so, my partner w/o BPD was raised w incredibly overprotective mom, and got their heart broken after being clingy and co-dependent in their first relationship, so they’ve developed a fear of engulfment. we just had this breakthrough, and i’m glad, because it explains their very odd behavior (being distant, seeming hesitant to make plans, etc.). 
seeing as i’m the pwBPD, this feels like a recipe for disaster. 
his behavior is very triggering for my BPD, because my brain interprets his distance for abandonment, and immediately convinces me that we are on the verge of breakup, even though our relationship is the most healthy one i’ve ever been in and our communication skills are amazing. 
i don’t really clue him in when my abandonment issues are triggered, im not sure if i should. in the moment, i worry if i open up about being afraid he is going to leave me, that will trigger his fear of codependency and do more damage. so, i internalize it and lay in bed for hours trying to assure myself he won’t leave me. 

should i tell him when i’m triggered? i feel like we are on opposite ends of the fear of intimacy spectrum. i’m all for communicating, but in our case, i don’t want to do more harm than good. 

it’s honestly triggering just KNOWING he has a fear of engulfment, because i know i’m gonna always be wary of showing affection or wanting to spend time together, out of fear of making him feel engulfed. 

i’ve been putting up with a lot more distance than most people would in my case(i know bc friends telling me to break up, plus all his past relationships ended due to his distance sabotaging the relationship), which has been really hard on me because i’m such a naturally clingy person. 

but, at the same time, it almost feels good for me to have a distant partner, bc it allows for my abandonment issues to be triggered, but i feel stable in my relationship, so i can logic through them on my own. 

idk. advice? thoughts?