I feel very apathetic towards everything in my life. I just have no drive or ambition towards anything. Like I’m just living just because people tell me to live. I don’t want to be here in life or anywhere really. I just want to not exist. 

A good portion of what I’ve done in life is only for the approval of others. Now that I’m older the more i just stop caring about others. I know you all will probably suggest to maybe try other things now that you don’t care about other people’s opinions. Find things that actually enjoy. I did. I took a break from uni and decided to dive into arts and a bunch of hobbies. I found them to very meaningless. I don’t know how to explain it, but i felt like i was faking enjoying the things i did just to prove to myself that i am getting better and that i am like other people. I did them just to do them. 

I’m just depressed that my family had to be stuck with a daughter like me, because I’m nothing but lazy and careless. I don’t want to burden. It’d be so much easier for me if i could just die in my sleep so i can save myself from hurting my family by committing suicide. Not existing is  the only choice i want.