Hi! First time posting here, please be as gentle as possible and apologies if this isn’t the correct flair! 

So I’m (slowly) coming to grips with the fact that I have BPD. I’m more on the “quiet” end (though I’m slowly recognizing more "classic" outward outbursts from across my life that I’ve repressed) and while it’s EXTREMELY difficult to finally face this, it also offers hope because I’d previously just thought that all of my unhappiness boiled down to me being a shit person who was inherently unworthy of love or affection. In any case, it’s been a real trip to go back through my life experience/journals and put some things that never made sense to me into new context – did anyone else have this experience? A few example from me:

1. If a delivery driver was late, I’d blame myself because I probably didn’t tip enough (I tip north of 20% in all circumstances) or my place was too hard to find, or I shouldn’t have even ordered and inconvenienced the poor driver in the first place.

2. A minute-by-minute journal I wrote after a first date. I thought it had gone pretty well and she’d said she’d text me back to schedule our next meet up and then didn’t immediately do so (even though I know it’s stupid to expect that after one fucking date, and she said she was meeting up with friends immediately after). It goes on for TWO hours, over which I convinced myself that I’d completely fucked it up and she obviously hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. Until she finally texted back and said she’d love to see me again (obvi, didn’t work out long-term).

3. So much music and art and poetry that resonated with me on a deep level, even though I couldn’t really articulate why (one that’s really in my head right now: “now it’s been months since she woke up / but she stills dreams of sleep walking / it was so much easier than dealing / and starting over is too hard”)

4. Understanding why I would fall for girls so hard so quickly, yet find myself losing interest after only a couple of weeks. 

5. Why I never felt successful even though I had all the outward trappings of success (save for a relationship, could never REALLY manage those) – good job, successful in my field, etc.

Anyways I’m still coming to grips with it, and while it’s fucking excruciating to post this on some levels, I’ve been reading through this sub for the last little bit and knowing I’m not alone in struggling with this truly means the world to me.