I'm in a weird place right now so I'm just gonna use bullets.

* Took a leave of absence from college
* Get abandoned (literally) by my best friend
* Start using alcohol and casual sex as coping mechanisms for abandonment along with my other symptoms
* Guy I used to crush on in high school messages me on a dating site
* Instantly feel like I'm worthy of human interaction and emotion again
* Meet up, have great conversation, end up giving him oral in the backseat of his car
* Even more good conversation, drops me off at home, texts me a few days later something along the lines of "I don't feel any chemistry between us, but that was the best blowjob I've ever gotten. I don't want to pursue anything romantic or sexual with you, though."
* I text him a barrage of "Fuck you"s, "Don't ever speak to me again"s, and "Do you know how much you just hurt me"s
* He somehow puts up with that... somehow... and we continued to talk and I apologized for being such an emotional asshole
* We don't talk for a month
* Had a few shots after dinner today and tipsy-texted him, just asking what's up in his life
* Feel like I felt exactly the day we started talking again.

So I'm just in this really weird position. I got my shit together. I don't drink much anymore (except for today), I go to the gym, I got a job, I don't have casual sex to fill any voids. But *I am the one* who puts myself in these positions to set myself up for failure.

I guess I still feel like I'm unworthy of affection, even though I know that's not true. It's just... I know you all can relate when I say in those small moments where we feel connection, emotion, it's basically love. I idealized him. I took care of him physically and gave myself to him emotionally that night, two months ago. And then when he wants nothing to do with me? Fine, fuck you, go die. But please, please don't leave me. 

I know things would never work between us because our conversation we're having now feels so forced and I wish I didn't tipsy-text him because now I'm just reliving that pain, but I think back to the memory of that night and it was just perfect. 

I don't even know what kind of responses I want this post to get. I just needed to get this out there. This splitting of idealizing and demonizing is killing me. 

Can anyone help?