This is my first time posting on here. I just want to understand this way of thinking. I apologize in advance for being long-winded. I am not sure how to summarize it and if anyone has an idea what this is, please, I appreciate anything! 

I moved around a lot as a kid and I got used to the idea of making friends one week and leaving the next. I didn't much about it until I got a phone. With a phone, I could stay in touch with people even if I switched schools. I am comfortable with space and I like solitude, but I love hugs and can be very affectionate.


With the people I tend to gravitate towards, I'm typically seen as a person who is seen as being the happy, smart or responsible one because I typically just do my homework, say lightehearted things and study. I feel that they see me this way because they comment about it, it's in our jokes and I've been told directly that someone like me couldn’t handle talking about heavy stuff...because I'm such a ray of "sunshine"...at best, I'm a decent actor.

I always didn't feel I was exactly to that standard. The time I took to study was taken from my sleep, my energy was 32 oz of coffee and my afternoon was filled by one of six clubs. 

I was mostly pessimistic as all hell and hated doing anything ever because I was so tired and zoned out of mind most of the day, not to mention I was an honors student who's self-worth was directly correlated to how well my grades were doing and up until sophmore year, bad grades were justification enough to self-harm(not cutting), avoiding eating favorite foods until I had good grades, wearing small shoes that hurt everytime I walked because I "deserved it" and hate myself. 

So again, no idea how I got the happy label, but my friends made me happy, so I guess I didn't really get to show them that side of me too often because being around them made me come out of it for a bit. That anf they had their own stuff they were dealing with that felt more real than whatnwas going on in my head that made it hard to bring up because it felt not as real as theirs at that time.

They would either come to me for direction when I don't know what would work best for them because I'm not in their head. I try my best to be there for them. I always want to be that ideal friend. In my mind, that means I am always high energy, always know what to say to make them laugh or comfort them and that I can't really be myself. I tell jokes whenever I see the oppurtunity. Maybe   I'm insufferable to them, I don't know. I can see funny things in most things, happy or not.

When I am around them, I feel like I'm always partially lying to them. I can't tell
them that the real reason I went to therapy for an addiction and not "bad thoughts", that I do "risky" things on a blue moon without thinking about it like wanting to leave a moving car on the highway and forgetting it was dangerous or that I was putting on a face so they could be happy without running the risk of being seen as a hypocrite. It's like someone saying smoking is bad and then also being a smoker. I couldn't tell them, it scares me how betrayed they would feel.


I love doing things for them and seeing them smile. They always tell me about their lives and maybe it's selfish of me to think I do anything, but I always hug them and tell them I love them because I really want to make them feel that, especially since I don't see them all the time.

Despite all that, if I go a while without seeing someone, my brain starts to gather any wrongdoing they've ever done and form a theory as to why they treated me wrong. I also talk to myself and it ends up being a conversation that defends and attacks them until a conclusion is met. 
That conclusion is typically along the lines of "they meant harm and I didn't notice." Granted, there was one occasion in which a friend told me outright they hoped a partner I had would hurt me and I forgot until we had time off.

I tend to put off emotional matters until I have the time to tend to them properly because physical matters like homework and work took priority. I remember I burned a hole in my thumb and just stopped looking at it until one day I was like "oh hey, the hole's gone" and forgetting which hand it was.


Anyway, I don't know why I think bad of my ftiends, but the odd thing is that as soon as I talk to them again, my thoughts are "Oh yeah, I like this person. They're my friend. I love being around them. How did I forget this?" 

I don't have much of a memory for anything besides school or anything written I believe as I reread this. I can memorize anything if it is specifically school-related or club-related like steps for a set in marching band or a math equation, but I can’t remember any holiday, all birthdays, car brands, famous people, names of items on occasion like pencils, tv shows, body parts, states, capitals, and basically things like that under the sun.

Everything becomes a fuzz not too long after it happens. I am a bit obsessed with the idea of capturing a memory because I will forget, so I take a lot of pictures and notes about everything so I don't forget. My notes help me remember things like birthdays, what my favorite things are, how to get to different places in my school and how to do things like the route to get to a class by landmarks because I can't remember streetnames that well.


I wonder if my family situation affects this? My family situation has been consistently my mother, step-father and me. We get along for the most part, but we each stay in our own corner of the house. Sometimes, things fall apart when someone has an outburst or argument, but typically it's ignored, not really "resolved" within a few days. 

Denial is also our weapon of choice. I can't get a straight answer when I ask my parents about these behaviors. In my mother's case, I have no problems because reality isn't what's real if you believe it isn't eg. a diagnosis of a mental health issue is a lie if I believe it is. In my step-dad's case, it's dramatic and paranoid of me to think something's wrong and everything is fine because he says it is. 

It may sound bad, but I don't feel that anyone else could get me the way they do in regards to everything else. We are still in the process of changing our view with therapy being a taboo thing. It took me six years, but I finally got my mom to agree to it when I felt I was losing control of myself and she could see it. I'm doing considerably better now and still making the constant effort to change and say no to what seems like a good idea for a minute and isn't for the rest. I do decently in school now, and honestly have average grades which makes me happier even though because of money I am still a *expletives* honors student.Therapy helped a lot; I want to examine this so I can know how to tackle it and live with it better. I have a hunch it is depression, but I am not sure if there is a specific name for it? I know the best would be to get diagnosed, but I've only come so far with my parents, maybe that's as far as I get for now. Hopefully, I can afford it myself soon. 

Oh, and that brings up another thing. I always take notes in circular paths that end up branching out and becoming an assymetical web of sloppy words and arrows and highlights and aggresive underlines? I don't think that's a thing, but they read out normally to me. Does anyone have a style similar to that?


My writing has often be described as a strem of conciousness. I hope this made sense as my story-telling can be a bit over the place. My apologies!