I am 20(F). I’ve grown up not knowing who my dad is and my mom being a drunk stuck in a loop of the same day over and over. I haven’t had an easy childhood never the less but not going into detail. For pretty much most of life up until I was 18 I didn’t know I was bipolar. I was misdiagnosed as having Asperger‘s when I was young due to it and bipolar having very similar symptoms. Turns out my dad was bipolar and he gave my brother I bipolar. I ended up getting evaluated and it’s confirmed , I have bipolar type 1. Well soon after knowing I started doing research on bipolar type 1. Realizing all the traits and symptoms. I took note of the way I was feeling, what I felt, when, why am I feeling this, realizing my triggers and eventually to realizing my emotional and mental loops. I found ways to identify right before I have what I call my “meltdown mode” and depressive episodes and manic episodes etc etc. it hasn’t been easy at all though. I’ve been in a huge battle with myself and still am. Well after realizing when I am about to go through an episode of any sort I began to experiment with things that help me get out of them to help myself before it happens and to help the people I love around me not have to deal with me freaking out. It’s gone very well for the most part and no one I know could even tell I was bipolar. I told my close friends after a year or two of getting to be close with them only for them to say they couldn’t even tell. I’m proud of how far I’ve come but I think what I need to do is find a better system for my meltdowns of anger, sadness and distress. My boyfriend and I live together and he usually helps me feel better and helps me prevent my meltdowns as he got with me about the same time i found out I was bipolar. I usually do most of the work to help myself but sometimes I need his help. I know the last thing I need to do is rely on others and that’s helped me a lot cause in the end if all else fails, I’m gonna be the only person I can fall back on. I guess where I’m going with this is that…when my boyfriend is going through a hard time and I can’t prevent my meltdown he gets upset at me which makes me even more upset cause I feel well….how ever I feel then but now worse. How do I help not put this stress on him? I usually do everything I can to help myself and make his life easier but when I fail to not make the house tense how do I leave my meltdown mode? Cause I understand what I am doing and I get that what I’m doing and how I am acting is destructive and not good but it’s trying to leave my meltdowns that I have an issue with. Sometimes the distractions I do have available just aren’t good enough. This isn’t exactly me asking for help from anyone more than it is me needing to type out my options and situation. Although I would like some input. I think overall I do pretty great at managing my bipolar but the last thing I wanna do is slip up and hurt the person I love the most by saying shitting things or undergoing psychosis. I’ve been thinking about getting back on medication. I don’t think I should though. I smoke that wacky tobaccy cause it helps me and pharmaceutical drugs are just not the way to go for me and never truly helped me. Honestly I truly do believe that I can defeat this and be in control of my mentality without the help of pumping my body with man made drugs and chemicals. I just know it’s only a matter of time. I just don’t want my boyfriend to be stressed over my issues so much cause then it goes downhill for both of us and I love him too much to have him deal with my mental mess. Im gonna try harder .