I am aware my vent is a long story. I really feel like I need honest advice about this. I don't know if what I have is real event ocd or if I am just a bad person. Some clarification would benefit me so much because at the moment I can't stop thinking about this and I am unsure if this is just self-reflection or if I'm really just obsessing about something non-significant. I am sorry if this comes across as a trivial matter but it's really upsetting for me. I would also like to preface this story with the fact that I am not rich and this is the only holiday I have been in in my life. I hope you don't judge my money spending choices. Thank you for taking the time to read.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate myself and feel like such a horrible person. Recently in the news it came out that one of my favourite singers got a restraining order against a stalker she had that came to her house and left notes/harassed her etc. I feel so bad for her and it truly sounds like such a scary situation. Reading this, however, reminded me of something I did and I truly don’t know if I am the same as this stalker.

A few years ago this same artist had a world tour, however she was not coming to my country. I had always wanted to see her live and I knew that if I wanted to I could fly out to the city she performed in to go see her live. This idea came to me because a lot of dedicated fans even followed her around a bunch of American cities on her tours. I decided to do this and go to 2 of her concerts in 2 different cities.

On the night of her concert, I left the hotel I was staying in early (wanting to get there early and get a spot at the front). I saw that the hotel across the street had a bunch of people congregated around the entrance and it turned out they were her fans too. A bunch of people even had her record ready for her to sign for when she came out. I joined them and we talked about our love for her and wondering when she would come out etc. I found out a bunch of people there were also from out of the country and came to there to see her just like me etc. We waited a while and it was getting quite late. One of the security guards from the front of the hotel told a few of us to just go to the concert cause we’ll be late etc. After a bit I had to leave to the concert but a bunch of the people still remained to wait for her at the hotel and even went to the car parking lot to wait there.

I went to the concert, managed 2nd row and it was amazing. I was so happy I saw my favourite artist live. Later that night I went on twitter. I followed a bunch of fan pages of this artist, I see a video posted of those same people who I was waiting at the hotel with meeting the artist. Some were tagged in photos posted with her and I messaged this guy I had talked to for a bit when we were in front of the hotel and told him how happy I was that he met her but I was gutted. Then a few people tweeted me and told me that she came out about a minute after I left. I was so upset I had missed out on meeting her. I had another concert planned in the next city she was going to. In my depression about missing out on meeting her, I tweeted out the following “Does anyone know where \[artist\] will be staying at in \[city\]/how we can meet her? Missed out on meeting her by like 1 minute in \[current city\] and so gutted”. I then tweeted the artist that I came all the way from \[my country\] to meet her and that I love her and her music and then described how I was waiting w all the fans who were so lucky to meet her at her hotel basement but that I left and missed out on meeting her by like 1 minute and how sad I was about that. I also messaged her this as well. I have no idea why I did that and what I was trying to achieve by doing this.

There were some people who replied to me and told me about how I could probably meet her after the concert in the next city cause she sometimes comes out there. There were also people who were asking me which hotel she stayed at in the current city etc. Anyway after that I went to the next city and saw her live again which was great. Afterwards I waited a bit after the concert but she didn’t come out to meet anyone. Tbh I was just so happy I saw her live twice even though I was still a bit upset I was so close to meeting her and didn’t. I got over it though and still love this artist, listen to her songs a lot etc and a big fan. However looking back at those tweets I wonder if I was a stalker and I feel like such a horrible person. I not only asked if people knew where she would be staying at in that city but also tweeted the artist how I love her and how I came all the way from my country to meet her (which was a poor choice of words because I honestly came to see her perform live initially). How could I have done that? Especially considering what has happened to her recently I’m feeling so horrible about what I did. Idk what to do with myself, being stalked is such a horrible and scary feeling and I would know since I’ve actually been stalked by men at uni in the past. What do I do? Am I a stalker? How do I move on from this? I feel like I don't deserve to move on from this and feel so bad for this artist that I did this to.

Also I would like to add that these thoughts are just one of probably hundreds that go by in rotation in my head of past events that make me a horrible person. I can't stop thinking about the people that I have hurt and feel so horrible for being such a horrible, selfish person.