[TW- some suicidal themes/speaks badly of self]
Hopefully I didn't offend anyone forgot to put a trigger warning sooner. 

Yesterday and this morning everything was hunky dory, but today I just keep yelling at the people I care about. I yelled at my fp (my boyfriend) then after I yelled at him, I told him to join the other discord server with our friends. Then he left, and I felt terrible, very guilty, and I realized I shouldn't even be around them like this. I also didn't join to see if he'd notice because im toxic and he didn't say anything or even notice so I just said "I'm sorry for yelling at you, but I'm not in a good mood so I'm going to go take a nap." I don't know what to do or say now. 

I just want to be loved, held.. cuddled... and I act like a toxic little child and then expect people to understand me or want to help me. I feel like I'm going to lose everyone because I can't stop being a spazz. I feel useless, worthless, suicidal, and very alone right now. I just want him to notice that I'm gone, to want me to come back, but he doesn't even know and I don't deserve it. I'm just tired of being like this.. It was like 0-100. 

Now, it seems that suddenly all I can do is cry in bed, and try not to effect anyone else with my emotions.. I want to be around people, but I can't reach out, everyone has heard it all before, especially my boyfriend.. I feel so volatile. I don't know what to do with myself. Right now, I feel like I'm better off gone... 

But I also know that's just my illness talking and I'll be better in an hour potentially, everything completely forgotten. So I guess this was a vent but if anyone could give me some tips on how to stop lashing out at the people I love, testing them, playing the victim, and to stop crying over nothing, that would be nice.

[Edit] added trigger warning

[Edit] As predicted I'm feeling fine again when literally hours ago I was bawling lol.. bpd be wilding guys I swear. Thanks for listening everyone, take care of yourselves.