Please help. 

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gotten diagnosed with bpd, but I suspect it. 

My boyfriend is completely drained by me. He is very sad, and feels trapped. And it breaks my heart. I love him more than anything. I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy. But I frequently have terrible emotional outbursts. My biggest fear is being manipulative, hurtful, toxic or abusive. I do everything I can to not be a bad person. It is my biggest fear. I just want to help. I don’t want to hurt.

My heart is broken because no matter what I do or say, I have hurt him a lot. He says it is very draining and that he never gets a break. He knows it’s not my fault, but he can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what to do because I feel out of control. I do everything I can to not directly hurt him. He is so precious to me. However, I frequently break down and I am not able to handle ANYTHING. I can’t handle a job. I can’t handle school. I can’t handle basic needs.

My boyfriend said something that broke me.. he said that I can’t handle anything that’s not in my control...Anything outside of myself...Whether it be him, or school, or work .... And I can’t believe it but it must be true.  It makes sense honestly. But I don’t want to be like that..

I can’t express how much I want to be good ... I want us to be happy. I never ever ever ever want to hurt him in any, way shape or form. But it always ends up happening. No matter how hard I try. I end up ruining everything.

He says there’s always something that goes wrong. Every day. I ruin it somehow. words cant describe how broken i feel.. I know that sooner or later he will leave, and (I will NOT tell him this, I know it is abusive) But if he leaves I will kill myself, no and ifs or buts.. he is the only thing i have , my last hope for my sick, broken life ... I have no words.. i have nothing left..

I am genuinely at rock bottom. And considering all of the pain, suffering and trauma i have experienced in this joke of existence.. thats saying a lot. 

i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. i feel crazy and stupid and horrible i cant handle this. its been going on for so long. i have lost all hope. Im terrified. im heartbroken.. i dont even know how this is going to help. i feel so stupid and humiliated for even posting this

i just need help