I am... exhausted. My final semester of college has just started and I've taken on way too many responsibilities. Summer was awful, isolating, and draining, I lost three very close friends, and I am fucking tired. I am a shell of a human most days. I'm only 21 years old for fucks sake (diagnosed at 18).

I am so desperate for SOMETHING to help me get out of this. I've taken responsibility for my situation, hyper-analyzed, written dozens of pages, had "epiphanies" about my struggles, meditated, done worksheets, read books, tried to get back on medication (which went horribly), talked to several professionals, tried to lean on my loved ones, practiced DBT skills every day, gone to coda meetings, called hotlines, went to crisis appointments, talked to every resource I could possibly find at my college, and NOTHING. FUCKING. HELPS. 

I am utterly STUCK in the dark, seething depths of existential dread and delusional self-hatred. And I'm fucking sick of people telling me "Just get therapy" or "Go on medication" LIKE I HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE THAT.  

I guess my point in making this post is just to get some validation and hear the perspectives of others with BPD. I've crawled out before, but it never lasts.