I’ve spoke to a friend of my sister who’s a mental health nurse with a degree in psychology and she says I have typical bpd symptoms. Today I went to the doctor to get referred to a psychologist to see if I could get an official diagnosis but the doctor basically told me there was nothing he could do but send me to an addictions team, which is absolutely bizarre to me since I dont take any drugs and only drink alcohol friday/saturday night. When I drink, I do binge drink and do get carried away but worst case scenario I just fall asleep from being too drunk I dont see it as needing actual medical help, I wouldn’t cooperate with any group that tried to teach me not to drink anyway because I dont think I need to, if I wanted to stop I would. 

Most of what I read online sounds exactly like myself, things like debt and spending problems (currently about £23k of debt), gambling most of my money away, currently serving a 4 year driving ban for 2 dangerous driving charges aswell as over 10 careless driving charges, plus all the other thing I never got caught for that I done every night while I had a car. I have major trust issues which has lead me to be lonely because I always try to keep people at a distance and not give them ammunition to be able to hurt you in the future or I feel like I cant relate on an intellectual or logical level with vast majority of people, I just dont feel like I connect with somebody thats on the same wavelength as myself. 

As for background I dont feel like I had the worst childhood but Indefinitely suffered from bullying at school and a lack of love and affection at home, I think the stress between my mother and fathers relationship wore off on to me, I’d often get left with him while she went out just to get out away from him, problem was he never really knew how to be a father and often was verbally and sometimes on occasion physically abusive, or maybe just a bit heavy handed with his punishments, I never enjoyed his company. 

I was a pretty quiet child untill about 15 then thats when the drink and drugs started, lots of casual sex, currently over 60 people (just turned 24) was in and out relationships every other week would always get bored of people or just be emotionally distant from them in an attempt to push them away, but quickly realised I thrived on this type of affection, it seemed the more I pushed people away and made them jealous the more they fought for me, led to some pretty shitty relationships for the people that got involved with me. I think of myself and the things I’ve done to people and it makes me understand why I’m alone and nobody wants to talk to me and nobody likes me any more, my best friend of 18 years committed suicide at 20  and since then I’ve never found somebody I can converse with and feel satisfied. Then theres also my own suicide attempts, the constant ups and downs of feeling like you want to take on the world and sort all your problems and go places in life to being unable to brush your teeth the next week, then the anxiety too, wish I could go one day without sitting thinking about my heart constantly. Also absolutely fucked up dreams every single night?

I dont really know where I’m going with this, I guess I just want to know if anybody on here relates to what I’m saying and thinks it’s even worth my time pursuing this further and trying to find another doctor to speak to? Anyway thanks for anybody who’s even got this far and I’m on mobile so please any spelling or grammar. 