Hi everyone. It’s been such a long time since I asked for any one’s help online or in real life. I recently decided to try and write down my thoughts but quickly stopped because I felt like I don’t even know where to start, what’s happening and do I even have anything to say.

In short- I am confused. Depressed and confused.

I am 21 years old, possibly living the best life anyone else can imagine. I moved to another country, started a new life with amazing people and every day I experience something new.  I know I’m in a good and welcoming environment but I am just, simply put, unhappy and depressed.

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 18 and allegedly I had it for years prior to the discovery. OCD was mainly caused by my childhood and my abusive step dad and other people around me who made me feel unworthy of anything. 

Most of my life was controlled by my compulsive behaviour. I always stressed about everything going on in my life and had trust issues that caused further issues with my relationships with people. 

On top of that, I had developed a porn addiction that I engaged in to deal with my social and general anxiety.

I’ve only had one relationship and it was the most amazing thing that had happened to me in my life. But my past traumas and trust issues destroyed it and it eventually ended which still to this day causes me pain (It has been more than 2,5 years since the break up). Before that I also developed an alcohol addiction that made the situation even worse but I stopped for a long time right after the break up.

I want to help myself, but I’ve been trying so much that I stopped believing in that. 
I keep on waking up with moral hangover and pain in my chest every morning. Every time I had a conversation with any one I felt like there is room for hope but eventually my brain moved on to another problem that I experience or can ruminate about. To people who suffer from OCD, this might sound familiar and that might be true and every time these conversations just became more and more pointless (In my head).

Thanks to this, I now feel completely emotionally numb and repressed. Thinking about crying causes me discomfort and talking about it makes me angry because I either feel like people don’t understand me or that I am just too extra for people to understand. 
I keep thinking about all the bad things about myself- like the fact that I have trust issues, mistakes I made in the past that made me lose something I value so much. 
Every day, I feel like I am just passing by and I don’t feel sad but I don’t feel happy as well. I keep on thinking about the times when I genuinely felt good and it makes me sad to realise that I have a different life now and that this chapter has ended. I am not present even though I would benefit so much if I just tried but I can’t get passed everything that has happened to me mixed with the acknowledgment of me not being able to feel anything for anyone and anything. 
I am not interested in my family and I keep little to no contact with them. 
I tried dating but every time I just keep comparing or re-enacting my previous relationship. 
My only escape from everything that is happening is maladaptive daydreaming and even that is slowly becoming less and less effective due to my depressed rationality kicking in and pointing out the impossibilities that perpetuates the unhappy cycle.


I’ve lost hope in happiness and I feel like I have retired because I’ve experienced everything and now life just feels like the outro credits on the movie screen.  I am more confident but only because I don’t let anyone close to me. 
I keep reliving all the bad times. I keep thinking about how much mental shit I’m into. I used  to dream about being happy and finally achieving everything I wanted. 
Now, if I do achieve something, it just doesn’t feel right….to be honest, nothing feels like I imagined it would and that makes me think more about my way of perception…How is it that I’m so problematic that I keep feeling not enough everywhere or that all my dreams or things I want to/wanted to do, once achieved, are not right or are not right enough….That just makes me want to stop dreaming. Maybe it’s because I’ve watched too many movies and had different/high expectations about things.

I feel like I’m moving away from the topic….even if the topic is unsure to me and others haha


I just want to be happy again, be able to let my emotions out and slowly move on from things and not latch on my previous life so much even if it was the best thing that happened to me. 
Believe in myself and believe in another fairy tale I guess


Thanks :)