 

I have diagnosed MDD, severe anxiety and PTSD. Although I was diagnosed with MDD at the age of 9, i was showing symptoms even before then.

**I'm at peace with this decision. I don't want sympathy, I don't want any of that. I just want people to talk to. I've never gotten anything in life, so I hope that a few people will fulfill this dying wish. Hopefully I can find a few other people that suffer from depression as well, and maybe I can help somebody before I leave this world behind.**

My entire life has been nothing but shit. I was born to an abusive and alcoholic father, a psychotic mother, an overzealous grandmother, a grandfather in the Klan, and an uncle who was just completely crazy.

The older that I got, the worse that things became. My dad would hit me and call me horrific things, so to escape this reality, I got into computers at just three years old, and this has been my escape until recently.

At the age of six years old, I started getting heavily bullied in school. I've always been a kind and charitable person, and people either took advantage of me until I had nothing left to give them, or I was bullied violently by other kids.

My dad would do really bad things to me, he hit me in the head with a bad (age 9), used his car to tear down my treehouse (also age 9), chase me around the house with a BB gun (age 10), try to stab me multiple times (age 11) on top of a lot of other things.

The house my dad lived in was right next door and owned by my grandparents. They were blind to everything that he did to me, said his alcoholism and drug addiction was a sickness, and did everything they could to encourage him, while ignoring all of my pleas for help or even going as far as to punish me for telling them what he did to me.

The school system just pretended they didn't even have a bullying problem in their schools, telling everybody I made it up because I had ADHD and an overactive imagination, going as far as to force me into special needs classes in the 7th and 8th grade.

Mom ran away from home when I was five and left me to fend all by myself. When I was 14, my mom took my dad to court over visitation rights, won the right to visit me, and basically kidnapped me after visiting her the second time. My mom, as I said, was psychotic, and my stepdad was abusive just like my dad was. He didn't get quite as violent as my real dad did, but where my dad would only beat me when he was drunk, my stepdad would beat me constantly, saying I needed to 'toughen up' and shit like that.

However, during that time, I met my first and only ex. I met a girl there and talked to her for a few weeks before we started dating. I've always been Asexual, but I've also always craved a relationship. Something where I can make my partner breakfast in bed when they're sick, smack them in the head with a pillow when they're not looking, build pillow/blanket forts with, watch cute shows for hours on end, etc.

We dated for around three weeks. She held my hand, would pat my head, play with my hair, call me stupid and cute names, and even kissed me one time. A few weeks later, though, she just randomly came out and said she didn't want to date me anymore, and had found somebody else. I was traumatized by that, but my brain was still developing, so I wasn't as mentally fucked by it as I would have been later.

I moved home when I was 15 and the same thing with my real dad started again. I even had to drop out of my Senior year, because my sister went to prison, my dad had to take care of him, and I had to protect my two-year-old nephew from my dad when he blacked out. I'm a pacifist, so it usually involved him just kicking the shit out of me, but it kept my nephew alive, so I'd gladly do it again.

When I was 17, my ex had been in a horrible car accident, and was diagnosed with Amnesia. However, I didn't find out until I was 20. I added her on Facebook, told her who I was (she didn't remember me, duh) and we got along great. After about a month of talking, she said she needed a new computer to work from home, as this was the height of the vee-rus (don't want to get autoblocked for saying the word). At first, I went to a guy I frequented for computer parts on eBay, but he was out of stock of prebuilt computers at the time. So, of course, with me being an absolute moron, I said if she could drive the hour to come see me, she could have mine. She came and got it, we talked for around fifteen minutes, and she left.

The very next day, she messaged me on Facebook, said that I was a manipulative psychopath, and blocked me on everything. That pretty much caused a downward spiral that I never truly came back from. Up until that time, I had spent my life hoping I would find a relationship, or even a friendship (my friendships never lasted for more than two weeks, half of the time because they stabbed me in the back, other half because nobody ever taught me how to talk to people). After that, I just started hoping that maybe, just *maybe*, humanity wasn't as bad as I thought.

Then.. The thing in the east happened (word filter, so I'll give you a hint, it starts with Book Rain), and everybody showed just how much of a psychopath they were as a result, so I've just decided to.. Quit.

I'm at peace with this decision. I've already got everything planned out. It will take several weeks to get the handgun I ordered, but I've already planned it out in detail and length. I have no friends. I have no family. The only person that would know I was even gone would be my employer, and he would just assume I quit because my job completely sucks. Nobody will care when I'm gone, and the way that I've planned out my departure from this world, nobody will be traumatized by my death either.

**So.. Any questions?**