Before i get into it, i will be discussing attempted suicide, self harm, and panic attacks. So if any of that triggers anyone i would suggest not reading on.

For the past month ive been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks, which a lot of the time they seem random. They aren't the worst panic attacks in the world but they happen often. I get 3 on a bad day. There was nothing to start all of this. No catalyst or anything.

This has lead me to be depressed and i started getting the urge to self harm, and on bad days it has even gotten to suicidal urges. Which is really scary for me. I dont want to cut myself, or worse. I have been cutting myself and i keep trying to stop, but i keep going back to it.

But last night, it got really bad. It was 2 30 am the night before school. I couldn't sleep because of the urge to self harm and anxiety. I didnt have my knife on me and since i was supposed to sleep i couldnt do any of the things i usually do to calm down. The urge just kept getting worse and worse. It felt like an itch i couldnt scratch. The urge went from an urge to self harm, to the urge to kill myself. I grabbed my pillow and attempted to suffocate myself. I was panicking so hard that i didnt realise it was physically impossible. The longer i held it the less i could hold my grip, which meant that i could breathe. But i kept trying in hopes that it would work. I eventually gave up because i realised it was pointless.

I was so tired from suffocating myself that the urges stopped, and i snapped out of it. I woke up one of my friends because i was so scared (she was already awake but i didnt realise). I was shaking. Im scared that its gonna happen again. If i ever get the urge im gonna talk to someone about it, but i dont want the urges. Sometimes i feel Im so exhausted from feeling this way i just want to be done with it. But then other times i feel like i dont want to die.

Is this a mental break down? Is this what i am having?? I have no other explanation for why im feeling that way? Can they last a month? Or did i have one and now this is the aftermath??? I just want to be done with this.