It seems like all of the relationships I've had in my life end in one of two ways. 
1. If I am in a relationship with someone who truly cares for me or is %100 available to me, I lose all interest in this person. Someone who I once idealized completely is now disgusting to me. I usually end up humiliating the person or doing things to hurt them until they can't take it anymore. The relationship normally ends when I find someone else to take their place.
2. When I am in a relationship with someone who is not %100 available to me, not committed to me, etc... I end up idealizing everything about them, devoting all of my time to them, contacting them constantly, looking for ways I can make their life easier, hoping to see them daily, and in the end I send them running for the hills. When I creep someone out with my neediness and they decide to end things, it seems nearly impossible for me to leave them alone. I call and text and occasionally will show up at their house, begging for a chance to talk.

Does anyone else struggle with having the self control to put down your phone and leave your ex alone? I've tried deleting numbers, but I always find a way to figure it out again. If I can't get a number I'll message them on Facebook, or email.... Anything. I've had my number blocked multiple times by different people, and even though I know they won't be receiving my call, I hit send anyway just to hear it ring.  It gets to the point where I realize that even if they did pick up the phone I would have absolutely nothing to say.

I'm not proud of these relationship patterns. I know I am not a horrible person, but to anyone that I end up dating I must seem like a monster.

Just reaching out to see if anyone out there find themselves in a similar position. Or maybe you've found a way to stop the cycle.

Thanks
Tara, 25F
