For some reason I want to be close to somebody but when they get too close I’ll find myself deliberately but at the same time reluctantly pushing them away. I have told women I was gay when I’m not, that I’m racist when I’m not, that I hate them when I don’t, and just basically plowed through any close relationship I have had, particularly with women. At my worst I was banging 12 different women a year and my stupid brain would tell me ‘no, they won’t love you, you aren’t worth their time’ and I would just push them away. I got a bad reputation as people assume I had bad intentions but I didn’t at all, anyone I had sex with I genuinely wanted a relationship with and cared for, but then screwed it up immediately and deliberately but not out of a genuine want to, almost as reflex, if that makes sense. Anyone else ever done this?