I've always struggled to have the help I need or to be diagnosed - when I was last being evaluated for group therapy I was just told everyone is on the spectrum and helped no further. I don't even know if I really have BPD, I've been somewhat diagnosed with depression an anxiety through my doctor but that's not all and I know it. I need help. My biggest issue at the moment is losing myself, I split? Or dissociate, I don't even know. Whenever I feel abandoned I get triggered, a headache begins, sinking feeling in my chests begins, racing thoughts leave me feeling overwhelmed, I immediately feel like nothing and I want to hurt myself and those around me. For instance, I've been struggling with healing after my partner lying and his porn addiction, as much as it's been hurtful to me I've been reacting out of line and I hate it. Last night I accidentally scratched/cut him with my nail in a rage of trying to push and hit him away from me. It's dreadful, I can become so horrible, in those moments of wanting to kill myself and push others away I go in and out of being self aware. For example: I feel abandoned, I then feel a sinking feeling in my chest, I then hate myself as I feel less than, a headache grows, I then hate my partner when reassuring me as I think he's only saying those things because I'm upset, then I push him away/hurt him, I then come to and realise and hate myself even more for acting so dreadfully, I try to hurt myself or it goes back to me hating them for making me feel abandoned. It's a viscous cycle. Does anyone else experience this? I can't move past pain/trauma due to intrusive thoughts and it's killing me and my relationship. If anyone could give me an inkling as to what I'm experiencing then it may help me communicate my issues to s doctor and hopefully maybe I'd be taken more seriously and get the help I need to take control over my emotions again. 

Sorry for the essay, thanks for your time.