its stupid that i am even posting this, but its nothing to regret.

Many people make jokes that they hate school, and it makes them wanna die, at least i think. It literally makes me want to die. i don't find any part of it benefitial or fun, its just do weeks of work, do assignment, fail assignment because my brain cant remember a single fucking thing i do, again and again. i dont even think im going to graduate with any form of ok marks because i just cant will myself to try.

It seems that most my friends are fake, just letting me being around them and the friend group, while not being a friend. Most people dont talk to me first, and if i talk to them they either ignore me, or give me one word answers and end the conversation there. It often seems im closer to random people i meet online then people i have known for a while.

My dad died while a couple of weeks before my birthday, and i basically shrugged the emotional stress of the event off the next day. i barely suffered any kind of sadness after, just guilt that i wasn't as sad. i cried when i watched him die (from brain cancer, glioblastoma multiforme) i feel like a phycopath while i don't want that.

My mother, while most probably trying to be kind, feels like im being bullied every day. Before my dad died, i never did any kind of chores or work for anything. But after my dad died, she instantly expected me to know how to hang out washing, when to take it in, how to clean up, while i was never taught and still don't really know. I get constantly told off even while i don't know why. I feel like getting constant mixed messages.

I'm probably just being an entitled piece of shit, but i don't even know anymore. if i am, im sorry and i'll delete this post.