My ex of 6 years:
- I got him his first job
- I dragged him to school everyday (went from zero credits in grade 11 to graduating)
- I made all his appointments 
- I always helped him with every single thing
- I taught him how to cook and do laundry
- the list honestly goes on so much longer


My current boyfriend of 2 years:
- I got him clean from a 6 year opioid addiction (involved: supplements, research, dragging him to NA meetings, trying to make him go to rehab, insted he detoxed at home and I held his hand through horrible withdrawls, he is clean 3 months now)
- I helped him kick his porn addiction
- I helped him with crippling panic attacks and self help techniques
- I make sure I do everything for him so life is easier for him
- etc etc etc


But.... come to think of it. I have so many problems with my mental health that I would rather help other than to work on myself. The reality is I am drowning, but I would rather help you swim than to learn to swim myself. I keep pushing for them to get better and better, that they feel like nothing is ever good enough for me. All I want to do is help and somehow I push them all away.

See, my current boyfriend has huge performance anxiety issues, meaning he wont have sex with me because he is so anxious. I keep pushing and pushing and researching techniques to help him overcome this fear. We had sex 5 times in 2019... We had sex 2 days ago for the first time in months, and guess what. Yesterday, I wanted to do it again, so I pushed for it until I made my 230lbs 36 year old boyfriend break down crying (I've only seen him cry 2 times in 2 years). Crying that nothing is ever good enough for me and that he is trying his best. I am so clingy, I am always all over him and I give him anxiety because of how attached I am. He feels like he doesn't deserve to be with me, he feels like less of a man. And in all honesty, I am not good enough for him. But, he will never notice that, since I am so fixated on his success. I will always drown to "fix" others. I don't leave in toxic situations because I always see potential in helping this person I love. I should have left him a long time ago, because yes helping someone is great, but they feel like shit since I dont give them a chance to help me. Therefore, they feel like shit since I don't give them a chance to create balance. I hold it against them when I am angry "you never do anything for me", its not fair for me to say that since I don't let them help me.


I feel like a huge asshole. I always act as the victim, but I seem to love being the victim. 

I've always been unwanted right from birth. I was always a burden. I was a victim. I was molested and bullied and beaten as a child. And I carried this grief and labled myself as a victim. I always felt like I am not worthy. I was taught love means being treated like shit and tip toeing trying to do everything right. So, back to my ex and current boyfriend, I always play the victim. And they hate it. They feel like a monster, although, everyone has problems, but I make them feel like they are the most fucked up person on earth. And I act like mother Theresa. I am not perfect. I am flawed and lost. I wish I could accept that love is a give and take. I give too hard because I dont want to lose them, but they leave me since I am "too good for them and they dont feel worthy of my love".

Just a little realization about my life.