The mood swings have been getting worse, I’ve been trying to hide them. I think about dying every day, and at least once a week I have a break down and almost take all the pills I have. I don’t call him. 
But today we talked about a lot of personal stuff, and I told him everything. I told him that maybe I should be in a hospital right now. I told him about my past attempts. I fucked up. 
He’s going to leave. He’s going to think I don’t need a boyfriend in my state, or he’s going to think that he can’t be happy when I’m like this. Or he will think he can’t date someone who is hospitalized. He probably mentally checked out of the relationship tonight, and if he stays it will be out of fear for me. I fucked up so bad. Crying in his arms was too much. How is anyone supposed to deal with that? How could I have done that? I hate myself so much. 
I probably am too depressed to be with him but if he left I’d have nothing left. I want the best for him. I don’t think I can be better.