[Trigger warning for anything related to sex, paraphilia, abuse]

I didn’t know where else to post so I post here. I consider myself, or at least that part of myself, very sick.
This is going to be kind of long, sorry. And I’m desperate, and I already hate myself so you don’t need to.

So ever since I remember (I remember some fragmented scenes somewhere around five but it’s very blurry till 7 or 8) I’ve been doing this and it has always been extremely distressing (I need to physically force myself to type this it’s extremely hard). I never knew what it was when I was little, but basically I was masturbating to very disturbing fantasies and I’ve always known I should never tell anyone. It was something I felt very disconnected from (tbh I don’t remember any emotions I had) before I knew what this all meant. When I grew older and began to understand how disgusting it actually was I developped some kind of anxiety around it, as in as soon as anything even remotely related to these fantasies was said I nearly panicked, needed to get away immediately, I felt naked and I thought people would be able to read me if I didn’t leave the situation immediately. Obviously this was life destroying, I was always scared, I took measures so I would always have an excuse to get away ... I think I’ve kind of come to terms with it now, as in I can keep a straight face if people talk about things like these (only subtly though, if it’s very obvious I still need to get away), I don’t blush or panic or anything. But it emotionally destroys me, everytime a person talks about trauma or abuse (which is a big part of the distressing fantasies) everything turns black inside of me. Recently I’ve come across the term empath and I guess I could be an empath and, as a result, feel the pain of other people, but ... 

When I’m alone these things don’t upset me, I have to m to them and feel awful the whole time and disgusted but it’s an addiction, an awful addiction. I read about paraphilias and call it a paraphilia now. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and the shame. I thought it would get better years after realizing it, but it’s just getting worse. I don’t understand. It’s become so bad that I secretly hope that a repressed trauma is at the origin at all of this, just so I don’t have the feel guilty anymore, just so I can feel like I deserve asking for help for these horrible feelings I get when I see these horrible images in my mind because right now they’re feelings that aren’t mine. Maybe that’s what other empaths struggle with, feeling pain that isn’t theirs and as a result, feeling like they don’t have the right to ask for help because of them ... at least that’s the way I feel.

How can I heal? How can I stop being obsessed about something that hurts me so much? (Everyday more than half of the time the images are there, I can’t live without them, there’s no me without them, they’re all I am and I want it to stop.) Since it’s kind of a sexual problem, I kind of need to figure out to get a healthy sexuality, but mine is so messes up. I just can’t decide whether I like girls or boys or both or neither, the only thing I know is that touching or being touched disgusts me so much that I can’t even picture it because my mind just blocks me, how can I ever lead a healthy sexual life?

What bothers me the most is I don’t know why this is happening. Can you be born evil? Are other people like that too? (I’ve read about kinks etc but these people seem to actually like doing them and they don’t suffer from it, so why do I?)
Do you think I’m evil? I somehow feel the need to talk about this, but anonymously. Unfortunately I can’t ask my therapist whether there is some kind of possibility for anonymous therapy in my country because she’ll know something’s up and I don’t trust better help because people have said things against it ...

I’m desperate. I could have posted in the paraphilia subreddit but there are not a lot of people. I need help. Please. Anything. Maybe some of you knows what could help me or could help me understand why this is so hard for me while other people seem to be able to figure it out so easily. I’ve been in therapy for years and even in hospital twice, but I never could bring up this bit and I feel like I need to, or else I can never heal. But how could I? How could anyone love a person like me? 

(This post is serious, I’ve been accused of lying before and that triggers me emotionally, I’m seriously not making this up)