I think I've gone through a million almost break-ups with my boyfriend of 3 years at this point, mostly because my bitch-ass can't make a decision to save my life. I love him so much but I'm also deeply unsatisfied. At this point, I'm almost certain it's 100% me and not a problem with him. I've gotten a few crushes while we dated and asked for an open relationship because I thought that's what I wanted. Well, it's not lol turns out I'm unsatisfied no matter what. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be happy.

This happens in other areas of my life, too, as well. I jump from friend group to friend group but never like anyone enough to stay. No matter how many friends I have, I get easily jealous and feel left out, or feel like I don't have any/enough friends. I've switched my college major 3 times and I have absolutely zero interest in any of them or any majors, or anything, really. I also have strong feelings for a best friend. I think I'm getting FP infatuation confused with love, but I can't tell. Is it just my bpd brain idealizing someone or is it real and honest love? All I know is it's been about four months and I can't get him out of my mind. I've never fallen in love with someone else while in a relationship, and it both feels like absolute shit and further proves that I'm forever going to want what I can't have, and hate my life because of it.

I'm tired of feeling every emotion at high intensity all the time. Today alone I went from extreme anger to crying over how hopeless it all is to feeling empty/depressed, and now I'm a weird mix of overly anxious and hopeless. I want to cry all the time because knowing I'll have to deal with all these feelings for the rest of my life is daunting and depressing. The pain is endless and no one can save you and I don't know how to save myself.