- I'm diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder and depression. 
- i dissociate regularly. 
- I do not have a clear sense of self and I struggle with that daily as I begin dressing similarly to the people I'm around.
- I love my mother but I dealt with emotional abuse as a kid, up until I moved out.
- I self harmed and attempted suicide at just 12 years old.
- i split on my job, my boyfriend, and my parents occasionally. 
- my first relationship at only 12 yo was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Won't get into detail.
- I noticed recently I am codependent. I havent told anyone because it's embarrassing. Everyone thinks I'm independent, but I get severe anxiety being alone.
- i have trust issues. For example, just this morning someone Apologized to me over something that happened at work and I cant bring myself to believe its sincere.
- i just realized I love my current boyfriend and I can feel myself distancing mentally and emotionally out of fear.
- i get frequent panic attacks. About 2 per month at least. 
- when I first discovered drugs, I went all out and had to force boundaries with them because I'd binge on weekends every now and then.
- i go through phases of being ok for a few days then being depressed and unmotivated for weeks on end.
* what are the next steps to deal with bdp? I am not diagnosed, but was considering doing an online psychiatric visit while also asking about medication for my panic attacks/derealization moments bc those are my least favorite symptom. I'm really trying to avoid therapy at all costs, but I feel that if I go to a dr about it, they'll make me do therapy.