I decided that it's time to tell my story. Perhaps it will help others here. Perhaps it will just help me to vent about it. I used to be an EMT, then an ER Tech, and then an RN. Back in 2020 before covid hit I started seeing a counselor for depression, PTSD and alcohol abuse from all the shit I'd seen. After a few months we agreed that medication might be a good idea. During this time, my wife was pregnant, covid hit, and we were moving to a new state, living temporarily with my sister-in-law and her immunocompromised boyfriend.

My primary care doc at the VA prescribed Lexapro shortly after my son was born. You can guess what happened next. I had some kind of premonition; I was very reluctant to take it and even got a second opinion before starting it. But, the consensus was that it was a good choice.

I felt amazing for about 6 weeks. We had a newborn and I had no problems getting up to take care of him. I was up at 5am frying up ridiculous quantities of eggs and pancakes. I bought a new computer and workout equipment. I stayed up late playing games on "the night shift" with my baby. Then the trouble started.

I began having extreme hypersexuality. It was so intense it felt like I needed it like I needed breathing. I was having panic attacks when my needs weren't met. I signed up for porn sites and compulsively downloaded every video I had access to. I had online affairs, chasing after sexual connection like a junkie looking for a high. It was entirely unmanageable. After about 8-10 weeks I came off the lexapro but they symptoms only became a little less extreme.

My psychiatrist put me on lamotrigine instead, which helped for a time but only really took the edge off. I kept rationalizing what was happening to me; I was in a sexless marriage (and still am, it's been over 2 years now). I would say "Of \*course\* you're obsessed with sex. I think deep down I knew something was wrong, and my wife knew something was wrong, but we couldn't quite put a finger on it. My shrink had a suspicion about bipolar but she never actually made the leap.

During all of this I was fighting through a crucible of stress. I was a new nurse working an extremely difficult unit, during covid, with vulnerable people at home. We were house shopping in one of the most difficult markets in decades. I had a newborn. I was working nights. I had no friends in our new state (we moved to be closer to my wife's family).

The lamotrigine stopped working at some point and the hypersexuality came back full swing. Looking back at it now I was probably hypomanic to some degree or another for nearly a full year. In the end, I placed a camera where a camera didn't belong, and things blew up. I lost my job, I lost my nursing license, and we lost the house we were 2 weeks from closing on. My in-laws kicked me out, and I spent the summer semi-homeless going from airBNB to airBNB until my mother was able to help my wife and I purchase a condo.

In the days following the incident I checked myself in to a psychiatric facility and almost immediately was diagnosed as bipolar. It took a couple of tries but I'm on zyprexa and lamotrigine now and I feel pretty much "back to normal". Unfortunately, however, I was charged with a crime, and I've had it hanging over my head for over a year now. Next week, I am pleading guilty, and I am going to jail. The sentence is 9 months but hopefully I'll only serve 6. I'll also have 4 years of probation and I'll be required to register as a sex offender for 10 years.

Take your symptoms seriously, folks. I got into trouble because I kept rationalizing mine, and I didn't have the self-awareness or impulse control to stop myself from doing something monumentally stupid. I completely torpedoed my life, and that of my family. Because of this my wife is going to have to somehow cope with being a single parent. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to provide for them on the other side as a RSO with a criminal record. The future is more uncertain than ever. The good news, at least, is that my marriage is somehow intact. We've been working through things with a counselor to good effect, and in some ways we're stronger than ever. 

Anyway, I don't have much of a point to this except that I wanted to tell my story and remind people not to minimize things when you're having symptoms. It can get you into a world of hurt.