I hate it. I'm never sure it's because I'm always at different life milestones to the people around me, or whether it's because I'm crazy. 

I was given an Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder diagnosis but it was rescinded and called a sustained trauma reaction instead. 

Ever since then, I can't help shake the thought they got it right. It's stopped me doing so many things in my life because it's on my medical record, but now I have only a few symptoms, not enough to qualify. I'm extremely high functioning. The anxiety spells recorded on my record have stopped me getting into so many high level jobs and I'm so bitter about it. My record reads like a real mess.

The one area of my life where I feel it still applies is interpersonal relationships. I don't make friends easily since the trauma, I seem to attract shitty people, particularly needy ones where the relationship becomes one sided. 

I feel like people can sense there's something wrong with me. Professionally I'm okay, but on a personal level no one wants to be friends. 

I've isolated myself from my housemates currently because of a bad dynamic that I feel I created. I'm about five years older than them, and they are very young but I tried hard to be a nice person, approachable, doing nice things for them, and it was received well. But I'm blunt and when I get pissed off I make it known. One girl decided she hates me because I asked her firmly to turn her music speakers down in the shower as it woke me up early in the morning. This was a no no because everyone else just puts passive aggressive or sickly sweet messages in the group chat. Another was always in my room crying and I asked her for space and she's ignored me since then. And the other two just go with the flow; since the others dislike me, they've distanced themselves too.

I realise I bite at everything. Rather than just letting small things go, I bite back. Everyone says I used to be so angry, and I guess I still have that. I feel like I have no tact, I'm like an open book and then I get upset when people don't reciprocate. And why am I surprised people don't like it when I am so undiplomatic?! That's how the world is. Not everyone wants to be open and people have agendas and I forget and get hurt. I have unrealistic expectations, I guess. It's just drama, which I hate, but I realise I cause...

I've got a dissertation to write and I'm so incredibly lonely.

I'm so mad at myself, and I'm mad that I make myself lonely by being like this. I don't know what's wrong with me.