Cause I do. Every time. 

I think it's because nobody ever tried to help me when I was having a meltdown. Not as a kid, not as a teen, not as an adult. My parents, my abusive exes-- they would just watch and let me tire myself out. I'm not just saying this out of malice, but I genuinely believe that my dad and both my shitty exes would trigger me into an angry meltdown on purpose. Sometimes they'd record it and play it back to me, fueling the fire. And then I'd be the bad guy for reacting to being recorded... and, well, you can imagine how well that would go over. 

And then one day, early in my relationship I'm in now, I was having a fit. Hadn't been diagnosed yet, but was therapist shopping. I don't remember what I was doing or why I was mad, but my girlfriend grabbed me, brought me in real close, and just hugged me so tight, but not tight enough to hurt, and within minutes I completely fizzled out and just ugly cried. Poof. Anger gone, Borderline Rage over, there was only pain left.

And then everything was okay. It was like magic. 

And now I want that every single time I'm out of my mind angry, I can't control what I'm doing or saying but all I want is for her to hold me tight again but I'm too stubborn to ask for that when I'm pissed as hell. And her memory is bad, too. she knows it helps but always forgets to try it, but I can never flat out ask her for it when I'm pissed. BPD sucks ☹☹