I am not in danger to myself, but it's so hard to live with knowing you're a bad person. Knowing you've hurt people. There's a woman who didn't answer me for a while and I kept asking if she's mad, she insisted she isn't mad and then blocked me on everything. It's small things like that, but they happen all the time. I mean she said I wasn't bothering her and she wasn't mad, so I kept saying hi occasionally. And I am not blaming BPD, I just dunno where else to post this. And another time I accidentally stole a $3 box of cereal from the grocery store. I have messaged other people, a lot, because I thought they were mad.

I feel like a monster. Like if Dexter was real he'd take me out.

I have an internship coming up (photography) and the first woman often works with the person I am interning for. If I happen to meet her I won't say anything, but I feel like if I lose my coop because of this then..well, of course, it's my fault. No way around that.

I've been messaging everyone I've hurt and writing them an apology. Not a half-assed apology either. A good apology. I found a podcast on apologies and I used that to help me. I wrote one tonight and the person blocked me instantly. I hate that I used to make people uncomfortable.

It's so hard to live with all the pain I've caused so I developed new rules. 1) I cannot make friends. if I make friends, people will get mad at me. 2) I should stick to still life and product photography while I unfuck my brain. I love portraiture, but if I can't message people without asking if they're mad at me, then I shouldn't be messaging people.

I apologize that some parts here are vague.