TW: Mentions of s*x*al ass*ult + s*ic*de

Hello everyone :) I’m dealing with a pretty disturbing problem right now and I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

I suffer with depression and social anxiety and it’s been really bad lately. But there’s currently a major problem that’s contributing to my illnesses a lot.

Recently I’ve been been experiencing intrusive thoughts about people in my family hurting me. However, I’m learning to keep these under control through techniques I learned in therapy. There’s one thing I find very difficult to control, though. I’m having persistent suspicions about a particular family member wanting to sexually assault me. 

I’m convincing myself that he’s attracted to me and he’s waiting for a moment to do this to me. It’s giving me serious anxiety whenever I’m around him or think about being around him.

The thing is there’s pretty much no evidence to suggest this is true. I get paranoid even when he looks at me. So I’m also convincing myself that there’s something that’s happened in the past that I’ve missed or forgotten about.

It’s overwhelming me with guilt. He’s done so much for me and we get along well. I see him regularly. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone in my family and I have no friends to tell either. I’ve told my mum about my intrusive thoughts but not this specifically. I even considered asking her why he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet because I’m scared it’s because of me. My last therapy appointment is next week. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with this? It’s gotten to the point where it’s contributing to my suicidal ideation. Just talking to anyone at this point would help. I feel so alone right now.

If anyone read this to the end, thank you :)