I have had like one friend since I was 14, my boyfriends had always been my fp she was always just my bestfriend. Then about a year ago she moved in with me after splitting with her boyfriend. I was also single at the time so we spent a lot of time together and shortly after became my fp. 

It was really strange actually, before we were so cool and chill, now I was getting jealous that she was talking to boys even though i only saw her as a friend  because of the old abandonment issues.

There was issues too regarding her not paying me any money for the food bills ect me loaning her money she never really repaid, but if she hadn't became my fp I think I'd have been way more chill about them, we had similar issues before but it was always a quick argument then we'd forget about and it was like it never happened. 

My bpd brain put so many expectations on her, I thought of things regarding her I had never thought of before. And with that meant when we got into tiffs about stuff, and it wasn't just a little argument, I would go on full blown offensive mode, I called her things I'll never forgive myself for. 

We haven't really spoke since she left, I asked her to move out because I was worried we were just gonna fall out with the arguements and I wasnt financially able to assist her anymore and she was able to stay with her parents, so it just seemed for the best. I've tried to speak to her a few times, I've also apologised because no mental health issue means its ok to be nasty to another, it was just a hard time for me in general, I was not long diagnosed, tryna work myself out. 

It's hard because a part of me thinks maybe its for the best, a lot of people have said she would use my good nature and she done me dirty a few times, but she was also there a few times when no one else was. And since high school I don't even talk to any "friends" I do text a few people but im not comfortable to even chill with other people alone for 5 minutes, we used to stay at each others for weeks on end and be sad when we had to leave, and I feel like shes just kind of left me to hang after I got diagnosed cause it was too much for her, which is fine she has to do whats best for her, but man it hurts. 

I made the mistake of trying to message her earlier, it was clear straight away she wasn't interested, she said she'd text me later and obviously later never came. 

I wonder all the time what if she didnt become my fp,  what if someone else was. Would we still be friends, would she still be in my life, and I'm sure the answer is yes, we weren't perfect but isn't that what friendship is accepting the good and the bad and loving them regardless. And the same goes for a few of my exes, of course some of us weren't meant to be but I think if they didn't become my fp and my brain didn't get all obsessed with them things would have been so different. I feel like that fp bond is just so toxic, your brain expects things that aren't possible, its f*cked.