I had cobbled together some sort of confidence over the last year. I've managed to control my worst impulses and anger. Changed how I view myself. I've cleaned up, gotten in good shape, and I dress well and enjoy messing with fashion. I've been single for 5 years and thought maybe I'll just try this online thing because shits getting really mundane.

I consider(ed) myself attractive. I've been told I'm handsome and have pretty decent pictures. Now, after a few weeks of doing the online thing im starting to think maybe...maybe everyone just lied to me because they feel bad. Maybe, when I look at pictures and the mirror what I see isn't actually real, what other people see. Maybe my brain just makes me appear decent looking to myself to protect me from the harsh reality. But I've had relationships before with people who found me attractive but...I had more personality back then.

I don't know. Im shattered. How is it possible that not a single person in the most populated area of the country finds me interesting? I feel like that episode of How I Met Your Mother (back when it was OK) where Ted Mosby tried online dating and went to a consultant when he had this problem and she basically concluded that, yeah, dude, it looks like there's no one out there for you. Mathematically. 

It's okay to be alone. I just....I just wanted a companion like I used to have. For five years I've been cooking for just me, baking for just me, hiking and running alone, watching movies alone. I have friends but they all have their others and careers and are often unavailable.

Im back to wondering if ending life on my terms is better than living another 30-50 years the way I've lived my last 5. 

I don't know how to not let my experience with these apps destroy me