I feel really bad and then he comes back and I just lose it again.

I broke up w him a week ago bc we have vastly different sex drives, over the year and a half we’ve lived together I’ve been left so frustrated. How was I to know the sex would drop off to a quicky once a week in the morning?  

Anyway I am paranoid I’m being used and on top of it he won’t fuck me. I’ve been paying for our house and lifestyle downtown  through pretty unconventional means, I’m a sugar baby to an older man. We date once a week and I’m heavily compensated at the beginning of every month. Neither of us have had to work. This works for me because I can’t keep a normal job but I can look pretty, smile, and pretend to not be a sociopath for a few hours a week.

Anyway, his lower sex drive has always been a trigger for me as I perceive it as rejection. A lot of the time it actually is straight up rejection. Sometimes I can push it away, but since we’ve been broken up over it I actually can’t stand to have him in the house with me, rejecting me for sex still, using the money I earn, the car I pay for, the house, knowing that I broke up with him because we aren’t intimate enough, and still not showing me anything!!!!!

To be fair I’ve been abusive and know he doesn’t owe me anything no matter how good I look or how much he says he loves me or wants me or how many of his debts I paid off. Logically I know that his lower sex drive doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to me. But when I come onto him and he isn’t in the mood, or he stays downstairs because he knows I’m horny for nights in a row, I just fucking lose it. 

I’m struggling to find a DBT therapist in my area and it’s driving me insane. I know that I’m disturbed and that this is toxic and I need help and I feel like I just get left on hold and not called back. My whole life I was misdiagnosed and medicated and not understood!!!!!! 

How do you deal with triggers that are inevitable?????????!!??