I keep getting blackout drunk (ironically, I enjoy this part), but waking up and not remembering everything and/or remembering some of the very cringe-worthy things I have said/done. 

I just struggled to eat an egg because I am replaying some of my memories of this past weekend in a loop sequence. 

I feel like I am so off-putting when I am drinking and am barely enduring the shame spiral for this present moment. Recently, I got out of a relationship with an angry alcoholic. I was used to alcohol resulting in conflict.. typically it would be him picking a fight. So now I feel like I have this weird social adaptation happening, but it isn't conveyed without my disclosing that. I don't embody the light-hearted, positive person that is typically me. If anything is bothering me, it feels like an ideal time to address it. I become reckless and emotional. Ick.

I don't particularly want to quit drinking because I enjoy it, but I feel like an absolute mess of a person. My meds feel ineffective. Maybe a break is in order. But how do you manage the shame spiral?