Hi everyone, I'm in a really dark place right now. My fp has been stonewalling me since Tuesday evening and I don't think I have ever felt so triggered and so worthless. We have pretty much lived together for almost 10 months now but 2 weeks ago they walked out of my life after a misunderstanding and collected their things unexpectedly a week later. I asked if this was what they wanted (leaving) and they said it wasn't. In typical me fashion I have gone into a crazed spiral of calling and texting seemingly unable to just stop. I can't shake the abandonment anxiety at all, I have tried to turn my phone off but then I become anxious that someone may need to contact me or that I might miss my fp getting back to me. I have apologised and talked through the misunderstanding, I have asked them to let me know if they would like me to stop calling /texting, I have expressed how I feel about them.... I can't function right now. I can't get my head around why they have not just blocked my number, the calls ring out fully before going to voice mail. I really struggle to process situations like this, I function best when being a care giver and find it hard to give up on someone I care about even if it is detrimental to my own mental health. I have to go back to work tomorrow following a summer break and I honestly don't think I can, I can't sleep, I have bruises and cuts up my arm and thigh from sh, I haven't been able to get any of the work done I needed to... I feel like I am losing myself clinging to something that is not there. My fp is going through a lot right now with their own mh and I am scared for them, I just want to be there to help. I know things haven't always been easy between us but they are my world and I would do anything to make them happy even if that ment not having me in their life. I just need them to tell me to go away, to stop contacting them. Some sign that this is what they want.

I guess I just need to vent. I wish my brain didn't work this way, I wish I didn't fall so hard or so fast, this time I even tried to put boundaries up, to try not to label things, but the hurt is just the same.

I feel like maybe I am seeking closure that will never come. Maybe they will never even read those messages. Maybe they have someone else to comfort them. That if they didn't want for us to be over a week ago they definitely will now after seeing my issues in all their 50 missed calls and 20 messages  glory.

Why am I like this?