I’ve been reading a lot here- and other BPD threads. I joined Reddit a few days ago because I decided I wanted to stop lurking and actually ask questions. But I haven’t really be able to. I’m scared and exhausted. I see a lot of kindness and patience here, but I feel fragile, and sometimes placing your vulnerable self where the Internet can get it is a bad idea.

I’m 33. Better than I used to be, with symptoms. It’s true that age can help bring some stability; where I used to have daily meltdowns, it’s now more monthly, triggered by a stressful event maybe. I still have mood swings and reactions, but I’m able to internalize them better, hold back before acting. I’ve had a good job for the past 2.5 years, and my colleagues all think I do really well. If you’re in your twenties and worrying that it will never get better, we’ll- in some ways, it really can.

What I have been struggling with most lately is regret. I’m well enough to be mostly in control in average situations, which means I can look back and cringe and cry with much better understanding at how much I’ve really, really hurt people. How I’ve hurt myself, by missing opportunities to connect and save precious relationships. At how my priorities for academic and professional success put me where I am today, but at the cost of what I didn’t really understand was important- spending time with people I cared about. Now it’s too late.

My partner has, over the past year, become a lot less supportive and understanding. It’s hard when I know how much progress I’ve made to hear the same accusations- I’m the one ruining everything. This is all my fault. I try to explain to him the way he talks or treats me can trigger me sometimes, but then when I do break down, it’s evidence about why it was all my fault in the first place. It is baffling to me because I’ve never tried so hard in any relationship- I’ve never been as strong as this (which is to say average- but I am much more self-sufficient than I used to be). I don’t understand why I feel improved in other parts of my life but with this central person, for whom I want to do my best, I seem to just be constant failure on an ever-changing playing field.

I don’t know if getting a confirmed diagnosis from this specialist will bring clarity, or more burden. I don’t know if I’m asking anything by confessing all this. I’d like to get past how I’ve been, and tell myself that I can try to live my life better from now on, but the enormity of what I’ve lost (and am continuing to lose- I will have to push away my favorite person and his whole family), combined with the lack of understanding from my partner, well. It makes it hard to have any kind of optimism. I suppose there’s a lot I don’t know and am absolutely terrified of.