I feel like this disorder makes me really selfish. I feel lost and scared every day and my worries about my future and my chronic feelings of emptiness make it hard for me to be inquisitive about others, to be empathetic, to be conscious of the time and energy I’m asking for from others when I communicate, especially when I communicate my hopelessness and despair. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with a guy and I’m not even sure if I care about him or if I just like the way he makes me feel and that he is always trying to combat my hopeless narrative. I used to think I was a very loving and empathetic person but now I doubt how deep my care and love even runs for my family. I only think about myself and my problems and worries all day. I don’t know if I could find a way to stop doing that if I could revert to being more affectionate and interested in others and empathetic. I don’t know how to stop doing that. Do I just go through the motions - try to make myself ask people more questions and listen intently to the answers and make more effort to have conversation be about them and hope that forcing it makes it part of who and how I am? That effort becomes second nature? People aren’t going to love and care about me if I can’t return it. And just saying that, just having that as my concern that makes me want to change makes me feel selfish. But also I have felt love for other people before and it’s the best feeling in the world - it’s just so sporadic for me. I want to care about others. I want to want to help others. I don’t want to be all about me. I want to give and receive care and love equally. People have recommended volunteering to help with feelings of emptiness but I’m afraid that only brings fulfillment to people who have the capacity to genuinely care about others and I’m afraid I don’t have that capacity, which makes me feel inhuman.