Hello, currently thinking of some pretty dark shit to say the least. Shits fucking crazy that you have the whole world going for you, but you still think horrible about both your life and yourself.

Starting to really feel what Kurt Cobain felt rn ngl.

Wanted to say, I'm not sucidal, by no means. I've learned my lesson. 60+ lacerations and 7 days in a psychiatric hospital is what I've learned. However, I'm starting to get real tired of this bullshit. I'd never attempt the shit again, but suicidal thoughts circle me 24/7.

I don't think there is a source of happiness for me. Never will I be happy like I was as a kid. I don't find joy in anything really. I fake smile, fake laugh, fake everything. Shit's sad, but everyone is like "be happy", I rather be fucking sad than happy. Why? Because if you're sad, you don't get let down.

If I be happy, within a minute, I'll be let down again by life. I rather just stay sad than to be swapping sides every 3 seconds. I also want someone to fucking hurt me, like real bad. I think I deserve the shit tbf. The shit I do, and the people I hurt, I damn well do deserve it.

What I don't deserve is people. I don't deserve anyone at all. And that being said, there's a reason I have Noone. I also don't think I deserve happiness or anything good. My confidence is also nonexistent, because my give a fuck meter ran out a long time ago.