I guess the title is self explanatory...I'm not even sure anymore what I am diagnosis wise, I was depressed, then I was 'cured' then I had/have anxiety so I'm on antidepressants, but I have sucidial tendancies and depressive episodes that can last anywhere from a few days to a few months, but it's never enough to get diagnosed because I'm too scared to take my clothes off and show them the cuts...I just don't know anymore and it's Australia, noone gives a fck in the mental health system.

I'm writing because I don't know what to do, I put my boyfriend of 8months thru hell last night.
He was at work and I performed some self harm acts...I broke down, I told him I didn't want to be here anymore, that he needed to leave to I could do it, I begged him and he still wouldn't leave, I tried everything and even tried to leave but he wouldn't. I tried for 4hours. he was scared. I am sad not for what I did to myself but for making him upset, but I still don't want to be here.
I just want to take a long hot shower and fall down the drain never to be seen again. I love him with all my heart I'm so happy I've found him, but I know that he deserves better, ever though he won't accept it...theres like 8billion people in the world I know he will find an even better version of me, but he won't go, he refuses to, and I dont to hurt him anymore. I just want to hurt me.
I don't know what to do
Whether this is depression or something else...but I want to stop hurting him