My last ex girlfriend had BPD and went untreated for a while. She broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere, over pretty much nothing. Saying she gave me all these chances when she never did. Saying I did things I never did, but then would say I was perfect, then switch to me being a demon and blowing up on me.

The discard and devaluation was extremely painful to watch. As overnight, it’s like a switch flipped and I don’t exist. 

The person I knew, never existed either. She mirrored me back to myself. 

And once she was done with me, she was completely different. 

Different laugh, smile, jokes, the way she talked, mannerisms, etc. 

It made me think I was insane. 

So what did I do? I dissociated constantly, I self harmed, I ruined friendships, my school year (graduating college; have to take a summer class), and most importantly I was destroyed. 

I had to get on medication, where I drank and tried to kill myself on a constant basis for three months.

I even had to enter the psych ward as I almost threw myself off a dam. 

I fell off the grid, I quit talking to everyone. My ex did the same thing. 

I tried to fix things, but to no avail.

She wanted to be friends and maybe in the future try again. 

I agreed and was her friend for a while. But I felt like I was forcing it. 

I let it and her go, it was the hardest thing ever. 

It’s been 5 months post BU and 108 days NC and I’m still sad. 

I’ve realized these deep fears of abandonment and engulfment have always been there. 

Self harm has always been there. 

I suffer from high-functioning BPD as per my psychiatrists diagnosis. 

While I was nowhere near as ‘bad’ as my ex was, I can see the error in how I behaved sometimes. 

I was anxious constantly as I didn’t want her to leave me. 

I would be selfish in order not to do the wrong thing and make her mad.

I was never mean or abusive to her; her friends and family loved me, and I loved her. 

It’s just hard to come to grips with the fact that I do have it, and I could have caused the relationship to end, triggering my anxiety. 

Sorry for the rant, I’m just scared I guess if what to do next.