So basically I’m sorry if I’m rambling. I have been addicted to meth for 3 years and I’m only 20 granted I have been clean a year butI cheated on my partner because I was high and Horny and he didn’t deserve that. He forgives me %100 and our relationship has never been FUCKING  BETTER. We broke up because I had a splitting episode and closed EVERYONE out. I went on a week bender eating so many fucking drugs. Xanax, meth, ghb, cocaine, vyvanse, adderall, lortabs , OxyContin, klonopin. How the FUCK am I alive. I’m a benzo addict and have been addicted to Xanax bars for 2 years. I eat any benzo I get my hands on. I’m currently trying to get clean and am tapering with klonopin but dude I’m not myself....I’m so fucking mentally lost. I love the people in my life but I wish they would all leave me so I could self destruct and do drugs and so I could cut again. I crave the razor so much. I just had to get stitches 7 weeks ago. I opened my thigh up 7 inches. I self harm so bad I’m covered in scars. I have so many failed suicide attempts. How the fuck do you fail at suicide. I have been doing ALL drugs since I was 13-14. My moms a 30+ year meth addict and my dad is a abusive piece of shit. He physically beat the living shit out of me because he saw open self harm wounds on my shoulder so I ran away and have been on my own every since. I live with my partner and we have a open relationship and I have one fwb and he hits and quits them. At the end of the day I love coming home to him and kissing him and playing with my husky puppy and lab puppy and my husky FUCKING SCREAMING out of joy. I just wish I could die. My Brain is a fucking bully. I was diagnosed bpd 1 year ago when I went to the psych ward because I was so suicidal. I’m just fucking venting. I never post here I’m a lurker but I just feel like such a burden but I KNOW THEY CARE ABOUT ME but my fucking brain just won’t let me and I’m so scared and always feel vulnerable. All my life my mom was a abusive piece of shit as well as my sperm doner. I hold so much fucking anger towards them I wish they would die I feel like part of me would come to closure for how bad they fucking hurt me. Jesus Christ help me. Everyday is a struggle but I’m doing it for the people around me. They need me ( I have no reason why I’m fucking annoying and a asshole). I’m sorry this post is so long.