Hi, 

I was in Therapy and until yesterday I though I would make great progress. We had it yesterday(after 3 years) about the possibility to join a group DBT/Skills. And my therapist said I'm to instabile to be in an ambulant group setting. 

So I will have to ask my psychiatrist if he writes me a letter to the hospital so they consider to take me and process with me. I have great fear hospital wise, because my gender marker is female but my body is still male and I don't know how to handle this. 

The other point is after 3 years of therapy I though I'm stable. But I seem not. I'm thinking about killing myself if there is no progress in Therapy why go on?  I feel like she said "No there you are and you're still dangerous(at least to yourself). You should go into a hospital to be safe."  I just feel like "no" I'm stable why you don't see I'm stable? She tried to comfort me and say "It is all not so bad" but I feel like the world is drowning. I don't know what to do maybe skills? But that feels so odd. And I don't want to do them. I want to self harm me and maybe kll myself. But not to do skills until I'm calm again. 

Calmingly my friends confirmed on that evening that I don't seem to be stable. Why they do take the burden off me, if I'm not stable I can't be a good friend I feel. And I don't understand why they like me. I'm questioning everything. But going into hospital now is neither an option even it would be good. But I have to talk to my psychiatrist on Monday and I can only go to him if I'm not in hospital. But the message I'm not as stable as I though is confusing me, what do I have to do to count as stable? Work again? I'm willing to but no one want to let me do it... Not going to hospital? I wasn't in hospital the last 2 Month... So yes basicly I feel like a big burden to all and all would be better off with me being dead... 

Crying regards
Sophie