Im not sure where to start...

I guess I just feel trapped in my own life. I wish i could go back in time and talk to the younger me and warn him. Work harder. Dont just go through life with the "ill do it later" mentality. Just inform him of all the lessons ive learned. Warn him of the mistakes ive made. Go down a different path. Get out of your comfort zone. 

 I feel bad because i want to change my life and that would mean i wouldnt have my son and hes truly amazing. Hes the best thing in my life right now, but hes really the only bright spot. That said, i dont feel like im giving him my best as a father because everything else is eating at me. He loves me so much and it makes me feel so good, but i feel like i am or will fail him. 

 I had him with a woman who can truly be a monster. We are not compatible. Shes a loner and im someone who was a loner because i thought so little of myself, but always wanted to have fun with someone. She is insanely jealous and ive only ever been with one person before her and it was a relatively short relationship that broke me. She says things like if she dies first, not to get remarried or even hook up with someone. If i do then dont mix in her urn lol. She used to tell me to go back to my ex when we would fight (she didnt want me and now you say that to me?). I could do or say something that might make her laugh or get no response one day that would make her go nuts the next. I cant just go hang out with my friends if they come up with somethibg last minute, it must be planned ahead enough. Our sex life is awful. She likes to have sex with me but she doesnt smell particularly good to me, she isnt very adventurous,  only likes the lights off, only wants one position, doesnt like any other types of fooling around, and if i try to bring any of this up to her she thinks its because sex was better with my ex (i guess it was but ours could be better than that if she wanted) and thinks shes not good enough for me so i just say nothing. I am a sexual person, and as someone who always wanted sex as a younger man and never got it, to be stuck for the rest of my life in this situation makes me feel sick and has driven me deeper into porn. I know she loves me but its not what i picture of what love is. She will do everything for me interms of laundry, cooking, but i can do that.  She just doesnt get me or what i need. Maybe i dont get her, but at the same point, ive checked out because i cant stand the fights. I hate the instability and unpredictability. I married her because i knew she wouldnt give my son my last name if i didnt. My son loves both of us so much and hates it when we are both not there. I dont want to blow up his world. I dont want to miss moments with him that i would if we split.  

I have parents that really love me. A dad that was a great provider and i needed for nothing, but didnt really have a backbone and never gave me an example of how to talk to women or be a man. He is a great guy. I love him very much. He recently told me that he didnt get as close to me because my mom would have gotten jealous. My mother showered me with love, but constantly overstepped boundries, injected herself in situations she shouldnt have, and was emotionally manipulative.she contacted coaches on her own, to my horrer and detriment, when i was having issues. She even took it upon herself to contact my boss when i was a new employee, but got sick. She is the adult child of an alcoholic. She doesnt have accountability for her actions and will blame others for her own bad behavior. For example she cheated on my dad and said it was his fault. She thinks shes a good person and that good people dont hurt others, especially the ones they love so she cant compute when she does fucked up shit. She will do very nice things for people because it honestly makes her feel good and she wants to, but at the same time, keeps a score. If she does something for me, or my family and we dont want to do something she wants to do (which is usually something she sets up without my/our input) she gets mad and either implies we're ungrateful or outright says it. Im not sure if its just her personality or if shes getting older and losing it, but she doesnt remember things as theyve happened. The only reason i think its not all just getting older is that the memory always slants in a narrative she likes or works for her. When shes left alone she dreams up things and thinks thats whats going on. When my son was born, my wifes whole family showed up the day we went home and then met us at our place (theyre filipino by the way so big fam and my fam is white). My mom felt like she was being forced out. She left immediately with my dad and was clearly emotional. I called her on the phone to be told that theyre coming to swoop in and he will be filipino now and she wont see him. Wtf? Our first christmas with my son, i was forced to work overtime and was only there like 1 day. My mom started to freak out saying how shes just going to go out of town for christmas and, i dont remember the whole convo at this point, ended up saying my wife used me as a sperm donor and of course my wife saw that text. It took her three emails and countless texts before she sent anything that remotely looked like an apology and not her making excuses or actually making herself the victim. She is also can turn into a complete asshole when she is drunk, like her father, but she isnt an alcoholic. Theres so much more but i just dont have the will to go on with everything on her.

I was always picked on as a child. I was always the biggest kid in school. I felt ugly, fat and unwanted. I was so angry but so sad. The sadness tended to win out. Instead of motivation for betterment, i self sheltered. I wouldnt go out with my family in public places because i didnt want anyone from school to see me. I couldnt talk to girls i like, and if they found out i liked them, they always seemed to react with disgust or even stop talking to me when they were my friend previously. I had a couple good friends, but one moved and the other really changed. Luckily this was when high-school was starting and i was getting into sports.

 I was always a big dude. 6'4. Naturally very strong. Lifting made me extremely strong, but i was too lazy to stay consistent. I had the i"ll start tomorrow approach. My main sport was wrestling. It scared me but i felt so good being successful. At first i didnt want to do it. Fat kid in a singlet, right? I thought i was going to be a football player. I was an offenseive tackle, and while it took me a couple years to get everything to click, i became VERY good. I played in a very tough conference and had all state people lined up across from me who i consistently shut down. I didnt give up a sack my senior year. I was all conference my junior year. All this sucess was happening while i was also hitting my stride in wrestling. To the point where i was making wrestling a huge focus. My school wasnt really known for it, so when i was a sophomore and started winning tournaments and almost going to state, it seemed like a huge deal. I wantes to win state and be the best. The kids that made fun of me would be scared and the girls i like might like me. I did work pretty hard at it, but i definitly didnt work as hard as i should have. My football coach didnt like that i wasnt making football the foxus and didnt nominate me for all conference my senior year which kept me out of all state talks. He also directed schools who recruiting me away. Of which i had proof. I was mad and hurt, but knew i had something ahead of me that wasnt subjective. I was ranked 1st in state at my weight me senior year. I had 36 consecutive pins, and went into the semifinals of state with a 40-0 record. I did a stupid move and was put to my back and pinned in the first minute. I was broken after that. I lost my next 2 matches. Goodbye wrestling scholarships. Goodbye championship. Goodbye girls who would find my success attractive.

I went to college to wrestle and struggled with injuries. I started the first half of a season but was replaced when i took time off when my grandpa died. I ended up quitting, but started into mma. I tjough i could do this to get success with women. Spoiler alert, it never worked. I worked at a bar with beautiful women. Some i would fall for only to watch them go off with one of my fellow coworkers or patrons. I was the nice guy you dont mess with, but just a friend. I pursued a girl who worked there that strung me along. She had problems, but she was very attractive and i thought i was captain save a hoe or maybe i was just a simp. Either way it was toxic and she used me for emotional support, but i never got anything from it. I dont know why i continued to pursue her. It was such a huge mistake. I want to go back and just slap myself. Eventually though, i did sever ties and stopped talking to her. She acted offended, but it was all for the best.

I decided to become a firefighter and first became a paramedic. While working a private contract i met a very attractive er tech who i clicked with right away. We would talk every time we saw eachother until i had to leave. One day i asked her if she would want to egt breakfast after our shifts and she said yes. It was a total whirlwind. She was the first person i was ever with. The first time was horrifying and embarrassing. For some reason, she was cool as a cucumber and came back and then we were like rabbits. She may have broken me for future relationships because she was a lot of fun in bed and very beautiful. There were a lot of red flags. She had quite the past, and she had odd ways of thinking about things.  It may sound like slut shaming  but 5 months later, while still acting like she was in love with me, cheated on me with a firefighter from another department. I was BROKEN. I think i still am to be honest. Looking back, there were signs. I just chose not to see them. I wish i could go back and tell myself to have my fun but know what it is.

Shortly after this i got hired at a full time department. I was probably letting the breakup cloud my whole life and i hated the department. I got out of there for the department i am at now. It hasnt gone great. Through my own actions and some out of my control, it hasnt been fun for me. It has moments, but overall i hate my job. Honestly, most of the calls we go on are bull shit. A lot of abuse of the 911 system and its crazy how little care our elderly and chronically sick receive and how less than human theyre treated overall. Same with the poor. The nursing homes in our town might as well be dog cage. The conditions some people live in that are in poverty is truly heartbreaking. Seeing the same patients over and over with mental illness that they dont have the money ro properly treat or doctors just trial and error drugs on them until they give up on them. Then you have the rich people in town that treat us like peasants and offer us almost no respect even when they really need us. I work in a town that thinks cutting cost (cutting service) is what is best for everyone, but all it does is make the job harder than it already is. I dont always have the best attitude which is totally my fault, but i also hate it, and considering im not happy at home, what can i do?

The last thing i had was athletics, but now my body is falling apart. I abused it and now im feeling the effects. When i was fighting, i was able to get into such good shape, i saw abs for the first time. Then i let myself gain all the weight back. I needed back surgury when i was 18, but wasnt careful years later with what i was doing and reinjured it. I lose weight, gain it back, lose it, gain it. I managed to get a black belt in Brazilian jujitsu and loved training, but everytime i went to compete, id have a setback. Torn ligament, gout, covid.... now o herniated s1 in my back and havnt been able to train for months and i feel so horrible.

My wife and mother dont talk now. They had a huge blowup just as we moved into a house close to them. My wife called my dad to basically bitch about something my mom did and he answered on speaker phone... my mom overheard. My wife talks shit about my mom, my mom talks shit about my wife. Remember how i said my mom dreams up shit when left alone? Yea thats on overdrive. She also was torruring my dad about the whole situation to the point where he was having cardiac issues and went to the hospital. He ended up getting a stent but no heart attack. Christmas is going to be a shit show. 

I know this is long, and im not even sure it makes sense. My life could be so much worse. I know that, but i hate it. Mostly because i really hate myself. I hate who i am, i hate how i think, i hate everything i am. I dont think i have the balls to kill myself, but i sometimes wish i wasnt alive anymore. Then i think of my son and how much he loves me and how sad he would be if i was gone. He is my little buddy. Im scared that maybe he wont be my buddy one day. Or i will let him dowb like ive let myself down. I feel like i could be so much better for him. A better example. I just revert back into self pitty and depression. I just want to be different. I just want to be happy. I was maybe teuly happy for like 4 months of my life. If i could have half of that again i would be ok with that.

If you made it this far, im sorry, but also thanks i guess. You dont have e to leave a comment. Just writing this here was therapeutic. Ive never told these whole truths all together before. Theres so much more, but i cant type anymore. 

Heres to the new year.... oh and sorry for spelling errors and typos. I have big thumbs and they hit the wrong keys sometimes.