so i hooked up with my reborn again fp (so to speak lol) and i thought i’d regret it but i just miss him so bad already and we spent a lot of time talking today and i felt like we connected on a level that we never did before. 

he always used to slip up and tell me he loved me and i jokingly asked him why he hated me today and he just kissed my neck and told me he loved me again and i just kinda. froze. and was upset because i dont wanna hear it unless it’s truthful. so finally i just was like “you shouldn’t say that to me because im gonna start thinking you mean it” and he was kinda quiet for a minute and then said “i do love you. you’re special and you should know that” and my heart kinda just fucking 🥺 exploded and i honestly wanted to cry because i’ve had people tell me my entire life that they loved me but because of past trauma and abuse i never believe it, even from family, but for some reason i actually truly believe that he loves me but i just feel like it makes things worse because no matter if he loves me or not or if i love him back (which i do but im not telling him that) our relationship status isn’t going to change and it hurts because im starting to realize that i want more from life. i want a stable relationship and maybe kids at some point and i just can’t have that with him but i know that i’ll always come back to him. 

i was jokingly telling him that im gonna be 30 and single with no kids and a bunch of cats because i’ll always want him and won’t be able to keep anybody and he said that he’d still be around and it’s just. idk not fathomable that someone actually wants me around that long. im so unbelievably difficult to put up with, im annoying and clingy with my fps, i get jealous and angry and violently upset and he hasn’t even seen half of it but he’s still here. he still came back to me so. that means something right? 

but why do i feel like im still not worth the time of day ?