I feel like in ways I didn’t get to experience a regular childhood because of bullying and sexual abuse. I know a lot of people can say they didn’t get to experience a normal childhood but this really effected me.i just want to share my story here. When I was a kid my parents fought really bad and i have a memory or being sexually assaulted by my half brother when I was 3. From middle school into high school I was inappropriately sexual. I would send a lot of nudes to guys for validation and wear revealing clothes. I was developed for my age and it got me a lot of attention. I got bullied a lot, for almost everything you can imagine. I got called all of the terrible names in the book, every day, almost constantly. On top of that, a  group of guys would follow me and gang up on me shoving their hands down my shirt and pants after school by the dumpsters in 7/8 grade while I was trying to walk to my moms car to go home. I never told anyone really cause the few times I did, people blamed me and made fun of me for it. My nudes got spread around as well. This happened throughout middle and high school. I kept doing it for attention and satisfaction because I didn’t know where else to find it. I was so fucking distant from my family. I started cutting myself when I was 12. I have done it occasionally ever since...sometimes as a release, sometimes to punish myself, sometimes to manipulate others. I started to kind of find myself more during sophomore year but fell into an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who was 25, and at 16 I lost my virginity to him. (I had fooled around with sexual acts before then though in the past. And been in shitty abusive relationships too. I have never cheated on anyone. I was only promiscuous when single, by the way).We were off and on until I was 17. He broke up with me cause I overdosed on pills. I kept doing pills and stuff and drinking heavily  and ended up going to a shelter home and then a psych hospital. I then came out and turned 18 and was excited to start community college. However, I couldn’t focus and felt spaced out all the time and had extremely bad anxiety. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I eventually dropped out and have no desire to go back. I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which makes total sense. I want to do something with my life but my brain feels clouded and stagnant. I’m 21 now. I drink beer but no longer use drugs. I’m in a stable relationship with my boyfriend that I love and it’s going on 3 years soon. I am okay but I have these triggers and thoughts and I don’t have my license. I impulsively spend money and can’t save. I refuse to go to school. My brain feels clouded. I still feel like a kid. I think it’s because I want my childhood back. I wish I could have been like everyone else and just fucking been a teenager and not done what I had did. I wish I wasn’t treated how I was. My whole life  feels like a distant memory but remains the same in my head at the same time if that makes sense. Sometimes I don’t feel real. I don’t know what to do or how to be an adult. I just want to be a child again