It's something I didn't think much on. But whenever my dad was away she would make me sleep in the same bed as her and she would sometimes watch porn, and well, I do remembering her touching herself but I was too young to really think too much of it back then. She would also ask me to sit up and look and ask me questions but I only really remember her asking me how I thought a woman in the video looked but I can't remember how I answered. I should mention that she was drunk alot of the time, just in general not just during the nights in bed.

I'm almost 24 and she died recently, but this is something I have only ever really given though to now. I'm only just realizing how wrong it was. And I'm only just realizing how much it might of fucked me up.

No one else knows this, not my family or my friends or any of my exes or therapists and I have been open to most of them about everything else that has happened in my life. I know I need to talk to it about my therapist though If I can get the courage, it's fucking embarrassing. Why is this memory only resurfacing now?

I just hate my mom. And I'm just so fucking down all the time and especially lately I can not stop thinking about this. I keep trying to play games to distract myself but god damn it, Mom, why? And she was drunk all the time too, and controlling, and possessive, I just want her out of my head forever. I wish she died long long ago.