Hi there. 
I have had a few tough years recently and am really struggling to get out of this bad headspace. I don’t feel like myself anymore, but I’ll go through weeks where I feel fine and happy but then I know it’s only temporary. When I go through my bad waves it can last days or weeks and I have no motivation and get pretty down. 
I moved overseas last year and have just spent 6 weeks back home before starting a new job. The first few weeks I was in such a good headspace it almost makes you forget how life can be. The last few days this has all come crashing down and I feel like I don’t want to get out of bed. 
I’ve tried to book a psychologist but the waitlist is so long and it’s so expensive. 

My partner and I a few years ago started using tramadol recreationally. It’s never been out of control, we just enjoy having a few once a week as some people would enjoy a drink. The reason they’re so enjoyable is because it makes you feel like the best version of yourself, like everything is okay and I just wish I felt like that everyday. I’ve always considered antidepressants but the thought of them scares me, I’m not sure why- maybe it’s being reliant on a pill to be happy. But then I thought I would happily have a tramadol everyday because I know how it can make me feel, so I’m wondering if antidepressant have a similar affect on the brain? 
I know reddit isn’t the place for medical advice but I’ve been scrolling forums and found some interesting perspectives which I do see as helpful.