my boyfriend and I are having problems and I can't handle it so i've been cheating on him and want him to break up but i WON'T break up with him ever. he has to do it. i want him to but i can't tell him to. I want to ghost him. I don't want him to be angry. I want him to disappear forever and stop being in my life.   

I got with this girl and she's so sweet, I forgot people can be sweet. She's all i've been thinking about. It's making me hate my boyfriend even more because I have to go back to our horrible relationship and pretend I love him. I pretend so hard. I still pretend to be affectionate. I hate him with all my heart. The girl tried to kill herself and is in the hospital. everything is a mess now idk what to do. How do I break up with my boyfriend? I'm so afraid to do it. i'm diagnosed hpd and bpd 😷 help ty