Working on diminishing my splitting tendency is proving to be a challenge.. This is the most uncomfortable I've been while "sitting" with something, and I'm learning it's because I've always been uncomfortable with my own "Self" and my "true" emotions.

I read something about how the brain's two hemispheres "work" and what they have "control" over.. And I found I spend most of my time using my left hemisphere.. For everything. I've always loved math &amp; science, so this makes sense to me.. The left hemisphere is also responsible for speech and language.. And I LOVE talking.. Especially talking about complex ideas..

And I've always hated socializing.. I've always had poor relationships and minimal contact with my friends.. Which is "influenced" by the right hemisphere.. 
I'd rather sit by myself and spend my time over-thinking everything, which exists in the left hemisphere.,

And then it dawned on me: I'm not listening to what my right hemisphere is "telling me." I'm trying to find ways to "tell myself" what to feel, and denying what my true emotions are.

Or, instead of simply expressing how I feel, I spend 45 minutes attempting to explain what I THINK I feel.. And it's because I'm afraid to express what I feel.

So, it seems to me, my splitting is a result of creating ideals of what all friends/relationships SHOULD be like in my mind (left brain), and then I also reinforced that idea with the belief there is no compromising that idea. (deny my right brain)..  And any slight or "wrongdoing" I deemed unacceptable to me caused me to split, 

and then, I would proceed to mentally fuck your shit up, sometimes just minutes after praising the ground you walked on (right brain reaction).

All of that, simply because I've been continuously afraid of my real feelings. Afraid of any sort of  "compromising," because it meant compromising my self.. Compromising my Ego..

So, it seems to me, this is exactly why I've always hated the dreaded Gray Area.. 
I think too much, and ignore what I'm feeling.. I'm ignoring an entire half of my brain.. And I'm missing out on half the fun that life offers with healthy relationships..

And I'm final starting to accept the Gray Area, because I'm stating to finally accept myself. I'm starting to be able to tell myself "I'm okay; you're okay" and believe it when I say it.

It's a beautiful, yet disorienting experience. And I want to leaves you with three words that I believe are true to myself at the moment:

I am happy. 😊

Thanksgiving for reading.. I hope this can help shed some light on somebody else about splitting, or anything in general..

Peace, love you all..


