tw: drugs, self harm, suicidal ideation.    


24 years old, transgender, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, binge eating disorder, drug addict (though can't find a plug right now), codependent, sex and love addict.

i've survived 3 suicide attempts. 2 put me in the hospital. since those episodes i've "turned my life around." i moved to a new city, got a good job, made new friends. even had a few months of sobriety but relapsed when my ex came back into my life. but i'm still feeling hopeless. my eating disorder is worse than it's ever been. i hate my body. i feel like a slave to food. i hate eating, but i'm addicted. i feel disgusting. i've gained 10 or 15 lbs in the last 4 months. i can't stand to look at myself like this.

i miss my exes. but the last one especially. they're a narcissist, an anti-vaxxer, a liar, insecure, hot and cold. but i love them. we've broken up a few times, i guess. some might call me a "serial dater." i've been told i'm relatively attractive. i've been in a few relationships. but they've all failed. i'm lonely. i'm currently coping with the end of a "situationship"... someone i didn't intend to develop feelings for. we live in different cities and parted amicably. but it still hurts. toward the end i disclosed how insecure i am. how much i hate myself (though i didn't use those exact words). they reassured me that i'm beautiful, funny, interesting. it doesn't matter.

all i want is some b3nz0s or 0p1ates to take the edge off tonight, but i can't find a plug. idk why it's so hard.

i took a walk today and prayed to god. ate some ice cream. then i ate some more. popcorn, a brownie, chips... i feel disgusting. i want to be skinny. i'd be happier if i were skinny.

i don't know what to do. i'm trying everything. i can't afford therapy and psychiatry right now, but i attend 12 step groups such as SLAA and CoDa.

i'm not in danger of hurting myself, but i don't want to be alive anymore.