I (female, 24) have schizophrenia (mild, almost no hallucinations), severe body dysmorphia coupled with narcissistic personality disorder and mild dissociative identity disorder (I am a host who controls other identities and they don’t “exit” the headspace).

I have been finally diagnosed with schizophrenia at 22, before that, given that it’s rather atypical, I have been diagnosed with recurring depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder among others. It took a lot of time to find someone to find the correct diagnosis, to find the correct medication. So much time was lost.

I am still seeing a therapist weekly, but otherwise my mental health has gotten much better. Over the past year I have gotten a job (my first job) and been quickly promoted to a managing position, which makes me one of the four top managers in this small company (I don’t really feel like a top manager, but the CEO keeps calling me that so there’s that). I have had a relationship, the second relationship I’ve had in my life — it ended quickly, but it wasn’t what I wanted really so it’s not a big deal. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve gone a long way, but it’s hard to be satisfied. I have always been extremely ambitious — the fact that I think has to do with my narcissistic personality disorder. All I ever wanted was everything. What makes it even harder is the fact that there are people who hurt me — people who at some point of my life made me feel down, people who didn’t believe I was sick and instead told me I was lazy — and I feel the need to prove myself to these people. I know this is a pointless and worthless desire, trust me I know, but I cannot accept it. This is still my most important motivation, to prove to these people that they were wrong about me. Even if they wouldn’t care, I would.

Now I’m turning 25. I’ve always romanticized youth, I have always looked around 15 (still do) and been comfortable with it. Not that I have noticed any sign of “aging”, but this number makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t want people to know my age anymore. I have already missed the opportunity to do something great young (I want to have my own business, software development; currently I work in web development). 
I also look nowhere good as I want to look. If I had to be objective, I would say I probably look fine, people notice me and I get complimented. But of course I want perfect, and this is far from my perception of perfect. A long way to go. I’m now scared that when I get to looking the way I want to look I will already lose my youthfulness... which is part of my perception of the perfect look. This is devastating to me.

Want a fun fact? I have never had vaginal sex. I have tried (didn’t really happen so the word “tried” fits best) anal and oral performed on me, but that’s it. I have always been waiting for a right person and a right moment. Now I feel like it’s getting more awkward than cute. I don’t really feel like a virgin because of the other kinds of sex that I’ve had, but I still cannot go and just have my first vaginal intercourse with a random person. What was the point of waiting for the right moment in the first place then?

Another thing that is painful — now that I feel better and finally living almost like a normal person, sometimes I think, “I could have as well been living like a normal person long ago”. I mean, I know I really couldn’t, but I still get these thoughts, I blame myself for not doing enough, not getting better soon enough. For wasting my youth on feeling like a piece of shit, doing nothing (what I have been doing these years from 15 to 23 — living in my headspace with the alters, the only happiness I felt was when I was there together with them; almost never leaving the house; couldn’t even complete my bachelor’s, I enrolled but dropped out). It’s very hard not to blame yourself, especially when some people don’t even believe you’re ill.

I know I’m still young and will be until 30, at least. I know I’m probably still going to look super young at least before there are first signs of aging — my babyface is probably not going anywhere. I know I‘m not the one to blame in my illnesses. I know I have time to fulfill my potential and that is still going to be considered to be young if I manage to do it before 30 — I hope so. This is the paragraph written for self-persuasion, because part of me does know it, but the others find hard to believe. I have always been very sad about being sick, I could never accept it completely... but now when I’m reaching adulthood it’s even more devastating.

It felt therapeutic to write down, so if no one will find some time to offer some words of support or advice, it’s okay and I understand... it’s rather long. I know it’s even harder to read about other people struggles when you struggle yourself, it is for me at least. Even if you just read to this point, thank you, and I hope maybe reading about my experience can be therapeutic or a little helpful to you too, in some way. I wish every one of you to feel better, I sincerely do.