I dated someone who was depressed and suicidal for over a year. Before that point, I was a person I don’t like. Narcissistic, attention-seeking, uncaring.

Afterwards, the person I was didn’t change. Things just piled on.

My parents are good people. I grew up in a good household. I went to a good school, had a good education and good friends. Then, I dated my now ex-boyfriend and it showed me who I really was. It gave a mirror to reflect on how I was acting. But now, 2 years later, I feel like nothing has changed.

I’ve tried to fix this person that I am, but it’s pointless. I’ll go a while perfectly fine; this can go on for days or weeks, or even months in rare cases with no depressed thoughts, no anxiety, nothing. I’ll distract myself the whole time and be this hateful, narcissistic attention-seeking person who doesn’t have empathy. Then, I’ll get triggered by something, and I’ll regret the whole period I was like this and turn into a self conscious mess.

How do I stop?

I want to stay on this high of not fearing anything, living in the moment, but the person that comes out in these times is such a shitty person. And the crash is just so painful. I can’t deal with it. But I can’t stop. These periods are absolutely horrible; depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, the whole package.

I’m not bipolar. I know I’m not bipolar because these episodes are too short to be classified as bipolar. They feel more like mood swings. And they suck.

I just want to know how to fix this. If I bring attention to my shitty personality while I’m on my high I’ll just come crashing down again. If I try to go back on the high a better person I’ll just stay down.

If I stay like this for too long, eventually I’ll just be pulled back up. No effort from me, or anything. No more anxiety, and the depressive thoughts don’t have any effect anymore. You’d think this would be a good thing, but it is absolutely the worst part. Because I’m done being down, I’ll go back up. And when I go back up, I become that person again. But there’s nothing I can do about it because I’ve been distracted again, and I end up not caring anymore. The down me wants to go back on the up because up me is happy. But I don’t like up me, and that’s the problem.

I don’t want to bother people. Usually if I’m on a down, I don’t talk about it. If I’m on an up, it’s usually in the form of a joke. But I don’t know what to do now. It’s killing me inside and out because I feel like a joke. I feel like I shouldn’t be worrying about this but I’m just so done. I feel like two different people just clashing constantly.

If this belongs somewhere else, please link to it. I’m really stuck on this and I don’t know what to do.