nothing seems to matter anymore. nothing interests or intrigues me. i just keep eating like an animal, in hopes to soothe some of the pain, but this has resulted me in getting fatter by the day. i once used to have a god-bod. now, im an oversized dad-bod at best. no progress in my education. i stand where i was 2 years ago. a high school graduate. that's it. i cant work, or workout, or read, or even go out to engage (even if i gathered my spirits for it), because i live with my parents, and they forbade me.

I'm supposed to study for this big exam coming up. but i can't. like, i physically cant. my brain just shuts down. so i pretend to study for about 14 hours non stop, all the while just streaming content mindlessly, from one service to another. that's it. i just eat, and consume content all day, every day , and have been doing this for about 2 months now. i failed my last exam even after studying&gt;14 hours a day for 2 months continuously with no breaks, so it seems pointless. in case you're wondering, im not in college. no sir. i'm pursuing what we call as a "professional degree", called Chartered Accountancy, which i've lost all my interest in. to be very clear, im not stupid. i achieved like, 95% in my high school, cleared various coveted entrance exams, olympiads, etc. but i used to have an interest there. but now i feel like that one kid who for some reason, just can't pass 3rd grade. i feel like a zombie, switching from one bad situation to a worse one.

i cant discuss my problems with my parents, because of course they have to belittle them, and me, for even having such trivial problems in the first place. because in their younger days, they were this epitome of perfection that all parents desire and envy. even if i do pretend to study, no length of my hours seems to satisfy them. because, apparently, i should be up and running for 26 hours a day, and nothing less than that will ever be enough.

I just want to escape. but mind you, im not allowed to escape, because that's what cowards do. sometimes, i wonder if cowards really are bad, as they make them out to be. look at us for example, other non-depressed people ardently believe that we as a lot are a complaining, self pitying, foolish people. but what separates us from them is that we are not living in denial, and know clearly that our situation is bad, and let's face it, for most of us, it doesn't get better than that. we just drew the short end, and that's that.

to summarize, i am an academic failure, a fatty, a good for nothing fellow who mooches off of his parents, with a doomed for sure future, and hopeless.

&amp;#x200B;

If you're wondering, im 20(m).

thanks for reading my rant, and if you have some suggestions/something to discuss, you're requested to do so in the comments...