I’m still not strong enough to swallow my emotions when they come on, especially when talking to my mother. Tonight she started to remind me of the importance of a certain task I havnt completed (I have a lot of anxiety, I know the consequences if I don’t get it done and I’m 30 years old with my own son…). I started to ask her if we could please not talk about things I need to get done and keep verbally reinforcing how important it is, because its my biggest trigger (this is my first time every trying to stand up for my feelings and try and prevent an argument). Nope, he face went cold and all of a sudden her “nose is in the air” (that’s the best way I can describe her body language) telling me idk what to say, I don’t understand how you could feel this way (I told her that reminding me to do something is one thing, but it makes me feel stupid and worthless when my “failures” are pointed out. I feel like I’m failing as a person because I can’t meet the worlds expectations and I’d rather just not talk about it. It’s not a mean thing to say, there’s other stuff we can talk about but instead my mother became insulted, naturally I snapped and started screaming, sorry for having fucking emotions. I’ll leave, I forgot we’re not allowed to cry under your roof, you don’t allow emotions in your home. Low blow, I own up to that. I said an emotionally charged statement and I’d like to reply, but I also want to be firm - when I express that something is triggering I do expect my mom want to stop but that’s not my reality. When I’m hurt, she becomes the victim and accuses me of blaming her for everything. 

I’m so tired of this. I feel like my mom hates me more then she loves me (if she actually does and it’s not fake empathy, my mom doesn’t have compassion for anyone going thru something, especially if they’re a lower class. It’s disgusting). I know the “cost” of having this relationship isn’t worth it but she’s my mom… don’t we all want to be loved and accepted by our parents..