When I have a good day I find it almost laughable to try to imagine the times I've been cutting, drinking and wanting to die. I just feel so overwhelmed by happiness/contentment/whatever on the good days that I really cannot remember feeling any other way... That's fucking great.

Then a bad day comes along and I abuse myself for being foolish enough to think that the good times would last and I am somehow "recovered". Now, this sadness, emptiness and apathy feel as though they're the only companions I have had or will ever have. How could I possibly feel anything other than this hopeless desperation I feel right now? I'm a fool to ever pretend I have ever been anything other than a useless failure.

I fucking hate that it is all or nothing. 