I’d like to post this because I’ve been thinking a lot about my time as a turbulent alcoholic with undiagnosed BPD in my teens to early twenties (I am 24). 

Through high school &amp; college, a typical weekend for me was to attend whatever party was happening at the local beach, or perhaps a house party, &amp; get absolutely shit-faced wasted. 
I was completely obsessed with how I presented to the “cool” crowd, which I was vaguely a part of. I wanted to be the sexiest, Realest, punk-iest, most desirable “alt” girl. These were secret obsessions but I tried way too hard, &amp; people kind of noticed. Girls *hated* me. I did not see it, but I was a pretty faced little wine-machine &amp; boys thought that was cool, so I developed most friendships with boys. I fucked a lot of boys too, especially after breaking up with a long term abusive boyfriend at age 18. He was not validating or kind to me, &amp; I cheated on him during turbulent mood swings. I let him sexually assault me, &amp; once we broke up I let many, many more boys sexually assault me; these instances are vague &amp; do not feel like sexual assault, as I was always so drunk, high &amp; delusional thinking that people wanted me after sex. 

***What I want to talk about though*** is the times that *I* committed sexual assault because I desperately wanted the validation. 

There were several times I begged my ex to have sex with me, &amp; he gave in. I drunkenly hooked up with a girl who was also too drunk to consent, &amp; she felt violated. I set my eyes on a boy for the night &amp; made it my mission to seek him out &amp; suck his dick. These things absolutely broke my heart, &amp; it wasn’t until I could accept that my desperate lust was actually violence, not only against these people, but against myself &amp; my whole character, that I truly could heal from the trauma I had essentially caused myself. I do not need that type of validation any more, it is no longer hidden to me; I see myself for who I am, which is not an object. 

I encourage anyone in the throws of seeking validation through dangerous sex *really* take a look your behaviour. If you are constantly being sexually assaulted, ask yourself what a safer, kinder frame of mind would do for you. If people have cut you off after sex, ask yourself did they want it as much as you? Did you act desperate? I don’t say these things to undermine anyone who has been sexually assaulted, but lifestyle is important in your safety. 

I do not feel connected to who I was from age 14 to 21. We are not the same person, &amp; that is perfect. 

Happy healing. X