I’ve had at least 3 panic attacks today alone because I keep convincing myself my FP hates me. Why? Because we haven’t talked in a few days. Why? Because he lives on another fucking continent and there’s a massive time difference between us plus he’s most definitely still jet lagged from his 30 hour flight back home and sleeping a lot.

But my stupid fucking brain has decided to make this a big fucking deal for literally no reason and now I’m crying on and off and having to stop myself from sending him 6000 messages on Facebook so I don’t drive him away for real.

I don’t give a shit about seeing anyone else. I just want him to talk to me. I swear if I wasn’t broke or my kid was older I’d be on a flight directly to him just so he could tell me in person that I’m being ridiculous and then show me how much he cares about me.

So yeah, haven’t felt this way in a while and definitely don’t miss it. Can it go now please?! I honestly think dying alone is preferable to the constant state of anxiety having a FP (and my partners ALWAYS end up being my FPs) puts me in. And when I inevitably ruin this somehow, probably because of all the anxiety/splitting to come, the absolute gut wrenching devastation is also gonna be super duper fun to deal with.