Note: I'm putting self harm as a flair because I'm talking about self destructive tendencies, but it's not necessarily physical self harm. I just wanted to be safe. 

Hi. I was diagnosed with BPD two years ago, recently somewhat tentatively diagnosed with schizotypal which threw me for a loop. He didn't put bpd anywhere in there but it was only an intake so maybe it'll come back, i firmly believe I still have BPD it's just gotten more into quiet BPD territory with medication.  
 
Even though he didn't put BPD in my file he still had me signed up for DBT because it's where I was supposed to go before covid fucked things up. I started watching videos on bpd. I saw an interview with a woman and I related to her so much although she had been treated much later and thus had been through more. She talked about the ways DBT helped her, she was aware of how she needs to forgive herself etc. I watched this being proud and happy for her, but disgusted by the idea of being her. I'm terrified of being better. I haven't been suicidal in a long time but I'm mad at myself for it, I feel like I'm weak for being happy. I thought I was destined to die before I graduated and now I'm still alive, and while I want to be alive right now, I want to destroy my life so that I have no attachments and thus stop wanting to. I feel like I've failed some path if I get help and get better, the only reason I persevere is because even if I want to self destruct I know the people in my life don't deserve to go through whatever hell I am when I get self destructive. I hate feeling like I failed myself though, I hate feeling like I'm just going to be some normal person that accepts themselves. I can't accept myself, I have to keep myself in check. I recently went through such stress I think I was nearing psychosis by having thought insertions and thought removals and I honestly wanted to just disconnect from reality, if it's not healthy to die then I should just disconnect from reality. I'm almost disappointed I didn't, because now I have to pick up the pieces and deal with paranoia that I pissed everyone off because i wasn't responding to people during that time. They've been dealing with a lot and I failed them by not being there, but I really thought there was someone else in my head. I still kind of do.  
 
I'm going to go to DBT, I know I need to. I'm just terrified of losing my identity, I like being miserable because it feels like it's always where life circles back to anyway. I can't enjoy happy moments when I know it can all end in an instant.