I mean, I'll be honest, I'm a sore combination of intelligent and likely delusional. I can go from seriously thinking I've been terribly betrayed in ways I didn't deserve at all for the kind hearted and loyal person I am and feel enraged and injusticed, to feeling really guilty and being shocked at the shit I've pulled and how unfair I've been to people and thinking I should just push everyone away for their own sake because of the harm I'm capable of causing/have caused- all within hours. I've had some people think I'm a bad person and others think I'm lovely. One guy pieced it together more and bluntly said "part of you seems fucking evil and malicious but you have a kind soul that was fucked up from trauma". Yeah, ouch. That one's gonna stay with me for a long time. 
I don't know what to believe. I should be intellectually above black and white thinking considering my capacity to understand people, life and facts otherwise but nope. I really haven't got a grip on this. It's also hard to take advice from people without feeling slighted and being scared they're just gaslighting me because I sure as hell have had that happen.

Idek how to be human