I know, the title is a bit vague. I shall attempt to elucidate you. 

I suffer from Major Depression. I can hold down a job, I am a capable and friendly person and I can talk to just about anyone. Though I feel it more like a mask. The entirety of how I act feels like hastily constructed armor. Something that I slap together in the morning to at least put on the act of "Functioning adult" when really you take one look at how I run my home life and you'd see something along the lines of a fat slob who has no motivation and just escapes reality in videogames and the internet. I am terrified of people. I am so fucking terrified of people. They don't know that I am basically just slowly dying doing nothing with my life for years and have no fucking clue how to get out of it. My thoughts always feel scattered and even this post is going to feel scattered. It feels more like a list at this point more than anything. I feel like I have to defend myself from everyone and it's kinda cringe. It's so stupid how my insecurities rule me. I KNOW that I shouldn't give them so much power over me but I am a soft lil baby. I am being fully open. I am a weak, sensitive little crybaby man. I am baby man. From now you y'all can call me Baby Man. Ugh... 

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I make jokes to dull the pain that comes from touching these subjects. Like fresh wounds they cause anxiety. I am afraid because I never mastered a skill or learned anything that I could use to build a good career. I just work the pepperoni mines and sling dough all day. A pizza slave working for his minimum pittance. (Call me an entitled white boi but I think that everyone deserves enough to afford the house you live in, the car you rely on to do the work you have to get to get the money you have to pay for all the things you need to do the things you need to do the things you need to do! 

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I am overwhelmed by my life. Tax season is a frantic panic for me, Keeping up with basic paper work, doctor's appointments, bank stuff. I was never taught any of that. I kinda have to just guess and hope I don't somehow get fined for being uneducated on how this shit works. I mean this whole "pull yourself up by the bootstraps and go make a life for yourself" worked great back then. Upward mobility in this economy with the corporate overlords bearing down upon us. It's all hopeless. it feels so incredibly hopeless. I don't even know where to begin. I am just a lone man living in an apartment with 3 roomates and 3 cats. And a houseplant I haven't given a name to yet. 

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I know I will find a purpose someday. That or die. I'm not going to just die on purpose. Where's the fun in that? It's like a game of pinball for me. eventually i'm gonna run outta quarters. But maybe I'll beat the high score. Just maybe. I think all I need is a little help and a lot more quarters...