I don’t even know where to start. 

I graduated with honors. Right after graduation, I got offered to work immediately in a prestigious organization. High-satisfaction and high-paying job. A year later, I got fired because my workmates (all my seniors) used me as a scapegoat for an issue that I have very little involvement.

Jobless, I turned to sex work. To be able to feed my family, send my siblings to school, and keep the lifestyle that I had when I was employed. I escorted high-profile clients. The pay is just as good. But the nature of, it sits with you. It takes every last piece of pride and dignity you have left. 

None of my family or friends know this is how I keep the bills paid. I’m so tired of maintaining everything and everyone. I wish I could just be honest and get a decent job. I’m so so tired of being used and abused. I missed the girl that I was. I used to be this golden girl. Achiever, an inspiration, always happy, driven, beautiful and naive that everyone admires. Now I’m nothing but a mess. I break down almost every day because of the disgust that I feel towards myself. I have no one to blame but myself. But also, I am stuck. If I stop working or get a decent job, it won’t be enough. 

I want to turn my life around, but I don’t know where to start. All I know is I just want to rest. I can’t describe the exhaustion that I’m feeling. And I just want to take care of my body and my mental health. There’s not a day that has passed that I haven’t thought of what could’ve been. What if I didn’t get fired? I feel like I won’t find a job that’s as good as the one that I lost. I tried applying to other companies, but the compensation is too low. 

I can’t move on from everything that happened to me. I’m full of regrets and I worry almost every day about keeping the bills paid. If only I can give up, I already did it a long time ago. But a lot of people are depending on me. And I don’t have the heart to tell them. 

We lost our parents 16 years ago when I was 8yo and my siblings were 4 and 6 at the time. No relatives nearby, they don’t seem to be helpful anyway. So it’s just me and my younger siblings. I can’t even get into a relationship because it’s going to be a distraction and risk to the type of work that I do. 

Talk to me, please. My siblings are the only reason that I have to keep living. I’m afraid they’ll end up like me if I give up. But I’m just very very  tired…

Thanks.