Ive been trying to think about the positives and the negatives if I were to get this new job. Itll be in a new location. 


 But I can only envision it all the same.
Ill just be alone and unable to connect to people. Ill still struggle with getting work done and doing poorly on performance reviews. Itll be a continuation of being half alive, coaching myself how to act human.


I want the night to swallow me whole. I'm so so tired and sad and full of guilt. 
It doesn't matter. It never did. I wish I had the motivation and willpower to kill myself. My depression may be the only authentic part of who I am.