this might only make sense to me,, i took an edible earlier and i’m getting more baked by the minute but i really need to get this out and reflect on it a bit more☹️ 

i dont want to take on other peoples shit anymore. in the past i did it for survival, i was cut off from my own light and used as narcissistic supply OR for emotional fulfillment,, so i conditioned myself to think that by taking on other peoples pain/discomfort/bullshit (something that used to be forced onto me) and giving them back what they asked for or what i thought they needed,, that i was helping them. that’s... kind of bullshit. it was a behavioral pattern that i developed for survival when i was in a very uncertain and mentally/emotionally/spiritually unsafe place, but now these habits only serve to keep me trapped in the same negative loop. i crash and burn over and over again. 

but heres how i KNOW its bullshit, and that it’s actually harmful to others as much as it’s harmful to me. do you know what i did to get from rock bottom to the point i’m at now? literally the ONE thing i changed to get to a place where genuine self love is a possibility? i started to explore what it’s like to own and allow space for my own stuff. good and bad and painful and pleasant. the reason (i believe) relationships are so chaotic for people who cope like me, is because we give people entire pieces of us (i wanna reference attachment theory here bc reading abt this helped me come to this thought, but i am 2 stoned) and then we try to carry around all of the shit that people give us. or we can even fall into the trap of expecting them to give us as much as we feel we give them (splitting in a nutshell?) you think you need this person to fill this super complex and supercharged need for you but really you’re just looking for the piece of yourself that you projected onto them. in the frantic scramble to avoid abandonment, you abandoned yourself piece by piece. 

as far as i can tell, reclaiming your projections is how you become “whole” again. it’s not beneficial for anyone involved to entertain codependency. 

i hope this doesn’t sound too negative, this is an observation about my own experience and the way i perceive things... and the way i respond to my own perception. my mind seems to be stuck in something that happened a very long time ago, and my “personality” seems to have developed around maintaining that loop. upholding old harmful narratives and allowing people to treat me very very poorly.