I'm not exactly when, maybe about two months ago, I got a promotion at work. I'm currently employed in a major bank here in Brazil and I managed to nail an interview to land a job that will shift completly my career. Instead of doing the bureocratic job of analysing international financial wires, I'll be working with the IT crowd, specially programming automation processes and the intranet. 

The downside is, this position is about 1000 miles away. And my husband is not comming with me, he's staying because he can't leave his bussiness right now. 

I'm going alone. By myself. [Cue music](http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/318/c/8/worlds_smallest_violin_poster_by_dr_j33-d32tvet.jpg). 

My emotions are simply fluctuating in a range that I didn't even think it was possible. Some nights all I can say to the love of my life is that "I'm leaving". And cry on his arms. When he's working, even a tune on the radio will trigger my sadness and I'll find myself crying to sleep. 

I try to justify these episodes since I'm under a lot of stress -while I'll be moving next week, I'm already doing my new job and it comes with lots of responsibilities and I'm working my ass off to be able to do the most basic functions. 

Sometimes I need to rush to the bathroom to cry a little bit. And this whole crying game is starting to get annoying and old, which makes me angry, which triggers me. 

This past weekend was my last with my family. It was great! We went to this restaurant in the mountains to have some fish, the weather was awesome, my parents were awesome, I met an old friend, and she was awesome too. 

But my actual success story starts Friday. 

For those unaware, Friday was the Brazil vs Colombia semi finals match. And I live in downtown São Paulo.

The day started great, I only had to work half shift because soccer, there were some massive server problems and I ended up working an extra hour. No biggie. I rushed home to get my stuff and run to the subway station. 

When I get home my husband was terrible, he went to the hospital the day before and was diagnosed with amigdalitis. He wasn't in the mood to travel to meet my parents, which made me very irritated. My mother insisted that I brought him with me, but he didn't change his mind. I tried not to care and went on my way. 

The subway station was simply flooded with people. It was impossible to get in. I started to freak out and my cellphone was playing [Aphex Twin - Windowlicker](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fmo1Sjn7dg), exactly at that moment were the song goes beserker. 

I wanted to sitdown and cry. I wanted to run across the crowd and smash everyone. I wanted to scream. I knew I was triggering at the worst moment possible. There were dozens of military cops all around, any shit I'd do would get me arrested, and the underground news about how they are 'losing' arrested people would mean that I might dissapear for the weekend. 

I immidiatly change the track to something more... amotional [Smith n Hack - No Gimmicks No Flash](http://www.beatport.com/track/no-gimmicks-no-flash-original-mix/630668) did the trick. I decided to walk to the next station, maybe there it would be better. 

The streets were crowded and I felt my face was getting red. I was angry. I wanted to explode again. The mechanical groveless beats on my ears were helping me hold back, all I could focus were the small glitches to distract myself for the sea of drunk people on the streets. 

God I fucking hate soccer. 

At that moment I hated everything. I was taking deep breaths trying to remain calm under the situation. The other station was only a few blocks away, as soon as I got into the train I'd be safe. The route I was taking was problably clear because most people would be comming downtown to watch the game, and not leaving. 

I was wrong. The station was as full as the other one. It was almost impossible to move, or impossible to get some air. It felt like a sauna, and I couldn't even find the counter to get a ticket. 

Keep breathing. I can do this. For the worst or for the better I had smoked a massive joint before leaving, so I can give it some credit for making me more calm. 

In a blur I managed to get into the train, and I realized my music player was on random. [The track that was playing was something I wrote the Sunday before.](https://soundcloud.com/jgth/ptsd) About war. About PTSD. I managed to express all the anxiety I've been drowning into for the last moments in those. 

A felt a rush of tears to my eyes. I looked up and took deep deep breaths. I was safe already. I still had to meet with my ride and drive about two hours until I meet my family. But I felt safe. 

I felt proud for not freaking out. As the track approach its last segment I wondered why are these emotions so strong. I wish I could call someone. I wish my husband was there.

I should have cried.  

Why are these emotions so intense.

I took the liberty to accept that I've been going throught a lot. And I managed to stop demanding myself for a stronger state of mind. And suddendly I felt like I was on a deserted beach. 

For a moment I managed to let it all go. And instead of a torrent of emotions dominating me, I found myself in peace. I smiled still looking upwards with small tears running down my cheeks. I laughted at myself while I left the station. I hugged my father who was waiting to give me a lift home. 

Life is good. And tommorow is another day. 