Just another thing I thought of to address in therapy tomorrow. There are many people I’ve ruthlessly blocked and cut out of my life when they hurt me over the years. People from work, friend groups, people I’ve dated (this is the most prevalent one). I’m sure they don’t understand the pain they caused me that led me to make those decisions for the relationship. Sometimes I tried communicating and felt invalidated and after a certain point I just snap and want them gone. Sometimes I don’t realize how angry I am until someone else tells me they don’t think what that person did to me was okay. Or express shock at how I allowed them to talk to or treat me. Then I feel ashamed and angry. I have pretty low self worth despite being very outgoing and friendly. My low self worth keeps me from recognizing things I don’t like sometimes because I convince myself I’m actually the problem, and I have a passive, people pleasing communication style, often repressing my own emotions until they explode, so I feel like this has happened to me quite a bit over the years. 

Part of me knows I’m lacking empathy for them when I block them out. But it’s a response to what I perceive as their lack of empathy for me. So in that moment I feel they don’t genuinely care about me so it won’t hurt them if I disappear. (Which is not always true, often very untrue.) I just want to block the negative emotions they bring me because they’re too strong. I generally let things build up, I don’t realize until it’s the “final straw” and then I never want to speak to them again. I definitely demonize them in my mind which I know is unproductive. 

Usually later on I’ll be able to see them as neutral again and have more compassion for where they were in life that caused them to act the way they did. I’ve made amends with a few people who later reached out for forgiveness, or even I reached out after realizing some things (like projecting my complex emotions onto them) and apologize for abruptly cutting them out. 

But in the moment, it’s how I keep myself from going back to someone who has repeatedly made me question my own self worth/sanity. This is how I cope, and why I’m going to be so careful in the future about who I share my heart with. I’m finally learning to be emotionally vulnerable with myself and realize I value deep connections and have struggled because I sought after superficial ones for years to distract me from my own emptiness. Luckily I managed to find and keep some deep and genuine relationships. 

I just need to spend a lot of time on myself right now so I stop blindly heading into things without understanding what I want and need, and then getting upset when my needs aren’t met. I have been going through life looking to external validation to fill this giant void inside of me, I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s gotten to a point I feel I’ve been living to try to get validation from other people for so long I have no idea who I am. I’m struggling a lot with my sense of identity lately. It’s usually tied up in work, friends, or boyfriends. I don’t know who I am apart from people in my life and don’t know how to enjoy time alone like I used to. I want my joy and security to come internally. Just some late night thoughts, let me know if you have any to share