Depression is riding me hard this week. I keep telling myself I have good reasons to be depressed. I just got laid off from a job I thought would last me through retirement. I got one month of severance, and I have savings, so we can last 2 months total before we're homeless. I'm in the 4th week of being unemployed with no prospects in sight. My bosses effing screwed me. I worked for a pair of entrepreneurs who had a couple startups. They shut down their companies simultaneously. I was the head of the marketing department. Which means I was the head of marketing for 2 companies that suddenly failed. Both companies were healthy as far as I knew. I had stats showing steady growth every single month. But because the owners decided to shut down out of the blue, on paper it looks like I oversaw the demise of 2 companies. On the same day. So, yeah, my career is in the toilet. Had 3 interviews, no offers, and tons of ghosting and rejection. I'm the sole support for 4 people, and I can't get a job in my field. 18 years of experience means I'm either way over qualified or too much trouble to take on. So I'm fighting that amidst feelings of hopelessness and failure and worthlessness. I'm failing everyone I love. We're going to end up homeless. 

Today, I found myself wondering just how fast I needed to be driving in order to guarantee dying in a car wreck. Because I want to find a way to end it that will be seen as an accident. I don't want my son to think it's his fault. So that's the only thing stopping me. Not my son; the problem of finding a way to make it look like an accident. I don't want to die...yet. But I'm so tired of trying and failing. And failing. And failing. This isn't the first time we've been this close to being homeless. This is the third time. How can I avoid feeling like a completely useless failure when this keeps happening? It must be me. I'm the one who keeps effing up. So the insidious thought raises its head. That maybe if I wasn't here to effing everything up, then everything would get better for everyone who depends on me. I'm so tired of failing. So tired of trying. There comes a point where you wonder why you're bothering to pick yourself up again. Why try so hard? Gonna fail no matter what. I've been here before. I keep ending up back here no matter how hard i try. So why am I trying at all?

"Get a job." I'm effing trying. I've sent out 76 resumes.
"Get treatment." 1, I no longer have insurance. 2, I'm already on Depression meds. Not helping.
"Can't you ask your family for help?" No. My family is poor. My mom lives on my couch. I have no family to ask.
"What about unemployment payments? Government help." Already on it. It's not enough to cover my rent. 
"Just give it time. You'll find a job." Desperation shows. I'm likely to settle for ANY job. And I'll end up back where we started, not making enough to cover bills. I used to make decent money. Our life expenses matched that. I have obligations that cannot be avoided, period. I don't mean eating out and entertainment crap. Rent, cars, college, loans. I default on any of it, we're homeless. I just spent the last 5 years fixing my credit. In one month, all that work will be erased. Again. I’m just going to eff if up again, so why keep trying?
"Your family needs you." Bullshit. My family depends on me to do EVERYTHING. And I'm the one effing everything up. They'd be better off if they stopped pretending that I'm dependable. Clearly, I'm not.

These are the arguments crashing through my brain. The crying jags are bad enough, but when you find yourself calmly wondering how to cause a car crash that'll be guaranteed to kill you...

Yeah. Effed up.

Thanks for letting me vent.