I am a 16 year old schizophrenic. I've had one particular hallucination for a while. He is sort of like a deer, but also not. Im not really sure what he is. He is quite a bit frightening. I used to be very scared of him. He doesn't seem to want anything from me. I think he can read my mind, because whenever I think about telling someone about him he gets very angry. Very loud and scary. He says he'll hurt me, he says he can control my mind and make me hurt.

I've been very scared of him for a long time. But lately he's started acting differently? For the past few weeks he's gotten very close to me, physically. He doesn't like to give me much space. He used to just sit in the corner of my room and stare at me. Again, I don't think he really wants anything from me. Maybe he's just as confused about his existence as I am. 

Anyways, I think he was just going through some things. I think he's having trouble of some sort, but I don't know how to help him or how to ask him about it. I've always been able to tell between a hallucination and reality, but what if he is real? What if he's just this strange being going through shit just like I am? I feel a bit sorry for him.

None of my family know he exists, not even my therapist.

I just want to understand him. I don't even know his name. Maybe he doesn't have one? He has been very close lately, almost clingy? It makes me a bit uncomfortable actually, but I still think he's going through something so I'm not like mad about it. He's just very cold.

Anyways, the other night I did a bold thing and I drew him. And he didn't mind! I think he liked it! I posted it on another subreddit and everything, he was super cool about it. He got very, very close to me after that, and everything went cold. I started hearing very loud voices, like I was in a room full of people, but it was just me. My aunt came into the room. He was really not giving me any personal space, and then my aunt came over and I just started crying, and crying, and crying. I cried for a very long time. He just kept staring at me. It felt like I was stuck in a dream I kept waking up from. I half expected him to stop being there, everything was so bizarre.

I was dissociating very badly, but he didn't leave.

I still don't know what he wants from me. My idea is that I lock myself in a room, just me and him, and just talk. Actually talk to him, out loud. Just so he can hear my voice and know I'm really there. I've got my hesitations, though. I don't want to offend him or anything, and I still have this fear that he will hurt me. I want to be able to trust him enough, but I also worry that he's trying to trick me so he can invade my brain or something. But he's been alone with me a lot, so I feel like he would have tried that already. Unless he is like a vampire, he can't come into my brain without my permission. I don't know.

I have so many observations and theories about him, most are probably just weird schizophrenic paranoia, but he has to have something going on.

I think I'm going to also post this on r/schizophrenia, but I figured posting here wouldn't hurt either. I never get to talk about my schizophrenia. Either way, putting this post it here was a good thing, because it got a lot of things off my chest.