In 3 hours it’ll be my 19th birthday (F), and I haven’t felt this hopeless in a very long time. I’m sure this is a somewhat universal experience, but I’m reaching out to see how others cope with their birthdays and the unspoken difficulty of celebration. It feels as if I’m mocking my true destiny, which wasn’t being alive. I don’t want to celebrate life, simply enough. I enjoy getting gifts and having people make me feel good, odd enough. But beneath that surface level happiness is an unbearable amount of depression I can’t seem to shake. 

I am going through extreme medication changes (just weened off lithium and am now taking abilify), so maybe that’s why things are particularly bad, but I always have struggled with my birthday. I have no idea what to do. I’m just crying, and crying, and crying, and crying. Not the quiet, gentle cries, I am full out scream crying and sobbing into my pillow about how I wish I wasn’t here. There’s such a huge cost to ending my life, and I honestly just don’t think I have the balls, which makes me that much more angry and pitiful. 

I’m reaching out in disparity to see if anyone feels the same way? What do you do to make the pain more bearable? Do you know why you or I may feel this way? 

I will try my best today, but it is so hard. I just want to enjoy my 19th birthday.