Hi,

As a background, I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression. I’ve always had very intense relationships however most have lasted 2-2.5 years so they aren’t necessarily fleeting. But they’ve been the type where I meet them and fall in love quickly and ultimately when I am with a guy I tend to be sort of obsessed. Like if he doesn’t text back I will freak out, all of that.  Also typically there’s a lot of codependency intertwined too. 

I’m 25F now, and the past 1.5 years have been tumultuous for me. My last relationship ended in a very traumatic, emotionally and (almost) physically abusive relationship in beginning of 2019. say traumatic in all seriousness, not to over-use the word. It was a horrible time for me and I genuinely feel like I changed a lot from it, and not in a good way. I moved home, dropped out of grad school, and didn’t move my bed for 4 months. 

I’ve always struggled with friendships — I’m outgoing and friendly but prefer to be alone. Which I know in and of itself is not bad at all, introverts unite lol. I do love socializing when I am out doing it though and do have a bunch of girls and such from work who are good friends.

Recently I’ve struggled with catastrophic thinking and black and white thinking. It sucks because in the past I had clear goals and would go after them with no fear. I went to college far far away from home, studied a difficult topic and got amazing grades, loved school, and knew what I wanted to do. After the last breakup my goals completely vanished, I stopped going to church and associating myself with Christianity, and just changed.

It’s so hard because I felt like my identity was pretty solid for a while. I loved cooking, working out, being healthy,  had plans for grad school, and all of that. Now, I don’t feel like that person at all. I constantly worry about my future, I have this self talk of “everyone is going to abandon me so why get close to them” and I have chronic mood swings.

Is this typical of BPD? I am really trying to see if I need to go to a psychiatrist. I want to feel better and get this under control. I am not afraid of the stigma, I just need help.