I've always been a loner. It was partially due to all these social difficulties I've had since I can remember but I was also pretty good at doing things by myself. Everything changed after my second attempt at higher education at 21. This cool and funny hipsterish girl saw a good addition to her friend group in me thanks to my occasional eccentricity. 

Some of these people and I developed tight relationships relatively quickly. We would do regular college student activities but for me it was rite of passage, like I finally felt young and normal. Unfortunately, things ended up pretty ugly, after that girl's bf and I developed excessively strong emotional connection (he was my first fp I suppose). After that I got as lonely, lost and heartbroken as only bpd can make you. I've lived through some darks periods in my life but this one was particularly traumatising. Memory of that feels too real even after 2 years that passed.

And yet I may be at it again with my current fp, not my only friend, but the only person I talk to every day. Trying to figure this out but I'm afraid it will be another shit show since I'm so desperate and freaked out while she became distant.

I don't want to be on my own again, it will literally kill me after I experienced how it is on the other side. Such deep loneliness and having no one to talk to about your day to day life is dehumanising and I feel like I won't bear it again. 

(sorry for my poor execution of English)