I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. My family never gave me what I needed emotionally, I was yelled at for crying and expressing my feelings every time. My dad put me in a cold dark basement to "ground" me and when I tried to leave I was beaten. My older brother could have helped me but in his own words when I asked him why he didn't it was "every man for himself". He helped his friend sexually abuse me when I was 8 years old, which in his opinion was "harmless kid stuff" and I'm overreacting. Never been in a relationship because I'm terrified of being hurt like I have been. My mom is mentally ill and my dad is a narcissist abuser who doesn't ever take responsibility. 

I had hoped to move out by now (23F), but I haven't. Though that's normal in Indian families, I feel like a failure. I graduated college this year with a biology degree which is pretty much fucking useless. I wanted to pursue genetic counseling but its so competitive and I don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm not cut out for this world. I started therapy last year, and for some time I was hopeful. But depression won't let me go. To be honest I feel at home with depression. Feeling happy is foreign to me, none of my friends understand. But it's not like I have that many to begin with. I told myself I'd kill myself if I didn't leave this house by the end of last year, and I'm still here... so I failed at that too. I just wanted to share my thoughts where I wouldn't be judged for them. I'm just so fucking tired.