My mom and dad divorced years ago. My father went to England.  and after the really rare MSN conversations I never heard from him again. But 2 months ago, he wrote me on IG. At first, I rebuffed him. But he didn't give up. So, he tried to talk with me stubbornly. I couldn't deal with it and he catch me in my emotional void. Although my father remarried with my mother 12 years ago, he married someone else the day he went to England and deleted my mother. In fact, he first went to England when I was two years old. He didn't call me or tried to reach me for years. Then suddenly he wrote me and ruined my whole life. He came back to my country just for two weeks and he called me. I accepted his call. Next morning I will go to him. I couldn't tell that to my mom. I lied her. It kills me. I will sleep a bit later wishing to die at morning. 

My psychiatrist in the city where I went to university told me to tell my mother about this in the company of a professional when I returned to my own city, but the psychiatrist in my own city said, 'This is a family matter, you have to handle it yourself'. I don't know what to do. I want to go very much, but at the same time I wish to die in order not to go. I hope this somehow doesn't get to my mom. If so, neither mother nor father will be left. And most likely, so when my mom finds out and rejects me, they find my dead body in a park. Ah! I was completely immersed. For years I hated myself. And now I fully understand the reason for this hatred. When a man who made himself forget himself reminded himself to me again, I just froze and said okay to everything that man said. Please pray that my mother doesn't hear, or wish me luck whatever you do now. I don't want to cause great destruction to my mother. This is even more painful than seeing her die.

Question: Why doesn't this nightmare just end?
Answer:Bcs of my stupidity.