I’m new here, but certainly not new to depression. I’v been diagnosed since I was 20 but I’ve been living with it for most of my life so I’ve gotten a somewhat of a handle on my suicidal thoughts? Is it normal to think about ways other people could kill you, or other ways you could die? I’m thinking of any logical way I could die with out being my fault that I died. Weird way to see it but that’s where I’m comfortable with. Soooo I’ve been stuck in a rut for a few months now, and I’m having a hard time gaining control over myself again. I love my job, I love my family, I love my boyfriend, I love the life I’m in, however I have this tendency to care for others before myself. I care more about others than myself to the point where I skip meals to take care of others, I feel selfish anytime I’m talking about myself and/or my feelings, I don’t even like going to the doctors because I feel like I’d waste their time just being there. The thought of taking care of myself as a physical being, makes me feel selfish. I always feel like I’m trying to prove myself, trying to make people see that I can do it, I can drive, I can talk to customers, I can be the best that I can be. My best is taking me down though. I feel like if I cut back any work I’m doing, I’ll fall behind. I feel like if I slow down, people won’t see me at my best anymore. Okay, yes I may be putting myself into my job more than I probably should but I can’t help it! It’s a family owned business with a family that did not plan on a full blown store with deliveries, freight and large equipment flying in and out the door. They did not expect to turn their little garage home business into a fully function warehouse. I’m learning how to do my job along with my bosses learning how to run a business. Also, couldn’t ask for better people to be my bosses, shout out to them! I’ve worked about 9 jobs in the 25 years I’ve been on this planet and I haven’t had bosses like these people, and I haven’t heard from anyone about having bosses like mine are. I’m incredibly thankful for my job, but I devote as much time as I can handle to my job. Then when I get home, the rest of my time goes to my boyfriend and family. I also live kind of far from my work and I don’t get a lot of time at home. (Home schedule, leaving everyday M-F nlt 7:30am, getting home around 7:30pm M-W and Th-F I get about around 6:30pm, off most saturdays, and off sundays) I did say that I’m not planning anything else this Christmas break besides Christmas festivities and one day that I’m working while we’re closed. Don’t worry, the task I have set for that day is the only thing I’ll be doing, it is a big task but I can only do this when we’re closed. That’s it! The rest of the 9 days I’ll keep to myself. I can’t take any more plans. I’ve been going since the first of October. I wasn’t home for most of October, and November was dedicated to reconnecting with family, work, and the day to day life errands. December just about killed me because of work. I was the only manager for a solid week, received a record breaking amounts of truck loads this month, took care of as much freight and deliveries as much as possible, and I still feel behind. We are low in stock of everything even though we’ve been receive stuff like crazy this month. At this point, the next truck I’m getting is practically all sold at this point. I have help, I just didn’t expect to have mooorre to do after I got help. There isn’t a thing at my job I hate doing. Every minute I spend there is a minute gained in my mind. I’ve already set goals to speak with my bosses to help me work out my schedule so that I’m not working as much because that seems to be my problem. I’ve also made goals to actually learn out to eat again, I haven’t been eating and it’s pretty bad now because I can skip a meal no problem, when I do eat, I eat very small portions, eating and chewing in general makes me sick. I know I don’t have misophonia, but I don’t like to chew my food. It’s exhausting and annoying to do. I said to myself today that I’d rather drink my food. It’s easier to get down the throat, I can be doing stuff while I eat, I don’t have to make meals, just blend it up! It’s all going to end up that way anyway in my stomach.  Ugh I just hate how fucking out of control I am. I dedicate my energy for what I believe in, then I don’t have any left when I get home and I just end up laying in bed all day, sulking in my own puddle of absolute crap. Also I practice self discrimination unconsciously. I’ve worked with therapists before and they work for a little while, but I don’t want to go back yet. I can’t tell if I’m still going to be like this after I get this Xmas break. It’ll be here in a few days but still, if I don’t get better, then I’ll have to start scheduling appointments again. This fucking sucks. I hate the way I feel and yet all I want to do is stew in my own bullshit. I’ve had my period for over two months now, off and on. I can’t seem to get rid of cold sores, and they keep coming. My hair has always had split ends and I don’t know how to help my hair and make it look flawless like so many women I see everyday. I haven’t found a hair product that actually works for my hair. I don’t know how to cook very well, nor do I have a lot meals up my sleeve. I love cleaning and doing house duties, but they become dreadful and overwhelming to do. OH MY GOD IF I COULD JUST TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME, THAT WOULD BE FUCKING FANTASTIC! I can’t seem to focus my energy on on thing at a time. K, I’m gonna go cry now. I cry a lot too. Bye