I am so exhausted of this FP bullshit.

It’s the same thing every time. I was so proud of myself because I totally detached from mine back in the first week of august, I even shared the news here because I couldn’t believe I did it. As time went on it got harder and came back in the end of September. 
I was THRILLED. Someone *I* left came crawling back to me??? Begging me to come back??? I couldn’t believe it because in my mind he was so much better than me. I tried to play hard to get but of course, I gave in. 

Since November I’ve been depressed with that choice. The ups and downs are interchanging but there’s more downs than anything else.

I feel like I need him to function. I’m so scared of going through that almost withdrawal period. I have no friends. I have no support. I don’t have a therapist anymore. He is my validation, my happiness. Is it distorted and probably not even real? Yes. Do I know that? Yes. Does that change anything? No.

I’m ashamed writing this. I hate myself so much for it. 

Things are going to change with how much time we are around each other starting on the last day of the month and it was like a blow to my gut. The thought of that separation from someone I am so attached to and then alllll the possible scenarios that could happen are killing me.

I don’t even love him. That’s the sad part. I’m not even sure what that is. But in the moment, the highs feel like love. 

I’m just really hurting and tired and just so fed up with this shit. I am quietly sobbing so I don’t wake anyone. I feel so incredibly low and alone.