this will be a fucked up vent

when i think of my self harm, i don’t do it to rid of mental pain, i genuinely find it fun. part of it is probably related to how i’m dissociated constantly, i’ll just randomly punch myself. i actually don’t enjoy the pain part too much, more just knowing that i did something. i’ll punch my thighs till they’re black and blue and pull my toenails out. i’d do the same to my fingernails and would punch myself in the face if i lived on my own but i’ll just have to fantasize about it until then. i’m not the biggest fan of cutting cause a) it’s obvious unless i do it somewhere hidden (hip, genitals, etc) and b) it scars really bad but at the same time i love the blood. i recently bought a bunch of fake blood and just played with it and poured it on mmyself but it’s not the same as doing something