Hi, I just need everyone to know that I am not diagnosed and do not think I have BPD. I am writing here though, since the only people I feel like I can relate to and have exactly the same feelings as me are those with BPD. I did go to a doctor recently though, and I may have to get tested for BPD since he thought it sounded like I have it (it just feels unreal though). 

I really can’t have relationships and it is causing me a lot of pain. Romantic as well as platonic. People do describe me as social and easy to get along with, although I have never been able to have a real connection with anyone. I always find someone new, instantly become friends with them, hang out with them 24/7 and think I have found the person I will always spend time with. But I can never seem to have a deeper connection since the friendships are always short-lived and shallow. After the initial period I either start hating them out of nowhere and then my feelings towards them become extremely turbulent, causing me to pull myself away from them. If I don’t do that, I just pull myself away from fear that they will leave me after overthinking and believing they hate me. 

How do I have real connections? I have no idea on how to actually make friends and I find myself constantly changing friend groups and so on. Romantic relationships are even worse since I am extremely afraid of them leaving me, so I just don’t ever actually let them know how I work since I’m afraid that they will find me even weirder if I do. I feel evil because of this and can’t imagine how anyone would want to come close to me if they knew about this.