I've come to realize life is short and it can end so suddenly you may die with regrets. I know my time is not infinite but somehow I still care way too much.

I wish I could stay this way in public. Late night is wben I watch Ted Talks and philosophical videos and get in the nihilistic mood. But when out in public, my brain is hardwired into thinking people are staring at me and judging me. And the worst part is I actually care.

I'll admit it. I have a plethora of problems I think about on a daily basis. I have social anxiety, I am overly sensitive, I am paranoid, I am prone to overthinking, I get easily overstimulated in public and they all keep me awake at night. I know I can't stay this way forever unless I want to die.

I want all my problems to disappear. And the quickest way perhaps is to stop giving a fuck. I want to live my life and enjoy it to the fullest. But I can't. And it is honestly devastating. I've tried so much to just stop this, but honestly I don't seem to be making any progress.

No friends, too anxious to find those I can connect with. I struggle to be an adult on a daily basis. It would be all fine if I just stop fucking comparing myself to others. Why are others so happy? Why do I keep myself from being happy? Every time someone would approach me and ask if I am alright, I would anxiously reply yes and wonder how long will it take before they know I'm not who I look. I've had people told me I was so nice and all but truthfully speaking, I do not think I'm kind in the slightest. Why do people think people who are socially awkward are nice people? That's why I started taking the asshole approach and now no one thinks I'm nice anymore. I put on a resting bitch face and no one ever dares to approach me now. But again, that's not who I am either. But who even am I? I.. don't understand myself. I am not a nice, quiet, and awkward snob. I am not a grumpy asshole either. But when people have expectations of me, I feel obliged to meet them.

Does my anxiety push people away? Do my fake laughs cause others to feel uncomfortable? I am so much of a people-pleaser and so much of a nihilist at the same time that I have internal emotional conflict all the time. I would be faking my laughs and socializing for people in one minute and then turn completely quiet and blank the next. I remember this girl thought I was so chatty because the first time I met her I was in the people-pleaser mood, the next time she met me I wondered how much of a freak she thought I was because I didn't say a word nor laugh at her jokes. Am I a freak?

I hate to say it, but I think people hate me because of how unstable I am, my mood swings like a pendulum and I am constantly switching from bubbly to anxious mode. Sometimes I would be positive and hilarious and sometimes I just stop because my mind decides to go "Hey, man. Don't you think life is meaningless? You will die sooner or later, why even try?" I am not making this up. Every time I would be genuinely enjoying life, my brain just creeps in and decides to give me existensial dread. Like why? I am my own worst enemy.

Do people think I'm weird? I am too scared to ask. But I am positive they do. Everyone has given me the weird look and tried to stay away from me. There are way quieter kids in my class and they'te doing just fine. People feel comfortable around them. But me though? If given a choice between staying with me and someone else, chances are they'll run away with someone else. I feel like I'm too awkward to be around. If someone tries to break the ice by asking me how I'm doing or random shit, I would answer it in the most awkward way humanity has witnessed. At first I wouldn't think much of it because I've accepted that I'm not very socially proficient. But then at night, my overthinking brain starts sorting out shit I've messed up during the day and oh my god before I know it it's 2am.

I don't even know what's wrong with me. Most of the time, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish I could accept myself for being this way, but I can't help but think people are judging me and thinking I'm weird and that I may end up lonely forever. I want to speak, but I just fail every time I do, so might as well stop speaking. 

Sorry  for this unorganized wall of text, i gotta sleep