I just started to bawl while doing my makeup tonight. I don’t know if I’m tired or what. But maybe I do know? I think I might be pregnant? My fiancé and I have been speaking excitedly lately about how great having a child would be. And we... *did the do you do to make a child* , but unprotected. And I’m not entirely upset about it. We haven’t given each other the “yeah let’s do this” but both have heavily implied “kids are cool and if we make one, dope”.

But I think I’m fucking scared? I’m 22, I’m a college drop out, I’m visually disabled and I have to live at home right now to save money, and I work a crap coffee shop job. But if I am pregnant, I know in my soul I couldn’t do abortion. I support pro-choice, but I know I can’t make that choice. I want more than anything to be a Momma. To love a little bean more than anything in this world.

But I don’t have my own home, to share with my beloved. We don’t have a stable income and a nice bedroom for him/her and I don’t know how I could turn my life around in 9 months. 

But I might not even be pregnant. But I could be. But I’m terrified I’ll become my Mom or split on my child or have so many bad episodes that they experience, and I don’t want my child to see someone who needs to be an unwavering beam of support, be so unpredictable. I don’t want to fuck them up from that. I desperately want to recover and not hurt them. 

But yeah. I’m still crying. I think it’s because I want mini eggs but that means walking in -21c weather.  