It's over. Nearly a year with my gf and now it's over. 

We got into a fight earlier and during the fight while she went out of the room I punched the wall, multiple times. My right had is still recovering from surgery from the first time I punched the wall over a fight. After the fight we made up. I went to the bathroom and noticed how swollen my knuckle was. I went to show her by jokingly saying "wanna see something gross?" That instantly triggered her and she went on a walk with her sister. When she came back, she kicked me out.

After two days she finally sent me a note saying she wishes it to be over and that she felt our relationship was toxic. I can see her point. I wasn't the most supportive in her eyes. A jealous boyfriend I am, and she isn't wrong when she says that if I wasn't the one who made her happy, I would ruin her happiness. 

But through my eyes, I just wanted to be her main person. And it felt like I was only that when I specifically asked for it. I just got home from work and the intrusive thoughts I felt the first night have now returned a hundred fold. I would never take .y own life simply because I'm too much of a pussy to do it. But that doesn't stop me from wishing it. 

My relationship prior to this was an even worse toxic relationship on both of our ends. And I fell into depression hard, quitting my job, eating a couple times a week. I don't feel like this break up will send me into the same spiral thanks to going to therapy, but the weight of this depression feels a million times heavier.

Now, I don't just want someone to talk to or for someone to listen to my problems. I need someone. My only pass time is video games and im sure most people here can understand just how unhealthy that is. I don't mind support, but I need solutions. Someone. Anyone. Please. Hear my cry.