I don't really have anything super exciting to say about it. I'm usually pretty against taking meds (in my case -- i don't have a problem if other people take them because if they're taking them it's safe to say they need it -- if it works, it works. No judgement here.)

I've had several people in my life say, "oh, you should expend all your solutions first," but I really don't think they understand the severity of how this illness has been effecting me. It gotten bad enough to the point that every minute i wasn't buzzing around, i was thinking about offing myself. It's gotten bad enough that at this point I reached out for help which I would never have done under normal circumstances.

So, I got in contact with a psychiatrist and a therapist after searching for something affordable and I got the meds today. I took it about an hour ago so I can't say much for it's effectiveness but I'm not giving up anymore. I may not be able to change my environment right now but I can certainly figure out ways to mitigate the pain I'm feeling -- especially considering I've been diagnosed with BPD (which makes a LOT of sense -- i had my suspicions and my last therapist said it was very likely. They can't necessarily diagnose tho weirdly enough.)

I think it would be a good idea for me to dismiss the people whom have essentially said I haven't tried hard enough to fix myself from my life. I have tried everything. Talking hasn't been a good option for me because it feels more isolating than anything if I'm speaking to someone i care about. I don't like to burden other people. I'm taking a chance and going against my previous thought processes by taking meds. I'm taking accountability for MY mental health. I'm moving on -- if i know where I'm going, I've already gone. 

Anywho, I know reasonably this bs won't come to a complete end but I have some newfound hope. I'm going to start relying on people a little more than I use to allow. I'll release the reigns a little. 

Self pep talk aside, i hope you all are having a lovely day. These highs and lows are bullshit (in a very annoying sense) but you are not bullshit.