It's that time of year. For the second year in a row, now, I haven't got any friends for Christmas. 

I was always afraid of this, you know. Being this kind of alone. There was a time when I had those moments of joy with my friends. But I always say, 

"Friends are like dairy products. Some of them, when properly handled, have a great shelf life. But there's always an expiration date. Always better to throw them away and play it safe."

Playing it safe means hurting them before they hurt you. I feel so burned and worthless. The people I know and talk to, it's all just surface stuff, work stuff. They're not real connections. And my goddamned dog died in June. Just came home from a completely unnecessary work run and he was dead in his crate. Wasn't even sick. His heart just stopped. Christ did he keep me going most days... I feel like everyone just got tired of me. Moved on because I just didn't easily fit anymore. That's how it FEELS. An important distinction.

It takes a lot of effort not to give in to the nagging voice in my head. "Just do it. Yank the wheel. Pull the trigger. Disappear. Give up. It all ends anyway." I think it's worse when it's your voice, your own brain throwing these images at you.

Every little thing throws me into a tailspin. All these happy people wandering around, buying gifts for each other, making plans... I'm so envious. I'm so worn down.

I'm ok, overall. I'm just venting. This community is the first I've found where I just totally get what y'all are saying and going through. It's nice to not be alone in it. So it feels okay to say this stuff here. Thanks for that.

If anyone else is having a rough time this holiday, for whatever reason, hang in there. Find small pleasures to get you through.

