I'm not where I want to be. I got an expensive degree, couldn't find a job with it. Had a shitty job for a few years, the only job that would take me that wasn't food or retail. Left that job for a chance at a new shitty job but completely different (potential) career path. End up loving my new career path but can't move up. Didn't expect to find myself stuck doing the same repetitive task years and years after graduating from a great school with a high GPA. Either I was too slow when they gave me a few chances at something higher level, or they're sexist. They would rather train the next idiot in line to do the non-dummy tasks. My place of work seemingly rewards laziness, uneducated men that drink and drive, men that constantly check their phone at work, and men that fall asleep on the job and show up 2.5 hours late. I do everything right and still fail. Management jumps at the chance to train literally anyone else but me. I constantly ask for training and even go to school and train myself on my own time. A very toxic person once told me that he never tells people what they want because they can use it against them. He is right.

My mom has been stuck in a nursing home for around 3 years now. I feel bad for her. She is suffering. Nursing homes are some of the worst places on earth. A prison. I could probably afford to buy her an entire year of good-ish care. But selfish me thinks..."But what if I need this money for my own emergencies one day?". She does have health insurance. Her whole pension gets sucked into the horrible nursing facility. You need to be making like (probably) 400K a year to get actual good nursing service. I live 450 miles away. Enough to get there in a day, but I don't visit anymore. The good times are gone. My grandparents, all dead. The cats, all dead. Parents, divorced. All my stuff got thrown out when my mom moved to a nursing home after her first or second stroke and then the rent wasn't getting paid anymore. All my artwork and awards from high school thrown in the trash by strangers. Dad lives in a tiny apartment and he isn't "all there". If your daughter is coming, put your Playboy books away. Put a shower curtain up in the bathroom. Put a sheet on your bed. Get some non-mutilated blinds to shield from the loud, busy street. The grandparents' houses are sold. My parents own nothing. No cars. No house. When I have visited, I got a hotel room.

Some people go away for college for the life experience. Others do it because they need an excuse to leave. If you can't keep a nice house for your kids, they might leave. I left for both reasons. I didn't know how bleak it would be.

I'm still somewhat young, but I spend most of my time by myself. I don't feel I have a hobby or anything I truly enjoy. I thought my job was my hobby, but management kills my dreams. I still have a lot of social anxiety, of which medication hasn't helped. I never learned how to connect with people. I have the same two friends from high school, 450 miles away, who are now married and are likely much closer to each other than they are to me. I barely text them unless it's a dumb meme every 3 or 4 months. One sends me postcards. I know they still care about me, but the distance makes me feel like I only know the "old them" and not who they have become in the past decade.

I've worked very hard to become more attractive over the years, but the acne has stayed with me through it all, even Accutane. Now I have wrinkles forming aside my acne scars and my fresh acne cysts. Painful and sometimes on my lip edge. People likely think I have Herpes. Not that Herpes makes you a bad person, but it has a stigma around it. Having small boobs bothers me less than it used to, but it is still frustrating, and women's shirts never fit right. I have just enough as to where I need support and don't want to appear braless, but wearing one makes me so uncomfortable and they don't fit my shape. So uncomfortable just being in this body.

Aside from no hobbies, I haven't had a real sex drive in like 7 years. Nothing feels good like it did when I was a teen. I like the closeness of sex with my boyfriend, but more for the intimacy than the fact that it's sex. Also, I thought men didn't want to get married anymore in the present day. Wrong. I know people getting married left and right. There's something wrong with me and everyone knows it. No one I date wants marriage. I suspect that my boyfriend wants me to move in just so I can pay rent to him. He really loves money. I think we do love each other, but I'm never marriage material for anyone. I accepted this, but it's hard to swallow every damn day.