This might be really, really long. Sorry. I just have no one and I'm tipping over the edge of insanity and suicide. I just dont fucking know anymore. 

During my childhood (11-17) I was diagnosed with BPD, GAD, PTSD, and Depression. I was in and out of psych wards, impatient, outpatient, group therapy, and I went to a behavioral school. Therapy was shoved down my throat every second of every day, and not the good kind. My school had isolation rooms that you'd go to for taking out your phone or swearing, it was basically a psych ward you could leave at the end of the day. I slept all day at school because I had to wake up at 4 am everyday and had therapy for 6 hours after school (yes. 6 hours. 1pm to 6pm) so I went to bed by 10 pm, since it was a 2 hour drive from my house. I rejected all of it. Never listened. Just rejected it. 

Family was weird. Parents not together, didn't live with either, I lived with my nana. She was an alcoholic and would switch from "you're the light of my life I love you" to "you're getting kicked out I'm sick of you"

 I moved in with my mom (worse alcoholic), but she kicked me out so I lived with my dad, that didnt work so I became homeless, stopped going to school and started hanging out with people much older than me, after the second time I went to the psych ward. I was prescribed xanax, and that led to addiction, then to cocaine, and all sorts of shit. My mom gave up on me and was letting me do what I wanted. I'd leave the house for weeks with people I barely new, doing drugs and being pressured into sex by someone 8 years older than me. I was 16. He'd threaten to leave me on the side of the road if I refused. 

While homeless and 16, I was clean from drugs for about three months when I met my now boyfriend. He gave me a place to stay, but was heavily into drugs. We started dating and he quit cold turkey and started to build a life with me. Everything was great, but my bpd doesnt take long to ruin shit. He became my FP and I became delusional when it came to him. I didnt want to fuck it up, so I looked more into bpd and what it is, since beforehand I ignored all my "therapists." 

It all made sense to me somehow and I wanted to change. I started taking meds but they never worked, just made me sick. Nothing worked. My boyfriend told me if I kept taking meds he'd leave me. He stopped me from getting a job but tells me I need one, and tells me everyday I'm psychotic, retarded, annoying, I follow him like a lost dog etc etc. I tell him it hurts but he says I have to fix it myself. It's my fault I'm a horrible person. Everything he hates about me is my bpd, but he tells me it's not real and i dont need therapy. I'm trapped in this house. I have no car or job. And I'm so so exhausted from fighting and being called useless. Not to mention he called me a whore and made fun of me in front of people because apparently that guy I mentioned "ran a train on me" which wasnt true, and invited his best friend to our house for a party once. 

I know he's bad for me, but I NEED him. I cant breathe when we fight, my world crumbles. I cant stand being thrown out. I cant take it. I want a fucking home. I want to feel safe. I want to be good. I want to belong. I've never felt at home, or like I belong. I want to kill myself. I want to scream and just end it. I belong literally nowhere.

 I know this was all over the place but I'm sitting in bed while my life crashes down. Thanks for reading if you did.