I can't help thinking that this weird feeling of... survivor's guilt I suppose, is selfish of me. I'll explain why.

I'm the youngest of a family of 4 (myself, my mother, father, and brother). My parents never considered having any more children after me, they only wanted 2 kids, and that was that.

However, before me and my brother were born, my mother gave birth to an older sibling who unfortunately only lived for a few months. She would have been the eldest sibling, and my brother would be the yonger sibling. I get caught up in the feeling that if she had the chance to live her life, where would that leave me? Would I be here at all? It's something I've grappled with for as long as I understood the concept. I've been shown love by my family my whole life, but I can't help but think... am I a replacement? My mother always wanted the mother-daughter bond, she speaks fondly of the things she would've done together, but she can't, and I'm here instead.

And why did I deserve the chance at all? Speaking frankly, I'm not so sure I want to be here anymore, or in fact, ever have been here in the first place. I got the chance she didn't, and here I am wanting to give it away. Even then, it would be unfair and selfish of me to disappear or not be here anymore in whatever way either - my family has already had to face that once before, and I can't have them go through such a thing again. I have to keep going, not for my sake,but for theirs.

As I said, this is something that's been on my mind for just about as long as I remember. Especially into my late teens up until now in my 20s I have found it hard to be happy or comfortable with life, and when I do, I feel immense guilt or feel as if I don't deserve it for whatever reason. I am severely introverted and live very unconfidently, and have a hard time forging strong bonds with people, always holding them at arms lengths for months, even years at a time. I feel very detached emotionally, I don't cry if I'm sad, and I don't smile if I'm happy unless I have to force it in front of others. I don't know how/if any of these issues are linked with what I've talked about, or whether it's something else entirely.

TL;DR: I feel like I'm living for someone who didn't get the chance to and find it hard to be happy because of it.