(TW: mentions of selfharm)

A friend of mine texts me about something bad that happened to them. Like, something objectively traumatic. 



I stare at my phone for a few seconds. My whole body tenses. I write them that what happened to them was horrible and I feel sorry for them. My mind goes on a whole different track. In defense-mode. I get super angry. I'm not prepared for them to invalidate my experiences because they had it worse, no, it's already happening in my mind. And I get angry at my friend even though they have never invalidated me. I then proceed to get angry at myself for being so weak (I mean, they are strong, they have gone through so much shit alone, and I'm constantly complaining about insignificant stuff that happened in my childhood) and for making everything about me, even though I have never told anyone how I'm feeling in those moments. And I couldn't possible tell them. They would think I'm egoistic, that I don't care about them, or they would never open up to me again because they'd be afraid to trigger me. I have to punish myself for being so dramatic. But selfharm doesn't calm my racing thoughts. I put the blade away again and stare at the wound. It's not enough punishment, but I'm too weak and tired to continue. 



I clench my teeth and notice I've been shaking for 10 minutes now. Then I think about ranting to another friend. But no, with them, I have invalidated my own experiences often enough and they haven't done anything against it, simply because the didn't understand that I was trying to tell them that I have trauma. 



Another friend comes to my mind. They have similiar trauma. I could rant there, I'm sure they would understand. I ramble for 10 minutes before deleting my text and feeling ashamed. I would surely come off as a bad listener and a bad person in general if I told them what's bothering me. Or if I open up at all. I'm glad I haven't overshared to them yet. 



But I have overshared too much towards friend 1 and friend 2. It feels like a mistake to have ever opened up to anyone. I'm just making everything up. I notice that my head is hurting. It's been 45 minutes since friend 1's story triggered me. My body is still trembling. 


My mind wanders off to when I made two posts on reddit where my experiences got validated. But it doesn't feel like the people in the comments were honest with me. Surely they just had pity. I mean, in my posts, I practically begged for validation. So I got it. Doesn't feel honest at all. I'm so ashamed to have made those posts. 


My body's reaction confuses me, but it's weirdly calming in a way that tells me: Maybe it's a sign of trauma.


I get up to brush my teeth. It calms me down and I stop shaking. Feelings of being invalid rise up again instantly. My body's validating reaction is gone. I wish I wouldn't have calmed myself down.



My head isn't hurting anymore. I try to get some sleep. My thoughts clear. I realize something. 

In the past, people have looked down on me. So, I tried to make my friends look up to me. I tried to come off as a little distant, as strong, as intelligent, as mature. It gave me a weird but not long lasting high. 


Maybe it was the wrong way. I then tried to make people look down on me again. I said I'm stupid, I told vunerable things about me, I let my friends know how fearful I am. I felt the need to be protected and tried to seem cute and small again. I got clingy. It didn't work that often and it didn't hold long until the full capacity of my mental illness showed and it wasn't a cute, maybe worrying quirk anymore, it was just ugly. 


I've had this circle with every friend I've opened up to so far. 


For once, I just wish for someone to be on the same level as me. For someone to see me as me. Maybe then I would trust someone to not invalidate me. Maybe then I could fully open up. Maybe then I wouldn't get triggered by someone having it worse. God, I need someone like this in my life. Or maybe I have to be this person. Either feels impossible. I'm a compulsive liar. I don't know how to express vunerablity in an honest way. 

The people you've opened up to look down on you, my mind says. You can't be vunerable with them anymore, they are annoyed by all your whining, my mind convinces me.

You can't be vunerable with the friends that still think you're strong, my mind says. You would destroy their image of you and make them look down on you, my mind tells me and I believe it. 


The realization stabs me in the chest. I'm lonely again. I've always been lonely. No matter if I had friends or not. And I can't figure out how to change it.



It hurts.