A couple of weeks ago I sent this message to some of my friends "I don't want to be what everyone expects or wants me to be anymore. I'm tired of it...I want to be free to do what I want, to be reckless, have fun, and try to be safe at the same time. And not be criticized for doing what 'I'm not supposed to do.' ". Now I will clarify things and say that when talking to one of them I also clarified that I do understand the importance of being aware that anything I do has more risk than the average person because of my BPD and PTSD. That being said, I am tired of this. 

Why can't I embrace my BPD? Why does it have to be a bad thing? Why do I have to always be focused on skills in some DBT Therapy that ignores me as a person and only focuses on what they consider to be "a life worth living"?

What about what I want? Why can't I embrace that my brain works differently? I want to embrace the ups and downs, but learn to mange it in a healthy way. I don't want my thinking, or me as a person to change.

Don't get me wrong, BPD is hard to live with, and it hurts. But, as extreme as the downs are, my ups can be just as extreme and I appreciate it in a different way with a unique perspective because of what I have been through. I am grateful for that. (I, personally, don't deal with mania)

I attached a link to a song I started listening to after going through something really difficult. I go back to it a lot. Sometimes I feel like this too. 

"Right now, I wanna be not okay."

"Let me just stop fighting."

"I don't want your good advice or reasons why I'm alright."

"You don't know what it's like."

"Don't look at me like that, just like you understand."

I am not saying I don't want to get better, but I do not want it/me to be "cured" in the way my family sometimes think about it. I just don't agree with it. My brain works differently. What is wrong with embracing it and getting healthier with the way I deal with things instead of trying to completely change the way I think and act in every aspect? I like that my emotions are extreme, the downs come with the ups, it's all I've ever known since I can remember.  I knew I had handled things in an unhealthy way, that something was "wrong" or different. But to change the way I think, the way I feel...?

Being broken can be beautiful. We are all broken and beautiful in our own way. Why does me having BPD equate to everything being wrong? I don't want to change who I am.

I don't see myself as being beautifully broken, yet. I don't see the chaos I've experienced in my life as beautiful, yet. But I am beautifully broken, and through the chaos of my life I know something beautiful will come of it. I have a unique experience and perspective, that will let me reach others in a way that some others simply can not.

I am also attaching a link to a photo of Kintsugi Pottery. A friend showed and explained it to me one time and it really is beautiful. **Kintsugi** is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art.

[https://images.app.goo.gl/XnRH2sj8b1udL3XK7](https://images.app.goo.gl/XnRH2sj8b1udL3XK7)