sorry for my english.

i don’t know what’s real anymore.
since so many loved ones left and used me, i don’t feel anything anymore.
i have had a boyfriend since one year (until yesterday) and i was very in love with him in the first months. and then there was this void again and i can’t do anything except drugs to feel anything. my rocd is telling me from time to time that i love someone else and my relationship is wrong, but there is this urge to be with him even though i can’t feel my emotions.
i thought i’m a borderline, so i should feel deep love for my partner, but i don’t and that makes me split very often.
yesterday night i woke up and hated him so much, that i broke up again. i don’t even know why.
i’m always so angry and rude towards him because i can’t stand the fact that he is doing so nice things for such a terrible person like me and i don’t want to hurt him anymore. i dont know if i try to flee from myself with being with him or with breaking up.
he is shattered everytime i break up and isn’t that enough reason to break up now and let him rescue?
i can’t feel anything. i’m caged in my depression and black thinking. my anorexia is getting worse and i live with him. i don’t know what to do. 
i think what’s happening is called splitting but isn’t it selfish to know that you will hurt the one you love again and again and again and not to break up because maybe it’s just splitting?
i’m so confused.