i’ve been without a close friend for awhile. really my only friend is my boyfriend. and he doesn’t really have other friends as well, but he seems to be okay with that. i am not, i am constantly looking for new people to talk to. i feel very lonely. a bad habit of mine is reaching out to old friends, and a lot of them i have a cycle with. we talk for a bit and then something happens and they block me or maybe i block them idk but then i come back and i have a good (text) convo for like a week and then they’re gone. or it’s a dude i used to have a thing with in the past (nothing now but again i have a habit of just texting people i already know and used to be friends with, it’s just easier idk why i do it tbh) and my boyfriend gets mad (understandably so) so i stop talking to them. 
i recently started my first new job in four years and moved an hour away. so, a fresh start. and i’m realizing how much my bpd plays a role in my work life and work relationships. i have no self confidence. i’m embarrassed of everything i do. just standing there makes me feel shameful. when i say something that kind of shows my personality and i don’t get the reaction i want, i want to curl up and die. but everyone else around me is weird and themselves and i admire it so much. i think my issue is i’m too scared and nervous to continue any friendship. i assume everyone is annoyed by me. i got bumble bff and still felt annoying trying to further friendships. i need the confidence to ask people to hangout or do something but that would also be an extremely dreadful situation for me, to actually meet up with them and hang out lol. bc again i’m so embarrassed to be myself, which is weird because i actually think i’m pretty cool and funny. 
so naturally, i enjoy online friends. but again, i can’t keep those. those typically get closer, much faster, for obvious reasons of less anxious to talk to someone through a phone. but i can be more myself. and then the people don’t stay as long. i seem to be extremely unlikable once you actually get to know me. my bf im pretty sure has undiagnosed bpd so i’m sure that’s why he’s stayed with me so long, he unhealthily can’t leave. i appreciate him for it though. 
i genuinely don’t know what to do about wanting friends so embarrassingly and pathetically bad but not being likeable enough to get any/keep any. i’m so bored with life and that just makes me more suicidal lol. this is just a rant i guess. idk, i feel like the only one who has no one, but i know a lot of people feel the same.