Hi everyone, I guess I’m venting a bit and looking for some help understanding my past diagnosis/ get some insight? 

Context: I had experienced past childhood trauma that I would not consider “severe” compared to others around me and stories I’ve heard but for other more privileged people I definitely had gone through some trauma growing up. I had periods of self harm when I was a teenager nothing crazy. A couple of suicide attempts because of trauma. 

I had gone to therapy in the past and had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. 

Attending university, I felt the happiest I’ve felt in my life. I love learning and school (weird but I like the structure/routine). I also met some really good life friends. Anyways having a jolly old time and my mom gets cancer (stage 2/3). I take over the house and family duties at this point all while working 2 jobs, going to school, and dealing with my unhealthy relationship. I developed epilepsy and had my first seizure in university. 

I started to see a therapist. She was amazing and I saw her for only 6 months. I was not the nicest to her and I really regret that. She diagnosed me with Transient anxiety disorder, depression, brought on by ptsd. 

To cope I developed a drug problem mainly self medicating my anxiety. I felt myself going down my long term friendships began to shatter (like many going into late teens/ early adulthood). I start to really grasp how much the trauma has affected my family. It took a toll. I felt like a shell of myself. 
 
During this drug binge, my friends partner took advantage of me. That is when I completely lost it. Engaged in reckless/ impulsive behavior, complete disregard for others and myself, promiscuity (Thinking if no one cared about my body why should I ), more substance usage, shattering long term relationships and familial. 

I told my therapist about it and she unfortunately couldn’t work with me on it for too long as she was leaving in 2 months. I was switched to another therapist which I DID not like (condescending, judgmental, never smiled, etc). I never told any therapist about my substance use issue. 

Well the new therapist diagnosed me with BPD. She saw me for less than 6 months and during the worst times of my life where I wasn’t even myself. To her defense, I did have many of the symptoms. But c’mon my mom was dying, had just gotten seizures for the first time, I had just been violated, and I was still working full time and a student full time. 

I had never been diagnosed with BPD and felt kind of offended that she so quick to diagnose me without actually seeing the true cause of my pain and mental health issues. I had since seen another therapist a few years later and I had been diagnosed again with anxiety. It felt almost “lazy.” 

It’s 4 years later, I am not even a fraction of the person she saw. But now I’m really questioning if she was right this whole time. I can see some symptoms kind of fitting but not quite.

I am a highly functional anxious person, I cherish the friends/family I have (I have a healthy relationship with all of them, the ones that aren’t around were pretty toxic), I graduated, have a great job, got my own place, my relationship with my significant other has become healthy with great communication. 

I fear abandonment because of my moms illness and age, a fear of not having family anymore (which I think is valid), all of my friendships are 5- 20years old, my partner and I have been together for 10 years, and I always stay at a job for a long period of time unless I want to build more experience  or higher pay ( which is what everyone does when they’re young). 

I’m not sure if it’s even worth asking a therapist/psychiatrist to “properly” diagnose me. Maybe she saw the rawest version of me, maybe something other people missed?