I want to preface that even though I think I am, I’m not certain I’m depressed, in the sense that I have not been clinically diagnosed. The professional route to addressing what I feel/think seems daunting and so I’d appreciate some help with those who have a better understanding than me and more experience(though again, I’m perfectly aware that for strictly medical advice I should seek a medical professional)

What level of resignation/ acceptance have you felt/ do you feel over being depressed? 

Although logically it is obvious that it is not "ok" in the sense of being healthy, sometimes I feel overwhelmingly indifferent about everything that I don’t even care to address what is making me think in such a perverse way (in a confusing sorta meta way- can depression make you not care about depression).

Do you ever rationalise that you could live long term with depression? 

I’ve historically had good friends, but when I’m not forced to interact with people I feel completely normal just not trying to talk to anyone. At all. I recently stopped talking to my main friend group spontaneously and have thought surprisingly little about it. Even though I logically think that I would enjoy more social interaction with like minded people, I hate the thought of trying to make myself do so. 

I also feel that what I experience everyday cannot be that bad, after all, I literally go through it everyday and I’m not dramatically or rapidly falling apart. I imagine that I could live basically speaking to no one and feeling ambivalent about everything, but I suspect I’m deluding myself.

I have this conflicted sense that my feelings are both severely not as they should be, but also that it’s boring and banal. Like a very large ship sinking very slowly. Sure it should make you concerned but the experience of being on top of a slowly sinking ship doesn’t actually feel like very much in the moment.