I know this is a forum for depression and that’s not necessarily something I’ve struggled with all my life but rather after  I met my depressed boyfriend. I’ve been with him for 4 years and we have a child together but I’m so miserable and I just want out so desperately bad but I can’t leave because HE is too depressed. He relies on me for any and all emotional regulation; for example if we’re fighting he’s depressed but if I’m super happy, having sex with him regularly, and all around suppressing all of my feelings so he feels like I love him and I’m happy, he doesn’t act as down. I’ve never in my life seen codependency this bad in anyone before. While I understand that breakups/ spousal issues can cause you to feel really down and broken, this just doesn’t seem normal. I’m 23 and I feel like my life is just over because of him. He regularly writes in his journal about how he wants to kill himself and I’m always brought into it as the villain who “hates him”. This isn’t true though, I don’t hate him, I’ve just grown so intensely miserable with my life because it’s over before it’s even begun. This man has completely held me hostage with his mental illness and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve accepted that I will have to stay in this relationship forever never being able to find happiness for myself because I know that if I break up with him he’ll kill himself and I have a child to look after, I don’t want him to grow up without a father. He says it to me constantly even going as far as when I’ve tried to leave he’s gone out and bought items for him to use to kill himself. He constantly accuses me of cheating and he can be physically and verbally abusive. I really don’t know what to do I just want to leave so bad. Every single day I daydream about a life where I’m free and happy and at this point, I pretty much live in my head in a constant state of maladaptive daydreaming because that’s all I can do to get any feeling for life. What I want more than anything is to amicably split up and coparent for our child and live a fulfilling life. That’s all I want in this world, but I know he will NEVER let me do that. He will fly into a rage OR do things to allude to him going to kill himself like leave for hours but not before telling me something ominous like “it’d be better if I just wasn’t here” or “you won’t have to deal with me anymore” and block my number so that I’m terrorized with images of him laying on the side of the rode or hanging from a tree. If we didn’t have a child maybe it would be different but, unfortunately I don’t have the option of leaving a person like this. The only thing that makes it better is drinking so that’s what I do and it’s scary because I don’t recognize myself anymore. I used to be happy, and full of life but now, I’ve given up on everything I was and am because of this man who just refuses to get help and uses me as the only thing he clings to for the deciding factor of whether or not he stays alive. After this relationship and coming to the realization that I can never leave, I’ve actually become suicidal myself. Who knew a person can hold someone hostage in this way? Anyways just needed someone to talk to... thanks.