I've had anxiety since I was 9 years old. I remember being scared of going to restaurants, they'd make me feel ill. This then progressed to not wanting to go to my friend's parties because I didn't like to eat in front of people. Then it turned into avoiding social situations altogether. Now, even going into a supermarket makes me anxious.

When I was at university, not wanting to socialise didn't concern me much. I saw myself as an introvert. I didn't want social connections. A friend = more chance of them wanting to hang out with me = anxiety. I was particularly anxious at parties and social gatherings so unless I met them whilst working (one friend I did), I wouldn't been friends with them.

I'm now 23 (male), and I'm still seeing my anxiety dictate my life. I currently work from home and often won't leave the house unless it's to do food shopping. I have a group of friends I keep in contact with over message, yet I'm too anxious to ever meet up. A lot of these friends are moving on in their lives, which I don't blame them for, considering our friendship never built up to it's potential because of my anxiety. The main people I talk to are my parents that I live with. This presents it's own issues as I don't feel I've ever found my identity. My brother and sister either formed long-term relationships or went travelling around the world at my age. Often your sense of being is built through experiences with friends of similar ages or trips you've been on. I feel I can't relate to my generation, as I have the mindset of an older person, considering my parents are not only my parents, but also my main social group. I have a cynical view on the world, generated by the shame I have for having IBS, which causes anxiety like a cycle. At school I was teased for having it, so now everyone I meet I think will laugh at me. I almost don't want to get to know people, because I don't want them to hurt me.

I don't have many hobbies or interests, other than my job. I do solo activities like reading/jogging/podcasts. However, I don't find myself 'enjoying' them anymore, it's more something I do because I'm bored.  I used to be quite passionate about my job, it's something I loved doing since I was a kid. If little me could see myself career wise he'd be ecstatic. 'You get to work on that?! Wow!!!!!!'. Yet if he saw my life outside of work, he'd be sad. Most days, I'll just surf the internet or reflect on how my anxiety is dictating my life, whilst seeing friends finding love, going partying or fulfilled in their interests.

I've tried to address the anxiety, at the end of my school years I went to CBT sessions. Unfortunately the therapist wasn't for me. When I attended university, I decided to go privately to a councillor who I'm still seeing once a month after 2 years. I think they've helped quite a bit. I went from staying at the change-over station trying to find the courage to get on the next train, to picking up a hospitality job whilst at university. My motivation to succeed career-wise sometimes shifts my anxiety aside yet I find it very difficult to do the same in my social life. I thought exposure-therapy might help, yet I already had evidence of it not working i.e. I was still very anxious commuting to university even after doing it 3 times a week for 3 years. I think the anxiety probably reduced by 25%, but then plateaued. If there was any change in the situation, i.e. I go on the train with a friend rather than on my own, the anxiety then goes back up as if I'd never tried to tackle it.

Whilst I like my therapist, I think I want to move on and find a CBT person who can set me goals and work through problems together. A councillor can be great, however I thought action might be better than talking. I'm sceptical given the experience I had of my previous CBT therapist though. I feel like there's so many problems to address. If I was anxious in one particular environment, I could see how it might be fixed. Yet my anxiety progresses into all aspects of my life. I was 9 when it started, it's going on 14 years since I first felt irrational anxiety.

How do I address this? Do I force myself to go out more, and deal with the anxiety? Yet when I do, it only gets easier in that specific situation. Should I see a CBT therapist or is there another discipline that's better? What can they do that I haven't already?

My hope is that, by writing this, someone might relate and see there's someone else like them. Or provide advice on what to do. Thanks all.