I'm 42M and recently diagnosed with BPD. For the first time since I was 15 I've been sober. Almost 4 months now and counting. Sobriety has allowed me to see myself from a different perspective and what I've discovered is scary. 

My most recent person in a 20 year string of failed relationships just ended this morning. I'm actually not too upset at her, because we're long time friends and will remain so as was discussed before we started the thing that just ended. She has been so compassionate and understanding of everything, and is going through her own challenges with mental illness, that I can't even be upset about her choice to end things as they were. She is too perfect and kind to be mad at.

I am upset with myself though. I'm deeply ashamed and angry at myself. I know I pushed too hard and became too needy and dependent on her love and affection. The pain caused by my rejection so severe that I might now be living in a delusion. 

&amp;#x200B;

The Reality that I recall with my memory:

We were doing great. Things went from me being sooooo good for her, to her pushing me away seemingly over night. It actually was overnight now that I think of it. One night we were lovers and everything was fine. The next morning the energy had changed and everything was off. I can't even think of anything specific that happened to cause it. Did my energy change and she reacted and I reacted in return causing a negative feedback spiral? Did her feelings change for an unknown reason or no reason at all? She tells me it just stopped feeling right and I need to respect that. I do believe her, because that's obviously the case., but why? How can someone change their mind so quickly like that?

She had been a huge influence on my choice to be sober. She is newly sober and really encouraged me to do the same. She also talked me into taking new meds(previously unmedicated) that I was hesitant to take just last week. She cheered me on as I changed my diet, started exercising, and lost about 25lbs. She even went to the store with me and helped pick out new clothes that fit. She has been such a healthy positive influence on me. There is no denying that.  

In the moments when this all started my intentions were genuine. My close friend saw me struggling and tried to help resulting in us spending more time together. We connected in a way that wasn't there before. Two people helping and supporting each other while they both change their lives for the better. What a beautiful thing. The perfect fairytale love story. Until she changed her mind for a reason I can't understand. 

&amp;#x200B;

The reality that exists when I look at this with a healthy dose of despair and self loathing:

What if my true motivation to change all these things about my life was only to be closer to her? I have been in love with her since the day we met after all, but she was too young back then and ended up getting married to someone else. I didn't pursue her 8 years ago because I didn't feel like I was good enough and her now ex husband was. Her happiness more important than any desire of my own I just let it be. We became good friends instead. Now her situation has changed and this was my chance so I went for it. 

She could never be with a person who wasn't sober, so I must become sober. She eats super healthy and is fit and attractive, so I must be the same in order to feel worthy. I even found myself acting like her sometimes, picking up speech patterns, agreeing with opinions that I don't actually agree on, watching shows I don't care about. All so we could spend more time together and keep her happy with me. I even seriously considered changing my mind on having children because that's what she wants some day, even though I've never wanted kids and just had a vasectomy last summer. Like a chameleon with no true identity I latched on to hers. What if she picked up on these things and it made her run?

So what version is real? Am I so desperate for attention and love that I'm capable of making up a false reality in order to feel like my intentions were pure? Is this all some twisted way of protecting myself? Is the fact that I even came up with all this just an example of me splitting? I know no one can answer these questions. I just needed to get this all out of me. Thank you for listening.

If I was still drinking I would do that for a few days until the pain of this went away. Now I don't know what to do instead so I'm here typing this.