I have no friends anymore. I have so many problems, alot I cannot discuss to some. My own family won't even let me. My step father is a hard ass who doesn't understand my issues. And everytime I bring my depression up to my mom she always makes it about her. She constantly berates me about stuff I do and threatens to divorce my step dad, and that hurts just thinking about it. And she constantly goes on mental breakdowns saying how she wants to die and kill herself. This has been happening since I was young. I still love them but its bull shit. I have problems to... at one point our brother had ordered pizza for us because we were really broke, they used a plate that I know has been in the cabinet for years never being washed and I said I didn't want any because I have extreme OCD. She heard one time when I said I wanted to kill myself on one of the few times I've said and, after the pizza debacle she yelled at me saying "you said you wanted to kill yourself right?" And threw a knife at my feet basically saying "if your gonna do it do it, you what ill do it with ya" she mentally abuses me and constantly makes everything about her. She makes everyones problems hers. And not in a good caring way, but in a great I have to deal with this shit, way. And in ways I get why she's the way she is. She was physically abused by my real father who was a drunk and wrote suicide notes everyday for my family. Once even hanging nooses for each one of us including a 2 yo me. He eventually did kill himself by jumping in front of a train. So I understand her reasons to be the way she is. A lyric from a song explains it perfectly though "I know its hard living a life like you, but it is not a justification for what you do" one of my brothers got into a physical altercation with his pregnant wife and I tried stopping him and jumped on his back to put him in a sleeper hold. He threw me over his shoulders and started punching the shit out my face. After, his then wife (they divorced) threatened to divorce him and take their 2 kids. He went into a breakdown and tried killing himself with a kitchen knife and my mom had to fight the knife away from him. I had to watch my "buddy" try to kill himself. This happens 3 more times. And one was on the day we buried my grandpa. And it was all because he spent 100 dollars on e cig shit. And I had enough and ran away. They later picked me up but things weren't fixed yet. Fast forward to co**d era, my mom is extremely scared of c**id, and won't let me do anything even now that I'm 18. She says she doesn't care but its obvious she does because she acts in a "ok you can do it, but if you do ill hate you for it" way. I can't even see my grandma and uncle will, who are in their later years. In the past 2 years I've seen them probably 7 times. I hate it. I just don't wanna live like this anymore. My family sheltered me so I'm extremely socially awkward and have anxiety doing anything remotely out of my comfort zone. So working or even walking 10 minutes down the street, i feel im going to get attacked by a dog or get hurt by someone. I've been in homeschool my whole life essentially so I have no social skills. Everything just feels stacked against me. and I feel I dont have anyone to go about it. Again, my mom hates when I do, my step dad doesn't care, my oldest brother is preachy and always compares our situation and implies what he went through was harder and he got over it, which may be true but saying my problems aren't that bad doesn't help, my 2d oldest is still immature and has anger issues and my other brother i hate, for private reasons. I've got no one. It helps to write my problems like this. I don't know if ill even post but even just writing it helps me out sometimes. I just want to be happy and not be constantly nervous about each decision I make or feel like if I do something my mom would do something again. I'm so scared to live, but I'm still scared to die. And I just don't know how to fix these problems...