I just realized something and decided i need to get it out. Quick background, was ironically diagnosed borderline last week at the partial hospitalization program that i'm enrolled in because I was suicidal from a relationship ending with a woman who is also borderline. I knew nothing of the disorder prior to her and spent a lot of time reading up and studying in order to understand her and wasn't looking at myself. It was a shock for me at first but now I'm reflecting on myself and realizing more and more that this diagnosis is indeed very accurate. I mainly just didn't think so because my ex was very much so the acting out borderline where as I 95% of the time act inwards and put on a mask of normalcy. Anyway, I was just reading an article about why the sex is so good with those of us with BPD and one thing struck me. It said that for us it isn't truly about the sex and is more about being in control and having power over the other.  I thought about this and realized something terrible that I always do in a relationship. In the heat of the moment when I'm sure they're losing themselves I have always made them affirm to me that they're never going to leave me. I make them promise, knowing that I'm making them feel so good that they likely will say it. All to calm my panic that they're going to leave me... Like as if them saying it will make it true, but it calms the anxiety in that moment (and gives me something to say. In defense if they try to leave me) Especially since the whole experience only makes me attach further which triggers more anxiety of losing them. Not every time obviously,  but usually at least once with all of my exes ill do this. I don't think I'm in the right mind in that moment to think that I'm controlling them, but now that I look back i think it would be accurate to say. It makes me feel terrible about myself because I'm only now figuring out how truly controlling and manipulative I am. Just another reason to think I'm a terrible person. Anyone else relate?