I can't move, I don't want to move. All I can do is stare at a ceiling. I'm angry over the smallest things.

My best friend was here for the weekend. I kept talking to my girlfriend over the phone, him and I sat in quiet silence together. Last day together he didn't want to hangout for long. He wanted to go back home, I understand that. But he really just wanted to drive back to relax and play video games; we only hung out for an hour. I wanted to talk and hangout because I felt bad for being on my phone constantly those past 2 days. Well, he just wouldn't really talk to me. He gets back to his house, a 2 hour drive or so, and posts a picture on his snapchat story with the caption "The gang is back". I don't know why that makes me so angry. What group of friends does he have that he finds it more important than me? I know that's such fucked up thinking and it isn't true but my brain jumps the gun and makes me think that I should drop his ass. He hasn't done anything. I'm just splitting.

Yesterday I was checking in with my friend on snapchat to see if her brother can pick me up since I don't have a ride. I wanted COMMUNICATION about that shit. Instead she repeatedly leaves me on read. It only takes 3 seconds to tell me whether he can or not. I cancelled my plans with her, not going to fucking deal with that. It's unreasonable anger but I'm trying my best to actually keep it together and not snap at anyone. I keep crying randomly, I hate having bpd I just keep splitting and pushing away all my friends. 

I lost a best friend, I don't even know if she's gonna talk to me again. I'm so fucking lost right now. I only have my girlfriend, I love her so much. But now I'm way too deep with BPD and it makes it hard to feel anything when anger is hijacking my brain any time I think about how my friends aren't as needy or clingy as me. I fucking hate myself.