I can’t go more than 2 days sober without what I think might be panic attacks, and I can’t get to sleep until like 3am on the few days I don’t drink. I could barely make it on a coffee run today without freaking out. I’ve self harmed almost every day for the past few weeks. I’m absolutely exhausted but the emotional pain is like a physical pain. It just keeps getting more intense until I do something about it. I don’t trust anybody, I don’t have friendships to the level where I could open up about this, and my last therapist ghosted me after two appointments. I feel like an alien around other people, their lives seem so much easier and functional. I’m all over the place day to day and I’m so tired of it. I either hate every ounce of myself or think I’m fucking gods gift to humanity. I was suicidal a few weeks ago, now I’m just exhausted and sick of being sick.

And at the same time I’m absolutely fine, nothings wrong and never has been. I’m great actually. When I’m in that mode, I’m totally disconnected from the other feelings aside from physical evidence of the cuts on my arm.

Just tell me this isn’t normal. I don’t know what to think or believe.