(When I was a kid, I was bullied a lot for being “gay”... I learned to suppress who I am, as an LGBT person. Maybe I’m trans. But I didn’t just suppress that. I suppressed everything. Sadness? Boys don’t cry. Anger? You’ll look crazy. Stress? You can’t be weak. Happiness? Happiness means you’ll be called “gay.” Shame? They’ll figure out who you really are if you express that. Femininity? Absolutely not. This was my reality for most of my childhood. I don’t think I told a single person how I was really feeling about anything until I was 15. I came out as gay when I was 15... i got acceptance. I still hate myself. My parents had untreated mental illness, or were emotionally unavailable... tried to end my life many many times....)

I, 22, started meditating recently and realized I never broke this cycle. I’ve been using weed, porn, internet, junk food, inauthenticity etc. to wear this armour for 10+ years. To never show the true me. I’ve become numb. And I’m wanting to break free. I forgot this was /my/ life. I’ve been thinking that I had to live it for everyone else.

I thought moving away would fix it. I thought moving home would make me happy. I thought college would be a fun time for me to grow. thought cute boys would make it go away and make me okay with who I am. I thought alcohol and cocaine and antidepressants and benzos would make me feel peace. I ended up blacking out and almost falling asleep while this guy put himself inside me. But hey, he “accepted me” right?

When those things wore off, I was left in the same spot. Stuck and miserable. And incredibly stressed out.

I wake up and feel the immense stress of the unsupressed emotions. I’ve had 9 hours of sleep and nothing to numb me during that time. Its like a whirlwhind of pain. I can see 100 memories flashing in my head, it’s hell. So I do the same things every day to suppress it. I never let myself unfold. I never listen to what the emotions have been telling me all along. 

I want to listen to what the emotional needs are. I just dont know how. I’ve never done this before, listened to myself. I don’t want to be numb anymore. Any suggestions? Hospitals are flooded with coronavirus, and all they’ll do is assess me and give me more meds. I’ve been 100 times. I want to break free. I want to be happy.