hello i guess this is sort of an introduction. my name is Roman and i want to be more involved in the community but i have to admit that i have bipolar 1 with paranoid schizophrenia so this is going to be very difficult for me. i have decided to share my story because i have been struggling alone for my whole life. 

yes i have gone to therapy and i had a psychiatrist but it’s the not same. once you leave the office you’re alone again and the feelings are all back. so i am looking for a safe haven where we won’t be judged and can say “hey i’m having a really bad morning .. i’m stuck in a depression and i can’t get out” and maybe we can support each other even if it’s from across the world. sometimes all you need is someone to ground you and remind you that you aren’t alone. 

i have a difficult time with medication because the doctor i was seeing for years (since i didn’t have insurance and she worked with me) would only give me one antipsychotic and i did not like how i felt while on it also i felt that they weren’t working so i wasn’t taking them. i would really love to find a therapist and psychiatrist that can work with all of my diagnoses and together i hope to find the right combination of medication. because i believe i also have adhd but i haven’t been properly diagnosed for that  and maybe together even get to the root of my paranoia. (i’m terrified of being touched or to close to people)

since i have bipolar 1 i am very good at finding jobs and my personality gets me past the interview process and i usually get hired but because of the schizophrenia symptoms i would always quit because i’m convinced everything and everyone has a conspiracy against me. so i can’t keep a job but i still try! 

most of the time i’m in a mania high so i don’t eat or sleep for days and i start a million projects. (that i never finish) 
but when that low hits ITS SO LOW THAT ITS UNBEARABLE! i literally lock myself away in my room seal the windows so that so sunlight can get in and i cry for days and days. but then as quick as it came it’s gone (or so it seems i usually don’t have my phone and take out clocks) and just like that im back to the high. at one point in my life i believe i went in to the psych ward 4-5 times that one year. 

i’m saying all of this because i want you to understand the battle i have been fighting. i am fortunate enough to have my mom and dad who help me. they do not understand my disorder and they don’t pretend to which i appreciate. however they still try to. 

i feel like i have rambled enough for one post so here i am. take me as i am or don’t. it won’t affect me either way. 

i do want to say if anyone needs someone to talk to or just to cry to i am here and we will get through this together! sending all the love. ❤️