I think about killing myself everyday, it's a like a reflex now. Should I get up and face the day? I could just kill myself... I guess I should like get up and do stuff, I could always do it later. But really what I want is for things to be different, what I want will never happen so I just want to die. I hope to be killed in a way that my family will be ok with it, I don't want them to think I killed myself, but nothing ever happens to me that I couldn't come back from. 
I got clean over three years ago. Everyone said it would be better. They lied. Three years of therapy later, at first I was all in and now I stare at the floor three days a week for an hour making my Dr seemingly uncomfortable while he tries to find questions to ask me. there is no standard medication for what I have and the cocktail I swallow everyday barely helps.
I have no control over my relationship. I can't talk about anything. I feel stupid, like nothing I do is good enough, like my feeling and opinions are invalid. 
Everything in my life is my fault. I've lost so many, so much... The guilt I feel is undescribable and even though I know I had nothing to do with it ive still been called murderer. I am not but it doesn't make me feel any better. There are things I will never get over. I am having a hard time controlling my emotions and trying to make everyone feel better. 
I've gained some things but it's extremely restricted sometimes I don't do things or talk to my two friends because it's too much of a problem. One I don't talk to anymore really and one I'm not even allowed to call my friend, he's my boyfriend's friend not mine.
Everyone said things would be better on the other side. Get clean and you'll be doing great. I hate my new life. I hate myself. I hate what I've done to people since I stopped using, soany mistakes. I can feel it all now and it's so much worse. I feel like a failure.
Like the song goes give me one good reason to live I'll give you three to die. I've never felt it more.