I want to start this by apologizing if I unintentionally break any rules of this I'm fairly new to Reddit but I think I'll be okay. I want to share my story on here for others that may have or are going through a similar situation also want a chance to feel seen by others who might understand. I also want to disclaim another trigger warning before I start... :) &lt;3 March 26th of 2018 I decided to tell my mother about years of sexual abuse from my father starting at age 4 (of what I remembered but to my knowledge now it was most likely from when I was 1) my parents had split when I was 4 and my mom moved from our home city which left me mostly spending time at my dads little one bedroom apartment. The sexual abuse had started at the apartment we all lived together in as a family, it was constant and vile in the sense where I was being treated as a fully sexually experienced adult at age 4. This worsened by a lot when my parents split. It continued for years until I told him I was aware it was wrong. He broke down crying and told me how much of a  horrible father he was and I hugged him and said it's okay because it was all I knew how to do. It didn't stop completely after that until I got to the age where I got my period. 

As a child I was extremely smart, I was doing advanced school work in elementary and always got told how smart and mature I was for my age. I understood years later and most of you may know that the trauma tends to mature children faster. After the sexual abuse stopped, time passes and there are lots of foggy memories but I briefly remember between the time when it had stopped to when I was about 11 or 12 my dad would get me drunk, let me stay up as late as I wanted, bought me anything I wanted although we were pretty poor. He would groom me and tell me how special I was and how much better I was than other girls my age. He wanted me to feel special and I did but I got to an age where I began to resent him. This is when the verbal abuse, alcoholism, drugging and physical abuse started. Everyday was a battle between a scared little girl and a fully developed man. This is what makes me feel the most rage. Everyday of those years in my life was abuse, he would be violently drunk, manipulative in the worst ways possible since he was very good at it and had a psychology degree that he never put to use, I wasn't able to have friends especially talk to any boys, he wouldn't take me to appointments and would get violent if I mentioned I talked to a therapist. I can go on forever about the but you guys get the point. Everything horrible that could happen to a little girl had happened to me before I even turned double digits. 

After telling my mother what he had done on a weekend I decided to run away from my dad and bus to her 1 and a half hours away with money my school social worker gave me to buy groceries for myself, she immediately believed me, called him to confront him, called child and youth services and the next day I was sitting in a room with a camera with a detective asking me a thousand questions about very specific details of my sexual abuse. I didn't understand why she wanted to know certain details so much until I realized I was giving details on what would be my testimony in a 4 year trial with him. I'm grateful for my caseworkers and all the help they gave me. After this my mom went to grab everything from my dad's with her fiance and I never saw him again. I am also so grateful for her she was a victim of abuse as a child too and this situation has been very hard for her undoubtedly but unfortunately me and her were never as close after this because she has been traumatized by it all too. We kind of live seperate lives and it hurts because I need her. The cops took him in the next day and he was apperently drunk and they had found nude photos of me as a child on his computer when searching the apartment I lived in with him.

The months and years after this have been so. Fucking . Difficult. Especially because I was 14 when I left and I am now only 18. Just going into adulthood. I was addicted to cocaine for half a year when I was 15, overdosed twice, failed all of grade 10, most of grade 9 and 11, have had many suicide attempts, an abortion I didn't want, lost many friends and felt a sense of deep rooted pain and instability inside of me at 14 that only got worse. I got diagnosed with bipolar at 14 than ptsd at 16 and then bpd the same year. I didn't understand what bpd was completely but I saw it a lot of tik Tok and to be honest I didn't like the community and stigma the community had sort of done to us (not all of them) but with my own research I started to understand more of what bpd was and now I can recite actual genuine symtoms of this disorder like a dsm. I learned to research so I could become more self aware and try to help myself. Of course this just led to me being am extremely self aware borderline which causes me so much anxiety tbh. Everything I say and feel contradicts itself and my ability to mask very well makes it so hard to get help for myself. 

To anyone I know In real life they see a wayyyy more put together play of myself than what's actually inside. Majority of my days are extreme ups and downs, wanting to scream and cry and break everything in my room because of "minor inconveniences" (I use brackets because to us it might not seem minor but to non bpd minds they cannot see the thought process before hand). Most outbursts I have are always really rational to me in the moment but followed by horrible self hatred, shame, guilt. I never feel satisfied with anything in my life or within myself for longer than a few hours and/or day, I constantly feel adequate, I'm very bad at taking criticism and my jealousy and insecurity issues in relationships can be through the roof, I'm impulsive with money and hyper sexual, I have periods of head empty no thoughts but also all my thoughts are screaming at me?? If that makes sense??? I starve myself and self sabotage. My biggest issue is reading into situations and people too much and feeling like people are conspiring against me, I feel like nobodys genuine to me and that I can never let my guard down or else I will get hurt (this is all very wrong I am aware) I'm sure a lot of you can relate but this isn't all we are.

Our "skin" is fragile thus making us hyper sensitive to the world around us. When we want to scream and cry and react intensely to things it is because an unheard and unhealed child is within us. I mean this from the bottom of my heart to all of you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your trauma will never be your fault but the way you chose to go about that from this point on is completely within your control. I am only 18 and just last week was my dad's sentencing he got 9 years in prison and will never be able to be within the sane area as me. He is a registered sex offender for life and although I am deeply pained by it all still and in the midst of my emotional turmoil, I can say I am so proud of that little girl inside of me for wanting to be happy, it's all she ever wanted and deserved. I listen to her now when she's upset and I try not to put myself down for my feelings and I always try to keep an understanding for myself and my healing journey. It will take time. I have always felt different than others around me. It almost angered me that they could never understand this pain, it angered me that family and love and normalcy seemed to come so easy for them. This is false and not a good mindset to have. You have a gift of love in your heart, we couldn't hate with such intensity without equal love inside that in my opinion could outweigh that hate by a million with the proper love and care. You aren't alone. You are beautiful and adequate and apart of the life journey is pain unfortunately. Things that help me are writing, cooking, spending time with my lovely boyfriend who actually brings out the best in me and my little sister. I wouldn't be here without her. Thank you for reading my life guys I hope I can help some of you with these words :)