Hi all, I’ve had anxiety and panic attack issues for the past 6 years or so, ebbing and flowing. The main issue for me is work. After doing just enough freelance work during the pandemic to get by, I wanted to get a regular gig since the world is reopening and I need more money. I knew a full time job would be stressful for me, I’m a caretaker for my disabled mom and my dad has health issues too, so it can be hard to balance that with work. So I was looking for a lower stress, contract or temp position. Part time or short term probably would have been better in hindsight, but I got an offer for a full time, remote gig that paid well and didn’t seem too hard or out of my skill set. I was a little nervous after I accepted, but was being proactive and exercising daily and meditating and listening to self help books. I cleaned my workspace and cleared my schedule to be ready. Then about 5 days before my start date I had a panic attack which kicked off a cycle of distorted negative thinking and daily panic attacks. I was trying my best to counteract them. During the pandemic I was really not anxious because I was in my comfort zone, no triggers being at home and working part time. So I had stopped therapy and lowered my medication (Zoloft). So a few days before the job started I made an appointment with my therapist who gave me a pep talk and doctor to raise my medication. This was probably too late to help though. I made it through the first day, exhausted and overwhelmed, but went for two walks and meditated and did yoga. But I had a panic attack at night, took an Ativan, then woke up and had another panic attack, took an Ativan and decided I couldn’t put myself through this. The thought of working full time, being on all the emails and zoom meeting and responsibility for a year was terrifying. I know i should take it day by day, but the reality of working 40 hours vs. thinking in my mind it’s a good thing to do and I need money just didn’t work. I couldn’t be in this pain. I knew I could push through the first two weeks of onboarding, and maybe the anxiety would decrease. But if it didn’t and I had to quit then, after they wasted time and resources on me would be bad, so I wanted to drop out before that. So I told my manager on the second day I was having mental health issues and wasn’t ready to work full time like I had hoped. They were understanding and nice about it. This has happened to me twice before with jobs, one full time job about 5 years ago when my anxiety first started, where I didn’t know what was going on with me and thought I was sick/losing my mind and had to quit and couldn’t do the 2 weeks notice and they were pretty annoyed with me and it took me months to recover. The second time was about 3 years ago, I got a part time job and was fine for the first two weeks and then got sick with anxiety every morning and had to quit without notice again. I said it was because I got other work and they were annoyed by my unprofessionalism. I ended up talking to my manger and she was understanding once I told her the real reason I quit. So, I didn’t want to repeat these mistakes, so I’m glad I was honest with this job and they respected that and aren’t mad at me which helps not to have a layer of shame about quitting. But my problem now is what the hell am I going to do for work? I can’t just not work for the rest of my life because of anxiety! I can’t tell if the problem is all anxiety, or the fact that the way I’ve made money (graphic design) is the wrong career for me and my body/mind is telling me not to do it. So I feel very lost and like I need to change careers at 34. I don’t know if I should just accept that 9-5 office jobs aren’t for me and I should be a nanny or go back to school for a trade like radiologist tech? Or if it’s anxiety issues I need to focus on. I know most people don’t LOVE their jobs and find them anxiety producing, but do it for the money. Something in me is broken where I can’t accept that I have to work to make money to have the life I want. I guess because I have a cushion of savings, sporadic freelance work, and my parents help financially if I was desperate, so my brain sees a way to escape from working without becoming destitute. But I don’t want to just skate by for the rest of my life. I did talk therapy for about 5 years, and worked through a lot of the grief about my mom for the first time and learning to accept discomfort and mindfulness techniques, etc. And have been on Zoloft for the past 5 years or so. At this point I feel like I need something besides talk therapy. Like intense CBT program? Or EMDR? See a psychiatrist? Part of the problem is when the trigger (work) is gone I feel ok and it’s hard to do the CBT worksheets and stuff when I don’t have a big issue, but also it would be very hard to do an intense CBT program WHILE starting a new job. 
Sigh, basically looking for advice on things to try. 

Lifestyle things: 34 year old female, I eat fairly healthy and walk and sleep well, generally have good routines and self care (when things are normal). I don’t drink alcohol. I do smoke pot at night, habitually for the past 9 years or so since college. It helps me relax and turn off my mind at night and most of all get sleepy. I know a lot of people think pot makes anxiety worse. It obviously helps in the moment, but I know it might be doing more harm than good. My therapist doesn’t think it’s that different than people who have a glass of wine at night to unwind, but I know I should at least quit for a while to see if it helps, but I’m really not motivated to.