Hi everyone, thanks in advance for reading what will probably be a long-ish post. I’m writing this whole thing out because I think I’ll be cathartic for me, and maybe it’ll help me vent/gain insight from self-reflection and those who respond.

My background includes: competitive sports, lots of friends, a loving family, the whole-9. Though, in spite of the good, I do have a history of panic disorder, OCD, and depression— I see a therapist for this. The OCD and depression have been pretty consistent throughout my life. However, the panic disorder diagnosis came in 2015/2016 after a traumatic medical event in my life; having medical trauma has been really difficult for me because it made me fearful of a lot of things and I sorta molded my life around “what if.”

Flash forward to 2020, I was finishing up undergrad, COVID hits, I get very ill with Lyme disease (no bullseye rash, just horrid and crippling migratory joint pain), I start graduate school— what a fucking whirlwind of crap. Luckily for me, I knew a bit about Lyme so I sought out treatment quickly— within the same week I got antibiotics and made an appointment with a Lyme literate MD. Long story short, I treated Lyme for a few months with antibiotics and then switched to herbs because I was inundated with the horror stories on online FB groups, and I didn’t want to miss anything. Through my battle with Lyme, I became a little obsessed with it. I was striving to be my healthiest self, and having had already been struggling with medical trauma, I thought maybe this was “what I needed” to get into tip-top shape. But, the problem now is is that I can’t seem to shake this “sick” mindset. I still feel like I’m this helpless, sick, sad girl who needs saving and fixing, and I’m trying so desperately to do all of these things for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I do have good days, and I’m having MANY more good days than I was a few months ago and even a year ago, but I’m still struggling so much with this mindset shift, and I feel stuck in this horrible headspace. It doesn’t help that I’m also a huge advocate (out of passion— I like this stuff) for a few different ailment groups I’m in online and amongst the friends I’ve made, etc. As my therapist and I say, my brain and heart aren’t aligned when it comes to how I’m feeling and what optimal “health” means/is.

I feel stuck. Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement?