First of all, you didn’t deserve any of my cruel words or anger in any way, no matter what. You’re an incredibly strong, thoughtful, and independent person who I think so highly of as an individual, and I’m so sorry that I never let those feelings shine through truly to raise you up to the person I think you are. You have so many amazing qualities and characteristics, but unfortunately they are so incompatible with my own fragilities and insecurities too, especially at the time. 

I know I did so much wrong that I can’t make up for - I have no excuses and I know that. Mental health issues do not make it okay to say some of the things I said and act the way I did at times. I was misguided. Hurt. Struggling to make sense of a relationship I never planned for and a rollercoaster of emotions regarding sexual independence, love, and commitment. I simply didn’t have the tools to deal with some the initial issues in our relationship and I knew back then I should have just walked away. I just wanted to believe I had changed too and that I was open minded and strong enough to deal with them and that I wouldn’t let another potential romance be ruined by my own mind again. Then you told me you loved me… then I moved in… the pandemic… and the wheels were just in motion yet the engine was still fucked. There was no support from anywhere for either of us. No friends or family. Just me and you every single day for a year. Looking back it’s like the entire year is a haze - I barely remember what we did day to day. It feels like I was living with blinkers on with no sense of what was around me or even normal behaviour anymore.

When I look back, I felt so in control of the power dynamic in our relationship at first. I felt confident and assured and when I found out about the [Past partner] stuff it just totally melted everything back. All sexual confidence I’d built through the years was shattered when confronted with your sexual history. It made me feel so weak. So Insecure. So pathetic. I remember thinking, “fuck I will never be okay with this” but I read so much constant reinforcement how it’s not acceptable to judge a girls sexual history, to make assumptions about her value as a partner based on things like this. I just wanted to be progressive and open minded and not make YOU feel like there was something wrong with you but I should have known myself better because it was clearly an issue I’d never truly be able to move past. I felt so trapped. I knew I couldn’t cope with these emotions but I had committed to you. We said we loved each other. I never thought I’d find someone again who actually loved me so I clung on for dear life, despite all the pain it was bringing too. 

This just very quickly turned into resentment towards you. My mind is so warped sometimes I would sit there and think like, “Well most relationships end in misery so this is just part of the experience right?”. I began to plan for a miserable future together. Wondered if I would have to cheat on you in the future to find the love and fulfilment I felt I needed so bad. If you would cheat on me because our relationship sucked and I wasn’t giving you any sexual attention, because I was so depressed and unconfident in myself at this point. Like you said to me just after we broke up, you began to lose hope and it’s taken a few months apart for me to realise I’d also lost hope a long time ago, but instead I just prepared for a life of misery because BPD makes it really hard to sever bonds with people - no matter how toxic. 

It’s sad because we never got a chance to truly flourish together as a couple like I really think we could have based on our personalities and interests. It feels like all these external variables from our past had to stand in the way and every time progress was made, it was subsequently undone by further issues regarding mutual trust and honesty. But what are we other than a product of external variables from our past? Would I even still love you if you were the product of a life without those mistakes? Who knows. There’s nothing to be gained from getting into this now and I know it too, I only mention it to offer a chance to tell you I do understand in a way I never felt like I did before. You hid stuff from me for your own selfish reasons, but I never truly gave you the credit of being another flawed human like myself. You do shitty things. You put yourself first. You’re human. 

I think that’s been one the hardest things about the breakup for me. I spent so much of our relationship resenting you for these things. Holding the lies and mistrust against you. Putting you on a pedestal you never asked for, then judging you against these unfair standards that I set - not you. I guess the breakup in a lot of ways has “Pulled off your mask” and revealed to me that I really did love the person underneath for who you are, including your flaws and that has subsequently made the breakup a lot tougher to deal with. But lol, I’m for sure not the first guy to be dumped to have an epiphany that “I never realised what I had!”. 

I thought I was doing my best [Name]. I genuinely believed I was “providing for us” though the pandemic. I genuinely believed I was supporting you while you were waiting to study. I genuinely believed cooking you nice food and showering you with love was enough to make up for the anger and the outbursts and the nasty words. I thought I encouraged you and supported you to be your best version. I thought that even though I’d reacted harshly to certain things you told me about yourself, I’d gone out my way to educate myself, learn from you and understand them better in order to not make you feel loved by me no matter what and free of judgement. I guess I just used the pandemic to make excuses for everything. I kept building this idea of an idealistic future that clearly wasn’t around the corner but I thought that “if I just make it through this tough patch now” then we would reap the rewards and have a strong and committed relationship in the future. I knew how flawed I was but maybe I just thought you would put up with it forever. I can’t really explain because I have no excuses or real deep understanding of myself in these moments. 

I don’t even know what I want you to say. What I even want from you. I just wish so fucking much it had never been this way. Why do I have to be mentally ill? Why do you have to do the things you did? I wish we could have met at a different time, a different place, a different reality perhaps. I no longer know how to articulate the emotions I feel for you. I don’t know if it’s love, hate, a feeling of abandonment, or a sense of security that no matter how you feel about me now, you once loved me despite all my flaws. I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m sorry for not doing the right thing. I’m sorry for shouting. Most of all, I’m sorry for not seeing this all way sooner. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again. I hope I do. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope maybe we can rekindle something then if we are in a better place because I still feel like our souls are intertwined. 

Life is funny right? You never know the impact somebody will have on your life at first glance. It’s fascinating in a way that 2.5 years after meeting a total stranger in a bathroom 17,000km from our homes, you could have had such a profound impact on my life lol. Despite all the issues, we still did some really nice things together, particularly with animals that I’ll never forget. It makes me sad that we didn’t get a chance to do more nice things or to explore the world like we both talked about but I’m sure we will still, just not together anymore. 

Take care my dear. X