One of my biggest fears is trying everything possible to turn my life around, from grades to career, career to myself. Then still come out being the same or still having the same hallow feelings. I wanna take this next year to change my life around for the best. I wanna look back and be happy with my life and what I've accomplished. I've learned throughout the years that I really do want to be alive, I just don't want to be Me. I wish I could change myself and who I am and where I came from but I can't. So I would like to better myself, do something to make myself proud. I just don't want to waste even more time trying to fix myself then still be unhappy. 

This fear probably came from my dad. He's a ex heroin addict yet In his 40s, he went from a crackhead to owning his own auto repair shop, has a beautiful 5 yr old and amazing wife. Yet he still the most cold hearted asshole. He still cant get more then a couple hr of sleep. He's drunk every night, he rarely speaks a word to me. So from heroin addict to a Shop owner, yet still unhappy, still suicidal, still fighting after doing so fucking much. Is that really all there is to life?

Constantly Fighting to be happy without ever truly feeling it, you may hide it or distract for awhile but it always come back and harder everytime. Till One day.