TW talk of SH

I feel like I'm not real, but simultaneously I am extremely hyper aware of everything around me. I feel ok, but also completely not ok, and some how content. I relapsed recently into my SH, it had been months since the last time. It made me feel safe... I feel alone, even though I know I'm not, I know that I have so many people who would try to help me. I think I'm getting bad again, I was doing good for so long. And I had even told other people how good I was doing, but now I'm afraid if I tell them that I think I'm getting bad again. That they'll be so disappointed, and they'll just see me as a lost cause and abandon me. My mind just feels so heavy. I don't want to tell people, reaching out for help makes me feel so manipulative. I just want to not feel alone.