TW suicide/self harm. Looking back on my life I've been an awful person. I've been a creep to the women in my life all of them, I've betrayed my male friends and I don't really have my regret for it. I know I would do it again and I probably will, yet I know it's disgusting and I feel like a creep once it's over. It almost feels like I've done all this to make as many people hate me as possible so that if I do kill myself then the minimum amount of people will be affected. My friends at the moment are getting more and more distant from me which I'm not sure is good, as if they are further away from me they will hurt less but if they are closer I might not do it at all. I want to cry and let it out so badly but my body doesn't let me, I can feel myself about to cry but I never do. I hurt myself by tearing chunks of skin off my helms so it hurts to walk and I can constantly be in pain. I have no one close enough to talk to about this so here I am posting on reddit to strangers. Hell I don't even know if I'm doing this for attention or not, my brain is telling me I am and that it's pathetic to use such a huge thing for attention but I've never told anyone I'm thinking about taking my life even though I've been thinking this for months at this point. I know I deserve alot of pain and agony for the way I've treated people in the past and quite frankly I should have been beaten up alot more times than I have. Just this is probably the most honest post I've made on this site and I'm starting to believe I'm ready to die which makes me think I need to go to a doctor about this.