Hey. First off I’m sorry if this isn’t full on anxiety related. I struggle with bad self esteem along with diagnosed panic disorder and anxiety so I guess those are behind the way I feel right now.

I have a lot of relatives on my father’s side of the family so I’m only close to some of them. I’ve been particularly close with my aunt and her children even though we don’t see each other much.

Four years ago my cousin’s first child was diagnosed with cancer at the age of two. This obviously hurt me a lot even though I had only seen him once or twice at that point.

For the past four years the child had been dealing with cancer. I was updated on all this through my aunt telling our family. Sadly his cancer turned out to be incurable. The news came to me in July. He was expected to have another 5 months or so. I didn’t react much, I was shocked but I guess it just didn’t kick in.

Tragically my adorable six year-old nephew passed away on Wednesday. The last time I saw him was in June and before that I had seen him once the year prior. I’m honestly heartbroken.

Now to the actual title at hand. Am I trying to make this about myself by grieving? It’s something I absolutely do not wish to do but I feel guilty for grieving since I saw him fairly little compared to some of my other relatives let alone his mother (my cousin) or grandmother (my aunt). I’m extremely worries for them but at the same time I can’t help but cry. Despite seeing him very little I was still constantly updated on him and thought he was such a wonderful kid. He had a smile that could pierce anything and shined so bright. I can’t support his immediate family as they’ve wished for time alone among themselves but I just feel like a terrible person for being affected, like I’m trying to gain attention or pity with that amazing child’s death. It feels unforgivable.

Thank you for reading. Stay safe and fuck cancer.