I’ve had a good life in the eyes of many people, but some experiences in life have impacted the way I live. I feel selfish. For taking up your time to read this. For taking up your time to consider an answer potentially. But nonetheless, if you could read what I have to say it is appreciated.

I’ve been called a sook, a crybaby. To man up, that I’m not a 5 year old. Stubborn, full of excuses. The voice in my head calls me stupid, dumb, inconsiderate and selfish… and honestly, I feel that way…

10. I was 10 years old when I first ever considered suicide. After that point, I tried moving on, but experiences kept haunting me. I was interrogated for a school incidence when I was only 12-13, and for a kid, it felt like a extremely harsh interrogation. Being forced to sit alone for hours, it probably wasn’t as bad as I made it out to me. But those scars I felt, like knifes piercing the skin. And even though I felt I matured after because I had to in order to take that sort of punishment, the knife lingered…

Now exams are upcoming and I have no confidence in myself. I haven’t slept properly for the past few days, and my parents, though they care for me, I wanted to do something else. Selfish aren’t I? So I’m up at midnight writing this… wanting to torture myself by not sleeping. I feel no pleasure in seeing others suffer, and I love helping others. 

Its the small things that matter, one of my teachers said once. Being male, I never get any compliments or anything usually. Of course its me being selfish again, but trying to raise other people’s feelings, yet not even getting a response in return, or even hearing them gloat more… it feels cold.

When I finally chose to go “sleep” I contemplated the ways I could be put to rest. I feel empty and cold. All those thoughts about being a waste of a human and resources… I don’t know anymore. I don’t.

I have this cold sadistic thought pleasure of seeing myself suffer.