Let me preface this by saying that I am not ok. I am mentally unwell, my therapist (who I see every monday) is fully aware of my situation. I am on meds, but I've just started on meds and we are still trying to figure things out. I'm also physically unwell, migraines have become rapidly uncontrollable and debilitating in the last year, I'm on a small child's shoebox of meds I take each day to control them (not including the shots) and it's not working. The meds are slowing attacking other organs and we are unsure and kinda don't care about the extent of the damage right now, just trying to gain control of the migraines, which we (my neurologist and I) still have no idea why they are happening. I also should disclose I have Bipolar 2, Anxiety, Depression, BPD, OCD, and PTSD. I'm in my thirties, with three children, taking care of my medically disabled husband. I don't work and wouldn't be able to, since I need to care for him. We have tried to get him a nurse, but that isn't something he is comfortable with, he prefers me, because of his own issues that I won't list here. My own health is slowly deteriorating, so I'm trying to get a second opinion. 

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My main issue is feeling/finding fulfillment in life. I'm always depressed enough to want to take my life, or at least apathetic enough to feel like I don't care to be on this planet anymore. (Obligatory statement: I'm safe, I'm with safe people, in a safe location, with no access to sharp or bang-bangy objects) I've tried every hobby that I could afford, I've travelled a little within the US while I was younger, I've drank, I've slept around, I've stolen, I've settled down, now I'm sick and nothing has ever fit. I just have always felt empty. I'm basically the jack of all trades, but the master of none. I can crochet a little, paint a little, sing you a diddy, sculpt you a figurine for your desk, whatever you need me to do, except make myself content. I just want to feel alive without the wind in my hair and the car going 90 miles an hour down a country road. I keep trying to live out any other life I can in any video game I can afford in the spare moments I can muster in the day when I'm not taking care of my family or the house or shut down by a migraine, but I don't even want that anymore. Hell, I even did belly-dancing lessons for a while until I ran out of money. I just wish death would come and slip his cool hand into my brain and stop these lightning bolts for once and all. I want to feel my hands again and taste drinks and be hungry like everyone else. I'm so tired. I actually wish I was dying and not just suffering alive, this is madness. 

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I kinda venting and begging for help. What do you do when you tried everything else? My therapist is just trying to keep me stable while I cope with the pain. I paid for a creative writing class as a last ditch effort since I've always wanted to write a book, but after this, there's nothing left. What then? I can't drink myself into a stupor, my meds won't work then. I feel so hopeless. I've been depressed for over 20 years and I just can't anymore. Between it and the migraines, I'm losing the battle. My therapist knows and he's saddened by this news. I'll even show him this post Monday when I see him, so no one gets their feathers ruffled. I just need some help.