I have heard of BPD before and have a few friends confess its something they suffer from, but have always dismissed it as 'not me'. For some reason I have never wanted to fully admit to myself that something is a bit off about my reactions to things, and some recent events are making me realise that this needs to be addressed. 

Brief outline: when i was 21 i went through something traumatic and isolating, and had to suffer through months of trying to make sense of something that nobody could relate to. This was my first experience of anxiety and depression, and i remember acutely feeling 1) like that was it, i was damaged and the world would never return to normal like it was before and 2) completely disconnected to my emotions. I would be triggered by things and my body would be sobbing uncontrollably, yet internally i was blank and almost calm. 

I put a lot of pressure on myself to have a normal and successful life, so i pulled myself together and did the things i felt i was supposed to - continued uni, got a job, moved out of home etc. It wasnt long before i was in a relationship with someone (almost by accident). After only a few weeks of starting this relationship i was completely co-dependendant, and also anxious, jealous and emotionally unstable. Its safe to say the relationship did not end well, which sent me spiralling back down. I have always liked alcohol, but over this time i REALLY got into drinking and became an extreme party girl. 

Eventually i pulled my life together once again (still drinking heavily) but working out, holding down a good job, and saving money. But i could not manage a relationship with anyone. I completely blocked out anyone i was attracted to or the kind of person who would be good for me, and instead had numerous fleeting relationships with people who were completely unsuitable (people in debt, people with girlfriends, people who didnt respect me at all). I could only muster getting close to people who i could visibly see their flaws as it made me feel more in control.

I then moved cities and lived a VERY fast life - drugs, alcohol, constant parties etc. I received a lot of validation from people and was high on life and everything else. Of course this all came crashing down eventually as i continued to make self destructive choices. 

I found myself in another relationship, but was always completely baffled by how i could go from feeling completely in love to completely disinterested (and almost disgusted) in the space of a few moments. This person was extremely tolerant of my crazy moods, but i convinced myself that they were also unsuitable and have now ended the relationship and moved back to my home city.

Now that i am home i am forced to look back at my patterns and choices, and i realise that something is not right. All of my friends are in the process of settling down, and i cant even decide if i like someone for more than 5 mins because my opinion of them is like a swinging pendulum. I have spent a lot of time alone (since everyone says that seems to be the way to 'find yourself') but am now at the point where i would like to settle down too, and stop being so flighty. 

Its also worth mentioning that i regularly convince myself im getting fired (which might be true...) and I often convince myself that my friends secretly hate me (which also might be true).

Mostly just want to put it out there and see if anyone feels the same. I am high-functioning as a person and i know i can be charming and come across genuine, but im starting to think there is really something off with me. 

I have been looking into DBT so if anyone has any experiences around that and how it has helped, please let me know :)