TW: suicide ideation/ self harm
 
So I was recently diagnosed with BPD after 30 years and I was amazed to find that there was something that explained my constant thoughts, behaviours etc. In my last appointment he said there was a treatment that he wanted to assess me for and would I come back. 
I went back for an the assessment and was getting frustrated with the feeling of being open. I didn’t know what to say when he was asking certain questions but answered them as best I could (a lot about abusive past events and people).
Towards the end he says that people accepted onto programme are usually worse than me. 
I closed up and got really mad, thought about walking out, stayed, broke my cup  (i didn’t mean to) I was holding and he was then like look at your hands you’re shaking, breaking your cup being aggressive. 
This is not me being aggressive. 
I keep my aggressive in because I’m scared of totally flipping if I let it out.
I feel like I’ve held on to the fact that I was FINALLY going to get some help and now instead other people have it worse off than me (something I’ve heard my entire life!) 
I just feel so hopeless. I’m staying with my ex-partner and don’t have my own space. I can’t afford to move.
I feel like it would be easier if I weren’t here dealing with this. If all I’ve got to look forward to is more of the same. 
My family don’t care. I’ve got no friends. I feel like I just want to harm myself and intense suicide ideation. 
I don’t want to leave the bed/room but there are expectations of me. 
I feel like everyone expects me to just handle this myself all the time and get on as if everything’s fine. When I ask for help it’s too much to ask. 
I just feel so hopeless and like such a waste of space. What does my life even mean to the world in the scheme of things. 
I can’t even remember what he said at the end because I just wanted to get out of there and was trying to hold everything in. 

