Hi, I'm sorry if this is morbid,

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, even as a little kid. I've been to years and years of therapy, I've tried different therapists and different meds. I've been in a mental hospital. I've been struggling with suicidal idealations and attempts for years. I'm exhausted from it all and I don't know why I continue to live but things have been different in my life this past year. 

My health is declining, I'm seeing doctor after doctor and getting test after test and there aren't solutions or solid results. Its sort of just like "live with it" kind of medical issues and chronic pain. Things have been getting even worse in the past few months and I'm starting to get nervous or scared about what if these medical issues kill me. Which is weird for me, I've always wanted to die. I've lived in a way that would be considered possibly risky because I don't care if something kills me. But the thing is, I don't want to die from some medical shit, I wanna die on my own terms. I want to be able to tell things to people when I need to before I die and if I die unexpectedly of medical issues, I won't be able to do that. Like am I to just write letters for if I do die during surgery? Do you know the guilt that people carry when they weren't able to say their last words to someone? I do. I've had the love of my life kill themselves, I've lost a ridiculous amount of friends and extended family. Its so excruciatingly painful when you can't tell them that you're sorry, or that you love them, or just goodbye. I don't want to cause people that pain and guilt that they could have if I died unexpectedly. Like for fucks sake can I just live through this medical stuff so I can talk to the people in person before I die. 

I just really needed to vent about this, there isn't much to be said to comfort me or remedy this situation. If anyone is in a similar situation and wants to express how they feel or things that they are doing then please share. 
Thank you for listening.