My main question is about my love life but first let me give you some background: I am a 21F who just got diagnosed with BPD. I am on Bupropion and Lamotrigine.  And, I am not doing well. 

I am in a relationship with a 23M who is an alcohol (in recovery rn as far as I know),  has a porn addiction, and is terrible at communication.  We have been together since Feb of 2018. Since then he has joined the millitary,  relapsed,  lied, and kissed another guy while drunk. I knew he had relapsed in the summer of 2019. He told me. But I trusted him to get his stuff together because he always seemed so committed. I was with him over the summer for about a month close to after he first started drinking again. He had spent the night with me and he proceeded to have sex with me without really asking.
I guess I should insert a trigger warning here: We were just kinda in bed and my back side was turned to him so he started kissing me and I just kinda went with it. Then he pulled out his dick and just fucked me. Didnt kiss my mouth, didnt look at me. He just came. And I started to tear up because I didnt really know what to say or do. So, once he was finished. I quietly got up and went to the bathroom to cry and clean myself up. I came back and he was really quiet. I was also really quiet. He asked me if I was good and I said yeah. But I kept quiet. He started to have a panic attack because he was convinced that he raped me. Then I had to snap out of whatever trance I was in to tell him he didnt. It was the worst i had ever seen him. He was shaking and crying. He didnt want to sleep in the bed we were in but he didnt have a car so he asked me to drive him back to the base where he was staying. I complied but I was sti trying to convince him there was nothing wrong. Half way there we parked and we finally got somewhere talking. We kinda made up and went back to where we were before to sleep. The next day he we were supposed to go to a party. I had a report to write so I let him take my car so he could go early and just come pick me up when I was done. At about 10pm I finished and I called him and told him I didnt want t ok go because I was tired. He said he was cool. I went to sleep. At 3am he calls me drunk and crying. I got an uber and went to pick him up. I bought him McDonalds and told him it was gonna be okay while he sobbed and sang Christmas songs. It was weird. I felt weird about it. But I just went with it because I didnt know what else to do. After that we made up and I thought everything was going to be okay. But. It was not. He relapsed several more times and I left in the fall to go back to my college which is in another state. I visited him frequently and I could never tell if he was drinking or not. Finally in december, he relapsed big time. He texted me and told me that he kissed some guy and that he got drunk. I called him immediately while I was on my way to work in the morning. He was still drinking. We fought, he said some awful things (like I was a broke bitch, who would never leave). I told him we were done, he said yeah right and I hung up. I got to work but I was so messed up I asked my boss if I could go home and she was cool with it. So I left, he shut off my phone because his name was on the bill and I drove back to campus without being able to talk to anyone. His mom called me later on facebook messenger and told me they had kicked him out. The situation was just a lot. This all happened about Dec. 3rd. Right before my finals, subsequently I did really poorly on them but i still passed so okay. I ended up talking to him again on Dec. 12 after his mom threatened him enough that he turned back on my phone. I told him to tell me everything that happened but he is not really good at explaining things so I still don't really know. I gave him some stipulations of things he would have to do to keep me around. Then I told him I didnt want to talk to him again until Jan 12. His mom had got me a plan ticket (she had also bought my boyfriend one but of course he was not going to come now)  to visit my sister a few states away so I went there for a week and spent my 21st b-day with her and christmas eve. I came back on christmas. I landed in his hometown and his mom picked me up from the airport. She asked if I wanted to come over for christmas and that she had taken him back. I said yes. I guess it was the BPD. But if felt really attached. I had painted him a little picture of us as charlie brown characters with me kissing his cheek. When we got to the house I gave it to him and we made up and immediately had sex. I dont remember it being weird. I was really happy because I felt so alone. And now here we are. March almost April 2020 and I dont feel right about anything. I feel like I dont know what I am doing wrong or what he is doing wrong. I dont know if i can trust him and i feel like he only wants me for sex most of the time because he normally doesnt reach out to talk unless it is to ask me for nudes. There are alot of other things i could talk about with this but that would be waaaaay too much and this is already so long. 

Point being, I dont know what to do. Should I keep trying to salvage this relationship because I dont know if it is BPD making me worry for no reason or if there is actually a problem? I think I love him. He can be really nice sometimes. I just dont understand him a lot. And, I am scared to leave. I dont have much contact with my family other than my older sister. I feel really alone. I dont have much friends. I dont really like most people. 

I know this is super messy, has a bunch of holes, and is  probably an over share but if you take the time to read it, I would really appreciate you weighing in. Thanks.