I was in a friends with benefits relationship that turned into us almost dating, but there was some turbulence due to my fears of abandonment and pushing this person away multiple times. So he ended it. About a month later (last week) we reconciled to have a friendship. But he has a lot of friends and has made no effort to include me in anything. We haven't gone to dinner, hung out, etc and we hardly talk. I haven't even seen him since 2 weeks before he ended it, so all this has taken place via text. I feel like I am putting more effort than he is, again, like it was in the past. With BPD I try to realize the not everything is about me and that he could just be busy and not take it to an extreme of "oh shit he's about to abandon me!" but at the same time, there has to be a balance because this is also an instinct. Is the writing on the wall? I sent a text this morning just saying that I would like the friendship, but I am going to let him take the lead and put in the effort because I can't invest myself in something that won't work or pay off for me. I have needs in relationships that need to be met. 

I feel like I'm clinging to something that's dead. That's what I always do. Am I in the wrong to have sent this text? I still haven't heard a reply. Am I wrong to say these things or does it just come off as desperate or obsessive, etc? Relationships, including friendships, are so hard for me and I don't understand how to navigate them. It blows. I hate it. 

How am I supposed to avoid feeling unlovable when I have no one in my life that loves me? How am I supposed to avoid feelings of abandonment when everyone I've ever known is gone, by my choice or theirs? How do I avoid this? How can I just be comfortable with myself? I am in therapy, doing DBT, and taking medication, doing the exercises, etc. I am fighting hard for myself, but I still just can't regulate my feeling and relationships are out of control for me. Even if I am healthy, it doesn't mean I am lovable or likable. 

I'm just rambling. I need someone else's perspective and some support. I really want this friendship but I fear that this person doesn't. I guess there's nothing I can do about that, but I just need support. I am so sick of being alone and friendless. It's getting to be so hard. Thanks. 