I’m on a throwaway account and I have no clue how to reach out to anybody anymore. I don’t have a single person in my life that cares to listen or I can count on to hear or even understand how bad everything is. I make jokes and smile but nobody wants to ever hear how I’m deteriorating. As of today I started to feel myself slipping back into a DPDR episode, which I’ve only had once before as a survival response to stress I couldn’t handle. My reality and perception feels screwed up and it’s scary that I’m still here enough to realize I’m slipping. My heart has been aching when it beats some times of the day, and it worries me if too much stress is seriously hurting my heart.
I don’t know what to do. I am almost 20, I cannot afford a therapist or professional help. I cannot talk to my friends or family about it. I do count my blessing and have hope it can get better, so I am not suicidal. But, I have crippling anxiety that makes me hopelessly depressed daily. I have absolutely horrible intrusive thoughts that feel like self sabotage. It makes me think people have bad intentions or makes me mistrust. And now I’m worried I’m going back into derealization, which I fear greatly. I honestly needed to get this off my chest, I don’t want to sound like a sob but I’ve been shaking typing this whole thing. I love all of you. I will be safe I’m just trying to be happy.