Pretty much self explanatory. I always feel like when everything is going wrong, when it feels like everything is starting to come crashing down on me and I don't know how to make it stop, after every sleepless night I spend thinking about how much I hate myself, I feel like I have nobody to turn to, nobody to talk to about all the crazy things going on in my head and just all the feelings. For a while I was very good at ignoring them, pushing them down as far as I possibly could and avoiding them, but lately it's like I have no control over them and I can't make them stop but I also don't know how to get them out. I DO have people to talk to, people I know would be there for me, I just won't let them I don't know why. It only makes me feel worse because I know that not everyone has that kind of support, and I do and I won't even let them be there for me. I hardly even give them a clue just how fucked I feel all the time. Sometimes I feel like if someone else is struggling too that I shouldn't be or at least that I should not express that I am, that it not right or fair of me to express them, to take away from their issues, make anything about me or put my feelings above theirs. Sometimes I wonder if I just keep them to myself because I think that I deserve to feel it all, like I deserve to feel all the guilt and shame and hatred for myself. But I don't really know why. I don't think it's because I don't trust them? And a lot of the time I genuinely do want to talk to about them, I want to express them so badly that I feel like if I don't I would just explode but it's like there's a part of me inside that is screaming to get out and just let it all out but another part is working harder to keep the other reigned in and kept from being able to. Even sometimes when I'm able to begin to express my feelings I can't follow through, I chicken out and change the subject, which just makes me feel worse I feel like I'm just making people worry about me just to continue to keep them at an arms distance and I feel like eventually they'll hate me for it, or think that I'm just trying to manipulate them or get their attention or pity. I don't mean to but I really feel like I can't help it. Like I am physically incapable of actually expressing any sort of real emotion. I'm just not sure what to do anymore about it. I really need to talk to someone but I don't know how. I guess I'm just wondering if there's anyone who feels the same? Anyone who has and has been able to get over it?