I’m not officially diagnosed with BPD, I’m currently in my early twenties. During my late teen years several psychiatrists wanted to evaluate and attempt to diagnose me because of a deep suspicion that I might have BPD. This was mainly due to my destructive behavior that was steadily getting very out of control. At this time my parents decided this was not a good idea and put a stop to it. Leaving me confused and in the shitter.

For several years after this I managed to hold a steady and healthy friendship with a group if people and even got into a long term relationship. However during pandemic times, due to a lot of stress and societal blunder this year cost me my relationship and many of my close friends as they moved away in search of new experiences following a lot of isolation.

It’s now been about two months since all of this and I am truly struggling to keep my life together, I am progressively getting colder and colder as a person whilst also acting out more and more in attempts to make new connections due to extreme loneliness.

I feel like I’m losing my grip on my own humanity and as if I’m slowly becoming some form of cold and aggressive shell of the person I ca and have been. Each day I wake up is a struggle between reasonable behavior and going out all night with strangers and doing all kinds of stupid shit.

I’ve abused both alcohol and drugs, primarily coke, benzos and a bunch of other party drugs(E, Acid, Ket).  I don’t necessarily feel a need to consume narcotics, but it has become a part of the attempts to always surround myself with distractions.

I don’t know if anyone here has been through something similar, but currently I just need some hope to cling to.

Thanks for any advice given 🙃