Can't really tell you what my problems are because I just don't know. I am only writing this post because things were going pretty well for me lately: I got offered two great jobs, and I have been dating a girl that I like for two months. Now all of a sudden things are slowly slipping apart. My latest relationship with this woman I was dating is starting to slowly unwind because of my shitty habits and I am not sure if it is because of my depression, anxiety issues or whatever. I just don't know. She admits that I care about her and that I am nice and supportive but she does not like how I say I want to do things and then I end up forgetting about them or I just don't ever follow through with doing those things I mentioned. My other relationships failed and I suspect it might be because of issues like this. 

I have certain habits that have caused me a lot of harm. I am extremely forgetful. I have a very difficult time forming intimate relationships with other people, I am a poor sleeper and I almost always go to bed at 4-5 am every night. If I go to bed early one night like before 10 PM, I will make sure to screw that up by going to bed at 5 am the next night. This is a problem because I was offered a promising job that starts very early in the morning and ends in the afternoon (the shift) and I know this will be a bitch because of my sleep habits.

I am sometimes told that I am handsome, but almost every relationship I have had with a girl never lasted more than five months and I know it was all my fault. I guess you could say I can't date people successfully because I don't know how to be intimate with them. I don't really know how to be sensitive with them and I just don't feel the motivation tbh...that isn't to say that I am not nice to them, I am because I am often told that I am very friendly and kind and supportive. But my biggest problem is that I am indifferent to intimacy for the most part. At least I never felt that way until I started taking antidepressants. The antidepressants made me more confident and less anxious and indecisive, but still...these pills aren't really enough to fix my underlying issues. As I mentioned I am forgetful, but I am also indecisive and not detail oriented. I think I get distracted easily and I lack experience and feel anxious with a lot of adult things because I grew up sheltered and spoiled. My parents were stereotypical "helicopter parents" always doing things for me and babying me. They still do it to this day and I am now 29 years old. 

Without my meds, I am constantly battling wars in my head. My inner voice is constantly ruminating and thus dictating my feelings. I am often guilty of having a faulty perception of reality and other people. My thoughts will go on and on and I end up feeling exhausting just from thinking and feeling too much. The meds I am on have also helped me with not having bad dreams anymore. I was often having nightmares and I believe it was due to my anxiety. 

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and I also received a diagnosis for Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. I think I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder because everything worries me excessively. I have this absurd pissing ritual. Every night I keep getting up to turn my oscillating fan on and off..on and off...I get up to pee like 50 times throughout the night...I get up to check door handles even though I know they are locked because I checked them before. The peeing isn't a physical thing, it is literally all mental. My mind keeps telling me to get up and take a piss and check that door handle again and again because it is wired to keep convincing me to do so...there is no explanation other than this irrational fear that somehow I won't be able to sleep unless I pee just this one last time, that somehow my bladder will be too full for me to sleep and wake up in time for that darn appointment tomorrow or that job interview or anything that causes me to worry a lot. I have always felt like an outsider, and I often get the vibe that most people don't really like me so sometimes I try really hard to appear normal, conventional, 9-5, or whatever just so I can avoid rejection. Not sure what to do. I am feeling shitty after tonight. The day started out well when I aced an interview and got offered the job but then the night ended poorly when I got into a serious discussion with my gf about something that she felt unhappy with (something I was doing. I explained in paragraph one). The discussion was long and it wasn't an argument at least but it made me feel bad only because I feel like I am probably going to end up ruining this one just like all of the other ones. Again, I can't find true love for the life of me. I am incapable of this kind of thing and I feel broken because of it. I am at the point in my life where I want to live a normal life...you know...get into a relationship or get married, maybe have a kid if I can muster the energy and the time and resources, get a pet, work so I can provide for myself and my family. I don't want to just be a broken artist anymore. I've done that my whole life and even if you are passionate about your hobby, it isn't always enough in life. You get lonely as fuck when you are just doing something that most people really don't care about (at least when you do it).

 I want to have a balance between my work life, my personal life, my artist life. My art isn't to blame for my relationship issues right now and that is because I have actually been sort of neglecting it. Rather, it is more so a problem with my own medical/mental struggles. I am not sure what to do. I feel like my depression and anxiety will consistently try to be a barrier for me to live a normal healthy life. Just wanted to rant.