suicide tw 
i've been doing therapies and short/long term facilities for 7 years. i've taken so many different medications. everyone around me thinks i'm doing so much better right now and i just have to let them think that at this point. my family has been scared for me for too long. i'm only living for them because they've tried to fix me for so long i can't just give up on all they invested idk. basically just living out of guilt for everything that could happen if i stopped. idk i sound dramatic. just my first thoughts in the morning and last thoughts at night are visualizing how where when i could k*ll myself. but i'm dealing with it by myself which is going fine. i just don't really have anyone right now. i haven't really ever thinking about it idk. i have a therapist. the only thing i left my house for was to go see her once a week for a few months. now we're back online because of covid. now i don't leave my house at all. everything has been the same for so long. and i don't have access to anything dangerous just for reader's peace of mind