Was stressed at old job that I had for 4 years. Got a new job in the last three months that gives me more responsibility and actually listens to my opinions. It is a work from home job. However, it does include traveling in the US about once a month for a couple of days to be on site.

When I first was told this, it was no problem, so I took the job.(Flying gives me regular Anxiety) First week, I had to fly with my new boss and it was great. The week after I had to visit a site about 3 hours from my house with my boss and sleep over a day. Again no problem except for the fact that this was exhausting due to be being on site all day.

Then our job proposed a team meetup in TN so the team can meet each other since we are working remotely. This is where is started:

First day we had a meeting and I had to present a couple of things. First presentation went all right.(Talking in front of people gives me regular anxiety). In waiting for my second presentation that would only be a couple of minutes, it gave me so much anxiety, right before I had a panic attack. I quickly excused my self, went to the bathroom for a couple of minutes, "relaxed", came back and finished my presentation that someone had started without me.

Told myself that is weird, I had not had a panic attack in years after I cured my GERD. Brush it off and continued the trip. Every morning there I had nausea, feeling light headed, decentralized. It would go away during the afternoon and I would go have a drink with my team mates. My team mates noticed but I just told them I must have some bug. The last night, I drank and ate something really late (1AM), which made me throw up all morning since 5AM and I didn't go sleep. I felt cold, shaky, nauseous, really wanted to go home. Felt anxious on plane made it home. Convinced it was a stomach bug I experienced. The End

Ever since that I have had panic attack weekly even when I go out with my friends on 1-2 hour trips. My boss told me I had to go on a trip two weeks ago and I started shaking, crying, panicking while trying to buy the plane ticket. I told him I had too much anxiety and couldn't go. I felt like I let my whole team down and I was ashamed. 

I have been trying everything headspace, therapist, meditation, breathing exercises, cold showers, exercise, no coffee, no alcohol. My whole immediate family has problems with depression, anxiety, stress and I was the last one to experience it. 

I have never lived alone; I have always lived with someone. I have never traveled alone. I fear traveling far and being alone for a couple of days now that I never experienced since I have never traveled alone.

I was just given notice that I had to fly again in two weeks and I started shaking and crying uncontrollably. I am lost and feel hopeless. I do not want to lose the job, but I must travel. At least if no one reads this, it could be therapeutic to me to just write this.