When I’m upset or probably having an episode , I get these urges to hurt myself.  I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live sometimes. Feel like disappearing for some time to  then come back all healthy and refreshed. But it’s not possible. 
I kind of feel like cutting isn’t enough anymore. I want to do something bigger, but I don’t want to permanently damage myself or die. It’s like I want to change myself physically in hope that this will allow me to escape what’s inside. 
Anyone else feels the same and knows how to deal with this urge during an episode?