I have been here 24 years. Each one, complete fucking torment. The few memories, which should be good are soured by my misery. I lost some drugs tonight and went into this kind of "Ballistic Control" one moment screaming my fucking brains out in the car, to complete composure in the store, back to going absolutely ballistic. I wake up Neasus, I have these unending nightmares, I'm scared all the time, I'm lonley, I'm worthless. Any fuck up is grounds for this kind of response. Any. Fuck. Up. Nothing less than perfection, nothing less than not getting caught, nothing less than total obliviousness to the people around me. I resent and hate everything and everybody. I cannot wait to die, I cannot wait for this to end. But it never does. 

I feel like my body wants to shake from itself. Like my fucking soul wants out. Pounding at the doors of it's tiny cage to open. 

I have lived 24 years, all of them have been complete agony. I want to give up. I hate everybody. I cannot do this, I cannot work as hard as I do, do as much as I do, and still feel this uncompromising misery. I see a therapist every other week, its not really making me feel better. The people around me destroyed me, why is that I have to live with the fallout? Where is the justice? Where is my vendetta? I want this to end, it won't. I live in hell and I want out. I want out.