It was around November 2020. I was in year 2 of 2 my final year of college. I was supposed to graduate this year in April 2021. 

I stated my program in September 2019 as normal. It was mainly meant to be a very hands on program. But then the pandemic hit in 2020 and we were all forced into remote learning. I didn't have a problem with that at the beginning. I really struggled with depression and anxiety during my first year and I really did struggle in school as I wasn't doing well. I barely passed my first year.

Fast forward to September 2020 going on to my final year. It was all remote learning but with some instances of in person learning. It was a multimedia program with photography, videography, graphic design, web design, media writing, etc.. But when I started my second year I realized that I couldn't focus at all during remote learning. Even though I could ask questions during video classes it just wasn't the same. I felt like I was pretty much on my and left to figure things out for myself.

But then come mid November 2020. I realize that I was failing 2 of my 6 classes and in danger of failing another. I wasn't doing too well in my other class either. For two assignments from those two classes I was failing, I totally bombed them. I never did well in those classes despite me trying my hardest. Now I'm not blaming my failures on my mental health, that's on me, I don't care. I take full responsibility for my failures. I'm not necessarily a lazy or careless student and I while I'm not an academic exemplar, I do try to complete my assignments on time 

But at the same time, I really wasn't in the right state of mind. My depression and anxiety got worse that year. Mid November was when I hit my breaking point. It was a Sunday morning. I was laying on the couch just with extreme anxiety over my failures in school. I was just spaced out. I realized that my body started to get weaker and weaker. I felt all my energy was drained and I had to muster up every last bit of strength to drag myself to my bedroom. 

I instantly went to sleep. After a while I woke up and at that point I literally couldn't move at all. I felt sick and stated having chills. I don't know if it was some underlying sickness or what. But I felt very weak that day. I could barely eat or stay awake.

I felt that was my breaking point. That was it. There was no hope of me passing my courses or being able to get my grades back up in time. Just thinking about school really stressed me out. That's when I decided to drop out entirely.

Now mind you that since I mainly plan on going into photography and videography as a freelancer, a college degree isn't necessarily required. I do have a bit of experience (not a pro) in those fields. So dropping out isn't necessarily going to negatively impact my future. But the fact that I dropped out makes me feel like a total failure and I fear that will haunt me for the rest of my life. 

I've also been working part time at my local store during school. I'm now considering seeking professional help. I know of one facility in my region and my workplace has connections to mental health counseling. I sometimes just have trouble reaching out or telling someone at work. My boss is a pretty cool guy and he cares for his employees. He always asks how I'm doing and seems genuinely concerned. I feel like I could come clean to him. But my HR manager is a different story since she's the one who mainly deals with that kind of stuff. She's kinda mean (although she's a tiny bit nicer now) she temporarily replaced my old HR manager who's on remote assignment (whatever that means). The old HR manager was really nice and understanding compared to the current one.

I tried telling my mom about it but the doesn't believe me and just thinks I'm weak, especially as a young, 22 year old male. I feel that makes it kinda more difficult to seek help. I'm sometimes tempted to get into smoking weed (I'm in Canada so recreational use is completely legal) and drinking just to try and cope. When I'm depressed I imagine myself smoking a blunt. I've never done those things before and never wanted to but I just feel so depressed and anxious I'm getting to the point where I just don't care about myself anymore.

People at work and my mom always keep asking me how's school. I have to keep lying to them saying "it's good". It's like people are cheering me on. I'm kinda getting tired of having to lie to people. I'm scared of what people would think if I told them the truth that I dropped out. They'd probably think negatively of me.

I haven't officially been diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a professional, but I've been feeling those things for over 2 years now. I've dropped out of school mainly because of it (again not blaming my mental health I take full responsibility). Now I just don't know what the future holds.