I love her pets too, but she is so much more affectionate to them than she is with me. Maybe she sees it as demeaning, maybe I’m just not as cute as bunnies, maybe this is just because I find it hard to open up and let her know of my needs but I feel… hurt whenever we’re together and the contrast between how she interacts with her pets v.s. how she is with me becomes so so evident. 

I don’t hold any bitterness against her bunnies. I love them, they’re adorable and have no control over this. I don’t hold bitterness against her either as she can’t help how she feels and acts. I just… can’t help but feel like I’m never going to be worthy of affection of that sort. That I’m not lovable - at least not to her. 

I can’t tell if it’s because I’ve been off my SSRIs, but it feels like she’s been growing distant recently. She used to love cuddles, now she just lies with her back facing the ceiling when we sleep together. I try to shimmy my way closer to her and hold at her arm in search of some semblance of affection, but it’s not the same as her holding me like she used to love to do. 

She has ASD, so I can’t expect her to know exactly what I’m feeling. Nor can I expect her to conceive the hurt I feel when she acts aloof and seemingly cold. Maybe she isn’t falling out of love- maybe she feels no obligation to repeatedly express affection via physical touch and affirmations anymore… but I don’t know what to believe because I’m too scared to ask. My mind just wanders to dark dark scary thoughts when it comes to her at this point. I’m terrified. 

She’s so much more friendly and openly(?) affectionate with animals and sometimes I wish I were a bunny too, so she’d give me cuddles and love and tell me that everything’s okay.