I'm schizoaffective and in a semi-manic episode but it's ok because I can finally construct some semblance of thought that brings me comfort and I will write it and maybe miss the entire point or experience of what it means to actually have this disease, or be in the throes of the symptoms, but I must write because it helps me so much. If you can't make sense of it, that's totally fine because I'm trying so hard. I've had it as a draft but I'm struggling with the workability of hope and any narrative that will help:

here goes:

Honestly If i had to recount the last few years, and figure out what schizoaffective means (if it means anything at all), or more importantly, what it is, it would be like growing up to a certain age, and knowing how to know make a cup of coffee. You take it for granted. Then slowly and suddenly, your psyche, everything from your emotions to your intellect is smashed to pieces and ripped apart...and assuming you survive, or aren’t crippled, you “re-learn” how to make that cup of coffee, but with a completely re-built psyche...so you see the dimensions of the cup, the steam coming off the pot, the oils floating in the liquid, the multiple aromas and differing tastes of that same cup of coffee in very new ways...maybe you don’t experience these senses more clearly, or it’s not that the cup tastes objectively better, but YOU are just so different that you can’t help but realize that that same cup of coffee is NOT a cup of coffee you’ve ever had. That contrast in who you were and who you are, and the comparison in who those two people experiencing the cup of coffee is...yes, the cup of coffee is different. Let’s not even get started on cigarettes and alcohol. The nice thing is that same cup of coffee is also different depending on your environment. It can actually be a shittier quality roast or bean, but it will mean something different if you’re in your insane girlfriends apartment or with a childhood friend, or in a library. And in any of those environments, for whatever reason, you can knock over the cup! AHHHHH



The world is what we hallucinate, how we interpret it, how we interact and interface with it with it and what we make it. If for whatever reason, in that “perfect” moment, your brain decides to burn it to the ground...Well ancient prehistoric forests during the time of the dinosaurs caught fire in some climates, in “perfect” moments, and wiped out everything in the area, killing every living thing, suffocating them while also cooking them, then reducing them to ash. Then slowly, the barren wasteland provided the perfect place for new forest to grow...This is known as forest fire ecology, the way plants grow back from flame. Actually it’s been going on since at least the Devonian and these sorts of fire have been in such perfect conditions to kill off Marine species. But the “biological imperative”, the “Spirit of the Eons” continues to be one stubborn bastard. So I dont know...



Burn. Burn 1000 times. The strength of you, by birthright (which implies a responsibility to self-preserve and self-cultivate) , a descendant of Eons of torment is that you bear that pain, and that you may re-grow every time.