Hi all,

Trigger warning for rejection, cheaters, suicidal thoughts

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So last Monday night I was having some drinks and decided to invite my friend over (I’m f 32 he’s m 35). We initially met through tinder in 2017, have seen each other a handful of times and it’s always been platonic. 

I find make friendships hard to navigate as in my experiences they’ve never stayed platonic on the guys’ part. So this friend always being that way did confuse me cause yknow tinder. 

Anyway he was working from home but just brought his laptop over and worked at mine while we had drinks and played music and had a catch up. 
We’re sat on the sofa and then he’s holding my hand and stroking my leg. We’re chilled and happy and I’m thinking oh he does like me more than a friend

Early hours of the morning I go to bed and he stays up til he finishes working then comes to bed and we cuddle and fall asleep. He’s spooning me and still holding my hands and stuff. 
Then in the morning he asks me to lay my head on his chest and we cuddle before he leaves

So a few days go by and I text him asking if he’d like to hang out again soon and he says “yeah I’d be up for that but just as friends yeah?” And I was like ermm “yeah? Okay.. I thought we were just friends til you acted all affectionate with me the other night”

He proceeds to tell me he’s been seeing someone for a year and he has a few female friends he would act like that with and that I got the wrong impression!?

I feel so gaslit and confused, upset and angry. I told this guy my past problems with male friendships and here he is triggering all my insecurities and it’s really hurt my feelings. 
I told him I wasn’t having it and I didn’t want to have had someone’s boyfriend staying over in my bed! At which point he then says he shouldn’t have stayed, he’s sorry and he “got the wrong end of the stick” (huh??)

today I blocked him as I’ve been having really low feelings and suicidal thoughts and absolutely hating myself. I’ve slept the majority of the time over the last few days because I can’t stand being awake thinking about every single time I’ve been rejected, ignored, hurt, made to feel like I’m worthless or “got it wrong”

I can never think straight in situations like this, always blame myself, then later down the line when I have hindsight I am bubbling with rage at not standing up for myself 😓