she was the only one last year who was down for anything and who brought out the fun/adventurous side of me – dancing, drinking, arcading, geocaching, beaching … the warm weather is coming around again this year and all I want to do is cry. all I ~have been doing for months is crying.

I hate that we both fucked things up
I hate that she won’t reach out or respond to me
I hate that I still care about her and her well-being
… but, I don’t hate her

and I can’t, for the life of me, understand why the only person who she admitted was good for her (me) is the only person she doesn’t allow back into her life. meanwhile, nearly every person who hurt her and was awful to her – one even borderline abusive – was forgiven/taken back

does she not think she deserves better?
all I tried to do was show her that she’s worthy of being cared for in a healthy manner. I wasn’t perfect and I certainly acted in ways I’m not proud of when things crashed and burned, but god damnit, I miss her.