I had an interesting conversation with someone today that made me pause and realize: HOLY SHIT, is this how I look to other people when I'm spazzing out?! And is this why they react the way that they do?!

Long story short, I rejected a guy who I was considering getting to know as a romantic prospect. This started when they randomly reached out to me this morning, insisting that I did something that I didn't do and doing so in a very accusatory tone, with an entire imaginary narrative about WHY I did what I did. And how dare I do this thing, blah blah blah. Two things: 1) I had no idea what they were talking about, 2) I didn't know them well enough for them to accuse me of any of these things, 3) They were alarmingly hostile and presumptions. All these signs were red flags to me.

After we cleared up the situation, they apologized for what they said and how they came off. But, at that point I was over it; I accepted their apology, but let them know that I don't think we should continue going forward. And that's when the pity party started. They didn't take this well. He went on and on about "how women always reject him", "how things never work out", how badly he feels about not getting a second chance, how he struggles with anxiety and depression, and how dare I "not care" about what he was sharing with me (his sadness story).

And that's when it hit me: I DIDN'T FUCKING CARE and I didn't know him well enough to - and most importantly, I didn't need to know any of this information. All I knew was that - this person, behaved in an inappropriate and alarming way. And rather than taking accountability and accepting the outcome, they were trying to manipulate me into staying by talking about their issues, pain, and sadness (none that I have control over).

And that's when I realized: ahhh, I've been him, and in those cases - my temper tantrum never worked - as his didn't. It's clear to me that now: yes, I have BPD. And it fucking sucks and is painful. But it doesn't excuse my behaviour and I'm responsible for how I manage my feelings (regardless of who triggered them). And making people feel like they're not 'caring' for not managing MY feelings isn't right. My pain isn't special or rare; everyone suffers.