I am 31 and have known I had bpd since I was 16 or 17, cant remember exactly. I spent the time from when I was 16 or 17 to about 28 thinking that if I just found the right man and the right job that I could be okay and have the energy to get through life. Even knowing I had bpd I never connected my problems in life to it. I always blamed other things. It took me til I was 29 to find a decent therapist. In some ways I feel like I've grown. Since talking to her I've gotten my ged and enrolled in college.  I fear I will fail out because my mind is ever changing and I have no energy to complete tasks. I hate meds and have only ever tolerated one which was seroquel and caused a 70 lb weight gain. Ive lost only 20 of that.  I hate myself on a daily basis. Ive been in a relationship for almost 4 years and I obsess constantly over my bfs exs and how much prettier they were. I struggle with body image alot as I had a child I gave up for adoption when I was 16. Since I was 16 ive had the body of a mother and I dont have kids. It feels very unfair and I always feel different from everyone and like I can never be good enough for anyone. I have covid right now and I honestly don't care if it kills me. I know that I will never be truly happy. I may learn how to fake it well enough but it won't ever be true. Uhg just venting.