First, I just posted this in a group for anxiety and depression, and then decided to post it here as well. I'm only posting it in the two groups, but I just wanted to try broadening the search for people that may understand and want to reach out.

A bit about myself, I'm new to this group. Browsing groups about anxiety, I found this one, and it felt like exactly what I'm going through, so maybe this is where I should try to dip my feet socializing, among like minded people without fear of judgement.

I said recently that I have three driving forces in my life. My job, my obsession with classic rpgs(video games), and my crippling depression. If I can focus on just one of those first two things, it drowns out the third usually. But the problem is that in doing this, it creates several side effects which I project outwardly. First is that I have a sort of tunnel vision about these things, whether its work or gaming, so when I do, I tend to shut out everything, and more importantly, everyone. I see it as doing it well, even efficiently, but afterwards I reflect back and see the missed social opportunities. Second, it projects out a feeling of self imposed isolation, which deters people from wanting to approach me either. It's because my tunnel vision is a sort of resting bitch face, so to speak. Third, when people do approach me, typically at work, I find that I cannot be social, even if they do. No matter what I say, it is not what I intended at all. It will be things that just come out awkward and nonsensical, like "Yeah I umm." Or "I feel understand that." Theyre efforts at speaking, undermined by my own self doubts in real time.

So the headline was about self worth being a downward spiral. What I mean is that I never feel that I'm good enough for anything or anyone. I never feel that I deserve happiness or even that I belong on this earth. I do feel that sticking it out instead of ending it all is what people expect of me, so that weirdly has begun to tie into my self worth, and I can't do that for fear of further contempt publicly. So I'm finally, after 34 years, no longer a suicide risk. That's about the only upside to this whole post unfortunately. I am a man that's in pretty good shape physically, not great, but I'm doing well. That said, my hairline has been receding horribly since I was 19, due to awful genetics and a busy job with baseball caps in the uniform. Doesn't matter. It makes me very uncomfortable so I wear beanies in public. Next, I fell into some particularly dark depressions in my late 20s and again over the past year, that when that happens I just stop taking care of myself. Eating, grooming, cleaning, bathing, it just all falls off. When it's really bad I have to just stare at the ceiling in bed for hours crying intermittently. The effect of this I'm getting at is that my teeth are in horrible shape. That's so embarrassing I cannot begin to tell you here. For a person such as me, it creates even more fear of judgement when speaking to someone irl, or online, where it makes me want to avoid video chatting or even smiling in pictures. When you smile less because you think you look ugly, it gets to your head over time, trust me. Granted these are issues which could be solved. I could shave my head and maintain it. That takes commitment which is hard for me in an unstable day to day mentality. I could and should see a dentist. Site every bit of social anxiety, especially fear of judgement, and add to that my financial worries, plus a somewhat expensive smoking habit, and I always put it off til another day. Being unable to talk to people, isolating myself further fuels the depression and the spiral perpetuates.

I do love cats, and have two. They keep me company and comfort me when I just randomly cry for no apparent reason. So that's something. Just needed a splash of happiness in here. 

I'm diagnosed as bipolar, so my ups are really happy, but my downs are just abysmal. I try to make friends and use my ups to my advantage when I can, but if by some miracle that works and I make a friend, or even better, meet a nice woman with a spark of romance there, I find that when my mood swings back down to depression that I sabotage those relationships with long episodes of self loathing, which inevitably drives them away. 

I used to only be bipolar and depressed. The social anxiety is a newer development for me, hence seeking groups that understand it better than I do. I used to actually be incredibly social and even charismatic. I always had these disorders, but I managed to keep them at bay and live normally for the most part. I had a relationship for 8 years where we didn't really go out ever, and when it ended, just over a year ago, I realized that all my social graces were simply not there when I tried to draw upon them internally. I've tried very hard to meet people online to compensate for this sense of body shame I've imposed upon myself, which had decent success in the beginning, budding a few consecutive romances and or flings online, but nothing stuck, because I tend to sabotage my own happiness, by means of ruining those connections, focusing on my depression/self loathing. These days I just work, game, smoke, and try like hell to find the courage to talk to people, but it just doesn't work. I know my issues run too deep to have a normal relationship, or at least preclude making it easy. I try to focus on finding little joys, like trimming my beard occasionally to have a moment of pride in my appearance, or treating myself to a meal that isnt just basic and terrible. Sometimes its just bathing and doing laundry on the same day just so that I can go to work smelling the peak of freshness. Usually it involves spending inordinate amounts of time on either my job or my games to reach a state of perfection in some tiny degree. Those achievements fill me with accomplishment, which helps me rise above the depression. Baby steps, just like in the movie what about bob.

I hope that by posting this, maybe I can make a friend or two that really understands me for who I am. I never really talk about this stuff anymore, and it's been weighing heavily upon me the more isolated I become.

Thanks for reading, it means a lot to me.

James