I didn't want a kid but life dealt me my cards and I was to scared a the time to try and change it so I didn't. 
Now I hate my life and all I can think about is suicide to escape because that seems to be my only option. 
I wouldn't be able to give him up for adoption bc I'd forever feel guilty and would probably unalive myself just for that. 
I thought about having an abortion with him when I found out I was pregnant but I was too scared and didn't. I was in an abusive relationship I was trying to escape. I was scared that if I got the abortion I wanted  hed beat me and possibly kill me. 
He's 2½ almost 3 now and while (I think) I love him I really really question it. I didn't feel a connection when pregnant nor at birth. 
I just accept that I have a kid and TRY to be okay with that fact but I'm not and I'm breaking. 

I'm getting scared that I'm going to hurt my son. Infact I'll admit I've grabbed him a little harder on purpose because my brain told me to do so. I almost don't feel guilty if I hurt him but it tears me apart I feel that way then I start to fe guilty for not feeling guilty. 

I can barely care for myself and I feel like I can barely care for him. I have an eating disorder so I often don't feel hungry. I can't say how many times ive not even thought about getting food for my son because I simply don't eat much. 

I want to ask my mom to take him for a few days maybe a week to just let me have some peace. Where I can lay in bed all day if I want. To not have anybody rely on me but myself and my animals. 

I want nothing more than a time machine. I miss who I was before my kid