As the title states, I am completely ruined. I remember I used to be so different… Although I struggled with BPD there were the occasional bouts of rage and acting up, but now it’s like everything is multiplied by 10. The depression, anxiety, crippling loneliness, agitation, rage… it’s ruined me. I often think about just ending it, but oh wait! I can’t. Because I also don’t want to die. I’m just stuck on this middle ground. Everything seems like it’s fallen apart, and I’ve pushed everyone away... including my cat I think. I took Zoloft for awhile, but I was still depressed so what the hell is the point? I know I only get one life, but I find myself anticipating the end, and at the same token not wanting it. I want to live. Just not with this stupid fucking condition. Why, God? Like why me? Why anyone? This shit is horrible. I feel like I would be an amazing person without BPD- not that I’m horrible, but there are so many limiting factors. I’m in DBT, but I can’t retain the information, I have a horrible memory. I’m always getting carried away by my thoughts. I suck at applying my skills. I just want to leave everything behind, like move somewhere obscure and start fresh… but I know I can’t do that because then I’ll regret it and think of my brand new little baby and hate all of my decisions. I am so lost.. I’m sorry guys, I just needed to vent. I know you all are struggling to, but it does feel a little better being able to get things off of my chest. Thanks for reading.