So I did something stupid and messed around with a coworker. Things were fine, then he wasn't into me and ended it. And I think most of you can imagine how it went from there. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, I didn't act AS crazy as I have in the past. But I still clung for too long, pushed him further away, and made him uncomfortable. 

He's leaving the job soon anyways, and I've managed to switch off shifts so I don't think I'll be working with him until he's gone. I also asked him to block me on all forms of contact, cause I was struggling to not reach out. 

My fear is that he thinks I'm INSANE (which wouldn't surprise me). I don't really know what the fuck he thinks about me. I know he's sorta friends with a few other coworkers, as am I. But I can't stop being paranoid that he's gonna tell everyone at work that I'm crazy. I'm good at my job and get along well with everyone there (as long as I'm not sleeping with them, obviously). I don't want my crazy coming up. I'm so ashamed of it, and of how I acted towards him. I'm so scared of what he would tell people. "I dumped her and she went crazy and wouldn't leave me alone"? 

In hindsight, I don think he thinks of me that often. I also don't think he would tell anyone, as no one we work with even knows we were hooking up (that I know of). But I get a little bit paranoid every time I talk to someone at work that I know he's friends with. I worry that they know and in their minds they're just thinking horrible things about me, and being nice out of pity or obligation or something. 

It makes me want to quit and run away. I'm trying to convince myself that even if he DID say something, people are kind enough to not hate me. I want to believe that no one gives a shit about me anyways, they don't ever think of me. I want to believe that once he quits this feeling will stop. I want to know that I can go back to being my "normal" self and that I can enjoy my job again rather than having to leave it and add it to the list of fucked up shit in my past. 

I don't know what I want in posting this. I'm just scared, I guess. 