I posted yesterday about [losing my shit](https://redd.it/7jbf35) due to an insurance hiccup. Yes, I did end up having a breakdown where I tore up my Christmas decorations and stayed in bed all day. But how it really went down makes me believe my breakdowns aren't merely related to stressors like that, but an olfactory sense.  PTSD.

My husband is an alcoholic and hides it well. Most of the time I let it be because I love him and I can't make him stop. (OH I wish it would stop. I'm worried about him all the time.) I had to walk into his room to grab some paperwork and his paystubs on his desk. My plan was to get some paperwork, call the insurance, call the hospital, then go up to the hospital and apply for financial aid. But his door was locked. I rattled the doorknob and he eventually woke up and opened it. But his room REEKED of alcohol. His dishelvedness and smell told me he had drank a lot. I went into a panic and don't remember much of the hours after. I was apparently so scary that he left the house for the day to give me room to breakdown. I think we had an argument, don't know. I black out with dissociation. 

My dad was an alcoholic and I don't remember much of my childhood because of the abuse. I know I was thrown into walls, through doors, grabbed by my hair and thrown to the ground, chased outside naked, etc... Most of this was because my dad was a mean drunk. I am diagnosed with C-PTSD, too, and I have known for awhile now that merely smelling alcohol makes me worse. 


-- I just don't know how to tell my husband. When we first met and got married it wasn't this bad. I could drink a beer, he could have a few shots, it'd be fine. Lately it seems that every time I smell alcohol I go into a panic. I want him to cut back, if not stop all together. I want him to be happy and healthy. I'm so worried about him. He's fallen and gotten a concussion from drinking too much. He can be suicidal when he's too drunk. He's embarrassed himself in front of work colleagues. He literally got so drunk this year at a hotel during a work-related event that the hotel staff had to watch him in the courtyard as he stumbled and fell onto furniture. His colleagues abandoned him because, yeah, and I struggled to get him back to his room in one piece where he yelled at me and told me he was going to kill himself, all night, until 4am. I didn't sleep. 

I don't know how to go about this and I certainly don't want to make ultimatums. I watched my parents go through the same thing and they are still together. My dad eventually quit alcohol and our relationship is the best it's been. I don't want to leave my husband or even go away for awhile. I am financially dependent on my husband. But if I am getting triggered each time he does this and it is causing me to be unable to work and if I left I could recover enough to work again, maybe I should. It hurts. 