To be clear, not diagnosed with anything at the moment though I'm in therapy so tell me to go elsewhere if needed. I just needed to rant, I guess, and try to distract my mind from the almost overwhelming urge to take a bunch of asprin, vodka and cut. I don't want to die but I wouldn't be so bothered if I did. Nobody cares about me enough to be bothered by my loss for more than a few weeks then they'd be fine. My husband would be upset but I know that in time he would move on and find someone worthy of his love. I want that for him but I know I will never leave because I love him too much and couldn't survive without him anyway.

I'm so fucked up I think it would be a relief to be sectioned or go to hospital for a few weeks so that I didn't have to deal with reality.

Everything just sucks. I have a brilliant husband who looks after me and I know others would do anything for that so I hate myself for feeling so sad all of the time and wasting his life. I don't deserve to feel so bad. I beat myself up for everything a million times more than the normal person would and I just wish that it would all stop. I am so goddamn tired of everything. I never forget anything. Even something as stupid as near Christmas time I played a stupid prank on my friend and flicked her nose, forgetting she had been pierced recently, and it hurt her. She looked so angry that I was so paranoid she hated me. I still think about it now, knowing she must often think me selfish and stupid and not worth the effort. Everybody does.

All I do is let people down then they have enough and leave. It happens all of the time and I can't take it anymore.

I don't feel like my issues are real and bad enough to warrant me seeing a therapist and know everyone thinks I just need to get the fuck over it and stop attention seeking. I know they think that and it hurts because I'm not. I don't want to be this way, feeling anger so burning I can physically feel it and feel it is the only thing I will ever feel, go from loving to hating someone in two seconds flat and for the stupidest reasons, be so paranoid that everybody will leave that some days it is all I can do to get out of bed and I don't even always manage that. I have no idea who I am so I'll wear boots because I want to be a punk chick one day, I'll wear floral and pin my hair up because I want to be a vintage girl the next. I work so hard on my appearance in the vain hope that it detracts people from anything of substance but none of it means a goddamn thing to me.

I don't expect anybody to read this far and even if so, don't expect a reply because it is self-indulgent bullshit and I need to get the fuck over it. I guess I just hoped that because I can't handle calling someone for help that by writing out some of the things running through my mind here it would buy me enough time to calm down and not do something stupid.