i hate how much of an issue money is. even if my mother reassures me that we aren't actually in need of money, she will say or do something right after that contradicts it. she'll show a paper of all the things i've bought that month / year exact. just show me out of nowhere and say nothing else. and this was something she never used to do until i started spending money on a collection. even before that money was always tight. not anything trouble some, but we were for sure much more cautious than the average family. i've always been envious of others and their view on spending money. how much less of an issue it is and how often i've been told that i'm a cheapskate lmao. my dads pay-checks were cut by around 20k after he moved back with mom and i after quarantine. and mom no longer has time to work because of the people we keep in contact with when it comes to clinical stuff need her and dad to stay home with me at all times. plus now the fact that we have to spend money on sleeping pills for me which costs so much. spent an additional $130 or something all on me because of stuff related to this. i like to thing the collection keeps me excited and i do have fun with it, but the money spent because of it makes me feel fucking terrible cause it's all because of me lmao. i'm trying desperately to resell things to make up for stuff i will pay / have paid for when it comes to my collection. i just feel really bad and troubled. my mom is a teacher and my dad is a journalist / editor. dad has always been our main source of income and he still is but now he works from home (his job is abroad) and mom's chance to work longer shifts for more money is also not an option. because of my age as well, i cannot work or earn money myself. i know it could be so much worse but the fact that money has always been something to worry about because of me really upsets me. even when a goal of mine is to get my social life back together i try avoiding it because im afraid that means i'll have to spend more money. sometimes i even get annoyed with my parents for it. that because of mom's job and dad working from home it's more of an issue than it has to be / once was. but i know they can't do anything about it. dad can't go back to working in person and my mom is practically forced to stay at home because of me. it sucks. i even have thoughts about to stealing. imagining what it would be like if i possibly created / joined scams or stole small things that could benefit us financially. sometimes the thoughts get more specific. and i'm afraid i will actually turn to steal things or just pick up whatever i find on the sidewalk or road instead of having to pay for anything myself. it's even worse knowing that my situation isn't even bad. at least my parents still get paid and afford food. at least i have a roof over my head. it makes me feel greedy and dramatic. though it feels as if i'm not willing to do whatever to earn / save money i'll have to turn to stealing or just completely give up. either on my collection or simply just stop giving a shit about money. spend whatever and have my parents constantly mad at me and remind me about how the money spent because of me. couldn't even tell my mom i wanted a $3 spoon without having a 10-15 minute discussion about it just to not buy it and leave the store upset at each other. it sucks but at the same time it could be so much worse right? maybe i shouldn't worry about money but then why are my parents so worried about it and policing it past a normal extent? why do i have to fear truly having no money left if my mom is insisted money isn't an issue. i'm just really upset and ashamed