I don't know where to start and probably nobody is gonna read this or care tbh but whatever. Ever since the pandemic my life has free fall into shit. I broke up with my ex at the beginning of this year in an act of self sabotage and ended with an yet undiagnosed and untreated depression that I probably have had for years now. I've really tried to improve my situation, I've attended a psychologist, I've gained weight, I've been going to the gym for 3 months 6 days a week, I've gone to more parties compared to previous years too, but everything has been worthless as at the end of the day I feel empty. I used to live with my ex in her apartment, I went there because of a fight I had with my parents and after break up I was forced to come back to their place, my family is highly disfunctional, my father is a psychological and physical abuser, and my mother is a hysterical, clean obsessed, envy and gossip person that defends my father even to this day, it shouldn’t be a surprise too that they have been emotionally neglecting my whole life.

Thing is, my mother always trashed talk my ex, even to this day, and she was the only person that has made me feel loved in I would dare say my whole life. My mother always complains that I'm eating too much food, that only a mentally ill person would go that much to the gym, that I spent too much time in bed, that I'm lazy and a shit ton of others insults like I look like I child and that's why people don't respect me (I'm 23, weight 53 kg now at 161 cm, used to weight 47 kg, I have a child's face and wear high prescription glasses). She even says that I make a shitty amount of money from my masters thesis scholarship, and that the psychologist apparently hasn't helped me.

Also I have acne so have tried to get into skin care but haven't seen very good results tbh, and nobody has commented on it either so it's disencouraging. So as you see, everything good that I try to do for my self is met with heavy resistance from my family and trying to push me down. I've very little friends too and practically don't talk to anyone. I've contemplated dropping from college as I no longer like what I've studied (astronomy),  and would get paid shit if I even find a job.

I have no hope for the future, the only thing I look forward to right now is playing God of War Ragnarok and that's it. I have contemplated suicide several times by now, sometimes I just find myself thinking of ways to do it, but I don’t think I'm brave enough to do it, so I just wish that I could sleep forever.

Sorry if my english is bad, I'm not a native speaker, or if this text isn't very well written, I didn’t take a second look at it.