What’s up everyone? I’m kinda nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I’m having a small procedure done that involves my heart, and there is risk of heart attack, stroke, infection, etc, although rare and unlikely depending on the skills and experience of the doctor. I’m just hoping something happens that takes me to the afterlife. I’m pretty tired of everything…tired of trying so hard for everyone else, trying so hard to be understood, trying so hard to find love, and tired of giving myself away. All my life, I’ve sought to be appreciated, loved, and cared for by others, yet I have terribly failed as I have nothing to show for it except my poor health. I’ve been going through a lot of stress, for a while now, and it seems my heart continues to suffer for it. I am expecting heart failure at some point, reason being my health has declined significantly over the last few years, mostly due to relationship effects. I am hoping that it happens though. I would like to just finally sleep and rest. I’m really only at peace when I sleep. During the day, it’s nothing but aches, pain, frustration, etc. I don’t really have a lot of desire to stick around for my family, unfortunately. I’m just too disconnected. I’m trying, but I don’t think I’m worth saving. I’ve been going to therapy for a while, I don’t think I’ve made much progress, rather, I’ve come to realize a few things I hadn’t noticed, simply because they were pointed out to me and I was oblivious by the effects. I want to be better, but that requires time and patience, something which I don’t seemingly have, nor do I have the support to make it through, because what I have now is insufficient. I’m too exhausted. It’s hard to get out of bed every day, it’s hard to accept the fact that I’ve failed so miserably at life and had to do most of it alone. I’ve done everything I could to care for others, to provide, to support, and yet, I can’t support myself. Even my body knows I can’t support myself. Despite the medication I take to help relieve the problems I deal with, both physical and mental/emotional. My body has one too many deficiencies and it’s all because I fell apart due to love. I’ve done what I can to be healthy, exercise and stay in shape, but inside, I just can’t hold it together. My body wants to survive, but my soul has long fallen and left. I have too many imbalances in my health. My depression has got the best of me. Technically, I’ve been out of my last relationship for over 3 ½ years now. I’ve only been in three relationships, although one of them resumed after a short break. Of the three, my last one was most special to me (not the last person I was dating, the third separate relationship), but I was never really able to have a normal relationship, as the circumstances were not normal. For a while my depression was on hold as I had the chance to look after someone very important to me, who was also one of my prior relationships, except this person is also a significant source of my poor health. It takes me a long time to get over my relationships, and I’ve already accepted I’ll be alone for a long time, perhaps die before I even consider having a new relationship, but I seem to suffer a lot because I can’t get over the past. I can’t get over the fact that everyone has all these wrong thoughts about me, not all of them, but most of them, because they fail to look within, as in, reflecting on themselves and understanding their role in everything that’s happened in my life. It’s as if they simply cast judgement while denying themselves any part in this. It is truly astounding, but I can understand as that is how most people are. I also can’t get over how terribly I failed at being understood by the people I cared most about. I loved beyond a doubt, yet, it was insufficient, and it all fell apart, and in my new love, there was not enough time to grow together and have any deeper understanding of each other. Yet, in the few months that I spent looking after one of my prior partners, we grew a bit closer, only to be denied the chance to be understood once again and cast aside. Which, again, is understandable, as I shouldn’t have expected anything less. I had only hoped that I could at least fulfill my promise before parting ways, but it still frustrates me that I cannot clear myself, or clear any confusion she has as she is firmly set in her beliefs without validation. The one person I most cared for in this entire world, refusing to clear the air with me, refusing to understand everything in its entirety, refusing to have all the answers before her. I have to live with the fact that she will never know what was true and what was false, and have wrong ideas/conclusions about me. It absolutely breaks me, because I thought she had known, that I would have done anything to take care of her for the rest of her life, whether as a lover or a friend, or even a stranger. I would give the world for her, yet, I have already risked everything I have, my life, my future, my livelihood, and she could not see that or understand my sincerity. I must have truly been a terrible, terrible person. I thought she was different, I thought she was the only person who would have the patience and kindness to understand me. I was so wrong. She allows others to speak for her at times, which is fine, because sometimes we cannot find our own voice, but, when it matters most, I could not hear her voice, I could only hear others speaking through her. She is beyond my reach, I can’t do anything, all the power lies with her, yet there was nothing to be done.  It's like risking everything isn’t enough even to have one full conversation. Offering one’s life just isn’t enough. Yet, I know that this means I should not have any feelings for this person anymore, nor should I hold or reserve any sentiment as it has been awfully clear that I am scorned. I let myself fall deeper into darkness, because I just want to be overtaken by my pain and leave this world behind. I just want my heart to give up already because I don’t care anymore. I’m no good for love, I’m no good for this world, I don’t belong here and I won’t ever be good enough for anything. I hope the doctors discover something awful in my heart and I have limited time to wrap up my personal affairs, or I need an open-heart surgery and it ends with my death. I tired of this. I’m tired of being made a fool. This is not what I sought in life. I can’t even be at peace. I can’t even think straight. I just meant to write a short post about my heart issues and my procedure but damn, I’m really frustrated right now. Because of my last relationship, I refuse to open my heart to anyone else. I refuse to start a new relationship or hook up with anyone. I don’t believe in love. I refuse to let anyone hurt me again. No one loves or cares for others like I do. Nobody goes to the lengths I go to make others happy, and take care of others. I refuse to love anyone again. I hope I die now, while I’m young. I can’t stand the thought of getting old and becoming more bitter than I already am and then dying more miserably. I just want to disappear now and leave this terrible world. I don’t belong here. I’m ready for the afterlife. I just hope she gets everything she wants in life; she deserves everything. I wish her nothing but health and happiness. Let’s just hope this procedure ends with my death, that way more people will be happy I’m gone.