I remember reading in The Buddha and The Borderline that the woman started to feel the opposite of abandonment in her relationship and started to feel smothered by it...so she ended it.

That part really stuck with me. As it's one of the reasons I broke up with an ex partner. As much as I loved and appreciated him being there for me, it got to a point where I had so much work to do that I physically didn't have the time to focus on the relationship at that time. He was clingy and demanding to see me and speak to me all the time. It got to the point where I started ignoring texts as I had so much going on I physically didn't have the time or energy to message every single day. At first he got angry and possessive. A few weeks later he understood. But by that point it was too late. I made the decision to break up with him as I realised he never really respected me, my feelings or my boundaries.

It's hit me that I'm being like this with my current girlfriend. I'm so lonely and desperate to not being alone that I'm messaging her pretty much all the time. Sat waiting by the phone for her reply. Her replies have gotten less and less...as in, she Doesn't ask me much or say much, just very basic responses.

The BPD in me says she's gonna leave, She's gonna abandon me like everyone else. But then it fucking hit me. She isn't leaving me. She just wants some time to herself. She just wants to relax. And I'm seeing her again this week. We don't HAVE to talk every single moment of every day. If I keep going the way that I am, I'm going to end up smothering her, I'm unintentionally smothering her and disrespecting her boundaries and personal time.

I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself for doing the exact thing my ex done with me. I'm happy I caught myself doing it, feel like hypocrite, but it just proves to me that I need to learn to be happy by myself. She does it so easily and shes so happy to see me every time we meet up.

I just hope that I didn't realise too late. I want to apologise to her but I know I shouldn't unless she brings it up. Recovery is so hard.