I have a lot of issues, but I would never admit it. At least not without appending "I can handle it" to the end. 

I cannot let others see me as weak. It's my biggest fear. Above all else. I have plenty of other fears, but none that run as deep to the core. 

I physically cannot tolerate being thought of as needy. I recoil at the thought of pity. It's pretty bad.

I'd rather be seen jumping towards failure as if that were my intent than be seen fumbling at an attempt at success.

I don't know how to change this. And unlike a lot of other things, I don't know if I can fully convince myself to want to change it. Something about allowing people to see me as weak feels wrong on an instinctual level.

I mean I can vent on hear, talk about all my fears and insecurities. I am perfectly fine anxietyposting a bunch of bs while I'm panicking. But that's only because it's anonymous.

I can think of a list of, relatively normal feelings, that I've locked so deeply away that I've never discussed them with anyone, not even my closest friends. Not my family. Or if I do, not with any sincerity.

It feels like I'm not "allowed" to have these feelings. Or it would be wrong if I did. Namely wanting a close friendship or wanting a relationship. It's like I'm ashamed of wanting those things. Wanting those things makes me weak. But I do.

Maybe because it opens me up to rejections and I'm afraid of that? But I don't know. It's more the fact that they'd know I wanted something closer. They'd know I had those feelings that I'm not allowed to have.

Maybe that's what fear of rejection is and I'm just overthinking it. I know I'm allowed to have those feelings, it just doesn't feel like it.

Anyone share this experience? Has anything helped?