I grew up with parents very loving towards me but a very very rocky and narcissistic relationship between them. Also with a lot of resentment between me and my siblings, never feeling comfortable etc. 

My boyfriend and I have been together since last June and I’m really lucky because he’s so gentle, loving and very secure. He tells me he loves me every single day and he’s so supportive. Thing is, I put my problems on him every single day and I have no idea how he copes with it. 

In March I had what I’d call a breakdown - I got drunk and my boyfriend got a little upset at me about something but it wasn’t a big deal. I was very drunk and don’t remember much but I started hysterically crying because I hated myself so much. I started headbutting walls in my flat and attempted to throw a glass tray on my head. 
I woke up the next day and he’d gone home. I tried to contact him but he said he was absolutely terrified and needed space. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. 
We then met to talk and he admitted he was drained and absolutely terrified. He said he considered ending things but he could see how much I was willing to really work on my traumas.

Since then I’ve begun therapy and begun taking Zoloft but I just don’t feel I’m getting any better. It’s taken me a month to address the holes in the wall and, bless him, he’s filling them for me right this second because he didn’t want me to have to face it. 

I always tell him I’m worried about being boring (posted about this yesterday) and he couldn’t be more loving or supportive but I’m just so so tired of this feeling. I’m constantly terrified he will leave me, and I have lack of object permanency (if he’s not texting me or with friends I feel like he’s ready to leave me). I can tell this drains him and is ruining our relationship. 

IM SO FUCKING TIRED