Hello everyone, 

I don’t know what else I can do.  
First of all English isn’t my first language, but I still hope you can understand what I want to say. 

It all started when I was 11 years old. My parents got a divorce and my whole world got flipped upside down. One day to the other the word family shattered into pieces. 
It fucked me up really bad. I had severe psychosomatic issues like throwing up every night, abdominal pain, feeling of emptiness etc. I felt bad until I was with my dad. 
Today I am 22 years old and I‘m fighting my depression. I moved across the country to study at the university but I never managed to find friends to connect with. 
I always was the ambivert kind of guy with a hang being introverted. 

I don’t have any interests beside from gaming and newly smoking weed. I work out from time to time but I am not disciplined enough to get it in my routine. All the activities that brought me fun don’t do it anymore. I feel like nothing really lifts up my mood. I stay Inside everyday and waste my time playing TFT and smoking weed. 

I haven’t done anything for the university and I feel guilty everytime I see the tower of work stacked up. If I have the Impuls of getting started I always feel like there is some big heavy weight that immediately shuts me down and it sucks. 

My ex boyfriend kinda abused me and it left me broken. Basically he was telling me he can’t have sex anymore but was meeting up with other guys on Grindr. Uff 

I have chronic abdominal &amp; urethra pain without any diagnosis. Doctor is telling me he can’t do anything more for me. It sucks 

Everything just sucks. It doesn’t matter how hard I try not to I always manage to fuck everything up. 

I feel so terrible unhappy in my skin. I always wished I was someone else. 

Since I can remember I always thought things like „the world would be better without me“. 

I think I‘m having some undiagnosed ADHD or some shit. I can’t sit still for a minute, I always need a thing to do. 

My brain is constantly running on full gas mode and I can’t shut it down. Thought running around etc. 

This year my dog got put down and I couldn’t be with him due to the pandemic. I still miss him so much every night. Even now I still tear up. Because things aren’t fucked up enough my cat died too this year. Both were my everything I grew up with, since the concept of family never existed to me. (Parents hate each other and played us against each other) 

My head is a huge mess. I can literally feel the chaos in my head. I don’t think I can function like this for any long. 

Suicidal thoughts are getting louder from day to day and I can’t stop them. I want to go so bad, but if I go now my little sister gets a trauma for live. I don’t want her to live what I had to live through. At least she deserve to grow up happy. 

I can’t remember the last time I really laughed. If I laugh today it always feel like I have a second skin that shows my emotions to the outside but inside I feel nothing like emptiness and pain. It’s hard for me to not het caught up in my head and zoning out leaving my face completely without a single emotion. 

In addition to all that I am a HSP and take everything personal. I feel like everything is my fault. I am tired of the world and how humans treat each other. It’s so sad to see that humans validate profit over everything leaving nothing but a fucked up planet. 

I took antidepressants but they doubled up my abdominal issues so I stopped taking them. 

My depression is blocking every try to reach out for therapy sessions. 

TL;DR = My head is a big fuck up and it eats me from the inside 

Thank you for reading to the end.