This May I graduated from high school. I immediately made plans for what I wanted to do with my life. Go to college, become a teacher, and get my license in the meantime. Unfortunately, in August I became suicidal. I lost all motivation and ambition. I hate my body. I hate how I look. I hate existing. Brushing my teeth is a battle. Taking a shower is so much work. Taking care of my hair is a chore now despite my always loving it.  

I decided that I need help and I wanted to get therapy. So I went job hunting. To my surprise, there were no good jobs. I have no insurance and therapy is very expensive in my area so I needed something that paid a decent amount. I applied for one that paid $15 and waited a week or two for a response. In the meantime, I have checked for a new opening every single day. 

Another thing is that I have very bad social anxiety. Talking to people makes me feel sick to my stomach but recently I've been pushing myself to do it. I've been going to places and forcing myself to speak to people. I know that seems like nothing but to me it's everything. Even applying for jobs has made me freak the fuck out because it meant I had to socialize. I know this sounds pathetic but I just want to show how I've been trying. 

My partner knows all of this. I would rant to them about how much I wanted to kill myself and how I don't want to be a nobody my entire life. That I want to go to college and achieve my dreams but I feel like I can't do anything.

To my surprise, they told me that they wanted to make their parents proud but I haven't been doing anything with my life and despite me being depressed I'm wasting my time by staying at home all day. I was ridiculed and told that I haven't changed at all or attempted to change and that I'm lazy. I tried to defend myself but they said that I'm making just excuses. They continued by saying that they don't want to be with someone with no ambitions. I don't know how to feel now