I keep (read: twice in like 6 months. second time last night) asking my bf if he wants to get married one day. I'm 19/20 next month and he's 36 and has been married and divorced and has 2 older children. perhaps idk what marriage entails. perhaps l have this idealized idea of it. but to me it means commitment and being there for each other no matter what. *security*. we've only been together for 10 months. I guess being married would make me feel safe. he's explained to me that we don't have to be married for me to feel safe or for us to love each other and I understand that. I feel he may not want to or be hesitant to bc he knows what actually goes into one. has experienced life more than I have and bc his previous marriage ended so poorly. idk fuck. it is very realistic to wait (one day. everything is hypothetical ig). I haven't even finished college. don't have a car. can't reliably take care of myself, let alone take care of him like I want to. is that weird? wanting to take care of him? caring if goes to the doctor, wanting him to be the best he can be even if he thinks it's too late. it's not. and now I'm tearing up. I need to stop writing now. idk. my feelings and reality don't match up sometimes, I think. I've never felt like this before.

sorry if this post isn't appropriate. wrote it in a sense of slight desperation to connect with someone about this. please lmk if I need any content warnings or anything.