My therapist is away until the first week of September and I feel so down :(. I usually see him twice a week, but now I won’t see him for three weeks. I did a clinical interview that was supposed to measure my attachment style on Friday and the interview was so disorganizing that I still feel like shit today (on Sunday). For the first time in a while, I’ve had to look at just how lacking my childhood was...I was super psychologically/emotionally neglected and emotionally abused. I was bounced around between relatives who had personality stuff themselves. My mom has a long history of childhood trauma and CSA/incest. My dad is really ill and unable to connect to people (autism and psychosis with some mood stuff but has never gotten treatment). It’s so hard to describe what’s wrong...on the surface nothing is because I haven’t been hit or starved. However, weird things will happen like my mom telling me that she tried to kill herself 4 years ago but say it as if she were reading a cartoon strip...then she was confused when I was upset. Everything about my life growing up was just so alien, chaotic, and bizarre. I would say that this is still sometimes the case.

I’m 30 years old. Still, I have this fantasy about how great it would be if 3-4 year old me, my teddy bear, and a big book could cuddle with my therapist. And he could read to us (teddy and me) until we fall asleep. And I wouldn’t be afraid of monsters because he’d scare them away. 

I wish my therapist and his husband would adopt me so that I’d know what it’s like to be in a family where people actually like each other. I feel insane that this is where I am right now mentally because I’m a 30 year old woman. I’ve never had a relationship with my dad even though he lived with me...I usually had to calm him down when he’d freak out (e.g. convince him I was okay when I was in anaphylactic shock so he wouldn’t freak out). I wish I knew what it was like to feel safe growing up. It’s not like my family was horrible on purpose—they were just so traumatized and messed up themselves that they have no idea how to treat other humans. I want to feel safe :( I’m tired of having to be the therapist/mommy for the people who were supposed to take care of me. And then I feel guilty because I’m a grown woman and I feel like I should be over all of this. I’m actually a real life therapist...which makes me feel even more guilty because I feel like I can’t be stuck in the mind if that lonely child if it is my job to help other adults face their own stuff :(.

I’m trying to be kind to myself, but it’s hard today.

For the past four months or so, I haven’t had the feeling of something crawling under my skin when going to sleep .... but it started again yesterday. I think it was the interview and my therapist’s vacation :(. I just wish I could take care of myself better.