Hello guys,

I joined this community about a week ago. After some consideration and a lot of observations, I finally feel safe to start a conversation here. Please pardon my English as it is not my native language and I am so self aware about this. It will be so much of help if any of you guys spot a mistake and do correct me. Writing in English is my passion and I really want to improve it.

Enough of that. So I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2012. I need to go into detail about this because I think it is important. During that time, I only managed to have 3 sessions with my psychiatrist. There are several reasons why I stopped visiting my psychiatrist but maybe some of you will think they were all petty.

1. I went to the first session with my late dad. He was the one who insisted me to go seeking for professional help. So at first the doctor was consulting me alone. When I was finished, he then called for my dad and I need to leave the room. I was like 'Is this a normal procedure?' I felt very uncomfortable that time and my mind started racing (?) imagining what could they  talked about me? I hate that and I believe it was so unprofessional to do that especially to a person who got a severe trust issue like me.

2. I am living in a Muslim majority country. So one of the advice/recommendation given to me by him is that I n,eed to pray extra hard as we are a Muslim. It can help your soul. He said. Okay I had enough of this 'common advice'. Trust me, in my country if you are diagnosed with any mental illnesses,the first respond you'll hear from your family/friends you need to pray and ask help from God. We paid this psychiatrist for his professional advice yet he dared to give a sermon to me.

3. I only knew I have bipolar because I checked online the medicine I got from the first session. The doctor didn't even told me what was wrong with my mind before that. When we met for the second time, I asked him do I have bipolar?He was surprised about that. At the end of this session he wrote me a letter indicating that I have Bipolar. I need that letter for my faculty as I was still a student and I had to skipped two semesters that time. And I'm totally forgot what happened for the rest of the session and even the third session. 

About the medicine, I only took them like for a week before I'm completely stop taking them. So I have been 10 years without any medication. I'm having difficulties to keep any routine even now. 

At the first few years I only knew I got Bipolar Disorder, until one day I came across a magazine article about bipolar and it came to my attention that there are three types of it. So I am still in the dark about what type of bipolar I had. It always crossing my mind that actually the doctor were unable to do a full diagnosis on me as I stopped seeing him. Or maybe I was supposed to finish all my medications and from that he can conclude something. Well it was my fault afterall.. 

Now I always feel like I'm in a void not knowing exactly what is wrong with my mind. It have already been 10 years and I'm not sure I'm getting better or worse. 

I want to continue writing but my mind is already exhausted for observing too many 'grammatical mistakes' I might have done. I used to write long messages only to deleted them in the end because I was so not confident with my English writing.

So I guess I better take a rest. To anyone who managed to read until here, I humbly thank you for your time.