I noticed earlier that my best mate had changed his pronouns in his twitter bio and immediately felt like I’d been kicked in the chest.

Immediately just need to clarify - no, I’m not a bigot. No, I haven’t got any actual problem with this. He’s entitled to do what he likes and is entirely valid for doing so. Genuinely.

It was a visceral reaction before I’d even had the chance to form a thought in my brain about it. This sort of acute sharp panic in my heart, the same sort I’d feel if I saw that a close friend had blocked me or something like that. Just pure helpless panic/dread.

And after thinking ‘why the fuck have I had this response to something completely harmless that I’ve not got a problem with??’ for about ten minutes, I’ve realised this - I think it’s genuinely because my warped BPD brain went ‘ooh, he can’t consider you to be THAT close of a friend of his if he’s not even told you about this lol.
 
It is so frustrating how out of control and panicked and just miserable this shitty disorder makes me feel. It makes me think illogically and yet despite KNOWING it’s illogical I feel unable to stop myself responding unnecessarily regardless. 

I hate this and I hate feeling like this and now I can’t stop fixating on this thought that I’m just making up excuses for the feeling and am in actuality just a horrible person.

I don’t know what to do.