I'm starting to lose the will to even try. I lost my best friend. He told me he hated me and wishes we never met. I broke up with my boyfriend but then got trapped in the relationship again. I got diagnosed with another autoimmune disease that I'll have to live with. I keep lying to myself and telling myself I'm happy when I'm not. I want this all to end. I'm tired of not feeling like myself. Of feeling so helpless.

I always told myself that my family is what will keep me going, but I'm starting to feel like even that doesn't matter. And I'm too scared to off myself so instead I'm avoiding taking my medication that's saving me from a possible life-threatening condition. And I'm waiting. Waiting to see if maybe I'll be lucky and it'll happen. 

I regret so many things. The only thing that was holding me back was my best friend who I loved so much. But even that's gone now. He never even knew what was going on. Why I had to throw away my medication. Why I chose to stay with my boyfriend. 

I'm sorry to rant like this but I have nobody left. It feels like everyday I feel more inclined to end this.