I feel like I've been given false hopes. Got my hopes up, finally happy, only to be crushed the next day.

(One morning got news that my grandma is cleared to go home from the ICU, the next morning I got news that she got covid and moved to another ICU just for covid patients. Mom finally got an organ donor, everything was already lined up and ready to go, donor pulled out last minute.)

I'm tired, so tired. I was raised in a broken home. Although my parents stayed together, they fought everyday, they screamed at each other, there wasn't a day where I don't hear the word "divorce" during my days junior high. My dad died when I was in high school. 2 years after he died, one of my mom's organ failed and she needs a donor, and while waiting for a donor, she needs to get treatment at the hospital regularly, and it isn't cheap. I had to sacrifice my dreams. Switch for a cheaper major in university. Juggle between classes and taking care of my mom. Graduated last year, applied for jobs, got accepted to none. I'm a failure. And now, money is running out. I know money isn't everything but you can't deny we need it to live. Isn't it enough already? I can't take it anymore. A few days ago there was a thunderstorm one evening, I stood still under the rain on the balcony, I remembered thinking that it wouldn't be so bad to be struck by lightning. My boyfriend spend the night yesterday. I fell a sleep with him holding me tight from behind. I know my mom and siblings are sleepong in their bedrooms. Even if it's just for a short period of time, I felt content at that moment. I just want time to stop. I thought I could die at that moment. The stress, the problems, the struggles. Why? When will these trials and tribulations stop? Haven't I suffered enough? Why live just to suffer?