I was never fully diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but on a couple of my diagnosis papers out of all my hospitalizations, some of them did say I had a possibility of being Borderline because I have a lot of the Borderline traits.

When I had home-based therapy before switching to adult services my old therapist literally insisted I had BPD multiple times but I ***ALWAYS*** denied it because I thought those with BPD always showed their self harm to people and I never did (I’ve changed my views now obviously), and I always thought my mother was the one with BPD and I hate my mother. So basically I associated BPD with my mother and with black and white thinking I just labeled it “bad”.

Now it’s been awhile and since I’ve been in adult services I’ve changed a lot of my views and have grown more aware of myself. I took a look at my past actions and have thought, “holy cow my therapist was probably right and I was just in denial because of the fear of becoming my mother.”

But now here’s the part I’m confused about and I’m not sure if this is apart of my GAD, more than likely possible BPD, or both.

I feel like ***EVERYTHING*** I do is for attention or I’m just making things up for people to feel bad for me or manipulate them.

Like if I go to ask for help I feel like if I did I’d be being selfish and it would seem like I don’t care about the other person’s feeling’s. Like I feel so selfish even talking about myself that I try to avoid doing it but I feel like I always end up doing it anyways even though my friend clearly states that I don’t. Even mentioning the word, “I” makes me feel like I only care about myself and that I’m just a narcissist.

Now, I’m just over analyzing my emotions and thinking about the scientific reason behind why I’m like this and it’s making me go crazy because the reasons why I feel things is because my mind is lacking the positive attention and constant reassurance from others and it makes me feel so guilty to feel anything bad and it even makes me guilty to feel guilty.

Like I don’t know who I am anymore (this has happened more than once) because what I feel in the moment seems right, but then I end up hurting people when I don’t even mean to. It’s like I’m a completely different person and I feel like my subconscious controls me.

Everything I do is me just taking advantage and manipulating people to make myself feel better. Like I go to my friend’s house when I’m sad, but I feel like I just use her as an emotional cum rag and abuse her friendship even though she’s stated more than several times that I’m not like that.

But now my best friend is in the mental hospital (she deals with self harm too) and I’m completely miserable without her. I’ve been crying non-stop, not sleeping, not eating, having panic attacks. It’s horrible. I’m so worried about her, but what if in my mind I only miss her because I want her to feel bad for me, and me not feel bad for her. Idk, it’s crazy.

I have noticed I do idolize her (there was a point in time where I was so obsessive over her I thought I was in love with her, those were dark times and our friendship was teetering, but we good now), and since she’s been hospitalized I’ve been wanting to carve her name into my skin. I didn’t do that tho, it would be kind of creepy if I did. I looked up why people carve names into their skin and I read it was because of codependency and that just confirmed what I was feeling was true— and I’m just an overall toxic person.

I want to cut myself so badly, but I can’t because it’d look like I’m trying to copy her. Not to mention I can’t cut myself when I’m supposed to be the one helping her— all these feelings I’m feeling, everything is just so selfish and all I care about is myself when I need to focus on my best friend who needs me.

This is all so much and I miss her so fucking much. I feel like I don’t care enough about her even though I think I put her problems before my own (but I probably don’t and just think I do).

I’m in so much pain. She’s in so much pain. What can I do in order not to be hospitalized myself?