my dad died of liver failure 2 months ago (aged 61), I held him as he died and I don't think I'm dealing with this all very well.
i don't want to cry because i don't want to feel sorry for myself, i'm mourning the potential he had and the isolation that comes with death I feel so scared for him.
i've always been preoccupied with my health but now it sets off a panic in my chest and I can't tell which symptoms are genuine and which are psychosomatic. 
i'm seeking bereavement counselling but i honestly dont think anything could mask the crunching harsh reality that my body will deteriorate and death will be a sweet release from the pain that snowballs as the years pass