I have worked hard on my depression, anxiety, and communication skills for a couple years now. Overall I just try to be wholesome and optimistic. I'm now at a point where I am able to self-soothe and not degrade myself with abusive thoughts. I finally found a relationship that has improved me as a person and I want to be a positive impact for the other person as well. I think I'm starting to realize that I do not impact him in any other way besides entertainment and intimacy though. He's so well off and mentally healthy that there is no way I could ever help him. I have no traits to admire. Nothing to show for all my work. I believe that we communicate well and we both love each other (romantically maybe, but definitely as human beings), but I just feel disposable. Like there is someone out there who can communicate better than me, not let her emotions drive her so much, and also impact his life in the way he really cares (his career and success). He is extroverted, has many friends and people who would do anything for him, and I have nearly nobody because I pushed everyone away and isolated myself. I have some friends now, but I'm nobody's main source of relationship needs. I'm just an other.

We frequently play video games together to make up for the distance (different states). The distance isn't an issue since we are both focusing on our careers and are open minded. The issue is that we've run out of games we would both be interested in. I've never been too interested in FPS games or sci-fi, but he recommended we play all the Halo campaigns together. I would never play it alone, but I got a lot of joy from playing with him. I wasn't able to get into the story and at some point he realized this and said he didn't want to play the rest of the series with me. This is a game he loves, and I feel like I shit on it and made him feel bad about it. We had a visual novel lined up to play, but he said he didn't want to do that either and we should find something else - I told him this hurt but he did not reply in the moment. I've always felt like an idiot who can't comprehend anything and now I think he thinks that too. A year ago I would have been crying curled up in a ball by this, but for awhile now I feel like I've prepared myself for him to leave. I want to play these games and talk about the story with him, but I think he is now put off because I showed a major lack of comprehension and I've done so with other rpgs or mmos. I just feel rejected. Video games are how we connect, and we probably won't be doing that much anymore.