As I lie here on my bed too depressed to do anything,I ruminate about my childhood...how everything seemed brighter then and how easy it was to be happy,playing catch or a video game, simple things was all it took for a burst of happiness.

Now happiness seems like an unattainable illusion,a blurry dream that I've forgotten.

The best is behind me and nothing hopeful lies ahead.

I've thought of dying a million times by now,images of me hanging on a noose randomly and repitively present themself to my mind.Whenever a vehicle speeds past me on the road I always imagine myself jumping in front of it.Just imagining these things offer me relief weirdly,because I know that I always have the option of ending my life.

But I know that I'll never ever end my life because even dying is difficult,nothing is easy.If I weren't afraid of pain I'd probably be dead already.But I'm shitscared of it.So I'm stuck here,doing nothing,while watching my peers surpass me and study and do everything that a guy of my age has gotta do.

If I were the designer of human life I'd make it so that 2 days of every week you could be another person with another mental outlook....that way life wouldn't seem so unendingly boring and monotonous atleast....
That and I'd have a fucking button built inside the ear hole or something on pressing which one could refresh the mental status to default mode....and everything would seem fresh again...clear and happy times of childhood would then return again

But the best I can do is imagine these things,smoke cigarettes or a joint or drink....I'm fucking tired of all of this....