For some background: I had a really emotionally abusive ex. He gaslit me to the point that I don't trust my memories from yesterday. He used me as a sex thing, wouldn't commit to a real relationship - we were just 'exclusive fuck buddies'. But if I spoke or even looked at another man, I was cheating on him. He raped me, non-violently, but it was still rape. He threatened me. I only got out of there when he eventually chased me out to my car after telling me to "fuck off, cunt" and I tried to fuck off. To this day, I can't see a man who looks like him without experiencing some sort of anxiety or panic attack. Before him, I was in a long-term relationship, for nearly six years. So I haven't really dated until now.

I've been 'seeing' this guy for the last few months. We've probably only gone on three or four dates, though we have more coming up (going to see Hans Zimmer, I'm so fucking excited). He's absolutely lovely and knows about the BPD. He knows how much work I'm putting into myself and he seems to be okay with it. I haven't really committed because I just don't know how I feel. Because of all the above shit I talked about, I just.. relationships scare me. I'm happy being single, being a crazy cat lady, being in solitude. It gives me comfort to know the only people I have to deal with are at work, and this way I won't accidentally relapse or have an episode that'll end up hurting someone, myself included.

Tonight, this guy mentioned playing a video game together. I assumed he meant right then and got pretty pumped about it, so when he told me it actually wouldn't be for a day or two I was immediately wounded. I know, 100%, that this isn't on him. At all. It was just a miscommunication between the two of us, and that is okay. But I still started splitting. I recognised it and kept telling myself logical reasons and steps to take to calm myself down. I instead managed to turn the split onto myself and am now in a hypomanic but extremely low self-worth state. 

I am terrified that something so small set off splitting for me. I haven't dealt with splitting in two years. *Two years*. And it's happening because of something that isn't his or my fault, something so small. And it screams to me that I'm not ready for a relationship, that I need to work on myself more before I commit to anybody. And I know he'd stick around just to be my friend because he's a good person, but I don't want to put a BPD burden on him.

I don't know what to do. I hate this disorder. I hate it. I hate that I'm mildly autistic as well and just don't understand how to deal with this stuff even when it's, at its base level, 'normal'. I hate that I've got GAD and BPD and autism and I'm just not capable of dealing with everything all at once and I feel so overwhelmed with everything that is going on. It feels like it's too much. I'm sorry for ranting. I just needed to get it out. I don't like feeling like I'm trapped in a box with no way out and no air to breathe. I don't want to hurt people but I especially don't want to relapse into emotional abuse and hurt him that way. I thought I was doing really well at being, well.. *not* BPD-ish.

What do I do?

tl;dr Started splitting over something very minor, doubting my ability to be in a relationship if *that* is setting me off. Post is mostly ranting. Just need some advice on how to deal with this stuff. 