I'm not diagnosed with BPD but it has recently been suggested to me that I might have the disorder. I am arranging for a meeting with a professional. It's holidays so I couldn't get an appointment right away.

My bf and I are arguing. He turned off his phone. I turn off my phone when I can't control my emotions. This way I don't do anything or say anything stupid to him. I told him about this that this is the way I cope. This is how I contain myself.

He turned off his phone just to make a point. I was so angry. I feel like I'll burst out if I don't materialize what I'm feeling. At first I bumped my head on the wall a few times just to feel another kind of pain but it didn't work. I still need something else just to not feel like I'm overwhelmed with all the emotions.

I cut my hair. I've always liked my hair short but he wanted me to keep it long. Now that I cut I'm numb. Probably from the alcohol but idk. I just want him to appreciate me. To validate me. I wanna feel needed. I want to have a purpose. I'm too fucked up for him and he's given up on me. I wanna die