So my ex of 10 years broke up with me in November and he is FP. He loves me and we are still friends and we both say we love each other all the time everyday and he will go out of his way to share things with me like sharing that people on SSDI can get married and then I get in my head, "Oh he loves me, it will work out" then there are other days where "He'll give up on me even as a friend once he has found a different significant other because the person he has met will want me out of his life so they can have a relationship." I have threatened suicide towards him in our big fights when I am out of control, I was told that this is common behavior with people who have borderline since their emotions are so high they want to keep people in their lives but they also want to punish the other person (want is the wrong word) problem is, most people view that as psychotic/narcissistic behavior but people who are narcissistic don't feel extreme regret, guilt and or shame after what they have done, I always feel regret and shame after it and feel like a horrible, awful human being and I end up beating myself up emotionally or when I don't want to feel anything I self-harm (most people self-harm to feel something I know I'm fucking weird) . I'm honestly kinda scared to tell people about that side of me because that is not the person I am or want to be, I'm very stable except in those moments which is why I am desperately working on how to manage the out of control emotions . I wish he understood that I love him so much but I also have hurt him with my actions and I have to accept that. I am in DBT, have a psychiatrist and take my meds for my other issues. Im doing very well in DBT so that's good. The downside right now is that I'm not eating because I am very depressed about the breakup and I was recently diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS for short) which is a very life-changing illness. there are days where I feel like cutting again because I feel like no one will love me like he has because I have so many problems, I have had to have a partial hysterectomy when I was 27 in 2017 because I was continuing to have miscarriages and my pain was so bad I couldn't move, I have been told by my sister that I am less of a woman and no one would want to date a woman who can't have kids and can't have sex all the time, and therefore I feel like no one will accept me for who I am or accept my problems. I have a good heart deep down and I want to share that with other people but at the same time I want to guard my heart and hide it as well so I don't get hurt again. I accept the result of the breakup is my fault but it still hurts and I still blame and hurt myself daily for it physically and emotionally. Also, Im trying to learn not voice my emotions or problems to anyone but I am also not telling people if I am struggling and need help because I don't want to bother people with my problems. Sorry if I am rambling and sorry for this long ass post. I hope you can give me some insight or suggestions.