I needed a pencil in uni and I asked a friend but she didnt have it so i asked this junior standing by her name so that i could ask her for a pencil and instead of telling me her name she goes like "why do you care" and i was shocked and felt so little all of a sudden so i jusy said that i needed a pencil hence why i asked your name so that i could address you properly to ask for it and she suddenly went all " oh, i'm sorry i dont have it" and i was just like okay.

anyways, hazing culture is very hip in our uni and freshmen go through a lot of shit, i also went through it but i have never done that to anyone cause i hate how i felt throughout freshmen year and wouldnt want anyone else to experience it so maybe other seniors were mean or bitchy to her maybe thats why she was rude on impulse? or maybe she was having a bad morning? anyways, had it been any other person they wouldve given her so much shit for being a cunt but idk i have been on the down low for so long i have no self worth and now i just feel disrespected and horrible and why didnt i put that bitch in her place but i also didnt want to stoop to her level and show that my upbringing was shit and my parents couldnt teach me how to be polite but its bothering me so much i cant work i wanna cry and i feel horrible i dont know who to talk to.

i could have handled it differently, perhaps disrespected her but idk? my bpd has me questioning my self worth soc much plus the mood swings and numbness have put me in a weird headspace so i dont know what to do anymore. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out or just erase this day from my existence i want to delete it

i'm going through so much shit already and this honestly feels like the last straw. i just want to drown myself.