I don't know how else to describe me except to use the words thrown at me so often: I'm unhealthy. I am clingy and needy and no matter how hard I try not to be, I clearly come across that way. There's a reason I'm always cheated on or abandoned for someone better; it's because I'm a piece of shit. I don't deserve anything better than what I've had. I am too demanding. I never think I am, but I must be. I never texted my partners first out of fear of appearing too needy ironically. I always waited like some kind of loyal dog. I tried to not discuss my problems because I knew once I got comfortable enough to then I'd never shut up. I failed at that sometimes though, I am only human haha. I very rarely asked anything of anyone. My last relationship was the first time I did and it blew up in my face! Because I'm such a disgusting shut-in due to covid and because I disclosed my needs I'm unhealthy. 
I really am a manic pixie girl. People only love me for the facade I put up but no one will ever love the real me. The angry and bitter and desperate me. Next time I will keep everything about me a secret. I'll even give myself a new name! I will simply not be me anymore. Because who I am is not capable of being wanted by anyone. Not by my parents, not by partners, not even by the world. I don't even think I can blame my BPD on this. Maybe I can blame it for all the paranoia and the distress I experience on the daily whenever I find myself in romantic situations, but in the end it's all me. My BPD is not a shield from the truth which is that I deserve everything that I got. I am an unfair person.