So I've spent a lot of my life not really knowing who I am. Put together everything that happened to me and you get this mess who has never really had the chance to explore who she is, leading to her feeling like she lacks identity and forcing herself to fit stereotyped molds to feel like she has one. There's been a lot of internal conflict over it, especially recently where I've been particularly interested in recovering who I might be. 

I've love video games, Star Trek, science, making excel spreadsheets, and reading (stereotypical "nerd"/"geek" things), but have recently discovered I also love things like fashion, art, makeup, sports, and music. It doesn't feel right because it doesn't align with my "nerd"/"geek" mold. I've been trying to force myself to fit the outer personality of a Vulcan and feeling awful when I behave irrationally or even just with emotional influence in the first place. 

But I've realised that I've been thinking kind of in terms of black and white. Identity is quite nuanced and not necessarily as clear as I thought it would be. I'm not a "geek", "girly girl" or Vulcan. I'm not a mold. I'm me. My own little mix of interests, fragmented personality traits and other things. 

Admittedly I'm having difficulty with maintaining expressions of my identity and falling back to the mold. However, I feel like recognising that I can be all of the things I'm discovering without it being "wrong" because I "don't seem like I'd like it" is the first step in me actually recovering from my identity confusion. Maybe I'll learn to accept myself as a fragmented personality, because I've found that trait useful in many situations, but we'll see.

I just wanted to share this little victory because it feels nice to have the pressure of needing to find myself eased a little.