been having suicidal thoughts more frequently these days. I’ve always had ideation since i was in high school, but only this year has it started becoming more of a “real” option. Like these past few months, I don’t see myself three years from now.

For 5-6 years now I’ve been working as a project-based researcher. No security, it all depends on whether there’s a next project. I didn’t mind if because there was a fairly steady influx of them, and I liked my field. I liked doing the research I did. But now my company is discontinuing operations for the foreseeable future by the end of this year. There’s no other company I know that offers the same salary and academic freedom, so I’ve been having a LOT of anxious thoughts since I heard the news. I’ve worked in other places but this was the only one that really made me NOT miserable. Not really because of the company culture (wc was fine) but because I worked on something I was genuinely proud of. But that’s going to disappear. Idk where else to go because the field is pretty niche in my country.

Also learned my mom has a lump in her chest. My dad died 2 years ago from a 6-month futile fight with stage 4 lung cancer and now it might happen all over again. Literally what is the point of anything? We go through so many hoops trying to make a living to survive or to be content, and we just all die anyway. Think of all the people who have lived in 17th 18th centuries that no one remembers, they just lived for a while then died, that’s it. As much as we like to believe we’re all special and we each make a difference in the world, the reality is that we don’t. Only 10-15% of people ever really do something of consequence, big or small.

I have no partner, no social life, no financial security or life insurance. I am quite literally doing nothing of consequence,   To society or even my own bubble of people, no one depends on me (my brother is the big earner since our dad died) and now I don’t even know if I have a future, so what is the point of keeping on going?