Life has been a mess for me lately and the amount of panic and anxiety I'm feeling right now could light up at least three cities, one of them being New York. 

Let's start with what caused all of the emotions I'm feeling right now: me starting at university, a pandemic and a break up. 

I started university last year in mid February. I was a big-eyed kid fresh out of high school and couldn't wait to finally start studying Law. You see, I decided I was going to Law school when I was 10 and have been hyperfixated on it since then. Whatever I did for school I did with Law school being my end goal in mind. Everyone in my life knew of my dream and said it was a match made in heaven. 

Since the academic year started in September, I missed out on a lot of coursework. It didn't matter to me. This was what I always dreamt of even if it meant studying all day all night. 

That dream got shattered real quick when the pandemic hit my country 4 weeks later. Suddenly I was pulled out of my dorm and had to follow online classes. It was crazy and I lost the support system I managed to create in those few weeks. Miss Anxiety was doing some overtime back then but with the help of my boyfriend I managed to pass two of my five June examens. This was obviously not enough but I got a second chance in January exams to prove myself.

Well, boyfriend of two years broke up with me right before those January exams. I was devastated. I cried for weeks and could barely move. Sadness and angst hit hard and I genuinely lost whatever little motivation I still had. I know I shouldn't have let it affect me as hard as it did but he was my everything back then and I just saw another part in my life go to sh\*t. It took me six months to get over it. January had long passed and my grades were once again not so stellar. 

Now I have one more exam season to prove myself. If I don't pass for all my exams I will not be allowed to sign up for another year. I feel like I'm prepared for the exams. I watched every online class and have read the books. I still feel like I won't succeed. That I'll fail like the first two times. Like anything I do won't be enough. That I'm not enough. I also feel like I'm running out of time. I know this is Miss Anxiety talking but I just can't stop panicking. I have three more months to prepare for my second chance at the January exams that could still save my butt. Still got the feeling I don't have enough time.

I just don't know what to do because even thinking of exams gives me a nasty feeling in my chest. Stopping had crossed my mind. I could still study a form of Law and go to Law school later if they'll allow me in but then I'll feel like I failed. I don't know what to do.