Everyday feels like a chore. The most pleasant times of the day are when I'm asleep and not conscious and if that's the case then having that he my life forever would be the best thing for me I'd suppose. I don't want to kill myself as it would likely bring sadness to my family but it's getting tougher to keep trying to get through these days. I no longer feel like I'm living, just simply surviving because I have to for others. 

I've lost motivation in college, I feel like I no longer connect with people anymore, everyday is just my head putting myself down or even telling me to off myself and even the things I enjoyed (the distractions) as I call them don't even bring me any real joy anymore. If it wasn't due to the immense guilt I'd feel upsetting people I would have stopped trying years ago. 

Thank you for letting me vent this all out, it doesn't solve the issue but maybe it's the start to getting to the solution I don't know anymore.