Hello everyone! I just wanted to see if anyone knows anything about this "issue" I have been having / I just wanted to share :) 

So... I was pretty depressed for many years but I think it really hit during 2020, whereby I had a series of life issues that truly derailed me off whatever path I was on, and I like to say that "every pillar that is important in life was down... work, family, friends, relationship, health". I can't say much about it in particular (will get to this later) but basically for the month of July I cried everyday, had headaches, puked a bit, screamed at times, was pretty anhedonic, slept A LOT, planned to die too, etc, honestly time really flew by. 

Some time down the road, after things got better-by-a-lot-but-still-not-great, I realised that I really had serious trouble recalling what happened during those tough moments in life. I seriously don't remember much. It's not that I didn't know that something bad happened, but I can roughly explain what was the gist of it, and I have trouble remembering the details (it's fuzzy, and my head hurts a little when I try to actively recall, so I don't do it). And even if something traumatic were to happen, I would not remember as much of it after a certain point. So it wasn't just the past, but also active experiences that I had difficulty remembering.

So at some point I realised that my memory got a lot worse, so during a particular instance, I typed out a word-by-word live verbatim of an argument with my parents and send it, as it was progressing, to a friend. During that particular argument, it was so bad that I was blasting music into my ears to drown out the scolding, etc. And I was sooo upset by it, but then I suddenly felt fine again. Like I went back to my room crying at first, then I sat down and 10 minutes later I was felt fine so I just started chatting with my friend about like cool stuff in life. And when she wanted to talk about what I went through, what I said about i was more like a "big-understated-picture" of what happened (I was a bit shocked when I went back to read what I typed out too, is like oh wow was that what was said, yea kind of seems familiar). So it was quite a big deal, but I got over it soooo much faster than I used to. If this happened before my memory got poorer, I would probably be jilted over this for a few days (it was a big scolding session with all the "you were born to make me want to kill myself" or sth of the sort type of stuff, yea I think that's the main "quote" I remember because I heard it repeatedly), and it would take me another few days to get back on track, but it took me half an hour perhaps. 

Not just my memory, but if I start to cry (even if it was because of some touching k-drama I watched), I would start to get headaches as though I've cried for hours, so I end up not crying / actively refrain from doing so too. 

I just feel like it's pretty cool how my body sort of adapted to my condition / life experiences. I get over things a lot faster, like it roams around in my head then poof suddenly I don't feel bad about it anymore cause I don't really remember what about it stressed me out. It's not that I got less sensitive to  triggers and bad moments in life, but I do feel like I unintentionally got a lot more resilient. 

BUT, there are also some negative consequences to this "leaky brain" of mind. I don't get stressed out easily now, so I used to be a lot more motivated and high-achieving but now I'm like meh it's all good, it's alright. And if there's anything that is tied to a negative mood, I have a hard time remembering it. For example, if a meeting involves me receiving criticism, and if I don't get to write it down, I honestly don't remember it... I do think I tend to keep some toxic people around too, because things they do that upset me... well, I don't remember them for long, so I would think about confronting them perhaps, but then I would feel like actually it's all okay, it's fine, was it really that bad? Can't remember that accurately anyway. 

Still can't decide if it's more of a "superpower" or an "injury that should be tended to ASAP" but I'm rolling with superpower for now. Thanks for reading!

(For context, I was previously diagnosed with MDD in 2019. Followed up through with my psychiatrist up until 2021, and I didn't follow up after because my parents were against it and also I was doing better too / didn't want to fight for it. My memory honestly used to be pretty good, I could remember a lot better in general. But the more depressed I got, the worse my memory got as well. Even when it came to academics too, from straight As to mainly Bs (if lucky at times). I used to have the tendency to ruminate and replay conversations/happenings in my head to sort of analyse them etc, but I can't do that anymore. Just can't do it. So I guess it's like body is telling me "if you're not going to stop it, then i won't even let you anymore".