Hey guys, i have been suffering with anxiety now for around 10 years, that underlying sense of doom, and even panic attacks where my eyes go funny and i need to run away. All of these things i have learned to deal with, educated myself on every aspect of anxiety.... see, i am a thinker (as we all are) i need to understand 'Why' otherwise, i am in a state of turmoil.  
My anxious thoughts were under control, i always knew that i 'worried' about my heart after my dad passing when i was 18 years old from a heart attack but it was never anything that escalated into an obsession until the beginning of 2020.  


I was 27 at the end of 2019, a smoker, a plasterer and i was carrying 25kg bags of plaster up stairs all day, plasterboards , buckets of water and slinging those about day in and day out no problem. I was also an avid gymgoer at the time, so my fitness wasnt bad, if only i wasnt a smoker right?   


When i was on a job in january of 2020 , the owners were smokers, and often invited me into the kitchen of their home (while i was working in the roof) for a smoke and a coffee, oh yeah. i drank so much coffee too. I was carrying on with my day to day buisness inbetween. The task this day was to carry a delivery of plaster bags, those 25kg ones, up 2 flights of stairs... 45 of them. As i was drawing to a finish , i realised a strange sensation, i was HYPER aware of my heartbeat for a few seconds after climbing the stairs accompanied by what i described as 'blood like oil' it felt like my heart was struggling to pump the blood around my body.... "OK ....... i might need to think about stopping this smoking jargon, i am pushing 30 after all" is what i was thinking at the time and shrugged the thought off, but little did i know that this was the beginning of an overthinking NIGHTMARE.  


About 7 months has passed , it is late october, nearing my 28th birthday, lockdown had happened in march , and work had continued steadily for me, luckily i was alone with a plentiful supply of british gypsum multi finish. I was at work doing the usual , perhaps a little more stressed than before as a few clients were breathing down my kneck to get things done before the end of summer when i noticed this 'oily blood' feeling which i had back in January.  Behind the scenes for the last 7 months i had been really trying hard to stop smoking, with 2 attempts under my belt already, this was my 3rd and i was 3 weeks in. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, I HAVE STOPPED SMOKING" was what my brain was saying for the entire rest of the day with my heart beating in my throat (no quicker or slower, just really really hard). Another day was to go by, and this time this 'oily blood' feeling was constant, not only when i exherted my self but ALL THE TIME. The only time it wasnt happening was when i slept, so thats what i did, alot.  


Early September 2020 and my heart was still constanly beating out of my throat, my blood felt thicker than it had ever felt and just to throw a spanner in the works, my heart had started skipping beats as it felt, almost an entire fortnight had passed (2 weeks) with no break in this terrible experience . i was going to die, i just know it . i had not been to work for the last 4 or 5 days due to having panic attacks at night when it was time to sleep. The worst part of all of this is that i understand anxiety, i get the principle, i understand that there is disorder in my mind , but i was questioning if this was anxiety at all, i was meditating i was eating right, i had stopped smoking . all of the things needed to 'calm my mind' and give myself a fighting chance with this. But nothng was happening, my panic attacks felt as though they were all rolling into one big panic attack which has lasted for a week by this point.  Doctors .... CBT .... These are the last things i could think of , and with a push from a loved one, these are the two routes i decided to take simultaniousley.  


So the doctor had prescribed me Beta Blockers and my cbt was well underway with weekly sessions, this brings us to mid november and the worst and most horrific time has seemed to have passed, the beta blockers had stopped the pounding heart although it felt like my anxiety was playing games with the tablets and fighting against their effects, throwing in a few heart flutters for good measure. CBT was great, it had brought me to terms with a few issues in my life which i never thought were actually issues. Things were looking good . it was easing , i knew that i had to take a tablet every morning . and keep my mind tidy by organising my life a little more . things were definatley not over , but they certainly were better , i was still assesing every single physical symptom to arise in my body and putting in over to the other side of my brain to keep an eye on... an evergrowing pile it seems.  


Christmas / New Year 2020, i had gone back to work to get some cash for over the holidays which was scary , honestly, those with anxiety will understand here, i need not go into too much detail but it was scary as HELL , i felt poorly and the hour long drive to work seemed to last forever, but i had my Propanolol and once i actually got into it, things were pretty good, christmas was good and the physical symptoms had finally gone !  New year was a blast (as much as it could be)  and on the 4th (today) back to work, Nice, new year, new me and all that jazz. There is hope . at least i think there is, today i had a heart flutter out of the blue totally which lasted a minute or two , no sign of anxiety or anything like that beforhand, but now im worried slightly all over again , so i decided to write this , to share, and to hopefully help some of you guys reading. it has made me feel better and one thing i have realised, is that when i decided to stop getting involved with anxiety (stopped refering it as, 'my anxiety' and stopped paying attention to it). It actually really does get better. Help yourself , take a look at your life, get help, speak, and realise that anxiety may just be your body and mind saying that you are unhappy with something. Who really knows what anxiety is caused by and each indivual is different, but this has been my little insight (which has only just touched the surface) 

Thankyou for reading   


Yours ,   
Josh.