throw away tho i follow this sub on my real account. early 30s F, struggling with bipolar 2 since 2014 (officially). i lost my job a few months back which has triggered the darkest depression i’ve seen yet. 

i’ve gotten into this dirty apartment cycle before. i will “clean” it - surface clean, throw away all of the visibly gross stuff, sweep, vacuum but for the most part it’s a lot of shoving. into closets, bathroom, bedroom. then slowly but surely the filth builds up again. 
i’ve always managed to finagle my way out of having guests over, my partner of over a year has never even been to my place. he used to think that was funny and odd but now it’s just something we don’t speak of. 

started cleaning the other day because of a routine maintenance visit i have coming up. i was instantly crippled. i have barely left bed since. this is the worst it’s ever been. there are boxes everywhere. dishes, cans, cups, garbage bags, trash everywhere. i can’t even move freely in many areas.  

i feel so ashamed. so disgusted. i can’t sleep, i have nightmares about the filth. about my cat dying. about being evicted. about being covered in bugs. 
it’s starting to creep out of my unit. i’m terrified of being exposed. i don’t even know where to begin. i’m so overwhelmed. i feel so alone. i have a beautiful apartment with beautiful furniture that I’m destroying with filth. i need help but I’m scared. 

this is an ask for suggestions, motivation, an ear, an outlet.