We both have BPD but to no surprise we do not speak with each other.

My parents came to Canada, I don't know why honestly. They worked shitty jobs and started a family they were not ready to have. My father would beat all of us when he was mad. I remember him beating my mom while my sister tried stopping him which turned into my sister getting beat.

But you know what? So did my uncles and  most males in our community and they didn't try to hide it. My mom's parents were aware I'm sure but they were not going to stop him.

My sister faced abuse to a degree I can not imagine. My father's mother would babysit her and she hated her for being female. She wanted a grandson but got her, so she'd tie her up and leave her hungry and alone till my mom was able to come home and take care of her. My grandmother would literally try to abandon her at parks until my mom got home and had to run to go find her. 

My sisters teen years were hell. My parents didn't understand mental illness, their priority was the community and how they were seen by others. They didn't want to be outcasts or be judged. I am 5 years younger than her and I along with my parents made her feel ashamed for acting out and embarrassing us. They would blame her WHITE friends for any of her misbehavior and they took extreme measures to try and stop her. She did eventually get to see professionals after a suicide attempt but she never got better, maybe it was too late. 

My sister turned into one of my abusers, she made my teenage years incredibly awful. Once she was out of my life things started to get better but then she returned  with a baby. 

So as a male I acted out as well but my punishments were never as severe as hers. I was able to hide most of the terrible shit I did because I wasn't constantly under a microscope like she and many females in my community are. Maybe she would hurt me because of the unfairness she witnessed between our punishments, but her abuse hurt me more than my dad's hands could. 

The cycle of abuse didn't end but I am trying now to end it. I had an ex that I treated terribly. I never physically hit her but I was incredibly manipulative. I don't want to get into all the terrible shit I did to her but she escaped me and I'm glad she did. I was honest about it too with my parents and yet they never scolded me for screaming at her or even cheating on her so often. I think even if I told them I was hypothetically beating her they still would've considered it acceptable. My dad himself gave me advice on how to beat her and not get caught by law enforcement. He even shared with me after a disagreement with my mom on how he wishes he could still beat her as it was easier than dealing with my mother's disobedience. My mom's close friend was just beaten brutally by her husband who by no surprise is friends with my father. Guess what, THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER. 

I feel like beating all of these men to remind them what helpless feels like. I am bigger and stronger than all of them and it honestly feels like it would bring me so much satisfaction to hold them down against their wills and beat them like they'd beat their wives and children. They never faced any consequences, maybe a mentally ill son is enough of a punishment for my father. 

I wish I was dead