Using some new skills and a lot of hard work I have been keeping my anger to a very quiet rumble until today and I am feeling ashamed of myself. I am also feeling grateful that I was able to eventually remember the tools I have and reel myself back in. I am also very grateful to have someone on my side, even though he is still learning much about me and how my brain works. Story time because I need to vent.

I had to work and since it is a Sunday I decided to drive my truck. I rarely drive it because the gas mileage isn't great and I work further away than my husband. It is a nicer vehicle than the one I drive so it is kind of a 'treat' for me to drive it. One bit of contention between my husband and I is how he keeps the truck: very very messy. It drives me crazy, but I have let that go and decided it is a battle I will no longer pick. Well I am on my way home and notice a tarp fly halfway out of the bed of my truck!! I pulled over immediately to secure it (I thought the bed was empty, I certainly couldn't see anything in it when I left) well there is a ton of garbage and other stuff up against the back window of the bed. I am sure some other things have flown out that I didn't notice. I am horrified, I start to imagine what could have happened. My mind starts racing and anger takes over. I am no longer in control of the ship. I sent him a few angry foul texts and continued home. Luckily for me and everyone involved he isn't home. This gives me a chance to check myself (after screaming out loud to my empty house how I almost killed someone and why is my husband SO careless!- only much more R rated of course) 

I first had to remember to breathe. Then to assess. What happened? Who was hurt? Is this anger justified? Is this anger reasonable? Is the level of anger appropriate? And then I started some mindfulness exercises. It was not easy. My mind kept looping. So I start over again. And again. And again. And then I get through it. And I am breathing. And I can't believe it, but I think I am me again. I am thinking clearly. I am present. I am back at the helm.

Then comes the shame. The embarrassment. How did I let myself do that again? I lost it again. Why am I still so messed up? That I have to swallow. That I have yet to be given tools for. So I am here on reddit admitting to it all. My shame and embarrassment from this ridiculous outburst. It is a part of who I am and a part of my learning process. I really hope one day these will be only distant memories but for now they are part of this work in progress that is me. My emotions may try to hijack me; and sometimes they win, but I am so over being afraid and ashamed of them.