This is just me venting about what happen a few hours ago from a nightmare I had. I had a dream where I didn't struggle anymore, I was in a relationship, and helping others wasn't difficult anymore. This dream caused me to wake up with an anxiety attack because I couldn't except it to be reality. Most dreams now where I feel happy or good is instantly recognized as a dream and soon after woken up in a minor or major panic attack.

I had been working hard to get my life in order and many things in the past few years have interrupted my attempts but I blew right past them with a mindset of being a machine. I was expected to do more work so I started sleeping 4 hours a day. I was expected to stop everything  on the spot for my job and started paying others to do tasks I couldn't do outside of work. The aid I got was too costly so I started planning and automating daily tasks. I felt like I was turning into an emotionless machine and I was comfortable and clear minded.

The past few months I had received complements and affection I was not comfortable receiving. I was too used to being used as a tool and a source of financial aid that I forgot what it meant to have someone help me, what it meant to be appreciated, what it meant to have someone care about me. When ever I receive or feel these things I feel scared or angry at myself. I don't know how to except these feelings anymore, I don't want them, I don't want to be happy or scared, I just want to be productive.

I'm not looking for help, my goal is to vent about my troubles rather than bottle them up. I'm not in a good place in life right now, but I know plenty of people who are far off worse so I'm not complaining.