You guys. I am a third year college student. All of college has been one big fat struggle. But this semester in particular has been from the depths of satan’s asshole. It has been DARK. Especially the last month. 

This semester is like a marathon. And I was running the marathon. Except I also had the flu. I could barely keep going— all I could do was focus on putting one foot in front of the other. My psychiatrist urged me to do inpatient but I refused to take a leave of absence. I wanted to finish out the semester.

But then I found out about a partial hospitalization program my mental health facility does. And I was accepted into this partial hospitalization program a month and a half ago. I was over the moon. I was set to start this two week program Tuesday, 5/3. I was counting down the SECONDS until I could be there. I was told to come in 9-3 every week day for those two weeks. What they failed to inform me about was the fact that I needed to arrive at 7:30am the first day. So I showed up an hour late.

The nurse told me that, because I was late, I couldn’t start until the following Monday. But the thing is, like I said, this semester especially has felt like a marathon that I was running with the flu. And I thought I saw the finish line (the PH program) so I sprinted just to make it to the end. Except it wasn’t actually the finish line— the real one was still a few miles away. But I had just spent every last ounce of energy making it to what I thought was the finish line. And I no longer have anything left to give to make it to the real finish line. 

When the nurse told me that, I had a MASSIVE panic attack in the lobby. Hyperventilating, sobbing, eventually throwing up in the bathroom. You get the gist. The nurse just stood there and started at me like a zoo animal, occasionally saying things like “try to calm down. You are okay.” It was so unprofessional of her but I was mortified that I panicked like that.

Anyway, in conclusion, I am just so done. I can’t wait I anymore. Has anyone every done a full/partial hospitalization program? If so, how was it? I feel so hopeless honestly