Me and my brother's birthdays are a day apart and he is one year older than me. Our birthdays was last week. My brother just got a birthday card in the post, whishing a happy birthday etc.with  £100. I did not, I got a folded up piece of paper in my brothers card saying sorry they didn't have any cards at the moment and £30. And on top of that they didn't even get my age right. I know its just little things, and I am very grateful that they sent me the money, but these things add up.

At first I was a little pissed off but also found it a little bit funny and just something that comes with having relatives that you dont see all that often. 

I went to my mum thinking that she would understand why I was annoyed but I was also joking about it. also had other news about how despite my social anxiety I had stepped out if my comfort zone and run for a society committee at my uni and I'd just found out today I got the role. This was a really big thing for me because as little as a year ago i wouldn't leave the house for months on end (and this was before the pandemic).

Instead I was told that I'm ungrateful and that they didn't need to send me anything, and she didn't know why I could possible be upset. But she knows that my relationship with my brother has been a major source of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. I was constantly compared to my brother throughout school, he was a great student, teachers would always tell me to go to him for help yet he is one of the most unapproachable people when at home and treated me like I was the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. Yet I still look up to him and want to be like him for some stupid fucking reason. 

My mum knows all this, we went to family therapy it was such an issue. But she just tells me I need to stop with the sibling rivalry yet thats how we were raised. Our whole childhood we were put against each other to see who would do better on tests. Yes people compared us and theres always some sibling rivalry but that was all started at home. 

Maybe I am being ungrateful and selfish but it just brought back all the feelings of being forgotten by everyone and how he is always gonna achieve things first. They least they could have done is write both our names on the envelope. And it's not like things like this hasn't happened before. 

For example another aunt of mine does these photo books for every cousin (theres nearly 20 of us) on their 18th birthday of photos of them with family growing up. When my brother got his, on the final page there was a big family photo and then a zoomed in picture of just him. My 18th comes around, I get a photo book like everyone else. And then on the final page theres the big family photo, which makes sense its only a year later there hadn't been a big family photo since we hadn't had a family get together since his 18th and the picture was only two years old at this point. And next to that picture was a zoomed in picture except it wasn't of me, it was of my brother so they had just reused any of the pictures that we were both in throughout the book. And another it's a stupid thing to get upset by but it just fucking hurts. 


Or theres the fact that loads of family turned up for my brothers 18th and brought him presents but some didn't turn up to mine. Which is fair people have lives they are busy, but they didn't even bother to send a card. Especially when the family makes a big thing of a persons 18th. But i suppose just not mine.

Sorry for the rant, it's just been a real punch in the gut with feelings and thoughts that I thought I had gotten over since we started different degrees and were going on different paths in life.