I'm new to Reddit and I think I just want to rant.

I (19F) live with my parents and grandmother (82F). I lost my grandfather in January this year.

My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer a few months back. She has a ton of other problems (she was diagnosed with depression after my grandfather's death, she has a heart condition, etc). This past year she has rapidly deteriorated both physically and mentally and her mind is a complete mess now. It is impossible to hold a conversation with her, she is disoriented and insecure and confused all the time, she cooks up scenarios in her head and she cannot distinguish between reality and her thoughts. We are all very patient with her but it is exhausting. She needs someone to be with her constantly and she says the most random (sometimes very hurtful) things. I am the one who is at home with her all day because my college is still online, and I need a break. But she is my grandmother, and I feel very very guilty for wanting a break from her. I can't leave my house without constantly worrying about how things are at home.

My mother is too busy with her job, I feel like she doesn't have time for me. I feel like I can't talk to her at all, anytime I am with her she gets a call or a message from work or someone else calls her and she picks up every time. I know she cares but I just want to talk to her and I'm not able to. Therapy doesn't seem like an option because I am never alone and I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to talk to a therapist anyway. I'm not a very open person and I have a few close friends, but I don't like talking about my family with them.

For almost a year now, I've been dull and easily irritated and I feel like I'm only getting worse. I'm never been much in touch with my emotions, and I feel like everything is hitting me at once, in addition to my home life. I don't know what to do, and I don't even know if I want to fix things anymore. It feels like this is just how my life is, and I should just accept it.