I keep fantasizing about my ex and idealizing him so much and it’s extremely toxic to my fucking thoughts and feelings. The only reason I haven’t reached out to him yet is because he hurt so me so much in the end I still feel so bitter. I can’t help but think about his arms around me though and I just want that so much because I hate touching people in my day to day life... hugs, hand shakes, etc. There’s no one I really want to be physically close to but him. I really want to hook up with him again and feel the fireworks but I know afterwords we would have to deal with all the baggage that comes with it and I don’t want that part. I just want to be physically close to him again. I know I can find someone else to be physically close to, but that’s not what I want. It’s not the same at all. I keep comparing myself to the girl he dated/had sex with when we broke up a while back because he just sent me a pic of her the last time we spoke. She’s so pretty and I knew her and went to school with her and she was popular and just... that mental image he painted in my head of the two of them is so fucked. He knew I never wanted to know who he hooked up with when we broke up and that’s why he sent me her picture. He knew I would do this to myself and I just fucking hate everything and everyone. I just feel like a huge piece of shit. Part of me wants to make a tinder or something and just hook up with someone but I know that will make me feel 100000% worse. I just want good dick and I miss my ex’s smh I hate myself.