Hi people... I'm sorry this will be such a long post. Also sorry for my English.

I'm a 29 year old female designer who suffers from social anxiety since I was like 11, mainly due to my mom being overprotective and my classmates making fun of me for being too quiet.

I started university in 2011 pursuing a degree in Design and before that, my home was my safe place. School was a block away from my house, and even though I didn't have a good time with my classmates, I knew my family was just a few meters away. At that time I couldn't buy stuff by myself, I couldn't go out by myself or with friends (except for walking to school), basically I couldn't cross that barrier of my house and the outside world. I would only do those things with my family (my mom in particular) because I was afraid I'd look stupid or I'd make a mistake or something. I was afraid of what people would think of me if they saw me on the streets ("Oh look! She's out!", "She's alone!").

After graduating from high school, I started attending university in the capital city (I live in a country in South America), which meant I would be an hour and a half away from home. I couldn't move there (anxiety) so I commuted every single day... Around 3 hours a day wasted in public transport.

Those were not the only things... My degree required weekly presentations in front of my classmates and for the first 3 years I just couldn't do it, so my group mates would present for me. I was in therapy at the time, and little by little I was facing my fears. I started improving but anxiety made my stay in uni much longer than it was expected. It took me freaking 6 years to graduate. It was such a struggle. Taking the subway, taking the train, walking by myself, buying stuff by myself, talking to people, presenting my final project in front of a commission... I really don't know how I survived.

Anyways... fast forward to the present. I've now been working for 3 years as a UX designer and I recently started working in a new technology company and I keep facing the same fears, not as bad as when I was younger, but everyone keeps saying "you need to be good at presenting in front of clients", "you need good soft skills", "you need to communicate better", "you need to be able to answer difficult questions in the middle of a meeting" and even though some days I think "yeah, I'm gonna work, I'm gonna improve and I'll get better at all this", other days (like today) I just feel defeated. I feel it takes so much effort, so much of my energy to be a good designer, just because I have to be more outspoken, more outgoing, more "good with people" and I feel I'm not made for this. 

Design is the only thing I know how to do and the only thing I'm mildly good at and I'm tired of feeling I have to constantly push myself, my personality, my way of being to fit in the job market. I'm just exhausted of never being enough for other people. I just wish I could find a good paying job where I could be myself. Just design stuff and ship it. Just spend my days working at my own rhythm, with no distractions and no anxiety. 

I'm so sorry for venting but I feel defeated at this point. I'm a perfectionist and I like to excel at the things I do, but I feel like anxiety is a damn curse and I will never be good because you need to be outgoing, outspoken, a people's person to be good in my field. I feel so lost...