Hey guys, I know this is pretty cheesy. I'm having a tough time right now, and I know how hard it can be to be optimistic. I hope you take the time to read this.

 

It’s 2pm when I wake up. My apartment is dark and cold, but I don’t dare open the blinds. I lay under my thin sheets, staring at the ceiling, for an hour. Nothing specific to think about, I’m not severely upset, but I also haven’t felt excitement in god knows how long. I guess I’m lucky enough, being stuck in this emotionless limbo. I sit up, letting my feet hit the freezing floor. I’m so tired. I feel overwhelmingly empty. I go to the bathroom, and stare in the mirror. I hate looking at myself, but I can’t stop. The bags under my eyes grow worse every day, my hair is messy and dirty, my teeth are yellow. My eyes drift to my toothbrush and shower, as they do everyday, but I just can't bring myself to take care of myself. I go back to my bed, and put on a shirt that hasn’t been washed in weeks. I’m so tired, I want to go back to sleep. I open my laptop, only to be greeted with terrible news about the world and concerned messages from months ago. I go on netflix, then youtube, reddit, just mindless entertainment. My brain is too exhausted to do anything that requires in-depth thought, let alone answer messages, and try to explain what has happened to me. How can I explain something that I don’t understand? I open spotify and listen to my playlist. The first song that comes on is “Bulletproof...I wish I was.” *Limb by limb and tooth by tooth, Tearing up inside of me, Every day every hour, I wish that I was bulletproof.* 

I feel the warm tears stream down my cheeks. I don’t wipe them away, I just let them fall. It is  so comforting. Crying is one of the only things that reminds me.. I’m still real, still here. I feel my pillow getting damp, but it doesn’t bother me. I let myself sob, my breath becoming ragged. I accept  it now, this deep pain. It hurts. I feel it in my chest, weighing me down. My arms curve around my chest, sheltering me. I only have myself. I lay there like this for hours, and drift into sleep. I wake again at 3am. I get up, go to the bathroom, splash cold water over my tired face. I swing my bag over my shoulder, and open my door. The hallway in the apartment buildings are still lit, and my eyes ache from the harsh light. I walk to the elevator, and step in. I travel down to the ground floor, trying to keep track of my panicked breaths. I get to the lobby, and see a security guard standing there. Another person, in front of me. I freeze, unable to say or do anything. He asks if I’m okay. I inhale and exhale slowly, reminding myself that he isn’t going to hurt me, or think awful things about me. I nod and walk swiftly out of the door. The cold night air enters my lungs and stings my throat. I laugh, filled with relief. I’m doing it, I’m here and this is happening. I run up the street, feeling the wind hit my face and weave its way through my hair. Tears of joy slip down my cheeks and over my lips. I’m not weak. I’m still alive.