I don't know if this is an actual thing with BPD, but since I have known myself, I just have this hatred for the stupidest of reasons. And it's not just a casual or normal hate that might fluctuate according to my mood or to their actions, it's permanent — it's there to stay. It's like a fact of life I cannot change no matter how much I try. I just don't want to have anything to do with them. This is how I feel toward my father, my mother, my sister and most of the people I meet/know. People who I should love.  


And needless to say this has been a huge influence on my life choices and on my relationships. I didn't really have  a girlfriend, but I have been in relationships, but they never worked because eventually end miserably, besides other reasons, hatred had been factor.  


Yes, my childhood wasn't the best, my father in particular was really, really harsh on me, to the point where all I could thing about is him, watching me. Even if he wasn't around, that's all I could think of, and that made me too self-conscious about every singe action I take. He's changed now, but I just can't stop how I feel. I'm stuck in my childhood where I'm frightened all the time. I know that might explain the hatred towards him, but it doesn't explain the hatred towards other people.  


I'm just so tired of this and I just don't know what to do.