Obligatory introduction: I'm an 19 years old enby with severe anxiety and a possible ADHD or depression, I still have no way of getting diagnosed due to my parents not being supportive of therapy and not taking my problems seriously.

I have been severely bullied since early childhood and I still am a victim of abuse to the hands of my brother, and I think that these two things are what stemmed my violent intrusive thoughts, due to the repressed anger I have been keeping for all my life.

Since I was a child I got angry too easily, and I got violent intrusive thoughts that manifested in aggressions towards my peers, the environment around me and myself.

A streak of episodes I remember particularly and still haunts me is how I constantly choked and tried to physically hurt my childhood best friend. To this day I still remember the power rush I felt when I hurt her, the feeling of control and power knowing that I could snap her neck or choke her until she died, even though I always stopped before actually hurting her.

I don't remember any time where violence and rage haven't been in my thoughts: I instantly thought about killing people who wronged or hurt me, be it the children who bullied me, my brother, my parents or my teachers. Whenever I think about them I still feel a rush of anger and the urge to hurt those people in any way, and to kill them. I held my brother at knifepoint once when he tried beating me and I legitimately thought that I was going to slit his throat, and for the next days I kept thinking how I would have felt to do it.

To this day I try and "mitigate" these thoughts by playing videogames and painting or walking, but sometimes the anger gets so hot and burning that I end up hurting myself or breaking things, feeling like I just HAVE to hurt someone or something to feel better, and most of the times that someone is me because I know I can't hurt people because it's wrong.

These thoughts have become so engrained in my brain and personality that I only noticed that something was wrong with them after I watched a bunch of true crime videos and recognized some of my behaviors in murderers and criminals, and now I'm scared that I might one day lose control to my thoughts and actually hurt someone other than myself, and what scares me the most is that I will probably do it because I can't seem to control my anger and violent thoughts in any occasion.

I just know that something is wrong with me and I feel terrified of whatever it could be.