I had a massive pulmonary embolism that spread to both lungs in early August and almost died. Partly almost died because I thought it was a panic attack and waited 1.5 hours since symptoms began to call 911.

Fast forward to a few days ago. My pulmomary embolism symptoms came back although not as strong but still I knew that it felt similar to before. 

They did a CT scan and what did they find? Inflamed lungs and...my SAME PE of MODERATE size. 

I was initially told by my hematologist that it would be GONE by 3 months since it occured! It has been over that by quite a bit and not even down to a small size!

Well it has only gone from large to moderate and is now partially blocking the left lung and it's hard to breathe and I get dizzy. 

The ER doctor sent me home with "sorry there is nothing we can do" and told me to watch out for symptoms of heart attack and stroke.

I have to live in daily fear with this medium sized clot in my chest. Not knowing if a piece will break off and cause a stroke/heart attack. Not knowing when it'll reduce in size. 

I feel like a walking ticking time bomb.

I can hardly sleep and my anxiety is through the roof.

How should I deal with this? How do I just live with this thing in me that could kill me at any second?

I know this isn't the typical anxiety post but please please any advice or support or anything would be greatly appreciated