I’m so depressed, but I’m still functioning so on the outside it looks like everything is fine. It’s not. I’m ignoring my friend’s texts and they’re angry and unforgiving. My apartment has become a pit of despair, it’s not dirty but just so cluttered and unkempt. I don’t have it in me to do anything differently. It takes absolutely all of my emotional energy to do the basics and go to work, by the time I get home every day I’m too exhausted to do anything else. I’ve gained so much weight. I live in a beautiful area and used to bike and walk and be so active and fit and I can’t find it in me to do those things anymore. The things I loved. Now my life is work, scrolling on my phone until I fall asleep, and binge drinking myself through the weekends. I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t like this two years ago. I don’t know if it’s the drinking or work or my ex but I’m just a shell of the happy, vibrant, fun person I was not too long ago. I had a horrible experience with a psychiatrist when I was younger. I haven’t been medicated for a very long time and have had no mental health issues until now. I’m afraid of antidepressants but I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should just be able to fix this on my own, ya know? Like I know there are people who suffer from so much worse. A messy apartment and lack of energy seem so small in comparison but to me they feel like massive black holes sucking the life out of me. 

I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in my life about any of this. I don’t want to. I’m the strong friend. Im the happy one, the fun one, the one who gives advice and usually has healthy habits and boundaries and a positive outlook on life, I don’t want anyone to think differently about me. I don’t want to think differently about myself. I have so many amazing people in my life and I feel so alone every second of every day. I just can’t be the strong one anymore. I feel like I’m. Being crushed, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all the time. 

I don’t know why I’m putting this here. I just needed to get this all out there. I went through a rough breakup six months ago and at my lowest point I admitted to a friend that I was sleeping on the couch every night because I couldn’t bear to sleep in my bed alone and he gave me a pep talk that got me through so I guess I’m hoping putting this on the internet and seeing it through a different perspective might motivate me to do something to change things. Idk. Thanks for reading this internet friends, I hope you’re all having beautiful Saturdays it’s so nice out here.