[TW: Brief mentions of sexual assault and rape]

I genuinely cannot tell whether I’m overly sensitive or am just a magnet for shitty people. 

Like, almost every boy I met in high school sexually assaulted me. Girls spread rumors that I was a slut. Adult men assaulted me as a minor. Random people I sat next to on the bus would assault me. I met a girl in college who got me high and assaulted me while telling me that my boyfriend sucked. I confided about this to my friend, and she turns around and cuts me off and dates the girl who assaulted me. I tell my friends why I’m mad at that friend, and they tell me I’m making it up. I get a new boyfriend and all my high school friends stop talking to me because they don’t like him since they preferred my ex. My ex would tell me not to see male doctors because he was worried they’d see me naked, but they forgive him and tell me I’m abusive for breaking up with him. I meet up with a guy for a party for the first time ever and the guy I meet rapes me. I call a friend asking them to pick me up from the hospital after my rape, and she spends the whole time trying to tell the hospital staff that I need to leave my “abusive” boyfriend instead of worrying about the rape. My ex tells my friends private sexual information about me, then they turn around and laugh at me for that information instead of wondering why he’s saying any of it. I distance myself from a girl I used to date because I’m tired of her belittling me, but she messages me out of the blue just to ask how to deal with someone who is “wrong and too stubborn to admit it” because she thinks I’d “know all about that.”

And the saddest part is? Anytime I cut someone off, I realize I was one thousand times happier taking their cruelty than I am alone. People always say “oh, they’re not your real friends,” but  this happens with literally every person I get close to. Like, dozens of people, not just one or two. It happened all throughout my childhood from the third grade forward, and it continues even now.

Who the hell is out here making real friends? Do “normal” people just tolerate people acting like this? What the fuck is wrong with me?