Looking for some space to vent or advice.. apologies but thisos long, I have tried my best to make it easy to read :)

I have suspected my partner to have BPD and we have been together for almost 3 years, albeit not recently. I too display symptoms of BPD or some other cluster B disorder. She is 15 years older than me and from all accounts this is her first adult long term relationship and the first time she has lived with a partner.

3 months ago during an argument my ex said to me that she was 'going to get with this other guy anyway', I will leave his name out for anonymity. She was regularly trying to make me feel jealous and insecure by telling me during heated discussions that she would go off with someone else. I decided enough was enough and I would not let her emotionally torture me in this way anymore and immediately left the house and sent a text explaining the relationship was a joke and I was done with it. Obviously I was very upset at this repeated emotional abuse and it was my attempt at making it stop.

She never really contacted me to apologise so I never moved back in and communication eventually slowed to almost nothing. During this time of separation I decided to work on myself and 4 weeks post breakup i went to rehab. Whilst there we began speaking again, texting and chatting on the phone all day. It became obvious the relationship would resume once I left rehab. However, one day my mother called me up and said my ex had told her she was actively trying to get pregnant!!! Upset by this I questioned my ex to which she denied, simply explaining she had said she would like to get pregnant at some point but was not seeing anybody. I told my ex it was Important she be honest with me because i could not be friends with her if she had a new bf as this would be too painful, it was an all or nothing situation with me. She assured me she was being truthful. 

So I get out of rehab, stayed a couple of nights back at the house with my ex. Where there was no sexual contact but kissing and cuddling etc... During a heated discussion she admitted to me she was and still is trying to have a baby girl with this new guy. Obviously I was completely distraught. I went to see new guy who explained they had slept together three times whilst I was in rehab but were absolutely not trying to have a baby girl as far as he knows.... I also found out that one night whilst I was asleep there with her she got out of bed and left me in bed to go to his house and tell him that she loves him and wishes to have a his baby, to which he told her he only liked her as a friend. After this conversation she came and got back into bed with me and cuddled all night/morning like nothing had happened... 

She says that she loves me and only got with this guy because she wants a baby desperately before it's too late. To which I say why didn't she make amends with me and apologise for what she did wrong and try for a baby with me if she loves me like she says!!!! I am struggling to get passed the fact she has been intimate with another guy, sometimes my mind runs rampant with visualisations and questions that make me feel physically sick.. I cannot believe she has done this, I am In shock because she always told me that she has never loved anyone like she has me before and in the short 3 years we have been together we have been through so much hard times together. Living in almost poverty with no food at times and also she was sent to a psychiatric hospital 3 hours drive away for 2 months, to which I visited almost everyday with the special food she likes and fresh clothes.. She has deliberately constructively sabotaged the relationship so that I cannot continue with it any more. But she loves me?? Makes no sense. I am finding all of this incredibly painful and being fresh from rehab sober for the first time in almost a decade it is almost too much to bear. I have had many relationships and many women but we shared a special bond like nothing I have had before. And with the hard times we suffered together I  wrongly assumed we had no expiration date. 

A couple of days ago i couldn't take the thought of her having sex with guys on our bed with our bed sheets so I went round there in a fit of rage and started ripping them off the bed. We ended in a physical altercation which has happened before always started by her when drunk. Whilst on top of me she actually bit my hand and wouldn't let go, to which I had to fight back to get her off. 

These altercation in the past would happen every couple of months but since I stopped drinking alcohol with her they stopped completely. Because I was able to a diffuse the situation or just leave until things calm down. 

Even after all this I am finding the end of the relationship So painful I would probably take her back. The break up of this relationship coupled with me leaving rehab and being clean for the first time in years is just too much. I miss her too much. Which sounds pathetic and in the past I would mock men who would let women walk all over them like this, but now it has happened to me!!!! 

From a logical standpoint what she has done makes no sense, she has pushed me away when she says she loves me and now she is alone with no money and no friends and no family. I am 15 years younger than her, our mutual friends have agreed at times that I am more attractive with a good job and good prospects, from what is soon to be a wealthy family She also knew that I planned to marry her.. And for the first time in our relationship I am clean of drugs and she is clean of alcohol, it was all going to be perfect!!! She didn't have to tell me about new guy because he finished it with her, she could have kept her mouth shut and kept me if she loves me!! But she wanted to hurt me for some reason.

I have made plans to leave my hometown because I cannot face this heartbreak here. She knows this and I  called round our house yesterday to talk to her. To say goodbye really or not if she would accept what she done was wrong And apologise but she wouldn't talk to me. So today I am due to leave. 

Can anybody offer any insight into the behaviour I am in complete disbelief and sadness....