**tl;dr:** I've been diagnosed with Anxiety/Depression, Bipolar 1 and ADHD-C w/ASD Traits by different psychiatrists at different times in my life. They had no background information, every single psych started from scratch. None are officially co-morbid. I've been in denial about my recent Bipolar diagnosis because I felt like it didn't fit me, because my mood cycles aren't consistent and "I obviously know better than my psych, I'm fine"/s. Does Bipolar need to follow a certain pattern?  


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I've had mental health issues for as long as I can remember. It flared up between the ages of 11 and got worse from there. I've never been hospitalized and I've never been arrested **but** it has caused significant issues with school, work and relationships (family, friends, partners). My symptoms are... honestly all over the place (inconsistent) and I never know where to start because different aspects flare up at different times.  


90% of the time I fit the criteria for ADHD w/ASD traits perfectly. Being medicated for ADHD improved my life significantly and I don't want to give that up. I managed great with Adderal, but somewhere between 18-20 I started to develop mood symptoms. I recently went to a new psych to talk about my problems and he diagnosed me with Bipolar type 1. 


**Heightened Mood Symptoms**

* Pacing. My energy levels vary during an episode but sometimes I'll exercise or pace.  
* More sexual urges and obsessions with people - usually revolving around the idea that they're "the one". 
* Starting new, expensive hobbies or spending a lot of money. 
* I drink a lot and make riskier decisions (unsafe sex, drugs, walking alone at night). 
* I feel like my life has *meaning*. I feel like I can do *anything* I want to and the world is my oyster. 
* Feeling better than every other person alive. Because I think I finally realized the secret to life OR I get *really* into conspiracy theories. 
* Disrupted sleep. I can always sleep but I sleep less and pull all-nighters without feeling tired. 
* A lot of "great" ideas for creative projects.
* Talking fast. 
* Fighting more with my partner and *very* intense emotions and outbursts.  
* Sense of dread. Like something/someone is going to harm me. I'm absolutely terrified if I'm alone at night.  
* Severe anxiety and/or paranoia. I feel constantly on edge and like people are watching/following me. I feel like my boyfriend is cheating on me. 
* Hallucinations (??). Sometimes I swear I can hear people talking about me, although I can't make out the words. Sometimes I glance at people and it looks like they have a mess of red and blood instead of a face (it always goes away after a second). Sometimes I'll see a car tailgating me and I look back and there's nothing there, even if there were no turn offs/driveways. Thinking I can hear voices is the most common.  
* Mentally repeating the same sentence over and over again while staring at a wall, rocking or pacing. 
* Occasionally I recognize that I'm so far from baseline it terrifies me and I think about going to hospital. 

 

**Low Mood Symptoms** 

* Suicidal. 
* Hopeless, like my life has no meaning. 
* No sense of self-worth, I genuinely hate myself.  
* Lay in bed all day. 
* Eat a lot. 
* Binge-watch television or sleep. 
* I don't want to see people or go anywhere public. 
* Drink a lot and call the suicide hotline/think about checking myself into hospital.
    

    
It should be painfully obvious but I feel like I'm *fine* in the moment. Whatever extreme I'm in feels like *that's the only way I've ever felt*, it's like I forget everything else and rationalize new behaviors. When other people mention how I'm acting, I think they're over-reacting and I'm "just stressed" or "sad". It feels real to me *but* it's never been to the point of involuntary-hospitalization. I can hide it, I can function.   


I just... I'm not convinced it's Bipolar. I thought mania/hypomania was meant to come with tons of energy and very little sleep. I can usually sleep fine, even if it's only 3-5 hours, and my energy levels vary. The pattern doesn't follow what I've read about Bipolar. I usually get suicidal for a couple of weeks *then* slide into 'hypo/mania' with a week of moderate depression afterwards. The episodes are never long (2-3 weeks with ramping up symptoms, then a week or two of more serious symptoms) and I tend to isolate myself during both extremes.  


Do my symptoms line up with Bipolar? Does bipolar need to have consistent mood cycles of average-manic-depressed? What does high-functioning mean in terms of Bipolar Disorder? 