I want to die so badly. My FP is my ex and I have completely driven him away. We broke up mutually because of the daily fights and it also ended very badly but of course deep down I didn't want to at all. I just saw the rationality of it, everyone around him hates me, everyone around me hates him. I panicked immediately, I got him to talk to me, I wanted to say that I want him back, I tried expressing it without saying it directly to avoid being rejected, but he was firm...

At first I "threathened" with suicide, or at least implied it. I wanted him to care, I wanted him to come and rescue me. I didn't think rationally. I thought he would care. I thought he would come here and comfort me.

Then I kept texting him several times a day, even if he didn't respond. At first I acted as if I just wanted closure, which I believed was the case too. I don't manipulate on purpose. Even with the suicide, I genuinely wanted to commit suicide then. Afterwards when I've calmed down and go into "rational mode", I see how manipulative it can be and I hate myself for it.

So I got some sweet texts from him and he wished me luck.

Couple of days go by and I keep texting him. I pressure him to meet me up, so we can both get closure. He says we can meet up in a couple of weeks or so cause he needed some time alone now. I fear he will already have met someone new by then so I keep pressuring.

Eventually he tells me that he's not going to meet me at all anymore, and tells me to stop texting him...

I keep texting him, over and over again. I'm so panicked. It feels like I'm going to die. I can't live without him.

I try everything that has worked previously in getting him to respond, but every time he does respond it's just "Stop texting me", "I don't want to talk to you".

I can't stop texting. I text several times a day, and now I don't even get a "Stop texting me"... I hate myself, but I can't stop myself. All it takes is a moment of weakness and I have already pressed send. Most of the time I don't text him, even if I want to, but at least three times a day, for a minute or so, I'm so weak that I text him impulsively. I still have hope that we'll get back together.

I haven't eaten anything for weeks, I'm so depressed. I don't have a purpose to live without him. I realize now that I should have cherished our time together more. I wish I acted differently. Was kinder, more loving. Gave him more affection. Hugged him more.

I see him listening to "our songs" all the time. Before he got tired of me spamming him, he told me he still loves me, and wants to be with me, but that it will never work out.

I don't understand why he ignores me if he wants to be with me. It only makes me more confused and makes me try even harder. 

I just keep texting him whenever I'm too anxious to be strong enough to resist. It doesn't even take a minute and I've already texted him, there's no resisting...

I think he hates me now. I completely ruined whatever little hope there was left.

I feel crazy, and I'm going crazy too. He's my FP, I want him in my life. I miss him. I feel like dying without him. My life is worth nothing without him in it. I'm worth nothing without him. I love him so much. I feel like I can't breathe.

I know it only drives him further away, but I can't stop myself from texting him long paragraphs of how I feel and hoping he will want to rescue me from feeling this way...

I don't understand why he ignores me. I don't understand why he doesn't want to talk. I don't understand why he suddenly is so cold to me. Why doesn't he care. Why do I still have so much hope?

I've never felt this suicidal before. I just need him. My anxiety will go away if I just get him back.