Regardless of the nature of the relationship (romantic, family, or friendship) I always end up hurting them. I'm always reminded of how I've hurt people close to me. I deleted most social media off of my phone to avoid talking to people. 

My previous fp was my then boyfriend now ex. He has a warped view of love and trust since dating me. 

Before that, my best friend was my fp and she now has trust issues and doesn't talk to me. 

My future roommate became my fp after about two weeks of talking through social media. He knows I'm going offline but I've already hurt him. He's had to set super specific boundaries that I'm scared I'm going to break. I drove 2.5 hour each way to meet him and some of his friends in person earlier this week. 

Since then, he's messaged me about everything that I did that upset him while I was there. I want to respect his boundaries and just be a good friend but I'm breaking down. I relapsed in self harm in an attempt to cope. 

Had I just kept my distance, I wouldn't have caused any of this. I'm going fully in person for college for the first time and I'm scared to make any friends because I know I'll end up hurting them like I've hurt everyone else. 

Either I hurt them to a non-repairable level or they leave me and I end up guilting them about leaving me when I'm so vulnerable.  

During high school, I overloaded myself with school to the point I didn't talk to anyone or make any friends. I wasn't happy or sad, just busy. I got a lot of stuff done plus I didn't hurt anyone except for in the summer.

I feel like it's worth sacrificing my own happiness to save the people I care about from suffering because of me.

It makes me realize how much my existence has only hurt everyone around me. Which of course makes me question why I should keep going on? 

What's the point of trying to keep going when all I cause is suffering?

I feel defeated and done. I think it's time I give in to it all. 

But I'm too much of a fucking coward to go through with it because it'll just hurt those around me. 

At least, my roommate would get free college from it and I wouldn't hurt anyone else anymore. 

Idk guys, it doesn't seem like it ever actually gets better.