TW: suicidal ideation

It''s not about me - I'd NEVER share these thoughts with her or at least not until she is done grieving. My FP's parent unexpected passed away. We are both young adults.
I don't know how to be here for her. I always avoid emotions in general.  Seeing people display emotions makes me unreasonably upset. Its difficult to avoid dissociation or extreme mood on my part so I never let myself get into a situation where I'd have to be there. I'm being present and so far I haven't fucked up, but I'm sure I will. On top of things,  I have a feeling my ocd is about to get bad again and perhaps a major mood episode is coming. r
I don't want to bother her with this shit. I want to be strong for her. I can't afford a therapist anymore and was never able to finish DBT. I don't have any friends or family to talk to. 
Fuck. I don't know. I'm an idiot. Can't handle the long stretches of time where she doesn't talk to me. I understand she needs space but it still fucks me up. It's literally been a day and I already can't take giving her space to grieve. I do it of course and try my best to be good about it. I'm unintentionally dependent on her and I think she is dependent on me.
 When anything is wrong, my head goes to suicide. I'm not gonna do it because I don't want to fuck her over, but god it seems like she'd be better off with someone more stable. I also found out people with asthma are like twice as likely to have a heart attack so fuck. She has severe asthma and probably a history of heart disease. I'd rather die now than watch her die in 30 years. I am a fucking joke. I know I'm selfish. Im hoping to get some of this poison out of my system so I don't pass it on.