My friend Nilla and I are close, and we often see each other as family. I realized she had BPD not long after she became friends by some of the obvious signs such as mood swings, sudden anger, and even the random crying. Being someone with autism (especially growing up during a time where these conditions were not looked at kindly), I know it can be frustrating to have behaviors you can’t help that make you feel so alien. Living in a world that wasn’t designed with you in mind just makes it all feel so bleak, and you cling to anyone who can at least grasp the things you experience because it makes you feel less crazy. 

The other day Nilla messaged me asking me to defend her from people who were cyber bullying her (is that the right term?). They were posting about her small business online and causing her a massive amount of pain, to the point that she was in tears. Many called her a scammer for not receiving refunds, but Nilla was homeless for months and couldn’t afford a refund. Every penny went to food, a hotel stay (which seriously added up) and keeping her kids safe. These same people bullying her had been abusing her position (threatening to call CPS or the IRS) to receive bigger discounts to the point that she worked at a loss. 

To hear they are telling their friends not to go is a relief, because that means all of these terrible clients are going to get the message and bother someone else. It also makes way for better paying clients who are going to work with her schedule. With that said I understand that rejection of any kind is multiplied several times over when BPD is involved, and I can confirm rejection hurts enough as is without it! However when she asked me to clear her name for her and her business, I rejected the request saying that I can’t change the minds of people who already hold a negative opinion of her. I also felt like it would only make her look worse while putting myself in a losing situation. I can’t accept it because all of this was the last thing she needed after being homeless and working to the bone for months without a single day off. Even if they did report her, I had more than enough evidence that any claims against her would be proven wrong. 

She was upset, and I know what I did hurt a lot. But it hurt even more to know that so many people were leaving her in tears every night that I couldn’t keep enabling it. And I’ll admit, I’m not strong enough to take on such a task. I don’t know if I can emotionally handle what could happen next, especially when my own home life is extremely unstable as well.

Even through the worst of it, I still care a lot about Nilla. I want to keep being her friend because talking to her is fun and I feel like we have a strong connection despite our friendship being only several months old. But sometimes I feel like I’m given requests I can’t possibly fulfill no matter how much I want to help. I also don’t want to set her up for failure and be dishonest. I treasure her trust, so breaking it would be devastating for the both of us. 

How can I explain to Nilla that I need boundaries respected for the both of us to have a long lasting friendship, all without leaving her in tears?  Is it because I’m not saying the right things?