Hi everyone

I've struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was about 8-9 years old. I know it seems too young to experience that but I had a abusive mother, was sexually abused by family members, bullied at school and couldn't focus in school. I would always sit by myself away from everyone and tell myself everyone would be happy if I was dead or gone. I've tried attempting suicide when I was 14 and 18 I am now 26. 

I've tried going to therapy and it's either too expensive or I can't find the right therapist. I've tried betterhelp but that's far too expensive for me as well. 

I've been having a relapse with my depression on and off for the past year again, and I've always struggled with anxiety but the past few weeks have been bad. I've been looking up methods on how to kill myself, I've stayed up really late cried thinking about just doing it already and started thinking of a plan again. I've even picked up a knife and dug it into my wrist (I haven't cut myself since I was 18). I haven't been this bad in a very long time. 

I told my partner about my suicidal thoughts awhile ago and he hasn't really been here to support me because he doesn't want to lose himself in a relationship again. I've told my best friend and she freaked out (she knew me when I attempted suicide 8 years ago) so I don't want to stress her out. I've reached out to helplines and they just tell me to go see a GP but the process to find a good therapist and I'm scared of taking antidepressants (mother and best friend had a bad experience with them).

I don't feel any support right now. I'm currently living alone an hour away from my partner and overseas from everyone else. I've tried telling friends I'm not doing well mentally but no one has really checked up on me or tried being there for me.

I'm just at the point where I don't see things getting better. I feel so alone and that I will never have the life I want. I'll never experience deep love. I don't ever think I'll ever live a life without my mental health and that just sounds horrible. 

I don't know what to do. I'm considering taking my life in the next couple of weeks.