I grew up depressed, the first time I tried committing suicide was when I was roughly 8. I didn't socialize with others as a kid because I was so used to being bullied and abused by my family I didn't believe anyone would be any different. I grew up thinking I'd end up commiting suicide once my grandparents passed away. I didnt want my death on their conscience. 

My whole life I accepted being used by "friends" and abusive relationships because when you don't expect to be happy being useful to anyone else regardless of personal expense seemed like the only thing I could do to not waste the life I was stuck in. 

I've wasted so much of my life in a depressive stupor just coasting that it feels almost impossible to catch up to be where I should be in life, I don't even know what my interests are anymore. I don't know how to be in a relationship that isn't manipulative at best and to be honest those are the easiest to be in because I don't have to be a person in them.

I'm now about to turn 30 in a few months and I've been so stuck in depression I don't know what it's like to not depressed. I can fake being ok for the sake of people around me but it's so exhausting. I don't know how to be the person I was before depression because an 8 year old isn't really a person with a personality to have before I can remember being depressed. 

I've tried to get better and been to several therapists to no avail and tried a few antidepressants which only trigger anxiety. I don't know how to have friends because I've never really had friends before and at best I'm that awkward friend that just kind of exists around a friend group. The better a friend someone is the worse I am at being their friend because I don't really have my own identity to express to them. I can't really be proud of any aspect of my personality because any good thing I do or have done is just a result of being depressed.

I don't know what to do to be ok because I don't know what it's like to be ok. Sometimes it feels like the process of getting better is worse than being depressed because when I can feel anything I just feel regret over how I've lived my entire life. It feels like the only way I can continue my life is to live in total apathy and inundating myself with distractions so I don't have a moment to reflect on how much I hate myself. 

I want to be better I just don't know how to. I want to be myself but at this point the only self I recognize that doesn't feel fake is being depressed. I want to be happy without it feeling fake and exhausting. I just don't know how to.