i feel like most people would be horrified if they knew how i spoke to myself on a daily basis. i berate myself, i’m judgmental of myself, and hold myself to an impossibly high standard. i punish myself and put myself through mental hell. it’s my normal. it’s been this way for as long as i can remember and therapists have always commented how hard i am on myself. 
i’m like this bc of childhood trauma and i abuse myself the way i was once abused, now i feel like i deserve to be treated this way esp because i’ve been a horrible and toxic person. i’m trying to be a better person, bc i love and am grateful to all the amazing people in my life, but i can’t forgive myself for my past behaviour. 
i know this is toxic shame. i know i need to love myself to truly heal. but i just don’t know how to battle this chronic and deep negativity and self flagellation. i truly hate myself so much, and i hate that being this way hurts people i care about