CW: Suicide

(pretty upset so sry if it’s kinda incoherent) 

Have been off since yesterday and now I’m in the process of alienating all of my close friends because I cannot get my shit together but I also can’t be a burden to ppl anymore.

Anything remotely good I have in my life I struggle to keep or I end up destroying it altogether. On the surface level I should have figured it out, I’m high functioning, I go to a prestigious art school, I have friends and a cat that I adore. But I can’t stop feeling like I’m fucking broken and nothing I do can help me. I’ve been in therapy for the past 3 yrs and even when I seem to have improved I just spiral back to where I began. 

I can’t fucking take this rollercoaster anymore. I know there’s a part of me that’s still intact, a part that screams and begs the self destructive side of me to not do this, to not throw everything away. But I’m so tired, I’m so exhausted, EVERY SINGLE DAY is a battle and I’m sick of it. I wish I had the guts just to end it all but I even suck at that. At this point it’s just easier to let everything go and disappoint everyone around me. That’s what I deserve anyways. 

Even the things I used to find joy in feel meaningless to me. I’m an artist but I can’t stomach drawing or painting anymore because it gives me so much anxiety, I constantly compare myself to others and I feel like a fraud for getting into school in the first place. Like I just cheated my way in and the first mediocre assignment that I hand in will betray me. There’s so much pressure and the worst is logically I KNOW it’s me putting all this pressure on myself. But the only way I get validation and a feeling of self worth is if I achieve things and any other way of existing just feels like lying to myself. 

So yeah, in a nutshell I’m fucking DONE w everything . (Sorry for the rant, had to get it out of my system.)