To all who read this, 
I'm sorry that it happened this way. 
Everyday if feel that I just go through life like a robot that is stuck in the middle of a routine. Everyday like became routine, routine,routine and it just never stopped. I never felt happy with myself.  I was never satisfied with what people consider as achievements. To me an achievement was just you being surprised that I didn't fuck up again. I became tired of it.  Relationships for the most part had always seemed one sided where I was always the one being picked on or talked about. I could never feel normal. The more I had to worry about the more anxiety got. The feeling that I would never be able to get my grades up, graduate, have a stable relationship, and I guess what people call live "life". 

Even though it had looked like I had gotten better, the suffering and the pain got worse. Even though I started to feel a little bit happier when I had lost a bit of weight. The body dismorphia had taken a toll on me where all I would feel is that I was in the same place when I was 200 pounds. Using the gym as a coping mechanism. Using the muscle that had built to cover the depression. The more fit I got the more I felt badly about myself. I used the gym as a crutch to cope with the trial of what we call life. 

People become obsessed on having of legacy for what they achieved in life and let it live on in their children as a reminder to society what their relatives had accomplished. What they want society to remember them as.

 In the end some people end up dying earlier than others. 

Anyone that I mention know that you were loved but couldn't have changed the outcome. 

 Mom and dad, grandma and grandpa, I'm sorry I know that you tried your best. 

Ashley, know that I loved you even though you didn't feel the same.  I hope that you find someone that you are satisfied with someone who treats you with the utmost respect, trust, and care. Know that I gave my all to you in the short time I knew you. I know you'll achieve great things in life.  And I forgive you for what you did to me. 

Sául, know that you were like the brother that I was never able to have. Thank you. The one that I knew that I could ask for help and advice when I couldn't go to anyone else. Even though we saved each other in ways no one would ever know about. You were my brother. Unfortunately, I think that my parents liked you a bit more than me. I hope that you finish the program at school. You'll achieve more than what I could ever have done. You'll become one of the best special ops pilots the United States department of defense will ever see. Know that the outcome of this couldn't have been changed. Semper Fi. 

Nico, you also helped me in ways I you didn't know about. 2020 was he'll and you helped me through it   

Genesis, You were a great friend to me know that you were loved. Know that you impacted me in ways that I didn't know could happen. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable. You'll go on to do great things and know that you deserve way better than Charles. If given the chance I would have taken a bullet for you. 

Shipmates, We were brothers and sisters in arms. Fair winds and following seas. Best of luck on your endeavors.

Hopefully, we meet again.