This argument has been made before, mostly by people who suffered as the result of the actions of people with BPD, that borderlines are just « psychopaths who cry ».

I’m a 20 year old male diagnosed with BPD. I feel like a bottomless black hole. I feel like an ocean of negativity, like an entity trapped inside a stranger’s body.

I feel like I’m forever trapped between « good and evil ». Like a invisible demon is on my shoulder, fighting a fading angel on my other shoulder. It pushes me to let the darkness flowing through me to take control, telling me that if I give in, I will feel powerful and invincible. It tells me that all I need to do is to let the hate that’s been building up inside of me for years take control.

I’ve given in on several occasions, letting the darkness take full control, turning me into a vengeful, unstoppable rage filled monster. 

When I’m engulfed in that state, I feel « alive », unburdened, powerful, free of all that’s human. 

In the middle of a splitting episode, usually following intense rejection from someone I love, I’d become extremely mean, aiming to hurt the person that I’d perceive as being the source of my pain and just unleash all my rage and hatred on them. Just extreme antisocial behavior, followed by intense shame and guilt and me wondering how I could be so evil.

It’s like it wasn’t me, or rather that it was a part of me that had been silent, immersed in the darkest parts of me for years. Despite the overwhelming sense of guilt that followed, it still felt like a release. The release of something horrible inside me.