I'm 18.

I just broke up with my first boyfriend.

He moved away, only 50 miles, but his huge family and busy life made it to where we couldn't see eachother.

But that's not all it is.

I constantly felt inferior to him. His looks, his personality.... I felt jealous of him getting to have a new foundation, for having a huge family, his license... I did everything to please him, to match up to him. I never felt I could. I couldn't enjoy the person I loved or at least wanted to love. I never trusted my motives or feelings for him. All I felt around him was dread, paranoia, and jealousy. I still hate myself so much for what I feel. 

I ended the relationship.

I was in bed, depressed, hating every aspect of myself. I felt like a leech on his life.

I was thinking how I devoted time I should devote to my other friends and family to him.

I thought about how bad my self-esteem and image of myself were torn down in my pursuit to be perfect for him.

I thought about how we didn't see eachother enough to build the trust I needed.

I thought about how busy his life was.

I thought about how I've neglected my own.

Validation from him felt nice.... but it was unhealthy to reach for it.

My view of him and ultimately of myself were unhealthy.

My jealousy, impatience, and insecurity, ended my relationship with the first person I fell in love with. I hate myself and regret my drastic measures.

We didn't have to break up.

Why did I do this??

Did I do what's best?

I feel like I just hate myself so much I'm not deserving of anything. Especially someone I see as so much better than me.

The beginning of out relationship was great. Crazy for each other. We talked constantly. He was crazy for me, made me feel good about myself. We were passionate, talked about anything and everything, I focused on him, not the world around me. 

After the first month, the paranoia started. The fear I'm going to lose him ate up my time. I obsessed, worried, cried, disregarded my responsibilities to please him. 

I compared myself and our relationship to everyone else's. I wouldn't even let myself be content.

First I'd love him. Then I'd hate him. Then I'd hate myself. All in one day. Everyday. The littlest details made or break what I felt all day.

I couldn't expect him to deal with me anymore.

What really breaks me is he told me "I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, It's just the situation, we could try again later."

Since he gave me that last hope, I'll keep holding on to it, even though the best thing to do is move on. 

I hate myself for thinking "He's not hurt? At all? HE NEVER CARED ABOUT ME".

I can't make people feel what I want them to feel, no matter how hard I try. It's not healthy to try, and it's not good for the person.

I need to learn patience, self-love, and empathy tp be with another person.

I just feel so inhuman for not having those.

I just can't calm down, ever.  I can't be content with myself or settle down. It's just one insecurity after another.

I feel like I'll never have a stable relationship with anyone. I feel so abnormal, evil, less than everyone else.

Comparison kills me, and I do it everyday.

I ruin everything in my life because I just can't have peace. I won't let it come.



