I’ve always struggled with being in a good mood in the morning, for my entire life. Here at 29 years, I’m having a lot of trouble stopping drinking. I mostly drink beer and seltzers and try to stay away from
liquor and never black out. However sometimes I’ll drink all day, spacing them out, but maybe having 6-12 drinks at most. 

When I stop for a few days, I’m constantly thinking about drinking and fighting the urge to go to the corner store. It takes up a lot of energy in my mind. 

Today I woke up a little hungover with one tall can left. My first thought is to have the beer, but physically I know my body doesn’t want it, but my mind does. Sometimes when I drink in the morning, I’ll immediately throwing up because of stomach acid, my body doesn’t want it but my brain does. 

Also, my ex and I broke up originally in October when she cheated on me while in a blacked out manic state with someone I thought I could trust. She left with him after I punched him for calling her a slut and insulting me for having a new gf soon after another relationship. In reality he was incredibly jealous of my life. She saw violence but didn’t hear anything he said to me about her as he swept her up under the disguise that I was the bad guy. They ended up having sex and she was so confused and out of it she said my name the whole time. After that we broke up, I ended up having sex with his baby mama several times until that became triggering in itself. I still have lots of hate for this dude that I really want to let go of. 

Anyways my ex and I got back together and broke up a couple times all on my terms. We still hook up and it’s amazing yet emotionally taxing. She still loves me and I still love her, yet when I’m with her I’m often reminded of why I shouldn’t be with her. My heart has felt so heavy for so long now. 

Drinking doesn’t really help and can make things worse at times but I’m still so called to it. Basically I want to free myself from mental Attachments to alcohol and her and reclaim my mind. It’s really hard because I don’t have a lot of close friends where I live and I’m barely paying rent. 

Mornings are tough. No work today. I feel really alone. I just want to feel inspired and motivated for life. I don’t want to be like my dad and drinking alone and depressed. I love him so much. I love people who have hurt me as I see that’s it’s not always their intention and often just their own demons. 

I just wish I could love myself more.