Is this a BPD thing? Or just a weird human brain thing maybe made worse by BPD? I find the more someone doesn’t want me (especially if I have feelings for them to begin with) the more I end up wanting them. Then kind of the opposite when people start getting close and wanting me I can feel my self pull a way a bit a be like “ew no” then of course I push them away and the circle starts again of me being like “why don’t they want me?” Then I’ll fabricate in my head that I’m really into them and need them. 

Like I remember this boy I went on a few dates with and we were friends for a while. He eventually asked if I liked him and at that point I just saw him as a friend. So told him that. Then spent the next 6 weeks trying to convince myself I actually liked him and should be with him. Then he got in a relationship and I cried all day because I was planning on telling him how I felt. Thing is I never actually liked him like that in the first place. Like wtf? What’s wrong with me?

This is also kind of a problem with my boyfriend as he has depression so can go through periods of time where he isn’t as affectionate. When he comes out of it and is suddenly really into me again I can feel my self kinda getting uncomfortable and pulling away a bit.