I haven't had triggers this intense in a few months and thought I was doing well (no triggers since then) but it came through today and now I cannot undo the hurt it caused to my friends.

There's an upcoming wedding of one of my close friends and today we went to do a few errands and pick a venue. I've been working a lot recently so I haven't had time to plan with them, they were completely understanding and reassured me it was okay.  But I have been feeling guilty about it over the past month. 

But then when we got to the venue, as my friends were chatting to each other about the wedding - I got this huge feeling of neglect out of nowhere. I think I was splitting. 

I stopped talking because the way the trigger came through was so overwhelming Extreme feelings of feeling left out, huge anger (trigger was telling me they were leaving me out of purpose when they weren't), extreme sadness that I just wanted to cry there on the spot. ALL AT ONCE. It was so intense and I was trying my hardest to tell myself to snap out of it. I couldn't articulate it either because of the intensity of all these extreme emotions at once. 

They asked me if I was okay, I said yes I was but they already know I wasn't. But if I started talking I would have started crying. 

Unfortunately, at the next stop, which was a shop, they asked me again. When I told them how I was feeling it also made them upset. How intense I was ruined the energy they had and people were walking past listening to us. It was a shitty thing to do to them and I am fucked off at myself because I couldn't control the trigger in the moment. This is the biggest problem I struggle with - I can journal/meditate all I want but when the fucking trigger hits, all that goes out the window. I am so fucking tired of it.

Hours later, the whole day gone, it's over and I am now going through huge amount of shame. It takes this long to get out of the fucking trigger and when you come back to reality, you realise things the shitty things you did and it makes you feel even more embarrassed and shamed. Seeing how hurt they were really just made me even more sad. 

I wasn't expecting this trigger to come through as strong as it did, AT THE WRONG TIME but it just had to come along and fuck everything up. 

I am so torn with how today went and the effect it had on the people I care dearly and having no control. Even now, it's like I can't switch it off, the feelings of shame will last fucking days and it's ruining my life. A waste of my time and others. I wish I never had it in the first place. It comes at the WRONG time, when I am trying to live life and be happy with people I love. I am so sad.

Any advice on recovery, how to maintain BPD/triggers daily, what do you do to manage/ your experiences etc so I know what i am doing wrong.  I know I need professional help, I am looking into seeing a counsellor about this. Thank you.