Part 1 of 2

**Introduction**

Mental health is a hot topic now all around the world and thankfully its now get the recognition for what it is and no longer being branded as been a minor or trivial condition. For men especially in the construction industry in the past, they would have been comments like “Just grow up and stop being silly” when men tried to speak up about this subject. Mental health at some point during a lifetime effect one in four adults and 1 in 10 children in the UK. For me I never knew very much about mental health until I was first sectioned on the 26th of October 2009, which I was working as a site manager in Middleton, Manchester. It was later confirmed that I had bi-polar. An operative who was once working for me in London described what he understood about bi-polar individuals. He said “Bipolar people are like another species; they think in a unique way and act in a unique way. They have the ability to process information like a computer does, they are like human computers.” I laughed at that statement and hope it’s true. 

**Been Sectioned** 

I had been working for a Scottish construction company and I had been travelling around the UK working on building new supermarkets. I had joined this company as a junior site manager is 2006. Leading up to being hospitalised, I had been working 7 days a week with little or no sleep. At the time, I have no idea that I had the condition of bi-polar, until after the doctors had seen me in Hospital. Looking back from the present, I have concluded that I have a rather unusual condition. In my manic episodes I get very high for an extremely long time (months and months on end) before I peak and then need medical assistance. 

On the night of the 25th of October 2009, I had stayed awake the whole night on my own in the company flat, while my Girlfriend X (now wife X) was asleep upstairs. I had been feeling euphoric for a number of months (cannot quite recall exactly how long but know it was for a long time) With I started to peak, I get psychotic delusional beliefs that somehow, I’m being watched and that I am the centre of a major conspiracy plot, where I am in the centre of it all. That my life has being planned out and get grandeur ideas that I can solve some of the world greatest problem, for example, at one time I thought that I would be able to solve the middle east conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. This idea has persisted with me for several years, but then I realised that it was side effect of my bi-polar condition. I have attached the exact letter that I wrote to myself on this night, to give you an insight in the state of play my mind was in. I have left these types of documents that I wrote to show the full explosion of been in a manic stated. It’s hard to describe this moment, but when you see the writing, it may give you an insight to degree of creative thinking with delusional ideas. 

Exact recap of the letter I wrote to myself on the night 25th of October 2009, just before being sectioned. 

Who are you, a wee sonnet, silly little quotes, Poem, Song, Prayer, manuscript, parchment, that’s the question?

Where’s the fun gone in life?

Here’s the Question. The question is;

Are you Honest?

If the response is yes, then that’s the answer I needed to hear. Boom-Boom. Here goes:

You’re as honest as the day is long

Mr Dempsey walks down to the local pub for the craic? That’s in my mind is the camel being broken. Lads, Lads, Stop the car lads!!!!!!- I’m going to be sick.............

Let’s cut through the bullsh\^t: 

People of earth reclaim your land. Stand up for your rights. you’re aggrieved, then let it be known. The best form of revenge is **embarrassment**, please block off all fire escapes here. I get it! Boom-Boom. Saying sorry and meaning sorry are two different things. Overdraft fee, sorry whose coat is that jacket there. I’ll be there now in a minute. That’s a cracker. 

The old sayings are the best sayings, 

Blood is thicker than water. 

What will be, will be and don’t count your chickens until they hatch. 

A family that prays together stays together. Home is where the heart is. 

No longer required to lock up your daughter, Boom-Boom! The road is always straight! She’s a local lassie. 

If you watched “Star Wars”, X-Factor, and in “Friends”, and can remember Phoebe say when after Rachel and Ross got it on after watching the debts on VCR say lobster, you’ve got it. No flies on you, my friend. I got it! You’re now on the winning side. 

Some people can be so senile cant them. Give the man his place. Boom-Boom. Who said knowledge is powerful, the lights on? I got it. 

To my primary school teacher that told me I was stupid, well done. Boom-Boom. Spell Dyslex (my way)~~ia~~ but I suppose the spell check of **Dyslexia** will never happen. Computer says no. Think outside the box. 

The lights on and I am at home. Think about it! Mr Gore you’re the Man!

Like father and son. He’s a clever man. As honest as the day is long. The question is “Are you honest, answer is YES I AM, because I said so. Cause I said so. 

Why send a letter with the man is down the road, Boom-Boom (Shop man - planning my next assault as that the craic gets even better? Boom-Boom)

Let’s rebel. F\^ck it. No more mister nice guy. 

Piers Morgan’s- Nice, good show last night. Now that’s what I am taking about. Those Welsh Valleys seems too good to be true, but YES, the views are lovely. 

It’s dark out there; best take a lamp with you. Jesus, its freezing in the desert, Christ almighty what happened who’s to blame here. 

Exam result in. 

In lay man’s terms, how did you your wan get on with the results: Just like it sounds!

**Irish Political Results**

FF -Fail

FG/Labour- TBC

**English Political results**

Gordon honest but dim

Cameron best of a bad bunch

Liberal Democrats - must try harder

BND- No score

**International studies**

Australia the same as its always being. Boom-Boom. Good times to be had. 

The truth hurts with it’s someone you know. 

But there is a brighter future, the mist is rising, and I reckon it’s going to be a cracking day. And here to present the winning cup is the captain- is the chairman Obama. A lot will change quite quickly. I see it now coming. 

Big Man Boom-Boom!

Life’s about cycles, up and down, bull’s and bear’s and all that sort of things. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Some home truths here and your 

If you didn’t get it when watching “STAR WARS”, “X-Factor”, etc. and when Rachel and Ross hit it off and 

Monica and Chandler, you didn’t get it, you’re not at the races. I feel good. 

Real friends need to see each face to face not through a phone line. 

First class is it; you can pee around the back. 

Assent of money is a good start. 

Pub quiz- haven’t got a clue, we will have a pint anyway. Good Stuff. Pint of white stuff please!!! It’s nice to be nice. 

Tommy down the back, are you taking notes

Man, this movie is so serious. Let’s get out of here!!

There’s nothing but bad news on TV.

The real question to be asked is 

That’s funny, very difficult signs appear on the world 

The proof is in the pudding. 

Warning-Flashing 

RTE-Much improved. About time too, been asleep on the job I think!!

BBC- Vastly improved (the frost man himself, who else, Boom-Boom). Order, Order x 2, learned my lesson. Special mention for Daily Telegraph. Receipts to be sent to head office for approval. Well, done and about time. Money makes the world go round. Love your women’s mag. Think of the Romans they were British, Nick. Boom-boom. Clever Clogs. Left, middle or right-handed people, I don’t mind either way, you can still write can you. 

Fox news- Sorry computer says no. (Sent back to China as the sound is very dodgy). Boom-Boom. 

Daily Mail for the fire, Boom-boom. Don’t go their brother/sister/mother/Father/Aunt, little brother, and small children and if you have nothing good to say then say nothing at all.

You think you have is bad, but you don’t! It’s only a house. Think about! No really. Think about.

You can’t teach an old dog new trick, Boom-Boom!!

Think of the good time- Sorry how you are taking about their Ted. 

Back home, I have forgotten you, but to be fair you knew this was coming. 

Peace out! And keep your shin up. Old with the old and in with the new I say. 

Moving forward, next steps will be......................... watch this space.

Mr Simpson- your kid's fine. He’ll grow into a fine lad. Think amount it!

Bye, bye. 

P.S.

To my American friends, it’s been a while, but I am thinking of you, got it on my list of things to do but just been busy with other things. Catch you later though.

End of letter to myself- wrote on the 26th of October 2009. 

**Emotion of Embarrassment** 

In the morning after writing my letter to myself, girlfriend X came down to see how I was doing. She had been aware that I can’t come to bed and had texted me during the night to check in with me. We were both in the kitchen in the morning when girlfriend X asked me a question that she had never asked me before. She asked me “How many women I slept with”. I straight away told her the number of women I had sex with and instantly burst in to crying. I must have sobbed for 2 mins inconsolably and girlfriend X hugged me and said it was OKAY. This was my first emotional breakthrough. This was emotion of embarrassment. 

**Emotion of Anger** 

After I had spent all night writing a letter to myself, laying out what I was going with my life and certain aspect of my character, I went for a drive to Tesco the next morning. It was a Sunday morning and I had set off to pick up a newspaper from my local Tesco, but I had forgotten that it was a Sunday, and in United Kingdom, shops only open at 10am. So, I turned around and started my drive back to the flat. I could feel that I wasn’t well, as I stated to well up with me eutrophic episode. At I stopped at a red traffic light, I noticed a police van had pulled up to me in the next lane. Suddenly I started waving at the police office in the passage seat, then I proceed to open my door, and walked to the side footpath, I lay down and put my hands behind my back. I remember both police officers walking over and asking me what the matter was. I said “I’m not right. I need help”. With that they put hand cuffs on me (for obvious reasons) and placed in the back of the police van. I sat and began to shout at the camera within the police van. I stated to recall issued and memories that had laid dormant in my memories since been a child at primary school. I began to swear at my primary school teacher for making me out to be stupid and thick. I was a senior site manager of a 6 million project and had a master’s degree in civil engineering. I have dyslexia and felt that my primary school teacher has treated me as though I was un-teachable. Suddenly I bust out crying and tears stated to pour down my face. This was my second emotional breakthrough of the day. The emotion of Anger. 

The police van stopped, and the officers opened the back door to let me out. A nurse came out and asked me how I was doing? I said again “I’m not well”. I was taken inside to a room, where one of the police officers came with me. I kept saying “I only speak the truth; I don’t tell a lie”. I kept saying these works repeatedly. Then, a nurse came in and asked if she could take a blood sample which I agreed to. Within this room, there was a two-way mirror. I could about make out a figure in the background. There was a bed, chair, and toilet. I kept saying to the police office how I could solve all the problems that are present in the world as I do not lie. After what felt like an eternity (15 mins or so), the nurse who took my blood sample and 3 doctors came into the room and sat opposite me. 

The first doctor said “P, what's wrong?” I replied by saying “I'm being watched”, “I'm being watched by them”. The doctor replied by saying “Who is watching you.” I stated to get angry as I kept having to repeat my sentences to him. I then shouted at him repeatedly until the third doctor spoke and asked me to calm down. I remember saying to the first doctor “I’m finished with you, now I’m talking to the main man.” The third doctor said, “It’s going to be Ok” and with that all three doctors and the nurse left the room. 

I could see them (doctors) through the screen making notes, but that did not bother me. I knew I needed help, and this was the way to achieve it. After a while girlfriend was let into the room to see me. I had told the police office previously the address of where I was staying in Manchester, and they had gone to the house and told her what had happened and where I was. X said to me “Do you know what’s happening here, are you ok.” Considering that I had just gotten back with X after taking a break, I could see that she was emotionally concerned about my welfare and could not understand what had happened to me and why I was in a psychotic hospital about to be sectioned. I hugged her and said it would be all right. 

At this point, I was sectioned and put into the hospital in South Manchester, where I stayed in for 4 weeks. I was on a plunder of medications which I had to take daily. When I went into hospital, I was about 15 stone of solidly built as I had loved my time going to the gym three times weekly. When I left Hospital, I was about 21 stone and looked in an awful state. I had put on so much weight, that I struggled to tie my shoelaces when sitting on a chair. 

After I left the hospital, my sister had arrived from Ireland and had driven me up to Edinburgh where I was living at the time.  My work company had contacted me and had said to take as much time off as required and that I would still get paid while I recovered from my episode. So, I was still taking my meds and trying to regain my sleep patterns. I lived in a share apartment with other people, and I had a room with a shared kitchen/washroom and living room. 

**Emotion of Faith/Religion** 

About 3 weeks after arriving from in Edinburgh from Hospital, I found myself wanting to go to a catholic church. I had been a catholic all my life as that is the way what happens when you are brought up in Ireland. I remember walking down Lothian in Edinburgh on a mission to find a Catholic church. When I walked into St Marys Catholic Church at the top of Leith Way. It was the middle of the day and there was no service on at the time. The church was empty of people, and I was on my own. I remember walking to the left aisle and seeing the stations of the cross. If you do not know, there are the 14 images of Christ from carrying the cross initially, falling while carrying the cross, until the final crucifixion of Christ on the final image. As I started looking at the image in sequence and when I got to the Final image (of Christ been crucifixion) I welled up and burst in the crying uncontrollably. This was my third emotional breakthrough. I remember running back to the flat in Edinburgh and phoning X. I remember crying into the phone and tell X that God I had a connection, as If God had spoken with me. At the time I must have still been in a bit of a delusional state of mind, but at the time this was real to me. I remember X saying “That I wasn’t well and that I should contact the doctors again and ask for more med.” I was telling her how God and reached out and touched me which I was looking at the picture of Christ on the cross. This was the emotion of Religion/Faith

**Getting Back to Work**

After about 6 months off work, my doctor signed me off and I advised that I could return to work. I was still on the same medication of Olanzapine and Depakote. Initially I worked out of the Livingstone office, where I am doing light duty work after speaking to HR. When I returned to work, I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I had let the team down and that How was I going to get my life back to the way it was previously. Mental health as we know has come a long way since then. Even drafting this paper now, there is a lot more awareness of mental health, the symptoms and even acknowledgement that a lot more needs to be done to remove the stigma around mental health. But for me, when I returned to work, I could not stop thinking of how I let my family down, my work colleagues and friends. The shame of it all I thought. 

But over time I learned to accept my bi-polar condition and realise it was a part of my personality. After a year of light duties, I was feeling surprisingly good about myself. My director then requested if I could work on a 3 million Highway and utilities diversions for a Tesco extra in Corby, England. I said yes and had the same role and responsibility and back to where I started prior to me been first sectioned. I was in a good place. I was able to tell work mates about all my stories of my bi-polar and was engaged with strangers what it was like having been sectioned and my life history. My psychiatrist informed me that I was able to come off the medication completely and return to a normal life.

**Emotion of Fear** 

In 2013, I was working building another supermarket in Little Hampton in West Sussex. This time it was a Sainsbury’s. I was made-up to a senior site manager and was working of the fit-out element of the building. Thing were going well, and I was enjoying life. I was off the meds, but towards the end of the project, I began to realise that my euphoric phase was starting to develop again. I knew that I was in trouble. I was doing a site induction one morning with a group of new workers attending site. As I was telling them in the induction room, where the toilets were, assemble points, some of the guy at the front of the table started to laugh. So, I stopped the talk and said, “Boys what’s funny.” A short stocky guy replied, “You’re talking so fast I can’t follow what you are staying”. O shit I said to myself. I had been doing forced speech. This was a tell-tell sign that my bi-polar phase was kicking back in again. Having realised what the guy had said, I tried my best to end the induction, with me consciously watching my speech, trying to slow down the words that were coming from my mouth.  I finished the day and went back to the company flat. I slept a little but was awake most of the night. 

As I was driving in to site the next morning, I began to think of me getting sick again and my bi-polar starting to develop all over again. I was thinking that I didn’t want to see a doctor again, didn’t want to start taking the med again. I was back down to 14 stone and felt that I didn’t want to put on the weight again. All these thoughts started to weigh in on me as I was driving. Suddenly, I was overcome with my emotion and burst out crying. I slowed down the car and came to a stop of the side of the road where I cried my eyes out for 2-3 minutes. This was my fourth emotions of been frightened of the return of my bi-polar. The emotion of Fear. After I stopped crying, I continued my journey to work and said noting of what happened to X, my work colleagues or work mates. Just kept it all under warps and hidden away. Too afraid to admit I needed help. I carried on for the project and managed to finish the job on time and within budget. 

**Emotion of Sadness** 

My next project was a Sainsbury again, this time in Sheffield. The project started in spring 2014 and I had a hotel booked during the weekdays and come back to home where I was now living with X. At this stage, I was now married engaged to X and life was again starting to look good for me. I was able to come back from the abyss and find my feet again. I was still a little euphoric but other than that I was feeling fine. X and I had gone on an alcoholic filled weekend to Brighton as we were going to buy to wedding rings for our up-and-coming wedding later in the year. I had a lot of alcohol that weekend and as the doctors will tell you, drinking alcohol and having bi-polar is not a good mix. 

On Sunday, as X and I left the hotel and drove back to home. On the journey back I knew I had major issues with my bi-polar. It was starting to flare up again and this time in a bad way. I said noting to X. After all, we had just bought our wedding rings and I did not want her to worry or call the doctors. I was in denial of these systemic problems that I was now facing. I got home on Sunday evening, had dinner out in a café and then I drove up to Sheffield. This was about a 3 and half hour journey on a Sunday night with little or no traffic. As I was driving, I was preforming an extreme method of concentration of driving. I travelled at 60mph on the motorway to avoid the need of speeding as my fear was of crashing into the road barrier. I managed to get to the car park next to the hotel in the centre of Sheffield. It took me ages to get the car booth open, get my cloths bag out, lock the car. These every day activity was being calculated out in my head as if every action had to be planned out and I had to put all my concentration into these little functions. When I got to the hotel, I was seen by the service desk assistant. I remember she asks me for my vehicle number plate. I replied saying “GN63” and then my mind went a blank. I could not remember the final digits. I got the room key and got the lift to my room level. I got into the room and sat myself down on a chair where the tea and coffee were and thinking to myself – “Man I’m in trouble”. Walked around the room and my psychosis episode started to kick in. I imagined that I was been watched again by government agents. I looked out the hotel window and seen in the far distance another hotel, and a guy with all the lights on at this same level and him working on a white board. I believed that this man was purposely put there for me to see, and this was a sign that the world governments wanted me to see. The idea of being a Middle East peace ambassador. All these ideas started to run through my head again. The genie was out of the box and playing illogical thought in my head. I lay on the bed and called X. It must have been around 1am in the morning. Again, I started to cry over the phone as soon as X picked up. I started to tell her that I was sick again, and that I would have to quit my job. I told her to take me home. The emotion of leaving my company was an emotion of security and loving what I did for them. This was the emotion of Sadness.

So then, without thinking I started to trash my hotel room. I threw up the TV and bed linen and the furniture. A real rock and roll type of actions. I could see myself doing this, but unable to control my thoughts which lead me to conduct these actions. I went to the hotel room, looked out the peep hole, expecting to see an agent on the other side. There was none. On the back of the door was a fire plan for the hotel, and been in the construction game, I had often done fire plan as mark of the legal documents that go with the site set-up. I opened the door and went into the hallway. Then I pushed the hotel fire alarm, and all the fire alarm bells when off at once. I ran down the fire escape, exited the hotel, and waited outside. About 15 mins later, a member of the hotel staff shouted false alarm and that all personal could return to their room. Hotel guests and I walked back into the hotel. I was still in a state of euphoric. I said nothing about me setting off the fire alarm to hotel staff. I went to reception and asked for my room key again as I had lost/forgotten what room I was in. I returned to my room and seen the destruction of the room I had done about ½ hour earlier. I sat on the bed and looked out the room window watching the sun rising. X called me to see where I was and how was I doing? I said nothing about the state of the room. She said that she was getting the train up from London to Sheffield and would drive us down using my car. I went downstairs and had breakfast and waited for the arrival of X. 

**Emotion of Sectarianism/Hatred** 

When she came, we went to the car park and picked up the car and left Sheffield. It was at this time my mania went into overdrive. I was talking aloud and my emotions that I was feeling and the grand ideas in my head. About agents been around me and as we were driving, I could see them in the car ahead and next to us. I cannot remember the entire emotional breakthrough, but I certainly had some on the dive down. I remember crying numerous times. When we were approaching the final stretch before getting to the house, I remember seeing a car ahead with the badge GB. I was still talking aloud all this time. X was concentrating on driving as she said afterwards that I was in a frenzy of states. But when I’d seen this GB plate, I said “Where I come from, BG means Great Bastard, my best friend is English. I was thinking of my good friend Vinnie, who I had worked with for many years. As soon as the words came out, I broke down and cried uncontrollable. This was the emotion of sectarianism/hatred been broken. Another milestone. 

Got back home, and X contacted the Mental Health Team regarding my condition right away. They said could I attend the hospital in X’s car or did I want an ambulance. X said that she could drive and off we went to see the doctors. When I got there, I was still hallucinating, but about in control. I walked into a room with two doctors and explained that while I was eutrophic I was still fine to function. The doctors agreed and I return home. Not sure how I pulled that off and I should have been sectioned right there and then. I obviously did not mention to the doctors about trashing the hotel room or setting off the fire alarm. I realised after I should have but that was back then and too afraid to get help that was badly needed. 

A few days later, I send an email my firm tell them that I was resigned from my role with immediate effect. This did not go down well with X, and I did it spontaneously and told her that I wasn’t going to retract it and that I was better off leaving this role. The world was at my begging, and I could do whatever I wanted and noting was impossible to achieve, so long as you put your mind to it. Another state of delusion. 

**Emotion of Love for my Wife**

I was back on the meds now and started to book in home visits from the mental health team. They would come initially every day, and then every second day and as time moved on the gaps would get wider and wide. They would come around 11am in the morning and stay for about a 45 mins time slot. We would talk about my how was I feeling and had I any irrational thoughts or ideas. As the meds worked, I began to reap the rewards of been able to control by bi-polar episode. I stated to write down ideas and thoughts, first on paper again and then on word doc. I remember thinking of PX one morning and writing the idea that a marriage is a contract is which love is the principal idea. 

When the nurse came that morning, I welcomed him into the living room and sat opposite him on the second couch. His first question was “How was I doing?” I started to talk, but my eyes started to drift off from where he sat, and I saw an image of the religion of Jain on the wall. My wife was of Indian descent and was born and raised in Nairobi, Kenya. She had come here to study children’s physio in Wales and had since found work in the NHS, where she still works to this day. When I locked eyes on the Jain symbol (Indian religion) I thought of X. Instantly, I burst in to crying when this was the strongest emotion of all (period). I must have cried for at least 5 mins and at the end I kept apologising to the nurse over what had happened. This was the emotion of Love. The nurse left and I continued my day resting at home. After a couple of months, the nurses stopped visiting the house and I just had to see the psychiatrist every couple of months at his surgery.  

As I was now unemployed, I stayed at home and slept on the couch. I tried to get exercise and when to my local gym. On the very first time I went, I used the rowing machine. After about 3 mins of rowing, I started to sweat profusely and my whole head was in a pool of sweat. I stopped and when home. I thought to myself that that was a bit odd as I had done rowing a lot in the past and was still a young man. Decided that I was not ready for the gym just yet. 

About 6 months later I was able to secure a new role as a construction site manager with a company based out of Rumford, Northeast London. I only lasted 3 months. Still not able to function correctly. The pressure came back, and I was afraid of getting sick again. Left on good terms, but the role was not for me, or I was unable to conduct the functions of a site manager. I again was back unemployed again and lying on the couch unable to face work. For some reason, my bi-polar stated to creep back into my life. It never left me, from the time in that Sheffield Hotel. I now thing I should have gone back into Hospital at that time.  

**Emotion of Love for my Dad and Emotion of God Divine Power** 

It’s now May 2014 and X is at work. She knows that something is wrong and is starting to get concerned again. My Bi-polar is back vigorously. On the morning of the 26th of May, X phones Ireland and speaks to Mum about her concerns. I walk into the bedroom X is on the phone. I asked X for the phone so I can speak. She hands me the phone and it was mum on the other side. I say “Mum, Can I speak to Dad,” “Of course Son” and Dad talks. “How are you keeping son, is everything alright”. I respond by saying “Dad – I love you.” I burst out crying and must leave the bedroom when I continue crying. Another emotional experience of Love. X speaks to the Mental Health Team and asks can they see me. I have a time slot to see them at 10:30am. 

X leaves for work, and I wait in the sitting room. I suddenly have an idea to watch DVD’s that I have in the TV stand. The first film I watch is the matrix 1. I must have seen this 20 times and is one of my favourites. I get to the end of the movie, and there is a scene in which Morpheus (a fictional character in the film) says a line “He’s the one.” I instantly bust into crying for several minutes. I have since tried to categorize what emotion what was, but unable to put my finger on it. All I know is that it is the emotion of believing that I had some Gods divine power about myself. That I have a God status like emotion linked to my delusion of being the special one (a Middle East ambassador). 

The next movie is Indian Jones, and the Crystal skull. I have lost all control and am in the middle of my bi-polar event. I fast forward, and see Jones, put a fridge over himself, when a nuclear bomb goes off in the story. I copy and go out of the house and into our garden. I open our shed when our freezer is. Pick it up (it's heavy and throw out the shed door and in the grassed garden. I stand it up and with a hammer I smash the shelves out and chuck the plastic trays out (all containing food items) and proceed to lay in down and I go under. I am expecting a knock on the door from the agents, but this never happens. I wait 2 mins before lifting the freezer and head to the clinic for my appointment. I leave the house and start walking to the surgery. I wait in the reception room and then called in. The doctors I recognise as they are the same ones that had been visiting me at home. There are this time three doctors, spread out within the room. One on my left, one on my far left and one opposite me. I am in a state of panic. The main doctor says “P, you wife has called and is concerned about you. Can you tell me what is going on? What are you feeling?” I blag it and convince them that all is fine and that I am in complete control. I leave the surgery, having realised that I could have been sectioned again. 

One my way back, I pick up a sandwich from Gregg’s and make my way home. As I walk down the final street from my house, I see a house which some renovation is been conducted. I know this because I have seen the work men in and out for a while. There is new paper clipping on the windows on the ground floor which restrict the views into the house. I stop and have a read. In my head all the news clippings are about terrorism, wars, and conflicts. A light comes on in my head. This is another agent house and another test to overcome, without thinking; I have decided I need to get into this house by any means. I step back and start kicking the front door in. For about 10 mins, I smash the door at the bottom in, and this allows me to get into the premise. I walk upstairs and turn on the water taps and do the same in the kitchen. I break open the back door and walk out it to the garden. The next-door nei