I am 27 yrs old. My brother died when he was only 32  yrs old. I was 24 then. He died in 2016 , as he was very sick and struggled with his condition for many years. My mum and dad and all our family watched him suffer and from a beautiful handsome man he turned to a ghost and weak shell of a man he used to be. I loved my brother so much. I love him still. I've been depressed since I was a kid. Growing up with my parents wasn't easy, and I know that my brother too didn't have it easier. I miss his presence in my life too much to handle. I get flashbacks of him laying in hospital bed sick and not being able to eat on his own. I have flashbacks of him laying dead on the morgue table and me kissing his cold forehead for the last time. I remember his lips being bloody, probably from the tubing. I imagine him smiling to me as we drive in our car with Red Hot Chili Peppers blasting on full. I dream of him and me picking movies to binge watch for the 10th time. I think about him every day still. They say that time heals all wounds but I don't think mine will ever heal. I have to go on because I am now my parents only child and that makes me feel so pressured because they lost their first born and now they only have me and I am their only reason to live. I feel so wrecked and I divide my life in two parts; first was when my brother was alive and second when he died. He was smart,intelligent,funny,had amazing knowledge about the world and art, he passed onto me all my love for movies books and all sorts of art. He was a major influence on me. I am so devastated that I am left without him. Because I need him so much. I need him to guide me and give me his knowledge and wisdom and his love. Life is not fun anymore. I cannot force myself to enjoy completely in anything because I have this hole in my heart that is too big and too empty and words hardly describe the impact he had on my life and his early and unfair death. It made me bitter and angry and lost and disconnected from the world. I often think of ending things for myself but I have major guilt of leaving people who know me behing wondering and also feeling helpless as I did, was there something I could've done to save my brother? I miss him too much and it is making me feel so lonely and hopeless. This feeling does not go away and people said to me that time heals all wounds but I just think that some are too great for a person to endure and the sorrow and the grief never really goes away ,you just learn to cover it better in front of others, just like my depression. Sometimes I think I will explode from all of this grief that I feel. Sometimes I think I will just die of sadness. 
I don't visit his grave. Rarely do. I don't understand why I don't do it. It feels pointless to me. I don't believe in heaven and God. But I believe in energy and the energy that he left behind was to strong and to of an impact on me that I could ever learn to go without. It only makes me want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I miss you my brother, and I hope I will dream of you smiling to me.