Can you text me please? It's probably not a big deal for you but it would seriously help me. I'm done with alcohol, I mean it. Once you said I was annoying cause I kept complaining about being in pain and at war with myself.

I'm sorry im always stuck ruminating about how I feel and how doing the simplest task that involves interacting with other people seems daunting. You helped me with that, you took me out and showed me that I don't have to always second guess myself and that some people don't find me wierd and understand and relate to what I say.

I'm sorry I hurt you. Sometimes I snap and do stupid shit because my thoughts deceive me and I can't help believe in them even though i know the odds of them being true is slim to none. I still don't know why you liked me so much, maybe I never will and I know that can be frustrating but I think most of the time i appreciated being able to have you around.

I'm sure life is easier with me out of the picture and I want you to know that it was about time you were free from all the mood swings and paranoia and drugs and overall craziness. Im really glad you were able to move on, you seem happy in recent photos. I shed a tear, sure, but with a smile on my face.

I don't wanna go back to that beach, don't wanna get back together. Just a text, something that tells me you still care, someone who really knows me cares. Yea I feel guilty, I don't wanna seem all desperate and text you cause we haven't spoken in a while, don't wanna give the wrong impression. Can't find the courage to send you wtv the fuck this is..

Things are getting so crazy rn, Im questioning if you'd attend my wake. And I want to assure you that I genuinely don't know the answer, maybe it's BPD maybe it's just me, I don't know. 

I still consider you to be my best friend and it would really help if we could just talk for a bit. I know I probably deserve the silent treatment, but you're better than that, and yet again I need you without deserving you. Yea, its selfish but then again I'm in a lot of pain and confusion atm. You're the wisest person I know, even my dad says so, and he's a fucking asshole.

Please text me, it'll probably get me through the week. I miss you, and that whore you warned me about is out of my life for good. You were right and I'm an idiot who can't control himself. I don't know how you're doing right now, if you're lonely or if your boss is being a dick to you or what show you're really into rn. I miss playing with your makeup and dress up like we were 6 x) and that lemon merengue pie, holy shit that is the meaning of happiness.

I want my friend back. That's enough writing for today.