20F. I just had two phonecalls for my first "proper" psychiatry appointment, and now I'm super stressed. We addressed my history of anxiety and suicidal depression, and briefly on my traumatic childhood. I mentioned a youth psychiatry visit regarding BPD, where we did not reach diagnosis (Im not upset about not being diagnosed, but I will say that psychiatrist seemed to have unprofessional terms for diagnosis ie. starkly comparing against her husband with BPD). This psychiatrist seems to think that I really want a BPD diagnosis which is fine if I fit the bill but it's certainly a thing I don't think I wanted to tackle as no.1 at this particularly bad time in my life. 

What really got to me, though, was he wanted to put me on a medication for my symptoms and at first refused to give me any details about it. I mentioned that my main concerns would be addiction/dependency, visual disturbances (me and my mother both have bad experiences with this regarding psych meds) and increased suicidal thoughts. He gave me a very vague "oh no this has none of that" to which I responded that many people I'm close with have heard the same exact thing and wound up having uninformed traumatic experiences with their medications. Of course everybody is different, but if a medication has something notable then that's very important! He referred to this as "hearsay", and said he did not want to tell me the name of the medication because I could, all-in-all, look it up and get freaked out by "unsubstantiated claims". He phrased this by also blaming my emotionally reactive symptoms. He refused to tell me the name of this medication until I got so confused and stressed I started crying while on the phone. As someone who doesn't mind the risk of the usual side effects of these types of prescriptions, the one he wants to put me on (Lamotrigine) notably has risks of visual disturbances and suicidal thoughts. which makes the "this drug has none of that" feel pretty wilfully ignorant, whether I would wind up experiencing those symptoms or not. Overall he threw a lot of "I'm trying to help you and if you refuse then well there's nothing I can do about that" my way. 

Sidenote, I also inquired about autism. "We don't do that here", which is fine, I asked if he knew of any place I could look to for information and he had nothing. Just said that adult autism is hard to diagnose and typically expensive (correct, but gave me absolutely nothing to work with). "So, yeah."

I don't know if I'm venting or trying to figure out if this is normal vs if I'm overreacting like he accused me of doing. I just think that either way it's probably pretty shit if a psychiatrist/mental health professional directly makes you feel suicidal/want to self harm. I feel more confused and hopeless than I did before. Going to have to figure out how to not lose my shit with this guy in my future appointment. 

Anyways, thanks for reading, if you did. Cheers.