To keep a long story short, about four years ago I left my therapist office in a blaze of no glory. I was abusing drugs and alcohol which ofc she had no idea about and I was *manic*
I naturally can’t remember exactly how it went down because I was clearly in the throws of the longest downward spiral of my life. I’m sure she never wants to see me again and I for sure deserve it. But here I am now, years later. an entire new outlook on everything - ready to take my life seriously. I’m very much sober, I’m also not medicated currently and I need to be. My anxiety has taken on a new form of super anxiety and I literally feel sick to my stomach all day long. Like the overwhelming feeling of impending doom. All. Day. Long. I’ve tried other therapists, they’re not her. 
So I called on Friday and spoke to her receptionist. She said she didn’t see why she wouldn’t be able to take me back on as a patient and that if she was in the office that day she’d give me a call back. She never called. I waited over the weekend being that I feel I need to respect some boundaries and not call her cell phone and today I called and left a message on her office phone. She still hasn’t called me back. I’m terrified she hates me and it’s so much worse than I remember. 
I keep trying to remind myself that she doesn’t go to the office every day anymore since covid and that it could just be she hasn’t gotten my calls/message yet but I’m not doing well overthinking this one. 
I wish I could go back and hug myself five years ago and tell myself everything is going to be okay and to calm the fuck down but I will sit in the shame of my being for the rest of my life. I’ll probably delete this in an hour, I just needed to let it out.