TW: Intrusive thoughts (graphic)

I was basically addicted to the internet for years. Eventually had a massive argument with people I considered friends, and... IDK. Decided to try socialising in real life. Face to face.  

And it hasn't been any better. I'm bad at socialising, at holding conversations, at initiating conversations. I'm too broke at the end of rent, bills, and food shopping to go be social - and I mean absolutely no money broke.  

When I do make friends, I inevitably fuck it up at some point. I am incapable of keeping friends.  

That part has NOTHING to do with BPD. That's the bad part. It's just a shitty upbringing.  

The absolute worse part that is BPD? Intrusive thoughts. The constant negativity in my head that tells me what a horrible person I am, how undeserving I am.  

I wish I was better at socialising, etc. I deserve good things too