sometimes leaving the house, i feel lonelier than if i stay. it's a menacing vicious cycle. it's not that i hate being alone. i hate feeling alone. 

i feel like i'm living a 'supporting role' in my own life, or spectating it, and not taking or living. i've never felt a connection with anyone my age. i grew up largely sheltered, moved out of town at a young age, and always struggled to make new friends. but i can't blame that on parenting. i just wish i could go back, and teach myself to be a normal human being. 

yet, now i'm 19, and just feel so out of depth. i turn 20 in a week + it's pure dread. i feel like i've had the world in my hands and dropped it. my life has been a perpetual series of 'until then', 'eventually' and so forth. i'm tired of killing time. 

i try to get out, but seeing people, especially those younger than me - stabs a painful jealousy + yearning for the youth i didn't have. i'll never have friends to laugh and say 'remember then?', it's just all been white noise.

take care of yourselves, anyway. thanks for letting me vent a little &lt;3