I write this laying in bed not having any strength to move or try. The holidays with the family cause tension and I hate it. I can’t be asked to discuss any fall outs once again, I can’t be asked to try to sort out this tension. So I lay here letting time pass. I don’t usually do this, but when you have already experienced it and it’s been difficult how do you resolve it. I just think “get up, go talk” it’s not always the answer. But nor is feeling guilty wasting away in bed. Feel hopeless. No one will come to me and talk. I wonder how long this will be. I have so much hatred for myself.