Hello, my name is treehouseplant and I have BPD. 

I was in denial of my diagnosis for 5 years despite being diagnosed more than once. I have recently come to terms with it and am now on the path to receiving treatment. 

They say I’m “high functioning” but most days it feels like I can’t function at all. I didn’t identify with a lot of the stereotypical symptoms but when I found this subreddit, I realised that everybody’s symptoms are so different. 

I am fiercely loyal. I would do anything for my friends. I am extremely empathetic, caring and loving. I also don’t have any boundaries, so I burn out very quickly. You’d like me to pick you up from work at 10pm an hour away? No problem. Listen to your trauma history when I’m struggling with mine? Sure! 

I lost one of my closest friends due to BPD. In fact, it wasn’t until I lost her that I knew I had a problem. She accused me of being a shitty friend and not being there for her. Abandonment and anger set in and I destroyed our friendship in a matter of minutes. She cut contact with me.. I still think about her everyday. 

I have a truly amazing partner. He is wonderful in so many ways and yet I pull away from him frequently because I feel like a burden. 

Anxiety sits in my stomach like a cat in a cardboard box. For the past two days all I have felt is panic - all day. I have drugs for relief but I also have a fear of becoming dependent on them. So is there really any relief? 

I am also a mother, just to make things a little more complicated. Because I struggle so much within myself, I have to use all the energy I possibly can to be the best I can be for my son. I often think he would be better off without me, but that makes me even more sad. 

I do think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it’s there somewhere.. I just worry that I won’t find it fast enough. 

Thank you for reading.