I can't even begin to express the feelings I was feeling yesterday, but yesterday was the first time in years I had the overwhelming urge to self-harm. 

I had a complete breakdown and started back on my bullshit. "If only I could hurt myself a little the feelings would leave, I could become numb." Luckily, I pulled myself out of it and proceeded to lay down until my S/O came into the room and asked that I accompany him to the living room. 

I can't really explain the feeling, but the best way I can put it is:

There are two people inside of me, one that is rational and one that is irrational. The rational part of me can usually talk down the irrational part. Usually. It's gotten to the point though that my irrational side is subduing my rational side and I'm lashing out more. I'm overreacting and breaking down in tears. Then after I've shown my ass, my rational side comes back into play and gets me back under control. 

Yesterday, I scared myself. I went back to a place that I thought I had left behind me 3 years ago. I was looking at my scars and thinking about how good it felt to hurt myself because that's what I deserved. I deserved to be hurt, to feel pain, to be unhappy.  

I guess I'm sharing this because I wanted to get it off my chest.