I had a breakdown triggered out of nowhere yesterday, and it got me silently crying in my boyfriend's arms for around half an hour, before I fell asleep. I couldn't stop thinking about how no one has ever loved me hard enough to want to stay—how people always end up leaving, bonds always end up fading, no matter what I do or what I say. It broke my heart. If *I* loved people so hard, why couldn't anyone in my life do the same in return when I needed it? If i could see all the beautiful things in someone, why couldn't anyone see anything in me worth staying for? It got me spiralling deeper and deeper, until I felt worthless and undeserving of my boyfriend's love.

But, today, I'm good again. And I've thought, if people leave me, it won't kill me. It's going to make me sick, it's going to make me want to be dead, but it won't kill me. I'm stronger than this. I survived being left by the people most important to me, I survived being left alone to my own devices; *I am stronger than this.* And if people don't love me, it hurts like hell, but it won't kill me either. I can find my own happiness in making people happy. That they don't love me can't stop me from loving them still; it can't stop me from being there for them whenever they need it, even if I'm not a central piece in their life. If I have a single opportunity to make their existence a little better, it's everything I could ever wish for. And I know I deserve to be loved—I know I always do my best, I know I always try to right myself when I fuck something up, I know I'm trying so hard for everything to be alright, despite my disorder making everything so much harder for me. And if people can't realize this, well, that's not on me—but I don't think it's on them either. They're not missing out on something big if I'm not meant to be their person. One day, someone is going to love me so hard they will stay—someone will stay for long enough to love me. I'm scared of getting my hopes up, but i think it's happening with my boyfriend. I think I could be okay, one day.

It felt so empowering, in some way, to realize this. I know this mindset is going to go right out of the window next time I have an episode but, eh. For now, it's keeping the dark thoughts at bay... and I feel like that's a little victory in itself, especially since I'm not in therapy.

I hope some of you will be able to relate to this feeling, and that it can help in any way.