I have been friends with S for years. He always wanted something more, I tried a few times but ultimately decided no. After 6 months of talking non stop we decided to try to be romantic, he came and hung out with me one day and it felt really good, happy, normal etc etc. on nye he came to my hometown and got drinks with my friends and met my parents (we've been best friends on and off for a few years). 

He acted so casual with my parents, cursing, brought his own beer , looked sloppy, tried to tell all of us what to do etc. It just was a turn off. While he is a nice guy I just wasn't feeling it. I finally got up the nerves to break it off last night but after doing it I was laying in bed thinking I messed up. Called him this morning and tried to tell him but decided that maybe I was right to start with. 

I truly am not trying to play with his feelings or lead him on again like I did in college. I just don't want to lose him because he is my best friend and part of me feels like i need to be romantic with him to keep him in my life. I don't ever want to yo yo anyone around. Sometimes I am just so back and forth with my thoughts and feelings and I am not sure what to do.

I told him that i needed a week to think through everything and for us not to talk. I just cannot do this again. I can't keep doing this to him. He deserves so much more and I don't know why he puts up with my bs. I've dated people in the past and never really had this struggle. I feel like if I really liked him romantically this wouldn't be an issue and we'd be dating. I just don't know if my romantic feelings are strong enough to not flip flop or him.

tips on how to manage emotions, not flip from black or white, want to date want to be single. I don't want to play with his feelings.