I know a lot of the posts here have very little answers but that's fine. I don't really talk to anybody about my struggles and things I'm dealing with and most of the time like to skip the conversation so I thought I might try on here discussing (this will probably be very long). Ever since high school I wasn't really bullied face to face but people just like to liked to talk behind each others back behinds and i was a victim. I started to distance my self from friends after school, I never got a job or girlfriend or even kissed a girl in my life. I am turning 21 soon. I wasn't a weird kid growing up but I certainly am not a looker and got made fun of my appearance which is my tiny hands and square head and having more Estrogen than a woman and Small pp. basically anything that is manly, I look like a bitch. I'm not diagnosed but i know I have autism with the way i act, mood swings, and a monotone when i talk and constantly getting annoyed with any inconvenience. When i really started to know how i was different. It really hurt me bad. 

But yeah I've just been home doing the same shit, watching videos, movies, games, eating, sleeping, shitting since 2018 (HS grad). Rather repetitive eh? at some point i just accepted I'm different and don't meet other people's energy and staying home and watching other people is my escape. Whenever I'm out when I'm not with a friend or family and alone i get anxious about just the way I walk. I overthink absolutely everything, It's really annoying and I'm barely ever chill. Don't want to say I have severe anxiety because I still can talk to people like chit chat but its all really mixed and not straightforward. I honestly think that I have a personality disorder like everything i say feels orchestrated. 

No motivation in finding a job or girlfriend AT ALL. Like I will always try to dodge discussions with my dad. A lot of people here have tried and talk about failing but I never even started! Just talking about this gets me really anxious and I hate it. I helped my father with his painting and while I CAN paint AND I feel good after finishing I just want it to end and go back home because I don't like painting. I'm going to be straight up saying this. It's so hard to convince me to find a job at the very least, You can say all the benefits and how it makes you feel better and how it is necessary but I still probably won't do anything about it. It really sucks and I honestly feel like I am doomed