Hi,

I' am new to this subreddit and have been reading lots. I was seeing a girl with BPD about a month ago for 2 months. For whatever reason, she split me black and that was it. I still miss her a lot and have been ruminating a lot on a few of the conversations we had. 

The one particular conversation followed an exchange we had about 1.5 months into being together:

It was a wednesday night and I went around to her apartment and had dinner with her. She was about to take a shower and I made a cheeky reference to us having sex later. She said "tonight, I just want to cuddle, I don't want to have sex every night". That was fine by me even though I was really keen to have sex with her. I mentioned something to the effect  of "you know what us guys are like, hehe, we could have sex every day"... something like that. She said "so if I wasn't here, what would you do?" to which I replied "I would use my hand or find someone else". She walked into the bathroom and closed to door for her shower. 

I was merely being cheeky and personally assumed that she meant if she didn't exist. If she wasn't here, in my life. If I didn't know her... Hypothetically. 

So she comes out 15mins later and wouldn't look at me and was storming around her room. I knew I had fucked up. Keep in mind, I didn't know she had BPD at this point but I know it would rub a lot of people up the wrong way, but as I said. I had been cheeky with her before and it wasn't really a drama. 

I ran over to say "I'm sorry, if it is about that comment I made?" and she basically got really angry and said "Why would you say that if you didn't mean it?!!", "You obviously meant it if you said it even if it was tongue in cheek!!". I said sorry and explained that I assumed she meant if she wasn't in my life, but she said she meant it in the way that if she wasn't there on that particular night. I tried to explain it and then she said something like "I'm not upset about you being with someone else, just that you think I'm an idiot and need to tell me that if I wasn't around, you'd find someone else!!!". 

This totally removed her from a caring role in our relationship and seemed a big like she was trying to distance herself and it hurt me. 

She calmed down a bit and we went to bed and she said she was fine. However, she wouldn't come over and cuddle me like she normally did. I asked again if it was what I said before was still on her mind. She said that when I said that comment it didn't suprise her at all and she was like "I knew it", (she had constantly been accusing me of being a player and would get bored and leave her after a couple months for weeks up til this night). I tried to say I really liked her and want to only be with her and she then said "I don't know if I am as invested in this as you are?". I was thinking 'wtf, you booked a trip for my birthday in two months time', but didn't say it. She was really quiet and would take like 1-2 minutes to reply to me. She then said "I'm trying to imagine you at a bar talking to some girls and I don't know if it wouldn't bother me because I trust you because I don't care enough yet?". The whole convo seemed like she was really numb to the idea of 'us'. I was asking her if I slept with one and she said "then I wouldn't want to see you again". This conversation really mind fucked me because she was super keen and always talking positively about us etc. I said "I know you want to tell me more of your feelings about us but you're holding back", and she said "I have to protect myself and let it drip out slowly". 

Can someone shed some light on this? I'm sure she did like me but this is some kind of dissociation behavior is it not? Everything about her tone and energy just changed. 