I never felt like harming myself before. I always thought I could manage my emotions and not let them manage me. But things have gotten bad. Sometimes it feels good just to write everything down regardless of whether someone reads this. My girlfriend left for San Diego which is roughly 750 miles from where I live. We've had a rocky relationship and we both did things early on that we regret. She claims to love me but has been cheating on me since the start of this relationship. I had a porn addiction for years before we met and this carried over into the first 4-5 months of us being a couple. She had found out about it and did things to punish me. Since then I have sworn to be a better person to save our relationship. Still she wants to sleep with random guys and its deeply affecting my self esteem. I just don't understand her mentality. What makes hooking up with other men while in a committed monogamous relationship acceptable to her? I don't do these things. I know this isn't r/relationship_advice so I apologize.

I'm just tired of waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air, falling back asleep temporarily to have the same recurring nightmares. And then to wake up the next morning wondering, "what could possibly go wrong today?" I can't think straight, my mind is foggy, concentration skills a mess and all the while the girlfriend gets to relish in her "rules for thee but not for me" ethos. And yet I'll continue to let her do this to me because I'm a simp. Absolutely good for nothing garbage. I wish I didn't exist.