I have 4 kids and a wife that I absolutely adore, but I'm just not strong enough to take it anymore.  I'm 48 and the depression is by far the worst it's ever been.  I'm physically sick and weak, I have a headache all the time, I get zero enjoyment out of anything, and it continues to get worse. I've tried almost every med combo, TMS therapy, psychotherapy, I've been hospitalized numerous times including this January, and I feel like I'm out of options.  I need to be here to take care of my family but I'm beginning to accept the reality that I just can't do it.  I'm so tempted to eat a bottle of pills and leave a note for my wife to tell my kids I died in my sleep from a heart attack so they won't know I'm a pathetic quitter.  I fucking hate the thought of doing it, but I'm out of hope and I just make everyone around me miserable.  FUCK