I want to take a muscle relaxer to help me sleep but I have just enough to k¡|l me when I finally decide the time is right. 
Im safe tonight but these thoughts are very real and very scary. 

I have a little boy (2½) who I love but he doesn't deserve me as a mother. I often have flashbacks to when he asked if I wanted to have an abortion but I was 19 and so scared. He was beginning to become abusive and I was afraid of what he would do to me. I continued on with my pregnancy feeling numb and in disbelief that this was my life. I was lucky to have gotten away but for so much to happen within 6 months I'm left traumatized. I got a restraining order against him for the first year I was free of him. 
I had my family's support but that wasn't enough. I really didn't want to have a kid with all the responsibilities. 
I was dealing with my depression, anxiety, anorexia and impulsive control. I couldn't feed myself and to this day if I wasn't in a commitment relationship where I have to make dinner ever night for my family I don't really think I'd eat. Flavor is temporary whereas the awful feeling of indulging has a more serious impact. 
I'm irritable, mopey, and I feel pretty distant from everyone and everything. I don't care about the outside world yet I'm petrified of it. I have the luxury to stay home with my son all the time thanks to my loving fiance. I think it's just made things worse for me. 
I often fantasize about what my life could have been if I wasn't so scared to have the abortion. Little did I know I'd be getting one done with the man I truly love. It eats me up. 
While I was pregnant I thought about adoption, but I felt like I would have been outcastes by my family for having done something like that. 
I didn't want kids. I don't like them. 
I sometimes wonder if I really have a loving connection towards my son. A mother is supposed to feel love for her child instantly right? And if not instant then at least after a little while.. 
I wanted to kill myself by the time I was 20. Im 23 now and I think about this often. I attempted several times as a teenager by swallowing handfuls of pills, just whatever I could get my hands on. I wish I didn't get scared and call my mom. I was so close. I passed out on the kitchen floor.. they wouldn't let me use the bathroom alone before they took me to the hospital, someone has to be there with me to keep me awake. I threw up multiple times being carried out of the house and to the ambulance. 
I don't remember much but being scared and embarrassed. They forced me to drink cherry flavored activated charcoal and yes it's as bad as it sounds. It's thick and gritty and the flavor is so far from cherries.
As a mother I can't continue with the behavior I was doing. I harmed myself hundreds of times my skin is so scared I don't remember what it use to look like before. I actually don't really even remember what I looked like growing up. I know there are a few photos and I honestly cringe every time I see them. I use to avoid mirrors as a child because my later al grandmother use to say awful things about me when she saw me looking at myself in her big beautiful mirrors. I learned to keep my head low and avoid my reflection. For years I would speed walk Infront of mirrors and windows to escape my own reflection. 
I still have issues with that honestly. I try my best not to really glance at myself much in the mirror. If I do, I try to comment one nice thing I like about myself. Today it's been my hair since I washed it and it's got soft natural waves. Most days I can't find anything nice to say.