Was at a concert with my boyfriend and all was good. Night was going well and drinks were flowing. We get home and the details get hazy, I forgot how it came up but he made a comment about me not being open with him. I take this as an invitation to launch into a toxic and vitriolic rant about how I can't trust him for numerous reasons, how I am obsessively paranoid about getting cheated on, about my BPD mother, how we should probably just break up because I can't handle the stress and I'd be better off without him anyway, etc. etc. 

We eventually went to bed upset, woke up upset and this morning was super awkward and intense. I could tell he sees me differently. It took a lot of prompting to finally talk it out and it's theoretically resolved, but I just feel fucking terrible. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I be the cool girlfriend who will be fun and lighthearted after a night out, instead out unloading all of my anger, anxiety and insecurity? Why can't I maintain at least a persona of someone who has it all together? Why do I cause fights and drama for no real reason?

Why can't I just enjoy my relationship without all of this bullshit.