I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac, as has my mother. But in the last year, for obvious reasons, it's gotten REALLY bad, to the point where I always feel I am in a life or death situation.

Before, I used to worry if I felt really unwell that I had something really serious. But only if I really felt unwell. When the pandemic struck, my mother drummed it into my head that she was going to die if she got covid. Over time, I became extremely worried that I had covid. I started constantly checking my temperature and making sure I could still taste and smell. This was for fear that I was going to get it and give it to my mother and kill her with it.

It got to the point where most DAYS, I was panicking that I had covid. The SLIGHTEST thing I felt, I assumed it was covid. I frequently got tested - all of them were negative. I started not seeing anyone or doing anything, and started living in the house 24/7 and never leaving, in case I caught covid and gave it to my mother.

Then my dad had a sudden heart attack and died. No warning. He died right in front of us.

Since then, my mental health has done a complete nosedive. I am completely alone and isolated from anyone my age, living with my mother. I feel I can't tell her about my health anxiety because it just stresses her out, so I'm always trying to hide it from her.

Now it's gotten so bad that I am constantly worrying about my health all the time. At least once a week I am calling the doctor. It's been this endless cycle. I feel the SLIGHTEST pain or thing not right. I panic. That makes it worse. I call the doctor and get checked. It's nothing. And then I feel something else, rinse and repeat.

I've had MANY over-the-phone doctor's appointments for things that turned out not to be serious. I even had an ECG and a blood test after I had a bad pain in my chest which turned out to be indigestion.

A lot of people do not take health anxiety seriously. "Har har har, he thought he was having a heart attack when he had indigestion!" "He thought he was having a brain aneurysm but it was just a tension headache, LOL!" But when it completely consumes your life to the point you can't get excited for anything anymore because you always assume you're possibly having a medical emergency, it is absolutely NOTHING to joke about.

I know that this is a huge problem and change needs to happen, and I am trying to organize therapy, but it's hard to do so during the pandemic. It's affecting my relationship with mom as she is constantly worrying about me now and that's consuming her life.

My goal is to try to rationalize things and try to tell the difference between "nothing" and a genuine emergency. Maybe there is still that underlying fear of giving mom covid, and as a result I've held off on many check-ups. 

Ugh this whole pandemic and dad dying has just crushed my mental health.