It's like I want to tell this to everyone because never allowed to say anything in my childhood. Have a very very stressful childhood. To a point where I want to kill myself at 8 or 9. I hate my childhood so much and I am so ashamed of it.  I realized I could never change it so the better thing to do is to change myself right now. 

Besides, I've been learning so many things lately, but it doesn't make me feel good in any way. I feel like I've been working on the wrong thing, but it will drive me crazy, eventually, it I face whatever it is the problem. Please don't tell me to get a therapist, it's too expensive and I hated the experience talking to them. Now, I know what you're thinking, don't f**king judge me on this, I have the right to say I hate the experience so there's nothing wrong in airing about this. 