I constantly cycle between periods where I isolate myself from friends. I find that I feel more in control when I am isolated and keep my feelings to myself.

I get angry when I crack and speak or open up with anyone. I dont know why. 

Sometimes I think I'd like if I felt more secure speaking to people or opening up, because this route just feels like I'm going to die alone and friendless.

And it's my fault. I'm the one who pushes away. When i was younger I'd get sad because no one would reach out to me, but now I dont even blame people.