I have had my up's and down's. I know life goes on whether we include ourselves in it or not. Having someone close to me pass away really has thought me to evaluate life and death. I have tried to end it...... it involved 2 cars running me over and me surviving. I'm sitting in my car after visiting my brother at his grave, its been 10 years since he took his own life and it still hurts just as much as the day he left us. I have a family, I have loved ones that are hurting because of my decisions. I have a s.o. that is hurting because I can't find to ground myself. She doesn't understand  why I am the way I am and quite frankly neither do i............ I do feel that I have tried my best to change but maybe the effort isn't were it is suppose to be. I recognize I am depressed and can't help it, hopefully I am spared and given the opportunity  to see another way.