Yesterday I finally admitted to my bf that I’ve relapsed on alcohol and drugs many times. I was terrified he’d hate me and leave, but he was very understanding. A few months ago, he had surgery and I was taking care of him. He was prescribed my drug of choice, but he hated it and was just gonna give it to his aunt. So my dumbass stole 2 pills from him, this is a terrible impulse I have had for a long time. If I see an Rx I was in easy reach, I’m gonna steal it. Yesterday after I admitted it, he said “I’m not gonna get mad at your answer, and I’ll believe what you say, but did you steal 2 pills from me?”. I froze up, went silent, the shame was all encompassing, and then I said yes and I couldn’t stop apologizing over and over. He hugged me and told me he accepted my apology and appreciated my honesty. But something about that response was so foreign to me. When I had done the same in the past to my mom’s bf, he would scream at me for having no empathy and being a terrible person. This response was so strange to me. On one hand, I’m idolizing the shit out of him right now for being really supportive and understanding, on the other hand, I worry that I really did hurt him and he’s hiding it from me just to keep me happy. I feel he’s more than justified to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed by me, but he isn’t expressing any of those things and is just trying to take more steps in supporting me. I feel like I don’t deserve this. I did something so cruel yet he’s only focused on how I feel. Also the fact that he never brought it up until now when it happened months ago baffles me. I guess he just wanted to wait to hear it from me? Maybe he was afraid of how I’d react. But now I feel like he is finally trying to understand me when I’ve felt like he didn’t understand me at all. He even wanted me to educate him more on BPD and my experience with it. Even though this conversation couldn’t have gone any better, I still feel like something is off and that I deserve the worst.