I feel like this is so complex and multi-faceted, I don't know where to start, but it feels like I'm at an end of some sort where I literally don't know what to do except give up.

As a child, I was abused mentally and physically by my parents, was the pseudo parent for my sister when I should've had the opportunity to be a child, never learned emotional regulation or boundaries, ended up in an abusive relationship for 12 years at 16 that resulted in a break up almost three years ago because my partner cheated on me with a long-time friend of mine and also his coworker, this friend who's dad had been friends with my dad and was with him the months my dad was in the hospital and later died due to an accident. I watched my dad die by myself in a hospital at 25, and then watched as two people I thought I could trust destroyed me at 27.

It was very much for the best, I met someone who has been phenomenal, and not in a favourite person kind of way, which is what I'm used to, all the elements of an FP, but not the feeling crazed and severely attached in a controlling type of way. We got married in the fall. My spouse has a child from a previous abusive relationship, the person isn't in the picture and my spouse has sole custody. The other parent ended up being a donor in terms of everything really, they haven't seen the child since he was 6 months old. I'm the only other parent our child has considered to be his parent. 

I've been effectively a brand new parent to a 6 year old full time since the summer, and I'm the type of person that said I would never have a kid because I was too scared to fuck the kid up. Every time I've been here previously (I lived on another continent before), I've been so patient and loving with this child, but now that I've been here for this long I find myself having increasingly worse rage episodes. To the point I feel like I've scared my child and my spouse, and I feel like I'm fucking everything up and my self hatred is through the roof.

I really thought I had my anger in control, but I also used to have my dogs that are bid stress relievers for me, and they are currently stuck across an ocean with my mom until COVID gets better. I know my triggers with this child are: a) lying, b) not doing as he's told, and c) not listening. I see my triggers for what they are but I can't seem to get out and cool off in time before I'm screaming about how frustrating this is.

My spouse was previously living with their mom who is an utter nightmare (and continues to be controlling and rude even now, since they live next door. There are so many constant stressors...) and because my spouse was dealing with their own depression and anxiety, they've admitted they haven't really been able to do much in terms of teaching for the child. They used to let the child sit in front of a tablet from 2 years plus all day long unfiltered and the kid doesn't know emotions or how to have interactions or what punishments are and the grandmother was basically hand feeding him until I came back and wiping our child's ass for him until then too. I haven't been strict, I've just been making rules that are age appropriate, but I'm at my wit's end in how much this kid does not listen to a damn word being said. We've been waiting a year and a half for an investigation related to ADHD/autism. I am non-neurotypical, I should know how to have patience for this, but I just fucking don't. 

As an example, I told the kid yesterday - get ready for bed. We've been doing this sequence of events for months, before I used to tell him what order that meant and what to do. Brush your teeth, put on your pyjamas, and go to sleep. When I told him it yesterday, he literally went into his room, rolled down the blinds, and climbed into bed and nothing else. I was so frustrated, but I asked: "how do you get ready for bed?" He tells me. He's right. "So, why didn't you do that?" He says: "I don't know." Which is one of the most other triggering shit I've ever heard. I tell him to do what he just said. He goes and brushes his teeth, he's been doing this for months properly now, and instead of watching where he's brushing his teeth, he's practically on his cheeks. I just felt done, there'd been so many other instances that day and for the last number of weeks I have no patience anymore. I end up getting so angry and screaming and shoving him out the door on time outs and it's not fair to anyone. 

My spouse has autism and feels like they don't know how to handle raising a kid or what to do and feels like they don't react fast enough to properly address the situation so I end up being the one who does it all.

We both have chronic pain and have so much going on in our daily lives as well as trauma from the past but I really feel like I should just give up and my suicide ideation is worse than its ever been. I honestly don't know what the fuck to do anymore about calming down and walking away. I can't seem to be able to fucking do it. I can't follow all these tips and tricks pages about being patient with your child, it's like it's not possible for me and I feel like a failure. 

I end up feeling so broken and defeated after it happens, and it just makes the ideation worse. It feels like everyone is better off without me in the long run. I used to tell myself if I ever had a kid I would never be like my parents, yet here I am.