So this is my first reddit post huh. Anyways, Im going to get straight to the point first. Im 19 yo guy and the last month and especially now, Ive been feeling severely suicidal. Far more than usual and now I even have a date set when I 'want to do it'. But the thing is, although im depressed and suicidal I don't really want to die.

I've been struggling with this for almost a decade now. Depression and suicidal thoughts I mean. I had numerous suicide attempts that I survived, same as depressive episodes. I talked to some of my friends, my parents and my bf most recently about it and they all have been mostly supportive. I have even went to therapy but it didn't really help. I also tried self medication w light anti depressants but that didn't really help as well. Breakdowns are getting more recent these days and I genuinely don't know what else to do. 
Although there are some bad things happening in my life rn(example; probably messed up my entrance exams for college because of bad mental health), I should be generally satisfied with my life right now. I have good parents(our relationship can get rocky but they're still supportive and caring), some friends and lovely old dog. From recently I also finally got my degree in nursing. And I have amazing boyfriend with whom I been with for half a year now. Our relationship is healthy and strong, and I have a lot more to look forward to in life. But because of depression I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I feel like I shouldnt even exist at all. 

Thing with my depression and suicidal thoughts is, it feels like chronic illness or a cancer. Like its never going to go away, it will stay w me forever. When its really bad I can even feel it physically, my skin feels like its burning and my mind boils. I can't think clearly or talk w anyone, I usually am just able to cry and listen to music. Andi its like some switch goes off in my mind that makes all of my thoughts and emotions awful and I just can't do anything but hope it will stop soon. I really don't wanna die. Ik it will hurt my loved ones, although Im sure they would be fine without me. And I want to keep on fighting, I want to be able to welcome life with my hands wide open again. I want to think things will change and Ill get better, that there is still hope out there. I just don't know how anymore. 

No one will probably read this, but after this really long vent does anyone here have any idea how should I deal with this? Is there any way to find hope again despite feeling like youre on a sinking ship? How can I possibly survive this?