I actually feel like a weird, large child, not a 31 woman. 

I wear *myself* out. *I'm* sick to death of me and my stupid bullshit. The crap that affects me is stuff you'd expect maybe a 15 year old girl to struggle with. I've been on this planet for 31 years and I just fucking suck at being a reasonable, balanced person. I'm not stupid, but I feel like I haven't learned jack shit, I just repeat the same ridiculous, toxic, pathetic behavior all the same. Why the fuck can't I learn that OMG maybe I should SHUT UP if I feel an intense emotion and wait to cool down? NOPE. It's like I get so hungry for validation but who the fuck wants to validate my crap?

I just can't seem to control myself at all. I never used to be like this. I used to have control over myself, but since when I hit around 29 it's gone out of the window. My bf thinks it's since it's hit me that my past has been so fucked up and I just lived in this state of denial / cognitive dissonance but now I'm dealing with anger about how my life has been / how people in my past treated me / shit I've been through. 

How my boyfriend deals with my outbursts, I have ***no*** idea. My only explanation is that he either IS as patient as he says he is, or somewhere along the line my shit killed his soul and he's just taking things with me a day at a time at this point... 

I've suggested us breaking up but he's gotten incredibly upset and made it clear that he absolutely does NOT want that, that he even believes I can get better. 