Hey everyone, I just wanted to grab some insight on my first psychiatrist appointment I had last week.

First of all, I haven’t been diagnosed with BPD. A few months ago I had to stop working because I had a plan to end my life and was really scared so I went home to live with my parents for a while. At the time I was seeing my therapist every other week and we had been working on EMDR therapy for some past trauma that seems to make me feel like a burden constantly and others about low self-image. I told her perviously that I was afraid that I might have a personality disorder but I was scared to ask her if she thought I did. My best friend and roommate at the time has been diagnosed with BPD and after having long conversations about our experiences, our emotions and trauma she was also convinced I had BPD. My emotions are always all over the place and I become obsessive over someone and feel extremely dejected and suicidal when they don’t seem to care about me as much as I do, and for the first time in my life I felt like someone understood what I was saying and how I felt. After being home for a while, I talked with my doctor who put me on Zoloft (I have been on Lexapro in the past, but I hated it and it just made me feel numb.) She screened me with lots of questions and also asked if I had heard of BPD, to which I answered yes. She told me that I could have BPD or Bipolar and referred me to a psychiatrist. At the same time, I was seeing my therapist weekly and was feeling extremely depressed, was self harming more than I ever have before and also excessively drinking in my room without my family noticing. I was practicing SH and drinking to punish myself, feel something or distract myself from suicidal thoughts. I told my therapist that my doctor had suggested that I may have BPD or bipolar and she said that maybe we should try some DBT in order to help me control some of my unhealthy urges, which has greatly helped these past few months. Before my psychiatrist appointment last week, my therapist and I made a list of everything I wanted to mention to him and what my fears were going to the appointment. My therapist also told me to tell him first and foremost that I tend to downplay what I am going through a lot. I constantly do this during therapy sessions and I always think I am being dramatic and over exaggerating everything even when I tell her I am suicidal every day and that nothing matters, I just think I am faking it. We wrote down how I constantly have black and white thinking, constantly feeling guilt and feeling like a burden, impulsivity (SH, drinking), constantly pushing my friends and family (relationships) away. We also added how I want to be less suicidal and feel better about myself and want to be able to enjoy life without feeling like a burden to everyone. I was really afraid to go since I have a larger fear with men and I have a bigger fear that they think I’m being dramatic.

My appointment was less than eventful. I was in and out within fifteen minutes, I had printed off the sheet my therapist and I made about the troubles I wanted to mention to him, and told him that I tend to downplay what I am going though and how I think I am faking everything and the feelings I am actually experiencing. He read it over and asked me if I have abandonment issues, which to that I said yes, he asked how old I am and then asked if I have impulsive behaviours, like if I had ever got an impulsive tattoo or piercing to which I said not particularly. He then asked me if I had ever self harmed (which was on the sheet) and then he asked to see them which I was reluctant to show him but showed him the ones on my wrist although most of them are healed because I’ve been working so hard with my therapist these last few months in order to control my urges. He asked me if my emotions are hard to control to which I responded yes, told him how I get really big highs which I enjoy but are followed by lows which I have realized from my therapy sessions and have been working on skills in order to keep my highs more stable. He prescribed me abilify (a mood stabilizer) and asked if I had any other questions to which I asked if he thinks I have any sort of disorder or any symptoms of one which he responded no to, said that I may have some emotional regulation problems but the medication should help with that. Again, I was in and out within fifteen minutes. I cried in my car for two hours after the appointment.

My parents said that it’s good that I don’t have a “disorder”, however am I wrong for being frustrated? I spoke with my therapist about it already and she did make a good point that fifteen minutes isn’t a long enough time to understand someone. I’m just so frustrated because I feel like I’ve done so much research and I am seriously convinced I have quiet borderline, but at the same time I feel like I’m being dramatic and faking it all the time. I don’t want to go on a mood stabilizer just for it not to work because he doesn’t have enough information to be able to medicate or diagnose me properly. I’m so frustrated as I waited over three months for this appointment too. I'm also off work right now and on disability so it's frustrating that I have to go back to work soon and I still feel terrible. I feel like my psychiatrist just tried to diagnose me for “typical” BPD traits. It’s so frustrating and I’ve never been more confused. Does anyone have any advice and/or insight onto what I’m going through right now? Am I wrong for being frustrated and disappointed?Sorry I know this is long. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. Anyways if you read all this I seriously appreciate you and thank you.

**TL;DR I haven’t been diagnosed with BPD but I am convinced I have Quiet Borderline. My therapist and my GP seem to think so as well. I have been in therapy for over five years and three with the same therapist and have been doing DBT with her for a few months now and it is extremely helpful for coping with harmful urges. My visit with my psychiatrist was extremely short and didn’t seem to think there was much wrong other than “emotional instability” and put me on abilify. Am I wrong for being frustrated and disappointed?**