Firstly, I'm new to this so I hope I do it correctly. 

I'm Female, 22 and was given a diagnosis around a year and a half ago. Although it was suggested when I was 16. I was diagnosed as Borderline, with some traits of Dis-associative PD (multiple personality), I have a panic disorder and suffer from De-realisation as well as Chronic pain. (Even writing that all feels attention seeking).   
For the past 6 years, I haven't spent any time alone. My fear of abandonment is sooo high that I will ignore when I split on a person, I will ignore toxic traits and awful behaviour, all so I do not end up alone. I was so lost in my BPD mind that I never even recognised that  I was choosing emotionally unavailable and abusive people to enter into a relationship with, feeling so out of control and insecure  I would fall into being dependent on alcohol and drugs to just get through the abuse. This even spiralled onto friends who were damaging to me and clearly used me. Of course these always led to the same result, Trauma.   
For the past 10 months I have been in a healthy, stable relationship. I have started to reflect on my mental health and accept that I have problems to address. My partner is supportive, I mean in a way I didn't feel possible for anyone to be. He calms me down, helps me not to spiral when I'm self hating, he validates how I feel, but not too much and encourages me to be open and honest, he never takes offence to how I feel, he just helps me see things in a much more rational light. I just feel so guilty when I start to doubt him, or those times everything he does gets on my nerves. He doesn't judge me or even see it badly, he helps me see the positives in my illness; like my ability to love him so strongly and my passion for certain things. But I find myself unable to find a balance, he truly supports me and yet I'm always questioning whether it's some sick joke he's playing on me. I get jealous over irrelevant people, I find myself obsessing over people in his past, his intentions. It's so hard to handle and I hardly ever project it on him, mainly because I can just say these things to him, but nothing relieves it. I can stop myself blowing over 75% of the time, but never internally. But the thing that's really getting to me, is whether my own feelings are pure. I have been with people in the past who I have winded up hating quickly, but unfortunately been unable to leave, like when I should, this fake infatuation kicks in and they're suddenly just the best people. I don't feel like this with my SO, I just sometimes get scared that everything I ever feel is just a result of BPD and not an artificial feeling.

I'm just now realising that this is just ranty and doesn't make sense. I just feel like every aspect of how I think and feel is so complicated, I honestly don't understand. I feel like I have no control over anything, like I just float through life doing things and all I can do is look back on it years later and understand why I made those terrible decisions. I'm so tired of being like this. I'm tired of feeling nothing, then feeling everything. I'm fed up of idealising situations and finding myself so emotionally stunted when things don't work out the way I want. I'm fed up of having unrealistic expectations for my partner, and feeling let down and disappointed when I know and appreciate that I'm so lucky to have someone who does as much as he does. But my worst thing??? I'm so so so done with this emptiness. I'm 22, I have no plans for my future, I have no job, no education past school, no hobbies at all, no friends. 

Reading this reddit thread has helped me to know that a lot of people understand how I feel, and/or have felt the same. But I feel more defeated than ever. I've tried therapy repeatedly and as much as I need the help and want it, i always end up flunking it off, I don't even know it's happening. I don't know how much longer i can stay in this pain. My highs aren't even enjoyable, just hyperactivity due to manifested anxiety. I'm so done