I’m going to try and list everything I think is wrong with me.

• I always had social anxiety so human connection is almost impossible for me, I don’t even talk to my family much. 

• I have bad trust issues with people and idk why. Nothing horrible or traumatic has happened to me ever. The only “traumatic” thing I can think of would of is being circumcised as a baby. 

• I always have a empty void in my chest/soul. Idk how to get rid of it.

• I have horrible self hatred. I always blame myself for everything I fail at. I hate myself because most of my problems are just me.

• I got body dysphoria. I don’t take pictures of myself. I rarely look in a mirror. I’m hyper concerned about my looks and body. I don’t even like my voice so I stay quite.

• I self harm. I assume it’s to punish myself and feel something I’m not sure.

• I have emotional numbness. It’s so hard to genuinely smile and laugh. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t fake it.

• I’m unintelligent. I’m HORRIBLE with numbers. I can’t do basic math let alone the harder stuff. I cheated all the way through high school because social anxiety gives me a fear of embarrassing myself, so I do anything to avoid those situations. 

• Loneliness. It says it all, I never had friends and any romance in my life. It sucks and hurts so bad. I wish I could move past it, but I can’t. 

• Depressed. I’m not extremely depressed to my knowledge. I can function normally... I guess I’m more afraid of confrontation then being depressed so I drag my feet and push through it. I’m always exhausted though even if I sleep a good nights sleep. 

• I’m lacking empathy but at the same time still love. I’m very aware of this so I do my absolute best to feel for others and help people. The truth is I don’t really care about anyone or their suffering, I just don’t feel sad for them idk. My mother (survivor!) had cancer and I didn’t care or feel anything when she had it. Family died and still felt nothing. 

• I push people out of my life. Every time someone tries to be with me I pull away until they leave me alone. 

• I self isolate away from society. I could stay in my house for weeks if I wasn’t forced to work. That’s the only thing I do other then stay home.

• If someone is nice to me I get attached to them  so easily and strongly. Even though I pull away and hide away. I still strongly and deeply love that person who simply said “hi” to me. I wish I didn’t have that attachment because I hurt myself with it every time. 

• I fake my personality because I don’t even know my true self anymore. I’m not sure who I am. My personality will shape shift to align with others so they can like me. It’s kinda interesting tbh. 

• I’m fearful that I’ll be alone forever. I’m also terrified that if I do find someone special they will die too early. Basically giving me a tease of what life and happiness could be. 

• I’m scared of having kids and passing on all my faults and weaknesses.

• I have no career passions. I’m so indecisive and fearful of failure that I don’t even want to try and go to college. 

• I don’t take care of my body. I hurt myself all the time, I over eat or under eat, I don’t drink water much, I don’t exercise, I don’t see doctors. 

• I refuse help from everyone. This one is crippling. I’ve never asked for help before. I never asked help from a teacher before in school so that’s why I’m so dumb probably. I won’t seek mental help idk. 

• I feel like an utter failure and I’m hopeless that I’ll never get better. 

• I’m pretty sure I’m suicidal and not sure if I will keep going much longer. I always think about death and dying. Ways to kill myself. Things to say to people before I do it. I already sorta tried to hang myself, but stopped before it was too late.