I honestly have no idea what's going on in my life right now. I'm a freshman in college and to be honest i am failing a good few of my classes, and i think its because I've started to get depressed, i don't know why but I haven't been able to do anything I enjoy either. I love to draw but i haven't in a good few months and that just makes me feel even more guilty- I'm supposed to like it but i just can bring myself to do it right now. My cat is living in the dorm with me as an ESA, supposedly to help and he was for a while; i love that he's here- but things just obviously are going how they are supposed to. 

But besides that, by all means I should be doing great and i think i am, the majority of the time I feel fine, happier than usual and even earlier this year. I'm on medication for my diagnosed disorders and i was doing well up until now, I've been promoted to manager at work, i finally have a few friends again, my boyfriend and I are about to meet for the first time in january, after nearly 4 and a half years so by all accounts this shouldn't be happening. 

 But for some reason my coping mechanisms have been spiraling to shit. I have social anxiety and excoriation disorder and those have been under wraps pretty good but these days they've been replaced by something so much worse and I don't know why. These new shitty habits have nothing to do with what I've been diagnosed with. Ive started to become a bulimic, id say for the past week or so, to the point that if i feel remotely full i have to throw up or else I end up feeling genuinely sick. This is a completely new habit and i don't think it has too much to do with my weight, I am overweight but not incredibly and that's not typically what's on my mind when i need to throw up. I dont know what is or even how I started doing it it just happened? 

Now a habit that i recently relapsed into is self harm, I personally dont think i ever stopped since my picking does get to the point of bleeding but ive started to c/t again. It has literally been 5 years since I last did this i have no idea why I'm doing it again. I will say I've been doing it on my leg vs in the past where i would do it on my arm (i personally think it was for attention back then but i have no ones attention to gain right now) 

I have a doctors appointment later this month and i have literally no idea how she's gonna react to this news, I was doing so well the last time I saw her. I dunno man- honestly I'm open to advice if anyone has any or hell even just someone else also in a similar situation-ish just enough to know that im not going completely off the deep end by doing so shitty when i should be doing great.