Earlier this year I developed a terrible insomnia that lasted a few weeks and was crippling, at exactly the same time I started therapy. It eventually passed, but ever since I have issues sleeping for maybe one night a week. I'm mostly pretty used to it by now and don't stress too much unless it's more than one night a week bc it makes me anxious if I'm constantly tired. However since a bit before Thanksgiving I've started not being able to sleep for more than 7 hours a night, and the last two nights I've been waking up every half hour for almost the entire night (at least at some point yesterday it stopped and I slept straight through, at the moment I'm taking a break from trying to make myself sleep to make this post so I don't know if it'll go the same way yet).

I know I have trauma related to the holidays from growing up with someone extremely emotionally and verbally abusive who was INSANELY controlling about the holidays. I no longer speak to this person, but about once a year she still tries to reach out around this time and demand to come visit even though she's been cut out just to rock the boat and make everybody miserable. Thankfully this year I already know that she's too afraid of the current global health situation to try and pull anything, but I've been talking to my therapist a lot about the concept of "physical memories" and how my body was evolved specifically to remember traumatic events for survival purposes. Meaning that even if I don't consciously remember trauma, my body does and is likely to react with fear. So, naturally, despite being completely safe and happy, I'm struggling with anxiety, and thus my insomnia is back.

My point in making this post is just to vent, I guess, and to ask for reassurance that this is gonna pass. My insomnia last time went away, and I'm sure it will this time too. But it's scary and it would help me a lot to hear kind words from outside my own head. Especially when I'm struggling to hear my own positive affirmations over the battlefield replaying in my head this time of year.

Bless you guys ❤