I haven't felt this bad in years. I felt worse in the past, but now I'm older, hopeless, without any ambitious left and I can't recover.

When I'm done working I go to bed and I stay there in the dark. My mind makes me relive all my painful memories and I wonder how much suffering I will have still to go through, and then I imagine the bad things that may happen to me.

I've barely eaten or drank during the last days. A game I've waited for years, my whole life probably, just came out but I couldn't really enjoy more than a few moments out of it. Until I stopped playing and started passing my time in bed.

I neither hope nor wish for my life to get better. My only desire is to die, but I'm not brave enough to suicide. The physical pain, the thought of it being the final action before emptiness, the possibility of surviving with severe brain or body injuries. The thought of everyone I have met not caring and my 30 years of existence getting forgotten in a few days, like when you finish school or change job, but on a much bigger scale.

So I do nothing. There's nothing I can do for my life anymore. And I wouldn't do anything anyway because every attempt I made in the past failed or made things actually worse. I've just wanted to write a few words because I don't talk with someone anymore.