I wasn't aware of BPD during the time and didn't know I have it up until I saw a therapist.    Thinking back, I don't know how she dealt with my dissociating from time to time, my outbursts, my impulsiveness.  I had thought it (my behavior) was normal.   I don't know how she tolerated my hesitation to go out with her friends.  One moment I'd agree to it, then the day of I make excuses to not see them that leads to a fight.   One thing I do know, is that I loved her, possibly still do, and that she loved me.

But that was almost 3 years ago.

Before breaking up with her, I had an FP I talked with endlessly via text.  Never met my FP before.  I knew about my FP.  She has BP, not entirely medicated, and does recreational drugs.   But one day we decided to hang out, like after texting for years, we decided to hang out.   We hit it off.  I cheated on my ex.  I continued to cheat on my ex with my FP.  So, I broke up with my ex.  Thinking back, was it just being compulsive.  Was I just having an emotional outburst again?

Ironically, it wasn't until the therapist that I realized the ways I hooked up with my ex were clearly signs of BPD.  Suddenly falling in love so fast, asking her to hang out at 3am and thinking it was over because she didn't respond to my text, writing her an email that I'll never see her again because she didn't respond to me at 3 in the morning.

I also realized I didn't want to see her friends because I was always paranoid of what they thought of me.  Little responses from them triggered me into thinking they didn't like me.  Same things would happen at work.  Little by little I keep realizing, after the damage had been done, that it was just my BPD.

Now, having been with my FP for quite some time, I still find myself dissociating.  Home doesn't feel like home.  Like something is missing.   My FP isn't perfect, in fact, she triggers me quite a bit.  And I realize I regret breaking up with my ex, because I still love her.  I realize knowing her friends was kinda a good thing to have.  Knowing her family and having possible in-laws may have been a good thing.  But I can't find myself trying to contact her to ask how she's doing.  I can't forgive myself for what I've done.  And I think it would be weird and I'd be paranoid to see her friends and family again.  I'll keep being paranoid.  And I just feel so much more lonely now than I ever did before.