i’m such an idiot. when i spiral, instead of spiraling silently, i voice my concerns to other people. and now they think i’m incompetent. skip to the last two paragraphs for the main point.

i’ve probably ruined my reputation for my editor and my professor. my professor was literally like “do you have to be in this program? maybe you shouldn’t be.” that stings to hear when i’ve worked so hard to be accepted and funded to do this. 
i should have just stayed in the beat i was assigned, but by missing the sign up email, asking to change beats at orientation and approaching her after class today, she probably thinks i’m a total idiot. even the head editor said i should take an easier class first. but then the professors of that class waived me and said i already have enough experience to skip that easier class. 

so here i am. i should just keep my mouth shut and stop talking to people. my professor and editor wouldn’t think i was incompetent if i didn’t make a scene switching beats and voicing my concerns. 

i just don’t get how they can say i’m not ready when they know nothing about me. haven’t reviewed anything i’ve done. i wouldn’t have been accepted to the program or given full funding if i had nothing going for me.

now i have to take this class knowing both of them said i shouldn’t be here. i constantly am thinking about how i could have avoided this. it’s on a loop in my head. during orientation we were told to present ourselves professionally—i haven’t, i have just been a wreck. everyone can see it. my professor said i wasn’t ready for grad school. 

i’ve worked so hard to earn my spot. i need to shut down. stop involving people when i’m anxious. take what i’m given and don’t ask for anything. don’t tell anyone else my concerns. it only makes it worse. 

i shouldn’t rant to my friends so much. i’m a burden of negativity to them. the best thing i can do at this point is stop telling them about everything that goes wrong. just wait till they ask and be brief. i hate myself. i’m so toxic.