Recently my parents have been fighting a lot. And im an adult and live on my own but just knowing this is going on and remembering (not feeling) all the feelings from when i was a kid and they would fight was something i didn’t want to happen this time around. Because they’ve fought my whole like, but this time, it seems permanent. I’ve always wanted them to separate because they are just so toxic together but it’s a different feeling when it happens because they’re all each other has in that intimate level.

My mom has depression and has sh, and attempted in the past so of course, i worry about her, and have cried about her. I constantly worry that shes going to do something which leads me down a spiral of thinking about death and thinking about how we’re all going to die and i become so self aware of my body, if i look at it or feel it, i get this sense of doom, like im temporary.

I of course worry for my dad. Because of my trauma with my mom and her depression and family members who also suffer from it and have committed, i just think any signs of sadness or isolation in others will lead them to depression and have the same exact thoughts and urges as my mom or other family members. So now i think my dad will get depression and I’ll potentially lose him to it. He’s living with me rn and it just solidifies the end to their relationship, which solidifies the potential of depression (in my depressed mind). 

I havent been able to FEEL during this recent fight, its like i cant let it out if i wanted to cry and mourn their relationship (im also on zoloft so it suppresses some of my emotions). But today i just kept having negative thoughts and negative feelings about life and my own existence and i thought what if i just died rn. 

And then i STARTED having a panic attack (again related to my trauma) because one of my biggest fears is ever getting to the point of sh-ing or Attempting/committing or even THINKING about doing anything, and continuing that cycle in my family. (I think my meds really helped bring me back bc it didn’t go into a full on panic attack) And then i just felt alone.

Then i started thinking about ho my mom must feel but i also have anger and resentment towards her and myself because ive always had to worry about her and i never was able to worry about myself and take care of myself because i was always on s-icide watch with her growing up