So, I was in a relationship with a man for 8 years, and near the end of our relationship we mutually decided to have a baby.  I took this to mean a lifelong commitment, he apparently did not.

When our baby was about 6 months old, he began to disappear. He insisted he was not with other women, and I believed him, just wanted help and support with the baby. Meanwhile, he was romancing another woman so much that they got engaged he moved into her house (he is a deadbeat, no home of his own, no job, just looking for a woman to feed off of). 

I was devastated as only a person with BPD can be. He not only abandoned me, but our very family. And his family, whom I thought I'd grown close to, had also lied to me and taken in this new woman while I was home alone with our baby.

Over a year later, I've let him manipulate me into not having  a parenting plan, not having him pay child support, seeeing our child when he wants, etc. He is in control because I am afraid of losing him, even though I hate him. I hate him for cheating on me while I was at home taking care of our baby. I hate him for moving on with the woman he cheated with. I hate him so much, yet I love him and want him to take me back and so I don't file for child support, I don't impose a parenting plan because I need him to love me and care about me.

Anyway, this Christmas I put my foot down and said our son was spending the holiday with me. He bitched and moaned, but I held my ground. He only wants our child to show him off to his family, like he's a "good" dad, even though he's not. He has a Criminal Mistreatment felony for hitting his daughter, a rape charge, and just got a DUI (though he shoudl have many) and now he is spending time I granted him with our son, and still playing on my fucking emotions.

I texted him how my son was doing and he brushed me off, like, "I can't talk," and I am just full of fucking Borderline rage like HOW THE FUCK DARE YOU BRUSH ME OFF WHEN YOU ONLY HAVE OUR SON WITH YOU BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TAKEN YOU TO COURT YOU CHILD SUPPORT DODGING PIECE OF SHIT I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH WHY CAN'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME? YOU ONLY SAY IT TO CONTROL ME I HATE YOU WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU USED TO

His last text was a simple, "Well, talk to you later, Good night"

&amp;#x200B;

And I am so, so itching to text him a rant full of hatred and insults right now. I don't think I can control it.