I can't keep denying it. I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for quite some time now. I never talked with anybody about this because I don't wanna spook people out or made them think that I'm seeking for attention. 

At the same time, I have a hard time trying to get help. Besides depression I suffer from social anxiety and talking about what's happening to me to a stranger makes me feel uneasy and afraid. I went to therapy years ago but it didn't work. I didn't connect to that therapist and I guess, that left a sour taste in my mouth.

What I know for sure it's that I'm tired. I'm tired of living and pretending that everything it's fine when in reality it isn't. Everyday it's another struggle. I do my best to try to keep myself together but it gets hard. It's becoming an issue with my personal life as well.

I don't have the will to socialize or meet anyone new. I recently went out with some friends even when deep down I didn't want to go. But I forced myself to do it just to get out of my "comfort zone" a little. 

Sometimes I wanna burst out crying because the feeling of being alive it's like draining me. I don't know what else to do. I don't wanna give up. But I'm lacking the strength to keep going. I wanna get help but I'm so terrified about taking the step.

Can you tell me what I should do? Or how should I confront this situation?

Thanks for reading.