"Passive Suicidal Ideation" never thought there was ever a term for it but I have been having these thoughts so much as of late along with the obvious depression and anxiety wishing i would just be gone but never have the nerve nor do i want to hurt my family and friends. Each day that keeps passing makes me think that this year is my last that no matter how much i fight for a better future the world seems to break down around me. Rent is being upped, inflation is up, the cost of living is up, up to the point where my family is going to move back to my grandmothers home (she passed recently) in a neighborhood that has been downhill as of late because crime has been going up around the area lately. I understand that its financially reasonable to live somewhere rent free and such but I feel such a freaking failure I am going to be 35 soon and everyone else i grew up with have better lives, theyre married, they got good jobs, they own their own homes, and me? I feel rather useless working at a retail store, single, and living with my parents. Yet my parents tells me to go meet a nice girl, go on dates....yea because lots of women find my situation very attractive and dependable. I really wish i can end it all but i think of who i leave behind my parents my brothers my niece and everyone of my friends who cares about me but I am struggling everyday waiting on another paycheck just so i can lower my debt, help pay rent currently, and at the same time deal with assholes at work who constantly feel superior because of the customer/employee hierarchy they are so fond of treating ppl like garbage. I try so hard pushing myself looking for so many other jobs that are more fulfilling and all i get much like relationships rejection over and over. Praying that maybe crypto can blow up just so i have a chance at life again patience has gotten me so far and iam struggling on that as well. I just wish growing up wasnt so strict that i had to fight against it, i wish that i wasnt such a fuck up from time to time, i wish that the world can just let me be happy rather than balance it out and take that happiness away from me ( it happens always thats why iam also afraid of happiness). I keep getting back up but the world is pushing me down so hard. I try to climb out of a hole only to have the edge extend farther away from me. What other option i have left other than just have a way out? The world is getting my volatile to the point that even i dont think talking to a therapist can help i was in a few sessions but was only a patch not a cure. I just dont know what else i can do honestly wrote a in case i ever die letter for my family and friends because it seems even though life is short i feel my time might be shorter if it keeps going like this......hopefully this reaches someone and helps them reflect at least maybe save themselves from what iam going through.