I’d like to start of by saying I’ve never officially been diagnosed with BPD (or anything) but I have long suspected I have bpd and often relate and find a lot of support in this sub.

Today was my first therapy session. I was super nervous about going and as I was there I wasn’t able to ever really calm down. As I was doing the paperwork my hand was shaking so much I wasn’t able to write well. As we talked my whole body went stiff and certain parts of my body would shake at time. I wasn’t even really able to properly convey things to her. I felt like she kept taking things in a different direction than what I really meant to say but I couldn’t find it in me to correct her. I also find myself more concerned about what she thinks about me than trying to accurately explain to her my issues. I already feel like she doesn’t like me. I understand she has other clients that she talks to all the time, this is just her job and realistically she probably doesn’t even care enough to dislike me but still. I was so uncomfortable the whole time. I cried my whole drive home. I was so upset with myself for letting anxiety even get in the way of therapy. 

I really don’t want to go back. I know I should give it another shot and not base so much off of one session but I don’t know if I  can bring myself to. With the way I operate I’m not sure if therapy will be helpful for me. I’m just tired of working so hard just go be normal for a life I don’t even enjoy