I hate routine. Idk why I was born to exist to work and be in debt and lose myself completely. What is the point of any of it? All this pain for a few moments of joy? I only look forward to the weekend and even then spend most of my time doing errands. I feel guilty for getting married and having children because now I feel like I am just constantly trying to fake happiness. My husband doesn’t struggle with mental health at all and explaining how I feel when I’m depressed is no use. He trys to help but honestly I just feel so alone and also guilty because I don’t deserve their love. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin and generally feel unaccomplished. I don’t know how I got here in a job I don’t like barely making ends meet.  there is no shortage of love in my house and yet I’m lonely. I push everyone else away and have no friends. The only friend I have who checked up on me daily has stopped answering my messages- I guess he’s done with me too? My extended family has stopped calling because I never answer.  No one called me on my birthday back in July for the first time no one even tried. It hurt but I know I’ve pushed them all away. All I do anymore is smoke weed in my free time to feel something. I just want to lay in bed and rot. Who knows how long this depression Wave will last and that’s the part that makes me want to die. Thanks for listening….