[M 23 with Bipolar 1]

I feel lost idk if it’s a result of my depression but I don’t feel anything right now I don’t feel either sad or happy I’m just existing if that makes sense, none of my usual hobbies give me pleasure at all and I’m struggling to find excitement or a spark in my life, I don’t have a direction in life at all my learning disability prevents me from participating in college and I don’t have an exact interest or talent that propels me to feeling like an a productive member of society (I apologize if that didn’t make any sense) I used to work for ridesharing platforms that paid decently well but I eventually got fired for reasons out of my control plus I realized it wasn’t worth slaving for those companies, I spend most of my days online constantly looking for answers on how to elevate my life and figure out a career for myself but nothing I’ve found gives me a sense of direction, I don’t have answers and neither does my family or psychiatrist/counselor I fear that I’ll be stuck in mediocrity for the rest of my life and it bothers me damn near everyday, It bothers me to the point of wanting to hurt myself while also having constant suicidal thoughts I know that sounds crazy but I genuinely hate being stuck with no direction in life it hurts my soul if that makes any sense, honestly I’d rather be dead then continue to living a long life this way, I need something to be excited about and I need to feel like a person who knows who they are and whom they want to be, I’ll continue to take my meds and seek psychiatric help but I’m very close to checking out I’m tired of feeling empty