I've been diagnosed depressed for nearly a year now and I've been on a bit of a downslope lately, yesterday was really hard, couldn't get out of bed so I stayed in all day, not getting to sleep but just scrolling on my phone. 

Motivation's not been up lately, I'm going to drop out of university onto a paid horticultural volunteering course for the mentally ill next month but in the meantime trying to build up activity hasn't been going well. I don't have the fundamental will to complete my course. My social life's dead, I'm disabled sensory-wise so I can't do things like bar crawls as well as I'd like to, and even if I do have a laugh with others sometimes it quickly wears off afterwards. 
I can't help but feel occasional resentment for those who can enjoy themselves like that when I myself am feeling shite. I'm scared people think I'm a lazy, self-pitying piece of shit or that ultimately I'm a selfish person beneath it all. 

My previous friends from before uni have ceased contact despite one promising to keep in touch, I don't blame them because looking back it must have been really hard for them to deal with me in my wrecked state of mind.  I had a falling out with said friend just a fortnight before she was going to uni herself but I felt distance between us was growing for ages before that, I, in a sense wish I cut ties earlier to save me the increased bullshit pain or had tried to make an agreement to put things on hold until my mindset was better. I don't whether I'll ever recover proper.

I feel like I'm resented by anyone who's gotten to know me at uni, how much of this is actually true I don't know, but it's a weighty feeling. I feel like I can't stick my neck out and be me without attracting derisive views from others, I don't know whether this is since this "real me" is factually repulsive to other people or because I've really not been meeting the right kinds of people to get along with.

My suicidal thoughts have generally been controllable but they feel like they could get a lot worse if things go wrong in any of my activities, like I'm on a knife's edge. I don't so much want to kill myself (though it's mostly been an impulsive thing in times of high distress) in so much as I wish for some kind of accident to happen. I sort of hate myself for having such a throwaway manner of seeing myself. It'd be nice to be able to sleep or be suspended until the time comes where I can engage in things that hopefully will kickstart my motivation and make me feel better about myself through having a drive in life.