I don't know if this will make any sense, but not only have I split on my little brother (because he agreed to something I suggested that I didn't like...), but also my FP (for agreeing to the same thing), and myself, for suggesting it. It's not just hatred, it's this burning desire to destroy myself and shred everything apart just to watch it all burn. To ruin everything I have. It's like there's this flood of resentment and despise in my gut, locked behind a door that is only held shut by a flimsy chain that's being corroded away. And any damn second that hatred is going to burst out and consume me. Hatred^10

It's not my normal hatred I have for myself, but the hatred I feel towards others when I split on them...except directed at myself? It's hard to explain. It probably sounds and reads like what it normally ia but the feeling is different. Just...not easy to describe and it's making me want to OD because I'm so angry. Sorry if this makes no sense but I'm lost on how to deal with this, this is something completely different than I'm used to...even if it doesn't sound like it, it is.