I’m a 29 year old male and I have recently come to term with my SPA. At first it went by other names, like “your a lesser man” “what’s wrong with you” “does it work?” “What are you so nervous about?” “You’ve done this before whats the problem now?” It has been frustrating, humiliating, depressing, and shameful. It has unequivocally changed not only my perception of myself but also my love life and how I deal with those I love, like, and choose to be intimate with. What’s worst is that it has gotten this far at all. 

I’ve been suffering from it since I first tried to have sex. In fact my first time was botched because of it. I had met a girl in school and all week we had talked about being together. The build up lead to the doubtful thoughts; “will she like it?” “Will I be any good?” “I’ve never done this before” etc… all of which in hindsight lead to me not being able to perform. I tried everything to get it up, I was aroused but my body was still wrecked with nerves. We ended up just doing oral and I made an excuse, which was the truth, that I was nervous.

Well, after that I did go on to have sex, and many times over with my girlfriend of 4 years. It was really no problem, and we couldn’t stop doing it. After my girlfriend became my ex, I did start to date. This is when the problem started to come back. I would meet women in college and sometimes things just got physical instead of it being more about getting to know the person, which is fine we’re all consenting adults with urges. Nevertheless, there would be, I would say one out of every three girls I couldn’t perform for. This problem has persisted into my adult life with about the same odds. It dictates to me who I can date and who I cannot date, and for no other reason then I would be too nervous to perform for that girl. 

I sometimes feel bad because if I had to simplify it, it seems to only happen when I meet a woman I like. When I feel that the performance and quality of the sex will determine whether or not she will want to be with me I feel is when the nerves creep in the most. Now I have been with other women that I was less interested in romantically but still attracted to physically. And more often than not we have no trouble. The same goes for women that I find slightly less attractive than my standards.

How am I supposed to be with somebody that I am truly interested in on all levels if we can’t cross the physical boundaries? If I can’t get over my nerves, my self doubt, my self-loathing….. The most recent example seems to be the one has broken the camels back. I’ve met this great girl and it is extremely rare, especially in the place I live, to meet somebody who is willing to spend the time to get to know someone and wants more. 

This entire time me and her have been talking about how much we like each other and how into each other we are. We even talk as if we are going to be together and nothing would make me happier. Needless to say when the time arose for us to have sex, everything was fine and progressing, except I didn’t feel it down there. As we’re doing our foreplay, our bodies touching, her hands touching me, my hands touching her, I thought to myself this is exactly what I want. I want her, I want her mind, her admiration, her affection, and now she is giving me her body. But the nerves was there my hands couldn’t stop shaking, my body tremble. As we laid in the bed I reach for a condom, knowing I was nowhere near erected  enough to even put it on, in fact I was flaccid. Nevertheless I had hope for the best and that’s right I tried everything I could think of. But the thought,”your sick isn’t hard and she’s right here, wtf is wrong with tou?” Was all I can manage to Think of. 

As I look down into her eyes I saw the light leave and the realization that it wasn’t happening seem to dawn over her. Her gaze left mines, no longer one of intimacy but of doubt, regret, and embarrassment. I could see in her eyes she was wondering if she made a mistake, and whether if I was into her or not. At that point I could see the doubt whether or not she could truly be with me seem to plant itself in her mind like a weed in what was once a rose bed of possibilities. 
 
I’ve never been this low before, I’ve been close, but never this low on this issue. Since then I spent the last two days in bed, depressed, riddled with self-doubt, loathing, shame, and concern. Not to mention I don’t even know how to approach her, how can I even look her in the eye and be taken seriously as a man she would want to be with.

I’ve decided to try medication to help with stimulation and staying power so I can perform. And I hope, that it’s not too late. For both her and my what little self confidence I have.