I (21F) have a FP (26F) who I’ve unfortunately fallen in love with. My FP knows this, absolutely does not feel the same way about me, but has repeatedly told me that she loves when people are obsessed with her. And unfortunately, I’ve been that person for her for a year.

We live in different states, but we talk constantly, and we see each other in person frequently. We’ve had fun together, but I’ve also constantly questioned whether she actually likes me or wants to be my friend. We met through a friend app, and by her own admission, she befriended me when she needed a person to talk to about her issues at home.

Fast forward to last weekend, when she invited me to a reunion with her grad school classmates, including her situationship (a grad school friend), this other friend who she similarly befriended through this app, and me. I definitely did act super insecure about the friend, because he really popped up in her life the same way I did, she is obsessed with him, and I feel like she’s replacing me with him. Aaand because I am in love with her, of course I was weird about the situationship. I think because I was so anxious, she was anxious, but she wouldn’t say anything to me, and I kept trying to talk to her (resulting in me probably being too in her space all the time), but she wouldn’t really tell me what was wrong, which sent me into a BPD spiral of pure anxiety, because I absolutely cannot handle when I feel like she’s upset with me. I tried to hold it together the best I could for the rest of the trip until I came home.

I came back home and felt really upset with myself for being so outwardly uncomfortable and anxious for no reason, so I sent her a somber message about how I’m really trying, it’s just hard with BPD, but one day I’ll get there. 

She ignored me for a few days then finally called me and told me that she wished I hadn’t come with her, I should have known that I had to do my own thing and leave her alone even though she invited me, she didn’t want to communicate with me clearly because she didn’t want me to think we aren’t friends if she did, I keep putting all my emotions on her (referencing the text), and if I do it again she’s going to stop caring and whatever I do to myself will just have to be a consequence of it. Mind you, I wasn’t even remotely threatening to harm myself in any way (and I have actually never done that to her even when I HAVE been suicidal). She then uninvited me to another event she was going to bring me to and instead is bringing…you guessed it, her other internet friend.

And I am now suicidal. 

Because what do you do when your BPD fears are actually valid? When you realize that you actually HAVE been played, that you are disposable and replaceable to a person? When you realize that the love is as fake as you thought it was?

Now all I have are memories and a lot of pain. And I am not okay.