 Yesterday was an important day for me, it may be silly, but, I presented an exam on the day that corresponded, and I did not take a supplementary exam, that meant a lot to me because it was a small victory that I can do the activities on the day that correspond to them, even, I thought it was funny the points that my teacher came up with. 

Lately, I have been living with my boyfriend, after arriving from the university to the apartment where we are staying, he asked me how was the exam and I mentioned that I thought it was fun, although I made mistakes that I realized when I handed in the exam, I felt satisfied. Then he went to his classes, I was alone in the house cleaning and organizing the kitchen because I wanted to rest a little from academic things, then I got hungry and went out to buy bread and cheese to make me some sandwiches, when I returned he had already arrived from his classes, I do not know, I expected a “thank you” because the house was clean, likewise in the morning I expected an assessment for the effort I made to present that exam. 

Anyway, I got ready to make the sandwiches while I watched a video of a kitten giving birth (it was very charming) and then he, I felt like a scolding, told me to hurry with a gesture of displeasure, that hurt me, I tried to hold back the tears, but they wanted to keep coming out, so I went to the bathroom for a moment while I calmed down, then, here my memories are a little blurry, I came out of the bathroom to finish making the sandwiches, then I sat down to eat them, and, I don't understand why I still wanted to keep crying, my boyfriend came over and asked me what was going on, he asked me to sit on the bed to talk, I, I didn't know how to explain how I felt, I wanted to avoid telling him something as silly as I expected congratulations or thanks or that I just wanted to rest for a moment from the academics, He explained to me that he did not scold me but that he knows that I have many things to do and that he does not want me to be desperate because I feel that time will not reach me, I burst into tears because I was unable to contain it, and he just left and told me to do what he knew I had pending to do, that hurt me a lot, so again I locked myself in the bathroom and told myself that I would give myself about 10 minutes, and then I would go out to do my pending activities, then he started to call me from the door asking me to go out and that made me feel scared, I just wanted to be safe in one place at one time, why couldn't I have him even if it was only for 10 minutes?, I didn't answer him, or I don't know, again I don't remember many things from yesterday, finally I went out and sat on my desk, and there it started, I couldn't breathe through my nose, but, that was because it was clogged from all the snot I was producing, I was trying to breathe through my mouth, but, between crying and breathing I was choking, and I was terrified that I would die at that moment, I didn't know what I was feeling at that moment, I didn't know, I don't know if it was a panic attack, I tried to see, hear, smell 5 things and so on, but, I didn't succeed because I kept telling myself not to raise my voice too much, my boyfriend came to me and told me that it was bad, to go to bed and hug him, I didn't want to, I didn't want him to be near, even so, in the end I gave in because I wanted someone to hug me, that's what I wanted when I burst into tears, and he just left, here I don't remember well the events, I kept crying, drowning in my snot, I was shaking a little, and then I had a giant desire to cut my legs (a few years ago I used to self-harm) I tried to scratch myself, and he held my arms and I just wanted to free myself, I grunted, I tried to bite him, so he would let me go, but he wouldn't, then I got tired, and I ended up falling asleep.

I want to understand myself, I would like to learn and move forward, taking small steps, someone could tell me, what happened to me, was it a panic attack? What was it, why?