*Long post warning*

A little back story. 

I'm in my 30's, have been in dead end long term relationships my entire 20's. (I feel as if alot of my "good" years were wasted). I spent alot of time during my 20's working on advancing myself further in my career to have a decent future. Not just for me but whatever partner I had at the time. My family wasn't wealthy by any means growing up, both my parents worked extremely hard and not so great paying jobs. I wanted to be the one who could pave my own path to a better future and give back to my parents as well. Ill admit I probably didn't spend enough time with my partners because of this, which is why they all ended. I tried to explain what the goal was in hopes they understand. 

So fast forward to recent years. Iv been single for about 3.5 years now since my last relationship. I took a step back and took time to work on myself. They say you can't be in a happy relationship without being happy with yourself. Iv been going to the gym pretty regularly to stay in decent shape, done things that make me happy, made a conscience effort to think/be more positive and have achieved where I want to be financially. Honestly iv felt pretty good and have held off the desire for a partner. Yea it got lonely sometimes but it wasn't a huge deal. 

Lastnight I was a groomsman in one of my good friends wedding. I felt/thought I looked great for the first time in a while. While at the reception the groom was trying to hook me up with one of the brides friends. She was an absolutly beautiful brunette and roughly my height. We ended up being brought together as a "first introduction" by the groom to slow dance. Boy was it awkward, like really awkward. It was kind of like x this is y. Go dance type deal. (Keep in mind I can't dance to save my life) So I'm confident in myself as a person but I'm really socially awkward around women that I dont know/havent gotten to know over a period of time. Iv never been a social butterfly either so that doesn't help my case. The song ends and it turns into one of those macherina type songs and we kinda go our separate ways on the floor. That was the end of it. 

Now its towards the end of the reception and something clicks in my head. Im in this deep dark place.   Iv been watching all these couples dance, laugh, and have fun together all night long. Here I am acknowledging what iv been trying to hide for so long. A loving caring partner of my own. Then come the thoughts of how out of "connection " I am with dating/interacting with women I am. Thinking about how I blew whatever slim chance I had thanks to my lack of outgoing social skills. 

At this point everything's over and everyone left. The plan was to head out to a local bar and meet up with everyone from the wedding. We arrive to an absolute shitshow with the bar being packed. Already being in a dark place I wasn't feeling it but I put on my smile and tried to have a good time. The groom mentions that "x" is here at the bar with her friends (some other dude was  talking to her at the point aswell) and that I should go talk to her. I felt like a worthless loser and didn't have a single ounce of courage to do it. Which actually made me feel even worse. So I drank a single drink and left. I walked 20 minutes in the rain by myself back to the rooms and went to sleep. 

Here we are today, I'm home and still feel terrible. Im not sure what the point of this post was other then venting to a bunch of strangers. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling anyone who I knew this.