

About 4 years ago after being diagnosed with severe depression and a burnout, I was diagnosed with bpd when I started therapy. I had a bad experience with my first therapist and therefore completely discarded the diagnosis because I felt like they fucked up. 
A psychiatrist later diagnosed me again but since I had already decided it wasn’t true, I just put it aside and pretended it never happened. 

I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years now and have always been very fond of him. A few issues came up on my part; trauma, massive intimacy issues, etc. He’s very supportive and understanding and I really felt I had found my person with him. We’ve been in a weird situation lately, we had to move back in with our parents after losing our house and now since 2-3 months he has found a job here and is living with me at my dad’s house. There’s a lot of pressure and stress on this situation and I’ve tried my hardest to fix it. It’s been hard but at least we’re together. 

A few weeks ago I lost my job as well and it worsened my mental state even more. I made a post on r4r cause I felt like making a friend and having the world seem a bit bigger (I’m assuming I did this as a means of escape). I started talking with someone and we still are. I haven’t told my boyfriend. I wanted but this person has sort of expressed an interest in me and now I feel like I can’t say anything cause it’ll look bad and hurt him. All I know is I’m enjoying talking to this person and I don’t know want to stop. I just hate myself for getting in these kind of situations all the time and doing something that might possibly hurt my bf. 

I’ve always had the feeling that if someone liked me, I must have manipulated them into doing so and this came up while talking to this Reddit person. It reminded me of the diagnosis I got years ago and it suddenly hit me; they were absolutely right. I’ve been reading about it and the more I did the clearer it became but I’m really struggling to accept it. 
When I’m in a bad state of mind and feel trapped, I start dissociating and I’m afraid I’m splitting on my boyfriend. 
I really don’t want to cause I was really happy with him but it feels irreversible. 
I’m constantly spending my time alone and telling him I need to be alone cause I’m struggling. When I am spending time with him I feel on edge and a massive pressure to be cuddly or lovey dovey (which I simply am not so much as a person but it’s getting worse now) and it’s fueling the splitting. 

I’m really quite new to the bpd thing and what it actually means. Is this relationship doomed? Is it just my state of mind causing this or did I just fall out of love? Should I maybe not be in a relationship at all? I know I’m not exactly being very clear about what’s bothering me but I’m hoping to get some advice or talk to someone that has had similar experiences. 
I’m too much in my head and I can’t explain it to anyone. I’m really afraid I’m gonna hurt someone again.