I often invalidate myself as a coping mechanism. It tends to get so bad that I could be right in the middle of a depressive episode and still berate myself because I'm not really depressed. The result is that I have sudden lightbulb moments where I see myself the same way a stranger would and it's suddenly so clear that I have symptoms of depression/anxiety and more. So I'm happy I noticed this.

For example, I noticed today that I tend to obsessively rewrite and check things in fear that they are not correct. This checking often makes me put more pressure on myself to do "the thing" and causes more avoidance. As a result, the need for the thing to be perfect delays my ability to do it on time. E.g. I was texting someone today and, feeling anxious about their perception about me, I pre-drafted all of the messages and edited them before sending them. I made a minor mistake (accidentally showed evidence of my drafting behaviors) and now feel so much shame. I will likely spend all night thinking about it until they text me back. Even if I try to forget it, it will be in the back of my head. 

Other examples are obsessive journaling (sometimes many hours a day, feeling the need to capture what I am thinking, therapist told me I need to lay off), obsessively checking my appearance and feeling hyperaware of my body when I go anywhere other than walking the dog, reading emails 10-20 times before sending. I am often late seeing my friends bc I get trapped changing in and out of clothes in front of the mirror. Anything that I sense has high stakes re other people judging me (social anxiety), I have these behaviors. This happens with forecasting a lot. I tend to forecast extremely far into the future about how things will go wrong. I am very aware those things will NOT happen, it's not even possible bc it's so far in the future, yet I can't stop myself from panicking over imagined events. 

Even here! You see how much I'm writing. I have another account where I write like this constantly. I sometimes spend multiple hours drafting a post. I do something similar in my journal. I write extremely long replies to people and keep editing them just in case I've forgotten to include something. 

It's weird bc I also do this thing where I will obsessively read something important to me until it loses it's meaning, then I feel discontented. If that makes sense? E.g. I have a lot of trouble validating that I experienced abuse as a child. If someone, such as my therapist, confirms my experience, I will obsessively think about what she said until it loses it's meaning. Like I will suck it of its validating powers. Once that happens, I no longer believe what she said and will quickly go back to believing the abuse didn't happen (no internal validation). 

I'm just grateful most of these behaviors are not debilitating for me. I can't imagine how difficult it is for many of you who have to deal with obsessions/compulsions that affect your daily life. I'm just surprised at my own inability to see the disordered thinking in things I've been doing for YEARS, despite constantly thinking about symptoms. I'm just worried. I'm hoping to eventually work with people who suffer from anxiety in the future, I'd like to be a clinician, but I question my ability to help people if I spend my life overwhelmed by my own anxiety. I'm not sure if I have it in me to do that journey and be well enough to not project onto people I work with.