I don’t understand what is wrong with me. 

I have a boyfriend who I love and who loves me. He gives me no reason to doubt that, but my inner monologue constantly tells me he will leave me, like everyone else, because he can’t possibly understand what it is like to live in my head. 

My best friend moved away a week ago. Neighbors since we were toddlers, now mid-twenties. She moved across the country. I’m happy for her for chasing her dream job. I’m losing myself though. 

Two nights ago, I totally disassociated. I was terrified when I realized the time that had passed. I left work that evening and cried on my assistant manager, like a loser. 

Yesterday, I was so drained. I couldn’t focus to check out patrons or hold a conversation. I was caught talking to myself and crying in the break room. I don’t know why. I don’t know why. I feel such a loss of control of my body and of my mind. Like I am living in sleepwalking. 

Last night my mother made me take a sedative. By the time I left work, I couldn’t quit crying. I mean, hours of standing and crying and not being able to explain it. I picked a dumb fight with my boyfriend but I felt like a different entity was controlling my finger tips with every message I typed. 

I went to bed by ten pm. I didn’t wake up until 1 pm today. I drove to Walgreens and made macaroni and cheese in my sleep. I only know this becauee this evening, my mom found the wrappers. I don’t remember it at all. 

I had to take today off. Three different coworkers messaged me telling me to take care of myself and rest. I didn’t even tell them why I wasn’t coming in today. But they know. And they care about me. And for some reason that makes me sadder than anything else. I didn’t ask them to care. I want them to, but they’ll wind up being hurt in the end too.