Okay so, I have been diagnosed with ADHD, Depression and Anxiety. I also have had a history of dealing with horrible things by not dealing with them. I just want to see if anyone else is like this or if it’s correlated to ADHD. 

My dog was put down two days ago. He was my absolute best friend, my baby and my rock. I got him when I was ten, and I’m now 25 so he has been with me through quite a few life stages. He was with me for more than half of my life. I love this dog more than absolutely anything and I would always cry even thinking about the possibility of him dying. 

He was 15 and had a very aggressive disease, and me and my mother both decided on Sunday night that we would make an appointment with a vet for Monday night to come to our house and put him down in the comfort of his home. 

We made his last day VERY special. 
We gave him all of the naughty treats he hasn’t been allowed to have, spent an hour and a half at the dog park where he had the absolute best time, and then snuggled with him until the vet came. 

Now…the moment itself was very traumatic to say the least. I have never experienced loss before, and even though logically I knew he was going to be put down, deep down I guess I didn’t really believe it. When the vet finally arrived, me and mum were both sobbing our hearts out. I wanted so badly to cancel the appointment and keep him safe with me for a bit longer, but he would probably only last a few more days in even more pain. 

It didn’t really completely sink in until the vet gave him the sedative and he dropped down into his bed. The sedative injection hurt him, and he yelped even after the syringe was removed. We fed him cheese to make him happy until the sedative kicked in mere seconds later. Seeing him drop down and become sleepy from the sedative was very alarming, and had me crying so much. Once he was given the last jab, I watched the life drain from his eyes. His eyes didn’t close completely and his tongue was hanging out. It was the most upsetting sight I’d ever seen. I sobbed and sobbed over and over again, and I couldn’t help but feel so guilty and like I’d betrayed my best friend. I was filled with so much regret that I had chosen for this to happen to him.

I cried for the rest of the night. I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t get the image of his poor little empty face out of my mind. I was in hell.
Yesterday I couldn’t eat and got out of bed very late in the day, which is weird for me. I was completely destroyed. 

But then my boyfriend came over and spent time with me…and I felt almost completely fine for the couple of hours he was over? No crying, no sick feeling in my stomach, nothing. I felt happy in fact. 

When I woke up today, I had the feelings of dread for a few hours. But then I spent about four hours looking up DIY projects for pet memorabilia to cherish his memory, but this whole time I felt basically nothing. I was just focused on the task with no sad emotion. Weird?
I’ve been able to distract myself with things today and it’s like I’m over the grieving or something. I still have short moments of “oh my god what have I done, my baby is gone”…but then I can distract myself and feel completely fine? What’s with that?

I feel guilty because this dog means SO much to me, and here I am playing a video game completely distracted and feeling fine. What the hell??

Even that horrible image of his empty droopy face that tormented me yesterday…is harder to visualise now? It’s only been two days!

Is this some form of disassociation? Is my brain choosing to believe that nothing actually happened? Is it because he’s “out of sight out of mind”? Is it a trauma response that’s trying to black out that memory that haunted me so much?

Don’t get me wrong, if I look at his fur clippings that I took or really try to think about Monday, I do breakdown and cry and become filled with regret and grief all over again…but why is it so easy for me to distract myself?