Whenever I do something, whenever I go out I imagine what my friends would say, I predict what they might say and how I respond. I think about the food, how it might stain my clothes, so I never order anything liquidy or saucy, spaghetti or curry for example. I never eat too much or anything too heavy in case my stomach decides, "I'm going to shit myself in public".

I think about what my friends might possibly bring up about something stupid or embarassing I did years ago so I never talk about the past unless I am 100% certain it won't turn on me. I never poke the bear incase my friends also want to bring up something stupid I did in response.

Then I imagine the weather and how much I sweat, bad thing to have in Australia, then I of course start sweating because I am self conscious of my sweating. I think about the seating placement, Im quite tall and my knees sometimes just hit the tables so I make sure to sit on the edges of the table so I can sit  comfortably with a leg stretched out without accidentally hitting the table. Before even seating as I said I am quite tall and I fear tripping and falling not because of the pain but because I know everyone would be looking at me, so I walk slow often falling behind my friends just so I don't stack it.

Then there is time to get there, how early should I leave, finding parking. My clothes, have I worn them before, did I wear the same set when my last saw my friends? How long ago did we meet? Would they remember me wearing the same set? Would they comment my clothes? They fucking wouldnt they are guys but the thought still comes to mind. We have never said anything about wearing the same set of clothes but the thought still comes to mind and the non existent judgement.

All of this comes from my friend with his good heart asking if he wants to meet up for lunch via text. I say yes because they are my friends but I dread meeting them. I know this is stupid or perhaps an unnecessary thought process, but I don't know where the line between anxiety and a reasonable thought process. I can tell some of this is clearly my anxiety but other parts seem reasonable to me.