These notes are from my venting file which i created when i was 12 years old, i open it once in a while and update the file. as of today i will turn 19 years old in 15 days.  


I have officially hit my darkest point 

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And now I have slipped into that abyss that I was scared of falling into.....

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my dad hates me .... He told me that i dont matter and i should try to survive outside in the real world and not in his protective bubble but thats the fucking problem... i never asked him to be overprotective, i never asked to be shielded from the world. and cherry on top my dad is a pedophile and watches child porn.

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My mom is a whore , she sleept with soo guys and I have the evidence , photos , call logs and other data to prove it but she is my mom. and i wouldn't mind her doing this if my parents were separated but they are in a happy marriage but still my mom choose to be a bad person. 

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People look at me and just see a 14 year old boy ..... I feel like I'm 50 (mentally speaking)

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I have seen my mom do this shit since I was 13 , my dad is addicted to losing money in the stock market 

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My sister is in mad love with some asshole who is the worst person I have ever known

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My brother is failing his exams 

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My smaller sister is not growing up and nobody knows why

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Another smaller sister can't study ......

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Obviously these are like my dad's brother's kids not my mom's kids , I am the only child to my parents ... Maybe that's why the hate on me is soo focused 

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One of my uncle has got like family problems , like the wife cheated on my uncle with a preacher.

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The other uncle doesn't have money and has a drinking problem 

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i have files on each one of them including all the crimes they committed .... adultery, illegal drinking, black market deals, viewing child porn.

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Then there is me .... With all the problems in the world 

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And I am not playing the victim card..... For the longest time in my life I have tried hard and good to fight my way through everything and rise but finally I am beginning to cower 

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My family always taunted me for being left handed , I won a drawing competition at the age of 8 with my right hand and proved them wrong 

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I am a very absent minded person and people called me retard for that and I won a cubing competition and shut everyone up 

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Everyone said I couldn't do sports so I ran a wholeass marathon and also won a skating championship

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Many more achievements .....

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But then at the age of 12 I realized it's not about proving people wrong because no matter if you are Elon musk or a homeless person on road .. people are going to point fingers and say shit so I stopped giving a fuck 

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Let's talk about my love life..... My first love at the age of 8 I don't even know if I can call it love but it lasted for years and then the dad of that girl commited some crime and the whole family has been missing ever since , then I had a special person in 9th grade and she went missing too.

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So love life has also been too fucked ... I wish I just had breakups and rebound like normal people but life said FUCK

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Personal life ..... As I mentioned above my parents are literally too fucked and I keep everyone's secret so personal life is fucked too , I may have achieved a thing or two economically speaking but in terms of family and feelings my bank is empty

Today I had a moment of weakness again 

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Hey notes app i feel like a retard texting in a fucking app but i don't have anyone and my girlfriend is sleeping so here we go, I'm having a panic attack this shit is really bad, i wanna fucking die everything is getting worse by the second i can't take it anymore, but if life throws shit at me imma FUCKING FIGHT BACK TILL MY LAST BREATH 

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Hey it's me again today is 9th March last i typed here on 28th Feb, just came here to say that it was a happy few days, my dad yelled at me again in the worst way possible and now i wanna shoot myself in the head.

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i dont know why but the more time goes the faster its going, first i used to feel like i have some control over life till a certain extent but i don't feel like i have any control over my life anymore.... every second i breath i feel like i am being suffocated, everything is do is being controlled by my dad, i cant talk back or do anything FUCK EVERYTHING IT HURTS JUST TO BE ALIVE, every passing second is a curse to be alive and the only blessing is her. every morning i wake up happy with hope until its killed by my dad and that whore cheating mother, every night i sleep with the thought of me shooting my brains out and its splattered all over the wall.

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my thoughts are getting more and more disturbing everyday.

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she is the only reason i am alive but even she seems distant these days, its like shes fed up from my depressive complaints all the time and honestly i dont blame her, i wish i just died but i dont have the guts to kill myself.

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my dad bent the metal pins in the trimmer then blamed it on me and when i told him that he did that not me... he got mad and yelled at me soo much, my mom takes his side cause he has high bp and apparently i make him angry

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i maybe too far gone at this point. death seems inevitable... not natural death, more like suicide.

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my dad and mom constantly mentally draining me by saying the worst possible things, my will to live is slowly diminishing like an old light bulb... i know i won't burn bright after some time and stop working. and i dont blame the constant procrastination on my parents. that is my fault but what i do blame them for is turning me into the person i am today. not allowing me to make friends while doing what they desire, controlling every aspect of my life, i went to my project partner's home just for 20 minutes and i got yelled at by my dad for half an hour. it is genuinly hard to survive, mentally i am practically dead.

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every day the constant urge to kill myself is growing.... i don't think i can fight back any longer.

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as of today, it was another successfull day fighting suicidal thoughts. i dont know how long i can keep doing this,from the last 7 years everytime i wake up i am reminded by my parents that nothing is going to be okay.