I feel to much, I think too hard, I can't get anyone to understand what I'm feeling (sometimes even my therapist) I envy other's life too much and that makes me feel like a terrible being.
I have tons of ideas and projects I'd love to do but after so many bad experiences from the past 4+ years (moved cities, had I a job and was constantly abused, moved places 5 times last year, got sexually abused twice) and the imposters syndrome (I feel like I know a lot but just the surface, not enough to be *good* at anything so I don't deserve to have an opinion on that) have me in a suicidal state. 
I live in a third world country where you have to have your life made up by 30. I don't have anything but my ideas, but I can't make myself do them because I'm scared of failing like I've failed in the past years and start spiraling and then try to kill myself again. I compare myself too much, all the time to anything and anyone. 

My market value as a woman is going to drop by that age, no one will want to be with someone as depressed and "difficult" as me, so I think might as well  do my ideas and projects but I can't, I just can't, I just want to sleep every free moment I get. Sometimes I just wish I had cancer or an STD so I can *do stuff* while having a deadline so I can force the *live the fullest* attitude and stop comparing myself or being afraid of failing. 

I really can't believe I've been depressed most of my life and almost reaching 30 without feeling a little bit of peace has me thinking if it's worth living afterwards.