I thought I'd briefly share my story, as it's only recently that a lot of things have become clear to me and I've gone through something of a revelation. 

That revelation is, that the person I was last dating had BPD. But the bigger bombshell was that - whilst reading everything I possibly could on the disorder - I came to the realisation I myself had previously also been borderline, and still carry some traits, for sure. It's how I could so clearly relate to my recent ex and his behaviours, it all seemed so familiar to me (as nonsensical as it was to everyone else) and now I know why.

I am 34 now and believe that up until around 10 years ago, I suffered from BPD, depression and anxiety. I always recognised I had...*something* but I wasn't sure what it was beyond anxiety and depression, and I was only ever diagnosed with the latter two. I had brief CBT therapy sessions which didn't really do anything for me. BPD was never mentioned and I had never looked too deeply into it. Having lurked on this board for a while and read all your first hand experiences on the symptoms, even without a diagnosis, I'm certain I was borderline. 

The constant splitting, unstable sense of self, feelings of emptiness, wanting to reach out but hating people at the same time, the ups and downs that seemed to flip from second to second, the tunnel vision and inability to look around and see the bigger picture, the binge eating. And the explosive rage, which was and still is, one of my biggest issues. The friendships ruined and cut, family ties broken, multiple jobs left, just leaving a trail of devastation wherever I went, whoever I came into contact with. All the while thinking I was just 'unlucky' and the world was a cruel, harsh place out to get me. 

Things came to a head around 10 years ago when I ended up in a volatile relationship with my ex boyfriend, having cut my family out of my life, driven all my friends away and was about to lose my dead end job. Yes, I verbally abused my ex and physically attacked him, the police were often called by the neighbours. It came to a head when my long suffering partner started to fight back and unfortunately we ended up in a abusive spiral. The last time I saw him was in court, where he was on trial for physically attacking me. 

I have to say at this point, that I have always been a 'high functioning' PWBPD. I went to university, got top grades and in the last 10 years have worked for some of the world's biggest corporations, running the rat race just like anyone else. To have this period of my life in the closet is like an unbearable burden, nobody would ever be able to guess what I monster I used to be. 

And yet, despite all of this, I was never diagnosed as BPD. But I fit it to T, with the abusive childhood to go with it. 

10 years on and I've turned my life around. I'm not sure how exactly, but I know that since I started taking antidepressants my thought processes and the way I deal with things have gradually changed over time, along with constant self improvement and being mindful. But besides being more self aware and taking medication, I have had no other help. 

I still have symptoms to this day but on the whole, internally feel like a completely different person. However, there are a number of things in my life that have  repeatedly happened and cannot be explained away, apart from being remnants of my BPD that I have not managed to resolve. But now that I am aware of the disorder, it all makes so much sense and I am determined to work on it. 

But no matter what hardships I go through nowadays, it's still  incomparable to the utter terror, rage, anxiety and helplessness I felt on a daily basis for much of my life until 10 years ago. Everyday I was on the edge, about to fall off a cliff. Everyday was a crisis. Everyday was that last thread. I don't know how I managed to survive all those years. I don't know how anyone could stand me.

I still have some way to go but for those of you still suffering, I feel you and am wishing you can all come out the other side someday. Because i promise you, it 100% does not have to be like this. Back then I didn't know how life could feel any other way, because I'd never known any different. But I'm proof that it can change, hang in there.