Hello friends,   
This is a throwaway account.   
I love my boyfriend of 4.5 years, I know deep down in my heart that I want to see him at the end of the aisle when I get married. But recently I fell into this episode that I can't shake.   
Backstory: A few months ago, I left the state to go take care of my sick grandmother. He was supportive and took over caring for the apartment and dog that we share. When she passed I did not come home because I had to help care for my grandfather. I was there for 2 months before returning home.   
The day after I came home I started thinking that I never loved him, I will never love him again, and we couldn't possibly have a future together. I have had an episode like this once before, but it was over in 4 days. Now its been 3 weeks. The thought of being without him makes me want to die, and it got so bad that I went back to be with my family again so that I didn't hurt myself. (I am safe). But I can't find joy in anything I once did. Food (my main source of comfort sometimes) isn't even making me happy.   
When I talk to him I'm happy, but there is this nagging thought that says I'm faking it. When he texts me I'm happy, but I'm afraid those feelings are fake.   
My mom and therapist both say that I'm dealing with a lot (quarantine, death of a family member, etc) and that I should ride this wave out, but I'm afraid that I'm being manipulative and I will never be happy again. 

&amp;#x200B;

TL;DR: I am in a dark place thinking about the future with my boyfriend but I still want to be with him. Am I just depressed?