I am sorry I’m terrible at writing always have been so apologies in advance if it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Before I begin my pointless rant Not to be self deprecating and pessimistic but this is just plain old speaking objectively facts.

No matter how hard I try to control my bpd and steps I make in myself in the way I think and act stupid things that don’t even effect me get to me which is hard to explain I don’t understand it and it stresses me which makes me react badly. 
Every time I react badly and just be shitty to people I feel so fucking terrible which makes me feel stupid because I’m feeling shit because I react in a way I know is wrong and is completely avoidable and just makes me look petty and selfish when I truly have the best of intentions and am trying so hard but I always seem to fuck it up. 
I’m so fucking sick of saying sorry I’m sick of causing pain and anguish to the people I love and care about. Like what he fuck is wrong with me why can’t I just be normal I’m sick of living this way, I make mistakes and promise to myself I won’t make the same mistakes again but I always do which is truly pathetic and I feel that the people around me just put up with it and think the worst of me and don’t expect anything else from me then to be a selfish piece of shit that can always ruin a mood.

The amount of unneeded stress and pain I have caused over the past few years is unbearable and I can’t help but think that if I just succeeded the first time I tried to kill myself ultimately would have been much better for my family. 

I really am trying and it just feels pointless I can have a good day where I don’t let myself lose control but then I do over the littlest thing and say something that the other person doesn’t even get effected by or anything they don’t think anything of it and I apologise and they r like what for? But that one tiny thing just fucks with my mental and ruins everything.

Honestly sorry for anyone who has bothered to read my pointless rant idk I know it doesn’t make sense but idk has anyone else experienced such a cycle or is it just me being ungrateful and selfish as always.