There have been a few times in my life where I've felt this hopeless, but I still held on and continued living. I don't know if that's an option this time. Just constantly feeling down and depressed is getting to me. Every time I leave my house it's like an anxious blur. I seriously don't know how I'm gonna cope with my mind being this way for the rest of my life. I self harmed for 4 years and it's left permanent scars over my arms so I haven't worn a t shirt in 1 year or even showed my arms. The scars are deep, they probably will never go away and I'll have to hide them for the rest of my existence. That's what I have, an existence, not a life. 

I left my house for the first time since last year today, and it was only for 20 minutes but I felt awful the whole time. I had my hood up and a mask on to avoid seeing anyone, yet my heart was still pounding. My family know about my depression because they found a suicide letter I'd written while cleaning my room when I was gone. Not much has changed since then, and that was 2020. I still think about suicide daily, last week I came close to actually doing something but like the coward I am, I backed out. I'm thinking if things don't get better I'll jump from a building so high that my chances of surviving are 0%, at least that way I won't have to deal with the shame of failing. I'd be more comfortable to do it at home, but I don't want my family to find me in that state. 

My family are pretty much the only thing I care about. We have been arguing a lot lately because I won't leave the house and it's making them stressed. I spend everyday chronically online and overeating, a useless existence. There is mould growing on my window because I'm too tired to clean it, my room is always a mess. It's honestly for my family's best interest if I end my life so I can rid them of having to deal with me. I'm a burden on the family.