I've been pretty chill the last few weeks. Thanksgiving went in my favor (didn't have to split the evening in between my family and my bf's family bc his brother was sick). Have been living far from home so being able to retreat after a week of being around family helped me not get overwhelmed as well. Everything was feeling okay. No triggers. I work from home and bf is currently unemployed....so no fear of abandonment either! 

Well, yesterday evening he gets a call from his brother and surprise! His brother was making plans to have dinner at his apartment (where he also invites all of his friends) so the dynamic ends up being extremely awkward because it's just him, a few of his friends, my bf's mom, and us two. My bf doesn't care (he's very easy going, hence why he is with me) but I had a legit meltdown at the thought of having to split Christmas eve dinner (I was hoping we would just do an early lunch with just us, his brother, and his mom considering covid) but luck is not on my side this time. 

The evening goes a bit like this: we spend a few hours at my family's then rush over to his brother's (who lives 40 min away). The pressure is awful bc they're all waiting on our arrival which is so obnoxious. The difference here is that my family tends to have larger events which allow for a more spread out evening..I can escape to a corner and chat with my cousin or whatever. At his brother's..it's a ONE bedroom apartment with no space to BREATHE. The awkwardness is painful. Last year, my bf's brother asked my bf if I was okay because I looked like I was in pain/sick (LOL). Ugh it's the fucking worst. 

Anyway, after hearing the phone call, I spent almost two hours yesterday yelling about how much I hate the holidays and messaging my mom about wanting to slit my wrists, and that way no one will celebrate anything!! I then lied down in a dissociative misery wishing I could just escape/disappear from every life problem. 

I'm considering just staying home with my dog and not going to EITHER event. I've been working on my mental health and I'm realizing how much of my mental health is sacrificed every year in the name of the holidays - it's such bull. The holidays are the LITERAL definition of lack of boundaries. Mentally ill? Who cares! You still need to show up to this abhorrent dinner and spend a few hours wanting to DIE. The problem is, if I stay home, my bf will still go to his brother's and the thought of him being there alone (which would be their dream) makes me viciously nauseous and livid.

I'm now extremely down and upset and of course, the energy I'm emitting towards my bf is like a black hole and I haven't spoken to him since last night even though he did nothing wrong. 

So 2 questions: 

1. Does anyone relate to this? How do you/have you coped? 
2. Does anyone else go through a few weeks where they feel totally chill and then go back on the BPD wagon?