I just talked to a friend who i basically told i didnt want to talk to him anymore a little over a month ago. I was in a bad place then and couldnt handle the stress of how little he kept in touch with me/ i saw him. Ive recently been doing better and decided to try and apologize and fix things with him, only to realize that not only had i said some really hurtful things while we were drunk the night before i went no contact, but that ive been hurtful to him throughout our entire 3-year friendship. And for once i dont think im being too hard on myself when i say he was right and i fucked up big time. I know ive made him feel bad about himself, i was mean and harsh about his insecurities, ive accused him of being a bad friend. I did so many things i now see a lot more clearly and hate myself for doing especially to someone who i thought i cared so much about.

So now i feel like im a horrible person. That im abusive and toxic and im freaking out that im like that with all the other people in my life. I cant believe i didnt realize how awful id been to him. Im so stupid for thinking i helped him when he needed support or that i was a good friend to him. I was genuinely almost completely oblivious to all hed gone through being my friend. I hate myself so much right now and i dont even want things to be fixed anymore because i feel like losing him and freeing him from me would be a just punishment for what i did. I just dont know what to do.