(24M)
My story as to how I ended up in this position is tragic enough that I cry just from telling it. The more I think about it, my life was doomed from the start. 

As an autistic individual, I completely missed out on so many “typical childhood” things. Children learn to build confidence and a sense of identity from making friends and playing with each other, not to mention it’s just plain fun for them. But for me as a kid, because of my autism and social/communicating difficulties that came with it, making friends was not possible. No kid ever asked me to play with them or be their friend, not even the ones in my neighborhood. So, I sat alone at every recess and lunch. After school and during weekends, I would pretty much just sit and watch TV or YouTube until it was my bedtime. It’s no wonder my social skills are practically nonexistent. 

In middle school, I pretty much just existed and not doing much else. I decided to just focus on academics, as in my mind, that’s all I was really in school for. I would just go to school, do my work, and go back home again, not speaking to anyone. 

Then in high school, I started to get jealous of peers who seemed to be forming relationships with girls so easily, going on dates and things. So, attempted to do the same, but ended up being rejected four times. Eventually my peers abandoned me because I wasn’t “cool” enough for them. This made me fall into a deep depression, and I even began to think of ways to kill myself. When I admitted this to a school staff member, they Baker-Acted me (It’s a law in Florida that allows an individual to be institutionalized if they’re found to be a threat to others or themselves). I spent the night in a mental hospital with poor living conditions. There were limited food options, the showers only had cold water and NO curtains, and my bed not only barely fit me, but was the most uncomfortable bed I had ever laid down on. Thankfully I was released the next day due to good behavior, but the damage was done. I began to build walls around myself, and became always bitter and angry. Even to this day, every time someone tries to make small talk or get close to me, I scowl and push them away. 

To sum it up, I can’t see any reason for me existing on this planet. I’m not going to be successful, or have a partner, have friends or anything. I’m just a waste of flesh.