so yesterday i posted here i suddenly wanted to self harm again. i didn't do it, i took a nap and kinda forgot about it for the rest of the day. but today, i did it..

i don't feel good about it but i definitely don't feel bad. i don't even know how to explain. im obviously not trying to promote self harm (and i feel like an absolute hypocrite, because if a friend of mine said they wanted to do it i would try my best to change their mind), but it kinda felt.. relaxing? idk man. i never do it when im sad. i only do it when i wanna feel relaxed, because i do like the sensation. i don't like it when i say this but it's true.

and two months ago i was so, so bad. maybe not as bad as other people, but it was probably one if my lowest points. and again, i would only self harm to feel calmer or relaxed. i only remember doing it when i felt really sad once, and it was last year, in november. in february (of this year), i think i had an anxiety attack or something, and i thought about doing it but i changed my mind and just went to cry on my bed. but that might also be because i was trying to stop that day. in the afternoon i challenged myself not to do it even for just 24 hours. that attack was at night, and i could hold back. but guess what? i did it the day after that. couldn't stop for just 1 day :/

so yeah, this probably got very confusing. i am tired, and my mind isn't fine rn and english isn't my first language so please ignore any mistakes¿ idk

i know i shouldn't do it. i know. but today i couldn't help myself. i feel do bad about liking it. and i feel bad in general. why the fuck. why