I hate this so fucking much. It's shit, I know I shouldn't feel so intense emotions over this, I'm slowly learning I'm fucking sick. 

 I get so jealous and sad over listening how my friend cried in her SOs arms, how they love and  help eachother, how he cried yesterday because of his problems. Now she's writing me because she's upset for his well-being which is fucking normal that she's uspet and wants him to feel better, but I'm here crying my eyes out because I never experienced something like this. 
And I'm so ashamed I wrote that/I feel like this. 

It's because I have noone who I can just hug when it's bad. Or just once in my fucking life. I know it doesn't solve problems but I feel like it can give you some bravery and, well, if you have someone who loves you enough to be there, there's at least something you've been doing okay. I'm sick of paying to therapists so they can force-listen to me for 45 minutes. And friends and romantic relationships are another story, I do this stupid thing where I crave intimacy and avoid it when opportunity comes. Still feeling lonely af even though I know there are some people who at least want to keep me in their lives, but I want the impossible thing. 

I'm basically just crying since I woke up, it just paralised me. I'm more or less always on the verge of mental breaktdown but I don't have a safe space to do so yeah here comes crying alone or unhealthy coping mechanisms which are keeping me alive but killing me at the same time. 
I have to force my every bit of energy to not snap back at her and to write normal things to say, to not make this about me, to provide with ideas t9 solve his problems etc. I feel like there are two parts of me but the sick part is hurting so mich right now and I don't know how to deal with it. 
I obviously can't tell her how I feel, I feel like a huge imposter right now. How the fuck can I focus on anything else if my mind is buzzing and my chest is hurting and I feel like I'm going to vomit? 
