So I get these short lived “episodes” which I refer to as “freak outs” but that’s not very specific and I don’t know how to describe them like without describing the symptoms. 
So it starts with intrusive thoughts about negative stuff then they become even darker and more intense and I get urges to cut and/or die and it gets more and more intense and then I lose control and I cry so much and feel like going crazy and then cut or rarely attempt suicide. But my memory like as this intensifies gets worse. Does this thing have a name?