 This is x-posted from another sub but I thought maybe more people would relate to this situation here.

Just in case the flair doesn't give enough I wanna say this post contains a  discussion of being drunk, domestic abuse, a mental breakdown over food, ED, intentional self-harm, and threats of suicide.  

I \[f\] have been with my  partner \[m\] for almost two years. It's been rocky at times but mostly a  good relationship with good communication. I admit I have had some  unhealthy attachment to my partner at times. But mostly I've been  able to be mindful and not cause too many issues because of this.  I  have suffered from a Binge eating disorder for several years but  recently I've been trying to control my eating recently as my weight was  getting out of control. The story is basically over the weekend, my  partner invited me along to his friend \[f\] and colleague's party. I get  along with his friend, we bonded over shared experiences and she is a  really nice person. The night was going ok but I got entirely too drunk  and my partner offered me some food to try and sober me up a little. I  ate it and then it just caused some huge breakdown, I was begging him to  take the food out of my body, I was screaming just a whole mess. When  he couldn't help me I called him a load of horrible names which I have  NEVER done before. I called him abusive \[which he definitely isn't\] and  his friend's girlfriend said have you heard the way you're talking to  him? YOU'RE the abusive one. And I was really angry at this accusation,  though in hindsight she is right. I was calling him horrible names for  something that wasn't his fault, I was threatening suicide, I stole a  knife and self-harmed in the spare bedroom and while it is embarrassing,  it was also just disgusting behaviour on my part. I have never treated  him this way before and of course, the eating issues and alcohol play a  part in this, I feel like a horrible person \[because I did act like  one\]. I don't know how to redeem myself after this. He's not mad at me  and he's so patient and understanding and so undeserving of the way I  treated him like that. I just wanted to know if anybody else has acted  this horribly because of ED/BPD, whether combined with alcohol or not and  how you moved past it? Obviously I've decided to not drink alcohol again  as I clearly get out of control. But I am so disgusted and ashamed of  myself. I can't stop thinking about it. I know I'm not that kind of  person, but clearly, I am to have been able to act like that. I just  don't know what to do.