I relapsed badly....

My partner knew from the start about the ones covering my left arm from eight years ago, it's not like he didn't know anything about it. I never thought I'd relapse so I didn't talk much about it at all and he didn't seem too worried. When we got back together after a long time apart he noticed three new ones on my arm, asking if any of them were because of him. I said it was due to getting back with my ex after breaking up, and I was shocked he asked so calmly.

That was about a month ago and with the damage I did not too long ago I couldn't bare let him know, especially with EVERYTHING going wrong because of my complete emotional instability and not being able to offer him anything stable. I could only imagine being honest about it would destroy us forever. I used not being comfortable with sex as a cover due to the location, saying I felt uncomfortable not wearing clothes to bed. As much as I wanted to let him know about some realizations of things in my childhood and teenage years in regards to sex and how it all affects me so strongly to this day... he was having none of it... he couldn't trust what I was saying.

The next morning it got even worse and I wanted to tell him but I couldn't, he said he's done if I'm taking sex out of our relationship because I can't offer him anything else in order to feel close. He's done with the constant up and downs and taking sex away leaves us just as friends he says. I couldn't fight with him, he than asked if I was having an outbreak. I said I'm worried and I don't have an actual reason to be because I haven't noticed anything. This hurt him even more because in his mind I was going to tell him this last and not right away, saying he could of accepted that but "using" all this emotional drama beforehand has caused him to feel betrayed. I've betrayed his trust, I've betrayed his trust in a way he doesn't even know of.

I honestly felt incredibly suicidal all night and all of the morning I was with him, he says he's not dropping me as a person and that he feels sad for me and it hurts him to see me constantly hitting so many roadblocks still. He loves me but having a relationship with me is unhealthy and unsafe for him, we can still be friends and I'm allowed to go up and see him and give him hugs but what am I going to do, live with this forever if we get back together, constantly using professional makeup to cover the scars, waiting for the day I have to use some emotionally drastic situation as a cover up and a lie as to when I did it and why?

I've fucked myself over and I don't even regret the SH. I suppose I should acknowledge how completely fucking emotionally manipulative I've become in regards to the torture I inflicted on myself.