I’m three weeks sober. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression in my first year of college. My father is mostly absent and my mom is my life long bully. She gets unreasonably angry over little things and then says whatever she knows will put you down. Most of my insecurities were bred at home. I try really really hard to not take it personally because she’s had a very difficult life, but she and I have gotten into physical alterations over some of the shit she says. I don’t visit home for long periods of time, and when I do, I can’t stay at my moms. Because of the pandemic, I didn’t feel comfortable staying with non family so when I visited I decided to just crash on mom’s couch, thinking I’d only be here until the new year and it was NBD. 

A few days ago, my mom and sister got into a fight. My mom kicked in my sisters door, breaking door frame and terrorizing everyone in the house. I begged her not to kick the door down but she pushed me aside and insisted on doing it. I yelled at her because I don’t like seeing my sibling bullied. We had a whole screaming match and then we went to separate rooms to cool down. She then dropped my sister off at my dads house, because she felt like she could “choke her”. The fight was over something stupid but my mom, obviously, has anger issues and blew everything out of proportion. 

As a symptom of my PTSD, I really fucking hate yelling - being yelled at, hearing others yell, having to yell myself, all of these things are triggering. I really wanted to go to a protest in my city this past summer, but couldn’t even bear to leave the house when I heard the shouting. However, I have a few years of therapy under my belt and felt brave enough to try and have an adult conversation about it. As we were on the highway driving away from my dads place, I told my mom that she has fucking issues and should go to therapy. She didn’t respond well and called a family friend. They both ganged up on me, called me disrespectful and rude. I snapped and told my mom that she makes me feel like shit and that I’m on all these pills and going to therapy five times a month because she doesn’t know how to communicate or parent effectively. As this is happening, she becomes more and more irate and begins taking her hands off the steering wheel. While we’re on the highway, surrounded by cars. 

She’s yelling and screaming and accusing me all while the car drifts in and out of the lane because she’s literally not even touching the steering wheel, not even with her legs, all while driving 70-80 mph. I feel a panic attack coming on so i stop responding and just try and chill out. I could’ve vomited, but I don’t really eat anything around her lest she bully me and eating also makes me anxious, so i was just dry heaving. Something in the back of my head was like “god I wish she would just crash into the median, I’d feel a lot safer” and some other, more suicidal things I won’t bring up. I start pulling out my eyebrows which i haven’t done since high school. And then my hands go numb like i can’t feel anything at all except a stinging sensation when i open and close my hands. I start to panic more and punch my self in the legs and face, trying to regain feeling. And I can feel more of my body getting numb. I didn’t know what to think or do. Going numb made me more panicked than i’ve ever been. I began sobbing and hyperventilating. Mom rolled her eyes and told our family friend that i was being “hysterical”.

Since the attack, I’ve explained to my mom that her crazy driving gave me a panic attack and, for that reason, I’m returning to my own home because being around her is bad for my mental health. She completely refused to take responsibility and straight up said she’s the safest driver I know (she and I have been in five car accidents together, so that’s laughable). She then began to buy me lots of random gifts and food and even offered to buy me an emotional support animal. I then realized she was just trying to emotionally manipulate me into staying. The mother I used to have sympathy despite our differences for has no sympathy for me and the only way I know how to deal with this is by running away from it. I’m very sad because i’ll miss my siblings but staying here is testing me in a way that’s jeopardizing my sobriety and mental health. 

TLDR: my mom is a bully who won’t take responsibility for the effect she has in my mental health, so I have to leave and miss out on family time to avoid interactions with her that could jeopardize my mental health and sobriety