&amp;#x200B;

Triggers: suicidal thoughts, depression

&amp;#x200B;

I've always had anxiety, since I can remember. As a child I was constantly worried about my parents dying and I had a really bad fear of darkness.

&amp;#x200B;

It didn't help that my father thought my fear of darkness would just go away on its own if I keep being exposed to it, and so I wasn't allowed to keep a light on in my room at night. The village we lived in didn't at that time have any street lights, so the room was pitch black, except for occasional moonlight. I remember some nights where I would sit up in my bed for hours, with my eyes open as wide as I could, just to be able to see anything in the darkness. If I turned the light on, I could go back to sleep, but as soon as my father would wake up and see the light in my room being on, he'd get really upset at me and turn it back off. These long nights are probably the worst memory of pure terror and hours-lasting anxiety that I have. 

&amp;#x200B;

Fast-forward to my teenage years, I had extremely strong social anxiety. I had few friends, and was bullied by the cool kids.

&amp;#x200B;

At uni, I mostly studied really dilligently. Didn't relly go out or do fun stuff because of the social anxiety.

&amp;#x200B;

I ended up moving away from home (another country) and doing a PhD. This took me over the edge with the high workload and pressure to perform, a difficult breakup, plus some financial worries and then my grandmother passing away in my 2nd year, sent me in a downward spiral, where I ended up severly depressed and planning to commit suicide.

&amp;#x200B;

With no money to afford therapy, as a very last resort, I decided to follow my GP's advice and started taking Citalopram 20mg.

&amp;#x200B;

After a few weeks this has worked wonderfully for me and my depression was gone. After a while I started noticing a major side effect: my anxiety was also gone, and most of all my social anxiety was now nonexistant. I made a lot of friends in that time and took up opportunities I would have never dared to if not for this new lack of social anxiety.

&amp;#x200B;

After 2 years or so, I started wanting to stop taking Citalopram however. On it, I was completely devoid of libido and unable to have orgasms. I also lost the ability to cry, and generally missed some of my deeper emotions. I wanted to be able to feel sad, when it was appropriate to feel sad, and I simply couldn't. I was indifferent, most of the time, to everything. 

&amp;#x200B;

I did eventually go off Citalopram, and that process was not pretty. I experienced severe witdrawal, with the infamous "brain zaps", and promised myself I would never do this to myself again (starting a medication that has a withdrawal like that).

But, when I was planning never to take meds again, I had forgotten how it felt to live with anxiety. And maybe I was unconsiously hoping it wouldn't come back. But now, a year after I stopped taking it, it has come back, big time.

&amp;#x200B;

I don't wan't to live constantly struggling to do basic things, and that's how my life feels at the moment. I cannot imaging living like this for the rest of my life. But if the alternative is being on meds that make me numb to emotions and unable to have a sex life, this becomes a difficult choice.

&amp;#x200B;

Just wanted to vent really. I have no idea what to do.

&amp;#x200B;

tl;dr I had anxiety. I took Citalopram for depression and it cured my anxiety too. I went off Citalopram because of side effects and now my anxiety is back.