Lately I’ve been feeling especially keenly that I am just too bland and featureless to deserve to exist. I desperately latch onto any psychological abnormality as proof that I am “interesting enough” not to be a horrible person. Recent entries have included:

* Autism
* Being kinky
* Having very low affective empathy 
* Being the kind of girl to acquire lots of sexual partners

I go through a pretty consistent pattern. I latch onto some abnormal feature and spend weeks agonising over whether I really have it, since if I don’t I just am clearly like everyone else and add nothing to the world and don’t deserve to exist. Once I convince myself, the feature ceases to seem all that abnormal and I go on to obsess over something else.

I just spent a fit of misery rocking back and forth for being the “boring” kind of trans, and loudly exclaimed for the first time in weeks that I wanted to die because of it. (I was hospitalised for a suicide attempt a couple months ago or so, so this was cause for alarm.) I felt like I didn’t deserve to do any research, or take my HRT, or interact with other people—that’s for *interesting* people who aren’t just a waste of personhood.

Do any of you deal with this? If so, how do you cope? It seems to underly most of my suicidality, and it haunts me every single day in the back of my mind. Even saying this to others is embarrassing, because I know I will just sound like I want to be a special snowflake.