Does anyone else with bpd experience something like this? What do I do? How can I stop this? I feel like I don't trust myself anymore and like I'm not in control, but I can't deny that I'm the one doing these awful things, all I can do is wake up and deal with the aftermath that I created for myself in the past and I'm tired of hurting the people I love.

Context (tw: cheating, lying):

Disclaimer: He has told me he wants to work things out and I plan on doing that, so I'm coming here for advice on how to work with my disorder. Anyone telling me to terminate the relationship will be ignored.

I cheated on my bf about a year ago at the beginning of our relationship and didn't remember until last night. He and I are coming to terms with the fact that I lie almost compulsively, so for the past few days he and I have been trying to uncover any lies that I've been hiding from him. It took me a day to remember that I'd done that, and when we went through my messages with that person, it felt like I was looking at messages some evil, cartoon-villain version of myself time traveled and did the most hurtful things she could think of to ruin my life and hurt my boyfriend now. I couldn't believe I'd done that stuff. I still am in disbelief. And what terrifies me the most is that I can't remember the extent to which I've betrayed my partner in the past and feel like, if I was able to hide this from myself, then what other horrors have I hidden from myself mentally? It feels like an enourmous iceberg of hideousness that I've only seen the tip of, and I'm scared.

I truthfully didn't remember doing a good majority of it, but I did do it, and I know I did because memories are coming back to me, and it all feels like a nightmare. Like when I wrecked a car as a teenager and felt like I was in the worst dream possible but couldn't wake up from it. That was me that did that and I can't deny it and I need help because that's not who I want to be. I don't know who I want to be but I know who I don't want to be and it felt like acid being poured on me to read the messages I sent and realize what I'd done.