I’ve kind of been hyper aware for quite some time about being manipulative. My ex would tell me I was doing it quite a lot and I never really understood. Recently I’ve been reading more about BPD (was rediagnosed with it recently) and see that being manipulative is kind of a thing. So now I’m doubly as concerned about it. I was free writing the other day and talked myself into a bit of a spiral.

I definitely am experiencing fear of abandonment from my therapist. We’ve talked about it a little but I’m not sure she knows the full extent to which I worry about this. Anyways, I told her awhile back about my fear of her kicking me out or quitting on me and it gets brought up by me at least once every few weeks because I really am afraid of that. I started spiraling last night worrying that when I told her that there was a part of me deep down (that I wasn’t really aware of until yesterday) that hoped her knowing how much it would damage me if she ever left…would make her stick around? And now I’m worried she is just continuing to be my therapist, despite my massive paranoia that she hates me, because she doesn’t want to hurt me?

She is the person who recently rediagnosed me with bpd and I worry immensely that she just sees me as this awful manipulative person and that’s what “tipped her off”. 

I’m feeling a little crazy and like I’m over analyzing literally every move I make now. I worry that at my core I am manipulative. I don’t want to be and I’m unsure how to communicate my needs or feelings without being manipulative. Like, should I not tell her that I’m so afraid she is going to leave all the time? Even though that’s what I’m feeling? 

Therapy is truly so confusing. I’ve been doing it forever and just never can grasp the concept of what exactly to share and what I should figure out myself.