I don’t have any friends with BPD (or at all really) and till I was about 17 years old my mom just told me that I had really bad anxiety, but eventually as I would come to her crying more often that I didn’t understand why I felt the way that I feel, that it was so overwhelming and i felt like i was drowning in my sadness and then fine within the hour…. i never understood why nobody wanted to just love me when all I did was try to love everyone. after years of struggling and emotional abuse I found a man who I think loves me. who I think wants to take care of me. but I’m scared. I don’t want to be the partner that’s constantly questioning his love and telling him that I don’t think it’s gonna work out.. because I want it to work so bad but I’ve had hope before. I feel I’m ruining things more by saying these things and breaking down in front of him than keeping these things to myself. and I know I’m probably imagining it because he says I am, but I feel him pulling away from me. I want to pull away too just so it doesn’t hurt so bad. I don’t want to lose him but I feel like my mental illness is killing me and all the relationships i get into. i’m tired of having my past run my future and affect the way that I feel about people who haven’t hurt me yet or may not at all. I don’t want to do this to my partner because he doesn’t deserve it, but neither do I and I don’t know how to make it stop? I keep trying to tell myself that I can only be responsible for my own actions and be the best girlfriend that  I can be and at that point it’s completely up to him. but even as I type it out I don’t fucking believe it, I don’t want to be in this relationship if it’s not gonna work out I don’t want to hurt anymore. but isn’t that the chance we take getting into relationships?? everyone does it to enjoy the peaks of happiness and love knowing it may end someday but knowing you’re going to get to appreciate the experience.