I've been considering killing myself this week. I have a history of attempts and a handful of disorders that make my life just fucking difficult. I'm a new, first time mom (my boy is almost 9 months old). I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship but don't have the backbone to leave. I'm so overwhelmed with taking care of my baby and fighting with my boyfriend. There are guns in the house and twice this week, I locked myself in the room with one and just stared at. I think "This is it" and then just dissociate hardcore. My baby boy keeps me here but I feel like I'm gonna fuck him up if I stay alive or fuck him up by killing myself. I just get so flooded emotionally with any bit of conflict that I get sent into a rage that ends with me impulsively plotting to kill myself. I'm in weekly therapy and have been for years. I don't take medicine bc I'm breastfeeding. I'm just scared that I'm going to get upset enough and actually put the gun to my head and pull the trigger. I just don't want to deal with the stress of fighting and having no time to myself anymore. I can't support myself and feel stuck. I don't want to die, I just want peace.