I feel like sometimes I need a mentor but I feel like the only mentor I can have is myself. I was given many chances to listen with all the therapists and doctors I’ve had. I didn’t listen, I walked away from all of them and I just have myself. My boyfriend is amazing and listens and is supportive but I know he can’t take on all of my problems, it’s a lot to listen to. It’s a lot to handle. My friends have their own things, it’s too much for some people and I’ve accepted that but what about when it’s too much for me? Where do I go? I can’t walk away from myself. 
I have no other choice than to hold it in and cope with whatever will work quickly and hope it lasts for awhile. 
I work in mental health, I see exactly how they DONT help people. I can’t be helped, I don’t know what to do. I just shove it more away and turn it into anger and hate because I can’t deal with it. 

And I want nothing more than to prove to my boyfriend I’m not who I used to be, I don’t ever want him to see that person that was at her lowest. So I keep a lot from him but only to protect him, nothing about our relationship but about my mental state. It’s too much. I love him and because I genuinely do I refuse to intentionally overwhelm him or stress him out and by telling him how I’m doing I’d be doing just that. 

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m holding my breath. I feel like at any point I’m ready to pop. I’m breaking down at work, I’m snapping more, I’m giving up on how I look. Maybe my meds aren’t working? I don’t feel manic though, I feel depressed. My thoughts are crowding my head, not my mood swings. I’m sure it looks like mood swings because I’ll cry then I try to hold the rest of it in and stop immediately. I’m a mess, i hope someday I listen and help myself. Because I really deserve it, as much as I hate myself I don’t deserve to take my life away because of what mistakes I did when I was younger. I don’t deserve to die because of what other people did. I hope I stop thinking I’m a horrible person and that everything I say is too much for someone to hear. I hope one day I learn.