Last year, I failed an exam which meant I couldn’t go into my third year at university. Had a whole alcohol fuelled breakdown and ended up living with my (at that point estranged) parents again. Things have been generally fine, apart from a stint inpatient, but meh. 

I did a retake of the exam a month ago. I get the results on Thursday. After doing the exam, I kinda thought “it’s fine, I’m sure I’ve passed it, I’ve actually managed to kinda study this time” and pushed it to the back of my mind. 

Boyfriend brought it up two days ago, asking me when I get my grade. And fucking hell did I panic. I’ve been in a state of anxious depression that’s worse than usual because I’m so scared I haven’t passed. I’ve never been scared of not passing an exam before, I’ve always performed well. 

This stupid disease has taken so much away from me. My family for a whole year, my friends, ex boyfriends, my money, my jobs. All I felt I had left was my education, even though I’d gone from a good student to mediocre at best. But I was gonna get a degree. I was gonna finish uni and get a job and move in with my boyfriend and everything would fall into place. 

But if I fail this exam AGAIN, everything will be up in the air. I’m scared I’m gonna have a total breakdown again. I can feel myself in the edge. I’m scared I won’t know how to stop the bad feelings if I fail. 