I've always thought this way since I was 17. I knew I was suicidal at a much earlier age, but some events emphasized how badly I don't want to fucking live anymore. Well, I guess not really, but do you ever think about how much better life could be if you were someone else? If you lived in a non-abusive household with a parent who has never gone through abuse but if they did they dealt with it by going to therapy? What if I was born in a different country, one where everything's levels better? I could easily have those if I were to kill myself and be reborn as somebody else. I wish I wasn't trans, I wish I was a cis male, I wish my mom never yelled at me or hit me as a child, I wish I had a dad, I wish I wasn't conceived by mistake. I fucking hate everything right now, I can't stop thinking about killing myself but I know I'd make my girl, my friends, and my pets sad. I hung myself last 2018 but I survived with only bruises on my neck, I tried shooting myself last year's May but a panic attack got through me first before i could even learn how to cock the fucking gun and put it to my head. Sometimes I regret not learning how to pull the trigger.  Even at killing my fucking self I'm such a fuck-up. I'm tired. I'm so so fucking tired. I just wish I could put myself in an empty space, take a break from everything and everyone with the exemption of the people I want to be around with.