Never thought my dry eye condition would make my life so terrible. Being in constant pain all the time plus having eye allergies and infections come and go all is becoming real hard to deal with. Plus all my expenses keep increasing because if this to the point where i cant even save much money. The place i work has AC working whole day which makes going through while day at work a real pain. I wake up everyday wishing i never wake up one day. But what hurts the most is lonliness, the fact that if you share your problems with your family they get irritated and start thinking of you as a burden. I dont have any friends or girlfriend i could share my problems with so i keep walking and suffering alone in silence. I work collegues keep taunting me over how boring my life is and how i should be more active and happy, but i just cant do it. They keep telling me to find a GF but they dont understand that most girls would never be with a guy who has health issues and who doesnt earn enough. I try finding a new job but i cant work on PC because of my eyes drying out quicker when i work on computers. Hell i cant even eat my favorite food because eating anything sweet or oily increases imflammation in my body further making my eye dryness worse, plus making my acne worse too. I dont even remember when i last ate something i like. I dont laugh or smile much, and even when i do i always have this thought at back of my head that my life will get bad again, and that my chronic condition is never going to get better. (my doc literally told me not to come back since she doesnt have any medicine for me). 

What i am saying is i have more reasons to die now than to live. Only thing or thought that keeps me alive is what will happen of my mother when i am gone. She isnt very close to my sister so if i am gone who will take care of her? Other than that nothing else is left. My life was over a long time ago. I am just a corpse now. 

But you know as much as i want to die sometimes, the realization that i actually want to stay alive, just hurts so much. I always had this dream of falling in love with a girl and having a happy life with her forever, and the fact that that dream now seems impossible, just hurts me so much.

Whenever i get the thoughts of sucide i keep screaming in my head - i dont want to die, atleast let me fall in love once, atleast let me feel those warm hugs and cuddling, that comforting of someone atleast once before i die. I keep wishing god everyday before i sleep to give me someone to love and live for. 

Anyways, sorry for rambling. If you read it this far, thanks a lot. Now a lot of people hear me out, none actually. I dont know how long i can keep going, but if i ever decide to die, the only thing that will hurt is that a good hearted person like me, who cared about everyone around him, was never cared for by anyone.