I’ve had high anxiety my whole life and for the last few years it’s been focused on my work following an extremely toxic workplace right out of college (gaslight central) and the trauma I experienced there. I carry the fear and anxiety with me through every neutral or negative interaction and feel like a fool the whole time that I’m still rolling from this. A neutral “come to my office” from a higher up brings tears to my eyes and I have to try not to start crying and hyperventilating.

Lately I’ve also realized that I just don’t trust anyone anymore. I just think people have bad intentions or bad faith. That dude walking down the street? He’s probably going to yell at me if I get too close. The nice lady at the cash register? Probably thinks I’m stupid and awkward.

I’ve been off my medication I need for so long because I live in the United States and am thus trapped into a nightmare healthcare system that ties my health to my employment in a way that’s so terrifying for me. I lost coverage due to changing jobs and they can’t get me to a therapist for months and my prescription will take weeks to fill. I keep hoping and praying this will help me again as it has before but I’m just. Afraid that I can’t come back from this mindset. I want to stop being so scared and avoidant.