The title about sums it up. Sometimes I feel like cutting myself will distract my brain, and give me something else to focus on. I used to do that. It’s like, these days, my brain has NOTHING else to do but hyper focus on myself. I have no one “significant” in my life I’m constantly thinking or worrying about, I’m not working so I’m not thinking or worrying about that, I’m not going to the gym everyday like I used to, so I’m not in a constant “pain” or soreness, cause my anxiety is so bad I can barely walk in a gas station without having an anxiety attack, like, I’m worried about trivial things, like my money running out and bills I have to pay and shit like that, but even then I have like no motivation to do anything about it. Shouldn’t it be a good thing that I don’t have a ton of “triggers”? But it’s like my brain now has nothing better to worry about or think about as I just watch the days fly by. So I just worry to worry to fill a void. 

This time last year, I had two girls in my life that were always on my mind, for better or for worse, at separate times I could talk to both of them about anything, they were always there for me. Eventually one left. Then the other. Then one came back, and she left again. I still love her so deeply, but she’s so far gone from me, it’s like she may as well be dead, which is so depressing and heartbreaking. I had coworkers, a few that were like my in house therapists, we talked about all sorts of shit, and that’s been gone for quite a while now too. My regular therapist, I stopped seeing after I quit my job since I no longer had health insurance, and still don’t. 

I just feel exponentially alone comparatively. I had a dream about my ex (one of the girls previously mentioned) today, and I woke up from that and just ugly cried so much, I thought I was going to pass out cause I hold my breaths for so long when I’m crying that hard. One of my friends that said he’d hit me up today about working on his car, didn’t. I fell asleep and woke up to a message from him saying sorry about that and whatever. Oh, and during that nap I had ANOTHER dream about said girl. Some times this shit is just ridiculous. I’m so tired of having the brain that I have.