I'll say this first because not everyone reads to the end: I don't have the energy to respond to your comments right now, but I do want you to know that I appreciate the time you might've taken to read and respond. I just really need to vent because therapy was cancelled (before it even started) and I literally don't have anywhere to go with this.

I just turned 25, no friends or family, and I have spent months getting rejected for every job. For the last 3 years I've been unable to work due to mental illness and going through 30-40 hours/week of mental health programs + college + physical illness from severe stress. Jobs see the gap on my resume and no experience in the position I apply for (data entry) and don't give me a chance. Meanwhile I live with my NPD abusive mother who has somehow gotten worse lately and I'm not sure why. Job hunting was an act of desperation to get the fuck out to safety. It's been so bad that I literally have vivid thoughts and urges to kill her because I've hit my breaking point.

And then Covid-19 hit. Any chance of a job has been destroyed and my mom (who has been unemployed for months and has not looked for a job despite the fact that we can't pay rent and have an 80% chance of going homeless) definitely won't leave the house now. I sleep during the day when she's awake, and when I'm awake at night I have to be very quiet to avoid waking her up (she will stay up just to keep an eye on everything I do for control and I'm not allowed to have my door shut).

I feel trapped and helpless. This quarantine has taken everything away from me and I genuinely feel like at any moment I could kill her. I would take prison at this point because fuck it no one will hire me even without the virus going on. But I can't because I have a cat and she's the only reason I haven't either killed my mother or myself. I go between rage and deep depression/crying because I don't know what to do and I have nowhere to go. I'm exhausted. I just wanted to get the fuck out so I could live an actual fucking life without abuse.

People are losing their job, the economy is about to crash hard, I'm a week away from defaulting on my student loan. Once this virus is dealt with there will be even more people to compete with to get what little jobs are out there. And the virus could take months to deal with anyways. I don't have that long. I really fucking don't. I'm faced with the decision to find a nice home for my cat so I can take myself out or going homeless and losing her anyways. I don't have friends, I don't have family. I have nothing but my abusive mother who steals my food stamps so I have nothing to eat while her fat ass doesn't have to worry about what her next meal will be. 

Fuck, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry for being such a downer in this long ass post, ik none of you can actually do anything to help (and the guilt would stop me from accepting it even if someone could help) so this post is pointless other than to complain. Ik people have a lot of shit going on in their own life and it kinda just is what it is, it's just so fucking hard. Hope you're all safe at least, and that you're doing the best you can. BPD is hard enough to deal with without all this extra bullshit going on rn. Thank you for taking the time to read this, ik it was a lot.