I went to the beach today with some friends. Well, I thought they were friends; most of them at least. We chilled, played some volleyball and did random beach things. It was the volleyball when one of my friends noticed it. 

On the drive home he told me not to let them pick on me, and to not hang out with these guys if they don’t appreciate you for who you are. Mind you, I’m the one driving so that shit hit me like a ton of bricks. Why? Everyone treats me the same. Come on why didn’t you move faster (I was not the only one on the team to have moved “slow”), why are you so stupid, you’re such a waste, etc. 

I hear this from friends, family, and worst of all myself. Every damn day. For years this has been happening. I am 20 years old and ,fuck, I’m still being bullied like I was on the playground when I was 6 in school. I remember Vividly this kid, threw me to the ground and chokes me. The teacher comes up and asks if I’m okay. 

Ask me that now? He’s probably dead or frail and old by now. I want him to ask me that exact question. 

To add to the shit, my mother just told me my father is about to blow up again. He does this every few months or so, but it still hurts the same. Again, because it’s true. I’m a religious Jew but I don’t go to prayer in the morning. So that’s why I have to pay for my semester in college. Only if I start going to synagogue will I actually be treated like a human being. I wake up early enough to go but I just don’t feel the connection at all.

I have started recently tidying my room and even reorganizing some stuff. That took so much energy out of me. Nope. Still doing the wrong things at the wrong time. I mean, christ, who are you to tell me when to do things and how to do them? 

You have no fucking clue what even goes on in my head. Every night before I go to sleep all I see is death. Someone I know being utterly destroyed somehow. So many dark thoughts, all of them negative. 

Do you know what kind of a toll that takes on a person? 

I’m an average guy. Literally the same as any normal person out there with respect. Well, I’m like everyone else I guess without the respect. No one gives a shit about me, and deep down nor do I. 

No matter how many times I tell someone how I feel they either say just suck it up or turn me into the therapist. 

I’m the therapist friend.  I’m the abused friend. I’m the distraught friend.

If you really fucking value me as a friend and a member of this family maybe shut the fuck up once in awhile and listen. I’m almost so ready to end it. And worst of all, I can’t cry for help.  

If you’ve read till here I guess thanks. You probably wasted your time. 

Have a good night.