Hi there, so this post is going to be kind of long to explain the situation. I will leave a **TLDR** below (if you do comment and only read the **TLDR** it would be a huge help if you leave a mention)

So I started a new job in April of this year. I just moved to a new city at the end of 2021 without knowing anyone (even longer story I can explain as well to give more background but for now I'll leave it out mostly other than to say I moved from an abusive situation with family to a whole new region approx. 10 hours away). I am dealing with untreated mental health issues, trying to get out of the depths of depression, SI, etc. Have lots of anxiety, agoraphobia etc. Since I've started this job I have called out of work sick with a bogus excuse like feeling sick etc. but it was for mental health reasons. Depression is really bad or anxiety is high, having a melt down etc. and just can't get myself to go in. I feel awful and guilty about it and I haven't been able to properly talk about it with anyone at all except my partner and vaguely with one of my coworkers who is more of a friend but we only see eachother at work. She would end up telling the other coworkers about it out of trying to clear my name and get them to understand and not talk shit about me. I've gotten a lot better and haven't called in to work in a while but last week I called out 30 mins before my shift because I spiralled into anxiety and depression and panicked and called in saying I had a last minute doctors appointment which I could tell they knew was bogus right away. They asked me to come in anyways later in the day because it was super busy and they needed me to complete some tasks. I ended up going in later and finishing some but left one task that was needed for the next morning. It was super shitty of me and I felt awful the whole time.

I had the day off the next day so when I went in on my next day I came in with the intent to apologize and try to explain myself and be honest but I ended apologizing and asking my friend if the others were mad at me and they straight up told me the truth. No one was mad but it was a reoccurring thing. I was obviously lying about why I wasn't coming in and they were telling the others that it was about mental health. They thought it was shitty and that I was just trying to take a day off whenever I felt like it. I tried to explain I was struggling and I understood it was shitty and not fair but they said because it kept happening it wasn't an excuse and showed that I didn't care because when  I was out of that state I wasn't using my time to make sure that didn't happen again/find a solution to the problem. I tried to say that my issues were really debilitating and that I was really trying my best to find a solution but I didn't know what to do. I am currently in the process of getting a doctor, seeing a social worker to do that recently because I don't want to be like this and be a burden. Because I tried to explain myself they told me that I was deflecting and making excuses and that they all deal with mental health too so it's not an excuse because they all still come in with their issues and they're honest about it.

I felt so invalidated and like such an outcast and horrible but I guess it is my own actions that put me there. I wasn't honest because I didn't think I could be. I know it is only me that isolates myself from other people because I am afraid of being vulnerable. I am still learning how to be vulnerable without over sharing and being too much. I've been quite absorbed in my own unhappiness its become all consuming and I'm treating everyone around me like they've already decided they don't like me and that I'm just mentally ill and worthy of their friendship. This is something I've done as long as I can remember. I did this in kindergarten. It got worse as I got older and I became a depressed and cynical teenager. I ended up saying that maybe I had been selfish to my friend and then I went home and spoke to a few other people for advice and they said that they weren't being fair to me. Telling me that I'm not handling my mental health well and there was a better way to do it while also saying they understood. So I ended up texting my friend that night saying that what was said hurt me. I didn't think that it was cool of them to tell me I'm not handling my mental health productively. and she got very upset with me and said I was being dismissive again, they had not been mean or attacking, they didn't tell me I didn't care etc. (all things they did do) and I got very triggered because I felt I was being gaslit and I have so much trauma with that with my family. and it just spiraled into the next day and we worked together and it was so awkward and I felt like an outcast because everyone was on her side. No one was mean to me but they all looked at me disapprovingly and like mostly chatted with themselves and left me out. I wanted to die but I kept my cool and got through it.

**TLDR -** I've called out of work more than 5 times less than 10, in a 5 month period because of mental health reasons but with a bogus excuse and my coworkers and friend are upset with me, told me I was not handling my mental health productively and that because it keeps happening and I'm not being honest about it, it shows I don't care and expect everyone else to cater to me.

I guess the advice I'm looking for is how do I remedy this situation. What is the right thing to do here? What is your take on this?