I (F21) have so many good things happening for me in my life right now. A month ago my boss offered me my dream job and I’ve been doing a course to upskill for this position (the course itself is on something I am extremely passionate about and I feel like this job is my destiny, it also pays extremely well) and I might be approved very soon to move into a house on the beach front but despite all of this I am for whatever reason incredibly depleted, colourless, low and depressed. I am trying to form new neurological pathways by forcing myself to express gratitude to the universe for my successes but I feel like I’m drowning in nihilism about everything I have ahead of me to achieve. Ontop of absolutely zero energy and motivation to do the tasks I need to that I actually enjoy. 

I’ve noticed a lot of other symptoms that pop up before a manic episode as well like interest in reading history books/18-19th century literature (which isn’t something I normally seek outside of mania as I don’t read much and haven’t since high school), interest in online conspiracies, heightened sense of spiritual self over others and an absurd burst of creativity/desire to produce. To clarify, I don’t feel manic right now. I feel rather calm, slow and low. I am not engaging in these activities in a manic state but I somehow seem to pull toward these activities right before I fall into a manic episode. 

My manic episodes can span anywhere between 3 weeks to months on end unless I seek medication or wind up in hospital. At the height of mania I hallucinate visually, gain an astronomical/god like amount of self worth, hear voices/conversations in my head that aren’t me, black out, engage in life-ruining high risk behaviour and have massive spiritual revelations (that I am not ready to experience again)