I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 for about 8 years. 3 attempts in that time, 2 hospitalizations, one for 4 months. The 4 month hospitalization was my last one and was 4 years ago and I have been 'okay' since then. 

I have never really been on meds. I have flirted briefly with Lamictal, Seroquel, Wellbutrin, and Geodon. Never took any of them long enough to feel relief of symptoms and the side effects were too intense for me to keep trying them. 

I am considered high functioning. I work a high stress, full time job in the medical field. I recently got my second bachelor's degree in my current field and graduated magna cum laude. I have a good, long term relationship with a good partner. I exercise, eat right, maintain a home, have hobbies, and appear to be a perfectly normal person to everyone on the outside. On the inside I am not perfectly normal and every moment is an intense struggle and battle with control of the depression on hypomania, depending on the flavor of the mood. 

I have been seeing my current psychiatrist and therapist off and on for a little over 2 years. I have been in an intense depressive episode for a few months. I am honestly hanging on by a thread, but no one knows but me and them. They are both pushing me to start meds, specifically Lithium, Latuda, or Abilify. I have been refusing based on my experiences with other meds. They are about to dismiss me from their care because I won't medicate because I'm terrified that any meds I take will give me such horrible side effects that I won't be able to perform how I do on the outside. I do not trust bipolar meds to not give me EPS symptoms, extreme fatigue, or destroy my ability to do multiple things at one time, with high attention to detail, which I need for my job. 

How do I get past my fear of meds and just take them so I don't have a hellhole of a brain to fight with every single day?