(TRIGGER WARNING)

I'm(F18) in such a bad place now. I feel physically sick at the thought of myself. I want to grab scissors and cut fat off. Im not fat. But IDFJSJSIDJR
I have a wonderful boyfriend. He has autism yet he puts so much effort into understanding me. He loves me unconditionally despite my dissorder and i dint know what i would do without him. 

Unfortunately he is still an 18 year old boy.. and only found out 2 weeks ago that instagram models bodies arent real..
I physically and mentally cannot cope with him finding others hot. I cannot hold myself together that he thought those girls naturally look like that. 
How can i feel good enough if that was "normal" to him. He says im perfect to him but logically im not if he thought those ideal women were real. 

A few months back he said i was less oretty because of my scars. 
I want to starve myself but i end up binge eating to fill this void. I want to throw up but i cant because i took my meds. I feel so trapped and disgusting.

I cant stop visualising defiguring myself. I want to grab a knife and slit my intestines out. Gouge my eyes out and rip my face to pieces.
 I dont even know where this is going