I’m honestly at a total loss. I feel so incredibly stunted because i am almost 34 years old and I still do not know how to control my emotions instead of letting them control me.

When I get angry, I don’t seem to have the ability to pause and choose what to do next. When I say that, everyone thinks I’m lying. It sounds like a lie. I know in theory that saying I can’t achieve this is false and that I’m supposed to stay positive and believe in myself and learn how, but I don’t actually know HOW. 

I tried therapy back in 2019 (There is a free service in my country but it’s very hard to access with long waiting lists, and I would not be able to repeat this process as I now work full time and can’t attend the weekday sessions. Paid therapy is unaffordable for me) but I just didn’t really … get it, you know? It’s obvious to say ‘stop and pause and breathe and count to 5’. Of course I’ve thought of doing it. I don’t need someone else to tell me to realise that’s what you’re meant to do. the problem is - I don’t feel like I get the opportunity to do that. I don’t get a moment of agency. 

My anger eclipses me. My anger is like somebody else takes over my brain entirely and I can no longer access my own rational thoughts or mind. it’s like a demon. It’s like red hot ball of metal that I don’t know where to put. I throw it because I can’t swallow it. 

9/10 times I take my anger out on myself and usually that means punching my head or legs as hard as i can. I figure it’s better to hurt myself than someone else or to damage property. Plus usually I’m angry because i’m mad about something I’ve done. The other times, I have taken anger out physically on my partner. It’s rare, like, once-a-year rare, but once is as bad as 100 time. Even just the yelling is bad. I don’t want to be this person. I would like to be a calm, nice person who doesn’t get triggered by criticism. I wish I was unbothered and had no feelings at all. If I was in a relationship with someone like me, I would be terrified. I would leave. 

I know and accept that I’m abusive. I think I’m trash honestly and I’ve made it very clear that I think he should leave me. I wish, wish, wish i could change. I wish i could grow up and mature. I don’t know HOW. The only answers i can find seem to be like ‘do it by doing it’. 

How, how, how do you stop yourself?