I'm M21, struggling with mental health for my whole life, I just want to say everything thats going on with me, first time putting it out anywhere or to anyone so if you don't like whiny text walls don't read or skip to the last paragraph, it's literally going to be my whole life story.
Currently on 3 hours of sleep in the last 3 days so I'm tired enough to not think myself out of writing and if you are reading this then posting as well, hi in that case.
Idk trigger warning for physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, bullying (wish the word for that sounded a bit less like harmless fun).
Backstory before shit started to get fun, my parents divorced when I was 4 and they had to make sure that I knew the other parent didn't care about me but all that did was make me feel/know that neither did, this extended to knowing no one cared for me as I couldn't make any friends despite my best efforts.
At 8 I moved from my home country to the UK with my mom and as she found a new man and wanted to get me and herself away from my dad, backstory over.
Having to learn a new language to communicate with people while already struggling socially didn't help and I would get teased and name called a lot but it wasn't that bad at the start. My step dad (the one my mum moved for) was abusive, I'll just give examples, beatings would be regular, at least 2 a day sometimes just for a kick for him but any small thing like accidently slurping food would be cause enough for a beating, I was only allowed to shower once a week so I stank hence bullying actually started out proper, he barged in to beat me in the shower if he felt like I was taking too long, he would call me worthless, whenever I tried to pursue or do something I was passionate about he would make fun of it and me, this is all the shit my mum was around to see and did nothing about it for years, a lot also happened that she didn't see but I don't want to talk about it so let's just leave it at he used me for shit you don't even talk to children about. At school I would always be tired and sad, head preoccupied on how to stop what was happening from happening, ie shit like when I knew I was going to be hit in the head I would turn my head sideways to prevent damage to my frontal lobe, planning out a way to kill him, I was close once but backed out for better or worse. So back to school, my head wasn't focused on school so despite finding the subjects easy I never excelled and never did homework, teachers didn't like me just about as much as my peers, the bullying is kinda meaningless honestly the thing that hurt and still effects me is that no one wanted to be around me. 
So that whole situation went on for 6 years, at 14 my mother divorced again and stepdad moved out and I switched schools, but before I switched one of my teachers at the previous school said this to me, "I don't know how that place wants you there"
Anyhow, I was driven to turn things around, before this change everyday I would repeat to myself "someday things will change, it'll be better", I started to talk to people and even formed a friendship group within the first week of the new school, and the school had a set of tests to determine expected results and I had about an 80-90% estimated odds at A-A* so I thought I made it. But, things went downhill quickly, I saw everyone in the friendship group getting closer and becoming better friends, I had no idea how to do that, so I just talked to everyone a little bit so no one would notice that I'm off in some way I guess. And I also quickly realised that despite stepdad not being around anymore, I continued his work on myself, I couldn't and still can't follow my passions in art and music without breaking down in tears by feeling like I'm no good and worthless, I couldn't study so my grades started to slip, I was still alone despite talking to so many people. In a way the way it turned out, I felt worse than when I was being abused, at least then I had a false hope of things getting better to get me through, now I have nothing. At some point I found out that a girl liked me, I didn't really feel anything for her but I wanted to at least try so we started dating and it was the first time I felt like someone cared about me, in my 15 years of existence this was the first time I felt like, if I died someone would care. But as my mental health kept declining so did the relationship and it ended, glad that it did because honestly I'm nothing special and when you add that I can have extended periods of time where I can't talk, struggle with sleep, cry unyieldingly and have panic attacks, I just don't think I should be in a relationship, letting someone care for you and see you in that state seems really selfish to me. 
I ended my GCSE's, SATs in America? a couple Garde's lower than I wanted but I didn't care at that point I was just trying to figure out how not to let anyone see just how bad I was doing. I started A-levels, (junior senior) my attendance dropped to 30 so I was kicked out of the year and spend a year at home, barely doing anything, it was hard to get out of bed most days. Next year went back to a different school and despite 60% attendance I wasn't getting in trouble, first time I ran into teachers that respected me, didn't socialise at all at this school, I just couldn't. Finished that went onto university, not a the one I wanted and far from the one I aspired to but meh, passed first year failed second year. Which brings us to present day.


I feel stuck, I've tried to get better so many times and I really did try, very hard. I don't think there's a way I get better, it feels like I'm already gone, I haven't enjoyed anything in forever, I'm lonely, I'm stagnant in education and hobbies. I have no skills nor talents, i haven't worked a day in my life. I hate myself and where I'm at. I've attempted suicide twice but I can't even get that right. I stopped believing in 'it gets better' for a lot of people it doesn't they just keep going at that low state of energy where they just live and don't achieve anything they want to and then kill themselves or die through whatever they were doing to cope, be it drugs alcohol or too much food. That's what I feel and see my life being like, I'm only here so the people who are around me don't have to cope with my death, the only reason I'm here is because I stopped caring about myself and only care for others, it feels like if I ever put myself first I'd rather kill myself than try to get better again, I tried already, many times, it never worked. If anyone read to this part, I really don't know why, but hope this helps in some way? Idk maybe feel comfort that someone else feels similar or whatever other reason, there's so much more I didn't say but this is already way too long

Hope you are doing well or are getting better ♥️