(first of all, sorry for any mistakes, english isnt my first language)


this year was the best year of my life. but also the worst. 

after years of intense suffering that started before my own birth (my dad killed himself in father's day while my mom was pregnant and she got severely depressed), when i turned 20 i finally had my diagnosis, a therapist, medication, was in my first year of face to face classes in college, had some friends and was not feeling so much pain all the time. i used to describe this feeling as if my whole life used to be black and white and suddenly colors starting to appear. for the first time in my entire life i had finally understand what it is like to be trully alive. i had no idea this preceded the worst days of my existence.

in the begginig of the second semester, a series of disastrous things stated to happen. first, my grandpa died. then, my boyfriend who i was deeply in love broke up with me, saying he doesnt feel the same for me. then, my brother tryed to kill himself with my moms medication, what made my mom get bad again. i live in this state for college so my family is very far way (both physically and emotionally), and at this point i was used to handle this kind of crisis on my own. then, my roomate kicked me out of her apartment (i've always had problems with her, but at the time i was feeling good and balanced so i could handle it very well). but the problem is that all of this was just the easy part

things started to hurt again, the only way i can handle this pain was drinking almost every day. i packed my things and went to the first place that i could find, with some girl from college who where offering a room in her place. i was ready to start getting better: now i had a home with a roomate who doesnt hate me, i had tickets for the coldplay tour in the next month and was feeling very excited about it, i had my therapist and friends support and was feeling optimistic, yet a little sad and broken. poor girl couldnt even imagine what was just about to start

out of nowhere, without any plausible explanation, my new roomate kicked me out with just 3 days of moving. i havent done anything (in fact i didnt cause trouble in any place in my entire life, everyone always suspect i have autism because of my little to no engagment with other people). maybe it has to do precisely with my withdraw and closure. i dont care, we'll never know what happened, or even if SOMETHNG happened. the point is: i was hurt, sad, homeless and the girl started to act like a monster (i'll never forget how she said her house was not a shelter for mentally ill people and that she doesnt care where i sould go as long as i was out of there). i started to drink even more. i barely remember these days i spent in the streets, in stranger houses, without my stuff (that by that moment was in her apartment untill i could find somewhere to put them), without my clothes, without showering, without support besides my therapist, who was paid for provide me that support.

because of all these stuff, my drinking (dont forget i take physc medication), my street situation and my deeply vulnerable mental condition, i ended up being raped. i dont wanna give details (i barely remember what happened, only that i woke up in a friends house with a lot of bruises all over my body).

after that, i cant remember barely anything. i dranked from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep (if i was going to sleep). but i remember things got complicated. i tried at least two medical assistance because of the depression, the thoughts of killing myself and the drinking, but no one did a thing to help me. i even tried voluntary psychiatric hospitalization, but they say they have no vacancy for me and sent me """"home"""" (one time i even had to run away of the doctors because i had no "home" they could sent me at).

while that the girl put on my stuff outside the apartment without my permission (in my state of mind i had no chance i could get somewhere or someone to live with) and i had to call the police because ive lost some of my things in this process, but the girl called her friends and they showed up with a bunch of lies against me, and it was their words against mine, alone... it was so humilliating and dregating and i feel so lonely.

but of course, this wasnt end yet: because of the gravity of my case, my therapist had to stopped my treatment, claiming he has done everything he could and still i wasnt getting better (i cant even imagine why i wasnt getting better). 

i had a home now (provided by the college's social assintence due to my vulnerable state), but this is my currently situation. i've been abandoned by the only person i had because i was to much for him. i was too much for a PROFESSIONAL to take care of, and yet me, a 20 years old child of both depressed suicidal parents, have to figure out a way to take care of myself alone 

(lets not forget it is school semester and im a college student, so i have to justify to professors why i cant get good grades like all of my classmates. and i cant even go to the coldplay concert because i wasnt able to get out of bed)

how can all this suffering can be just "life"?