I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. I recall sitting on the playground in elementary school on the slide not wanting to join my friends in football because I just felt empty and down. Fast forward to being 22 and that feeling has never left me. Sure there’s been fleeting moments of joy, but they are far and few between. Just temporary spikes of dopamine. Will I ever be able to have a calm/relaxed mind? Will I ever actually *want* to be with friends or family or try something new? I’m on a medication that makes me stable at least, less major episodes than I would have not being on it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is great, but it doesn’t change the fact that my brain is the way it is. Techniques and coping mechanisms are great, but that’s all they are. Coping for the bigger issue that seems to haunt me wherever I go and whatever I choose to do. Hell, I had everything at one point. Was “on top of the world”, or should’ve been. Even in the moments when everything was seemingly perfect (minus those quick hits of dopamine that come with incredible achievements), nothing felt good or fun or happy. 

I just want to be content. Will I ever be able to?