Hey all.  I’m wondering if I can get some insight on some intense anxiety I am experiencing at live music concerts.

I have anxiety and have spent years trying to get in under control and have made extreme progress.  I have a job, a relationship, I regularly go out, have hobbies, good friends.  I practice mindfulness, meditate, it took a lot of work to have a normal functional life as years ago I could not function.

However, I find it impossible for me to go to large concerts without having panic attacks.  The issue is, my girlfriend LOVES concerts and to be a good partner I feel like I have to go to these events with her.  And I do love live shows also, but the anxiety I get is too much.
A few days ago we went to a giant city to see our favorite artist at a large stadium that fit 30,000 people.  I couldn’t control the physical anxiety I was feeling in the Uber to the venue, in the line to get it, being surrounded by thousands of people.  The nerves made me need to pee constantly, and by the end of the show I started to feel lightheaded, shaking, it was like I became dehydrated from peeing so much and my heart racing for hours on end.  I felt like I was going to faint which made my anxiety worse and I had a full blown panic attack.

I enjoyed the concert for the most part, but towards the end I felt the panic attack starting.

My real question is, I feel like a bad partner and feel like my girlfriend is disappointed that during events like this, I’m not joyous and excited and in good spirits, that I’m quiet and in my head and trying to control the anxiety.  I feel like I’m letting her down and not the funnest person to be around in public.  Some more context is, I’m a recovering alcoholic.  I used to get very drunk at events like this to get rid of the anxiety, and noticed being alcohol free is really hard for me to function.

I’m struggling with, do I just accept that this is naturally how I am for now?  It’s like I’m beating myself up for getting physical anxiety in unfamiliar situations, I don’t want to be a bad partner, I don’t want to be this weak, scared, overwhelmed mess when my girlfriend probably wants a confident partner who is happy full of life out and about trying new things.  In my mind I’m happy and proud of myself for going from a crippling alcoholic unable to hold a job to being fulfilled in day to day life.