Hi! I’m still learning, this is a new discovery for my family. My mom, my brother and I just recently had the chance to speak with our family therapist, who instructed us to avoid telling her she has BPD and instead try to read up and improve our family environment first. I love my sister and she has been through so much trauma, so it’s really important that I can give her the support she needs, but I don’t always know if I’m doing the right thing!

She recently had a manic episode when she asked me if I would like to go on a vacation with her and fly across the country. I told her I still wasn’t comfortable flying during the pandemic especially since school just started and I’m teaching in person, but I would be open to taking a staycation or a small trip within driving distance, maybe we could do something outdoorsy like hiking or camping. She got really angry with me and claimed that I hate her, I don’t make time for her, I’m using the pandemic as an excuse, I’m living in fear, my students are more important to me than our relationship, etc. 

I wanted to show that I understood her feelings, so I listened to everything she said and made sure to phrase my responses carefully (“Im glad you told me how you were feeling about our relationship and I’d like to do my best to change that. I love spending time with you, can we plan something fun together that’s driving distance?” / “your feelings are valid and I respect that you’re being so open with me. I apologize for making you feel unloved. How can I support you better?”) but she just kept telling me to either admit that I was wrong and should go on a plane with her, or admit that I dont want to spend time with her and those are my only two options. I kept trying to explain that i appreciate her honesty and would like to speak truthfully as well-I could not choose either option-the truth was I’d love to spend time with her in a way that is safe during Covid. It ended badly and now she won’t speak to me!

You guys, neither of her options are true! I’m a teacher and I am genuinely telling the truth-I don’t want to get on a plane right now and endanger myself, my family and my students. Maybe I am living in fear but I’d rather be safe than sorry. 

Does anybody have any advice for me? I’m not sure how to navigate the current situation, and I’m also wondering if there was a better way for me to communicate with her calmly and openly. I just want to do what’s right, our family has been through a lot of trauma and I’m so terrified that if we don’t find a way to heal together, we will split apart even more. As it is, my father is estranged and my sister and brother do not speak and refuse to see each other, so my mom and I I have to split our time between the two of them. Thanks so much in advance!