\- there was a time maybe two falls ago, I had a terrible experience. I was delusional. I was thinking horrific stuff. That I'm even too ashamed to say what they were. I will give examples of some less extreme thoughts. I thought I couldn't die, I thought I could just jump off a building, stab myself multiple times and I would live. I was thinking about testing these ideas or testing reality. (sometimes I still think of it but not as strong.)

\-finally realized why my parents never gave my suicide attempt any attention and that's cause I'm adopted and by law believe me and my siblings would have to be sent back to foster care. I felt horrible when I realized that I almost separated my family.

\-I have done horrific things that make me cry every night mostly cause I knew what I was doing but I didn't care at the moment, now it weighs heavy on me.

\-I feel like a walking sin. I want to be a better person.

\-Always felt so dysphoric about my identity and what I physically look like. for instance, looking in a mirror will always be so trippy to me. Feels like I'm looking at a stranger.

\-growing up hyper-sexual as a kid stunted my social skills. I thought the only way to get people's attention, mostly men were to make advancements towards them.......5-17. 

\-when a family member asked me why I tried to od my reply was "I felt like everything is my fault" the very next day before this school event we got into a fight and they started screaming at me everything your fault. Yup, they used the reason why I tried to kill myself against me in a stupid fight.

\-I feel unsafe around "them" but I can't tell if I making things up in my head cause of previous experience or am I overthinking?

might do a part 2