Bad formatting, very long post ahead.

I don't really know where to bury myself. That's probably a weird saying, no one says that in english, it's just a saying in hebrew. But I really don't know. I'm writing this while being dissociated so hopefully some emotions come out while writing that I can actually feel. I basically suffer from bpd, cptsd, adhd and depression overall. They're all pretty extreme except adhd that is mild. Depression comes in the form of dysthymia. I'm 20 years old, soon to be 21. I lived with roommates for a year because I didn't really have a choice, it was either that or continuing to live with my dad and his parents which drove me to the brink of suicide. Living with roommates and trying to manage myself as an adult with crippling mental health issues caused me to develop an eating disorder, if you can call it that, and sink back into depression. Is it an eating disorder if your body physically rejects food no matter how badly your mind wants to eat it? Is it an eating disorder if you throw up not willingly at all? You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is throw up. No fingers shoved in, no nothing. Ofc when you tell people you're throwing up food and can't eat they instantly assume you're bulimic, so I need to correct it every time to explain non of this is happening willingly. I want to eat properly so badly and my body refuses. Constantly suffering from extremely crippling nausea, getting to the point of being clinically underweight because I just couldn't stop throwing up and not being able to eat. For reference, I'm 5"6 and about 105lbs currently. I had to quit my job because I physically couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't, and I still can't really, walk anywhere for more than 5-10 mins without feeling like I ran a whole marathon. This continued until 2-3 weeks ago when I finally managed to get my appetite back. Now because my body is underweight and my stomach shrank, I have to eat small meals every 2 hours on the clock, if I don't eat every 2 hours I get the crippling nausea again, as if my stomach didn't *just* have food inserted in it, as if it's completely empty and I haven't eaten all day. My day is run by my stomach at this point. I'm literally at its mercy. My plans get ruined by me needing to eat and then not having the energy to continue doing what I did before eating. I stream video games, and it's one of the only ways I have to escape everything, and I can barely do that because I'll feel horrible physically at some point and won't be able to focus or function. I also don't feel like eating a lot of things and I'm a picky eater as is, every meal needs to be different otherwise my body rejects it, eating take out constantly doesn't work, neither does eating home made food constantly. And I need to have food made for me because I have exactly 0 energy to make it myself. I've found that a mix of take out and home made works perfectly but I have to fight with my dad constantly about ordering take out (reasons below). Everyone is like "it's okay, just keep eating, you'll gain weight and your stomach will be able to eat more over time" and like, yeah, I know that, trust me I do, but im so sick of feeling this way already. I want to go back to being able to eat a goddamn hamburger and not feel sick after 2 bites. I want to go on with my day without having it put to a complete halt because of my stomach. And if it's not my stomach, it's me getting triggered and getting into a spiral and losing all the energy I have. I've had to move back to basically living with my dad and his parents, only this time I live in an apartment they have under their house. I moved last Saturday. They let me live here for free so basically I owe them. I thought family was supposed to help unconditionally? That's not the case with my family. Every help comes with certain untold strings that they pretend aren't even there. I don't think they're even aware they're there. So I have my own space unlike before, I have my 2 cats, my fur babies, but I'm so dependant on my dad and I'm at their mercy, it's basically like living with them again. They don't understand that when I get triggered and lash out and want them to leave me the hell alone that they need to leave. Me. Alone. It's mostly my dad, he's just majorly influenced by his parents because he's a literal child. Trying to deal with him and explaining myself put me in a stress cycle for the past month of me refusing to sleep and being completely sleep deprived because I'm *that* stressed out. I've never been this stressed out ever since I moved out from my mom. I finally broke the cycle 2 days ago and managed to sleep for about 20 hours, but I still feel so stressed and I'm constantly triggered, I feel like my face looks like a crackhead. Now instead of being sleep deprived I feel constantly tired and need to sleep. My dad treats me like a 5 years old child despite me being smarter and more mature than he is. He still asks me if they need to wake me up for things as if I didn't hold jobs for months and lived with roommates for a year. I get that parents will always see their kids as kids but this is just next level. He tries to control *my* money and how I spend it. My only current income is disability and unemployment but both grant me a total of about 1k per month and he tries to control that because his current shtick is saving. Saving, saving, saving. Saving as much money as humanely possible, because he's lived his entire life in debt. All I hear about is how we need to save here, we need to save there, we can't spend money on this and that because he deems it as unnecessary and we need to save for the future. I order more take out with my own money and he says no stop that. I ask to buy something for the place I'm living in, or replace something that needs replacing like the shower head, and he says no, so I say I'll pay for it myself, AND HE STILL SAYS NO, YOU NEED TO SAVE, AS IF IM NOT ALLOWED TO SPEND *MY* MONEY HOWEVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE IT. Also, remember when I said I have to fight him in order to order more take out? This is part of that. He constantly fights me on it and tries to make me eat more home made food so we spend less on take out, and I'm trying to explain to him it didn't work before, and this is the only way that works that I can genuinely eat properly, and somehow we still got to the conclusion that we need to order less take out. I tell him he's saving money on the account of me and my health and he denies it completely. I tell him he said himself that if they make food and I throw away most of it because I didn't feel like eating it they actually waste more money than just ordering take out, *his own words*, and I'm looking into his eyes and I can tell it just doesn't compute. What I'm telling him just doesn't compute. He tries offering solutions and I'm trying to explain to him I've tried every single thing possible in order to eat more and this is literally the only thing that works and WE STILL GOT TO THE CONCLUSION THAT WE NEED TO ORDER LESS TAKE OUT. And you know, It's like I havent lived with roommates for a year working minimum wage jobs, living paycheck to paycheck, and somehow managing it financially with 2 cats, despite not even having money for food at times. I can't talk to him either because he doesn't respect me enough to even consider my words to him. He dismisses *everything* I say to the point where I broke down and had to tell him that I refuse to talk about our issues and my mental health with him without a psychologist present. No I try explaining myself and my mental process and the fact that I have anger issues that I can't control and he dismisses all of, and I'm looking in his eyes, and I can tell that whatever I'm saying just doesn't get through to him. He doesn't compute it. I need to talk to my aunt so she can talk to him and tell him my words for him to take it seriously. He doesn't comprehend what the hell a spiral even is. Fuck, we were talking, and I was extremely triggered and emotional and spiraling, and he asked me to look at him to which I said I physically can't, and he asked me why, and I said if he had a single shred of understanding of what trauma is he would understand why I can't, to which he had to ask if I had any trauma related to him. He was gone for 16 years of my life OF COURSE I have trauma related to him. How is he even gonna make it about himself? And I told him this has absolutely nothing to do with him and he insisted I answer the question. I just dissociated completely and tuned him out until he finally stopped talking and left. I've tried explaining myself to him, me as a person, how I work, how my emotional process works, what I need him to do in order to minimize triggers and approach me better, and it just.. none of it works. He has a neurological issue which causes memory loss, and by the time he *finally* gets anything of what I tell him he completely forgets it and we're back to square one. I just.. I can't keep dealing with it. I can't deal with him. It feels like I'm living with him despite having my own supposedly safe space. I don't feel safe. I feel like he could come in at any moment and trigger me somehow and then be completely unreceptive to it. I have to dissociate in order to not lash out at him because he doesn't understand a single word of what I say. I feel so stressed, my stress tolerance is at an all time low, my trigger tolerance is non existent and every little trigger sends me into a complete spiral that I don't know how to get out of. I lash out at everyone and everything because I genuinely just can't control myself. Even when I have the realisation that I'm over reacting, and my reaction isn't proportionate, and that I need to stop and breath I just can't stop. I can't control myself and I can't control my emotions or my spirals. I'm constantly triggered and angry and it's taking all the emotional and physical energy I barely have as is. And even if I'm having a good and productive day, some little thing happens that sends me into a spiral and ruins everything. The only real support system I have is my ex and we're emotionally connected which means that if I lash out at him and push him away I don't have any other support system to go to and I'm left completely alone to deal with everything that I can't deal with. And I can't ask anyone to constantly endure my anger and lashing out and have me not always apologize because apologizing has extreme traumas behind it that just *trying* to apologize triggers me. And I have major issues with guilt trips and feeling constantly guilty over everything and anything I'm not supposed to feel guilty over. So I feel like a shit person for leeching on my family, I feel like a shit person for lashing out, I feel like a shit person for just existing and being a burden on everyone, I feel like a shit person for not being able to control myself or my emotions, I feel like a shit person for asking for help ever. It doesn't matter if anything is justified and I shouldn't feel guilty for it, I still do. And I just don't know where to bury myself anymore or what to do with myself anymore and I know it's a passing feeling and I'll probably be 10 times better in a week but right now I just can't and I genuinely just want to disappear.

And I'm still dissociated but at least I got something out, I suppose.