Im extremely tired but I just wont fall asleep until I get this post done so excuse me for any grammatical mistakes.

 So I feel like I've wasted to some point previous 5 years of my life. I kind of always thought that those things Im feeling are not real at all and In faking it just to feel special and different. It all started in middle school, I was 13 or 14, I dont remember exactly. First I started getting sad for no reason so I thought it was just mood swings. Well, later on, those epizodes of sadness turned out to be epizodes of sadness and lack of any need for any interaction with people and derealization.

 I have no idea how I developped all this back then. I see it all now but before, I'd been thinking Im faking it all, it's all normal and Im overthinking and exaggerating. I somehow learned to live with this constant feeling that I dont belong to this world and none of the things Im seeing right now are real, that people are not real and basically Im not even inside my own body, it all feels like a simulation. I also seem to have some kind of an eating disorder. I cant really understand what it is. When I am in the middle of this epizode of sadness, apathy and social anxiety I just either eat like A LOT so I binge or I dont eat at all or really small amounts of food just to somehow keep on breathing. 

It all seems to be connected. Everytime this epizode starts I just get sad for no reason, I am anxious way more than usually, I eat either too much or too little (but it was too little only once) and I seriously fear any social interaction (the only exception is my girlfriend who knows about all of this and she is really supportive). The only thing that seems to be constant is my derealization. I have no idea what kind of a disirder could this be. Im underage and I know the best option would be to ask a professional not reddit but in my country you cannot go to a therapist alone if you are underaged and Im just not ready to tell my parents about all that. The weird thing is those epizodes are not really chronic, I dont understand it, it's usually 1-2 months of overeating and all that and then 1 month of eating good, feeling relatively fine and getting sad only when I seriously have a reason but it all changes in weeks. It's not really that chronic except it tends to be stronger when the fall starts in september here and the  ut lasts for this 1-2 months and then disappears for a month or just few weeks and then it all changes and there isnt really a pattern I think. It seems like SAD because of this autumn thing but I dont know what to do.