I'm not diagnosed, but ever since I found out about this disorder I have felt like things finally make sense. I'm looking to go get assessed by a professional soon. I just need to vent. 

I always felt like something was off with me. Spent my whole high school days trying to figure out what it was, bc I didn't make any sense to myself. I have no idea who I am. The only time I feel like anything makes any sense is when I construct this fake predictable world in my mind where I feel like I know what everyone is thinking and what everyone feels. Without that I just feel this constant worry, shame and guilt, like there's no ground under my feet. I internalise everything and I keep people at a distance, always pretending I'm fine, and even though they don't, most people think they know the real me. I honestly don't know who the real me is. I think the only reason I used to have good relations with anyone was because I would mirror the shit out of them, and put up this mask. I put people in the role of caretaker and try so hard to impress them, and get their validation. I idealise them, but if something goes wrong I always blame myself. I should have been such and such, I made them do it, and so on. If I "mess up", or don't live up to my own expectations (which are VERY high), and don't get their approval I proceed to punish myself with constant criticism, insults, and I get the urge to self-harm. I can even have "visions" of them berating me, or insulting me, or telling me I'm worthless. I feel small, unworthy of love, and practically invisible, and I kind of like it that way because I feel like I don't deserve for anyone to notice me. I feel like I'm so broken and I don't want to sully anyone's life by having any contact with them, so I just try to avoid people as much as I can. So much of the time I feel like people are constantly testing me, and waiting for me to mess up. Even with my ex therapist, I felt like I was in interrogation and that I had to constantly prove myself to her with how much better I'm doing, or with the "right" answers to her questions. So much of the time I feel like I can't register that other people around me really exist, and if I can... I'm terrified. I usually dissociate, or break down and freeze, or have an anxiety attack. When I somehow manage to let myself feel and be in the moment (which is only when I'm happy and feel like I'm not a complete bummer as I usually am) I have these moments of manic, disproportional happiness and energy, and I feel like I can conquer the world. Then I usually feel empty after and crash.  

And then, I have days where I forget that any of that happens and I feel like I'm making it all up. It all feels like it didn't happen but I know it did. I think that I'm fine, but then I remember everything. It drives me crazy, I'm just so lost and confused.