I feel like it is dishonest not to tell them I am a complete fuck up who will care strongly in every direction imaginable. I wonder whether or how I will eventually become estranged from this new friend. The probability is, if we ever get close, I will be too intense for them, or lack a filter, or wildly magnify a disagreement. It feels like I am wearing a big cuddly mask and underneath is a soul sucking monster with venomous tentacles lashing out at the tiniest resistance. I keep the mask on firmly when times are chilled but it becomes harder and harder to keep the lid screwed down as the emotions swell and the stress accrues. It bursts off, then in one or two sentences or in a single act, I can alienate someone permanently. Even then it is not over for me. I have found myself sending a pleading, apologetic message out of the blue to people who have ignored me for months and years, and it brings out the shame and self-loathing all over again when it is (inevitably) returned with deafening silence. I feel sorry for people who want to be my friend.