Dear Papa,

I am finally recovering for a little bit now.  
I am so sorry that I was not emotionally there when  you were sick. 
I am sorry that I was not the person that you always dreamed me to be.

I remember those times that we were endlessly talking about the origin of the universe, what kind of matter is DNA and how it contains so many information about how everything should function, the random argument about what ice cream is the best to buy at 3am in the morning, and so many other things that only you and me can understand. 

I woke up last night and I felt so numb. My dream was blank and my brain is trying not to process that you are not here anymore. I want talk to you but there is no technology to reach you out. I can't help myself but to feel the pain inside  my stomach and chest that the only way to release it is to cry it all out.

It feels so strange that I have a very delay reaction. My memory is still fuzzy and it feels blank at the back of my head until now.  I am so thankful that I found a very special person who shares the same strenght that you had. 

I remember how we used to cruise along the stinky local market roads and buy bunch of random cheap things like as if we won the lottery. I love thinking about those times and how simple things were. I will always remember your smile and how much you keep on telling me to understand and forgive than to hate. 
You are the only one that keeps my temper down. I was never a calm person but you made me understand why  people who hurt you the most are the same people who truly needed you the most. Like a cry for help. Everyone is telling me that I used to be a very brave kid, that I can go through difficult things. But sometimes, It is not really easy anymore. 

I am sorry for failing you. I can only promise to myself, my daughter and the one that I am with that I won't miss any day to celebrate life.