Think about it, if I somehow manage to shut the doors no one will be as terrified or hurt anymore. It might be a way to control my personality disorder, probably not but it's worth a shot. 
If I keep it to myself no one knows what's going on therefor, they won't have to worry. 
I'll never be called anything. I'll have psychotic breakdowns quietly, on my own time instead of people being aware that it's happened or happening. 

If I completely close up I won't be called dramatic or crazy, it'll be between myself, Reddit and that's it. Just don't tell anyone anything, keep even more back and honestly just work on the surface. 

I just want someone to talk to that will help me, Ive only ever been my own guide. I'm not allowed in therapy anymore, I've gone through every fucking place where I live. I have medication for other stuff but I'm left with BPD and these breakdowns. I'm left with it by myself 