this is the first time in a long, long ass time that i’ve cried for myself. ive been hiding how i felt mentally for so long that i got into the shower perfectly fine, and about 5 minutes in im curled up sobbing. i’m so deeply angry that i’m stuck with the body i was given. i hate myself so often. i feel like i’m acting. i’m in a play and my brain is the director. “why are you crying? ohh you must be crying for attention. that’s what this is. you’re such a suck up. you realize that?” and i hate this. 

i’m a tran guy ftm. i am too young to be on anything (17yrs old). i can’t get rid of the things on my body that are stuck to me. i hate the way my body looks and i hate that i was stuck with this female body. i want it off. i can’t deal with the fact that it’s stuck to me. it’s never been this bad. this feeing in my gut. the resentment to my own body. i hate this. 

no therapist will take me (no therapists are open to more patients near me) so i’m stuck in my head. my friends have their own problems and i don’t need to pile on my problems too. they aren’t responsible for how i feel or what happens to me. i know they love me and i know my parents love me but this is too much. i don’t plan on hurting myself. i’m just sad. 

i’m a liar. i lie, i stretch the truth so often sometimes i believe the lies i tell. i don’t like lying. but it’s like it’s just second nature now.  i’m not lying right now. promise. 

i’m so sad and i feel like nobody can help me. i feel like i’m too far down that i don’t honk i could honestly talk to a therapist without lying to them too. i would probably get better if i just checked myself into a mental hospital. 

i don’t know what to do.