I (18F) have struggled with depression since I was first diagnosed at 8 years old. I’ve been on medication on and off for years. Waking up everyday feels like an excruciating chore, I have heavy guilt for the pain I’ve caused those around me, those that I love as a result of my mood swings and other mental issues. I think the heaviest two pains I’ll take with me is the pain I’ll leave my mother in. She’s the strongest most beautiful soul I know, and she’s been through so much already and I’ve hold off as long as I could for her. But waking up is too much. Living in this loop is too much, I know I’m nothing but stress and burden on my family that I don’t fit in with, maybe I’m that sick in the head but I feel as I’m doing them the biggest favor. And the second biggest pain is my dear love. He also struggles with depression and we have our fair share of complicated past that we’ve been working through but again living has gotten to be too much. He’s such a beautiful person, the only one I’ve seen a future with, wanted kids and a family with. If I could turn back time and scold both of our younger selves to get their shit together, I would in a heartbeat. I’d go into therapy sooner and stay no matter how much I thought it wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe, maybe then things would be much more different, we wouldn’t have hurt each other, I wouldn’t have hurt him. He’s been one of the brightest lights in my life. He’s helped me in so many ways that he isn’t even aware of. I can still remember the first time I ever saw him. The first time we made eye contact, talked, say with each other in class, held hands, our first confession, our first kiss. I ran away like an idiot because I was so nervous. We always got kicked out of class together for talking. Spent time together in the school library. How I wish it was those simpler times. We’ve graduated about two years ago now. we’re more grown, more than we’d like because of the trials life’s put us through but we’ve made it this far, he’s made it this far. I’m so proud of him. God I’m honestly so scared. I’ve just finished writing my letters to those around me. His was the most heartbreaking to write, I always find myself thinking, “ how is it possible to love someone this much?” when it comes to him. Im so thankful to have met him. Im going to miss him so much.