
Bpd has destroyed my life for a painfully long time. I’ve lost so many people because of my toxic behaviour. I’ve hurt people I love because I’ve acted in such a cruel manner when I’m splitting and out of control. 

I’ve had enough. 

For the past few days, I’ve remembered a skill I was taught in dbt (I was in dbt 4 years ago so it’s hard to recall the skills now, but they’re there) - radical acceptance. At the time it never made too much sense to me, I think I was so much younger and more naive when I went through dbt that a lot of the skills went over my head. I didn’t understand how I could just accept and be okay with everything going on in my life. Unfortunately I’ve had to reach a place of complete acknowledgment of my toxic actions and behaviours (I say unfortunately because it’s a dark place to be) in order to understand some of the skills I was taught.

I think irrationally. As people with bpd, we do. It’s an integral facet of our disorder because of how intense and complex our emotions can be. Paranoia sets in for me particularly when I’m involved romantically with someone. That someone becomes my FP. I distrust their every action, and I accuse and manipulate to the point that they become exhausted. Unfortunately, I’m at that point now, but with someone who’s truly different than the other romantic relationships I’ve had. I know this is a genuine connection and not just bpd infatuation, and the signs are mostly there because of the length of time I’ve been with him. It’s been a year and usually I’d be bored by now and ready for things to end, but each day I’m more and more determined to put things right. 

To counter the irrational thought, radical acceptance is key. Fighting against bpd means we have to put in a lot of work. It means a war will wage in our heads constantly. But those are the cards we’ve been dealt and in order to live functional and healthy lives we have to fight. Each time I have a bpd thought I have to counter it with a reminder that it’s unhealthy, and that I have to accept the wishes of my fp. 

An example of this is today, my boyfriend is going to a bbq with his mates. In the past I would’ve reacted extremely unhealthily to this, I would’ve been jealous of the time he’s spending with his mates and fear I’m being replaced. I have to acknowledge that these thoughts are toxic, and unfair. My boyfriend can live a life outside of me, and have emotional connections with his mates - it doesn’t mean he prefers them to me. I have to radically accept that these are the way things are, and that’s okay, and that just because my bpd is uncomfortable with it - it doesn’t make it wrong. I constantly battle these paranoid thoughts with - ‘he’s only out with his mates, as you go out with your mates and enjoy yourself. It’s perfectly normal and healthy, and it’ll make him happy.’

It’s so easy to slip into the bpd thoughts; I think it’s because at its core, bpd is so self destructive. I think at times I thrive off of the destruction I cause. The bpd thrives off of destroying my hopes of happiness. And in turn it wants me to doubt myself, doubt the people that love me, it wants me to doubt everything so that I self destruct. 

It’s easy to slip into that. I won’t. I want to put in the hard work. I want my FP to be proud of me. I want to live a life I’m proud of and I’m so determined to do so. 

I think it takes a few good days and then the good days get easier and easier. I just need a start. 

I’m determined to beat this, I want to be a success story of bpd. Honestly, I have hope for all of us. I plan to continue sharing skills I find helpful because I want us all to overcome it. I have faith we can