Please be patient with me as I try to explain this.

I'm tiny and I always have been. I'm 5', and my heaviest I've ever been in my entire life was 110. I have a history of cutting, which I have mostly recovered from (over six months, yay) and have found other ways to sublimate those urges like getting piercings/tattoos planned for the future. It's a great source of pride for me, even though I still struggle with skin picking.

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me mid-March, and it sent my life into a very strange place. I lived out of state and had to drop out of the school I was going to due to financial issues, and I was struggling keeping my life together. I couldn't find work and trying to find other options as far as my education went was very stressful. I had few friends to start with, but I ended up losing all of them as well when I left school. It was probably one of the darkest times of my life and I hit absolute rock-bottom.

Now, here's where it got a bit dangerous. I stopped eating due to stress and dropped twenty pounds. I went to the doctor for a check up and was terrified to see myself clock in at 80 lbs. I haven't been that small since I hit puberty. 

It's been hard to bring myself to eat. I currently work at a restaurant, but I have gotten on with one tiny meal and coffee for the entire day. The other day shit hit the fan, and I don't know what caused it, but I had to run out of the restaurant to puke. I vomited more times than I could count, more than I've ever puked in my entire life, and I got such intense vertigo that I couldn't move without heaving again. I had to go home and puked on and off for five hours. I was so dizzy that I couldn't even open my eyes or I would feel like my body was spinning. I eventually slept a bit, and I woke up and puked some bile before coming out of it.

I'd never been that sick in my life and I think it's related to eating. I just can't bring myself to eat. I don't know why. Some people get angry and go on hunger strikes for attention, but that doesn't feel like that. I step on the scale a lot and look at myself in the mirror, usually to run my hands over where my bones are and fret about it, but I don't know if it's about my body image because it doesn't feel like I'm struggling to lose or maintain the weight I'm at. I honestly want to have more fat on my body. It would make me feel really happy to be 100 lbs again.

I don't know if I'm doing this on purpose, and it makes me nervous that I was proud to have eaten some stuff today. That's not normal. Some people suggest snacking throughout the day and I think that's probably a good plan, but I just don't want to eat. It's scary.

Does anyone have any similar experiences, input or advice? Does this sound like an eating disorder? Am I subconsciously hurting myself?
