My relationship with my partner ended because of my unmanaged BPD. I had lied to him about something I shouldn’t have, and when he caught me in my lie, I blew apart and had a meltdown, relapsing into all of my behaviors I had refused to deal with. He left me, as he should have, and had the right to, and I decided now is the time to do something about myself before I continue hurting anyone else. 

We reconnected about a month &amp; a half after the breakup. He kept jerking me around, asking to hook up one week, then telling me we needed to try platonic friendship another week. He’d then tell me he needed to stay single and alone for a while to find himself, only to tell me that he’d changed his mind &amp; decided to take up my offer to try couple’s counseling a week later. I loved him so much, I went along with whatever goalpost he set his boundary to that week. During this whole time, I’ve been practicing DBT therapy, journaling daily, tracking my behaviors weekly, going back to weekly therapy with my therapist (as opposed to bi-weekly, even though I can barely afford it), and even reached out to former friends I’d split black on &amp; managed to repair all of those relationships. I wanted to show my ex just how serious I was, and myself as well.

I’m closer than I ever have been to having my features go into remission. I’m doing well in school, interviewed at a job I really want, and just might get, and have been exercising &amp; taking better care of myself. But my ex continued to make side comments at me whenever we were together, accuse me of things I had not done, and withdraw from me. I tried to keep it together before our first counseling session (which I had done all the work to secure), but I’d had enough. One day, I described over text to him, after his latest accusation, how his treatment made me feel, and why I felt this was unfair. I told him that I was trying as hard as I could to validate his feelings, check in w/him about his boundaries, and continue holding myself accountable for my actions. But I guess that was a step too far. He became so angry that I would advocate for myself, exploding at me in a flurry of pissed-off texts, essentially telling me I had no right to my feelings, that I “shouldn’t be surprised” he’s acting this way towards me, said he apologized already (I literally scrolled back through the exchange and saw he never did - felt like I was going crazy) and told me to “cancel the appointment, we are done here”. 

I sent him a message a few hours later, saying I was sorry we couldn’t work it out, I had believed there would be room for both of our voices, and that I had not intended to minimize his pain &amp; suffering, or what I did to him. I had only wanted to try &amp; get him to understand that I’m a human being, and if we were gonna try to work this out, then my feelings needed to matter, too. I do believe he might be undiagnosed w/BPD himself, but without a clinical diagnosis, there’s no way to tell for sure. 

After all of this, why do I still miss him &amp; love him so much? Why do I regret standing up for myself? Why do I regret not meekly accepting his treatment of me as I always had? I know rationally that I’ve done everything I can, and the truth is that he was never going to forgive me - he just wanted his cake &amp; eat it, too. He used me, and probably had no real awareness that was what he was doing. I went along with it because of my guilt &amp; grief &amp; thought, based on what he said, that he wanted to work on it. But I was wrong. And I feel like a fool. I just wish I had seen the writing on the wall. I honestly tried so hard to show him an apology through changed behavior &amp; attempts to start repair, on his time &amp; at his speed. I want to believe I will find love again, but now I am afraid that my diagnosis will either scare a potential partner off, or my features will flare up in response to normal relational conflicts. I just have never felt this low.