I've found a pattern in my breakdown:

i can hold it together for around 2 minutes and almost parade around thinking "i don't need him"

then for the five minutes after that i can hardly move due to the crippling feeling of remorse and sadness like i have never felt before

rinse and repeat.   
 
It feels like im snapping back and forth from idealization and undervaluation over and over and over and eventually it all just becomes a huge fucking blur. I have no sense of self right now like i'm floating out in space. i am not strong enough for this. 