I remember being manic one time and decided to lose my virginity with a random man. I was a 20 y/o college student trapped in quarantine and pretty much in my teen years I was pretty closed off. I did get approach by people but honestly I felt I had no interest in anyone. I kind of assume it just had to do with me not feeling enough or low self-esteem.

I never really thought about sex which I assume from being raised in a religious household. I would think I be attracted to men by choosing one to fixate on but never talked to them. Like I would be weirdly obsessed with them just stalking online, I believe I got this habit just spending my teen years fixating on boy bands. However, I had nothing on wanting to do with them, I felt like I admire any men to where I was okay I did not exist to them. I was so confused if I was attracted to them or wanted to be them. I would enjoy some of their interests where I have no intentions wanting to show it off/ impress them. I loved fantasizing what they could be like, only to realize the reality of how men really are where I get disgusted.

Quarantine really got me deep into my thoughts where I felt I needed to do something from being so detached. I assumed I wanted to do something new which was having intercourse with a man, only to realized I think I was there to seek harm for myself. My thoughts actually made me realize I felt unworthy of love so I wanted to keep having sex with a man to make me feel so disgusted in myself. I was so conflicted because the guy I was meeting was actually a decent, respectful guy. He was pretty much touch with his feminine side and had a lot of friends who were girls which I did not really mind. I just felt he was considered as a girl for being comforting to be around since I usually saw men as dangerous and unsafe.

We only met two times a month and I would say I get disappointed in meeting him in person as I spend weeks just fantasizing him. I always thought maybe I expect too much in a man and can just accept who he is. We did had a cute bond on being supportive on one another but I did not feel any sexual or romantic attraction to him. I did remember just talking how I felt so trapped being under the male gaze to him that I realized I felt trapped being with him which made me think was I experiencing comphet? Well, he was my first and I had no idea what is the difference between a romantic and platonic relationship. Every time I come over his place to have sex, it just felt forced to where I always thought maybe I was unfamiliar with it as this kept going for like 6 months.

I did fixate on him also to where I enjoyed seeing what he was thinking and how he probably assumed I was being insecure for stalking on him online. I suppose he was trying to tease me at times on talking to a girl because they were both aware of my obsessive stalking but I really had nothing wanting to do with him. I was kind of new and fascinated to the internet world. I just felt like I wanted him to be happy and wasn't really aware of my existence which was pretty comical. I felt like I did loved him in a caring way but part of me really wanted to erase everything what happened between the both of us because this was unhealthy for me. I feel so bad because I grew up wishing I liked men in a normal way only to realize maybe I am just not attracted to them. I suppose I envied how many friends he had who were girls and the attention he got from them compared to me.

I felt bad just cutting him off of my life from being so obsessed with him but not wanting to form in a relationship with him. Like from being so fixated on him, I knew how I can make him hate me to break off this unhealthy fixation I have with him. I pretended to like someone who I fixated in the past who liked me back too to make my new date leave me alone where in reality I want to do nothing with the both of them. I rather let him hate me then to tell him the truth which is so shitty of me but I didn’t want to break his heart. 

I just hope he never really considered of thinking something was wrong with him when everything was my fault. I remembered just looking at him on how I just wish I could be with him, but I never saw myself with a man which hurt me. I heard apparently that I was his first love to him which made me devastated because I used him to harm me but he ended up loving me. I was sad because he was sad because I felt like I was never there and understood how it was like to be him. I am just so confused if this is just my mania or figuring out I am a lesbian. I suppose my mania was just putting myself out there pretending I was a straight girl and being attracted to men the whole time.

I never came out to him and I suppose both of us are moving on with our lives now because I was still holding onto that guilt that I want to share this out online. Part of me wishes he knew I did loved him but I did not want him to get mixed up thinking I want him back or I might end up doing the same thing over again to him. I was in relief as he got into a relationship with someone else because he deserves to be loved by someone who actually loves him. I suppose I never assume the only disgusted person I considered was actually me the whole time. I was a shitty person to him but I was never intending wanting to hurt him.