Today is one of those days where I'm at the crossroad after I've been down every road countless times and now I stand here thinking all the effort is pointless and has been for nothing.

Building relationships. Building relationship skills.
Meditation. Not working. Keep trying. Meditation. Emotionally drained. Keep focused. Eat well, Sleep well and exercise. Emotionally exhausted. I can't be bothered to cook! Force yourself. Once you start you will be glad you did it. Emotionally drained. I can't sleep, my head is racing. Drink hot chocolate. Don't play on phone. If I don't play on phone, I will become agitated and want to rip my heart out. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts. Be easy on yourself! OK but it's not really me. I'm not the driver. I'm the passenger. 
You need to take responsibility! OK, how? Stop blaming yourself! Stop self-pitying! Ok, which one?

Workout! Yes, Workout! Man, I feel good! I am going to do this everyday! Why am I working out? What's the point? Who is there to impress?  

Tick-tock, time is running out! Fuck! I need to find a job I can cope with! What job? That sounds great! But what about when I start the work? The repetition! The people! What if I can't do it? I'll fuck up at some point! What about when you feel vulnerable? Then people see it and provoke you? My reputation! I'll embarrass myself again! Oh no! I can't work ever again! I need to hide in a hole! This hole is depressing, and so is outside! Its all just piercing and disturbing! Everywhere I look! No matter what I do!! 
Distraction, distraction! I'm not being productive at all! Panic!! I'm a failure! I need help but what can help? It takes time! But how much fucking time?! 

Why care what people think? True! Yeah, why should I care what people think? .....Ha! Seriously? Can't you remember the things you've done? Just imagine if you see those people again! Ha! You fool! You complete idiot! How on earth did you end up like this? In this mess? How??? That's the past! Forget the past! But.....just forget it, its done! But.....I.....can't! Thoughts, images, memories, residual feelings! Bombarded!! Constantly!! Too many to keep track of! They make sense but don't make sense! They're there but when I look they fade or become bewildering!!! Relax! Relax! Stop telling me to fucking relax! Fuck! See! Now I'm being aggressive! Shit! I wish I stayed in my hole!! I hate that hole!! 


Positive thinking. All is good, all is good. Things are progressing. I hate myself. You are despicable. Don't listen to it. Don't list....you are subhuman...insignificant....a doormat.... A coward....don't listen...don't listen. Coping strategies, coping strategies... They won't work you fool.... Hahaha....you'll never get better....nothing will work....you are unfixable. 

I like her! She likes you! Really? God, I think she does!  But what if she finds out about all the crap you've done! You haven't even got a job! You can't even muster up the courage to go for a dinner date! You can't even keep your emotions under wrap! Shell think you are a snowflake! She'll feel embarrassed to be with you!! Come on, man! Forget it, it just ain't happening for you! Ok! Best I stay alone! This way I'm not impacting anyone else's life nor will I add more humiliation to the memory bank! 

The never ending loop of emotional torture.