I've always been fucked up, had my ups and downs, but I used to actually be interested in stuff. I had a lot of friends. I used to be funny. I had ambitions. I read books.

As of now, I have a good job and finally my own apartment, but my relationships, that always were problematic, are now shit. I'm feeling more and more like I just pretend that I know what I'm doing at work, and that I'm getting stupider by the day. 

I used to love cooking and eating good food. Now it's just a necessary evil. I used to love sex, not always in a healthy way, but now I almost always want to avoid it.

Of course I could just be depressed, but I've been depressed countless times before, and I'm not sure that it's it. It feels like I'm losing touch with reality. That my cognitive abilities have peaked, and that I now can't do anything more than just trying to stay above the surface. 

I'm not suicidal, haven't been for some time. I've been trying a lot of different meds, and I see a therapist regularly. Sometimes I think that giving all of that up might restore my mind somewhat. I have no clue as for how to go on with my life.