When i was a child i showed every sign of social anxiety in kids, stomach aches, fear of throwing up, nausea, i would cry at my school desk, never say a word in class and always be told to speak more. I would throw tantrums and start crying before social events and just be looked at as a shy or a problem child. When i turned 9 i wanted to avoid situations that gave me anxiety like social gatherings and thats probably when my relationships started to strain. But the problem is NOBODY, and i mean NOBODY, has ever talked to me about it, acknowledged it as a problem, helped me through it, talked to me about anxiety or anything. Of course this results in a confused and worried child because i had no idea what it was and nobody taught me how to handle it or what it was? 

I remember locking myself in the bathroom on new years when i was about 12 years old, i had anxiety about going to a family friends party when all i could hear was my mom crying and freaking out downstairs and my dad knocking on the bathroom door getting mad and calling me selfish  whilst i made up some bad excuse as to why i didnt want to go, when in reality i was too anxious and i had no other idea how to express the way i felt without feeling stupid or unheard, my feelings were never talked about in the past so how am i supposed to understand whats happening or want to express what i feel when i never got taught how to? 

Im 21 years old now and because i got social anxiety as a child i now have no relationship with my family, i feel left out, misunderstood, anxious and awkward around them. Sometimes i want to blame myself, i want to think of myself as awkward, lame, boring, bad at close relationships, but i refuse to believe that. Nobody calls me, nobody texts me, nobody asks me how im doing like they do to eachother. Its them and then its me all alone. Its not as easy as ”just call them” with a lifetime of feeling like the odd one out.