This afternoon at work, I was told that due to funding cuts my position is going to be terminated in the new year. I was told that it's not because of anything I could've done differently, but because I'm a foreign worker (in the UK) and they couldn't justify continuing to sponsor my employment visa. 

So on top of the shock of impending unemployment, I'm also about to be forced to pack up my life and leave the country. 

This is pulling the rug out from under what little stability I'd managed to build. Suddenly everything is uncertain, unclear and I don't even know what to think, let alone do.

This job was one of the few things in my life I was actually proud of - the fact I'd managed to start a new life, in a new country. I knew when I came here it'd be a challenge to get employment - precisely because of the visa issue - and I could barely believe it when I got an offer.

Turns out, it was too good to be true.

So after more than a year of work, of trying to make something of myself...it just feels like it was all for nothing. 

I always knew this was a possibility, but after a year I'd started getting comfortable. They seemed to be happy with my work, I was on long-term projects lasting well into 2020. 

I started to let myself get comfortable, I started to feel safe. 

Now it's like an illusion has been shattered. Nothing feels worth the effort. 

Why bother trying if I can never get anywhere?

I don't know if I'm catastrophizing, if I'm still in shock or...whatever. Right now I just feel like nothing's real, like this is a bad dream and I so desperately wish it wasn't real.

How would a normal person react in this situation? I can't imagine it'd be easy for anyone, but I'm just in such a state I don't even know how to process. I don't even know who to talk to, there's nothing anyone can do to make this situation better.

It's like my problems never get easier, I just get new, more difficult ones added into the mix to make me feel like the ones I was dealing with before were actually easier. It's easier to deal with just feeling like I'm mad than feeling like I'm mad, and unwanted, and in a whole new world of instability and pain.

I am so tired.