 

Hello! 

I have been having some difficulty with my relationship for a little while now, and I suppose I am just seeking some support or advice. 

I was diagnosed with BPD around two years ago after a stint in an inpatient unit. I then went to outpatient treatment at a hospital for 6 hours every week for a year. I am trying really hard to implement the skills I learned, but am struggling to do this in my relationship. 

My SO and I have been together for a little over a year, we are both in our 20s. I love him very dearly, more than words can express. He means the world to me. I really would like to make things work and preserve this relationship. 

My partner is aware of my BPD and a lot of the trauma I experienced in my childhood and teenage years. My partner has also got BPD, though has not received treatment and is adamant he doesn’t need it despite my encouragement towards treatment. 

My main issue in the relationship is that my SO seems to split on me constantly. I feel like it is always switching between him loving me and him not giving a flying fuck about me or the relationship. He gets triggered so easily out of nowhere and in 15 minutes he can go from loving me and telling me how hot I am/how much he loves me/how lucky he is 

to him ignoring me, not saying I love you back, giving me one word responses to everything, and then eventually bringing up something I did months ago that he is still upset about because he started thinking about it again. These splitting episodes make me an anxious wreck, they are so hard for me to handle effectively without engaging in any of my target behaviours. 

He breaks up with me sometimes, and because of my own BPD I can’t stand this pain of rejection from someone I love, so I get upset and then withdraw. He will then immediately break down, cry, beg me not to leave him, tell me he needs me, tell me he can’t be alone again, tell me he’s sorry over and over, tell me he loves me, tells me he doesn’t deserve me/I can do better etc. I sometimes just avoid him for a day after one of these episodes because I am so hurt, and he tends to blow up my phone during this time. It is very exhausting and confusing. I tend to hide it from him as not to make him feel more guilt and shame but I usually have a bpd crisis during these … break up episodes, I guess you could say. 

I am trying so hard to be there for him, validate his feelings when he gets angry with me, remind him of how much I love him etc but this is so so hard for me and especially because I am feeling so taken for granted and unwanted lately. I don’t know how to fix it because he isn’t really open to communicating when he splits and detests the idea of going to therapy, despite promising he will go when we break up then make up.

I love this man with all my heart and I know that he loves me.  I can empathise with him because I know how hard this internal fight is constantly and so I am trying so hard to be patient and to love him and be there for him the way I would want someone to for me. I know that inside he really just wants to be loved and cared for. 

It’s just that I am in constant fear of abandonment which has only been exacerbated by all the times he’s broken up with me before. 

I am super sensitive to rejection and I overthink things so easily so when he splits on me I begin to feel like not only does he hate me, but everyone in my life must hate me too and I am a burden who ruins everything etc. etc. It takes so much energy to use my skills and cope with these feelings. 

Our relationship is extremely passionate in-between these episodes, but it feels like its a constant cycle of him splitting, me having a crisis, us arguing, sex, mutual idealisation and lots of affection, and then him splitting again. It happens constantly, like I'd say at least every fortnight, maybe every week sometimes. 

I guess I just want advice on how some of you navigate relationships with your BPD partner, because I am feeling so lost and hopeless right now. He is currently splitting on me and has been for a few days. I feel rejected constantly because he is so disengaged, I feel unloved and unwanted, feel alone and I don’t know what to do. I know that he is triggered about an argument we had months ago at the moment, and I just don’t know what more I can do to make him love me again. He acts like doesn’t want me but when I suggest giving him space he can’t stand it… I don’t know.

Any advice would be appreciated. 