So, Aside from blowing up a 4 year relationship in my mania, the lows have been what has predominantly stifled my life, (I can even attribute the source of that end of one of my Luv’s to her perceived laziness of me) But the lows are the foundation which has formulated all types of bad habits that turned into coping mechanisms. I call them my endorphin buttons. I am Definitely not lazy, the mania brings out my ambition for sure but the long crash after acts like a reset for it all. I was diagnosed Bi-Polar in my late 20’s and I’m lucky that my career up till now is extremely flexible and I networked myself and put myself in a position to succeed, and yet I haven’t. Financially I’m pretty far back, my goals haven’t been reached and I just keep procrastinating. even as a write this I’m procrastinating. I’ll admit I lost all my ambition for a few years when I was diagnosed. I could at least put a “why” behind my patterns. So I figured, “fuck it” I know my tendencies just let it all go for a while and be ok with existing and figure out how to deal with my being. Fast forward after a few years. Medication took away the constant brain fog till 3pm and I started to feel like I wanted to put more on my plate only this time I knew not to put it all on myself. I got better at “mentally” delegating. 
Basically I knew who I could bring on board to help me out instead of wanting to do everything myself like the perfectionist my head wants. 

So many services exist to streamline process and I’m all about finding ways to “Min-Max”.

2020 was actually a huge gift in time for me that felt squandered. So many ppl I knew were out of work and thirsty for a project and I had it all in my head ready to make my project happen…

And I didn’t. 

I figured I had way more time and got lost in bad habits instead. I recently looked up different types of procrastination and I do all of them. It sucks. I tell myself I’m about to do something and I don’t do it. It gets put off to the next day a week later I’ve lost all time from that week and I go wtf I was doing something that someone on YouTube set up in 5 hours and I’m not even done, 1 and a half months later. I don’t even have a 9-5 job right now. I literally take work when I want and can actually make a live able wage working half as much as most ppl partly because I’ve avoided all responsibilities in my life. I could get a normal job but It would only be for a routine and I kind of think it’s a dumb way to go about it when I can just pick up more work in my field. I’ve left 3 consecutive places because family and friends enabled me to get away from even more responsibilities. Or at least that was my reasoning for a little while. (Side note: seriously I thank my lucky stars and am blessed by the grace of fucking god for these people and I am grateful, I’d rather pick up a spare bedroom and cover ppls bills then pay some asshole or management company a fucking dime, just clean up after yourself and make dinner for ppl and “most” is forgiven) but I’ve squandered my time and it’s embarrassing. I don’t know where my life has gone. Granted I have some awesome stories and have lived a life so far that when I am not in this hole is pretty rad and I want to be that person all the time. But like what the fuck man. This procrastination shit is like the bane of my existence. It’s eaten up so much of my life that the weeks that went by weren’t weeks, they were months that added up into years.  Literally when I sit down anything that agitates me more than 30mins I walk away and don’t pick it up for another 3 hours come back it pisses me off for 10 minutes and I leave it for a day only to find out after someone shows me that I was uploading a file in the wrong spot, or  changed a setting by mistake that fucks with an entire process. Also it takes me longer to do regular tasks even when I am focused. 

Last month I procrastinated so bad that the thing I’m going to do today I start at 1am and had to pass out at 7am the next day. It’s like I decided to give up on that day but change time zones in my sleep schedule to be ahead the next day. My sleep schedule was fucked for 3 weeks. 

Sleep is one of if not the most important thing to do. Way to go me. 

I’ve heard everything too. You need a schedule, remove distractions, eat healthy, work out. I fucking tell ppl this and yet it’s so fucking hard to stay consistent with it. I swear I fucking try and I still am trying. (Enter Yoda telling me there is no try only do or do not. little green Grover motherfucker)  God fucking help me if I have some random idiot hear me vent and say “just take it easy” because that’s
Alcohol of my addiction, thanks Guy.  I’m not giving up but fuck me, WHY CAN’T I JUST FINISH like so many others I know who can grind till it’s done. I hate these fucking lows. They tap me the fuck out when I get into routines. Now, here I am staring at squandered resources forced to make hard decisions I wouldn’t have to had I just fucking finished 1 or 2 of the projects that would have got me just so much farther. I wouldn’t even be so angry right now if they failed, at least they’d be done. Hell I know I could even be a fucking millionaire. Although I’d stop at figuring out the formula for 6 figures doing the bare minimum and continue my life’s goal of being my own version of Indiana Jones. Don’t get me wrong. In my mind if I needed to grind 6 years of my life to get there in the 1st place I would or at least would have mentally. But guess what 10 years went by,…well fuck me sideways and those “new” health problems ppl bitch about when they aren’t in their 20’s anymore. 

Everyday is a new day, recognize your faults and mitigate the procrastination, avoid my pitfalls. The minimum is good enough compared to putting it off till never because perfection is the enemy progress. And with the bare minimum At least then there is something to come back to. 

Get into “the routine” and when it falls apart. Eat it and do it again. What else?? See someone so they can tell me what I embarrassingly already know. Fuck these lows and the shit habits they helped me cultivate. I’m actually at a point to where I feel like I need to take extreme measures to break this shit. Oh yeah, don’t berate yourself kids. It doesn’t help. 

Look, I know it’s doable. I won’t give up. Literally I think I need to hold myself at gunpoint. 

TL/DR

I’m venting. Lows are a breeding grounds for bad habits, I’m recognizing how terribly bad they are later on in my life. Find anyway you can to mitigate them.  They keep popping up even when I’m in good routines and I let them win. Easy Dopamine is one helluva drug. No, I don’t give up and that isn’t supposed to be some inspirational bullshit. It just means I’m stubborn. 

Also please Don’t feel sorry for my bad habits literally I’m a grown ass stubborn man just making bad choices of inaction at this point in my life to where I’m dealing with consequences of my own doing. I’m literally on a journey at this point to find as many dopamine detox methods as I can and hope that acts as a reset and not a purge to the binge.  

Thanks for 10 mins of your eyes. 

Godspeed motherfuckers. 

And Oops another 4 hours…tick…