I just realized like 2 weeks ago that I have BPD and today I told my FP. I realized I had BPD when I flipped out on them and told them they need to heal themselves because they’re afraid of love and gave them examples of times they’ve put up emotional walls. The severity of the splitting was eye opening and when a friend told me about her BPD I realized I have it too. Here’s the letter I wrote to FP.

“So much of Christmas is about atonement so I felt like it may be an appropriate day to write you this.

I’ve come to realize through the heavy emotional experience I had and dumped on you that I am likely suffering from some questionable mental health. I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around why I feel like I’m in such a chokehold of limerence over you despite the fact we don’t know each other very well and I’m already happily partnered. 

I was particularly perplexed by my own emotions after all the things I said to you and how my mindset shifted so drastically and rapidly like a switch was turned. I can’t honestly say I’ve never felt these ways before. I’ve definitely deeply longed for individuals in a very specific way familiar to this before and I’ve also had episodes of suddenly changing my perception of someone and then proceeding quickly in a new direction, but I think maybe none have been as stark as this and I also don’t think I’ve ever had as thick of a correspondence with those individuals and never felt quite as invited to have a safe space for acting on my feelings as much as I’ve come to feel with you. I’ve grown in this space you provided but this time I feel it was potentially to your detriment and for that I wish to deeply apologize and commit to doing better. My “growth” should never be at the expense of your happiness and emotional well being and the things I said to you were potentially very hurtful.

I spent some time with a pal shortly after I went h.a.a.m. on you and weirdly heard a very similar story from her and she mentioned she was coming to find that she likely struggles from Borderline Personality Disorder. I started researching and was heavily flirting with the idea that I, too, struggle with this, identifying 5 out of the 9 indicators in myself which is the minimum to be diagnosed. Luckily the 5 I have, I would consider the least severe of the 9 but they are prevalent. 

I started reading personal anecdotes of people struggling with BPD and then fell down a rabbit hole of memes about it and found they were using acronyms and language I’ve never been exposed to before and when I starting researching them, puzzle pieces were clicking into place. What you encountered with me was a “splitting” episode. And you’ve been filling the roll as something called an “fp.” I’ll let you do your own research on those little gems. What a treat.

This is honestly embarrassing to share and my level of vulnerability right now is at what feels like an all time high. I really am committed to being authentic though even if it’s difficult and I know there’s a high likelihood you may not want to continue to engage with me and that’s ok, but I still felt like it was best if I shared these things with you even though my long, emotional ramblings is far from the kind of content you’d like to be getting out of me. I’ve had peculiar relationships with neuro divergent people before and they really did a number on me and left we with so many unanswered questions. I just didn’t want that for you no matter what the future holds for us. 

Absolutely no hard feelings if what I said before and/or what I’m saying now is a deal breaker for you and you don’t wish to engage with me now, for a long time, or ever again. I have nothing but love for you and always will. I pretty much just want to tell you the reason I’m being weird to you is because I’m weird and now I’ve got a road map to understanding and maybe even overcoming the bad weird bits.”