I guess I was always a workaholic to forget decades of life. 

Now that I'm not working at the moment, and see no worthy outcomes to work towards... It's all coming back. I've always thought of alcohol as useless garbage, but lately all I've been doing is drinking and eating terrible food and watching a tv show I've already seen a decade ago. I feel like I've come full circle, back in an old pattern after a slight rise up, finding myself in a new downward spiral. 

I have half a pizza left over, the day is just beginning. I have a case of beer. Slight headache. I want to say what I've been doing is wasteful, maybe throwing some kind of tantrum over years of effort wasted by bad luck. Social circumstances have revealed the true nature of the leaders I served in the workforce, and I lost so much respect after I've deposited years of hard work and good will. Well, if all those years of productivity didn't amount to much other than owning a reliable car, what's a few months of degeneration? 

Maybe I need to experience a new low for contrast, for potential good that can still arise? I do get ideas on how to move forward, but nothing is truly inspiring. Inspiration is what got me out of the rut last time. Now I'm much more educated on the state of society, I have insights on the reality of others that are truly disturbing. The selfishness that people are capable of in this world is truly astonishing.

I just hate my family situation, I hate how I can't truly trust anyone, or communicate with anyone.. 

I don't want to keep remembering events of my life, and there isn't much to look forward to. 

Even remembering decent times makes me sick, cause I know it got ruined over something stupid and selfish that someone did that undermined my ability to trust others. 

Every time I wake up it's like a new memory bubbles up. 

Gained faith in religion for like a month and lost it when I read deeper. 

Lost interest in intellectual pursuits because I see no applications. 

Nobody is interested in hearing whining like this, but it's nice to write about it. Gary Vaynerchuk once said "You can cry, you're just going to lose.. And I have bad news about bitching and complaining: nobody gives a shit." 

Behaviors in time are strategies for life. I KNOW in my heart that living the way I am right now is a losing strategy, because I have the temporary financial means to do so. It's a sinking ship. Maybe I'll just finish the case of beer, and not buy more. Waste one more day.. Clean up my place, and look for somewhere to move with less rent. Find some job. It's better than this current strategy. Rent is going up anyways in a few months, even with the ridiculous amount I'm paying already. 

It's nice when the edge is taken off with a buzz, listening to some black metal, trying to beat difficult chess bots. At least I'm getting better at the one reliable game that never changes, but rarely are any two games exactly the same. 

Life has to be more than the creation and management of systems; whether that be budgeting, moving an object from location a to location b, and survival. Life is about meaningful connections, and I don't have any. Nor do I expect to find any. 

I guess that's all for now. 

What a frustrating time. 

A fresh, fresh low to kick off another decade on earth.