I'm tired. I started a new med on top of lamictal and Effexor, Geodon. It's usually for schizophrenia, but used to treat impulse and mania in our disorder.

It worked last week for a couple of days. I had starting going through manic depressive episodes and self harm, so this is what she added. So we went up because when it seemed to suddenly stop working and it all came back 10x worse. I couldn't get out of the car for 30 minutes and just dazed off sobbing. I felt like I was a shell of myself. Best way to describe it is tears of a clown. 

I am usually in the manic side. But when I am depressed it is both, and that's when it's scary. I trust my RN 110%. She helped me stay stable through my pregnancy and become stable (again) while my hormones were jacked after. 

So I read into Geodon more, feeling glitchy today and again a shell of myself, and the long term side effects scare the shit out of me.

I don't want to become MORE of a burden. Going through all the these meds that make me easier to deal with, sometimes they work sometimes they don't. I have kids and husband and an extremely supportive family, but someone who does not suffer these kinds of hurdles don't know how to help and to others they don't even feel comfortable using the term disorder (they like to say "your issues".

Point is, I'm bloody scared I'll get dementia or some shit or osteoporosis so that I can walk around feeling like a shell of myself, lacking the usual exuberant me. And yes, I'm exuberant when I'm stable too.

Don't know where else to go to vent