I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar by more than one psych no one has ever really explained any of it but I’d like to write out my experiences 

I’ve struggled with a lot ever since I was little from internal and external events and sometimes I feel ok but then I can’t seem to feel time days weeks and months run together and everything is a sloppy mess constantly I can’t seem to focus even when I’m trying to put my full attention into something I can’t hear anything anyone says to me  I can’t hear keys rattle outside doors and foot steps approaching and I can tell who’s coming up the stairs before I even see them based on the sounds their body makes but I can’t make out their words 

When I get into depressive fits i cant distract myself anymore it’s all I think about all the time I start seeing myself hurting myself everytime I close my eyes I dream about how it feels to tear into my own skin or peel it back or I dream about completely ending it  

Sometimes I’ll go weeks without looking in the mirror sometimes months and when I finally do I don’t know who I’m looking at  my face starts to morph my body starts to change the longer I look and it won’t stop it feels like my skin isn’t mine and it never has been and I can’t breath until I break into it and see that I am in fact real 

I get really irrational at times I can’t talk about it with anyone because they all think I’m crazy or they don’t know what to say or do my dad keeps saying I’m not bipolar I’m just adhd and traumatized but I’m not adhd I’ve never showed any signs of adhd he keeps invalidating my diagnosis and saying that it’s all just big pharma coming for my money to drug me up but without my medication I have psychotic fits where I black out and hurt myself or I see grotesque creatures sitting in my back seat or jumping in front of my car or walking next to me they’re always there I can’t hear my loved ones talking to me but they say things that my loved ones would never say 

I’ve been in in patient treatment four times I’ve done out patient treatment and therapy but it always feels like they aren’t listening I’m constantly feeling like I’m drowning in my own words and nobody seems to care

Im just not sure what to do