I honestly cannot stand this anymore. My entire senior year throughout highschool has been absolutely horrendous due to multiple lockdowns caused by COVID-19 concerns and now that I'm in college, finally meeting people who I genuinely get along with it all goes to hell once more. 

Online class is just dreadful. Its all filled with cheaply put together difficult to follow PowerPoints (I study mathematics, so this might be the worst possible way to learn) with little to no engagement from our professors. I've recently just stopped following the online classes where its not mandatory to attend to save myself the frustration. 

Outside of school my life is absolutely empty. I hate my family, I hate the people I live with, I have no friends nearby, and I don't have a girlfriend to spend time with either. I just sit in my room all day doing nothing but studying, watching YouTube or playing videogames (can't go out to a bar to fill the void either because... you know). 

I've also been struggling with suicidal thoughts (probably won't ever come to actually doing it). I just can't stop thinking about why it is at all beneficial to live if in the end nothing matters anyway. In a million years there isn't going to be a single person left to care about if I lived a happy life or not. What's the point of living if we all fall into nothingness in the end (since I am not religious, I am pretty convinced there is nothing waiting for me on the other side). If I would die today, it wouldn't be much different to dying in 50 years, 60 years or whatever. 

All of this dread is accompanied by just constant pain in my soul. Nothing makes me happy anymore and whenever I laugh or show any sign of positivity this little voice in the back of my head subtly reminds of how miserable I should be.