I (F) have never seen a therapist or talked to anyone about how I’ve felt but reddit opened a whole new door for me the other day. I posted on r/mentalillness just to say how i felt obsessive about certain people and always have and someone commented that in BPD, this was called an FP. I wasn’t really familiar with BPD, but I looked into it, not trying to diagnose myself or anything lol, but I think that this is the only time I’ve ever been able to hear from people having such similar experiences as me.

I’ve always searched online things like “why do I care so much about people” or “why do I care so much about my best friend”. I honestly don’t care that much about people, but more specifically just one person. I met a girl I was friends with about four years ago and I was instantly obsessed. I didn’t like stalk her or anything, but I would constantly dream about how it would be if we were best friends and doing everything together. I then one day just snapped and made up some whole weird ass story that basically ruined our friendship and made me seem crazy. I guess I did it for attention from her and maybe so she would feel bad for me. We didn’t talk for about six months after that and I was so down. I would cry and vent to another friend about how much I missed her like every day, and we weren’t even that close when we were friends. I would always have those fake conversations for hours on end and it was an enjoyable part of my day. I would make sure to plan for it. I was so depressed during this time and I thought that all I needed was to start talking to her again. I did that, but nothing really changed. I would always say how much I cared about her, but other days I would snap and say that she was ruining me and how much she hurt me or how I hated her. This relationship lasted about two years until I met my current best friend.

When we were first friends I slowly started to forget about the first girl and I was so happy. My life completely flipped for the better. It started to get to the point where I was constantly thinking of her now. I was falling right into the trap she first got me out of. That happened about a year ago and I’m still struggling with her. She is my best friend and I’m hers, but it doesn’t even make a difference. I constantly get in fights with her about how I care so much and she doesn’t but she always says she does and I know it’s not the same. She literally determines how I feel 24/7 and how I want to spend my day. When I know I get to see her later in the day I am productive and happy and I know that the waiting will be over soon. The other day we planned on hanging out and last minute, she cancelled. She wasn’t able to hang out but my response was driving home yelling and screaming about how she didn’t give a shit about me. Once I was home she sent me a snapchat looking sad and I asked if she was okay. She said no and I instantly became not sad. My first thought was that I had to make her feel better and I called her and told her all about how I loved her and how she would never lose me and the way I could see her become happy made me happy. Another example is how I have been really unmotivated to work out, but when we made plans, I was lifting my ass off and I had the best workout I’ve had in weeks.

I always make fake conversations and will talk for hours like she’s right next to me. Every night I will pretend like she is sleeping next to me and or talking about something. The conversations vary but they are always happening. I pretend she’s with me in the car a lot and I’m taking her somewhere.  I also write in my notes fake text conversations between us playing both roles. It’s exhausting and some days I want to yell at her for making me feel this way but I know it’s not her intention. 

Sorry that this is long but when I came upon this sub I had to share. Again I’m not diagnosed with BPD, but people explaining their relationships with their FPs is the one true thing I feel I have ever been able to relate my relationships to. It feels like a weight lifted off me that I know I’m not the only one in the world who thinks of people like this sometimes.