I notice that mentally my defense mechanisms are no longer helpful. 

The feelings associated with them present themselves differently in different dynamics. 

When I’m with someone avoidant, I put on a crazy/hard to get face from the beginning to push them away. I do not show them my good side, even from the beginning. I sabotage so they will leave from the start. We usually do not get much further into anything significant after the initial chase and them “catching” me even the tiniest bit. I’m also really defensive and rude bc these types of people think my harder side is an invitation to “chase”. I show the real me in very, very small increments but usually it ends quickly to a combination of my behaviors that actually do push them away. 

When I’m with someone clingier, I literally am so smothered, I have to end things. I’m not often with clingy or anxious people because I can’t take them. 

When I’m with someone secure, I don’t show the “unstable” side. But the whole time, I feel such anxiety and want to end things because I feel like they don’t know me. I just slowly back up even if I care about them and have a connection. I don’t want to talk about things or expose myself.  I just hide basically. 

So either using masks and fighting/pushing away, not ever getting involved, or hiding. 

Either way, I’m always fucking alone. The very thing I’m trying so hard to avoid.