This could probably go to "offmychest" but since it's BPD related, thought I'd post it here. I don't really expect any responses (although they are welcome); I'm just processing my feelings out loud.

I have a reputation for "crying wolf." I realize now that the lies I've told in the past were to prevent (real or perceived) abandonment and/or rejection, or to get attention from someone I felt wasn't paying me the attention I desired (not necessarily the attention I deserved...I recognize, even then, that I'm not always the priority, and shouldn't be...but it didn't stop me from wanting to monopolize someone's attention at different times), or to try and divert attention away from either myself or things that were going on at the time. It took me a long time to understand why I was deceitful more than the average person (i.e., not just to "get out of trouble," like when you lie to your mom about breaking curfew, or to avoid hurting someone's feelings, like when you say that no, I didn't even notice that you'd gained weight). I'm grateful to getting it now, as it's the most valuable thing in helping me to not repeat the same mistakes.

But, now I feel guilty asking for help. It's like I feel that you get a finite amount of attention/assistance in a lifetime, and I've used most of mine up. Even attention for good things, I feel awkward accepting it, like I don't deserve it. When people say things like, "good job!" or "you're doing great!", I respond, if only in my head, with, "yeah, but it doesn't make up for the past." And I know it doesn't. I can't change the past, I can only look forward. I'm having trouble with the looking forward part.

Understandably, most people don't believe me, when I ask for help or just in general. Not just what I say, but they don't believe I'm really improving. They can see it, but I guess they think it's just an act. I know it will take time to regain trust, and I'm trying not to be impatient. I just wish I knew approximately how much time, or if it's even possible. If I knew an end date, I'd have something to look forward to, and if I knew that no matter what I do, they will never trust me...it's not that I'd stop trying, because I need to do this for myself, and me doing the right thing will help to foster new, healthy relationships, even if the old ones are permanently ruined. But, because obviously I have a fear of rejection, I hate the thought of probably years of work into a relationship that will ultimately not be able to be repaired. That's a risk I have to take, and even if the relationship fails, the work I put in has to make a difference in my journey to being better. Logically, I know all this and that I have to move forward either way. I just wish I knew who was moving forward with me, and who was bailing for good. 

I'm facing some difficult decisions and circumstances, and no matter what any decisions end up being, difficult times will follow. The situations really have nothing to do with BPD, other than maybe I wouldn't be faced with them had I not made certain choices while I was in the last major BPD episode, before I was diagnosed and started to get real help and do real work. But, these decisions/circumstances are things people who don't have a mental illness face all the time. Any "normal" person going through these things would probably struggle, and reach out to their support network for advice and assistance.

I'm having trouble with this, though. I feel guilty for being in a difficult situation, like people (myself included) think, "Do you not have enough problems, that you had to add this on, too?" I feel guilty for asking for help or expecting trust, as again, I don't think I deserve it. I feel anxious asking for these things, because I fear the rejection that would occur if people don't want to offer help or trust (either because they don't believe I really need it, or they just don't feel like they can be around me at all; that I'm a toxic person). I fear judgment for whatever decisions I make...if they disagree, it's not seen as a difference in opinion; it's seen as I can't be rational because of my BPD. 

I feel guilty for feeling guilty...I know I shouldn't be ashamed for asking for help, and I know situations like these can happen to anyone - why can't I accept that? And when I express my guilt or fears or emotions, I sometimes receive responses that I'm making these emotions (if not the situations themselves) up, to illicit sympathy or manipulate people into helping me...or, even if it's truly happening, and even if it's understandable that I feel these emotions, I should have to go about it the hardest way, because that's what I deserve due to my behavior in the past. Basically that I have to suffer now to make up for the suffering I've caused others. I don't always disagree with this line of thinking, and that makes me feel bad, too - why can't I convince myself that I deserve something better? Why can't I think more highly of myself? But, if I am able to muster up the belief that this is a wrong way to treat someone (even if I don't say it, just think it...although I've said it, too), I feel guilty for having the audacity to suggest I deserve something better...that I cannot be a victim now when I've victimized others in the past. I'm not being sarcastic with any of this; I'm not saying "poor me"...these are just all the levels of guilt and emotions I feel.

I guess ultimately, I'm saying that if you make the mistake of crying wolf repeatedly, and then the wolf really does come...it's understandable that no one will want to help you. But it doesn't lessen the fear and pain that occurs when the wolf attacks you, and he will. In fact, it's more painful. You know that you may not have been able to prevent or predict the wolf coming for you, but as far as not receiving the reactions from others that would normally be expected - you did that to yourself. And, maybe the wolf preys on you in particular, because he's not worried about someone coming to your rescue...and the fact that you made yourself vulnerable in that way, that's your doing, too. No matter what, when he ultimately kills your sheep - and eventually, you - the pain is very real, and as intense (or more so) than anyone else would experience. I'm frightened of this wolf, and wonder if I'll ever be deserving of and have a savior again.

In other news, this was not a great week for my therapist to go on vacation.

Edit: typos