I'm gonna spare some details because I'm a little paranoid that somehow he'll find this. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship since high school, well before we were legal adults. We turn 21 this year. He's been with me through everything, he's my best friend, I love him so much. 

But I'm really not happy.

I (internally) nitpick every behavior, all the things that brought me to him originally when we were teenagers. I've started seeing how he can do some messed up things without even being conscious of it. He keeps delaying going back to therapy. I pull away when we kiss, I don't like being touched, I have panic attacks during or after intimacy. 

I know for my own health and growth I need to move on. I've come to peace with this, too. I'm talking to people, going out with friends. I'm establishing and trying my best to stick to a hygiene routine, I'm watching shows that aren't *our* shows, being creative, cleaning my space. I'm leaning into my spirituality. 

But this fucking sucks. I love him so much. It's unbearable how much this hurts. 

I'm not rushing the breakup. I'm allowing myself time to process and feel and ready myself for the inevitable. But I have made up my mind (I think). I can't keep wavering like I have for the past year (we took a day long break last fall). I keep being told that when I know the time is right, I'll know.

The thing is though, he doesn't know. He might have some inkling that something is off, but I don't think he realizes what's coming. And I feel so guilty over that. Do I just continue as I normally would, spending our time together, acting like nothing is wrong? Do I continue as I have this past week or so, distancing myself and conveniently having other plans when he's free? I'm so sad right now and all I want is for him to hold me while I cry into him, but I now feel guilty asking for even the slightest favor, even though he's still my boyfriend and is extremely willing because he's an absolute sweetheart. What do I do to keep myself together during this pre-breakup-breakup?

&amp;#x200B;

I can't even talk to my mom about this. The last time we broke up she was devastated. Cried on the phone to his mom. This is too hard.