This is more of a vent(I just want to get this outside somewhere.Maybe it helps). If you know where to look and recommend than please.  


I have a 12 year depression marathon . I'm locked in a country where mental illness is treated as a weakness . I want help . I want to feel something that isn't twisted by my sadistic brain into abusing myself . I want help but I'm not sure where to ask or where to look(27m Serbia) ... I'm tired of feeling and being this way . Only thing keeping me going is sheer spite against ending my life with my own hands .  


Vent:

The last person I opened up to ,told me: "To just be happy" because he thought it would be funny and witty . I keep this mask that exhausts me day to day,more and more,till I have a crash and coup myself in my room.So no one can see me like this a week at a time (I'm not crying.....I'm not doing anything I just wanna sleep ) . I make it an obligation to eat,drink and shower . I've kept this masquerade of me being responsible,fast and fast learning for years. Using my jobs as a distraction to not think or self reflect till I come home . I feel like it's getting even worse lately . I had to hop a job because I needed space so I don't implode . My support circle is non existent. I'm sorry if this has no structure. I've been sleep deprived for 2 weeks .