She dared to challenge my belief and showed me compassion and love that I'm not entirely sure how to convince myself I'm worthy of. She doesn't lie to me and her earnesty insists that I believe but my mind is blown, quaking like the leaves shaking in the breeze. She took her time to assure me that I'm not a witch with a broom and hat casting evil spells onto my own existence as my cackling laughter wanes into the distance. She told me it's a hard way to be when you hide in the shadows miserably because you're afraid of what your own eyes will see and the light inside them dims inevitably as you sit alone; an addict in bad company.

If I am not a bad broken person, who am I really? If I am not made of tangled thoughts intertwined, what am I really? If I am not wading through hellfire and smokey destruction, where am I really? If I am not able to feel anything at all, how am I really? If I am not here to suffer my punishment, why am I? Really...

If I am worthy of light and happiness, why am I such a chaotic mess? If I am weak and I shiver and shake, how am I holding the weight of every mistake I make? If I am ever going to learn to live in peace, when will I quit banging the battle drums and dance to my own beat? If I am blank inside instead of dark, am I a fresh canvas lit up by a spark? If I am not the color of trash, I am the shade of the darkest ash. If I am not an imploding star, why is my creativity so charred? If I am sliced open, torn up and scarred, will I then be a work of art?

If I am actually deserving of love, I am the rain and the clouds above. If I am pouring myself out and upside down, you'll see a smile while I wear a frown. If I am empty and cannot go on, I am the shell of a silent yawn. If I am not who I thought I was, I am anyone, everyone, him, her, them, and us.

If I am not myself, I am a book sitting on the shelf.  If I am opened up and my pages are bare, I am a story that's told everywhere. If I am judged for my tattered cover, I am just like any other. If I am discarded and tossed aside, I am quick to run and hide. If I am dog-eared and written inside, am I supposed to be full of pride?  If I am full of the dreams of another, I am not myself if I am my mother.

If I am here and you are there, can you help me find some hope somewhere? If I am not bad, mad, or sad, how will I convey the struggles I've had? If I am awake because I cannot sleep, I am all the secrets I've had to keep. If I am lost and wandering around, will I ever be rescued and found? If I am cozy, safe and warm, I am a rose with extra thorns. If I am mixed up and old someday, my mistakes aren't washed away. If I spent my life on finding my way, I am tomorrow, I am a new day.

If I begin to believe in my heart, hope is the bullseye and I am the dart. If I am blinded by the light, I am the seer without the sight. If I can't close my eyes at night, I am too tired to put up a fight. If I am a bird in the sunny sky, my wings will melt if I soar too high. If I am a fish in the sea, I am caught in the nets trying desperately to get free. If I am a spider and life is the fly, why am I letting it pass me by?

If I am difficult and complicated, is my crisis validated? If I am not feeling like anyone at all, I am the peeling paper on the wall. If I am dilapidated and condemned, people are not allowed to come in. If I am silent about my pain, am I strong or am I insane? If I let doubt spread like cancer, only hope begs the question of "is love the answer?" If I think in have it figured out, am I supposed to stand up and shout? If I am clueless and dazed and confused, I am an abuser and I am the abused.

If my time must end too soon, I will sleep in the stars and rest my head on the moon. If I am for way asking too much, I am a child who needs soft touch. If I am spreading myself too thin, I will lose and defeat will win. If I am unsure and unconfident, I will deny the compliment. If I am questioning everything, I am a cat named Curiosity. If I am upset with answers I find, I am a word that is undefined. But if I am able to suspend disbelief,  I am a contented sigh of sweet relief. 