

So, I felt a little needy and was trying to bring this up with my partner when it backfired. I ended up trying to break up the relationship and when my boyfriend said something along the lines of “If you really feel like we should break up, then maybe we should” I flipped. I freaked out because I didn’t want him to leave me. I ended up feeling suicidal and he had to hide all the sharp stuff because I threatened to self harm. He then had a panic attack because he was scared I would do something stupid. I then went into to “save my boyfriend mode” and now we both feel drained from the last few hours.

I feel like I’ve just woken up from a 3 day bender and seen all the destruction I have caused. I’m in the process of being bounced around mental health assessors and BPD has been suggested. Since the mental health professionals seem to take my referral seriously and looking into it a bit further I have been doing various things as recommended by professionals and suggestions from on here to tide me over while I wait for therapy some kind of help. But  I don’t want to “blow up” on my boyfriend like that again.

I’ve done it a few times before and did it a lot in my previous relationship. I know I need to get better at this but once I enter that particular mode (I think I split) there’s no rational me any more and I feel like I’m possessed by a monster). Anyone got any advice?

TL;DR: awaiting diagnosis and therapy, keep blowing up on my boyfriend. Doing my best with what tools I have, any advice to prevent this from happening while I “wait” for professional help.