Sorry in advance for what very well may become a wall of text.

5 years ago I chose to become celibate for 1 year. So I could focus on my therapy without the distraction of my relationship contortions. So that maybe when I got into a new relationship I would be healthier. I did however have online "friends" and even some online romantic disasters.

After 1 year I felt still very unsure and had weak boundaries. 

After 2 years I felt better but was enjoying being single and "creating a life worth living".

After 3 years I said Well... maybe.

After 3.5 years a friend accused me of having given up and choosing to be miserable. So I joined a dating site. Went on 2 dates and ended up in an 11 month relationship. 

On the surface it seemed probably the healthiest relationship I'd had. He lived far enough away that we did not see each other all the time. He had expressed to me early on his dislike for long phone calls so that was never our thing. Our planned time was wonderful. I had boundaries I had perspective. I was in love.

Last August it all came crashing down when after months of problems that seemed to be exterior stress,his job, money, etc. I felt horrible and neglected for some time. I wrote it off to my BPD. When I finally decided that no matter what position he was in, it was time to call things onto the carpet and ask for what I needed.

I made a plan. I set acceptable boundaries for me. I worked hard. When I arrived to talk. My things had already been set aside and very long breakup short- He had wanted to end things in November after I got really drunk at a party and "embarrassed" him. He "tried" to give me a second chance, ergo the romantic trip to Vegas, our continued dating and sex life, which I guess it is important to say, was of a BDSM nature. So when he could not "forgive me" he made the choice to be difficult to me. In hopes I would end it.

Coincidentally  that was something a friend of his seemed to be doing to get rid of his gf. We had even talked about it once and I said very passionately that I thought it was "one of the most evil things to do to a person"

I was so broken hearted. But I did ok. For me actually I did excellent. No self harm, no binge drinking, appropriate grief. I almost immediately got involved with someone online to "play" with but nothing else-- but as usual I caught the feels and had to back away. I semi-fell apart. And realized I was carrying a lot of unresolved anger and sadness from my ex. I cried for a long time. The depression began to sink deeper. 

In December I needed a small and very easy surgery (on my bits) that I have had before and something went wrong. What should have been 2 days of pain and then three of discomfort became 8 weeks of infections, pain, medications, probing by doctors. In the most sensitive and triggering area of my body. But I eventually healed.

I met another person... just for play. But he... knew everything. He is my other half. He is... no splitting pretty amazing as a spiritual match for me. But... recently he started drifting. Less messages, less time, lots of excuses. 

Me saying things like, hey if this is not working for you just let me know so I do not sit around worrying or wondering. Him saying. I miss you terribly. My life is so busy or blah blah blah. After his last absence he sent a series of sweet messages on skype... then he went offline and has not been back since. 

I think a billion things. He is injured/dead to ok. Yet another guy who can't seem to just say "Yeah, it is over".

I have just not been well. Not since this whole online involvement started. I knew I was too attached. That he was too "perfect". So much so I wondered if he wasn't catfishing. He helped me reconnect with my body... because after the whole ordeal I HATED my body worse than normal... 

So his disappearing acts continued. Each one more painful than the last. Until I say, no more.

And I am saying No More to the whole game. This is not a rash decision. It is... a horrible and sad choice that I have made after a great deal of deliberation, therapy, and even more therapy. 

I am scared because this time I am deciding that virtual interactions can be as painful and debilitating as IRL. I need to just stop. I have spent years and years trying to get well. Find myself. Stop being a silly putty girl. Stop being someones plaything that they take out of the box when they want. 

And I am scared shitless. I am not sure of what. Being alone, yes. But I know it is not like I am branding myself and getting bound at the knees. I can change my mind. But is fear of being alone enough that it is the lesser fear than losing myself and my sanity again and again and again?

Because here is the real crux of it all. Each of my last 4 "relationships" virtual or IRL stole something from me that was noticeable. 

-my acceptance of my body

-my squee- that unparalleled childlike glee I felt so often despite the depression. 

-My understanding and belief in the chance to live safely in a power exchange relationship.

-My sense of wonder
This is by far the worst. I am a big fan of Harry Potter and so many other fantasy things. I find now that I cannot suspend belief. I spent an hour crying in therapy saying Why can't the Weasleys just say "Accio Money" I now see every plot flaw and inconsistency in all of the movies I watch. I have not been able to climb into a book and lose myself. In fact I have read 45 pages this year. Last year- 52 books. 

I know who I am even less than before.

So I have to do this. I don't want to. It is the hardest thing. But I have to realize that in a relationship. I am no good for me. I become someone else and I stop living and start mimicking. I let them push my moral boundaries. Do things that I find repulsive or even triggering. All in an effort to be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, fuckable enough.... and I never will be. Because my brain will never allow me to believe I am.

So I guess this is a wall of text.... I could edit or delete it-- idk. I hate not being able to preview. But I just needed to get this out... stop keeping a secret from myself. Make it real.

I need to become emotionally and sexually celibate and grieve the loss of that part of my life that has been so integral. My very identity at times lived between my legs and that needs to be over. I need to realize I just cannot do it. I cannot ski, so I don't because it is dangerous.... I cannot relationship because it is dangerous.

So, tl:dr BPD stole my chance to live a life that includes a romantic and sexual partner.  





