Today is my 37th birthday. I'm 8.5 months sober. I'm treated for bipolar disorder and severe depression along with GAD and PTSD. I have interstitial cystitis and now fibromyalgia which was just confirmed after years of suffering which I didn't know. 

I strive to do my best at everything - be the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend, the best employee. But I have suicidal ideation. I am having a hard time. I'm visiting my dad thousands of miles from my home. I couldn't do that to him but at least I spent my last birthday with him and it was good. I'm just so incredibly sad about everything. I can't talk to anyone because I fear the "you are so put together, you can get through this" speech when I really want to go off the rails and hack myself up. 

I even got a tattoo to cover up my old self-harm scars and the whole time I was thinking, "this is just self-harm as art." It doesn't even hurt. I sat for five hours getting chills and feeling relief. My session only ended because I was nodding off (my artist works at night). 

I'm such a wreck on the inside. I can't even talk to my therapist about it. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to be here.