I'm 20yrs old and this is my first time sharing what's inside of my mind because I can be anonymous here, I just want clarifications if my mind is still normal, I cant go to a therapist I can't afford it, afraid to tell my parents and I don't like to be their subject for sympathy.

I'm always angry, it isn't written on my face but I'm angry, I also enjoy having violent dreams like I'm on a killing spree, people may think of it as a nightmare but I'm looking forward to dreaming about something like that. I also kept on having thoughts like killing someone even if this someone is a family member and sometimes I'm not disgusted by these thoughts. I also have thoughts of ending my life but ended up not to because I feel like it's not worth it so sometimes I ended up cutting myself. My motivation for joining fighting sports is that, so I can fight back from my father who is physically abusive sometimes. My aunts always compare me with my sister and laugh at me sometimes because of how I could not take care of myself and how I look. I like being alone, but they just couldn't leave me alone. I don't have permanent friends I kept on not wanting to be in touch with them so I ended up losing them they just want me because I'm useful for some things, except for my 1 best friend who knows her limits. I can't open up to someone even with my mother, I want to speak but I'm also afraid of being rejected, they'll probably think I'm just reacting but it hurts inside, sometimes I started crying because of NOTHING I also laugh madly while crying like the joker at batman and I don't know why? It just happened suddenly.