Sick and tired. Feel like the whole thing is just a plot to see how far I'm willing to go until I wake up like this is not real and nothing is real. I want to just go to sleep and not wake up. Ive tried calling my Dr and other places but they're all closed for the holidays. I've tried therapy everyone's tired of my shit. I just don't have the energy anymore, I don't feel much other than anger and self pity. I think I'm going to end it soon, I'm 29 now and have no family of my own or anything thst people seem to value in life like a decent job and place to live and friends. I'm so unappreciative and ungrateful for all of what I have now, so idk how it would be if I had any of those other things anyway, think it would just be wasted on me. The only reason I'm still here is that my parents would peobably be upset cause their only child is a complete looser and didn't live longer and die after they have gone first. I think I want to die before I hit 30, that seems like a benchmark to measure life's success up until that point.
I can't hold down a job I got fired from my last one bc I was hardly in due to ill health and kept having migraines bc I couldn't handle the stress of showing up every day. I see no value in myself and I'm just waiting until my parents die, I'll be all alone and there's not much worth living for. they're getting older and more tired that daughter is a waste of space nobody. "I shouldn't have to put up with this" after my last little anger burst out. They're right they deserve better but shit lottery they ended up with me. I got a stockpile of metrazapine and some other meds I think I can make use of. I just need to get my head together to do it. Trigger warning I guess cause I want to die idk.