I have always been on my own and always had it together. I was able to face anything without a second thought or help from anyone and was never anxious because I knew there was nobody else anyway so, I learnt to deal with things on my own. I started practically homeless and managed to work and put myself through uni and get a job I never thought I would, make more money than I ever did and have a wonderful husband. But nothing feels right. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It all started in 2017. I always loved flying but one day I was flying on a weekend break with my husband and as soon as I sat in my seat, I had a panic attack had trouble with flying ever since. I have managed to remedy that by using some over-the-counter sleep aids but my anxiety seems to be finding other ways to come out. 

A bit of background: I left home at 17 because my dad is a horrible person who treated my mum and us like garbage. Unfortunately, my mum wouldn't leave him for her own reasons so I chose to cut them out and live my own life. 

In 2015 my mum (54F at the time) was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer and passed last August, at the age of 59, on my birthday. I was with her the whole time and she passed peacefully with no pain, which I am grateful for. My dad did more inexplicable things since she passed so I have cut all ties with him.

I was always much closer to my mum's family than my dad's. A few days ago I found out that my mum's youngest sister (51F) was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy within 24hrs and that her cancer is aggressive and she'll have to have chemo every 2 weeks. They are the people closest to me on my mum's side and I'm so worried.

To make matters worse, back in October I had blood tests that showed my ESR and C-Reactive Protein (inflammation/infection indicators) were elevated. Having no other symptoms, my doctor repeated the tests several times and they are always elevated. I was referred to a rheumatologist to investigate further. They sent me for a CT to investigate cancer or an autoimmune condition. When I went for the test, the machine was slightly deeper than usual and I got really claustrophobic and was unable to have the test. I tried again but the meds I took to help me relax, didn't kick in until I got home so I was once again unable to have the test. I haven't heard back from the consultant and now I'm sitting here making cancer scenarios in my head. The worst part is that I have had CTs and MRIs before and I was fine! This is so frustrating.

I haven't slept properly in a long time and always wake up with a knot in my stomach. My shoulders are always shrugging like I am carrying my whole body on my shoulders and I absolutely hate that I don't feel grounded anymore. 

I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful house, a great job in a place that people would kill to work, great colleagues and live in a beautiful place yet, none of this seems to make me happy. I am constantly stressed and worried.  To make matters worse, I am turning 40 this year and I have been trying to think about what I want to do for my birthday and I can't think of anything I want which is just depressing. 

One thing that is missing from my life is friends. I moved to where I live 2 years ago and all my friends are scattered around the globe but I am not antisocial. I go out with new colleagues and make every effort to meet new people. I also started exercising regularly, seeing a therapist and trying to work on eating better. I honestly don't know what else to try but the constant fear of impending doom is killing me. How did others get through this?