I really don't know where to go or who to talk to at this point. Weekly group therapy and calling a support line every evening are the only social interactions I have outside of work. Neither one can take the place of having a friend I can talk to.

When I turned 30 a few years ago, it has become even more difficult for me to find friends online (which was easier for me, I thought). Now I realize that most people over 30 already have friends and aren't looking for anything more than an acquaintance or activity partner, and most of the people online looking friends are in their teens and 20s, and are not interested in talking to anyone in their 30s. So online doesn't work, and I can't find anyone offline either, since we're entering a fourth wave.

I did try meetup.com, but I could not connect with anyone. Not even with a speed friending event. Within those few people that got to know me, some have said I'm an interesting person. The huge problem is I can't get anyone interested enough to want to know me.

I don't believe I come off as desperate because I always wait for people to approach me. I can't handle rejection; I don't know if that's because of my BPD or because that's the way I always was, but I determined to make myself safe by avoiding rejection. Besides, I hate small talk and I only talk if I have something relevant to say.

Work on myself? What about myself am I supposed to work on, especially when I find nothing about me that I need to change? Make people laugh? If making others laugh was so easy, everyone could be a stand-up comedian. Be positive? Positive people turn me off because their rose coloured view of the world makes them blind to the realities of the world. I don't have a stomach for them.

So if offline doesn't work (and isn't feasible now), and online doesn't work either, and if most people aren't looking for genuine friendships, then what else am I supposed to do? If enjoying my own company really could bring people to me without any effort, then I would have an endless supply of potential friends. That just isn't the case, and being alone all the time has only made me very jaded and angry to everyone as a whole. There are no interests I have where I can connect with anyone, I'm not athletic (so joining a sports team is not a option), and I don't care to take up a new hobby. So I have no options, and me posting on here likely isn't going to get me much support other than a few upvotes.