I thought this sub would be the best place for this since most people on abuse, relationship, and trans subs don’t deal with BPD. Maybe somebody here will have better insight. 
Tl;dr: Trying to get out of an abusive relationship. Tips on how to detach when you have to stay with that person and pretend you’re not planning on leaving? I don’t know how to stay motivated to leave when I feel guilty for planning it and still being ‘in the relationship’

I came out to my boyfriend of 4 years as non binary almost a year ago, and he didn’t start using my preferred name/ pronouns until 2 weeks ago when I basically pleaded with him to start using them. I told him how much it was hurting me, that it seemed like he wasn’t trying despite telling me he was (he never even caught and/ or corrected himself). With some help from a user on [r/AskTransgender](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/85r46a/partner_pronoun_problems/?st=JFYTYXN0&amp;sh=547a251b) and my therapist I was able to come to terms with the fact that my relationship is incredibly toxic.

I spent a lot of time splitting on him and myself. Eventually came to the realization that it’s not about who has been the most abusive. We are both abusive, but he holds most of the power due to the living/ financial situation. We need to break up. I began to mourn the relationship. I was crying often when at home or in the car. I dropped 10 pounds due to stress. I was miserable but determined. I applied for a job, did the interview, and got an offer in one day. I finally did my taxes! I was thinking about my future on my own. For the very first time.

Then I got scared. I started cuddling with him again; talking to him. Trying to fix it instead of detaching emotionally. I don’t know how to be emotionally healthy as well as stop trying to connect with someone I have a relationship with, no matter how damaging.

Since he finally started using my preferred name/ pronouns I’ve been overcompensating, eating more (gained 12 pounds back), trying to reason with him, and spending more time with his family. I haven’t even given the new job a date that I can start. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I know it is unhealthy but I don’t know how to stop and it’s frustrating. 

There’s a ton of guilt and shame behind this, honestly. He spent some of his tax money on me and I put mine in a separate savings account to get something started for moving out. We also share a bank account which was my idea. That’s going to be a hassle to get my name off once I tell him I want to break up, and he makes more currently so some of his money goes towards my bills when I’m not getting hours (like now!). He puts $5 from his check into a separate savings account in my name every week because my work doesn’t allow me to split my checks. I feel like I’m taking his money and being dishonest with him about my intentions in the relationship. I feel like I’m being manipulative. I’m trying to not be like that anymore; because I’m aware of what I’m doing and what my goal is it feels intentional and that makes it worse. 

My therapist keeps telling me I need to distance myself and detach emotionally. But I don’t know how to do that when I have to make sure he doesn’t know what’s going on. I hate being sneaky and using him to make sure I don’t end up homeless. But I don’t have another option. How do I cope with the guilt while staying focused on my goals? 