I have always fallen in love very quickly and very intensely. In my black and white thinking, I only ever saw my partners as either all good or all bad, they couldn't possibly be both at the same time. I never understood how you can both love and hurt someone. So when a partner hurt me, I would be devestated, utterly heartbroken, I would hate them to the core, I would think they're evil. But then, when the hurt was over, I would forgive them, and very easily forget the hurt too. I would believe they'd never make the mistake to hurt me again. I'd fall dramatically back in love as soon as I was assured they loved me too. I would believe the bad version of them, that hurt me, doesn't exist anymore.

I have now had therapy, finished it last year and I have learned to have a much more balanced view of the world and people. I understand that people who love you can hurt you. And to not attach myself, my identity of who I am, my worth, to their mistakes. But having this awareness now doesn't allow me to love intensly the way I used too. I'm not idolsing people anymore, but I guess I am not hating them either. Even though this is a healthier way of loving, I feel so disconnected. Like the colour in life has been washed out. I don't feel passiontely, but I do feel calm. 

But I miss the passion, I miss the excitement, the rush, the butterflies.