i've been going to therapy for little over a year. 

healing and admitting you have issues is exhausting. Fighting to change these constant unhealthy cycles is even more exhausting. I am at a point where im writing suicide letters 1 by 1. Im constantly replaying scenarios in my head of how i think people would react if they found out i committed suicide and they all bring me to tears. I do not want to hurt anyone for my loss but i am so tired all the time. My life is quite literally perfect, i have friends who love me, a girlfriend that is so supportive, and my family is intact. My financial state is consistent and i am not struggling to feed or keep a roof over my head, and yet i always find myself wanting to end things for myself. I haven't showered in 3 days and i know that next week i will act as if this was absolutely nothing. When you lack love for yourself they say that you cannot love anyone else, that it's toxic and that it's detrimental to others and to yourself. Is it true that i've never loved anyone? how can i expect to ever love myself when i dont even know what that feels or looks like? It takes years to build that up and im  so tired, only 21 years and i already want to die. I actually can't believe that these feelings stem from not being properly taken care of as a child. It feels like such a small thing yet it has the biggest impact, leading right into adulthood. Im tired of trying to learn better, to be better for myself and for others im so so so so so tired i just want to be asleep forever and never experience this again.