Little remimder: I‘m new on reddit. I Hope such stories are a thing in reddit. Idk 



I've always been a happy child I've been open and never been shy.  When it started in puberty, it happened in just a few months. If I felt bad, more and more fears and worries came into my head. I think it all came about through my best friend when I met my soul mate (I know this sounds very cheesy, but there was and never will be a person I will love more than her). She also has to struggle with very severe psychological problems.  And that bothered me very much psychologically.  In addition, I always had to compete with her best friend for her attention, which was almost morbid for me, since of course I wanted to be her best friend unchallenged.  That dragged on until at some point I had lost all will to even get one foot out of my bed.  I was just a corpse, it wasn't even a feeling of “numbness”, it is very difficult to describe, it is a simple vegetation, like a withering flower, you just pause without thinking, with the strong inner feeling just slowly wither. Then however the time came when I really had something with a girl for the first time, I thought it would be better, but there was one night (day X) when we were together in a club with our friends.  I had a good time and she was supposed to stay with me but on the way home she lied to me and said she was in pain (I don't know exactly what, but it doesn't matter) and had to sleep with her friend, I noticed she was lying to me. But I didn't want to say anything about it because if she lies to me about not wanting to stay with me then that's the way it is.  But because of my anxiety disorder and obsessive thoughts, I bulged something in my head again.  I then wrote her best friend what's going on, why she lied to me.  she just replied "not to discuss this now" and to meet her tomorrow to talk about it.  It was about 3-4 o'clock at night.  Not only was I struggling so incredibly with myself, the thought occurred to me that she would be mentally very bad and I went completely crazy.  The consideration now not only to bring myself to life every day that my beloved best friend is doing badly.  What has been so tough on me mentally.  That now my "girlfriend" has such problems too.  The only thought that occurred to me was
 that I can't do it anymore.  I collapsed on the floor of my bathroom, although tears ran at the beginning and I cried so incredibly badly, but after 10-15 minutes I was just completely stiff.  No movement.  The drool ran out of my mouth.  I couldn't move, couldn't think.  That wasn't this "normal" existence.  When you don't feel anything and have no emotions.  It was much more a black hole, which really devoured everyone who remained, the few sparks of hope and will for life and never seemed to come back.  My now empty case took a pair of scissors out of the drawer, the only sharp thing I found in the closet.  I tried to cut open my artery without emotion.  Once, twice, three times.  The third time the brief thought came up, shot in my head "I really want to kill myself now".  As if the sentence had triggered me even more, I tried one last fourth time with all my might to cut open my wrists.  However, the attempts were unsuccessful, the scissors were too blunt.  As a small note, a week before my mother saw that I was scratching my thigh again.  Which is why she took the razor blades out of the drawer and threw them away.  Who knows what would have happened to me otherwise.  I think after that I went to sleep in bed.  A week later I almost had myself instructed.  I had the courage to talk to my mother about my mental health problems.  However, she first suggested a psychiatrist.  At first I was happy because I thought depression and anxiety disorders are the most common mental illnesses in Germany (It‘s where I live).  I'll get well soon.  And now 3 years later I still feel like I'm not even halfway through.  I guess I have to accept the thought of maybe not getting completely "healthy" again my whole life.
 Still, I'm glad to have to deal with it somewhere.  I feel like I'm growing beyond myself.  Learn a lot about myself and slowly understand myself better.  I also think that I wouldn't be so nice to change without that.  Since I know that many little things can hurt you very quickly.  I just try to take a step forward every day.  So that at some point I can simply live my life without hesitation.
 I don't think anyone has read this far, but if you did
 Thank you
 And besides.  I'm now with my best friends.  Been over 2 years.  The day we got together was the most beautiful I have been able to experience so far