Feels awful to see everyone see me struggle with my existence after it became so well-known to my friends and fam that I simply don’t want to be alive. Makes it worse that they act oblivious to me knowing that they know. But you can see it in their eyes, it’s at the tip of their tongues but they too don’t want to believe that I believe my life would be better if it just ended. 

And it feels even more awful seeing myself push my empty tank of a life up this steep, steep hill. I know how better off I would be dead. Shoving all sorts of “life is worth living” etc down my throat won’t help me view life any better. All 23 years of my life have been utter shit. Yes I’m still “young”, but you can’t expect me to believe things get better knowing and feeling how I do. 

I hate it here.