I apologize in advance for the long post but I am desperate for support. 

Let me just start this off by saying I thought I was doing really well. I work full time as a mental health counselor and haven’t had any negative feedback at work, in fact it’s been the opposite. I have a couple of friends. I pay my bills. I take all my meds, always. I speak with my psychiatrist twice a month. I’m in DBT therapy twice a week (group, individual). I’m waiting on ketamine treatments because I’m “resistant” to most SSRIs. No significant other for years though.

Yesterday I had a fight with my sister that was absolutely catastrophic. Screaming, banging on doors and walls, etc. My entire family got involved and it lasted for upwards of 6 hours. I was informed that I’m absolutely toxic, abusive, manipulative, negative, and what seems like just a bad person in general.

I thought I was doing so well. I really did. I wanted to kill myself right away and googled “quickest suicide methods” as one does. Then I called the suicide hotline I USED TO WORK FOR, which makes me so ashamed for some reason. I had coaching with my therapist. I called my psychiatrist too because I don’t want to end up inpatient for a second time. I was so exhausted I passed out at 6:30 PM and woke up 12 hours later.

How was I unaware that I’m this fucking terrible? I feel absolutely out of my mind. I feel like there’s an element of psychosis to this if I truly haven’t been aware of just how bad I’ve become. I haven’t cried as hard and for as long as I did in years. My heart physically hurt. I woke up recently and I’m still crying. 

I’m so fucking ashamed. I feel so guilty and deeply sorry. How could I treat the people I love so much like this? To the point where they can’t take it anymore? I feel like I’m doing everything I can, and I’m still the world’s biggest asshole. I just want to fucking die.

TL;DR: I thought I was doing really well and the people closest to me told me that I have been toxic and abusive.