Today has been the worst. It’s always a hard day because of the loss of a friend and I just go to work and pretend like everything is okay and things are perfect and nobody even notices. 
I tried to contact a new therapist who was apparently skilled in attachment issues and they said unless I give up my current therapist immediately (my FP) no other therapist is coming anywhere near me. I can’t even get help unless I spiral completely apparently. Even my current therapist is ignoring my screams for help.
My therapist emailed me and said while she’s not rejecting me she’s going from emailing me every day to emailing me once a week after promising she wasn’t disappearing and she’s just become so damn cold and distant since she found out how attached I was to her and I regret ever asking her for help with it. 
My boss keeps suggesting I find another job and I know she doesn’t mean it in a horrible way but I just feel like she’s trying to get rid of me too. She’s not the nicest person and she’s definitely traumatised me more by working with her but she can be decent sometimes and this time she’s trying to make me permanent so I have a job for life but it’s hard to feel that right now. 
I just want to give up on everything and not exist for a while - maybe a nice blanket fort with my cats and pretending the world isn’t there. I’m not really expecting a response to this, I just need to write something and I can’t say any of this to my therapist.