I have been in therapy for a while but my therapist became super unreliable, seeing me inconsistently about once a month instead of weekly. I lost my insurance and couldn't see them anymore and then I when to Europe for 3 months (I'm in the US). Now that I'm back, I keep calling/emailing therapists and no one responds. I can't afford $70 dollars per week for betterhelp. I need to go through my new insurance (which is also terrible).

I'm 20 years old and live at home. I spent 2 semesters at college and it was great. 3 months in a different country with my boyfriend and his functional family was even better. Now, I have nowhere to escape to and have the same days off as my father.

My father is a narcissist who keeps hugging me as a way to fix our nonexistent relationship. I am starting to really really dislike him forcing this affection. I avoid him as much as I can. I hate him. If I tell him to leave me alone, he will get mad and blame my mom. He'll feel sorry for himself but never consider what he did/didn't do to cause this problem. Throughout my life I've tried to get close to him. Every time I let down my walls a bit, I'm reminded of why I had them in the first place. He's been worse since I left the country. He and everyone in my family were very against me leaving. He says he's "made mistakes" but I think the only thing he can think of is working long hours. Not blaming/punishing my older brother for him(father) not knowing how to use the computer, not insulting my brother each and every time he saw him for YEARS, not throwing plates when angry, not throwing his dinner plate on the ground 'cause he didn't like what my mom made, not throwing chairs down the stairs or tipping furniture over, not screaming so loud that I constantly worried the neighbors were going to call the police, making them come into the house and see how messy it is.

My rabbit passed away almost two weeks ago. He was with me for 10 years. Half of my life. I decided he had to be put down. He had arthritis and several other conditions. I feel both that I should have done it earlier and also later. I always advocated for anything he needed. Vet appointments, supplies... it took me 3 years to convince my parents that he needed to be neutered. My father wants us to hurry up and get rid of his old food/hay so he can buy a pinball machine to put where his area was. My father went to a car show the morning after he died. When he came home in the evening after the car show, he approached me and said "I'm sorry about the rabbit. I wish you would have waited to bury him. I loved him to you know." He wanted me to wait until he was home from the car show to bury my pet. I'm glad he was gone. I didn't want him there. I wanted to protect my sweet bunny from my dad, unlike my mom did for me, her, and my two brothers.

She rarely gets money from my father who hides our finances from us. He gives her very little, constantly saying he has no money. Meanwhile, he has two old classic cars that require diesel fuel and many repairs. He took out a 30k loan to buy the second car which apparently is now a 50k loan. We don't know what the 20k went to. He keeps telling us that we don't have money and wants us to cut back on heat and food. He makes about 110k per year at least. We don't know though. We also suspect he may be cheating on my mom again with the same woman (cheating was 10 years ago). He has always refused to cut contact with her and that she "drops by his work all the time because she lives in the area." He denies it, using the same excuses/reasons that he did before. 

My mom does not know how to stretch a dollar. When she gets money, she makes minimum payments on her credit cards and buys takeout for everyone and premade meals from the grocery store. She also is constantly letting food expire in the cabinets and buys more of what she doesn't use. I have bought cereal and milk for my family at times when we had been out of essentials for a while and my brother has given her a lot of money for food/credit card payments as well. It scared me when we didn't have essentials in the house and I went a couple days with a fruit cup or two and nothing else. Now I have two jobs, I'm afraid to spend my money, but I do buy my own groceries. I can't really cook though, because my depression is so bad since I've been back in the country that I can't brush my teeth consistently, let alone cook and because one of my brothers has OCD and will become enraged if anyone brings raw meat into the house. He will yell and otherwise become very toxic.

My mom can't take care of herself. She does virtually nothing. She quit her job because of her depression/anxiety. She really struggled when I went an hour away for college. She does not cook or clean. When we ask her to help with things like emptying the dishwasher, she says it's too hard. I know depression very well. I've had it for years. I know it's impossible sometimes, but still sometimes I do resent her for not protecting me from my dad by divorcing him and for simply not doing her share of housework. I have taken care of her for too many years. Both emotionally and with housework/turning off lights/tv/removing glasses when she falls asleep.

My boyfriend is from Europe and I want to move there for a few years. I have learned that I can't really talk about my boyfriend and that my mom will never be fully supportive of our relationship because she feels that I am abandoning her. I was in Europe for 3 months and she never called me. She didn't want to interrupt or something. I called her every couple days and she occasionally answered with things like "so, are you pregnant yet? Married?" When I returned and told her I wanted to move there for longer, she said she thought I shouldn't have returned so the band-aid would have been ripped off. Now she admits she messed up and that she can't expect to hear more about my relationship. I still feel like she's upset/frustrated or something because I don't trust her to discuss important topics anymore.

Sometimes I feel scared to think about what I truly want. I haven't thought about it outside the confines of what my mom wants and disregarding my boyfriend (i.e. if I wasn't with him, would I want to leave the state? The country? I don't want to think about that). I don't want to hurt her. She's been through so much. And now she's subject to my father's abuse along with her own son's toxicity. He wants her to fix all his problems but she can't. It feels like he's turning into my father. My mom is amazing. She has sacrificed so much for us. She paid 1/3 of my college with her savings. She always took care of me when I was sick. She even drives me to and from work. I owe her. 

Both of my brothers are older than me and still live at home. We all hate it here. 3 months away gave me time to heal and see what a good environment was. Returning to this has left me with worse mental health than ever.

My father has threatened to beat up my boyfriend and has insulted him. I want this move to be when I cut ties from him completely. However, I feel like I'm selfish for staying with my boyfriend or that he's this dream that I still haven't realized is out of reach. Thinking of my future with him, once again, feels hollow and numb and impossible. I hate myself and still don't know why anyone would love me. I feel as though I am getting closer and closer to deciding to start cutting. More and more, I'm feeling alone with no one. I feel like I've now lost my mom in addition to my dad. I've lost my childhood friend. I've lost hugging my boyfriend. And again, I've lost the joy of thinking of our future together. Or joy of my future at all. My brother has become toxic and now it's just my boyfriend and my other brother who has been suicidal for many years. I know I need more of a support system but I'm scared of making friends. Expressing myself is exhausting and dangerous.

I just need someone to listen and tell me it makes sense for me to be falling apart. I feel abandoned by therapists, I feel the good things in my life and my little remaining safety/sustainability in my house slipping through my fingers, I feel afraid of my brain, and I feel so incredibly guilty and worthless.