It went on from September of last year to early January. I always thought I had issues with consistency when the reality of things is I don't cause God knows how consistent I am when it comes to self-destruct. He had a girlfriend and had this facade in which he also believed in of being a horrible, sex crazed monster. He had 2 phones : one for the "hoes" and one for his girl, family, work and friends. Disgusting, right? It was worst. He played every single girl on his path, had sex with them all, his other phone was filled with nudes, chats and dating apps. He was physically gorgeous and since I hate myself I was drawn to him like I hadn't been drawn to anybody in a really long time but we clicked the minute we met yet he made a huge mistake. One time while we were hanging out he says "I enjoy crushing women's heart, it gets my d hard when they submit physically and emotionally to me and when they reach that point I drop them. That's all I'm interested in". In my mind he had declared war: I started looking through the cracks, reading him like a book, I became the worst version of myself with him, I destroyed him with such a pleasure that makes me question myself as to whether I became a sociopath through that period of time. He was a detailed mirror of my every single flaw, he was the rotten part of me in flesh so all I had to do to drive him insane was do to him what I never in a million years would want done to me. The inconsistency and ambivalence I'd show towards him drove him insane, the man who never bows down to no woman was suddenly blasting my phone with messages "why aren't you replying to me? What have I done?", I've played with his obvious co-dependence issues and it worked. It all worked. He'd do crazy things to see me, drop off his girl to work, drive an hour to come to my house and go back after an hour and a half every single sunday. I talked him into a threesome not for the threesome per se but to see his jealous rageful face, to watch how this "pervert", "sick" and "animal" couldn't get an erection at the sight of another man fucking me. The more we went on the more dim grew the light in his eyes but he still wouldn't let go of me. I've treated myself badly throughout the years but never have I crossed the lines I crossed with myself towards him. We got a pregnancy scare and that same afternoon before seeing only one line on the test he told me with a terrified tone of voice barely looking at me "I'd wanna keep the baby if it turns out you're pregnant". I seemed hesitant and disgusted by the idea and he immediately changed his mind. I became the number one chick to him, he started talking about leaving his girl for me and the more he submitted the more I'd kick him in the face, the more I treated him a like a dog, the more stories he'd tell me about how he played innocent girls the more my urge to destroy him grew stronger. Each time I knew I'd cause some sort of pain in him I felt as if I had snorted the purest cocaine. I've never felt so high in my entire life. He got to the point where his mood depended on my mood. I once complimented him for handling in the right way a situation at work and he because euphoric. To test the accuracy of the theory I then belittled him on something and the euphoria had vanished in the blink of an eye. I was winning the game. I once managed to find his ex's Facebook account and all I wanted to do was reach out and tell her she didn't deserve that scumbag : after almost 3 years of relationship one of his girls texted her the whole truth. She looks like an angel on earth and my soul cried thinking about that pretty face in tears over a piece of shit. He thought to be a manipulative monster but I managed to strip him out of his ideas and I unveiled him for what he really was : just a scared kid that thought so low of himself and his potentials that his only way to feel good was to show himself he could have any woman's heart but feeding the ego is a never ending task as it never gets full. I, on the other hand, did manage to bring him to his knees in a sense. Especially when I told him my train was leaving in 20 minutes and he drove like fast in furious to come say hi to me for 5 minutes and I didn't even make the effort to meet him at the front door of the station, I just left. To which he reacted like a beaten up dog, as If I told him to come. He grew terrified of me, my opinions, my actions, my cold blood and my brutality. He was I dropped him at the beginning of January as he was slightly growing distant and had to check mate before he could figure out a way but I did cry all evening about it but truly forgot about his existence all at once after two days. In spite of all of this I must admit that I had good times with him. One big thing that brings people together is pain and we shared similar ones. My shitty side came out wild while with him. When I started seeing a different guy in January this dog contacted me again in search for sex and I told him I had someone. He started manipulating me saying "you know I love you and care about you so I must tell you that he's most likely using you for sex", yeah right, he shouldve known better than to try and trick me into running back into his arms. I then met my current boyfriend (first real relationship I ever had) at the end of January and everything changed : this man brings out the best of me and I've felt as if I had some spiritual awakening since I met him. I can recognize when I start being toxic, where the toxic cycles come from, I just became more self aware all together and I'm working on myself for the sake of our relationship. I met my lover and my best friend and most likely the father of my kids yet I think about that dog every once in a while. I unblocked him two months ago just to see how long it would've taken him to realize it and after 10 minutes he texted me "what's up? You good?" And blocked him again. Pathetic. I want nothing to do with him ever again. So I guess it's the power I miss and not him as a person? No idea. I used to thrive on power and now that I'm a relationship that's about standing side by side and not one above the other it feels weird. Guess my spirit goes back to that old state to catch a breath in the comfort zone as stepping out of it in order to grow brought a great deal of pain. As for things are today, i am no better than that guy. Should've dropped him when he said "I have a girl" but taken men were a nice challenge for me. If I could go back in time I wouldn't do a thing. I wouldn't take advantage of someone that was clearly blind to his own pain and just found a way to ease it. I tried sometimes to make him open in eyes in the few moments of humanity I had but he never made an effort to even take a peak at what lays beyond his eyelids. I sometimes feel terribly ashamed of what I've done. It was a coward, disgusting act but I guess that the fuel was him being similar to my dad and me hating my dad for all the trauma he caused to me and my mother. Revenge is exhausting.