I've had a long standing fear of the dentist. A few bad experiences combined with guilt about not looking after my teeth has made my dental health a nightmare.

I have a great dentist who is so gentle and kind that I no longer need valium or even anaesthetic when I see her. She's extraordinary.

Unfortunately, six months ago I found out I need a wisdom tooth taken out. This is a pretty basic procedure that COULD be done in the chair but when I saw the surgeon he said that my anxiety and my tic disorder meant I should really get a general anaesthetic.

Months went by I couldn't get an appointment. He was booked up, I was too anxious or too busy, and my city went in and out of lockdown.

Last week, my tooth finally started to hurt. It was so painful that I couldn't lie down and spent two nights sitting up in an armchair, unable to move my head. 

I got some antibiotics but the tooth needed to come out.

I rang the surgeon only to find he had left the country! However, his colleague agreed to see me. Because elective surgery under a general anaesthetic isn't possible due to COVID regulations, he suggested "twilight surgery" where I'd be technically awake but so doped up, I wouldn't care. 

I spent three days in isolation to prepare, taking multiple COVID tests. The night before, I couldn't sleep and the following morning I didn't take my ADHD medication or eat or drink my usually coffee. 

When I arrived at the clinic, I started to get more and more nervous. I spoke to the anaesthetist who explained that I'd be awake but he'd be able to tell when I was ready for surgery. 

How? I asked.

He couldn't really explain except to say that he could tell by speaking to me. (This is entirely reasonable by the way.)

The problem is, I have a tic disorder and often struggle to communicate when nervous.

He took me in to talk to the surgeon and as soon as I sat down, I start to hyperventilate, something I never do. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I shook in total terror. 

The surgeon for the first time realised what he was dealing with and immediately cancelled the surgery and sent me home.

I'll have to go back in three weeks for surgery under a general. After seeing me in the chair, it is no longer considered "elective". 

Hopefully the antibiotics and painkillers will keep me sane.

Here's what I learnt:

1) In 2022, a 41 year old man can sob in the middle of a crowded hospital and be treated with nothing my warmth and kindness by people of all ages. I never felt judged or 

2) It is extraordinarily hard to describe chronic anxiety to people used to dealing with nervous and scared people all day. No matter how much I explained what I was dealing with, it wasn't until they saw with their own eyes that they understood.