It hit me last night. 
This is the first month I've been diagnosed and know exactly what's wrong with me. 

I thought, foolishly, that focusing on productivity would get me some sort of free pass. Haha no. 
Last night the thoughts came flooding in right after getting a promotion. 

"You're so unlikeable. If anyone knew you they'd hate you. You're a monster. Your last FP is happy with someone else and you'll never be that happy because you're fucked up."

I bit my lip, did my best not to freak out at anyone or anything and let myself cry, quietly for an hour or so before falling asleep. The thoughts are still blasting in my head and I'm drowning them with loud music. 

Im at work right now, and forced myself to instead of calling in sick as I usually do. I can do this. I can get through the bullshit my brain is tormenting me with. 