Seems like every 3-4 weeks I get hit with a wave of depression, it comes on like a freight train. I have lost friends over the past  few years, socially withdrawn and now when I talk with nearly anyone I have a stutter from the anxiety. My brother stopped talking to me, my former roommate ghosted me for a year while I was still living with him. I truly don’t know what I did to deserve this.

I’m seeing a therapist, but as I’m uncovering more unresolved trauma with her it seems like my entire life has been one trauma response after another. I started getting medicated again, but I’m putting on weight and my sleep schedule is wrecked.

I just feel so, so low. I am chronically fatigued (I have Crohn’s disease), I can’t handle intrusive thoughts and nightmares. I feel uncomfortable everywhere. I have suicidal thoughts but I know I won’t go through with it. But of course that becomes an intrusive thought too and plays on repeat.

I didn’t learn how to regulate my emotions or talk about how I was feeling as a child. I internalized everything and carried it all with  me to this day.

I have good things going on in my life but I am just watching them happen from somewhere way inside. I can’t make decisions and I can’t focus at all.

I cry every day. I feel like I don’t have the energy to do things that I know will help.