Back in September I ended my 3 year relationship with someone who I still deeply care about. At that time I was in such a weird transition period and nothing in my life felt right so I thought maybe ending my relationship would help ease the unrest. I had been thinking about ending it for awhile because we both just had different end goals in relationships. That and the fact that it was starting to hit a low point in attraction where we just felt more like friends. 

After that we communicated like normal because we thought we could stay friends. Naturally that didn’t work out and when we had met up for the first time in October then we ended up having sex. Before that point I felt as though I would be okay after the break up, but being intimate sent my emotions into such a whirlwind that I felt like I had made a mistake. I still feel like that. I wish I had communicated my issues instead of letting them stir. It became too hard so we decided to go no contact. This is where it became really messy for me. 

I am terrible at it. Even though we both set these boundaries my mind feels like he’s trying to leave me behind. It’s gotten to the point where his existence has become an obsession. Everything he does on social media makes my stomach turn and even though we don’t follow each other i’m constantly seeking him out. I realized I have a lot of undealt trauma bc of a previous relationship where I was cheated on. Every time I see a new girl I feel like he’s seeing someone already and it send me into a spiral. I’ve also been so open about stalking him because when I see something that hurts I feel like I need to let it be known.

I try everything to keep it inside. I do healthy things like go to the gym or talk to friends, but nothing helps and I just end up cutting myself because at least it’s pain I can control. We met up again and I don’t even fully understand why. I know closure doesn’t exist but for some reason I thought it would help. We ended up having sex again and just holding each other all night. He’s been really understanding of my emotions but there have also been times where he’s tried to set those boundaries. He even yelled at me for the first time in the whole 4 years i’ve known him. But then I get confused because he just tells me how much he missed me and how he wishes it could go back to normal. I know he has a lot of things that he has to deal with but I just don’t understand him.

I wish it could go back to normal but everything that I have done up to this point has probably ruined any chance of that. The worst part is that even though I hate doing it and I always feel so ashamed after I feel like i’ll keep doing it until it reaches a breaking point where he tells me to stay away from him.