Ever since I first came to really understand the concept of life/death and mortality—after it hit me one day as a child that... some day everybody dies—for about as long as I can remember, I've just had the absolute worst, utterly terrifying anxiety about my parents dying.

It feels existential in nature. The way that I think about it isn't even rational; it isn't about how or when—which is something I just can't even bring myself to think about—but rather just the *idea* of it alone results in this awful feeling of dread, slowly rising and boiling over until I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I usually end up becoming very tearful, and going over every single little thing that I've ever done to upset my parents, or hurt them in any way, however slight, hating myself for it.

This—and to an extent, mortality in general—is just something that I can't seem to wrap my head around at all. I don't know how to handle this. And I don't know how to control these feelings of anxiety either. It's honestly quite paralyzing.

My career path could take me overseas. Which is something that I *really* want. But whenever I think about it, I start having doubts, worrying about hurting/upsetting my parents in doing so, think of all the time with them that I'd lose. I feel stuck, honestly, I wonder if this is partly the reason that I've not really *done* anything, or got anywhere meaningful since I graduated from university.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm not even sure what the ultimate point of this post is. If anyone has any advice or insight or has experienced something similar, I'd very much appreciate their input. 

Thank you.