a couple weeks ago the guy i was seeing confirmed we won't be seeing each other anymore. we hadn't seen each other in over 6 months so i knew it already but i'd held onto hope because he's the only person who's ever even come close to loving me and i just needed to believe it was still possible. i thought i was ok but of course i had to get drunk the other night and text him about how much i need him and he sent me an email telling me how self centered and needy i am and how it's always about my feelings. he said i was a waste of his time. i think he said that mostly because he was upset (i said some harsh things in my drunk texts so it wasn't totally undeserved) but all i can think is that my favorite person in the world just sees me as nothing but a waste of his time. despite all his sweetness all the kind things he's said to me even as recently as our last conversation a couple weeks ago when he told me i had a good soul and told me all the good things about me that someone else would love. all i can hear is him telling me i'm a waste of his time

i just feel like i'm physically breaking and i don't think he'll ever understand that i feel everything a million times stronger than other people do and that his words leave me unable to do anything but cry and cry and wish i was dead. i don't see a point anymore. the only person i've ever loved will never love me. i don't know how i'm supposed to get through this or ever find anything good again. there's nothing good left, i'm losing so many other important things in my life at this time and he was the last good thing and now i've fucked it up and made him leave me too. how am i supposed to keep going? when will this stop? when will life feel livable and not like endless torture and pain? i don't have any idea why people want to be alive