I have been crying for 3 days straight and I am exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally… I haven’t felt this terrible since high school and thought I’d never be back in this situation ever again.

I feel worthless, devalued, disrespected, unloved, and stupid for giving my time and energy to men who obviously never deserved it. I never agreed to having my nudes posted online and I never agreed to sex tape recordings that were also posted. I called the police last year and the detective made some calls and since there is no hard proof unless they confess, there isn’t much that could be done. I requested as many videos to be taken down as possible, but there are videos and pictures still up, and that’s what makes my heart beat so fast every night. It’s the fact that I found them when I wasn’t looking last year and was completely taken off guard. My ex fiancé in 2017 asked me if I had ever done a porn video, and I angrily responded as I would never post something like that. He mentioned that he may have saw me in one but never brought it up again. Still filing single, I found the videos in 2020… that conversation haunts me to this day. I ask myself daily what could I have done to piss people off so much to want to do something like this? 

These thoughts are just compounding on dealing with the traumatic loss of my grandmother who was my best friend. Including her, I’ve lost so many important people in this lifetime already. My dad, all my grandparents, my favorite uncle, and a couple of friends. It might be more existential dread, but I also question what am I really doing here…

Kinda lost and sad and feeling alone as I’ve felt alienated by my partner who has mentioned that my mental health is the biggest problem in our relationship and that I need to get professional help or our relationship is over. I’m not opposed to getting help, but this really effected my ability to completely trust and feel safe sharing as I no longer know what’s too much. 

Any advice helps. TIA