i have a terrible history of making friends - getting into these really intense friendships where it seems like we're just the same person in two bodies - and then ruining them, just totally throwing them away. i've been friends with this most recent person for about a year. we've gotten really close over the last 8-9 months and i adore her - if i were healthy i think she'd be one of my dearest friends and i'd do anything to keep the friendship going. but i'm constantly battling with my brain so of course it's not actually going like that.

we've both been interested in a guy, let's call him m. he's not someone we know personally. we would both joke about flirting with him and meeting up with him and stuff - i only ever encouraged it because i thought it was a joke. long story short, she's now messaging m and flirting with him while i'm going ignored - i've been messaging m as well but he's not giving me anywhere near the same amount of attention. i'm incredibly jealous, which i know is a normal reaction. but i've also had multiple breakdowns over this and finally tonight, i blocked her and told her i can't do this anymore because i know it's not fair to her.

i don't actually know if doing that was the right thing. i feel like it is - if i'm going to act like this, she's better off without me around. she is a genuinely wonderful person who doesn't deserve my drama and bullshit and if something good is going to happen to her with m, then she deserves to experience that without me falling apart as a result of it. but at the same time she's one of the closest friends i've had in a long time and i know tomorrow once i wake up and this episode or whatever is over, i'll regret it and try to make up with her. when i'm feeling good, i can handle the jealousy like most normal people would. i can be happy for her and keep my jealousy to myself for the most part. but when i'm feeling like this i just want to destroy the whole world because i'm hurting. i don't want to do that to her.

i've never been treated for my bpd because it's really difficult in the uk. so i don't know which part of my brain to listen to, i don't know what the healthy way to deal with this situation is. i know what i've already done was probably not the best choice. but i just don't know what to do now. i just want to have a friend and not fuck it up every single time. i'm so sick of manipulating people i care about and then ending up alone but i don't know how to stop it. please help, any advice would be much appreciated.