
I can't find the words to express what I'm feeling. I can find words to describe what I'm thinking and what emotions move me but they feel hollow and pointless. They do nothing except reminding myself of what I'm already thinking and feeling. And I don't want to be reminded because it is so tiring and it hurts.
I have few but caring people who are willing to listen but I just can't force myself to talk to them about what pain I'm experiencing. I feel like I am burdening them for nothing. Talking or venting about my problems doesn't offer any relief because afterwards they are just as real as before. In some very rare instances, when I feel like I am short to exploding into a thousand pieces, it can take the edge off. But I always feel bad afterwards for dragging someone into this mess with me. I don't want them to have to worry and feel guilty because they can't help me. Their thoughts don't have to also circle around these negative things I am already thinking about. I don't feel like I can enrich their lives with anything when I'm that miserable. And they also have do deal with their own problems. So I end up not talking to them. The periods where I feel like I can positively contribute to their lives and enjoy communicating are getting fewer and fewer.
I feel like I locked myself in and I can't get out anymore. 

I'm tired, not physically or only a little maybe. But my head feels so tired. I need to consciously force myself to do anything now. 
It started with the normal things, the things most people just do in their daily life. Like cleaning, cooking, personal hygiene etc. I still do these things but with every time I force myself, it gets a little harder and I feel like more energy is drained from me. The little things that made them enjoyable like good music while cleaning or the freshness you feel after a shower just became too normal and don't do anything anymore. Like they lost their magic or I lost something. 
But it also started to affect the things that should offer joy like hobbies. Slowly every bit of enjoyment is pulled from these tasks and I'm questioning myself why bother doing it when it doesn't make you feel good or accomplished in some way? Then I force myself to do them because you gotta do something right? And then I start hating it. 

I haven't found anything that helps me to regain energy or something worth aiming towards because I feel too exhausted to look and everything I find, I slowly lose interest and joy in and it becomes just one more of these unfulfilling things have to force myself to do. 
I feel like there is nothing to live for. And for me personally that is fine. I feel so tired and hurt that I don't need to go on. But it wouldn't be right for the people around me. So I think: when I can't have anything that keeps me going maybe I can just force myself a little longer for the people around me. But since I have been already doing that for a while now and its eating me up I don't think I will be able to go much longer without a purpose.