I have a bit of a mixed history with being insecure. My first serious relationship had me jealous and possessive and obsessive, was absolutely crazy about her - but she was the same with me, and it worked for us, made it very passionate and emotional and loving to the extreme. In my next relationship I wasn't insecure at all, but I came to the realisation after we'd ended things that it was likely because I wasn't really in love with him in the first place, so wasn't as scared to lose what I had. In my relationship before my current one, he was an emotionally abusive narcissist and so dragged out a jealous, insecure side of me that I hadn't seen for years.

Now... well, now I'm in a long-term relationship with a guy who I *am* in love with, who I fight all of my BPD symptoms for (obviously for myself, too, but a huge motivation is not wanting to be an irrational mess in our relationship) and who is very honest about things. For the most part my needs are met, though at times he is emotionally disconnected and he seems to find it hard sometimes to empathise with me and be kind when I'm having a BPD moment... but hey, no relationship is perfect. We're very different people, but it works well and in the areas it threatens *not* to work, we talk it out and make it work.

I had something of a meltdown last week, and that made me relatively more emotionally raw - and therefore more vulnerable to BPD insanity - than usual. He mentioned something about a day of team building somewhere for work (in the near future) and my head instantly leapt to the idea of him connecting with a girl whilst there. I asked, in as reasonable a way as I could (despite the request being unreasonable, which I know) that if he ever makes friends with a girl or exchanges numbers etc, I'd appreciate it if he'd tell me.

He didn't try to empathise, just reacted. Which I guess is fine? I don't know. Anyway, he said that he wouldn't ask me to do the same if I made friends with a guy, that it was an unreasonable request, that he didn't want to feel like we had a relationship built on distrust. (Let me say now that *without* the BPD I'd trust him implicitly, he's not just trying to manipulate his way into getting me to trust him.) I think I tried to explain that I felt it would help me and my BPD, to know things like that, he made it clear that he wasn't comfortable with me using BPD as an excuse for asking something like that of him etc.

I thought it through for a while, then apologised and agreed that I shouldn't be indulging my BPD in that way, and that I should be aiming towards being comfortable and secure rather than asking him for things like that. I realised that I should be trying to get to a place where I can be normal in a relationship, not asking for him to indulge the needs of my condition.

I fully accept that part of my insecurity and needing to have that sort of openness is down to the abusive ex, when he befriended a co-worker and proceeded to cheat on me with her. It's not just the BPD. But the BPD makes the need stronger.

I'm thinking about seeing a counsellor again, possibly with the potential of having him come along to a few sessions further down the line to hear what I and they have to say... but mostly so that I have someone who understands the condition fully to listen to me and help me judge my thoughts and feelings. I feel that I dearly need that, as my head has now been wondering if I did the right thing by agreeing with him, whether I should have asked him first to try and understand that I'm not trying to use my BPD and past experience as an excuse, more that it's just the way my head is currently wired.

I did actually ask him to try and be understanding, but I don't think he quite grasps that I'm not asking him to agree with me on my issues, just that I need him to try and understand that I'm not choosing to feel this way, that I want him to say 'I understand why your head makes you feel that way, it must be really frustrating to...' etc. I just want him to try and empathise *before* he tells me I'm being unreasonable. I don't mind being called out, I just want a little empathy first. 

But maybe me wanting that is unreasonable. Hence why I'm favouring the idea of therapy. A group session would be awesome, too, but there aren't any around me.

Sorry for the ramble, I just kind of wanted to get it out there. I *do* know my request was unreasonable and that I shouldn't be asking for shit like that, it's not fair and it's not healthy. My head has just been a bit messy about it today, though I will say - a bit of positivity - we've had a really lovely week off together since, so that's something. 