Sometimes what angers me about BPD is that no one really understands (unless they of course, have it) all the "little" things that happened along the way to make that happen.


And right now I'm so angry at all those things.



My father beat me everyday after "quizzing" me on advanced math things and if I got it wrong, off to a beating it went. I remember being beaten at like 3 for mixing up "b" and "d" when writing it on this chalkboard we owned.


My mom hit me too, but not to that degree. Instead she told my dad to make sure he didn't leave any marks, otherwise people would ask questions. She did make sure to constantly tell me I needed to lose weight and point out how good other people looked.



And I didn't get a break in school. In school I was bullied and I honestly have no idea why. Like, I went to 4 different schools and it wasn't until HS that I made some friends. But the 3rd school involved being orally raped by a guy and then having to deal with him "bragging" to his friends. I was barely 13. I didn't even know what cum was bc it's not like we ever talked about that in my house. But since we're on uncomfortable topics, my dad used to "tuck" me into bed by kissing my ears and neck all over until I was about 9.




And I think the root of all the blasted problems around having a fp happened in my HS. Finally ONE person decided to like me. That had never happened before. And so I would be set up to completely fail at life. Nothing about my childhood was normal - parents, schoool, neighborhood friends, etc - nothing. And it really sucks that that shapes you into someone who's dysfunctional even into their 30s.