dysphoric mania having me ripping my hair out

a little while i managed (with a LOT of difficulty) to pass out for several hours two days in a row before losing the ability to sleep more than 2 horus again. but apparnetly i can SLEEP on ativan. i feel like my symptoms - even though they're still the fucking worst and seriously i cannot wait for this all to be over - are getting better like, signifciantly. if i can continue to sleep like this does that mean the episode's over? im so fucking glad i got this refilled. he didn't bother raising my depakote or switching me to lithium (since i'm on a pretty high depakote dosage already)? literally just. gave me 25mg hydroxyzine. FINALLY refilled the ativan (which i figured just Wasn't Gonna Happen at this point bc he kept fucking up the insurance authorization) as if that wouldn't have been important at a time like this lmao.

&amp; inb4 benzos are evil speech: totally get u and i totally see how this could b a dangerous path. being extremely careful bc i know what it's like to be fucked the fuck up by popping pills. i'm intentionally taking half of the prescribed dose - 3/4 at most or for emergencies - per day. im at a max of 1mg four times a day and do not plan on asking for an increase like, ever, if i can help it. have also been on klonopin with no issues of dependence. looking out for the signs but yeah if this is working That Well for me i'm kinda just gonna stick with "this fucking rules" ngl

and ON THAT NOTE not to give a benzos are evil speech you genuinely do have to be. very. very careful with that shit like as a recovered addict (to a much different substance) im watching my ass closely AF for signs that i'm not tumbling down again. just stick to what's on the bottle. if you NEED less, take less. reading abt the rebount shit felt veeery famliar and i know how to handle that now lol. my doc knows abt what i've been through on that front. taking more Does Not Work. then you'll just need to take even more than that again.

it's just. it's good to breathe again. my heart's still going insane and i still can't stop moving. stuff like that. but it's still. a little slower, if only by a bit it's a very welcome difference.

put this in the "med question" tag even though it's more of like, a discussion - always good to see both perspectives as a former addict.