I’m a 20 year old female. I like makeup, fashion, shopping, video games, and collecting Pokémon cards. I’m average in appearance and never have struggled to find a boyfriend… I feel like I’m a normal person, though i do struggle with social anxiety, depression, and generalized anxiety. Due to my struggles, highschool was a nightmare. I was a mess. I attempted the S word. I had no friends and was always alone which triggered my depression, but my social anxiety made it impossible to put myself out there to make friends. I feel like i lack basic social skills because of this. I moved out with a boyfriend a year ago. When he cheated on me and i eventually broke up with him, my mom refused to let me come home. She did not want me around anymore because she hates dealing with me. Even when i lived with her i would get ignored or shut down mid sentence and told that she doesn’t want to listen. She’s all I’ve had considering I’ve had no friends for so long. I feel like such an outcast around my mom and sisters because they have all silently agreed that I’m the messed up kid. Whenever something goes wrong in my life and i talk to them about it they always find a way to make me feel like it’s my fault things are bad. If i say someone is mad at me it’s always “well maybe you were giving them attitude” or “were you talking back to the person?”.

 Anyway, i moved in with my dad who also has mental health issues and we have been getting along which is great because i never really had a relationship with him in my teens. But I’m so lonely. I spend some time with my dad but he’s very busy and he is hot headed and always wants to make a lesson out of everything so i try not to hang around him for too too long. 

I really want friends but i don’t even know how to make them. I feel so awkward around anyone who isn’t family or a boyfriend. I have poor self esteem and social anxiety that makes talking to people so hard on me mentally. To be honest, i don’t even need to be around a friend more than 2 times a month. But i feel like having a friend would really improve my life and my views on self worth. Without friends i just feel like such a worthless person because it doesn’t even feel like my family likes me all that much PLUS I don’t have friends??

How can i change things? I’m tired of feeling like this.

TLDR: i want friends but my family and mental illness has made it hard because i have a very low self esteem. How can i change things.