Yesterday I had to take a delivery of heavy boxes of the liquid nutrition I’ve been living on. Stupidly I tried lifting the boxes myself.

I have osteoporosis and I’m really underweight. I heard a crack in my back and was in agony. A&amp;E sent me out with codeine.

It still really hurts. I think I’ve done damage. They want me to wait and see how it goes before doing scans.

The thing is I’m not overly concerned about the damage it’s the fact that I’m in this situation in the first place.

I’m a fucking 21 year old dude with osteoporosis because my anxiety and depression got left by my parents and doctors even though I was fucking starving to death.

I have derealisation and depersonalisation. I’ve been stuck in my bed pretty much 24/7 since November. The doctors wanted me admitted to hospital in December because I was close to starving to death, they didn’t admit because they were worried if I caught covid in there I’d die.

I’ve had so much fucking trauma happen all my life.

Funny thing is that I’ve got money, a car, I’m not having to work but I don’t have my health and I’m lonely as fuck.

Tonight I’m lying here crying, it feels good to cry because I feel numb the majority of the time.

I feel so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. The panic attacks are relentless. I keep worrying that I’ll hurt myself.

Oh I forgot to mention I need multiple surgeries for other shit too.

I feel like I can’t be saved at this point, it’s like my life is over before it even started. This is me after two years of therapy and medication.

I’m just not getting anywhere so I want to go nowhere by dying.