I can feel the relapse, it had been years though, guess every three to four years it’s going to come back?
The suicidal thoughts, the loneliness, the feeling of never being loved. I don’t even want to talk or interact with people anymore, I feel that I keep driving them away by my selfishness. I feel like an immature brat, technically I keep on giving until I’m being walked on at work and then abuse of my loved ones’ patience. 
I want to disappear forever, I feel stuck at every level. It’s not the OCD this time at least, I guess there’s that?
I have come to understand that one of my big issue is that I can’t accept the pain, I would do anything for it to stop. How do you accept it/embrace it?
I feel so overwhelmed by many aspects out of control in my life and screw up the few important ones that I have a say in. 
I can’t focus on anything these days, it’s tough and impacting everything. I’m sorry for the ramble, I can’t talk to my loved ones, every one is too tired to listen to me anymore. I just needed to let it out. Thank you for giving me the platform to do so, I am thankful.