I've been through a lot of ups and downs these past few years (or, y'know, my whole life, but whatever). I'm starting to just go numb.

And I've kinda gotten this way before but it's starting to feel like I can't shake it off. I failed to kill myself a lot and now it's not that I want to die, I just don't... see a future.

I haven't had a job in years, and I just... can't. Whenever I think about working, I just think, 'Why bother? Why work for a life I don't want?' Not to mention the plethora of things where I would literally rather go back to trying to hang myself than try to deal with to get a job...

I have so much shit in my head I can't even begin to know what to do with therapy, and if I get any more of this same condescending 'you just have to work through it' bullshit, I'm going to put my fist through a wall... Again...

I'm in a relationship, kinda, but I can't feel driven to make it work, not since I lost the girl I thought I'd finally make a life with. After I messed things up with her, I just kinda went numb, and that was a year ago. I can't make myself feel that excited, romantic feeling anymore...

And God, I'm so exhausted by it all anyway. My relationship is long distance, and... As most of mine have been for a long time, and... I just want to kiss someone, touch someone... But God that's such an ordeal to try to meet someone...

I just... Feel numb, and I hate it. I hate the idea that I'll have to break up with the girl I'm with now because I love her and I don't want to hurt her, but I just some know if I can feel the way she deserves someone to feel. I hate that I don't know if it's her or if it's that I just can't make myself really feel that way anymore...

And in the end, my life is just drifting in this unsustainable void. I just want to feel something and I want to not have to worry about my future... I just want the empty feeling to be over.