I (M19) know not a lot of people will read this or even care about it, but I desperately need to get these thoughts out of my mind. Well, here I go:

My father and my mother divorced when I was 4 years old. They broke up because my mother cheated on him. My father raised me alone until I was 10. I still interacted with my mother because he believed regardless of what happened she was my mother and I should still see her. And never did either of them explained to me why they got divorced. My mother did not due to obvious reasons and my father because he never wanted me to resent her. I learned everything over the years from multiple people like my grandmother, aunt, uncle, etc. My father is a very caring person

he never once hit me, he never forced me to do things that I did not want, he did everything he could to raise me as a good person. When I was in first grade My father had a car accident and I stayed with My maternal Grandparents that year, my mother was not there. 

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After a year my father finally recovered and I went back to live with him. Throughout the years I had many babysitters due to my father being a single parent. My last babysitter was seemingly a good person. She took care of me, fed me, did everything she was supposed to do. But now I realize even though she is a good person at heart, she used me as a way for her to have a conformable life. She came from a very poor family. I don't remember much about that time, but she would always say bad things about my mother and it was very obvious she hated her. 

After a year and a half, we were about to change cities due to my father's work. When she learned about it, she would constantly say things to manipulate me: "I can't take care of you if you move, but if I were to marry your dad I could come with you!" or "My father wants me back home, If I marry your dad I can live with you 24/7". To clarify, she was like 35 and they did not have a relationship nor did my dad ever consider one. But she got the idea planted in me that I would constantly tell him that I did not want her gone, he should marry her and I loved her very much. I am aware I was an idiot child who ruined his father's life and forced him to marry a woman whom he did not love. (I should mention again that he married her due to her taking so good care of me and did not love her. And no I am not misinterpreting things because I was young and don't remember much.) 

They married when I was 10 and it was not even a wedding it was just the paper signing like a god damn contract. After that things were okay for a year or two. The difference was my dad and mom started getting together less and less. Don't get me wrong I know people who get divorced especially due to Infidelity tend to stay away from each other. However, they would not get together even for the important moments of my life. And the reason for that is due to my stepmother. Because she would constantly fight with my father for that. And eventually, he got tired of it and stopped interacting with her altogether. I still saw her a lot though.

Then my stepmother got pregnant. I love my sister and I never once hated her. But when since her birth, my stepmom started to get colder and colder towards me. To put it simply, when she got her own child, she started acting worse like a classic stepparent like in the movies. But I never told my father about it until 3 years ago because I didn't want what happened to me to happen to my sister. My father did everything he could like I said but having a broken family really leaves a hole in a person's heart. 

She treats her daughter differently than me. I get it, I really do. Because I never called her mom she doesn't treat me like a son. I always feel like a guest in my own house. When I talk to my dad she always jumps into the conversation. I can't even go out with him to talk about important things without having him argue with her. I always tried to be a good big brother. But due to my stepmom, she never respects me nor does she listen to anything I say. Whenever something important comes up, my stepmom always opposes me and forces my sister to listen to her. Due to this being the norm, my sister never listens to me now.

Due to my dad's work, we moved a lot. We changed cities 5 times when I was growing up, due to this I never made lasting friendships. I am a social person and I'm not an introvert, however, I always felt like I was putting up a mask in front of everyone, always acted confident, capable this thing continues to this very day. I had many friends, but because none of them were real I don't have a single one at the moment.

I always wanted to be a pilot and in my country, if you get a very high score in the university exam, you can go to government colleges and become one without paying, otherwise it is extremely expensive. When I was studying for the exam my stepmom would always say I could never become a pilot, I could never do it. She always did this for things I wanted and my dad always argued with her about things like this. And in the end, I couldn't do it, couldn't get the needed score. I still got into a college, but it wasn't a major I wanted. I'm in college right now and a second year. Then a pandemic happened and we had to stay at home.

I am 19 now I am trying to go to America to study there. But because of my country's economical situation, it is incredibly expensive. I am trying to get scholarships but it is hard too. I am waiting for my SAT score. Things are not looking good and I feel so trapped. I do not know what am I supposed to do and I feel extremely tired. 

I know people may think I am fortunate and I am ranting about nothing. But I left out a lot of things, otherwise, this would become a novel haha. I appreciate my dad more than anything and I know my life is not the worst. However, it does not mean it is easy. I don't have any friends, my future is looking bleak, I am in a household where everyone expects my father doesn't like me. I am not sitting there and doing anything. I am trying to do everything I can to have a better and good future where I can be proud of myself and my father can be proud of me. But I feel incredibly tired and I don't know If I can keep going on.

To whoever reads this, thank you for reading this extremely long ranting.