Hey! This will be a longish post but I need to get it out...  


I'm 26 and f and I've only recently been diagnosed with BPD and it's been a whirlwind few months trying to wrap my head around that diagnosis. I was admitted to an inpatient facility for 2 and a half weeks and was diagnosed with sensitivity ASD, ADHD, binge eating disorder, BPD and Bipolar. 

Just over 12 months ago my wife and I started trying to have a family and we fell pregnant the first try but unfortunately lost our angel at 8 weeks - we then went on to have another miscarriage 2 months later and that was when my entire world started to fall apart. I had a complete breakdown. 

Feeling so lost, out of touch with who I was, battling the grief I was drowning in I (now what I understand as) split. I split completely from the only person i've loved in 7 years. I stopped caring about her, about myself. I started to drink excessively and started to experiment with drugs (i've been anti drug my whole life, this was completely out of character). I broke up with my wife and started to give my affections to other people, people that didn't matter. We've been back together for 6 months but my mind and affection still wonders regardless of the deep feelings I have for her. She's my FP.   


I've been trying to find who I am, because all i've been for 7 years is my apart of this relationship where i've lost all sense of who I am, what I want and what I need. I've realised that I might be polyamorous...my wife however is not. I know that if I want to pursue that, she will no longer be in my life. Does anybody have the greatest fear that their FP will leave them but also have the need to be able to give more than one person love and affection in a different manner? It seems so contradicting to me and I can't work it out in my head.   


I'm unsure if this will make a lot of sense to anyone? It doesn't even make sense to me but any kind of input would be greatly appreciated :(