Hi all,

I'm here because I recently (about two weeks ago) ended a relationship that was short (3.5 months) but incredibly intense - both positively and negatively - and I've since come to believe that he has BPD. I research the disorder almost obsessively for the last week and I tell myself that I was lucky to have gotten away and that otherwise I would have been signing myself up for a miserable and difficult life, but I miss him so much and I'm constantly tempted to reach out, but I'm afraid that I don't understand this disorder enough and that I will just mess things up further if I do. I felt like he was a soulmate, but now I wonder if he was, because maybe he was just being a chameleon and adapting to what I said I liked and so it felt like we were more similar than we actually were.

I have a few questions for those that are experiences in relationships with people with BPD, but I want to give a few facts first. I am a woman of 38 and he is a man of 26, who has always been dating older women. I never dated men that much younger, but his energy felt really refreshing and he was incredibly open minded and mature for his age, or so it seemed in the beginning. When we met, we had the best deep conversations and physical intimacy. I truly felt like I had met my soulmate. Looking back, the red flags started fairly quickly, with him cheating (and then admitting it immediately and apologizing and feeling ashamed and promising it won't happen again), and also blowing up and becoming angry/distant over fairly small things, again apologizing the next day (as long as I handled it "right" in his opinion, which I did at that time, with a lot of patience and understanding and curiosity and loving boundaries). There was intense jealousy for no reason, constant changing of opinions in regards to what he wants etc. For example, I'm an alpha female, which he said turned him on and he acted as such, but at times, he would accuse me of "dominating him", either in conversations or by my behavior, which I thought was irrational and showed some conflict within him about what he actually wanted. 

There were other issues too.. I thought he might be somewhat addicted to porn and a little objectifying when it came to women, which I thought had to do with his age and growing up when porn was readily available. I watch it too so I don't find it to be a big issue, but he would start to show more interest in his "private" sex life than ours and that was hurtful and confusing since we've only been dating for 3 months and I felt like he was the center of my sexual world and the fact that I wasn't the center of his didn't feel good. He wanted us to talk about being non-monogamous and experimenting and I was open to it as well, but he seemed to want a freedom for himself and to control my behavior and would often become insecure and really anxious if we actually started planning something that we had talked about. Really, a lot of back and forth about a lot of issues and I was starting to feel like walking on eggshells.  

I thought that it was his youth and somewhat laughed it off and was happy to offer support, especially in the beginning, but I started having doubts the more it would happen and I would wonder how happy I could actually be with someone like him. He has been brought up very religious and has in the recent years denounced religion, which he feels torn about at times; his mom was sick throughout his childhood and had to be hospitalized for long periods of time and then there was his youth - so all of these factors made me have compassion for him and think that his anger/distancing came from a fear of abandonment, insecurities, shame or simply immaturity; and that we could talk through anything. Now, reading about BPD, I recognize a lot of the disorders characteristics in his behavior. But he never said he had it, nor did I suspect it until after we broke it off. That happened out of the blue, we were planning vacations together and talking about getting married (I asked that we don't even discuss it for a year in order to get to know each other better, to which he agreed, but we would none the less daydream about growing old together) and one night we had shared an intimate experience after which he turned cold and didn't want to touch me or look at me and kept attacking me verbally, telling me how he can't be with me and how I'm dominating and manipulative and I don't even remember all the things he said, but I do remember feeling really sad and thinking that I can't handle this, I need to be held and loved and he's attacking me for a reason that was completely in his head and I need to leave.

So I left the next morning and he seemed sad and said he didn't want me to leave like this. I read him an excerpt of my journal that stated how confusing and hurtful it felt to be with him and he was looking at the floor, looking sad, he said I was right but had no apologies nor explanation for what has happened. So I gave him a hug, he hugged me back and I left and he locked the door behind me and he hasn't contacted me since. I sent him a message right after New Year's to say that I'm grateful for the time we've spent together and that I love him and wish him a happy new year and he has blocked me on that platform and unfollowed me everywhere else.

I apologize for the long introduction, maybe it wasn't necessary, but I can't stop thinking about this. Since I realized that he may have BPD, I've felt really sad for him, for me, for the situation. I wonder - had I known and been prepared, would that have changed things? I think that it would. I think that I have a lot of compassion and that I can be understanding and handle someone like him lovingly. I want to call him and talk to him and hug him and tell him everything will be OK. But will it? Here are my questions...

1. For those of you loving someone with BPD, is it worth it? Is it fair of me to reach out to him and try to make things right if I am not sure that I can cope with this type of relationship? What if I want to be just friends and see if he goes to therapy and then down the road we can maybe be together again?
2. For those of you with BPD, how does he feel about me now, in your opinion? Has he possibly truly flipped the switch and is now demonizing me? I have a really hard time with this one. I was the "woman of his dreams" literally the night of the fight and now he's completely ignoring me and I'm blocked from seeing his profile and I've read that sometimes a person with BPD creates fictitious scenarios and false memories in order to get over someone. Did he already not like me so much anymore and was he looking for an exit strategy and then jumped on this one as soon as the opportunity arose and he's planning on never seeing me again anyway? How do I know if he is ignoring me because he's trying to forget me (because I hurt him or because he's trying to give me space since I'm the one who left or anything that leans towards still respecting and loving me) or because he really doesn't care anymore? Could we be friends again and what can I do to help that? Contact him and keep trying or don't contact him and let him reach out to me (if he does)?
3. The biggest question I have is this - what does it say about me that I was drawn to him? I've been aware of my clinginess and my anxious attachment to partners for a long time. I thought I'd healed. But I believe that I'm only attracted to someone who exhibits such signs themselves. I desire a healthy relationship but I'm not sure how to go about it. I've been in therapy before and I meditate daily for a few years now and I've done all sorts of empowerment classes. My friends all say that I'm stable and secure and that this "anxious attachment" thing is in my head and that having a healthy, fulfilling relationship is just a matter of the right guy showing up. But what if I'm only attracted to people who exhibit issues with their attachment style too, like people with BPD? Would it then be worth it to accept that and call this guy and do what I can to try and be together again? Do you have any recommendations for a support group or a forum or any advice that could be helpful?

Thank you for reading. I don't even know if all of this is appropriate of who I will reach, but I feel really hopeless and torn and will appreciate any kind of feedback that I can get. Thanks again.

 

  