Since I was a little emotionally reactive young girl, Valentines Day has always been really triggering for me. Esp. since today is the anniversary that my father married my abusive step mother.

I'm 25, soon to be 26 and have yet to find love. Sure, I've had relationships, but nothing has lasted. Some, yes, due to the BPD, but other times honestly I think I just have shit luck. I'm a multiracial woman who lives in a predominately white state, I'm a little overweight, but otherwise I'm pretty attractive. I'm beginning to think that anglo-standards of beauty are working against me. Most of my boyfriends I am the first person of color they date, and for some, the last. It's like I'm their experiment before they go back to the cute white girls that they're used to. It doesn't help that I'm nuts.

I can chase men down and twist their arm into being with me, but they end up leaving eventually. Usually with the line, "We just don't have the right chemistry," after us dating for 6-18 months, and me telling them *finally* that I love them. They typically are unavailable, but it's hard to find someone who I am attracted to and have a connection with who IS mutually interested. I work SO hard to get people to like me and go above and beyond in gestures, words and actions to prove to people that I'm worthy of it and I still fail to no avail.  People will tell me, "It happens when you least expect it," and "You can't want it too bad." Well, screw you, person who has had it fall into their lap! I've done both, with very few results. If I don't act and pursue after others, it never comes anyway. Seriously. I'm not asking for a lot. I see people who don't have to try and who honestly have so many worse progblems and issues than I do who it just falls into their laps with zero effort. I make myself so open to possibilities, go out, make new friends, network, do the online thing *for years* and nothing has panned out. NOTHING WORKS. Doesn't anyone want to just screw, eat some tacos and have some fun? I'm not asking for much. I just feel so hopeless, unlovable and unattractive, and truthfully, I know I AM attractive and have something to offer other than my crazy. It just seems so unfair. I figured like most things in my life, if I try really, really hard for it and work my ass off, I'll get results, and I'm getting nowhere. I've been talking slash sort of in a very weird scenario getting to know someone, but his life circumstances in and of themselves are crazy (workaholic, major family issues) and he has shot me down AGAIN for a hangout, just wants to work, work work.

 I'm two months post-breakup with a guy who put me through the ringer with some stupid bullshit, so really...even a good rump in the hay would be okay, but I'm still struggling with finding THAT. 

Why am I so unlucky in love?

Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Feeling like I got the emotional shit kicked out of me tonight.