I know this sounds mental but for years I’ve felt like all I really had going for me, like the reason people like me at all is only because I’m pretty and thin. Cuz I know I am a crazy mess. Yes I’m loving and warm and energetic and positive but deep down I know my value is based on my physical appeal to most friends/relationships. It’s just how the world works. I’ve also had trouble gaining weight for the past 4 years due to some health complications. 

Well last fall my psych put me on remeron and it made me want to sleep all the time and eat a bunch of pasta and sweets. Which didn’t help any of my issues. It made me feel completely disconnected from reality, agoraphobic, and extreme body dysmorphia issues now as I somehow gained 30 lbs in 3 months when I haven’t been able to gain even 10 pounds in 4 years. But it’s in all the wrong places. I don’t feel strong. At least before I was tiny and weak. Now I just feel gross. When I realized I’d gained weight and don’t fit in any of my clothes anymore it made me even more depressed when I already struggled with confidence and anxiety. Now my confidence in myself is gone. I’ve been eating the most strict diet but get such bad anxiety from looking in the mirror every day I just want to numb myself to everything. I’ve been taking a bunch of vitamins and trying to eat healthy but I feel physically exhausted, mentally disconnected, I feel like that medication absolutely destroyed me. 

I had kind of mostly rebuilt my life from my last suicide attempt in spring of 2019 but I ruined it over the last 4 months since I lost my job. I called out sick twice in a month and they were looking to fire people as patio season closed. So I just lost all my confidence and purpose. 

I cried so hard when I got let go and didn’t leave my bed for almost a week. I still can barely look at myself because it’s a reminder I was rejected and deemed unworthy by my employer which I was literally slaving over 40-50 hour weeks all summer to try to get some savings after losing my job when restaurants shut down and not receiving unemployment. I worked in the rain at night on the patio and didn’t complain. I worked 12 hour days without a break on my feet all day and didn’t complain. I never complained when I was in immense pain, I never was honest with anyone about how hard it all was for me. So when all my work wasn’t enough it just broke me. 

I was overdosing on the remeron cause it helped me sleep and disconnect from reality. I stopped going to classes. I started losing hair. I stopped going on walks and bike rides. It made me so much worse but I didn’t know how else to cope. When I get depressed all my good memories disappear and all I can think of is how much better everyone’s life would be if I was dead. So I’ve been acting as if I am going to die for months now. I ghosted all my friends. Some people still check in on me but I don’t blame people. I don’t think I’m the kind of person I want to be friends with right now. 

I’ve also had all my health issues for 4 years and no doctor has given me a solution or answer. So every time I eat or go to the bathroom for 4 years I have scary symptoms that aren’t normal that no one can explain. I eventually stop asking for help when people keep gaslighting me that my discomfort and pain isn’t real. I feel like I’m back at home with my bpd mom (because I am now, I had no more money or will to live so I came here), where I feel completely out of control (used to be of her emotions, now it’s my body and my emotions) and I’ve never seen her be so sincere in trying to help me. She’s scared. Shit, I’d be scared too. I haven’t recognized myself in the mirror for years. She’s miserable every day and I feel like I’m on a fast track to become just like her. It’s not like I wasn’t actively trying to help myself for a long time, I just couldn’t fucking take it anymore I guess. Trying to get better and never feeling good at all.