I apologize if this is triggering but I have suddenly realized how unhealthy my behaviors are and have been since childhood.

My most concerning behavior was my 7-year-long daily routine that was 100% revolved around *sleep*. Lasted from 4th grade (my first bout of insomnia) to 11th.

To this day I have many part of my routine memorized, although I don’t do them anymore. Here is what I convinced myself:

- If you eat a breakfast other than your usual, you won’t sleep.

- You have to drink your coffee out of the little red mug or you won’t sleep.

- If you drink too much water at school, you won’t sleep, because you’ll be peeing all night.

- If practice goes a minute late, you won’t sleep.

- If you don’t go straight home from school, you won’t sleep.

- If you even sit on your bed before bedtime, you won’t sleep—let alone lie down or take a nap.

- You have to do your homework at *this specific chair* at the dining table or you won’t sleep.



*(bedtime was where it got really bad)*



- If dinner is after 7, you won’t sleep.

- If you take melatonin, you won’t sleep, because you know you’ll just be waiting for it to miraculously put you to sleep (which does not happen).

- Homework is done by 8pm or you won’t sleep. 8:30 at the very, very latest.

- Set pajamas out on bed before shower or you won’t sleep.

- If you brush your teeth before your shower, you won’t sleep.

- If you’re not out of the shower by 9:00 on the dot, you won’t sleep.

- If you wash your arms before your legs, you won’t sleep.

- If you wash your face the wrong way, you won’t sleep.

- If you switch to a new scent of body soap, you won’t sleep.

- If you wear long sleeves to bed, you won’t sleep. Strictly short sleeves and pj shorts.

- No water right before bed or you won’t sleep.

- Turn off this lamp first, then that one before you get in bed or you won’t sleep.

- Be in bed by exactly 10pm or you won’t sleep. If you haven’t fallen asleep by 10:20, you definitely won’t sleep.

- If you check the time you won’t sleep.

- Alarm ringer on 75% or won’t sleep.

- Lie on right side, right leg straight down, left leg bent, right arm bent under stomach, left arm on pillow, or you won’t sleep.

-Fall asleep and repeat. If I missed ONE thing in my routine, I’d lie awake sometimes for hours thinking about it.

For the record, sleepovers gave me extreme anxiety (not the hanging out part, just the idea of sleeping somewhere else). Rarely committed to those. If I did, I didn’t sleep. Or I went home at 2am.

What’s interesting is that it all ended very very suddenly...and for a ridiculous reason. Thinking back, it all stopped after I started getting drunk. I’d get drunk, completely dispose of my strict routine, and pass out at my friends’ house. Slept like a baby. I remember how refreshed I felt (ironically lol) knowing that I had done what everyone else could do: just go tf to sleep without all the prerequisites. I started unintentionally weaning off my routine, going to bed a little later, drinking caffeinated soda after school, etc. Eventually it all just *stopped*.


Although I don’t do this now, I still catch myself creating these little superstitious routines pretty frequently. I won’t get into the rest, as I feel like my past sleep routine is the best and most extreme example. Is this OCD behavior or is it just superstition?