I wanted to post on TrueOffMyChest, but they just delete my post despite being marked NSFW.

My father have always been abusive, never really proud of me. He has expectations I can't meet and I'm just tired of being someone's dissaponted or a failure. I was diagnosed with PTSD, most probably caused by his mental and physical abuse. The PTSD caused me to have BPD. I'm also really depressed and just tired. He stopped getting physical about a year ago, but is still verbally abusive. I've been called every single bad thing you could think of. I don't feel comfortable here.

Examples of what he did could be: 
• Non stop screaming and insulting me -&gt; calling me stupid, a disappointed, a cunt, telling me to not go around and make my living by selling myself (as that's the only thing he thought I was capable of doing), and honestly so many more 
•Hitting me in the face and head until I was on the ground almost passed out
•Smacking my side with a broom stick creating a 10-15 inch bruise
•Throwing and pushing me around
•Beating on many occasions 
•Grabbing my arm through the open car window and speeding with me hanging on the outside (If he dropped my arm I would smash against the concrete)

I can't remember everything, but many times I wanted to die because of this.

He doesn't want to support me through my education - going to a university, because I'm not going to a medical school. He also, will only help me if I choose a major he approves of. I've always wanted to study psychology or criminology, but it's a no for him. I'll be 20 in 6 months and I still feel like a little kid too scared to make my own decisions. I just feel like I have to at least somehow meet other's people expectations. 

I studied for about 2 or 3 months, it was both a major and a university he chose and I hated it so I left and now I'm working, but I still live at home. Planning to go again this October this time in a different city if I manage to.

He's never supported me. I was at my worst point with depression and he would beat me up and call police on me running off, despite the fact I was over 18. They treated me like a stupid teenager and threatened me to search my phone, for no reason. I've been scared of the police since. They made me, a then 18 year old woman go back with my abuser so he could abuse me more. I feel like I don't have a right to feel bad and traumatized, because there are people who have it worse.

I just want to live my life without having to make people who treat me badly happy. I just want to be happy. But I'm too scared to do anything. Too scared to say no.

I don't feel happy with myself, or my life and I just wish I was brave enough to change it.