Hey, again. You guys were super amazing with my first post yesterday, to the point where I almost cried lmao. I have a few thoughts/questions but don't want to constantly make posts, so I wanted to just make one huge post.

1- DAE feel like people you don't even know are your best friends? Lately I've gotten back into Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter. I constantly have the videos playing. These people don't even know I exist and yet in my head, it's like they're people I hang out with. 

2- We have 3 dogs. While I would say that my husband is my FP, the oldest dog really gives him a run for his money. Is that a thing with anyone else? We always joke about the dog bring my baby, but I legit feel like he is my own kid; my own flesh and blood. 

3- I can't picture certain events and emotions. My husband is at a work conference right now, several states away. I myself have a debilitating fear of flying, so naturally I was worried. However. I have a morbid fascination with picturing events where things go wrong. One event I tried picturing was the plane crashing with my husband on it. . . But I didn't feel anything? Can anyone else relate? Like logically I know that thought should at least cause me some emotional discomfort, but I've got nothing. 

4- DAE just get completely frustrated when people question your actions? I deleted Facebook a while back I was part of my town's rant and rave page, and the topic of dog bully breeds came up. This lady was not open to reason and just kept insisting they be put down as puppies. I realized I was taking the argument too seriously after calling her a complete idiot, so I deleted the comment and apologized. That helped me to realize I needed to just stop with facebook. So I posted a status to my friends saying that I would be deleting it in a few days and to message me if you still wanted my number or whatnot to stay in contact. I had multiple people comment, telling me it was a dumb idea and that I was just being irrational. I don't. . . Why? Why was it any of their business? And what makes them so high and mighty that they can decide what I should or shouldn't do? I lost so much stress after deleting Facebook. Much like a lot of other people have said, I stopped comparing myself to others and didn't have to worry about appearing perfect. 

5- DAE get fixated on random things? Ever since I was a kid, I would get stuck on movies or tv shows and constantly rewatch them. For example, Lion King is my favorite Disney movie. As a kid, I would watch it, rewind the tape, then watch it again. All day, every day. As an adult, I fall asleep to the same movie for weeks. Right now, it's Apollo 13.

6- I don't feel like my BPD is. . . Well, earned. Did I have a perfect childhood? Fuck no. But my issue is that even if I do say that I believe I was emotionally abused, I question if I was or if I'm just saying it for attention. Yes, I was forced into sports when I'd have rather read a book. Yes, I was yelled at and gaslit for shit I didn't do. The one quote I will always remember until I die was said to me just before I left for college- "you cause too much stress around here. When you leave, I think we can all agree that everything will be better." Normal parents don't say that, right? Normal parents would help their kid before it got to that point, right? But I'm still unsure.

7- I'm scared that if I go to a new therapist, I won't be diagnosed again. I've been diagnosed twice as BPD. Once at a mental hospital and once at college. But that was almost 10 years ago. Can they still access the records? Does it matter? I'm aware of my BPD. I want to be a mom, so I want to get help. I want to get treatment. I just don't want to be called a liar.

8- this is long. I'm sorry. I just have a lot of thoughts and wanted to share. Another thing I wanted to ask- does anyone else get attached to quotes? I have my favorite one actually tattooed down my leg- "Its only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything". It's just to remind me that hey, you've hit rock bottom before. And now you can do whatever you want, since there is nothing holding you back. 

9- if you're still here, I love you lmao. Again, sorry for the rambling. I did mention that my husband is gone for the week. That and combined with the fact that this town is racist garbage, I don't really talk to many people . I know that the conference my husband is at is a wonderful opportunity for his job, so I'm not mad. Just lonely, hahaha. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings. You're amazing. Sorry for the long post. :)