I’ve been struggling a lot with being alone and having no motivation to do anything(: snd what’s harder is not being able to talk or communicate anything. 
I had a breakdown the other night where I ended up guilt tripping my partner into picking me up, mind you I was drunk and very emotional that day for no reason. I called him drunk and bawled, I don’t remember if I went off on him but I know how badly he didn’t want to spend an hour of driving to come get me and I had just spent almost for days with him.
Of course being sober I felt like the shittiest person in the world and there’s no excuse for doing what I did. 

It makes me want to never talk to him about why I’m upset ever again. He was extremely understanding and sweet about it to, picked me up after I sobered up more and took me back to his place. 

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want to medicate when I’m not working and he told me the only thing that’d hurt him is if I decided to start medicating myself again, not talking to him about how I’m doing. 

I don’t know, everything with him is great and that freaks me out. Most importantly it’s getting harder and harder to be alone and nondependent on something. I’m just left thinking all day with no motivation to workout or do anything. If I’m not busy I’m driving myself crazy and I want to say I’m driving him crazy too but I don’t think I am. A big part of my brain has been trying to convince myself I am but he’s too reassuring. Maybe I’m only being toxic towards myself and that just effects him? I don’t know what to do. I need help, I can’t help myself like I thought.