I've noticed something about my depression that with experience I think is quite significant.
As I go down into worse moods, I tend to get fixated on things I believe will help me, or that I believe is what I really "want" from life.

A few years ago I read a story that made me sad - it didn't contribute to the depression per se, just was a catalyst for worse moods. But, weirdly, I became convinced I wanted to move to the place where the story took place. I wanted to meet people who were like the characters in the story! So I developed this odd fixation on that, even though it was mostly nonsensical.

The feeling went away with SSRIs, but after a while I had to stop taking them. The feelings returned but in different forms. I watched a lot of streamers because they usually cheer me up, but I developed weird feelings about them. Perhaps I was depressed because I wasn't part of *that* lifestyle. If I was a successful streamer maybe I'd be happy. I became fixated.

It's complete nonsense, often quite embarrassing to write out, and I don't understand it. I wonder if it's the manifestation of a part of my subconscious that is desperately looking for purpose in life, or a consequence of loneliness. It makes having ambition difficult because you don't know if your desires are realistic or the product of depression.

I just want to understand it more and see if anyone else has something similar.