I'm a 22-year-old guy doing a master's in machine learning in the UK, recently moved to Germany for an internship, and getting decent pay to pay my rent which is a relief with the financial independence pool of thoughts.

I've had this anxiety all my life now, have had problems having up in the morning for school, insecure about every detail about myself, and had many friends but always felt inferior and lonely. Extremely fragile in terms of physical or mental exertion, I used to fall sick all the time and have always had these low-grade fevers my entire life. There are many fights and mental issues at the family end; mum is trying to take more care of my brother for his life since he was going through a lot of OCD and anxiety symptoms too. I'm from India, so naturally, you don't expect people to act on mental health or treat it the right way. I used to miss school now and then, partly because of mum being lenient and her being a big figure in school which helped me get away with attendance issues. I've been bullied in school for all sorts of reasons, first with my complexion and details about my fragility in terms of health and behaviour.

Never try to look back at this time, don't have any school friends in touch now for obvious reasons, had an 8-year-long relationship which ended badly; I mainly put all of my self-worth there and treated her as family.

Went to college for my engineering, got on weed after 1-2nd year of college, had a lot of hookups here and there, basically just a boost up and escape from problems, I guess, still had the anxiety before anything important.

Cut to lockdown in 2020, got into some breathing exercises with a group online, the daily habit of just being there at 5:30 am was enough, used to get done with good workout and breakfast, vibed to led zeppelin in my room alone. Life turned out to be good. I started to grow my hair, tried to find myself more, and probably had no people around, so it was a relief.

Used to journal all my thoughts and dreams to find meaning, I realized how no physician or doctors couldn't help me during my school years with the symptoms.\[Mainly cause how my anxiety and mind made my body be prone to such diseases and had it's own symptoms too\]. I started taking talk therapy, then further tried all sorts of therapy possible, including hypnosis, CBT etc. It became clear how my anxiety rules over my body, from symptoms like chest pains to not being able to walk fine and not being able to feel my body freely.

Quit weed before moving to the UK for master's, used to get paranoid with anyone I smoked other than my cousin brother, who understood my condition or at least tried to be patient and understanding. I decided to tackle all of these issues being sober.

The master's course at the university got hectic. The symptoms used to get worse during important deadlines or even to the basic concentration/focus levels at lectures. Got on the anti-depressants recommended by my multiple shrinks, first few months on the doses were amazing. I used to wake up with needing only one alarm. People could feel my energy in the room, I was more alive, things started to get interesting again, colours were bright again, started feeling more of myself, from not being able to eat a sandwich in public without getting paranoid to believe in myself. I didn't wish to be dependent on the meds or take them as a 'fixer' for my anxiety; I kept on taking therapy on the side.

I realized I typed all of this in a hurry just to put it out there, in desperation for the response from people who've gone through the same or struggle with it daily.

My symptoms based on age:

**childhood till 18**: constant low-grade fevers, extremely fragile in terms of health, prone to diseases, little exertion and i'm done with a fever, deep inferiority complex, unworthiness, nightmares about losing out on life, house and family collapsing, headaches, being left out etc.

**18-21 age** : low grade fevers persisted, fragile in terms of mental health but the physical ones improved as i started putting in more effort for activities, weed helped for a great time to know that a version of me exists that is capable of doing things, opened a gateway for me to enjoy the vastness. went out with people for low-key dates at gardens or homes, helped with spending more intimate and open time together.

**21-22 age:** same old existential crisis with extreme lower abdomen pains, always clouded in my head, low self-esteem, oversleeping or insomnia etc.

Being on sertraline for 4-5 months now, my hypothesis since i haven't been feeling any better now, was that sertraline did it's work and its either time for me to change the meds or try something else. Doctors in the UK didn't let me change my meds since they needed to monitor me for the switch, recommended i get it done in Germany.

Drowsiness, regular yawns, heartburns, having to put an extra effort to communicate with people in public or at work, constant gloomy feeling around my face that i have hold my face together to remain normal and not gain extra attention without would require me to explain my states.

I've never had any suicidal attempts but have always had suicidal thoughts. Tired of explaining my symptoms and childhood trauma to every shrink I meet now, I almost feel like there's a never-ending list of issues and problems. I barely talk to my family besides my mum because I need my space, and it takes a lot of effort to 'fix' things or be a part again.

It just makes me hopeless and I wonder why I need to put so much effort in wanting to feel normal for 2 days in a row with no symptoms.