Feeling empty after break up with BPD ex. Recent diagnosis. I didn't do the research til after this last split. What makes it hurt worse, is with the knowledge I have gained, I learned I have made a lot mistakes to destabilize my partner. She has put on an all star level push away since the last fight. Refusing to speak on the phone or video call. Smearing, punishing, drug use, acting out sexually, getting close with a close family member and blocking me, mostly but always reads emails and pushes away after some small insight about her life.  This isn't the first time our relationship has gotten really bad. She is in therapy and I am as well. Somehow so far she has always self corrected and been right back in my life. But we get close and she gets the approach anxiety and its off to a made up fight or a straight delusion.  She makes strides in mental and physical health every time we are together though.  I can get her to slow down and think in gray about situations at times. Sometimes, she sees her behavior and has made great improvements in the way she treats me in non black painted moments.  I thought our fights were just a game at times and these break ups come and go. I always thought the breakups were fake honestly.  I thought she was just a mean person. Now, that I understand this person, she is nowhere. She sees my attempts at trying to figure out how I could have been better as blaming her. I feel very defeated knowing most women would appreciate empathy and the level of effort I put into trying to inform myself for her. I want to be with this woman and learn how to not fight all the time. Therapy, couples therapy, whatever it takes. The person she is when I am not painted black is who I want to be with. It feels impossible not to miss that person, but that person now is acting like I am just the devil himself. All I tried to do was nurture her good side, and I always got so much crap from her I would end up angry and the fights kept lasting for days. I said some really mean things and that seems to be the biggest issue. She filled up my life and I see now that I have to keep that in check, but I swear its never felt emptier than right now. I am trying to maintain low contact with her because I want to show her I care. I want to right some of my wrongs and get back with the good person and nurture them to stay. I just hurts. It's confusing, confounding, and pretty much consuming me, even though I am doing self care, breathing exercises, socializing more, getting exercise, and taking up new hobbies. I don't know what kind of advice I am really looking for. My life outside of my relationship has been going well. It just this one thing. One thing driving me to depression. I have been through heartbreaks, but this takes the cake. It really does. I hope someone else out there can relate!