So I am 20 years old, I got diagnosed with BPD when I was 17, and I have not been in a romantic relationship since I was 16. I gave up relationships as part of my recovery, to focus on myself, and I wasn’t capable of being healthy in one. Now, it’s been so long that I genuinely don’t know how to be romantic, it is out of my comfort zone. I haven’t had a long-term partner, ever. 

This past week, I’ve been seeing this guy. We’ve hung out a few times, and I think he wants something more from me. We have not hooked up, and he says he likes me. I don’t know if I actually like him back (I said I did), he is very sweet and kind, and I like being around him. However, the thought of being in a relationship fills me with intense anxiety, and I feel physically nauseous. 

I spend most of my time by myself, I am very introverted and independent. I don’t have many friends either. Over the years of being alone, I’ve grown very accustomed to this lifestyle. Because of that, I think I’ve developed severe commitment issues. I don’t think I want to ever get married, and I never want children either. I do not look forward to hanging out with other people. Now that I spend most of my time by myself, social interaction not only drains my energy, but also genuinely irritates me. COVID hasn’t helped my introversion, I honestly believe I am developing agoraphobia. 

With all this in mind, I don’t know how to be around people. I don’t know how to be in a relationship, I’ve cried today thinking about being in one with that guy. I want to be alone, but I know it’s not good for me. I hate other people, but I don’t want to. 

This isn’t a healthy way to live and I don’t know what to do. Please help.