TW: Self harm

I have never been through something so awful in my life. 

Me &amp; my long-term boyfriend have had a complicated relationship. We've both made a lot of mistakes and hurt each other in many ways. I tried early on to establish boundaries so he wouldn't be hurt by my BPD but he wasn't cooperative at all. As a result, i've crossed pretty much every invisible boundary which should have been there &amp; as a result he's endured an incredible amount of pain and pressure. 

Three nights ago we were having a very difficult phone call which went downhill to the point that i was blackout drunk &amp; in crisis (my safety was in question). He chose during this moment to break up with me. After 2 years, &amp;no previous discussion.

After he hung up, i snuck out and rampaged down the street half naked, drank my way thru a bottle of vodka, smashed it and started breaking/throwing stuff, screaming at strangers. Then i picked up the glass and started cutting myself. i thought i wanted to die. Someone called an ambulance and they dragged me to the hospital. 

When i got home the next day I called him because i wanted to say sorry and move forward together. I told him I realized he matters most to me, and that i could be a better girlfriend. I thought there was ***no*** *way* he really meant to leave me that night.... but he did. In fact he said he felt "relieved". He said he needed time and didn't want to talk about it right now.

I don't know what to do with myself. This happened so suddenly. I'm not going to kill myself but i have no reason to go on. He was the only one who gave me any purpose, who gave my life any value. It hurts to come to the realization that you love someone more than they love you. I would do anything for him. I'd die for him in a heartbeat. 

And, for him to not only break up with me suddenly, but while I was in the middle of a crisis??? It seams heartless; evil even. Like he *left me for dead*. I feel beyond betrayed, and like he must not have cared for me at all.

I spend my days in bed half-sedated on ativan to keep myself from wanting to do anything stupid. I'm respecting his space, and i never told him about my hospitalization because i don't want him to think it's his fault. All i want is for him to walk through that door, climb into bed with me and give me a hug. Tell me he's sorry, he made a mistake, he still loves me and he wants to work it out. It's all i think about &amp; pray for, every second of every day. If that does not happen, which i'm pretty sure it won't....

well all i can say is i'm fucked