Hi everyone, I really hope someone has some suggestions for me. I can feel the pressure building inside me, my stomach is in knots 24 hours a day and sleep is pretty much non existent. What is happening? Well my ex husband after I was a stay at home mom for 14 years and he's been aware of my mental health since my first suicide attempt at 16. We became friends at 10. Anyway, it was fine for me raise our children when we were married, but now that we are separated, not so much. 

He is trying to take them from me completely, involved MCFD (Canadian version of Social Services), told them he always thought that there might be something going on with my mental health, but now he's sure of it..... What a crock of \_\_\_\_\_\_. Well I guess I got too close to beating him in court so him and my oldest daughters (16) father firstly moved in together and joined forces because apparently I "had my turn" now it's their turn. They also set me up for an assault charge. While I will say assault is assault... what happened was my ex husband was hiding around the corner of the house videotaping while my daughters father baited me with everything he knew would trigger me and set me off. I swear no one can get me as worked up as those 2. Anyways he was pretty much laughing in my face and taunting me refusing to return my daughter's birth certificate. I have never in 16 years laid a hand on him but I just couldn't take it. So I slapped him. With an open hand. And they charged me with assault. Hmmmm doesn't sound like a set up at all.... 

Well my ex husband has decided these methods are not enough so he's been systematically destroying me financially so I have no choice but to hand over our kids. It started with reporting me to disability, then he had me audited and I now owe $10,000. That also removed a $1500/month payment. Next every time I file for something in court, his lawyer just adjourns it, so my claim for spousal support is going nowhere. Not only that but neither father is currently paying support. So here I am, a wife &amp; mother for my entire adult life and also never made more than $20,000/yr. Basically not only has he put me in  a situation where I am in danger of being homeless, but his recent actions are threatening to push me over the ledge. 

He was supposed to give me $800. I am in school to be a Private Investigator and he swore he would pay it so I could make Christmas happen for my 3 kids (16,15 girls &amp; 10 boy) as well as buy food etc. I have the kids for Christmas morning as well this year. He knows how this money was to buy the kids some gifts, buy what's needed for Christmas dinner as well as everyday groceries etc. 

He refuses to pay it. I swear he's done this so the kids have nothing on Christmas morning with me and then go to him and have all these gifts and look how great dad is! 

I have never felt like a bigger loser in my life. I'm pissed at him for doing this, I'm pissed at myself for believing him and I am absolutely devastated that there won't even be stockings for the kids. I can feel myself moving into an episode because right now my focus is solely on this. And the closer Christmas gets, the more intense the pressure is. I can't find a way to bring myself back down as I know how incredibly sad these 3 kids are going to be. I didn't think he could do this to his kids, I was wrong. My kids deserve a Christmas. They have been caught in the middle of this battle and pulled in so many directions. My 15 year old has mental health issues, suicide attempt at 13, cutting, etc. 

Nothing I have tried is working, distracting myself only lasts for so long and then I go right back to berating myself for being such a pathetic loser. The knots in the pit of my stomach   are getting to the point that it's actually making it incredibly difficult to do anything, because I'm either feeling like I'm going to vomit or my body just wants to stay curled up. So much panic in my chest, I think bordering on hysteria at this point. These kids are my world! 

I hope someone has something in their arsenal that can help me through this. I am very quickly moving into "the kids would be better off without me" and that scares me. 

Any tips or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.