When I stop resisting the self-destructive thoughts and actions, I get very depressed. It's an hours long trance of sadness, anger, emptiness and suicidal ideation.

The belief or assumption that is unconsciously operating here is that it would be hopeless to try. That I have no power to make anything better. This is black and white thinking. So, I've wasted most of the day today, but I'm going to prove that I can do just one thing to make my life better in a way I like.

It's about hope. I'm going to imagine a better future and believe I can get there. Because my mind is automatically ruminating on hopelessness, which helps create hopelessness,   
as if it is a certainty I'll kill myself. So instead I'll ruminate on my hope, to create hope.