 After dropping out of uni because of SA and going to a new uni I still experienced SA so decided to write this:

Very quickly, and once again, being exposed to a new, fast paced environment of trying to fit in in student life, I fell short, feeling very isolated and bouts of depressive and hopelessness thinking lead to a constant negative internal monologue daily. At times I spent all day in my room on my bed unable to accomplish anything because my motivation to do any work was 0. Learning how firms maximised profit was far-fetched and light years away from my current reality of starving myself in my room for hours because anymore than three people in my kitchen would trigger an onslaught of anxiety provoking thoughts and self-doubt. You can imagine how difficult it is to do any work when feelings of hunger and being on edge impairs your ability to function. When I mustered the willpower to do any last minute assignments they were incredibly unproductive consisting of erratic negative self-talk and rumination on past events meaning I was unfocused leading to time consuming low quality work. 

Going out drinking with people in my accommodation, not my friends, was a coping mechanism to escape my trapped sense of reality and give me a shot of confidence to be someone who I wanted to be. Any self-doubt or anxiety was numbed by the alcohol like an anaesthetic giving me immunity like protection from myself. The following mornings were an extension of the preceding ones, a sense of hopelessness and despair as insecurity and depression permeated every corner of my mind like cancer cells spreading rapidly. As this occurred during a period of lockdown, where online lectures were ineffective, the mediocre highs and sub-zero lows were the only constant in my student life at University. During these times I wrestled with the idea of dropping out of uni but after speaking to my parents on the phone and realising I dropped out of my previous uni for the same reason I knew it couldn’t happen again and I needed to seek help.

The support I received was helpful because it provided a safe space for me to work through my problems such as the social anxiety but at times I felt my counsellor didn’t fully understand my problems, however Sue my Randstad mentor introduced me to coping mechanisms like journaling and self-affirmations. The support gave me some motivation and belief needed to do productive work in the short term, but in the long term I was still unable to sleep at night. Often going to sleep before midnight, my mind was still doing somersaults and backflips deep into 4am, while my body was tossing and turning to find the cold the side of the pillow to use as an ice pack for the snide comments my flatmates would make behind my back. Then waking up groggy in the morning to attend my lectures, every sentence I read whilst studying, felt like an eternity to finish because nothing was going in. My blurred focus was a stimulant to incorrectly process information, quickly absorbing into every vein in my body. Re-reading sentences and paragraphs became a chore where 30 minutes of simple reading turned into an hour causing frustration and frequent study breaks were needed to give a fresh set of concentration. I talked to my study skills mentor about these problems and she gave me good tips but my brain just didn’t want too cooperate.