I made a post to this sub last night that got some attention, i don’t know who i really am. I don’t know anything. Everything feels like a complicated &amp; complex void. My thoughts often feel like a violent tornado, my thoughts circling so fast and violently in my head, destroying everything in it’s path.

Anyways. I’m FTM, been on hormones for over a year. I pass 100%, you would never be able to tell. I have a lot of passions, specifically with music &amp; music business. I’m a manager for a local rapper in my city, &amp; do other stuff with that.

I’ve been through a lot of different phases of my life. I was a bullied, weird kid for many years. So bad i’m diagnosed with ptsd from those years, and from what i’m gonna speak on next. Then i started rolling with a gang, robbing people, out till sunrise. During that time my best friend was also an alcoholic, he was running with the same group of guys as me. I saved his life so many times i cant even count. It still gives me nightmares. 

our gang fell out, or i fell out with them. Either way, i became a huge partier, bigger than i was before. It was kind of toxic. I’m not ashamed of it though, because that’s how i know people. But were they really the people i wanted to be around? People who don’t care about nothing but relevancy and popularity.

After i turned 16, i was super focused on my work. My work ethic was something i strive to get back. I felt unstoppable. Then my laptop broke, thats when my bpd really soared, when it really started affecting me and my daily life. It already was, but it became so prominent.

Now i’m a little anti-social, and i keep to myself. I’m a cold person, i’ll cut anyone off in my life who i feel like is about to abandon me, or is showing signs of it. But, i feel the realer than any of those other times in my life. I feel real, but i still don’t know myself.

I contemplate running with a gang again, and working with them. Maybe then my life will have meaning? I’ll have an ideology to live by again, one that i lost so long ago. Everyone is against me, i might as well go against the world. 
I also contemplate becoming a partier again, and loosing myself, because i don’t even care anymore. 
Or cutting myself off from the world. I just wanna move to the middle of nowhere and forget everyone &amp; everything i’ve ever experienced, and life in peace.

I go through this a lot... i know myself but i don’t know myself. Something always feels missing. Do any of you ever feel like you got something missing, like theres some emptiness... the only thing that can ever fill that void for me is music, inspired work, or getting fucked up with my good friends. But it isn’t constant. A lot of the time i’m not even able to fill that emptiness, even though it seems so easy as i described it.

I’m about to go on a walk, and draw in my notebook, try to find my ideology of living. To build an identity for myself in the parts of me that feel so empty.