all my manic episodes feel fake, every time they happened i was in this weird state of self awareness where i knew all my behaviors were unusual and fit the manic description but i continued doing them and denying mania despite knowing the behavior was mania, but that’s also because deep in my mind i didn’t believe it was mania just me making myself act like this. for what idk, maybe attention i don’t quite remember. but also i don’t understand how i could’ve faked this mania so well, staying up every night with maybe 3 hours of sleep but still being full of energy, having irrational thoughts and genuine euphoria and doing anything that could give me an adrenaline rush. people around me were worried, they noticed symptoms i didn’t even intend (the manic dilated pupils, excessive and fast talking), infact i got asked what drugs i had taken and to be honest because it was obvious but i was actually sober so this just angered me. i got 911 called on me eventually and when the paramedics came they said they HAD to take me to the ER, i don’t remember exactly what happened but next thing i know i’m trying to run away through the back door and ended up having to be dragged out of the house and restrained in the ambulance and when being transferred to the actual ER they had to restrain and sedate me because i kept trying to escape. these all seem like a description of a manic episode but deep inside me i can’t believe these were true things and just me being silly. even now it all seems surreal and fake. i just don’t know what to think anymore