Since I was a kid, I have always struggled making friends and keeping them. Many friendships I have had have crashed and burned because I have terrible attachment problems (duh......). I have a couple close friends in my life (my husband who puts up with me and my best friend who lives kind of far away now). 

I feel like every year I burn a bridge... I have someone who was in my life and then they cut me out of their life for being "toxic". Am I really toxic? I guess so... in 2016 I had 3 people decide they didn't want me in their life anymore... The first person I feel was a misunderstanding and the situation truly was out of my control but it emotionally drained me and made me feel awful... I had lost my apartment, my dog, just had a baby (suffered from PPD).... it was a sad time for me... and would continue to be for awhile. She was dealing with her own emotional and personal problems thus needing to put the blame on someone and that someone happened to be me...

The next situation involved family. They had come to "visit" from a foreign and in exchange for their stay and a stipend, they would watch my daughter while I would continue going to school. They weren't completely honest with my mom and I. My mom was very anxious and stressed out about their not being transparent about their next step. They were thinking about staying in the US illegally and it was scaring her due to the current political climate.... They became angry any time we brought it up... they told us that their plans were none of our business... they would continue to complain about their situation, my mom, and then me to my mom... IDK... I feel like I tried so hard to keep my feelings and emotions at bay... to be realistic and I even thought I was getting close to one of them only to find out she hated me and hated being here. I found out she lied about a lot of stuff she told me (how my family was mean to her for no reason or how she lost all her friends because of various reasons to make her the victim). Anyway I tried being as nice as I could to her with the little amount I had...Even after she gave me the silent treatment (which is seriously my kryptonite... it really fucks me up...) I gave some of my things that I thought were nice so she didn't have to go out and by them. I love giving people stuff in hopes that they will like me. I even kind of regret gifting some of my things but ultimately they really are just things...

They ended up blocking/deleting me the second they left our apartment. I thought they would at least stick around since I thought they had grown attached to my baby but I guess not... 

My ultimate fucking problem though is that I keep checking their public social media to snoop on what they're doing. I found out they weren't in the country anymore but I'm still fuming and am hoping they somehow fail and have to go back to their old lives which weren't even that bad. to me they were fucking spoiled and ungrateful and I AM FILLED WITH SO MUCH RAGE still even though this whole thing ended almost 2 months ago. I am even still having dreams about them and me trying to make them miserable. I just want to move on but I feel like I deserve some kind of apology. But do I deserve it??? what did I do to make these people hate me so much...