(going to provide some context to get the most accurate advice)

i came home from uni after a suicide attempt due to being triggered from hearing my two housemates bitch about me. it’s been awful since then i was so angry with them i pushed them away even more despite them being genuinely apologetic i didn’t trust them and i’ve pushed all of my friends away. it’s been resolved as much as possible but i’m sure they probably don’t see me the same and probably resent me for the way i hurt them whilst i was splitting (i really went in and can be very nasty when i’m angry) during the episode i gave away my room in the house i was going to share with them next year, because of this i don’t want to bother trying to fix the friendship seeing as i’ll always feel left out and reminded that they all live together without me. i tried to sort it when i realised they were genuinely angry i thought they didn’t want me in the house as i was so convinced they’d be happy i wasn’t going to be living with them. however they think this was ‘conveniently’ timed with someone else wanting the room when it genuinely wasn’t. ive tried to explain as much as possible i had no agenda and didn’t mean to be such a bitch but i don’t think they see me the same anymore, bpd must seem incomprehensible to those who aren’t disordered, i’m convinced they probably still blame me. they think it’s only fair the other person keeps my room but to me it still feels unfair and like a betrayal. 

anyways, at home i have absolutely nothing to do i’m just sat in bed obsessing and fixating on everything i’ve done. atleast at uni i could use the facilities (library, dance studios) and try find a job. i feel suffocated when my family tries to talk to me about how i’m feeling, i literally can’t open up to them it makes me feel nauseous and i just shut down and get annoyed when they speak to me. 

so basically i either stay at home - with the support of my mum helping me with daily tasks like washing, cleaning and cooking food, but feeling very trapped and irritable and like a ticking time bomb, or i go back to uni where i now have no close friends and to be around people i’m convinced don’t like me anymore, will have to care for myself independently (very difficult right now given how depressed i am) but i have the chance to do something with my life and i honestly don’t think i’m going to feel better staying at home i feel suffocated and trapped but i’m worried of declining at uni aswell after everything that’s happened between me and my friends and my lack of motivation to rebuild the friendships when it feels pointless given the house situation next year.