don’t expect anyone to read this as i already know it’s just going to be me going on some self-pitying rant. 

i just can’t take it anymore. a breakup has triggered an episode and i have already been deteriorating for some time. i am so shocked that somehow the holiday season has managed to be shittier this year than the last. i didn’t even think it was possible. 

i’m so completely alone. every day i am miserable and not a single thing helps. going out, watching shows, playing games, going to therapy, playing with a puppy or my cat, raising the dose on my meds, playing guitar, getting good food. not a single fucking thing helps at all. it all reminds me of her and i can’t take it anymore. 

i am completely alone and mentally and physically sick. i can’t even escape through my fucking sleep anymore because my dreams are haunted by everything that happens in my life. 

talking to the only person left, my mom, makes everything so much worse. she somehow makes it out to be about my abusive father and how i need to forgive him because life is short and how could i live with myself when he dies? 

i genuinely have no desire to be alive. i can’t kill myself because i know she will blame herself for that and i could never do that to her. so i have to wait and drink myself into a fucking coma every day just to get by at this point. all i do is cry all day. i hate everything about my life. i don’t want it anymore.