I feel like this might get removed, but I really, really need help. I can’t live like this.

I am trapped in life. People tell me that if I’m still alive, I must have found some hope to keep me going, but that is 100% untrue.

What’s kept me here this long is a bunch of failed suicide attempts, and no more options. 

I’ve tried everything. 10 attempts, which did absolutely nothing accept result in 4 ER stays, 3 residentials and a bunch of acutes. The only certain way for my death with a really high success probability is not accessible to me. 

I literally can’t escape. I am stuck. Completely stuck. I’ve felt this way for years, I’ve research assisted suicide and euthanasia for over 2 years now. I’ve tried tons of meds, therapies, ketamine infusions and so much more.

I have another condition which has one of the lowest quality of life ratings of almost any disease. But I can’t qualify for a death with dignity because I’m not terminal.

To be honest, sometimes I get really jealous of the people who succeeded with suicide, especially those who succeed with one attempt. I know that sounds horrible, and I feel very guilty for feeling this way, but it’s really hard not too. I know that suicide is a horrible, horrible thing, but when you’re suffering this much, you just want it all to stop. When I sleep, I feel so peaceful, and then I wake up and all hell breaks loose. I don’t think it’s fair for us to be kept on this Earth against our will when we never asked to be born in the first place. 

This is going to sound absolutely awful, and I don’t think I would ever do this, no matter how desperate, but sometimes I wish I could just run at a cop, possibly with a weapon. I would NEVER EVER hurt them, I would never even think about actually using the weapon. The only reason I would run at them with a weapon, is the hope that they would shoot me thinking I was dangerous, and that that would finally kill me. 

Sorry if this is a lot, or two triggering. I’m just so so angry. I deserve to choose my life or death. These are not just one time thoughts. These are chronic thoughts that keep me from living life, and have done so for almost have a decade, but continue to get significantly worse. I can’t take this anymore.