I am really, really poor and without health insurance (obamacare through the mail while moving has been an awful experience), so i haven't been able to go to a therapist even though I really need one. I knew I had something deeply wrong with myself. I started dating a girl who had been through some mentally tough times and she was able to see past my paranoia, my possessiveness, my jealousy, my abandonment issues and my anger issues... and detachment. She's really an amazing lady and she's been my inspiration to keep trying to better myself and control my outbursts to not  feel super embarrassed later on... and burn bridges... 

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I have BPD and i've been scouring the internet for personal accounts so I could really check to see if I had the same feelings or thoughts. It's made me feel a lot better knowing that there are other people going through the same things and that are able to conquer their demons and take control of their lives. 

I still have extreme emotions that I have to diffuse myself daily, but i'm getting better at it. I still have the anger that burns deep through my veins and makes me see red and want to just fuck everything up, including myself, but I've been able to channel it and distance myself until it starts subsiding and i've been able to break it down a little bit. I also cut myself if its a really bad outburst, just to distract my mind and focus on something. Its almost like the red hot feeling that builds inside of me gets released when I slowly drag the blade across my skin. I know it's not the best way to release the energy, but it's very controlled, very slow, very shallow, and helps me manage without involving anyone else in the matter. I hope that I will one day be able to not have to do that. Also I only cut a couple times a week, which is much better than ripping clothes up, smashing stuff, screaming, and clawing the skin off my face/legs/ arms. 

Anyway, I'm excited for the perspective that I will get as a part of the subreddit and I'm here for support if anyone needs it. I know I haven't been officially diagnosed, but all the signs are there. 