Hey, sorry for my poor spelling. im getting diagnosed at the moment. I started a year ago and now I’m doing the “next level” as they do it here in Sweden. I feel like I fit the quiet bpd and I haven’t told my psychiatrist this. But I have told him I believe I have bpd. And I’m feeling so paranoid and worthless during this process that I’m thinking of just drop everything and not getting diagnosed and not get the help I know i need.. I’m not working and been isolated at home most of the time for about 6 months. I don’t want to do anything any longer cause I don’t really see the point. Yet I’m longing for connection and real love/friendships. But I feel like I can’t since I’m afraid of feeling connection and being abandoned. I told my mom I feel so alone and she said that I am alone in this, even tho I haven’t told them or anyone I think I have this. I just told them I’m getting a diagnose. It didn’t make me feel any better..
I don’t cut myself but I starving myself, shoplifting, have unsafe sex(not often) I used to party, drink and use drogs but stopped 6 months ago since they told I would feel better if I didn’t, except now i feel I need to stay isolated since I can’t escape my emotions in ways I used too and also feel more and more social anxiety. When I’m with my psychiatrist I don’t feel present and feel like I’m not sure of what I have answered to the questions. Have anyone felt the same? I don’t know what to do.. I’m doubting everything right now. Thinking maybe it’s all in my head. I have a hard time explaining what I’m feeling and why I’m acting like I do. But when they ask me questions about the criteria’s I fit them all except raging. I usually keep everything I feel for myself and also my mood swings to not let anyone see I’m hurting. When I started talking to others about my anxiety it felt like everyone wanted to leave me. I haven’t always been so closed. Feels like I’ve lost the grip completely.