For a couple of years I was on Mirtazapine (remeron) 40mg and Olanzapine (zyprexa) 5-7mg. 
I also have bipolar II and chronic PTSD. 
I got off of my meds like a month after we moved into our new place 09/24/2019. And so far up until now I have felt amazing. Little to no depression, handling stressful situations rationally, no fearing of abandonment, minimal arguments with my SO and really helping my kids make better grades in school. 

But for the last few weeks I have been sleeping in from the time I put my kids on the bus until it is time to get them off of the bus. Today I actually woke up and cleaned my home. May have been motivated to do so because my boyfriends mom came over to spend the afternoon with us, so I’m not sure if I should be proud of myself or not for being somewhat productive after all these weeks. 

My moms birthday and wedding anniversary just passed (she’s deceased) and that kind of ruffled up some feelings, my boyfriend and I have been having some communication and intimacy issues. 

Some things I have noticed in the last week or two is that I have become really hyper sexual, thinking a lot more rapidly, I can’t sleep at night, paranoia more frequently, crying since Valentine’s Day, and I keep wanting to act impulsively. Yesterday I stole something from the store for the second time in my life and it was so thrilling that I feel like doing it again but with more risk. I haven’t self harmed in a long time and I don’t have sex often and those were the two things I turned to when I was having some kind of adrenaline rush. Now it’s like I want to do more to fill that need. I sprained my wrist and instead of taking the pain pills for my arm I’ve been taking them (double) with muscle relaxers just because I know it’s abusing it. 

But I realized this is irrational behavior so I’m waiting for my therapist to email me back with her next opening and I started my Zoloft 50mg tonight...with pain pills. And I read that you can’t mix certain medications with Zoloft cause it could harm you but I did anyway just because I know I’m not supposed to. 

I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t tell if this is the bpd or the bipolar and I’m angry, adrenalized, starving myself, crying, resentful etc. 



I just don’t feel good. At all. 

I feel like a complete piece of shit and irresponsible mother. Please tell me this is normal behavior for someone with these conditions because I’ve never done anything like this besides self harm and the high would be over quickly.