I haven’t rewritten this so many times and honestly don’t have the capacity to write something lengthy. My boyfriend has been extremely neglectful of my needs these past few months and constantly tells me he thinks we should break up but never leaves. With all my tools I’ve gotten from almost a year of DBT I have done what I can to express what this illness is and how it affects my day to day.

I have no been asked on a date in almost a year, not even for my birthday or our anniversary. He always mentioned how money was a problem or that COVID made him uncomfortable doing anything. I want to do just about anything with my partner and he is always going out of his way to make and do plans with people he cares about and not me. Whenever I ask or tell him how this makes me feel sad, he tells me he says he has done more for me than any person. The sadness and loneliness is so unbearable.

Things were driven to extremes when my partner opted to tell me he is going on a trip with a friend out of state. He wouldn’t give me any information for where and when, and I had to pull teeth to so much as get a date for it. I couldn’t help but be jealous because he mentioned he got a hotel for them and I’ve never even met this person… I’ve tried but he hasn’t wanted me to. I did what I thought was appropriate and expressed my discomfort about knowing so little about this trip.. I never told him not to go but told him how it made me felt. He responded by saying I was controlling him and what he does and that I made him feel more worthless than anyone in his life and that everyone else makes him feel more cared for than I do.

The words were so hurtful that I began to grip into my skin and scratch. I felt so alone in the world, so abandoned.. I wanted to die and dissociated/regressed and felt so much trauma from the lack of love. My roommate heard and tried to touch me but I was in a state of panic so I screamed at him to not touch me and go away, and my boyfriend said I was manipulative and an abuser.

He then told me that now he felt guilty and obligated that he had to cancel his trip. Not only that but he had a trip planned with this same person the next day (something I had no idea that was happens until) and told me she would disown him as a friend if he ditched on her so he had to “choose” between her and me. He had little to no concern about how his words effected me and I was extremely hurt so I said “is it really difficult to mention to her that your girlfriend self harmed and that you want to stay home?” As soon as I said this he hit himself, like PUNCHED himself in the face multiple times and sprinted from our home and hasn’t been here in 4 days. 

I am feeling really scared and gaslit and like I can’t safely express if something makes me sad. I never told my partner he couldn’t go on this trip, but I was appalled at his reaction and I’m just so hurt. I have very limited support beyond my therapist and I have no idea what to do.