I'm at a loss here, and I'm really looking for perspective.  One of the few complaints I have with my wife (and almost caused me to postpone/stop our marriage a couple of years ago) is that the sex is pretty meh, when it happens at all.

There's the issues that I bring to the table: Because of my BPD (and other history/issues), I tend to disassociate during sex, which means I end up basically losing all of the feeling in my penis.  This makes regular sex all but impossible, since Mr. Willy turns into Mr.  "Oh no he won't."  

However, I still have a fairly high sex drive, which ends up with me watching porn, which leads to masturbation, which leads back to further problems having sex (if that's even on the table).  All in all, very frustrating for me, and has been an issue with all of my partners in the past, but we've always made it work.  I've got a tongue, I've got dexterous fingers, and I've got a pretty good understanding of the female anatomy.

Then there's what my wife brings to the table.  Her sex drive is all but non-existent.  Even relatively early in our relationship, we'd have periods where sex wouldn't happen for a month or longer.  And when it does happen, there's a very narrrow window of whats "allowed" (basically, missionary if we're going PIV, or a blow job/her licking me while I jerk off if my issues make regular sex a no-go), and some pretty intense oral/manual for her if she's interested.  ANYTHING outside of that and it's off.  

She doesn't initiate, doesn't really know how to do anything sexually (taking charge, contributing) which wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that she doesn't seem to want to work on it.  Not knowing what to do is natural, but the only way to work on it is to try stupid stuff, fail, we'll laugh about it later while we're cuddling, then try again.

I understand not sharing my kinks.  They're not that crazy, but they're also not "vanilla":  I enjoy anal sex (giving, and yes, I know how to do it right, none of my previous partners had had anal sex before me, and all ended up trying it.  For some it wasn't their cup of tea, but I also knew enough not to make it OMG IT HURTS), I'd like to film ourselves (I'd never show anyone, I still have stuff of my ex wife, and no one has ever seen it.  If I can get through that divorce and not go all revenge porn, I feel pretty safe in saying that it'll never get shown), and I enjoy watching my partner masturbate.  None of those are acceptable to my wife.  Whatever, it's her body, so I'll deal.


I've been getting more and more frustrated because sex is a big stress relief for me, and I've been going through some shit times.  Since I'm trying to cut down on the problem areas right now, I even stopped watching porn, hoping it would at least let us have some regular sex at some point.  

Enter this morning.  She said she wasn't interested in doing stuff, but would give me a blowjob.  Ok, I'm not going to complain about that.  We'd talked recently about being more open to trying stuff, and we agreed nothing would go in her ass, but it was ok for me to get in that general area with my hands.  Which I did.  I enjoyed myself a little more than usual, awesome.  She then tells me afterwards that's never going to happen again, she felt like crying when it was happening, etc etc etc.  So yeah, I feel like a complete asshole.

Here's the problem though.  I can get if you have a "no-go" area.  Especially if there was  a history of rape/sexual abuse, I DEFINITELY would get that (not applicable in this situation).  But the no-go area CAN'T BE EVERYTHING.  ESPECIALLY if you're refusing to try and work on stuff.  Ah, I think a little more background is in order here.  

Re-reading this, it's probably the more relevant stuff.  It's where I see her behavior going that has me so upset, I think.

So wife's mom was an agorophobic for a while recently.  For about two years, she just stopped leaving the house, and basically stopped leaving her chair.  She even missed out on seeing her only daughter on her birthday because my wife made it clear she refused to come to the house, she just wanted her mom to leave the house for her birthday.  We went over for mother's day, and ate in the dining room while she sat in her chair refusing join us.  My father in law had a heart attack shortly after, and she went to the hospital to visit him, but then went back to her chair.  Father in law even ended up having to do all the work in the house because she wouldn't leave the chair (6 mos or so after his heart attack).  Which was "whatever" until mother in law confided in us "I actually could do more, I just like having him help out around the house"  Keep in mind, he was always the breadwinner, and she was stay at home mom (even after their only daughter left the house, he'd go to work, she'd stay at home).  Sigh, but I'm digressing here.

Long story short, Mother in law has a long history of being incredibly avoidant and manipulative to get her way.  She'll throw anyone under the bus, and no guilt trip is too far to avoid dealing with her issues.  And I'm seeing my wife go down that exact same path, and I'm not having it.  One of the biggest knock down, drag out fights we've ever had is what it took to get my wife to see a therapist.  It lasted a few months, because my wife would always "forget" that she had anything to talk about.  Nevermind that her father had just died, her husband is an alcoholic, she's struggling with work, her mom was struggling with agoraphobia, etc etc etc.  Every week she'd apparenlty say "yeah, nothing really new here" (this is what she told me).  Eventually she just stopped seeing the therapist because "it wasn't doing anything, and it's costing money."

One of my hard and fast rules is I don't look at where someone is in relation to their issue, especially if it relates to me/something I can help with.  I look at their effort.  My wife is saying she's trying really hard but it's almost like she's deliberately trying everything that she KNOWS won't work, while refusing to do any of the things she thinks will, just so she can say "look at the effort I'm putting in."

And I'm fucking losing it.  I don't need this shit right now.  The voices in my head are screaming to just walk out that door, and never return.  I sat there for 30 minutes not two weeks ago, staring at my glock knowing how easy it would be to just get some extra iron in my diet and fix all my problems.  But I know better.  I'm not going to leave, I'm not going to off myself, and I'm not going to give up.

But that doesn't stop the rage, doesn't stop the hurt, doesn't stop the... "I'm busting my ass for everyone else, all I'm looking is for someone to help ME" that's causing me to fucking lose it.

I just don't know.  Advice is appreciated, but I think I just needed to vent.