I'm so done. Its been a year since my fp left me and from that day forward I started trying to recover and I stopped hurting myself. The last time we talked was in july when she told me she never wanted to be friends again. For so long I beat myself up for everything I said and done and I suffered from intense graphic nightmares of her hurting herself because of me and everytime we had talked I'd apologized profusely for everything and had begged her to never hurt herself and had tried so hard to earn her forgiveness. And in the end despite me doing everything she asked me to she still decided to cut me out forever. Six months went by and after discussing it with my parents and therapists I decided to write her a short letter for christmas just letting her know I'm now in therapy and doing well and that I hope she's doing well. It only got mailed off to her home address this past january because of post office issues and she's in university in another state so I know even if her parents forwarded it to her she won't have gotten it yet but evidently she was informed of there being a letter since I'm now blocked on everything.

I'm just so done, I have tried everything and am recovering and am actually somewhat happy and have been leaving her alone. All I did was send her a short letter and I made sure I discussed it with my therapists first to make sure it wasn't a bad idea and I even had the letter reviewed before I sent it off to make sure it was good. I'm just so done. All she's done this past year has been miserable towards me and has guilt tripped me and gaslighted me for everything when she was just as toxic. Yes I sucked at being a good friend but she also hid me from the world because we were online friends and she was embarassed of me even when I spent $4000 to come see her and she encouraged me to visit. When me and another one of my friends got into a fight because this friend was gaslighting me and blocked me and I blocked her back, my fp made a huge post online bashing me and revealing personal details about me like my name and what country I lived in and used innocent things against me like how every night I told her I loved her or how I'd come to visit her. She would yell at me during fights and say awful things towards me and would make me feel like shit then refuse to talk to me and would put off talking about it and wouldn't apologize. 

She used to be so loving and caring and I get I messed up a lot and I hurt her. But I've been changing and recovering and have apologized more times then I can count for the things I did. But she refuses to forgive me and move on her with her life and fine I get it she doesn't want to be my friend and I'll leave her alone but she needs to at least try and get some help and move on because I've done everything I can to try and make the situation better.

Fp if you ever see this, fuck you. I loved you and I tried to make things right and you know I never meant to hurt you. But you just want to be miserable and treat me like trash and I'm tired of sitting here defending you to everyone trying to point out your toxic behavior and making excuses because I love you. I'm done, I've tried to make things right and earn back your trust but now its your turn to win back my trust. If you ever want to be my friend again then I'll let you back in but don't think for a second you won't have to apologize for your own actions and win back my trust back.