
I’m not really sure how to phrase this one but after a few therapy sessions I’m not keen to go back. When I mention something negative that’s happened to me my therapist really tries to empathise with me and tell me how bad it really is because I tend to minimise it. I feel like it just hurts more and sends me into a bit of a spiral since I can’t suppress my feelings anymore.

Recently I’ve developed a huge fear of impermanence - I buy 2 of everything I like in the fear I’ll lose one or break it, I excessively spend on things I don’t need, and I’ve become overly reliant of attention from my partner.

I think it’s a lot to do with my bipolar parents. In recent years, 2021 more than ever I’ve pretty much entirely shut down and find it hard to hold conversation with anyone beyond necessary interaction. Today after completely mortifying me in a store in a fit of rage my mom told me she hates who I’ve become and she hates me, berating me the entire way home until I walked out crying.

All it’s really reminded me is how unwanted I am. No one, friends, partners, exes in my life have ever really wanted me without conditions, or without an ulterior motive. My dad has only warmed to me because I’m following the career path he wants. I think it’s moulded who I am because I give everything I have to the people I love and once someone makes a mistake I find it so hard to be trusting and vulnerable again.

The only person who ever made me feel wanted was my current boyfriend. For the first 9 months he was so outwardly showy of his love verbally and physically and I guess having been together for a year and a half that naturally settles a bit but it’s honestly destroyed me. There was a month long period of him not being affectionate at all and while he’s swung back around a little I am so crippled by fear that I will lose the one person who has ever wanted me as I am.  

I’ll tell him I love him every minute of the day because I just want to hear him say it back.  And the moment I leave him I am overcome with uncontrollable thoughts that he will leave, that he doesn’t love me, etc.

It’s fucking embarrassing that I feel so stuck in my own head and I haven’t been able to get better. I don’t know how to get better. I just want to feel like myself again.