So I just wanna rant/vent about myself and my mental health and see if anyone has any suggestions of what I can do about this or just anything really, but please be nice. I’m from the UK too.

I’ve been questioning whether I might have a mood disorder or personality disorder and if I should see a therapist again. There is probably a whole more I could talk about but this is all I can think of right now. 

So. I think 2017 was when I went to therapy for the first time and was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. But I never really understood depression and didn’t feel like that fit me completely but I wanted to try medication because I just hated how I felt at the time and couldn’t bring myself to attend therapy. My doctor and I had a chat and decided I would try antidepressants. I started off with a low dose of Citalopram and propranolol and then I moved onto Sertraline and lastly I tried Fluoxetine. I can’t remember how long I was taking Citalopram before switching to Sertraline etc but long enough for my doctor to switch the medications for me. But basically I was just bouncing from one to the other because I wasn’t feeling any difference in myself or improvement. It was after I tried Fluoxetine that I decided I would quit antidepressants and wean myself off. I remember asking my doctor if I could try a Benzodiazepine for my anxiety but them telling me they can be addictive and something else so I didn’t push and try those. 

I also stopped taking birth control too because I had this idea of giving my mind and body a detox lmao. Idk if it works like that. Anyway I was curious to see how I would feel on no drugs. 

It was more recently I started experiencing pains in my chest a lot and my doctor pointed out I was possibly experiencing anxiety attacks. I haven’t had them this year at all though I don’t think. 

But now here I am, my social anxiety has just gotten worse and I’ve become super lazy and unmotivated. My moods are very up and down, especially lately I just feel constantly moody and it makes me tired and frustrated sometimes. I can tell my mum definitely notices my moods changing a lot. I’ve been losing my patience with people. I feel like I can go from 0-100, happy, laughing at things, to sad and angry in the span of an hour or days. But I still want to be alone all the time. 

I go from feeling hopeless about my life and my purpose, thinking my life ahead will be bleak, to feeling really optimistic about things working out for me. I don’t know how or why but I think the world has just got my back and I won’t have to work too hard. 

I’ve been thinking about sex a lot too. Masturbating more often, reading sexual material, thoughts of having sex with strangers, wanting to get drunk and have sex,  live out my sexual fantasies, earning money from doing sex. I don’t want to date though or have a relationship with someone. I feel like I’m too down and all over the place to date someone and I don’t know how someone would be able to cope with me either with my mood swings. 

A couple years ago I met with a guy I had been talking to online for a few months. I was a virgin, only ever kissed a few guys before, but travelled over an hour to meet this guy, literally met, walked to his place and started having sex. I definitely initiated it though and felt ready for it, as were they. 

I wasn’t physically attracted to them but I knew they were attracted to me and we had already spoken about sex together before we met. I didn’t regret it and saw them again multiple times after that but still felt no physical attraction. Which feels strange to me because I felt comfortable enough to have sex with them and wanted to. It felt fun, even though I wasn’t enjoying the sex that much it was fun to see them gaining pleasure and it felt like a buzz, a rush, I was doing something I never thought I would do before or have the guts to do. For a long time I thought I would end up a 40 year old virgin. 

But we stopped seeing each other after a while because all of a sudden it became apparent to me that they was not really into me emotionally or romantically and just wanted to have sex with me. I didn’t feel romantically towards them either but I just suddenly felt like I shouldn’t have sex with them anymore. I shouldn’t be used for my body. I haven’t had sex since and remained single. 

In the past I also had a problem with spending lots of my mums money and it would get me into trouble, I feel guilty about that but it felt like I couldn’t really control it. Having new possessions to play with felt good. But sometimes I would buy things just to have something and once I had it I didn’t really treasure it. My sister says I have no attachment to things. Like clothes, makeup, shoes. I have gotten a handle on spending though, I don’t have access to my mums money anymore and I have my own. I feel like because it’s my own money I am more careful with it, and I’m just quite fed up of buying stuff and not wanting it after a while. But that’s not to say I don’t have shopping sprees sometimes.  

My sister raised a point to me and my mum recently about how I can’t consume alcohol without getting drunk to the point I am throwing up or when I once blacked out at a festival type event and put myself in a very dangerous situation. I only ever drink to cope with my social anxiety though. Not because I like the taste. I only drink when others are drinking or I feel it’s appropriate for me to like at a party. And it’s not often I’m drinking in general, I don’t have friends so it’s only at family gatherings.