Maybe I don’t hate them but I feel like I hate them.  
I feel like in the past year that I was away from them, I made TONS of progress towards my mental health being at normal and happy levels. And now that I’m back living with them it’s like all the positive strides that I made don’t matter. Not even that they don’t matter, but more like it just flat out didn’t happen.

My mother is the worst ; I actively resent her. I don’t want to. I just can’t seem to see her as anything other than the sole reason I am the way that I am. I’ve felt like her personal life ruiner my entire life and I can’t stand being her child. She blames me for everything without ever JUST FUCKING COMING OUT AND SAYING IT. If she would just TELL me that she hated me I wouldn’t feel so obligated to bend over backwards ALL THE FUCKING TIME just to fucking appease her! 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just can’t ever seem to win her love and that’s all I’ve ever craved. 22 fucking years and no matter what I’ve ever done I will never be good enough. It’s affected literally all of my other relationships. Her poor choices have caused me so much..... heart ache. 

So I guess really the title here is : I fucking despise my mother.