I hate my life but I don’t want to kill myself because of my family… I love them so much and want to tell them how I feel and how my life I going and how sad and depressed I am but I don’t know how to do it. I have been so close to do it a couple of times. I would stand out I my kitchen with a knife to my throat or to my stomach and I really wanted to do it but I just Couldn’t my sisters room I right next to the kitchen so I was afraid she would find me.  I couldn’t do that to her. I feel like I only have one person to live for and I love her so so much and I know that she likes me but she won’t be anything when she told me that I completely broke because she I the one I want to be with for the rest of my life I don’t want her for sex or her body I want her because she is perfect she is everything I need and ever will need if I am being completely honest then I don’t think I didn’t kill myself because of my family but because of her I know that I don’t need my family just her my family is kind of a mess we fight all the time I still love them they are just not as important as her. She I the real reason i haven’t committed suicide but if something happens to her then I am not going to be here anymore. One time I was at a party she held and her mom and dad was there and I got very drunk in front of her parents and they called my mom so she picked me up I couldn’t control myself and i started crying and throwing up so I have decided that I am not going to drink anymore just so her pattens likes me again. This happens to dates ago And I haven’t seen her pattens scine but she I usually the one holding the parties so it is not going to be long before I do and I don’t know what to say to them. I really hate my life and I don’t know what to do. I always does something to fuck everything up and I hate myself for it