I (19M) have been depressed since I was 16 years old. I want to kill myself but I can’t find a painless way to go through with it. I really don’t want to hang myself but I will if I have to. I hate myself and my life.

I live at home and I would ask my parents for some help but my mom has 4 younger children to take care of and my adopted father never has enough time for me. I don’t have a reliable support system. 

My parents have abused me and have made it clear that I’m not good enough for anything. They constantly shame me into thinking I don’t deserve good things. Instead of cheering me on when I’m down, they push me down when already down and trying to get back up. 

I’m a socially awkward introvert who hasn’t had a girlfriend since high school. Not to mention I dropped out and got my GED so I have the stigma of a “high school dropout” 

I want to make new friends and meet new people but I self sabotage every opportunity that presents itself. Like today, I was supposed to have a job interview but I didn’t show up. It got in my head too much. My mom shamed me for that one big time. I hate myself even more today because I just feel like a useless man to society. 

Could someone give me some tips? I need help to keep going