As a child, I realize in hindsight that I struggled a lot with anxiety. I had odd phobias as well as social anxiety and low self esteem. I remember being around 11 years old and feeling suicidal because I couldn't cope with my phobia of bugs and the idea that I can never escape being around bugs on some level. I also can see evidence of OCD at an early age, which I am now diagnosed with. My parents were emotionally neglectful and possibly even abusive. 

Around the age of 12 I developed an interest in mental disorders. I remember looking them up online and trying to mimic the symptoms. I never knew about BPD until later but I feigned depression, psychosis, panic attacks (which I now know that I did in fact, actually experience). In my early teen years I experienced bouts of actual depression, self harm, suicidality, etc.

I think attention may have been a factor in my feigning, but looking at it, I also tried my best to not draw attention to myself. I loved being hospitalized. I loved feeling sick, and being coddled.

I constantly wonder if I somehow brought on the severity of my mental illnesses by taking on that role as a child. Firstly I feel so guilty and invalid, but I also feel disgust because, maybe I didn't have to suffer so much if my behaviour as a child was different?