I was diagnosed BPD Oct/Nov 2019 but have no psychologist anymore because he quit in Dec/January which really pains me still. I don't know how else to title this post and it's sort of a first world problem in my case below I guess.

...but I'm active in this online game and hover around the top 1% +/- 0.5% ranks. Sometimes when I win matches with my friend ^((who's very chill and ever since he started taking this medication he says he's basically dead inside in both a good and bad way)) I just feel like this uncontrollable self-hate for no reason even though everything is great.

Today was a catastrophe because I got this huge urge to self-harm to calm down and it's been *many* months since I did and last time I wasn't sober. I just wanted simple cut and nothing more but didn't do it. And I felt this uncontrollable urge to cry randomly but at the same time I couldn't.

Adrenaline isn't the issue either and even if if I had some adrenaline kick it shouldn't really have such an absurd effect on a positive result.

There were some underlying issues bothering me this week and earlier today ^((Splitting, justifiably so but still, ugh... Some people...)) but once again I genuinely feel like they didn't have any or much cause on this.

Maybe there's some sort of "parallel" in this behavior to scenarios where people with BPD wants to end or ruin something that's good? I believe I've read something about this somewhere before. Admittedly I don't know too much about BPD in general. 

P.S. A dear friend of mine passed away in a car accident in February, almost 2 months to this day, the first month or more I had zero BPD traits for some reason—I'm guessing because of a very unique deep depression. I've had many different ones before but this felt very out of the ordinary. I'm wondering maybe now, even though I think of her every day several times and feel speechless and angry about how unfair this has been, that the actual depression is slowly fading my BPD is becoming more rampant and aggressive than usual? Sort of a sudden mental wake up thing?

If you made it this far; a big thank you for reading this confusing vent/madness. I'm determined to get better in every way possible even if it'll take some time. 💙