This year has been pretty good for me considering I ended last year with failing all my classes. I took the Spring semester off to work on myself and get a job. Although I wasn't able to get a job (did get a few interviews though!), I've done a lot of self improvement and I feel the best I have in a long time. I'm on my meds again and going to therapy, recently got diagnosed with ADHD, and got readmitted to attend my university in the Fall. I still have depressive episodes, but they aren't as debilitating as they used to be, and usually I can pull myself out of one before it begins or at least do my best to follow my routines to help mitigate it.

One thing that I struggled with a lot when I was really depressed was perceived failure. If I felt like I messed up, I would agonize over it and I held on to that mixture of self-hatred and self-pity. I didn't really attempt to think about that mistake as a learning opportunity- like why I made that mistake and what I should do so that I'm better prepared the next time I'm in that situation. And I've gotten a lot better at that. Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go, but I'm able to forgive myself and move on sooner, and I feel like I'm making those mistakes less often.

I'm visiting my best friend, Sarah, (who also happens to be my ex) and helping them move out/in. We've had a pretty contentious relationship, and stressful situations (e.g. moving) definitely exacerbate that. We started off on the wrong foot which doesn't help, but I began to make mistake after mistake, each on their mostly inconsequential. But when they build up like that its frustrating. So when I realized I was frustrating Sarah, I had two choices. I could take a step back, think about why I'm making so many mistakes (I was really tired, I was already anxious about messing up, I wasn't properly managing my expectations), and adjust (get more sleep, talk to Sarah about being anxious, recognize that I can't do everything at 100% and that's okay). Or, I could focus on the mistake, and think about how bad it was and how much I'm upsetting Sarah. And just push through while pretending that something would change. 

I've made the second choice every time, I honestly don't think I even fully considered the first one. I let those feelings build up and build up until they'd violently leak and I'd lash out. Because that's not something you can just hold in and pretend that things will get better on their own. So I'm actively making the situation worse and we're in one of those cycles again. In those moments, I don't want to feel better. No amount of punishment is enough. I use Sarah's frustration and anger, perfectly valid emotions to feel in response to my behavior, as ammo against myself. I do villainize her, I stop listening to her praise or positivity and only focus on the frustration and negativity. Meanwhile, was I actually improving anything or making less mistakes? Of course not. All I was doing was dragging her down with me.

I'm ashamed for making Sarah feel the way I have. I'm ashamed that this part of me still exists, and more so that I did nothing to stop it. It's like every forward step I took was reversed and I turned back into who I was a year ago. I know I'll move on from this, that my progress hasn't been erased, I just can't help but feel shaken up. I just need to use what I've learned and apply it to this. As terrible as it was, I think I needed this experience (hopefully) one last time so that I could truly learn from it and really try to prevent it from happening again.