My boyfriend is getting tired of me. It seems like I am constantly jeopardizing our relationship because I constantly have breakdowns and crying episodes, but I don't know how to stop. I desperately want to start going to therapy to save our relationship, but I can't help but feel that the mental health system is fucking me over. 

I've been waiting to receive therapy and any kind of help for over a month, the most I have done is getting on phone calls with professionals to connect with other professionals to help me. The waiting process is absolute torture because I know the longer I wait, the more I ruin my relationship.

I love my boyfriend, I want to get better for myself and for him. I know I'm pushing him away because of the way I act, but I just want him to love me. When we're not together in person, he barely stays in contact with me over the phone. Hours can go by before he finally messages me back. It rips my heart apart but its not like I can confront him about this, because whenever I do - I go about it in the worst way possible. I cry my eyes out and I can feel my heart literally breaking into pieces when I try to talk to him about this. He always gives the same response, "I'm allowed to do what I want on my own time, I am allowed to have space to myself". I know that, but I wish you weren't pulling yourself away from me.. 

I don't know what to do anymore. When we fight he makes me feel like I am an absolute monster. I'm starting to believe I am a monster. Do I break up with him and try to move on so our lives can get better? I know dealing with me has not been easy for him at all, it helps to have family support but I don't have that at all, I don't even have a good relationship with my mom anymore. I constantly lean on him and all I'm doing is ruining what we have. 

I wish he could understand that when I am acting out, I just want to be loved and cared for:/