This is long, so thanks to whoever decides it's worth reading. 


Let begin with: 
- I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, so every emotional inconvenience is blown way out of proportion. Not to say other mental illnesses don't have this effect, but this is the reason for mine the majority of the time. 
- I also have a diagnosis of PTSD that makes me have really stressful bad dreams/nightmares. I take medicine for it, which has helped for a long time. High stress is probably why it's not working now. 
- I also have an eating disorder, which has been combined with weight loss caused by needing to eat soft foods from a surgery I had on my jaw.
- I won't get into this because it doesn't really matter except that it has caused some emotional turmoil in the last few months, but I have serious issues with my parents.  


Here's the situation:

I don't normally dream because of the medication I'm taking for the nightmares. Recently, I began to dream again. At first they weren't super bad, I just became a little stressed because if I'm dreaming again that means they will escalate into something more negative. They have. Two nights ago, I involuntarily lucid dreamed all night about really stressful situations that I can't remember now. I only got about three hours of sleep.

I have been losing weight fairly quickly, which is exciting considering my issues, but I feel guilty because my dietitian and I talked about how I'm doing it to help my body heal and not to lose weight. I've stepped on the scale even though I said I wouldn't multiple times. I've put weight loss before caring for my body. I respect her a lot, so it's hard.

Last night, everything came together. I was already depressed from mentally dealing with my parents, not sleeping enough, and feeling guilty about my eating issues when I had a nightmare. I don't remember any major details aside from feeling like I was eating a lot of food and feeling so guilty, even though I was really just eating normally again, instead of the soft diet I've been on. I didn't gain weight in the dream, I just "knew" that it was because I was eating. I was so restless all night, but never completely woke up and just kept dreaming this dream.

Today, I just want to not exist anymore. My jaw and ears and head hurt almost continuously since the surgery. I'm too afraid of gaining weight to eat; I have had some food today, but feel like I can't eat more or the weight will pile back on by tomorrow. I'm so depressed. I know it's totally irrational thinking and I don't know why I'm so set on this idea if I know that, but my whole body is responding so negatively to this; it feels heavy and tired. I feel like I could give in because it's all messed up and I have no way out. I'm falling apart. 

Please help.