I reached out to people years ago but no one really stuck around. I used to message people and try and talk then stop replying to them after a couple of messages. Like the loneliness went after the contact was made. 


I hate my past self. I barely remember my 'teens' I have no sense of good memories or a feeling of happiness. When I look back it's like looking at a huge blank canvas with a few scrappy bits of paper on it. If I try hard I can remember and photos help but WHY DONT I REMEMBER. 

My life wasn't that bad, I just plodded along. Got drunk a bit too much at 16/17 but aside from being extremely lonely, pushing everyone away and isolating myself...self harm and hating. I ran away too. And overdosed a few times. But I wasn't that bad. 

I wasn't rude or nasty either. I had terrible mood swings and started punching stuff at around 17 but I was usually nice, kind, polite and caring. I still am. I'm very empathetic and was the biggest agony aunt in school. Why did people use me for info then leave me?
I often question if I was a terrible person or not worthy of a friendship... 

What am I to know I don't even remember half of it. 

This is a stupid post and i'll probably delete it. Sorry everyone. I needed to write this. Now I'm sad.