My clinical diagnosis....bi-polar from 3 different doctors. Every time the diagnosis goes untreated because my mental health issues are entangled with my battles with addiction. The mental ups and downs always convince me that I can find peace through self medicating....yet every time my drug use only intensifies whatever mental episode I am going through. I spend most of my life engulfed in shame and self hatred because I hate my addiction(s) and the person they make me, but quitting obviously very difficult. I had 10 days sober yesterday and I was starting to feel a little better after a horrible detox period. But I am back at day 0 again.....disappointed in myself. I look and feel like a walking pile of shit already and I can feel my mental health suffering and deteriorating a lot. I am rambling on Reddit because I didn’t sleep last night and not many people around me  can even pretend to have faith in me. Chronic relapsers are a hard bunch to love. If anyone read this, I’m sorry for the non sense and also thank you.