I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know where else to post please can someone help please. I have no self esteem I can't talk to people I don't know because I panic and I don't know what to say because I feel like they'll judge me and my mind goes blank. I feel like I'm the most evil person in the whole world and I have to keep going over in my head the tiniest things I've done to people or jokes I've made and I feel so nasty and evil. I find it physically impossible to talk about how I feel with anybody like the words just won't come out I'm even having trouble writing this. Ever since I was like 8 I've had fantasies about dying and people being happy and fantasies about how my life is gonna be wasted and I'm gonna kill myself. When I cry I convince myself I'm not human because I can't be human because I'm not normal. I don't feel like I'm a human. I feel like a freak. I don't know what's wrong with my head. My thoughts never shut up. I push my girlfriend away because I can't tell her how I feel because I find it physically impossible. I'm convinced nobody can like me. I have fantasies about dying and then watching my brother and sister grow up happy without me and fantasies about dying alone because I deserve to My mind is so broken. I don't know what the fuck I am. I used to think I was depressed now I don't then o thought I had anxiety now I don't then I thought I might have BPD now I don't please someone just tell me what's wrong with me my mind is broken I'm sorry if none of this makes much sense I've just typed as I've thought it. In-between all that I can feel happy too. I feel like it's all for attention I don't know how to deal with myself anymore