
Hi, I'm 23M, Southeast Asian, eldest among my siblings, obese, haven't been in a relationship, no real passion or hobbies. Spends free time watching Hololive, animes and football.

 TL:DR Was a STEM degree student, depressed, quitted, enrolled in non STEM degree, almost graduated, just realized and feel regret not a STEM degree.  Blaming myself and don't know what to feel or do about it. Need advice/recommendations/hugs/encouragement. 

I'll start from the beginning. I was 19 when I enrolled in a public university miles away from my home for an engineering course. My highschool exam weren't that excellent but good enough to enroll in a STEM degree(EE engineering) . As I put in my intro, I don't really have any passion. I chose the course because I really look up to my dad and always wanted to become like him. My dad is an engineer working at a GLC here in my country. So he has a very stable job and good wages. Even in this pandemic we could still afford things that we want. We're considered a bit privileged in terms of household income.

It was only my dad that sent me there because it was far from our home. My mom and siblings will come over once they have school holidays. So there was that. I went there for first semester. Then I was accepted to receive loan from the GLC where my father work. It will be covering my 4 years study. The loan can be exchanged to scholarship if I do well in my study and the company can hire me after I finish my study.

3 semesters in, my results weren't as good as I thought it would be. I have problem fitting myself in with my peers. Also I have problem regarding my transportation and my accommodation. I'd woke up late and missed the bus to my classes and end up a lot of time not attending the classes. Also my room is far away from the rest of my peers, so I don't really have friends from my class. I had to retake few classes since I failed it last semester. Then I worried about not being able to turn my loan into scholarship since I didn't do well and might be not be finishing my study in 4 years time.

I met with my university counselor. Had a few sessions but result in nothing. I addressed about my results and my admiration towards my dad. I felt like I failed. And got advice to change my study habit. My mind wasn't at its best at this time. Then I met with my head of the program. Again addressed about my results and stuff. Didn't told about other problems. My fault. He asked what I really liked and wanted to do. I said I didn't know. I just followed the flow. He gave me 2 options, to either change my course or take a gap year. Took a while to think about it. Told my dad on the phone about it as well. My dad is not a strict dad like others that only wanted his children to become only this or that. But I also told that I couldn't handle all this stress anymore and I wanted to quit. I just want to get back home. He didn't really pushed me to stay for more semesters and told me to properly quit if I really wanted to. So I did. I went and fill in all forms and stuff. And I went back home.

I was depressed. Way earlier than I thought. I was already depressed in my 2nd semester but I didn't know it was a depression. I thought it was just me overthinking and stuff. And I wouldn't dare to tell about my feelings to others, I'm afraid people will tell me that I was just making it up and don't be such a baby. I wasn't aware of it.

I came back home feeling depressed, at a point were I got told by my dad to not be sad. Everyone's home got affected by my energy. So I tried to be happy. I tried to smile. I went back home after I failed my dream and everyone's hope and smile like nothing happened. I end up having to pay back all my loans for my 3 semesters. I had some savings so I paid. I shut off in my room, only come out to eat. It was really dark period for me. After few months, I felt bit better.

Mom told me to apply for anything as long as it's a degree. Because what else do I want to do. I didn't have any plans after I quit. So I applied. I was determined not to have anything with science or engineering. Months later, I was offered to enrolled at a closer public university in Hotel and Tourism Management degree. It was a 3 years program. I don't know how should I feel at that point. I don't really like the program tho I was the one that filled in my application because I thought I could travel the world when I could just do it even with other degree. My dad was trying to get me to feel optimistic even though its just a management degree. At least I'd have a degree. And I thought the same as well, but with bit of disappointment. It was months or a year that I'd have to go through this kind of depressive emotion. I cut away all my friends from my life. I privated all of my social media only to myself. 

So I enrolled again at the age of 21. Fortunately enough, my peers was around my age as well, because they came from polytechnics schools. We only at the campus for 1 month before having to get back and have online distance learning from home. 

2 years gone by, now I'm 23, in my 4th semester and only have 2 semesters left before I'll be graduating. My current CGPA is 3.52. I have classmates that I can talk to and study together tho it's through the internet. The past two year was comparably better and happier than the year before. Having to learn online at hone also helps a lot. 

But earlier this month (November) as I start my 4th semester, suddenly life just slams me real hard. I remembered everything that I went through before and just realized. I realized that I was getting older. My parents as well as my siblings. Only a few years left till I'll be in my 30s and I haven't achieved anything. I felt like tine flew so fast. I somehow have to get a job after this and leave the comfort and safety of my home. I have to go out and work, get a life, have a family, and leaving my parents and siblings. I don't want to. I don't want to leave them. Also, I'm ashamed when people asked me what I'm studying now. Very ashamed of it. Because it's not a STEM degree and not highly regarded and I have to tell that I quit my previous engineering degree. I'm ashamed of myself. My younger self would not forgive me if he knew what have I done to myself. I also don't see myself working in the field. I can only think of working at hotels as service desk, receptionist or maybe at a small travel agency with shabby wages. I could just had a degree in STEM and still could do all this work even without a degree as well. I just felt like I chose the wrong degree. I'm not excited to be graduating. Absolutely not. And all of this will be part of my story. I quit and studied in a non STEM degree. Just stupid me. And to make worse, my dad funded my study. I feel like I've betrayed my dad's trust and money. To add more pain, my lil brother is taking a physics degree in the top university at my country, my cousins in STEM degree. 

Earlier this month I have anxiety, for few days it was terrible because of this thought. Fortunately I had mid semester break now, the anxiety has lessen but I'd woke up feeling regret. 

Now, I'm trying to be happy and really appreciate my present and small things. I started to diet and take walks every morning. Tried to learn coding (Phyton), just because I think this might be my only option and not because I really like to code. Learning Korean and Japanese but really at.a slow pace because I'm lazy. I don't really have any other problems like others(abusive household, drugs etc) , my only problem is my future i guess. 

I haven't talked to my parents about my thoughts and I don't think I should. I don't want to disappoint them again. I've already feel enough of pain. My plan right now is to just finish my degree. That what I was being told by my university advisor as well as what others on reddit told me to. Then I'll try to work in the industry.

But I still have this feeling, and I don't want to regret. I was suggested to take a part time engineering degree later after I get a job. I'm not sure about that option. It is because I'll be needing to pay 3x than what I would if I were to take a full time degree. I got the price fee from some local university that I went through in the internet. So I might have to take a student loan when I don't really have any loan for my current degree. I don't want that. I don't want to be burdened to pay the loans. Also I'll be graduating in my late 20s or early 30s.I can't guarantee that I'll be motivated enough to continue till I finish it. Also the engineering field right now locally is not good, a lot of changed to other field as some have told me. But I just want that recognition that I'm an engineering student. The pride of being an engineer. Also because my dad is an engineer. Not really about the money tho its much better I think that what my current degree could offer.  

Any thoughts? Recommendations? Advice? 
If not any encouragement would be good enough. I just need hugs. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. 

Thank you for taking your time to read my post.