Backstory: I've been researching BPD for a few months and I meet every symptom on the DSM list. I thought I was going to see a therapist but my mom said no and thinks it's a waste of time. I relate to pretty much everything that people with BPD have shared.

My relationship has gone into the shitter all because of me. Since May my attitude and my angry outbursts have gotten so bad that my girlfriend is on the brink of breaking up with me. My mental health has suffered greatly since 2021 started. I got bullied a lot especially in the last few months of school because I'm trans in a transphobic school (trans man). Because of everything and my rapid mood swings and abandonment issues I've started to become a dick and act like one to my girlfriend.

I feel extremely guilty when I am like this and I hate being mean to her. I just can't help it and I try to stop but it's so hard to calm down. It's hard to breathe and calm down when I just wanna bash my head into a wall or cry until I can't anymore. I'm a very emotional person and I cry anytime I get overwhelmed, so it's hard to not cry after getting mad. This is seen as guiltripping to my girlfriend. She's tired of it and tired of treating me like a baby. It's hard to express my emotions when I feel like I'm just manipulating my girlfriend.

We are on our second break, but for real this time. I haven't talked to her on the phone since last night. And I've been crying pretty much all day because of how heart broken I am. It all happened because I got upset that she didn't wanna hangout with me but was most likely going to see her friend and party and drink again for the 3rd night in a row. I had been trying to see her all week so naturally I got upset :(.

I feel like when she sees her friends she gonna leave me. Even though she won't. But this has gotten to the point that she's done with it and doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't want to break up at all. She's my person. My everything. And I don't wanna throw a year and 2 months down the drain either. I just feel so bad. She's deciding on what she wants to do with us and I'm letting her. But I can't help but think it's all my fault.

It's gotten to the point that I want to self harm. And I've never been driven to actually do it. But I almost did last night. The only thing stopping me was the pain and they I had a doctor's appointment today. I haven't eaten and can't stomach anything. I feel so shitty. It feels like my world is ending.

I'm sorry for the rant and thank you for reading all the way if you did :). I just want to know what to do or how to deal with things. I just want my girlfriend back.