For some months I've been feeling so good about my life, getting my work done, making my plans for the future, seeing and connecting with friends, exercising, doing creative things, trying to take better care of myself. Recently I got a new job and felt very proud of myself at the training for waking up at the crack of dawn for it, getting there on time, doing competent work and listening closely. The training period of the job made me feel especially stable because I was busy, time was structured, and I had less time in my dark twisted brain and more time in the external world. The thing is, the training period is now over and I am on call and haven't been called in yet. Then right after the training ended, ironically after a great therapy session, I saw an ex-friend who cut me off due to what can peripherally be termed casualties of my past episodes and instability. I couldn't stop thinking about it and I sent the ex friend a text... the text was completely ok in the sense that it basically was only good vibes and some sentimentality like, "I hope you're well! I wish the best for you! Sawing you just reminded me of the great person you are!" but sending it brought me down a deep rabbit hole of shame and anxiety and associations to this past very-uncomfortable-to -relive era. Since then, and since not being called into work yet, I've been smoking a lot of weed, eating unhealthy food, sleeping a ton and just being anxious and depressed and feeling so so isolated and alone. The loneliness is what is really making me feel unstable right now. I felt upset that my phone isn't full of messages but then I realized when a friend texted me I myself felt not down to be in conversation. So it's that thing of wanting connection but further isolating yourself and making connection harder. I went to buy a coffee and the barista looked at me with just a bit of concern like something was just a bit off--even though I was polite--and this makes me nervous the chaos inside me is becoming apparent and will alienate me further. Just wanted to share as I am having a rough time, thanks for reading.