I’m a college student and my long term, very serious boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago because of my abusive behavior. I was undiagnosed and didn’t even know about BPD through our relationship. The breakup was sudden. There was no build up, just him recognizing that he needed to escape. We’d lived together since starting school and now I’m suddenly living alone for the first time. My only other friend broke up with me at the same time, inspired by my boyfriend’s courage. I lost my job because I worked for his mom. I was encouraged to move in with my abusive mother so that I wasn’t on the streets, but I couldn’t handle it. I was homeless for a couple of days before finding a temporary place to stay, which I’m very grateful for.

I have an episode almost every day and I have to go in public during these episodes so that I don’t hurt myself. I feel and act psychotic. Drunk, even. I walk around town crying and just being generally reckless. I don’t want to make a scene, and when I’m not having an episode I’m very reserved and respectful of other people in public. It feels so out of my control when I am, though.

I’ve tried making friends and have met a couple of really cool people, but I can no longer allow myself to see them because when I’m apart from them, the loneliness and desire to be with them is so incredibly intense. I can’t afford DBT and there are no health professionals near me who specialize in BPD. I see a therapist covered by my insurance, but she doesn’t really understand. I’ve tried many others, as well. The one ounce of support I have is through Codependents Anonymous, but that doesn’t address the other painful aspects of living with BPD, like the frequent mood swings and intrusive, compulsive, violent thoughts. I considered admitting myself, but the hospital here is known to treat the patients very inhumanely. I’ve heard terrible horror stories.


Does anyone have any advice? Are there any zoom support groups I could attend? It’s been so difficult and painful. I am so lost. If you read all of this, thank you so much.