I've been thinking about this alot and Ive come to the conclusion that I think Im only acting certain "normal" ways bc it is expected of me, not bc I want to. I have always been attracted to people who are mentally ill, I find them fascinating. I too have anxiety and depressive tendecnies but nothing extreme, as far as I know. What is appealing to me about the way in which the mentally ill are treated in society is that although they are outcasted by normal society they find another one, one more honest in a way. Normal every day society is so polite, so worried but if you are severely mentally ill its like to normal people that you have the plague, I see how people avoid them, I hear what people say, never meaning to make eye contact or say hello. They are like ghosts, they can have a conversation with a lamp post for hours and everyone will walk by bc no one wants to disturb them or risk violence or really dosent have time to give a fuck. By forcing myself to fit into this "normal" society and with these "normal" people it feels like more work than I really care about. Every day people don't interest me and for the most part they don't understand me. Some do, some like a few childhood friends, family, a few other close friends...Im talking more the people out there, te people on the streets, the people I dont know and might never know...why do I keep up appearances? Why do I even care? If I want to talk out loud why the fuck not? If I want to wear a stripped dress with polka dot pants and a cape well fuck it! If I want to dance on the side walk and sing who cares? I mean as long as Im not disturbing the peace or breaking any rules who cares? I want to live more free, more uninhibited by what society thinks is okay. Eventually I plan to move somewhere more open to eccentricity of all kinds, until then its my job to live as free as I can. Also I want to make clear that Im not romanticizing mental illness, these people obviously have hard lives and serious shit but Im looking at it from a different perspective, one of interest.