Lately I've been having constant suicidal thoughts, whatever I do to try and make myself feel better, I can't. Like I try to keep going on about doing things I like, going to partys, meeting friends, but the overwhelming feeling comes back all the time.  It's situationally caused btw, I did this to myself. It's absolutely not the worst I've ever been but it's still bad, it's not like the time where it was constant constant severe depression when I almost didn't eat or sleep for weeks. Still, I wan't to get away from everything, I don't want to go on anymore.

I don't think I wan't to die right now, yet sometimes I just feel like being alive is too hard and that there would be something beautiful about dying. Although to be honest, I don't think I'm gonna do it. One of the things that's stopping me is that I actually can see a small strim of light and that there are some things I wan't to do before I die (like I have a to do list lol), but yeah. Right now these things have largely been things in the short term though, like a party or concert I was really looking forward to, but the weird thing is that the suicidal urges  usually feel so much stronger right before these events. I also feel like I can't be myself anymore, I describe it as feeling of being unable to access the parts of me that I want, just now when I write this I just feel like I can't get my thoughts out the way I used to be able to if that makes sense. Same with music, writing, schoolwork and everything else.

I remember getting help once,  when I was severely depressed I guess, but it was also a bit because of my PTSD, like to be honest I've got a bunch of problems and I've long known I should be getting help but don't really know what I was getting help for, I'm just a mess. Anyway it didn't really help me, mostly because I think I wasn't very honest and the wait was so long that when I finally started the therapy, my depression was almost gone and I felt fine and thought I didn't really need any help.

I also feel a bit stupid for having these thoughts like I'm overdramatizing everything but it's really hard, I still have some nights where I can't sleep and some days when I don't want to eat and it's just exhausting, but I totally understand that other people have it worse and should probably be prioritized because I know this isn't an emergency but sometimes in the really dark and chaotic moments, it feels like it is. Like I can't handle it and the whole borderline thing is sometimes so weird because in one moment everything feels hopeless  and in the next I'm almost back to normal and feel like 'wow, i  really overexaggerated!' , that's why I always feel fake for seeking help, because of how quickly I change. .

But yeah sometimes, I just wan't to get myself sectioned or something and sometimes I feel like I will be able to ride it out., it's just so hard feeling like this almost constantly. As I mentioned earlier I've been worse before, but it's just that it's been like this for  a long time right now and it's exhausting. Maybe it's just existential, but hopefully this period will pass again, I think it will, but it's hard staying in these moments, ya know?