Like the title says I’ve been depressed all my life and I’ve been in treatment for 10 years now. I don’t think I can be fixed and I feel lost. Countless medications, hundreds of hours of different therapies, inpatient treatment, outpatient treatment, exercise routines, changes in diet, moving to a different place…. And I’m still in the exact same place that I was 10 years ago.

Somehow I feel so calm. At peace, almost, with the fact that I cannot get better. I am beyond help and I accept that. I just don’t know what to do about it now. The only thing I look forward to is sleeping or work meetings when I can put on a smile and talk to someone and see them smile too, even if it’s only for 30 minutes. 

I think about all the people who die in car accidents every day, and maybe in the future I’ll be lucky enough to be one of them. 

I promise I tried so, so hard. I wanted to be okay so bad. I really did. I just need someone to believe that and then I will truly be at peace.