I feel as though my life as I've known it has completely ended. I've always struggled making friends but had a few close relationships that meant a lot to me. Over recent months as I have finished college, my friends have moved away or, gotten busy with work. I am really happy for them that they're doing well. One of my closest friends said she was busy and so for months we werent seeing each other as much. But three months ago said shes actually been trying to cut me out of her life because she thinks we're different people. I can't describe how much it has fucked me up as I trusted that girl more than anyone and now I'm waiting for everyone to walk out of my life. At the same time, my family fell apart as my mum filed for divorce. I have a terrible relationship with her because of her drinking but try my best because she is so sick and who knows how long she will be around. I worry about it constantly. And last week my boyfriend and i broke up. We'd been together a year and a half and I love him but there were issues in the relationship and I never felt seen. 

In this same time period I have started an intensive masters and moved house. 
My life as I have known it is absolutely over and I don't recognise who I am or my life at all really. I feel like I've woken up in someone else's reality and I feel no connection with what is going on around me. 
I've felt like this for months and I am incredibly lonely. 

Last week with the breakup was almost a final straw. My life was over and I initially felt excited about this fact, trying to convince myself it was a great time to start again. 

But now heading into another lockdown with no confidence and very weak friendships, I am at a loss. 
I just don't want to be here and I feel numb. 

There are things that I want to do. I want to have a home and a dog and make art all the time. But I have no money and those things feel impossible. I hate the world and I hate myself. I feel that I don't have the energy to make new friends, start new hobbies learn new skills. I can see things to live for but I don't know how to get there. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't see what I have to live for.

I'm really not trying to wallow in feeling any particular way and like I said, I'm trying to convince myself that it can be exciting and everything is going to be okay because I'm terrified of the alternative. But I feel like someone has poured cement into my veins. I can't do this.