I'm writing this because I woke up an hour before my alarm and I can't stop panicking and crying. I fall asleep with tears and I wake with tears. The anxiety is constant and never leaves. 

I'm trying so hard to get a job but absolutely no-one wants me to work for them. I cannot believe I haven't found ANYTHING. It's been a YEAR. I used to be successful and independent. I worked full time and I was good at my job. Every bill was paid in full on time. I used to have an 800 credit score. I had a great reputation as a hard worker. And then I broke. I literally fucking fell apart physically and mentally and I lost everything. Everything.

I feel like I can't even go into detail. I feel like I can't even tell my story without placing the blame on someone else's shoulders. Which is pointless, because this is my fault this happened. This is my fault. I never took care of myself and I never even realized I wasn't. Its like I couldn't even see what was happening until a few weeks ago. I woke up and I was in this hole seven miles deep and if nothing changes soon, there is no way I'll climb out in my life time, even thought that is all I want to do. If I  could get a job, I wouldn't buy myself a single fucking thing. I'd eat plain bread for every meal if it meant I could have income coming in and be able to pay my bills.

More than anything I wish I could talk to my therapist but I cannot afford it, and therapy is why I'm in so much debt. I continued therapy while I was jobless and just... racked up that debt. It helped so much. For the first time in my life, things made sense and I felt like a valid human being.

But it came at such a steep cost.

Please, please, please universe. Please. I just want to work. I just want a job. At this point I am trapped into this corner and there's literally only one solution and I can't get a grip on it. I would literally give up everything I own for a chance.