I've made the decision to end my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together for a little bit longer than 3 years, but since April or May I stopped feeling the same way towards him. I stopped to desire him and slowly I could not see him as my partner but my friend. I know this is what I want and not an impulsive thing. The situation is, I'm very afraid and anxious about the big amount of rejection and hate I will be getting from his family and friends after the break up.

He is not a popular guy, but he knows a loooot of people and all of them care for him deeply, and I don't blame them; he is a very caring and compassionate person, but we have also our differences regarding what we want in the future with a stable relationship, and those things are not negotiable for neither of us.

He still loves me deeply, and I know it. I know this will hurt him a lot, and I hate to hurt someone I care for. I still care about him and I want him to acomplish his goals and succeed in what he desires, but I don't want to be his partner anymore. That type of love I felt is gone. He is/was my only physical friend (my bestie moved to the other side of the country a couple of years ago and my closest friends besides her are from another country) so I am theorically alone in this process.

My psychiatric suggested for both of us to go to a couple therapy thing so the splitting would be less hurtful for us. The appointment is on the 14th and the idea of this moment coming is slowly killing me on the inside. I know that I shouldn't care about what other people think about me, but it's so overwhelming when they hated me to death the first time we broke up back in 2016. We came back together on 2019 btw, and in the first months I could feel that look of "you b*tch hurt him, you better not do it again or else" from everyone. Even his parents told me to not break up with him because he loves me deeply and he's a really good man (this happened a few months after we came back).

I just need to vent this. I'm crazy crying for this almost everyday since I made the decision. I need a friend to be by my side, hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright but I have no one to even give me that hug. I have the support of my mother and psychiatric, but it doesn't feel the same as the physical support from a very close friend. I feel really alone since after we break up, I will basically stop seeing people on the outside. As I stated before, he is/was my only physical friend and I understand he will want to stop hearing about me for some time or even forever to go through this.

I just... Ugh... This is one of the times I wish I was born with a normal functioning brain and not having this shit.