This happened first some time late last fall.

Something happened that left me very emotionally upset and I was sitting on the floor of my room against the wall, had a knife, and just started digging it into my left arm. Saw it bleeding and was overcome with a sense of complicated relief. There really wasn't a *decision* to do this, but in that moment of intense emotional pain I felt like I had no escape - at the time I really should not have left my room because the source of my reaction was directly outside - and cutting was almost a compulsory, instinctual, mechanical response.

The creation of physical pain subdues emotional pain. Your body must feel the physical pain. Your body cannot feel ALL pain at once.

Since then I've cut maybe 3-5 more times. Same arm same location. I'm not cutting very badly, just enough to bleed some and leave a visible wound, and only at times when I feel intense emotional distress and really do not know what else to do.

No one else knows this.