Hi there. I'm new to this sub, but I've been reading about BPD for a couple of years now. I'm pretty sure I have it, but I haven't been to see anyone for a proper diagnosis (yet). It is the only thing that I can actually identify my symptoms with. Anyways, I noticed last night (most recently, as this happens somewhat often) that I was disappointed that my boyfriend had bailed on our plans (2nd day in a row). He asked if I was bummed (of course I was), but I said I didn't want him to come over if he wasn't feeling up for it. He said he'd text me later last night to see if he changed his mind. He never texted back. I decided to drink (by myself, facepalm) and watch a movie to forget about it, even though I kept checking my phone every few minutes. When I was trying to fall asleep last night, I kept imagining different ways I could kill myself (I'm currently on Zoloft for anxiety). Maybe it was just me mixing Zoloft with alcohol (supposedly a "no-no"), but it gave me perverse pleasure thinking that I'd hurt him if I committed suicide. :/

I often feel like I am not good enough for him, and once he realizes this, he'll leave me, like everyone else has. So sometimes I even sabotage myself... I feel anger if I feel like he doesn't take his promises as seriously as I do, and I feel like a petty child who wants to "get back" at him to spite him... Not in any serious way; just being passive-aggressive by responding late and curtly to his texts, etc. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy: I think he's going to leave me, so I begin the process of pushing him away - and even though I'd be devastated if he did, a part of me (the masochistic part) would like to see it happen... Like an "I told you he would leave you" to myself.

I hate that I'm like this. I want to change.

Can anyone else relate?