Lockdown at first was such a relief for me.
I was getting to live at my boyfriends mums house as my friends had forced a contract change on our house (without my consent). I'd realised which of my friends were real and which just enjoyed laughing at me.
I was somewhere where I was supposedly welcome, with the person I love, feeling safe and almost comfortable. My boyfriends mum moved to live with her partner about 2 months ago, so it was just us and things were amazing.
But she's recently kicked up a fuss; she wants to come and go as she pleases (despite defying government guidelines) and they had a huge fight. I am now being used by her as leverage, with her hinting that perhaps I should find somewhere else to go if my boyfriend is going to argue with her.

I feel so betrayed. For the first time in my life I thought that perhaps I was welcome and wanted somewhere. I now know that that is not the case.
I feel vile. I feel used. I don't feel comfortable or safe anymore. I'm waiting for her to personally tell me to leave. I'm scared.
All I can think of is hurting myself and how great it will feel. But I know it won't. She won't care, it won't be the sweet revenge I'm convinced it will be. And I can't get 5 mins to myself anyway.

I feel like I did when I was a small child at home, being constantly reminded that I should be grateful I have a bed. That I'm lucky to be inside.

I don't have anywhere else to go but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this. I wish I could end it but ultimately, I've not got the balls for it right now. I just don't feel I'm even worth the effort.

I'm sorry for posting this and I'm sorry if it's not right. I don't really know why I'm making this post, I'm just unsure how to keep going at the moment.