So this might be a wall of text so i apologize in advance. But in the past two months i’ve had my wife almost die from a double pulmonary embolism in both lungs, and had my mother die about two weeks after my wife got out of the hospital. My mother was abusive in every possible way and we have been no contact since the week before i turned 19 and i’m 30 now. I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD, Bi-polar 1 with rapid cycling, and i’ve always dealt with super severe anxiety. 

My wife almost dying absolutely destroyed me because she was the only one that stuck by my side when i was dealing with my mom, and my mom was the target of her attacks when she couldn’t get to me. She had to go through my mom stalking her, having other people stalk her, threatening her and her family with violence because she blames my wife for me going no contact which isn’t true, it was my decision. 

Where to start with my mom? My mom was the personification of everything evil. She sexually abused me because i looked like my father who she divorced about 21 years ago. She physically abused me up until an accident on my birthday in 2006 where a huge tree fell and hit about 12 different people in my family. Admittedly she had the worst injuries but nobody died and practically everyone who was there was formally diagnosed with PTSD because it was an absolute horror show. 

By far the worst thing she did was the mental abuse, she lied to me and everyone else about my whole medical history because it got her attention and affection, she lied to me about why my father left and why my stepfather adopted me and my sister. She lied about him abusing her because my dad started to call her out on her shit. She’s used my grandfather’s (who was my biggest male role model) death to hurt me, and purposely took any mention of me out of his obituary. Long story short, i hate the bitch. 

But, up until now i thought that when she passed that a lot of the problems i had would go away because most were caused by her, and i know i seem blamey but anybody who has gotten away from her can attest to what having her in your life can do to your mental state. But yeah, i thought that i would feel so much better when she passed, but all i have is this sadness for not having the childhood and formative years of love and support because i feel if i had that, i wouldn’t be trying to play catch up in life like i do. And i have such a deep seeded anger for what i had to deal with, and that i never even got to tell her the way she made me feel and the damage she caused me. And i just feel empty, not even depression, just emptiness, and i don’t enjoy that feeling. 

Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit, only reason i posted was because i’m sure somebody on here has gone through something similar, and might have pieces of advice. Thanks.