Hello, I’m posting a long text, something  I posted n a step parenting group, I only received bad comments of how irrational I was for asking my partner to come over and saying I should NEVER be a mom… I would like your advise….
“First post here, cause I am completely desperate and lost.

First of all a bit of context,  I am in my 20s (dealing with depression and anxiety, most times is fine, but sometimes it gets bad (once a year or so)). And moved to a tiny town to be with my BF, I do not know anyone here and i do not speak the local language, but most people here speak english.  I have been dating a guy who has two kids (F9 M5) and has a 25/75 with them, they live 8hrs away from us and he drives to them one weekend a month and they drive to us one weekend a month. Whenever he drives to them he stays at his ex's basement where they have a tiny apartment for the kids. In general me and my partner have a great relationship, amazing communication, we enjoy each other's company etc etc...

Now the problem: Even tho my StepKids seem to like me and love the fact that i am part of their family, I struggle a lot spending time with my SD SS, I do not enjoy time together, they are really needy since they dont get to spend a lot of time with their dad, they still sleep in the same bed (so i have a tiny bedroom until they move to their own rooms). And the situation just gets very messy and Chaotic (they have no rules or responsibilities back at their mom's place and we have started to impose some at home, but is hard to see it work since they are literally here only 4 days a month). Normally I would share meals with them and try to spend at least 2-3 hours with them during the day doing activities they enjoy like watching tv, playing, or going on walks, Sometimes i would babysit them. I work from home and always have a good "excuse" to "hide" in my tiny room. Last week we picked up kids and drove home with them, I was feeling a bit funny and when we got home I just couldn't stop crying, I told my partner and asked him to understand i needed some time in my room (I have a tiny office with a bed)... The whole weekend was really bad, I realised i was dealing with a bad depression and could not control my crying, i liteally only wanted to disappear. So i asked my BF to keep the kids and himself away, doing fun stuff while i stayed in my tiny bedroom trying to not bother (which i know bothers cause i am expected and wanted by the kids and my partner). By day 4 (when they were leaving) I was completely self-medicating and in bed, hadn't really eating much and had suicidal thoughts. My BF needed to drive the kids and spend the night to take them to school the day after (that was the deal that week), that night i contacted him and told him i was really struggling and needed his help, and around 3 am i texted him asking to come as fast as he could cause i was really loosing it. He texted me at 8 when they woke up and told me he couldnt cause he had arrange to pick up the kids from school and he couldnt leave them alone (Keep in mind this is the first time he is there on a tuesday and normally their mom or family take care of them after school)... I tried to explain my partner that i really needed him, and that i really wanted to kill myself and needed to be taken care of, He keep saying he wouldnt make any changes cause his kids were his main priority in life and he was not going to "abandon" them (Keep in mind is the first time ever that i ask him to cut kids time and it would have been 3 hours). I felt devastated, knowing he is the only person i know here, my only family and he couldnt make me a priority when i needed him the most. He just called emergency service and told me he would be home around 1am. I begged him to come for me and drive with me to the hospital (Remember i do not speak the local language and I had never been to a mental hospital here before). He just said that i was incredible for asking him to drive to me... It was heartbreaking, I went to 4 different hospitals taken by emergency services. When i finally knew where i was gonna spend the night i asked him to stop by and buy some undies and hygiene basics for me, he did and visited me, Saying he was really worried and disappointed for my horrible behaviour. 

The next day i was discharged from the hospital and he picked me up, told me i was a danger to his kids and didn't want me around anymore, Also saying that i am not spending enough time with them and that it feels like i am avoiding them (i do not wish to spend 24/7 with them). I was also very disappointed by his reaction and unwillingness to help and prioritise me, the next day we started talking about how to start the separation process when i found out i was pregnant... I told him and he is now "so confused". I dont wanna have an abortion, and i dont wanna feel completely alone during pregnancy (by staying here and knowing my emergencies arent as important) and now i dont wanna play the stepmom and put their needs first when mines are never important.

We still cant see a way for us to be together after what happened, We werent looking for a pregnancy (we have been talking about it and agreed around Xmas could be a good time to think about it)...We are now discussing if we should stay together (and how to do it) or what we should do...

Do you guys think I am insane for getting mad at him?”