To put it as succinctly as I can: I felt like they were better off without me, and on top of that was feeling very bitter and resentful. I stopped speaking to her as much, though I would still respond (I just didn't take the initiative like always before). I was worried that I would say something horrid and hurtful, and that she'd be better off without me, though I didn't tell her this. She told a mutual acquaintance that it was making her suicidal, and that it was making her split, alternating between love and hate. I was still scared to reach out, I didn't want her to know the negative feelings I had about her, and I didn't want to dump the rest (that she'd be better off without me) on her, because that would just reinforce the latter feelings. She ended up cutting me off for the most part, and my instability and suicide attempts after that drove her away completely. 

This happened so long ago that the fact that I haven't already (among other things) let's me know I never will. I just feel so numb right now, not stable; numb. I've just been going through the motions of my life this month waiting until I have the frantic and panicked resolve I used to have to finally go through with *that* again. I thought I wouldn't need it, but I was wrong. I guess part of the issue also is, how do I start wanting to process this?

I feel like it's not even worth processing at this point. My therapist is at a loss with how to deal with that, even if she won't admit it. The best she can muster is that since I'm going to therapy, some part of me must want to get better. She's only given me distress tolerance practices last week and this is our last week, so that was a dead-end too.