So I’ve been depressed my whole life. Didn’t get diagnosed until I was 19, after I was sexually assaulted in college and was suffering from PTSD. That was the first time I’d ever sought help for my mental health. At that point I didn’t realize how bad it was even before the incident. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts on and off since I was in middle school. Back then, I had friends who used to echo my sentiments when I would voice these thoughts and so I really thought it was normal back then; now I realize that my friends were either also in a bad place mentally or joking because they didn’t know how else to respond. I’ve been in therapy since the age of 19 (currently 23) and it’s only started to help in the past 6 months or so. I’ve tried different antidepressants but I’ve been on Prozac 40 mg for the past six months or so as well. I’d like to say that this medication is working for me, but recently I’ve started to think that maybe it’s not working so well anymore… I’ve not been having suicidal thoughts or full on breakdowns like I used to. My problem now is every night when I sleep, I wake up in this super realistic hellish dream world. In my dreams, I’m usually surrounded by people I know, whether it’s my family, people I knew from high school or college, or even people from work. Every scenario is different, but most of the time I’m in some sort of dilemma and my first reaction in the dream is to shut everybody out, scream incessantly until I get all of my anger out, and then try to kill myself in every way possible. The screaming parts are physically taxing, like when I wake up I feel like I’ve been trying to scream so hard and nothing was coming out. The suicidal parts are what really affect me when I wake up. Those parts stay with me, I remember my dreams really vividly and I kind of hate that. The dream started off weird enough that I didn’t associate any of the content with real life. Like I didn’t recognize the landscape well or the people, and I wasn’t in that much of a dilemma. I would just get so angry in the dream and when I wake up I still feel that anger without knowing what I’m even mad about. Recently, the dreams have been getting more realistic. I am writing this because last night I had a dream I was in my house with my family and some feeling just came over me that I could not live this life anymore. In my dream, I released my cats into the wild, broke up with my boyfriend, and then somehow convinced my mom to get out of my car while it was snowing so I could rip down the street and run myself off the road and hopefully die. My attempts must never be successful, because there’s always something after that in the dream. It’s usually me crying and screaming because I was not able to complete this objective that I felt I had. But every time, I wake up with this feeling of dread and anger and it makes me wanna lay in bed all day and just die. Like I don’t want to actively harm myself I just wanna lay there and wither into nothing. Once I can get my mind off the dream, I feel normal again. My days go on as normal, I’m able to function normally, but if I can’t get my mind off the dream, my whole day is fucked up. I’ve tried talking to my counselor about this, I’ve tried talking to my boyfriend and my family about this, and the only thing that scares me is how real these scenarios are getting in my dreams. I sometimes even find myself recalling these dreams and truly having to figure out if it was something that was in my dream or if that happened in real life. It’s making me feel kind of delusional in the daytime because the line between my dreams and reality is becoming blurred. I’m just putting this out there in case anybody’s have any similar experiences or any advice and how to overcome this, because I’m actually at a really great spot in my life right now. I’m about to start my career finally and I don’t wanna have to go into that process carrying this dream baggage every day. Thanks for any help or advice or support any of you can provide.  

ETA: I forgot to mention that I’ve also been smoking weed daily since I was 19. I used to drink heavily back then but don’t drink much at all anymore. Even though I could get fired from my job for it, I am high pretty much all day everyday. Not sure if that’s effecting my dreams but the amount or type of weed I’ve smoked hasn’t changed in a long time.