Two years of this. Even after two years of this being inescapable from my conscious thought, I still don't fully understand it. I found an artist, a lot of uncanny things matched up, and it caused my already open wound of insignificance to be salted copiously.

Maybe it's because I've already been suicidal, and I try looking for reasons as to why? I attempted suicide in 2016, and that was long before any of this. Back then, it was just general feelings of uselessness. And now, I'm on an at least weekly schedule of pointing a gun at my head, including giving myself possible head trauma against parts of my house.

There are things I want to do, and want to have passion for. Though I don't and it's not something I can force. I've tried. And I'm unable to let go of these things. Maybe there is a possibility for me to live on, but I don't want it.

A cookie cutter life, not enjoying anything, scrounging barely enough to sustain myself as a best case scenario, why the fuck would I want that? I had *several* opportunities to perhaps start myself down the path I wanted, but those are all gone now. Now I'm off the deep end with weights on me, I can only sink.

The only reason I still cling to life is because, well, I don't want to die. I want to fix these things, and push through to do what it is I wish to do. But from experience, it's impossible. And I'm already haunted enough by regrets of my past indolence, snowballing into this wreck I am today.

It's like I feel as if I have to hear something, but it's beyond me whatever it could be. I feel like it's just false hope, I'm sure I've heard everything at this point. And despite how much I've endured this, pointed guns at myself, hit my head purposefully, now even contemplating to carve myself, I still can't feel satisfied with any way I try describing it all. I'm sick of feeling these things, like a dire piece of myself I can't live happily without is forever lost.

I need answers. What in the actual fuck is wrong with me? How can I want to do something **so much**, but I can't bring myself to it? I just want to draw, I want to create, I want to compose, but I'm completely unable to even try.