I could use some kind words today. One of the only people I consider a friend in my city recently told me that they appreciate having me around, and combined with the fact that I messed up and revealed some things about my mental and physical health that I like to keep hidden, I've (characteristically) decided to stop speaking to them. 

This sounds totally crazy but a few months ago I came across a message that my ex sent me when we were still together, calling me crazy and saying my depression is keeping me from having close bonds with people, and I took a screenshot of it and saved it in my photos so I can look back and remind myself why I keep doing this to people. It's for their own good. Otherwise they'll get disgusted by me and leave me, and it hurts less if I'm the one leaving. 

My ex (whom I'm friends with still and probably doesn't remember calling me crazy) also said recently that they have to take some time to focus on themselves and they were worried that I kept talking about pushing people away. They basically said I'd have no one left at some point. Well, that's me now I guess.

I still have friends, but they're not people I rely on. They kind of equally keep things superficial, so we just hit each other up if we want to do something fun. Most of my friends don't live near me anyway. At this point I'm through trying to improve my circumstances and I just want to know how to make it less painful to be alone.