I did something terrible last year and I've just recently finished my trial (yes, at court) and it was the thoughest crap I've ever been through. I completely destroyed so many pples lives and I feel so darn terrible. 

Just to clarify it, I was severely mentally ill, suspected psychosis, and I was definetely not myself, ik it's not an exuse and I refuse to use it as one bc what I did was far from ok and it will never be ok either. Just wanted to let you know so you won't think I'm a psychopath or something since I was tagged as one by my first doctor. 

I'm in custody at a psych ward rn, fortunately I got a new doctor for about two months ago, and she is absolutely amazing. The nurses are nice too. Well most of them, ofcourse there are the few who was blinded by what I did and yelled at me... but that's a whole other story.

I thraumatized so many friking people. Including an 8 year old boy who can no longer sleep at night without having nightmares. 

I keep getting intense flash-backs from everything that happened back then and I feel so darn guilty I can hardly bring myself to eat. I feel sick just thinking about it. I just want to kms. I can barely cope. I'm a friking monster. 

I'm most likely being sentenced to hospilization so atleast I'll get help, although I feel like I don't deserve it. I can't help but feel that I should've been dead. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. 

I'm a monster, I hate who I used to be, I hate everything!