Every single day is hard. The holidays have just been heartbreaking for me.

I used to love the winter and holiday season, but in recent years I’ve experienced so much heartache and devastating family revelations. This season, my ex of three years (who I was still in love with and good friends with) finally got into a new relationship. While I’m happy for them, it just made me see how I was still in a cycle of waiting to get someone’s love back and I kept myself stagnant for others all my life, that’s not fair to me. I let myself give so much away in the hopes of even a little scoop of love and it never did me any good to do that. 

I cried and I cried and I cried until I became all cried out. Now I just feel sad, anxious and unaware of how this part of my life is going to play out for me. 

I haven’t journaled much but I have been writing emails to my therapist and I did a small piece of artwork about self love that they told me to do. I went coffee free. I learned many ugly patterns and cycles I’ve been putting myself through because of the need to be loved and desired by anymore. I get up and go to work even on the days I didn’t feel like I could. I reached out to my older sister and spent time with my baby niece. I forced myself to go to a movie… but How sad is it, though, that I don’t know what self-love means to me? Or even live in general? Why am I so against self-love? 

I’m always waiting for someone to come and rescue me. I’ve spent every day writing out posts for friendship on here and I feel pathetic because I know it hasn’t been working out for me in a while and I’m only running away from being on my own and learning to sit with this pain and the unknown. 

Fortnite is a game I once loved so much but because it’s something I played with my ex (it was our thing) I can’t bring myself to do it and I set my account up for deletion. And it doesn’t help that’s how they met their recent partner so it feels like a deep dark cave I don’t wish to go around anymore and even film — my absolute source of comfort and a second form of therapy — I cannot touch cause I think about how they’re enjoying film with their new person. 

I don’t have very many friends. No romantic prospect on the horizon. There’s many issues I need to work through before I can even bring myself out into the real world again and I’m terrified of ringing in the new year alone.

Three years is the longest I’ve ever been single to be honest. Since I was 9. I also have ADHD and I don’t know what I’m doing with myself but I know I need to rescue myself somehow. I have a concert tonight and I don’t feel like going but I think maybe it will help. I don’t know. 

I KNOW the key here is learning how to rescue myself and being alone and … loving myself… but where in the heck do I begin there? The closest I’ve come to an answer about self love is the song yellow by Coldplay… strangely enough, yellow has become my favorite color and I consider it a healing color of mine as I work through BPD issues. 

I could use advice, encouragement… how did you get yourself out of the hard place when it hurt to do so?