I can’t stop thinking about it. It almost gives me a panic attack, I feel like I have to rush out and make up for all the time I’ve lost but I don’t know how. Every day that passes with me still being the way I am is another day I fear I’ll regret if I ever make it to old age but I don’t even know what the hell I’m supposed to do about it.

I can’t do the things other people my age do. I can’t go out drinking, it’s been ruined for me. For a start it’s ill-advised to drink while on medication and I’m always on something these days. But also, my drinking habits have been a problem in the past, I slip into constant alcohol fairly easily because I’m desperate for any escape from my head. But even now, even if I feel confident I won’t overdo it or let it become a habit, I can’t. People in the past have made me feel so guilty about drinking at all that even though I don’t talk to them or anyone anymore, if I even take a sip of alcohol I feel a wave of shame wash over me and trying to drink more puts me in constant conflict with myself. And I know people are going to say you can go places and not drink, but when was the last time you went somewhere where everyone else was drinking and you actually had fun? 

Maybe, it’s just me though, maybe I just can’t tolerate people sober. I guess it’s why I don’t have any friends at all. Not even one. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can’t do it anymore. I’ve tried to make friends, hang out with people after work and stuff but it just makes me want to put a gun to my head. I just want to leave and be alone and I can’t escape the feeling no matter how much I force myself to go out or get over it. I’m lonely in theory but when it comes to being around people in practice, there’s nothing I hate more. I don’t even understand it.

I can’t go out and try drugs because my mental state is already so fucked that there’s a serious worry of drugs fucking it up even more and leaving at a point where I can’t tolerate existing anymore, I can barely tolerate it now.

I can’t have relationships for much the same reason that I can’t have friends. And even if I could, I’m way too unstable to make it work so it would only end up causing me pain. But I hear about people my age going out and dating and I feel like I’m going to miss my window even though I can’t even go out and do it.

I can’t even have sex because, again, I can’t stand being around people. And even when I do manage to get myself into that position somehow, it’s completely unsatisfying because the medication has ruined it for me and I just feel broken and ashamed. One more thing people my age can go out and experience while I’m left here unable to.

I can’t even focus on a career or making money because I can’t even hold down a job for a year without my mental health completely crippling me and destroying my ability to function in any way for months at a time, forcing me to give up the job. It happens at every job I’ve ever had. Nothing stops it.

I know what people are going to say, these things are just stereotypes for my age group and plenty of people my age don’t do any of them and are still happy but that’s not me. That’s not what I wanted from my 20s. I wanted to experience these things but I just can’t. I’m forced to spend most of my 20s stuck in my room, desperately fighting against my own head. And nothing seems to help, either. I’ve tried so fucking hard to change this shit but nothing helps it. I’ve been to so many therapists over the past couple years, just fucking hoping to go that one of them can help me but they haven’t helped anything, I’ve only gotten worse. I’ve done everything they’ve told me to do, I’ve kept an open mind and tried to be hopeful about the process but it doesn’t work. Not even the medications do anything, I’ve been on so many, built up to the highest dose on various antidepressants, antipsychotics and mood stabilisers and none of them have done anything at all to improve my mood and I don’t know why. Guess I’m just well and truly broken because nothing and no one can seem to fix me at all.

So every day I watch my 20s grow shorter and shorter and I panic as I watch the days disappear but I can’t do a fucking thing to change it.