I'm in my first semester of community college and it's going pretty terrible, I thought I planned it out so that it'd go alright at least. Before the semester started I finally started getting professional help from a psychiatrist, got a diagnosis for my depression, and I started on antidepressants. I planned out my classes so I would be taking subjects that I do pretty well in and that I also found interesting. All of them were online too so on bad days I could still go to class without leaving my bed. I do think I took on more classes that I should've but I wanted to keep myself busy and thought it wouldn't be too overwhelming.

So I lasted maybe 3 weeks before I could barely find the energy to get work done and maybe 2 more weeks before I couldn't even get myself to log into my classes. I got myself to ask for help unlike other times though and emailed my professors to explain why I wasn't getting work done and ask them for some extensions to catch up. Fortunately they were all very understanding and were okay with me turning in some assignments late. Unfortunately nothing changed still I couldn't get myself out of bed or make myself do anything without quitting because I kept getting stressed out. Then maybe like a month ago I reached out to a counselor to talk and get some guidance on what I could do to try and get back on track. Talking with them helped I felt better, I took their advice and cut down on my course load to only 2 classes. But since I'm here writing this post I think you already realized that even now with only 2 classes, I stilled haven't gotten back to any schoolwork. I feel so stupid cause why can't I at least start, why am I just paralyzed in bed scared about even trying to start!

At this point I'm not even sure I should be surprised this happened. Prior to this the first time my depression got super bad was half way through my freshman year of high school, before that I think I was managing pretty well. Anyways my GPA tanked and I couldn't make it through a full week of school without leaving halfway through some days or not even going at all. And every time when I'd have to register for the next year's classes I'd tell myself "I'll be able to handle it next year" and sign up for a bunch of classes and take on a lot of honors/AP classes like my peers were doing. The same cycle would repeat again and again. But between summer and the start of the 2020'-2021' school year I had come to peace that I didn't have the grades to go to a 4-year college that I'd like, and there were was no turning that around in my last year of high school. So I decided community college was the best option for me, I'd save money and have a better chance of transferring to a 4-year I'd like this way. I still think it was the right choice for me, but the major downside of this was that I'm stuck at home for an extra 2 years before I can transfer (3 years possibly if I take the gap semester).

I feel like I rambled too much, but anyways I'm considering taking next semester off to try an give myself a break to recharge and get myself to a point where I'm not burnt out at the slightest inconvenience. I want to spend the first month or so focusing on "stabilizing myself" if that makes sense; push myself to start looking for and going to a therapist, make an effort to fix my sleep schedule, start exercising (regularly if I can get myself to), and make time for my hobbies and get back to enjoying them. I also wanna get my drivers license so I have a bit more freedom (I've been putting it off because I keep getting irrationally worried my suicidal thoughts will get really bad again and I'll end up making myself crash or something, for reference I've ever only had thoughts but have never acted on them). But after that first month or so I want to maybe look at getting a part-time job and try to take some time to self study before going back to school in the summer. 

There's a few things that have me on the fence about taking time off though. For one thing I'm worried I'll end up making my depression worst, I could just end up lying in bed the whole time locked away in my room. The one thing that kind of eases my worry about that happening is starting therapy, I feel like that extra support/resource might stop me from falling back into a self destructive routine or I'll at least have someone to hold me accountable and help me get through it. Second is that I'll basically be a year behind, I already know I'm going to have to retake my classes from the current semester. Which means I'd graduate later then the rest of my friends, I know I shouldn't care about this and it won't matter in the grand scheme of things but I just can't get myself to stop thinking about it. It also means I'd be spending more time at home. I don't really know how to describe my living environment with my family, but I know it's not really healthy. I'm not in any physical danger, but I'm constantly anxious and disappointed with myself. I feel like I have to constantly walk on eggshells to avoid getting yelled at and have my self esteem torn down. I don't want to say it's always like this but it's like when things are calm now I don't trust it cause I know it can switch at any moment. I think I can last another 3 years here but I don't know if I want to, I really want to transfer and move out and be on my own as soon as I can without worrying about my financial situation too much. 

So there's my dilemma should I take the time off and try to improve my mental health and accept that I might be at home for a bit longer? Or should I try to push through and take classes next semester so I can transfer when I originally planned to? 

There's also the option of starting with a lighter course load next semester but seeing how this semester went for me I don't know if that would be any different then taking a normal course load.