TL;DR: Anxiety

Long version: Ever since I was a kid, I've had anxiety, i believe the moment which gave me anxiety was when I was in 2nd year of elementary school, I was a little 7-8 year old boy who would just love to play pokemon, and then this teacher arrived.

She was mean, she was cruel, i would hate going to school every single day, for I would have to stand her belittling and screaming at all times, no matter how small my mistake was, it would always end with me crying and she scolding me in front of the whole calssroom. I would bawl my face out, and yet what i remember is the curious little stares of everyone else looking at me, i would be exposed in front of everyone, and that stood with me for the rest of my life.

Hence a small incident which makes me wonder why would I even be anxious; my school 2 years later would take the entire class to some field trips, everyone was excited, everyone loved getting out from having to sit all day long at a desk and write notes. I was with another teacher and in another state, yet my anxiety was still the same or even worse.

When I heard that we would go to a bakery store and see all the furnaces where bread would be made, everyone was ecstatic, yet me at around 9-10 years old was terrified, I wouldn't hate going out, i wouldn't hate having to have a change of my routine, I would love to go on field trips, yet, I was terrified, I remember the whole classroom wandering with the eyes of child's curiosity at every uncooked bread, how every worker would mold it into the shape of food, and yet, there I was, standing at a corner breathing deeply to contain my anxiety.

There was no reason at all to be nervous, I would just wander around, not catching anyone's attention, staying out from the hot scalding furnaces, everyone was smiling, but deep inside me, my mind was collapsing. There was no reason at all for this feeling of impending doom to get to me, and all that I had left at the end of the day, was an uncomfortable feeling, wondering what kind of anxiety the tomorrow would bring to me.

Fast forward years later, where I've barely managed to survive my crippling anxiety, every single day a battle ragins inside me would ensue forcing me to take small steps throughout my daily life. Sleep disturbed, nightmare prone, restless days, having to surround my life around having to tone down this terrible disease that life had brought upon me, an unfathomable curse which i would despise with every second of my life, but no matter how much I tried, it was always there, at the back of my mind, always watching, always letting me know how awful life's situations are.

I graduate from college, with a degree in hand, my knowledge all ready to face the world, but as soon as I step into the unknown a big space of work, I just couldn't fathom myself working, for I was small and coward, just wimping and wallowing at my own pitiful existance, where the mere thought of a job, would make me shiver and fill my head with all kinds of situations.

Being such a wimpy man, I spent the next 4 years procrastinating, always being asked "how's that job coming?" But I would always slip away with a small lie "I've sent so many resumes and no response" I keep on saying, over and over again. For how long would I be able to mantain this lie? Before my parents notice that I've been a parasite of their lives due to my own cowardice? I wouldn't have known, not until later on.

When i first talked to this Swedish girl, i felt an instant click Inside me, being a 28 year old virgin, I finally found true love, I finally was able to communicate with someone efficiently. My previous longest relationship was only a mere month and a half, and my first relationship lasted for only a week. I was thinking I was a loser at love, yet when this Swedish girl visited me, when I visited her traveling abroad for the first time, I knew what true love was like.

But she kept paying for all my expenses, she worked hard day and night to come see me, to be with me, and there I was, still cowardly not being able to get a job, she was 31 when I met her, and when I met her family, I felt the shame of having to tell them all that I was unemployed, not house, no car, still me living with my parents.

It was one morning, when suddenly a crushing realization came to me, something that I've lived within my entore life and went by every day without me noticing: I was feeling like a robot.

Well... The explaining, the idea of "not being present" suddenly dawned to me, I felt as if I was not in control of my own body, as if time passed so fast without me noticing, as if I was looking at myself in third person. The best way to describe it, is for me to put two examples: the movie click (2006) with Adam Sandler, shows a scene where the main character (himself) wants to skip the entire dinner with his in-laws, therefore using this control that allows him to fast forward just like a dvd movie, at one point, the main character's wife tells him about an important event that he should remember, yet he can't because he was in "automatic mode" that's how I feel.

The other example, can be found at black mirror's black museum episode, where technology has let researches to implan one's "consciousness" of deceased people into another person's mind, and later on into inanimate objects. The "consciousness" can watch life unfold before their bpvery own eye's via a small seat, like watching a movie at around complete darkness, that's how I felt, as if i had no control of my own actions, and as if i was watching myself through a movie theater.

The very next day, I knew what was happening to me, this is called "depersonalization/derealization's syndrome. Where one would feel as if they're "not experiencing" their own life, they are detached from oneself, and that's how I feel, a feeling I've come to try to fight, yet i haven't been able to defeat.

Under my own pressure and my girlfriend's pressure, i now have come to the realization that I have to find a real job, and being sleepless over it, I now start sending real resumes, and find the only job That replied back and hired me: a call center.

Big big mistake, since beggars can't be choosers, i take the job and an interview quickly ensues and there I go, all set to work for Verizon customer support. At a miserable rate of 1 and a half dollars an hour (salaries are different at my country) earning just a third of what I've seen customers pay monthly on their bills.

I've been taking calls for only 3 weeks, and it's absolutely terryfing, i lose sleep over it, like right now, me wirting all this at 3 in the morning, just dreading my workspace, dreading what the next client will say, dreading if the next customer will like the solution provided or will throw a fit over nothing. I hate taking calls, but i can't quit, since my girlfriend is now so relieved that i have finally found a job.

I'm doing this for her, I'm trying my best to control myself and keep my shit together. But every day is growing the anxiousness in me more and more, I've had nightmares, panic attacks, and everything over just some miserable calls.

Every day I have to work from 9-6, and all I do every day is to be looking  at my watch, count how many hours left for the end of the day to arrive, every single day when I wake up, I hate thinking that my shift will begin, and when it's over, I have to already go back to sleep and repeat the cycle, when the alarm sounds, my anxiety kicks in, and there I go, gagging while working, thinking that I will get scolded, that I will be belittled and yelled at by angry customers, and as much as we've been told that customers are angry at the company, not you, the feeling of being scolded and screamed at just makes me so sad, I hate it.

But what happened last saturday is what Is making me write all of this, a customer called and after trying to give her some solutions, she didn't accepted them and screamed at me, so loud and hard that I almost cried, I did managed to handle the situations... after three hours, my ears were hurting due to her screams, And I've had nightmares about it. What will the next shift bring me? Another customer who will scream at me until their throats are gone? It's simply exahusting to talk to angry customers.

But not only that, that call actually made the supervisor talk to me, where by a small mistake, I was given coaching over what should i have proceeded with, and if it happens again, I will get a pin on my self, where if i gather three pins, i will be fired, it has been o ly three weeks and i can't breathe over my job, why do i have to be cursed with this anxiety? Why?.

And now here I am, I believe i have caught Covid, my head is about to explode due to anxiety, i hope that it's just a headache and nothing else, but anxiety is killing me, it has been only 3 weeks, how can people stay years in this?.

I am listening to weightless by Marconi Unioni right now, it has now become the song i have to play the most, to relax myself, i know that call centers can be hell, i know that i would be able to overcome my anxiety and be able to work one day, yet, here I am, all ready to schedule a psychologist appointment, so I can do this race called life...

My girlfriend is very supoortive, everyone is very supooertive, yet, here I am, about to throw up, about to have a panic attack.

In the end, I feel as if i might be vanishing...