I haven't been properly diagnosed yet, as I'm currently in the search of a new therapist but I've been doing a lot of research into BPD and what I've been reading really clicks.

I check 6-7 of the 10 symptoms of BPD, and a lot of the feelings I've been reading about just feels right.

Obviously, I'm not going to around self diagnosing myself, but it just...makes sense.

I'm in a "rough patch" with my SO, whom I live with. She has been having a lot of problems with my behavior and how I speak to her. Personally, I don't think I'm doing what she says. This has been a massive shock to my ego, because I trust her and in confident she's not trying to gaslight me, but it also makes me feel like if she's right then I'm just a garbage human being and I can't change that.

I also suffer from extreme anxiety, and many times I will have massive panic attacks when confronted with these issues. My mind turns to mush, I cannot formulate thoughts, and I'll yell, be dramatic, and all around act like an unstable nutjob, or so it feels. 

She's tried to break up with me a few times in the last week or so because of my behavior and I've been able to convince her to stay with promises of being better, and getting therapy (which I am actively working toward), but then I'll say something or do something that will hurt her and start the whole cycle over again.

I'm not trying to manipulate, I mean everything I say when I promise these things, but the mistakes just happen. I feel like they're out of my control. My intention is never to hurt her, or invalidate her. I simply want to fix myself, and be the person that she deserves to be with. The things that I say are not said with malice, they're not said with spite. 

I'm just at a loss and I don't know what to do.

I'm love her and I'm afraid I'm going to lose her before I can get into therapy. 

I know there is not "right now" cure, especially considering I don't actually have a diagnosis.

What can I do? How do I fix this? I need help, and I'm trying to get it, but I don't want my relationship to fall apart before I do...