hello fellow anxious humans i am here to rant
im afraid just very afraid of the future and most especially change i have this one person in my life who just... makes me happy witht them everything feels right but im just so afraid because.. i know this wont last long it wont at all because what can i do im just a silly teenager who cant protect them who can help them who cant do anything to make this friendship last long and just what will i do without them?

 we even had a talk and they told me about how its not possible that it can really be forever and that that fuckin reality exists and stuff and i know i should face it i know i should let go of my obsession with them i shouldnt be so dependent on them for happiness i fucking know but how in the world could i ever depend on myself for happiness? i dont think i even want to find happiness without her...

 i just want a stupid silly future where i can be with them forever so why does it have to be so hard ive been trying to motivate myself and fuckin give myself pep talks and and shit because maybe if i just work hqrd do well in school and be successful enough to get a good jib in the future maybe during all this 

i can still be with them and then once im an adult and have a sufficient job maybe i can be with them and finally just be with her and im so afraid because i cant handle knowing that one day i have to wake up knowing that theyre not in my life anymore i dont want to wake up knowing that ill never read her texts again ill never get to wake up in the morning and rush to my phone to text them good morning and i love you and ill most likely never get to even do half the things i want to do with her because circumstances and im a silly teenager and theres nothing i can do and all i do is vent my problems to her and dump all my crap onto her when clearly theyre the one who has to deal with crappy life and problems fuck i dont even have a bad life im the one whos making my life bad and gos theres so much problems in my stupid head and i just run away i cant even do homeschooling properly because im a dumb dumb idiot

im just so scared i dont want to fuckin move on i dont want a life without them i fucking promised them id stay i promised that wed stay together no matter what and i believed it because im a dumb naive human and i just want this to last just i need it to last i need them in my damn life and i know i dont deserve them i know they deserve better than a weak coward like me and its selfish and its greedy i know but i can't just let go i cant just be happy with them knowing that maybe for all i know next year ill have to live a life without them because i cant do that

i cant live a life without them i cant wake up in the morning and be the same way i cant breathe the same way knowing theyre not mine anymore knowing im not theirs anymore knowing ill never get to ramble endlessly to them about my day and i know its overreacting but what if im going to die never hearing them voice what if im going to die never having had the chance to hug them what if ill die never knowing what its like to hear them say i love you to me and i dont want a life without them i cant do it because its gonna be the same old emptiness the same old numbing cold the same old fucking apathy where everyday is shitty and nothing feels right and i dont feel right and everything will hurt even more because id have known what it felt like to love someone and to be loved by them id have felt like what it feels to be encased in the warmth that is them id have felt what true happiness felt like and so much more how could i go with my life the same way without them

how could I survive this world without her without her warmth without her comfort without her honesty and so much more how can i even live after being with someone as amazing as them?