I might have faulty or paranoid perceptions and then behave in an emotionally charged way fora short time but my ex (there’s kids between us) consistently speaks to me with abusive language and I’m just now realizing this. I think I might have been the volatile one in the relationship to some extent but I know I felt nothing I did was ever good enough for them. This was pointed out to me over and over. I became hyper sensitive to perceived criticism.

Of course I was paranoid and scared of abandonment or cheating when no effort I made was ever satisfactory, they would talk to others but not me, and when I would share my perspective or confront them I was told that I was just crazy. They told others I am just crazy. They would plan with others telling them it’s because I’m crazy and then withhold intimacy until I would agree with their plans (in a marriage). They work in mental health and consistently scream (literally scream without me raising my voice) that I’m crazy and everyone knows it. That they will call me names because I deserve them. My kids have had to ask them to stop screaming at me and that breaks my heart.

But they have the more socially favorable profession and they are the gender favored as victims by society and they have said (probably publicly) I am the abuser. Well, if I am the abuser how come I went to therapy and did DBT and am still being screamed at and called crazy for having any self interest whatsoever? Did I get mental help to be criticized for getting mental help? So I’m the abuser but they can control the schedule, make threats and say their not threats their promises, they can say they’ll take my kids, they can scream that everybody thinks I’m horrible and everyone knows I’m crazy, they can threaten to burn down my life verbatim, and that I deserve to be spoken to this way. 

This isn’t even touching on what I do for them and our children (with is more financially and equal with time) because I’m not interested in a comparison. Just a rant about my realization of what the word “overbearing” means and what “verbal abuse” actually looks like. All this time I thought I was just unstable and didn’t deserve love but now I’m starting to question some of that.