An autobiography:



I can’t begin to explain how important it is to be vulnerable. To put your heart out there and take risks. I have always been this way, but never really knew how much of it is really in me. I feel so happy in this moment. I feel like I have waited so long to feel this way to feel everything I feel all at once and how much of it rushes through my body. I get these instances where I watch a movie and I get so inspired by what the actors feel and their situation and think: I have felt that I have experienced that. I couldn’t of gotten to where I am now without the breakup  I endured this winter break. I never saw it coming, but in a way I felt like it was such a shocker. Maybe because I had broken up with him in the past but even then I never meant it and I didn’t mean it now but I am so glad it happened. I am so glad we broke up and he said no to me I am deliriously happy. And you know why? Because in those moments, I did not want to break up I did not want to let go of what he had and I’m glad that I didn’t because it showed me something I didn’t know about myself. I have learned so much about who I am and what I mean to people and how much everyone cares about me. I know now what putting your heart out there means to people. How that itself can inspire people and how that can encourage people. I know how to handle the most difficult situations thrown at me. I feel prepared for so much. Breaking up with him was this catalyzer for my life. The exact one I needed. I know now that I deal with borderline personality disorder and how much I really need to change but I feel so great right now in this moment. And I’m doing it alone. ALONE. Let me tell you in my short life thus far I never imagined feeling this way, alone at least. All my life I always asked myself: when is it gonna be my time to love myself? When is it gonna be my time to finally be happy? That moment is now. These thoughts and all these emotions rising are now. I am living it and all these rushed feelings motivate me to do so much in my life. I wanna write, I wanna play music, I wanna paint, I wanna create films. I finally have reach my eureka. I have reached my catharsis. I never thought that it would be this moment. I am so young still but I feel like I am at least 45 in my head. I wanted to make note of this right now because I didn’t know how else to handle this sudden rush of emotions that I have felt since last night when I drove back to campus. All throughout the car ride, everything in my life was playing and playing in my head. For a second I thought, maybe I do miss him. Maybe it is nice to share these moments with someone. And I realize now that there is nobody who will appreciate moments like these more than yourself. Nobody will appreciate moments like these when you put that same energy to your work (whatever it is that you might do). Nobody can fuel this spark but yourself and the love and appreciation you have for the life you have lived, the people you have met, the love you have given and received, the pain you have dealt. Of course you always need support and a healthy one former, but ultimately it is you and how ready you are to give that your own life. For a long time, this did not make sense to me. Giving yourself all this energy? Its just you. I wake up to myself, I sleep with myself, I eat with myself, I talk with myself. Now this makes so much sense to me and i feel crazy and weird but I am in a moment in my life where I understand this and I just feel so happy that i wanna cry. So long so long and so many thoughts and wonders and worries asking myself: what is this self-love people say is so fucking important? ITS JUST YOU. I understand it and I am happy and feel like I can do fucking anything. I feel so empowered. I just can’t stop thinking about this. 
