I liked to think that I'm a usually extraverted person. I didn't have problems talking business with strangers nor did I ever feel self-consious in crowds. This hasn't been a case since like some time. Like I started stuttering and lost all communication skills I had suddenly.  

Now I acknowledge I'm lazy, i don't have motivation to do things if there isn't competition, but ever since COVID (especiallyfrom October 2020) I've been feeling really down. Sad, guilt, tension and anxiety consume me. I skipped classes except for biology cuz I never really felt like studying online, could never concentrate. As a result, I think I did really bad in exams. Back to the point, I registered for a college that's not in my city and as a result, had to study online for 2 fucking years in a room alone, by myself, with just books and a screen for long 13-14 hour stretches. I would see my old school friends enjoying with their friends from new college (they registered in the same city so they went offline again shortly after some lockdown restrictions were lifted in March 2021).  

No one really called me, or tried to catch up, except for my best friend who did once(which I'm really thankful for). So in turn, I didn't really call them either because I'm a pussy.  

I've lost all interest and whenever I try to concentrate on anything, bad old memories resurface, I act irritated because of which ppl around me (my mom in particular) have said I'm arrogant, rude and it always feels like I radiate negativity. I don't really wanna tell them all this because I'm afraid their first reaction will be getting mad that I skipped classes (which they're correct for).  

I also don't feel like sleeping, even changed my sleep schedule like 14 times over 2 years and my diet is little but i eat a lot of chocolates cuz ppl say they can keep you happy. Tho I didn't really gain weight.

All I want is to be able to concentrate and be like i once used to be, productive and someone ppl think radiates positivity because it's all really draining on my mind. I did consider self-harm but i know better so that's never happening. I just wanna fight this. Not feel this way. I'm afraid of consequences of not studying, and that itself makes me less productive, that lingering tension whenever I sit on the desk to study. I just want to be free, happy, i don't wanna feel like a burden. I just wanna live like a reliable dude. 

Thanks and sorry you had to read this rant. I needed to get this out somehow.🙏