In the beginning of seeing my psychologist she suggested at the start that it might not be beneficial to discuss my diagnosis exactly. That it might be more helpful for my mind not to put myself into a specific box. I also told her I was vehemently against mood altering drugs. It just scares me to consider so this maybe could've contributed to her giving that advice. I have dramatic overreactions to sleeping medications so I just try to avoid medicine besides smoking weed. 

Anyways, I agreed. She of course said I am able to request my diagnosis and all of her notes anytime I wish. I've been with her over a year now, never made that request and have made vast improvements in conquering my mood swings but I can never seem to completely calm them down. Or my anxiety. I'm trying hard just to stop drinking alcohol which I think is probably the true source to my mood swings. but I've been sobering up lately and I still am feeling these ways. I just have more awareness and can worry even faster with more clarity. 

My sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder last month but she used one of those online psychiatry things and they really just gave her an assessment. Told her she was bipolar then gave her a prescription. So I'm wildly hesitant to trust even her diagnosis fully but it's made me wonder. because i've just always wondered a little in the back of my mind if maybe? 

I guess what im getting at is does it seem like i'm just overthinking this and caved into google? and if maybe not, does bipolar medication truly help any of you who are diagnosed? I'm considering asking my therapist if this is something she has recognized in me. I'm beginning to feel hopelessly desperate to feel normal and not have to drown out my anxiety with alcohol or weed every night. i also don't want to be a zombie. i desperately miss the feeling of the accomplishments I made before back to back suicides in my family melted my mind to mush. I just cannot find a way to feel happy no matter how desperately I try and now my wife wants to have children and make my dream of having a family come true. I just want to be better for her so fucking bad. I don't want to be what I am right now. There's a better man inside me and I just can't get to him and If something like this could make me normal I could be the husband she needs.