My sister said something recently that keeps running through my mind. To preface this, I'll let you know that the women in my family suffer. Myself included. My sister is handicapped and an amputee. My mom has a torn meniscus that she needs surgery for. My aunt has terrible diabetes and is a breast cancer survivor. And I have severe chronic pain and crippling depression and anxiety. 

On to what my sister said. It was Christmas day and she and my mom were talking about us and the suffering we go through. My sister said if she could she would take all our collective suffering and place it on herself. She is strong enough to handle it. She'd rather take it all then see us all suffering.

I keep thinking about that. I didn't say this out loud, but I thought to myself "I would never do that". I couldn't. I can't even handle my own suffering let alone someone else's on top of mine. And it made me realize how awful I am. I'm selfish. I let my pain and misery get the best of me.

I'm very judgmental about my sister. I don't like how she treats her pets, how she's raising her child. Her relationship with her boyfriend and how she lets him walk all over her. I'm judgemental about my mother. I'm judgemental about my aunt. I realize I don't care enough. I've become so jaded and cynical about my own suffering that I don't want to see or feel anyone else's.

I realize no one deserves their suffering in my family but me.  No matter how I feel about my sister, or what she's done, she'll always be a better person than me just because of what she said. They're all better and stronger than me. I'm not a good person and I deserve what I'm getting. It's a punishment. I'm burning in hell while I'm still alive and I'll go to the real one when I'm dead.