im so mean. i don't understand how i live with myself I'm so mean i can't stand it. i know everyone with bpd isn't like this idk

i just cant stand how i treat people. if i don't obsess over u i don't really care about u. i hurt the people i care about -by being obsessed with them. being on that pedestal must be some insane ego rush i dont understand how people stand to be around me when i do this to them. i can say such hurtful things when I'm upset, i guess trying to prove i dont care or my emotions take over entirely and i say stuff so truly horrid, things i dont even really believe nd I'm somehow still incapable of properly understanding how those things affect others, because why would anything i do have any effect on them?? 

i don't understand how my brain still manages to convince myself I'm a victim too because just no. like no.

then when they leave and I'm somehow dumbfounded again . sometimes ill try to change— fuck i always want to change but often any little thing can set me off and remind me im always gonna be this way, i did what i did, whats the point i dont deserve to live anyway.

 i just cant stand this i know not every pwbpd is like emotionally abusive obviously but i don't really know where to talk about this I'm not in therapy anymore i don't talk to any of my friends about like myself and my problems (when i even talk to them.) idk 

tldr im abusive, i hurt people if i think they don't care, i cant make up for my actions, everytime i attempt change i remember a single action of mine n it sends me spiraling and then i just want to either die and i stay in bed for weeks or ill just try to weasel my way into talking to those I've abused again. sometimes both. its not ok. im evil.