I'm 30 and I've dealt with depression since I was 15, that's half my life.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 23. I was on antidepressants for basically 4 years,  from 20- almost 24 and I HATE lexapro,  yet they keep putting me on it because "well it works so". No it doesn't work, it kills my sex drive,  makes me gain weight and is almost impossible to get off of. Once I was off I said never again. Ive been off antidepressants for 6 years.  NEVER AGAIN.  

I'm uninsured but when I went to my doctor last time, they did a depression screening,  know what I did? I lied. Because I'm not going back on lexapro.

Now I know I'm depressed...again.  I'm short tempered,  more irritable and very meh about everything. I basically feel numb. And drinking a lot more. 

Last week,  I was out with friends, my friends friend showed up.  For some reason she triggers me. I hate her. She makes sure I know that she's known everyone longer,  that I'm younger and generally hits my insecurities.  I have abandonment issues from separate shit but she triggers them for some reason. 

So what did I do? I drank,  alot.  I ended up going to a different bar across the street,  and left to come back by myself, tripped, and fell on my face on the side of the road. I was pretty beat up,  face, knees  and arms. I didn't care.  Everyone else was worried. 

Know what I said "to bad I didn't get hit" everyone thinks I'm joking but I wish I would have. I'm not suicidal,  but I also don't think it'd be the worst thing if I died.  

I have friends that REALLY care about me, my family besides my mom doesn't give a fuck, but I have good friends.  I've called them sobbing in the middle of the night (not regularly) and they talk me down.  They get me to chill. 

I don't know whats wrong with me! My stupid head. 

I just don't care anymore.