I'm seeking support because I think I am spiraling out of control and have no solid support system.

My relationship has been rocky for years and I recently admitted to my partner that I sexted with strangers online a few times about 2-3 years back.

They are, understandable upset and I am aware enough to know and acknowledge that they are right to do so.

But beyond that, our relationship has had issues. I constantly struggle with feelings empty, alone, and unappreciated. I carry the weight of our responsibilities, financially, emotionally... I do everything. I clean our home, I pay our bills, I try to be there for my partner with their own struggles.

And regardless of how much I beg for them to help me, how much I express that I need xyz, it's like they don't care. I don't know if this is my BPD or not interpreting their actions as such, but it feels so... bad. And since this has been going on, the loneliness, the hurt, the everything is getting worse and I have found myself constantly trying to off myself. I have no plan and I'm trying really hard to self soothe, but it's.. so hard. I just can't handle it. I'm consumed with this overwhelming feeling of loneliness even when I'm with them, I hurt all the time because I feel emotionally neglected. I think about how they slapped me a few months back in an argument, I think about how they've called me crazy, I think about how they belittled my eating disorder and how much that just hurts. I don't want to leave I can't leave, I want to be happy with them more than anything in this world and the only other option that seems feasible is to kill myself otherwise. I'm just so, so sad.