I'm a 24 year old college graduate who still lives at home because I can't find a job, let alone afford the fucking rent anywhere, and for roughly the past ten years of my life I have been depressed. At first it was just chalked up to that whole "that's how teenagers are / it's just a phase" bullshit. I wasn't planning on having this conversation with anyone, especially not my mother. For my entire life she has been my support system (my dad is.. distant to say the least) and I could go to her with any problem I was facing, but I never wanted to tell her how I truly feel because.. That's my mom.. I don't want her to feel bad because her son is depressed. She'd call herself a bad mom or some shit like that, and she really isn't.

Anyway, as I'm searching for a job on Indeed, I get an email alert. I open it up and it's from a company I had just applied to a couple days ago. Rejected. Again. For the hundredth time. Feeling defeated, I mumble to myself "I'm so sick of this shit, I just want it all to end" and slammed my laptop closed. I didn't know it at the time, but my mom was behind me and started asking questions. "What do you mean by that? Are you okay? What's going on?". I fucking lost it. The mask kept slipping with each probing question as I started to tear up. She knows I've been struggling, but she has no idea how badly I'm hurting on the inside. Seeing me cry like that, a 24 year old man, probably crushed her spirit. So I feel even worse for that...

I finally told her that I've been depressed for years, have frequent suicidal thoughts, and that the only reason I'm still enduring this shit world is because of her and my little sister. On top of that, I also feel cheated by the world because I went to college, worked my ass off for a degree, and was told the entire time that I would be able to find work afterwards but that was a fucking lie. I did everything "right" according to everyone older than me, but I'm still being fucked over. Not being able to land a job is not what started this whole thing, like I said, I've been depressed for years. This is just another drop in the depression bucket. Oh yeah, my fiancee also left me two months after she registered for college to earn her Bachelor's degree.. She met someone in her class and ended things with me out of nowhere. So there's also that going for me too. Hooray for me!...

My mom tells me that she's "calling someone" (therapy incoming). I told her not to because we've already tried that in the past (anger issues as a kid, which is actually a precursor to depression and anxiety issues later on in life btw). All they ever want to do is put me on meds that make me feel worse. She's adamant about this but I unfortunately had to pull the "I'm an adult now" card on her, so she knows that I can refuse treatment. I don't want a stranger to vent to for $250/hr, I want to be happy naturally. I want to be normal.

We talked for hours. This was the first time in years I cried in front of my mother, and I felt like such shit for it because I could see it was upsetting her too. In the end, it basically boiled down to her telling me "You always have a place here" and "You can talk to me", but in all honesty I really can't. Sure, I finally told her how I feel, but it's not like I can mention the time I tried to off myself in a hotel room when I went on a solo road trip. I cant tell her that every day of my life is pure misery when she's given me everything... I cant tell her that all I want is to be gone from this shitty world we live in.

I don't know what to do anymore guys. Now that my mom knows how I feel she's never going to believe me again when I tell her things are fine. Which, granted, they're not, but for the sake of my mom's health and mental well-being they should at least seem so after all she's done for me and my sister.

I already know people are going to say to go to therapy but.. I can't. I was a psych major, people. Half of therapy is bullshit and I won't argue over that. The reason I studied psychology was to figure out wtf was wrong with me in the first place. Well now I know, major depression with suicidal tendencies. What a joke. I'm a fucking idiot for picking that major anyway, I know.

So now I'm just going to live every day hoping to be hit by a bus or something so that my family wont have to live with the fact that I killed myself. I can only hope they're not around when it happens, but I hope it happens soon cause I'm just exhausted at this point.

That's it. That's the post. If you read all of it.. Thanks I guess? Gonna go be a failure somewhere else now