I was going overboard with weed for the last couple weeks. Having to hit more and more, just to feel normal. I had to stop before it turned into something destructive... well that was the idea anyway.

Day one was okay. Day two was torturous for me. Nightmares were back in full swing, suicidal thoughts were echoing through my brain again and this time they were making sure I could hear them loud and clear. Day 3 started to convince me that they might have been right. 

That brings us to today. I broke past the suicidal thoughts but not the destructive tendency. I fought with myself over staying here with my family or making plans to leave them. Nothing dramatic, like disappearing. I was going to tell my wife that there is no way that I'll ever be able to live here and heal. So long as I felt they were in range of me, I would always feel on edge. It built and built throughout the day and I felt like I was actually dying inside. My heart felt like it was crushed and I felt emptier than I ever have.

I gave in. I micro-dosed a rice sized load in a small taster pipe I have. It was enough to push me back up to a point of normal again, or so it seems. It wasn't much and there was no real "high" to speak of. I feel like such a fraud and failure though. If not weed, then it's gambling or sex or video games or some other innocuous thing. Addiction is hell and I'm tired of this hyper compulsive nature to want to explore every facet of the things I enjoy, in as quick a time as possible.