I left Seattle because there were no mental health resources left, I tried everything I could find. I couldn't make any friends. All jobs I had there stole my soul. Basically they were delighted to have me because I am hard working, but by the end they found ways to fire or get rid of me because I am constantly late, make mistakes, and my coworkers end up hating me. It doesn't matter how hard I try to change or fix this, how much therapy I do, whether or not I take meds, it ends the same way.

I had so much hope that I could start over somewhere else and find my way this time.

I started to make friends, it was much easier here than there, but now I'm hitting walls again. People are friendlier here than Seattle, they'll at least chat with you. But I'm still alone. I'm too much and people back off.

I've dated someone for a month and it just imploded. I can't do casual relationships where the person just wants sex and isn't invested. It's hard when they're not interested in anything about me unless it involves sports, sex, food, or their interests. When I want to do something interesting to me they can't do it. I feel used. They can just as easily find someone else to fuck and ditch me after I've bonded to them. They committed to being exclusive, but I know they'll cheat like the others who have done the same. I'm too much for them.

I have nearly run out of savings. I really don't have it in me to do another soul sucking job. I'd rather be dead.

Finding housing has been a struggle. I found a place till the end of the month. I don't have the strength to go through this process again.

I have gone to cascadia and nami and called the crisis line. I just keep getting referred to another agency or person. The therapists I speak to can't help. One that I was referred to answered the phone as if I just woke her up and said, sure I can help you find resources. What resources? She wouldn't tell me anything about herself, just wanted to meet. Frankly she sounded a lot like another one I saw who was too ill to treat people. I made an appointment, but I know better than to go.

There's really nothing left. I saved myself last time. I had to pay $175 a session for salvation. I had some credit cards at the time and went into debt that I thought I'd never be able to pay back. I can't do that again. Basically salvation was not being homeless, finding a shitty job that burned me, dating terrible people, and having no friends.

There's really no fucking point. I pray for the courage to end this. Please please god grant me the courage to die. I'm so sorry Dad. But I can't live. I'm sorry to leave you. I wasn't ever there for you to begin with, I haven't seen you in years and I never call, and I can't help you financially because I'm a fuckup, but even so I know my death will hurt you. I just can't live anymore.
