It’s like, any time I start to claw my way into a better place mentally, god decides to fuck me over and drown me in anxiety again. I don’t even want to go outside of my house now, because I’m either dissociated or having one of those weird “I’m better than everyone” moments. Or I’m looking for attention. It’s so weird, I’ll be thinking of how doing certain things can get me more attention when doing them even though I know that’s wrong and not what I really want but I can’t control myself. 

And then the fact that every relationship I have, be it romantic or platonic, I manage to fuck it up. I always end up texting first and spamming people because I’m so afraid they’ll leave and then I get so clingy it drives them away. So I stopped texting first and putting in effort, and I never put anything into a relationship anymore unless the other person does which makes it seem like I’m not interested. I can’t win. 

I’m just so mad at myself that I can’t be more normal. It’s not that hard, but I can’t fucking do it and I’m so sick of this.