Sorry for the long post but this has been bothering me for a while. I act like a different person entirely unwillingly so often that at this point, I’m very confused on who I am or what I would act like, what I would think, what I would say originally. Sometimes I act so extroverted with people and act like we’ve known each other for years even though I’ve met them an hour ago (this isn’t to say only for people that I get taking with, like genuinely to anyone) and then suddenly it dawns on me that I’m not that open and out there usually, and my brain just instantly lags because I’m hit with the sudden feeling, why did I act like that? And the entire memory of my interaction with that person starts feeling blurry, as if it was all a dream, as if if anyone told me that it never happened, I’d believe them. It feels like the entire memory happened behind a veil of fog. It scares me because it entirely disrupts my sense of reality and encourages deep dissociation, at the end of the day sometimes I feel so scared because I can’t be sure of what was real and what was not, and I feel like I can’t trust myself, my memories, my entire personality (that I can’t figure out which one is real). And I calculate everything I do with others and say to others in order to not hurt them in any way that I’m not sure if what I do/say in the end is really me. I feel like I’m living life and interacting with people through a filter, and I’m never sure if what I do is really me, and that makes me think if what people think of me is really about me. Do people who love me because of the things I do love the real me or the me projected through these careful calculations? Or are those the same person after all?
It’s entirely so, so scary to me and so confusing. I feel like a little child lost in a grocery store. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with it?