I have no friends, no partner, am on the line of overweight/obese, and so much more. And the way I got to this state of living isn't because of some trauma I've undergone or that I've had my heart broken. No, it's because of my own actions, or rather inaction.

I never had friends growing up and still don't because I never made the attempt to make any. I was shy and just kept to myself for all of my schooling. I basically lived, and still live in, a bubble of my own making. I wasn't sheltered by my parents. I made a shelter all on my own. Why, you ask? Well because I was afraid. Afraid of being rejected and made fun of. So, I just kept my head down and carried on in silence.

And, as a result of living in my own shelter, I've become lazy. Sure I take care of my hygiene and am generally nice to people. But to take that extra step and change, it's like a wall comes up in front of me every time that I can't get around or over. As if undertaking such an effort would be asking for too much.

Do I NEED friends? No, I suppose not. As long as I have a place of my own to come home to, that's enough. But what I really want more than anything is love. True love. Sure I'm loved by my parents and family, but that's of course not the kind I'm talking about. I want to wake up next to someone and be truly happy about my circumstances and feel safe and secure knowing everything is going to be okay. Instead, at the moment, I wake up wondering what I'm going to screw up today.

This may sound like an easy feat for most of you and probably is. And I'm probably a fool for putting all of this out there. But I'm just tired. Physically and emotionally tired. All the time. And the solution for fixing my tiredness seems so easy on paper. But, like I said, any time the thought of actually going through with it enters my head, a wall comes up to stop me.