sometimes i truly believe that the people who love me actually hate me. it scares me and i get into this delusional state where i truly believe that nothing i say or do matters. i think they want me out of their life. so i push them away. when i believe they've confirmed my abandonment fears i lash out at them because i think they've been deceiving me this whole time. i say horrible things.

this has happened so many times. i'm almost always wrong but i'm scared i'm going to be right.

but i feel so terrible. when i was a kid nothing i said or did was enough to defend me or improve my life or get others to see me as anything more than invisible. a pervasive sense of learned helplessness was instilled within me.

i have a hard time grasping the fact that my existence means anything to anyone. that there are people out there who AREN'T conspiring against me, lying to me for years. that my actions do have consequences because people DO care about me.

in the moment it feels justified. but it never is. i recently ruined my most important relationship this way. i feel terrible. i'm not sure what to do. i'm going back to therapy soon but i'm on a waitlist.

there is no malice in my heart. i just want to keep myself safe. but it turns me into a monster.