He was ALWAYS wrong about me, and it took me two decades to realize it was probably intentional, based on jealousy.

I recently ready this: [https://somethingtosayafterabuse.blogspot.com/2018/06/narcissists-are-not-nearly-as.html](https://somethingtosayafterabuse.blogspot.com/2018/06/narcissists-are-not-nearly-as.html)

and it made me realize, if there is any weight to this person's perspective, that my BPD wasn't the only reason I was a target for him. It was because he wanted to prevent me from reaching my full potential. He knew that once I did, I would surpass him in success, and he couldn't stand that.

We were both musicians. I was a pianist and he was a drummer. By that time I'd been playing for 12 years so I was pretty good and because I liked him, I showed him a few things. I started to write my own songs. So he did, too. He would be overly critical of my songs, of my voice, my lyrics, my playing. He would use a computer to compose most of his, and then show me what I was "supposed" to be doing. I was hurt, but he said, "I am just helping you. Don't you want to be the best you can be?" So I listened and took his criticism to heart. He wanted to start a band with me. So I was into it and he would play things on the drums that I couldn't play along with, styles I hadn't mastered yet. He thought it made sense to have a piano in a band with a metal guitarist. So they would rage on the drums and guitar while I sat there poking the keys trying to figure out what went with it. Then he would accuse me of not being "free" enough with my playing, being too stiff, not "letting go". Even though I am the one who taught him the basics of improvising.

We stayed friends for years, even though the dating part was for only the first 6 months. I needed him creatively. When the movie Amadeus came out, he used to say "People like us will never be Mozart. I relate so much to this movie. Don't you? Mediocrity is the worst." The thing is, I WAS NOT MEDIOCRE. He was. And he wanted to dim my shine because he was jealous. And the worst thing is, I completely absorbed the idea that I was mediocre and now, I kind of am! There were so many skills I had a hard time working on because any time I heard myself sing or play, even when I studied it formally in college and practiced five hours a day, all I ever heard was mediocre.

I became so dependent on his opinions that I couldn't let go of the relationship even if he was hurting me. This went on for fifteen years. I craved his approval for all the musical projects I took on. All four of my albums, his first reactions were always negative, but presented as "constructive criticism." I never promoted them very much because I was kind of ashamed of the work. I made so many albums because I thought the NEXT one would finally be the good one, worthy of promoting. When I joined a band and started getting gigs, he never seemed interested in listening to us. He even told me he had tried to start a band with coworkers and it fell apart because they couldn't even play the same chords at the same time. He kind of admitted that he was a bit envious that my band could actually play original music we wrote, and improvise, and do it well enough to get shows.

I ended up cutting contact with him for entirely different reasons (he was an alcoholic who called me and made inappropriate sexual comments to me while driving drunk.). It only occurred to me very recently that most of what he said about my music was probably not accurate. But he was my FP for so many years that I didn't hear any other opinions, from all of the supportive people around me who said I was talented.

I failed to find my audience because HE was my audience. I was marketing my work to one person, and this one person had a vested interest in me failing.

I feel cheated. I will never know what I really sound like.  I will never know what I could have been musically if I had been encouraged as a high school student. Well, Brian. You got your wish. I'm mediocre just like you, now. I can only hope that I work hard enough for the remainder of my life to make up for what you stole. Fuck you.