I don't know if this is considered _anxiety_, but I believe it is.

All right, so let me tell you my story first before getting to the main part. I believe this backstory also affects my impression of needles, as it has several traumatic events. However, in a way, my phobia is also genetic, as my father used to experience the same issue with me. Luckily, he was able to overcome it. I haven't _yet_...

When I was a kid, I was asked to be vaccinated. Since I disliked needles, I had to be "handcuffed" for the whole medical thing to be done. As a result, my vaccination hurt a whole lot. I remember that day as clear as yesterday. 

When I was a teenager, I had my first blood test. The first one was totally painless! The second and subsequent ones did anger me a little because they hurt. I once contracted dengue fever and had to be hospitalized for about one week. I had to experience over 5+ stabs of intravenous procedures because my veins had narrowed. They **HURT A LOT**. I am very traumatized. I can't even get over them. 

In Indonesia, vaccines are not mandatory, so yearly vaccines are not that crucial here. Because of that, I am skipping all of them.

What's becoming an issue is that I have trouble getting my COVID-19 vaccine. I booked 5 times, and I failed in all of my appointments. If I were to rate my fear from 1 to 10, it would be 11 because it's just out of the world. What I am afraid of is not the idea of getting my skin punctured but it's the pain. I am slightly scared of pointy objects and medical procedures, but nothing is as worse as my fear of needle pain. I really hate the pain. The pain has always been the one dragging me back. I know people say sometimes it's painless, and even if it hurts, it's just very trivial. But, I can't just activate that mindset.

I know I **must** get the vaccine, and I really **want** to get one, but my fear keeps overpowering my will. I even have tried using Ethyl Chloride (cold sprays) to lessen my anxiety. Well, it does help, but not a lot. My fear is still too big. 

A simple imagery would be like: even if my mother offered to give me $1,000 for successfully getting injected, I would still fail the vaccination. In other words, whatever benefits lie on the other side of the vaccination just can't really help my will overcome my fear. Speaking of which, these benefits include me being able to study abroad, etc. They worth a lot. More like $40,000+ if we had to calculate it with money.

What can I do to help me get past this crucial point in my life? Should I resort to hypnotherapists or psychologists? Should I bravely look at the needle, or should I turn away? What do you think? Have you experienced something similar before? If yes, do you have any wise words that could empower me?

Thanks very much!