I'm only 19 years old, I feel like i struggled with depression my whole life but I only realized it a while ago when the quarantine started. i've always been a very quiet and lonely kid, i've spent most of my life inside my house playing videogames or in the Internet. I always had a very low self esteem in terms of thinking I'm ugly and noone can be attracted to, not only because of my looks, a lot of people told me that I'm good looking or at least "decent looking" but I dont feel like that, I have a sunken chest, its not that bad it doesnt affect my health but I dont like how it looks so i never take my shirt off, even my best friends dont know that, besides i feel like a boring person, dont really talk much and sometimes it feels like people dont want to hang out with me because of that, everytime I'm with a friend there has to be someone else that draws attention of me.

The worst part is that i feel like i don't deserve being depressed, i've always had an easy life, never really had to worry that much about anything, when i was 2 or 3 years old my fathers divorced and left home with my mother, that was probably the only time in my life where we had money issues, my mom worked a lot and did everything so we could live as best as possible and i Will forever be grateful with her for those things, but She was working most of the time and i was left alone in my house or when i was younger someone would come to take care of me for a while. I started living with my father when i turned 13 mostly for convenience, he lived just a few blocks away from my school and i had my playstation there, he's always been relatively wealthy but he never really cared about being a good father, he provided to the house but he never taught me anything, never asked me how i felt and i feel like he's always being ashamed of who i am, everytime we have discussions he says so many bad things to me, making me feel ashamed like I'm not good enough for him. I don't have a job and i dont want to work but I have to if i want to get money and live alone and that fucks me up, it's like im just not made for living and i dont know what to do, i've been thinking lately of ending it all, I know I'm weak. my dream is to have a rock band and live with my music but I don't know if I'm good enough for that. I just feel lost.