tw: mention of attempted suicide

it sounds stupid but please dont judge lol. 

ive always struggled with mood swings in the past. i was treated for it by taking different medications such as invega, lithium, latuda, etc but I have been off medication for a while. (since about august2021). 

yesterday i smoked a nic vape. i didn't feel much of an affect, which was weird considering i took about ten puffs and it was supposedly highly concentrated nic, but i felt completely normal. i used to smoke cigs in the past (when i was 14-15, im 17 now) so I'm familiar with the feeling of a "nicotine rush" but this time i felt nothing at all. i was kinda bummed out but i went to bed for the day. 

for reference, for the past six months or so I've been "stable". meaning i don't have any major mental health issues and ive been functioning well (at least in my definition). i have very fleeting moments of sadness but they're brief and meaningless; never a cause for concern. 

but this morning was different. i woke up feeling so fucking shitty. my mind was so foggy and i felt so sluggish than ever before. i never formed an addiction to nicotine; i never had the urge to smoke cigs, i only smoked in the past as a recreational hobby so when i quit it was extremely easy and i never looked back. im saying this because i don't know how nicotine can cause withdrawal-like symptoms if i never became addicted to them in the first place.

but anyways, all day ive been crying nonstop. my eyes are painfully swollen now and i can hardly see. im so fucking depressed. i havent felt emotions like this since the first time i tried to commit suicide, which was before i was medicated. i havent eaten all day and now i cant even sleep; its 2am and i have to take an exam for school later. my hands are shaking and i can hardly see what im typing rn because im still crying hard asf. it's like all of the progress ive made from therapy and medication was all for nothing. my emotions keep coming in intense waves and i dont know how to stop it. 

at the same time, im also angry. ive been snapping at my family members but i cant bring myself to feel bad for it. i just want people to leave me alone so i can isolate myself in peace. 

im so mad. im so upset. i cant tell if this is happening because of the stupid fucking nic i took or if its all just a coincidence. 

i was perfectly fine before. now im a complete mess and i feel like i just undid 2 years worth of progress. im so fucking stupid. lesson learned i guess. i wanna kms so bad lol.

anyways, my question is: am i feeling this way because of the nicotine? 

i apologize for my ignorance. i probably sound stupid asf right now but i cant even concentrate. 

any input is appreciated! but again, pls dont be rude because i will implode. ❤️