I really don’t know how to cope with this. I know it’s really dumb and I’d do everything to feel better, but nothing seems to be helping.
My boyfriend left for vacation for a week. It’s the first time since we’re together that we have to spend such a “long” time away from each other, it’s hard for me since I am scared of being alone (not only that I always feel like I’m in danger, but I also feel lonely and like I’m being left alone with me and my thoughts). 
I already tried meeting friends, watching youtube to make time pass more fast, smoking weed, I’m trying not to take my benzodiazepines because I tend to get addicted fast.
I miss him more than I should and it’s just not fair that he’s living his best life and only missing me like a healthy person does while I’m at my worst. Of course I’m glad that he’s happy, but it’s still a lot of pain for me to go through this. 
And to be honest, I don’t see myself existing in a week anymore. I’m not planning anything and I’ll try to take care of myself, but for me there’s just nothing. First of all because I want to end this pain, but also because I just hate myself and don’t want to be in peoples lives anymore. I wouldn’t say that I’m a bad person, but the amount of goodness is just not worth it comparing to how much of a burden I am.
If I get through this week, I am not sure about us as well. I love my boyfriend unconditionally and I know that there is no one better than him, but I won’t be able to go through this ever again. I prefer to suffer now for a while instead of when we have to be physically distant again. And it’s hard to talk to him about this since he would be willing to give up his whole life for me, but that’s not what I want. I don’t want to suppress him.
I feel like there’s no one to talk to and I was even thinking of admitting myself to mental hospital.  

I know that breaking up with him would break him (I’ve been friends with him when his ex broke up, I don’t want him to suffer as much as he did back then), but what if this was the only way for me to feel better? 
Maybe ending my whole life would be better because at least I would just be gone and wouldn’t have to deal with anything at all. 

Can someone please help me? I don’t know what to do. I also don’t know what I need right now.