so for me, i don't remember like... any of my trauma. i know it's there from stories my siblings have told me, and fear around certain things, but i don't really remember experiencing it.

i think this want has a lot to do with my last post about being desensitized to devastating things and melting down over insignificant things.

it's not even that i think i *deserve* more trauma, ig it's just i want to experience something that i react to how i'm supposed to react. like testing the limits - seeing how much it takes to get an appropriate reaction.

i know that's masochistic and completely unfair to myself... i just wanna remember something bad happening and have a normal fucking reaction to it.

i've witnessed all my friends having earth shattering breakups - even in my most serious ones, i had no reaction. i didn't even really miss them.

when my dad died - yeah i was sad the first day... but it was more so an interrupted routine that affected me. how our evenings with my mom went; watching tv, eating dinner, playing with our family dog, me going to bed as he was getting up for work in the morning. i was affected by not having that life anymore... not really his death exactly.

when my best friend of 10+ years was arrested for something awful - i wasn't disgusted like i should've been. sure i was shocked, but while everyone around me was cutting him off, sending him threats, slandering his name (which was probably the appropriate reaction for what happened)... i didn't really react. it just felt like another day to me with a hint of stress ig.

i wanna know what it actually feels like to go through a tragedy, not some lukewarm reaction.