Weirdly enough this happens to be my first ever reddit post. It was August 2020 when this started. I used to be in this transperant but dozed off state when I tried sleeping. I used to have dreams frequently, whilst knowing that I was in a dream. The most common "dream" I had was seeing my father lying dead, with a white sheet covering his body till is throat and cotton plugs up his nostrils. Sitting by his body would be my maternal aunts, grandmother and my mother. I remember this very well because they would cry in a way, I wouldn't be able to forget. There was this extreme use of a rusted cracked voice, maybe that was what let me remember this with such detail. 


Clearly, I wasn't able to sleep and this took a serious toll on my behaviour in general. My family and friends were victims of receiving this behaviour but none like this girl I used to date. We had been friends for a very long time and I started laying down signals back in 2019 (late). It was June 13, 2020 somewhere around 11 in the night when she said that she loved me. Moving on, I tried seeking shelter in her during this August - October period when I would be having problems with the choices I used to make. I was making necessary sacrifices, atleast that's what I thought. Thing is these so called difficult decisions I was making (whilst being stupidly sleep deprived) would in general make me not happy. But I quite engrossed with the idea of benefitting both of us in the long run ,that I had neglected the present I could've shared with her. 


November 2020, four days after my birthday she broke up. Didn't explain much, nor did she allow me to ask questions. Whilst being in the relationship and working my ass off every night trying to balance my academics and everything in general, i never imagined how I would hold myself up if things went south. So when it did all the aspects that were on the so called "balance" fell apart. I would cry, my head would hurt, snot stuck up my nostrils making it near to impossible for me to breathe. I would breathe heavily through my mouth, and a couple of breaths later my whole mouth would go dry. Started playing games till I could doze off, because taking sleeping pills was not an option. 


January 2021, practicals had started and i was cutting myself whenever I had this episode. There was an update though, along with all that was happening I started shaking, so to get myself out of such an overwhelming situation I would shock myself by cutting. Probably toxic but very effective, seeing the blood gush though the slits I made would stop the snot, dry the sweat drops and technically take me to a state where I would be unable to contemplate how low i had stooped down to