I feel like my life is basically one giant loop of depression and always has been. When I was younger I was very young I always had immense difficulties befriending or even connecting with anyone at all. All through elementary school I didn’t have a single friend and spent basically ever second alone. I tried to connect with people anyone, but they always brushed me off even when I tried my best. I got involved with so many different things including baseball, lacrosse, and programming but ever single one of those ended in exclusion even when I tried my best. Moving on to middle school it only got worse. I had a few friends but I was constantly bullied and made fun of for everything from the way I dressed to the way I talked. But in middle school I never gave up and held my ground in everything. I was certainly not happy, but I wasn’t depressed. Moving onto high school things seemed to look up. I met a bunch of guys who ended up being my close friends then, but as time moved on everyone would move away from me and I was left alone again. I did make my fair share of stupid moves which harmed my friendships but I never was good at really mending anything with anyone. So the end of high school comes around and all my old friends ditch me and don’t want anything to do with me. I was excluded from so many sleepovers, hangouts, and was treated so poorly. Every time I tried to make plans I was brushed aside and they went on without me. I think that was when I first realized I may have depression. I must note that throughout all of these years I was taking various medications to help me cope with ADHD and the side effects were always awful ie. making me super quiet and amplifying my anxiety. Anyways 2020 came around and the pandemic happened which only made everything worse for me since I was stuck at home like everyone else. This is when the loneliness really started to pickup. I thought maybe trying to have an actual serious relationship with someone would help me so I tried to find a girlfriend and I did. I met this amazing girl who went to a school by me named Abby. She was an amazing girl and always went out of her way to make me happy. But as college approached and we were going to schools that were on opposite sides of the country, I decided it was best for the both of us to move on. We tried to remain friends but after awhile everything just drifted apart. Now onto my college experience so far. I am studying industrial engineering and computer science at a school in PA and the first semester was actually really good. I met so many people who held similar interests as me and we all would always hangout. But by second semester everyone had already shifted and found their groups. Close friends drifted as they joined fraternities and others became closer because of classes. I was basically left alone and my attempts to connect with these people only ended in failure. I just get the feeling I’m not a likable person, but it’s so hard to always be outgoing when your mind is constantly telling you everything you do is wrong. Second year hasn’t been much better so far either. I got a roommate but he was worse than I was in terms of the depression department and he only made things worse for me to no fault of his own. I also met an amazing girl who basically made my first semester 2nd year here amazing. She would always treat me so nicely and be with me and care about my feelings. I actually started to feel better about myself only for her to drift away from me slowly because of her commitment issues. We tried to stay friends but every time I asked to do something she would make up an excuse. Every time I tried to be nice to her she just threw how I felt aside. That hurt more than anything else and completely destroyed my trust in anyone. So now I am currently living alone, posting this on a Thursday night with no plans to go out partying because no one has invited me anywhere. As you could probably tell from my post it seems that every time something good comes into my life it inevitably is ripped away from me and I'm left back at square one. I don't want to feel this alone anymore and I just want to be a normal 20 year old with friends, good grades, and a bright future. But it just hurts so much, I've tried therapists and different anti-anxiety meds but nothing has ever worked. I'm seriously at my wits end right now and truly would appreciate any advice anyone could send my way. Thank you.