I'm a (mostly) quiet borderline and a combination of chronic anxiety about letting my real emotions and thoughts show due to past trauma, having a decent vocabulary and being attractive makes for a rather outwardly charming person... Apparently. So, some professionals will take a quick liking to me and compliment me and blatantly compare me to the more obvious mental illness patients as though I have more hope than they do (I was literally told this once)... Little to they know I have internally insulted them brutally multiple times, am actually offended on behalf of the mentally ill people they insulted and think they're inconsiderate morons for saying that, and honestly just want to disappoint them and push them away and destroy myself in the process, which can happen. I don't want to be treated like a bucket of shit either, but I also don't want the reputation as a Nice Borderline. It makes me feel like I can't show the true nature of the hell I endure, which is very real, and if I do they can get all disappointed even though I never consented to that high level of expectation in the first place. Like... Hello...? And I'm also scared I could one day be used as a prop to show people "hey look what a Non Problematic Borderline is!!! You can be this too!!". That idea nauseates me. I'd freak the fuck out. I AM problematic. I'm unstable as hell. So I'm kinda scared of the whole mental health scene now. Too many encounters that I fake smiled through, went home and stared into nothingness filled with rage and confusion until I cracked in silence and hurt myself. Yet, I'll still be automatically polite even when I feel nothing but deep contempt for everything. Ugh
