I differ from a standard aspect of BPD as I have always had a set goal of what I wanted to do as a career since I was 13/14 (I am 19 now) and consistently maintained this goal all this time. I was a high achiever academically all through school and college, up until my second year of college doing my A levels when I started to have problems with drugs as a coping mechanism for my emotional dysregulation, was in a toxic relationship and my father became emotionally abusive; I slipped with my grades getting AAB instead of AAA/AAA* meaning I didn't get into the university I had been aiming towards and obsessed with for YEARS. This completely ruined me, I went on a massive bender of self loathing, became completely dissociated, was getting myself into impulsive situations with sex and drugs and this went on for weeks eventually leading to a suicide attempt. I was undiagnosed at the time and didn't get a diagnosis until 2-3 months later because the mental health resources in my home town are terrible. 

The thing is, I still got into a really good university to do the subject I wanted to, and AAB are good grades, yet I still find my 'failure' devastating to think about. Even when I'm doing well at something I can never praise myself because I find a part of it where I have 'failed'. I'm scared because I have only ever seen myself as following one 'path', and if I haven't done well enough this year (which I probably haven't) I can't follow this path in the way I have decided is best. Rationally, I know that there are other options but I just am unable to change my feelings about it. I'm afraid of how it's going to affect me when I get my results in summer, I don't have issues with drugs etc anymore but I am terrified of the emotional blowback. I have a narrow minded way of thinking where things HAVE to go a certain way, and I have to achieve in a certain way and this is the only option otherwise I am a failure and I have failed at everything I was meant to do. 

Does anyone else get fixated on failure this way? And obsessive about the way you reach goals having to be the 'right ' way? How do you deal with this if so?

Sorry for the wall of text. 