Stuck almost 100 percent in the house since March because I am considered a high risk, even though I am young(ish). 

I’ve seen friends and family very sparsely, because it’s risky for me to see anyone I’m not sheltering with. At least we used to talk all the time, but now that everyone is able to leave their homes, they aren’t around anymore.

It’s so difficult to see all my friends and family get to (somewhat) return to their normal lives. I’m in a very hard hit area and it is really taking a toll on me, mentally. I have almost no one to talk to during the weekday because of this. I don’t hold it against anyone of course, I just wish my situation was different.

While I’m grateful for the home I shelter in, and I’m grateful I don’t have to work to survive, that means I have... nothing to look forward to, nothing to work on. I have no purpose, no future, no goals. Just... limbo. For people like me who are at higher risk of getting serious complications for COVID, this seems never ending.

I’m an extrovert. I need people, I need something to do at all hours. I’m married so I’m not completely alone, but my husband has important things to tend to that occupy most of his time. I honestly had a (mostly) very fun life before all this. A big social life, great friends, exciting career prospects (I’m an artist). Lots of travel. Going out in the world and discovering and capturing new places, people and things was a huge part of my life, my happiness. My distraction for the person I am inside. I miss it so much it physically hurts. 

Of course my life was far from perfect and I still struggled, but I had no idea how much worse my life could get. I had a therapist when this all began, but unfortunately she couldn’t treat me anymore when the pandemic hit due to factors beyond our control. I always knew therapy was a good thing to have in my life, but I didn’t know just how absolutely vital it was. 

I’m drowning in myself.

I’m afraid either COVID will kill me, or BPD will.

I’m trying to be strong. I’m not necessarily looking for advice or to talk to anyone about this further, just needed to vent to people who understand life with BPD... perhaps someone else on here is in my position and needs to know they aren’t alone in this feeling, too.