I can't believe I'm about to admit this but it's true. For the past several weeks or so I've really been missing all the attention I got when I was at my lowest point. At certain points it was even fun going to the hospital every week for stitches and seeing everyone's response. I liked kind of taking a break from real life to be inpatient and then in an IOP.

Life is so much harder in the real world. It's not that it's too hard that I want to give up - I know I have the tools to cope and do well. I just straight up miss being a fuck up. It's so messed up.

I know I can't go back to it because I have so much happening in life. I'm just visiting my parents right now but otherwise I'm studying abroad. I don't want to throw away that opportunity. I don't want to let everyone down too and go back to square one but at the same time I do really miss it. I miss sharing stories with people in the hospital. I miss comparing scars and stories about stitches. I miss being the problem patient and all the attention that got me. I just miss it and it's so ridiculous. 

Why is BPD literally so self sabotaging? I literally am sitting here thinking about how I want to start cutting again after being clean 9 months, let my ED relapse entirely (already had one minor episode where I relapsed), and ruin all my relationships and go inpatient. But I know I'd be giving up everything I've worked hard to get to now and part of me is ok with that. 