Some years ago I was subbed to r/Anxiety, in the hopes that I could find some help and support in light of the fact that my official mental health supports (i.e. my therapist, medications, etc.) weren't doing it for me. I ended up eventually having to unsubscribe because reading about the anxiety of others was honestly doing me more harm than good.

Fast forward to today... and things have only gotten worse. Not just in the world and society at large, but in my personal life as well. I have no job despite diligent searching, I'm literally living on poverty wages (in the form of disability payments that are increasingly becoming worthless), and my mind is in more dire straits than ever. In light of all of this, I've repeatedly told my primary care doctor I have no incentive to take care of myself. My diet is almost all junk food, I get no exercise, and everything I do seems self-destructive. Why prolong my existence in this living hell, that's only going to get more hellish as time goes on? Why bother living in this world without hope? I keep looking for help but I know I'm never going to find it because everyone else is as hopeless as I am, with good reason to be that way. It feels like there's no help coming. And I'm probably right.

So why am I posting here? In a word, desperation. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. All I want at this point is to be happy. All I want at this point is at least some reduction in the pain I feel. If losing hope is freedom, to quote Fight Club, I don't want freedom. I just want this pain to end.  And I don't know what'll make it end at this point other than me dying. And dying is painful in and of itself (which is why I haven't carried out any suicide attempts). I already know I'm weak and pathetic. I don't know what else to say anymore.

Just make the pain stop...