    FLAIR: W/O BPD (I think the content warning flair is more important).

    Sorry for the long, post, and sorry if it's hard to understand, I'm not too good at constructing cohesive texts, and I'm not a native speaker. Thank you for your patience, and I'm grateful if you're willing to read this.    

    Before anything, I want to say that I love her more than anything, and I'm willing to have a relationship with her, despite disorders, or odds, her family, or anything else, because I love her so much. I won't leave her no matter what, and I'm understanding of her problems, and how they affect her.


    My girlfriend has BPD, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression. At the start of the relationship, she would get very angry and aggressive at me, even with insults, because of my ex. My ex, that was from over a year ago, a shallow relationship that lasted 3 months, and then she left me. Being my first relationship, I cried and got really sad, but 3 months later, over it, realizing that she wasn't a good girlfriend (same week that she broke up, she hit another person, failed, and then came back for me trying to make me be her personal esteem boost, she didn't want to date, but wanted me to stay with her, wich I didn't, so she started ignoring me, and then I stopped messaging and realized she wasn't a good person and I was mistaken). 


   I gave my girlfriend total access to my phone, (even before we were a couple), because I have NOTHING to hide from her, and I trust her completely. She read the chat with my ex, and the chat that I had with my BF around that time, im Wich I said I was sad, and crying because of the relationship ending. My now girlfriend cried a lot over this, saying that I loved my ex more than I love her, that if she didn't broke up I would still be with her, and saying that I messed up. Even during the "discussions" I wasn't angry or mad, I never insulted her, and when we "solved" this, I wasn't mad, and I even said she didn't need to be sorry about this, because I understand she is insecure, and she can't stop thinking and guessing thinks because of her problems. (Solved is in apostrophe, because same thing would come back many times later, wich I reacted the same way). After the first problem, I thought we had solved it for good, and I deleted the chat with my ex, sort of like a "it's finally over, and everything is good now". She didn't like it at all, and was VERY aggressive towards me when she found out I deleted it, because she wanted to keep reading it. I'm not psychologist, but I guess she was obsessed with it. And she says me deleting it, was me messing up. 


    The other day I "messed up" was when I was in her house, I was playing pool, and her mother said it was time for me to go. She was in the bathroom, when she came back, I told her, and she asked "are you joking?" I don't know why, but I laughed saying I was serious, sort of like when you're saying the truth, but you start to laugh while telling it out of nowhere. She went to the couch, and I finished up a shot, then went to the couch, and saw that she was sad, then I tried to comfort her, but she pushed me away, (this had happened practically all the times we've met). Then I proceeded like I usually did, and asked her "do you want a hug?", "Do you want to talk?", "Do you want me to sit on the couch with you?", "Do you want me to be here?", and all of the question were always answered with a eye-roll, and a "no", "leave me alone", and sometimes insults. I backed up a bit, and went to the pool table, Wich is in front of the couch, to be near her, but not on her, you know? Give her some space. After a while, she gets up, visibly angrier, and goes to a closed room. I follow her after some 30 seconds, and ask her the same questions again, wich she answers even more agressive and with more insults like "jerk", "asshole". Since it was a while since her mother told I needed to leave, I went to the house (this happened at the grilling place, wich is a separate place from the house) grab my stuff, and them she came after me, and while I was grabbing my stuff, she took some candy I bought for her and said "this is yours". I was affected by what just happened and, I didn't answer her, and got back there, since hee mother would call me an Uber. I came back, she said I would stay a bit more, and then I was going back to talk with my girlfriend, then she arrived. She was even more pissed off and wouldn't even answer me, pushing me away. Later she said that when I felt the house, she started crying a lot and having a crisis. She started saying a lot of things about me, bad things, and I started crying and feeling horrible about it, and I tried to explain myself to her, but she would answer saying that if I loved her I wouldn't do that, and saying how I ruined everything. When I was leaving, she took the ring out and gave me, after I arrived at my home, she started messaging me saying she was crying a lot, and we discussed a lot. She tried suicide after this, and I was feeling so guilty about it, like, I was crying loads, and screaming. The very next day I went to see her, and I cried in front of her, said I was feeling horrible, and I shouldn't have done that, and I kinda still feel. After this, we kept talking, and she got back with me. Talking to her, she said the reason she started to get mad that day, was because I laughed saying I had to leave, and because I got back to play pool instead of being with her (i just finished a shot). It was already a subject that she said I messed up before, because I didn't seem "happy enough" to the "news" we were going to see each other at the end of the week. We have been seeing each other pretty much every every weekend, and a lot of the times during the week too, with very few exceptions, so it was always kind of expected, it was just the confirmation of the time, and day I would go. She also complained I don't get "sad enough" when I'm leaving, Wich is like, I get sad, and all, but it's not the end of the world, but I understand that from her perspective, it is, and that when she gets happy, it's the best thing ever possible to have happened, but it seems she doesn't understand my side, and I know it's hard, and I'm not mad or hurt by it in anyway. 


    After some months, she kept bringing this up during some crisis, and I tried to handle it the best I could, never getting mad at her, and such. Even to this day, she keeps saying that I messed up big time, and I ruined everything. 


    Other time I "messed up", in her words, is the time where we were chatting and singing in an music singing app, the stream was public and someone entered. The 3 of us started talking. She was being a bit rough with me, saying that I'm dumb and slow, because I couldn't find and put the music, things like that and etc, but I don't get offended or triggered by it, because I know she has BPD. All of a sudden, my girlfriend says "OMG, did you know that he already watched hentai?" (It was a long time ago, and I'm not proud, but one day she asked, and I'm 100% honest with her). Then she joke "I don't even know why I'm dating him". Then I said "So don't lol", because I knee she was joking, and I joked with her too, about the same thing. She got SUPER mad with, banned from the stream, and then I reached out to her and tried to.talk to her, and explain thar I was joking WITH her, about the same thing she just joked. She insulted me very hard, like fuck you, fuck off, you're disgusting, dumb, and some more. She said for a fact that I wasn't laughing when I said it, and I started to second guess myself hard at this time. I wasn't mad at her, and I actually was feeling guilty, bit she said she didn't want to talk anymore and I said "ok, I understand that you are mad right now, so good night, sleep well, and I love you". She freaked out on this, and answered with "what?? No, you're kidding... Fuck you", and then blocked me. Inside the app, I reached out to the other person, who happened to be a girl (which I think it contributed a lot to the following events), asking om her perspective ehat happened, if I laughed or I didn't, because I was genuinely thinking I was getting crazy because I remember laughing. She answers after some time, but I was already sleeping, and says she thinks she was joking, and that she is alright about it. Next day I wake up, still blocked, and then I read the message. I explain, that, no, she's not ok about, ams she was really mad, and blocked me. And I vented a little, about despite this happening I love her so much and I try to understand her 1.000% and be as patient as one can be. Ok, fast forward se hours, and by the end of the evening, still blocked, I reach out to her on IG, and I ask her "Are you okay?" She answers that she is more than okay, and asks if I have something to tell her. I don't get what she is saying, and then she talks about me talking to that girl. I explain myself, saying that I was getting crazy thinking.if I had acted wrong and didn't laugh, and that I was trying to tet her perspective. As I explained, she got angrier and angrier, saying that I reached out to someone else, before reaching out to her (even tough I texted her at the same minute I was kicked, and the other day I was still blocked, even after she came back from school, so I reached her on IG). I brought up the fact that I was still blocked, and then she said she woke up late for school, didn't had time to unblock me, and she was going to get home and unblock me, but then she said that when she arrived, she saw a message from the girl, saying that I was worried about her, and then got angry again because I talked to her. The girl didn't send the printscreen of the talk, so she didn't knew ehat we talked about, only that the girl said I was worried about her. During the fight, she asks for prints, I send them, and then she changes, saying that she was angry because I talked about her problems with someone else random. I explained that I tried to talk to her, the second.it happened, but she blocked me and I was still blocked. She starts saying that she hates because I always keep explaining my self and making up excuses. After this I started to get stressed, and I sent a text saying that "I can't handle this anymore" (talking about the fight and the discussion), and that I don't think I should be sorry and guilty for doing what I did, and saying that I understood her why she was upset, and angry, and understanding her problems, and said sorry because it's something that she got upset, even if I'm not wrong, I should. When I stood my ground saying this, she flipped out EVEN MORE, and blocked me again, and didn't talk to me again. Next day she says she tried to kill herself, and I go to her place, and we talk out,.she understands my side, and I understand hers. But she still says that I messed up, and I was an asshole. Recently, she showed me the conversation with the girl. The girl had passed her number to my gf and she texted the girl. Exactly one minute after she insulted me, and blocked me, and I thought she was having an episode of anger, but I saw the messages, and I was shocked to see talking to her, so friendly and calm. I thought that in BPD anger episodes, the person would get angry at EVERYTHING, but I don't have BPD, and I don't know what is like, so I didn't even brought it up. 


    So, last week, I was with her at the couch, in her place. (For context, she had locked herself in the bathroom, and was writing a suicide letter. She texted me "I'm not feeling well", and then locked herself in the bathroom as I was desperate trying to reach out for her. After she talked with her mom and got out, she told me she was writing the letter, and I sent her a giant text, saying she wouldn't need to use it, and that everything is going to work out fine, she will get better, and such, that I loved her more than anything, and all. She didn't answered it, and I understood she needed some space and time alone, and I didn't worry too much, since her grandmother had an eye on her. After some hours, she answers "I'm decided, I don't want to date anymore". I answer, in complete understanding, that it was her decision and I would respect it, and that I'm still there for her, and I that I love her more than anything. I also said that I didn't wanted this, because she said that some times before, and she said "you don't even try to keep me and fight", then I explained that it was because I respect her, and I already said I'm always there waiting for her. In the weekend, I went to her place, but she was not treating me so well, pushing me away when I went to hug her because she would get upset out of the blue, and I tried to comfort her, always by her side at this time, just like every other weekend we saw each other, and she would get an episode. She eventually sleeps on the couch, and after some 30 minutes, she wakes up, looks at me very angry, and says "if you're going to keep treating me like this, I think it's best for you to live." I ask "treating you how?" Then she says I'm cold and rude with her, and that I was different. Since the first "fight" were I walked off, even a little bit before, she would say I was treating her different, that I changed, and we don't even talk the way we used to. For the record, every day I would send ger messages, proposing things for us to do,.watching movies, trying to initiate a quality talk, send memes, talk jokes, but most of the times she would cut off, and wouldn't want to do anything, and I get that this is a depression and BPD thing, but she was blaming it on me,.saying that the relationship changed because I had changed. Initially I believed this, and was very guilty about it, saying that I would go to therapy because I didn't knew why I changed. After some time I realized. After she said that I was treating her different, i asked if she wanted me to leave, she said "no, it's too late and it's dangerous". I said that I gad left even later other times, but she got mad and insisted. She would keep starting to discuss, and when I tried to comfort her and hug, she would push me away, and say "you're the reason I'm not well, and then you keep trying to cheer me up, I hate this, stop". She was cutting me off a lot, I tried to talk about something,.and she would straight tell me to shut up and she doesn't wanna know. So after some minutes, I got up and went outside the house.im the yard to look at the sky and calm down. After some 5 minutes, she is furious, saying that I did the same thing again and left her. I try to explain, but she says that I keep making up excuses, just like every time, and she just gets angrier. She took all my things, and all my gifts for her, put it on the table, and went to her bedroom. Next day we wake up, and then we talk, calm, she cries and insults me a little, but it's not near yesterday, then she eventually "understands" my side, and we get back to normal. I always understood her side, that's why I didn't got mad at her. Understand is in apostrophe, because she still says I messed up. 


    For context on this one, one day she asked if I had loved or was attracted by any other girl besides her and my ex. I think about it, and then I answer no. cause I don't know if  this is normal, but I can't feel attracted to someone without knowing them, even if I like them. I wasn't even attracted to my ex, when we had sex (just 2 times) I had to fake orgasm. I'm not a psychologist, but I think this relates to me being abused as a child. When I was younger and lived in a condo, people tried to set me up 2 times with a girl, leaving us alone at night im the stairs, but I just walked out, because I didn't felt comfortable, and didn't like them. Other time, I was at a 15th birthday party of a friend, and people tried to set me up too, but I was super uncomfortable, and walked out too. For more context, its very probable that I have ADHD, I went to a psychiatrist, and she told me she couldn't diagnose it without a test and give medicine, without a test made by an specific kind of psychologist, but that she thinks I have because of the talk and questions she made me. I ended up never searching for this psychologist that could do the test, probably because of ADHD, and I feel lazy, and I feel that I'm putting the blame on something else, other than me, for not doing things, etc. So, what happened yesterday, was this. We were in a call, I was screen sharing my cellphone, and I stumbled up a note called "dreams", in Wich I used to note all my dreams around 2019. So, in one of these dreams, I wrote this "In this dream, I was with, this person, this person, and this person (the girl that i like)" I didn't even remember this girl, since I never actually talked to her, and I liked her, because we played basketball together with other people, I don't even know why I liked her, but I wasn't even attracted by her, because of the problem I explained earlier. I liked her, for about a month, and never did anything more than think "oh, I like her". Needless to say, GF is super angry with me, and says I'm not truthful to her, and I explain to her the story, and that it was so insignificant, that I didn't even remembered, but as soom as I read about it, I remembered. She reads the story, and then she gets even more pissed, saying that she can't trust me, because she doesn't know what else i "forgot", and that she is disgusted by me, and she didn't thought I was like this. She put it on apostrophes. She doesn't believe me, and she says that I ruined everything, and I messed up again. She said she shouldn't have had trusted on me, and she regrets dating me. I'm feeling super guilty, and I don't know what to do, or what to talk. I'm really would like your advice and your perspective on this, please. 

    
    Thank you in advance, if you made it this far, sorry for the long post, and thank you again for reading all this. I can't express how grateful I am if you read this, and I just needed someone to talk this to, and help me, give me advice on what to do, thank you!!!.