The title says it all, I hate my life. I am good at nothing, people say I have my art abilities but as all artists know, from their own perspective their art looks like a shits dogshit. 

Me and my friend play league of legends and no matter how hard I practice I just can’t get good enough to progress my own skill.

I’m tired of just fucking sucking at every god damn thing I try, I try new things and every single thing I try I’m beyond incompressibly baby piss and shit at it.

There’s a girl in my life whom I’m trying to date, she talked about few weeks prior to this post going out, however the way she talked about it was weird, like indirectly talked about it. And yesterday I asked her out on a date in which I got friend zoned , however she still wants to go see a movie later this week and I can’t tell if she’s just trying to slowly drift away from me or actually still be friends, I have my doubts.

Medical conditions I’ve been able to figure out that I have on my own without the help of a professional are easily, depression, some fucking wayyyyyy off the charts anxiety like you’ve never seen before, and lots of anger issues. I’m going into the army and I’ve been psychologically preparing myself for the time when I have to kill someone, I think it’s making me insane. And I’m stressed over what I should do with the girl I’m into or go to the army and eventually do special ops, even tho I’m out of shape for it.

I was bullied all through primary school, and most of my secondary, (in Australia we only have two parts to school, years 1 - 6 and years 7-12) however the last couple years of highscool were quite chilled although the psych trauma and humiliation is still there.

I’m always in my friends shadow no matter what I do he does better, is it a brain development thing? Cause I am fucking stumped for answers on how he has such insane luck. 

Lastly I’m afraid to do nearly anything, due to the fact I’ll be fucking terrible and stuff up whatever it is, or just have the most intense bad luck u will ever see and miraculously fuck everything up. Seriously tho my luck is that bad.
Like as I was saying with the girl earlier, how can my chances go from possibly going out to friend zoned like what the actual fuck did I do wrong in the span of two weeks. My communication skills used to be a bit better but for some reason since Boxing Day I’ve frozen the fuck up like fuck me did frozone walk into my brain and start going fucking apeshit with his freeze rays. Like I can’t even hold a conversation anymore just stupid ass small talk, I try to introduce some of the shit I like to the girl but i just do it in the most uninteresting way.

I’ve finally reached the peak of my sanity, I don’t think I can really take much more of my consistent babyshit luck and mental illnesses all whilst topped off with art commissions, girl, work, projects, army, and the stress accompanied with it. 
I have contemplated killing myself, it’s a thought that’s crossed my mind every time I become a pinnacle shit eater, which happens almost over 5 times a day, and every time this happens I get uncontrollably mad. Don’t know if it will happen in the future but Rn it’s heading that direction like the motherfucking titanic.

I’m just so sad, upset, done, if anyone reads this, well I say, did u really just waste a good five mins of ur life listening to a fucking monkey like me? There are much better things to do then help me... if I saw myself, I wouldn’t help me. Fuck. This. World. I just want the pain to go away.