really hoping that life will suddenly take a turn for the better. recently my best friend took her own life and i wasn’t there for her. i abandoned her when she needed me most. she only had me and it’s all my fault. i’m trans but cannot get any medical help due to my transphobic doctor and parents. i drift between my parents house and random friends places drinking and smoking myself to death. i’ve developed an alcohol problem since my friend is gone. i am so tired and so angry i don’t want to be alive but can’t leave my only other friend alone. i see no hope for the future and i have no motivations or dreams or plans. i am just working hopefully to move out even though the housing market is fucking shit. i don’t even know if i would be safe living alone but that’s all i want be anymore. i can’t care about anything and no one cares about me either. it’s okay though because the only thing i care about is making the most minimal impact in peoples lives. i hate being sad and i hate being happy.