It’s a day late to post this but I thought why not (since I can’t quite mention it to anyone else close lol)
My (sadly toxic) fp and I made up for the first time in a terribly rocky month. After going back and forth and just it blowing out of proportion, I had daydreamed that at least I’d like an apology from him and a means to remain friends. 
Yesterday a friend said he (fp) wanted to know if he could keep my shirt (since he uh… you know does his deeds to it apperntly) I told him that he shouldn’t make u do that and to tell him to talk to me personally. We unblocked one another and spoke like adults and managed to set up a time to meet up (since he said he wanted to clear the air etc)
And strangely enough, it kinda played out how I had daydreamed it. It was (of course both of us chugging Smirnoff’s) definitely the step in the right direction. I do regret allowing us to go the other direction (we stupidly did some frisky stuff after we hugged and apologized; he kept admitting he beats himself up for not allowing himself to have a good thing with me which I’m glad because he’s truly given me hell this past month like terrible splitting and seeking a way to fix this at all cost again…) but I did enjoy one thing: 
When he was hugging me he would pull away and kiss my forehead cheek and a normal kiss. It made me feel special like I was safe again… (I’ve always considered him strangely as my safe space since I have bad memories with males in general touching me) and just tell me he loves me and etc :’) it meant a lot last night…

He continued to behave the same cold and dismissive (sometimes saying or doing things to make me jealous again ugh it’s dumb) today at work and didn’t bother to suggest us hanging out tonight to drink or cuddle again :/

At least I have that peace now. I’ll definetly keep doing my DBT workbook and just praying and daydreaming/manifesting for good things to come my way. 
I can’t count on him to be there for me if I split and breakdown but I can be there for him when he drunk calls me and he’s broken, cus ig at the end of the day, I can’t numb myself enough still to hate him yet. And maybe that’s better: maybe numbing myself isn’t the solution most days