I literally cannot afford to become manic, it could cost me my job. I took a leave for two months because of the depression it was horrendous. I worked really hard and changed my meds to get this fixed. I’m on lamictal and zyprexa to balance out the Wellbutrin and prozac. I trust my doctor, and we have a safety plan for the past four years- I call him if I get fewer than five hours of sleep two nights in a row.

My sleep is fine- eight hours plus each night. I spent more than I usually do last week, but it was planned purchases/necessary/not totally off the walls. Only unusual thing was a new fountain pen, but I’d been planning that for a long time after losing one of my two pens. First time buying one in eight years so I don’t think that’s too crazy, and I set and stuck to a budget when I totally could have wiped my account for my dream pen that was right there.

I’m not smoking a ton of weed, drinking, any risky behaviors. 

I can’t tell if I’m just over caffeinated and anxious about simply having a good day. Or getting manic again. Fuck. I hate this disease, it makes me fear happiness.