To start off, I've dealt with overall sadness, hating myself/my life, excessive crying &amp; intense anger to the point I'll punch something or hurt myself since I was 12. When I turned 16, I noticed I was empty and didn't have any emotions. I'm now 18 and after dealing with alcohol abuse when I was 17, excessive mdma intake when I was 16, and on and off self-harm I really want to change.

Lately, I've noticed a lot of things; both new and old. Like more frequent self-harm and trying to go as deep and painful as I can, very intrusive thoughts (especially thoughts of suicide which I've had before but never this intense), more "overreacting", less motivation and more emptiness. For example, my mum said no to me doing something and it was small and I understood her reasoning &amp; agreed with it later but during it, I felt so shit, so angry and the suicidal thoughts crept in deeper like genuinely thought about if I should die or not and I self-harmed over it. It was something so small but it riddled me, like I couldn't shake it and I jumped down a rabbit hole of "you wouldn't have to deal with this if you were dead." I've had paranoid around my friends when they won't reply quickly and an impulse to just block them, or to take more hard drugs and asking around for them, or fantasies about how I'd attempt suicide. And the emptiness is awful. I've also recently had an awful eating pattern, where I'm obsessed with the calories in food and it's always in the back of my mind to limit them and I'll use laxatives. Sometimes I drink and my mind tells me it's okay to eat what I want so I do, but straight after the voices will tell me I shouldn't have ate that and then I find myself trying to throw it up. I get paranoid and think that my mind is trying to make me eat less not only to feel more confident but also so that it can weaken my body &amp; strength to the point where I won't be able to fight off the voices and I'll end up so weak that I'll do something bad to myself, if that makes sense. I'm considered "underweight" as I'm like 49/50kgs with a height of 173cm but when I look in the mirror, I can't see it, all I can see is the weight I could lose around my stomach. 

Last year, I was in high school and I experienced this super elevated period and I told my school counsellor about it, and she knew about my history of some things (I had an alcohol &amp; drugs counsellor at the time, too) and she suggested I tell my doctor so I did. My doctor referred me to the public health system in my country and I met with two counsellor/nurses to discuss what was going on and then I met with one of them and a psychiatrist. My mum had to be present during it. Eventually, since I was 18 during the last visit &amp; technically didn't qualify for the youth mental health system, the psychiatrist told me his evaluation. He said that he couldn't be clear regarding a diagnostic profile but he suspected dysthymia (long-term depression) and said I had a probability of developing bipolar disorder. (I will always remember the way he emphasised that I had a probability, not a possibility of developing it.) He just suggested I go visit the counsellor at my university campus if it gets any worse. 

It's gotten really bad now like with everything I do. I hate it so much. Before, my thoughts of suicide &amp; death were less intrusive (still intrusive but to the point I could kinda shrug it off) but now they keep latching and I had always told my counsellors before that truthfully I didn't think I'd go through with it but now I'm not so sure. And it's over the smallest things sometimes. 

I read about "quiet" bpd and it fits me so well and describes a lot of the things I experience in my daily life. Obviously I'm not trying to self diagnose but I really do think I need help. I'm planning to get some sort of help after quarantine, when I'm back at my university campus so I can have an appointment/s without my mum becoming suspicious. However, I've been wondering if it's best to see a psychiatrist first to hopefully get some sort of diagnosis and help (and maybe suggestion of good counsellors/therapists in my area?) or to see a therapist first. I've also been wondering how I'd bring up the topic of bpd? Like with the DSM-5 I meet the criteria but my mind just feels like it'll sound like I'm faking it if I mention it first and then suddenly meet a lot of criteria. It could be a number of things to explain everything but I figured I'd ask here to get some advice about which one I should see. Thank you heaps in advance and I'm really trying to start to improve my life and myself :) xx