I should clarify the 'again' part first. The first time was a few months after leaving my ex (now three years ago). Eating became optional, sleep was 17 hours a day, you know how it goes.

If I had to pin down a reason, it's a long-term friend getting into a relationship a few weeks ago, which I know I should be happy about, but... we don't speak anywhere near as much as we used to, now. He was the only one I trusted enough to open up to completely. With that gone, it quickly welled up. I've lost all patience with art and games, I'm lashing out at everything - I kicked a chair (which hurt like hell) out of my room because I didn't want to throw it... then threw it anyway. A fucking *chair*.

Then tonight, something broke. All the sadness, all the rage, any kind of emotion at all, it all just stopped. I just want to sleep, or die, or go into a coma. I want to cut every tie I have to anyone or anything (which I may end up doing, anyway).

I've never seen a counsellor or psych about this, because opening up to people is a long and risky process. Bundled with my anxiety, I don't even have the guts to make an appointment. I just... I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I've got nothing left, either to live for or to fuel me, and I know I've been getting worse through the years. I can feel it, read it in my posts, see it in myself. The only times I've ever been truly happy are in a relationship. As you can guess, it's a bit hard to find a girl willing to put up with me, and even rarer are the girls that are actually into girls with a mind and spirit as broken as mine.

I don't know if there's anything left to type. I don't even know if anyone is going to see this, or reply.