I had a really stressful week. I found myself tensing up at work a lot and it resulted in tension headaches/borderline migraines. I wound up crying a bunch last night cause I felt so many feelings. Something in me said: you need to take tomorrow off. You need to pay attention to what your body is telling you.

So I did. I did some self care and I went for a walk. I haven't left my apartment in probably over a week so I knew getting fresh air would "make me feel better." I knew I had to do it, there was no option to just sit at home on the couch.

3 miles of a really quiet trail where there was hardly anyone around me, I think I past 4 people in the hour that I was out. Even though it was only 45 degrees, the chill didn't bother me. The coolness felt nice against my skin. I was listening to an album by one of my favorite bands and thinking about the significance of this weekend. It marks 3 years of me moving to a new state. 

I didn't realize how overwhelming it would make me feel. I got home and broke down. It dawned on me why I really moved. I knew I was "running away" from problems, but I hadn't been 100% honest with myself about those problems. And once I started to really think about it, it opened such a large wound that I had been trying to conceal. I haven't broken down that hard in about two years. The last time I did, I wound up taking 2 months off from work because my mental health was so poor. I think back to that time and I'm like oh my gosh, that was nothing compared to how I feel now.

I don't feel amazing tonight... I'm not in a mood to be around people. In fact, I feel the opposite. I feel raw and numb and tired and on the verge of tears the whole evening. But I am weirdly proud of myself for finally finding that wound. I am scared to think of the work it's gonna take to heal it, but I'm glad that I am aware that it exists.