Hi guys, not looking for a diagnosis here but I am trying to understand differences between certain problems. I’m getting evaluated, but due to scheduling I can’t get an appointment until the beginning of January. 

For a time I did believe I had BPD, but I don’t relate to all symptoms such as obsessing over or idealizing others, I don’t split on people or lose friends over my symptoms. But I do deal with the paranoid thoughts, worrying about my bf not wanting me one day, asking if he still likes me every single day(although joking a bit), and I have very bad “episodes” where I lose control over my emotions, shut down, but also yell, cuss, say almost anything hurtful to get to the other person (always my bf), threaten to leave, then pack up all my stuff and actually do leave but only hoping he begs me to come back, then I throw a fit when he doesn’t come after me (this could even be me going to sleep on the couch and he doesn’t come to ask me to go back to bed 5 times), I get a rush of adrenaline and lose my shit basically acting crazy, saying things that don’t even make sense. Then I usually cry after and he soothes me. If I’m not soothed and given a hug then I stay upset until it subsides itself. These usually happen after being triggered by something in a romantic relationship. It’s usually when my bf snips at me a bit or his tone gets angry with me. But in the past it has happened with an ex, just last year because he went to a party and didn’t invite me. So I really don’t fully understand what triggers it in me. 

Recently this year, I’ve thought that I actually might have adhd instead. I deal with inattentiveness, forgetfulness, tuning out of conversations, not being able to watch a movie without going on my phone, not being able to be productive, and getting bored with jobs quickly. I struggled in college and have struggled in school since middle school. I’m now 27 and have difficulties finding a career now. I constantly change what I want to do because I can’t decide or think I will get bored eventually. I also came across RSD with adhd. This has a lot of similar symptoms to BPD episodes, so it’s very confusing to me. 

Also to add, when I was 20-25 I was off and on with my abusive ex boyfriend. I went through physical and emotional abuse during those years with him. Also dealt with him abandoning me quite frequently when he’d get upset at me. He’d leave me at the movies, a restaurant, concerts, shopping malls etc. and I’d have no way to get home (until Uber came along). 

I’ve also never met my own father, so that adds to underlying abandonment issues, which is why I’m not sure if BPD is the main cause or I just have adhd along with abandonment issues from my dad not wanting me and ptsd issues possibly from the abusive relationship. 

Any thoughts? I’m just looking for insight and what others think. I’ve done a lot of research on my own but articles and videos I’ve seen are very these are the symptoms and no real life examples. The examples are either exaggerated or I just can’t relate. For example, I don’t cry and believe my bf doesn’t love me anymore or will leave me. (It’s usually just me threatening to leave, but don’t really want to—just want to be shown that he doesn’t want me to leave. If that makes sense). 

Thank you for taking time to read this and I’ll try to answer any questions. 