I know no one will read this, hell, it might be against the rules, and that may be a good thing, but there’s just some stuff I wanted to get off my chest and have no one that it’s appropriate to talk with. It’s nothing really heavy. So I have two things:

1.) Back on Memorial Day weekend, my school had a band trip to DC where we got to play. On one of the days, I was talking with some friends while waiting for the marine band to play, and I don’t know how we got here, but someone said that it’s obvious I’m depressed in some way. Later that day we got back to the hotel, and I confirmed with some other friend. This made me feel like complete shit. It was definitely the worst day out of the three we were there and even screwed up the next day, I just completely hated myself. I’d always thought that I hid my feelings away from my friends, so knowing that I’d made them deal with my shit for so long crushed me. They’ve dealt with all my useless, selfish shit, and I’ve just been playing along for months. I’d never fully realized how much of a selfish, idiot, asshole I was until then. It took away motivation to try and keep hiding it, since I obviously failed already, so now I’m just knowingly being a selfish jerk. Only plus side is it gave me justification for cutting myself that night.

2.) A couple days ago I was playing Minecraft with a friend, and he was introducing me to one of his friends. This was like the second time me and that friend played together. A bit into the game, I had to get up and help with something around the house, so I got up to leave, but I left my headphones on for a bit. I overheard my initial friend asking what she had thought me of. He said something like “What do you think of him? I’ve been trying to introduce him to some people, and if you haven’t noticed, he’s a bit..”, or something like that. She said that she thought I was cool and whatever, and this was all kinda nice to hear. It was nice that I had a friend that was looking out for me like that, and that she didn’t think I was a complete annoying twat, and especially since they’d thought that I’d left already. But my god did it suck to hear that I was so fucking incompetent and closed up that I’m inadvertently making someone play matchmaker friends for me. It really just drove in the thoughts of wondering why the hell my friends are friends with me and all that stuff.  It did also reinforce the fact that she probably already saw that I’m a “depressed” fuck.

Well, that’s about it for now. Sorry for rambling and wasting anyone who reads this’s time. Thank you