**I AM NOT ASKING FOR A DIAGNOSIS, JUST IF THIS SOUNDS SIMILAR AND IF I SHOULD BRING THIS UP IN THERAPY** 

I have always really struggled with mental illness, especially with anxiety and depression. I’ve never been allowed to go to therapy, but it’s blatantly obvious I have at least some form of these conditions, especially the anxiety (I’ve spoken to many people with these conditions as well as counselors, doctors, etc. I am not diagnosing myself, just showing the signs/tendencies). Throughout the years, I’ve started to unpack my trauma from early childhood-adolescence and I realize a lot of my actions, feelings, etc., are very extreme. I thought I might of had minor borderline tendencies but could never be completely diagnosed, because I only heard about the one form of BPD most people know. 

I have a lot of anger, but I taught myself to cry and hurt myself whenever I had issues. Once in a while I’d lash out or get angry at others, but it was/is VERY rare. But that dreaded guilt, that gut feeling of absolute dread from possibly hurting someone I love, even with my tears, is always prevalent. I blame myself for every issue, and I have a tendency to find issues with my life every day. I get mad at myself for it, and end up hurting myself on some level physically, financially, mentally, socially, etc. 

My anger over the past few months has gotten a bit out of hand. Playing video games competitively with my partner made me almost violently angry (not at them! Just at myself). I lashed out and got frustrated. Then after I felt horrific guilt and cried and apologized over and over again. My partner has been very accepting and realizes that I am going through a lot of stress (lots of family issues going on at the moment), and forgave me for my actions. But I still don’t feel comfortable with how I acted, and I don’t think I should ever feel comfortable with that. 

I also empathize to almost an unhealthy degree, and feel horrific guilt if I’m not perfect as a friend, lover, student, whatever you can label yourself as. I feel so much pain every day and it is overwhelming and exhausting. I think about every single action I ever do to an insane degree, and become furious when people don’t think about me on even a remotely similar level. I remember every year when someone doesn’t say happy birthday to me, or when my friends go out without me. It used to be so chronic that I’d count how many times and then blow up later on them about it. But in between the time I see someone hurt me, and then later blow up on them months or years later, I’d pretty much hurt myself every day, furious at myself for feeling at all. My friend confronted me about how I’d confront our friend group for things they couldn’t control (i.e; me not being able to go to an event, then being late for some reason, etc) I have grown and  don’t do that now, but after being confronted about this, I convinced myself they hated me for years and isolated myself from the entire friend group, and talked shit and said nasty things without letting them explain anything. I’m friends with them now and have apologized for how I acted, but I do feel horrible guilt because of that.

I have read numerous articles online from Mayo Clinic, Healthline, so on, watched countless videos and asked thousands of questions to myself and others, but this is not the same as a diagnosis. I’m obviously not saying every detail of my feelings/actions here, but I want to know if I’m on the right path. I feel so lost and I just wanted to know if my examples and feelings are similar or resonate with people who have been diagnosed with BPD.