I don't know how to move forward in this world. I know none of you are my therapist, but if you're willing to listen please grant me that. I never had a therapist, nor friends who would care, bar one but they're dealing with their own troubles and have no time for mine.

I turned 22 a little over a month ago and I haven't done a damn thing. I missed out on my formulative years cause I was too busy playing games, watching videos, and panicking whenever I was around people. It was seriously the most pathetic thing. Thing is, I wanted desperately to talk with my classmates and put myself out there. I wanted to be confident, and I never hated a single person around me. Only myself. I was lightly bullied by a lot of people who targeted me for seemingly no reason, other than that I was weak and an easy target.

There's a few instances I still remember, such as when one of my classmates told me "nobody wants you here" out on the basketball court during gym class, in front of everybody, and nobody said a thing. Even the teacher ignored it. I stood there, wandering back and forth for about a minute trying to get any kind of attention, but nobody said a thing. I walked back towards the school building, which was a good eigth mile away, visible right from the court. I walked slowly and nobody, not even the teacher stopped me or said anything. That was the first time I felt that alone, that was 7th grade. That year, little stuff happened all the time, but my mind's repressed most of it. I remember though, one time on the bus back home, a bunch of kids were calling out to me from the back. I wish I responded, they went on for a while. I was too scared.

I looked back at all these types of events last week, and I discovered it happened usually once a year with a different person. I'm not one to hold onto that shit, so I forgave them all, especially since it never got too serious, which I'm thankful for. However, I think the mental toll has been paid, and I'm pretty fucked cause of it.

A life of failure and disappointment later, me abandoning people I loved to talk to, me cutting ties, me being lazy and not taking action when I need to, all led to me being here now. A 22 year old nobody, no direction, nobody who will give me an objective, straight answer, no relationship experience, no money, nothing to show and already feeling like I'm in the shoes of a geezer.

I still have my dreams though, so many dreams. Like most other people, I would give so much just for a chance to go back and do it again, but who says it wouldn't just end up the same way? Two of my biggest insecurities were my *name* of all things, and my appearance. I was an ugly kid, a little better off now but not by much. So, realistically, my only choice is to carve forward. Still, I can't talk to people despite trying so, so hard, I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. Seriously, I don't know if it's the mild porn addiction, the lack of support or successes or whatever, but my confidence is through the damn floor. I know I'm self aware in most things, though I'm sure I got a million blind spots too, but the things I see are torturing me endlessly.

I want so many things in life. I want to move to San Francisco, finish off my (planned) last two years of college there, try to put myself out there one last time. I want to spend nights with a small group of friends by the beach and dock, in the city just enjoying life. I want to learn to skateboard. I want to learn Jiu Jitsu to gain some confidence, and to be able to protect myself and others, at least a little. I want to learn to make comics or manga or anything of the sort, and put what I have in mind into reality. I want to further my programming and finish my game I've been working on for the past year. I want to start a YouTube channel so I'd always have people to talk to who were interested in the same stuff as me, so I'd have an outlet to just talk. I want to be more confident. I want to be unreasonably confident. I want to put myself out there every chance I see a positive outcome from, even if it's a gamble. I want to be kind to everybody, regardless of my political beliefs. I want to help people just cause. I want to live an adventurous life. I want to fall in love. I want to start a family, raise 4+ happy kids in San Fran, send them to school and teach them to be strong and wise, and to enjoy their lives.

I'm currently stuck in my mom's house in suburbia, 8k in debt and running my days out as a wagie. I already feel so old. I don't know what to do. I can't hold most conversations. I'm a coward. Everybody's moving ahead in life, except for me.

Thanks for reading, if you have any advice, please say whatever's on your mind.