Not just late at night but also in the wee hours of the morning. I get so extremely lonely and think obsessively about my boyfriend while he sleeps (we've been long-distance for 5 years). It's been like this ever since we've been together. I'm a night owl so I always get pretty sad when he goes to bed before me. Then, to comfort myself, I helplessly scroll through his photos and fantasize about being with him. I crave so much of his affection and attention. I crave the kind of romance you experience in a brand new relationship. He is romantic in some little ways, keeping in mind how limited our options are, but I feel like I need more.

Note that when I mention "romance", I also mean his perception of me. I feel like I almost want to control how he sees me. I want him to basically put me on the same pedestal I've placed him on all this time (when I'm not devaluing him during splitting). I want him to think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world and find me irresistible. I typically don't even feel pretty enough to get on video calls with him if I'm not at least wearing winged eyeliner, which, in my opinion, brings out my eyes and makes a huge difference in my appearance. I'm also insecure about my voice, and I consciously make sure my throat is cleared before I talk to him and even alter my voice to sound more "feminine" and "soft".

Unfortunately (or fortunately), he's the more honest type, so he doesn't lie to me and tell me he thinks I'm the prettiest or hottest girl to him. He simply says something like "I love you for you" or "you treat me better than anyone else has, and that's better than looks can do." Don't get me wrong, those are sweet things to say, and I'm glad he's not a shallow jerk, but this is the one thing I kind of wish he'd lie to me about. Otherwise, I don't know if I'll ever get over feeling like I'm not naturally attractive enough to compete with other girls for his admiration. I worry that he'll wake up next to me one day and think about how ugly I am. I can barely even stand to watch a movie with him where there are attractive women because I end up thinking that he's secretly enjoying the view and it kills me a little bit inside.

Anyone else experience this or have advice? This sucks, man.