I have suspected I’ve had BPD since I was 16. Nstepmom has called me toxic. I truly believe I may be toxic however I have a hard time acepting this from my dad. My dad is fed up with me. I don’t really know what to do at this point. I’m manipulated and slighted everywhere I go and I have serious issues with relationships because of it. I honestly hate how life is going right now. I honestly think I seriously have a hard time caring for other people sometimes. I’m afraid of how life is going. I’m trying not to numb myself. I’m not even sure I should have kids because I’m so afraid of fucking them up. I have nothing. I’m just sleeping and living. 

I don’t want a strained relationship with my dad. But he says its going to be strained because I will not accept his wife. I don’t believe in this bull shit. I’m trying not to numb myself and stay in the moment. If I do have bpd, I feel like I have been abandon. I don’t want to hurt anybody and I’m trying to figure out how not to. I’ve tried to allow people to walk all over me, that doesn’t work. I’ve fucking lost it. I let people I trusted have the power in hopes that they wouldn’t abuse it. 

I’m convinced I’m the problem. But I have logical evidence that I’m not. I have been told I’m manipulative. But I haven’t been told how. I’m SURROUNDED by toxic individuals who try to convince me of this. I have logical evidence for this. 

I’m done whining about it though. I’m done letting slights and disrespect get the best of me. Its time to give back and help other people. Not control other people but be strong enough to help them. Its time to be strong. Yes, this world is full of abusive people. 

I’ve become my mother in more ways than I’d like to admit. 

I also have proof that I am toxic. Only the toxic ones stay. 

I love my dad a lot honestly. I’m extremely hurt by him right now. I don’t trust him. 

I regret telling anyone anything. I can’t trust anyone. I’ve thought maybe I should just accept the abuse. Maybe thats what I’m meant to do. 

I’m honestly lost and I don’t know who to believe. Its driving me crazy and I have no one else to turn to because, well, I’ve burned all the rest of my bridges too so I’m left with nothing-which is proof I really am toxic. 