today i couldn’t trust myself to express my feelings with accuracy. so i reverted back to dissociation and i felt nothing for you. i couldn’t tell you how i was feeling because it would only make you feel bad, it would manipulate and guilt you. at the same time, aren’t i entitled to happiness? or the attempt? but i said ‘nothing, just let me get over myself’. i really wanted you to ask, i really wanted you to rub my back and run your fingers in my hair. i wanted to feel love and compassion. but how could i ask that of you when you’re doing everything you can o make sure your own needs are being met? it’s selfish of me. so today i pushes you away and waited for you to make the first move. you never did, i don’t think you love me. and how could you, i don’t love myself. nothing about me is lovable. nobody would chose this life, so it’s extremely hard for me to believe that you could so chose to love me the way i am. you chose to love me every day. and every day i use and manipulate you so that i can feel that love in return. i am sorry. please don’t think that i don’t know or that i don’t see it. please don’t make me feel stupid when i don’t understand right way. i am trying. and i love you. and i am sorry. i’m so so sorry