i'm 22 years old art student with autistic spectrum.  
Last time i met my psychologist she told me that if i refuse to change, if i dont have the willingness to change my self-punishing behaviour to motivate myself to do almost anything, she will refuse to help me further. This behaviour is the result of not having a father (not a very present one to be clear).  
So i'm here, in my room, punching myself to get through school work until i bleed. And you know what? i dont find that unsustainable at all, yeah, it sucks, but i cant find nothing bad about it because i do the work in the end. 

The real problem is that i grew attached to this psychologist in particular and i cant for the life of me lose her. To clarify: i'm not in love with her, i just cant imagine beign alive without a monthly visit. 

To be honest i dont think i have the willpower to change this destructive behaviour, i'm a coward, a crying child, a pussy, a walking trashcan. How am i supposed to change? Willpower and discipline doesnt grows in the trees, no one teached me those things.   


what can i do other than lay on the floor, cry and rot? 

Right now i want to leave my body, disappear into the abyss, forever.