before meeting my SO, I was hooking up with people from tinder. Many of the experiences left me feeling empty and not good enough. I know most people without BPD feel this way about tinder regardless, but of course these feelings were intensified and have stayed with me. Even into my relationship. 
We have been conducting a long distance relationship indefinitely because of the pandemic, so I haven’t seen him in a long time. Not seeing him physically has made me so insecure. I feel like I am not enough to get him off. 

The current state of events has left us both mentally exhausted of course,.A month ago he said he wasn’t really in the mood for this kind of stuff. But tonight I asked if he has gotten off lately.  He said yes. To porn. And I don’t know why but it made me extremely upset. Out of everything I send him, he chooses to just watch porn? And I thought he wasn’t in the mood for any of this either. 

He said it’s very thoughtless and he does it just because, but for me I take this stuff seriously. I love him and so whenever I do need to get off, I avoid porn and just think of him or look at things that he has sent me. But I guess he doesn’t do the same? It just makes me feel like how I did back then. Feel like I’m throwing myself at someone and at the end of the day I’m not attractive enough, or good enough all around. I know that he loves me very deeply. This is one thing I know for sure. So I need to get over this jealous tendency, but it’s eating me alive. 

I know all of this is completely irrational. I would appreciate hearing other people’s experiences.