Diagnosed with GAD, depression, and ADHD. I don’t know what causes this. I don’t know why I do this. **I don’t know if it’s my anxiety**, ADHD, or something else I haven’t been diagnosed with yet. All I know is I literally can’t stand it anymore.

I can’t find anything about this online, and I feel even more insane for it.

I’m *obsessed* with color matching everything perfectly. My hair. Clothing. Decor. It’s **not** a fun habit, or an enjoyable hobby- it causes me severe anxiety, makes it so that I can’t focus on anything else, and I’ll stare at my drawers for over an hour at a time dissecting tiny colors in all of my *literal pajamas that nobody sees me in* trying to find the perfect color match. Not for anyone else- just to appease my obsessed, awful brain.

That white stripe on my black PJ shorts? It’s *pure* white, and my tank top is *off*-white. I can’t wear them together- even though you cannot see a difference at ALL unless you look extremely closely. But I *know*, therefore I can’t wear it. Black and off-black? I panic. Light blue hair with dark blue jeans? Nope. Rose gold hair with a pink shirt? No. *A completely black outfit that is somehow less black than my literal black nail polish?* I’ll have a breakdown. There’s one *speck* of a gold gem on my pants but my earrings are silver? No. Way.

I just spent an hour and 45 minutes staring at my dresser, trying on every single pair of black PJ shorts and white tank tops that I own. None of the white stripes or drawstrings on my shorts matched the exact shade of white in my tank top. But I couldn’t wear my *plain* black shorts, because those are a silky texture, and my tank top is cotton. But I can’t wear my *blue* shorts, because my nails are black, and I need some part of my clothing to match my nails. I can’t wear my black tank top because it’s looser than my shorts, and that feeling drives me insane- not to mention, it’s a *barely discernible to the human eye* ever so slightly different shade of black than my shorts.

My new throw blanket for my couch arrived today. It looked white online. It’s silver. But not a gray silver- a very pale blue silver. I can’t even use my new blanket- why? Because my couch is a mid tone/sort of warm toned gray and “it clashes”. What the fuck?

Am I fucking kidding me?

I’m. Losing. It. I don’t want to give a single crap about ANY of this. I could care LESS what other people wear or own or have in terms of colors. But here I am, shaking, trying to watch TV before bed- and all I can think about is how the white string in my shorts is a hint darker than my white tank top.

I have my monthly psychiatrist appointment coming up in 2 weeks, and I’m bringing this up again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Everything just always needs to be done in a *specific* way, with *specific* colors, in a *specific* routine or I can’t calm down. 

I genuinely can’t take it anymore. Please, if you or someone you know has ever dealt with this insane color/texture matching **obsession**, please (seriously, *a million times please*) let me know…because I feel utterly alone in this, can’t find anyone else who struggles with this, and can’t figure out how to make it stop or what to even *call* this so I can research how to work on it. I need to make sense of this, somehow. :l