I'm stuck in a shit job and not getting payed anything for it but "experience", unable to do what I actually want to work on and not even being able to that because I'm lazy piece of shit that does   
nothing but being depressed  and fighting the fucking urge to not slice my damn arm open for 100th time and that's not even scratching the damn surface of the mountain of self deprecating thoughts in my dumb ass head all I wanna do is have at least  a little happiness that lasts fucking longer than a minute, and is too much to ask for a dream that doesn't make me depressed, scared or sad, but actually fucking happy for once! and as im writing this at 3:17am at night when i should be in bed and asleep instead I feel the need to tell you the reader who will probably never even read this fucking far that i am 16m or 16 f i dont even fucking know anymore and that am i the fuck sitting in a freezing room being a  bitch about all this and should i just "man up" and "take it like a man"  or should i do something should i go to a therapist and repeat the same fucking conversation that ive hat for 3 FUCKING YEARS ALL BECOUSE IVE NEVER  FUCKING OPENED UP ABOUT A GOD DAMN THING AND THAT THAT COUSED ME TO STOP SEEING FUCKING ANY THERAPIST. ive got dreams and aspirations that im never going to be able live becouse everytime i have a rough time i just suck it up and push it even farther down i fucking hate my life i dont want to live, its to tiring, i will pray and hug my stuffed fucking toys that are my most valued posseions and that i see them as family becouse they have always been there for me even at my worst AND I WILL FUCKING PRAY TO WHAT EVER FUCKING GOD IS OUT THERE THAT I WILL EITHER LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE THE WAY I WANT TO AND THAT I  WILL  FUCKING DIE TRYING   it is 3:37 That's all, goodbye