The process of scheduling appointments makes me so nervous. Making a phone call is the my absolute least favorite thing to do; it takes me like and hour to hype myself up to make the call and then several hours of decompression  afterwards. 

But even if I made an appointment, i feel as though my depression will be blamed on something else. I'm fat, I have a thyroid disorder, sometimes life is just hard, etc.

Every time I go to the doctor for a regular check up, they've given me the depression inventory form and I know I'm scoring high as a very depressed person, but it's never been mentioned during my visit. Like they're just giving it to check a box and not basing any actual care off it. 

I went to therapy for a few months last year, but stopped going because I had to call to make another appointment since the last time I was there I didn't get one scheduled. I'm too afraid to call, but also I don't feel like I was getting any benefit from the therapy anyway.

Usually I can manage my feelings by myself ok, but lately I feel like there is no hope and no reason to live. I've been crying several times a week and thinking about a way out. I feel like I need help, but I have asked for help and been told "no" so many times before... or have tried to get help and it didn't actually help anyway. 

I think I might do better if I get on an anti-depressant, but I'm too scared to make an appointment and ask a doctor for a prescription.