 this innocent conversation with my Mother  kinda made me relise things and triggered me and just need a place to vent. 


So I am having coffee at home with my Mother and the talk of relationships comes up, and my mother started talking about the men who would ask for her hand when she was younger,

 * I am middle eastern so back home in the villages men would go with their families to a woman's house and ask for her hand or permission to see their daughters, its a sign of respect, some still do this, and I have to admit I am all for it aswell* 


So anyway, she was telling me about how there were soo many suitors and my Mother would decline, she was absolutely stunning!! still is, and a good woman. As she was telling me I realised, Not once have I had a guy approach me and ask me for a coffee, or even tried to get my numer, or tried to get to know me NOT EVEN FLIRT!!  EVER!! Its always been me and always get a decline, like even talking to a guy for months or seeing them here and there at the same place, ill make an attempt, hey we should grab a coffee I get rejected. I have never been in a relationship, and never have had somone interested in me, People say maybe you standards are too high "going out of your league" I have gone for guys that are not good looking at all and even they have said no! or maybe you should make the first move, I do, and always get a big fat NO, excuse of, I am not interested. From primary school and all through High school and now I am 35. When girls sit  and talk about, omg he asked me out or when they say things like have you ever had a guy try to get into your privet messages on social media or random guys approach you for your number or guys they know ask them out, with me its like hmmmm, no 🤣 never had that sorry cant relate. I go out with friends and it will be a group of us, a group of guys will come and talk or just be a table away from where we are sitting,  I kid you not, I will laugh along and try to get in on the conversation its like I am a ghost, they will look and turn to continue conversation with the others or just completely disregard me like I am not there, so when that happens I end up just sitting on my phone doodeling till they leave and I dont even bother anymore cause its happened soo many times, I dont say anything cause I dont want to sound jealous cause I promise I am not. Like I said I never really thought about it I just used to brush it off and continue my day. I dont even know where I am going with this at this point I am rambling, just Feeling worthless and asking am I really that unworthy I cant be that ugly to the point where not even a simple interest in me. I see my friends, cousins just have men knocking on their doors to talk to them me but then again they are stunning girls, I dont blame the men wanting them over me, I wouldn't even pick me.