Hiya my therapist diagnosed me when I was 20 with bpd, ppd, depression and anxiety. I never really knew what I had and I’m still figuring it out, my mom always called it ‘freaking out’. I never really talked to a therapist till I was 20, I didn’t know I was having panic attacks till then either. 

When I was 16 I had my first bf and he caused a ton of spiraling. Lately now I’ve been dealing with a guy (M19) whose causing all the same symptoms from that first go around. Him and I haven’t dated, but we got into a really close fwb in the beginning of January to the point we were really close friends or at least I thought so.

Back in May/April he started to spiral and he said these things that literally started my spiral that night, in that moment. ‘I’m glad we’re not attached’, and along the lines of ‘I can get anyone I want’. I realized I was attached and also that I probably wasn’t that special, given he said that. About a month after that my therapist diagnosed me with everything. I know he was drunk but even after that it was weird. He became quiet. Even more so it’s awkward to text, I try to have him over but he forgets or ignores me. Snapchat scores proves that funnily enough. I’ve invited him over so many times, and the only time I’ve seen him in months was for a concert I paid for. 

Lately I’m going back to when my heart started to realize my ex was getting bored or something of me. I called this guy like 4 times cause he said he would come by and talk after work but he didn’t. And ignored all my texts. I keep freaking out and crying, even another guy I’ve been attaching myself to just to cancel out the other guy said he didn’t want to talk anymore since he found someone else (I just wanted the attachment but go u) and this all happened in a night. I did a bus trip all the way to this other guy (M20) and since then he’s been weird too, pretty sure he just wanted the hookup. 

I want him back because I want his attention and presence, I don’t want to have sex anymore cause I’m scared of getting more attached again and him pushing me away. I don’t know if I’m splitting or having a panic attack, it hasn’t been this bad in a while. I feel like I can make friends and talk to people when he’s in my life, he doesn’t have to be there just the thought of knowing we’re close is enough. But when he’s not I’m so uncomfortable, like I have no one. I text no one at all, I have no other friends I go quiet. I miss him so much, but I hate him for leaving. I have so many grudges. 

I’m still trying to put a name to what I feel cause I don’t understand it. I really don’t understand what to do either. I don’t understand what I’m going through. And yes honestly I’m looking for answers. 

Im sorry for the spam. I’ve only ever talked to my therapist about this, and the guy I’m into won’t listen to what I’ve said about bpd. I’ve been holding this in my chest for almost a year and I’m so tired. I even have white hairs now lol. I never forgot about my first ex till I met him. I don’t know what to do to forget him now.