I have both quiet BPD and ASD. Both of those things interfere with my ability to socialize by a lot. That tied with just bad luck.

A few years ago, I realized that I have bad luck with people. Most of the people I've been with used me, ghosted me or abandoned me in some shape or form, or just flat out treated me like shit. Only a few of those people have been gems, but even those have hardly lasted. If its not either of us, its a third party circumstance.

I've had a handful of FPs over the course of my life, and that has fucked me over in various ways. I have many stories related to that.

When I transferred to my university in January 2020, it seemed like I was making progress socially except when just when things were going well, COVID hit and I had to say goodbye to my friends who decided to go home to their families. 

The pandemic made my already awkward enough social skills regress. Its harder to socialize even if I try. The only person I can truly socialize with is my girlfriend who is also my FP and also borderline (We actually have a healthy relationship since we both have strong boundaries and communicate well). I have a fwb that I hang out with once in a while (We are open/Poly) and my friend from class that I study with sometimes.

I made an attempt to get myself out there and meet people last year using tinder and Facebook. But that repeatedly resulted in either getting stood up, terrible hookup, or getting used for something like my money. I always ended up feeling like shit afterwards. I feel alienated enough with my mental illnesses and each time I try to fix that by socializing only to feel alienated once more. 

I got tired of repeatedly having shit experiences. So I made a decision to permanently stop meeting new people and making friends. I don't go on dates anymore other than my partner and I only talk to those few that I know once in a while. 

The downside as of 2022 is that I feel more isolated which doesn't help my mental health. I turn 24 this year so I feel like my window in socializing as passed anyway. My social skills have regressed further more to where I can barely look at a cashier. I freeze up in all social situations now. I made a post talking about my experience being with my girlfriend and her friends where I shut down basically. I feel paranoid all the time and can't trust anyone other than my girlfriend. I assume people just want me for my body or money.

It may become more problematic now. My girlfriend has been inviting me to hangout with her and her couple of friends WHO I HAVE ACTUALLY HUNG OUT WITH BEFORE I MET HER. But I had arrangements to hang out with them a year ago where they canceled on me at the very last second at the time of all my social fallouts leading up to my "decision" so I just split on them since. My girlfriend happened to be friends with them later and told them that I was hurt and they both sent me a message apologizing and wanting to make it up to me and inviting me to hang out. And while I appreciate it, I can't get out of my "split" head space. 

Essentially, one part of my brain is like "Hang out with them. You need it after being isolated for so long" but the other part of my brain says "Don't do it! You will get hurt again. You always do. Don't trust anyone!" So on one hand I feel like I'm missing out but on the other, my social phobia has gotten so bad and the whole point of overcoming it is to see that it won't hurt you but I get hurt when I try. Thats why I gave up on everyone. Since I am so indecisive, I've left those friends hanging.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I made my decision so that I wouldn't be hurt again and having my time wasted, but I hate feeling like some feral animal who can't socialize for shit. I'm tired of having such shit luck too and I don't know how to change that.

TLDR: I got tired of being hurt over and over, so I permanently split on everyone except my girlfriend. I made my decision spring of last year