CW: Drug use/Substance abuse 


I have myself trapped in an extremely toxic relationship. Everyday it just keeps getting worse and I'm not sure what to do anymore. I don't have any friends with BPD, so it feels like nobody understands why I'm doing what I'm doing and everyone thinks I'm so stupid for staying with him. Maybe if I tell the story here people will be understanding.

Also I'm what's been called quiet BPD, so nobody in the situation knows how I really feel because I keep it all inside.

It started my Senior year in high school. I met a guy in my class and he became my fp. He is high functioning autistic and suffers from depression and addiction problems. He had himself isolated from everyone before we started hanging out, so for the longest time (maybe like 6 or 7 months) he was exclusively talking to me. Most of the time was him venting about his issues and what not.

We became really close, and it's still at a point where I see him everyday. However lately things have really been taking a toll on me. His depression is bad right now, but instead of talking to me and telling me what's wrong like he use to, now he won't tell me because he says I worry about him too much. And on top of that, he's been using drugs to cope with it. He's used drugs before I met him but he was able to quit. Now he's using again, and he's using hard drugs. One time he even drank while on them (I guess I should mention his drug of choice right now is Morphine)

This is very painful for me to watch, and everytime he takes one he swears it's his last but then a couple days later he gets more and begs me not to be mad at him. I already told him it hurts to see him going thru this and he says he knows he needs to stop but he wont. 

And one of the worst parts is the withdrawal, he gets very irritable and snaps at me or says something that makes me feel really bad. I wont speak up for myself and tell him how he's acting or something he said bothers me, I feel like I need to avoid confrontation to avoid him leaving me. So I just take all of it and internalize it, pretend it dosn't bother me when really I'm thinking about him all the time and how he's ruining his life. 

I know none of this is worth my time and energy, but what we use to have keeps me going because I secretly hope it can go back to the way it use to be. I'm leaving for college in 19 days, so I'll be forced to cut things off with him soon, but it's so scary. I'm afraid to be without him, I'm afraid of what he'll do when I'm gone. This whole situation with him is a complete mess, he's not even my boyfriend, but we've had sex a few times. He's always texting other girls too and that really triggers me but that's another thing...

I don't know. All of this probably sounds so stupid and nobody's gonna read this whole thing but I feel like I can't take it anymore, but at the same time I absolutely need it if I don't hear from him for a few hours I flip out.

I just don't know what to do anymore...