I’ve just been completely unable to function or even think properly for the past week. It’s like my brain has just shut off and I’m unable to think. So I apologize if I’m not making much sense in this post.

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I think the triggering factor is something that happened last tuesday during a therapy session, but it’s hard to tell. I’ve been seeing the same therapist for 4 years and she’s been amazing the whole time, but for the past few sessions something has felt off, and it came to a head last session when she made some uncharacteristically mean and unnecessary comments towards me. When I asked her if I did something wrong to upset her, she insisted that nothing was wrong and that the comments werent mean and that anything I registered as mean was just all in my head. I can’t handle confrontation well and kind of just... started crying. My therapist told me the session was out of time even though we had 15 minutes left and asked me to “please process this quicker”. So the session ended and I spent the next few hours just crying uncontrollably. Every time I started calming down I would just get worked up again.

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It’s just so uncharacteristic of her. She’s always so nice and patient, but that day it felt like she had plucked the words straight from my internal critic. It feels like trust has been broken because I’ve shared my insecurities with her so she should know not to say those things to me (or anyone, really). Realistically, she might be going through something (or trying a new medication), so I’m going to email her and tell her how her words made me feel. I know if I did something like that, i would like for people to tell me that I’m acting out of character in case something is actually wrong.

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But emotionally, I feel like a goddam wreck. Ive slept the whole week and I feel like my brain can’t think anymore. Some friends of mine have told me my words don’t make much sense (I’m glad they’re concerned enough to let me know). I can’t bring myself to even think long enough to make decisions. I feel detached from reality, like I’m viewing reality through a pair of vr goggles instead of being a part of it. I feel like I’ve just... lost it. I don’t know if I can come back from this, but I guess I have to since there’s no other way but forward. I’m trying to remind myself of my DBT skills, specifically the idea that no feeling can ever last forever. This feels eternal but realistically it won’t last forever. I kind of just want curl up in a ball and never leave though.