Since last time I posted here I thought things were going well, and that I was actually getting a hold of myself, got a better job with more money. Got a girlfriend who was amazing and even more so when compared to the past toxic relationships I'd been in and overall had been keeping active at the gym and going outside quite frequently. All this despite the constant intrusive thoughts, the mood fluctuations, the anhedonia, the constant feeling of not existing, and overall disassociating when things got too tough. But I kept going, I don't know how, and certainly don't know why but I did.

But it all came crashing down this year approximately Mid-March. Not to go into too much detail; my girlfriend lost her mother and combined with other personal issues and some sabotage by my 'sister' she broke up with me as it became too much. My nephew who I was excited to meet was a stillborn, I also had to go to the police and have them tell me someone present in my life has done some horrible things and they want me to testify in court against him. Overall the intrusive thoughts became deafening at this point and my emotions just flew everywhere. I fell into another self destruct binge, I began drinking again, instantly installed Tinder, as well as Hinge on a roommates recommendation (Both apps very draining on my self-confidence and energy), hooked up with a random and then tried my hardest to keep her in my life so I wasn't alone despite her wanting to keep things casual (she ditched shortly after). At some point I can't really remember, I became 'self-aware' and realized it was all pretty much heading downhill at break-neck speed and it needed to stop before something happened that would do permanent damage.

That's kind of where I am now, post self-awareness, but still waking up feeling like shit but hiding it from everyone. I go to my new job and smile, despite hiding the fact that I think I'm fucking it up beyond repair despite getting recognition for doing good. I'm still heading to the gym and being active despite when I walk into the gym I feel completely insecure about myself and comparing myself to the others there. I still return to my home to housemates that may or may not despise my very presence but it's still my home and I still prepare and eat meals and go into my room where I de-stress with anything I feel at the time (which changes on a dime in the moment). Something that did help recently was a comment made in another persons post. I can't recall but they mentioned accountability; if I'm remembering correctly that despite having BPD and being the way I am does provide an explanation to my actions, but at the end of the day I am still accountable for them. I agree with this and know that I need to do what I can to make as many positive actions as I can, which in basic summary is what I'm trying to do despite multiple setbacks in a very short amount of time. 

Also all this has helped me learn something about myself, like a core trait and to say it without trying to sound boastful or anything but I learnt that I'm actually really kind, caring, and empathetic. Sometimes too much which allows some people to manipulate me, but it is still a trait that is good to have.

Also just want to take this opportunity to say I hope you're all doing well, and you're amazing people.

TL;DR - Life going good, disaster strikes, life now shit and full of emotional turmoil but still coping as best I can. I learned something about myself, and you're all amazing people.