i'm 20 yrs old i'm new to this subreddit. i'm constantly suffering from anxiety 24/7, ruining relationships with everyone i've ever cared about, doing things i hate myself for doing, getting mad about things i didnt even know i was mad about, worrying about anything and everything, doing way too much drugs and making terrible decisions, spending all of the little money i have, etc. i'm suffering all the time and i'm just wondering if any of yall have had nice fulfilling lives and relationships? bc every time i think about the future i just wanna die bc my whole life up until now has been painful. my life is v good i have a boyfriend and lots of friends and i'm doing what i love all the time. and i still feel like i'm suffering every day, having panic attacks, fighting my boyfriend and thinking i'm losing my mind. i want to have a normal, peaceful, relationships and i wanna trust my friends and not think they're using me/ leaving me all the time. i wanna feel happy when things in my life are good and i wanna feel sad when things in my life are bad. just normal human emotions and emotional cycles. will i ever get this???? is bpd always going to ruin everything i love/ want forever?!! i wanna feel okay so bad. fuck i'm really just ranting. but stories of yall fulfilling lives and relationships would be really encouraging. and just any advice on how to not deeply hate myself for ruining all my own/ my loved ones happiness / how to stop ruining everything all the time. thanks so much