22F here with BPD. I've come to the realization that every time I thought I was in love over the years, it was just an unchecked obsession. Not real love. I'd idealize the person, and without meaning to, objectify them in the process. I've only been in 2 long term relationships. One was with a guy in high school that lasted about a year, and the other is my current relationship of 4 years to my fiancé. I ended things with my high school ex when things started getting serious. He'd refer to me as the love of his life, and in the moment I just thought that things were moving too fast, and it scared me. Which was true, but now I'm seeing that its a recurring pattern. As soon as the person I'm with wants to get serious, my feelings disappear. I just feel numb and indifferent toward them. I hate to admit it, but its happening again with my fiancé. Forcing myself to appear happy and in love is exhausting, and I can tell im starting to build resentment toward him. And I hate myself for it. My fiancé is a great, supportive person who deserves someone who's all in. And I want to love him. But I just feel numb. I know I have attachment issues, and a disorganized attachment style. Its incredibly difficult for me to build a healthy relationship with someone, romantic or otherwise. What do I do? The only romantic "love" I've ever felt for anyone has been unhealthy and obsessive. And when im in a healthy relationship, I go numb when things get serious. Feeling super confused and upset with myself.