Hello everyone! For the sake of anonymity you can call me Rose.

I stumbled upon this subreddit today, and have no idea why it took me this long to consider the fact that there may be a subreddit dedicated to the topic of Borderline personality disorder.

 I have been struggling with what was initially diagnosed as depression, and this year BPD (after an extensive psychiatric evaluation) for about 13 years now. I'll chalk it up to mental illness for 13 years as the professional BPD diagnoses came only six months ago.

 I have.. attempted suicide *probably* more times than I am years old, and although they were not the most grandiose of attempts, it was met with severe and surgery inclusive self harming that provoked my personality disorder like a downhill snowball; with more size and velocity as time passed.

 For the longest time, I felt that due to the numerous varients of SSRI's and mood stabilizers I was prescribed throughout the years and had no success on, I was bound to continue this whirlwind cycle of built up emotions -&gt; selfharm and/or attempting suicide -&gt; hospitalization -&gt; weight of relief for having done *something* about the circling thoughts and emotions bubbling in my head like popcorn. This process, though attempts of relief, provided no solice nor a positive outcome resulting in any progress made towards a functioning life.

 This sounds like something out of a fictional story, but if I had never attempted to commit suicide *and survived* this last time, 6 months ago, I truly believe I never would have had the epiphany of trying intentionally to get better.

 I thought, for the longest time, I would be able to live a good life, but not a great one, due to the intensity and vacancy my illness holds on me. That was, until I finally found something that works for me. Now this works for me currently, and has been since the incident six months ago, and I know there is a great possibilitt it won't help forever and I will continually be updating, changing and attempting different options to achieve a balance for me. But I am hopeful more than ever now, *because* I have felt stable and optimistic due to a treatment that I found, after countless trial and errors with medication, therapy, diets, and job changes. 

 For those of you still reading and struggling with the idea that there is hope, and there is a future for you that doesn't include the intense breakdowns and confusion over the validity of your emotions, you can do this. We all know it is a long, and dark and hard path ahead, but I have every faith in you, that you **will** find your balance.

Tldr; I struggled for over 13 years with mental illness and countless trials of medication &amp; therapy. Lost hope, had a near death experience that gave me an epiphany and try even harder, and found my balance, for now. Want to encourage you to carry on and be gentle with yourself.