I don't know if I tagged this right pls if I didn't tell me and I'll change it.

As some backstory I'm a 22 almost 23 year old female with chronic migraines and arthritis, I have a driver's license but I'm terrified to drive alone and can't drive at night at all, I live with my mom and I have crippling anxiety.

As some more backstory which is specific so I'm putting it in its own paragraph. My family life was and is not the best for my mental health. My dad was abusive to us all growing up, my sister and I went to a very demanding high school that allowed not even one missed assignment, we lived 30 minutes drive at least from town and weren't allowed to use any of my dad's cars. So getting a job was not easy. My sister's both tried and mostly relied on friends to get to work but it wasn't reliable. One graduated and moved away to California with other family and the other moved out before graduating and it both took them awhile to get on their feet. Absolutely no judgment to them because we were set up to fail. I, unlike them, had such a crippling fear and embarrassment about getting a job and not having reliable way to get there. That fear and anxiety in turn triggered migraines which lead to me being afraid of missing days and lead to more anxiety, rinse and repeat. I always did odd jobs. Like dogsitting for family friends for 1 to 2 weeks around the holidays or when they had vacation. 

I had one 'real' job when I got hired for staples when I think I was 18 almost 19. It was. A disaster. I made it through the interview fine because even though I have crippling social anxiety it doesn't present in a way where people notice it sometimes. What I do is out of sheer extreme panic and anxiety I talk their ear off and it comes off as super social to some people. When I'm not and usually I end up going home and crying and panicking from just the sheer stress of it. Well I got the job and I kept telling myself it was fine it'd be fine. But as the first day crept closer it just went downhill. Panic set in hard, the expectations of my family, how I'd get there reliably, what about my migraines no one thinks thats a real disease/sickness, what about all the customers I have to talk to, the bright lights that can trigger migraines, or standing for hours(that becomes painful for me after about 4 and usually triggers a migraine), etc. So I panicked. Absolute full panic attack I was crying, hitting myself, hiding in my room. I texted my mom through absolute tears that I couldn't do it. And then I hid in my room the rest of the day and night just crying. I still haven't been able to go into a staples or think about one since.

I tried applying to jobs a few times over the years after that. But it just didn't go well. Especially since I had my older brother constantly bringing up the fact I was jobless at every social gathering. It made me feel like a failure and an embarrassment and a burden to my mom. I was so embarrassed and afraid of the expectations that I stopped applying to jobs because I didn't want to deal with him putting me down. I worked for him for a bit with his paintinf company and I liked it but the physical labor was too much. The bending up and down caused my arthritis to flare up and the next day I'd be unable to walk. Of course he told me I'm just not exercising enough and further invalidated my illnesses. He also doesn't really believe that I have migraines or that they're that bad, he thinks I pretend.

Years of that have lead me here. Almost 23 with no 'real' job. I keep saying it like that because that's how my brother words it every time. The last 2 years have been awful. I know they were bad for everyone but mine were just...too much. My parents divorced and my dad pulled so much shit, threatening to foreclose the house on us, my horse suspiciously died, etc. I was thinking we were going to have to move back to California to live with family and I'd lose everything I knew or that we'd be homeless. I was so stressed I ended up in the ER because I thought I was going blind. Fun fact, extreme stress can trigger temporary tunnel vision. Yeah very expensive way to find that out. The divorce is finalized but never really done since we are still fighting for stuff and where we are currently renting has it ups and downs. And I'm just scared because I can't deal with too many things happening at once it overwhelms me and makes me shut down.

Which leads to here. My mom's church has a thrift store that's designed to help people get on their feet and work there until they can get you on track for a long term job suited to your quirks and needs. I volunteered there for 4 hrs and I really liked it, the shifts would be 6hrs but I am concerned about them. Because after 3hrs with the mask and the lights I was getting a migraine so I'm concerned how ill do with 6hrs and 5 days a week. But I know that's incredibly lenient compared to most places and I am grateful for that. I had advil I take for migraines but I have a gagging problem with pills so it's extremely difficult for me to take them. I want to get back into my Dr about dissolvable pills and also monthly preventative meds for them but it's costly rn. But I don't want to put off getting this job as I know its a great opportunity.

I've been trying extremely hard to keep it secret I told a few online friends because I don't know them irl it feels...easier to open up to them like there's less expectations. But family wise I didn't tell anyone. Only my mom knew and I wanted it that way. I specifically told her not to tell my brother because just the thought I him knowing makes me start second guessing myself, panicking, crying and worrying about what comments he'll make. Well she told him. And he texted me and although it was nice he was asking me to come over to his house on the weekend. And I KNOW my brother. I know he will make a big deal out of me 'finally being an adult' and making snide comments the whole time. And I didn't want it to be a big deal I just wanted to be left alone I just wanted my privacy and to deal with it quietly. But now he knows and it absolutely made me spiral and just every mean demeaning thing he said to me came flooding back. All the doubt. And immediately it triggered a migraine from the sheer stress and anxiety. Of course I got shat on by my mom and brother for being upset that he texted me when it was 'just a nice text'. I was so upset I called my sister crying and felt forced to tell her about the job situation so she'd know why I was crying. So now 3 people know about it and God knows who else my mom told.

The guy is supposed to call me tomorrow. He called me earlier today(technically yesterday it's 1am)and I missed it because some shit hit the fan after the brother texting me incident. And it just. I haven't been able to sleep I'm stressing out so much I'm crying I'm scared. I'm scared ill fail again. Scared ill be useless forever.