I always having this lingering feeling like I'm faking it when I'm happy. Even if I have no reasonable explanation for faking it.


I can smile, laugh, joke with coworks,, customers, friends and family but I feel exhaustion build in me by the hour when it goes on for too long. At the end of the day, before I'm even in bed, I find myself refinancing yet disconnected from those positive interactions. Like it wasn't the real me.


If I told people the truth all the time and talked about how I really feel, I already know what would happen because I lived through it. They feel empathic and sorry for me at first. Then once they realize it's not a temporary emotion, it's my nature, they get irritated. They want to spend less time with me and they have more enjoyable people to spend time with anyway so I understand. I don't want to bring people down with me, anyway. 


I'm just tired of feeling like normal, everyday things are so miserable and difficult. Past therapists and psychologists have asked me what is it in particular about life that makes me depressed and feel this way. I wish I could tell them an exact answer. I usually end up telling them it's my past and it haunts me. But that doesn't feel true. I've moved on from my past trauma.


I just look at life, look at people going from school, straight to a career having an awaking about the reality of life, and doing the same thing day in and day out, and I realize it's pointless. Moments people typically find enjoyable are so mundane and numb feeling. I feel I need to go to extremes to feel pleasure and it leaves me embarrassed and ashamed of myself.


Too often I want to go to bed and never wake up. Nothing I've written here is new. I've had these thought since I was very young... and the fact that I know I'm not the only human with these thoughts just makes me more depressed. What are we all suffering for?