Some bad life stuff happened to me this year, alcoholic wife-to-be dumped me so there's 9 years ill-spent, and there's been no happiness or meaning in my life since February. I've been hitting my checklist of all of those good "depression inoculations": sleep schedule, vitamin D and sunlight, exercise, diet, reconnecting with friends, and seeing a psychologist. I feel like my dopamine and serotonin systems are tuned just fine, I just really do not have any meaning or happiness any more.

Before I met her, I figured I'd just always be fundamentally unhappy and discontent, and that was fine if it helped me succeed in my career. Then I met her and I was happy and content for 9 years. Now that that's torn away again, I truly don't have any existential reasons for doing anything any more. The only way that I get through the day is by not thinking too much about it. I have a list of goals that I've been working towards, but they're just words on paper. Last year, if you kept prying and asked "why" about each one of my goals, I would end with "to build a great life with &lt;ex&gt;". Now, they are just words on paper. I get out of bed each morning because I do. I do things that are good for me because I'm told that they're good. There's no meaningful or existentially satisfying "why".

If I imagine the absolute worst possible things happening to me--say anyone who's anything to me dies, I get fired from my job in a really humiliating way, and I get hit by a drunk driver and become disabled and in chronic pain--I don't think I'd emotionally feel much different than I do now. I just feel like I have really really solid arguments to be nihilistic well past the point of despair. I've had bouts of depression as a teen and in the past (I went on wellbutrin for a bit \~5 years ago), and this feels much different and much more dangerous.

More than "is this depression"... does anyone have any resources or books for this type of thinking or this type of depression? I'm trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, that just takes a while.

I dunno. Thanks for reading. I am trying to figure this out and writing things out helps a little bit. I feel like a complete psychopath, most of my day is spent playing a role. I'll just try to make a lot of cool things and make some money, and hopefully some bit of meaning will find its way into my life again.