My boyfriend left me. We are still living together, but we will both be coming home on Sunday. I don't think I'd be able to get him back to me.

It hurts physically. We are currently visiting our parents, and I am surrounded by people all the time. I am having a hard time coping and keeping up the mask. I just want to be alone, or alone with him. I am barely breathing and my chest hurts, I want to go back to our place where I left my Xanax because I can't take this anymore.

I want to get him back for doing this to me. I want to take a bunch of Xanax and alcohol. I did it once, and I blacked out but I survived. What if I actually die this time? If I do it only for the blacking out part, it won't feel like I'm doing it to die. At least I won't feel anything for some time. But if I die... I won't know I'm dead. But he will know. He will see me dead. And he will be sorry. 

Maybe I should do it... or try some other drug...
I just know I can't take this and I don't want to keep on going. I don't want to keep on breathing.