Sorry for the length, **I added a relatively short TLDR in the bottom**.

I (21F) was diagnosed with quiet BPD a few months ago, but I think I had normal BPD for most of my life until I went through "The Bad Phase" (before the diagnosis) which triggered something in me and I think I developed quiet BPD. Is this possible? The below paragraph is for context so you can skip it if you are worried about getting triggered (Sex, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts). 

The Bad Phase: I'm generally not very into drugs/alcohol and I don't like hookups. A few months ago I was going through depression or something, I was struggling with emptiness and some form of emotional numbness so I was high/drunk almost every day that week. My then FP (we weren't exclusive yet) abandoned me at night which spiraled me into a bunch of substance abuse and hookups which made it even worse and I wanted to hurt someone, anyone, including myself. I was feeling so much emotional pain, toxic shame, etc. Something kinda snapped in me and I just stopped feeling anything. When I was a kid I got a lot of emotional invalidation from my parents but at that time I was invalidating myself because it hurt too much and the emotional numbness became so much stronger.

I also changed my personality(?). I used to play video games all day in bed and did the bare minimum to pass my classes but suddenly I just wanted to be super productive every day and got into news and research. I became interested in learning. I completely stopped playing games and still have no desire to play (unless socially with friends),  I did a lot of writing (I'm a writing major) and successfully graduated with straight As that quarter. I got into hiking and nature. I'm not boasting but I never imagined I could be like this. I became more serious and suddenly my actions are all influenced by logical thinking and my brain, I became dissociated from myself but it didn't feel temporary, it felt like I changed. I actually can't handle being lazy, it feels disgusting to me. 

I suddenly dislike clingy guys and I can't imagine being clingy or with someone 24/7 even though I used to be extremely clingy. I broke it off with my FP because I realized we had a toxic relationship and I felt very calm doing it, I wasn't sad or crying or emotional. I started seeing another guy and it was so different for me because I was obsessed with all my previous boyfriends or FPs and I wasn't obsessed with this guy but I liked them romantically. 

I could "feel"  things like gratefulness but that's because it's logical to be grateful when someone does things for me. I no longer feel anger at all, if anything just minor irritation or annoyance when someone bothers me when I'm doing work. I even developed an eating disorder (currently lost 13% of body weight) because I couldn't feel hunger or that food was yummy anymore. I was almost like a robot. I wrote a lot about myself and my childhood to be more aware of myself and it made me more frustrated from the numbness. 

\[CW this paragraph: feelings\]   
My frustration that I couldn't feel anything increased gradually until I had some sort of epiphany during a church retreat where tears kept sliding out still without feeling anything at first. But when I saw myself in the mirror I could see my pain and misery and after like an hour the numbness broke. I cried for hours feeling my toxic shame and self-resentment in full effect. The next day I felt so much bitterness and hatred and envy towards the world and all its people. It was like something awakened in me but even though I was so resentful I didn't want to lash out, instead, I was scared of myself and the hatred that I was feeling. I wept and sobbed for hours and concluded that I was better off feeling nothing than all this hate. When I got back home I took a one-week break from work because I was mentally and physically exhausted. 

Even when I "snapped" I had no anger or outbursts. Now, I think I'm back to emotional numbness but I've developed some form of radical acceptance of it; it doesn't bother me anymore. I've continued seeing the non-FP guy and I like him a lot. My best friend was really shocked and said that it sounds like I have a healthy relationship for the first time. I feel cured. I feel at peace with myself even though I still don't know who I really am. I don't feel any toxic shame or hatred (though maybe I just got better at concealing it) or frustration anymore. Does anyone have any idea what happened to me or have similar stories? Like can people actually develop quiet BPD from normal BPD like that? And I still have quiet BPD symptoms but without the toxic shame and self-resentment, it feels so weird because that's what was most prominent for me before.

Thank you so much if you read this all the way to the end :)

**TL;DR:** I was emotional (anger, anxiety etc) and having outbursts until I spiraled from FP abandonment, substance abuse, sex, etc into suicidal thoughts, then severe emotional numbness. My personality changed from being a lazy gamer into a productive person who reads research and news in my spare time. I broke off with my FP feeling super calm and am now with someone that I like non-obsessively. I also dislike clingy people now. My emotional numbness gets increasingly worse until I snapped from frustration. When I snapped, I didn't have an angry outburst stiill. I felt a lot of resentment towards the world but I only sobbed for hours until I was okay. After that, the emotional numbness came back but with radical acceptance, no more toxic shame or hatred that I could feel.