I’ve lived alone during covid and I am extremely grateful I have been able to without having financial issues as I’ve kept my job with WFH. And my family is controlling and really makes my anxiety bad so it’s worked out that I’m not living with them. However, not being able to do normal social activities as often has really taken a toll on me as I am sure it has with many others by making me feel isolated especially since I am used to being in a social office setting. Something I’ve struggled with, even before covid, was having lots of friends but them bailing on plans, making plans without me, etc.

I seem to have this huge fear of rejection which makes me want to make plans even less. In October my ex broke up with me and he was rather snarky a lot of times when I asked him to hang out with me, saying things like he doesn’t want to see me - our relationship had lots of ups and downs but that’s beside the point. I’m dating someone else now and we have a long hang out once a week or so because he works a lot. He sleeps over so this works out for me and he always makes me feel respected about making plans - even if he was busy he always says me wants to see me more and misses me etc he never makes me feel bad. I also do enjoy having time to myself for self care, chores, walks, TV, games, etc. I have so many ways to keep myself busy. 

But I still find myself yearning for more socially distanced interactions with my friends whether it be meeting 6 feet apart outside or FaceTime calls. I feel like I missed out because I’d try to get friends to go out before covid and they’d bail or not want to (not always but quite often) and now I can’t even do those things anyways. I miss people and want to be around people I’m close to more but I keep feeling like they don’t want me around? Which is probably my anxiety speaking, everyone gets busy. So how do I stop making this about myself? I’ve asked so many different friends to FaceTime and the answer is always the same - “we totally should!” And when I try to schedule something it’s just silence. I do have some friends who initiate seeing me but they’re always flakey in one way or another and I get that things come up but I am so tired of looking forward to something that just gets cancelled... so now I don’t want to talk to or make plans with any friends until I get super lonely and inevitably do... sigh. Like I live by the Rockies and want to do more mountain trips this summer and I already did go alone once recently, but it’s not safe to do most hikes alone and I can’t rely on my relationship for every single thing I want to do - I’d like to go with friends as well. I hate how anxiety always makes me feel like I am a burden