I already have a hard time making and keeping friends for various reasons, but it's even harder to think you're a friend to then be in the discard pile. I'd been wondering for a while about getting a PC, and a friend offered to get me a really really nice one. I got hella excited, as I'd be able to play more games with some nice friends I felt I had at the time. Long story short, my friend had to back out of buying me a PC, but I still wanted one largely in part to play with those friends. Having already gotten some of the equipment, I decided already in the back of my mind that I'd just get my own PC if my one friend backed out. Which of course he did, I just reeeaaallly was hoping he wouldn't.  Thus, I have a still really nice PC a little over $2K instead of a $4K one (which I honestly didn't even need). 

But anyway... Shortly after getting the PC both friends I wanted to play with essentially stopped talking to me. When I say my excitement was killed... man... I already overthink as is. I know people come and go, I shouldn't have gotten excited, and blah blah freaking blah. 

Still, it hurts. It makes me cry and feel sick all the time. Another silly delusion and exciting thought shattered. From super excited to play together all the time back to dry DMs and long boring sad days alone. I don't even feel like using the damn PC a sizable chunk of the time. I'm really glad I have it but looking at it or using it can feel hollow or saddening. It's an excellent holiday present to myself. It runs super well all around. FPS is divine. Graphics are insane. But I bought it largely in part for an emotional reason that fell apart. As an overly emotional person, it hurts a ton.

Even as a child my "love language" if you can call it that, was just playing video games with people I like. My overthinking brings me back to questioning what a friend even is, if I was ever one to them, if I'll ever really be one to someone, and the list goes on. I feel obnoxious, disliked, hated, and worthless. I still want to play with someone, but part of me is forever hesitant because it's beyond tiring to cycle through these emotions, always obsessing about the people that leave as my brain severely struggles to both comprehend and accept a sudden loss of connection. Even for legitimate reasons, it's always painful when someone goes from a close friend to just someone you see online, then seeing them online is a sad avalanche of emotion in itself. From nearly every day to nothing. From laughs and comfort back to the deafening silence. I miss every close friend I felt I had. Every person I woke up and felt excited to talk to or play with. But logically I know they most likely rarely even think of me and it's difficult to try making new friends.