I'm venting here since I don't really have anybody to go to rn. I've pushed everyone away. Including my partner. I feel horrible. And angry. I want to rage on every single person in my life. I know I can't do that. I hate the way even a little inconvenience, a small shift in tone can completely make me spiral and split on everybody. I hate how I can't communicate all these big feelings. And even if I do it gets translated a wrong way. I'm sorry but I can't explain this pit in my heart. This void that never gets filled up. Even if I'm feeling euphoric this empty feeling is still longing there, somewhere. I know I can't excuse my actions. I'm simply trying to explain them. But it doesn't come out right. Gosh how wish there was anybody that could understand. But who would? I don't even understand the way I am. It's getting so difficult for me to handle this. (Before I used self-harming to cope with these big feelings) I can't let myself do that rn. And I don't know any other way. I literally want to gouge my organs out, rip off every pit of skin. I hate this. I feel like I'm going crazy. I wish my partner would just be here. But I don't deserve that. Considering how I've been acting. I feel like I'm so incapable of understanding other people's boundaries because I lack self awareness so I've created this victim complex to excuse my behaviour. Even by writing this post I feel like I'm doing it and I hate it so fucking much. But my brain is torn between thinking is this me or other people are actually In the wrong. Ahhh again my brain goes on blaming everybody else. Of course I'm making every fucking single person my enemy even if they are not. I fucking hate this. Gosh I wish somebody would beat me to death. I hate this. I don't know what to do. I know I'm the problem. I know it. But yet I wish somebody would just hold on to me tightly. I know everybody is tired of my shit. Even I am. Oh my god I want to off myself so badly right now. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point. I hate this. I hate myself. I feel so ashamed for feeling this way. I hate being a completely different person than I was this morning. Ahhh what the actual fuck is wrong with me. What is wrong with me.ahhhhh