I've been diagnosed with CPTSD. I feel the need to say this right off the bat just for context. I'm not quite sure how to phrase this :// but I really feel the need to just make sure that there's the understanding that everything said here relates to myself: the ideas, the "readings," the phraseology. It only works within the context that is me trying to understand myself. I hope noone is upset by this.

All that aside, I came to this subreddit because in my "research" on what amounts to a profound lack of self-image, aside from the occasional article talking about self-esteem, only information about BPD came up.

I was trying to talk to my therapist today about this lack of self-image. And I found it most helpful to put this through the framework of the old Freudian(specifically talking about the book Anti-Oedipus here) definition of schizophrenia, which is, from what I understand, profound dissociation.

For as long as I can remember, which isn't that far back really, I've had this inability to associate with the reflection in the mirror. The rational explanation for it having to be me isn't really helpful because the disconnect is a purely emotional one. I recognize the features cuz I've seen them for so long. It just obviously isn't me. There really isn't an ideal me in this aspect either. There is nothing that looks apt. It's like I have dysphoria about having to exist as human. That's the closest I can get to explaining it outside of "schizophrenia"(I feel bad about using the term like that as I have no actual understanding of the illness).

It almost feels like an existential crisis: No framework fits me -&gt; I need to break down all frameworks -&gt; Wait... how do I even extract meaning from anything now. Except, I'm not sure I ever had to break down those frameworks. It feels like they've been broken down for me. I'm not sure by what. 

Any and all thoughts appreciated. I just feel alone.

tl;dr -&gt; I can't find any internal meaning because it feels like nothing is there. This makes me uncomfy ://