I have never imagined the possibility of suicide until I was 20. After this, suicidal planning and thoughts are constantly coming back every few days, and I feel like I’m living on the edge of a cliff. I can die any day. I am in the hospital for a full admission every other month. Just now I was getting on the dark net to figure out the financial transaction piece of the drug dealing there so I can buy a suicide drug. 
If I could fix it, I would. Nobody in the world gives a shit about me and it is all up to just me. How...? 