I’m further down than I ever have been. I don’t think I’ve ever hit rock bottom like I have recently. I have no one. My partner is even becoming a source of stress for me because of my inability to sleep. Everyone has been stripped out of my life and turned against me. I’ve lost friends, partners, parents, and all motivation to continue.

I told my partner today that I knew I was going to kill myself in a month or so if things didn’t improve. I know things won’t improve. They can’t possibly improve enough for this to be bearable. I haven’t slept a full night in I don’t know how long. I can’t find the motivation to do any of my coursework. My private life has been ripped out from under me and displayed for everyone to know. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to try. I can’t regulate my emotions at all anymore. I have no security, no privacy, and no stability. 

These days I’m either dissociated or extremely depressed (or both). Nothing is working. I’m going to therapy, I’m being vulnerable and trying to get better; I’m doing everything I should be. I have a partner who desperately wants to see me get better.

How do I tell him that I don’t think anyone has ever fallen as far down as I am and survived it..? I can’t give him false hope anymore. I’m going to die like this.