I hate everything. I'm either constantly numb or constantly overwhelmed. I'm sick of antagonising myself accidentally so now I do it deliberately. I've started telling myself that 'nobody cares about you, why should you care about anyone either?' I don't care about the repercussions anymore, after all the shit I've been victim to, rape, bullying, abuse, alcoholism, homelessness, well, it really can't get much worse. I kind of want to take off somewhere completely random and assume a completely false identity, wondering then if people will love me and accept me for that person instead of the effed up shell of a being I am now who doesn't know how to feel happiness and joy any longer, and quite frankly has given up caring about anyone else in her life as it's quite obvious they all hate me and I'm just burdening them all with my presence. I slipped from sobriety about a week ago before that I hadn't drank since New Year's. I knew when to stop, whereas before I didn't and became an emotional wreck. Now I honestly just want to go out and get wasted, luckily for me I don't keep alcohol in my house for that reason. Sober but honestly the only time I ever feel any semblance of happiness is if I'm drinking. I feel like there's a massive split inside me, calm, passive, numb me and burning, hatred filled, antagonistic, eff you, eff everyone, me.

I don't really know why I wrote all this, honestly. I don't want or need advice cause I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. A little solidarity would be nice though, let a gal know she's not alone in this completely decrepit planet of ours.

Edit: Jesus, I can't even spell bullying or alcoholism right in the title, what hope is there for me :P