Why do I even get up? It's pointless to work...

Oh right, I need to pay the bills sigh... 

Feed myself... 

And sleep again... 

&amp;#x200B;

I feel bad when I appear at work between 9-10am... I struggle so much to get up. People don't seem to understand the dark thoughts that are there in the morning... And it's not something you happily admit to either. Because I need the job. To exist somewhat, without it... And the thing is, when you get to work by that time.. You can feel the room just motioning to you, that you're the only one that gets to come in late. Why can't I be like the others? I feel so ashamed. I want to disappear. But work is giving me some structure to the day... because...

&amp;#x200B;

Like holidays. 2 weeks off?

&amp;#x200B;

I lost track of time and day. I get up at 2-3pm... It shifts during the week to get up at 7pm, and go to sleep at 6am... I'm a mess then. It's feels like just wasting time. 

&amp;#x200B;

It's lonely...

&amp;#x200B;

What do I even live for? I can't even plan things because I might feel good about it on the day I plan it, but when the day actually is there... I might feel so shit. I just want to cancel the plans too.