I am forced to live with him. I will be forced to depend on him financially for years to come. And leaving him will be tough. So will be going non contact. Culture plays a huge role in this too. I don't even know if I will ever be able to leave that sick monster behind. 


He is why I am who I am to begin with. A 21 yr old who is at her happiest and best when not sober. Can't sustain a relationship.  Ends up hurting every person she tries to love. Thoroughly misunderstood and abused and fucked up in the head. This is not fun. I have attempted to kill myself so many times. I self harm, and I find it very embarrassing. A woman in her 20s self harming. My childhood, teenage, school life, friends, everything was systematically,  calculatively, deliberately ruined by him. 



And now others tell me to forget my past. Simply forget it. Un-traumatise and un-abuse myself, just forget what was done to me for 2 whole decades. Support ? Nobody even acknowledges it. I never talk about it, because when I did, they invalidated how I felt, my suffering, reduce it to "oh everyone goes through that". No everyone does. My roomie who has been with her boyfriend happily for 3 years and looks forward to vacations so that she can meet her family sure doesn't. The girls around me have nothing but nice to say about their families. Guess what ? They too fight over the phone, and irl I am sure. They too have issued with their parents. But there's a difference. Between the problems that occur in a normal family, and what happened in mine, and how thoroughly they try to convince me that THIS is normal. 


I think it's very unfair. And I don't think it happened for any reason. I don't expect to be some sexy star with a tragic past someday. I will have to trudge through life. Suffer everything doubly. I will probably lose many loved ones. As I already have. Because I am sick and that's what I do to people. And THEY made me sick. They made me who I am today. Now they blame me, walk on eggshells around me. I am the monster now. They like to pretend I was just born this way. They have nothing to do with it. All they ever did was love me. Sure. 


I wish I weren't born here. Cultural restrictions make things so unnecessarily tough. I wish I could leave. I can only hope one day I will be able to leave. Not have to receive their fucking calls. I don't want them. I don't want to share my misery or achievements with them. I missed out on something so important to me. Something I wish I had got to experience desperately.  I watch my best friend lovingly talk of her father and I wish so bad it were me. I am tired of idolising and falling in love with every single old male authority figure I come across. I am so ridiculous,  a complete joke. 


I hope he dies. Actually no, I hope he lives long. I hope his days are filled with loneliness to the brim. I hope he realises what he did. I hope they realize what they did someday. And I hope I will get far away from them asap. I would like to have sincere friends and a loving partner and money to pay my bills and a nice place to live. Somewhere far away from my home. I hope I will be able to be at peace with myself and my life and absences and losses someday. And I hope I will never ever have to come back here.