tw//vague/brief mentions of self-harm I think…?

I feel a bit scared to post this in fear of others judging me but it’s been bothering me for several years… 
I’m just going to be ranting a bit(lot) I think

I don’t know if this is the right sub for this honestly… but does anyone else feel like they’re not mentally ill enough. That you feel like you should have it worse so that you can be taken more serious? I think people take my mental health serious but it still feels like I’m exaggerating and pretending sometimes. I’ve had this for as long as I can remember. 

I’d sometimes make my mental problems worse on purpose in order to feel less guilty. Not in a way where I cause drama or others harm btw!!! It’s not that I do it in order to seek attention, in fact I prefer to keep certain things more private. It’s more that I feel like I’m exaggerating and try to worsen my mental state in order to feel less guilty. 

But at the same time I really want to get better and feel very scared to get worse. I guess this feeling really fluctuates? Because usually when I do feel better I start feeling guilty again and like I don’t “deserve” to get better. Or that I only faked and exaggerated how I felt before because I guess you kinda forget what it’s like to be “more” mentally ill when you have times you feel better. Sometimes I even feel scared that when I do feel better it’s a sign that I’m actually getting worse, that it might just be the “calm before the storm” feeling and the happy feeling fades again due to my overthinking.

Sometimes I’ll overthink about things on purpose or recently I started to eat a lot less because it makes me feel more like I have a genuine problem. Even doing these things make me feel guilty because… why can’t I just choose to do things that are better for myself?? 

And at times (which I feel immensely guilty and ashamed about) I’ve even hoped things I worry about would come true and that I could become manic or psychotic or hallucinate or faint or puke or whatever there is, even though I know how bad it is!!! It’s kinda like… it probably must feel better to just lose my mind for a while and let it all out than this endless waiting feeling where I feel like I’m about to lose my mind but it just doesn’t happen. 

(Might say that I’m btw also a hypochondriac)

But sometimes it’s the opposite and I get very scared that that will happen, because it feels like im on the brink of going insane/losing my mind. I don’t know if it’s a form of attention seeking? I don’t necessarily like attention!! It’s more that I just want to feel seen and taken serious. And sometimes like I said I just want to let it all out. And I feel immensely guilty for it because I know how much other people struggle with it. Every time I get panic attacks or faint or get pain or things like heart cramps or whatnot I almost don’t really mind, because for me it sort of feels like “proof” I’m not just faking it. I know I’m mentally ill otherwise I would not be admitted to a mental health clinic soon, yet it feels like I should have it even worse for them to take me serious when I get there. I really really hate to experience bad things but there’s always this voice in my head that tells me it’s maybe a good thing, because I either deserve it or it like gives me a “right” to feel this way.

Whenever people for instance will reassure me and tell me it’s normal I feel a certain way or that it’s atleast not so extreme that it’s dangerous I notice myself feeling frustrated and feel like I should punish myself and somehow make it that my mental health gets worse. (Even though I know how grateful I should be that I’m not in immediate danger or that I’m not full on losing my mind.) and I want to be able to feel grateful so so bad and I want to be able to accept that it’s okay to get better!! I think the moment I feel that way, the moment I can feel happy AND feel proud of feeling happy without any guilt whatsoever will be the moment I’ll truly be getting better. I can’t wait to be able to feel that way some day. It’s really the thing that keeps me going!!