I hope the title makes sense.

I know a lot of people have the feeling of being an outsider, but does anyone seem like they're literally just a very different person than those they grew up/live around? 

Like, I can't remember whether it was a BPD forum or ASD/social anxiety forum, but I remember reading someone saying they've lived in the same area their whole life and people there often assume they're from far away and ask where they're from. I feel like that's me, and I'm not sure whether it's a BPD thing. I feel super out of place and always have. 

&amp;#x200B;

I know it was shitty of me and I'm trying to be less judgmental but when I was younger especially, I felt a lot of the people in the area I grew up in were too "hillbilly"ish. I hated the thought of being like that, and literally felt repulsed and ashamed any time I thought I might be perceived that way. Like I said, I feel bad for being judgmental, but it's not voluntary and I literally feel *disgusted* with myself whenever I see any of those things in me, way more when I was young but even a little now. Like if I have the slightest *hint* of an accent (it's not quite the south but some here have a bit of a similar accent), or if I use incorrect grammar (I was basically obsessive about this when I was younger), or a ton of other things. 

This is a little longer than I meant this to be, but I guess my point is, it's like even those who aren't exactly "popular" in an area or don't just totally fit right in and aren't in love with the area they live in still just belong. Other people seem to be fine with it, even if they aren't exactly right in the middle of their community and it's not their ideal town, they live and fit in somewhat. It's like my self-loathing and shame and embarrassment go beyond myself and extend to anything associated with me that could be seen as negative. I can't stand it here and know I don't belong, yet I know I can't get away from it and find anywhere I do belong. Like, if I'm in the city or somewhere that feels less... let's just call it rural, I feel out of place and disgusted with myself, and assume everyone is judging me for all those things I mentioned.

Basically, even if I don't like where I'm from and have always felt a bit of an unfortunate secret hostility toward a lot of people around me, there's a part of me that hates that and would rather *be* those things that I don't even like if it meant feeling like I belonged somewhere.