It’s taken over my life. To the extent that I have begun to reframe it as self-harm. I completely dissociate, obsess over flaws in my skin, and try to remove each one. I cause little bursts of pain and then get to see the ugly result. But sometimes i actually get a pimple or blackhead, and I feel ecstatic, but immediately crave more. Then I try to recreate it over and over again, until my skin is bright red. Then I have marks for days.

It’s been this way through quarantine. I had a hormonal acne breakout after I got sober from weed which made it so much worse. I have a sticker on the mirror where I pick to remind me not to dissociate, which worked for maybe one day.

Sometimes I get so obsessive I have to literally say “stop” out loud. I repeat “stop” over and over again but keep going. Just one more!!!

Some days I put on makeup and that prevents me from picking during the day, and I find my skin is much better the next morning. But I rarely actually feel like doing makeup, it’s so much bother. I’m living at home for the next month to avoid traveling between holidays and knowing that if I put on full face my parents will say something makes me even less likely to do that.

(And of course, when I stop picking my skin, I often switch to my scalp.) 

DAE?