This has been on the back of my mind every day since i first thought it. A huge thing happened between me and a girl and we broke up, we both spiraled into dark places...but she is on a whole nother level. Sometimes she cant get up off of bed. Sometimes she doesnt eat anything but coffee the entire day. And since i started talking with her again i have this nagging feeling that i am not depressed, that i am not with anxiety, look at what shes passing and i caused that, and im feeling like im not enough, not even enough to be depressed, i wake up every day and go to school and i dont...i dont question it. My mind doesnt wonder during morning, i dont feel the need to be on the bed the entire day - in fact, i physically cannot do that, ive tried. I just want to be able to be sad, to actually cry because im sad and not because im angry, and i feel the sadness it just doesnt come out and i make jokes as the title. 

I think i wanted to be that depressed. I dont know why. Its just there, and its getting worse, everything is, even if im taking my medicines. Its my first year on meds and as the year goes i actually just get worse, i feel that

Ive posted before, one person helped me with a lot of stuff, but it also didnt go away, its piling up and the thing that i most hate about it is that i am still doing things. Getting happy. Smiling. I simply cant deny to smile, and i smile big amd laugh hard, like loud, and i know its because i wanna get people to see im happy there. I hate this. 

What am i even feeling anymore