Everything is so confusing. I just don’t understand them. All I know is that they’re they’re generally very frustrated, but their feelings about me and my situation in life are hard to figure out and it’s killing me.  

It’s like they have two positions that are polar opposites of one another whenever we get to having a real conversation (really they’re more like brutal screaming matches) about the stuff that’s affecting me. Sometimes they say I’m choosing to be depressed because it’s the easy way to avoid real life (I’ve wondered that about myself a lot but that’s beside the point). But then in the next breath they’ll say I need to drop out of school and be put into a residential home to have around the clock mental care and supervision because apparently I’m in a complete mental crisis. It’s really the lack of consistency that gets to me.

My mom also seems to have a strong aversion to the word depression being associated with me. In her mind I am experiencing social anxiety and some depressive symptoms because I am in a negative state of mind. 

I wish I could explain my feelings and why I think the way I do. I’ve tried explaining it to them but it doesn’t work. That’s probably more on me than anyone else. I wish I had the mental clarity to explain my own thoughts but I just can’t. In the simplest terms possible I really don’t think I can handle life. It’s all too much for me. They think they understand, but when we argue about it I don’t think it comes across the way I want it to.