I've been depressed for 10 years, suicidal for 8. My last attempt was just under a year ago, my ex fiance (who then cheated on and dumped me) told me to wait 6 months after returning (we were in a LDR) to give it a proper try, because he said that my home environment was bad. Objectively, I'm in a better place--I have more autonomy, I have access to the help I need easier, I don't have to live around my abusers. But I can't stop thinking of dying, every time I go to counselling it's like the socratic method of convincing myself more that that's the right option. Getting dumped is obviously compounding it. I don't know what to even do, I've been to therapists, psychiatrists, I (generally, not at the moment) eat well, get a decent amount of exercise in, etc. The only thing I've not tried is antidepressants as my psychiatrist told me that I was at a high risk of overdosing + they tend to make things worse before they make things better, but I've made an appointment with my doctor. I'm on the waiting list for CBT. I've downloaded a CBT app in the meantime as another tool in the toolbox. I don't have a lot of friends, and the ones I do I reach out and they offer a few platitudes before leaving me on read. I just don't know what to do, and all I want to do is die, it's almost a craving. I'm trying to work on myself more, if I die now then he wins. But I'm just stuck on where else I can go, what else I can do