I've been laying around all day feeling feeling heavy and tired and a bit sad.

I've been 4 months clean from cutting until 1 week ago basicly. Prior to that the images of a real bad self harm incident bagne to form in head. Terrible plans of something that would satisfy me for sure. I found out in the end that i couldnt go through with that plan.
Instead of that big one.. I decided to make small cuts. Several a day.
I have 2 people i've told shit to, but they don't know this.
They don't know that I've started again and idk if they ever will.

Idk how long i can go like this but i found it being the only way bc I've reached out so many times to my friends or to therapists.
I've never gotten as much help from the therapists as i should've. For one reason or another I've been left alone. My bestie(the one that sees me everyday and needs to deal with my breakdowns) and i.

It got heavy for him to carry. The other person i tell shit to doesnt know what to do, and how to show that he cares.

I have isolated now. So tired of reaching out. Feeling like "can't someone reach out to me for once? SHOW that they care, except for my bestie. He's taken too much"
They probably won't, and knowing that i want to scream at every friend that ever said they loved me.

I'm so fucking lost.