I guess I’m just trying to vent, or maybe even see how others may handle their issues with splitting.

My husband’s deployed, set to return in November. For someone who’s recently been diagnosed with BPD, I’d say I’ve handled the distance particularly well even with my shortcomings. I’m more of a quiet BPD when it comes to my relationships, typically internalizing everything until it builds to a degree where I can’t contain it.

I was abused throughout my childhood, sexually, mentally, and once physically. My mother passed away 6 years ago and that took an incredibly huge toll on my mentality. Crazy enough, I joined the military on a whim when I was tired of feeling like my life was going nowhere and have managed to survive in this crazy lifestyle. I’m getting out next year, and my husband is also Navy. 

We met in December, he told me he loved me after a week. My connection to him was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in life. He’s been patient through my issues even before I was diagnosed. We got married in March, basically right before he deployed. Reading into my diagnosis now I feel that maybe I was just following a BPD impulse to marry so that I could feel secure in my relationship status. Either way, I obviously have my trust issues.

He gave me his laptop password a month or so ago so I could play a game that my PC couldn’t run. I started snooping and went back to phone/PC history before he went on deployment and found porn.. of course, right? Well porn is an incredibly intense trigger for me, I teeter between being okay with it a little bit to absolutely feeling degraded and unwanted whenever I’m aware someone I love uses it. I told him I snooped and he was upset, told me he wasn’t sure he trusted me as much, and that he didn’t know why I never could trust him. I haven’t talked to him about my frequent episodes of splitting toward him whenever I think about the fact that I’m married to someone who watches porn. He becomes this disgusting man I can’t believe I ever married, etc. 

And recently, I snooped on his FB messages. I know, I know.. but he’s been casually talking to his ex who he was with for 3+ years, and even though the conversations aren’t even that deep or serious, it’s creating a big rift in how I feel toward him because I can’t understand why he’d continue to talk to her being married to me.

My counselor says it’s okay for me to set a boundary with the porn and talking to the ex, but I’m afraid that even attempting to set these boundaries is just an extension of this disorder. Am I being unreasonable? Is it unfair for me to want these things? Is he deserving of this attitude I’ve developed about him, even if he doesn’t know I have it?

How could I even tell him I looked at his messenger if he reacted the way he did the last time I was honest about looking through his history. Ugh, what do I even do.. I’ve taken my wedding ring off and just tried to distance myself from the truth that I’m married so all of these things stop hurting my feelings. I’m starting to not even want him to come home.

Thanks for reading guys, even if you can’t relate. I’m really struggling with myself. I’m incredibly self aware and empathetic toward others so I suffer instead of making them suffer, but I’m steadily destroying myself in this relationship. I really love him underneath it all, but I fear that feeling is going to fade with this demonizing attitude I continue to create about him.