i've finally be able to put my finger on how i feel and it's exhausting. during all of lockdown i've been completely disconnected from everyone and it really hit me how little impact i have on anyone's life. i've just seen my enthusiasm for everything disappear over time and i can't even sit around and enjoy shows that i like, i can't even participate in my life in the most minimalistic way, all i do is just exist and stare at things. i used to have passions, i used to love playing video games, i have always wanted to write something that would be published or performed and now... i really just don't care in the slightest. i've had four suicide attempts over the last nine months and it's like... it all just seems pointless and i don't know what to do any more. every time i talk to anyone, it's like i'm saying words and explaining how i feel, but they just don't understand what i'm saying, like i'm talking a foreign language and it's exhausting. all i can think about is how i'm going to kill myself bc i literally have nothing left and if i have any of those things left, i can't feel them. people keep telling me they care about me, but it just doesn't feel like it since i've spent almost all of my time alone when i've explained how things can be bc i literally have never hidden my bpd from any of my friends, i'm so open about everything and how i felt in the past and it seems like now i'm really struggling and genuinely in crisis, this is the time they decide they don't want to engage with me. and it's not like i'm sitting here in silence and not getting help; i've been with a mental health care team for like four years and it's only now they've referred me to have dbt which means waiting, i have a home care team who come to the house for like ten minutes to check i'm still alive and then leave and even they don't listen to me. they're always asking how i sleep and how my mood is and i'm honest and then they just leave and i'm left alone again. like they don't give me any kind of advise or help or anything. i started on quetiapine (seroquel) and was told that i would feel the effects for sleeping right away, except i haven't, my sleep is still awful, and then it became "a few days" and now it's "a few weeks" and so now it just feels like they're trying to shove drugs on me to make me shut up and stop whining about how much i want to die. and it's like... even when people say "things will get better" or the whole "night is darkest before the dawn" and whatever, i just don't see it. i'm so tired of people telling me things get better when it really feels like nothing has ever got better, my life has just got progressively worse. the minute people try to be positive, my brain just shuts down bc i just can't even think about being better right now. and then people keep saying "you just have to wait" and how much longer do i have to wait? i've waited my entire life to feel like i belong somewhere or that i have something i enjoy enough to finish a project or something, anything and i just never have, if anything, i've seen my joy and passion for life just disappear. but again, saying this, no one seems to understand what i'm saying or how absolutely awful it feels bc if they did, they wouldn't just tell me it'll come back. and there's part of me now that feels like i shouldn't even post this bc what's the point? i just really don't know what i'm supposed to do when i'm so far away from everyone and everything