Anyone else have bad identity crises every time they get into relationships? 

Since being diagnosed two years ago, I thought I overcame my BPD, even going so far as believing that perhaps it was a misdiagnosis. Maybe I’m just an anxious and sensitive person? I’ve even gone so far as wondering if i’m fact, what I really have is a really bad case of ADHD. But it’s awful moments of realisation like this, is when I truly realise. Yeh. I have BPD. Fuck. 

I always have struggled with my sense of identity, but it’s particularly when I’m in relationships that I really feel lost. I always feel like I’m not who I really am, or want to be. I’m not ME. I always feel like relationships changes me in a way where it just terrifies me, because I don’t recognise myself anymore; I don’t like how my habits and mannerisms change. It even affects what I like and don’t like, down to really small things such as what clothes I wear, and how I do my make up. This is an awful cycle and I don’t know how to escape it. 

I met this amazing man a few months ago. I really love and care about him; he makes me so happy. This is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in, and I really feel as though he is special. But the bad thoughts have crept in again, like they always do. I feel terrified that I’m not the same person I was when I met him. I’ve changed how I look, I don’t do the hobbies I used to have and I don’t have the same energy like I used to. Fair enough to the last point though, because this pandemic has probably changed everyone’s mental energy. But still. I feel it and it’s on my mind. 

Why do I always do this? Why can’t I just fucking accept something that is actually good in my life, and just let go of this bullshit response to getting close to someone? Like honestly, what am I even scared of? He loved me how I was then and how I am now. Why can’t this be enough? 

Isn’t that the sad truth though, that love just sometimes isn’t enough, when talking about mental health. 

So here I am. Terrified that I’ll somehow sabotage my relationship by trying to regain my identity through chaotic and impulsive actions. I just know it’ll happen. 

I want to change and just you know, chill out? I internalise so much of my BPD (didn’t used to lol) that I just feel really alone with how I feel. I mean, how can I even explain it to him? “Hi I know everything is going really good but because I have a fucking problem, I can’t help but create a crisis for myself. I’m going to just go, move away to another city and disappear for a few months, just so I can find myself again. Even though logically people change all the time and how I feel as though I’ve changed isn’t really that significant in the grand scheme of things. Doesn’t matter that that will end up damaging my mental health further but I lack the coping mechanisms to deal with my shit. I’m sorry please don’t hate me.”

I know this all just sounds so pointless and such a non problem. Me 2 years ago was classic BPD whereby I couldn’t help but externalise all of my problems and thoughts (it’s taken me a lot of therapy books to get me to where I am today). 

I just want to get this off my chest more than anything.

Oh and just to say, I am going try my fucking best to fight how I feel. And hell, maybe I’ll try and approach the topic to him. I just don’t want him to think it’s him, or that the relationship isn’t working because I’m too damaged.

I don’t want to lose him because I’ve given into my BPD impulses.