as the title says... yesterday i had work and saw my fp again, and while i got to talk with him a little more than usual, i just felt like it was kind of lackluster and he was really "disappointing" me. and i came home really excited at first not to have my whole mood reliant on his every word, but this morning i woke up and immediately was thinking about him again — no longer adoringly, but almost like i'm just absolutely sick of him and annoyed by our interaction. which sucks so fucking bad!!! if i'm going to be obsessively thinking about him no matter what, i'd rather be head over heels, not putting him down every three seconds!!!

ugh i just feel so shitty and idk what to do — this is the first time this has happened since i learned i have bpd, so i feel both hyperaware yet also terribly lost at the same time, knowing i shouldn't lash out on him but also being unfamiliar with any other path... i keep having moments like right now where i suddenly have a bit of clarity and just feel absolutely terrible and guilty for "betraying" him when i know he hasn't changed and it's all me :(((