TW: mention of sh 

I’m not ashamed to admit i have this illness. It’s the shame after a meltdown that really pushes me into depression. anyways, i was looking back at my life once again and i realized that my childhood probably played a huge part of me developing bpd.

i had great relationship with my mom and dad until they got devorced when i was 6. i was moving back and forth every week. at my moms house we were completely allowed all feelings but at my dads we couldnt be anything but happy. he started to yell at me if he saw me crying, angry or annoyed. so i thought that these feelings are not valid and i started to supress them and ignore them. i would suffer by myself every day. i think that this actually could have been a huge part of my mental health and i feel like this is sort of a trauma for me. i still to this day dont share anything with anyone because i think they’ll hate me and get annoyed with me, so i keep everything inside of me. i feel like im on the edge all the time, even on my good days. one set back and i’m having a meltdown throwing things and hurting myself