I don't want to say I have a "lot" of followers or anything, but early this year I hit 10,000 followers on my art instagram. This is great for reach, and I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but I've found the more followers I get, the less I want to self disclose. The more self conscious I am about posts, the more particular I am about what I post. My art instagram used to be my safehaven; now I'm afraid to share any of even harmless opinions. The more followers I get, the more different people treat me. The more likes my posts get, the less I *actually* get to genuinely interact with other people. So I feel watched almost. And people start seeing you less of a person and more of a brand or nebulous entity. And that worries me. What's the point anymore, when you can't have fun, or have a platform to share yourself on, but it eats you up inside because you feel vulnerable and exposed, served up on a polished platter for people to consume. To gawk, to judge, to ridicule... because the more fans you get, the more trolls see you too, the more people there are to dislike you and put you down. It goes both ways.

I did this to share parts of myself, to connect with others, but nowadays I feel more like I'm just being watched. Judged. I don't know what people think. My friends have remarked that the comments I get can be rather dry, or that I tend to get a lot more likes than I do comments, and trust me, it isn't from bots, I've always grown organically. But not knowing. That eats me up inside. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, when so many people see your posts but you aren't actually, truly interacting with people. It makes me wonder.

I used to like Instagram, but the more followers I get, the less of a person I feel.