Ok. For starters, apologies in advance for the following randomness. It's about to be all over the place. I don't know where I'm going with this. First, I'll start off with an AITA rant:

It's no secret to those that know me about my depression. And I love that I finally have a job that offer PPTO. I've been saving it for months for important things. My son competing in Special Olympics. Doctors appointments that his mother had. Trying to save up was kinda getting a little chaotic. Overwhelming. Until I finally found the perfect time to take a day to myself. To focus on my mental health. Now before I continue, I will add that I am divorced (12 years), I still live with my family. Ex-wife, our son, and  I. Living with them is not to point of this, so please keep any comments about that to yourself. As well as sharing a place to live, we also share a car. So I get rides into work every so often so she can run errands or go to appointments. I had picked the perfect day to call in to take a Justin day. Tuesday (yesterday). Sunday night I asked which days she would be taking me to work. She tells me Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I let out a soft exhale along with an even softer "Shit". Upon hearing that she asked what the problem was. So I filled her in on my plan. A plan I no longer was interested in taking anymore. She insisted I still can call in and use it to sleep or whatever. But that wasn't the point. What I wanted to do was wake up at 4am, call in, get dressed, get in the car, and go somewhere private. No idea what was gonna happen after that. Maybe slip in the backseat and get some sleep in a park. Photography used to be a passion of mine. Maybe spend the day capturing some photos. Just something to try and find myself. Apparently that was an issue. All of a sudden, I am doing things behind her back. I am lying to her. I am being rude. WHAT??? All I was trying to do was focus on my mental well being so people like her and those I work with will stop seeing me drag my feet with my eyes fixated on the floor. There is no eye to eye contact with anyone through my work day. Just please let me take a day for myself. I have put aside other days for more important things for everyone. I cannot have a day to myself. This discussion turned sour all because it was something I wanted to do all the while she would be under the impression I would be at work. I'm trying to think about not feeling like I want to end my life and ways I can go about it. And all she does it make it about her.

I still want to end my life. I'm laying in bed with a bottle to my left and a razor to my right. The only thing calming me down is the music I got in the background. Moving on. I wake up this morning feeling a different kind of way. While yes, she I my ex-wife, we still remained friends through all these years. I'd even tell people we're better friends than we were a couple. Not only are we friends, she is my only friend. Until today that is.

I tell myself today is the day I'm gonna write her a note. I've fallen so deep that I have not spoken a single word to her for three days now. Long story short, I told her that I was sorry for the way I've been feeling. Some of the reasons I have been this way. And that I was thinking that it was time to end our friendship. This is the first time I have been the ender. All other friends had abandoned me. Even trying to reconnect with them lasted all of 2 minutes. I sat on the other side of the room as she read it. She sets it on the floor. And goes on about her business. It was kind of expected but yet I'm still shocked and hurt she didn't even try to make a statement. Even when i kinda exaggerated one of the reason she had made me upset. Im willing to let bygones be bygones if she would just apologize for the way she came at me about wanting to take a day to myself and those reasons I mentioned before. Seriously, answer me this question. Why is it damn near impossible for (now I'm not coming at or attacking all women here or anywhere--just saying it for the sake of saying it) women to apologize. She has tried. But she throws that fucking "you feel that way" at the end of the "I'm sorry". Bullshit. That's not good enough. Stop fucking saying "I'm sorry you feel that way". That still puts the blame on me. I'm still at fault. I'm still in the wrong. 

Now I know where I stand. I have lost everything now. Nothing left to do but do what needs to be done. 

If you read this far, thank you for letting me speak. I wish I had something more positive to say, but I'm all empty. Everything...everything is gone. And soon, so will I. 

Goodbye