
I’m a 21M. I was a big outcast in highschool but looking back at it I don’t understand why? I hid from everyone and secluded myself to my room. I was athletic but just didn’t know I had that due to inactivity. I’m not ugly and had a little acne, but not bad enough to justify being an outcast. My dad was an alcoholic and caused me shame, but still not bad enough. I had a very loving and supportive mother who would have listened to me if I had problems. 

I started wearing makeup my senior year as I had attributed all of my problems to acne and not anxiety. This blew up in my face at college since I seriously was applying the makeup so poorly. On top of that if you asked me if I was wearing makeup, I’d say no. The acne became severe and my father passed away within the first month. I started getting bullied pretty early on because I really lacked social skills. Kind of like an unconscious bitch. One dude really went after me on the basketball court or just clowning me. 

I really just did everything in my power to fuck myself over. As soon as I took off the makeup, I was confident. Am I retarded? I allowed so much bullying pretty much only due to the makeup and that I wasn’t owning it. I had this comeback my sophomore year where I joined a frat and I did live down the past. But what the fuck was I thinking. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I would legit apply the makeup while I was in the shower to hide it from my roommate. He also wore makeup and always tried to reach out to me to get me to own it. I was so stubborn and determined to be a bitch. I swear to god if I wasn’t wearing makeup, I would have been socially normal and gotten along much better with those around me. I just needed a different coping mechanism. 

I remember people would always try to lift me up but I couldn’t hear it. One dude always told me that I should get a fade (type of haircut) and I’d just brush him off and keep the mop on my head. I feel retarded. I want to pursue cool and interesting things, but I feel like the past is too fucked. If this happened when I was 11, it’d be ok. But 18? It’s just sad. 

How to recover