Pretentious title I know. Super paranoid about talking to people, even behind a throwaway.

I have been borderline and Bipolar II for 6.5 years (whole adult life). Three years of gradually spiraling into depression, manipulativeness, self-hatred, etc, etc. Suspended from college for grade reasons. Only a close friend abandoned me because I was such a narcissistic manipulative asshole.

Self-diagnosed as videogame/internet addiction. Built a massive data-tracking software to measure my healthy and unhealthy coping habits. The situation steadily improved. I went back to college and got good grades. Was intensely obsessed with the aforementioned close friend, and manipulated social circumstances to "get them back". As I got healthier I became increasingly megalomaniac, and developed a vaguely cult-like circle of friends. I developed my first romantic relationship, which was carefully designed to be safe but also consequence-free if I slipped back into my bad habits.

Got my friend back. I gradually manipulated them to trust me again. Success pushed me into a hard and long-lasting hypomanic episode. Briefly lost touch with reality, fucked things up with my friend and most of my social circle, and nearly avoided severe consequences from a really public episode.

(\^these two paragraphs another 3 years).

New closest friend, who've I helped to dramatically improve their own mental health called me out on my narcissism and megalomania and convinced me that the aforementioned relationship was fundamentally unhealthy and I should let it go. I agreed. I did everything I could to get out of my delusions and succeeded. Shortly thereafter fell into an extremely deep depression, related to losing my coping systems. Was suicidal for the first time ever. Friend-2 threatened to abandon me if I didn't seek psychiatric help out of fear for my safety.

I talked to a psychiatrist. Was prescribed Lamotrigine. I have been taking it for just over 1 week, and am seeing some inconsistent but promising results.

I am so goddam tired. Even the most basic chores are an ordeal. I'm barely holding off suicidal thoughts. I'm traumatized by years of self-harm, cruelty, and grief. 

But I've come this far. I'm going to see this through. I have my software, and years of experience from doing this on my own.

Sorry for the melodrama. It's very validating to talk about this stuff with other people, so I thought this would be a good idea.