I've tried writing this post 10 times already and failed each time.

I wanna get things off my chest and rant about my life but I also don't know how to.

There's so many emotions that it just... feels impossible to express them all in a wall of text, no matter how big and detailed it is. But that's not what's stopping from writing.

The truth is... I'm ashamed... I'm ashamed because my story is fucking pathetic, I have absolutely no reason to be depressed yet somehow I am, I know what's the problem, I know what I have to do to fix my life, I WANT to fix my life, I just can't do it.

I know that explaining my life is kinda worthless, that it is pointless and in the end I'm just wasting my time, but I am about to waste a year of my life so fuck it I'll do it, even if nobody reads it, perhaps it's an explanation to me.

It is such a fucking dumb feeling, to know what I must do, but not having the strength to do it, the truth is I have no motivation to do anything, I just wanna sleep all day, rot in my bed, I frequently wish the ceiling collapsed on me while I was asleep and killed me, or that a bus would hit me, that way I can die knowing I didn't give up and I didn't leave my family with such immense burden and pain, blaming themselves for making me feel this way, even though they got nothing to do with it.

I have nothing to look forward to, the days are grey, nothing excites me anymore, I wake up to the sound of my newly developped and for no reason whatsoever tinnitus, mope in bed for 3 hours, feel guilty because I'm not studying and play videogames to numb the pain, then struggle to fall asleep until 4 am.

I have no trauma haunting me, no abusive parents, no tragic deaths, no addiction to any substance whatsoever, no neglect, no low self esteem, nothing. I instead have supportive parents, a good academic record and good friends.

But the feeling is soooo overwhelming, I have no goal in my life, I'm just wandering around aimlessly.

It's just that I don't wanna live anymore, I sigh at the thought of getting a job, starting a family, buying a house, becoming an adult basically.

I don't see the point, or I do see it. 

I know I have to study and I have to find a goal in my life, I know neglecting those 2 things will only make me more miserable, I know killing myself is dumb, I know it's probably temporary and taking a permanent decision for a temporary problem is stupid, but I can't help myself, I still feel demotivated, uninterested and lazy. 

I can't control it, it's like feeling full, you just feel this way, and you can't eat when you're already full.

I felt like this 4 years ago and I still do today, it was grade 10 (first year of high school but it's the same as school in my country), basically when people start forming themselves and start thinking about their future and their careers.

I was so lost, I didn't know how universities worked, I didn't know what majors to consider, what careers to pursue, it was overwhelming, but I didn't care, because I was a good student, my grades were very good and I was kinda cruising through this whole school thing, it was easy.

But then people started trying harder, more teacher's pets with their fake questions and their fake personas, trying to get a few extra grades to get admitted in better universities/ get financial aids.

Also some genuinely passionate people, who found their calling in physics or maths (etc) and started chasing their dreams, passionately studying and asking the teacher off subject questions, researching extra stuff, reading einstein's books...

I wanted to fucking die... and not because of them mind you, it was a me problem, but seeing them with all that motivation and that spark in their life, it hurt... so bad...

It genuinely hurt... seeing what actual 18 years old were supposed to look like, young and full of life, full of motivation and ready to take on the world, meanwhile I'm out here feeling 83 years old, wondering how if I'll spend the rest of the day moping in bed scrolling reddit, fapping or playing videogames.

I was good at all stem subjects, maths, physics, biology... Even in english and french, I was a'ight.

But I fucking hated them all equally, it was a SLOG getting through each lecture and I wanted to die. 

This is 2/3 years after grade 10, but this is after covid hit, which was a blessing and a curse, it was a blessing because I was about to break at the time, studying was becoming harder everyday without motivation and I felt like one of the 300 hunder spartans or the final thread keeping a dress or a backpack from tearing apart.

I felt like I was holding off the inevitable, but covid came and I had about 7 months to do absolutely nothing.

And it was amazing, a lot of people got bored or got depressed, it was amazing for me, I had an excuse to do the thing I had wished for for so long, absolutely fucking nothing.

Videogames, youtube, reddit, bed, no worries, no stress, no lack of motivation, just endless rest and chilling , with a world full of people who are lost and worried about their future, with no goal to aim towards, just like me.

You probably see the downside by now, coming back to real life was hard as hell, but online school was easy tho, I didn't learn a single thing, but cheating was super easy, best grades I had in years, but then I had to do an official exam to graduate, and I didn't study anything, and I was sick of worrying, no, I got actually sick of worrying and I had like 18 breakdowns the week before exams.

But with the power of crunch, a smart brain, and well... motivation... cause I sure as shit wasn't gonna go through the hell that was my final year of highschool, and also exams that were remarkably easy because of the circumstances.

(This is not a success story, shit gets fucked again later just bear with me) 

I passed with flying colors, I also tried to apply for the hardest to get into (and to stay into) university in the country (ended up majoring in engineering cause I'm smort and I have no passion) and I passed, again, because I'm actually fucking smart, not socially, just at crunching, solving exercises, and picking the right answers in a multiple choice questions test.

Yes, the hardest entrance exam in the country was a multiple choice questions test, it was cause of covid, and it was still hard as balls, many failed, but I got through, because I was lucky and also smart about my picks.

This was about 7 months ago, nothing changed, I'm still hopeless as ever, still demotivated, empty, hollow, and I want to die!

Only difference being: the jig is up, I ain't fooling anyone anymore, I have failed university absolutely horribly, I wasn't able to keep studying with no motivation, I wasn't even motivated to crunch before exams, I kinda just... let it happen...

My parents now know I'm fucking depressed and I'm not the perfect kid they thought I was.

And it feels terrible, my parents still support me, they always do, they are the best, but I can see it in their eyes, feel the tension in the room, they're sad and disappointed.

My friends who were always less bright than me are thriving, one in the same fucking university, and they aren't humble about it either, which I don't blame them for...

It is normal to be excited when you ace a test, when you are proud of your architecture project and wanna share it, when you had a good moment in school, when you make a new friend.

BUT IT HURTS

It feels like they're rubbing it in my face, which I'm 100% sure they're not, but it 100% feels that way, I want to be happy again, I want to feel motivated again, I don't want to feel like such a disappointing lazy piece of fucking shit.

I want to pick myself up and rebuild, I wanna be happy again, I wanna make something of myself

But I can't, when someone feels full, ain't nothing they can do about it.

I want all those things, but I have no motivation, I want everything to work out, but I don't have the strength to do it, the will to push through it.

I have no goal to aim towards.

I felt like that fout years ago and I still do, if a car were to hit me tomorrow, then consider it a dream come true.


Tldr: Fuck life.