I feel like i’m dying, i’ve been on maximum level dissociation for about three months now, I start DBT soon, which i suppose i’m excited about but i just feel absolutely horrible. My FP recently has been dealing with his own mental health and i shouldn’t want to be selfish and take that away from him. But somehow i manage to convince myself that he is a strong person even when the reason we got so close to begin with is being able to feel for each other, as in he understands my past of abuse and has felt something similar. But i always say to him “please don’t let me stop you from dealing with your mental health, you’re so important to me and i want you to feel well.” But then i get so sad if he doesn’t respond to my texts or anything. He was talking to others, just not me and i know why, i’m emotionally abusive and extremely controlling. And i further abuse him by using the victim cart, It’s so crazy trying to explain it. I’m self aware but yet no able to control my actions. There is a being inside of my body that just cut off all ability for me to feel what i want? It’s not a second personality or anything it’s just a voice. Sometimes i hear it and sometimes i don’t. It’s my inner child, me from that past that is absolutely shattered. I saw a post on here earlier about feeling the opposite of people, If someone is happy then you feel sad or angry. Which i really really relate too. Whenever someone i care for is happy i just get so angry that they don’t want to include me in their happiness, or since i’m not receiving my desired amount of attention that they’re being selfish and letting me suffer. It’s so fucked up that i do it, i wish i was just able to not be bitter and jealous all of the time. Why can’t i just let people have social lives outside of me? i mean i was pushed to side my entire adolescence and i’ve got really really deep abandonment issues. That still doesn’t justify it for me or anyone around me. 