I don’t have anybody at the moment and i don’t know what i’m doing or if what i’m doing is right.

Me and my brother were both raised by our narcissistic abusive mother. I’m 20 didn’t tell anybody until last week that i had memories of her doing sexual acts to me when i was maybe around 4. 

Anyways the police were already involved 4 years ago along with social services and we told them everything but both agreed not to press charges. A lots been happening and i had told my stepmother what happened and she convinced me to get the police involved again so i did but not i regret it.
Now most of that family know including my brother and i feel so disgusting, i don’t even want to talk about it or be seen in that way. I just feel so icky and embarrassed and like that’s all people are going to see when they look at me and I regret telling anyone and told them i’m going to tell the police i changed my mind. I already told one police officer and told i’m going to have to explain it again.
The sexual stuff didn’t even effect me, it was only once or twice and i didn’t even know what it was and just even thought it was just something weird up until i was 16.