I  am just suspicious that I might have it and currently don't have access  to professional help. Just here to learn from those who have been  diagnosed and get some input. I only plan on labeling myself as a person  who was BPD if I get diagnosed by a professional, until then I'm just a  depressed person.

Anyway, I was  diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety when i was about 11. Never had a  medication help me, been to therapy/hospitalized with no success. I've  noticed some a lot of the symptoms in the past but always just thought  it was my depression and anxiety (it very well may be those). I've  always had mood swings that lasted days of me being happy/content to  being hopeless and suicidal. I have an intense fear of being rejection  and abandonment, It's so bad that I've pushed everyone away in fear of  rejection. Can't be rejected if i reject everyone else right? lol... I  get paranoid and sometimes cant tell the paranoid thoughts apart from  real ones and I disassociate all the time. I've always been impulsive  but only really notice it when i have money. I take my anger towards  others and somehow turn it into self-hatred. I idealize/romanticize  every romantic relation ship I've ever been in, I get so attached and  the suddenly my opinions on them switch over like 2 days and I end up  pushing them away. I kinda do the same things with friend too but it's  not as bad. I always get super intense suicidal thoughts when I get  separated from someone I was close to. I always thought these symptoms  were from my depression but the other night I was falling asleep with  YouTube on and a scishow psych video came on and I literally had 90% of  the symptoms that was listed. I've been paying super close attention to  my moods lately and noticed these things before i watch the video so I  don't think I'm somehow tricking myself.

The  past 3 months these symptoms have been way more intense as i recently  just pushed away everyone i care about and my abandonment issues be  acting up. My mood swings have gone from lasting days to hours. I'll  jump from happy to crying within an hour then from crying to anger. I've  impulsively pushed everyone away even though i tried to fight it. I'm  just sick of hurting people because of my mental illness. I'm really  only here because I've tried so many treatments for depression and  nothing works so maybe its something else, maybe I just have treatment  resistant depression idk. I just keep doing the same shit over and over  and over again. No matter how aware i am of what I'm doing and how hard i  try to stop doing it.

Any input is appreciated.

Sorry for rambling.