Thank you to my loved ones who have forgiven me for the times I hurt them. I never really meant to. Forgiving myself is one of the hardest things Ive had to do, and I don't even know if I can. I carry this weight inside of my chest when I think of the things I've done and said. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel less than. I wish I could take it all back. you say you forgive me, but I wonder if you think of the things I've said and feel pain. I truly hope you don't, because you are amazing to me. everything I say or do is a reflection of me, and the way I feel about myself. I know this should never be taken out on you. maybe you should leave, and find someone more gentle than me. you know I do love everything about you, but sometimes its hard to be with me. sometimes its hard to be with myself. you are everything good, and I hope I didn't let you down. I know this love is hard, and I want to be better. I want to get better for you, and for me. I want us to live a good loving life together. truly, hurting you has been my biggest regret. causing you stress and pain, im sorry. im sorry I ever brought that to you. I wish I could go back and change things. I never knew this side of me until I met you. you deserve better. its hard to live with this. I want to be better, but I wonder if its too late. so much has happened. I can't imagine going separate ways, but if you are happier without me, maybe we should. I will always love you, and cherish all the moments we had together. when we were first together and you told me you imagined our kids running in the room, or the way you would wake me up in the morning with coffee in your hand, and stars in your eyes. the way you held me when I was overwhelmed, and helped me breathe. you are such a gentle, loving soul. im sorry I was so wreckless with it. at night when we sleep together, your back is turned to me, and I hold you so close and breathe you in. you don't understand how much I regret hurting you. I just want to redo. I want to make you happy. I want to make your eyes light up again, I rarely see that anymore. I remember when we were started dating, the way you looked into my eyes. you looked so amazed by what we had. now when I look in your eyes, its hard to tell what you are thinking. sometimes they are dull, and im scared the spark is gone. I don't want to give up, but if we can't refind our love then I don't know anymore. I want to get back those stars. maybe its time for me to start waking you up with fresh coffee, black, barley any sugar the way you like it. I need to show you how much you mean to me. I'm always scared you will leave, so I push you away, and when you go I beg you to stay. you say you're over this rollercoaster, you want off. its been a fun ride but they all need to end sometime. ill show you im not scared. I won't push you anymore. I want to do this right, and I understand if its too late, or maybe this is the chapter in our lives where we agree we can be better. maybe one day we will look back and see how far we have gone, and we will sip coffee together in the morning, with stars back in our eyes when we are together. all the hardship will be over, because we have seen everything. both of our good and bad, both of our insecurities. maybe we will forgive each other for everything, and spend our lives building one another up. on our bad days, you will be there for me when I can't get up, and I will be there for you when you feel less than. maybe our love doesn't have to end, until our time on this earth does. maybe you will be the one who understands and forgives me, and I will finally understand and forgive myself. we will build a beautiful life, one we could have only dreamed of. one that we didn't see coming at this point in our lives. we will look back, and you will be glad your seatbelt stayed on while riding this rollercoaster...