Hey everyone,

I am a 33F from Canada. I have a great partner, and I am just starting my career which I worked very hard for.

However,

there are some days where I can barely keep it together. I start crying and the smallest thing will set it off (a painful memory, a note in a song, a certain kind of food or the way people say things). 

A couple of months ago my mother asked if I would donate my eggs and I have a lot of trauma from a pseudopregnancy I incurred when I was sexually assaulted for the 2nd time, and after she asked the question I cried for a week.

Since I was a little girl, I have been slightly depressed. I was born with congenital hypothyroidism where feeling "blah" is sometimes normal or status quo, but a few years after, molestation and sexual abuse occurred when I was a young teenager, along with divorce, and in my late teen years and early adulthood, rape and emotional abuse from prior relationships. I learned my mom's bf cheated on her this summer and wasn't happy when they got back together but I am getting used to it. I just felt I wasn't given time to forgive. 

I have a lot of anxiety around my loved ones dying and always worry when I will get that phone call. I am literally afraid to move forward. My bf is a widower and when he talks about his late wife some days I get sad or angry and feel second best. My moods fluctuate up and down and I get so angry that I lash out when I am reminded of trauma, especially when I am talking and someone interrupts or doesn't listen to me. I love my parents and boyfriend and the close friends I have but lately I have been feeling disconnected and it makes me feel like a terrible person. When I am asked a simple question I lose it. It's been a little challenging getting used to the new dynamic as this is the first time I've lived with an intimate partner. I want to show him I am a strong, secure woman but there are days when I feel so immature and codependent and a lot of my childlike characteristics are coming out (neediness, insecurity, crying). I am sure I am draining to my boyfriend and I hate dumping on him. I have been suicidal three times in the past 7 years, and this year I thought I would relapse into these thoughts. I'm very scared I will because my boyfriend has had past trauma with suicide when he was very young and has some strong feelings about it.

Please help! I'm exhausted.