I am a sixteen year old and I am pretty sure I have BPD. I got it from my father, who is the reason I will be killing myself. I have known nothing but abuse all my life, and so has my mother. I don't know how to describe what I am going through, because such matters might seem trivial to the outside world, but they are eating me up inside. I have nothing but hatred for myself, and that has ruined any chance I have at future relationships. I hate that I sound like my father, I hate that I talk to myself the way he does. I hate the fact that he wants me to die. I hate the fact that my mother has to suffer so much because of me.  Everything about me needs fixing.

I've had good grades first two years of high school, with only 2 Bs. I was one of the toppers in sophomore year at my school. Now in junior year, I'm failing three classes and my father is losing his job. We have no savings, and I obviously don't have a shot at college. He doesn't have money for tuition, and I am the worst version of myself I can possibly imagine. I often fail to act in self interest, and I don't think I will in the future. I simply don't want to. My life has been ruined. I have been robbed of a normal childhood, and I won't have a normal future either. I am sure of it. Nothing about me has been normal. I have no friends at all. I don't any have people I can truly confide in, and therapy's fucking expensive. With a month long quarantine in place in my country, I am confident I won't come out of this alive.

I just need to find the courage to kill myself.  I hope a few more days of this bullshit will suffice this need. I just want to say that life will never be easy for people like us, and yet people expect us to be grateful. What did I do wrong? I was born like this, with BPD.  I didn't ask for it. Nor did I do anything to deserve it. Now I am like this, drowning in a pool of self-hate and anger, with my ambitions nowhere to be found.

People expect me to be grateful to God for the gift that is life, when he failed to give me a normal one.

Fuck God.