I am the most oridinary, a dime a dozen cishet guy.  

And yet, last weekend, for i slept with another random guy met on the internet, and i stayed in his bedroom as long as he wanted me to, despite being repulsed by the entire thing. and in a few months i will do that again, as i had done before in the past.  

why? for a brief moment someone wanted me, physically. for a brief moment my value as a sex object, as a member of my own sex was NOT zero. in anyones eyes, does not matter whose.  

and i cannot even say i regret what i have done, i am just really, really really ambivalent about the entire situation.  
 
and the only thing i feel bad about it, that despite all the negative experiences i had put myself through so far, it is still in my daily thoughts and fantasies. it's almost as if I made peace with a defeat down to the very deepest level. i do not daydream of sex, i daydream of being wanted. ... and i cut my dreams down to size. because let's be honest, what woman would ever want me.  

for the time being, i wanna vomit. it's been a week and i still cant get the taste of semen out of my mouth