Trigger warning, I’m sorry 😞 

After my car accident on Saturday I haven’t been well. PTSD, flashbacks, panic attacks and just an overall sense of malaise. I’m staying with a friend (because my narcissistic parents are pieces of garbage) as my therapist and bf advised so because they are worried I’ll “do something.”

I feel like I have nothing to live for. I want to be put away because if I’m not I’ll find a way to put myself away. My friend drew me a bath tonight to help with my car accident injuries with some epsom salts to try and relax me. I put on some calming meditation music and just laid in silence for awhile attempting to just relax. I haven’t cleaned myself since the hospital. Kind of gross since I still have some dried up blood and ECG nodes stuck on me. When I went to grab a conditioner bottle on the bath shelf, I noticed a razor behind it. I started crying so hard. I couldn’t wash my hair. I was shaking as I stared at it. I had to put the bottle back because I couldn’t look at it anymore. I kept imagining the water running red and needed to get out. I’m so scared.

So much for a relaxing bath. 

Everything is a fucking trigger right now. When I sleep, I wake up in crying fits from the nightmares. When I’m awake, I’m miserable. I feel like I can’t function right now and I just want to be held until I fall asleep to never wake again.