So I decided to do some googling on types of bpd and was wondering if anyone else was specifically like me? Wasn't expecting to but turns out I identify very strongly with the thought patterns of the petulant subtype- but my behavior is generally more "quiet." 

It feels literally impossible to be honest with someone about my feelings. I am a doormat, a smiling face, a shoulder to cry on. But inside? My rage and paranoia are terrifying. There are so many ugly, awful words inside my head, so many threats and daydreams I never EVER mention. 

And at the end of the day? I only act so nice because I want everyone to like me. I need people to think I'm a good person. Needing to control people is a petulant trait- but I don't do it through threats of self-harm.  Instead I lie about my feelings. People talk about "I manipulated this person into loving me." I have done that. I have lied out my ass trying to say all the right words and make the right faces and do the right things to make this person happy, because they like me, and I NEED them to keep liking me.  I do whatever it takes, I date them or fuck them or lie about how attractive or talented or funny I think they are.  Which makes! My paranoia! Crazy! Because ***I*** lie about that stuff, so how do I know the other person doesn't?? 

Idk. Just wanted to know if other people identify with one subtype but act like another.