The only reason why I didn’t is because I googled how much a lethal dose of the drugs I have is and it turns out I don’t have enough.

I’m at rock bottom. I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by my family growing up. As a teenager and young adult all my mental illnesses came into fruition. I struggle with BPD, OCD, ADHD, CPTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and trichotillomania. I lost decades of my life to mental illness and suicide attempts. I’m almost 30 and I have nothing - no significant other, no career, no money, no friends. Because I’m so deeply depressed and suicidal, people keep me at arms length away. I can never cultivate true meaningful friendships because all my “friends” are just superficial. The kind of friends I have are the ones who we just send memes to each other and that’s it. No one meaningfully checks in on me even though they know I’m seriously depressed and suicidal. 

I’m just done. I wanted to kill myself so badly tonight and it turns out I simply did not have the means. I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to jump off a bridge or do something gruesome or scary. I just wanted to take a lot of pills and go to sleep and never wake up. 

Please don’t tell me to “hang in there.” I’ve been going to intensive therapy for three years now. I’ve seen so many different doctors and therapists, I’ve tried so many drugs, absolutely nothing works. I’ve tried everything. Please don’t tell me “there’s help out there!” or “call a suicide hotline!” please I’ve been to hell and back and I don’t want to do this anymore. I have nothing to live for. Seriously. This life is far too lonely and miserable. Every day is endless suffering. There are no words to accurately describe the amount of despair I’m in.