I basically went on a downward spiral that escalated this past weekend. 

Went nuclear and torched my relationship (I'm hoping its repairable), my friendship with my best friend who was one of my #1 supports (it's done for good), and was planning on killing myself even before I went nuclear and destroyed all the loving and positive people I have in my life. 

This happened to a much more severe degree 5 years ago. I thought I had made a lot of progress and healing since then. For a while there I seemed like I was getting pretty healthy and functional. To the point where both myself, my doctor and my partner were entertaining the idea that my BPD was actually a misdiagnosis. 

This past month, there were a lot of external stressers that came in all at once while I was struggling with a 9 month long depressive episode. (Unmedicated. Long story.) It came to a height and it turns out that as soon as you apply preasure-i crumble and go full BPD.  

It's like I never really healed at all, I just wasn't in those awful and stressful environments I had been in before. Like the BPD was laying dormant until life got tough again. 

So now I've been admitted to the psychward. I'm so tired of being sick. I'm tired of working on it. It's been a life time of this and I thought I had healed and was coping and getting so healthy and it turns out I'm as sick as ever. 

I don't want to keep living through the episodes. I dont want to have to live with the consequences of those episodes once I come back into clarity. I don't know if I can live with myself after what I just put my partner through. The person I love most in the world, and the person who loves me the most. 

I guess this turned into a rant, but I just wanted to explain the situation at least a little and it spiraled. 

I'm great at spiraling. 

My intent was to ask you lovely folks what your advice would be. How should I focus on repairing myself while I'm here, how do I go about talking with the people I hurt? How can I make the most of this? 

I've had positive experience in the psychward before. Some part of me knows it'll help. Another part of doesn't care because it helped last time and then i fucked it all up again anyway. In the same. Damn. Way.  

Is there even lasting healing or does it always go tits up?