I’ve suffered with anxiety all my life. Especially now in my 30s with major life changes. I’ve felt like anxiety has always latched into something whether it was making sure my food was cooked to safe levels so that I didn’t die or my bank account was at a certain amount so I didn’t feel I was going broke. There is so much perfectionism and control that I feel exhausted from it. 

My therapist has said that I should start taking a step back from the control but of course my anxiety makes me feel that taking a step back means losing control. 

My anxiety unfortunately reached an all time high when I started dating my amazing girlfriend. I went from really making sure that I was ready to get into a relationship with her to then checking and double checking if she really loved me to then checking to double checking if I really loved her when our honeymoon phase started to wear off. I felt like I put so much energy into just figuring out my anxiety and figuring us out, it took away from me really investing in us

Despite many attacks and events that have made me distant. She has still stayed by my side and I cannot trade that for the world. I want to move forward in our relationship but every big step is met with anxious intrusive thoughts to the point that I shut down

I’m not sure what more I can do. Sadly the intrusive thoughts can be so loud that sometimes I feel the solution is to leave the relationship. And I truly don’t want to do that. 

I am a little more clear now in my head as I write this. But I am so afraid of my triggers that I feel numb a lot more than often. I hope im not alone in this.

Tl;dr - anxiety ruining my life and my relationship. So over it