It seems lately it's all I can ever do.  
I wake up and think about how much easily I'd be able to get out of bed gave me just the slightest amount of care as a child. I think about the knife I use to make my breakfast, how normal people see it as a knife, but my intrusive thoughts hell at me to either stab myself, stab my dog, stab my boyfriend. I think about how while I'm at work I could be content but instead I dread every person I interact with people I NEED to be perfect, I need to please them, I need to get validation from a random person. I think about all the stupid fights I have with my boyfriend that could of been prevented had I just had a normal mindset, had I been able to understand feelings, but as soon as a small problem arises my fight or flight instincts kick in and I just jump straight to "you deserve better, I'm sorry we should break up." I wish I could fucking communicate, but the feelings are so overwhelming.   


I'm so self aware of how ill I am that it ruins my everyday life, "oh if I was normal x wouldn't bother me."

"Oh if I was normal I wouldn't of noticed my boyfriend used a strange word he hasn't used in a while, maybe he's cheating on me with a girl who uses it because people pick up on patterns when they hang out with new people?"  


"My bestfriends voice dropped a tiny little bit, they hate me, they're upset with something I did. I should leave."  


My. Fucking. God. It's exhausting.  
I feel like I'm going to spend my whole life just full of hatred towards my "parents" because they couldn't take any time out of their life to raise a child correctly. Everything I have is because of them, and it's so unfair. The biggest problem is you could show them everything they've ever done wrong to you and they'll make it about them, they'll be the victim.   


I never got to be a child and I think about that so much. I think about how some kids are born with defects, some kids get cancer early on, some kids die at a young age. Unpreventable stuff. Mind could of been prevented and that's why I seethe with hatred over it all day, I didn't have to be this way, this wasn't inevitable, but my parents decided it was.