I love my boyfriend very much. He's really the best match for me, he is sweet and caring. He is incredibly passionate and has a lot of wonderful traits and characteristics. However... he cannot self regulate at all. He flies into rages, he threatens to break up with me, he hurts himself, he gets angry at me for not being available whenever and however he needs. I napped for about 4 hours yesterday after a small dental surgery and he was furious. He's saying I turned my back on him, I abandoned him, etc. He says he's not going to start the job he just got because of me, it feels like I can't do anything right. He says everything will be better once we live together and I'm with him all the time but I just don't see how that will change things too much. I have BPD too and his emotions are hard for me to handle in addition to my own. He saw a therapist once and then refused to go back. I got DBT and borderline workbooks and he doesn't do those either. He refuses to do any therapy or meds and uses me as an excuse. I have been in therapy and off/on meds for years and years. I don't expect him to be in the same place I am but he doesn't seem to want to get out of this routine of emotional breakdowns every day. 

He says I'm a stranger because I can't read his mind. When I ask him to clarify he gets mad because I "should know" by now. I love him more than should be humanly possible but at this point I don't know if what I'm doing is good for either of us. I'm visiting with my family currently and every single time I do, he breaks up with me at some point during my trip. I'm tired. I'm tired of being the whipping girl, I'm tired of being worried about what I'm going to say to him for fear that he will be upset. I'm tired of feeling guilty as fuck for having boundaries, for not participating in the hateful texts he sends me. I love him so much and he says he loves me too but he never feels comforted by the things I say, if I am not standing in front of him it's like he forgets how much I love him and he rages against me and says things that really hurt me. I am an avoidant personality type. Big anger literally frightens me and I just want to get away from it. Which exacerbates the issues and I take full responsibility for that. 

I know we don't spend as much time together as we both want but even when we are together, the moment I have to leave he once again falls into this deep depression. We have been together for 8 years and we both were very very untreated in the beginning. We have a plan to finally be able to move in together (thanks in large part to his new job, that he may or may not go to now.) but he seems to be sabotaging it. 

Thanks for reading this as it got a little rambling and disjointed, I don't know what to do and frankly I'm scared. I'm scared of losing him, I'm scared he will never want to do the (very difficult) work of hating himself less, I'm scared it's always going to be my fault.