I was diagnosed in 2009 with a cocktail of different things, bipolar 2, adhd, ocd, depression/anxiety disorders. Been on medication ever since. Now this new one has popped up and I wish I had known about this illness earlier so I could have asked my doctor.

My wife who I have been with for 12 years just separated from me. I have been emotionally abusive for many years to her and she had finally had enough. If I don’t fix myself I’m going to lose everything. I need to fix me for me but I want my marriage to work.
I have severe abandonment issues mixed with this sexual possessiveness/possessiveness. She wants to see other people if it comes up but I completely shut down at the smallest of triggers and make it worse. For example she was sewing her Halloween costume and my mind automatically jumped to images of her sleeping with other people. Really graphic stuff. 
I was cheated on in my late teen years and never learned to deal with it, I just jumped to the next person. I was just lucky enough to find someone to marry me.

Now we have 2 kids and we have to live together because we can’t afford our own places. I’ve been staying in the basement but when the kids are awake we co-parent.
We’re still on good terms and remain very close friends but my controlling behaviour comes out for no reason and then we fight. It isn’t often but when it happens it ruins the day.

I had never felt this way but the amount of paranoia I feel is killing me. She’s going to a Halloween party with her sister tomorrow and I know it’s nothing yet my brain jumps to sex, like she’s my object.

She needs time o be fixed and I need to do it for me and my kids, but I’ve had horrible suicidal thoughts. I almost succeeded in 2009.

I’ve been speaking with a therapist and in the process of dealing with childhood trauma, booking group therapy, speaking with my psychiatrist and trying to get into in person therapy. The therapy I’m doing now is through my work.

The most fucked up thing is in my brain I know how much I love my family and how I would do anything for them, yet here I am self sabotaging myself. I’m aware, yet I do it anyway. I know I should stop and take 5 seconds to think about things yet I don’t.

I feel so broken and don’t know what to do, her Halloween party is tomorrow and though I know it’s nothing it’s what I keep going to. Every single negative outcome floods my brain about this.


TLDR: help