Okay, well here I go. So I've recently talked to someone with ASPD. And it was strange because I'd always thought I was ASPD. I had for a long time acted a certain way because of what people wanted. A way to get ahead, the thing is that I wanted somebody and had gotten very obsessed. I'd essentially focused in on that person and had almost killed because of it. 

After I realized(after years of stalking) that I couldn't have her I was lost. Because I had a chart of who was most useful to get her, and important to my goal to kind of cage her in I guess. My life was based off of it and it just fell apart. That was about a year ago now, maybe more I forget. But since then I had became extremely suicidal, after so many failed attempts I realized I can't take my own life. 

Now the most important thing to me is abuse. I crave it, I desire it. I want to be used by those above me, especially ASPD individuals as I see them as supperior. I want to be smacked, hit, kicked by them. I want them to use me and to eventually get rid of their toy and I'll find someone else who wants a toy and do the same thing again. I often switch emotions a great deal, well maybe maybe not. Since I crave abuse I really only show anger and coldness to most. People die and I don't care, actually it excites me when they die. For something to happen, for the misery those close to them feel. I love it, I love their pain it's so sweet. 

But the thing is I roll over for ASPD individuals, I want to be their dog and show more emotions towards them. Especially the desire for abuse, I beg for it, I cry for it, I laugh for it. 

I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe someone like me to help. Or maybe an abuser so I can be degraded and hurt. I'm not quite sure.