What the title says, essentially.

Despite how depressed past me would consider himself to be, compared to this, I was living in paradise.

Not even a year ago I was in my own personal balance-bubble where I was getting by as well as I could despite some long-standing self esteem issues and other problems I'm not comfortable disclosing. In my own way, I was happy.


I saw genuine magic in things, in my hobbies, in my dreams, in life. Unique feelings too wonderous for me to describe even without anxiety cluttering my mind.

I miss that so, so much. 

I'm getting choked up as I think about it while writing this. What I wouldnt do to turn back the clock and do whatever I could to maintain it. To maintain things when I was alive. To avoid whatever I am now.

Things had so much color, I looked forward to making new, unique memories and expanding my own little special corner of life.


No longer.

One mental slip and it's all gone. All of it.

Medications couldnt do a thing and I have no access to proper therapy without sacrificing half my limb count to afford it. Being an Expat living in Dubai, this is the truth for alot of things. Currently going through Zoloft withdrawal after 2 months straight of use because of it. The brain zaps alone are so distressing.

I lost myself, I genuinely find no unique joy in anything I do besides listening to music, but even that lost alot of its splendor; reduced to a coping method.

I go about my identical routine day in and day out too horrified to change it due to how fragile the current one is. I feel like I'm living on survival mode, doing the bare minimum plus a crude imitation of what once brought soul to my life so I dont break even further.

I'm so goddamn jittery. All the time. I cant sit still and when I happen to my mind immediately goes to the worst places or whatever this nostalgia-trap is.

I genuinely have no clue how I could reverse any of this, I feel like a husk of what I used to be and it horrifies/shatters me to think about whenever I do.

Please help, I'm at a complete loss and feel close to another cliff's edge.


PS: Thank you for reading this jumbled mess of a vent if you did. Have a blessed week.