I still want to die but I realized it would be devastating to my family. Some parents never get over the death of their child. 

I may be miserable, sad and absolutely hateful towards what brought me here but I don’t have the heart to put that on my mother.

I’ve been ready to go through with it for so long now. Who knew my heart would fuck me over. 

So I guess I’m stuck here until I expire. What a dreadful thought. Everything is sinking in now. I can’t leave whenever I want. 

Sure I could take the gamble and say none of this is real, but if this is real… I can’t take that chance.

I have no choice but to get better and deal with life. I can feel the shift within me, now that suicide is no longer an option I am forced to deal with this. 

Will I get better or sink deeper? I guess I’ll find out