I've been trying really hard to get help and everything,  because I knew I used to be a Trash person. I lost all my friends and now that I have them back again, I'm terrified of opening up again in fear that I'm gonna hurt them or they're gonna leave.

I've been considering self harming again, I've been clean since October besides one slip up that I don't count. It's been really hard and I wanna talk to someone but I don't want to get shoved with more meds - my current meds aren't even doing anything except giving me severe withdrawal when Im late to taking them- (17 people from my med doctors office got Covid and we haven't heard from them since then) and I also don't want them to worry.

I guess I mean they Should worry because I'm not doing so hot but literally no one knows that. I've told my boyfriend once or twice but I always end up going back to lying and saying I'm okay. I'm really not but I'm not sure who to even tell.

Weirdest part is I'm not talking to my counselor much either. We talk every Thursday on a meeting and I keep it short and tell her about daily things like how my pets are, but she doesn't know about how my - now ex - girlfriend ghosted me, talked to me again, we broke up, she said that we will date later, it's just hard for her now, then ghosted me again and I haven't heard from her since and that's what's fucking with me. (I met this girl in 6th grade and we planned a future together. Still were planning in between the ghosting)

My counselor warned me about her I guess so Im not admitting to her being right. I just don't wanna hear her shit.

I've not told anyone about anything. I outright refuse to speak to my mother about my social life, cause she's always an asshole about it (by accident.) and God, I can't even imagine telling her about thinking of self harm. She'd either shit her pants, or just push it off. I'm still stuck on shoving everything down and I don't want to but, what if I hurt other people?

I'm scared of showing anything. I can still remember the day in health class where I told everyone I was starting to feel happy again and literally everyone clapped cause they were proud. I've made some scenes in that class, crying, I've even yelled at the counselor in the hall, and once came up to my teacher with a razor blade from a pencil sharpener asking for help because I didn't Really wanna hurt myself. It just felt really good knowing they were proud of me, so I just get angry when I don't feel happy. 


-Disclaimer on giving input, I'm a 14, almost 15 year old girl who has been formally diagnosed by a medical professional with BPD. No need to worry that I'm some self diagnosed edgy teen. I'm open to anything though. -