i am really drunk while writing this. 
well kids dont turn to alcohol while feeling down.
i do it and every weekend until i get get drunk until i pass out.
one day you will realise that shit aint the same as before.
at least thats what happening to me.
i remember what was the concept of happieness but i just cant recreate it. i havent been truley happy in at least two years.
its kinda tough when i think about it.
i do everything everyone else is doing and i dont get anything back. and thats why i started drinking.
i feel awfull.
i dont really feel anything.
i dont feel sad until someone dies.
and even then its hard to feel anything if they werwnt really close to me.
i just feel weight.
or coid i duuno.
its a weird feeling.
like torture. 
and the worst thing is that i font even have a good reason to feel thst way.
i just do. i just rot from the inside and im notb the same as before.
im killing my old self and replacing it with something worse.
people tell me to change but i dont want to change i like myself.
but some part of me really hates me.
it feels pointless.i eirher want to die or just be happy as before. really anything. so i can feel like im me. like its not just a time skip. i dont even feel like im being me nothingseems real its all just passing by and im observing it never under control. never me.i dont know what changed but im done with it.
ive got people to live for but it almost feels like extra weight. i feel really guilty for thinking that.
i dont knoe what to do with it. i cant be happy about anything. even my doggy. i see him and i show affection but i dont feel it at all. i do it so hes happy but i dont feel it.
i never whent to no therapy so i dont know if i have depression but this shit really been buggin me the past 3 years.