I sat in excruciating pain with my ex-gf with quiet-BPD for months. I hurt myself to the point of trauma / c-ptsd by staying so long (she triggered my anxiety/depressive disorders into overdrive and pushing ME into derealization/dissociation).  I told myself I would never leave her and push through the pain. But eventually the pain was too much and I made her push me away as I become toxic over multiple months. I have felt extremely empty and numb for such a long time just like she said she felt. It’s almost like I started mirroring her feelings. I felt the bottomless void and emotional turmoil of hell, and it scared me so much. I felt crazy. Is this just ridiculous? Is it possible to mirror someone’s feelings like that? Or was it all in my head? It felt like my brain “split”. She told me one of the things she loved about me was “how in-touch with my emotions I am”. Sometimes I just knew how she felt and she was surprised. But I’m not in touch with them anymore.

She had brief moments of realization of what was happening and told me. She had brief moments of knowing how much pain I was in. “Isn’t it obvious that I’m hurting you?”  She told me she knows what to say and how to act and how easy it is for people to fall in love with her. She told me she knew things were going wrong but couldn’t do anything to stop it. I allowed myself to be hurt for what? Love? Did she ever really love me? Was it all an illusion? Why would I allow myself to be hurt for so long?

My new therapist is giving *me* DBT worksheets that she should be doing. It feels like I’m the on with BPD now. I crossed boundaries and betrayed her trust in moments of pain-filled weakness. Now she hates me and I’m scared of how I felt with her, and we are no-contact despite myself losing self-control and trying to contact her occasionally. I hate all of this bc I literally confirmed that she could be in therapy but she lied and made excuses as to why she can’t. I really hope she eventually gets help. She has so much potential. I saw it.