I am such a screw up in my life. And I don't know why i am such a screw up, but it's not only my own life that I am actively ruining, it is also my family's life. I feel bad, because not only am I making things worse for my life, I am also destroying everything my family has done... for me. I have betrayed them in some of the worst ways, I have lied to them concerning huge things, and I am destroying every investment they have made for me. I am a horrible person, and even if u take that statement lightly, once u get to know me, you would feel strange just sitting next to me. I don't know if I am depressed, but I've been feeling hopeless recently, as well as have had no passion or drive or focus. I can never finish an assignment, even though I was previously always a studious person.

I am a strange, evil person, and I feel already condemned to hell. I wish killing yourself was acceptable in Islam, because that's all I want to do. But it isn't, and I do believe in my religion. But  I want to overdose on a bottle of motrin and die of stomach bleeding or maybe buy a gun and shoot myself in the head. My mother has suffered from so much in her life, and I do her wrong in the worst way. I am a horrible selfish son, and she doesn't even know the extent of my evilness. I feel no passion in this world I am living in, for the past year I have felt paralyzed by my ineptitude to even take action in my life. 

The previous year, I robbed my mother of thousands of dollars by intentionally failing all of my classes, and I will probably do the same thing by the end of this week. I can't bring myself to do anything for me, I am too far gone, and that class situation isn't even the worst thing I have done. I just want to get on with my life, why can't I be like most other normal people who are good at heart and are responsible and don't get caught in fucking evil stuff like me. Who can at least be motivated enough to work on their studies. I have always been someone who was able to work hard, which got me to a great school, but now my life is slowly crumbling. I hate this so much. I detest my own presence, I can't bring myself to look at myself in the mirror figuratively and literally. 

I feel paralyzed in so many different ways. But evil is what I continue to do. It was said that if u can't help anyone out, then the least u can do is not commit mischief, but I have done that as well. I don't think I will find a way out, I just want to escape this world, I want to melt away from my inaction and indifference and my lack of passion. I have nothing left to give, but I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, there is too much disappointment from others concerning me, I don't want to do anymore. I feel cursed because of previous sins, and i feel that unless I come clean, which I can never do, save I destroy my image for eternity, I will be cursed my entire life.