*This post is prefaced with the fact that I haven’t medically been diagnosed with BPD, however have an enormous amount of symptoms for the past 6 years and had a therapist suggest I was (with me not following up on therapy or psychiatry because of fear and self sabotage)*

This year my ex (who I also predicted had BPD) took her own life and I haven’t gone a single day without idealizing doing the same thing. We had been together for 3ish years, engaged, then broken up for 9 months when it happened. In her final note she assured me it wasn’t my fault but I’ll never not blame myself for not being with her still and helping and realizing that was my pure instinctual happiness.

It’s been 7 months since then and I haven’t talked to/touched a female outside of a friend capacity. Friday night after a mix of drugs and alcohol I ended up going home with a girl from a party where he had multiple hours sex and cuddled for nearly the whole next day. The substances (and hangover) helped hide some of the awareness in the moment, but the intimacy was still very present. 

My biggest point here to tie into BPD is this: Within that one night and next day I can already see (and from what she’s said already) she’s heavily invested in me and any altered versions of myself I became to make her happier. I hate that throughout life I make people fall for me fast and I play into it just to make them happy. I understand I have to probably mention to her everything and why I may be “unavailable” but I just feel like a terrible guy who fits a trope of “sex and next”. I wouldn’t mind being her friend but I just don’t know how to deal with almost anything. 

If anyone can relate or has any words of wisdom please feel free to help and converse. This sub is amazing and so are you reading this. Thank you!