Hiii and hello my good people. Firstly, thank you for reading. I have never posted here on reddit and avoid social media like the plague as it fucks with my idea of identity and i feel like i am portraying a false self for approval. not the point tho.

**the anxiety and name dysphoria is hitting me harder than ever**. this is the point. ok the story below 🔽 keeping it concise bc we all have lives to get back to. *edit:* *just kidding lmao this shit is long.*

I was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago (2020) and it has been a learning journey. I realized one of the symptoms was name/identity dysphoria or whatever you wanna call it...which is something that has plagued me since childhood. esp the part about hating your name. never has felt completely like me. 

**REWIND** to 2013 and i legally changed my middle name to Adrian. a name i found in a book (*no i am not gonna tell you what book*) 🤣 BUT the character has a lot of the characteristics and psychological challenges i face/d. he overcame them to the degree that people with disorders can. idk. the name felt cool and right and my mom begged me to keep my first name: Jared. so i did (even tho now looking back the neglect and emotional abuse was from her). 

So now my name is Jared Adrian at the ripe age of 19 and i'm in college asking people to call me Adrian after they knew me as Jared. i was laughed at and no one took me seriously. so i reverted back to Jared. at the time i didn't realized the desired name change was coming from such a dark place in my past and wanting to free myself and reclaim my identity....whatever. i'm weak for reverting. fuck you.

**Fast forward to now**: still going by Jared. I just quit my job of 5 years. Toxic environment mixed with depression and severe anxiety and ultimately finding that i still hated my life. (btw i eat healthy and workout regularly, meditate and journal daily.. not on medication bc i've come to realize the work i need to do is within myself and a pill won't fix that). i say this because this is a fresh start and a *new opportunity for me.*

NOW, after 9 years, legally Jared Adrian, I still feel scared to switch to Adrian. I tried it at a workout class the other day and I could barely say it. it feels so foreign to refer to myself as Adrian. I am scared of the judgement. of people thinking i am a crazy whack job and they won't take me seriously anymore. as you can see i am deathly afraid of rejection/abandonment. it feels inauthentic still. to go by Adrian. I'm like-- *is that me??* I'm also like-- *fuck is this the BPD?? is this all a lie? am i just having another dysphoric episode?* ...i'm so lost in the details of it all. i am ashamed to tell my family i want to be called something different. i'm scared to tell what distant friends i do have. i am so scared of the judgement and most of all making a fool out of myself. bc maybe i am just crazy and this is me living up to the BPD name. **i genuinely am scared i cannot trust myself and am just trying to run from the past and ultimately my true self.** 

so yeah, here we are, with my dear redditors (you!!!!) seeking some support, advice, truth (good/bad/ugly all welcome). seriously, lemme hear it. xoxoxoxoxo Adrian