Since I was 11, I've lived through various levels of depression. Sometimes it's been so intense that I've attempted suicide. Most of the times I don't even think I'm depressed. I'm just old enough to know that most people don't carry around such negative opinions about life and self on a daily basis while telling themselves that this is normal. For decades I've felt self-hatred and get through the day by envisioning my own demise. Imagining my own demise brings me comfort like putting a jacket on when it's cold outside. And yet, I feel normal. I tell myself this is normal. Telling myself what a monster I am and how terrible I am and glorifying my own demise makes me feel for a moment that I'm normal. I tell myself that it's normal because I don't actually want to kill myself, and when I really was depressed I really wanted to kill myself, but I glorify killing myself and hating myself as a coping mechanism without really taking the necessary steps to end my life, and therefore I can't depressed. Right? That's what I tell myself.