I'll try to condense the context of this as much as possible, but last year I went through a really bad breakup and it sent me spiraling really bad. I developed all these compulsions related to checking social media and it honestly took over my life. I went off my meds for a bit and i got bad. i just would not stop bothering him and I just got worse and worse until I was so suicidal that my mom took me to a mental hospital. once i got out, i apologized to him and i haven't bothered him since. other than a few slip ups, i stopped the compulsions and deactivated all of my social media. i was back on my meds, along with a new one. i stopped having crying spells. i was very, very slowly getting stable. when quarantine started, i decided to go back on instagram because i was bored and i needed to see people. i thought i could handle it. when his mom replied to a few of my stories, it made me really sad so i blocked all of his friends and family and his new gf, to make sure she wouldn't come up on my explore page. 
and i was doing ok!! but then like a month in.. the thought occurred to me that wow. i'm in a high risk group and nobody has really reached out to me. and he hasn't reached out to me. and that made me spiral a bit. i talked about it with my therapist bc the feeling just got really big. i was still holding up mostly though.

then last week, i decide to go on tumblr, which i hadn't used since i was hospitalized. weirdly, i checked his (i know i shouldn't have) and he hasn't either for some reason. like he stopped posting around the same time. it made me feel weird but i just started reblogging and liking pictures and quotes and stuff. and then... i noticed in my messages that he was active online. and it seemed like the more i posted, the more he came online. this gave me this rush of dopamine knowing that he was seeing my posts. i'm really starting to spiral at this point, but i still keep it together mostly. then i got laid off at work, and have been even more emotional. i was drinking too much one night... i got way too drunk, it was dumb. like dizzy, slurring, bad drunk. previously, i was sometimes posting like different rants and other things and putting them on private before this and in my drunken state, i thought that that's what i was doing.

except i forgot to put them on private. and when i woke up at 3am, he was online. so he more than likely saw them. i quickly deleted all of them and then battled the hangover from hell the next day. i've actually been doing better since then. compulsions are more under control, and my emotions feel more manageable, i don't feel like i'm back at square one. i'm just embarrassed. oh well. i've already made a huge fool of myself to him, so it's not like this makes a difference. i'm sure i supplied him and his new girlfriend with solid quarantine laughing material. ugh.