i have never felt so lost and unsure of my identity before. 
my ex who was also my FP broke up w me a month ago. our relationship was intense- good times were so good, but the bad times were... really, really  bad. ive done/said things that i'm not proud of bc of splitting and feeling abandoned and BPD is still somewhat a new diagnosis so i haven't managed the symptoms it very well.. my ex knew that i was struggling, that i didn't really mean the things i did, but obviously they still hurt. the relationship was draining and toxic, especially for her. we ended it amicably, and i'm glad we can have space to heal on our own and be our own person again.

but my ex's sister hates me, said i was abusive and malicious. my ex says she doesn't think that, and i have friends who say they think i'm a good person and that i wasn't abusive. i want to be really mindful of not blaming shitty toxic behaviour on my mental illness... but i've just been in a constant state of confusion and anxiety of whether or not i was abusive or not. i can't really remember? having these two opposing opinions of me is so overwhelming.
my ex's sister has turned a few mutual friends into also thinking i'm this horrible abusive person. they were close friends that ive known for years and i feel so heartbroken. it's made me feel unsafe and paranoid, confused and it makes me feel like i don't deserve to be alive. i attempted suicide recently bc i hated myself so much bc of everything that was being said about me.

idk at this point i don't know how to live with myself, i don't know who i am and i feel like that even if i try to improve myself that people will just see the bad. i really just want to disappear. 



