No matter how hard I hold things in, I explode and hurt him and others more. And I can't forgive myself for all the shit I've done in the past because it's too much. And so what if I accept that I fucked everything up? That won't change that I'll probably do it again in the future.

I honestly can't get my head around it. I'm a miserable pile of self loathing and I don't want to forgive myself. Like maybe forgiving myself will make me feel better somehow but I can't justify it. I deserve to suffer. I want to move on but I can't accept myself for who I am because who I am is worthless.

Is there something I need to do before I can even try to radically accept? Because it's not freaking working .