God, the year I’ve spent with him has been so torturous. Who’s more toxic for someone with BPD than a narcissist? I’ve tried forgiving for all the times he made fun of me. I know what he did to me will stay with me in my future relationships. It hurts to know someone as horrible as him has actually ruined me is such ways. The past few months, I can’t count the amount of times I said “I’m leaving you, I mean it this time”. I said that tonight for the last time, well I at least hope with all my heart. I don’t see marrying him or having children with him. When I see my future, it isn’t him. So why is it so damn hard to not go back? I want to love myself again.