i cant do this. i have been off college sick for three days because exams sent me into a spiral and then a teacher setting an oral presentation proceeded to kick me when i’m down. i hate this. 
i can’t seek help, my mum essentially offers me cbd oil whenever i’m like this but i just want to see a doctor and get some real medication (i understand cbd is sufficient and in fact a miracle worker for some people, but its not my cup of tea). i want to feel better.

i have been like this for 4-5 years, and before that it was just a little less intense. it must have started when i was about 8. 
the thing is, when you’re 8, everybody puts it down to shyness. but now i’m 17, living in a foreign country, with only my mum to turn to and she won’t get me help. i can’t even vocalise how i truly feel to her, or anyone. 

my school is useless, they think it’s homesickness, but i was like this before i even moved. 

i have no motivation; haven’t picked up my guitar in weeks and i only even tried because i knew i would forget how to play otherwise, can’t tidy my room, struggle to get dressed/leave the house and haven’t completed any classwork since being off. there’s more stuff too, but i can’t even put it into the correct words. detail feels both strenuous and meaningless. everything is pointless. 

i don’t know what to do with myself, and i have a feeling this isn’t rock bottom yet.