I was diagnosed with BPD about 7 months ago, but have struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager. For the last 6 months I’ve been on a Ketamine trial, and man has it changed my life! Before the trial, I had reached the point of destroying my relationship, having to quit my job, having to move in with family to be cared for, and having severe depressive episodes every few days.

After receiving the treatment, I have a completely different perspective on life. Looking back at my thoughts and behaviours, it was like I was in a distorted reality in which everyone was out to hurt me. So many of my feelings were based on pure BPD delusions. I used to lash out at my partner, badly. Such as… harassing him with texts, calling him multiple times when he wasn’t home at a certain time, getting angry at him for things that were just in my head, and continuously having meltdowns over some ridiculous perceived wrong. I would just completely smother him, be intensely jealous, and constantly harass him for reassurance and affection. My go-to coping mechanism was yelling at the top of my lungs, and sometimes lashing out at inanimate objects.

Thinking back to it is horrifying and embarrassing. I'm ashamed of all of it. I know that in the moment I was feeling pain, so I can partly forgive myself. But honestly, I was so awful and I’m incredibly remorseful. I still have my moments every now and then when I’m really tired or hormonal, but they are so mild compared to how they used to be, and I now try to never take it out on anyone else, because I have perspective.

The Ketamine trial hasn’t necessarily “cured me”, I still feel intensely, and still struggle to cope with certain things, but it has definitely affected the way I perceive things, which in turn has affected how I react to those things. Hopefully one day Ketamine will be approved for the treatment of BPD. Because it absolutely worked for me.