 Hello Reddit. I am new here, logged in to this unused old account just to write this post but maybe I'll stick around. I wanted to get some stuff out of my chest and tried writing on a paper but it didn't feel very good so maybe it's better to do it on an open platform where I don't have any ties to people I know. I don't even know where to begin or end but I'll try my best. I guess I need to give some backstory for context.  


 I am a 25 y/o male and I genuinely hate myself. It wasn't like this before. I always was an introvert and a bit of a pessimist in life but up until about 2 years ago, I was living a fairly stable and promising life. During my high school and college years I've had many great and terrifying adventures, had good and bad relationships, formed and lost friendships, got in very good shape, had dreams and all that good stuff. I was very irresponsible and impulsive (still am) but things always seemed to work out in the end. I grew up a little above middle class so I was for the most part able to live a stable and smooth sailing childhood. Throughout college I lived in my father's house in the city where he would only come visit during holidays so I lived alone/with my then girlfriend for 4 years. I couldn't graduate in time because of laziness and irresponsibility and my father was gonna tell me to move out but he gave me another year to graduate and I failed again, so I gave him the keys and moved back to my mother's. This was the year when the pandemic started. The first 3-4 months were great because I loved being home (still lived alone then) and doing introvert stuff. After a while I got even lazier, stopped working out altogether, seperated with my girlfriend in the meantime and started living like a hermit. Gained some weight, played video games all day and eventually moved back to my mother's like I said. During that time I also finally graduated by finishing the leftover courses online. That was the turning point of my life and beginning of self loathing.  


 I wasn't a fine arts student anymore, just an unemployed guy who lost access to his endless supply of social interactions with people my age even when I didn't feel like it. I had to do something to get attention from other people for the first time in my life, something I have never learned up to this point. In time I've lost the little social skill and charm I had, became more awkward around people and overthinked my social interactions to the point of absurdity. I always loved smoking weed but this time I doubled down on it, trying to run away from the negative thoughts. I also started using perscribed antidepressants and they felt good for a while, but eventually I became numb to everything around me and even lost the ability to cry so I stopped taking them safely after a year. The pandemic was starting to end and people were returning to their old lives but not me. I was still a hermit living with his mom playing video games and smoking weed every day. I didn't wanna pursue art anymore due to lack of motivation and low potential of income but I was always very good at speaking english so I eventually got a job as a subtitle translator for some streaming platforms, made some relatively good money and started saving to eventually move out. Where I live is not economically stable right now so the housing/renting market is literally impossible to afford with even above minimum wage so I had to save money and be patient to do something about it. The work stopped coming after a few months because it's a freelance job and the pay is not stable, so you have to save money during the months you earn good to compensate for the ones you don't. Guess what I did? Spent all my saved money on weed and other impulse buys over the course of a single month. Always making up excuses for my terrible desicions along the way, leading to an eventual downfall of the fake happiness. Now I'm back to square one, all that money I made that finally made me feel like I was a responsible and functioning  member of society was gone, I had made no progress and was still the same loser I was before I started working. Only with more guilt this time.  


 This is not even the tip of the iceberg of the bad desicions I've made up to this point but I don't want to write a book and bore everyone who reads it to death so I think this is sufficient.  
Now I am still in the same situation, haven't had sex or formed a relationship with a woman in two years, lost the little self-esteem I had, never recovered from the pandemic and lost touch with the real world. Nothing excites me anymore because I know I will ruin every opportunity I get to improve my life as a loser who can't make a good desicion to save his life. This is honestly how I feel about myself. I know I've lived a privileged life compared to many more unfortunate people and have no right to feel this bad about problems that might seem like nothing to someone who had to face more hardships in life. But my mind is clouded and my hate for myself has blinded me to a point where I see no light at the end of the tunnel. All my close friends have stable lives, clear goals and healthy relationships and I get envious about the good things happening to people around me instead of feeling happy for them, so I act like I'm okay and nothing's wrong about me to not look like the loser that I am. I also hate my country almost as much as I hate myself for making me, a guy with a very fragile personality live life in hard mode. I can't even smile properly without THC in my blood. I'm not suicidal but sometimes the thought of not existing gives me peace. I've turned from "a promising student" to a bitter, hateful and lonely man who cries himself to sleep and dissapoints his parents who gave him everything he needs to succeed in life, in the span of two years.   


 To anyone who read this post up to this point, thank you. This was written to materialize my thoughts about myself channel all this negative energy to a single confined space. I've heard it's a healthy thing to do.