I always feel like suicide is lurking around the corner specially lately where I can’t seem to enjoy things anymore. I have a great job etc but I’m all by myself like I have no family or friends and I also became socially awkward. I used to be an outgoing guy until I got in a relation for almost 7 years she left and dump cuz “ I wasn’t treating her well” which she callled a couple of months later to apologize about everything she said cuz she knew she was lying. Anyways since she dump me last year I’ve been trying online dating and I finally met a girl which I really like and it seems like we have a good chemistry together we already make out but haven’t had sex yet. Anyways I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the last couple of months and I almost actually pull the trigger twice but I was able to snap out of that mentality and get help those two times. Suicidal thoughts are no strange things for me since I tried killing myself when I was 10 and then 22 and now again those thoughts are coming stronger. To be honest the dating thing is actually give me so much anxiety that I can’t sleep at night because I start overthinking that nothing is gonna work I’m so used to be disappointed in life that automatically my brain goes to the worst case scenario. This is the only thing I’m looking forward right now and tbh I think that if it doesn’t work I might just pull the trigger since I can’t stand this pain of been alone anymore. My closest family member is 500 miles away and also I have no friends. ( sorry English isn’t my first language)