I am a 21 male, i have struggled alot with bs in my past. But all that bullshit is starting to come up again. I live in a family of 3, my sister (14) and my brother (19) i am the oldest of the family, i live in a muslim household. And ever since i was 13. I have told them i wasn’t religious. And thats where my hell started getting worse. I am being constantly beaten by both my parents (mainly my dad doing the beating, and my mom supporting it) i am getting yelled at on a daily basis. I recently managed to get something starting to get me out of house. And live in apartments under supervision. The moment my dad found out i was about to be placed out of my house, he threatened to murder me. He threatened me to bring me back to Kurdistan (thats where they are from) and decapitate me there. Because there it is legal to do so.

I called the center and told them to cancel it. He forced to quit my therapy too. I am now hopeless. Everythint i have been building towards is getting ruined. My mental is getting more and more unstable for every night that passes. I havent eaten for 3 days. And my sleep is getting worse and worse. Even my girlfriend got tired of me, and has blocked me everywhere. I loved her more than anything. She was the one and only thing that kept me going in life. Now that is gone too. She is tired of my mood getting worse and worse, my temper is getting worse. And i rarely give her attention. Cuz i slee at 8 and wake up at 16:00 (4 am) everything is fucked. And all i have been doing is complaining to her. I completely understand why she broke up with me. But that just makes me more guilty for how i have treated her. Idfk what to do with my life anymore. I dont have friends. I dont even speak to my parents or siblings anymore. I am trapped in a room without a window. I lost my job. My school, my hope on a place i can call home. I lose everything. I dont have any income left. I havent paid my last 2 phone bills, my last 2 health insurance bills. And i got a fee for quitting my school. Which was originally €1200, only a 280 left to pay. And i cant anymore. I really really cant take it anymore. I find it hard to find a reason to live. No one cares for me. Not even my own familly. Not even my girlfriend. I dont even have friends to ask them to care. I need help. I cant get back into therapy anymore. Cuz there is a waiting queue for 1 year. I wanna end it all. And idfc what to do. Typing this on reddit is truly my last hope

And i am writing this on a throwaway account because i am scared of the people close to me (familly) finding out about this, and making my life a hell of alot worse for typing about this. I am hopeless…

Sorry if this is not the right place to type all of this…. I have no one/no where else to turn to…