No one understands. No one wants to or they wave it off or pretend it doesn’t exist. 

My boyfriend is my FP. Which I think is pretty normal. But it’s gotten to a point where it’s so unhealthy I don’t know what to do with myself. If he says he’s hanging out with his roommates, I get upset. If he says he’s doing things with his fraternity, I get jealous. When he cancels plans or is late I get angry and lash out. It’s not healthy. It’s like I want him all to myself and if anyone else spends time with him I hate it. And it’s so fucked up. It’s so so fucked up. 

Last night just because he went to a basketball game instead of coming over to study I freaked out and told him I hated him and told him to go fuck himself. I hate that I’m like this. It’s like I’m not even my own fucking person. Someone here compared it to being possessed and they’re so fucking right. I love him so much. I never want to hurt him, but I do. And I hate that I don’t even recognize it until after the fact. What the hell is wrong with me. He tells me I just use it as an excuse after I lash out but I don’t mean it as an excuse, I just wish he could understand.

The part that really fucks me up though is how I’m realizing he and everyone he knows views me. That I’m manipulative. That I’m crazy. That I’m controlling. I asked him if he was scared of me and he said he was scared to check his phone in case I lashed out at him. I told him I hoped he didn’t think I was manipulative and he just stayed quiet. I hate this. He talked to his roommates about it so I know they hate me now. I can’t ever go over there again. I don’t want to be around anyone he knows because I know they don’t like me. 

Part of me thinks I should leave him. He shouldn’t have to put up with this. He says he loves me but... I can tell he’s tired. He doesn’t understand and neither do I. It’s not fair to him that I’m still navigating this and he just has to suffer for it. I don’t want to leave him because I love him so much and the thought of him being with anyone else or me being with anyone else makes me physically ill but I don’t want to keep putting the person I love through so much pain. I don’t want him to be afraid of me. He doesn’t deserve that. 

