So long story short, my 2022 has been the worst part of 2021 too. 

First, my ex who had been officially my gf for 5 years plus the time we had had before (we were neighbours and went to the same school/grade),had cheated on me with two guys, multiple times (one of the guys was one of her bff bf, i'm the only one to know, didn't want to cause a bigger problem) . Mind you this was the third time i had caught her cheating on me. She said she was super sorry that she was gonna fix everything blablabla. After a while of her trying i had told her to stop trying that i didnt wanna get back with her. Two weeks after shes publicly going out with another guy, one that a month before "was just a friend". 

Most of the time she cheated on me i was busy with work, working in order to move out with her and she knew about it. That shit broke my heart. Now I either work less cause i'm not motivated or work more just so i can get my mind off other things.

To continue, my parents are getting a divorce and my mother has made it all about money and she's also more or less brainwashing my younger sister saying my father is evil or wtv. I couldn't care less about the divorce but the fact that she's doing that is just very fucked up. Mind you this has made my father start drinking at least every other day. I work with my father so it has obviously affected. Sometimes he shows up, sometimes he doesn't and I have to step up. Then when i get home to him he makes me work more or starts fighting with me about things i did wrong or did not do or if not talking to me about the whole situation with my mother. 

My uncle (who was my gpa figure since both had passed before i was born) passed.

My aunt (who was somewhat my gma figure) also passed after a long battle with cancer n 2021

I've met more girls but i just don't click i dunno. Ik i could get more girls (im 193 and 80 kg athletic build and good looking imo) but i wanna actually meet someone not just get laid or wtv.

I stopped going to the gym because i have no motivation

I dropped out of college with only a year left to go. I have too much going on to finish tbh. 

Towards the end of 2021 one of my friends passed in a car accident. 

I don't abuse any substance. I like beer and wine on the weekends. I used to smoke weed before every gym session 3-5 days a week, now that i'm not going to the gym im smoking everyday before bed to catch some sleep.

I've been living basically by myself since i was 14, due to my older brother becoming very sick. My mother moved out of the country with him and when my father wasn't working he was visiting them. I had a normal childhood, just that my family was not a very loving one lets say. There was no abuse of any type but everyone was just quiet and since my brother was always sick i had to man up, uk typical boys don't cry shit, so i have never in my life not once spoken to anyone about anything, this is literally my first time writing or talking about this to anyone. 

I just feel heavy and tired all the time. 

I've really tried to cry and to let it all out but i'm numb. 

I haven't thought of hurting myself or anyone else as ik it wouldn't solve anything but tbh i have gone to bed wishing that i didn't wake up.

Since no one know i have to keep the smile on my face act like nothing never happened, being the nice funny guy everyone knows

Ik that i should be happy, but i'm not.

&amp;#x200B;

p.s. i wrote this on my lunch break with no structure or thought because i dunno what else to do anymore. Allegedly writing your things down help so i'm trying.