ever since school break started i feel lonely as ever. I cant really go out because i have no ride or none of my friends are asking me if i can hang out with them. There is plenty of things in my house thag i could do but they get boring really fast for me. All i do is go on my computer rarely playing games just watching youtube hoping time passes by to the next, distracting myself/ escaping from reality iykwim. I feel like i don’t belong anywhere, feel like none of my family likes me; ik they just see me as some fatass that plays games all day. They don’t understand why i do it, they don’t know what i like. They don’t know that i love outdoor activites, but i’m too insecure to do it w them or to let them know that I want to do those stuff. Id love to exercise but i cant feel comfortable when I try and do anything that requires physical activities. I feel so empty and I can’t even sleep anymore. I wish i could tell my mom that I need help, but I can’t. She says she’s there for me, but gets mad and yells at me when I’m in annoyed or mad at her. Only thing I’m looking forward is my 3 years with my gf. She’s helped me a lot and educated me, she makes sure that Im not alone, but I can’t change myself to think positively. I feel like I don’t deserve it, don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve friends, family, shelter, my gf, a life. I don’t know. I recently moved my pc setup downstairs hoping to stop going on it 24/7, but bc it made my room a mess, I’m not motivated to clean and just sleep downstairs with it. I’m not motivated to do anything. I try to do my hobbies that I liked doing such as drawing, biking etc. but it doesn’t feel the same. Nothing feels the same, I wish i was little again and have fun. However at the same time, I realize when I was younger I had no friends, I never really hung out w anyone because I felt like they didn’t like me; that’s the friend group i got now. Ik they care for me and stuff, but yk they have someone they would go to right away, that special bff they’d pick for groups or partners. I’ve always been left out, having no one. If i left them, it wouldn’t make a difference. I was never the #1 best friend, had no one to talk to so i bottled all my feelings. To this day, got no one. One of my friends got into a breakup and would go to me just to vent and I was here for it because I felt like I was finally someone they could go to, but as soon as our other friend came back she started going to her more. idk.. me not having friends and shit just makes it even harder for me to make friends or talk to anyone in general. I start shaking or fidgeting with my fingers when Im trying to talk to someone or present a project in front of the class. I realize that I sometimes do things for attention. I hate it, I don’t know why I do it. Ig i just want someone to notice me. Anyways, I am sorry for anyone reading this LOL this my first time here and I just needed to vent..