I (19F) have fucked up majorly. Every life decision I’ve made over the past two years has been self destructive and without an ounce of self respect. I used to have purpose and direction but the stress and pressure that I placed on myself to succeed led to me breaking.

My boyfriend is emotionally and sexually abusive. It’s taken me a long time to admit that because I was so desperate to be loved and I wanted him to love me. He was the catalyst for a lot of bad things in my life. I never thought I could fix him, but I made a conscious decision to stay with him because being with him felt better than being alone. Now I’m stuck and I’m scared and I have nobody and it’s all my fault because I stayed with him when I saw the red flags and it wasn’t too late to get out. I have no family to turn back to at this point and I’ve been isolated from all my friends. It feels like my life is over. 

My depression has returned, and it’s worse than ever. I’m paranoid all the time. I don’t feel like myself anymore and my identity feels fractured. I can’t remember things as well. I think I’m traumatized from some things that happened in my relationship but I can’t remember things 100% so I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I have no options at this point in my life. I’m hurting so bad and for the first time ever, I am completely alone.