I recently moved to a new state without knowing anyone, started working my first real job, and broke up with my boyfriend who I was with for 5 years. 

Today I had a day off from work. I did everything I love to do to try to feel something, and I felt nothing. In the moment I was like “wow, I really showed up for myself today” when I got ready, grabbed coffee, read by the lake, bought something for myself. I spent all day out of the house in a desperate attempt to feel. But I am so fucking numb. 

On my drive home, I realized I was thinking about just crashing my car, full send into anything. I caught myself speeding and not giving a shit about anything. I avoid being in my apartment because it just manifests my rumination and I hate the feeling that I’m only being accompanied by my thoughts. 

I wish people knew how much I truly suffer. I have nobody to talk to because of my social anxiety and now I’m just stuck awake, wondering why I’m still alive if I’m not living.