Hi, I‘m new to this sub and I‘m so happy that I looked it up.

I‘m male, 25, gay and already married. I‘m a Relationship Banker at one of the worlds‘ largest banks and starting April I will work on obtaining a Bachelor‘s Degree via distance learning at an online university. I earn quite well for my age (and work experience) and we have a nice roof over our heads. We have a car, pets and future plans.

Everything is fine but still I feel like nothing about all of this makes sense. I‘ve been struggling with depression since I was 13 years old and still it really fucks me up at times. Most times I’m able to keep it together and swallow down all my emotions but at least once a month I break down crying and I question everything. I suffer from intrusive thoughts 24/7, making me question everything and yearn to leave it all behind – my husband, the job, the pets, my whole family – and try a fresh start somewhere far away. Sometimes I feel like everything leading up to this point has been one huge mistake I shouldn’t ever have made. I feel like all the weight of all our responsibilities lies on my shoulders alone. I do not feel loved enough by my husband due to a lack of intimacy. I feel so disconnected from my family. I feel like lately I have been solely functioning, surviving instead of living. I’ve been waking up, working, cleaning the apartment and sleeping – for over a year now…

I want to fix this but I don’t know how. Part of me thinks it’s the marriage making me unhappy. We married young and this may have been a mistake because I feel like I’ve been missing out on so many beautiful experiences because of it – sexually, emotionally and so on. Part of me still loves him and cannot imagine leaving. I don’t even know how to identify my own emotions. Is it my depression in my head, that evil little voice that tries to ruin my life by wanting to make me give up on everything I, we, have or is my unhappiness coming really from our differences? Would I be happier single again? I am so scared of making a decision and I’m so scared I already know the solution to my mental health problems… only a few months after our marriage my head started the downward spiral.

Is it my job? Is it the stress of working in Sales in a high pressure environment? Every time we manage to break out of the boring everyday life (vacations etc.) I always feel so lifted, like there’s nothing wrong. Don’t I deserve to always feel that way?

I feel so helpless it’s scary. Just yesterday I broke down crying in front of my husband. I don’t want to unload on him every time. I tried meeting people, I see a therapist but it only helps temporarily. I just want to be happy.