Incoherent babble inside..

I’m 21. Male. Sort of recent diagnoses but this has been tormenting me for several years now. 

This is a hard disease. But I feel like as a male it’s worse? I don’t really know. I have so few friends, and they aren’t knowledgeable about anything mental related. My partner of 5 years he just been.. distant? Cold? I don’t Actually know.. maybe she’s burnt out? Maybe I’m just splitting? I don’t know anymore. It scares me because it’s been so long I don’t know anything else and if it fell apart idk what I’d do. Maybe she knows that and is trying to hang in there because of it. Holy fuck balls I’m a burden lol. 

I was manic all day at work today and that’s really bad, I don’t want to lose my job. Then I’m fucked. I don’t know what to do in my spare time anymore I just don’t want anything. I want to talk to my friends but feel like I’m just harassing them when they don’t reply immediately and it makes me feel terrible. 

I’m so tired of thissssss. 