I just got back with my girlfriend... after a few months of losing contact and a day after we get back together she's in the hospital... and I don't know what's going on. I don't know if she's ok. She became suicidal once we lost contact, and because of that she almost killed herself with my knife. And I feel guilty for what she went through, even thought what happened was her doing, not mine. I wish she didn't have to go through the suffering for a long time. And I feel the pain of it now. My entire family and my friends hate her. But I don't. I still love her, and I want to forgive her. But they won't. They will just frown apon it like as if it was on purpose. 

I learned she didn't do it on purpose. But no one would believe me. They'd think I was just feeling lonely. Or that I was desperate. I still love her. I always have. But I want to see her. And they won't let me. I can't drive to see her, because I don't have my license due to my seizures. And no one would trust me on her side... at least I think so. I can't reach out. As all I get is radio silence. It's been a few days. I've grown anxious. I don't know if she's ok. And everyday that passes I worry she's in real trouble. 

And I can't tell anyone that I'm worried. Because no one knows I'm with her again. Or that I still love her. Or that she's hurt. I can't express how I feel, because everyone will frown apon it. No one else will let me feel happy, because they keep me away from her at all costs. If anyone loves me, would they respect that I love her, and it keeps me happy? I don't want to tell her, or it might make her feel worse. But she wants open communication,  and I fear retaliation or worse. Her leaving forever. 

I know for a fact she loves me, she kept everything from our relationship. I wish I could say the same. I wasn't exactly forgiving at the time, but now I do regret it. I want to forgive her. I believe I can. It'll take time. But for now, my main concern is that she is ok and that she doesn't have to suffer. To suffer like I did. But now... all I feel is guilt. And anger. Anger that I can't convince anyone that it wasn't her fault. She didn't mean it. And now...

I feel as if I'm too late. 

I ask God, to please.... let us be together. And happy, together without someone trying to rip us apart.