i’m so depressed. I have been since I was 16 &amp; now i’m 22. all i do is spend hours in my bed. just sleeping because that’s the closest thing to death without actually killing myself. i love the escape that sleep offers &amp; hate waking up. all i want to do is sleep. when i’m not sleeping in my bed, i’m on my phone in bed, i’m eating in bed, &amp; i’m attempting to do school work all from my bed. it’s the only place i feel comfortable &amp; safe. 

i have no friends, only acquaintances. i don’t think anyone truly knows me or understands what i go through when i have a depressive episode, i hide it all. not letting anyone in, just perpetuates the loneliness i feel every single day. i just want to be loved but i feel so unworthy. the people i do tell, like my mom, does not understand &amp; she never has. she thinks i just need to change my “outlook” or “attitude” which pisses me off because if i could, i would.

being depressed makes me feel so weak. like i have no control over my mind or body. why can’t i just be happy? i am so privileged &amp; yet all i can do is ruminate on how miserable i am. like why the fuck can’t i get my ass out of bed &amp; do something? i don’t want to waste my life away but every day is a battle &amp; struggle &amp; i’m sick of trying so hard just to live.

i’m so lonely because all i do is spend time in my room. i’ve tried to make friends on campus by joining groups but i’m so awkward &amp; anxious &amp; i never speak up unless i’m spoken to. it’s not like i’m not trying or making an effort here, i really am but nothing seems to work out. 

being in college is the most depressed i’ve been. every day i want to drop out. i skip classes every week. i don’t have the motivation or energy to go. my mom is really pushing me to go &amp; there’s a lot of pressure from my parents to get a degree but i’ve been undecided for 2+ years changing my major 3+ times now &amp; i feel purposeless drifting through school. i want to take next semester off and just work, figure out what makes me happy &amp; maybe go back to school when i’m ready. 

anyone who can empathize or offer some wise words would be appreciated.

fyi: i’m on antidepressants (4 years now) &amp; am trying to restart therapy after i stopped because i was doing really well this summer. starting school really took a toll on my mental health