I hate this. Things were going really well, I was productive and hopeful for the first time in years, but today I inexplicably slipped back into a horrible state of depression.

The depression is bad in itself, but it's also worse because it shows me I'll never be ok. (And i was stupid to think I ever would be.)

And I go through this so often. I haven't felt as good as I have in a long time, but I'll feel ok and think things will be alright, and then I'll end up wanting to slit my throat. 

I don't have support in my day to day life, just a therapist I see every two weeks. So right now I have 10 days before I can talk to her and I know they are going to be hell if I can even get through them. 

I don't want to do this anymore and no medications or lifestyle changes have made any lasting difference. 

I started a new medication last month and thought it was the right one. 

Now I'm probably going to spend tonight self harming and hoping I don't wake up. I hate this so much.