Say your whole life/ your whole vision of the future (one that seemed liveable for a change) was just pulled out from under your feet, okay?

That's my situation right now. And now I constantly find myself swinging between very different "plans" for the future. 
Do I stay were I am, doing just about enough work to obtain enough money to uphold this charade that is my existence? 

Do I move to the city and pursue my academic career (that literally means nothing to me; I just so happen to have started on that path years ago)  in a desperate hope that somehow will start a new life? 

Do I return to my native country and pretend my father can take care of me?

Do I return to any past places? 
Does that happen to you? Do you feel desperate to return to places when you're lost? I do all the time. Only the places keep changing constantly.

I realise it's not the places I want to return to, it's the time. So that won't work anyway. Funny enough it's not even necessarily times I was happy. Some of those places relate to sheer horror. But at least I knew what way was up and what was down at those times?

I even considered moving to new places. Places where people are that are equally fucked up and lost. Maybe, just maybe, we could somehow save each other just by being there? Naive, right?

I have absolutely no idea what to do from here on out. I just want it all to be over. The only thing keeping me alive are my cats, because they need me to take care of them. But who's gonna take care of me? 

No one. It's too much to ask. I know that now.  But I need it so desperately. So, so desperately. I don't see how I can make it on my own.
