I've been diagnosed with bpd since 2014. Shortly thereafter I had another child and for a time I feel like my disorder had calmed down. Which beings me here, over the past year I have been getting increasingly ill. A lot of this was down to external factors (almost being evicted, having behavioral issues with my youngest child, having next to no money for a time) and I try and communicate this to my partner when I feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of episode. I feel it is just a courtesy at this point, you know?

Anyway, in my quest to find treatment (from the age of 13) that has led me to the drs many, many times over the years (especially pre-diagnosis) I began to get wreckless with my medicating. Patchy, inconsistent, substance mixing...some intentional, some not. I know I have induced psychosis at least twice due to this behaviour. I think the reason for this is that I am a former chronic self harmer and in my wonky logic, feel that I would be letting myself down and hurting my family if I were to return to doing that. I don't always medicate, sometime I go weeks and weeks without needing to abuse anything, because I am having a reasonably stable phase. But it never lasts. I tell myself that this is it, I've cracked it, I've overcome my illness and if I just keep on keeping on then I will be able to live. And then the illusion shatters and I am back to frantically scrambling to keep a hold on my head again. I'm so tired. I feel like I've only gone and broken myself more.

Lately I can't stop thinking about killing myself. The voice is getting louder and more prominent, pushing any rational thought aside and focusing on creeping up on me whenever I find myself in a negative state of mind. I lay in bed and cry because I feel like I am being forced into something that I know will be so painful for the people I love. I get desperate and start trying to find help, looking up a private dbt specialist that I can afford. I'm scared to proceed because then it's really real and not just happening inside my head.

And then it goes away as quickly as it pushed its way into my psyche. I really fucking hate this disorder because one day I feel like it is going to take me over and I won't have the strength to stop it that time.