 I  know that because I have intrusive thoughts, a lot of negative things  in my mind are not really my thoughts so even if I struggle I try to not  consider them as part of me.

I  read somewhere to notice negative thoughts and feelings as an observer  so that they affect me less, but I can't understand that well how I can  observe my feelings part like my anger or sadness for example, instead  of just getting angry or sad with something that affected me negatively.

And  lastly, then I notice that my mind keeps repeating it over and over and  I feel like I am getting deeper in a hole and get angrier and sadder,  and I have the strong urge to break something, but I never do, so I  punch something that doesn't break even though it doesn't feel as it was  released properly.

But because a  tiny part of me has a bit of control to tell me not to break something  or harm a living thing and I can do that, I want that part of me to be  the real me and not allow me to get in this hole in the first place in  future events.

I get so affected  by other people and it feels like hell, but I don't really care about  strangers since I know I won't see them again. And having obsessive  intrusive thought that keep repeating in my mind one stupid small event  that happened months ago, every time something happens even if I always  try to be as perfect as possible when interacting with people in my life  that I don't feel comfortable with but I have to keep interacting with  them, the same thing happens.

So  in the end my mind is just full of small stupid events that I felt  embarrassed about that keep repeating over and over in my mind, so I try  to stay as far away from people that I know as possible, because  everyone triggers my anxiety now and I have been stuck in my room for  the past 7 years helping my family and working with projects online,  after I returned from another country, where I had 24/7 a strong knot of  anxiety while living there.

In  these 7 years maybe I have been outside around 30 times? And every time I  really hate it because I worry that I will see someone I know, since  this is the neighborhood that I grew up and since I am living with my  family people that I don't want to interact with visit the house and  some even come to my room without my consent and invade the only place  that I have left and feel somewhat safe.

And  they act all nicely so I can't really confront them for something, and  then talk negatively behind my back to others, which I have listened to  numerous times without them realizing, or on purpose just to hurt me and  feel better about themselves.

All  I do is try to help people that seem nice, remove negative people from  my life and be alone or with my girlfriend, because I know how to be  relatively happy, I am just not in that position right now so I keep  struggling and going crazy.

I was  discussing with someone with knowledge and the conclusion was that I am  addicted to my negativity when something bad happens, because I know  that this is a way to release my frustration, to get in that hole, feel  10 times worse and then release my anger.

I  would love to get diagnosed and treated one day because I definitely  have some problems that need fixing, like most likely ADHD/ADD, anxiety,  definitely PTSD and OCD(and probably depression but on a smaller  scale), and I am proud of myself for all the progress in my personality  and mental state that I have just been doing on my own so far.

One  really positive thing is that I have a supportive girlfriend who  understands me and I am looking forward to having a life with her one  day and be happier and leave everyone behind with a new start.

Unfortunately  I can't really afford a therapist right now in my country it is hard to  get diagnosed and treated, and even admitting that I have mental  problems to family would label me instantly as a \*crazy person\*, even  though it is obvious that they have some themselves and not even realize  them, but this is the mentality in such countries.

This  post was supposed to be just that tiny question and it ended up  something huge, so I apologize for that. Because of anxiety I don't  usually publicly voice my problems but I am so tired of living in my own  personal hell and keep getting triggered all the time by other people  around me.

I want to do so many  things that I am passionate about but my mind works against me. And it  doesn't help that from ADHD/ADD or depression I have the inability to do  things, even though I crave to create, so I will hyper-focus and finish  5 projects in a row and then not do anything for like 3 months, which  isn't stable at all.

I don't want  my PTSD and anxiety to be my motivation to do things, it is so unhealthy  and counter productive. I don't want to keep breaking myself and my  emotions just to do things that are simple for others.

Thank  you for reading and I hope that something comes out of this. I will  also probably delete this post in the future because of my anxiety, but I  will appreciate any help!