Today is bad, and I'm all alone. I would appreciate whatever support or commiserations you guys might have. Throwaway because I hate myself. 

I got triggered because I cannot find something that I needed. It's seriously just gone. I guess it made me feel like I have no control over anything, which I don't. My best friend just moved two hours away and I feel resentful and guilty for being resentful. There have been deaths in the family. My husband is being seriously verbally abusive lately, I can't stand it. He is in the wrong, but I'm a distant noodle who never wants to have sex literally all the time so I can see where he's coming from. Still an ass tho. 

But I'm honestly so dissociated from my own life and life in general so often that this circumstantial shit doesn't bother me, everything is existential which makes it 383739x more overwhelming and insurmountable. I don't like the way the earth was designed, I don't like having a body. Eyes freak me out, both conceptually and because they hold everyone else's emotions which I cannot deal with the weight of. Sex is such a bizarre and foreign concept to me but I used to be so in touch with it. I don't understand death and why it's both such a big deal and also not a big deal at all. So many people seem sad. Everything just feels weird and fading or otherwise not real. And life just has this sinister undertone, like it's a sick joke or something. And we all know about BPD's number one, always there, foolproof solution to any of life's problems! It gets old walking on the border of life.

I harbor these thoughts consistently and they remain unchallenged, so they have become beliefs. Someone made a post about how beliefs can determine emotions even if you don't have any active thoughts and I thought that was really insightful, I've been mulling it over and it inspired me to try to quantify/qualify my emotions in a safe space with like minded (and awesome) people instead of sitting there going through the mental flashcards of all the problems that exist and dreaming of ways to off myself. But it's easy to see how those bigger beliefs hide in your mind all the time, sometimes behind other, lesser thoughts, sometimes behind nothing at all. 

So yeah. Feel free to give me virtual hugz or send over your 2 cents or even diatribe, I'll take anything at this point. 