Every day. Every night. Every second I'm awake.

I'm always picturing it in detail, different ways. I'll look up handguns and spend a good time looking. I'll think of easily accessible places to jump from close by. I'll drive recklessly. I'll take too many pills hoping maybe I OD but honestly its never enough. I'll go without food a few days or eat too much.

I definitely have problems. These are not normal thoughts. I don't want help. I just want a gun to put me closer to ending it all.

I became defective one day somehow, now I have to live like this until I take myself out and hopefully soon.