Hey all,

So, I'm extremely suicidal right now.  I have been for nearly a month, consistently, not the kind of suicidality that manifests in acute crisis, but much deeper, more serious.  I've nearly lost all hope, am in the process of giving up on living and getting better, started smoking, am using various prescription drugs *heavily*, and have a suicide date planned in the medium-term future.  

It's kind of a long, convoluted story as to how I arrived at this point, but suffice it to say I'm living on the brink of death right now, as melodramatic as that may sound.  *Only* my mom (fear of what it would do to her if I left) and my meds (amphetamines to get out of bed, depressants to cope--definitely living what W.H. Auden called "the chemical life" right now) are keeping me alive at this time, to be perfectly honest.  It's a bleak reality, but it is what it is.

*However*, I was really surprised to have an interesting epiphany today that just might point to a last-ditch, barebones pathway out of this state.  I was showering (lol, I know) and thinking very seriously and cynically about everything that didn't and hasn't worked for me treatment/recovery/lifestyle-wise, and in so doing came to a realization of what might.  Take this with a grain of salt I suppose because it's coming from an ultra-low-functioning fuckup (excuse the language--it's been my resolution to stop swearing for a long time, but hasn't stuck yet) who hasn't even tried to apply it yet and may very well perish anyway, but it could be helpful, so I thought I'd share it here.  

**This post is going to be realistic.  It's going to be uncomfortably blunt.  Sometimes, I think, in especially harsh circumstances and times of crisis, we have to really pare down all the affirmations and the suggestions and the fluff and what we're fed as being "the answer" to what is *actually viable* for us at a given time and what isn't.**

Basically, what I realized *could* possibly work for me going forward boils down to three points:

* **Contributing.**  This is part of what they tell us through DBT and other BPD-geared therapies is a healthier distraction mechanism, but I think it could be especially important and a huge element of what's missing for me (and probably some of you?), and here's why.  

I feel like a scumbag extraordinaire, a slug (most repulsive animal I can think of--slow, slimy, no 'shell'/vulnerable, and disgusting)--par for the course with my cocktail of MH issues, but there's a particular thought-pattern I've identified that reinforces this extremely negative self-concept.  **I have this idea, something I'm sure I developed in the process of dealing with trauma, that only "objective results" matter, regardless of one's intentions or how "good of a person" their core self is--only matters what their impact has been overall on the world and those close to them.**

**I apply this to myself, intensely.  Part of the reality I've had to accept and just can't (hence suicidality) is that, by any measure, I have had a net negative impact on everyone in my life, by *far and away***.  This isn't just the depression and self-loathing talking--I'm one of those awful pwBPD who has been truly, horribly abusive due to her symptoms.  I don't mean to be and I hate being this way, but I'm a taker, a sponge, an "emotional vampire" due to the interactions of all my symptoms (severe depression and BPD are exponentially worse to deal with together than individually IMHO).  

I've given little and caused a ton of pain, and that's just the hard, cold reality of things.  I do believe that I'm fundamentally a good, misunderstood person at the core, but I can't deny that so far my life, choices and behavior have all been utterly toxic on the whole.  So I judge myself for that, feel horrified that I've become my worst nightmare, and see no way out but self-destruction.  I'm tired--**it hurts me beyond belief to hurt people.**

**What I realized today is that that thought-pattern is deeply ingrained into my worldview enough that attempting to *change* it has been futile and it isn't likely to just disappear anytime soon.**  But if, hypothetically (I had to approach this with some degree of analytical detachment today), I were to try and live and recover, I'd have to get over it somehow.  **I can't change it, so I'd have to *bypass* it, get *around* it.**  

And the answer to that, the only way I can think of, is by contributing and doing for others as much as possible.  That way, regardless of my past actions and even present flaws (which are innumerable), I could have some form of "objective results" relating to positive impact that I could point to as a counter to "I'm worthless slime".  

It sounds so obvious, put that way, but this honestly never occurred to me before.  I've been so wrapped up in trying not to drown that I've neglected the contribution aspect completely, dismissing it subconsciously as something I'd only be capable of if I were in a much better place consistently, which I never am.  It's a way of 'hacking' that notion I have about my worth that doesn't seek to *alter* it on a fundamental level, which at this stage (at least) is simply not going to happen.  

I went volunteering with my mom today, actually, and it felt surprisingly amazing.  My role, what I 'contributed' wasn't even that major, but it was a great experience.  I may have been wearing a thick mask all day so to speak, I smoked a cigarette beforehand and was on a strong med combo throughout, but hey, I wasn't thinking of suicide, self-harm, drug use or other destructive behaviors for ~5 hours.  **However small, I can actually say "I did something for others without expectation of reward".  That isn't scumbag behavior, 'objectively' speaking.**  So this is promising. 

**Even if it's for ultimately selfish motives when it comes down to it (which it basically is, I guess), *it doesn't matter*, because only results matter as far as my Emotion and Rational Minds are concerned, and I objectively helped!  That's the beauty of it.**  I've always ranted in frustration about how I feel like the root of my resistance to treatment, why I'm stuck and not getting any better, is lacking a foundation of some sort to fall back on in periods of darkness.  This could provide such a foundation.  

It's a hell of a lot more solid and less refutable through self-invalidation/negative self-talk than "You're a good person who's just really ill underneath it all...wait, says who?  Just you and your mother?  And everybody who has chosen to get close to you thinks you're fucking horrendous?  Well..."  That's not to say that the latter is totally invalid, just that thinking that in itself isn't enough to keep me going anymore.

* **Living *only* in the present.**  I realized that to stay alive for the time being without *burning* alive 24/7, I have to practice the kind of "mindfulness" we're taught *to the extreme*.  My past, frankly, is in ashes as of this point, containing very little to nothing to point to as authentically, purely positive.  And my future looks incredibly terrifying and barren.  So, simple as it might seem, I can't think about either whatsoever.  This is *much* easier said than done, but ruminating about both is the source of the worst anguish in living with this disorder, as I can confirm.  If I'm to survive (which, again, looks super unlikely right now), I have to find a way to just *be*.  Out of all the distress tolerance skills, this is one of only a few that is even somewhat working.  Take that for whatever it's worth.  

Meds/drugs help with this, honestly, though they're not widely seen as the healthiest means of achieving it.  Oh well--sometimes we have to make do with what's accessible to us, and do what we have to do to keep ourselves alive.  So do "self-indulgent" types of self-care.  I frown on hedonism, but whatever helps keep my mind off of temporal matters is doing something at least.

* **Realizing that the difference between nurturing support and coddled enabling is a very fine line, and is more about my/one's own choices than others'.**  A sharp, harsh realization, and again, perhaps an obvious one to many of you who are wiser than I, but a far-reaching, impactful one nonetheless.  

**My years as a (co)dependent, needy person (or, if I'm being unkind, a leech) have taught me something.  Love and support in various forms (material/financial, emotional/validation, etc.) is, on an important level, like drugs/meds.  In itself it can lead to seeing the sun or cascading into the abyss, it just depends on what you do with it.**

**I'm very effective, somehow, without consciously trying to manipulate anyone, at garnering support that doesn't challenge me in itself**, what cruel observers of personality-disordered and otherwise eccentric people are inclined to call "asspatting".  Despite being so low-functioning, I guess I have some kind of Cluster B charisma that way.  My ex (though that relationship was actually codependent and abusive almost from day one) validated my every inclination no matter how disordered/insane, all the way up until the end, and financially supported both of us (which wasn't coerced--it's complicated) the whole way.  I live with my mom now, rent-free, who is my caretaker and indulges my eccentric yet (in my view) not entirely unhealthy coping mechanisms (such as age regression) and takes care of me picking up the slack when I'm bedridden and not well enough to even do basic things for myself (severe depression w/chronic fatigue is miserable, what can I say).  My therapist was extremely kind and gentle and never pushed me.  I even had to explain over and over to her that I was in fact abusive to my ex in ways that weren't 'mutual'.  My psychiatrist is patient through many cutting-edge and unconventional treatments that fail, trusts me and prescribes me several controlled meds because I report (not inaccurately, mind you) that they work.  Signs disability forms for me.  I even got a kindly attorney to take my SSI appeal case recently, which (for a 24 year old who's never worked a day in her life, with only 3.5 years of treatment history, sparse records and applying on the basis of affective, anxiety and personality disorders only) I was convinced would be totally impossible!  So yeah, you get the picture.

Now, I'm not trying to say that this is all negative for me in itself.  It seems to be a very popular viewpoint in this societal context these days for people to make it out and perceive it that way, which I do not agree with.  This kind of support is **not** a bad thing in itself, the way many would dismiss it as simple "enabling" or "lack of accountability" or whatever.  **I don't blame those people one bit for choosing to swaddle me like this in these ways.  I don't believe in "tough love" as a concept in general--to be perfectly honest, I think it's profoundly disingenuous.**

I won't go into why too deeply here as this post is turning into a long essay, but suffice it to say that it would be totally ineffective for me in any case.  

**The reason I had/have these "asspatting" supporters in my life is because I wouldn't get close to anyone in the first place if they weren't like that.  This is something else I've had to radically accept about myself, as icky as it might make me feel due to ingrained shame based in cultural values and ideas of acceptable relationships and ways of being (recall the Linehan quotes about BPD and dependence?).**  That is, if someone tried any other approach with me, I would dismiss them like *that*, very quickly--I wouldn't give a damn about what they thought of me or about my life, and they'd be devalued and gone.  It's just part of my disorder, how it works for me.

I digress a bit, but the point here is that, just like meds themselves, this kind of thing can be "enabling" of unhelpful behavior patterns *or* nurturing of recovery without changing at all in itself.  **The onus is on me to make of it what I need to.**  When I get up and take my dose of stimulants and/or anxiety meds, I can either go in a productive direction, accomplishing things I need to by putting effort (it's tough sometimes) by looking at lists of goals and such, or I can just aimlessly immerse myself that much further in non-ideal distractions all day.  

**It's very similar with support from others, and not always in the most obvious ways.  Take validation, for instance.  I can either interpret it as "I'm fine, don't need to change, I'm just not made for the world that doesn't understand me", *or*, as "This motivates me to work towards *being* the person this person sees me as, to live up to what they see in me!"**  With the exact same "input", so to speak.  

Again, easier said than done, and I'm not even confident that I'll be able to apply this in a meaningful, productive fashion.  But I've finally admitted to myself that this is how things work.  **I can't change the part of myself that exclusively tolerates--depending on your point of view--"nurturers", "enablers/asspatters", or "unchallenging supporters".**  I just can't.  Not now; maybe not ever.  Stone cold reality.  So I have to work *within the parameters* of that trait, and there *may* be ways to do that that are a step in the right direction.

**Anyway, just some musings from the edge, from a hurt/burned, reluctantly poisonous slug girl tucked away under rotting foliage (the fallen past, and hopelessly unsustainable present lifestyle) and hiding from the sunlight of day at the moment.  Take them for whatever they're worth.  I just thought it's an interesting (and perhaps controversial?) perspective based on realistically, honestly identifying and radically accepting the limitations that come with BPD on the more severe end of the spectrum, one that's rarely discussed AFAIK.**  Maybe these realizations could be helpful to someone even if I don't make it.  Then again, perhaps I'm just being grandiose.

**TL;DR: On the precipice of total self-destruction in a persistent crisis state for weeks now, I had an epiphany today about three core realizations that may be of some value and could potentially offer another way out.  1.) Contributing/volunteering/doing for others, 2.) Living exclusively in the moment as much as humanly possible, and 3.) Realizing that it's on me to make something positive out of others' support, and that that's the only real difference between 'enabling' and true nurturance.  I've had to really examine myself with a more honest eye than ever, and to accept that there are thought and behavior patterns that are too entrenched to realistically rewire entirely soon enough for that to be the path out of BPD hell.  Therefore I must work within my own limitations, essentially 'hacking' (though that sounds pretentious and stupid) my disordered nature by finding ways around those mechanisms that still conform to them.  I don't know if I have the strength to apply all of this; it might be too late for me.  But maybe, hopefully, and perhaps this insight will be of some interest to other pwBPD.**