"Because what you said is invalid"

"soon i'll never have another convo with you to stop that problem if you won't stop saying that same phrase over and over"

Ive been cheated multiple times at the start, she told me at first she was dating me for money, i constantly am driving myself to the point of tears. Its been 3 years of fighting with her family, making sure she doesnt kill herself to the best of my ability, helping her with somethings (sexuality, becoming pro vaccine, etc).

Im being told i dont care, im not putting any effort, i dont mean half the things i say, i make her feel like she doesnt deserve love.

She said im the reason shes been to the hospital, one time because i got mad at her for texting other guys while i was i the hospital (mind you after i got kicked out of my house when i was discharged because i left my parents JW religion and i recently came out as bi)

If i ever bring up the cheating and how it seriously traumatized me and effected me to this day, and its considered hurting her. If i ever bring up something i feel she did wrong or hurt me, she then says "but what about my feelings?" Or she says im attacking her. I could be like, "i feel like your gaslighting, im not saying you are and if you explain how your not ill believe you" but thats considered me saying shes a bad person

Were not even dating anymore, i just wanted to be friends because of all this i cant piece together, but im supposed to still give her physical affection. She said by me wanting to be just friends i want another girl, when in reality i just want to be alone rn, because im so hurt.

And despite all of that i feel like i genuinely horrible person, sitting here in tears, because i feel ashamed to tell this to anyone this because we had sexual relations after we broke up. And i know i should be allowed to say no, but i honestly dont even know if what i believe happened is real. I dont even know if i honestly was ever trying to be a good person. And i know she can read this subreddit post and im honestly scared. I dont know if this is the right tag or even if anyone here is remotely capable of helping me process any of this. But if anyone can say anything, please do, im scared and i dont know where else, if anywhere else, i can share this. Thank you if you can