I've pretty much lived with thoughts of wanting to be dead my whole life. Every time life becomes challenging I struggle to see a way out which isn't death, however never gave a lot of importance to these thoughts in the past, cos they never really affected me or made plans towards them.

Last night these thoughts have started to change. I started thinking how there REALLY isn't a way out of this (just a shit ongoing situation) if not being dead.

I started thinking about reasons why I haven't tried to kill myself, and trying to overcome these reasons, like it would be painful or it would be sad and inconvenient for the people around me, so I started thinking what is the best way I can kill myself causing the least inconvenience and least sadness to people.

I've never thought about this before, like actually thinking what the best way to cause the least trauma to the people near me, or trying to think what to write on a suicide note, how would I word it?

I know there's crisis phone lines I can call, but I also know no one freaking cares, no one ever does.

I just can't think of any reason to be alive, I hate myself cos on the surface I have nothing to complain about and I have all the cards that allow me to pursue a successful and fulfilling life: good health, good looks, some professional skills and work experience, a huge amount of acquaintances good for networking, etc...

However I was never able to get rid of this feeling of emptiness or find a sense of purpose, which has led me to take on meaningless unfulfilling jobs, being constantly broke, I'm now unemployed with no direction, no income, no savings, nothing to live for, a countless stream of failed relationships and toxic friendships, currently no friends.

Ultimately I am the one who's put me in this situation, and has done so over and over again, tried and tried to improve and be better, but it's just got progressively worse and really there isn't a way out of this other than death.

I just want to have a normal, comfortable life where I am not struggling and have a handful of people I can trust, but I have none of that and I don't see how it's ever gonna happen, I am never going to be the person I wish I was, I was never happy and never will be, so why bother being alive and being a burden to everyone I meet?

It's safe to say that I've tried all of the usual BS cliché therapy, meditation, mindfulness, finding a hobby or a passion, exercising, talking to a close friend or whatever. None of that has helped. Life still sucks as it always has and my mental health just keeps sinking.