i honestly feel pathetic even writing this. i’m 19 and alone, no job, no relationship, 3 friends i barely see. i rot in my room every goddamn day. i try to explain to my parents, and i can’t even go into explicit detail when it comes to the things i want to do to myself, the things i plan to do, at some point, when i find enough fucking courage. it’s cowardly and embarrassing that i’m not gone yet. there’s nothing here for me, no one. i know my parents love me, and i feel like when i go, they’ll feel like they failed, but they did the best they could. i’ve felt like this for almost a decade and to this day i don’t know why. dad asks me why i’m depressed, why i feel this way, and i don’t know. 

there’s something seriously wrong with me. thinking about my own body lifeless on the floor or even in my bed almost brings me joy. i find happiness in nothing. i’m a musician, a guitarist, i haven’t picked up my guitar in almost a year, i am broken. i want to go before my niece has a chance to REALLY remember who i was. i don’t want to have a negative impact on her. 

i’m just so tired, but when i say that it’s always “you’re 19, how can you be tired? you haven’t even lived yet” i feel like i’ve lived a thousand lives, the pain i feel having to wake up every day is indescribable. i don’t know what to do anymore. there’s this constant ache in my heart and in my head and nothing can fix it.

i can only pretend for so long, my sister said i can call her whenever, but i don’t want to do that. i don’t want help. i’m so sick in the head i don’t even think i need it. i just need to sleep for a very very long time that’s all. i wish i knew what happiness felt like, it seems so beautiful. i used to have so much hope for the future, when i was a little girl i thought i’d have the world at my feet by now, but it never works out like that.