I feel so pathetic turning to Reddit for something like this, but I feel so alone right now. My intrusive thoughts and anxiety are sending me into a depressive episode and it's just getting worse and worse by the day. My boyfriend is who I usually turn to in moments like this but I feel so incredibly guilty even opening up about my emotions anymore. The rational part of me knows he wants to help and wants me to open up, but he was so happy while we were talking tonight I just couldn't bare to ruin it. I feel like I always ruin everything with my breakdowns and I'm starting to believe that hiding it is the best option, even if I suffer, at least everyone else around me is happy. I'm having to go to therapy less and less due to financial issues and I'm considering not scheduling another session at all after my next one. The two other people I feel comfortable opening up to have grown so distant from me and one of them has even started attributing to my anxiety. This is driving me fucking insane, I'm so disgusted with myself, I carry guilt for things that aren't even in my control. I'm so exhausted and so caught up in ruminating that I don't even want to try and feel better. Part of me feels like I deserve this, and I feel so selfish for wanting help. I have no words left but I still feel so much pent up emotion that I wouldn't even know where to begin. At this point, I have no desire to improve for myself, all of my motivation comes from making others in my life happy. I feel like such a piece of shit, I wish I had the self restraint to just isolate myself from everyone I care about, I feel like that's the best way to make them all happy. I'm already having second thoughts about posting this but I guess I have nothing to lose on here, even if I do end up deleting it in the morning.