Every thought that comes into my head that isn’t what’s happening now, freaks me out. I can’t trust if the things I’m thinking about in my head are real or not but logically I know they aren’t and yet I panic that they might be. I’m not losing touch with reality. I’m not going crazy but my mind is saying, “what if?” I can be just chillin and automatically I think of one of my old favorite actors River Phoenix. Yeah he died years ago. But I’m like, “what if he’s real? What if I know him? I think he’s attractive.” Or i think of a attractive guy I saw on a show. “What if i was dating him? What if we knew each-other?!???” WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

The thoughts are 95% about being with a guy, or thinking of an attractive guy. The other 5% are the dpdr, a scent, smell or sound from childhood/or a stressful time in my life.

I sometimes have such real vivid dreams too, full of people from my past. People I knew and still know and it feels like its so real that I wake up and check my phone or feel like i'm back at that age and what if I am, what if i'm there and not here? What if I'm reliving those memories?

I’m trying to ignore it, I’m trying to just tell myself it’s just thoughts. Just mindless what ifs. But then I get a rush of panic, the derealization sets in and then it’s like my body is getting prepared for something.

I’m so tired. I can’t connect with anybody or anything outside my head. It only feels like what’s ever is real is in my head and yet I know they’re just thoughts. FUCK.

The anxiety causes it, I get anxious cause why am I getting anxious from these thoughts and then I get more anxiety. This is gonna kill me because I cannot tell anyone because it sounds so fucking crazy. They can come on at any time. I've been avoiding my family because if I start panicking I can't explain this to them??!?!?!?

I left the house for the first time in a month to just walk across the street to drop off a library book and I was so fucking anxious and trapped in what feels like a bubble of only me existence. I dry heaved a few times, heart beating out of my chest and walked back into my house that doesn't feel like my house because nothing around me feels real.

I cannot stop questioning these thoughts. I've been in my room for a week googling, trying to find an answer. I need to know. Was there a traumatic experience with guys? Am I going through psychosis? Am I dying? Am I crazy? I HAVE TO KNOW WHY BECAUSE THEN I CAN SOLVE THIS AND STOP FEELING SO ANXIOUS.