Just a bit of vent. No one else to vent to.
Amazing to think that I’ve lived this long, still on the thoughts everyday.
The feeling and thoughts of death seems to have gotten stronger in the last 10 years
Not going through with what goes on in my head due to family but lately it’s getting harder. 
I’ve become Self destructive and self sabotaging my own happiness. 
No support at home or anywhere else. Being 30 and I spend more time alone at home or just simply being my family’s punching bag and not wanting to do anything about it. 
Lost all interest in anything. Used to love video games- gone, movies-gone, cars- gone.
Feel like a empty shell that’s already dead inside. Working retail so I have to constantly keep a positive look. Work and family. Cant afford a therapist so Hi Reddit 😂
Money-barely scraping by. 
Car-dying.
2 hour drive to work and back- expensive.
Ex-alcoholic but slowly working it’s way back to me. Quit smoking-slowly coming back. 
My family seems to have a go see a therapist policy and not discussed again for sometime. Partner going through her own thing so she’s no help. 
I been thinking of pulling the steering wheel in heavy rain on a highway, but it seems like a boring way to go. 
120km/h on a highway in a storm on the daily and still here. I don’t go out of my way to find suicidal methods, just a issue of living and dying seems to blend in to one. 
Dead inside and still alive does make it seem like everything is pointless. Yet I go through the motion and trying to find something to enjoy. Maybe I’ll get a motorbike. That seems to help certain people.
End result will be the same, make money to live a mediocre life, pay the same bills, live on the same amount of money, live in a way to not burden anyone, just do as I’m told and find no motivation to do otherwise. 
Things don’t change for the better I’ve found in my case. I just look for the little things that still gives you even a slight happiness and hold on to it even if my mind will fight it, it will either end abruptly or it will end 50 years from now in a slow and agonising way of old age.