Trigger warning - this post contains sexual abuse. Also sorry it’s a long read. 

   When I (26F) was really little my mom met a random guy after work and they started talking and quickly liked one another. After a few months I believe the guy moved in with my brother, mom and I. Looking back at it now I have no damn clue what my mom was thinking. At the time my grandmother was living with us so I didn’t notice my moms bfs infatuation with me until my grandmother moved out. It all feels like a blur because my memories are not that great but I remember him touching me inappropriately at random times maybe I was like 6 or 7. I was so uncomfortable and there were so many time I wanted to tell my mom but I physically couldn’t I was so scared of him. Every single holiday my mom and him would drink until they’re drunk and fight with one another, knives all sorts where pulled out and that insinuated fear in me.
    
     The sexual abuse happened spontaneously but it seemed to get worse when I started high-school. We lived a bit far from the school and at the time I didn’t know how to take the Bus route. I’d dress up a little and I remember I used to wear lip gloss and be girly, my moms bf would have to drive me and I remember he would leave our street and pull over and wouldn’t drive unless I kissed him and I would refuse and start crying until he gave up. I begged and begged my mom to transfer me somewhere else so I don’t have to ride with him. I still didn’t speak up about the sa and I was transferred, I ended up traveling about an hour to school but I didn’t care. There were many more instances of him being inappropriate to me but I don’t want to go into detail.
       
     Looking back at it now I wished younger me would just fucking speak up. My mom and him separated for a while and we moved to another house and I was happy that he was gone but shortly after she let him move back in. When I tell you something inside of me kept pushing me to confess to my mom it was insane. 24/7 the only thing in my head was “You need to tell someone about him or he’ll do it again”. So after a while I told my mom about him and she denied his actions. I was speechless. I went back a few months after but this time I told  my brother and he was extremely mad and my moms bf had to leave immediately. My mom on the other hand kept denying what her bf did and accused me of lying. She then left with her bf and didn’t come home for a month. 
   
      I’ve never felt more unworthy or useless in my entire life. My own mother turned her back on me. I didn’t get to live a normal life or be a teenager. I didn’t get to enjoy my early 20’s because I was terrified of being around a man who I thought at any moment would molest me again. I had a guard up 24/7 all i wanted was to  be freed of him. He came out of my life but that scar will always be there and I always grieve and wish I could of just had a Normal life like everyone else. I don’t have a social life now or any friends and I don’t want to have to explain to people why I’m so depressed, why I have to live everyday with a parent who doesn’t give a shit about me. My sil would make jabs at me and insinuate I’m a loser because I have no social life or friends at 26 and that I’m home 24/7. But sometimes as much as I want to go out there and live I’m mentally drained. I don’t care who wants to make fun of me because no one knows what I’ve gone through. Some days I wish I would dead then maybe the horrible memories would go away.