A coworker invited me over to hook up earlier this week, and I got so excited because it's been 2+ years since I've had any kind of sexual activity and I have never had a woman be into me like this before. She apparently drank a fifth of rum and a handful of Xanax before inviting me over, so the night ended with me calling an ambulance and giving her rescue breaths until they arrived fifteen minutes later; it felt like I had to wait for hours. The next day she calls accusing me of trying to kill her and demands that I pay for the TV that she fell into trying to get off of me, apparently it's my fault because I wasn't sexually adequate and had nothing to do with the stupid amount of downers she was on,

I keep going numb because I don't know what else to do, it's the safest state. If I think about it I get confused and angry and I get scared because I have never felt anger like this before. Every goddamn time I have tried to open up to someone this year it has just taught me that it isn't safe to be myself, if someone desires me it's because they want something I have, and I feel unlovable. 

It's like people can see right through me and tell I am insecure and unable to set boundaries and stand up for myself. I caved in and gave her the money for half of a new TV, I just wanted her to quit contacting me because I feel like I'm about to completely break down crying and screaming, I leave work in a week to start a new job, but I want to quit now so I don't have to be near her in the office next week. I'm frightened of her; every time I wasn't paying enough attention or didn't show enough excitement or whatever she would just start screaming at me and I can't put up with that. It takes me right back to being yelled at by my dad as a kid. My work is already trying to make me feel guilty about "only" giving two weeks notice, No one even congratulated me on getting my dream job, my boss told me I was ungrateful and she was disappointed, **Nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone and everything I try to do for myself backfires.**

Why are people so evil? I'm so lonely and I want validation but I'm not worth anything, I just have other stuff people can bully out of me way too easily. And now my new job isn't looking too certain. I've tried so hard to do the right thing in life and be a good person. I fuck up a lot and do shitty things that hurt people but it's accidental. All of my failures seem unforgivable. I should be packing my apartment up and calling my new boss to figure out what the plan is, but instead I'm staying up all night getting faded and writing code for work. I know that if I take all the pills I have in my apartment, I will definitely go to sleep forever. But that's what I thought the last two times I tried it and every time I miraculously wake up. I told my friends about these feelings and if I can make it through the week, I get to start seeing my favorite psychiatrist again once I move.

Everything just feels like too much right now. All the 60-hour weeks I have been putting into work where I was promised off-the-books PTO, not gonna happen. HR is trying to cheat me out of benefits already. I'm going to shut up now because if you read this far, you're a trooper. **All I want is to be noticed and sincerely validated. Why is that too much to ask?**