Hi, i'm 15 year old girl and a sophomore in highschool. I'm been struggling with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts since 6th grade but i've never been able to get the words out or communicate my struggles to family. There have been so many times where I've just randomly started crying in front of my parents and when they asked what's wrong, I just can't get the words out. I am genuinely unable to tell anyone how i'm actually feeling and it feels so isolating and embarrassing. I have no concept of what will happen in my future because I do not truly imagine myself living to graduate highschool or ever being happy at all. I feel so guilty all the time because I feel like I'm just convincing myself that I'm depressed when I'm actually not. I had a therapist a couple months ago but when I went, I just couldn't talk about my feelings. We just ended up small-talking for an hour every week. I get episodes of manic happiness sometimes and everytime it lasts around 10 minutes before I feel even more depressed than before. I get intrusive thoughts constantly convincing me that I'm going "crazy" and that I'm going to lose control of myself. I'm so scared of being annoying if I talk about how I'm feeling and I am truly convinced that no one in my life actually cares about me, I hate myself so much. I have no idea what to do or what's wrong with me and I don't want to live this this forever.