i love my bf dearly and he knows how bad cheating effects me because he's seen it happen to me in the past. he constantly reassures me when I'm sad that he'd never do that to me and i want to believe him but i just can't. theres this voice in the back of my head that constantly tells me he could easily be doing it at school or any time I'm not around and no matter what it won't go away. 

ill be thinking of him and how good it feels to finally be loved but if i start thinking too much that thought comes back. i want to have complete trust for him. i want to be fully confident in my relationship but considering what I've been through and how low my self esteem is and how im generally so untrusting of people the thought of it is in the back of my mind 24/7. 

i find myself doing the same thing when a friend compliments me on something or anyone makes any positive remark about me or what i do. i just tell them thank you but the whole time I'm thinking "i know you don't actually think that and you're just telling me that because you feel bad for me for being so fucking terrible at everything and looking the way i do"

i just want to trust people but at the same time i don't because i know that's just making myself vulnerable enough to get hurt again