I've had this feeling on and off that nothing's real and everything is pre-programmed in my teens that's gotten stronger and more frequent lately. That everyone we meet we were meant to meet by some other force or someone controlling it. That everything we do isn't personal choice but a predisposition. Not in the sense of fate or destiny, but in the sense that our lives are premeditated by someone else or some other force. 

I don't feel real a lot of the time. I often catch myself thinking life is all one big test and that this isn't our one true life but something to prepare us for whatever comes next. Often I feel like I'm the only person being tested and other people are acting strange. Sometimes I think they're trying to gather information on me. They seem like robots and something is off. I try not to think about it too much or I start to panic or dissociate worse.

A lot of things seem sinister to me. I believe most corporations are out to get us and make a profit from our suffering. I think the media fear mongers and makes issues seem exponentially worse to further various gains. I sometimes think mental illness have been invented by drs so they can keep me medicated, under thumb and sick enough so I'll never realise my true potential. Maybe I'm not mentally ill at all but they're telling me I am. I feel like everyone over exaggerates my symptoms, even when I'm begging strangers to verbally abuse me on reddit at 2 30 am crying hysterically while I research how to OD.

I'm paranoid. I think people want to kill me or hurt me a lot. Sometimes I think people are after me. I don't feel real a lot of the time. I feel like a husk. Often I just stop thinking and everything goes blank. I feel like I move slower. That time has no meaning. That nothing really matters. I feel like I'm floating and that my body isn't really my own, and I'm watching my life and decisions from a distance. When I 'come down' and start feeling 'normal', I'll have a huge panic attack because the sensations of life suddenly seem too vivid and I go into sensory overload.

Does anyone else with bpd feel this way?