for context, i guess i’ve always had the intense feelings, lingering paranoia, etc. but nothing has ever really made me “snap”, for lack of a better word. i’d always been able to shake myself back to reality before anything bad happened or before i went off the rails. i guess that would be considered “quiet” BPD?? idk.

to make a long story short, horribly messy break up in 2018 with a lot of complications including my ex coming with me during a week long medical procedure, lots of romantic limbo, etc. two fucked up people fucking each other up basically. well i finally removes myself from that cycle cause i couldn’t handle essentially just being belittled to a sex toy whenever my ex wanted attention. we are currently civil but definitely not on speaking terms to both of our benefit.

the problem: some of my close friends who were there for me during the breakup now hang out with my ex to play a game at least once a week. normally this would definitely hurt my feelings, but i could move past it. however i found out through someone else in another friend group mentioning it- aka my friends were actively hiding playing with my ex from me cause they knew it would hurt me. i blew up. i got really upset and i berated both of my friends for not telling me. we all got together as a group to talk about it and i felt like i got a lot of pushback from my friends. they got my ex’s “side” of the story which of course includes (what i believe to be, anyway) my first bpd signs. this of course includes me sending them excessive messages, being desperate, trying so hard for them to just talk to me, etc you all know the typical cycle. i know it was wrong and bad of me to do that and to say the things i said. i know that 100% and i have apologized to my ex idk how many times. i’ve never denied hurting them or being out of control, however THEY have continuously denied or otherwise omitted their hand in it. they paint me out like i was this horrible crazy bitch who just snapped out of the blue, leaving out that they are the ones who had been belittling me, ignoring me, lying to/about me, telling me my feelings weren’t valid cause we weren’t technically dating anymore, telling me to just “give up any hope” of us being together. then of course three months of silence later they come back to request we work on our relationship cause they wanted to be together again? hell no. you put me through absolute hell and now that YOURE feeling better i should reopen myself to you? no.

my friends essentially are equalizing my ex and i’s hurt which i think is just total bullshit. yes, we both hurt each other. but our hurts are not at all on the same level. i stressed them out for a few months and then eventually rejected them because i couldn’t stomach them leaving me a 7th time. they were hurt by that. however the almost entire year of emotional and mental turmoil, them keeping me strung along so they could cum on me when they were lonely cause they knew i wouldn’t ever say no to them, the romantic limbo that THEY kept alive until they got bored with me, and the lying and painting me as the total villain while leaving out key factors of their own responsibility just make our hurts not at all equal. i was treated poorly, and i reacted to being treated poorly.

anyway, i got very upset with my friends and blew up on them. am i proud of it? no. i was an asshole. i was upset and was going straight off the cuff with my feelings and i shouldn’t have. i should’ve taken time to think about it before bombarding them with questions. it kept getting boiled down to me not being “over” my ex, when really what i was upset about is my friends choosing to play with my ex and then choosing to hide it from me. now i’m upset because i feel like they had one conversation with my ex and now they suddenly think they know better because they have “all sides” as if my ex didn’t water it down and omit their own actions. i feel like my feelings and my trauma from this relationship is being invalidated because of how i reacted to that trauma and those feelings.

my two friend groups are falling apart because of this. my fwb ended up getting contacted and berated about it too for some reason so now that’s falling apart and that is one of my absolute closest friends and that is really hurting me. i know logically people who treat you like this are not really your friends.. but i don’t want these people to not be my friends. i love them all so much and have for years. this is the first and only time they have ever seen me like this in the 6+ years we’ve been friends. hell, this is the first time i’ve seen MYSELF like this. i’m in therapy and i am painfully self aware. i’m trying so hard to get a grip on my brain and feel like myself again but i feel like i’m losing some big parts of myself in losing these friendships. i know they’re not totally over but i just know i’m going to be treated differently, talked to differently, i’m already being actively avoided by people who i used to be able to talk to about anything anytime. now it all just feels so weird and bad and bleak but i can’t talk to any of them about it because they all need space from me. and i get that. i just hate myself and my brain so much i literally ruin everything and idk what to do or say to help any of it.