I understand why I am scared to make friends again. I don’t know if any of you guys with bpd also have social anxiety disorder but it sucks. 

I left my friend group about 4 years ago. When my anxiety was getting bad. Every little thing they did to me passively, would literally offend me so much. I would feel mad about it for 2-3 days then love them again. When they would make me feel bad about myself it hurt like hell. Now I’ve been alone in isolation for a while I had friends at work but not like real friends just work friends.

I miss having friends, going on adventures and doing stupid shit. It made me feel alive, like I was truly living. But I also remember the times they would hang out without me, the gossiping, passive aggressive comments, the mean looks. Just being around people it feels like they control my happiness. It makes me scared. I don’t want my day to be ruined all the time, but I also don’t want to be alone. The most exhausting part of having friends is having to put on a character for everyone and coming home at the end of the day feeling drained and depressed, fake. I don’t know maybe it is just me but I’m scared to make friends  for the sole purpose I get hurt so easily and possibly whenever I hang out with them.