This is just me venting since  I don’t know where else to talk about this. 
I don’t feel much. Usually this state is triggered by something but sometimes it just comes out of fucking nowhere. 
I don’t feel a lot but this emptiness is very painful too. How is this possible you may ask? Well I have no clue. 
I don’t know how to even describe this. I feel empty but in so much agony at the same time. 
I don’t want to do anything but I don’t want to do nothing either. 
I feel like nothing is ever enough for me. There is always a constant feeling of emptiness and I don’t know how to fill it. It affect my relationship with an amazing partner and I’m so lost. Before these moments were triggered by certain things but now it more frequently just comes out of nowhere and it frightens me.  It feels so bad, I’m afraid one day I will give up and end this life. 
I go to therapy sessions here and there but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I don’t know to deal with myself on daily basis. And I know BPD is not actually fully curable. But I really want to live, I want to be happy but I feel like I won’t ever be happy and this emptiness will constantly haunt me and I don’t think I will be able to live like this for long. 
I’m always upset or having a breakdown, I feel so bad for my partner. I don’t want to talk about this with them anymore because it’s just a constant wave of negative energy onto them when they are fighting their own battles.
I am lost