Yep the title says it all ok so how this even happened was 3 years ago I was going though a hard time because my cat had passed away and I met an online friend who I would consider helped me feel something (emotions) however my friend was telling me their problems 24/7 I didn't mean it because it distracted me from the loss of my cat however this has been going on for a couple of months during that time and I started to actually feel overwhelmed worrying about my friend 24/7 because no matter what I did or said to them things always end up worse for them and to make matters worse my mental health started to kick in and I felt tired of the drama so I finally opened up to my friend about it saying that I needed space and wanted to be left alone (I know selfish but I was so stressed out from their drama) and my friend even tho they just said "ok" they left a very negative status about me which caused me to feel hurt and then when I finally got back from taking a break from the internet I had learned that they talked behind my back from my friend they admitted doing it and thats the very first time someone has ever done this to me I felt angry upset sad all negative emotions and then I decided to tell them that I couldn't do this anymore so I cut ties with them then a couple days later I felt guilty for being selfish and cutting ties with them so I messaged them again they were a bit petty towards me (understandable) and we kinda became friends again (I say kinda because the trust was gone) and then the same old things happened again a second time my friend in endless drama I tried my best to not let it bother me but all that negativity always gets to me and then during this time my friend kept talking about sensitive topics that I find sensitive and (they knew I was sensitive of it) all the time and I finally had enough and cut ties with them a second time and like the first time I felt guilty for cutting ties with them so I messaged them a second time they weren't as petty like the first time but felt upset at me for cutting ties again however our friendship was a bit distance we weren't as close as before and my friend was always talking to their other friends more often at first I upset about this then I realized that I wasn't really enjoying myself anymore like I used to anymore so I decided to ghost them since they were kinda ghosting me and I felt free but I noticed a few things that I do when I play games and someone backstabs me in a game I take it so personally that I feel like I can't breath and the same emotions I felt when my friend backstabbed me and to make matters even worse I started to ghost my other friends too I even unfriended most of my friends (not my friend that backstabbed me tho) and I don't see myself finding love anytime soon either because I feel like I don't deserve it and I don't want to feel the same pain I felt before I even started to develop in hating myself as well and I have a downward spiral of anger coming and going every once in awhile when something happens to me and I only really told my mom this but it still doesn't really make the pain go away and I don't want her to feel overwhelmed 24/7 because of me also I'd like to add me and my friend aren't in bad terms anymore we seem good for now tho we rarely talk due to us not really chatting about anything its just small talk most of the time anyway sorry if this was long I never really told anyone this (besides my mom)