For the past two weeks or so I have been having a really hard time going to sleep or just functioning normally in the evenings. I end up thinking about death in the abstract a whole lot. I am not afraid of dying in the near future but I am terrified of that transition into non-existence that happens at the end of your life. I keep picturing random people around the world dying and these are like intrusive thoughts. If I am not focusing on a task of some sort this just pops into my head and stays there until I consciously refocus. At that moment my heart will be racing and I will feel fight or flight coming on. And no I don’t have any risk factors in my life currently. It’s like it’s a matter of principle: eventually I’ll not exist.

The last time I had this kind of reaction to it was when I first learned about death around 4 or 5. I couldn’t go to sleep and someone needed to tell me stories to distract me. Around 6 or 7 that stopped as I guess I grew and in my late teens I discovered the idea that before you are dead you are alive so why worry. And after, you won’t be capable of worrying because there will be no you, so why worry about how it will feel? That thought kept me basically not afraid of death between them and about two weeks ago (so about a decade and a half). I know I have (well managed) depression that flares up during the darker months in the northern hemisphere but I have never had this reaction as an adult. Anyone got any tips on how to get off this particular roller coaster?