I just had a revelation and I don't know how to process it. I'm a gay, black, 31-year-old male living in NYC. A couple of years ago, I had a slew of negative experiences that made me believe there was something wrong with me. Hookup culture is a pretty big thing in the gay community here and I was definitely a part of it. I'd sleep with guys that I meant nothing to and who meant nothing to me. At the time, I was newly unemployed so I was sleeping with more people than usual. Some of them became regular partners but it was always just sex.

The problem starts with the nature of hookup culture and living in a city where there are countless options for people to sleep with. I'd find the guys I'd slept with ignoring me while chatting with other people I knew or lying to me that they couldn't see or talk to me. It always made me feel rejected and inferior. Up to the point that would happen, I didn't feel particularly special about many of them, but as soon as I felt that rejection, I'd become infatuated with them. I did whatever I could to get their attention and it always eventually worked to my detriment. They'd sever ties with me, I'd feel anxious and depressed, and I couldn't be productive or find joy in anything I did. I've only just realized that the same thing happened in my recently ended relationship. 

I started seeing someone about a year ago, largely so I would no longer feel the need to be part of hookup culture and face potential rejection. After a couple of months with him, I was ready to end it. I thought our relationship was boring, stagnant, and I couldn't find anything special about him that would give me a reason to stay. I blamed it on other factors like the fact that we were approaching winter during a pandemic and that there was simply little to do for entertainment, but I knew that wasn't the issue.

I made the decision to give it a little more time to see if things would improve because the holiday season was right around the corner and it's the worst time to break up with someone. About a month later, he started to say he loved me. We'd only been together for 3 months so I thought it was much too soon. Plus, I didn't feel that way about him so I was reluctant to accept it. A couple of months after that, he cheated on me in order to rebuild a relationship with his ex. He hadn't given me a concrete reason for wanting to break up with me, but when he did, a switch was flipped.

My feelings for him got stronger and I was willing to do anything to keep him in my life. That was even the case after I confronted him about cheating. Before our initial breakup, we never fought. Afterward, we couldn't go more than a couple of weeks without a major argument. It made no sense that I would feel so strongly about him - the very person that I described as boring and who would go on to validate my worst fears. But I did. I still do.

Now, he isn't talking to me. I went missing when I thought I couldn't handle things anymore and he filed a police report. We had spoken since then and everything seemed like it would be fine. I gave him some space and it seemed like we were on good terms. Then I got anxious and asked if I could speak with him. He called, but it never came through and he accused me of rejecting his call. He hasn't said a word to me since then.

I thought that a romantic relationship would be different than the ones that were sexual. I didn't think I'd get unreasonably attached. I didn't think I'd feel and behave the same way I did with all the other people. But here I am experiencing those same emotions and behaving in the same ways, but it's all so much more intense. I feel as though I can't have any form of an intimate relationship without this being a possibility. 

There's no way for me to fix the situation or how it makes me feel. I don't even have anyone to talk to about it. I keep finding myself scrolling through my texts, contacts, and social media in search of anyone who might be able to calm me down. There's no one. I've never felt so alone and it's all because of a person that I didn't initially care much about. I don't know why it always comes to this. I'm scared to try intimacy with anyone but I'm also miserable without it. How am I supposed to overcome this?