Recently diagnosed with BPD after a very short, very traumatic involuntary stay on a psych ward.

I tried explaining to the doctor all of my symptoms to a limited degree of success, I find it difficult to put into words how I’m feeling/ what I’m experiencing and he didn’t seem to have a lot of patience for me which made it more difficult.

I tried to tell him about what I believe were episodes of psychosis, however, he said something or other about how because I’m ‘aware’ of these episodes, then they can be explained away as my ‘inner dialogue’. 

He seemed happy with his diagnosis of BPD, and I do tend to agree as most the listed symptoms line up with the symptoms I have been experiencing for years now. 

However, his disregard for my other experiences has left me feeling a bit isolated.

During one episode, a family member told me later that I was ‘incoherent’ and ‘inconsolable’, having not slept for two days I was ‘wide awake’ and practically bouncing off the walls. I believed that my family were trying to kill me and frame it as a suicide, and I was (apparently) talking to a friend (who wasn’t there) about ‘the plan’. (???).

Recently I’ve been hearing more disturbing things, like jumbled, distorted voices that feel aggressive. This is kind of distressing, but not as distressing as the hostile kicking on the windows and doors. (Which I know isn’t real, otherwise the dogs would be losing their shit).

As an unmedicated (he took all my meds away, rip.), untreated and dangerously impulsive person, I don’t feel at all stable right now. Whereas I can currently differentiate between real and not real, I’m scared that I will spiral back into the state I was in a few months ago and cause my family more grief.

Is it normal to be somewhat aware of your hallucinations? Can you differentiate between what’s real and what’s not? Or is it really, like that doctor said, just my internal dialogue?