So for the past 20-odd years I have been unsuccessfully medicated for other issues. My chief complaint even on medication was that I felt empty inside. I currently cannot pinpoint a moment were I genuinely felt happy or content. For the most part I'm more like a robot that occasional gets a bad line of code (rejection/change in plans) and goes into a murderous rage for an hour or so. Most of the aggression is taken out on myself.

My therapist printed out the DSM's criteria for diagnosis and struggled to find the minimum number needed to make a diagnosis. Part of this was because I was not forthcoming in some. I'm going to start with admitting to them on here and try to bring them to my next therapy appointment. 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: I mostly tolerate really shitty relationships both romantic and platonic and avoid confrontation because I worry more about upsetting the other peoson and dealing with their negative emotions.

2. Black and white love/hate relationships. I don't have these with all of my relationships, but a few I do. Most notably my parents and previous close friends.

3. I do not keep friends easily as I dont feel connected to them to keep them around for the long term. It is easy for me to run out of things to talk about.

4. impulsivity with spending and eating. 

5. self injury due to extreme emotion (mostly anger and depression). Often times it is accompanied by the idea that i deserve the hurt and suffering.

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness, I often feel as if I and the world do not exist. It feels like I am watching a movie. Being around lots of people is like an out of body experience.

7. inappropriate, intense anger. I struggle with a temper. for the most part i just get pissy and scream in my car. But it has turned physical, with me hitting walls and throwing a tantrum.

8. Constant paranoia that people don't like me or that they have ulterior motives that would be damaging to me. But mostly that no one likes me and its all my fault. 

9. One thing i lack is the neediness, however. My emptiness has swallowed up my social needs. I don't need to be with people to be happy(at least as happy as I can get), and as a result am a  hermit.

10. I do obsess over potential romantic partners. Often these obsessions are over inappropriate people (in a committed relationship, or socially inappropriate in some other way). I only like one person and it is often for a year at a time. I think about them from the moment I get up to when I go to bed. Sometimes I have conversations in my head with them. Sometimes I think about sex. I try to break this obessive thinking as I know it is not healthy and that having these sort of thoughts will ruin any potental relationship i could have had and cause the fallout to be worse than Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined. 

11. My sense of humor is very sarcastic and I often joke about taboo topics such as suicide, the failed realization of dreams, and other morbid things. Which is odd because

12. I rarely genuinely laugh at things. I am very very very good at faking it ( along with most reactions, how ever I am sometimes at a loss for what to do as I have no emotion to guide me)

So that's that. Feel free to toss in your two cents.
