TW: TALK OF SELF HARM

I'm getting closer and closer to being able to do it. I've written detailed letters. And craved up my arms from wrist to elbow. I never thought I could cut that bad, but I got past one cut, then another, and another.  And then I thought I wouldn't do that again but I did. I'm so frustrated because I don't have any really sharp knives anymore, and I would give anything to be able to feel that relief. It feels so good to finally stop fighting and just give in. But I can't even have that now. But I know any day now. The suffering will end. I hope sooner then later. I'm not going to get to kill myself in the way I would like. I'll suffer to the very end. But then it will end. 

If you're wondering why, father sexually abused me. Siblings believe him over me. My older brother that said he would always love me...well, treats me like shit. He tried his best to love me in the best way he knows how, but we grew apart. That's on him. My mother knows what my father did. She...just told him not to do it again and lies to herself about it. It was easier for her to ignore it. I trust one of my friends. Her life is so wonderful... She could never even begin to understand my struggles. She's a sweet girl, but we are too different. Her fiancee will take care of her. My dearest friend...oh he says he cares. But it seems like he always has more time for the girls he is screwing over me. He was there for me a little after I self harmed, but I don't want him to feel pressured to give me some kindness when he doesn't have too... He says he loves me...and he's only fooling around with those girls because we can't be together. I don't believe him... I don't believe anyone that says they love me, besides for my sweet friend. My boyfriend...my boyfriend is... capable of loving someone very much. My boyfriend will one day love some girl very much or a guy. 

I want to die. I can't wait to die. I've only stuck around because I thought it could be worse on the otherside. But I doubt that.