Lately I’ve been described as “immature” and “childish” by my close friends. I notice that when they get upset at me, even only minor upset, I push them to the point where they are infuriated with me. I’m am obnoxious without even realizing it. I sometimes act like a little kid trying to get attention. I will say their name over and over again until they ask me what it is I want. I will tease them/act dumb and continue being childish if they become upset with me. Like in my head, it’s not intentional trying to upset them, but I feel partly like it is. It really hurts knowing I upset someone, but pushing them over and over again makes me feel in control. Like I usually can’t always predict when someone is going to become angry, but when they do and it wasn’t intentional, I just start acting like a little kid. Sometimes I become whiny and say things similar to a child too. My anger style is similar to that of tantrums. I feel like a piece of shit human after, like it hurts so bad knowing this person doesn’t wanna speak to me because I’m so fucking obnoxious and annoying, yet I keep doing it. It’s become something of autopilot at this point, like I don’t even feel in control of it. I just wait til it blows up in my face. It’s frustrating and makes me feel like an emotionally abusive monster. 

It’s happening to me right now, where this person I care about is highly upset about shit I’ve done/said. I acted childish towards them. They lashed out on me for it, and I felt really awful hearing it from an outside perspective. Like it was a giant black hole in my chest, just pure guilt and self-hate. I’m struggling coming up with any sort of reason for my behavior, because I do not think there is any. I just feel sometimes taken over, in a way. I apologized and meant it, but I believe they don’t think I do. I think they kinda hate me at the moment. I don’t know why I do this to myself and others. I feel like a terrible friend. Can anyone give advice on how to deal with this?