Its taken me hours to write this... im drinking when i know i shouldn't be but its currently my chosen method of self destructive behavior.


Im an angry soul. Ive always been angry. I was angry as a child when my mother abused me.
I was then angry when she left.

I was angry with religion
I was angry with my great grandmother who pushed it onto me.
i was angry when she died.

Ive been angry so long.

I dont trust anyone or anything and yes ive been driking. so what.

Its the only time my thoughts are slow enough i can make sense of them.

I want to just cut open my wrists and end it all.

I hold no significance to anyone or anything because i cant get past my own paranoia.

i dont want to be alive in this painful existence anymore.
but i feel too guilty to end it.

i cant et away from this spiral. i dont want to.
i want to die.

ive waited 20 years for absolution dont i deserve it now?
why dont i deserve to be happy?

i want to go out in a big bang. i want to hold everyone accountable but at the same time i dont want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they mattered so much.

i just dont want to spend my life on the bottom of some metaphorical ocean looking at the tide from a 100 miles below. 
