I don’t know how to cope with this, but last October a couple weeks after he left me, I sent a suicide note to my ex about how it wasn’t his fault, how I had always wanted to die. It was stupid because it was impulsive and in the moment I was thinking maybe if I sent this to him, he would understand my pain and be nice again and we would continue talking and eventually getting back together maybe. I felt like he was dead. He wasn’t nice anymore he was just done with me. I was hoping the message would bring him back to normal again.

I hate myself for having acted manipulative. I can’t believe I did that. Yes he was very emotionally abusive but no one deserves that. After I had sent the note he said “what a childish reaction. You’re so fucking selfish and childish I don’t want you anymore.” And he said other hurtful stuff like “try to be less needy. You always push people to do the impossible and then wonder why they’re gone.” I didn’t think that statement was fair because the only time I started pushing him was when he was talking about breaking up possibly and thinking about it.

When he was telling me that he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and when he started talking about another girl (turns out they started dating right after he dumped me), I panicked for days. I cried over the phone to him for three days straight, and on the worst day, I told him I wanna kill myself. Later I apologized and said “I don’t wanna kill myself im sorry I said that. You don’t have to stay with me because you’re afraid I will kill myself.” Two days later he tried to break up with me and I begged for him and managed to get him to stay. He broke up with me a week later because of long distance and how my parents wouldn’t let me see him. But later he said it was because my anxiety was toxic and that I’m selfish (when it was him who was selfish and abusing me).

I feel like apologizing to him which is dumb because it happened a while ago. the last time I texted him was a month ago telling him how hurt I was how he didn’t seem to care he abused me, because he had texted me saying he found tweets saying I was abused, then he asked me if it was about him and how he abused me. He didn’t really take responsibility for it. 

The long message I sent a month ago was about my mental health struggles now because of his abuse, and how he made me dependent on him and how I put everything aside to make him happy. I told him how hurt I was when he made everything to be my fault for why he left. 

I also can’t help but feel guilty for my emotional breakdowns in front of him, and for telling him I wanted to die twice, once in and once out of the relationship. I just can’t believe I did that. 

Is there any way I can forgive myself?