I don't know what I'm feeling these days. Most of the time I feel numb . Dead inside  its as if the world is got its colours faded away. I cut off everyone from and before 2019 except 2 people whom I consider my friends and recently I got one more friend from my PG (Post Graduate)course who is actually depressed but she is fighting her demons . 

This feeling has started since i knew my friends from UG (Under Gradute) were back biting me the whole time and knew one of my best friends (in UG ) was sexually describing my then gf who broke up with me and went with that best friend. I didn't knew about this and was talking about my grief and how I was feeling after my breakup with my then gf (same I mentioned before) for 3 months after which I knew everything. The friends from UG told me this when they were drunk and I acted as if I was drunk and forgot everything. 

After this my grandfather died (I was pretty close to him) and it broke me. After that everything went downhill..
I stopped talking with people and started to be cooped up in my room till my PG started.

I gained weight and looked like shit but I hoped things would be better in new college but it wasn't. College politics started and it was shit . I was simply put into different stuff and was blamed on stuff I didn't even knew. I trusted 2 people to whom I told I was bisexual. One of them had a huge group of friends from which one of them asked me was I bisexual after a month I told him about my sexuality. This again put me through another bad state which started a chain reaction of skipping food and smoking 20 bidis (its a type of cigarette but tobacco is rolled in a leaf ,idk which, and smoked ), sleeplessness and skipping class. That went in for a month till the other friend convinced me to attend college. Each day going to college made me hate it more. That guy acting as if he didn't said anything about me which made it hate more.  I was starting to hate life itself. It came to a point where I cut myself one day and tried to kill myself but somehow I survived. 

My only friend in college found out about this and talked to me and helped me vent out some things. 

In between all this my twin brother college professors called our parents and notified he wasn't going to college for 2 months and parents were requested to go to college immediately.  But they couldn't because both of them are abroad and dad's buisness wasn't going that good for him to leave it unattended and Mom said ticket price was high. I had to go to brother's college and found out he hadn't attended the entire sem and teachers were thinking of advising our parents to stop his education there and do some other course. I talked with the teachers who were rude to me and talked shit about my twin and our parents which made me loose cool and fought with them till they stopped being rude and started to cool down. I talked with them till they were ready to give him another chance. Thus happened in a stretch of week and while all this happened  I was staying at the house where he was staying as paying guest . There his crush started to get flirty with me whose advances were rejected by me . But my brother didn't believed me and openly stated he believed the person he was staying with the most more than he believed me which again broke me.

After all this I was fed up with life cut myself.

Then my 2nd sem was about to end and study holidays started. I traveled to my parents, where I thought would be better than staying alone, but I was wrong. My parents whom I trusted the most and shared my secrets were talking shit about me as in comedy to their friends and family and didn't stop it even after I said it hurt me. The excuse they gave was I was being a bitch and should man up and take it as joke. The jokes were about my depression and how much of an alcoholic I was and I was a bitch and can't do anything. They even made fun of my career as a hotelier making jokes as come here and clean this servant or wipe this dirt of the floor because you studied this in college or something  like that while at guest house or in front of people I know. 

This was going on and one day I had a mental breakdown to which they just said this is because of mobile and my friends . 

This happened recently and now I'm waiting for my internship at my native so that I could run away from my parents so I don't hear them scolding or complaining .