numb is just the only word that comes to mind about how i feel, but it’s so much worse. idk what causes it or how it’s triggered, it’s just the smallest little change that will make me feel like i really lost myself in the moment. it happens a lot when i’m with my s/o which hurts me even more because i just push them away and they can’t do anything to help me even though they try and try and try to give me an option to help the situation. i guess it might be derealization. i’ll feel like all my insides just vanished, i’ll feel so empty and like i’m just a hollow body. when i try to think my head is like an empty fish bowl, i cant even force myself to try to think of something. my s/o will try to talk to me and ask what’s wrong or give me different options to distract me but i can’t even give a verbal reply because nothing is in my head. even when they give me options and tell me how we can fix the situation i can’t even choose an option even if i wanted to. 
i cant feel anything when i get like this, i don’t feel sympathy for my s/o when they get discouraged that i’m pushing them away. 
i’ll get the want to get myself out of the situation but i can’t, i’ll want to lay with my s/o but i can’t i won’t let myself. idk what’s wrong but i want to stop having these episodes. i’m completely emotionless, thoughtless.. it fucking sucks so much and i’m so tired of it. all i can do is wait until the feeling goes away or something will distract me and snap me out of it.