Like those japanese restaurant companions that talk to you when you eat so you don’t have to be alone. Or those platonic cuddle/spooning partners.

I want to find somewhere where a girl I’d want to be my girlfriend will just pretend to be so I know how it feels for someone to actually care about you like that. I want to know what it feels like for people who have that. People who have that come to them..i envy so much. I want to At least experience being really wanted at all by someone in my life. How does it feel when someone calls you first just to REALLY talk instead of you trying to find someone who will talk to you about something real at all? I want to be video chatted with (text is impersonal and not human interaction) and smile and share and just get to feel that already. This is a fucking empty hole in me. It hurts. All the time. I don’t care if it’s just pretend.

I’m trying everything I can to have the real thing. Ive only had a small few and im in my mid thirties already. I’m doing my best but they’ve all been bad or short or fucking awful like the last one where I was used and manipulated to the point where it almost ended me because i couldnt think and let them do anything because i didnt want to return to being alone.

When I was just hitting my 20s i would go to the strip club just because it was the only place where i knew someone attractive would smile and talk to me for more than the two seconds it takes to say ‘welcome to starbucks’… I hated the awkward situation that put me in and by 25 I couldn’t ignore over the feeling those places are somehow wrong and i dont want to be that person treat women that way because i feel a person deserves more so i dont even have that now


I don’t want to be deflect and try to learn a coping skill
I don’t want to try something else.
I’ve been working and trying all over different things. 
I know its pathetic. 
All I want is to get to the point and try it even if its fake. 

I’m fine with pretending because its making me not fine failing

Writing this was hard.