I love sex, I really do. But I’ve noticed over time that I often have sex because it’s something to (pun intended) fill the emptiness I feel 24/7. Sex is great for me because I crave physical touch - it’s something that’s easy, and am able to focus on pleasing my partner. 

But lately, I sort of shut off. I dissociate in the middle of it sometimes. I get in my head, and I hate that it ruins the experience for me. I begin to worry about being used, not being as cared for as much as I think I may be. I worry that I’m just … there … the dissociation doesn’t help with that. It almost makes me not want to have sex ever again. But that won’t happen, because I’m also very impulsive with sex. It’s like I can’t say no - with the desired partner ofc. I just want to make them feel good. But I don’t even feel good cause my mind is somewhere else. I can’t cum as easily as I used to, which has impacted my self esteem quite a bit recently :/

Yesterday after my boyfriend and I had sex I felt so awful. I felt myself shutting down. He had an arm wrapped around me to cuddle, but I found myself sliding it off, putting my big T-shirt on, laying on the opposite side of the bed and just staring at the wall. He asked me if I was okay, but I couldn’t talk. I just cried onto his shoulder. He held me and asked me what was wrong, gently squeezing my hands, wiping away my tears, kissing my forehead. That all felt more intimate to me than the sex. Maybe that’s what I needed more than feeling bad about myself because I couldn’t/didn’t cum. 

After I calmed down I just told him that I get like that after sex sometimes. He was very very caring towards me. We cuddled in bed for a bit longer until I mentioned wanting to go for a walk. Before that happened, I sat in a hot shower, he on the tile just outside the shower, and kept one hand in for me to hold. It made me feel better :) but now I’m nervous thinking about how I should tell him about the dissociation/paranoia I experience during sex. I don’t know how to approach it, or if I should? I feel kind of embarrassed about it too since he has more sexual experience than me. I guess I’m just afraid and lost about this.