I do not have the strength to face the world, as someone who has let themselves fall to drug addiction and get nowhere in life. I am too full of chronic shame to allow myself to show my face to other people anymore. I don't want them to see me, and I especially don't want them to know me. For them to know about all of my irresponsible decisions. There is also the other thing, of having to accept the humiliation of coming forth with my circumstances. That if you were to accept from help from others in my situation, I would have to look at another human being and tell them with my words that I am so grateful and that I will work to become better. 

I should have already been "better" and responsible. It's too much for me to have to face the world and say out loud "look at me, I am deciding to be better." I don't want to "decide to be better" I just want to get my shit together without anyone noticing anything about my circumstances or feeling like they need to praise me or encourage me or "celebrate" when I do something good. I don't want that kind of shit. It is too humbling to have to face the fact that I have been a fuck up. But the other issue is the moral issue. I can't just tell people I have let my life come to what it has come to because I just didn't give a fuck and want to get high. Which is still true, and it is a problem that compounds on itself because I am only at this place now due to driving my life intro the ground. 

I don't want to face the world anymore. I don't want to look at another human being and have to ask for help with something. I do not want people to think I am incompetent or they are better than me. I do not want to pitied or judged negatively for my poor decisions. So I literally don't have any other choice than to let my life fall apart even further. Because I cannot face other human beings anymore. I cannot handle their judgement. I cannot handle their unwanted kindness. I wish the world was a more neutral place, without feeling, without emotion.