I want to pull the plug on christmas. I went to a gun show a few weeks ago and finally got the ammo I needed. I'd set it in stone but for the first time I find myself actually scared to. I hate myself. for years I've dreamt of finally growing a pair and just doing it already but I just.. Im scared to even though I want to. I have this stupid fucking plan that I'd go and kill my abusive family, then myself. "conveniently" I have just the right amount of ammo. i planned on it but.. now that I get closer and closer to the day, I don't want to anymore. the fuck is wrong with me?? I feel like I deserve to do it only to myself for thinking of doing it at all. for the first time in a really long time, I'm contempt with just living with things as they are now, abuse and all. it feels like I'm so far gone I can't even care anymore. I'm just.. confused. I want to do it but not really. maybe I'll just wait...