i have wasted my entire high school years studying something i didn't want to do (IT). Reason? i thought i'd get a job easier and i liked using computers. i didn't learn much because i didn't care and of course when i say liked using computer i meant using the internet. University enrolls and what do i do? i pick a subject i am not interested in (Linguistics). Reason? i thought i'd get a job easier and i was good at English. i've wasted more than three years and a fuck ton of my parents' money whom probably should have kicked me out by now. i am now doing media studies. i am 23 and still out of a job. i have zero work experience and anxiety about it.

i don't have any people in my Life i'd consider true deep friends. Of course there are a couple of people i hang out with sometimes, but i don't feel comfortable talking about myself. If i've had a problem, it's unlikely i would turn up to them unlessy asked. They only know part of what i am writing here. Same goes for my parents as i don't feel comfortable sharing too much.

i was always an awkward kid. Always picked on, for some weird behavior i've had or other reasons i don't know or remember maybe. i was always wuite and reserved. i've tried to change things up and make some friends in high school. i've had little success. Years later i have found out that apparentely some of those i thought i was closer to were even talking behind my back. i don't know if that is true obviously.

i've always wanted to have a girlfriend since i was a kid. i am kissless and virgin. i've never had a lot of interaction. Only had a couple of crushes. One i have confessed to but never knew how she felt about it. The other never knew. They were beautiful and among the few ones that have treated me nicely. But i am ugly and awkward and shy and unappealing. Deep down i always knew i've never stood a chance but the desire is too strong i am afraid.

i haven't been able to make any real friends at university because i am too shy.

i don't have any hobbies outside of sitting on my ass on the computer all day and watching some movies or reading stuff on social media.

i am too lazy to shower or dress because let's face it, what is the point?

i went to therapy, yes. It didn't help, no. Yes, i've tried more than once. No, i don't plan on coming back because my parents have spent a fuckton of money on it already among others. Also they're convinced i am doing better so i am not sure if they'd like to hear how everything is going really. i've also been to a pdoc and it didn't help. Meds neither but that's ok, i don't like meds.

i don't have any right to complain because there are people literally dying right now.

i am Sorry for everything.