So I’m in the process of getting diagnosed with BPD, but all my life before now I have been so confused as to why I never understood who I was and why I could never be consistent with anything, especially in relationships. 

I recently ended things with my ex who is a great guy but it felt like I was changing as a person at the time and that I was so confused about who I was/my sexuality/my desires in life that I decided to stop confusing/misleading him and to just end things while I figure myself out. 

I’ve been doing a lot of work with my therapist since then (it’s only been almost 2 months) and we came to realization I most likely have bpd, and once I researched a lot more it opened my eyes so much as to why I feel the way I do, why I push people away and just why I’m like this. 

My only problem now is that I’m reflecting about my past decisions and wondering if that was a true genuine feeling or if my mind was not right at the time and was doing what it could to “protect” me. I also realized my ex is my FP even though I hate that term. Apart of me feels like if I didn’t push him away and break up because of my undiagnosed bpd then we would still be together and be better than before since I can start managing my illness/try to treat it

I just don’t know if my mind is lying to me again… all I know is that I miss him a lot and anytime we spend time together I try to cherish it as much as I can. I don’t know if I should try to pursue him again or just leave it alone, it’s so hard cause of how attatched I still am to him but I don’t wanna sit back and risk losing him for good. 

Has anyone ever been through something like this before? Undiagnosed bpd in a relationship then finding out after things end? Any advice would be greatly appreciated