This mother fucker. 

I’ve been on and off with the same man for the last 2 years. And even when we’re off, we’re on. He’s my best friend and my FP and we both depend on each other very much. But it hasn’t always been great, or easy. He’s divorced and has major baggage from it and he went back and forth between his ex wife and me for quite sometime (behind my back of course). When I found out I spiraled out of control and made a lot of dumb decisions. After a few months apart he came back to me and said that being without me made him realize how much he loves me and how we have something special and he doesn’t want to be with anyone else because he never likes being with them as much as he likes being with me. He said he’s been working to become the man who is deserving of my love, and that if we go slow maybe we can work to being together for real. Marriage, a family, a life together. 

Well, I’ve been very open about my PTSD/BPD/ Complex Trauma, and he’s always tried to be understanding and learn why I react the way I do. I’ve been having a series of bad days and I confided in him about the things I did when we were apart. And that’s when he said he couldn’t take it anymore. He said I was too much to deal with and there’s something seriously wrong with me mentally (duh), and that he never wants anything with me. Ever. He then preceded to block my phone number. 

So I went out with a girlfriend to drink the pain away and he shows up at the bar WITH A DATE and INTRODUCES ME TO HER. Merely hours later. I lost it. I started yelling and cussing. I slapped his hat off of his head. I apologized to the date. And then I walked backwards out of the bar with my middle fingers up and I did the “suck it” motion. You know, the one from middle school. (Not one of my finer moments). 

BPD’s biggest fear: Abandonment. BPD’s bigger fear: Abandonment and immediate replacement rubbed right in their face. 

My emotions are so overwhelming right now I don’t even know how to understand or process them. I’ve never felt this way before and it’s scaring me because it’s almost like I’ve completely shut down. The anger and pain inside of me is so large that I feel nothing. I’m numb. And I don’t know how to even begin to heal. 