Before I start I will honestly admit I am completely in the wrong here and I was a jerk but I am going to try and get help.  i have borderline personality disorder(going to attend DBT for this), Generalized anxiety disorder and depression, a bit lacking in communication skills; and over the last 2 months I have been stressed to the max(Mom showing signs of alzheimer, way too much hours at work, My father flying back to his country for vacation and I am scared of my family members dying and planes. These all led to me being stressed to the max and then some guy trying to take the girl I romantically like? I just broke.
  
So I am 29 and I met this amazing girl on a mental health site and we got to talking and we eventually moved to another chat app with a group and we have been talking for a year and a half now. I fell for her at first(she told me 2 weeks ago that she fell for me 3 months in to talking to me but decided to just friend me due to very Long distance), but she was too shy for skyping and I lost interest in wanting a relationship with her for a while but my romantic feelings were still lurking in the background. I come to find out she has been talking to this other guy while basically ignoring me(there is another girl that loves the guy and she told me the guy told her that my friend was giving him constant attention and he was falling for her; and she told me this out of jealousy) for a month or so I just assumed she was romantically falling for him. I bottled it up as long as I could but because of my poor communication skills I just out right blew up her(I am a bit immature due to sheltered life) I can't be in the same place where she is having romantic feelings with that guy she said she had no romantic feelings for him and 2 days later I confessed I had romantic feelings for her and asked her if she wants to do LDR and she said "no I am not comfortable with LDR" and I told her I was saving money to move countries if that is what would help anything and she said she was unsure and she needs to think about it and I still didn’t believe her and out of jealousy I just blocked her that didn't last long because I kept unblocking her and it happened for a few days until I was like "I can't do this" and I asked her to block me but she refused so I hurled insults at her in french (she is french) I called her a salope(slut) which seems to have hurt her the most and then she blocked me and couple of days later I reread everything she wrote and it seemed like she was telling the truth and I was in the wrong and I emailed her explaining this and she unblocked me and we were re-building friendship.  
  
But I am stupid enough not to know better and my jealousy and anger got the best of me again and on last week Tuesday I told her "I am not going to compete with him for your attention, lets email and keep it impersonal" and then got blackout drunk because of stress and anger and jealousy. And I brought the drama into the main chat and cursed out all parties involved and called her salope again and I got blocked by all of them and the girl I liked has no longer been replying to my emails where I apologized. I made her a private YouTube video this saturday explaining my situation to her that led me to overreacting(Mom’s signs of Alzheimer, and my dad flying back to his country, and losing her? I even said I was being irrational because she is 33 and the other dude is 22 and lives in Pakistan while she lives in Finland. I asked her to reply to the email with the video if we are on a break or if this is permanent and she has yet to reply to me.

I just want to know if she is ok or not and try to be friends with her again. I am also bit nervous that the dude is not comforting her and she will now fall for him and skype him and move to be with him. My anxiety has been gone up to the max every 1 and a half hour I wake up with anxiety and cold sweating, I am no longer working to the best of my abilities, I haven’t been able to eat, I am going through the day anxious. I fucked up but I am going to get help and will be doing volunteer work. IDK how to get her to give me one more chance. 2 of my friend (they don’t really know her but they are assuming from what I have told them that she is probably healing from the wound and she would come back later to give me another chance and to see me be the good guy she used to know again. But I am just nervous about it all and have been getting triggered by everything when I go outside. I don’t know how to cope with the hell of my own making. People have told me to get hobby and when I went to the gym all I can think about is her feeling bad and the guy comforting her and seducing her. I am going to change so I am not so emotional and POS. Can anyone even say anything to make me feel better about this shit situation I am in?