Just gonna post a list of the shit bothering me:

* Close friend on the verge of suicide and I am extremely worried for them and whilst I've talked many people out of it before I've used up my whole box of tricks on him and now I am just expecting his obituary in the news any day now.
* My friend group has split into two recently with a number of people taking sides other a tift between two people and only me and maybe one other friend feeling stuck in the middle.
* Feel like life and everything about it is ultimately pointless because of entropy leading to the inevitable destruction of everything.
* Want to be my true self and dress the way I want to but I am too scared to because of social pressure but if I don't I feel pressure from inside that I am less valid as a girl because of it.
* Being infertile I feel like less of a woman and I REALLY WANT A BABY.
* I am what you might call the Therapist/Mom friend and because of that everyone comes to me with their problems and to adjudicate their arguments and I have saved 7 people from commiting suicide but I feel like there is no one I can talk to because they are all going through their own shit and I am the one they go to, to unload their burdens so I shouldn't be a source of more burdens.
* I think I might have DID however I don't know and part of me thinks I am making it up but how can I make something up without knowing it.
* DID or not I have a dark side that is extremely sadistic and it terrifies me that if I let myself go too much that side will win and I will end up doing something unforgivable, I have many nightmares of me committing some atrocity and then coming to my sense after the fact and having to run from the police. 
* Feeling like a monster because of my sadistic desires.
* Still dealing with the rape and murder of my sister by my best friend (her husband).
* Still dealing with my own rapes at multiple ages by multiple people some family and some close friends.
* Still dealing with being molested many times by multiple people as a little girl.
* Still dealing with trauma from growing up in Ireland during the troubles and being homeless for the first few years of my life.
* Still dealing with the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse I went through as a kid from teachers, family, friends, classmates, and other random people.
* Feeling unloved and unlovable.
*  Feeling utterly alone in the universe.
* Because I am now in a more comfortable lifestyle compared to my childhood I feel guilty and like I don't deserve it and that I should denounce it and use every penny to help others however because of those early years of being homeless I also want to hoard as much of it as possible just in case something goes wrong.
* I have had to bury literally countless (I lost count around the 23 mark) people close to me and death now feels like a close friend/stalker who is out to kill or harm everyone I love just because they know it will hurt me.
* I live in a country where people actively demand and even seek out to murder and torture people like me just for existing.
* I feel like a waste of space who is good for nothing and just uses up resources that could be used on a more important and better person than me.
* Philosophical angst over the inherent meaninglessness of life.
* Philosophical angst over the unknowability of everything and it's implications on perception and existence.
* Philosophical angst over constantly trying to figure out the right and moral thing to do.
* Knowing that I am not allowed to kill myself and escape this nightmare because multiple people depend on me and have outright said they would kill themselves if I killed myself and even aside from that I can't stand causing pain to those I care about.
* Feeling like the welcome mat or worse the mud under the boot of the universe.
* Anxiety over knowing certain things that I am not allowed to repeat and the burden of the knowledge itself hurts let alone trying to not tell it to others.
* I feel cursed and that God hates me because of all of the above seriously I feel like an experiment to see how much suffering one person can experience before they crack.