Long story short. Hospitalized last august, severe psychotic episode, mania in november. 

Gained 40 kilos on antipsychotics, always struggled with weight, last summer I've finally got ripped and I felt comfortable in my body, but life has taken away that from me.

I have a girlfriend, also bipolar. The relationship is wonderful, we plan on staying together. We are each other's soulmates and everything works perfectly beetween us. Judge me, but it seems like for both of us that we were meant for each other.

My primary issue is the weight which is making me depressed and insecure, albeit I used to be a very confident guy that wasn't really afraid of any social situation or anything and I was 100% sure that I would achieve success in my life.

But now, I feel worthless and I hate the fact that I've became fat, I've never been 110 kilos in my life, I was stable around 70 for years now with diet and exercise, and I've enjoyed exercise, but since they gave me AP medication, I lost interest in almost everything that made me happy, I feel like I don't have motivation for anything, I can't feel that compulsion when I wake up or call it excitement for the day to study, work out, hang out with friends and go forward. Future seems bleak as fuck now.

My plan is to become a psychiatrist. I've been interested in medicine all my life. I was always a straight-A student. I was the top one in my class and I taught myself reading and writing at 3. But now, since the meds and the disease kicked in, I feel like I went totally stupid and my future seems hopeless regardless that I've maintained my grades while spending 10 weeks in hospital this school year, I only obtained a few Bs but everything else is an A.

Please help me, I can't take the weight issue anymore and the disease and pre-med and everything seems to crush me. I think I am having a depressive episode because I started dissociating, I don't feel anything, no motivation, no energy.

I have a bottle of clonazepam, and alcohol next to me and I am considering suicide. I just can't take my past, traumas, and everything. I've got the best help in the country and everyone supports me and everything is given for me to heal and go forward, but I feel broken and I can't break the chains of depression right now, and I think this is my final night on earth.

Please help.