Last year before i FINALLY went to therapy, i asked my local reddit community about this particular therapy place that i was interested in going. 

My reddit friend entered my chats and long story short we both not only have bpd but we also go to the same therapy place (our sesh are usually scheduled on the same day too) and we both have the same fav spot. 

I was very grateful for her. Words of affirmation is not my love language. I do not trust people and their words. So anything anyone says, its full of shit to me. I dont know how but.... She managed to get to me with her words. I genuinely believed her. Trusted her. 

Last year (just last month), i had plans to off myself and i genuinely was about to go through with them. She knew how serious my plans were so she proposed we met up at least once. And we did. Im grateful that we did. She was a nice and funny person and we vibed well irl. 

A couple days after our meetup I was supposed to do it. But things started to happen which got me distracted and made me postpone my plans. Im in January now and im struggling so much to stay afloat. Its not even the end of the month and I have had experience incredible highs and also very shitty lows. 

I have bought an extremely expensive camera. I got scammed for almost $400. I have recently sourced out for dr*gs and im extremely dependant on my dr*gs/meds. I have started to develop a substance ab*se issue and went down this wormhole of all things related to dr*gs which made me distant and cold. This made me 'accidentally' ignored/forgotten to reply to her msgs. 

Today i received this text from her: 

"Hey man, I just wanted to message you before I do this: I need to delete my account again and just disappear. I did this a couple of months back as well, and I genuinely thought you wouldn’t notice or care. You were the trigger for the deletion. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this then, I couldn’t tell you, it felt like I was “too emotional” or “too sensitive”. I do apologise that it triggered your abandonment stuff back then and I apologise if it does that again. 

Let me explain why I have to delete and just leave. I think the reality is that I AM too sensitive. I am a BPD patient, I am extremely sensitive to rejection. I do get affected when I feel like others simply don’t care and unfortunately, that’s how I felt with you. It would trigger me when you wouldn’t reply to my messages. I tried to be okay with it, I would tell you it’s fine to not reply because I didn’t want to pressure you into replying. 

I get it. Sometimes, I can’t reply to messages with my friends either and I always feel pressured and guilty. I didn’t want you to feel that way. However, while I struggle with replying to messages, I do get very triggered when people don’t reply to my messages. It’s similar to the thing with your ex when she’d be late, you’d be upset; but when you were late, she’d patiently wait. This is one reason why I tend to stay away from people like myself, because we can end up triggering each other. It also felt like I didn’t matter in any way to you. 

I felt like you saw my value not in the friendship but in … just having an objective opinion, if that makes sense. That’s not to say you weren’t helpful to me, because believe me, you really, really were. When I needed help, you were always there. But, it’s difficult to explain what I mean when I say that I still felt unwanted. I think I valued you in some way. And it didn’t feel mutual. 

You have your Greek friend and you value her. I can see that you truly care about her. 

So this is all just stuff that ended up triggering for me and made me leave the first time as well. Even now, I wouldn’t be able to tell you this if not for the fact that I’m deleting my acc. I’m not confrontational or open about my emotions, those things are difficult for me. But I don’t want to just disappear without giving you a reason. 

I hope you don’t feel abandoned. My mind is telling me that you won’t care. But just in case it does trigger stuff — I am sorry. But, my mind is also telling me, you do have people in your life. You have your Greek friend, you have your scorpio friend, you have (insert my psychs name here). And maybe other people you value too. Those are your friends. I am not sure what I ever was. Maybe it’s just my own issues with feeling unwanted, I don’t know. 

Anyway, please take care. I hope you’ll go for therapy, it’ll help, I promise it will help. And don’t give up. Sometimes looking too far into the future is not a good idea, sometimes it’s just better to take one step at a time. I believe you’ll be okay and you’ll get the future you want. You’ll be a mother, a wife, you’ll have your own cats and kids. Just don’t give up. Bye bye, it was nice to know you. Honestly." 

It hurts a lot. I dont blame her for doing what she did. She has bpd too. But it hurts to know that her last thought of me would be how i dont care enough for her or value her as a person. I never thought i would make friends thru reddit but I have successfully made some friends here. Out of every friend ive made, shes my fav friend. She was the reddit friend i trusted the most. I dont have any other way of contacting her. The only means of contact i have with her is via reddit. Shes extremely paranoid and secretive, hence why she never told me her name, where she stayed, her socials or phone number. I respected that and never pushed her to give me more details. She reminds me a lot of one of my close friends irl. Theyre both very paranoid and are full of anxiety.... Honestly i dont know where im going with this. Im just upset. Frustrated. Hurt. 

Im taking a bunch of xans tonight and smoking a blunt or two. I cant deal w this shit right now. The year just started.... And I was supposed to off myself last year. Feels like i shouldve done it. This is bs. Cheers guys. Sorry for the vent.