So when I (24f) realized I had bpd and self diagnosed I was like whew no hallucinations or paranoia at least. Boy was I fucking lying to myself. Lately I’ve realized that I’m always fucking paranoid. My mind is dark as shit. But I’ve been ignoring those realizations until today when I was paranoid about a lot of absurd things. But also my paranoia has saved me from a lot of situations and was absolutely right in a lot of situations as well. 

So today when I realized fuck I might be a bit too paranoid I also realized I’ve always always been this way. Always thinking someone is watching me and my every move and then I remembered this incident when I was maybe 17ish when my mom hid in me and my sisters walk in closet before we came to bed and stayed there for hourssssss like fucking hours people I was up watching shows on my Mac and my sister reading books. When she finally walked out we were surprised as fuck to say the least and she just smiles and giggles and we’re like what’re you dooooing????? And she how’s oh I just wanted to scare you guys... I’ve never felt any sense of privacy growing up and was always constantly monitored for no fucking reason. When my mom would leave the house she’d tell my brother to watch me and my sister and basically us them. She divided and manipulated all of us and we basically grew up not liking each other. I was the most separated from them. Anyways yea, no wonder to this day I still feel like I’m being watched even when I’m alone in my own house. Like fucking shit guys till this day I can’t watch porn w/o having my back against the wall to make sure no one comes up from behind me

Anyways just wanted to rant.