CW: Suicide 

Hi hello, im really sorry if the flair is wrong or something, im also sorry for using a throwaway, im really afraid of getting judged, i know its stupid, but I cant bring myself to post otherwise. So im currently in a psych ward, and my doc said that they strongly suspect I have bpd, I'm sorry again, I know im not even diagnosed so I should not have posted. Its just that I have been thinking about something and I just want someones perspective on this.

When I started getting mental treatment (like 7 years ago now) a psychiatrist asked me if I ever tried to you know, uhh, commit die? Sorry, CW I think? And yeah I felt this cold shiver I remember, and I said yes, even though it wasn't true. I was afraid they wouldn't take me seriously, that I would go home having wasted my and everyone else time, and that I would get in huge trouble. And I don't know I just kept going with that huge lie, I don't know why, I even started elaborating on it, coming up with the stories of how I tried to do it, and I kept on adding more and more tries too. Eventually I told another big lie, coming up with some kind of trauma to explain things caused by my other trauma, I was to ashamed to admit such a thing affected me and I felt a need to come up with something more drastic, and I kept that one too, and the next one too. And now here I am, trying to get better for myself the first time in my life, and im just so afraid of „coming clean” im afraid everyone will turn on me. Im sorry I don't know why im posting its just I dont know if I should keep it going? I really shouldnt right? But im so afraid it just 

Im sorry.