It is no wonder that I am single. I posted awhile ago about clinging to certain people in my life, especially male authority figures. I posted about how this has been slowly destroying my professional opportunities. I posted about how I want to stop it.
I am stopping it now. I have stopped texting supervisors outside work. I have stopped texting just for the sake of texting, or emailing when there's nothing (professional) to say. Just to read some kind of human interaction from someone else. However, this is very difficult so any support would be welcome. I am trying to keep busy, but I keep feeling a tugging sensation in my chest, thinking, "You can end this loneliness by just sending out a message. He will reply, even if he thinks less of you for it." Still, I know I have to stop and that desperate conversations with my boss are not substitutes for real intimacy.

I feel like I have so much love and no one to give it to. Recently I've also been gripped by some illogical baby mania (I am childfree and will always be so), which is making things extra hard. I find myself thinking of baby names, imagining coming home and hugging my son (who doesn't exist). I have a whole life planned out for him. But I know it's not real and I know it cannot be.

I dream about being married even though I would not be so mad as to inflict myself, with all my mental issues and baggage, on another person. Moreover I don't even have acquaintances, let alone friends, so why the hell would I be married? But I just want to not be lonely. It hurts even if I tell people I don't mind. I have cultivated this whole alternative identity for myself, the antisocial modern woman - as if not having children made me somehow superior - who 'don't need no man'. But it hurts and I just want some kind of connection.

Unfortunately I can't foster animals due to living arrangements, but does anyone have any solutions? I just need to talk to someone and have that person talk back to me. Online chats don't cut it - the person has to mean something to me. There has to be an element of authority in it. I don't even know what I'm saying but it hurts.