So I'm 18 now and have a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome that I received when I was around 6/7 that has always caused me severe anxiety issues. I moved out to uni about 6 months ago which has so far been great for me and my parent's relationship. Previously it had been very strained as throughout my whole childhood I have argued a lot with my parents and caused a lot of arguments between them. Socially I would say I am basically neurotypical and haven't really had issues in that area since before I was a teenager. My main issues have always been with emotional regulation and demand avoidance, basically when I get upset I can have uncontrollable meltdowns consisting of crying, shouting, hitting objects and saying things I don't mean. It is insanely hard for me to calm down from these meltdowns and at its worst it can take hours. I take full responsibility for all my actions, meltdown or not because at the end of the day they are still my actions to own. The worst of it is the link to demand avoidance where I find myself filled with uncontrollable anger and stress when I am asked to do even the simplest of tasks sometimes. This has, inevitably, caused a lot of tension and arguments between me and my parents. In addition, my severe anxiety has had a huge impact on my parent's lives as I have been unable to cope with and do certain things and was even unable to go to school for almost a year when I was around 8. My parents have done the best they can but all of this drama and negativity has put a huge strain on their relationship and has resulted in many irreversibly hurtful comments aimed at me, it never helped that I have a younger neurotypical brother who is very laid back and different to me. Throughout my whole childhood, it was relayed to me either subconsciously or through comments made to me in anger that I have caused huge problems for them both individually and relationship-wise and I can see the impact I have had on my mother especially as she is much more emotional than my father. I tried to seek help all through my childhood ranging from CBT to family therapies that basically just turned into us all sat talking to a therapist about how much I was damaging my parent's lives. I have was on antidepressants from 12 until 14 which only resulted in side effects and suicidal mood swings. 

I am left with insane guilt that takes over every aspect of my life, I just can't let go of the fact that I have caused such harm and distress to the lives of people that I love so much. When I was a teen this came out in nightly self-harm which again when discovered by my parents only hurt them even more. I have said so many things to them in my meltdowns that I would do anything to take back. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself no matter how much I try to be as great and thoughtful of a daughter as I can be I just fear it's too late. I am left with constant anxiety, depersonalization and panic attacks which I self-medicate with both dark web bought diazepam and the small amount I get prescribed each month. 

Last night I had a vivid dream about me having a meltdown and my mother snapping and driving us both into a lake to our deaths and it has just hit me how much this is tearing me up. Is this something anyone else has experienced? I just want to know what I can do to try and reclaim my life back from this overwhelming guilt.