I am fighting many mental battles today, and a physical one as well. I feel like I am starting to lose myself into the evitable black hole of shame and guilt.

I called my spouse, who has been gone well over the time they said they would be, and asked when they would be home. They could not answer the question, but told me to go ahead and have dinner without them. I asked if I could order myself pizza and have it delivered. They said, "If you want to do that, go for it! It's up to you."

Cut to myself 10 minutes ago, I literally had a crying match against myself over if I deserved to buy pizza and get it delivered. I could not convince myself that I was deserving of it.

But I just did it. I bought the pizza and paid for the outrageous delivery fee so I do not have to go out while I feel like shit. I am ordering myself to not feel guilty. I did not need permission to buy the dinner I wanted. I did not ask or plead, nor did I need to ask or plead for the dinner I wanted. I am still arguing with myself a bit, but hopefully the discussion ends after I finally eat (it has happened in the past).

Just know that you deserve to order and enjoy the dinner (or any meal) you want today. You are allowed and deserving, even if your brain says you do not.