I think about it all the time. I'm always overanalyzing my experiences and thoughts to try to link it to bipolar symptoms. I have acted like I don't have this disorder for so long, like it's totally fine, but it's not. I'm scared of my disorder, very very scared, and I always fear I might be losing it. I was delusional two weeks ago, who knows where I might be in another two weeks?

My appointment is less than two days away. I already am the only person in my family that takes psychoactive medication, it's an anticonvulsant, but someone in my other post mentioned antipsychotics and while I know that if she prescribes them they will help, I can't help but feel like a complete failure. I'm stuck with this disorder forever and it feels like I'm losing the battle. I always try my absolute best to not have it show, to tone down my mania and tone up my depression, but for the past few months I've gotten too tired to do that. People notice, I know they do. And if I come out of that appointment with a "crazy pill" I don't know how I'll feel but it won't be good.

I'm extremely tired of living like this. I don't think I've ever achieved true mental stability. Hypomania is insidious like that - it makes you think you're okay, but you're just hypomanic. I've never been okay, just hypo. I just want to feel what normalcy is, I just want to not be the crazy one. Having this disorder is eating me alive, especially because my meds stopped holding it together in the most inopportune time. It's ENEM season and I am not ready at all, because all the energy I should've spend in studying, I spent on fighting this disorder. 

Just feeling like complete crap. I've been holding so much in and I think it's all gonna blow up today. I don't know what's gonna happen after, but I'm tired of getting sad and not crying, of getting euphoric and not acting upon it, just so other people think I'm normal. At the same time I don't want to be the crazy one, I also want people to acknowledge and understand that I have a disordered brain and that sometimes I'm gonna act like someone who has a disordered brain.