I was unsure if I should tag smoking or hitting things as self harm. To me it is, so bear that in mind. I'm also on mobile because I'm still keyed up but crawled in bed too try to pretend to feel normal again. (It's not working).

I lost it. Complete hysterics, screaming, hitting things with my closed fist and I smoked half a pack of cigarettes. I haven't smoked in ten years. I'm still so angry. I heard or read somewhere, anger is the armor of pain. Nothing feels more accurate. I keep zoning out and losing track of things around me, not so great when I got in the car to leave. And then it hits again and I can't breathe. I might've alienated one of the people I love most in this world when all I wanted was him back in my life. 

I called the ER. They can't give advice over the phone and can't guarantee they won't put me on a psych hold. I can't go. My doctor hasn't returned my calls all week. I knew I was spiralling. 

And now I feel this gaping void just waiting to swallow me again. I want to burn everything to the ground until I'm standing in front of him so he can finally SEE me. 

I'll probably delete this. I don't know. I don't want to die. But I really really don't want to be here right now. And it's not going to get better. He's sleeping, he works in a few hours. I have to figure out how to not keep building a funeral pyre for a relationship I'm actively killing. 

I don't know if I'm asking for help. I don't know if there is any advice I'll take. I'm just so alone in my head.