It feels like manipulation. I keep telling myself that I wasn't actually going to go through with it last night, but I have been inching myself forward. I'm uncertain. I have this knowledge that won't go away. Is it manipulation to ask a coworker to hold my house key because the blades are still on the table and I don't want to go home? Is this manipulation? I want to believe that it's not, but it could be. The feeling is still there and won't go away. It has been there for a while.