Sorry for posting this here, I don't have anyone to talk to really and it feels like I'm going to explode from the inside out if I don't get this out in someway and I wanted to be able to talk more to other people with BPD. Hoping I'm using the correct flair for this, I apologize if this isn't the appropriate flair.

Anyway so, I went through an extremely severe breakup today (with my FP) and it feels like my world is turning itself inside out at the moment. I feel like a complete mess. The relationship had gone on for over a year and we spent literally everyday together. If we couldn't be there in person, we still spent hours texting or through phone calls. I haven't been able to stop crying and it feels like my world is just ending, it feels like the one person I truly put everything into and had so much unconditional love for has just up and abandoned me and that unconditional love wasn't returned and it hurts so bad. I feel like I put up with so many of their mistakes and so many betrayals of trust just for them to leave all the same.

It's just so fucking hard. I accidentally lost and cut off people for the sake of this person because I was so hyperfocused on them and really thought it was going to be forever and this breakup feels so sudden and like the rug has been pulled up from under me. I now feel so alone and I don't know what to do. All my time with them feels like nothing now and it just all fucking hurts to even think about it for even a second. I don't know how to properly word my feelings, all I can describe it is as this aching emptiness and I feel angry and betrayed and miserable about it. And not all of those feelings are rational I know, it's just how I'm feeling.

Everything feels just so meaningless now. I spent so much time dedicated towards this person and now I feel lost and abandoned and like this past year of my life has meant absolutely fucking nothing with them. I've cut them off from my life after the breakup as I recognise staying in contact would hurt me even further and I'd never heal but their lack of presence makes everything feel like it never happened. I just feels so empty and lost and I feel like I'll never be happy again the way I was with them. 

And there's the small tiny bit of relief that comes with it. Such as no longer having to second guess whether they still care about me or love me or want to be with me anymore. That pressure is gone from my life but the miserable feeling just outweighs it by such a large margin.

Sorry once again, I don't expect anyone to read this. I just needed somewhere, someplace, to talk about this before I exploded.