I know this is so fucked up. However, recently I’ve been getting an overwhelming impulse every so often popping up that I want to commit a crime (not a violent crime!) that means I end up in prison for an extended period of time. 

To me, being in prison and having a strict routine, no responsibilities, access to mental healthcare and mentoring groups etc, sounds exactly like what I need. I could very happily lie in bed all day and not worry about having to go to work to pay my bills. I wouldn’t mind if I got murdered because I don’t particularly want to be alive anyway. I like the very strict rules and routine. I don’t care that I wouldn’t be able to have contact with the outside world because I have burned all my bridges over the years anyway. 

Nobody really knows I’m suffering because I hold down a full time job, have a solid plan for my future, appear very happy and confident and put together on the outside. I don’t even know where to start with getting help, I feel like that would be opening a can of worms and getting myself into a whole new world of re-traumatisation and crises. 

It literally feels like the perfect solution. Commit a non-violent crime, go to prison, live out my days doing short, basic menial work and hiding in my room. Occasional access to a therapist and a support worker.

Just throwing that into the void. This seems to be my new self destructive impulse rather than suicidal ideation.