I'm not even sure where to start. My life has gone up in flames and it feels like there is nothing I can do to put out the fire. All I have ever wanted since I was 10 is to feel a sense of stability and peace. Instead, my life is chaos at 28, I feel like my mind is broken, I feel paralyzed because I don't know what to do, and I feel like a complete failure. I already suffered with depression and anxiety before shit hit the fan recently, but now it's so much worse. 

When I was young, I lived with an alcoholic mother and aunt, along with my dad who was my rock, but he had to work a lot and would be gone for weeks at a time, leaving me alone with them. I absolutely loved them, but when they were inebriated, they would turn into people I didn't even recognize. Over the years, their alcoholism would get worse and I would have constant anxiety, always checking to make sure they were still breathing and taking care of them when I got back from school. There would be abuse at times while they were drunk (mostly verbal and emotional, and only physical a couple of times) and they wouldn't even know what happened the next morning. Then the worst happened, my aunt passed away suddenly in the house from cirrhosis. My mom passed away 6 months later when I was 17. I've lost some other people very close to me over the years and I have a huge fear of losing more people. I have a fear of abandonment and I have constant anxiety every single day that something bad is going to happen. 

I have tried my best to heal and to do better in my life since then. I did well in school, went to a top college, worked, and then just got my master's. But even then, no matter how hard I've worked or tried to make my life better and gain stability, it feels like it will never happen. Life keeps throwing me back down. 

My dad, who used to be my rock, just imploded our lives. I know he's been depressed for the past couple of years, but it wasn't until recently that I found out how bad things have gotten. I live at home with him (it used to be just me taking care of the house while he lived with his partner until last year) and I knew there was something he wasn't telling me. He used to have a business that he did well at and made him a lot of money and he a lot of savings, but when COVID hit, he had to close it down, so that's gone. Then he started gambling. At first, he was doing well and actually won 100k. So I thought things were fine. Turns out, they weren't. 

I knew there was a problem when he started to ask to borrow money that he said he would pay me back for. I trusted him and helped him out because he's always been good for his word. Then he started to take money from me without asking. We had a shared bank account with multiple accounts because of the past business and I have always trusted him, so I didn't have my own personal account. I have one now. He owes me $11,000. Then he just told me that he's in a lot of trouble. He's in an incredible amount of debt. He owes roughly around $36,000 in credit card debt and he drew $94,000 on the home line equity of credit on the house (which was completely paid off). To top it off, he's been doing coke (which he stopped a few weeks ago) and partying since he lost his business. He told me that he's been extremely depressed and he wanted to drown it out in any way he could. 

As for me, I just graduated in May and now I'm about to start a new job, that I hope works out. I have my own debt to pay for, which is student loans that total $38,000. I was going to use that $11,000 to make a payment on it, but I no longer have that. I have no one to talk to and I feel so overwhelmed and isolated. I am scared of losing my dad and it feels like that is the route it's going down. I'm so angry at him, but I also love him and it feels like I'm trying to rack my brain for a solution to get us out of this mess. I realize that it's a problem he created for himself, but I'm not going to abandon him. Plus, we can't lose the house. I also need this job to start soon, so I can have some funds to pay for things, since I only have some money left. I'm also trying to balance all of this with my long-distance relationship that we are trying to work on closing. I also no longer really speak to my best friend since she got into a relationship, so I feel very alone. 

The same feelings of instability and anxiety I felt when I was young and trying to care for my mom and aunt have returned in full force. I was already depressed before finding out all the stuff with my dad, but this just has amplified it to a degree that makes me want to give up. I feel like I have no one in my life that I can depend on. The one person that I thought was my rock and would be there for me completely turned our lives upside down. 

I feel like I don't have the solution to anything anymore. I'm tired of feeling in a dark pit and having constant anxiety every single day. I'm tired of worrying about when the next bad thing is going to happen. I'm tired of putting out fires, only for more to pop up. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I've never gone a day in my life since I was 10 without feeling constantly on edge. I feel like I'm not meant to have good things happen to me or to have a good life.  I'm exhausted and it feels like my only solution out of this hell is to just end it.