It's so hard to see. It's like I'm walking a narrow corridor with no light. Pure darkness. I can only hear my own breathing.
As I walk alone I wrestle with my internal trauma. 
Trauma from my childhood. 
Sexual abuse. Emotional abuse. Physical abuse. Gender dysphoria. 
All of these traumas I chose to lock away in this dark corridor. Occasionally I will get a glimpse of these past traumas and I hurt all over again. I'm 45 years old. I can't do this, I'm not strong enough. My depression exacerbates at every other thing I remember. 

My ex calls me to chip away at what's left of me. Why does she do this? I keep telling myself not to pick up the phone. But I have misplaced hope. I wish I didn't. I wish she didn't call me, I wish she just leave me alone. But in the same breath I want her to call and I want her to be with me. I wish I was ok. 
I wish this stupid excuse for health care would see me already. I'm desperate. I'm alone. I'm broken. I'm so so broken.