When I was 8-9 years old we had a dog, Prince, a little Lhasa. On a few occasions I trapped him between a wall and a door because I liked the way he squirmed and yelped. I’d never do that now, I don’t know what was wrong with me. Now (I’m 18) if I heard that I’d cry and hold him and beg him to be okay. I cry if I accidentally squish a lady bug. But then I have these moments where I’m so violent in my head and without conscience. I hear myself saying horrible things, thinking about hurting people. My dwarf hamster killed his cage mate (Same brews, lived together since youth) and I had this anger but I barely showed anything, barely flinched and I almost killed it. I can’t believe it, I love him. I understand that animals don’t and that they’re scared, I don’t hurt anyone or anything. I’m scared, I’m really scared. I just have these moments where I don’t feel like me anymore. It’s not black, it’s surreal. I love animals, I do. I adored Prince, I’d die for him and Winston too and the hamsters. I don’t understand.