&gt;!I had a bad dream yesterday:!&lt;

&gt;!I dreamt I was in the subway at night with tons of bags and luggage. I was lonely (despite being people in the subway) and I think I saw a familiar face in the station. He recognised me but he was in a hurry.
And then I got home and my door had been replaced by a prison door...!&lt;

&amp;#x200B;

&gt;!I woke up terribly anxious. I don't even think it's anxiety at this point. It's fear.!&lt;

&amp;#x200B;

&gt;!I'm 32 (female) and I live in a 16m2 studio, like a teenager. Everybody else is moving on with their lives.!&lt;

&gt;!I'm afraid to go back to my family for Christmas.My cousins started having children and there I am. I know it makes my parents sad. It makes me sad. And there's nothing I can do about it.!&lt;

&gt;!I have never been loved unconditionnally. And when I dare expressing my sadness about being miserable people give me all sorts of advice that could be summed up like this:!&lt; **you must earn it.**

&gt;!That's it. I must earn love which means I need to do all kinds of efforts because me as a person isn't worthy of love and that's how it's always been since I was a child. !&lt;

&amp;#x200B;

&gt;!In the end all this effort is a waste. It's a crazy waste. I don't even feel real. Nothing feels real around me.!&lt;

&gt;!I know I'm 32 (because I know I was born in 1989) but I feel like I'm much younger. "Wait! What happened? Last time I checked I was 20! Where have all these years gone?"!&lt;

&amp;#x200B;

&gt;!I don't even enjoy going out with friends anymore. Their company has become uncomfortable. Those who live a happy life make me feel uncomfortable and those who don't too because they are a reflection of my own loneliness.!&lt;

&gt;!And I know I can be genuinely happy for people when I am happy myself. But when I'm not everything makes me anxious. !&lt;

&gt;!I would rather lose every single friend I have than having to witness everybody's life evolving while I'm stuck here. Sometimes I'm just ashamed to be around them. !&lt;

&gt;!At night I look at the darkness in my room with terrified wide open eyes and I think that this is me forever.!&lt;