I had a very good therapy and I have a plan to work on myself and work on strengthening my sense of self. Unfortunately I didn't have time to talk about my favorite person in therapy today so here I am looking for advice again #sorrynotsorry lol. I'm aware of that the very nature of a favorite person relationship isn't healthy. I want to change that with my favorite person. It's really hard though and I won't lie, I'm afraid it's not possible. It's really hard when someone is so linked to your trauma. Like she is everything I needed that I didn't get growing up. She takes care of me like I never was by my parents. Before I assigned her the role of caregiver in my subconscious mind I loved her for it. I still do. But it got twisted and warped into need. I messed up and told her I wanted more than friends. Then... She hurt me.


She had told me she just didn't want a relationship, that I was the best person for her but she really didn't want to go there because she's bad in relationships, she pushes good people away. I really fell into needing her after that. Until she met someone she wants to possibly date and blew me off for two weeks because she was afraid to tell me. It hurt like hell. All the rejection trauma from my childhood hit me like I freight train and I didn't know that's what it was. It just hurt. I stopped talking to her for two weeks it hurt so bad. Fast forward to now and we've made up. My BPD diagnosis and discovery of what a favorite person is helped me make sense of how I feel, especially now that I'm journaling about my trauma and discovering it's the same pain. 


There's a lot of work left to do on our relationship though. A lot of trust to be rebuilt. A lot of difficult questions I still have. She knows she's my favorite person and what that is but she doesn't know the why that I've explained here and I feel the need to tell her. I also know we need to talk about boundaries and concerns. She said she loves me and I say it often now but I worry I'm crossing a boundary. I want to just hug her and cuddle platonically with her and I don't know if that's ok. I need to find other comfort but I still want her to be comfort for me. I liken it to what parents are supposed to be like. You lean on them but they're not your everything, your sole source of comfort. She's said she wants to be whatever I need but we haven't talked about what all that is because I'm too afraid. Because I want to express my concerns about her not having time for me or this guy not being ok with the way our relationship is. But that involves thinking about the stuff that triggers me. About being abandoned, replaced, rejected, feeling not good enough in so many ways compared to him. It's a really dark place that I'm afraid of going into but I know if it's even possible to make her just my really close and special friend rather than my favorite person it's going to take a lot of communication, boundary setting and patience from both of us. I'm just scared of the hurt that I know I have to face to get there. I don't really know what I want from this post. Advice from someone who's been there maybe? Reassurance that I can do this? That it is possible. It's just hard. It's just really hard.