The only thing I truly enjoy is taking advantage of people (I get a dopamine rush, like a drug). If I can't I cope with self deprecation, thoughts of self harm and self sabotage. 

How can I get over feelings of toxic shame when I get off to hurting people, especially psychologically/emotionally? I know it's wrong, but the alternative is to feel the pain myself...   


Make someone cry, I smile in their face. I used to think this was caused by neurodivergence, but after some recent emotional work (elimination of usual supply, drugs), all that I can enjoy is hurting people and coming out on top. Trying to maintain an equitable relationship requires me to subsume myself and become something I have no interest in being. I have no idea how a healthy relationship is supposed to work, every example I see, I see some element of toxicity that neither has the wherewithal to control or hide. I literally cannot present myself as toxic or flawed, I've never been able to do it -- always my meek, customer service persona. 

I am 99th percentile intelligence with the emotional range of a 12 year old. 

If  I have to choose, I'd rather just not have to (if you know what I mean).