Tw for post: abuse mentions, suicidal ideation mentions ----

i literally use this subreddit as like a friend to talk to lol i hate talking to ppl irl so here
first off my mom was watching this docu ab an abusive boyfriend and it showed graphic images of the abuse and showed re enactments of the situations he was gaslighting and abusing his gf and i just was frozen and sad bc i have a lot of trauma from an abusive bf and i just wanted to be around my mom (who is my fp) so i just sat and endured it just to be next to her.
then our lights went out, so me and her and my brother were all in the living room just talking bc there was not much to do since the electric had been out. and we started talking ab college and jobs and i adked my mom if she would kick me out at like 21/22 and she just blank stared at me. i am 19, i dont have a job currently nor in college. i have very on and off jobs because i often end up having an episode at work, or just stop going because of depression. its very hard for me to find a job esp right now and my mom knows this. we talk a lott ab my aspirations, i definitely want to go get a degree and move out. but as some of you may know it's extremely hard to endure work and schooling w all the commitment it takes and the pressure of it all. my mom has been very understanding of it and just tonight she just seemed so annoyed and said wel you just gotta do it and bla bla and i would appriciate no judgement on it, its something i beat myself up about a lot. but i want to just dissapear, i cant handle the stress of life and knowing im just gonana fail at everything or end up
homeless. i want to die so bad.