Hello. This is my first time posting, therefor Im unsure how to go about this. Not to mention I feel horrible.

A few years back, I was given a diagnosis of BPD but was deterred from going to therapy specifically for it by my art therapist. Mind you, she was a child art therapist while I was 20. Never liked her and the fact she tried to make it seem I was only narcissistic or an attention seeker may explain why. So I never got help and, well, forgot.

Few years later, I meet my now ex, I fall for them hard and we match each other well. It wasn't perfect, far from it but I loved them. Problems were there but we tried. Until recently...

They had begun to seem more and more distant to me, even though they said they weren't and I stared panicking. I thought their new friend was bad but I didn't want them to get ride of him since that would be manipulating their life. But it got bad and I had a bad breakdown. They didn't like it, thoroughly mad. I had these attacks before and they had panic attacks as well. This wasn't new.

There's a lot more but thinking hurts my chest a lot. For a week or two, they seemed even more distant. I had a nightmare the night before of them breaking up with me and it being impossible to make up.

Usually, that would cause me concern but I tried to "be better" since the last breakdown was bad. I tried to believe in them and pushed it back. The very next day, they break up with me. Something I predicted a bunch but it's still leaving me feeling sick and scared and I feel horrible. My chest hurts a lot and I don't know how to handle this. Im imagining a lot even when I know it wont happen and I feel this could've been preventable if I wasn't so broken ahah

Sorry, there isn't many places I can turn to anymore. In a way, they were my only person, even if how it got to that was, admittedly, a little their fault. Hahahhhhsorry 