i truly just have to vent this out because no one around me understands what i am going through. every single day i am terrified of getting sick or hurt, but mostly dying. sharing a few things which are bothering me, in hopes that someone can relate or give advice:

the biggest “symptom” which is scaring me to death is a dull (sometimes burning) chest pain which only comes when i’m about to fall asleep or rest. (it’s located on the right side in a particular spot) i’ve tried telling myself it’s only stress, or just weird muscle spams, or convincing myself it’s pericarditis, since it comes and goes. still, every night i feel like dialling the paramedics since i fear that i’m having a heart attack. in the end i just talk myself out of it because i know it’s not life threatening, but i still can’t stop getting into this spiral. i am afraid to visit places or sleep where i know the hospital is far away. when i travel, it’s the first thing i check.

i spend most of the day distracting myself with work and such, since otherwise i’m overthinking every little sensation in my body. i can’t relax or just be. resting for me is triggering my anxiety which doesn’t make any sense.

(TW: ED)
for example i also have anxiety right after eating (like “what if i am allergic to this but i just don’t know yet? what if this will make me sick?”) and just spiral once again and have a full blown panick attack where i feel as if i can’t breathe or swallow. i feel my throat swelling as if i’m truly having an allergic reaction, but obviously i’m not allergic and i know this!!! i am healthy but my mind can’t accept this fact. i am scared of eating and thus developing an ED again because of this shit.

i’m even scared of overdoing vitamins. fucking vitamins!!!

had to take a painkiller the other day, only to spend the rest of the day worrying that i’ll get severe side effects and get hospitalized because of it. i rarely take any pills, rather just endure the pain or discomfort i am in.

i could go on, but you get my point.

and yes, i will visit my doctor. yes, i know i need to go to therapy. just please, someone confirm that i’m not alone in this hell hole.