i think maybe it’ll be good to write my thoughts down without bothering anyone else. i keep bothering people with my stupid problems, because my anxiety and sadness can be like an itch that i can’t ignore. my stomach feels achey and my legs don’t feel like mine. it’s an odd sensation. 

holden broke up with me on Thursday. he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that he’d rather live out his high school life without a girl. i guess i should’ve seen it coming. he always seemed more interested in other things, especially miken, than me. like i like him fully but he seems to only get half way into liking me. it’s kinda like when some people lead someone on, just because the other person likes them so much and they just play their little game and try to convince themselves that you like the other person. maybe i was that to holden. i think that makes sense, it’s hard to put it into words.

i’m very upset about this breakup obviously. my anxiety always goes through up and downs and right now its definitely a very low down. i think holden and i would be great together, if he just showed me the same effort and care that i feel for him. we have similar mindsets, goals, friends, it was always fun to cuddle, i think he’s adorable, and i was really looking forward to more experiences i could share with him. i was gonna go to the zoo with him, meagan and will this weekend but now i’m not sure if i wanna go. it’ll just remind me of the fun times that we could’ve had. i wanted to go camping with him so badly. i could’ve convinced him there that i’m worth being around. i could’ve done more to bond with him and be more interesting.

at least it’s made think about bridger way less now. sometimes i think “oh maybe i should text him, he always responds fast. he always validates my feelings” but that would be using him. i really don’t like him but he doesn’t deserve that. he already seems to be fixated on Ella anyway, holden’s ex. she’s really pretty, and seems to be more like able and cute than i am. why can’t i be like that? why can’t i be confident enough to post pictures of myself? why am i so upset to see bridger fixated on another girl? does that make me feel less special? 

my unhealthy coping mechanisms are embarrassing. i barely have any sense of self control at this point. i want to text holden so bad, i just wanna see him but i don’t wanna waste his time. i guess my brain has just decided that distracting myself is the easiest way to cope. i constantly seek validation from others, it might be one of my biggest weaknesses. it just makes me feel pathetic. if holden were to see how much of a loser i am i think he’d be disgusted by me. i disgust myself. i’m scared of what my future self might do, i’m scared i might ruin my future right now. 

right now i’m just holding onto a glimmer of hope that he might realize that i was cool to be around and he’ll come back to me. i’d say yes in a heartbeat. i really wanna be around him again, and hug him really tight. i sound creepy right now to be honest, but i just miss him already. i really hope he misses me. 

i sound so desperate and stupid. i was only with him for a month. i get attached so easily. i try to convince myself there’s a “special” connection that really isn’t there. like with johannes. did he give a shit about me? not really. but in my head i constructed some kind of idealistic fantasy where somehow he was and our whole situation was a little sad romance movie. even with holden, i can convince myself that he’s perfect for me, he’ll come running back to me after he realizes what he’s missing and we can share so many fun experiences together and i’ll be able to touch him again. but no this isn’t some stupid YA novel. 

even the way i’m writing right now sounds so over dramatic and stupid. i’m literally pissing myself off with my own thoughts and words. my emotions are so fragile at this point. or are they?? what if i’m just making all this stuff up. it seems like i’m always fabricating lies in my head. even my own emotions feel like lies. 

social media isn’t healthy for me. gorgeous, happy people make me feel a little sick. my jealousy is also one of my weaknesses. i can’t help it. okay i’m gonna stop writing now before i start to become too over dramatic and end up regretting writing this stupid little novel. i hope my stomach stops aching. i need to distract myself again and i’ll be fine in the morning.