I was recently in a place with a good amount of people who seem to be able to have normal conversations with the spectrum just fine or way better than me so asking.

I've tried numerous experiments on myself to try to affect or alter my mental state including by trying to seek out life experiences (Not related to drugs or alcohol but literal experiences) which would forcefully switch off the part of myself or my brain by causing my identity of life to implode and collapse on itself I think. The latter of which resulted in me being far more socially aware for a time until I 'recovered' but it was like I had it at the cost of all self-preservation feelings or it was like that my 'will to life' emotions seemingly disappearing from my brain. I tried literally every single thing.

Again I still can't 'start or maintain conversations' because of how I am. I cannot connect with any people on an emotional level. I once maybe got into or almost got into a relationship with somebody but had no idea or instinct on how to start and maintain a conversation with the person then they ghosted me eventually on FB. In general for normal interactions I just never seemed able to connect.

So basically I've never been able to get into any kind of intimate relationship or friendship with anybody who isn't my family (Not once in my life) relative and generally focus on my own interests I think. I wish there are atleast reliable ways I could alter my brain if this is related. People have also said that I am 'robotic' in the way I interact with people I think. Whenever I get too close sometimes I think I just end up withdrawing for some reason because it feels like 'it burns' and is exhausting or something.

One of my earliest type of social interaction in my life was that I really liked to prank people's minds or something to get enjoyment from seeing interesting reactions.

Do you think this is related to my possible 'being on the spectrum' or not? I've had people say I am most likely on the spectrum but also some say that I might be schizotypal or have avoidant personality disorder.

I'm also somehow far more attuned to expecting bad things happening or bad things being said than anything positive and find it hard to escape that state. 

Rant: Its a prison thats been causing me extreme suffering and agony like a literal Hell, I would be willing to go into debt or have brain surgery to be able to cure myself because I DO NOT identity with how I currently am and feel extremely dysphoric because of it. I hate 'nature' more than anything else for putting me in this prison and wish it ceased to exist. I want them to make a medication, some kind of thing because I always have this pain in me that never stops because of how I can't live my life how I want it to be.