I'm in a lot of pain currently and I think most of it stems from feeling like a failure. I can't seem to do many of the things I need to (schoolwork, paperwork, personal projects, nurturing any semblance of a social life, etc) and I believe it's all because I can't order my thoughts at all. 

For a class, I read a couple works and could thoroughly grasp the concept I was studying / had many original ideas surrounding the topic, but once I began trying to write my essay all I could do was form an outline, and a very disordered/unconventional one anyway.

I try to train myself to be calm and for my mind to feel like it's moving as slowly as the world by reading a lot. I am just incredibly impatient and even painting doesn't relax me anymore because I want my work to resemble the picture in my mind almost as soon as I finish the very first stroke. It's ridiculous. I try to do things that will take a long time and will delay gratification so that I may slow down. I watch very slow paced movies and try to keep attentive and interested. I just struggle so much to slow down.

I'll write many notes and drafts; I have so many wonderful ideas, but I cannot pursue them further because I'm always having new ideas.. I often tweet in a stream-of-consciousness / vulnerable way and it seems to me that it helps me follow a train of thought so that I can ignore others for a while. 

It's just that my head is never quiet or slow or happy. I can't order my thoughts..


EDIT: Some other things:
I'm constantly wondering if anything I say makes any kind of sense to anyone but me. I doubt the way my thoughts flow (or don't; I don't know) is rational at all.. All my life, I can recall having an overactive mind, but I suspect rationality lessens in my thought processes during times when BPD symptoms are more prevalent in my life. 

I'm trying to be a writer, but it's hell when I insist on my writing style to be one that's fully organic and lacks editing. I guess I'm not comfortable with my art, especially when I'm not even confident I'm understood when I have simple conversations with people. Also, I can't edit things in a way most people would? I feel like I have the potential to edit my writing in a functional way, but it's difficult to force myself to be orderly.

All in all, I guess I'm wondering if more of you struggle with disordered thinking / to what extent / how it manifests in your life / what you do to try to help it.

I am just at a real loss as to what to do when I feel like 

* my BPD symptoms get worse when I don't have control over my life / my life isn't going how I'd like
* disordered thinking gets worse when my BPD is not relatively dormant
* disordered thinking leads to failure to perform well or even have a normal social life
* failures / embarrassment leads to either reclusiveness or just shame/insecurity that makes my BPD worse

I just wish I knew how to break the cycle.