i was doing so well, but i feel sometimes like i've made no progress at all. i'm trying to do everything i'm supposed to to feel better, i'm writing, i'm drawing, i'm sewing, but everything i do feels like it's garbage. i'm so mind-numbingly mediocre at everything i do, nobody will hire me for any jobs that aren't menial labor, not that i really even want to do work at all, but i need money. i feel pathetic. i think about what my suicide note would say, i literally lay in my bed and think about what i would write to each person in my life. usually it's things like "don't feel like you could have done anything more for me", "i cherish the memories we shared together and i'll take them with me". i wonder, again, if my meds are even working. will any medication work for me? will doing anything at all ever help me? i'm scared I'll get to the point where I'll actually write a note. i don't think I'd ever act on it, but seeing the steps slowly draw closer to it feels like the opposite of progress. i don't want my parents to be the parents of a daughter who killed herself. 

i feel like nobody wants me. nobody wants me because i keep letting them down. because i don't do anything with my life. because i'm not entertaining enough, or interesting enough, or just because i'm just not worth it as a person. 

i feel like my life will just be me battling depression until i die. i'm not going to make any grand achievements or accomplish anything noteworthy in my time on earth. i'm going to struggle and then die unfulfilled. 

i made a post about my feelings on social media with some friends. nobody commented. it was like nobody wanted to bother responding. and it's not their responsibility to, but i felt so invisible. i deleted the post. i feel like i'm on the outside looking in, watching everyone have fun and form friendships and talk to each other, and i'm trying to get their attention to include me. it feels so pathetic. nobody gives a shit about my depression, even though everyone else gets reassurance for theirs. what am i doing wrong? maybe posting was a mistake. i just feel even more unwanted.