So, I did AWOL and LOA last year and this semester should be my last (since max residency and all that).

I honestly can't handle applications and asking people for help. It's not really about me being stumped, I know what needs to be done. It's more of freezing up and being incapable of handling paperwork and shaking and I really should breathe now.

My brother's gf messaged me last night about how she hasn't seen my enrollment yet (she works at the university I study) and that message honestly made me go into one of my worst panic attacks. I locked my door and just laid down on the floor and cried while hugging a stuff toy. It wasn't the bawl-your-eyes-out cry. It's more of the silent tears where you already know you're useless and nothing is gonna make your situation better. That type of intense emotion due to resignation towards life. 

Just now, my brother called me (this is out of character; he's so busy and he mostly messages and never calls). He didn't reprimand me why I haven't done the re-enrollment. He just said that he'll message me the required paperwork, even made me a numbered list of tasks to do. He emphasized how I just need to ask for help if I need it. I didn't expect that. 

And..! Guess what, everyone? I actually messaged my university in how I should handle my reapplication! Albeit it's in mobile since I can't open my Gmail in the laptop yet (it still feels too real and too formal and formality requires me to face the reality of my situation). Now I just have to message my thesis adviser and ask for her signature or something. And explain why I ghosted her for 2 years but small steps first, ya know.

I'm feeling better for the first time in years. Wish me luck!!