For disclaimer: I (f 22) am new to BPD communities and this is a fairly new diagnosis (about a year now). I’ve also avoided talking about it because I was worried how legit the diagnosis is.  I’m also fairly upset and on mobile so my grammar is iffy.

A little backstory I have trauma because how emotionally abusive and manipulative my dad was to me and my mom. They divorced literally after I graduated high school. Maybe less than a year she reconnected and started dating a friend she met from college. A couple of years later they got engaged on December 2018 and they’re getting married October of this year. I am extremely happy for her to have this wonderful man treat her the way she deserves. I have a lot of respect and care for him as he does me and my brother and has basically claimed us as his kids. I recently moved in with my grandma because my dad relentlessly continued to be a terrible dad including drugs, manipulation, always asking for money to support his  girlfriend’s kids, etc. 

My mental health has been breaking down where I quit a toxic job, I’ve had nervous breakdowns or depressive episodes consistently. Meanwhile she’s having issues with the wedding from invitations and printing labels and she’s upset because her fiancé isn’t helping. It probably doesn’t help when I (22 F) start acting like a child, having breakdowns consistently. I began helping her as much as possible, getting addresses from relatives and putting the invitations together. I tried my best to help pick and try on bridesmaids dresses without crying about my weight or feeling dysmorphic. I did pretty well and picked out the third dress I tried on. 

I’ve been searching for a therapist and so far have been turned down twice for treatment of BPD and PTSD. The second therapist is trying to see if he can help me but it seemed like the possibility is slim. I expressed frustration and she bombarded me with “why is it so hard for you to schedule a doctors appointment?” “Why are you telling them all your problems you don’t have to do that say you need help for anxiety?” I explained to her that I need specific help for this and this is why they’re turning me down. Previously before this when I went on a rant on my mental health to her and she responded telling me that her and her fiancé are going through an argument where she thinks there’s not going to be a wedding because they’re not talking to each other. This is triggering for me because my dad accused me of being one of the reasons of why he and my mom divorced and used to threaten divorce every time I had a mental health crisis.


Another issue is a man (let’s call him Jeb) I’ve been seeing since I started working at my last job, he was a supervisor. I made the mistake of telling my family how great Jeb is before he tells me he’s not interested in a relationship right now. I also went ahead and opened my big mouth and told my family Jeb’s a former addict but sees a counselor a couple times of month  and he’s been arrested a couple of times during the addiction years. He hasn’t drank in five years and I don’t know the exact years of sobriety for drugs but it seems quite awhile too. We still fool around and text constantly, I’m 1000% aware that it’s not a relationship and probably not good for me right now. 

I was about to head to his house after spending the weekend with my mom and stepdad picking out said bridesmaid dresses when she starts telling me it’s a bad idea. I understand she doesn’t want me to get hurt but she started going from hey that’s not a good idea to “let me call him I’m gonna call Jeb and give him some advice”.  

Jeb lives 43 min from where I am and unfortunately because of his work schedule we can only hang out at night and because both his parents are violent alcoholics I can’t go into the house. We hang out in his car and smoke weed. It sucks but he promises to have me over (and inside) once he moves out in a couple of months. 

I don’t expect Jeb to do much because we’re only friends but my mom and grandmother are ferociously protective and think he’s a player. My mom and I got into a terrible argument over it where she made some empty threats saying that I won’t be a part of her life if I continue to see him. I won’t be able to see Tyler unless if I get my 21 year old brother to move out of my dads. I won’t be allowed in the wedding if I don’t get my shit together. Etc. On top of that I’m fighting with Jeb because I blew him off because she didn’t want me to leave, and he didn’t realize how serious the situation was until I really unloaded my emotions onto him. 

I know there’s really two problems here but the fact my mom threatened me like that makes me want to abandon my family now. I understand it’s the stress of the wedding and now my mom has to deal with her hot mess of a daughter. My mom has insecurities from my dad so she’s understandably worried about this new marriage. She nitpicks or becomes really mean during the times she’s severely stressed. I feel like cutting off ties with both sides of my family and running away, even cutting ties with Jeb. I don’t have plans too and that’s selfish of me to think of try to run away during her wedding planning. 


TLDR: my mom keeps triggering me because of the stress of wedding planning and I want to leave my whole family because of it

TLDR part 2: I am an asshole