CW: Mention of Self Harm, Suicidal ideation, Suicidal


Tonight was supposed to be THE NIGHT.

I had been denying the thought of it for 6 years. (2014-2019)

I had slowly, on occasion, allowed the thought to surface for brief periods for 1-1.5 years.(2019-2020). I impulsively nearly attempted.

It had progressed to stay on my mind more often than not for 1.5 years (2020-2022). I started mentally planning the act and didn't follow through due to a promise made.

It became a constant within me, always present in varying levels of intensity (2022). For months, the intensity was strong. For a month long I was set and actively planning to follow through. It got delayed due to an external vital factor not working out as it should. The date, time, place, method, funeral, post life procedures were all nearly set until my partner's parents informed me that they wouldn't be around when my partner returned from an overseas work trip (no one to pick him up and be there for him during the difficult time).

That's the only reason I am still here. I don't have more will or desire to continue living. I don't have a newly discovered sense of hope that this support group or that treatment or the new medication will make things better.

So 'NO' to my psychotherapist, whom I see on a weekly basis, I am not REALLY  'doing or feeling better'. I feel the same on the inside as I did during the weeks of being unable to do anything and crying and self harming. The only difference this week to those is that I am dissociating and disconnected from expressing all of it outside of myself. The thoughts and feelings are still there. 
You, Therapist, telling me how happy you are to see that I am doing 'better', just makes me feel even more alone and unable to adequately express myself since you have made the conclusion that I am doing 'better'.

P.S. I see my therapist on a weekly basis for the past few months because she is someone I can be more blunt and honest with and not worry about their reaction.


To end off (pun intended)
I don't want to die, but I want to stop living.

It's exhausting, confusing and overwhelming more often than not.

I don't think these feeling are going to go away, not until I do.

Vent over, thanks for reading.