So here’s the deal.

Nothing is more depressing than the fact that in every relationship I’m in, it seems like I am always the one causing problems. Always. It’s me. It’s me. I’m the fucking problem.

What’s the point? Why do I keep doing this to myself? It’s such a waste. Dragging myself along on the inevitable. Hurting other people just to make myself feel a little less alone for a bit? I am the problem. 

I should break up with her and never be in another relationship again. Everybody on this sub is always so sad that they can’t get a bf or a gf. Let me let you in on the secret, unless you change as a person, anyone who would get close to you in that way, they’ll only be hurt by you. That’s all. And trust me, watching that happen, is no better than being alone. It might feel better at first but it’s not. It’s just a trap.

Cause love is a mirror. It lets you see yourself through someone else’s eyes. And when these thoughts in your head tell you you’re garbage, you can pretend they’re not real. You can call or depression, say it’s cause of some chemicals. But when the same pieces of evidence start showing up in the words of the people you care about. Suddenly you can’t pretend any more.

I don’t want to die just cause it hurts. I want to die to finally break the cycle. To break out of this endless merry go round of me failing but never changing. It’s not selfish. I know I’ll never change. I’mall just keep hurting people just keep getting worse and worse and woofer until finally finally I find the courage to break the cycle.

I so badly want to be different. Even if the only different I can be is dead rather than alive. I’ll truly take any improvement I can get.