I have know this person for 10 months now. It started off really sexual and then we became friends. We have gotten to know each other very well. It feels like I can be close to them and they truly understand me. After some time I realized they are a very important person to me. I have tried to manage this codependent relationship and its gotten better over time for me. Really I wish I could undo it. We both have BPD. But I am not their FP. They are farther along their journey and are more in control of their behavior. However, I have only been diagnosed and attending therapy for a few months. 

We have been honest with each other. And it has come down to whether I can accept and truly be okay with the fact that they cannot be an intimate partner to me. I honestly thought I was getting there. At first it was so hard. I took it so personally and felt that it meant there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough, that no one could love me. But I also know that I deserve to be with someone that wants to be with me. I think that applies to both romances and friendships. 

So we met in Spain last week (love in the time of covid-19). I worked really hard to manage my expectations, but nothing seemed to go right. I didn't expect to fall in love or for him to change his mind, but I thought this could at least be a special trip where we could get to better know each other. I will say we were both a bit stressed because of the virus. But the person I met was not at all like the one I had been talking to online for months. They were so critical and quick to anger - I felt like I was walking on eggshells around them. It was so unnerving to be on the other side of it for once. Nothing I did was right, and it felt like they wanted me close but also held me at arm's length. It was so difficult to be around him. I tried talking to him about this but he would get so aggressive and shut me down or tell me I was having an "existential crisis". I had been worried that I was going to be the one acting out, and while I was impulsive and full of energy, I wasn't lashing out or negatively affecting him. I don't think I was prepared at all for how they behaved. 

Now I'm back home and wondering what to do. I feel that I have a difficult time trusting my experiences. Before I had considered just cutting him out of my life - if he couldn't return my romantic feelings and I couldn't control how I feel about him. But I think I can manage it now after what happened. It's clear to me we were looking for different things. I wanted intimacy and he just wanted to get off lol. But that's okay. What I am not okay with is how they treated me during the trip. It made me feel so unworthy and like I wasn't good enough to even be their friend. Like I was bothering them and just being a burden. I understand perhaps they were triggered or maybe the distance made it easier for them to suppress these behaviors. I want to give them a chance to explain, but because of how my feelings about them are still involved, I don't know if that is a good idea. I have a very difficult time communicating my needs.