I have been self-harming for about the past six years (beginning freshman year hs) due to some emotional abuse at home and dealt with high-functioning depression for a while. When I got to college, I saw a complete 180 with my depression. I couldn't get out of bed most days to even brush my teeth or eat, was slacking on classes, and self-isolating. I finally saw a therapist (only way I could afford it) and got formally diagnosed with depression. I kept struggling into sophomore year fall, where I got forcibly admitted to the psychiatric unit by my therapist because she thought I was trying to kill myself due to cutting on my wrist instead of my thighs (I wasn't, tempted but wasn't). I was diagnosed with anxiety there... I got on to Lexapro, left 4 days later, and 2 weeks into taking the meds, I felt great. I was doing my work, completing weeks old assignments that I didn't submit when depressed, sleeping for 4 hours with the most energy ever, cleaned nearly 24/7, was sociable (social anxiety and introvertedness usually prevented that), and had the creative block I was dealing with for weeks became unlocked! My therapist thought I was dealing with hypomania and I honestly didn't care at the time, I just wanted the feeling to last. 

I met with the school psychiatrist who discussed settled on depression with bipolar disorder being a possibility. The high ended after 3-4 weeks and Lexapro only made me more depressed after that. I was irritable most days, days blurred together, dang near mute when I'd shut down, suicidal thoughts became more frequent, and I sh-ed a few times (which I hadn't done after my visit to the hospital) and got 8 new piercings (3 I had done myself). I didn't feel safe on the meds so I stopped taking it. And failed 2 out of 4 classes (I never failed a class before and will be graduating a year later now) 

I'm trying to explain to my psychiatrist that I resonate a lot with bipolar disorder, specifically cyclothymia. It's frustrating because he keeps insinuating that because I don't smoke, drink, or because I'm not promiscuous that I can't be. I think I'm not dealing with only depression and I really want to understand what's going on with me and I feel stuck with this psychiatrist. 

Even now, I am fairly productive and tend to sleep enough (besides the interruptions caused by the lexapro), make myself look pretty with the makeup and piercings, and create as much as possible but I deal with negative thoughts and still want to die, still fight back the urge to cry in public places, and often dig my nails into my palms and wrists in public since I don't have my blade. I don't have any friends on campus, don't talk to any of my friends at home, deleted my social media, and struggle with maintaining a routine/disciplining myself. 

Do you experience these things as someone with bipolar disorder? I'm not asking for a diagnosis, I just feel like I'm making it up with my psychiatrist even though my therapist supports how I'm feeling and thought it was a possibility as well. Also, if you're a poc did you deal with more challenges with diagnosis in comparison to others?