When I (M31) was younger, I was never the fighting type. I was a fairly quiet kid, my parents raised me in a protective environment and I lived in a safe area. I never got into fights, I did not need to. The older I got, of course a fight had to come. But when it loomed, I got so scared that at first I ran away. Eventually I did fight once, and ended up literally shitting my pants.

For the life of me I could not understand why I was this way. It bothered me that other guys seemed to be super into fighting, were not (or way less) scared and seemed to have confidence and agression. I had non of those things, so I feared those fight-types with my life.

This period of my life has left deep wounds. I felt like a pussy, I felt powerless to resist and that fear remains to this day. Feeling like even if a confrontation would happen, I'd either freeze or shit myself (and get shamed) is a horrible feeling. I just want to be a tough guy that can stand up for himself in a fight without freezing.

Now I know that this is a matter of conditioning. I have been boxing for some years, became quite assertive and slowly learn to realise that it is just a matter of experience. Of desensitizing myself to all these situations. The emotional wound of feeling like a pussy needs to heal, because freezing when I had to defend myself was a horrible feeling and I have trouble not blaming myself. It gives me a lot of anxiety for the future.

Anyway, I just needed to write this off me. Are there people here who recognize this and have gone through similar feelings?