This could all be ridiculous, but I want someone to hear me out and to see if others have had the same thinking/action--successes and failures.

Questioning if I was actually never clinically depressed and that I felt so horrible because of the crushing lifestyle I was living. However, now I am under the vice of med side effects and withdrawals making me think I need them? 

So here is the short story: Grew up Mormon. Went on mission and became very depressed. Got medicated for it after coming home early. Left the church after coming out as gay. Complete shake up of the foundation of my beliefs and life. Still medicated and wonder if I really need it and if I am just struggling with withdrawals and side effects now. Also not working as well as they used to.

Here is the long one: Grew up Mormon. Couldn't come to grip with the fact that I was Gay until before my mission (yeah the guys wearing white with the name-tags that won't stop ringing your doorbell). Came out as Bi before I left. Was becoming more and more lethargic leading up to my departure, even though it was Athens, Greece--this is probably the biggest reason I really ended up going, poeple rarely get called to go there. Anyways, parents say it is "just anxiety" and that it is normal, even though my sleep schedule is completely flipped with day and night, I barely eat more than a meal a day, I cry every night, and my heart won't stop pounding at random moments, but ok. I leave and things just get worse and worse until the mission President has to set me up with a "psychiatrist" (I really don't know how certified this man was or not). He says it might be bipolar and that it is too difficult to treat in the field and that I should go home, but it was still up to me. I ultimately decide to leave because I was becoming suicidal for the first time in my life. The mission is supposed to be 2 years long and I came home after about 5 months. I eventually come to terms with the fact that I am gay and not bi and that marriage to my girlfriend is not possible. We break up, I don't go back to BYU where I was before my mission. Now I have no friends back home as I am the only one not in school. Go job to job feeling like I have no purpose. I leave the church after discovering its true and damning history. Going from anti-depressant to anti-depressant until something kind of works. It just makes sure I actually go to bed at night, as I always tend to stay up way too late and sleep in, or feel extremely tired from little sleep in the morning. Sister gets diagnosed with ADHD and I ask my doc about it who then tests me and diagnoses it as well. Get on Adderall and suddenly it is like magic and I am going back to school and staying at a job, etc. However, I was still holding on to many of the teachings of the church even though I didn't believe IN the actual church. The meds were making me feel happier while accepting these types of views as a non-believer. It wasn't until very recently that I discovered this and have been actively trying to change my mindset. I also feel like both my anti-depressant (Mirtazapine) and Adderall are not working as well as they were in the past. I can't help feel like I was only feeling happy because those meds were making me conform to my surroundings which were still mostly conservative and religious as I live at home while going to school and working. There is no way I can even afford the time to wean off meds until I am graduated and don't have to work for a bit, if I have some savings or live at home (but yo, home is part of the issue). 

I guess that's all there is to say. I just don't want to live a lie. I should mention that my family is all medicated and that, yes there is history. But everybody, including my ancestors, have been in the church for generations. I can't help feel that some of their problems are stemming from it and conflicting with their inner conscious. My dad literally did the same exact thing on his mission. A mission is hard, but I wonder if it was more than just that and we were trying to tell ourselves to get tf out of there.

But ya know, I say all of this while being somewhat better on meds, lol!