So thanks to the support of my FP, I haven't done any drugs in about 6 months! He went away yesterday and my emotions were all over the place. He's only away until Monday. I'm obsessively trying to find out what he's up to, looking through profiles of potential women he might meet up with, seeing if he's doing anything to hurt me. 
I can't deal with the hurt, I have no motivation to do anything, I can't relax or enjoy anything, I don't know what to do, I just feel so low. So I brought some weed. 
Now I know it's not exactly a heavy drug but now I've gone behind my FPs back and smoked just so I can shut my head up for a bit. I just want to relax, like properly relax not just be distracted. 
If he knew he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I need to smoke it all before he comes back. I need to clean my flat. 
Last night I got high for the first time in months and I slept so so well, no nightmares, no waking up all the time, just a nice relaxing sleep, It was incredible. 
It also stops my from self harming, I'm just so angry at the thought that he's doing something and not telling me, I'm so sick to my stomach, I feel physically sick but the weed helps with it all. It just let's me chill. 

Am I a bad person for doing this? I'm scared he's going and lying behind my back and yet I'm here smoking without telling him. Am I a bad person? 

I just can't deal with my head. I just want to be better. I hate BPD, I don't get to see my therapist until 2 weeks from now, I don't know what to do. 

