I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety since I was eight years old, but it's never been as bad as it has been recently. I am a high schooler in America, going back to public school next year after two years of isolated homeschool—and junior year of all years I could've gone back. All I've heard about school since I left was drugs, overdoses, death, fights, shootings, exhaustion—it just started to click in my head how dangerous it truly is to go back. 

That's how all of this elevated overthinking began. It's caused me to think about my life and the fact that it might end, and it's appearing at the most inconvenient times. It's the worst when I'm about to go to sleep, I often have to blare music and keep a fan on to even slightly keep my head quiet. I've been kept up for days on end because I was too scared to sleep, to start thinking about it all again. 

Even right now, I'm awake at 4am writing this to get it off my chest. Stupid things keep triggering these long threads of thoughts. It literally started with the thought, "it'd suck to be blind." And moved onto "I couldn't see if I was blind. How could that ruin my life?", "I already have glasses, what if I'm blind in the future?", "I'd be old, right?", "I'm scared to get old.", "when will I die?", " What will be my last thoughts when i die?", " How will I die? " 

It simply just became this trail of questions until I opened my eyes, sat up in bed, and turned the lamp back on. 

I just want to sleep, but it's not like there's a switch to turn it all off.