Hey, 
I looked up safe communities that would be willing to help do a quick diagnosis without roasting me, and I found that this reddit was the first result. My question is am I a normal person with just low self esteem. This is a quick run down without including every potential traumatic experience and such just to get a general idea of who I am. 

I was born and adopted at 2 months old. I grew up with 7 siblings (half adopted and asian the other biological half was white) with a larger majority of us being sexually abused by one another willingly or unwillingly. That was the case between my sister M and I until we hit puberty then it was me who was the aggressor until the 8th grade. My brother who was my idol was arrested for sexual abuse and drugs, and I frequently visited him in rehab. 

We moved and I found myself bullied for being asian until roughly college. It's mostly my fault since I always felt like people were gossiping about me whenever I left the group. I then hung out with the losers and well you are who you hang out with. I also moved 3 times in elementary, 5 times in middle school and like 5 times in high school. 

High school was a bit better, but my mom found my porn stash that was well... mostly taboo and texts about planning a school shooting that honest to god was mostly to show off to my friends of how edgy I was. I was then sent to rehab with murders and drug addicts ages 14-22. I was then sent back to the same public school only to be sent to a christian boarding school due to my inability to readjust to normal society and my letters to the former rehab director threatening to kill his kids that were below the ages of 6. 

I then graduated and went on to join the army as a reservist and passed every test with flying colors including the ASVAB with a 91 and my GPA despite attending different schools in different states in mid semesters I earned a 3.6. I'm not a retard, but I often don't think ir forget things about things eg. Peoples feelings if I do this, why human comfort are essential to a road trip, or personal care when I pack. 

I have deployed, but I never saw combat. Now that I'm home, 2 of my white brothers have been heavily encouraging me to attend counseling after I opened up briefly about my depression and inability to find any pleasure outside of drugs, and my power fantasies. I don't trust any authority figure with intimate knowledge of my inner workings since rehab, and I'd rather kill myself then go to any rehab. 

I have acted out with a few suicide attempts in middle school, high school and only once on deployment. I was only ever caught once in middle school. For the most part, I deal with any negative emotions with the idea of flaying and eating that person alive or something equally taboo, and the power fantasy is usually enough for me to recenter myself and not act out or do anything rash. 

On the streets if you passed me you would simply find an airheaded asian who's a bit nerdy and quite goofy who is "friends" with everyone. I always feel alone and think people are planning to Carrie me, but I'm normal right? I mean I have a few unhealthy coping mechanisms and such, but I don't need Christianity or Counsoling right? I mean nowadays everyone has edgy thoughts like myself to get through the day.