So a couple weeks ago I had hooked up with a guy and the sex was great, only problem is that he showed me so much affection and care to the point that I grew a huge attachment to him. He treated me like one would a significant other and it ducked me up. I told him about my BPD and he gave my nothing but care and help. 

We both wanted two different things. He wanted to do what we were doing but also talk and meet other girls for a potential partner when he is ready. I wanted to be friends and exclusively have sex and what not. He made a good point of what’s the difference between that and being in a relationship. 

I he eventually called it off because he didn’t want to hurt me because I kept going from black to white with what I wanted to do with him. It became really confusing for me. 

The possibility of us hanging out again and having sex in the future was still on the table until yesterday when I made the mature realization that if I can’t keep a consistent decision on what I want to do I probably shouldn’t make one at all. If I can’t keep it all white all the time I know that it’ll become black. 

And now I’m sitting here crying because I can’t have sex with him and I can’t cuddle and be affectionate with him. I know it’s for the best in the long run but it still hurts. 

The upside is that out of 12 girls I am the best one when it comes to sex and appearance so I have that going for me. He validated me so much and now that’s it’s done I feel awful again. 

Thank you for reading.