I'm tired of losing chunks of time out of my day. Ending up somewhere and not even remembering leaving where I was before. Now I have to tell my boss tomorrow that I just didn't have any guests and it was dead so I left instead of, "I don't know man at first I was at work and then I was standing on the doorstep of my apartment" because, lmao, I want to keep my fucking job.

I'm tired of being accused of lying about things when I literally CAN'T REMEMBER A FUCKING THING THROUGHOUT MY DAY. People have always given me shit for writing notes in sharpie across my arms but it's because I won't fucking remember if I don't have "HEY DO THIS HEY YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO THIS" IN BIG BLUE LETTERS DOWN MY INNER FOREARM OR ON MY HAND.

I'm tired of feeling trapped inside my head and only being able to get all my shit out in the single hour a week in therapy.

I'm tired of having it constantly thrown in my face how much better a life my brother is having than I did. No abuse. No hurtful words. No flinging the car around saying you're going to kill both of us or shaking him saying that you want to beat the shit out of him. Apologies about being a terrible parent don't mean shit when I deal with this every fucking day of my life.

I'm tired of that being blown off as "oh you were the oldest you were the guinea pig". THE GUINEA PIG DOESN'T MEAN ABUSE IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF A GUINEA PIG.

I'm tired of these fucking awful personalities that come out and over take my life for a week or longer at a time when something menial happens because, haha, they're my coping mechanisms. They always have been. But I can't turn them the fuck off or get them to go the fuck away.

I'm tired of crying all the fucking time at nothing because no matter how hard I try or how well I do, I can never feel GOOD for an ongoing period of time.

I'm tired of having ugly ass arms because I was raped and sexually assaulted multiple times and didn't know how else to handle it other than by taking a blade to my arms every night hoping that maybe I went deep enough this time.

I'm doing things without even knowing that I'm fucking doing them.

I'm tired of zoning out without even realizing it like during a hair cut and only snapping out of it when I slice my inner knuckle with my shears.

I'm just tired. I'm fucking tired. I'm ready to be better. I'm ready to stop feeling like shit every fucking day of my life and to stop being trapped inside my head.

I'm tired of my fiance being the only reason I even want to stay alive. I want to be alive because life is good, but I can't enjoy it and I can't find any other reason to be here other than him.

Lol, and now I'm holding back tears because typing all this hurts so much and he's sitting right across the room and he's dealt with me crying enough this week so I guess it's time to finish up my drink and light another cigarette and hope that maybe I won't feel like shit tomorrow.