I’m having one of those days. You know what I’m talking about. When the longing is so deep and nothing fills it. Nothing satiates this thirst, desire, craving. I feel hopeless because even if I did find it in the form of a favorite person, hobby, substance… it’s only a matter of time before that cloud follows me again and I’m back here. I know it will get easier but right now, it’s not. All those rational thoughts don’t help. Thoughts and feelings remain disorganized and I’m lonely. 

I want to fall in love and I want pain. If there’s pain, there’s a possibility of love. Or maybe not because this isn’t how it’s supposed to go. Too many emotions, too many thoughts, too many versions of myself. Idk. 

I want to tell you my life story. That way you’ll fall in love with me, understand me, and these emotions will go away forever. None of it makes any sense though. In all honesty, what I want most is for you to sort through all this and fix me. But you’re going to fall short. Not because you aren’t enough, but because I want the whole world. Like I said, insatiable. You’re going to disappoint me and when this happens, I won’t want you anymore. I’m unlovable. I wouldn’t want this, so why would you or anyone else? 

The therapy helps. Until it doesn’t. Is this what my life is going to be like forever? I could fill books with superficial feelings I have for you. But they would change at any moment. There’s too much inside me. Would you like some? I have enough for both of us and more to spare. 

You want to rescue and I’m in need of rescuing. But I gotta rescue myself this time. I’m doing my best over here, so please notice me. Acknowledge me. Love me the way I want to be loved so my pain and suffering can finally end. But it’s endless. My heart breaks every day.