I need help from others with BPD on how to go forward in this situation. Ive been in treatment for the past three years, but currently dont recieve any therapy for my diagnosis since i cant afford to. I really need, and would appreciate, someone with experience to help me since i cant get any advice from my therapist right now.

Today i had a heated discussion with my sister and her boyfriend. This is the first time Ive ever disagreed so much with someone in a discussion and actually not ended up raging and crying at them. I was feeling ALL the feelings. But kept my cool and in my opinion was really good at not escalating. I had some slip ups but took back what I said immediately, rephrased and apologized. 

It ended up being cool but now I’m sitting alone in my room completely BURSTING with anger. All of the things they said replay in my mind over and over. All of the things I wanted to scream at them is going off in my head like a loud ass, never ending firealarm. I feel like I can’t mask it so I’ll have to isolate until I’ve calmed down or something. Please help.

Right now I’m feeling really offended by the way it went down. Her bf cut me off several times and laughed at some of my arguments. These are both huge triggers for me. But I kept it inside. The themes discussed were transphobia and the patriarchy. I didn’t start the discussion, I just replied to a myth that was stated to correct it. I’m really sensitive about the subject as I have a lot of loved ones who are trans or identify outside of the binary. So it sits very close to my heart, which they know. 

The discussion wasn’t too long, but long enough to the point that I wanted to leave several times. I ended up not leaving because I didn’t want to escalate by being “dramatic”. 

Now I’m sat in my room full of rage and feelings of inequality. At some point her bf asked me for literal SOURCES on my arguments. That pissed me of. He didn’t ask for them when my boyfriend was speaking.. 

In the end we all agreed to disagree and went on our ways. They seemed normal. I acted calm.

I’m kind of happy I didn’t rage at them. I don’t want to drive my sister away. At the same time I’m SO MAD I didn’t just rage?! It’s so contradicting and it’s driving me mad. On one hand I know I would have felt worse if I ended up screaming and making my sister cry or something but at the same time I feel like it’s so unfair that I can’t do that because that’s how I feel! Why does he get to peck at me during the argument and I have to shut up about it? Why does it feel so unfair? 

And how the hell do I go forward? We live in the same house so I’ll have to engage with them. I feel like I’m gonna burst. Please help! Do I talk to him or my sister privately? Do I set down boundaries? And what would those be? I’m so confused as to what is supposed to happen now. Like I said I’ve never had such a heated discussion without it ending in screams and crying before. 

The only feelings I’m having now is anger and indignation. 

I’m open to any advice and please tell me if I’m being unfair here 

Wtf please help I don’t know what else to say