when i was growing up my mom was earning her masters in psychology. i learned a lot alongside her as i was used for demonstrations and often told about what she had learned in her classes. every day now after her sessions, she vents to me about her frustrating clients and what methods she uses to deal with certain people as a therapist now herself.

for the most part these things have been positive. for someone who grew up with mental illnesses/disabilities and around people with the same, it's been helpful to be emotionally mature through direct teaching like this and a mom who knows how to navigate a brain. 

but now that i feel i need my own therapy, it feels impossible. those first few sessions make me feel like I'm burning. it's just like talking to my mom when she's trying to reassure me. i know why they're saying what they say. this is their job. and i place full trust in them already- i do not care to gain a relationship with the therapist because i know, again, it's the job. i am perfectly content just dropping my current struggles onto the therapist and them telling me the applicable methods to assist myself and we go on our ways. but there is so much fluff to the process. i get it. people are adverse to just dropping their trauma on someone and have trust barriers with that. and they often do not believe that therapy works or that the methods are meaningless. i don't think that! i do not need my barriers broken down! i know that legally therapists cannot disclose information and that they are systems of help. so i am content sitting down and telling them everything off the bat.

but instead i have to play this game of building a relationship i do not care for. it feels so pretentious speaking about it that way, but after witnessing my mom treat her therapy as a career and job as it is for years i just cannot get over the mental hurdle of caring about treating my relationship with a therapist as anything more than what it is. 

i don't know how to get over this or if its possible to find a therapist that understands. i'm so frustrating having tried therapy several times but having to drop out so soon because it just makes me so upset and anxious every time a therapist tries to back me up and ease me into things or ask about things like my interests or my day that just don't pertain to my issues. and i feel like an absolute ass for feeling this way, but i can't help how much i shut down when a therapist uses lines that my own mom did to me that i know were read from the same textbook. it's hollow. i don't mind hollow, but i just want to be upfront about it. the only way i feel like i could connect and see a therapist as person and not someone within a job role is if they acknowledged that fact too and spoke to me like i'm not ignorant of that. 

uggggggh. i feel like I've implied people who are helped by therapy to be ignorant or for therapists to be hollow or whatever and i don't mean to say that. my experiences are not universal and i know it's a problem with *me*. but god please someone else relate to me and understand at least where i'm coming from even if i'm in the wrong somehow. i want to be helped by therapy so badly and i want to stop thinking this way or find a therapist who can work with me.