Ever since I was young I just wanted to 'disappear'. And those feelings then transformed into wanting to die. I'm now turning 19 in a month, and I've been through a year of counselling / am on medication but I still just want to kill myself. 

I've attempted suicide once already last year, and it was one of the best feelings in the world. I slit open my forearms and I was euphoric; it was all I ever wanted to do in my life, and I was finally able to accomplish it. I was rescued by someone walking past, so it's why I'm still here. 

I enjoy life. I feel happiness and I feel accomplishment, motivation and passion. I've got drive in my career (gifted kid) and I've got supportive friends. To this day, despite all the good things going on for me, my major desire is still just to die. 

I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and I'm on Sertraline 100mg. It helps me get through the day, stops my low moods, but it doesn't change my 'desire'. 

I had an episode earlier this year, I lost all sight of 'reality'. I thought everything was fake yet real at the same time, nothing mattered. I didn't want anyone to touch me because they weren't real to me. I self harmed all over my arms, deep cuts with a surgical blade from an old birthday gift (medical kit for dissecting bugs). 

It was euphoric then as well. I was out in the woods. It was February, and there was frost everywhere. I only had a shirt on so it was cold, and the blood pooling down my arms was just amazing- a religious / spiritual experience though I'm not of any belief myself. It felt good, the first time I've ever 'self harmed' even though it was more because of my episode.

But I'm not motivated to self harm. I just want to die more than anything else.