Hey.

I seek advice and support. I'm quite sensitive and intense person, but I've managed to build some boundaries over the years. Sometimes I feel I have to bend those boundaries in order to let people into my life again, but everytime I do, I get hurt and rejected. Everytime I manage to build self-worth, it's pulled back into the dirt, after repetitive failures to develop deeper and loyal friendships. 

Again, after cycles of trying to get to know people, getting hurt, withdrawing to heal and trying again, I've become very lonely. Last I had a long-lasting friendship was more or less 10 years ago. I feel I'm just interchangeable to everyone... nobody wants to bond or if they do, they turn out to be abusive or shallow. Even in the art and hobby communities I'm contributing to, I'm constantly overlooked and dismissed... I don't want to be center of attention all the time, but I wish I actually mattered to someone and they showed it, by being there for me. 

Over the years of loneliness, my self-worth is just... gone. Destroyed by failure. And my balance has gone with it, even if I try finding time to heal in the middle of hectic daily life. And I've started to resort to more jealous and clingy behavior, which happened just recently with someone I grew to like. They didn't give back as much as I gave to them, I let that be... but then they lied to the very end of the relationship, which made me lose all sense. This person knew I don't like lying and would appreciate clear communication (I had asked "where this relationship is going?" and they got all dodgey), yet they did it anyway! They even tried to humiliate me, but I angrily called them out and cut them off... but I still got vindictive and obsessive because of the earlier shit. It hurts even more, because they KNEW I'm lonely and wish to develop long-term friendship.

&amp;#x200B;

Now, mind you, my moods didn't change rapidly, but they were intense. Usually there was some tanglible and practical reason why my mood changed around them, ie whether they let me down or wanted to meet, what they did in a way that impacted me or didn't. But gosh, when we cut each other off because this person just lied to me, I got so jealous and obsessive, something that hasn't happened with many people. Especially when this person found a new friend they were giving a lot more commitment and attention than me, regardless of promising me all that. I know this person was never good to me and never will be, but still... why am I clinging like this? I wished it to last, I acknowledged it was only self-delusion from my side to expect them to return that... but even knowledge doesn't help managing my emotions without becoming intensely vindictive about it.

I feel like loneliness and repetitive failures to find friends to build loyal and real connections with, have made me an emotional wreck. I can't find satisfaction in neither work or relationships, and I don't have much time for hobbies... 

I'm just.. lost, looking through every resource normally directed to BPD for self-help. But is there anything these self-help resources wouldn't be telling me? If you can give me advice how to not lose my sanity with all this failure, please let me know.