I had an appointment specifically for my anxiety today. I've never had one before. While I've attempted to get help in the past, it never worked out because I've felt to embarrassed and anxious to share any of my feelings/concerns with my doctor. Since May 2020 to up until a month ago, I had been seeing a counselor like every 3 weeks (I used up the amount of free appointments provided by my university). To be honest, they kinda just felt like 45 minutes sessions where I would just tell them about my week and try to muster up the courage to actually tell them about something meaningful. I don’t think I learned how to manage my anxiety better. If anything, it made me feel awful that I could never actually say what was on my mind. Overall, I didn’t think it had any lasting effects on me.

I've been home for the summer for a while and now everything just seems like a constant cycle between numbness, restlessness, and spiraling. Turns out, I may have been wrong; having the chance to tell someone anything without feeling like a burden must have alleviated some of my anxiety. Some moments are so bad&gt;! I legitimately feel like bashing my head against the wall so I can just stop my thoughts for one moment . I won’t do it, but my own thoughts scare me and I worry about it.!&lt; I feel awful, especially at night, and I've been trying to cope with my restlessness by throwing myself into youtube, twitch, and social media (which makes me feel worse about myself). Overall, this year has been awful, amplifying every problem I felt I had before, and I wanted help. I've been reading through this subreddit trying to psych myself up, all the while trying to stop myself from wanting to cancel the appointment because of thoughts like this: my anxiety isn’t that bad then, I'm exaggerating, it could be worst, everyone has anxiety.

I went anyways and unsurprisingly, I almost burst into tears again. For so long I think I've wanted some sort of diagnosis to have my feelings feel validated somehow. And yet, I can’t find the words. And while I stoically responded to the questions my doctor asked of me, my head was screaming at me:

&gt;!"Tell him you violently scratch the inside of your thumb when you get nervous! Tell him you continuously pick the scabs on your head until they bleed! Tell him you pluck your hair out and pinch your skin! Tell him how red, blotchy, and breathless you get! Tell him something!" !&lt;

In the end, I got a simple "just checking in to make sure you are you okay" and a few papers on how to pursue further counseling. He said he could prescribe me something but he doesn’t like doing so for my age group as one of the side effects can be &gt;!suicidal thoughts.!&lt; As I already have doubts about my own anxiety and worry about potential fees, I just agreed with him to hold off on anything.

Thank you to anyone who read this. If you have any advice or thoughts based on your own journey with anxiety, please feel free to share them.