just like the title, ive almost accepted defeat at this point. it’s strange bc sometimes i feel like i enjoy having this disorder? i know it ruins my relationships and fucking life sometimes but it gives me excitement and creativity . and the comedian after all of the dumb shit i do when i’m impulsive whether it’s going out/drugs etc is fucking horrible but it’s like when i’m stable i just long for chaos. i feel this way in relationships. it thought i found the one, i thought if i got him i would never want anything else again, but it wasn’t enough. i get tired of people, relationships. i try to accept this loneliness bc i feel like i’ll never be satisfied. bc my biggest fear is stagnation. UGHSNSHSHSB