I just realized this weird habit/thing I have might be related to BPD. There are certain friends I get immediately attached to, everything they do is great and if it doesn't involve me, it feels like shit and I just wasn't worthy of their precious beautiful  time. BUT even though I love these friends more than anything else, I'm embarrassed to hang out with them because I feel my every move is up to their judgment, to see if I'm cool enough to be hanging out with them. It's exhausting too because I feel I have to put on a whole show or stunt when I'm with them to show that I'm cool and worthy too. So I isolate myself because I know anything I do could just never measure up. I have so much anxiety and nervousness hanging out with the friends I idealize. I'm cool with anyone else, though. But around the idealized person, I never eat for fear of anything wrong happening around that, I'm always careful with what I say and do.