i'm chronically depressed and passively suicidal, have been for ten years. i genuinely never imagined i'd make it this far.

i tried going to college for a "useful" degree but i was so depressed and unmotivated that i dropped out in the middle of my 2nd year and isolated myself from all my friends for months. a lot of my relatives are nagging me to try again. get a degree in *anything*, because just having a degree will help me get jobs and "succeed". it's an investment for my future. but like... what future? i don't see a future for myself, i don't even really want a future. put in three or four years of work for the sake of even more years of my life afterwards? shit, i can barely even imagine myself living in next year.

well i've been back at the family house, working part-time to pay the light bill and save up (for nothing in particular) and to just feel like i'm not wasting time. even finding the motivation to work is getting to be difficult, because i don't have any goals that make earning much money necessary.

i feel guilty. i should have a vision for my future. what am i gonna do, live at my parents' house for the rest of my life? am i not gonna get a real job? don't i want to go places, do fun things? no, i don't. i just don't want to be alive. and i hate myself for feeling that way, for lacking motivation for anything at all. 

i don't know what kind of responses to expect -- if any -- i just needed to let this out, somewhere other than the void of a blank page. and i'm sorry if this post isn't fit for the sub; i read the rules and it doesn't seem to break any but i've never been in this sub before so idk if there's like a status quo or something.