Just a bit of a vent which i think fellow bpd sufferers might understand.

I work full-time. We’re over staffed and there is nothing to do for 8 hours. Sitting around for so long doing nothing but getting more and more frustrated is so bad for my mental health.

I don’t have any leave left to take. I’m not allowed any more sick days because I’ve had too many already.

So I look for a new job. Get an interview for something which sounds great, and get offered the job! Then get my offer retracted when they see how bad my sickness record is.

So I can’t apply for a new job until I go at least 12 months with no sickness. Which means sticking with this job, where the sheer boredom and frustration is leading me to be more suicidal than i’ve been in months.

So i ask to reduce my hours. I can just about get by on a bit less money. My request gets approved, great! But not until next month. And not the working pattern i requested.

Still 9 months left on my waiting list for therapy. Meanwhile i’m left with nothing. no support for any of my suicidal thoughts, no advice on how to manage my out-of-control emotions or my anger. I could go private and get seen quicker but i can’t afford it, because i had to reduce my hours to stop myself from going insane.

i feel so, so trapped. the few weeks until i start my shorter days seems so far away. i think about suicide every day, for the first time in months. i think about not turning up for work, just going missing for a few weeks. i think about jumping in front of cars or off of high buildings rather than going to work.

i talk to my loved ones but they don’t seem to get how badly i’m struggling because it’s all so easy for them. they see me leave in the morning and come back in one piece in the evening and think that means my day was fine, because they don’t see the bits inbetween.

it sounds so overdramatic but i feel like i can’t handle this any more.