I'm 18 (f) and recently within the last couple months I've been feeling very disconnected. Quite a few events took place, which has made me look at myself and people I love very differently. I've had a lot of time on my hands being unemployed since I quit my last job so i could focus on graduating, and since then I told myself I wanted to do more painting. However, I have done very little of it, due to being so on edge about the things going on in my world. But recently I've decided it's time I started working again and it pushed me into wanting to look and feel better about myself for the sake of being part of a work environment. With that, I've impulsively started cutting my bangs again. Today I woke up and decided that I hate them and spent the first hour of being awake messing with and trimming them to fit my face better. And still, I almost wish I never touched my bangs at all because a year ago I cut them and told myself to let them grow out with my hair because I've had my bangs cut at many lengths but never let them just grow out. I was doing so well, and now I have bangs that needs managed every morning it seems. I've been making a lot of impulsive decisions based on my mindset that nothing really matters until I start doing the things and then suddenly they matter a lot.

Aside from my stupid bangs haha, I just feel like shit that I haven't done anything productive for myself while I've had the time to. My head has just been so easily distracted that I can't just do one thing for so long. I clean the house and do dishes to help out my boyfriend since he works and provides for us, but that's the best I've been able to do. And part of the problem lately has been my relationship with my bf and feeling like he is getting tired of me, so I feel like there's two voices in my head reacting in different ways. Like one is saying that nothing matters so do whatever and let myself relax, and the other is telling me I need to do more and be more (hence my decision to start working and helping financially, which has been my plan anyways. I've just been too busy nitpicking at every aspect of my life that I feel like I'm busy and have things to do when I don't seem to do very much at all).


Mehhh. I just don't know how to feel and can't wait until I'm working again so I can hopefully feel worth more than I currently do. I'm tired of arguing with my bf and feeling like I could sink into the ground. I'm tired of being tired, most of all.