And today my doctor told me I am not. I actually have BPD. She even said it has been my official diagnosis for years, in writing and all my medical files!!!

I am SO confused. She told me that often we with BPD have bad memory so its possible I forgot my diagnosis? Is that true? I feel like my life is a lie and I am SO upset. I have been working so hard to get my "bipolar" under control and now I find out all that work is for nothing since I actually have BPD. I told my doctor I dont think I have BPD but she walked me through the 9 symptoms and my history to show me why I am dianosed the way I am. This is confusing me as I have very clearly what I consider manic episodes.  Often a month at a time of very high feelings where I seek out sex and at one point even hard drugs. 

I guess the fact that I am almost in a constant state of disassociation is a big thing that stands out to my doctor as BPD. also I have been seeing psychiatrists since I was 13 after having some trauma. I am now 21. 

I worry what this new diagnosis means for me. How will this effect me as a mother to my two babies? I am supposed to get into some ki4md of dialet therapy. I am not sure if thats exactly what it is called but something like it. And also, I see so many people talk negative things about BPD. Do i hide my diagnosis? 

Sorry I am just very all over the place with emotion right now. I cried all the way home from the doctor. Glad there is a community for this here on reddit.