Hi Bordies

I’m here to ask a few questions, to tell my story and see what you think.
[trigger warning: discussion of suicide threats]

So in my life I have had a significant number of romances with girls either self diagnosed or presenting symptoms of BPD. Most of these were short and dramatic, with strong feelings from the start but also a toxic pattern of fighting.
Within a couple of years, I had 2 separate former partners threaten to commit suicide after we broke up (was mutual in one case). Both times over phone/skype. A former partner was quite abusive and controlling as well. The environment I was in at the time was quite rife with drugs and I suspect that drug users are often trying to escape some internal pain. 


But that was a few years ago and things have started to seem much better. My life got back on track and I have a girlfriend who seemed like the sweetest girl in the world. She [22F] has a close relationship with her parents, no history of ED / self harm, no major trauma in her life. At the start of our relationship we were open and I guess I didn’t take things too seriously- it started out as just sex but then she started to take care of me really well when I visited and I realised what a sweet person she is. We grew closer and made it official about a year ago.

In that time a lot has happened, some good and some very bad. She has been suffering a lot with anxiety and sometimes with depression. She’s struggling at university, and found being back in her home country really difficult. I also fucked up badly in our relationship, screwing someone else without a condom and she contracted Papilloma. This has been a long running issue; rightly so. I could never apologize enough for it. But I do apologize and I do try and be a better partner. 

There are shortfalls in my behavior, like sometimes flirting via Instagram, but that’s as far as it has gone since we’ve been serious. 
Things were going great until she came back home, searched thru my phone and found messages, and also is under stress with exams, which is a major trigger factor for her anxiety. 


Since then her behavior has sometimes got out of control. She started scratching me one night in bed cos she was so angry with me. This escalated to a full blown fight where she drew blood and after that she tried to grab drugs and take an overdose. I had to hold her down and she started shaking uncontrollably. 

Another time I told her about something that happened in the past (she broke up with me and i had sex with someone else) and she totally trashed my room, ripping up anything she could find like cards from her, tissue paper, even sticking sanitary pads onto my wall. She says that’s a culturally normal thing for her (from S America) but it scared the shit out of me and so did her scratching. But then a few days later she often seems much better and super sweet and smiley again. It’s so hard to understand these two totally different people and there was a huge question in my head that i was trying to avoid. 

I just figured she was having a tough time and our history (ie my shitty behaviour) had made things worse, until she mentioned she did an online test for BPD. This was a serious moment for me... but the opposite of a lightbulb. It was like all the light got sucked out the room because I remembered the realy traumatic experiences I had in the past. It made me think, “maybe this angry demoness is the new normal and things aren’t going back to how they were”. We discussed the idea she had this and went thru a checklist and she said yes to all of it but two. it doesn’t really fit with her biography because she had a very loving upbringing, but she definitely has the mood swings, impulsiveness and doesn’t get over things easily. She spent a month in her room crying after the incident without the condom (no exaggeration.) 

She also accused me of narcissim. This rang bells because my ex who had threatened suicide had accussed me of it as well. Do I have it? I don’t recognize myself in the checklist. I’m pretty level headed and empathic, tho I can have a nasty temper. I do things because I care about others and can br considerate, but not always. Is there a link between narcissistic guys and BPD girls? Does one atteact the other, or is it likely to be just an accusation to distract from her problems? What attracts me to girls who have strong signs of BPD? the really intense love at the start? 


About me: i went to boarding school and was badly bullied. That also fed a fear of abandonment that has kept me in toxic relationships. It was a pretty traumatic upbringing so no doubt I have unresolved issues, but the thing is most of my life is pretty in order. I have a good career, spend time on creative projects, nice friends. 


And yea, I know my actions were bad. I will truly regret them forever. Now we are having a break to think about our relationship and our future. Maybe we arent right for each other because she doesn’t get so angry around other people. She doesn’t have this evil side come out except to me.