Hi everyone, I want to share with you all my personal experiences and progress since the last year. I suffered all my life and found out exactly 1 year ago what I was dealing with. 

However, about 6 months ago I discovered the purpose of meditation (Focusing on breath all day long to think about “nothing”, and let go of all attachments). 

It is still really hard to tap into for me,  but when I’m able to, I know it’s exactly what I need to keep doing. 

This works because I learned that the brain can only hold 1 thought at a time, so I always try to keep this rule in mind. Using this technique, I worry WAY LESS about most things and now I NEVER feel like I will lose control of my mind. I also really enjoy driving now because it was easy to practice thinking about nothing, and now I can go an entire trip just focusing on driving only. 

I feel that this is the true way to live. If you’re thinking about the future or present, or any other unconscious thoughts that don’t serve you now, it helps you become aware of it and to snap out of it by returning the focus back to the breath. 

This technique to think about nothing helped me to learn how to stay grounded for the first time. I significantly and rapidly became very good at activities that made me want to keep get better (tennis, video games, etc) by understanding the capacity of brain is only 1 thought, and by staying present. I learned that these activities are the things that make you want to live, and also helps adopt a “IDGAF about OTHERS attitude”. (Which is great).

However, for the first time today after a couple months I started slipping back into my old ways of thinking because I started thinking “my life is shaped the way it is because of BPD. I am fake to even my few close friends and being with anyone drains of my energy. I am a terrible person and I am just empty. Why am I so bored? What’s wrong with me?! My life can never be fixed because if I do this, it would lead to this” and so on. I went back to feeling despair and shame of my life because I thought I had been just ignoring my problems this whole time.

It actually may be true that I was ignoring my real problems, but during those times practicing meditation I was hopeful, happier, and at peace. Then I read this article 
https://www.aabcap.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/M4-ER2-Didonna-Mindfulness-for-emptiness.pdf

“In Buddhism, emptiness is the ultimate truth”. 

This is the opposite of all the western concepts of emptiness. It’s funny because when I was practicing this technique during activities, work, and everything else I felt that this is the ultimate truth of life. (Even though it’s hard to tap into until you surrender to “nothingness”). I believe that even if you still have many problems, like needing to isolate, impulse, shame, you’ll be able to SLOWLY work on these issues while still being at peace. I definitely feel that symptoms are significantly worse when you keep looking up BPD stuff online and start identifying yourself that way..like how I did today.

Overall this article was helpful because it provides the many potential reasons behind cognitive distortion. But seeing that my new life rule “Nothing is everything” is also true for buddhism it see. 

This idea helps me too. To view everything without judgement, You are always new at any given moment.”