Mentions of health anxiety, cancer, death, grief. 

My sister's friend died a week ago. I knew her for over 10 years, and I'm taking it pretty hard. Externally, I think maybe even worse than her (in terms of crying. I can't even talk about it without tearing up, and I'm crying as I type this). She was the sweetest, kindest, most innocent girl who did not deserve to go in this way. After her diagnosis I slowly developed a health anxiety. I would get intrusive thoughts about every ache, and googled symptoms. I would hound my family about every cough and soon I would have regular days that would randomly be hijacked by vivid images of my family dying. Basically I was walking around with the pain of grief, without anyone dead. Then I got covid. It's like I was living in a nightmare. I thought I would lose my parents and be left all alone. I didn't sleep for days. But slowly I started improving. I recovered mentally. I visited the friend to drop off some goodies. My mum said she barely kept it together. Then, months go by, and suddenly we get the news. I can still hear the sound of my sister crying out. My brain is in a fog and still hasn't accepted the fact that shes gone. didn't think I could handle the viewing, and I was advised not to go. But after, I was told that maybe I should have went. I couldn't go to the funeral and I'm destroyed inside for not going to the viewing. I've been pretty good with not crying for the past 2 days, but I've been on the edge and nonstop thinking about it, and lost it just now. My problem is that it is as if I have been grieving for every person possible. I have had thoughts, images, and emotions as if I'm the parents of the friend, as if I'm the sister of the friend, as if I'm my sister, as if I'm my mum (who also was incredibly heartbroken), I have been nonstop thinking of everything that she will miss in life. Of how cruelly her life was taken, of how she must have felt a week before. Of how incredibly saint of a girl will never exist again. Reliving the moment I heard my sister cry out when she got the news, of how she described how she saw her friend so done, etc etc etc. Anyway, I thought I had it under control, but I know I would have bawled if I went to the viewing, but that it might have been an important step to accept reality, since my brain still refuses to accept she is gone. Im kicking myself over missing it. But now when I thought I was doing better, I can still hear her voice and see her face, and just lose it. I'll just exist and suddenly get "she's gone" thoughts and die a bit inside. I have been having continuous anxiety attacks. My family will come by and keep asking me why I'm in a bad mood. And I don't know if I'm imagining it but it's almost as if they're confused why I'm still crying. Now according to Google symptoms, I have every illness. I spend my waking hours scared of finding sudden aggressive cancer. Everywhere I look on Reddit, everyone is mentioning cancer. I don't know what else to write I'm sorry to anyone who reads this garbage to the end, and thank you.