Just wanted to share that I attended therapy yesterday - I do it every friday - and it was a hard one, wtih crying and feeling tired after. We were talking about my my biggest fear, about how I feel like something terrible will happen so I have to do things now and fast since I’m still able to do it. I don’t know if I’m able to desribe it well so sorry in advance. I’m scared that me or someone dear to me is or will be terribly ill and all the good things will stop because of it. It makes me unable to be happy and feel any joy when I succeed in sth since I know that it’s only temporary and I have lot of things to do while I still can so I need to move on. 
We also talked about my mother, who abused me and is an alcocholic. I told him that when I was a child I talked to her at morning while she was still sober and there was any contact with her. I also reminded - while talking to her - that I should not be happy since it will pass and I will have to deal with her being drunk and violent. He told me that it’s pretty obvious from who I’m stealing my happy time - it’s like I’m still living there. Situation changed but the feelings didn’t and I’m still waiting for the bad time to come. It’s a mechanism that I developed as I child to prepare and defend myself but it just won’t go away even when I’m 30. Just wanted to share to know what you think aout it. Personally this theory really struck me hard as it seemed to have so much sense.