This is so confusing. I cannot find the middle ground.

My partner: 27M, frustrated musician (his own words), unemployed, with untreated mental illnesses, student, neurodivergent

Me: 27F, neurodivergent (ASD), treated BPD, breadwinner, student

I just don't get it. In my perspective, I do everything within my power to be supportive. I offered to take the full financial responsibility so that he could pursue his dreams. I pay for *everything*. I seek better job opportunities so that I can have more money to support us both. I drive him everywhere. We share the housework (we shared it only after he became unemployed, before it was mostly me). I teach him how to take care of himself. I agree to have musicians over, even though I hate having people in my private space. I go to each and every one of his gigs, even if I have an endometriosis flare up, a school deadline, a bad day or whatever.

I'm happy to do all of this and more for him.

But it drives me insane that sometimes after a gig he becomes so frustrated about everything that he starts bringing up how I wasn't all cheerful at his gig one month ago because I had endometriosis or whatever. A month ago. Or that I had a bad day at work and since I'm working from home, he got all worried about me not being cheerful at his gig. It doesn't matter everything else I did. He says I'm _never_ happy when something good happens to him. False! And I've proven it. But he says he doesn't remember the good stuff as much as the bad. That is not my problem! Just 1/10 times that I was anxious, becomes "never happy".

I am frustrated that I'm constantly worried about his next big mood swing (towards depression). I'm frustrated that he's always talking trash about himself.

I got a lot of job offers, really cool ones, and he's "not happy".  I want to celebrate. I understand if he's not up to it, but I think it's a double standard to expect me to be always happy for every single small gig when he cannot be happy for my achievements.

I'm frustrated that the weekend right before my last week at my current job, he wants to have a study group over. For hours. No time for ourselves. I fucking need a weekend for myself. I want to enjoy being home, in peace! But if I don't agree to have people over and host them, then he will use this against me eventually saying that I "hate" his profession and that I "make him feel like he's doing it all wrong" and that I "loathe" his colleagues. I feel so judged when he says this, because it is not hate, it is just anxiety and overwhelm. He cannot understand this or chooses to disregard it.

WTF. I'm so tired. I wish I was normal and could be happy having people over and not feel overwhelmed at crowded gigs. That way I could be a supportive partner, I guess.

Fuck!!!