Hi I was recently diagnosed a few months ago. My therapist and I have identified that all of my 'acting out' behavior and using in my addiction is directly linked to whenever I have a BPD episode with my intense emotions. I'm addicted to FemDom porn, and I act out and let these woman abuse me with their words and tell me how worthless and pathetic I am whenever I do something stupid in life. I immediately run to them for connection and safety, because they will 'always be there'. These femdom women videos are 'reliable', unlike other relationships. There's safety in them. Sometimes I just want to give up and watch femdom porn the rest of my life, or kill myself, because I really don't see a point to my life lately. I'm unsure of what to do next... I've been struggling with this addiction since 2015. Before that it was Adderall and regular porn, and likely my BPD triggers/relationship triggers before i was diagnosed.

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What am I supposed to do to turn this around ? Do I have any hope?

I'm a bit spiritual (into crystals, yoga, meditation) but this lifestyle directly conflicts with my addiction lifestyle of porn and lust and giving all my money to powerful women. I am pathetic. Please help.