No one should ever have to go through what I have gone through. God— and I know that there are people out there that have it infinitely worse than I have. I'm graduating high school with people that have so much to show for what they’ve worked for. This award, that medal, this scholarship, valedictorian, 4.0, acceptance to Yale, UPenn, Vanderbilt, etc etc. I studied and worked my ass off in high school. I pushed and pushed until I thought I couldn’t make it. Things fell apart, and I fell into survival mode; I just needed to make it through alive. Every day became a struggle. One day I was anxiety-ridden, irritable, mad, self-loathing. The next I was depressed with no motivation to walk from class to class. The day after, I felt nothing. Emptiness. Numbness. Dissociation. I genuinely don’t know how I made it. It’s not that I wanted to kill myself… I just didn’t want to be alive anymore.

I’ve graduated now, and I’m headed off to college in a few weeks. But, I have nothing to show for the past 4 Years I’ve endured. Not much compared to all the other people that were able to keep their head on their shoulders through high school and get into phenomenal colleges. They’re going to make it through— land those internships, graduate top of their class, do well financially for their future families. My future is a question mark. My past is questionable. I don’t feel present either.

Unlike an award or a scholarship, I have nothing to show for what I’ve fought for these past few years. No one knows except me and God. And I don’t know how to feel about that. The product of my success is that I am still standing here… more or less in one piece. I’ve been broken numerous times, but I'm still standing. And you would never know from my resume. 

It breaks my heart that people are going through it right now— it breaks my heart that someone is going through what I have, and God forbid, something worse. I want to help those people with all of my heart. I want them to understand that fighting to survive does not mean that you are weak or a failure. It means that you are strong. If you are going through something like this, I want you to know that I love you deeply, and I feel for you, even though I may not know you. 

You are still enduring, and your body is what you have to show for that.