last night i decided to message my ex to hang out. i’m ovulating what can i say- duty called!! i hadn’t seen him in almost a year and a half and for that year and half i blocked out memories of him and then for the past couple months i had been thinking about him CONSTANTLY. our arguments running through my head, all the painful memories. then the past couple weeks i have been thinking about him like.... out of curiosity. well he came over and it felt so natural. like we hadn’t ever had screaming crying threatening fights. like we hadn’t *ruined* each other’s lives. so yay to us it went well hopefully we won’t want to do it too often and destruct each other all over again. the whole time he was over though i felt like i was in a dream. i just could not believe it was real.... i guess i was disassociating? all night. i honestly thought i would wake up and none of it happened. being with him made me realize how lonely i’ve been... i had not had any relationships or even dates since we dated because insecurities and keeping my guard TF up. now i am going to have to deal with this ferris wheel of the same thoughts of him for awhile until i can forget him again.. or should i hang again? it sucks because we don’t have much in common with social life but at the same time it feels like we are two puzzle pieces who fit together. i just went a year without seeing him and feel like i reset the clock. hopefully i can continue to carry myself in a healthy way like i have been trying to do