Hey all, first time posting here.

For a while now, I have felt trapped in a loop when it comes to my mental health. I do better for a while - eat better, exercise more, overall more positive lifestyle - but it’s never sustainable. Something triggers my anxiety, I get really low, and bad habits come back. My latest attempt to break the cycle was CrossFit. I was really into it for a while, but then the anxiety spiked again, and now I’m just going through the motions. 

Some of it makes sense - I’m coming to the end of my MA, and trying to find a job in London. But even stuff that’s supposed to be fun sparks anxiety. I don’t read anymore, since my OCD made me try to remember every detail on the page. I can’t play one of my favourite games, Dead By Daylight, since I fear doing poorly as killer. Building and painting models also isn’t relaxing, since I fear ruining something. A lot of the time I just end up doing things that are ‘safe’ - not what I want to do, but don’t spark anxiety. 

I set myself a goal - a dumb goal, but a significant one - that I thought would show how I was living better. I feel further away from it than ever.

I don’t know whether to go back to the doctor to discuss my medication. My therapy finished a while ago, and I haven’t heard anything about being transferred. 

I just want to enjoy life. I’m scared I’ll look back as an old man, and feel I wasted my youth being anxious and scared.