Trigger Warning! Please don't read if you're sensitive towards abuse, or eating related stuff. Throwaway account because I don't feel safe.

&amp;#x200B;

I don't exactly know where to start, part of  my mind is telling me not to even post this because it's dangerous, and everything is in my head, or something bad will happen if I do. I keep having to pause because it's like my body is trying so hard to stop me.

I've never been diagnosed with anything, I've gone to therapy once but that was a mistake. She made me feel like I was lying about everything, and tried avoiding a diagnosis of anything because I "was too young to have mental health issues" in her words, despite just turning 18 at the time. I don't know maybe I am too young, but I don't get it because other people I know even younger than me have received a diagnosis for things they've struggled with. But after that I'm scared to go to therapy.

I can't remember most things in my life, I don't know if that's normal. It's like it was just erased from my memory. I remember some stuff from late middle school to high school, but even that feels like a blank canvas. Like I just wasn't there to live those moments. All I remember from childhood is that my dad was a severe alcoholic until I was probably 14 or 15, and my mom was just never there emotionally. She was too preoccupied dealing with my older sister and alcoholic father I assume. But none of that is enough to cause any trauma I don't think. Shit happens and I see people who have much worse situations be fine. At the same time I can't remember enough to know anything that really happened. I've overheard something from my parents talking later in my life that hints at sexual abuse from a neighbor, but absolutely nothing I can remember.

I'm clearly probably faking every single thing in my life because if I was really that traumatized, I would have flashbacks and wouldn't just have this dumb blank canvas of a brain. I don't know why I can't remember anything. I want to have positive memories to look back on. I mean I have a few but they're from late middle school, just a few but they're there. Mainly from good friends.

I changed schools during sophomore year, and started dating a boy. He was extremely manipulative and abusive in many ways. At least I think that's how it went. I can't remember most of that relationship and I don't know why my brain won't let me remember. I've seen him in the store I work at before, and every single time I see him or anyone who resembles him I start panicking and I can't focus. My vision gets so blurry and I can't focus. I don't know why because I can't remember if what I experienced was abuse or if I'm just overreacting.

I used to watch a lot of shows to escape, and I often delve myself very heavily into shows. I wouldn't say I have "imaginary friends". But after I watched this one show I grew very attached to a few characters. I don't know really how to explain it. I very often will daydream about scenarios and imagine talking to characters from that show. It's not like hearing voices or something, more so I'm talking to myself either outwardly or in my head and will almost make a response myself, but pretend I'm talking to said characters. I know full well they aren't real but I feel like I'm escaping in this world I made in my head.

I often feel like I'm not myself or like I'm not controlling myself, like I'm in autopilot mode. I'll just stare into nothing and not have any thoughts and it's like I'm not real, or there in that moment. I'll stare into the mirror and be disgusted with my body, feel like my body ins't mine, or I think I look great that day. but it changes throughout the day. I've stared at myself in the mirror for long times just wondering if that's me looking back. I'll drastically change my hair and then moments after wonder why I did that.

I won't eat hardly anything for days, and then eat as much as I can until I feel sick. Then I'm disgusted with myself and the cycle will go on for months upon months.

I have a current boyfriend and I haven't told him any of this. I don't want to scare him, or make him think I'm crazy. He's a really good guy and genuinely cares about me. He's not extremely emotional and I think he has trouble dealing with emotions, but he does his best to help and comfort me if I need it. He's respectful of me and my body, but I feel terrible for being emotionally incapable of having sex. I feel like such a terrible girlfriend that I can't provide that like I should. But every time I'm in the mood, whenever we start anything I just start to panic and freeze up, putting it all to a stop.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't think it's a good idea to be posting this.  I guess I want advice, or to vent about something that I've never been able to, but everything in me right now is screaming that this is a terrible idea. I feel like I'm being watched despite being in an empty room. I'm sorry for this post, it shouldn't be here but for some reason a small part of me is making me do this.

im not asking for a diagnosis btw, just venting