I (22F) have this Favorite Person (FP). I adore him (perhaps i love him) for years. I've known him since middle school, I approached him and we were becoming friends at that time. I feels like i 'imprint' him? I really don't know why i like him in the first place. I just like him as a person? I don't know how to describe this. At that moment I felt he would never reciprocate my feelings, then we parted ways in high school, and lost contact. I have several boyfriends in middle school but of course my borderline was acting up. Our relationship has never been stable because of me and because of them. Deep down i knew i still have feelings for him (my FP). My mood swings was acting up badly when I was in my senior year till my first year in my college year. I attempted suicide twice at that time. My bpd also 'produce' anxiety and depression. Life was hard at that time but i was too coward to ki** myself. I only prayed to God to quickly take my life. I lived minute by minute.

After that, i began to collect myself. Try to love myself more, went to therapy, and i learned so hard how to handle my extreme mood swing. I began to recover (wasn't fully) and i was single for 4 years. I liked other person on my college years and again, deep down i knew that i like him not as big as i like my FP.

Around 2-3 months ago. I reconnected with my FP through social media, he follow me and i decided to chat him. Strangely, he was so friendly at that time. I remember back in middle school years he had this 'wall' around him which i couldn't enter. We started to be friends again, and at that moment I thought "ah never mind I don't feel anything to him anymore so let's be friends". Turns out i was wrong. Or I actually already know that i was wrong. I still like him and adore him but I was in denial mode because i was too afraid he will leave me someday (later i told him I never thought that I would come back to like you again blablabla bullshit). We began to be friends again. Then he told me he has bipolar and adhd so i told him "well i have borderline", he also had suicide attempted. Since then we became very 'connect'. I helped him and he helped me. He understands me and I understand him. I know him and he knows me. Our relationship developed romantically. He will text me how was my work, how was my day, how was my condition, he miss me, he worried about me, he hug me and vice versa. We chat a lot from something trivial to heavy topics, exchanged ideas, and strengthen each other. I began to wish for more time because i want to spend more time with him.

He told me he only like 3 person in his life. And he deeply hurted by his first crush (i don't know if he love her or nah) because his friend suddenly dated her at that time. We were in first year of middle school at that time (so yeah i know this girl too). He told me why he likes this girl blablabla. Later when we talked about something, then he often connected this girl or his feelings towards this girl out of nowhere. When i talked about this girl and and I voiced my concern he only brushed it off "we already lost contact". It hits me. What if he meets her later? or the girl returns to her life at an unexpected moment? But i decided to bury the fear away. I told myself this is your bpd a*s acting up. Don't lose. Keep trusting him. Suddenly, when we were talking about another whole as* topic, he connected the topic to his feeling to her again. So i decided to brought it up. I told him it was like he still have unfinished business with her (i didn't tell him directly that he is still loving her because it was too hurt lol) we discussed a lot. And he understands me. And i am right. I told him i was okay (i'm not lol) and go after her. I don't want to live in another person shadow. He said good luck to me.

That's it. We parted away. To be honest i don't know what i was doing is right or wrong. This is my bpd acting up or this is my common sense. But I really don't want to live in another person shadow. That's not healthy for my mental health. My world feels like turn upside down but it looks like it's the best for both of us. The world keep turning but i stuck.

But i’ve come to the realization that all i really need is contentment. I think, the people who are able to give love are also the one who able to receive a much bigger love so i will continue living the fullest, loving the fullest, hurting the hardest, crying the hardest. I will continue living, day by day, loving, being grateful, trying to be better and improve myself but at the same time appreciate my effort and be proud of how far i’ve gone through. It is hard. But so is life. I still stuck but i won't give up. 

I guess i will never stop loving him, he is my source of happiness. But i've tried to learn that he is not my only happiness. I already have a lot of happiness. And there is still much happiness that i have yet to find. And if i am not meant to be with him then it means the best is yet to come.