my fp (and long distance girlfriend) told me tonight that we need a break. not a break up but a break from each other. because i have stuff to work on that i need to do alone. and i know this, and it’s so hard to come to terms with. i have not been a good girlfriend to her. i’m horrible at showing my emotions (thanks quiet bpd and being raised in an environment where i couldnt ever feel comfortable sharing). i haven’t been there for her when she needs me. no matter how much i want to just text her now and talk to her i can’t. i need to do this for myself but also for her to see that i can. 

i deleted most of my social media apps so i wouldn’t be tempted to constantly stalk her profiles over and over all day. i tried to journal and reflect on why we have to do this. i did a tarot reading for guidance and it helped. but i can’t imagine how tough it’s gonna be these next few weeks without her. i’m afraid i’ll spiral and not be able to handle it. i’m afraid that i’ll get no work done on myself and be worse off than i was before.