Hey, this post is going to be a little long, but i just need to do this. Ive written down my thoughts so many times but ive never actually went through posting it because i was scared of being judged. I dont care anymore, i just want to get my thoughts out of my head whether anyone listens or not. So again im sorry if this is long or disjointed.

I think i first started to feel it in middle school. I had a bit of a weight problem, i stressed over every grade i got in class, and i had begun to become socially isolated from my classmates. Due to the stress of the situation, i actually saw a therapist but i never opened up to them. I kind of regret that now, but it probably wouldnt have helped even if i had. After 2 years of my stress, social isolation, and this feeling of sadness increasing, my parents took me out of public school and placed me in homeschool. It helped with the stress from work, but i felt absolutely alone.  I stopped seeing my therapist a few months after switching to home school because i told my parents i was better, but i lied and just pretended like i was happy which ive continued to do to this day. So after two years of that i decided i wanted to go to a public high school. I thought that i would make friends and be happy again, but as soon as i got there i realized i was out of place. Everyone seemed like they knew each other, and i felt more isolated than i ever did at homeschool. I guess being surrounded by happy people only makes you sadder. 

It was also around this time that my first thoughts of suicide came to me. It became something of a normalized thing to me. I would always be thinking about it in the back of my head, and i sort of used it as a comforting mechanism. I thought that hey, if shit ever got too bad i had an out. I even remember a few times where i almost went through with it, but chickened out at the last second. Because i never went through with it, i always thought that must mean i was not actually suicidal or depressed, just alone and a little sad. 

So fast forward 4 years and i applied and got into college. I thought once again that this would be the time where i would become happy. But upon arriving here its been the same. If anything ive gotten worse. I cant talk to anyone without feeling like im burdening them with my presence. I feel like everyone hates me and doesn’t want me to be here. Im too scared to reach out to anyone because i feel like no one wants to help me. I dont join clubs because i feel like they wouldnt want someone like me in their club. I just feel completely alone when i thought college was supposed to be the time of my life. My suicidal thoughts came back and they stick with me everyday. I know somethings wrong with me but i dont know what. I hate myself so much that i cant even look at myself without feeling horrible. I havent talked to anyone in days, and i feel so empty that i dont even want to leave my bed anymore. I just want to go away so i dont have to see people and so they dont have to see me.

Ive never told anyone about what im going through. Not my parents, teachers, classmates, or what little friends i have. They all think im this great student with a great work ethic whose going to be a doctor and have a nice happy family. But im suffering every minute of every day. i dont want them to know. I dont want anyone to know. Im even starting to contemplate deleting this whole thing and going on with my life as usual but i cant anymore. I need someone to know, even if its someone i dont even know.

Im sorry that this was long, but i wanted to try to convey how ive been feeling for all these years. I dont even know if i managed to do that. There is so much i want to say that i cant possibly type it all down. I hope that one day i can tell someone close to me whats been going on and they can maybe even get me help, but im terrified of actually trying. I doubt anyone actually wants to listen to me anyway. 

You dont need to post anything in response to this, you just reading through this is enough for me. I just want someone to know what ive been going through even if its a stranger. Thank you for taking some of your time to read through this. I hope that you can take something from this.