So. I broke up with my ex last year and was on a dating app. I was happily single for 6 months or so, found someone compatible and we started hanging out since march. He felt perfect. I am someone who has had an avoidant attachment style and have attracted a lot of toxicity in life, but he was the first guy with a secure attachment style and normal ways of behaving. He didn't cling onto me or hold me responsible for his emotions, nor did he show any inconsistency and was just so....normal. Honestly, that was a big deal for me. 

The first few months with him were great. I finally felt like I could breathe, no pressure (just like the nice breeziness you feel when you're single), with the addition of being cared for. Then the shit storm. He said that he wants to take this forward (make it official) and I got awkward about it. Since my last relationship I associate relationships with being responsible for others' emotions. So I told him to give me some time to work on myself, ease into this. I wanted to get to know him better. The very next week I had an anxiety attack. I realized that I was feeling attached to him and with that came feelings of vulnerability, terror and dread.

I often tend to sit on the fence when it comes to commitment coz I want to be extra sure that the other person is safe. I self-soothed. Told myself that it's okay to take time. That there's no pressure. 

Then this week, I was deleting my dating app and just like that, opened our chat and I noticed he had updated his profile. I was SO MAD. I confronted him on this and he said he wasn't actually using it but I don't know, I couldn't believe him. Why all the effort then?! I get it that we 'weren't official' but then he never should've told me was interested in me! I feel disrespected. As though I was just another sneaker on the shelf. If he wasn't sure about me, he should've just said it, I wouldn't have invested time on this and could've been 10x more productive this week. 

It's been a week of one word responses from my end. Tomorrow we're going to talk. I don't even know what's left to talk about. Holding in all that anger has ruined this week for me. I want to calm down, listen to what he wants to explain because for the 6 months I've known him, he doesn't seem to be twisted in any way. But I can't not hate him for wasting my time. I literally hate him from every fiber of my being and I don't know why it's so intense. I wasn't even ready to dive into dating him, I don't know why I'm feeling this way. There's literally no way I can see him cover up for what happened. Even if this gets sorted, I don't think I'll be able to see him the same way again. It sucks that the one time you think someone is a safe person they do something stupid.

I'm REALLY angry while I write this. I don't know what to expect now.