I was diagnosed with clinical depression a month ago. I haven't really made my diagnosis public, if someone ask I'll tell, because in public I'm really giddy, playful and like the banter and joking around. But, as I work from home and I go out like 5 or 6 times per month, I dive into my intrusive thoughts, get mad easily, and can't enjoy anything. My sleep quality sucks, sleeping through the night is a rare occurence. 

It has hit me really hard because I went to the psychiatrist because I believe I had ADHD, but in turns out it was my undiagnosed depression crippling me out. I get distracted pretty easily, I don't have appetite (I eat because I'm hungry, but sometimes don't enjoy food)

And something that pisses me off to no end is the fact that people think that depression is just being sad. Not it is not, to me is like a fog that clouds my judgement, and it is suffocating me. They think I'm not trying enough, I mean, I do try, it's just that I get tired so easily. If I'm taking meds it's because it's unbeareable to live like this and I need the support meds give to become more functional.

But I do have support though. I can love, I love my boyfriend to death and I know he loves me too, I know he tries his hardest to understand me. My closest friends are aware and are being really patient with me, even though I used to lash out with them for the smallest things before being diagnosed. My parents love me, they aren't perfect but they try to understand me, my extended family loves me too, even when I get overwhelmed. Any change in my routine overwhelms me, if there's too much noise, if someone comes to stay in my house, getting visits.

The weirdest thing to me is that I'm not suicidal. I don't wanna die, I'm afraid of death. I do sometimes think about how the people that's close to me will react if I die. Sometimes my intrusive thoughts are about how will people react if I fall seriously ill or injured. I'm afraid of driving because trailers scare me, I'm someone who gets scared really easily. 

I think that's it, thank you if you get this far. I needed to take this out of my chest.