My title makes this seem simple. First off, I don't know if this is a BPD related thing or not, I have BPD, so I can only assume that perhaps due to the problems I have with emotions and how to express them being, shall we say, stunted, I would think it pertains.

You can perhaps call me high functioning at this point. I've made some great progress, have a ton less freak outs and so forth. However, I've also gone perhaps too far to one side by always expecting to be disappointed. It's a lot easier to not react poorly if your expectations are always less than zero. I haven't figured out entirely how bad always expecting to be disappointed is for me, but it minimizes lots of poor behaviors.

Anyway, that's not really here nor there entirely, what's important is the question of how do I tell people I'm hurt or upset. I often vent to other people, I have no problem telling someone else how my feelings were hurt by another individual. I can sit there and say exactly what's on my mind, they said this, they did that. However, I can't say it to the person that made me feel hurt. I think some of it is over thinking the outcome, or as they say in DBT/CBT (which I can't recall) mind reading or fortune telling, or generally falling into thinking traps. I feel like they're reaction to my being honest will not be received well. I can obviously point to the fact that my emotions were not validated growing up. So, perhaps in adult interactions, I expect my emotions to be invalidated here.

I fear it. I think that they'll make me feel bad for even being hurt in the first place. I expect it. I've come to think in some ways, I'm not allowed to feel hurt and I'm the bad person for having felt that way in the first place. Part of it's presentation. You want to have all your ducks in a row, you want example. It seems like I can remember all those examples when I'm not face to face, but then it vanishes. I say, I didn't like that you did that! In return, they might ask, when did I do that? Then, I stand there stuttering, uh, uh, uh. I've even gotten into these situations before and 3 hours later, like when one comes up with a witty remark, I come up with the necessary ammunition.

It's not just that, but people all react differently, some people get defensive, some go on the attack, some turn it back on you, some people use various forms of manipulation that I might not be immediately aware of. They often malign you because they feel they're perhaps being attacked.

I never get anywhere. I'm always the bad guy and I often end up apologizing. Then, as a result, my anxiety and depression increases because I never had my feelings validated. Then, often it gets compounded, until finally I'm pulling from a 6 month old grocery list of infractions and the individual asks, "Where is all this coming from?" Again, I feel like the asshole, I just dumped 6 months of shit that upset me on you because we never dealt with any of it when it arose.

It's worse with people I've known longer, because they expect it's coming from a place of Borderline bullshit. They have expectations of me catastrophizing or manipulating (usually unconsciously). I've actually had people that when I try to say how upset I am, they go, "Oh, you were doing so well." As if I can't express how I feel without them thinking I've fallen back on poor behavior. I don't want to 100% blame them either, I was a pain in the ass with that pre-therapy behavior. However, I'm not that person, or I'm trying not to be, but they perhaps without realizing it, continue to invalidate me.

I know I've perhaps gotten ranty, and yes, I'm upset, but I don't know how to approach people at all with how I feel anymore.

Any advice, please? Can anyone relate? If you can, what did you do? Is there something that helped?