Whenever I had a SO, I used to go through a cycle, and I had already gotten used to it: 

SO stops talking to me &gt; I stop talking to people for 8-12 months &gt; I suddenly feel crushingly alone &gt; Look for people to talk to online or irl &gt; Stick with 1 or 2 of them &gt; Fall in love with one of them &gt; Me and my BPD run it &gt; Cycle starts over

The thing is, I got a friend, a really good friend, that I had a crush on but has since told me he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me, but being so alone, so deprived of any contact with another person is what forces me to go and put myself out there to find potential romantic partners, which is something that terrifies me, but now that I have him, I feel so lonely, lonelier than ever before, and yet, I don’t feel desperate enough to force me to do something about it, and it’s killing me. 

I’ve started to have this feeling of emptiness when I wake up because I miss being hugged when I sleep, or just feel the warmth of another person, but the little interaction with this friend keeps me from going over the edge. 

I tried making a post here on the makenewfriends subreddit , but I ended up ghosting the one person I kinda had some chemistry with, because it felt… overwhelming, even though we didn’t even talk that much, but I just don't like talking to more than one person on a regular basis. 

I don’t know what to do, he’s really caring and sweet, so I don’t want to stop talking to him and he has done nothing but to look out for me and make sure I succeed, but I am also in pain for not having a SO, it’s been 3 years since I was with someone, and I really do miss it.

I’ve already failed him on multiple occasions, so if I disappear, I’ll feel I only used him and discarded him when I didn’t need him anymore. 

And cannot go and try to explain this to him, since it sounds (and tbh, is) pretty petty of me. I just don't know what to do