Can someone please help me[ *19F* ] I don't know whats happening to me. 
Right now when i come back to think of stuff that was happening throughout life and i said some of thoughts i have to my friend , no one understood it. 
Im muslim, when i pray certain ayat( prayers) have to go with certain ones idk why but it's the way it is, I thought everyone thought of it this way. 
Every color is actually an emotion , i wear black a lot because its the only neutral color and I haven't actually been able to figure what im feeling for huge amount of my life. 
There are numbers that are nice and numbers that are bad , idk when i think of a number there's like more of a vibe rather than a feeling about them. 
When I don't call my grandma at night something will happen to her, it was just s thought before that I didn't wanna risk but the other day i fell asleep and i didn't call her and she got admitted to the hospital we thought she had covid but turns out it was just pneumonia. ( Shes fine now thank god) 
I always count my fingers is that something weird, my friend joked around saying are you checking if they're still there... I honestly don't know. 
I also know when i wake up i have to think of every single part of my anatomy or else I'll get hurt. 
And i have to check over my keys and phone and charger and headphones and wallet 50 times before i go out and 500 times when im outside. And if i don't check if i locked the door i get paranoid. 
Lately with this quarantine everything is becoming more overwhelming, last night i exploded 
We were having dinner at the table ( due to mu father's job he cant be with us because he is in danger so we only see him once a week when he coems to check on us but he doesn't touch) I've felt like it's my responsibility to make sure everyone follows protocol. Anyways 
We were having dinner and i put my cup upside down so the opening of it will be closed until i was ready to drink in it, my brother flipped it to pour water in it to drink it 
Idk how to explain what happened a thought after thought after thought after thought rushed through my brain, he will get sick because it was my cup.. my dad is going to die ... I've killed my family 
When i told this to my friend he said all of this didn't make sense , but last night those thoughts were so real tbh they're real but in the same time i see that they're irrational idk idk 
I didn't know how or what to do so i threw the cup to the wall.. it broke. 
My little sister got so scared i could see it in her face, i almost hit the dog and my brother could've choked 
I hurt my family and loved ones . I can't control my brain i need to stay away from them 
I'm not to be trusted 
What am i to do now
Im so upset with myself idk whats going on 
I literally harmed everyone 
My friend's mom is a counselor , he told her all of this she said it looks like ocd but she can't tell for sure. 
What's happening to me