I can’t come to terms with all of the traumatic experiences caused by my untreated BPD.

I was undiagnosed for a long time, and for years my life and everything about me was so deeply terrifying to me.

Luckily, I was eventually diagnosed and have been in psychotherapy for about 1.5 years. I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD. I am largely at peace with my childhood trauma and have a good handle on most of my symptoms (some better than others).

The one thing I am really really struggling with is coming to terms with those years in my late teens and early 20s when I was in a terrible place mentally but couldn’t get help. I get flashbacks of the things I put myself through, how scared I was of myself, how desperate I was, and the horrible things I did to myself and others. When I think about it I can feel the fear and desperation in my stomach and I can’t take it.

Has anyone else experienced trauma like this from their BPD symptoms? Has anyone been able to move past it?