I believe I have manic depression. I've been to therapy but I only go maybe 1-3 times whenever I decide to. It sucks because whenever I make the call is when I'm at my lowest and I'm really going through it and the appointment can be about a month later when I feel "fine" and I dont feel the need to talk. I've been diagnosed with major depression and major anxiety before but I dont feel like I deserve the "major" part of my title. 

I recently got out of a toxic almost 6 year relationship. I moved out of my parents house (which was also extremely toxic) about 4 years ago to live with him and to generally leave my parents. The first year living with him was fine but alcoholism took him over and I've never felt so horrible before (besides when I was living with my parents). I considered moving back to my parents multiple times but technically it was better living with him. I've never really I guess not feel depressed my whole life? I did have happy moments but I was always on edge.


My best friend actually helped me tremendously and moved out with me. I broke up with my ex and I actually got another loving boyfriend 5 months ago. I felt like I had a rough start with my boyfriend (all in my head of course) since I'm extremely traumatized about my past relationship. I hate talking about it because I feel like I shouldn't give my ex another thought and I try to keep it in a lot. My boyfriend doesn't mind me talking about it but it honestly bothers me a lot.

Anyways, I guess the main thing I want to get off of my chest is I feel like I'm going down again. I would say for a solid month, maybe 2, I've been "happy" or content. No bad thoughts and I got a better job a few months ago and I'll probably get promoted too! I was on a good streak. In the beginning on my job was kinda rough because I work by myself and I didn't realize how much it would effect me but im good now. I don't know why but I think I know how its starting over.

My boyfriend took me out to eat. We're very playful with each other and we poke fun at each other a lot. I'm not sure what lead to this but he said "ah you're being annoying" and after that I just felt bad. I was bullied a lot in school and got called annoying so I took it to heart. I've told him before I do feel annoying to him but he reassures me I'm not. But idk why it hurt. I know he did not mean anything by it but I can't get it out of my head that I'm annoying him. 

Ever since then I have these overwhelming thoughts. I'm thinking of my past too much and all the bad things that's happened to me. And on the other side I feel like my life wasn't too bad and I dont deserve to feel this way. My life is good right now and I dont have a right to feel bad when others have it way worse than me and all the things that did happen to me isn't as bad as others. But then I try to reassure myself that my feelings are valid and I deserve to be sad for all that's happened to me. I'm having this constant battle and I'm just so upset I let this happen again.

I am not sure what I want to get out of this. I guess to let my feelings out? I know the smart thing is to go back into therapy but I know it won't be until after this episode is over and I dont feel the need to.

I was really hoping I wouldn't feel like this again.