And suddenly everything seemed to make sense. I felt a sort of "click". Why I was so happy one moment, then a moment later, not. It wasn't even like I had any warning. I would go into this uncontrollable rage that burned inside me for hours-no reason why to it. Everyone in my path was in danger of my lashing out. I constantly changed how I looked, dying my hair or getting piercings, buying a whole new wardrobe when I certainly didn't have the funding for it. I wanted to find some sort of definite identity for myself, anything that made me feel normal. 

About a week ago I went to the mental health facility at my hospital and after a 2 hour session of divulging my inner thoughts and feelings, my therapist diagnosed me with BPD, and started me on DBT every week. I felt immediately calm and at ease because something in my life started to make sense. 

My friends were supportive of me, but I really needed was my family's support. My dad is getting there, but what is really eating at my soul, is my mom. She's the person that believes mental illness is fake and medicine is just the big guys way of screwing us all. I gave her the booklet explaining what I have and how she can support me, and after she finished reading it, she threw me a curve ball. I thought because she had read through it all,  she finally would meet me on some sort of neutral playing field. I was wrong. She tossed it down and said, "Well it seems that I have it too! The whole world might just have it! Wee should all get diagnosed and doped up! It's all just because of society that everyone is claiming mental illness".

I don't even know where to begin with what I'm feeling.  Everyday I feel like I'm going to turn into this uncontrollable insane person that loses touch with my reality and that I'm going to do something horrible.  I'm afraid to sleep because I don't want to wake up not myself. My safety mechanism is to turn numb.  Smile and say hello,  I'm fine. 