I've hit a point for the first time since I was maybe 16 or so where everything is totally real, and I don't think I can cope with it. I've done some of the most awful, messed up, worst of the worst things in my life, and I've had some of the most hurtful things done to me. And I had self harm, eating disorders, driving too far and waayy too fast, fp's, relationship drama, stealing, lying, pretending, suicide attempts ect to drown out all of the guilt, all of the hurt, all the confused voices trying to decide if I'm the victim or if I've always been the evil tornado of destruction. But none of that works anymore. I can't drive fast enough, cut deep enough, eat too little or too much, have sex with different people, lie, cheat, or kill myself. It's all real and raw with nothing to distract or help me escape and I don't think I can survive it. I don't know how to live with the guilt of things I've done or to forgive for things done to me. I miss my world of lying next to an abusive man, where I felt safe because he was as messed up as me (in my head). I don't think I'll ever be able to have a normal life or relationship and it's killing me, but I'm way too scared to kill myself.