I tried to OD on pills again. Instead, I just ended up sleeping for 12 hours. I could probably sleep more. 

I woke up about an hour ago. Still feel out of sorts. So this post isn't my best. 

I hate this feeling. This is my 3rd time trying this way. 

And now those who drove me to suicide in the 1st place have rallied around me. All hyper-vigilant. And "concerned". 

I *hate* it. 

Why can't you just love me in the 1st place?
Why does it have to come to this to get your attention? 

*This* is not the attention I want. Ugh. 
Why 😭😭😭

Backstory, I've been sick w a virus of some kinda for well over a week. Been to urgent care 2x. Feel like shit. Highest temperature 101.8. They have me on my second round of cough meds and an albuterol inhaler. And I did 1 breathing treatment in the hospital. 

I turn into a needy baby when I'm sick. The urgency, desperation, neediness, helplessness got espessially bad over the past couple days once my temp got so high.

I just wanted some fucking TLC. 

My mom said "Oh please, you're not the sick" and has just been the general hateful cunt she always is, annoyed And resentful I even exist.
And my on again/off again partner of 1.5 years who claims to love me, didn't wanna be around me because he didn't wanna get sick. 

Dealing w them just became too much last night. 
I just couldn't believe how hard it was just to get love and care when I'm *obviously* sick and kinda legit needy. 

My ex and I fought all night about him not coming over. Which was hurtful and exhausting. Yadda yadda yadda. 

Fastforward to today w me w a belly full of pills. 
His punk ass shows up at my house. Now he and mom are up my ass. Do you need anything? Tea? Soup? Watching me sleep like I'm an animal in the zoo. 

Now? You do this now?!

Why? 

Where were you last night? 
All I needed was my mom to stop yelling at me. And him to fucking take care of me, love me while I'm sick and *need* it. 

Smh. 

Everybody gets to obsessed w keeping me alive once I pull something. But doesn't give a fuck about me in the day to day. 

I'm like... what part of I need THIS kind of care/love/attention in the day to day do you not understand? 

When it happens after a suicide attempt, I'm just Furious and resentful. Like how dare you act like you care *now*. 

Why don't they realized if they cared in the fucking 1st place it would never come to this? 

Why am I so hard to just love? Even when I'm sick FFS? My god. 

What's the point in keeping me alive just to treat me like shit? 

I fucking hate my life. And the few people in it. 
Their "love" feels like torture. 

Idk why I can't just go to sleep and for once not wake up to this shit. 3x now I've tried. 

Fuck.