When I (f/21) was 9, I felt so out of place for some unknown reason. I felt like an alien amongst all the other kids. If it matters, I also had this experience of liking female classmates which was really strange to me back then.

The adults told me i'm just shy and encouraged me to talk to my classmates. Because of that, I had 2 or 3 "bffs" who used me for money or got kicked out of their cliques. I had sacrificed my well-being just to be able to say "I have friends" and please the adults. 

After those bogus friendships, I've had enough. I didn't want to waste all my energy on something I don't like. Adults, who I know was only trying to help me, didn't help me. All they did was made me feel like a weirdo for not wanting to have friends. My parents would say "i don't know what kind of person doesn't have friends" or "it's your fault you don't have friends, don't blame me". Teachers continued putting "shy" in my report cards. A teacher once brought up about school shooters when we were discussing about the issue after class.

12 years later, I feel the same. Feeling like I don't belong anywhere. Even the filthiest dumpsites. The difference is I feel way more trapped, lonelier and sadder than I ever was.

I lost my ability to feel. I can't laugh at people's jokes. I can't smile back at people smiling at me. I can't speak normal. I can't act normal. I'm way behind most people my age and am struggling.

I also have often doubted my ability to survive adulthood. I imagine killing myself because I don't see the point of living anymore when all I have been is a fucking coward my whole life.

Really sorry for the pessimism.