I do my best t hide and internalize things. My mind is kinda like a minefield and when you get past the field you can reach a control panel that has control of an atomic bomb. Throughout my days I can handle and keep on internalizing it all but on the outside, every time I socialize just sarcastic and prickly so I just avoid and shut people cause it always immediately goes to hell, and in the end of it all I just want to disappear.  fp vented to me and put almost all of his problems and issues on and always say stuff that sets me off. But he wants me to talk and vent to him while all of my issues I would rant and vent about is all about him. he says he won't get in his feeling but he turns around and does and blame himself and practically threatens suicide all the time.

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I can't talk to him without ghosting him for a while thinking its best so I won't do harm but turn around and stress myself out about even doing so

I can't talk to him without getting in my feelings and causing an argument ruining everything and the next thing you know I triggered a depressive episode in him and I'm the one who has to fix it cause im all he has. and btw I'm also his fp.

I feel like everything is soon gonna become toxic. I'm clingy I'm needy I like depending on people but he is the same. I'm scared he will just leave and go away which makes me more aggressive and paranoid and just makes everything worse cause I act upon it. 

And every time that atomic bomb goes off for some reason i get hurt the most and he is able to pick himself up while I'm just stuck with it and finally when i feel somewhat normal he just brings everything back up and I just soak and slowly drowning in my bathtub of regret. Almost 3 times this past week or so I was super close oh telling him, "you make me want to kill myself" out of context and just disappearing. 

What goes up always goes down. My ups is just me either finally being happy but getting ruined and turning into anger. My downs are just me going back and sitting in my hollow hole and getting slowly dragged in more from all the things I did and say during my ups.  My dad is bipolar (and have ither stuff) and I can now finally understand him and my mom a little more. And ik the things he did isn't right but I understand them now. I'm low-key scared I might just become exactly like him. But me knowing how my grandma is on my dad's side is hope because throughout my childhood all the way up till she died i never knew that she was sick and learned how she was able to pull herself together for her family was beautiful.