For the past six month, I’ve just depressed. I don’t know what started it. I thought it was a rut at first. And then it went on and on and I started getting comfort from my own depression. Days of nothingness and routine, and me moping around, trying to find a little bit of dopamine. Hours of toxic gaming, binge watching series, binge eating and drinking. I have 65 voicemails and have already missed 3 credit card payments(even though I can afford it). Nobody knows. Or maybe they do. I loved living in my own bubble of depression. Nothing to care for. Just disappearing from the word and life, hoping nobody will care or talk to me. But they do care. I’m at a point where people are starting to hold me accountable. I don’t know what to think of it. On one hand, it’s a level of negativity and criticism that I don’t want to deal with. On the other, I’m really appreciate of people telling me the truth and how it’s affecting them and that they still cared.. 

Best Friend: told me I never hang out or answer my phone anymore. I’m starting to become a bad friend and that I kept making excuses.

Mom: pointed out that I gained a lot weight (I was pre-diabetic already) and that I should really start caring for my health. 

Boss(friend) (he told me to reach out to an intern which I didn’t):  that he wants me to transition into a leadership role than just do the same routine everyday. Think tanks and new ideas and all that.

Ex girlfriend (friend): called me out the amount of TV series I’ve been watching (I use her accounts) and that I reeks of cigarettes and booze. She also wants me to start dating again.

I don’t know. Hearing them all in a matter of two weeks make me feel like an absolute loser. At the same time, I don’t think I can keep living like this.