Last NYE, I told my best friends at a house party that I was expecting. It was a lovely night. My husband was there and being the perfect, loving version of himself. 
This year I’ve turned down the same house party invite to spend NYE at home with my baby girl. I’m so grateful that I have her but my heart is completely broken. He’s been everything to me for a decade. I haven’t been an adult without him ever. I’m ashamed to say I ended up completely dependant on him. I still love him so much despite what he’s done and still doing to us. I genuinely thought my kind, competent, loving husband would finally realise he was hurting me and stop; that it was a misunderstanding and every cruel outburst was a one off. He’s still my rock, constant in my dreams and I wake up devastated to have lost that support. When I was with him I used to have nightmares that we had broken up. Now I’m living that nightmare. 
I know it’s ridiculous. I am obviously a competent adult without him. I’m parenting well and I am managing ok. But inside, I’m really lost and hopeless without him and so upset that he has betrayed the promise we made to each other to always have each other’s back. 
Thank god for my baby girl who is a beautiful joy. I wish I could be a happier mummy for her.