I don’t go out at all because my anxiety and belief that everyone hates me is so severe, I don’t have a job I literally lie in bed all day crying with the curtains pulled and don’t speak to anyone even my own family. I do this to avoid the world because it gives me anxiety attacks with any kind of interaction. The only times I go out is when I’m drunk as fuck because my social anxiety and burning belief that everyone hates me is so numbed down. The only reason I haven’t had an anxiety attack in so long is bc I avoid the world this way. 

But due to a lot of physical health problems I can’t even drink anymore so I literally don’t leave the house at all and I feel an anxiety attack building up about my life and worries about my physical health I know I’m going to have an attack soon and there’s literally nothing I can fucking do to stop it apart from sit back and wait for it to happen. 

My anxiety is so bad I even get it around my own friends and family and am so disassociated they are all strangers to me my brain feels so fucking scrambled I’m going to have some kind of psychotic breakdown idek what life is anymore i feel in purgatory between life and death I don’t know what to fucking do

Just feel so alone I know technically there are people in my life who care about me but the most heartbreaking thing is looking at my best friend or family members face and not even fucking recognising it and I can’t tell anyone about any of my problems because I will have an anxiety attack doing any of this (definitely quiet bpd)

At least summers over so I can start self harming again just to try and feel something it’s the only thing that can ground me back to reality at this point