tw// drugs, depressed thoughts

I have a substance abuse problem, I recognize it, I believe I'm not an addict but I do consume a lot, drink a lot and put any type of shit into my body and I don't even care about the consequences.

Online school is bad, I can barely remember the classes because I'm too high, sometimes I don't even go at all cause I can barely stand on my feet for all the shit I mixed the night before. most of the things I take are not even euphoric, is just sedative and makes me calm, makes me normal, makes me at least feel something.

I'm so tired of this, the isolation made me relapse so bad. I have no appetite, I sleep all day and I'm back into drugs, I just can't put into words how bad I feel. I want someone to notice me, I want someone to talk about this but I can't, I don't want to put all of this dark thoughts into someone I care, they don't deserve that and I don't deserve their worrying cause I'm the one killing myself slowly every fucking day, is my fault

I don't want to feel anymore, I hate to listen everyone's problems but I'm so scared of talking about mine. I'm sorry if this is too dark or something lol but I just can't keep it to myself anymore, is consuming me 

and before any of you say something about therapy, yes I have considered it, but is pretty impossible taking in account that my mom doesn't believe there is something wrong with me, she doesn't want to take me so I guess something really bad has to happen so she can notice me.