everyday is the same process of waking up, wishing i didnt exist, and going about the day pretending my mind and my thoughts are not killing me. 

everyday is the same process of going through the motions for the sake of my family, pasting smiles on my face, laughing along with others’ jokes, and trying to study, all while wishing i was dead. all while hating myself. 

i am so lonely it feels like being in a crowded room surrounded by people and yet nobody sees me. its like drowning and reaching my hand and people dont see it. its like my chest is heavy and my lungs are full of water and im screaming so fucking loud but nobody sees me. 

all because my fake smiles and laughs were so effective. its like wishing i had someone to care about me, anyone to just ask me a simple question such as “how was your day” or “how are you feeling”. someone who i can talk to anytime and not fucking overthink that they’re going to leave me too. 

everyday i look in the mirror and i see someone i hate and i do not know how much longer i can go on pretending to be okay for the people around me, keeping myself in check, being hyper aware of my surroundings and people just because i know nobody will care even if im breaking. and i am. i am breaking every single day and yet i go on hoping that things will get better but after 2 years of waiting, i think: do they really? 

i am trapped in my own head. i dont know how to silence my thoughts and i dont know who to talk to or what to do to stop feeling so damn painful and empty and heavy and negative all the time and i dont know if it will ever get better. 

if you reached this far, thanks for taking the time. i hope youre at least having a better day than me.