Hi everyone, this is a throwaway account, and I am making this post because I promised my self that if I survived my panic and anxiety disorder I would come back and write about it here.  It helped me to read about people who made it to the other side, so I want to do the same. I wont be answering questions, this is just to give hope to anyone out there struggling. There is HOPE! I promise you!

  

So I will try to make it as short as I can, but it's a complicated subject so it probably wont be.    

I'm a mid 30's, born male  

Last year, about 10 month ago, I started to suffer severe panic attacks. It all started with me being checked for a deadly decide that my symptoms matched. Luckily I was fine, but the panic attacks didn't stop after I was cleared.  

When I say servere panic disorder, I mean servere! I would only sleep for about 1-2 hours before waking up in intense panic. My entire body was reacting constantly. I had muscle spasms/ticks all over, even in muscles I didn't even know could contract like my rib cage. I had a shooting pain in my stomach and constant diarreah, I was pretty much shaking all the time, I had zero appetite (I lost 11 pounds the first 14 days), I couldn't think clearly or remember things, and my mind was in constant despair. I truly mean it when I say I would rather loose both of my legs than to go on living like that.    

Now, I am a person who does all the "right" things in terms of health and fitness. I don't really drink, I eat very healthy, I take supplements, I exercise a lot, I do yoga and I have been doing mindfulness meditation for the last 10 years or so. All that did not matter one bit in my case.  

This went on for weeks. I would find my self on my bathroom floor at 4am every morning shaking and wishing I would get a heart attack so it would stop. My children was probably the only thing that kept me going. I tried an array of different methods to work with and handle my panic disorder. Numerous types of theraphy, supplements like cbd (I found that 400-500mg a day would help, so I took about 100mg 3-4 times a day for some time), alternative methods, heavy exercise, sauna and cold therapy, -you name it, I probably tried. I ended up at the psychiatric emergency room, and I was prescribed 50mg Zoloft (sertraline). I had a doctors appointment the next day, and I just for the life of me would not take psyke meds! I waited until the next day, and this is when my doctor told be about a "new" type of therapy that is gaining traction.

It was something called Metacognitive Therapy and this turned out to be my way out. I read a book about the practice and pretty much the day after, ALL MY SYMPTOMS STOPPED.... I went to bed that night and nothing happened!? I JUST SLEPT AND WOKE UP NORMALLY!? I was stunned, what was going on? How could just reading about, and understanding a therapy change everything so rapidly? Well, I it didn't last, because after 3 months with zero issues, my panic attacks came back, and I was right back where I started. I remembered that it was meta (the META is really important by the way), that had helped me the first time around, so I signed up for a group therapy course.  

The problem was that I had to wait about 4 weeks before the course would begin, and I was on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. I ended up at the psychiatric emergency room again, and this time it was so bad that they convinced me to take a benzodiazepine, just to calm down a little bit. I got 15mg of Oxapax if I remember correctly, and it calmed the panic, but I did not like it. I was still scared of taking meds, but my condition was so horrible that I decided to start the Zoloft that I had been prescribed earlier, because it probably couldn't get any worse right? Well it did.  

The first week on Zoloft was hoooorible. All my symptoms got worse, but I had decided to do it, no matter how bad it got, because I knew this would probably happen. I was reading peoples stories here  and I knew what ti expect. Except for the suicidal thoughts. luckily that only lasted 1 day, but that shocked and scared me. I have never had that idea in my head before, and I am pretty sure it was the meds. It was gone the day after and I started to feel better and better each day. After about week 2, I began to have "normal" parts in my days, and by week 3-4 I was have full days without panic attacks. I would still wake up with a panic feeling every morning, but it subsided as soon as I would get up. By week 4-5 I was doing pretty okay, and it was now time to start my therapy course.  

During the 5 weeks program, I found out why my panic disorder had returned. I head read the book about the therapy, I understood the idea completely, but I had not learned the real-life exercises, practical tools and behaviors that are needed to get better. During the program, we would learn a new exercise each week and keep track of our progress. It was great because I had a lot of questions about everything, and really it all came back to, -stop worrying about it. Yeah that's easier said than done if you have anxeity or panic disorder, I know, but I promise you it is possible.  

Because I was on Zoloft, I was actually a functional human being again, and I could focus on the practice and do the work. (Not Byron Katie's "The Work" by the way :) ). I got out of the group therapy in good health, still on Zoloft, and decided to make a plan for quitting the medication.  

After about 3 months on 50mg Zoloft and feeling like I was in a good place, I decided to ease my self out of it and see what would happen. I had my Metacognitive Therapy practice in my backpack this time. I went down to 25mg for 7 days and then stopped. Apart from some strange sensations in my head now and then (like physical sensations when I would turn my head quickly), I didn't have any side effects from quitting.  

I am now completely off Zoloft and I am feeling really good. I haven't had a panic attack since I quit. I am also not scared for it to return, because I know what I have to do now. Metacognitive Therapy is really powerful, and it really does make your anxiety go away. It is so strange that it is all in your head, and yet it feels so impossible to do anything when you are in it.  

  

Well, that is pretty much my story. I hope that if you are reading this and you are in the grips of despair, that you believe me when I tell you, there is hope. There is hope for a brighter future with little or no anxiety or panic attacks. If I could do it so can you. Don't be afraid for trying Zoloft or an other SSRI. If you are in the state that I was in or similar, it might be just what is needed to help you along. I was prepared to take Zoloft for the rest of my life if that was what it took, but I was fortunate enough to find a type of therapy that worked for me. You will be the same. I know it feels unbearable right now, but if you are reading this, YOU ARE BEARING IT! Don't give up, keep trying to see what works. Set long timelines for the things you try, especially SSRI's take time to work. You won't become addicted from trying something for 3 months (unless it's a benzo, try to limit the use of those!), and you can always quit and be back where you started.   

For me it was what I needed to get into therapy and get a better understanding on the practice that I found helpful. Now the dark clouds have passed and the sun is shining again. You will get here too some day, just hold on and work hard, you are worth it! The only way out is in - You can do it.  

Much love!   

  

p.s. I won't be coming back to read any comments or questions on this, as it is part of my therapy not to engage anymore. But know that you are in my heart and I wish you all the best.