I used to be pretty bad with alcohol, and while I’ve never had a consistent drug problem, I’ve pretty much always done anything that’s put in front of me. But I tried to go completely sober about 10 months ago and haven’t had any of it since. I was hoping that it’d do all the shit the doctors and therapists all told me at various points, that it’d go at least some of the way to getting better or just feeling better or something. But it didn’t.

For the amount of fucking times I’ve heard “alcohol is a depressant”, I would’ve expected some kinda change from stopping it. But I’m more depressed 10 months clean than I’ve ever been my entire life before. No improvement to my mood whatsoever. Didn’t help the medication start to work like some doctors told me, and to this day no medication I’ve ever been on has had any effect whatsoever. Didn’t allow me to start “healing” from therapy because 10 months into being sober and the therapy still feels like a scam.

It’s looking very likely I’ll be in a homeless refuge before the month is up, and so I thought to myself “fuck it, might as well get drunk”. And it was the only time I’ve managed to feel anything even resembling happiness for a long time. I could actually laugh. Granted, it still felt mostly hollow, but it’s was better than the numb nothing I felt before. And it also reminds me that when I used to do this shit all the time, especially when I used to get high, I actually do remember feeling vaguely happy, at least till it wore off.

I’m not saying I’m gonna start doing it all the time again, or even do it again at all considering I don’t have the money for a habit like that anymore. But it genuinely makes me curious what the fuck is up. I trusted so called “professionals” back when I kicked it before, actually believed that if I gave it up they’d be able to help me, but they haven’t, I’ve only gotten worse. I’m constantly suicidal, I still can’t hold a job to the point of homelessness, I still can’t connect with people or be around them. I’m worse than ever. None of the treatments work. I get that all that shit kills you faster and is obviously bad for you in the long run, but why would I wanna live longer like this? I’ve got no desire to suffer through another 60+ years of this shit if no one can help me get better no matter how hard I try. Just another fucked up thing about this world I guess.