
I dont know what to do. My mind is permanently occupied with him. I cant get him out of my head and no matter what I do, he is just there in the background and it keeps hitting me several times a day that he is gone. Not coming back. And it feels like someone is stabbing my heart with a knife every single time I think about it. I dont feel like this about anyone but he was literally my entire world and my motivation and purpose. When he called me beautiful it felt like I was floating, no one elses words meant anything to me but his. And he told me constantly, but I had to fucking ruin it like I always do, I made him lose his feelings due to my fucking personality disorder and made him not even want to say it to me anymore. and now I dont know how to cope and move on. It hurts knowing he has probably already moved on and he is happy not having me in his life, I dont know who he is talking to and maybe someone else is getting the best of him that I want so much to be mine. In the end, I had fucked up so much he couldnt even talk to me properly and I felt resented and it was mental agony every single day knowing I turned our love into him despising me. Like I am torturing myself by thinking about a thousand different scenarios and how unbothered he feels and how I overexaggerated my role in his life, and I realize people cant mirror your love to them and everyone shows it different. if people were rain i am drizzle and he is hurricane 


How do I forgive myself? I am fucking useless and shouldnt engage in relationships because when I have everything I want I just have to break it. 


I can usually split and move on from people easily after break ups but it feels impossible and I dont even wanna picture myself without him, it hurts so much its just insane and I dont even remember last time I felt like this about losing someone


Im just so fucking convinced he was something truly special because I never felt like this before and now he is gone. i fucking dream of him

CONSTANTLY every single night

tonight i dreamed that he had reacted to a message and when i woke up i checked and it was so heartbreaking 

ive never had dreams about anyone several nights in a row, its both nightmares and good dreams


feels like i lost a part of myself, a part of my world, and the love of my life, and i cant cope


https://youtu.be/OMaxB6lKSUU