Hello, i am a 16 year old boy. Here are some things that make me feel pretty down and I'm not sure what i can do about them. Any help would be greatly appreciated.



1st. I spend all day everyday trying to figure out if i have autism, all the online tests have said no (by a large margin) and yet i still feel as though there is the possibility that i am. But I'm not ready to admit to myself that i will always be seen as different and having that thought confirmed in my mind instead of believing that i might not be autistic.

2nd. I have no real friends (none that actually want to be my friend). By this i mean that i feel like all my 'friends' only talk to me because they feel bad that I'm clearly not a regular guy. 

3rd. I'm scared that my dad thinks of me as a disappointment, we always have great banter and get along but i feel like he's kind of embarrassed to have me as a son. Not only that but i feel like my older brothers and sisters try to distance themselves as far way as possible as they might feel embaressed that they are related to me.

4th. I don't necessarily enjoy anything in life, i enjoy the occasional bit of xbox but that just gets boring. I used to love playing sports as in IN LOVE with them. I used to feel like i meant something i was seriously good at football and other sports but let myself go after years and years of thinking that i looked like a idiot playing them and that no one wanted to be on my team or anything, so now all i do is sit on xbox, drinking every night.

5th. In terms of adult stuff (sex, getting drunk etc..) i have zero idea what i am even doing. To be honest, i am embaressed and scared that when they day comes (if the day comes) i will mess it all up. It gets to the point where i don't even feel like a man.

6th. I am awful at conversations (or social gatherings), i can barely even maintain a conversation without thinking what i am saying or doing. Its not like i hate talking to people it's more the fact that i am absolutely useless at it.  Alot of the time I'm always fidgeting about because i think i might look stupid. Also sometimes i feel like i can go on and on about something that could have been said in 2 sentences lol.

7th. I am clearly an ugly person, I've spent a majority of my teenage years trying to pursuade my self that i am reasonably good looking but i came to terms that i am clearly just not a good looking bloke. Wether it be because i might be autistic or maybe I'm just bad looking, the obsession has taken over my life. I have lost the motivation to have basic human hygiene because in my mind i don't see the point in trying to look good when i can't look good. It also plays it's part in conversations and just daily scenarious like standing in a line thinking about if people think i am ugly or weird.

8th. I base my entire life and personality off of other people. I dont feel like myself anymore i spend all my time trying to pursuade my dad that I'm not just some kid to be disappointed in. And spend other time time trying to form myself into some sort of super cool pussy magnet when i will never be.

9th. I have (from what i feel like) very bad intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts were one of the main things to have really kickstarted this whole feeling down thing. It has made me spend hours upon hours everyday obsessing over something i thought about or something that i have done (mainly always sexual). They have made me feel like a complete weirdo amd have drastically reduced any chnace of me enjoying life to the fullest. By this i mean i am too scared to get drunk or anything incase i act upon one of these horrific thoughts. And sure whenever i come to realise these thoughts are my mind playing tricks and that it isn't truely me they always come back in another form and they always manage to trick me into believing I'm some sort of sick monster. Not only that but some of these thought twisted and turned through my teeny tiny brain so much that they made me act upon these thoughts. Like masturbating to some crazy disgusting shit and by the time i realise its my mind playing tricks its already too late and I've already spend hours thinking about what i have just done. (PS: Still trying to figure all this HOCD stuff out, and wether or not it is just me)

10th. It has got to the point where i think to myslef would dying even be that bad? I mean you dont have to spend everyday of your life obsessing and worrying about these stupid things that ultimately have me right by my bollocks. It has also got to the point where i have began to get an addiction to sleeping. I mean when i sleep and i dream i am literally in my dream world where i don't need to care about these things.