I was on and off with him in a very unhealthy relationship for 4 years between the ages of 18 to 22 and he was my first love. I never broke up with him, he'd leave and come back a lot and I was always on edge. I got diagnosed with BPD when I was 19 and began going in and out of different therapies which was hard for me. There was also a lot of drug use in the relationship, mostly weed but also acid and ecstasy and twice on acid we fought which was really difficult for me to handle. There was also physical abuse and cheating..so all the awful stuff. Eventually in 2015 he broke up with me saying he just wanted a break but he wanted me back after because I was 'perfect in every way'. Two weeks later I saw him out with a girl..we got into a confrontation and he allowed her to shout at me. She verbally harassed me a few times afterwards while he stood back. They're still together and I've moved on but...

For the past year I've been getting recurring nightmares and night terrors which involve her screaming at me and him letting it happen. Its been so long since the events that I thought I would have processed it all by now but every night nearly I wake up in sweats from it. Its really effected my sleeping. Whenever I hear her name which is a very common one, I feel my body go cold and I'm stuck in a cold, horrible feeling for some minutes no matter where I am. I get triggered every time a person mentions her and my ex to me even if its to say something negative about them or general. This happened when my current boyfriend mentioned he saw my ex and 'that girl he's with' on the street. I went so cold it was like I was drained of all happiness. Whenever I'm worried about something like college, my brain goes to think of her and my ex. I feel like the trauma of the events has scarred me more than just losing my boyfriend or relationship. I just want to get out of it but I get horrible flashbacks whenever I hear a girl who sounds like her or looks like her. Ive never felt this before ...thoughts? I'm currently in a public toilet trying to o catch my breath because I saw a girl who looks like her..its insane