*"She was like the water that freezes inside a rock and breaks it apart. It was no more her fault than it is the fault of the water when the rock shatters."*


There is no one to drive me to the hospital, not that I want to go to that babysitting service for another wasted week. I can't call you, because then I will be adding to your load. I cannot wake up my neighbor, she has to work early. I can't call my friends tonight, one of them is very sick and is being taken care of by the other. And if I go I will have stressed everyone out. And for what? It's not like I died. It's just that I wanted to, and we all know I always want to. I know everyone knows I'm fucked up, but if we pretend I'm okay, then we don't have to pretend to really worry about it, or pretend that there's really anything that can be done.


And now, here I am. I am her again. I've done what I said I would, what I do best. I've done it again. I've pushed another one away. I've been coerced, begged, asked to give someone a little of my weight to carry and it has worn them down. I knew that this would happen. My heart is broken again.


I never, in my wildest dreams, would have imagined someone would want me to be her wife. I never would've thought she would be somebody as gentle, patient, tender, smart, funny, and loving as you have been. I have pushed when I thought I couldn't push anymore, because your love and the dreams of seeing us in our dresses, and the babies we would've raised, finally allowed me to dream of a real life, a life in which I am wanted and useful. I dared to dream of a life in which I had a family. 


I know you take care of those around you. I know you take care of others while neglecting yourself. I begged you not to give too much to me. I know that you love me and you wanted to ease some of my pain. I warned you that it is too much for others, that you will get worn down. You did.


I have burdened and put my sweetheart through hell. My floppy-eared puppy, I am sorry. I knew better than to do that. I've not carried my own weight, much less carried yours when you've needed it. I am so very sorry. 



I did a number on my thighs and stomach. You won't see though, we don't touch each other anymore. I tied a really beautiful noose, but I will hide it in case anyone comes over. I know there is no other way. I have done DBT,  one-on-one therapy for years, all the types of medication, supplements, all the books and blogs, all the meditations, all the breathing exercises, all the worksheets. For a time, I thought I was healing. This bitch inside of me was just asleep. She traps me every time. This time she trapped you. I am so very sorry.



I know that you don't see the anger. I have a different kind of sickness and I only get angry and punish myself. I could never hurt you with rage. You are my sweet darling and I know that this is part of the splitting too, maybe even worse than hating you. I place you above all others. I am only hurting you and I can't keep doing that. I want nothing more than to wake up and have the world forget I was here. 



I never asked for your help, although I appreciate you and what you have given me. I was always so stubborn and never felt good enough or trusting enough to ask or to take, but you gave freely. 



Although you were almost whispering, your words are screaming at me over and over. *you have to take care of yourself. its always one crisis after the next. everything is always falling apart at the last minute. you dont want me to spend time with my friends. you always think im going to leave you. i am so tired. you are never happy. i always back off when you want me to stop helping and then it all falls apart and you want me to be there to fix it and then you wont let me.*



I have heard these words my whole life and I have done every single thing that I know how to fix myself. I have nothing left. Baby, I am so sorry. I cannot reach out to you anymore. I know you will want to help, but I cannot put one more crisis on you. I cannot keep hurting you, the sweetest thing I have ever known. You have given me such happiness. I know you think I am miserable, but you have given me moments of hope that I never knew I could feel. You have given me the most pure, childlike bliss and simple feelings of contentment and let me taste what it feels like to be loved unconditionally for the first time in my life. I am grateful for you. 



I cannot continue to hurt the one thing that I cherish the most. I will not watch you suffer because of me. You have so much to carry already, and I want to carry yours, but I can't figure out how to put some of mine down. I am overburdened. I am leaning on you and you are on the ground already. 
