I just feel like the melody/rhythm of my life is total disharmony. I don't know what i do from day to day, i get interrupted by others for non-sense, and i wanted to not earn money because i saw where this civilization is going, but i can't find any people i can learn how to build a house from for free, the materials also cost, the transport, etc. and all that, and since there's no such thing, idk, i just don't know. Is it maybe that i don't have a private room just for me, and not single 4 hours per day just for me without breaks? Always external stressors. I can't even concentrate. My mind goes absolutely blank, i get extremely sensitive to external stimuli. And if i to earn the money for renting rooms, i mean... I'd still hate myself because i hate being a parasite, every moment feels like existential agony. I want suicide, but of course, a part of the family doesn't offer support. Other part is estranged in a way. It's all weird. I really want death this life really makes no damn sense.