My life is that of an anime villain character. 

I grew up in a household, with two parents and one older brother. 

My parents are very kind people, but they sadly had a very troubled lives and went through a lot.

This led to them being extremely abusive to each other or turn the anger on us and verbally degrade us. I witnessed a lot of violent acts committed by mother and father, I’ve seen my mother get beat up and I’ve seen my father get slit by mother knives. These were all witnessed by the time I was 6 and could remember they were a very common occurrences. 

My father out of anger has poured boiling hot water on my face (yes like prince zukko) I had scars for 6ish months and could not go out for 3 months because my skin was all burnt and peeling off.  

As my home life was not the best and we were pretty poor, my environment wasn’t the best. I was during hard drugs at young age and had extremely bad opioid addiction, that I beat only because we moved away and I had no assess to yet for a while. I was getting into major illegal activities such as robberies and other things. 

My father and mother both have told me they wished they aborted me. 

I’m still kind to everyone tho, they all still use me but that’s a problem I’m okay with. I’d rather be used and destroyed then let others ever feel experience anything I did. 

When I was so alone and told I was constantly unwanted, unlike most people, I use to go to the room and degrade myself to the point I’d be crying more I’d beat myself so up so I could toughen up more. 

Everything I witnessed had made me extremely conscious at a very young age. I believe it’s called depersonalization in today’s terms, but it was like that for me as long as I could I remember. 

My first suicide attempt was when I was 10 years old. 

Now I’m in college I’m 19. I have fought with everything constantly in my life in order to have strength and will to live, I never stopped once. 

Now I’m here, and I don’t feel anything anymore, numb to everything, therapists basic suggestions don’t work and a re waste of money. Things they’ve suggested have been things I’ve tried by the time I was 11-15 I use to read psychology books in order to try myself to get better. ( I use to change every thing about myself constantly because no matter what I did I was always made felt never good enough). 

And after all that, here I am stuck feeling like I’m rotting away. The fight wasn’t worth the battle scars I have. 

I don’t want putty or anything. Just suggestions or words from people who believe the understand how I feel. 

I’m just really tired of fighting, and I feel like I just got chewed up and spit out and left to rot away in some dirty gutter by the world.