Don't feel bad if you don't want to read this or if you don't have the energy to respond. This is mostly for me.

For most of my life, I have been the quiet one in a group. So it hurt my feelings when my family blew off the fairly comprehensive document I left for them, hoping to explain why I was going to kill myself, and opted to immediately call and pepper me with a whole lot of "it gets better" and "you have to keep trying." It really pisses me off. If there were a competition for suicide notes, I'd think it would place high. On top of that, when I looked at the notes my therapist and psychiatrist made about me, they complained about the volume of what I had to say.

So, to spare a bunch of internet strangers, I'll put my stupid life in bullet points:

* Born to an unwed teenage high school drop-out. Father denied parentage
* Series of shitty boyfriends for mom, no stable father figure for me
* Exposed (accidentally) to my first porn before I could read, been hypersexual ever since
* Mom and stepdad were poor and bad with money
* Very few friends, very introverted throughout all my youth
* Horrible acne from before high school until early 20s. It's so bad I avoid mirrors and shave in the dark (it's still bad on my body)
* All of the above lead to basically no self esteem. Thought being sad was "just my personality"
* Parents developed coke habit. Moved us out of state before my senior year
* New town had no job prospects. Joined the military. Was merely okay at it (and hated it), and left after four years
* Moved in with internet girlfriend I met as a teen. Worked shitty jobs to get her through college
* GF and I had less-than-stellar upbringings and our bad communication skills made our relationship go sour
* Met another girl while I was in community college. We opened up our relationship to include her
* The three of us struggled for financial security, and fought a good deal. Somehow lasted several years
* Got a useless degree, couldn't get a decent job with it. After two years of searching, get a shitty office job
* Things are not great, but they are okay. I feel like it's all starting to turn around for me.
* Our third cheated on us. We tried to make it work, but the damage was done. She left
* Girlfriend got an amazing job across the country. Broke up with her because I realized I loved her, but was not in love
* Spent months alone in an empty house. Barely ate, but drank so much I mostly maintained my weight. Privately decided I would probably kill myself
* Ex-gf realized I was in trouble and had me come live with her
* Got involved with a rebound on the way. Turned out she's a pathological liar. Tried to make it work long distance anyway
* Slept on my ex-gf/best friend's couch while pursuing a second, more promising degree
* Isolated by the difficulty of school. Only make one decent friend. Have a silly crush on a barista, but don't act on it
* End the toxic relationship after 18 months of trying to balance it and difficult school program
* By chance, I found the barista on Tinder. I (secretly) fall in love on our second date. I learned from my mistakes and was basically boyfriend of the year
* Things are not great, but they are promising. This time, I'm sure, I will get on my feet and find contentment.
* She dumped me right a week before the end of the last, most stressful semester. She gives nonsense reasons and won't talk to me.
* I somehow finished my degree
* My final project gets 100% even though there are obvious flaws, leading to doubt about myself and the whole program
* I begin to wonder why I struggle, realize there's nothing I want from life and I no longer believe that I am capable of healthy love
* Promise my best friend I'll try anyway. Apply to dozens of jobs and never get so much as a phone call. Just form rejection
* Tried making it as a freelance coder. Can't compete with rates of third-world freelancers. Considered doing illegal stuff
* Spent months being severely depressed and carefully thinking about life. Decided it's not for me
* Did a "dry run" of a painless suicide method. It works, but when my one trusted friend stopped the process as planned, I seemed brain damaged at first
* Remain alive only out of fear that if the method doesn't work, I will be trapped in my body like that

I've tried talking to a professional, but it felt like I wasn't being listened to. At the time, it seemed like they were filtering through all the words I said to find the ones they could act on, like a chat bot. It was more painful than vindicating to find out I was right.

No one is quite sure what's wrong with me. Maybe quiet borderline, maybe double depression (dysthymia/major depression), maybe inattentive ADHD, maybe something else or all of the above. 

Quiet BPD seems to be the prevailing notion among professionals because of family history, my sick memory for events most normal people have long forgotten, my tendency to withdraw socially, and my odd rages (it brings me shame and regret to look back and see I could be verbally and emotionally abusive, even skirting physical abuse when arguments between my exes and I got especially heated). But not all my symptoms match up very well (e.g. I'm not sure I "split" on people; even when I'm angry at them, I can usually empathize with their position).  

My friend let me have some excess Adderall because it helped me perform at clutch moments in the degree program. That's pretty much the only reason I'm not utterly crippled. When the supply runs out, I don't know what I'm going to do. 

It's been almost a year since I realized I wanted to go. Nothing has gotten better and I'm in an empty house for another day or two before my best friend comes home from out-of-state. I'm thinking of rolling the dice.