Does anybody else feel constant insecurity about their FP finding other women attractive? No bashing please! 

I know that this kind of thinking is toxic however I get extremely panicky whenever my FP even leaves his house because I'm afraid of him seeing any woman he may find attractive. Rationally, I KNOW what kind of person he is and that he conducts himself in an appropriate manner. Even though I KNOW this, I still cannot help but become extremely insecure and fearful about it. 

Often him leaving the house without me results in me spiralling out of control and starting an arguement with him. Please understand that the arguments arent about him leaving the house as I do not want to control him. The arguements are about me communicating my insecurities and then being dragged down in a whirlwind of emotion and fear, while desperately trying to communicate to him how much pain I'm in. Its almost as if I unconsciously am trying to hurt him and stress him out to try and get him to understand how much pain and distress I am in. After repetitive and constant reassurance from him, my emotions usually subside however....god forbid I sense that he has become irritated with me. If I see that he is becoming annoyed, it just escalates the intensity of my emotions. I feel powerless over this. 

Once my emotions have calmed down, I am left with feelings of extreme shame. The shame is centred around my behaviour and the knowing that he did not deserve to be judged so harshly, as I know that I was being irrational. This comedown of emotion also triggers my fear of abandonment because I fear he will leave me and doesnt want me anymore because of how I behaved. Sometimes this fear and shame will even cause me to dissociate, especially when he is communicating how much my behaviour hurt him. If I'm not disocciating, I will always apologise profusely (and i mean it with all my heart) and communicate these fears and it takes plenty of reassurance from his end that he wont leave and still wants me. 

I often feel so god damn powerless over these emotional rollercoasters. Every single morning I wakeup and promise myself I'll try harder, be better, have more control. Some days i do. But most days I fail miserably. Last week during an "episide" of insecurity, I cut myself. I just dont know how to take back my power from BPD and be happy. I hate having BPD. I wish I was normal. I wish I didnt push my FP away. I long to be functional. 

I feel so defeated and suicidal because I am 30 years old and STILL battle with BPD episodes often. I started DBT with my therapist 2 weeks ago because I'm at my wits end. I want to live a life where I can be happy and not in constant emotional turmoil. Im sick and tired of being a burden to everyone in my life. 

I wrote this down because I needed to. Please dont judge me because of my behaviour. I am actively doing something to change it. I just felt like I needed to "get it out" and want to know if theres anyone else with BPD who goes through this with their FP too?...