It's been years now. We first met online and dated when we were 14. She broke up with me. It was my first bpd episode. We stayed best friends long distance, now we're 23. She's bipolar, and over the years, we've made multiple attempts to date, each time, she breaks up with me within two weeks. I'm always broken.

Earlier this year we spent an amazing five days together. It was heaven. I planned everything, but I didn't kiss her like I told myself I would, and I regret it.

After the trip we started dating. This time, she confessed to me, she called me up and told me she wanted to spent the rest of her life with me. That it was me and her against the world. We started dating and I broke her heart. I said something about polyamory I shouldn't have out of carelessness and insecurity, and after some discussion, she ended it. That was months ago.

I surpressed the pain. This time it was particularly painful. It was my fault. Three days ago I asked if I could come see her. She didn't sound happy. She said yes, but she said she didn't know if it was a good thing. She wanted to know why I wanted to see her.

I called and confessed my feeling to her. Everything. How being away from her killed me. How I'd do anything to be with her. She needed time to think. Today, she said we can't be together.

She talked about how she just wanted to heal from all this, how love isn't like the movies. (If you've seen Euphoria, we are probably a 1:1 of Rue and Jules. Me being Jules). How she appreciates the honesty but how she wants to protect herself. 

I feel like a disease. Like something to be held at arms length. I love her so much. She's my one person on earth. I feel like a part of me somehow has to figure out how hate her, so I don't get hurt like this. But i can't hate her. I told her I've been in love with her since I was 14. and it's the truth. I can't be mad at her for wanting to protect herself, but I can't keep doing this. I give it my all, I finally said everything in my head, and this. Its always like this. shes my best friend. 

i cant leave her, i cant hate her. im just so embarrassed. i feel likei feel too much for this world. maybe we'd both be better off if she just left me already

she said we can still be friends. what do i do now? i love her beyong romance and words. And I want a healthy relationship, friendship, how do i do that without crmpling under all my emotions? sorry for any typos.