I need help.

I have been struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder since I was 16 years old. I have been struggling with creating and maintaining friendships and romantic relationships for years and I feel like it has only become worse. I'm already beginning to feel like my roommate doesn't want my company. (I've also been having issues with my boyfriend but I will save that for another post.)

I go to a SUNY college and this is my first year staying on campus. I felt like staying in a dorm would make it easier to connect to people and create real friendships. My roommate and I have been getting along, for the most part, however, there are some very big differences in our ways of life. My roommate is a big fan of smoking and introduced me to another girl who smokes as well. I stopped smoking when I graduated high school but they used to invite me to smoke with them or just come with them outside in general.

Now, my roommate will clearly be leaving to smoke but will say nothing to me and just leaves the room. Today, she came back into the room, grabbed some homework things, and left the room. Most of her classes are in-person and a really big part of me felt like she was going to the other girl's room to do homework, which she's never done before. I feel extremely offended because I didn't receive an invitation and she didn't say a word to me. She just left. So, in return, I emailed housing and requested to speak to someone about possibly switching my room to a single room because clearly my company isn't wanted. Deep down I know that she's allowed to have her own friends and I have the freedom to do the same, but I can't get over this feeling of offense and pettiness. 

I know it's only the third week into the school semester, but I feel like making friends up here will be difficult as it would be if I would have stayed in the city. I've never been able to maintain friendships past a few months, no matter how much I try to change my attitude, the way I speak, how I dress, my interests, etc. I've even gone so far as to try to download Bumble (BFF, NOT DATE) and try to find group chats on campus, even tried to find people who go to my school that may struggle with the same thing, but to no avail. I feel completely trapped and unwanted. I don't even want to spend time in my dorm room with my roommate unless it's to sleep. I feel so alone and I tried to overdose because of it. I want friends that can at least understand me but I haven't even been able to find that.

What can I do to bring myself out of these feelings? I want to cry, I want to starve, and fade away into nothing. It just seems like the world keeps trying to erase me and I won't let it....but maybe I should?