I lay awake every night since I was about 8 years old dreading the future with a sense of pending doom regarding losing everyone in my life to their ultimate demise as well as eventually my own. I scour the details in my mind in uncontrollable rumination of how it will happen, getting the phone calls, planning the funerals, living the loss forever and so on. I’ve lost people very close to me already so the fear is not of the unknown but of the KNOWING exactly the pain to come. That on top of the task of daily living. For me, all the other stuff pales in comparison to the inevitable. I try to find comfort in religious and even spiritual ideas of afterlife but I’m the type of person that needs personal proof and I’ve never really gotten that…. Yet. Most days life seems pointless to me to only face the bigger picture, the inevitable. I don’t want to leave this life. I don’t want to start over, if there is such a thing. But really I’ve spent my entire life fearing it, losing joy because of my fears so I also don’t know why I’m so keen on keeping this life either. I guess for the few I love dearly. Anyway I feel for all of you! I wish us all a better happier tomorrow though the possibility is poor living this way.