I can’t take it anymore. 

I made a big mistake by listening to my parents and being a ✨good girl✨, going to an expensive private college I fucking hated and didn’t fit in at, then by going to law school because I never wanted the degree I got (I had no idea what I wanted to do really) because there was no way I’d be able to survive on only a bachelors degree with amount of student debt I had … from the school I never even wanted to be at in the first place. 

I’ve always had anxiety problems. It started after the nuns at my school used to berate me. I had panic attacks working alone at a tanning salon as a teen. I’d sit home and shake and cry. *I knew there was no fucking way I’d be able to be a lawyer*

Here I am 5 years out of law school, which I did really well in. But I never wanted this. I was told to do it, I had to make my parents happy. And I wracked up even more student debt. 

I fucking hate this profession. Everyone is a sociopath. There is no time to sit and breathe. I constantly have panic attacks in and out of the office. Tears well up multiple times a day. I do a very complex area that pays well. Even if I switched out to a less complex area, I’d still hate it. The stress and Monday morning quarterbacking will always be there, making me feel like less of a person. 

This profession is ruining me. I never wanted it. I have been saying I need to get out for years, but I am truly trapped. I have developed an eating disorder as a means to cope. I have lost 20 lbs in the last 3 months. I do not eat until dinner time. 

I am married now and have a child. I make more money. I’m the breadwinner. I cannot leave. Our loans together are astronomical. What hurts is if I vent on Reddit, people call me stupid and an idiot. You’re right, I am. I know I did this to myself. I deserve it. It’s my fault. I have to live with it. 

Thankfully with our pay now, we do just fine. But that means I can’t get out. I love my husband to death. He is an amazing husband and father. But he’s also an attorney and also under an extreme amount of stress and isn’t emotionally available to help me in these times of extreme anxiety. I NEED to get out. It’s worse than it’s ever been. On top of the stress and fear, now it’s sexual harassment from my boss. I can’t handle this anymore. I can’t. I feel like I’m physically choking. 

I NEED to get out. I’m breaking down. I think of ways of killing myself daily. I never will because my daughter needs me. I want to be with my daughter more. I see her an hour a day. I want to fucking die. 

There is literally no way out. We need my salary. I am a slave to student loans. I cannot lower my salary to take a less stressful job because then we can’t survive. My husband will not commit to finding a higher paying job but even so… I need to get out of this profession entirely. I can’t. 

I am on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. I want to die. I do not see any other way out. I was just trying to be a good kid and a good student. It’s not like I was some irresponsible spender and racked up CC debt. I was trying to be good. I didn’t know. I had no guidance. I didn’t know. 

And now I can’t get out. I am stuck here forever. There are truly no options. I don’t know what to do. There is nothing left to do. If I don’t kill myself, I’m going to die of a heart attack. 

I just want to be with my fucking daughter after work and not sobbing thanks to panic. I want to get out. But I can’t. I don’t know what to do. There is no help. 

I can’t do this anymore.