I’ve been fighting my doctors for help for so long now. In the past, I’ve explained that I have BPD symptoms and I’m so so so certain it’s BPD, everything adds up and makes so much sense. I want to point out that this happened between 3 different doctors, 3 different surgeries. I don’t know what to do at this point.

I was struggling with it all so much that I developed an ED last year, I went to the doctors about it in September. They initially offered me a referral for help because I was underweight. But they then decided not to because I wasn’t ‘sick enough’.

BPD symptoms were extreme and I ended up with the crisis team. They then said they’d refer me to a service to get help. I waited 8 weeks (they said it would take 6) to find out they never referred me. 

I then went back to my doctors explaining what happened about how I’m struggling. They said they’d refer me and it would take 4 weeks… But again, they never did. So I call them with obvious distress and explaining how I need assessing for appropriate treatment because it’s been going for too long. 

They did actually refer me to a place but it was a 5 week course and basically it did not help at all. I couldn’t talk about my issues, my traumas, my emotions. I had to sit there and listen to someone read a booklet. I should’ve been grateful that I had finally been given help, but it wasn’t helpful at all. He told me to ‘go on a diet’ for my ED… suggested that I leave my relationship because of how paranoid I am. When the reality is I have BPD.  

That ended and I went back to the doctors. They insisted on prescribing me more antidepressants and I refused because 1) I am not depressed 2) I’ve been on antidepressants for 6 years 3) I need help, not just medication. They said they’d send an email about it to a mental health team, I never got an update.

Three days ago, I call them again about getting an assessment and treatment. The doctor basically said she couldn’t refer me to anywhere because I need to work on myself first? She said medication wouldn’t even help me as it doesn’t actually work. 

I told her about how Ive been in contact with the crisis team numerous times over the last few weeks due to my BPD symptoms and she said ‘everyone has a bit of a personality disorder’. What the fuck. I then obviously break down in hysterics because I just feel hopeless at this point. I explained how bad it was and all my past trauma, then she tried to section me. I promised to the safety plan and she said I’d receive a call or an email within 3 days about getting a diagnosis and treatment. 

I did receive an email… but from my old therapist, the one that didn’t help, linking me ‘help’ websites. What the fuck. 

I don’t know what to do at this point. I feel cursed, I feel like the universe doesn’t want me to get better. I feel like an imposter, like my illness isn’t even real. This has spiralled me into such a depressive episode, I feel like giving up.