Hi everyone,

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I guess I'm just coming here looking for some support. I'm 23, in grad school, and working 30 hrs/week at an internship. I will say up front that I work directly with my own patients in healthcare (psych, which makes this more ironic) and I am in a hospital setting. I have had pretty severe OCD and panic disorder since I was 7 or 8. I struggled severely in high school, but my anxiety virtually disappeared in college and my first year of grad school. It came back with a vengeance this summer after my boyfriend was deployed overseas on a week's notice, experiencing three deaths in my family, and getting physically sick and hospitalized for a day myself. Those couple of weeks left me in a constant state of fight or flight. I was having multiple panic attacks a day while trying to keep up with my grad courses, social life, and other responsibilities. I decided to push through for this semester instead of taking medical leave as I am SO close to graduating, but I'm crashing and burning now.

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I've never considered myself depressed, but I definitely am now. I am normally the incredibly driven, outgoing, and motivated busy-body type, but I have completely withdrawn from everything that used to matter to me. I am barely making it to classes and my internship supervisor was gracious enough to let me work remotely temporarily. I stay in touch with my friends via text, but I can very rarely hang out with them in person due to the constant panic - it makes it torturous, not fun. I struggle through my hour-long sessions with my patients. I used to have a very clear vision for my future, but I no longer do. I would never harm myself, but I have completely lost my passion for living. All living does is terrify me, I don't experience joy anymore. I have wreaked pretty significant havoc on my almost two-year relationship with my boyfriend, he has expressed to me that lately he just feels like he's being used a tool to soothe my anxiety rather than existing as my boyfriend.

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I am completely miserable. I am nauseous almost 24/7, which is hell because I'm emetephobic. I haven't actually thrown up, but over the summer I would dry heave which "traumatized" me. It happened while I was driving on a busy highway, it happened in the middle of a crowded bar, it happened in the doctor's office, in the hospital, and while other people were driving me around. Since then, I have feared spontaneously dry heaving in any situation where it would be distressing/that I can't escape - working with patients, driving, being in class, being out of the house, etc. It hasn't happened in 2 months, but I still live in fear of it. I have bad indigestion and reflux. When I wake up in the morning, my heart is immediately racing, I am shaking, sweating, nauseous and having reflux. It's incredibly different not to focus on it and just get on with my day. Sleeping is a giant struggle, and I'm probably getting in 700-900 calories per day. I also struggle to drink fluids but force myself anyway. I no longer feel like I'm able to talk myself out of panic or anxiety like I used to be. Panic is ruling my life at the moment. I feel like I just need two weeks to not be bothered by anything or anyone, but I can't get that. I'm scared that something bad is going to happen if I keep pushing my body and brain like this.

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I'm trying to do the best I can, but nothing is sticking. I'm in therapy 2x/week, I had been going to the gym 4-5x/week (lifting, but haven't gone in about two weeks because of how horrible I've been doing). I've tried Buspar, Hydroxyzine, Xanax, Propranolol. Nothing has helped. I'm not open to SSRIs as I almost lost my life to one in the past. I'm currently trying Magnesium, Ashwaganda and Chamomile, but they aren't helping either. My anxiety SKYROCKETED after coming off of hormonal birth control in August. I don't know if I should go back on. I have recently found out that I have pretty severe iron deficiency, which may be playing a role, so I've recently started supplementing with Iron as well. 

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There is constantly adrenaline flowing through my body and I can't get it to stop. I am on high alert 24/7. I never used to be sensitive to external stimuli, but now light, sounds, intense emotions of others, etc. can throw me directly into a panic attack. This is extremely problematic because of the nature of my internship and I am often shouldering the intense trauma my patients have faced.

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I guess I'm just looking for advice, encouragement, tips, anything. I'd love to hear if anyone has been here before, and if so, what helped. Thanks so much in advance :(