I never liked taking medicine to help with my BPD and other ailments. I didn't like the thought of something artificial or chemically made altering my baseline.. But my baseline was actually healthy! It got pretty bad recently with extreme episodes of splitting, mood instability, and extreme difficulty self-regulating my emotions. Crying fits from hell! 

I'm at the point where I'm willing to take anything and do anything to just make it stop. When I get into these episodes, I always repeat in my head and feel, 'I just want to go home, I want to go home.' But where is home?

Now I'm desperate. Whatever meds I have to take, I'll do it. I did have periods where I felt as if I 'yeeted' myself, it would protect everyone else from me. I had/have guilt about the people around me having to deal with all my problems. This world is so cruel, and so unkind. Even seeking help these days is a pain, especially when you're basically teetering on the edge. 

The pressure and intensity is sometimes so so so SO unbearable. I want to scream and yell and throw things, just to get it all 'out.'

Does anyone else understand where I'm coming from?