Holy shit what a breakthrough. I'd call this a progress post but I didn't really make any progress except realizing that if my mom had had always had the emotional maturity to acknowledge and apologize when she had done something wrong, I think my personality would have developed very differently. Once she had apologized, it was so easy to forgive her and let it go! Wow! 

Usually when I get upset about something I'm not able to bring it up because she'll either fail to acknowledge my feelings, refuse to accept that i'm right, or get angry and start throwing things in my face. So i end up brooding over negative feelings forever and harvesting feelings of hatred against her, and planning self-destructive ways to get "revenge" on her by hurting myself. If we could have had interactions like this when I was growing up I could have learned to deal with my emotions in a healthier way, instead of trying to wreck myself in order to get her to acknowledge that she screwed up as a parent. 

Fuck i'm angry just thinking about all the things she's never owned up to and how much pent up resentment I have towards her because of that.  I bet I would have been able to let those bad feelings go if she would have apologized for things. I'm quick to forgive, but i don't fucking like when people won't own up to their mistakes.