i've been stuck in a cycle for months with my fp where they abandon me time and time again and then eventually come back and it hurts more every time. the relationship has been toxic probably on both ends, and this time has been the longest we've ever gone without speaking. 

my mental health has plummeted as a result of the things i've experienced between us. i'm pretty sure he's already moved on and found his own way this time yet i can't stop myself from thinking about him or the situation all day long. it's so suffocating... i'm constantly checking in on him on social media despite knowing it's a bad habit. i'm constantly wondering if i should go back despite knowing it would probably be the death of any shred of mental stability i have left. my friends have told me if i go back this time they probably will stop speaking to me because it's too hard to watch me go through this and be around someone who's bad for me. i just miss him. i just want to convince myself to stop caring and that he doesn't matter and that i'm fine without him but i can't. 

i need help but i don't know what to do. i just want to move on and be happy. i just want to feel free. i feel so trapped