I am dealing with extreme amounts of guilt about COVID and mostly just want to vent and hear if other people are experiencing this. I'm also in general deal with anxiety and OCD thinking daily that I'm currently in therapy for just for context.

So, even before COVID, I was very aware of how my choices affect other people, in that for example my boyfriend had the flu earlier this year and we had planned to take a train and spent multiple hours debating if that was a safe thing to do because I didn't want him to spread the flu to anyone. Obviously this is a good thing to worry about but I feel like since COVID has started this worry has become potentially unhealthy.

My main concerns with COVID are not even that I'm worried about what will happen if I get it and if I'll be okay, but mostly just that I'm so afraid to contribute to the spread of it and I'm really tired of being home as I'm sure many people are. To deal with this, I try to take as many precautions as possible - I work from home most of the time, I only ate out outside at restaurants a few times over the summer when cases were extremely low in my area and have not eaten at a restaurant in many months now since cases have gone back up, I wear a mask anytime I leave my apartment, I wash and sanitize my hands frequently, I don't go out to the store when I don't or anywhere that I don't need to go, I only see people outside of my household once a month and it's always less than six people, and until recently I hadn't traveled or gone anywhere other than to my boyfriend's apartment that's an hour away. I've very much been one of the people supporting masks and pushing the government to do better on social media. 

However, recently I've had to make some really hard decisions involving travel. I am a student and had an extremely difficult semester that ended right before Thanksgiving and felt that it was vital for my mental health to go home and so I ended up flying to see my parents. I tried to make this as safe as possible by getting tested before flying to assure I was negative, I got tested twice while I was there and then I've gotten tested three times since returning to school and quarantined for a week. I've been negative every time so I'm fairly confident that luckily I did not get sick from traveling. I felt a lot of guilt about this trip because it didn't seem "essential" to an outside eye but it was pretty essential to my mental health but it's really hard for me to internalize that and be okay with it.

Now, my boyfriend has a family emergence where we need to travel internationally like now and even typing this I feel like I'm just making excuses for myself to do whatever I want and that I'm making horrible decisions. My advisor and my roommate have both expressed to me that they don't think it's a good idea to go (obviously I don't think it's a good idea to go either but I kinda have no choice) and it's making me feel so so extremely guilty. 

My roommate also had a talk with me that she thinks I'm not as safe as her sometimes because I traveled and that that likely means I'm willing to take more risks than she is, despite that she is also traveling for mental health reasons and hangs out with people often who are fairly risky and has eaten out at restaurants even just a few weeks ago. This made me feel even worse and now I just feel like I'm not even as safe as I thought I am and that I'm doing a horrible job. Up until a few weeks ago I really thought I was one of the safest people I know and now I'm second guessing everything. Is anyone else feeling this type of guilt or anxiety associated with COVID? This is such a hard time and such a touchy topic that I feel like no one understands me because they either don't care about COVID at all or they judge me super hard and think I'm not safe.