My parents are supportive, loving and accepting. My mom calls me almost everyday to check up on me and see how I’m doing. My parents visit me often. They helped pay for my BPD diagnosis and healthcare. They’ve accepted me and my partner with open arms and love (we are a lesbian couple). I’m grateful for them, but sometimes this makes me so angry. It’s a complete 180 from how they were when I was a child. 

My childhood was constant chaos. Everyday it was screaming, crying, physical violence and emotional abuse. I lived in a constant state of fear and I was completely alone and unsupported through all of it. I have memories of my dad nearly breaking down my locked bedroom door to beat me, pinning my sister to the floor and punching her, choking my brother. All while my mom told us we deserved it for misbehaving. My dad was also bigoted and homophobic. 

When I told my partner about this she could not believe what I was saying. Nowadays my dad is so calm and soft spoken, and he showed me so much love when I came out as a lesbian. My mom is amazing and does so much for all us kids. You’d really think we were the perfect family. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to be hurt by the past - why should I be? They’ve clearly changed as people. I should just be happy about that and move on. But I can’t move on, I’m still really angry. 

I want to talk about my childhood but I don’t even know how to approach it. I don’t want to upset my parents. I don’t want to be ungrateful for everything they’ve given me. None of us kids talk about what we experienced growing up, it’s the best kept family secret.