tl;dr: How do you come to terms with and conceptualize your own lack of energy with depression? Do you ever struggle with the fear of being perceived as lazy, or forcing yourself to live in a world that doesn't adapt to your lack of energy? 

Full post: For the most part I've been handling my depression well as of recent. I don't expect this post to be emotionally heavy to read, but I do want to talk about an aspect of my depression that still bothers me, and feels like it would eventually become a more serious problem down the line, which is why I'm making this post. 

I've been dealing with depression for over 7 years now. Ever since middle school I'd have suicidal thoughts which begun over simple things like stressful tests, to eventually being a very regular thing that didn't need to be triggered by specific events. I'd say in the second half of my experience with depression, starting especially in my late teen years, I began to struggle with the more debilitating effects of depression, including a worsening fatigue as I kept clawing for stability and survival. 

During that time I lost almost 2 years of my life to depression and my lack of energy. Most days I wouldn't have the motivation to get out of bed, and if I did I would play a grindy looter-shooter with a friend of mine for a bit, and inevitably go back to bed. Even just so much as sitting at my desk or trying to enjoy basic things for more than a couple hours at a time was difficult. It's hard to do much with such a lack of energy because everything feels so boring, and the perceived high energy cost of doing anything to have fun didn't feel worth it. Why get out of bed to have fun when getting out of bed and staying awake enough to have said fun is so difficult to do, especially for something I didn't derive much joy from anyways? 

Thankfully, after two therapists, about five antidepressants, and one supplement, I was eventually switched away from antidepressants and onto a stimulant. Apparently it's rare that stimulants are used for depression, but it has worked wonders for me. I'm not really sure how that works, or if my lack of energy is coming from something I don't know, but that's something I don't dwell on too often. Not too long after starting the stimulant I eventually found a job I was able to work without issue, and I was more capable of enjoying basic things like music and games, along with being more available to help my friends run errands and whatnot. 

My issue here, however, is twofold: This solution is not perfect, and this solution isn't something I can use forever. 

Starting with the first issue that troubles/depresses me, this solution is not perfect. Extended release versions of the stimulant I'm on just straight-up don't work. So I still with the normal version. Some days it kicks in well, some days it doesn't. Some days I crash between doses, and it sucks being reminded of how useless I am when I'm not medicated. The crashes are hard because I'll go from being functional and/or focused, to fighting off the strong urge to go to sleep and barely being able to keep out of bed. While I'm not struggling constantly with depressive thoughts like I did before being on these meds, it becomes a lot harder to fight them off when I don't have energy, and when my lack of it is reminding me of how much of a crutch I rely on just to be a functional human being. For other people who's meds aren't consistent, or have "on" and "off" days/weeks, how do you deal with it? How do you remind yourself that you're going to be ok, and that this is fine? I have mantras and encouraging words in common places like my computer desktop or phone, but I'd like to know other things people do to help themselves during these tough patches. 

As for this not being a "forever" fix, I worry that the stability I have currently with this solution will not be permanent. I'm scared of so many different factors taking away my ability to function. I worry about one day not being on my parents' health insurance and thus not being able to access my meds. Stimulants are a controlled substance, so they're impossible to get without insurance. On top of that, society just isn't adaptive to people with disabilities, and I have a feeling that sentiment will make life unlivable for me one day. Putting aside the shame and difficulty of trying to get on disability, it's also hard to find jobs that work around my limited abilities. Right now I work a wonderful night job that affords me downtime to relax when I get my tasks done efficiently (Hell, I'm writing this post during my night shift!) While this gig works perfectly for someone with limited energy like myself, there is also the fear that I will eventually have to find a different job due to needing more pay or moving, and that scares the hell out of me because finding good jobs, let alone night jobs, isn't easy. I was job searching for the nearly 2 years I was in my deepest depressive slump, and I didn't hear back from many people. How do other people deal with knowing that they live in a world that is indifferent or hostile to people with invisible disabilities like depression and fatigue? While I do not ponder suicide frequently these days, this thought alone does drive me to such thoughts because the very things I require for survival (a job) are made hard to hold down for someone like myself who can't move around heavy objects all day or put on an act for customers and difficult bosses for 8 hours every single weekday. I just can't do it, and don't have the energy for it. I can't live my life waking up, going to work, going to sleep, and repeating indefinitely. Even with meds, full-time or demanding work takes any energy from me I would ever dream of having in my down time. "Living to work" would kill me.

I may have more energy now because of my functioning meds, but I know I don't have the kind of insane energy I did in the pre-depression days of my youth. I may be able to stay out of bed and actually enjoy my hobbies, but I am not at the kind of level where I can consistently work on personal projects (I'm just glad I even get anything done with them) or work the kinds of jobs neurotypical people have the energy/grit to put up with. How am I supposed to survive in the long term? I'm stable and happy now, but there is the fear that the guillotine of an unforgiving world will keep inching its way towards my neck. I prefer a future where it doesn't kill me.