I shown more signs of bpd when I was in my late teens and early 20s then now. I used to eat and drink to fill the void, listen to music constantly and daydream a lot when I was bored. I had men in rotation, my sex drive was  moderate. I had always been insecure but I had confidence boosters here and there where I felt pretty. Like eating was enjoyable for me (it was basically my safe haven ), I had energy to go out back then even when deep down I was so sad and insecure and my life wasn’t what I wanted it to be.  I wasn’t close to my family still not , I never received much attention from them. I dealt with a lot of neglect in my early childhood and teens from my mom and etc ….Like I would go through  depression for a month or so and then bounce back. Even with the  two sucide attempts I made back to back but then I was able to recoup. as well as my  trauma I was experiencing  that kept added up throughout the  years. I was still able to deal with it and repressed it and keep moving.But between last year and into this year. I don’t  know something feel different within in me  ,Since  the last person I was talking to (  short lived favorite person) idk if he did a number on me, mind you we weren’t in a relationship ( we  were just hunching and talking everyday ) but when he detached from me . He said some really mean things to me , which brought my self esteem even lower and it was already at a one.  Everything within  me just got worse ( I  have always been sad and depressed  for years even throughout high school. I never had alot of friends and I was bully alot . So I was always dealing with social anxiety and depression but this feels worse than that and I can’t even describe in words is like I always  felt empty and dark but this feeling  feels   different in the most peaceful way but not in a good way. I have been in isolation with just going to work and that it for three months , lost extreme amount of weight , food is not enjoyable and I can’t cry up to recently normally I would laugh it off but not even that , I’m not angry …. It just nothingness attitude with people was worse because I was dealing with  emotional pain internally and now I’m nicer and quieter now like make it make sense  but I don’t care about anything now.  I change my number ( the second time in years)my phone been dry and it doesn’t bother me , old me would be going insane , looking for reassurance, attention and  the  short lived fake love that I always used to. I been rewatching Bojack horseman for weeks that the only thing that I can watch and just sleeping like twice a day. Mind you I never been the type to rewatch shows like that because I get bored easily and I used to have insomnia.I push two people that I known for years  away , the  only two ppl that  wasn’t short lived in my whole 27 years of life. I can’t even gather the energy to spend time with them. It like I’m not bouncing back like I how normally do and I don’t know , is like I feel like I’m giving up slowly and just waiting on something to happen to me organically meaning I don’t even  have the the energy to attempt again.  I don’t care to better my life , I’m over everything  including that  love shit thing and life just feel mad whack and  pointless to me. Is this numbness? Can anybody tell me what this feeling is ?