I guess that's the point of having a personality disorder but it just keeps getting more out of hand. I tried to tell myself others were wrong about me but they aren't. The facts don't lie. I've never been okay and right now I'm unraveling in front of everyone like I'm putting up the best fucking show of their lives. I've never did anything that lasted. The more I learn about the life of this vessel, the more I want to leave it. I don't know what to do anymore without hurting people with the truth. Noone really has any respect for me in the first place, I can't lose their affection too. But I can't continue like this. It'll spiral out of control and start hurting others than myself.

I just want it to stop. The need for it, the unrelenting push to keep chasing the next high. Be it a manic episode, a drug, a new relationship, whatever. I want to tell people Im barely a person and that they should stop wasting their time. I don't understand why I still have a place to stay at. It's not like I belong anyway. 

They should've thrown me away like everyone else always has. There's nothing to hold onto but the faded mirage of the person they once thought I was. And I don't got the strength to break that view of me. But I also cannot keep doing this anymore. I really fucking can't anymore.