I have been spoken to like I wasn’t and sexual assault victim myself as though it didn’t matter and I wasn't supposed to have feelings. As though I am not allowed to have my own battles but everyone else can bring their problems to work and it not be an issue. 

I have started to feel as though I’m being put up for failure due to the fact I keep being told “you just need guidance” then M. only pointing out everything wrong with me. Yet never receiving the guidance that I am told I need.

I was even told I hide my bodily insecurities with my humor, yet M. says they can read people really well, but it’s my trauma I hide with humor. It’s my mind that I’m insecure about not my body. I am very comfortable in my body but, not my mind.

All I want to do is a good job and the others are making it difficult because I can't process frustration as others can. Especially when they won't meet me in the middle. When people don’t work with you and meet you in the middle it makes you feel like you are in the wrong and need to conform to their ideals. 

When I had my mental breakdown it wasn't truly about not being paid it was more about the fact that I was treated as though I wasn't allowed to bring up serious issues because someone going to feel attacked. Yet they can say untrue things about me and I’m to let it roll off my back. I feel as though I need to censor myself in every way even during a breakdown. 

Getting an STD after consenting to sex in my opinion can’t cause PTSD it’s not traumatizing it’s treatable with medication. Sexual assault isn’t. When I tried to talk to M. about the tinder date gone wrong (the most recent assault) when he held me down on his bed and I froze, I was told ‘That's why you don't f\*\*k on the first date.’ Although when T. had came forward and had a meltdown about getting an STD after hooking up with someone. They were met with the uttermost support and kind words. I no longer consider T. my friend they are an acquaintance because I will not fan into the self-thrown pity parties. No matter which way you put it; it is a double standard. 

When I was first raped I tried to talk to my friends about but instead, they took his side. I was completely and utterly alone. I had no support no one to speak to. When I started at SPS it seemed as though everyone helped each other, but that was short was lived as many, many issues started arising. I found I was mistaken in thinking I could open up to M. the one who forced me to speak during my breakdown.

I was told to notify M. by M. If I noticed D. and P. together, especially if one had called out of work. Then weeks later I had informed M. of the two officers being together and was brushed off and asked why I had a target on their backs. Yet again I felt as though I was set up. Like the many times, my mother had set me up to be her personal punching bag, but instead of physical abuse; its mental abuse from coworkers. 

In my first few weeks, I was under the impression M. did not pick and choose favorites. I was very wrong because soon I was no longer the shiny new toy. I was tossed away as if I was the garbage left on the floor of a car. Only to be stepped on and pushed aside for feet to be put in their place, or in this case brand new boots. 

I believe I wanted to go back to SKS because I went off in my own made-up world and went unnoticed. L. and G. were the only ones who did notice me and learned who I truly was so they were included in my little world and I do miss their company and do talk to them still. It’s never going to be the same. The other females all had issues being attracted to the men. I did not have those issues, because I had time to think up my own little world and had no thought about the men/boys I worked with. I had only found one male I worked with attractive. He then showed how truly an ass he was. I will not go into detail about O. because it was unconfirmed whether it was true or not. I will say it was T. who told me the supposed things he stated about me. T. be the former friend turned acquaintance.

In my world, everyone got along for the most part but yes there was conflict otherwise I would have been bored out of mind with the world. My world existed around the real world it kept me sane. Now I’m starting to wonder if it was just the start of schizophrenia because I’ll see things that aren’t there and feel stupid like the toilet paper rolls in the bathroom at 6.22. There were the two bottom rolls that needed to be replaced. When I came back with the two rolls only the bottom needed to be replaced. I opened the roll holder and found one of the rolls on the top needed to be replaced; so that made one on top and one on the bottom that needed to be replaced. I was so sure it was the two rolls on the bottom that needed to be replaced but it wasn’t. 

I was forced to talk again today and I held the tears back for as long as I could. When they started to flow they didn’t stop. It was like they were trying to force me to talk about the trauma I endured even when they knew I didn't want to talk. Then they spoke about me as though I wasn't there listening saying I was shutting down. I was but it was because of them. 

Then came the topic of the tinder date gone bad and I had brought up what M. had said to me when I tried to talk about it. They denied everything saying they had never said such a thing even though they did; they got angry when I tried speaking up about it. 

P. had eventually brought me to the side away from M. because they could see the pain and struggle I was going through to defend myself and that I was giving up on trying. P. told me M. doesn’t understand sexual assault the way D. does. P. believed me in everything I said it was reassuring to know at least one person understood. M. also accused me of coming for their job but my roommate has heard me say on multiple occasions mention I’d rather be demoted than be promoted. M. had said 3 officers had said I was trying to get their job. I didn't care that I was promoted to Sergeant I was fine being a normal officer. 

P. had also mentioned in a heavy tone that they had all failed in helping me become the leader they knew I could be. M. sat silent when P. said that and acted offended thinking they weren’t a part of the problem.  When I tried to open up to C. the night before this talk with M. and P. I felt they were the only ones I could trust and talk to and now the trust is gone. C. told everything to M. even when I finally thought I could trust someone I couldn't not anymore. After all this time I'm still very much alone. In every aspect of my life.  

Sergeant KP.