I don't really know why I wake at the start of my day.

I'm always exhausted, I always have something on my mind, and I'm a mess. Ever since I moved into this new apartment, I've lost all my progress at making my life better, and it's been this way for nearly three months. I've reached another low, and I don't know how to fix it. I feel it behind my eyes; just weariness from one day to the next.

But I have a job, and when I leave my apartment, I have to hide myself from the world so they don't know, and so I don't lead them to understand, that, inside, I'm suffering. It's truly a blank canvas, and how the day unfolds develops how the world sees me before I retire to home. Sometimes words just pass by, as an idle thought I might have during the day that I'll never remember again, but sometimes, someone's actions or words do affect me, and it's written all over my face. if only it weren't for the facade. I behave how the people around me behave, and that's my saving grace. if only they knew I hurt and they could do something about it.

I don't like living much these days. I have a lot of empathy for those having hard times such as myself, and while I don't feel unique about the way I feel, it's so difficult to connect with people as a normal person. I'm a shadow of an actual person, but a shadow that still breathes and feels, and existing like this is pain too. I honestly don't see much redemption in my future; I self sabotage and let myself wallow further in this pain; partly because I don't know how to fix it, but also because I feel I cannot fix it. I feel that, if I did not have empathy, I would have done myself in a long time ago.

I wish, sometimes, that I had the courage to actually do it.