I suspect my husband has undiagnosed BPD. He was an alcoholic for the 5 years when we're together, and I thought it was just the alcohol. He has serious drinking issues. He's an angry drunk. He'd punch walls, get so angry to a point that you could literally see fire in his eyes. It was scary. I once had to flee the house when he was in the bathroom because I literally was fearing for my life. He'd frequently be blacked out drunk and not remembering how much of an asshole he was. He would insist on doing unreasonable things such as walking out with no shoes on at 3am for hours and hours not even knowing where he's going. He's said things like "you're a fucking bitch". It was incredibly hurtful. We basically had to go through this every few days because he was very stressed at his old job. That went on for 4 years. I've tried everything - sweet talking, angry talking, lots of fights, I even started recorded him on camera because I needed him to see what he looked like and how he was acting when he did that to me. I needed him to experience what I had to go through on a regular basis. Hoping that would be a wakeup call. I've seen it so much that I could tell something's off every time he's been drinking, even though he's gotten much better at hiding it. Until one night we were having a very good conversation but he kept going to the bathroom and came back out with alcoholic breath. I confronted and asked him about it, only got another angry response saying that I didn't trust him. That was the night I found tons and tons of wine bottles and beer cans in the bathroom. Of course we had out usual "morning-after talk" after he woke up. He showed immense guilt and shame as usual, made promises that I knew would never come true even though he sweared on it every single time. He'd go through a day or two until the next cycle starts again. Rinse and repeat. It was very hard especially I feel like we're literally going though the SAME THING every couple days. It feels like my life just paused. I'm always worrying about him, walking on eggshells not knowing when he's gonna be triggered, when he's gonna explode, all the time. 

Again I thought alcoholism was the cause of it, turned out there's more to it. Finally got him going to AA meetings (6 months to this day with a few failures/retries but this is the latest record) and realized things are still happening. He's still angry, depressed, having outbursts. Somewhere on the AlAnon subreddit someone mentioned BPD, that's when I started looking into it. He literally checked all the boxes. I'm pretty sure I'm his FP. Whenever I go out just for errands for not even an hour, I'd receive countless texts constantly. He has a complicated relationship with his parents, his dad neglected him when he was a kid, mom left the family when he was a teenager, sister is hard core QAnon, they're not close but I could tell how much he wanted to be loved by his family. He was bullied in school growing up, very antisocial in his college years, has very low self-esteem because of body image issues, and that's tied into how he handles relationships. All of that contributed to him becoming a people pleaser. He's so eager for friendship even though they are clearly taking advantage of him. Oftentimes it feels like he's just "buying" these friendship. He constantly buys them stuff while (in my eyes) they don't even treat him with basic respect. They took advantage of him, but then don't want to deal with his emotional attachment and then subsequently left/cut the relationship, so he's left feeling sad and lonely and that eventually turned into anger and resentment, again and again. 

The last few years when we used to fight, he'd just be angry and ashamed and left the house with "I'm gonna go kill myself". I was terrified at first, then after awhile I learned it's just a phrase that he liked to use. That's when I started seeing how distorted this relationship is. It's extremely unbalanced. He'd say he loves me more than anyone in this world, but I'd point out the way he's treating me doesn't align with his words. Yes he's be extremely remorseful every single time, but the problem is he continues to repeat the cycle, to a point it really feels like he actually enjoys it. I've made it very clear that I don't want any drama, especially this kind of teenage drama in my life, but all he does is creating drama out of nowhere. Last week he had another outburst because he was in between jobs and knew his new job would be demanding, so he couldn't get out of his head thinking that he'd "not have enough free time to play video games and decompress before starting the new job". There are so many nights he'd fall asleep on the couch playing video games even when he's clearly exhausted, and when that happens, he doesn't get good sleep, and subsequently doesn't have a good day the next day. I tried telling him that the game would always be there, there's no need to fixate on that, getting good sleep is way more important for him to be able to function, each and every time I was met with resistance and that eventually turned into something way bigger than it really should be. It's like dealing with a child having to fight them just for them to go to sleep. The truth is, when he doesn't get good sleep, he acts completely out of whack and the mood wing, the confusion, or sometimes it's almost like watching an empty shell who's completely lost everything in life. It honestly is alarming. Yes I know he's in a lot of pain but it almost feels like he craves it. Like when he goes downward spirals it weirdly gave him some kind of high that he can't get enough of it. Even when I ask to be left alone he'd still keep coming at me. 

I hit a couple breaking points because I felt like he's just constantly pushing me to the edge until I had nowhere to go. To a point that I was constantly thinking of divorce, I still wonder if I should've done that. We even signed the paper at one point but he kept begging for another chance, and honestly I was still hoping it'll turn change. We had out wedding reception a few weeks ago and the week of the wedding, the busiest and most stressful time, he literally was completely checked out because of the pressure. We had many fights, talking/thinking about calling it off multiple times, he yelled "you're fucked up" the day before our wedding. His pattern is always defense, avoid/escape, feeling the extreme guilt and then try to make up for it. The night before I was so physically tired and drained from all the prep work but I was still up cleaning the house, packing all the things for the next morning until midnight, all while he went out hanging out with his friends, and then came home taking a 3 hr nap. He couldn't deal with the pressure having to so many things on the to-do list, so his response was "I need to sleep I can't do this now" and just left to go sleep. I was crying and texted him that I've never felt so alone in my life. I felt like he literally left me to face and deal with everything by myself. It just felt so wrong. I told him many times that I was happier before I met him, now I spend my day and my energy worrying about him. This is not the kind of partner relationship I signed up for. This is me taking care of his mental health, while no one cares about mine. I can't continue to live my life like this. I'm so, so, so tired. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of this. I feel so helpless even though deep down I still believe he's a good person, and I wanted to, I have been doing everything I can to help him, including doing all the research, getting him to start therapy, getting him to go to meetings, but this constant battle is just so draining. I'm so tired.