I’ve been putting it off for months, or really years if I’m being honest with myself, and that’s because finally seeing a psychiatrist will inevitably lead to finally getting a real diagnostic answer for why I suffer and struggle the way I do and that’s ...terrifying. I’m sure in a way it will also be freeing, but ultimately I see myself being trapped into symptom management plans and a lifetime of therapy and picking up prescriptions and sticking to routines and I feel overwhelmed by that. Because yes, I don’t want to struggle and suffer so much anymore and I know it’s not sustainable for me to live that way. But no, I can’t say I know who I’ll become or how I’ll feel in the absence of that pain, and that scares me. So anyway, I guess we’ll see what the coming weeks or months will bring in terms of a diagnosis. Strongly suspect BPD, but also have some cyclical symptoms that make me suspect Bipolar II (I’m aware it could also be both! Wouldn’t that be a nice treat). I’ll be interested to see if my psych shares those suspicions after our initial visit.