Greeting. Just recently I discovered I have bpd. I had a shitty childhood. My parents treated me like a was a burden to them.  My parents are drug addicts and drunk.  My father has an evil temper.  I remember being younger and forced to go riding around with them and their friend as they were all riding around getting high while I was stuck in the third row set in a station wagon. My parents would have to come home get high and drunk before the would even talk to us kids. Every event we had to plan out when their buzz would end.

From 3rd grade up I was bullied and tormented in school. To the point I hated school and ended up taking an extra year. 

My adulthood wasn't much better. Had a kid young. Got married mostly because the kid. She got pregnant again and we only were together for 50 weeks of our marriage before everything went bad and we separated. 

Since then I have mostly been alone.  Have my kids most weekends.  A very small group of friends. Relationships have not been my strong suit. I either love too much and become overbearing and secure or I don't give a shit and in it just for sex. I have a problem with being alone deeply desire for the closeness having somebody to talk to if someway that kind of understands me but only with the right person. I have tried OD on over the counter medication I have put cigarettes out on my own skin I've cut myself I have done pretty much everything you can think of because relationships don't go my way. I have used liquor as a crutch.  Drinking the pain away.

I have tried therapy in the past the first time was when I was trying to get back together with my wife I went to couples therapy first time by myself just to meet with therapist ended up paying for three sessions first ones for me the second one was for her and the third one was supposed to be for us together. The therapist met with with me. Met with my wife and then didn't see us for the last session would not refund my money and called the police on me saying I was suicidal and a whole bunch of other stuff so at this point I have no faith in therapist. Since then I have tried to other therapist. Both just listened to my problems and gave no answers directions anything on what I should do.

So currently I have this girl that ive wanted to be with for 20 years. We have been great friends forever.  She was the first one slept with after my wife.  I poured my heart out to her but she planned on marrying someone else.  A few years later we reconnected.  Sparks flew, ECT. We where pretty close then she ran into some issues and ended up moving and then I really didn't hear from her for a few years. Last spring she contacted me and told me about being pregnant and had issues with the baby daddy.  We hung out a few times and was ghosted.  About a month ago I was at work and got a notification on Snapchat that she was online.  We talked and within that weekend we where hanging out again.  She keeps telling me that once feelings get involved she get scared and runs.  So I've been trying to walk the line so to speak.  Right now everything has been on the down low. Her baby daddy hacked her phone and found out.  He's been making threats the past few days to her, her friends, and myself.  So right now that has her distracted.  I really don't want to lose contact with her again so I have been suffing in my head second guessing myself.  

I do have a tendency of rage.  My co workers have named that side of me flip.  I have been known to spaz out over the smallest shit.  At all times I am in my head putting myself down.  Everytime I screw up in call myself Dumbass.  



Sorry if this is not formatted correctly. First time posting in the subreddit