CW: SELF IMAGE / SELF HATRED, suicidal thoughts, eating disorder

i am so, so tired. i've just been prescribed lamictal which has helped with suicidal thoughts but i just am so tired of waking up every day and fighting the monster that my mind has become. the body dysmorphia sub on reddit is extremely, extremely triggering and any supportive content on there is mostly weight/ eating based. i have struggled with EDs and obsessive thoughts about my weight but i have been battling severe hatred of my face for so long now. i've always had BDD and extreme obsession with my appearance but my face and skin has become the focal point of these issues for a little under a year now and it's become too much for me to handle.

i feel like there's no support for people going through this issue because there's nothing we can do about our face. it's not like exercising to feel better about your body or dying your hair to feel better about a bad haircut. it's not like i can pay for facial reconstructive surgery. i am so fucking tired of looking at my face every day and i'm sick with self hatred. i can't do anything for 5 minutes without thinking about how much i hate my face. it hurts so bad to have to go to the bathroom and force myself not to look in the mirror because i know i'll start crying. i am so scared of the sunlight because i hate the idea of my face being visible to anyone. i'll catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a window or blank TV / computer screen and start crying. when anyone looks me in the eye, even my parents, i start tearing up and have panic attacks because i cant handle the idea of someone looking at my face. i have to do meetings for work sometimes and can't focus on anything because i'm too busy thinking about how ugly i look on the zoom camera. 

i go to therapy and i've been seeing a psychiatrist as well but nothing and no one is helping me because i literally can't be helped. no one can possibly understand the degree to which i hate myself because there are no words to describe it. i am obsessed with how much i hate myself. i spend hours, HOURS every single day looking at old pictures of myself when i was happy and felt pretty. i try to go on social media to distract myself and all i can think about is how all these people, whether they're conventionally attractive or not, are normal and healthy enough to have the confidence to show their face. 

i can't even put into words the pain that i feel every day. i'm just so, so fucking sad, i don't think i've ever been this sad in my life. there are no words to describe the pain of not even being able to meet your own gaze in the mirror. everyone on this planet deserves at the bare minimum to be able to like themself, and i feel like i'll never have that. i have this passive desire to just not be here anymore because the pain of living through this every day is so fucking difficult to live through. i have no one to talk to and i'm left alone to bathe in my self hatred all day every day.

the worst part about it is that i dont want to hate myself at all, i don't want to feel this way. it makes me so fucking sad that i'm only 23 and ive missed out on so much happiness because i've hated myself in some capacity since i was a little girl. i want to love myself and accept myself, flaws and all, but i simply just don't want to look like this. i feel like a hideous monster and i just wish i had a different face because i can't handle this anymore