I want someone to beat me up a little. I’m not made for this world. I have no hope for the future. I wake up feeling fine, motivated and then spiral back into this. I want stability. I get this hope,  every time I feel motivated, like I can maybe get better, but it never stays for long. Never.  I can’t get rid of this fucked feeling, and nothing helps.
Applying ice to skin, going for walks. Nothing gets rid of this burden. I think about ending it very often now, because there seems to be no other way of not feeling like this. But I want to live,  I want to see my siblings grow up , I don’t want them  to lose an older sister, it may not have such a big impact on them as they get older, but my parents will never be able to move on.