I dont expect anyone too read this I just remember when I was younger that i always felt a lil bit better when I wrote stuff on reddit so ill try it again.
This is probably gonna be a long one.
Im just gonna write some thoughts down that are going frew my head.

I just fucking hate this existence, im 20 and I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life, the only thing I got is the gym wich i go to 5 times a week but It doesnt even really make me happy, it just gives me something to do, like i found a pic of me from 1 year ago and i still look the same even tho I put so much effort into training and i just base my whole life around it, its the only thing i think about all day and I still look so small, I have thought about hopping on steroids and I probably will at some point but im just too much off a pussy right now.

What also annoys me that im still a virgin, i know its not like I cant get laid anymore im only 20 but I just know i would never get the courage to actually talk to a Women and even if i did id just fumble the bag cause I got 0 experience in human interactions, I havent had friends for about 5 years now like actually 0 friends and even the friends I had in school the only thing we did was play pc games wich was just such a waste off time, I didnt even have fun playing games but it was just so easy too sit on my computer and play for like 14hours a day, time just flew by and It made me forget all my problems while i played, it was like a drug for me.

I blame my family a lot for what I have become but I think i got pretty good reasons for it, the first time I ever told anyone that I had suicidal thoughts was when i was about 12 but literally nobody gave a shit, nothing changed, my mum cried for a bit but that was it, we never talked about it again. 
Then there is my brother who just got all the attention from everyone because he was/is a drug addict and he just destroyd the whole family. My dad also was always just such a fucking cunt, yeah we always had food and a roof over our head but he just crippled me and all my siblings emotionally so much, he would always tell all off us too get in the kitchen and then he would just rant about how much he hates all of us so much and how my mom didnt even fuck him anymore and I was like 8-10 years old at the time. 
He would also often take me with him when we went to his parents(my grandparents) where he said that he hated all of his kids and just wants a divorce but he doesnt want to throw everything away just cause of his shitty kids, my grandma even told him that he shouldnt talk like that around me cause i was still so young but he just said no he should listen and know wich was the reason I hot depressed in the first place.

Then theres my first job wich i did for 3 1/2 years, I was an apprentice chef witch was like the worst job i could have picked cause u just have such a bad schedule, they dont pay good and u are just always under constant stress. 
My head chef who was like 19 at the time bullied me frew all 3 years without remorse, in the very first week he told me I would never be anything in life and that not even mcdonalds would keep me just cause i didnt know how too clean the kitchen properly yet and I couldnt even say anything against him because the owner off the restaurant was like a dad too him and he would always be on his side no matter what, like one time he said some pretty racist and shitty stuff too an emploey who worked there for like 5 years already and the owner was still on his side and even agreed with him wich is just so insane. 
Since that job I havent cooked a single thing cause it just always reminds me off that place so i did all of that for basecally nothing and I didnt even learn that much in those years cause my head chef just hated me so much.

Now too my ex, when I was like 16 I had a gf and I love her so much but at that time I was in culinary school and I knew that as soon as i was back at my job I wouldnt have time for her anymore cause i worked for 6-7 days a week for a whole day everyday basically. 
She told me that she got raped by her clasmates like 3 years ago at that time and I was the only person she ever told that and I had no idea what to do, I was only 16 and I was already stressed because of my job and school and it was already so long ago, she said she didnt want any help but I still feel shitty because I should have done something and after that we broke up like 4 months later because school ended and I had to go back too my job where I didnt have time for her and I just blocked her on all socialmedias wich i wish I didnt because I still could have atleast talked too her and help her get frew those thought times.
I wish I could just contact her one more time and tell her how sorry I am and explain everything but Its so long ago i dont wanna open any old wounds of hers.

Right now I dont know what to do with myself, I got nothing, no friends, i talk to my family like once a month even tho we life in the same house, I have a deadend job(atleast I dont get bullied there) and I thought about becoming a fitnesstrainer but im scared the same thing that happend when i was a chef will happen again and I also wont kill myself because I always have a glimpse of hope that it will get better wich I hate because I know it wont but my brain just wont let me give up, ive tried too kill myself twice already but I just cant and I also know my family is gonna get hurt if i do it and i even tho i hate my father and brother i still love my sister and mom, i just feel like im running at a brick wall again and again and i dont know what to do.

If anyone has read this wich i doubt, ty