I can’t stop worrying. So many countless things to worry about. My relationship with my girlfriend is horrible, I can’t stop accusing her of not being attracted to me and cheating on me among so many other things. My sleep is terrible, I can’t stop worrying about what my body is going to look like when I die. How my chest isn’t going to rise, or how I’m not going to feel anything or be able to think again when the time comes. My days are bad because I can’t go 20 minutes without seeing what I look like to decide if it’s okay or not. I can’t eat right in fear of not remaining thin. I just feel so all over the place. I try to make healthy adjustments to my life, my plans, my behavior, and the way I think, only for it to come back to this. Anxiety riddled, unmotivated, self-hatred, starting arguments and then apologizing profusely only to start more. I can’t stop thinking I’m going to die soon and be left behind by everybody. I’m worried somebody is going to joke about my death as a coping mechanism. I’m worried I’m not liked by the people I think like me. I’m worried people have secret thoughts about me and it makes me more sad because I know they do. 

And to be honest, I’m not sure if anyone reading this will relate to it. Obviously I haven’t written out my behaviors and all of my thoughts, but sometimes I feel like I have BPD. My mom, her mom, and even her mom have all been diagnosed with BPD. I only figured this out after going through this subreddit and relating to so many things said. 

I’m sorry none of this is structured the way it should be, it doesn’t seem critically thought out, and I know my word choice and sentence structure could better. But I just can’t right now.