Idk why i keep posting in here. I get some good support i guess. Or just the need to vent. Who knows. It helps somewhat i suppose.

Anyhow. JFK Incident. Panic attack at airport, dident go on the trip to Disney with friends, haven't heard from then in 10 days since.

My minds stuck in this feedback loop revisiting the panic attack again and again and again in my mind endlessly. I cant see or feel anything beyond this event.

Its amazing how quickly the anxiety instantly returns and i can damn near visualize the entire event as if i am actually there.  Seeing the Plane, feeling the panic of being in a crowd, catching covid, crashing in the airplane.

The worst part is telling my friends No i cant do this with them over and over and over. Breaking my heart every single time wondering if i would ever hear or see them again after this one point of anxiety and regret.

Today for what ever reason i decided to watch video of the Terminal at JFK Airport where this all happened in VR.  I dont know why?

Maybe on some subconcious level i wanted to feel like i was back there for real and correct the mistake and rise above the panic attack, change things..but it was only a virutal video. 

It was almost as if i was searching for my friends and the plane to get aboard it and correct the mistake, and instantly that overwhelming sense of anxiety and fear overcame me.

I ripped off the VR Headset and nearly broke it tossing it aside.

Idk why i did that. Feels like i just reopened a wound that was just trying to heal itself.

I keep wanting to go to sleep, and wake up and have all this been a prolonged dream and have another chance.

But its not.

It reminds me of the time about 10 years ago i got injured and ran to the bathroom in a state of panic telling myself wake up this is just a dream, wake up...and i dident and had to live with the scars of that injury since.

Ocasionally ill have a dream like that where i do get a perminent injury and ill panic and tell myself to wake up, and sometimes i actually do and it was nothing but a nightmare.

maybe i keep thinking this whole incident is just that, a prolonged nightmare i keep expecting to wake up from!

I wish it was.