So... I use to be friends with everyone when was a Kid I was always hanging with my friends 24/7 all the time I was never home! That all changed when I turn 13/14 (2011ish) I slowly started cutting friends off/Distancing myself for the main reason being that they were “lost” or “not woke” I really don’t know the word to describe it but I felt like my friends were focused, obsessed, and into things I felt were toxic or closed minded and I got annoyed and felt like I was playing with kids much younger than me even tho they were my age. I simply stopped hanging and talking to all my friends one by one until I literally I had no one by age 16 (2014) it’s not like I wanted to be alone I was still aquatinted with all my past friends but I didn’t prefer to hang with them and there was no bad blood between most of my past friends (everyone has casualties growing up) 

When I turned 15/16 I mainly just jumped boyfriend to boyfriend to fulfill my sexual desires and to give myself the dopamine high of “love” and “Romance” (this is also the age I stated smoking weed everyday and drinking on the weekends either by myself or with my smoking buddies) but I never dated a guy for the purpose of marriage mainly cause I can see right through everyone’s (yes my friends and boyfriends) intentions and motivations and I was young. Its like I have this 6th sense to know when someones gaslighting/abusing/manipulating me and when I was 15/16 I found out people hate when you peep and call out their tactics of how they consume relationship so.. ya know I stopped doing that. This is when I discovered it’s better to play dumb to make the most out of my relationships because you can’t change people. 

I use to say from the ages of 16-19 “I get along with boys better” thus I mainly had guy friends with like one close girlfriend. I really felt I couldn’t relate to any of the girls my age specifically because they felt threatened/uncomfortable by me thus causing them to just exclude me. There’s probably way more reasons why girl would be friendly to my face but never invited me anywhere because like I said I really couldn’t relate to the things they were into and I felt like they were really lost. (Not that I thought boys weren’t lost they just had something more to offer if you catch my drift) 

When I was 20 til now I’m 22 I’ve found girls I absolutely love hanging out with but it’s literally been 3 and of those 3, 2 of those girls ghosted me when I was 21 (I also can out as bi when I was 21)  and the girl I considered my best friend now still rubs me wrong on occasion where I know she doesn’t have my best interest in mind and have narcissist tendency (I know we all do) and she has outed her self to me about having a god complex but she does sees the world from my perspective for the most part so the positives weigh out the negative and we have great memories together but most of the time we are just drug bender buddies. I’m mean BENDERS.. like incapacitated af. 

I’ve had 3 suicide attempts, first when I was 17 one when I was 18 and one when I 21. I feel like an Alien 👽 even tho I want to relate to people I feel like I’m way older/wiser then every person I have met so far. I feel like I’m emotional/spiritually different then every person I have met and I have to dumb myself down, be less empathetic, be more closed minded, be more shallow and superficial to relate and be “ digestible” to the people I meet or else I end up alone. And I rather be someone I’m not then be alone cuz I’m not particularly artistic so I can sit and distract myself from my loneliness day in day out. I still have to go to work and pay bills and work is hard when you don’t have friends and fulfilling connections with People. 

Therapists love to say I have BPD depression and anxiety, but I don’t feel connected with BPD diagnosis at all (I believe we all experience depression and anxiety) and I’ve visited three psychiatrist and about five therapists and they are all conflicted. One psychiatrist thought I was bipolar but two more confirmed I wasn’t. Two therapists thought I BPD but then the next two thought I didn’t. But I did do therapy for BPD cuz I had nothing to lose but it didn’t do anything for me cuz I felt they were teaching me things I already knew. 

I got checked for autism and other developmental disabilities I had nothing. I got check for ADHD twice both times they said I was too depressed so the test came back inconclusive.

I tend to choose to spend my time with animals over humans and just yesterday I figured out why, they have no ego they aren’t looking for validation. They are simply content with themselves they don’t feel like they aren’t enough. And this is something I relate with so much, I don’t know how long my egos been small but I definitely know that currently my ego has transcended and I have now mastered my ego. I’m guessing my ego has fully transcended 2 months ago I give credit to philosophizing on aspects of human culture and the human condition (and i took some acid). 

This makes me believe I haven’t been egocentric most of my life and this is why I thought of others as “lost” or “un-woke” or “silly” at the age is 12/13 when I started puberty and my mentality started to change. I had access to to the internet so I could google questions and learn for free about the human psychology. Thus making me feel unconnected from everyone because everyone around me appears to have a huge ego that they perpetuate with their behaviors and thoughts in their every day life which I find pointless and un-relatable cuz I lack ego.

Anyone have any thoughts? 

Anyone have this same feeling?