I have chronic, major depressive disorder and C-PTSD. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since I was 12, and I'm 20 now, so in a way I think it's "grown" with me, almost like an aspect of my personality. 

 I think I suffered a form of ego death about 6 years ago. I felt tormented every day by myself and the feeling like I was worthless, and there's ultimately nothing to everything in my life. For months and months. I only stayed alive because no one else was there to protect my siblings from the hellhole we were in. 

Even when I reach the peak of my happiness, I'm always reminded: Why do I behave like theres a point to anything? And I spiral again. Nearly every time I have a motivating thought or excitement about the future. Theres that afterthought, either in my conscious or subconscious. I think, why am I trying so hard, and why do I act so self important? There are millions other individuals with their own lives, their own stories, with better upbringings, that are smarter, richer, more successful, ect... I mentally have always been unable to fool myself, and think that I'm in any way special. I cant lie to myself no matter how much I want to. Odds are, I will leave little to no signficance in the world. In one or two family generations, I will be forgotten about. 

I hate this so much. I'm hyper self aware, even when I'm acting immaturely, I KNOW I'm acting immaturely, but sometimes it just feels freeing despite feeling stupid when I'm doing it. Sometimes I hate having a brain and wish I were a rat or someshit because, being a rat is about the same level of significance, without all of the thinking bullshit. 

TLDR: The title, plus what the fuck do I do about this?