This year I'm turning 30 and my life is messier than ever. My BPD is going strong; I am currently not getting any help (though I will start the massive project in a couple of weeks.)
  
Wonder of wonders, I found a guy that loves me for who I am, with of all my depression, anxiety, extreme mood swings and the everything that comes with BPD. We got married a year ago, got a house and two adorable puppies. It sounds so good, and in a case such as mine it IS. That doesn't mean I'm not struggling to hold my head above the water at times though.. But I have my good solid ground.
  
So I want kids. I want them so much that it ruins my whole day (I burst into tears and get super depressed) when I see all of my childhood friends, and friends of friends, getting pregnant with their first, second, third or even fourth child. Just like that. Carelessly, unplanned, not in a stable relationship, and here I am... I'm turning 30 and I had 2 abortions, 1 because my husband (before we got married or even knew if we'd stay together) was not ready for it and the 2nd for the same reason and the fact that I want to get well first; have a solid job and income and be a generally "normal" person who can take having a bad day without flipping her shit over it (kids usually bring rough days, right?) ... I feel I'm sacrificing so much time in being "perfect" before having kids while others just go crazy with it, "no big deal". I am TERRIFIED that 1) pregnancy will push me over the edge even farther than normal, and 2) that I can't take life with kids overall. What if the life with kids will make me worse? Make me feel like I'm constantly being a "terrible" mom, whether I really am or not?
  
Last night I broke down and felt like crap cause my husband told me all of his plans for the future. He wants to remodel the house (build a garage, remodel our kitchen completely etc) and estimated that we should be done in about 2-3 years. I said I didn't want to wait that long to have kids (his intentions were to have a "completed" house before kids), feeling the hopelessness creeping in. 30+ could potentially mean a high risk pregnancy.. and I don't want to be an old mom, which in my eyes I would still be if I got pregnant this very minute. But, wow, he looked me in my eyes and told me "I just want you to be happy, so if you want kids right now, then that is how it shall be." I told him no (surprisingly, 'cause I'd usually jump at such an offer), but I'm really torn now. They always say that there is no "right time" to have kids, so I don't know? How do I know when it's right for a person like me with mental illness?
  
Does anyone here with BPD have kids or know of someone who suffers from BPD that has any? How did you/they feel during pregnancy? How is the family life for you/them? I really really want to have kids in a near future, but I'm so scared I can't handle it.