I just got home from a concert in DC, and I didn't enjoy it. The band wasn't bad, it was my favorite band. I didn't mind the rain, standing didn't hurt my legs, I just didn't want to be there. All I wanted to do was go home and get high. Thats all I want to do. I knew things had been tough the last couple months, but I didn't realize it had affected me this much. I think the anxiety is getting to me, I constantly think that I'm hearing or seeing things. I so afraid and paranoid about everything. 

I can't calm down, I can't think, I feel like I can hardly breathe sometimes. I'm so young, and I feel like that is crushing me. I am young, I'm supposed to be able to just jump up and keep going, but I can't. I can barely do anything. It's like I'm made of cement.

I can't even keep a job, I had to leave the last three because of anxiety attacks. They got so bad that my last job asked me to leave because I would get overwhelmed and hyperventilate then passout. I was a safety hasard, my anxiety was so bad that I would faint. That is terrifying to me, because it isn't just in my head anymore.

My physical health is being affected now. My insomnia is definitely getting worse, I have muscle cramps from not moving, I get headaches from eye strain, I don't get hungry then all of a sudden I'm starving. 

I thought I had gotten better.

I thought I had moved past it.

I thought I would never end up back in this hole.

And yet, here I am. In this same fucking hole I crawled out of 3 years ago. The same hole that showed me parts of myself that I am scared of. The same hole that taught me how much tramadol I can take without over dosing. The same fucking hole, with the same fucking sand walls that shift everytime you try to climb. This fucking hole, this goddamn hole, this motherfucking hole that I just have to fucking sit in. I just have to fucking sit in it until I find another rope. But thats the worst part, sometimes you find a rope, but it breaks, and you fall back down, and get hurt. Then you don't want to grab anymore ropes, because you might fall again.