First off, I’ve never been diagnosed with BPD, I went to  my local clinic and they just kept dismissing my symptoms and telling me it’s just anxiety. Then I thought they hated me so I left in the middle of a session screaming so I’m too embarrassed to go back. Anyways, I really believe that I may have bpd and I will be able to get virtual therapy and a diagnosis once I’m no longer in debt.

My mother left our family house out of nowhere a year ago I’m October to go live with some man five hours away. She still pays the mortgage and electricity for the house which I’m currently still staying at. She left me and my brother to take care of our three dogs, Cleo, Zeus and Jake. 

We got Cleo and Zeus about five years ago. Cleo, I love with my whole heart and being. Zeus, is annoying but bearable, and Jake. Jake is our senior dog. We got him 13 years ago. And something in me just hates him so much. Let me also just say, I’ve never physically hurt my pets. They always have all their needs met (food, water, shelter, toys, going outside etc) but I’m worried I’m abusing him.

After my brother left about a month ago, I’ve had the whole house to myself. About 4-7 times a week, I get into screaming fits where I’m screaming about how much I wish he would just die, or how I should put them all down or how much I hate them (all dogs.) I know they don’t understand what I’m saying (I’m glad because I don’t think I actually mean it) but they are all still scared and afraid of me after. 

A couple of hours go by and I’m happy again. I’m loving up Cleo, I’m playing with Zeus, but I can’t even look at Jake. That’s it, most days I just ignore him. And I feel terrible. Imagine him living his whole life with my family, watching me grow from 8 years old to 20, and I’m treating him like this. While I’m still loving and paying attention to the newer dogs. The other dogs get to cuddle me in bed but he sleeps on blankets on the floor. He gets to watch the other dogs get belly rubs and pet and I can’t even bring it in me to touch him, let alone pet him. I’m crying as I’m typing this out and I wish it was as simple as just pet your dog, or just love him but something in me just can’t. 

Im moving out in the summer, away from this house, further away from my mother, and away from these dogs. But I don’t know what to do with Jake. I’m stuck here for another 6 months and I hate what I’m putting him and the other dogs through. Should I give Jake to a shelter? As much as that is a terrible thing to do and to do to a dog. Just abandoning him for the newer dogs, but I feel like how I’m treating him is much worse. 

In the summer, my mom and her boyfriend are moving into a pet friendly house so they will be able to take them. But when my mom lived in our family house, she used to keep Jake in a kennel 24/7 outside, give him food and water every week and that’s it (until she moved out and I brought him inside to stay.) And I don’t want that to be the rest of his life either.

Please please please no hate. I know this is terrible but I really want the best for him for the rest of the years he has left. I couldn’t just post this on a regular advice or dog sub-Reddit because I don’t think they would understand. But I just can’t show this dog love.