Okay this may not come out quite how I want it to, but hear me out.

I've had a lot of seriously negative experiences in life. To summarise, it's left me in a place where I cannot even think about a positive outcome with regards to most situations in life.

An example of this is, in the context of being lonely, I want to try and reach out to those I've either grown apart from, or have had things end over bad terms. My own personal experiences and my family's opinion of things dictate that I shouldn't ever entertain this option at all. 

Try to make better of a situation? Nope. Here's a (sometimes really) shitty thing that happens instead. Even if the intention came from from the heart. 

What's more impractical than anything else is, this specific mindset has begun to pollute all other aspects of my life that I can perceive. 

Go for that new job? Turns out it's a complete shitshow, and I end up having to get the fuck outta there. Back to square one.

Try to make up with that friend who stopped talking to you? Nah. I get it all thrown back at my face instead or ignored.

I often look on in disbelief when I hear stories of how people battled through the adversity to come out clean. Especially when it comes to people pursuing relationships and so on. I can't tell you the amount of times I've had people tell me they did some out there things, nothing crazy but not exactly conservative. 

I'm told this stuff happens to me because the world is full of bad people and bad things. That I just have to take it as it comes. 

But the thing is, I actually want to fight against this mindset of giving up and letting things just take their course (and run me down instead). I recently spoke to someone who said that in their life, they try to fight for what they want in it, and because of that they usually come out better off, and subsequently happier. 

Never have I felt so out of control of my life. I may not be entirely neurotypical, but surely the idea of just letting everything walk over me is not how to live this brief time we have on this planet?

When I present this idea to my family, all I get is "ah, there you see, that's why something isn't quite right with you."

Anyway, maybe I am mad. Who knows. But what do you think?