Hello guys, I found out I have "borderline personality tendencies" a few years back . Dunno if it's only tendencies, feels like the whole deal honestly. At least lately, that is. Have been in various therapies for \~4 years. I started with psychoanalysis (didn't know at that time that I have BPD, I only knew something is up with me and I am a fan of psychoanalysis so I decided to go with it, even though it didn't help, I might actually say it made things worse for me - went there for 4-5 months). Then I switched to cognitive therapy and that stabilized me for a while, but I was still mostly feeling very bad. It's like no matter how good things were in my day to day life, I was always one step away from collapsing into a nightmare. In this therapy, that therapist at the time told me after talking and after a professional test, can't remember the name, that I MIGHT have BPD. I went and saw a psychiatrist for evaluation and the answer was that indeed I have BPD tendencies. I was recommended a humanist therapy, I chose transactional analysis as advised, switched therapist (according to the psychiatrist CBT is not so good for bpd, and indeed I felt extremely invalidated during that therapy, and despite learning many practical things that I applied today, I was biting my own teeth during the sessions because I didn't feel hear much of the time). So fast forward until today, I still do transactional analysis therapy. I also did a course of DBT that lasted 6 months. Recently, until the summer, things were going ok-ish, but my therapist was away on vacation, then I was away on vacation and to sum it up there are like 2 months since I have been in therapy. And here comes the problem. I feel so bad. Since around 1-2 weeks I just feel like I don't want to live anymore. It's not always, but it comes up way often. This didn't happen before, I would be feeling bad, but I dunno, not in this manner. Also, past 1.5 years I stopped seeing people, I don't go out with anybody because its overwhelming. I guess my question to you, if you have experienced this, why am I going towards the worst? Why after starting therapy, things aren't going for the better, but they go for the worse? And how much worse can this get? I legit feel like I am the end of my strenght and I cannot take this anymore. Last few months I started smoking weed again (after a long time of being sober) and I think this might play a role into it, but I did it because I felt so bad. Can someone advise me in any way? Thanks