31 F. I feel like my life is just slipping through my fingers. I've never had many friends or been able to keep them. Even though my partner has some issues with depression too, he has hobbies and passions...and lots of friends and people who genuinely like and appreciate him. I love that about him but it also makes me feel like there's something so wrong with me. His depression isn't nearly as bad and he's good at finding distractions. I always say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, get too drunk and embarrass myself and feel so awful about it that I'd rather just not go anywhere or do anything. He always reassures me that they're my friends, too but I don't feel the same. I've lost touch with my friends over the years and my efforts to keep up with people have been met with rejection. I've sabotaged myself at my new job as well by calling out my boss (41F) for being belittling to me. She's said I'm negative yet all I hear from her is her complaining about her job and I was fed up, yet I'm the one who's negative for also not liking this job. I need a new job but I hate applying and putting myself out there, it causes so much stress and anxiety. It's only getting worse and these days I just don't have any motivation or drive or passion. 

I just sit around at home by myself crying and thinking of all the times people mistreated and bullied me and how I deserved it. I think a lot about the time I was walking to work downtown 3.5 years ago and having a nice morning, and some random man walking by says "Why you smiling you b*tch, you're ugly." I spent half my day at work crying in the bathroom. I break down every time I see the sweater I was wearing. Those words play in my head when I see myself in the mirror. Now I wear sunglasses and a mask every time I'm in public, especially alone. People have kind of always treated me this way, though, even when I was a kid. They will say horribly mean things to me, like a friend saying "why are you so annoying" in person, to my face, just a couple of years ago. I'd never say something like that to someone, ever. Why do people think they can say those things to me? It must be warranted if everyone does it (except my partner). I have no self esteem or self worth when it comes to friends or anything social.

I can't seem to figure out how to feel better or get anything done on my own, I get so anxious about plans and leaving the house that I end up rarely leaving. I don't look forward to things, I just get nervous about them and my head spins with all the things I need to do to get ready to do ANYTHING. I'm so overwhelmed by nothing. I just want it to be over. I'm just fading away. I don't know how to accept any advice. I feel like I've heard it all before and my brain will immediately come up with why that won't work for me. How do I talk to a therapist about getting medication if I can't even bring myself to talk to someone?