Had an appointment with a psychiatrist the other day. I have suspected I had something close to BPD because of how I deal with relationships, but when I brought it up with my therapist he immediately shrugged it off. It felt weird because I felt like depression and social anxiety (which I definitely feel like I do have) didn't fully describe how I felt around relationships (specifically crushes, like the one I'm dealing with right now), but it did kind of ease my conscience as like ... my god what a terrible perception Cluster B personality disorders have, right? It would be a relief if I was *just* depressed, you know? Doesn't mean my relationships are doomed before they even start.  


He did eventually recommend I seek out a psychiatrist's opinion for the purpose of like, getting medicated for depression/anxiety. As soon as I started talking about my biggest problem in my life right now (the crush), the psychiatrist immediately shifted gears and started asking me about borderline. He didn't officially diagnose me (as he said he doesn't like to do that after only talking for an hour), but he said he would put a question mark next to it and discuss more in our next session. I felt validated during the meeting, but as soon as it ended I thought back on it and realized how fucked up I felt.  


I feel volatile, being at risk for having this sort of thing. I feel like it's incurable, I feel like it means I won't be able to love anyone. I haven't ever taken it out on anyone (it's all mostly directed inwards in the form of self hate), and all my friends have never expressed to me that they feel I'm unstable or get terribly angry, but even if the symptoms are constrained within my person, it still feels like I'm insane. The psych also said that he needs to think about "whether an anti-depressant would be good for me"... which makes me scared of the possibility than I'm just going to be doing DBT for the rest of my fucking life, doomed to never find a pill that magically fixes everything. SSRIs would just be too easy, you know? I don't deserve such an easy way out.  


It sucks because this really only expresses itself intensely in romantic contexts, and I've never even been in a romantic relationship before, you know? I go through the same patterns of like, assuming my friends hate me and then getting some sense of relief later on, but it's on a much smaller and more manageable scale. If I act this erratically with a crush, I feel like I would be manipulative as shit in an actual relationship---even if it's all directed inwards, closing yourself off and doubting yourself so consistently I feel invites some sort of conflict, you know? But I don't know as I'm perpetually lonely.   


I feel like I've just been given/am going to be given a big marker on my chest that says "you are an unstable and unlovable person," and I can't do anything about that. I don't have trauma, I am just like this. For no fucking reason.