I am not sure whether to post this or what sort of response I’m hoping for honestly. The other night I watched the movie I Kill Giants with my partner. (Spoilers ahead possibly?) I sobbed. The whole movie really just ended up bringing up a lot of childhood feelings that I had forgotten. Once the movie was over I thought that was it, I had cried and the movie was over, my partner and I watched something else and ate dinner. Things moved on. 

The next morning I had therapy. Near the end of my appointment my therapist asked if me and my partner were watching anything during our weekend together since we were iced inside during that time. I told her about the movie and mentioned how much I could relate to the main character, Barbara, because I was 9-10 when my mom had cancer and was going through multiple surgeries, chemo, and radiation. The main character was bullied and outcast at her school for her interests, and I went through both at the same time as well though at a little bit younger of an age. I recommended it to my therapist (as I would to most people now). She said I hadn’t talked about my childhood at all and that if I was more comfortable next week that she would love to hear more about it since I had brought up the movie.

Again. I thought that was it. The day moved on and my partner and I played Majoras Mask. We watched some more tv. Eventually we went to bed, it was late and I was exhausted. 

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m laying in bed with my partner holding me, and suddenly I’m like a broken dam and I’m just sobbing. He did what he usually does and asked if I wanted him to keep holding me or if I needed space. (I’ve had anxiety attacks that start like that too and I just can’t be touched when those happen or else I just shut down) He told me I needed to talk to him about what was going on, and I struggled to get words out. All I was focused on was calming down as a priority, not whatever had made me cry. 

Once I calmed down a bit. I talked to him. It was hard. All I could really get out was -
“Have you ever just seen or heard something that reminded you of something painful, and then after that pain has come and gone- you think it’s over... but it’s not. Because the next time you get really tired or you go to bed when the things from the day have settled. All those emotions and memories and hurt come flooding back in? Because that’s where I’m at right now.”

And he said he didn’t understand because he had never had that happen before. But he said he was there for me. He expressed that I was safe now, and that everything was okay. He just held me for the rest of the night, and occasionally offered comforting words to me and little snugs and hugs. 

As I was still calming down after having said that though I managed to get out the part that hurt the most, and that was that I didn’t have a whole lot of memories from when I was a kid. So when memories did come back, like when something triggers the memory (something I see, hear or smell are the most common for me), I just feel a lot. It was just especially distressing because they weren’t pleasant childhood memories that came back. They weren’t pleasant feelings that I was remembering. 

I just felt like a small helpless child in my partner’s arms. I felt helpless. He made sure I felt safe. He made sure I was comfortable before instinctively going to physically comforting me. He talked to me and held me until I was calm enough to talk to him. The purpose of this isn’t necessarily to point out how great and loving my partner is, but I also don’t want it to go to the wayside because I appreciate him dearly. 

Anyway. I have plans with an old friend next weekend because I wanted to talk to her about the childhood pain and what I was feeling. I know we both grew up in somewhat similar households so I wanted her perspective on some things. 

I don’t know if I want advice. I don’t know if I just wanted to get this off my chest. All I know is I still hurt a lot. And I feel absolutely ridiculous that a movie was what brought all these feelings up. I don’t know what to do besides share this and maybe someone who was also been through something similar will know what to say or will appreciate the movie.