i feel like everything i do is motivated by shame and guilt and trying to please someone else. i literally got lured into a cult because of my desperation to please others as a teenager, and i really dont feel like ive learned much since then. i dont know if i would have gotten out if i hadnt split on the person who brought me into it.

right now, i am always trying to make sure i have the approval of my girlfriend and a few friends. ive gotten better at expressing my own opinions on things regardless of if they would agree with me or not but i am still constantly monitoring them for a reaction to everything i say and start mentally panicking and trying to compensate for it if i think something i said didnt go over well, especially now that im aware i have a mental health condition that often causes people to hurt others on accident. its in my head about 90% of the time though, and im just assuming any negative emotions the person might be feeling are caused by me. i feel like im driving myself completely insane, and over the pandemic i feel like ive lost even more of my social skills only having my girlfriend and fp around to talk to most of the time.