I am a almost 18 yr old man with extreme lonliness and anxiety, adhd, autism, and ptsd. as much as i hate to say it, I feel as if my mom lost her "happy" child a long time ago, and I try to do as much as I can, including trying multiple therapy sessions. I've been doing therapy for about 3 years now, switched between maybe 1 or 6 therapists. I have not been happy for a very long time and have been trying ways that have only had temporary results like gaming, Dance (I've been dancing since I was born and now a professional competition dance team.)
But anyway I've been lost for a very long time, while trying to stay happy, nearly every night i suffer from sleep paralysis, and paranoia, ect. which has caust me countless hours of sleep which fuck up my schedule on countless occasions. A few nights ago while stretching like I always do with a flex band(a flexable rubber band with holes to put your foot in to stretch things out more precisely/straighter etc.) And when I had a thought come to mind while looking at the way the band was shaped.
(Keep in mind I haven't had suicidal thoughts in years aside from non serious ones recently until this one.) I suddenly just went upstairs to my room in my house and I have a pull up bar right at the entrance of my room which I do pull ups evrytime I go in and out of my room, I went and tied the band like a noose and set up a chair but stepped off of it as I re-thought it through and didn't go with it, which then made me go into a state of shock. I just want someone to understand. Thx for reading if you did, really means a lot.