Does anyone else ever feel like they can try to do everything but still completely fuck everything up? I've been pretty depressed the past month and I fucked up tonight again.

I tried to handle something with maturity and calmness but it was the wrong move and I upset someone I love dearly and they started swearing at me and getting angry and I shut down. Then cried.

Usually when I am sad, it can go away easily since I have been on medication. But lately I have been in such a terrible mood, just feeling so awful about myself, and struggling a lot with wishing I was just dead.

And tonight I am just not able to really move past the sadness. I feel so awful, and like there is pretty much no hope for me. In minutes I ruined everything just because I thought trying to be silent and calm and choose my words carefully, was right. And I just ended up pissing off and hurting the only person I care about, and they also implied that they dont enjoy spending time with my family and I know it was probably just to come at me in the moment but it hurt.

I am afraid I will just never be normal. If I am feeling so distressed and worthless again just from a small argument that was my fault anyway, like always, will this keep happening? Will I always need a bigger dose? Will I just struggle the rest of my life? It worked before and now it seems to not be.

I just feel ridiculous. Ridiculous and mean and stupid and irrational and worthless and like I am only hurting the people I care about. I am on my period, but like I said, this has been the past 4 or 5 weeks I have felt this way and I just hide it. Because I feel like I am a burden to share those feelings.

I feel very small tonight. And I just hate myself. I wish I was just born with a normal functioning brain, or not born at all. And I do not deserve any of the people who care about me. Not a single one of them. They would be so much better without me, I have had numerous dreams about it the past week and a half, and waking up sad.

I truly try everything. I lose my cool. I act out. I'll just never be normal and I will always continue to hurt and be cold to the people I love, because I am terrible and I was always doomed to ruin everything I touch.