They see and remember when it's at it's worst. And when the front you put up slips and drops. But when you reestablish your guard I guess some people tend to think you're okay or doing much better, so it's out of sight and out of mind for them. 

I know it's natural to not want to think about morbid things. And its unpleasant. I just wish there was a way to... convey? what I really feel to others. But then am I guilty of putting it on them? Do they even really care enough. 

If you saw me compared to 8 months ago you'd think I'd be doing much better. But more and more it is... so so hard. 

Everyday for work i go through a busy intersection and I drive on a dangerous interstate and I just pray that something happens and it's just over. I love my family and friends (though I see the weight of me dragging them in their eyes sometimes when I don't ghost them and show up to see them) but I really don't think I can continue this much longer. I don't think ill do it myself or on purpose. And I don't want anyone else to get hurt. But at this point, 15 years since my first visit to a therapist...what is there to do. It wasn't meant to be.

Thanks for letting me rant. I hope you have a great day.