I can’t tell if I’m self sabotaging right now or if I should listen to my gut feelings. I feel like I should stop showing up in life and say “Fuck It”. I’m dealing with loss right now. So everything comes in waves. I have changes in my life. I’m leaving a toxic work place at the end of the month. I’m taking June off to focus on my mental health. I signed up for a continuing education class for my trade next week. I made a $325 non refundable payment. But as I get closer I just feel like not showing up. Maybe this isn’t my time. It’s out of character for me not to follow through on something. But I have thoughts and feelings telling me nothing matters anymore. To drop out of life and stay home. That I shouldn’t care. I don’t know what’s for me and not anymore. I can’t tell if this is truth or if it’s just depression self sabotage. Anyways thanks for reading this. It’s past noon and I’m still in bed feeling defeated. I should go eat something.