I am a 36 year old, single, gay man. At sometime in my late twenties I was diagnosed with BPD along with GAD/SAD. From the time I was 18 to 21 I had a large number of short intense relationships, which all failed in grand fashion. This pattern finally changed when I met a guy with his own issues. 

At the start it was standard faire for a relationship with someone with BPD, with the exception that he didn't bolt. So it goes without saying there were extreme ups and painful downs for both of us. About 8 years in (~2008), I caught him cheating and we separated. During the next year I got into a long-distance relationship, fell madly in love and was ready to uproot my life to be with him. After meeting this new guy in-person several times, it became apparent to me that his lack of affection would be too much for me to handle. Turns out he was an Aspie, and he just didn't see the point of cuddling or touching and sex was just a means to an end. Everything else went well because he was actually a little jealous and protective, he never really triggered any fear of abandonment issues. 

Anyway, I end up in therapy for 6 months. Despite dumping him, there was a huge hole left behind and I was desperate to get him back, full well knowing he couldn't give me what I want. I was so miserable and lonely that I didn't even fight it when my ex (the one that cheated) wanted to move back in. So he did. The first two years were amazing, the last two years everything just dried up and faded and he eventually disappeared without a word three years ago. Even though our love had dwindled, I was heart-broken and my life changed in more ways than I can describe here. Nevertheless, about six months later, I started looking at the idea of dating again.

The first thing I noticed is that I wasn't desperate as I had been when I was younger. I was living alone for the first time in more than a decade, and it felt great. I didn't HAVE TO HAVE someone in my life. I learned a lot about myself, quit being a burnout and got my drinking under control. So over the past two years I've been talking to people online here and there, with a few false starts, but nothing really promising. A few times I thought to myself, "maybe this BPD crap is finally gone." I've read in the past that BPD sort of fades off as you get older, so this made sense to me. 

I should point out here, that I live in a fairly small town about 45 minutes from any big cities. Over the years I've also grown into the quality of a chubby bear (that is in a pursuit to get fit). I like all types of guys, probably not as big as myself. But if you don't know anything about the gay bear community, there are a handful of chasers (smaller guys that like bigger guys) and that's all the chubby guys are interested in. Most of the chasers also run away if you mention losing weight (some even want you to gain weight). Then there are the muscle bears and otters, they are just interested in each other, no cross-breeding with that bunch. All of that isn't entirely relevant, but basically, my dating options are quite limited.

Anyway, here I am today, and I think BPD is rearing its ugly head again. One of the guys I've been talking to (for two years) recently decided to make a visit. Prior to last week I had hopes that such a thing would happen, but didn't really think he was that interested. More like just another online friend that I had a crush on. I could provide all of the grisly details of how this date turned to hell in a few short hours, but I'm not sure it'd be useful. I blame most of it on myself. The whole ordeal left me feeling entirely rejected. I am sure many of you know how rejection can turn into this overwhelming, dejected, grasping, hole in the fucking chest feeling.  Well that's what happened and it took me by surprise. The only positive I can say came out of this is that I'm more than ever motivated to improve my life, but that gut wrenching feeling of loss is still here. 

I don't know where it's coming from. I don't know if it's because I royally fucked up, if it's because of the things he said, or if I haven't really gotten past the BPD, and have just became more selective. Or maybe it's the reverse, and the lesser opportunities in my present dating pool have kept it hidden. I just don't know. 

Since it's been a few days I've had time to think about what happened, and the most striking bit was how little of a deal it was to him that it wouldn't work out. This really made me realize there is a big problem going on here, and if I am ever going to be successful at this, it needs to be fixed. I can't be longing after someone that clearly wants nothing to do with me. First it's too painful, and second it's simply not efficient! Now, finally on to my question.

I know that there isn't anything that anyone can say that's going to make me feel better about this, and only time will heal it. But my big confusion now is in going forward. How do I approach dating from here on out? Do I avoid it while I'm fixing these problems? If so, how am I supposed to fix them if they aren't present when I'm not involved with someone? 
	
TL;DR Should you actively be dating while trying to recover from BPD?