I (22M) have BPD and PTSD, at least according to a psychiatrist I talked to once. People have speculated on other illnesses they think I have but I won’t mention them here cause those people weren’t doctors.

I know some people have it much worse, but I feel like I’ve gotten pretty extremely and consistently unlucky in my life so far. My dad was a violent alcoholic who was so fucking delusional that once I was old enough to confront him about it (still hate that I didn’t do it earlier when he was beating my mum and sister, even if I was just a little kid), he flat out denied everything he’d ever done I think he himself actually believed it. I had to cut all ties with him when I was 15, even though my older sister still visited him because she felt sorry for him. My mum is a childish narcissist. She tried to kill herself twice in front of me, both times before I was 12 and both times I had to call the ambulance and keep her awake while I waited for them. She also has bipolar and gets paranoid delusions, one time she watched me play Tony Hawk’s Underground 2 and she accused me of stacking on purpose because I was picturing that the characters were her an I wanted them to get hurt. I was about 6.

Aside from my family being shitty, we moved around a lot so I didn’t have any consistent friend groups and got pretty good at leaving people behind. Moved around so much in year 11 that I would’ve had to repeat the year so I ended up dropping out. My first job I was treated like shit, worked there for 7 months for $9 an hour and never got a uniform or a sales code to use the register. I was even looked over when everyone I worked with got vouchers for Christmas and I didn’t even get a card. 

Next I tried going to uni only to find that I was the only person in my class and for some reason they decided to run the course anyway so I did my first semester alone in the class. The second semester they cancelled my classes, cause I was still the only one in them, and didn’t tell me until I rang up and asked where my timetable was the first day of term. There was a bunch of other shit that happened there too but eventually I graduated despite it all.

After that I started a job bartending and didn’t really enjoy the work but met a girl there who is the first and only person I’d ever really consider a friend. But then I fell in love with her and I guess experiencing those emotions for the first time really undermined my mental health and I spiralled into a complete wreck. I had a suicide attempt during that period, did a time of self-harm which has left me covered in scars and was just generally reckless and self-destructive. It just felt like all my past trauma caught up with me all at once and I couldn’t get a grip. That girl supported me through all of it but eventually it came out how I felt about her and she didn’t feel the same. We still talk very rarely but I don’t know if I’d even consider us friends anymore, it hasn’t been the same since. 

Last year my mum kicked me out at the start of covid because she was convinced I was trying to catch the virus and spread it to her so she’d die. I moved into the city and got more bartending work where I found out the company was underpaying everyone and tried to report it which got me fired and I had to go to court to challenge it. I eventually won that legal battle but the stress of everything I was dealing forced me into some old bad habits and it became clear to me I wasn’t coping, so despite my obvious trepidation, I took my mum up on an offer to move back in because I didn’t really have many other options for getting out of the city given that I don’t have my license because I have no one to take me driving.

I’m just sitting here now reflecting on all that’s happened and what it’s done to mean and I’m realising that I’m not someone who fits into the world we have anymore. I fell like I can’t hold down a job because I either lose my ability to cope or get myself fired. I feel lonely all the time but I don’t want to be around anyone at all, I don’t like people, even five minute conversations exhaust me and I just want to tell the other person to shut the fuck up and fuck off. I don’t belong in society and that’s a really shitty realisation to come to cause everything about living pretty much requires you to participate in the system now. I want my freedom but you can only get that with money but I can’t hold down a job and I can’t work with people. I want a relationship but I’m so fiercely independent that I don’t want anyone around me ever and people are a massive strain on me and I can’t participate in social interactions without wanting to exit as soon as possible. 

I’ve just been warped into someone who can’t fit anywhere and I don’t know what someone like me has to look forward to or is supposed to do.