I blew my last chance with my (now ex)fiancé/fp two weeks ago when he suddenly became distant for a week and I nagged him and nagged him to tell me why. He blew up because I couldn’t give him the space he needed. He told me he needs to be alone, and although he hasn’t found anyone new, he has no idea if he wants to get back together again.

I didn’t have a single episode for 3 months before that. That’s a whole quarter of a year which was HUGE to me. (It only took me two days of getting sick to get back on my BPD bullshit. Ugh.) But it wasn’t enough. Understandable though - I did too much initial damage.

I honestly thought he’d come back by now... he never stayed away for more than a few days, but this time, it’s been 10. I’m numb about it besides occasional random crying and fear of him finding someone else (he usually doesn’t stay single for more than a few months). I’m so mad at myself for being concerned about that than about myself or his well-being. At the same time it feels like he never even existed in my life. It’s weird and annoying because I can’t grieve properly.