I will 23 years old in July with no car license and no highschool degree.
I felt out of place since I was 14yo but in the last couple years I've been better last summer I even managed to get a one month summer job that went very well but I'm still fucking stuck with my brain I feel like everyday I'm slipping out of society and I'm thorn about that too because I'm scared of a "normal" life where I go to work and pay bills because it feels like something I will never be able to manage properly so being out of that seems a good thing on the other side I'm not letting myself off easily and my brain repeates to me 24/7 that if I'm not doing something it would be better if I offed myself, funnily enough I don't think this part of me is wrong.
I care deeply about my parents but I feel that being stuck incapable of doing anything is hurting them while I'm afraid that doing something and failing at it will disappont them like when I tried to get a car license and i felt like I was prepared so I went to take the test and miserably failed 'cause I panicked.
I'm in therapy and it makes me feel better but when every Friday afternoon I walk out of her office I feel everything resurface and cripples me, sometimes I'm able to take a little step forward and everyone says it's a lot but I think that managing to do something like working for the first time at 22yrs is fucking pathetic, I'm not killing myself because I don't want to destabilize my sister and my parents and because that I think that suicide wouldn't be a solution I should erase my existence from everyone's memory.
I don't feel particularly motivated to try anything either because I'm afraid to use money and resources from my parents to do something that I'm not 100% sure I'll be able to see through.
I constantly feel under an infinite amount of pressure that it's totally unaccounted for because my parents aren't strict and very understanding and the people I talk to about my situation are usually comprehensive or uninterested but try to politely hide it so my only source of pressure is myself but it still feels like I'm gonna implode.