Hi all. New to this sub and also new to BPD, and just want to say thank you in advance for any insights you might have. 

So, I posted about my poly boyfriend recently in poly reddit, and as soon as I did, some of the folks there said - “his behavior sounds a lot like BPD.” I started doing some reading about BPD online, and it was like a huge lightbulb switched on: his sudden triggers, black &amp; white thinking, adoring me then looking at me like an enemy, his suspicions about my motivations...all of it suddenly seemed to make sense.

Honestly, what I’ve been reading over the past few days scares the shit out of me. He doesn’t display all of the characteristics - he doesn’t self-harm (nor does he threaten that), he isn’t afraid to be alone, he isn’t impulsive, he works and earns a living, and honestly he has lots of friends. But he DOES get triggered by me, all of the time. And I’m sick of it.

I feel very much for what he’s going through. But at the same time, I have a child, an existing primary relationship, a career, art — I’m not willing to sacrifice those to become his emotional caretaker, which it seems like many BPD folk need. I feel like that sounds very cold, but it is the truth. I do not have the time or emotional resources to be his sole rock, and more than anything my daughter needs to know and feel my presence and attention.

Now — while I don’t think he’s been officially diagnosed yet as having BPD, he does have childhood trauma, and he himself said a few months ago that he was tired of not being able to have deep, steady relationships. (I am his longest girlfriend by far). He was tired of having high conflict connections. So, he found himself a weekly therapist, a DBT group, a CBT group, and more recently got on anti-depressants. Even more recently, he started attending a weekly meditation group. This journey began at the beginning of 2019.

So that’s all great. AND! When he’s not triggered, we have the best, best time together. Awesome chemistry, we love doing physical stuff (walks, rock climbing, etc) together, we geek out over books and writing...he’s such a sweetheart, and genuinely kind to my husband (primary relationship) and daughter. I see that he is intelligent and attractive, with the capacity to be very big-hearted. He’s analytical, yet creative and artistic. Just a really special person, I’ve always found him dreamy.

I used to think I was helping by offering hours to talk him through his feelings (largely feelings about our relationship or something that I said or did) - but now, I feel like that may have just been enabling the extreme behavior &amp; reactions that came before. I’m also concerned that because I AM his trigger, he might legitimately not be able to heal with me around. 

We’ve broken up / made up before. But his last “split” was a wake up call to me. He wasn’t violent, didn’t even yell. But it was enough to make me visit my therapist. I’ve got a follow up appt with her next week.

So here I am. Here is this wonderful person with a terrible disorder he didn’t ask for, &amp; I care for him a lot. But I’m not willing to be an emotional punching bag. Do I cut my losses? I want him to heal, both for selfish reasons (so that he can be a steady, healthy boyfriend), and also for other reasons: this disorder seems very deep, and seems excruciatingly painful. I see him suffering, and it just kills me - I’ve wished several times that I had a magic wand that could take his pain away.

OR do I talk to him, explain that I love him and would even go to therapy with him, but will no longer tolerate x,y,z? (Namely: that I won’t be told that I’m a liar, I won’t be accused of not caring about him, I won’t be yelled at?) Is that real, actual love, or just serious entitlement and misunderstanding on my part??

I hope this post didn’t come off as insensitive, I’m new to dating someone with BPD and want to be as straightforward as possible. I really, really appreciate your insights and figure you all are more clear-eyed than I am about these kinds of things.