It should be easy to be able to do it, after years of thinking about it every day, and "training" for 10 years.

I don’t know if it’s survival instinct, hope, or the fact that I have no guts to actually do it. 

But it’s the only way to finally make it stop.

I’ve looked for help. I tried to talk to a psychiatrist, but what I want to say gets stuck in my throat and I can't tell them what I did.

I've been taking happy pills for years, they've helped with anxiety but I still cry myself to sleep like I did before. 

My friends don’t help either. 

When I have the chance to hang out with them I feel good, but it never lasts more than a few hours. They mean a lot to me, but to them I’m just the friend you hang out with when the real, important ones are not available. If I stopped reaching out to them for a few weeks they’ll probably forget that I exist. It’s painful to be unwanted. 

Everywhere I go, I see people my age having fun with each other, having relationships, making memories together. I know that they have problems too, maybe they are depressed, but at least they have friends, partners. They are somebody’s favorite person.

I’m the third wheel in my family too. My siblings are happily married, and I feel joy when I see them being happy with their partner. But it hurts. 

I’m tired of people saying “It’s just a dark cloud passing through ! It will get better !” 

Fuck off. This thing is eating me from inside, and I can remember 11yo me trying to open my arms with my dad’s razor blade, crying because I realized that I was not strong enough to keep going, and the earlier I would end it, the better it would be. 

Eight years later, my thoughts are just confirming themselves. It only gets worse. I have failed everything. I want to get rid of the little bit of hope I still have. I just want the way out. 