It's okay if no one ends up seeing this. I just need to fucking get this out there so I'm not just stewing in my own head, feeling like I'm collapsing inward.

I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep. My heart palpitations are out of control periodically. My kitchen is a disaster and I can't tackle it. I haven't done laundry in who know how long because I have to physically go outside my apartment to do it and I don't want to run into my psychotic neighbors who just make me more depressed

Everytime I talk to my boyfriend, my mom, my psychologist. I feel like I say these things to them and it's like it went in one ear and out the other. Like no one has an answer for me, and they're just helpless. But it's probably because I'm always pretending, always acting, and can talk like I'm doing okay. And when I say the words "I'm really struggling right now" my affect doesn't match my words and it's like it just goes unnoticed.

I should have all this support, but I can't utilize it. I don't want to burden them. And when it gets so bad I have no choice but to burden them, I feel guilty. And like I'll be rejected. Because it's too intense, no one wants to hear this stuff, no one wants it

I lost my part time job because of COVID. I worked so fucking hard to get that job, and it was so difficult putting myself out there, and then it all just gets taken away and I haven't really been able to recover or try again since.

I'm so scared I'm going to accidentally starve myself to death or die from exhaustion. It feels like I'm punishing myself, it's like something inside me is punishing me. 

It's like I'm 10 again and I had panic attacks for a year straight. I couldn't eat because I was terrified food was poisoned and I couldn't panic and eat at the same time; my weight was stagnant and I was so low on the percentile for my age group that I was on track to be hospitalized. Luckily I was put on medication at that age and I was able start gaining weight again

I feel like I'm gonna die. I feel like I can't get out of this and it's killing me. I feel like I'm in mourning for the life I wanted to have and all the things I'm good at that I haven't been able to fully realize. 

There's so much fucking more...I could rant for probably days. 
Thanks for coming to my pity party. Sorry it's no fun