my dad has anger issues, but he has never directed his anger at me until today. i get overwhelmed easily especially when it comes to people getting angry, a lot of assignments due or an overly messy house or too many people at one place. well today, my mom asked me to clean up the living room and kitchen because my dad’s partner at his company was coming and a few potential investors too. usually my mom and sister take care of cleaning because i work at a slow pace + get overwhelmed easily when the mess is too much but they were out of town so i did my best.

i cleaned most of the two rooms but was taking a quick break to eat. my dad comes home from work and starts freaking out and cursing. the guests were coming in 2 hours and my mom was on the way home. and tbh there wasn’t much left to clean.  it wasn’t even regular freaking out it was stomping up the stairs frantically taking a few pillows up, comes back starts freaking out more. calling me irresponsible. cursing more. complaining again about the mess and how nothing is clean, etc. 

i had the worst reaction. i thought i was gonna die. started freaking out. crying silently. hyperventilating. cried for 2 hours while wishing i was dead. my brother goes, “yeah i understand and feel for you but he has anger issues. he cares. he never could hurt you physically. he took us out yesterday to eat and had spent $200 on a nice meal. he just makes mistakes. i’ll make him apologise.” when my dad was behaving like that i genuinely feared for my life. i understand people freaking out or being a bit disappointed but then there was him literally a second away from setting the house on fire. i told him to calm down and he said “no i won’t” and continued to freak out. 

when my mom comes home and i’m still freaking out he suddenly becomes normal again and says “poor thing only cleaned the bathroom.” and talks about getting me a new phone like he wasn’t freaking out a second ago.

i never want to talk to him ever again. my parents, their bipolar personalities, their high expectations, and strong narcissistic beliefs of their perfection are part of the reason why I have such crippling anxiety and unbearably low confidence in myself and my dreams. 

i’d do anything to be normal like my brother and forgive and forget. but i don’t think i can ever look at him the same.