My friends and I have reached the point in college where we’re about to graduate and go about separate chapters in our lives and live in completely different cities. I’ve known them for about two years and it’s gotten to the point where it feels almost like family. We could make each other laugh so hard we cried, we all have very similar views on life, we had similar enough music tastes that we could share music, and we supported each other when we noticed one was having a hard time.

I’m set to move back home with my parents because I’m not financially independent yet. I’m dreading living with them because of their narcissistic parenting styles and overbearing religious expectations (I haven’t told them I became atheist/agnostic while attending a church college they approved of). I can’t help but think that it’s my fault for not pushing myself enough to become financially independent sooner.

While I know I can keep in touch with my friends over call/text etc. I can’t help knowing that things will never be the same. It took so much effort to shove down my anxiety and fear of being judged and try to find people I could genuinely connect with in person. Lots of rejection from people that aren’t interested in getting to knowing you, people that just can’t relate to you, or people that aren’t in a good mental state to socialize with someone new. I’ve dealt with losing contact with so many people, but it never gets easier. I know how to make online friendships as well, but there’s always a lack of connection you only get from in person relationships even when you’ve known them for years. 

It’s like climbing the top of the hill only to see that there are several other hills ahead of you with a huge drop from the top, but you aren’t sure if you’ll ever reach the same height again/you aren’t sure how long it’ll take to even feel that way ever again. This is what hurts the most. Just when you realize that you’ve been taking a beautiful part of life for granted, you remember that nothing lasts forever and the reality of the pains in life come creeping back in.