Recently after ranting to online friends a lot (because they're the only people i honestly have) i feel like everything is my fault. I realized how fucked up I am. Everything has gone wrong. 

I've looked into mental illness after mental illness these last few days. Holy shit I've added like 5 more onto the list. Realized I'm a sociopath, and im a dick to everyone around me not because they're rude first but because im a bitch. I'm the problem. I'm the one ruining the party, I'm the one who's starting the arguments with a bullshit point. 

I'm too sensitive, I'm too manipulative, im too stressed and I'm failing two classes. Im so argumentive. I started cutting. I don't know what else to do, and it made me feel like something. I don't care about life anymore. I'm too fucked up to fix it. Nothing gives me any form of hope anymore and I've been looking into ways to die right on the spot with a small amount of pain. I'm sick of life. And no, it won't get better in 20-30 years, by then I'll be swimming in debt because america sucks ass and the healthcare system is bullshit.

People have tried to help me, but I've given up. I know they want to help and I know they care, but I don't. I don't have any hope for future. 

It's all fucked up and I don't know what to do. I cant get help. It all basically came out of the blue, do why the fuck would anyone believe me? I feel so invalidated because every time I bring it up to any friend I have they are like "omg we can do it together!!". I don't want them to die, I want them to live their best life. I'm a burden. People would be sad for a week and move on with life. 

I can't do this anymore. I'm fucking sick of it and I can't deal with it anymore. If it doesn't improve by April then I'll start making a plan to kill myself. I'm up to here with it. I just want to see people happy, but that's impossible when I am the way I am. I probably don't make any sense. But that's ok. I don't need to. 

All I really needed was just a shoulder to cry on, but I can't even get that.