This might make a lot of people angry, idk.. 

I've posted here a lot, I've tried to be open and honest about my feelings, my perspectives, and hoped that at least in sharing them that it would help people. 

But it seems that no matter what I post, no matter what comment I make or how I feel.. its downvoted. 

The other day I wrote a rather lengthy, very tear filled "non-note note." Basically.. I WANTED to kill myself... but I knew that I wasn't going to be able to. I've never been able to. I apparently enjoy suffering. 

The next morning it was downvoted. 

Dude.. they downvoted a cry for help? I'm not even that kind of animal. I don't downvote ANYTHING unless its obviously like.. some attack on me personally. I don't see how a suicide note is an attack on them personally.. so what the fuck?

I get that this is a safe space.. or its supposed to be.. but.. like.. if I can't say anything without being declared wrong or invalidated by what I say.. I mean what am I just not BPD enough? My experiences don't count? They're wrong? Sorry.. I don't feel like you do so you must be wrong. That's not how any of this shit is supposed to work! Isn't that how we fucking got here in the first fucking place?? Being emotionally invalidated at every turn? isolated? stripped of our humanity and raised in solitary confinement like some sort of trophy? "Look at us we know how to produce babies!" yea even flies fuck its not impressive. Abuse has many flavors.. doesn't make any of it right, but doesn't make it ok for someone to judge it and say "na.. you weren't abused enough, sorry." 

I don't enjoy having this condition and I don't  want it... but I keep hoping that if I participate here maybe I can break some of my social anxiety and help others in some small way, if not myself. Maybe I can learn some coping skills, meet people that feel the same way, increase my understanding and thereby my sense of self control.

And yet... they just tell me to fuck off. 

Ya know.. I guess I'm a fuckup everywhere...  This is why I keep deleting my posts and comments because I get fucking attacked for opening my mouth. Just like I did when I was growing up. Just like I do even now, even on the conference call I had this morning. 

I don't leave my house. I mean crazy virus shit aside. I don't go outside. I don't go shopping, I tinted the windows in my car so that people are less able to see me on the road.  I don't like being looked at, don't like being seen, don't like being judged because its ALWAYS negative and hateful. 

I keep hoping that there's some reason for.. anything.. ya know.. some point to any of this nonsense? Somewhere.. fuckin.. ANYWHERE.. where my existence is valid. 

Guess its not here.. guess its not anywhere. Isn't it something.. a hollow blob of jelly that can't fit into any shape or any group anywhere.. 

fuck me. 

Ya know the ONLY way I've been able to socially adapt is online. There's a wall of control between me and this screen. I can't throw things or scream or punch the other person in the face but I can easily leave a conversation, I guess. 

I'm always fucking perpetually naive about kindness. It doesn't fuckin exist and I should stop pretending it does. How the hell does this species operate?? I feel like an alien.