I don’t really know how to describe this, but please bear with me as I stumble through some words looking for the right ones. 

My therapist usually says, “Why don’t we start off with what you’re feeling in your body?” whenever I am unable to articulate a feeling, so I guess I will start here. 

Physically I am tense, on edge, almost bated breath. I feel electric. In the sense that you know overhead power lines, and you can hear the crackle in the air, and everything becomes a bit staticky? That’s what it feels like in my veins. 

It’s not the same as a panic attack, it’s less dread, and more... like I’ve driven my car off of the edge of a cliff in a torrential downpour and as it’s falling, everything just.. stops. 

I’m looking at myself in this car frozen falling halfway down a cliff side, the rain and wind that was lashing around, tearing my clothes to shreds only moments ago has ceased to move.

And I’m just waiting. I’m just staring at this scene and expecting. Obviously, I know the outcome is catastrophic, but it’s not moving, nothing is moving! I’m trapped here in this perpetual, colossal downward momentum, and nothing is moving. 

Mentally, I am exhausted. My head is running a billion miles a minute, I can’t get it to slow down, I can’t get control of my thoughts. So much so that I’m not even sure if they are my thoughts anymore. I need that control back. I need to be able to move the steering wheel or press the brake pedal but it’s out of my control and I’m on the edge, I’m on the periphery of some huge crash and I’m terrified. 

Terrified of this stupid metaphor that I can’t get to make any sense. I’m terrified. 