I think my idea that nothing matters was shallow before, because deep down I wanted to cry so loudly about how I wanted things to matter. I had things I clung to, I had weights to keep me grounded, I had a visor to keep my vision clear.

But now that I've lost all that, I think I'm learning to accept it. Nothing matters - and that's how it should be. Do whatever you feel, do everything to contradict those feelings, find something you want, let go of something you need - none of it truly matters, at least that's the conclusion I'm coming to.

Deep down I'm a spiteful person, there are many things I'd do just to prove something wrong - and now that I've gone through a little bit of shit, I can say that I'm no longer spiteful.

You don't need to provoke hate out of me - I literally already hate everything. I think these next few weeks or months or whatever is going to cement that and I'm not sure how it'll turn out.

But there's a new path for me now. I've loved and I've hated. I've only loved, but I haven't only hated. I think I will from now on.

My smile will be a mask and my determination will come from my hate. I hate life and I hate death, so I'll just do whatever the fuck happens in the moment.