(Note: By the end of writing this post, I've already come to terms with this predicament of mine, however, I have no doubt in my mind that these thoughts will come back for another round of haunting, and when it does, I hope that this rant of mine can cool me off enough that I won't need to post another one lol)

All my friends come from my experience playing music which doesn't really devalue the relationship I have with them, but I wonder if I would have had any friends were I not peers with these people. I've never kept any friends that were made outside of music, the cycle was usually that I would hang out with someone and they would eventually ditch me for someone close to me (usually either my cousins or other friends), and I would end up as a "secondary friend." As I pondered on this, I began to realize how unbearable I can be. I tend to be reserved, giving my two cents on the rare occasions when people were having discussions on things I was interested in. However, sometimes I get too invested, and my more energetic side starts getting loose. This is when I usually end up saying something I thought was funny or would provoke a reaction and proceed to back out in shame as I either get told to stop being so loud or the conversation would end in awkward silence. And every time, I end up back on the thought:

"Why do I have to be so annoying?"

I don't insult, I don't interrupt, and I avoid talking about sensitive topics, but every time I take the chance to say something, I seem to fail in satisfying the conditions for the conversation to continue. It infuriates me because I can't seem to understand what I did. There's no guideline on how to not be annoying, even if there was I was never informed about it. And yet, it seems that everyone has an understanding of this seemingly simple method of non-annoyance, with the exception of me.