I had a psychiatrist appointment today and I'm not being allowed to reduce my medication from my last episode because I was "so close to hospitalization". I feel so hopeless because I feel awful at these dosages and I'm supposed to be studying in preparation for uni, which has been my dream for forever but it feels like if bipolar doesn't steal that dream from me, the medication will. I'm only 19 and I can't do anything that any normal 19 year old can. Ive been sectioned hospitalized 5 times from the age of 14 and it feels like my depression has been replaced with the mania in terms of danger. I'm so scared of what the future will hold, I'm so scared of becoming unwell again but I'm realizing that no matter how hard I try it seems like it will just happen regardless. I just want to be normal and not be worried about losing my mind and becoming manic and psychotic all of the time. 

I'm sorry this is so full of self pity but I have nobody to talk to about this.