It's past too much now, I have been off my pills for maybe a week or so not sure doesn't really matter, it's a matter of when I have the place and the means, I'm just trying to work up to it because it's not my preferred means, shotguns aren't real easy to get hold of here and I can't sit for a gun licence due to some circumstances, I did sit for it when I was 21 but there's a month long cooling off period here, and in that month I got some dogs which saved me then, I'm 38 now I just wanted to be happy and live a normal life, I'm barely existing at the moment, I waste everything this is probably the last Christmas I spend with my dad he's very sick with Parkinson's disease and came home from the nursing home for the day he's inside with my mum and sisters while I sit outside and cry, I said hello and did our special handshake that was it, my anxiety rips me to pieces everytime I go inside. I really don't want to hang myself but it's my only option, there's a bridge out of town with a good rail and maybe a 8-10mtr drop and I've got an extension cord (electrical cable) that should do the job. I've thought about it a lot, my last note to everyone will be short, I try to think what I would write in it, probably just explain my reasons and let everyone know I do love them very much. It takes a lot of guts to do it, lucky I'm a gutless cunt.