(Just a random throwaway account)

A lot has happened recently. A dear friend of mine almost killed themselves and I was too scared to tell anyone until it was almost too late. I tried my best to help them, but they asked that I didn’t tell anyone. It lasted a few weeks before that day arrived. They’re okay now, luckily, but I’m not. 

It took so much out of me to help them. I spent every day and night thinking, I lost sleep from worrying, everyday was a gamble on whether or not they’d be alive. It was so exhausting.

At the same time, I was also watching a play through of a game I really enjoyed. I found myself starting to fantasize that I was in that world, and that everything was perfect and happy. I hadn’t done this for several years, I had grown well out of that, but here I was doing it. 

I slowly began to genuinely like the characters, as if they were real. It was comforting to pretend I was in this fantasy world. There was never anything wrong, everything was perfect.

I’m now starting to drift away from friends and family. I’d rather keep pretending everything was okay in this fake world than accept the realities of my life. Now I’m starting to wonder if my life is even worth it.

I have friends and family that I love and want to care for, but I can’t handle life. I can’t fix their problems. I’m just stuck here. So I pretend that I matter. I fantasize that I can help others. I’d rather stay in a fictional world than be with those I so deeply care about.

When something happened in the game, it started to, and still does, pain me. I’m in genuine disbelief, but also somewhat grieving. I now try to “go back”, in this fantasy, to where things were better. To where there were no problems, but I can’t. My mind won’t let me live in this fake world. 

I’m sorry for venting, I feel too uncomfortable to tell anyone. Thank you for listening.