I’ve found in past relationships my partners end up enabling me, leading to a relapse. By relapse I mean major depression and addictive behaviours (eating,drinking,spending ect) to curb the emptiness. 

I’m honest about my mental health issues and try hard to abstain from triggers to depression but my partners will order lots of unhealthy snacks, or buy beers each night, stay up late, or whatever. Eventually I’ll start doing it to until it spirals out of control and I do them in excess in comparison to my partner. 

My partner will justify and encourage my behaviours (oh you have cramps, smoke weed. Oh you work so hard, stay up late and drink. Oh your so tired it’s normal to sleep in all day). I recognize it’s totally my choice/responsibility to not relapse but I don’t understand why my partners don’t say what the fuck are you doing, behaving like this isn’t normal, you are throwing everything away!!! I guess I would probably get mad, but I just wish I could find someone who encourages me to be better instead of facilitates my bad behaviours/mental decline. 

I don’t know if it is all my fault? Am I dating people who don’t match my ambitious/recovery focused lifestyle and they are bringing me down? Maybe it’s my low self esteem about thinking I couldn’t be with better partners? Maybe  I can never escape BPD tendencies,  having relapses, and it is all my fault. 

It is so confusing 