I cheated on my boyfriend 3 years ago but didn't tell until a year later. I still have not fully forgiven myself for it and when I go through depressed episodes, I want to die from the guilt. I know those who read this will think I'm a worthless piece of shit, which I'm already fully aware I am.

My boyfriend would often go on business trips and wasn't able to give me the attention I wanted, so I fell for the first douche bag that gave me some emotional validation. I guess I'm just writing this to my fellow Borderline sufferers -- don't fall for it. It's not worth it. I know this would seem like common sense to a normal person, but for me, it was so painful when my boyfriend would go out of town, not text me back immediately, or have little to no contact with me -- I was seeking any form of relief from this feeling, anything to make me feel valuable. I was using someone else, and he used me, too. 

During the cheating \[which lasted about a month\], I felt pure euphoria when I was with this other guy. So much that my head couldn't think clearly, and I basically disregarded the feelings of my boyfriend, and my decision making was a total cluster fuck. I look back now, thinking of how I neglected to see how wrong I was, not foreseeing the long term pain, and what kind of person I was to cheat on my loving boyfriend, and I have a full blown identity crises. I'm completely disgusted in myself. 

It was traumatizing for the both of us when I told my boyfriend I cheated on him. When he walked away from me, I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I called myself names out loud. I told myself I was a worthless bitch, cunt, lying cheating piece of shit that should kill herself. I was crying with rage. I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror.   I started to spiral into dissociation and panicked. I walked outside and the walls were moving like waves. I felt like I was tripping on drugs. I called my best friend, but I couldn't recognize my own voice, and talked with an accent (sounds crazy, I know). I can't even put into words what this feeling was. I'm shaking just thinking about it. I was paranoid and thought people were following me and listening. I thought I was surrounded by demonic forces who were going to kill me. I did not sleep that night at all. It was complete mental torture and I'm still recovering from it. Sometimes I still have flashbacks and get that 'trippy' feeling. The next year, while I hid the cheating, was complete suffering. Carrying around that guilt ruined me mentally. It wasn't even the act of cheating, either. I was forced to question who I truly am in this world, what kind of person I am, and that alone was enough to feel like dying.

Thankfully, my boyfriend forgave me. I don't know why... but yeah, he did. Probably because he pitied me and saw how fucked up I am.

It's a slow process, and as the years go by, I am slowly forgiving myself and working on rebuilding the trust in my relationship. I'm on new medication that has helped tremendously. 

I guess there is one good side to the cheating -- a huge wake up call. I am now able to recognize the feelings and emotional issues and how I choose to deal with them. 

That's all. Thanks for reading.