Today while I was out running errands I literally saw someone I slept with a handful of times while in mania (before I even knew what that was). I can’t say it didn’t trigger me but I’m hoping sharing here will make me feel less like awful about it. I’m also noticing that running into “bad decisions” is solidifying my bad feelings toward men.

My mind has gone back in time to protect itself. I keep reflecting on a very old relationship because it was the last time I really felt safe with a man. However, by the same token I was in the midst of being misdiagnosed over and over and so was he. Two train wrecks can’t really co-exist. We were engaged and sometimes I regret that I broke it off because like I said I’ve never been safe or loved properly since then.

I’m struggling again today and I keep thinking “is it going to be like this forever?” Am I just going to relive every horror like it happened yesterday? It’s like I feel a tiny bit better and then stuff like what happened today happens. I can’t even think about dating right now because I have too much going on but at the same time I’ve never felt more alone. This only seems to magnify when I think of the rejection I’ve received for “acting crazy” when I couldn’t even identify what was wrong.

I just want to be treated like a woman not a “bipolar woman”. Being put in a box just makes me so angry. My love life is like Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events.