My best friend who I fully believe is my soulmate told me that she needed to not see me for a while. Apparently I made a joke about nothing mattering while she was on a particularly intense acid trip. She said it scared her and made her realize that we are in a harmful codependent relationship. She told me this after not speaking to me for a week. I took it surprisingly well, I told her that I was sorry and told her that I was going to give her the space she needed. The next day, an ex-boyfriend of mine told me that he told her that she actually never wanted to talk to me again. I am so destroyed. She was the closest friend I've ever had. I told her everything. All of my secrets and told her my feelings. I can't believe I was so stupid. I am such a fundamentally broken person, no wonder she needed to leave. 
Now I'm seeing her hanging out with my ex and living her life like I never existed, like I never mattered, like we never bared our souls to each other and talked about the life we wanted together. We had been through so much together. She was there when I got kicked out of my house. I was there when she miscarried. We cried in each other's arms. I tried so hard to be a good friend. I forgave her when she bought drugs from a boy I never wanted to see again because I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt me. I forgive her for everything, because I want to see us both grow and become better people, but I always thought we would do it together. 
I don't have anyone to be better for now. I've always been suicidal but since I've met her I just wanted to be there for us. I feel so betrayed by everyone. I wish someone loved me. Now I know no one does. She was right. I don't know how to have relationships with people. I'm such a stupid person. I just want to be loved but I am such a deeply unlikeable person. I am so sad. I just want someone to hold me but I know that will never happen. No one will care if I die. I'm writing here because I have no one else to tell, no one else to inflict myself on. I'm going to do it tomorrow. I don't think anyone will find me for a very long time, because no one cares that I exist. At most, it will be an inconvenience for the people to get rid of my body. All of my belongings go to her if she wants them. My money, my stuff. All of it. I just can't do this anymore.