Hey all,

I started this post and debated posting many times, but I'm ready to make the plunge.

I (41m) have been stuck in a deep pit of despair and darkness for about 6 months now. I was on Lexapro for burnout from my career from 2020-2021, no depressive symptoms, just career related anxiety. Lexapro took away the feelings, but I lost motivation in my career, in personal pursuits, etc. After tapering off Lex, I felt alive again. I rekindled a lost romance, received a promotion, etc. That feeling was fleeting. Just 3 months after, the romance started to fade. I became argumentative, riddled with resentment towards a lot in life. My ex and I tried couples therapy and it pushed me farther and farther away. We ended our relationship in May and I felt a darkness like never before. I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts, not because I thought I'd harm myself, but the excruciating mental anguish and loneliness I felt. I began serial dating, trying to get back to things which i formerly found fulfillment in, and nothing worked. I forced myself into routines to break the funk and while I am now comfortable being alone with my thoughts and no longer think of my ex often, the darkness prevails.

I wake up feeling sad, almost like I want to cry without the need to shed tears, if that makes sense. I find joy in almost nothing. There are fleeting moments, like an oasis, where I feel my former self. I'll have a random good afternoon, evening, etc, but it's gone when I wake up. I don't engage in people and go on dates just because I hope I'll find a connection and reason to be excited about life. It doesn't last. I own a home and can't stand being here. I have 2 dogs who I love very much and I avoid engaging with them, shutting myself in rooms. I care for them and they are loved, but avoiding them and walking them, etc, isn't who I am.

My therapist has suggested I have melancholic depression. He's suggested I see a psych. I can't be medicated, I will lose my motivation for my career and potentially my job. I'm a single parent on top of it all.

I am not of risk at harming myself but frequently I think it wouldn't matter if I existed or not save my child and my dogs. Their well being keeps me going, otherwise I'm not sure how much farther I'd slip.

I'm looking for advice, anyone who has dug themselves out of this rut without meds. What did you do? When did you start to feel better?