In the past week, repressed memories of child abuse came back up and I’m seeing how it’s impacted how I behave today. Coming to terms with the abuse I was put through as a child through adulthood and how it was not ok at all, and no one was there to help me. I literally shoved these memories down so deep and as a result have had trauma based reactions to everything. I was abused and was told it never happened over and over again by my parents that I shoved it so deep down and now it’s all coming back up and all I feel is pain. It did happen. My parents abused me. I have to reparent myself, fix my brain and I am in recovery. I am a survivor of neglect and abuse and it was NOT my fault. To this day, my parents will tell me I deserved the abuse. Abuse one day, gifts the next. The cycle continues for 24 years, but it ends now. I am going to heal and grow and change my entire life. Every day I will need to work against every instinct and impulse I have to create a new life. It will be really painful and I will have the urge to self destruct but I hit rock bottom a few days ago. Was ready to kill myself and I never want to feel that again. I am uncomfortable, I am anxious, I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin but I will sit here and feel it because that’s the first step to healing.