 

\[F22\] Hello, if you are reading this, it is because I am tired, it is because I am exhausted. Search in your memories for the best moment you had with you. Bury me gently with all my favorite colors. Forget everything I did wrong. Stay with the memories that when everything was alright. Think of me smiling; forget about all the times you saw me cry. I see a new fresh star rise born beh8ind the sun, but no matter how much I run I can’t reach it.

I hope that I will be in your memories like you are in mine. Hold onto my memories but don’t let them hurt you as I did.

I didn’t want to bring anyone to this hole, but it seems impossible.

I’m tired. Too tired. Of the pills. Tired of stuffing myself with more pills on my hand than I can count. It isn't working.

I’m tired of appointments, I’m so fucking tired of being a psychiatrist patient.

Last night I saw myself googling the prices of rat poison. We don’t have a problem with rats. I also searched for ropes and how much weight they can support.

I’m one step from suicide. But I have to wait. I can’t die before my grandma, I can’t kill myself before my little sister graduates from elementary school. I can’t die before giving one last kiss to my boyfriend. I can’t die before I see my mom graduate from college.

I’m going to kill myself, I just gotta sit here, hearing voices, cutting my arms, getting stitches like I’m the fucking monster of Frankeinstein. I will wait. Not living, but barely surviving. Ignoring the voices with heavy metal on full metal on my earphones. My razor blade is as blind as my mother. Now I have to use extra force to break the skin

It’s been so long, from when I started halucinating and cutting at ten years old, no child deserve demons on their shoulder cusssig at me and ordering me to cut myself. But it is never enough for them. Cut deeper! Deeper!

I’m tired. I’m 22 and I never though I would be alive for this long, I didn’t plan anything. 

Sometimes I don’t know where I am, where I come from, who are these people arond me. Sometimes I forget who I am. What I am.

I always thought the schizofrenia was scary. And in the end. It is scary.