I just went through what I assume was a break up the other night due to my emotionality.  I'm a 31 year old woman and I feel like all my relationships follow the same pattern of me being too emotionally draining. Men always get exhausted and stop caring, and I don't blame them for it. It is exhausting for me, too. I end up sobbing incoherently on floors about once a week or every other week. At first partners will be worried for me, and then they become desensitized. The worst is when they begin to judge my emotions as insincere or manipulative just due to the frequency of them, when I'm in the midst of not being able to form a rational thought. 

The other night I went to his house after a long day and I was incredibly exhausted. We were spending time together and it was nice, and when he went up to the bathroom, I checked my phone. My best friend had been trying to reach me for a little while, and I didn't want to take away from my time with him so I didn't want to respond. He encouraged me to because she's always there for me. He quickly became tired with my being on the phone and not spending time with him. Somehow I started to get angry or frustrated or outraged or something because I felt like he was criticizing me for being on the phone when he suggested that I do it. He immediately said he wouldn't engage with me, and I felt really stricken, like I wasn't allowed to feel what I was feeling. I started packing up to go but I really didn't want to - I was really tired. Somehow trajectory led me out the door. I tried to stay calm, and I went to get gas because I was completely out and wouldn't make it home. The gas pump was shut off. This is when I began to really break down. I called him asking for advice on where to get gas, which was probably not effective communication. I probably should have looked it up. I wanted badly to come back to his house and sleep on his couch and deal with the situation in the morning. I think this wasn't unreasonable, given our history and what I could expect previously from him. He told me to go home. I don't remember the sequence of events from here, but at various times I was crying, I drove back to his house to try to sleep in my car, in his driveway, I went up to his door but was afraid to knock on it, he saw me out there and got even angrier, I just drove around blindly within a mile radius, sobbing and feeling trapped like I had no where to go. Then I fell into the bad pattern I have of calling him repeatedly. He told me to stop and go home, and that if I called again he would block me. There was something in me totally desperate that felt like I couldn't go home. But eventually, of course, I did. 

We were together for 5 months. I know something shifted for him. I know too many times I have been emotional and he has had to care for me and he's sick of it. He started calling me manipulative and that he wouldn't "play my game" and I told him I loved him and it wasn't a game and I was scared and didn't know where to go or what to do. Sobbing. I think I won't hear from him again. We used to talk every day, throughout the day. I don't really know how to get through this. 

What makes it so hard is that I really don't see a way out. I feel that I am objectively unbearable and shouldn't be in a relationship. This makes me incredibly sad. I love people so deeply and I fuck up so badly. I'm really really trying. I've been practicing DBT and I think I'm making some progress, but it feels really hopeless. I feel like I will never have a relationship, and I'm doomed to this pattern of everyone deciding I'm too much and they don't want to deal with me after a few months. I'm so draining. I don't want to be. I don't know what to do. It just makes me so sad to feel unlovable. I'm really lonely.