It hurts you guys. It hurts so so fucking badly.

I know that it’s very toxic and codependent to want someone to love you, but at the same time that’s a normal human desire.

And I’m slowly coming to the realization that my fiancé and partner of 12 years doesn’t love anymore.

And I’m so very devastated.

I’m trying to be strong. To say that I don’t need his approval and to say that I’ll be okay if I’m alone. I know i shouldn’t be codependent or giving ANYONE that much power over my heart and emotions.

But the truth is my heart is so utterly broken and torn to shreds as is my self-confidence.

I really loved this person with every fiber of my being. I relied on him so hard and I clung onto him for dear life. I was anticipating our future together and dreaming of the day when we’d be married and start our family together.

I’m trying to accept this new true reality where he is indifferent or either callous towards me.

That open intimate closeness we had no longer exists. He’s closed that door on me and my desperate foolish needy self wants to go to extreme measures to try to get him to care and want me.

That’s so toxic. I know. Thinking about self-harm, wishing I got ill, crying, driving off etc.

It’s so sad and pathetic. I feel sad a pathetic.

To be so desperate that I’d do crazy things in an attempt to get him to see me.

Isn’t it pathetic? I just can’t accept that he doesn’t love me anymore. I’d rather cause myself harm than accept that.

Self-love and not being codependent is very hard. So very hard.

I don’t know if I can do this you guys. I don’t know if I can be alone and be okay. I don’t know if I can let go with grace.

It hurts to be rejected. It hurts to be devalued. It hurts to be thrown away.