i've been working on myself so hard for years. on my emotion regulation, my anger, self image, everything. i've made real improvement with my behavior, my family and friends and i have been able to see it over time.

i started talking to this boy and everything was going perfectly fine while we were long distance. we agreed to be casual but we were mutually very into eachother and openly liked one another more than just physically. i took a trip to his country, mostly to see him, and everything again was going great until dinner time came. he took me to a fancy restaurant and i felt so ugly and so underdressed; to add to that i noticed him glance at the drop dead gorgeous girl sitting next to us every other second. it made me feel worse and it was just so so triggering.

it hurt me a lot and i regressed. i couldn't use any of my skills in that moment and i shut down. i became a total and utter bitch, went on my phone and just wanted to disappear from that date altogether. i ruined the rest of the night and when he came to my place after i noticed he was acting different and it ended in an argument where he said i was "way too in my head and making this up" and i just ended up telling him to go home.

i'm sad because i know he now thinks i'm crazy. he made jokes prior saying he had a feeling i was crazy (possibly because of previous moments where he saw me become quite sensitive but was able to control my emotions and turn them around quickly) but i actually ended up proving him right. i put so much pressure on myself and i didn't do good. 

i'm not sad that i lost him, i've gotten really good at not becoming irrationally attached to people. i'm just upset that he was proved right and thinks i'm crazy and more than likely told all of his friends that. i'm now the crazy girl that came from abroad to come see him. it's heartbreaking that this is the narrative of my life over and over again, even when i think i am better.