I’ve historically been very resistant to psychiatric medications, have been in talk therapy for 10 years. My depression has always been there but I am newly recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship and feeling so hopeless and broken. Loneliness has been a big trigger for me— a year and a half ago when the pandemic was very bad, I was completely isolated and my depression was so debilitating I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried Wellbutrin 150mg XR and it maybe started helping a little in terms of activation but after 1 month I began having hives— maybe from Well, maybe from an autoimmune issue I have, maybe triggered by covid or related stress as an essential worker— and my pcp advised me to stop taking the meds as hives are a documented delayed reaction to Wellbutrin. I didn’t try anything else and my mood managed to improve when I got into my last relationship (combatted the isolation) but in the last few months since ending that year long connection I have felt so incredibly alone and my thoughts have become bleaker and harder to shake. Everything is so effortful and I’ve been sobbing every day for months. It’s started to impact my work and my social life. I know living shouldn’t feel like this. But every time I start researching meds again I can’t stop crying. I hate that I’m here again. I am sobbing through writing this post. And I feel so paralyzed by the prospect of finding a medication which might work without the side effects. 

Besides the Wellbutrin reaction (originally the only med I was willing to go on) which I would be terrified to risk again—chronic hives are no joke—I have a family history of bipolar disorder— parent was depressed and placed on lexapro and it led to a manic flip and psychiatric hospitalization. So I am very wary about starting up on an SSRI. I am also unwilling to tolerate weight gain as this has been a recent huge trigger for my depression. Then there’s the autoimmune concerns around Hashimotos and hive reactions and hair loss. I feel defeated around trying to start medications again. I’m worried nothing exists which can help. I’m worried nothing can accommodate all of these preferences, conditions, and concerns. I wish I didn’t need this to function like everyone else. I don’t deserve to be this unhappy. I can’t tell if these fears are warranted or if it’s my hopeless depression being resistant and tying me into knots. Please help. I need some hope or encouragement about moving through the intense fear (honestly too small a word— it’s like a combo of worry/agony/shame/hopelessness) of trying antidepressants again.