I was diagnosed recently and I don't have any friends with BPD. So I'm new here, not still fully acquainted with the basics. Hi! 

Long story short, my bestfriend wanted a break from talking bc my episodes were getting too much for him. At this point he knew I'd been diagnosed but I didn't give him a name. 

4 days into the break, I was having a meltdown and I reached out to him. I told him that the diagnosis was BPD. He said if I needed him we could end the break right there. I insisted we stick to not talking, saying that this was just a slip up and if he needed space for his own mental peace then he should take it regardless of my mental health. 

Right now, I've been crying and I feel crazy. In my head, this feels like abandonment. 
- How could he leave me exactly during this life changing period (the new diagnosis)? 
- How can he go so long without as much as acknowledging my existence let alone checking up on me? 

I know rationally that I'm overthinking.
Of course he cares, why else would he offer to end the break and be there for me at the expense of his mental peace?
And he's probably not checking up on me bc I told him explicitly that I wanted to get through this period (of understanding and begining to manage my new diagnosis) on my own because every time I've leaned on people I've only felt annoying and burdensome. He's just honouring what I'd asked. 

What genuinely stings though is that I drove my bestfriend to such exhaustion, that he wants time away from me to feel ok. That my presence in his life was so burdensome that not speaking with me is bringing him peace. That stings. More so because there's no denying it. That's not overthinking, it's a fact -- my episodes are not fun to manage. I'm having a hard time not beating myself up about that. 

None of my coping skills are working.
I'm on antidepressants.
Music isn't interesting. 
I have less control over my binging. 
I have to force myself to want to dance. 
Journaling, doodling regularly but I don't know how kuch good it's doing. 
I'm crying in the middle of a stand up special. 

h a l p