I don't know how to describe it, ive been like this for years now but I'm at my lowest, I'm about to be 17 in 2 more weeks, I just broke up with my bf and it's summer time I should be having fun, smoking, drinking, dancing at parties, but I don't want it at all, all I want is the person who makes me feel safe to be next to me again, I'm in a room drunk and I'm not having fun, I feel claustrophobic, sick to my stomach, wanting to get away, these random guys try to pull me away and I refuse to dance, my friends are all having fun twerking on people and I feel awkward knowing some of my friends are just pretending to like us and bare with us because I have money, my bestfriend hanging out with me cause I can spend some money on weed and drinks and food, or maybe cause I could buy her a cart too, with him it's not like that at all, our relationship was never transactional, everything I did and he did was out of love, sucks to be away from the person whos the only one who makes you feel loved unconditionally, my heart aches and the liquor pours on through out the night but all I wanna do is get away and wake up from it like it's a bad dream, but then I wake up and realize it's not, idk what's wrong with me, I feel like I have to numb how I feel for everyone all the time to make them happy and keep going on even though I'm not okay, if I tell anyone how I feel it just makes things worse for me at home, so for now I just pretend my spacing out ad lack of interest in anything is normal, I'm fine like I always am