Sorry if this sounds like ranting but everything hurts, physically. I feel like I have the flu 85 percent of the time and I live vicariously through my Facebook friends. To give you a picture of how little control I have over my body, I am bed-bound and injured my trachea by trying to crawl from the bed to the bathroom and slipping and slamming my neck and chin into the arm chair. 

I’m not religious but I often comfort myself by telling myself I was a serial murderer, a war criminal rapist, or a fascist in my past life and now I am paying for it being reincarnated by being born from despair into a small Asian female with horrible body aches and who keeps getting sexually assaulted. I’ve read “the egg” story and try to tell myself that humanity is a collective consciousness and that I am now paying penance for the pillaging and sexual horror I inflicted in past lives. What is horrible is believing I am simply suffering for nothing and that no such collective consciousness exists. I know the universe has no obligation towards justice; that and attachment to life and the living are human folly. 

I wish there was a way for people to induce comas or cryogenically freeze people until they can be reawakened when the medicine or technology that exists that could give them their life back is finally invented and available to the masses. I don’t want to watch life pass me by, my life claimed by the invisible chains of pain strapping me down and torturing me.

The only things that feel truly real are physical pain, chemical terror, and the emptiness that is both inside me and ceaselessly staring me in the face, looking through me even though it has no eyes. And the aches in my bones that my doctors do not believe.