TW SUBSTANCE USE/SUICIDE



So hello this is my first time posting here and I’m not entirely sure why I feel compelled to share besides my life crashing yet again so thanks to anyone willing to read this. Just as a preface I am diagnosed with BPD, DPD and SUD for the past 3-4 years. I’ve really never had my life in order for any significant period of time. It’s always felt like a cycle of 2 or 3 months where I’m actually doing what is necessary to be a functional/stable person and every time I end up doing one thing no matter how little that evokes old behavior and shit just goes out the window and I end up even more fucked up than the last time. But this last time hurts a lot more because I really didn’t think this was going to happen again. So earlier this year, I attempted to unalive myself by intentionally overdosing but luckily was found and revived. After that they asked if I wanted to go to rehab and I had no place to go to so I went, got through withdrawals, got back on my meds and started seeing a psych and therapist again. I got out after 6 weeks actually feeling pretty optimistic. The rehab set me up with a sober living community, they helped me with employment and worked around my schedule. After a couple months, someone I spent a lot of time with at rehab told me she just got her own place and asked if I could come by so I went over, we ate dinner and were watching something and then she pulls out a bag and asks if I want any. I kinda just zoned out heavily for I’m not sure how long but I then realize she’s handing it to me. So I relapse and stay the night there. I realize that my living situation will drug test me and kick me out so I’m freaking out about it and she asks if I’d want to stay with her. The reason I kept space from her after rehab was that she became my fp in there, but I figured I’ve already fucked up so why not. So all this happens really fast and I quickly regress, lose my job and my health again. Yesterday, I was having intense abdominal pain and ended up going to the hospital to find out I have a kidney infection. The dr mentions drugs in my system and tries talking me into going back to rehab. I should’ve done it right then, but now I’m at the apartment doing what I always do. I’m not sure how I will pull out of this one. Thanks to anyone reading and if you’ve got any suggestions or input or hopeful things I appreciate it.