*Mention of abuse, suicide, abortion
I have not been diagnosed with BPD but have strong suspicions that I have it.  For years I have thought that I had just suffered from depression, anxiety, maybe bipolar,  but nothing seemed to quite explain everything.  Im a 29 year old female, about to turn thirty in 2 months and I am currently going through a tough breakup which triggered a lot of the questioning and self evaluation that I've been doing.  Ive definitely always felt depressed and anxious as a child but was not able to truly recognize it until I was about 15 and made my mom take me to the doctor to get put on medications.  I dont remember a time growing up that my mom wasn't depressed so there was no issues with me getting started on an antidepressant.  I also suspect that my mother has BPD as well.  Therapy was never even discussed or mentioned but I feel like therapy could have done so much good for me.  My parents provided for me and my brothers in that we had a roof over our heads, we were fed, clothed etc. but I think that there was a lot lacking there emotionally.  My mother didn't work because she wanted to stay at home with us, which I think is partially true. However, with her anxiety and depression she would not have been able to hold down a job, and I dont remember her ever being "fully" present with us. My dad was constantly working overtime to try and support us and was never home.  When he was he was sleeping because he had to go back in that night or he was very grouchy.  My dad did not have the time or money to do the home improvements that desperately needed to be done to our home and it caused tons of resentment between my mother and him and my brothers and I as well.  My brothers and I had to share a bedroom for a very long time because of this which was hard to explain to anyone because we lived in a big 4 bedroom house. I was quiet at school and git good grades  but "caused problems" at home.  I didnt have a hard time making friends necessarily but I didnt like to invite people over because I was embarassed of my house. My parents were constantly fighting, the house was always a mess, my mom seemed like she had zero interest in us kids or anything for that matter. She would just lay in her room and read books.  I would often fight with my mom and dad.  My dad would end up hitting me and my mom wouldn't do anything about it or she would tell me that it was my fault because I didn't keep my mouth shut.  When my mother and I would fight and argue or I was bad she would lock me in our basement because she "didn't know how to deal with me". This didn't happen to my brothers because they learned to keep their mouths shut. My mother physically abused me as well but I dont remember this happening until I was much older.  We were fighting once and I was bent over draining out the bathtub after a bath and she pushed my head under the water and held it there.  There was so many times that I talked about calling someone or telling someone at school about this but when I would tell my mom I was going to do that she told me that they would send me away to a foster home or juvie so I never did.  I also loved my parents and felt like I would be betraying them by doing that.  I also didn't think my parents were bad people and that my dad didn't hit me all the time so it wasn't that bad.  I dont think I ever learned healthy coping mechanisms because my parents didn't have any and my mother never sent me to therapy.  I feel MY needs and wants were never actually met.  I know this might not sound that bad and other people had it worse.  I think when you're already genetically prone to this kind if thing any type of abuse probably makes it worse.  Flash forward to me being 15 and realizing I was depressed, that was also the time that I started dating my now ex husband.  He was the first boy that I dated, slept with etc.  We dated on and off for 10 years and were married for 3, just divorcing 2 years ago.  Looking back I now recognize so many signs.  I would think he was the greatest person ever then hate him and break up with him. One of the main reasons why we were on and off again all the time.  I was always the one to iniate the breakup.  I know now it was because I blamed him for my own unhappiness .  I was always trying to find my happiness in other people.  This continued for years until we got married.  We both kind of gave up on each other and I think we stayed together out of comfort and fear of being alone .  I remember constantly saying that I felt like I was living with a roomate and not a husband.  I cheated, he got into drugs and lost his job.  The marriage ended shortly after that.  I loved him and I know he loved me but I think we stayed together for so long for all the wrong reasons.  We both thought we would never find anyone else that loved and cared about them.  I was also never  able to be alone.  If we broke up I always ended up in a relationship with someone.  I have recognized this as a problem over the years but have never truly addressed it because we ALWAYS got back together.   I had two close friends as teenagers who I still am friends with.  We were inseparable and were always together.  I feel like i built my identity around them and my ex.  We all hung out with the same people. One if these friends is actually married to my exs best friend This was also when I started drinking and smoking weed.  Thats what we did every weekend.  I feel like I never developed any hobbies or real interests other than that.  I would go to school and then we would all drink and party on the weekends.  I missed a lot of school as a teenager because of my depression and anxiety.  I HATED school.  I felt like I had a hard time making friends and wasn't interesting or could make conversation. I ended up doing cyber school my last year and a half.  Even though I was absent a lot I always got good grades and got into a 4 year university for nursing.  I thought that when I went away to college that everything would get better because I wasnt going to be living at home in that depressed environment anymore.  Little did I know that waa NOT the case.  I was still depressed, still anxious, still lonely.  Still had a hard time making friends.  I went to an all girls school which made it even worse.  I lived on campus in the dorms and I always made it a point to at least put makeup on and jeans to go to class.  This was partially because I have suffered with bad acne since I was a teen and I feel less depressed when I try to make an effort. I also feel like any positive attention that I ever got was because of my looks.   Most of the girls would roll out of bed and go to class in sweatpants.  I later found out that some of the girls made comments about me because of this and said that I thought I was better than everyone.  Funny because I felt literally the exact opposite.  I ended up leaving school and moving back home and going to the community College. I started dating someone for a few months and after they broke up with me a few months later I attempted suicide for the first time.  After that breakup I was so severely depressed that I quit showing up for work and school. I was barely eating or showering etc.  I hated myself and my family.  I was dated a wonderful guy with what I considered a normal family that I had always wanted.  I honestly think I liked his family more than I liked him.  My family does not seem to enjoy spending anytime together and my brothers and I dont speak even to this day. He was so close with his sisters and they would actually spend time together and enjoy it.   I remember thinking that I was a completly worthless and flawed individual and that nothing was ever going to change which was a theme that had been common for me growing up(because nothing really ever did change in our house growing up).  At one point my mother forced me to go to the doctor or she was going to take me to mental health.  I went and basically had an anxiety attack in the office and they gave me a prescription for kolonipin.  I took it a few times and it didn't do anything for me and I also went back on my antidepressant that I had been on and off for so many years.  I always hated the idea of having to rely on a medication to be able to function like a normal person and it caused me to have blackouts when I drank so I would stop taking it.  At one point my mother and I got into a fight and I snapped and downed the bottle and chugged  a few beers(I had no liquor) fully intending on ending my life.  I obviously didn't know at the time that this usually doesn't work and I stumbled downstairs trying to leave my house which is how my parents found out.  Im pretty sure I didn't want my parents to find me so I tried to leave the house.  I woke up in mental health.  They started me on a mood stabilizer and back on my antidepressants.  I went to one therapy session and didn't go back.  I also stopped taking my mood stabilizer because it made me beyond sleepy and extreme tiredness was something I already struggled with. My mom contacted my ex during this and of course he was there for me like he always was and we ended up getting back together.  I started looking to go back to school and went to a hospital nursing school program and moved out with my boyfriend and his friend and girlfriend.  I ended up leaving after a semester and moved back home. I passed my first semester but I felt like I had no idea what I was doing.  I felt like i was teaching myself and I didn't want to be a nurse that was fucking clueless.  I went back to the community college to pursue nursing there.  I eventually got into their nursing program as it had a long waiting list.  My ex and I bought a house together and got married a few months later.  It was tough, nursing school is not easy by any means.  There were times that I thought I would quit but I was finally able to graduate and got a job as a graduate nurse and then passed my boards a few months later. I finally felt like maybe everything was going to change for the better and I felt accomplished for once in my life.   Unfortunately this is also when my ex and I began to basically start our divorce.  I was already seeing someone before our divorce was finalized so I never really was "alone".  Nobody knew about this for much later after our divorce was finalized because it was with someone who was "poly" and that was going to be an issue in itself with the people in my life.  To the outside world it looked like I was doing great being alone but I wasnt really alone.  Now that relationship is coming to an end mainly due to me getting pregnant and ultimately having an abortion that I didnt really want to have.  Ever since the abortion I have been having suicidal thoughts, missing work, barely eating, not getting out of bed.  Ive been ignoring texts and phone calls and logged out of all of my social media..  Ive just completly been isolating myself from the outside world.  I made a therapy appointment and of course cancelled it because I couldn't get out of bed other than to let my 2 dogs outside and to use the bathroom myself.   Probably the only reason I haven't made any attempt as of yet is that I work at the hospital as a nurse and I dont think I could face going back to work if I ended up in mental health because everyone would know.  I wear a mask everyday at work and people have commented that I look "sad" and about how much weight I've lost.  Im 5'5" and normally about 130-135 lbs with a figure.  I am down to 123 lbs. Multiple people at work have comented about how "thin" ive gotten and not in a good way as I was never overweight before and always had a good figure.  When im at the lowest of low and cant get out of bed amd  I'm scrolling through reddit reading about suicide or other web pages about suicide and suicide methods going between feeling completely numb to being so overwhelmed with sadness that i cant stop crying.  It's literally pure hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone.  Even when I start to feel less suicidal all I think is ok you're never going to get any better, you have no hobbies, no drive, you're not happy.  Youre just drifting through life.  Literally all I have wanted my whole entire life is just to be happy amd feel at peace and comfortable with myself.  Ive always wanted children and a family but I am scared shitless that im going to pass this along to my children, have them grow up seeing me depressed and miserable, or end up emotionally neglecting them because im too focused on my own shit.  Im also like who is going to want to date me other than to want to sleep with me...I have such bad social anxiety and like i mentioned above I don't feel like I have much of a life or hobbies because I'm always too fucking depressed to want to do anything.I feel like the men I will end up dating now are going to be narcissistic because I'm very codependent and when I date someone it all becomes about them and me integrating into their life because I feel like I don't have one! All of close friends I have are married with kids.  I HATE doing things alone so I don't. I have cousins that are close in age with me that I became close with but one is now married with a child and they are all in relationships. Trying to spend time with my mother is like pulling teeth.  Any time that I wasnt with my boyfriend or at work I was at home scrolling through social media or watching netflix.  Pretty much mindless shit.  So I'm basically at a crossroads right now, kill myself or try to better myself and move on.  I   just don't know how to do that.  I dont know how to like myself let alone love myself or feel ok on my own.  I have so much self loathing and hatred for myself.  I hate that I spent nearly half of my life like this.  Letting my anxiety and depression get in the way of me making friends and doing activities. I feel like I don't even know who I am.  I hate the way my family is too.  My older brother is severely mentally ill.  He lives at home with my parents and does not work.  He's on disability because he cant even work.  My younger brother also lives at home with my parents because he is saving for a house.  My brothers and I pretty much don't even speak to each other when im there.  I honestly avoid going there because I cant stand the state of the house.   It's hard to explain to friends or anyone that I date about any of this.  So how do I begin to have a start to try and change.  I have read that DBT is the only therapy to help with this but I've also read that therapists hate patients with BPD and that they are untreatable.  And what if they say I dont have BPD?I really think I do as everything fits except the self harming although I did have urges to self harm as a teenager but I never acted on them.  I know this is not something that can be done overnight but I dont even know where to start especially when I cant even go a whole day without suicidal thoughts and the littlest thing can send me into a meltdown.  I had suicidal thoughts at work for most of the day today.  Even if i can stay focused enough at work to keep my mind occupied I end up coming home to an empty house which is the worst, especially when you spend all day taking care of other people.  You have no one to vent to or share your day with.  How the hell  do any of you cope being alone with BPD???