~I typed the following paragraphs after a panic attack in my notes, I just feel like someone  can relate. Please excuse the grammar. ~


You know sometimes love is hard. It takes so much patience. I admit it’s crushed me in the past. Certain things trigger a fight or flight type of reaction out of me. It kind of turns on a switch in me. I really can’t help it when this is activated. It just overwhelms me with trauma responses. I become critical I become over analytical over words and the way they were spoken or typed or whatever it may be. It’s just really hard. 

It’s really fuckin crazy because real authentic love is finally in my presence but this fucking voice in the back of my head is telling me this ain’t normal that Iove is supposed to be toxic. There’s supposed to be blow out fights. There’s supposed to be days of no contact, days of purposely lagging on each other till one of us folds and texts back and apologize when we are actually both in the wrong. But this time this time around it isn’t like that. 

Yes , I’m still overly critical and fearful , I have no reason too , in fact everything is always resolved and ends on a decent note before I close my eyes. There isn’t days where yesterday’s energy carries into the next day. I don’t dread waking up. I guess those rough days are part of the love deal you know. I’m really trying my best to communicate and I think *my girlfriend * sees it. 

You know what fucking sucks man ? My own head. It’s just I’ve noticed it getting progressively worse. No matter how hard I try it just wants to overthink and just go in loop like an endless ride from hell. What’s been picking up more though is the intrusive thoughts. LET ME TELL YOU THEY ARE FUCKING SCARY DAWG. It’s literally self sabotage to the fucking max . Like my own goddamn head tries to convince me I’m living a bullshit life. My own head is critical of my relationship, my jobs etc. (it really hates I’m unemployed to get a better job and it really fucking hates that I’m in a HEALTHY relationship) 

I’m not sure if it’s a ticking time bomb or what. But literally it’s so hard to elaborate. I really try to talk to *my girlfriend* about it but I’m rather conservative, I rather not be a burden on her (at least that’s what my own head tells me haha). But yeah dude here I am crying my self to sleep scrolling through many amazing and wonderful memories with me and *my girlfriend *, to yk show my crazy brain that what I’m living is good for me. 

It’s sad because I told myself that the only way to shut my brain off is either a bullet or drugs. Idk man I’m just trying. I love *my girlfriend * so goddamn much and it pains me to think of losing her. 1248Am