I've made a throwaway account for this and I'm hoping nobody I know reads it and recognises me in it but here goes. I've struggled with my mental health forever, but I don't think I've ever felt as hopeless as I do at the moment. I've been seeking professional help for the last 4 years, and nothing works. I've tried various medications, I've tried counselling and CBT and short bouts of DBT and hotlines and crisis lines, but I live in the UK and mental health services are so underfunded that you get offered 3-6 weeks of therapy, and that's it. I felt really hopeful when I had DBT, my therapist was amazing, but now those 6 sessions are done she charges £80 a week and I don't have the money for that. My GP referred me on for more DBT, but when I had the initial assessment I found out there was a weekly cost, and I'm a student, I can't afford therapy. I was told that they would refer me back and try and find something affordable for me, but nothing. I've called up my crisis team multiple times, and everytime I'm told by the person they'll put something in place, but everytime I hear nothing. I feel completely abandoned and let down, like there's no hope of me getting help. Everyone tells you to get help and get therapy, but I've been trying for four years and had countless referrals, and I just can't. It just isn't working out for me. I stopped taking my meds around that time, a couple of months ago now. It didn't and isn't making me feel better, but it also isn't making me feel worse, I feel equally as shitty as I did when I was on them which makes me feel like they just weren't working. I know I should and eventually I will tell my GP that I stopped, but I'm worried she's going to reprimand me for it, and I can't see anything she offers being any help anymore. I've been given hope and let down by doctors so many times. 

I'm just not interested in anything. I can never bring up the energy to go and see friends, which means all of them have kind of drifted from me, and now when I see them I just remember I am not close with anyone anymore and feel like shit. I have no personality anymore, I have become so boring because I have nothing to talk about because I don't do anything. I have no hobbies, no interests. And I've tried. I really have tried. I've tried reading books across so many genres to find something that interests me, I've tried playing videogames, but I can't focus or enjoy them, I've tried watching films and TV shows but I always stop them within 30 minutes because I can't get engaged and enjoy them, I'm just disinterested and in my own head. I used to like listening to music, but I hate all the music I used to listen to, and I can't get into any new music I find, I can't explain why it just makes me feel uncomfortable and weird and I just have to turn it off. I used to enjoy music journalism and writing about gigs I went to and new albums that came out and new bands I'd found, but I quit that because everything feels like a chore and disinteresting and I just don't enjoy anything. I've tried cooking, hosting a radio show, pottery, and I just can't find a single thing that makes me happy and that I enjoy doing. I used to like playing instruments, and I used to be good at it, and now every time I pick up an instrument I have a massive fucking breakdown about how I'm not good at anything anymore. I've tried picking up new things and developing new interests, and it's so fucking stupid but I can't deal with sucking at things (which is dumb because I know it's not about being good at something and I know you have to suck to get better at something) but I end up doing something stupid out of self hatred from being shit like trying to hurt myself and ending up calling a crisis line or something. It's so dumb, I know. I used to be smart, I do a hard degree at a top university, but now I suck because I just don't care about anything because I don't enjoy anything and my grades are lousy. I hate my degree, and I am about to graduate, and I have no idea what to do with my life because I don't enjoy anything to be inspired or passionate about anything to have a dream career or whatever. I can't think of a single thing I've learnt throughout my degree that has interested me and made me want to learn more about it. The fact I've become stupid after at least having that going for me makes me feel even shittier. I feel I could be and do so much more if I didn't have this stupid sadness eating me up all the time. 

I'm becoming so dependent and anxiously attached to my partner because of this, I think, to the point I feel like I'm becoming unhealthily overbearing. I have to hold back tears when we spend time together because I just feel sad that I'm boring and stupid and have no personality or interests that he's going to leave me, and I can't stop worrying over it, which is stupid I know, and nothing he has ever done has indicated that to me. My last therapist told me I had a fear of abandonment, and traced most uhh emotional turmoil (for lack of a better phrase) back to that, but I don't know how to heal that without therapy and then we're back to stage one again. When we are apart, I just lie there feeling anxious and sad that he's going to leave me too. I hate being needy like this and being someone who only thinks and worries about their partner, it doesn't feel like me, but I can't distract myself from it. Everything I read says that I need to develop my own interests, but I just can't, I'm trying but I just can't do it. It's just not working for me. Maybe it's harder because I'm putting the stakes of our relationship on me getting a hobby, and so I can't invest in it. 

I don't even feel human anymore, I don't feel like a person or like me, I just absolutely hate myself and can barely see a future. I want to become someone who enjoys something, just one thing, but I just don't. I just don't have any hope or know where to even begin getting better, when I feel I've done everything people tell you to do and it just hasn't worked.