"George" is a stand in for my ex fps actual name, Incase he ever stumbles on it. Some details are changed as well. 
"Jaxx" is a stand in for my fps ex, they were dating during the first part of the letter.
Also for context: I was not splitting when I wrote this, I've split on him before, but that time felt different; I believe it was acceptance, at that stage. 





"I'm tired and I've had a drink and I am definitely going to regret this deeply in the morning but I wanted to talk about it because it still fucking bothers me and it still fucking affects me.

George, I've wanted to stop being your friend since I split for the first time in 2021. Your love has always felt somewhat conditional, no matter what you said; and I've always assumed that feeling was my own insecurities tainting what I assumed to be precious and pure. I was okay with you venting, I was okay with staying up at night to keep you safe, I was okay with constantly feeling drained and fed up as long as it meant I was getting that little bit of attention from you. And I was content being all those things too, and I don't think you're a bad person but many things you've done since day 1 have felt off, like you didn't really care about how I felt and only played along so I would stay for whatever reason.

We are both flawed; deeply imperfect and most of all mentally ill.
And I was okay with that, even if small things irked me here and there. 
But things build up, as you know. It started with me getting you (game) and paying for a server and us only playing once with you often making excuses whenever I asked to play, or you dipping out of movie night for no reason, or disappearing for days as I begged you to say anything at all to confirm you're alive.

And then you'd disappear but be active on Twitter. Or I'd know you were talking to other people while not even shooting me a message to confirm you're alive. Or somewhat derailing the conversation when I was the one venting, even if unintentional. 

You never played (game I bought him). It's my favorite game. 

And then you started dating jaxx, and I would watch as kosmi would send me room notifications every night. you were using our streaming room with him, which would've been fine if it wasn't my only indecision of you being alive. 

I would often have to message jaxx to ask how you were doing, because you wouldn't answer me for months straight.

You would often tell me you thought that "giving me space" was the best idea when you were feeling like shit, when I'd repeatedly asked you to at least update me that you were alive every once in a while. 

The straw that broke the camel's back was, really, that night you came to me upset over your breakup with jaxx. 
I talked to him after, you know, I told him about how I felt and the repeated failed attempts of communicating with you. He felt the same. 
He also felt like he could fix it. 

You only came to me because you were upset. No other reason, you wanted comfort, and jaxx wasn't an option. So you came to me.

You never listened to me, or cared for me the same. And in that moment, I realized I didn't owe you anything at all; it still hurt, of course. It still hurts; but I didn't need to provide comfort, I didn't need to be your friend, friends listen to each other. Friends read the letters they've been sent the moment they're sent. 

Friends don't wait to be told to read those letters. 

You were good sometimes, and kind, and I don't regret our friendship. but you need to start listening to the needs of others too. You can't expect unconditional love while only loving conditionally. 

I'm not angry anymore, and I know I've wronged you too, and I am sorry for that.

The original first letter was drafted in early February, though I have been seeking advice about leaving you gently for months before that. I hope you know I still miss you, and our past friendship still affects me deeply. You were the first favorite person I had that reciprocated my feelings.
I still act like you sometimes, still copy the idealized image of you I have in my head, still miss George; but I deeply doubt I will ever choose to become friends with you again.
You changed the way I view friendships, the way I view home, in ways that are both good and bad.

I love you, and I hope I never have a friend like you again. 




Ps;

This letter was made a while ago, I don't know when, but now that I am writing this document again it is august 16th, 1142 at night. 
I know I was the one to leave, to abandon. But I have felt abandoned by you months before I decided to end it for good. they weren't just my insecurities either; you'd only ever show up to talk about you, or nox. I have since accepted that I'm only liked for the things I do, not the person I am, but it hurt regardless. 

I wish you happiness in life, knowing you would probably not archive that, with your stubborn refusal to change and put effort into things, putting effort into people. Life isn't good by any means, but you have to adapt and grow, something you are either incapable of doing or refuse to do; whichever one that is. Picking up the pieces and gluing them back together is something only you can do, something only you have to achieve; and relying on other people to do that for you will only end in misery for you and them: for you once they leave, and for them once they enter. I hope you understand. "