I've been thinking about the way I split a lot lately, because, yeah I'm splitting on someone and I know it.

&amp;#x200B;

Well... uhh... I don't split like how I hear everyone talk about it, it ends the same way, certainly! but it's not triggered by people doing things to upset me (that I see as bad), and I don't see THEM as a bad person, but I see myself as the bad person.

I see myself as gross, disgusting, malicious, and manipulative and that those things are in my nature and I don't even know I'm doing it so I cant stop it. 

So I start to see my FP as someone who sees this in me, and hates me, and would never tell me the truth that they did hate me! Or worse they will tell me if I ask!

So I start acting differently, I notice I'm splitting so I try and act normal, but I overthink that and can't think normally or speak normally. I take any delay in messages or pause in action as an indicator they're upset with me and hate me so I want to run away and wish they'd notice and do some grand gesture, but then I know I'm splitting so I don't, and the cycle continues and I just can't stop thinking they hate me, and I'm horrid, and I should detach and escape before it hurts, and the cycle goes on and on,, right now IDK what to do, cus I have too many trust issues now to trust it.

&amp;#x200B;

Sorry, this became a rant rather than a factual explanation of how I feel. I'm less looking for advice because this is kinda a normal process for me, but I wanted to share how it makes me feel in the moment of it because I've never related to how it's clinically described or explained, and maybe someone relates.