I've been bipolar II since about 18. Medication somehow makes it worse and therapy is...expensive. 

I don't know many other people with this illness, but everyone else's hypomanic states makes them more...volatile (which I know is normal.)

For me, I feel like it's the only time people like me and want to be around me. I'm willing to forgo sleep to fill whatever impulse desires my brain comes up with. I don't go out of my way to hurt those close to me, but the god complex makes me want to be almost worshipped in a consensual manner. People have even stated they love it when I'm hypomanic. It's honestly the only time I feel like I can accomplish anything.


But with every high comes lows that are not worth it. My depressive phases leave me completely stuck in bed. I can't even watch tv. Recently there has been so much trauma in my life that I'm at the lowest I've been since 2017. I thought I was healing. I thought I was getting better. The temporary happiness is not worth it. 

This is also where I lose friendships. They don't understand my depression is different from there's. They don't get that my absolute best is just being able to shower. They can function on their depression, while I can barely exist. I've lost so much because I've been "too sad" for people. 

Now I know a lot of those people who have been cut off are toxic, but that's another thing. I don't have a support system. I try to make friends to develolp one, as it's essential to healing. However it's a choice between toxicity and lonliness. My own parents aren't around for me. There isn't anyone to help me when I can't even help myself.

I hate being this dependent on people. I hate being this unable to get a job. I hate all happiness only being temporary. I hate it.