Hi all, 

Just had a very real wake up call that my bpd is still very real and very present regardless of the massive amount of progress i have made since my diagnosis in 2017.

To cut a long story short, my boyfriend just brought up "celebrity pass". If you don't know what it is, it's where people in relationships are allowed to have one celebrity they can sleep with and you can't be mad. 

I know he was joking. I know he is loyal. I have no doubt of his commitment to me. He wasn't intending this with any harm so i don't want any comments suggesting he was. 

This is how it went:

&gt; He sent the message.
&gt; Literally .5 of a second after reading it, with out any actual thought besides me imagining him thinking about other women, particularly a famous one (which is now going to be something i have to work very hard to not be a trigger whenever i notice them), physiological distress. My physiological symptoms have always been my strongest issue with mental health because they aren't as easy for me to distract from as thoughts are.
&gt; Head spins. Feel sick. Acid in stomach. Cold. Shaking. Hard to breathe.
This is the best one. I have a heart rate monitor to check my bio stats since the covid stuff started happening. I stuck my finger in there.
It starts beeping at me, warning me. My heart rate is 135.
135.
My heart rate is normally 55 so it literally doubled in less than a second. 

And now i feel stupid, guilty, sick, dissociated and acid is tearing through my stomach. 

Its been a while ive had a reaction this strongly. 

I just needed to get this out.

Thanks for reading.