I feel guilty for being alive. I have lost all ambition. I thought life would get better. It’s not like I’m taking any steps to change so maybe the problem is just me. I try to stand positive but lately all I feel are expectations. Of who I am, my presentation, and what I need to be. I can’t pick a hobby, I have too many that overloads my mind. I can support others but I can’t support myself. I wish I could get rid of my emotions. Maybe then, I could try to move forward in my life. Words don’t touch me anymore, I got told that my lil sister is grateful for me. Usually I would be jumping for joy bc she can acknowledge that I love her &amp; will always be there for her but I didn’t feel anything. Whenever people talk to me about their things going on, I can help them but when it comes to me and solving my problems. I’m just the problem. I have a trauma response to someone I live with and no matter how I try to calm myself down, I just get mad at her and she’s very old now. It’s not like I want to start something but her presence just makes me feel anger even if she’s not doing anything. I know I need therapy but I just don’t have the finances for it. I already don’t have a job and living at home. I’ve been told to live for myself recently and it hit hard bc literally what’s kept me alive or my reason for living was other people needed me. Which I’m not sure I feel that anymore since I don’t even know if I need me. I know I don’t want to die but sometimes I can imagine how much better it will feel. My mind carries too much and I’m a pretty selfish talker as in I just talk about myself a lot. I always am available for everyone around me but I don’t even know why I do that anymore. I just don’t feel that appreciation? Which why does that matter right. My problems aren’t what someone has done to me, it’s always been me. I am the problem. I always sang a song called ruined my life and I’ve always sang my heart out bc that’s how I feel about my mind. I am the one who ruined my life. Sure someone in the past hurt my self esteem but all the things and who I’ve grown into is from me. It’s all my fault. What am I suppose to do knowing all of this?