My therapist and I have concluded that I do suffer from some of the main components of bpd, but my psychologist and therapist do not want to diagnose me as they think it’s unhelpful to solving the symptoms that I am suffering from, and that a diagnosis would ultimately be more harmful then beneficial. We were trying to get me into a dbt group but even before the pandemic we were having trouble. 

Another problem is that I do match some of the symptoms extremely well but don’t match others as well or consistently . It was explained to me that I need to match 7 of the 9 typical symptoms in order for a diagnosis to be given. 

There are 4 symptoms that I have recurring problems with 
- emotional detachment and disassociation
- self harm
- feeling empty at most points 
- and a history of unstable relationships

The other 3 symptoms that I do sometimes have either aren’t as major or have been problems at one point but aren’t any more. 
- fear of abandonment 
- shifting self image 
- extreme emotional swings. 

Which further complicates things because I was under the impression from my therapist that bpd was what I had, but now am not sure. 

And now I keep feeling like I’m faking symptoms in order for me to better fit the description of bpd which doesn’t make sense to me ? Like I feel like I’m making myself experience periods of dissociation and I can’t tell if I’m just pretending to dissociate or if I’m actually dissociating.

I’ve had a couple periods in my life where I was not stable ( I was very paranoid and overwhelmed with my emotions, and during those periods would engage in self harm, and odd behaviour) but now I can’t help but feel like I was just pretending to be unstable for what ever reason, like I genuinely feel like I may just be acting unstable and paranoid at times just because ? 

Which I know doesn’t make sense but I can’t stop feeling like I’m just pretending to have symptoms ? 

I thought I had a unofficial diagnosis from my therapist and psychologist, but now am unsure. 
Obviously the next time i see them I’m going to get a straight answer