I have days where I'm somewhat more manic, sure, but I know at the end of it there's a horrible bout of depression and feeling like I am empty. 

I don't really understand myself, and I don't feel like I belong in society at all. I'm single, 30 years old, I'm one of the last of my friends to not get married. I luckily have one very close friend that I love very deeply and he is somewhat my FP. 

The thing is, when I get into relationships, I get obsessive, I get panicky, they become my super FP, and insanity ensues. I have never had a really healthy relationship.

Now, after years of therapy, I at least know my issues. They have terms. Quiet BPD they say. CPTSD. Depression. Go get yourself from DBT and CBT therapy and you'll be somewhat better.

I really don't see a light at the end of the tunnel though. I am so inconsistent. I get obsessive with anything. Right now I'm struggling with not doing Ketamine every damn week.

I really don't know how to navigate my own emotions. So I shut myself up, go to my job, and move on. It's manageable but I am suffocating, and I don't think I can do this for forever. And that scares me.