I really need some advice. I've been rummaging through my brain for so long but I can't seem to come up with anything new. Please give me your two cents. 

I've been diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, as well as major depressive disorder with recurring episodes between every few weeks, up to months at most. I will experience at least 3 or 4 episodes per year, they range from mild to severe.

I am so tired. I'm in my 20s, but I feel like I'm a million years old. This started when I was 10-ish, 11, not sure, although I was always a gloomy child. I was also abused physically and mentally by my family. Now, I'm a fairly smart person, but my parents discouraged any sort of hobby and activity. We lived on an island, about 5km away from the "town". What this means for me today is that I am *incredibly* asocial. I literally have no friends. I also don't really.... do anything? I have interests but I never managed to develop any sort of habit. ANY sort of habit. I have no idea how to do that. At this point I have almost zero motivation. I feel like a sack of pebbles thrown into a lake. 

Somehow, I managed to meet this amazing person that even more amazingly ended up marrying me. We love each other greatly. I have no doubts about whether we belong together- but... just... do we have a future together? We're both down to earth people and I gotta say have pretty realistic goals. Nothing too extreme. I want to go back to school, he has a good career lined up, we want to start a family at some point in the future. IF I manage to get out of the depression cycle. I don't want to ruin his life. 

My BDP I can deal with. I practice mindfulness, I keep an eye on myself. I manage well. We communicate well. We don't fight, not really. We occassionaly argue about socks on the floor, you know? But not the depression, not anymore, I can't deal with that. It gets so extreme that I will have to use every morsel of energy I have to keep myself from suicide. I'm currently on a waiting list for therapy, again, will probably get an appointment in about a month. But I've been to all kinds of therapy already, some helped, some didn't, at this point I feel like I need a life coach, not a therapist. 

He needs me. He wants to do exciting things with me. I do too! But sometimes I can't help him or myself or do anything. I try to establish a healthy rhythm of living but I just can't keep it up. I end up just not doing anything. I don't do anything BAD, I don't have any bad habits- I don't have any sort of habits! Sometimes I resort to just sitting on the sofa waiting for him to get back from work. I do WANT TO do some things but I just don't really... I don't really know. So many things I cleared up in my head - the bdp, the abuse, our relationship, communication... Not this. And I am left with this: 

-Because I spent the majority of my life depressed, I don't know how to behave not-depressed 

-I have many interests, most really worth pursuing, but can't manage to keep up a habit

-My level of physical activity is really low, and I have trouble motivating myself. This gets more difficult with every depressive episode as I become even less able - fit - active

-I have no friends. I have little interest to make some, but I am quite lonely. 

-My asocial behaviour has made me socially anxious and I can't bring myself to find a job. I've never had a real job, there's nothing on my CV, we're also pretty much struggling with money

Right now I am just feeling lucky to have gotten out of the latest episode. I'm at a point where I am capable of doing *something* differently. 

*But what the fuck do I do?* 

Thank you so much if you read this all. I am eternally grateful for any sort of advice.

TL;DR: Life is rather slow and pointless?
