If it's okay I'm really in need of support and a place to vent right now. 

I feel so insecure and lost specifically in the dating realm. I feel like I'm not good enough or too boring for anyone. I just officially ended a tumultuous slightly over a year long fling that was never official and he completely destroyed me. He was extremely manipulative and either I was too much or not enough in every aspect. I wasn't perfect either but he was at a level I knew was wrong from the get go. In early December he almost assaulted me and I had to punch him to get him to let go (he also broke a strong boundary and knows I've been raped multiple times previously). Fast forward after not talking for a few months we started to again and he manipulated me even further back into his life just so he could get head. 

During that in between time, I was used again pretty much sexually and emotionally. And again after the second time around. 

The thing is this is just what happens whenever I am interested in someone. I get used for sex and as an emotional support animal to it's at the point where I'm truly convinced that that's what I only ever will be. I give them their confidence back and they get to cum. Nobody ever wants to stick around for anything past that. Once it's sensed I want more than just that, they dip and say "I just don't want to date right now". But somehow always end up with somebody. I'm not coming from a "oh pick me" place. It's straight up just the pattern I've witnessed and I'm so fucking worn down from it. I feel so god damn worthless all the time and have almost no self esteem, being drained consistently. 

I'm going to stay out of dating for a very long time even thought I know I'll want that false intimacy of sex. I just feel so god damn broken and damaged and am worried I'll never be fixed. 

Sorry if it's worded all weird, I'm not the best at typing out emotional thoughts. If I need to emphasize let me know.

Edit: left out a detail