I’ve been slipping further into a depressive state. It’s funny because a month ago, I was so happy. My house was spotless and I was patient with my loved ones. But in the back of my head I KNEW I was going to crash, hard. Because my happiness is just mania wearing a mask.

Suddenly I can hardly get off the couch. The kitchen sink full of dishes is like an evil monster I don’t want to even look at. I find myself dissociating more, which causes me to forget most of the day. My short term memory is garbage. 

I’m quick to snap at others because I don’t feel anger, I feel rage. Yesterday I had to be stopped from hitting myself. It makes me feel like such a psycho when I get like that. It’s like I’m sharing a brain with a vicious maniac. I can’t control it and that makes me feel like I’m just not holding myself accountable for my actions. 

I feel weak. I hate how I interact with my loved ones. I feel like everyone would be better off without me. I don’t know how my significant other puts up with my psychotic episodes. I probably drive him crazy with how often I ask if he wants to leave me. 

I don’t want to go back to a psychiatrist because I hate the meds they put me on. All of them. I’m scared they’re going to commit me again if I tell them what’s going on. 

My brain feels like it is on fire