Today has been a struggle already. All through last week has been a struggle.

I've completed another purge cycle, I guess you'd call it. Where I go through and cut out everyone I've been talking to, forming friendships with, dating, etc. 

This happens. I get really good about getting out and meeting people, finding people to interact with, and probably for unhealthy reasons. I like attention, and I like connecting with people otherwise. But it always goes to sex if we're at all compatible, and me being me, most are "compatible". Which is ok I guess, people approach me, and most are happy to flirt or do more. 

All that means that having just a normal friendship is pretty much impossible. I have to find people that don't want to fuck me who I also don't want to fuck, and then it feels like the friendship never gets off the ground.

I'm too intense. I feel too much. I want too much. All I really want is lasting connections, people who aren't just going to abandon me the second shit gets hard, or peace out of my life because they're just flaky and that's what flaky people do.

I recognize my own part in a lot of this, but I *don't know how to change it.* I don't know how to be attracted to someone and not let things go *there*. I don't know how to get along well with someone and not want to have conversations at least every other day. 

I don't know how to even have a platonic friendship where I don't feel like I don't mean shit to someone because they haven't initiated a conversation in over a week. 

Nearly all of my friendships involve me doing the lions share of the work when it comes to initiating, making plans, reaching out. And if I don't do that work? I watch them all fall away. I've seen it over and over again. A lot of times I'll wait long enough that I'll forget, and then remember some 3 months later "Hey so and so was such a good friend, how come they just stopped talking to me?"

So in my little BPD way, I just burn bridges. I lash out at the first sign of trouble. Sometimes, I make it hurt. I make them feel the way I feel. I tell them "You're just gonna fade on me anyway so fuck you". Sometimes I like the idea that my coldness will hurt them. 

This is my existence, and I don't know how to climb out of it. I don't know how to stop being this way. I'm calling another therapist today, I don't know what else to do. I feel beyond broken. 