I feel like something that’s really holding me back from whole heartedly being kinder to myself (or more realistic my therapist would say) and to actually believe the more kind and positive reframes, like my therapist is trying to get me to (for a year now) is this fear that that’s not what I need, and that I actually need to be harder on myself, and try harder and change things about myself and also that somehow, if I can be aware of all my faults and flaws, and self-aware and a good person and I feel like the yardstick for whether or not I’m a good person is if I am appreciated and loved by others Then it will prove that I’m bringing something positive into the world or growing or maturing — if I could just forget about myself, and stop caring so much about myself and my own pain and be more humorous and lighthearted, I feel that would also be a sign that I was a good mature person who brought joy into the world.

So even though a part of me secretly, against my better judgement, really just wants to wallow in my pain, think about it, talk about it even (though I don't usually because I fear the response and judgement from others), to have my feelings and perceptions validated, and is sort of always longing in this very immature and embarrassing way for attention, kindness, sympathy, gentleness, and to be soothed and built up — I really kind of hate that part of me and think it’s the opposite of what I need and I should move away from that, should stop focusing on myself so much, and my own inner “pain” which I almost feel like I’m making up and exaggerating, maybe unconsciously, because I desperately childishly want to be saved. I don’t know if others sense this or not because every time I admit this “secret” to others they say that they don’t see me that way but that’s what I hope they will say so maybe I’m subconsciously manipulating the situation so they have to say that, or I’m so good at hiding/faking/lying to myself about it that they really can’t see it but it’s only because I’ve hidden it? 

Does any of this make sense? I know I overthink things but I really feel like if I don’t, I would be worse off, and thinking and ruminating is a way to restrain myself from acting too much on my childish impulses to be soothed, validated and sympathized with. I’m really asking for honest opinions here not just validation so please please don’t hold back. What do you think? Should I do as my therapist says and try to be kinder to myself and acknowledge that I’m hurting and too hard on myself and also admit that others have hurt/are hurting me and I don’t have to internalize all their negative feedback (even if I think it’s somewhat true— this is the confusing part)—- OR is what I need truly have more to do with pushing myself and thinking about myself less, being more grateful, and being a little stricter and tougher on myself? What is a better goal? Is my apparently low self esteem because I’m too hard on myself or too easy on myself? 