Hey guys before I get to it I’ll give you a little of my background,

 I am a 20 year old male who works part time as a personal trainer and attends College full time.
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with depression and put on lexapro
 -bad reaction couldn’t keep taking it

By this time I was about 280lb (210 now), had awful acne, and horrible self esteem. I had some close friends I still do now and little family support. My dad had an affair when I was 13, but my mom never divorced him.

In the next months my great aunt, great uncle, and worst of all my grandmother passed unexpectedly which still hurt me today
- I started therapy with my therapist “S”
-Doctors put me on Prozac

Started Dating at 17
-abusive relationship (hitting, screaming, sexual abuse) left me to be diagnosed with ptsd in 2019
-she cheated on me with my good friends brother

Immediately went into a better long term relationship until end of high school
-smoked a lot of weed
- started having moodswings later diagnosed with bipolar II
-Therapist “S” breaks hipa with me and gets fired
- serotonin syndrome from top high of a Zoloft dose had me try to kill my self for the first time
-I ended because I lost feelings after a year and a half and moved away
-she still loves me but has been a hoe since we broke up

Started College
- moved to new state with no friends
- first month sucked ass
- broke up with gf over phone
-depression depression depression
- meet new gf 

College life
-trying to cope with new situations 
- no real close friends
- new psychiatrist diagnosed me with GAD, MDD, and PTSD instead of bipolar II and ptsd
- I am currently on 300mg Wellbutrin XL, Clomipranine 25mg, and Klonopin 0.5mg daily
- I self hospitalized this January because I was so stressed and depressed I broke down
- Life does not feel meaningful, I felt like I’ve been through so much and that I’m just not where I want to be right now
- Obsessive thoughts run through my head every second thinking about my ptsd and my ego creating false situations that leave me shaking and scared
-I can’t love like I used to be able to, my girlfriend says I’m more detached, and that my depression is making her sad
-I’m really not sure what to do right now In life. I’m Smart and I have my life set up for success, but why am I living...I’ve faced death in the face. When I tried to kill myself...it makes me sick I was driving to therapy and just floored it and let go of the wheel. I had drifted into the left lane and when I opened my eyes I had ran a car off of the road. I would have killed both of us most likely...that fucks with me too. 
- I’m really just looking for someone to connect to I feel so alone in this battle for my life everyday