Why the fuck does everything in my life have to be just a series of shit things happening? My life is nothing but misery, loneliness, and self hatred. I've tried everything to change it for the better or even just at the bare minimum try to be more positive. Nothing works and nothing has gotten or ever will get better. Drinking and hurting myself are the only things that make me feel better. Any decision I can make to change my life is just a lose-lose situation. Honestly everyone would be fine or even better off if I were to just die. I've wished for death everyday for so fucking long and it just never happens. Idk if it's that I'm not lucky enough to die or that I don't deserve the mercy death would bring. I'm 21 and I can't even remember the last time I felt remotely happy or at least the last time I went a day without plotting how to kill myself. My life has been permanently fucked up and it's entirely my fault. I even made the dumbass mistake of changing my mind and not killing myself last week and I already regret it. I even told my parents afterwards and they seemed completely unphased. I regret telling them, all it did was make me want to kill myself even more than I already want to. I've been completely broken, lost everything I ever wanted, hoped for, had, and all potential I had in me over the past several years. I have nothing left and nobody and there is absolutely no reason for me to try anymore. I'm unlovable plain and simple and nobody is to blame except me for that because I'm useless. There's nothing and nobody that will outweigh the pain I live in every day to make living worth it. All that being said I'm a monster that needs to die and now I want nothing more than just to simply kill myself and finally stop it all. Anyways whatever idk why I wrote this I'm a little drunk so maybe that's why but either way sorry to anyone who reads it for wasting your time and goodbye.