I constantly feel like other people, especially former friends, hate me. I feel like I’ve done so many horrible things that I am an absolutely awful person. 

This was set off by a friend of mine that I viewed very, very highly. I truly loved my best buddy, and really enjoyed having her in my life. When I moved away, she completely stopped talking to me and won’t respond to my messages. I had to leave pretty quickly due to covid, and was going through some major depression issues that she knew about, so I left the home we rented together and didn’t come back for a few months during lockdown. I continued paying my portion of the bills while she lived there, and can’t identify anything I did wrong, but can’t shake the feeling that I was a horrible friend. Maybe I was, I don’t know. I sent a big (general) apology note, and got nothing back. I just wanted to talk about it so I could apologize for whatever I did. Regardless, it hurts. 

It’s my birthday today and all I can think about is how much it hurts to feel like past friends, that don’t reach out anymore, must have hated me for all of the dumb things I did as a kid and teen, and even a young adult. Friendships and actions from middle school still haunt me. I’m almost in tears because I feel like I am a horrible, horrible human.

How do I get over this? No one else around me seems to hold onto their mistakes as severely as I do, I wish I could be like everyone else. I am in tears about it at least once a week, and often wish I could just stay away from everyone so I never make a mistake again.