I have been Unmedicated a lot due to me finally being sober for two years straight. I was addicted to heroin so I wasn’t able to ever stay on meds and I’d also think “ I don’t have an issue anymore I grew out of it!!!” Finally at the age of 22 I will be getting my brain scammed and will be given medication that I hope will work. I am scared that the medication won’t work due to the fact that medication only is efficient in about 35% of cases... I will also be making life changes but how the fuck do I make life changes with the same mentality I have now???? Do they think I haven’t thought about that 47 thousand times? I had a fucked up childhood filled with abandonment and abuse from a narcissist mother and a dad who would smile and say “nice” if he won the lottery and Beyoncé showed to his door step. Two polar opposites. I love my dad more than anything and understand he can’t show emotion well because hey me too :) I’m either too full of it or have none at all. I self harm and punch things so I break my wrists on purpose. I punch myself in the face and dig my nails into my thighs when I’m upset. I get upset over scenarios I make in my head and start thinking they are real. I can’t keep a job longer than a month, my longest being 8 months. I have 10 different emotions all day long. I never have been able to function and I’m scared I will go to get help and I will be unfixable. I won’t be able to live if this is how life is forever. I want to stay and change lives and help people in need... I want to stay but how can I if I mentally emotionally spiritually and physically exhaust myself? I am my own worst enemy and that’s the scariest thing to live with. 
It’s never ending.