my last two relationships ended very similarly, with them both feeling like they couldn’t talk to me about my bpd symptoms affecting our relationship and bottling up all of that pain inside, only to blow up and break up with me suddenly without me even knowing what’s going on. It’s hard for me to know which of my emotions are worth holding on to or are valid, and right off the bat I tell people who I start dating about this and to tell me when I’m getting to be too much because a lot of the time I genuinely can’t tell. But what if I just end up scaring the people I love too much to the point where they aren’t comfortable sharing how they truly feel with me? I feel like my break ups would have been avoided if my ex partners were able to tell me how they felt. I would have understood and done everything I could to change things and to learn and grow. I just. I’m so tired of pushing people away. 

I even told my last ex partner before we started dating about what happened with my ex before, and how he ended up bottling up emotions concerning my bpd symptoms and how my emotions weighed on him and then broke up with me suddenly without working through things with me, only giving symptoms of my bpd as reasons (even when he promised me he would never break up with me due to my mental illnesses). I told my last ex how I wanted to avoid that and he promised me he would tell me if things got to be too much… and then he didn’t anyway :(

I’m feeling pretty hopeless right now. I really wish I didn’t have bpd. I miss both my ex’s and I really don’t think I’ll ever get over them. Idk if i can take more of this pain. I feel like I’m gunna end up alone because of my bpd. if I didn’t have bpd I would probably still be with either of my last two ex’s. I’m so broken because of this stuff and I just. Don’t want bpd to affect my relationships like it has been anymore. I just want to end up with someone forever and be able to communicate freely with each other and that seems to be impossible for the people I date :(

Yesterday my last ex told me I made him into a monster and I made him into a worse person because my emotions were so unstable. I just. I don’t know how to deal with that. I have nothing but love in my heart for him and I care about him so much… I don’t know. I’m doing a lot better than before and I’ve gone through DBT and I’ve been working through my issues and trying my best… but I still managed to fuck this up and push away yet another person who I love the most. 

I know I deserve better over all and I deserve people who will be open about their feelings to me instead of bottling them up until it’s too late, I just hate that this has happened twice with me now and I can’t do anything about it. And I get so attached to the people I date and I just want to stay in my room and cry all day because they don’t love me anymore. i still can’t believe they don’t love me anymore :(

any advice or anything would be appreciated :( thank u for reading