There's this guy I talked to and hung out with a few years ago.  The connection was real and there back then, but for reasons I told him I chose someone else.  

We reconnected through a mutual friend who took us to a concert together.  The connection and feelings were more intense now than I've ever felt.  We touched and my body went crazy.  The butterflies, chills and goosebumps along with this feeling of blissful security.   The feelings scared me cause I was fresh out of a 2 year abusive relationship. But I gave into what I felt and explored the feelings.  

We slept together for the first time that night.  It was the most excellent sexual experience. We connected and fed off of each other's passion.  We've spent every day together since this almost 2 months ago. 

Our relationship has been tested many times. One was me having to tell him that my ex was exploiting me with a photo that was taken a few weeks before we hooked up.  The hard part was admitting to him that I slept with 2 of his childhood friends and had a photo of it floating around.  I cried so hard when I knew he had to hear it from  me.  I was so afraid of him abandoning me. Even though being honest was hard, it was right. He accepted my past like a gentleman.  

Then, my abusive ex would messages some hurtful stuff about me and my flaws as a person.  Again,  I came clean about my struggle with Bpd and bipolar and PTSD.  I told him all the symptoms that my ex couldn't deal with and used against me.  He again accepted me in my broken state and raised me out of a dark place.  

The next test, was when my ex contacted us to say he cheated on me with my ex bestfriend who has herpes.   I promptly went to the doctor for a blood test because my ex told the few people I rebounded with that I was dirty.  Sores had come up that week too, so I was on edge that it was true.  My boyfriend again accepted me and said we would face it together.   Turns out my ex was lying and I was clean! 

All of this love and support is foriegn to me.  As in the past I've always been attacked for being sexually active and having mental illness.  Now,  I am open and honest with who I am. Normally,  I'll hide my symptoms and sugar coat my antics.  I think this is self harm because it's like putting on a mask or pretending to be someone you're not.  So to be able to be open with who I am, I have found a new love for myself in the acceptance.   

Being accepted has boosted my self esteem.  I feel that being honest for once is the best thing I can do in order to heal.  The support I have received from this man has changed me so much.  I was in a bad way when we met, because my ex is vicious.  My exs hurtful insults to me are out of my mind now.  They have been replaced by this wonderful creature showing me love. 

This has me wondering thing about our relationship.   Is this healthy? Should we be so in love so quickly? We are in sync and on the same page with each other about nearly everything.   He will say things I have either felt or said myself.  The signs all point to true love. It feels meant to be. I've never experienced this feeling before.  When I look at my boyfriend my entire body is electrified.  I feel his impact on me with every inch of my being.  

I was expressing how wonderful I think he is and I started crying crocodile tears of happiness.  He looked at me and I just apologized and said it's the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.  The thought of his love has made me cry.  It takes a lot to move me to tears. I used to cry all the time, but I found it better to cut off the tears. Usually I'm so empty that nothing effects me. But the way I love and trust him makes me cry. 

Trusting him and feeling secure with him comes naturally.  I have no desire to look through his phone.  He has stopped my symptoms from showing up yet. I trust him. 

We have been put in a position to where we can get a house with a mutual long time friend.  We found a perfect place and put in a bid on it.   This is a huge step! But my heart says do it!  Everything seems aligned and perfect.  I'm not afraid, I'm excited to start this chapter of our lives together.  

I've been trying to put logic to my emotions.  Thinking about possible outcomes and making a game plan to continue to work every day to make this dream come true.   My anxiety is that this is unhealthy for me and I'm mistaken for feeling like it's the right thing to do.   I'm so confident that this is the love of my life. I'm ready to jump in. But with bpd I attach to people too quickly.  So what if this is just that?