This is hard so hard.

I’ve never been fully in love before. I’ve been in love but they never loved me back. Never even close to the same way and they all left me in the end or I got the courage to leave them but there was never any closure.

Me and my FP love each other deeply. I can tell he cares about me. No, I can tell that he loves me... and almost the same way I do. He’s close but he has a lot of self destructive behaviors and he has a lot of walls and I have none for him. So alot of his behaviors outside of us hurt me and because we weren’t in an actual relationship we were just “basically dating/open relationship”and that was driving me crazy and hurting me so much. That uncertainty was making me crazy and was causing me to have so much panic and my body was (and still kind of is) prepared for this abandonment but he’s still there. I told him every thought and feeling and we still need each other but it can’t be as much. Which is hard. We became our fantasy but we had to realize that when/If we end up together it will be years down the road due to distance and just where we are in our careers. We both have a strong ambition for our dreams. But his ambition is intense. Very driven. So I think it gets in the way of now. 

Our relationship is complex. It’s hard to explain but he has deep fears of commitment and his unhealthy coping mechanism is to try and fuck it up and goes around finding people he can use for attention and gain. And I knew this was going on and it was destroying me. But after we talked and cried we came up with lots of compromises and anytime I feel hurt I will tell him (and vice versa, I also have bad coping skills that I know might hurt him if I start doing them so I made sure we are BOTH held responsible) We’re both coping with the change. I asked him if he could go see a therapist and deal with this and he said he would. So it’s steps.

This is a lot but my goal is not to fall into any of my skills or keep pretending we are in our fantasy. I’m trying to live in reality and feel. I always push my emotions away and then they come out abruptly in a very intense form. Like even though today has sucked out the ass and all I’ve done is cry... it also felt good to cry. To process this. Knowing he’s not abandoning or drifting away from me. He’s still here. We just have to stop the more romantic endeavors for now. We’re gonna be okay. I’m going to be okay.
Just now sucks. But I guess that’s how people actually process, right? They actually feel things for awhile and slowly get better instead of pushing them away or finding some other person to complete you. They just deal. And that’s what I’m going to do. Deal with this. No more putting it off. 

If you read this all thank you. 
I hope you have a wonderful day and that so many good things happen to you. You all deserve good things.

(I didn’t know what to tag this add so I just put it as venting)