I like to consider myself as a very logical person, however with mental illness my judgement and self awareness is often clouded. However I also have some irrational, paranoid nonsensical thoughts which sometimes become beliefs, which at the time make sense and then in retrospect I realize how stupid I am. 

 I can’t help it, it makes me feel so foolish, being someone who is logical deep down but also has to question their own sanity. I know there aren’t people watching me or I know my friends aren’t going to die, I know there isn’t someone following me or hidden cameras or that I’m going to catch a disease. 

 Yet these thoughts always seem to consume me and it’s frustrating. It’s like someone else is having these thoughts and I’m just here to stand as a witness. I feel like my brain is a separate entity at times which I have no control over. It’s so embarrassing to think that I used to believe some people could read my thoughts if I did or didn’t do certain things, or that I used to believe a bunch of things about myself that weren’t true, I was kind of delusional. But even with this self awareness these strange thought loops haven’t gone away, sometimes I KNOW it doesn’t make sense but I can help but feel like it does. 

 It’s a struggle. Yes, no one is out to get me or is compiling fake evidence behind me to get me in trouble but it certainly does feel that way at times. I also want to add that it’s not just limited to my thoughts but also emotions, I know when I am irrationally angry and that I will regret the things I am saying but it feels like a completely different person said and did those things. 

 Does anyone else have this problem? It’s so frustrating, I want to know if anyone else feels a constant fight between rationality and irrationality in their mind.