I'm just so so tired,all i can feel is emptiness,i wish i have never been born, before i go to bed every night i pray today will be my last day on earth

the reason why I'm still breathing is for my family,i want them to have a better life in the future,i know that they have been through a lot and how hard they work for us to have a better life.But the way they treated us with their words,they called me a whore,slut just because I was "lazy" or called me a filthy liar when i said "I'm tired,i wanna stay home"

i want to be the child they proud of,i achieved awards and nominations in study,they bragged about it to relatives,co worker,etc..but when i failed something,the way they looked at me full of disappointment,i felt guilty.

my cat had an accident last year and unfortunately he couldn't make it,i cried and cried all day and night,my parents told me to stop making a fuss about it or people would think they abuse their child.They even made a joke about his dead,I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP OVER A YEAR AND I EVEN HAVE PTSD ABOUT IT.They told me that was his fate to die,they could never understand how much it hurts to lose their love one so i wanted them to feel how i felt,i planned on kill myself

but i couldn't kill myself, because I'm a coward,i never want to die,i just want the pain to end,and i couldn't leave my siblings behind,my siblings are still young and innocent,they care free about life and i want them to continue to feel that way.I could give them trauma because i know if i killed myself they would be the first to find out.

people sometimes compliments me that I'm mature for my age,i never felt proud of it,i know i deserved to have the childhood i should have

my parents told me i was selfish to think about killing myself,wow if i was that selfish i would be 6ft underground by now.Every single words they told me i engraved 'em in my mind my thoughts,driving me to the edge.
"Why you act like this?" i don't know,mom...i don't really know 

they proud saying they know me the best,yeah they feel happy cause i starve myself to make me less a "pig". Depression isn't the only thing i suffer,i have ed,ptsd,insomnia,trust issue,insecurities,..

i don't want my parents to be blamed for neglected their child and made them killed their self

my grades are going down,my tasks are building up,i can't rest,i don't have the energy to do anything,i just want to end everything,i really don't know what to do,im tired...

now i even cries in class,i so fucked
sorry if i made any typo,my eyes literally so blurry from crying rn