I love my friends and family a lot for being supportive about my depression and anxiety but I know a standard response for episodes like this is to remind the person that they are loved and that they aren’t alone.

It... doesn’t work on me anymore. During episodes I find myself not caring if I have emotional ties to people that will hurt them if I kill myself. I’ve developed this way of thinking that if me killing myself has any collateral damage on the people I knew it wouldn’t matter because I’ll forget them as soon as the lights go out and the guilt for what I’ve done won’t settle in. 

I’ve meditated on the idea of killing myself for so long that the instant relief and happiness of dying outweighs the love and concern people have for me. I don’t know how to bring this up with them without sounding like “Thanks for caring, however, I do not really care about you caring” because it sounds so sick and problematic.

TLDR, I no longer feel comforted when people use their love for me and their presence as a band-aid solution for my episodes. 

I was hoping to get some advice if I should curve this way of thinking (and how) or if there are alternative ways to comfort me that I can tell my friends and family to use instead.