The way BPD fucks with us is so awful, isn’t it? I was on top of the WORLD at work at first this morning. Some mix of a good sleep and confidence in my ability at work, definitely wearing the right outfit today, you know.. one of those rare days. 

Then, while working I was reminded of a project in which I feel like I under performed. No one has said anything bad about it, but I know I could have done way way better and I’m really worried that I let my company down and that everyone is secretly super mad at me for doing a shitty job (it’s set in stone now, and about to be shared with our whole organization along with other/better projects like it). 

And BOOM just like that my day is ruined. Since then, I have been dissociating HARD, super panicky, can’t focus, and my repetitive phrases are running through my head (I hate myself/ I wanna die/ everyone hates me/etc). 

So now I’m sitting here, writing this instead of working so I can have some glimmer of hope of getting back to a productive medium. 

The worst part is that it’s completely unpredictable weather or not this will send me into a tailspin for the rest of the week or if I’ll be fine in an hour. I WANT TO HAVE SOME CONSISTENCY FOR ONCE!! 

Thanks for reading, validation appreciated. Mostly I just wanted to vent. 