Long time lurker, first time writer.

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I am in my freshmen year in my new college. (India) It is what we commonly refer to as a tier 3 college in India. For the past 3 years I tried and I tried extremely hard for good scores and ranks in my exams and everyone around me (including me) thought that I was going to go in an amazing college have an amazing college life, would work hard there and continue in an amazing way. I chose my subject preference over a better college. Now every night I go to sleep all I wish is that I did not exist. I went into an extremely bad depressive state. Got diagnosed having moderate clinical depression. Went to therapy , 5 weeks or so, did not feel any change and so I left it. I used to be the most passionate person I knew about my subjects and studies, now a month into it, I feel like I made the wrong choices. All I wanted for the last 3 years was a good college/university for my bachelors and I continued working towards it without thinking about anything else. I gave up parties, new friends, trips and a lot of other stuff, just so that I could achieve a college of my choice and I don't even get that now. I used to sleep 6 hours when I was preparing for my exams, Now I sleep as much as I can. I do not want to wake up and face every day that I have failed. I cannot face it every day that I am not good at the one thing I was supposed to be good at. I think a lot about suicide, but I cannot do it(Probably passively suicidal). I do not have that courage and I have my parents who wouldn't survive seeing me dead. All I wish sometimes that this was all a bad dream but it isn't. I had that feeling of "I will go out in the world, and conquer it. Be good at at least what I do and enjoy everything." I now feel ashamed to talk about my studies and college to anyone. I feel ashamed talking to any friend of mine. I had friends I would have took a bullet , and I haven't even texted them in months. I avoid calls and social interaction with people just so that I do not have to talk about my studies and everything but I have to face it everyday I wake up. It is the thought I wake up with, It is the thought I sleep with that I failed.

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Yes I know, life is not over blah blah, I can still do great, lot of good people have done amazing things without college and blah blah. I do not want any motivational bulls\*\*t.I am tired of motivation,  I am tired of everything, I feel extremely weird when I sometimes still smile or laugh out. I feel weird hearing myself giggle if I do or even talk happily because in the back of my mind I feel like shit. I do not even know why I am writing this, but yeah, every-night I go to sleep I wish that just reverse time and make me unborn.