I put a warning for suicide, although - this is *not* about suicide. I am NOT suicidal in any capacity. 

I lost my fear of death. I’ve nearly died because of domestic abuse 4 times. The feeling of being so close to death was... nice? 

The first time it happened, I was scared, panicking and trying and trying to get the jacket off my face so that I could breathe again. I then began feeling myself go limp, and I embraced it instead. A wave of calm flooded over me and I was ready. Ready to go. It was only when I made peace with my dying that my abuser allowed me to breathe again. 

I used to have such a fear of being murdered or dying that I would race up the stairs after turning the lights off, run into the bathroom and rip open the shower curtain to check if anyone was there before brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. 

I don’t do that anymore. I walk into my bathroom and I think: “If someone is in my shower, and they’re going to kill me - I’d rather just not know in advance.” And I feel at peace. 

I often get urges to open the car door and take my seatbelt off when we’re speeding down a motorway. I don’t do it, purely for the safety of others. 

I honestly am not suicidal. I just kinda want to die because I’ve RADICALLY ACCEPTED that life is a pile of bullshit and I personally, would like to opt out. I just can’t cause I got a kid and 3 animals. Yes, I’ve done DBT. Yes, it helped me see with FULL clarity the truth about life. 

And it just feels so much nicer to die.