I just can’t take it. My life is an absolute mess right now. I can’t get over the breakup with my FP. I came out as trans after a decade of repression from just impulse as a coping mechanism. I knew I should have kept it secret but I’m just so depressed I don’t know how long Ill live. So  why not? Recently I’ve been thinking about turning my life around, trying to get over this, but I can’t yet. 

There’s another voice. It just wants to die. I can’t kill my self as that would be horrible and cause pain for others. So I want to lose everyone’s respect, then no-one will miss me. I just want to go get addicted to heroin or something and destroy my life, end up on the street or something with nothing left. Then die from an intentional “accidental” overdose. The fact my brain thinks this is a valid path Id take sickens me. I’m tired I can’t do this anymore. I always say that but oh well, I don’t know how I’ll turn out in a couple months, might just become reality. 

I have crazy pressure on me and it’s not fair. My parents are a literal weight on me. They do everything for me, sacrificed absolutely everything for me, and I turned out like this. They expect soo much from me, putting an unbelievable amount of resources on me. If I fail it’s like 20 years of unbelievable hard work goes down the drain. I don’t want to be responsible for that, I don’t think ill not fail.