I took too much 4-AcO-DMT in 2016 and the first few trips were beautiful and then I had a bad trip (After trauma in the psych ward) - It really helped once I integrated the trips over the next 5 years.

I'm dealing with avolition, lack of motivation, lack of concentration etc...

I'm on Invega, olanzepine and dextroamphetamine. I think the doses are too high. But I'm at the point now where I've had enough of this shit and just want to trip again (I get very emotional when I trip + lifted mood). I tried Wellbutrin and it made me extremely suicidal for 3 months. Then I tried Zoloft and it gave me heart palpitations.

I'm not sure what to say to my psychiatrist - But experimenting with over 50 different psychoactive chemicals (Not including my meds) helped and it was FUN. I try not to be ignorant but I find it hard to concentrate on reading etc.. because my mood isn't excited - It's just bland, apathetic. I don't want to listen to anyone anymore. Psychiatry seems like a paradox anyways with "schizophrenia". Like, if someone gets healed by a psychedelic, people are like "Well that means they didn't really have actual schizophrenia in the first place - And something instead like schizoaffective.. bipolar".

It's all BS. I spent time searching up corruption news and esotericism etc.. This is civilization collapse. There's nothing good about me in this state. I'll do anything to get out of it - And I DID. I was neglected, isolated, abused for years and still feel like no one cares about me - They all do their own things and have self-direction.

BTW the trauma + psilocin caused depersonalization/derealization (Dissociative) panic attacks until 2020 when I was put on olanzepine. I could just end up making it worse. This post doesn't even mean anything to me - I need to write a few books to explain really, what my problem is.

I need help. I'm doing really well considering what has happened. I feel like an AI or a bot posting this. I don't know why I only use reddit for this same type of shit.. I'm so alone.