I always found it difficult to have real connection with people. I never really knewed why. Because I have bpd, because I am different. 

The last months I realised that I almost don't communicate with people. I am social. I'm not afraid to speak to strangers or to speak in groups. But I can't really talk about anything. 

People can tell story's for hours. Some people I know never stop talking. I just feel like I don't have anything to say. I just say things short. But I think now that I must be a really boring person. 

I have an adventurous life. But I just don't feel the need to talk about it all the time. Or maybe I do, but I feel like I can't. 

I have one friend with who I can talk for hours. I can be truly myself. I have deeper conversations with her. 

I think because nobody else really know me the way I really am that I can't talk with them about my life.

I don't know. It’s hard to explain. I wish it was easy for me to talk. I feel insecure about myself and the things that I should say. That I think about it too much and then don't say anything at all. I don't like to be with people one by one that I don't know too well, because I am afraid I don't know what to say. But then also in groups I can't participate in the conversation. When I want to say something I feel like nobody listens and then I don't even finish my sentence. 

I think I have this because of my childhoud. I come from a big family. But we almost never talked. My father was always arguing at the table. So we said nothing. Also now nobody asks about my life. When I come back home from holiday they ask how it was. I say good and then that’s it. They don't want to hear any story's.  

Also my exboyfriend talked a lot. He was always talking story's about everything. I felt comfortable with that I think, because I am used to listen and not talk much. 

But now since the breakup he makes me feel like I am worth nothing and I realise more now that I act that way to people. I am being invisble. But I want to be seen. I want people to hear my story's. To get to know me for who I really am. But I don't know how. I don't know what to say. I don't feel like people are waiting for me. 

Maybe someone feels this way as well?