I’m 21. I have suffered from anxiety my whole life. My parents have said that since I was a little kid I was terrified of dying. That I would stay up all night not being able to sleep because of it

I suppressed this for a number of years. Until a couple of months after my 18th birthday when the realisation of my mortality and shortness of life hit me hard. 

Since then I have suffered from anxiety for many things. Since starting university I am constantly scared of my grades, failing, the consequences of me failing, my parents hating me, being alone, ending up homeless etc.

It’s gotten so bad that I have thoughts of harming myself sometimes (though I would only ever do it to try and escape and not because I want to die at all)

Recently I have felt so disconnected from reality all the time. Sometimes my anxiety just fades away and I am unable to bring myself to do stuff like my assignments

It’s like reality doesn’t feel real anymore. I’ve lost all sense of who I am, what I want to do, what I need to do. I can’t physically bring myself to focus on everything around me

I always forget things. I forget to eat, I forget to brush my teeth even when I swear not to, I forget to take my medication and then feel anxious of if my doctor/parents find out

My dreams have become so vivid that most nights I feel as if its real. I wake up in the morning and am almost shocked that it wasn’t real.

I will set alarms and swear to get up at certain times and then in the morning I just won’t care and go back to sleep

I will hate myself for it later but in the moment I just didn’t care. Same with making plans to eat better. I’ll buy apples and yoghurts to try be healthy and then they’ll sit in the fridge for weeks because i just forget

I’ll go to kfc for tea even though I swore not to, was scared what will happen because I’m wasting too much on it, but In the moment I just don’t care. My feelings of anxiety about it just disappear

Then 3 months later when I realise how much I’ve wasted I’m suddenly terrified again

I don’t know why I’m like this. The only emotion I ever feel is fear and sometimes even that leaves me and I just feel nothing 

I want to get therapy but my family is poor and can’t afford to send me and as a student I can’t afford it either

I’ve asked so many times for referrals or signed up for counselling and been made to wait over half a year.

By then I reach brief moments of reprieve from my anxiety. But in these moments I just make mistakes again without noticing and lose the ability to care when I really should

I keep thinking I’ve escaped my anxiety but in reality it’s like I’ve just pushed all emotion away

I want some kind of diagnosis because I know it’s beyond just anxiety at this point. My brain just doesn’t work like other peoples. I’m sick of hating myself but something stops me from seeing my mistakes until it’s too late 

I need help but the health system just doesn’t care here. If I’m not actively trying to kill myself im not a priority. I’ve even had thoughts now of harming just to get the attention from the doctors and be taken somewhere where I will be properly noticed