I've been in relationships since I was 16. I'm 32 now. Most long term, ranging from 1,9 to 7 years. I've been in one polyrelationship, I had two boyfriends. I have a son with one of them, he's 4 now. The day we started to move in as a family of four, I found out my newer bf had cheated on me, in May 2015. I lost it all, my hopes and dreams for the future. My other relationship with the father of my son collapsed a month after (it had been bad for a year, the other bf was the glue that kept us together until that point). Last September the newer bf left me. Moved out. Came back a month later, vowing never to leave me again, not being as horrible as he had been. This May he left me. We still hook up a few times a week, but I can't love him anymore. 

Now I live on my own.  All my past bad has been because I've been so bad. My wrong ways to react, feel and do things. It's all been my fault. All the break ups, all the stress I've caused my bf's to have. Yeah, he cheated: because he thought it was ok. And he was stressed. And this year he was stressed with work, job, partying and friend. He didn't have time for my constant depression, constant need to be held, constant being bad. He told me it straight to my face "I choose myself, I can't be there for you at all" months before we split up. It's all my fault. Because I can't be normal. No matter how good a girlfriend I could be in any other aspect, because I can't control my low points, I'm not worthy of being anyone.

So, I'm 32 and I've decided I'll never date again. No one deserves this crazyness, these horrible panic attacks, me turning into Hyde, me hating myself because I see it all and still can't stop it. No one deserves a person who cannot control themselves despite years of therapy, medication, TRE and mindfullness. I cannot be cured. So I will never love again.

And my body and my mind and my soul yearn to love someone. In the way of a spouse, not a child. I love my child very much and want to be a better mother and try it constantly. But it's not the same. But what I need and want don't matter anymore. No one deserves my horrible. 