TW: suicide, abuse, self harm



I’m never more mentally dark or suicidal than at night. I lay in bed remembering all of it as if it just happened that morning. 

I lay in bed while my OCD creates images of me killing myself and then plays it on loop in my head. The most horrific shocking brutal images of me taking my own life. Over and over and over.

I cry and wail from the bottom of my soul. I no longer ask god to save me, to make it stop, but to just let me die. To give me an out, a loop hole, and please let me die.

Why am I still alive, still repeating the same trauma day after day. Still punishing myself. Still hating myself, still sliding the same blade over the same scars hoping this time it will make the memories fade. Hoping the pain will seep out with the blood. When will I stop seeking revenge on myself.

How to heal. How to forgive-them and me. They are just products of generational trauma that never healed, why can’t I forgive them. Why can’t I forgive myself-for not being stronger, for not having more answers at such a young age-for not being an adult as a child to rescue me and my sister. To stand up to him-but in reality my submissiveness is the only thing that saved our lives. To submit was to survive. To stand up would have cost me my life.

I now just run in circles like a dog chasing his tail. I make the same mistakes over again as my body is constantly on over drive, constantly flooded with stress hormones, constantly in survival mode.

Everyday I recreate the same trauma I see in my head every night from all the people that recreated their trauma on me.