Hello, so theres a reocuring theme with me, ever since my bpd started to take form more and more this kind of thing only got more severe to a point where i think im unable to maintain anykind of friendship, which makes me really sad.  


I find it difficult to ground myself in what i precive as "probably real" and so the things that keep hammering on in my thoughts torture me more and more, i try my very best to keep telling myself that these things are just imagined, that the abandonment i feel is not real and that my friends love me and want me around, but after sometime that always breaks, and i end up cutting off contact with everyone, blocking them everywhere etc. because in my mind i start to believe that im not wanted, its something that ruined a lot of friendships in the past, and when i meet people i like and become friends with at somepoint i tell them that this kind of thing happens and its nothing personal and that i will come around and get back to them. The issue though is that they grow tired of it, and now here i am again without anyone and im devastated, a week ago i blocked contact after feeling that im not wanted anymore, i tried to talk about it but it was ignored which made it even worse, i dont think it was on purpose, so now i think i finally caught myself again and despite all the awkwardness,shame and guilt that i feel i wanted to pick up contact again, half of my mind telling me its going to be like always where i wont be accepted back the other trying to stay optimistic and try it anyway, after a couple of days of them refusing contact i gave up and im upset and tired. it makes me feel like i shouldnt try socialize anymore cause i cant hold any friendship because of this immense fear of being abandoned and the reaction to it, that no one seems to understand and take personal, i love my friends and i try my hardest but whenever it gets the better of me i gotta keep looking for new places and i dont think i can do that anymore and that i should just stay alone.