Idk. I am just looking at my socials and it's just made me realise how I used to be part of groups and have loads of friends and then I'd inevitably self-destruct and alienate swaths of people all in one go. 

I think I am a very likeable person if you don't get too close to me. If I didn't have BPD, I would have way more friends, instead I only have about 4/5 very close friends, which I am absolutely fine with, I'd rather have a small group of amazing friends than a big group of acquaintances. 

But on the same stroke, there is the whole 'this is the impression I left on those people and it is not good and that is how I will be remembered forever'. 

I think now I consciously don't get close to new people and it takes a lot for me to make new friends now - I'd rather come off a bit aloof than blow up on them and be remembered as a nasty person y'know?

Just musing is all. I needed to verbalise this.