
I recently came across the term “pursuing and distancing” and realized my relationship has fallen into this dynamic the last few months, with myself (31F) being the pursuer while my avoidant boyfriend (36M) distanced himself to an extent he never has in our two year relationship. 

To try to get us out of this dynamic and hopefully save our relationship, I’ve stopped pursuing entirely the last week or so. My boyfriend has been texting constantly since and being a bit overwhelming and needy. 

Yesterday he finally tried to make plans to see me today. I happily said yes, then woke up early this morning with extreme and immediate anxiety about seeing him. To the point I was crying in bed at 6am just thinking about the fact I was supposed to go to his place in a few hours. All I’ve wanted to do for weeks was be around him, then when we finally reverse the roles I felt nothing but anguish and dread and like I couldn’t remember what being with him was even like. I haven’t seen him in a few weeks. 

I always try to trust my visceral gut reactions, but I’ve never felt anxiety about seeing my boyfriend. It’s always been a pleasurable thing. Is this a common reaction when the pursuer stops pursuing? Or is something else wrong?

tl;dr: I stopped pursuing my distancer boyfriend after weeks of his rejecting my attempts at connection, now he’s pursuing me and it’s causing me extreme anxiety. Is this normal?