Its been chaotic. After a trend of slight improvement over the last month I've been coming undone over the last week- feeling extremely suicidal, focusing in and getting stuck on thoughts of intense hatred towards those who have hurt me, be it a month ago or 10 years ago. Been lonely for a long time, but it's really starting to wear at me now as I have literally no friends. I'm just not seeing the point of continuing anymore, this is such a hard life to live and in not seeing any sign of a more promising future. I've been having flashes of extreme anger that prompt me to HAVE to do something physical, usually taking the form of clawing at my own skin, though I'll have impulses to throw glass objects sometimes. (These never manifest in impulses to be violent to others, I've managed to keep myself conditioned against those thoughts so far and can usually shut them out when they do occur) I'm pretty much addicted to Xanax, needing it to be able to fall asleep most night despite always being tired, and also to numb my anger flashes abd panic attacks. I don't know what else to say. I don't see a way out. Every medical professional I've seen has been an incompetent dumbass so far, though I'm trying a new one next week who specializes in DBT. 

I just don't know what the fuck to do. I want friends who love me, but I can't see the good in anyone right now, I hyperfocus in on fictional micro-aggressions and memories of being hurt by loved ones, and suddenly I'm terrified to even look at another person. I even hate people who haven't hurt me but that part of me feels haven't done enough to support me sometimes, telling myself they don't care about me and honestly not knowing if that's true or not objectively. And all of this is bogging me down mentally to the point of being practically catatonic sometimes, for periods of 20-30 minutes or even close to an hour. Even right now, I'm fucking starving but I can't get out of my parked car for the life of me, I just can't move. 

I just don't know what to do. I know typing this can't possibly help but it's not like there's a bettee option in front of me. 