I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I remember feeling the physical symptoms as a child, the stomach / bowel movements and dry heaving that continued into part of my adolescence. I would bite my nails continuously, stopping for a few years but I’ve gone back to picking my skin lately. 

I worry about everything, and I hate it. I used to have pretty bad social anxiety, to the point where meeting more than one new person made me physically ill. Although I’ve never really had panic attacks, at least not the traditional way I’ve heard them described. When I do become especially anxious about something (usually about someone being unhappy with me / mad at me) it becomes incredibly debilitating and I feel like I want to die to make the emotional pain stop. I noticed a lot of my anxiety stems from a fear of being abandoned, ridiculed or rejected. I’m always afraid of getting yelled at or scolded for doing something wrong, and I avoid certain important conversations in fear of potential backlash. 

This makes it very difficult for me to trust or fully relax around anyone. I worry that the moment I stop “looking” for possible problems, one will take me by surprise. I hate it. It has affected all of my relationships (work, school, family, platonic, romantic). I don’t think people understand just how much it consumes me and how much I try not to let it bother me. I’m in a relationship right now and I’m constantly worrying about it ending, always seeking out words of comfort that can temporarily appease me. I don’t want to keep doing this. I’ve tried medication but it makes me very tired, so it’s difficult to function normally. 

I don’t know how to “self-soothe”. I’ve tried a few things but they haven’t really worked. I’m 24 years old and am now realizing how out of control it really is.