We've been together for a year and I've known about this problem of his for about 8 months. He even went as far as to screenshot pictures of his girl friends on instagram to use as his personal material. He even had a lot of the friends sorted by albums with their names and their revealing instagram pictures. 

We've fought about it many times. And each and every time he's shifted the problem to me. I was the one being in the wrong for snooping in his phone and PC (I know that) and I was the problem for having insecurety issues. He's even blamed my bpd for reacting to this. 

When I told him I couldn't stand it anymore and that I wanted to break up he first tested me and said go for it. And I did. A couple hours later he came forward and told me he realized how bad his behaviour was and that he would delete all the thousands of pictures on his phone and PC. So I got back together with him if he promised to never save pictures like that again, especially of people we know irl. I told him I was fine with him looking at onlyfans/twitter girls whom he would never be able to meet or know irl. He respected that.

About a month later I felt as if I had to see it with my own eyes if he was keeping this promise so I looked in his phone again. He didn't have any pictures saved on his phone anymore, but looking into his saved pictures on instagram there they all were. Recent ones as well. He was still saving pictures, just on instagram. I bet he didn't think I'd look into that. And so I confronted him and he got angry at me again. He told me a bad excuse for him not understanding and that he just thought he wasn't allowed to screenshot the pictures. Sigh. Even though I had very clearly told him that him getting off to his and my girl friends pictures is making me feel sick and heartbroken. It makes me feel like shit. As if he's finding them more desireable and attractive than me, his own girlfriend. I also explained that it's fkd up to get off to their pictures where they don't even know of it. I wouldn't be comfortable hanging out with a friend if I knew he was using my pictures to jerk off. I'm sure most wouldn't feel comfortable with that. And after a long fight where he tried to gaslight me and manipulate me he finally gave in when I stood my ground. So he admitted his fault and deleted the saved pictures from instagram as well. 

All was good for a while except for a few instances where girls would flirt with him at parties and he would take their snapchat. But that's another story. He seems to like getting attention from other girls even though it's disrespectful towards me to lead them on. 

And then, a week ago, I got a bad gut feeling and had to see with my own eyes if he had kept the promise of not jerking off to our friends pictures. 

He did in fact keep the promise of not saving pictures. But looking into his search history and his activity on instagram I could see that he was frequently visiting his and my girl friends instagram accounts and their linktree link where they had their onlyfans account linked or their vs:co links with albums of themselves in bikinis and other almost nude photos. 

He's still, after all, using pictures of people we both know irl and getting off to them. And everytime I see one of these people irl or on social media my heart just breaks a little because all I can think of is my boyfriend getting off to their pictures. 

I confronted him about it and he, of course, blamed me again for being a stalker and not respecting his boundaries of not looking in his phone. I explained that the only way I'll know that he's keeping his promise of not breaking my boundaries is by looking in his phone and see it with my own eyes. And clearly I could see that he wasn't respecting me. 

We had a fight yesterday where I couldn't even speak because he was yelling at me and accusing me of being the problem for being insecure and controlling. He told me that I have to seek therapy for my bpd and my trust issues or I will never be able to be in a relationship ever again. He interrupted me whenever I tried to talk and explain why I'm feeling disrespected and just kept throwing shade at me. I'm the problem, I always has been, and he can do whatever he wants with his body. 

I was on the way to tell him that I want to break up because this isn't working. Before I could finish he interrupted me and told me he's the one who wants to break up because he can't stand me anymore.

I sat there quiet. Listening to his rants about how horrible I am. And when he calmed down he asked me what I wanted. I told him I don't know. I guess my abandonement issues came in and blocked me from being brave enough to just tell him that I'm done. 

As of right now we haven't talked since then which was last night. I'm feeling drained and empty. I'm not particularly sad. I don't really feel heartbroken either. I guess I just feel tired. Tired of being yelled at and tired of never being heard or having my feelings and boundaries respected. 

I feel as if he's been manipulating me this whole time. He's gaslighted me many times as well. But it's also hard to know for certain since he's told me many times that it's just me being paranoid and that he's never and would never lie to me or manipulate me. He says it's just my bpd. 

I don't know if it's me having bpd being the problem. Maybe it is me just being insecure and controlling. And I've tried to get better by researching online on how to battle insecurity, trust issues and paranoia. But even after all these months of me trying to get better by listening to him telling me that I'm the problem and I'm the one with issues that needs to get solved, I still feel like this.

I feel disrespected. I feel manipulated and gaslit. I feel like a fool. And I'm tired. 

I know I need to leave him. I'm just scared. I feel as if I might regret it later on when the feelings of abandonement and loneliness hits me. 

I need help. I need advice. I need an outside perspective of this even though you've only heard my side of the story. 

I'm tired of feeling like this.