I gfet anxious for no reason around perfectly healthy and good people and get extremely jealous of couples for example despite having no sex drive. It must be because I was made fun of as a girl for not having a boyfriend at 16 and got told I will die alone a lot. I get anxious around old friends and just want to run away. Not only abusers. Perfectly normal people. Even my parents and just want to run away to the other end of the world. I tried self isolating (before covid) as a way t ocope and stop street harassment, because I already endured school abuse every single day as a teenager and it still fucks me up, and they don't regret it or care. I now, can't take care or responsiblity for my own shit and blame everyone else, just like I was blamed and made fun of for everything outside of my control (I was made fun of once or twice for drinking water because theu were out of ideas on what to make ufn of me, since ''I wasn't doing anything weird enough'' but the bullying that hurt the most was in the form of smirks, glares and passive agressive behavior or someone throwing or stealing my property. 

My father says I am perverted for avoiding couples cause it makes me feel threateend for my life and I feel better when I ghost people but am fundementaly lonely due to being excluded a lot in school, hated, being seen as annoying, weird and disliked and became needy, clingy and despeate which made people hate me more. People tell me that I am one of those people where nothing is my fault, I am a victi mwith victim complex and everyone else is a moron, and while I do feel like that when I am severely upset and crying, I can't say I feel like that on day to dat basis, but am definetly cautious and afraid of everyone. It seems like anxiety is spreading towards good people too, and I already struggle all of my life with eye contact. I tried to cope with looking at my feet by looking people in the eye but suddenyl I am ''too agressive'' whether i look at my feet or look them in the eye I am shouted at, so what is the point. It is like my entire essence oozes - victimized victim come bully me I won't defend my self. I don't know what in my demensour screams that since I tried to hide it but people can tell