Sorry this is me Venting 

   As the months go on I just find myself more and more lonely, and I start craving for a fun sociable life and friends. When Friday hits I go on social media and I see everyone I know going to party’s and clubs with their friends. I’m home with my sister. I’m home 24/7 I really only leave to run errands. Sure I have friends that I’ll occasionally talk too but they never invite me anywhere and I’m tired of the one always initiating plans. I would like to go on a vacation but have no one to go with. My sister who is 2 years older than me had social anxiety so I can’t make plans with her. 

     This year i told myself I’ll get a job by summer so I can go out to places and spend my days outside but I lost my job last week and everything is just going wrong. I constantly think to myself like I’m 25 will my life always be this lonely. Do people find me annoying or ugly is that why they don’t want to hang out with me? My mom even makes fun of me for being a homebody and calls me boring and lame, she makes me feel worthless honestly. My sil told me last week people think I’m super lame for not drinking or clubbing but just because I don’t try to fit in that makes me lame. I’m West Indian and my culture is about partying and drinking. Every week there’s always some party or event and everyone but me is there it makes me feel like am I missing out on something.

It’s embarrassing to say but I’ve never been in a club Because I don’t like the environment. When I turned 21 I think my childhood trauma finally started to effect my life and I wanted to do was to be home and then covid hit and I haven’t done much with my life. I’ll be honest a part of me feels like I’m wasting my 20’s but another part of me doesn’t even care to live some days. Like I’m usually depressed I’ll cry myself to sleep thinking about my trauma (was molested by moms bf) and the next morning I’ll have a hard time waking up. It’s like I’m always in fight or flight mode that I don’t have time to live. I just want to have a normal life.