ive stopped eating, i haven't been sleeping, i havent washed my clothes in a month, i'm cutting, i get intoxicated when i can, ive been smoking alot, and im okay with all of it.
it seems like if there's one thing i can do, its fuck things up for myself, so might as well ball out. i dont know if ill live long enough to face the repercussions anyway. 
every interaction i have with somebody, whether it be a roomate, a friend, or even a loved one is incredibly disingenuous. i wear a fake smile, i pretend like im not being torn up constantly, because i have no idea how to talk about it. i think part of my slipping into old habits its out of hoping someone notices and says something. my therapist stopped contacting me to set up our appointments (weve had phone sessions since i moved to the city but ive heard nothing for three weeks) out of spite i havent made an effort to contact him either, which is pretty fucking stupid of me. i just feel incredibly alone, ive never been fully open with someone in my entire life. i know my friends struggle with depression, but we've never talked about it, we only ever get high and watch youtube in silence. i do have one friend whose out of state that i might be able to talk to, but i wont see them until the end of april. my roommates have been going out every night so im left alone, usually mindlessly scrolling instagram or masturbating so that i forget about wanting to hurt myself. i dont even like sex anymore, i was hooking up with a guy on campus and after like an hour i was never able to finish. i wish i could just sleep (or die) but i lie awake in bed for hours at night, staring at my own eyelids (and the idea of hurting my mom has been enough to keep me away from suicide for years). i have an idea of the person i would like to be, but i am so tired i can barely even try to be her. id like to hear from anyone going through similar situations, im not really looking for advice, i mostly just wrote this to give me something to do that i wont hate myself for.