Two months back I split on one of my best friends and their partner. This led directly to me being kicked out of my polycule and my support network due to my own behaviour. It wasn't until a little after that that I realized I have BPD.

Today was another self hating, self destructive day. One of my friends is interacting with one of the people who cut me out on social media. Even worse, they're talking about something NSFW that is extremely triggering to me. So of course this sparks a rapid downward spiral.

I went to a bunch of former friends who for some reason haven't blocked me and told them in DMs to please block me. One of them responded by publishing the DM which consisted of me self flagellating and saying they should block me because I'm terrible, and they seem to believe it was an attempt at guilt tripping them. Now I'm even more upset because dammit I'm being serious, I really am an awful person, I'm not trying to make *you* feel bad, I'm trying to make *me* feel bad.

So now I'm laying in bed with a dull x-acto knife that can't actually do anything wishing for my life to end because I just hate my life and I hate that I'm like this and I hate that things I used to enjoy are triggering for me and I hate that I have no control over my emotions and when I get emotional I have no control over my actions. I just want it all to end.