before I say anything else, i'm sorry for any mistakes I might make; English isn't my first language. also I'm on my phone, so there might be some shitty formatting. last but not least, this is a throwaway account because some family members know I have reddit and I want to avoid them finding this post.

it recently dawned on me that I might have bpd because I've looked back on my childhood and my behaviours and everything brings me to the conclusion that I might be suffering from it: I have no stable relationships with people due to impulsivity, I get overstimulated with nothing and therefore am unable to suppress my anger (and have been having meltdowns since childhood over things that my family considered "minor", such as knots in my hair or textures or small events that left me upset for hours or even days) and my regulation problems also have lead to me developing binge eating disorder and constantly overspending. I just can't help it; the impulse arises and there's nothing I can do to stop it. upon confronting with multiple close friend with a bpd diagnosis, they basically told me that I tick a lot of the boxes.

i tend to become insanely possessive over people when I get attached to them, and i recently found what I think might be defined a favourite person. we're long distance and not quite in a relationship, despite us working on it, and the thought of them finding someone else makes me physically sick. like, stomach turning over and burning nausea type of sick. I found myself crying almost hysterically after a phone call where their tone shifted, I ask them for constant reassurance, and they're really kind and patient with me, but I always have this voice in the back of my head that tells me that they don't like me that much, and they're just trying to manipulate me. 

i can't handle the mere thought of rejection and I can't understand social cues, so I always need people to explain their intentions and their jokes to me. it's tiring, and i can tell that some of the people I hang out with think i'm odd because of that. but that makes me spiral even harder, because I KNOW people find me weird but I just can't help my behaviour. I've tried suppressing myself over the years (both mentally and physically), but I just can't help it.

I don't know what to do. I come from a country where mental illness is deeply stigmatized and underplayed and my family wouldn't be of much help either. keep in mind that, despite me being of legal age, I'm still dependent on my parents financially, and they would probably shun me if I asked for a psychiatric evaluation just like they did when I asked for an ADHD assessment. I am currently seeing a therapist, who, however, doesn't do diagnostics, so they can't help me getting a bpd diagnosis.

I'm at a complete loss. I genuinely, genuinely need help. any and all advice towards a diagnosis/closure is deeply appreciated.