I have a ton of baggage.  A ton and i have past reasons to hate.my life and to struggle. Pretty sure i am mentally ill. What made it worse today is that my partner doesn't want me to get a laptop because she doesn't want me to play video games at work....


Okay let's put everything down to dismantle her opinion. 

1. She was okay with me upgrading my GPU, getting a second monitor, upgrading my pc in general, getting a PS5 and in general with me gaming.

2. I don't neglect my responsibilities despite gaming being my addiction, or closest to an addiction.  Sometimes i have days when i don't game because there's literally no time as work, chores, her, physical health are more important. 

3. I have a ton of different hobbies not just gaming. 

4. She is studying now and soon i will start too. We have only one computer and we need two. We might need to study at the same time.

5. If I'll get a laptop sometimes I'll game on it regardless of what specs it has so why not go for something newer. Money aren't an issue. 

6. At work i need my own laptop if i want to study in my work time as we don't have enough computers for all staff and me locking one with my studying will ruin other people's ability to work.

7. Sometimes at work i got nothing to do. Like today i spend 7 hours on netflix or on the web surfing so I'm going to waste time on a screen anyway.  Why not having actual fun? (I read books too but i don't like being constantly interrupted) i wouldn't neglect my duties at work. I would just game after my shift or when i literally got nothing to do and my.work.its done. I'm not a child. I'm a manchild....

Now i asked at work if they can provide one (doubt) so either way i need to get one. Found one really good and missed on the offer because of her opinion 

Now i feel so miserable because she doesn't understand that i use gaming to ease off my pain, my stress and I'm going through a hard time as i am followinf this diet to lose weight so it makes me more mentally unwell and i feel the need to game more and chill. Tomorrow i am supposed to go to a board game club after work. I think I'll go to kfc then drive to a secluded place. Eat kfc and cry in my car until evening.....

I know i am spoiled i got almost anything a man could want at my age. Literally i am only missing a VR kit, steering wheel for racing games, shit ton of board games and airsoft gear. 

But i just wanted to get on and find a good laptop because i need it anyway.... fuck this. Fuck my life. I hope i can bite the dust tonight and not wake up in the morning. Gaming is the only thing that can make me move on with my life and study/work/do my chores. Its the only incentive to keep going otherwise i can die right here right now. Is it that hard to understand that i have a mental health issue and i have a coping mechanism that i use?

I don't know.what to do. What would you do in my place? Mental health in UK.sucks.  video games helped me the most.

I used food in the past but for.my own sake i am not using that and i am losing weight.  Can't work on cutting down all my coping mechanisms or I'll go insane.... 

Anyway thanks for listening.  You can delete this now.