Since January I had unbelievable amounts of anxiety, I'm used to it, it would come and pass but for the first time in my life it's staying around at this level for this long. It's been two months and I'm feeling completely shitty.

I've been trying to deal with my health anxiety for ages and ever since this whole pandemic has started the anxiety ramped up to unbearable amounts. I couldn't tell anyone I was positive, I wanted to post here but I couldn't even do that. It was surreal. I was in such a state that I felt like I would break down crying at the slightest sound, touch, anything. I came close to that but I kept myself busy, trying not to think about it. I felt like I was the only person in the whole world that tested positive. I couldn't even send the sick report thingy to the uni. 

It's been two weeks now. I feel a lot better than the first week, thank god it was just mild but, I still have shortness of breath, distress when breathing. It especially happens when I'm sitting and not moving around. I don't know if it's connected to my anxiety, I hope it is just a psychological symptom. I'm extremely anxious about the possibility of any type of damage neurologically and cognitively and the slimmest chance this having long-term affects. 

For the first time in my life I was beginning to feel like I had it all under control, I created a perfect routine for myself and all. I was working out fucking HARD everyday, I quit smoking and I was feeling extremely good. For the first time in my life I was in a very good shape. This is very important for me as I always had problems with it. 

I'm devastated when I see myself being out of breath while going to the fucking toilet. Feels like everything is falling apart. Thank god I'm better now but I still can't breathe comfortably. Weird thing is that when I'm walking it's a lot lot lot better, I can even say it's gone. I've been taking 1 hr walks since the quarantine period ended, I walk very fast out of habit, now I'm having trouble, I get tired easily, and it's fucking me up mentally.  

While I was having a hard time dealing with "normal" anxiety now this, it's too much for me.

I'm still not going outside except for walking and shopping, I'm not going to the classes, I know the quarantine period is over but I can't stop but think what if someone gets infected because of me? So I don't go anywhere. 

Now, a dear friend wants to drink tonight (not going out, online), I really need that as well. I'm feeling okay but since I overthink everything I researched a bit and it's not really recommended, it would be great to wind down a little. I don't know.

I'm gonna go take a walk maybe for 2 hours this time. Thanks for listening to my ramblings, I really needed to get this out since that shit day. I didn't even tell my friends I was positive.