My entire life I’ve tried to trace the source of **why** people don’t love me.

I’ve always thought to myself that if I could just figure out what’s wrong with me, why people don’t like me, why people don’t want me, why people don’t love me…I could accept the answers and live my life with an understanding.

I’ve racked my brain for years. I don’t have a good answer still. I don’t think I ever will.

But I go back to this memory from when I was younger…it’s the moment I realized I was unlovable. And it’s a memory I often think about but have yet to fully process. It’s a memory I often think about but it was only this year I realized that…this memory, this point in time, is when I realized I was unloveable.

I was in high school.

I started to self-harm at the end of middle school.

It was never something I wanted people to know about. It still isn’t. I don’t try to hide my scars that much anymore as an adult.

But yeah, I never wanted people to know…not really. Sure…I wanted people to know I was in pain and that I deeply wanted help…but I never wanted people to know I cut myself. So my pain was always buried. Maybe me hiding it is the reason my life is the way I am. But when I show what's going on inside me…nothing happens.

Anyways. I was in high school.

Sometimes I would take my blade to school and cut myself in the restrooms.

Most of the time I’d just be at home behind the bathroom door cutting…or in the shower.

It wasn’t something I did often but it became something I would keep doing until…now. An addiction was brewing.

One day after school I was in my room and I was wearing a short sleeve shirt. My mom happened to catch a glimpse of my arm and asked me what happened. I gave a shitty excuse. I stuck by it.

But she was upset. So was my dad.

They were upset at me. They made me leave my door open…told me to stop taking such long showers, to stop shaving.

It was never…are you okay?

What do you need from us?

We love you. We care about you. 

We’re going to get you the help you deserve.

We’re here for you.

It was none of that.

It was anger and frustration. 

And it was never brought up again.

When I look back on that memory…I was around 15 years old…and that’s the moment I realized I was unlovable.

My parents…didn’t love me enough to *help* me. They didn't fight for my life.

At this point in my life, I know who my parents are and I'm not interested in trying to understand them.

I know that they love me and I’m sure they want me to be alive. 

*They just don’t love me enough.*

If the people who are supposed to give you unconditional love, the ones who gave birth to you, don’t love you enough to comfort you at a vulnerable, dark and lonely point in your life…when it’s clear you are hurting and in pain….well then who could ever love you?

Well, who could ever love me. 

There’s a lot of people with shitty family. But they end up having people in their life who love them and give a damn about them living. Chosen ones, chosen family.

But I don’t have anyone in my life who cares whether I keep living or drop dead at this moment.

It’s really painful to think about. 

So much of my life has been painful to think about lately because more things keep happening that make me realize I’ll never have anything or anyone. My parents don’t care if I’m hurting. Who the fuck else would?

I don’t have anyone that I can confide in or anywhere to go.

I don’t know why I write these things on the Internet…

I’m just…here. Floating. Watching life around me. Yearning. Desiring.

I get really choked up thinking about if I was ever to kill myself how people would wonder why...and if they could've done anything.

I get choked up thinking about it because…it’s always been in everyone’s face. 

The scars.

The pain in my eyes.

My darkness.

The why has been in front of people for decades. And they could've and can still do something.

I just think people choose to look away. Like my parents did. 

I feel so bad for younger me. I feel so bad for me now. 

That’s the shitty short story of when I realized I was unlovable. 

I don't know why I am. I don't know what caused this. But this is when I realized it all.