I got stuck in a loop of splitting myself and my BF. I feel so inadequate cause I hurt him cause he hurt me and I defend myself on impulse. Since I feel bad about myself, I'm more vulnerable to rejection and my abandonment issues get crazy. So I screw up my relationship even more.

It gets to a point where he can't help me out because every good thing he does will be interpreted as pity or obligation towards me. Nothing will feel real or sincere. Cause there's no way on Earth he could love me. 

So I will end up discarding. 

I will start checking out of my relationship. I will try to evade the reality and my abandonment issues by feeling wanted and included even if the people I choose for that want me for the wrong reasons.

I'm not in control of my mind anymore. Even with medications and therapy. This makes me feel more hopeless.

I've told him as much. He knows what's coming. I hope he leaves before he gets more hurt. 😣

To revert this, I think he would need to love-bomb me constantly for a while until I start to believe that he loves me nonetheless. But this is not fair for him. And if I asked for it, then it wouldn't be real, so I wouldn't believe it. I hope deep inside myself that he saves us... magically, at this point.