When I was a kid, you were the biggest star in my eyes. You were my crush; I watched all of your videos. I looked deeper into your profile to understand you more. As the years went by, I was really invested in your work and your world from a computer screen. I dated someone in high school and put away that ridiculous crush. The high school relationship ended (as most of them do) and I went back to the obsession. I found a way to contact you. You answered back! It was incredible! I had just turned into an adult months prior. Finally, we were going to meet up after talking for a while over the phone. It was the scariest experience of my life. I’ve never been the type to sneak out, but I did it for you, and myself. I wanted to feel freedom and excitement. You were 3 hours away. It was a LONG drive. I pulled up to your driveway after midnight, sweating and shaking with nerves. You tapped on widow for me to come in, and the rest of that night felt like a fever dream. A few more visits passed by and I got to meet the real you. I asked you not to do what you did, many times beforehand. I was facing away from you. I begged you to stop. You hit me in the face and it was that moment I realize this was a grown man who’s doubled my size, and I was really in trouble. I fought, cried, and blood was everywhere, dripping down my legs, in the cracks of my toes. I smeared the blood from to my fingers and shined it in the bathroom light so you could see. “Look what you did to me”. My face was hot, felt like my tears had turned into steam, which pushed back into my eyes. You just kept laughing. I was in a place I shouldn’t have been in. I wasn’t supposed to be there, no one knew where I was. It was beyond too late to get out of there, and I wasn’t supposed to be in a certain place until the next morning. My head was pounding from the pain. I felt that my insides had torn, almost to the point where I was afraid a doctor would have to be involved and the police would’ve been called. Even after this you still took advantage and had some fun for yourself. The next morning you gave me breakfast and kissed me goodbye. My emotions swapped from extremely scared to forgiving. 2 weeks had passed by, I watched your video and you had told that awful moment to 200,000+ people. Granted, you didn’t use my name, but strangely during those 2 weeks, my mind went blank of the incident. I even messaged you and said it was a funny story. The physical bleeding pain took 5 days to get over. Now and then the act would appear in my mind, but I would quickly cancel it out. It took a real friend, (not the friend I had told before, who only laughed, glancing over what I had said to think the whole thing was just a kink I was into) to point out that I was wronged. Everyone in the video was laughing, the comments were laughing, and comments asking questions, “Why would some girl allow that to happened? Jesus! this guy hooks up with straight-up whores” the crazy part is I still see you. Maybe this is an attempt to convince me, what happened wasn’t a waste. That maybe there are good times to come. Only a few times did I enjoy myself. I’m in a constant cycle, I need to leave, but my brain doesn’t want me to go. I’m trapped in my mind. I want to be free from everyone. I want to let people know, that’s why I’m writing this, but I can’t have my family involved. I don’t want my true identity out there. 

Please protect yourself, please don’t do what I did. Never. Meet. Your. Heroes. 

They can be monsters