Hello

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I have never written anywhere like this before, I just feel so lost, confused and helpless.

My husband has BPD and ADHD and I love him very much. I just don't know how to make our marriage work anymore, i feel like i am loosing my mind.

The relationship began as a whirlwind of romance, love and affection. It was perfect. I had never met someone who adored me so much. He was diagnosed before we got together. When he had negative thoughts and went in to a dark place, I sat and listened, supported him, did everything in my power to comfort him. As well, he has always had therapy and professional support, he also is medicated for his ADHD.

As time went on things changed. His outbursts and suicidal attempts began to traumatize me - to the point where now I am waiting for therapy myself.

In my mind I can't stop seeing him with a knife to his throat. I can't stop hearing him take out his anger and suffering out on me. I have read online a quote - "I hate you, dont leave me" and this is so true. In his episodes he has made many threats to hurt me, in fact kill me and then kill himself.

 After his outburts are over, he tells me he loves me and his words are not true. But i find it so hard to detach.

His impulsive spending has also meant he has run out of money, and now I am financially responsible for both of us. Another big stress I am carrying around.

I have forgotten what it is like to feel relaxed and content. I am constantly worried about what might happen next. 

I have now built up so much resentment for the pain he has put me through. I want to sympathies and support him, but the hours i have spent crying and terrified because of his suffering has hurt me so much. Now because of this I find I am snapping at him. Anger is a quality I have never had before. And this results in him having more episodes. It is a really horrible vicious cycle.

I dont want to hurt him

I dont want him to hurt me

There is nothing I want more than to be happy and stay with him, but i just dont know how anymore.

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Will I ever stop being his emotional punch bag?

Will I ever recover from the hurtful things he has said to me in his episodes?

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Please help.

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