I have felt out of place my entire life. I remember being six years old and thinking that I was a part of some sort of experiment or situation in which everyone else was just some sort of carbon copy, and I was truly the only person with independent thoughts. I still feel this way today, although I am 99.6% convinced that others do share a consciousness, and that I am not actually alone. I remember being overly loud as a child - even had classmates comment on it since I was old enough to go to school. I often feel that my relationships go between two different extremes. For example, the other day, my friend (whose father just recently passed) has been avoiding speaking to me lately. I made an effort to bring him something to relieve his stress, and he declined my call. This gave me an internal rage and I was already internally thinking “why the fuck do you let people do this to you? You just keep attracting toxic people and then getting hurt.” I was essentially ready to be done with the friendship altogether, just because of this. A few minutes later he responded and I brought him the item without hesitation. He is my friend. I love him, I know that. I have gotten much better over the years at controlling my emotions when I am ignored or when I feel that someone is trying to invalidate my emotions. Although I can remember feeling odd and out of place early in life, I do not believe that these exaggerated emotions started until about 4 years ago. I began an online relationship that has lasted to this day, somehow. During the early course of our relationship, we were both younger and extremely immature. He cheated. There were times when he was emotionally abusive. I experienced more emotional pain in that summer than I have ever experienced again, even when my mother overdosed on heroin a year ago and was on a ventilator, close to dying. I cannot explain the feeling that I felt when that relationship started. I still can’t. It was the most spiritual thing I have ever experienced, and I believe that dabbling in psychedelics in the past only intensified my attachment and love for him. I truly feel out of breath when something has gone on in the past that hindered our communication, especially when his father would prevent our communication at times. It would mentally and often physically debilitate me. I often have extremely scattered thoughts and sometimes say things in conversation that don’t always parallel what we are discussing, despite it making sense in my mind, but not when I express it verbally, at which point I feel a bit stupid having said it. I often misinterpret how people feel based on their tone or facial expressions. I often feel that some of my intelligence is not my own, but is something that I have learned to develop for survival. I will often latch on to new words or phrases and repeat them for days or weeks at a time when I feel it is appropriate. I often talk to myself, even arguing and having to rationalize between drastically different thoughts and opinions in my mind. For example, on one hand, I believe that women are absolutely equal to men, despite any physical or mental differences between the sexes. I believe that science provides a basis for gender equality, and that women can be equally intelligent when compared to men who have been exposed to similar environments. On the other hand, I have always had a deep-down belief/infatuation with women being dominated by men, including intellectually. It seems that I will switch between these two opinions when talking to different people, and I will mold my opinions at the time to what they themselves believe; I do not take this to the extreme, however. I often go through periods of extreme change, only to hate or be depressed by the changes after I have made them. Example: I recently redecorated my room. New tapestries, curtains, LED lights, etc. Everyone who sees it compliments it - there is truly nothing wrong with the room. I hate it now. It makes me sad. I want to rip the lights down. A week ago, I was anti-government and wanted to be off the radar. Then I wanted to go on the straight-and-narrow and completely change my life and get my shit together. Now I just don’t know. Anybody in my life who I attempt to tell these things to attempts to rationalize the least-serious symptoms before I can even get to the other ones. They seem to believe that this is just a symptom of me transitioning from being a teenager to being an adult. But I have felt this way my entire life. I feel completely and utterly alone. The only individual who alleviates that feeling is the boy I’ve been in a fucking long-distance relationship with for four years, and who somehow still puts up with me and my tantrums over the littlest things. I truly feel that I can’t control it at times - and that the only way to get away from an argument is to leave the situation completely, or I may end up leaving the relationship altogether. I feel fucking crazy.