My official diagnosis as of September 2020 is Bipolar 2, BPD, and autism. I really struggle with relating and understanding others and expressing my emotions when overstimulated and that's like 90% of my waking life right now.

 I feel like the moment I'm overstimulated and getting unreasonably upset over something small, my boyfriend assumes I'm attacking him and it turns into a fight. This often leads to self-harming and/or me isolating myself to avoid self-harming.

The only place to recieve local therapy for at least 3+hrs is at the general hospital and they have a rule on their mental health floor where if you no-call no-show twice or more, you get banned. I was going to therapy 3x a week and needed to have medication apts once a week, so for someone who goes to therapy more than work it was easy to slip into a depressive episode and miss a week. Now I'm five months into my six month ban and I don't have a job anymore, I can barely take care of myself, I'm $5k in debt and just can't get out of this rough place.

Because I have no way to take care of myself and my bf got laid off, we've been struggling to make ends meet.  We'll be homeless by June, and my boyfriend is extremely overwhelmed with the sudden responsibility of taking care of both of us when the first two years of us living together I had a good job and worked really hard. Tbh, after all of this I don't even want to go to the hospital anymore for help because I feel like I got abandoned when I needed help the most. I was struggling already and now I have nothing to keep me grounded.

I feel alone. I feel like I have no one to reach out to anymore. My boyfriend is also my best friend so our arguing makes me feel like my support system is gone. He has a lot on his shoulders. I know that. But when I ask for reassurance when I'm upset it feels like everything always leads to a fight no matter how I phrase it. I'm already suicidal, and I feel like giving up on this relationship and everything else because I feel like I'm so difficult to be around that my presence is a burden. 

I know that my bf just hasn't had to deal with this part of my mental health quite yet, but I feel like he wants to leave me. 2/3 of my close friends left less than a month into it because I can't get out of bed and they "don't want to watch me kill myself anymore". I feel like he doesn't love me and I feel like talking to him about our problems is hopeless, and I don't have anyone else to talk to. I am so isolated now and I feel like I ruined everything I worked so hard to change.

I feel like my bf is going to leave me because I'm always "nagging" him, my mom and I aren't talking because I'm not "trying anymore", my older brother (aka my only active parent growing up) says being around me is "exhausting", and I've been completely ditched by everyone who doesn't understand why I'm like this at this point and explaining leads to "BPD is not an excuse" but I just want someone to understand. And I know that those are all valid reasons and I deserve it, but if I get out of bed, if I open up, if I try to go into public or, if I put the stress of work back on my shoulders at this point I will be at risk of my own life.

I feel burnt out, exhausted, and hopeless. I'm afraid for my life because I know that it's only this bad because I've been trying to manage this on my own and I can't; However, I don't know if I can last another 30 days. I also haven't decided if I will ever be able to trust my old therapist or psych again after going through all of this. I fucked up everything and I just wish I knew how to do this on my own.