Just this week I took 2 planes to be with my FP for "2 weeks". Some months ago I did the same and after only 5 days I ditched her and told her I needed time for myself. This time I promised I wouldn't do the same and I even prepared mentally (if that's even a thing) to spend all that time with her and try to have a good time.

Surprise surprise, after 4 days the same happended again and I told her I don't really feel a connection between us anymore, so yesterday I told her that this needs to finish. Surprisingly she took it ok (at least it seemed so) and no drama happended. We were not even a couple btw, we just knew each other for some months.
This morning when the cab arrived for her she bursted in tears and hugged me. I didn't know how to react so I just hugged her back but she just left and I wasn't even able to tell her sorry or nothing at all. All this happened in like 15 seconds.
I feel miserable now. I mean, it is true that it was not good for her to be with me, but I feel empty now but I know I must not be with her because I'm not stable enough to be in a relationship.

I'm just tired of being myself. I don't even know what I want. After she left I took a long 2 hours walk to try to relax my mind but I just couldn't stop feeling so awful and was about to cry at every moment.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I just want to be happy but I just keep fleeing from everyone that cares about me.

I have no one to talk with now so I just bought some alcohol and drugs to try to not think about it.
Again, I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm expecting from writing this, I just needed to tell someone how shitty of a person I am.