I have always had a very on and off relationship with my mother. She has seen the worst of me. She also is perhaps the only person who has actually inspired me to be better and mend certain parts of myself. All being said and done, I am very very attached to her. I love her with an intensity she neither understands nor accepts, I don't blame her at all. I know I should stay away from her for the good of both of us but can't. 



She has been thoroughly abused herself, first by her parents, then her husband aka my monstrous troubled father. I used to ask her to divorce when I was younger, I don't anymore. I know she won't leave and I now know leaving isn't easy. What however increasingly irks both me and my sister is how she keeps defending my dad. 



It's incredible,  absolutely incredible. This man hit her, humiliated her innumerable number of times, treats her like trash. Walks all over her, forces her to work when she's v sick. Basically an object, that is what she is to him. And when she almost died last August,  he refused to call a doctor 'because COVID and it's not really a big deal' . He always created a huge fucking deal whenever my mom wanted to visit her parents. Not this time tho. Very conveniently,  not did he only let her go but actually stay over there for 7 months. Totally not to escape the cost of her treatment.  



Everything that has been done to her for years, she has simply forgiven and forgotten. She keeps defending him against me and my sister. She and her parents hateeeee it whenever I point my dad out. They blame me for every fight, every act of violence inflicted on me by him. They remind me he cannot really be blamed because I am not a 'very easy person either' while they give in efforts and act docile to appease The Man™️ . Yesterday, after she arrived after months, the first thing he did was humiliate and degrade her again in front of her parents. I was about to protest but they shut me up and begged ME to not cause a scene???? Today I tell her I don't want lunch and she spends an hour screaming at me. 



She is comfortable being the victim. I mean, someone who says that it's okay if her husband hits her because he earns and he is older....she is okay with being the victim. It's her comfort zone. I can't do anything about it. I can also see now that she resents me. Sure she loves me, but absolutely not the way I love her. It's weird but I feel like I am in an unrequited love situation with my mother. 



I have realized that I need to distance myself. I need to let her go. And I need to put my foot down and cut off my grandparents who have enabled this abuse for decades and continue to back the monster up. But how do I do that ? How do I let someone I love so much and wanted to save so bad go ? How does one just stop loving someone ? How on the other hand do I cut my grandparents off who supposedly love me, just not enough to do something about The Man™️ ?