she never got to live a good life thanks to me. 10+ psych ward visits. going through years of therapy and multiple therapists she had to drive me to. she had to see my self harm wounds, she was there and had to look at my slit open arms after my first suicide attempt. she recently confessed to me the image of that night, of the blood all over the floor is still branded into her mind. and on top of all that i used to be verbally abusive towards her when i was a teen, calling her names. 

it’s been years since then and yet still, i am still dependent on her. she has to help me get groceries because there’s days i don’t make it out of the house due to my disability. she still has to handle some of my phone calls because i’m too scared to call people. i live alone now so at least i put a few less burdens off her shoulder but i’m still a heavy stone on her back. i wish i was never born. not only is my life terrible for me but also for her, thanks to me. after an amazing recovery period in 2019 something traumatizing happened to me in 2020, setting me back completely. i was diagnosed with ocd and ptsd due to what happened. and yet again, she had to watch me almost disappear in pain. 

a few days ago she broke down crying. blaming herself for what happened to me. she was sobbing so hard she started to hyperventilate, begging me to not kill myself. i am trying so, so hard to get better. but knowing i ruined half of her life is keeping me up at night. 

deep down i know having bpd isn’t my fault. i know i was abused as a child, resulting in a lot of my mental problems. but i wish i was never born, replaced by a better child. someone that isn’t in their 20s, someone that didn’t ruin my mothers best years, and still continues to do so by being alive.