I never thought I would be posting anything on Reddit but here I am. I did something real bad but I don’t regret anything. Before I get into anything let me do a backstory. 

I’m a (15f) and all my life I knew I was never the favorite child. I would get blamed for things I never did, I also get yelled at a lot by both my parents. I never knew what I did wrong for them both to make them hate me so much but it’s the sad truth. 

I’ll give you guys some examples. About a week ago my mom and oldest sister made a comment on my ass. They usually say I have a flat ass and that I don’t have any boobs. I have always let there comments get to me but I never showed it as I can control my emotions pretty well. 

But this time they both just wouldn’t stop. And it really got to me. (Btw I’m also the middle child with 2 older sisters and 2 younger sisters) so I said something that I know is shouldn’t have said. I said while pointing to my youngest sister at least I didn’t look like her when I was younger. My little sister is over weight and I don’t know why I said that but after I did I got in trouble as she started to cry. 

I felt bad for involving her but it just proves my point on how my parents care about me less. After I said that my mom said why would I say something like that and said she’s perfect the ways I am. And that’s what triggered me. If she’s perfect then what am I? Does she really have to comment on my flat butt and small boobs all the time?

Same thing with all my sisters they all tell me I have no butt or boobs and I’m tired of it! And the thing that I hate the most is that I know I’m also over weight but I’m not that big. Or maybe I am and I just say I’m not. 

But another example is my mom,sister and I went shopping a couple months ago. I tried on a dress and let me tell you I wasn’t confident. I have very low self esteem and there comments on how I looked just made it worse. They said where did my ass go and I felt like crying right then and there. 

Once I got back into that changing room I cried so hard. I try to play it off but I couldn’t. 

Anyways back to the first example. I don’t exactly remember what my mom said all I know is that it was about my weight. I told her she is picking favorites and how she made me feel when she comments so carelessly about my body but when it comes to her favorite she get mad. 

She didn’t say sorry which is typical of her. I went to the bathroom wiping the tears that fell out. And then this is the part that I don’t regret at all.

I have a box cutter in my room. I guess you guys can figure out where this is going. I cut myself that day and I don’t regret it at all. It made me feel better. I have never felt like this ever. And they weren’t deep cuts there was just noticeable but small cuts. I have been wearing a sweater so my parents/sisters don’t see.

I haven’t cut myself since that day. Well until today. My mom and dad yelled at me for something I didn’t do. Right after they were done and they went into there room I went into mine grabbed the box cutter and went straight to the bathroom. But this time it was different.

I cut my self deeper and not like the first time I did it. When I first did it I felt better but this time I felt it was wrong but I still couldn’t stop myself. I’m taking this to the grave with me. And even though so many people will see this I don’t care I would rather have this off my chest then keep it all inside.

But I also realize 2 thing. Number 1 I can only trust myself and number 2 if the only way for me to feel something and keep this fake ass smile on my face is to cut myself then so be it.