I’ve just dissociated in front of my friends, to the point I was watching my self and I couldn’t get myself back to a safe state. I was so ignorant and rude to them, I just sat there and the only answer I was giving was ‘no, I am just me’, they were asking if I was okay, saying i looked angry and zoned out. I couldn’t communicate what i needed, I couldn’t even move myself to get what I needed. I just sat there. When I finally could move I got up directly walked out the room into the kitchen and grabbed ice sat outside and just waited. My friend came to cuddle me and I just burst into tears. Im now home and want to never see them again because I’m so ashamed of myself and I know a ‘storm’ is coming in regards to my bpd so I just want to isolate and protect everyone from what’s to come. But I feel like they all hate me now and that they won’t care that I disappear anyways, but I don’t want to be around them even if that’s not how they feel as I know I’m going to end up hurting them all and I will be abandoned either way so might as well be on my terms in a way that I can tell myself I did it to protect them from the monster called me. (I’ve had a few stresses that have been triggering the last few weeks but it’s no excuse for anything I’ve done or will end up doing). I just want to get better and show people I love them and that I don’t want to cause any pain and suffering. Im sorry but I needed to talk about it and don’t want to burden my family even more.