So for starters my days off have gone by WAY too fast this week. I already only have one day left before I have to go in again four nights in a row. I haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep and of course on the one occasion I’m off everybody wants to text me. I’m already feeling overwhelmed because of the upcoming work week let alone keeping a social life going. Which I barely have as is. My main problem though is I’m never really off work. My brain is too busy telling me all the ways I have to be ready for the next work week for me to even remotely wind down. I’ve never felt more trapped in the “system” then ever before. I’m genuinely gonna work till I die and I HATE IT! I feel overwhelmed enough to explode! 

Second I’m depressed again especially since I’m reminded everyday that I’m alone and don’t have the love/support everyone else around me seems to have. Parents are divorced, moms a deadbeat narcissist, dads a borderline alcoholic who’s also bipolar, one sibling lives with my mom so we no longer talk, and the other is pretty emotionally disconnected so we don’t even have a real relationship. Sister in law ended up ruining my trust a few years ago on vacation when I told her about my dads problem and she told him behind my back. Which has now led to him literally hiding his drinks under the blanket when I walk in the room like I’m completely stupid. So yeah. “Family” means nothing to me because it’s never existed in my life. I wish I could be with someone but I’ve got so much baggage what dude is gonna wanna deal with it? Not to mention my dad is controlling when it comes to that so the only guy I’d have a chance of ending up with is, you guessed, nobody. Or someone who’s just like him/worse. Who’ll I’ll end up divorced from and hating within like a year of getting married. 

And finally I just feel like an all around failure. I’m never good enough at anything! I’m religious and try to keep my faith in good condition but it’s made a million times harder by my depression/anxiety. But most people don’t get that so they’ll basically just treat me like I’m garbage for not doing more. Including my dad. Who’s like, “If you’re not gonna do more spiritually I might as well charge you rent. That’s what I did with your other siblings. Why should you be an exception? You’re 20 now!” Because that’s really encouraging me to do more for the “right reasons.” Especially since he barely does anything himself and hasn’t in years now since the divorce. I’ve already done more in the past just so people would leave me alone and trust me, I’ve NEVER been more miserable. I can’t find the motivation to do anything. The few things I do enjoy I realize ultimately will just die off like everything else. So I slowly grow to resent them. Or I can never enjoy them to the full. What’s the point? I’ll just lose it like I gave everything/everyone else I’ve remotely grown attached to. And nobody’s helping by telling me to “pray about it” or “take some vitamins.” Or even worse, just brushing me off cause I’m “young and healthy.” In other words too much to have any real problems or zero energy. 

They say suicide isn’t the answer to your problems, but so far, I haven’t found any others either. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.