Just a few months ago I was wrapped in blankets in my bed wanting to sleep everything away because of the miserable life I was living, at some point recently this month I moved to town and became motivated to want to finish my education and leave my family behind, the ones keeping me down and making me feel the way I have been feeling the past 10 years of my life. I do not have many friends. I deal with severe depression and anxiety and I have been dealing with it for like, 13 years. I am 21 and I will be 22 soon. 

My bestfriend hasn't said anything to me for a whole day, I ask why? He says he was getting drained because of my current mental status and that he was considering just cutting me off, there's more to this but I want to just keep it super short as short as I can. But I have been working so hard, I had an extremely rough weekend and had to take Monday off from my classes. I was dealing with a sore back, pain when I was breathing and cramps in my legs but my only ride to my classes during Tuesday was out of question so I got up and miserably walked to my classes. I cried in the bathroom for an hour when I got there, just last week I studied so hard to do my written test for my beginner's. 

I passed after being pressured to do it for a year but clearly was not motivated enough. I have been getting a lot done more than I thought I could, not even on my own terms. But it seems regardless of what I do and succeed at doing it's not enough for anyone, I got scolded by my friend for expressing how hard of a time I was having recently that he wanted to cut me off just because I seemed demotivated recently, my family treats me like ass everyday and has been since I was 10. Everything sucks, no matter how hard I try nothing I do is good enough for anyone, not even the guy I love and who tells me he loves me back. I am trying not to depend on anyone for validation but it's hard, when I am down I need someone to pick me up but no one wants to be that person. I get it, it can be hard dealing with someone sharing their issues which is why I have been doing well to hold back expressing myself because we spoke in the past how it was draining for them.

 I just forget sometimes, sorry I can't keep my emotions bottled and I don't want to pay for a therapist for copy and paste responses to my issues. Doesn't mean I'll stop trying though, but it sucks how it feels like even the person I care about wanted to ghost me just for me having a hard time recently, almost like it was a punishment for feeling like shit because I did have a shit weekend.