Everything for a good while has been really unsatisfactory, I feel like my life is over. Like in a weird way I'm already dead and I'm just watching life happen around me. I don't feel like I'm a significant presence in anyone's life and it wouldn't mean shit if I just suddenly wasn't there anymore. I feel like it's cliche and overdone to say I feel numb but I don't know how else to put it. I'm trying college and I keep feeling that no matter how invested I am I still can't do shit right. Almost like I fail even when I try. I can't focus and I'm constantly distracted and my memory is wack. I just know for a fact people in my life just think I'm constantly with my head in the clouds, completely disconnected and completely unreliable. Pitifully so. And this isn't who I've ever wanted to be, I don't known how I got here, I just don't want to be here anymore. I don't see the point, I'm constantly told to stop thinking so negatively but i got to a point where it's only realistic to expect nothing good to come out of my efforts. I feel like I've tried everything and it's been futile. And I'm tired and I don't want to do it anymore. I'm just underwhelming and disappointing and I feel like trash. I wish I could just stop relating my performance to my self esteem but I don't have anything about me worth anything. Im staying around for my family but I'm failing them too Im just wondering how long before I get selfish for once and choose to quit, I'd stop wasting their money too. I regret everything. I regret going down this miserable slippery slope that I can't climb back up. It's over, it feels over. I'm just lingering here. Outside of everything happening, barely having a presence