Day 2 being back home from the mental hospital. Lots of family talks about what's going on. Had some family fly in from out of state as well. I would be lying if I said I hated all the attention, but at the same time it's a little overwhelming. So many different emotions flying around from everyone evolved. There was even some not so nice words involved but I guess what was said needed to be said. 

One of the big things everyone asked was why I never reached out for help. It's hard for them to understand what feeling totally alone with no sense that someone is willing to help feels like. I tired explaining but I think it may have fallen on deaf ears. I also pointed out that phones work both ways and they could have just as easily checked in with me. 
On this point I would like to say please check in with your friends even if you think they are doing just fine. You never know what may be lurking behind a smile. 

Honestly it's weird hearing that people love me unconditionally. Part of my problem is I always felt love was conditional based on someone wanting something from you. I understand I am wrong on that but from most of my personal experience that's exactly what it felt like, whether it be family or a SO. My guess is if I do ever end up in another relationship there will be a huge learning curve for me.

I did tell my family that part of the reason I never reached out is trust. In my experience telling someone your true deep down feelings and thoughts never ends well because they end up being used against you. I have to assume this is going to be another learning curve that will take me a while to get to. For now it will be baby steps.

I am scheduled to see an actual therapist 3 times a week for while. I'm not sure exactly how that's going to go but I'll give it a shot. I've always felt like it's a weakness to lean on someone so much and talk about feelings. I was brought up learning to deal with whatever it is on my own and compartmentalize everything so I don't get to far down the hole and now I see how well that actually works. 🙄

For now I'll leave this here, I may update after my first therapy session depending on what happens.

To anyone reading this, if your having problems I sincerely hope you find a path to happiness and don't fall down the deep dark rabbit hole like I did. Now that my mind is more clear I'm starting to see how absolutely terrifying it really is but I'm glad I get a second chance.