I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I've never felt emotionally or mentally "okay" since...maybe even more age 8. I'm almost 30, and I still...? I'm not okay. Not really.

Lmao, am I doing anything wrong right now? No. Because I'm alone. I can't hurt anyone or screw anything up with others if I keep to myself. I don't have a close bond with someone where I'd be comfortable trying to talk about what I'm feeling. I wish so badly that I could afford proper therapy. I really feel like I need it. But it is not that easy. And I've tried when I was on my parents' insurance. But they never let me have weekly sessions, it was always once a month. The various pills did not help that much. Writing doesn't help much anymore. 

I feel so empty. I hate what I see in the mirror. I don't recognize what I see, so I feel disappointed or unsettled. The emptiness and loneliness is terrible. I really have a huge urge to drink or s/h. I really have no energy at all.

I don't know who I am. Or what I want. I really wish I was okay. All my life, I feel like I've tried desperately to be super desirable. No one wants me. Not for long. The novelty alllllways wears off. People will tell you to trust you, they'll promise you, so I let my guard down and then unfortunately I get hurt.

People tell me to communicate what I'm feeling, only to be told that they don't want to deal with how I'm feeling. No matter how mild and considerate I try to address it. And it is not easy to pretend I don't feel anything.

I don't feel anything now, just loneliness. Idk. I just have to accept always feeling this way. I'm tired of being told it won't always feel this way, because something has always been wrong with me and no one hears me. No matter how much I try to ask for help, no one takes me seriously.

A neighborhood boy sexually harassed and coerced me when I was in elementary school? Oh, I'm making it up. 

As a kid, because my mom was always yelling at me, I thought she wanted to kill me. But no one took how terrified I was seriously, or how I had trouble breathing and sleeping. I was told that "I'm such an actress." "I'm so good at making up stories." From such a young age, I feel like I was invalidated time and time again.

Oh, the boy my mom was babysitting throws stuff at me, bites me, pulls my hair, beats me? No, I need to be mature and just take it. I need to help mom. I need to be her little assistant. I WAS FIVE. He was allowed to use me as a punching bag, and I wasn't allowed any peace. I just wanted to be left alone. 

Left alone for hours, still I was only a small child, I was left alone at home with my infant brother. I couldn't be older than 6 or 7 I don't remember too well. But it is terrifying to wake up and be left alone at home, with nothing, no warning, thinking you've been abandoned or something terrible happened. My mom was always going hysterical about how she shouldn't have had us. They kind of shit fucks you up.

I really miss childhood, but??? I feel like I spent the majority of my childhood being gripped by terror. It isn't normal for a little kid to plan what they're going to do if their mom sneaks into their room to kill them in their sleep. My eyes were twitching, from anxiety or lack of sleep, idk. I dreaded school. I always wondered, before going to bed, if this was my last night. I don't think that was normal??? 

Inner child. Damaged? Idk. 

Oh, also? This is fucked up, too. One of the kindest and most supportive people in my life? My dad. My mom berates him so viciously and I just can't stand it. Here I am. Wishing I had a love of my own and I just??? Why??? Why do shitty people get to have love, why? I can't imagine insulting my loved one like that. I am always so, so cautious and gentle and tender with other's hearts. But no one wants a second glance at mine.

My dad would be helping me with my homework, because she certainly had no patience for it. And she would make the most disgusting accusations, like accuse my dad of being inappropriate with me, and to this day, she treats me like I'm her fucking rival or some shit, always making snide remarks and acting jealous. I'M YOU'RE DAUGHTER. WHAT THE FUCK.

I wish someone could help me make sense of all this. Please. I'm tired.