I went in for a physical the day before yesterday and my doctor instead got stuck on mental health stuff. I haven't been in a good place recently, worse than normal, so I was vulnerable/raw enough to let some things I probably shouldn't spill. It kind of felt like everything I said made her more concerned/sure I should be committed and our deal was she wouldn't call an emergency med unit if I came back today.

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I'm kind of numb right now, to be honest, but I think that's just so that I can think through the panic. I've been committed before, semi-voluntary \[ie. "you can go with me and it'll be voluntary or I will take you there regardless," kinda deal\] and it was the worst thing on earth for my mental health. I would literally rather go back to an abusive household than spend any significant amount of time in the hospital. I can't even give her a good reason either, so I can't explain to her why I don't want to go (though I'll still try today).

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It's too quiet in the hospital. Talking to people drains me so I can't use that as a distraction. I've always joked that I don't recommend leaving me alone with myself but it's entirely true. I normally listen to music from the moment I wake up until I am asleep. It is never off. I don't mind silence at times but without any other stimulus, it's just inviting my brain to eat itself. I have never felt more like I was going crazy than when I was in the hospital.

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I have a small comfort zone that's based on having my own space that I can keep people out of. That is literally the only place where my hyper vigilance calms down enough for me to do as little as unclench my jaw. The last time I was in the hospital, I had a migraine for the entirety of my stay, morning to night. There were a few nights where I woke up unable to feel my tongue because I'd bitten down on it and clenched my jaw in my sleep. I'm about to leave for the appointment so I'll try to wrap this up.

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On top of that, I'm in a transitory period and being committed would essentially fuck me over. My lease is about to start, my job is about to start, my school is about to start (though that's a bit farther off). Not being present for any of that means I'll have to redo applications and apologize and explain trying to keep my current arrangements. I could barely get through the footwork this time around, I don't think I can do any of it again. 

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I understand her obligations but all I see is someone telling me how much they care as they shove me off a cliff and it's had me in a panic since the moment she mentioned it. 

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Anyway.

I guess if I update this post I made it through the appointment without ending up in a hospital.