I've been dealing with serious depression and dark thoughts for over 4 years now. I've been to therapy and a mental hospital but it keeps coming back, always worse than before. I spend days crying. When I wake up I'm sad because my dreams are better than the real world. 

My family knows and I want to have a goodbye party and end it for good. It has happened twice in my family before and has been a very bad surprise each time so this is not really an option for me.

The thing is I'm not brave enough to do it, the will to live is not there so I don't understand why this is. 
Do you have any advice how I can overcome this? 
I thought about a couple ways but nothing seems to be fast enough and not as scary

I really can't accept my situation as it is anymore, it won't go away, I've seen it in my family