I don’t expect anyone to see this or be interested. I just needed to put it somewhere that wasn’t my notes app. 

It feels as if the world is against me, which is such a cliche thing to say. But lately it seems true. I’m only 17 but I’ve already got issues on top of issues. The newest is that seemingly most of my friends have ghosted me, and I know this would prompt one to think that maybe I’m the problem/toxic, but I genuinely cannot think of anything I did that would make them all collectively ghost me. Then, I’ve got endless health issues. Cysts that I can’t find out if they’re cancerous or not because it costs too much. A freckle that changed in size and color, which could also indicate some sort of cancer/issue. My immune system is so shitty that I’m constantly sick, at least once a month. There’s way more things I could talk about health wise, but they aren’t as important in context for this. I have no ambitions or dreams, I don’t want to go to college after I graduate in May, and I don’t “dream” of working, especially with how much more weak it’ll make my body. My family is obviously not happy with that, and instead of helping me it feels like they just berate me and don’t care, saying I just need to “pray to god” and that he’ll “help me through life”. But I’m not very religious. Praying like that won’t save me. They’ve also told me before that my grades are more important than my health, physical or mental. My (ex?) friends have told me that I should just run away when I turn 18 in 2 months, but where will I go? I have no money, and I clearly already can’t take care of myself. I can’t drive, and have no car. So I can’t even leave if I wanted to. The only thing keeping me going at this point is my cat, but she’s getting old (she’s 9 as of right now) and I’m scared that when she dies, I’ll have nothing to get me through it. She got me through the death of my other cat. Sometimes it just feels like I’m waiting for her to die so that I can finally go too, but I also never want her to die. I love her too much. To a point where I will have multiple breakdowns during vacations simply because I’m away from her. 

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried therapy, it didn’t help. I’m on medication, but it’s not like that’s going to stop more bad things from happening. I have nobody else to talk to about these things anymore; I wonder if I was too depressed for them. I just want to give up and die, but I just don’t have the guts to kill myself. I’m scared to suffer. Most days I just hope I’ll get killed in an accident. 

I’m not looking for any sympathy, I really just needed to get this out. If you did read this, sorry you had to see all that, lol. Honestly, I cringe at myself just reading this whole thing over. But oh well, I spent too long typing this whole thing out. So I’m gonna post this anyways. Thanks for reading my sad tale, I guess? Idk.