I'm in this constant state of feeling too little, I think apathy. I have a difficult time understanding excitement and happiness. These are emotions I've experience in a quick and short manner (couple seconds) but then I quickly go back to these flat emotions. I feel like a lifeless robot and I hate it.

There are moments when something funny happens and my brain recognizes that it's funny but I can't genuinely laugh. I have to force it and it feels frustrating because it doesn't seem genuine. People will be dying laughing to the point of tears and I am barely moved by something. I just want to experience what they experience but I can't. There are moments when I laugh naturally but that doesn't happen often.

I could legitimately be gifted something most people would be electrified and excited by and there I am feeling pretty much nothing. I can appreciate the gift but I feel nothing no matter what it is. Hypothetically someone could gift me something super expensive, money, or something cute like a puppy and I will not feel anything. I just feel indifferent towards most things. Someone could do something kind for me and I will feel nothing. I could go to an event I've been wanting to go to but once it happens, the experience is always underwhelming and the excitement I thought I would feel is not there, just flat emotions. I have to convince myself that I feel excitement even if I really don't.

I will procrastinate doing my responsibilities because I have so much apathy towards them. I feel no sense of urgency or thrill to do things because of how little I feel towards those things. I lose opportunities, experiences, money, because I'm not emotionally moved enough to care. The only thing that gives me a slight boost of dopamine is exercise in combination with music but everything else is just bleh. Like I want to care but it seems like I am mentally incapable.