I come from a rather "narcissistic" household run by results, not progress.

My dad is more of an old-timer, if we did something he didn't like or in a way that was different he'd resort to whacking our butts or yelling in our faces. Until a certain age I just accepted it and thought it was the most normal thing in the world, not responding or knowing what to do.

Once my emotions developed, I was quite afraid to do anything that would upset him, including venting or trying new things I wasn't good at.

On the other hand, my sister was more the trophy child, great at many things and encouraged by my uncle to succeed at piano.

One thing she never really liked was whenever I got praised, at that moment, she would look for something that would impress the family even more and invalidate my achievements.

I have certain memories concerning her that I have trouble dealing with, although I know not all women are bad, I had major trust issues with them.

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One such memory is:

Long ago when we were kids, she hung out at home with her friends. By coincidence I had to get something in the kitchen and saw her with her friends, she picked up on this quickly and started yelling/cussing me to go away causing her friends to look angrily in my direction.

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I generally don't approach or hang out with my sister her friends due to the assumption that she has been gossiping about me, however most encounters I've had weren't favorable with them.

And that just breaks my heart.

Thanks to a couple of lovely women I had the chance of meeting throughout the years that trust has been gradually restored, and I'm mostly capable of being/making friends without issues, however I do struggle sometimes due to my social anxiety.

I am not looking for an answer, I just wanted to vent this out.