So long story short I was with this guy for about a year and a half during senior year of high school and a bit into the summer afterwards.The relationship was fine for most of it, he was a caring guy and took an interest in trying to support my BPD behaviour. We both got into doing hard drugs and from there he said he started to notice me spiralling.

(I before this had self harmed, attempted suicide and used less intense drugs. )

Anyways fast forward towards the end of our relationship I started seeing that I did not really love him like a boyfriend and more as a friend, but being who I am I did not confront this but continued to stay with him. This lead to me cheating on him on numerous occasions. He did not find out until the day after we broke up. Keep in mind, I was not emotionally abusive but maybe a bit empty and not always the best company, but mostly a nice girlfriend. He was furious, completely changed character and was threatening to hurt me etc. For months after he blamed me for his downfall in mental health to which I tried to assist given it was my fault, right? I should have ended contact but I chose to stick around and try to help even though he made it very clear he hated me.

We speak for a bit, or more like me comforting him. And eventually I say this is the last time we are meeting and we had a nice goodbye and parted ways officially, even if things didn't feel completely over emotionally for us both.

Anyways, two years after our break up we haven't spoken much, I know he still hates me and still has me blocked on everything else. I am now dating this wonderful guy I met at college after I moved states. Things are good and I am better in relationships than I was when I was younger but- I still don't have this sense of closure for some reason. I am having dreams about my ex, usually ones where I'm looking for him at a party or trying to apologise to him. Some dreams I'm speaking to his mother wanting to apologise for what I did to her son . I have this constant urgency to speak to him. I don't know what I can or would say and I know he will never want to speak to me again.

What can I do to close this chapter of my life? Speaking to him is not an option.