If anyone could read this. Give me any advice. Have no one to go to.

I’ve been severely depressed for years now. My life was okay. I was a good kid. I got into my first university of choice. I’m not someone you would expect to hit rock bottom or be in the current situation I am. I’ve been alone most of my life. My dad used to work late nights back when I was in school. I often would have the house to myself. I never had an issue being alone. I would just play video games/bring friends over etc. Nowadays, 
I don’t like anything I used to - music, games, films whatever. I feel numb constantly. I fell out of love with most of the things I enjoy. There’s like a constant guilt feeling or sadness attached with being alone. I just feel like I should be doing more. It doesn’t feel good anymore. 

I used to be able to function alone. I would be productive and carry good energy. 
Trying new things or anything nowadays it’s immensely draining - it’s as if it takes all my
energy. Simple things like washing the dishes. 

Being alone never really impacted me socially. I can be alone and be a social butterfly. I like to be out there - I am able to be confident. I was never  an ‘introvert’ but I am now. 
I’ve been isolated and disconnected for so long. Even talking is difficult. I often appear ‘out of it’ and very panicked and fidgety. I mean i would spend days literally pacing around in my room all day as if I was in solitary confinement. I didn’t see my friends anymore even if they asked . Even when I did I was too mentally unstable and often seemed disoriented. I just couldn’t relate to my friends anymore nor put up a mask that everything is okay. Most people talk about what they achieve - what they are up to. I obviously can’t relate so just naturally disconnected. 

I missed everything. Birthdays, parties, events - my friends stopped trying with me and don’t  invite me anywhere anymore because I just wouldn’t come. Can’t blame them.

University was fun I had a lot of good experiences and met some good friends. University itself was challenging. I felt lost. I I wasn’t interested in my subjects anymore. University was a big transition. The independence and all. I don’t know if it was because I was studying the same subjects or just lost interest for them. 
Despite seeing friends often. Going out. I still suffered from depression and loneliness in university. 

weed. 
Started smoking weed in university and never stopped. 
Naturally weed makes you lazier/less interested in things - so do wonder if this was the cause. I am now a drug addict. I often go broke from buying too much weed and can’t recall a week/two I’ve went without smoking since I’ve started. I’ll be honest it does nothing for me but it’s become a coping mechanism.
Still can’t stop.
I dropped out. 
Second year. 
Came home during the first lockdown era/COVID 19 
Lockdown itself had devastating impacts but I also was told a-lot when returning. 
my mother
my mother is my angel.
She’s a woman who is too kind for the world we live in today. She was raped and abused at a very young age. This destroyed her. Often dealing with her mental condition she was unable to look after herself yet alone me. She did good though. Better than my father. My mothers life is a tragedy. She went from a hopeful. Motivated woman. To a shut off with little to no friends. Her whole life has basically been her battle with abuse and trauma. 
I saw all of this. Often coming home. She would be in bed all day. Crying etc. It used to motivate me. 
I would want to do well to tell her, make her happy. Eventually it became too much. We both were suffering mentally and being in the same household we would clash all the time.
My good memories are all tainted with bad ones. She hates our home and wants to move. To the point she can’t even be there anymore.
She stays with her sister now. I’ve been alone for the past few months. She just never had the chance to live her own life. This situation with my mother alone is way too complex to summarise so I’ll end it there.

My father further increased the damage. He had opened a case regarding the home my parents had bought - regarding the finances of the property. He was trying to not give my mum a share. My mum in her nature fought and lost the case. This took away her benefits and hurt her even more mentally. My father had also abused my mother despite knowing her history with rape and abuse - my mother was a good woman, vulnerable, weak has little experience with men. She just believed in the wrong man. My father has his own issues - he also saw his mother abused so I’m wondering if he just thought it was ‘okay’. 

My father basically made life even worse for us. I loved him even when my whole family told me I shouldn’t. Losing my relationship with him I lost basically my relationship with the other half of my family. As I said I got my grades. Stayed out of trouble. I just didn’t understand why he would do this to me? He must have known I would be affected in some way. He married some woman and basically stopped caring about me and my sister (yes, I have a sister she went through way worse than me so I honestly look pathetic) he had already ‘disowned’ her in the past. He raised me for a few years but apparently it was only because my mother was unable to and solely for this reason. I feel like I can’t trust anyone due to this. 

I also have severe confidence issues. I don’t like the way I look. My teeth. Everything. 
I lost my hair early. Around 17-18 don’t exactly remember. Tried everything to fix it. Even had surgery that was unsuccessful. This destroyed me. I stopped going out completely or wouldn’t even take the risk if I couldn’t cover my hair. I just felt everyone was ridiculing me - till now I haven’t gotten over it. I’m 22 now. 
It used to be bad but tolerable. Now with the surgery failing too I just don’t know what to do. 

I also have a porn addiction. Had it for years now. To the point I have Erectile Dysfunction. It’s affected my relationship with woman. I can’t satisfy them. They leave. It’s that simple. I can’t stop because it’s all I’m comfortable with now. I know I won’t have a girlfriend/any intimacy anytime soon - so I get my quick ‘fix’ I know it’s wrong but like I mentioned it’s a battle. It’s a mixture of loneliness, boredom and craving intimacy that keeps me in the loop. I want someone to be there for me. I don’t even talk to girls anymore. Unless it causal sex. I can’t do dates don’t have the confidence for it.

Today I’m 22 years of age.
Still insecure with my identity/appearance
Still suffering porn addiction/ED
Still a university drop out with no direction.
Still lonely and isolated (I don’t mind this though. I understand you need time alone to do better for yourself)
If I died tomorrow. I couldn’t say I was happy with life. I just have too many regrets. Too many thoughts of how I could  
of done things differently. 
Thank you to anyone that reads this. Can’t explain everything way too complex but hope you understand. 

r/NothingButSadness