I made a friend online last year, and we both have BPD. We’ve become really close friends — we send each other parcels and letters all the time, we text very frequently, and we try to emotionally support each other through rough times. They even sent me a get well video last week while I was sick. 

My doctors told me I was getting sick because I’m too stressed out, and I should seriously take a vacation. So I hit the road Friday and drove several states away for a vacation. As part of my trip, I was going to be passing thru the town where my friend lives and I wanted to surprise them with a visit, if only for a few minutes on my long drive back home — I thought surprising them would make them happy. 

Yesterday (Saturday), I asked them about free time in their schedule today (Sunday) so we could FaceTime as discussed a few days prior. They told me they didn’t really like FaceTime, and only went along with the discussion a few days prior because they didn’t want to tell me no. I felt I could sense they were becoming uncomfortable with the talk about FaceTime, so I gave away the surprise and told them I’m in their state, wanted to surprise them with a visit on my way home, and I hoped we could get a coffee or something.  

My phone number was immediately blocked, they blocked me on TikTok and Instagram, and they unfriended (but not blocked) me on Snapchat. They haven’t unfollowed or blocked me on Twitter. 

This caused my fear of abandonment and my BPD symptoms to trigger and I have been very emotionally distraught since — I’m having to use DBT skills incredibly intensely to regulate myself. 

I sent them a message thru Twitter and from iMessage on my iPad (uses email, not phone number) telling them I’m noticed the blocks and profusely apologized if I scared them or made them feel uncomfortable. I explained why I was there (vacation), further apologized if I made them feel pressured, and told them I hope they understand I’d never intentionally hurt or scare them, they’re my friend and I care too much to do that. I validated their feelings and said that in hindsight, I can see why it might’ve scared them because they’ve had bad experiences meeting people online before, and I can see how me showing up unexpectedly — even with good intent — could catch them off-guard and be unpleasant. I apologized yet again if I frightened them. 

I haven’t heard a word from them, and I’m still blocked on socials. I think my number was unblocked but I’m not about to test it. 

Looking at my own experience with BPD, I know when someone makes me feel extreme emotions, I need to step away and be alone for a bit. I communicate this usually, although I’m still working on doing it nicely/skillfully each time.  

I know some people with BPD ghost/block/go silent when they’re overwhelmed, and I’m absolutely not judging or invalidating here. There are 256 subtypes of BPD and we all are unique. 

I am distraught and in a lot of emotional pain because their hard blocking me triggered my intense fear of abandonment. How we both feel is valid.  

I’m terrified I’ve lost my best friend, I’m confused because we’ve been so close (that morning they told me I’m their best friend) and I was just suddenly… ghosted. I feel upset they didn’t talk it out with me, although I can also see how they might’ve been too overwhelmed. 

I’m not trying to contact them beyond the explanation/apology I sent this morning, as they clearly want space. 

My therapist said I didn’t do anything wrong, I feel so guilty though. My therapist also said to apologize/explain and they would talk to me again. 

My question is for the fellow pwBPD here who have a flight response/ghost/block people when they’re overwhelmed: I will admit I do not understand why someone might do this — can you help me to understand why some respond this way? I know everyone is different… is there a chance my friend will come back and talk it out after some time?