GoodMorning, good evening, goodnight, (whatever time zone my fellow redditors are in) so I have to get things off my chest. For so long now I’ve been wanting to talk to someone and be brutally honest with my feelings but I don’t think any person should have to suffer even hearing the words spoken aloud. I don’t want anyone to have to hear it… I want to die though, I just wish that I were already dead. I haven’t got it in me to take my own life and I’ve got millions of reasons not to do so (and I will not be doing so either way) but I still look at my gun and want to put the barrel in my mouth and pull the trigger. I feel like it would eliminate the pain in my brain. I carry for self defense and for a while now these intrusive thoughts have come and go. I don’t ever plan to take my own life, I pray I go naturally. But I also pray this pain can go away. I can live with it but damn I’d rather not. Hopefully one day I’ll feel different. And hopefully I can be relieved of the desperation for peace of mind. I appreciate those who took the time to read. Whether you reach out or not I just had to get this written down at some point, it’s been eating at me for so long now. I don’t know what it is or when it will be gone.