I don’t even know where to start this. But I guess I will start with some backstory why i feel like this.

A couple of years ago I got raped. I ended up having a mental breakdown and got diagnosed with PTSD. I tried to kill my self but my mother found me and rang an ambulance. I was on meds that I ended up abusing and got involved with a group a lot older than me. I pulled my self out of it and got better for a while, I started working out but then I got a bad injury and haven’t been able to work out since. This year I got diagnosed with C-PTSD.  I have been trying to get help and I started seeing a mental health team a couples of months ago but there has been 0 progress since I started seeing them. I don’t even have meds yet. 

I met my boyfriend last year and he was really supportive at first, but not anymore.

I have been on my own in my bedroom at my mothers for about 8 days since he dropped me off. I haven’t seen anyone, I have been waiting for him to come and get me so my life can start again because whenever I’m in this house my life seems to just pause. I don’t leave my room for days. I don’t eat. I barely drink enough water. I have no friends here. I am stuck in an absolute rut. I feel so lonely. I just watch TV all day. And get nightmares almost every night. I get anxiety if i hear the smallest noise because I think someone might of got in the house to hurt me. I keep the doors locked downstairs and stay in my bedroom with my bedroom door locked too. 

When I am with him at his house I feel better. I get up, tidy up, go in to the living room, I even cook. I know it doesn’t sound like much at all but for me it is a routine. Much more of a routine than I have here anyway. And it feels like a safe space. 

My boyfriends issue is his sleep and sometimes we argue, i get nightmares a lot, I don’t wake up screaming. But if i have a nightmare I will tap him to wake him up to cuddle me so I feel safe. His other issue is that i move a lot in my sleep. I cant help this. 

I asked him if he could pick me up tomorrow, but he said he has football match with his friends (they meet up once a week and play for fun) and he doesn’t want to let them down. I got upset and said but what about me? Ive been on my own feeling dreadful for over a week. And he says I choose to not go out and not to do stuff. But I don’t. I don’t have friends here. My brain wont let me do stuff here. 

I need support. He is the only thing I have. 

I don’t know what do, I feel so hopeless and lonely. I really dont see any point in living a life like this. I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy. 

Does anyone have any advice? How can I get him to understand how low I really feel?