this past month has been a roller-coaster, from making multiple friends to suddenly losing interest in everyone. i set myself up twice, and developed feelings for a specific person that told me they were there to hurt me, and yet, i'd become upset if i didn't receive a message from them, even for just a day or if they said something hurtful which was often - i still couldn't leave and i found myself obsessively talking about them to everyone, how they made me feel, crying when they didn't reply to me like they usually did - impulsively deleting all my social media only to download it all again after a few days, eating very little and not taking care of myself all because of this newly discovered crush on someone that i knew cared very little about me

.  they're no longer apart of my life anymore, but i am extremely embarrassed with myself, and i don't even want to be seen anywhere, i'm ashamed of how vulnerable i let myself be, i begged them to stay and despite them leaving and not because of me i still feel like i might've been the reason and every where  i go i feel like they're right there, and it hurts. everybody's always leaving, everybody, i don't even know what to do anymore. i've begged so many people to stay, even the ones that hurt me everyday and i don't even know why. i just want everyone to like me and to feel validated because if nobody does, then what's the point in anything really. 

&amp;#x200B;

i sound so stupid, but this is truly how my mind operates, if just a single person dislikes me then this must mean everybody else does too. it's always black or white, never anything in between, and i keep doing things i become regretful of later, and it's humiliating. i am humiliating, i just want to shut up and ask for an increase in my anti depressants so i can be numb, because everything hurts and i can't stop being paranoid and making stupid decisions. i am genuinely just so exhausted with myself, i need a break from myself - but i don't know if that's possible.