My whole life I’ve always been aware of how fortunate I am to be alive. But not only alive but able to live a relatively normal life free of severe disability. I defeated the odds and I have every right to treasure and value my life. To me suicide is not a choice I can ever make. Despite all this I still struggle intensely with depression every day. I’ve had periods of milder depression but now I’m in a very dark time in my life. The heavy emotional pain, the dark negative thoughts feel like they are against everything I believe in yet they feel so true. I am in a lot of pain and I do want it to stop. I worry it will never end. I worry about what I will be capable of. If I can ultimately create the life I want for myself. I feel some guilt from having these awful thoughts about wanting to not live anymore because I know that I’m damn lucky to even be here and my twin for example never had the chance to have a life like I have. I was told growing up that to honor my twin best is to live a good life well-lived whatever that looks like, with lots of enriching happy experience. Since I will always be connected to my twin, I carry her legacy in me, even though she lies beyond this world. I want to do all of this and live a good life. I know my twin and the loved ones I have now gone would want the best for me too. It is so hard to keep going. I fret about the days I waste in bed, doing nothing. I feel guilty for not using my time wisely, for not taking care of myself, and not doing the activities that used to bring me joy. The guilt of course only makes it harder to keep moving forward. I feel so stuck.