***\*Warning my grammar is so terrible and what i type might not make sense. Will explain more in this thread. Sorry in advance and bear with me.\****

I want to make this statement first before going forward. I'm making this thread because I don't feel like no one will ever hear me without an edit of me trying to downplay it if I know them or I would ever contact them ever again. I'm not doing this for attention, but I wanted somewhere to place my true thoughts and if anyone can relate with anything I hope you don't feel less alone and  your not the only one going thru this shit. thank you for reading in advance.

   
I, 23 year old Female, have a lot of issues. I have depression, anxiety, ADHD, insomnia, most likely PTSD (I've been thru some shit), chronic pain in my neck and back and in the process of most likely being diagnosed with PCOS. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety my freshman year of college, but have always had depression at the very least beginning of middle school (7th grade) and most likely childhood depression which has not helped me insomnia. I was diagnosed with ADHD only a few months ago, and I was in a car accident when I was a child (4th-6th grade) and have been going to the chiropractor ever sense. I also believe I probably a few more issues but I'll explain why I think this.

Recently I have been struggling with the fact I don't think I know myself anymore and that I'm just a tool for almost everyone I know. I tried going into detail about my life before this but it was so long I had to stop and rewrite. I am honestly not happy with my life and I've been trying to change  it.  I temp kicked out of school for a semester(took a year off), but I just got re accepted again which is good but I feel like it was because I had to do it to make any progress. Ever since I left school I have tried to do different things and wanted to change my life out for the better but it has been hard. I tried different jobs, I've finally got my temp license but nothing seems to getting any better. I live with my father, even though I love my father and I'm grateful for the things he has done for me I also hate him because he is making it impossible to become independent. 

when I was young I was basically baby sitter, helper, etc. I don't mind helping and such but it became a point where I have to high of standards of what I want to be. Due to this as well I developed basically no social life that wasn't outside of online gaming. I had been shamed for gaming but it was my only way to stay semi sane and happy and have any friends and social life. I was in an accident that caused my back and neck pains and made me develop anxiety around cars hence why I finally got my temp license also because I can't get a job without a car because my father doesn't want to cart me around, but than also complains  that about bills cost when I have tried to find jobs but its not to how he wants it. I had 1 remote job that lasted a while but i got fired from there. I have been charged before that watching my brother who has Autism. As well now watching me niece who was born in March. I love my family and of course I want to help my family but I now have to build my life around them when they are not my responsibilities. My father orders me to do things when a simple hey can you do this would work cause I would do the task. I feel like a slave. I have to go to college online because of those 2 instead of going back to campus otherwise I couldn't of gone back to school.

Most of my life I have been shrugged off emotionally and needs based. Yes I food on the table, clothes (which were mainly hand me downs or old AF),a roof over my head. I never had my emotional needs ever truly met. My mother is not in my life she is a terrible person. I try to not be her. My  father is old school on his views that even today can be seen as bad. Mental health and physical health including. Rub some dirt in it deal with it. If you aren't dying your fine. Why are you sad you have nothing to be sad about.

I keep alot of my personal life to myself due to this. He doesn't know i'm dating a guy who is Hispanic, and is the love of my life and one of the few things that is keeping me together, he doesn't know i'm pansexual, he barely knows about my mental health issues. Anything I disagree with he gets offended and has played victim.  He only realized recently that his child in his worlds "aren't as perfect as they seem" due to teh fact my one sister who doesn't have the baby has a issue with her heart which has caused her to faint. which my father shrugged off when she was a teenager. My sister with the baby has anxiety and depression and is the way she is because of him and my mother. I've legit been called the mess or most fucked up out of my sisters because I've struggled alot with self harm, school wise, and all that. I make passing jokes about my anxiety and depression but  I always knew I had something up with me in college I couldn't afford to get tested. until recently for ADHD. He believes that ADHD isn't real but also then changes his mind it drives me insane. I recently made a drug head joke because I take ADHD meds for it. He was like "you have ADHD?"

i'm like yes that why I can't fucking reaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddd. I also am seeking treament for possible PCOS which we barely got looked when I was a teen. I barely ever went to the doctors minus a chiropractor since I was a child until recently. I have insomia because of my ADHD and depression, and no one other than a couple people know about my abusive relationship I was in that fucks me up to this day.

MY only family member who knows anything of my real self is my sister with the Baby. I suffer mentally and physically each day but have been told I'm being dramatic. Due to being so restricted I'm scratching at the walls to escape. Thats why I'm choosing to go back to school online because if I'm able to get a decent paying job that doesn't overwhelm me and get my normal license and car I can live on my own and live my own life without the dependence of others. Its honestly exhausting. I'm a 23 year old who cannot live a normal life due to the restrictions put on me and I'm terrified. 

When I finally seek help too as well with friends they are worried that I'm trying to get diagnosed with something to make myself look like something is wrong with me. When they don't realize that I've been suffering alone with all these issues hence why i'm looking to see what is wrong with me. i'm excited and talk to my medication because I feel semi okay after taking them and I wnt to be okay and I want to express how happy I am to get some help. I get shunned then I don't want to take my meds when they help me.

Some of it at home is to the point where I feel guilty for even showering, making myself to eat, drink anything or sleeping. the basic things to take care of myself I feel okay. Plus due to myself as a kid who honestly didn't know better or things that were simple mistakes I made recently are constantly being brought up which give me graphic gruesome intrusive  thoughts and nightmares that they make me want to cry. 

I love my family and my friends truly but I struggle to make myself believe that. i want whoever is reading this to understand if u relate to any of this you are not alone and it you aren't happy try your damnest to find ways to improve your life to the point your not relent on others. You can break free of those shackles and be happy. I'm slowly getting there.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far and i'm sorry again for the poor grammar. 

I would also type more but I don't want to type a novel again and ramble. if you want more in depth info feel free to ask I can do an update if needed or have questions you can ask.