I had been pampered way too long by my parents all my life. Living with no problems, no stress, no anxieties. I have lived a carefree life. You can say it is like living the dream. It’s only later in my early 20’s and 30’s do I realize that there is no easy money after all. That you have to work hard to earn. I thought the easy way was to go freelance but I was wrong. Freelance is unstable and you could go for months without a client. 

Now I am 30 years old, with no skills, only small years of employment, I sucked at my job, people hate me because I am too quiet, eventually my contracts don’t get renewed because I have an attitude problem. This is because of me not listening to instructions properly or doing a half assed job, being too lazy, and I always get scolded.

I don’t know a single thing that I’ve done in my life. I can see everybody is working like crazy and building up their skills just to survive this cruel world and here I am still cooped up in my room in the safety of my parents and the remaining money we still have.

I had so many opportunities wasted, so many wake up calls ignored. People telling me to grow the fuck up. But now it is too late. I am 30 years old and have learned nothing in the world. No cooking skills, I can’t even do laundry properly, I don’t help at home, don’t 

I have lost all interest… all those anime, games, even my freelancing job, everything is gone.  Now all I want is to have a proper job instead of this unstable freelancing where money is not always there. It feels like I am in a dead end job where there is no future.

And then, only do I realize how important building up my skills was.

Maybe I will just have to waste my life away… Eventually my parents will be gone, my sister will eventually have her own life. And I will be all alone with no one to take care of me. No one to take care of me.

The meds that my psychiatrist prescribed didn’t help. I still feel all that anxiety, all that depression, all that pain and heartbreak, the chills and the sleepless nights. Everything is still there. Always painful, always reminding me of the eventual doom that I will face.

*If you have no skills, you won’t get work, if you don’t work, you go hungry, and if you go hungry, you will die. A very long and painful death… all because you didn’t grow up and man up.*

It makes me think, I wonder how I will die in this world? Will I die of hunger? Will I get myself euthanized because I am useless? Or will it happen when eventually my parents are gone, I have no money, I will be homeless and eventually because of all of that despair, will get myself killed?

I don’t know. The pain is still there. I want it to end. I want it to stop. I need help. Somebody.