just taking some time to write out my feelings. definitely open to any and all comments, feeling rather lonely even though im around people who care about me. 

i recently got out of a residential program for psychiatric care. i left feeling prepared and ready to deal with life. for about 8 weeks i was happy but also using DBT skills to cope and communicate with folks. some challenging things with folks i live with started soon after i got released. i was able to do the breathing technique, talk with my therapist, and exercise. i felt super happy that i was able to move through the conflict and not get super down on myself. im very quick to mentally beat myself up and convince myself that its all my fault. 

then after a couple of weeks another incident with a friend got really bad. they said i hurt them during a trip months ago because i was not making eye contact and being passive agressive. i had no recollection that i was showing up this way and it sounds more like i was dissociating. i thought i did everything to cope through that issue but now im just really down and not sticking to any of my routines. its been really hard to take my meds, eat anything, stick to any of my responsibilities. 

i feel myself spiraling and wanting to cancel any of my plans with folks that i care about. im feeling super irritable ans agitated by every little thing. ive been self isolating for the past couple of days and im worried its going to get worse. i really dont want this one week of being down to turn into three months but i feel like it's inevitable. 

im really fucking tired of feeling like im on cloud 9 to then back to rock bottom. i know through wise mind that those feelings are extreme and that isnt my relatively but fuck those feelings feel so real right now. 

its so hard to have people who care about you and not be able to trust them. im second guessing everything and everyone. its almost like none of the things i do matter anymore. 

i guess im writing this so that i can have some type of outlet to get these thoughts out because sometimes it doesnt help to talk these things out to my therapist. so yeah this where im at today.