(TWs for past attempts and self harm)

I'm not the most social person. I really only have one friend. We got along really well, your classic gay/lesbian duo and neither of us were mentally healthy. I had attempted a few months before we met, and near the end of that year she attempted and I had to break into her house to find her and call an ambulance. It was really bad for a long time. We ended up having an awful series of fights and didn't talk for over a year, and we've reconnected and it's like old times. But she's gotten so much better. It's obviously not cured, but she's so put together. 

My partner and I had a lot of mental health issues in common. But his psychiatrist is actually weaning him off his meds, and believes that he might not need them. I was in the room when his GP did his most recent mental health check-in (needed for healthcare to cover therapy) and his answers weren't going above a 6/10. I was stunned. He's gotten so much better too. Not perfect, and he has a lot of bad days. 


I'm just... here. I've improved in some ways, but in others I'm the same guy still retreated to wanting to harm or thinking about dying when things get too difficult. I like to think I'm fairly resilient but when the stress gets too much I just collapse, or I have anxiety fits where I just can't settle and everything I say is a panicked screech like a damn bird, and they both worry about me but what can I do? I've held off on harming myself in the last few weeks but I want to today, when he goes in to work. 

I don't want to talk about it to either him or my friend, because there's really nothing to say. My partner never really worked out how to comfort me, and I don't want to burden my friend when we've only been talking again for a few months. I'm tired of feeling lonely, and like I'm the only one not worth fixing.