I know that it's mostly my bad mood talking but even so, this day was fucking disastrous. I recently met a girl my age I like. We hung out today after not seeing each other for 2 months bc of quarantine. It started p okay but I noticed from the start I completely forgot how to hold a conversation even tho she was mentioning a lot of interesting subjects. I really tried ykno? We went to a store and met another person that I could talk with for quite some time. But when we went out and walked thru the rain, I shielded us from the rain with my shitty umbrella, and walked to another store I noticed myself slipping.

Once in the 2nd store I just, struggled so hard to say the slightest interesting thing you could actually respond too. Anyone else feel themselves slipping into a dissociative state more and more and realize their autopilot is taking over? Well, my autopilot even gave up.

We bought some food and she offered to cook for me and go back to her place but the idea of food gave me so much anxiety I just bought a wrap. A really messy wrap, I spilled sauce all over myself.
We sat in her room for a bit listening to music and that's something I can ALWAYS talk about for hours.

But not today. I was a wet rag of a person, barely saying smth coherent and I felt my speech impediment kick in more and more. All I could think about was how I don't deserve to be near her and I wanted to scream and run away so she'd never talk to me again.

Shes asked me if I was okay at least 5 times throughout the day and I just felt like dying more and more and eventually I just shut down and started yawning and left.

I feel so empty and worthless, I've looked forward to the day we'd hang since the time last time I saw her and I fucked it up. Bet she won't even want to be friends with me, especially since we were talking about bad experiences and I couldn't stop oversharing about too heavy things.

I managed to shut the fuck up about the fact that I have bpd but other than that, she definitely thinks I'm a mess. I wish I never went out today. I can't even cry about this, I just feel so fucking empty.