Since I was 17 I feel like I’ve been going through hell non stop. I lost my father 2 to suicide and I was the one to find him. Not long after that I met an amazing girl who I thought was the one, she pulled me out of tough times  and I was with her for 3 years and then I ruined everything and lost her forever. I don’t have any real friends to talk to or reach out to. I abused cannabis the whole time trying to use it as a coping mechanism and wasted my years away. 

Start of this year I quit the pot, got a decent job and kept trying to improve myself. But these thoughts in my head will never go away. 

I’ve sought help many times before, been on meds, seen doctors, psychologists and the sort. Nothing helps me. I’m broken beyond repair and I feel like soon I will become another “statistic”. I’ve tried but I can’t do it anymore.

I could go on forever abouts what’s wrong. But then I just feel pathetic as I know others have had it much worse.

This is my first reddit post, I don’t know if anyone will see this. I don’t know if I will reply or be here tomorrow, I don’t want to be.