I’ve been to DBT classes and gone through all the sections identified by Linehan. Been going consistently for about 5 months now, and went through intensive course almost a year ago. I feel like I could teach a course on DBT.

I’ve been seeing a counselor consistently for a while now as well (been seeing counselors for over 15 years now, since I was a teenager). I feel like I have talked through so much, and learned so many skills on a textbook and theoretical level.

Despite this, I still have outbursts and uncontrollable self loathing emotions (even when I recognize that I’m spiraling it in the moment). I still get suicidal. It sucks. My marriage is suffering. I’m not as present with my kids as I could be, though I actually have been pretty good with them the last couple of months.

So, I’m taking the step of entering residential treatment in Saturday. I kinda feel like it’s about as intense of treatment as you can really get. 

But I’m scared. I’m scared I will go through residential treatment and still not be able to manage my emotions, manage the difficulties of relationships with my family, or manage life. Because, if I’ve gone through pretty much every type of treatment there is, what hope can I have? 

I know this is a pessimistic view. I know I need to think positive. But I can’t help but feel like this is THE defining experience that will determine whether I can continue the life and family I have created, in a healthy way for each member, or if I’m hopeless and they really are better off without me.
