I'm 19 now. basically "depression" started when I was 15 and my father made me act like an adult when I wasn't. he calls me lazy when I once said I might be depressed. I wouldnt call myself lazy bcuz I do tasks he asks me to do. but everything I say to him (my plans, actions, achievements) he turns it upside down and makes me feel bad about them. I lost motivation in school, hobbies, even hanging out with friends. I started cutting ties with people because like my father said they can't be trusted one day they will betray you. I had a lot of different hobbies, most of them were good like programming, 3d modeling, photography, video editing, riding bicycle. but he knew about these hobbies so they're bad now. I started smoking. started lying how good my life was. making fun of others. and I'm kinda addicted to these bad things I do. I sometimes want to kill others with no reason. but mostly I wanted to kill myself. I burned my skin just to forget emotional pain now it's a big scar on my hand. I feel like I'm going backwards. I just want to know how can I go forward, make myself ready for life and not go to deep shit.