 

Hi all,

I've been diagnosed with Bi-Polar type 2 for the past 8 years &amp; am now 24 years old. For the past around 16 months, I completely stopped taking my medication - I justified this as being 'unable to afford my medication' but I certainly could have figured something out. Looking back on this period now having been rehabilitated for some weeks, I lost everything that I ever valued in life. Accumulating almost $40k in debt, losing any friends (and what's worse - I do not blame anybody for seeing the illness and knowing 'this is too much for me') &amp; reputation that I'd accumulated/valued &amp; loved once they were exposed to the hypomania &amp; digging myself a hole that medicated me consistently has to find some way out of.

Yet, throughout this period, I was consistently suicidal &amp; remain more so than ever. This illness is so emotionally &amp; physically taxing that I am beyond tired of fighting. Each time I am depressed about things and the illness feels too much, I look back years later and things are EVEN WORSE the next time I step back and am able to consider things relatively clearly. It feels like being diagnosed with bi-polar is a death sentence with a timeline unknown - if even the littlest of things is able to be the catalyst for an extremely manic episode, what then when something drastic happens? I despise myself, &amp; I know that people have it far worse - I feel so ungrateful for the things/the life that i've been able to live and i'm never able to appreciate anything.

The worst thing however, is that I had a perception of relationships, friendships, whatever it may be - that I no longer trust. I can't justify trusting my headspace when it's been so wrong about so many things &amp; constantly now questioning if these are real thoughts or the results of depressive hypomania/depression? How do you go about loving yourself again &amp; trusting yourself - if ever? Especially after seeing the reaction of almost anybody after seeing even the most minor of symptoms.

Thanks for reading my ramblings &amp; sorry if this seems like a journal entry