When the pandemic first hit, I thought I'd take extra time I had from no longer commuting to better my life. I enrolled in a course.

I also took time to diet and exercise. I gained muscle, lost some weight and generally felt good.

Then I got super confident. I took a job that I wasn't prepared for. Signed a contract, moved into a new place. I even decided to shoot my shot with a someone I had a major crush on. We ended up having sex a few times but then I would shut down around them due to severe anxiety and they ended up ghosting me.

I was foolish enough to think they liked me a lot. And the ghosting left me in a major depression. I could no longer function at work, think clearly or concentrate for more than 10 mins. I was spiralling.

Ended up on meds. Then got laid off and now I'm unemployed. Constantly thinking about how I ruined everything by being overly confident.

I get flashbacks to awkward moments with my crush or to times at work when I didn't perform well. I cringe at the embarrassing things I said or did. My heart sinks and I feel terrible. I feel like a loser. A complete fool to believe I could do anything. 

I am no longer on meds, but I'm in therapy. I go regularly to help with BPD.

Time heals all. Hopefully things will get better on the work front. I'll maybe find love. Most times, I just want to smash my head in and die because I feel like a complete loser.