I'm pretty sure my last relationship/breakup fully brought out my BPD potential &amp; got me diagnosed. Just wanted to vent here feel free to give your input. 

I dated this guy let's call him Anthony for about 6 months. In the beginning, he was wary about getting into a relationship because he 'wasn't ready' but we ended up dating anyways cause he grew too attached to me I guess. Before our relationship, he had a 3-year long relationship that ended 2 years ago. 

From the very start, I had an unhealthy obsession with his ex-gf. I'm in my early 20s so 3 years together was a really long time - and that girl was his first everything. It made me sick to my stomach feeling like I was in competition with this girl. Like the classic-BPD case I am, I had a string of unsuccessful months-long relationships. In my mind, Anthony was my real first love, while he had already had his. It wasn't fair. 

I never wanted to admit to the jealousy because that was embarrassing so I would constantly make passive-aggressive comments about Anthony's ex and ask lots of intrusive questions. He refused to say anything bad about her and always deflected with discomfort. Which made me feel worse. I didn't want him to say he hated her. Just wanted confirmation that she didn't matter to him anymore. 

One night, after some already contentious fights over the ex, Anthony was scrolling in his camera roll to show me something. I spot this video, open it, and it's a semi-sexual most definitely very intimate video of him and his ex. I freeze and freak out - immediately grab his phone and start looking for more photos of his ex and start deleting them. Instead of apologizing or maybe comforting me, he grabs his phone and says stop - those are his photos. Mind you, this is all happening in public. I run out of the restaurant and kept going. 

Later, after that insanely traumatic experience, I demanded that he delete all photos of the ex or it's over. Anthony said ok, I will put them all on a hard drive. I was flabbergasted at this point and said no I want them gone as in burned forever?? He said I was controlling, the photos are his memories, and he will not delete them all permanently based on principle. Anthony said some extremely hurtful things like, no matter what I do I can't change how he feels about his ex, and said "what if we break up in a month then I deleted all those photos for no reason". 

I said fuck it, broke up with him. He has his principles I have mine. At this point, I was delusional with jealousy and rage. I still loved him so we got back together immediately, my biggest mistake ever. When we met up, I took his phone and went to his Instagram archive. It was full of 100s of photos of the ex - he never posted me like ever. I broke down and started deleting every single one. Once I realized what I did I broke down crying in front of him. I felt terrible. I confessed and I could tell Anthony didn't see me as the same person after that. I begged him to forgive me and we somehow got back together. 

Although we got back together, none of the issues were resolved. My passive-aggressive comments and anger about the whole situation continued. But at this point, I was committed to getting better at controlling the jealousy and communicating my feelings. I knew I loved him too much to let irrational jealousy get in the way. We had another small fight about this and I apologized and told him I wanted to talk things through. He agreed. 

The next night we finished dinner and were cuddling while watching TV. I brought up the conversation and said we should talk. Anthony first said, "oh not now - let's hold off til the weekend". I was like why, I already brought it up, let's do it now. He then basically said "what you did during our fights has made me resent you. I realized that you wouldn't act so crazy if there was nothing to worry about. I'm not ready to be a good boyfriend to you because I'm not as over my ex as I thought I was. I'm sorry". I'm in shock at this point and told him to get out. I just kept repeating to him, "you don't love me, you never loved me". 

The break-up lasted max 5 minutes. Afterwards, I sent him really hurtful things over text. Deleted every single photo we had together, ripped and smashed and destroyed gifts and letters. Within a few hours, there wasn't a trace of him left in my life. I thought if I destroyed the evidence then it would be like the relationship never happened. Silly me. The past few months I have pretty much been mourning a ghost - I suppressed all the memories so much that IDK why I'm hurting so much. Anthony has blocked me 100%. I haven't stalked him on social media once. I have no idea what he is up to. Yet it hurts so much I'm in pain. 

CONGRATS FOR GETTING THIS FAR ! lol. I hope this was relatable, entertaining or hopefully a good learning lesson. Moral of the story for someone with BPD, BELIEVE IT !!! when someone says they're not ready for a relationship. I'm still reeling from this, any advice would be appreciated. How do I get over this traumatic breakup?