I struggle with a lot of things. I've struggled with semi-abusive parents, being trans, getting heart broken, friends leaving. Everything that up until now seems meaningless.

I feel like I'm at my end point. My partner, who also struggles with bpd, is going to leave me. She tells me that she's had enough. That she doesn't have enough patience for me anymore. She says i drag things on and keep asking for more. I just make her angry at me and she always comes close to leaving me. Whenever we have issues, she eithet alludes to leaving by saying I don't need her, or straight up tells me she is. I have nightmares of her leaving me. I haven't had real nightmares where i wake up with my heart beating or sweating in years. But now they happen frequently. And just now she told me if i ever do anything again she's gone. 

I don't know what to do about this. I feel like she's already gone. I know I'm going to fuck up somehow even if I try my best. Sometimes i say certain things without thinking about it, and things spiral out of control. I know it sounds cliche, but i can't live without her. Before i met her i was constantly depressed. I skipped and failed all of my classes. Being with her has been the best part of my life. She motivates me to improve.  Ive been going to school and getting good grades. I've been becoming more confident with my looks and presenting myself as female. I've lost weight and go to the gym. I try painting again. I finally have a future in mind when I'm with her.

Now it seems like its falling apart. And I can't deal with this. I know it in my heart that I can't. I wonder if i should just off myself now without telling her. Or tell her she can go, and off myself in a few months so she wont blame herself. I dont know what to do. How can i change so she wont leave? How can i stop being so emotional and thinning her patience? How can i be a better person for her? 

I apologize for the long post. thank you for reading