Hey

I’m struggling with severe depression and focus problems from 2 years now. I’ve been trying to find help with numerous doctors, who prescribed me numerous drugs, here’s the list of drugs I’ve been taking last 2 years: 

-sertralne (didn’t worked, made my wiener unusable)
-bupropion (worked for maybe few days, then stopped, upped my libido)
- after adhd diagnosis Ritalin LA up to 50mg, didn’t worked for my will of life 
-escitalopram (again, felt even more stupid, useless wiener)
-escitalopram + bupropion (nothing that would bring me back to life and bring my motivation back) 
-vortioxetine + bupropion (felt less stupid, but still depressed and unmotivated) 
-vortioxetine + atomixetine (these two worked wonders for about 3 weeks, I was alive and happy again, but then just stopped working)
-moclobemide (like previous, worked wonders at the start, then stopped working)
-tianeptine + concerta (was motivated a bit more, had more energy, was able to focus, but still depressed)
-bupropion + atomoxetine (current mix, not working, but I’m a very short period of time on it)

So the main clue is that I feel that my “adventures” with prescribed drugs was some kind of a rollecoaster. They were switched by the docs so frequently and aggressively, like “you’re taking something for 3 weeks and still feel down? There, stop it cold turkey and take this one from now on”, or “medication you’re taking stopped working even if you’re on the highest possible dose? No problem, cold turkey and take another ones from now on”

Like, I feel that I’m more fucked up than I was when I reached for help for the first time 2 years ago. I can’t work, I can’t go out, I can’t smile, I can’t force myself to stop thinking about ending this, I’m so fucking tired. My biggest fear is losing my job, wife which I worked a long time to reach where I am today. And because of my depression I will lose it 100%. 

The funniest part now is that my doc wanted to add another med to my current mix (bupro + atomo). After a week taking he asked how do I feel, ofc I told him that nothing changed, and my suicidal ideation is getting stronger every day, and it’s with me every day, all day. So, how my doc would react for it? LETS ADD PREGABALIN AND DULOXETINE. 

I mean, what the fuck, my brain is a jello right now, even to write this I had to fucking force myself to find any words. I’m too tired of it, I can’t take another 2 drugs (that would be 4 in total) and take their side effects. I don’t want to treat this shit anymore, I could swear that whole “treating process” fucked me up even worse. I think I can’t do this anymore, so many meds, so many attempts, it looks like there is no hope for me, for I’ve been trying pretty every type of medication. 

I just want to end this.