A little over a month ago I was over at a friend's house and got to drinking pretty heavily over the night that I spent as his place. Every so often he would take the bottle away from me and temporarily and hide because he had the impression that I downing a full bottle of liquor at a dangerously fast pace. For whatever neurotic reason, the idea became supplanted in my head that he was trying to intentionally hide it away from me so he could spike the bottle with a finely powdered lead in order to cause me to ingest large amounts of a neurotoxic chemical to produce measurable brain damage. Surely this isn't likely whatsoever right? It's all I've been able to obsess and ruminate over for well over a month now. I could elaborate on a million different patterns and details and inform you of the interpersonal context between the both of us but then I feel like I'd be trying to create and extract a specific response out of people; these are the bare-bone and objective happenings of the night in mention. I've even seen a doctor about trying to get tested for possible acute lead exposure and hinted towards psychological deterioration on a quantifiable level(my intuition tells me that my saboteur had successfully managed to reduce my IQ by several points and inflict a speech impediment issue which involves a portmanteau synthesis between words in my inner dialogue). The way that it was explained to me from a team of professionals who discussed my case was that because I'm an adult, it's much harder for a single instance of lead exposure/ingestion to be absorbed or produce any perceptible effects or cross the blood-brain-barrier due to a lack of iron deficiency and binding capacity to red blood cells, ergo a test would not be necessary or productive in my case. However I can't shake the idea out of my mind, I can't dissolve it or even compartmentalize it as I navigate through the day. It's escalated to the point where it's infected every part of my conscious thinking and convinced me that I'm no longer capable of achieving any of the goals I've set for myself with my newfound profound disabilities that are only noticeable to me. Surely this is something so asinine, so comically absurd that the idea should be laughed at the point of its conception? Why can't I disentangle the idea from my head? It's put me into a state of complete inaction; I'm too paranoid to engage in any socially or mentally stimulating activity because I'm terrified that the sting of observing my cognitive deficits in real time will manifest and I won't be able to articulate myself to anyone or anything for the rest of my life. And the stuttering habit, I never had that issue before? Never have I ever possessed an affinity for transposing syllables or stating sentences in incorreclty disjointed sequence. I used to write quite frequently before this, and conversely I feel an all-consuming negation of my emotional affectivity and spontaneity; my thoughts aren't being organically generated and I feel as if I have to strain to think of anything lucid or insightful. Is it natural to feel like your thoughts have been utterly attenuated and obliterated with anxiety? Is it normal to feel as if time is accelerating itself faster than your consciousness can adapt to its progression? Is it natural to feel former parts of your identity and desires to become increasingly disfigured, obscured, and foreign to yourself? 

The aforementioned friend that I spoke of no longer talks to me, as we had a falling out with one another over a relationship that was rife with gaslighting(think of the breadcrumbing tactic some narcissists employ). Maybe that spurred the main causal effect for why I'm patternizing my memories in the way that I am. But pouring granulated lead into my liquor without me noticing or it producing any physiological effects? That's LAUGHABLE....right?