I was treated as a bipolar but then another psychiatrist realize that I was borderline. I stop taking my pills without any permission and it is all getting worse.

I am doing everything I can in order to evict that people I love leave me. Even threatened to hurt myself. And all the fear of leaving is without any proofs. I realized that I was such a manipulative person and I don't know what to do to control it. 

I feel everything so fucking intense and the blame, pain, angry and love are mixed in all my feelings.
I swear I am trying to do my best, to go to the doctor and think before acting. 

I feel like a beast, when I am free I hurt people, I need to be controlled. But what I hurt most is myself, I am scare of me. I am scare of ending Killing myself just for an impulsivity moment. 

How can you manage this? 
