IDK if any of this will make sense or just sound like ramblings but...

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DAE just feel like going completely silent for no reason from time to time for an extended period of time? Not for attention or to see who will chase after, follow or care. But like on social media and with friends it becomes exhausting to keep face and keep up just being positive or seeming like you're okay or happy. 

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I know that with BPD, we're more inclined to want people to check up on us but sometimes just responding to people feels difficult and a simple nod or "ok" is not going to be enough, so it becomes exhausting having to keep up with more complex conversations or just having to communicate with people in a normal way in general. 

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There is a feeling i get sometimes where i just don't feel like using verbal expression so i'd rather just use body cues like hugging or holding hands or just sitting next to those close to me in person but not really saying anything. There is often a pressure sometimes to say something interesting, speak about something funny or entertaining or current to be able to match others out there and i can do that but at the same time i feel like i get burnt out so insanely quickly and i retreat into my own isolation to get a break and just take a breather but then the people around me are left wondering where i am and what suddenly happened. 

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I don't know what to do tbh, i feel like i disappoint those around me with this kind of illogical behavior but at the same time i get exhausted so quickly just having to shuffle through so many people at the same time...and if something is happening in another friends life i feel bad if i'm not there for them or i miss out when they need me most. 

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it's exhausting. Idk what the word to even describe this feeling would be..but does anyone else experience this? What do you do? How do you cope? Why does this happen? I don't really understand it all that well and i feel like i disappoint those closest to me with my ever changing moods : "you were fine just yesterday night! what happened? " .. i don't know how to say "it's just me", without them asking for a deeper explanation but i'm too exhausted to explain anyway. 

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