from my therapist today. I feel very lost. everyone is telling me they’re just trying to help me and doing their bests but my brain still is convinced they’re manipulating me (like mental health workers have my entire life—or maybe just depression brain). my therapist told me it’s all my depression/anxiety brain telling me that I hate them and a lot of the other staff members there. it could be, I mean, I’ve definitely thought about it over the years, but even if I think it’s just mental illness, I still feel that way; nothing changes. I hate them, I’m terrified. the place is so scary and I don’t feel safe at all. ..I’ll be doing school there coming monday. 

I went on a waitlist maybe 3.5yrs ago for a private clinic. amazing therapist, trained and experienced in many important things I need. 1yr after that my gp referred me to a public(?) place and I got in 2yrs later. the first couple sessions were good, and I did a dumb and took myself off the other waitlist. after a couple sessions, the therapist was telling me they have room for me and that I’ll start seeing them regularly. I was so happy and loved how they worked with me those couple sessions. then, they told me they double booked me and actually don’t have room so they’ll introduce me to another therapist in the building. went in to see that new therapist and my previous one that was going to introduce me wasn’t there. did it myself, seen her for like 5 sessions, then she calls me to tell me she’s going on 2 weeks leave. go back for my appt after 2 weeks and she’s not there, they forgot to call me, and no one is covering her. they send me home. I see her supervisor the next day and I’m told she will be back in a month. we have like 3 sessions before the school meeting and there I’m told she’s not coming back for 3 more weeks. 

yesterday was the school meeting and it was bad. I cried so hard the entire time while they bullshitted me. things like, “there’s studies that phones are bad for mental health (really?? no shit).” and then saying “we give the kids regular, supervised cigarettes breaks to ‘help them feel more comfortable’”. cigarettes are the best for mental health, loll. they love to do the “push all the hard info at you at the beginning all at once and then change the subject to something you absolutely love” thing. it fucks with me; I don’t have enough time to process the bad before they change the subject, and then I end up leaving thinking it went well because my brain already blocked out the shitty parts. 

I know I could be in the wrong here. it really could all be my imagination from mental illness, but, it’s not like I have anyone to talk it through with right now. maybe I had the wrong idea about mental health workers or something, but this is all really fucking me up emotionally. maybe I am being completely irrational; maybe I’ve been the cunt all along. all I know is that everyone tells me this isn’t my only option but goes far out of their way to tell me it’s my best option (and all other options are worse). and, I know that I’ll be smoking a lot more cigarettes lmfao. 

I don’t know, anymore. I’m so terrified but everyone around me is telling me I have no reason to be and they’re probably right. I deserve to suffer, anyway. they say it’s going to take work. I don’t think they understand I have nothing left to give. I gave all I had the last couple months and they threw all that work away. it’s just kinda hard to feel like these people care when they laugh about my grandma laughing at me and telling me mental illness isn’t real and that I need to pray. I’ll laugh about it when I’m not sobbing my eyes out wondering why I let myself stay alive this long, now isn’t the time. I’m sorry, this is long, thank you, though. tonight might be a little less rough..