I’m literally 26 and I am genuinely tired to be alive. I am in process of trying to get back on my feet mentally and financially recovering from a hugely physically and mentally abusive relationship. I am at my parents currently for a while to go back to school and to try to fucking figure out what the heck my next path in life is and I genuinely feel hopeless. I feel no control of my life, I feel I have no say in anything in my life due to me trying to fully focus on school so i am not financially that stable at the moment, I constantly am told I have no skills, failure compare to my star younger cousin who is so good with money, taking care of her whole family and i’m nothing but just the bad example for my younger family members not to follow. I’ve been drinking just to get rid of my ptsd from many things and am on anxiety medication but im genuinely so tired. I feel no more life left in my and im just simply alive. Everyday I feel I have no control due to my depression and I cannot be around my family for more than full 2 days because I will go crazy with not feeling like I have my own space. I never have let what my parents say affect my relationship with my cousin but some days I wish the alcohol would just peacefully take me or just I wanna just not be here anymore. My parents constantly blames it on alcohol when they do not realize most times they are the reason I drink because im so tired of being compared, being called a failure all my life, being called a slut before and was told if I was to die just be quick about it then they act like nothing happen and go back to caring about me. I don’t bother most times to argue with them because they are traditional Asian parents who frankly don’t understand the difficulty of depression and trauma I have gone through and how much it sucks to now be at a point blank and then when I am trying to get back into school they think I just need 1-2 hours of homework when im trying to do my accelerated degree online to have more time for me to get back into working and even taking care of my grandma. Nothing I do is enough and nothing ever is enough. I’m so tired. The one thing I have realized is that I wished I should have stood up for the things i loved when I was younger a bit more rather than being obediently listening to my parents trying to go into careers that I had no passion and only went into it just a quick because I want it and end up in a very physically abusive relationship and it took me years to realize that I only allowed it because my dad was also like that’s my mom and I thought it was of the norm subconsciously. I seriously am trying to find a spark back in my life tbh. I am constantly scared to have friends over because my parents don’t trust my friends simply because they didn’t know anything that happened during my relationship because I moved away and was thinking it was all these people influencing me and now they don’t trust anyone I’m around. I’m genuinely really tired.