flair: relationships, venting

my birthday is on wednesday, and every year the week leading up to it is atrocious for me. i hate that i exist, and the thought of having made it through another shitty year/having to make it through another shitty year is torture for me (but that's a different post).

i say this to say that i've told my boyfriend (unsure if he's an actual FP of mine, but again that would have to be a separate post) how hard of a week this is for me, but i feel as if he hasn't been actually supportive. i know this is because of the bpd. i know, but i feel so shitty. we got into a fight friday morning because i threw a "fit" (as he calls it), he didn't reach out until saturday night, we had a talk yesterday morning, and i feels like he's distancing himself from me.

today has been a very destructive day for me. one of the worst i've had in the past few days (aside from my almost suicide attempt on friday). i didn't feel like he was enjoying talking to me at all, and it was making me feel worse.

for context, after work he is often playing video games with his friends so texts are usually some time apart (which makes me constantly in edge bc y'know abandonment issues, but again different post), but we're usually able to keep up some sort of conversation.

today it felt like i just could not entertain him, so i asked him if he had plans for the night because i wanted to reach out and maybe watch a movie together over the phone, but i regretted it immediately and before he responded i said never mind with three exclamation points because i realized that i was not in the state to properly receive rejection. well he tells me that his cousin is coming into town tonight, a few days early, and turns out i was right—i was not able to handle rejection lmao. the rest of this is just easier if i put it in script format so:



me: is it okay if i leave you alone?

partner: if you would like. can't force your to talk to me

me: well first i don't see talking to you as something i'm forced to do so cut that out

partner: i know. said that because it sounded like you were asking permission

me: i was asking permission.. 

partner: then yes you can leave me alone if you want.

me: it's not that i want to. i'm having a really destructive day today, and i'm finding it harder than usual to give you incentive to talk to me tonight. i'm just feeling miserable about my existence. typically when this happens, i find it's easier for others if i just remove myself from contact. it's not because i don't want to talk to you, it's because i don't feel like i'm adding any value to your night and that i could potentially be a sore spot in it. no need to refute these, i'm just trying to be more open like you want.

me: and to be be perfectly clear, my request was /not/ due to anything that you did.

partner: Then just let me know if there is anything that i can do for you babe. I’m here for you. 



i know i told him not to refute the statements but i feel like absolute trash because he didn't say anything else or even acknowledge that i was trying to be more open (because that's something that is an issue for him). it feels like i should have just kept my feelings to myself because he doesn't care. i know he says he's here for me, but it's like he didn't even /try/ to make me feel better. he was basically like "okay cool. good luck with your suicide, i can't wait until you're out of my life."

i'm in such a terrible space right now and i'm going to be 26 soon and i'm trying to think better and have better coping mechanisms, and that's why i'm reaching out to this thread, but i really just don't see the point in trying because the person that says they love me once again (not again with him, but again in my life, as what always happens) is okay leaving me alone while i'm like this. i know he doesn't know the full scope and he's not in any way responsible for taking care of me because i'm a f-ing adult, but i can't tell him because i don't want to ruin his night, and i don't want him to break up with me.

i don't know when or if he's going to reach out and i'm freaking out right now.

i'm sorry if you've gotten this far. you're not responsible for my feelings either. please don't feel obligated to vote and/or respond. i've already hindered you enough. i think i just needed to vent to prolong other things. thank you for taking the time out to read.