i really don’t know how to explain what i’m feeling like right now :( my friends, family, and doctors are all vocalizing their support for me, but i just feel crazier and crazier by the day. 
i got diagnosed with depression with psychotic episodes, but my meds prozac and risperidone are not helping me. i’ve tried so many other medications, what if i was marked by the devil? what if i’m possessed? nothing is helping me :( i don’t want to go to the hospital . i feel like even the universe or god or whoever doesn’t even want me once i leave my body. 

i can not stop crying. there are days when i can’t even recognize my life, my friends, my family, my memories. i can’t remember parts of my life or don’t see them as a part of my life. 
i used to be so afraid to die, but the more time passes, the less i care. i feel like no one takes my self harm seriously. i usually hit myself and carve my skin with a mechanical pencil because i hate seeing blood. 

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i don’t know who i am. my life doesn’t make sense to me. it doesn’t feel real.

i just feel like i’m slipping from reality day by day. i don’t want to take meds for the rest of my life. 
i just don’t understand why i had to be born at all. i don’t know where to go. i don’t even feel human, i feel like a monster.