I don't know what I'm going to write in this post so I'll just add a **trigger warning** for y'all..

The thing is.. I feel like me and my friends are getting distanced towards the end of the year.. I tried talking to some IT friends few weeks back and it was.. well no response.. me and my group are getting distanced.. fought with someone few days back and I hated it.. am I crazy for getting so attached to them? I don't know how it will be like when my time at college gets over and I'm assuming everyone will just abandon me.. like everytime.. god it makes me feel so fucking alone..

And the things since last year November.. it hasn't improved at all.. all I'm just doing is occupying my time with all sorts of shit so I don't get any moment to be by myself and tire myself in the process so that I fucking sleep and not have nightmares.. 

How did this get so bad..? Why is whatever I'm trying to improve.. not working..? Am I destined to kill myself and not live a good life? Was my whole existence meant to be so fucking painful? 

I got very very close to committing suicide last year.. I don't know what's so absolutely wrong with me that I'm feeling this way.. nothing makes me happy anymore.. not my projects.. not games or shows or movies.. nothing anymore.. I can't just sit and watch or play anything without thinking why isn't my life like this..