I’ve handled this situation so poorly and I look crazy and unstable to my friend, if she still wants to be. I developed feelings for my friend of almost five years and it's gone downhill so fast. I do have mental health struggles I don't disclose to her because it never affected our friendship before until now, and I feel crazy, and she probably sees me as crazy now. I told them I had feelings for them and they weren't reciprocated, so we tried to get past it, but I couldn't, and I keep making everything worse. It’s been pretty hard on me with all these emotions and I don’t know how to explain it, it just makes me feel pathetic. We have a trip planned for this June so that I can visit her, but Sunday, I told her I didn't know if I should go if I still felt this way. She told me about being disappointed and then implied that I didn't want to go out there since she had just started dating a new guy and that I was jealous. I told her this was not the case, and I'd been thinking about this for a while, which just seemed to make everything worse, with her saying I’m on thin ice waiting thing long to tell her, which I understand. 

Today I tried to tell her I didn't want to go on the trip, but I was still going back and forth on it, not a 100% on what I wanted, and that's when It went downhill real fast. This happened over text since she was still pissed at me after what happened Sunday, and I started to walk back what I had said about the trip, which made it more confusing. I just kept telling her I wanted to go, but I don't know if I should and that I think we need a break to reset. They didn't understand any of it and at one point I tried to call her so we can communicate better on it, but they didn’t pick up. I tried to find a solution and told her maybe we should take a couple of weeks break now before the trip to sort shit out and then after it, if I'm still not ok then longer one would be better. They said no and told me to take my break and get back to her when I decide what I want to do. 

I texted her a couple of hours later that I was going, but I just needed a week or two to myself just to reset and asked her what she thought. They didn't respond, and now I feel like shit and crazy. I don't know what to do now. She probably thinks I'm crazy and not stable after all this that's happened not just today but other times after I told her my feelings. I ruined everything and just want to fix it.