I have a lot going on and I feel most of the big areas of my life are a disaster despite being involved in a lot of cool stuff. Let me just tell about what truly burdens my mind constantly:

My teen child

1. Is getting straight D's and C's in independent learning.  
2. constantly says he HATES being around me at home so much.
3. doesn't respect the rules (especially around screen time) in entirety but it has always been like that due to lack of consistency 

My partner (M)

1. is grieving the deaths of a parent (a year ago), uncle (3 months ago), and cousin (3 weeks ago).
2. has a (also male) best friend who he works with 35-45 hours a week then hangs out with on one or both weekend days
3. probably emotionally overwhelmed with me because every other weekend I feel compelled to cry or complain that we never go out or spend anytime outside the house, and the time we do spend at home is with TV, drinking or him sleeping (sleep is his escape mechanism as well, I've seen him sleep 14+ hours a day during visits with his hyperbolic mother). 

Myself

1. just started grad school full-time, I'm finishing all my assignments on time and getting good scores - BUT literally turning everything in 1 hour or less before it's and so disappointed that I am not doing all the reading.  I also got a part-time remote job through school that is very relevant to my field of study, and I start this week. My work and school are both online so I do both from home.
2. just started DBT Group this week and individual therapy to address BPD - yay, no complaints, and got diagnosis confirmation last week. i will get 3 hours of therapy activity per week for a year.
3. I handle most of the domestic labor for my house and pretty behind on it. I am the delegator and usually complete of all house related chores and no one takes any initiative to improve our home besides me. That is not hyperbolic. Even when work outside the home, I do all the laundry, cooking and cleaning. This is because my partner has generally worked longer hours than me outside the home, not saying it's a fair arrangement evenso.

Whew so basically after typing that and re-reading I see some boundary issues very clearly and I am about to drop a very self-centered statement but  **I am angry because every single person in my household has experienced loss and changes this past year but no one accommodates me when I have more on my plate!!** Fuck it's like BPD and my anger at patriarchy all in one. 

example: My partner got irritated because I didn't go to the laundromat to wash clothes and he had to....but I had been on meetings for my school and son's school, work and therapy for 7 hours with maybe thirty minute break in there. He always drops hints that he thinks I am just wasting my time at home or "whatever is going on" while he is working. Like last weekend when the discussion to spend time together started to break down, I mentioned a new restaurant I saw while driving that I hoped to take him to (as my retort to his "why go out when we spend so much time together at home"). He said "well I don't have time to drive around aimlessly, looking at restaurants!" LIKE WTF about my full-ass life says I have time to drive around aimlessly? that restaurant is next to my mailbox location. In that moment I saw all the little hints come together that he finds the way I spend my time useless, because labor done at home is devalued and all my labor (domestic, academic, monetary) takes place a home.

Everyone is grossed out because there are crumbs in the kitchen and bathroom smells like pee but I'm not the only one who eats, and as the only female in the house, I know my pee all goes in the toilet. When my cousin and step-grandparents died a few months ago, I got very little comfort from my partner and (not to be an ass) was quite a bit closer with them than he was to his uncle and cousin who just passed. It sounds horrible but in this moment it's a a vent. 

**Then again I know everything will get better as I learn the DBT therapy skills so this is just a rant, hence the venting flair. LOL.**

 **If i could cry and LOL at the same time I would, I feel nuts :(**