so the past like. month has been a list of events that just. idk why God hates me like this.

id been working as a night time shift lead for the past 6 months when 2021 hit first, and my resolution was to get back into manufacturing. where i live, factory work is the best paying, best benefitting job or career that you could pursue. id done it from the time i was 18 to 23 so i really thought it would be no problem. i started at a popular factory around here through a temp agency, and to make a long story short i lasted 2 weeks, if that. not for a lack of trying or being good at it, i kept having what i assume are ptsd attacks. by day 7, i would have to force myself out of bed to get to work, start driving my 15min commute out, and fight the rising anxiety in me about going to said place. it didn't make sense, i loved the work, I liked the people, i didnt have any complaints. on the final day, i was completely dressed with my PPE to go into the main factory, and I couldnt bring myself out into it. i froze, i started crying just looking at the door, id been crying while putting on my gear. to boil it all down, I dont work there anymore.

meanwhile, this past Wednesday, my roommate decided to give my partner and I the silent treatment and even left without a word this last Wednesday. three days later she messaged us in our group chat asking if we could talk, so she came over the following day and basically said she was leaving and would be completely out Valentines day. which we figured, but shortly after that she started being nasty and continued to not talk to us, and even blocked us both on Facebook before she was completely moved out. she still has a key and won't get back to us about it or the remainder of the things she has here. our landlord is aware, but we three had been friends for the past 3 years, and her leaving and treating us like garbage came out of no where.

during THIS now, I had found different work as a carside pick up person and had two other drug tests coming up for two other jobs. I started on Monday as carside, but for some reason this place had me working all by myself with minimal training on carside. and I still didn't know how to work the phone or the computer. so I panicked and didn't show up for work the next day, yesterday. frankly I've had a lot of bad luck with work, and there's a lot to unpack that I need to see a therapist about.

so anyway my partner has been supporting us this entire time and they have no idea i didnt go to work yesterday. I've been unpacking everything else we have like dishes and moving things around and basically cleaning up after our roommate's whirlwind of an exit, moving my partners work office into our roommates old bedroom, taking our roommates old stuff and putting it in a corner in case she returns for it, moving in new furniture.  it's been a lot for the past week. and idk I've been trying to talk to them about how things are going and kinda. fishing for what they want and need and idk, I think im being too pushy now and ive been relying on them for a long time and they've been putting up with my depressive bullshit and. idk they said I could talk to them whenever but it seems like when I do they just don't have the energy anymore which means ive been too much on them and I never should have bothered them with any problems in the first place and now im just

idk I cant tell them I don't have a job and that im still looking and I just feel like I'm complete garbage trash at this point and no matter what I do or say is just. I feel like no matter how hard I try to get a job I always just sabotage it or something. idk. I just don't wanna bother my partner anymore, ive been a weight on them for so long I should just be far away from them so they can live better without me.