I was going through my notes last night, and found something I wrote in May 2020. It shocked me to read because it felt like an entirely different person wrote it. I was unmedicated at the time and I was in such a dark place all the way up until this last April (2021). I have been taking medication now, and I don’t recognize the person who wrote this. Maybe it will give someone hope? I hope so. 

pty promises and cruel words, a black cloud. I am drowning, I’m drowning. I’m in a sea of cold dark water where there is absolutely no light. I can’t see my hands in front of me to swim, and the cold chills from the water have traveled to my shivering heart. I’m numb, and cold and can feel the light gone from my eyes where they used to shine. There is no spark in me any longer, I used to feel like I was a wood burning stove, always a fire inside of me. Warm, comforting... pure happiness. I am a shell of a person and Leanna feels like a past life to me. How did this happen to me? When did I become this bad? I found myself slipping over the years, but I guess I never noticed how much worse it was getting. Under the pressure of constant, brutal waves... I cracked. I fell under the surface and continued down..down..down and I keep going. That’s the most terrifying part about this ocean... I don’t know if there is a bottom. I’m so deep, and I lose my breath every time I think about how far down I’ve drowned. How far away from the surface must I be now? 
If I haven’t seen the light, my hands in months...years..
So that either way, I am stuck in the depths of an unknown ocean. Whether I sink or swim, I am too deep now to ever reach the top. I’ll spend my whole life kicking my feet to stay alive, never getting any rest because I will either be sinking, trying to stay alive ..or swimming and trying to stay alive.