I don't even know if this relates to my bpd or if it's something else.. but I have about 3 or 4 good friends including my boyfriend and they're all such wonderful, intelligent, cool beautiful people. And the past couple months or so I've been really struggling with my identity because there's really not much to me; I'm not as pretty as them, or as funny, I'm nowhere near as interesting and I don't have my life together like they do. 

There's one friend in particular that I completely obsess over, more than I obsessed over my boyfriend when we first started dating. I check their social media multiple times a day, eagerly await their every message and I get so, SO down if they don't reply for even a few hours. I love them so much.. they are seriously one of the coolest people I've ever met. I think because they have such a strong, defined personality and their 'aesthetic' is the same as mine but i barely even know who I am. I'm getting so jealous of them that now I kind of hate them. I check their social media even more often than before now but I don't feel excited anymore, I feel angry and upset. Whenever they message me, no matter what the subject is, I always feel like they're kind of showing off?? Or something?? I honestly can't even explain it, I just feel so much anger and resentment towards them for no real reason. My boyfriend saw a character in a game that dressed the same way as them (which is also how I dress) and said 'oh hey, that kinda reminds me of [friend]', and I had to leave the room without saying anything so I didn't snap at him for it. Like it was a tiny otherwise insignificant comment but it could NOT have been said at a worse time rn. 

Has anyone else experienced this before? I feel like it's definitely a spiraling kind of thing, like it's only gonna get worse, so how do I stop it before that happens? I feel like if I carry on like this I'm gonna blow up at them and they really don't deserve it