Hi

So my fiancé/FP and I have been fighting a lot recently. I feel like we always have ups and downs, but recently things have been lower than ever. 

I feel like we both do and say things at times that could be considered abusive and it breaks my heart that I feel entirely responsible for all of the animosity in our relationship. He used to be so patient and sweet and it feels like I’ve tainted that and made him bitter. 

I want so badly to be better and make him happy, but it feels like I am supposed to compromise everything and handle it all on my own. 

At some point, he started reading walking on eggshells and it was so refreshing and helpful. I genuinely felt like he cared so much because he was making an effort. Even if I knew his responses were completely “textbook” I also knew that meant he cared about our relationship enough to research how to help. 
But he stopped reading it at some point...
And the help stopped.

DBT always felt like going through the motions. I wanted to take it seriously, but life is so fucking busy and I feel like it would always fall to the back burner. 

I guess I’m just venting because I feel like a horrible person. I feel like he tells me that I don’t get along with people and rub people the wrong way. We have very different life views regarding that. He wants to make literally everyone happy and I feel like I cherish my close friendships with select people.  

I was on a manic high yesterday. I felt so fucking good about myself and then I crashed hard. I constantly feel so torn between loving who I am and hating myself. 

I just want to be happy and make my SO happy. 