Hey all, I was diagnosed with BPD about two months ago, but I had suspected that I had it for at least the past 8-10 months, as my symptoms began to affect me more.

Six months ago, I was working retail, which is not the dream, and I was finding it very hard to stand there all day at a register, doing the same thing over and over, and having all sorts of weird shifts. I started calling out of work, or having breakdowns at work and leaving early. Eventually, I decided that I had to just quit. I quit without getting a new job, and told myself I’d figure it out. I attributed my unhappiness to being under stimulated and not performing meaningful work. 

I did get a new job! And it is using my degree, which made me incredibly happy, and I felt accomplished. I do have a bit of imposter syndrome when people ask me what I do. When I tell people my job title it doesn’t sound real to me. 

I found it really easy to do this job, as it was engaging and aligned with my interests. It was very pleasant for the first 3-3.5 months. 

My schedule changed during the 4th month, and was not to my liking, but it was temporary so I kept telling myself to get through it. I did have some panic attacks at work during this time. I work alone, outside, so no colleagues were there to see this. There was one day where I felt so bored and weighed down and despondent that I tried a bunch of ways to break my arm so that I could have a little time off. Thankfully that didn’t work and I snapped out of it within a day. 
This time, I figured my discontent was because of the shift change. 

Now, my shift has been back to normal (I can choose my hours) so that is a huge improvement. However, for the past two months, I’ve had a hard time being motivated. I will get up and go to work, and I end up sitting in my car scrolling for a while (up to an hour) or going out into the woods (where I work) but just laying down and not doing the work. 

I don’t think I’m lazy. I love what I do, I just end up feeling like I’m chained down and can’t initiate work. Now I’ve had to lie about my productivity and then that makes me feel even more guilty. 

Had anyone else had a similar experience?

Maybe it’s also worth noting that during this time, I lowered my dose of fluoxetine significantly, because I hadn’t felt like it was helping. I also take Lamictal and Wellbutrin (which I just increased to 300mg last week). I’m hoping the Wellbutrin increase helps with this.