I've recently had what I believe to be an epiphany. I've become aware of something that I've been subconsciously doing for as long as I can remember and I now believe that had I not been doing this I may have turned out to be a normal, happy person. Essentially whenever I'm doing something I always seem to be imagining that I'm with someone or that whatever I'm doing is happening a different more preferable way and its caused me to become hyper aware of how I wish every single detail of my life was going and of how that's not the way things are. I'm not sure if that makes sense, it's kind of hard to explain so I'll try to elaborate and give examples. The earliest memories I have of doing this are from when I was really young, probably 5 or 6. When I was a kid I was really lonely and I've always had a difficult time connecting with people. My parents weren't very social and I don't really have any extended family so I never spent much time with other kids. I always desperately wanted a sibling but that never ended up happening so I started constantly pretending that I did have a sibling and whenever I was playing or doing something mundane I'd always secretly imagine that they were with me. I found that it made me feel a little less alone but it was obvious to me that it wasn't enough. Now I no longer want siblings and as I got older I actually became glad that I was an  only child but I still do this, just about different things. Whenever I'm doing something or going somewhere alone I'm almost always simultaneously imagining in detail someone doing it or going there with me, who it is varies, sometimes I make up people who I think I'd like to hangout with. I'll think deeply about what they'd be doing, how they'd be doing it, what they'd say to me, how I would respond. And when I'm not imagining someone with me I'm imagining that somehow someone is watching me and what I'm doing and I think deeply about what they'd be thinking of me. Sometimes this even influences my actions, I'll do things that I think would make someone think that I'm cool or interesting even though I'm completely alone and there's no reason to. Or I'll refrain from doing things that I want to do because I feel insecure about it, even though there's no one there to judge me. And even though doing this makes life feel a bit more interesting in the moment I think that it's caused me to become disconnected from reality and overly aware of what people think of me to a neurotic degree to the point where I'll go through long periods of completely shutting off from the rest of the world because I cannot handle the thought of people having an opinion of me that I'm unable to control or shape. A lot of my memories are blurry because in those moments I'm more focused on my inner world than the actual physical things in front of me and its basically caused me to be in a constant state of disappointment. I've been trying really hard lately to not do this but its difficult, especially since its something I've been doing for the majority of my life and without it moment to moment life feels really empty and boring. I'd compare it to constantly watching TV or listening to music for your whole life and then all at once trying to stop completely. I just want to get to a point where I can feel fully present and content with my circumstances and reality. I don't want to do things just because I think someone else who doesn't even exist would approve of it, I want to live for myself. 

And sure, there are other things wrong with me but I really do believe that this accounts for the bulk of my unhappiness and a lot of other different factors have actually been caused by this tendency. I think its a sort of "ignorance is bliss" kind of thing. I've unintentionally trained myself to be extremely aware of every way that I wish every single aspect of my life could be different rather than just taking things for what they are and living in the present.

I'm curious if other people can relate to this and maybe even know how to deal with it and resist it. At the moment every time I catch myself doing this I try to do some kind of grounding exercise like identifying the things that I can physically feel or hear to try to snap myself back to reality or repeat to myself that It's just me and that imagining these things is not productive or helpful. I'd like to know if anyone has any advice for this kind of thing.