So I've been with my bf for 4 years, nearly all of this time we've been living together. This is the first serious relationship I've been in and the first bf I've lived with. After a few months, I walked in on him masturbating to porn and it completely devastated me. I felt so extremely hurt and betrayed. We had several long talks and he said he would stop if it really hurt me that much.

But of course that was a lie.

So over the course of the next few years it was a constant routine of him promising to not watch porn but lying and doing it anyway. It finally stopped about half way through this year.

One of the things he was into was video games. And by that I mean animated porn featuring the female characters in video games that he frequently plays.

When he stopped watching porn he stopped playing those games.

But yesterday I came home from work and he was playing one of those games where you play a hot female, one that I've walked in and saw him watching on his computer. He had the house to himself yesterday and hasn't shown interest in having sex with me.

So all last night, today at work, and tonight I have been obsessing over this. Absolutely cannot stop thinking about it. Worrying. Panicking so bad.

Right now I'm sitting next to him on the couch while he plays and half of me wants to burst into tears and sob and the other half wants to scream at him.

The thing is though, about 2 months ago I started therapy. She gave me some worksheets to fill out when I get triggered by anything that makes me upset, angry, anxious, scared, anything really.

So I have the means of thinking this whole problem through and trying to make myself feel better but like... I just... Don't.

Anyone know what I mean?

Idk if it's because I'm currently going through a depression and am just feeling to lazy or if I subconsciously don't want to feel better... Idk but whatever it is I hate it.

How can I get better if there's something in me that doesn't want to change?

I just feel so stressed and ugly and I've been struggling with suicidal ideations lately and I just don't know what to do. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me what to do and how to feel better