Hello Humans

I am a Male with quiet BPD

I just got out of a 3 year relationship the first 2 years went off rather well besides need constant validation of her love but the last year became rather rocky I hit a depression spout and me and my so/fp started getting distant 2 months before our break up she initiated a "break" for us to start working on ourselves I actually handled this rather well and we both agreed to to not see anyone or talk to anybody during this time. We lived together so I took the basement she took the downstairs and we acted like friends. It worked for a bit but then the insecurity started acting up. 

I started noticing her behavior changing drastically and she started being much more cold she had always been extremely honest and kind somthing I held very dear to our relationship as my ex before her was not which to put bluntly fucked me up and I opened up to her about that and she knew. I started snooping and things were not adding up like how she said she'd be at a particular friend's but on her snap map was somewhere completely else among other things. I confronted her and she acused me of being crazy and being insecure.

This led me to getting some therapy and really opening up to a psychologist about my past and feelings and getting diagnosed with BPD the behaviors with my girlfriend continued and it started to put me on the deep end I started getting obsessed with a thought pattern of she is seeing someone else to I am being crazy she is not the type of girl to do this she knows what happned to me she would never. After a month of this she decided to move out so we could have space so we could have more alone time and we would be putting more effort into seeing each other I thought that made sense.  After that she got more distant with the texting and I started texting more and more I was going fucking crazy to put it simply. 


I visited her one night at her new place and brought her a coffee and some house warming gifts and she asked me a really random question of "was I akward when we first started daiting?" I said what no? She said okay I then asked why have you been on dates she said of course not I then said you can tell me if this break has been to test the water with new men I just want to know because my ex did pretty much the same thing and she went off on me for comparing her to my ex and told me to leave


So I figure for my own sanity we should break up so I break up with her but then my brain is like bruh wtf did you just do so then I start trying to win her back dumb move so for a week I feel like shit I start feeling really bad because she told me I ruined her mental health for the last 2 months and just so much stuff.

I get suicidal and make an attempt really dumb it wasent just about her I had no job my grades in college we all fails my house was disgusting everything was just shit 


I survive my attempt end up in the psych ward we talk she says we can still make this relationship work but I really need to get some help I agree  

2 days later she's in a new relationship I feel like fucking trash but here is the kicker all my crazy snooping all my insecure shit I did after talking with a friend who knows this dude correlates with 100% that she was seeing this dude for the whole 2 months that this shit was going on

The psych ward really helped me understand my diagnosis and got me on some meds that help me tremendously I just got a really good job and have a good social network of friends

But relationships I lose my self everytime

My ex before this same thing happned she started seeing another dude and the warning signs fired off and I ignored them and it fucked me up and it happned again


I am absolutely terrified of another relationship and obviously I'm not going to get into one for a long time I'm still imaging my ex happy with this dude getting fucked by him and it sucks

But I wana know BPD people of reddit

How do grow attached to people over the course of years but are able to walk away when they start degrading you as a person.  A part of me knew what was happening but I couldint imagine walking away for a second 

Thank you for reading

From one struggling and learning
Much love