I (M14) moved four years ago from New York, where I grew up it was hard moving but eventually I got used too it. I moved all the way to Europe so it wasn't easy to visit. Recently I revisited and had a blast, found this girl I really liked, had the most fun I had in a long time with freinds, but I'm back. Revisiting showed me how bad I wanna move back. Here I have no good friends and everything feels dull and I hate it. This darkness creeps on me knowing that things will stay the way they are, that the happiness that NY  grants me being with my friends from there, are out of reach. I can't move back. My family loves it here and they know I want to move out but I haven't told them how I truly feel, how sad I am here. And how here I'm so lonely, so I stay up on my phone reading sad stuff all night, listening to sad music. I'm not someone who would be thought of as sad. If you ask the people I know, they'll tell you I'm the least likely to be depressed out of the people that they know. The sadness that engulfs me is terrible, but all I want to do is cry. I wish I could just have that torrential downfall go down my eyes, and I can't sum it up in words but I manage to cry a few times and it feels so good. It's like a way to release the sadness and feel. When you cry you feel the emotion, and that emotion is good, but when I can't it's this terrible bleak emptiness that eats me from inside and I so t know what to do anymore. It sucks that I can't be with this girl I like, my friends, the places I love to go and I would do anything to move back. The worst is I can't cry about it. I also hate the fact the I feel sad. When I think about it, I feel weak, the thought that I'm sad over something so stupid, makes me think the girl I like would think it's pathetic I'm sad. My life is in order, I don't have anything that would make my life look bad. I have good grades, come from a good family, I am very privileged, haven't had any traumatic events. I feel weak, like I'm sad over something I shouldn't be. I wish I had someone to tell how I feel but I'm not close enough to anyone to do that. I'm ranting into bleak endlessness, talking into oblivion, making no sense. I don't think I can describe how I feel very well.