I've never posted here, but I'm really going through it right now...

So a few days ago I lost it and cut myself up really bad. I feel like it has a lot to do with getting back on psych meds. It had been almost a year since any self harm. I want to tell my doctor I'm quitting the meds again, but EVERY TIME I do that when cutting has occured, they put me in the psych hospital for observation. I've been seeing the same clinic for 14 years (started at 18, 32 now), but I don't really have a choice since I have an SMI label (Arizona, USA). So the only way to avoid that is to basically ghost my clinic until they hunt me down, but I actually really want/need help, I just don't think meds are the way to go for me. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just a place to vent. Just kinda found this sub recently and thought this might be the place to get it out. I can't afford to get detained right now. I need to work and I have lost or pushed most of my friends away because I'm so dramatic.