Hey so it’s a bit on the longer end but I really need help so if you can listen and offer some insight or even just tell me your experience. So I have been unwell for a long time now, after developing Covid at the end of April and then two weeks later coming down with another respiratory infection I’ve never fully seemed to recover back to good health. Cough has lingered on for over a month, along with bad shortness of breath, sometimes it’s so bad I really think I’m gonna die. I’ve been to doctors, they didn’t even really examine me one of them literally just prescribed anotibiotics automatically then practically me gestured for me to leave and another said it’s post viral cough likely🤦‍♀️ they all saying different things and no one even bothers to take a chest x ray or anything, even when I went to the ER in hopes to get one. My parents refuse to hear of my “crazy shit” anymore, they don’t even take my complaints seriously anymore and sometimes I feel my life is worth nothing in anyone else’s eyes but mine. My mum even said it once I had an emergency who do I think would really take me seriously anymore? I’m just a number to the whole system and even if I died, life would go on and  everyone would forget about me and my pointless and avoidable physical suffering. My parents might miss me for a little but they’d eventually realise it’s much easier without me and actually heave a sigh of relief: I’m a massive burden on them. The world wouldn’t even feel my absence. I don’t have many friends, and my family doesn’t like me much. And why would they? Who likes someone who’s always suffering and letting them know she isn’t well?

Now, the thing is, I’ve had this shortness of breath and cough intermittently for over a month with wheezing occasionally but yesterday evening I had one out of two pretty bad coughing fits I nearly spat my lungs out. After it eventually subsided, really bad shortness of breath and wheezing remained and it actually is still here and has been constantly here for over 24 hours now. My mum has asthma she’s had it since she was 17 she’s 45 now but since she got diagnosed with it years it’s pretty much under control for her. She suggested for me to use a rescue inhaler last night which I eventually reluctantly did because I’m also on Escitalopram and I’ve heard from multiple places that taking Ventolin with Escitalopram can cause a dangerous even lethal heart arrhythmia. I took two puffs cause she scared me, saying it could be an asthma attack and what if I get unwell at night. The wheezing somewhat subsided but came back in about 30 mins, coughing somewhat subsided but it’s now been over 24 hours and I’ve been feeling breathless the whole day. I know while lips and fingers aren’t blue the problem isn’t that bad but I’m just terrified I’ve got undiagnosed asthma triggered by the infections I’ve had this past month and knowing the doctors around here my chances of getting treated for it, let alone diagnosed.. are pretty slim? I’ve heard of people my age dying of asthma attacks that became severe pretty quickly and this way of suffocating that I’ve already been feeling, just really scares me. Shortness of breath is always there, sometimes less but almost always there.

I’ve suspected I could have asthma for a while, but now it seems pretty clear it’s probably got triggered. The thing is it’s been untreated, and it feels really dangerous. Being short of breath and constant chest tightness all day is also terrifying. I got a spirometry once years ago but I wasn’t symptomatic at that very time of the test so it didn’t show any abnormalities. It’s now the evening again and my symptoms always feel worse in the evening for some reason. I have an appointment booked with a GP for tomorrow but I don’t really have any hopes up to even get a referral for any kind of test.

My mother says she’s way too tired and can’t deal with this. She always gets irritated when I talk to her about my symptoms. I’ve had death anxiety for a while now but this asthma business is really making it worse. I’m also afraid my family might cremate me if I die and i really don’t want that, I’ve made it clear I want to be buried because one way I try to cope with my death anxiety is to just pretend death is like a sleep. One way I’ve been trying to cope with this immense fear of dying is that I’ve been trying to think of death as more of something positive than negative, as a journey instead of an end. Dying sucks, especially when it happens young and avoidable but I’ve been telling myself that it’s likely only a couple of very bad minutes or hours of physical and mental suffering and terror, and then it’s all over and it’s probably nothing but peace after that. That death is okay, it’s natural, it happens to millions of others at the same time as it will occur to me and I won’t be crossing the great divide alone. Even if it seems that way.
That if I’ll ever have to be suffocating because my pleas for help are overlooked, then I’ll just close my eyes and process the agony and try to embrace dying as a transition to peace, instead of thinking about my lost life.
That when death comes, it means my body is in need of rest and that it’s fought and fought ferociously to keep me alive but it can’t be stretched beyond its limits forever.

Yet, when shortness of breath gets this bad, and I get a coughing attack, unspeakable terror washes over me and every cell of my body wants to cling to life. It’s not time yet, I’m only 23. Please lord don’t let me die yet, give me another chance! I have so many dreams and aspirations and such a hunger for life😔
How do you make peace with mortality? Regard it as a friend and not an enemy? How can you ever be okay with the possibility of dying so young, lonely, overlooked and neglected, and full of dreams?

Plus I’m also really scared what’s after death? Like what if it isn’t the peace I’d hope it is?