   
I am not diagnosed and I don't ask for it. But I feel most understood in this community and I hope it's okay if I post here. Today I was in bed with my boyfriend and couldn't stop thinking about things that happened a few years ago. My father is bipolar, with his last psychosis before I moved out, he wanted to "save" my little sister from the "bad witches" (my mother and me) and broke into our house, I was scared to death, hid under the table and called the police - as so often because my mother never dared. The police took ages and he was taken away by ambulance but broke out of it and came back. I digress, sorry. In any case, he was in the clinic. My best friend was in the same clinic because she didn't want to live anymore. As well as my other sister, because in his manic phase my father got her a place because she cut herself. After visiting my friend and sister there, I saw a frog on the street and wanted to bring it back to the grass. But he jumped off my hand and was dead. That completely upset me and I was just crying. Somehow I couldn't stop thinking about this frog today. I lay silent the whole time next to my friend who asked me what was going on but I said everything was fine. I can't talk about things like that and I don't think he would care  and I don't have the right to be sad about such a small thing. He then said that he annoyed by my behavior and go home. That tore me out of my thoughts and I got angry and asked him to stay, but he left. After that I started to hit me and wrote him a bunch of mean messages. I smoked a cigarette and calmed down a bit, I think I just want to have sex right now and that someone is choking me. I just don't feel anything right now and I like that even less than crying all day. I don't know what I'm hoping for, sorry. English is not my mother tongue, I'm sorry.