Hi, 29 F here. I have noticed that when I have strong emotional crises (problems at work, a fight with my husband, etc.) I enter a strange mental state in which I begin to visualize myself dying in some violent way, for example being run over by a trailer , falling from some tall building ... and honestly I feel a sense of pleasure, like satisfaction, similar to what you feel when you dislike someone too much and then you find out that something bad happened in their life and you feel satisfaction for their pain. I also get that pleasure when I insult myself mentally or literally. Does all that mean I hate myself? From your point of view, what kind of traumas or experiences can lead a person to feel this way? I don't have money for therapy, that's why I'm posting on this sub. Thanks for reading me and sharing your opinions :)