 

hi my name is erik. im a 26 year old man and i feel very alone even tho i have plenty of people that i could reach out to. perhaps a stranger on the internet is really what i need, because i feel as i need to be strong and lie to everyone ,including myself about my own mental health. or perhaps im just afraid they would actually try to help me and make me do things i dont wish to do.... the hard ass strong man persona is a tough mold to break. but i dont think its really about ego as much as the fact.... i dont really want help.. i would rather not do anything for myself and maybe that is the real problem....

ever since a young age as far back as i can remember i have been apathetic and lazy i never prepared for my future because i didn't think i would have one...i failed to do anything with myself besides spend every dime i have ever had getting wasted or playing video games... ive never been able to hold down a job. i have a extensive criminal record, i dropped out of school, hell i dont even have a drivers license. i am a leech on my family, im rather intelligent but I've never applied it to anything besides the things i did have limited interest in.

the worst part is i have no desire or drive to change. i am honestly an awful person. a real poor excuse for a human being. i live at my grandparents house with my girlfriend and my child whoms birthday was today. i will never be good enough for either of them. they deserve so much better than me. ive talked myself off the ledge so many time in the past because i hate who i am, i live life with little purpose i pretend like im going to do better ,even tell myself that i will change but i never do at the end of the day in the moment to moment i just dont care... about anything.

i dont know what comes after death. if it is peace just like before you existed, if its hell as some religions preach? or if i would get a second chance to repeat all my mistakes and be the exact same worthless person i am today. perhaps thats why im afraid to die.... cause of the uncertainty if could commit to the atheist ideology i probaly would have pulled the trigger a long time ago... but im so scared that i may be just a bit of code in looping computer simulation or that there is a divine power judging every move i make. so maybe im just too much of a coward to do it....for now anyway.

it sucks when you realize the problems you are facing and literally are not even slightly motivated to do anything to fix it.... just wait and waiting until something forces my hand and i finally check out on my own terms while i fail everyone around me. i just feel as if my future is so uncertain. i feel as if my situation is so hopless. like im powerless to change and i weigh the option of continuing to exist and be a burden to everyone around me with my apathetic smart ass attitude. or if i end it all now. i wonder wich option would hurt the people around me less if i just faded away into nothingness or if i slowly waited for everyone else to give up on me....