Tldr: I have a hard time finding people I vibe with and a harder time finding those I genuinely want to hang out with. When people want to get close to me, I panic and cut off connection. 


What's wrong with me?
I feel like with all my relationships I have to be performative. Like acting more enthusiastic when in reality I don't care or at least don't care to that extent. It's like I'm too scared to show I'm disinterested. I was always taught to be pleasant and for most of my life (except for a few very close friendships) I would sacrifice my genuine reactions or lack of reaction for the other person's benefit. I'm wearing a mask. I'm being performative, but I also don't know how to be comfortable responding. People end up growing very close and attached to me. But I don't have any strong feelings toward them. Even if we share a lot in common, I still question whether or not I want them around. Am I just picky? I've had a few close friendships in my life, but they ended after some mental health issues on both ends. It took a while to learn how to live by myself. And don't get me wrong, I'm very lonely. I have friends who are so very nice and we listen and console each other, but again I don't feel a strong connection towards them. It's not hard for me to talk about my problems and open up, I've been in many treatment places. The moment someone gets close to me or considers me a friend, I panic and cut off the relationship. Seriously, my brain goes into flight mode and the anxiety increases until I break things off. Now I have a person I met at my job who very much likes me. We talked on the phone and at work. We share very similar views and common interests. Humor has been a huge part for me and unfortunately we don't share that. I was almost hospitalized because she was getting too close. I broke things off, but I still have anxiety since we work together. Me talking to her basically me trying to get to know her. Again, I don't have an urge to hang out or continue a friendship. At least not right now. 

I'm also seeing my psychiatrist and therapist this week. So I'll be talking to them about it too.