First of all I hope it’s ok to post this. I need to get it out somewhere, and here seems to be a good place. The actual BPD subreddit is not allowing posts on the topic of Amber Heard means I can’t vent this there. 

I am not diagnosed with BPD officially.
But I am certain I could be. Especially when talking to the various therapists I’ve had over the years. I also have other Mh issues that overlap. I am also Autistic. 

So this trial is causing me so much distress and making it hard for me to reach out. Because I think it’s inadvertently demonising bpd.
It’s incredibly upsetting to see the vast majority now associate this condition with manipulation with intent. Rather than the debilitating, uncontrollable and scary condition it is for most of us. 

Also the association with violence has now been made too. Like many with bpd I internalise my issues. I can lash out with words, but often in the end physical harm is only ever to myself. Commonly self harm, but also my past eating disorder. 

I have NEVER harmed anyone psychically.  I feel guilty if I accidentally kill a bug, and have been vegan for over a decade because the thought of inadvertently harming anything upsets me. 

How my bpd often manifests is a paranoia that I internalise, out of fear that if I open up to others I will be mocked as manipulative or I will scare them away. So I keep it all in. Sometimes it comes out because it gets too much. To others this seems like a argument out of nowhere. But to me it’s frustration, much genuine, that has built up over a large space of time. 
These arguments can be longish. Maybe an hour, and then I hide away and isolate. I’ll cut all contact with anyone I know and beat myself up for what can be weeks at a time. 

For this reason most in my life won’t even know anything is wrong. After 25 years of this I’m good at hiding how I feel. So all my friends or extended  family see is me disappear for a few weeks, maybe a month, at a time. 

My parents get the arguments, but again it’s seems random to them. Plus my parents are… well let’s say they don’t help matters. But that’s a whole another thing. 

A lot of the comments on this trial have made it hard to remain thinking I’m a valid compassionate person. They are enabling the parts of me that dismiss me as a manipulative selfish monster. Along with other struggles over the last year it can get too much, and cause Suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts to resurface. 

If you read all this thank you, I don’t expect anyone too. I wish I could post this somewhere more public for lots to see, but I’m too scared too. 

This is more about me hoping to find some support x