I just can’t do this shit. And I don’t want to. Which is why I can’t be helped. I have moments of inspiration and a desire to do something about my situation and when it comes to actually acting upon it I completely fold. I just have no desire at all to do anything. I don’t think I ever have and I don’t think I ever will. Long before I was depressed, as a happy child,  I never wanted to do or be anything in this world. Having a drive, any sense of purpose and doing something beyond merely existing is just something I’ve never felt. I’m not talking about being motivated to do huge things for a greater purpose and rule the world or cure a terminal illness. I mean just simply wanting to do absolutely anything. At all. Like going to college or messing around with friends. I just have absolutely no identity. And nothing will ever change because I can’t find a reason to care enough about myself or anything or anyone. I’m too fucking lazy, uninspired and unable to handle things on my own. I can’t even find the will to kill myself even though I don’t want to be here. I just shouldn’t be here. I literally knew that this would be my reality from the age of 10. 

Like I want to change and I want to improve but at the same time I can’t be bothered. I need to do something with my life but I don’t want to be here. I don’t actually want anything. I’m so unwilling to face reality I can’t even simply look at job opportunities let alone put in the effort to even apply for any. Even in areas I’m interested in I just hate it all. I need to be put down. What the fuck is the point if I don’t even a tiny amount of effort to change?

(Fyi: I’m 20 years old with no job, never had one, left school 2 years ago and have spent the entirety of the last 2 years in my bedroom not even thinking about starting my life. Just on my computer killing time. I have a good relationship with my family and didn’t experience any trauma or anything. This is the result of me knowing that once my life would go from compulsory school to actually having to make my own path in life, I’d be completely doomed. Because I don’t want anything, nor have I ever.)