TLDR ; Asian fathers are absolute fucking bastards. I am done with this shitty life. Is there going to be any good encounter in my life. Any good thing in my whole life? Or is it better to just end it now.

Honestly, I am kind of bloated within my mind. My mind is in such a mess and I have so many things to sort out, that I just want to stop existing. I am too much of a pussy to every consider the option of suicide. Tried to do suicide at the age of 13, failed because I didnt have the guts. Tried it at the age of 15, failed because I didnt even knew how to do suicide. The most I did was drink a portion of a bottle of perfume. At 16, I tried coming infront of a truck. Failed to do that because my feet refused to listen to me. In the end, I chickened out. Tried to do suicide yesterday again, because of my father.

The reason of all of my suicidal attempts? Too much preasure from people. I am expected to stay in top shape, exercise, be better in sports, study and be on the top of the class. Any asian dad who thinks of them should litrally get parenting classes.

Anyways, recently, I had a Mock examination. Got pretty great grades. around 93% in chemistry, close to  94% in physics, 96% in math, 82% in additional math and 80% in english. I cannot really show him this because I know he will not consider these marks good enough. "You got 80% here kiddo. You can improve that. Ask your teacher and brothers, on how you can improve this." "You got 90%+ in math? Where is the 100? In math, if you get the solution right, you will get 100%." Afterall, he is like that.  What really blew me off today, was that I was working after coming from school. Solving pastpapers. Did almost a year worth of pastpaper, in which there were 4 paper 2, 8 paper 1 and 4 paper 4. Did all of them, checked them myself. Now, when he come's back from work, he asks me to pray. Yeah. I prayed. Cuz if I dont, then he is going to keep nagging me until my life becomes hell. And then if days pass, he will attack me by saying that your life is not on the right track. You are not praying. Anyways, he apparently saw me on shared taxi. The place I live in, we have something such as shared taxis. Unfortunately, they dont diverge away from the route, so to get to my school, you have to cross a highway. 

Today was our paper reviews (I think I missed that in the upper para) so I went to school. The paper review timings were from 9 AM to 11 AM in the morning. So I arrived at school and 9 AM but used too much of my time reviewing english and math and additional math. When I told about that to the family when I was eating dinner, he said why you didnt go earlier. I was like, it was written 9 AM.  You must have reached late. He asked me when I got out of house. I said 8:50. then he said that , you must have reached by 9:15 or 9:20 thats why you missed it. Bruh, I reached there before 9:00. At the end, his solution was, why didnt you go at 8:30. Like bruh, Its as if I knew something like this was going to happen. 

After this bullshit, He somehow saw me using the shared taxis and asked me where I was dropped out of the taxi. When I told him, he said "I give you money to get a taxi which will drop you at your school." To get him off my ass, I just lied. I wasnt able to find a taxi, I said. He replied, its your fault, why didnt you get out of house earlier. I said, it just happened. Then he just said, I also get out of house earlier then my time. Like what the fuck. Do I really look like I give a shit. After working for your expectations, this is what I get!? In the end, when I became angry and said that it just happened that day, he said 'Why are you talking in such a wrong way." THATS FUCKING ANGER! THATS NOT MY WAY OF TALKING, THATS ANGER!

What's even more annoying is that, when I will go and show him I did these many pastpaper's today, he will find a better 'solution' for me to become even 'better'. At this point, I am really considering wether life would have anything good instore for me. Or maybe I should just finish my life, so I dont have to live through this painful life.