I don’t have anything left for me.

My studies have concluded, and because I’m a mentally ill mess I’m basically unemployable.

I can’t find enjoyment in anything anymore, and I genuinely cannot feel even basic emotions anymore. I miss how it get to be happy, or mad, rather than this constant numbness.

All my friends have abandoned me, including my FP, the one person who made everything seem worth it who went NC with me almost a month ago now, who yesterday I discovered has a new SO. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them all that they’re happy, but I just can’t take this anymore. I genuinely just cannot do this anymore.

Suicide genuinely feels like the only way I can release myself from this torture.

I hear the whispers tell me to end it and I visually hallucinate silhouettes of people a lot too nowadays. I’ve also been getting bad night terrors, so even sleep isn’t a release.

If I were to die, it wouldn’t only end the suffering I experience,it would also end the suffering of my parents, as well as lol of those of whom I regard dear. They wouldn’t need to be burdened by me anymore.

I wouldn’t have to hear these voices and be tormented by these thoughts. Maybe I’d feel joy in death, maybe I’d even feel happy.

But people keep trying to keep me here against my will. They know I’m not strong enough to go through this alone, but they never seem to put a helping hand out. They don’t understand this torment that I have to face everyday, and how much suicide makes sense to me.

I’m replaceable, invaluable and forgettable. And I just want to be at peace. Is that so wrong of me to ask? Why won’t they just let me die peacefully? Why is suicide always described to me as selfish or a bad thing?

I’m sorry if a lot of this wasn’t that coherent, I don’t know whether I’m thinking straight at the moment or not