To make a long story short, today I fucked up and said something very stupid.

Later that day my cousin called me and said "I heard you said xyz?! Don't feel too bad about it, I talked to them and just said 'ah, you know how he is'".

Basically, all the bad things I know about myself are actually true, because someone can simply say "you know how he is" and be understood. Because I am **that** weird, and I am **that** asocial, and I am **that** stupid and creepy and disgusting.

He sounded as if he was pitying me.

And I've genuinely never felt worse.

People **are** actually thinking about me as badly as I thought.

It's not just things I imagined, no, people see what I've been seeing all this time and it's fucking killing me inside.