After covid hit I got really sick and lost almost everything I valued, it was like all the hard work I put into making my body and life something I could be proud of was just ripped away from me. I was in a lot of pain because my illness had flared up and I got covid which put me in and out of the hospital for a while, my doctors neglected me because I missed one appointment after I had covid which resulted in me having to go into AnE and being put on steroids which made me really depressed and messed my life up a lot. At that point I had a blood clot in my lung and was put on a lot of heavy medication. I messed up my exams and missed resits because I was in hospital and was expected to go back to my work as normal in uni. I had intense brain fog as well from being sick for so long which caused a lot of troubles with my studies and was later put on infusions of more intense medication. While all this happened I had to watch as my appearance degraded over time, I had contracted chronic telogen effluvium and started shedding hair, I lost all my muscle that I worked hard for, my teeth and complexion suffered, I could no longer recognise the person I saw in the mirror anymore. I started ignoring my own reflection. At one point I just tried to sleep and live in my dreams to avoid the pain, but my dreams quickly turned into nightmares that were filled with every aspect of hate I hold for myself. I would wake up from realistic nightmares and just be met with more and more suicidal thoughts. After I got a bit better my doctor just pushed blame on me for missing my appointment and said I looked miserable, my mom agreed and would often make remarks on my appearance. When I started exercising to maybe get my life back on track I just would feel nothing but intense pain, my bones were sore, I felt nauseous, my muscles hurt and I didn't feel any happier. I forget everything because of my brain fog and I stutter a lot, I can't do simple problem solving in my head, all of which my friends make fun of me for. Everyone acts like I'm lazy and could do more but I can't, no matter how hard I push I'm just not strong enough to keep going with this feeling of despair. I feel so alone and my will to live withers as each day goes by, I can't even remember why I used to be so happy. My body and my mind are both weighing me down and I don't know what to do. I just feel so alone and can't make headway with anything. I don't want to talk to anyone about this because I feel like I'll just be gathering pity from people which is the last thing I want. What should I do?