TL;DR: pwuBPD (48, M) in a splitting/devaluing/discard phase. Is there anything I (43, F) can do to influence a positive outcome?
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Some history will help put my question(s) in context. 

It's apparent to anyone who knows and loves him that he has loud BPD. However, when he's gone to see therapists, he misrepresents himself, basically lying to manipulate the outcome. He admits he lied to get an Adderall prescription. He is on Wellbutrin for depression, impulsivity, anger management. 

He's familiar with BPD, and had previously admitted, during a rare moment of self assessment, that it fits him to a tee. Although he now avoids this level of awareness at all costs.

Two years ago when things came to a head (yet, again), he admitted to his circle and a therapist that he has sexual addiction, which constantly put our relationship in jeopardy. He got permission from his job to attend counseling every Thursday... Only, he used that time each week to screw off, and did NOT attend counseling. He has been to 3 sessions, total.

Needless to say, he struggles to take responsibility for this disorder, his actions and overreactions. Once the door is open to acknowledge that he is the cause of the devastation in his own life, and in our relationship, he buckles under the weight of the guilt and shame. Therefore, he is committed to keeping that door closed at all times, which makes him seem like a tyrant.

We've had a volatile relationship for nearly 4 years. Our problems started about 5 months in. Looking back, it's easy to recognize the signs and triggers, but I was caught off guard back then.

We'd just started co-habitating. He was sick with a head cold, so after work, about 6 pm, he took NyQuil, and went to sleep. I had plans with a girlfriend that evening, so I gently woke him up to let him know I'd be at her place, and if it got too late, or we got too tipsy, I'd probably just crash there for the night.

He went from sleep to instantly enraged. Jumped up, attacked me verbally, called me all sorts of demeaning names, demanded I GTFO his home, and systematically put all of my belongings outside on the porch. I was absolutely stunned.

This same girl friend came to my rescue, helped me load up my belongings, and let me stay with her. While loading up her vehicle, he couldn't stop himself from continued insults and attacks. On her, too!

And this was my induction to living and loving someone with BPD. Needless to say, this episode began a negative spiral between him and my circle of friends. Naturally, my friends were appalled that he'd be so ruthless, mean, and hateful.

They also don't understand why I've continued to try to find equilibrium with him. All these years later, and I question this myself.

Things don't get better. Not for very long anyway. I'm always walking on eggshells so as not to poke the dragon. I have a list of things I know set him off, but I also never know what will trigger these insanely hateful reactions.

For my part, I've been researching BPD, mostly to understand the mechanisms at play... For relief from internalizing all the hate he spews at me, and admittedly for hope that it can ever get better.

We have had amazing glimpses of what life could be like. These serve as a dangling carrot for me. I show up as a hopeful, loyal, supportive, forgiving partner. I bear many scars from the personal attacks, upheaval of my life, and betrayals.

There's no doubt I love him, wholeheartedly. I view this as something that could be improved if he'd address it... If he'd allow US to address it. I know there are treatment options, and I believe it's possible to find a measure of stability and happiness.

It could be naive and wishful thinking.

As of right now, there's no hope for anything. He's in a phase where he absolutely detests me. In his mind, I am lower than yesterday's garbage. There is no warmth or affection for me... Only hatred.

When he switches like this, his soft eyes become cold, black rocks. There's no light in them. He cannot see me as his FP, as a sentient being. I lose all value, and must be annihilated. 

And he knows me intimately, so he has all the ammunition to destroy my self esteem. I struggle with this, more than I want to admit. It's devastating when someone who "loves" you is hell-bent on your demise.

Nothing is off limits while he's raging. Anything that has ever irritated him... Free game. My personal insecurities... Free game. He tells me I'm a terrible mother, a worthless human being, I'm ugly, fat, smelly, unattractive, a loser, a mooch... I'm a terrible partner, a hypocrite, a fake. 

What sets this off can range from seeing a single spoon left overnight in a clean kitchen sink, to me questioning why he's late, to me having more perceived success (everything is a competition to him).

He used to apologize. He used to get so sick to his stomach that he'd start vomiting when he realized how his overreaction had hurt me.

Those days are gone.

Now, we're existing in a never ending cycle. He gets upset, overreacts, kicks me out of his life, then, he'll reach back out... check to see if I'm still upset, if I'm gonna require him to talk, etc. He approaches me as though nothing is wrong. When I respond positively, picking up like that episode never happened, then he wants to spend time with me...

Only, then, he instantly reverts back to the illusion that we're a happy, solid couple.

But, we're not.

Because he sabotages himself and our relationship during these episodes. He'll go look for casual sex... Disassociate and get lost in his addictions. 

Often, he prolongs the mending of the fences, in order to carry on a bit longer with his exploits.

He's always running the show, driving the bus. I can comply and if I don't push him to talk about any real issues, then we're "fine". Then, he reverts to the happy couple state. He'll make plans as though we're a full fledged couple. He'll buy gifts that indicate we're serious.

And it fucks with my head and heart.

So, for the past 8 months, I've been observing more. Internalizing less. I've watched the triggers set him off, watched him spin through his cycle. I've watched myself choose to be emotionally invested at times, as well as stoic in others.

Every few weeks, he's had an outburst where he kicked me out of his life, ignored me for days on end, ordered me to move on, set out to prove he'll be so much happier without me... Even demands I get on with my life and find someone else.

I've been more prepared during this season. We used to live together. 8 months ago, I got my own place, my sanctuary. I've gotten better at self-soothing, at predicting his cycles.

Last summer, I even made it so far as to start dating a decent guy. My upwBPD flipped out when he realized I wasn't sitting at home crying over him. Initially, he attacked me... Then quickly begged me to reconsider... He'll do anything, everything, just give him a chance.

I was cool about it. I told him I have waited a very long time for him to say those things to me, but I can't count on them to still be true later today, tomorrow, or next week. So, I told him I wouldn't shut the door, but I also needed to see some evidence, over time, that he's serious.

Well, of course, it's just a re-run of all the stupid cycles since then. For example, actively hating me for the two weeks leading up to Christmas, then giving me an outlandish and overly expensive gift, expecting me to drop everything to spend New Year's Eve together.

This has continued. The first part of March this year, during a time of peace and "happy", I pushed him to have conversations about what it would take to be in a solid, committed relationship. he kept trying to avoid it, because he was at work, because he just got home from work, because it was the weekend, because he was tired... I finally called him out on that, saying there is never a good time to talk about us. If we're going to be a happy solid a couple, we have to have the conversations that establish the guidelines that will protect that.

Initially, he responded that he would love to dedicate some time to having those conversations. But, within 10 minutes, he rescinded, and discarded me. Again.

It always hurts me, but I've started detaching. After this episode in March, I was able to start talking to some other men, consider dating. I have pushed myself to be more sociable, rather than sit at home waiting for him to recover enough to be kind to me again.

This last weekend, he asked if he could sleep at my place. I panicked a little. He hadn't been here since the first of September last year. (We've spent all our time at his place.)

It was awkward to have him here on Friday night. It was a bold move, requiring courage on both our parts... He hated being here. Hated seeing the life I've been creating without him, hated the reminders that we used to be so close... Hated seeing artwork I had displayed when we lived together, etc.

I felt him critically judging everything. Again, in competition.

And, yes, he did have an outburst via text on Saturday afternoon, out of the blue. Made lots of ridiculous and outrageous statements... Pushing me away, wishing me luck, acting jealous it looks nice, that I'm still up for entertaining, etc.

Well, the part of me who has been researching BPD saw this outburst for what it was - it hurt him to see my pretty home, that I'm set up for company and being social. He suddenly realized that if there hasn't been, there will be fun times happening here that he'll miss out on.

So, I ignored all his mean comments. I ignored his outburst entirely this time. I told him that I had been looking forward to spending time with him, and I would love to come over and lay by him.

No extra drama or emotion from my side. Affirming that I love him and want to spend time with him. And an unspoken offer to skip over the immature outburst.

He responded well. Invited me over. So, we spent Saturday night together. Not talking about anything, just enjoying being near each other.

We hung out together on Sunday. We actually came back to my place. I was expecting company, so the four of us visited. We had a great time! there was much laughter, there was telling of cute and fun stories from the beginning of our relationship. I was a little bit conflicted, because the energy between us conveyed to my friends that we're madly in love, while I know the truth of our situation - he hasn't wanted to be in a full-fledged relationship with me since last August, and at any given moment he could flip flop into hating me.

I couldn't even begin to tell a normal person about the complete 180 he does... About the cold black eyes that hate me... How Jekyll/Hyde he is. My friends who were here were completely mesmerized by the synergy between us and how well-suited we are for each other.

Well, here's where the story takes another turn. As the four of us are getting ready to go sit in the hot tub, he goes through my entire phone. Where he does find conversations between me and a couple of other guys. There's no smoking gun, but, in his mind, this gets blown into catastrophic proportion.

He tells me that he's gone through my phone. I don't blink an eye, I didn't delete anything, and I have nothing to be ashamed of, which I tell him... Like, hey, if you're always telling me that you don't want me, and you want me to go find someone else, and you're super convincing, why are you surprised that I'm actually trying to make some of those efforts? 

I tried to use logic with him. Like, hey, did you find any text that indicate I'm madly in love with somebody else? That I'm making any kind of plans? 

I tried explaining that what he really found is proof that there's nobody on my radar, and I still would prefer to work things out with him.

But, alas... Since Sunday evening, I am a whore (and all of the terrible things he has called me and said to me, repeatedly). We've had a little bit of communication, with 90% of that being demeaning comments from him.

Yesterday I sent him an email with my explanation, a reminder of how much I love him and that I've never wavered in that. He did respond, but not to anything I said. He responded so he could continue spewing hate at me.

But, in his responses, I found that he has created an alternate version of events. For example, he stated that the reason he didn't feel comfortable in my place is because I was entertaining other dudes.. Yes, I cleaned up that language quite a bit. (He was super vulgar about it.) He accused me of engaging with specific men, and I was able to say to him... "Uh, I have never so much as kissed that person on the cheek nor does he have any idea where I live."

I told him that since he's been wrong on so many of the details, that maybe his assumptions aren't right either. I asked if I could have the opportunity to explain anything that he thought he found, especially since I didn't feel there was anything scandalous, that he was escalating what he found into a false narrative.

Well, no, he has no interest in resolving this. He actually wants to be upset about his imagined version of things.

Of course, I tried to explain to him that if you tell someone for eight months straight that you don't want to be in a relationship with them, you don't really have the right to be upset if they start taking steps away from you.

I clearly lined out that he's overly upset about details he's imagined, that it's disingenuous to be mad at me, considering his outburst on Saturday including repeated statements he made that "We're not in a relationship, I don't report to you, You don't report to me". 

I did let him know that if he did want to be in relationship with me, and that's why his feelings are hurt, then I could understand that, but he should have told me. I reassured him that I have no interest in talking to anyone at all, I really just want to be happy with him. and, if given the chance, there would never be a question, just like there never has been because I'm so freaking loyal.

I tried to present logic as well as draw on our history, including how steady and true I have always been.

I didn't even get to make the point that it's rude to go through someone's phone anyway.

But, we're only on day four of this. And, I don't know if I've seen him this angry in a while. I can tell when he's hurting by the way he attacks me... He lashes out to destroy my self esteem completely. 

I'm not sure what to do.

There is no doubt that I love him, I know what I want, I know what I wish for. I think it's possible, but I'm losing hope it would ever happen, because it's reliant upon him taking responsibility for this disorder. I sincerely don't see that happening.

I've entertained the thought that I could be a strong enough person to weather the storms, the attacks, and enjoy our happy times while we have them...

But, I'm also starting to think that allowing him to treat me poorly is a toxic cycle I must escape.

And if that is true, then right now, while he absolutely hates me, can see no redeeming value in me as a human being oh, maybe this is as good a time as any to cut all ties between us. He does keep telling me he never wants to hear from me again.

but, he also keeps threatening that he's going to delete every picture that was ever taken of the two of us, and because we have shared albums on Google photos, I can see he hasn't done that.

I don't know how to find my way through this with confidence. 

I'm looking for insight into what it's like to be the person who has BPD. If it were you, what would you want from me? Is it best for me to just leave him alone until his anger passes?

Is there really anything I could do or say to influence a positive outcome?

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?