Im not even scared of the surgery, im scared of the anesthetic. I feel like im gonna have a panic attack just thinking about it and it's not even for another 3 or 4 weeks

Just the thought of being completely unconscious surrounded by strangers is super scary to me. even when I was younger and had sleepovers I literally just wouldn't sleep because not being awake while people around me are is one of my biggest fears.

And on top of that I feel like im gonna say something really horrible or really private. I don't know if this is considered intrusive thoughts but I keep imagining that ill say certain things that I don't even want to write down, even though Ive never had thoughts like that before. But I feel like because im fixating on it that it's gonna actually make me say those things when im not conscious of what im saying which makes me even more anxious

I would give anything to just not have this stupid fucking pointless surgery :(