I've been thinking a lot lately about getting a new therapist. I've been with my current one for five and a half years but I started going to him before I even had any clue that what I experience is In any way related to trauma and he's not trauma informed. I went to him for autism spectrum disorder diagnosis and just kept seeing him afterward. Over the years I've realized more and more how much the trauma affects me more than the fact that I have autism. It's not my autistic behaviors that are the problem it's how I feel about myself because of the trauma of being rejected, abandoned, ridiculed, and overall just not accepted for who I am. I was never able to take my mask off for my previous therapist, I didn't even know I was wearing one, and I haven't really been able to do it with this one either. I don't know if the problem is me or if it's him. I don't know if it's that who could be expected to know who I am and what's going on in my head when I hide it so well or if as my therapist it's his job to figure that out but either way it's just not working. I go in there and I can calmly tell him just what depths of despair I've been in but has never seen any indication of how bad it really is. I've never broken down or gotten emotional or irrrational or frustrated, even though I've felt all those things. It's just really hard after almost a dozen years of doing therapy to think about starting over again with someone else I don't know. I don't know if it's the right decision either. I don't know if I shouldn't just tell him what I'm writing here and try to work through it or if I just need to move on.