Tbh I feel like this question belongs under 2-3 different flairs, but basically... I’m paranoid.

I’m paranoid about my feelings.

As someone self-aware of their BPD reactions and tendencies, a big thing for me is often discerning which feelings/intensities are warranted and which aren’t. When am I warranted to feel anger? When is it correct to feel THIS sad? I find myself second-guessing how I’m feeling sometimes to the point of just ‘dealing’ with anything that upsets me. I don’t want to be seen as controlling, or psycho, so I try to kind of clam up so that I don’t reveal how angry I am, or sad. I know that’s a bad idea, and the emotional ‘pain’ of just letting it be is just as bad as how I originally felt. Then I ruminate, feel worse, etc...

My boyfriend keeps encouraging me to just tell him how I’m feeling when I get upset, but I’m deathly afraid of making him feel that I’m being restrictive and controlling. Context: He agreed to NOT attend an online D&amp;D game on Saturdays, because that was our designated ‘us’ day during the week. He gave his reasons to want to attend, I gave my reasons not to, and he conceded. He has discord-based games Fridays and Sundays, and they’re about 4-6hrs long. Either I’m at work, or I end up sequestering myself in the bedroom and stay there the whole time.

To even CONSIDER taking up our only spend-time-together-day with ANOTHER game felt like an insult, a great offense even. In my heart, I knew I was justified in feeling that way — to all of a sudden try to take up the only full day you have with your SO to do something that separates the two of you FOR HOURS *is* something people would feel strongly about. Even rehashing it makes me feel angry.

But he conceded, because of how I felt — but then I felt guilty. I felt like, as valid as my concerns were, I was taking away his happiness. I had to be the ‘cool girlfriend’ for him/his friends, at the risk of my sanity. And what would THEY think of me, when he told them ‘no’? A psycho? Abusive? Controlling? Everyone’s wants mattered more to me than my own. I actually expected him to just do it anyway, and fuck my feelings. But no. I started crying because I felt like a ‘bad’ girlfriend for not being okay with it. I kept worrying this was one of those clingy, ‘BPD things’. He kept telling me I wasn’t bad, and while he would have liked to play, he understood my points.

I talk to my therapist about this disconnect of what feelings are appropriate and which aren’t (obviously not counting anything that leads to destruction). I’m used to being dismissed, told I was overreacting for EVERY issue. Needless to say that knowing I have BTD tendencies (and knowing the stigma), and still needing to take accountability for everything I do makes me insecure and question every reaction.