I think this really comes from two things: the deep sense of self-loathing (and perfectionism that comes following around), and the extreme, black-and-white attitudes we have.

I try not to self-sabotage... yet I always do it.

I got notice today that my rent was late and I had three days to either vacate or pay. I am practicing. I am practicing so hard to change my self-talk and not catastrophize. I fought the crippling feelings and smudged out a check, running it to the office.

I wanted to yell, to scream, to tell them to fuck themselves. How dare they threaten to kick me out over being six days late. 

I wanted to call my boyfriend, to scream, to tell him that everything is falling apart, that nothing will ever come together.

I wanted to. But instead I came here. To write.

I hate how I can’t handle consequence or responsibility. I wanted to shove it in everyone else’s face. But the whole time, the money was there. I just never wrote the check.

A rare, painful thing to say: it was my fault.

But I am *not* bad and I am *not* stupid. I will not catastrophize this event. I will tap out my thoughts and I will self-calm. I will give myself love and get over it. I will. 