I feel like dead inside and extremely sad almost all the time. Because of these feelings I not wanting people to overwhelm with my problem tend to isolate myself from people around me. It is this weird cycle that as a consequence of numbness and sadness that I feel within me I have no interest in anything, which leads to faking some emotions in conversations as not to be awkward with people in my job environment (although making matters even worse) which fuels my depression even more  because at the end I find myself beating up for not being authentic. That being said, I know where this sucker of life comes from. Growing up I have experienced a lot of family violence combined with quite a lot of verbal and physical abuse towards me. My mother was truly a horrifying person to me as a child. Human brain is so flexible in children that all of the words being said to me destroyed me which led to thinking negatively (self hatred) a lot. It takes a lot of time to destroy that pattern once it has been established. All of this lead to the point that I had an extreme form of social anxiety where talking to any person would be so much stress that it gave me panic attacks (I have overcome this by myself though not fully, talking is painful still). Now being an adult,  a lot of thing that I went through made me hate my mother although as a family we have been making some improvements. I tried the past stay in past because I'm tired of being angry and hateful, it sucks away my soul and life, love out of me. But I cannot help but feel the same way. I have moved away from my parents to lessen the hate I feel towards them especially to my mother. To some degree it helped to subside the hatred. I'm now trying to solely focus on present and stop bothering the past and play the blame game. But extreme sadness and apatia overwhelms me so much sometimes I cannot function. It prevents me from following any meaningful relationship because I don't want to spread my misery.