Cant feel anything else, not allowed to cry as a little kid or else ill be chastised, berated, made fun of by the people that are supposed to emotionally support me, all i feel is anger, i cant emotionally relate to anything anymore or anyone anymore unless its angry or sad. I have little to no empathy for other people, not even the people im supposed to love, my mother that is struggling after my dad died, my girlfriend that has always had mental issues and abusive parents, i dont have the energy to pretend to care about it anymore. How am i supposed to feel bad for everyone else that my dad is dead when in reality i feel nothing for him, i cried when he died but looking back i dont know why i did, i cant remember a single good memory i have of him, i can only remember my sister being treated like a princess, and everything i did or said as disappointing, the music i listened to the things i was interested in, the only friends i had being online ones were probably so embarrassing for him, i can only imagine him thinking "the only people my son talked to for years were strangers on the internet", and im supposed to feel sad that he's gone? how? because he bought me things and put a roof over my head but is also responsible for almost every single one of my problems years later.

How do i feel something for him when the only thing he ever taught me was not to feel, not to cry, not to talk about my problems because i would be yelled at, called a wimp, or ungrateful, maybe i am spoiled and ungrateful but at this point i dont care because i have never wanted to die more in my entire life. I literally cannot be a human being unless i am high, is that how im supposed to live my life? maybe he was a product of his environment, but i didnt want to be, i wanted to be different, i didnt want to spend my life miserable waiting for the moments when i could be left alone to drink or smoke something to relax. I didn't want to be a miserable asshole, who said and did awful things because i can't control my anger, i didn't want to be bullied my whole life and then ruin actual friendships out of fear and hate, how am i supposed to feel happy that i have people who care about me now when my instinct is just to leave cause im probably a second thought, and nothing would change if i weren't there, why do i have to be awkward and have no confidence? why do i have to squander my own privilege and every opportunity that comes with it while scorning others for their own? why couldnt things just have been easier?