I’ve had anxiety my whole life, even as a small child. I don’t think I’ve ever been relaxed a single day in my life. I’ve never played it cool literally ever. I had been on and off meds pretty much from early adulthood on.. (20’s to now I am 35).
My depression and anxiety has definitely held me back a little bit in adulthood. I was always very naturally smart in school, but I never had the drive to really push myself and social anxiety caused me to drop out of college multiple times. Fast forward to now, a few years ago I finished my accounting degree, got a really great job and worked my way up the ladder and I am thriving in my career, very well respected by my boss and my peers, started at 50,000 and over the past couple years with performance and annual raises I am making 75K and I am so proud of myself. I never thought I would ever be at this point in my life. I attribute the last 6 years of success to medication. I started on Wellbutrin and eventually also began to take Buspar.
The Wellbutrin saved my life. I don’t believe I was ever suicidal but I was just going through the motions. I cried all the time, ruined friendships and relationships, gained a ton of weight, was insanely highly functioning at work, but that took all of my energy and I would go home and immediately get into bed. Literally 6pm until 6am. Every day. For YEARS.
Now I feel I am thriving, though I still have highs and lows on medication. Sometimes I’m extremely manic and happy and I know it will soon be followed by deep depression. 
I started getting lazy and literally didn’t take my medication for about a month.. stayed on a very happy and level manic state, KILLED it at work, like I don’t think I’ve ever been so productive.. got so many kudos from my boss.. then I started feeling so much stress that I was like ok get your shit together, take your meds.
I’ve been back on for about a week and I’ve have felt so sad, depressed, lonely, hopeless. I can’t tell if it’s the meds making me this way or if I just hit another low. I hate feeling this way.
I know I need the medication, but any other time I’ve done this I felt better after starting them again.
Idk what kind of response I am looking for with this post. I just needed to vent bc there aren’t many people who understand in my life. They’ll listen, bc I am very outspoken about my mental illness, they just don’t get it and though they wouldn’t dismiss it, it is like talking to a plant.