Hey! very sorry if this isn't quite the right place for this. I don't even post on reddit much, but I'm very concerned about doing the right thing in this situation and I need to hear some opinions on the matter. TW for drug use and brief mentions of abuse in this post.

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So last summer I get into a long-distance thing with somebody. Big deal for me, I just have not been into anyone for years even when I tried, and then I stumbled into somebody that's like basically from my dreams. Started as just flirting, them saying they're not really ready for something, quickly they were calling me all the time "just to hear \[my\] voice". After a few months we were saying "I love you" all the time, I was writing them these love letters and stuff, it was really sweet. Things were always a little rocky. They'd never tell me what we were, never commit, they'd ignore texts when I tried to have conversations about "us" stuff, trying to define our relationship. They'd tend to kinda go radio silent for a few days every once in a while and then come back to me. At least once I know they got drunk and hooked up with somebody, which we never really talked about. We made a couple plans to spend time together, but for one reason or another it fell through.

For over six months now it sounds like they've had crisis after crisis happen in their family and in their life, and it sounds like with each concurrent thing, they get more and more distant with me. They're tough to get a hold of in December, and I barely talk with them in January. Early on in January, when I say I miss them and just want time with them for my birthday, they tell me "I'm sorry I'm so bleh" and end up not doing anything for my birthday. Then, right at the end of January, I found out they had been emotionally mixed up with their abusive ex, going back into December, and I'd been hearing them complain about this guy trying to rope them back in for a while before that but was reassured that I had nothing to worry about. They had pushed me away in January, saying affection and compliments were really hard for them at the time, but then I found out about their ex when they complained to me about him making them feel crazy and calling them "manipulative" for asking for compliments.

After hearing about that, I tell them I'm here to support them out of the abuse, but I'm really hurt, that I felt led on and used and pretty heartbroken, and that I'd need to take some space. I give them some resources on abuse and pull away for like a week. I miss them and reach out after about a week, day before valentine's. They're back to sending me a bunch of selfies and texting me like they did before they pulled away, even kind of fishing for complements and stuff. They text me and say me they love me that night and I'm not really sure what to make of it at the time. They're still hard to get a hold of, not talking to me much, but they keep calling me once a week either drunk or high and tell me they love me. But then a couple times when they're sober, too. Last time they called me was a month ago, and they called me at 5:00AM after being out with friends all night, just because they "thought they should talk to me," but then they go silent on me for a week and tell me they shut off their notifications. After about 6 or 7 weeks of this happening, I ask them what they mean, because I'm really confused and it's kinda breaking my heart and triggering a lot of old shit for me. They haven't really answered it, the most I got was "I wish I knew what my deal was." Eventually, at behest of my friends and therapist, I spell it out and basically say this can't keep happening and if we can't figure this out, I'm gonna have to step away from this relationship. They ignore it, then tell me they're really swamped, they're taking care of friends whose lives are falling apart, and can't "handle other people's emotional baggage right now." In the 3 or so weeks since, they've gone almost totally silent. They tell me they have a lot going on, periodically say "sorry for not getting to you," but they won't talk much at all. I've asked them to even just tell me if they want me to stay, give me anything to work with, but I can't even get them to tell me that I matter to them.

I just sorta realized what they're doing is stonewalling, probably as a defensive thing. We haven't even talked about how they hurt me with their ex. On top of that, they've had some medical emergencies happen that they refuse to talk about, to anyone, they have family tragedies going on too, and their ex spent most of feb and march harassing them. They're currently saying things like "nobody is taking care of me, and it's my fault for not talking about it" and ignoring me when I tell them "I'm here and want to take care of you." They just lost another family member that they were close to and won't talk about it. They used to be very close with me, very open about everything going on with their family, their work, everything. They were even really emotionally present and I could tell how hard they were trying to be open with me, to talk about what's difficult for them and make real efforts to do things that weren't easy for them in order to make me feel better. But now they won't even tell me about their day. They're ignoring me when I'm trying to talk to them about stuff we both like, let alone when I try to talk about what I'm up to. They'll send me, like, one text, and that's if they even respond at all. They seem like they're getting annoyed with me reaching out and trying to check in on them, which I've been doing once every couple days lately, and I can get if it would be annoying, but I keep telling them straight up that I'll cool it if they tell me to and they haven't yet. They know I can be bad at reading nonverbal stuff like that from a combination of ASD and surviving really brutal gaslighting. They're definitely a very direct person with other people, too, it's something I really admire about them, which is why all this is just so confusing to me. My natural inclination is to just stick around, but that's gotten me hurt bad in the past, and my friends and therapists are all telling me to walk away, which is just making this all so much more frustrating and confusing.

My read on the situation is that they're not sure how they feel about me now, maybe they're splitting from stress, and they're pushing people away from all the stress they're under. I've had partners with BPD in the past and I understand some of the stuff about it. But, I recently saw them post a story on social media about what sounds like splitting on somebody they were dating for like 3 months and just ghosting them, so like I'm worried about that for my sake. I've also noticed that they tended to pull away when I made big statements of love to them, which they've said can be difficult for them. I almost wonder if this is some kind of self-sabotage thing where they got freaked out by being in what was basically a good relationship for maybe the first time. It also felt like for a while, they were keeping me at a very measured distance. Like I'd be a little more distant and say "I'm hurt by this" and they'd be more talkative, more friendly, sweeter on me to kinda pull me back in, but not let me in too close.

I'm in a very confused position of balancing concern for myself (for basically the first time), and concern for them pushing everyone away and suffering through this stuff alone. Especially when I've seen them talk more about doing harder drugs over the past couple months. A while ago they video-called me for two hours and mentioned everyone in their family has a bad predisposition for addiction while doing lines of coke in front of me which is obviously concerning. And they're going out a lot, partying a lot, and they drink a ton. 

I care about them a lot. I was definitely in love with them and I think I still am. I just really want to hear what anyone thinks about this whole situation. What I should do different, what anyone thinks they're going through, what I might not understand. Anything, really.

There's a lot more I could say about it but I'll just post this as is. Will gladly answer any questions about any of this to give a better idea of what's up. Thanks for any help.