Probably gonna delete this soon.
Guess this is just a desperate, numb shout into the void at this point.
I know how I act is wrong, I know I'm being too sensitive and angry and could talk about what's bothering me calmly and address it like an adult.

But no, instead I just snap and shout and play stupid mind games and expect him to remember 500 rules that constantly go out of date and don't work anymore because, "Well I've gotten over that how dare you think I still do that you don't even give me a chance to prove I'm better!" But then when I do get a chance I fuck it up and do literally nothing I promised I would.
Such as leaving him alone when he needs space in an argument to calm down because I've been nasty or he's overwhelmed.

Like he's abandoning me, us, our relationship he cares so little he can walk away and ignore me, literally tell me he doesn't care to my face and to get out when I follow him when I just wanna talk.

But obviously if I was calm and not raising my voice and insulting him abs saying anything to get his attention, maybe he actually would let me talk. But I'm never calm. I don't know how to calm down, he's left me alone in this state. So I threaten to break up because I don't wanna be with someone who can't be there for me.

He tells me he can't deal with me being like this and it's borderline abusive and he won't tolerate being shouted at anymore and he'll talk if I calm down.
"But I'll calm down if you fucking spoken to me you fucking asshole!" 
Doesn't usually help, but it's all I've got.

The arguments can last up to 6 hours, usually with one of us storming out of the house, maybe a breakup in there, definitely a lot of insults. I got 5 hours sleep before work because the one last night lasted up until 2am.

I know how I'm acting is wrong and we should both get some space to calm down but if he just storms off I go apeshit because it's so rude! But even when he does try and tell me I still lose my shit. It just feels like taking time apart is such a waste of time and what usually happens is he calms down, I do barely, then when we get back to talk I'm set off almost immediately.

I ended up flapping at him last night. Basically smacking his body to get him to go away. I'd hidden his phone so he'd talk to me because he wanted me to leave him alone and didn't wanna talk to me so was scrolling his phone.
It was a phone I'd given him, my old one, so I felt within my right to take it. He'd even tried hiding under the blanket to get away from me and hoped I'd leave him alone. I didn't.

I'm just so ashamed, guilty, exhausted to the core. I'm so angry with myself. I know better than this. I knew in the moment it was wrong. But it started by him trying to take a sharp knife out of my hand and I went apeshit because you don't do that! I could have slipped and I could have been hurt but getting an apology for that was like pulling teeth because he'd immediately stormed out.

But I had been snappy and being kinda rude up until that point and so difficult but I still stand by that was wrong and he should have immediately apologised for it. But he just wanted to get away from me by that point and be left alone.
Obviously that didn't happen. 
I'm a fucking failure of a person. I keep trying to leave him because he'll be happier without me but he won't let it happen.
Despite everything he was still saying he loved me this morning, needing a hug, I couldn't say it, I couldn't do it. I just left early for work.

I wanna stay out in town after work and just not tell him, I don't wanna talk to him all day (unusual for me), I wanna ignore all his messages and just not care anymore because it's too much.

Sorry for the rant. I'm struggling.