Even though I stopped with my bad coping habits, the first thing my mind does is wonder to them and I have to fight myself not to take action.

Even though I got a job, I’m an awkward piece of shit when it comes to socializing, and I hate myself because I can’t perform as well as those who have been working there for *months* before me.

Even though I’m trying to eat more again, my anxiety and depression messes with my appetite, so I’m still weak, underweight, and nauseous.

Even though I pulled myself up and out of my symptoms for a few months, all it took was one unfortunate event to shoot my life back down again.

Even though I drown myself in self-help DBT, the progress seems extra slow and I start hating myself for not being able to afford therapy.

Even though I’m on my best behavior, one slip up causes arguments and people feeling tired of me because they’ve dealt with “crazy” me for such a long time.

I

Am

Tired

But I’m constantly TRYING.

Everything feels overwhelming. One slip up triggers everything else I’ve worked on to start crumbling. But I still scramble to get myself together while people claim I’m not trying hard enough or that I don’t actually want change. I probably try to change for the better WAY more than any of the people who say this shit to me do even though I’d prefer to just not exist. Fuck it all.