Last July time I asked my boyfriend if I could go round to his and he said “will have to give it a miss today not feeling great” of course I took this as “I don’t want you I’m cheating on you” and even though I told him I hoped he would feel well soon I was a mess.

When I got home I couldn’t stop crying. I tried to self harm. I wanted to break open a razor to get the blade to use on my arms. At this point I hadn’t heard from my boyfriend in an hour. In the process I slipped and took a chunk out my leg that wouldn’t stop bleeding. I then tried to make it worse despite feeling like I was going to throw up by pulling the sides of the cut apart.

My thinking was if it was bad enough to go to the hospital I could get some attention from it. I called my dad and he came around to take a look. He said it was close to needing stitches but didn’t so patched me up himself (he was a medic). I then for some reason decided to post on Snapchat “Great now I have to go to hospital” even though I didn’t, to get my boyfriends attention. He messaged me concerned obviously. I then went on about how my gran was going to throw me out the house and I was scared (which she did say but I knew she wouldn’t). Told him I didn’t need to go to hospital though. Also in the process my mum also found out and because she was drunk messaged him some nasty stuff (she is horribly abusive)

I’ve just been thinking about this a lot recently and realised how manipulative it was.  I feel really guilty thinking back on it. He didn’t feel well and I’m bombarded him with stressful stuff because of my own problems. I was actually trying to make him feel bad because I was angry he was sick, I feel so shitty.