i was so fucking disgusting. i wanna rip off my skin.
why??????????? why the fuck would i hurt the only person i love????? why would i treat him like fucking garbage?? what the fuck is wrong with me?? 

i'm so fucking lost. and i have no answers.
he wants to know why i did everything i did but i don't know. nothing from then feels real. i fucking hate myself. he says i had bad intentions, that i hated him and manipulated him. i can't fucking fathom wanting to hurt him or thinking of him like that, but i fucking acted like i did but i can't remember my train of thought. 

i'm so fucking angry at myself. how could i?? but it doesn't fucking matter how i feel and what i do now because he has trauma because of me. he feels suicidal because of me. what the fuck is wrong with me?? am i that fucking evil and i just don't see it?? 
i want his pain to stop but i can't erase the past and it's fucking eating me alive.