My ex of like 18 months, went no contact coming up on three weeks now. It has seemed like three months. I loved him very much. I really wanted it to work. I know I have an illness and I tried to be better. I know he probably doesn’t think I cared. That hurts the most. I loved him more than I loved myself. Im sure that’s the issue. I feared he would leave me. I know BPD contributed mostly to the dysfunctions in our relationship. I wish people could see that there is still a being underneath the illness. We all share symptoms but we are all different people underneath the illness. I wish I would be healthier. I wish I could have met him in the future, when I’m healthy. I miss him. I miss him every moment of the day. I haven’t called his phone. I haven’t texted him. I haven’t threatened him. I haven’t threatened suicide. I haven’t stalked him. I haven’t had sex with anyone else. I haven’t hurt myself. I have though smoked and drank a little bit. I haven’t moved on. I haven’t been seeking another person. I haven’t started a smear campaign. I haven’t contacted any of his friends. I haven’t done anything manipulative. I haven’t even told him that I miss him bc this would be some of the “typical” things a borderline would do. I’m trying to break the stereotype. I truly did love him no matter what anyone may believe. I was abused as a child. I do have traumas. It is hard for me in relationships. I do have rage. I do fear real or imagined abandonment. I do have a lot of triggers. I do seem dramatic. I do feel in extremes. I do have suicidal thoughts. All of that is true! I can tell you what else is true. I do know I have an illness. I do know it’s difficult to deal with. I do know it’s exhausting. I do take accountability. I do apologize. And I do mean it. I do want help. I do love. And I will break the stereotype that “pwBPd are manipulative, hopeless, monsters with no ability to love or feel loved in return. This is such an insensitive view of people who have been through trauma. It’s kind of a black or white way of thinking in itself. There is a gray area with BPD. There are not so great humans with the illness. There are good humans with the illness. There are not so good humans with other mental illnesses. There are good humans with the same illnesses. There are people aware of their illness and people who are unaware. There are good people without any illness. There are not so good people without any illness.  You get the point!! There is a person (their true being) underneath the illness. So the illness is just something on top of who they already are. This is why many struggle with identity issues. They have this “other side of them”-the illness. Kinda makes it hard to feel like a good person when you do not so good things. At the end of the day YOU know who YOU are underneath the illness! Don’t let a bias opinion and a label of characteristics, defining a particular category of illness you’re in, make you feel less than. You know if you’re intentions are good and if you truly love someone or you’re consciously playing games. You know if you’re trying to be better. You know what you have and have not done that you’ve been accused of. I think most of the things borderlines do is subconscious behavior, due to fears and emotional sensitivity. This doesn’t make it ok though. I’m not saying that. It’s important to be aware of the effects your behavior has on others. If you want to be healthier, the first step is awareness. Don’t give up! You’re not a monster. Some people just don’t understand and that’s ok. It doesn’t make them a monster bc they think you’re one. It’s just a complex matter and just like anything- there is going to be two sides. No one has walked in your shoes but YOU. Get better. You CAN! 🖤