i don’t know how to answer to the question “how are you?”

i don’t know how i am, i only know that i am not doing good. but what if i do tell people? it’s not like they don’t have problems of their own, and i’m sure they lie most of the time when asked how they are.

but i don’t want to lie, i don’t want to be put in this situation, although i know it is just so trivial and wouldn’t cause a problem if i just say that i am fine. each time i say i am fine, i feel worse, sometimes i feel so bad i can’t maintain eye contact with my reflection on the mirror. i just want to throw a fist at that mirror and run one of its broken pieces through my flesh.

it’s so obvious that people ask this question because it’s common courtesy, it’s not because they really care about my condition, but it throws me into a crisis every time i hear it.

i keep losing people who are concerned for me because they ask me this question too often. i make it clear that i don’t want to share my sorrows with them, it’s my sadness and i don’t want it to spread, i am constantly sad and angry at the world, they’re always bright, they shouldn’t be introduced to this darkness by me. if only they could stop putting me in positions where i have to lie for their sake.

some might think that i’m ungrateful, that i don’t even deserve someone to care for me if all i do is run away from them, and that’s exactly right.

this is not a cry for help, i just want to know if others feel the same way i do, it might be comforting. thank you for reading.