The disappointing feeling when you text your SO and their response is an hour late. 

You try to remain calm but your heart starts beating when you think "**Oh god, he's fucking that girl from his gym. Fucking Christ why couldn't he just be honest with me!**". 

You call your SO and hearing their voice makes you feel better. They sound calm, not like they just got finished pulling up their pants. 

But... wait... the paranoia sets in... Their voice is a little too calm... almost... bored... Stoic. 

"Uh.. baby... what's wrong with your voice? What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong."

"Oh.. then why aren't you sounding how you usually sound?"

"*Nothing* is wrong."

Your SO doesn't love you anymore. Everything they reaffirmed two days ago is flushed down the toilet. All the forgiveness and support they showed you, they completely forgot it. They have slowly fallen out of love with you and are getting bored of stringing you on.

You get frustrated. You panic. You cry. Pull your hair. Bite your lip. Contemplate hurting yourself (but swiftly back down because you promised no more cutting). You're screaming on the inside. 

Your soft sniffles carry over the phone line into their ears. They ask "What's wrong?" Oh my god. They don't even sound like they really want to fucking know. ***He sounds like he's just asking me so I can stop. This is the millionth time he's heard me cry. He's tired of it.***

"Nothing". Quickest response so that either he'll keep asking or give up. 

He gives up. He fails the test. He stopped asking and has moved on so that means he simply doesn't care about your sadness. 

You're hurt. The angry grows. He's a fucking asshole. He doesn't give a shit about you. What's the point of you even fucking talking to him??

"I'll talk to you later." You spew through tight lips. He doesn't pick up on it (or he has and again, doesn't care).

"Why?" He asks, this time sounding genuinely confused. 

"Because (insert bullshit reason). Bye." Before he says anything, you hang up. Wait by phone for his call. 

Hours go by. You start to get sad again. Fuck... maybe I was too harsh on him? Maybe he's tired? Bored? Maybe he just doesn't feel like talking much. 

***NONSENSE!!*** Your inner anger booms. ***I waited all day to fucking talk to him and he's treating me like shit. Fuck him. We'll see if I call him back.***

An hour later, you calm down. Feel lonely. Feel sad. Nobody loves you. You'll die alone, you sad sick fuck. But that doesn't make you any less angry at your SO. Why the fuck hasn't he messaged me or called to check on my wellbeing?!?! You send him a snarky or rude text. 

&gt; You (11:31pm) : Thanks a lot, asshole. Sure was great talking to you. Have a good night.

&gt; SO (11:34pm) : ????

&gt;You (11:37pm) : Fucking forget it. Fuck you.

Six missed calls. You ignore them with tears in your eyes. You're still a sad sick fuck and now you're basically rejecting exactly what you wanted. You wanted your SO to panic and call you. You wanted them to show you some fucking emotion by calling you and begging you to tell them what's wrong. But you ignored those calls because once you tell them what's wrong, they'll dismiss it or call you crazy. 

"I don't hate you. I still love you. I just don't have much to say. I'm bored." ***That means you don't love me anymore, asshole.*** It's all excuses to you. But when you say that to them, you beg your SO to believe you and that you really don't have anything to say.

You're a hypocrite

and this constant

cycle 

is pushing them away. Pushing them 

towards the truth:

they will fall out of love with you if you can't control your emotions.
