I wish I could say that I've never drunk driven before, but that would be a lie. I've been a problem drinker for around 5 years and that, coupled with living in a rural location, means driving under the influence was a more frequent occurrence than I would have liked. Honestly? I was always going to be arrested for it, it was just a matter of when and how. I hope other BPDers understand that concept, the concept of an event that was always meant to happen in your life, because I'm not sure I really understand why I feel it, but I know I do.

I'm not sure what happened last week. I had been sober for two weeks but still felt awful. I underestimated how much I had drank the night before, tried to drive to an assessment for therapy (an hour and a half away, thanks NHS), bumped into a car, and 'came to' from the alcohol in an ambulance. No one, including myself, was hurt. I was locked in a cell with no windows for 2 and a half days over the weekend, and broke my year long no-SH success by scratching the skin off my forearm until it bled. I cried, I slept, I catastophised - I have never felt more suicidal or more dehumanised than I felt in that cell, shitting in the same room I had to eat and sleep. 

I am on bail for a month, pending an assessment of my mental health and circumstances to guide the judge on my conviction. Best case is a ban from driving for 12 months, which will make my life and work (or lack of work) much, much harder than it already is. And BPD makes it pretty fucking hard.

I went on pre-booked 'holiday' an hour after I got out of court, meeting friends for dinner and staying with my boyfriend in a hotel for a few nights. The latter told me I am one of the cleverest people he knows but the person who does the most stupidest shit. Neither him, or my Mum and Dad, seemed very surprised about the news of my arrest. Perhaps they knew it would happen at some point too.  

I wasn't feeling too bad about it for a while. I was trying to keep busy with volunteering and friends and work, trying to act like it didn't happen and go back to what I was doing during my two week sober streak... but I just read something that made the feelings of failure come flooding back. 

I was a student when I began my drinking journey. During that time I was on placement and felt like a failure from the very beginning. The two students who did my placement before me were high achievers and went on to get distinctions and jobs, whereas I was drinking a bottle of vodka a day and struggling not to slash my arms with scalpel blades and meet random men for degrading and violent sex. I still managed to graduate with an MA with merit, but I've been pretty much unemployed ever since due to alcohol and BPD shit. The one project I was proud of as a student was continued by the girl who took over from me, and she's just been nominated for an award for it. I was always so career driven, always so focused on my education and job, and suddenly everything comes crashing down. Suddenly it's all hit me - I'm only working part time, I'm educated but I'm on benefits, I've lost my car for at least a year, I'm obviously not as talented as the girl who took over from me or the people who went before me, once again I'm unable to expose my forearm due to infected scabs that would make most people recoil in horror...

... and I knows that most of that isn't true. I know I was battling a lot during my placement and it's an achievement to have got to where I am with BPD. I know I've actually done a lot since graduating, even if it's not official employment. I know that success is measured in more than awards. I know that this is my first arrest and everyone is allowed to make mistakes, especially people who aren't in a good place mentally. I know it's great that I have such a supportive group of people in my life. I know it's great that I'm still working and planning ahead, despite what just happened. I KNOW these things to be true, but god damn I don't believe a single fucking one of them.  

I'm not sure if this post has a point. A vent, I guess. Perhaps I want to hear from others who've been arrested, perhaps I'm hoping someone will tell me my feelings of failure aren't valid... perhaps I want someone to tell me I am a failure. I'm not sure. All I know is that the last few days have made me feel a whole new level of hopelessness, suicidal feelings, and self hatred, and I really didn't think it was possible to feel those things more deeply. 

tl;dr I was arrested for drink driving and now I feel more suicidal than I ever have before. 