 **TLDR: Ex fp is awful, broke things off with her, got fucked over by mental illness, lost most of my friends and now my symptoms are worse than ever, but somehow I’m still here?**

A vent because I'm emotionally drained and I don't want irl peeps to know this, but I still wanted to talk about it (finally!!!)

2019 was one of my worst years (I hope it stays as my worst) Prior to that I was going through an extremely toxic friendship breakup. It was very bad, that person was my fp for 3 years

For context, I have quiet BPD. I was diagnosed at 18. 

Ah yes, my ex fp. We were highschool besties. I gave so much to her, I did all her homework for 3 years. I worked under her family and I was severely underpaid. Like 10 AUD/hour, but I didn’t even care. I did all this so she would like me as a person. I was so scared of being abandoned. 

We were insanely close for a year until she started becoming hot and cold towards me. This is the beginning of 2019 and we both just started uni. 

Many times she would put me in uncomfortable positions that triggered my intense emotions. Interacting with her brother was one of them - he hated me for some reason and because of this, I avoid him like the plague. I know he hated me because I heard him say that I was ‘nothing but a disgusting leech from china’ when he thought I wasn’t there. Despite this, she would say I am selfish for not hanging out at her house (where her goddamn brother is 24/7) and guilt-tripped me to go. Every time I saw her brother, I went into a massive panic attack. She knows this. Every time I decline and she got so mad at me and said a lot of awful things.

There is way more stuff but I don’t remember specifics. It is strange because I swore I would never forget how she treated me when we ended things. But here I am. It's like someone dragged a fog over my memories. The most I remembered was how I always forgave her when she said she didn’t mean to hurt me. I would tell her that this hurts me and to stop doing it, only to have her do it 30 more times. 

While this is doing on, I developed hallucinations.  It started at the beginning of that year and slowly got worse as my mental health deteriorates. I could see and feel bugs crawling everywhere, on my skin, in my skin, on the walls, etc. But when I turn to look at them they would disappear. I also heard knocking at the door. It starts with one person knocking and it rapidly increases to at least a dozen people pounding on all the walls surrounding me. Including the goddamn ceiling. It was so terrifying

But I was a broke uni student - aint got no money or time to go see a doctor about these new symptoms. I also stopped going to therapy that year because of family reasons 

Anyways, back to things with my ex fp

My last straw was how she got me fired because she got into a fight with her dad and used me as leverage. She said she is sorry and she didn’t mean to, only to tell all our friends how I stood up the job and how irresponsible I am. She later told me that she did it because she didn’t want anyone to know she got me fired

I must have forgiven her 100 times by now, but at that moment all the love I had for her died. I realized she never actually cared about me. She claims she cares but all her decisions said otherwise

It is not even necessary for her to lie, I wouldn’t have told anyone how I lost my job. But she just did it because ‘just in case’. I felt so betrayed and the was the moment I knew I need a break from her. I told her I would talk to her when I am ready

One mutual friend of ours called me after a week. She said my ex fp has depression, is self ha\*ming and threatened to commit su\*cide if I refuse to reconnect with her. She also told me my ex fp told her to tell me that ‘this is \[my name\]’s fault’

I don’t know how to perceive this. This is because she told me she didn’t believe in mental illness and thinks anyone who has one are attention whores. She laughed at my symptoms as just ‘being edgy’ before. This time, I don’t know if she is lying or actually telling the truth. My anger got the best of me, and I yelled at her for using this as leverage when she knows damn well what this meant to me. This is a very sensitive topic to me as I had many attempts. I was so angry and honestly, at that moment, I hated her more than anything. The quiet BPD in me has changed and turned into a wildfire. All I want to do is hurt her like she hurt me. If that confrontation happened face-to-face I am pretty sure I would have punched her straight into the ICU

I proceed to fall into one of the worst episodes I ever fucking experienced in my whole life. To this day I don’t really know what exactly happened because I could only remember bits of this. I could feel myself losing touch to reality and at that point I knew I am in danger (even though I am already fully seeing and hearing shit for 6 months) I distinctively remember reaching out to my friends for help - to be fair I didn't say much, I just said my mental health is going to hell - only for one to hang up on me, the second to tell me that ‘its the same for everyone’, the third one to say I didn't try hard enough and that’s why I am now struggling .... etc etc

Anyways.....that was the last clear memory I had, because I proceed to dissociate so hard for 2 or so weeks that I didn’t even know what happened. Basically when I woke up I had $6 left in my account (Looking at bank statements I think I spent it all in nightclubs for booze,,,o dear)

I had no money for food and I have spent all the money on gods know what. So I proceed to spend the few months surviving on free society food from uni (I joined a free food society, thank god). I basically cut off all my friends after I came to realize how they just....left me in the dust to suffer alone

(Except for my one friend who was still in high school, and my other friend in hong kong who didn’t know wtf happened)

Obviously there is also the trauma from ending my friendship with my ex fp. I would go into a massive panic attack when I see the letter S. It was awful. It gave me feelings of horrible horrible dread. Felt like I was a small animal hunted by a predator. Idk how but I somehow managed to slowly get through it and now I can mention this entire story without even feeling sad or scared for my life. GJ @ me!

After a while I calmed down and reconnected with some people who I chose to give them some credit - these are the people who didn’t know how bad I can get. But to those who know and left me alone to suffer. I cut them off. I blamed them at first, but eventually for my own sake, I forced myself to not stay mad. Looking back I wished someone could have at least checked on me before I decided to pour all my savings down the drain

This entire thing basically started in february and ended in december. I came out of this with a completely different personality - not even joking. I lost all my softness. I used to be way more empathic and loving than this, now I kind of developed a revenge mindset on the world. My mood swings are way worse too, my violence and anger is a lot more intense than it used to be. My alcoholism also became 10 times worse. Fuck.

Also I realized that I actually have no friends, rip.

Well, yea, there’s that

2 years later people still ask me why I cut those people off, I just tell them that people come and go. I can't think of a good way to explain all this shit in 10 seconds.

If anyone actually read this, thanks. I wrote this for venting purposes. It feels good to finally get this off my chest. 