Hi. The title says it all. Depressed, crying every day and I'm so tired of giving myself the confidence to live and then breaking down again for the millionth time. I am a disappointment to myself. I have been struggling with depression since a good friend of mine killed himself 10 years ago. From then on I was just a mess. 2 years after that, I overdosed on Xanax. I think I took almost 20 of them, I just kept taking them, I didn't care anymore. 
After that I went to a psychiatric institution for 4 weeks. Didn't help me at all. Then I just started to smoke a lot of weed which would easy the pain. Everyone thought I was doing better, but I was really not, just self-medicating. 
Then over the years I've had girlfriends that would try to help me, but in the end I would just ruin everything because I'm really just no fun to be around, I'm sad every day and it shows.
The weed helps but at the same time it makes it worse. Once I took a 2 month break, but beside that I haven't been sober for longer than 2 days for 6 years now. And I know you're thinking 'Oh jeez Louise why dont you just quit smoking weed?' Well, I'm scared if I stop smoking weed I might fall in a deeper pit where I can't come out of. The weed is what keeps me motivated to go to work, to go to the store etc. Usually I only eat when I smoke, because I can't eat much when I'm sober. I have days that my first meal is only at 10:00 PM. 
I don't have the courage anymore to go to anyone I know and tell them I feel depressed. Tired of losing friends who don't want you around because 'it brings them down'. I'm tired of hearing 'you have to get help' or the usual cliché blablabla. 
Sorry to ramble, just wanted to share, enjoy your evening/morning or whatever.