Some quick background on my status as a borderline. When I was thirteen my best friend at the time suggested that I may be developing BPD and it turns out she was right. I spent the majority of my teenage years in interpersonal chaos, suicidal ideation, and self harm. I had a very toxic relationship with my alcoholic father and still do despite him being sober for two years. I don't talk or associate with any of my family, and I don't have any friends. I've been in therapy for a year, I absolutely love my therapist, I've become more spiritual and I would venture to say that I am the furthest along in my recovery than I ever have been.

I started having jobs when I was fourteen and I am now twenty one. I've had at least a dozen jobs. It usually ends in me having an episode and pulling a no show, because I feel too overwhelmed to be able to work. I recently got a new job and really love working there. My boyfriend just admitted to me that he has feelings for another girl who he was talking to in a period where we were broken up, who I have been consistently jealous of his friendship with as is. While I was beyond grateful for his honesty, I was hurt enough to become suicidal and consider inpatient for the first time since I was eighteen. I told work that I was going to the hospital, but still haven't. I don't think I need inpatient now, but I do need something to calm my nerves until I can contact my therapist tomorrow. My boyfriend and I have decided to commit and work through this, but I am very unstable and my rational wise mind comes and goes.

I also need a few days off and though I told them that I want to talk to them about what is going on, I am terrified of getting fired and the feelings of worthlessness and financial problems that will ensue. I live with my boyfriend and his mom, and I worry about what she thinks of my hopping to job to job. Between the situation with my boyfriend and potentially losing (another) job, I've been constantly on the verge of another breakdown. It's now been a full twenty four hours.