**HUGE TW: talk of calories, weight gain and loss, and th\*nspo**

&amp;#x200B;

What happened to me? In middle school and high school, I was SOOO good at self-control. All I needed was coffee, water, and gum, and I was set. I was doing alright yesterday until I ate three tacos, rice, and beans. I just couldn't say no and ate.

I was so anal about my routine and how to keep myself from eating when I was younger, what happened? I only ate 500 calories a day and was so good. I feel deep disappointment when I eat now. I remember stepping on a scale in middle school when I was 13 and was 116llbs. I was so angry that I weighed that much; what I wouldn't give to get back to that.

I have thinspo folders that I stare at for a while to cement what I'm working towards in my mind. I used to exercise until I felt like passing out. I even catch myself body-checking while changing or getting ready to shower.

I was really hungry this morning and I ate a croissant and a little Starbucks sandwich and a few hours ago, I ate a Reese's peanut buttercup. Dealing with this stupid ed shit during the winter sucks because it makes me feel colder than I usually feel.

I know this isn't productive toward positive change in myself but obsessive thoughts are hard to control when you've been suppressing them for almost 3 years.