I am absolutely shaking right now. I have never felt this much fear in my life.

I really do not want to end it all. I would hate to do this to my loved ones who have put so much time and energy into me. 

However, I am now being put into a situation that is causing me to have extreme panic attacks and uncontrollable thoughts. I am starting a full time job and have autism, anxiety, depression. This scares me immensely, but my parents think it is what is best for me. I wasted most of my Teenage years and now the start of my twenties because of severe panic and phobia of social interaction. 

My parents say the job will be good for me but, I am so so scared.  I have never had a job before and jumping into a full time position feels like a death sentence. I basically have to take the job thought because it upsets my parents to see me this way and, I really can't blame them. I am this close to walking to the nearest hospital and checking myself in but, I can't even imagine the cost of that. I do have insurance but it would still be a large amount of money. Has anyone else been in this situation? The worst they could do is fire me right? 

The thought of bringing in a lawn mower into my room and letting the carbon monoxide kill me keeps crossing my mind. I have determined it to be the least messy way to go about it. I don't want to think about this but it is what my mind keeps going back to and I am scared. I have talked to the suicide hot line, I told them I wasn't on the verge of killing myself but the thought has been increasing in my mind. Would someone please tell me it is going to be okay? I have to take this job or I don't know what it will do to parents to see me lose yet another opportunity in my life to my mental problems. My mental illness has made it so hard to function but all my parents see is laziness and just being scared of change. I am on antidepressants if that means anything, they aren't doing their job at the moment. Someone please help.