here’s a little rant i wrote the other night, let me know if you can relate or want to talk :)

i don’t know what i want or what’s wrong or why i cant just be content. things are great and i can’t complain about anything, can i? but it’s so uncomfortable when things are fine. i almost can’t stand it. it’s so wrong for things to be fine because i know that i’m not. i know i’m a mess and i know i’m crazy. i’m psychotic. i’m actually insane and this isn’t just adjective fluff. 

i see things and i hate it. my eyes won’t stay still half the time. i’m living in another world and i wish i could just accept where i am and that i’m alive. but the moments when i do are honestly more terrifying, and it’s crazy i didn’t even realize that’s what it was. the moments where i feel the weight of reality are seriously so disturbing it’s almost better to just be derealized all the time. or is it? i don’t even know at this point. all i know is i’m not fine and i hate the moments where i’m too distracted to remember. 

i’m broken. if i was ever even whole, and let’s face it, i wasn’t. this is a broken world and mankind is overwhelmed with pain from the first breath. i don’t think i will ever be content. there’s always something that leaves me empty and lifeless. 

but the apathy is the worst part. just floating in this purgatory waiting for the next wave of psychosis to hit. waiting for my next episode so i can harass all the people around me and feel good about it. i don’t know how I’m gonna make it this school year. I’m not content with the apathy and the other option is insanity. Lord please help me.