I'm tired. I feel like I'm not getting better or growing or making better choices or whatever. I woke up tired and anxious as hell and had had that taught, itchy spot in my chest that lets me know I'm anxious but that I also want to scratch hard enough til I bleed to try to get the anxiety out. I left my work today having cried for a half hour on the phone with my friend, feeling low and tired and just, tired of me. I'm lonely, I'm useless, and I don't see myself getting better.
I'm no contact with my parents. My other family members are doing their own lives, and my friends have their own lives too. It's just me and my dog, and he's my best friend but I always doubt I'm doing right by him. 

I just wish I was getting better, and could have a more normal life. Not having to triple check everything all the time, feeling like taking care of myself and my apartment. I want to clean, I want to be on time, I want to paint again. I just. Don't, or can't. I'm disappointed in myself. 

Thanks for letting me vent. Thank you