It's one of those nights. I'm feeling bad and have been feeling it coming for a while. I've been so stressed out lately. The river I used to be, turned into the ocean a long time ago. I'm 22 and looking for work, but where I live there's nothing around but physical jobs. I'm weak and small. I'm being pressured terribly to get my driver's license, but am too much of a coward to take the practical exam. When I get stressed the skin on my hands will get small blisters, and it sucks cause it hurts. The wounds don't heal for months, a continuous, stinging reminder of the weight I've been carrying around for way too long.

I have loving family and friends, and a sweet boyfriend, but I still feel like I'm a ghost in the crowd. I've been swallowing antidepressants since I was 15, and have been in daily intensive therapy for 4,5 months last year. But I still feel like crap. I feel stuck. I have an awesome psychologist, but the sessions are €60 and my mom pays it. It's so expensive. I've been avoiding it for a long time, at my mental health's expense. Guilt is gnawing on my consciousness. 

I wish my father was still alive. Two years ago he died in a motorbike accident. He was my biggest supporter, and nothing seems to fill the hole created by the moment he left this realm. He understood me. Work wise he was a bio engineer and diplomat. But to me, he was a hero, a life changer. Sacrificing his safety to make sure others get theirs.

The only things keeping me going, are the people that I hold dear, and my fish tanks. Who else in this house knows how to take care of the fish? It's my responsibility to take keep them alive. Kinda ironic, no? Indirectly they give me the strength to fight  for tomorrow. I wish I could have a job in an aquarium shop.

Lately I've been craving a momentarily release, something that even briefly lifts the weight from my shoulders and lets me take a breather. I used to recreationally use substances, but am now craving them just to not be face to face with my demons. I, however, am too poor to buy anything, so all I have is my father's old armoire, filled to the brim with spirits. A lasting gift, a warm embrace, a mellow wave showering me from the inside.

I might do stupid things tonight, but don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I just feel helpless right now. My boyfriend was angry today at me and it doesn't help. He says I don't care about him, while I do so very much. It hurts me so much to hear him say that.

So here I find myself, sitting at the table, a glass of Cointreau in one hand, the other petting my cat's soft fur. The sound of the fridge humming in the background, not drowning out the voice in my head.

It's just one of those nights.