I do this thing where I meet some one and I start trying to squish myself into their lives rather than allowing both of our lives to co exist. Which results in unmet needs and support in my own life. If some one has a specific schedule, I make sure to be available when they are. Even if it means moving my schedule around. If theres any way I can show support or love for them then I make sure I can do that in whatever way possible. I am sick of doing this. I'm tired of being on stand by even though I am doing it to myself. And then when I need support they aren't there. Or when I need them to rearrange their schedule they can't. I struggle to distract myself when this happens. I could do things but I have zero motivation because I feel so emotionally overwhelmed and that makes me tired. So I sit and over think and get more worked up.
I hate being alone until something upsets me and then I have to be alone so I can diffuse and think things over. Which I feel like makes me look even crazier. I will cancel plans with some one I really wanted to see all because I am upset. So I'm essentially just hurting myself. I try to think how I would feel if they canceled on me. But I know if I'm around them then there's potential for me to say something about how I feel and I don't want to because I feel like my feelings are petty. 
It's exhausting.
I know people have lives and the way I think is unhealthy. But for once I wonder what it feels like to have some one there who is just as eager to support and see me as I feel for others.  