I'm a person, that really values close relationships. And I think, that I am very close with my best friend, because I can talk to him about pretty much anything by now (after years of weirdness because of sa...). But since a few weeks, he practically has a girlfriend. This has two negative effects.

First of all, I am so afraid, that I will be replaced by her, and that our friendship will break im half over his gf. I fear, that there now is someone better and more interesting than me, so why would he spend his time with me, if he could spend it with someone who is better than me in every aspect?

And second of all, I just can't get over how easy he has it with people, especially people that he finds attractive. He just talks to them, invites them to dates, etc. and one week after meeting them he send me pics of them cuddling. I, on the other hand, can't deal with people ,that I find attractive, at all. And no one apparently wants to deal with me, let aline even date me. In the rare occasion, that I catch someone looking at me, all I can see is disgust. Which is no surprise because I'm really just a boring, ugly and stupid disgrace and I wouldn't be enough for anyone anyways (There is always someone better than me, soo...). It just breaks everything in me, when I see him with his gf, and when I see how much she likes him. I can't even think of someone liking me this much.

I got so bad, that by now, I'm seriously thinking of killing myself. I think that if I had access to something that would kill me with a near to 100% chance, like a gun for example, I wouldn't be no more. But now I'm just finding myself standing on my 3rd floor balcony everyday, staring down to the ground. I really don't know what to to.

If you've come this far, thank you for sitting through my rant. I would really appreciate your thoughts.