I was selfishly brought into the world. 

My parents should’ve stopped at my sister.  They had her because my mom had a one night stand with my dad and then she got knocked up and my dad wanted to start a family and that decision was fueled by his thirst for status.  

All he really cared about was his wife, his 2 blue eyed kids, his cars and his house in his nice neighbourhood.  He acted so fucking fake when his family came to visit, he turned into super dad. 

They weren’t ready to be parents, especially since my dad never got help for his mental health state.  

He tried so hard to put us off as a picture perfect family when he was blind to the fact that we were incredibly dysfunctional.  

This man physically abused me (only me) and gaslit my family for most of my developmental years (my mom never did anything about it cause she was terrified of him too) and each time, his apology was opening my door the next day chucking a mars bar on my bed and never speaking of it and if I ever tried to bring it up he would deny it and try to tell me I was insane.  

I got into trouble a lot when I was in elementary.  I still sometimes don’t understand why I acted the way I did but it must’ve had something to do with my home life. 

My mother was always always ALWAYS forgiving.  She would know that children make silly mistakes all the time and she would never ridicule me for it or make me feel awful. 

My dad on the other hand, would always yell at my mother to do something about my behaviour. He would be like “what the fuck is wrong with your son?.” 

Most times I got in trouble at school my mom kept it secret from my father cause she couldn’t deal with his aggression. 

I’ve never once seen my mom and dad be close or romantic in any way.  They hardly really spoke to each other.  

Growing up he would constantly blab homophobic remarks so when I was actually gay he got upset at me that I didn’t come out.  

He was also embarrassed to have a gay son, he was embarrassed at what his family would think.  His family actually didn’t care. 

When I was 13 I began self harming.  Somebody at school saw my cuts and told my vice principal. 

My vice principal set me up with a counsellor. Before my first session my father told me “make sure you tell the therapist that everything at home is fine”. I did exactly that because I didn’t want to deal with his aggression.

When I was 15 I began to develop severe mental health and substance use problems and I was in and out of the psych ward due to suicide attempts and drug overdoses. 

All of a sudden to him I was now a rotten delinquent child and in December 2016 he kicked me out of the house.  He gave up on me in the snap of a finger.  He was done with me.  He told my mother to bring me to a shelter. 

At the youth shelter I intentionally overdosed to kill myself and I ended up in the emergency room and eventually back in the psych ward. 

My mom, my sister and I moved away from him. 

During my the family therapy sessions in the psych ward I mentioned I was abused and my father said absolutely nothing. 

During the last family therapy session at wood’s homes he had one last chance to own up to his behaviour,  and he said “well he’s nearly 16 now, he’s basically an adult he doesn’t really need me anymore.   

Im 18 now. I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  I kind of don’t know what to do with my life or who I want to become.  I don’t know who I am other than bad mental health problems.  I’m uncomfortable all the time, I’m angry, I can’t regulate myself and I can’t function in the way that I want to. 

Everything is fucking difficult.  I’m on a wait list for DBT and it’s so long away.  

I just graduated high school after my 4th year cause all of that stuff when I was 15 made me fail grade 10.  

I need to find a job and I can’t even job search without wanting to kill myself.  

My boyfriend still doesn’t understand why I can’t function like him and it’s frustrating.  I split on him a lot and I just feel like a horrible boyfriend all the time. 

I was angry at my dad for a long time, but recently I gave up.  I thought maybe letting go of that hatred would improve my mental health but no, I’m still the exact same.  

I talked to my dad recently and he’s told me he doesn’t care what he’s done to me. He said he sacrificed his marriage and his family to make me happy.  He says it wasn’t fair for me to paint him as a horrible monster because he never drank or did drugs or sexually abused anyone.  

I’m not one to just blatantly blame my problems on anyone else but, it’s nice knowing that he did this to me and he doesn’t give a shit :)

He said it could’ve been much worse and that he was a good father just because he stuck around.

Fuck.  Honestly at this point I’m just waiting for life to be over, I’ve had enough.  I don’t know how to change myself.  I unintentionally carry everything with me and I don’t know how to drop it and walk away.  

Anyways sorry if this was too long.  I don’t think a tl;dr is necessary cause I don’t know how to shorten this other than ‘my dad abused me and fucked up my personality forever’