this is my first time trying to write my problems down

i don’t like talking to people. there’s only a few, and i mean a SELECT FEW that i actually can have a conversation with. not even my family. i sit in silence in most social situations, not from anxiety. i find conversation with most people so mundane, blah blah blah whatever. most people take the same 5 things and rephrase them enough to call it “conversation”. most people are able to at least pretend like they care. 

my fake smile is a pursed line that puffs my cheeks out.

if a conversation even has a hint of inauthenticity or boredom from the other person, it’s over. 

when i talk to people i feel unheard. it’s not like i start a conversation by blowing them off, but at the first sign of inauthenticity i fully disconnect. i feel everything that i wanted to say dissolve into “yeah” and “haha”. i feel like i can’t get to know people on personal levels. 

i’m graduating high school this year. i have friends, but everyone still in my life has approached me first. i’ve never had a love life. i drift away from people so easily. i’m the problem but how do i fix myself