exwBPD and BD - for anyone who reads this I am not letting this situation affect how I feel about anyone with a mental illness BPD or BD etc, this was my first experience and I am learning a lot from it I hope I can help anyone i meet in the the future anyway possible... I am just hoping people with BPD can share some light on the situation or help me understand it all :/ 

Small summary I dated this girl in 2013 we was each others first love I was 17 she 15 nothing sexual happend because of her age we eventually broke up because of long distance 2 months later I have never really gotten over her... I finally moved on after 8 years and then she randomly came back in my life same weekend I deleted everything about her finally... She told me she had two kids, exboyfriend who was domestic and abusive, and trauma as a kid watching her Mum be raped and her sister friend was making her give him oral while she was 12. I always thought we was soul mates and I attempted to give it another shot then after 2 months she broke up with me again like I was nothing here's the notes.  Also after we broke up she starting making sure everyone knows she's fine and is now openly flirting with people who contact her for someone wanting to better herself alone for a long time I don't understand whys she like this and now telling everyone her exboyfriend or 5 years the kids dad knew her bpd really well and it wasn't an issue in her relationship which I know to be such lies
... According to her I never existed she was single since December me and her didn't just break up so that feels nice right... 

23/02/2021 
At a friend's house 

Girl mate said why didn't I offer to pick my girlfriend up from my house, I repeated I did offer laughing and joking. Girlfriend instantly changed moods and gave me the evil eyes like she's looking right through me, I understand she wanted to walk home and that was not an issue I have no idea why she did that when we was all having a laugh. 

That night we discussed the ex boyfriend (babys dad) situation from previous where he demanded my girlfriend be home for 6 which we was already going to be home for, I mentioned she was acting as childish as him they was both back and forth winding each other up and having arguments over it. Girlfriend gave me evil eyes again which she explained it is  her processing face which I accepted and can live with at the time it felt like she was looking through my soul and just blanking anything Im saying because whatever I say means nothing. Girlfriend response was you didn't go through what I did during my relationship with my ex-boyfriend t's nice to be able to fight back... I understand she has her reasons but it felt like she didn't give a shit how I felt about the situation, I want us to avoid drama is that such a bad thing to ask for? I asked her to think about me and what would happen if I got a police record because something kicked off then I would loose my job does she actually care about me because I was hoping she would see where I'm coming from and say your right that makes sense I need to think of you aswell now. Sometimes I feel like it's her and the kids only like I'm a pawn I can be removed or replaced easily enough. 


20/03/2021 

Sometimes I feel she does not look at me the same anymore like how she would look at me when we first got together the funny comments or sly looks across the room... The need to always want to touch me just seems less and less. 

The funny personality and banter we had when were just alone seems to be slowly decreasing.. when a friend came round she was laughing making jokes but as soon as he leaves it's quite and we're both just focused on sleeping instead of speaking and laughing. She also plays with her hair alot when speaking to people or reading text conversations from her phone which I never noticed before not an issue I must have just not noticed it?  When she is speaking to a neighbour I can hear more laughing going on than we can have that whole day.


Sometimes when I bring up a debate or discussion with her the instant defensive mechanism kicks in ready to argue her corner sometimes it's too overwhelming I don't know how to react with offending her so I just hold my emotions in. I believed this is a split caused by her bpd.. but she has made it clear that I am in the wrong because I do not understand BPD or is willing to learn about it. 

I'm starting to feel like we don't speak much anymore unless it's all about drama there is not much just chit chat even when were outside or alone we would normally speak about loads of subjects now it's just quite. 

Normally straight after we finished sex she would always say I love you that was amazing thank you or something along them lines now it's just quite and we both lay there... 

She seems alot more stressed which could be a result of the kids being a handful but I'm wondering if her stopping taking her medication for 4-5 weeks is having some kind of role to play in this.  I'm to scared to bring this up incase she gets upset for me for making these comments even though I just want her to be ok. She mentioned previously she was slipping but I don't understand that exactly? 


21-22/03/2021 

I brought up the fact there was tension over the weekend but I did not provide all the notes I made above. Her response was the following: " I think alot about some of the things that you say when in relation to all this drama and my mental health and its like meh I know you don't understand my BPD but it also feels like you can't let go of your misconceptions or are willing to lean much about it."  

This has really emotionally damaged me to the point I cry over it, all I have done since I started dating her is try and learn about her disorder to make sure there are no problems in our relationship.  On numerous occasions I have asked her about her bpd and how doee it work and made notes about it, now I'm basically being told all my effort was a waste of time because I have it all wrong or I am not nvested in learning about it. She even said herself she is still learning about her bpd and sometimes she don't understand it I'm so confused :( 

"Sorry Im half in and out of sleep, just a quick example don't even know if it's gonna come out right cos I'm so tired but you said about you don't want us to have an arguent Android y I'm in the wrong for me to then turn around and blame you instead and manipulate the situation, you've said loads of things like that" 

I was not expecting this as a response it simply came as a shock, on multiple occasions when I try to discuss something or debate something I feel whatever I say is irrelevant or taken the wrong way.  I'm holding all my emotions in and how I feel just so I don't offend her... I never cry and now I'm crying after every argument... Sometimes when we discuss something bad I feel the way she responds makes me think I was always in the wrong even if at the start of a discussion I believe in my values and what I'm standing up for by the end I am starting to think I did not have values at all. 

"Another example, I always express my feelings openly with you, I've never opened up like this before and made myself so vulnerable and you don't have anything to say, or you just have a sarcastic comment 🙃 I think i need to go a day without any communication with you because  I'm pretty upset" 

I can understand how she is feeling but she does not understand that I didn't sleep once last night I was up crying all night trying to understand where I fucked up in the relationship for it to reach this point. In my mind I found my soul mate I thought we was going to the moon and back always and forever, I did not think she was so angry with me about how I deal with her bpd and how so little I really understand her. I love how she can open up and share her feeling with me but it's hard for me to express my feelings back when I think it will hurt or offend her so I keep them hidden. When she text me this in the morning I was full on zombie mode I'm surprised I didn't just let the train take me if I'm being brutally honest. I have so much I want to say but scared of how it will all come out, I don't mean to sound sarcastic but sometimes I'm really in pain and hurting I just can't explain what's going on inside. A simple thing like the upside smiley face makes me feel stupid like it's being intentionally directed to me.... 


Extra notes collected overtime: 

I previously explained how her exboyfriend walking in the house makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't like it he's an ex boyfriend it's not normal, fair enough there is kids involved but the kids can be taken outside by her Which she was doing but now he's suddenly using the toilet most days he comes round... I  spoke to her about this and she agrees she does not like it either... For a bit he did not come in then suddenly he started coming in again? She never really spoke to him about it to say you shouldn't be coming in I'm not sure why not. Overtime it has been discussed since but I have just made it like I'm fine with him coming in to avoid upsetting her... It's her house and it's up to her who she has in there. All I want to say is I don't know he exboyfriend personally or anything about him I only know what she has told me and that is enough for me to not want him in my house let alone hers....


The flirting situation I stuck up for her  and completely backed her side against my family after we spoke about it all. My mum accused her of being flirty with my step dad on multiple occasions I also thought she wanted to spend a lot of time with him. I was then told she told my mum she gave my step dad a kiss and cuddle one morning for he's birthday which was apparently all lies was she just trying to cause chaos for my family. only negative was I was curious if bpd affects your personality towards other people like you adapt to how they act and then bounce of that vibe all I said was Infront of certain couples you have to be careful what you say because others have emotions and feeling aswell, when I said this to my exBPD made me doubt what I said was true as if she won't change her personality (sarcastic she will do whatever she wants if people get upset it's there problem I felt I was in a loosing battle I even cried over it once again I'm crying???? I feel like she understands what I mean but then I think she doesn't want to care? 

21/03/2021 night - tomorrow is a big day for me it's the first official day I'm really doing a full week in London at my new job... I spent the whole night stiring into darkness just crying because I can't process how I have upset and hurt her so much for her to say all this she did didnt even say I love you like she always would before falling asleep  heartbroken just don't cut it. I thought the tension would be because we're both fed up of drama with family I did not expect to be told I did so much wrong. 

Am I a terrible boyfriend have I always lived thinking that I was a great boyfriend for any girl,  but at recent time I think my nice actions are having an opposite affect... Maybe being nice is not good for a healthy relationship am I going crazy who knows..?  I want to talk to her about how I'm feeling I want to accept I feel broken I need her to want a love me but also understand me is that to much to be asking from her? She already has so much going on am I becoming a burden for her am I too difficult to be with. Has the knight in shining armour complex now gone? Am I just causing her pain? 

23/03/2021 

I gave her space all day and night it really wasn't easy I feel heartbroken that we have not spoke at all yesterday... I had a really bad time emotionally last night I'm starting to just assume she has decided our relationship is over now and I'm just waiting for the words to be sent... I tried to get her to see I am feeling broken with the mental health stories but she showed no empathy for me the girl I thought I knew would message me to make sure I was okay even if we was going through a tough time. It feels like in her mind our connection has come to pass and the pawn I assumed I was has now become a reality... Does she now see me as not required or wanted no more? Have I now pushed her to far away that she don't want to try and make us work?... She must be thinking I'm being cruel by not speaking to her but in reality I am giving her all the space she possibly needs hoping that there is some light in the tunnel that she walks too and decides life is better with me in it. 

As the day goes by I still have not heard from her I'm now in my worst possible point thinking about doing something  selfish and stupid just to get her attention... My work performance is becoming worst it's starting to show and it will affect me keeping my job... She knows how important my job is for our future so why is she allowing me to have this mental abuse while I'm at work. I'm not expecting her to send big messages just a how are you are you ok would change my whole moodset for the day. Is she doing this to push me away further does she want  have for everything that is happening... and all that I have done. 

Half way through my day I'm wondering what happended where did the your my soul mate always and forever dissaper to? This is only the start of our relationship and we are not talking for nearly 2 whole days.... Am I trying to keep her love because I have forced myself to believe she was and is the only one I wanted or want.... When I think of seeing her next or sending her these notes because I know deep down even if she wants to break up she has to see these notes... Every time I think about this I feel sick like an anchor is pulling me down a black whole is eating up my insides and my brain.... Am I prepared mentally and emotionally for what will happen after she reads everything... Do I even know her enough to speculate what she will do or react? Have I only seen one side to my girlfriend and this is the other side now that I was not expecting to see and now I do see it? How do I handle the situation that is going on... 

If we break up I know it will eat me up inside I will need serious therapy and deep down I have always known that will be required if I can't be with her.... 

I begged her to tell me if she was cheating on her ex and she said he following - I wasn't planning to talk to anyone while with him (ex-boyfriend) I was then told 2 days ago she was talking and flirting with another guy before we got together but she was still with her exboyfriend... but never told me why? Him sending you nudes and she Denys there flirting going on?  You was gonna meet up just friends seems different to what I know now? was she still chatting to him arranging to meet up once we got together?  What's the real story why has she lied to me about all of it. How can I be sure she ain't or won't do the same thing with me in the future? I was fine knowing it was only two days with her ex-boyfriend before she broke up but if it was November then she was cheating a long time... I'm scared now it makes me have trust issues which I really didn't want to have. 

She asked me to buy some ropes to kink up the bedroom the night we used them I notice she left the handcuffs and play suits under the bed for me to find from her previous relationship.  

She sent me the following on 23/03 night: 

"I don't think we're going to work out. We've had how many disagreements already, so much tension and drama going on and I really don't feel like you understand me or can get past the fact that I have BPD, I know you said you was fine about it but the way you say things and act makes me feel like utter shit..." 

I then replied to her with all the above that I had written down here was her response that to: 

I feel like the Knight in Shining Armour complex hurt more than it helped, I didn't need to be saved, I didn't need help, I needed someone that understood me on a deep level. Honestly, the quiet was because I was reciprocating your mood, I always say that's amazing and I love you after sex, I always play with my hair when talking to anyone, I stopped touching you as much because you kept pushing me away and it stomped on my confidence. I think you don't know how to be in a relationship and it shows and honestly I'm not ready to be giving every inch of myself and losing who I am in the process. I'm stressed because I haven't had much time to work on myself and give myself time to relax and rejuvenate inbetween seeing you, because I have two kids, because I have no money, because my mum is an arsehole and my sisters are weird with me and they're my absolute rocks, because of your mum and step dad  I didn't need or deserve any of that bullshit, because I'm one woman with a lot of shit on my mind, including my BPD and trying to be normal for you and fit in with everyone even though that gets thrown in my face. I was pissed at my friend's  because I don't need help from anyone and honestly the way you get so defensive and angry so quickly it scares me so when I'm with them I'm comfortable speaking my mind because I'm safe but when I'm alone I'm quieter because I don't know how angry and loud you're gonna get and don't get me wrong I can handle myself but I've been in this situation before and it started off the same although I do feel less comfortable now sharing my thoughts and feelings. 

After she sent me this I went to her house about an hour away to ever clear the air or mutually break up. When I got there the door was just hard locked and she didn't answer eventually I called her then her a bang but never thought to much of it. We then started speaking inside she basically said she's made her choice she wants to work on herself and be single there was a lot mentioned and it was really painful to understand but the way she looked at me was like she already moved on mentally and I was just something to cleanup. She had already packed my stuff within an hour of me driving up to her I was basically removed that quick? 

When going upstairs I noticed her daughter's bedroom was locked but her kids were not there that night I have never noticed that door to be locked did she potentially have someone else in there because I begged for one more night to see how it goes and she wouldn't give me that saying it's to much pressure on her... Was something else going on I now can't sleep because I keep seeing the door like something was behind it and it's making me crazy over it... I know the door was slammed because the daughter's name on paper was now in my ex girlfriend room on the side so it's obviously fallen off when slammed shut? 

When we broke up in 2013 originally she hurt me by deleting all social media in hours and she did the exact same thing again this time everything was deleted in minutes when I asked why she wants to hurt me again like that her response is I'm not a mind reader and you can't control me... 

The crazy part is her mum fully told me I need to be careful because of her mental health and that something bad will happen because we rushed into it and I chose to ignore it all.. she also mentioned I'm most likely a rebound but I begged my exBPD to tell me I wasn't going to be from the start guess I was.... 

Now I'm heartbroken and confused,
Was i really that bad in the relationship and is she correct in everything she is saying about me or was this just the inevitable and I was blind by it from the beginning.... 

To get over our relationship I had to just block everything the next day I was being told she's happier than ever and posting selfies all over the internet.... I got told I'm out of order because I never gave her any warning.... which is so rude considering she gave me 1 hour and dumped me then removed everything online and now tells everyone she's been single since the kids dad. Guess our relationship never happended? 

Just want to also add here someone I knew messaged her the weekend flirting not knowing she's my ex because there's no history anywhere, I was told she was flirting rather heavy with him (seen screenshots) apparently she's been single since December how she is ready to get back into dating and having intercourse... Bit hyproctical considering she told me she needed time for self care and improving her life for her sake and the kids now she's already ready to jump back on the relationship band wagon?