Sort of a vent. But I also need support.

My mom (F55+)was hospitalized a few days ago. 

Our relationship is very, very poor and we do not speak. That’s a whole other story.
I still very much love her, but I also don’t view her as a mom anymore. I have had to live through a lot in the last few years without her love. Some would call what she did neglect. I used to love her differently than I do now. But after her abandoning me (realistically, not BPD talking) throughout my suicide attempt, drug addiction and eating disorder, she lost a big spot in my heart. 

Despite this, I would be beyond broken if her condition got worse (she’s been sick for years now) or if, god forbid, she passed. 

I honestly think I would relapse, or contemplate suicide. I would be torn if she passed before we got the chance to really reconnect (though I’ve tried for some time now and for my own health and sanity I’ve put my efforts to rest). 

Now for my boyfriend, who, to my dismay, is my FP. 

I can’t even go into the situation that happened today. I’m sorry for not giving details but what I found out was a 10/10 on the trigger scale. I think you can understand why I can’t type it out.

My hands were shaking, my breathing was rapid and my heart was fast. 
I just felt completely disrespected by him. I’ve gone through a lot for us because I absolutely adore him and love him. But my trust in him is gone again.

And the worst part about him?

He won’t try to fix it or apologize. He won’t feel the need to build any trust back. It falls on me.

He lacks empathy, compassion and reassurance when the going gets tough. Which drives me insane and makes me feel so alone. 

Just want to have a good day tomorrow but I can’t even sleep with these things on my mind. It’s 12:16 AM and I am sure I will be up for hours.