20 year old male here, diagnosed with BPD about 8 months ago, by two different psychiatrists.

I feel like I’ve always lived my life according to some kind of grand, meticulously crafted plan. Honestly, it makes me feel like a psychopath a lot of times. I remember lying in bed with my ex girlfriend, madly in love, catching myself thinking « How can this benefit my plan? ». The plan has changed throughout the years. It used to be the goal of becoming a rockstar, becoming a famous movie director to the more realistic alternative that I’ve adopted for a few month, try to become a web designer and live a stable life until further notice. I’m trying to not be as subconsciously attracted to drama and chaos anymore, but the darkness is still there, telling me « the only reason you’re going down this path is to hide the real you » shit like that, mostly negative, towards me or others. I don’t really like to feel like this « grand mastermind » and living my life mostly in my head through a rich and complex inner world.

Does anyone else feel this way? And what can I do to feel more authentic and present in the moment?