I don’t feel like I’m getting better but rather worse. I’m trying to stay positive but it feels like things are falling apart all around me. I might just end up going to the hospital so I don’t hurt myself or I might change my mind and just do it. 
Also know that my partner (fp) is going to leave me sooner or later. It’s inevitable considering how badly I fuck up every single relationship in my life. I dont want to lose them but maybe it’s for the best. For their growth and mental health. I feel like I’m too toxic and I’m an overall shitty person and these people would be better if I weren’t in their lives. 
I’m scared I’ll come back from the hospital and he will be gone. 
It’s just never ending. Never gets better so I don’t want to hear that anymore. There’s no point