I don't want to read it honestly. How bad is it? Having another "episode", family stole my keys and changed my flight plans. -\_-

&amp;#x200B;

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 I'm not one to share my past, not with anyone. At a point if you've been through enough you are branded. Dysfunctional, broken, tainted, wounded.... Yesterday 3 detectives called me, no one would tell me what was happening. I haven't felt so helpless since I was a kid.    When I was 12, my mom promised she would be at my football game. I remember being angry, sad, and confused when I scanned the bleachers, she wasn't there. She killed herself, leaving my family irreparably separated. From then on, living in a small town, that's what I was known as "the kid who's mom killed herself." My father was suffering from stage 4 bladder cancer when she left. I will always remember  Him limping with a catheter, asking me to play catch once more thinking it would be his last chance, showing me how to balance a checkbook because he wouldn't be there.   When I was 18, I met a girl, she was my longest relationship but she and I both struggled with depression. I told her one day I had been injecting heroin for a month, I remember sitting with her at the state park, swallowing my pride and tears as I showed her my bruised arms from violating myself with a needle. She was there for me and still loved me the same. I left her several months later. She had tattooed on her wrist a cherry blossom, with love written in script beneath it. She messaged me, "I cut love" she wouldn't respond. It was one day after I had a spinal operation. I get in my car fearing the worst. I get to her house and she cut her wrist across the script, and swallowed a bottle of effexor. I picked her up and carried her out to my car rushing her to the hospital. I remember finding next to her a stack of letters ... My name on each. She wrote to me every day as though we were together. I got her to the ER in time, and I remember how hard it was being told it's best for me to leave, I knew they were right, but more than anything I wanted to take back those words "I'm breaking up with you".   When I was called this morning, it was from a police officer in my hometown who incidentally recognized my name when it came up in another city. He said my name was left on a note at a violent scene and he wanted to make sure I was okay. After 3 or 4 detectives calling me, I finally ascertain what happened. My best friend put a bullet in his head. He and I experienced life together. We went to China, We grew, We became Men over the years. I had known he was sad, and he had mentioned a suicide pact a dozen times over the years. Part of it was a shared sense of morbidity, but I thought there was more time for him. He was two weeks from joining the army, I told him to hold on, that he hadn't experienced comradery, brotherhood, a shared purpose. I made him promise months before if he were to do something, first he would be off his meds for 2 months, and make the decision when he is in a clear state of mind. He failed me this promise, and killed himself in a disoriented state.    In his note he left the following addressed to me: "E, follow suit with me and your mother, and kill yourself you worthless fucking piece of shit".Enter

## 3/1/17, 7:09 PM

### You sent

That's awesome. I've told him he's got a knack with people. He had a lot of talent, and was a really intelligent guy, a bit of a chameleon you know, could become friends with anyone if he wanted to, although he kind of leaned towards being an introvert after second semester in college.  So I met him at a movie night. At the dorms they were having some social events for the first few weeks. They were showing a movie with a projector that night down in the center of campus, I sat outside on a large grass field towards the back. I'm sitting next to Avi and we hadn't introduced ourselves. This kid starts going on about the weirdest shit... Seriously awkward dude going on about his girlfriend and fucking her and whatnot. Avi and I kinda looked at each other with that knowing "wtf m8 r u hearing this" kinda look. We're both kinda fucking with him just giving him shit subtly but above his head ....  I end up asking him if he wants to ditch this guy and smoke some weed. We sat on a bench and just chatted for an hour, life, stupid shit, goals, you know whatever college freshman ice breakers are standard. We end up bumping into each other randomly at the dorms afterwards and I called over to him. We end up hanging