I feel like nobody really cares if I'm gone. Even my closest friends replaced and forgot about me. I just want to sit in my room and rot. I just want to stop existing. Last night was the worst, I couldn't sleep because I broke down and my head keeps screaming "I want to die, I want to die, I want to die". I don't know if I want to ever get better when there's nothing to get better for. 

I even got excited because I got COVID before and thought if it gets worse I could finally die but I just had to get better. It was my one chance to die and I got better. I'm so sick of living. I'm so sick of being abandoned by people I thought cared about me. I just want to be gone and stop existing. It's so painful. It hurts to cry every night and exhaust myself to sleep in that way. Even waking up had me crying. 

I'm just waiting for something to happen to me so I don't have to kill myself instead to save my family from the shame they'd experience if I took my own life instead.