I feel incredibly alone lately, even though technically I “have” people. But I feel the relationships that are there have been destroyed from years of poor mental health.

I spent a long time very unwell as a teenager, in and out of inpatient, either dealing with my ED, or very poor MH. Because of that when I was in hospital my parents prevented me from seeing my siblings. I didn’t see them for almost 2 years. After hospital my parents wouldn’t let me come home so I went into care. They never visited me in the care home. I ended up building my own life. 

My younger siblings grew up and became closer with my older ones. The older ones just sort of forgot about me. I don’t really know who they are anymore. Our relationship is not great, they don’t call, text. They arrange to see each other without me. I see them at the holidays and that’s it. Meanwhile my parents don’t include me either. They never call me, I try to go no contact and I crack and call them. They don’t make the effort with birthdays or big events in my life. They just exist as a family unit without me.

It’s really hard because I can’t say “I have no family” because they’re there, but they’re not. I feel constantly rejected. I feel alone. I wish I’d never pushed them all away :(