So I'm feeling that fucking lonely that I'm now typing a reddit post about that. Life is really going great. (sarcasm, if you don't get it). I feel so incredibly lonely like no one would care if I died right now. Like sure people would be like "Oh, that's too bad." and maybe think about it for a day or two, but nobody would really be affected by it in the long run. I bet some people would be even happy to know that I no longer exist.

I live with suicidal thoughts since I can remember, literally.  I don't know why I am like this. Even if the thoughts get less sometimes, they always return.

In the last couple of years I lost 5 friendships of which I thought they might last for a long time. But turns out as soon as I don't do what people want me to do and I'm no longer of any use to them. This year I lost a friendship of which I really thought it might hold in for life. The reason for it basically was miscommunication and really it's just stupid. And it hurts me so much that she seems totally unaffected by it. I cried my eyes out about it countless times while she just keeps on living her best life. I can imagine that the reason for that is that she now found new and easier to deal with friends, so she doesn't need to put up with me anymore. I it hurts so much more thinking about the times I made time for her in my busy schedule just to help her regardless of how much more stress it would lead me to have because of it.

Really, I don't need any messages or answers to this post. I just need to get this out of my brain.