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&amp;#x200B;

  

Intro:

This is my personal story of having a reltionships with a person with treated quite BPD. 

Backstory

I am 33 and she is 34 years old. We went to college together for a few years almost 16 years ago. She always had a crush on me, but was always quite and shy. We met up a few times back then, made out. Never really came from it. My head was not straight at that time because i was still mourning the loss of my father who passed away that year. 

I am working as a caretaker for severely handicapped people for allmost 3 years. A sector tht was understaffed to begin wit hand when Corona hit, tje job became even more demanding and stressfull. 

I live in a residential complex with studio’s, with drug users and alcoholics. But because of my character and willingness to always help someone out i am respected as a natural leader. 

One day in the spring of 2020 i got home from work and my roommates were sitting in the garden, drinking, smoking, using whatever. I poored a glass of wine and joined them. I hear a roommate of mine come home with his new girlfriend, and hear a voice very familier. It was that girl from college, now a woman. 

So i greeted her and she was in shocked “HOLY SHIT IS THAT REALLY YOU?”. Nice to see you again, i replied. Then they all went inside and had a drink or whatever. A hour later or so she went sit in the garden to light up a joint. I decided to go and sit next to her and make some small talk. I asked if i could put her purse, which was on the bench, next to me. To which she replied, i dont know, i don’t know you. Kinda irritated i said “We went to college together, we dated”. “i know who you are, i don’t know you”. I was annoyed how different she was, she was shy back then but also very sweet, adorable even. Now she has a new “sassy” personality with alot of “smart” remarks on the level of “i know you are but, what am i”.

So i was like, yeah… Have a good night, been nice speaking with you. She then went back in with the friends she was here with. 

Half a hour later a drugged up guy comes around looking for a roommate of mine. From my education and experience i could tell he was in a drug fueled psychosis. I was able to talk him down and he was just about to leave when she came out, totally oblivous tot he situation and started to chit chat with the guy. Annoyed i said not to get involved, she took that as a insult. The guy then just lef tand i kinda fell out to her, partly because i was annoyed with her but also because i was stressed because of the drugged up guy. And always having to fix things around the place.  She left, i felt guilty. And thought i would never see her again.

A month later its my birthday, i had to work that day but my roommates got the party started. I Bought stuff for a barbecue and such.  When i got home from work i was amazed, and kinda happy that she decided to crash the party. She brought me a gift and congratulated me. I said i thought that was very sweet and thoughtfull and that i was happy she came. So i started socializing a bit when i sat down to her. She then said “hey, ive never seen your studio”. So we went inside and i showed her, and then we ended up having some great sex. We were dating shortly after.

Honeymoon phase

I have never felt more desired by a woman in my life. I recieved compliments and validation on a level i never experienced in my life. That felt great for the first few weeks, then i worried a bit she was putting me up a pedastal too much and told her to be carefull not to put unrealistic expectations on me, i mean im just guy with flaws like everyone else. (idealisation).

But everything was great, we went tot he beach all the time, adored one another, she always made an effort to look sexy and beautifull, we laughed and shared so much. It was an amazing time in my life.  

After getting to know her i found out she never finished her education, and has been assisted financially from the goverment ever since she was 18. Has been commited to mental health insitutions for suicide attempts, eating disorders, BPD and depression. 

I felt and still feel so much sympathy for her past. I could tell from being in her apartment that she diddent have alot of money. And i wanted to make everything better. I know what it was like to be poor for many years. I wanted her to have better shoes, good clothes, nice jewelry, good sound system. Make her good food every day, have steaks. Give her all the things she had to miss out on because there was no money. I provided for all of that. An dam happy i did. 

She  told me that she was so happy to finally find a “good guy” since all her exes turned out to be pervs, abusers, stalkers or just untrustworthy. I found it very strange and unlikely that every ex turned out tob e evil or a simp. But i thought to myself “everyone has the right to be a little fucked up”.

But then devaluation and mood swings started to make cracks in the relationships. 

A coworker of mine, 23 years old got pregnant and then her boyfriend left her right after. We always were friendly with each other and i wanted to show my support. So we called and texted alot. I got accused for caring more about my coworker then i did about her.

We kinda talked that out and i was going to meet up the co worker for a drink. After i was suppose to join my ex gf at a party of a friend of hers. I really diddent want to go, that friend smoked and sells alot of weed and was celibrating his sons 1 birthday. With people smoking weed and drinking hard liqour. Usually when the party is over they head into the city, so i thought, i will just hang here with my co worker and about 11pm hook up with the crowd in the city. I really diddent want to go to a birthday party of a 1 year old where people are doing drugs. 

Well, big mistake. 

I heard so many strange accusations, i tried to honestly explain my position but she was so inraged. I heard so many strange allegations that i thought to myself (what are talking about, is this even out us)? 

I left angry and in panic. I walked around all night and morning, my heart racing. I couldent sit, i had so much negative energy inside. 

Because of that fight and having the worst of the pandemic strike at my job i got burned out, for a bout two weeks. 

Few weeks later we were back together, and in november i asked her if she wanted me to move in. Since i was always there to begin with. I also really wanted to get out of my own living environment. That was very stupid of me to try and move things so fast.  

When she agreed and i spend more time at her appartment things changed, she changed. She would sleep in every day till noon, diddent shower, wore a bathrobe all day. Diddent put on make up any more. She would have more and more ferquent moodswings, gaslighting, picking fights over the smallest of things. Shit testing my suddenly and insessively. 

I put down clear boundries then and made agreements. 

1. If there is really something wrong we can always talk about it. But we will speak as adults and with respect. 

2. If she is in a bad mood i am not going to respond to accusations. She will go into her safe space “her bedroom” i will not make contact untill she feels like she is more calm. 

And that worked, for a time. But then it became more and more irratic. The less i responded tot he shittests and gaslighting the more angry she got and really made effort to pick fights. When that diddent work i got the silent treatment. I thought, this is going nowere, im leaving. So packed up, again and left. After a few days she calls me up crying, her best friend commited suicide. Ofcourse i came running and took care of her for a next few days. And for some reason, i ended up living there again.  But it always felt like one step forward, three steps back. 

December was also pretty great, i still have some lovely photos of us putting up the christmas tree, getting our first mail to wish us marry christmas. Cooking christmas dinner for her whole family. She dressing up as a christmas fairy. 

Then on 31 december, i got home with alot of drinks, snacks. We were hosting a new year party. She had some requests fort he celebration. I worked in the service industry so i am used to organizing events, and wanted to show what i could do. I got home from work and the entire house is a mess, kitchen dirty, she still not dressed, smoking a joint on the balcony. I was pissed because i was buying everything and doing all the work fort he evening and it felt like she just diddent consider helping out. Or at least clean the house and kitchen for when i have to prepare and set up everything. 

But i tried to put that negative emotion in the backburner. So i made the snacks, organized buffet tables etc, etc. So all finished i asked her, what time and how many people are comming. I dunno she replied, “people just show up”. “so how am i suppose to know when to put the ribs in the oven and prepare everything”? “i dont know, this was all your idea”. I was speachless… It was at that moment i felt “this woman is never going to be a supportive partnet as an equal”. I said iw as disapointed that we couldent work together on this. And, that made her pretty much ignore me for the rest of the night. 

Still i was believing things could we worked out, and moving in together was still a good idea. I just had to paint my old place, take care of her every need, work double shifts, train new co-workers, organize dinner parties for her and her family, work out everything with my landlord, her landlord, bring her sister tot he dokter appointments, train her cousin in the Gym. Help babysit her cousin. 

At this point i really started to lose myself, diddent take care of myself, started drinking more and started abusing Amfetamines. I just couldent fucking do it all anymore. But i am strongheaded and whatever task i get in my head will be completed. And completely lose myself in the progress sometimes. 

She caught me doing it one day. Again, proof for her am just like one of those bad guys. I was so fed up with giving her everything i had to offer and still having my character attacked every other day, or her moods where she would just be silent and depressed the entire day. I snapped and yelled, “its my body, and if i have to do this to make it through the difficult time, it is none or your business. I do enough for you, i always do everything you and your family needs of me. BACK THE FUDGE OFF!!!”

Silent treatment, for days, disapears for hours, wont tekst back, wont pick up the phone. She showers suddenly before going out, puts more effort into her apereance. Change the combination of her phone. Spends more time on her phone, puts the phone away when i come close. Yeah… I am not dumb. I tried confronting her about this a couple of times, but she would just go to her bedroom, tells me i am not allowed to come in. Finally i break this rule and want to have this confrontation. She yells that i need to fudge off and tried slamming the door into me. I push back one time with enough force for her to fall on her ass. She threatens to call the police. I said, do it. But she didden’t. 

After a week or so I finally said “look, this is going nowhere fast. Maybe it is best if we have a break, things moved too fast and that i mostly my fault. Just give me a few days to buy a bed again and ill move back. But please, don’t threaten to call the police again, that is a position of power you have over me, please dont abuse that”. She smirked and said happily, “yeah, i know!”. I felt as if i was punched in the gut, with a tank. 

Next day i am on my best behavior. Cooked some great steak. She downs a bottle of wine in 20 mins. Insults me over having broken a glass while cooking. Makes a nasty remark, then goes into her bedroom. The trap was set.. I angrily again open the door, stand in the doorway to confront her about her insults. She tries to push me out again, i push back. She falls with her back into the cabinet. She gets up and strikes me in my neck and face. I grab her wrists and sit her ass down on the bed. With a primal furious voice i yell “I WILL PACK MY STUFF AND GO”. I let go of her hands. And then fort he first time i hear fear in her voice as she calls out for her mom. My heart sinks, the first time i hear fear in her voice, and it is because of me….. I felt so terrible and guilty. Police is called, i book a hotel. She blocks me on everything. My brother gets my stuff after a few days. 

I trow that Amfetamines down the toilet and get my drinking under control within 2 weeks. Got new clothes, haircut, started running again, picked up a hobby. 

I really want to see her again, to at least apoligise and to see if we cant part ways with more respect then this. But now i am, as all her exes, one of the bad ones. 

Since the last few weeks i have been studying the condition that is BPD. And now i see so many mistakes i made. I know our relationship is over forever. But it just breaks my heart it had to end like this. That she will forever see me as the guy who would finally give her happiness and stability. But ultimately hurt her and disapointed her so terribly.