It was a girl streaming on Twitch. In the beginning, we had awesome contact, but it got progressively worse. With time she put more and more boundaries and after a while allowed me to contact her only via her tiny community’s space

I am super-afraid of double texting and writing much without getting some response in between my messages. However she was responding to my various messages quite a lot, like 80% of the time on Discord. So and I kept being active (buuut now I see that she probably just felt obliged to do so). And was always, like always-always, kind to everyone there

But today she shut me down - blocked on every single platform, even on those we never interacted on. Ghosted me without saying any word. She explained it on a recent stream to her viewers that it was too much for her, that she felt suffocated by me and even a bit threatened. She called it being obsessed with her, and the worst thing is that part is true - I hate myself for getting so attached to others, for being too much to handle. For example I was spending dozens of hours doing her homework and expecting nothing in return. Even worse - I was aware that she probably sees it as weird behavior of mine, but I got so much sympathy for her that I couldn't not offer help

I didn't and don't want to contact her because I respect her privacy and her decision of blocking me. I only allowed myself to send goodbye message during her stream - she deleted it instantly and blocked me (I somehow was not banned yet) Other people there reacted with “yikes” and “take a hint” and she enthusiastically confirmed it with “exactly” ;__; I feel so terrible being seen as some sort of predator by everyone after almost half a year of interacting with them

And she was so relieved, positive and happy. Looks like our “friendship” didn't mean a thing for her. She got all the support from various people on the chat, meanwhile I am a weirdo that has to go and is not welcome by anyone there

This whole situation wounded me to the core, hitting into rejection issues. It confirmed that my fears are valid and that I am not worthwhile nor likable because of my personality and behavior. It's not only this situation - I am longing for friendships and keep losing contacts. I have no closer friends except one that often responds me after days (and this despite her being  glued to her phone all the time :s)

I write all of this cause I have almost no one left to share with. I was counting on that streamer’s community and now it turned out to be just an illusion. I feel completely abandoned