

Hey.. first thank you for reading this.. i really need some advice.. it is a long story..

Okay so i am twin with a boy (i’m a girl) and we were always very close but there was always something.. i’m living in his shadow.. i’m very shy so when i was young i didnt have a lot of friend.. i always followed him and his friends.. 
When we were young we always slept at our grandmother and grandfather and there only 
where boys in our street so i always played with them and my brother.. then there came 2 girls in our street after a while.. i become friends with them but not for long because my brother was in love with one of them en then suddenly they dont wanted to talk to me anymore.. 
so this happend with every friend that i made in my whole life.. all my friends did come to me that my twin did something sexually that they didnt want.. things that are really not okay..
i always choose for my twin ofcourse and every friend that i made were leaving me.. 
(This is a story that you needed to know for the real story that i’m gonna tell now) 

So when we were like 4 years old he had a friend who was in love with me.. one day he walked away sad so my brother followed him.. he asked what was wrong.. he told my twin that he wanted to have sex with me because he saw it in a movie.. 
so they came together to me that i needed to show my private spot so he would show his.. i dindt know what anything off that was at that age.. so i dindt know what to do.. my twin sayd that i need to show and that he needed to be with it because he needed to know for sure that it would happend.. so we did.. after i needed to tounge kiss with him.. so i did.. after that i needed to lay on him without pants and i needed to move aroud his private spot because he saw that in the movie to.. 
Then i needed to put his thing in my mouth but thankfully my grandfather came outside.. he saw me on that boy without pants and he was so mad.. he took me inside and told my grandmother and her friend who was there two.. i was so embarrassed for so long.. 

My twin and i always slept together and taked bads and showers togehter because that is what you do as brother and sister.. when i was growing up there came a time i dindt want it anymore..
He missed me but accepted it.. then i was one night getting ready for bed and he walkes in when i had no clothes on.. i screamed and cried but he was just standing there in shock but dindt go away.. then my mom sayd he needed to go.. 
(There where always small things like this) 

When we were 12 years old i was almost raped by my almost stephfather.. this was the first time he was going to sleep witj my mom.. but when i walked upstairs he didnt ho this her room.. he immediately go to my room and layed down in my bed.. he sniffed my stuffed animals and didnt sayd i needed to put on my pyjama’s.. he keeps saying take off your shoes and more stuff like that.. my twin was in my room to but did nothing.. 
my mom was waiting in her room.. so she finally came to get him.. 
he did some things days later but that is not what the story is about..
Not very long after i had a childish relationship with my twin his friend.. (i was very late with growing up in sexual things.. i guess because my mother always had a thing for bad guys and they kreeped always on me) 
So my twin i and his friend where running in a appartment building then his friend wanted to talk to him.. so they came togheter to me and sayd.. so you have a relationship for a few weeks now.. so you have a chooce.. or he may tought you wherevery he wanted of you need to tounge kiss.. i dindt wanted anything of that.. so i sayd i dindt want it.. he keeps saying i needed to.. so after a long time argruing i dindt take it anymore so i run home to my mom  crying.. 
when he came back and saw me crying he didnt give a damn.. 
the same year whe did go to group 8 of school so that means there are coming a whole new class to our school (we where group 8a and they group 8b)
I dindt had friends and this was my change to make new one that dindt know anything about me.. so i made a few.. i was so happy.. till one day he told everyone that i was the favorite kid at home and that i was a terrible person.. so everyone hated me for that.. (one friend stick with me but all the other ones leaved) 
(And actually he was always the favorite of my mom and grandmom.. i only was the favorite for all my stephfathers but i wasnt happy about that either) 
We did go to the first grade and then i made friend very well.. but every fucking friend i made he did something sexualy that they don’t want so when i choose him every one leaves me.. every time i made a new friend this happend.. 

So now the real deal.. 

My twin always walked in the middle of the night when i was sleeping with my friend.. (all of them where saying this and i waked up from it one time so i know they dont lie to me) 
When we where 17 we became really close because he let me smoke weed and i changed in a much better person.. 
He was the best friend i ever had.. i mean whe where exactly alike and had made a friend group of his friends and my 1 friend.. and he helped me with my depression.. so because of him and the friendgroup i was doing a lot of drugs.. (weed and drugs make you see things trough that you never know before) 
So i really fell in love this time with one of our group.. (age 18) 
I was so in love and my twin feld like i replaced him..
So one day me and my boyfriend where home alone.. so i guess you know what that means.. because we where home alone i made a loud noise.. but then my twin just walked in..  
my boyfriend looks him right in the eyes and saw that he saw everything.. 
my twin sayd he dindt see anything.. ( what he always sayd when he walked in when i was chaning clothes) 

So after that and that he was saying stuff to break me and my boyfriend appart and creappy stuff like he thinks my scream while sex is fun and much more stuff like that.. 
me and my boyfriend were talking togeter about this and bacause we both knew him so well in different kinda relationships we came to the conclusion off this whole story.. (i always thought he is my twin and dindt mean it that way) 
So now we find out everything we wanted to comfirm him with this.. 
he was going crazy like rolling around the flour (he was doing a lot off drugs) 
He said non of it s true and i needed therapy.. 
(I was kicked out my house and moved in to my mothers house that is a really nasty mess because she used it as a warehouse) 
So we he did go back to my old home and i didt see him anymore for i while.. then my mother was losing the house so i moved in to my boyfriend parents house for a half a year.. then i missed my own place and stuff so i asked to my father if i can come home again.. he was okay with it but my twin already had my room so i only got a bed in my twin his (chill room for his friends on the attic) 
I had no privacy because his friends where always over so i was with them.. 
i begin to forget about everything my twin did and we were beginning to be friends again.. 
then he was doing weird again and again.. I thought it was weird but accepted it.. 
then he was kicked out off the house and moved in the the house of my mon that she can ceepe with a lot of luck..
My twin was only coming in the weekend when my father was gone (i was not allowed to when i was kicked out and I actually needed to give my key.. but my brother was really mean to my dad and the reason i was kicked out was because my twin dindt lay the key of my mothers home unterneet the dourmath.. so i dont get why my dad was so mean to me but not to him..

Now last part of the story.. 

Not long ago (now age 19) i was ready with showering and i was changing.. then i saw his face staring at me from one room under the attic (i dint have a door) i screamed and he said he was just saying that he was going to leave.. so i cried for a long time and told my boyfriend about it.. 
He was so mad and really wanted to punch him in de face.. i sayd not to.. 
So i ignore my twin when he was around..
I had nightmares and i’m scared every time i need to change so i’m not good at all right now.. 

Today my brother was coming home and he maybe had corona so i said he better leave.. he didnt want to and we start arguing.. then we were coming to this topic and again he denied it..  he was mad and sad.. he sayd he wanted my boyfriend died beacuse he thinks it all his fold.. 
He says what do i need to do that you believe me i dont see you that way?! Kill myself? 

I screamed no ofcourse not! 
He was sitting down the floore and strated to cry so hard and sayd a few times what is this life.. i didnt thought i would lose my twin today.. (because i sayd i’m moving to another country and never wanted to see him again.. i had a depression angry attack that i dint had in a long time and i was choosing myself for the first time.. so we talked for i while and now i dont know what to believe.. i want to believe  him so bad because i love my twin ofcourse so much.. but the past is what happend and i dont know what to trust now.. 

He wanted to talk to our older sister about it.. so i called her if i can talk to her tomorrow (with just the 2 of us because when my twin is there, he is going to change my mind just like he did today.. 

I think my sis is not going to believe this and that she loves him to much just like i do to really believe he is like this.. 

So i dont know what to do and maybe one of you have tips or something??.. 
if not that is no problem this is on me and i really thank you for reading this long story.. 
thankyou!!🙏🏼