Ever since I was a preteen girl, I have fallen in love with everyone I have ever dated, gone out with, or had sex with. Very rarely do those people love me back. The constant cycle of “I love you, I hate you, don’t leave me” is starting to kill me. Even when my feelings are reciprocated, I push people away. Not by isolating myself, but by pushing all of my affection on to them at once. 

I am addicted to love, and I can’t stop. I set myself up for heartbreak and put myself in situations that cause me to get hurt, over, and over, and over again. Everything always starts out so great, so perfect, until it inevitably comes clear that the person I am centering my life around is not capable of feeling the same way towards me. They never are, I make people feel suffocated, and held down. I hurt them. And it makes me want to die. 

I know in my heart that I have to break it off with these people, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Rather than just ripping the band aid off as soon as I realize it won’t work out, I let a pit of dread sit in my stomach for weeks, even months. My relationships either end in a firestorm of anger and jealousy, or they die a long, slow, painful death and either way, everyone involved is left feeling miserable. 

I don’t know what to do. I know that maybe if i’m lucky, my next favorite person will give me the innocent, gentle love I crave, rather than taking advantage of the vulnerable state I find myself in time and time again. Right now though, I just want it to end. I want to be numb. 

Has anyone else struggled with feelings such as these? The debilitating pain of knowing nobody has ever loved you quite the way you loved them? Does anyone know of a good coping mechanism for this? DBT has only gone so far, therapy hasn’t helped much with this particular aspect of my life either. It reached a breaking point tonight with the end of my most recent failed relationship, and i don’t know if I can handle this happening again