Yo,

So I haven't come across anyone else that has quite felt/experienced what I have in terms of anxiety so I'm putting this out here to open a discussion &amp; see if anybody potentially relates in some way. I won't take much time:

So, since as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling that moves from my upper abdomen to the dead center of my chest. Up &amp; down, up &amp; down. Sometimes it just sits right in between or at either spot. It it similar to that "butterflies in your stomach" feeling but much more stronger to the point it infiltrates your thoughts. As a little kid, I thought it was something in me that had to be released—not physically but emotionally/spiritually (I didn't know these words yet but looking back that's how I understood it). I got abused as a kid and whenever it happened this feeling grew stronger.

This is important to note: I have no intrusive thoughts. All thoughts are voluntary but influenced. In social situations, I have no thoughts that make me anxious. I have no thoughts that reinforce my anxiety and make it stronger. At various points this feeling at the center of me would slowly rise up in me like some crocodile slowly exposing its head from the water and make me feel miserable. Like something is about to snatch or pounce at me. It is almost the feeling of being watched or stalked. You're in a constant state of "what's about to happen?"

Abuse &amp; years of untreated chronic pain probably nurtured this feeling.

After going through immense physical pain &amp; stress not too long ago these roots in my chest began to leak out a specific but weirdly familiar poison: mortality. All of a sudden it clicked and I have this constant sense of my own mortality as well as an overwhelming sense of confusion &amp; misery about existence; my existence. It is there 24/7. Sometimes it's a monster. Sometimes it's a little troll. Though it's with me.

I am NOT suicidal. I don't THINK I'm depressed. Though part of me misses something dearly and another part is eager for something else. There is an ounce of hope and there is comfort in that. These things revolve around this anxiety though and helps it to fester.

I've had panic attacks before. My heart pounds, it taps on my sternum rapidly, and it exhausts me from time to time. I get dizzy. Sometimes I can't do anything. Sometimes I'm in this intense derealization state where I feel like a ghost and reality is crumbling before me. This derealization has lasted 3 weeks before nonstop. Every. Single. Thing... I do brings me this intense anxious feeling. I can barely exercise without feeling I'm going to collapse.

Then other days I'm okay. For 10 seconds to a few minutes every couple of months or so I might feel genuinely happy &amp; at peace. My attention is always, in some way, focused on reality &amp; what it is; why am I trapped &amp; bound. This feeling I described as needing to be released as a child is me feeling like I'm in a prison—needing to be released.

It's hard to put the feeling into words. Everyday is a struggle.