Mindfulness has been pitched to me countless times and I've never been able to fully wrap my head around it. I think the autism and ADHD are making it harder than it already is, or isn't idk. I got into it in 2016 and definitely increased my awareness, I put intent behind most of what I say and do now. I've always been hyper aware of my surroundings. I'm aware of when my emotions start to get bad, I'm aware I need to not act or speak on them in the moment, but I inevitably do so. And I beat myself up over it, knowing I shouldn't. When does the awareness stop being judgmental? If I'm to be aware of my anger, that it will have negative outcomes, to attempt to control it..that, in and of itself, is being judgmental is it not? I'm judging the anger as bad, it needs to not be there. If not, why even try to pay attention to minimize it? 

Also, how is this awareness helpful at all? Before I was aware, I was at least happy and at peace with who I was even if I had inappropriate emotional reactions damaging my relationships..but I HAD relationships at least. Now, all thos awareness just makes me think/realize I'm such a piece of shit that I've lost all my confidence and I'm afraid to be myself or around anyone for their sake. When does the awareness turn nonjudgmental and start being a good thing that helps me? Or have I misunderstood mindfulness? My last therapist didnt even want to discuss why I was resistant to her mindfulness instructions, just said I refused to try then stopped trying herself while I was still trying to understand the concept the way she saw it. Though she also talked about how she usually turns away people she think might be BPD because they're so difficult to treat and she lacked the patience for it so...maybe she just wasn't a great therapist for me but still.

I marked this as venting because I asked a lot of questions, but I'm not seeking answers. Just want to chat about this enough to help me figure out where my wires aren't connected right. Mindfulness is supposedly such a great and effective thing for BPD, why am I having such difficulty with it? (Again, questions are mostly rhetorical)