It is January 4. I have my plan. Rope around the neck at home. I got the rope already. 7m to be sure. I have my letter, with personal data that might be needed. 

There is one last  chance for me. At january 4th i will be going to see a doctor. The last one. The past 4 years i have been going in and out of doctors offices. MR scans,ultrasound,lab tests bunch of useless stuff. They found nothing. Nobody knows whats my problem. I have been to the very proffesional legendary level doctors. And they all told me the same. They dont know.

I'm such a burden now. I cant do the things i'm supposed to do. And i wont fail again because of my depression. I have been in therapy. Did everything to get better. But i just cant do it. Luck is not on my side.

I cant take another doctor telling me they dont know how to help. University exams are coming in january. I have failed uni for the past 2 years but this semester i went back because i thought they will cure me. I had a big operation in september with the hopes of getting better. But it just didnt help. All for nothing. I studied so hard for the first time in 3 years. And it was for nothing.

I'm in the same hole. I tried everything. And nothing worked.

The only thing i'm sad for is when i hang myself my mother will be the one who finds me. But even that is acceptable now. She didnt liked me that much. They didnt asked for me. I was always an intruder in my own family