hi,

idk if anyone cares to read this, but here's the scoop. I'm a 25 year old dude (soon 26) recently moved to another part of my country for a new and fresh start. Since I've been 16 i've constantly struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, low self-confidence, anxiety, negative self thought and so on... the usual. I've never been good at making close friends and have honestly never been in a sexual relationship (i'm quite ashamed of it). The problem I have is that i'm mostly scared of putting myself out there because I think I look ugly most of the days of the week. My perception of myself is very twisted.. I know that I'm not as ugly as I think I am, but that does not help the matter. 

Weirdly enough I am extremely outgoing, social and don't struggle making "platonic" friends, although I've been making a real effort to be more open and try to make deeper connections with new friends. Sometimes it feels like I am different people. A lot of my newly found friends (that I've been out with) have told me that I am good looking and so on.. the big issue is that even though people keep telling me that it does not matter to me as I don't really believe it, truthfully.

I've had a particular scenario at work where a girl (a customer) hit on me, we exchanged snapchats, I invited her out and we had fun. The first thing she literally messaged me was telling me how pretty she thought I was, basically the "ideal" man. Like even though it was nice hearing this, looking at the big picture it feels like I don't care you know? It's like "nice thanks, let me go back to hating myself and the way I look". 

I've come along way, but a lot of the time I really want to die. Sometimes everything feels so meaningless. I didn't mention this, but I've self harmed a couple of times throughout this 10 year period and also kinda tried attempting suicide (idk if I can even call them that). I think the most likely scenario is that I have a chemical imbalance, but I am no expert. There will be days where I wake up and all I want to do is die (but I go to work and all that "normal" stuff). I keep pushing forward to create a better life for myself and honestly it is slowly, but surely getting better, but it takes so much out of me that it would be easier to just not exist.

I recently found out that my mother has narcissistic traits which no doubt affected my upbringing negatively. I don't really share a lot of personal things with my mother and genuinely don't like her company for more than 2-3 days at most (sorry mom). I do have a really close relationship with my sister though (she is really my cousin, but we are super tight). She basically knows everything and is super supportive. I appreciate and love her alot. She has helped me tremendously and I owe her everything.

I've had one managerial position at work for a couple of months and If I set my mind on something I tend to get it or do very well. I've been in amazing shape before and trained 6 times a week.. the reason why I am mentioning this is that even though I've achieved some "decent" things I never feel satisfied with my accomplishments. They usually feel like very small achievements and I brush them off as if it was just a pebble.

I've received advice from my sister that I should consider a therapist. I guess I'm more sceptical that it won't really resolve anything as well it being kinda expensive.

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S*orry about this being all over the place*

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**If you have any advice I would appreciate it a lot** ❤️

*Thanks for reading, have a nice day or evening.*