this is a rant. i’ve prepared myself for the more than likely possibilty that i will either 
a. never post this, reddit will begin glitching on me bc i will have spent an hour editing one post
b. i post it, yay(?) no one views it, or one person or two people do, which feels even worse
c. i end up deleting it either way, and it never sees the light of day again
this post is a bunch of random thoughts strewn together  
hopefully i can hide or delete this in time before anyone lays eyes on it, reddit is glitching now so it’s a possibility. apologies if you come across this.
even writing that section, i tried to convey my thoughts but there’s no emotion. i just got out of the hospital monday.
everyone hates me anywhere i go, reddit, tiktok, instagram, i ghosted everyone and it’s so disconcerting when you see tons of views without likes.
i have two large traumas surrounding technology&amp;social media
one of my “best friends” ended up trying to pimp me out. i let her. we were both fiending for drugs and i thought i was able to go through with it, i thought i would be fine with having 
it’s like my nervous system, which is almost always jacked up since i have constant flashbacks and intrusive thoughts (they don’t even come up with writing this) is completely smoothed over. there’s that meme of the smooth and wrinkled brain, that’s my nervous system.
of course this emptiness gets worse at night, i have been going to sleep very late, sometimes 4 in the morning, it’s more of a combination of the coffee and trauma related thoughts, i feel uneasy without caffeination. 
there’s nothing anymore. i can barely write, it only comes in momentous flashes, i write when feeling strong emotions (memories&amp;triggers or anything trauma related). i don’t really understand the emptiness, it’s like a mixture of nothing and boredom, i can only think of doing impulsive things as my way to feel anything. 
even crying, while writing this, the emotion is there, it’s intense (not bpd intense but just panicked human) and then it’s gone, i’m empty again. empty doesn’t mean hollow or numb, it’s like a full-body boredom. 

i try everything, writing (journaling&amp;poetry), drawing, watching Netflix—
Netflix has been the worse. at first i think i’m interested in something, i think i have my mood figured out, and then, as quickly as i started watching whatever i started watching, i’m bored of it, and i exit out of it.