I hate it so much. I already basically have had it my whole life but it’s gotten so much worse.

I’ve noticed over the last year a horrible fear that washes over me at red lights. If I had to articulate it, it’s the feeling “at a red light, I can’t get away, I’m trapped and anything could happen.” I’ve been forcing myself to go out at least twice a day because it’s manageable with exposure, I notice it isn’t as bad the second or third time I’m out in a row.

Yesterday, I went to the mall and it was too much. I felt like I could hear every crying baby, every utensil drop and it was just too much. I ordered takeout and I could barely eat it. I tried to go to the bathroom to hide and let that anxiety die down a little and every person felt like they were walking right at me.

I went home and drank 8 IPAs a few hours later. I just can’t. Before Covid, I was active in AA and I had to quit because I would get The Fear going to meetings. I’ve managed sobriety ok-ish alone getting a month or two alone at a time but this weekend it was a constant temptation from loneliness. I feel like all my bullshit life is is pain, dealing with pain alone, my family that never gave a damn, panic attacks, alcohol and some lazy goddamn doctor saying again, “there’s a medication called Prozac. It’s going to give you fever dreams and make you feel worse but you’ll think less about how crappy you feel.” Then some motherfucker ducks in and is like, “there’s a thing called therapy and I’m going to talk about that shit like it’s free.” Thanks a lot.