Ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for years, before being labeled as possibly having bipolar disorder. The thing is, I couldnt fully relate to any of those labels and always felt like something was missing. Now I have a term to describe the intense feelings of loneliness, anxiety, paranoia and stress I feel when around other people and I'm happy about that. I'm not diagnosed yet but I feel like this is progress.

I'm at a strange place in my life right now. After dealing with years of abuse, stress, and failure, I'm more capable of dealing with my emotions and shutting them off when necessary. I feel comfortable with the fact that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life (as sad as that makes me feel) and I'm doing pretty well for myself, in a material sense. 

The thing is, I have this gnawing sensation in my chest that tells me that everything is wrong, and feel momentary bouts of depersonalization when I try to reconcile the reality that I'm living with the warped and fucked up things that go on in my head. I dont know if thats what triggers it exactly, but I get thoughts like, "I shouldnt be here" or, "this isn't right". 

It gets worse when I'm around other people and I'm aware of the fact that I should be enjoying myself. The more I think about it, the more disconnected I feel from the experience and my actual body. Otherwise, I'm overly excited and feel like I'm smothering the people I genuinely find myself interested in. Either way, I feel as though I'm making other people uncomfortable.