I know not all people with BPD are the same, we are all different. No one is perfect &amp; we all have this one, precious life. To me, all life is precious.
So I don't mean to offend or upset anyone. Please read and if possible, I would like a person with BPD to give me their thoughts and perspective of it.
If you are on the Reddit BPD forums, then you are most certainly trying to actively help yourself to be a better person. Which I think is awesome :)
So it is not about you personally at all, many thanks in advance.

About ten years ago, I had a relationship with a woman who has BPD. She was so abusive and violent that it gave me trauma.
She could see it happening to me, but was unable to control herself. So she blamed my feelings saying I was too sensitive.

It really began when she had to take me to hospital, because of the first physical attack.
Then it all went roller coaster. I don't even understand why it happened, as I remember, I was just speechless..

The same weekend, I got this email:

My dear *******!

When I think of you as you might be confused and sad I feel very sad myself. I don't want to be cruel to you although I guess I already have been. What I said about you fucking the next person was mean and I wish I hadn't. And above that it implies that we are finished, that it's over.
But really I didn't make a decision like that at all and when you said that it's probably good that I make a decision I didn't reply to that because I felt empty with no feeling and energy left. The only thing I knew was to slip away that moment because I couldn't bare it no longer. I was trapped in myself and didn't know which way to turn.
******** I am aware that this email reaches you when it's probably too late. I can understand if you tried to get used to the idea that all is over. I'm sorry to disturb you again if thoughts kind of settled in you already. I don't mean to play you, I don't have a plan nor a clue, All I know is that I think that you are a great person that is kind, concerned, funny, very sensitive, that you are aiming to do the right thing and you are prepared to try out new ways. You are open, curious - alive. You are a beautiful man with a wonderful scent. You have opened yourself so much to me, you showed yourself vulnerable and not proud (in a negative sense).I thank you for all this and at the same time I'm sad and sorry that I do not seem to be able to handle it. I know very well that I ruined what we had by this stupid, stupid thing I did. And I know that I am twisted in my emotions, that I have problems with accepting love without suspicion. That I am paranoid that people try to manipulate me and that I havn't developed ways to deal with stress other than coldness and numbness of emotion. I'm so sorry that I make things so complicated, you deserve unconditional love, healthy love and healing love. I don't want to stress you even more, especially not on a Sunday night, I know you must be tired. I just want you to know that I respect you and in many ways you showed me how to be and handle things. I'm not saying I'm a good student but you planted ideas in me that I definitely  want to put into action.
Ok ********, whatever happens I hope you know that I'll go to any doctor with you you need, but of course I hope you don't need one.
I am so sorry to be responsible for sadness, gief and sorrow, disappointment and maybe hate.
I think of you all the time..
*******

Two weeks after this email, she smashed a door into my face. It knocked me out and when I woke, I found she was repeatedly slamming the door onto my head.
I staggered home &amp; washed the blood from my mouth.
The apologies stopped coming by email, they were only whispered in my ear when no one else was about.
No doubt to prevent, possible, later incrimination.

Choking, shoving, kicking and punching all came next.

Eventually it was too much. I left &amp; went no contact.
Then had six months or so PTSD. I was shaking like sh*t.

Then I forgave her. Because I didn't want to live my life being bitter either.

But just to make sure that I paid for my crimes of being a great person, showing kindness, concern and sensibility and of deserving love in lots of different healthy ways..
She started a smear campaign.. that I only just recently heard about (my no-contact was so good in fact) it was epic apparently and almost global thanks to the digital age.



I loved her! I never hit her back, I am not an abusive person, I learnt everything I could about BPD, I tried to support her, I took her to all her therapy sessions.
I even kept all the abuse secret for all these years.

What on earth is that about? Why would she do that? Isn't that a bit too much?

Apparently my all nice colleagues and bosses thought I was a violent stalker :O I only found out a few months ago. I'm still speechless &amp; don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I was never back in her town since I left, not for a second. I never contacted her. I never searched after her. I never asked after her.
And I have never reacted to the smear, never tried to defend myself.. I have occasionally felt like confronting her. Whatever that means (email?) but honestly, I can't be bothered.
I really cared about her, yet she was soooo devious. Is it something worse than BPD?
I am not angry (all the time) about it, but it does annoy me that she needs to go to such lengths for attention.
Oh she is such a silly billy.. (not the actual words I would use)

any perspectives, anyone? (apart from my co-dependent enabling schmlabling, that was my life lesson, not.doing.it.again)

I am all fine and healed now, mentally and physically. I have a wonderful girlfriend now that I wouldn't have met if this hadn't have happened.
So I don't regret my experience but I don't entirely understand it either.
Perhaps I should just leave it at that, no more mulling over meaning and move on?

Comments greatly appreciated. Thanks again!

Big hugs &amp; I wish you all a Happy New Year :-))))))))

