Some quick facts. Male in his late 20’s. Mostly introverted. History of family issues. Diagnosed depression and adjusting to societal standards. Took antidepressants for 10 years on/off and stopped one year ago.


I don’t judge people in general for taking drugs of any kind. It’s their business and I also had my fair share of taking them. From simply getting drunk, smoking weed, doing ecstasy, speed and snorting coke. I always had fun and don’t regret doing it. Living and growing up in Berlin, a city where drug use, being open-minded, fetishism and underground partying is seen as culture, getting handed a golden platter of a variety of drugs wherever you go makes it difficult to abstain for most young adults. 

But things did change for me. Nowadays going partying and seeing people doing drugs gives me extreme discomfort. My heart starts raising and I feel like I’m in the wrong place and just want to leave. Looking at their high faces with a staring or dreamy gaze and grinding teeth gives me the shivers. This is new to me. It’s gotten to the point where just hearing trance and techno music is enough to trigger those feelings.

It might have started when I met my ex girlfriend almost two years ago. It was summer and we went out for lunch and partying for our first date. It was magical. We spend 24 hours together going from place to place, meeting her friends and just enjoying ourselves. I was on antidepressants at the time and didn’t do drugs contrary to her. Fast forward a few weeks and we were dating. She’s 6 years younger than me and at the time just enjoying herself going out a lot. I didn’t care much for it in the beginning but things took a turn.

For her partying and doing drugs go hand in hand. And she went out a lot at the time. On one occasion she came home after spending the night and next day at a friends place while I was by myself thinking she’s probably still asleep. When she arrived telling me they were doing drugs the whole night and into the day I was horrified. She took Mephedrone for the first time and just looking at her is the closest to those feelings I have nowadays. It felt like there was a stranger in my place. This might have been the start of it.

I recall never doing drugs in former relationships especially not with my significant other. I remember one of my ex girlfriends telling me early on she smoked weed sometimes and at the time I got really uncomfortable. It made me realize that my issue lies with my partner doing drugs and not people in general. And I judge them for it. Might it be my insecurities or the pain I feel looking at them I don’t really know.

I’ve been trying to figure out the root of it all but can’t pinpoint it to this day. I do believe in overcoming difficult situations and being able to learn dealing with my emotions. Trying has more value to me then ignoring and avoiding something that clearly bothers me.


For those who were in situations like this know you’re not alone. And for those who just took the time reading this I appreciate you a lot.

All the best to you.