i’ve always held my tongue in friendships because whenever i speak up i’m the one who gets vilified. but i’m also extremely aware that i’m not always the victim.

i had a close group of friends for years, consisting of my two best friends and our additional friends. i stopped talking to them because i felt like they were secretly talking shit about me and gaslighting me. the thing is, i was right. i found out that one of my “friends” (X) had hated me for a long time and the things they said were so nasty. i wasn’t that shocked, honestly, but extremely depressed after finding out.

fast forward after a long period of time my best friends+my other friends and i made up. we hung out away from X sparingly. i then told them about the shit talking. they agreed it was messed up, calling X a f*d up sociopath...but then they pleaded at me to “be cool” with them again (for their own comfort, lol). i was so confused why they’d acknowledge it was fucked up them do nothing about it. probably because it would inconvenience them. 

i did get to talk to X and they admitted they were wrong for talking shit, but they didn’t want to be friends. neither of us do. and, honestly, i can sense they’re just saying that to be like “SEE? i apologized.” and further the narrative that I’M the petty bad person.

now, they’re all still friends, planning trips, group chats, birthdays, etc. but i’m never invited if X is there. and they are almost always there...and these are events we had fantasized about doing for years, TOGETHER. X has kept all our friends...nothing has changed for them but i feel so alone. I made it very clear on multiple occasions that i don’t mind being around X AT ALL. i’ve worked through that months ago. and yet X has the final say if THEY’D be “comfortable” around me.

their reasoning is:

1.) they don’t want to get into our “drama”
and
2.) i would make things “awkward” for everyone (?? me? i’m not the one who hates someone)
3.) i should just make up with X so the group can stay together

i just don’t understand. i’ve talked to all my friends about how much it hurts that they’re still friends with someone who said those things about me, and their excuses are always so disappointing, or they brush it off. i understand i can’t control who people like to be around, but it feels extremely unfair that X came out of this getting exactly what they wanted: me out of the group. 

at this point these feelings have built up so much i find it difficult to even look at my best friends and act like everything is fine. it really hurts.

what do i do?