Today was a major trigger for me. I’m pretty positive I failed a major final exam that was going to, in a way, determine my future (career wise). Did I study? Yes. Properly? No. Which is no one’s fault but my own. I’m aware of the ways in which I self sabotage and I hate it, and myself, with a passion, but I’m not actively taking the steps necessary to make a positive change in my life (or at least not anymore).

I’ve been dealing with mental health issues and disordered eating for around a decade now, and this time, I’ve really reached my wits’ end. Due to my mental state &amp; drugs entering my life at 18, my grades from high school to college plummeted, and I’ve transferred colleges a few times now, only to end up at a school where I’ve never felt so alone. As a result, I’m watching everyone around me succeed and those I started college with nearing graduation, while I’m digging myself into a hole that I’m honestly not even making much of an effort to get out of. I’m just so exhausted from dealing with my emotions and myself.

I’ve decided I cannot do this anymore. 

I’m simply not cut out for this life. All this emotional pain, for what? I treat people around me better than I treat myself, only for karma to reward me in the shittiest ways possible. I’ve had enough. And I don’t see any way out of this besides killing myself. 

I’ve already been hospitalized twice, only to have my parents be extremely angry with me (mostly over the monetary burden it caused, as my insurance - that my parents pay a lot for - actually pays for nothing in regards to mental health) and hold a grudge about it, even ‘til today (the last time I got out the hospital, they told me they were done with me and wanted nothing more to do with me. Out of anger, I suppose, but there’s obviously some truth in regards to how they feel, hidden within their statements). So, inpatient is not an option. Towards the end of this past summer semester, I began seeking counseling through my school, only to have them refer me elsewhere after 5 sessions because they were “not equipped to provide the necessary resources” I “need” to get proper help. I reached out to the cheapest option on the list a couple weeks ago, only to be told that they do not have openings for therapy right now and won’t until earliest mid-January. So, therapy isn’t an option. I don’t have anyone in this city that I really feel comfortable opening up to, as none of my actual friends live here. 

Here are my options: (1) continue to over share on my “close friends” story as some sort of outlet, but never actually talking in depth about how I feel, so essentially continue to suffer, or (2) end my life so I no longer have to feel this way.

However, I have some reservations about suicide. My few closest friends have already told me that if I were to die, it’d really fuck them up. That’s in addition to my mother who said she would die from sadness if I killed myself, and before she would die, I know she would make the life of everyone around her a living hell (more than she already does). So, the suffering of my friends and family would be my fault. Also, isn’t death extremely expensive? Not to mention, I’m stuck in an apartment lease that doesn’t end until July 2020, and I’ve racked up ~$2,500 in debt from emotional spending (that my family has no idea about, but I’m slowly trying to pay off). Who’s going to pay for those if I’m gone? So there I go again, being a burden to my family (mostly my dad who basically pays and arm and leg for my existence). 

But, what do they expect me to do? One of my best friends already told me that I trigger her every time I talk about my mental health. So, apparently, but ultimately not surprisingly, I’m triggering. Therefore, I can’t even call the few friends I do have, because it’ll just make them feel bad. My parents ask me what’s wrong every time I see them, and get angry when I don’t say anything, but the few times I have told the truth, I was met with even more intense anger and long lasting resentment (African parents, go figure). My “support system”? Nonexistent.

Before anyone tries to hit me with the “you’re so ungrateful”, “so many would kill to have your life”, “your bills are taken care of, stop being a brat”, etc, etc – I KNOW, OKAY? I’m fully aware that I am blessed that I grew up in a family where money wasn’t usually an issue. I could be a refugee, or a religious minority facing persecution in China, but I’m not. I get that. And I’m thankful for what I have. But that doesn’t negate the immense emotional trauma that I’ve experienced throughout my life as a result of my parents (my mom, mainly), my former partners, &amp; some that I once called my friends. Hardship is relative to one’s existence. And right now, my head is causing quite a lot of suffering.

I want to do it a week from now. Because this weekend, my older sister is graduating from her graduate program and our family has to go out of town for it. She’s been through a lot during her life, so she deserves this to be a happy time for her. But, Christmas is around the corner, and my younger brother &amp; dad’s birthdays are at the very beginning of January.  My death would obviously taint those. Would that be too cruel? I feel like it’s a stab in the back, then also twisting the knife just to make it worse. But I’m not okay, and don’t foresee myself being okay anytime soon.




TL;DR: A trigger has brought up intense suicidal ideations. Therapy/Inpatient isn’t an option, due to monetary issues. I have no support system. But I have empathy, and killing myself during the holidays and right before a couple family members’ birthdays seems too harsh. What should I do? Any insight is welcomed.