after like a year of barely going outside, not going to school and not talking to anyone, I started biking like last saturday. before that the last time I had properly been outside there was still snow and darkness. now there is none, and the sun is constantly shining. I was dreading the fact that the sun started shining more frequently and that winter was ending. but now, suddenly, I am okay with sunlight and I feel summery in my head.. I don't feel like myself. I hate this. I feel "okay" I guess, but if this is what feeling okay is like, then I don't want to feel okay. it feels so fake. I hate feeling too happy. I need to feel sad and be in darkness to feel like myself. the only negative feeling I truly hate is anxiety, but I love feeling depressed because then I can feel like myself, and I love finding nice ways to cope with it that really make me feel a special feeling. I hate summer so much. in some ways I am excited about summer at the same time though. hopefully next winter I can go back to being myself.