I feel like I need to cut myself off from social contact and “become a person”, a solid and consistent person unaffected by other people. I also feel like the way I am right now is toxic, I depend on people to provide me with a personality, I do have a personality I do have my likes, dislikes, interests etc but I just don’t feel like I’m as much of a person as everyone else. 

The fact that I’ve never had a solid group of friends probably contributes to this. I crave consistency in who I am and what I do and how I respond to situations. I feel like my reality differs from others to the extent that I even lack empathy, simultaneously constantly viewing myself as a victim. 

I want my own life, I might even have it but I don’t see it, I need an outsider to almost describe me in order to know myself, I constantly feel like a fraud, faking being a person.