I feel like I cant talk to my parents passed a certain depth anymore or I will be hospitalized again. It wont be any 3 day, or 2 week stay this time though; the psychiatrist made that super clear for me last time. Ive never come so close to breaking within those hospital walls. I promised Id die even if it was the most horrible suicide before Im ever hospitalized and stripped of my dignity like that again. 

I feel exhausted from cutting myself more and more but only feeling less and less. I feel exhausted from having to care for these fucking wounds for weeks to months post break every time I snap. I feel exhausted from losing more and more control every time I snap. I feel exhausted for calling myself weak, pussy, failure, disappointment, idiot, etc. I feel exhausted from calling myself champion, 'better than this', stronger, able, etc and only failing and crashing deeper and harder back into this cold rock bottom. Im exhausted from making that walk back to that building, or that train station, or writing those fucking notes....and these fucking notes. 

Ive just smoked some of a joint and I am fucking terrified that I relapsed again today. Im terrified how much I lost control again. How much closer I got to stepping off the edge this time. Im losing my grip. More and more I am losing touch when I snap. When i self harm now it becomes so out of hand I am going to slit my throat soon and I am terrified that it will have been murder. It wont have been me. Im looking at my fucking arm right now. This isnt fucking me. 

I have scars fucking everywhere. I am so fucking lonely and cold but I have so many fucking scars I am terrified of opening myself up to a partner. 

Im so fucking lost and afraid. Its 5 steps forward, 50 steps back and I am on a cliff and there is not much more leeway.

I took a walk to my suicide spot today where I was found last time and fuck man i didnt even need alcohol this time to shed the fear of pain or "what if this goes wrong and the terror/agony that will ensue before I am cast to hell like a coward piece of shit". I almost ran back home and smoked so many cigarettes and cut so much fucckkkkk man.

I just dont know where to turn anymore but I dont want to die it feels like the devil or some black hole void is sucking sooooooooooooo intense right now though fucking ouuuuchhh :'(

How do I get through this without being hospitalized? Can a therapist still call 911 on me?