I met the most amazing woman 3 1/2 years ago and I know it's going to sound like a cliche but I've never met anyone with whom all the pieces fit, who so amazes me and who I adore like this woman. Sure she's gorgeous but that's just the icing on the cake. She's both brilliant and humble; self-effacing, even. We live in a world of hyperbole where everything is "epic" and "awesome" so I want to be clear that I use the word "brilliant", literally. Her mind. Holy shit.

And every month for the past 3+ years, she ends the relationship and she does so w/out warning and abruptly. Reasons have included my missing something she said in a text message "I can find someone who WANTS to hear what I have to say!"; a look she imagines on my face and what it means, and the last time, when she asked how I was that morning, I said I was feeling content and present - she told me I was fucking with her and that it was clear that I subconsciously wanted to end it.

It goes from the sweetest honeymoon to being scraped off her shoe.

I don't like to talk about it w my friends because they say I'm being abused, they call her names like 'narcissist' and other clinically misused terms and I don't like that. Not only because I adore her but because I'm not into making good guys and bad guys. She thinks I am, though. She looks right at me and says I'm feeling and acting like a victim, she accuses me of feeling and thinking things I don't feel and think and when I say it isn't true, she becomes more angry. "Oh so you're being DEFENSIVE???"

I'm out again and I think she's seeing someone else. I've taken a month off of work to recover and get my grounding back because when I say that I've lost myself, I mean that literally too. I'm learning how to come back to self-care and learning from the ground up and doing so in therapy. Shrink recommended Refuge Recovery, a Buddhist approach to addiction and yeah, I am addicted to her as well as in love with her.

Breaks my fucking heart that she and I can't be together. I don't want to be with anyone else. And yeah I do love her and if some other man or men is where her happiness lies, I want her to be happy. She deserves happiness. I just want(ed) it to be with me. She says I'm perfect and then she never wants to hear from me again.

I'm telling you this because ---- I'm not sure how to finish that sentence. I feel like this may be a place where people won't talk shit about her or attack me and tell me about plenty of fish in the sea, blah, blah, blah.

Thanks for reading.