It feels so real. It feels so raw. Everything I see, everything I hear sounds like a personal attack on myself. Manipulators are everywhere, there are no real friends. Everyone seems like an enemy. My boyfriend (now my ex), I would see him needing to distance himself from my toxic ways as a confession of hatred, of not wanting me anymore and not loving me- that he NEVER truly loved me. And suddenly all I see is hatred and disdain. I don’t want to feel negative emotions so deeply anymore. I don’t want to sink into the paranoia and anxiety every time. Every small interaction blows up in my face. I try not to care about the things that bother me, telling myself they are not that intense, they are not that real, to hold off on speaking about them, to carry on casual conversation while ignoring the bubbling rage and paranoia building up within, but everything in my body and mind screams that that’s exactly what a manipulator would want me to think. I can’t continue on like this, drowning in my own negativity and alternate reality. I am afraid. I feel alone. I don’t know what’s real and what is my toxic mindset changing the layout of the entire reality. How can I live when everyday feels like my perception gets skewed so intensely, swinging from full on love and trust to the absolute belief that no one ever loved me and is only trying to use me.

I am telling myself that no matter how bad I want to message him, how much I want to talk to him and hear his voice, I cannot allow myself that pleasure until I am consistently in therapy. I can’t afford that yet, but it is only the beginning. I cannot continue to destroy the relationship and his trust in me with my constant distrust and aggression when I begin to see things in an entirely different perspective.. this is just too much- too much guilt, too much chaos, too much disarray. I will not keep doing this to the man I claim to love while dragging that love all across the ground with this toxic paranoia. I can’t do this anymore, but why is it so hard to stop? Why is it so difficult to trust? So hard to believe? If you love someone, you should set them free. 

Love in the Dark by Adele is my theme song of the day. 
And Fireworks by You Me At Six. 

I am crushed by my own mind yet again. 