i hope i don’t break any rules here. i tried reading them but i’m in the middle of a spiral and not everything i’m reading makes sense. this is going to be a big ramble, as it’s 3am and my thoughts are spiraling. oh, and i’m sitting on the bathroom floor because my room is a disaster. i guess that’s a good start. 

why do i feel so empty? why do i feel so guilty all the time? why do my thoughts race so badly i can’t sleep? why do i feel like my relationship is failing and it’s all my fault? why can’t i control my anger and my anxiety? 

everything in my life is going so well. i’m successful in school, active on campus, close to graduating, in a healthy and happy relationship with someone who truly loves me, i have some good friends, and i’m close to being able to move into an apartment. 

so why do i feel guilty all the time? could be because i’m finally being independent. i’m leaving my parents behind, i’m letting them down. i’m going to be disappointing them if i move out. or, they’ll think my significant other is manipulating me to live with him and not them. 

life hasn’t been the same since my grandma passed. and it’s been even worse since i moved home for winter break. i cry so much, and sometimes i can’t even cry. i dissociate in class. i get headaches all the time. in my mind and heart i feel so driven to succeed, and yet i have no happiness, no energy to take care of myself. i haven’t brushed my teeth in days. i still haven’t done my homework or applications. 

i can’t sleep at night, and it takes everything in me to make it to class. how can i be so close to a happy and healthy future and still feel like i’m falling apart? i want so badly to talk to people about this but i feel like such a burden, especially when my outbursts bring down everyone around me. i’m afraid i’m going to be my own downfall. the downfall of my relationship, my friendships, my own physical and mental health. 

i reached out to the campus counseling center. i’m hoping to have a productive appointment, but i’m honestly afraid they might institutionalize me if i tell them the truth. i just need and want someone to talk to. someone to tell me how to feel okay again. but i’ve had so many bad experiences in therapy i’m afraid to open up again, especially to the school. i’m afraid i’m just being dramatic and catastrophizing my life and it’s not that bad, and opening up will just rock the boat and make things harder. 

sometimes i worry i will never be happy because of my parents. i do well in school? great, i met expectations. i’m depressed? it’s my relationship. i don’t want to spend time with my parents? i’m a bad daughter. my mom told me she’d grown resentful of me. i don’t know how to ever move past that. i want to be home so badly. i love my room, i love my pets. but it’s a hell hole. i want to die every minute i’m under my parents’ grasp. but i feel guilty even thinking about moving out. 

everyone around me is so happy and doing so well. i feel like such a burden to my friends, and especially to my boyfriend. i’m so negative and depressed and anxious and angry and i don’t even know what. all of the time. i’m so proud of him because he’s doing so well in life, but i feel like i’m just holding him back. 

i don’t know how to move forward in life. i feel so miserable and so stuck.