This is one of the most personal, hardest things I've ever had to say, but I feel its no longer healthy to keep it a secret, and constantly be ashamed of myself.

People may be wondering why I'm sharing it, but I'm such a big believer in being open and supportive about mental health, yet I treat my own like its a dirty little secret.

My whole life, I have struggled with anxious behaviour. This came to a head in 2016, when I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. I was put on medication for this which has helped enormously, although of course its not a cure. I have good days and bad days. On a good day, I barely feel anxious. On a bad day, I can barely drag myself out of the house and function normally. The only way I can do this is to put on a face and just pretend I'm worrying over something, when inside my head I'm creating many negative thoughts and scenarios.

I have also recently been diagnosed with body dysmorphia disorder. This is something I am currently receiving cognitive behaviour therapy for. Again, this is something I suspect I have suffered from for most of my life. 

The other day I was having a conversation with my husband about being unable to go to certain social events because of my anxiety. I said to him, I wish I could just say to the host ' I'm thankful for the invitation and wish the event well, but unfortunately due to my mental health, I won't be attending, as it will be detrimental to me'. I feel this is part of the stigma as I would have no problem saying, sorry, I can't come to your wedding/birthday party/housewarming or whatever, because I've got a stomach bug etc. But I feel embarrassed telling someone the truth that I can't attend an event because it would set me back with my mental health. I appreciate that I'm part of the problem here because I could just tell people about my anxiety, but its not as easy as that. I'm sure I've looked rude or unreliable over the years as I'll often drop out of invitations just before the event, sometimes minutes before. I don't mean to be rude, but sometimes I genuinely cannot face it, physically or mentally. And yes, its easy to say, well why didn't you tell the host you were struggling and wouldn't be attending? Unfortunately, you've got the anxious voice at the back of your mind saying you must keep this to yourself. They'll think less of you. Mental health must be kept as a secret.

This is a mindset I'm trying so hard to get out of. I'm not sure I know anyone who has perfect mental health. I wholly support talking to people about it, I'm very empathetic about it. So why can't I be supportive about myself? I don't want to be part of the stigma of mental health.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. Most of you will see me and I will still be the same person, as I've spent a lifetime covering up my anxiety. I come across as a worrier, sure, but that doesn't scratch the surface. I don't want people to think any less of me, or judge me or treat me differently. I'll still be the same person tomorrow that I have been for the last 28 years. I guess I just want to forewarn people, please don't be offended if I'm unable to attend your event. A big part of my disorder is social anxiety. What might be a lovely day/party/meal out may leave me sobbing for hours due to the compressed anxiety/triggers.  

I'm not saying all this as an excuse. It won't be the case that every single event you invite me to, I'll decline and cry out ANXIETY. Some of you may be thinking, I've never known you to not go or attend xyz. These things come and go. If I normally see you or accept your invite 50 weeks of the year, please don't be offended if I can't make the other 2 weeks for what seems like an excuse. Going forward, I want to be able to say to people 'Sorry, I won't be attending for reasons I've explained'. I hate the thought of people thinking I'm unfriendly or that I've got a problem with them, just because I'm too scared to admit I've got less than perfect mental health.

I will continue to live my life the best I can and am looking forward to continuing my CBT to try and be in a better place. I want to feel better. But I'm tired of keeping anxiety my dirty little secret.