Quiet borderline i guess bc i do not rage on the outside

everything is well and ppl at work tell me i’m doin exceptionally good but the social contact, having to go outside and pretend to be happy and perfect at all times is draaaining me and i know i should just open up more and im allowed to be myself but i cant do that because i wouldnt even know how me acts and i dont ever want to be that vunerable around others again i wish that i could just live in the woods away from this shitty society yet at the same time i feel so lonely bc i dont feel connected to anyone but then also im afraid of getting close to people and idek if i have borderline i scored 1 point too less while in an abusive relationship with my ex who fucking used my diagnosis against me when i fucking ACTUALLY wanted to leave his abuse ass him telling me its the borderline im just so tired of everything im tired of seeing faces/figures everywhere i look im tired of my past haunting me im tired of breathing and typing goodbye