I hope this post doesn't go against any rules. I'm not asking for a diagnosis!

Do you think it's possible to control BPD unknowingly until a lot of symptoms are gone? I think when I was a teenager I had a lot of typical BPD signs (I was extremely unstable, emotional, self-harmed, depressed). Then I had an awful (probably traumatic) experience and lost all of my friends, mostly due to my shitty behaviour. After that I was even more depressed but I started controlling myself a lot, got more withdrawn, I was terrified that I would fuck everything up again. Eventually, as I made other friends and got more confortable with them, I again started to lose my temper, get angry and too upset over stupid shit, but I was hyper aware of it and tried really hard to change. I kinda got better although not less depressed and anxious. At one of my subsequent lows I felt strongly that I was a monster, corrupted, like there was something intrinsically wrong with me that other people could sense (and smell, lol, I had mild delusions of smelling bad/limping/being cross-eyed). I've been in therapy now for around two and a half years and my therapist won't diagnose me with anything (I've asked, a lot. I'm not sure if she thinks it would be bad for me specifically or if she just doesn't believe that it's productive to diagnose people. This leads me to sometimes doubt there's anything wrong ergo fixable in me and to think I'm just wasting my time and hers selfishly and egotistically.) She does say that I repress my emotions a lot, which was strange for me at first because I feel like I feel EVERYTHING. Anyways, even though I turned into a person who at first appears "chill" and "calm" (lol) I still pretty much feel like that emotional, unstable, scared, self-loathing girl who is always on the verge of destroying everything. And I still act like that too, when I freak out about something, and then spiral and suddenly everything that seemed to go well is actually tragic and futile and doomed.

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I didn't mean to write all this, I guess I am looking to be understood a bit. Again, I'm not asking for a diagnosis, I hope this post is still ok and welcomed here. The question really is: do you think it possible for a person to unknowingly control/subdue their most obvious/outward symptoms? Can anyone relate?