Do tell me, why can’t I, at the ripe age of 29 years old, figure the f out when someone is actually mad at me versus just busy?

Like I see rejection *everywhere* and it’s just exhausting. If a friend of mine doesn’t respond in a certain way or follow a similar pattern, I automatically assume I did something wrong to upset them and I start imagining in my head all the ways I need to salvage the relationship. Meanwhile none of this is actually happening and I’m sure they have no idea this is happening. 

I guess you could say I’m a “quiet” borderline so all the splitting happens in my head and no one is the wiser, except my husband who knows because I vent to him for reassurance. 

Why can’t I figure out when my behavior is actually problematic to someone else and not just myself... 24/7? Most people don’t affect me emotionally at all, but if I care about someone, it takes up a ton of my mental capacity. I wish I could feel and accept love from people. I always feel so much shame for just speaking and existing, and boy do I speak and make my presence known. 

tl;dr Having friends and allowing them to control my day to day emotions is exhausting. Like many of the sentiments on this sub - I hate this disorder lol