I'm not the worst person I've ever met/known, but I do have a seemingly endless list of regrets. I've lived a priviledged life all of my existence, close to having almost no money at all my dad has been one of the best fathers imaginable, Ive met and become friends with people who to me are the postmark defnition of excellence, as professionals and as people, etc. Ive never had a true reason to ever be mean or hurt anyone emotionally (I mean is there even ever a real reason to do that?). But ever since I can remember, I don't know if it's by choice or naturally occurring at this point, I can't forget the way I've hurt some people emotionally over my life. Sometimes it goes down to things that although "bad", seem to be things most people have done and are able to forgive themselves for over time. I don't seem to have that ability. This may me conciously/unconsciously holding myself accountable, but I don't really know why I do it. I get no relief in understanding my mistakes knowing I won't repeat them if possible. Most people I've talked to (99.9% just in case I forgot one person in my life who has said otherwise) have said that what's done is done and that I should be proud of myself for growing as a person and that I do alot of good now compared to other people. I only started consciously changing my behavioral patterns on regards to treating people better when my dad had a cancer scare 5-6 years ago and gained a deeper appreciation about the importance of life, and the life of others, but I don't seem to care in the sense that I don't feel any of that good is actually good, as I can't discern if I care about helping others or if I'm just trying not to rot for an eternity, the latter being impossible as I dont think it's possible truly to make up for past wrongs (i.e. a 2nd chapter in a book doesn't mean the 1st chapter is just nullified). But yet, for anyone else, I have the same opinions as others. I've seen people do way worse, including physical abuse (not saying its better/worse as its situational, just an generalized added component in this context), and yet when I see them shape themselves into treating the world around them and themselves better, I belive they have, at the very least, started a lath to actual redemption. 

I wish I didn't hate myself to the degree that I basically seek out personal punishment, and don't "allow" myself to feel any corresponding happiness from doing good because the moment I start to feel any from doing good, it just feels like a selfish act as I start to doubt whether I was helping truly to help, or just to redeem myself for past wrongs. Not to mention I can't feel happy in general because any inkling of peace reminds me how unworthy I feel of feeling anything positive at all. I'm also an insomniac who sleeps once every 3-4 days naturally so this aggravates everything as I just have more time to overthink every possible mistake I've ever made. I just wish there was some peace in knowing I'm doing alot to be better moving forward, even if it doesn't change the past. But all it feels like I'm constantly reapplying a pretty coat of paint over a rusted car that never deteriorates completely but forever continues to rust. My core is anything but beautiful, it's a selfish place that doesn't truly accept criticism, and the person I am now just feels like a useless piece of skin that rapidly ages due to the toxic meat underneath. I've made the hell in my head through all of my mistakes, so maybe that's all the person I am now deserves to feel like.

I've come to grips with the intuition I don't have a soul. The only reprieve is knowing the people in my life who have left/i've pushed away are a doing better ever since their direct involvement in my life has ceased. Some of them still speak to me occasionally after my attempts at doing better, and it is soothing, if only temporarily, to know people have been able to recover from any pain I caused them. One of my ex's recently told me how happy she is as she's about to get married, one of my ex-friends recently opened a business and invited me to the opening, and once I graduate from Uni my dad won't have many of the added responsibilities of being a father, especially to someone like me, and will finally be able to focus once again on his career as an artist. Those realities make me happy for them, as I did not/have not valued them as much as I should have (otherwise I would've treated them better) so it's relieving to see them doing great/knowing they're close to doing everything they've ever wanted. But I also cry knowing I delayed those futures, even momentarily, because of having been so insufferably callous.

I'm starting therapy again soon, maybe it'll change some things for the better, I hope. As per support, I'm wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar/in the same fashion (if they feel comfortable sharing). Sorry of that's too general, I would just like to know if the thoughts that I'm truly on this road alone are true or not. 

(Ps. Sorry for the run-on sentences, wanted to type this out as it came to my head as I wanted it to be genuine and not manicured even if accidentally)