Before....it was alright, I was much more depressed because I was fighting it, I wanted so badly to win over the depression so that I could hopefully do something, anything with my life. Now its like a heartbeat going silent, I lock up when I try to find a job or go back to college, the anxiety, depression, and now myself fight myself on doing that stuff which has made me drop out and guve severe concern to my parents as I've grown increasingly suicidal over the past few weeks. I dont want to fight myself anymore, thats the issue, I feel at 19 ive seen all I need to see from this foul world, I dont have friends, havnt for 6 years and dont plan on making anymore, friends are not good for my mental health anyways. Girlfriends is just a ego boost at this point as I made a promise to myself when I was younger that if end my bloodline cause while its good blood, my dad and brother are wicked intelligent and very perceptual, one having a masters, two bachelor's, and almost a doctorate but wanted to fly helicopters instead and the other 4.0 since 1st grade going on 9th, ive done nothing. My academic career is fucked, shitty grades in highschool, shitty grades in college, lack of motivation in both. I dont have a job and strongly dont want one, even if it means I die cold under a bridge, im fine cause I want to die anyways. Ill never accomplish much other then a successful conversation with a fucking person cause im so anxiety riddled that its crippling to make phone calls. I have nothing to contribute to this society and it has nothing to contribute to me so with the 3k I have saved, ill map out a suicide plan and go from there. Nobody cares, everybody else is happy and that's good, being like me is agonizing, absolutely mind numbing to the point of memory loss. I have no intention of growing old, I have no goals to reach, I hate this planet, I hate the people, and I hate myself. Life is great if you completely avoid the bad, keep yourself distracted, surrounded with friends, family, etc, get a job that makes you work hard or even workout like I do, But that doesnt make life a fucking blessing. Life by itself is like a doorway that you can't see past, opening up into darkness with blood everywhere as its a perpetual cycle of death and decay, "life" being our experience with said decay. I despise those who say otherwise cause they are lying, "it gets better" aging doesn't get better man. Growing old gets progressively worse until you literally die, and along the way your chances of dying are increasing. People are not naturally evil but we are the only creatures so far that have spent decades developing and perfecting weapons designed to kill other humans! Nukes, guns, swords, etc, if humans are all great why the hell do we have those? And why do people keep popping up that are school shooters, kill themselves, terrorists, etc. If we are the "greatest" race, why do we struggle covid, masks, economy, money, death, soo much struggle and people have the audacity to dismiss is. I agree, shoving all that under the rug is way better and everyone should do it but to say you don't lie and then do it is another thing. Whatever man, I so tired of thinking, its more of frantic stabs in the dark than anything these days, screaming and crying inside my own mind as it turns against me. Im just not interested anymore, I dont want others to help me, I dont want anyone to stop me, let me experience death.