( TW ) This might be long but I’ll try my best to add a TLDR near the end. To start off I was diagnosed with BPD by multiple specialists since I was about 13~ ( pré diagnosis and then re diagnosed by other psychiatrists once I became an adult ) it’s something I’ve dealt with my whole life and it’s something that’s always been a part of me 

All my life I’ve struggled with my emotions, feeling them too strongly and my only way to feel relief was through self-harm, I’ve been in and out of hospitals / psych wards / therapy for pretty much half of my life 

Recently around 3 years ago or so, it got really bad, i was self-harming every day, having absolute emotional and psychotic breakdowns and a suicide attempt, after ending up in the hospital they told me that I’d be safer in a psych ward, but I begged them to let me go back home because my experience with psych wards have been horrid 

They decided to let me go home with a ‘ warning ‘ basically it was a ‘ get your shit together or we are sending you there no matter what you say ‘ so I did. I forced myself to go to therapy which was horrible, I started taking my meds, after a long time of self reflection and constantly working on my mental health every day I was able to learn how to deal with my BPD, I’ve also been clean for almost 2 years I believe

My biggest issue is how I now deal with my emotions, any time I feel any sort of strong emotion, either happy or negative I just shove in a box and try to ignore it, mostly out of fear that if I do act on my emotions and try to communicate them that it will end badly again, however forcefully blocking my emotions has not been working as well especially when they’re this strong

I’ve gotten to a point where a lot of things I had that I was able to learn to cope with are slowly coming back at me and I’m so afraid of falling back into my ‘ previous ‘ self 

I constantly feel anxious to the point where I feel physically sick, I feel irritated and angry at everything, much more emotional and sensitive, I’ve been having quite a lot of thoughts on relapsing, constant fear of how everyone around me perceives me and a fear of disappointing them because I’m too much or too little 

I’m disappointed in my self, I’ve done so much work to get to where I am, to finally have ‘ stability ‘ but it feels like it’s so easily destroyed and all the hard work I did was for nothing 

I’m so afraid of relapsing, I’m trying hard to stay calm and do I what I did for the past couple of years but it feels like all these bottled up emotions / thoughts are slowly coming out and I don’t want to explode 

TL:DR 

Dealt with BPD and mental illness my whole life, got ‘ better ‘ these past 3 years 

But I feel like my past self is slowly creeping back out at me after bottling up my emotions for so long, terrified of losing it and ending back up at square one ( relapsing / breakdowns / suicide attempts / panic attacks ) especially when i worked so hard to get better