I am 18 years old and I have been struggling with depression since I was roughly 12. I am a senior in high school who has been procrastinating and putting off the SAT and college applications so long that now I fear I may never have a shot at higher education. My mother has become disabled of a sense in the past year and cannot work so I am paying for everything with the money I get from my basically full time job at my local Papa John’s and the money I receive from social security. It’s just barely enough. My partner of over a year has become extremely upset with me after they asked for a break and I responded by making a tinder account and when they found out they were not happy. I regret my actions and I just want our relationship to be happy but they have told me I am useless and pathetic and that there is no more trust. There is so much pressure in my life with no hope to alleviate it I just want to kill myself and be done with it all. I have the idea of duct taping a garden hose into the tailpipe of my car and feeding the other end of the hose through my passenger window, while I sit inside with the car running, poisoning myself and killing me. It seems the most effective and peaceful way to kill myself. I’m scared. I’m so exhausted and all I want is a break but I have no money, no hope for the future, and I feel so lonely like nobody cares about me trying to make a difference in my life. I feel like my partner doesn’t understand the depth of my mental illness and won’t give me a break for it, although now I am questioning if I even deserve to be happy and content with myself. I’m thinking of killing myself soon and I know it has to work because I am sick of this life.