
So I’ll sum up my story. I broke up with my girlfriend weeks after we started dating, this was in the middle of the semester, (so we dated from the beginning of the semester to the middle) it just wasn’t what I wanted. It’s not that I wanted to be with other girls, I just truly enjoyed doing my own thing and have no responsibilities that I had before we dated. The night I broke up with her she was so upset crying, and I didn’t do anything to help, I just wanted her to go home because I was annoyed…. 

This is the fucked up part. When she left, I ended up texting my friend who’s a girl, we always thought each other was cute, so it was a friendship like that I guess you can say, but we never had sex, but hung out before, and kissed. (There were times where me and my girlfriend had our problems, and I’d think what if I was with this other girl ? So our problems had me think of her sometimes). I ended up going over to talk, because I was kinda relieved I had broken up with my girlfriend, I wanted to kind of reconnect, I cut her off when I got my girlfriend. Well it was late and I didn’t feel like leaving so I ended up sleeping in her bed. 

My thought process was, out of respect for my ex, I’m not gonna sleep anywhere close to her, so I literally just went to bed. Obv now that’s where the guilt comes in play, that’s extremely fucked up on my part, moving on that quick. Well when we were separated, I hung out with my ex and that girl. I stayed at that girls place a few more times, making out. More guilt here: I def would of had sex and kind of tried to initiate it, but she wasn’t into it. So I have guilt that I tried something with her. Hanging out with both of them sometimes happened back to back days. Some days I’d treat my ex like my girlfriend, I still cared about her I wanted to be friends with her, I had no hate towards her, I just wanted to stay friends. She stayed over some times, we still had sex. We would do things together, sometimes on the weekend go and out to parties. We acted like we were dating. But there were some nights I’d ignore her telling her I didn’t want to talk and leave me alone. This is extremely manipulative, kind of bipolar actions. I treated her like shit. I was literally bouncing around with my ex and this other girl for a 3 week period. Eventually, something clicked, she’s what I truly wanted and at the end of the semester, I cut the other girl off.. And it was just me and my ex for the final four weeks of the semester. 

We started dating again right when we were going home for the summer, and she was upset when I told her what I did, she had no clue, she knew I was friends with other girl but didn’t think I was hanging out and sleeping over and stuff. A week went by when she was better and she told me its gonna take time to move on, as it was in the past and I was single, and she knows it won’t happen again. 

 I feel like I’m a cheater, I was always the person who got upset when others cheated, because that’s not love. I feel like a cheater because I kind of alternated between both when I was single, just to end up getting back together with the girl I was with initially. It’s not like we broke up with no contact for a year, this was all within a month. When she said “it’s in the past so eventually it won’t bother her”, my thought was, well if I cheat on her, or murder someone, if it’s “in the past”, then apparently it doesn’t matter all of a sudden using that logic. 

This is why I have anxiety and guilt 
The only problem is, what I did when I was single. I know I was single and it shouldn’t matter, but the gap when I was with someone else after our initial relationship continuously kills me. I had this chance to have an ideal relationship when we were together from the start, but that can never happen, because literally a month into our relationship, I ended it and hung out with both of them, just to end up together with just her. We’ve talked numerous times and she tells me I can’t let the past affect what we have now, and she’s right, but if I’m a cheater this relationship isn’t able to exist.  


I understand all my actions are terrible, but I’m here because I really need advice. We’re actually very happy right now, the relationship is great. I think that this is always gonna affect us, because it happened so early, it kind of defines or is the “first impression” of our relationship. I know some will say it’s in the past so let it go, but there’s things that are in the past that are to bad to forgive and move on. 

Am I overreacting about everything ? I feel like Ross from friends. It’s hard giving her all this love now, because I know how much I hurt her before, you don’t do that to someone you love. I wish I never ended it, and I wish I could of just waited to see if I eventually woulda been happy being in the relationship like I did in the first few weeks. She’s been hurt by other guys and I told her before we dated I would never hurt her, and I’m not like them, but thats a lie isn’t it, I broke up with her…. I truly don’t know how/why I wanted to end it months ago, I keep kicking myself asking WHY I had to end it and WHY I didn’t wait a while to see if that feeling of not wanting to date would go away, and it has been killing me with guilt all summer….

Very long, I don’t know where else to post, I plan on seeing a school counselor, I just want to post on here for others opinions of my situation. This guilt is killing me 24/7 for the past month. For instance, I was looking at old texts, and I came across the day we broke up, and seeing that date made me want to throw up. I constantly look at her with guilt thinking she shouldn’t date me after what I did to her. I ask myself, what if she did this to me, would it affect me? I don’t think it will. I woulda been pissed at first, but then I would be like, well that sucks, but she was single, she’s mine now. But then I say, she didn’t get with anyone because she loves me, so how can I love her after hurting her before ? 

So this story is why I’m struggling in my relationship. We’re so good right now, I do truly love her. And that’s why I have guilt, for the ways I went behind her back after we dated. I know no relationship is perfect, but this is something I think will always define our relationship. No matter all the love we give each other, there’s always this gap in the very beginning, that I feel defines our relationship. Its kind of like the “first impression” of the relationship. If we get married, what do I tell people ? We dated for a month, broke up and I was with her and another girl, and I decided to drop the other girl for her? That’s just not right. Again suuuuper long, I just need opinions and thoughts. I know lots will tell me it’s in the past and I may be overthinking everything, but what would you do if this was your relationship ? Thank you for reading.