 

TLDR: Need advice for fixing relationship with sister after years of breaking apart.

**Hi everyone,**

I have a problem with my sister that I would love to solve as it's really hurting me right now, but I desperately need advice for it. Let me explain everything from the start.

I am 20 years old (M) and I have one sibling (F), a 23-year-old sister.

Growing up, just saying that me and my sister had a really good relationship doesn't do things enough justice. We had a model sibling relationship, basically, we were an inspirational example in our region of how siblings should be towards each other, and the love and respect we had for one another was impeccable.

Despite the fact that we have a difference of three years in age between us, my sister and I were best friends, and understood each other so well. Being the younger sibling, I did give my sister a hard time on a few occasions in our childhood. However, regardless of that, she was literally the kindest soul ever, so nice, compassionate, and caring and I always felt safe and extremely happy whenever I was with her.

With that said, you may notice that I'm referring to everything in the past tense and that is because after a certain incident three years ago, the bond that me and my sister had has become completely crushed, the respect that I used to have for her has disappeared and I bet that the sheer love she had for me has gone away as well.

My sister has always been a very respected and accomplished individual who people in our area speak of very highly, while I just haven't had anywhere near the level of success or achievement that she has. While despite that, my sister never looked down on me and always told me that I have potential and can make it anywhere with hard work, the things that I heard from other people about me made me develop a really bad temper as well as attitude problems when I entered my teens. My sister was always a positive influence and always encouraged me to persevere and work up to my true potential, but for the most part, I was a troubled and unsuccessful student in high school, and that made me prone to a lot of bullying and emotional abuse from my peers.

Now for the incident I was alluding to, in the fall of 2019, I came back home from school on a day when I faced a ton of bullying and I had pretty much reached my breaking point. My sister was in her third year of attending university in a neighboring state during this time but she came down and stayed with us basically every other day, which was very awesome as I always felt very happy when she was around. My sister was home on this day but I came back in a rage and I was thinking very irrationally. The bullying I had faced that day and for the years leading up to it had taken its toll and I was set on revenge at that moment.

Once I entered my house, I grabbed a baseball bat from my room in a rage and when my sister saw me with it, I angrily told her that I was going to teach my school a lesson. She is very intelligent so it is no surprise that she immediately recognized that I had really bad intentions at this point. As she always would do when I was upset or just sad, she very kindly tried to comfort me and calm me down but my thinking process was just beyond irrational at this point in time. This continued for a couple of minutes and my sister kept trying to gently hug me but I aggressively just kept breaking away, and at one point yelled something to the effect of "I will kill those bastards" as I tried to leave the house.

At this point, my sister shifted from her kind demeanor to one that was demanding (which was completely out of character for her) and she immediately told me "you're not hurting anyone!" I kept yelling obscenities about my school in a rage and continued to try and run out of the house with the baseball bat in hand. As I angrily echoed my horrible intentions once again, suddenly right out of the blue, my sister punched me on the chin and I don't remember a thing after that. She has a good amount of training in martial arts and combat sports so I do recall that the punch was quite hard but I think I was out cold immediately after, in fact before I even fell back.

I woke up in bed several hours later not fully aware of what was going on. It was the next morning and the sun still hadn't come up so I assume it was around 6 am. The first thing I noticed was that my jaw had sharp pain and my chin felt sore and before long, I started having flashbacks about what happened with me and my sister the previous day. I was suddenly so shocked and felt betrayed. My sister, the one kind person who had never gotten mad at me at any point in my life, the one person who I loved and respected the most, the one person who had never even raised her voice at me let alone gotten physical, had just essentially stabbed me in the back.

As these thoughts were soaking in, my sister came to my room to check on me and she gave me a hug as she often did. However, given I was still shocked and very angry about what had happened, I yelled to my sister that she had betrayed me and that I would never trust her again.

She kind of just brushed aside what I said and kept up her kind and loving demeanor. She wrapped a heated piece of cloth around my chin and then apologized for having to punch me. She then went on to explain that she felt terrible as soon as I got knocked out but she was afraid that I was going to do something very brutal and end up getting sent to prison as a result, which is why she had to resort to using this method to stop me from doing something stupid and getting in trouble. She then brought up that she understood why I was mad at her and that I was justified in being that way but at the same time, she also told me that I'm not the type of person who belongs behind bars and that I don't deserve to go through any such pain. In hindsight, I completely understand what my sister's perspective was at the time given that she had to quickly do something to stop me from following through with my bad intentions, but my rage wouldn't allow me to understand this at the time.

Starting from that moment onwards, I can't even begin to explain some of the absolutely horrible things I have said to my sister over the years, even going as far as calling her a devil and the worst sister on the planet on many occasions.

For the first year or so after this incident, my sister stayed patient and just kept brushing aside what I said to her. She continued to love me and kept treating me with kindness but I just couldn't stop myself from hurling obscenities her way and being negative towards her. However, two years ago, my sister finally had enough and not only did she start answering me back whenever I was negative towards her, but the compassion and affection she had for me also noticeably started to gradually decrease.

I could just never bring myself out of the shock that my sister had physically harmed me and from that day on. my attitude towards her was nothing but negative and absolutely disgusting.

The final nail was put in the coffin last summer when my sister got married. This was obviously a very happy time for her and my whole family was very excited, but despite the attitude that I displayed towards her for two years leading up to that time, my sister sent me a beautiful letter in which she mentioned that I would be the honorary guest and that the wedding wouldn't at all be the same if I wasn't there. She apologized again in the letter for punching me a couple of years prior and the letter was also addressed "to the best brother ever."

Sadly, I was still blinded by the rage I had been carrying for years and despite her warm letter, I stated to my relatives that I would rather jump off a bridge than attend the wedding of such a horrible backstabbing sibling and I did hear that my sister ended up finding out what I said.

As for the wedding, it was held in the luxury of Las Vegas and I heard that it was truly a magnificent event and everybody who attended had the time of their lives. Everybody, except my sister that is. While she apparently tried to hide it in front of others, I have heard from some people that my sister cried on numerous occasions leading up to the wedding and often mentioned that she wished I was there. She repeatedly called me in the days leading up to her wedding as well but I purposely wouldn't pick up any of her calls.

A year has passed since her wedding, and I have never talked to my sister ever since but now I just can't take the pain of being so alone anymore. I went to a summer carnival a few days ago that me and my sister loved going to every year. Me and my sister regularly attended the carnival every single summer and I have always had the time of my life in that carnival with her. This is the first time that this carnival was held ever since 2019 due to covid, and the last time me and my sister attended it was about two months before the incident that rocked our relationship.

Attending the carnival yesterday felt nothing like what it used to be. I saw other pairs of people having so much fun with each other and my mind suddenly drifted toward my sister. I felt so depressed, alone, and for the first time in three years, I genuinely missed my sister so much. I was a loner at the carnival and when I get to bed, I cried uncontrollably all night thinking about her. Call it karma if you will, but the pain and sheer despair I felt that night and in the days since of being alone and not having anyone to talk to made me realize just how much I put my sister through when I didn't attend her wedding.

She may be living a very wealthy dream life now with a great husband, a great career, and a great job but I am inclined to think that me not attending her wedding definitely took a toll on her. I was told by a friend who met my sister about two months after the wedding that she mentioned that by not attending her wedding, I had proved that she meant nothing to me and likewise, she also said that I mean nothing to her anymore either. She has a very happy life and may have moved on by now without me but I most certainly have not.

I am entering deep depression thinking about how my stupid mistakes cost me my relationship with my sister. I miss her so much, I miss her love so much, I miss her kindness and compassion so much, I miss her sense of humor so much, and most importantly, I miss her being around me so much.

I know this was a very long read but I have no choice but to ask for help from you guys. The carnival is ending in a week, and what I always found to be the most exciting and memorable time of year has become the most depressing time this year without my sister around.

I want my dear sister back but I don't know how I can even get to her after the pain that I put her through. I know that I brought this upon myself and it was my stupid behavior that caused two siblings, who couldn't even live a minute without each other growing up, to cut off contact with one another entirely.

I need advice and guidance from you guys in this difficult time. I think my sister hates me now so if that is true, what should I do to win her love back and achieve forgiveness? I would love to go the carnival with her just like we used to every year but how can I get through to her and create a bond with her again? Also, knowing the circumstances that led to the incident which caused me and my sister to gradually break apart over the years, do you think my sister was right to deal with me the way she did or was I right to be mad at her for punching me?

If anyone can help me with this then thank you very very much!! I would really appreciate any advice or guidance from you guys to help me fix this situation ❤