Not physically but mentally. Woke up this morning. No incoming texts on my phone, no matches on any of the seven dating apps I'm on after hours of swiping yesterday, no interaction on social media, and the realization that I live alone and it probably won't change anytime soon. Just staring at the ceiling for what feels like hours, reflecting on life. I always feel so awkward at work because I'm a generally quiet person. I feel a rift with my friends, half of them are out drinking every night the other half are married and starting families while I'm caught somewhere in between. Every time I grow emotionally close with someone there's always someone else. I find myself spending more and more days isolated, on the days where I do get out of the house I find myself wishing I stayed home. I seek more friends, and maybe even a companion but I'm so damn scared of rejection that even saying hello takes a lot out of me. The friends I try to make seem to talk about themselves for hours on end but never take the time to get to know me. The companions I meet try to get me in bed and then leave after they've had their fun. I find myself wishing something would change. When I'm overweight, I can eat right and work out. At work, I can take initiative and switch departments if needed. But personally, socially...as hard as I could try a lot of it is out of my control.
I'm sure this will pass...I have my good days and bad days. But man, today I feel like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.