Yea. I have always been a happy kid. I am usually smiling, cracking jokes, or just genuinely being there for people. In all reality. I am insanely worried that if I stop being happy all the damn time someone will take notice and ask what is going on. I worry that if I share too much I will be seen as negative or pessimistic. So I just default to happy and if I slip I just say I didn't sleep well. I don't want anyone to see me as anything other than happy. If people knew how anxious/depressed I usually am I worry that they won't want to be around me anymore. When I was down really bad due to fucked up meds I got a call from my mom asking "Where did my happy kid go?". If I am not happy people start getting disappointed that I am "not myself". I had three different extracurricular engagements today and I just messaged the president of one saying that I wouldn't be able to be there for most of the event or all of it. I feel like shit. Like I always respect when someone else has to put their mental health first but for some reason when I do I guilt myself about it. I don't give myself any grace at all. I can't figure out how to give myself grace. Me sending that message was proving that I am not the happy kid and I fucking hate it.