I've recently been given a notice that my business is being audited. The stress of it has removed all taste from food, I hug my wife and kids and feel nothing, it's like someone sitting on my chest at all times. What if I lost my invoices, what if I labeled something wrong and now I have to pay fines or even go to jail? Extreme I know but I can't help it. 

Now I'm reminded of the time I was 19, when I last felt this way. My high-school sweetheart broke up with me and it broke me. All I wanted to do is sleep, avoid friends and when I talked about how I felt people would avoid me. So naturally, I started drinking heavily with friends, it got so bad that I failed 2 years of university. I grew up in an abusive home and my dad had some money, but he used the money he gave us as an excuse to verbally and physically abuse the family and then drink for days. I wanted to quit university and start working but they convinced me to stay until I have a degree. 

At 24 I stopped drinking and completed my degree but struggled to be social and some weeks isolate myself in my flat. I then met my wife and we got married. I felt the same again when my dad passed. I don't drink anymore, I can have one beer and then be done with drinking for weeks without even remembering I have beer in the fridge. My wife also has been battling depression since I've met her and the drugs has killed our sex life. Feels like we've always been focused on her (she has a lot of health issues) and my mother (my dad passed and she could cope). I'm always there when they struggle. 

I've scheduled an appointment at a psychologist because the audit has made me think of suicide as an option which scared me as I have never felt like dying is an option. Have I been depressed this whole time and didn't realise my stress eating and masturbating was a way for me to self medicate? 

I'm also writing this because I know getting stuff out makes you feel better.