I just lost my best friend. She is married, and we drunkenly kissed back in May, it didn’t go any further, even though she really didn’t seem happy and was telling me she loved my eyes and voice, I was the only one who could make her laugh and I she was always happy with me...and that she wasn’t happy at home. She said she had no romantic interest in me.

I eventually told her I loved her. I told someone else at work I had feelings for her and she got mad that I betrayed her trust by talking about it.

So I bombarded her with messages apologising for it all. Pretended I’d overdosed, but not because of her, pretended I had upcoming surgery for an AVM and was just scsred. anything I could do to get her to talk to me...and she didn’t respond to any of it. Blocked me and now I’ve lost her forever.

I can’t  control it. It’s like an impulse, I’m so scared of being alone and losing anyone close to me that I try anything to stop it.

I did this with my ex. It was intense, short relationship and I took her to Europe. She was so excited and talked about marrying me and having kids, the. had a breakdown first night. I looked after her and we flew home early, then she dumped me a month after we came home asaying there was no attraction, after I’d took care of her.

So again, I lied. Said my Dad hadn’t been suicidal and I’d been going through a lot to try and ‘explain’ why I had been withdrawn (real reason was because of how she was abroad crying all the time for ten days and it shocked me because I loved her so much). Then eventually I told her I had an AVM and needed surgery or I wouldn’t have much time. She accused me if harassment at work because I’d sent a letter to her house (management said this was overblown and had little merit...I wasn’t in touch with her that much and she did lie by saying I was waiting for her in corridors at work, I think she had BPD which is how I discovered it), so THEN I had to pretend I had surgery in my three month downtime cause I was scared of people knowing I lied, came back to work with cane and eyepatch and everyone believed me. Everyone. Wrote articles for work magazine about it.

I can’t really stop it. I am normally just ‘normal’ until I get close to someone, then lose them and I just act irrationally and can’t stop myself. I push them away and they hate me. My ex...wanted to have kids after one date. My best friend...said I was special and different after knowing me a month. They think I’m wonderful, then I mess it up.

How do I stop this? I normally just care about people and want them to be happy, like to volunteer and give back to people, then something flips and I get so scared to lose them I try ANYTHING.

I really miss my best friend too, I thought it was finally someone who wouldn’t leave.

I lied so much, have to stop myself from actually thinking the things I lie about actually happened. That don’t have a tragic past that explains why I’m like who I am. Makes me feel like a piece of shit, why would anyone want to know me. Two people who said I was special never stuck around even for a year.