Ugh. Here we go again, back at square one. The metaphoric place I put every ounce of my effort towards to escape, but I’m wound up here again. 

It’s all back, just where Id left it. The overpowering, gut-wrenching fear, the racing thoughts, and every worst-case scenario is just rushing towards me at once. The psychosomatic symptoms just make everything so much worse. The throbbing tension headache, the low-grade fever, the tense muscles and chills, the fluttering heart and churning stomach all make it feel like I could drop dead at any given second. 

Each and every sound feels like it’s hooked up to an amplifier, and it’s terrifying. Late at night when no one else can hear them, the prospect of imagining these creaks and bumps only causes more fright and panic. Could I be losing my mind? Or have I been bit by a rabid animal without knowing? How much longer until my heart just explodes? Perhaps that thumping headache is a brain tumor instead. 

It’s hurts to think. It hurts so much, but I can’t turn it off. It’s like touching a hot stove without the ability to pull yourself away. This feeling of angst rocks my entire body, and I can’t help but lie awake because of it. 

The fear itself isn’t the worst part, but worrying about when it will end... Will it subside when I wake up tomorrow, or will the hours bleed into days, and then into weeks, and so on? Whenever it finally subsides, I dread the fact that it’s only a matter of time before it comes back to suffocate me once again.

I just feel so hopeless. My parents are fighting, my dog got attacked, I don’t have a psychiatrist (and also might have bipolar, but that’s a completely separate topic), and it feels like I have no one to talk to. So, I’ll say it here. To all the strangers online who made it to the end of this god awful rant, pat yourself on the back.