I’m 18m and I don’t know much about bpd but I’m experiencing some personality issues and feelings I don’t really understand .  If someone could help me out or just give me a idea of what this is that I’m experiencing I’d really appreciate it.

But these issues or this issue is really effecting a lot of aspects in my life, i think it’s all kinda connected together somehow

 Not sure if this is bpd just tryna figure out what I’ve got going on. it might be a bit of a long post I’ll try kinda give context on how this became a thing.  I just don’t know what’s wrong with me and wanna figure it out 


So there’s two things that have lead me to here. Eating disorder and drugs 

Last year I had a eating disorder, basically went from a big chunky guy to way to small very quickly. In this time I went from being hated,no friends and just hatred for myself.  To someone who was getting compliments treated like a person for once I could just fit in hang out with others be another human.  It was a really quick change but I liked it. This is where I also gained my first real friends.    This was the first time I felt identity. I have always felt so attached to this part of me for no real reason. But since getting better it’s like I’ve lost myself.


This year drugs became a bit of an issue , quickly went from an occasional weekend to impulsively spending my whole paycheck on it. This is we’re I have become very impulsive, it’s crazy my brain will be telling me no then I’m doing it .I’ve always had an addictive personality .  I think through this I have also seen really weird patterns in my attachment to people and friends.

I feel like I’m split between rational and impulsive thinking, it’s like my brain fights  , an example I will be sitting there doing something . but I will be telling my self in my head I don’t like this it I don’t want to being doing this . But I continue to do it. It’s like I crave instant gratification . Spending/drugs/unhealthy habits , stupid stuff that just harms me and my life be I small or radical .

If my brain says this I’ll do the opposite.I just feel split. Looking back on my childhood I’ve kinda always been like All or nothing perfectionist type of person but never felt this before. 


Ive had some pretty pronounce experiences on substances mdma basically each weekend all year in very high doses and psychedelics fortnightly and amphetamines every now and then.  I feel like these have messed with my perception of emotions and feelings. 

  usually this was with friends but through this use I’ve  got a very weird attachment to them now I don’t really feel okay when im without them or not hanging out with them.  But at the same time now it feels so forced talking or interacting with my friends, even my family and everyone . Nothing seems natural. I’ve done mdma many times this year and it’s changed my personality a lot. I feel attached to all the memories and the feeling I feel for myself and my friends when I’m on it But just like with my eating disorder ,mdma gave me another sense of identity and self . I felt like my concept of “me” this maybe because for the first time on this drug I Finally came to terms with being gay .

But if I don’t have those things that feel so apart of me drugs/eating disorder . I can’t bring myself to act “normal” always paranoid anxious stressed out can’t talk properly with friends and just not socially right Or in tune with it all.  But when these things are current drug abuse or eating disorder .I don’t don’t think twice , I can just hang out and do normal things feel kinda like I have identity and sense of self.  It’s like clicking in out of being this human I’ve made myself into.  

in the middle of all this I had a mind shift from being nialstic. we live work die kinda guy. To becoming a lot more spiritual. It caught me off guard because it felt so real and right . Never felt so strong about something. Or am I just delusional.

The paranoia/anxiety of all this on my mind is driving me nuts lately just can’t handle it.
Just an example, I have a huge fear that I have posted something I shouldn’t, this just leads to me checking socials every few seconds out of fear that I’ve posted or said something thing wrong , even tho I never post. I also do this with my friends I’m always just checking to see if I’ve done something thing wrong or if everything or everyone is okay even tho it’s a totally okay normal situation . It does my head in.


But ye basically I feel like I’m just not really attached to the world or myself it’s like some middle ground. I feel so lost and confused , not sure if any of this made sense but if someone can point me in the right direction I would really appreciate it :)