Hello! 

I'll try and keep this relatively short and sweet, but basically, I've spiralled. I've gone from, within the space of two weeks, living in central London with my boyfriend of two years juggling two part time retail jobs and really feeling like I've graduated into adulthood post-university  ... to............ sitting here, in my mums attic, writing this, slipping back into just smoking weed everyday and wanting to die. No job, no boyfriend, no real motivation and excitement for life beyond moments spent rekindling a relationship with an ex boyfriend I never really got over after he broke up with me the night before I left for university four years ago. 

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HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? 

Ok well, I should mention to begin with, this two year relationship I've left was textbook emotionally abusive. I'm still in the throe's of 'oh but was it that bad am I overthinking it, maybe I'm just too sensitive oh god maybe it's all my fault', but nah man. I don't want to go in depth but the trigger for me leaving was when I experienced an intense crying spell while out with his friends, and he made it clear I was an embarrassment, and abandoned me on an unfamiliar bus, and then later in the evening when I eventually arrived home I tried to explain how I'd been feeling suicidal whilst apologising for ruining his evening, and he told me I should go ahead and off myself. Oh and then in the morning mid panic attack he told me I embarrassed him, and that I don't need to go to the gp because 'I'm lazy and I just want drugs'. ahhhhh 

it was horrid, I pinpoint this moment as the moment the spiral picked up speed to the point where I really, really, really wasn't in control. I had work in an hour and I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't function, I was shaking. I tell a close friend how I've been feeling and what I've been struggling with and she says, in no uncertain terms, that I need to move out and get professional support. Before I know it, I've essential quit my two jobs, packed some sort of suitcase of shit, and left a note explaining that I can't be in a relationship that's emotionally abusive.

Cool. So now I'm staying with a friend with a few days, cool. Shes absurdly supportive and without her I probably would've returned to that relationship out of fear of change, the unknown, and guilt.  Cool. Her parents are visiting and offer to lift me back to our hometown where I can chill with my mum and my sister. Cool. Chill. Sweet, fucking, digs. 

At this point I'm dissociating to the point where I'm just. not. there. I am deep deep deep in the centre of a fish bowl, watching things happen on the outside as if I wasn't the reason these things were happening. Yet of course I was the reason. I made all these decisions didn't I? But why? Was it because I didn't want to go to work that weekend? Was it because I was struggling with suicidal ideation and a recent incident of self harm? Was it because the relationship I was in was emotionally abusive? Was it just because I'm a fucking mess? The descent into my existential crisis was too fast for me to keep up? Hungover? All these reasons? I don't know. I wasn't sure what was happening or why it was happening or how it was happening it was just happening and THEN MORE HAPPENED. 

Ok, I'm sorry, this isn't short or sweet. This is clearly a desperate attempt post-breakdown to unravel my thoughts and process exactly what has happened and why. I thought I could make it punchy and at least engaging but now it's just dragging, but I must get to the juicy bit. The juicy bit is the bit that makes me happy even though it's sad and it brings me a sort of joy but with a caveat of deep abandonment issues and intense emotional pain. 

On the drive back home, I am suddenly, just, overwhelmed with an intense longing and warm nostalgia for my ex boyfriend. Not the one in London, no no no no. no. NEIN. I am speaking about The One That Got Away. A boyfriend I had for 6 months when I was 18 before university. I've never gotten over this guy. Time has healed other failed relationships, but nooo, not this guy. Not this dude for some reason.  I've just had to repress and control and numb how I feel for four years (so you know, I don't cry in the shower about him every other day or drink myself to death or engage in an absurd amount of meaningless sex in an effort to simulate his touch). However, I'm aware what I feel is an isotope of what I felt when I was 18. It's the same feeling, but less atomic mass.

 I message him that I'm in my home county. He replies suggesting we meet tonight. I ignore more calls and messages from my ex london boyfriend as me and The One Who Got Away innocently make plans to watch some old films and have some wine and pizza.  Cool. Sweet digs. I have a gut feeling. I've always had this gut feeling but I've denied this gut feeling. Now I feel like, in this strange, vacuous mental state, its a feeling I can hold on to. 

At one point in the night he's like 'i made a mistake four years ago blah blah blah blah blah I was an idiot and I really like you and we should save up some money together blah blah blah blah lets cuddle' and it felt and sounded too good to be true but good god I felt so at peace. I had not felt more at peace than in that moment when he held me in his arms and stroked my hair. I could've cried. I've had dreams about him holding me and then suddenly that feeling washes over me and everything is calm. I can't describe it. I can't explain it. And I can't feel it without being close to him. 

I am now in a casual relationship with him, but here's the fucking kicker that makes this ever ever ever ever so fucked up and sad and pathetic; he wants to pursue a no strings attached sexual relationship with his ex girlfriend (who he essentially left me for four years ago) but wants to lie to her about our situation because apparently she has a 'complex' about me SO in order to lie more effectively to her he only wants to cuddle me, mostly. Most of the time. It's mostly cuddling. This is fine. We can't get too attached because we don't know how long we'll be around. This is fine. He wants to sleep with other people. Fine, understandable. Sure. Yes, I am absolutely completely chill with this. You said a bunch of stuff the first night you had me round and then you changed your mind, fine. Cool. Swell. Sweet digs. I am very aware that this will emotionally devastate the living FUCK out of me very soon but maybe, just maybe, you'll change your mind. You'll become attached. I'll be enough. 

and I still haven't spoken to my ex and I keep getting messages from him that make me feel a lot of confused guilt and I definitely feel guilt but I don't care because maybe I'm a cunt and I missed my graduation and I've isolated myself from all my very concerned friends and I had a dream last night that my dad was a lobster and I'm thinking I should go back to sex work because it's the only job I enjoyed and allowed me to live a life that doesn't make me want to kill myself but nobody understands me on that point so it's not exactly a good life plan to present to my parents and now I'm just rambling and I'm sorry that this is so long it's just a lot of junk has happened and I can't afford a therapist and my gp hasn't gotten back to me about referring me to the mental health team and look I'm just trying to change my sheets today and smoke a j and do some washing and arrange to eat at pizza express with my dysfunctional casual relationship but I did this instead and now I'll go and do those things cool

sweet digs

Thanks for reading 

(Any thoughts on my situation are welcome. Or if you have similar spiral stories. Or if you just want to chat. Or if you want to tell me I'm a fucking mess and need to get my shit together. Idk. I'm here for all levels of interaction with people who understand because I feel ashamed to explain this to friends who probably wouldn't. )

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