How I FEEL IS angry, indignant, unsupported, although I know that there is another side that has valid merit.

Here’s the thing. If my partner throws a “my parents are coming into town” even two or three days before, I almost immediately spiral. The whole thing is terrible. Partly because, yes I am rigid. My bedtime is at 10. I know they will push, and I know my partner will give in. 

My partner is left feeling like he has to move mountains to accommodate me, I feel like he is not doing enough to support my illness. For instance when his mom decides she’s going to bring his entire family (6 people) up for Christmas and then make comments about them all staying with his brother when we have the house. My partner would love to just be able to do something like that. I cannot handle it. That amount of people, the lack of sleep, the removal of my routine. It is enough to start an episode. 

On the flip side, yes. I’m an absolute flake. Big trip we planned? I used all my time off on managing this illness and now I have to delay it. Told his friend we would go down to visit? I’m currently in the midst of an episode where I haven’t even showered in three weeks and there is no way I can go.

I don’t know. I’m so frustrated I want to cry and scream and break something. I don’t want to be ill . I don’t want to be so rigid. I don’t want to make others lives worse. I also don’t think he understands or cares. I feel dramatic for saying I have to be home at X o’clock. That I can’t do red eye flights and that vacation includes three hours of wake-up time since I’m on Seroquel. I feel like the effort I put in to being stable is actually thought of as a negative. That he, and everyone, prefer my manic self that drank all night. I’m so fucking angry.