I sound so whiny I know. I have this feeling like I want to get up and do something, but eventually the feeling of anxiety just makes me tired and my depression kicks in and I just sit there hating myself. I sometimes just wish I didn’t exist. Life feel so monotonous and unfulfilling. I’ve been depressed for years to the point of where I’m not even sure I’m fixable anymore. I’ve been afraid to take antidepressants because I don’t want to just feel even more numb and I’ve been to lazy to see a therapist because my depression has given me commitment issues. On my days of I sit around the house staring at a screen thinking about what could make my life better, but I eventually give up. I know I sound like a sad little kid, but idk how else to say it except I just feel this way for know fucking reason. I feel like I have no ambition, no hope, no patience, I tire emotionally and physically, I don’t like myself. Seeing people happy is probably one of the most painful things ever. I feel so happy for them, but at the same time I dislike myself and remind myself of that. There’s a part of me that sees myself finding a man to go on a journey with across the world and even get married. I picture myself going on adventures not giving a damn , eating good food then during the holidays going home to see my family and being the living uncle that inspires my nephews to be anything they set their minds too. There’s a part of me that actually believes that could happen, but it feels so faint now. Wherever I go and no matter what the depression just follows me everywhere and sometimes makes me not even want to be alive. When I think about my dreams it’s also one of the most painful things because it’s my depression just burns them to a crisp.