Long before I realized I was a lesbian, knew what comp het was or that I even had borderline personality disorder and without anyone knowing I used to put myself in all kinds of situations that mimicked my childhood sexual abuse.  

History: My mom used me to lure in underaged boys by forcing me to have sex with them. And would later have relationships with them herself. Everyday for hours this went on and she would even pull me out of school for it. I was a puppet. The boys were aware it was against my consent... trust me they were. It started when I was 12 and ended when she was arrested for it at when I was 17. There is so much more to this but I’ll spare you. 

When my Mom was arrested I was at the peak of my eating disorder. I had no one in my life or family. I  ended up homeless while in college and slept in my car. I didn’t know a life without abuse or sex and I think that’s what prompted me to constantly put myself in horrible positions. I didn’t have a sense of self or identity and I sure as hell would never have one outside of the one thing I was told I was good for. So yes after I was “free”,  I would sext and give sexual favors to multiple men. It was like I was on auto pilot. I would hear her in my head and felt like I had to. I didn’t know who to be. My mom trained me to do one thing and I didn’t know who I was outside of it. No one in my life knew this. I definitely have always been a quiet borderline. 

I met my wife when I was 19 and I definitely was very abusive to her in the beginning of our relationship for many reasons that are no excuse. But I kept doing these things behind her back and even worse sent out images of her when we were intimate without her consent just like my mom would do to me. I definitely believe that is sexual assault itself and I still don’t know to this day how she has chosen to forgive me or how I have changed into a different human being through therapy and how as a couple with professional help we have made strides to overcome this. It sounds like complete sus bullshit but I am not even lying. I don’t know why or how she is still here and I don’t think our relationship meets the criteria for toxic at all. It’s quite the opposite. 

My point of venting is today one of these guys, a beard whatever you want to call him messaged me all these 6 years later asking me to contact him. This guy specifically would use me just for sex or sexual favors after we “broke up”. He would show up to my address asking for them. And was emotionally toxic as hell. I definitely know that he knew how young and vulnerable I was when we met. How I had no one and how I autopiloted and felt like I could never say No. I told him the fuck off today and told him to never ever contact me again and blocked him. 

I am proud of myself for the progress but tbh I am triggered as fuck. 

I definitely feel like self harming. I have already binged and purged ( I haven’t done this in years) and I feel like I want to die. Literally. The intense emotions are like a fucking fire work show. I feel like I am going to explode. It is unbearable. I have not been this dysregulated in forever. I am pretty sure I’ve had some level of psychosis and serious dissociation. I hate myself for what I did to myself and for what I did to the one person who has safely loved and cared for me. The worst part is my wife is also triggered. No shit I used to cheat on her all the time and traumatized her. 

She knows he messaged. She knows I sent him this. I want to be there for her because I did this to her but it is so hard at the same time when I cannot function and look past my own feelings and self harming traumas. This is really just hell on earth.  

Sincerely, 

A garbage borderline