TLDR AT BOTTOM. Hey ill probably delete this later, but i really want to hear about you guys and what you think of my situation. 

So i found out i had bpd early this year. As soon as i got diagnosed it explained so many things i had been doing for years. Early this year i also had a huge falling out with basically everyone important in my life. I got deep into drug use, drove everyone away, and basically had a melt down. 

Part of what was driving everyone away was all my problems i was seeking help for. At that time, I had an FP that really (but very briefly) helped me open up and try and face my issues. Part of what he got me to do was to open up and share my feelings, something i never did in the past with anyone really. I struggled with depression long before the diagnosis, but didnt share with anyone really. 

So i began to reach out to my closest "friends" for help, and they told me they wanted me to be open with them about anything i was going through. I guess at some point it became too much for them, and they ALL began to drift away slowly. Obviously i noticed, and got very upset with many of them for abandabandoning me. It felt like the only *me* they wanted was the light hearted fun me. As soon as it became apparent how serious my problems were, they were leaving me with no problem.

Now, ive reconnected with a lot of them, and have gone back to bottling it all up. I never share ANYTHING, with ANYONE, literally EVER. It sort of allows me to just shove everything back deep down inside of me and never face it. But now that i know how it feels, even if i only experienced it a couple times, to have someone comfort you and care for you, its eating me away inside. The annoying thing too is that they all come to me with their problems and expect me to listen and care. But mine didnt matter at all. 

I feel like most people like me because of how i make them feel. Im extremely easy to get along with and people are always comfortable around me. I think people become addicted to the kind of confort i give them through my friendship. It constantly feels like im being used. Theres all these people who claim to love me for me, but i cant tell a single one of them any of these feelings that are crippling me. Its making me so numb and like im gonna explode. 

Im basically just a fuckin clown. I have a therapist, but ironically that makes it worse. Besides anxiety, my biggest issue is loneliness. Knowing i have to pay someone to listen to my problems makes me feel so much worse. I just wish i had someone who would because they love me. 
Any of you guys feel like youre in a similar situation?


TLDR: i never share any of my feelings literally ever to anyone  and just continue to shove them deep inside because i know no one truly cares