!!!  TW: suicide, self harm !!!


So I feel like I have two types of sadness. I have my numb empty sadness and my depression. I used to say this was two types of depression but I think I understand it a bit more now. 

With my numb/empty sadness I'll stare at a wall for hours. I'll dissociate and be very out of it which I think can be sometimes more dangerous than my depression because rather than self harming I'll numbly attempt suicide or I think I'm more likely to do that at least. I'm not afraid of death when I'm numb. My sex drive is up also but I think it's because I feel the need to do anything to feel something.

With my depression I cry a lot which I wouldn't do when I'm numb. I'll also self harm and vent about things like trauma. I feel like I have to die because its the only way to escape. I'm thinking this in a very dramatic painful way rather than hearing a numb calm monotone voice in my head. Also my sex drive is gone completely and my insecurities increase.

These two sadness are both extremely emotionally painful but in very different ways. I dont know if this is a common bpd thing or if its something else.