(a bit of a long post sorry) I've always had extreme feelings about being abandoned by my friends. Mind you we were a very close group of 4. Back in highschool I would freak out about them leaving me once we graduated, and although they didn't leave, we rarely talk. Thing is, I know they don't really have other friends either. They usually stay home and talk with their families, but I can't do that. When I speak with acquaintances and they always say how close they are with their friend group and all the fun things they do, it reminds me how much my friends have given up on speaking with each other. I'm always the one to start conversations and suggest we go somewhere, and the odd chance that does happen and we go through with our plans, I just know that we won't see or speak with each other for another month or two. Now with the quarantine I haven't seen them at all since february, and we rarely talk in our groupchat. They only reached out after a mini argument and I decided to leave (a bit of a bratty move, I know) and they asked "you alright?" and I just answered yes and they left it at that.

Thing is, I miss my friends. I miss not seeing them very much. I feel like I've lost them. They rarely talk about their personal lives anymore, I only get tiny updates every once in a while if something fun happened. There's no conversation anymore, whenever I call they say they're busy. I try to be sympathetic to them and that they have shit going on as well but I miss them so much. I only realized how long it's been because a friend of mine from a different part of my life hangs out with his close friend group a lot. How they always call each other and go out for drinks. It hit me so hard last night that I have lost that experience with my friends. 

I feel like it hurts more than if they would just stop talking to me completely after graduation. But because I see them leaving so slowly, it's like seeing a hurricane come towards you from a distance and you just stand there, helplessly not knowing what to do. I know I'm making this a lot about me lol and that's sort of selfish of me to say. My friends obviously have their own lives too, and people come and go in our lives. But I got so attached to them. I've been so close with them for 8 years, the longest I have known anyone other than my parents. They were the best people in my life, the only people I have loved outside of family. It honestly feels worse than a breakup. I don't know what to do anymore.