I was about to start having an episode earlier today over something so ridiculous and dumb. 

It’s been such a good day so far and I’ve worked so hard lately to get better at not reacting to every feeling, not letting them run my life, but I could feel myself start to spin out. The thought of losing the next few hours to sulking by myself in a dark room while trying not to inconvenience my partner with my emotional tantrum... it kind of sent a shot of panic/desperation through me and I just grabbed my boyfriend and begged him to help me stop spinning out. 

This dude... I’m just really lucky. He knew how to hold me, how to calm me down and logic away the irrational thoughts, how to make me smile. It’s hard to explain how helpless it can feel sometimes, the overwhelming amount of effort it seems to take me to just  maintain what is natural for others. 

I am so tired of losing countless hours of my life just to remain a functional adult and not destroy my life with reckless choices and in the moments where I feel myself again, I can recognize that my coping mechanisms clearly aren’t working. They give me just enough to get by, but that’s not a sustainable way to live. 

I’m really glad I asked for help and that I’m lucky enough to have someone so dedicated to helping shoulder my illness. Instead of ruining a wonderful day for myself over something small and inconsequential and ruminating on it for hours, the whole episode lasted all of 5 minutes. I know that sounds like a small accomplishment to some, but it’s a big deal to me and I wanted to share.