn't the correct /r/ to post on - it's hard to categorise the feeling.

I thought my feelings would be easier to deal with as I aged.