I decided to peek at my past journal entries for the year- not a single happy one. 

I’m only here because I need to be. People depend on me, I know my absence would hurt their lives in some way. With that being said, I can’t remember the last time I wanted to be here. 

I host the family events, I bake for the neighbors, I mow the lawn and put up decorations for every holiday, but I’m an imposter. 

When it comes to my relationship I don’t know who to be, I try so hard to be strong but I have a hard time not letting my
vulnerability show with him. It just culminates into me being an emotional wreck on the daily and he’s the only one I can’t hide it from. He can only put up with so much, though. I don’t know how much longer he’s sticking around. 

So, I bake, I decorate, I host, I make the perfect home, and just barely manage to hold back from crawling into that dark space and huddling up. It’s so warm and inviting there. I really just wish I could want this life.