let me preface this: theyre not abusive, theyre not even mean or spiteful on their worst days, theyre incredibly kind and the best person ive ever known in my life and i feel so guilty 

we dated for three-ish years until they broke it off a couple years ago due to sexuality things, since then its been a good (now long distance) friendship (and. *well,* something else every so often. [ofc instigated by me, and then subsequently cut off by me.]) but i feel like im the toxic one in the relationship. 

im quiet in my borderline traits, so most (not all, unfortunately) of my nasty splitting thoughts i have about them have never seen the light of day, but im still so guilty. im just, too much. im intense, im seriously attached (i text them every fucking day!! for no other reason except that i crave their attention!!!) and i feel like my presence in their life isnt needed.

fuck, im their old toxic highschool partner, but now we're adults and while they're out of home, in uni and working, im still under my parents house and trying desperately to find work in between my episodes. i cant even tell who i am anymore, i dont even know my own name and i cant remember the person they used to like and enjoy spending time with. im just a husk holding on.

im trying so hard to be a better friend for them. im in therapy again and on new better meds and im trying not to be a burden on them but i still feel so so so guilty that im still there in their life, like a gross stain. i know i need to be kinder to myself, but i just hate myself too much even try. tbh i don't even want to bring this up to them because it sounds so intensely guilt-trippy, i just wish i could disappear without them knowing or hurting.