So to start this off, I wanna preface that I *think* I’m an okay person, just not very good at communicating which leads me to my awful behavior. I’d appreciate no comments telling me how terrible I am lol (I already know). Sorry for awful grammar and erratic post, I’m on medication that makes me super jittery.

I cannot keep a friend. I am very mean when I dislike someone. For the first few weeks or so I am super nice and don’t even have to try to put on an act, but I almost always end up slipping. The only person I am consistently nice to is my boyfriend.

I’ve known all this for a long time, but finally realized when I was being mean to my bf, which like never happens. It was because we were spending time apart and I kind of “forgot” I love him. Like I know I love my boyfriend and I know H is my boyfriend, but I couldn’t put those two things together and be like I love H. I don’t know if that makes sense, it does it’s my head.

We spent the night together and I kind of snapped out of it and realized how much I love and care for him. My stress is way down, but I’m still at a loss on how to be nice to other people (especially ones I don’t exactly like).

I just say such insensitive things. My humor is dark and these things are okay around K (one of my few current friends) because she’s very similar to me. Not to get into too many details as to not trigger it hurt anyone, but I joke about things such as racism, BLM, suicide, mental health, etc.

We even have a joke about how no one can tell if I’m being serious because the tone of my voice is just so off. For example, I was raped in the past and will sometimes bring it up or talk about it and they always thinking I’m joking. I also am mixed but am like 100% white passing, so often I am told stuff like there’s no way I’m black/mixed and I sound like a typical valley girl/whitest girl ever.

I think this stuff stems from my insecurities about being mixed and trauma or whatever so I try to make light of it. But I always just end up being straight up mean or making others uncomfortable. It’s just so dumb, like I just say whatever pops into my head and struggle to stop. I literally have no regard for others and only regret my decisions when I’m lonely and friendless. My only other friend besides K is a guy who doesn’t speak English, so there’s a language barrier that makes it very easy to be nice. Like to the point where I barely have to try.

I literally have no sense of common courtesy or self control. I also suck at talking to people and am usually very cold and mean to talk to. My boyfriend hates the way I speak to my mother but I just feel so uncomfortable that I end up being a bitch bc of anxiety or something. It’s so awful because my mom is super nice and helpful and can start super long conversations with anyone and everyone. She is so likable and so was my grandmother!

I also tend to lie a lot, mostly about stupid things. 

Maybe I am actually just a bitch and am trying to pretend like I’m a good person who’s misunderstood or something.

Sorry for huge rant/post, but

TLDR: How can I stop being mean or at least fake being nice? 

If it helps, I’m BPD, high functioning ASD (most of the time :3) and possibly agoraphobic according to my therapist.