Hi! I met a wonderful guy who recently was diagnosed with BPD right after we started talking. Unfortunately I am in Nashville and he in Oklahoma City (which isn't terrible, plus my job offers me a lot of time to move around/travel/etc) but I am supposed to be in Dallas for work next week which he planned to come stay then we'd take a few days to ourselves after I finished my work in Dallas. 

He initially pulled away after his diagnosis citing shame and fearing he would be too difficult to date. So I offered friendship. I still want to be his friend even though I have feelings for him and he admits he has the same. We both are in therapy (myself for anxiety disorder management) and prioritize mental health and well-being. I have read obsessively how to be a good partner or friend and trying to manage my own expectations and anxieties. Things were going really really well and I felt I could be open with him about my nervousness regarding our meeting because I seem to be the one that is always discarded no matter how much I want to be with someone. 

A little over a week ago a coworker of his died. He initially seemed stable after receiving the news. I, unfortunately on Monday, succumbed to a really rough bout of depression and reached out to him letting him know what was up. He said he felt I was being distant and I acknowledged I was due to being stressed, but let him know even a text from him made me feel so much better and my depression had zero to do with him.

After that he just...fell off. Our nightly chats stopped. He rarely replied, only to say he was sorry and struggling with his own feelings and the feelings of his coworkers from the death of their colleague. I told him it was fine and thanked him for letting me know - I would keep sending him memes since he said it made his day better. 

On Saturday we had a serious talk about him being scared regarding me not being in the same city and how can we make this work. We didn't have long to talk, but I reassured him I can do my job from anywhere and if things were good between us I would consider moving to OKC since I plan on leaving Nashville in a couple of years anyway. I had more I wanted to say but he needed to go into work. Yesterday he apologized again for disappearing, saying he is coping by drinking too much and feels terrible that he is causing my anxiety. I reassured him that he is not responsible for my triggers and emotions and that when he's ready I want to talk to him about a plan I came up with on how to make this work going forward.

All communication has stopped since. It hurts so bad even though I am trying to remind myself this probably isn't about me. All I can do is read and send support. I want to text him stupid memes to cheer him up but I am afraid it is going to drive him further away...at the same time he is scared I am pulling back (ironically). So what do I do? Do I just ease off and let him lean into these feelings and emotions? Do I accept that I was probably discarded? 

Tl;dr: How much space do you give a pwBPD in a LDR-thing when they are really suffering and struggling without seeming like you are abandoning them?