Yesterday one part of me wanted to off myself. Another part wanted to try cutting myself. Then another part just wanted to pack my things and get in a car drive away and never to return. It took everything out of me fight these urges. I’m always depressed. Been battling it since I was a kid. But I haven’t felt this low in a long time. Scary feeling. Yesterday was supposed to be a good day. I was going to go shopping and try to have some fun. But it was ruined.

I got a knock on my door asking for money. Always asked for money. I have no problem helping out. But it’s a big difference between helping out and being taken advantage of. It made me just stay in my room in the bed all day and night. Didn’t go anywhere. Im already frugal so it take a lot for me to spend money on useless things. 

I planned on getting a room for my bday next week and get a pedicure but now I thought I do it. I don’t deserve it. And it is a lot of money to spend on one day. While laying in the bed it made me think of all the bad things people done to me. Especially men. How I give so much and people just take. Im never taken seriously or treated with respect. I really wanted somebody in real life that I could have went to go see and talk to. Would have been a big help. But nothing I can do about it now. So much I want to say but just feel useless.