First of all this is my first post here so idk if i m doing anything wrong. I ll also try to keep it kinda short. 

I m a 20M and i was with an awesome and very attractive girl for 5+ months. May not seem like much to some people, but we had a lot of things in common and we were pretty much best friends. I ended up cheating on her multiple times. She found out twice i had a dating app installed, (the first time i just uninstalled it, but i re-installed it a few weeks later). She ended up getting quite mad and emotional the second time, and she told me that i ruined everything between us. She tried to remain friends with me, but after only a few days she told me she didn't think it was healthy for her. 

I feel very shitty, cause she really didn't deserve to be heartbroken by a guy like me. I told her it wasn't because i didn't like her, and personally i wouldn't mind if she wanted to have sex with someone else besides me. She told me i should have told her from the beginning about what i was looking for, especially since i knew she wasn't looking to just be my fuck buddy. And she is right. 

I hate how things ended up. Along with her, i also lost some mutual friends, who obviously took her side. I dont think i can try to fix anything. I lied to her and i broke her trust. Her friends now probably talk shit about me, and tell her to get over me, cause she deserves better etc etc. 

I m very depressed, now. Pretty sure i ve actually been depressed for a long time, but the current situation has only made it worse. I was prescribed some antidepressants, but i decided i didn't want to take them and roll down that path. I really dont like myself. I dont know who i am. I just wanna be happy. I m very self-conscious, insecure and introverted. Life was starting to get good, but now i ruined it. I also sometimes get bitter and put the blame on her for reacting the way she did and ruining our bond, but i know it's my fault. I didn't even deserve to be with her from the beginning.