18F I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. As a child I never talk to anyone and I can never form an emotional attachment with anyone. Whenever I was hugged touch or picked up, or shown any type of physical affection I would cry or squirm it bothered me so much I hated it. Maybe I was abused when I was two or three I don't remember. I still don't like it from anyone unless it's in a relationship then I love it. Besides that I've always kept to myself I'm an introvert I don't talk much in general. I've always been a quiet person. From November through February I've been severely depressed I've never felt this low in my life I didn't shower for 3 months at one point because of how fucked up I was. I wore the same clothes from November through January I didn't give a shit. I can't talk to people right. I'm in 12th grade and I haven't done any of my school work for 5 months because I don't care. I'm probably not going to graduate high school but who gives a shit. I have no money. My parents won't help me financially or just in general. They never give a fuck about me. I went to the mental hospital for a week when I was 14 because I stopped going to school for a whole month because I'm a scared depressed loser and a social worker seeing how depressed and unhygienic I was at that point she came into my house for a welfare check and seeing how there was food all over my bedroom and the place was a hoarded out mess. I got out in 8 days. I have no family support except for my two grandparents who are 81 and 93 years old. 57 year old uncle. The only way they can help me out financially because they are very wealthy. People get mad when I stop talking to them because I think I'm trying to cut them off I'm cutting them off but not on it intentionally. I don't talk much even if I did have friends or I was in a relationship I don't think I talk much because constant talking isn't necessarily communicating. Most people just spew shit to feel more comfortable I guess.
I feel like having friends or relationship would be more the chore cuz it's a lot to keep up with and I'm easily overwhelmed. I feel emotions very very deeply. I don't think I deserve anything and I feel like I'm a piece of shit so I'll just keep neglecting myself. I'm very hard on myself. I'm never satisfied. When I was a child I would always ask myself what is the purpose of everything I'm not getting anything out of it. Drugs music art the only things that I can get a rush out of. I feel like I'm perceived as boring by most people when, actually it takes more to get a rush so I'm actually a lot more exciting. I don't see myself being able to hold a job. I'm the epitome of a loser. Until I get on some kind of medication I don't think I'll be able to move forward and do what I have to do to be a functioning member of society. I have physical health issues a new surgery within the next year or two. The way Tik Tok romanticizes being depressed and throws around the word being depressed, It validates people who are really truly depressed. I don't wash my hair my hair is very matted as I said I've went 3 months without showering at one point. Wearing the same clothes and smelling like shit, having your teeth rot out of your head because you don't brush them. Having severe acne because of your unkept hygiene is not pretty. It's disgusting how it's romanticized. I go in the store and people look at me like I'm such a loser I look like a drug addict. I can't even talk to the cashier without stammering. Cuz I'm so nervous. I've deteriorated so much within the last year can my parents just call me lazy. It just say I'm fucked up and I've been fucked up my whole life which their not wrong. Being sad from time to time does it mean you have depression. Everyone throwing around the word depression is invalidating people who are truly depressed. Why worry if someone's depressed if everyone is anyways. Going to the mental hospital doesn't make you quirky. They can abuse the fuck out of you there. I cry in public and leave in the middle of my task because I'm overwhelmed or feeling too much as I've said earlier I do feel emotions very very deeply. Prozac has it worked for me. What's the best medication for severe depression? Or what has helped you guys out the best?