And I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how much longer I can take it. 
Basically, I went through six months of DBT (group setting)
I've done 40 sessions of RTMS
Right now I'm on the highest dosages of Cymbalta, Remeron, and Luvox. Plus gabapentin which doesn't do shit. 
My psychiatrist gave me ativan which helped. the next week my PCP sent me to chemical dependency recovery program because I kept mixing alcohol with my pills. So now I'm in that for 6 weeks and can't use alcohol, the ativan, or weed. 
I do everything the doctors suggest. 
But I'm alone. obsessing over everything. my only friend who hates me. All I can think about is how much of a fuck up I am. So now i think I'm going to taper myself off of all of my pills. Because it will give me the courage to go away. There's just nothing for me here. So yeah. 