I came from a very abusive family, suffer from a neurological disorder that leaves me constantly triggered, everyday is a challenge.

My triggers my disorder on purpose, believing that I would get better if I just "get used to", all the studies on the area, suggests otherwise.

I'm 35, recently lost my job, I live with my parents, a full very tiny house. I have no career anymore as I couldn't improve too much on my knowledge.

I'm trying to look for work but for now it seems like impossible, also I'm looking for a tech support job, a very minimum wage job.

I work on delivery for now but my body is deteriorating, I'm very tired.

I never had a girlfriend, I'm short, bald, autistic (aspenger), I can't maintain conversations. I suffer from trauma for being "taken advantage of" while I was a little kid.

Everyday is just more flashbacks, more triggers, more neglect. I feel my heart beating fast sometimes, it feels like I'm going to have a cardiac arrest. It hurts, all my left side of the body.

I would love to live, to work in something that I like, to have a significant other, to research things, I always loved to research, to play games and see movies... But I'm getting desperate everyday.

I called all help services I could. Use more than 5 different SSRI medications, tried CBT... Nothing ever worked

What now? I can't live. Why do I have to suffer so much?