I wish I could go back to how I felt two weeks ago. I was in a much better place. I was doing the same thing I had been doing several years. I was waching youtube videos, playing piano, doing yardwork, and feeling good about my humble life.

Then I went an had an existential crisis and talked to an old friend for the first time in years, listened to painfully emotional music, and turned into a puddle of filth again, and I can't go back to what I was before.

I thought it had to be done. I saw all the signs, felt all the feelings, carefully arranged all my thoughts. But all resulted in a major crash and destruction of all the progress I made keeping myself content with what little joy in life I had.

My confidence has dropped from undeservedly high to as low as it gets. I'm in pain and don't understand why. I want to end it but don't want to leave behind a messy room. All those feelings.

I'm mean, I'm lazy, I'm no fun, I'm no good for anyone but myself. I forgot all of these facts to keep myself balanced, but they all swung back in the wrong direction when I let my guard down. Now I have to try and rebuild the wall without any building materials.