I have had depression since I was a child.  For most of my adult life I have managed it well with medication,  therapy when things get bad,  healthy lifestyle etc.  I fall back into it but know the things I need to do to get back to me.  But now I am falling more often and each time it is harder to pull myself out of it. This has coincided with me becoming a mother of 2 wonderful but exhausting kids and also moving away from my home town because my husband is military. 
I had never had suicidal thoughts before motherhood.  It happened once when I had a breakdown 3 years ago.  I told my husband and it broke his heart.  Now I find these thoughts come more often and while I don't really feel compulsion to act on them and can recognise it's a fucking bad idea....it just feels like it would be relief from this constant depression. 

I don't want to do it.  I don't think I will do it.  But these thoughts are gaining traction with every depressive episode and its scaring me.  I don't want to tell my husband because he was so upset last time. I told my doctor and she upped my medication, then changed it.  I start therapy in 2 weeks.   I don't want to tell anyone! It seems so ridiculous. But I'm frightened. 

So that's why I'm telling reddit. Thanks for listening.