My Mom died yesterday morning.  To be honest, it was pretty unexpected.  She'd been sick for a month or so, but hid how bad it was from us kids.  My mom didn't like doctors or the hospital, she was old enough she had seen too many friends go in for something minor, and never leave.  Or never have much quality of life.  She didn't want to go out like that.  

She thought maybe she was having a brush with covid (she was fully vaccinated), but it was actually pneumonia.  We finally got her to go in, and it was really bad.  They drained 2.5l of fluid from her lung, and she was a tiny woman.  We thought she was going to be coming home today, but, no.  Her body just shut down early yesterday morning.  Dad barely had time to get there before she passed.

There won't be any kind of funeral.  We'll have a big party in her memory in the summer.

I feel guilty I didn't push harder for her to go to the doctor, and because, in the end, all we did was make her die in the hospital, which was all she wanted to avoid.

And I'm angry.  Because what killed her was another infection, dangerous enough, but one that antibiotics can easily beat.  And if we'd pushed sooner, maybe she would have pulled through.

  And there isn't anybody to be angry at, nobody to blame.  she made a choice, she had always been clear about her wishes, and we all accepted that.  But, that anger is still there.

My mom was a wonderful person.  When I had my biggest breakdown, in my 30's, she spent the next ten years putting me back together.

Thank god for mood stabilizers.  It's keeping the worst of this at a bit of a distance, but I know this is going to hit me all at once.  And the person I would go to for support is gone.

And as bad as I feel this, I can't imagine how Dad feels.  Nearly 60 years together.  A relationship out of the movies - they loved each other so much, they were such a good team.