It's been incredibly hard for me to accept I'm depressed again, especially after getting accepted into a university I really wanted to transfer to. I was so happy after I got the letter; it was everything I wanted. I had been miserable up until that point of getting the letter and I'd even started making future plans to work hard, be successful, and spread more goodness in the world, especially since I'm studying to become a clinical psychologist. So why am I feeling crappy all of a sudden again? Maybe it's because of pressure, stress, or other things going on in my life but I've always been able to handle it before so why the heck am I breaking down now during the most important years of my life. I know I want to finish my degree. I know I want to help people. Yet I can't even help myself and I feel like a laughing stock because of it.  


On top of that, I've been trying to make friends and it's the worst experience ever. I am actually devoid of any personality and talking to people makes me want to kill myself because I can't effectively communicate. I can't stop feeling like everyone hates me and sometimes I overshare because of trauma and then I start thinking of why I did that and it just makes me feel like gagging from the cringe. How am I even supposed to ever be a psychologist when I can't talk to people without thinking everyone hates me? I'm literally going to graduate in two years with my bachelor degree and it's starting to dawn on me that I need to get my act together immediately or I'm screwed. It just stresses me out so bad that I feel like giving up, even though I know I won't.   


I don't have a single friend either or anyone to go to. I can't afford therapy or medication. Plus I have to keep living at home with my verbally abusive parents while watching my pets die because my dad refuses to pay for veterinarian bills. I don't even know how to be independent anymore. I never get the chance to be. I thought I'd get to live in a dorm on campus next Fall but found out I can't cause my dad's giving all of his money to this lady he's cheating on my mom with and no one knows except me. I just can't take this nightmare anymore. I have so much trauma built up and none of it ever gets resolved then I screw up all my relationships when I try to find company or support. It just sucks cause I know I have to figure out everything on my own. Luckily I'm resilient. I always have been but sometimes I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I just wish I went through with my plan on killing myself and now I live with regret that I didn't cause I'm just a scaredy cat or something.   


God I literally just want to end this life so badly. It's gone on long enough. I know I'll continue living but I just wish someone could end my life for me because I just can't do it myself. I know I'll be okay when I become a psychologist and start helping people. It's a lot easier to help others than it is to help yourself, but then I'll leave my office everyday knowing I feel like shit and want nothing more than to die with a smile to be brave for my clients. I just wish this nightmare would end. I'm not strong enough for this. I never was.