By which I mean finding themselves suddenly wanting to run away from the friends who are being openly supportive and showing very predictable and stable support/companionship and going out of their way to learn about the diagnosis to help, but obsessing over those who show incredible support at times, but are otherwise massively sporadic in their presence (rarely replying to messages, or just randomly not replying, but then being completely devoted at other times - yes I’m aware obsessing over this is part of BPD).

I’m struggling to understand why I’m doing this to myself. For context, the first example is someone I met at the beginning of the year who has become a very good friend of mine, and the second example is my ‘ex’ (I suddenly and impulsively broke up the relationship a year and a half ago and we’ve been backwards and forwards since. Still very much in love with each other, but there’s just baggage, and we haven’t quite found the balance yet). The unreliable, sporadic, hot and cold support/relationship I’m receiving from my ex leaves me so hurt, let down, feeling like a burden, panicking I’m being a burden/unfair for talking about what I’m dealing with - all of which I know are part and parcel of FOA and BPD. On the other hand, my friend is doing *everything* I could possibly need or want right now and I keep wanting to just shut them off and run away. They have done nothing wrong, they’re doing everything right but that almost makes me feel uncomfortable and scared. This wanting to run away only really began when I was diagnosed last week and has snowballed - prior to that I was so content and happy with our friendship and so invested in it. I’m desperately trying to keep it under control because I care about them so much, don’t want to hurt them, and know how much they care about me and how much of a *beautiful** person they really are but I feel so unsure of myself and I’m driving myself insane.

Edit: elaborated a bit 