One of my least favourite things about this disorder is the black and white driven impulsivity followed by hyper-self-awareness and shame. In the moment of triggering, I'm a bull in a china shop, my blood boils, eyes wild, muscles tensed, I scream, shout and the world around me caves in. It all feels like it's going to end. I do impulsive things - I lash out at those that care, I start fights, I act on suicidal ideation and I break things. I say things I never would normally mean. I things I would never normally do. When the storm calms, I look back at the mess I created. I look at the scars on my arms. The people close to me traumatised, terrified and taking distance. The lost relationships. Days wasted. These were the last things on earth that I wanted to happen. Yet I caused them. My one dream in life is stability. Why do I keep creating instability? When I'm triggered and I feel the splitting, the catastrophising, the panic, why can't I just take a step back and engage in what I learn in therapy? Yes, I'm hurting, yes I feel things very intensely, but that doesn't mean I'm a lost cause and I can consistently act this way. I can still overcome this. This has happened a million times before, it's become cyclical. Why can't I just realise what I'm doing in the moment for once? It's like I'm just drowning myself on purpose, constantly pulling myself underwater when there's people with their hands out ready to save me. I know it takes time, it takes therapy, persistence and practice. But I can't keep letting things go south. Not at this time in my life when I have the world at my feet. I'm going to lose everything I love and all the incredible opportunities in my life if I let this disorder win. It's a fucking battle. I hope I win next time.