(16m) don’t have much to live for anymore. I’ve been suffering since around 8th grade, now i’m a junior and things have never been this bad. I have effectively no friends at school. i have literally no one that i talk to on a regular basis. its funny because the only reason i’m still alive right now is because of someone in the first period. she still waves hi to me everyday, we used to talk a lot last year. those waves have provided just the amount of serotonin i need to not hang myself. it’s weird but it’s what’s happening to me. i don’t deserve to be friends with her anyways. shes much too a nice and good person

its not like i can get more friends. everyone’s already in their cliques and it would be ackward to enter one now. Not to mention i have such bad social anxiety i can barely talk to anyone for sustained periods of time. and its my fault. im a boring miserable person so i don’t blame anyone for not wanting to be around me. 

all i ever have to do is homework. so much fucking homework i have no time for extracurriculars or projects. when i come home i have to listen to my parents argue and my mom badmouth and gossip on the phone all day. i can’t escape it. even if i did have friends im not allowed to go out with people my mom doesn’t directly know. i try everyday; whenever i can i clean the house and do chores and get good grades, but it’s never enough. one mistake and i’ll get ridiculed. 

i can’t get therapy or get medication, or even get diagnosed. otherwise my mom parents will think i’m possessed by some demon and they’ll force me to go to church and perform some weird task. in fact my church refused to hold processions for a member who killed themselves since they’re condemned to hell. 

i think i’ll be killling myself pretty soon. hanging from the tv stand. its the only place that is tall and stable enough to work