I’m struggling really hard with knowing when something I want is normal or if it’s me being needy and fearing abandonment or rejection. I’ve been with my significant other (SO) for six years now. Along the way they’ve seen me at every end of the BPD spectrum including self harm and substance abuse. I’m a lot more stable now thanks to therapy and medication. My problem now is realizing that this person did manipulate me at times (by their own admission) and that they have narcissistic tendencies. I have to balance my own mental illness with theirs and try to figure out what’s healthy. 

For example, I really feed off of physical contact. It’s my primary love language. For the past 4 years of our relationship, there’s been no sex. SO says it’s because they don’t feel healthy enough but haven’t lost any weight (in fact only gained weight). Now SO says they’re depressed but that they will work on it. They’ve had a couple phone sessions with a therapist recently. All this time, SO has maintained there’s nothing wrong with lack of sex and that “we will figure it out.” It bothers me and I’ve said this repeatedly. 

SO also doesn’t cuddle at night. I mean we get into bed and we just lay there maybe half a foot apart and they look at their phone until they fall asleep. After a good amount of badgering they’ll pat me or pet my hair when they are done looking at their phone and say goodnight. Sometimes even this doesn’t happen. Ive repeatedly talked about this, I get “I’ll do what I can.”

Nevermind cleaning... I’ve done calm talking, chore charts, verbal reminders, cajoling, begging, crying, and yelling. Nothing works there. They told me they didn’t respect where I was living that’s why they didn’t help. Now we live in a much nicer place and while they do pitch in sometimes, it’s not really great. Like they’ll vacuum once a month and that’s considered “well I DID clean” 

Am I nuts? Are these not normal things to want? How can I know what’s normal? Is there a book or something? I can’t trust myself anymore and I don’t know if I can trust that this is something that I deserve. If I deserved it, wouldn’t they want to help provide it? Ugh. 

Any input is welcome. Whether it’s your own experiences or answers to my really really confused rambling. I just feel lost. Like, is this just how life is? And my expectations are outlandish? Is this as good as it gets?