Not sure where to start but i am writing this in hope for some peace and maybe to find answers within. Anyway for the most part ive had my ups and downs just like anyone else and have dealt with mental struggles (chronic low self-esteem, having to prove myself to others, and other minor problems)  most my life and for the most part i find a way, atleast i used to. About a year ago i was going through some changes as a person and mostly maturing for the better. Soon after i felt myself dwelling in the past aswell and wanting an extremely excessive need for control, this need for control had completely as ironically has controlled me and my life and has lead me down some dark places and thoughts. I know i must learn to let go but its felt impossible, this need to control every little thing. It has taken a heavy toll on not only my mental but as well as my physical which has only made everything worse.

My mental state had made is very hard to focus on a lot of things that will put me in the right direction like my physical health. It seems as its all catching up to me and not to mention the amount of anxiety i have felt out of this including depression obviously. Now i think atleast to me not having my life together only makes everything worse but i am more here to try and find peace with this need for control. But today i have decided to post here because over the course of 2021 i had felt true hopelessness and at the time i somehow dealt with it, not so much today everything seems to be getting worse and i felt that hopelessness once again. The feeling that there is no way out and that im stuck, now when i feel this i want to no longer live. A year of this amount of pain and suffering has started to become unbearable and i feel so lost now. I just want to be free so i can move on with my life.