TW

me and my boyfriend have been together for three years. I didn’t know I had BPD until three months ago. Once the honeymoon phase ended, we were fighting all of the time. I was so mean and evil. I yelled and screamed. Cussed him out. He was so nice before.
This went on for a whole year until one day he got so frustrated he pushed me off the bed while I was yelling.
That began our somewhat violent relationship. 
I pushed back. It was just pushing at first. Then it stopped. It just depends on my episodes.
Then a year ago he kicked me. I can’t remember the argument but I didn’t want him to leave because of my abandonment issues I didn’t know I had. I kept blocking the door and he told me to move and I refused. And then he kicked me.
I stopped ‘trapping’ him and then that stopped.
I’ve had less episodes since I’m more aware now
But sometimes if I’m mad about something it almost seems like he can’t take it anymore when I start yelling and he just pushes me.
I naturally push back and then it gets bad.
Last night he punched my arms.
And he said “im going to throw you out of the room” cause I wouldn’t shut up.
Other than these instances he doesn’t show signs of “abusive” domestic partners. He never randomly rages or threatens me randomly. They seem to only come after my episodes begin. I feel like I pushed someone I loved to hurt me and no longer have compassion for me...
I am not scared of him or fear my safety. 
I just don’t know what to do and I feel so alone. I just know these are barriers that have been broken and I don’t know if it can ever be fixed.
Sometimes I think maybe if I heal from my disorder then I’ll never have a reason to rage and hell never hurt me again.
But I don’t know.
I’m sad.
