I'm supposed to be enjoying life - I'm not. It's only making me feel worse

Well fuck. Sorry for the rant below. 

Life is an up and down road for me. I just got back from a stressful deployment (in the military) and an currently on my two weeks of R&amp;R leave. I didn't feel down much while deployed because I was constantly busy, stressed, and had the mission to keep me oriented. 

Now....I feel depressed. I don't think I should be as I'm enjoying traveling through some wonderful European cities. But.... I am. 

Big problem in my eyes is me being single. Living alone for years, and not having much of a social life due to moving frequently, COVID, etc has left me lonely. While deployed, I didn't really have anyone I looked forward to coming back to. The thing that gets me down is seeing all the happy couples all around who are seemingly blissful. It would be great to have that experience myself. 

I'm starting to realize that having these social relations has tremendous value. 

As someone who is not that attractive, I've never really had success in my dating life. It fucking sucks, because I feel like it's out of my control. I've done pretty well for myself outside of my dating life, with my professional one being on a really good track. But yuuuup.... This is a hangup for me. 

I know I'm not alone in this regard as many people face the same challenges. It just feels good to get it off my chest. 

Will that address my other issues of depression-related moods? Likely not. But it's a start. 

Another thing that lightly gnaws at me is that I don't really have a support network or those that I feel really care. At work, I'm the person that is there for others. It's pretty much my job. Outside of my job, it's a vast lonely void. Words that summarize my current mood:

- disposable
- invisible
- vulnerable

I know I can't be the only one who has to deal with this - so it's nice to share it. Here's to hoping time will bring good news.