I haven’t been diagnosed for long, but I clearly remember starting the cycle of ups and downs at 14. 8 years later and it hasn’t changed. Not one bit.

Sure, meds may help, but they all leave me feeling numb, empty. So I change molecules. And I was trying the last possible meds, and they still changed nothing. 

I am sick of this never ending loop of depression and mania. During the latter I find many purposes and they all fill me with joy and motivation. But when you come back down you’re hit with the reality that there is no purpose but the one we make up for ourselves. And I refuse to make up a reason to live when there is none. I see no lights ahead. Only darkness and I wonder how long it will take for it to consume me.

Is there even such a thing as purpose?