I used to be married to A. A had a best friend named B. B had a best friend named C. Me, A, B, and C used to hang out all the time.

Then, me and C fell in love. We had an affair. 

Me and A got divorced.

Me and C have been trying to make things work for two years to no avail. You guys have heard about it. Whatever. Old news.

One of the hardest things about my divorce was losing everything.

B, and all our other friends, rallied around my ex-husband A because I'd hurt him so badly. Understandable.

B, and all our other friends, also stuck around C because C had been their friend for so long, it was like: "Hey, C, you shouldn't have slept with A's wife. That was naughty. But, we still love you and forgive you, brother."

But, I got my scarlet letter, and got exiled. I know I deserve it, but it still really hurts. I used to say it was just because I was a woman, but whatever. I deserved it.

I just sent a "paw" emoji to C (it's our "affection" emoji...something we haven't exchanged in a few weeks...but I sent one, unsolicited, because I'm feeling vulnerable and I just need some attention, something soft, something...)

He responds with:

"B, A, and I around this bonfire is preeeeetty alright. Can't complain."

Abandonment triggered.

No affection returned, just him, stating where he is. 

With the people I used to love being around the most. But fucked up.

So much camaraderie, laughter, shared connection in that group...connection and camaraderie I'm craving and longing for...

Not to mention that A was supposed to have our daughter tonight, but he pawned her off on his dad FUCKING AGAIN. He said it's because he had to write a paper. Good job writing your paper, A. Good job. Every time it's my weekend I hang on TIGHT to her knowing my time with her is limited...but all his weekends ever amount to are ONE FUCKING DAY with her, because he pawns her off on grandparents. 

I want to rage. I want to find someone and just go have sex with them, just so I can be touched, and loved on, and attended to, but I know that will just make me feel worse. I'm bitching and whining to friends right now but they keep offering me ideas for how to soothe myself and all I want to do is punch them, so I just quit talking to them.

I'll probably just take a bath and imagine myself drinking enough to knock me out all night, but I don't have any alcohol in the house (thankfully). I want to cut (but I don't ever do that, I just imagine it). I want to break something. I don't know. I JUST WANT TO RAGE.

And I can't.

And no one understands how this feels.

Except you guys do.

You know what it means to feel your skin peeling off you from the inside and not be able to do anything about it.

I just want C to come hold me and love on me. But he won't.

I just want someone, A, or B, or C to invite me to that bonfire, but they won't.

I'm alone.

**TL;DR: My SO is at a bonfire with his best friend and my ex-husband. He won't come comfort me and be with me. My ex-husband should be with our daughter right now but he, again, pawned her off on grandparents during his weekend. I'm as alone as ever and I just want to fuck things up for attention.**