3 years ago I lost my father and grandfather. My dad had depression and committed suicide only 4 months after I found out he had depression. My grandfather had a brain tumor and died of complications due to that. I saw everyone else around me grieving and extremely upset. I was too but after a few months I seemingly got over it. I went to school regularly (in fact I was back in school 2 days after my dad died), and I got on with life. Then in mid 2020 everything went to shit. I started feeling sad and unmotivated all the time. I didn't talk about it, although I did have a counselor, but I chose to just say everything was fine. I thought I was just upset about my dad and that I'd feel better soon. The weeks and months went on and I felt worse. I started having suicidal thoughts and lost concentration in school. I kept trying to push through, but eventually I couldn't. I started persuading my mum to let me stay off school and even faked having covid at one point to stay out of school. I've always had issues in school as I have autism and am sensitive to noise as a result. My autism, on top of these feelings make school a living hell. The only thing that makes it slightly better is that I have some great friends and that I do well academically. I'm not sure what caused these feelings, but I think it's a combination of my dad's death, some factors of my autism and some past trauma (I was abused by my dad's girlfriend when I was 6-8, not my mother I add. ) I've tried to get help but I've not heard back from any services for months. I'm not sure what how I'm feeling is but I'd like the thoughts of anyone in the comments and am open to any questions you might have.