I'm not sure why. My friend is in hospital giving birth right now. This has stirred up a lot of feelings for me, feelings I didn't expect to have. I'm really sad. I gave birth 8 months ago to a beautiful little boy but the last 8 months have been the hardest of my life. He is very poorly with lots of different things and he nearly died when he was 5 days old. My husband also suffered awfully with PND and PNA so wasn't really present at the birth or afterwards to that along with covid meant I had to deal with most things by myself. We did a lot of "firsts" just me and my son, like a single parent. The last 18 months have been hard. My father in law died, my husband became disabled and lost his job, we now live on benefits. I'm struggling with not having the life we used to have. We need a new car to fit the wheelchair and the pushchair and we can't afford one, a few years ago we could buy what we wanted. I have bipolar and depression and ptsd and I am so burnt out trying to manage everything and raise my son and care for my husband and I'm so jealous of my friend because I want to go back and give birth again and I want the first month's of my sons life back and I want them to be happy. The first months of my sons life weren't happy. They were sad and angry and exhausting and I just feel my life is a mess. I have to go back to work in a month or so because we can't afford for me not to work, but my husband can't look after our son. We can't afford childcare but we can't afford for me not to work. We have no one to help us. I will miss out on my sons life because I have to work. Everything is just broken. The only light in this is my son and I'm so scared of messing him up. I have so much anger and resentment around not having anyone around us when my son was born, family not helping, my partner not helping, things not going the way we planned because of him. Now he wants to talk about another child when he ruined my experience with my first son? I'm so jealous and angry and bitter. I don't know how I will ever get over this