What does the process of getting a diagnosis look like ?

How long does it take ?

Will my family be involved / will I be forced to tell them ?

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More detail about what’s going on with me;

**Content Warning: I mention abuse, self harm, and other symptoms (but don’t go into too much detail).**

A while ago, I  realized that I experience a lot of the symptoms of BPD.

I’ve realized little things I’ve done through my life that could be considered symptoms, with a lot of issues in my preteen years, but the brunt of it started around 15 or 16 (I’m 17 now, turning 18 in March).

I’ve struggled with an emotionally abusive and manipulative/gaslighting m\*ther my whole life, my dad was emotionally absent for a while (but him and I have rebuilt a relationship), feeling ignored/forgotten in favor of my siblings, my parents would spank me up until I was 9 or 10, extreme bullying as a kid, some emotionally/sexually abusive relationships as a teenager, and struggling with homophobia/transphobia (from my family and strangers and internalized issues).

As far as criteria diagnosis go, I experience all of the symptoms— emotional instability, feeling empty, try to avoid abandonment/think everyone’s going to abandon me, unstable self image, impulsive (spending, eating, somewhat reckless driving, drug use), intense anger, splitting, self harm, disassociation— but there’s a few I’m not willing to formally admit to (self harm, feeling empty, and drug use). Even with those two factored out, that’s 7 out of 9…

I started taking Testosterone (was told it could make symptoms worse) about a month and a half ago and I’m in my Senior year of high school. My symptoms are getting really bad and really hard to deal with. I feel like everything is falling apart.

I will NOT go off Testosterone, so my next choice is seeing a therapist and/or getting medicated.

I’m horrified of getting a diagnosis. I’ve always wanted to follow my dad’s footsteps and serve in the Marine Corps for a few years, but I know diagnosed BPD could make that hard for me. I’ve heard of people who had gotten waivers to join anyway, but I’m scared that if I get diagnosed it’ll magically change and be impossible to join. It was something I wanted for so long, and now I feel like I’m giving up on a part of myself.

However, I’ve recently fallen in love with a Fire Rescue class I’m in and I genuinely see firefighting/EMS in my future. I know I could do that, seeing as regulation says it’s fine to have a diagnosed condition as long as I can still carry out my job. I’ve always had a drive to help people. The idea of getting to be the one who helps folks on their worst days is so important to me. If what I do can make someone’s life easier or take them out of pain, it is fully worth doing, in my mind. But still…

Honestly, this part is simply a personal issue, because the concept of me joining the Marine Corps is what brought me and my dad back together. I love him so much and I don’t want him to feel like I’m giving up on him if I stop chasing the Marine Corps. Logically, I know he won’t. He’s said so. He actually thinks the idea of me being a fireman is awesome, as I’d be the first fireman/first responder in our family. So obviously it’s just me being over worried. And it’s not like I’m denouncing the Marine Corps as a whole— I still value and respect the Corps, their customs, their uniforms, and as a Marine’s son I’ll always be biased, but I just don’t know whether *I* was truly meant to join.

I know if I sit and talk to him about it, I could clear it up. But again, I’m afraid he would take me sitting him down to say I might not join the Marines as me saying I’m giving up on him. He tried to get me into his JROTC program with him for my Senior year (he’s an instructor), but wasn’t able to, and I know he felt like he let me down with that. After years of being made to seem the villain by my m\*ther, I want him to know I still love him and I’m still on his side.

But a BPD diagnosis would very likely stop me from joining the Marine Corps. Especially when you factor in how bad my symptoms have been recently.

And then factor in that I’ve had issues with exes of mine leaving me over things that I’ve since realized were symptoms. Makes me feel like I won’t ever find someone who actually loves me if I get formally diagnosed. Makes me feel like people with say I’m using it as an excuse to be rude.

And also the fact that I ***DO NOT*** want anyone in my family, my m\*ther in particular, to know. I know if she finds out, she’s going to blame it on my dad and would likely try to make him feel like it’s his fault. I can’t say he didn’t add to some of my issues-  because he did— but he and I have since worked through it and fixed our relationship, he’s proven that he’s changed and I can trust him now. Yet my relationship with my m\*ther continues to be hell on earth every day and I feel like she is still actively causing damage.

I also don’t know if it would be on my records, seeing as I’m currently under my dad’s insurance (tricare) and will stay under it as long as I’m in college (up to age 23 or 25 I believe). If it does go on my records, I don’t know if my m\*ther would be able to access that information and find out (she handles a lot of our medical stuff). So if she could, that makes me iffy about getting diagnosed (I really don’t want her to know).

But I’m also iffy about waiting until my mid-20s to get treatment, because I’ve been feeling really shitty lately and am having a hard time taking care of myself.

Logically, I know my symptoms won’t go away if I ignore them, diagnosis or not. I try so fucking hard to ignore them and they keep getting worse. They’re still here and I fucking hate it. I’m just so scared of getting a diagnosis… I don’t know anymore.

Could I please get some perspective on this ?