I found a person who was willing to do terrible things to me on purpose as an 'exorcist'. She became my favorite person and I thought I was in love; I probably did love her but it was not recipricated. She would toss me away at my advances but help me feel better afterwards kinda like aftercare. It turned into emotional manipulation sorta like stockholm syndrom but really she was fooling me because I was willing to be fooled. The thing is Ive been so numb to everything for years and have been waking up to the world and who I am going through the pain of my demons on purpose was what I needed to see my own self destruction. I went through literal hell chasing this girl. Like the 9 layers. The last one; treachery. After I split on her for like a month straight (one hell of a split) I came back and openned myself up to the obsession again. That was when she pretended to laugh and enjoy the moment and said one thing: "Dont believe everything you hear"

I took that idea and let it knock down every single pillar I found in me. I let it consume me all the way until I found the origin of my pain in treachery. Not a memory per se, but an unfiltered feeling of betrayal. That was when the shadowed face I was afraid to see revealed itself to me. It was like meeting the devil himself, if youve been there, youd know theres no denying what you saw. The shadowed veil lifted and I could see the devils face pain as day. My face; Me. I saw my own self laugh at my own pain and suffering and the more I suffered the more enjoyment the face expressed like a joker smile. That was my own shadow self I had discovered. 

From what I understand about emotional maturity is there are 2 shadow selves. A sad one, and a trickster. I have been living in the sad shadow for a long time. Sometimes we just want to be a sad masochist. I think masochism is a born coping mechanism to deal with the messed up stuff youve been through. 

The dead truth is that our minds have immense power and control that we can tap into. We willfully decide to go through self destruction even if its not on purpose its just that you dont realize what shadowed effect may come from it probably due to all the escaping. I think we all are looking for someone or something to help us find this origin and wake up to the real you. The person infront of the saddness and trickery. The only thing that is real is Now in this moment. Not that moment, this one. No the one over there, over here. Yes here, no not.. yes, maybe. lol got side tracked in the trickster. Dude is fun if you dont fight it. 

Memories arent real; the meaning is real to You. The future isnt real; its all a dream. Its all in your head. Our minds have predictive powers and imaginitive powers. Im now dreaming Im a person who is worth living in a world with saddness and foolishness. Accept your own mistakes and look past your shame to a higher feeling. Let go of the past. 

All of these issues will always be a part of me Im just getting better at dealing with it. 

My advice from all this is go Inward to yourself. Find your rock bottom inwardly, not outwardly. Personally I did both. Go deep. Follow the white rabbit.