I’m tired of this. 21 years old and the first 19 years of my life was being a fat kid who didn’t have a single friend and played games all day. I don’t get along with my parents and my brother is alright at best. I don’t have a real family. The only
Good thing I have is my dog but she is 12 and may die in 2-3 years. I have never dated before. 

2020 march I wanted to change my life. I lost weight and gained muscle. My previous pics on my profile don’t show it. I fixed my poor posture. Got better fitting clothes. I started rock climbing but stoped after 7 months. It was fun for a bit but I’m
Bored of it now. I made a “friendish” group but we only hung out after we climbed and that’s it. They were 25ish and I was just a young 20 year old. So that fell apart. Still no friends.

I started jiu jitsu last week since my bro is brown belt and been trying to get me to start for years. I’m in week 2 and it’s pretty fun and rewarding. Nice people as well. I also paid a photographer 250 for pics on my dating apps. It’s been up for 1.5 weeks and I got like 3 real matches across 6 apps and none of them are attractive to me. Physically or personality wise. 

I got a really cute and great personality match two days ago. We were planning a date this Saturday when she randomly blocked me. I still cry and had a mental breakdown twice this week at night like right now.

I am tired. I live 21 years on this piece of shit life. No friends. No family. No love interests. No fulfillment. I like the gym, anime, games, and cooking. None are social or the people associated with them I don’t feel comfortable with. 

My brother is 27 and has a rich fun life. Plenty of women. Plenty of friends and parties. It’s always win after win for him. I don’t hate him since I don’t have the energy for it anymore. I just feel empty. I give the impression of a happy fun person. I can make a room of people laugh multiple times no problem. But it isn’t enough to have a friend or a girl to want me. I am always interested in other people and make them feel great.

I dropped out of college and still don’t know what to do with my life. I can’t afford or do therapy due to family shame and money. I am tired. I said to myself in 2020 I will give it my best to fix it. Allot of things are better. But am I happy now??? No…. Still an empty husk.

At this point I want to write a suicide letter blaming my family and making them feel guilty. My dad has blood cancer and will die 6ish years. Any chance of a recovery after that is done. 

I want to grab a gun and go to a public area. I want to make a scene so people look at me. Then blow my brains out. I hope to permanently damage as manny people as possible.

I have been treated like shit my entire life. I’m just a fucking regular guy. Why is my life so shit no matter what I do.