I’ve only been diagnosed and getting treatment for about a year, and from about ~18-25 when my episodes starting becoming really really aggressive, I literally would spend ANY money I had as if I’m going to die tomorrow (M26 now). Doesn’t matter if I had a bill the next day or had food, rent, anything.. because that’s literally the level of fucks I gave. 

I manage to sustain bills to the point that services aren’t shut off, but everything has been at least once though. I’ve needed financial help with nearly every major thing I’ve ever done including my first apartment, cars, college, etc. This isn’t just family help either but lots of student loans as well. I even joined the military - and was sent home because of a VeRy bad episode during training soooo yeah, there went any hope of relief where college debt or housing is concerned. I have an abysmal amount to show for my money earned.

What sucks to me right now is that I will *never* be a homeowner. I will *never* have the child I’ve wanted since I was a child unless I win the lottery or great aunt birgit croaks. I will *never* be able to afford to live outside the little financial circle I’ve created for myself. How will I EVER be appealing in a relationship to anyone in the right mind?! No pity party intended, but honestly? 
I am able to live in an inexpensive, small but cute apartment with 2 jobs and by the SKIN OF MY ASS, and with meds and frequent therapy I’ve gotten much better. I dwell into my job so heavily for the money that I’ve become emotionally attached to them both and contemplate dedicating my life to my current career (which I do like but I digress).

But the financial damage is literally irreparable. I don’t have a hope’s chance in fuck of ever repaying all of my debt. I still become impulsive and reckless once in a great while but I thankfully haven’t *set my life on fire* in a couple months. 

I wanna emphasize hhiigghhllyy that I’m grateful for the life I have, and that I’m alive! I’ve made it very far. But holy fuck looking back, and thinking about what I have ahead, I’m just like…. jfc idk how I haven’t just lit myself on fire for the thrill of it yet lol

Anyway rant over lmao. If anyone read this till the end, thank u and I will pet my cat 3 times in your honor