Hello, this is my first post here. I do not have BPD but my significant other \*may\*. She has not been officially diagnosed but we have good reason to believe that she does. I've been seeing her off and on for about 3 years now. Our relationship started off very strong as if things were perfect, after about 6 months it's like a light switch flipped and she ended up ghosting me for a few weeks until I confronted her and broke up with her. later i found that she had started seeing someone else but I didn't know this at the time and I just thought that it wasn't meant to be and I moved on. 4 or so months later she came back into my life seems like we were just friends we started talking on the phone every day eventually I found out about the other guy in which she told me she wanted to leave him. after she did we started seeing each other again but she said she wanted to be single, that she had no idea who she was and that she had "chronically been in a relationship" for the past 10 or so years jumping from one person to the next. I was understanding and we continued to be friends but stopped seeing each other romanticly. Shortly after that in secret, she started seeing someone else I wouldn't find this out until later but I noticed at this time that she was distant and acting differently.  


Around this time February of this year or so I started to think that maybe something was up, I knew that her mother was diagnosed with bipolar and suggested that she may have bipolar/BPD. needless to say, she took this very poorly and was mad at me to suggest that something may be a-typical about her behavior. Fast-forward to June and she started to take a romantic interest in me again, and at this time I thought that she had been single and that she was ready for a relationship.  


we started taking things slow not to rush in again and things were great and we went on a trip in august and things exploded like she was so infatuated with me to the point of telling anyone who would listen. Because of covid concerns after we got back from our trip, I decided to quarantine at her place for two weeks, and then two weeks turned into a few months. her lease is up soon in February so we talked about moving in together with her current roommates. things were going great until the switch flipped again in mid-October, She had been seeing a psychiatrist for her ADHD who she had been emailing about her thoughts moods when her psychiatrist mentioned that she may have BPD and should seek a therapist.  


After doing hours of my own research I found that my story with hers lines up with many people's stories about being with someone with BPD, From idealizing/devaluing, the constant shifting of self-image, and the need to always be in a relationship so one and so forth. I brought all this up to her and told her how I have felt lied to not only about our relationship and others that she had been seeing but little white lies all over the place. That she has been gaslighting me to change and fit the narrative that she had been creating in her head.  


She mostly ignored me and got mad at me for suggesting these things painting herself as a victim in the situation. after taking enough I moved out and told her that I didn't want to speak for a while. I took some time to collect my thoughts and took a few weeks off from talking to her. I wrote some letters about how I felt and how our relationship was making me feel.   


when I started talking to her again she agreed that there was a problem and set up an appointment with a therapist. she told me she didn't want to lose me and that she still wants to be with me. we've been doing research together about how to handle our relationship and her first appointment is set for Dec 28th.  


things are looking up but I find my self always worried about the next time she devalues me and not being about to stop it, there are so many questions racing in my head about how to even conduct our relationship together without it ultimately self-destructing again.  


Finding myself in a position where I simply don't know how much of our relationship is something she wants vs the maladaptive defense to feelings of abandonment. I don't know if I am feeding into negative behavior by continuing to try and have a relationship together.   


I know that things can get better and that remission is possible, and we can have a long and healthy relationship but I don't know what to do while she working toward recovery or how to preserve our relationship.  


She's much more open now about how she feels and that she feels like she can tell me without sound like she's crazy but no matter what I know when things are bad for her it's impossible for her to see it any other way. and it feels like no matter what the bad times will come. at least until things get better.                              

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any advice on having a relationship with BPD, how to better understand her, or dealing with idolizing/devaluing would be nice. I really care about her and don't want to lose having her in my life and I know she feels the same way. Thanks