TW: mentions of abuse, suicidal ideation, termination of pregnancy.

I remember how much younger me was abused physically and sexually for almost two decades. The fact that little me had to witness that kind of abuse towards her makes me SO fucking angry at the world, at my incredibly abusive family, and the narcissistic friends and exes I survived. 
My narc ex of the last two years activated my PTSD through severe emotional and sexual assault, and an abortion I had to pay about $1350 by myself when i barely got out of my teens (person of color, living in Asia). I'm asexual due to trauma, and cannot touch myself sexually without completely freaking out.

My therapist brought to my notice how I grew up completely avoiding my emotions and punched down my inner child every fucking day just like how my family did. It freaked me out because, even though I was brought to the world without my consent, I survived. And I _was_ proud of it. 

After I began acknowledging just a smidge of how hurt my inner child was, I immediately became actively suicidal. This was barely weeks ago. I'm coping. I hate EVERYONE. Occasionally I depend on my FP. From the outside I look like I function really well. In reality I LOATHE how my job makes me feel, and how damaged I am because of my quiet BPD, my c-PTSD, my ADHD, and my previously undiagnosed masked depression. 

Just saying all this makes my imposter syndrome shoot up, because how did I pull things off, making people think I wasn't ill enough to die and I'm this "strong survivor". 
Fuck no. I'm fucking gasping for air. And I won't tell anyone because I hate burdening people, plus this hyper independence bs won't let me. 
I feel fucking crazy every day. If someone else calls me crazy, I feel like I'm fucking dying - my mom makes sure she calls me crazy every fucking day.

Here's the thing though. None of the above makes me any less worth loving. And the love I crave most is mine.

If there's one thing, simply one fucking thing that has me a little.. relieved despite being on suicide watch, is that every day I think about 6 year old me growing up to become this.. queer feminist absolute fucking sunshine who my friends can blindly rely on. The good parts of me are what she fiercely dreamt of growing up into. Do I have bad days? All the fucking time. Does it hurt? So fucking bad I just want the pain to be gone.

All this while, my inner child had taken the reigns and survived all of this bullshit. I'll be damned if I let that child die along with me. I will take care of her. I'll protect her the way she protected me, and I will hold her close for as long as I live. I had to let one child go, and it almost killed me. 

This little girl will feel safe and nurtured in every waking moment. Taking care of people is my love language, and I come first. I've been a silent lurker of this community for the last few months, and I cannot express how much I've learnt and understood. Typing this out felt nice.