I just. Fuck my brain. Fuck this. Fuck bpd. I fucking hate how my brain works sometimes.

He legit just wanted to spend time together and cuddle up but he kept touching in ways I don’t like that are somewhat ticklish and it makes my skin crawl and I was telling him to stop and he wasn’t listening and I started getting overwhelmed bc it was just sensory overload I needed it to stop and I snapped at him bc he was too close to me and I could feel him breathing on me.

He got annoyed and frustrated at me for being so snappy but it felt like the only way he would listen to me (which is super manipulative and I hate myself for it). 

I started thinking about how he’s just sick of me and my bullshit and that he’s gonna leave me (we’ve been together for almost 4 years now) and then started thinking about how I need space and I need to get away from him to think clearly and that I need to *leave* him before he can abandon me.

I have some abandonment issues if you can’t tell.....

I just fucking hate that I’m like this rn I was so frustrated at myself I just started hitting myself and pinching myself. I’m just over this. I hate feeling like this. I feel so unstable rn and I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow but idek how to explain how I’m feeling without just exploding on her.