I'm scared I'm going to start hurting myself again. And I don't want to tell my SO. I don't want to bother her with my bullshit. She already has enough to deal with. She has BP2 and I'm worried if I talk to her about it, she'd either feel guilty about the fact that she didn't notice how bad I've gotten (I've hidden it so she wouldn't see) or she would break up with me. And she is so busy. She doesn't have time for this stupid shit. 

But I don't have anyone else I trust. Things are getting so difficult. She has a new job and it's so far from me. We never see each other anymore. I'm so scared she's going to realize I'm just not worth the trouble. Because honestly, I'm not. My PTSD is causing the nightmares to worsen. I'm not sleeping. The anxiety has me so nauseous, I'm not really eating. And my adhd won't let my brain relax. I feel like I'm going crazy. 

I sent her a few texts this evening letting her know I'm having a hard time and I need to talk, without too much detail so I could gauge her reaction. I still haven't heard back. 6 hours later. I guess I know what her reaction would be if I were to tell her everything. I mean, I pretty much told her how scared I get sometimes and how I don't know what to do. And she didn't respond. If our roles were reversed I'd be right there for her. I'm so tired of giving everything to everyone and getting nothing but crumbs. I know she cares for me a great deal. But I think I'm just so needy, I need more than anyone could ever give. I imagine it's exhausting to be with me. To constantly have to let me know that she's there. I just wish I could be fucking normal