I'm struggling quite some time now and i tried to not talk with friends about it, because some of them experienced similar stuff. They seem to do better now and as a rode back home from a small party with one really close friend, the conversation started to go in this specific direction. I hadn't talked about wanting to die for two months since today and as soon as i was alone, i realised how dumb that was to talk about this again. I mean she just started to feel better herself and instead of making her feel comfortable and let her forget all that, i make her worry again. And i fucking hate myself for that. I failed as a friend before, maybe more than i know. Yes, i haven't felt good since almost a year, I'm not sleeping well anymore and i "tried" some things. There is some pain which feels like it's eating me everyday a bit more and it makes me feel dead inside. Of course there is a temporary happiness inside me, when I'm with certain friends but making them feel bad makes my life worse than anything ever could. Every time i make a joke about my situation, i remember how stupid i am for saying these things. I don't want to worry them any longer but i have no clue how to do that. I'm really tired of trying to not show my situation while putting a smile on my face. 
I feel the urge to cut my friends off to not worry or hurt them but idk if thats the right thing to do. I mean i know that it's a dumb thing to do but on the other hand i could spare them the bad feelings and they would only be mad or disappointed. I just don't know what to do