Sometime like today I hit such a low that I feel like nihilist. If I was to die or disappear without any trace would anybody actually miss me? After awhile I feel like they would all just move on and not even think about who is to blame. Are my signs not severe enough? Is my fake smile to convincing? I just want to scream. I have anger, PTSD, depression, and I am sure more that I am unaware of. I latch onto the macabre and dark side of things so easily and I feel that drives it more. My medication is a bandaid on what I feel is something deep rooted but no doctor that I see wants to give me what I want. I want to be laid down and Freuded over to see what I truly suffer from. Its like having a massive leak in your attach and yet every other trade comes by and tries to fix yet it keeps leaking.