Hi,

I don't have any advice or constructive things to share. It's after 1AM and I'm alone to fester in my own thoughts again. Just found this place and need to let loose for a minute.

I was diagnosed as borderline about 4 years ago. My therapist recommended group therapy sessions i never went to because i was afraid. i stopped seeing her shortly after that because i was covering a lot of ground in terms of mental health. I had recently exited a relationship that compounded my problems. I was working hard on my thoughts and behaviors every day and stopped wanting to kill myself, so I stopped seeing her. But I never really addressed my borderline traits.

I was pretty stable for over two years. I even doubted her diagnosis. About a year and a half ago i fell apart in a bit of an episode and have been struggling since.

I really don't have it that bad. I am not promiscuous, I don't go on spending sprees, I don't purge, I haven't self-harmed in years. I am a college student and I manage my grades okay. I cook nearly all my own meals. I call my parents at least once a week. I am fundamentally functional.

The wild mood swings get me pretty bad. One day i'll be completely losing it and thinking of some dramatic bullshit i can do and the next day i'll feel like i was just dreaming, like I'm on totally different ground. One thing that is almost constant is a need for attention and approval from friends. Once I start getting it i'll enjoy it for a short while then push it away pretty strongly. 

I've said some pretty nasty things to a small group of friends over a group chat but they acted like nothing happened. I worry constantly about what they and everyone in the world thinks about me. I feel like a maniac most of the time. In an attempt to ground my anxiety I might ask a friend and the awkwardness of the question seems to kill any chance of getting a reasonable response. Maybe it is an unreasonable question. My friends are a little bit immature but maybe it is too much to ask.

I hate myself deeply. I hate my skin and my identity and nearly everything about me. I have reinvented myself several times over and am feeling a bit out of ideas. I sometimes drink alone but I don't get very drunk. I have opiates from an injury that I have been meaning to get rid of but still use sometimes like an idiot.

The obvious answer is to go back to a professional. The first time I reached out was after a failed, half-assed suicide attempt and strongly considering another one. I'm not that bad right now. I know I should go. I'm just not.

I'm just a stupid kid. I want to be out of my head. I want to be here to talk to other borderline people. I do still doubt my diagnosis for lack of the more glaring symptoms I mentioned. I know that's not helpful one way or another. I'm hoping talking to other people can solidify my feelings one way or another. Or maybe someone can tell me what an ass I'm being. I brew in my own delusions every day. 

I wanted to use this as a place to finally be honest about me and hear a response from another person. It's been years. I don't have close friends. This is probably not making any sense. I apologize for rambling. Thank you for reading this. I would love to talk to you. Thank you.