Hi all, 

I don't know where to begin to explain the problem. In fact, my mother suffered from depression the year I was born. She committed suicide when I was 4 years old. She disappeared overnight, she was found later in a large waterhole. I remember his disappearance, the concern of my family, but I did not know the exact cause of his death. Being very young, I was just told that she was sick. Time passed and my father started a new life with another woman. A good woman, nice , a little rough and very modest about her feelings. We had a very hard relationship even if it ended up getting better recently. She always made sure I didn't miss anything, but we don't have that famous connection. 

By dint of asking the question and entering adolescence, my father decides to admit to me that my mother committed suicide. I have the impression that since that day something has broken in me. My relationships with women were catastrophic at age of 15. I had to fall in love with one of my high school teachers. A charismatic, intelligent and very beautiful woman. I spent 2 years obsessing over her and started hitting on her. I won't go into details but the situation was delicate for her... being a stupid teenager boy, I had a childish reaction to her rejection. She was trying to find out why she, I didn't even know, she was saying that there were plenty of beautiful girls my age. I had retorted to him that it was not a question of physics but that I found it "hot" nevertheless before slamming the door. I said that to provoke her. She had even confessed to me that she had considered changing establishments in the face of all this. Seeing that I was ridiculous, so I dropped the case. When leaving high school, she had come to say goodbye to me and wanted to salute my courage. 

I happened to have a better chance with girls my age. I mean, I don’t know how I did it, but it turns out I only attracted sad, depressed girls. You should know that I am a very simple person, friendly with others and that I have very little talk about my mother’s story to people because I am ashamed. I walk with my head held high. So I went out with these depressed girls because I liked her in a way, I wanted to help them get better. One of them was schizophrenic and I was ashamed of myself for never being up to the task of helping her overcome. My first sexual relationship was with her. Only when she was naked, her body was covered with self mutilations. My first reaction was to leave because i was petrified. Thinking back to that scene, I'm in really bad shape. Remorseful and truly loving him, we ended up having sex. She ended up being institutionalized and she didn’t want to have any more contact with me.I should have done more for her. 

Another was a drug addict and unsurprisingly I was useless in helping her get better. She also practiced self-mutilation, which still put me in situations of panic and anger. She left me to start a relationship with another woman. Finally, the third Had the reputation of being a mean and impossible girl. She put my hand in her panties and told me she had no boyfriends. which gave me some problems. Because she happens to have one. 

There is a girl who was in love with me and she had many qualities. She was honest, upright, serious, although a little shy. She was always nice which was a little weird. I got in a relationship with her until the day she asked me questions about my family. When I started thinking about my mother's suicide, I was too ashamed of what she might have thought, how she would have seen me so a thought kept coming back : And then after all she finds me what? I didn’t meritate a girl like that ... so I walked away from her. 

Unfortunately in the meantime I started drinking every evening to relieve myself because I feel sad all the time And as if I was powerless to help the women of my life. The idea that I could be depressed too makes me sick, I can't find what I'm looking for, I feel like I'm failing all the time. Seeing my friends have this famous connection with their mother, I don't know how to explain it, it breaks my heart. I hate this depression shit, I'm wasting time. Drinking every night, arriving in trouble at work, putting myself in sordid situations as mentioned above, losing confidence in myself, no longer seeing the light. My father is the complete opposite of my mother. A strong, tough man who does what needs to be done. Despite his wife's suicide, he raised 4 children and never gave up. 

My dearest wish is to look like him, but it's like my mother's blood poisoned me. I happen to have quite a few recurring dreams of my former girlfriends, it's like If they were mixed...situations or dialogues that another would say but not the one who says it... and all this ends in sleep paralysis. 

Attention, I am not suicidal, I could never inflict this pain on my loved ones. My shoulders are heavy enough to live with, only I wish I were a different man. I don't even know how to behave in a romantic relationship anymore so I go to prostitutes. 

 The idea of living alone all my life scares me. I wish I could forgive my mother for her suicide but I can't, she broke my heart and made me waste time with the consequences of her actions on myself. 

I decided to change for the better by reducing alcohol, I took up swimming to clear my mind, I told myself that talking about it could give me some advice. Thank you if you read it all.