I just started watching the show Crazy Ex\-Girlfriend and I can't believe how much I relate to the show, especially some of the songs. The ["I have friends"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N__AkJriaN4) song in particular was really relatable and funny, and it made me realize how insecure I am about my social life.

I feel like I have friends but it's not really like, a cohesive circle of friends but rather very different individuals that probably wouldn't really get along with each other if they met. I don't really have a "best friend" that I talk to every body, except for my boyfriend and my mom. I have a good friend that lives in a different city that I consider my closest friend now, but I don't get to see her that often. I struggled with friendship a lot growing up, and I was never really a part of any friend groups until university. It's sort of something college forces onto students anyway, which made things easier, but even then I never really felt like I fit right in. I think the fact that I was in my first relationship with a terrible, abusive boyfriend contributed to that. I watched them develop deep and meaningful friendships with each other. The same thing would happen at work. This one time I always think of, I was talking to two co\-workers and the topic of good sushi came up, and I remember trying to overcome my fear of making the first move, so I said something like "oh we should all go out to sushi together sometime" and I can't remember what they said, but I felt so rejected by the response, especially they always went to the gym and shopping together. I experienced this at my first "big girl" job too, I couldn't make any friends even though I was surrounded with cool girls my age that I wanted to be friends with.

I'm still friends with some of my local college friends, but we don't really see each other or talk frequently. It's more like a social media friendship where we like/comment on each others' posts, which sucks because social media only makes me feel more alone. I noticed that social media is a good way to see people's friendships flourish in front of and around you, but without you, and it makes me feel very left out / gives me FOMO. The person I have considered my best friend \(who I've known since grade 7\) completely ghosted me 6 months ago and I still don't know why. TBH, she was sort of a terrible friend to me \(always put me down in weird, snarky ways, made fun of me all the time throughout HS, cheated on all her boyfriends, would ghost me randomly and come back when she needed my support\) but her leaving still kind of hurts, deep down? I spend most of my weekend nights these days either at home alone \(like tonight\) or with my boyfriend, and we mostly stay in too. I think this fuels my fear of abandonment, because if he leaves me, I'm completely alone.

I often worry that I'll end up alone and that my BPD \(along with everything else about me\) makes me innately incapable of forming lifelong friendships. My mom has BPD/PTSD too and she doesn't really any friends at her age. When she does make friends, the friendships often end abruptly. I think this fear has really been creeping up on me for years, but it's only gotten stronger now.

Does anyone else feel insecure about their social life or friendships? Having BPD, can you ever learn to accept solitude or being alone?