I am on disability and I started an employment gateway course just before COVID. (My mom suggested speaking to someone who referred me, and then I ended up in their hands for most of COVID. People pleasing plus fear of Mom are 2 major anxiety triggers lol)   


The course was good for my mental health, although ultimately it's just trying to get me into work so they get paid I guess. I secretly believe that my work coach kind of hates my attitude towards work (employment scares me on a number of levels), as I fuck up the program's targets and spend a lot of time avoiding it. I can't tell if this is paranoia.

I was offered a job last week, temp work. I was up for testing it--I'd asked my work coach for a reference, and she'd agreed.

Then Mom found out and screamed at me that I'd be stupid to risk losing my disability for temp work. (She is my disability advocate and terrified that we'll have to start again if I relapse or don't get enough to live on)

My work coach has so far not replied to my text. It's been over a day so I suspect she's ignoring it. Instead her colleague has sent me an invitation to the meditation class tomorrow. That's in the morning, and they know I'm a night owl/insomniac. It feels like a test...\*why\*? I don't even know if her colleague spoke to her before sending this...for all I know she just sent the email cos I was on the list. 

Lately my anxiety has been getting me to misinterpret everything as threats. I've made faulty assumptions and done a lot of mind reading. I don't know why this is happening or when it started, I just know once it does it's hard to get out of it. 

The irony is, I'm trying to shop for a therapist, and the stress of this bullshit keeps making me procrastinate or put others' vision of how I should recover ahead of what \*I\* think I need. Why do I do that?