I always feel pressure to act as if everything was okay. To be engaged. To have a smile on my face. These expectations intensify during the holidays given it’s the season of joy and cheer and bullshit.  
 
My family is not in the picture but I have my friends and my boyfriend’s family. None of them have a full grasp of how detrimental mental illness can be. I take my medicine daily and I go to therapy weekly, so to them, that means I’m cured. So it’s shocking to them when I reach a point where I can’t fake it and they start seeing my apathy, zero energy and motivation, irritability, and dolefulness. They can’t understand that my mental afflictions are a huge part of who I am. Consequently, I feel alienated and unwanted. If they were reading this, they would disagree, but this is how I feel.  
  
All I want for Christmas is to be left alone. To sleep through it and not wake up until January. Fuck it, to not wake up at all. 2019 might be the year I just end it all. I will never be able to make it up to my loved ones who’ll be affected, but they can’t say they didn’t see it coming. The blind eye most choose to turn will have no choice but to see that I was always far from okay.