Hey, so I'll try to summarize things without giving too many specific info but giving enough for you to be able to form an opinion.

I met a guy online a month ago, we started gaming, got closer (all while playing in a squad), our private messages became more flirty and cutesy making it obvious that we're both interested in each other without actually stating it, then some days ago he dropped the L-bomb (to which I honestly answered that I don't feel love yet but I do like him), and ever since then anxiety has taken over me. Waking up anxious, taking 1-2 hours to calm down, barely any appetite and overthinking during the day, then having to calm myself down before sleep too. It's gotten better, but especially when the anxious waves hit, I'm basically gaslighting and questioning my own feelings for him.

What I do know even in this messed-up state I'm writing in right now, is that I like him in the romantic sense, but I'm not sure it can/will be ever more than that. There are some things I'm "missing" from him which would make me more attracted to him (personality-wise) and would probably make me fall for him, but there are also things that he has which I like and didn't know I needed this much in a potential partner.

I'm just really torn because I know that I'm not gonna have a crush on just any person if they treat me well and give me love, but at the same time if I compare how I feel towards him and how I felt towards other people who I used to like romantically in the past, it's obvious that I'm missing the spark, the fire. I wouldn't want to lead him on and hurt him if I was sure this can't work between us, but at this point I'm honestly not sure if my mixed feelings are because of anxiety or because it really won't/can't work between us.

I don't think I could describe all my feelings towards him clearly, but here are some moments that can maybe help you guys have more insight:

* When I was anxious (but not all-in anxious) on the first bad day, I had the growing urge to just write him a kinda checking-in message, and I did, even though my anxiety wanted to push him away so much (I did this a few times, didn't wait for his answer but I wrote down how I was feeling and checked what he wrote later).
* When I'm not feeling any anxiety, I want to spend time with him, talk to him, goof around. Sometimes I flirt with him or write a cute message, sometimes he does. When he does it, it's basically 50-50 for me ever since the L-bomb: it either warms my heart and I smile, or it annoys me and starts/worsens my anxiety.
* There's a guy in our group who lately started to act kinda weirdly towards me in PMs, like other than the actually nice and caring messages about my wellbeing, he sometimes calls me hun, writes heart emojis, offers one-on-one playing sessions and things like that... So yeah, like I said, I feel weird about that - on the other hand, (when I'm not anxious) it flatters me and makes me happy when "my" guy writes these kinda things to me.
* Like I mentioned before, I miss that kinda excitement, the spark. However, (again, given that I'm not anxious) I feel safe, accepted, loved and cared for around him. He respects and understands when I say I need time/space, and I honestly believe him when he says it doesn't bother him when I'm acting all weird in this anxious state (he didn't call me weird, it's me saying that).
* I'd feel jealous and disappointed if he would flirt with another girl. And however much my anxiety in its lowest point tells me to just cut him out of my life, I can't do that. I wanna fight anxiety for him almost as much as for myself, and I'd feel devastated for both of us if it turned out that I have no chance of loving him romantically.
* Before the L-bomb I just enjoyed my time with him, tried to concentrate on and live in the present. I'm trying hard now too, but it's rare that I can keep a longer conversation with him without getting anxious at one point.

And for the end, I wanna add that this would be my first real relationship (I'm in my early 20s), so at least part of the anxiety is probably because of this. The second thing I wanna add is that I already have an appointment to a consultation with a psychologist, just really needed to write this out of myself now. I kindly ask you to not say anything rude if you feel like this is only platonic love or that it can't evolve into romantic love; I'd never want to hurt him on purpose, that's why I'm desperate enough to post this here. Would be awesome if people with the same core experience (aka not knowing exactly what do/did they feel towards someone) would share their story with me.

Edit: I finished writing this like an hour ago, since then I messaged him and we went into pretty deep topics. I basically told him that I'm not sure about my feelings but I want him to stay in my life, whether as a friend or something more, and he told me some personal things which made me even more scared of how much would it hurt him if I were to cut him off. I'm literally shaking with anxiety and can't think straight now.