Currently drunk and high on weed and nicotine wondering why on earth I should bother to keep trying.

26 and still living in my parents house bc I fiscally can't living alone. Tried it once and only lasted for 6 weeks because I was having too many panic attacks I couldn't even function anymore.

Flash forward for today, a few months later, parents went out of town to care for my grandma (3x stroke and dementia patient) and I am left alone at home because I can't go due to work and I cannot, I simply cannot spend a second sober with myself and in silence. Always on something (mostly alcohol and weed but very occasionally MDMA) because the mete thought of being alone with myself makes me want to jump off the balcony because I simply have nothing to live by, as life is completely meaningless. So to summarize my question is: how the fuck do you just keep going on the hopes of feeling better other than being numb someday????????

Ps: sorry for English, not my first Languages, just very very high and espresso depresso over here