You know how Bruce Wayne got out of the pit in the Dark Knight trilogy after Bane broke his back and spirit? 
 Well there was a guy who told him a story of hope whom  he shared a cell with 
The guy straightened his back 
Cared for him , believed in him  until he got out of the pit and came back with enough will power to get Gotham back from terrorists 

And I just to have one person in my life be willing to be there for me like that guy was for Bruce 
Like I dont feel that heat, I dont feel loved enough , I dont feel believed in, Yes its up to me and I hear that everyday 
That doesnt really motivate
It only shows me how much alone I am 
Its like someone saying , am here for you but I cant go the distance 

Its cold 
All I see is me pouring and recieving with a holed cup 
My cup never overflows , am always running on Empty
I dont see anyone pouring into my cup and I dont know where the holes are
 
Am going to therapy to figure that out , to understand where my ptsd affects how I receive and perceive  love  
How my bpd makes me long for it and ptsd rejects it 
And then depression just takes away all the lights 
and I search within me and outside for it , I cant find it 

And everyone is busy with their lives , they have their stuff going on thats why its all up to me and thats fair 
The world is a cruel place 
Just the way it is 

I am always there when needed, I always go an extra mile , I understand that in as much as its up to you , my love and affection will give you the strength to conquer

I dont think people in my life fully understand that concept 

People only care when you are dead and that doesnt do me any good now does it
They show up at my funeral and say things about me that I never knew, things that could have given me strength
They cry !
For what?
For me?? Or for them 

I have never really felt loved in my life, that made me have a deep wound , a huge well of doubt and never ending feeling of being inadequate...undeserving of love and thats why am so loving and caring because I know what its like to not feel loved even though there are all these materials and stuff 

When I needed love it wasnt there and its still not there, 
I dont see it 
I dont feel it 

So yes am tired, am tired of trying to prove to myself that am worthy 
Tired of trying to give what I dont have 
Am tired of smiling through the pain , am tired of wanting to fit in 
Of wanting to belong 
And am tired that no one can help me except for a stranger , that I have to pay futi 
And am tired of being alone, part of me thinks that maybe if I had a gf I would feel some sort of love 

And I am mad that am broken , that I didnt get to decide 

And am mad that by sending this message am kind of coercing someone to love me 
Its not supposed to be like that.

If you decide to suddenly be there for me after I tell you my struggles, I cant accept that love because without the wound you wouldn't be here and that makes the difference 
The ultimate love for me is a person being there for me , without having me to ask 
And that right there is rare

Fuck this!