This week's been a rollercoaster.  Good beginning, severe depression/ideation in the middle, ok end.  Today thought, I'm not sure what's going on.  I had fun with a friend.  Was feeling good.  Went to a holiday party.  Was Okcupiding a bit.  My ex drunk texted me so we talked.  It's confusing.  I was happy and depressed all at once.  My FP who's normally patient with me I guess got tired of my self-criticism and negativity and told me to leave them alone.  I'm supposed to drive out to my parent's for the holidays but that's going to suck and honestly I don't even want to go right now.


Everything has been so up and down and I've got friends now and been going to events, but everyone is older than me and in a different place.  I'm single again becuase I fucked up my last relationship and now I'm trying to date but I'm fat and ugly and fucked up so who would love me any way.  My friends can't even stand me apparently.  I feel like a nothing, a shell.  I'm not even really sad anymore right now.  Too many emotions I don't know what to do with.  I'm going to sleep.  But even though I had an ok evening....I wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning.  I will.  But I wouldn't mind if I didn't.


Sorry.