So I'm Bipolar one. 

I found out almost a year ago now, feel like I was born with it. 

Looking back on my life Mania wasn't uncommon, but nothing so severe as what I went through last January. 

I was so fucked up, and during some acute Mania with accompanying psychosis and hallucinations I said some really stupid shit to a lot of people I care about pretty deeply. I ruined several friendships forever. 

I did what I could. I apologized and took responsibility with no guaranty or expectation that I would be redeemed or forgiven, that's all you really can do when it comes down to it. Some people I left alone cause I know they don't want to hear from me at all. 

The point is I used to be everyone's rock. The guy people would turn to. The man to trust in my niche little circles with sensitive shit. Over a week I became an irate, hypersexual, drug inhaling, wrecking ball of giddiness, dread, and anxiety; then I was locked up in a psychward, an experience that I will say however neccesary was frought with unnecesary suffering. 

Ever since people don't look at me the same. People don't trust me. And why fucking should they? I'm not saying they're wrong. I'm not arguing that I don't deserve to face consequences (before someone takes the most bad faith point of view they can from this, cause reddit). I'm just saying that for me personally this is what I hate most about Mania. 

When I think about the hurt I've caused. When I think about the person I used to be I get quite melancholic. I'm so different now, in ways I find unexpected. 

I'm a lot more real atleast, I used to be somewhat insincere. But ya know what? Im also way more cynical, and very very cold. Use to be warm, used to be optimistic. 

I write this as I experience a mixed episode, not sure whether to try and sleep finnally or keep downing the coffee. I've deleted my social media, and haven't paid my phone bill. All I have is discord and reddit. It's taking everything in me not to talk to anyone about this. I've made new friends online, joined communities around my hobbies, and I can't fuck it up. I need a fresh start, I just want to be worthy of peoples respect again, and I can't let them down. 

Wish I could take it all back. I gladly would.