hi all, im 23f dx bpd in 2015. currently doing my second round of DBT.

From aug-nov i dated a girl and we really liked eachother but our needs/modes of communication were totally 100% oopposite and incompatible. 

I dont want to deny that she treated me in ways  that were bad- but she doesnt have bpd, and thus i feel like my behavior was more watched/criticized (i was open about my bpd).

she did tell me she loved me alot and that i was a great partner sometimes, that i made her feel listened to, supported etc and that she told me "anytime i ask you to make a change you do so right away and work hard at it". i was **never** violent, insulting, and my consent skills were perfect (confirmed by her.)

but, i also was very triggered by alot about our relationship (sheand her friends would talk about her relationships w her exes alot in front of me, her roommate was rude to me because she spent alot of time with me, etc)

I definitely acted in ways i am not proud of.

* I got convinced she was cheating on me with a male friend of hers whose house she sometimes slept at cause he lives on the other side of town (i 100% know now she wasnt but i was in a storm at the time)


* due to this and other jealousy i think i subconciously tried to control her talking to her exes/ that friend


*  I would get in moods and be super down and frowny without being able to communicate why i was upset


* I would pick fights **alot** when i was triggered (never like screaming insult hitting walls fights, just arguments, petty shit)


* when we broke up i called her manipulative


when we broke up, i was proud that i didnt bombard her with messages/ calls. 2 times in 2 months post breakup i was super anxious (about to go to ER) and i did ring her a few times, but texted to apologize.


we maintained civil communication for the first few months post breakup, even laughing over texts etc. we met for coffee once post breakup in jan to exchange things we had of eachothers, but as time went on our talking kinda fizzzled.



now, during our relationship, a HUGE problem we had towards the end was that her friends really didnt like me. of course i can understand that friends just want their friends to be happy, so i dont think theyre bad, but it obviously made me really upset at the time, going as far as a friend of hers kicking me out of a group they started for victims of childhood sexual abuse (the unethics of that are not lost on me.)


that really traumatized me, made me feel inherently "bad", led to first self harm and hospitaliation in years, esp. since my partner at the time told me she understood why they did it and refused to talk to them about it.




anyway, now we are 6months post breakup and everyday i live with the fear that she or her friends will call me out for being an "abuser". before i met her i had really come to terms with my past mistakes/ behaviour in relationships. i honestly thought i was recovered- had great friends,was  in university, had a job, etc.

now i am afraid to leave the house, have been in the hospital 4x, vicious anxiety wakes me u everyday, i feel like a disgusting peice of shit abuser and that anywhere i go i will be told to leave because they know im "bad". i live in a big city with intense call out culture, esp in the small queer community. ive seen 2 borderlines be called out before.




my therapist ad i are aware this is alot paranoia- it has become an obsession much like my hypochondria. but because it involves something outside of my control. i cannot move on.


has anyone had a similiar situation? will i ever rid myself of this shame annd move on? thank you.