I need to preface this saying I am not asking for a diagnosis, I am asking for tips of where to go for help.       

I (17m) am confused. I've been struggling a lot recently, I've destroyed all my relationships with my friends, im no longer close with anyone, as well as ruining my relationship with the only person I was ever close to, my GF of two years. I have had suicidal thoughts for years, I romanticise (if that's the word) drug use, and im not in a great place. School is a struggle, I have no motivation or drive for anything anymore. Over the last few months I've sold nearly all of my possessions to pay for drugs (mainly weed, but also a small amount of coke, diazepam, MDMA and lean). I plan to get a lot of Xanax over the next month to see if that will help. My mood is unstable and I spend a lot of time planning my suicide, knowing I don't have the balls to go through with it. In my head I constantly tell myself that life is not worth living, and I believe it with all my being; it just isn't.       

The only reason Im skeptical is because I don't think people with BPD are aware they have it, I could just be a hormonal teenager. My older brother has BPD and is what made me look into it as a mental illness.       

What can I do for my next steps? Is it worth looking into, or am I just being I just being dramatic? Is there a way to go to a therapist or mental health professional without my parents knowing, especially during COVID times.     

&amp;#x200B;

Thanks for any help in this.