We dated for about a year and a half and lived together for most of it. I was incredibly unstable and at the time I hadn’t dealt with any of my childhood trauma. I felt like he was a really selfish person but now I don’t know if it had more to do with the fact I struggled to voice what I want. I’ve been with over 40 people, I lost count, and I realize now I had so many negative biases while we dated it made things so hard. 

He was a good guy. Good background. Good family. In contrast my family was a cluster fuck. He left me last May (2020) and I went to a psychiatrist finally (he begged me for months) and got diagnosed BPD. He reached out this past April (2021) but I spiraled out of control and basically disavowed him. Told him to never reach out again one day at lunch and that I would do the same. Except, I did reach out a few weeks ago. I asked him if he had found a $700 pair of sunglasses I haven’t been able to find but all he did was answer the question and block me. 

So now I’m feel super depressed. He was the only person that’s ever truly tried to work with me. We did anger management (for me) and couples therapy but it always felt like we were trying to “fix me”.  It felt so unfair. My ego couldn’t handle it. And now looking back on my life I feel like I never deserved him to begin with and like I have years of failed relationships ahead of me.