So, a few weeks ago I finished my first semester of classes for my PhD. Today, I finished and submitted the first of two 20 page papers. 

I should feel happy and proud, right? No, I’m not overwhelmed by the depression and emptiness that I’ve been trying to fight through by distracting myself with work. 

I have one more paper due this coming Friday as well as grading to do. Yet, I feel like just curling into a ball and disappearing. Everything hurts. Why does it hurt so much? How do I get it to just stop? I took a year off in between my MA and my PhD to “heal” - I thought I was doing okay. But granted if I’m honest, since I’ve moved back for school - that I only do school work to the detriment of self care (I feel guilty for taking 5 minutes to shower) probably isn’t quite what I’m supposed to be doing. On the other hand, I love what I do and it does in some way distract from the pain I’m in. I just don’t know how long I can go before the dam breaks again. I’m trying so hard to keep myself together emotionally. 

I feel like I’m screwing everything up again and I just got here. I got to my dream. I don’t want to let everyone down, my supervisor put his trust in me. I don’t want to be sick, I don’t want to be unreliable. I don’t want to use my mental health as an excuse. 

I picture a life where I’m happy and full: where I take the time to take on new hobbies (like been wanting to try martial arts or restart CrossFit), and have people, where I can balance my life and school. I can picture it perfectly...but the dead weight in me won’t bring myself to do it. I know it’s my choice though and that makes me feel even more guilty and hopeless. 

I was supposed to go to the department holiday lunch today. None of me has the energy to go. And I’m also avoiding my ex-best friend because I’m scared. What am I afraid of? What is she going to “do” to me? I’m so afraid of just being in her presence after breaking up with her because of constant invalidation? How does that even make sense? 

There’s no point to any of this except to get it out.