Alright so I just need to get this off my chest 
About 3 years ago I watched my mom die and the position I found her in is burned into my brain I think I blacked out for most of it or it’s just a way for my brain to protect me idk 
But like I’m fucked up poor work ethic 
Lazy eating disorder anxiety badly I literally have such a hard time talking 
Loud noises send this little shock wave through my body and sends my nerves into panic mode even when I know the sound is going to occur so I’m laying in bed listening to music and my mom walked by my door and I jumped 
I don’t know what to do I’ve tried at least 15 medications they only made me worse I’ve been in therapy since 12 I’m now 18 
Only thing that helped me short term was benzos but I was paying $16 a bar taking like 3-4 bars a day 
I feel really good when I’m playing gta 5 online driving around swerving through traffic my moms now clean but she’s a narcissist and sometimes she’s mentally abusive 
Any tips new suggestions?