A little background. I am young, I was diagnosed at least 4 years ago and my psychiatrist at the time never really explained things, they told my parents I was borderline and explained it as “almost having depression but not quite”. I spent years wondering what was wrong with me and everyone thought i knew, my parents didn’t understand what bpd is. A month ago or so I decided to take the leap and finally ask my therapist (they work closely with my ex-psychiatrist) and she told me I had bpd and explained it to my parents, I knew what it was I just needed to hear that I truly had something and wasn't just a malfunctioning "normal" person. I am slowly learning how to cope with the stigma and finally feel like my feelings have a reason.

Ive been in a long distance relationship for 3 years and a half, I’ve recently moved closed and we have been able to do visits more often. It’s hard as hell but the way he makes me feel and understands me and takes care of me is unlike anything I’ve ever had. 

A month or so ago he fell into depression hard, he has adhd and being stuck at home (with a really awful home environment) and losing his job took a huge toll on him. He started talking about leaving me, the reasoning fluctuated a lot. Things like I would be better without him, he would be better without me, he needed space, he didn't see a future for us, etc. I saw my FP go from asking me to marry him every other week and wanting to spend every second possible by my side so maybe calling once a day, barely messaging, saying he missed me but every time he looked at my face he would remember how we were apart.

One thing is for someone to leave you because they stopped loving you or they met someone else, don't get me wrong it hurts but hearing someone say they still love you but they can't be with you is devastating. We held on for a bit over a month maybe almost two, he had drops but I was always there fighting for us, we would also have amazing days where I saw little glimpses of true happiness in him, in those days we laughed, we spent ages together and life seemed a little closer to being normal again.

Today I screwed up, I had left the house which is already a huge step for me with my anxiety and when I was on my way home he called me, all smiles missing me asking when I would be home. I got home not 5 minutes later and something had happened to a really important person in his field of interest and he was devasted, I told him to take his time and popped in a shower, when I came back he said oh I'm going to play a game with so and so to calm down. I got jealous, this guy came back into his life super recently and he started always going to him for help, suddenly I could no longer calm him down or help at all. Long story short I got upset asked to help and he called only to ignore me and talk to his friend. I hung up. One thing led to another and he was back to saying he couldn't handle me, I was selfish, he needed me and I made it all about me...

It was a huge argument, sometimes he would yell and swear, I would be sassy and cold, I hate when I get like that, I don't want to hurt anyone especially not him but when he is saying a bunch of untrue stuff I can't help but talk back. He told me about the issues in our relationship and 99% of them were not US problems, they were me. The night ended with him having to go for dinner, I asked if we were broken up and he said not yet, we said I love you, he said he didn't know if we would talk again that night and left.

I think it's over, he says he loves me but he picks apart every awful thing about me and lays it out for me as if I didn't know. He told me in those exact words "I need to be alone" but then he said he didn't want to be alone, at the closest point to breaking up he told me it didn't feel right (to break up). 

I'm confused, lost, I feel so unloveable, unworthy of love. He is so important to me but the most important thing is for him to be happy. If he does leave I have support, I have a plan so I don't fall back to old habits of self harm, but it does not make this one bit easier. I'm between self destructing (sex, substance abuse etc.) and shutting myself off forever. I cause so much pain to those I love, I should just stop loving or in the very least hold it in. I should be alone so I don't destroy everything I touch.

At this point I already don't leave the house, have very few friends, it would be easy to just cut everyone off and dissapear. I can't kill myself because it would kill him, so I should take myself out of the equation and make life easier for everyone. He will be up in a few hours, it's ending soon and I hate that he spoiled me with so many gifts, my whole room is infected with him, every corner, every nook and crany has memories and soon I'll need to pack it up. Worst part is it is my mom's birthday, I have to hold myself together so I don't ruin another relationship.

It's time to be alone.