So I’ve figured out what’s up with me, yeah. Daily panic attacks and multiple stomach issues, I’ve got most of it under my control now. I’m finally free, I’m able to do anything I want. 
That is, if the guilt and grief I feel daily due to the troubles and sabotage I’ve caused. Trying to control these conditions without help was like trying to lift up an elephants foot without getting crushed. 
None of it was fair. I thought this was how everyone felt, I believe that I just had to suck it up, I was deceived thinking I was addicted to the pain. So many years past without knowing there was an issue with me. 
I guess the only thing I can do is give myself and others I’ve hurt some time. I cannot be ashamed of my conditions nor blame anyone including myself. 
I think I start to realize what this stage is, it’s clarity you asked for when you’re suffering, but once you have it, you look back and wonder what to do with yourself. What you’ve caused, the damage you cannot take away.