My story 51/M

2 months ago today I tried to kill myself, I had everything set up and ready for a painless ending, made a video saying good-bye, cleaned the house, but then I made one last phone call, and that changed where I am today. Because of a series of unfortunate events, my wife kicked me out of the house, got a court order saying I was a dangerous offender,  got a restraining order against me. I haven’t seen my kids in 2 months, I there will be no chance of seeing them for Christmas.  
Part of me wishes I would have gone thru with the suicide. 
I am now homeless, I lost my job because of all the time off I took, so no money, and I can’t see my kids. 
Why do I have such a self destructive personality?