TL;DR: It would be really nice to talk to some people&lt;3

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I'd been exceptionally high-functional all throughout school (though I was ostracized because of my autism) until during my first year of college I experienced a profound and unprecedented apathy, partly due to a codependent and deeply scarring relationship. It's an apathy that has stuck w/ me ever since, long after I'd healed from that relationship. 

I'm contemplating long-term disability. It's gotten that bad and no one knows what to do w/ me. I never thought my life would end up this way. 

I had experiences as a young adolescent (long before any drug use, and which weirdly I'm only lately coming to recognize as exceptional —such as believing in and hunting for cameras in my home/hotels, undressing and hiding under covers for fear of these, feeling as though grade school was all a prop w/ paid actors, designed to determine whether I was worthy of some all-important global or cosmic scheme—sort of like the plot of Ender's Game. Plenty more and a smattering of fairly benign/boring hallucinations.

 I just took those delusions as neutral phenomological reality, and since I was a good student and the beliefs presented covertly enough, (I always had an intuitive mask) it didn't bother me in any way as long as I was left alone. These delusions weren't overtly distressing but hinted towards becoming so, at least if I didn't have/take the time to reflect on and integrate them in a rational framework. 

Unfortunately, that has presently been the case. Each depression/apathy and its corresponding mania/psychosis becomes relatively more extreme and intolerable. The delusions especially take time and energy to unravel. 

 I  take care of my mind and body (meditation, nutrition, sustained intellectual study, exercise, \[all that's missing is a social life, but I commune through art and sometimes online\]) and can honestly say I'm not a threat to myself or others. When I can abstract or analyze a hallucination/delusion, it either disappears or else gradually begins to fall beneath my notice and concern. 

The trouble is, this process of abstraction and rationalization has become nearly a full-time job, one which has its rewards in my creative outlets, but one so all-consuming that I can't work a normal job, I can't take care of myself, I can't experience love or human connections... But if I slip up on my 'inner work' to try and appease the landlord//bossman, suddenly I'm besieged by very distressing and real-seeming hallucinations, whereas, given the time for self-analysis, they were only tolerable mental abstractions.

So, I dedicate myself fully to my study of philosophy, psychology, sociology literature, and pharmacology, while hoping that one day I'll gather enough information to fill my inner void and at least redeem and justify my existence through some piece of transcendent piece of art that might be transmitted and make up for my inability to love and be fully human. Maybe government support is my only chance at that, degrading as the idea is (I'm pro UBI, I've just absorbed so much 'rugged individualism BS that it's how I *feel*). 

I prefer my delusions (which every analyst I've spoken to has said I'm adept at tracing and dismantling) to the side effects of every antipsychotic I've tried. I can't justify my existence w/o my creative abilities and these evaporate w/ antipsychotics for me. The only truly pressing issues when off meds are my negative symptoms, which would have me lying in bed 24/7 if it weren't for my supposed 'Purpose" which somehow keeps on rolling, like Sysphys's boulder... It's such a labor w/ so little reward. 

I don't know what I'm hoping for w/ this post. It'd be nice to share some solidarity at the very least, perhaps some med/supplement tips, or even maybe some wisdom from those who've passed through these waters before.