I am 24 weeks pregnant and going through one of the worse times in my life. I’ve had depressive thoughts before pregnancy, but whenever I’d try to discuss it with my family all they would say is that it runs in the family and I’d be okay. But I don’t think I’ll be okay this time. This pregnancy has traumatized me to the point I don’t want to ever be pregnant again and I honestly don’t want to be here anymore. My life has gone downhill significantly in the last 4 months. Nothing is getting better, I’m at my breaking point. 

I got pregnant young (21) and by someone I haven’t been in a relationship with for very long. We agreed to  keep the baby and move in together after my lease ended. Only to find out shortly after that he was in the middle of a divorce that he kept hidden from me for 9 months and I was already 13 weeks at the time. I decided not to abort at that time because how I felt about him didn’t change the way I felt about my baby, I was still very excited to be a mother through the heartbreak. I still don’t regret it, but I don’t know how I can carry her to term when I’m thinking terrible thoughts and crying every other hour. I ended up moving in with my mom after that and things were fine for about a month. She has an alcohol addiction, but she’s never been violent with me before (usually she would just harass me and say terrible things to me until she was over it). The only difference this time was that im an adult now who had the means to leave and not take the verbal abuse, but when I tried to leave she got physical. She ended up pointing a gun at my chest and the police came because my sister called the cops on her and she went to jail. She’s better and in rehab now, but legally I can’t stay with her and rather not anyways. I ended up going back to my ex’s house because I had no where else to go (he had also convinced me to stop working and continue school so all my money was going to tuition and I’m enrolled full time, so money is tight).

Back at his place things were fine for like 2 weeks maybe until he kicked me out for being upset for coming home at 4 in the morning. Those were some of the most stressful days where I had to figure out places to stay, but I did it. Then he asked me to come back because he “never wanted me to leave” so I did and then a week later he left in the middle of the night and I blew up his phone. He answered none of my calls. I went to his ex’s place the next morning because he still hadn’t came home, and his car was there. For the past few weeks, I’ve been staying with a friend. She’s been a great help, but I know my time is coming to an end there too. Those are just some of my biggest issues, there’s so much more. Im lost and I want so badly to pull through for my baby, she needs me. 

Where do I go from here? All the logical things like getting a job (already have) and saving are the easy parts. I sadly don’t see a future for myself anymore.