I've been seeing my current therapist since July.

She diagnosed me with BPD in September/October, so I've been living with the diagnoses since then.

I had never realized I was capable of dissociating until I was diagnosed with BPD, and I think it's because it's so bad when it happens.

It happens whenever I'm mad, because I don't like to be mad. I don't like to be mad because it feels like I'm throwing a fit (having a tantrum, etc.).

I used to struggle with anger management in elementary school, and had to take anger management classes. I've also told people that it's better to let me walk away when I'm angry because I can say very cruel things that I don't mean. To prevent myself from doing that, I think I "coped" by dissociating when I'm mad.

In my dream, I saw it happening from a first and third person perspective. It was amazing and fascinating. I've always loved dreaming because I don't dream in disorganized thought; I dream up entire cities and stories. Whenever a new, unfamiliar city is rendered during a dream, I wake up feeling energized but am also able to wake myself up from the dream mire easily because I recognize it as fake more easily (I guess I can lucid dream?).

But sometimes, most times actually, I dream about familiar places: my childhood home, my grandmother's apartment complex, my mother's previous home. This time, I'm not sure where I was. I only know that my husband was there, in my dream, and he called it out. I didn't talk during the dissociation episode, but I was thinking (and could hear myself thinking) "this is what it looks like, it's starting."

My husband said, "Oh my god, here it goes, she's dissociating."

He then held me, and told me it was going to be okay.

I watched from a third person, kind of "angel above their body" perspective.

I woke myself up and cried a little, but it was in the middle of REM so I passed back out. I usually wake myself up like that to change the dream (it's like pressing shuffle on my dream deck lol!).

[Edit: accidentally hit submit before I was ready.]

It's weird because I dream about dissociation in much the same way I hear people talking about it (looking through a screen, floating above my body feeling, etc.).

But I experience it much differently in person. In person, it almost feels like dissociative identity disorder, but knowing that the two halves are still me: IntentKitten. But it's like one is the devil on my shoulder and the other is an angel, and the devil wins during dissociation if I'm around anyone. So if I'm being am impulsive shopper/spender, ignoring my diet, binging on food, etc. - it's more likely to happen if I'm around someone.

If I'm alone, I usually (I feel) am able to resist impulse buying, ignoring a diet, etc. But, I'm more likely to restrict: eating, listening to music, etc.

It's weird for me to acknowledge this about myself. Back to dissociation, it's also easier - and more likely that I will - dissociate if I'm around someone. It usually causes memory issues too.

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I don't really know the purpose of this post. I think just to share to feel less alone after that dream.

Thank you for reading :)