I'm in an abusive relationship right now. Im the abuser. I've hit my partner for the first time yesterday, although I've hurt him other times before in other ways. Please dont bash me, I've already got myself for that and I do a very good job at it. *I'm posting here because I want some tips on anger management, on holding back from violence, on not acting on impulse.*


Before anyone asks, I am already awaiting therapy for BPD. I have no clue *when* it is, but if it was my decision this would be done yesterday. 


I hate this. I scare myself, and rightfully so. When I get mad, or feel unheard, misunderstood, left aside or anything negative, really, I start having violent ideations. *I do not control this, this is not on purpose*. I also have really violent nightmares. I am engaged, but I'm so scared for his safety. He didnt take me seriously about my worries until he got hit yesterday and I just....he wanted to leave, but ended up deciding to stay. And I'm really, really dependant on him, he built me back up after years of parental and romantic abuse. I dont know how to break things off, if I should do it for his safety or respect his want to stay and work things together. 

Please help
