This is kind of a hard post to write for me. It may also be long. It's kinda gonna be train-of-thought, so I'm sorry if it gets rambly.

About a month ago, I was in a state where I was actually starting to improve and recognise the good in myself. I was really proud of myself, and was making steps to allow myself to be happy. I was reading, writing, trying new things and connecting to people like I've never done. It was a great month.

Then last week happened. My vaguely emotionally-abusive ex got back in touch with me for the first time in a month, I got really harshly reminded of my insane money troubles, and then the finishing blow: I got a letter from my local mental health service.

A bit of background information: I've been seeking help since I was 13. Then, I had a diagnosis of depression and anxiety, but that never sat right with me. Last year, at 19, I started to see the similiarities between my experiences and those described by people with BPD. I talked to doctors and support professionals who (unofficially) agreed with me. They put me in contact with the mental health services for where I live, and I got a phone call from one of the specialists. 

This was on a 'good' day, so I was coherent, lucid and positive in my responses to him. He told me he thought I could use some support in making sure my own efforts were successful, and told me they'd be in touch 'soon'.

Soon happened to be about three days ago. After reading a summary of what we talked about, I got to the final sentence of the letter: We will not be offering you any services.

Since then, I've been drinking, and smoking way too much (tobacco and other stuff), and kind of just falling back into old habits because... I don't know what the point is anymore. I tried so hard to be better and to seek help, even when it was so hard to talk about and to keep trying. Now it just feels like it was for nothing.

I don't know what to do, and I've never felt like that before. I have no clue where to put my foot next and I'm scared. I can't ask for help again, because this is like the sixth time of being told no, or getting the wrong help, and it's too much now. I have no idea how to stop feeling like this, and I want to be helped. 

The real problem is that everyone has told me how unfair this is. I don't feel like this is unfair, though. It feels like this has confirmed what I was always scared of: that I deserve this. Now that thought won't go away, and I don't know how to think any differently because... I'm not going to be helped? I'm looking for advice, but I understand if nobody has any. Thank you for reading, whoever you are. It really does mean a lot &lt;3