I \[25m\] meet a lot of the criteria for BPD. I have only had tumultuous relationships, both platonic and romantic. I have few friends that I consider close because I've pushed most of them away by getting offended about something they said or did. I invited a friend over to see the new house I bought, but he declined, saying "Nahhh it's in \[Our Hometown\]." I knew he visited his parents who lived in the same town as me and the fact that he wouldn't or couldn't make a 3 minute drive ended up driving me to block him on everything. I've broken up with people for stupid reasons like one girl called my pets "potatoes" and for whatever reason that really annoyed me. I was thinking "*they have names, I told you them, and you're not using them."* I went on a trip with a girlfriend, first to her relatives in Maryland, then D.C., and finally to Delaware were we would be staying with her uncle. By the time we got to her uncles house, I made up an excuse to leave. So I left her there, when we had planned to stay a week. She just was doing something, something so insignificant that I can't even remember what it was, that made me get annoyed enough to abandon her there. The last one I want to talk about is important. Through my various trials and tribulations I think I've become a good judge of character, at least in terms of if I think if the two of us can get along. And the girl I'm talking to now is perfect. We have so much in common and things are going great. 

At least I'd like to think so.

It's long distance. We have 480 miles and a rocky past between us. We first met five years ago, got along great, but I got paranoid when she told me she was bipolar. My irrational fear was she was going to kill me like Phil Hartman was killed by his bipolar wife. I felt so guilty afterwards. I thought I would never see her again which would be horrible because I'm tellin' ya, me and her have a rapport that I haven't felt with anyone else. 

A year or two later we match again. I own a house now, been going back to school, really feeling like I'm putting my life together. We go out again, we're intimate with each other, and she says she wants to help me pick out new furniture at IKEA. All the while I'm thinking "*This is it! I can start to have a stable loving relationship!"* We set a date to go, and she doesn't show. A few days later an update shows up on my Facebook newsfeed that shows her and another guy are in a relationship. Their anniversary date was about a month before it was posted on Facebook. Naturally, I assume that she was cheating on this guy with me, and just stringing me along and using me for love/sex/etc. I was pretty distraught because it felt totally unexpected. I asked her why him and she told me they just had more of a background since they went to the same school. **BUT** she added *but who knows? Maybe third times a charm?* 

I took it as a pithy, empty statement and didn't think twice about it. We still kept in touch but I never expected to see her again after she and her boyfriend moved to North Carolina. 

Three months ago, possibly the Best/Worst thing happened to me. Her birthday was in March, and I shoot her a text wishing her a happy birthday. We talk about how we should get together whenever she's in town and she tells me that she's here! We go out for dinner and then to my place where we stay up until 4 AM watching (or rather talking through) some of our favorite movies. She ends up spending the night, we sleep in the same bed. Just cuddling, no sex. After all, she is in a relationship. She leaves in the morning but before she goes, she tells me her and her friend are flying to New Orleans tomorrow and would love to have me come. I take it as another empty statement, and don't expect to talk to her for a while. 

But NOPE! She really wants me there, sending me snaps of her and her friends airbnb, basically all but explicitly saying she had feelings for me. 

And I go for it. We have the absolute best time. Everything about it felt like a love story. She was unhappy in her relationship and here comes the "other man" to take his place. She tells me she thinks she loves me, I tell her I think so too. We talk about having a future together, children, all that good stuff. 

But of course we had to get off our little dream boat and back to reality. She broke up with her boyfriend when she got back. We're still keeping in touch. I visit her in NC in April. Just me and her. We say we love each other, and talk more about our future. It was great. 

Next month, she comes back to Ohio. She says she's not doing well mental health wise, and wants to see her family. It's obviously a valid reason, a good reason. But when she came to visit, I only got to see her for a day, maybe a day and a half, and only spent the night once. She was here for about four days. And I know her main reason for coming up here was to see her family but I was kind of upset we didn't get more time together. We did meet each others parents though, I think it went well. 

So, we're back up to present day. She's in NC and I'm in Ohio, and I find myself obsessing with getting this relationship perfect. She's withholding when it comes to saying she loves me, most of the time when she says it first it's when she's been drinking. I hate that. She's a bad texter. I can't fucking stand that she takes hours to respond when I've seen her online on other social media. And I can't fucking stand that she's admitted to having problems giving and receiving love and WON'T GET HELP. I've texted stuff I've regretted, like thinking she didn't feel the same way I felt about her. I just don't know. I think she's lying. All I think of is that she's toying with my heart and playing with my emotions on purpose. And it's gotten me heated, like my brain was on fire. When I've had these episodes it's like I can see what I'm doing, but have no control over it and my raw emotions take over. 

These past few months have been stressful for me because I've always had trouble with relationships, to the point of completely avoiding them. But I really think I've found someone special in her. But I've also had these exact thoughts before. The lack of reassurance has taken a toll because I can feel myself get more paranoid. I've asked her to try and give me more affection, she tells me it's hard for her. I think that she's messing with my mind on purpose. 

I don't know which are rational or irrational thoughts. I have a therapist scheduled soon

Basically my life has been variations on a theme and the theme is: Unstable relationships where I intensely value and devalue the person, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment, impulsive decisions galore.