(23m) I can feel the anxiety attack kicking in as aways 0 reason to have anxiety my life is going good. I only have anxiety about having anxiety (developed it with mouths of panic attacks) I have beaten all the fears and phobias. Now I'm just sitting on the attack with chest pain my head is numb somewhat hard to breathe my BP is high (I don't fear it or check it just gets high when attacks kick in and it's normal and safe) I'm thinking how many years will it take me to beat it. I don't believe they are panic attacks since I'm not afraid for my life like 2 years ago. I just feel overwhelmed. I forced the relapse to happen with my focus was to beat it once and for all. It's been 2 mouths I expected it to stop the first mouth like usual. I can feel the adrenaline running in my bloodstream it feels great. I don't know if I should keep worrying how long I will be like this or stand up and do a good workout and listen to music ( I'm interested in forcing attacks and facing them head on and not ignoring them) if I start saying things like "kill me anxiety finish me give me your worst" it aways end instantly but part of me just wants to sit on the ride.. it's nightime I aways get them at night. I did not have them for 4 days during this relapse so I'm doing something right. I'm not mad at anxiety it changed my life for the better. Made me treat my body better, motivated me to start living life and enjoy the small things. I feel exhausted and I have so much work to do before I go to work tomorrow.. the adrenaline is not helping much I still need more adrenaline becouse I'm very lazy atm but when you start wanting it your brain stops delivering.. lol I used herbal medication that hardly does anything and i made a decision to stop them even tho they are not real anti depressants I stoped them and I want to feel the full force of my anxiety and pumel it to death when it dears raise it's voice at me. I will crush it I'm on top of the food chain not anxiety. I will go eat now (it raises my anxiety when I eat I don't know why) and just sit down for once and think about why is my body stressing about there is clearly no worry in my heart other than to have an anxiety attack for 1 hour and waste my time lol.. I hope it kicks some adrenaline so I can feel more energetic. I hope it's the worst anxiety attack I will ever get for an hour. I like proving to myself it will never be able to crush me no matter how hard it trys. I will start reading " the art of war" I'm interested if it will help me in some way with this war of mine. I had a thought just now that I need to start taking medication for my anxiety but I look at this as a defeat and I won't let anxiety to beat me it will only happen over my dead body. I wish I had money for therapy all my money goes to my parents so I basically cover all their dept bills, food and in the end there is nothing left for me.. (I make the most in the household) so yeah anxiety can't brake me but life for sure can lol