I am 34. I was always a very anxious person. I left my job abroad to come back to my home country and care for my dad who had terminal cancer. Two years, i was trying to save his life. Took him to all doctors, to chemos, always pretended i was happy and things were good. At night i would cry alone in my room. My heart got a bit weakened and the cardiologist gave me pills. We also tried to battle my anxiety and depression with antidepressants, but nothing.. absolutely nothing has worked. The doc said im probably one of these people who just metabolised these drugs quickly. I have the same issue with anasthesia and opiods. Talk about luck. My dad passed away a couple of weeks ago. Ever since i keep hearing his voice, i am reading his blood tests, im staring at his pet scans asking why. I havent slept without xanax for more than two years now. I feel extremely lost. I want to quit my job, but the hospital bill and bills in general dont allow me to do so...but i cant work. I work from home, but i spend all day watching tv series or crying. I called all therapists in my area, they are all fully booked. I am on a waiitng list. I wake up at night just to check if his oxygen machine is working, but he is gone. Ive lost my identity.  Im also very angry, ive already punched two neighbors for annoying me. I used to see a therapist last year, i messaged him he is not responding. The funny thing is despite all these he thought my diagnosis was schizoid and he was trying to treat me for that lol. Ive tried herbal antidepressants too, but nothing has worked. I feel im descending into the abyss.