I’ve never posted here, but I should be an active member. I’ve been living with BPD for many years. It seems to have mellowed out, but I think it’s because the way I cope with it is by shutting myself off from the possibility of intimate relationships, or even close personal friendships.

There is a guy I’ve been friends with for about 10 years. He is long distance, but more recently it is increasingly possible for that to be less of an issue. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, except for the fact that in the last few months we’ve made an effort in that arena. He understands my mental illness as he has had to deal with bipolar disorder for quite some time. He’s pretty stable, however. 

He is calm, steady, trustworthy, and reassuring. He navigates my moods with grace. When I’m going off the edge, he tells me to breathe, but he’s not really one to indulge me going off the deep end with my behavior. The problem is that,  though I trust him, I am falling apart on the inside. I’m depressed, I feel physically ill...I jut can’t relax. And that makes me more apt to lash out. I know the DBT skills though I’ve never been formally part of DBT (insurance). My T goes through them with me. 

Has anyone every experienced this? What was your solution? I am terrified that I will push him away and, like everyone else he’ll get tired of putting up with me. I’m afraid of relaxing because I’m afraid I’ll relax and he’ll leave me. And I don’t know that I can handle one more person leaving me. 

I know this is all dysfunction speaking. But I wanted to talk it out somewhere where it’s not going to have an effect on my relationship. 