This is a throw away, but I thought I could get support from this sub. 

I overdosed about an hour ago for the third time. I’m really bothered that I won’t be able to use again, but more so, I’m bothered that I am not more bothered by the fact I almost died.

I know it’ll be the death of me, but I either love life and want to live forever, or hate life and want to die. So where does that leave me with the will to be sober?

Also, I use with someone whose relationship is very important to me. And I’m worried what will become of it. If I decide to stop, and they don’t (or vice versa), I’m worried we won’t be able to be in each other’s lives. 

I’m very confused and can’t make sense of my feelings. I just wanted to vent so thanks for listening. 