I’ve been getting to know this guy for a little while. We know each other through family friends. He initiated the conversation (via text) and we have been texting back and forth everyday. We have been having great conservations. He’s asked me if it’s an issue that he’s been in previous relationships and what my ideal family situation looks like. Then yesterday I received a text from him asking us both to identify areas of conflict because it’s better to know early on (even though there will always be stuff that will come up later, you can’t plan for this). So we talked about a few topics like communication, love language, what do we value in a relationship, where we would live, children, and then finances. 

My dad dislikes that this guy’s family is “extremely frugal” (could be another term for cheap). 

My family is not filthy rich. My dad has had to work very hard for the lifestyle we have now. I am in no way materialistic but we have always lived comfortably. So I mentioned to this guy that my family and I always go out once a week to eat. It’s just something we have always done. And also that I would spend my own money (that I earn) once in a while on a nice treat (like jewelry, a pretty outfit/handbag, etc). I also explained that I shouldn’t have to give any explanations to my partner about how I spend my money. 

He replies with a short and direct comment saying: 

Yes, no one should need to justify themselves. But if one partner is saving for the college fund while the other is going to restaurants every week, there is an imbalance.

I felt a bit taken aback and upset after reading that. Am I overreacting? Again, this is something I’ve always done. I didn’t think this would be a big deal. I didn’t reply to him. He is always talking about saving and investing because his family struggled growing up (and I understand that is the case for many people). But living a miserly lifestyle is not something I could deal with. And again, going out to dinner once a week wouldn’t stop me from helping with our kids’ college funds. He made me upset with that comment.

I replied with a text that basically said: “I’ve started to like the person I’m getting to know.”

Then I went on to say briefly that I felt a bit upset by his text and how just because I grew up comfortable, it doesn’t mean that I’m an impulsive spender or thoughtless with money. My family instilled respect for money in me.

I pointed out the fact that saving and investing is very smart but why does it have to be an either-or situation? Why couldn’t we both contribute to the college fund and set aside money to enjoy ourselves. And I also mentioned a few examples: that we don’t have to go to the fanciest/most expensive places. We could even go every 2 weeks. Or what if I wanted to spend some money on decorative items for our home or buy a lovely dress and doll myself up for him? 

I also stated at some point that we should have a talk about “mine, yours, and, our” money. 

This was on Friday and a little while later he replies saying: “First and foremost, I appreciate your honesty. I will reply to you when I have a chance this weekend.”

It’s 9 pm now on Sunday and I’ve heard nothing. He’s always been so good about replying to me and keeping the conversation going. The truth is, I feel sad and upset that he’s gone silent. Pretty hurt too because things were going really well. 

A really close friend of mine said that because his family really struggle financially when he was growing up, something in my words may have triggered some kind of trauma (that was financially related) and he just shut down. My rationale and perspective is entirely different from his and he probably found that very unsettling (that’s her assessment). 

I don’t know what his deal is. I mean, if he really wanted to break it off with me, he should have done it sooner. This is ridiculous.