Hello fellow humans,

Today, I ended a one month relationship. I cried/sobbed uncontrollably for about 4 hours today. Not pretty crying. Not healthy crying. The crying where you get dehydrated, soak your clothing in snot, loose any hope in human connection, life, or the future. The kind of crying that eventually makes you nauseous from crying more than you ate that day. The crying that gives you a sinus headache for hours, if not days afterwards. 

CW: Mention of Suicidal thoughts and Self-Harm

It's the kind of crying and pain that while you're experiencing it, you want to hurl yourself off of a building top, or slash your wrists with an exacto knife.  It is the kind of pain that you keep to yourself because most people would not know what to do with it. It is the kind of emotional dysregulation that makes you wonder if you will ever feel safe, connected, and whole around other human beings. It makes you wonder why such pain is allowed to exist in the universe. The despair of being safe but not feeling it, of being loved but not knowing it. 

I am thankful to say that I did not harm myself and that those thoughts have lessened. It worries me; however, to know how strong, intrusive, and present they were today. It has been about 6 months since they were that strong. Which is a huge personal milestone I am saddened to restart. 

So, I have arrived here, to seek people who might relate with non-judgement-- rather than holding it in until I am hospitalized... 

What helps you in your moments of despair?