I've been doing reasonably well lately (I got out of the hospital again two weeks ago), but tonight is really bad. The problem is less that I'm feeling depressed and self-loathing (although that's not good), but that I'm acting out, being callous and cruel. I'm getting called on that behavior, which is both good and entirely deserved, but I wonder if I'm playing a complicated little game with myself to give myself a little bit of fresh shame. 

It's not as if I don't have plenty of other things to feel bad about or feel shame over. Does it sound odd for me to suggest that this is sort of like the psychic equivalent of physical self-harm (instead of burning or cutting on the outside, I'm doing it on the inside)?

Any ideas? Any suggestions?