sorry for my bad englisch. 5 years ago my life was way beyond shitty: drugs, debt, abuse, no career, no friends. I was utterly misrable. I decided to turn my life around. First I quitted some bad habits all by myself. I made baby steps towards a healthier life. started therapy (boderline diagnose, dbt) became more stable und sociable. Now I have a nice job, which I enjoy, a small but very supporting social group and a healthier life without drugs. 

But it doesn`t come naturally to me. On the contrary, I have to gather all my strength to built this false front of sanity. I thought that, if only I could achive this or that, I could be happier. It turns out, that I feel trapped inside myself. I can`t just do what I want. I have to check and restrict every litte move, in order to behave the „right“ and „sane“ way. Oh, you wanna have this crazy-ass tattoo. No, you can`t, it`s your boderline jerk brain craving self-harm, you can`t to it. You wanna date girls? Oh, no your straight. It`s just the average boderline identity confusion. You can`t date girls. You wanna go out clubbing and drinking. Oh no, you can`t. You will end up getting drunk, taking drugs and have some disgusting one-night stand. And so on and so on.

Sometimes my life feels so dull. I just cant take it anymore. I feel like some monk sitting in this stone cell, waiting to die. And worst of all, I feel like a crazy imposter. Im afraid, that my "new life" will be destroyed eventually. What the fuck is wrong with me? Anyones experiencing the same?