Hello everyone, not sure how to ask about this but I had a really bad experience and I’m kind of still shook up.

I just got back from a ten day trip. Before the trip, idk maybe a week or two ago I just randomly got a thought to say goodbye to my cat because after the trip I will not see him again. After that I started to worry something would happen to him until one day I just randomly had the thought that something was going to happen to me. 

I kind of just ignored it, got on a plane and went about my life, but the first night at the Airbnb I started to really panic. Every little noise bothered me. I was worried that someone was going to break in and something bad was going to happen to me. I would stay up all night by myself, sobbing. By about day three I was feeling completely burnt out and I started thinking that I was crazy and I can’t take living with mental disease, and I started to worry about whether the reason I wasn’t going back was because I was going to hurt myself. 

I did not and do not have a plan for suicide, but that is just the thought I felt. I knew with absolute certainty that I was not coming back and that something very bad would happen. I don’t know how to describe it except that I knew that this was the season finale of my life and that I was watching it. I didn’t know what was going to happen but I knew the character was going to die at the end.

Now I’m back. Myself and my cat are safe and sound…which I am so grateful. But around the end of my trip I came to terms with it that either I’ll find out if something bad happens or if I’m mentally ill but that time is the only way of telling.

I know I need professional help but honestly I’m scared. I was told not to take SSRI’s by my doctor because of going off my birth control to try to get pregnant. Now I don’t know what to do because my mental health has been deteriorating so quickly and I am increasingly scared. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? Have any of you been through something similar? What was it diagnosed as?

At baseline I have GAD and depressive disorder, but I have never been through something like this