Little bit of history. My journey with mental health started with seeking an ADHD diagnosis in 2016 after what i realize now being bed ridden for 2 weeks (because of a one way romantic breakup)which was most likely depression but it made me think about my whole life and I got to the realization that I had ADHD and went and got diagnosed with it by a NP and put on adderall. Life was great for about 6 month and adderall made me feel truly like myself and able to reach my potential. It felt like I had glasses on for my brain for the first time and all the other metaphors ADHDers use. This was great until the adderall crashes started in the evening and I would be great in the morning but at night when the adderall wears off I go back to those 2 weeks of depression that I mentioned times x3. I researched on reddit (damn you reddit) and found that smoking marijuana eases that pain. That’s when things started going downhill.

I began a cycle of taking my adderall and smoking at night, which developed to even smoking in the morning sometimes even on my adderall and while it made me feel great it was just total reliance on both and I couldn’t function without them. I was an awful human being without them. Fast forward to the end of 2017 I’m about to graduate and decided I should stop both, and maybe smoke occasionally if needed. I was good for about 3 months until in the spring of 2018 I experienced a psychosis that caused me to be hospitalized. I was in the psych ward for 2 weeks and couldn’t really get diagnosed properly cuz I wouldn’t talk b/c I thought the hospital people were my enemies and shit, typical psychosis stuff. But I was put on haldol and after calming down I was diagnosed with a drug-induced psychosis cuz there was weed in my pee.

That’s when my real mental health crisis truly started and got put on medications. Haldol was awful, it gave me terrible akathesia that I still have to this day. I was always in pain and not myself. I decided to start working again at the end of 2018 which lasted only 4 months going into 2019. Halfway in I couldn’t take it and started smoking again but nothing bad happened no psychosis or anything but I didn’t like that i was dependent on it again since it didn’t even make me feel good like it used to, just paranoid and hungry. My mom told me about this program back in my home country since she saw how miserable i was and I decided to go. Turned out it was an inpatient hospital that treat substance use and addiction issues but I thought i was going for depression. I’m not denying I have addiction tendencies but the main reason I do is because of my depression. I was put on a cocktail of medications like abilify, lamictal, strattera, effexor etc. and couldn’t still get a clear diagnoses but they put on my chart mood disorder, impulse disorder, and personality disorder(borderline). The head doctor even assured me that I do not have bipolar disorder or anything and just depression and substance use issues. I stayed there for about 3-4 months and was released and I was still not good so I decided to try lsd for it’s therapeutic effects (again thanks reddit 🙄). It immediately put me in a temporary psychosis for a day but after the effects were gone I was back to normal. I worked for about a month in marketing while back home but again got fed up and bored and quit. Now after the summer of 2019 ended I wanted to come back to the states and resume my life even though I was still not 100%. I came back and throughout the end of 2019 and 2020 I stopped my medications because they weren’t helping and started smoking again. Again nothing bad happened but I was just a lazy stoner unemployed piece of shit for a year.

At the end of 2020 I decided to get my act together. I stopped smoking since it wasn’t helping me at all just numbing the pain and decided to get a part time job and just accept life as what it is. Things were great for 3 months, I was full of hope and energy and motivation for the first time in 4 years. No adderall no weed nothing at all. Then all of a sudden I went into another psychosis in  march around the same time I had my first one back in 2018. Police came and took me to the hospital and I got fired from my job. I went out of the hospital but I was still in psychosis so a month later went back in. Now that’s when I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I was put on invega shots and came out the hospital. Now fast forward again, I spent months not feeling well just very depressed and suicidal. 

Currently I’m back seeing a psychiatrist which put me on Vraylar(been on it for 2 weeks now) and I’m feeling much better not really depressed or suicidal, have more motivation and physical energy but no mental energy. That’s where my question lies. I keep thinking about ADHD and adderall again and how it could help me If i start on it again and take it as prescribed. But I feel like there’s something else wrong with me. Like i think if i take it maybe I’d be fine for the duration i’m on it and be calm and collected and motivated, but when it wears off I don’t know.. I feel like my brain is broken. It’s like there’s something constantly on my mind but I don’t know what it is. I still have to do ADHD testing to be able to maybe be put on adderall but even if I really want it, I don’t know if it’s worth it. I’m afraid of myself. I’m on both Vraylar and Zoloft but the zoloft ain’t doing shit. Only Vraylar started helping. I’m coming into terms with accepting my bipolar diagnoses since the times I felt really good before my psychosis were really just mania, plus the doctor explained that mania occurs in many ways one of which is psychosis. But regardless of all of that I don’t know what to do and what will help me to feel fine. I’m craving the adderall only because I’ve tried it before and miss the calmness it gave me in my head but I’m afraid of the repercussions. I’m all over the place with this text so I’ll end this year. Please let me know your thoughts.