TLDR because I could probably type for hours: I was diagnosed sometime in my late teens, after an attempt. I tried a few medications but never stuck with them. I'm 24 now. I screwed up a wonderful, ideal, beautiful relationship with someone who's loved me more than I ever experienced before. My relationship before this was emotionally and mentally abusive and I let that hover over my most recent one and destroy it. This one was different. I thought it was forever. I threw a temper tantrum and lost him. This has been the worst month of my life. I want to stop hurting people I love. I have my first DBT appointment scheduled for Tuesday (it's Saturday night now) but I'm not as optimistic as I should be because I'm so impatient. 

What gets better? When do things start to make sense? Does treatment make it easier to get out bed? I work once every few days and only enough to pay bills. Will anything help motivate me? Will it make the knots in my stomach go away so I don't lose my appetite for days at a time? My head hurts constantly from hunger and dehydration. Everything I used to love doesn't have the same spark, my passions don't make me smile anymore. 

I guess I just need some optimistic insight from people who are in recovery. I can't afford inpatient treatment as badly as I want and need it and you're all so kind to each other here, it's taken me a while to have the courage to post here so I'm sorry if any of this is wrong. I just want real actual valid experiences that I won't feel like this forever, because every time I hear, "distract yourself, you'll be okay," I just feel worse. Thank you all. 