This is my first post here so please correct me if I'm in violation of any rules, I did read them but just in case.

I was diagnosed with bpd almost 3 months ago, although my family and I had believed me to have it for a year prior. I'm pretty educated in it and I'm meeting with a therapist and psychiatrist soon. This post is really just to see if people relate or know which symptom is causing this. I apologize if it's hard to read, I'm going to try my best to explain it. 

Ever since I was 12-13 it's been really hard for me to read books, watch tv shows, or movies. Don't get me wrong I love all those things, especially reading but it would always cause more harm then good. I will mention the most difficult media for me to read is anything involving love or relationships, which if you have bpd you already know those things are difficult. Every time I would read a new book or start a show on Netflix I would get SO invested. It would be the only thing I did for hours and during that time I felt really happy, but that would only last a few days. Once I finished reading or watching said story I would fall into this horrible state of depression. I also think I should say I'm also diagnosed with MDD, so I know the difference between whatever I was feeling and the depression I normally felt. I would be so upset because none of it was real. For days, weeks, I would get so deeply invented in this story and these characters. In the relationship ones especially I would imagine myself having that type of connection with someone. It would tear me up and make me feel so hopeless because that type of love doesn't really exist, not outside of fictional stories at least. At this point in time I'm attributing most of it to my childhood experiences. Growing up I didn't have the most stable family. The short version is my mom had me to her boyfriend of a few months, they split shortly after she found out she was pregnant. She married my stepdad when I was 4 and had my little sister with him a year later. Things were fairly good until I was about 10-11. I won't go into much detail but my stepdad started drinking, cheating, and getting violent. My biological dad wasn't much better, he was always nice to me and present during my younger years but as I got older I learned he wasn't the best person. Lied, went to jail a few times, etc. But through all of that I remember always having this perfect idea of love. I would grow up and have a family and find someone who would love me as selflessly as the characters in my movies and books did. As I've gotten older and have been in relationship I've obviously realized that that isn't how real life works. Even now I'll catch myself comparing my relationships to my parents. "If that's what love actually looks like then why would I waste my time".

Again I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for as a response to this. Advice, Support, Understanding. I'd love to hear anything you have to offer though because it seems I'm at a dead end here. Thanks! - G