I feel bad. But I’m exhausted. I’m basically incapable of love because of my own problems and friend is *interested* in me and I’ve become a favourite person. Problem is, I’m still trying to recover and stay stable. I’m extremely maladaptive with dpdr etc and realising now how bad my mental health really is. 

No one here is *interested* in them, but because of abuse we’ve been conditioned to agree to everything. And I can’t physically talk because of the past abuse, so I’m agreeing to things and just letting things happen. I’m not mentally stable enough to be more than friends with them, and I feel awful for them. Protector parts are not having a good time and we are in a contrasting predicament. I wish I could be friends with them. Im just too ill to have friends. I really don’t want them to see this as me abandoning them, I just can’t be intimate and am basically a grey wall to everyone. For safety reasons. 

When I’m having flashbacks and dissociative issues they have an emotional change to self blaming and being worried everyone hates them. So I’m just kind of badly dissociating not being able to help them with that and bad tics, while I’m having problems. They don’t know I have this problem, I’m afraid. I know tomorrow he will tell them and that’s concerning, but he’s good at talking. My whole reality feels shifted and I’m worried about psychosis again. And the alcohol increase again. I don’t know. Sorry.