This is gonna be a long story.  
We were three girls and we've been friends for a long time, for years.  
One  of them is my FP and I've always treated them with love and tried to  always be there for them probably even more than I should had.   
We've always done all the stuff togheter, slept togheter, hang out together every weekend, vacations together and so on. 

The  things started to get weird months ago, they started seeing each other  more and more without me, and passing more time with each other. So I  started splitting, then apologizing, and so on, they tried their best,  and tried to not make me feel not too much excluded.   
After a few days they decided to hang out all together in public because they said "we need to talk to you about something". 

I was already in a bad mood and when the "talk" moment came they told me that they got together as a couple. 

I  reacted in the worst way possible, I just got up from the table bar and  left. They tried to reach me and bring me home to talk, I was just  crying non stop and having a panic attack. When we got home I got worse  and started splitting and cussing them and so on. After that I got  calmer and composed myself because saw how bad I was treating them and  how much they were crying.

The same evening I asked my best  friend, which is also my FP, if we could still all sleep together and  she told me "no I'm sorry she's my girlfriend now and we are a couple",  and that destroyed me. 

The days after I started getting worse, splitting more, self harming, drinking and benzos togheter.  
Until  I splitted again and got in a big fight with my FP about how I was  feeling left out, jealous, feeling abandoned and suicidal. This left to  her telling me that i was selfish and toxic and blocking me everywhere.

I  also thought that I was having a crush on my other friend (not my FP)  but I was not too sure if it was real or only because i feel her  attractive and she was giving me attention.

After months passing   and other bad choise I started to feel better and I recconected with  them. But I still don't know how to control myself better, I am still  jealous about their relationship ( I want too a relationship like theirs  and it triggers me so much to see them togheter even when we three are  togheter now), also i feel left out, because they are more close to each  other than I am with my FP and still pass more time togheter, and I  know that this is normal, I can rationalize it, but it still makes me  feel bad.   


I don't know what to do, i don't want to lose them,  but i don't even want to start splitting again or to be a bad person  around them.