Last Night, My Father Caught Me On Call With My Friend. (Not Allowed To Call Friends After 10 PM And It Was Past Midnight). I Lied And Said I'm Record Voice Diary. He Didn't Really Believe And Said Now He Knows Why I've Been Waking Up Late Every Day. (But That's Because I'm Suffering From Major Depression Following Abuse By My Roommates, SA By My Neighbour, Job Loss Due To Panic Disorder Diagnosis, And Breakup With Boyfriend In Past 4 Months.) I Stay Awake At Night Because It Is The Only Time My Original Abusers, My Parents, (CPTSD Patient Due To Childhood Trauma), Are Asleep. Night Is The Only Time I Feel Peace And Quiet And Sometimes I Call My Friend. Anyways, This Isn't The First Time My Father Has Spied On Me. He Does It So Often That Even When I Went To College, I Always Used To Be On Edge That Somehow He's Watching. And When It'd Happen While I'm home, It'd Give Me Hallucinations For Days. And Now It's Gonna Happen Again. All Night I'll Just Stay On Edge, Constantly Checking The Door, Wondering He's Watching, Sometimes Almost Seeing His Shadow, Going To Check And Finding Nothing. My Quiet And Peaceful Night Time Is Ruined, And What's Worse Is That Not Just I Can't Call My Friend Again, I Can't Even Text, I'd Be Too Scared To Touch My Phone, And My Phone Is The Only Thing That Helps Me Sleep, Otherwise The Intrusive Thoughts Just Eat Up My Brain Through The Night. Now I Just Don't Know What To Do...

My Parents Have No Idea About My Past Traumatic Months, My Depression, Or My OCD, CPTSD, And Panic Disorder Diagnosis. They're Close-Minded When It Comes To Mental Health And Will Only Blame Me For Everything And Make My Situation Worse If I Tell Them. Yet, Yet... I Just Can't Take It Anymore. It Was Already Too Much Dealing With The Depression And Grief On My Own, I Cannot Deal With The Constant Spying And Hallucinations At Night, Too. I Just Can't. I'm Really Strong And I've Fought Every SH And SU Thought I've Had In The Past Months But I'm Afraid I'll Give Up Any Moment Now If It Goes On.

The Worst Thing Is That Even Though I Have A WFH Job, I Can't Leave home. I Really Want To Go Back To My College City Or Anywhere Else. I Can't Leave Because I Have Student Loan And My Parents Think It's A Waste Of My Salary If I Rent A Place Elsewhere Instead Of Using The Money To Pay The Loan. I Feel So Stuck. I Can Hardly Afford Therapy. But I Have To Keep Doing It Because I Need At Least That.

I Just... Should I Confront Them? I Really Want To Confront Them, I Really Just Want Them To Leave Me Alone Whether Or Not They Understand What's Happening With Me... The Thing Is If They Retaliate, I'm Gonna Be Having A Really Tough Time Having To Run Away From home And If They Don't Retaliate And Do Listen To Me, I'd Still Feel So Guilty... Because They're My Parents And They Love Me In Their Own Fucked Up Way, So They'll Be In Pain Knowing They're Causing Me Pain... I'm Not Telling Them Anything Is Also Because I Am Protecting Them From This Pain. But Now, It's Just Too Much... What Should I Do... I Really Cannot Continue Living Like This... I'm Having Difficulty Even Eating And Drinking Water Enough Every Day, I Cannot, Cannot Deal With This Repeated Fear Of Them Spying... I Know Death Isn't The Answer But Sometimes It Seems The Only Easy Option. I Wish I Had It In Me To See It Through But I'm Just Too Optimistic For It... I Need To Figure It Out And In Life... And It Begins With... Should I Or Should I Not Confront My Parents?