I find this strange and addicting fleeting feeling sometimes. It will occur when I'm really into my favorite subject. For example, it mostly happens when I see characters in fiction that I strongly wish to emulate. 

These characters, just how they look at least, and their 'tragic' back stories feel relatable and I aspire for their appearance and vibe, if you will. 

I cannot for the life of me describe this feeling but it's the most intense feeling I've ever had. it rarely comes to me but it produces such vitality, euphoria, and desire within me it's addicting and I never want to let that feeling go, yet it falls away as soon as it starts.

I feel alone and numb again. It's as if a light was shining in me and it extinguished immediately. It reminds me of what depression seems to do. I am also wondering if this is due to my other issues such as being trans, as this feeling only occurs with male characters I wish to emulate.

I know I am miserable. Every day I am passively suicidal, and this natural feeling reminds me all over again just how far from a happy life I am.

I realize just how deep down in this hole of hopelessness I am and it makes me want to die so badly... Why does this intense euphoria make me want to kill myself so badly?

I would give anything in this world for the feeling to last. I would give up a limb or better yet my own life to get back to that feeling. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I was never meant to be this happy. I wish I never knew what happiness was. I just wish the pain would end.

thanks for reading :)