im a second semester freshman at a four year institution and it's been one of the worst times in my life. college has developed in me this hierarchal way of thinking where there's some people who are good and will be successful and others who won't. like people who go to harvard aren't just smart, they have other qualities and were raised a certain way that allows them to have multiple forms of intelligence and the confidence/ambition to pursue things. i don't just feel like all odds are against me, but i am average on the scale of intelligence/success with others who don't make their dream careers, and it means i won't really ever succeed. 

when i was younger (12-16) the one thing that kept me from killing myself was this idea that i did have "so much to live for" and i dreamt of living away from my parents with someone i loved. but i'm realizing these things aren't easy to achieve, that every person is another individual, and meeting "the love of my life" is a rare thing that won't happen to me.