Hey everyone,

The gist:

I've been diagnosed with major depression, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. My fiance of three years ghosted me and I don't understand why. I started cutting again and I can't stop. I want to stop but I can't. My desire is there but I'm failing. I don't want to go to the hospital because I'm also an addict and I cannot take benzodiazepines or antidepressants due to bipolar disorder.

Antidepressants send me instantly into mania (common with bipolar disorder).

My mother is also going through a divorce and I'm allowing her to live with me through her separation; however, this is also causing me significant distress.

I've been unemployed from Feb - Aug 2022. I just started a new job in Aug 2022. I'm hoping this will occupy my thoughts so I am able to cease rumination on my ex-fiance and mother now living with me (not to mention my PTSD from childhood trauma). 

To preface my next segment, my parents divorced when I was four. I'm emotionally neglected by my father as well. He has a second family and I was the only child between him and my mother. I can't seem to get through to him no matter how hard I try. My mother, however, is very kind. Yet, she married an alcoholic in her second marriage which injected additional trauma into my life. 

I have zero friends. I have superficial acquaintances. 

I don't enjoy anything except attention and I'm terrified of being abandoned by those who give me attention. 

I feel empty and emotionless. I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled or felt happy. 

Maybe I'm posting in the wrong sub, I don't know. I just had to get this all out.

I really want to be normal but I'm not sure how. I'm looking into therapy to help develop social skills. 

I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm not gorgeous either. I've had girlfriends and such. That didn't make me feel whole either.

As I'm writing this, I think I've been trying to fill my void with external things and it's never been successful.

With all of this being said, I'm not sure what to do. I have so much love to give.

Thanks for reading my story. I really appreciate it.

&lt;3