Realistically, this is all black and white thinking. I know that not everyday day that passes will be bad, and there are people in my life that treat me well. That being said, the pain from not only being abused by mom is alive but also the pain of her loss 

I am 21F, and my abusive mom died from cancer last year. I always wished her dead. Ever since I was 7, I always prayed to God that he would take her away and stop the abuse. Prayer doesn’t work that way, and it’s something that’s resulted in me being disconnected from God

I am currently living at home with toxic family and don’t have the financial means to leave. My dad, who enabled the abuse, actually gets along with me decently. But he has his moments. My younger brother, also a victim of her abuse and is grieving her loss, is abusive and hurtful. Coupled with being a teen, there’s a lot going on. My aunt is a narc, my cousin and uncle have anger issues. My grandma is the only one who I truly get along with and she reminds me of my worth, even though I refuse to believe her 

My neighbors still talk highly of my mom. One of my neighbors knew of the abuse but told me to go back home anyways. My whole past thinks of my mom as amazing. I fear going to certain places because they will say “your mom was so nice”!

Some days, well almost daily, I think of suicide. I start DBT next week, take Zoloft, is in group therapy and goes to a church group. Heck I even go to a cat cafe to relax. But all of that doesn’t take away anything. While I am young, why should I have to suffer? I can just die, go to heaven, and be in peace. I feel like I’m living just to please other people. I don’t matter. I suck and I’m only one person of billions. Why live for other people if it hurts? I just wish I had the strength to end it all 