i had a hard time growing up and becoming the woman i am today, im gonna tell you guys a little bit of my story and if any one relates im sorry.. i dont know Why i just need to Get it off my chest.. 

I was born on 23. august 2003, my dad was an alcoholic and  was  struggling with things, when i was 2-3 years old, he killed himself, 
his relatives  never reached out to me, never came to any of my birthdays, all i had was my moms relatives. My mom where 21 at that time he killed himself, my mom became a single parent. 2 years later my mom got togheter with my current step dad, and had 2 more kids with him, one in 2007 and one in 2017. 
I started primary school, my first school was okay, i always struggeled to fit in, but i had 2 friends, i moved and changed school.
my second school is where it all started it was not much but it was enough to build something in me. I was very mature for my age, because i was early developed. I was a very quiet kid, i tried to make friends in my class but i slipped out, they did not see me as much, they did not care enough to invite me to birthdays, i mean there were some birthdays i was invited to but i always got left out,i was always in the background. I started to hang out with people that were one year older than me, there i found my bestfriend. it was hard maintaining the friendship, since other people came along,  i hated it, i felt like my bestfriend were fading away, and i started to feel a little bit alone, i descided to move to a new place and to a new school. I was 11-12, and my dear grandma and great grandmother died of cancer in the same month, my grandma and great grandma was like my dad for me, exstra support, and my biggest role, they were the ones to keep the relatives togheter, we were a small family. 
and the sad part is they actually struggeled alot with mental ilness too, i never had the chance to talk to them about it they never got to see the woman i am today..  my mom at that time got depressed and i started to have a hard time at school.  The new school was were it all got worse,  i was picked on, i was left out, people at my school would always talk behind my back, i was forced to move seat since the other girl in my class was going to sit there on the bus, Even though i was sitting there first..
They had spread rumors about me since a picture of me in my underwear got spread, the girls in my class had made a group chat  with out me in it and sent it to the Hole class, on Instagram  making fun if me.. police were called and they showed up at school and had a pep talk that cyber bullying was not okay..  at that time i started to isolate myself, i figured out everyone hated me, i got glances every where i go. I started to cry, i started to say the Words they all said to me to myself, i started to hate myself.. i started cutting, i was telling nobody but it was all clear, i loved jumping on the trampoline, i spent every hour at that trampoline, but one day i stopped. i started to worry about what other people on the streets would think, i was starting to get afraid of people, their opinions, their looks, i was so ashamed of myself that i stopped doing things i loved.  I was walking to the store all the time, but now all of the sudden i started to worry about what other people wil think about what i buy, i could not buy junk food because then the cashier would think im fat, i started counting money thousands of time before i payed, i was so afraid of it not being enough.  If i saw people at my age or older around the corner i always went te longer way to avoid them, i was terrified. At that time i was developing social anxiety.. my mom saw it very clear, i needed to have someone with me to go to places, i was forcing my mom or my stepdad to go the other way because people were on the short cut..  i started to Get Worse, and my mom saw it to we were in contact with psychologists, i went there but nothing got better really, they figured out i was depressed at the age of 12, i was trying antidepressives for the first time, but they just made me more suicidal, my mom slept in my bedroom at a tiny inflated mattress in my cold room with out isolation. I refused to take them. We still stayed in contact with psychologists, mostly i was there for talking about it, i had a lot of trouble with psychologists because i build an relationship with them, then they could not treat me or they quited, i was furious, i got the diagnosis social anxiety.
But i was getting Worse 
I started thinking about my body alot, how i looked, how i talked, how i dressed. I discovered something called bullmia and anorexia, all i saw were skinny ladies/boys, methods to starve, puke, counting calories, so i actually started to puke up my food, i was constantly checking my weight, all i ever wanted was to be skinny, i thought bones were the most beautiful thing to see.  I started to cut out food, puke, my momma caught me since she heard vomiting form the bathroom, i was caught alot by cutting since there where blod stains on my sweaters, all i tought about was i need to harm myself, i deserve it, im worthless, im UGLY.I started junior highschool,  changed after a week, did not fit in. I started to skip school, i hated it, i was never really there, it just got Worse and Worse, i changed school again i went on a private junior highschool, i tought since they were religious they would be nicer. I mean there were some kids that were rude but it was okay. I was still skipping school a lot, but i found my bestfriends there. I was the badass, i was not rude but i did a lot of things, i stole from stores, i Discovered drugs, i never got addicted to drugs but i was doing it in periods, i started also doing nicotine. I was having arguments with my mom all the time. I got raped in 9 grade, but the case did not go trough. At that time my emotions where like a roller coaster, i have been admited to mental hospitals at least 4 times, all were because of suicide attempts. i have had 3 long relationships one that cheated on me, one that were physical abusive, and one that were toxic.. it created a lot of trust issues, i was a jealous girl, i was so insecure, and it haunts me nowdays, i cant trust a single soul, i cant belive no one fuckings love me. Cant belive any compliment i Get, im just a broken mess, always chasing love i never got. 
I Also got diagnosed with borderline and adhd.  
My emotions Are a complete mess, scars covering my Hole body.