Quite frankly, I hate myself right now.

I hate that I never know who I am. I'm just a big, phony chameleon. Is this what they mean when they say "no stable sense of self"?

I just float around anxiously, waiting for my next social interaction to determine who I am and what my role is.

I doubt myself at every turn. Mania and depression fluctuate like a 140BPM metronome, except their usual mixed, so I'm just vibrating inside a still body, hating myself.

Knowing it's my mental illness helps cope for a while until it's just a glaring realization that working through my dumb brain is going to be a very long process and one I'll probably have to stay on top of indefinitely.

Not being able to trust yourself is such a fucked up feeling.

I want to eat xanax until I fall asleep and just stay that way (not kill myself, just sleep).

I want to cry and cry and cry and run a marathon at the same time.

My life is a perpetual mixed state.

I feel like a real crazy person.

This is hard.