Hi,  
I am thankful to be able to write in a community and hopefully get some feedback from a multitude of different people, with different opinions to see my relationship issues in a more objective view.

I am a male in my mid 20s and I am together with my fiance who is 1 year younger than me.  
We had a great start to the relationship, with child wishes and have tried twice, but sadly due it did not work out either time.  
Our problem mainly evolves around that I am insecure about her, a lot, because of the signals she sends me, and from my understand, from her perspective that I am insecure is an issue, however it was not in the start.

Now, additionally, I have a fear that she might have BPD as her mood flucturations are extreme as well as that she does things that are damaging to our relationship with eachother.

An example on my behavior is mainly that I am insecure and seek a lot of confirmation from my fiance, namely that I often say "I love you" and seek a lot of contact (in my opinion, a normal amount of contact). I am insecure because we dont have sex as often as we used to, and she does not like cuddle or seek it herself almost ever. I always have to come to her and initiate both sex and cuddles, and also sweet talking (I love you, etc.) cute talk.

This is a major issue for me, as my expectation is rather that we could be almost equal about the amount of contact etc that we seek, and it makes me insecure that she does not seek it as often at all.

Then additionally, she has over the past 3 months said she will fly to another country to get away from me, which to me does not make my security of the relationship better.  
Her mood goes in "waves" of sorts and has bad and good times, when its good all is good, and no complaints, but then suddenly from one moment to the other she wants to fly away, take our dog with her in a plane (semi animal abuse) and "Go away from 10 days and then see if I ever want to come back" as she says. I believe this is psycological abuse, that she punishes me for being insecure.

Another example is that I said I love you recently, and expected an I love you back. But instead she screams at me, and gets angry?? I feel that she punishes me for being ME. I know I have a bit of an issue, but no reason to punish me, threaten to leave and take the dog (which I paid for)

Another issue is I have not been the best at cleaning, I fully understand this and I am much better at it now. This however, does not in my opinion make it okay to terroize me and my insecurities, and pretend that they dont mean anything. I also have a need for love, maybe more than others, but I expect that she also supports me in getting rid of it instead of attacking it.

Her mood one day can be happy, kisses, cuddles etc. then change to wanting to leave from one moment to the other almost, and the trigger seems to be anything almost.

"Nothing works in this house" she said an smashed my headphones (expensive ones) into the floor and broke them, walked upstairs and said she want to be alone, I then fixed the headphones and broiught them up to her, however she just screamed at me when I tried to be nice?

In the morning today also, we discussed a bit and I walked downstairs in our house to make an icecoffee for us to be nice, and I brought it up to her, and she says "LEAVE ME ALONE MAN" etc.

It is very hard for me to really care about her, and really trying to improve myself as well as trying to be nice and helpful but still getting screamed at, rejected and feeling like im not worth anything to her with her disregard of my feelings.

I really, really try, and It really makes me insecure that we have maybe had sex 20 times in the past 9 months, which is not a lot in my opinion, because of her issues around the loss of the latest child.  
When she is pregnant all is wonderful and happy...

But really, I am mainly insecure about that I dont feel WANTED by her like she used to show me.  
It is really difficult for me to deal with and that her mood changes so rapidly and so much.  


1. She has showed some abandonment fear, recently, we had an argument about my insecurities based on the fact that I dont feel that she "wants" me and that I dont feel particularly loved. She began screaming and threatened me to leave to another country and take our dog with her and "consider if she wants to continue the relationship" and that I was "bad" and that she "feels like she is in a prison"  
I then told her, because of this, that she had to leave our house(which I own), now, without the dog, if thats what she wants. She then suddenly started crying stating "Dont kick me out of the house I live here too", "Im so scared to be kicked out" etc. Fully crying in a ball.  
,  
She generally is jealous towards other women, she calls all women with more showing clothes SLUTS and HOES, but if she does it herself she does it to "feel sexy" "beautiful" etc. When we drive in the car and a woman looks at me while we drive, she calls her Hoe or slut "What do you want slut" "Dont look at my man" she shouts in the car.  
,  
She has distanced me from some friends which she dont think is good for me because "they use me" as I am a well off young man. She however supports my friendship with one more trustworthy friend. I kind of agree.  
She does not distance me from my family, however she sometimes does not like them too much and does talk bad about them from time to time.
2. She relies, almost solely on BW thinking. One moment everything is good, the other its VERY bad. She uses a lot of all-or-nothing words, when we argue and she gets angry.  
She never says sorry if we have an argument that goes too far, she seems to not acknowledge or accept that something said is not okay.  
I come to her say I am sorry, and I litterally have to wait and look her deep in the eyes and ENCOURAGE her to say "I am sorry" she never does it by herself.
3. I have generally never seen her lash out at friends, but at family I have. But with friends everything is always happy and fun.
4. Her mood can change from one moment to the other and back, mostly it goes fast from positive to negative, but slower from negative to positive.  
She has threatened to leave, and take our dog with her to "think about if we should stay together" 3 times this week, but after 3 hours to 1 day after she is fine again and dont want to leave, however still a bit angry.  
Her reason for being angry and want to leave changes often;  
,  
I am insecure because she dont seek contact, or sex or cuddles, kisses, sweet-talk almost ever. I am insecure about if the really "WANTS" me sexually, and spiritually, if she really LOVES me.  
First, it was that she dont have energy because she is depressed because of partly our miscarrage and then mainly because of her childhood trauma, that I never did anything wrong and that I am perfect.  
Then it was because of my insecurities and that I am the reason for her depression.  
Then when most of my insecurities about the past is fixed, then now its because I dont clean enough, and I am the reason for her depression.

I understand that we should clean 50/50, and that is fair, and I am working on that, however I dont think its fair that her LOVE, and WANTING me should rationally depend on how much I clean.  
She says "You are not grown up because you dont clean enough"  
or "I feel like I am a mother to you, grow up"

I will however clean more, and when it is clean and was more clean she had another issue, namely my insecurities, I feel there is always something wrong, and yes I AM insecure when my partner tells me that;  
"I dont want to have sex with you want you dont clean enough."  
"I dont find you attractive anymore because you dont clean enough"  
"You are not grown up because you dont clean enough"  
"I feel like I am a mother to you, grow up"  
"I will go to x country and take out dog and think about if I want this"  
"You are the reason that I am depressed"

I am insecure when my partner dont seek sex,  
I am insecure when my partner dont seek contact  
I am insecure when my partner dont say cute things to me.  
She rejects me.

and I think most people would be.

She used to do all of these, but now never.  
The difference is heaven and earth, warm and cold, white and black.

I know I have my things to work on, namely my trust in her, and cleaning a bit more.  


I hope someone here can give me a perspective of it all.  
Thanks.