I am looking for some advice on my current situation. 

I've hit a massive granite wall of mental and physical exhaustion. I've battled depression since I was 6 or 7 years old and have taken some meds to varying degrees of success.

I work a demeaning job delivering grocery items via truck. I have gone to University and used to think that I was relatively intelligent. Don't know about that anymore to be honest. I dropped out because I was broke for too many years.

After University I held an corporate IT position at an Oil &amp; Gas company. The corp job paid well and I paid off all student debt. I did not graduate from University. I gave up on  that dream; took too long, no money.

I opted to startup a manufacturing business whilst at the Oil &amp; Gas company. Then tragedy  struck and my life spiralled into a death spin.

I lost so much over the last few years. Everything.

Absolutely everything. Almost my life.

I lost my beloved son to an evil slandering witch. I had no finances and no energy to fight for him. This extremely violent malevolent accusation levelled at me, crushed me. I have never experienced such pain and outright horror that if I died today and seen Satan in hell I would probably  just laugh and say, "this ain't so bad". My life was devastated.

I lost my house, all my savings, my corporate job, my pets, my sports car, all extracurricular activities, my reputation, my family, my friends and worst of all, I was barred from seeing my son. Losing everything was crushing but losing my son drove me to suicide. More than once I sat in a bathtub with my loaded shotgun in my mouth. Believe me, that is a terrifying nightmare that you would wish no one to fall to. Not even your worst enemy. It is that horrifying.

I couched surfed till I lost all welcome, lived in my car, slept rough in alleyways, worked odd jobs but through it all I STILL wanted to start my own business. I was humiliated, ashamed, alone, physically ill from lack of exercise, exhausted. I kept my life hidden from my parents and my siblings because I was too ashamed to ask for help. George Orwell said it best: "Poverty is loneliness"

I eventually scrapped enough energy and money together to get an ok but crap low paying job, the one I have today. Any income is better than no income right? But STILL I have this unreachable itch in the back of my mind. I still want to start my own business.

Now I have a few pieces of my startup in place, a crap job for income, a warm house to lie my head down at night, good food, a cheap but running car, and a bit of my sanity has returned. Only a bit.

Now after all this, OF ALL THINGS! As soon as I attempt to make or manufacture some products which lie at the core of my small business I get hit with a massive wave of exhaustion and depression. No matter how hard I try to push myself mentally to just SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND DO IT!! I get hammered by a wave of exhaustion, procrastination, and a full on tsunami of a depressive episode.

I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do anymore.

I am convinced that on the other side of my own successful business lies foremost: acquiring my beloved little boy, money, a new girlfriend/wife, a new family, money, and all the rest of the shit we humans love to acquire when we think of wealth.

So here I am, at a standstill, paralyzed, lost, hopeless, unmotivated, wallowing in confusion.

Anyone got any ideas because Lawd Almighty! 10 years of googling everything and anything about what I should do has yielded nothing, nada, zip.

Any ideas? Anyone?  


ps. sorry about the long life story written vomit