Ran out of one of my medications on Friday morning (today being Monday). Not sure what exactly it was for, but I used to take it in conjuction with another medication. 

First thing I noticed is how awful I felt. I had this crushing headache (very similar to my occassional cluster headache), nausea, slight dizziness. At first I thought it was COVID, but thankfully it wasn't. I took some Flanax, then later, I took some CBD gummies to see if that would relax me.

It did. I hadn't even noticed how fine I was until late at night. I realized I no longer had my headache, I was just working in the kitchen, washing dishes like I normally do.

But then I was hit with something else. Not painful, just emotionally crushing. My thoughts are all over the place right now, and I want to apologize for that. When I was very young I was diagnosed with ADHD. At the time I didn't understand it so I never said anything, but I also very strongly desired to be a girl. Much, much, much later in life, like two years ago, a therapist diagnosed me with gender dysphoria, along with anxiety, and depression, alongside my already, now-untreated, ADHD. Everything made sense while nothing made sense. I still very, very, very strongly desire to be a woman. I abhor myself, constantly, almost excessively. I hate that I get horny, want to pleasure myself, must pleasure myself. Constantly. I can't go into a toilet and lower my pants without instantly imagining my wife straddling me right there and then, or any other number of sexual situations with her, and always because I'm sitting on the toilet, because I hate my physical gender markers -- or my one physical gender marker. But that doesn't matter. 

Here I am, standing in my kitchen, scrubbing a plate. Making sure it's nice and clean. Perfect. So that my family will be safe from bacteria, or old food, or anything that might remain on the plate, fork, cup, sippy bottle, etc. Etc and etc. So many et ceteras I can't stand it. I want to smash dishes, want to break down and cry, but why do that in front of my wife and my two girls? So I continue wiping and putting things away. I sit down, reward myself with some Fortnite with my wife, playing the girl characters, always, must be the girl characters.

At some point, I end up going to bed. Obviously, next to my wife which I just want to stick my, whatever. I'm just horny, and I don't want to be. Well, I want to be horny, it's a nice feeling, and the sensation of release would make it all the better, but we can't have that. It's just the way it is.

I stay up and play Salt and Sanctuary. (My character's a girl) It's actually more enjoyable than I thought. It's 1130pm now. I'll stay up for a bit. 

It's 4am now. Where the fuck did the time go. I go to the bathroom, jerk one out. Disgusted, but relieved. 

I wake up Sunday morning, two days now without my second pill. Again, wake up horny, whatever. Kick that thought out of my mind, doesn't matter. Can't get breakfast because my mother-in-law (that lives downstairs from us and rents us the apartment upstairs) decides to take our car out of town to go gambling. Whatever. I play video games all day. Don't really feel like doing much of anything else. I do want to do other things, but I know my wife won't enjoy them. She gets bored with my movies (I still haven't finished watching Don't Look Up or Last Night in Soho). I don't want to bore her. So we play Fortnite again. I get frustrated with some losses, I get more frustrated with my girls interrupting me. Fuck, have to change another diaper. Have to get them to stop fighting. Have to give them a snack. Have to make lunch for the family. Have to clean up their mess. Have to get a juice. Peel a banana. Wipe an ass, when's she going to learn to do it on her own.

Hours later we decide to give Fortnite a pause. We begin watching Arcane. We binge watch the rest of the series, since we were like 4 episodes in weeks ago. All the while I'm cleaning up, watching the girls, getting/making food, etc. Have to bathe them. Maybe we'll get sex now since the girls are busy showering. Nope. Still on a period. Wish I had periods. Would be better than this stiff between my legs.

It's late. It's like 12:30 in fact. My daughters are still wide awake. One's begging for more tablet time. No, it's bad enough that we gave her an extra few hours so we could finish Arcane. I don't even want to fucking stay up. I'm so annoyed by the entire day. I'm at my wit's end. It's not like I can go to bed in a dress. I look at myself in the mirror, unshaven, annoyed. Fat, people say I'm not fat. Look at all that hair, what a freak, what a disgusting fuck. I hate you. I'll shave tomorrow morning, whatever. Don't have time now. Time for bed. They keep rolling around between my wife and I. She's singing something about a Chicken Wing and a Hotdog with Bologna. Damnit, just go to sleep.

It's Monday now. Need to get my daughter ready for school. She won't wake up, keeps complaining, she takes after her other mo-- she takes after her father, me. I finally get her up, get her teeth brushed. Get her backpack prepared, snacks, we're out of her snacks. Just get some apple sauce, a fruit juice. Pack her up. Her mother drives her to school -- I don't know how to drive. I go to the bedroom and jerk off until I hear the car arrive. Didn't come, but felt good. Wish I could be the girls I look at. Snuggle up to my wife in bed, touch her down there, warmth, but I can't have it right now. Now get ready for work. Take out the garbage. Get my duties out of the way. Clean up soda cans. Clean up juice boxes. Clean up the kitchen. Throw out paper plates. Crush cans. Balance a stack of plates in the dish sink. Go to work. Look at Twitter for hours while answering calls and typing this up. Keep getting interrupted. Want to go home. 

Maybe today I'll get some?

I don't know. I'm just annoyed, tired, frustrated, exhausted, wishful, lustful, jealous, envious, cold, irritated, I have to fake happiness on the phone. I have to fake happiness in person. I want my pills, I'll feel better with my artificial dose of happiness. I can then at least focus on work, right?