Long read, just a heads up. This is old news to me, but I was wondering if any of you have struggled with the same thing. If so, any advice/support is welcome. 

I (27F) didn’t see any photos of myself as a child until I was roughly 16/17 years old. I spent the ages of 3-10 in 15 foster homes and in a cruel twist of fate, ended up being adopted by a malignant narcissist and her enabling, neglectful husband. To this day I don’t know how tf I did it, but I am so proud of myself for surviving that hellhole. 

When I first saw that baby photo of myself at age 16/17, I honestly didn’t feel much. I think I was entirely numb to it. It wasn’t until maybe 4 or 5 years ago that it’s been having this different effect on me. 

One day, maybe 3 years ago, while I was in a particularly good mood, I thought “hey. Let me print out some pictures of myself and my sisters (as kids) and have them in my room so I can look at them and be happy that we’re still alive, and reminded that we are so strong and love each other so much.” Side note- I obtained the pictures through my biological mother who I eventually was able to get in contact with- but that’s a whole other can of worms. 

I decorated the small pictures and stood there for a few minutes really looking at them. Looking at their eyes- our eyes, our little hands and faces- those little faces without a single clue of the horrors and tragedies yet to unfold. And my heart dropped. I started to sob quietly to myself, it was pure grief. I almost felt stupid for putting the pictures up to begin with, and carefully took them down, almost as if not to hurt them. Since that day, this process has occurred maybe 3 times, with similar end results.

To this day, I still can’t do it. But there is still a part of me that wants to really acknowledge my child self. I have a lot of trouble connecting to my “inner child” as well as being compassionate to myself now. I read a quote somewhere that said *”You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”*. I think of that quote often, as I have it taped to my art desk in a little corner. 

Though I definitely still struggle today, I’ve come a *very* long way. I know that I am worthy of love and compassion, and we didn’t deserve what happened to us. But it’s okay, we’re still here. Hopefully one day I will be able to turn my unending supply of love and affection inwards. Regardless of your story, I wish the same for you all as well. ❤️