I've come a long way. I thought. I used to be extremely open about my mental issues, trauma, why I am the way I am, because I'm so self aware. I was an open book all my life but after someone I love told me they hate me for how negative I am, I flipped a switch and turned my personality around and pretend I'm a confident, bubbly, intelligent, outgoing, extrovert. I thought "fake it till you make it. Pretend you ARE okay. Let everyone believe it until you believe it." And I was believing it, seriously. I thought this is the step to healing, I can't believe that maybe one day I'll be fine. But I notice.. when I'm alone. When I'm in bed. I'm back to who I am. So.. so.. sad. Completely alone. I have no one to lean on. I hurt so much. And the realization that I still feel this way hurts even more because it means I'm not changing. I really am just a dirty puddle of despair. I hate myself so much. In the daylight, I now pretend that I'm worth so much, that I don't take shit from anyone. But it's not real. I still cry at night. 22 years straight. It's never been me to be so dominant. I love too much, I avoid conflict and inflicting pain because of what I've been through. I'm a little angel. I hate pretending I'm a boss. But I hate being so sad and negative too. I don't know who I am at all. At all. Thank you.