Especially when they’re super close to me, like my boyfriend. A lot of the time when I’m having an episode I push him away, not to hurt him, but as an attempt to not cause him any more pain than he already is, but obviously it backfires. Of course, he thinks that I’m doing this to spite him or because I hate him, but that’s far from the case. I’ve made him cry many times because of this, which makes it worse. 

You see, my bf is someone that I would genuinely consider the love of my life and he is everything I look for in someone; kind, gentle, warm and understanding. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve such a wonderful person. So when i push him away, I’m trying to save him from me because I don’t want to taint it with my madness and chaos that is my brain. He deserves better than me. Anyways, he wants me to never treat him like shit again but I can’t guarantee, at least not on purpose. 

To be honest, I hate it when people tell me that my upbringing and illness isn’t my fault, because when I hurt others because of it, isn’t it my fault? I can’t help but think that I deserve to be punished and suffer because of it. Maybe I am genuinely a horrible person, I just don’t show it because if I do, people will hate me.