//venting

My parents are so incompatible. They're like oil and water. Unsurprisingly..they bicker. Constantly. It affected me A LOT as a child and it affects me even now. They're not necessarily bad people, and they don't even hate each other, they just don't know how to communicate and end up bringing out the worst in each other.  My mom regrets marrying him..says stuff like, "if I'd known he was gonna be this way I'd have never married him". One of the reasons my father and I don't get along is that I hate the way he treats my mom. Tbh I hate them together. I hate being a family. I've mentioned this to my mom once or twice during arguments. She was hurt (understandably). I love my mom, but what did she expect..? 

I'm an only child. Chronically depressed and suicidal (due to multiple reasons, mainly because I've struggled to figure life out I guess). Don't have a lot of friends because I suck at keeping in touch. I wouldn't say I'm "lonely". I am kinda picky with people I let in. But yeah sometimes I wish I had someone to hang out with.

So all this considered, I feel like I shouldn't exist. Like I shouldn't have been conceived or born. Life has always been an uphill battle for me. I've tried to do everything right with my life but things just don't seem to work out. My existence feels wrong. It always has. And I worry I'll self-sabotage to the point where I'll leave myself with just one option.  I know I have my own flaws (and I haven't included so many details of my life), but I think my depression and anxiety mostly stem from family issues. 

I'm just venting but if you read this whole post thanks a lot I appreciate it. ❤️