I first thought I was bipolar years ago when I was 13. I went to the doctor when my depression got worse, and they diagnosed me with depression and anxiety. Years passed, I tried most of the common antidepressants and they didn't work or gave me side effects. I convinced myself that they were right and I wasn't bipolar because everyone else in my family was unipolar depressed and I must have wanted to be different.

A few years later, I was seeing a nurse practitioner as a psychiatrist, and I eventually asked her about potentially having bipolar disorder. I had really high energy spells that were beginning to lead me to risky sex, impulsive choices, unusual purchases, etc. Eventually, my nurse practitioner put me on Lamictal and Lexapro despite not wanting to diagnose me with anything. Then I had to leave her care. I kept taking Lamictal and Lexapro for a while, and the addition of the Lamictal actually had me feeling good. I was able to do my work in college, and it was a marked improvement from before. Between that and some suspicious judgment calls I continued to make sometimes when I was feeling good, I began to suspect that I had bipolar again.

Today, I met with a new psychiatrist. I hate that I have to keep flipping around, but there has been a lot of moving in my life, unfortunately. He put me on Vraylar and Cymbalta and said it was likely bipolar depression because I had been on the Lamictal. I finally got a doctor that was willing to say it out loud, but it doesn't feel good. Now I'm worried that this is an outcome I manipulated into occurring. 

What if by asking my nurse practitioner about bipolar, I manipulated her into giving me Lamictal? And then this second doctor just kind of accepted it without question, so now I have what I wanted? I wish there were a way to know definitively. I know what I experience is real on an intellectual level, but it's hard to believe at the same time.

TL;DR: A doctor finally believes I have bipolar, but now I feel like I don't really have it and I tricked them into thinking that.