I got raped last month, less than 3 weeks ago, yet it feels like both an eternity and like it happened yesterday. I was roofied and don't remember most of it but I do have some memories of being raped again in my own bed when they brought me home the next morning. I've drank every day since, I cut myself for the first time in years, psychotic symptoms are flaring up, I hit myself so hard yesterday I can barely walk. At the hospital, in front of staff. Things are actually getting worse as the weeks go by, I thought it'd get better. I've been raped before and this time is so much worse  

Things were going so well before, then this happened, while my main psych is also on vacation for a month. It all feels like it happened for a reason, like a crab pulled me back into the bucket when I was finally making it out. The guy I'm dating is also so much more distant and it feels so fucking painful. We called every day, now it's once a week at most. He's been supportive but he's just hurt from this happening to me and needs more space. Which I understand and give but yeah there's no time I've needed support more than right now.. Don't have much besides him anyway and mental healthcare is useless where I live. I can't be alone with my own thoughts right now  

I'm so angry at the timing, things were actually looking up, the two weeks before it happened were some of the happiest I've ever felt. I was making big steps in getting sober from alcohol, I was getting really close with him, I finally got back into hobbies again, my suicidal feelings were getting much less bad.. then this.... those pieces of shit.. they took everything from me. I know I can recover but I'm getting really sick of life. Really. Fucking. Sick. I haven't been this suicidal since my worst attempt. I also don't even feel safe at home anymore, I need to go to bed right now but I don't wanna cuz my bed is tainted now. It just reminds me of what happened there. Now I have to worry about std's and shit as well. Taking these hiv prevention pills that make me nauseous as fuck. I'm sick of it all. I'm falling apart