Idk what’s wrong with me, the codependency rn is at an embarrassing high. 

When I’m alone, all I want to do is cut myself, eat, masturbate, and cry. I just repeat this until I’m forced to leave my apartment (work) or I tire myself enough to pass out (usually in the middle of one of those activities). 

I just can’t be left alone in my head. Every thought is saturated in cringe, the voice itself makes me want to rip my eyelids off. I’m fully fucking exhausted and should be able to take more than a 2 hour nap but I just can’t. 

I’ve never been to a hospital and I don’t want to start now. But I’ve been having panic attacks on and off for the last 7hrs with bits of SH because I ditched all my friends last night and then got mad at myself immediately after once i realized i’d be alone until work today. So naturally, as no one has gotten ahold of me yet, i called into fucking work (??). They only give me enough fucking anxiety meds for like 3 major panic attacks a month even though i told them i have them every fucking day. 

Idk what to do with myself. This is embarrassing and it’s fucking unfair- my friends should be able to have fun without me and especially without me running off and pouting, cutting up my fucking body to (indirectly, not on purpose of course, i hate this bit) make them guilty for leaving me alone. I don’t want them to feel that way but they do, my fucking best friend told me he was afraid to leave me alone sometimes and i hate that for him he deserves better friends