If there was a door I could walk out of to just end everything and be done - I'd walk right through it without looking back. 

I've been in a real bad place lately and it's difficult to describe. It's been getting more intense but I fantasize about death, the thoughts have been creeping on me and getting more intense. I have no real urge to do anything about it but it also scares me. 

It went from occasionally thinking about not existing to regularly fantasizing about dying in various ways. It's disturbing, I don't think I could ever act on it but with the frequency that my brain goes there I'm feeling scared. I also don't know how to tell anyone without them freaking out.

When I was 12 or 13, during an argument with my parents I said something about wanting to die - they sent me to an inpatient facility for a week or so. That was traumatic... So, I am terrified of the reaction I'll get if I tell anyone. 

I started talkspace but am still struggling to find a therapist to open up to... 

I don't want to die by any means but my brain keeps circling back to these fantasies of death/nothingness.