Hello!

I am recently diagnosed, in the past year. 21 year old female. When I learned of the concept of an "FP", I was floored. Finally a small acronym that defines so many intense relationships I have had in my life. Something that explains why one person always seems to dominate my universe at every point in my life. For the past five years, it has been a boy that I really thought I loved. I'd like to think it was real love, but he never expressed mutual feelings toward me. He didn't express feelings, but he did little things that would keep me in the palm of his hand, whether he realized what he was doing or not. When he got drunk, he would be very touchy and all over me. He'd tell me several things that were personal to him (big deal - he is on lockdown like a fucking prison). He held my hand. He actually cared about what I was interested in. He made time for me.

I have been insecure my whole life, so when I realized I had feelings for him, I planned on doing what I always do: ignore. I've ignored every possible love interest I have had or those feelings because at this point it isn't even a fear of rejection - it is a knowledge of rejection. I see how people look at me, how they react with disgust at times. I know a lot of this lives in my head, and others do not actually necessarily always feel this way about me. He was the first person in this lifetime that I have felt "safe" with. Safe in the sense that he was a companion, someone who understood me, someone who saw me for who I really was - and enjoyed who I really was. It was so surreal for most of the time I spent time with him, because I had never experienced someone treating me with such kindness and interest in a still wholesome manner.

Basically, I bit the bullet and finally told him how I felt about him - the first time I had ever told anyone I cared about them for my whole life. he said "I don't know what to say" and proceeded to make jokes and uncomfortable conversation. Since this has occurred, he has drifted so far from me. He left where I live for other endeavors, and I understand that. I understand that life moves fast and we all are just trying to keep up. But his absence in my life is so pronounced. I tell him I miss him all the time and he doesn't answer or will answer with a completely different topic. I wish he could just say to me "I don't love you. I don't like you like that". Hell, even tell me you fucking hate me. I just need to know what the truth is. I have tried to talk about it more but it seems fruitless. I have suspicion that he understands my mental health struggles well enough and is fearful that him telling me the truth will completely ruin me. I think 6 months ago, it would have, but I have made so much progress and have learned so much more about the nature of my disorder and what it is reinforced by.

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If you read all of that, thank-you. I really just am looking for advice. I feel that this relationship has reached its expiration date, but I can't help but find myself still reaching out for him. I still think about him constantly in my head without trying, and he is just still such a large presence in my mind but he is nowhere to be found. It makes me so sad still and I just don't know where to go from here. How do I move on? How do I still maintain a friendship with him while also taking care of myself. Please help.