As the title states. I've had depression, anxiety, substance abuse issues since I was 14. I thought life was coming together when we had my son. At him and his mother almost died. He was very very premature. 
I was raised in an abusive household. My father was a heavy alcoholic and I was very neglected. 

It all culminated and I was a miserable abusive paranoid asshole in our relationship. I did so much stupid shitni can't forgive myself for. As tesult I've had limited access to my son for years. 

I've been in therapy. I've got off substance. I feel like I've done everything I can. I'm still so in love with the mother of my child but she doesn't love me in the same way. I understand because I was abusive. I was on adderall and xanax and drinking and I wasn't a good person.

She has supported me in my struggles, she listens to me and she really wants to be friends and co-parent. She also seems to have feelings but denies it. We've had dinner, spoken for hours on the phone, even kissed only recently, which she says was a mistake.

I want to respect her, i want to do things with my son and her but I cant help but want to reconcile which she says will not happen but when we're together it feels so different. 

I don't feel like there's anyone else for me. I've dated and I can never give myself to anyone because I still love her. I don't think I'll ever love anyone like I love her and it would be disrespectful to be with anyone else when I feel like I will always love her more.

I have a good Job. I make decent money. I generally know I can meet women but I'm always held back and scared I'd meet someone else and "miss opportunity" with her.
Time is just passing. I'm lonely and so depressed. I miss my family and I feel like I'm in purgatory. 
I can't fix the past and I'm stuck. I don't know how to meet anyone and I can't even find myself truly attracted to anyone else. 
I even feel if I met someone with a child I'd possibly spending more time with someone else's child and betraying mine. 

I'm lost and I've almost thought there was a chance to reconcile. I love doing things with them. I love being a family. It's the only time I ever feel whole and then the time ends and in so empty. 

It's killing me. I'm so tired of being alone and I feel like I'll die this way. Maybe I deserve that. I can't see a future for me and if there's no future I just want to die now. Or hurts so much all the time.  I don't want to be here anymore