I literally can't take it anymore. My mind never shuts up! I hate having these obsessive thoughts. I've been diagnosed with BPD for some time now, and I'm pretty self-aware of my triggers and my self-sabotage. This is hard because even if I do understand and recognize them I can't stop myself. This is particularly challenging for my line of work, ironically enough I'm studying a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. So I study how to help people with a living, but can't seem to cope with myself most times. 

Here are some examples ( i really don't know why I'm writing this maybe to see if anyone else goes through this, or let someone know they are not alone IDK)

\- My depression fluctuates way too much, and very intensely. People usually like being around me because I'm so " Happy " all the time but when I get home I'm drained of  playing my part all-day

\- I recently decided to cut one of my best friends out of my life, I mean I completely blocked him on all my social, and his phone number without even discussing it with him. I just woke up and decided to do that. I mean I do have a good reason I just didn't discuss it with him. ( he was two-timing his girlfriend with me and i felt bad for her so I decided to exit the equation ) \* Plot twist my Best Friend works with me at school so I have to see him tomorrow and possibly explain my rant\*

\- My impulsivity gets me into sticky situations/nothing too serious but I would like to avoid the drama 

\-My fear of abandonment is the real show stopper. I started to get feeling for my best friend, so I would go along with his crazy games because I didn't want to lose him. As toxic as it was I would just go along with it. I knew he was cheating on his girlfriend. I know he didn't want to be with me. But he was my best friend and I wanted to be there for him anything he needed emotionally, sexually. Literally anything ( i know its pathetic, believe me, I've been hard enough on myself for that )

\- So now I have decided to just go to class, do my work and go back home. I'm afraid my emotions will get in the way of finishing my degree. So I don't want any new friends or partner I just want to be alone.  I don't want to cause drama or hurt anyone so ill just stay home ( which will probably be horrible for my depression but here we go again )

&amp;#x200B;

Does anyone else just want to switch their brains OFF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!