Haven't posted in a while, but I felt I have to share with someone who has the chance to get me and what I am going through.

My life has always even pretty miserable and I am not very good at coping with huge amount, well, all of it. Almost 2 years ago I decided to start making changes in my life hoping that things would get better. Since then I changed two jobs and my current one is amazing- the job itself, the people I'm working with and everything, and it's really well paid and even got promoted in less than a year. Another thing is that I stopped drinking and smoking weed and making edibles, which saves lots of money and I like to think that it's healthy. Also moved out, away from my abusive mother and settled myself in a nice place I could call home.

All these things are things I wanted and thought that would make me happier, but actually they don't. 

What made me happy was my girlfriend. I've never been so heartbroken before, and yet I still find the memories of us together heart-warming and my happiest. But ever since she broke up with me, I can't stop beating myself for screwing things up and crying over it. I just can't stop thinking about how much I love her and how much she means to me.

No matter how much I try to better my life, nothing brings joy when she's not beside me. 

2 weeks ago, I was once again devastatingly sad over her and I yet again ghosted everyone I know after fleeing an even when while fleeing I bumped into my best friend and bursted in tears. 

Since then I'm split between "everything is alright" and "everything is meaningless and I should kill myself". And I ghosted everyone because I can't speak with anyone about this. Whenever things seem bad, people are trying to convince me in something that it's way off of the way I am seeing the world around me and I hate that and makes me even more sad because they don't get me. Spent most of the time crying but couldn't get myself to end things yet. I've never been more sad, yet I can't bring myself to end this agony. I keep telling myself that this is selfish and can't put my closest people through that, especially my best friend, who I'm completely sure, won't get through another close friend taking his life. But maybe I'm just a coward. Always been afraid of acting on my feelings, being telling someone I how I feel about them, how I feel because of someone or ending things once and for all.

In summary, last 7 years have been mostly painful and only one person managed to make me smile and without that, this is not a life worth living.