Just really struggling. I feel like the world around me is just hellbent on getting rid of me. Two failed relationships with people I loved, estranged relationship with my son, I can't catch a break in my personal life, my professional life is draining me, and everywhere I turn I'm alone. It seems every step I take is painful (often literally due to physical ailments), and I feel like I have to fight for even a small scrap of relief.

As a result, I've felt very disillusioned and embittered towards life. I only see a system that favors strong genetics, and punishes weakness. I know that's just how nature is. But I just feel beaten down by the paths my life has taken me, whether by nature or nurture.

Because of the hardship, I've become physically and mentally stronger. However, all I really want is to love and be loved. And I struggle so much with self love. And it doesn't help that I'm socially unlikable as a person, struggle to have my own personality.

To "live a life of quiet desperation" very much sums up how I feel moment to moment. It becomes excruciating and near unbearable.

Sorry for venting. Cross posted this in another community since it's related there as well.