in one hour it will be september 6th, my birthday

i feel like i'm going to lose my mind right now so i will post this in form of "light" vent.

i have been diagnosed with BPD since 2017. my psychologist and psychiatrist didn't want to tell me that i have BPD personally, because they don't want to stress me out, but in a recent report from when i was in the hospital for suicidal behavior, they put "BPD" in my medical record. soon, i'll be enter to a medical center to treat my mental problems. i recently have injuries and i want to do myself more and more right now.

my FP (my ex-boyfriend) recently left me for being BPD. i ruined our relationship and he no longer wanted to be there as a boyfriend, just as a friend. i always destroy my relationships, always. my friends don't take proper care of me or bother to talk about what i'm feeling right now, what i'm supposed to think. they don't understand what the BPD is and i don't talk about it. i don't think nobody cares about me anymore.

i really feel like i want to disappear. i dont' want to celebrate my disgusting birthday. 

you know? i made a friend recently, he's a minor (17). he supports me with his artistic and amazing photos of nature. he loves me. i feel wrapped up in him. i feel loved. i feel cared for but he is a minor and i'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. i feel bad for my constantly need for attention and care.

i just have nightmares and bad ideas. i don't want this live. i don't want this anger, this sensitivity, these emotions. i just don't want anything anymore.

nobody understands me, nobody went and nobody could

happy birthday to myself!