19M


It just seems like im a glitch. My way of thinking is very under developed I feel like. There's little I like about myself. I'm 5'6, slim and sound/look much younger than a 19 year old. Im super emotional, super sentimental about everything.  

I cannot enjoy my time alone, without imagining someone is there with me. It's been this way for years. I legit fantasize about the presence of someone being with me, all the time.

Example: when im watching a movie, I think someone's there with me. And every thought I have, has to have a response by that person. So even in my own head, I worry about judgments and people disliking me. 

The people I imagine with me are friends of mine in real life that i adore. Or anyone I seem to like from social media. Crushes.. you get it. 

I also have this never ending desire to be liked by everyone and be so perfect. I'm far from perfect to say the least. Most of the time I dont like myself because I compare myself to every individual I see. Especially other 19 year olds who are way more successful, rich, independent, loved... I'm from an Arab household, and in our culture, moving out is so uncommon and only happens when a person is married or has children. Even then, some families stick together like a cult. Because of this, I always worry about how hated I would be if i was in America because of their culture and the fact I'm living with my parents. (I worry so much about how people perceive me even from different cultures). 

 I never had a boyfriend and prolly never will because of religious reasons. Family is super homophobic and coming out isn't an option unless I want be killed. Never been touched (except for the sexual assault). 

I cannot give myself a title if someone does it better. For example, I love to draw, but i know much better artists, so who am i to say im an artist. 

Every move I take, I think about what everyone is thinking about me simultanously. 

I'm not suicidal as I used to be. But i pray every night to be dead. It's so hard hating yourself. Such a dark and quite place. 

Therapy is also very hard to get because it's taboo here.