I’m new to having bpd, recently got my diagnosis and I’m spiraling because I feel like an awful person. I’m reading all these horrible things about bpd and I know there’s a lot of stigma around it and I’ve been fighting my symptoms longer than I’ve known they were symptoms. Some of my coping mechanisms were a lot more harmful/maladaptive than others, but I’ve made a conscious effort to get better in the past month. I’m trying to get into DBT- don’t even get me started on that bs.

The thing that I can’t handle the most right now is realizing that I have a favorite person, and how unfair it is to her that it’s like this. I can’t stop thinking that she didn’t sign up for this and there’s so much I don’t know about any of this shit. Like I’ve mostly read that having a fp is toxic and not good but some people say that it can be a healthy and fulfilling relationship with effort.

I want to tell her about it and I want to be open and honest but I’m so afraid that I’m going to lose her because she didn’t ask for any of this. She’s reassured me that she’s here to stay in the past but I feel awful because I’ve been manipulative without realizing it and I feel like I’ll only be more manipulative if I tell her about this and how much it hurts. I’m so scared of losing her, I can’t function without her in my life.

The thing is too is that I have no idea what benefit we’ll get out if I tell her. Like, what’s going to change? Will anything even change? I know it needs to, because she spends so little time with me that it hurts. 

Any advice on how to communicate and/or cope with my feelings is welcome.