24M. I had a realization tonight about my struggles. I've been feeling lost, alone, inhuman, and as if I'm a shadow. Wherever I am, a looming darkness hangs over me, and for months I haven't been able to pinpoint why until tonight. 

I've been feeling the way I do because no one really cares about me. No one cares if I live or die. The few people who do, my parents, get older by the day and one day soon they'll no longer be around. Then I'll truly have no one. As for everyone else, they may be sad if I killed myself, but I truly believe that not one of them will truly be crushed by it. Why does that matter? It doesn't, but it's an indicator of something.

I realized tonight that all I want is love. Not the live of millions, or even as much as 10 people. All I really want is the love of one person. Someone besides my parents to say "I'm here for you, and you mean something to me". That's something I was reminded that I don't have, and haven't for some time now, if I ever did. 

Nothing I do, nowhere I go, nothing I say can get me any closer towards that goal. Months, and honestly, years of my life have been wasted looking for the slightest scrap of love and care from another human being. Yet still my bed is empty, I go days at a time without speaking to a soul no matter how I attempt to reach out or support someone. I don't exist unless I'm useful to those around me. I'm just a tool to distract them until their next crisis comes along, all the while knowing they'd never lift a finger to do the same for me. I wish I was talking about a specific person, but this applies to nearly every person I've met within the last three years. 

I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop.