I have bipolar I. I took some caffeine pills yesterday morning because I was veering towards the SI side of things. They worked too well. It's now after 3 AM and I'm still completely wired. My fault, I know, but I was having disturbing thoughts.  


My old therapy office decided I was too unstable for them, so they transferred me to a new clinic. Which did not refill my medications on time. I refilled an old Depakote prescription from a previous doctor so I have that, trazodone, and buspirone. I'm two weeks due for my antipsychotic injection and several days in withdrawal from oxcarbazepine.   


In addition, I'm terrified of going back to see my new therapist because in only the second session with him, I told him about my taboo intrusive thoughts. I skipped Tuesday's session with him and ignored his phone calls.  


The weekend started out with such good intentions to commit to recovery but now I'm in a tailspin. I'm terrified of ending up back in the hospital or worse, actually going through with something bad. 

Please, if you have any wisdom to offer, help me.