This is a solid ramble, I was really - really upset earlier. I’ve gone through the spectrum of emotions today. Surprise, anger, hurt, sadness, and last but not least the one I was hoping for - acceptance. It was time. 

My mom has been an Rx/opiate drug addict for almost 20 years. She most likely has either BPD/NPD and her mind is almost gone after all this time. My mom is gone. Sometimes her old self comes out - I’ve seen it, even recently I’ve had a discussion where her wise mind kicked in and we had a conversation mother to daughter. It gave me a flicker of hope. I shouldn’t have let it.

She is literally wasting away. Mind and body. So it might be best to do this now anyway. Her stories weren’t adding up like I said - I’m a researcher. But I did some digging today, and found out she and her new husband have been lying and it’s bad. Very bad. My mom is wanted across state lines anyway for various offenses I won’t get into - but I did some digging because some of the tales she was telling did not add up. 

Her husbands name is not his name. They haven’t been been married for over 3 years. They just got married a couple months ago, and I have the license application to prove it. The license number gave me his real name which pulled up his arrest record and he is a registered  sex offender. He was arrested for rape in the late 80’s.

As someone who has been raped. As someone who has been sexually abused - who had her moms previous fucking boyfriends be terrible people, I am done. My sister has been through just as much. My mom and him lied about it all. 

I’m done. The old fight in be is back to protect my family - I’m taking steps to make sure the family is aware and compiling information and facts to make it irrefutable, but at the same time - I’m done. I’m done with her, I’m done with the lies, the deceit and I’m done pretending like everything is okay. It’s not. I wanted to see if maybe she was going to spend her last days kind of making amends for what she had done - but sometimes you can’t get those happy endings. 

Both of my parents are still alive. But they are dead to me. And that’s okay. Right now, I accept that. I’ll have my hard moments, maybe tomorrow, maybe later - but right now I’ve made my peace. It’s time to let them go and live. 