I've always been introverted and socially awkward, but I finally started coming out of my shell and being more social in my mid to late 20s. Things were really starting to look up for me although I still struggled a bit with depression and intense emotions in general. I always knew I couldn't handle myself emotionally as well as others seem to, but nothing prepared for learning I have BPD on the cusp of my 30th birthday.

The research about BPD and discussions with my then-boyfriend that followed threw my world into chaos. What I had always assumed was just a phase I'd eventually grow out of, suddenly transformed overnight into lifelong condition with no "cure". The hardest part was realizing how "regular" people perceive borderlines as batshit crazy; I then began questioning how reasonable I am—if at all—and if my reactions are ever proportional to the situation(s) at hand.

It's been nearly 2 years and I feel like the constant stream of self-questioning has utterly destroyed the person I was prior to my diagnosis. Splitting on my partner ultimately drove him away; one morning he just packed his cats and a couple bags and drove straight to the other side of the country. I regularly play back arguments with past partners, critiquing how I "borderlined it up" and how I wish I had reacted differently wondering if my loneliness could have been avoided. I play back daily interactions with coworkers/family/neighbors in my head, questioning if every single thing I did was okay or if they think I'm crazy at all. If something irritates me even the slightest, I simply have no idea if the way I'm feeling is okay. If I suspect I'm being unreasonable, the guilt that ensues is overwhelming. I'm constantly stressed out about nothing and I struggle quite a bit with substance abuse.

I stopped talking to people in general because BPD has obscured my judgement so much, I'm not even sure if anything I say is even interesting. I worry I'm wasting everyone's time and nobody could possibly want to be in my life once my BPD slips out. I don't trust any anything about myself anymore, and I honestly just feel like the empty husk of a person that used to be. 
