Hey, I don't really know why but I felt the need to vent something out so here goes nothing. I'm 21 and these days, I'm kinda okay-ish but for as long as I can remember, I've always been depressive. My twin brother died at birth and people have told me even before I could speak, me and my mother were both eavily nevrotics in my early childhood and I haven't had a father except for when he died when I was 17.

 I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 7 years old and been in clinics multiple times plus boarding school for a few months and an host family for a year. I'm still under medication (sertraline). I was harassed at school, beaten up and humiliated by some drunkard my mom had an affair with during middle school. I was constantly fearing death, feeling absolute solitude when facing the hardships of life and constantly fighting against it. I never allowed myself to cry.

Of course life wasn't all bad and there's some good memories too. But I've always felt like there was a thing about me "normal" people could never understand (or at least that I still have to meet one that does) and it's excruciatingly tiring. And I can't help but to crave understanding and being constantly angry at life for being "unfair". So angry that I've even been fighting against good things in life such as friendship, working in college or even therapy from time to time.

Even though I've never wanted to end my own life or harm myself and always been proud of my strenght and resilience for I never ceased to try and get better, I'm feeling tired and restless. I just want to have a cool casual life and go on with the days, to have friends and a girlfriend that are understanding of my story. But now at least Reddit will know (sorry for the typos, french dude here).