I fear for my own mental health right now because I think that I'm going to crack. 

Preface- I love my sister greatly. I want her to succeed and be better. I understand that she is ill and hold no anger towards her. Perhaps just frustration that she isn't embracing any help and love that I offer her. 

So, she is still planning to kill herself after the holiday. I've been in contact with at least 3 actual licensed mental health professionals. Including reaching out to a local emergency service (so I guess closer to 6 professionals if you count all the phone calls I've made).

So, my little sister *hates* our older sister. I tried to host our family's Christmas eve get together so my pwBPD would be comfortable enough to show up but our older sister put a stop to that (I've hosted many times before. In fact, I usually do host with the exception of the last 2 years since my second failed back surgery but I was going to fight thru and endure the pain of the extra work so my little sister would be comfortable enough to show. I mean I know she'd likely find an excuse to not come anyway but at least she couldn't blame me). But my older sister fucked things up so it's either her house or nothing and my nieces and nephews miss out if we cancel. 

So just recently today I received lovely messages about how this is all my fault. 

Backing up to her suicide....

As I said before, my mom and me are the only ones who endure her BPD symptoms. The only people left that she sort of accepted that love her and trusts. 

Monday my mom and I called her mental health provider's office to leave a message listing all of our concerns. Despite 911 and sectioning her, we don't have any other options. And even other mental health providers have weighed in that there's a possible chance sectioning her could encourage her to seek further help, but it likely won't do much aside from sparing her a few more days. Because she doesn't just suffer with BPD but also EXTREME physical and chronic pain, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. So she basically has to make a choice to *want* to pursue any of the help that we research for her. 

But OMG HER FUCKFACE dr.... he TOLD her that it was ME that called and, at least from what she said, communicated that I wanted her sectioned. Angry does not begin to describe how im feeling. He NEVER contacted us to ask what evidence we have that would raise these concerns. He didn't discuss them with her and avoid mentioning WHY he was concerned- just blamed me.  Like, as a professional, why would you jeopardize the relationship with one of the only 2 people she had left that she confides in (he's knowledgeable of this fact). A rookie wouldn't even risk this. Monday he's going to have a nice Christmas surprise when I've called whatever board accredits his license to practice, and here's why...

He "didn't have enough time" to discuss any other psych meds to put her on. So he actually said that SHE NEEDS TO CONTINUE TO DETOX from them!! Even after we told him about her hallucinations. I also know our primary contacted him about these same concerns as well as the dermatologist that examined her for her non existent scabies. My sister ripped apart her skin digging out non existent bugs and the dr has been told about them. 

Why doesn't she seek other help? Well  per her insurance she can't see drs outside of the facility he's employed with without stopping to see this quack. And she won't do that because he continues to prescribe her adderall. A medication she needs the least. There are a myriad of studies showing how adderall use can actually induce psychosis in some people. But dr fuckface is so busy he doesn't have time to appropriately examine her. Just keep her happy with her adderall script, that could be part of the problem. I mean, if this was the route that he continued after efficiently examining and assessing her that'd be different. But just to further prove what a bad doc he is who just looks for a paycheck, my mom and sister *both* had appointments to see their psychologists/psychiatrist yesterday. I went to my mom's appointment (my mom wanted me to go in with her if I was good with that). Mom's appointment began 10 minutes before my sister and while I was in with them, my sister was already home sending me angry messages after her dr threw me under the bus. He spent maybe all of 10 mins with a patient under duress of which he had 4 days notice that she needed his attention. 

Every mental health provider I've contacted has said he's negligent. 

Honestly, I wouldn't be blaming him in the least if he made the slightest effort. But at this point- he's left her to herself (per my sister he told her he thought she was having a mental break/psychotic episode but did fuck all about it) to continue her hallucinations and suicide plan. 

I am broken. I want to, I need to help my sister but have done *everything* I can. Idk what to do any longer. I'm continuing to get angry messages from her. 

I'm angry. I'm frustrated. Im devastated. And I'm defeated. 

I can't stop crying because I'm terrified I'm losing my sister. Every phone call I get from family im bracing myself that it's *the* phone call telling me that she's gone. 

How do other people with BPD work thru their suicidal ideations and how do loved ones handle this?