I've been friendless (besides living with my boyfriend) since the beginning of last year, though I'd been shedding friends long before that. Really I'm not sure I could refer to most of them as actual friends, I suppose acquaintance fits better.

My life is predominantly online as I have difficulty meeting people irl because I never share any common interests with those around me. I'm also autistic, so irl interactions end up awkward more often than not. I tend to cut people off easily irl and online because no one is ever "good enough" or I'm never "good enough". It's just a repeating cycle of me feeling annoying and bothersome, self sabotaging and dropping out of group chats or social media circles, then trying to crawl back into society once more when the loneliness becomes too much to bear.

I've considered myself someone who was never meant to have friends, and I feel the longer I go on the more strongly I feel this way. I'm most mentally stable when I'm isolating myself from others--no interactions to misinterpret, no clinginess, no talking too much. I feel intensely lonely, but it's easier feeling lonely by yourself than lonely in a crowd. I do feel bad for my boyfriend though as he becomes the sole target of my attention and energy, which I feel can become exhausting even though he also has BPD and understands how I feel.

So, I guess all of this is a longwinded way of asking how can I just cope with not having friends? I know that learning to not hate myself is an ideal first step, but I wanted to know any other ways BPD vets handle this kind of thing, because I feel as though being friendless is the only way out for me and I'm wholly unprepared for the long term.