I made this on a throwaway account for obvious reasons even though I'm sure the tech savvy could find me I had to try.

I don't really know what to say to be honest. I am craving connection. Why did I put this post here? Simple. I've suffered from whatever the most major form of depression it is short of ending your own life there possibly is for almost the last 20 years. It has cost me my education, my career opportunities, an amazing fiance, and nothing short of my entire life.

I don't care how deep into this hole you go unless you are down as deep as me you can't understand and if you do I hope the best for you because the further you go the worse it gets.

A little on me. I grew up the oldest of 2 and was regarded as being intellectually superior to most around my age. I loved sports and played a lot of soccer and basketball as a kid nearly to the point of obsession but honestly never exceld.

I decided I wanted to focus on myself. This was simply a lie I told myself to cover the fact that I was too much of a coward because of my size to ever challenge anything in the world. I was never pushed to stand up to my bullies (although I snapped one time and people left me alone and I thought that was my break of confidence, nope just another illusion) or challenged to better myself because i was smart enough to pass the tests and fell between the cracks. This along with the massive disappointment and hatred my family recieved at the hands of religion lead me to decide at the age of 12-16 to never have children. Simply because how could I bring another life into this world I believe is broken? So a few years later I started trying to court hoping to find one of a like mind. This served me no good. Time after time, nights and nights of no responses, shallow people, and broken hope (this actually gets much worse but i dont want to talk about it) But yet I treaded onward. My goal must be in the distance you just haven't hiked far enough yet...

I tried jobs where I worked as hard as I could to ensure quality products and services were provided to every single person I saw, I went to epic concerts, I made friends I thought would NEVER leave me, I've made memories and friends ill never forget and scars that will haunt me forver, I've been the most popular dude on the block and the guy that only talks to his bros, I've yelled, screamed, cried, cursed every God I could think of and the exact opposite of that (literally no answers geez who would've thought?) I've fallen truly in love once and destroyed that due to a little on her side but mainly my self hate and coping. She still tells me I'm broken please get help.

I have no hobbies other than video games. I can't cook, clean properly (to my standards), I'm weak, weight maybe 120 pounds as a male, I have no real friends anymore, no girlfriend or even really people that talk to me, I'm poor, working just to pay bills and be debt free, I live with my parents who are a wreck with no hope in sight. I literally spend 4 days a week absolutely alone and don't physically talk to another human being until I go back to work. It's miserable. I literally feel like an indentured servant except at least those people had a community and significant others.

I don't know if anyone feels the same as me or if this
 post will get deleted honestly I don't care what happens to this I just wanted to type it as a record of all the things no one has ever cared to hear from me.