I understand this is super needy and desperate - especially given reddit and strangers but I'm alone, and I'm struggling. I broke up with my super toxic bf tonight after months of 100% triangulation with 3 exes, gaslighting, verbal abuse (being called everything from a c\*nt, bitch, idiot, etc.), blamed, and raged at on almost a daily basis. I was told I was a demon, a monster, and driven close to the point of suicide. I've tried to break up with him multiple times but gave in every single time he'd chase me down, because in those moments - those were the only times I actually felt loved. 

My BPD spiralled out of control, I've destroyed my life. I'm not saying I'm entirely innocent, I'm not. I was possessive and jealous and out of control with every girl. I absolutely dished out a lot of my own anger and rage back but I'm scared, and I'm trying really hard not to text him or reach out even though everything in me wants to but I know I have to go. 

Is anyone out there willing to sit with me please?