this is going to be long-winded, so bear with me. 

coming up on a year ago, i started dating my current boyfriend. i quickly rushed into a relationship with him following an emotionally devastating breakup of which i was suppressing any evidence of pain. 

i was escaping my pain through this relationship, it was fulfilling all of my needs for closure and commitment that i desperately wanted from the previous "situationship." it also kept me from being alone. 

this relationship didn't have the same rush of emotions or excitement that i had experienced in any of my past relationships and i knew from the beginning that my feelings weren't very strong, but that i definitely cared for him. of course, that hasn't stopped me from behaving like (delusional, paranoid, jealous, deranged) *me.* 

we've been through so much together - I've *put* him through so much. so much that i feel like i need to stay in this relationship just to "make it up" to him (when in reality i think i actively make his life much more difficult). but for the past...probably 6 months now, all i think about is ending things. 

at this rate, i don't know why he even wants to be with me. we have very little in common, we are not compatible in so many ways, and the longer i'm in this relationship the more i hate myself. and the more anger i end up directing at him. it isn't fair to me or him but it's so complicated. 

he wants a future with me. i have said that i want a future with him. whatever part of my brain that decides that i need to agree and affirm everything that someone says to be has really sabotaged me. 

if this were you (or if this has been you before / is you presently) what would you do? what can i do? sorry for being so vague, i'm incredibly paranoid about this. if there's anything i can clarify, lmk. i appreciate any advice. 

i love him, i don't want to hurt him, but i can't do this anymore. it's eating me alive.