My mother has been depressed for about as long as I can remember. Due to cultural upbringing, I am pretty much responsible for taking care of her. My older sister got to move away and now I feel like I'm the daughter that got the short end of the stick. It's been so draining because I can't make her feel better. Anyone with depression knows that there's no simple fix, yeah? Not my family members apparently.

Yesterday a bunch of shit came up and I was handling it until my mother had a meltdown. That sent me into a curled up mess. I was sobbing uncontrollable and muttering to myself that I should commit suicide. A week ago, when I wasn't with her, I was doing so well.

I love my mother. I mean, despite the fact that she is likely part of the reason why I have BPD I still love her. But having to play caretaker for my mom when I can barely take care of myself is draining the life out of me.

I've also been talking with a girl, as I've mentioned in previous posts. She's wonderful through and through. But she also suffers from depression and recently she started taking less of her prescription as recommended by her doctor.

The last couple of days she's been low on energy and my goddamn fear of abandonment registers that as her losing interest in me.

I feel like a nuisance asking for reassurance that it's not due to me and she tells me that. But it's unfortunately unenthusiastic how she says it that it makes me feel like she doesn't care. But she does, I know she does; she talks to me constantly despite her moodiness. I just worry that it's me that's draining her even though she's been talking about her body image issues and whatnot. Maybe part of it is; I've been incredibly moody due to my mother draining me of the will to live.

I blame my fucking ex-girlfriends for me pushing for reasurrance. I saw them drawing away and when I asked they each told me that everything was fine when it wasn't. I want to fucking trust the current lady that I'm talking to but I can't stop this paranoia. 