I just woke up from a really rough night. I have had the bpd diagnosis for a couple of years and have been in a lot of therapy. Since they have not been working that well for me, especially group therapy, they wanted to examine if i might have autism. I was very sceptical about that and felt like they were 'taking my bpd away from me' so to say. Guess what, yesterday I learnt I still have bpd but now also an autism diagnosis. They are going to try medication next week. It was very overwhelming for me, i felt a lot of emotions I can't even explain right now but also very, very sad about my life. Like so much is wrong with me my brain and I understand now why I was different as a child and I feel very sorry for little me who always had such a hard time with herself and others. Back then I used to tell my mom I didn't want to be myself and to stop existing, it's sad that I still feel exactly the same.

 It's just a lot to take in and I'm not doing ok since getting that diagnosis yesterday. I don't have a lot of people I can talk to. I asked my boyfriend to come over and talk to me and give me a hug. He said he couldn't cause he was having dinner at his parents and then watching the game with his friends. 

We have a 3 year history of him lying to me, backing out of plans, not being there for me, avoiding me, then randomly breaking up with me, stringing me along for a few months before dumping me very harshly and then reappearing in front of my door crying how he made a mistake and I'm 'the one' for him and much more. The latter happened a month ago and I foolishly let him in again. I am always there for him and have loved him but all the effort and support often has felt one sided. 

Everyone around me tells me he should have dropped his friends (they hang out fairly often) this one time for something so big as this happening to me. I didn't say anything about that to him yet though. He asked if we could call about it, I said yes. Turns out he just had 10 minutes of time for me OR he would call me when he got back home at 11 at night and we could call for a bit longer. I felt very unimportant, unsupported and unloved but I agreed to calling. I did communicate towards him that I felt that he wasn't supporting me and that I deserve more than just some time on the phone when it's convenient for him. Like, something big is going on and I really need you. I at least want like a phone call that isn't timed to his convenience. He read and ignored my messages the whole night. 

When it was around 00:00 I full on freaked out, told him I don't want to see him anymore and that I deserve someone who is there for me. I meant it but when he didn't respond to that either I tried to call him a bunch of times. No answer of course. I was cutting myself, I was very suicidal, I didn't know how i would get out of this one.

Finally, at 1 at night he called me back half drunk. I find it so disrespectful of my time to think to call me that late at night. To not be there for me and then promise to call me at 11 but just hang out with your friends till you want and call me 2 hours later while ignoring all my texts and calls. I was full on crying on the phone and yelling, telling him how not ok this is. He was very nonchalant about it, and I think too drunk or tired to even have a real conversation. Eventually I hung up on him and fell asleep because of the benzo that I took. 