I started smoking when I was in a manic episode and continued as the cigarettes made me not think of anything, it made me numb, knowing I have bipolar that felt good, not having million of thoughts for 2-3 minutes felt like "paradise ". At first I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't do it everyday... I still can control a bit but I don't know if I can quit. I hate smoking, the smell, the taste, the way it hurts my tongue so fking much and it makes me feel so bad and miserable about myself but also... 
I started to scare myself with those anti smoking ads, all this diseases, cancer etc... It only made my anxiety and paranoia worse, didn't help tho. 
Today I bought another pack and I'm so guilty, I don't know what to do, I don't want to die but I don't want to live in too much pain..