TW: self harm, suicide, eating disorder

I just kinda want to vent about something I've realized...

I've realized that I feel way more support from random internet strangers than from my parents, and I just kinda feel lost rn...

I was at the trans clinic I go to with my mom to discuss the 'next step'.

The topic of my weight came up, and that certain things wouldn't have any effect on me, and that I'd have to gain weight.

I'm currently doing quite well at stopping with my eating disorder (bulimia) and told them that I was going well, because I haven't had a binge session for like 2 weeks and reached a 8 day clean streak! (Not throwing up for 8 days!) (I'm still kinda proud of getting so far).

After this, on the trip back, I had to explain what I meant with a 'clean streak' and I said that it was a certain time or amount of not doing something. So I didn't throw up for 8 days.

After that, I said: "last thing about this I wanna talk about:" (because I knew I couldn't handle too much with talking about my eating disorder) "food tastes different now that I've stopped bingeing, like, I can actually taste it's flavors".

Instead of congratulating me on doing well, my mom started talking (after I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore) about how she hopes that I'd realize how much pain and sleepless nights I've caused because I "jump to extremes".

I didn't freak out, I knew that would make things worse, but like come on!

I didn't want to have an eating disorder, I don't want to cut myself to drown out bad emotions, I don't want to feel suicidal, it's not really a choice I make...

I didn't choose to get a trauma from you...

I didn't choose for depression...

I didn't choose to have the disorders I have...

I don't want to cry almost every night...

So basically, I want to move out asap, but here's the other thing...

My dad doesn't really want me living in his house.

Basically, I'm allowed to visit on the scheduled dates we agreed on.

But when I once mentioned that I might want to move in for a bit, I was told that the house was too small for that, and that he didn't want to have me around all the time, because he wants to be alone sometimes too.

I get that, I also want to be alone sometimes, but like, I'm also kinda your child...

I would not be in the way, most of the time I'd be asleep or at work, so I wouldn't really be 'in the way' you know?

I've posted about my problems here on reddit, and got mostly very positive messages, and I've even made some friends (I think) with who I now often chat with.

They, and the people who comment on my posts are so kind and I want to thank you for that, and make me feel so much better than when I'm with or talking with my parents.

I just kinda feel lost, and like I don't have a real place to feel safe...

My job is currently my safe space, because everyone there (with exceptions ofc, but not many) is super nice to me, and accept me.

I just kinda feel like I should have my safe space at home, and not at work...

That's my vent/rant, thanks for reading this.

TL:DR

After I told about my eating disorder clean streak, my mom started telling me about how much pain and sleepless nights I've caused her and I've realized that my dad doesn't want me to live in his house, because "it's too small, and I'd be in the way", and he wouldn't have much alone time.