I’m in so much pain physically and mentally because of my anxiety. For the past seven years, but it’s gotten to the point for the past four years specially I’ve had this rotting chest tightness. It feels heavy, it feels like the world is sitting on top of my chest. I can hardly breathe. It’s ALWYAS there. It feels like I have some sort of abnormality in my body and everyday I just have to ignore it and pretend I’m fine. My neck feels extremely tense like ALL of the time. I genuinely feel like someone is injecting concrete to my neck and it’s always drying and adjusting itself in my body. My whole body feels tense and I’m never comfortable, my legs and balance feels weak. I have this deep pit in my stomach all of the time like there’s this anxiety just SITTING there, like someone is just living inside of my body just rotting away and I have to live with that. It never ends. 

Mentally I’m constantly doing gymnastics in my head. I’m constantly thinking about every bad thing and person that has wronged me. And the worst part is that it’s 100% intrusive. I don’t CHOOSE to think about these things they are constantly just shoved into my face and my mind. Anger, jealousy, misery is always just fuming inside of me just waiting for something to fix it but nothing will. I keep on thinking about what others have and I don’t because I’m always so miserable. Something bad will happen to me and I will just obsess over it again and again and again and again. And my mind just won’t give up and it won’t give me any sort of relief. Life is just painful, and I don’t have any true moments of relief. I’m just surviving. 

I’ve tried meditating, I’ve tried medication, I’ve tried therapy and at best MAYBE therapy and meditation will give me a temporary release. But at the end of the day nothing significant. 

I don’t value anything about myself anymore. I hate my body and I hate that I’m gay. I feel completely useless. I just don’t see the point in living if I’m just waking up, going to work, being miserable, and coming home. The same shit over and over. The same intense emotions to the point where I think being in so much pain is just normal and that I don’t deserve happiness or love. I just feel like a floating piece of shit. 

The only time I’m happy is when I’m drunk and I think I’m becoming an alcoholic and I’m only 22. Life just sucks.