Hello everyone.  


I live alone for the first time. For almost a year already. My boyfriend broke up with me because he could no longer deal with my BPD and depression. He was burned out. I, on the other hand, couldn't force myself to believe he didn't hate me (and that is probably what made me depressed).  


This aloneness is killing me. I have had problems doing things alone since I can remember and thus I've recently became a workaholic - just to escape being alone at home. Holidays or even the thought of them makes me panic and feel like shit. Work makes me feel like shit, too, but at least I am not alone over there.

  
I do have friends, but as I have problems with object constancy, I never believe they actually like me whenever they are not around, even worse - I think they hate me and are only pretending to be friends with me out of pity. So I never really contact them because I don't want them to be bothered by my existence and, of course, I am afraid of them not replying.  


Anyway, I have never been able to do anything when alone and cannot stand this boredom and emptiness. I do have interests, too, but, when alone, I just end up having no motivation because I feel too alone to do anything. I am just walking around the apartment, staring at walls or the ceiling. I often overeat just to kill time till I feel sick and vomit or I just start drinking in the morning to make the aloneness more tolerable and to feel something other than the void. Sometimes I think of something I might need to buy and go buy it even though it's not really needed. When I was in a relationship, I only got out of bed if my partner was home or if I was expecting him soon. I cannot read a book or watch a movie, or tv-series, or do basically anything else. Cannot finish my studies because of this. Also I feel really dumb because I think I haven't seen any movies or read any books (ok, I have seen many movies and read many books, just not when alone, but it doesn't help the feeling). When I meet people and they talk about stuff, I don't feel connected since the only thing happening in my life is the aloneness and the don't-know-what-to-do feeling. And walking around my apartment. So being with people makes me feel alone as well.  


It feels as if everyone else is living life, and I am just killing time here ever since I can remember. Walking around the apartment. Getting drunk to make myself feel something and/or pass out so that I would not have to be awake and face the emptiness (I voluntarily sent myself to a psych ward last winter because I thought I would accidentally drink myself to death).  


DAE feel unable to do anything? What do you do? I've only found going out for a walk or cycling helps, but I cannot walk or cycle all the time! Mostly, especially at night, I just feel like calling a crisis centre, but I don't even know what the crisis is and if there is one.