I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s just constant intrusive thoughts about her, obsessively going over in my head what happened, what was said, how it was said, memories and things that aren’t even really significant. I can’t stop thinking. Almost all my thoughts go to her and I’ve been doing more drugs recently just to quiet my mind. It was working for a bit but now it’s not enough. I feel pathetic cause I can’t help it. All I want is to not think about her but my head just won’t turn off. Sometimes I’m not even seeing things as they are and I’m so mad that my reality seems warped. It’s fucked up cause I’m the one who ended things yet I’m still hung up and still in a lot of pain. I can convince myself of what’s true, why I did what I did, convince myself things will be okay again and I can move on only to wake up the next morning feeling the complete opposite. Hopeless, angry and bitter. 

I don’t have a best friend anymore cause I had to cut things off, it wasn’t easy for me to see my ex/fp move on. I don’t have any friends cause the only other one I had lives far away and never attempts to message first. They’re going through their own stuff I guess but this has left me feeling rejected by everyone. While I crave connection I don’t want it at the same time because connection is hell for me. It always turns into something unhealthy and these days I seem more mentally ill than ever. So I’m in a constant cycle of wanting to meet people, needing to, trying and then ultimately giving up because a fear of rejection and knowing what it will turn into. I can’t even stay sober long enough to remember to reply to people. I’m just really alone and I feel worthless and unloveable. I can’t connect with others and no one wants to connect with me. I feel like a terrible person. I feel crazy. I feel stupid. And posting this is going to make me feel even more stupid