Sooo some time ago we were watching the Star Wars prequels with my boyfriend (spoilers!), and I had the most moving experience. I related to Anakin in a way that I've never related to any movie character before. Specifically the scene where he's talking to Padme about the things that killed his mother (search something like anakin skywalker i hate them on youtube and the scene should show up). He was so angry and sad and hateful and I didn't know anyone else ever felt that way. Then I started thinking, maybe I haven't seen that feeling in anyone else because it's not normal.

The first time I remember feeling like that was back in middle school. I was texting a boy. I was being a bit weird because I'm undiagnosed autistic and because I wasn't really trying to get to know him, I was more trying to get reactions out of him in order to feel excited. I thought that was normal because that's the way some boys always talked to me. Maybe they were bullies, or teasing me. Again, autistic.

But then what happened is he screenshotted these messages and sent them to his friends. I was furious. Basically I wanted to murder him, I really did. I was so angry I was shaking. I made the mistake of venting my (very murderous) feelings to my friends in a Whatsapp group, and those messages got screenshotted too. At that point I was more scared but nothing happened, just a couple people were weirded out. Whatever.

The second time was in high school when I was with my first boyfriend. He was friends with this awful guy (he was awful himself) and what happened is that we were hanging out during recess and their group of guys was joking around, and then the awful guy said this "joke", I'm not even going to say what he said because it's so triggering, but something about being a pedophile rapist. I felt horrible, I was so angry that he would say that. When I got home I hit myself and threw myself against a wall. I texted my boyfriend about what a horrible person he is. I fantasized about killing him, I did for a long time after this happened if I came across something triggering. It felt awful.

The third time is when me and my first boyfriend broke up. He was a shitty person and had treated me a bit badly. Everything that I had been holding in for half a year came out. Every single person I talked to got to know what a horrible person he was, I couldn't talk or think about anything else. For months. It took me over a year and a half to stop thinking about it altogether. The murder fantasies were there once again, and sometimes we texted each other, don't remember who initiated it, but I was insulting him very badly, calling him evil and stuff like that. We actually got back together for a few weeks a few months later (I had just broken up with someone else and didn't want to deal with it emotionally), but it didn't last because he didn't love me and I hated him.

So those were the times I have felt intense anger. Another thing that makes me think BPD is me not being able to be single. Before my first boyfriend I was suicidal and throughout all my relationships I've been afraid to go back to that. I often think "if he breaks up with me I'll kill myself", but I don't tell my boyfriend about this. I feel like nothing without him. I don't self harm anymore but I have urges when I think about or see triggering stuff (sexual abuse related). Mm by the way I had an episode of internet sexual abuse after middle school. Also got assaulted (not rape) by my first boyfriend. But I've had problems before those things even happened.

I'm not super impulsive but I have sometimes messaged people weird things to get a reaction out of them, and I had a problem with buying make up sometime in high school but I was able to stop doing that.

I'm a bit confused about all of this, sorry if this was a ramble. But I'm not sure if this is BPD or just autism, because autism can cause intense emotions and lack of identity and autistic people are at high risk for mental illness. Thank you if you took the time to read this.