So, I guess the title kind of explains itself but for more context here it is... 

I (f24) had been self sabotaging my relationship for a while, since just after it started actually. I would break up with my boyfriend (24) like clockwork anytime the smallest thing panicked me . And then every time we made up I would expect everything just to fall back to normal, no talking about how I felt and eventually I would push him away again.

He tried to explain how much I was hurting him but of course I wouldnt listen because I was so worried this meant he would finally leave that I continued to push him away before he hurt me anyway...

So, we while we were broken up he slept with a girl he used to have a FWB thingy with. I didnt know right away and thats around the time I was diagnosed with BPD. And then I found out and lost it! 

But really how mad can I be? I pushed and pushed and eventually got what I wanted. Since then he's done everything to reassure me and tells me he thought we really were done (even I thought we really were done) 

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. I know I've been awful but I'm trying to make up for it now I guess I would just like advice on how to move forward if anyone has a similar experience