Let me preface this by saying I am not diagnosed (nor am I self-diagnosing), but I relate heavily to the BPD experiences I've seen. I was considering whether I should bringing this up with my therapist (finally starting therapy soon, woo!).

I'm in a long-distance relationship with an extremely supportive and patient person. They don't take my meltdowns to heart (I just had one last night because it was my birthday, oof...)--though, I'm also careful to remind them that my meltdowns are due to my own deeply rooted insecurities and have nothing to do with my partner. I try very, very hard to practice open and non-violent communication in my relationship. I just get hit with a freight train of emotions sometimes (*often*, these days :/) that I can't seem to get a handle on. I can't meditate my way out of an overwhelming episode of sobbing, recounting on how worthless I am, and wishing to die. Luckily, I can usually keep these meltdowns to myself, and it seems that they end as quickly as they start.

Leaving the honeymoon phase has been an extremely difficult transition, and I've been getting triggered constantly it seems. My partner is also significantly more busy right now with their already demanding job. So, our romance and lovey-doveyness and intimacy has decreased. Therein, I've noticed a pattern that really worries me.

Basically, my brain creates narratives constantly. When my partner and I are being sweet and super connected and intimate, then I feel absolutely on top of the world. We're so in love. We're going to be together forever. This is my forever person.

But, as soon as we aren't, then I feel resentful. It could be literally the next day. I instantly feel distant, worry that I love my partner more than they love me, assume they're losing interest, etc. Again, there's zero evidence for this actually being the case. It's something subconscious that I can't seem to logic myself out of. I KNOW that my partner doesn't stop loving me when they get busy. But my brain still creates narratives telling me that I will be abandoned soon.

I wish I could just be comfortable in this new comfortable stage of our relationship. The anxiety feels so overwhelming at times. Sometimes, the narratives my brain creates become so strong that I actually start to believe them, and I end up asking my partner for reassurance that they still love me or (if it's bad enough) having a meltdown in front of my SO. 

Do y'all relate to my experiences?