I hope I’m in the right sub! I originally almost posted this to antiwork but (I’m not expecting this to get much attention anyway) it’s too large, and this sub feels like a better fit. 

Obligatory this is a long post and I’m on mobile and I apologise for any weird grammar and rambling. I’ve been up since 5AM and had like 4 and a half hours sleep because my IBS had other plans.

I left my retail job after almost 8 years (9-9.5 years, collectively) in October. Started fresh at an insurance firm and to say it was different was an… understatement! I still absolutely loved it, though. I heard great things about this firm; the thing that attracted me the most was the fact that it’s a positive work environment (something I believe most of us in retail would probably kill for). Backstabbing is extremely rare. No one has a bad thing to say about anybody! It was fantastic! It pays well for entry level. Long office hours but the days went by super quick. My only contention was the fact that I was coming home with migraines every day. The program they use was notoriously difficult to use and actually quite hard for me to read at times (because black on white is for pussies)

I got the sack after two weeks. I still don’t know exactly why. I was on the same page as the other two. Though, I admit, I did struggle a bit (especially on my last day. I had a really bad flare up, which took a massive shit on my work performance. It was *bad.* I hadn’t felt that terrible since before my diagnosis. Didn’t even take my lunch because I felt awful about it. Got the phone call when I was waiting for my train back home). The director didn’t have the patience for that, I guess. The part that baffles me is he sent me an email 3 days prior telling me to keep up the good work and he was hearing good things about me; I offered to work every bank holiday, which he was ecstatic about, apparently.

For years, I’ve been a conscientious, competent member of the team. I was the go-to (until I said no. Trust me, it gets old quick and I’m not a fan of being taken for a mug so I avoided it). I seldom took time off sick. It’s only in the last four years that I decided to take holidays off. Before all of this, I’d also never been fired before. It hit me extremely hard. A total mess for weeks. In-fact, I’m still a mess. You’ll find out right about now.

*So, cut to the present:*

I’ve been in hospitality for about three weeks. I love the front desk! There’s still plenty of room for progression, and so I only want to look up. I have a brilliant team and the sweetest lady in HR! That’s probably the most I can say about the place without breaching my contract.

While the program we use is much more user-friendly and I got all of my mandatory training out of the way in good time, I’m now being thrown in the deep-end and won’t have a supervisor/manager on shift with me for much longer. I am absolutely terrified now. I’ve been walking on egg shells from the get-go as it is, but I’m not even sure I can swim. I keep making mistakes because I’m panicking constantly and it’s driving me completely insane. 

They say I’m doing really well but so did my old director? What do I believe? I have a very poor attention span. And it’s weird, I remember how to do everything on that old program I used, I could tell you without blinking how I would start and end my shift in retail, but you could tell me something right now and I will forget it in 5 seconds - I wish I was joking. I know my supervisor gets a bit frustrated with me and I want to die inside. I cry every day now, even as I’m typing this, because I can’t fucking face this shit again - but it’s conflicting because I know I’ll render it a self-fulfilling prophecy and get myself sacked anyway. Any dive master or sky maniac will tell you that it’s not the water or the fall that kills you, it’s the panic.

Is it therapy time? I can’t afford private and I really don’t have that much confidence in the NHS in regards to mental health care. That, and the waiting list is abysmal. 

Thanks for reading. I’ll probably add more later but my phone keeps lagging and it’s getting really tedious waiting for text to pop up.