I have noticed that since the past month or so I feel something like stability. I have few to none "episodes" or those days where I cry for hours and want to die. I don´t always feel stressed and anxious anymore, sometimes I feel content with my life imperfect as it is and that´s a very new feeling to me. To not feel like i need to immediately fix everything because it´s all wrong - fucking great, 10/10 recommend feeling satisfied. It´s been brief to really feel that but I still feel alright and much for content that I used to. I feel like the extreme ups and downs are more mellowed out and more "normal".

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Here is why i think I feel so much better

\- **Medication!** big factor. Have taken the average dose of an antidepressant for about 2 months now. And something for acute panic attacks but I´ve been needing it less and less lately. I think it´s finally working. I think this is the main factor in less intense mood swings.

\- **I finished acting school and it´s been a breath of fresh air to not feel that social pressure.** Most people were really great there but I am still traumatized from my awful high school experience and it´s hard to not constantly check my social status in that environment and get anxious about measuring up.

\- **I finally found some great part time jobs and am somewhat financially independent.** My parents paid all my bills before and I often felt guilty for it. i feel much more free and grown up and like I am allowed to make my own financial decisions now. The jobs are very low stress too as I work from home and as a household helper in 2 families. I feel quite proud and capable. I used to worry being unable to be a proper member of society because most jobs gave me panic attacks about messing up and getting yelled at. 

\- As a result of not being in a school setting anymore I notice some things I did where because I compared myself to everyone at school constantly**. I notice dressing up and always looking perfect with my hair and makeup all done is becoming irrelevant most days. who would i dress up for?** I enjoy it on occasion but in my daily life I don´t feel the need to look perfect as much anymore. No one cares about my hair being messy at times or if I have pimples. 

\- **Also because of less social comparison with "busy braggers". I used to feel the need to do as much as I can until my mental and pyhsical battery was down to 0%.** I realize now this is not healthy and a huge anxiety factor. For the first time I am learning to protect my own time and energy and say no to things.  To keep free space in my calender and to do less than I can in order to keep energy reserves and reduce my stress. this includes socializing. I need and enjoy it but without that comparison factor I realize not as much as I thought. I need balance and time to myself as well. **I don´t have have certain people in my life anymore by proximity and I get to chose who I surround myself with in my private life. I chose people who make me feel like I can be myself instead of ones where I bend over backwards to be liked and accepted by them.**