That was never a diagnosis of mine to begin with. Ever. He’s a new-ish doctor because I’m in a country where mental health isn’t quite accepted or talked about, and I was bounced around by a bunch of doctors who didn’t want to deal with the foreigner. But that’s a different story. 

So everything seems fine, I’ve been on 100mg of lamictal and it’s helped a ton. I know that’s on the low end but I don’t feel the need to keep pushing if this much has helped, plus I’m on Wellbutrin.  Doctor told me last time to just keep going with 100mg and see what happens. 

Well, a few days ago I went for my refil. It’s like he was a different person. He just mutters some thing about how I’m not bipolar, heavily implying that I shouldn’t even be on meds but never outright saying it. I basically have to beg to stay on it. He has only seen me in recovery stage, and I don’t cry or have tantrums in public anyway. I admit, I do look very normal in public, but he has an entire record of all my past meds and issues and even hospital visits from self harm. He just keeps saying how I “don’t have symptoms of bipolar.” I KNOW IM HERE FOR BPD. is he implying I’m abusing meds...? But why would someone want lamictal?? It’s not Xanax or something that can be abused. Why would he doubt me so suddenly? I’ve felt really good lately and so that means he should take away the thing that has made me feel the most normal I’ve ever felt in my entire life... ok....?

So I leave, a little shaken that the best meds I’ve ever tried might be at risk. In the pharmacy they try to give me a 30 day supply of 25mg. Woah. I did not read the prescription when he handed it to me, why would I need to? So I waited in the pharmacy for two panicky hours wondering if he just lowered my dose and didn’t fucking tell me, while they tried to get ahold of him to straighten things out. Either he did it on purpose and changed his mind when confronted, or he just doesn’t fucking care and made a huge mistake because he wasn’t paying attention. Both are bad but come on.... now I’m just a mess, he will only give me a month at a time still. Is he planning on taking them away from me? 

I’m going to talk to my therapist (she is fluent in English) and ask her to please intervene... write me a letter, something. I don’t want to risk having to go off lamictal. I feel like a different person, one able to think clearly and stay calmer instead of blowing up at tiny things and... I don’t need to list what you guys already know lol but all of my symptoms have been so muted lately and it’s unbelievable how much better I feel.  I just needed to vent... I don’t have many people who know everything and I’m sure they get tired of dealing with my crises. Thanks for listening if you got this far.






