I apologize in advance for the length.

So a few months ago I (19F) was diagnosed with BPD while looking to be diagnosed with ADD as both my siblings are ADD. I didn’t believe it at first, I think I had the wrong idea of it and mixed it up for bipolar which i knew i definitely wasn’t that. But then the other day a video popped up on my youtube recommended about signs of BPD &amp; suddenly everything made sense. I researched it kinda extensively and now i’m 99% sure that the doctor who diagnosed me and prescribed me meds (i never picked up) was right after all. 

I hate that i fit every symptom i saw when researching besides intense anger. I feel like idk what thoughts are real and what thoughts are the disorder. I also noticed I do a lot of the things listed to my new boyfriend (20) and i feel awful. With my bf, we’ve been messing around and becoming extremely close since january of this year and within that time he broke my trust several times &amp; lied about it up until this time last month where we talked about everything &amp; fixed the problems. he officially asked me out 8/19/21. but my trust issues with him are up and down. there’ll be signs he’s lying and then turns out maybe he wasn’t after all &amp; i oftentimes don’t know what to believe considering i know he’s capable of being a good liar given the past. on top of sometimes accusing him i feel bad because i can be snappy or flip floppy in ways. not that i’ll just black on him for nothing or anything like that but with littler things. idk how to describe it because overall i know i treat him really well and will bite my tongue on a lot for his sake but i feel so bad for the things that i do do.

i feel like i’m suffocating yet i feel empty. if i’m bored i feel like i’m losing my mind. if everything is good i sometimes question when it’ll end. i know how manipulative and charming i can be but can’t help it. i never know what i feel about my significant others even though in my head i know i surely like them. i’m the most confident &amp; nonchalant person i know (besides my bf) but also find myself analyzing everything i want to change about me. i go for guys who no one get but everyone wants so i can feel validated when they fall hard for me (don’t get me wrong i do actually like them). i’ve been to 3 psych hospitals throughout my life since i was 13 or 14 for suicidal thoughts/attempts. i have no motivation to do anything no matter how much i want to unless it’s for my S.O. i also get over infatuated with one person for a period of time until the next comes along. everyone always tells me i’m so smart in life and advice and school (i dropped out and of 11th grade) this and that but i am also the one to get into the most chaotic situations and make the overall dumbest spontaneous decisions.. and the list goes on. i also think it stems from childhood sexual trauma i experienced consistently from 9-17 years old.

i literally feel like i can’t bring myself to just call my insurance to get a physical card &amp; be able to pick up my meds. i’ve been trying to build myself up to do it for a while now. i also moved out by myself to my neighboring state a couple months ago (6/17/21ish) and my state covered counselor isn’t licensed here. i feel stuck and i hate asking for help over things i know i technically can do and i hate using my mental health as an excuse. 

my question is: 

how can i go about naturally helping myself until i muster the motivation to get help by professionals? what things work for you when you catch yourself overthinking (even when you’re convinced you’re right)? just some tips that help you throughout your day to day basis