I've noticed that compared to some people I regularly interact with on reddit that my karma is pretty low. They're all likable people and I'm not I guess and it feels shitty. In.the past I gave zero shits about upvotes but people talked about them so much that I began to be more aware of it. Now I feel bad if I realize I don't think to upvote people and I feel bad that my votes are low, that I'm doing something wrong.

The votes are there to move the most helpful posts to the top, that seems reasonable in most subs where facts are involved. In support subs everyone has different personal experiences and the votes may indicate popular agreement but not necessarily helpfulness to OP. Also most posts don't get so many responses for the votes to be of much practical use, so why notice tjem?

 I feel bad that people don't like posts when I try very hard to be helpful or supportive. It's like my best is nothing and I'm an unlikeable, worthless person. I feel like when I try to support people that I used to get more enthusiasm and now people ignore them like I've done something wrong, and that feeds into my whole history of emotional abuse and worthlessness.

 I don't know if my behavior is truly bad or not, it could be a result of gaslighting or not being aware of a behavior because I was socialized in a dysfunctional environment, I would not consciously choose bad behavior, I'm scared I'm missing something. I keep feeling like I'm subnormal and want to punish myself by dying becauss nothing else is punishing enough.

I don't know where all this SHIT is coming from, it seems like it's just welling up for no reason. In the past I worried if I was helpful or not, but I didn't take this whole dysfunctional bullshit trajectory down into a hole.

