I think I may be near the end.  I've removed myself from pretty much all social media.  I have a few friends, but it shouldn't take long until I push them away too.  It's already happening. And once the pain I'll cause others is minimized, I can do my thing.  

The breakup will likely expedite things, and I already see her slanting her side and the lies starting again.  This happened with my first wife too.  After she left she started lying about me and making everything my fault, even though a lot of it was her not dealing with her bipolar disorder.  People who knew me knew it wasn't true, but I couldn't face all of the people who didn't know me, and so I stopped hanging out with everyone.  Added to that, I was such a downer that no one wanted to hang out with me anyway.

And it's happening again, but at least this time there's no real community to speak of.  Just a couple of friends who were her friends to begin with.

I'm just too broken.  I've tried, but there's just no point.  No meds have ever helped, and I wrecked this because I just wasn't strong enough.  I guess if I'm not strong enough, then I can finally stop being strong.  

I locked up all the guns in the house to avoid impulsive acts, but I'm starting to lose the ability to say anything is impulsive anymore.

I hope this is transient, but I kinda hope even more it's not, and I will finally be free soon.

I've been on enough other ends of posts/letters/cries for help like this to know everything that will be said.  But unfortunately I doubt any of it will help.  I'm sorry to put you in a position where you tried.

After my first wife left me, I even called the suicide line.  I outlined all of the rational reasons why it made sense to kill myself.  I could tell the person on the other end really wanted to come up with a reason not to.  But they couldn't. And at this point I can't either.  I'm not even sure what the point of posting this is.  Well, I do.  I hurt, and I guess I just want someone to know I tried.  Even if it's just an internet stranger.

Sorry.

I really am.