I know a lot of people with BPD will hurt people by accident. The thing is with me in my past I’ve done it on purpose. I think it was because it reassured me that I was important to them and they needed me. I’ve always had this thought that I can’t be loved and I genuinely still believe it. Or maybe not that I can’t but I don’t deserve it because I’m a piece of shit. Anyways, now let’s say I really like someone or I’m in a relationship with them, and they do some thing minor that triggers me to feel really really hurt. I have this urge to hurt them back by withholding love or affection from them because I feel like they hurt me. A lot of times in the moment I know my feelings are illogical and that the other person did not really do anything wrong but my emotions take over and I try to hurt them back. When I see them upset because of me it kind of reaffirms that they love and care about me and it makes me feel good. Because of this, I do kind of worry that I’m a narcissist. However I’m a very loyal person and I would never just discard somebody. In my very first relationship when I was about 16 or 17 I treated my partner awfully and looking back I can see that. At the time I was too immature and not self-aware to notice or care. however I was never happy in this relationship and I only stayed with the person because I thought no one else in the world could ever find it in them to love me. In my life I have had two very toxic relationships. One was a friendship with a girl who treated me absolutely awfully. My entire mindset revolved around whether she was mad at me or not. The second one was my ex. she didn’t really treat me bad but the relationship was toxic because I was so obsessed with her to the point where I was in constant pain over the smallest triggers. she wasn’t the best at comforting or giving support so the relationship wasn’t really serving me but I still wanted to be with her because I was so obsessed. I guess the true concern is that I might be a narcissist and not a borderline. And I really don’t mean to stigmatize NPD because I do feel bad for those people and I really do not hate them at all. I guess I just worry about it a lot because it would mean all of my relationships are artificial. There was a time when I was convinced I was a narcissist and I almost felt pushed to suicide