The past few days have been rough. They’ve begun alright, but by the end of the day I just have no will to live. 

Today my husband asked me if I was okay, and I opened up a little. And then a little more. And had a pretty big meltdown. 

I have been experiencing the intense urge to “run away.” Disappear and reinvent myself. I’m so unhappy with my life. I have things that I know are supposed to make me happy. Good supportive, loving people. But I’m not happy. And that makes me feel even more terrible and guilty. I feel like every choice I’ve made in life was just in the hopes that it would be the thing to finally make me happy. But I feel like I’m just trapping myself further and further into and unfulfilling life. 

I feel just awful. Nothing is how it’s supposed to be and I feel like it’s my fault. Why can’t I just be happy? I have the loving husband. The supportive parents. But I feel empty and angry and restless.  

So to get to the point, I tried to explain all this to my husband. Not really expecting much. Last time I tried to explain my unhappiness he got really hurt and upset with me. I guess part of me wanted him to hate me for how I feel. It would be so much easier that way. I hate myself for this and I feel like he should too. But the fact that he didn’t freak out this time just means that he’s an amazing person who loves me. And I don’t deserve him at all. He told me if I needed to run away he’d support that. That he’d miss me but he would still love me. And be there if I wanted to come back. 

Now I don’t know what to do with myself. On one hand it’s like a light at the end of the tunnel. I could escape and he wouldn’t resent me. I could even change my mind and my life would be waiting for me. But now that I have his blessing, would it even feel good? In my mind the fantasy of abandoning my life was based on the idea of burning all my bridges. Not leaving behind someone who’s still loving and supporting my decisions. I think I’d feel so guilty. I know I’m a total piece of shit for even considering throwing away what I have. But what am I supposed to do with a life that just isn’t making me happy?

TL;DR I’ve been dreaming of leaving my life behind. I opened up and my husband was unexpectedly supportive. But now I’ve feeling more guilty than ever and don’t know what to do. 