The last time I had a therapy session, I was at the beginning of a downwards spiral and I think she made it worse. I was talking about everything and after she was done she just said this:

"You are so terribly negative," in response to me talking about why I felt helpless and hopeless, then directly followed by, "it really seems like none of your problems have any solutions. Why are you in therapy?"

I don't know. I really don't.

I don't want to go find another therapist because I've been to a bunch of them and they all end up saying the same thing, eventually. They have no idea what to do with me, and I frustrate them, so they give me a list of providers that may be "better qualified" to treat what I have.

My new psychiatrist said the same thing. I just met her on Monday, and after I told her everything that is wrong, she genuinely said that she has no idea what to do for me right now, and then asked when my next therapy appointment was for.

Antidepressants can't touch me; I have been on multiple different ones from every single class of them. Most of them actively make my symptoms worse, and they eventually have to take me off of them. I've been to 3 psychiatrists before this one, and I left all of them because they were mad at me and believed that I wasn't following their instructions or that I was doing drugs or something. I wasn't. I literally am doing everything they ask to the best of my abilities. I admit that my abilities are not that strong, but I really am trying my best. I want to be better, and the only way I can get better is doing what they ask of me so they can find out what works and what doesn't work.

And so far, nothing has worked. It's been almost ten years and nothing has worked. I have never felt like I've improved in any way; I just slowly but surely continue to march down a very steady decline.

It is getting horrible again because I'm not able to feel any positive emotions for more than a few fleeting moments. I performed at a concert yesterday and everyone was kissing my ass because I was the soloist and I did good, and music is my dream and my passion, but I didn't feel anything.

I'm so angry when therapists tell me that I'm too negative. I don't feel like I'm being negative. I am doing what they ask even though it's very hard, I'm talking to them about everything even though I'm guilty for it all and hate myself because of it, I'm even doing DBT in a workbook. But all of this just keeps making me feel worse. I genuinely do not see a future where I ever get better.

Here is the context where she said I'm so negative and doesn't know how to help or if she even CAN help; I said something along these lines:

"It's not like I can't feel happy or anything, and sometimes I really AM happy, but it's never for very long, and it is always accompanied by pain. I am so fucking tired of constantly living in pain. For years I fulfilled my impulses and lived a life of immediate gratification, and that was a horrible way to live. But now, for years, I have been making healthy choices and building a happy and healthy future for myself, but I do not feel even the slightest bit better than I did when I was living like that. I thought that taking care of myself, making good choices, and getting help were supposed to help me get better. They aren't helping. If anything, I feel worse. I'm so tired of playing this little game where I spend all of my time chasing something that I hope and pray will make me happy, but the happiness never really comes. I convince myself that I won't feel empty anymore if I do the things I love, but not even the things I love bring me joy. At the end of it all, there is just an unsettling emptiness inside me. I spend my life ignoring it and pretending that I really am happy, because if I don't, it all starts crashing and burning and exploding because it really is just fake."

I was being honest. I feel like I'm being optimistic. I am afraid to be optimistic because then, if it doesn't work out, I get disappointed. But I am doing it all anyway. And for as much as I pretend to be happy, and I ignore the emptiness in the hope that someday it will go away when I practice happiness long enough, it never comes. It's all just a distraction.

I don't know what to do, really. I feel so helpless. What if I really am the only one holding myself back from getting better? If that is the case, I think I might end it all, because I don't have the strength to sit here and listen to how much of a failure and a waste of space I am anymore. If I really am the problem, then I just want to get rid of it and let everyone get on with their lives.