Afterwards I convince myself that's because I want to restart, but it's always brought on first by the desire to disappear. I had an issue with being borderline on christmas. My FP was enjoying the holiday and I was trying to give her space because things were getting rough between us and also because of the holiday. But it became too hard for me and I messaged her, but fear set in when she had opened the message and didn't respond. I became triggered almost immediately and got set into the "message and then delete out of fear of bothering someone" trance.

When she messaged back, she told me to stop bothering her which caused me to freak out and tell her I'm having issues and I don't want to ruin her christmas with them, and she responded with her saying she can't do it anymore. We talked and she ended by saying we can't be friends until I become better, but how can I get better when this just reinforces my fear of abandonment? Am I supposed to just hate people and never let them get close ever again? I just can't do this anymore. I feel like a terrible person and I just want to die and end this.