Well long story… my FP and I finally had sex (again) a few days ago under extremely unique circumstances where emotions were high. First time since July and he told me it probably won’t happen again anytime soon either. Now I have this weird OCD thing where if he’s not the last person I had sex with I feel uncomfortable. So today I was in a bad mood because he didn’t wanna hang out, I decided to go out and see a movie by myself… downloaded a dating app and ended the night having oral sex down some alley. Yep. I hate myself so much right now. It’s such a weird compulsion and I don’t know why my FP HAS to be the last/only person I have sex with when he’s made it clear we can both fuck whoever we want and probably shouldn’t have sex with each other very much. But it’s just how I feel. It’s just self-destructive behaviour and I hate it. I don’t trust myself to be alone, and not download an app and then end up feeling exactly like this.