Posting on a throwaway to not be recognised, I hope...
I (31M) am based in the UK and was diagnosed with autism and dyspraxia (developmental co-ordination disorder) at a young age. Support for both of these are purely monetary and there definitely feels like there are less opportunities to find support at all, especially at my age.
By monetary, I am paid PIP and ESA (benefits).


I'm starting to notice not only that I have been not doing enough for myself in terms of trying to live even somewhat independantly in terms of a day-to-day routine and looking after myself but now I'm convinced I've become self-destructive in terms of not being able to break out of my own habits.
I hate being reminded, I dislike alarms being used because I feel like it reflects and reinforces how "bad" I am in some ways.


I hate seeing that I'm becoming more of a burden that even motivating for something that I'm supposed to take enjoyment in is difficult, not just the mundane day-to-day tasks that have inhibited me from being self-sufficient. It's a horrible sense of failure and disappointment that erodes me. It's probably not helped that I do love with my mother and she's also getting older and needing care... almost like the hope is I'll magically be able to take over and be able to manage everything while looking after my mother since she's been doing so for my life. Not saying I don't agree with it as of course I want to repay that but I'm not sure if putting me in a place of caring for someone would help.


I feel like I've missed out on so much in my life and yet because of how it's panned out. The reality is that I should be exchanged for a family pet like a fish because that's how void of life I feel.
Sleep, Eat, Breathe... Instead of Groundhog Day, it's Groundhog Week for me because every week is the same bar any special occasion (Birthday Party, Christmas etc.)


I can't say I have a bad life because there are upsides such as if it wasn't for being born in my family, I'd be a prime target for manipulation and could be in a far worse place or basically scavenging for food etc.
I'm on antidepressants, I had therapy because of a toxic relationship that put me in a really low mood, that had to end after a few months due to financial reasons.


No bank account, no driver's license because I was never encouraged and also being told that I'd be a danger on the road, no passport and never been abroad because of financial reasons and due to the struggles of calming down a child with these disabilities...
On one hand it's like I'm treated like I do have my disabilities and such with my family but the next I should somehow be capable regardless. There's no in-between. How can I truly learn to accept myself when I'm getting mixed messages. Am I only deemed like I have disabilities for claiming benefits?


I do have friends and they probably don't know a lot of it and I would say majority of conversation is online. I do mostly communicate to my online friends and I wanna voice chat with them... However I feel I can't because of one time my mother was anxious about who I speak to because these conversations don't seem right or random. A similar way to when kids are playing CoD or FIFA and the parents hear swearing either from their child or the people online, the parents feel like they need to stop the internet access.
Honestly I think if I did voice chat with someone my mother didn't know, it would become a family problem and would probably mean I'm restricted... Clearly I must be more of a threat online than a nonce with internet access or more vulnerable than someone giving out their bank account details to random people and ending up in monumental debt.


To be truthful, I've had the ideation of suicide however I have not acted upon it and nor have I inflicted any self-harm. As a child and teenager, I did headbutt walls and punch my legs because I was frustrated with myself. I mean probably I still am frustrated with myself because I feel worthless. Sure, I can talk about my successes/achievements from 3 to 25 in terms of education maybe but after that there's nothing to really celebrate.
Only reason why I haven't acted is guilt and knowing the people who would be hurt and probably knowing that I'd probably try to save myself from committing.


Dunno why I think I'd be able to find a loving female either with the multitude of red flags waving over me like not wanting to travel, not independent and everything else I've mentioned.
Plus I'd feel like I'd be killing off any aspirations or desires this supposed female has for themselves. Like even I know I'd take someone who can actually lead to some sense of normality over myself.


I can imagine some of you saying that I need to say and show this to my family or something... but I feel like the only action they'd take is to either up the antidepressants or put me in therapy again to somehow cope with it. Somehow it's like my life should be wiretapped.
Don't get me wrong I do love my family and care about them and fully know that they do love and care for me because they don't want to see me in a bad situation. I'd rather this was all my fault to be honest then anything to do with family or parenting because I know they've tried their hardest especially when I was a child and as a teenager.


Thanks for reading my entire life blurb rant I guess and kudos if you also got this far too. I do appreciate it. Normally when I'm not having this thought in my head I'm actually really upbeat and wanting to help others in terms of emotional support. ^^