My SO's been in a depression and it's just been going downhill. He withdraws when he's depressed, and it triggers me so badly. Withdrawal of time/affection=abandonment/cheating to me. I've tried so, so hard to put my fears and my panic aside so I could show empathy (using phrases like "That must be so hard for you," instead of "When you get this way, it makes me feel..." which is an invalidating statement), but I feel like I can't be a functioning PERSON in the relationship (and even in real life) when I'm not getting consistent reassurance and attention from him. I can't be what he needs if he can't meet me halfway. I am more than happy to give him time alone with friends and just not bug him, but if I can't trust that he's being faithful, and if I can't trust that he's not just sick of me, then I can't calm down enough and be confident enough to give him what he needs. I wish he'd meet me halfway, and I imagine he wishes I'd meet him halfway...

I feel like we're just two starving, destitute people who keep looking at each other like, "Do you have food for me?" and we're both just there so focused on trying to get ourselves fed that we can't help the other.

This weekend the gasket just kind of blew. We haven't raged at each other, but in the midst of a panic attack, I sent out one last request for reassurance (needing to be calmed down about fears/paranoia that he was actually with his friend and not spending the night with another girl—it's hard for me to trust and just believe that he's depressed and withdrawing to care for himself) and that was the straw that seemed to break the camel's back. He dealt with me very calmly, which I appreciated...but said he just can't handle this right now...and I've just let him go since then.

BLACK/WHITE thinking to the rescue...in order to save myself, I've all but just assumed the relationship is dead and over. 

Sure, maybe he is just taking time to himself.

But I've just quit texting him aside from updating him on one thing going on that I knew he was interested in...and other than that I've stopped expecting anything from him entirely.

In my mind, the relationship is completely over. Makes it easier to deal with that way.

Nevertheless, I'm depressed as hell and trying so hard to take care of myself. Used the self-care flowchart (http://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-shit-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play) last night, which was helpful...

My ("adoptive") dad and brother came over today to help me start redecorating my daughter's room since she got a new bed. I love them so much. (My adoptive dad takes such good care of me and loves me more than his life, gives me just enough space, but stays present and consistent and just exists in love form without pressure...I love him so much.) They took me to go buy paint, and I painted the accent wall in her room today where her bed is going to go.

But I'm doing everything like a zombie.

I just don't want to talk to him, hear from him...

I perused OKCupid last night but realized that even if by some miracle I found my "savior" in man form today (word to the wise: that person is NOT on OKCupid, oh god, oh god they are not) I'm still so entangled in my SO that I'd have to do the whole, "Hey, I can't date you right now because my life is complicated," thing. So I just said, "fuck it" and accepted that I'm going to be alone.

No idea why I'm posting here other than...I just don't want to feel alone.

I've slept okay but I feel so exhausted. I'm in a fog. I feel disassociated in as much as I almost feel like nothing around me is real. I'm just going through some of the motions to keep myself physically alive. Also, I'm a mom, and I don't have my daughter right now, but I don't want to be a ghost when I have her again...

Trying to focus on other things...

But nothing feels real.

I wish he could have just loved me. 