I hate being sober

I try my best to stick to mostly weed on a daily basis. It’s not easy. I have weeks and months at a time where I’ll fall into doing harder stuff again, and then I’ll pull myself out of it for a bit .... and then repeat.... 

I don’t like the fact that I smoke weed on a daily basis. I don’t even enjoy weed that much in general. But it’s the most harmless thing I can do in order to scratch that “I can’t handle my thoughts sober” itch. 

I’m 2 days into another xanax/cocaine phase after being off them for .... maybe almost 2 months? I wasn’t counting. 

But then when I try to quit everything, I just end up replacing it with alcohol, and I HATE drinking. I hate how it makes me feel. It makes my anxiety worse. It makes my heart race. 

I just can’t live with myself organically. I want to be content, being sober, and not feel that itch to use something to escape. 

I feel like such a piece of shit. 

Nobody knows the extent of what I’m doing. Obviously people close to me know I have a history/tendency, but they think I’ve been doing good for a while now. Years. I’ve just gotten better at hiding it. I don’t even know who I could talk to about it. Nobody around me would understand and they would be so disappointed. I hate myself