Hi. 

I'm here, because I desperately need some support. (So I wrote my first ever reddit post.)

I'm battling with life since I can remember. I take meds and go to therapy since 2014, when I started to have panic attacks while in law school (I dropped). Since then I've been hospitalised twice. 

During the last stay (which was 6 months last year) I found a book about BPD laying around, so I picked it up and after finding myself in all the symptoms and reading that people with BPD can be dangerous I started to have harm OCD, murderous thoughts and became so suicidal, I had to hide objects from my sight (all of it for the first time in my life). So I was moved to closed psych ward. 

After that I underwent diagnostics and received EUPD officially (along with Asperger's, but I wanted to have Asperger's so much, so I don't get BPD, that I read all I could about it, how Aspies perform in tests and so on, so it influenced my answers). 

After receiving the diagnosis my life fell apart. My will to live, outlook on life and my hope are completaly nonexistant. 

Before receiving the diagnosis I knew I had problems. I knew I was having problems with emotions, was impulsive (shopping sprees, went to psychiatric hospital on impulse as well) and suspected I feel angry all the time. 

I had problems with relationships, I never dated someone I fell in love with (that's too scary), I always started dating everything that showed me some kind of affection. I was frustrated in every collective of people, always hated everyone and was bullied a lot (and didn't know why).
I knew I wasn't able to stick to any schedule, changed careers like a chameleon (lawyer, then artist for 4 years, now I'm TV script advisor), wasn't able to keep my house clean, work and study on my own. And be truly, truly happy. But still... 

I liked myself nevertheless, I was hopeful I would get better (even though therapy was doing only one tiny wonder after another), I was able to make fun of my problems (my anxiety, depression, social phobia, agoraphobia, fear of crossing crosswalks etc.), feel happiness from time to time, was able to inspire others with mental illness and kept battling through. 

But since I got the BPD diagnosis all of it is gone. Since then I started to believe I'm a bad person, that I will kill someone one day, that I should be imprisoned, so I don't hurt anyone. I believe I should never have a partner or kids (if people like me are abusive and dangerous). I believe now I have to isolate myself as much as I can, so I don't hurt anyone. I always thought I won't be succesfull and now I believe I will be living with my parents for the rest of my life. I'm going to be a burden (even though I hate to be an emotionall burden to my mom and physical burden to my father). And for the last 6 months I keep telling myself it's not worth the wait and I should kill myself. 

I hate to hear there is hope, when I gave up on life and myself a long time ago and knowing I can get through (or come to terms) with BPD doesn't help. 

But even though I would like to know, whether there is anyone else, who's mental health dramatically dropped after receiving the diagnosis, who got through this or someone who can offer a different perspective, so I can start liking myself again. 

Having diagnosis, which made me believe I'm a spoiled brat who was acting wrong whole life, was rightly bullied, rightly marked as arrogant by authorities and always will doesn't help. And knowing everyone felt relieved after receiving the diagnosis doesn't help either (because I'm not able to feel the same).

Thank you very much!