This is my first ever post on reddit, so please don’t judge me. I’ve very new to this site (obviously have heard of it before joining but never looked into it). While exploring it I found there was thousands of subreddits and such and eventually I got to here. 

Anyways, Im going to ask for advice/help because I have no idea what to do. I feel completely lost with my life. I’m a 20 years old guy, going to community college while trying to get into nursing school. At the same time I work a job and still compete in my sport. My life is honestly great when you look at it from the outside and I even realize it. I have an amazing family and an amazing/loving girlfriend as well. However I have what feels like loads of mental health problems. They started back in high school. I was depressed, suicidal, self harmed, had a full plan to kill myself, etc. and eventually went to therapy and pulled myself out of that hell with the help of people around me. But now it’s back again. I feel like I’m slowly losing touch with reality and always on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. And I mean ALWAYS feel like that. I always feel like there is going to be something that pushes me over the edge to where I fall back on self harm or trying to find a way to kill myself. I sometimes become severely depressed to the point where I can’t get out of bed or do schoolwork or work out. If I don’t feel a deep sadness or depression, then there’s always a low grade feeling of numbness/melancholy. My anxiety is through the roof and I often have panic attacks at night that leave me completely wiped. It puts a strain on ALL of my relationships. I pull away from friends, parents, family, my girlfriend and isolate myself because of who knows why. Long story short, I honestly think I’m depressed again. I see a therapist and explain some (not all) of this stuff to her and I still don’t feel different. I feel like there’s no hope for me at all. Today was the first time I’ve felt suicidal in a while, and I’m scared for my life because I know how low I can get and how close I am to reaching that point. As much as I try to hide whatever this is that I’m going through, I’ve ended up accidentally sharing it with a few of my friends because I can’t hold myself together anymore. I feel like I’m breaking and have no where to go. I’m afraid to tell my parents, afraid to tell my girlfriend, and rest of my family.

Someone please give me advice, I really feel like this is the end of my road.