TW - mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.

Recently my life has felt very empty, and it doesn’t make sense. 
So much has been going good for me lately. I graduated from high school, and I was the first person in my family to do it. I got accepted into college, and I even got a job. Yet I still find myself feeling empty. Unsatisfied. 
I truly don’t understand. I keep trying to understand why I can’t focus on the positive and I only attach myself to the negative. 
I guess I just feel extremely alone. 
My friends circle gets smaller and smaller every year. I only have four close friends, four. And I don’t even talk to them that much. Sometimes I feel like we are still friends out of convenience. We’re all too old to try and start making new friends… too busy with our newfound lives and adulthood. 
It’s funny how you go from talking to someone every day to only talking to them once or twice a month. 
I just feel like no one in my life likes me anymore. I don’t know what happened to me, or what I did to spark this change in attitude. I just feel like everyone is sick of me. Sick of what I’ve become. I’ve been told that I’m so negative lately, so angry and attitude driven. But I am just depressed. I’m depressed and I can’t tell anyone that because they’re just going to try to fix me and what if I can’t be fixed? What if I’m not meant to be happy. 
I constantly debate suicide. Constantly think about how free I would feel. To know I wouldn’t have to worry about my future if there was no future for me to begin with. And it’s not like this is a new idea, I’ve been debating this for years. A part of me feels like I feel so lost because years ago I convinced myself I wouldn’t even make it to 18. I never planned my future because I always assumed my life would be over before it started. 
And now I’m here. I’m alone. I don’t have a relationship, each day my friends pull further and further away from me, even my parents seem to like me less as the days go on. 
I don’t have a desire to live. 
Life feels so lackluster. What is the point of waiting for it to get better? What if it never gets better. 
I try and try to see things differently. To be positive, to make things better for myself to make myself happy but I’m still empty. 
The only reason I haven’t taken my own life yet is because of my niece. 
She’s going to be five this month. I love her so much. She is the shinning light in all this darkness. I think about her anytime I have suicidal thoughts. I think about how every time she leaves my house, she always tells me she’s going to miss me. I think about her little face and her smile. How she makes me smile and how spending time with her is the only time in my life I ever truly feel happy. Like someone loves me, unconditionally. It’s her love that keeps me here.
I know I need to hold onto that. I know better days are ahead. But right now, I just feel so lost. So hopeless. I hope that sooner, rather than later, I start to find a desire to live again. For now, I just have to spend every day fighting the thoughts inside my head.