So, I'm spending a moment in some self reflection after being visited this month by two guests from my distant past. Both of my guests suffer from personality disorders. The first was histrionic/anti-social, and the second was a quiet borderline. All of us also meet partial criteria for ASD (Asperger's). 

My first guest was so insufferable and cynical that our visit ended after just one day. He's a married psychology professor (that's never been to therapy). He tries to lure 18 - 22 year old undergrad students into having sex with him. I'm not sure how I fell for this 10 years ago nor why I'd agree to a visit now. He's in denial about his true nature of ASPD traits and claims Histrionic. He also keeps a human brain in a bucket of formaldehyde in his office and laughs about popping rat brains out of their skulls. He enjoys murdering rats in cruel way that he finds in his home, and tells me about it as if I want to hear about that? Like," wow. What a sociopath you are. Congratulations on being totally fucked up and rewarded by society for it." Who cares anymore? Not me. One day visiting was enough for me to close that door for good or well... until I need a job reference as he was also my supervisor (Fuck.)

My second guest was someone who had a crush on me in highschool. I went to a charter school where I gave a presentation to the school on teen suicide that I guess impacted him for life. Fun fact, I gave this presentation months before my father actually did likely kill himself through suicide baiting (tho no body was recovered), and I was hospitalized twice for pretend attempts myself. My admirer turned out to be a quiet borderline himself, and towards the end of his trip here, we really connected. I initially also found him insufferable and cynical, but then he opened up about also being in therapy for BPD.

I realized what I most despised in my guests were the traits that overlap with my particular presentation of BPD. I attracted these people who are mentally unhealthy. I would never choose to make friends with people like them now. I have been through so much therapy and higher education in psychology at this point that I have managed to make progress and be less borderline.

I then watched a video tonight on YouTube of an interview with a woman with BPD who spoke just like my mother (constantly saying, "you know what I mean?" extremely rapidly, seeking validation)... And I just realized, she sounds like she's full of it when she says she's gotten any better. Is that a lie we just tell ourselves? In general, I find BPD to be the most ANNOYING condition to live with, and the people are also annoying as well. I'm sorry. We are fucking obnoxious. I can't even anymore. 

Can I just push a reset button and not be borderline anymore? I'm so over it. I'm done with the cynical, negative, hypocritical, faulty logical reasoning, exaggerating, etc. So fucking over it. Maybe I'm overgeneralizing. Maybe some of you aren't annoying, but I sure as fuck am, and I'm even annoying myself. I just want it to stop. No more BPD. Done. I want a life past it. The conundrum is: I have to radically accept I have BPD and fucking stay in therapy indefinitely. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking. Over. It.