I’m literally having an episode rn and it’s like I can see myself ruining my life but I can’t stop it. So backstory: I work with my FP, and he let it slip today that he might be transferred to another location. Obviously that sent me into a tailspin. I got drunk. I tried to hurt myself. I went to my job and quit on the spot. Now I’m trying to talk myself out of driving my car into a light post. Like rationally I know this is all uncalled for, but I can’t help it. It hurts so much. I feel like somehow it’s my fault and I need to be punished and when I suffer enough everything will be okay again. That’s probably the abuse talking but I am absolutely convinced that’s what needs to happen. Idk I don’t expect a solution really from this post, I just needed to get my feelings out there. I hope I’m not alone. It’s definitely not the first time I’ve freaked out like this, and it won’t be the last. I hate BPD so much sometimes. Thanks y’all.