Every time I think I am better. Every time I think I have done something to help ease my bpd, I’m proven wrong.

I went a few weeks without giving into depressed, suicidal, aggressive behaviors. I have been reading books, getting pretty good sleep, not smoking weed, and have been eating better. I bought a few self-help books about controlling your emotions, so whenever I started to feel myself drift into something dark, I would work myself out of it using mindfulness.

I thought I wasn’t crazy anymore, until last night. My ex/friend/somewhat girlfriend of four years got into an argument. The whole ride home I kept contemplating killing myself and running my car off the interstate. I was supposed to have studied for my FINRA exam like I had planned for days, but I ended up getting drunk because my emotions are literally uncontrollable when I al bothered by something. I mean I am genuinely paralyzed and cannot change my mindset for anything. Mindfulness DOES NOT work when I am in this mode.

Why can’t I fucking cope? Why does everything seem so much worse than it actually is? Anytime someone gets into an argument with their SO, they usually laugh it off to their friends, but I’ll be thinking about wanting to die. I’m 23 and can’t imagine how I will get through the serious obstacles in life.