So I kinda diagnosed myself with bpd a month ago and I'm struggling to go seeing a doctor. I'm scared that I might not be taken serious or that I might be judged by the doctor. I know this is nonsense, but I can’t turn it off.

I'm in a rather toxic relationship rn with me being the toxic person. I love my boyfriend reaaaally much, and from what he says, he feels the same for me.
The problem and the reason he calls me toxic is that I often hurt him physically. We had several arguments because of that and I'm trying really hard to be a better person for him, but…it's just impossible. I don’t know, it just happens all the time from an unknown impulse and we always end in an argument. 
A while ago I said something to him I will NEVER forgive myself. I came home from work, I was really tired. He was nice and sweet as always said he loves me and made some silly joke, idk. That silly joke was some trigger for me, no clue where it came from and I said that I want him to die. I actually wanted to give some sarcastic answer to his joke, but instead I said those terrible words I will never forgive myself. The whole situation almost ended in a breakup, but…I don’t know how I got him back…tbh I was crying the whole evening and was begging him to not leave me. 
I know, he deserves Someone much better than me, but I love him so much. I feel like he's the only person in my life who ever understood me and who truly loves me for who I am.

He doesn’t know that I’m probably suffering from bpd and I really want to tell him, but I’m scared that he won’t take me serious or that he will say its a silly excuse for the things I have done. 

I know that I will need his strength to go see a doctor, but I’m really scared that he might judge me for some reason.

Does anyone know how I can tell him how I feel?


Also, I'm sorry for my english, not my native language ^^