The chronic emptiness is the primary feeling in my life, the feeling of having no purpose and nothing is able to fill that void. i find myself overly dependent on my relationship, when not together i can’t cope alone. it’s the only thing i feel like i have that gives me a sense of wanting to be here but i hate the fact i have to be this way and hate how it must be for him having a girlfriend that ‘needs’ him all the time. i feel so toxic which makes me feel so guilty and push him away all the time. the overwhelming urges are too hard to ignore and find it so difficult to control switching between idealisation and devaluation which i hate about myself. i can notice when i do it but it’s insanely overwhelming and feel so bad about it that i find it hard to speak about to anyone. because i’m so dependent on my relationship to give me any sense of worth and happiness, i don’t know how i would be able to cope alone. he is very supportive of me and aware of all of this i just find it impossible to control, constantly feeling like he’s gonna leave me and my world will collapse. i feel like being without a relationship would be better for him definitely but i know he loves me and doesn’t want to hurt me. it’s just so hard being with someone and them being my favourite person. the intense feelings of despair when i’m upset make me so scared because if we broke up i fear how damaging the emotions would be on me, i’m hanging by a thread just trying to get by each day as it is and everything takes the life out of me. i’ve recently started antidepressants and are seeing a therapist in a few weeks but am scared to tell anyone how i feel because i feel like such a bad person when i really don’t want to be. i hope at least one of these things can help me regulate my emotions properly and not take everything to extremes and out of proportion. I find the intense anxiety 24/7 so hard to deal with, i overanalyse everything and it’s exhausting especially at night and the crippling panic attacks. something also happened to me to increase that anxiety but i’m not ready to talk about to anyone that is always on my mind and is impossible to escape making me long to die so i can shut the pain away. my suicidal thoughts cross my mind 24/7 but conflicting emotions make me want to die but i still have a slither of hope that i can recover, i have a plan that is better than my previous tries as a last resort if i can’t get by anymore. as well as the other symptoms i find so difficult, i don’t wanna make this post too much longer. if anyone understands or can relate please comment and share your experiences, or anyone with any advice i would appreciate so much 🌟🌟