Feelings have blossomed recently with a friend who has shared a mutual attraction with me over a year. Neither of us were aware of how the other felt until it all came out in a recent chat, and as soon as we realised the built up feelings we both have for one another, the floodgates opened, so to speak.

I won't go into detail about just how well suited we are for one another, it's truly like I've found my other half. However, I am torn because right now I am at an amazing, blessed period of recovery in my life where I am undergoing intensive treatment for my BPD including therapy and counselling. Plus, uni and work pressures are a thing. I have been working so hard on improving myself and my life and have so much to show for my efforts. Sadly, to cave into a committed relationship with my new FP at this point in time would ultimately defeat any progress made with my recovery - a relationship right now would cause me to regress because I am not ready. I have everything to lose and am not prepared to make this sacrifice. For the first time in my life, I am doing the right thing (which feels so wrong). I am prioritising myself over a potential prospected relationship.

So, I can't commit to FP right now. And this newfound understanding goes against every fibre of my being which screams at me that I need them. I am trying so very hard to not give in to my BPD symptoms and this is legit the most painfully rational decision I have ever had to make. I know that even by making this decision, I am proving to myself just how well I am doing.

FP took it so well and totally respected my decision. They told me they have my back 100% and would wait for me to get better. We still have a lot of love for each other. I know FP is hurting. Ultimately, I know once I am recovered well enough, I can be the best version of myself for myself, and then in any relationship. I'm trying to think of it as a short term loss for a long term gain.

My anxiety has peaked, I feel extra needy and sensitive and yearn for FP's attention. I just feel so fucking deflated and empty right now, because I turned down this beautiful connection with FP to work on myself. It /feels/ like FP has rejected me, even though I /know/ it was me who called it off. My chest feels so heavy but I am trying hard to keep my chin up and remember why I have made this decision. Thanks if you made it this far on my post, had to share it somewhere. *sigh*