“...I don’t want to loose you, but it kinda feels like I have in a way, even tho I feel like I know you well enough that you haven’t...if that makes any sense, I really am sorry, and you’re probably so tired of hearing that from me, but please know I am, and I have been every time. And if my repeated actions make my “sorry”s feel worthless, I understand that too, but I really do mean it when I say it...I fucking hate my brain, I’ve never learned from my mistakes, at least not with any big take away from one specific moment, it always takes me time to come around to conclusions that are best for me, and I hope you understand that. Looking at my patterns through life I definitely see my fuck ups with relationships, and it fucking hurts to loose them, and I fear it, but my fear of abandonment only makes things worse because I try to please everyone in my life and I can’t fucking do that without hurting someone. I feel like everyone needs to know that I’m doing the best for them, but I’m order to do that I lie, I get caught in stupid repeated actions, I become spontaneous and don’t think about others before I do something for my self AND IT FUCKING SUCKS. because I try so hard to be selfless, but at my core it just feels like I’m so self centered about everything...

EVEN THE FUCKING GOOD THINGS I DO. I somewhat feel like I always have some sort of selfish reason for doing something. It fucking drives me insane, imagine wanting the best for all your friends, and thinking you are doing the best when in reality you are hurting your relationships. BUT you don’t even FUCKING realize you are messing shit up until AFTER shit already hits the fan. I CANT THINK ABOUT A PROBLEM I CAUSE UNTIL I HAVE TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES; and I WANT to change. But that’s me, that’s my personality...and it’s fucking me up mentally. Yes I’m still happy that I know my disorder; but also knowing my disorder means that I can more easily see my patterns through life. And seeing that makes me thing about who I really am, am I who I say I am, am I even who I think I am, am I who other people thing I am. WHO THE FUCK IS GIO?! FUCKKKKKKKK”

TL;DR: I’ve been struggling mostly with wondering who I really am, started to feel like I’m not who I think I am, because how could I be that person if I’m hurting multiple others. And not just now, throughout my life seeing these patterns after being diagnosed