8 years ago I had my first-break psychosis', and mental health episode at my High School when I was younger at the age of 17 after the two tragic deaths of my best friends that lead me into a prodromal phase. During my episode where it was me thinking I was Jesus Christ, and this other woman I was hallucinating was The Virgin Mary. I ended up getting arrested by a police officer and going to the hospital for wandering the hallways listening to my first auditory hallucinations from God telling me they were going to lead me to her. Now that I had come out with this information during my psychosis to my classmates; people had started to treat me differently.

These toxic "Alpha females", as they referred to themselves threw me under the bus when I tried talking to another girl. They told me she was a lesbian and was waiting till college to come out, and I should move on with my life. Ended up not being true after I believed it for 2 years.

I tried telling the first girl about this other girl being lesbian via DM, and she got a restraining order on me for contacting her after having the episode about her in High School. We followed each other on Instagram up until this point and weren't too unfamiliar with each other so I sort of got this wrong in my mind. For the life of me, I thought If I would and could've made a difference by messaging her to try and change things between us to get her to like me but it only made her hate me more.

I got arrested again after this restraining order was in place for the invasion of privacy for trying to suicidal ideate by talking to her on her campus through the address on the restraining order during another undiagnosed psychosis before I was diagnosed bipolar. That was in 2017, and it's still been 5 years since I've had a job because of my charges.

Long story short, I was years later diagnosed with schizoaffective-bipolar Type II in 2021 but this wasn't after having 2 restraining order's on me because I was "a harm to her". By "harassing her" whenever it was just my community that vilified me and made her the victim whenever I would be contacting her with my undiagnosed psychosis' of schizophrenia.

After my diagnosis' things luckily cooled off because I had told a third party that was mutual friends with the girl that had the restraining order on me that I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective, and after another year of the restraining order being in place she let it expire without getting another one or asking for a permanent restraining order. We opened a line of contact through each other, and this third party and started to talk about how she thought I was "controlling, and visionless" she also said that since time had passed by so much since we first had met that nothing was ever going to work out between us because we were entirely new people by the time we would talk again. She also said lastly...... "I freed you for freedom's sake, there are always brighter days around the corner so never give up".

8 months ago after all of this, I decided to delete my Instagram, and go no contact with the whole situation after realizing that I don't think she was coming back any time soon to unblock me, or would be giving me any type of second chance. It all break's my heart and I don't know what to do with my life because I have not had any contact with a female since my first episode in 2014. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life growing up because I have so much of a burden to explain to a woman, and I've never even gotten past first base since I've had my episode. Yet alone gotten to the point where I have to explain my history to a woman. Women are so intimidating to me, and I get scared when I'm around them because I always feel like that is in the back of my mind looming.

I don't know how I'm going to grow up and look into my daughter's eyes if I have one and tell her that I love her without thinking of the two restraining orders I've been through in my life. It's a terrible thought process to think about, and therapy doesn't fix anything other than seem like it makes me crazier that I would still be going to therapy for something like that if I was to grow up, and have a daughter. What frightens me the most is getting married to another woman because in one of my psychosis' I was very delusional, and bought a $600 Louis Vuitton ring and "proposed" to the girl that had a restraining order on me via social media. So now I have this ring, and will forever think about that moment whenever I have to propose to someone next. 

So now everything in my future for love seems to be ruined, and I don't even want to be with anyone really because I'm not happy with myself, or anyone. Has anyone else dealt with situations like this before, or know anything about it to help me get over this? Any advice, please?