(F.25) I've spent the majority of my life, even in childhood, feeling as if I were a ball and chain to everyone in my life. I've made it through another winter but my world is no warmer. Batter up, seasons are changing. Wanna trip balls? 

I thought about this the other day. I'm 25 so thus far I've had 25 summers, 25 springs, 25 falls, and 25 winters. Considering how fast time is going anymore it's fucking terrifying and then I micro-analyze everything I've done in the past and all the wasted time I'll never get back. I won't get that back. This summer I didn't like shit. And I didn't go outside.

They say the world is your oyster and someone could be fine floating out at sea, but if I tag along I'll serve no purpose and will only act as concrete boots.. I know I've been sinking for awhile now. The world has been waterboarding me since I was born. I won't let the people I love go down with me. That's why sometimes in my head it's easy to think the people around me would be better off without me. I've had a split view of everything my entire life because I always wanted to be able to see things from both sides. I've honed this skill, sharpened it like a knife; I've found more often than not most things tend to be double-edge swords. It's less hurtful to believe they were right in trying to destroy you than to accept the fact that they didn't value you. What about all that time I can't get back? What am I supposed to do? The world says you need friendships, money, college, degrees, good jobs. I've learned early that creature comforts will never suffice. They're fleeting. I knew I had to get on medicine and I knew I needed help. I can't cushion my fall with degrees, food, cooking, shopping, new clothes bright lights plants god damn fucking stupid shit, nails, happy my hairs healthy I'm getting a 4.0 I'm loosing my breath and I am dying inside. It's all bullshit, none of that matters. It never did, and one day that will hit you like a ton of bricks. What did I expect? only a fool would try to build an empire on a foundation made of sand. I'll live with regret for my whole life. I try my best to stay strong. I'm building myself up slowly. Most days it feels like I have one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel. I can't escape the feeling, a compulsion that I should probably look up just to be sure there's no piano hanging over my head waiting to drop. It hurts to live like this.

I just gotta say this. I think a lot about jumping off a bridge. It's one of the only things that gives me comfort. It's my choice. Like a shutdown button on a nuclear reactor. I always thought jumping off a bridge would be an easy way to go. I can float on that thought for awhile but my mind always swings to the realities of that decision.  The truth is if you jump off a bridge into water you might as well be falling onto concrete. High divers are only able to do what they do because the pressure is concentrated in one place when they hit the water with their feet that's why they stay stiff as a board. Small scale I think of it as the difference between dropping a needle pointing straight down or dropping a needle that's laying on its side. It's really just about surface tension. So if you jumped into a large body of water from a considerable height your body weight would be evenly distributed when you hit the water so essentially it acts as solid ground. That stops me, too. 

To me, above all else, if someone offered me bookoo bucks elon musk type of money trust fund baby shit purple lamborghini OR my full and complete mental/physical health I would choose good health in a heartbeat. No hesitation. So many times I wanted to give up, I still do most days. I'm dealing. So many times sobbing to myself I say "what's life without the quality of life? there's no quality in this. I am broken." You've become well acquainted with your blank wavering glossy stare. I hung in there. The physical and mental anguish is unbearable. Just wake up the next morning. Get to tomorrow, that's all you have to do. I wish I could wake up one day and just be normal. Those who have their health take it for granted, make no mistake about it. I regret all the times I didn't say wow I feel great when those times did happen, because now I can only remember all the times I said I feel like shit. 

 People are really truly shaped by their experiences in high school. Regardless of your age- in school, 18-55 there are things you learn that stick with you your whole life. I never fought with anyone because I had no reason to. I honestly was just chill I think to most people I give off a hippy vibe, and I've been told, but like conflict I just wasn't about it. Even when my friend group would get into petty arguments and I would have both of them texting me simultaneously talking shit about each other and expecting me to reply with "I know this fucking bitch ha, am I right?" but I never did I said you guys love each other you're best friends you guys are going to go back to normal next week I'll put money on it. And that was always true. In school something small could happen and it feels like it rocked your whole entire world. But by next week it doesn't matter. It never did the whole time. With that being said I had a lot of friends of all grades. I talked to everyone. I didn't care who they were. I was just nice to everyone because I believe strongly in karmic retribution. Despite the crippling anxiety just straight constant fear and depression I'm naturally a people person and usually have a lot of energy and hype in me so when I was in school and I was feeling down or not smiling EVERYONE would walk up to me and ask me if I was okay. And I quickly realized that there is a FINE ASS LINE between care and curiosity. I knew that 3% of those asking me truly gave a shit, and the other 97% just wanted to know my business. And you might be thinking woah bitch slow your roll what makes you think people give a fuck about YOU that much. And I'd say you're right that's my fucking point man. I think it's just part of being a human. Why does anyone follow anyone on social media? They're curious, and you're telling. I've become a very private person. I don't use social media anymore. I haven't since the 11th grade because I think it's toxic when all people portray idealistic versions of themselves cocooned in their cozy life and it's all a farce. It will never be an insulation against suffering. No one sees what happens behind closed doors. Never forget that. Honest to god it was like a revelation and the first thing I felt was intense anger. I was angry. I had 20000009072983748 acquaintances and no friends. I didn't want to let this make me bitter, I chose instead to just be keenly aware. I don't tell anyone anything and I never have.

 I don't know what it is about me but I think I give off some type of feeling to people that it's safe to open up and vent to me. I just want to help people and I just wanna save some lives man. This isn't anything mean. I quickly realized that if you want a person to like you all you have to do is listen intently and ask questions. If there's one thing a person loves more than hearing themselves talk, it's to know they're being listened to. This has backfired on me many times before.

 I have to tell someone this because this is the world the mentality we live in now and it's fucked. When she told me i was dumbfounded I didn't know what to say besides I love you and hugging her. She spoke in a very matter of fact tone but I could tell by the pain in her eyes she was crushed. A girl I worked with told me how she went to her first semester at an extremely competitive expensive ass pharmacology school and in her first semester boarding there two of the female students tried to commit suicide because they felt like they weren't good enough it was just too much pressure to excel. One of them jumped off the balcony and the other girl tried to overdose on over the counter painkillers and the girl who did that did irreversible damage to herself and it's impaired her brain function. When my friend came home from college on winter break (the time she was telling me this) she said she told her mom and her mom took her out to get a life insurance policy on her daughter in case she committed suicide because the mom co-signed all her student loans. She was worried about the debt. The fucking debt. I wanted so badly to find her mom grab her arms to shake some sense into her and scream "BITCH LOVE YOUR CHILD HOLY FUCK!". Let that sink in for a second. In my head I was screaming "HOLY SHIT IS THIS WHAT ITS COME DOWN TO JESUS CHRIST AT WHAT FUCKING COST MAN. This is the world we live in.

And also what makes me sad is knowing that people in this world will never get along. We all have our own vision of an idealistic society but that'll never be. How could we ever expect whole countries to get along when we can't even get along for whatever reason in houses with families that live together or someone's neighbor next door. Political views aside I know brothers who live up the road from each other, grew up together as best friends their whole entire lives and now they hate each other and haven't spoken in years over politics. When you shine a light on that fact, I wonder what made people think the whole world can get along.

Stay strong out there my friends it's a struggle everyday to just exist. But we all must go on, even on your darkest days tell yourself over and over again "just wake up tomorrow". From the words of Charles Bukowski that I say to myself everyday and every night

&amp;#x200B;

"In the morning it was morning and I was still alive."

if you found that to be a profound statement to you then you get it. You get it.

&amp;#x200B;

Keep holdin' it down for the underground.

&amp;#x200B;

\-sincerely, BadaBing.