**TW: Suicide, Mental Health, Self-Harm**

My best friend committed suicide in August of 2021, and it was very unexpected, a shock to me and all our friends and his family. There were signs, now I look back on it, but at the time, I was so in my own world doing my Masters, I had prior addiction issues so I was working on sobriety (just celebrated a year!), and dealing with my own mental health problems - this was peak COVID time in my city, who wasn't dealing with mental health issues during lockdowns. But **WHY** didn't he tell me what was going on? Were we really best friends? *Why keep this a secret*

I suppose now everything has caught up with me, I'm struggling to stay sober, I can't get motivated with my studies, and reality has kind of hit me hard. I just want my best friend back, you know? The only thing that helps is visiting his grave and telling him how much of a silly idiot he is, and how could he just leave the world like this. I'm angry, I'm sad...I have so many emotions about it, one minute I'm fine, the next I'm not. I guess I just don't know how to feel. It's complicated dealing with emotions when it comes to suicide, because I feel guilty for being mad. I just feel like my world has been turned upside down. But I refuse to say "*suicide is a selfish act"*....I hate that phrase.

He would of been 28 last week, his family made him a plaque on a park bench by the beach with his favourite song quote (From Queen Lana Del Rey of course). I haven't gone yet, I will eventually, but not quite ready to process. I also have a therapy appointment next week so I'm going to let it all out then.

But I suppose I'm asking, bros who have lost a loved one to suicide, or dealt with grieve, what helped you move on?