input really appreciated!!  
tldr; others call me attention seeking, causing interpersonal problems. am i broken? 
"you put so much effort to constant be the center of attention..." ".. every thing isn't about you. sorry if it hurts." - my therapist  

i am participating in residential anorexia program but am having reactive outbursts and interpersonal conflict each day with others. i am 22 dx bpd, and trauma from npd father. very controlling mother. i am dependent on others to the point of being helpless while alone and reluctant  to become an adult. i feel as if i did not receive enough attention as a child and had to constantly be [more] than other's problems or be sick to get attention. i won't even attempt a task if i may make a mistake, and if i do i deserve to be dead-so i ask others to help me or reassurance seek and be coached through it. if i am perfect, they may care about me.  
i want attention and approval constantly which i'm finally seeing. i'm self-centered and only think of my self. she said my empathy is fake and i have to stop saying sorry b/c others know  i am disgenuine, so if i'm being criticized or shamed i cry and say thank you for telling  me the truth etc. i pretend to be but only so they give me attention and then i tire them out and leave them for another.  i want to be perceived as somebody worth pitying, pls look at me tenderly, rescue, make my life easy. i feel slighted if they have their individual problems;as if they have to feel better so i don't have to.  

i want to be sick enough.  i have to make a point of being publicly unstable. i want others to know as soon as they see me, and continue to look at me. i need to continue being thin. i have to cut my self in obvious places, take more pills, fall apart more, create scenes. i want to feel cared about and i want ppl-i only feel like i exist while others think of me. [don't ignore me i don't want to be alone]  

if i make others frustrated by my behavior i want to commit suicide instead of facing the disapproval but at the same time i only say things if they create reactions.  
on the nature of how i act. i love bomb, idealize/devalue ppl but i want an exit path so i hold them at arms length until they abandon me? i'm competitive and want to be better than others so they know &amp; give me value, approval. but i'm only below them. approve of me tenderly. how i'm constantly a victim, i can't see my actions affecting others. tiring, my identity is being ill.fuck  it's not like soo voluntary, a lot of my  traits are subtle or subconscious? is that pathology? i'm not thoughtful either. i tell ppl "they're worthless but difference is at least i know i am worthless and won't accomplish anything in my life" im insecure lol.  

i make other ppl at my program feel not sick enough, lol? community group agreed they'll disengage and ignore me if i'm upset or being attention seeking. and hopefully benefit(they don't want to be emotionally hurt) . i loathe them in the moment, makes me want to tell them i'll end my life.  i ate 2 jars of crunchy peanut butter to create a situation and because i'm almost the smallest, they were afraid looking at me binge lol. looked at me like i'm dead.   
my therapist said i come off as uncomfortable while i'm unable to be the center of attention. i get jealous of girls i feel are better than me, i'm constantly thinking of ways to get back. sneaky. i'm melodramatic and nobody cares about me as much as i think. lol it hurts but i think it's true. i got nervous and asked if i'm a narcissist, she said i present classic borderline but have narssistic traits and obviously one of my role models taught me as a child.  
i don't plan on living more than 4 years because i want to stay dependent until each string is torn lol. my sister said my life is over because i don't care about how difficult i make it. she currently helps me. more reasons i'll die! make her days better and idk. maybe i'll reach bmi 12 and go to a highly populated restaurant and stab my self in the torso.  

i don't know if these are  normal thoughts of bpd? i know there's eating disorder thoughts but may a narcissist think this way, too? am i broken or choosing to be sick?