I've only realised how much it has been affecting me these past few days. For the 1st time in over 8 years I dont have a main person. Some of you call it a favorite person. My life revolves around 1 person usually. Used to be my childhood friend, then a classmate, then mostly online friends and in the past couple of years people I can meet in person. I've noticed that without realising I adapt my personality, the way I act etc in order to be liked by that 1 person. Everyone has formed me into who I am today. I don't know who I am except from the fact that I like animals a lot and that I don't like seeing people hurting. I had a potential person in mind for that "place"or whatever but they can't handle that right now and that's okay, I don't blame them. My well being/mood depends on how that person feels, how they treat me etc. So it could be really overwhelming to make someone take that responsibility. I feel alone. I don't know why I have to depend on one person. I guess it's the all or nothing mentality. I can't like, have a few friends and hang out with them equally. I don't know. I don't even understand (it) myself. I get so ridiculously attached to people if they show me some kindness. But after some time I either start to not want to hang out with them anymore or they get tired of how toxic I am and leave. I also tend to go towards people who suffer emotionally so I can be there for them and feel useful. So I understand if they want some space but that doesn't mean I won't hate myself for it. Because, I feel like I'm just never enough for someone. A lot of people have been really special to me but I have never been someone's "main" person. I'd like to clarify that I'd never want a romantic relationship with such a person. That would be way too complicated and difficult for me to handle. I don't know how to simply be by myself. So many people have left me and I'm so scared of that happening again. As I've mentioned I recently met someone who could take that place in my life, but they said that they're not ready for that. They also have bpd and recently got out of a relationship so they need their space and that's completely understandable. I just got dissapointed I guess cause I like them. I've been feeling better in general..But these past few weeks my mood swings have been so dramatic and intense. Mostly towards the "negative" side of emotions. At one point that place in my life was taken by a dog. And I was really happy. So happy I hadn't been in many many years. Well that dog left and since that I've been kind of feeling worse and worse every day. I'm either numb or feel extremely awful. I think it's okay? Cause hopefully I'll die soon. I don't know. I'm just tired and I dont want to feel anymore. Or be alive. I really hate myself. Everything about me.