NOTE: I am currently undergoing psychiatric assessment, and whilst I haven't been clinically diagnosed with BPD, I have had two separate psychiatrists say that there is a high chance I do.

For context I (19m), have had a deteriorating mental health over the past 2 years. During this time, I met my FP (19f), who has honestly been there for me through the good and the bad. 

I honestly cannot say enough how much I appreciate her for being in my life, and she is the closest thing I've ever had to a sibling (I'm an only child).

As is usual with BPD from what I have been told, I have extreme separation anxiety, and I easily spiral out of control into an episode.

And whilst I have usually been able to just keep things to myself, there have been several occasions where my FP has been there to just listen to me vent about my suicidal thoughts and insecurities for hours.

I cannot count how many times she's told me that she wouldn't leave me, that it would eventually get better, and that she'll always be there for me as a person to talk to.

She is so incredibly re-assuring that whenever I need to talk about something, I can go to her.

However, I have only seen this as so incredibly unfair to her.

When I vent about suicidal thoughts, I am often an incredibly irrational person, and whilst I appreciate her advise and reassurance so, so much, I just feel often like cutting myself out of her life would be the best way for me to show her how much I care for her.

I genuinely do care for her so much, and I feel like such a detriment to her mental health, that she has to constantly worry about my safety.

And I'll be honest, looking forward to her texts checking in with me every few days, that's genuinely one of the only things keeping me going. But I'd much rather hurt myself then hurt her. I'd rather cut off her support if that means she'll be happier. I just don't want to emotionally put her through this anymore.

The thing is though, she is a very non-confrontational person. She hides the impact that me and my fucked up head have on her so much. Whenever I apologise to her, she always tells me that I've never hurt her. But that's something I just can't bring myself to believe.

Now, I will advise the trigger warning for self harm below, if you are uncomfortable about self harm related topics, please stop reading. I wouldn't want to have an adverse effect on anyone else's mental health either.

Recently, I have sort of formed an addiction to cutting as a coping mechanism, and I have been, well, rather fanatical about forming scars on my body and just putting myself through physical pain. And, I guess, it helps me get my mind off it, and validate my worse thoughts without actually perpetuating them too much.

Anyway, why this is relevant is because I let it slip once when I was venting to her, and even though I promised her I would stop, and that I would make strides to become better, I only feel like I'm getting worse with such addictions.

I really want to try. I sincerely do want to become a better person and improve, not only for my sake, but also for hers. And I don't want to lose her too.

I just don't know what to do. Whenever I do make a big effort to get myself back on track things usually go to shit within 2 days or so. I really can't take it and I have seriously been contemplating suicide to save not only my FP, but all of my other loved ones the stress of having me around.

I couldn't take losing my FP either, but I just feel like its the only way that I could make her happy, like she has made me happy.

I know at this point I'm probably rambling on so I am going to stop here, if anyone has any advice please please please let me know as I'm just so confused and lost.

Also, just to clarify, I am in regular contact with a psychologist and a psychiatrist on a weekly basis, and I am undergoing psychiatric assessment. Although, for as hard as treatment has been, I wouldn't really say it has helped me that much tbh.