Today I feel extra extra numb. Like a feeling of numb I have never felt. I can’t just tell my parents because my dad will say “what are you _____ (insert stressed or depressed) about. ” I’m currently listening to the song that I listen to when I’m low (Breaking Down - I Prevail). It’s weird. Yesterday I went from slap happy/happier than normal to depressed. I haven’t played video games (which I normally do everyday for hours ) for more than 20 minutes in two weeks. I’m at a dead end and I think I’m having suicidal thoughts again. I’m starting to have those intrusive thoughts again to hurt myself. I remember when this happened for the first time, I wanted to die and to hurt myself a lot. That was two years ago (almost). This time I’m not even in a school sport that is making me mentally fucked up. This time it’s the shitshow of 2020. Currently I’m smiling for no reason. I’m not happy and I am smiling about writing about the worst year of the 2010’s aka the 2018-19 school year (August 2018-June 2019). I’ve been going through these mood swings (I’m not experiencing PMS, I don’t get moody) of being happy and then plunging into this depressing state of mind. Currently I wish I lived alone (I’m a minor) and that I was an adult so I could be in complete darkness. When I need total 100% darkness, I go into my bathroom but not for too long (for like 5 min). My room is 75% darkness because I have a privacy pop in the color black so it’s the darkest. My blinds are shut and my door is closed the most I can. All I want to do is be 100% alone. Without anyone. I have talked to one friend in the past few months. June 16th was the last time I texted one of my other friends just to say happy birthday. That’s it so I don’t count it. June 13th was the last time a friend (not my bff) actually responded. It fucking sucks to be an only child. I’m alone a lot and with parents over 48 (my mom is almost 50,her birthday is in January and my dad turns 60 two weeks from now). It’s just like the song Low by I Prevail. “Even when I’m high I still feel low”

I’m doing a bit better only because my eyes feel slightly less puffy. Now I’m lowkey on edge because there is a fire truck next to my house and idk what’s happening.