i’m such a crybaby because of this disorder. and i feel horribly guilty for being so irritable and sensitive all the time. i get pushed over the edge so easily and it sucks. i truly don’t know how anyone puts up with me.

i’ll literally sob if i don’t believe my boyfriend and i said goodbye to each other correctly even though i get to see him the next day. or i’ll cry and cry and cry if he forgets to call me. i’ll purposely stalk people we’ve had issues with in the past and i’ll cry endlessly about that. or i’ll read texts from nasty fights we had and dwell on it for several days. and paired with the irritability i realize how guilty i unintentionally must make him feel. i don’t know how he puts up with me.
i try not to bring it up and i try to manage keeping it in. but during the bad episodes it gets so difficult. i’ll start having meltdowns if im unable to do my makeup perfectly. i get so frustrated that i angry cry.

feelings like these make me wish i had a completely different brain, or that i could just remove myself from everyone’s lives. this feels like my longest episode, it’s been a few weeks and it just feels like i’ve plateaued, i feel so incredibly empty. and it makes it feel so right to relapse. sadly i’ve relapsed on SH, which is disappointing, but not nearly as disappointing as relapsing with xans would be for me.

anyway, i’m sorry for that long ramble. i just can’t wait to begin feeling normal again. need this episode to end even if it’s for a little.