TW: Suicide

I’m not suicidal right now but my message will have mentions of it. 
It’s been almost two year since I was planning to kill myself, it got to the point where I sat down with both of my parents because I straight up did not want to continue living and wanted a way out. After that conversation and for some time things got better. 

Fast forward to now; I luckily graduated during the pandemic and got a not-so-satisfying but will make do job, but recently my girlfriend and I broke up and I thought I was going to be fine but I have never been so wrong in my life. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to specifically about the matter because it’s either draining for them or it gets reduced to me needing to move on. For some background, my girlfriend and I started dating  for the better years of my college career and when we started dating we both were socially exiled from our community which I was a leader in which took a big toll on the both of us. We spent a lot of our time together and even lived together at one point. I broke up with her because I felt like I wasn’t meeting expectations, (my own and hers), in the relationship and thought we needed to separate to focus on our own lives. 

It’s been a couple months since the break up, but it’s hard to make friends as an adult and it’s hard to meet new people because of the pandemic. I have some quality of life health conditions that make things just slightly worse but nothing unbearable. I work out, journal, read, game, but I can’t shake these feelings of fucking up and missing her. 

I think right now I just want to vent. I’ve been in the process of trying to find a new therapist. I would like some other perspectives, one of my friends said “You have a tendency to push away the good things the universe gives you. Maybe it’s a form of imposter syndrome.” and that’s been on my mind. Thanks to anyone who made it this far and shared their experience/perspective.