**\*TW\***

I’m becoming more susceptible to the so called “source” of all my intrusive thoughts which are now triggered anytime I feel relief, or any type of positive emotion, they become all consuming…example - “you’re feeling relief huh? well \[insert source of good/relief - like something a therapist said/told you to do, something you read, someones advice, a video you watched\] is just something to maybe make you feel better temporarily, how about it just lost its ability to make you feel good, even if you did keep doing it i’ll still be there…now how’s this - everyone you love is gonna die and you’re stuck in this, you’re sitting with someone you love right now, who is gonna die because you’re stuck in this thought loop forever and you’re being cringe, quiet, not funny, cant think of anything to say, when you make an attempt its disingenuous and dumb, he’s gonna kill himself because you’re so dumb and appalling to be around compared to how you used to be..and he blames himself for how you are...he might see himself in you….how do you feel now huh? look where that good feeling got you…now how about this song you had stuck in your head, or this random bit of imagery? how about your dads butthole or your mom being stabbed? how about you stabbing your mom?) and any type of “escape,” say, something based in mindfulness (focus on the breath, this is temporary/not you, you’re just awareness) becomes really hard to attach to because you can almost see it as just a “stream” of thought among many, almost like the multiverse and just seeing it like that only feeds the anxiety, which amplifies the other thought “streams,” such as “your possessed, dead, in hell, a psychopath, everything you do/say has a fucked up motive behind it, consciousness and all is contents exists just to torture you.” The only thing keeping me from killing myself is my inner passivity, which is starting to wear thin, ultimately become nullified. I used to feel like writing this stuff out made me feel better, but now it just seems like anytime I feel better it just makes me feel worse. Even posting on reddit and reading people responses used to make me feel good, but now that’s tainted i guess, not sure why i’m even doing this