Hi everyone!

 So, here's the thing:

I (22F) recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3,5 years, our relationship had become toxic because of a lot of problems, different opinions (in our case, that was a big problem), etc. The thing is that, when on the 1,5-2nd year of our relationship (when our relationship problems started) I started noticing some strange (for me, I'm a dumbass when it comes to love and I rarely have a crush on someone) behavior towards my bff (23M). When we were together, my heartbeat was stronger, my palms were sweating, my legs were feeling like jelly, I was laughing at everything he said and, when he hugged me, I was melting in his arms. On the second quarantine, especially during summer exams for uni, my anxiety issues became severe and he, my bff, was there for me, while my boyfriend decided that he wanted to harass me for being Bi and for starting psychotherapy because anxiety became unbearable (I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I had anxiety/panic attacks, meltdowns, breakdowns, brain fog, anger bursts, I was moody all the time, and I still have the same problems, I also suspect I might suffer from BPD). Summer passed, and we didn't speak a lot during that time, me and my bff, because we were both working full time. Anyways, during summer and a couple months before the break up, I realized I'm in love with him but I have no idea how to tell him, but I decided I was definitelly gonna tell him, I can't hold it anymore, not telling him has become physically painful. Fast-forward a couple months later, me and my boyfriend broke up and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made, I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I started trying to talk to him even more but I felt ignored to the point, when on an anxiety attack, I sent him a photo that said something like "if you talk to me out of pity, do me a favor and don't talk to me at all". The next day, I got a phone call from bff, who was asking me how am I, what happened and I send him this photo and why I was feeling like this, and I told him everything while on a meltdown, that I got sick of feeling ignored and that I broke up, but he couldn't talk because he was at work.He called me again, two days later, and the first thing he asked was why I broke up and, to my ears, he sounded happy (he had confessed that he loved me when I was still with my ex but he got rejected because I hate cheating) and I told him my reasons. 

After that, we had a lot late night/early morning calls and frequent texting, he was trying to make me feel as relaxed as possible while on phone because he wasn't at our uni campus due to work at his hometown. But, during an early morning phone call, he told me about a problem with his gf and he asked my opinion about it, but, due to shock, hurt and trying to stay as calm as possible, I started speaking bluntly, telling him I was agreeing with his opinion. After the call ended, I had a bad meltdown, I was feeling every negative emotion you can imagine. Now, every time he calls, I'm trying to speak as calmly as possible but, in reality, I'm physically and emotionally hurting from the meltdowns i try to hide during the calls and after every call. 

Our winter exams are coming soon and I know, he will want to see me and talk to me and he will definitely notice that I'm acting weird because, although he knows I'm masking my emotions and I have a very hard time expressing them (due to chronic anxiety and childhood trauma caused by abuse), he doesn't know at what extend I'm masking. I don't think I'll be able to hide my feelings anymore, quarantine f*ucked me up even more, and they will be visible even if you look at me from 2 miles away. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, what shall I do??? Shall I tell him or not? I'm afraid that, if I get rejected, I might loose my friend because he'll be angry for not telling him sooner, he's gonna tell me that I don't want him to be happy and that I'm acting egoistically...

Thanks to everyone who might read this and answer, I really appreciate it.


Ps. I'm not a native English speaker, feel free to correct any mistakes written.
Ps.2. To anyone who might say I need to focus on myself because of my mental health, I started psychotherapy again because I'm sick and tired of feeling like sh*t all the time, and I already feel slightly better!