Trigger Warning: Mention of Self Harm/Scars (not in detail at all)

I don't know why I do it - I either push people away until they delete me, or I ignore them long enough so that they stop messaging me so that I delete them when they forget about me. 

I'm not so afraid of abandonment at the moment - I have a perfect boyfriend, who for some reason makes me feel "safe" - I mean, of course I'm a little afraid - but it's bearable. 

So why am I pushing... ignoring... deleting... I think it's because I'm content with my boyfriend - I'm getting all my social needs from him (and my therapist for the deeper/darker stuff). So... why do I want anyone else? Another reason is I'm slightly paranoid that these people who don't know me are judging me (I **was** extremely studious and headstrong, but now I'm jobless, study-less, doing nothing with my life). I've also gained weight, scars and ugliness - which is something I want to hide from most of the world... IDK.

**Really though.** The reason is that because I feel like I have NO friends right now (it's pretty much my boyfriend, and myself) that I want to validate the loneliness - I want to see the loneliness as a number on facebook, skype, steam, battlenet, rather than just feel it on the inside. I want this loneliness to be justified. To be visible to everyone. And hey... I guess this is better than cutting myself to make the loneliness and pain visible... just still not healthy... and numbers aren't as satisfying as scars... sigh...