Hey guys. 

It's been almost two weeks since we last talked, thereby two weeks since I broke up with him, after a year and a half relationship.

There weren't a lot of issues - mainly those involving communication. He had a tendency to bottle things up and not let me know how he was feeling, and I could tell when he was holding things back. As time went on I would get increasingly more frustrated trying to get him to talk to me, and ultimately it would end up in a fight where I would yell at him for being dishonest and he would finally, finally talk to me about whatever had been going on.

He had a tendency to take out his frustration on me. Whenever he was tired, stressed out over an exam or homework, even upset that he had had a hard time in a video game, he would grow more and more frustrated and refuse my attempts to comfort him and start taking his anger verbally and passive-aggressively out on me. 

Of course it wasn't all him - otherwise I wouldn't be posting this in a BPD sub. I am a functioning borderline, most of the time. Over the past three years I have been practicing controlling my emotions, recognizing when I'm overreacting, and trying my best to change my responses to situations that are otherwise innocuous, yet detrimental to me. It has been a bumpy ride, and my relationship has gone along with it.

There were times when he lied to me, about things that I found extremely important, including building an emotional attachment to a coworker while we were long distance over summer, and lying to me about his actions. These, of course, triggered me completely, and for a few months I was incredibly difficult. I tried so hard not to let it affect him, because in my head at least it was my problem, because in a sense BPD is *my* problem, not his. But trying to control my emotions led me to attempting to avoid the truth - that in this situation, he had messed up, and I had a right to be upset. I started cutting again, feeling suicidal, and then winter break came and we were apart and for the first time in a while I felt so calm. Back to school, back to the same difficulties. Being around him reminded me of being rejected, of feeling inadequate because in my head he'd chosen someone else, and if he wanted there was nothing stopping him from doing it again and lying about it. 

I tried to trust him. I tried to let myself forget, because I thought that maybe it was something that could be moved on from. I read a lot of /r/relationships and /r/relationship_advice because it helps me keep my head on straight and recognize when, in parallel situations, I'm overreacting versus when how I am feeling is justified, and I was conflicted. I thought, maybe if I were just more normal, less afraid of him falling in love with someone else, I could move on, grow through it with him. But eventually it became resentment. I got angry at him and I got angry at myself because I thought it was a reflection of my self-esteem, of my own respect for myself.

But the core of our problem, the core of our relationship, wasn't my BPD. It wasn't my emotions, it wasn't me being crazy constantly because he understood and I tried so hard to keep that worst of it away from him, and for a year it worked fine. But once he broke my trust that was it. From there it disintegrated. 

Now I'm feeling alone. I miss him desperately, because he was my best friend. And now I find myself doing as much as I can not to be alone. I've spent more time with my friends in the past two weeks than I spent the entirety of the past two years. I go to the gym three days a week, I'm actually studying regularly for classes, and I'm doing my best not to get caught up in my emotions. I haven't texted him, haven't called him, haven't cut myself. I've cried myself to sleep a few times, sobbed about it all two or three times in the shower, and I guess it just feels a little overwhelming. 

I don't really know if I'm asking for advice or just ranting, but I'm hurting and I wanted to let it out to people who might understand a little better. I can't really talk to my friends about it because they don't understand, and I don't want them to know about my BPD. I prefer to keep it out of my relationships as much as possible, until the day when/if it becomes applicable to my friendships with them. I dislike being vulnerable to them. I don't want to cry in front of them. I prefer being the strong one, the one who gives good advice, not the person who is described by what goes on in her brain. 

Anyway, if you guys have any questions, or any applicable (or non-applicable) experiences you'd like to talk about, please respond. Let's talk.