When I make decisions, I always think it would be for the better of myself and my future. I don't do anything without my parent's advice and it's gotten to the point that I wouldn't even do anything without their advice. Here's some context.

I graduated from university. I became an officer in the military, Air Force to be specific because my parents would not approve of any other branch. I moved out of my parent's house but moved across the country to a state I never imagined myself living in. I bought my own house. I have every game system I want, a well-running PC, and I have no shortness of entertainment. All this and I still have nothing. I know my past self would be ecstatic for seeing me get all I have at only 25 years old.

Nothing makes me happy. I don't play any video games. I work out 3-4 times a day and I still feel out of shape. I hate going to work and it's gotten to the point where I never even tell anyone I'm in the military because I don't even want to talk about it. My parents tell me how proud of me they are and I just respond with an empty thanks every time. 

Dating has been its own can of worms. I don't get much time to meet people. I tried dating apps but I've only gotten 2 matches in the past two months. I have never been in a relationship before and I yearn for something that people around me always have. I don't like hanging out with my friends because they're always wanting to go to bars and chill (I don't drink or smoke). I feel alone and sometimes I like it but most of the time I just want someone to talk to. The only dopamine rush I get is watching porn and masturbating, and it's a struggling addiction that I'm trying so hard to quit.

I read a lot of posts here and I feel bad about why I feel like this when other people have bigger problems that if I had to face them I would collapse under pressure. I hate how I need to justify my feelings, especially when I share them online and most of the time I would just keep it to myself because I would think my opinions are invalid to even speak of. This post is going to be one of the rare instances where I overlook all of that and say what I really feel, for once.