Apologies for the venting, if this shouldn't be here let me know. Idk where else to post without being judged or being told I'm being x, y, z. 

Honestly I do hate that I am upset and pissed off rather than being happy for my brother because I just don't feel like he deserves it. 

The reason I don't feel he deserves it is because he, being the boy always got what he wanted when we could afford it. He was raised with love and care, and when he did wrong he didn't get punished, instead I did cus his faults are actually mine, as I'm the oldest and it's my responsibility to take care of him (my mother's words). When it came to studying he'd get told to try his best and it's fine if he failed. Everyone supported him when he dropped out of school in year 7 cus he hung out with the wrong crowd.

While expectations and treatment for me were very different. Im biologically female (closeted ftm for safety), they wanted a boy. I was raised "Do as your told, not as you please", any excuse that could be found to beat me was used, even if it's I didn't do something asked of me the moment I was asked. It was expected of me to be the best. And if I didn't get straight As I was a failure. I worked hard. I went on extra programs and volunteered to beef up that resume. Even then. Even when I was a top student and did these things. It didn't get me praise or attention, I sometimes regret trying to hard. It feels like a genuine waste cus I never got a good job. It was lonely. I was forced to drop out in year 11 due to financial difficulties. But eventually did finish school, but can't afford to do further learning. 

I went through many jobs as a kid I wanted. But they were always shut down for being "bad" and "unreliable". So in highschool, I did a lot of IT classes and fell in love. It's what I wanted to do. When my mother found out she was pissed. She didn't want me "wasting time on a computer" for work. She got violent and did as she does until I eventually lost passion in such a career. This was 12 years ago. It's not like this was back when the first PC's came out. 

Everytime I think about doing IT as a career, that memory keeps coming back to me. Not like I can just reduce my hours or leave my job to go to school. I really can't afford that. It took me 9 years to finally get a job. And I applied for EVERYTHING during those years, it's a job. It pays. Not well. But it pays.

My brother who refused to get a job, and has been offered work left right and centre to just reject the offers, he was eventually forced to work for the dole. And just to get that centrelink pay, he did it. They offered him the paid apprenticeship and job, the first time they offered he rejected, but the second time he took it cus it pays really well. He isn't too keen working but the money is really good. 

My mother is super happy and proud of him, is even rubbing it in my face cus it's what I wanted to do. But she conveniently can't remember why I "stopped being interested".

It just feels so unfair. Why him? Why was he always given and offered everything despite doing nothing?

It makes me hate myself so much. Wonder what's wrong with me. Have I just not worked hard enough? Am I not doing enough? Just what even is the point? I know I'm not entitled to anything. I don't even think I deserve that offer. I've never been enough. I've never been good enough. Why can't I get over myself and just be happy for my damn sibling? Why am I making this about myself? Why does this hurt so much? I hate I feel so god damn jealous. This stupid jealousy just makes me hate him more when he's done absolutely nothing for me to resent him so much.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?