Anytime I wake up, it's the same horror all over again. 

Why won't anyone talk to me? Why won't they reach out to me? Don't they understand how lonely I am? Why don't they get it? Then I remember: I pushed them all away and told them not to bother contacting me. 

And the suicidal thoughts have returned again since I was reminded that no one would ever love me or see me as marriage-material because of how much I hate myself and how quickly I go from idealizing someone to devaluing them. Black and white thinking, and all, despite me not accepting this viewpoint intellectually. 

I keep cutting myself again. No one would ever notice these scars, anyway. I wish someone would kill me already. I beg for death every night and wake up crying since my prayer wasn't answered and I'm forced to relive this nightmare.