I don't have many memories of my childhood, but I do not remember a time I was not sexualized. I remember very graphic encounters with other children my age (4-7, I believe).  I only remember being the initiator, but I had to be shown by someone at some point. I'm battling between seeking therapy with the intention of seeking out my hidden sexual trauma; or focusing more on moving past the damage of my childhood and instead focus on the person I am today. 


Tbf, this is one of the first times I've admitted these things.  I've lived with guilt and shame my entire life about the things I do remember....I don't know if I want to know the truth. Tonight was the first time I let myself cry for the hurt child inside me. It felt good to address it... but, I don't know if I could deal with the details of my abuse. I do believe I was involved with a neighborhood 'ring' of sorts. The other kids involved I still know, the anxiety I felt growing up nearly killed me. 

The abuse is not singular, it happened along multiple venues, as well, with different people. Usually other kids. I've felt like a magnet, or worse, the perpetrator. 


Is this trauma worth exploring, knowing I'll have to see these people and not be able to confront them.... Or is it better to just be thankful for the memories I've lost? 