 

Earlier today, a string of revelations came at me all at once. 

I don't think I've *ever* apologized to anyone I've discarded without wanting, even just a little bit, for the apology to coerce them into feeling guilty or come crawling back to me. Sure, in moments of clarity, I've realized what exactly it was I had done wrong, but to be honest I tend to be very self-centered and can always find ways that it was *maybe also a little bit their fault*. Like, think about just the worst YouTuber apology you can think of. 

Although I can control my outward anger better, inside I'm still the same, jealous, bitter, asshole that I've always been. 

I still stare at my FP's photo several times a day, even though I'm in a *very happy and committed relationship.* I haven't seen him in over two years, we barely knew each other, and he really doesn't like me anymore, which *of course* was completely justified. 

Last week, I decided that everyone in my life had failed me and deleted all my social media. 

And today all those mental structures, those crazy defense mechanisms I make myself go through every single day just to survive, came crashing down around me and now I'm just....empty. I was at work when everything came into focus, and I was having a hard time even looking at my name on the monitor. 

It was like I was inhabiting a strangers body. I've let myself go over the last year, I've been sleepwalking through life since I graduated college and I had my only purpose in life ripped from underneath me. *Oh no*, I thought, *you're not the smart kid anymore. You need to go be an adult.*  I don't think I know what sort of adult I'm meant to be. 


I think this is what I needed to get my ass back to therapy.