hi everyone this is gonna be a long story of my life but at the end i would really appreciate some advice.
so to shorten my life ok so when i was 4 my cousin sexually assaulted me, she was aged 12. my dad didn’t speak to his family for 7 years due to them not believing it , even though my dad walked in on it happening in my grandads garage.
so my dad has always had a underlying hate for me, and he used to be a drug dealer and grew weed in our garage. i was in year 4 when i learnt about drugs at school and about how they ‘kill you’ i saw the weed leaf on the screen and i started crying thinking my dad was going to die. haha stupid i know. anyway i ended up telling my teacher as she was questioning me and police raided my house. yeh. after all that and my dad came home from the cells, he punched me for the first time.
my whole life my dad has beat up my mum and since i can remember i’ve always stood in the way to defend my mum, no matter what.
even though my mum wasn’t the best of people at the time of them being together , i understand why she went out and would leave me with him because he just beat her. he would cheat on her too and laugh about it to me. 
in year 6 he told me i was fat for eating 2 sausage rolls at my brothers rugby game, i starved myself for a week and got put in hospital.
anyway the last time he hit my mum was the time they broke up as my mums cousin was there and witnessed it. he screamed at me saying i will amount to nothing and i am nothing and spat on me. he also shot my guinea pig infront of me as punishment.
but my brother, he was the golden child he loved him so much. which is why my brother loves him now despite everything he has done. 
my mum fell pregnant when i was in year 7, my dad and her got into a argument one weekend. he pushed her down the stairs and punched her stomach until she was bleeding where she shouldn’t be. RIP layla x
so after that my mum and dad broke up, we moved 4 times to different rented houses until my mum met her new boyfriend who is so lovely.
anyway i was in year 8 and got sexually assaulted by my ‘friend’ ben, it proper fucked me up more than anything in my life. i had never been sexual with anyone at this point and it spread round the school and people said oh it’s just the popular girl lying for attention. i wish i was fucking lying. 
then fast forward to year 9, met a boy named flynn, he was 16 and i was 13 i think, he was lovely for quite a while until i found out he had been cheating . i forgave him cus i was head over heels in love. then it started with him pushing me, slapping me. then the drugs started he would rent out hotels with all his friends and tell me to do drugs . if i didn’t listen to him he would scream and embarrass me and say no one likes you here go home your a tramp your ugly look at you etc etc you get the point. anyway he took pics of me getting changed (i was naked) and every time we would fall out he would threaten to post them. at this point i was seeing my mum and my dad but separate. the only reason i saw my dad was because he tried to kill himself and was put into a mental hospital. when in reality he didn’t even try to kill himself he was just on coke and had a car crash🙃 anyway so this one night . i was out with flynn and all his friends, we were all drunk at the back of this church and he started going mad at me saying this girl he was literally cheating on me with whilst going out w me was so much better . he said ‘mia has a better body than you but you have a better face so i’m gonna keep you both’ this is when i went MENTAL and he punched me. i ran away crying , to which police were after me as i was classed as ‘missing’ the police took me home to my dads. this was when i got the worst beating of him i had ever had and he broke my tooth black eye etc. i told my friend who ranf the police and social services are now involved. 
JESUS that was long. anyway now i’ve been diagnosed with BPD and i have a lot of questions to ask about it. if anyone knows why i have it or what caused it please let me know. i know my biggest trigger is relationships , my mood swings are awful and if i feel like they are being off i get so angry and upset and try to cut it off. i feel like i have a massive guard up and i don’t know how to let it down. i don’t know if i am my BPD but i can’t imagine me without it, without my explosive anger and my fear of people leaving me. i just need some help. and sorry for my whole life story i have never told anyone and this is anonymous so just needed to type it and really read it for myself . because i usually pretend it never happened and block it out but some days it all comes back and i can’t handle it.