I don't normally post, but I feel so alone with this and I don't know what to do. I (23) was diagnosed with BPD when I was 16, and since then have gone through intensive treatments and therapies, and in the early days for a few years was on a million meds until I stopped in 2017. I had made progress with emotional regulation, but if I'm being honest even the good times were rocky with dissociation, anxiety, and depression. But I had made progress, maintained meaningful relationships, graduated college, stopped self harming and abusing drugs and alcohol.

A few months ago it seems like any skills of emotional regulation I learned and built up disappeared. My anger scares me. I can only imagine how it makes people around me feel. I know I am deteriorating the important relationships around me but I can't stop and it is gut wrenching. I know they don't know why I can't stop, I don't either, and I don't know how to communicate how painful it is. Especially when I know they hurt too. And I know my family knows this cycle and that just fills me with so much grief and regret too. I can't go to them with that because I'm the one causing it. I'm drinking more again, and relapsed with drugs last month. Self harm a little before that. I told my partner about those things and it caused a lot of fear and worry and they are always trying to help and remind me not to do stupid things like that. And I agree with them. But I am always thinking about killing myself, about drugs, trying to figure out how to find them, and am filled with such intrusive thoughts. But I can't have talk about it with them. 

I feel like I don't know what love is anymore and I question if I ever did. I know I probably did but am forgetting because of how depressed I am maybe.
I have a partner, and I know I'm hurting them too. In ways they don't deserve. I don't remember what love feels like. I think I hate myself so much that when they started loving me I started distancing myself from them. 

I am so suicidal but can't tell them or my family because I know it is manipulative. I want to self harm but I don't want to be manipulative. And i dont want to put that on them, what could they do or say? I dont know exactly why but i wish my partner would break up with me. I dont want to break up with them but they don't deserve the chaos of my mental health and anger. I haven't wanted to kill myself like this in my adult life. It's too much. 

I feel like the way I feel and see the world is so skewed and fucked up and I don't understand it or myself and it hurts so much and I don't know how to make it better or where to go or who to talk to. I wish I could die on accident on purpose.