Do you ever feel like social interactions are one big game, but you don't understand the rules of how the game is played? Or like you missed the first day of school where they taught all the social rules, and now you're struggling to catch up as the whole class has gone on ahead?

I feel so stupid, because it seems to me like I screw up every interaction no matter what I do. I try to be more considerate of others and then get told I'm being a doormat. I try to assert myself, and then someone gets hurt, and I feel like an asshole. (I'm not trying to garner sympathy or excuse myself for my own asshole behavior. Please don't misunderstand. I more than deserve the social consequences and the feelings of guilt for my bad behavior.) No matter how I act, I don't understand what is considered right vs. wrong, and no matter what I try, I keep on hurting people or looking like an idiot. I hate feeling this ignorant and stupid, like my brain is too broken to keep up with something so much of human society takes for granted.

I wish I could sequester myself away somewhere so that I'd never hurt anyone again, but that obviously is impossible. I don't have the skills to live off the grid, so that means I need to communicate with roommates, coworkers, etc. Yet the end result of this communication is that I'm terrified of all of these people. Even if my roommate says he's okay with me being around, is he really? What if I don't clean enough and he tries to kill me for it? If I make an error or have a minor argument with an editor at work, who's to say I won't be fired or worse? I understand logically that these are delusional thoughts that I shouldn't give power to, but I'm struggling to detach myself from them as I try to interact with these people I'm terrified of.

I don't have the time or money to be able to comfortably afford therapy, but I really want to work on this. Does anyone have similar experiences or any advice on how to deal with this? It's like social anxiety but gone haywire.