Hi guys,

I thought about posting here a lot recently, and I actually concluded not post here since its engaging my checking behaviour but right now my anxiety level is just so high that I don't know how to regulate. I hope that I don't take up your time unnecessarily.

Within the last three months I developed the fear of going schizophrenic after a break up with someone who was really important to me. I experienced a range of symptoms, may it be a hand full of panic attacks, restlessness, nervousness, issues regarding sleeping (I was afraid of going to sleep), difficulties with thinking (poverty of thought, sometimes thoughts that are like free associations, like some random imagines pop up in my head or when I close my eyes its like a movie (but the last two only occur when I am really tired and close my eyes, so its probably hypnagogy) and sometimes my thoughts are so loud I can almost hear them (most of the time in the evening when I am tired), right now my thoughts are like a word salad or I say something and my thoughts twist the words I said up but I still can articulate myself perfectly), I also have brief "delusional" thoughts (that I live in a simulation, its not that I believe it but the thought makes me so unbelievably uncomfortable bc thinking that makes me think I am going to be schizophrenic + when I read about the experience of ppl with schizophrenia, my brain picks up their delusions, but not as a delusion but as a intrusive thought, like a "what if this would be true../ what if you would believe that..."), I am also really paying attention to things I say, seems as if my focus shifted to speech disorder, rarely I also have the feeling of "suspicion" that my friends don't tell me I am crazy, also the feelings of derealisation but these feelings decreased. A good indicator maybe is that my anxiety shifted to the fear of dying (and other things) when I caught some relatively serious infection, not fatal but it messes a lot with your body (there was also a study that the virus I had can higher the risk of schizophrenia (Epstein Barr Virus), sure its just one study but this still makes me a bit afraid). I also have misperceptions, so that I think that I saw someone walking in the corner of my eye, even though there wasn't anyone but since I looked this up on Google, this can be linked to anxiety.  I have memory issues, but they're only small, I can remember most of the things but since I am hyperfocusing it seems HUGE. Lastly, it seems that my anxiety switches the focus between the different symptoms of schizophrenia, one day its derealisation and the other day its delusion.

I also have to say that my anxiety of getting schizophrenia is so immense since I want to become a psychotherapist and in Germany, before you can work as a therapist, a doctor has to examine you if you're healthy enough, and having a schizophrenia diagnosis in your record probably prevents you from practising psychotherapy even though you were able to get "healthy" again.

As I type this, I can read pure anxiety but at the same time I think "What if you frame it like that and people will never know that you're schizophrenic since you hide it." And I even question myself if it makes sense what I am saying.

I am already seeing a psychotherapist and consulted a few before finding my current psychotherapist (3 professionals saw me) and til now I got two diagnoses: adjustment disorder and phobic disorder. My therapist and me are still getting to know each other so I still don't know her diagnosis for me. The issue right now is that she's on vacation for 3 weeks and I don't know how to handle it. I try to distract myself but my anxiety is just so strong right now (btw it switches throughout the day), but since my friends are away this week I can't even distract myself with my friends. I also contacted a Early Diagnosis Centre for schizophrenia and they interviewed me and said that it does not sound like a schizophrenic prodrome, but the interviewer said that I should call again if my symptoms change.

I think you could now question: What does this person want to hear? I don't know. I have some understanding how my mind works, since I study psychology. I am also afraid of posting because what if someone says: this could be schizophrenia. I just feel so helpless and I start to hate myself for my thoughts and anxiety.

Edit: I saved this post in my drafts to wait and see, and today (so one day after writing this post) I can say that the thought of living in a simulation became way stronger and it feels true. I can also sense some self destructive thoughts, like harming myself to see if I am real but I am just so afraid right now because having a delusional thought and feeling that its true is exactly what I was afraid of. This made me think that I am maybe experiencing a borderline state right now, so no actual schizophrenia but on the edge of psychosis. I already made an appointment with a therapist next Tuesday and I hope that I can wait til then. Anyway, I could also observe that when I am around people that I feel good and get distracted, it just makes me feel safe. For more context this week is a bit messed up since my closest friends are on vacation right now and I feel some sort of abandoned, I have no one who can really distract me, except one friend but he is also kinda busy since he just entered a relationship. As I type this I can feel a bit relief which is good but I can also feel some sort of self hate because I developed concerning symptoms. I am just so afraid.

Anyway, thank you for everyone who reads this post and maybe can help me out about my fears and the stuff I currently experience.