I had a very turbulent and chaotic childhood with so much drama it was like my life was a shitty soap opera. I also felt very abandoned and iced out by my mother at times in my life. She had first left me high and dry when I was a baby. She left my father for another man and before she left, she handed me off to my grandmother and took off. Came back a few weeks later and didn’t see me that entire time. Then throughout my childhood she was very distant from me. She wouldn’t talk much to me, she’d shut herself off away from me, so all I could really do was play on the computer on websites with chats because that was my only real form of communication besides the one friend I had throughout elementary school and when my dad would come home after working. If I asked my mom anything or for anything, she would snap at me as if I was just some big bother to her. She also had slapped me across the face so hard that I fell over when I didn’t want her to brush my hair as a child because it would hurt and then told me as a 7 or 8 year old little girl that if I told anyone “I wouldn’t have a mommy anymore.” Then my mom left again when I was 10 with another guy and took me with her, but made it so I couldn’t contact my dad or grandparents until my uncle and aunt finally got custody of me while my parents were in court. I got passed around a lot and my mom wouldn’t speak to me until it was her weekend every other weekend and she acted more like a teenager than my mom so I felt like I had no stable mother figure. For almost an entire year when I was 14, she really didn’t speak to me at all. 

My father wasn’t entirely innocent either, he’s been hyper critical, controlling, and dismissive of my opinions often throughout life and has an issue with anger. He was definitely more reliable than mom though. They would both tell me things they weren’t supposed to about the other while in court to influence or sway me to their side. So much so I began to question my own perception of what the entire situation had been. I have trauma from abusive relationships starting at 15 too but I’m unsure if that’s too late to be considered a factor and if I already would have developed it by that point. Just want to look into the possible root of the problem because I can’t pinpoint it exactly.