TW: hospital, doctors, death, BM's. I've always been anxious, socially mostly, but also about death. I was never particularly health anxious until recently. Back in March shit really hit the fan for my little family when my boyfriend's chronic condition spiraled out of control. His pancreas is deformed and it ended up fucking up his gallbladder, kidney and liver. He was transferred to a hospital out of the city and he was our primary worker as we have two school age children and neither of us feel safe sending them in person. I was lost and scared and I had no idea what the right choice was. I ended up deciding to move my kids and I out of our home and into an extended hotel for the time. My boyfriend was in and out of critical condition from March until late July. He came to our hotel with a feeding tube and a home nurse who I thought would come several times a week, but she only came once to teach me how to do everything. At first things were going fine but money became a problem and we couldn't afford the place we'd been at for months. We found a cheaper place, it was full of roaches and other unmentionables that our kids weren't safe around. We borrowed money from everyone who could possibly give it and found an Airbnb for cheaper than the price of a rental in the area, we got it for two months and things seemed okay. My partners health was looking up and he had so many doctors who could care for him. But I was losing my mind, it was so much stress, and work, and I just didn't let myself feel it until I felt it all I guess. I was drinking heavily and smoking heavily and one night I woke up with a pain in my left shoulder, this pain migrated chestward and it's still kicking now almost two months later. I've had two colds since then and the last one is just now subsiding. I went to the ER for my shoulder and chest pain but they only ran an ECG and sent me home. At this point I was doing as much gig work as possible to keep us a float but I couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. I'm too scared I'll have a heart attack in the car driving. I haven't eaten more than 900 calories in a day since and my sodium content is as close to none as possible now. I quit drinking, quit smoking, literally anything I could think of to make my heart better, I did, but it still hurts. I'm so afraid that I don't sleep unless someone is awake to watch me and make sure I'm not dying. Down to about four hours a night. I want to go to the doctor so bad but I can't afford to see anyone available now and so my appointment isn't until almost a month away. I got into a psychiatrist much quicker though and he prescribed me Sertraline. I've taken three doses now and my forth will be tomorrow, but I can't shake this feeling that I might be dying. I feel like everyone's ignoring me, despite the fact that I've never done this before, as in had my anxiety manifest itself in physical pains that weren't just a slightly sore jaw from clenching or shaking. I made a mistake and googled too hard. I deleted it yesterday because I wasn't okay anymore and now I can't decide if I'm actually hurt or just looked at so many heart attack and heart failure symptoms that my brain is just doing this. I'm just here to vent but Incase I get better or you know, less likely, keel over while eating my oatmeal I want to list what's currently happening. Maybe you'll have the same thing and I can at least feel a little less crazy.

2 months of chest pain
2 months of left shoulder pain
2 months of left armpit pain
1.5 months of terrible heartburn and constant belching
5 days of extreme IBS. (Yucky but I'm talking the second I swallow I'm in the bathroom with yellow water coming from behind me)
2 months of slightly blurred vision
2 months of head rushes
2 weeks of left elbow pain
2 weeks of lowest left rib pain
1 month of toothache like jaw pain


I caught a crazy pain in my side just as I was exhausted enough to try and sleep so now I'm up again for the night, please humor me, and help me find my way out of my darkest moments. I'm just so scared.