CW: mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts.

“I’m not afraid of happy endings, i’m just afraid my life won’t work that way”- fear of dying. i know it sounds silly starting this off with a song lyric but this was by one of my favourite childhood bands, Jack Off Jill, i remember first hearing that lyric when i was in middle school. i didn’t quite understand it, recovery wasn’t on my mind.. wasn’t something i ever thought of. I entered highschool and recovering was forced onto me “YOU NEED TO STOP SELF HARMING” “YOU NEED TO STOP DOING THESE THINGS TO YOURSELF” “YOU NEED TO RECOVER” things my schools guidance counselor would say. Nothings wrong with encouraging recovery, matter of fact i’m pro recovery!... now back to the lyric and the original topic of the post. “I’m not afraid of happy endings. i’m just afraid my life won’t work that way” Exactly how i feel, put perfectly into words. I want to recover, i really do but mental illness is all i know, it’s become apart of me.. I don’t know how life would be without it, the thought scares me . i want to recover but damn i’m scared to