A few months ago, I thought I was God. Everyone around me was attracted to my energy. I was buying all my co-workers gifts ($100 silver chains, $40 sports t-shirts, food and drinks at work). I was invincible. Just happy. When people asked me how I was doing; I normally replied something along the lines of „never better, but I hope I don’t fall off“. Bare in mind, I never really knew what being bipolar meant. I’m a proud individual, and had many episodes in the past so I always knew there’s something wrong with me psychologically but I never could pinpoint what it was exactly.

I just turned 25. Been living abroad for 5 years now away from my family. I go through the highest highs and lowest lows almost 4 times a year. After an episode, I normally feel super embarrassed and get off social media at an instant. Deleted my Facebook, 3 Instagram accounts, 2 Twitter accounts in the span of 5 years. I never knew why but after an episode, I normally couldn’t identify with myself anymore. It was super embarrassing looking at the happiest person in the world and feeling like absolute shit. I knew those smiles were legit. I just couldn’t explain how I could go from euphoria to suicidal so quickly.

I don’t feel like writing more or disclosing specific details. However, I recently found out that without a shadow of a doubt I’m bipolar. Hard to admit but very relieving. Now I can look back and understand my behavior in the past.

Only problem is, I got what I need to existentially be at peace but I do not have a professional diagnosis. Anyone else out there in the same boat?