I really have no other place to talk to and I need to get this out of my chest. I'm tired of living, everything is just so god damn hard. I feel alone, then push everyone away and feel even more alone. I just wanna live a normal life, why can't I have that. It's so heartbreaking to watch my friends and sisters having their life together, getting married and having kids while I can't even trust a single soul on this planet, not even myself. I've pushed the thoughts of falling in love away and just said I'm not a romantic person or I do not like to cuddle or at least that's what I tried to make myself believe. I've had dreams for last couple nights of just someone hugging me and today I realized that i've just fooled myself, I do miss being loved. And it breaks my heart in million pieces cause I dont wanna date anyone anymore, I'm a terrible person to love. I make everything so hard and no matter how you try I'll still have these huge abandonment issues and in the end I've hurted both of us. I can't even believe someone would fall in love with me. I just feel like I'm all alone in this world and that's how it's meant to be, i'm a monster.

//Sorry for my english, it's not my first language.