It feels short lived, but since July I have been able see and feel myself not fighting it. I always get “weird” around my birthday but this year feels so much different. I’ve been thinking closer to the edge of blackness and this is the first time in awhile now that I haven’t tried to fight it. 


I feel like I have been distant from everyone and pushing them away. The last 3 years have been the worst I’ve felt in a while. At least in terms of how I cope. I have always had periods of my life where I binge on drugs or alcohol, sometimes both. 


Right now I have been drinking a lot and I always find myself fighting it because alcoholism runs deep in my family and I don’t want to be like everyone else in my family. I don’t even like that I’m posting on here but I don’t know what else to do. 



I genuinely hate myself and it feels like nobody believes me so I’m embarrassing myself for the world right now lol 



I quit everything that I was doing to try and be better because it all feels like it made me hate my life more. I can’t escape my bad decisions because I have let myself become too dependent on others picking up after myself. 


 I keep trying to drag myself to the psychiatrist appointment I made that’s next week but dang is it hard. He’s also someone that I have a love/hate relationship with lol he can laugh at my humor but also puts emphasis on how I need to make myself a priority. No idea how I’m supposed to do that because I screwed myself with having kids with a crappy person. And I married that crappy person and every time I have tried to leave everyone makes it impossible. 



The guilt trip is real. Last time I tried to leave they threatened to take my cash, car, kids and everything in between.  I can’t leave when  my entire family and friends (the 2 that I’ve been able to hold onto lol) are going to abandon me. I even told them that I wouldn’t be able to survive this again but no one seemed to care. 


I’m sure it’s in my head. I don’t understand how I’ve fucked my self more than my siblings have. Makes me just feel more broken. 


My older siblings made fun of me growing up because of being ”crazy” and I feel even more shame for being almost 30 and my life is just falling more apart. I feel like a total outsider to life. I have tried overdosing several times in my life and have  no idea why or how I’m still breathing. I should be grateful but I just feel like even God doesn’t want me. 



I should commit myself but anytime I mention it my family lets me know that it’s a hardship for them. So I just agree and force myself to push through it in the most toxic ways. I know I’ve ruined everyone  around me especially my kids. I don’t know if I am going to be able to see myself out. 


I know this is a drunken ramble but I am tapped out. I know I’ve made myself way worse than it needed to be and dragged innocent little people into my brokenness. But I can’t make myself see it as anything less than setting them free. I’ve hardly been a mom the last 3 years and I can’t give them love.