I’ve been with my fiancé who has BPD (but doesn’t know it) for 6 years. I didn’t know about the BPD until I started seeing a therapist that myself last month. We moved in together in May of this year. To be honest with you, it was overwhelming especially with the lockdown. He was constantly criticizing my clothes, critiquing small things I do, expecting me to always drop everything to comfort him every day, showing signs of hypochondria, having rage episodes that would end up directed at me even if I wasn’t involved, etc.

I told him several times I wasn’t happy, and I asked for a break and for couples counseling after 2 months of constant battles. He took that as a breakup, forced me to move out abruptly, and it’s been followed up by weeks of texts telling me I’m basically the worst person ever and every insult in the book. He says I never ever made him feel good and all this other stuff. I know he is hurt, and if I had known this would be set off I never would have done it. I had no idea about the diagnosis when I did it, or why it would trigger him so bad. 

He has since calmed down a little and I keep telling him I love him and want to be with him. He keeps saying he doesn’t know how he feels, that I never did anything nice for him (simply not true), and that he can’t tell if he loves me anymore and can’t feel it anymore. I know how he is - he either 100% loves or 100% hates someone. But I just don’t know how to help him back to remembering that I love him and have been good to him because right now he is afraid of letting me back in his life, and me leaving again. I continue to reassure him I don’t want to do that and won’t. I wanted to work on our relationship not end it. 

It’s really hard because he has broken up with me in the past 2 times very abruptly. Once, he broke up with me when my dad was on his deathbed and he knew my dad only had a few days left. I never got an explanation for why, but I forgave him. This time, the first time I initiated anything, he won’t forgive me. I do love him and do want to work on this. Can anyone give me any useful advice?