 

no need for anyone to read that

I got a lot of problems and sucidal thoughts are nothing new but i knew seriosly considerd it because I need to protect my bf and best friend.

But sometimes I have this times where my head just doesnt seem to be there. I justr got my self in live threatining situations purposfully. Not carring or thinking.

And sometimes my thoughts just go wild and are incredibky overwhelming. There are so many thoughts at the same time. It feels so incredibly painfull(?). Its just pure torture.

It starts slowly is getting louder and louder. Until i cant move I cant even sh. I just lay shivering and silently screaming and cant move I shiver and sometimes I freeze. After a cetrain time. It can happen that I stand up, doing generic thing like going downstairs eating or plucking my eyebrows. I can respond. It just feels like Im remote control and I can still feel the incredibke pain, but ca't comprehend it anymore. So I just continue what I was doing. Im unable to call help or even show what is happening.

And both things: Mindless sucidal thoughts and sh and those moments of incredible pain are getting more frequent. And I just can barrely keep myself from seriosly injuring or killing myself. Its not the usual weight on my throat getting heavier. Its more sudden and Im scarred.

I just wished I could get help. My mother just keeps screaming at me everytime I just mention a psychiatrist and threatens me with dening me my ADD treatment or the diagnosis where I'm in atm (for autism). I wish I could just hate my mother but I love her and she's just sometimes like that. I just don't trust her. Shes unpredictable. She goes from the nicest person to a monster in seconds and without reason.

When she discovert my sh (twice). She just started pressuring me for answers and treatens me with sending me away and goes over to giving me all the faukt for literary everything a day later. She allways believs me I stopped. Once I went away because I just couldn't anymore. She called me and told me to kill myself. She constantly screams at me for literary no reason.

I understand her beeing upsed with me beeing unable to cleen my room and getting up. I understand that she cant breathe. But I just cant and I dobt know why. But she also dosent understand how stressing the idea is that someone goes into my room. I couldnt even comfortably leave my bf into my room the first 2 years f our realtionship. I just hate it.

Honestly the thought of her going into my room is one of the reasons I never seeked help. Im in fear I had to stay at a clinic and my mother cleans up my room.