So I'm new to BPD but after a few years of depression slowly getting worse and developing anxiety issues, things have degraded to what is best described as BPD. I'm still waiting to talk to a phycologist but either way this question is relevant.



I recently drove a once best friend to write me a formal letter stating she could no longer be friends with me. I used to think very highly of her, too highly then over the last couple months it started to become that she only called on me when she needed something, sometimes she was even rude. I didn't realize at the time it was because she wanted space and to cool it because I had shown too much interest and acted inappropriately. She has a boyfriend and I understand, it was well intended but it was a misjudgement of boundaries on my part. I didn't get that at the time and went through the abandonment sequence which from reading things here seems all too familiar



Anyway fast forward to after I went full asshole mode when I got tired of feeling like she was only using me and pushing me away and decided to push her to the point of cutting ties. I went into a depersonalization state for a few weeks after and was able to finally understand what's been going on and that other recently ended relationships happened similarly (though there has been many the last few years, this was the most apparent).




Anyway I feel horrible I pushed a good friend to this point, damaged our friendship and made her feel like shit. So what's the best thing to do? I feel toxic and best if I just keep out of everyone's lives until I get treatment and (hopefully) can start rebuilding my life. I also wonder if that's just the fear of abandonment keeping me from making a better choice or doing something to fix it. I don't know, I feel like any normal person would be happy to keep people like me out of their life but I don't want to believe  that relationships I've had, are ruined even if I was to seek treatment.

TLDR: Ruined a lot of friendships because of BPD symptoms, wondering what to do now that I know why I did it. 

