I've been dealing with mostly pretty minor depression for the last few years without treatment. However it has spiraled over the last few months and I'm at the lowest I've ever been. 

I recently moved back in with my parents after a breakup and overall just feeling lost and very alone in life. My parents and siblings are aware how torn up I've been about the breakup and my identity crisis. I knew moving back and being with family wouldn't be the cure but thought it could help. But not a single person has asked me how I am, if I'm doing ok. They just keep asking favors of me since they have busy lives and know I'm currently unemployed. I've honestly been feeling more depressed and alone since I've been back.

I've always been an early morning person but I haven't been able to roll out of bed until 11, and then it's only because I know I have to take care of my dogs. I've lost almost 20 pounds which is a lot for my tiny frame. I weighed more when I was 12 than I do now. I've always been outspoken and funny but now I barely speak, and when I do my voice is very soft, slow, and forced. I almost cry anytime someone asks me a question about myself and you can hear it in my shaky voice. I do randomly cry all the time, in all different situations. Not bawling my eyes out, just tears running down my face, but i often have to put my head down or turn away from people to wipe my tears so they won't notice. I've had uncharacteristically dark circles under my eyes consistently for the last couple months. I used to have a decent amount of friends and be pretty socially active but I've pushed everyone away and sit at home doing nothing all the time. I rarely leave the house anymore. I find joy in nothing. 

It seems so obvious to me that I'm not myself and I don't see how no one else seems to notice. I'm in Atlanta with my family visiting cousins that I love and haven't seen in years and I've barely left to the hotel room to spend time with them. They live in all different countries and it's very rare for us all to be in the same place and I still can't even pull it together. I used to be an avid traveler and never waste time like this sitting in a room. 

I thought even just the simple fact that I moved back to my parents house was an obvious cry for help. I moved out when I was 18 and have always been fiercely independent. I vowed I'd never move back in with them, especially since my relationship with my mom has never been great.

I really feel like I'm drowning in sadness and loneliness and can't go on much longer. I don't see a way out and it's like I'm just painfully existing now so as not to hurt my family. I was doing betterhelp for a bit but it didn't work for me. I have my first in person therapy session on the 19th but it seems so far away and I'm uninsured, so I'm worried about not being able to have enough sessions.