Jesus. Fuck.

I've had careening emotions before, but the careening loneliness is awful. Desperation + loneliness is that last thing that will ever bring people closer. It so fucking frustrating. STOP

I know I can't make it stop. That people are looking down at me. And that intensifies it.

I try to distract and/or keep going, everything I say or do, I'm thinking: ass ass ass, you're a fucking ASS. Why did I just say that?

Ugh. I feel like the same loser kid in 6th grade. I grew older and nothing changed. I've seen this happen to people, adult people, 30s and older. I think there's a certain point where you're just fucked. You can't rejoin society, you're stuck permanently out. Outsider. Out cast. Ostracized.

Why can't I just kill myself and end this at last? Stop being a fucking loser. I'm tired of being *that* person. That person who never finds their way.

There are people who don't. I'm not talking about mental illness, because that's solvable. It may be a struggle, you may learn the tools to attain maintenance and to function, but there is no solution for being a social outcast. If you lack the social skills, there's no place to learn, there's no one who teaches them. I've tried. DBT and learning to deal with the BPD type shit is easier. The social stuff has me at a loss.

All that bullshit about unicorns and rainbows and happy endings is just bullshit. I don't know why people perpetuate that crap. 

Even my writing is degenerating, my brain is degenerating, my body is degenerating. I never had the time to enjoy being young. Eventually I will be pushed out, I know I will reach a point where I'm unable to take care of myself and I'll be dumped out on the streets somewhere, which would probably be better than a nursing home from what I hear about how they treat people. Survival of the fittest and whatnot. Society is not kind, they are cruel and indifferent as nature.

I don't understand why I was taught as a kid "everything will turn out fine, just smile and be pretty."  Why not, "this is how you survive." Tools are important. They ignored the practical questions, anything that might be "dark". Happy thoughts about fairytale princesses don't teach you how to survive, they train you to be wolf bait. That made me angry, but what makes me angrier is that I can't find a way to fix this on my own. I'm too old, people turn me away, I should know already.