All my episodes happen (while medicated) from hormonal disturbances. I had a bad reaction to the thyroid medication I was on and it was ramping up towards psychosis. It literally feels like it was march 1st two seconds ago. Lowering the dosage I feel like stopped me from going over the deep end completely and got rid of all the derealization/intense fear/dilated pupils and paranoia stuff, but I still did stupid shit while sleep deprived and delirious I otherwise wouldn't have if I was in my right mind. I am so ashamed and wish I could just disappear and never be perceived one way or another by another human being ever again. Why the fuck don't I understand right from wrong the way I normally would when I'm like this. I just want to hide forever. (Granted I didn't do, like, law and order or svu type shit, to clarify. but. Lots of persecutory regret in my head right now that i don't know what to do with. i don't have a support system besides lithium. so.)