I hate how my brain works... I hate this whole shit. It's been several days since I am being frustrated, angry, irritated by everything and it shift to few hours of unstoppable crying. I cannot sleep, I'm tired..

I feel.. I KNOW I should be happy.. everyone is kind to me, I'm finally with my FP/GF after xmas hollidays, everything's going according my plans and I still feel like big bucket of frustration and sadness.

I'm trying to think differently, hold my moods under control how my psychiatrist told me, but I can't. It's so fucking hard. And the most painful thing on this is, I'm hurting people with my behaviour which I cannot control.

And if I'm trying harder to stay okay, it's even more painful when I fail, so I feel like I'm not worth of anything. My brain forcing me to think I'm not valid person and I should stop trying.. that I should push everyone away, so nobody will get hurt by me anymore.

I'm just so tired of this...