Why did I do it? Because they’d be selling themselves short on me. That’s just a fact. If I haven’t smothered them and driven them away now, I’d smother them and drive them away later down the line. 

I was in love with this person. They say love is a strong word, but it’s hard not to use. She got me. Plain and simple she just…got me. And she inspired me. She had some really cool hobbies, and I’d think “dang, I should try that”. I got back in to art because of her. She really encouraged me a lot. 

But what this meant was that I was insatiably attached to her. I was in constant panic mode if she weren’t online to message me, or if she said something that my brain overanalyzed to be something bad. Well….I decide to be open with her about it. I wanted to just basically be like “yeah I have no idea if it’s me or what but…I’m just anxious all the time with you”. That’s essentially what I told her. She responds (very respectfully) saying essentially “I want you to know if you are using me as a means of reassurance then I’m not going to be good for that…” 

And everything clicked at that point. I would eventually use her for that. I know myself. That’s what would happen. As awful as it is to say, I would absolutely have had some bad day, and out of desperation would have confided my entire being in to her. And she doesn’t deserve that. She doesn’t want or need that pressure. 

She was upset. I wonder if she’s sitting there just hating me right now. But I don’t hate her. She didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t deserve anyone like her. I knew things would turn bad, and it would all be my fault. I feel like such a dickwad though. 

Am I a bad person? Please be honest.