Tw for suicidal thoughts

I guess its partially because I have trauma due to teens my age..but I literally cannot hold it in from shaking severely hard and I almost start crying. I badly long for a group to hang out with.. having autism growing up didnt make it any easier..I always feel like an odd egg. This isolation is killing me.. I can't help but avoid eye contact with guys my age..I can just feel like they're judging me and everyone knows I'm different..not in a good way..just a strange alien nobody wants..

I feel scared almost 24/7 and I can't cope with it..I also deal with severe paranoia..for days at a time..sometimes I feel like I'd be better if I just ended it.. im not worth it. I have stopped trying to make friends..im truly not good enough.