 F (27), middle eastern. I've always had anxiety, ever since I can remember. 

It all started when I was doing my masters. I absolutely loved doing my  masters, I was very happy and content. I was a perfect student, I had excellent marks and I had a great relationship with all the professors. I had a supervisor during that time and our relationship was a bit confusing. He would make me work on side projects with the promise of publishing the work. I worked hard, very hard. I knew I wanted to do a PhD after I graduated and I needed published papers. I did everything I could possibly do to ensure that I would be a perfect candidate. I tried to keep my anxiety under check during that time. 

I told my supervisor that I had anxiety so he would understand and not push me too hard. That didn't work. If anything, he pushed me harder. So, I worked harder. Thing is, there were no results to my hard work. He never commended my efforts or acknowledged the time I was putting in to the work. He never published anything I worked on. It was frustrating but I had a goal, and I thought if I kept working harder, someday it'll pay off. It didn't pay off. I have nothing to show for it. 

I graduated with excellence, but that wasn't the goal for me. The effort I put into graduating with  excellence was 10% of the effort I put into the other projects. I'm not even considered a good candidate for a PhD. After I graduated, my anxiety flared. I couldn't sleep or eat. Everything I had worked on, the time, the effort, the tears, it all amounted to nothing. The only good  thought I had, was that I was finally done with my supervisor. He was a manipulative person and I think to some degree he mentally abused me. He would always pick at and criticize my personality. He wanted me to work with him after I graduated, and I had always assured him that I would, but after so much verbal abuse and the dejection I felt because of him, I refused to work with him. We ended on a bad note.

I applied to multiple universities in the US after I graduated, I was rejected from all. I had no recommendation letter from him, I don't trust him to write me one. I don't want one from him. Everyone tells me I'm being childish and ruining my chances even further by not asking him for one. Maybe I am being childish, but the anxiety I feel when I think of him. I feel contacting him would kill me. He's not a normal person, he would need me to do something for him in return for a recommendation, and honestly? Over my dead fucking body. My chances of getting a PhD seem so thin now. I've never hated anyone in my  life before, but I hate him with a vengeance.

I  am writing this nearly half a year after graduating. My anxiety is constant. I'm not sure what caused this to happen but I feel zero motivation. I don't know if it's because my anxiety became too much,  that my mind just shut off or if I'm depressed. I don't feel depressed, there are things I do that I enjoy. I can't convince myself to workout  or sleep early or do anything healthy. I used to be a very healthy  person in order to control my anxiety. Professors reached out to me to  work with them on papers, but I have no interest. I don't have the  energy to want or care anymore.

I've never been a self pity person, I always believed that you had a choice and you make your path. Now however, I feel like whatever I do, nothing good will come of it, it's all useless. I don't like myself very much at all. Before I go to sleep everyday, I imagine stabbing my chest with a knife. It makes me feel calmer.

I used to be so ambitious. Now I just want to not be.

Can I come back from this? and how do I do that?