my last months were pretty suicidal and depressed. but since some weeks i'm "happy" again and feel my life "okay".

i enjoyed this happy shit for ~2weeks and idk what happened but i started feel myself bad, i started hate myself for being happy and for trying to get a better life.

i feel that people tired of me and honestly i can't tell anymore that it's real or it's just in my mind. i feel that my happiness makes my friends feel bad (hard to explain why). i feel that i'm not comfortable, i feel im in danger, i want to cut myself or destruct myself somehow to feel myself "home" again because this new, unfriendly feeling is fucking scares me. but honestly i don't even want to think about suicide plans 0-24 again.. wtf should i do??? 

if i'm happy i'm scared and want it to stop because it's too much, too much from me. but when i'm sad then my life is just nothing. i mean everything is nothing.

can i have a third option please