Hey everyone, I’m new here. Just looking for some support. What has helped you to keep going when you don’t want to? I have a full time job, work 9-5 M-F, and the main thing on my mind through most of it is just wanting to give up and be a bum again. 

A little backstory to myself and why I am this way. 

I have always been the sad friend (love it). The friend that makes self deprecating jokes to make everyone laugh. Well in the past 3 years, I have lost 3 grandparents and numerous pets. From July of 2019 to September of 2020, I took care of my grandma full time. She was on in home hospice care. Every day for over a year I would have to go to her house anywhere from 4-12 times a day, to make her food, change her clothes/bedsheets, drain her catheter bag, clean her up after she used the bathroom, etc. I mean, literally everything, she was on in home hospice care after all. And don’t get me wrong, I loved my grandma more than anything in the world, we even shared our birthdays♥️. She was my best friend. But that shit is hard, and I was miserable after a few months. My daily routine was waking up whenever my grandma needed me, so literally anytime, 1am, 3am, 6am, 9am, noon, 3pm, 6pm, 11pm, literally anytime, and for whatever she needed-even if it was just because she dropped her tv remote-. I had no one else who cared to help, well, I was supposed to have my uncle to help, but he is an alcoholic and took his anger out on my grandma, Which made it even worse. Anyways, through that year and a few months, I went from a pretty content, happy person, to an extremely depressed, hopeless, and lost person. I had to listen to my grandma screaming that she wanted to die, crying every day because she was so miserable. It was damaging for both of us. She was still my best friend and I obviously would do anything for her, but it really screwed me up. I lost my grandpa in Nov of 2019, my grandma in September of 2020, and my other grandma, just last month, Feb 2nd, 2022. 

I don’t feel like myself anymore, losing so many important people and animals lead to me developing Binge eating disorder on top of my depression, anxiety, and insomnia. 

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again, or even remotely close. I don’t live for the same reasons I used to. Now I’m just here because I’m here. I’m so alone, I hate my birthday now because my grandma isn’t here to celebrate with me. 

I’m miserable in my own body because of my ED. I Blame myself for both my grandpa and my grandmas deaths. My grandpa would have probably lived longer if I wouldn’t have guilt tripped him into going to the hospital when he broke his back, he died in that same hospital about a month later. My grandma? Idk, I would get grumpy sometimes when I was taking care of her and she’d cry with guilt. How terrible of a person am I? 

I keep myself awake with these thoughts all of the time. And I can’t even cry anymore because I’m just so damn numb. 

Don’t even get me started on how my parents used to beat me and emotionally abuse me. I don’t have any self worth because it’s been so beat down by them over the years. I truly don’t think I am loved and I don’t think I’ll ever be loved again. I also don’t think I’ll ever find love. I’ve never been in a relationship and to be completely honest, relationships scare me. I don’t really know why, can’t put a name on whatever the reason is. Im just scared. I hate being alone but I also find comfort in it. 

I just want to be able to enjoy my life again. I’m almost 21 years old and I’m so damn miserable. I’m so tired. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you actually read this, if not, totally understand and I hope you all have an amazing day.♥️