I have no hope for my future. Every time I start something, I stop a few days in, then feel guilty and make things worse for myself. It feels like nothing is worth the effort anymore. I've been at rock bottom since 2020. I'm stuck between trying to build a life and letting life get so bad that I end it all. Every time I make small progress, I fuck it up and go back to self destruction and self sedation through my addictions of junk food, porn, video games, youtube and so on. I'm a dysfuntional person. I have no friends, hate going outside because I hate myself, can't focus on the things that would help my life. I'm surrounded by family that expects more of me. They have their lives in order. They weren't neglected and mistreated like I was growing up. I had a very mentally ill mother who detroyed my emotionally and neglected my basic needs. I want to keep fighting but I always give up because I lose hope in things ever getting better. I feel like I've been in a state of consistent mild psychosis since I was 16 (26 now). Half of the time this life doesn't even feel real. It feels like I'm in some kind of nightmare, being punished for a past life.

I don't know anymore.