October 26th 2022, the day the confirmation I've been searching for happened...
 In my 34 years on this earth I for the good of 18 of those years felt like something was off.  for the first time in my life I was given the diagnosis... I can't tell you how many doctors I've been to, how many times I was told over and over it's just depression, it's just anxiety or it's postpartum depression or it's stress in your life.. no I kept telling the doctors there is more than that.. I brought in my journals I kept track of everything... Sexual drive mood swings even appetite day to day.. I felt like thinking there was more made me even crazier. Not one doctor until Wednesday night would take my word and listen... Do you know what it does to you being told you literally are making this up in your head your mood swings aren't that bad, you have to have some kind of stress in your life causing this.. why??? Why would no one believe me... Why did it take me falling apart almost losing my husband and ruining my relationship with my children , my family for a doctor to listen to me... Why did it take me telling someone I think about just letting go of the wheel , that my children are LITERALLY the only thing keeping me here in this place .. why after 18 years of wondering what's wrong with me??? I finally got the confirmation I've been searching for I'm not just making this up as I go along... I'm not just being dramatic or a hypochondriac.. I am Bipolar... There was more to my pain than just depression... I am not making this up...
I started my meds last night.. Today is a better day than in the past few weeks I don't know if it's the meds or honestly just the relief of knowing I will get better... That it will soon be more good days than bad... That I will be able to learn how to handle stress in my life without going into a depression state... That maybe my manic moments won't come as often... Maybe just maybe I can start to live again and rebuild myself... My relationship with my husband, with my kids..with my extended family.. maybe I can be somewhat "normal" whatever that means for me...