As usual, I'm writing here because I'm trying not to bug my boyfriend with this stuff any more than I already have. We're trying to get a new apartment and just got approved for it. That should be a great thing, right? But I think the stress of that process is really getting to me. I can't just be happy about it. I'm freaking out right now over whether we should sign the lease because all I can imagine is that they're going to cheat us somehow, there will be an unexpected fee, the apartment will have a gas leak in it, something will go horribly wrong.

I've also been frantically cleaning the house a lot lately and noticing old OCD habits creeping back into my mindset. I can't seem to feel clean or safe and so I try to influence the behavior of the people around me to make myself feel safer - "sorry, but could you just wash this dish a second time?" "Please don't put that there." "Let's go over the apartment lease together just one more time." "Please don't touch me." "Please stop looking at me, I feel gross right now." It's putting a strain on my relationship and it isn't based in reality at all.

I'm seriously worried that I'm going to end up in a psychotic episode of some kind. I've had so many diagnoses - OCD, PTSD, phobias, anxiety, depression, limerence... I really don't want to add another one to the list. I have a family member who has paranoid delusions and although I love her and mean no disrespect, it makes her pretty much impossible to talk to or connect with because she just can't see reality. She'll lie and try to change people's behavior to protect herself because she sees everything and everyone in such a negative light. I don't want to become that kind of person.