So, I was diagnosed with BPD in November at 32 and after years if going to different therapists with no progress. I haven't kept up with treatment with this therapist even though I likes him and agree with the diagnosis.

My main triggers unfortunately come from my husband. He doesn't mean to, but he is a very direct person and I often have trouble with that because I feel I'm under attack and freak out, spiraling a minor disagreement into a full-blown, relationship-ending argument.

We've been married 3 years and he says I got much worse after marriage, he feels I take him for granted and use him as a wallet. I'm not only a terrible wife to him, I'm hardly a friend. I'm not affectionate, I'm often negative, I don't pay a lot of attention to him. I'm stuck in a bubble of basically thinking about myself and what I'm feeling. I blame him for all my problems. He's very supportive in many ways and is often affectionate towards me, but I hardly reciprocate.

We just had a beautiful baby whom we are both over the moon about, but I continue to be abusive towards him and he's pretty much done. I'm just feeling so sad about it all and like I've ruined our family and I'll never get better. I'm sad that I've probably caused him trauma and caused him to waste a decade on me for nothing. 

I don't know what I'm looking for here, words of encouragement that it is possible to get better? I haven't put in the work in therapy. I also stopped my SSRI to prepare for pregnancy and feel that made things worse, too. I'm just feeling so sad and hopeless, especially since I'm sure this remorse won't last long and soon I'll be on the attack again.