I’m 19 with IBD, acid reflex, anxiety, possible OCD, and possible exposure to something unhealthy. Since the pandemic started I was worried about getting covid which hindered my social life and school work. Then, upon hearing the death of Chadwick Boseman I worried about cancer, actually before then, I watched an anime where it seemed like nearly everyone was getting cancer. Then, my skin was irritated by bleach and I convinced my self that cancer was coming. 

Then, after I touched something on the ceiling with a pole and it came down I was convinced that I fucked up and sentenced my self to cancer at least 10 years from now. I was reassured my numerous people that the substance I got is not what I thought it was., but I’m convinced now that I have 10 or 40 years to live. Even if their right and I have nothing to worry about, I can’t help but be terrified that I’ve indirectly harmed someone by making this mistake.

Things like this make me question why I was born if all I seem to do is make people/myself suffer. Even though I don’t feel like I failed it’s not as if I succeeded.

There are time I think I’d be better off dead. Yet, I don’t have the courage to turn these thoughts into action. 

I need an answer for this question: How can I accept my death ?