I apologize if any of you feel offended by this post in any way. 

Let me give you some background — a year ago I was diagnosed with BPD. Then after a year in therapy I decided that maybe I needed to get a second opinion because I found that I was able to manage a lot of my symptoms and didn’t feel that I could truly identify with a BPD diagnosis.

So, I saw 1. A psychiatrist who expressed that I have ADHD and suffered from depression . I started medication along with therapy and it helped a lot. 2. I met with another therapist who initially ruled out BPD until today. After four months of seeing her she said that although she can’t say whether or not I am BPD just yet, that I exhibited very strong traits of BPD. 

So, now I believe I have BPD all over again. And It feels like I’m going through the same shame, shock, and pain I went through with this diagnosis almost a year ago. I do believe I have it and have no issue owning it. 

However, given my current relationship status ( I got back together with an ex who essentially still treats me poorly) I feel like I’ve come to a point in my life where I have two choices:

1. Keep Believing I can have a normal romantic relationship and do my best to pursue a healthy one while working on myself (the working on myself thing is something I committed to a year ago so I plan on being in therapy for the next 2-3 years to try and combat this shit regardless of this stuff) 

2. Own up to the fact that being in a romantic monogamous relationship will never be a possibility given that I am just too damn emotional with a SO and commit myself to a “greater cause” which I haven’t identified yet. 

I know myself well enough to know that regardless of which path I choose to take, I will go with it wholeheartedly without looking back. If I know anything about myself is that 1. I love feeling like I am resilient enough to rebuild over and over and 2. knowing that I can succeed in my career and get all my validation from that while being alone (being alone is scary at times but I’m okay with it for the most part.) 

I’ll be honest. I am really fucking ashamed to have BPD. I get that I can grow and learn to manage this better and that with time things will get easier but let me be really frank LIFE IS FUCKING HARD AS IT IS. People don’t want to deal with all this emotional baggage because hell - on some days I DONT WANT TO. Suicide has never appealed to me because I think my biggest “abandonment” fears are rooted in what’s to come in the after life. My mom always guilted me with things like “when I die, you will regret this and that” or “when you die, god is going to punish you for how you act”. 

So for me suicide isn’t and can’t be an option. I don’t self harm either because that’s not something I personally find gratifying. 

I find myself self-harming by being a justice warrior. Example:

friend says she doesn’t get why I’m upset with her (after I’ve written her a heartfelt message that doesn’t attack her and expresses where we both screwed up) and says we can’t be friends anymore 

Me: I get angry that she can’t understand me but agree to end friendship 

Friend: reaches out to another one of my friends to triangulate 

Me: I reach out to her boyfriend 

Boyfriend asks : has your friend cheated on me before 

Me: I initially say no until I get a text from my friend calling me psychotic and that she gets why I’m in therapy then I pursue to tell him that yes she did (because she did) only to make her feel the pain I felt when 1.rejection 2. Betrayal 3. Name calling 

Im tired of this shit. 

Genuinely tired. And everyone on this thread seems to post really hopeless things which only confirms that — yep this is never gonna change. I almost wish people could post their ages so I can maybe try and get a better grasp of how far along people are in their BPD journeys (yes I guess I’m still searching for hope) ...

But ultimately I feel like maybe the after life isn’t so bad. Maybe I’ll be normal in the next? 

I just hate that I’m associated with the extremities of this diagnosis. Yeah yeah there’s a stigma and I shouldn’t let it define me. 

Well, Donald Trump is our president and maybe we shouldn’t be worried about WW3, right? 

Don’t mean to get political but whatever. I’m making a point. 

I’m losing hope rapidly. And I don’t even want to be nice about it anymore. 



