 

Gaslighting… something I have grown up with. It’s not new  to me and I believe it will never go away. It’s hard as a first generation female to have a relationship with a parent who does not understand when they are wrong. To always have to be the victim. To PROJECT  that onto everyone around them. Having to always be the backbone. That is exhausting. Always had to be on edge growing up. Never could relax and enjoy the time as a child I had. Fighting to show a happy face. Always had this pressure. I can't even escape now as an adult. It really makes you wonder why at the age of 22 I am here alone. Not sure if it's because of my experiences with men but also if there is something wrong with me. I like to let others know that I am this strong woman that overcame obstacles but in reality I have yet to do that, not fully at least. I don't even have people I can express myself fully without feeling like a burden. I've come to terms that at the end of the day it will be just me and myself. I try not to think negatively but its hard, hard because no matter what, I will always have that burden of feeling like I can't live my own independent life. WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE MEDIATOR??????? WHY? Why do I always have to sacrifice my happiness so that others can be happy. Why? I just want to yell and scream and at times disappear. I wish I had a good relationship with my parents. My father left and came. As I let him do that, I will say that it is my fault. But my mother? You would think after being a mother for the past 22 years she will finally get it. We don't need a friend, we need a mother. Not this so-called cool parent. I have come to terms that I will never get that. Yet it still hurts. I still struggle with knowing that I won't have anyone of that nature. My grandmother god bless her is not meant for that. But also she wouldn't get it. She, as my mother, will never understand this new generation and our needs. Time has changed and things have changed. The way we think the way we want the way we love. I try to be understanding  but you can only stretch yourself so long.