little preface: im not diagnosed bc all my attempts at seeking help have resulted in failures leaving me more scared to get help (we love psychiatrists who praise freud's theories like their career depends on it), but ever since my bestfriend told me about her BPD i've been doing researches and felt called out a lot... been keeping this quiet and met another friend with BPD who kinda "felt" we were similar on it. anyhow

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i was in a relationship in october, it was my first wlw relationship so i was super excited and we literally moved super fast into it. i'll pass the details but some of our friends went and warned me about 1 month in that she wasn't a good person, and most likely trying to manipulate me (she was rumored to be a narcissicist). i've suffered a lot from being manipulated when i was a kid, so of course it threw my mind for a loop trying to analyze all her behavior. eventually i broke up, and needless to say i've been getting worse and worse ever since.

not only am i still questioning whether or not she was indeed trying to manipulate me, if i wasn't in the wrong for breaking up, my paranoia (i think that's it?) has started to include more and more of those around me to the point that as im writing this i feel like i only have my bestfriend left (and its on thin ice). what if it was all a scheme by my "friends" to make me break up so im all alone? my roommate has been showing very shitty support when i opened up about how i was struggling, she's constantly belittling me for not being able to function anymore (like doing chores, sleeping at reasonable hours -if sleeping at all-, etc.)

or so i feel like.

im supposed to go home for christmas but i don't want to anymore, cause i feel like my family is out to hurt me, belittle me, gaslight me, make fun of how much i struggle and i don't have the energy to pretend im not in need of serious help. i originally intended on seeing to get admitted around new year, but i really think i need it sooner. i don't know. i don't know anymore. i don't want to talk to anybody, i just want it all to go away.

might have added fuel to the fire but i just watched Arcane cause i've heard many people with BPD related to Jinx and tbh it might have pushed me further into my paranoid thoughts so uh yeah.

sorry i... i don't know why i did this in the first place i just really feel like im losing all my marbbles and im terrified and it hurts so much but idk how to make it stop