why am i so weak?

This is something I (m27) started asking myself after my last breakdown, "how did I allow myself to get to this point" was from the previous one, and honestly for both questions I don't know the answer, I look at myself and at my life and I am very sad because there is no real reason to be like this, I am not American but my country is not terrible, my family is poor but I have never been insecure about my next meal, I have a very good salary at least considering my country average but when I look closer I really understand how I got here, it was all the little things piling up until it was too late to come back like being bullied all my childhood, having my heart broken publicly, never having an official girlfriend, never connecting with my dad and feeling a gradual disconnect with my mom, less friends over the years, the fucking pandemic, not doing what is my dream job and etc.

I honestly know that a lot of people suffer from all this and more and it just makes me feel worse, because I can't deal with it, I don't feel strong and I don't feel like I know who I am, feeling dependent on people who don't care about me and Neither should they, because I don't make the effort to take care of myself, I feel so blocked every time I try to go to therapy, start exercising, go to doctor's appointments, find a date on tinder, find another job, start writing (my dream job is to be a writer), why? why can't I do these things, there are billions of people doing at least one of these things why can't I? why am i so incapable of doing something for myself? why allow myself to suffer so much and make no real effort for a better life? not even my passions are helping me anymore, and they kept my mind in the right place for so long.

I honestly miss myself, I miss being ignorant about life, I miss my strength, I miss my hope and I could go on writing a few thousand "I miss something".

How should I deal with my pain, my sadness, my fear, my past? i know its very brief but i honestly don't know what to do and right now i can only hope someone here says something that can help me start doing something new.

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ps: some of you may raise some questions, so here is some information that I couldn't find a simple way to add it to my help request.

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* I have never been diagnosed but i believe i have depression and anxiety
* Honestly my health isn't good at this point, i believe i have some heart problem but don't have the strength to discover it
* I still live at my mom's house, one of my current flaws that I didn't mention (financially I would be able to)
* I'm currently working in IT, I started late in the field because I didn't know what to do with my life after high school, but I worked every day after I turned 18 and I paid for my own stuff since my first paycheck, one of the only things I'm proud of my life
* I already loved IT the rationality of it fascinated me, but now I can't even study anymore, I still have good notions and ideas but now I don't have discipline or good practical skills and honestly now I'm afraid of losing my job for being so mediocre
* I consider that I stopped being ignorant about life when my biggest heartbreak happened, when I was 14 years old, I ended up telling a supposed group of friends that I liked a girl, definitely out of league, and one of them ended up telling her at school and she and her friend started laughing at me, when i got home i cried a lot and for the first time i asked a question that i still have no answer to, "who am i?" and i spent the rest of the year completely depressed, i lost some passions during that time like handball and ping pong and i stayed that way until a random miracle happened, an old friend i haven't talked to for awhile suddenly comes to my house and gives a CD, its content? a selection of 5k games among some video game emulators that we used to play on ps2 and he then discovered that he could use the cd content to play on pc too but for me it was actually 2 things therapy and a passion, I always liked games but playing these games changed me a lot, made me see the depth and power of a good story regardless of graphics, and quietly increased my passion for writing (or in my case creating mental worlds), games like ff4 and ff6 (my favorite) still have a place in my heart to this day, somehow a bunch of games that most of them were created before i was even born were able to heal my soul from its biggest wound and allow me to go through the whole high school recovering myself, my friend never found out how this random action helped me in a moment so bad.

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sorry for the long text and any mistakes along the way (not my main language), I wrote this to vent and decided to post, I can read and reply to any comments later, but if not, thanks for any kind words and experience sharing