Just something I've been thinking a lot. These days, I can only gain short-lived happiness from impulsive buying, which makes me drown even more in emptiness after my post-pay clarity, knowing I just threw out money for some stupid things I don't need. I don't talk to people around me that much anymore as well, and I'm too ashamed to let people in the past see me now. I can't finish university, so I'm a NEET at this point, with nothing to do. My family/close friends/BF is luckily somewhat understanding, so I feel bad when I have bursts of anger and take it out on them. I can't enjoy things I used to like anymore, and the emptiness is growing and growing. I'm also disabled, so I can't do certain things that I want to, and it's so frustrating. 

I've been trying to get myself something that helps me be financially stable, but all good-paying jobs here require a uni degree. I tried freelancing, but also no success. It feels weird to see my uni friends graduating and working that it's so surreal, it's like I'm in an entirely different world. 

I don't know if this is a BPD thing, a CPTSD thing, or a combination of both, but it's weird when something happens and my friends or family feel things I can't feel. Like I know how in certain situations, you should feel happy, but I can't. It's just this kind of numbness that makes you unable to relate to people, if that makes sense.

Thank you for giving me a platform to vent on. I lost hope in myself so long ago, but after typing this out I feel a bit better.