Hi. My name doesn’t matter, because no one knows it anyway. When I was 10 my father was diagnosed with tinnitus and ever since then he went a little crazy. He started just yelling at us , screaming. Constant anger. Cursing at us. Drowning in his desire to make the ringing stop in alcohol. Everyday my parents would scream at eachother and my dad would make my mother feel less than a person because she was a woman. He always says he’s the boss and what he believes if more valid than what everyone else believes because he uses facts to create his beliefs and everyone else is an idiot. I began to feel inferior and weak. I hated feeling weak. On top of that I was only young. Kids suck and they began to comment on my weight, my appearance, I began to hate myself. A year later I was diagnosed with anorexia , became addicted to cutting, and wanting to do nothing more than die. I was hospitalized and was reminded everyday just how much my parents were suffering. My dad made me feel weak, I feared him, I cried every day multiple times a day, I was scared anything and everything would push him over the edge and he would yell at me. Nothing I did was ever good enough for anyone. I was 13 the first time I tried to kill myself. I think I’m onto my 6th or 7th time now, I don’t count. I became addicted to wanting everyone to like me. I was a like able child, I was naive and believed I was invincible. I tried to please everyone around me at all times. To the point where I starved myself so I wouldn’t be fat, so they would like me. I changed the way I looked and forced myself to hate the things I loved so I would be accepted. I dressed basic so they would all like me. I buried all of my pain inside so I wouldn’t be called weird for it. This continued into my relationships, my friendships. I was raped by my first boyfriend at the age of 14 years old. He told me I liked it so I believed him because I didn’t want to make him mad. He would hit me and tell me he was just freaky and that I was too sensitive and it was hard on him so I should apologize to him. He got me addicted to vaping, he forced me to smoke, he even tried getting me to do harder stuff. Because I never defended myself. I never found my voice. Reoccurring nightmares of what he did to me continue to this day. He would never use a condom. He said no whenever I asked him too. He said he liked it better without one and I shouldn’t doubt his pull out game. I was terrified of him but I thought the feeling in my stomach was love. Now I’m just angry. Everything and everyone that’s ever hurt me makes me angry. I don’t understand what I did to deserve it all. I don’t know who I am. I never got to choose because everyone hated me for every version of myself I made. No one knows the real me because I can’t handle being rejected. I was never good enough as myself , or as anyone else. I don’t even know what love feels like. I drift farther and farther away from everyone as the days go on. It will hurt them less if we aren’t friends and I go away. I never did anything for them anyway. A disappointment and a burden to everyone around me, to everyone who ever contacts me. It doesn’t make me sad anymore it just makes me mad. I’m 5’2 120 pounds, I don’t scare anyone. I just get so mad , I wish people understood what it feels like to truly be so depressed, feel so helpless, feel so worthless and angry at everyone that taking 20 melatonin to sleep every night isn’t a big deal. I needed to get this all out but I feel guilty for even calling what has happened pain when others have had it so much worse. I grow more disgusted with myself everyday.