Trigger warning. Lots of different triggers - sexual assault, binge eating, drinking, drugs.

For the last year I convinced myself I no longer had BPD, that I "grew out" of it like some people say you do, or that I was misdiagnosed because I'm now fully functional compared to before. I'm now working full time, the binge eating isn't as bad as it was, the binge drinking has pretty much stopped (though I do get completely wasted once in a whike, usually when I hate my job and wanna leave or feel so alone). The biggest thing that made me convince myself was the fact that I can be alone now. I've been single for a year after going through one of my most traumatic relationships and I'm now stronger, more independent and more cautious. The BPD has pretty much disappeared.

Watching the show Insatiable on Netflix made me realise I still have it. From watching the trailer I could tell the main character had BPD, and watching more and more of the show (obsessively lol) confirmed my suspicions. Then funnily enough, another character mentioned to her that she may have it.

For so long I convinced myself I didn't have it. But now I'm very, very slowly spiralling down. A couple of months ago I ran into someone I used to work with, a guy from my old job who sexually assaulted me at work. When we worked together, there was a lot of chemistry between us but I was his supervisor so I had to enforce the boundaries, but I failed. I tried to get him to stop putting his hands down my pants and stop him from physically forcing me to give him a blowjob, but I ended up failing. This time, the chemistry was still there and he asked to meet up with me. I ended up giving him a bj by choice, it's happened a few times since. His a textbook narcissist and incredibly selfish so whenever we meet up he doesn't do anything to me and he says no kissing. We don't even have sex. We meet up, I give him a bj, and then we go out separate ways. I know I should feel shit, and on the first or second time I left feeling really dirty, but the most recent time I just didn't care.

The loneliness is taking over my mind that I'm going to someone I can't stand just to get any kind of action. Yesterday after we finished we spoke a little about having sex while you're high. I mentioned that's the one thing I have never tried hoping to plant a seed so the next time he messages me, it's about that. The only thing is though, I've never done drugs. And for my entire life (I'm in my mid 20s now) I've been completely against drugs. But now the emptiness and loneliness is getting worse and all I can think about is doing something fucked up.

Since meeting up with him the first time I've been doing small fucked up things like binge eating and drinking, doing things with him, etc. And now, the fact that I'm getting more and more desperate to get high and lose my shit like that, and specifically have sex while high with anyone, idec who.

The absolute worst case scenario for me would be to go back to sex work. I feel like I might be close to doing that. I haven't done that since I was 18, it's now been 6 years since I had anything to do with that but I'm getting desperate to fuck up in some kind of major way. I haven't fucked up in years, I don't know where this is coming from.

I have to accept the BPD for a second time because for such a long time I refused to believe I have it. I never thought I'd fuck up again and now I'm literally re-evaluating everything I thought I knew about myself.