I'm not okay. I'm writing this because I really want someone to tell me if I'm just overreacting, or if it's valid for me to feel this way. 

I've been having weekly appointments with this new therapist for the past 6 months. Before I started seeing her, I saw another therapist in the same hospital for 6 years. With that therapist, I formed an attachment quickly, but his appointments were extremely infrequent and I would only get to see him once every 2-3 months. So he would bring up difficult subjects, I would get triggered, and then he would leave me high and dry for 2-3 months. It destroyed me, I had no way of coping with the triggers, and I felt abandoned and rejected by him. I wanted help but it was not available. By the time I left therapy with him, my arms were covered in scars, and my ability to trust was destroyed. I left with more issues than I could have ever imagined. 

Then I started seeing this new therapist. I was fortunate enough that despite working for the same hospital, this therapist was able to see me once every week. She knew about the infrequent appointments with the previous therapist and was well aware of my history and diagnosis of Bpd. For many months, I refused to trust her. I didn't want to form an attachment. I tried to push her away, and kept an emotional distance. I was terrified that the same thing that had happened with the previous therapist would happen here too: I would form an attachment, the "real" issues would start coming up, I would start getting triggered, and that's when she would decide to leave. 

I spent 6 months trying to figure out if it was safe, if she would stay. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she was consistent. She knew I was afraid to connect, so she would tell me to connect with her. She knew I was afraid of getting attach, so she encouraged that. Finally, in December last year, I took a leap of faith and started letting down my walls. I started trusting her. I formed an attachment. And of course, my issues started coming out, I was in pain, I was getting triggered, I was drinking more and coping in other unhealthy ways -- but I was okay with that as long as there was someone to help me through it. 

At the start of this year, exactly 4 sessions after I had started opening up to her, she tells me that she's leaving the hospital. This is information she had known for a while, she hadn't known she would be resigning when she took me on as a patient, but she has known this for months. So for months, she encouraged me to open up to her, to trust her, she encouraged connection and attachment, all the while knowing that she would have to leave. 

I feel betrayed and deceived. Had I known that she was going to leave (my absolute worst fear), I would have never let down my walls and even attempted to talk to her about my issues. The only reason why I was even able to trust her was because I thought she wasn't going to leave -- she had been consistent for 6 months. I feel misled now. She repeatedly gave me signs that she wasn't going to leave.  

After she told me she had to leave, I was distraught. I didn't eat for 4 days, I couldn't stop crying, and I wanted to kill myself. I was in pain. I still am in pain and I don't understand why this happened. 

Being left is my worst fear. But sometimes... life happens and people have to leave. While that can still leave me distraught, at the very least, I understand that circumstances change and loss is a part of life. This, however, felt... careless. It's as though she was careless with my feelings, and I was put through so much pain for no reason. Either she had no idea what BPD involves, or she simply didn't care about the damage that encouraging attachment while knowing she had to leave would do. 

I still have about 4 sessions left with her before she has to leave for good. I don't think I want to see her again... I'm struggling with losing her. I'm struggling with what feels like a betrayal of my trust. I don't know how to cope.