I feel as I've gotten older I dont attach myself or idolize partners like I used to. In the past I would fall so hard. It's like I've become ashamed of that aspect since learning about it. Now i rarely let people in. I treat women like a number in an effort to keep them from getting too close (this doesent always have desired effect). If we do end up together and things get rough I leave. I never want to be viewed as that push you away pull you back type that i used to be. I'm ashamed of that but at the same time i hope they still think about me. It's like by ghosting them i hope i inflict some kind of pain so they can feel even half the emotion I do. 

That's not me getting better is it? It's just a different spectrum of manipulation