I got an email around 3 AM from a long awaited college that put me on their waitlist a few months ago. I was nervous. Accepted or rejected? I didn't think too much about the latter being true since that would mean facing the reality of having a bleak future.

I should tell you that I am not a US citizen and haven't left my home country ever. I should also let you know, as much as this brings me shame and discomfort, that this was my 3rd and possibly last time applying to college.

It wasn't that I was a bad student. I mean, I got mostly As in my high school career, decent Extracurriculars, near perfect GPA and had good essays (told to me by my peers and school teachers). All i asked the colleges was for aid. All in all I should I have gotten into some colleges, especially if I applied for the third time. And especially if I applied for 70 plus colleges. Right?

Well...things took an unsurprising yet not-so-suprising turn. I got rejected except for three colleges that put me on their waitlist and a few others that I couldn't realistically afford even If I sold my right kidney. So I accepted the waitlist and waited. And waited. And waited. 

Before they inevitably told me that their class was now full, I hoped and prayed day and night (not a figure of speech) for a miracle. I wanted to get in and without sounding like a totally entitled asshole, I thought I deserved to get in. 

I did so much. Didn't get a wink of sleep and instead worked my ass off. Corona came and sure, I didn't get in then. Made sense. Then after 1 year, I thought my chances of getting in would be higher. Nope. I was told that colleges were still recovering and I should be lucky that I was even applying since so many families and their kids were homeless among other things cause of the pandemic. So I applied the third time. Surely I would get it. Things are getting back to normal and I have even spent those years working on bettering my essays etc. It had to work this time. I paid so much money 3x (our high school counselors won't send in our transcripts and other official documents without a huge unreasonable fee, think in hundreds of dollars, that means only upper class families can afford to apply. I saved money since my parents couldn't afford to pay). I was even willing to wash dishes and scrub floors if it meant that I could afford to study in a good school.

The colleges in my home countries are ok. Just ok. Even the best colleges are not of the same caliber in all aspects as compared to a top 100 college in the US. And coming from a conservative family with controlling parents and no freedom whatsoever at age 21, this was my chance at a better life. Suffice to say it didn't come true. 

21 years old. This is usually the age where people graduate college. And here I am, not even having my a foot into the door. I feel ashamed, humiliated, angry and exhausted. I can already feel my relatives asking me questions "what are you studying?" "Have you gotten in?" ....

I have been dreaming about living my life and being independent since I was 15. And college was my golden ticket. Now I have nothing.

I did apply for apprenticeships but no luck so far. An online degree perhaps or Community College route,though showing them my family's finances would be difficult since everything is tied up in physical assets. Maybe we can borrow some money to show them that the money exists in our bank records? Honestly I am tired. My mental health has been declining and I am feeling not so good. I know that this is not the end of the world or people have actually problems and i should be lucky to even have my high school degre but this truly feels like the last nail in my coffin. Oh well.