Hi Reddit. I really need help right now.

I was recently diagnosed with BPD but I haven't been able to find a DBT therapist yet. I haven't told my boyfriend because I'm embarrassed too. He does know I suffer from breakdowns, severe anxiety, etc.

Today has been awful. This morning, I basically went off on him for a very small reason (him walking away and asking if we could talk about it later, not during the work day). I yelled, called him an asshole, said fuck you, refused to let him end the conversation, etc. We eventually talked about it and moved on, but he was still upset.

Then, after we were done with work for the day, I asked him if he wanted to watch TV. He said no, he wanted to play his guitar and then maybe we could go for a drive later. This triggered me insanely because hanging out with him watching TV is how I feel I get my "quality time" with him each night. I got upset again-- not as bad as before, but I followed him when he wanted to stop talking and wouldn't let it drop. He kept saying he had done nothing wrong by not wanting to watch TV tonight, especially since I had hurt him earlier. He said he was going off to play guitar and that \*maybe\* we could hang out later if I would stop berating him. I spend the whole time stewing in the other room and feeling abandoned and sad and despairing, but reminding myself that we get to hang out soon.

An hour goes by. He walks out and asks how I'm doing, and I say "fine". He leaves again. I walk into the bedroom to see him laying on the bed. I say "so, I guess we're not hanging out then?" He said "well, it seems like you're still not in a very good mood, so maybe we shouldn't." 

And this is where all hell broke loose. I screamed "BECAUSE I SAID FINE?!" and kept screaming that over and over, punctuating each sentence by slamming my hand into the door. He looked at me like I was crazy and said "what the fuck?" Sobbing, I went out into the other room. He came out through the hallway and I started screaming again, and I can't even remember what I was saying now-- things like "fuck you", "I hate you", etc etc. He said "you are completely out of control." I screamed "FUCK YOU!" and started punching the wall until my fist started bleeding. He said "I'm leaving, this is insane", and started gathering up his things. I was crying hysterically and said please don't go, I'm really struggling, please don't go. When he didn't stop, I said I felt like I wanted to kill myself. He said that that was manipulative and he was going. He walked out with me chasing him down our apartment steps, begging him to stop and talk to me for 5 minutes, but he got in his car and left.

He's been gone for an hour and I've been texting him and begging him to talk to me and calling nonstop, and he won't even reply. This is the worst breakdown I've ever had around him, and I feel like he doesn't care at all. If anyone I knew said they were "really struggling", I would not leave, and I would definitely not ignore them.

What I'm struggling with right now, as I'm sitting here crying and typing this, is-- I know I've behaved very badly today and that he's had enough, but wouldn't a caring, loving partner see how you're struggling and want to help you? Wouldn't he stay after I'm begging him and telling him I feel out of control and I need help? Or am I looking at this the completely wrong way? Please help, I'm really struggling.