Just like the title says she went out of her way to try and learn about this disease we share. Firstly she said she went to some support forums for mental health where the only sort of suggestions they gave her were to run away from me. She says she would never but of course my rotten apple brain tells me that's actually good advice. I'm older and not wiser now. I can't afford treatment or therapy currently. Imagine going to a forum asking about having an SO with BPD and them telling you to run away fast. I keep telling her they're right. I told her tonight that she should run while she can. I believe I'm no good and she'll be happier without me.

I make her life miserable and she probably can't understand what she did wrong. Secondly she reached out to someone that she knows I wouldn't want her talking to because he's married to someone with a similar affliction. It set me off because I'm such an untrustworthy and terrible person I immediately freaked out on her. I assumed the absolute worst of her because of course I did and the situation got worse. It's a couple weeks later and I still feel this way. I'm pushing her away and I'm watching myself do it and I can't stop myself. I had such a horrific upbringing I have absolutely zero coping skills. These are not excuses for my terrible behavior but just observations. I'm drowning in my own head and I can't escape. I don't know if I'm venting but I know I need help from people that have been through this.

TL;dr
I'm making my SO feel horrible and I don't know how to get out of my own head.