I just can't. i don't know what to do anymore. i've been trying to keep myself distracted and it was working i was coping. i was on a winning streak! but I messed up i don't know what to do or how i'm meant to change for this all to stop and go away. 

I feel so sorry for my partner, i don't understand how he can put up with me. i can't even put up with myself. i'm scared to tell him about how sad i am all the time, i don't want him to worry and he doesn't deserve to have shit dumped on him, he's so sweet and patient i don't know why he chose me.

I have tourettes, i gained a few new tics which mess with my breathing, one of them sounds similar to moaning which i know is funny but its SO embarrassing i accidentally let it slip in front of him and of course we were laughing about it together but i feel so embarrassed now it's awful. i can't help but get frustrated a lot, he's been noticing every time i suppress the tics around him and he keeps asking why, why, why. assuring me its okay to but for the life of me it doesn't feel okay. 

I'm embarrassed and sad all the time with the tics being the main cause. i used to just relax at least with my partner but recently i can't do anything but hate myself, my mirrors are all turned away because i feel sick looking at myself i hate this.

I HATE THIS I HATE IT I HATE IT WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN

He keeps telling me it's fine i'll be okay in the end but i can't bring myself to believe in it, i can't bring myself to believe any compliments and whatnot he tells me, i'm ashamed of myself, embarrassed that i even exist. 

i can't sleep

i can't eat

i can't look at my own reflection

i can't stand being me

i feel so bad for my partner he tries his best bless him but he can't figure out why i feel like this about myself, it's cute but in the end it's not his job to fix my problems is it? lmao 

fuck i just, i don't know anything anymore. i thought i had it under control but the christmas hit and all hell broke loose. i'm so sorry