I’ve recently found myself in a bad to good placement in life. 
Self sabotaged (went about expressing myself wrong) myself out of a band I was working on putting together for a good year or so, into a band that’s doing really well before we’ve even dropped our first single. Have people wanting to hear the song, have a bunch of shows/festivals booked, EP planned and the whole year set up. Something I’ve always wanted. 

But. I kinda fucked up at practice and my overthinking has been pushing me back into old habits since. I’ve been working really hard at not doing the same thing as always, but today I opened my mouth in the chat too much about my issues (my common trend). It wasn’t as bad as it usually was in the past, but this week could defiantly have given me some bad luck. 

I’ve been hyping this band up to everyone, a bunch of people know about it, if I fuck this up I’m probably going to delete my Facebook again or something drastic to hide from embarrassment. 
I hate this. I hate that I’m like this. I never asked for this, I never wanted to be this way. I’m working on getting out of my comfort zone, doing things I’ve avoided for so long, but if I fuck this up idk what I’m going to do. 

I really just want to be understood, my first band really did my dirty and I haven’t been able to move on and be the same since. I self sabotage every good opportunity I get and I just want to stop and be understood. I understand it’s a lot for people to take, and it’s overwhelming but I don’t like this either. I don’t like having the need for constant reassurance, I don’t like that every other day I overthink if I’m a good fit or if I should run. I’ve run away from so much and this is something I feel is really meant to be. But god damn. 
I hate that I’m like this. I came off strong to start, got their respect, and I feel it fading from how I’ve been. I don’t get social cues either so that makes this even better. 

I really hope this works out and I don’t fuck up this good thing again. Any advice is more than welcomed. 

TLDR:
Falling into old habits and really hoping I didn’t ruin another really good thing.