For a few years I’ve wondered if I have bpd but I’m not quite sure. 

I’m 31 and have been single for 3 years (one reason I don’t think I have bpd - I actually enjoy being alone now, although I used to go from relationship to relationship since I was 18). 

Recently I’ve been talking to a guy for the first time in a few years and I’m pretty sure I split on him. He invited me to an event with friends of his I haven’t met yet, but I knew in this circle there was someone he talked to in the past. At one point I asked if she was there and he replied yes, “the one in the dress” aka this girl in a really short dress like she was about to go clubbing. Mind you, we’re Christian and this was a Bible study lol. 

We were all going to get food and I pretty much dissociated after that. It’s like an internal rage and I’m pretty sure everyone around me can feel it. He could feel it and knew something was wrong, but I can’t shake it when this happens. It’s like I have no control and can’t think logically. 

This has also happened in past relationships and only happens when I’m in a relationship or toward my mom (those I’m close to). I become rageful although I don’t act on it in front of strangers. This guy and I went to go talk in his car and I am able to remain calm, at least this time. 

In past relationships though I would become very violent, throw things, break things, name calling, leave etc. This also happens with my mom if I’m under stress and break basically. I always immediately regret it and feel shame - then feel suicidal most of the time. 

I’ve never self harmed though besides drinking in the past and driving recklessly or under the influence. 

This can also happen with roommates or anything that happens to wake me up. For example, a neighbor dropping a car off that’s being towed at 2am, ambulance/fire trucks, roommates being loud enough to wake me up before I want to in the morning. These are real examples that absolutely send me flying into a rage, but this is usually internal and I never act on it besides at times complaining to my landlord (then also regret it and feel shame). 


I just can’t wrap my mind around if this is a personality disorder or just my temperament. For perspective I am diagnosed with ADHD and i also have ptsd from past abusive relationship when I was 20-25. My temperament has been like this since I was a toddler though. 

I also do not have a FP and I would say I have a solid identity. I don’t change much besides struggling with adhd issues and career ideas throughout my 20s.