I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression for over a year now. The past few months have been... strange.

I can get myself to do things (getting out of bed on time, getting school and writing work done), and talk to my friends without bringing up my anxiety or issues. I can pass as normal, and I understand in my head that a lot of my worries are selfish and so don’t express them or give them much influence.

A friend once told me that I need to count my blessings more, that worrying about seemingly-trivial things underscores what I do have—a loving middle-class family, dog, etc. I know that I sometimes use my worries and depression to fish for sympathy, or to use that sympathy to prevent my worries from becoming reality. At the same time, I’ve been working on imagining those worries coming true, and assuring that I will survive. I’ve come to a philosophy where I just have to do what’s right no matter what comes my way.

But something’s off. When good things happen I feel suspicious, distressed, as though this deprives my right to certain worries (especially the petty ones, like a DND romance with another PC ending in tragedy—stupid, I know). I try to turn them away, but either way I’ll feel conflicted or worse. I can’t bring myself to enjoy them because it either feels like a trap (things were going materially smoothly before this relapse, after all) or... pointless. 

There are moments of shallow contentment, surface stuff or just... peace. At other times I feel like there’s a piece of metal inside me that’s slowly being worn down by worrying about how I’m acting, or when the feeling of underlying pointlessness manifests. Once in awhile there’s a full relapse.

I can’t let myself bother others with my worries and I know I’ll have to be strong if they do come true. But I’m scared, if I’m even capable, of going back to ‘normal’ but I have to act like I am, or use my reason to BS it. And I’m not sure what the line between real and fake is anymore.

I’m sorry for the rant or if I’m not making sense. I don’t know where I am, but I’m tired and needed to get it out.