I am so fucking depressed. I keep on going through the motions but the toxic thoughts haunt my brain. I don't know how to stop this. I keep doing everything I'm supposed to, but it's like trapped in a sandpit. The more I try to claw myself out the more I drown in it. I'm on meds, I've had more med adjustments than I can count. I'm in therapy. I work out. I work. I'm actually good at my job. I see friends occasionally, go to concerts. Eat healthy. But this looming darkness just keeps following me everywhere I go. Sometimes I think it would be better if I just killed myself. I have some moments where I'm just "ok", but I know those will pass. And pass they do. I've been like this for a year. I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. Sometimes I wish I could just go manic again, because at least then I'm so focused on my delusions, hallucinations and paranoia that I have no time to think about the pain. But I know that is temporary because eventually I will just come back to this. I don't know how to keep going. It's such a struggle. I feel like I need a miracle. But I don't believe in god. I am haggard. Trying to roll the rick up the mountain just to have it fall back down again.