I don’t know what’s been going on in my head lately. This past semester I found friends I really love and who love me. They want what’s best for me and I know they think I’m a person that’s worth something and will still be worth something when I’m older. I feel that way too sometimes. They make me happy. I’ve been happy. I started medication so I could finally get out of bed and have conversations and to just be a fucking person. And I feel good and so grateful. I feel like I’m staring to finally set into myself. 

But I also haven’t been able to shake this feeling for the past couple of months that I just want to fucking explode. I want to go off the deep end and just throw everything I have away. I want to hurt the people I love so that one day they will throw me away too. It’s like everyday I do something good for myself is just me putting off the inevitable crash and burn. I just don’t want to give a fuck anymore and I don’t know why when everything has been going so well. 

And I guess another piece of me wants to feel the gravel that surrounds my childhood home beneath my bare feet. Or to run so far and hard that my whole body is red and I’m gasping for air. Or to swim in the ocean and feel the salt burn my skin while waves tumble over and over me as I try to keep my head above water. 

I don’t know. Sorry for the dump. But does anyone else feel this way?