I'm not sure if this is even the right sub for this but I just needed to vent my thoughts somewhere. I've been going to bed and getting up crying with the realisation that I have not come remotely close to the mental strength that I wanted to work for. I've disappointed myself and forced my friends to step away from me because I'm damaging our relationships. It's so painful to have the people who love me most, and that I love deeply, hurt because I am not the person I should be. I know it is in their best interest to not have toxic people in their lives, they deserve better and I appreciate them being upfront about it. It's so tough trying to get better when you're alone and your worst enemy is yourself, there's no way to escape. Pretending everything is fine seemed to work but eventually it all comes back around. It's been 10 years of the same kind of cycle and I have not grown as much as I should to properly function as a person. Looking forward scares me, I see no hope.   
I'm going to try more intense therapy but that still requires me to work on myself. I don't know if I can succeed in making progress and if I don't, then what? I want to be close with someone without hurting them deeply and I've been unable to. I don't want to settle for feeling 'just okay'. I don't want life to pass me by while my biggest accomplishments will be getting out of bed in the morning.  
I feel impossible and I don't know what to do. It's 6 AM and another struggle begins. I'm crying.