I think I just need to vent. Or maybe get an opinion. I don’t know. But anyways. I got married to my partner of 9 years back in September. Everything’s been perfect, other than the fact that we have to live with his family of 8 while we renovate a house we’re renting out for free (it’s a long story, not important). Anyways, after there’s been some toxins found in the home we’re renovating, my anxiety and stress levels have been extreme. I don’t want to live in the new house, but because it’s free, my husband is stuck on staying there rather than finding a new place. I think I realized the fact that I have to abide by another person, for real this time, really makes me nervous. I’m a free spirit. I’m a crazy, wild, adventurous, spontaneous person. And the realization that I have to always make decisions with another person scares the shit out of me. During our relationship, he let me do whatever I wanted. And I loved it. But now, the fact that I can’t just go off and do whatever makes me feel so stuck. I don’t want the responsibilities of being a wife. 
I think this hit me after my husband said he didn’t want to change houses, and all the trauma of watching my mom have to go with everything my dad wanted that put us in terrible situations for years came to light again. Even though my relationship with my husband isn’t like my parents, it scares me to see myself like my mom, and to deal with this kind of lifestyle forever. 
Another factor in this is the fact that I’m tired of my city in North Carolina. I’ve lived here since I was 9, and I’m so, utterly bored. My husband and I couldn’t leave because his career is here. Even though I’m in grad school right now, I’m willing to put it on pause to figure out my life again. 
My husband has been amazing. Our 9 year relationship was super rocky, but after we got married, somehow everything changed and he’s been showing me so much love and devotion. Which makes things even worse, because he doesn’t deserve someone who doesn’t want to give him what he needs in the role that I chose to be. 
I feel terrible. I told him everything last night, that I didn’t feel like I was ready to settle down, that I didn’t want the responsibilities of being a wife, that I’m too crazy and wild for someone like him, that I just want to be free. He didn’t get mad, he’s just been asking me if this has been a waste of time. But I don’t want to be a waste of time for him; but I also don’t want to be stuck either. 
Another factor in this is the fact that I’m tired of my city in North Carolina. I’ve lived here since I was 9, and I’m so, utterly bored. My husband and I couldn’t leave because his career is here. Even though I’m in grad school right now, I’m willing to put it on pause to figure out my life again. 
I have been looking for places to stay and jobs in Colorado in case I just decide to run away and start a new life. Even if it’s just for six months to get out there and experience life on my own (I’ve lived w my controlling parents up until I got married, and I have also ONLY ever been with my husband).  But of course this is the most selfish thing I could do. The right thing to do would be to stay and be responsible. But what my mind and body want to do is move away and explore a different life away from everything I’ve ever known. 
Has anyone else gone through this? What’s the right thing to do? My heart is in two different places. I LOVE my husband. This isn’t about not loving him. But I need to get the fuck out of here in this place I’ve been forever.