Anyone else feels really guilty and gets intense fears of letting their employer down and giving them reasons to be disappointed in you/dislike you when calling in sick at work? Just happened to me again and the intensity of my reaction this time is starting to really unsettle me. I realize how fucked up this is, and I'm fairly aware that I'm transferring intense childhood fears into situations like my work that have nothing to do with my childhood anymore. But here's the thing, I'm working a pretty basic job in the service industry at the moment, in a big team of coworkers, and if I miss work my position can be easily replaced by any of my colleagues 1:1, even on short notice. I carry very little individual responsibility for the well-being of the company and of my team. My employer has told me they view me as an exemplary coworker in their team, there has never been so much like a hint of negative feedback for my work and I do feel appreciated as a colleague and as a person with them. There has never been any sign that me missing out on work has been any problem for my employer, it only happens a couple times a year, and I've never been away for more than two weeks at once. Yet I'm getting these crazily intense reactions just when I'm dialing their number and say that I can't come in today, and I'm kind of getting nervous because it does not seem to ease, even though there has consistently been no indication for any real conflict in these situations (I've been working for them for 1.5 years now). I even kind of get some of the dynamics behind it, like about what I learned during childhood and how a lot is coming up now that my therapy is working fairly well, and so on. And yup, patience is always key (ugh. haha), and I'm also aware that I'm still having a looooong road ahead of me. I'm just frustrated sometimes as these feelings of guilt and fear towards my employer really, absolutely are not based in any real evidence. Like, not at all. And I'm afraid they're getting in my way of achieving better for myself, as I don't feel courageous or energetic enough at the moment to strive for a career that would entail more personal responsibility (and would also be better paid, more fun than what I'm doing atm, you get it). I fear these reactions would go through the roof at a job with more responsibility. I imagine a lot of you guys can relate to at least some of that? I'd be really interested to hear some of your stories, how you're coping with these feelings at work, and what has helped you doing better for yourselves in your careers.

For the record, I'm 27yo, male, diagnosed w/BPD about half a year ago, been in therapy a while longer than that. And this has been my first post on this sub! I've been reading for a while now and I'm really genuinely glad I found this community, thanks for sharing what you're sharing on here guys :-)