I can't afford to go to the psychiatric ward again, nor do I want to. I can't do it because I'm too busy with school, I can't afford it, and mostly I don't want to get shit from my parents and family. I currently live with my grandma and she can't know I'm mentally ill. Even so, I shouldn't have to go because I won't do anything with my family around.

I've been experiences some pretty interesting symptoms lately. A couple months ago I tried committing suicide (didn't go to the hospital, didn't work... obviously) and without a doubt I am going to try again the second I move out. I don't take my pills, I keep them for myself for when I want to try another attempt (no, I don't keep them for the high).

I might tell my doctor about my suicide attempt a couple months ago but I'm for sure not telling him about my medication situation or that suicide is a for sure thing.

I struggle with anxiety very badly. I cannot talk to people sometimes, including my own dad who is my favorite person in the world.

I have really rapid changing moods and it's gotten a little scary. Sometimes I'll feel fine, great even?, this will go on for a random amount of time and then I'm back to my normal bummed state. But it's not like I have good days and bad days. It's like I have really good, on top of the world days and then for no reason I'm thinking of ways to commit suicide and ignoring the world around me.

I have what I can best describe as like... weird delusions? I hallucinate (mostly voices and sounds) here and there, think people are watching me everywhere and that people are in my closet ex., last time I thought about cutting off my ear and I was \_asking\_ people to send me horrible messages telling me to kill myself and say other hurtful things and some lovely people did. This has recently just gotten worse.

I have no plans to hurt anyone other than myself.

I just want to know what I should tell my doctor in order to maybe get some advice, but I don't want to be sent back to the psychiatric ward. I'm thinking about taking the pills they diagnose me with this time regularly, like I'm supposed to, if I like them. It would be nice to talk about it, I don't know what to do.