When I'm clear headed, I can name every coping mechanism under the sun. I can give the greatest advice and tell you exactly how to do A, B, and C. But when an episode hits, it's like I have amnesia. I no longer have any clue on what to do to calm down. So I sob. And wail. And scream. And hyperventilate. And sometimes hit myself in the head because I don't know how to make my mind just SHUT THE FUCK UP!



Then it passes and suddenly I remember all of the coping skills I should have used. And I sink into deep self hatred for allowing myself to forget such simple things that could have prevented such awful feelings and actions. 



This illness brings me a profound level of shame and I fucking hate it.