I’m currently really stressed because I feel like I have no friends. The thing is I have friends but it’s complicated.

I recently realised I don’t like my “best” friend. Before lockdown I was involved in a homophobic attack (I don’t wanna say victim) and was beat up pretty bad. My face was messed up for a couple of weeks and now I have a stupid scar on my face, which the dr said will probably be there forever because of how deep it was. Anyway it was really traumatic and I was very self conscious until I healed. I went to a party with my friend when my face had healed and EVERYONE at the party had “heard” what happened to me. My friend was the only person I told. I spent the whole night being told how “brave” I was etc, it was pretty gross. I decided to distance myself from her (not message her first anymore) and I havent really heard from her in months. 

I’ve never really been a popular person, but over the years any friends I did have, have fallen away. I live with my friend and my partner, but I feel like they have their own lives. 

I feel very pathetic, realising I never even had a best friend was the beginning of a realisation I have no one. I spend a lot of time just obsessing about how much of a loser it makes me. When my partner and housemate go out with their friends I convince myself they pity me for having no one else, that they thing I’m this big freak with nobody. My partner even jokes about me having no friends sometimes.