Anxiety is a funny thing. It stops our bodies from being sleepy even though we are exhausted, tired from work, tired from worry. Tired from responsibilities. This ball of anxiety weighing on my chest is hard to deal with. It feels like a thousand pounds of weight on my chest. Trying to seep it’s ugly stench into my skin. It’s talking to me and stealing the oxygen from my lungs. It’s whispering horrible things into my ear about how worthless I am. It tells me I’m embarrassing and I’m not likeable. He tells me every second of every waking hour how shitty of a human I am. I know it’s spews ugly lies. I know it’s not true but its voice is louder than my heart. It warns me to ignore my own needs and to focus on every mistake I’ve ever made, even makes up my future mistakes vividly. But I love my body even if I can’t regulate my serotonin and dopamine without pills. My body is missing that strong love affair with myself.

And being so close with this ball of negative anxiety it pushes away those thoughts of self-love I truly miss and definitely require. Like food to my soul. I hunger for it. I yearn for self love like a child that takes its first steps and reaches out for his loving parents. 

The big hairy ball of ugliness knows it lies to me. And with every word that my head believes it, the bigger and stronger it becomes.

So then I lie to it. I tell it I’m not scared of the horrible things It says to me. I crush it by being louder than it’s seething lies. I tell myself I deserve love. I deserve peace. I deserve to enjoy the warm mug full of coffee in the cold brisk morning. I deserve to see the beauty in the sun and the clouds and the stars and the moon. I deserve to feel the same happiness I felt as a child riding my bicycle feeling free. No care or worry in the world. I can enjoy the cool wind on my face when I stop outside into the daylight. I love to spot the new daffodils blooming for me. The bright yellow of the petals, the grass becoming greener. I enjoy petting my dog and feeling its soft fur in between my fingers as he looks up at me with lovingly and trustworthy eyes. I love that I can go outside and throw a tennis ball and my dog will bring it back with excitement in his gait. I may not feel the best, with my head throbbing and my unshowered skin. I might look even more horrid than I feel. But that’s my negativity speaking, trying to be louder than my enjoyment.

I can appreciate my life. It’s not easy. But as I dress myself in soft, comforting clothes, I can walk outside and enjoy the new Spring air. The new flowers growing and blooming. The warmer days of sunshine. The orange sunsets. The spring rainfall. The sounds of the pitter patter pitter patter as the rain falls onto the roof and against the windowsills. I enjoy the sound of it all.  I close my eyes and take it all in.  And for a moment I’m able to block out the angry ball of anxiety. And only hear the thunder in the distance whispering to me “It will be all right”.


:: I have to remind myself that journaling helps with the anxiety and I wanted to share my brain dump with you in hopes that this out can help someone else as well.