I don't know if this will do anything, I just started getting treatment again and overall have been doing better, I guess I'm trying not to breakdown too much. Before my mom died, she left a voicemail, I recorded that voicemail and uploaded it to SoundCloud. I even downloaded onto my laptop for safe keeping.

I found out today when having a conversation with a relative, I brought up a tattoo idea I wanted to get using a sound byte from that recording. I realized as I talked about it, that my memory was hazy and I felt this feeling that I'd deleted it at my worst. I did, I fucking did and I have no way of ever redeeming that. Not only did I take this away from me but I took it away from other people who cared about her in one of my selfish spirals.

I can't help but feel shitty, my relative assured me it was ok but I, I'm not so forgiving of myself, especially for something this serious. Not only that, but now, I'll eventually forget her voice, something I intended to use the recording to stop.

I fucked up so bad, yet again, and I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself for this. No amount of words will make it right, no amount of assurance, once a fuck up always a fuck up.