I'm so suicidal today. Skipping class as I write this. There's no way I could make it through another 3 hour class. I just finished sleeping 26 hours straight, only waking to use the bathroom and eat a snack. That's typically how my Sundays go, as they're my only day off, but 26 is a bit more excessive than usual. My record is 29.

I have fleas all over my house and I just don't have time to deal with this flea infestation. Luckily my cat's flea medicine is working so he isn't itching anymore. But I have like 30+ contractor bags of laundry and bedding I have to wash so I have no clothes to wear nor bedding to sleep on until I get it done. And I just have no energy. I know I'm supposed to vacuum every day but it just hasn't been happening. Every other day if I'm lucky.

I got a 10% on a test today. I'm a straight-A student and this is so unlike me. Since I slept all day yesterday I didn't study like I was supposed to. I held back tears all class.

My mom continues to complain and rant out loud every morning about what a piece of shit I am, what a victim she is, blah blah blah. She's also borderline, just undiagnosed (if you ask me). I feel like I'm living in hell with her. She has chronic pain, and I have to do everything for her because she can't do anything. I'm really tired of dealing with her. She'll literally fall over just to get attention. Not like she's fainting or anything there's no medical reason for it. She'll just be like "I feel like I can't stand any longer" and purposely fall over. I'll just ask her do I need to take you to the hospital and she always says no and I'm like fine and go along with my day because I refuse to be sucked into her constant drama.

I work 2 jobs. One is in child welfare and the other is supportive home care. I'm behind in work. I'm sure I have angry emails right now wondering where all of my late case notes are. I just haven't finished them. Again, I slept all day yesterday. And that was also on yesterday's agenda.

My car keeps breaking down. I've dumped so much money into this stupid car. Which isn't even my car, it's my brother's. My car was totaled back in March when it was side swiped and totaled by a drunk driver when it was parked on the street. So now we both might be without a car and he's not working as a result and if I lose this car I lose both my jobs because they both require a car. I'm barely scraping by with the little money I'm making.

Last week I self harmed for the first time in a month or so. I pretty much went hysterical, started shouting, laughing, crying. I had no grip on reality I was just so overwhelmed with stress. I grabbed a razor and cut my arm in front of my mom and brother. They called 911. My ass was taken to the hospital for stitches. I managed to talk the crisis workers into not admitting me to psych. I don't have time to be admitted again. Nor can I afford it. I'm already in $30,000 worth of debt, half of which is probably unpaid medical bills (other half in unpaid tuition from when I made the massive mistake of going to college right out of high school). I'm literally removing my own stitches this week to avoid more medical bills. I've already been hospitalized twice since last March. And the hospital has only ever made me feel worse, not better.

I know I need help. But I can't go to the hospital again. It doesn't help me. If it helped, I wouldn't have been admitted 12 times in the past 10 years. Instead it becomes a cycle of me being in and out because it exasperates all my symptoms. But I'm not really sure what the alternative is at this point. Me killing myself? I don't want to die. I was doing so well and I was happy and then everything fell apart again. 

Don't give me a crisis line. I've tried them and they're all terrible.

Things don't get better. That's the biggest lie I've ever been told. I've suffered with BPD and mental illness since I was 11 years old, and I continue to be surprised by how much worse shit can actually get as time goes on.