I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’d say since year 10 (roughly 4-5 years ago) I have been stuck in the same place. I was a college student, my first year I dropped out about halfway through due to bad attendance, my second year I actually completed my main course (btec level 2 art) but failed my GCSE’s. I went back my third year to do level 3 in my btec course but ended up spending my days not in lesson. Being in lesson is uncomfortable, my self confidence is so low it literally stops me from being able to do the bare minimum. After being kicked out of college I went to this place where you can take your GCSE’s, but I dropped out today. Idk if I’m depressed or lazy, I really don’t know and it’s driving me insane. I mean I do think about killing myself a lot but I’m not sad. I’m just numb, so numb to the point that I don’t care what happens anymore. I feel like I can’t trust anything I say and that I’m always lying. I’m 18 so being unemployed or not in education has its consequences, I have to see if I’m eligible for sick pay so I can figure out wtf is wrong with me and I don’t get ridiculed by my mother when she has to pay fines. Talking about my mother, I said I needed to take time off because everything keeps repeating, I came making the same mistakes and I’m not even trying to fix them. My room hasn’t been cleaned for months, and for these months I’ve spent the majority of the time in bed. I’ve rarely showered, gone to the toilet or even brushed my teeth UNLESS Im desperate. Anyways I tell my mum I need to see a therapist and understand what’s wrong with me. She begins to invalidate my problems saying “people go through worse” Luke I don’t fucking know that. Then she says “You’re just lazy, you’re disgusting, a spoiled brat and are ruining my life. I continue to give you money even after all the times you’ve attacked me.” Backstory to this is my mums an alcoholic who has had multiple abusive boyfriends over the 10 years. What she doesn’t like to admit is that she is a violent drunk. On multiple occasions I have tried to break up many of their fights which just ends up with me receiving punches from her. Even though she is my mother this does not excuse her hitting me, plus I’m scared and resent her, so of course I hit back. Anyways after she said that I started searching paracetamol overdoses, I want to die but I don’t want it to be slow and painful plus it’s also my younger brothers birthday but I really don’t know how much longer I can put up with this.