I realize that I'm privileged in that it's never been so bad that I've been hospitalized, but at the same time, I just wish people would realize that yes, it has gotten to the point that I've been super close to voluntarily committing myself to the psych ward, yes I have attempted before, and yes when I say that I did want to run a hurdle race off the roof of my apartment complex, I was, in fact, not joking.

I hate that I have to delineate how bad it can get in order to be taken seriously. I know that there's no concrete proof of anything outside of the fact that I'm on a cocktail of meds, but at the same time, is it genuinely that hard to believe that "just getting through it" is sometimes not very easy? Am I supposed to come up with supporting examples of times when some hypomanic/manic delusion or some stupidly long depressive episode fucked me over, formatted 12 point, double spaced, Times New Roman? I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to have to recount and relive the worst moments of their life just to satisfy people's curiosities or expectations.

Maybe this is exacerbated by the fact that it's very easy to say that some inconvenience makes us want to die. I'm guilty of this as well, which makes it even harder to prove that I've actually wanted to unalive at some points. Plus, I tend to disappear when going through the worst of it, and I'm supposed to be the funny one, so I have to prove it and then some.

Anyways this was spawned by me saying that I'm scared of spiraling down because three months of relative stability seems like too long and that June is usually when a huge depressive episode hits, then someone responding "you'll be fine," which prompted my fight or flight.