I work a typical Monday through Friday nine to five job. It’s a seasonal job so in the winter it’s really long and boring. I hate it. I’m alone with my thoughts. I always imagine myself as someone else somewhere else and it brings me a small comfort. But then reality sets In and I realize I’m still the piece of shit I am. I haven’t gotten a raise in a while and I’m drowning in debt. They don’t think I deserve a raise and they’re probably right. I hate to use my anxiety and depression as a crutch but sometimes it can be crippling. I’ve tried counciling and antidepressants several times but it never seemed to work. I smoke weed because it’s the only thing that helps. I feel stuck at my job cause I’m afraid the next job will try to drug test me. And I hate myself cause I can’t live without smoking or stop just enough to get a new job. 

I should be happy. I got married, recently bought a house and my wife, who I adore so much, is pregnant with our first child. I am happy and excited. But I still feel like shit. My wife has been diagnosed with HG. It’s like morning sickness but a thousand times worse. She can’t keep anything down. She can’t work so we’re surviving solely on my income which isn’t much. I think she thinks I’m cheating on her because we’re not very intimate anymore and she asks a ton of questions. I always reassure her that the problem is just me. I feel.. blank, emotionless, tired all the time. I don’t think she believes me. 

I used to have friends. We would play video games all the time. I lost interest in video games and it seems like they lost interest in me soon after. Now I have one friend and I feel like our friendship is forced sometimes. Like he’s only doing it cause he feels bad for me. When we hangout, which is every so often, he only wants to talk about what he and (my old friends) did. 

I feel like my life is a paradox. I do the same shit every week and it’s going by so quick. All the days blend together. I’m not suicidal. Just bored I guess. Just wanting a change. Figured it’d help to rant to strangers in the internet I suppose.