Typing down at this subreddit feels so foreign to me, as I have never thought I would do this. Maybe its just that I am seeking validation from people that actually listen, and know what a person is going through. Instead of when talking to a medical professional, people on this subreddit dont see you as another paycheck, as they stand to gain nothing from providing you support.

I believe that I am a failiure to my whole entire family, and I feel they all hate me. They do not say it outright, instead of putting on a facade but you can clearly see it is forced. I never really feel love and warmth around the people I call family anymore. I dont really even have the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, instead prefering to sleep to 2 PM only to wake up and do nothing productive except stare at my monitor/phone screen all day long. The only real motivation arises when my "friends" invite me to drink, or do drugs with them. Thats it, thats my only motivation. I feel so alienated in that group, too. But at the same time its the only group of people I can remotely relate to, all junkies or alcoholics or criminals.

I do not do well in school, never did. I am barely passing with my grades and honestly I have stopped caring a long time ago. No motivation to care for that either. It only further demotivates me when I recieve harsh backlash from my mother who insults me with things like: "I wish you were dead", "You will never amount to nothing", "You are just like your father" and she frequently makes threats of killing herself because of me.

My father is non-existent to me, as I am to him. A prime addict, too. Never ever did he give a single genuine fuck about me. Doesnt pay child support. Never visits me. Never writes or calls. He can rot in hell for all I care.

Never actually recieved genuine compassion from anybody, in-fact the exact opposite. I helped quite a few people carry their burden and to help them get over it. The same people then never once asked about my well being.

I have recently turned to hard drugs and psychadelics as a cope and a way to escape my daily nothingness. I feel like people are more and more distancing them from me, and in return I am doing the same. I dont even know how to continue anymore. Just surviving on a day to day basis wondering if there will be another tommorow is not a real life for me. I want out of this. This life has been nothing but a bunch of demotivating failiures, and now I dont even try anymore because the outcome is always the same: I lose.