I started taking depression meds a few months ago, and it make my suicidal thoughts go away. It was somewhat amazing, i had such thoughts every day and now I barely think about it at all. Even when the stray suicidal thought pops up, it feels different, less scary.

My problem is that such thoughts would help me through the day, ironiclly. If I was getting stressed I wohld think about the end of all my problems. I even began to mutter 'I'm gonna kill myself' unddr my breathe and mask during work. This was insanely unhealthy, and where I am now is much better comparatively. But the thing that worsened these thoughts is still there.

I hate my job, I have no friends, I don't know how to open up to people, and I'm terrified about having to choose what my life will be. I want to go to college, study sociology, maybe creative writing as well, but when I go to take any sort of action, I'm terrified. It's illogical, I hate it.

I work at an Amazon facility, I stow packages, I pick up boxes, and I push carts. I've working there part-time for 3 years. It was, to me at least, pathetic. So i moved to a longer shift, a small bit of action, I hate working there, but I'm terrified of trying anything else. My new shift is 10 and a half hours long, with a 30 minute unpaid break, and two 15 minute paid breaks. Yesterday was my first day. After 3 hours I went to cry in the bathroom.

I drove to work 40 minutes ago, and soon began crying. It was ugly crying, I was shivering and whimpering, on my drive to work.I didn't use to do this, when I was depressed I was much more apathetic. I had my coping mechanism, but now I don't.

I'm not saying that being depressed was better, I hated my suicidal thoughts, they would ruin my days. But I'm now noticing that they did help me get through some rough moments. It's just not something I expected. 

I know that I should speak to a psychiatrist, maybe a therapist as well. I know that quitting my job would be better for my mental health, I am lucky in that I have the ability to do so and still have somewhere to sleep and eat. I know that I think about my future, if not college with a sociogy degree, then an electrition. There are other options for me, I'm just scared and anxious.

The reason I wrote this here was to make it all feel real. Ir's easy for me to move on from these moments. But I should realise that the fear and anxiety from change can't be worse than the anxiety, and especially the self-hatred, that I feel now.

Sitting in my work parking lot, writing this out, and I took the day off. I'm scared to confront my Mom when I get home, but it's for the best, and It's what I should do. Fuck Amazon.