okay so im 17 and i always thought something was very off with me. i studied a lot of disorders to figure out what was wrong with me for 3 years now with available sources and i think bpd applies to me and i decided to ask for help.
i had a bad relationship with my mother since i can remember (and i think she is borderline too she always said that she had issues but she never said what it was) for example she always reacted in two EXTREMELY different ways to situations as long as i can remember. or she would yell at me and try to physically hurt me and after 10 minutes she would come to my room apologizing and crying. she would yell at phone calling me 15 times and saying that she didnt want me at home and didnt wanna see me ever again and when i come home regardless she would act like nothing happened. its very confusing for me and i picked up on her actions. we fight a lot and i never know how to act after a fight because she acts like it didnt happen.
thats what i do in situations too. i get easily irritated and feel extreme rage at the people i love the most making me feel love and hate to the person at the same time. recently i was very close with this guy and he was in love with me and i absolutely hated him at that time for no reason i dont even know why i did. i acted so distant and mean to him without recognizing  and made him go away. and when i found out that he didnt wanna talk to me anymore and he didnt love me anymore i felt this intense guilt and i did everything to win him back. i apologized countless times telling him i didnt know why i made him leave. i was so obsessed with him and i didnt want him to abandon me. im always in that cycle. i either love someone or hate someone there is no in between. a day is either good or bad i never feel neutral. i dont even know what neutral is at this point.
i have eating disorders too. i either eat everything or nothing. i dont know what its like to eat normally. i used it as a punishment. if someone was mean to me or said something slightly triggering or i felt like i was worthless, i tell myself that i dont deserve food. or when i dont know what to react i just eat everything i find following with extreme guilt. i dont know what to do anymore.
my relationships are very unstable. its not always romantic, i cant keep friends. i never open up to people because ive been stabbed my childhood bestfriend COUNTLESS times to realize she was manipulative. she really did horrible things to me which i dont even wanna talk about it.
i self harmed. i dont wanna get into it. i just dont feel worthy of anything but ill get pissed if someone doesnt love me or abandons me.
i cant deal with this anger anymore. i cant communicate my problems without absolutely BLOWING UP on that person and ruining everything completely and scaring them away. i just wanna feel grey sometimes.