i had an attempt last year mostly related to covid fucking me up and body image issues, and then this year i was too depressed and socially anxious to step foot in school at all. it seriously messed my family up as my sibling went through the exact same thing with school. 

it was absolute hell, for about a month i felt relieved from the lack of social interaction. But then began to binge and purge, making me hate myself more and more. In July i developed anorexia, which was followed by multiple hospital visits.

It was weird, a lot of the girls had really big life goals and stuff, and all i knew is that i wanted to kill myself one day. It sort of motivated me to start studying again and continue school , but that did not last long.

Youth services is offering free therapy to help with my anxiety and depression (other shit too) but i cant talk to them, every time ive tried i end up not knowing the full truth and i feel like what i really want to say never come out. I just dont know what i even want to do with my life.

Tonight i was too much of a coward to hang myself. Its selfish of me to think that the stress ive put on my family will reduce if i died, it would probably be more, but i just cant take it anymore. I cant undo any of my problems and i just cant stop hurting others in the process of harming myself. It just seems like the easier way out of this shit life.