i feel like i’m very close to doing something drastic and not being able to pull myself back from it. i feel like i should he hospitalized but even then that feels like i’d be doing it just to self harm. all i hear about hospitalization is how it’s ineffective or just causes more trauma and idk… i feel like i deserve that. i deserve the pain and anguish but i also feel i don’t deserve a life anymore. 

it feels like going will just destroy my life because of the responsibilities i have but it’s not like i’m actually tackling those responsibilities now anyway. either way the things i need to do fall to the wayside

i need something and idk if that’s help or what but i can’t keep doing this and feeling like this forever. i want it to stop even if that means i need to make hard decisions.