hi, it is my first time here.

i am still young, but i do not remember a time when i was not feeling like this. what scares me the most is not being alone forever or no one loving me. i am afraid of how comfortable i have become with this thing growing inside of me.

i have people around me. family and friends. i am not the most social person but i manage. however, none of it is real. this person that walks out the door everyday is not real. i am tired of constantly calculating my next move to fit into this persona that lives my life for me. i am tired of how easy it is to hide everything. how easy it is to act like my life is some sort of play. how easy it was to accept the fact that i will be truly alone, forever.

it is not about "no one gets me.". it is about not being able to show myself to those around me no matter how much i try. this frustration makes me so angry. so, so angry. i hate my friends. i hate my family. i hate myself because i hate them. i hate not being able to love someone because my brain keeps telling me it is all fake.

i am not even talking about romance. it is the least of my worries. i just want to feel warm. i want to care for someone. i want to be sad when they are sad. i want to be sad FOR someone once in my life.

it is just not possible. i feel like i have lost the ability to care for someone. it destroys me. i feel like i am slowly losing all feelings. i feel myself pulling away from everyone and everything and i do not know if i can survive this again. it took everything in me to start over after the last time i felt all this.

i do not want the only thing i am able to feel to be anger.

i guess i am asking advice on how to open up to people. i do not need big stuff. just daily life things that can make me feel like this life is real. i need help coming out of my body.

did any of this make sense? i guess i just had to write it out.