any attempts to express myself are bullshit, weak imitations of feelings that can't be described. 

words are shit. i wanted to an artist my whole life, i think i wanted to find a way to express shit without using words. pretty noble goal, huh? what a fucking loser. i hate myself. 

had a good run, using words today. now its all just balls and fuck and shit. every day, all day, internal monologue of just no not words, just awful screaming, and fuck, and "i want to die" on loop in my own fucking voice inside my head, why my own voice? what the fuck is the voice inside? is that my soul? is my soul truly saying "i fucking want to kill myself". it's the only voice i hear, i guess it's me. strange to think my soul wants to die. is it my soul? or is it me? out of my control now. doesn't matter, nothing matters. 

i want to smash my face into my desk and scream until i throw up