I feel so lost and confused. I get quite a few bouts of severe depression, but I've always managed to deal with it. I don't think I can, this time. 

A lot of things are going wrong with my life, and I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to keep at it, or even the tiny bit of hopefulness needed to get up every single morning and face the day.

The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I can't figure out a way to do it that I know for sure will work. I've tried things before. I failed so hard that I don't even have the energy to try again. I used to want to live because of my pets, but now I'm pretty sure they'll be looked after. 

I just want to rant about the things going on in my life, even if it never helps, I guess.

1. I've been doing a PhD for 5 years. My funding ended. And I'm not done. I don't have a stipend for subsistence anymore, and although I foresaw this day and saved for it, I can't help but be anxious about finances.
2. The future seems so bleak to me. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm almost 30 (almost 29, actually), and I've been single mindedly working towards certain things, but now I am so burnt out, that I have no idea whether I want to keep doing this. And I don't know what else to do with my life. I don't even have the energy to figure it out.
3. I used to be such a multifaceted person. I had so many interests, and I was good at a lot of them. Writing, reading, and other literary things, especially. Now not only do I not do those things, but I feel like I will never do them. I also recently discovered that every single thing (stories, half-written novels, poems) that I had written until about a year ago has been wiped from my computer. So I'll never ever get to those. It's done.
4. I have serious mental health issues. I think a lot of it is unresolved childhood trauma, but a lot of it is also from adult experiences. I'm in therapy and my therapist recently suggested I should probably start medications, but I'm so terrified of losing myself. 
5. I am so fucking lonely. I never connect with people. I make friends, get into relationships, but I always feel like I'm out of place. Like I don't belong. And although i like being by myself and need it quite often, it's starting to get to me. For once in my life, I would just like to feel like I'm wanted and loved.
6. And that leads on to the fact that I just got my heart broken by someone I actually felt like I belonged with. Someone who felt like home. I got told that it's not because of me, that he's going through issues, but I can't help but think it's me because I am not wanted. Cuz I'm just fundamentally unlovable. 
7. I hate my body. And after months and months of trying to fix it, I'm exhausted, and still don't love it or even like it. 
8. I'm getting pressured by my family for things like marriage and religion. I come from a weirdly conservative family to whom faith and religion is everything, and having broken away from it in the last couple of years, they're pressurising me to come back. Every one of my problems is blamed on a lack of faith. And even though I know for a fact that my parents do love me, I've had some issues with my dad and I don't really fit in with them anymore and it makes me miserable. They also want me to marry someone from their church and although I'm trying to just keep an open mind right now, the anxiety that comes from all of this is crazy.
9. I got covid just over a month ago. My body just refuses to recover. I'm exhausted all the time, my brain feels like cotton, and I just feel broken. I also discovered that I have permanent lung damage from it, and although that will heal, I can no longer do the physical things that I used to do to make myself feel better, like running. I can't seem to work or even manage my life, and that's affecting me too. 
10. I don't have any hope left. Maybe it's because I lost faith. Maybe it's because I'm depressed. I don't know. But I can't live like this.

I know a lot of my issues stem from a lack of self worth. I genuinely hate myself. Although I've been trying for some time to look at things from a different angle, I've not been able to find a way to do it. I've been self harming - maybe in an attempt to hurt myself without killing myself, or maybe it's just another pathetic cry for attention. Either way, it's been adding to how much i just want all of this to end. 

I've worked really hard my entire life to get to where I am. But I just don't want to go forward. I would really rather die than keep feeling this way. 

If you've read this far, thank you. And if you know common drugs that can kill me without it being too painful, that would be helpful.