I can go around explaining it, I can come up with bullshit analyses, and say things that don't matter, but it's just the same sad attempt at rewording the same true fact. I hate myself. I hate myself from the bottom of my heart. 

I wish I wasn't me. I wish my life belonged to someone else, someone who could use the opportunities I have rather than waste them. I'm gonna be 80 years old and I'm gonna have wasted 80 years of my life, and there are gonne be people who died in their 20s and all they wanted to do was live, but they never got the chance. Why can't they have my life? Why can't I give it up to them? 

I tell myself I want to be different, that I want to change. But the longer this goes on the more and more convinced I am that it's a lie. I will never get better, because I don't want to. If I wanted to I would have by now.

I'd say I want to die, and maybe I do, but that's not really what I want. I want to change. I want to stop being me.

One way our another, I pray this suffering ends.