I know it's part of self sabotage. I just can't deal with reality sometimes. I need a break. I need out of my head that's going 1,000,000,000,000mph. I can't control my thoughts. They're everywhere and will tear anything and everything I care about or have apart. 

Panic attacks are the worst. Breathing techniques are out the fucking door. I focus on can't even do that right, nope too fast, way too slow you're holding your breath until I have a gaping hole in my chest like a Canon shot through me. 

I have not being in control of my own brain. I hate being stick in my own head and I find alcohol (I know it's not good to mix meds/benzos/muscle relaxers/sleeping pills with alcohol. I also smoke weed occasionally) I have limits on pills, alcohol limits, time range. I control what I think I can while doing what I shouldn't. 

I want every day to be if I die today would this have been a good day? Will I finally be out of my head enjoying what's around me? Will I finally be happy for a second?