I'm utterly in control and stopped myself from feeling crazy when I wanted. But I was sobbing how my dad dying feels like being abandoned. And I started bleeding. Nose gushing blood. But I just started cackling in between crying and then covered myself and my bed in it. Blood down my wrists and covering my cheeks and hands, using it as fingerpaint. And I sorta wanna hit myself and make myself bleed more just to keep going insane. I'm calm and totally fine but I kinda just want to keep choosing to go down the insanity path, not fully understanding how bad that is. The fact I don't in my heart get how bad doing this is is more concerning than the fact I did it.