Stuck in some bad thoughts this week. Recently I have noticed I have been using some  self harm and substance use to cope.  I need to be in better control. 

There are a few things about the world and my life that are seeping into the not-good thoughts but I feel like I am mostly hung up on the fact today that I am 32 and no one has ever romantically said to me: “I love you”. I have never experienced mutual romantic love. 

I have been told “I love your…. 
Body
Face
Curves
Pu**y
Ass
Laugh
Voice
Personality
….”

But never I love YOU. 

I am blessed in love from family and friends. Rationally, I know this. I am lucky.  Sexual partners have ensured me I am loveable… but not for them to love (for one reason or another).  People ask me “why” and “how” am I still single. That one really stings this week.  Because I think by now I suppose I am just meant to be alone despite my longing for the opposite. 

I have gotten to a place in life where I have the confidence and self esteem to show up authentically and honestly with everyone. I am not hiding who I am and I do fairly well in dating… generally have good first dates and have dated many men for a few months. But nothing lasts. They don’t want me - or fair enough I don’t want them. I know my true self is well liked. I think I communicate well. With any ounce of perspective I know I am lucky in life.  I have worked hard to build my self esteem and self love but feel like its wavering lately.  I feel so terribly sad and alone. 

My therapist says its a numbers game.  That I need to keep putting myself out there and keep meeting more people. Perhaps sex is what is getting in the way.  I have a high sex drive, admittedly. She says perhaps I should try celibacy.  Not engaging in physical intimacy with someone until x-number of dates/months. I have never understood those rules but perhaps its worth a shot.  But my sexuality is a part of me so why can I not have sex and also be valued and worthy of love and a relationship.   

Some family and friends say I need to compromise my values more… date “different” people.  Lower my standards. Is this how they found love?

But… I mean… this is sad right? Im sad.  Dark lingering self worth doubts creep in the fringes of my mind and I spiral. I am normally very in control, on top of my mental health.  Or is it a carefully constructed facade of happiness being alone that is crumbling around me?  It is hard to stay in control of my thoughts in general lately the only strategy I can see to escape is to squash them down and avoid them completely and maybe Ill disappear and not feel or be thought of at all which feels ideal at this point.