So I recently found out my favorite person and basically only friend of mine will be going on vacation soon with a friend of hers. And now, I'm very ashamed to admit that's making me suffer. The fact that she has other friends is a trigger of mine( and we are only online friends) because not only does it feel like she's ignoring me/abandoning me every time she's out with her irl friends, but I also kind of envy her for having a social circle while I don't, and it's hard to be told I could have that as well because other people don't understand how difficult it is to make a connection and then when you do, it becomes this obsessive thus leads to avoiding trying to begin with.

Another thing that drives me crazy is that she won't tell me all the details about her vacation- yeah sounds bad, I know. But not knowing when she'll be leaving or for how long gives me so much anxiety I've just been breaking down daily. I want to know when she'll be gone to prepare myself mentally and hopefully detach enough for it not to hurt as much, and I wanna know for how long that'll be because I guess I just want to count down the hours until I can go back to having her attention- if she hasn't gotten over our friendship by then. But obviously I can't simply be intrusive about it. Not being told anything fuels the paranoid thoughts and sadly I don't have a single coping mechanism to soothe myself during these moments. She hasn't left yet and I'm fearing the moment she's away, it'll get worse for me. I'm honestly scared of what I might do.

I know I should be in therapy for this, and I was getting help months ago but I can't afford it anymore. I guess I kinda hope someone can relate to this so I know I'm not alone. It certainly feels so lonely when you can't be open about the way you feel in fear of being abandoned for being "too much" or being perceived as toxic because of your reactions. Thanks for reading all of this.