It just dawned upon me why I will be alone for the rest of my life... I can't trust. 

My last SO who I felt for like I've never felt for anyone before was never emotionally faithful to me and that made me horrified that he was gonna leave me for someone more interesting/fun/happy/just better on top of the general feeling that he was gonna just leave. He said he never would and that he loved me and we had a future together and he didnt want anyone else.

....he eventually fell out of love with me. I don't believe that love can happen and stay anymore. I feel like everything good is just a trap to get me to let down my guard down and hurt me even worse. After that relationship, I'm 100% sure that I am unlovable in a lasting romantic sense.

I'm on meds. They aren't working. I'm supposed to start therapy but I don't really have any faith that that is gonna do anything. Really the only reason why I haven't offed myself at this point is because I don't want to hurt my younger siblings and my father. But they are no real reason to live. I don't want to be that person that is by themselves in their 40s. 

I'm 25 and I'm from a Hispanic family on one side and a traditional black family on the other, so the questions of when I'm gonna settle down and start reproducing are already rolling in. I would want nothing more than to be in a loving relationship to start a family with... but that just isn't in the cards. I dunno where I was going with all this. I just wanted to get it out...