This is mostly just to vent a little. 

My father was recently diagnosed with Covid, and it has been rough. He, like my grandfather before him (and myself I guess), gets into the habit of only looking at things in the worst light, unable to see the other side. This has become more of an issue as of late as I have had to console him when his depression gets bad and he begins to cry, because he feels bad, is worried about his health, and can’t see the future where he is better, and as such my duties as a caretaker during his sickness have increased tenfold. When he gets like this, I start to panic, and in turn it makes my anxiety spike and my depression following worsen. This was never something I expected to happen, and definitely not something I am prepared to deal with.

I am his support system, as well as my grandfathers, my sisters, and my moms. Each has their own issues, and each comes to my for support(not me entirely, but they always come back to me). I don’t want to be their support systems. Why do I have to support them when I myself am not structurally stable (I thought hard about that one). I want to move, but am in a position where i literally cannot for at least another year and a half to a year. 

This may be a bit silly, but I get kind of mad when he cries. I am there for him, to comfort him and help him move past it, but in the back of my mind I’m a little angry. When I get into a dark place and feel like crying, I just have to suck it up and keep moving, but here I am having to do what no one really does for me to someone else.