I have to go to this psychiatric ward thing for 5 and a half hours a day, every day, for the next 2 weeks, and that means i’ll be missing the only classes that i actually have friends in. Tv shows, movies, youtube, video games, hanging out with friends, literally nothing entertains me anymore. So when i’m home i’m pretty much just stuck in a mental prison with my own thoughts bouncing back and forth and spiraling. I broke up with my girlfriend 2 days ago because i was “bored” and my mood was horrible at the time, and i don’t really have an excuse for being an asshole like that besides the BPD, but that shouldn’t just be an excuse for how i am all the time. and i fucking  hate how irrational i can get sometimes, and what sucks is i KNOW its irrational thoughts, but the emotions are still there and i can’t do anything about it. I’ve completely given up on school, i don’t turn in any assignments and i just put random answers for tests. and my teachers feel bad for me and always try to help me catch up, and i say no, which makes me feel like shit because they’re just trying to be nice and do what’s best for me, yet i decide to just be so stubborn. Alot more shit has happened to me the past couple months but this is just the recent stuff. But even after all that, i wasn’t sad for once yesterday, i wasn’t happy, but i atleast wasn’t sad. So i told myself “Matt, come on let’s get something done today, let’s go for a run or build something, just something productive for once! 😊” , so i ran for a little bit, and came back home. Side Note: one of the only things that makes me happy anymore is losing weight and weed. So i decided to hit up this dealer that i had added from my friends snapchat, i told him what i want, and he came by my house. I walked up to the car, there were 2 ppl inside, and he asked to see the money, so i said “yeah but can i see the stuff first just to see that you got it” and then he opened the glovebox and pulled a gun on me. i don’t even know if it was real but it shook me so i gave him the money, he drove off, and i just stood there watching the car drive away. I felt angry, sad, and completely humiliated. The one day i wasn’t wallowing in despair all day, the one day i actually try something for once, and this happens. Every single time i try to get up, life just keeps pushing me back down, and i’m tired of it. i’m just gonna stay down from now on, i’m tired of trying over and over and just failing every single time. Why can’t i just be happy?