I feel like I'm able to function way too much for my own good.

I've started therapy three weeks ago and due to work-related reasons I had a lot of free time to think for the last almost two months. I realized how I had completely "forgotten" about BPD and my actual issues for a couple of years because I was so focussed on functioning and not letting anyone or anything get in the way of that or notice how I really feel.

Although the last few weeks were often very dark, I feel like it's something I need in order to move forward with this disorder.

This is now my last week at the current company and I'll start somewhere else next week. I know it will be a lot more demanding than what I've been doing the last 3 or 4 years. I'm very afraid that I won't be able to "afford" getting into a dark place for the next X months or maybe years. There will definitely be a lot less possibility for slacking off in order to think, for having a bad mood, for being emotional, and so on.

I'm afraid I'll completely fall back into function-mode, quit therapy again because it makes me perform worse at work, becoming a hollow shell again that only exists to work and function.

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you manage that?

I guess a common answer would be to "schedule" some time for myself on weekends or in the afternoon after work of whatever. But I can't "schedule" my thoughts and feelings, I can't just start having deep thoughts on saturday morning out of the blue and then turn them (and/or the ensuing depression) off again sunday evening.

Any tips?