Hi all. I was diagnosed this past week. I am sort of struggling with the stigma of the diagnosis a bit, but it feels very right. 

Every relationship in my life has been nothing but disorder. I have addict parents who fought and were never there, poor friendships, terrible love relationships, and 0 self esteem.

I am trying this time with therapy. I need to continue. Last time I did this, I was in and out of a really bad relationship with a very abusive man and I love to just dig under his skin and pick fights. It finally got so dangerous that I finally came to my senses and left (cold turkey). The man after his was an alcoholic who was kind hearted, but I was not. I was so unavailabe to him, when what I should have done is just left. The most recent relationship was seriously empty. Like, I was so infatuated with the idea of a person and a thing that I woke up a year later blindsighted when he left me... but slowly coming out of the haze that he wasn’t nice to me, either.

I don’t have friends. My “best friend” is someone I’ve known since I was a kid who was really never nice to me, and uses me more to just complain while I can’t get a word in. She left me today because I snapped on her about something political. I really felt like she was trying to get me to say something and I did so she said we can’t be friends anymore. Honestly, I really don’t care. Then I start to think about my other friendships.
My best friend from my last job never answered my calls when I needed someone. She calls me mean names a lot and my boss literally came to me once and was like.. why are you friends with someone who isn’t your friend? And it felt highly embarrassing, bc I’m not a kid.
Next was a girl who wrapped me in her life of chaos and I bent over backwards for her until it was to much. I bounced. She messaged me a year later guilt tripping me into feeling bad and tried to make me apologize. I blocked her.
Friends from high school who just... never really wanted me as a friend. I slowly got replaced after everyone bailed on me for my birthday dinner senior year and everyone just was like LOL k bye!!! And I never had friends for the rest of high school. No idea why. Each experience just feels devastating.

Anyway, I am writing this because I just want to rant, to talk about how I feel, and I want to navigate what I need to be doing. I went to therapy because I knew my relationship was terrible, but now I am losing a friend and I just feel like it’s all crashing at once.