i jus, need help.

i’m an 18 year old male, turning 19 in about a month. i live with my parents and have a full time job at a pizza place. my girlfriend of one year and i broke up recently and she started dating a cocaine addict a week later. had sex with him a week in, we never did that. she never posted me, she posts him constantly. 

my jobs become hell and nobody there respects me. 

i’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, bipolar, and ADHD and probably have manic disorder. My first, ahem, attempt, was in 5th grade. i’ve not had many friends my whole life. i’ve been bullied since kindergarten and have been accused of being a school shooter (which isn’t true), an abuser, and a sociopathic manipulator. to be honest, i doubt myself so much that i feel like i prolly am a manipulator, but just to myself. i absolutely hate me. it gets hard to wake up knowing i lose everyone i hold close.

i just, really wanna end it. i wanna end it all right now. i could take all my meds and do it, i could easily do something, and i’ve tried on numerous occasions. i just, don’t?

i feel selfish for wanting to kill myself. i feel like everything is selfish. i feel like suicide is selfish, i feel like seeking help is selfish, i feel like holding it in is selfish.

my whole life i’ve been told everything i did was wrong, and now here i am a year from 2 decades and i’ve made it nowhere. i wanna feel something other than pain. there’s so much i wont type cuz i don’t wanna, so much i’ve never told a soul or wont share.

even doing this seems like begging or baiting.

this is my final cry for help i’m afraid. i dunno how much longer i can do this. i feel myself slipping further and further everyday.

please, someone help me. i’m begging.