I don't know who's gonna read this, probably no one, but I need some way to vent and I literally only have one friend and he's busy so here it goes.

TW; discussion of depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts and attempt.

So I have bipolar II and anxiety, was diagnosed about a year ago after living with the wrong diagnosis of PDD for about three years, switched from sertraline to aripiprazole. Back in April my grandpa passed away from cirrhosis and I went into a crisis. Got my aripiprazole dose upped and also got prescribed buspirone and quetiapine. I had been taking them just as prescribed and it was really helping me, the buspirone made me a bit "high" idk if that would be the right word but to me the feeling was comparable to what I feel like on weed, but other than that it seemed to be working as intended. I was able to keep my job as a customer service representative in this call center even though talking to people scares the shit out of me, I was able to go out and socialize with my coworkers, I was able to meet new people and not shit my pants... And most importantly I was able to stay away from sh, my intrusive thoughts weren't as bad and often, and I wouldn't have those sudden switches from a high to a low. It was all just, stable.

Then on a bad month I just wasn't able to afford the aripiprazole anymore, it's really fucking expensive (I live in Honduras, don't know if it's like that everywhere). But I thought hey, it's just two weeks before my next paycheck, I've been in this situation before and two weeks I can handle before the symptoms start showing up again... Then the next paycheck came, and it was actually more than usual because there were three holiday days that we weren't given so by law they pay double for those hours. Guess what I did, next day after payday I spent 2,400lps out of the 8,500 something I got paid that time. Most of it in stupid shit I didn't even need. I should have seen that was the mania coming back again. Then I paid all the bills I needed to pay, all the people I owed to and wasted some more in alcohol again... Then I was left with literally no money to my name and the next paycheck was like a week from then, so I had to ask my mom for money just to make it to it. In total I spent over 10,000lps in two weeks. And guess what? I didn't buy the fucking meds.

Now we're back to the regular paychecks, have to make the motorcycle payments, have to pay the phone bill, home internet, gas, food, utilities... Thank the universe I don't pay rent cause the house I live in is a relative's who's just not using it atm. Now it's been over a month since I had aripiprazole and I'm fully back at where I started before even being diagnosed. Currently on a depressive episode. I sh yesterday and then tried to commit by taking all the buspirone I had left. Just to later find out I would've needed a much higher dose, all it did was make me throw up, make me feel like my brain was floating and numb my entire body while somehow also make it feel tingly. And now fuck I'm out of buspirone too cause I did that. Why am I so stupid? Now I have no idea when I'll be able to go back to my meds and I just feel stuck in this steam of bad decisions.