Hi, this is a throwaway. 

I'm sitting in my kitchen, surrounded by broken chairs, glass, and icing a very swollen knuckle after just losing my cool and going straight volcano on my best friend and roommate. We argued about cleaning. 

I was diagnosed with BPD about 6 years ago, and after some seriously intense therapy where I worked my ass off, I found myself in a good place where I could control the crushing feeling of paranoia, the fear of abandonment, and most importantly my horrible rage. 

I've lost jobs to this stupid diagnosis. I've lost friends because of it. I've nearly dismembered myself because of my impulsive decisions.  

I just want to jump out of my own skin right now. 

I recognize what happened, I set this black and white guideline to try to please my roommate, she suffers from anxiety and she has her own host of issues. She was complaining that she cleans too much after me. So, to make sure that we were doing equal parts of the work around the house...we made a chore wheel. We argued about the chore wheel, and she called me disgusting. Our argument escalated to the point of shouting and the next thing I know I'm smashing picture frames, punching walls and smashing chairs. My living room is a disaster. My roommate ran out of the house fearful of her life. 

And I'm sitting here with a bottle of whiskey...just thinking about how I used to be so much better about discussing things and taking criticism. 

I haven't been able to go back to my psychologist for over a year. I lost my insurance and soon our bill racked up to about $2000, so I just stopped going. What have I done to my progress?

I don't really know where I'm going with this.  I feel like it's a little more useful than hurting myself or smashing more of my belongings.

Maybe she's right, maybe I am disgusting. I feel disgusting and I wish it would stop. 