I am very alone, more than I've been in a very long time. I am miserable, and lonely. From the outside perspective it probably doesn't seem that way; I have a good job, I am relatively fit, and I'm not really short of anything material in life. All in all, an average middle class person.

I'm not able to hold on to friends for any extended period of time. Every time I start getting close to people, it all sort of fades away. I find myself apologizing constantly for every single thing to happen, even things I don't think were my fault. I know - if everyone seems to be avoiding me, then I'm probably the problem. I've tried being more more social, I've tried being more subdued, and I always try my best to empathize with how the opposite person sees something. Nothing really seems to change anything. The few social groups I have been a part of, I felt that I was just tolerated, rather than liked. Everyone assumes I must be around because I am someone else's friend. I stopped showing up to anything a while back. I am exhausted of this. In my early thirties and ready to surrender.

I'm sitting here alone tonight, and realizing that in a sort of way, I almost find this comfortable. This is right, this is how its supposed to be. I'm alone and that's just the way things will be. I don't need to keep trying or keep bothering. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but maybe I would describe it as feeling validated, or satisfied. My whole life I've know there's something wrong with me, I know I'm not like everyone else and I won't be accepted, and I've been right all along. I'll have my quiet life in my own little corner of the world. I think everyone else will be better off. It's not anyone's fault - I've mostly only known kind and generous people in my life. It just wasn't right, I suppose. I knew it the whole time. I'm really tired.