I’ve always been a jealous and insecure person when in a relationship but when I started with my SO (and FP) I got this terrible trust issues since day 0. I have been thinking a lot about it and I don’t think I ever trusted him fully. I always thought he was doing something behind my back so I always asked a lot and accused him if stuff. I’d ask him about everyone, if he liked someone or had feelings etc. I started stalking him on social media to see who was he following etc. I’d get mad if he went out with his friends or if he was or had talked to a girl.

He has adhd and struggles with communication so he started telling me small lies to not upset me. Not only about girls but about life in general to avoid confrontation. This obviously didn’t help my trust issues because he’d always confess. 

It got so bad that after a mistake he made I gained control of his phone so I checked every app, every photo and every conversation. I know he never did anything wrong. (Writing this makes me realise I was really out of control of my mental health)

I am slowly giving away this control and trying to trust way more than I used to. I have stopped asking questions about his past or double checking things I knew already. I have almost stopped overthinking about the past. 

But now my problem is that I take everything very personal. If he plays with his friends is because he doesn’t want to spend time with me, if he’s sad or down is because of me, if he masturbates is because he doesn’t want me anymore and prefers that etc. I always feel he’s doing stuff knowing it will hurt me so when I think he was doing something that upsets me (lately is masturbation, I am obsessed with the topic, I think he’s doing it all the time even if I have no proof) I get super upset, silent and I can’t even be near him. He realises and gets worried and I just feel hate inside.

I am aware he “hides” things from me because of my past attitude and because I take everything like an attack and I accept all the blame. He’s also working on it.

I didn’t know I had BPD until a couple weeks ago so now I wonder if this attitude is because of it and if anyone has any advice for me.