*see Boogie- Everything's for Sale opening track for title reference.*

I'm so tired. 

I'm so tired of flip flopping between how I feel and see things in my day to day. i'm so tired of picking one narrative, following it for a minute and then when my mood flips, completely 180ing on whatever it is I'm focused on. I'm so tired of deciding how I'm going to approach something i want to change in myself only to wake up the next day forget it all. I'm so tired of conjuring up ways to maybe remind myself these things, phone reminders, notes around the house, etc. only to later ignore them or get frustrated and destroy them. I'm tired of walking around with cuts on my arm because it's one of the only effective ways to be consistent with things, and even then it barely works once I get used to the feeling of the cut. 

I 'm so tired of screwing up my relationships with my family and (now down to 2) friends. I;m so tired of feeling like the people around me are surveying my mood constantly to ensure my safety. I'm tired of knowing that I've led these people to thinking I'm so far unstable that they need to walk on eggshells with me. I'm tired of my countless failed efforts at mending these relationships and proving that I am stable and okay enough. 

I'm so tired of being paranoid. I'm so tired of dreading work because I know I'm going to overwork myself again. I'm tied of over working myself because I don't feel like I'm doing good enough if I'm not. I'm tired of being paranoid that they're only giving me the job because they pity me. I'm tired of thinking they're just using me until the job is done and then they're going to fire me. I'm so tired of thinking people who choose to be around me only do out of pity. I'm so tired of feeling like my presence is a nuisance to everyone.

 I'm so tired of my thoughts being consumed with this, my mental health. I'm so tired of always wanting to talk about myself, trying to asses and adjust myself.  I'm so tired of thinking I need to always fix something within myself, sometimes changing one behaviour only to go back on it a few months later. 

&amp;#x200B;

All i want is to be content with the person that I am but is that too much to ask for?