If this is the incorrect forum for this post I will gladly take it down. I apologize in advance if that is the case. Still sort of new here. 

-Sex as punishment-

I’ve recently heard casual sex described as a type of self harm. And I never thought about it, but I fully recognize that it is. I never feel good after casual sex. I always know it’s going to end poorly, but I do it anyways, because to some degree I feel bad about who I am , and I can’t find a more appropriate way to hate myself that feels like I’m not technically hating myself... So I engage women with the ulterior motive of causing myself pain, because I feel like I deserve it. Because I know that the interaction will go negatively. Whether she is off put by my forward approach and makes me feel subhuman, or whether we actually have sex and I am off put by myself. 

-Scared to interact with good women-

I think one of the bigger reasons I’m afraid to interact with women who are good for me, is because I feel like I don’t deserve that kindness. That I’m still in the process of hating who I am, and that I only deserve to be with people who want to mistreat me. Trying to be nice in those relationships is so that I’m not alone. So that the mistreatment continues. Because when it’s gone I feel lost. I feel like no one else is punishing me for the things I’ve done, so then I do it to myself. And of course, I am the best at it. The feeling of “safety” I feel with a bad partner isn’t safe because I’m happy, it’s safe because I feel like it’s “controlled destruction” in a way. I’m hurting, but I also have moments where I can try to tell myself “ you’re a nice person, you don’t deserve this.” And maybe after enough abuse, I’ll convince myself that I’ve suffered enough. 

- DAE else feel this way - 

I’m still working this theory out, but so far it makes a lot of sense and I’m having so much trouble going back and forth between what my brain tells me I deserve vs what I actually deserve. And I don’t know how to stop these loops. I’ve posted this in BPD but maybe it’s not the correct space? DAE feel this way?