(24M) My life has gone downhill for awhile now, counting 5 years, all thanks to the depression. But recently my ambition has been getting hungrier from all the disappointment._x000D__x000D_

To start from the top, the bleakness of my life became my second to second thoughts, pretty much became who I am. It's what shapes my thoughts, and  you know generally what you think about is what defines you. I'm just gonna assume you understand what I'm talking about. But what I think is right and wrong is now being challenged by new thoughts of ambition, although bad consequences happen from pursuing these thoughts; more proof that life is so bleak, and that's the future. These ambitious thoughts are expanding who I am. They make me want to rebel from who I have been. They are the first thoughts in years that make me feel happy. Sure in the past, external things have made me happy, but up until now, I would maybe once or twice every year have thoughts of immense ambition, so I never really thought about it but from pursuing my ambitions led to feeling happiness internally, from my thoughts._x000D__x000D_

The part I don't understand is I don't understand how depression could do something like that to the mind. Like that's how I see my mind now, my ideas, my thoughts, my habits, my routines, my personality, my relationships, they are all corrupted by my depression. My whole character and what I see as normal was changed by my depression._x000D_I don't have the urge to be ambitious, or basically what I am saying, nothing about me has changed but just a new idea that is starting to take hold of me, no attachment no feelings no bond no connection no fantasies yet, because my mind is still being influenced by my depression. But somehow my ambition is starting to influence my mind too in some way different._x000D__x000D_

I had no idea how influential depression was to me and no matter how hard I mentally try, I can't shake it from my thoughts even now, even after I see the poison that was done. So I guess this is more like, I grew an awareness, not like waking up from a dream, because I'm still in the nightmare, I just need to now run as far as I can *metaphorically* away before Life makes me forget. Although I can't forget the idea my ambition gave me. I can still sink back into depression by thinking I escaped but rather I'm just in bigger cage