Let me be clear this is NOT a suicide note, and i am NOT suicidal anymore. 

This is going to be all over the place. I’m just letting my thoughts run. 

But recently i haven’t felt like myself, im a 20 m.  I don’t know who i am anymore, i feel like i’ve been lying to myself about who i am. Second year in college and as everyday goes on i regret letting depression ruin so many years of my life. The thing is, I don’t want to die anymore. I let it control me through middle school, highschool and first year of college. I have no friends, haven’t had friends since middle school, i’ve had a girlfriend every so often but i have commitment issues that i can’t get over just yet. I am very lonely, i don’t even know how to make friends anymore. I feel exhausted trying to keep a friend or try and make them. I still get those days where i can’t get out of bed but Anyways…

Last year my liver started to fail, i was in the hospital for a bit. It was bad enough that the doctors &amp; nurses expressed to my parents they were worried about me because i wasn’t getting better with all the treatments that they were giving me. I remember having a panic attack in the hospital room begging myself to not let myself die. That’s when i realized i did not want to die, at least not that way. 

But the thought of dying and finally resting still excites me. It excites me the same way when i get concert tickets to my favorite band and waiting up until the show. Something about it just sounds peaceful to me. I wish death didn’t excite me this much, but i really don’t know. I guess i’m going to keep distracting myself with school work until i figure it out. At least it’s almost spring though haha.