I've had a problem with building **intimacy** for **years** now. I've had a problem with cheating. I've had a problem with **obsessing** over my partner.  **Becoming** my partner that I cannot focus on my likes and dislikes. I have **2 failed engagements** and **cheated** on **everyone** I ever been with in some **form**. They're attractive **people** and for the most part **sane**. All **older** than me by about 4-9 years. I **realized** I couldn't keep **hurting** people I **loved** or **claimed** to and I began self-improvement (not a fan of that word). I took time to learn skills by taking leadership courses online, learning Arabic, serious fitness training, trading securities, Biblical studies, competition running, cycling, significantly increasing my income and helping my family etc. I didn't involve myself with a partner for about 1.5 years neither relationally nor romantically.

***More Background but not relevant:***

I reached a point of what others may consider "success". I purchased a rental property and had enough in liquid funds that I do not worry about living expenses as much as I use to. I felt disciplined and in-control but also like something was missing. I have youth, energy, but lack time as I know it will end one day and I will age. I see myself as an observer and don't attract many people socially. I haven't put much effort into (romantic or social) relationships most of them have gravitated towards me. I don't know if it's my stare or my looks but I do know I struggle expressing myself verbally at times. Most of the people I tend to avoid are those that bring aggression or some form of untreated resentment. I can't tolerate a whiner or someone who believes they're better than someone else because of something material or circumstances they had no control over.

***Boom COVID and Quarantine:***

 I realized the world isn't meant for solitude and I craved interaction even if it was meaningless conversation about weather. I met a person online that I felt comfortable with going steady we saw each other casually for about 8 months before I proposed something steady, I told this person about my past and  trust issues. Childhood, etc. I've been in a relationship with this person for about 10 months now and my thoughts are re-surfacing. I find myself of scenarios that play out and then start feeling as if they're true. 

***Adding color:***

I work from home and I go to the gym every day after work. During work I could be focused on a task and once the task is complete my mind doesn't know what my partner is doing and it bothers me when I don't receive constant communication. I don't want to be needy anymore. I find myself thinking of driving to where they live to observe them just to check they're not cheating or something. I find myself thinking of entering their social media pages to read messages etc. 

***My ask:***

What can I do to lessen these thoughts and let go? I tried prayer, I tried meditation, I tried learning hobbies, focusing on myself and being okay with being cheated on. I don't know what else to do as it's becoming a constant pattern in my relationships. So much so that I don't know if I can continue my current relationship without hurting the person without intentions but through my thoughts becoming reactions. 

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tldr; I choose to cheat on people I love and get annoyed with putting up with them after a certain point. I focus on the initial stages a lot but then have trouble with my own likes/dislikes that I start adopting their likes/dislikes and get depressed. I want to stop the cheating and I want to build a normal healthy relationship but I don't know what steps to take. I've been to therapy, yoga, took meditation courses, I'm a Christian, pray A LOT, exercise, etc.