i just turned 17, and i know what you may be saying “ youre still young youll get your time”, but growing up i was so antisocial and never had any real life crushes, only online. i spent all late elementary and middle school online dating, and it just furthered my loneliness and craving to be held and loved physically. and all that time i completely forgot about and banished the mere existence of a “real boyfriend”. its so crazy now because i never knew such greater intimacy could be held more than the internet. 

i switched schools and stopped online dating mid sophomore year. im now a junior and i finally have physical “friends”. i’ve recently been searching for possible crushes. the first one in the beginning of the school year didnt work. and now, months later im falling for some guy again. only different this time, he never texts me back but said i “clearly wasnt into him” when our friend suggested we dated, or something along those lines. but i do actually have interest in him. im too shy and end up coming off weird to the guys i like, ive noticed. my friend has a partner and i just watch them hug all the time. it makes me feel lonely because i want that so bad.
ive never ever experienced that type of stuff, and it makes me so sad and lonely. its hard to communicate in the first place. i have bad social anxiety and suspect a possibility of bpd. 
the loneliness feels endless and patience for such a thing is something i cannot grasp. i am so upset of having to wake up everyday to the same thing only to be some side character. goodnight.