I honestly never thought the day would come. I haven't wanted to live since I was 15, but I've been too chicken shit to actually do anything about it. I just thought I'd suffer this meandering meaningless existence until either accident, illness, or natural cause.

But then I read what was intended to be a positive [inspirational post](https://i.imgur.com/omWHnyH.jpg) from someone I follow on Instagram, someone who is working on their own mental health. The parts that spoke to me most were: *"If you choose to stay in a toxic environment, you become toxic too." "In a twisted masochist way, [you] are drawn to people with similar negative energy."*

Well, I didn't choose this environment. I didn't even choose to be born here, let alone with my mental deficiencies. I didn't choose to be surrounded by the incompetent hypocritical parasites that are the human race.

It's true. I realized I have become everything I hate about the world. I'm everything I never wanted to be. I'm a bitter man and a fool. I've lost my compassion, my empathy, my will to make things better for myself. 

And it's too late for me. I'm dug-in

*"So break the circle now [...] This way the next generation won't need healing from you."*

How quite right...


I suppose, in a twisted way, the post did positively inspire me. I no longer worry that I will suffer meandering nothingness for an undetermined amount of time.

I would feel guilty ending things before my poor grandmother passes. She doesn't have much time left, and I'd hate to put her through so much more sorrow than I already have. I guess that's the last gleam of light left inside me. I'll try to make her life as comfortable and pleasant as I'm able until she leaves me. Beyond that.... This world and these people have inflicted enough damage on me. I won't pass that on to anybody else.