I feel like a failure. I've been an academic person my whole life, always in more challenging classes and usually within the top 10 students of my school. I graduated high school with a 3.8 and lots of honors to my name. I went to a pretty good college, and then everything came crashing down. The only thing I've come up with that could explain why is my lack of friends at college and my inability at making friends, but that feels like such an excuse. 

I lived on campus my first year of college and I felt like a ghost. My roommate and I didn't get along, and I think it was because I never wanted to leave my dorm. I became so afraid of going and doing anything because I was usually alone. So, for my second year of college, I moved back home about an hour away and started to commute 90 minutes a day (bus, train, light rail) to campus. I hated being alone and didn't want to think about it, so I started adding more and more to my plate. I had a regular work load, and joined a community service club, started working at a research lab on campus,  joined the McNair scholars, and got a regular job on the weekends. Regardless of how many things I joined, I still couldn't make any friends. I was leaving on the earliest train in the morning and coming home on the latest train, eating dinner, and going to bed to do it all again in the morning. 

I felt empty and depressed and constantly anxious. I never did anything outside of school. I did that for a year and a half. 

My grades started slipping and I started having more and more panic attacks. Eventually, I made a huge decision to drop everything and transfer to a smaller, less renowned college in my home town. I felt over school, like I had been doing it for so long and hated it. So I got a job and did school on the side, essentially. It was a complete 180. My grades had suffered severely because I hated the idea of even going to class, or even stepping on campus. I already felt like such a failure, and I think I was really giving up by then. I finished my degree with a 2.7 gpa.

My dream was to get a masters degree. To be some kind of researcher and publish studies. I was on the best track to do that and completely gave it up. And now, I know it's going to be a thousand times harder if I ever want to get my masters degree. I've only seen schools that will take a 3.0+ gpa. I feel like I've fucked up my life because I didn't hold on for another couple years. 

I'm seeing my friends from high school get their masters. Either they just graduated with their masters or are still in school for it. I'm working at a nonprofit making just above minimum wage and struggling with who I am. Academics was all I ever was, and now I feel like I've completely failed myself. 

I don't really know what I'm trying to get out of writing all this down. Just getting it out, I guess. It's hard seeing my peers, people I was on equal footing with, move forward in life at a much quicker pace than myself. And I know it's not good to compare, but it's hard not to when I was supposed to be there with them. Right now, I should have several honors to my name, lots of extracurriculars, and a masters degree on the way. I feel like I've failed my whole family, all who have never been academic types and looked at me like a little genius. 

I don't know where to go from here, or even if I can get close to what I wanted in the first place. I would still like to get my masters degree, but I feel like it's impossible. 

Not sure how to end this, so thanks for reading.