i had just started learning how to really cope with my symptoms after i fucked up two of my closest friendships. i learned from my mistakes, learned how to actually be a good friend, and now i feel like that’s all thrown out the window because of a stupid decision i made. or rather, a series of stupid decisions i made. 

but basically, i got intimately involved with one of my closer friends. not a romantic relationship, something more akin to fwbs. but i was so happy then, and i know it wasn’t what was really there, but i actually felt loved for once. but halfway through i realized my feelings were way to much for the situation, and i got way too attached to him. and with those feelings came all my symptoms.

i forgot how clingy i got when i was with the object of my affections, how easily depressed i became when i had to leave, or he needed space. and now that he’s broken it off, ive just, gone off the deep end, so to speak. i can’t help feeling self-destructive bc i wasn’t good enough, or feeling jealous to the point of wanting to vomit when i hear anyone else talk about him, or how angry and hateful i am when he talks about what happened and he sound like he MIGHT have regretted it. i hate this. i hate how this always happens when i get even the slightest bit close to someone. i hate that i can’t just behave rationally. i want to be able to be happy and have some sort of interpersonal stability, but time and time again i see that i just. can’t. and it’s awful.

i don’t know what exactly i’m seeking here, but i just needed somewhere to throw my thoughts, i suppose.