It's clear to me now. Before now I was making excuses for his behavior.  Before now, I would blame myself for every little thing that went wrong.

I used to be the abusive one. I went to therapy and got better, and am now addressing my BPD And now he is turning the tables on me by being overtly abusive. He can't stand to see me get better. He needs me to be abusive because without me playing that role, he doesn't know who he is.

I used to split on this. I used to think that there could only be one abuser and one victim, and that relationship was perennial. I went to DBT therapy and realized that it was not true. You can be both, even at the same time. 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how manipulative he was and I was. He really needed someone to love him. He was ready to be anyone for someone who would love him. It was too good to be true. 

I remember saying absentmindedly a few days after we first met: "Maybe this is a mistake." He immediately said: "Don't say that."

I will say this. His love was absolute, it was selfless and selfish at the same time. This was a duality I did not understand until I became the same way. Selfless and selfish. My love was also absolute.

At times, his hate was absolute. At times mine was too. I cannot bring myself to hate anymore. He is hating for the both of us now.

I still love him. If he asked me for help, I would still help him. He means a lot to me. I care about him. Maybe it will be okay one day when we both get better.