before I go sorry about the long rant I just can't stop thinking about all this and im not suicidal anymore. at least not suicidal tendencies I think about it a lot. at work, home, by myself, and just randomly drift off as a thought when someone talking to me. the dark thought behind my mind. I just turned 19 a couple of months ago, and I've had the pain for a long time now especially now I'm seeing how my childhood was clearly.  I'm scared of new people, like deathly when I was growing up my mom always kept telling me stories on how people would hurt or kill others because they were different (I have High Functioning autism) and I guess that brainwashed me into thinking a lot of people were bad. this just makes me alone. I feel like I have no one in this world anymore. I'm too scared to connect with people outside of the internet.

 my past friends from school I basically lost contact with. mostly by my choice because I was being sexually harassed by them and they made me uncomfortable and some would hurt me emotionally and never care about what I thought. though the ones I loved and tried to talk to just disappeared.

 my brother in law has started to hit me when I talk over him or throw random stuff at me while I'm working because he finds it funny or I irritated him. granted I do throw stuff at him at work to but it's normal stuff that won't hurt like pillows or little dirtballs. but he throws rocks, bark, and all at me and it hurts. he also smacks me alongside my head when I get hyperfocused on a topic and accidentally cut him off. the rest of my family tells me to shut up stop talking about it or get visually annoyed. some people I talk to do this to me too and I just lose my motivation and just break down inside.

 earlier on, in my life, I was exploring my sexuality and my parents hated it when I found out I was bisexual to where we had constant arguments about it trying to make me kiss my friends if I was really into men saying I should stay clean. basically matching the "gay stereotype" and always invading my privacy shortly after and threatened to kick me out at a young age, they even sent me to my grandma's house for a whole week without my phone trying to convert me basically. i loved my grandma she was the only person who was with me when everyone was against me is what it felt like and she didn't care what I did, just as long as I was a good person she loved me for who I am. unfortunately, she passed a week before my birthday with a heart attack.

 I went through a guy and a girl relationship that played with my heart. the guy used me to explore his own sexuality and when he ended it he basically said "I should stop pretending that I like you" this was after roughly half a year of trying to help and take care of him and him doing the same to me. he started to get into drugs shortly after and that hurt me more to see him go down that path. the girl was just using me for sex, she got bored of me the day of valentines day and just told me she lost interest and I loved her with all my heart and grew a horribly strong attachment with her. after knowing her for 2 years roughly.

 I also feel like a loser and a disappointment and feel like I'm not living up to peoples expectations no matter how hard I try it feels like I just can't do it right. and it feels like I have no real guidance on how to do anything unless I actually bug someone to teach me but even then i still feel like I don't learn and disappoint everyone

I feel like I only have one person I can actually connect with but it feels like they're starting to lose interest in me. but I know and I hope that they're just really busy and want to spend time with their boyfriend. and I've been surrounded by death by a lot of my family members and just seeing it everywhere. and I can't stop thinking of offing myself and I'm just starting to become lonely and gloomy. this loneliness is just eating me up from the inside out and it's just getting stronger. same as all the built-up stress I have and the troubles I had with my past. it's starting to feel like too much and I'm breaking down and I cant cry anymore as much as I really want to. I didn't include everything about my life but I did with a good bit im just lost on what i can do