I genuinely think I can get better. I genuinely think I can become smarter, well-read, well-spoken, more hard-working, healthier....... 


Sadly I've ran out of time to become what I should've been A LONG TIME AGO.


things are required of me in the present that I am in no way able to deliver, because I lack every essential skill that everyone around me worked hard to obtain during their teenage years, while I've been hurting, depressed and too unmotivated to achieve anything during that time. I've wasted the most important asset someone could have...


time..


NO ONE CARED ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. How could my parents do this to me?? how could they think I was normal?? how could they let me humiliate myself in the worst possible of ways and still think I was just clueless??? How could they let my youth slip away so brutally due to undiagnosed autism and  possibly adhd, only to find out about this now??? 


why it had to be me?


And more importantly, why am I forced by them to believe I deserved all this to happen to me? Nothing was under my control???


Lately I've been struggling with suicidal toughts and I never even imagined it will come down to this.


Right now I'm struggling to study for finals and I'm crying while trying to read my lectures because there's no hope I have left for my life anymore.. everything is meaningless. I'm nowhere near where I should be in the present mentally, intelectually, socially, career-wise...


autism/adhd should have been wiped out from the face of the planet through natural selection by now..I wouldn't wish this struggle on my worst enemy


I don't want to be put on meds for the rest of my life and I'm terrified as soon as I get the official results for my diagnosis it will become a permanent label that will follow me for the rest of my life. I'm terrified it will slowly become an excuse rather than an explanation for what made me the way I am today