I don't know how to feel. I'm so confused and feel bad. I'm so dumb. I'm so lazy. I am so confused. about everything. I don't know what to do. I cant keep hiding. i.. i.. i... I just don't know. I feel nothing. Apathy to its highest degree. With no way out. My heart clings to every direction without care. what do I do. where do i go. why. why. this is my fault. 1000% my fault. I thought I was strong but I am not. I also just bombed my interview. Why cant I get up. what is happiness. i am grateful for what I have. but i am so weak, so confused, so unfulfilled. why does it feel like this. part of it it my fault. all of it is my fault- actually tbh. I am a self loather. I just don't have any motivation. people I've been around during college, they all have jobs. successful. they keep moving on and being successful. man I'm tired. WHAT DO I DO. 

I lost my good, former self. i used to be someone who was active, mentally healthy, clear direction, heart in the right place. i lived, but i also existed and felt. I used to be in a much better state. Now what? I am so unreliable, unlikable. I let down myself.

I just.... don't know