I've been thinking about suicide nonstop, but I know it will destroy my family. 

For about a year, I've been taking 100-200mg of THC pills per day (sometimes more when I use half of the entire RSO syringe, which is like 350-400mg of THC) with 3-4 shots of whiskey, and take bong rips throughout the day, so I can stay messed up. I go to lectures and can perform complex organic chemistry lab procedures correctly. Sometimes I even go to tests high. Second year into college I have a 3.5 GPA but it's slipping.

I can function normally without people really noticing I'm super faded. It's the only way I know to carry on with life at this point.

Everything stresses me out, even music and cartoons. Mediation music stresses me out for some reason. I just feel so dissociated with everything, hanging out with friends just makes me feel more lonely, and I don't want to unleash these dark thoughts on them. I know I am slowly losing it.

Everywhere I go, I put on a happy face, so people don't really notice my rotten inner thoughts.

I feel like I will only bring pain to the people that care about me. I really don't know what to do anymore, and sometimes I wish I can just die in my sleep.