im pretty sure this is gonna sound too spiritiual for 2022 but im going to say it anyway m  


being too connected and disconnected from people sucks because ill feel a memory that's too separated from time to be worth feeling, and want to go and say something to a person that doesn't even want to interact directly with me, about how i wish they had reached out, but they hadn't, but they did, just indrectly (self saborage, \*indIrectly), because that's how hierarchies and pathways to climbing hierarchies in a "rigged" system (also known as getting smart in a stupid system) work, and i think about how i think i made their life hell (but they had friends and recovered from it) and how i want to apologize but they're way past that   


so what im feeling is either guilt and memory or an actual connection or thought connection disrupted by time  


either way frustrtating because i couldnt be real when it mattered, which is most often in the moment, as the moment is all there ever was or is