If you've read my last post you know a little bit about my mental heath struggles. I want to do this follow up post to talk about some things I didn't talk about I'm my last post. Frist off, in case you was wondering. I'm a 23 year old male for the south east United States. I've been battling mental heath issues for as long as I can remember. It was just a few months ago I realized I had these issues and how severe they are.  Throughout my teenage years and into early adulthood I would have extrem rage attacks where I loss the ability to think rationally and control my thoughts. I still get this way today but not as often. This has greatly effected my life and cost me relationships. 

I've spent the past 5 years of my life in a very unhealthy relationship that would of been hard on anyone, especially someone like me. I was constantly stressed and angry. It effected my day to day life greatly Our speration came at a bad time. My childhood best friend had committed suicide just two months earlier. Along with that i started having bad stomach issues and I lost my job. All this on top of eachother lead to server depression that I'm currently dealing with. It seems like everytime sometime gets better something else happens that destroys my outlook on life and sends me into a muti day state of depression. 

I have days where I'm fine emotional. I'll feel happy, outgoing and confident. These moods can shift to extream angry and depression on the drop of a dime. If I manage to make it all day feeling happy, I always have a mood crash at night that lead to depression. I don't actually think I'm depressed. I constantly think about suicide when im depressed. I've spend alot of time researching painless ways to die. I have a spot picked out way in a state park miles of the nearest trail. Lately I've been contemplating just escaping into the woods and never coming back, but I think that might be to stressful. I like to spend time in woods far away from life's problems. Its a temporary escape from reality. 

Most of the time I just want someone to talk to, someone to spend time with. I used to have bad social anxiety and was a introvert. Now it seems I'm a extrovert and I'm starting to crave human interactions. I have a hard time making friends because I spend alot of my time working or alone. It not that I don't want to go out and meet people.  I just don't enjoy meeting people at bars and wherever else people meet in real life. I meet tons of people online but I have a hard time finding the motivation to respond to people's messages. I'm not sure why. I think it's because most people just uninterest me. I've yet to find someone who I can truly connect with and share experiences with, and that kinda hurts. 

I really want help and I just don't know how to get it, and it's not something I'm capable of doing bymyself. It seems like mental health just isn't that serious to most people. Or maybe it is, and people just don't care about someones else's suffering enough to help them. That national suicide hotline is a got. The SAMHSA hotline hung up on me. They never want to really help anyway, just refer you to places knowing you don't have the strength to actually reach out for treatment. 
I'm very scared and nervous to get treatment. Frist of all. It's expensive even with heath insurance, and money problems cause a great deal of stress on me. it's also axinety that prevents me from seeking help. I'm scared there not going to take me seriously, not care, or misdiagnosed me. After all why would they care. 

I an so angry and fed up with the world. I'm tried of being treated like I'm not a person. Im tried of being unloved and uncared for. I'm tried of being lonely all the time. It makes me want to hurt people. I deserve love, I deserve happiness. And if it's something I can't have what's the point of staying on earth suffering. I don't see in reason to continue. Life is to hard, and I can't do it alone, so why continue. 

I wasn't expecting a reaction from my last post. I was very surprised to see people read and commented on it. That's why I wanted to make this follow up post. I tried using better grammar than last time since now I know someone might actually read this. I'm not hear for upvote or follows. I don't even  normally use reddit but this is a good anonymous platform for stuff like this. I just hope someone uses this post to reach out to someone in there life who is suffering from mental illness. It could very well save there life.