So, I reread the rules of the sun and let me preface by saying I am NOT suicidal. I’ve made a lot of life changes recently and feel pretty okay to great most of the time. 

Anyway, I was leaving a fun outing with friends at one of my favorite swimming spots and just kind of reflecting to myself about my life over the last year or so. I was thinking about how I made some mistakes that hurt me and others so badly, questioning how I could feasibly live with myself without letting all of that haunt me. Some of the things I did made/make me feel so shitty that I want to punish myself and also show my sincerest apologies to the people I hurt; one way I thought about doing this was through suicide. 

However, with therapy and medication, I don’t have those thoughts very often anymore and I’ve learned how to redirect them and how to acknowledge that even though my bad behaviors were at times very ugly when I was in no legitimate peril, when I was genuinely loved and supported, it was related to the learned trauma responses that ultimately preserved my life during the worst periods. 

Sometimes really good days make me reflect on the bad, which was what happened the other day. I was just beginning to redirect these thoughts when suddenly I found a loaded gun at my feet. Just sitting there. Almost as if it was waiting for me. Not hidden, not concealed, just sitting there. No manual safety. 

Maybe making it out to be more profound than it is, but fuck, it got me soooo in my feelings about my worst of worst days. I just cried. And cried and cried and let myself feel every feeling that was coming without attempting to redirect or rationalize away the thoughts. 

I don’t know where I’m going with this post really. I just wanted to share… anyone else have amazing days and something random happens that reminds you of every bad thing you’ve ever done?