I've (19) been denying the fact that I have obsessive behavior for a couple years, even during recent my assessments with doctors when I was getting my BPD diagnosis, and this post is the first time I'm actually admitting this because I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind over it.  

&amp;#x200B;

What makes this situation even worse is the fact that my fav person is my ex.   
I don't even talk to them that much. Deep down I'm hoping that we could work out as a couple again some day, even though I know for a fact that we're completely different people with different interests and goals and apart from horrible mental health and matching disorders we have almost nothing in common. It's been half a year since we dated as well.   
I'm desperately trying to fit in their life even as a friend, even though they're showing very little interest in me. 

When we're sometimes hanging out, we might not necessarily have anything to talk about because we have different interests and things going on in our lives.  


Despite every sign screaming that it probably won't work out as a friendship or relationship, and that they're most likely not interested in me, I still want to be with them, and I want to keep them close in my life. And I want to be a part of their life.   


I will often check snap map and see what and where they're up to, or look at their instagram. I overthink every single story or post that they publish. I constantly check my phone to see if they messaged me.   


They have been on my mind 24/7 ever since we hung out for first time since breakup a couple of weeks ago. And I'm 100% aware that hanging out more with them will worsen my situation even more. Yet this awareness doesn't stop me from continuing.   
And I was the one who broke up with them in the first place because they were very ignorant and prioritizing work over me for the entirety of summer, to the point where we would see once a month, if even that.   


I feel like at this point, I shouldn't be getting closer with people that I'm deeply attracted to prevent this from happening anymore. I just want this to stop, I want them out of my head. I feel so much guilt and shame for feeling this way. The way I'm constantly feeling and the range of emotions I go through because of them is a fucking nightmare. 

And it's absolutely ridiculous that I have to wait months until my psychotherapy begins because of how fucked Finnish mental healthcare is fucked up due to low staff.   


thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.