Hello! So before we jump into this I'm just going to give some back story. My name is Matthew. I'm 17 (18 in 2 weeks). I am FtM pre-HRT and pretty any surgery. I am married to a 20 year old trans female. We've been together for 2 years and nearly  5 months. 

As you can probably imagine, we're both pretty immature, and we fight, a lot, about everything.  

I have struggled with alcohol addiction and I'm also a pot and cigarette smoker. I was about 2 shots and 1gram of weed deep when I wrote this, and I guess I just wanted to get someone else's opinion and view on this. I wanted to see if maybe anyone else felt this way before. 

This wasn't a pre-planned writing session, it just came from my heart, and flowed out as I typed this. There will be another paragraph  or so under it that was written this morning, sober, ANYWAYS. So..here it is:


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I really question whether or not I'm happy in my relationship. Whether I want to stay in it. I often wonder what itd be like without her, and the panic immediately starts. The thought of not only being alone, but being alone from her. But is this because I love her, or because my broken brain is so codependent? Am I the abusive one in the relationship? Am I really that overbearing and controlling? I'm just looking out for her. Im protecting her. She needs me. Without me her life falls apart. But maybe I need her more. I've lived without her...but when I was without her after we broke up all I could think of was her. I married her. I love her with all my heart. I love her so much it hurts. But sometimes I doubt that love. Is it really love? Is this what love feels like? Or am I just overly attached? I don't know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally and completely. Sometimes I think I don't even know what it feels like to be loved. People say they love me, but I feel no attachment or meaning to these words. I say them back, and try with everything in me to feel "love" but I don't think I've ever succeeded. I want to say I've felt love, and I'm not saying I haven't, I'm sure I have. But I can't remember a time I felt loved. And I can't remember a time that I truly loved. 

When I think of love it reminds me of this sense of over stimulating emotions. It makes me feel heavy and worn out. It makes me feel panicked and exhausted. This is how most emotions are for me. They are so strong I feel like I have to claw my way out of the skin suit that is called my body. I can't breathe, I can't think. My mind is clouded. But anger...anger is different. I get livid, furious instead of angry. If it is someone that has angered me, I feel this almost uncontrollable urge to kill that person. In my mind it solves the problem. Kill the person, no more issue. These aren't the first thoughts I have of this violent fantasy however. I distinctly remember being 4-6 and having dreams of killing a baby pig. It was always the pig from Charlotte's web. I've had this dream for over a decade, and it always makes me feel...good. feel pleasureful, almost gleeful. I have this same feeling when I imagine killing someone that is upsetting me in any way. 

I feel so disconnected from this world, this life. I stare into the mirror looking at a shell of a human being. 'Is this me?' I think to myself. But I can't stare into my reflection for too long, or I will send myself into a spiral. I feel empty, numb, not real. I feel like I'm seeing through the point of view of a first person shooter video game character. Everything appears as though it is made of plastic. Everything from the grass to the concrete to the people. Nothing is real. But that is my reality. 



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Sometimes I question my gender identity.  Not in a "maybe I am, maybe I'm not" sort of way. But in the way of "is it worth it?" I've come out to everyone, and as expected,  everyone but my parents accepted me. I wasn't expecting my parents to be happy, I mean, I had to keep my transgender wife a secret the entire time we've been together, and only now, after being married since February,  and having been together for over two years, have my parents told ANY of my family on my mom and dad's side, that not only am I married at 17. But I'm married to a trans woman. But my parents hurt the most.

They refuse to use Male pronouns.  They refuse to use my name, only my dead name. They tell me they won't because,  "I'm not really transgender " I've tried talking to them and explaining to them, but they don't listen. I understand it's hard. I understand it's a huge change. But they don't acknowledge any of it. They pretend it's not real.

What will they do if I go on HRT? Will they shut me out completely? What about top surgery? Srs? Are these things, is my happiness even worth it if they will resent me and hurt me every day by continuing to act like I don't exist. The real me I am trying so hard to be? 



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Sorry for the long post. If you made it through it, thank you. I appreciate it. I hope you all have a good day. And if you can relate,  or offer advice or ANYTHING, please do. I need help and guidance. 

Much love, Matthew