After an uncomfortable day yesterday, and a fight with my fiancé today, (and fighting major depressive disorder/anxiety for 15+ years) I decided it’s time for me to go. Since my fiancé took the gun with him when he left, I had time on my hands. If it wasn’t for him taking it, I would have done it right then and there. I have this thing where if I think about things for too long I won’t do it, so I rush things. For example, the other night the thought of gauging my ears popped into my head. I used to have them gauged, but I took them out because I thought I was too old for them. So when the thought came to me, I didn’t want to remember why I took them out in the first place and not do it so I just went into the bathroom, rummaged through some moving boxes and found a small enough size. This size was 4 sizes bigger than a regular earring so I was scared of the pain that was to come, but me being me, I just gotta do it, I can’t think about it for too long or I’ll bail, so I just shoved it through my ears. If he’d have left the gun, I would have gone into the bedroom, layed flat every blanket we own (which is many) on the bed, then go under them all and pull the trigger. But now I had time, so I guess I’ll write my note while I think of another way. When I got to my dads part, I remembered that today is Father’s Day. We celebrated yesterday so it honestly slipped my mind. I can’t kill my self on Father’s Day, because every Father’s Day to come will also remind them of the day I committed suicide. I’d rather do it on a random day so maybe they’ll forget it some years. So here’s to me holding out until the day is over and until my intrusive, impulsive thought returns. 

Re-reading this before posting, it’s really my fiancé taking the gun that saved my life, but at the same time, I still would have found a way if it had not occurred to me the significance of today.