Just quickly I will mention self-harm/suicidal thoughts bellow, I have also posted about my dog before. It’s long and I’m sorry but I need to talk about it. Happy to answer questions no matter how harsh. 

I love my dog, she makes me feel safe in my house, she is cute and absolutely adores me. 
But she’s also very difficult, an escape artist and she makes me want to die. 

I’ve had hazel for over two years, since November of 2018. I got her with her brother hiccup (he died when we couldn’t afford to get him to a vet). We got the two dogs after mum decided one day that we should get them. (Bipolar). I never really thought about anything other than the fact that we can get a dog. I did tell her to think about it first though. I love researching and learning (especially about BPD) but I hadn’t even done that before we were on our way to pick up two staffs puppies. 

we recently moved house to a new one without a back fence (thanks mum) so I’ve had to keep her with me almost constantly, otherwise she is tied up on one of those dog rope things that attach to the ground or to the lounge when we are inside (my 1 year old niece lives with me so she can’t just wander around in case she knocks her over or chases my cats) I have a seperate granny flat so when she’s in here with me I let her walk around. 

Anyway before we moved my dog was constantly getting out of the yard. She would dig under the fence, under anything or through anything we used to block the fence or under the house where she’d go to get to the fence she could escape from. By the time we were about to move, she was spending majority of the day in the laundry alone. I felt bad but every time we let her outside (even if I went out there with her to chill) she would escape. Then she started escaping from the laundry, she ended up eating through the door and by then I had given up. 

Every time she did this I would get annoyed although some days I had more patience then others. I was constantly on edge thinking every noise was hazel trying to escape, I found it hard to sleep just in case and I started resenting the dog. About 5 days ago I started having panic attacks over it and when I had three in a row because she had gotten out while I was trying to bring her inside I decided I don’t love her anymore and whilst still in a panic attack I cut myself. 

Now it’s hard with BPD because as most of you know people are your favourite one day and in an instant they are the worst person in the world. And as it happens it’s the same with pets for me. 

Since that day when I had three panic attacks in a row and a later one after I napped (because of how drained I felt afterwards) for good measure I couldn’t even look at the dog. She would get excited to see me, her favourite person, and I would ignore her. Act like she wasn’t there. I felt so guilty but I couldn’t bring myself to even pay her, I was so disgusted that this dog had made me feel this way. 

I have mentioned to my mum many times about finding her a new home but I get shit on by her because a dog is a life time commitment and you can’t just throw them away if they are too difficult, I agree with that part but this dog gives me so much anxiety and stress that I’m starting to feel suicidal again because of her. I have broke down quite a bit sometimes in front of mum, because I feel like the worst person in the world because I want to give up my dog. Mum doesn’t know I feel like dying and cutting because of the dog, she just thinks I’m being selfish and dramatic. And I think that sometimes too. 

In my mind the only way i will not have to be responsible for my dog is if I die. Then I technically didn’t give up my dog, or if I was so badly hurt that I physically couldn’t take care of her. I even vowed to cut myself every time I considered giving hazel up as punishment for even thinking that. 

I’m not going to pretend that I’m a good dog owner, I feed her everyday yes, and pat her and chill with her but I don’t shower her with attention, when she’s bad I smack her, I put her on a lead outside so I can have a break from her instead of having her with me 24/7. I don’t take her for daily walks (especially atm because we are still moving shit around). 

My family doesn’t like her, constantly telling her to fuck off and pushing her away, before now I felt like I was the only one but now that I resent her I feel like no one loves her. But they all look at me ashamed when I bring up that I don’t want her anymore. 

It’s hard because she’s good one day, then difficult the next, and on the good days I love her, she’s cute and I can’t believe I would ever want to get rid of her, but the next day she’s bad and I hate her. But even now, as she lays next to me on my bed asleep and snuggling up to me because I’m sad, I still have the thought that I don’t love her anymore because she made me have another panic attack today, but she’s also being really sweet and making me feel better. 

I feel drained and defeated by hazel, but I love her sometimes and it makes it so hard. I don’t know what to do, how to feel or who to go to for advise because I’m so ashamed of wanting to give up my dog. What I do know is that we never should have gotten puppies and that she would be so much happier with someone else to love her, not someone with BPD who doesn’t know the difference.