But it’s not. You ever contemplate suicide but always come to the realization you’re just not that stupid? This seems to be a cycle for me. My adult life is a direct mirror of my childhood with a different set of characters. My dad was abusive, my mom was passive aggressive. I watched my siblings get beaten and one get ‘crowned.’ (By that I mean praised and rewarded constantly.) I watched all of this as a young child knowing one of these outcomes was to be me next. Luckily I didn’t get my bearings until I was in middle school. “My dad broke our dishwasher with my back while my mom wasn’t home, told her I broke it and we need a new dishwasher”. Just as an example… Fortunately when I was 15 my parents got divorced. 2nd best thing that happened in my life. Should’ve happened a long time before that. 
Anyway, now I’m adult. I did a lot of drugs and rebellious things in my late teens and early 20’s. Came to the early realization I could trust no one I thought I could trust. Relationships fell apart. The usual. But then I met a girl. Not my type of wife. Got her pregnant. Leading to the 1st best thing in my life. My son, he changed me from a wild boy with no direction to a man that needed to get his life straight. We were on welfare and struggling but I was determined. Then she got pregnant again with my daughter. I got fixed, I had what I wanted for kids, boy and girl. I succeeded in my endeavor to become a father figure. Someone my kids could look up to. 
But then… i cheated. I got bored of my ex wife and left her and my kids. Following some distorted dream of happiness because I felt so unhappy. Thinking this unhappiness is what destroyed my parents. I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t want to put my kids through the things I went through. Although knowing I would never beat my kids. 
So I bought a house with a girlfriend. I’m where I should be in life, I should be happy, carefree. But my girlfriend cheated on me, I took her back. She’s just as selfish as I am. I feel that this is gods punishment for the decisions I’ve made. He is showing me the pain I’ve pushed on to others. I am forever damaged by my own decisions and I have no idea how to fix what I’ve created. Getting back with my ex is not the answer, I want my kids back. This pain and hurt I feel everyday is a vicious cycle of what my parents created and the decisions I made to be free of that pain. But it seems I’m never free of this pain. Now I’m 30 and I’m just as lost as the teenage me. Financially successful but it means nothing. Worked so hard to be free of all this hurt but it follows.