me too, i feel numb and dumb. my mind is in a permanent blank state, i cannot reason with anything at all. like you could explain something to me, and i would try to pay attention, but nothing would resonate within me. i will retain nothing of whatever i have just been told. i feel like i float everyday, in the skies above the clouds every day. i don't know a thing about anything that surrounds me. i feel as if i was in a catatonic state. i won't move for hours, and i have developed like chronic knee pain. i think it must be because of the many days i have spent with my knees bended looking at the wall. sometimes i come back to my senses, and then i have to face the shame of having done nothing for days, and i have to apologize to everyone for the tasks i was supposed to do, but didn't do. but even when i do come back, i am defenseless, empty-headed, mind so blank i can't even drive a car. i pay for something at the supermarket and i am not even sure about what i paid for, or how much money i gave the cashier, i cannot manage to count my money.

i took pills prescribed by the psychiatrist, but although at first i took them one by one, exactly as i was told, one day, i decided to take them all, along with many other pills i had at home. To see what would happen. My body puked right after, that was something I couldn't control. My body was reacting before I could even process it, and later, it made me think that my body loves me, and it wants me to keep on breathing. But what for, even? Nevertheless, i decided not to buy any more pills so I won't swallow all of them again.

i could only figure, i could learn to live this way, because the sadness and hopelessness won't go away at all. turns out... i cannot. my personality and willpower are forever changed. i cannot find a job, i never match the outgoingness the recruiters are looking for. whenever i try to study, my mind is blank. i can only try to start first, because i know it will take me longer. but nothing goes inside my mind. i definitely should drop out, but i cannot find a job. i have nothing to hold onto if i drop out of college. i want to study, like back in the days, when the adrenaline of having to sit tests was so high i wanted to have more tests. with those abilities gone, i really feel like i have nothing. everyone has something about themselves they hold close to their hearts, that made themselves feel valuable...

i am deaf in one ear, half deaf in the other. as it happens, i happen to suffer from Goldenhar syndrome. My face is asymmetrical, to say the least. I hella hate my face. I find myself to be the ugliest thing ever whenever i look at myself in the mirror. I was often told that I was the ugliest by the other kids when i was at school. It doesn't help that my father often said that he was embarrassed to be seen with me, and that he kept a picture of my beautiful younger sister in his wallet but not mine because i was too ugly. Because I am a noticeable immigrant living in another country, i was often subject of xenophobia just walking around the streets, but more often than not, I was yelled for being ugly. I thought I had let go of those memories, but it looks like I still can't move the fuck on. 

The other day, I was offered a job. As desperate as I am, I took that chance. I am not given job opportunities, like ever, so I was glad for a second. Then I got there, and I realized that what they needed me for was my remarkably different face. The other people who were there also had picturesque faces. Well, the job was to take pictures of my face. I hated it. They were taking pictures of my horribly ugly face, exaggerating my features so that they look even more absurd, and all those memories I had returned to me one by one. Those pictures are going to be hung somewhere in the city. I hope to never see them and that nobody ever sees them. I feel that it was a project made to make fun of people with non aesthetic faces.. I have not been paid either. I feel cheated. Even if I try to argue about it, they never answer my emails or my chat messages.

That day, I got home and I cried for the first time in a long while. Then I was left exhausted. I wanted to run away so hard from that situation that I even moved out of my house. I know I am overreacting, but that was a terrible experience for me. For a moment, I had forgotten about my own face, thank you masks (fuck covid19). All of a sudden I was reminded of my low self esteem, and my past memories. I wish I could lock myself in my room and never come out. But I am not rich, so I have to do something with myself.

Recently, I had to isolate myself for a week due to covid19. I contracted the virus because I took care of my feverish sister and grandmother who were positive. But when I got the virus, I was left all alone. My brothers live 5 minutes away by foot. They never came to check up on me. I accept it, everybody has to work, but it doesn't make me feel good. They told me I was better off alone. That, I don't understand. What I mean to say, that isolation week was terrible because it was something like the last straw and it left me completely depressed. So here I am, writing as a form of therapy while waiting for my medical check up. I finally dared to call my doctor because my blank state of mind was truly frightening me. Whoever is reading this, thank you. And sorry english is not my first language so there might be inaccuracies, but I dont know where else to write or who to tell.

My family is by my side, they love and support me, even in this shitty state, they trust me. I must have been a very good person back when I was human and not dead alive. In a sense, I never truly experienced being a child because I always took care of my younger siblings, and helped around the house and my parents' business. I also got very good grades in a hearing school, despite me being almost deaf. I remember a teacher saying that had i been born in my parents' country, they would have killed me because of my gender and my disabilities. Those words have always resonated in me. I think that was the first time I wished I was dead... I never truly had someone I could call a friend in that school. I was always alone. Then I moved out for college. And all of a sudden I lost my role of the eldest sibling, the primary caretaker of my family. I lost myself and I am still lost. Whatever I do, I am still lost up here in the clouds. 

i love myself. i pity myself for being in this situation. i hate that i am in this situation. i hate to feel so pathetic every day. just breathing and witnessing how i throw away every chance given to me. i am sick of myself. i am so unhappy, not living, just surviving, frozen and unable to move, while the days, the months, and the years do go by. everything moves and changes except me. that's not what i want to be doing, but i can't do anything else. i feel anxious and desperate, and my blank mind is driving me crazy. i can't bring myself to smile, to think, to embrace myself or other people. i am just... alive. the possibilities are endless but i just do nothing. i really feel that amongst these endless possibilities, the only way to end this torture is to not wake up anymore. i am very tired.