My life is 100% pointless. I feel nothing. If waking up and having to be alive every single day wasn’t so monotonous, I doubt I’d realise I was even alive at all. I just do the exact same thing every day. Wake up, eat breakfast, mindlessly watch YouTube or try to play a game until it’s time to leave for the gym, go to the gym, work out, come home, eat, shower, sleep, repeat. I’m just on autopilot. I have no purpose, I don’t enjoy anything, and as bored and worthless as I feel from my daily schedule, there’s literally nothing else I’d rather be doing.

I don’t work because I can’t stand people at all. They either make me feel nothing, or they make me feel angry. And they always make me feel more alone.  I’ve thought about applying for some low level job somewhere just to have something to do, but my therapist always tells me it’s a bad idea and I’m not ready, that it’ll make things worse. It’s not like I have career goals, all work feels meaningless to me, even thinking about studying something feels pointless because nothing interests me at all. And even if I had more money, there’s nothing I’d want to spend it on, it would just sit there. 

I’ve tried to have friends in the past, but it just doesn’t work. I feel nothing for or from them. Right now there’s only one single person that I talk to, an online friend, and we only still talk because she’s persistent and she said it would hurt if I ghosted her, so I can’t even do that without knowing I’m an asshole. I try to care about her, but I feel like I’m just saying what I’m supposed to say, if anything it’s just tedious to have to try to support her, and I’m always hoping the conversation will just end when I have to do it. And I know she genuinely cares about me, but that also makes me feel nothing at all. I just get frustrated because I know that’s supposed to be a nice thing, and it’s even something I fantasise about, but in reality having someone try to care about me is just annoying. 

I just feel like nothing. I have no job, no goals, there’s literally nothing I enjoy, nothing at all means anything to me, no friends, never had a relationship, can’t even have sex and probably wouldn’t want to if I could, I just effect literally nothing at all about the world. I couldn’t be more inconsequential, even to myself. I’m just nothing.