i suffer from avpd and depression and i dont have anyone to talk to abt what i go through and how i feel. it triggers me just to spell out avpd, i hate it so much. i thought i was improving, but things have gone to shit. i'm terrible at expressing myself, and i feel as if im void of emotion completely. i havent cried in god knows how long -- i always feel this lump in my throat like i'm about to, but nothing ever comes of it. at the moment, im feeling more insecure than usual and as a result, im pushing everyone away, which i know only makes things worse but i cant help it. i feel as if they all want me dead. i feel so ugly, inside and out, and i dont know how to deal with it other than starving myself one week and then binge-eating the next. i also am still in love with someone who wants nothing to do with me, and it hurts so fucking much because they were the only one i ever felt truly comfortable around. now i dont know what to do. i feel so lost and alone and hated. im scared of therapy because i dont want them to think my problems are stupid. im so sick of constantly feeling alone. i miss feeling wanted by the one person who made me feel wanted. now i dont even have them. nobody truly wants me in their life, nobody cares if im there or not. im so sick of living in this world of apathy. i just want to feel like im a valued person. i wish this fucking illness wouldnt prevent me from feeling that.