I'm literally so annoyed with myself. I've become a completely different person and I hate my attitude right now. I know saying this is being mean to myself and doing myself no good, but I don't care.

So some context here: I'm in JC2 this year, and I used to be a cheerful, hardworking and organised person back in JC1. I could handle stress well because of my good time management and did quite well academically and enjoyed spending time with my friends and even had a leadership role in school as vice chair. Then somehow at the start of this year I started feeling depressed for no reason. The symptoms were low mood and not wanting to talk to others, including my friends. After that I started feeling like I can't link things together and think as clearly as before. It's like the things that are taught doesn't really make sense and I have to force it into my head. This problem with understanding got worse as I realised it wasn't just recently taught topics, but I couldn't understand topics that were taught last year as well, which I used to be able to do. This caused me to feel more anxious which didn't help at all.

That's how my attitude started to change. I started to get frustrated every time I studied and would whine to my parents at home, which I never would have done before. My time management started to fail and I felt like I can't handle any stress and would try to avoid all stressors, which affected my ability to perform as class leader. The stress also affected my relationship with my friends as well because I'm constantly moody and don't talk at all when I'm with them, since my mind is constantly blank with nothing to say.  I've asked advice from countless people, and none of them seemed to work, because this stupid brain of mine just rejects anything that it doesn't want to hear. 

And then I got so frustrated that I just didn't care anymore. I started to avoid my friends. I gave up trying to study. I continued to complain to my parents that going to school was torturous because I'm learning nothing and just walking around school everyday during breaks alone instead of being with my friends or studying, even though this was all my fault. I got myself diagnosed with depression and anxiety based on the symptoms I stated in the above paragraph. Then I decided to take a gap year from school because I can't continue school with this attitude, even though I didn't feel depressed or anxious anymore because now I just don't care.

Now that I'm on a gap year that is meant to help me recover, I'm spending time everyday on my phone and I'm worried for my future because of my attitude but don't give a shit at the same time because I don't want to do anything like exploring my interests or learning anything new or doing out for a walk. Mindfulness sessions that are supposed to help reduce anxiety don't work on me anymore because I don't feel anxious since I don't give a shit anymore. I just roll my eyes in my head when they talk about mindfulness and let everything pass through my head because I don't care about forcing myself to remember any information anymore. I don't even want to share anything with my parents anymore because I'll just end up whining about the same problems and crying and then they can't do anything about it.

And if I don't care about anything, why am I even writing this post? I don't know, maybe to remind me why I decided to take a gap year and stop feeling guilty? I just know I need help because I'm very likely to continue like this but it's difficult for anyone to help if I don't want to help myself.