Over the past few months I’ve lost my girlfriend and all of my best friends. I cant seem to stop pushing people away and yet I hate how I feel when I’m alone. I’m addicted to xanax and sleeping pills yet I still cant find a way to fall asleep at night. I get panic attacks very frequently and usually just involuntarily puke up any food I eat. I have BPD, bipolar, OCD, and ADHD as well as a history of suicidal thoughts and actions. I feel like I dont deserve to be alive because clearly if everybody keeps leaving me, there must be a good reason why. My parents hate me and do nothing but ridicule and belittle me for who I am as a person. My ex-girlfriend, whom I’ve had a crush on since we were children, wont even speak to me anymore and confessed that she never actually loved me. Somebody I knew killed themselves right in front of me the other day and I couldn’t do anything to stop them.  The sound of their screams haunts me and I haven’t been able to sleep since. I feel like I’m developing schizophrenia on top of all of that. I keep hearing things that aren’t there as well as voices that do nothing but scream and break me down. I’ve deleted all social media but I cant seem to stop being in a constant state of panic. I’ve been on anti-depressants since I was 15, constantly trying a different one because none of them work and I really dont know what to do anymore. I can’t go to therapy and drugs seem to be the only thing I can count on to be there for me. I would say that I’m at rock bottom but every time I say that, I somehow find that things get worse. My life has been nothint but a downward spiral for the past two years and I’m afraid I’ll never be the same. 

So Reddit, where do you think I should go from here? I am completely lost and have no idea what to do with myself. Even things like suggesting a healthy hobby would be more than appreciated.

Thank you ❤️