I know Im probably just another voice in the crowd here, and Im definitely not amongst those in the most need. I really don't know why Im posting this, Im not looking for solutions or comfort or attention. Maybe Im just writing this out for myself.

On paper Im great. Im socially successful. Ive got a wide circle of good and reliable friends. I have no problem going out, meeting new people, making friends. Im romantically successful too. Ive had three long term girlfriends and probably a dozen shorter flings. Im academically successful, I just graduated from college a semester early and can honestly say I had the intellectual respect of my peers and several of my professors. Im financially stable, my college loans are all but paid off and I can have a career as soon as I commit to it. Im healthy, decently attractive, and successful by most metrics.

But.
Despite all that, Im profoundly depressed, and have been since at least I was fourteen (8-9 years). Its the kind of melancholy without a source or reason. The worst of it is that I am completely functional, and I don't think even my closest friends can pick up on how Im really feeling. I have no drive, no ambition. I pretty much just floated through high school and college, achieving what I have essentially on auto pilot mode, and getting no pride or fulfillment from it. When I interact with my friends, which I do every day, I feel like Im standing behind a muffling plexy glass, not really there. I have a tendency to shrink away and just sit quietly after a while as my friends continue having a good time. My most recent relationship was utterly devoid of passion. I dont think I even liked my ex, let alone love her, yet I spent two and a half years with her. And thats how Ive felt with the dozen or so girls Ive been with this past year, not really interested in them, not really attracted to them, not feeling any spark or love to speak of, even if they'd fallen for me. Sounds like a dream for the incels on this app but its fucking hell, and makes me feel like a monster every time I try only to break some poor girls heart. I did love my second girlfriend, I really truly did, and the love was reciprocated. That was really the last extended period of time I can say I was genuinely happy and hopeful. I think I still love her honestly, almost four years later. The only strong emotions I feel, good and bad, come when I think of her. 

Besides that, I feel so hollow. I dont know what keeps me going, I think after years of autopilot I just keep going whether I want to or not. I dont really see things improving, or getting worse. Ill get a career, work passionlessly in it for thirty-forty years, maybe get married to someone I won't love, and eventually die with everyone thinking I lived a successful and fulfilling life. Or maybe Ill lose everything, and wish I had appreciated my current standing in life. I honestly think Id prefer the later, at least then the outside would reflect the inside