I have no idea where to start with this. I am currently 20, and I get to live in a beautiful house, trying great food, etc. Life is supposed to be happy for me, but I have been depressed since my childhood. Even now, my depression still haunts me in my dreams. Ever since I was a child, my grandparents had been scolding me non-stop. While I do not remember what they said to me, I know they had good intentions. However, that did not help me feel better at all. Instead, I kept dying inside. Sometimes, I went into a fit of uncontrollable rage because of how they treated me. And that did not help. They continued to scold me anyway. To rub salt into injuries, I even got bullied a lot at school back then, to the point that I had a mental breakdown. It kept going like that every day. No matter where I was, I couldn't escape my nightmare. Back in 2019, I graduated high school and got into college. It felt like one-fourth of the burden was gone. In college, these people treated me better than those who treated me in high school. But at home, almost nothing has changed. I was still depressed, and my grandparents kept on scolding me. And as much as people in college treated me better than those in high school, I never made any new friends and had quite a rough time with my studies.

Several months later, my parents were able to afford a better house. We moved out, I thought I could finally be away from my grandparents, and the nightmare was over. I was wrong. It was at this moment, my parents started to become a problem. I still got scolded like a punching bag. And every time I show my depressed face to them, they always give me excuses, saying that their work is so much more stressful. I am not even sure if that is worse than staying home alone all depressed. One day, I let my depression get the better of me and shattered a plastic bottle, and guessed what my dad said to me? He told me to murder him, even though he knew I was depressed as hell. And it was at this moment, our father-son relationship started to get bitter and worsen over time. Another day, when I got angry, he said to me: "You are breathing as if you are fucking dying!" Well yeah, that is pretty much how I feel whenever I get near him. Whenever my dad tries to say something, his tone of voice feels like he is about to run a knife through my throat, even though I know he never had the intention to do so. And it just kept going every day. A few days ago, he shouted at me just because I could not find my clothes to wear at home. He always complains that I always nitpick on the most trivial matters ever, but it is not like he is not doing the same thing either. And my mom too. She never helped me get through with this at all. She even told me that she was going to seek me a psychiatrist, but she never did. To add insult to injuries, I was not doing so well in college, which put me into the grief of failing my family. Also yeah, as much as I don't think my parents are treating me well enough, I don't want to fail them either. And I forgot to mention, but I also have severe misophonia, in which whenever there's some kind of loud sound, I always get really pissed.

What I need now is someone who understands how I feel and helps me get through this. I just want to bring my family back together. Especially my grandparents, since they do not have much longer to live. I just want my family to be happy. Thank you!

Also, please don't be here if you are here just to make fun of me.