I'm not sure if this is from my bpd exactly, but more so as a result of it. 

I've done a lot of therapy and im mostly able to keep things in check, but before this I was a total mess. I did some stuff that's just shitty. Not to mention all the worry I caused people I loved. And sometimes I just remember those things and I feel gutily and then it starts to eat at me and the urge to go hurt myself gets strong. Because then I want feel the guilt anymore you know, I can focus on the feelings that causes. 

I wanna make it clear that im not going to hurt myself.  I just get the urge to when im like this, but I haven't acted on it in years.