My whole life I've struggled with being depressed, anxious, and a lot of self hate. I've hit it very well by focusing on other things such as art, tv, movies, joking around and being the all around fun girl. With BPD I'm at a point of self harm, thinking suicide is best for everyone, running away and packing everything in bags when me and my spouse fight. I have a term ill family member, a bizarre situation that occurred a few months back which has my spouse thinking I've been cheating on him for years. The sad thing is, I never have did or will. I've read with BPD they lie a lot and I don't... I just don't tell the whole story or don't bother to talk about things. To me it's not a lie and it's just keeping things to myself. I've never been hyper sexual or slept with lot of people. Oddly enough, people always thought I was a prude. I have a huge fear of conflict with close loved ones, a problem with running to other's for help and when I get upset I now realize I go from white to black. My thinking is white/black and I'm so damn scared.  I have a lot of love for those I care about, but I've always had a hard time trusting people due to my negative thoughts. I'm seeing someone the first time for this in a few days and I just want this madness in my head to end. Please help.. Please help me keep the anger and need to run away and panic that the world is falling down in check. Please give me advise so I can safe myself and my family. 