I dont know what happened. 

One day he just just started gaming all the time.. I didn't really notice it until I  realized I've gone to bed alone more often than not. I tried to talk to him about it but he just old me this is how he's always been. I didn't want to fight so I apologized but deep down I knew that wasn't the truth. He used to game a lot but I never went to bed alone. After I spoke him it got worse. I go to bed alone every single night.

His office is slowly bringing people back in one week a month. One day he was gone and I took the trash out behind the dumpster was a bunch of cigarette butts. I asked if he was smoking again he said no. He said that maybe someone else was coming up next to our garage to smoke. Last week I found his pack of cigarettes.  I told him I dont care if you smoke. That has zero to do with me.. I'm not his mom I have no right to tell him what he can or can't do. However lying to me does involve me and it hurts. He cut me off got angry and said he never lied to me. I told him if he can't bother to hear me out then I was done with the conversation. 

He doesn't kiss me anymore. He barely hugs me. I am on birth control where I only have a period every three months.. we have has sex three times since I went through my last pack and now am two weeks into a new one. 

Today I was going to buy something online so I checked my account.  There was too much money there so I looked at the transactions and saw a PayPal deposit  for $250. I texted him and asked if he sent it to me on accident and what was it for. He said he was buying his friend a cpu so they could game together. I looked back further and he's accidentally sent me money a few times over the last few months. 

All of this piled up on me and I had a panic attack today. I texted him that I was moving into the spare bedroom for a while.. he said dont bother and that he'll just stay in the game room on the couch. He didn't care at all.

My heart is so broken. The worst thing about loving someone so so much is how easy it is for them to hurt you. I can't stop crying. I walked through the kitchen to put stuff in the dryer and I can hear him in his game room laughing. He doesn't care. 

I should have known this would happen. It always happens. There is something deeply wrong with me. I dont deserve to be loved. I dont deserve kindness. I feel like I'm dying of a broken heart and I dont even care. I deserve  this. I must have done something wrong along the way. I wish he told me so I could fix it. 

How do make the pain stop. Its unbearable.