I just really need to vent. I have no close friends that really care to listen because they all just care about themselves and any time I talk I just get talked over. So I apologize in advance for how long this is going to be and I appreciate anyone who cares enough to read it all.

At a young age, of just 3, both of my parents walked out of my life. Well, my mother's right were taken away because I had a drowning accident while in her care where I actually died. Obviously they were able to bring me back to life and save me. There were other incidents when I was in her care where she abused me. She would leave me in my soiled diapers until I had bleeding rashes. She left me in a hot car during the Summer (I live in the deep South) with the window barely rolled down. She was caught hitting me with switches when I wasnt even a year old. There was a time I wandered into the road as a toddler. I'm sure there were more incidents but those are the only ones I'm aware of. My dad was supposed to get full custody but backed out. He literally didn't even show up on the court date to sign documents. He disappeared and his parents had to step in and adopt me. I was raised by them from that point on. 

I feel like I had a good enough childhood being raised by my grandparents but I feel like I lacked a lot of physical comfort and compassion that both of them failed to provide for me. I was always fed, clothed, bathed and I went to good schools. They put me in music classes and dancing. I was happy for the most part. Until around age 12, my dad tried to step back in and be in contact with me. At this point, I don't even know him and I'm apprehensive about him being in my life. I met him again when I was 12 and he already had another family. A new wife and a step-son. I felt out of place being around them all. Why was he raising some other woman's kid and didn't want to raise me? Turns out he had a persistent drug addiction and he told me later on in my life that he had rathered do cocaine then be my dad. (I was about 21 when I was told that) I also learned recently that he and his wife were doing drugs the whole time so it's not like he ever got clean. He ended up dying when I was 22 (2017) from a drug overdose. I'm sad to this day about it.

My mother is another story. She's so mentally incapable of being a mother and I stopped trying to contact her after my dad died when she told me to never call her again. I still wonder what I did to make her hate me. Or why she is incapable of loving me. She never did. If she did, she wouldn't have abused me. I don't know anything about her besides the abuse she did to me and that she's a really good artist. Good artist but shitty person not capable of being close to people. So maybe a sociopath? I really don't know. I wish I had her diagnoses because I feel like she passed some of them down to me. I've had issues since my dad came back into my life. Anger, depression, anxiety, derealization, dissocation, suicidal ideation, you name it. I've survived one suicide attempt already and I really hope I never try it again. 

I'm in college right now and I'm about to graduate in May. Granted, it's just my associates degree but I'm so proud of myself because it's taken me so long to finally get to this point. I raise my son alone and I'm very busy with him so the fact that I'm finally making it happen is amazing to me. My grandma doesn't seem to enthusiastic about it even though she pestered me to go back to school many times. Idk, I just want some recognition and compassion. I want her to tell me she's proud of me. I want to feel like someone, anyone, notices my accomplishments and is proud of me. Is that too much to ask for? My grandpa is indifferent and has literally never told me he's proud of what I've done. 

Idk where I was going with this. Probably because I felt triggered that my grandma, once again, tells me that I shouldn't feel so angry and sad about something that happend to me as a kid. She thinks it doesn't affect me and I should let it go. Let go of the fact that my parents couldn't get it the fuck together and take care of me and provide me basic love that every child deserves. I'm 26 now and I'm still fucked out about it. I'm in therapy tho, if you were wondering. I'm still trying to work through trauma I went through as a baby and a young kid. Trauma my grandma invalidates and think didn't affect me, simply because I was young and don't remember it. I know she's wrong.

My hands hurt from typing so much so fast so I'm gonna wrap it up and if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask me.