I've been clinically depressed and anxious for as long as I can remember (literally). I've tried almost everything: medication, CBT, DBT, group therapy, counseling, at-home rehabilitation after a severe mental breakdown, changing my lifestyle/diet, changing my appearance, getting an official ESA, avoiding alcohol, using alcohol to cope, distractions, meditation, journaling, new hobbies, self-help books, self-harm, etc. Aside from hospitalization, you name it, I've probably tried some form of it. The simple fact is that nothing makes me happy, not really. I feel happiness from time to time, but my definition of "happy" is temporary relief from suicidal thoughts. It's no way to live. I see every morning as a chore that I just can't do anymore. I can't even fall asleep unless I'm on something or I'm literally passing out from exhaustion, and doctor's haven't recommended any other alternatives. I have no friends. Zero. I either pushed them all away or they left me for one reason or another. I have a bf, but things are rocky and my parents (the only stable people in my life) are constantly begging me to leave him. My dog becomes depressed when she's with me because no matter how hard I try, it's never enough and I know that. I'm intelligent, sure, but I'm so burnt out and hopeless that I just can't seem to do anything. I'm struggling with two chronic physical illness as well as my two chronic mental illnesses, and everyone just tells me to look on the bright side of life while my doctors are telling me that I'll never get better and I just have to find a way to cope with that. I know there are others with lives much worse than mine, but that's no comfort to me at all. It just reminds me of how fucked up the world is and it adds to the hopelessness that I feel. I've tried suicide hotlines more times than I can count and they're the biggest scam. IF you ever manage to actually reach a person,  they just read off a script to you or repeat back everything you've said. I hate life. I hate it. I just want to die. I see no end to this tunnel and I can't take it. I'm at a point right now where I have no one I can safely reach out to, ever. I just want it all to stop.