Hi all. This is a xpost from /r/narcissiticabuse.. I am trying to get some closure here because it is driving me crazy emotionally... Help? Mabe one of you with BPD can comfort me here?

I'm hoping someone can relate in hopes that I am not going crazy. I lied to her and I was trying to explain why, because it was never to hurt her or keep things from her. She would accuse me all the time of things, so out of fear, I would sometimes hold back information. I tried to explain it to her and I was destroyed inside.

*Can anyone relate to this?*

*[These are the sort of expressions and promises I was given and held onto in the beginning. I felt absolutely safe and loved. I am now trying to accept that they were not real and never were. ](http://i.imgur.com/hnPgdgL.jpg)

*[ This is months later after walking on eggshells, exhausting all my energy just to please her, agreeing to and giving into completely unreasonable demands, and reassuring her I would not lie to her or hurt her. This is where I really began to feel guilty, worthless and abandoned. I felt like I deserved it for lieing when I promised I would not.](http://i.imgur.com/a7yPuWD.jpg)

Help? I feel like I was hit with a tornado.  I held onto and believed the love she promised me, put my heart and soul and a lot of work into her, and inevitably tossed out on the curb. She wound up dumping me, dismissing any reason I may have had, any reasons, and told I was the worst decision in her life.

The only reason for the 'lying' was because I didn't want her to explode over something so small and unreasonable. (I would keep things from her because I didn't want to be yelled at. Pathetic, yes, but true. I wanted that much to prove to her she was more than enough for me.) It was not right, at all, but I really never wanted to hurt or lie to her.

I know it's not right posting screenshots, but I am at a loss here and have spent hours and endless nights reading, studying, trying to understand why I deserved this. What happened? I gave her more than I knew I could.

Is there any hope she may one day contact me or forgive me? She threatened to contact authorities if I message her. I was responding to those texts begging her to at least try to understand why I did it and that I was sorry and I just wanted to do what I thought was the best option for us both.  It was that bad. (Don't worry I went complete NC and do not plan on breaking it.)