⚠TRIGGER WARNING⚠

From the ages of 11-16 I was abused by my dad's best friend. He would take me to his flat expose me to all levels of abuse, mostly verbal and physical but sometimes sexual. He would lock me in his flat and leave me there alone for days, only coming back at night to sleep and then leaving again. His flat was hazardous, he decided he wanted to redo the whole place and ripped up the floor boards and shit. There was wires exposed and nails sticking out all over the place. To this day he still hadn't fixed it. When he has a bad day he'd take it out on me. He'd expect the flat to be spotless by the time he got back and he'd expect me to follow his every command. If I retaliated he'd punish me. I never told my parents. 

The thing that disgusts me the most looking back at it was how I felt about him. I didn't love him in a sexual way but since I was born he'd been like and uncle to me. If my dad and him got into a fight I would stand up for him. I even felt sorry for him. I would always defend his actions and call people out for talking shit about him. To this day I still feel sorry for him. I don't hate him. I don't wish any pain upon him. After everything he put me through I still can't bring myself to hate him. The idea of seeing him in pain brings me to tears. It's his fault I'm so mentally fucked. I hate myself for not being able to hate him. Just thinking about it makes me feel so disgusted with myself. 

My boyfriend told me it's probably Stockholm syndrome. 