I usually don’t become angry or frustrated during appointments, however I saw my psychiatrist on Monday, and things didn’t go very well. I have been seeing her since January of this year, after my outpatient appointments ended with my psychiatrist I had as an inpatient in a hospital away from home, for treatment for my E.D.

Anyways, since I’ve gotten home in October, things have been getting steadily worse. I started using almost immediately after getting out of the hospital I’m pretty close to a full E.D. Relapse as my weight has been dropping (the only thing keeping me in check right now is college).

My psychiatrist broke the news to me on Monday that she is giving me one more chance as I have been ‘moving towards death’ as she calls it, and she thinks if she’s not helping me then there’s no point of me continuing to come see her. I don’t i wow what to do. She told me to continue getting medically monitored my GP, and to think about things I can do to help myself.

I really don’t know what to do at this point, and I’m actually a bit terrified. I disclosed to her that my suicidal ideations/thoughts have been increasing, my mood swings are unbearable, I’m splitting on everyone, my anxiety is at 100 24/7, and I want to rip my skin off, yet she is just kind of letting me go. I asked her if she would review my meds because something isn’t working and she said she didn’t want to ‘mess with anything’.

Finding a psychiatrist as an outpatient is extremely hard, and it usually entails a painstaking waitlist. I’m scared I’m going to end up self sabotaging since I’m so anxious, or worse.

Any suggestions, advice, comments are so greatly appreciated!