I love this guy. He loves me. He is my ex from a few years ago. Let's call him Man. I don't want to get too much into the past. Kind of your basic needy chick, emotionally withholding guy cliche, but like with me (needy chick) acting out and splitting. In the time we were apart I used alcohol and sex to cope which led me into a brief, but abusive relationship with heavy drug use. Left that guy, no contact, got clean, lots of therapy, treatment, support. After a few months of clean time I started talking to Man again. We talked everyday via text and maybe a weekly phonecall. It was clear there was attraction, but some doubts even though we have both grown a lot. We agreed to give it another go, but take it slow.

Since that decision shit has been rocky. It's like once we labeled it as "dating" my brain has gotten fucked. I've been chronically anxious. Afraid he will leave. Afraid he doesn't really think I'm attractive. That he doesn't want to spend time with me. That I'm a burden. I'm crazy, etc, etc. I'm not as bad as I was, but I'm not great. I'm still acting out at times. Sending him bizarro fucking text paragraphs about how I love him but I need this and need that and questioning him and accusing him.

I thought I was past that shit. I'm so mad at myself honestly. He loves me. He has told me. We have not had sex yet this time around but we have kissed and cuddled. He is super patient with me. He tries to maintain contact via text or let me know when he's gonna be busy so I don't get worried. He knows about all my shit. I don't think he judges me for it. We've talked in future tense.

But... The bad is ugly. He's dismissive avoidant attachment and I'm anxious af. So we're doing the stupid anxious/dismissive song and dance, push and pull. I've been pushing too hard and he's withdrawing and today he reached a breaking point where he said he wanted to end things. That he couldn't be the person I want or need. And it broke my fucking heart because I love him so much and I've made him feel like he's not enough. At the same time though, I had to call bullshit because who is he to decide what I want and need? So we discussed that. Things that matter to us. Like basic communication needs and jealousy and that sort of thing.

I basically told him he needs space. It's going too fast for him. I'm pushing too much. He doesn't feel secure with me so he's running. Just like when I don't feel secure I cling harder. I told him he has done a lot to accommodate me (he has) and that I need to work to accommodate him. That if space is what he needs I will give that to him because I would rather have distance than not have him at all.

I kind of feel like a fucking sicko master manipulator/kinda pathetic because this is like the 3rd time this has happened and I've convinced him not to leave. And I'm like do I even believe the shit I'm saying anymore? Or am I just willing to do (or say) anything not to lose him? I made the mistake of going on a different subreddit the other day and it was like ppl just talking about how toxic and awful we all are and will never change so that's been in my head... Even tho I know it's bullshit. I do love him. I'm trying to love myself. I want to love myself. I do want to change. I want to make him happy. I want to be happy. I don't want to ruin shit all of the time.

So, all that to say. I need to chill the fuck out. I need to leave him alone. I need to not text or call. He said I could, but I really want to try and just be good on my own rn. I so desperately want to see him and hug him and cuddle with him. Like I'm internally fucking screaming and we just got off the phone like 15 minutes ago. We were supposed to hang out on Friday and I was gonna sleep over and have a cuddle party, but now cuddling is off and hanging out is probably off too. He said we'll get together and cuddle soon. But I'm like I NEEEEEEED YOU. 

I need coping strategies. I need self soothing techniques. Whatever works for y'all to not reach out or act out and that helps you function and focus.