Intentionally going to make this short. I had this extremely complicated relationship with who once was my soulmate. The things we caused each other was terrible but ultimately it is legitimately my fault things turned out how they did. The shit I did to her without knowing is so bad that I ever one day tried to process it it'd probably break my psyche. My brain knows that and it's why it never did. 

2 years ago I was in a position where her telling me we can't be friends anymore made me locked up in my room for a month straight barely able to eat. And by the end of that year, I was fully going to kill myself because she was the only relevant thing in my life, and we had been going through a brain damaging cycle for the rest of the year a month after she originally ended it. I attempted twice. I loved her so much. Life without her was fucking worthless.

Fast forward two years later, I myself ended our relationship. I did it because after 2 years of trying to save what we had I knew I couldn't do this anymore. She's heavily scarred by what happened and even though she still loves me she can't bring herself to function normally towards me, but both can't realize or admit it. I couldn't endure trying to save this anymore so I had to end it for my own sake. What made it even harder was; we both knew the potential our relationship had. That we both silently wanted to take things to deeper level. How intense and intimate it would've been. I will never know what that life could've been like.

I cried the day I did it because I was finally able to say to myself "I am going to be okay". Even though we all have the same illness, it still feels like none of you understand how monumental that is. How much progress I made all on my fucking own to get here. I AM FUCKING EXCITED TO FINALLY LIVE MY LIFE HOWEVER I WANT. 

Progress is possible even if you don't want to believe it. No exaggeration; Jesus himself could've literally came down from the sky and tell me I was gonna be fine 2 years ago and I still wouldn't have believed it. I should be a skeleton right now and I'm not. And I'm glad I'm not. My life is already kinda cool and it's boutta be dope as fuck a year from now. 

I will still have my lows. My intense lows. I will still go through the BPD coaster of emotions that makes me second guess my probability of survival. But I have saved myself so many times and have gone through much to get here that I genuinely know I will always be ok in the long term. Because I got me. Nobody knows me better than me. Nobody is better equipped to help me than me.