My harm OCD  started at age 6, I seen show about young girl stabbing babysitter. Obsessed. I confessed thoughts to parents; but my Mom knew it was a mental disorder and reassured me. 

My obsessions had been based around stabbing previously; but have also obsessed about cursing God in Church, throwing up the bread of Christ (making me a devil), being gay and lastly being a pedophile. 

I had a newborn 2 months ago. I love him. He's very healthy and strong. He's my life and I must protect him. 

I sometimes 'test' thoughts by thinking them. Usually by imaging being at my home and alone and doing something to care for baby that stresses me out. Sometimes feels weird, like an urge. The urge is strong. Feeling eventually subsides. Feeling happens usually in the morning or when alone. 

I don't drive, OCD tells me it's too much responsibility and I could snap and hit pedestrians. 

I've acted on thoughts once or twice. Jumped on a girl from a diving board on purpose when 13 years old. At 16, during a spike, went to the kitchen to grab a knife and stab my dog (never got the knife on realizing dog wasn't home) but dog wasn't home. Never "came close" again. Sought help afterwards. Got an antidepressant. Can't remember which. 

I sometimes feel like 'snapping' and doing something to baby without a particular plan, just feel it in the moment, normally unprovoked. 

I understand consequences (loss of my beloved son, loss of spouse, family) but worries about putting them aside momentarily. 

I had a stressful IVF pregnancy. Bled and thought I miscarried. Once confirmed pregnant, obsessed over miscarriage. 

I started thinking of how my stress would cause miscarriage and hurt embryo.  I
Started thinking of how I was purposely harming my embryo with stress by 'provoking' the thought. 

I also obsessed over purposely punching/slamming belly with baby in it. I once
Looked up online to see how strong uterus is in case I punched it. 

My work distracted me. Pressure of baby caused me to feel like I needed to use the washroom. Obsessed over that all the time. 

My baby was born 3 weeks early, guilt because I knew the stress I brought on could've caused it.
Baby had to be in NICU, low oxygen and sugar. 

The obsession started with thinking about being alone with the baby while husband goes back to work. 

Relief from the thoughts came when I thought about how, if alone, I could put baby in a crib and walk away until the homicidal feeling goes away. (This is known as a ritual.)

Relief came when thinking about how, if things get worse, I could call 911 before anything happens.
Relief by thinking about running outside and giving baby.  to neighbours
Relief by thinking that, worst comes to worst, my parents could take in my son. 
Relief by thinking that the thoughts would subside once baby gets stronger and bigger

I feel sadness and fear on thinking of never getting to raise my baby because I'm a danger to him. 

My obsession and 'urge' returned when I randomly thought "I could easily harm our son while spouse is asleep." 

One day, (3 weeks after birth) while holding baby in bed, thought about going nuts and hurting/killing him, felt extremely sick. 

Im worried about feeling this way forever

I feel like a bad person because, if left alone, certain I would act. 

I feel like a liar to my friends, family and son, because I am a bad person who would hurt a defenseless infant that I love if people weren't around to make me feel 'safe'. 

My parents and partner are aware. 

I feel like a bad Mother. How could a Mother be unsure of acting on bad thoughts? 

I feel like I don't deserve my family, friends or baby.

So much guilt for being capable of acting on thought. 

Guilt for taking two antidepressants while pregnant with baby. 

I sometimes brought up thought purposely to 'test' it. Feel guilty for risking baby by provoking the thought

I occasionally obsessed over 'losing control' in public. Maybe I'd hurt baby or attack baby in public . 

Whenever I am  feeling good, a thought comes which says; "You can't feel good. You'll always know you'd act on it if left alone."

When the obsession hits, pain is felt in belly, particularly around navel

I am so afraid of losing control, picturing holding baby and doing something to him but often, nothing is pictured of what I'd do to him *although sometimes l get a picture*

I'm afraid of dropping baby down staircase. Choking baby. Stabbing baby slowly with a knife. 

I have weird impulses, enjoys squeezing, pinching, poking, worried that this would translate to enjoying worse things like choking or stabbing. 

I am slowly developing fear of house since most bad thoughts/urges occur at my house. 

I am thinking about suicide to protect my baby. I don't want to die but it might be the only way. 

I am worried that the constant thoughts will become too much and I'll 'have' to act. 

I must protect baby from myself, even if it means losing him. (Which saddens me. ) 

I fully believe I would act on thought if alone

I also worry that even if I'm better in the future, I'd snap randomly. 

I must do everything to ensure baby's safety. Consulted a psychologist. Told boyfriend. Told Mother and Father. Told close friends. 

I have not done anything remotely dangerous to baby yet; all thoughts surround me being alone with him while spouse is at work and "blanking out" which I am convinced will happen in the future

Spikes happen when I think about how I'd lose control on my own and how that makes me a 'bad' person.

Spikes happen randomly when happy and loving but also when baby cries which stresses me out. 

Stress and anxiety seem worse in the morning. 

I am ironically paranoid about SIDS, check on baby in swing every 5 minutes and in car seat. I feel guilty if I do something that increases the risk of SIDS due to convenience.  (Ie; letting baby sleep in my bed with us, keeping baby sleeping in car seat.)


Today, while at my parents I was thinking about taking care of baby while my Mother was asleep. Felt anxious. Couldn't get anxiety out of head. Fell asleep. 

Next morning woke up. I lied down with Mom and baby. Mom had baby on her chest. Thoughts about squeezing or dropping baby came to mind. I felt weird. Not myself. I imagined myself being home alone at my place, tired and having to tend to baby as soon as spouse leaves. I imagine feeling numb and tired from the thoughts and just doing something to him. I didn't specify in my mind what I'd do, just something bad. I thought about how I can't get it out of my head. It felt inevitable

Eventually I felt nauseated and cold. I couldn't sleep. After getting up, felt normal. 

I felt guilty and realized I can never be alone with him. 

I had another incident where baby was crying because his bowels were hurting him. I picked him up and placed him on my chest, face-down to relax him. 

After a few hours, I woke up. Suddenly, on waking up, my intrusive thoughts hit me. 

The thought was: "What if spouse being here no longer prevents me from hurting/killing baby?" (My previous relief had been thinking I was safe as long as spouse was around.) 

I felt (or perceived) my anxiety rise. I felt my stomach drop and then perceived to feel numb. I looked at baby, lying on top of me. I usually don't have a specific obsession when I feel this way. I just feel like I'd snap and figure it out while approaching baby. But; I thought about choking him. I stared up at him and felt that weird feeling. I thought about how I'd most certainly do something to baby if I were alone with him. 

He started crying due to being hungry. Spouse picked him up to feed him. I felt sick. To myself, it felt like a close call. 

I honestly feel that there's never going to be a time where I feel safe with him. And I can't risk his life. It tears me up. It makes no sense. And I've never wanted to give up so badly. I don't think it's just OCD. I think it may be something else, too. It's a lot, being pounded with repetitive thoughts. It's getting to be too much. 

I feel alone and gross. I kind of just want to go to jail or a mental institution to prevent my nightmare. 

I reside in Canada. I don't think there's a lot of resources here because I think I'm severe. I feel weak for being like that. 

At least reddit gives me a tiny bit of reprieve.