I got out of a year long toxic relationship. i stayed because of corona and I was afraid to be alone. He lied, cheated, and overall told me I wasn't worth anything. It turns out, all those months I stayed because I was afraid to be alone, I was actually setting myself up for long term internal issues with self confidence and self worth. 

By the time it did end, I was so damaged from all the abuse that I became apathetic towards everyone else. I got back on dating apps too quickly to numb the pain and ended up meeting someone who raped me on the first date. This was in August.

Tonight, I deleted all my social media because I realised that I viewed every man as evil, or guilty of some crime. I was torturing myself hating everyone before I ever could put a face to a name. 

My suffering didn't end when my relationship did. But now, it can end. Eventually. Sometimes it feels my suffering has only begun, but it's important to remember that this too shall pass. 

Tonight I thought for a split second about ending my own life. The men that have hurt me don't care if I die or not. But my family does, and I have to be strong for them. 

It was not a good night for me. But I'm not alone, and neither are you.