What's wrong with me that I can't feel at all? I can't feel close to anyone? I feel no depth of connection, I feel no ties to any passion or material things, I feel like I am half in this world and half out of it? I am numb in the body mind and spirit. I want to die because I am deprived of the human experience. I feel no connections to anyone despite desperately wanting to feel connected. I have no love life, no friendship, and no passion anymore. I'm 21F and I feel like I am dead inside that my personality and soul has already died some time ago. Like my job here is done and I am expired. I feel damaged beyond repair and I have not even experienced life. I have no idea how this happened, only that I have been aware of my defect since I was a kid. This inward realization has led to a lot of self criticism and self sabotage.

Since before I can remember, I have felt my emotions- specifically positive ones- were muted/not developed/suppressed. This led to a lot of questions as a teenager. Why can't I feel positive emotion? Why can't I feel love/belonging? Why can't I feel warmth? What is happiness? Is happiness supposed to feel empty and numb? Why is sadness my default? I recognize when I should feel joy, when I should laugh, but I never feel it internally. Positive displays of emotion are void of sincerity. I am truly a shell of a human existence, and it escapes me on how to heal something I appear to have been born with. As early as 5 years old I recall crying myself to sleep, feeling nostalgic, hyperaware of time passing so much so that it was physically painful The only solution that doctors have come up with has been to take antidepressants. After trying a few, my anhedonia only got worse. My emotional experience is largely mechanic except for the negatives. I feel negative, and I only "feel" emotion along the negative side of the spectrum. Sometimes I induce a negative situation / stressful situation on myself just so I can feel again... Sometimes I feel so numb that I need to feel sad or think of sad memories in order to feel anything. I told this to a social worker I am talking to the other day and her response was "That sounds like a miserable existence. I can imagine that feels like hell on earth." I literally broke down and cried after the phone call. I wish I could feel the palette of emotions. I wish I felt human, but I realize more and more that I never have.