ever since I was a child I've been relatively lonely with very few friends because of my obesity I spent most of my time inside of cramped trailer my main source of emotional connection was with my cats which I one died when I was around nine bl the other one still alive anyway what I really want to talk about is my phobia of being murdered this is because when I was a child I watched a program about crimes usually consisting of murder,rape, suicide, etc this may not sound that bad but my age I believe was the younger than 10 at the time I was watching it. It severely mentally scarred me one time after a particular episode I switched my tv to nick jr because of my scare nature I do not remember much else but I still remember how fearful I was every Creek was a murderer's footsteps to me that night. the reason I kept watching the show I still do not fully know I had both a fear and interest in the show and it's attributed to when I was a kid my bizarre interest in the grotesque still when I was below 10 I started watching stuff like monsters inside me and later in life unsolved. after watching all of these this made me extremely paranoid that everyone was out they kill me every friend every classmate was someone waiting to kill me I feel like this is a bit random but one time it could not hold a knife without having the  sudden urge just stabs someone luckily I no longer feel the urge when I hold a sharp object I have a lot more to say but I want to hear feedback about my condition I don't know if I have a mental disorder but I really need help I really need comfort and I really need answers the next time I post on the site it will be about my parental figures and they're involvement  please note besides one particular figure I feel like they did not know the mental damage they were doing to me please I simply want some comfort