Man this is so shitty. I dropped out of college my freshman year, so I missed out on being able to establish a group of friends. My friends here at home that I went to high school with have already moved on with their new lives and new friends, and when I started dating my boyfriend in 2019 I grew further away from them and he was all I really had as time went on.

He dumped me in February and it absolutely destroyed me. (over text!!!!!) I was still living with my roommate so at least I wasn't dealing with it alone. 2 months of trying to heal, he popped back in randomly and we spent another month together. I guess my mindset was that I'd rather be depressed and with somebody than being depressed and alone. I convinced myself we could be better with new circumstances. He ended up leaving me again, told me not to wait. I was crushed. The second time hurt so much worse than the first. 

Fast forward to July. 3am and I hear banging on my door and it's him. I'm me, so you guessed it, I let him in. Lamictal was REALLY holding me together at this point and I was super stable, so I didn't even cry once and it didn't destroy me whenever I thought about how he may up and leave again. But...... I grew dependent. I quite literally have nobody except for him and he's the reason I shower, clean, get out of bed, etc. I live alone now, so it's hard to find a reason to do those things when I'm alone and stuck in my shitty lows. My meds started losing their effect because of numerous things going on, so I'm not as stable as I was in July. I started dreading the day he would decide to leave me again, completely afraid of losing the one person I had and afraid of how bad it would break me this time.

He's leaving me again. Said he doesn't see me in his future anymore. I'm just so sad and broken and afraid to go down this road of heartbreak and self-destruction for the third time. I knew we weren't compatible long term, that I would probably be better off without him, I don't know. I guess I just wanted to believe that things would change, that he and I would change, and that one day we'd be just as in love as we were in the beginning. I wanted it to be him in the end so badly. 

I'm afraid of how detrimental this will be for my mental health. I know the whole "it'll get easier" bullshit line - and I know, things will get easier over time - but knowing me it will probably take a long fucking time. The past month I've been the lowest I've been in a really, really long time - but having him around kept me going as best as I could. And now......I'm completely alone again.