I have BPD. My friend killed themselves due to rejection from a romantic partner. Ik it’s never someone else’s fault, i understand and believe that. He is an older male, not diagnosed but potentially quiet BPD or just a sensitivity to abandonment. I wish she would have just spoke to him and provided some empathy in his moment of need. Ik people need to prioritize their own emotions - i won’t make her into a villain as a way of displacing my anger - - - but he would be alive if she had found a way to reassure him in this moment - she could have found a way to prioritize herself while also recognizing the gravity of his emotions. The hours leading up to his death were chaotic im told.

He was like a brother to me. Not in the way every male calls their other friends “brother” - like an actual older brother who had an immeasurable impact on my life. He was wise, caring, supportive, and he made everyone around him feel welcomed and encouraged. He was a gentle soul who found connection and hope in animals and art. 

I’m an advocate for lgbtq+ people and i think it’s of the upmost importance that we continue highlight the endless injustice against people of color. Trans suicide is devastating and the rates are sad and alarming. But i can’t help but feel my friends’ mental illness went unseen due to him being a financially “successful”, beautifully attractive white man. Idk why i feel the need to mention all this. But i do? Maybe to remind myself and others that all mentally ill people are vulnerable people.

I can’t stop thinking about his last few moments. I wish more than anything i could have known and teleported to where he was, hug him and stop him. 

His suicide has made me question if i was ever really suicidal at all, despite stating that i was at times. For me, i’ve always thought of suicide as permanent nothingness - we’ll all become nothing at some point - rather be something until then - hence id rather be miserable than nothing for now. 

Ik i can’t control any1 of you - but i beg you, please don’t kill yrself. There’s people that love you. You may very well not be “seen” and not feel any hope - but if u can’t see things ever getting better - stay here please - be miserable instead of nothing. Be miserable with me. Stay in bed for weeks, stare at ur ceiling, make art, run away, scream at some1, punch your wall, take a bath, a walk, smoke cigarettes, exercise, write a poem, watch a dumb show for 24 hrs straight, cry… whatever else just please don’t leave.