I'm not sure really what's going on with this, but I'm starting to get skeeved out and stressed over it. My therapist works a training clinic, I had seen them during a really bad time and was really struggling. They're a nice person and caring, but I never really felt they were quite the right fit.

It was hard for me to find a therapist at all, people didn't want to take me and my funds were so low I couldn't afford but the lowest sliding scale. They were there for me when the chips were down, and they seem like good people. I appreciate their hard work and all they've done. I feel like it's time to move on, but I want to be on good terms and keep the door open (ie in a heathy way, not burn bridges as I have done in the past). It's pretty important to me to handle the situation both gracefully and healthily.

I've been seeing this person twice a week for eight months. They will not give up. Every time I started talking about seeking alternate therapy there was resistance about me quitting. I think it was more about them failing, than accepting that this was a waypoint for me until I could find another resource. I was clear from the beginning that talk therapy has not historically worked for me (I think 20 years of talk therapy says enough), that from DBT, behavioral and exposure therapies I have seen the most incredible results. They were not trained in those therapies.

I finally told them I was looking for a group to supplement therapy, this was a non threat to them, because I waa not leaving, but supplementing therapy. I was really searching for a new therapist. For some reason I could not look for a new therapist without her permission, something about them being OK with me looking for a group allowed me to seek other therapists (i might happen to stumble across a therapist in my search, which would not be an outright rejection, or I might be required to see a therapist from the group that hosted a clinic, they kinda struggled with that one, but it was an acceptable rule beyond their control) otherwise I felt guilty, I felt wrong and I couldn't oppose the therapists wish for me to stay. I knew this was unhealthy, whether it was coming from her or me or both, the dynamic was not good.

So finally I found a new therapist to try. My old therapist was very resistant, kept saying they wanted a last session, they were available to talk. I mentioned the alternate therapy modality that new therapist has as way of not rejecting therapist.  Old therapist was OK they were not trained in that skill, and perhaps I could see new therapist ALONG WITH THEM FOR TALK THERAPY (no escape!).

I spoke to new therapist, they said that they would prefer to handle the talk therapy along with alt modality, but were open to me retaining old therapist (while I'm screaming noooo inside).

I told old therapist that I didn't want to risk losing coverage, insurance is tricky, this is true, insurance has a rule about overlapping therapists. I said, I'd like to see new therapist for now and see how it goes. So basically we're not terminating, just going on hiatus. Well old therapist went on vacation and when she came back, she called me asking why I hadn't showed up for routine appt, and now there's been messages back and forth about how I should have a termination session or at least phone conversation (WE HAD A FUCKING TERMI ATION SESSION ALREADY BEFORE SHE LEFT). 

I don't know how many times we need to discuss that I'm leaving to see the new therapist, that I need time to figure out the fit. I am doing the hiatus thing and not terminating absolutely because termination just upsets her so much and I don't want to burn that bridge. I wanted to be on good terms, if the new therapist doesn't work out, it would be nice to be on good terms with the old therapist if I ever need references, records, or even if I did want to go back for something else (this whole situation feels so unhealthy I don't think I can now). I don't want them to get angry and sabotage me, whether accidentally, passive aggression, maybe just something that happens because they were alienated and not so careful, maybe slipped up because they didn't really like me. I just don't want this to follow me in some negative way. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I have been avoiding calling thrm back. I will bite the bullet and do it, I really don't want this to keep dragging out, but I'm hesitating because I'm not certain of the best way to handle. It's become very stressful. The longer I sit on it, the worse it is!