I saw a picture of my former partner today, it really hurts, she described it as the best Christmas ever. He's much older and a different race. I haven't moved on at all still sleep with her jumper, and have a photo next to the bed. She showed me all the love in the world and I was horrible and wasted it. I thought her love would be forever. My sex was terrible, I know for a couple of reasons, she was just being kind, my hygiene is terrible, because I never knew better, I feel very low because all of these posts are "woe is me", I don't want to be like that, but iam. So sick of being a miserable selfish unresponsible insignificant violent waste of oxygen. I've tried to be better and I keep sort of trying but my tries are getting less and less. I stopped taking medication maybe 1.5-2 weeks ago. I want to win her back. I'm too afraid to top myself I think. I have no other reason to get better, but every time I try I end up going backwards. I'm slowly doing the job with alcohol salt and ciggies sometimes some gear when it is offered to me. I get some pretty sharp chest pains. They're worse when I cry. Sorry for being sad, I hope while I'm sad someone else can be happy 🙂.