Hello all. I’m 21/f and I’m honestly at my wits end. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. Especially the past week, where I’ve had covid, I cannot escape any of my thoughts.

I have heavy depression and anxiety. I tend to get them in episodes, that last a few weeks to a few months. They’ve been coming on more frequently lately. Im on 10mg Celexa and have been for a couple of years, and I am trying to discuss with my doctor on either upping or changing my medication, because nothing is working anymore. 

I’m struggling to work, go to school, and even hang out and talk to my friends. I crave being alone but when I’m alone I’m overcome by my anxiety. I feel the physical symptoms of anxiety all the time. I can’t eat, my limbs are heavy, my heart beats out of my chest, and I cry constantly. Every time I’m with my friends or try to hang out I feel like I have to escape. It’s like a constant fight or flight. Maybe I can distract myself for a while by enjoying a good show or video essay, but I always come back to feeling like nothing matters.

I’m especially concerned because I graduate college this semester and obviously need to get a full time job/move out sometime after that. I’m just so scared I won’t be able to manage my anxiety living on my own. My dad has always been my rock in terms of helping me with my anxiety, so I’m very scared about that.

I also have extreme existential dread, mostly the fear of eternity. In high school I went to a therapist for it but it never helped and I just had to put it out of my mind. It comes up in my mind every few months but when it does, like now, it’s debilitating. I can’t think of anything else. I just want to escape.

There are so many things I love that I can’t even think about how. Books, certain anime, YouTubers, etc. I love to dance and I quit my dance crew, which I founded, because I can’t bring myself to go to practice. i just feel nothing. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I’m honestly wondering if there’s any point to living like this, if I wouldn’t be better off ending it all. 

Does anyone have any advice? I’m at my wits end and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m in a box that’s continuing to shrink until eventually it will crush me.