Hey guys, this is kind of a long one so thanks to anybody that is gonna give it the time of day.

I'm an expat in Japan since 2018 and I struggled to find a healthy group of friends in my first couple of years here, but over time I built a healthy support system with amazing people. I'm kinda the "therapist" of the group, most people come to me talk to me about their problems and I always try to help them see where a good path for a possible solution is at. 

This makes me feel useful and indispensable to them, but I noticed that as soon as I cannot be present for an event or something like that, my anxiety skyrockets. If I see 2 people taking a selfie without me, I immediately jump to the conclusion that they actually don't like me or some other excessive reactions like that. I have been trying to work on this over-vigilance of mine for a few years now and although I can contain my reactions, they still burn on the inside.

Alongside all of this, 8 months ago I met this guy and we start to casually date. I introduce him to my group of friends and we all get along really well and officially became part of the group. Let's call him Takashi for now. Takashi and I grew closer and closer, we mostly communicate in Japanese since his English is not that great and even tho I'm fluent there's still cultural and linguistic barriers that we manage to overcome most of the time; he starts showing affection in pubblic, which is a HUGE deal in Japan, especially for gay couples.

 Everything is going well, so 3 weeks ago I confess my feelings to him and... He rejects me... He's like "I like you and I don't have anyone else in my life, but I don'wanna date you". That of course breaks my heart and I go on autopilot for a while. I told some of my friends about what happened but I don't want to make a huge deal out of this. I am ashamed that I feel so devasted about something so trivial in the grand scheme of things. I'm trying to take my distance from him and I don't text him. He reached out a couple of times but I replied coldly and kept it short. I'm doing my best even tho it pains me not to have him in my life anymore. 

But being away from him means being away from my friends and that's hard. Tonight he invited some people over for dinner and he didn't invite me. I understand that we are a big group and not everyone can join every single little thing, but that hurt so much. It felt like yet another heartbreak and I can't with this. I wanna be around people but the fear and anxiety of them leaving me is so painful that it just makes me want to isolate so that I'm not a burden to them 

I don't know how to get out of this loop, I've been thinking of taking a break from this people and try to find new friends, but that's so exhausting and feels so unfair. I wanna be that happy, cheerful guy but these burst of terror that pop up every now and then make everything more difficult.

There's also the added pressure of not wanting people to see my struggles, because in my head I have this idea that "if I have problems, how can I possibly help somebody else?". I know it's an absurd concept, that nobody actually thinks that, but in the moment it feels so real and mandatory. 

Thank you for reading, I appreciate your patience and interest.