Wtf happened? I used to be less miserable. I was mostly sad and thoughtful about myself and my state and after my whole private ordeal with this friend of mine that I knew since I was 10 years old, I competely derailed. Like I was depressed but I had no idea how much worse I was capable of getting.

What I'm going through might barely count as heartbreak. I OBSESS over this person constantly. When I'm at work, home, or anywhere. This isn't something recent either. It's been well over a year now and my last contact was 4 months ago. I have contacted so much of my family and vented. I sort of pushed people way. I enabled the worst and most unhealthy parts of friends and family. The only thing I do is **drain** the life out of people around me.

All because someone told me no. I can't take a fucking no. I spend so much time thinking about what if. What if what if what if. What if she's listening to me? What if she is talking bad about me behind my back? I've had so much denial and unhealthy thoughts that I keep enabling. When will she come back? She'll come back right? RIGHT??? It's JUST around the corner. She'll be there.

I do nothing now but what is essential to keep me alive. Food, water, air, shelter. I go to work then I eat then I sleep then I repeat. Then before I knew it it was 4 months later and nothing changed. I'm a shell of a human. I'm this entity that just exists experiencing pure unfiltered suffering.