The levels of irritability, depression, and self-loathing I feel are really destructive and I am scared I won’t ever be able to escape my own brain. The support system I have of family, friends, and mental health professionals is objectively wonderful, and I feel tremendous guilt for continuing to feel like a completely hideous, worthless, undesirable waste of space. So much of my (40f) sense of self worth is wrapped up in never having had a good dating experience, never feeling attractive, or like any man on the planet will ever be interested in a romantic relationship with me. All of my experience has been either one night stands or casually dating men who ghosted, or being interested in someone who ended up being interested in a friend (seriously, I am not exaggerating when I say that at least 8 men I have wanted to pursue romantic relationships with have either been spending time with me in order to get with my friend, or happened to meet another woman I know and immediately decided they were a better option). It’s nearly impossible not to think that I’m just universally undesirable to all men and doomed to be alone and unloved for the rest of my life. I know that love/relationships are not everything, but I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me that no man has ever wanted me in over 20 years of trying to explore the dating world. It’s so hopelessly sad I don’t know how to keep surviving every day, thinking that I will never get to experience a real, intimate relationship ever. Years of therapy, multiple medication‘s to combat my depression and anxiety, a successful professional career, friends and family and several therapists have all expressed that they don’t understand why I can’t seem to find *ANYONE* who is a good fit and interested in me. Like, there has to be something seriously wrong with the way that I look, or who I am, if I’ve gotten to 40 years old and no one has ever wanted me, right? I feel like I’m beating my head against a wall trying to figure out what it is about me that appears to repel men, and it’s making me so depressed I want to die thinking it will always be this way.