A couple of nights ago my boyfriend and me got into a fight. I got off at 8pm he started at 11pm. The fight started because he said I don’t take care of myself. I was sitting on the couch, he was standing yelling at me. I got annoyed so I walk away into the bedroom to take some space. He follows me and starts mimicking me in a really annoying voice, “oh this is STEPS blah blah blah.” He knows I hate when I do this and this makes me really angry. I hate the voice he uses. At this point I try to push him out of the way to leave the room and I admit it’s normally harder than I normally push. He then goes and tries to choke me out, grabbing me by the throat. He then when he realizes what he did and like the anger switches out from his eyes. And he’s like oh no what have I done and he is almost scared of himself. My first reaction is to hyperventilate and I go upstairs and I grab a knife. I think of killing myself immediately and the only reason I stop is because I think that this would be a terrible thing for my roommates to find. I stop and I find myself just shut off emotionally. I act like I’m okay and I go to comfort my boyfriend telling him it’s all my fault because I pushed him out of the way. He left for work after that. Since then he apologized a lot. He seemed like he tried to buy my out the next day making me supper and buying a lot of my favorite foods. We talked he doesn’t want to go to therapy because it’s expensive. We act like we are normal now he says he loves me. We talk and our relationship is great and back to normal. But I’m worried am I doing things the right way. This was a slow build up by the way I noticed it started with him not letting me leave the room. Next he pinned me to the bed when he was angry not letting me leave. Last time it was he pinned me against the wall hurtling my wrists, now this. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. When we are good we are good. He is my favourite person and I love him so much. He said the reason he choked me was because he reacted badly when I pushed him I accidentally scratched him. I didn’t break skin of anything. I can’t help but feel this is my fault. I know I’m bpd, I’m not a super angry person though. I just i don’t know what to this of this. I don’t want to lose him I love him to death. I’m just scared I’m making the wrong choice in staying with him but I don’t want to leave him. I love him so much.