

I was always a self-conscious and melancholic or even depressed person. 

I started hitting the gym 3 years ago and with me losing weight and gaining muscle my self-esteem and my happiness, in general, got a lot better.  This was the only period in my life I was genuinely happy. 

But where I live (Germany) the Gyms are closed since the beginning of last year, and I've gained 20 kg of pure fat and lost like all my muscle which I've had built up over the last few years and I hate it. It really gets on me mentally I'm under constant sadness for over a year some days I just want to end it all.

What makes me angry is  that it hadn't had to be this bad.

My family can afford the home gym equipment necessary, so I wanted to work and seek a job BUT they didn't allow it. I don't know why, but they just don't allow me to get a job. 

They promised to give me my "child support money" (in Germany they give everyone under 21 I think 200-300 euros).  I've waited. They told me that there was something wrong with the paperwork and that we didn't receive the money for a few months.

When the money came it was around 800Euros, exactly what the equipment costs.

Yk I was happy I thought that I could finally buy it, but they just didn't give it to me.

 They told me that they would give it back to me one day but every time I ask they just try to guilt-trip me and put a lot of pressure on me if I would ask them for something ridiculous or shameful. 

I know that it sounds silly for some of you reading this, but I just can't practice the one thing that makes me happy.

It feels like I got robbed. I can't work. I don't have some kind of income. I'm completely dependent on them. I don't have any freedom. I would like to buy things for my Girlfriend, but I can't.

I could've worked these last 16 months and would have everything I need bur no.

Furthermore, I'm in my last year of school after June and my course is heavily focused on sports because I was athletic back then.

Not only does this fuck up me mentally it also fucks up my future by wrecking my grades.

I hate it. I'm sad.  And can't do anything about it. 



idk if anyone will read this, but I just can't tell it to anyone else in real life.

toxic masculinity i guess