i spent a month in rehab/narcotics anonymous and a week in a psych ward when i was kicked out of the navy for drug use nearly a decade ago. don’t feel sorry for me; i felt so much that such an experience began this lifelong journey in how to deal with being me.

before that i wondered why i wanted to die all of the time (i still do lol). the difference between me and then is what i’ve learned about human behavior. 

most people begin learning of psychology in general ed of college but drug rehab was my introduction to behavioral health. i practiced what i learned for the next decade of getting fired from nearly every job, almost failing every course in studying for a bachelors in psych (i still graduated :D), hoarding shit because of the unending search for something to make you feel talented and of worth, and wondering the point of trying. 

i wanted to die but i was too scared. i know i’m worthless so why do i feel bad about leaving my loved ones behind to lessen the burden? why can’t i pull the trigger and catch the bus? 

such beliefs weren’t temporary either. these are lifelong. does this mean i’m going to feel like this forever?

i learned that i am. i am always going to feel suicidal and believe i’m worthless. but it’s either die or figure out what to do.

i kept taking meds after discovering that i’m bipolar, consistently met weekly with my psychologist, exercised as much as i could, and would reach out when i felt like i could contribute more to a conversation than my sadness. these are the scientifically proven ways to reduce symptoms of depression. if i tried these, that was good enough.

i lost my job this week. my former boss straight up said, ‘i don’t believe you’re fit for research.’ i’ve been in retail, hospitality, education, and data. i seem to fail so often. this feeling is familiar to what i felt that day i received my separation papers and left the ship.

‘am i ever going to be enough?’

but im not as sad as i should be. i’m not suicidal right now? in fact, i have hope.

because i see every day in /depression that so many people feel how i feel. why does it feel like others around me don’t understand? could it be that we don’t talk about it enough? what if others were hiding like me?

im not fixed because ill probably never be okay. but i have a dream. what if there was a day that we could tell anyone, ‘i am depressed’ and they dont judge? what if there was a way that everyone could have a mental health professional to share their thoughts and feelings? what if there could be a culture of healing?

being a fan of evolutionary psychology, i’ve found some scientists theorize that depression may have saved some of our ancestors from danger. how else would they have passed on their genes? they stayed alive long enough to fuck. not only that, but some individuals used such depression to literally change the world (abe lincoln, anne frank, bojack horseman come to my uncultured mind). 

not only do i have hope of someday having sex again, but what if i could make a difference? what if it’s a blessing i don’t fit with the rest of society? what if all this hurt was worth it one day?

that’s the difference between me and then. not only do i wish i could share this in every /depression post, but i hope you know that maybe there’s a reason we feel. maybe we have the capacity to heal others. after all, nobody knows how we feel but us.

please allow yourself to feel. 

forgive yourself. 

hope and dream big, but don’t mind society’s and self-pressure. 

compare yourself ONLY to your past self. 

society is illogical because creativity and  emotions are YOUR STRENGTH. 

can’t commit suicide? then take small steps to figure out why not only life, but YOU are worth living for. 

and finally, even if i don’t believe in myself I BELIEVE IN YOU. i know you feel the same toward me.

&lt;3