I’ve been clinically depressed for 8 years. I cut for 4 and have been clean for 4. I’ve tried therapy, i’ve tried anti depressants, i’ve has psych evals. the whole nine yards. when the cutting stopped i only picked up other habits; hair pulling, scratching, choking myself, and hitting myself. the one that i still struggle really hard with is the hitting. When I get upset and get the urges, I feel manic. I feel like urge wont go away until I do it but once I start i can’t stop. I only started hitting because i thought it was safer than cutting, but it’s just getting to out of hand. 

This morning was the worst attack with it i’ve had in a long time. My boyfriend and I got into an argument and my brain immediately started telling me how horrible of a girlfriend i am, and how i should just break up with him to save him the misery. I tried not to hit and was laying on my arms but i let my guard down for a second, i slapped myself in the face. About 30 minutes later, it was on my leg over and over again like i was beating up my highschool bullies. I just need this to stop and i don’t know what to do anymore. I’m legitimately scared of myself and don’t want to accidentally seriously hurt myself or even kill myself without my control. 
Any advice helps..