First post here. Still new to reddit and learning. I, 44f with bpd, have been in a relationship for 20 years, 43m. We have raised 5 kids together, 3 from my 1st relationship and 2 together. We fight a lot.  Stupid things that would be nothing are always a big deal. And not from my perspective. My boyfriends temper is extreme. He screams and yells. He destroys items and punches holes in walls. Ripped a door open and broke it to our camper, because I wasn't unlocking quick enough as he was raging. Because i was scared. He calls me names when we argue, bitch, whore, stupid, fucking cunt, idiot, tells me to stop being a baby, they are just names. This has happened in front of our kids and when they can hear. And when I would mention them hearing, it was always,  if I don't want them to hear then shut up, you are making me act this way. All of that has always been fine in his eyes. But me.....if I cry its too much and why are you behaving this way. If I yell I am dramatic. I am mean and manipulative. 

I do have BPD which I have usually under control. The past couple of years it has been much harder. I am in the worst low I have been in ever and can't find a way out. 

I had been trying to walk away from the relationship for a couple of years now. I just can't deal with everything always being my fault. When I told my bf in Jan 2020 that I was leaving in the summer when the lease was up. He begged me not too leave. The kids were all going to be on their own. He said that we could go and #vanlife and travel. Which has been my dream forever. Twenty years of being told we can't move because of kids, house, work. Finally we could. I was so excited. I couldn't wait. There was a spark and energy that had been missing for years. So we went and bought an RV. Started making plans on social media and workamping. Told everyone that we knew. 
       Then we went and parked it 20 minutes from where we lived at my (abusive) mother's house. And where I was assaulted by my ex. And sat in her yard in it and did nothing. My mental health started to take a dive and I started to spiral.  A couple of months pass and he tells me that we aren't going anywhere because there isn't a proper set up. He can't deal with sleeping on an air mattress. There are no real curtains just sheets. 

I asked him why that after years of living in houses like that due to lack of finances was ok. Sheets for curtains, we have always had a mattress on the floor, never owned a bed frame. There was a five year period because of no insulation in our room we had to sleep on separate couches 6 months of the year. He replied with it matters now. And he wasn't going to live that way. 

It is now 5 months later and we didn't go anywhere. It is cold here. We have been in a cheap motel and just moved into a bachelor apartment. In the same place that we have been for twenty years, where he has spent his entire life. Signed a year lease. I am heartbroken and miserable. 20 years I put up with crap thinking that I would finally be put first. 

I have been crying alot because I don't understand why what was good enough for his family isn't good enough for him.  And in this bachelor apartment we are....sleeping on an air mattress with the same sheets from the camper up as curtains. But I keep being told by my bf to suck it up and deal with it. Stop crying. Stop being miserable. I don't know how to. Please any advice. 

My bf promised something for years and can't understand when he didn't why I am upset and triggered.