çw: mention suicidal ideation, self harm, sexual assault 

i messed up friendships and a relationship with an amazing man. i didn’t know i had bpd and didn’t get diagnosed til recently. everything started to make sense. i feel horrible because these people tried their hardest to love and understand me, esp my ex. and now i just am struggling so hard to love myself because dog how ashamed i am that 1) any of them had to see my rawest mental health + the symptoms and 2) my struggle with attachments. also just having my ex be my favourite person and now having lost them, i have been struggling a lot. not sure why i’m posting this. i just i think i feel alone and not sure who to talk to or if i should talk to anyone about it. i struggled with suicidal ideation, self harm, and substance abuse (with alcohol and weed) for the past five years that also impacted these relationships.i also got sexually assaulted multiple times during the times of risky behaviour.  i just i feel unloveable sometimes. i’m trying to be better. i just can’t seem to let go of the shame and regret i feel tht these ppl witnessed that. and tbh, struggling a lot after my only breakup with a person  who tried to do everything while i did everything to point out the slightest rejection.