I’m starting to forget happy memories, most of my happy memories bring the image of Friends #1 C.A or Friend #2 C.G.W into my head. But I can’t remember their voices. I don’t know how to cry anymore, most happy memories only come back when I’m with the person those memories are tied to.  I’m forgetting things more I can barely remember things that happen within a weeks time. I find it so easy and like a habit to give up on things or to expect the worst when doing something so I’m not disappointed. I think daily about suicide and when a room is quiet that’s all my head says. I think of suicide as a back up plan or an escape from this place, no worries or anything. I like to sleep more and more and eat terribly. Though when teachers classmates or even family ask how I am I turn it around and act completely fine. Like I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Though I think I’m getting less and less empathetic, from when I’m told of terrible things happening I know these things are bad though I put on another act outside something fake looking sad, I just think what is the best way to act given the information. I don’t seem to have an emotional reaction to things it’s just oh that’s bad how should I present myself to fit in. When I deal with emotional pain it only really comes from thinking about the two friends I listed above and when I feel sad or anxious I slap myself or use my belt and whip my legs, or back I’d think these places would be the easiest to hide if I’m out wearing a t-shirt the marks are still covered. I haven’t cried in so long. I laugh when I’m sad sometimes or when I slip on some ice or a bump in the sidewalk, saying after oh your so stupid just worthless space, give up, all my head says is shut up over and over. I would play music loud in headphones to quiet my head but in class I’m so nervous to play music in headphones out of fear people might hear me so I play it so I can barely here it and then the thoughts come back. I zone out more often and day dream about how I should go about ending it all though I’m afraid of pain the most and if I’m not successful I’ll suffer to death or worse be forced to live in a hospital bed. I feel lonely all the time yet I never try to make friends I feel I’m just I waist of time no one really cares. Also I’ve tried loving some like a relationship but I screwed that up from being too nervous, and I ended it quickly with some weak excuse, that was a couple years ago now and I haven’t found anyone that I would genuinely love