I don’t know what to think anymore, and I come here to vent. Advice would be good, but I just need to vent. And I am so sorry for how long this is. I was getting such a great understanding of my own nature, and able to discern between intuition and paranoia, but this has left me confused. Was I having a love affair with a BPD? Or was it merely the fact she is still a teenager and that she is still young, dependent, and immature with an obsessive crush that turned into love? Or am I the one that is messed up, seeing myself as some narcissistic rescuer? Am I cultivating a paranoid personality? I truly do want to help people, but I have to accept it’s ultimately up to them to save themselves (I’ll save that for the end).

It wasn’t so long ago, and I feel silly that this has impacted me so hard. It was early October 2014 when I returned to my hometown for a friend’s birthday. I began talking to a girl that I knew of – since everyone knows of everyone in the hometown – and was immediately taken back by how charming, sweet and discerning she was. She had mentioned she knew of me and had read some of my posts on Tumblr, which are mainly reflections of my own mind, meaning she already had a fair idea of who I was more than most others in real life. She was a romanticist, like me. We bonded over our mutual love for words and poetry and we added each other on Facebook.

I returned to my current city and we were talking nonstop. But I found out her age and she found out my age: she was 17 and I was 22 (legal). I spoke about my concerns about this, but she found it attractive. From where I am from, the age difference wasn’t that big of a deal, but I couldn’t escape the concerns. I haven’t been very successful with girls over the years, and would surmise that I am emotionally stunted, and I couldn’t deny that the sheer amount of attention, devotion and attraction she was exhibiting, was flattering to my ego (more on that later). I noticed that she would begin to mimic the way I typed, and express interests that I was interested in (so what? Who doesn’t do this?) I knew that she wasn’t so much interested in them as she let on, however it was her way to create interest and a connection. It was flattering. We would make ‘jokes’ such as ‘Happy One Week Anniversary’ since talking. I returned to my hometown for the night and didn’t have the chance to see her, and said I won’t be able to. She initially understood but said she was “pretty annoyed to be honest” and that she has the ability to go from “sweet to crazy within two seconds.” She was very distraught. I woke up in the middle of the night with a series of drunken abuse due to not seeing her, including saying she is about to be raped and that I can get fucked. “Show some fucking sympathy.” I messaged her the next day saying that I am sorry that I didn’t’ get to see her but I hda no time, and if this is the way she is going to treat me, then we may have to reconsider our friendship. Using her own emotions of anger to manipulate my own was shitty, and it was wrong of me to She apologised profusely and observed it’s a side of her seldom expressed, and that she just wanted to see me. To be honest, the anger petrified me.

We were talking sexually and we expressed the mutual l desire to have sex with each other. The age difference, while an issue, heightened some taboo. She seemed to be accepting any fantasy I would project onto her, but saying that she shares similar fantasies. “Jigsaw fetishes,” we dubbed it. Again, I loved that attention. But I was seeing more of her dimensions and I didn’t want this to ruin the friendship that we have. I couldn’t escape the fact I felt like I was using her, and mentioned my doubts about this, but she assured me it is something she wants and is looking forward to.  She came to my house and we had sex. I didn’t want her to get emotionally attached (because I was scared of getting emotionally attached), and she asked me afterwards if she should suppress her feelings? I said no and that one needs to be honest with themselves how they are feeling. She nearly had a panic attack when she couldn’t find her bra, uttering like “this is not okay, this is not okay.” The more we hung out, the more I became more emotionally immersed in how beautiful she was underneath. She was capable of being bossy and manipulative, but the awe in her eyes about things and how intuitive she was and how her sense of humor was so in tune with my own caught my own heart. She would say things like “I am worried” and then when she would see my concern, she had this sense of terror that I may be distant from her and then deny saying it. “Oh, I just say silly things.” We would chat about our thoughts of the world and hours would go by in a second. But I hated how she would be bossy, such as saying she hated my beard. Or that she wanted me to make the decisions, and yet it was her making the decision for me to make the decisions. I’d point this out to her. But then we would shower together and brush each other’s teeth. I was scared she was going to get emotionally attached, but it was me that was scared of getting emotionally attached (more about that at the end). I’d teach her about the Buddhistic notions of impermanence etc and how attaching onto an idea will lead to suffering. When she would leave she would send me messages saying she is making her write more of a better person. I asked for no mind games.

When we would talk she would admit to things as being “I’m a pretty good actress” (apparently she got ADHD medication from a psychiatrist by faking and feeling the symptoms) and manipulating guys when drunk. She would say “I idealised all the boys in my past but I don’t think I’m idealising you.” I felt like not just her lover, but also her teacher. And the fear fact she had these intensified emotions made me gravitate towards her more. Being with her, especially watching a sunset, felt like a dream. Time had frozen. We both felt it. It was like something out of a romance novel. 

Keep in mind, this all occurred within a month first meeting. It all happened so fast. But we both rushed into it. I read her Tumblr and just a couple of weeks before me there would be poems about emptiness, poems about idealising other guys (though she always uses the term boys), and then breaking up with another guy in August. I’d be more aware of her insecurities and battles, but I’d emphasise how, especially based on my own low self-esteem issues, you need to learn to love yourself. You need to fill yourself with love. It was foolish to deny, however, we were not being dependent on each other in some capacity. I guess I was saying this because I knew it to be true, but it was as much about my own personality flaws as I was seeing in her.

She would lie to her mother about coming to visit because she was scared of the age differences. I was as well, even if both of us were legal. But I hated her lying to her mother. She would be an anxious wreck leaving my room in case she bumped into my housemate. She would regularly bad mouth her ex-boyfriend to me and see him as the worst person in the world because of his regular attempts to control her, though I knew him before I knew her and he was always a passive guy. But, it’s not uncommon for teenagers – or indeed humans – to think negatively of past exes. Anytime she would say anything negative, I would fear reacting in case she blew up like the time I didn’t see her, and everything lovely she had said to me will be taken back, and therefore attack me. But I would point out that it was rude. I always felt that because of the age difference, I had a responsibility? I don’t know.

In late November, less than two months of first meeting (what the fuck), she was off to Europe for a month for an exchange program. I wrote her a story somewhat based on our tale and mentioned that since we aren’t fully committed, I understand if she will find other guys attractive and get with them. A part of me desperately didn’t want it to happen, but I know travelling abroad is such a rare opportunity, and the high that ensues cannot be denied. She assured me I am the only one she wants and I am in her veins. She’s never had anybody ‘know’ her like I do just by looking into her eyes. She wanted to take my film camera and pleaded and would act super sweet until I gave in and make it seem like I made the choice. In hindsight, I still don’t regret this, because I am genuinely happy that it complimented her experience. She also ‘accidentally’ stole my t-shirt.

So, she is now in Europe and having the time of her life. I see photos of her with new friends, male and female, and I feel urges of jealousy that I find absolutely irrational and disgusting because I know deep down she should be having all of this happiness, and by imposing my own insecurities onto her journey seems unfair, especially as I was the one that initially warned we couldn’t get attached. But, I think by saying I accepted the fact that she may get with other guys was passively indicating that I was insecure about it? I did point this out but I was trying to overcome it.

As the absence grew, so too did my desire to have her as mine. She was the first person I’ve ever emotionally connected with sex (more about that later). I couldn’t deny it and I noticed how her snapchat friends were three other guys. That hurt. I wanted her to be mine. When I communicated my insecurities, after reassuring me, it would almost seem she would mimic my own insecurities, such as: “I just woke up from a dream where you were having sex with one of my friends and it hurt but it’s okay.” When drunk she would message or snapchat me asking to pay her attention and that she is feeling intense bouts of loneliness, or that she is paranoid that everyone hates her. I found it so bizarre how, intellectually, she had a good grasp on concepts, her mind and others; however, emotionally, she would literally act like a child. But even when she did, she would often follow it up by self-awareness that she is “acting like a five year old.” My paranoid mind wondered if she was lying just to get attention, or if she was an insecure teenager. Or both? This was the first time of BPD crossing my mind.  On New Years Eve, with her in Europe, I wanted her to be mine and basically asked her out. I said we can move past the age differences and people would accept us. She wrote back, “Yes, I am exclusively yours.” I had never asked out a girl before because of fears of rejection and it felt amazing to have the girl I fell in love with to be now called mine. But I guess I thought that would remove the insecurities and jealousies.

We had a phone call and she asked if I still like her. I said that you have to trust that I love her and she apologised afterwards saying she is just feeling lonely and insecure. After this phone call, five days after New Year’s Eve, and for the first time since early October, she suddenly stopped messaging me and replying to me. I was still paranoid, insecure, and jealous. I hated it. ‘Why the sudden silence?’ This was so unlike her. ‘What happens if she is sleeping around with other guys? She grew attached to me so easily, therefore it is replicable. Am I a fool for falling for her? She’s only 17!’ There were brief words spoken but nothing demonstrative and it all seemed a tad passive aggressive at times. In middle of January she was returning from Europe, and said that “Everything is so different.”

After a couple of nights of just brief words, I couldn’t stand it anymore. She seemed to resent the fact I was showing affection towards her. I was the one now paranoid and needy. It seemed now that she had gotten what she want, our roles had reversed. It seemed that as soon as she got what she wanted, which was me, she pushed me away. I asked her why the silence? I mentioned how it feels like when we don’t communicate romantically or sexually, she passively resents what I say, and I have passive responses in return. I asked her had she been speaking with other guys? She replied back that she was scared because of the age differences and our different stages in life, responsibility of a full relationship hurts her which is decreasing her attraction, and that four guys had confessed their love to her in the last two weeks in Europe. She said she felt so guilty and that she thought she could handle things but she can’t, and feels she led them on and is a ‘selfish bitch’. “I do not want more heartbreak but it feels like my heart is being clawed out of my chest.” More of her self insight is that she cannot live with validation from guys, but never thought it devalued our connection because of how highly she thought of me. I actually felt a sense of relief that I was not so paranoid. Would someone with BPD provide this self-insight, or would they have lashed out? Or is the self-insight a way to emotionally escape punishment from others if she has the realisation? Maybe I enforced this in her by saying I appreciate her self insight? And I never wanted my own unresolved issues to adversely affect her. I said that while it hurt, I don’t want to impose on her own life experiences at this stage. While we have a connection, it is obvious we are in different stages of our lives. Neither of us wanted to let go, but it appeared this is where we were heading. And I would emphasise again that I have to accept I can’t help her, and she has to help herself, but I feel I was saying that because deep down I wanted to be the one to help her, and also the fact I need to be the one to help myself, when in the past I have always depended on others. But is that different to being a rescuer? Is there a difference between being a rescuer and a teacher? And then I would follow it up by saying I feel there is issues in her childhood and her psychology intrigues me. She would thank me for making her realise how toxic it is to manipulate guys and seek validation, but now that my trust felt damaged (that wasn’t really there in the first place), I was paranoid and wondered if she was just telling me things I wished to hear to appease me and the fact that I am the one who is the catalyst for these realizations. I wondered this about everything she ever said to me.

[2](http://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/31va7c/was_i_in_a_codependent_relationship_with_bpd_or/cq59mn7)

[3: Reflections On Her](http://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/31va7c/was_i_in_a_codependent_relationship_with_bpd_or/cq59nsh)

[4: Reflections On Me](http://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/31va7c/was_i_in_a_codependent_relationship_with_bpd_or/cq59ors)