Hi,
I wouldn’t exactly diagnose myself with a lifelong depressive disorder. I think I’ve always been able to handle tough times and hardships pretty well. However, 2022 has been nothing but an absolute nightmare for me. I will try to keep this post as brief as possible.


-I’m a young male that’s recently graduated from high school. During that time, I had a large number of friends, a loving girlfriend of 3 years, and an overall reason to keep going. Now, all of that is pretty much gone. Currently, I’m nearing my second year at my community college, and I have yet to find a job. 


-For some details with family: I’ve always been disgusted with my biological parents. My mother and father split when I was quite young, leaving us with almost nothing. He’s been admitted to prison multiple times for drug abuse. Outside of graduation, I probably haven’t seen him in around 6 years. 


-My mother has been nothing but abusive and manipulative to me since childhood. I’m talking about some pretty bad stuff, like throwing me down the stairs for “embarrassing” her in front of a date (I was around 9). 
This ensued until sophomore year of high school, which at that point I’ve ran away and contacted police multiple times. Furthermore, I was able to get my siblings and I to live with my grandparents (thank god for them).
Even with us moving, my mother still persisted in my life-virtually and physically, insisting that she’s not a problematic person. I had to visit her constantly, though most times only arguing occurred. To this day it’s hard to live a week without her popping up.


-And as for my relationship, we broke up in March. There are so many contributing factors as to how we wore down as a couple, a LOT of it being my fault. If I can be a little dramatic for a moment, I do believe that she was the reason my life was worth living. For years she comforted me, and helped me with my motivation, all the while merging her beautiful mind with my own. She had her own family problems, which strengthened the relatability between us even more. 

-Today, we still talk to each other, though briefly. She’s made it clear that she’s not interested in me anymore. Unfortunately, I understood where she was coming from. Not even a month after we broke up, she found somebody she’s interested in. The part that really stings, is that I’m aware of the crush she had on this dude since middle school. While I never doubted our relationship when it lasted, I feel like I was just barrier between them this entire time. 
To add, she’s complained about me publicly on her social media, with a growing amount of strangers “supporting” her through it all. It is jealousy displayed in the most obvious way, but I don’t care. She has more people to talk/vent to than me.


-Final note, I don’t even know why the fuck I’m in college. I realize that I enrolled so I didn’t look like an idiot in front of my peers. I still have no idea what I want to do for a living, and my time is running out. One of the only things I’ve found interest in-becoming a librarian, hasn’t worked out in the slightest. I’ve been rejected four times between two different branches, despite being told to to keep trying from the hiring team. It truly is the only job that seems enjoyable, I don’t want to suffer in fast food or some other thing during college. I know, I’m being too selective. My family tells me that every other day and it makes me feel like a degenerate.

-This feels terrible. So terrible that I’m typing all of this out on Reddit without an ounce of sleep. I feel very despondent from my hobbies, my family, friends, everything. I don’t know how I’m still alive and well. 
How do you even rebound from this state?