I don’t have BPD but I love someone who does, and we’re long distance so it can be complicated sometimes. We’ve only recently discovered that she has it so we’ve been trying to fix the problems that have been happening in our relationship using that new frame of reference for around a month or two now.

She’s been working tirelessly to try to improve herself, learning to control her impulses, avoid splitting on me, control her moods better, etc. and she’s come a long way since then.

I work a physically and mentally demanding job in the evenings, getting home around near midnight most days, which leaves me sore and exhausted. She rarely sleeps before the early morning hours at like 4 or 5am, I have no idea why, so there’s a lot of time at night when she’s awake and I’m not, and then in the mornings I’m awake and she’s not. I’ve never ever been a night person ever in my life, and working hard late into the night makes that problem even worse.

She recently had an episode late at night around 2:30am after I got home from work and she needed me to comfort her. I was already struggling to stay awake for the last couple hours and I was in and out of sleep at this point trying to fight it off to be there for her, I tried to stay sitting up and drank a lot of cold water to keep myself physically stimulated enough to stay up but I just slumped over and passed out for good within 30 minutes.

I woke up this morning before her as usual and when she woke up she asked me why I left. I explained to her as I always have that it wasn’t by choice, that I would have stayed if I was physically able to, that I tried my best but I was just too exhausted. I told her I understand that falling asleep was the worst thing I could’ve done to her at that moment and was extremely remorseful. She said I amplified her episode by leaving and I apologized more and now she left me with an “ok.”

I don’t know what to say or do now. I tried my ass off to be there for her, I know she needed me and I really really wish I could’ve been there for her but how can she hate me for not having the superpower to just not be exhausted ever. I love her more than I love anything but this hurts so much. My own depression makes situations like this really hard for me. I feel like a total failure and a waste of her time. Is something seriously wrong with me? Am I a failure for not being able to stay up all night with her? I’m so sorry and upset with myself but there was nothing I could’ve done. I work earlier than usual today and if I drank coffee or an energy drink at that hour I’d be completely fucked at work and I can’t do that, it’s irresponsible. How am I supposed to move forward here? What do I even say? What the fuck is wrong with me? I desperately need to make this right but I don’t know how or who to ask. I’m hoping someone here can at least guide me.