Hey, I recently received a diagnosis of BPD and it’s really shining a light onto my past and why it’s all been such mayhem. It’s comforting and sad at the same time to be making sense of it all finally...

(NB also diagnosed Bipolar2 but waiting for another psychiatric assessment to understand if this was a misdiagnosis or co-morbid factor...perhaps explains the ups and downs further if so. I’m not on medication.)

I know about splitting with people and can relate to that but one of the things I’m wondering is also BPD related is my tendency to get obsessed with a hobby/activity or even place; thinking this is what’s going to save me/make me feel whole again/ the missing piece to my puzzle.....I put my everything into it and then as quickly as it started, I turn on it and quit/run away!

It means I have had a very unstable life in terms of where I live, my jobs, my finances etc. There is no continuation of anything.

Does anyone else relate? 

An example with places:
I nearly bought a house in a random town recently which I fell in love with &amp; started spending some time in, and had all these fantasies of all the friends I would make but then suddenly it felt hostile and I realised how lonely I would be there, because surely no one would want to be friends with me....and I pulled out and retracted my offer &amp; haven’t even wanted to visit the town again since...

I also spent 2 years traveling the world on my own and would get to a place, absolutely love it, feel at home, but as soon as I started to get to know the place and people I would feel so self-conscious and socially anxious I would cut all ties and leave again. 

The things I am desperately seeking in friendship and connection are what I end up running away from! 

Bulimia followed me around on my travels because of the desperate loneliness I felt. 

An example with jobs: 
I put my everything into getting a great job, landed it and made a great first impression with my work, awesome co-workers, great company etc. Then after a couple of months despite getting really good feedback and obviously a valued member of the team, I get crippling anxiety about going into the office; feel super self conscious, have panic attacks on the way to work thinking today is the day I will get sacked. So I quit! (This was 5 yrs ago and I’ve only worked for myself since lol!) 

An example with passions:
I’ve been into yoga for years. At the beginning of last year during a good/stable patch I trained as a yoga teacher in India &amp; started doing some teaching when I got back to the UK. I practiced every day, it was my passion, I loved the philosophy etc. I go to classes to learn from other teachers. I was just starting to feel like a yoga teacher/part of the yoga community....Then I destabilize, stop teaching and I can’t bring myself to even get my mat out...for months 😔 The thought of bumping into someone I’ve thought or one of my teachers freaks me out because I feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself (perhaps partly because I’ve put on loads of weight recently too). 
I’m desperately hoping for this to come back because yoga felt like a life line for me. 

Actually this is the same with spirituality and health too (I also have bulimia)...I am either feeling very spiritual and healthy or completely disconnected and unhealthy. 

It seems to be that anytime I start to feel a part of a community...I get really anxious and run away... but at the same time I dream about connection and finding my tribe...! Always searching for somewhere to belong...but as soon as I find it...I freak out and I’m gone! I’ve just realised I’ve been chasing my tail my entire life!! 🙈🤦‍♀️🤣

Can anyone relate?! 

Is there any hope of settling down?! xx