I (24)F can't really turn to my partner/fiancee (26)m and talk about how down I'm feeling. This weekend marks the 3 year anniversary to me witnessing my father's suicide on my birthday, I know most people would be excited for this birthday, but mine is just a reminder of the most traumatic day of my life, and when I get thoughts of "I wish he pulled the trigger on me like he had planned"  or that I wish I had the balls my dad did to just give up, or what ever. And he gets angry at me and yells at me to "shut up, and stop talking like this", I understand it's not something you want to hear from your partner, but he doesn't try to comfort my hurt or bring me back down like most people would do, I have been in therapy for this, it's just worse around this time of year. 

I just feel truly alone, like I don't have any one outside of my therapist to turn to about this stuff. I feel like recently things are just falling apart for me, and I can't turn to him, the person who claims they wanna spend their life with me, who can I turn to? What do I do? I just need support or some one to listen to me when I feel this way. With out immediately yelling at me for feeling this way. He claims he understands and he feels like "un-aliving" himself too, but if I were to react to him saying these things the way he did, it would be completely unacceptable. 

I honestly don't know what I'm expecting to get back about this post, except maybe for feel better about getting this all off my chest, but right now I'm not okay, and idk how to tell him without him getting upset.