I need some hell staying calm and not feeling negative. Please. I found out within the last week that I have BPD. My husband has been pushed due to me hurting him so bad emotionally. He had been staying at a friends since Monday night but he came home Friday, he said he wanted to be home. Today he put his wedding ring back on. When he came home Friday he snuggled me, he came to me, he held me my hand, he seemed so happy to be home. I felt like I was dreaming, like it wasn’t surreal. And then today by this afternoon I felt him withdraw again. Idk why, we didn’t fight. We have a tough day due to outside stuff but we handled it together which should bring people closer? But it didn’t. I also did talk to him about all the stuff I’ve been learning about BPD. He didn’t seem that engaged in the conversation. It felt like it was to much for him. Not that he said it was, maybe it’s just in my head. Idk. He’s undesirably not being to open with me. I know he is trying to protect his heart.

He went to work and not he’s not coming home, he staying with his friend again. He says he is sorry and that he isn’t ready to come home and that he is torn between his head and heart. 

What sucks is felt like he wouldn’t be coming home and I told myself it was the BPD and that everything would be ok. When he texted me that he wasn’t coming home my whole body started shaking. That’s the extent of any bad behavior outside of crying, I can’t stop crying right now. My mind keeps going back to him and I don’t understand what changed.  

I want to sleep tonight. I don’t want to be up all night. I want my heart to stop beating so fast. I want to stop
Focusing on him not being here. I want to stop thinking about him, trying to figure out “why”. What changed. What I did wrong to push him away. He isn’t here so I can’t figure it out without talking to him anyways.

I don’t want to get lost in negativity. But this is really hard on me. We all know that fear of abandonment is horrible and I feel really alone right now.

