This is long but please bare with me..

I suppose I’m not that young anymore but it still feels that way.. I’m 26 and I had my child right after I turned 19. Not planned, but I was in a long term relationship. Both of us knew we weren’t ready.. I wanted to do open-adoption as I couldn’t handle an abortion but my child’s-father refused to “adopt out” his blood. 

Long story short, having a baby changed our relationship and resulted in him distancing himself, and me leaving, him developing a brutal drug addiction that lead to his death when our baby was around 3, after his third O.D. I fell into a horrible depression, my ex’s family had our baby for about 6 months while I tried to get it together. I went through about 6 or 7 different anti depressants over the course of a few years— ultimately ended up on none because of how many awful side effects I had on them and improper guidance from my doctor. I’ve tried connecting with a few different therapists but I feel like I’ve honestly helped myself more than them.

I do my best to workout when I can, I read self-help books, I’m not as bad as I once was now that our baby is a bit older but I still struggle with depression, anxiety and some resentment. I miss his dad, he was my person, together or not, it was a truly special love we shared and it’s something I never doubt, I knew it and he made sure I knew it, always. 

I had debated on adopting out my baby a number of times shortly after his dad passed, but ultimately I decided it would be more harmful to him to do that so late in his life. 

I am constantly harping on myself for being unable to get out of the house as much as I need to be, and everything my child does makes me a ball of anxiety. I do not enjoy being a mother but I love my baby. The loudness, yelling, running, the mess, it all makes me anxious to the point I’m very uncomfortable. Going out to do things sounds great and I want that for us both but often my anxiety and depression keeps it from happening most times.

My ex’s family watches him Mon-Fri, giving him more stability, experiences, support and healthy routines thankfully, he is happy, and loved. (I sometimes have him a week or two at a time when they travel and that’s often a very hard time..) so you’d think I’d be able to handle the weekends but I still struggle which of course comes with guilt over too much screen time.

My family isn’t involved and I tend to self-isolate so I’ve not really any friends, at least who I see. I work as much as I can during the week and that helps, as well as a very supportive boyfriend now— and yet, I find myself battling depression over grief and having anxiety attacks over being overwhelmed. 

Even with the support I have, I feel so much pressure to be and do more for my child beyond my capabilities, which results in crying fits, missing his dad, wishing I’d adopted him out when he was younger, pressure to build stability for us, become who I want to be, accomplish things, be a good mom, cook, clean… I get overwhelmed and often can only focus on basics and survival. I remind myself to focus on one thing at a time, as I try not to succumb to that depression pit because of course, I can’t change any of that and can only do my best. 

But, all in all, I’m just really, really sad and would appreciate any guidance. Is there something I should specifically look for in a therapist/type of therapy? Or any other advice.