My depression has truly fucked things up for me. I’ve spent the better half of COVID feeling suicidal, wasting away time, and lying to friends and family to keep them from catching on to how badly I’m doing. 

I had enrolled in a university overseas, but then dropped out because I hated the course and couldn’t handle doing it online due to COVID. I was going to transfer to a different uni and I got in but hadn’t actually enrolled in any subjects at which point my mental health just plummeted, especially after certain family issues exploded in my face. I didn’t bother thinking about my education seeing as I planned to end it all. Somehow half a year passed by, with me just shuffling of to my part time job and trying my best to keep it together for my siblings at least. 

My father finally picked up on the fact that I hadn’t seen my friends in months and seemed disinterested in my own life and sent me off overseas to the university as he thought that would ‘distract me from any issues I was dealing with’. The problem is I am now living in a shared flat with complete strangers, in a country I’m not used to, with my new roommates asking me when my school term starts. I need to renroll,but I can only do that in April and then I’ll still only start in July, and I’ve already wasted so much of my life. I don’t know what to say to my dad, my roommates. It’s all just a web of lies I’ve made to hide the fact that I’m mentally ill, just like my biological mother was. And to be honest I’m still wondering if it would just be easier to end it all. I just feel so useless and I hate lying to people like this. I just want to fade out of existence.

This is not what turning 20 was meant to be like. I was supposedly a gifted student, a good kid, someone who had overcome a tough situation and come out stronger for it.  I was meant to be a productive member of society. Every time I hear someone describe me as being a good person I want to tear my hair out because it’s not true. I’m a useless, lying, leech to society right now and I’m not certain I can change that. All I want at this point is someone to tell me what to do.