I've never exactly had shit normal, alot of people see me as this happy guy, always up for adventures and insuring others are happy. I'm far from alone yet I have this bottomless empty pit in my soul. I reached my limit years ago with how much that has happened to me, abused by those who were supposed to educate and protect me as a child, bullied for being on the spectrum, even though I'm a male I'm constantly used for my looks and reminded I'm nothing more than an object to those who want me in bed. 

Sex has no meaning anymore and the only time I thought I found something real it was a long plan to make sure she could break me as bad as she could just for her personal enjoyment, I gave up every passion I've ever had for others and have just felt numb for months only being able to express myself when extremely intoxicated.

 I can't even convince myself to want to continue any of this when life has been nothing but miserable, I've ran out of medications to try, people to talk to and even got myself locked up to prevent myself from doing anything stupid, I'm aware many others have been through worse and manage it but I've got nothing left, I can't cry, get angry, laugh, I have to fake it all. 

All I ever wanted was to find that significant other but it's impossible when you're this broken, I shouldn't feel this empty when I don't have to worry about a bed, food. Even more so when I'm the eldest of 5, I'm basically my mams councilor and if I do kill myself it would destroy them all. 

It's the only thing keeping me going but it's gotten to the stage where I don't even care if it sounds special, I thought having a significant other, someone who loves you only that way would stop all that pain from the past but it didn't, she put me through hell and made me feel so small and worthless.

At this point I just want to know what really helps, I have money, I have very little to complain about anymore, but my past haunts me, that woman haunts me, I wish I could repress this like I did to so much, there's stories I'm still told I'm incapable of remembering including one that was even in a newspaper