Ive been diagnosed with bp 2 four months ago. lately i’ve been trying to analyze where things have started for me, and i’ve been focusing on a specific time of my life; that I deeply regret; please don’t be mean after reading this I completely understand how wrong I was.

It was 2 years ago, fall 2020, I was 17 after my first breakup with an older guy and i was clearly dependent on him. Our relationship was really bad and I was experiencing a strong type of depression at this time. After he left me I obviously went crazy and really depressed but almost immediately I decided to get my shit together. I started hypersexualizing myself a lot, I wanted to flirt with anyone who was at least a bit close to my ex, the worst part was that they were all 20 + years old and made me feel desired. My ego was the highest it has ever been. I stopped eating because I felt like eating was a waste of time so I lost around 12 kg and went really underweight. I was absolutely sure I was the main character of my own movie and I had to do the most for the plot to stay exciting.

My ex boyfriend obviously got mad at me, he quickly found a new gf and his whole friend group started threatening me, I even received death threats. 
The only person I trusted to help me was that 53 years old guy my ex and his friends knew, they used to do drug at his house. 

This is the part I regret the most : he started inviting me over to stay with him and figure out a way for my ex and his friends to leave me alone, he obviously helped me and they never bothered me again but quickly he started taking advantage on me. And the terrible part was that it fed my hypersexualization but also the « plot » of my « movie ». I felt absolutely disgusted when he told me he was madly in love with me and that our age gap, 17-53, wasn’t that big. I kept going to his house (we were just talking but the discussions almost always ended up getting sexual) because I felt desired but I also hated it and was really scared, until the day he sexually assaulted me. That’s when I decided to stop everything. 

I didn’t even crash immediately after this because I was still into my movie thing and I thought it was good for the plot. The crash hit a month later and got me scared to even go outside for months. I realized my movie thing was absolute bullshit and that si was just convincing myself I was at my prime, while I was just at my lowest point.

Was I having a manic or a hypo manic episode ?