I'm aware of my disorder, for the most part but sometimes I feel like I could be delusional. 

I tend to think i'm lying about my disorder.

That it's not as severe..
but what if it's worse?

What if there are times when I'm blind to how abusive and callous and manipulative and awful I'm being?

...I could of hurt way more people than I give myself credit for.

What if the excess empathy I have is a ruse my brain played on me to save me from seeing how much of a monster I am?

What if my symptoms are severe when I believe I'm doing well? 

What if the love I feel for romantic partners is a lie and the only reason I want them in my life is because I'd be bored otherwise? 

Do I do nice things out of the kindness of my heart or because that's what I was taught? 

What if there's a mask under all the others I wear for the world? 

One I wear to shield me from.. me?

I know this doesn't make sense but I feel like there's no face underneath.

That if someone took enough time to rip them all off...

there'd be no ocean,

no solar system,

no galaxy; nothing. 

Im scared of my hollowness. 

I'm scared there's a chance that I could be oblivious to how much I actually hurt people. 

Existential life crises are a recurring thing for me but the level of disgust I feel in the pit of my stomach each time is something I'll never get used to. 
