So like all my relationships, this one was toxic. It started out bumpy, i wasn’t ready for a relationship and made that abundantly clear but he kept trying and pushing and i was talking to another guy at the time but ended up choosing my now ex. i made a lot of mistakes, again i was not ready in the beginning. i’m not excusing my actions but i was fresh out of an abusive relationship and losing that fp and now clinging to someone new but also not ready for that and feeling disgusted by them on and off. my ex was and is very childish, he never took my mental health seriously, triggered me knowingly, and would hyper focus on everything bad i did even if he had done something first or he had done the same thing. this has been on and off for a year now. i have left and come back, he has. our nastiest fight was about a month or two ago and he told me to get over my childhood trauma, i called him subhuman and said i was disgusted by him because he told me to get over something so horrible. he then proceeded to call me worthless, lazy, said i would go nowhere in life and eventually i freaked out and called him names and he keeps focusing on what i said and using that as a sign that i’m horrible and he isn’t even though he provoked it and wouldn’t stop and i was reacting to his insults. on top of all this my memory is terrible in situations like that so i tend to forget half the things he does to me so then i look like a liar saying he treated me badly because i can’t always specify. 

lately his issue now is i was a terrible girlfriend the entire time he says. he claims i did nothing for him even though i made him a handcrafted box with cutout book quotes and gave him my childhood toy because he loves the animal it was. i also gave him this bracelet that vibrates so we can communicate but he never used it. i gave him multiple stuffies and showed him so many movies i love because that’s how i express affection. he claims i was terrible because he came to visit me (we are long distance) while we were friends and it didn’t go how he wanted (he wanted sex) and he said he would never visit twice in a row and waste his time and money again. i didn’t have the ability to visit because of having no money, i tried saving but the pandemic came and frankly i didn’t want to spend my last money visiting someone who didn’t give me any effort really. sure he was funny but he didn’t make me special gifts, he didn’t come to visit me or pay for me to come to him even though he has MUCH more money, his family is well off mine is barely middle class. 

he keeps basing this, me not visiting even though we’ve been talking a year (and breaking up constantly so i am constantly splitting) i begged him to forgive me and said i’d figure out a way to visit but he won’t and keeps bringing old fights into it and calling me manipulative and abusive so i took pills trying to hurt myself and he panicked and called my mom and then days later he texted me despite me telling him not to unless he actually wanted to talk because i’m done and he asked if i was okay but got super aggressive and started accusing me of doing it to manipulate him and interrogated me asking why i didn’t go to the hospital, how many pills i took and then said i knew that it wouldn’t hurt me and i was just trying to manipulate him then he told me to block him so i started panicking because he was abandoning me again and i said it wasn’t fair he was doing this and posting subliminal messages on his instagram story knowing i’ll see it and message him or unblock him and then i mentioned him recently saying he missed his ex but that she’s better off without him and i said what about that and he said it wasn’t about me but his ex before me and that just set me off in a panic attack, i blocked him on everything and he started going crazy on his story and said i was a downgrade and his ex cared more because she visited and i didn’t and he called me a bitch when he knows my ex abused me with that word and it triggers me. i didn’t respond and he quickly deleted those stories hoping i hadn’t seen them because he knows they were too far. then he said “message me i’m deadass” “i have unfinished business with you” then posted a video about gaslighting and how i’m just like my mother and invalidate his feelings and deny him any feelings. 

i am so lost and confused. he won’t stop. i know i’m not perfect i have done a lot but i’ve apologized and tried to explain my mental health and he was never interested and said he doesn’t want to learn about mental health, doesn’t care about it and shouldn’t have to learn. then when we broke up, talked to a female friend who also has bpd and she told him he was terrible to me and confirmed everything i said and he came back spewing bpd knowledge at me that i had been telling him for a year and suddenly it meant something because he was now saying it like he was teaching me something and i started crying and said i was happy but honestly what was i happy for? basic human decency? the bare minimum of respect? 

he’s making me feel evil.