This fucking condition, it’s a fucking disease which is such a fucking curse. It’s one extreme to another - I’d like to think by now I can control it but recently I think my brain is tricking me and it’s becoming worse. Huge bust up with boyfriend where we both decided if we needed to break up, we’d be way more open to it happening than we were before. Frustrating and obviously as upsetting as that is, I feel like a useless excuse as a person. Applied for more than 30 jobs, not a single interview back. My university degree is no longer interesting to me, I don’t give a fuck about the lessons. What’s the point? I genuinely have lost all my ambitions and will to want to do things and succeed, i’m 18 and express a deep desire to not want to live past my early 20’s, most likely going at 23/24. I’ve been suicidal before, but not to this extreme before, I can’t see the “light at the end of the tunnel”, just extreme darkness pulling, calling me in. And I think now is my time to answer my call.