I haven't been to a psychiatrist since I was a teenager. I'm 27 now. It's only ever really been councelling.

I'm scared for it, not because I don't think I'll be able to talk about what's been going on. But about being honest on how manipulative and shitty I've been.

Last week I threaten to kill myself if my boyfriend didn't drive down and see me. It's been a build up over the last month of feeling mostly low. I cut my arm, and all I could think in my head was, this will show him. Last text I sent him before I was gonna take the meds was, "just remember, I begged you". Cause I wanted him to feel like how I was feeling.

I did everything that night to get a reaction. And now I'm dealing with the aftermath of it. My emotions are so erratic and I feel obsessive. Im constantly checking my phone for when he last messaged. When he was last active, how long it's been since I sent my message. Checking his location on snapchat. The other night, he said he would be home after one drink. His phone died. Got to 3am and I was completely gone by that point. At about 1 I said, don't leave it too late. At 1.30 I tried calling, by 2, I was angry, like pure rage. Then by 2.30 I was deeply low and still angry. By the time he got talking to me, I couldn't speak to him, because my emotions were so fucking intense, I knew I'd say something I shouldn't.

Being honest about where your mind goes during split, how much you're willing to do for that person, how much you would tear them down. It's hard, cause you gotta admit you're shitty. And you're a bad person, you let it get that bad. I was doing so well for so long. And now I'm back in therapy and family are worrying.

What I wanted from this post, is essentially, advice for the first therapy session, as well as experiences relating to this. Just need to feel like I'm not alone in all this.