 I hit rock bottom with my anxiety exactly a year ago. I didn’t even fully know that I had anxiety, because it had been an underlying reality of my life for so long. I am now writing to you from the other side to say that recovery is REAL and VERY possible.

My unrealized anxiety had been growing in the background as I achieved many things that I thought would bring me stability and tranquility. The love of my life, housing stability, etc. All it did was raise the stakes for my anxiety. I had more to lose. More complexity. More to go wrong. I realized that all these things were double edged swords.

When I started processing more of the extent of my partner’s history with major childhood traumas, and the extent of her own issues alongside mine, I cracked. I started having continuous panic attacks that had me seriously questioning my sanity. I was legitimately paranoid that what was happening in my brain was early schizophrenia or something. My anxiety got to the point that I was both terrified to be alone, but also terrified to be around my partner for fear that she would trigger a panic attack (or that I would trigger her which would trigger me back). It would get to the point where I couldn’t bear it and I would flee. 

I had always been the one who believed that my mental state was consistent and immovable. With my partner I compartmentalized and took on the role of the “pillar”. Since I had so much ill-founded confidence in my psyche, the fact that I was experiencing such a lack of control made me go straight to assuming I was mentally ill, which was a major self fulfilling trigger for panic attacks. I had never talked to anyone about my anxiety (the unnamed thing that was wrong with me) - it had just become normal over most of my lifetime. I was decently educated on anxiety and depression which was very paradoxical.

Things got so bad that I couldn't fall asleep without listening to “you are safe” affirmation videos to pull me out of my panic attacks. **This was my rock bottom.** I remember listening to the 1st Harry Potter audio book which was deeply comforting and nostalgic to calm myself down…**and it gave me a panic attack**…*haha*. I could genuinely say that **life was pain**. It seemed like forever since I had felt happy, passionate, relaxed, or moved to do anything constructive with myself other than just surviving. I was job searching at the time and even had panic attacks in interviews (while lying to myself about the root cause of course). One day it hit a new point where I couldn’t bear it anymore and I drove to my parents house and broke down sobbing in my dad's arms without any explanation. After I calmed down and he force fed me some soup, I explained what I had been going through.

At this point I was more than ready to go to therapy, which was the best decision I ever made. I fully resigned myself to the process and opened myself up. After my first tear filled therapy session I was reading through countless reddit posts like this and **had several major epiphanies**.

What I was going through was so textbook. Like right on the money anxiety disorder. I was not unique, and was not mentally ill. It was almost funny. What I had been trying so hard to deny and avoid within myself was simple and basic as could be.

*What I was going through was a blessing in a way. Many of my problems going back to my childhood had been from my anxiety pointing me in the wrong direction.*

*Believing that you’re the one with no problems leads to lots of turmoil and confusion.*

*“Once I reach X milestone I will feel better” is the oldest self lie in the book and it got me, eventually collapsing my house of cards. I held out for a long time without even knowing.*

*You can’t do it all on your own, and a decent therapist matched with a willingness to open up completely will get you miles.*

Here after a year of therapy and hard self work. I can confidently say that IT DOES GET BETTER IF YOU DONT GIVE UP. I am finally building a real foundation for myself and my mind. I am in the best place that I have been mentally for as long as I can remember. I can’t remember the last time I had a panic attack. My partner has also made major strides as a result. It has been a long and uncomfortable process, but not as uncomfortable as staying where I was. Getting out of this paradigm meant being scared and uncomfortable around people/ in public **OFTEN**.

**It WILL take time, and you WILL want to cave in to avoidance behaviors**. Never **cancel plans**, and never **go home**. What you are going through may feel like its own twisted unique hell, but I promise you it is textbook anxiety. **It is the same old recognizable model with different details**. **YOU ARE OK. Even if you don’t feel ok, it is very possible to change and grow.**