     First of all I have BPD it was my life's mission to be with this one specific girl I chased for 13 years even if she wasn't around it seems like everything I did was in order to eventually be good enough for her college talents goals whatever you name it, working 14 hour days in to the morning.  About 2 years ago I got closure on all that and found out what BPD was an how and why I was being so delusional thats all fine. I'm not bitter I'm not thinking "oh whats the point without her" i dont even think about her anymore unless I'm talking mental illness. 
     I'm just genuinely lost. My dreams are all dead or just not interesting to me anymore I have no direction I'm homeless I migrate between my parents house like I did all my childhood. I have no job atm i have a hard time holding one down anyway. I tried college I wanted to be a programmer for educational VR software or games whatever but I dropped out trying to also work overtime and the university denied my appeal simply because I didn't have the check stubs to prove what wrong.
     Now everything feels so empty and meaningless and like I don't wanna die but I wouldn't mind if I just ceased to exist. I'm sitting here trying to inspire myself to get passionate about some dream or goal so I can go on living for it but I'm just going in circles with how pointless everything is. My moms worried she told me to ask her for help I said I'll ask for help when I know what to ask for I honestly don't know what I would ask her for. Money? Sure but for what get my car running?  For what a job?  For what?  I just don't care anymore and this not caring started when I got closure on the emily situation..after the insuing manic episode that allowed me to work overtime while going to college full time until that collapsed on me and I found myself back in reality with no job no school no purpose. That was about 2 years ago ive just been drifting ever since. 
     I want to see meaning in life again I want a purpose a goal a dream a passion that will get me through life I mean I have lots of hobbies I enjoy but nothing thats really of any value to anyone else.