  I'm a minour if that means anything. 

   
 

For the last few years (5-6, I'd estimate), I've found myself feeling numb. In the beginning, it started out as a small, manageable annoyance. I could still complete tasks, things I enjoyed as well as didn't, and I still felt excitement to face the day. I could wake up and see the world in full colour (figuratively).

Now, however... The world is grey. I can't even bring myself to complete tasks I enjoy (drawing, reading, going for walks...), let alone things that are required of me. Schoolwork is damn near impossible for me to do now. I used to love talking to people, but now, I leave them on read for days, *weeks* on end. Every day, I shuffle about the house as though I'm moving on autopilot. Eating (and even basic hygiene) has become a chore, household duties take so much energy out of me... Hell, even getting out of bed takes so much effort now. 

I just feel so numb. I have an exam in four days and I'm not anxious. My parents have actively said that they're disappointed in me, that I've given up on myself, but that doesn't make me feel much different. When my ex cheated on and broke up with me, I didn't cry for or about him once, even though I desperately wanted to. I wasn't angry initially either. I just felt so null and empty. Any joy I feel comes in bursts, and even then, it's so muted most of the time. Empathy is fickle--I can still feel it, but it's so dull. The only thing I can truly feel now is self-loathing. Funny... I feel like an absolute failure, but I can't even feel happiness for mundane things.

And it's only going to go downhill from here. I was bullied back in school, so I was transferred to an online program... I'm sure you can probably tell that it's not helping my mental state. I haven't spoken directly to another student in over four years. I haven't spent time face-to-face with any friends in almost a year. The only people I consistently talk to are my parents, and even then, I'm walking on eggshells with them, since half of our conversations are about school and it only makes me feel worse. I have online friends and the people I've met IRL have social media accounts, but my social battery has become so damn small that I can have a conversation with someone MAYBE once every few days... If I'm lucky. I feel so isolated. 

As of this moment, I'm currently 403 days clean of SH, which roughly translates to about 13 months and 7 days. Part of the reason I did it was to feel something... And there are temptations everywhere. I'm afraid I'll end up breaking that streak here soon. The only thing really preventing me from doing it is the fact that my ex made me promise him I wouldn't right after he cheated on and broke up with me. But even that is starting to become less of a reason to not do it. And honestly, that thought shatters me.

I just... Feel so numb. I'm afraid I'm starting to lose myself in this mess. I'm afraid of the fact I'm no longer scared of dying. I'm afraid of losing my parents' respect, but I can't do anything about it because I just feel so empty. I'm afraid of the fact that being under the ground no longer seems like a bad idea. I'm trying so hard to shoot that thought down since everyone who cares about me would be shattered by it, but... I just, I don't know anymore.

I don't know what I'm asking here anymore. I think this honestly became a vent at some point. I just... I don't know what to do. I've asked to get into therapy, I've asked about seeing a doctor for help, but my pleas aren't being met with action. My parents are trying to help me out at home, but their methods aren't helping (I mean, if lectures, nagging about school, and talks about "finding motivation" seem like anything). My mother HAS suggested I start setting small goals and mark them down throughout the day, but it doesn't seem to do much for me.

Is there anything I can do to feel less empty? Less null? Less numb?

Please help...