I'm having a really bad day with my BPD.  Everything is black and white and nothing is helping.  I tried talking to my husband and that was a huge mistake.  I hate myself.  He told me that when I have episodes like this that I get toxic.  I don't get why he doesn't kick me out.  I hate him but I can never leave him.  I've tried and I honestly would rather kill myself.

After listening to part of tonight's conversation, I believe him.  I am the problem.   I hate myself.  I can't do this.  I won't kill myself, but I shouldn't be alive.  I just screw over everyone's life.  Even my stepdaughter has said that he doesn't need me in his life always bringing him down.

I want to not exist.  I have no clue how I've managed to not self harm yet today.  I would go to the hospital, but tomorrow is my stepdaughter's birthday and Saturday is my husband's birthday.

I fucking hate myself.  Even the people that say they care, like my mom, look at me with pity.  I'm worth nothing.  It's not worth existing.