I feel rage and sadness. I want to stop my old patterns. I try to be self-aware of my thoughs and my actions. Then it got to me, right on my throat. 

They are looking and judging what I eat. Every dinner, someone say something to me before I even had a bite. I am now scared to even bring dinner. They talk to me about their shitty new diet. I understand that they find my weight triggering, I must be their example of a weak disregulated self.

The problem now is that I brought their eyes with me at home, each bite I take I feel ashamed and ugly. I know all the theory about bodyshaming and fatphobia and how to be fine with oneself. But it wont work, I don't believe it, my inner self know that I will never get any respect nor Love myself until I'm body fit. My doctor shamed me a few years ago, I can't even see her anymore. My mother, all the other girls. The laughter in the eyes of man. Even the little child in me is laughing at me.

How I am supposed to feel better ? Theres no escape, I have two choices; self harm by ignoring my healing journey or self harm until I'm thin enough. With a fk smile.