I'm sure that more often than not, anxiety is driven by our conscious circumstances as much as it is stemming from our unconscious misunderstandings or traumas. It's bad enough that you suffered through your innocence, but after you add toxic working environments, low minimum wage and other "grown-up" problems to that, you have yourself a holiday in a panic disorder vacation spot. 

That brings me to my current state, born in a poor east-european country with seemingly "universal" healthcare afforded by the state through taxes paid, but that enforces a system of personal physician referrals to other doctor practices (ob-gyn, cardiology, etc.) But you also have to wait months to get an appointment with a reduced payment!

Besides that, I live in a city 700km away from city my ID is registered in and I don't even know my personal physician anymore because the person was changed a couple of years after I visited her doctor's office. She was requesting bribes even for a PE certificate that attests your ability to play sports. And most of my encounters with the state doctors were mostly the same, not really invested in their job and misdiagnosing my affections (one private physician told me I had to get an appendectomy when I explicitly told her my pain was around my ovaries.)

With the current situation, it's not safe or sane to travel 700km for a doctor appointment. I wouldn't even consider going, it's a ludicrous idea. But regardless of that, I had paid my taxes diligently for the past 3 years. It's stupid to think this but my chances are at best to only suffer from poverty and illness even though I had tried my best ever since I got out of college. It's really hard not to be anxious when you feel hopeless already, but when health matters are pressing, it's even harder to keep track of your sanity. 

So here I am, 3 months late on my rent, a year-long mastitis, high fevers and pocket change. Maybe I'm ridiculous and it shouldn't be an inconvenience, or maybe it's Maybelline. I don't know, I could never afford it (*facetiousness to hide away the feels*.)

Give some good vibes please, I am going through a lot and feeling like breaking down. 

(Sorry if something's misunderstood, I am not really a fluent English speaker but I try my best :) 

Lots of love to you all !