I am struggling with myself and who i am. For the longest time I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. Well I'm now 32 and feel more lost then ever. I've struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. When I was a teenager I started harming myself, I was teased and made fun of to the point I wanted to quit school. My mother did her best to help me and get me some therapy but it didn't help much. I ended up talking her into letting me quit school and join a military school where I could graduate a year earlier than my class. I was so thankful for that place it really helped me. After I graduated and entered the adult world and got a job I tried my best but my anxiety came back and my depression and had so much self doubt with my abilities to do anything and every time I got a job I would end up quitting because of the stress. I finally found a job that I thought helped boost my confidence and give me a sense of power back. I became a stripper, even though this job had its benefits it also had its negatives. Yes I ended up having confidence in myself but I lost faith in men and people in general, not that I had alot to begin with. For 5 years I worked as a dancer and met all kinds of different people some good and some bad. I loved having my Independence and being able to support myself but I felt lonely and wanted a relationship. I feel like I've always been unlucky when it comes to love when I was young younger my first boyfriend cheated on me and that hurt my confidence a great deal then in my early twenties I started dating a guy that met me when I was a dancer but once we were dating he didn't approve of anything I wanted to do, my clothing, my friends, my entertainment. Unfortunately this became a cycle for me and I ended up being in three abusive relationships. At some point I lost my confidence and felt like the only way I could be loved was to put up with the ridiculous demands or accusations that my partners would make. When I finally quit dancing I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship with a guy that I had a miscarriage with and he told me it wasn't no big deal. I tried working a regular job but was unable to keep them for very long because of my anxiety. I kept looking for love and thought that now that I wasn't dancing maybe my boyfriend wouldn't be as jealous or possessive as before. I was very wrong. I gave up on relationships and trying to focus on being independently happy again but had some unfortunate things happen that let me down a very dark road. I had just moved into a new apartment and bought a new car and thought things we're going great. I was working at a pizza place under the table and one night my boss tried to get me to give him head in the office. I nervously tried to laugh at all and get out of there but he stood in front of the doorway it made me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. He continued to pressure me to do something with him and told me how he had been lusting after me for a while, luckily one of the other employees showed up and I got out of that situation but the next day I was informed that I was fired. I felt like there was nothing I could do about it since it was under the table and now that I have lost my only job I started to panic. At this point I felt like giving up on life I couldn't hold down a job my love life was terrible I had no friends and didn't know where to go with myself. I started using H I just didn't want to live anymore and figured it would be here easy way out... I ended up losing my apartment crashing my car and overdosing. I also ended up in a another abusive relationship where the guy had me as a prisoner. I was so strung out lost and hopeless that I just accepted it. After months of dealing with that I finally got out and clean. It was a hard road to take but I did it I got clean from my mom for myself and now I'm living with a loving man that treats me good doesn't control me at all. Clean from all drugs getting my life back on track.... It's been 3 years since I've been in my safe home and since I've gotten clean so why am I so sad still. Why do I feel like my anxiety is worse than it ever has been? Why do I feel so depressed with myself and so worthless... My mom and my husband remind me all the time that I am worthy and that I'm loved and I have purpose.. but no matter how much they remind me everyday I feel like crying and giving up because I feel like I'm not good enough and I never will be I don't know what my purpose is I don't know what I'm interested in I don't know who I am. Now that I had three years of being safe and loved and cared for I would think that I would have all this reassurance in my mind. I think that it has only opened my eyes to how completely worthless I truly am. I don't know what to do with myself.