Sorry guys, I’m going through a lot of ruminating thoughts right now, and the best way I cope with it is journaling/venting. It sounds weird, but having boyfriends argue with you on defending their close female friendships triggers me like nothing else can. 

My boyfriend was honest with me, and said that he went on a date a couple of weeks before meeting me with one of his closest female friends named Jenny. 

I asked him for more info, and he admitted that throughout his friendship with her,(around 7 years) he was attracted to her. He claimed that at certain points, he felt there was mutual romantic and sexual tension, but says that nothing ever happened between them.

My boyfriend believes that when you get into a relationship with someone, you should limit your interactions with opposite gender friends. He told me that ever since we became official, he doesn’t talk to her as often anymore. 

I wish that made me feel better, but it didn’t. I did not feel comfortable at all that he was still in contact with Jenny, even if it was limited. If it was a one-time thing long ago, I could overlook it. However, he said that he went on a date with her a couple of weeks before meeting me. We’ve been together for 3 months, so that’s too recent for me to overlook.

I feel like it’s fair to say his attraction to her is recent. Who’s to say that all of a sudden, after 7 years of being attracted to her, he doesn’t have those feelings anymore? Even if he claimed that he didn’t pursue anything further because they were at “different points in their life at this time,” it didn’t help that he told me he liked that Jenny was a “classy, mature woman.” I’m 22. Of course when compared to her, a 28 year old, I’m not going to look classy and mature. 

I’ve been working hard to stand up for my boundaries in this relationship because I used to be a huge doormat. I let uncomfortable things regarding opposite gender friends slide in past relationships, and subjected myself to bad situations. I’ve had several exes cheat on me with their female friends. 

Being friends with someone you feel romantic and sexual attraction to just sounds like playing with fire. I didn’t stand up for myself then, but I wanted to now. I told my boyfriend that I wasn’t comfortable with his friendship with Jenny, and that if remaining friends with her was something he couldn’t give up, I wasn’t going to stay in the relationship.

There was some pushback, but eventually agreed with me that it’s not appropriate to maintain friendships with someone you fully acknowledge you’re attracted to and interested in dating/having sex with. He then blocked Jenny. 

Fast forward to a few days ago; during an unrelated argument, he blurted out that he was very upset that he “lost a great friend because of me.”

I didn’t say anything then, but internally I was hurt, then shocked. I was initially hurt that I unintentionally caused him that much pain. Afterwards, that hurt turned to concern. Because of the added factor that he had romantic and sexual feelings for Jenny, I wondered if he was upset because he still had those feelings for her. 

We had another discussion where he told me he wished I let him handle that on his own instead of giving him an ultimatum. He said he felt like I threatened him with a breakup, but I didn’t see it as a threat. I didn’t know how else to get across the concept that this was a massive dealbreaker for me, and I wasn’t interested in finding a compromise.

Ultimately, I didn’t think I did anything wrong; if maintaining the friendship was this important to him, he shouldn’t have agreed to cut her off or stayed in the relationship. I don’t want to be made to feel guilty just because I wanted to lay down a hard boundary. He was free to end the relationship; this conversation was also over the phone, so I wasn’t physically threatening him with anything.

I just don’t understand why it seems like he’s going back on his word; he agreed to cut contact with Jenny because he agreed his friendship with her wasn’t appropriate. But now, he says he misses that friendship?