For most of my adult life, I’ve had clinically diagnosed depression along with other mental ailments. I believed for many years that someday I could “beat” depression, but that seems less likely every day. No matter where I go or what I do - depression is right there with me influencing the way I live life.

Depression is a terrible copilot.

I’m worried that the coping tools and masking tools I’ve learned over the years have given people an unrealistic expectation of who I am. I’m supposed to be this positive and cheery person at work and at home, but that is not who I am. 

I yearn for authentic connection with people, but when I tell them how I really feel they either distance themselves or want to try and fix me. Even when I hit a stride with connecting, my depression and mind twist those positive things into negative things. I’m exhausted by how often I beat myself up mentally.

I used to believe life could get better. Now I’m of the headspace that life won’t get better, but I might get better at managing my depression. I might not ever be the person I want to be at home or at work, but I might stabilize the way I feel about those places.

I’m not optimistic, and am trying to be more realistic. It seems like the only option is to go back to hiding my feelings and true thoughts. Fake it till you make it. It sucks that this is the way things are.

For all of us struggling, I hope we find comfort soon.