So I’m a 20M in a relationship with another man for officially now 6 months. I am not yet diagnosed with BPD but after thorough, constant research I strongly feel like I could have it. Anyway, I love my SO so much but I must say, being in a relationship means all my worst flaws and insecurities come out. I’m constantly fearing that he will one day leave me for somebody better for the reason that a) I’m a hot ass mess that cannot control my outbursts or emotions b) I’m jobless so he pays for everything c) I’m not YET enrolled in school d) I’m insecure of my skinny figure etc. You can see why I’d feel so insecure especially for the fact that he has everything together and is pretty accomplished from my point of view. Lately, he’s been kind of “off”. I can tell he’s been distant and we talked about it but it ended up being because of his own personal issues. I guess I felt better because every time he’s distant I always think it’s because of me, but I still feel like during these times that he’s going through stuff I always feel like it’s secretly me and he’s just not saying anything. Another insecurity occurs that maybe he’s talking to other guys?? I have cheated on him before and immediately came clean about it so I guess based off my own actions I’m scared that he’ll do the same thing. Sometimes I’ll catch him checking out guys and it literally infuriates me to the point that my mood just completely changes. Small things like that, that I could just be dramatizing in my head, sets me off. We even argue sometimes over myself just bringing up shit because of course, someone like me, has to have some kind of intensity going on and I can find any reason to be pissed off at him, even if there’s not a valid reason. And on top of this all I’m always in this constant battle of if I should stay with him or leave. Pros: I love him so much, he is my FIRST real relationship, he supports me so much, I love how he treats me. Cons: I feel too toxic for him, I don’t feel ready enough emotionally, mentally, or financially to be in a relationship, it’s so stressful, and I feel like it would be simpler to just be alone and single. Anyone going/been through the same situation that could offer some advice?