Everyday I just wait for the time pass, and when the night comes I can finally take my sleeping pill to end the day. People says things will slowly getting better, not in my case. I feel life is keep getting worse and doesn't feel like it'll getting better any time soon, if that's possible.

I don't know how to die nor do I have the courage to do it myself, but it's been long enough time to make me believe I'll keep living in the deep depression unless some kind of miracle happens.

&amp;#x200B;

At my age, it's harder to have real connection with new people, also, friends keep getting married and having kids, plus my previous relationship ends more than a year ago, the loneliness has reached a level I have never experienced.

&amp;#x200B;

Although I tried keep contact with people who are closer to me, but as I said, they all have their own life/family to take care, I can only bother them so much time. And as you may know already, you shouldn't share too much of depression in you if that's a long-term condition, people gets tired about it and you'll somehow become a responsibility to them. Live with depression on your own makes it even harder, but that's how I deal with it now.

&amp;#x200B;

I do have a cat I love, since I live alone, I'm making an automation tool, so that if my smart watch doesn't detect my heart rate for like two days, it'll send e-mails and SMS to a few of my closer friends and family so they can come to take care my cat if something happens to me.

&amp;#x200B;

Anyway, I hope that I have some kind of illness so I'll know when will this all end, like maybe just three months left for me, then I can maybe properly say goodbye to some people. 

And for every people knows me, compare to suicide, illness to death will not give them the impression that a mental-illness man can't handle himself and made a bad decision. To them, it's just a death.

It's been a while since the last time I feel happy, maybe knowing when will this all end will do it.