Hi. Bit of a vent post, I'm sorry. 

I really don't know what to do. My mood has been so low for what feels like ages now (probably only around 10 months) and it just doesn't seem to get better. I used to live alone but moved back with my family recently because I couldn't cope alone. But being alone had its benefits, if I felt low I didn't have to hide it. Now I feel like I have to mask all my symptoms just because it's not socially acceptable to present symptoms, or it would upset/worry my family, and it's so exhausting.

I literally feel as though it's eating me alive. Holding everything in just feels like it's building up to a massive explosion. Everything I do I feel like I'm watching myself like watching a child, monitoring, making sure I don't show any signs of weakness or depression. It's got the point where everything I do I feel like I'm about to explode.

I can't hold a cup of tea without the overwhelming urge to smash it against a wall. I can't talk to my parents without feeling like I have to yell, or physically fight someone. I can't go into the kitchen without the urge to get a knife and just end it all. I constantly feel like I'm on the brink of a massive explosion where I could potentially even kill someone, if not myself.

Of course, I don't do these things. But it's getting increasingly harder to stop myself from doing them. I am genuinely afraid of what is going to happen. But I try and talk about it and all I hear is "it's normal to have impulses, just control them" or "you don't have to mask how you feel, show it" but "showing it" feels like causing actual harm to people I care about.

I'm so worried I thought about checking myself into an inpatient ward but when I tried to explain this to my family and my team they just said it wasn't the best place for me and that as long as I can keep myself safe I should be better at home. It's a temporary fix apparently.

But I don't feel like I can keep myself safe, but I'm too afraid to tell someone. I have access to ways to end my life but telling someone about them and having that option taken away makes me feel like I'd actually start behaving recklessly instead of just feeling the urges. 

How do I tell someone I genuinely don't believe I can keep myself safe much longer? I just feel like nobody believes me when I'm trying to explain what's going on.

Do I keep holding it in, do I actually lash out, do I check myself in to the inpatient facility? I don't know what to do anymore, there's not much longer I can keep going pretending everything is fine.

Sorry for the super long post, I just wonder if anyone has any similar experiences or at least can relate to something I've said?