This is a pattern that I see happening often. I'm a writer by profession, I got into this entirely by chance and it's been almost 4 years of some of the best experiences in my life. But every time I sit down to write it feels like torture. My BPD symptoms act up whenever it's crunch time and all I want to do is disappear and feed that hole at the same time. I used to be extremely promiscuous, I used to drink everyday, I've since gotten into a really stable relationship with an amazing guy and have cut out drinking entirely. I still don't have good control over my finances and spend way too much. 

My career progression was supposed to be a good one. I was in line to be an editor. But then I relapsed and things just got worse and worse even though I kept writing greater and better pieces. I'm now down to the stage where I'm on contract pay and I can work from home. I just feel like this writer identity doesn't work for me anymore. Like I'm a machine that's breaking down and I don't have any more spare parts to keep patching myself up. I want to quit, but then what? I'm feeling suicidal in the way that you just want to ragequit so you can start anew. Of course life doesn't work that way so I have no intention of actually carrying it out. 

I just want somebody to tell me what to do. I can't write my next two stories that have gone way past the deadlines. I just bought plane tickets to two different countries along with a massive haul of beauty products. I splurged on a spa package and I have been wasting time reading utterly random things on Reddit since I got up this morning. Therapy hasn't worked for me, I kept getting my appointments rescheduled by the psych and all they want to do was talk about how I'm feeling with no concrete action plan. I've been trying my hardest to stay afloat but there's just so many things. 

I'm so sick of this life. I hate writing. 