Hey! So I made a new account to stay anonymous here. A year ago I was in a bad phase of depression. Then lockdown happened and my life became better surprisingly
But the thing is my dad wants to take a vacation, and I believe I have tortured people around me so much that they need a break from me. 
I'm not making it about me but I just get that feeling
I feel I'm again getting depression 
I am so unkind to myself and I really do hate myself
I feel so lonely and empty
I watch tv series but when I'm not I feel completely lost.
I have lost my mom 3 years ago
Had a very complicated relationship with her and she had mentioned that I tortured her and that I was bad. It just keeps playing in my head. A person who is dead, I made their life so miserable to live with. I sometimes really feel I deserve to die and I don't even deserve help or therapy. 
But I do have survival instincts, so here I am writing this while crying, hoping you'd say something kind and maybe, just maybe...