I found my old blog, wrote it in 2010. I had completely the same problems as now, now everything is just worse and I've lost my desire to try anymore. I found out about my diagnosis of BPD a bit over a year ago and the only thing it has done, is made my life even more miserable. I've had the diagnosis for around 8 years now, but no one ever explained it to me.

-I'm apparently completely unemployable. I graduated as language major in my native tongue Finnish, but I don't want to be a teacher, a journalist or someone who needs to check grammar. I suck at grammar. I was the worst student in the faculty. I did a lot of association work, started one, produced to huge theater plays, was active. And none of that means a thing. I can't get an interview, haven't gotten any for two years since my graduation. I'm just nothing, no one wants me, no matter how good I could be.

-I can't even write a decent application. I've read tens of info pages, advice columns on CV and cover letter, all that, and still no one even looks at my apps. I just suck.

-I have no hobbies. I knit sometimes, paint occasionally, do some hama-bead stuff. But none of those make me enjoy my time. I just do something so that I wouldn't use all of my time on my laptop, on which I do nothing meaningful. 

-I'm a lousy mother. I argue with my three-year-old son every day. I'm almost violent sometimes. I have to hold him too firmly, it hurts him. It hurts me. I want to hit him, but so far I don't. His dad has always been the number one parent, as I've been depressed, overwhelmed, just generally sucking at being a mother. I don't know what to do with him, I don't like playing, I hate staying on the floor and getting up constantly, because I'm fat as a whale. I can't potty train him, I'm too lazy. He still wakes up 1 to 6 times a night, I fucked that up too.

-I hate, hate, hate, HATE eating and food. I can't control myself properly. I had BED because of Venlafaxine, which also made me gain 12kg/6months at 225mg. Before that, the same but during several years so it was invisible. I constantly think what I should eat, feel disgusted about most foods, eat shit because I can't get anything else down, and then hate myself for eating so badly. I don't binge anymore, thanks to Venlafaxine being out of my system, but I still can't eat healthy enough. If I manage to lose 0,5kg over a week, I definitely eat way too much during the weekend to obliterate any weight-loss I managed to make. 

-I don't exercise (I hate that word, I can never get it right without googling. What a loser...). It makes me feel disgusting, sweaty, lazy and bad. I've tried to walk and use my crosstrainer (what a joke to get one years ago), but I always stop, and benefit none.

-My two bf's can't get summer jobs, and everything feels miserable. We have no money. They are ending up losers because of me, because my manipulative BPD. 

-We want to move in together as a three-adult-one-child home, but I know we won't find an apartment to fit us all. Nothing is ever easy in my life. Not even bearably tough. 

-The soonest I might get some help is in September. Before that maybe once a month visit with a psych/doctor. Maybe.

-I can't feel happy. Nothing makes me happy for more than a few minutes. Nothing lasts. I'm in total anhedonia. I started Valdoxan (agomelatine) to ease my depression, but after 5 weeks it still feels like it has no effect. I can't take anything else as there is always a risk to gain weight or lose my interested/ have problems with sex. Sex is the only thing is nice, I can't lose it, and gaining more weight at BMI 38 is completely out of the question.

-I have severe social anxiety. I want friends, I want to be around people, but I'm too afraid, too anxious. I meet people maybe once a month. Before my graduation I met people at least twice a week, because of my association work. I left all the groups after grad, as I obviously didn't fit in and belong anymore. 

-I am constantly miserable.

And I have no ways to cope. Reading DBT/such books in English is too difficult. I am fluent in English, but to read it in English and then trying to implement it in Finnish would make it too tough right now to try and learn stuff on my own. I don't know if there are any books in Finnish. I'm too tired to even look for them. These are only bad excuses, I know. 

I'm sorry, I just wanted to get this stuff out, again. I doubt anything can help me.