**TW// self-harm**  


I've been a bit depressed for a while because of recent surgery, it started a few weeks before the operation and I'm now 2 weeks post-op and feeling terrible about myself.   


One thing I have noticed about myself in the past few years is my coping mechanisms, I hate them so much but I can't stop doing it, my friends and boyfriend all know about them but there's not much they can do to help. At least, that's what I believe.  


I find myself distancing and isolating myself when I become sad, not sure what the exact reason for that is.  
Another habit I have is bottling emotions up, oh boy do I bottle things up, seriously, I can't stop doing it, I've had many panic attacks and breakdowns because of it and when I'm around my friends or boyfriend and it happens, they are there to comfort me and I really appreciate them for doing that, they're the best, but they always say the same thing, "Don't bottle things up. Tell me when something is upsetting you." and I always respond saying "Yeah, okay, I'll tell you." and guess what? I don't!  
So it has become an endless cycle of me bottling things up, exploding and getting comforted.  


Tonight I made a stupid joke with my boyfriend over messages (honestly, it was so silly) and he didn't really go along with it. So my brain instantly thought "Well, yeah, it's because you're not funny. Nobody gets your so-called jokes. Just stop." This made the bottle burst, I gave him cold replies and ignored him until he had to go, I felt so bad after and I went into a full-blown panic attack which led to me sitting in the bathroom, hyperventilating, sobbing on the floor, cutting myself. Everything that I was upset about flashed through my mind constantly, the surgery, friends, my boyfriend, my family, and just myself in general.  
I haven't broken down like this for a few years.  


So now I am here, writing this, letting all my feelings out to Reddit. I have calmed down exponentially while writing this so this has really helped actually. But what I really need help with is my unhealthy coping mechanisms. What can I do to put an end to them?