I asked somewhere else, I might as well just ask here. The input from a fellow person with BPD is better. You've been through this before.

**Original post said:**

I've realized it's been weeks since I've gotten suicidally depressed, and got psychotic symptoms again. I naturally upped up my liquor and drug use even higher. I've been out of my mind since last thursday (heavy drug binge) and I'm recently coming to my senses.

Where do I go from here? I'm at the border of this, I keep crossing the line and coming back and it's exhausting. "Do you want to be dead". Yeah. "So you're thinking suicide". Yeah but I don't even have the capability of doing that right now.

I tried reaching my therapist and he's just unavailable. If I go to ER they will either lock me up for weeks or tell me to just fuck off because of COVID and me wasting precious resources. I'm willing to get hospitalized in a psych ward, again. I just don't know how to make that step.

I mean, if I can write this coherently, then I must be alright? I'm fucking not. I can't even open my laptop and work.

**End of original post.** I'm so desperate I'm willingly considering going to the psych ward, I'm a danger to myself and to everyone else around me. If you get in my way of self-harm I'll harm us both.