Okay so basically I started talking to an older guy, I’m 17, and he was around 11 years older. I thought he was really unattractive. Like the type of guy I would avoid and run away if I saw in real life because it’s that bad. but he validated me and helped with my school work (he’s very smart and skilled w/ english/math so it was super helpful) so I didn’t want to sever the connection. Interestingly, ‘faking’ that I was into him lead to me getting attached to him in a weird way. 

Eventually… he started treating me terribly and I figured out he only wanted me for nudes but I still wanted help w/ school so I forced myself to keep talking to him, and I really tried to be a good person for him even when he wasn’t always so kind to me. 

…today I got so frustrated with him that I cut him off for good. I also found a different guy that’s attractive and also smart like him so I have no reason to talk to him again. Yay. The issue is… I’m now really disgusted with myself. Like. The fact that I was being intimate (not irl don’t worry) with a weirdo and sacrificing my mental health just to potentially get some extra help in school disgusts me. And I sent nudes to him. What if he exposes me? I mean to be fair I could get him in way more trouble but i won’t. I do wish that person the best despite them not being a great person to me. But I’m still extremely worried about that possibility. Anyways this is just a rant at this point. I kind of had an episode and felt so hurt by him and my own choices that I went off on him and fabricated some stuff in order to hurt him back. 

Can I forgive myself? Any advices for coping with this? Is my anger and sadness justified? Why am I like this? Why did I even get attached?!

Help lolz

Ps. I thought maybe I’m a narc or something but I realize the reason I acted so crazy and was a bitch to him in the end was because I’m so hurt. I don’t think a narc or sociopath would be capable of such strong emotions.