My fp and I keep getting in small arguments that blow up fast. He has a thyroid condition and has been off his medication the past month so his reactions have been completely different compared to how he usually is when medicated. I on the other hand have BPD, depression, several anxiety disorders, ED, and PTSD which I am not medicated for. Last month I went into a very deep depressive state from a combination of the holidays, being home alone multiple days in a row, and my pay/hrs were cut so I had half the amount I usually have to pay bills. The past month has been a lot for him and myself both so our fuses have been short. We keep getting in argument after argument, usually ending with me shutting down completely because I can't handle both his comments and my own thoughts that seem to follow. I can see him hurting, knowing he's done something but not understanding why it's made me feel a certain way. Something I don't always understand myself. He always apologizes and beats himself up over it. I feel so sad, in the back of my head there's always the thought of "Did he really do something or is it me just convincing myself to feel this way". I have a lot of self destructive behaviors and tend to push people who get too close away. He's one of the few people in my life that I know truly loves and cares about my well being and I feel like I'm treating him like shit lately. I caught myself last week justifying yelling at him over something so small last week, like I had the right to make him feel as small as I felt.  How does anyone living with this condition sort through all the fake anxiety fueled thoughts to get to what you're actually feeling? I can't keep doing this to him, he is such a good friend to me and he deserves so much more than the shit I've been giving him.