So, I'm depressed.. yay. In all honesty I'm trying to figure out what to do and how to fight this right now. So many things flash through my mind and I just need to let it out.

I'm a dumbass who for some reason struggles with the motivation to get up and work. Almost every day I wake up, I'm disappointed that I woke up. I feel like I am a huge failure in my life. 27 without a penny to my name. I have skills and friends, but I feel so insignificant compared to them. Because of my insecurities I have since childhood developed an issue of habitual lying. It's a curse that I break when I'm confident in myself but it always comes back when I'm getting lower... And it just drives me further into my depression.

I have a job with my family business. I'm great at it, probably the best worker my dad has. But that's while I feel great. When I feel like shit I sit in my truck trying to find the will to continue or just reading manga for hours until I realize that I'm a fuckup and need to continue on.

I've been offered a managerial position to make more.... But I can't stop lying to him about my day. I get behind, but I don't want to stress him out so I lie and say I got to everyone or almost everyone, planning to just go tomorrow. He knows... It saddens him. The man that's always been there for me... And I can't be there for him. My ma abandoned me and he was there. Raised me... Been us through thick and thin. She comes back and pretends to care, only to do it again and again before blowing her fucking brains out when I'm 18. And he was still there for me... Always has, always will.... And I'm letting this man down. I'm a worthless son.

I people-please all I can... Cause it makes me hurt less. Makes me feel like I'm doing something good... Even when I'm hurting myself to do it... My whole life I've lit myself on fire to keep others warm. And I don't have much to show for it.

A few friends who care for me... But most have honestly just used me one way or another... Not really friends at this point. More associates...

My dating life has been.... A whirlwind. Ups and downs. But alot of trust issues with women.
Got a great girl now... But I don't know if she expects too much or if I'm just a selfish prick who isn't giving her enough of what she wants... Idk, been a minute and still learning this.

I dream of a family, close knit.... Something I don't feel I have. Probably my fault. I want kids to teach what I have learned and to watch succeed where I failed. Do what I felt wasn't done for me. Help guide them... But I know I'm not in a place to do this. 

I'm burnt out from life.. I want anything new. But what I really want is a new me.... A new me that can and will dig me out if this hell I call my life. A me that doesn't give a shit and will get his goals.... A me that I don't know how to be.... I can act. I do a damn good job of it. But of all the things I have read and seen.... I've never once seen or read a true path to success... The success I want. Its always so vague... I want to be shown how to do it so I can imitate it.... Once I've seen it I can do... So please, someone... Just show me how to succeed and gain the things I want to gain. Maybe then I won't have this feeling. I won't lie. I will for once be proud of who I am.... Because I'm not..... And under this mask... All it is is confusion and pain.