I've known my FP since our first day of high school (in 2009). We've been friends ever since. We first started dating in May 2011, and I was his first everything pretty much (can't say the same for me). 

Right from the bat almost, I was lying and being unfaithful in the stupidest of ways. Some crazy manic 24 year old came from states away to visit me (was an online friend I was vaguely flirting with - remember I'm only 16 at this point) and stayed for weeks at a mutual friend's while he was clearly having a severe manic episode. I managed to sneak away and meet up with him for sex a few times. IDK why I did it, I regret it and it was stupid as hell, even if I wasn't cheating on someone as sweet and lovely as my FP. Self sabotage started early I guess (I wasn't diagnosed BPD until mid2019). 

Cue nearly a decade of us being on and off. I cycled through some other FPs, but he was always in the back of my mind (or in the front of it) no matter what. I cheated on him way too much. My longest stint of faithfulness lasted for a year and a half with him, and that's the longest I've ever managed to be faithful to anyone. Then after a year and a half of us doing well, a bunch of bullshit happened, none of it was my FP's fault. Someone who I thought was a friend swooped in when we weren't doing well and manipulated and lovebombed the shit out of me and somehow got me to split on my FP and my entire family for almost a full year. He was NPD and ***I didn't even like him!??!*** Like he literally pissed me off all the time and I would constantly oscillate between idealizing him and painting him black, like literally from hour and hour it would change. I look back and don't understand, this dude was an awful boring person. I guess us BPD people are just really vulnerable to NPD bullshit. 

I lied through my teeth and adamantly refused to ever admit any of my unfaithfulness until last week. We've been back together and actually living with each other for over a year now (it's not quite been a full year since I last cheated physically). I admitted every single little thing I could remember. Every bit of unfaithfulness. God, there was so fucking much, it's disgusting. I just couldn't keep lying any more. I  love him too much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm finally in therapy and taking medication that works for me. I'm ***done being a fucking lying, cheating bitch.*** 

I expected him to kick me out, to hate me forever. But he didn't. He listened. We cried together. I was admitting shit and coming clean for hours. It was so hard for both of us. Now, there are no secrets between us. Now we can truly start fresh. I can be the person he deserves. 

You guys have no idea how good this feels.

Come clean about your lies, stop lying to yourself and stop lying to the people you love. This was ***eating me up inside for a decade*** and I didn't even really know it. My anxiety has lessened so fucking much. 

My FP is truly my soulmate and I'm the luckiest girl in the world.