I was doing really well since I was diagnosed. I was in therapy for a year and a half consistently, taking meds, and holding down a job. Then my hours got cut, so I lost my insurance and ended up on Medicaid, but I still had a few free sessions of therapy through my employer's resource center. About a month later, I lost my job(due to a third angry explosion towards management), thus losing my free therapy. My therapist doesn't accept medicaid and I have no way to afford it on my own. I am also afraid of finding a new therapist because I find it very hard to trust people. The therapist I have been seeing is amazing, and I wish it were possible to keep seeing her.

Shortly before losing my job, I stopped taking my meds because I have been unable to find a doctor that accepts Medicaid that is also accepting new patients or has a waiting list less than a year. So I just stopped taking it, but I still feel more stable than the last time I was off my meds, maybe because I've been off them longer? Idk. Anyways, I bounced between a few jobs, ended up quitting one on the spot because I got written up for having a bottle of water at my cash register. Then I got hired at the company I'm at now(that doesn't seem to offer any benefits) and things were going okay. I was in a position at home(living with parents) that I am able to work part time through the winter. 

Then I decided to drop out of school following an incident that triggered a PTSD/panic episode. So now I'm feeling all down on myself, and try as I might, I can't stop these thoughts of "You dropped out of highschool, and now college, you are worthless" and other similar sentiments. I am afraid I will never be able to hold more than some dead-end retail/fast food job. I don't want that to be me, I want to be able to provide more for my son. But I don't know how to stop the anger. I don't know how to stop lashing out when I am at work. I don't know how to contain myself. I feel like this huge ball of anger that is just waiting, HOPING, for someone to even look at me wrong, simply so I have a reason to let out my anger. Thankfully, I have been able to reign this in around my kid, but at work, it's like my "Give a fuck" switch turns off and while I know that losing my job would be seriously detrimental, in the moment, I truly do not care if I get fired. 

I don't know who to talk to while I seek a new therapist. The paranoia runs deep(something my therapist has said is exacerbated by both BPD and GAD) in me. My friends(are they really friends?) all say they are there for me and that they'll listen, but I can't make myself open up to most of them. And when I do convince myself that it's okay to talk, their responses make me feel judged or like I've wasted their time, even if I subconsciously know that's not the case. Seems like every day I become more reclusive. Find more reasons to stay home. Find more reasons to blow off social obligations. I want someone to listen and to understand what I am going through, that more often than not, I literally do not know how to control the emotions surging through me. I blank out and just act. I don't always remember the details, just that I have hurt people. I lost one of my best friends over the summer doing this, and I still ache every day to have him back. 

I apologize if this is jumbled and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I just needed to get this off of my chest. I've had suicidal thoughts, but little to no impulse to actually act on it. Part of me doesn't want to face the realities of how BPD affects me, because I am afraid that I will use it like a crutch. I am that type of person. I will use any excuse to get out of doing many things if I am not up to it. Maybe that's part of the disorder? I don't know. I just want someone who gets it, who isn't going to judge me and make me feel so stupid and pathetic. The way I make myself feel. It's like I'm struggling every single day to simply function and I'm slipping. 