I'm just venting / looking for support, my therapist is out of town and I don't feel comfortable talking to friends or my partner about this kind of thing. 

I was diagnosed with BP1 earlier this summer. Currently only on Effexor and according to my therapist i need to contact my psych to get on antipsychotics again but i keep convincing myself i don't need them...it's hard enough just taking the effexor.

I have had scary delusions/hallucinations in the past that i was speaking to angels, that i was possessed by the devil, that there were cameras watching me and people trying to kill me...etc... And with medication i came to realize it all wasn't real but now i feel like i did in the early stages of those times. I am spending most days heavily dissociated. Not sleeping much. I will hear faint voices even when no one is around. Paranoid that my partner secretly wants to hurt/kill me. Feel like there's secret messages being sent to me in songs, roadside signs and such. Feels like i can't tell what's a dream and what's not. Everything just feels like static... But i don't want to play medication roulette again. I don't want to spell out my embarrassing mental health history to another doctor and feel like they're judging me. I don't want to be tired all the time and gain weight, I don't want to feel like I'm losing myself to meds even though living like this is miserable. I hate this so much I wish I could just be normal