i tried so hard to get myself to split because i just couldn’t let go of my controllingly abusive narcissistic cheating manipulative ex. my brain would completely chose to ignore everything in favor for the few good traits he had which i thought i would never find in anyone else

he texted me saying he wants to be friends again, and he has a girlfriend. he asked me for advice because he kept calling her by different names 😟🚩 i of course gave him some since i felt bad and was shortly thanked then left on read so he could go back to hanging out with her 

said he kind of wants to fly out and visit me since we’ve been friends for so long, and that it [us] was just right place and wrong time, liking posts alluding to how he misses me and hates starting over

thinking about how he’s with her right now and holding her just completely made me do a 180° in terms of how i feel about him. right now i genuinely think he’s the most repulsive subhuman and when i think about him, i don’t see an angel, i just see all the flaws i never bothered to acknowledge in full. i cant believe i really looked at him and thought this was the best i would ever get. i thought he was genuinely the most attractive person to ever exist but seeing him now just makes me realize that his behavior makes him repulsive to me, and no amount of looks would ever save that. i don’t know how to describe it but i’m not just seeing his appearance at surface-level anymore, i see it as the amalgamation of all his horrifically toxic traits that bleed into how he looks. whenever i’m looking at a person if they’re behavior is ugly it automatically makes them ugly too

it’s only been 3 months since he ended things, i couldn’t even look at or think about anyone else. but i understand why he moved on so quickly, because he was never mine in the first place and just loves to be surrounded by as many women as possible to make himself feel better, powerful, and worthy

it wasn’t the not letting me wearing anything remotely revealing, be friends with men, or post myself. the constant stalking and making me take him everywhere with me. accusations of cheating (projecting his own actions onto me) or how he SA a girl before we started dating. or the animal abuse. i hate this disorder and how it makes me overlook all of these things just because me thinking i’ve done some bad things too gives me no room to judge him

i’m going to cut off all contact with him and try to find his gf so i can let her know because i’m positive she doesn’t. i feel so bad for her since at a point in time, i was her. she deserves to know if her bf is friends with someone he knows still had feelings for him (thank god they’re gone) 

it made me realize that what he’s doing to her he’s most definitely done to me before. and that’s not someone i’m going to let into my life, who uses me for my kindness and advice