I have good reason to believe I have BPD, and I want to get a diagnosis to validate myself. People often tell me I’m just moody, which is true, but I hit most of the check points in the DSM. 

I know people have very strong confirmation bias when they think there is something wrong with them and they resort to google, so I want to seek a psychiatrist and get professional advice.

It’s very hard for me to seek help because when I’m having a “episode” and I finally decide to seek help, the amount of time it takes me to search up a psychiatrist is enough for my mood to completely flip and I feel silly for being upset. It’s been a vicious cycle. Lately it’s been getting worse, I’ve taken up to cutting, and I’ve had more suicidal thoughts than I’ve had in years.

Yesterday I had a very bad tantrum. I went to go get a haircut from my barber, and before even listening to what I was going to say, she just went ahead and started cutting. I wanted to speak up, but she was in a conversation with someone else the whole time and by then it was too late. She cut my hair like she did last time, but I wanted to grow out my hair. It was really a minimal accident, but I was in extreme anger. I did what I normally do to relieve stress which is just punch something, but it wasn’t enough so I punched my head relentlessly and started cutting my left arm.

I woke up around 8 pm and my sister came to check on me and asked “how are you feeling?” I badly wanted to tell her how much I think I need help, but all that I said was “I feel good.”

It’s like half my mind is telling me I’m fine and I’m overreacting, but the other half sees my arm and tells me it’s not normal. I’m torn, I’m too prideful to ask for help, I don’t want to burden my family (we don’t have insurance). I’ve had my entire family read my suicide letter before, and it was the worst experience of my life; it’s a nightmare thinking I’m gonna have to delve into it again to get help. What should I do?