I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with GAD, and eventually diagnosed with Depression, OCD, (adult) ADD, and social phobia. Ive seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists but have always been either too stubborn (being young) or too anxious to continue seeing them. I found a psychiatrist near the end of 2019 who I’ve been talking with about my issues but I can never seem to really explain how I’m really feeling. It’s like there’s a barrier in my head that prevents me from finding the correct words to use that describe how I feel. Im much, much better at articulating myself through writing. Vyvanse helps me use more accurate wording but the wall is still there, and I think it’s because of my anxiety. I’ve tried many, many different medications including Celexa, Symbalta, Fluxotine, Citalopram, Zoloft, Buspar, wellbutrin, Effexor, strattera, and vyvanse. Most of them alone, some in combination. all of them except what I am current prescribed have given me horrendous side effects. Things like suicidal thoughts, self harm compulsions, violent behavior, irritability, restlessness, too much sleep, or just worsened depression and anxiety in general. The ones I’m currently prescribed (Vyvanse and Cymbalta) are effective for my add and keep my mood steady. My anxiety is a bit more manageable but it’s still really bad. There are days where I can’t leave the house without being “warmed up” by my girlfriend, usually just having a conversation with her or if she comes over and we leave together. I get too anxious to answer phone calls when my phone rings no matter who it is (even my PO). Some days I wake up in panic. Some days I don’t sleep because I get caught up obsessively doing something like gaming or drawing or reading about random things online. I don’t talk to many people at all except my girlfriend and occasionally my dad (I live with my parents). I cannot make eye contact with my parents and can hardly speak to my mom without feeling panicked. When I manage to get out in public, sometimes there’s a sudden trigger of anxiety/panic and I have to leave. I HATE going places without being the driver. Sometimes I can’t even leave my room when there’s a family gathering at my house. Honestly, it’s debilitating and affects my ability to hold a job. Forget about a social life. I think you all get the point. I’ve used benzos before, and have a history of drug abuse, but my drugs of choice were opiates. I have been sober for over a year and 3 months. I simply used benzos at therapeutic doses and those were the only times that I’ve been able to experience what “normal” really feels like. How do I tell my psychiatrist that I’m interested in a benzo without sounding like I’m seeking drugs for abuse? Him and I have run through most every other option for anxiety/ocd. 

Does anyone have similar issues? Combinations of medicine that aren’t benzos that work well for your panic/anxiety/ocd? 

Any advice for managing this without medicine?

Note: I honestly, honestly am not seeking drugs to abuse here. I am solely interested in dealing with my psychiatric issues and have prior experience with benzodiazepines.