I'm not sure what is going on within me.

I'm familiar with depression, I've spent years in therapy. It's what dug me out the first time. I was dilligent in working on myself. I went through the motions. And survived.

However, this second bout is insidious. Gone is the profound novelty of being first diagnosed. That alone has it feeling more insidious, as it's the slowest creeping wreck that I've been seeing for months now. I saw and felt the signs, and made sure to engage in the same routines that helped address my first bout. But it isn't working at all. It's getting worse.

I feel so profoundly alone. At the tail end of 2020, I left a long-term, mentally abusive relationship. And I swear it has really distorted my sense of self in the most confusing ways. Ironically, I feel so self involved. I'm so worried about every thing I say around those I love now. I ignore their input as I'm locked in my head that something didn't go right and I might be losing them as a friend. Or losing them as family. 

I've been put on antidepressants, which aren't new to me, but their effect this time around is. I still feel terrible, but that terribleness is so much more banal. It's mundane and scary.

I'm clinging to my psych appointments for dear life, but then walk out feeling worse. I regurgitate all I can articulate on how I feel, which is bad. And that's all I feel like I'm doing. Is putting myself in a shitty state of mind, then the hour is over, and I have to get back to reality. I'm left with nothing. I just feel worse.

I don't like this. I hate it. I want to make it to Monday to go to another appt., but I'm so scared I'll walk out more sad and less in control.

I miss crying. I can't do it anymore. I miss being able to go through the motions of grief. But I've stalled out. I miss not feeling alone. But as soon as I'm done hanging out, I'm awash with a visceral sense of lonliness.

This isn't a tenable existence, I can't keep feeling like this. And I just wish I could take my time but I can't. But I'm so lost on where to go. I'm getting way too tired of this stuff.

And it has me scared, terrified, and sad. This shit just isn't worth it, it feels like.