[Its a little bit of a rant. My stress lately has caused me to have gramatical and spelling errors. I'm sorry if a sentence doesn't make sense.]

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I posted previously (http://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/2wku3r/losing_it/) but I need to talk about what has been happening. My wife said that she wanted six months of separation to see if she wanted to be married to me. I found out on Friday (my birthday of all days) that she wanted a divorce and didn't have the courage to tell me. I emotionally broke down and attacked my wife verbally. I threatened to shot myself in front of her among other things. I got an email yesterday in which she said: "Yes. I want a divorce. I am gonna do what is best for me. And the shit you put me through is not what is best for me. If you want to be friends that's fine. If not stop contacting me." 

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I feel so alone and I feel like I'm not good enough to be with anyone. I emotionally want to go on to the next available relationship to avoid being alone even thought logically I know that wouldn't work out. I'm extremely shy and with acquaintances and friends I'm nice and helpful. I don't make a whole lot of friends as I prefer a few close friends to a lot of friends that are not close. People tell me that I'll meet someone that will be better suited for me and I don't believe them. I had my first date when I was 22. I don't go up to people and say hi as its not in my personality.

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I know that, unless Alicia changed, that the marriage wasn't going to work not matter how hard I tried but I'm so emotionally invested in her that it hurts. Before I got diagnosed I began realizing when I was about to lose it. I asked for my space but she would not give it to me. I had keep in grudges and she was afraid to let me go at the very moment that I new I was going to exploded. My mind likes to remind me of things that I did with her in the past. "Do you believe you're missin' out. That everything good is happening somewhere else? But with nobody in your bed.The night's hard to get through" This is how I've felt lately. I want so badly for someone to talk to all the time.

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I watched The Imitation Game for the first time recently and it resulted in my crying uncontrollably for reasons that I didn't anticipate. I realized that me and Alicia could only be friends. I wanted something more out of her that she couldn't provided. In my experience people talk about how sex life is so important to relationships and being compatible. I'm emotionally attracted to women but I'm sexually attracted to men. Its lead to a lot of confusing moments and me cheating twice. The biggest lesson that I've learned and I'll take with me after the divorce is when looking for someone don't necessarily look for common interests. While having some is a big step in the right direction, look for attitudes. What I mean by this is see if the person you like is willing to invest time in the things that you love even if they don't like it as much as you do. Nothing can be as hurtful (for me at least) as being really excited to learn about something or make progress and emotionally feel like your partner doesn't care.

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I looked up how to deal with divorce from the perspective of someone that is dealing with BPD and that was a horrible mistake. All I could find is articles written from the perspective of a spouse of someone with BPD with hurtful assumptions. I don't want to cling on to someone that doesn't love me the way I do. I want to heal, get better, and find someone else when I'm stable. I don't know how to move on however. I keep wishing that I could go back in time knowing what I know now and change everything. Distracting myself helps take my mind off things but it seems only temporary.  