I am a 21 yr old female and have never managed to secure a relationship even though I consider myself to be (in the least arrogant way) fairly attractive. I didn't date anyone throughout high school and my first year of university because I was dealing with family and mental health issues (mostly caused by having experienced sexual abuse). But in my second year of university I met a nice guy on Tinder and we went on a few dates and I stayed the night at his flat pretty regularly. I said from the outset that because of my history with men I don't feel comfortable getting physical with someone early on in the relationship and he was fine with that. Summer break happened and he came back to university and told me he really liked me but he had met another girl and so we would have to be friends and nothing else. I stopped seeing him because it was too emotionally straining and now that girl is his girlfriend. The few times he did touch me in bed I did panic and now looking back I realise that I felt constantly anxious around him and had small panic attacks all the time when he was in bed with me. This definitely wasn't fun for him so I can't blame him for liking another girl over me. 

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I had a short fling with a guy who said kept trying to have sex with me even though I really wasn't comfortable because it takes me longer than most people to be comfortable around guys, especially in bed. He said something about me being frigid and that I can't expect guys to want to be with me if I have panic attacks during sex sometimes. Does this mean that I have to be sure I won't panic during sex before I start dating someone? 

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I told the next guy I seriously wanted a relationship with that I might panic sometimes during sex but it won't be your fault, its just something that happens sometimes. I did panic a few times with him during sex but always told him its not his fault and usually I was back to normal within 20ish minutes. I eventually got super comfortable around him and was no longer panicking during sex but he said he was moving back to his home country and didn't want to start something so we became FWB (by this point I was more comfortable being physical with him and was never anxious during sex with him). FWB with him didn't make me feel great because I was always wanting it to be something more, so I stopped seeing him altogether. 

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Recently I had a one night stand with someone because I really thought I could handle it and my anxiety had been so much better. I had liked him for a really long time and he was in my bed so why not! I panicked during sex and he was totally respectful and really nice about it. I said it wasn't his fault and that this hasn't happened in a while. We have hung out a lot since just getting coffee, going to the museum and walking some trails but he said he is focusing on his studies and doesn't want a relationship this year but wants FWB. I don't want to do FWB with anyone I really like because I won't be happy when I will always want a relationship with them, but I really like this most recent guy (m/26) and we click so well. I try really hard to be 'normal' when I am anxious but I am not sure if my personality or mental health is scaring boys away? I am worried I will always be panicky with a new person I will be sleeping with until I become comfortable with them (like the second to last guy I was with) and that by this time they think I am too difficult to have a relationship with so they want FWB instead. I can't afford therapy at the moment but want to do go in the future when I have saved enough money. Any suggestions on how to make myself more attractive to be in a relationship with would be awesome.

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TL;DR! string of people I have dated but have never managed to get into a relationship. Worried my mental health problems are scaring boys away and makes boys only want FWB with me. TW sexual abuse