I've had emotional problems ever since elementary school. My best friend always used to tell me i'm too sensitive, ive had intense crushes that i got over as soon as my crush showed interest in me, im extremely impulsive and that also backfired on me multiple times. When i was 13-14 my mom saw my cuts from when i was cutting myself and i went to a psychologist. I desperately wanted her to tell me i was depressed, because i wanted to have a word and a solution for what was wrong with me. I always felt unstable. My psychologist told me i was going through a normal phase in puberty since everything was changing around me. At that time i also told my mom i thought i had bpd because ive been researching it a lot, but she didnt believe me. Since then i havent told anyone about this.
I'm 16 now and i'm so fed up with my constant mood swings and instability that i finally went to get help. I made an appointment with a psychologist and psychiatrist but thats in 3 months. Again, im desperate for a medical professional to tell me that somethings wrong with me and how i think and that we're finally going to work on how to fix me. I dont want to feel like this anymore. How i feel has never influenced my life as much as now. Im closed down, irritable, unhappy, anxious. Some parts of the day i can be happy and have hope, but i never know when that will come crashing down. I started cutting again and have suicidal thoughts. Most of the time i feel sick to my stomach because of my anxiety and because im disgusted at myself. Because i feel sick to the stomach i eat irregularly and have a hard time finishing my meals. But because i have mood swings my eating habits are irregular and im constantly either losing or gaining weight.
Im scared people wont believe me. Im so scared of people telling me that what i feel is normal or that it isnt as bad as it seems. Ive gotten so used to feeling this way im scared ill beileve them. What if im fine? What if this is just the way im going to have to live my life? Absolutely alone with no way of communicating how i really feel inside? 