The last fives years have been terrible and it's all starting to catch up to me. My family broke apart, I was kicked out of my home, the first person I ever loved left me, I lost my job, and I got sick. I've had symptoms of depression and anxiety since I was a 7-year-old. I started therapy at 11 or 12, started medication at 13. I gave up on medication after getting ill at school and almost passing out &amp; falling down a stairwell. I started cutting at 11 and attempted suicide for the first time when I was 13. I started getting high and drinking at 14. I was in and out of the hospital for years for cutting and taking pills. I tried to kill myself again when I was 16.

After a few years of this, I started to numb out. I wasn't crying anymore or cutting. It did nothing for me, it wasn't satisfying. I started to not care about myself or anything for the most part. I barely graduated high school. I was high for most of it. I felt nothing for the most part. My first long-term partner left me after four years. I was obviously mentally unwell but I was "coping" in a way that didn't send me to the hospital so I guess that's an improvement. I stopped having "crises" constantly and spent most of my time doing nothing other than working part time, smoking, drinking, and sleeping.

It feels like I have a new brain now. Nothing feels the same. The depression is worse and ugly, my anxiety is constant and it hurts every part of my body, and I'm extremely angry all the time. I had to quit smoking and drinking because of my ongoing stomach issues, and to get a new job, which I quit because I was getting so angry at work that I'd have to cry and punch myself on my breaks. I'm sober and have been for about five months. I don't "crave" anything but being high with make this all easier. I don't think about cutting anymore. Punching is easier.

I'm unemployed and I feel awful. I'm anxious constantly and I'm afraid of getting sick if I can manage to get a job anywhere else. I can't sleep at night. I have bad dreams and I wake up a lot. My temper is so bad that everything makes me go insane. If I drop something, someone talks to me, bumps into me, I have to run errands, all of that makes me rage. My relationships with my family members are deteriorating. They rarely talk to me now. I only leave my bedroom once a day for food. I feel so unwell, like there's something really awful radiating inside me and I don't feel right. I can't relax or calm down.

None of this is registering. I know I need therapy and I should try medication again. I don't even think of myself as ill anymore, I'm just a bad person. I don't know what to do right now other than avoid everyone and hope they forget I'm even here. I'm struggling really badly and I know I should've talked to a professional a while ago, but it doesn't feel real. I feel like I deserve this. How bad do you have to be to get yourself help? I feel like I need a sign.