For background, I have bpd and my boyfriend smoked/s weed. He smoked for ages and before we got together I set a boundary with his weed smoking. I saw him in a messed up state all the time; either high or drunk or both. He promised me for ages that he would stop smoking. 

I formed this really bad connection to weed after someone gave me a vape without telling me it had thc in it and I pretty much went into psychosis. I had been drinking and I was on antidepressants and I had never been high so it was the worst experience ever. I then experienced the same thing when I smoked with my boyfriend one time. After that I didn’t want him smoking and he said he didn’t want to smoke. He smoked everyday and his lungs would have been black. 

Anyway, I found text messages a few weeks ago that he deleted off his phone but were still on our shared laptop of him asking people for weed. It really hurt me as he had been promising me that he had stopped. 

Fast forward to now, whenever he goes out with his friends, I lay in bed crying and get extremely anxious that he might be smoking. I believe it’s gotten to the point where the issue isn’t the weed smoking itself, it’s me making it an issue. 

I don’t like how he lied but I also realised I can become super angry when he tells me the truth so I know that contributed. However, it’s still not okay to lie. 

With my bpd, I used to let people walk all over me. I was with narcissists in the past and I have never set boundaries so this was the first time I did and he lied.

I understand asking strangers on the internet sometimes isn’t a good idea because you do not know my relationship with my boyfriend at all but I do need help. We are very compatible and I love him so much. This is my first healthy relationship. I just need help with controlling my anger and becoming less anxious when he is out with his friends. At the end of the day, I cannot control him but I feel like it has come to that point. 

I don’t like the idea of him smoking and I’m honestly scared that he’s still lying to me as he keeps saying he isn’t smoking anymore. But does it really matter if he is smoking or not? 

Please be kind in the comments. Like I said, he is an amazing boyfriend who is incredibly patient with me and has spent a lot of time researching bpd and learning how to respond to certain behaviours. We love each other a lot.