I either randomly start crying for hours with such a  fucking intensity or feel like I don't feel shit for anyone else or care too fucking much for everyone in ways i know no one would feel back for me.

 I start losing weight cause I sleep as much as I can cause it's better than being awake, or just think about eating constantly and gaining weight wich makes me feel worst. 
Most little ordinary  things I can't do cause I use all of my energy pretending to be normal, to be a functional  human ,dying seems like a comforting idea that gets me by and I constantly  get sick cause my body Is  somatizing all I don't say, I don't understand  how I can care so little about existing yet not be able to enter a place cause I get anxiety or even talk to someone without feeling judged or like they know I'm empty inside. 

I feel so much more and then if I feel like I want to ask for help it's like my brain tells me that's not happening to you there's nothing to ask help for I feel like I don't ever fully end up either dying  or living and I can carry with this for much longer