My partner broke the news to me less than a week ago that they want to move out and that the thought of breaking up with me has increased the past couple of weeks. I was really distressed and overwhelmed, but I finally accepted that they’re going to move out and that it would actually be better for the relationship (if we are going to stay together). We currently live in a small studio apartment, we’ve both stopped working and we’re hardly going to our classes; so we’re spending almost 24/7 with one another. And of course, my abandonment issues grew more extreme, I was never ok being alone, I always tagged along wherever my partner went and we never gave one another space. We are pretty much ghosts to one another. We get bitter and lose our minds spending so much time together. 

I tried to talk to them about the relationship, how I could change and better myself, I can work on myself and my behaviours. But they don’t believe in me. That I don’t even have the building blocks, and I could’ve changed from the time we’ve been together and lived together. However, from all this I wasn’t as distressed, overwhelmed and unstable as I thought I would be. I didn’t self harm, I didn’t attempt to kill myself. Instead, it was like an epiphany for me... I’m not changing and working on myself for my partner. I’m doing this for myself. I want to be more autonomous, I want to be able to do things by myself and for myself. I gave myself space, started going out more instead of staying inside at home, writing down routines, habits and behaviours I can work on and how. 

I reconnected with some friends, I’m spending quality time together with myself. It’s still rough, and them giving affection to me a lot confuses me!! But I’m appreciating the moment and the present. That we are still together and I can see that I’m taking steps to improving myself and loving myself. 

I feel happy. I feel enough. I feel good. And I deserve it all. I feel like I have autonomy, interdependence, and control over my life. I feel like I’m growing.