*this post is all over the place I’m sorry and I don’t mean to sound like I’m playing the victim in this post.*
I’ve never posted on here before but I need to vent. So like the title says im 21(M), living at home, jobless, and just so depressed. I never leave the house anymore and that’s been a gradual process since 2017 when I started online school (I did my last two years of hs and graduated from online school.) I have ambitions but they disappear more and more everyday. I’m diagnosed with borderline (I do think im also undiagnosed bipolar but maybe not,) major depressive disorder, ocd, anxiety, and adhd. I’ve also struggled with learning issues from day one, but I haven’t been rediagnosed with learning disabilities since I was young even though I’ve been trying to for a while, but it’s harder as an adult and very costly. I do have an online business and also I want to do comedy (and I post comedy content as well) but with my depression and adhd I can be soooo hot and cold with my business. My business is a weird mix of different things and I do a lot of content and actually content wise I’ve been really on it the last year (I think that’s one thing the medication is helping with.) otherwise my actual sales are garbage, probably because im not advertising the services enough and also my delivery time is horrible because I always am just spaced out living in a constant daydream. I have actually so many connections in the entertainment realm from offering my services to celebs through their reps and actually last year a legit manager wanted to sign me, but I turned him down because it didn’t feel right in my gut at all. But now I regret just not going with him, Atleast I could maybe get out of my environment. I want to do entertainment but I’m stuck in damn Wisconsin. I live with my parents and my parents are both retired and I overspend as like a manic tendency, and my mom just sent me an email yelling at me (I don’t blame her I feel so gulity and so crappy about spending.) My only issue with the email is it was so passive aggressive and my mom never tells me anything until something gets really bad. my parents are fine with paying my bills as long as I take online classes and work towards productivity, which I am despite me being dumb and never being a school person. I go to bed at like 12pm and wake up at like 9pm almost everyday (mostly because being around my parents makes me so depressed for some reason and also the lack of any change despite the work I put into stuff makes me so sad and hopeless.) I never sleep well anymore ever since I started my first medication 4 years ago. I’ve been on like 80 medications but nothing has worked for me. My ocd is so bad I can’t even go to the bathroom without showering, my ocd started getting really bad 5 years ago and that’s what started this spiral into this misery called my life. And after my allergic reaction to nuts last year that sent me to the hospital it’s been even worse. My parents refuse to stop eating nuts so it makes me feel unsafe, paranoid, &amp; anxious. My parents are sort of toxic and mean, I love my mom a ton but she can be very mean at times and cold. And my dads a lowkey alcoholic with undiagnosed bipolar disorder (runs heavily in his family, all my guy cousins on his side have a ton of mental illnesses including me) Of course I owe my parents the world for them supporting me, but still it sucks to have parents that are cold. Also with my learning issues I never got my license. I actually do have fine motor skills issues and stuff but my parents don’t believe me but I was diagnosed with that as a kid and I still struggle with that hardcore. I’ve never had a boyfriend or even like an actual date before either, like I’ve been out since 2015 it’s embarrassing. I did gain a bit of weight when I started Zoloft in 2020 it wasn’t horrible honestly but my mom would always mock my weight and now I focus on my weight a ton and I never was like that. I excerise now and dropped like 10 pounds but I’m still gross (I excerise 6 days a week minus tonight because I got too upset to work out.) working out also makes me so angry and it’s like a trigger for me. I feel like everyone probably thinks I’m entitled but really I want to be independent and live on my own, I have so much ambition, but I lack the drive and joy I used to have. And everyday of living like this kills me on the inside, like it’s killed my spirit. I feel like I’ve become a cold mean person too from being around my parents for too long and picking up their personality. I have so many people supporting me when it comes to my business but I have no friends really, I drive everyone away with my neediness, and I don’t really respond well anymore. Also I’ve always been someone who goes through cycles of friendships quickly. I become friends and overshare super quickly, but the friendship fades away even quicker. Don’t get me wrong I know I’m the issue a lot of the times, and the times I’m not it’s people that use me in a way. I notice I befriend a lot of older women as like mother figures always but they have weird motives towards me always and get very controlling with me. I am very spiritual and am into tarot and not everyone has to believe it personally, but I have a reader who always predicts and gets everything right and just every reader in general I’ve been too has predicated this great life for me, some crazy details but nothing has ever happened. I have to live in a daydream to survive, like legit I can’t be in my environment mentally. Actually I’ve always daydreamed extensively. But yeah to be honest I don’t get why my parents ever had me, they were both old when they had me and EVERYTIME around my birthday they bring up how “my dad drank a ton and my mom cried” when they found out they were pregnant with me, it just sucks, and my other family just laughs and I just feel dead on the inside 🥲. My brother sort of was isolated for alot of his 20s but he meet this older guy (he’s around my moms age) and still lives with him. Anyway, eventually late in his 20s he went back to school and he’s 34 now and close to officially being a teacher. So hope isn’t gone, but I think I’m destined to fail. But then again my brother is actually very intelligent and he has a lot of potential, my potential is being a clown and being self depreciating to pretend I’m apart of the joke when it comes to the joke of my life. My teachers as a kid said it would be a miracle if I graduated highschool, and I proved everyone wrong each step of the way, but I’m so tired of having to prove people wrong. I’m actually really dumb when it comes to school but I’m good at hustling my way through, a skill you learn in special Ed. And then with the ocd, and BPD, and overall mental illness it’s just so hard. I think a part of me died a long time ago and even if things get better I’ll never get that back. I used to see the world in so much color, but everything is grey now, even my dreams are weird and have this dark vibe, like they regular dreams not nightmares mostly but the dreams are sooo depressing and weird. And since last summer I go through bad episodes of depersonalization and also I get paranoid when I’m super stressed. Anyway I hope things can get a tiny bit better this year, I’ve been emailing connections I have asking around for virtual personal assistant work. My mom wants me to get an inrl job but I have social anxiety and the town I live in gives me more anxiety due to how conservative it is, and also I don’t drive and I struggle to follow a schedule like that. Also trying to get on medicade right now since my mom is getting Medicare now so wish me luck with that, I’m so dumb so none of it makes sense to me. Also I really need to cut down on my over spending, but it’s soooo hard. also I never leave my house lol (accept for hair appts because my hair grows hella quick and doctor appointments.) I quit therapy a while ago because was just not finding any therapist helpful. I’m very social and I’m very much in tune with myself and I almost become the therapists therapist when I did therapy (Atleast with my first one whom I saw for years.) my last therapist I just became really mean too and I never was like that. I just didn’t want to hear anything and didn’t want to get up for it, and he didn’t deserve that so I quit. I mean nothing he was saying was helping and his therapy was lip service at best. I am on cymblata rn, SSRI’s don’t work for me(tried like everyone trust me,) and cymblata is okay but it makes me so angry, and my doctor wants me to get on an anti-psychotic too but I’m refusing due to the weight gain and my developing weight issues. I tried a mood stabilizer for a few days last year but my ocd makes me think I’ll have that rare skin syndrome to them so I couldn’t handle it. Anyways thanks for listening to my vent, I know the grammar and structure was a mess, but my minds all over the place and I see no way of me moving out of my parents house ever. If you’re dealing with a similar situation, you aren’t alone, I know it’s a weird situation to go through