sorry for the repost but i’m in desperate need of help so i figure if i do it again more people could help.  

Hello, I’m unsure of how to introduce myself but just call me D for short. I, D am 15 years old my birthday is coming up soon and i don’t want to celebrate it at all. im not sure if anyone is actually going to see this it’s 4 am right now for me. I want to kill myself and the only proper way to explain it is telling u majority of my life. Growing up i had an older brother who i used to spend time with all the time i was around 2 or 3 years old i think i was a bit older but im confident i was around 3. he was my best friend and one day he just passed away from cancer. it took me a while to sink that in since im so young and didn’t understand death i always used to call him to eat dinner with us and i guess me doing that everyday i finally realized he didn’t come down anymore, i don’t think i realized he was dead though just that he stopped coming and they told me he died. i also remember my parents telling me during pre school i woke up during sleepy time to look up at the clouds cause i believed he was in heaven at that time. i got a therapist a young age but stopped coming to him but it didn’t make a difference i had a deep depression that showed when i got older around 9-10. even people just mentioning his name made me cry. and that’s when my first suicidal thoughts occurred. i grew older and started to see my grandparents more only for them to die at a young age for me my grandpa first then my grandma i don’t even remember what they were like. time goes by and i think i’m about in 6th grade i started making friends and i ended the year off good only for me in 7th grade to have a smaller amount of friends and it made me sad. ended year off okay then in 8th i don’t even remember because that’s when covid hit, but i only texted my friends online and had none irl. when 9th came i had no friends at all i skipped lunch entirely cus i had nobody to sit with i sometimes skipped into the bathroom cus i was so lonely they were so cold and terrible  i had no friends and my parents got into constant arguments i also had a masturbating addiction start a while back and i started developing fetishes i keep to myself. my two side of my family’s drifted apart. 10 grade now and i think i’m at my lowest my cousin was recently shot dead by a gang cause he was in their rival one. it’s been rough for me since it’s still fresh. a week ahí actually. he also just turned 18 and had a baby. my parents argued more, my father abuses my mom and cheats on her with one women and cheats again with that other one. my father has cheated on my other siblings mothers before i have 8 on his side. they argued so bad this recently i took out a knife and threatened to stab my self i really wanted to. having no friends nobody to talk to irl nobody hug and even if i did talk about it in afraid i’d be sent to a mental hospital because the feeling of suicide is so constant. my parents are getting a divorce and i’m not supposed to talk to my dad anymore. i want to still though since he is my dad but his mental issues make him a bad husband. my cousin that got killed was one of my best friends growing up so it was almost as bad as my older brother dying again. i have inflicted self harm onto myself in the past during one of my parents arguing with a razor. only good thing about my life is that i finally have a lover that relates to me understands me and loved me genuinely but i don’t know how to cope with any of this at all. I have no friends i’m addicting ro masturbating and i feel unloved my father this is all excluding how i feel about my physical looks which make me feel bad as well. i don’t know what to do at all doed anyone have advice