Seriously. You get an education, get a job, do that job forever until you die. really? Is that it? Is that everything this all comes down to? 

I do like some stuff in life. But it's almost nothing and anything I do like seems more out of a need to like something. It just feels like life is so boring. I find something interesting, then give up after a week or two because I'm crap at it or it doesn't interest me anymore. How do people just find something and stick with it? How do they keep at it even when they're bad at it? 

My life doesn't suck or anything. It's just so monotonous. Just doing the same thing every day over and over and over and over again until I get to this stage again. Bleh. 

I can't help but feel I messed up from the beginning. Being so quiet fucked up my social skills. I don't go out because Im always so self conscious people are judging me. I know they're not, they don't care about me but I keep feeling that way. I have no true friends, just some people who I kind of mutually know. One who we have similar interests but we don't talk much anymore. Where is everyone? My group chat doesn't care about me. If I stopped talking on there they wouldn't care. They'd probably be happier. Whenever I join in on a conversation they slowly leave. And if I'm there they never have conversations with me.

Did I mess up early? How come everyone else manages to have big social connections but somehow I can't? I just minded my own business and that came back and bit me in the ass I guess. 

Friends are non existent, hobbies aren't truly fun, education is going nowhere, don't want to keep doing jobs forever just to earn money for something. What would I even spend money on? Idk food? A bed. Paying bills which I have no idea what to do. Maybe I'll buy a boat and go to somewhere where stuff happens rather than staying in this boring town. There's like nothing to do here. Just makes me feel like this is all there is. Just grey.

I don't know. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or not. I just can't help but keep thinking about how I don't really have much reason to keep going I guess. I don't have anything worth going through all this for. No great ambitions. Not even small ones. I'm just going where the river takes me.