its been like this for years and i thought at some point i would come up with something else. i’m young and unfortunately have already lost a few friends to suicide/overdoses. this is literally the only reason i keep myself alive. i have felt truly alone for so long, BPD brain has driven everyone away from me and the only meaningful relationships i really have are with other mentally ill people and tend to be abusive or at the very least unhealthy, understandable, if i was not insane i wouldn’t want to go near someone like me with a 10 foot pole. every day isn’t miserable but i certainly don’t enjoy them, i don’t see my life going anywhere meaningful, all i do is scrape by and pay bills. when i think about killing myself all i think is how it would ruin my moms life, how my roommate (who’s little brother was one of the friends i mentioned we lost) would have to find me, and my roommates would have to find someone else to move in and finish the lease. my mom is a narcissist and she knows how much her attitudes towards me affect me, she just doesn’t care. i’ve been in therapy for years tried out different meds and whatever you’re supposed to do. i’m just so tired of this and i wish i could find a reason to live for myself, because i’m slowly realizing these other reasons are temporary