The other day I went to go visit my best friend. I was not on good terms with him until recently, and I was going to spend the day at his house, catching up. 

What caused the not-so-good terms was BPD. I've been struggling a lot lately and after a suicide attempt at his house, he was done. (I had attempted about 3 other times before and he had done everything he could to help.) After dropping me off at the hospital to be treated, he was done being my friend. 

He wasn't the only one, a lot of friends started to hate me. My BPD can get bad, so I understand the frustration in trying to deal with me. I hurt them quite a bit, and abused them unintentionally.

I finally stabilized, moved home with my family, started doing yoga and figuring out how to exist by myself. I reconnected with my friends and told them about all my progress. I've developed boundaries, and my family home is in the countryside (so there's a natural boundary in the fact I don't live in the city my friends live in.) My friends expressed how much they do care about me, and how they would be absolutely devastated if I really die, especially my best friend. They were excited about my progress, and wanted me to visit asap.

However, my one friend was on holiday when I reconnected, and didn't get the memo I was no longer an unstable mess trying to overdose in his living room. He's my best friend's roommate, so when he found out I was in his house, he got really angry. 

Apparently my best friend hadn't let him know I was coming into town. He grabbed me, dragging me to the door telling me I had to leave and screaming at my best friend asking why he let me back in after I hurt him. I managed to get free and calmly told him I'd get my stuff and leave if I made him uncomfortable. Then I burst into tears and left to collect my stuff. When I went to leave, he apologized soon after my best friend caught him up on my situation, he severely regretted his actions and left the house himself.

I have been abused by my father my whole life. My ex boyfriend also was the type to kick me out of his moving car or throw me out of his house whenever I was unstable. When I was trying to commit suicide, my best friend had to physically haul me to the hospital which wasn't pleasant. It's becoming a pattern that men put their hands on me, and I'm worried.

This recent event has left me traumatized, I can't sleep without seeing the roommate's angry face full of pure hatred just grabbing me and throwing me outside. I think the fact he's also quite large guy (former football player) and is probably the biggest person to have hurt me has affected  me a lot more. I mainly need advice on how to sleep again, and how to stop this from manifesting into some sort of phobia of men. I don't see my therapist for a week, so I'm sort of coasting until then. I've definitely relapsed too and it sucks because I was doing so well but I'm starting to blur the boundaries again, ranting too much about my problems and I hate it.

TL;DR: After getting my shit together, my friends and FP welcomed me back into their lives. But one friend was on holiday and didn't get the memo I had stabilized. He tried to physically remove me from the house he shares with my best friend, thinking I was a mess and would try to hurt myself or others again. I've been abused my whole life, only by men, and I'm worried I'm going to develop an irrational fear of men from this event.

