I wanted to kill myself a few months back. REALLY kill myself, not just not exist, but I stayed because of that whole 'it gets better' thing.  Now It just seems meaningless

All of the things that used to really bother me, how I looked, how other people treated me, how smart I am. None of it matters, I just don't care

At a point, I think I gave up on myself, gave up on waiting for help. Accepted the abuse and stopped trying. I thought that I'd get up and leave and be happy but now it just seems like a waste of time.

I'm not cut out for that life. Not pretty, smart or driven enough. I hate that but I know I can't change it. I just feel like I'm worth nothing and like this is as far as my story goes and that I'll be left as some nobody, and for the first time I'm okay with that.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I don't care about it much but for some reason, I keep hoping that I'm wrong and help will come. I just want all of this to end. I'm scared it never will. Is this hell? Did I die that time I attempted? What's going on? Why are things like this? I don't like being stunned confused. I hate it.