disclaimer: im not seeking a diagnosis from any of you. (i would only leave such claims to medical “professionals”). im looking for trends amongst this community’s illness that may be prominent in my dysfunctional lifestyle so that i can seek more effective help for once in my life. I need professional help. any of your input is greatly appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Hello. I’ve been treated for bipolar spectrum illness for almost 3 years. Ive been suicidal since i was 12. I’m 18. 

I feel like i’ve been misdiagnosed for the reason that I have extremely codependent tendencies. Dangerously on and off in my relationship, anger and love in constant battle that destroys my life. Literally feeling like dying without her. Then wanting to never see her again. Taking sleeping pills when she wont talk to me. Blocking her when she triggers me.

In my research behind codependent relationships (online lectures and books by psychotherapists specializing in codependent relationships) I have found that an individual with any type of personality disorder is usually a key ingredient for a codependent relationship. A dysfunctional person, one who denies being ill and refuses treatment (me).

my parents dont force me to have a pdoc/therapist because one is absentee and the other is sort-of easy to fool. I prefer to hide my problems because theres so much social stigma around being a mentally dysfunctional male.

I’ve been hospitalized for suicide
had drug and alcohol problems
major depressive episodes
cyclothymic hypomania (never full mania)
been on paxil, seroquel, lamictal, xanax, zoloft (prescription) 
i no longer take medication because i would abuse it to try to hurt myself, and i had a lot of nightmarish side effects. I also believe that my old psychiatrist was over medicating me which has made me distrustful of psychiatrists and medication. This psychiatrist (one ever saw him) was retiring and didnt care about me, i dont know why i went to him. i was too young to understand what a good psychiatrist was like. I use extensive exercise and bad coping mechanisms to calm myself down when needed.

my question is, do you find any similarity between your problems in mine. were any of you called manic-depressed before you were called BPD? is codependency something that most of you struggle with?

what do you do to cope? meditation, exercise, psychiatric medication?

seriously, any input is really appreciated. I need the help of a therapist and I need to stop lying to myself about being normal. i need to stop denying treatment. again, Thank you for taking the time to read my post. it means a lot to me, to hear from people who know first-hand what it is like to have BPD.

