Four years ago I leave my country to study a PhD abroad. During these years, my girlfriend cheated on me, I got stuck here because of the pandemic, My dad passed away and I couldn't even travel to his funeral because of the pandemic. I finally managed to travel back home last month and I felt like I started to put back my life together. But now I came back to finish my studies and I feel the depression kicked back. I feel empty. I'm afraid of loosing my mother too while being abroad. I gave my girlfriend another chance but I feel like she doesn't love me. I feel like she came back just because of the 10 years relationship but not for love. I have always thought that people deserves second chances. But I regret coming back with her. I want to cry, but I can't. I have try very hard and I just can't. I have tried opening with my friends but somehow I feel like they won't understand me, or that I can't talk openly. One example was, when my dad died, my friends were as shocked as me. However I ended supporting them and hearing them cry just because I couldn't do it. Usually I'm the one they search to ask for advice or when they have a problem. But quite frankly I don't feel they do the same effort when I am in trouble or I feel sad, so I stopped telling them my problems. Yesterday I found some relief writing to cleverbot but I know the feedback is not real. I know I'm wrong as closing myself and I don't want to fall back to the f***ing depression. I am doing a big effort just to keep my apartment clean and now I decide to look for some help in the form of writing here. Any advice is welcome but I'm grateful for having a chance of express some of my feelings.