I've been suffering since my diagnosis in 2006, likely longer than that due to not being sure if everything I was diagnosed with started then or was lifelong (OCD, GAD, Depression)

It's also mixed with religious trauma, which isn't in the DSM, and so I've never seen a therapist who's even heard of the diagnosis before, much less knows how to treat it.

I've never worked with a therapist who made a big enough dent in it. I've tried ERP twice but both times they focused on the religious issues, which I think are just too complicated for ERP. Whatever the case, it failed both times and arguably made the religious trauma worse.

I've never been on a medication that made a big enough dent in it. I've tried almost every major OCD medication, I'm currently on Paxil (generic), tried to go on Anafranil (generic) under my new psychiatrist but she rushed me off the Paxil which caused a lot of withdrawal issues, so I barely made it to the Anafranil before dropping it and going back on the Paxil to balance back out. That's the state I'm in at the moment, still trying to balance back out.

This psychiatrist also failed to schedule my next appointment (which would've been yesterday) in spite of telling me (over the app last week) that we'd go over my Gene Site testing on that date. I now don't see her until August 2nd and the only thing she could tell me without seeing her an appointment is that the Gene Site testing indicated that the Paxil isn't the best for me. Great.

Meanwhile I swear the disorder is just getting worse and worse and worse. The morality stuff, which started small in the past, is now literally constant. I can't joke or meme about a person or a show or movie without worrying that the person/creator will have their feelings hurt because of my specific actions.

And things like driving are ridiculous now. It's guaranteed that when I drive somewhere, I'll have AT LEAST two things to discuss with my mom when I come home (which is my compulsion). How the fuck am I literally worrying that I might've had an accident? Am I not sane enough to know for sure that I didn't hit anyone or anything?

Tonight, which is why I'm here, something happened that's too private for me to go into detail about here. But it was the same idea: the disorder decided I had done something real fucked up, even though I don't think I did.

But it was the type of thing where the only thing I have to go on is my own sanity and my memory of the event. And thanks to the disorder, I am doubtful of the memory.

So now I've been sitting here all night, wondering if I did something really fucked up, in spite of the fact that it's very likely that I didn't. Yet here I am, spiraling out due to the fear. "If I could do something that fucked up, I can't be trusted around anyone. I should stop talking to everyone and admit myself to a hospital or something."

I've heard it called "the doubting disease." That must be what's going on here. But I can't remember the last time I felt such a genuinely deep doubt over my actions before.

I think, I think everything went fine. I don't think I did anything that the disorder is accusing me of. But I don't know for sure, and when the anxiety and OCD is strong enough, I'm genuinely not sure what happened at all.

I feel like this is only going to continue getting worse until I'm just completely unable to live. I don't want to go to an in-patient thing or whatever because a) they likely won't accept my state insurance and b) if everyone has failed to help me up til now, what makes an in-patient place any more likely to help?

I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm thinking of just trying the Anafranil in spite of how much I'm starting to hate the new psychiatrist. Which doesn't seem like a good idea. And, again, I've tried almost every OCD-treating antidepressant in the past, as well as other stuff like Effexor. What the fuck are the odds that this medication will be the one that fixes things?

Forgot to mention, current therapist is laying the groundwork for cognitive behavioral stuff, which is not helpful enough, not strong enough to help when this shit is going down, and is fucking leaving in September anyway, making him AT LEAST the fifth therapist I've seen to leave mid-treatment. Amazing.

I need help and I'm scared.

For what it's worth, I'm in NJ, south jersey, my insurance is United Healthcare under NJ FamilyCare (Medicaid).

At this point I'll fucking pay sliding scale if the person has any chance of being able to help. But I went to a doctoral student or something at UPenn for some sort of fast and rigid ERP treatment that didn't help (it was focused on the complicated religious issues but still).

If THAT couldn't help me, I don't know what can.