i met the girl i was previously casually dating, lizz(then 26) in 2018. i was 23. ive never been one to say stupid things like ‘it was love at first sight’, but boy… was it exactly that. i felt i could be my authentic self 100% of the time, a liberty i’ve never experienced. after knowing her for about 8 months, she ended up going to school 8hrs away. by that time, we had been casually dating for about 4 months, but i knew in my heart how dedicate i was to her. i told her. i just KNEW i loved her, i cried over how much i loved her because i have NEVER experienced those feelings before. i saw myself in future scenarios i never wanted to be a part of. i felt the cognitive dissonance for a long, long time. i learned things about myself that, if it wasnt for lizz, i would still be this utterly broken, manipulated, abused mess. however, the biggest obstacle that caused our downfall of our friendship/dating was her not understanding my eating disorder. it was the biggest issue in my life at that time and she was a typical ‘you just gotta eat’ enabler, despite being blunt and transparent that i had an eating disorder and send articles for her to understand, because she understood my anxiety, depression, etc. so we gradually stopped talking. she soft blocked me on social media (blocked, then unblocked me so that we wouldnt follow each other, but could still see each others profiles). 
fast forward to the beginning of 2020, and i meet mari, my current partner. we dated starting mid april, and our official relationship began sept 2020.
theres not much to say, negatively. shes has lots of love and empathy and super understand my issues.  we even moved in together. however, i had broken up with mari once already because i was NOT handling my mental health at all.. but now im in an okay place, mentally. im taking meds, going to therapy, going to groups, cutting back on substance use, the whole nine. however, because of the break up, we figured we needed our own space, so i moved out. after moving out, i realized lizz followed me recently again on social media. i tried to ignore her and i cant bring myself to block/soft block her. my mind started wandering to our memories together and how great lizz was, and i KNOW shes grown to understand what my issue was and how she was wrong (not saying i was right, but it takes time/experience to understand what e.d’s entail)… because i visited lizz in august 2020 and she apologized for everything and confessed her feelings before that, and how she felt in the moment. her actions and behavior really got me, because rather than kiss me, which we almost did, she said i had to honest with mari and myself. she respected me as a person, and respected herself as a person. now, i cant stop idealizing her as this perfect person who i love so deeply and unconditionally. how she is my ‘end goal’ partner if that makes sense
and then… theres my partner mari. as much as i tell myself i love her, i know its conditional. theres been so much conflict within me about the way i love her. if anything… i love mari as a friend (with benefits). shes great as sex, but ive never been one to have a high, or even moderate, libido. i can go weeks, months, years, without a sexual encounter and im 100% okay with that because trauma. and im starting to feel like thats all i am, a sexual encounter. the way she was ready to jump on another beautiful girl after we were dating for roughly 8 months and told me she wanted it to be a threesome… but as soon that happened, i realized how much she just wanted to have with with this gorgeous girl. sex hasnt been the same since bc i now feel inadequate, someone ‘beautiful’ to conquer. texting feels strained. hanging out in public is rare bc too many people will give her anxiety. i feel like im always competing with her family/friends for love and attention. the biggest issue is family - my family life consisted of abuse all throughout til i left home. she had a rough childhood, but by the time she hit high school, family life turned around and now shes dedicated to her ENTIRE family (both sets of parents, all 6 siblings, every single aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, grandparents, GREAT grandparents etc etc etc) like she owes them her entire life. she has severe attachment issues when it comes to her best friend (couldnt even go a week into our 2 week vacation without constantly telling me how much she missed her ‘pal’) 
personally, i literally only count my sister and mom as ‘family’. maybe my grandma and a couple of uncles, but they live in el salvador and i dont feel an obligation to them as i do my mom/sister. 

back to my dilemma… i now constantly compare mari to lizz, the way mari doesnt comprehend my needs, no matter how many times ive talked about them, and how lizz knew my needs without me ever having to say them out loud. i compare the way they handle my jokes and sarcasm. i compare their beauty. i compare every aspect of them and lizz always comes out on top. its driving me insane because i keep putting lizz on this pedestal and thinking about ‘the long game’ and how im going to break up with mari and wait a few months then hit up lizz as to not make it seem like a rebound. i dont want lizz to think i dumped someone for her, even though thats exactly what i want to do. i cant get over my feelings for lizz. she just feels… right. perfect. unconditionally mine. i now think of lizz daily when i used to MAYBE think about her once a month. 
i dont have a fear of being alone, but other peoples emotions are a nuisance. i hate emotionally hurting people only because i hate how they take a fact as something personal. the fact is i feel like a sexual object and emotionally unfulfilled with mari, and felt like my true self with lizz, flawed and loved. 
i dont know.
its driving me insane.