I am a teenager and am currently doing online school. For the last 3 weeks my anxiety has spiked up really bad. I have always had the whole thing, OCD, Social anxiety and just plain anxiety all wrapped in a package but it's never hit me like it has recently. My paranoia has been out of control, I feel like I'm dying and having a panic attack all the time. 

I wake up having a panic attack in the middle of the night or when I'm in that middle of sleep and wake. I wake up gasping for air like you would after a nightmare and my days are just as bad with the feeling of someone sitting on my stomach and that causes my throat to feel tight. My OCD makes repeatably wash my hands, in the past this was until they bleed but I'm trying to hold back. Right now I honestly want to have a mental breakdown every day, I can't sleep, I can't eat. And I know it's all in my head because I have these moments of clarity but I feel like I'm going insane. People keep telling me that I need to figure out what's causing the anxiety but for the love of God I dont know. All I know is that I'm miserable. For two days I found that taking night quil at night makes me eventually fall asleep, so I've been getting at least a few hours depending on the day, and sometimes I have to watch videos to distract me from trying to breath so I can eat. 

I can tell everyone in my house thinks I'm crazy. I've told them something was wrong with me and I needed to see a doctor. (I have prescribed anxiety meds) but the ones I have aren't working and my paranoia keeps telling me it's something more. There have been days when I doubted whether or not I was going to wake up. Not because I harmed myself but because my brain told me that is how sick I was. And I know that I'm stressing my mom and that she does care, but when she keeps asking me if im taking my medicine or has my step dad go secretly check to make sure, I feel so sad. Like don't you think I'm doing everything I can to make this awful feeling go away? And she will tell me to tell her about my anxiety but the truth is I shouldn't unless I have a therapist appointment because then she fusses because shes too worried about me to function but if I dont tell her the same thing applies. It's not her fault but I wish she realised that if I could just stop I would. I don't blame her for seeing me and saying for me to just stop but I wish I could!! I'm taking my meds, so it's better than if I wasn't but I'm still barely coping. I've been looking up online things to deal with anxiety but those have short term effects and don't help my panic attacks. I feel like it's all my fault and I know that it is, but I wish I could make the part in me doing it to stop. Half the time I'm hearing myself and I know I sound crazy but I need someone to tell me I'm crazy rn. I honestly don't know what I should do. I have a couple more days until my next appointment and I'm just surviving until then. Thanks for listening, if you have any advice please share. Thankyou.