It’s a lesson I’ve been taught over and over again and I’m just now starting to get to the point where I’m actually learning from it. I’ve always been separate from everyone else. Tried having friends, being social and everything a couple times during my life, but it always goes the same way. I start a new job or something, try hanging out with people for a while, realise yet again I can’t connect with people and then I move away, delete all social media and disappear again. Been in that cycle for a while, only just realising that I should stop trying because I know I do better on my own. 

But there’s still this frustrating part of me that craves a relationship, real intimacy with someone. Never had a relationship, but I know that I don’t really want one. Only ever felt anything adjacent to love once, and it was awful. Had a couple girls who were interested in me, tried to force myself to reciprocate, but after a couple of very unsatisfying and depressing one night stands, I realised it’s not something you can force.

I can’t even picture myself having a girlfriend. Feels like it’s just not in my DNA. I know having someone like that would just be taxing on me more than anything. Having to maintain relationships is effort I just don’t want to have to spare. I know all that. So I don’t get why every fucking day I still think about this. Think about having someone who’s important to me, who I’m important to in return. Just laying with someone, just *existing* together for a while. Those are the things I think about. 

It’s stupid, I know I don’t want a relationship, I know what I’m craving in my head is just the *idea* of one. Just like everything in life, nice as the idea might be, I know the reality is much uglier. I know the reality is that it’s just a complication I definitely don’t need. I just wish my brain could realise that and stop projecting this bullshit Hollywood fantasy into my head every day so that I wouldn’t be contributing to my constant depression with stupid fantasies that I don’t even *want* to come true.