For context, I am a 22 year old college senior. I am currently applying to grad schools and despite being a 1.9 GPA student in high school, I've been fairly successful in college (I have gotten 4.0's for the last 4 semesters).

I've always had depression and anxiety, been medicated for it since middle school. Something that sucks, takes up so much of my day to day life, but something that I live with. I am not a super capable person because of the severity of this, I depend on my family a lot. But even so, I have lived on campus (COVID permitting) since freshman year and survived just fine. Last semester however I did start losing hair, and I suspect it's from the stress and misery of maintaining my 4.0. I don't have a single friend on campus, not one. I'm extremely shy and socially anxious. So I go about my day to day life with no social interaction outside of Facetime calls with long distance friends or my partner. That is the extent of it. I think the loneliness of this is also getting to me. (I am also worried new roommates may complain about the Facetime noise - cutting off that one lifeline).

Last month my long distance partner of 6 years was finally able to come visit the US again for the first time since COVID. She stayed with me in parents house for a full month, from the last day of my finals until the day I moved back into my dorm on campus last weekend. While she was here life was amazing, I love Christmas, I love her, it was something straight out of a movie. There were moments when I felt myself getting blue, but she pulled me out of them. It was the greatest month of my life, no joke.

Since being back on campus I have cried every night. The sun goes down and I just lay in my bed and weep. I wish to go home, I wish to go back in time to my break so I can be happy again, I wish to be anywhere but here. The thought of having to do this all over again makes me want to scream. I want to go home. I want my parents and my dog and my bed.

I would go home and go online but I have one single required class that I need to stay on campus for. Just one stupid class (that I don't even like). I also don't want to disappoint my parents. I know I am an adult and I need to do this, I have been doing it for three years! But I am worried I have reached my breaking point. I don't know if I can take it. How can I survive like this? I have never felt depression this bad. It genuinely feels like grief. Like I'm mourning that brief moment where for once I was actually happy. I'm miserable. I will die from this. What can I do?