My best friend of many years is my favorite person and I can’t imagine life without her. She’s my college roommate too and we do everything together. This is a new realization for me as she’s just starting to date someone; she’s 18 (I’m 19) and has never been in an official relationship but I encouraged us both to join Tinder and that’s how she met him. I’m starting to connect all the pieces and realize she’s my FP because I feel absolutely so territorial over her, I’m jealous and overprotective, but since I think I have quiet borderline I hold all of that in. The past couple of days I drove us there to see him because he lives 2 hours away, and I wanted to be the best friend I could be because I know how it feels to want to see someone a lot. We stayed overnight Friday night and Saturday night and I was able to get drunk both times so I did. The first night it was more of a happy drunk, I kept telling my friends I loved and appreciated them and laughed a lot. Second night not so much, I completely broke and started telling them all my problems, which I usually hold in. Through this I told my best friend that I’ve started cutting again after not doing so for years (I’ve always kept it hidden from everyone) and told her that literally the only things stopping me from killing myself are her and my mom. It would just break me to know that it would hurt them. Afterwards when that whole scene was over and layed down for sleep she obviously went with him in his room to sleep. It hurt so much that night especially. She is the most hypersexual person I know (yet a virgin), especially for a woman, and he’s obviously a younger guy so they definitely did stuff which I always ask about the next morning. I ask her because our friend group (two other girls along with us) have always communicated our sexual journeys but also I feel like I have to know. If I didn’t know I don’t know what I would do, because I guess maybe that would mean she trusts him more than me? Not only that but thinking of them together turns me on, which is especially weird because my antidepressants have basically killed my libido. Now we’re both in our separate homes with our families for break and I won’t see her until a week from now likely and I feel empty. Thinking back every time she would be gone from the dorm for the weekend I also felt this and was so depressed those days. When I was in my drunken fit I think I told her how I couldn’t live without her and although I think that’s so true, that’s also so much pressure for someone to know. I don’t want her to think that she has to treat me like I’m fragile because she practically holds my life in her hands. More than anything I just want her to be happy, even if that meant living with her boyfriend instead of me. I haven’t been in too many romantic relationships but the ones I have been in I’ve never felt this jealousy before. Because we’re so close almost EVERYONE thought we were dating in high school though (I came out as a lesbian around my junior year). But whenever someone references us dating she gets slightly upset but I find it funny. And then we both agree how we would never date each other, which is good because it would just be weird. But am I in love with her? Like romantically or something? Is that what all of this is or is she literally just my favorite person and as someone with no coping skills for BPD just losing my mind? I just get so upset thinking about her with her boyfriend, and it’s not anger at all, just complete sadness. I feel so worthless when she’s with him because they’re both giving and receiving so much attention and I’m just there, left to hold all my sadness and jealously inside. I don’t know what the point of this was or if anyone would even read it but I think it did help me state all my feelings down and now I can just try to understand them better. But if any of you have literally anything to say at all I would appreciate it soo much because I feel like I can’t talk about any of this to anyone. Especially not my best friend.