Every second to third day I have a suicidal crisis. While it's usually a very fast cycling between euphoria and 'slight' suicidality, it can escalate. It's like my base line having a stroke and going into extremes unkown to mankind. 

During these hours to days it's impossible to do anything. Others being arround me, whoever it is, makes it worse. I can't calm down, I have no coping-skills and I wouldn't care. I already take mood stabilizers in high doses and it's like a joke. I don't even notice when it gets super bad, it's like I already wake up with this mood or it's like a fingersnap. There is no warning beforehand.

It's often accompanied with insomnia, usually 2-3 days, my medication does nothing. Benzodiazepines and the  usual antipsychotics are like placebos for me. Whenever I ended up in the hospital I tried to calm myself down, slowly upped the dose and even when reaching 100+ mg of diazepam or 30+ mg of lorazepam , I'm still very upset. I just get the nasty taste of foul paper in my mouth and thats it.

I don't even know what to ask my psychiatrist for. There is no medication that could help me and I don't hink he would prescribe anything stronger, knowing about my past suicide memes. Am I supposed to go to the hospital 2-3x a week? 

I do live alone atm and have no social contacts, none. If anyone has any advice on what to do I would appreaciate. I'm sure I'm not alone with this, right? RIGHT? please :(