I have never gone to a therapist. I'm 18, I don't know if I have depression but it looks like it. 

Sometimes I'm normal and then out of nowhere I feel bad again. Is my life going to be like that alltime? I can't do this anymore, it is like everytime it just gets worse and no one notices it because I am functional and I laugh, eat and talk just fine. It's just that there is always this void inside me and I can't explain it, but it is there and makes living so difficult. I dont know if it is my personality, but I would give so much to be normal.

I just noticed that compared to other people, my happy moments aren't so happy and my bad moments are the worst. It's like everything I feel is out of proportion. I am so tired of trying to be better, of pretending that I'm fine.  I am so afraid it is going to be like this all my life, because I am miserable and I don't know if it is worth it if I am going to continue feeling like this.

I have been trying to contact a therapist. It is so expensive. I just can't expect my mother to pay that considering I function just well. I am afraid she will see me differently if I ask her to do it. I tried to contact a free therapist from a community service but they don't answer. I just can't do this anymore. I am from a third world country and mental health isn't considered important. I know that my grandmother and uncle both have depression, and they both deal with it all fucking time. I can't live suffering like that.