Before anyone comes at me with "you're not. You can kys any time," they're missing the point. I'm suicidal but every plan I ever come up with is so painful and I can't bring myself to ever go through with anything. 

I've heard about the controversial euthanasia laws passed in other countries regarding BPD and other chronic disorders, and "lucid" I'm horrified because given the option, when I'm in an episode, I would take it without hesitation. I also know though that when I come out of the episode I don't want to die ( I'm usually suicidal all the time. It just goes from active to passive and back again).

The things I've done are abominable. Legitimately, I don't deserve to live for what I've done and I don't want to live. I was abusive in my past and recently a therapist brought this past abusive relationship up out of nowhere when we have two sessions left on my healthcare system with no aftercare. It's spiralled me and it's opened a can of worms that won't be dealt with by a professional so I'm on my own. 

In summary, I'm fucking tired. I only really talk to friends when I'm feeling bad and then I am off the grid the rest of the time. I'm a bad friend and a bad person. I know I don't deserve an easy death with all I've put everyone through, but I've become a version of my childhood abusers and I don't want to exist in this reality I've created for myself. If the only way I will leave this earth and everyone to be at peace finally without me here, then  an easy way death is better than me continuing to exist. I wish I could have that easy death but until I can find one, I'll have to keep looking for ways to go.