I don’t really use Reddit that often, but I really wanted to get this off my chest.
I’m 17, and I’ve had depression for a long time now. It got really bad when the pandemic started, and I spent almost two years doing absolutely nothing but play games and listen to music, cause that’s all that I felt like doing. I always got out of bed really late and didn’t really see a reason to do so. All that kept me alive was music, that I always listened to and cried to until like, 5am.
Anyways, things started to get better a year ago. I started dating, fell in complete love with this girl that I thought was perfect, I just can’t explain how much I loved her. We stayed together for 9 months, but throughout those nine months I started realizing that even though I loved her so much, it was hurting me a lot, and I hadn’t felt happy in a long time. She also struggled with depression, would cut herself, attempted suicide multiple times, and it all really made me feel really bad and panic because I couldn’t help, and didn’t know how to. I know it’s my fault for not knowing how to help her, but I tried very hard. I don’t blame her for making me sad this way, it was my own mistakes. Eventually, I broke up with her, but not because of her problems. I realized the relationship was really toxic, and I had no friends anymore, nor could I have female friends. There was also a lot of emotional “blackmail” (idk the word, not my main language). That happened 4 months ago, and made me get into another really dark period of my life.
I broke up with her still having strong feelings for her. Then, I tried to keep contact, so I could help her if she ever felt bad, but she had two other boyfriends in the periof of, idk, a month and a half, while saying she loved me. I just couldn’t handle it anymore and blocked her. I know I was really selfish, but I couldn’t do it anymore.
Now, I have my own band, I’m writing my own songs and stuff, as a kind of therapy. It makes me feel much better, and I have lots of fun when playing with my friends and bandmates, but every single time when I get home and I’m alone, it’s always the same.
Now she has a third boyfriend, who she seems really happy with. I tried to stop looking at her posts multiple times but I just can’t. I’m happy for her, she seems happy, and that’s all I need, but still a part of me wishes that could be me. 
And it’s not just because of her. I don’t think about her that much anymore, but every single night I feel horrible, sad, and alone, and every single morning all I want is to go to sleep again. I don’t to get up from bed, but I don’t want life to end either. I’ve always been strong against suicide, part because I have hope it’ll get better, part because I don’t have the guts to end it all. 
I just don’t see this getting better ever.
I still hope it will, and I’m not gonna kill myself, but it’d be so much easier if I did, if I couldn’t feel these feelings anymore, if I didn’t have to deal with everything.
Few things make me happy nowadays, but I don’t really have a reason to feel this way, you know? There are people that care about me, I have friends, I have things that I want, but even with every single reason in the world to be happy, i’m just not.
Is this ever gonna end? I take meds, I write and listen to music, I try to do everything to make this go away, but it just doesn’t.
I still stand strong, I’m not gonna let this thing beat me, but sometimes I really wish I had the courage to let it win.

Sorry for the long post, I really had to take it out of my chest. There’s no one I can talk to about these things in such deep manner.
Thanks for reading until here, if you did.