Y’know how Snapchat compiles memories of the same date and it shows up as a neat little album you can flip through? Well, the one from today made me remember a memory I suppressed. On the 29th of August, 2018, I had the last serious suicide attempt that I actually followed through on. I tried to overdose on the antidepressants I was prescribed only the day before. 

It kind of shocked me bc I hadn't actually planned ahead for it as I have for every other previous attempt. I hadn't realized I impulsively tried to kill myself until seeing the snaps triggered the memories. 

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But I think what really impressed me, wasn't that no one was aware of what I was doing (I used to be so proud of how sneaky I was). I didn't tell anyone either or showed any signs that would give it away and my therapist also only found out a month later and even then I didn't directly tell her. You always had to pull information out of me. 

What impressed me, is that I can't relate to that person taking pride in "pulling off a failed suicide attempt with no one noticing" any longer. I've averted a suicide attempt this month that I WAS planning for. It was, quite surreal to me. Every other time, I wouldn't let anyone know and when I failed, if I could help it, I'd make sure they’d never find out. No one who's ever known me, friend or stranger, is aware of the amount and extent I've actually attempted suicide.

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The AM hours of the 2nd of August, I had to sleep alone after being with someone every single day and night that week. ( I was high for every person I was with and every place I went to, we love a good bender that leads to being awake for over 75 hours in a row). I was coming down from a high and panicked bc I couldn't be alone with myself so I took a tab of LSD. To have nice visuals while I popped my stash and drifted off to eternal sleep. The cool thing about psychedelics isn't just the visuals, it's that you really get confronted with whatever you're suppressing. 

I'd planned to see everyone and give them a fun time that week, then taking everything I'd been collecting (I had a big and very expensive stash) and hoping that whoever discovered the body wouldn't be too traumatized. (Fun fact! I live in a group home where there's always either hospitality workers or night guards present and they check up if you haven't shown your face in a while, bc they've actually found a dead body before).  

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Nothing is ever as easy as you plan it and things went wrong really quickly in my case. It was something as simple as not being able to stand anymore, because of severe exhaustion and a massive amount of blisters on the soles of my feet, that triggered a massive meltdown. Quickly after, I started tripping. Some people would say that was a bad trip and swear off psychedelics because they got swept up in trying to resist whatever they had to confront.

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The trick is to let everything happen and to always go with it. It WAS challenging of course, but it gave me exactly what I needed - plus crying while seeing crazy patterns and colours was quite comforting - Release of the immense amount of emotions and truths I was constantly suppressing and hiding from. I felt this urgent need to take action right at that moment, a real choice between life or death. If I'd resisted against this incredibly overwhelming feeling, I feel I would have died that night. 

Instead, I finally come to terms with the fact that I really was incapable of having a healthy relationship with drugs and that we needed to break up for good. I sobbed my heart out for 4 hours straight bc it hurt so fucking much to realize you haven't been sober for a single appointment, in fact, couldn't go out without being high anymore. I calmed down as much as I could, accepted that suicide just really isn’t an option and called my crisis line. 

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This was a HUGE step for me because I have never quite been able to let my emotions flow freely in the presence of someone else. I’ve never made a scene or spectacle of myself, quiet BPD gang, or even told someone I wasn’t okay WHEN I felt like that. My whole sitch is letting people know, and only when absolutely necessary, when I fixed whatever broke. But the sense of urgency let me know quite clearly; If you don't make this someone else problem too, you’ll keep ending up at the same place and eventually be dead.  If you don’t make a scene this time, you’ll be dead.  And that's not very constructive, is it?

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To make an incredibly long story shorter, everyone knows I'm a drug addict now. All my friends and family, everyone that matters and everyone who found out accidentally and told fucking everyone in the building bc they were there when I turned in my stash. Fucking group homes man.

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This is just the first step and I quickly realized it's not that easy to just go cold turkey on EVERYTHING. I've actually been doing better staying away from weed, that I've used on the daily for nearly 6 damn years than I have from hard drugs that only started out this year. Which is funny bc weed was the only thing regulating my emotions to keep it manageable. 

I’ve never felt this shitty in my fucking life and despite getting all the support I was never able to ask for, it doesn’t mean accepting it is easier all of a sudden. I’ve relapsed with self-harm yet again after being clean for 6 months and I keep having frequent outburst that's getting more difficult to not project on others. The manic days are coming and going at a pace I can’t keep up with and I guess my BPD really stopped being high-functioning and secretive, which is an enormous punch in the gut but also very necessary tbh. 

I have finally stopped masking and performing and now everything is out in the open. It's so out in the open that I literally can’t lie, hide or even really socially isolate anymore. Every time I try to I feel so overwhelmed by guilt I confess to more than I was asked for barely a few minutes later. For the first time, I feel the full weight of the consequences I kept putting off which was only making it harder for myself. 

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When a friend called, hung up then texted me instead that; she couldn’t sleep bc she was terrified that if I needed her and she wasn't there, that’d she’d wake up to a world I don't exist in anymore, I genuinely had no clue what to say. It's the first time I truly understood the extent of the effect I have on my environment because I really do matter to them if I want to believe it or not. Or when I relapsed not even 6 days in, both drugs and self-harm on the same day, and vented about it on the same anonymous sharing app I met this friend on, and he texted me asking if that was me bc he kept track of how long I’d been clean of self-harm. 

Their behaviour shows they're occupied  with my mental wellbeing outside of when they're talking to me and that concept was just so fucking weird to me. But also, really goddamn special too. I’m not the only person I’m hurting when I engage in self-destructive behaviour anymore so I need to stop acting like it too. 

So as much as sobriety really sucks ass, I’m going to keep trying, no matter how often I relapse or how ugly my behaviour gets. Because it WILL get easier someday and I honestly need to acknowledge how incredibly strong I am for deciding to quit hard drugs on my own and within a year of getting REALLY addicted right away. I need to remind myself to be really damn proud of myself for admitting I have a problem and taking that first step myself, not a lot of people are able to confront themselves like this. 

The next step is actually getting into rehab so I can minimize the chances of relapses bc I am in SO MUCH FUCKING DEBT.  8 months of doing a shit ton of drugs is all it takes to rack up 5k in debt :))

Anyways, thanks for reading my long story and ask yourself how you've made progress in the last two years? Are you letting yourself and others know and accepting praise? I think its incredibly important to stop being dismissive of your accomplishments, as small as they may seem, and instead be loud and fucking proud you got where you are!! 

I'll start: I need to stop calling myself mentally unstable all the time, I am stronger mentally than anyone will ever truly know!