My FP left me at the end of July. We kept talking. Hanging out. Everything. I had hope. We were getting along so well.  But it’s gotten more and more obvious he doesn’t want to get back together with me. 

He took our family dog when he went (we had adopted the dog from his sister).  My son kept asking about her. He’s 13, but huge emotions. (Can I get an amen). Even after I told him we weren’t going to see her anymore he asked about her. I told my son to contact my FP directly. I mean, he did live with us for 3 years…and we were together 4 1/4 total 

My ex got so upset. And when I didn’t pick up the phone because I was with my kids and already trying to keep it together, he told me forget about it. He was completely done and would be coming to get his stuff out of storage from my house in the next few weeks.

It just broke me. I knew we were broken up. But there had been this hope.  We broke up because he doesn’t like my parenting and my life attitude I guess in general. Despite my anxiety, I’m a laid back person.  

A messy house doesn’t bother me if it’s messy for a few days before it gets cleaned.  If I tell my kids no to something and then they ask why and I can’t give them a good reason, I tend to acquiesce. If I can’t give a good reason, why not let them?  

I just want my kids to be happy and healthy.  He comes from an abusive childhood and then the military. Everything needs to be planned and just so. His philosophy is if they don’t respect their chores and property now as teens, they are never going to have a good work ethic.  I don’t buy that.

Anyway….you can see the gist of our disagreements.

But I just kept thinking he was going to realize that all that stuff was “easy” stuff. Annoyances. That the other stuff outweighed that by so much.  

But. 

He doesn’t.

He doesn’t think I’m worth the fight anymore.

He doesn’t want to be part of my family anymore.

Because I see life differently, he doesn’t want to be with me. Even though the very same attributes drew him to me.  He once told me I was so genuine.  I was exactly who I presented myself to be

I sucks realizing that you’re not “good enough” for someone else.

I changed so much. My boys changed so much.  Just not enough.

Now I’m struggling with my depression like I was 2 years ago. I have to work, but I called off yesterday and today because I just couldn’t handle it.  I need the money….but I just can’t handle it. He was right about that too. 

I went back to a high stress job 2 years after I left because of mental health. And I’m overwhelmed all over again.

It’s so hard realizing someone you though you were going to spend the rest of your life with just doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

I’m more emotional than any other break up in my life, including the dissolving of my 13 year marriage in my 30’s. Or the 4 years with my Fiancé in my 20’s. Now the break up from my BF of 5 years in my 40’s.

I feel stupid and foolish (yes, I know, judgement and self invalidation) but still. I’m in my 40’s and feel no more stable than I did in my teens.

And then I realize…it’s me. All my failed relationships and people leaving me. I’m shined, bright and new in the beginning and then they tire of me.

2502 days until I figure my youngest is in college. Then I’m getting into a van, adopting a dog, and leaving society behind.

If it weren’t for my boys, I wouldn’t be here….