I have literally no friends or support network where I live except my husband's family, who i am pretty sure are all sick of me as it is, so I am venting in here. I have already let my temper cause enough trouble today. 
So, I did that horrible thing again. I invaded his cave and demanded to be listened to. Why we were fighting in the first place is a long convoluted story full of he said she said bullshit.  He is utterly ignoring me and I feel my blood boiling and my heart racing. He dragged me out of the room hurting me in the process since I kicked and resisted the entire way. I certainly was being obnoxious but I still have a hard time accepting that it gives him the right to put his hands on me at all. I want to go in there and scream at him. I want to throw shit at his fucking head. I can't and I mustn't, I know. I am screaming inside and I want to rip my skin off to get away from this feeling! I hate that I am so dependent on this person who has zero respect for me as a human being. I hate that I can't take care of myself. It is all I want in the world. But how can I when I am this unstable and this nuts. And how much of that is me, and how much of it is his own shit????  I want therapy, I need my medical card to get here like yesterday. I can't trust my own feelings but I can't trust his either. I am sick with powerlessness.  I want to rip out my hair! 

I don't even know what I want from posting this. Maybe just so I don't cause even more dissent in the house to traumatize our kids. I am desperately trying to behave normally and I feel like sobbing and screaming and breaking all the things. But this post will have to do. I am so alone.