At least when I was deeply depressed I had motivation. Maybe it was motivation to kill myself but at least I had something to look forward to. There was an end, a finality. I was making plans and focusing on burial prep.I was almost relieved some days.
It would all be over soon.When I was hypomanic I had motivation and I felt alive at least.



Now? My mood is lifted enough to brush and floss, shower more, take vitamins, laugh and smile sometimes.   But also not enough lifted mood  to actually get dressed,  do my hair or leave the house or work. And you get to be aware of all the things that you’ve done wrong to fuck yourself up.. When you’re depressed you don’t really see the damage you’re doing to yourself so being blind is almost like bliss. For example I’m brushing and flossing now but I have to get a front tooth removed due to cavities from when I was depressed and didn’t give a shit. and my teeth are still chipping off in places because of the previous yrs of not doing shit to take care of them. As women we are  judged harshly in society for our looks, so it’s pretty devastating.. 



The sleepiness that comes with my deep depression is still here, just less so. So yeah it’s great that I finally get out of bed now &amp;  do my exercises, take my vitamins, take therapy and medication,  do self-love workbook homework….but then after that I just sit there and I feel empty and dead. I don’t really put on clothes or do my hair. I don’t leave the house still.




Find a goal or a hobby you might say. 
Well what originally helped lift my depression was hobby/career motivation. I decided I wanted to get back into acting. It was always a dream of mine. So I started showering and brushing and flossing and seeing the dentist. But all for the dentist to tell me that I’m gonna have missing teeth now. 
I don’t know what I’m doing any of this for.