So sorry in advance if this is gonna be a little longer. I’ll try to make it as short as possible! 

So I am a 28yo gay man and I am in a wonderful and loving relationship. 
As the relationship started I dealt with a lot of issues of accepting love and being vulnerable. My partner supported me, we worked through it and it made our relationship even stronger.

During some time last month I had to take a lot exams in Uni and I got very stressed. Out of the blue I became this fear of being trans. 
I am somewhat feminine, I like feminine things, dressing up for Halloween is fun for me and I tend to identify more with women as in i listen to female artists, I watch female creators, etc.

However I got this fear and anxiety that comes with it and started to overthink everything. I communicated openly with my partner and he was supporting me and everything got a little better and the dissociation and weird feeling in my body stopped. An experience that I have never felt before though. 

I started doing some home workouts and yoga, went to the pool and felt fine.
Always a little anxious about possibly becoming anxious again but overall kept it under control. 

Now my partner is in Norway for five months for an abroad experience and it all came back. It switches between a deep pain of missing and fear of being alone I suppose. And thoughts like: when I dance I move more feminine, I respond emotionally to females more. What does it mean? Am I unhappy because I am trans, which I don’t think cause Ive never had a problem with my genitalia. But then how do you know? 

I just feel so stuck and don’t know what to do. I was bullied a lot for being feminine or gay in school and at home. And sometimes I think this is just my trauma trying to warn myself of like you’re being abandoned. 

But I just needed to type this out. My next therapy session is in two weeks and I hope (and know I guess) it will get better but right now it’s so painful and uncomfortable….