I don't know where else to post this on the entire internet and there be any chance that people see it. It's a cautionary tale about what escapism can do to a person's life. I hope that whoever reads this takes something positive away from it and that if they do and they improve their own life situation - then going through the trouble of writing all of this was worth it. It's not the most organized thing I've ever written because I had a ton of thoughts going at the same time, but I truly do believe that this is important for people who are suffering from escapism, or who have a family member or loved one suffering from it to read what I'm going to say.  It's lengthy, but I hope that you find it to be worth the read.

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People think that because I've lived as a technical shut in my entire life, that I haven't experienced anything. In a physical sense, that's 1000% true. I don't deny that, and it's sad. More on that later. But one of the beautiful things about my life up this point from a growth as a human standpoint is that I have met hundreds - no, thousands of people online. I've met men, women and transgendered people. I've met kids, literal kids as young as 10-12 (although that only happened once so don't weird out on me just stay with the premise) teens, from age 13 all the way to age 19. I've met men and women and trans people. I've met people of so many age ranges, those in their 20s, 30s. I've met married couples that were in their late 30s, and even early 40s. I've met people who were in talent shows, like in the American Idol style (Australian Idol to be precise in this case) - I've met programmers. I've met house wives, and high school dropouts. I've met people who were similar to how I've lived up to this point - physical shut ins. For one reason or another, often entirely of their own making or of their own apathy but also because of extreme poverty (Malaysia, Indonesia, Venezuela). I've met prostitutes, men who pose as women and women who pose as men. I've met multiple trans people, or people with gender identity issues. And to varying degrees, I bonded with so many of them throughout my life. Many I would call a friend, or would call me a friend despite us never having met face to face. I've bonded physically and emotionally with multiple women to various extents over the years as well, at least to the extent that two humans \*can\* bond when you're limited by real life concerns and can only can communicate through text, or best case scenario - face to face via webcam. In another life, where I cared more about my own real life - I could have seen myself marrying any one of those women. I was more close to them emotionally than anybody that I knew in real life. Sad, I know. But a fact in my crazy world nonetheless.

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I've seen and gotten to know some of the best that humanity has to offer, and some of the worst. I've gotten to know people who turned out to later be pedophiles or abusive spouses (men and women). But I've also seen people that fought hard every single day trying to advance their real lives and just survive from one day to the next. Those people don't have the luxury that I've had my entire life, to be able to live where I can ignore my real life for the most part and just observe humanity, and bond with humanity from all around the world while simultaneously doing absolutely nothing of consequence in my own, real physical life. I've gotten to know people from 20-30 or more countries. I've befriended people from 20-30 or more countries. 

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I've gotten to know so many people from so many walks of life - people who had it so very easy in life and people who genuinely didn't know if they'd even still be alive this time tomorrow. People who were given opportunity after opportunity to advance their quality of life in real life but never cared to try, people who were too afraid of real life to live in it (like myself until recently) and people who work 60+ hour weeks just to have a roof over their head and bare minimum amounts of food. I've seen people who did that and more to support their children, or to support a sibling or spouse. I've met people with mental issues and people with physical issues. I guess what I'm saying is, through the internet - a thing that your average human takes for granted but that so many humans will never have access to - I've lived, at least from a mental, emotional and psychological standpoint lived as full a life as anybody my own age has if not even more so. I've worked with others to accomplish goals in online games, or to develop or expand upon communities that served various purposes (gaming stuff mostly). I've managed things like private game servers where thousands of people played daily, and I interacted with and addressed them all just as much as I could connect with any human in real life. And I've done things like that, with varying amounts of people probably a dozen times since I started living on the internet. I've been a staff member or just a community member of various online things that served every purpose you can think of - from gaming to politics to piracy to just social interaction in general for anybody else that may be thirsty for a little bit more.

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I've tried writing a blog, more than once. I've tried speaking out on social media. I was never great at it, and while I did mix in some of how I truly feel about whatever topic of discussion - most of the time I just tried to fit a role. During my dabbling with trying to become a social media person or a political influencer of relevance - I discovered that so many of us just try to fit roles these days. So few of us ever really take the time to ask themselves how they really feel about issue X Y or Z, or person A B or C. They just jump into a camp or a tribe, and become another drone among a sea of drones. I always believed that if I could ever reach a lot of people and truly connect with them that I could change lives in positive ways just because of how I think, and how I feel. I was so desperate to be given that bigger megaphone so I could reach bigger swaths of humanity on the internet, that I could affect the public discourse in a positive way that I stopped being true to myself and I started doing what so many others on social media do - just copy/paste cookie cuter views on whatever issue of the day people are pissed off about on social media that day. 

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I realized that I could do that, and build a name for myself if I was really willing to put the work into it. I started to gain small followings - nothing to beat your chest about but I could already tell that if I was willing to completely sell out who I am at my core - I could eventually have that big following and profit from it, build a life for myself out of it. 

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And then I was faced with a choice. Do I spend the next few years, another ten years even on the internet pursuing various interests - albeit with a financial twist this time - or do I try my best to snap back to reality and start caring about my day to day life and day to day situation, and long term living situation? And I made the choice to myself to start trying to wake up, to start trying to live in the real world. I've basically checked out of reality for at least the last decade, probably longer. I lived vicariously through the internet - without doing anything of value in real life. Mentally and emotionally, I'm as well traveled and as old and wise as any 33 going on 34 year old that's ever lived. But in the \*real\* world - I'm still what I was the day I decided to ignore reality all those years ago: A jobless loser, a nothing with no friends, family who I love but who I never open myself up to and no real hope for a future that can be completely normal. 

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I'm not exactly sure where I'll go from here. Maybe somehow this rant of mine will lead to an opportunity that can help me begin to live in the real world. Maybe people will just read it and go wow, what a loser or what an asshole that's so pathetic he really should just kill himself - and I wouldn't exactly blame them for thinking of that of me. I've thought that about myself for probably 20 years now anyway even before I checked out of reality. As a child, growing up I wanted to be a talk show host or a news anchor despite being so afraid of people and so shy that I never could have done it back then anyway lol. If I focused on living in the real world, instead of living on the internet - maybe I could have had either of those things as a career. At this point in my life, that's so unlikely. Besides, I'm extremely poor and my body for various reasons isn't in very good shape so I lack the self confidence to build towards those, and by the time I get things figured out - I'll \*really\* be too old to pursue those careers.

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I've probably ruined my real life. Barring something crazy happening, I'm probably going to be doomed to working a minimum wage job and struggling to survive. I'll probably never get married or have kids, even though I've always wanted those things. I'll probably never have many friends, because who wants to be friends with a 33-34 year old jobless loser in real life anyway, right? Even if I got a normal job today, it probably won't change much for me. Then I'll just be the loser with a loser job who took too long to realize that real life was happening - and will never be worth anything to anybody in real life outside of my blood relatives. 

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If you've been gracious enough to read all of this, I have two takeaways for anybody who has read it, but it depends on your age. If you're young, let's say a teenager or a young adult - Don't do what I've done. Pay attention to your real life. Finish school, make friends. Get a job when you're old enough if you aren't already. \*Any\* job. Don't pass on opportunities. Just go with things, see where it takes you. And if you're my age or older and you're living a normal life or are younger and are living a normal life - The one thing I've ever truly wanted in life was to be just like all of you. I was simply too shy, too awkward and too stupid to say or do anything about it, until now. And while due to my own real life inaction I'll never, ever have what all of you have - I'm going to figure out how to live in reality as best I can, just like all of you.

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Human bonds and connections that are made on the internet are just as powerful and just as important as the ones that a person can make in real life. I can attest to that better than most. The internet is truly an addictive thing, but it's also a wonderful thing. But always remember - every single human being that ever reads this writing for however long it exists on the internet (I hope people keep it alive through screencaps or copypasta or whatever else) - every second you spend on the internet is a second lost in real life. And one day, if it hasn't already, real life is going to catch up with you if you ignore it. And, it's not pretty if you do as I've done with my life. It's horrifying.

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If you're a hardcore single player gamer, an avid online gamer, a NEET with nothing better to do but spend time on the internet or someone who spends their time pursuing social media fame (not those of you who already have it) - don't forget to live your real life. I was all of those things at one point - and yet I have \*nothing\* to show in real life for it. If you're a shy nerd who is more comfortable with online communities than you are with real people in real life: Get over it. Start trying today. Trust me, years can get away from you in a flash. If you care more about what's happening on the internet than you do about your real life, stop. Today. 

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If I can convince one other person who is living how I've lived up to this point to start living in the real world more, then the cringe that I've poured into this essay will be well worth enduring. I know that most of what I've said, to a normal person is some of the most pathetic and pitiful things that they'll ever read. But, I'm not trying to reach them. If I could go back in time and tell the 15 year old me these things, God knows how different my life would be today. If you live as I've lived, and this writing is resonating with your consciousness - then take it's lessons seriously. Please.

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To the parents out there who read this: If you have a child or a young teenager who seems distant or indifferent - who seems to be completely absorbed in online gaming or socializing on the internet or whatever else - take a few minutes of time and talk to them every now and again. Remind them that you love them, care about them and want them to start accomplishing things in real life, no matter how insignificant. Make them deal with others in real life. Make them get a part time job. Make them face reality. I promise you, if the people in my real life pushed me, stayed on my ass to start trying to live in reality more - I wouldn't have let 15 years get away from me like this.

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To close this out, I'm of the belief that escapism is a legitimate mental health problem and it's going to be much more common in kids and teens and awkward young adults than broader society realizes. If I ever had a chance to be interviewed by someone with a soap box about the broader topic, I have so much to say. And if I \*ever\* get that opportunity by the grace of God, I'll run with it until my dying breath. We as a society do so much, say so much and enact so much for the sake of children and of young people. I'm more certain of this than anything else: Escapism is, and as our lives become more virtual will continue to be, a very significant mental health problem.

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I lived on the internet, and in delusion for half of my life. Any one of you with a shy or awkward family member - particularly if they spend inordinate amounts of time gaming or on the internet on whatever device or devices - talk to them. Pull them back into reality. For their sake. It won't be easy, I'm sure I would have fought back if my parents or siblings ever tried to pull me back into reality - but I would be eternally grateful to any of them today if they did so back then. I've managed to snap myself out of it, probably too little too late but if you're living like how I did or you know someone who is - it might not be too late for you. Wake up.

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Unless somehow this writing leads me to something of real world, real life significance - let this be my last action of significance on the internet until such time as I have my real life in order. That said, I wasn't kidding about wanting to bring attention to this mental health issue. If somebody of any consequence wants to talk to me more at length about this, feel free to message me. I'm sure trolls and douches will too, but that's fine. It's the internet, I'd be shocked if I didn't get negative responses.