I second guess myself. I feel the need to accommodate people almost to a fault. I get myself so worked up in my head that sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore. It bothers me so bad. 

I hate how I had to adjust my behavior growing up to handle my mom and my father, how to get through the abuse. But I am so scared people walk on egg shells around me. I am so afraid of being my mom. And the more time goes on - the more I don’t know if that’s possible. She might have won. 

I just want to disappear. I want to vanish, go into the woods - live off the grid and write, research history and just enjoy nature. In the past I think that’s what people did who were so abused they just needed solitude. I miss that peace. I miss my friends and family seeing that deep seated peace within me. It’s been a very long time since I have felt it.

I miss the feeling of trees around me, the rustle the leaves make. I miss hearing the shores of Lake Michigan beating against the shore in the distance. I want to vanish and forget all of this hurt and heartache and fully be immersed in the moment. But I can’t. Not in this society. I miss being at peace. I need it. 