title. every single time i open my mouth to speak or do ANYTHING i think ‘wow look how much you’re ruining everything. look how much everyone hates you. think how much better they’d be if you weren’t here.’

there’s no exceptions. i never get it right. i never have one interaction where i think ‘that went well.’ i always hate every single thing that i do. 24/7. 

i try hard to be positive. i try to say ‘maybe it wasn’t that bad.’ but there’s always a louder voice in my head telling me how horrible it was. how horrible i am.

it’s hard believing i have any value. or that i deserve at all to be happy. i haven’t felt that in a long time. i try everything to love myself, but it never works. i hate me. so much. my family deserves so much better. the only thing stopping me from offing myself is because i don’t want to hurt my family. i wish i could just…disappear