Didn't sleep at all. It's 530am. 

I went through my husband's phone for absolutely no reason. He's literally an angel. Never gives me a reason to doubt. But I still so. And I did a shitty thing because I'm a shitty person and I went through his phone. And when I didn't find anything, i kept digging. And digging. And digging.

Till i saw it. An Ashley Madison email. I flipped. 

I cut my leg up pretty bad and was hyperventilating and crying. He woke up extremely concerned, confused. I told him I hate him over and over and over.

Figured out the AM account. Logged in. Recent purchases adding up to $100. Recently sent messages. I swore to him I was going to file for divorce tomorrow. I wanted nothing to do with him. He said it was an old account from before we were together and he hasnt been on it for years. I called him a liar.

Wont go into detail. But after both of us digging all night, we realized his old account was hacked. It was some sort of bot it seemed. 

He only slept an hour and has one of the most important days of his career today. Then we have to drive 20hrs. 

He held me. Reminded me he loves me and kissed me and told me he wants me to be here when he gets back. I don't deserve him. He's so fucking good to me even when i dont deserve it.

I feel like i ruined his chances of doing well today by robbing him of a sound mind and peace. He said he might take me to the hospital because of my self harm but if he thinks I'm okay later on today he won't. I'm safe, I'm not suicidal and I'm not going to hurt myself again. It was a spur of the moment. It's pretty bad though. Worst one I've done in years. 

I hate myself. I'm so tired of myself. He's gonna grow tired of me and leave. I'm the worst.