It doesn't matter how much you plan, how much you work on it. If the situation arises and you have no control over what you are doing in that moment, you're just going to fall into it. 

One of my major symptoms...or I guess outcomes of BPD was these severe panic attacks that would cause me to believe my delusions and paranoia, and see things. These were what got me back into DBT and into therapy with my now therapist (who is 2000 miles away, suck it Vanessa Carlton)

I was doing really well. Really really well. I was proud of myself. My doctor was. My boyfriend was. The first two weeks of my move were great. No issues. 

Then everything started falling apart. I started doubting my long distance relationship (thus feeling shameful that I couldn't make it work), a lot of stupid things happened that were my fault, started feeling lost, and hopeless, started obsessing over suicide again after 3 months of quiet.

And thinking about all these days in my work day, the panic started to act up. I could feel it build as I started to latch on to each thought. Over analyzing ever aspect, finding every fault, ever mistake. Till my heart was racing, I was seeing stars and tears were brimming. I convinced myself everyone was in on a ploy. I convinced myself that there were secret messages in my life for me. I convinced myself my boyfriend was cheating on me. 

I wanted to go home but I couldn't. I needed the money, and my sick days don't kick in until after my probation. 

So I took ten minutes and went for a walk outside. Tried to calm down the best I could. Did it work? Not really. Did it keep me from seeing my face melting off again? Darn tootin. 

I may have planned out "steps" when I get like this, but when you can't stop what you're doing and focus, you have to find a new way to deal. It's not easy. Sometimes you're going to fail, but you do the best you can. 

I guess I'm just writing this to validate the fact that I tried. And it sucked. But not to be ashamed.

One day at a time.