My mental health journey began when I learned I might have BPD or BPD traits.

Since then, I’ve tried to comfort myself by telling myself that I’m “self-aware” and if I’m able to catch this behavior i would be able to take a step back and re-evaluate my emotions. But I’ve been worried that counts as “bottling up” my emotions which eventually led to this explosive splitting problem.

I used to think that I didn’t really subscribe to this “favorite person” idea, because in the past I’d be able to ignore certain things that might set other people off. But now I see the error in my thinking...

Premise: a few months back I was in the first intense relationship I’ve ever been in. Seriously, I loved this girl and she taught me a lot about myself. (This was before I realized I might have BPD) and so I was going through all these normal BPD mood swings as normal, not thinking it was a problem...until it was.

We broke up in February and I was completely devastated. I had many instances of splitting with this person in the past, but again, I didn’t really think it was an issue. The breakup was intense...I won’t go into much detail.

Fast forward to April, we re-connected and started to talk about the possibility of getting back together. This was when I began researching a lot about my mental health, and began to suspect I might have BPD. I spoke to her about it a few weeks ago, telling her about what I feel, and basically explaining to her how this might have affected my behavior towards her in the past. I told her I was a little more self aware, and that I want to become better for her. 

Things were going good. Until I kind of realized the ‘friendship’ we had...was really one-sided. She has problems of her own, and she’d always come to me about them. I was more than happy to help her through these problems, always there for her at a minutes notice. Picking up her 4am calls, giving her advice about what to do. And also trying to be less critical of our relationship in my head. 

I liked the idea of having someone I can talk to, sharing my innermost thoughts and problems and not having to worry about being judged or labeled as a crazy person. Only one problem...she never seemed interested in my problems. Hell, she never seemed interested in what I had to say. I know I’m not the most interesting person...but we’re friends...more than friends, and she can’t even be there for me when I have something to talk about. I’m expected to just be there for her whenever she wants to talk, whenever she has a problem, or whenever she’s bored. 

But when I want to talk, it’s never what I expect out of it. I want to be comforted, to be listened to, not have the subject changed into something about her while I’m trying to vent. It just makes me feel like shit. I’ve slowly come to realize this as I’ve been dealing with it for weeks. 

So a few days ago it feels like our relationship dynamic just up and changed out of nowhere. We went from flirting and all that, to just...stale responses and nothingness. 

I texted her that “I missed her” and she told me to go to bed, completely ignoring my intimate emotional response. Idk about normal people, but for me that’s a cause for concern. But again, I try not to overreact and remember that I’m “self-aware” bottling up this emotion as usual. 

Over the last few days we haven’t had much contact. Usually begins with my texting her first, and then getting shit dry responses. Made me feel weird inside, empty, and a little angry to be honest.

Today however was the final straw. For the last few days she’s been ignoring me all day except at a very specific time...4am when she’d call me out of the blue.  I started to realize that our friendship might be one-sided and opted to ignore her calls, feeling disgusted by her. 

She did it again this morning, and I asked her about it. “Why do you only call me at 4am? Why have you called me so many times at 4am. I genuinely don’t get it.”

Paranoia set in, and I texted her again, basically accusing her of using me because she’s bored. 

She was sleeping I guess, so I let it go. Couple hours go by, and I begin to regret “blowing up” on her like that. I told her I was sorry, and that I’m dealing with a lot right now, and that I really appreciated her friendship. 

12 hours go by and no response. I begin to tell myself that I love her, and I don’t want her to feel pressured to respond to my bipolar texts. And that she will respond when she has time, and that’s totally normal.

Well more time goes by and I can’t take it anymore. I’m so sick of her ignoring me, but she expects me to be there for her. Yet she can’t even respond at all. 

So, I give in to my supposed personality disorder. This is the first time I decided to do something rash ever since I learned about the disorder.

I accepted her Snapchat friend request, which I had been ignoring, because in the past I was obsessed with looking at her active status to see if she was deliberately ignoring me. 

She’s been active 5 minutes ago. And as soon as I accept her request, she becomes active now. And guess what? She responds to my text instantly. 

That sets me off. I basically say “fuck you, do us both a favor and never talk to me again.” And then I blocked both her numbers and her Snapchat. 

I split super hard and I realize that now. I feel bad, but at the same time I’m thinking “fuck her.” And now I’m having dark thoughts about her, criticizing her living situation, and the choices she’s made in the past. I’m also fantasizing about not talking to her when classes start back up again. 

Did I have a freak out? I genuinely believe the friendship was one-sided. She’s always complaining about being lonely, and being used by guys, telling me that I’m the only one for her...yet she can’t even listen to my problems. She didn’t even care when I finally had the courage to disclose to her about my supposed disorder. She brushed it away and started doing her makeup, paying me the least amount of attention and giving me shitty bland responses. 

Thanks for the input...and sorry for the rant.