TW: suicidal thoughts, discussion of attempts, substance abuse mention

i’ve very much always been the avoidant type of bpd where my go to coping mechanism has been “better off on my own.” only been in one real relationship, which lasted about a year and ended in flames right after i received my bpd diagnosis. i’ve been in and out of therapy for the last 5 years, which feels like it did nothing and have had more negative experiences with therapy than positive ones. my last therapist was a DBT therapist, and though i couldn’t afford group (out of network) i figured that hopefully that would still be enough to help. long story short he was a shitty therapist anyways- our last conversation ended with him siding with my parents and telling me that i should give them another chance and that they “did the best they could.” that’s not exactly what i’d call kicking me out immediately after i attempted 1 month into the pandemic, but sure dude. so i hung up the zoom call and never spoke to him again, and haven’t even tried to look for a therapist since. i know i should go back, but i just don’t have the energy: i spend 50% of the time lying about how suicidal i’m feeling anyways to keep myself out of the psych ward and more medical debt.  

needless to say, the self-isolation works and i’ve successfully kept everyone at enough of an arms length that no one ever really knows what’s going on in my life truly, or how i’m actually doing. the isolation is fine when i'm doing ok or even just the usual Not Good, but when i start doing really bad things tend to compound pretty quickly. i fought so hard to try to get better after my last attempt, and to end up right back where i started after making what feels like 0 progress has me feeling pretty hopeless. there’s been too many nights alone lately where it’s just been my cat keeping me here. i don’t know what i’m looking for here, I guess this is the part where having coping mechanisms besides isolating and substance abuse would have helped. I'm just so fucking exhausted of feeling like this year after year.