It all started last year when I joined an online community. I wasn't really active in the beginning as I'm a little shy but after a couple weeks I started chatting a bit and playing games with the community. I made a lot of friends, but there was one guy who stood out from the beginning.

He was quiet and mysterious, but very charming and sweet. He was also a very knowledgeable guy. I wasn't really looking for love online, but he secretly checked every single one of my boxes. We became friends, but nothing too close - we would mostly just play games together with the rest of the people in the community. Eventually we started DMing each other, mostly in a friendly capacity but there were some subtle flirting from both parties every so often. He became my crush, and at one point I thought he also had a crush on me, but it's quite hard to read tones over the internet so I just decided to wait for a dead giveaway or direct confirmation.

One day he messaged me saying that "something really bad happened but can't elaborate, but I'm extremely sad and very anxious now". Naturally I was very concerned and curious, but respected his privacy and just offered my support. That moment was a pivotal point in our friendship, because that was the day he turned into a completely different person.

He was now struggling with severe social anxiety, to the point where he would avoid hanging out with his IRL friends and just stay in his room all day. Eventually this anxiety affected his online interactions too. He became distant. He started taking days, weeks and even months to respond to my messages. At times I thought "maybe he just doesn't wanna be involved with this community anymore" so I'd give him space and stop reaching out. But he'd come back. Every. Single. Time. He stated that being online made him super anxious so he'd log off everywhere and only log back on when he felt like catching up. I was cool with this as I obviously didn't wanna cause him any more anxiety, but definitely wasn't happy about it and didn't really understand it to be completely honest. I could never see myself purposely ghosting someone I care about, but I guess social anxiety works in mysterious ways.

A couple months later we met in person for the first time. I was extremely anxious about this because a) he lives in a different country so I had to figure out how buses and trains work (he wasn't the main purpose of my trip) and b) it was my first time meeting someone I met online. I asked him how he felt about meeting me the day before and he said he wasn't nervous at all, "just very excited". I was confused. Based on everything he'd told me up to that point about his anxiety, he should've been crapping his pants. I pointed this out, but he just said he didn't see me as a stranger and I made him feel very comfortable. \*sigh\* fair.

The day went pretty good, though it felt like he was more focused on showing me around than actually hanging out with me, but it was still fun. However, right before leaving, I decided to tell him about my feelings for him. I kept it simple and didn't elaborate but was willing to do so if he had any questions. Well... he didn't have any questions. In fact, he didn't have anything to say, because he just stood there completely silent and nonchalant, and after a couple seconds he just kept saying his goodbyes. We hugged in the end and then parted ways. I wanted to throw up. I couldn't stop crying once I got back to my apartment. There's no way he didn't hear it, and I was looking him in the eyes the whole time so that he knew I was being serious. I felt so embarrassed and confused.

It's been a couple months since that day and I can't stop thinking about it (and him). I don't think I'll ever build up the courage to bring it up again and will probably struggle with confessing my feelings for anyone in the future, so I guess I'll just have to live with it and get over it eventually. We're still friends but he's still as distant as before, and still feeling anxious. I'm just tired of pretending that I'm happy just so that he can keep living in his bubble when the truth is I'm now so anxious and all around miserable - just because I don't wanna mess with his "anxiety".