But, like the flair says, I did it again. 

It's been so long since a BPD blow up like this. I've been working so hard on controlling my reactions and dealing with my feelings logically. I thought I was really doing well. I don't think I've had a blow up since May maybe. 

But this morning it happened. Sometimes I get so hurt when it feels like my boyfriend doesn't feel the same way I feel about him and our time together. 

My boyfriend just got weekends off from work again. When we both used to be off on weekends we'd sometimes lay in bed in the morning for a while and just cuddle and be there together. This was our first Saturday in a long time with us both being able to wake up like this together, and of course I had the expectation of this type of cuddly morning that I never expressed. 

We cuddled for a minute and then he abruptly gets up and turns on a video game. And I don't know, it just hurt so badly. All of these feelings all mixed together of how he doesn't care about spending any quality time with me and how be doesn't love me and care for me the way I do him. Obviously illogical stuff, but we know how hard it is to shake that intense feeling of abandonment and fear. And this is following several days of feeling incredibly ignored by him. He's either busy with his video game or something else and I've been feeling a lot like he doesn't care about spending time with me. 

I started to cry and wanted to explain how I was feeling but it's so hard. And he gets so defensive. I tied to say I was afraid he wouldn't want to spend anytime with me at all today, but he only sees me criticizing his choices. So it makes me feel like I'm not allowed to express my feelings if he didn't do anything objectively wrong. Like if I have a negative feeling the conversation has to be about how he didn't do anything wrong. And I hate that. And I just blew up. I went crazy. First it was the crying. Then the rage. I felt like he purposefully won't understand what I'm trying to say. 

It god so bad. I screamed, I grabbed, I shoved. I hate it. I hate me. 

I can't believe I let myself get that bad. He called me a horrible person. And I try so hard to be good but I guess he's right. 

We separated and got some space. He went for a walk. He's back home now and all I want to do is apologise. I won't approach him though. I sent him a text saying that I have a lot of apologies to make and if/when he wants to talk to me the door is open. I'm going to give him his space and let it be on his terms. I promised I would be calm and wouldn't fight anymore. 

But I feel so hopeless. Even though to me my apologies are sincere I can only think about how meaningless they must be to him.  

He threatened to leave me. And if he does it makes sense. I don't even know what to do. I feel so hopeless after trying so hard and the treatment and everything just for this one burst of emotion to get the better of me and for me to allow myself to erupt and behave the way I did. 

Does anyone come back from this?