Whenever I dissociate I start lying, to myself, to my friends everyone, and I made up some pretty big stuff. 

I finally came clean about it to my 2 friends and I told them I lied about a lot of stuff and that I should leave coz they deserve better. My first friend was very understanding he told me that it was ok and he kinda knew. My 2nd friend got super mad and blocked me. 
I feel so guilty, I brought that on myself, I'm 100% responsible and I feel like I just lost my friends, even if they do forgive me it's gonna be so awkward and I'm gonna hate myself even more for it.