So a rundown on my fathers side to where these issues may have stemmed from.

My father told my sister and I that when he was younger, he believed he had bipolar. He told me never to drink, because before I was born he had a huge drinking problem. Drank when he turned 14, up into his mid 30's. But he would binge drink. So there would be many weeks at a time where he'd be dry, and then he'd go at it again. Now that he passed, I have heard a lot more about him that was sheltered from me.
Cops were involved multiple times. He'd run from the cops, that were looking for him... Just stories if you heard them would think were over the top. He also was sexually abused. His own father would abuse him, and my father would turn to abuse others. 

His whole side of the family were emotionally unhealthy. My aunt was emotionally unstable. She already had two young children in her life... And was suicidal. She attempted many times, but never fully went through. 
My other aunt was supposedly diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (I believe a form of bipolar type and schizophrenia) she painted her car yellow (I still remember this car) to hide from the FBI. She also had bouts of turmoil, where she would have these rages (kicking my father as hard as she could in the shins with her steel toed boots) swearing (I was a baby, I remember nothing of this) but my sister does, and she was always scared of her. Her and her ex husband sold their house, but because she missed it so much, she would let herself into her old house, and sleep on the new owners couch. When I grew to be a child, she was actually my favourite aunt. She was more emotionally stable, and she always loved kids. She always took me to the beach. 


My childhood was actually normal. My dad did nothing to me. Never drank. We actually had a very close relationship, and I loved him so much. So hearing those stories of him was like hearing a different person. People who knew him as I did loved him. He was extremely giving, would give anything he had to others... Would share his wisdom, would help almost anyone. Was an honest worker, and did his absolute best at whatever task he had. 



I had a happy childhood... But something changed when I was entering puberty. I was a bit weird, and was bullied for four years. That affected everything. In my teen years, there was always a melancholy feeling in the back of my mind. When I was emotional, I was extremely passionate. I remember destroying a few things as a kid, but nothing too bad. I hid this part as a teen, because I didn't wish others to view me going through " hormonal changes" I hid a lot of negative feelings. I felt embarrassed if people were to see me sad or angry. People always asked me, "do you ever get angry?" Because I was always incredibly sweet and polite... Which was genuine. But when I did get mad, I'd have to scream in a pillow, kick the mattress as hard as I could, (I destroyed my closet door.)

Early 20's was when I felt things started to change. One summer I went through major ups and downs. I thought about suicide a lot. There would be times where I would feel normal, start to get sad, and it would get so bad that I would plan my suicide. And then, my mood would bounce back normally, and I wouldn't feel suicidal. 

I would never self harm, but I put myself down a lot. Feeling I was never good enough, etc.. So I think that would be my "self harm"

I always thought these feelings correlated with PMS, but no...

These months though, it gets so bad, I feel I can't be alone. I feel the intense depressive feelings come closer, and honestly, I feel someone has to be in the room with me. I need distraction. Few days back, I had another suicidal episode. I just wanted to keep driving as far away as I could. I was thinking of bridges I could hang myself under.... But leaving both my sister and my mother would have been incredibly painful for them both. 


I have no idea why this is happening. When I read of "QUIET Bpd" (not the standard, just the quiet) a lot of it hit home for me... Except for physical self harm, and intense fear of people leaving. Though since my dad passed, I am extremely worried about my mom. These thoughts thinking of her honestly make me spiral down... I do not want anymore family to pass anytime soon..,

- depressive episodes 
- No high feelings
- Suicidal at times
- Feels normal then forgets how bad previous feelings were
- Black and white thinking "splitting"
- ANXIETY --- this is huge for me 
- Feel distant from others
- Feeling like reality is an illusion?


https://themighty.com/2018/06/quiet-bpd-borderline-personality-disorder-signs/