Before you read, I want to apologize for any grammatical errors you may find. Its pretty difficult for me to express such a difficult topic in a language that isn’t my mother tongue. I even find it hard to express my feelings and thoughts in my mother tongue because I tend to express myself in a pictorial way. If you find any errors feel free to correct me \^\^.

Hey,

has anyone else felt a change in mood after taking MDMA? Usually, you hear people talking about sever feelings of depression, feeling down/empty the day after taking it but I was more than just fine. I felt energetic, motivated and ready to be productive like I haven’t before (or I just forgot how it feels to be “high on life”). I’m pretty sure that the effect of the MDMA wore off the next day but something changed.  

Before that I felt like a worthless piece of shit consisting of extreme self-loathing (with self-harm and consistent suicide thoughts), feeling worthless beyond repair, having severe trust issues. I really struggled getting up and tried to sleep just through most of the day to not have to deal with my feelings and thoughts which just resulted in nightmares with cold sweats.  I also withdrawed from my friends due to feelings of unworthiness, trust issues, …. 

Currently (a few days after) I’m still motivated, need less sleep to feel rested and I can basically just tell my negative thoughts to fck off and they disappear. I also became way more talkative and I want to share my feelings and thoughts with my friends. The fact that I currently want to share so much about myself with my friends is the most irritating part because the only thing I ever did was to keep my thoughts and feelings at bay and basically let them tear myself apart. That’s also the reason why I haven’t seeked a conversation with them because even I wouldn’t know how to react if I just unleashed all of this bs on the persons I care for and who care for me (probably also due to the irrational manifested trust-issues). I actually feel cheerful that I am able to write about this because I’m sure that I would never have posted something like this if it wasn’t for this change in mind (or whatever changed). (This whole text feels like a small relief and vent for me - yay :D) 

But I also got to say that this effect feels like a “downward curve” currently. I still feel “happy” (not sure how to describe because I haven’t felt like it before or forgot how it felt; you could say I feel mildly euphoric?) but I realized that the negative/intrusive thoughts started to come back more and more and I’m not sure how long I can keep them at bay. I still feel like I can take on the world even though I have many problems that I need to address before I can move “forward” with my life. 

I’m not sure if it’s an “afterglow” effect or a change of my mindset or if it happened because of a possibly fcked up serotonin balance that got a “kickstarter”. It could also be a manic episode (which I also never had before).

I’ve ready many articles online about the effect of MDMA and depression/bpd/… and also read through many posts on reddit but in the end there is no real “result”, just lots and lots of experience reports spread across the internet. So, I want to know if some of you had similar experience and feelings and if there is something you would recommend.

Currently I think it would be smart to seek professional help before I start to spiral down again or just open up to my friends. 

In conclusion my mind feels like a battlefield on which the “good” side is currently winning and I am afraid that it could change very quickly.