


I've been depressed for years with little to no motivation of getting better because I don't see the point. I'll do the therapy sessions and take the medication. I know its not working but it looks to my friends and family like Im trying and thats honestly all that matters to me.  I know this sounds cringe but the feeling of depression is all I really know. I can't remember the last time I felt something other than being numb never mind actual happiness. 

I go through the motions of everyday life, waking up, playing video games and going back to sleep. Occasionally I'll get blackout drunk in-between. 

I've moved out, got my own house, finished uni and I'm getting married and I've found myself thinking is this it? Is this how my life is going to be for the next fifty sixty years? 

I feel like nothing interests me, my attention span for everything is gone and I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I just go through the motions and pretend everything is okay to everyone around me. If I make it look like Im okay maybe they will start to believe it. 

I feel like my partner is only with me due to some fucked up co-dependant sympathy. I've put on alot of weight since we first met and lost all the looks that garnered me attention when I was in my late teens.  I spend most of my time in pyjamas now and lost all motivation to improve how I look. 

The only reason I haven't self canceled is because I know it would hurt people I love and honestly I'm scared of what's on the other side of all this. I know living is painful but I've overdosed before and it feels like you're insides are on fire, never mind the acid reflux that came along with it.  I have no desire to self cancel only the desire to feel again.