These past few day I’ve been thinking about this past year. And of the prior few. How I get up in the morning can only be described as sheer will. I could never find the words to describe the feeling of carrying the pain of being truly hated since my first memory’s. To be dismissed as dysfunctional and two broken. Too have them turn their back walk away and walk away because I’m simply Disposable. I realize that because of the toxic events that created me, That I do not deserve to have a home. A place where my heart would feel at  peace. I wouldn’t know it if it hit me on the head. What I thought was real wasn’t. blind I was and I am. But my hardship now is that I was used to living in darkness, but for a brief moment I came into color then thrown back into the darkness. It is much more difficult because i tasted life in color. Even though it wasn’t real and they didn’t feel the way I thought they did, for a brief moment I did believe it. Fate has brought me back down to where I belong. Back into the darkness. I hope this will be my last year. I can’t carry this pain anymore it is too much. I don’t know why God would put me on this earth just to feel this way since my first memories. It’s harder to wake up in the morning and wipe the pain away from my face. I wish it would end and I can close my eyes. Please Pray that my eyes close and my soul can finally rest. My hell has been this life. I’m hoping in death their will  be something better. I’m tired of being in this hell.