I'm 24. 

I’ve overcome self-injury (age 19). I’ve overcome the screaming that comes with perceived abandonment (age 19). I’ve overcome constant calling, constant texting (age 19-20). I’ve overcome shouting matches and locking myself in my room (age 21). All of these things I’ve completely overcome on my own—through natural maturity/“growing out of it”. Maybe that means I never had BPD in the first place, if I was able to grow out of those behaviors with time. I have never “split”, I have never threatened to hurt or kill myself, I have never been violent. I did experience a traumatic medical event at age 4 that went untreated for fifteen years. It’s possible that a lot of these behaviors are a result of that event, as I understand that many people with BPD have experienced some level of abuse or a traumatic event. 

However.

I love-bomb. I mirror. And I’m terrified that the person I’m with will find someone else and leave me, or will be unfaithful to me. I’ve discovered all these terms on my own by reading threads of people who have spouses or other family members with BPD. Some comments are horrible, and many of them I disagree with. 

By reading the threads on mirroring and love-bombing, I’m able to—from here on out—stop doing that just by recognizing it for what it is. I’ll vow not to love-bomb or mirror any longer. That’s quite easy for me, making it seem as if those behaviors aren’t so deeply ingrained in me as they are in other people. Now that I know what these things are and that they’re traits, I can confidently say I’ll never display them again. 

It’s true that I’m insecure about myself as a person and the way I look. Much of this is due to the fact that I am a mixed-race child of divorce. My parents disliked each other very much following the divorce, and I subconsciously struggled to accept the fact that I was mixed-race and throughout most of my childhood claimed I was European like my mother. Because I am mixed-race, my facial features are unique and noticeable to other people. I have a larger nose and chin, as well as larger “misshapen” ears that stick out. My hair is extremely “frizzy”, and impossible to “tame” without undergoing chemical treatment, which I’ve been doing since early high school. Because my hair is dark, I develop a “mustache” on my upper lip that is very noticeable unless I use Nair to remove it or unless I have it waxed off, both monthly procedures. You can see how this would objectively cause problems to any child. I was teased for my mustache, the width of my nose, and my ears. I was told I looked “better” with chemically treated/straightened hair. All of these things have contributed to my negative self-image that I’ve struggled with my entire life. 

Due to this negative self-image, I am constantly wondering today why people are attracted to me. I often believe it’s a mistake, and that once they get more used to my face, they’ll change their mind. It is also undoubtedly part of the reason why I fear abandonment in relationships—because I spent most of my life believing no one would ever love me or want me romantically, I now have this instinct to hold onto it as much as I can when it happens. Over the years, I’ve gotten a bit better at telling myself that someone will come around again after a breakup. 

But the fear of abandonment still eats away at me, and I suspect it’s much deeper than I think, considering the verbally aggressive divorce I watched my parents go through. I can recall, one time when I was around 3, my mother physically and harshly pulling my body from my father’s arms while they screamed at each other over my head. I was absolutely terrified of my mom leaving me, and wanted to live with her over my father. This was only exacerbated by being put literally in the middle during their divorce. I recall another very vivid event in which I believed my father was going to abandon me, but it is currently too painful to talk about and I won’t discuss it here yet. 

This is getting long, but I’ll say this briefly: in 2017, I was vilified and bullied by an ex-partner’s family for “dragging \[my partner\] down my path”, on the basis that they knew I was taking psychiatric medication and had a history of hospitalization. When their son became depressed due to reasons that had nothing to do with me, I was cornered in a room by all of his immediate family members and verbally berated about my past. From 2016-2017 I had a yearlong period in which I was extremely angry and full of rage, and would slam doors, scream, etc. There is confusion on whether this was a BPD behavior, or if it was my first unleashing of anger at my trauma, which I had disclosed for the first time right before this period of anger. During this intervention with my ex-partner’s family I maintained excellent composure throughout most of it, until his older brother accused me of making my partner mentally ill. I got to my feet and shouted at him, and then was done. It is the last display of serious anger I can recall. 

Anyway, this is long. Thank you for listening. In conclusion, I suppose that part of what I’m trying to say/wondering is if this is truly a case of BPD, or more to do with C-PTSD/PTSD. I understand that many of the symptoms overlap. I also want to clarify that I know no one in the comments will be able to give me a medical answer—it’s just something I’ve been wondering lately. Thanks!