 

For me, the "dysthymia" or "anhedonia" is mainly the lack of experiencing the world as a magical place. When I was a kid, everything was new and I enjoyed experimenting with things just to see what might happen.

Growing up seemed like some kind of a psychadelic experience. Jewllery seemed like meteorites. A water slide seemed like going from above the clouds to the deep ocean. A laser show seemed like a magical dancing of a thousand rays of light somehow created. A journey in a dark street seemed like thousand wolves might be just around the corner and I didn't know that. Every grass field looked like an adventure ground for me to dig in and find magical and mysterious things which walk around and fly. Music sounded like a band of magical and unknown instruments somehow combined together, and it was unknown what would happen in the next second.

The world seemed like an interesting place. But when I grew up the mystery disappeared and the expectations are now "stone cold". I know everything I encounter in life now. I can google everything I dont. I can recognize some kind of pattern in everything. Everything is just fit in its own little box. And it just seem so bland and meh.

Maybe its just a natural "growing up" and figuring out the world, and now as I am an adult, I should recognize the rigidity and normalcy of things.

I have maintained this persistent, chronic, and stable state for 15 years now.  


I have done several trials of SSRIs, SNRIs, Wellbutrin, Clomipramine, Lamictal, Stimulants (whose effect fade away after several days), 6 years of talk therapy, and hospitalization for a few months.

As I grew up the magic was totally gone at some point. So I totally not getting what other people are excited about. Perhaps I am not a neuro typical person and this should not be a pain for a typical person. But I am not a typical person. And as I discovered everything.. I have nothing to look for in life now. this what makes my depression. The feeling that being alive is difficult, because there are very hard problems I need to battle with, and my desires and wishes are basically, not met, and in addition, sleeping in bed is just as interesting for me. I will not hurt myself but I'd welcome death if it would come.

Can someone relate to this kind of experience?