I'm starting to really get mad at myself. I have a lot of interests and a lot of things I can do to keep myself busy when I am alone. But whenever that happens (hint : 90% of the time - which is already a thing compared to the 100% it could be), I become suddenly helpless. The kind of pitifully disgusting helplessness that most people would call "just being lazy".

I can't motivate myself to do anything apart from erring on the internet, waiting for some notification to magically take me out of my brain fog and feeling that I'm not a ghost and something is really happening right here right now.

I had taken a lot of steps towards self-discipline but after two weeks of success, I just relapsed into what I call the "hobo life" : no will to wash, no will to eat anything else than junk food, no will to even just make the bed, no will to read anything, do any sports, just plain emptyness and feeling like nothing matters and I'm invisible even to myself.

Does anyone else get stuck in those loops EVERYTIME they are alone? It's like I always fucking need someone else to take me by the hand to be motivated to do anything.