I feel like I’m descending into madness.  The illusions I have for myself are crumbling as they’re becoming increasingly difficult to maintain.  I feel like I’m going to be found out.  I think there is actually one person who is such a nosy motherfucker that can see thru my bs.  Damn it I hate that guy.  I know he talks to everyone about me.  But I digress.  

I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that things aren’t going to be okay bc I just really don’t think things are going to end well for me.  The future is either going to be amazing and I hope it will be or it’s going to be suicide.  One or the other .  But I’m getting worried it’s going to be the latter.  I’ve already attempted suicide twice.  One when I was 14 (‘06-‘07) and more recently which was Xmas eve of 2016.  

I can’t be in a relationship bc it renders me completely dysfunctional.  Just the slightest idea that there is potential for me to be close to somebody and I become completely unhinged.  I actually have no idea how people can continue doing their usual routine while also dating and fostering relationships/friendships.   The crazy thing is I want so badly to be connected w someone but at the same time that can’t happen because then they’re going to see I’m just a facade.

I don’t even know what to do right now or what I’m supposed to think.  I’m not entirely sure what my problem is.  The self injury is getting slightly out of control.  I no longer have a reason for doing it.  Of course no one knows about it except for you reading this.  It’s fucking summer now lol.  I’m out here wearing a sweater and my answer so far has been “My desk at work is under a vent and the ac is blasting” or “It’s so cold at my house that I keep forgetting that it’s actually warm outside”.  My family is going on a beach trip soon and obviously I can’t go to that.  Not that I care necessarily bc I hate being around them.  I’m usually on an emotional rollercoaster but when I’m around them, I just either get really angry or sad.  I’m just exhausted.  I’m a quiet borderline btw.  Nobody is aware of what I am constantly going thru.  In fact, I have a reputation for being energetic, spontaneous, generous, helpful etc.  None of which are actually true aspects of my personality.   But yea I’m rambling and complaining right now but at least writing this post distracted me for a couple minutes.  

Don’t hesitate to reach out to me.  If you feel isolated right now, we can be there for each other.