College was what I deemed my purpose was in life, do well in college and eventually get a good job. Yeah sure have friendships and hobbies that will help define who I am but college was the main thing to keep me occupied because who wants to live a life where there is no purpose to it?

Anyway I've lost all motivation, barely able to get me to do assignments. Hell today had such little motivation I didn't even shower and almost didn't eat if it wasn't for the fact that my dad had cooked dinner and put a plate in front of me and I'd have felt bad if I didn't eat it.

I kindly would like this sadness to fuck off for a bit, I'm not sleeping properly as I don't feel I deserve it for being a lazy piece of shit and I constantly put myself down for not sticking to schedules. 

I've gotten the closest to suicide that I've ever had picking up the knife and holding it to my neck jestering to myself that I'll do it slightly chuckling knowing the comfort it would bring to sleep forever. Then on the flip side being so disappointed in myself for thinking that way, the selfishness to upset others with my death just because it would make me feel better. I honestly almost made myself sick realising that I would be hurting so many others.

Basically I'm just damned if I do, damned if I don't. I know life is unfair but fuck would love to be thrown a small bone of just a little motivation for the next few weeks to get through college. I've got a whole summer to fix myself.

TL;DR: Got the big sad, thinking of suicide but don't want to be selfish and upset others. Lost all motivation in life but need it back for next few weeks to finish this college semester. College is all I have to give me purpose and I simply don't care for it anymore and thus I've lost my purpose.