I don't know how can I begin writing this post. In short, part of the abuse as a kid led me to think that life is ugly, extremely bad and that everything is super complicated. I constantly live in my head and I can't get out of my thoughts, almost as if they try to protect me from what's happening right in front of me: as if the process of life is constantly painful. I feel guilty because the same people who told me that life is difficult made me feel shameful that I was doing "bad" and a disgrace basically.

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Can't say who they are (you probably already know) but one of those people was a big narcissist who led me to believe everything is hyper complicated, that living life in a normal way without having so many worries was unrealistic and that trusting people was bad. I feel like trying to see life as a great opportunity to experience something calm and wonderful is unrealistic and egocentric, because I'm "ignoring the truth", as if I want to make life easier than it is and that I'm a disgrace of a lazy asshole

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As if I have to constantly be hypervigilant of everyone and everything. I tried to just be in the present moment and actually let myself experience life, but the cloud of thoughts seem to take control. Anyone feels the same way? Like, living the pain is something "bad to do"?