Last holiday season was when my counselor called me up and told me he had stage 4 lung cancer. We wrapped up my treatment and I was sent on my way though the sadness about losing my ally outweighed the victory of completing treatment. 

Truthfully I don’t think I completed treatment, but I know he wanted to wrap up loose ends. I have a really reaalllyyyy hard time connecting with, opening up to, trusting therapists and counselors…he was the first in years. He passed away in March, right after my sister died too, and since then I’ve just had this pit in my stomach thinking about getting back into therapy. My fear of abandonment isn’t really me thinking people leave, it’s thinking that everyone dies. And a few have throughout my life. 

This whole thing has re-triggered trauma from my childhood. A school counselor took me under her wing after I experienced family tragedy. Made me feel seen, heard, worthy. And then one day she committed suicide. I still feel like that little girl in 4th grade, so confused and sad that people could just die. 

I’m just sad tonight. I’ve been struggling. The people around me don’t understand why I can’t just ask for help but it feels like when I do, someone dies. These amazing, vulnerable, complex, comforting people die and the humanness of it all feels a little hopeless.