To put the big issue simply, any time I'm upset about anything, he flips the script on me. A few months back, in the fall, we had plans to go to the pumpkin patch. I had been single for years and he knew how much I was looking forward to taking couple pictures (lame, I know, but I'm a hopeless romantic and I love the fall). The night before he's staying the night with family. He messages me the next day to tell me he's going to go out of town with his mom, and won't be home till late. No asking, no apology, no nothing. He forgot. (Yall also know how much canceling plans hurts)

I know he's forgetful. But, we've had this problem in the past (and still to this day) of him changing when he's coming home literally a couple of hours before he's supposed to be there. He's constantly changing plans to the point I KNOW he'll never come home when he says he will. I've asked him in the future if he could maybe ask? You know, "Did you have something you wanted to do? Did you have plans?" He just tells me "hey I'm staying" and leaves it at that. No wiggle room. So in this situation, if he had just done what I asked of him (and he agreed to, but still to this day has never once done it), I would've reminded him that we had plans to go to the pumpkin patch that day. But, he didn't. So I absolutely replied, "Kind of sucks since we had plans to go to the pumpkin patch today, but it's whatever I guess." Catty? ABSOLUTELY. I won't deny it one bit. My feelings were hurt. But, he could have told me he was coming home and apologized and we could have gone. 

Instead? He stayed a whole other night. His excuse? "You were already going to be upset with me, so might as well." THIS IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. He hurts my feelings and then always manages to flip it on me somehow. He either uses it as an excuse to hurt me more or, just simply blames me for being upset. Since then, he's thrown in my face "There's always some reason I need to come home!" So, okay. Now I don't plan anything with him for a good week or so after he's originally *supposed* to come home. He knows that this is a bigger problem to me because I have BPD, but all of my nonBPD friends have said that would absolutely hurt them too.

Right now he's out of the house for a while. I asked him if he could just send me sweet messages sometimes to make me feel better. Literally, just once every few days, if he'd just send me a sweet message that takes more than 30 seconds to type. I just need some reassurance. It's been a week and I haven't gotten one. I asked him and he said he hasn't sent me any because he can tell I've been sad so what's the point? Even though I thoroughly communicated before he left things that I needed from him (such as reassurance in messages) to help me get through a little better, he refuses to put in any effort and it's my fault that I'm bummed because I miss him. I literally told him that I'd be feeling better about things if he reassured me, but his excuse is that he can't reassure me because I'm sad???

These are just two instances of this. He makes his actions, or lack of, my fault somehow. I'm I just not getting it?

I'm at a point I can recognize my flaws in the relationship, but I also know that I shouldn't be having to do everything by myself. If I need something from my partner within reason, I should be able to ask for it. I know I have to clearly communicate it, rather than just expect him to just "know." But it just falls on deaf ears. I can ask and ask for these simple little changes, and sometimes he'll promise he'll do them but when the time comes, it's my fault somehow that he fell short. He's taken no interest in anything to make the relationship better. Any time I try to talk I get "I don't want to do this." If I don't talk, he can tell something's off and makes me feel crazy for being upset.

I'm just completely lost. He'll say "all I'm trying to do is please you" but will also admit to not doing these simple asks. He keeps saying that everything is my fault and I'm starting to think it is. I'll bring it up and then he flips it on me and then it's a fight and I feel fucking crazy, and he thinks it too. He doesn't make it subtle. He'll casually say "IDK if it's your borderline or what..." and like???? I'll be thinking "any of my friend's feelings would be hurt in this situation." Sometimes I'll even say that and he brushes it right off. Or "You're upset and I'm supposed to pretend it's my fault and say sorry? okay." ???????? I'm so fucking confused and I just need someone to tell me if I'm being fucking crazy and I'm too crazy to see it.

TLDR: my partner will do something that he knows upsets me, then blames me for being upset. I don't know if its the BPD or not.