I am having thoughts of dying again. They scare me because those thoughts give me peace. I DONT want to tell anyone i know about them. Because the last time I did that, I was taken out of school,  put in a psychiatric unit, and went back home for months. I lost relationships, friends, and even myself. I dont know what to do. I have tried to get therapy but there are no therapists in the city. 

I havent EVER felt like I belonged anywhere. I dont feel a meaning to my life. I just feel pain and heartbreak. I want to die with meaning. I want to die with a legacy. The only way to do that is to kill myself. I have no desire to do anything. Nothing makes me happy except getting high. I just want to end it all. But im afraid to. and I dont want to hurt my family. But the thought of killing myself is the only thought in my mind that makes me happy.