I'm not sure if I'm sad or depressed. I can't afford therapy or checkups. But I'm sure that it's not depression. There's this overwhelming feeling within me that desires to erase my existence without a trace, like a bubble popping, dust getting scattered, or just a simple \*poof\* or snap out of existence. Still searching for answers to why am I feeling this way. Is it grief? Loneliness? Solitude? I don't know. Part of me wants to know the answer, but part of me pretends it's nothing. Much worse is that I don't feel anything at all. I might smile at good times, laugh at jokes, but it's just bodily instinct reacting to external stimuli, pretending maybe? I don't know. 

Sometimes, I think I'm not human for not feeling genuine emotions. I always try to distract myself by doing activities, like reading, doing my academic requirements, hanging out with my only two friends, hobbies, etc. But once I'm done with those, it comes back. I feel nothing again, like a void in space, a man with no purpose, yearning to remove my existence. Mind you again, I'm not sad or lonely. I just want an answer for this unfathomable crisis within me. But it's alright if no one knows about it.