I'm male in my late fifties (non-US) and 3 years ago lost my wife after 35 years together.

I was finally correctly diagnosed with BPD maybe 8 years ago and I also have depression (since a teen). I started self-harming when I was 13. But I have had two good careers, a good marriage and have two excellent kids.

I didn't see the BPD as a 'bad thing' though only about 4 people know of the diagnosis - I fear the stigma.  After years of a wrong diagnosis and the resultant meds it meant I could finally know what was wrong. I sort of know the 'why' - sexual abuse and lack of maternal care - but knowing I had BPD meant I could read books and articles and re-learn how I dealt with situations. It felt as good as when I realised that my reactions to noises was a known thing - misophonia (check /r/misophonia).

BPD does not define me.

Anyway, after my wife died I asked my family doctor for a referral for grief counselling. He said No.  I asked my psychiatrist - was also told No. Reason? BPD. 
I had zero support from anyone anywhere. (I have no close friends and few people I'd call a friend, so no-one to confide in).

These last two years I've been having increasing distressing dreams which are absolutely related to grief. I have never really cried since she went. I can get close but my mind just won't let it out. I realised last week that I cannot continue with these twice every night dreams. I wake feeling terrible every morning. I looked online, found some accredited grief counsellors and got in touch.

I've already sent an email to say that my diagnosis will surely come out and that to do that in person might make her feel uncomfortable, and that I would understand if she declined to see me. She did not decline. I see her this coming Friday.

I've never had any support of any sort for BPD, just reading and talking to my wife. So I am sort of scared about what will happen.  It will happen though, it has to, but have you had any counselling? Maybe even for grief?

Oh - and the childhood stuff? Not on the table at all. A hypnotherapist tried to take me there 10+ years ago and just no.