Does anyone feel like sharing their methods with this. I’m at a loss and I guess grasping at straws. 
If you feel like you weren’t supposed to happen. An absolute fluke of nature without any positive outcomes. The only impact you have on the world on a big and small scale is negative. Like literally everything you touch is worse off for it, objectively. And you have done everything possible to at least have a slightly positive or even neutral influence on the things around you. But no matter what the only thing you do is make it worse. No matter how hard you try and what methods you use, it’s all the same. Everyone and everything is worse off because you exist. It’s not malicious, it’s not because you want to be a bad person. But you’re too sick in the head to ever be able to physically, spiritually, or mentally just do the right thing. You’re fucking wired to only ever do the wrong thing and be a net negative to everyone you ever loved and everyone else too. 
If you are a literal net negative. And no matter what that’s always true. Everything you touch is worse off for it.  And you are in a lot of pain too. 
What the ruck is the actual reasoning for not killing yourself? Straight up. I am completely at a loss for why that isn’t a good option. At least then maybe you would cause less pain. And less people would suffer as a result. And everything would be better for everyone involved, eventually. Like yes death sucks but people move on and I can’t think of one person who would be WORSE OFF FOR IT. I can make a list of every way everyone’s life would improve if you removed me from the equation. And I know it’s the polite thing to do, to stay in someone’s life, to not give up on them, to tell them their life matters. But it’s a fucking joke and I see right through it and nobody has the balls to tell me to fuck off so they can live a better life. 
I seriously need to know what actual reasoning their is for not killing yourself in this situation.
An actual reason that makes sense that isn’t made up polite bullshit. Because I am too close to calling everyone’s bluff to hear anything other than the truth. 
I know the answer is to just be a better person who does the right thing but I can’t emphasize enough that I cannot get it right and either 1) fall short enough to still be a net negative or 2) physically can’t bring myself to do anything but the opposite of what I’m supposed to. Every cell in my body is putting in maximum effort to behave like a fucking human being who deserved to be alive and I cannot manage it no matter what I do. Every form of therapy, years inpatient, years of residential and outpatient, weekly therapy now and 24/7 effort has the same end result: net negative. Maybe less of a negative than before but does that even matter when in the end all you can ever do is cause pain? When every second is devoted to making people’s lives easier and causing less pain and you cannot for some godforsaken reason even be neutral? 
Why the actual fuck shouldn’t I?