This is a short story which involves a conversation with both my sisters and my husband, who's living a thousand miles away. 

I'm currently living with a very cool friend, he is a singer from a indies punk rock band in his 30s, he currently works with the federal government as a database manager. And I've been just promoted, for about a month and a few weeks I'm the programmer behind the one of the biggest multi-national banks in South America. 

Today I had an amazing day, I even passed by the market to buy some veggies and do a Ratatouille recipe ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFdQUgAFtGU ). It's actually a very different approach, whatever it was, I thought it would be awesome with some grilled chicken and rice. 

But then I called my mother. 
My mother is so fucking special. 
She touched me in a very special way. 

I told I was getting ready to cook while I ate some carrots and celery with a mustard. and hot pepper- I've trying to eat healthier recently, that's why the focus on the description of the food. 
She said what an absurd. She hated celery and if I wanted to lose weight I should thinkg better. 
But I wasn't... I was really trying to eat more veggies before eating less. So yeah, I wanted to lose weight, but I'd do it in a while. 
She asked what I was having for breakfast. 
I said an apple. 
She said it was too little. 
I told her I never ate anything on the mornings, it wasn't hungry. 
She asked how my day at work was. 
I said it was great. I had this amazing chat with my boss. About how impossible everything is, the systems were created by different people, I said I was kinda lost and didn't know where to begin. He talked about how everything came to be. Why it was so impossible and how it was handled in the past. He knew it was hard, but he gave me a decent plan to start. 
I told her that I realized that my job this time as a programmer was to create complex systems. It was a great challenge but I'd have to study a lot to start to do something. 
My boss even calmed me down my saying "Welcome to my world". He's been there for 2 years and he knows I'm in deep shit. 
My mother said it was complicated. 
She asked when we -roomie and me- would move from here. 
I told her I'd go alone, my rommie said he liked this place and didn't wish to move a few weeks ago, while we talked about the concept of moving together. 
But I also told that the husband didn't manage to move out of our old apartment yet. Meaning I'd have to pay his rent for another month. I also didn't have enough for a deposit check for the rent. In a few months I'd get my semestral bonus and I'd have enough. Maybe in 2 or 3 months. 

She asked me if I was paying rent. 
Told her my roomie wouldn't let me. But I was spending in groceries. 
She told me it was a sign that he wanted to live alone. 

What? 

I know I need to leave but everything is cool. 
I started to lose control of my head. I don't remember how I ended the conversation, but I started sending IMs to my sister about the situation. 
Was I being unpleasant? Was I taking advantage? Was I abusing his good will?
She said it was complicated, but everything is so simple. 
Am I ignoring the self destruction patter of a borderline
I continued to question my situation. The stability. Am I in danger? 
Why am I so anxious so suddenly? 
Why am I crying so fucking hard? 
But... but... my roomie is so fucking zen. He's totally clear that's cool with the situation. I'm not doing anything wrong. Just the idea of being a dick was freaking me out. 
I've been here for a month and a week. 
Why did her comment made me get to this situation. 
Until I talked to her, everything was fine. Everyone around me confirms that. 
But I feel crazy as fuck. 

Then I realized. That's the borderline train of reasoning. Getting anxious. Needing to plan every step. Afraid. Scared. 

I was calmer. I realized what was happening.
I forgot for a moment how I would deal with the situation. 
She made me remind myself how I behaved. How I'd lose my mind in this stressful situation. How I would get really anxious, and worried, and depressed. 

But I don't have that. Seriously. I understand now, that's not withing me anymore. 
THEN HOLYCRAP. 

MY MOTHER TRIGGRED ME. 

(At this point, I'm talking to my husband. I told him how he'd be nervous around me, because anything wrong he'd say, I would explode out of proportion? 

My mother just did that. In a very special way, just the way a mother can spill years of insecurity on their kids. 

My sister types: "SHE HAS THE POWER TO BREAK US ALL". 

I replied with video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lif5tVdxEN0 wishing my mother had more sense of fashion. 

My husband told me how proud he was. For me being able to handle a trigger. 

I realized that this was the kind of borderline shit I'll have to handle for the rest of my life.  And it's cool. It's manageable. It's much less worse than it was before. 

And I'm really wanting to share this with you because for years I asked if the attacks would ever stop. If the depression would actually dissolve forever. If the anxiety would ever diminish. If understanding the world and being OK with the chaotic reality would ever happen.  

Cause you see, it's the opposite. We get stronger to deal with these emotions. We learn the tools to stop our own mechanisms. I still feel anxiety, I still feel depressed. But I also feel happy. Feel strong. Hopeful. I can understand all the variables in the situation and be cool with it. 

I think that makes me a stable borderline. Or I just became a hippie or something. 

