I have been sat here for well over an hour typing this post many, many times in a row over and over again, trying to find words to describe how I feel so I can at least feel like I can relate to others… but I can’t find any?

About 3 years ago I suddenly started having some really intrusive thoughts, I wasn’t at peace, because I had a girlfriend (who myself at the time was unaware) that had past traumatic experiences which left her insecure when dating. 

I was trying to contact her over and over, trying to figure out if she was fine or not. 

She just ghosted me, daily, responding very rarely. I know why she acted like that and, I don’t blame her, but it still crept on me for ages.

Right as the pandemic hit, we decided to break up for good, and that’s when shit started going downhill.

I grew more and more anxious by the day, combined by many, many personal factors and other things I really don’t want to remember or discuss about. 

My first bad low happened in October of 2020. It was a really, really horrible month, I did and said things I wish I didn’t, I was mentally broken.

And then another low. March 2021.

And then another, in June, after my father died. I got pretty bad. 

And then another, again in October, this time 2021. Still trying to recover, still break down once in a while.


I’m just so goddamn tired of being pressured by everyone around me. My commissioners, sure I get paid for my work, but its not helpful when they constantly check into my direct messages whenever they see me opening whatever other game or app, to “remind me friendlily to finish their comm due un 2 weeks that I already finished 90% of and I’m waiting for a subcontractor to give me his part of the trade, in a friendly tone.”

My mother legit doesn’t believe in anxiety or mental health at all. I’ve tried with her. She argues its my “toxic” habits, “insufficient” diet, and the electronic device exposure I get daily. 

I tried with a psychologist, sure she diagnosed me with severe insomnia and I’m under medications and it’s helped me somewhat sleep at night, but I don’t actually /relax/, I end up falling asleep from the meds rather than being calm and tranquil. Past that, she really doesn’t want to believe me on what I’ve done, and I don’t feel safe showing her the darker stuff because she relays it all to my mom. C’mon, I’m 18. Don’t do this. 


I’m literally helpless and fuck I don’t what to do anymore. 

Where do I go? What do I do?