Bit of background: I'm going through the process of reaching some kind of diagnosis/help at the moment and the psych suggested BPD as a possibility, which came as a surprise to me, but checking out this thread has had me feelin some seriously relatable feels that are honestly pretty uncomfortable to admit.

Anyway I'm mostly here just to talk about something I have struggled with for a very long time, and like most of you can probs relate to, it revolves around relationships. I guess I'm just seeking comfort in y'all and some hope that I will be able to have some kind of normalcy and clarity one day?

Relationships have always seemed to have been very difficult for me. Things are always so fucking confusing, because whilst I know I become so dependent on people for getting by and feeling validated etc, I just can't stand it when people are too emotionally invested in me? I feel like people are clingy so easily and it makes me feel kinda grossed out and uncomfortable, but at the same time, if they don't pay me attention and like/love me, I feel worthless, so isolated, unloved, alone. 
And I don't help myself AT ALL! Because I love physically being alone, I constantly isolate myself from contact with others and often for what seems like no reason, me time is pretty much the best time, but I also frequently crave interaction with people so badly, and I also constantly feel lonely and ignored. But this wouldn't be the case if I just let people in. I'm simultaneously so fucking aloof, by what I can't tell is choice or not, whilst also craving deep connections with others and feeling resentment towards people I see who have such great close friends and lovers who they just live life with and spend time with and are able to love so freely.

I don't know if any of that makes sense, it always feels like everything I say is not good enough of an expression of what's in my head, I feel it seems convoluted because it's all just so confusing and nonsensical to me.

I just want to be able to be loved by others and feel comfortable with it and I want to be able to love others back, but I don't feel like I can. My feelings are SO fleeting and I get bored of people SO quick, but all I want is to have people I can be close to and spend time with and not feel any of this discomfort and need to distance myself. I want to be able to relate to others, be loved, love back. I can do it fine with animals, humans just feel impossible and its been this way since I can remember and I'm scared I'm going to be like this forever, which I can't stand the thought of. I just can't carry on if things will always be this way. Is there any hope? Thanks for reading if you got this far.