in the past few months i (19f) have been making an active attempt to try &amp; take control of my life but i feel like all i'm accomplishing is sending myself into a deeper pit... almost everybody thinks i'm on an upward trend because i've quit coping unhealthily (on the outside) but this is the worst i've felt in years; it just doesn't feel worth it to stay clean. i wish i could say otherwise

i haven't done any opiates or stimulants since 3/16/22 &amp; at first i was hopeful that once the withdrawals were over i'd start to feel refreshed but i just feel completely hollow even now that every substance is entirely out of my body. i feel like my ability to feel any emotion has been replaced with pure desolation at best. my relationship w/ my gf is suffering &amp; i want to make it work so bad but i'm just unable to invest any of my emotion in it anymore because there isn't anything to invest. theyre going through such a rough time but i haven't been able to support them at all and i feel fucking terrible,,,  i don't even get any joy from any of my hobbies anymore &amp; the only reason why i do anything is to distract myself from spiralling thoughts. i don't know what to do about anything 

i can't sleep for days on end b/c of the thoughts that come flooding in the moment i'm understimulated in the slightest (i.e. when i go to lay down) &amp; whenever i'm able to pass out it's only because my body gives out on me. even when i do sleep it's rarely for more than a few hours &amp; i just feel even worse when i wake up. i'm so fucking tired of this man. is this how it's always going to be? i can't even remember how it was like when i was sober but i feel like my brain is just permanently fucked &amp; doesn't respond to serotonin or anything anymore

i even relapsed into cutting. before i started really getting into drugs (i did a lil bit from 14 but i never got big into them until last summer) i was a self-harmer ever since i was real lil &amp; i started cutting again but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. the pain used to ground me, make me feel oddly euphoric &amp; just entirely take away the noise... but it doesn't do any of that anymore. i had like two "sesh"s &amp; i just regret it bc i just gave myself more shitty soon-to-be-scars with no real payoff lol. (to clarify i am not glorifying or encouraging self harm!!! i dont intend to &amp; i dont think it comes off that way but i wanna make sure maybe im just anxious lol)

sorry if none of this makes sense hahaaaa my brain is completely shot. i just dont know what to do anymore! suicide crosses my mind so much but as pathetic as it sounds i'll never do it because i'm genuinely just terrified of what lies beyond. nobody knows what's after life &amp; that alone is enough to deter me but i'm afraid i'll just start slipping even further &amp; eventually stop caring about even that too

i feel so damn powerless. when does it get better