I (23F) was diagnosed with BPD summer 2020 roughly a decade after my first diagnoses of MDD and GAD. I have been learning a lot about BPD while trying to better understand how it has been impacting me and my relationships.

First, I have been aware my entire sexually active life that my relationship with sex is very unhealthy. As has been pointed out to me by my current partner, I don't have sex for satisfaction I do it for reassurance, physical pain or as a form of physical and emotional self harm. I enjoy sex, but often in my lowest points I have the need to have sex that is painful and degrading and not just in a kinky sort of way but in a I want to hurt myself because I deserve it way. 

For a long time my current partner was not aware that I was struggling and so my seemingly high sex drive was met easily. But then on nights where he wasn't in the mood and I wanted it, I would beg him to hurt me and generally sex would follow. It was extremely manipulative on my end and I am not proud. However, over time as relationships go and careers began the time for sex is limited and my partner tends to not want to participate in my destructive behaviors. On those nights, like tonight, I put a lot of pressure on my partner to have sex which causes tension and usually ends in no sex. It is almost a compulsive need for sex and instead, my alternative is straight up self harm which has happened tonight.

Maybe this isn't BPD but I feel like there is some self hatred that is causing this. I can't find another coping mechanism and I know that involving my partner isn't healthy either. What do you do when you want to self harm and sex isn't an available alternative? What can substitute pain and hurting yourself? I'm sure there is a better way to word that but...help please.