I do want to get professional help with my problems if it happens that there is actually something wrong and I’m not just insane. I just thought it would be helpful to have a starting place to go from when I begin researching mental illnesses. 

I’m in high school and Ive had diagnosed depression and anxiety.(got diagnosed 2 years ago)  The anxiety is still present however the depression seems to have gone away. 

The first more disturbing problem is the intrusive thoughts. I cant walk down the hallway without thinking of harming these random people I have no connection to. I have no desire to kill anyone it’s just that sometimes when I see someone, I see them with blood pouring out of their mouth and huge wounds on their arms and legs. These thoughts are very unwelcome and have been happening for a while even with my family and close friends who I cherish deeply. 

The other problem here is that whenever i like someone, I become obsessed with them. I remember this beginning around 3 years ago when I first liked someone but it became much more of a problem when I reconnected with an old friend during quarantine. We used to talk a lot but when that stopped, I found that I became obsessed with them. I never initiated conversations but would stare at their online status symbol and would harm myself if we didn’t talk for a a few days. I seriously considered suicide around that time as well saying things like “at lease they would think of me if I did” Now, I’m over them but only because someone else has taken their place. It’s someone in one of my classes. I only have one class with them but I went and figured out their entire schedule. Its not like I’m going to do anything with the information though. Keep in mind we’re not even friends and the only time I spoke to them was when we were in a group for an assignment. They don’t seem to have any friends because whenever I see them they’re alone and even though it’s awful, it makes me happy in a way. I set ridiculous conditions for myself as well like “I’m not going to do _____ until they speak to me again”  I am painfully aware of how awful I am and I often think to myself “what the fuck am I even doing” whenever I do something odd related to them. I cant get them out of my mind and I am very aware of how wrong and creepy this is. 

I do think that I’m just deranged and there probably are not mental conditions for what I am feeling.