Trigger....medicine, depression.

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I hate how numb they make me feel and I havent taken them for about two months...but I had my picture taken today while sitting with some family and you can see the pain in my eyes, my face is different in so many ways from before, the light has gone out in my eyes, hair thinning from stress and Im hiding a deep depression from my family, they see me smiling but if they only knew what im going through inside. I want to disappear (you know what im talking about) but I could never do that, I cannot make peace with my situation and im afraid it will consume me before its over, so in order to function and bring "me" back I took my medicine. I need to stay vigilant that it doesn't make me sink, because it can go both ways sometimes and i will find myself crying over nothing. Never in a million years did I think I would ever be this bad.