I saw my friend on the bus today. I turned my head so she wouldn’t recognise me. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I have 3 friends and they each have their own complicated relationship with me. They wished me happy birthday and I still haven’t opened the messages 10 days later. 

It’s just so stressful wanting and trying to maintain relationships whilst simultaneously feeling like you don’t deserve it and that they don’t even care anyway. It’s exhausting having to pretend there’s nothing wrong so you can mother one friend, then to compete for the second one’s love cus her terrifying best friend is suspected bpd and wants her attention too — whilst dodging unconscious gaslighting, among other annoying habits that he thinks help me, from the third one. 
And then because it’s never enough, trying to find other people ontop is just another stupid thing I do to hurt myself. 

It does actually hurt me. They might not know, but it does. But one was inconsistent and made me feel worthless and the other two played weird games between eachother trying to poison me against eachother. Or they were just generally two faced. They’ve said some fucked up shit about me (and to me) and I can’t believe I let it slide. These 3 people are almost all I have. Without them I have one person left. But I honestly didn’t think it was possible to not trust someone more than ‘base trust issues’- (the level of trust issues I have with everything). 


Trying to maintain (HEALTHY) relationships is like trying to swim in the middle of the ocean when you’d never seen water before.  


But they don’t understand that. And I feel guilty because they don’t. Because one day, I just stopped responding. I wouldn’t say I live my life with ease without them, but when you take away something that’s causing stress, your stress decreases. What stresses me out now is knowing this “break” is temporary because I feel an obligation to stay and that now I’m alone. I don’t just feel alone but I am alone. 

I don’t know. I switch between feeling soul crushing guilt for leaving, and thinking “they don’t care about me anyway so oh well I did them a favour.”

Mindless rant over- apologies. If you can find something to say in response to this, I applaud you.