I’ve never posted anything to reddit before, to be honest I’ve never posted anything like this in my life. This is a lot for me and to be honest I might end up deleting this. I just need to get this off my chest because it’s unbearable feeling like this all the time and being too scared/embarrassed to tell anyone, even counsellors/doctors. 

Basically, I’ve struggled with mental health for the majority of my life. As a kid i was really happy and bubbly, despite growing up in a household full of arguments, fights, chaos, etc. My family is dysfunctional, I don’t want to get into too much detail but let’s just say it hasn’t been easy. I didn’t start noticing that I felt like this until I was around 13 and even then I knew it was more than just depression and anxiety, I’m a VERY extreme person and sometimes it’s amazing, but the bad definitely outweighs the good. I don’t know for sure if I do have BPD as I haven’t yet been diagnosed, but from the research I’ve done, my emotions and actions really align with what I’ve read. I’ve done so many things that I’m too embarrassed to say on here, I really struggle to talk about my feelings and there are a lot of things I haven’t told a single person, so I don’t plan on doing that here. 

I just can’t take this fucking feeling anymore. The constant feeling of emptiness and hopelessness, always feeling like I’m on the verge of doing something stupid when the slightest thing upsets me. I’m tired of feeling dramatic, I’m tired of being self aware but not being able to help myself. I’m tired of no one fucking listening to me and essentially telling me to “get over it”. I’m fucking tired of feeling numb, insecure and regretful of the past. I don’t know why I’m posting this, I just feel like it’s the healthiest thing to do with what I’m feeling right now. I’m so fucking frustrated, like this feeling is indescribable and I’m so tired of getting angry that people keep trying to ask me what’s wrong as if it’s just one thing, it’s just... everything. How can I even explain that? I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I have no one that will understand. I’ve tried counselling before and it was completely useless to me, I just want to know what’s wrong with me so I can try to get better.