im contemplating posting this and ending up with zero responses :/ 

i’ve lost a close friend to suicide recently and ever since then i cant stop thinking about my death. im always fantasizing about it, i think i’ve reached the point where i’m obsessed. i feel like everyone would be better off without me, i’ve seen the impact of the loss of my friend had on our friends and i can’t help but feel jealous almost? jealous that they gathered up the courage to do it. i really don’t mean to be insensitive but i just wish i were dead, i wish it was me who did it. it’s almost like my life was just a tragedy, there is no moral, no good ending, just a sad story. 

a friend posted saying that they’ve only enjoyed 10 out of 12 months this year and it broke me. i’d say i had 1 good month out of the 12, the realization really upset me. i just feel like i’m wasting “the best years of my life” away. i haven’t hung out with any of my friends nor left my house in over 8 months. i was never like this, i get panic attacks just thinking about leaving my house now it’s awful. i know that the longer this goes on the worse it gets but i can’t help it im literally stuck, and i’ve given up.

i don’t care about anything anymore. i have no hobbies, nothing brings me joy anymore. i just to love to learn programming because i thought i was good at it but i just failed an important computer science final. it’s really adding on to the feeling of being stupid and talentless. im currently taking a gap year before starting uni, i was expecting to spend it with my friends, traveling, eating good food, making memories before moving onto a significant milestone in my life but it’s been the complete opposite. my anxiety and depression have never been worse than they are now. 

i’ve tried talking to my mom about it but she just got mad me, calling me crazy :/ i don’t care whether i live or die, i don’t care to be careful whenever i’m doing anything, im just barely surviving at this point.