I've been getting some pretty intense and rapid mood swings, going from happy and giggly to jealous and angry to depressed and self loathing to only go back to being normal and happy. When I get these while I'm on my own or at least able to keep these feelings to myself it's still distressing, frustrating and draining but I can get through it. It's a painful experience but at least I'm the only one going through it.

However there are plenty of times that I just can't keep it silent and I go through these mood swings with my words and actions too, I seem to get it most when I'm with my boyfriend since my bpd symptoms come out most when I'm in a relationship. I can see that it's distressing to him too and that when I'm back to being all loving and bubbly, he's left drained and confused. We'll be having a normal night, cuddling and watching a movie or preparing for dinner, he'll say something small that for some reason irks me and suddenly I've stopped everything to focus in on this one thing. One thing leads to another and we're frustrated with eachother, maybe even in an argument. 

Something will set me off and it will either trigger anger or jealousy, frustration or irritation, I get short tempered and snap until I realise that I'm probably in the wrong or at least I've over reacted and escalated it to a point that could've easily been avoided but I couldn't let it go. As soon as I've realised this I switch to self loathing and try to apologise profusely and make it up which has worked so far but I don't like that I get stuck in that loop. The mood swings are even worse when nothing even triggers it, when the switch flips without anything even happening. That's the most confusing for him.

I don't know how to get a hold of myself during these moments, it's not until after do I realise that it was a mood swing and was probably unjustified but that doesn't help me in the moment. I guess I could learn to live with these feelings but it kills me that it hurts him too. I wish I could just handle my emotions normally and not go from 0 to 100 to -50 and back to 0 all within an hour, or atleast help him to understand what it is that I'm going through so he didn't take it personally and so that he could possibly help bring me back to reality so I didn't have to fight it on my own.