Okay, for starters I (F26) had a pretty rough childhood. I was molested by 5 people growing up. I was also physically abused and my mother was never around because she was busy with work all the time. I grew up alone and neglected which affected my mental health. I grew up depressed, angry, isolated and with severe ptsd. I dropped out of college to work on my mental health after being physically abused by an ex bf. Afterwards, I just kept searching for someone to love me and care about me. My home was toxic and abusive so I moved far away from them to better myself.

 I again dropped out of school and decided to enjoy my time away from my home at my new apartment with my new partner at the time. I realized I was toxic and abusive myself and decided I needed therapy to focus on my trauma. Because of my need to fix myself I never quite finished school and since I was always depressed and anxious I wasn't the best in shape. I have adhd and that makes doing school work even harder for me. I never finished school and I am a bit overweight. 

My now ex (M25)...would always tell me to lose weight. He said I have nothing else to offer him and that he could find someone hotter, with a citizenship, career, family, less mental issues, some accomplishments and someone who doesn't nag. That completely broke me. We were talking about making it work until he got to a point where he decided he didn't want to settle. I've been struggling with my mental health and have been taking medication and talking to a therapist. I'm currently going to school (a major he doesn't approve of) and in the process of getting my visa. I'm working on my weight and now that I finally got approved for adhd meds I can finish school. I know I'm not in a good point in my life. He's right, I don't have much to offer and I haven't been my best emotionally. He wasn't good at letting me express myself and that made me feel invalidated. He blocked me after I begged him to give me a chance to improve. I begged him to give me space and to go back on a break so that at least we'll be together some day. He kept saying no and blocked me and said it's for my own good. He said he's going to block me for a couple months and to focus on myself (get my shit together). That I have to learn to live without him.

I don't think I can live a life without him. I don't see myself with anyone else. I was willing to look past his own flaws. I never did feel good enough for him and now I know I'm not. He's the first person I've ever loved. I don't want to live a life without him.  I don't want to live anymore. I hate myself and I hate that I'm so damaged and broken. I dont deserve to live