Not exactly sure where to talk about this since everyone I talk to in-person (including therapists) gives the same painfully empty, optimistic, and thoughtless remarks ("you're in the worst of it now so you can't remember when things were good," "keep trying therapy and medications," "you're doing so many things right, it will get better.")   Anyways, for the past 5 years, I've hated my life and wanted out.  There's not much else to it, pretty much no anxiety or panic about the future, just feeling constantly annoyed and exhausted.  I know for sure that I've felt like this for at least 5 years, but really it's been going on to some extent for my entire life; I just gradually declined as I realized that all the promises of things getting better as I grew up were proven completely wrong.  There were no particular traumatic experiences that caused it, just life gradually weighing on me as I got older.

What really frustrates me about my entire situation is that I did everything "right."  I go to a top 20 school, have never gotten a B in my life, have always been heavily involved in music, never turned to unhealthy habits/addictions, and am in good shape and have practiced running/calisthenics (all of this with me putting in pretty minimal time and effort because of the whole depression thing, I mostly just spend time in bed).  I am in a good relationship with my family, have a handful of close friends, and I think/hope I am a pretty likeable person overall.  Despite this, things kept getting worse.  Perhaps the biggest blow was when I first went to college.  By this time I had been going through significant depression, and everyone told me that things would be better once I went to college since I could "find myself."  Only problem with that is I never found anything remotely close to a passion; I did a lot of activities, but didn't enjoy any of them.  That's when things got way worse than they'd ever been and I realized that all the promises of happiness were bullshit.  Since then, I've never been close to satisfied with my life.  My lows are researching and seriously pondering the best ways to kill myself (which I must've done at least 200 times at this point), and my highs are laying in bed and forgetting about how fucking depressed I am. 

It feels like I've tried everything.  I've done therapy for a few years with 3 different therapists and always did everything they told me to, but it never made even the slightest dent in my issue.  I've been taking antidepressants for the past 8 months (tried 6 of them now) and they have also done literally nothing.  I did ketamine treatment, which made me feel alright while it was going on, but this feeling immediately went away afterwards.  I am taking the semester off of school since my condition has worsened to the point where I can barely get anything done at all.  None of the many treatments I've tried (all recommended by professionals) has made the slightest difference in my condition, which has drained my hope for the future beyond what I thought was possible.  Concern for my family kept me from killing myself for a while, but living in hell for the sake of loved ones can only last for so long.  The only seemingly surefire way to end my life would be with a firearm (I am afraid that other methods would fail and make my life even worse), but I can't obtain a gun, and society certainly won't let me obtain a painless lethal injection.  So.....yeah.

Sorry about the length of this post, I don't blame you if you didn't read it all.  I realize this is a no-win situation I'm in; there's probably nothing anyone could say to me to make any difference.  I just have been living with this for so long and wanted to write about it somewhere.  Thanks for your attention, I hope you have a good day despite my incredibly depressing post.