I’ve lived alone twice now; both times were in campus housing at my college and it was great having a space to myself, but each time my stay was cut short then I’d have to move back in with my parents. The first time I was sent home for an “extended” spring break  then basically stayed in my room for over two years straight (I bet you can guess why) and the second time I realized that I wouldn’t be able to afford living on campus anymore. I’m glad to have a place to lay my head, but that’s just how this feels… my parents house is just a place to sleep at night.

My brother took over my old room so I’m in his old room now. There’s this terrible red accent wall with those LED strip lights up instead of the pretty lilac walls that I picked out when I was in eight grade. Now, I share a tiny bathroom with two other people, nobody respects any privacy I could have had anymore since my room is so conveniently placed that people just take shit from it when they want or store stuff, and nothing feels like mine.

Doesn’t help that my mom and I have a terrible relationship; the kinda bad where I don’t think I’d cry for her at her funeral, but that I missed out on something as basic as a good mom because the mom I got didn’t actually care about me. I’m constantly walking on eggshells anytime I know she’s nearby, even when she just might be listening. I’m afraid to tell her anything about my day, because she’ll either nitpick it to oblivion or scream in my face until her mouth is foaming over for things that don’t matter.

People keep treating me like I’m a rude bitch now for being too tired to respond like I used to when texting or calling. Maybe I’m just making it up in my head, but I swear the people around me feel what a burden I’ve become over the past few months. I don’t hangout with anyone other than my boyfriend, really; he’s tried setting up girl’s nights for me or budget spa nights and I appreciate the efforts, but I’m too drained for any of it.

The only fulfillment I feel is from eating, cleaning, and getting achievements on Steam. All this stress is making my heart condition flare up terribly.

I don’t want to die, but I want it to stop. I feel so empty. How does it stop…