my boyfriend had been emotionally cheating on me, i stuck around for a while because i was just in genuine denial. it was never worked on on his end, i never got any reassurance or comfort or anything. i felt like i was just still being manipulated and lied to. i spent every day hating myself, waking up crying, believing i wasn’t deserving of anything good in the world, purging again, i finally broke up with him and the manipulation still didn’t stop. we stopped talking and i finally feel free and the most hopeful i’ve been in a long time. but somehow, i still feel like a failure and i still feel like i’m not worthy of anyone. i constantly go from being the happiest i’ve been and focusing on the positives, to just breaking down and feeling so lost and hopeless. i just feel like i’m in some type of purgatory. my psych wants me to go back to the partial hospitalization program, but financially it’s not looking realistic because i’m now stuck paying rent myself. she prescribed me a new antipsychotic because i’ve had bad luck with many in the past, but my insurance isn’t covering it and i can’t afford paying $200 for a 30 day script. im having little episodes of derealization and colors look brighter and i feel high, but i know that’s not healthy. i had to call my mom when i was driving because i felt unsafe but happy at the same time? im not even drinking coffee because i wake up just feeling so energized and inspired. the insane happiness and hope and new outlook on life only lasts a day or so, but the depression parts are killing me. i just want to keep staying hopeful for my future. i just want to feel stable and comfortable and safe again.