Most days I don't have any desire to live. No desire to die. No desire to exist. No desire to do anything. And the lack of desire bothers me. I judge myself thinking I need to desire something. Life is very empty. Only moving to eat and go to the bathroom. It's something I've been noticing for the past several years and it sucks but at the same time it's like what can I do but hope for things to blow over.

I'm able to plan ahead of time and do things but when I don't have plans which is 95% of the time I'm really hard pressed and it's beyond a struggle to think of anything I can get any joy of or what could motivate me to get out of bed. And even the plans I do make those experiences are mostly dulled and I've been going through the motions with those.

It's like I'm just waiting for my turn to die. I'm 33 been dealing with depression and other co-morbid issues chronically since I was about 7. I've felt shades of hopelessness since I was 12. I dissociate a lot. Struggle with depersonalization. There's a lot of abuse and neglect in my history. I've fought through a lot. I'm able to function at work but outside of that I'm not really functional at all. I feel a bunch of frustration and shame about it all..... Because none of this is a simple fix..... I'm in therapy. My new therapist recognizes the complexity of the situation and is trying to work with me
 I take my meds everyday.....

....But it all seems in the name of going through the motions of life and surviving. No desire there to do anything but autonomously survive and protect myself from harm.

It's all just very empty, bleak and lonely though.