I guess i'm lucky. I've gone through the motions, graduated high school, graduated college, got a good job, got a decent apartment. I show up to work every day mostly on time, mostly not hung over, and do my job, then sign off and distract myself with games. I could be at a point where I don't even have the motivation to do any of that and wind up homeless.

I always thought that whenever I moved away from the island that hated me, whenever I got my license, when I graduated high school, when I got my first job, when I graduated college, when I got a career job, when I moved out i'd finally be happy or at least be in a place where I can seek it out. That's why I always went through the motions. But that has never been the case.

Nothing i've done has helped get rid of the feeling of emptiness I have. The thoughts of self harm I have(again that i'm probably lucky for because I don't act on them). The fog I have that makes me live life on autopilot. The evening/day of happiness I randomly get once every blue moon before I feel even worse than I did before it happened. Nothing I have done has helped. Even losing weight, which finally helped me feel a little bit more comfortable in my body(which I gained back because of the pandemic c:) didn't help. 

I just... don't know what to do. I have talked with family about it, I have talked with my best friend about it, I have talked with strangers about it. Everyone is super supportive and/or understanding... but nothing has helped or changed. I've long since lost hope that anything will get better, so... I just don't know what I should wind up doing. I've always considered donating most of my paycheck to charity so I can at least make a positive impact in the world and just continue existing, but i've never got around to it. I just... don't know what to do. I'm scared that i'll keep this up until I die of some health condition and have just lived a life where I was never anything but miserable.