I met up with a friend (Mary) yesterday, and a few hours in, one of her friends (Bob) came over. I've heard a lot about him so I was excited to meet him for the first time. He hardly talked to me at all. He didn't even look at me; it was like I wasn't there.

They ended up sitting and chatting next to each other while I sat on the other side of the room. Didn't bother trying to include me at all. I feel so needy and oversensitive but I also hate both of them right now and I'm so jealous. The way they spoke seemed so much smoother than when I talk to Mary. It seems Bob's way closer than I am to Mary, and the terrifying part is I don't even think I'm being delusional in saying that. They're closer in age, they spend more time around each other, they just vibe better. By the time I had to leave, they were already planning on going somewhere without me. Mary knows I have BPD and she knows how much trouble I have understanding that people like me, so the fact that she made no effort to include me in their conversation or anything shows she was perfectly fine just talking to Bob.

Mary has a handful of people she tells me about whom she refers to as her "best friends" and I'm never in that group. I know it sounds like petty high school-age drama, trust me I know, but I'm just so fucking sad because I see her as one of my best friends. I like her more than she likes me. I try to be aloof with people so that I don't end up idealizing them and being disappointed but for years Mary's told me how much she values me as a friend, and I was finally starting to believe her and then this happened. I hate people. I wish I didn't need to be loved by others