(Not fluent in english, so some sentences might not makes sense. And this might be long so dont risk it.) 

Tw: SA, sc*d@l thoughts, #buse, bul&amp;ying, etc.

I am a very self-aware person. I know that me laying down and staring at nothing will not do anything. I know that me having suicidal thoughts unironically obviously tells me something. I'm not diagnosed with depression, but im pretty sure im not mentally stable either. I know im not okay but I do nothing of it. Maybe because im afraid of letting anyone close to me know my vulnerable side or because my family dont have time or money for therapy. Maybe both. 

I don't know where this all came from but I think it started at lockdowns. Since I have no personal interactions to anyone, I just relied on the internet for entertaining myself. Its all fun at first, were priveleged enough to not starve in quarantines. It was then when I saw a comment from yt talking about having a memory of getting taking advantage as a child and think nothing wrong of it until you suddenly realized you are wrong. I remembered looking at that comment for hours before I finally processed it. Until now, I don't know what to describe how I feel with those memories. They just suddenly went back to my head like a snap. And now, I always remember them no matter where I go. It bothers me a lot but I don't know what to do with it so I just let them plagued my thoughts and just endured it. I can't do anything about it anyways or maybe I don't try to. 

School makes me stressed but distracts me from those thoughts and memories so I have no problem with them. Thanks to the amount of schoolworks, I managed and those memories didn't bother me that much anymore(it was still there but my chest only feels heavy and now i don't need to bother hiding my breakdowns)

It was good, I thought I can live with it and wait for the right moment before I tell my parents. Im sure that when im old enough and can support myself, even if they don't believe me or dont give a shit about me, I can live somewhat peacefully if i pay for my own therapy. But no, a memory of me verbally bullying everyone from elementary came back. And then another memory of me getting bullied in school. And then another memory of me making a dog starve, beating them, and forcing them to eat soap after school. All of them came back. As I said, I am self-aware. When we compare the good things and bad things I did, it doesn't matter if im a child back then or I have a pitiful past. If you have morals, you should know that I might've ruined someone else's life forever that carelessly. 

Im not sure if i felt guilty or my mind is telling me that i should be guilty and faked my own guilt. I know I did something bad, and I still don't know what to do. So I just let it go do whatever inside my brain again.

And then, the school ended. It was peaceful again so im sure something will happen again. So I came back to the internet again and escape from all of these shit im experiencing. But somehow, I caught myself remembering another about goddamn trauma or whatever it is that got me stay up all night to cry.

I am the youngest child, the top student, the behaved kid, and I am the favorite child. I was proud of this title as everyone showered me with compliments, I loved attention. I am that annoying spoiled brat. With this, you could guess that my sister, is the opposite of me. 

They always compared us to each other, but I had no qualms because I always win. I hate that. I hate being like that. I hate it, and i just noticed it. I hate it so much. Especially when I saw how many times our mother beaten our sister for the simplest things. And i just stood there, boredly and waiting for the beatings to finish while my sister is crying and fighting back. And I did nothing because i thought she deserved it. I am so annoyed. Even though the beatings dont happened anymore, Im mad. 

And again, if we compare how many bad things i did to the good things i did, its disgusting. My age cannot justify it. I cant justify it. I cant do anything about it. If back then I don't know if im feeling guilty, I for sure know now that I am. But its still the same, i dont know what to do even though I want to do something. I just let them be there again.

This time im not sure if i can manage. How am I supposed to keep living with this burden. Im so angry to myself. 

I wonder if the lockdowns didn't happen, will I still became like this? Will i continue becoming like a spoiled brat then? Becoming a spoiled brat sounds better to be honest, i don't have to think or worry because im ignorant to anything.  I am dumb but happy. 

Well, it doesn't matter anyways because I still have to live like this now for the rest of my life. Thank you and sorry for reading through all of this. It sorts of removed some of the heavy feeling in my chest. That's all thank you again.