So,I don't know, I've kinda given up on living a normal life. If it's not BPD it's depression or dysphoria, or just really anxious and have trouble functioning.  I've tried, but things always escalate to a point where shit happens.

Twice I've almost put a large kitchen knife through my arm, second time losing me my job. About a month ago I had a psychotic episode due to how desensitized I was, feeling nothing and struggling with many voices and screaming in my head, decided to kill myself and my cousin called an ambulance to stop me. I was hospitalized in a BHU for a week, a week after release I tried to end it by taking a bunch of sleeping pills in hopes of never waking up. Then yesterday I had some coffee and negated the effects of the medication they put me on, I lost my shit last night as I ended in a 4 way argument with other personalities.

It's getting extreme, and I don't know what to do about it. Do I give up and go for disability, get a 15 hour a week job(if I can handle that)? Should I be hospitalized for a month or longer to try to get my shit together? Or just keep repeating the cycle of life and death until I finally go deep enough?

Ugh, waking up stressed out really f***in sucks.