TLDR: The mother of my best friend at age 17 told the woman I babysat for about my psychotic symptoms and the woman thought I abused her baby. 
The actual issues is in the last 3 paragraphs pretty much.

I felt that this would be the right sub because I have BPD traits, was told by my therapists some of my psychotic symptoms weren't psychosis (micropsycjosis in BPD) but just coping, and because I feel that I was indirectly being attention seeking. Though I in no way intended for this to happen.




For starters, I am a 24 yo female with a prior diagnosis of depression with psychosis- later Bipolar II- and two past clinicians as well as some of the psychiatrists I was seen by at the psychiatric hospital a few times told me I have traits of BPD.

I imagine that much of my mental health struggles come from the incestuous relationship I had with my father from ages 3-5 until he passed from an overdose. He was an alcoholic with BP 1 and his and my mother's marriage was strained very much during this time. I dissociated constantly and after he died this became my primary coping skills, as I always avoided my mother because of her emotional outbursts and verbal abuse. I have always been extremely quiet and withdrawn, which made it very difficult for me to talk about my relationship with my dad, especially with my mother.

My mother often behaved erratically and then literally act as if nothing had happened. This is also what happened when I told her about what had happened between me and my dad. Except she ranged from ignoring me, asking me about it, denting it, and telling me I shouldn't have been near him. I told her I understood that she couldn't help me, but that I needed to talk to someone outside if our family for help. She told me she would tell them I was lying and talked about committing suicide. I seen my mother as fragile and kept my mouth shut.

By my late teens I was back in therapy, but due to having so many dissociative symptoms as a child, I did not have clear, detailed memories of what happened and was terrified of bringing things up that would trigger my mother's anger (she had remarried, found out she had cancer, and no longer had anger outbursts). I wanted to maintain peace but in an emotional fit, told my therapist that if my mother found out too many of my problems that she would kill me or herself. My therapist was shocked but talked with my mother privately. After this, my therapist's demeanor towards me changed completely and it seemed like she no longer took what I said seriously. This is when I slowly began to give up on myself because I was losing my ability to believe what I knew to be true, as well as my ability to trust my gut and filter information.


Probably a couple months after this, I began talking to a girl in my head, which eventually multiplied into four people, one of whom was persecutory and had sexually abused the young girl. My therapist said she believed the sexual content came from me being devoutly religious (I had already expressed to her that I believed I was sexually abused but could not describe a clear memory) and said that talking to the people was a coping skills for expressing feelings I didn't otherwise feel comfortable expressing. I took myself to the hospital when I was seventeen after a near suicide attempt and the doctors said this was psychosis.

I took my antipsychotics, though I was growing confused as to whether I was delusional or literally making this up to cope- it seemed I was being told two different things. 

Anyways I met a friend a few months later who would ask me what was going on repeatedly whenever I looked sad. I told her about the 'people' in my head and was surprised that she didn't seem bothered by it. She asked me a lot of questions about it over the course of the next months, which I realize now I was extremely suggestible and was not taking my meds as often as I should have because they made me sleep and I was staying out late with her sometimes. This was when I felt mist bothered by the 'people' and struggled with thought insertion and wasn't following conversations as I should have been


I had babysat for work over the summer and the woman I worked for asked me if I had any friends that could take over for me when I went to college. I told her my friend and they met. The next time I went to the woman's house and she looked afraid of me. She asked me about my mother's cancer, my SI (neither of which I had ever mentioned) and then said my friend's mother told her about the voices and how one was a child molester. Tears streaming, I was honest with her and told her that I was always medicated when I took care of her children and that they were always safe. She asked me to swear on everything and asked me if I sexually abused her baby. I swore on everything, my dying mother no. 
She said she believed me and was sorry this happened this way and that she hoped I get the help I needed.

I went to the hospital the next day for SI. They told me I should t have admitted to the hospital, except for one doctor who said this was due to the delusions, me not fully taking my meds and me being suggestible. They all said that they believed and knew I hadn't hurt any kids


This is very hard for me to remember because I feel like I shouldn't have been babysitting because  of my symptoms and I feel that I was being attention seeking and was perpetuating a delusion that wasn't there in an effort to validate myself. I am so sorry for the mother and her family to have to had think those things and question if her kids were safe.

Any advice on how to move on would be helpful.



