I been struggling with an drinking problem for ten years, I am 30 and it seem I can't stop it from ruining my life longer then 6 months. I am ready to give up,my family can't be there for me or not. I greif the death of my sister alone for almost 3 years now and it really seem to deeply effect me. On account of that I am hopeless in love with a married woman who I know is seeing alot of of other people and that kills me, she dosen't want to be with me i know others have alot of offer and unless i can give up drinking i will give her pain like everyone else. I tried everything to move on from her cause it now been 5 or 6 years since we stop talking I see her every once in a while and man the love only grows stronger that i have for her. I found my only support was friends using crack and meth to deal with just coping. Had no luck with dating so i fucked a prostuite and went down a spirial trying replace crack and cocaine instead of drinking and it didn't help.  I am starting to have sucidal and homiecidal thoughts because life has really thrown some shit my way. And i am tired of people stealing from me or always trying get over on me or throwing they sell drugs in my face. I feel everyone gave up on me and most of all myself. I doubt if it because I am not living a life focus on selling drugs anymore and robbing people no one wants me around I just can't be that person anymore.  Everytime I drink the black outs are worst, I really want to stop feeling alone and I been wishing for help but I am not sure anyone can. I am really thinking about ending it all but i don't want a painfully way. I been thinking about just shooting myself but i am scared what happens if I live through the attempt or shooting someone for revenge . I feel I need help but the churches , mos, aa, nothing works unless I am around this married woman, that seems to be my main deisre not to drink but i know she so done with me and i need to move on and admiting that too myself really pushed my drinking over the edge, in this dark world and hard life she was the person I wanted to make the most proud by changing. I been waiting to do it for myself also and knowing I have to do with myself makes it's hard that me and her could never be together or will be together again and it made me want to go bad. But seeing 10 years of me struggling to stop drinking lead to me getting fired an extermely alot, ending up in jail, or becoming homeless. I feel if i disappeared and went bad I will have my family approval