this is a long post and i mention a lot of things personal to myself, i dont need support in the comments(although if any of you have anything to say, ill listen). i just want to get this out bc idk who else to tell. 

i have always been really into expressing myself in every way possible and my main way of doing this is with my appearance. this may also be because of my ADD but i seem to become hyperfixated on certain subcultures and aim to look exactly like that, and its lead to a lot of confusion from my friends as to why my appearance changes so drastically. 

in 7th grade, i was emo as hell. i wore all black with tons of my chemical romance pins and shit like that. in 8th grade, i went for the punk look. i wore safety pins as earrings, got my nose pierced, and shaved and dyed my hair into a bright green mohawk. i even customized this leather jacket to have spikes and patches all over it. 9th grade i cant say for sure, but 10th grade was my stoner ish phase where i wouldnt be seen without a sublime, nirvana, or grateful dead shirt. and shortly after 10th grade i decided the, for lack of better terms, "thot" look was the way to be, i started putting an hours worth of work into my makeup every day and id wear tube tops with my adidas pants and air force ones. and now somehow ive got this pastel anime girl look going on, ive already bought two skirts and i do not plan on stopping. 

im just rambling at this point, but ive always had the need to attach myself to some group of people, even if i dont actually know anyone whos anything like that. im just still confused as to why i went from having a unique look to being more basic for a few months- not that theres anything wrong with that look, a lot of people can pull it off, it just never fit me. 

i do feel as though over the years ive become a bit more positive thought-wise, and that can be reflected through all the different appearances ive had. when i was 12, i hated the world and myself so i showed that through dressing in black and grey and overall negative imagery. when i was 13, i began to grow out of it a little bit, i was more in the mindset that peoples opinions dont matter, and if i want a bright green mohawk no one can stop me (except my parents. but they didnt. s/o to them for always having let me look however i want)

i also dont quite know why i didnt have a definitive "phase" in 9th grade. i was inbetween a basic look and pastel, but then again i can barely remember that whole year considering how uneventful it was. when i started smoking and drinking and doing all sorts of fun stuff of course i immediately clung to the stoner look, but i regret it now because people spread a lot of stories of the drugs i did and im generally seen as an addict, especially when some girl decided to tell everyone she saw me shooting up heroin in the bathroom (i do not and will never under any circumstances touch that kind of shit. 

i started dressing much more revealing and putting more effort into my appearance when my bf at the time left me so it makes sense to me that i started doing that, as is obvious im a borderline and if im not being loved then ill at least take superficial attention from guys on tinder. 

but now i have a new bf. a much better one. and i feel almost kinda happy for the first time in a while. and all my clothes are light pink and blue and purple and white and i have shelves in my room literally full of vintage care bears and my little ponies. and i think through my appearance im communicating to people that im okay for once. 

now to just hope that this "phase" sticks around and that i dont end up having to sell all my pastel clothes on ebay to afford some other style of clothes