This happened around 2 hours ago. Me (24, bp2, adhd, ocd, anxiety disorder) and my boyfriend (25) of 6 years were arguing about some silly stuff my anxiety produced in my head. I was so insistent that the things my anxiety told me were going to happen. At first he tried to ensure me that they wouldn't but after a long time of trying, he lost it and yelled that I should stop thinking stupid stuff and hit the kitchen counter. He never hits me or even pushes me away. The only extreme thing he does is raising his voice.

So then I was mad about him yelling at me and I don't know what he really said but I ran up to him and hit/snapped his arm so fucking bad. He was shocked and didn't even say anything, do anything, and I was going to leave the house but then I stopped because the reality hit me. I hit my boyfriend so fucking hard.

I then apologized and asked him if that hurt and he said he didn't care about the pain he was just shocked that I hit him. I sat down and asked him to talk to me and he said he needed to calm down first. I waited for him to approach because I didn't want to fuck up things further.

So he sat down beside me and I started crying hysterically and apologized and all he said was "I know you didn't do it consciously or on purpose, it is ok, please don't cry" things like that. I felt so fucking ashamed of myself that I just wanted to kill myself. How the hell could I hit him like that? I said if this happens again, you have to hit me back so I know my place but he told me not to be ridiculous and that he would never lay his hand on me like that. That made me feel even shittier. And the worst part is, yesterday he took me to an island nearby to show me around and let me take pictures for hours without complaining (he hates sightseeing, walking around for hours) and I knew that he just did this for me, to entertain me despite all the frustrations going on in his life. After having such a nice day with him, flirting like teenagers and collecting so many good memories, this incident hit me different and all I could see was yesterday's good memories, how he kissed the top of my head and laughed like kids.

I just hate myself for losing my conscience like that, I feel embarrassed and petty. I might be the worst partner ever. There is this lump in my throat that I know will not go away for months. How the fuck could I do that? I feel so fucking bad for being me and treating him like shit.