Says the mother who promised to support me when I talked to her about my suicidal thoughts. Mom, do you even understand me anymore? She said she will be proud of me no matter what, and looks like I've disappointed her. When I told her that studying is too overwhelming and I'd like to take a rest for a few days, she just looked at me and said "never say such a thing again, stop disappointing me and start studying, you'll be fine" 




My eating disorder is acting up again and she forces me to eat with guilt. I feel like throwing up everytime food touches my lips. I'm disgusted at what I've become, so helpless that my own body wants me starved. 




How can she notice my pale expression when I failed an exam but not when I'm 10 minutes away from ending it all. I need someone to tell me it's okay to give up. I need someone to understand me. And when I thought she could be the only one, I felt betrayed.