I recognise that in the grand scheme of things this isn’t the end of the world, but I feel horrible about myself for it. 

I was seeing a nice guy recently. I went out of my way to make an effort and he told me he wanted to have a relationship with me. So I let my guard down and started to think we were on the same page. I gave a lot more to him than I got back. 

Anyway long story short, he cooled off and I held back for a while, thinking he just needed space. After lots of pointless texts, I eventually asked him if he wanted to cool things off, and he said he didn’t want a relationship after all. Initially I felt ok but soon afterwards my anxiety kicked in and I felt like I needed to know why. 

I did something I’m not proud of at all. I got drunk and called him, and asked what it was I had done to make him change his mind, if he was just wasn’t attracted to me anymore etc. He was polite about it but it was clear he didn’t want to give it another go. I don’t think I even did either tbh, I didn’t even find him all that attractive myself. 

So in an attempt to save face, I told him that, I think?? I don’t remember much about the call (because…well, alcohol) but I do remember trying to be very easy going about it and telling him I now felt better about getting myself back out there. Nothing too bad so far. 

I felt sick about not remembering the conversation and so I texted him a few days later apologising if I was an asshole but it would be nice if we could be friends. He replied telling me that yes, I was, and that he didn’t see us catching up again. I wished him all the best and left it at that. 

My problem is this: I think that he’s a nice guy who wouldn’t have told me I was an asshole unless I had said something really awful. I also feel that from this type of emotional behaviour all men will think I’m crazy and need to be avoided. In my mind, all the emotional drama I’ve caused over my years of dating will soon result in everyone in my whole city knowing I’m a crazy woman.

I know I’m probably just catastrophizing but I can’t bear this part of me and I’m so worried I’ve made a terrible reputation for myself. 

TL:DR - I’m a disaster in relationships, give way more than I get and then get bitter and resentful when rejected. 

Just needed to get that off my chest! I feel like this is the safest place for me to share.