I’ve been dealing with depression since I was 14 (I’m 28 now) I tried to end my life several times but didn’t succeed. 

Before turning 20 I started going to therapy which helped me a lot, these past years I started to feel good with my life and everything around me.  

Everything changed 2 months ago, my older brother passed away and I couldn’t be with him, that’s something I won’t forgive myself. We were really closed. 

The last time I saw him was 2 years ago before covid,  I live in another country, 6000 miles away from home. I don’t have family here, just my bf. 

Suicidal thoughts have come to my mind again, I’m starting to feel lonely and depressed again, I just want to sleep all day and not doing anything, sometimes I forget my brother’s gone and I try to talk to him, then I realize he won’t answer his phone again and it kills me. 

I don’t know what to do, I can’t talk to my mom about this cuz she’s already suffering. My friends don’t understand what I’m going through, they just say “you should move on, we’re all gonna die some day”. 

I know I should go to therapy again but I can’t afford it now.