tw: sex &amp; self harm

it’s been a really fucking hard month. he got a girlfriend within the same fucking week that we broke up, and that basically broke my heart even more. i hypersexualized myself to others and i regret it so much. i thought i’d feel better having sex with one of his friends/my plug but it didn’t really help at all. i sexted with a fucking twenty one year old while being a seventeen year old and it grosses me out now thinking about it. whenever i’m high i know that i don’t need him anymore and that he can just stay being one of my best friends,, but when i’m sober it’s the complete opposite. i still talk to him everyday and idk if that’s really good for me,, we have arguments every few days which has never fucking happened until we broke up and sometimes i just find myself wanting to be a bitch to him for the way he’s treated me. he cheated on me last year and i stayed,, and after we broke up he told me everyday of our relationship he lied to me about how he was feeling or what was going on because he didn’t want me to be upset or didn’t want me to get pissed off at him or some other reason. i still sit awake imagining what we could’ve been,, and how badly i miss literslly everyrhing about him. i’ve deleted pictures of us together but i still wear/use/read everything that we’ve shared together. it took me until today to even think about taking off the promise ring he gave me oh so many months ago, but i can’t imagine looking at my hand without it at this point. i’m aware that he’s treated me like shit, and how much i don’t deserve how he treated me, but i think i’m still slightly in love with him. he called me manipulative and a bitch the other day and it basically just past by me because of how much i love him. i can’t just cut him out of my life, we’ve been through so much together,, we’ve grown together. i haven’t seen him in like four months now and it’s been some of the fucking worse months of my life. just in the past month i’ve thought about cutting myself more than i have in almost all of my life. i’ve never thought out how exactly i’d kill myself until this past month, and it’s crazy to think that it’s all because of me being fucking obsessive. i just want him back.