This has been a long and difficult year for me, full of heartbreak. I would say that I have spent most of my year feeling depressed, worthless, and suicidal. Never before had I considered suicide as strongly as I do now. It's actually comical to me at this point. I'm hearing things. I have no urge to hurt anyone other than myself, but I frequently hear things that aren't there. Most notably I heard a voice telling me "Go home, gotta go home". And it scared the fuck out of me because I've never heard anything like that before.

I live in a very small town. Around 1,000 people. I'm new here, I just moved from a bigger city that had around 30,000ish. Our mental health clinic isn't very good. They treat you and street you. My psychiatrist doesn't know my name. They've given me medicine that has kind of worked, but I don't think they've ever given me anything that has actually worked aside from sleeping medication, which is still iffy. I'm not getting the help I need. They've put me on a cocktail of drugs that don't work. 

I think I have to spend time at a hospital before things get worse and I do something that I can't take back. I'm scared. I feel embarrassed. I don't know how I managed to write all of this, because it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. 

I don't know why I'm writing this here. I think I just needed someone to read this. Someone who could understand it, instead of pretend to. 

2016: Things can never get worse than this.

2017: Hold my beer, I'll kill your grandma and make your entire family shatter while you remain friendless, depressed, unemployed and suicidal.

The only reasons I haven't just killed myself are because it would hurt my family even worse and I keep thinking about the two guys that jumped off the golden gate bridge. They thought to themselves immediately after "Aw fuck that was dumb." I don't think I have the balls to kill myself. And I think if I did, and then failed, I would succeed immediately afterward because I'm too much of a little bitch to deal with the embarrassment of surviving a suicide attempt. All the strong people I idolize would look down on me and pity me because I am weak. I can't stand myself.

Thank you for reading. 