I knew it was bad when i was literally gulping down a bottle of the most foul tasting vodka known to man alone in my room at 4 am to just make me stop ruminating and fall asleep. I wouldn't consider myself an alcoholic but then again i don't know what the criteria for that even is, all i know is that i desperately crave that lightheaded fuzzy dumb feeling every time i feel a breakdown or a low(er than usual) mood coming on and if there's anything available when that craving kicks in i will drink it. I'm afraid this might turn into an actual problem down the line but as of right now it's the most effective way of essentially telling my brain to just shut the fuck up. It helps me a lot but still, it's kinda lame i that i have to resort to this.