So I’ve been doing DBT for about two months and I’ve had so much progress and growth and so much arrest of my major symptoms. 

And then out of the blue, after six weeks of being apart, on the day I was supposed to see him, my boyfriend randomly writes me a break up email. 

I shattered. 

I couldn’t access my skills. The emotion was too powerful. It was like trying to swim when I was hit by a tidal wave. Everything came back out...everything...my fear of abandonment that was actual abandonment, my anxiety was crushing, I exploded in anger, I was up one minute, down the next...I just collapsed, you guys. I collapsed. 

I argued and begged and sobbed and called him over and over. I got him to change his mind, but that didn’t help. I was roaring out of control.  It’s been off and on back and forth with him, I keep raging and falling apart and begging then pushing him away. I do not feel safe. 

Trying to walk away is evoking in me the same reaction as standing on the edge of a tall building and willing myself to jump off. Or fighting him to not break up with me is like fighting against him not to push me off the edge of that building. 

I have my skills handouts, I have my diary cards, I have my distress tolerance grounding paper but damn damn damn damn damn damn I can’t access sanity. I’m too overwhelmed. 

I see my therapist next week. I hope to God she can help me because I am so bad off right now and I am absolutely crushed. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I have worked hard not to be like this anymore. And then......... my worst fears come true and I get dumped. 

I’m not having suicidal ideation or anything, and I am functioning enough to display on the surface that I am okay. But on the inside, I am just destroyed. And I don’t know how to get my sanity back. 