Idk if I can reach out to anybody without feeling ashamed anymore. Seems like no matter how much I try to be normal, I always mess things up whenever I open my mouth, or whenever I press send. I just graduated uni and I'm turning 27 next week. Friendships have always been difficult even before Covid, but I’ve noticed my social faculties slipping away from me each passing year. Tripping over my own thoughts -barely able to look at people in the eye. Each instance of faulty programming is essentially another marble rolling around upstairs. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm undiagnosed on the spectrum at this point. The only thing a therapist has ever been good for was telling me what I already know, but I still can’t apply that knowledge when it matters. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore. No matter who I try to explain it to they're just bewildered, or make the tired suggestion of "working on yourself". I mean, it's heavy shit and I don't blame them, but if they only knew how long I've tried. I can’t stand all this self-love bullshit that only serves to validate self-absorbed narcissists who’ve become desensitized to their own out of touch behaviour. It seems like the only way to cope is to either fall in line or to rot in my own escapism. I fucked everything up all because I fell hard for somebody a long time ago, and I pushed them away because I didn’t know how to handle it. Years of opportunities and friendships wasted because of a broken heart. I didn’t know how to just walk away and move on. I don't wanna just be happy, I wanted to make others happy, as cheesy as it sounds. I just wanna know what it's like to have just one friend that you can truly count on. My shame has become my entire identity. I’m lost, alone, and I’m just so tired.