Tw: suicide

Almost 4 years ago, I attempted suicide due to my social anxiety during a time where I landed my first big salaried job. The attempt left me on life support &amp; brain dead-- docs terminology, not mine. My mom was told even if I lived, I'd be a vegetable. Selfishly,  she kept alive. She later told me that if I had ended up being a vegetable, she would have left me to starve to death. Ig that was preferable to me going painlessly in a coma???? 

Now I'm slightly disabled physically and mentally. The mental disability is so slight you can't even tell unless you interact with me on a daily basis, and that's part of the issue. When I speak to therapists, they can't tell. I seem perfectly fine. But in my daily life, I can usu only give short and brief answers (like I do during therapy sessions). I can no longer tell a story. I'm so stupid now. I hate my mind. If I could, I'd go back and prevent my suicide attempt from being found out. I've talked to the chick who alerted my sister. I haven't thanked her. I only asked how she was able to find my Facebook from my Tumblr. I was civil with her. She was shocked that the drug has caused me to become physically disabled. She thought she was doing the right thing. It's not her fault. It's society's. 

Now I haven't been able to drive by myself. Before I was able to go on the freeway alone. I've lost all my friends except for my best friend, though even there it's a bit shaky. I've had to move back in with my mom. Things with my family (extended &amp; household) have been pretty bad. 

I went back to school for an additional year. Even though I was doing well enough to get a letter from the dean congratulating me on my grades, I dropped out to pursue forex after covid forced my school to close. Forex ended up being a bust, but now I want to get into pet massage. The massage school isnt part of my college so it costs a total of $17k out of pocket, with tuition covering only $1k.

My husband wants to help me pay for school after he completes his 3 month powerplant operator course. But I was looking at jobs I could do in the meantime, &amp; just the thought of being in an interview now that I can no longer think on my feet is scary as hell. Aside from the fact that my writing is now illegible and I'm physically disabled, I'm not outgoing &amp; my arms are weak (which rules out vet assistant). I have nothing going for me. I'm terrible at math. In college before the suicide attempt, I was selling popcorn and had issue counting the money. I'm probably going to get a service dog first before setting foot into the workplace again. 

Thank the universe for pet massage, but I'll have to interact with pet owners and I'm far too awkward now. I used to be a dog sitter/walker and the worst part was always interacting with the owners. I couldn't wait for them to leave so I could finally relax. This was back when I was much more outgoing. I used to have lots of friends in college despite my social anxiety. It was because I was good at small talk and would talk to everyone I saw, specifically to overcome my crippling social anxiety. I had the image of a bubbly free-spirit hippie w neon hair, which I feel was one of the few times in my life that I was able to be my true self. I've reverted back to being almost as bad as my old super anti-social self, but now I can't even talk if I wasn't shy bc of my speech impediment.

I'm so boring as well. Even w just my wonderful husband and I, he does most of the talking because I have nothing going on usually. It's never boring w him though, bc I tease him and we both thoroughly enjoy each other's company. I still have big goals in life with him. We have plans of investing our cash and then moving to a different country and getting land &amp; settling down. But the thought of actually getting a job?? And the pressure of massaging animals correctly… it scares me. A lot. I'd rather be dead, honestly.