Hi, first time posting here.

I don't know where to start really, sorry if my text is a bit of a bowl of spaghetti.

&amp;#x200B;

Since elementary school, I've always got bullied, either by teachers or by the students for my weight (which I lost a considerable amount since then). Trying to talk to a teacher about someone bullying me only led me to see the teachers covering the bullies for their acts. After school, I went to my home with my parents who had a toxic relationship between both of them (my mom is the sweetest woman I know, my dad however is a emotional and psychologic manipulator, liar and with narcissitic tendencies). I was often bullied by my dad and manipulated emotionally/psychologically to do whatever he wants at a very young age. Both things led me to miss a lot of days at school, passing the day in front of a wall, in my bed, staring at it. This was my main school experience at elementary and high school. Strangely enough, My notes weren't affected by it, my grades were all over 75% and some of them went to 100%, which my school ended up giving me a scholarship.

I was able to get some distance from my parents when I got 24 where I decided to leave home when we were on the brink of being homeless for the third time.

My passion were always video games, they were somewhat of a safe haven for me where I could just mute my surroundings and escape the problems I had no control of. It eventually got me accepted at a 1 year program regarding 3D model and learning all about the video game workflow and pipeline. I thought that if video games could helped someone to have a slightly better day, I want to be involved.

It was a program that I attempted for many years to get accepted. I was totally fine until I started school this week and the anxiety of not being safe came back again. The anxiety of not being good enough to earn the respect of my teachers and my peers. Not being good enough during my homework and my evaluations, even though I never had a problem with homework in the past, always gave them on time but always stressed until I received my grades which were never under 70%. Since Monday, my sleep quality went to the ground. I don't go in a deep state of sleep and wake up many times during the night. The medication I take (anti-depressant) helps me a little bit I suppose.

The worst part is that, all my teachers so far seems so nice, they truly care about their students and wants us to succeed. They don't feel like teachers at all, they feel more like someone you could get a coffee with and talk!

My girlfriend, who is very supportive (honestly, I couldn't ask better than her, we really got each others back and loves each other) told me that it might be that I'm scared of being successful, since most of my opportunities in life got ruined by something out of my control (mainly due to my dad). She knows that I know I got this and she's very on board to take this journey with me.

I constantly tell myself that it's only one year and after that, I'm done. I've achieved what I've aspired to do for so many years. I want to do the program, but I need tools to calm down and enjoy my weekly routine.

Any advices?