im done having at least one or two mental breakdowns a day. when i was younger i would talk about my problems to my friends, but they just couldnt bear my mentality and left. all of this made me feel even worse. i stopped talking about my emotions, problems, im just scared of letting my emotions out. im scared that people will leave because they will see the real me.   
theres that one friend that i care about but i feel like were really distant, even though we know each other for years. i usually dont talk about my problems to her, i explained that before. ive seen her for the first time in august, and she really wanted to visit me in my house because she lives 860 kms away. and? im fucking ashamed of my house. my friend from the psych ward who also was borderline visited me last july and even though we had good time together, my dad ruined it.  hes an alcoholic and hes really abusive towards my mom and me. he was really rude towards my friend and she felt like a burden. i cried in front of her because my dad shouted at me in the public and it was pathetic.   
conclusion?  
i dont want my internet friend to come over. shes rich, and has a good family. my house is ugly, my dad never cleans the house, and my mom is overworked. my friend doesnt understand why i dont want her to come over, and shes thinking im overreacting because i just didnt explain the whole situation to her. im scared. i dont want her to leave because of my fucking dad and myself. i just told her that my family is having really hard times right now and i cant invite her. she didnt seem to understand at all, but she agreed.   
i feel guilty, because were coming over to her grandparents house for the second time. they didnt really seem happy with it. i felt like a burden, i felt shitty, and i was supposed to be happy for seeing my internet friend for the first time. things never work out in my life. when im supposed to feel happy, its always ruined by something. when i was supposed to be happy when we met, i felt ugly, i felt emberrassed by my body appearance, i felt anxious. i wanted to run away, because i felt insecure. and you know whats the worst thing? people just can see your insecurity. im a pussy.   
and i feel like shes not really happy with that i couldnt have her in my house. she told me shes ok with it, but i feel like she just keeps this friendship going so i wont be sad. she tells her other friends things that i dont know, and i ask myself, am i not good enough for you? why is it always that i love people more than they love me? im so done with this. im done with giving all of myself to people that dont seem to care. im tired of this shit.  
i wish i could kill myself, but i wont, because my mom would do it too. she said that im the only reason for her to live because im her child and she wouldnt be able to take my dad anger outbursts anymore. she says that im her only support.   
i feel helpless. i wish i just wasnt born. 