Hi there everyone,

I'm new to posting, although I've been eyeing this sub for months. My counselor suggested that I might have borderline personality disorder, although she admits she does not have the qualifications to actually diagnose me. Upon hearing this, I did a thorough internet search and had a eureka moment that I see many of you have also experienced upon diagnosis/discovery of the illness. It fit so many of the emotional issues I'd struggled with for years.

Anyways, I'm on wellbutrin for depression/anxiety and haven't seen my shrink in a few months (she left the clinic and I never got around to scheduling a new one, gotta love that crippling emotional paralysis amirite). Lately, I've been dealing with high levels of anger and rage. Like, I go from 0-100 without even realizing it. I can get have violent tendencies or start swearing like a drill sergeant. Slamming doors and screaming to be left alone. But then I get left alone and the first thing I think about is how long life is and how I have to sit through all of it and getting through the day is so EMOTIONALLY exhausting. Like cycling between numbness, anger/rage, intense self-hate, desire for isolation, while simultaneously craving any form of attention or intimacy. Hell, I confuse myself half the time. I'm a doozy for the people I'm around. 

This guy and I have been going steady for a few months, and quite honestly it's been the 'healthiest' relationship I've been in. The BPD crave of an emotionally intense, passionate relationship attracted to me to some very shitty partners. This guy is not manipulative. He's pretty understanding and quite blunt about his feelings (i.e. if i'm doing something that bothers him, he'll tell me upfront, as opposed to the emotionally unavailable men in my past who would never show me that much affection upfront lest I get ahead of myself or play the passive aggressive card until I beg them to forgive me (sometimes not quite understanding what I did wrong).

So his bluntness somewhat...triggers bad behavior in me. I'm trying SO hard not to like, fp him. Like too many times have I dealt with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with basing your mood on another person's phone calls, texts, or mood. So since I know that he'll be upfront with me if he's upset...I'll do little things on purpose to bother him because I like the attention. I like the fact that he cares enough about me to be bothered by my actions (love being desperate for any projection of intimacy!). Of course, I don't always realize I'm being manipulative until afterwards...if you can even call it that. Of course, this kind of behavior will only push him further away from me. 

Sometimes he'll get mad and push away..following which I will smother him in attention, compliments, and declarations of my affection so he'll be nice to me again. That part is definitely me being manipulative, as it usually works on him. But I have a feeling this kind of rodeo will get boring..

I really like this guy, and I don't want to indirectly push him away because of the mini high I get from these stupid fights. Or maybe it's just a defense mechanism...I feel myself falling and I'm trying to cushion/speed up the blow so I don't crash as hard if it fails. Like, I don't think I could physically handle that right now, as I have to get a lot done with school and work. 

If you read this far...take a drink every time I used the word 'emotional'.

I guess my question is whether any of ya'll have dealt with/projected such profound buffoonery on your SO's or fps?

And if ya'll have any tips/mental exercises to not perform such counterproductive behavior?