I have a dad and he acts like a dad but i've never felt like what I've seen in movies and stuff. Everytime I see a homely older man, I wonder what kind of dad he would be. What sweet words he would say to me when I was having a hard time. If he would understand my emotions and help me work through them.

I've tried having a relationship like that with my dad but opening up about my emotions just turns into an argument. 

"I'm insecure, I wish I was confident"

"Just don't care what people think"

"its not that easy"

"it literally is that is easy, you just have to realise ppls opinions dont matter"

I think thats so stupid because peoples opinions don't matter. Idgaf what strangers think about me. My friends, my families opinions matter to me. I get so scared that I'm not worthy of their love and that they need to leave me, so no I cannot just not care. 

I asked my dad for advice once about a friend who was acting different and my dad  said "maybe it has nothing to do with you, not everything is about you" I didn't say it was my fault, and that wasn't helpful that just made me feel like shit

My dad spoils me with material things like money and food. And maybe its nice in the moment its not like im not happy to recieve things but i feel its a half hearted way of saying i love you. They never say no to me and sometimes let me do dangerous things, I feel so unloved. 

He was so angry with me and even demanded I continue to tell him my feelings bc i refused to let him know why i was upset. It turned into him saying I don't love him and that me and his relationship will never be fixed. 

I put in effort to fix the relationship but this is as far as im going. You will never be the father i needed you to be, you are too caught up in yourself to do that. 

I think this is why i have an fp. He is like my father in a lot of ways except hes also kind and understanding and encouraging. This is what my dad would be like if he wasnt a narcissist. I'm in love w this fp, genuinely not just bc of him being my fp or filling the void(ive had enough fps and crushes to know the difference). 

I feel bad to place this burden on him. I want to date and even marry him but he deserves someone who doesnt use him as fuel. I hope I can learn to fill the void in a different way, so i no longer place such a burden on anyone.