[Have a look at my newest painting here.](https://imgur.com/a/emGoDgz)

For those who haven't seen my previous posts, I've been using  painting as a means to express myself for the past month or so.

If you relate to my take on the piece or even have your own interpretation, I would love to hear about it in the comments. 


"Trapped" for me is about despite having escaped most of the abusive environments and trauma inducing perpetrators in my life (after more than 20 years constant exposure) I am still living through the same (if not worse) trauma every day.

Dare I say, I should be living a "normal" life right now... With a loving partner, too many cats, my general health and my necessaties met, I should be able to be happy and enjoy it without my past haunting me. But, the reality is grim.

My developmental trauma is ever present, filtering my life through a dirty lense. It's like trying to see through glasses/spectacles when wearing a COVID mask. Constantly fogging up your sight. F*cking annoying and dangerous.


CW: suicide ideation


After over 4 years in therapy, doing everything I should do according to the experts, I am not fundamentally doing better. I am hardly coping. I am at rock bottom (unmotivated to do what I used to since it hasn't really helped me deep within).

As a last attempt to try get better,  I decided to seek out other modalities of treatment. 
The highly skilled therapist however, won't take me on as a patient until I am more "stable" as I am currently too "high risk".  Funny, isn't it? I now need to get better (somehow) despite nothing working (medication, talk therapy, routines, etc) before I can start with the therapy modality/ies that will actually help me. 


Did I mention the professionals' opinions are that I will struggle with my trauma for the rest of my life, even on a day-to-day basis? Music to my ears. 


Trapped by my trauma.
Trapped by the opinion that I won't be able to handle the intensive treatment until I am better. Yet no one understands that I AM ALREADY AT ROCK BOTTOM! There is no further regressing from here for me.

I want to leave this body and life behind. I want to be free of all the suffering. But I can't even follow through with my suicide plan due to promising my partner to stick around for at least another 3 months.


My time is running out, and I have now exhausted all options.
I am Trapped.


Venting over.


Thanks for reading and commenting.


TIA for comments.