I don't know what to do. At least now.

After summer I got home from vacation and I need to start work on my thesis and so many other things. Also the summer was more exhausting then I expected so with my psychiatrist we upped my antidepressants dosage.

I feel pretty terrible since then. I wasn't able to get any daily routine, regular hygiene, eating real food, ... It got worse each day. I couldn't stop the urge to SH. 

I'm at the place where I desperately need help and also want to stop this nonsense and just live ( I mean treatment, at least medication that I suspect is making more harm now ). 

Yesterday I harmed myself intentionally. I just needed a break from all these feelings. To make them stop. It was the gesture to fuck it all. I don't care, I just don't want to fight at all costs. Especially not fort price of my sanity.

Then I forgot my meds when getting out. I was on way to group therapy so I decided to just take them later. Now it's a full day of meds I skipped. I'll probably get my morning meds as soon as I get up, but it doesn't bother me.

And maybe it does. In this moment I'm starting feeling anxious. Not from quitting the meds from pretty high dosage, but just anxiety on its own. Maybe it's start of this miserable state I live with last two weeks, maybe something my meds should've help me with.

I don't mind it. It does not matter. I don't think I will intentionally SH and I'm definitely won't k*l myself. I don't think I'll ever. It's mostly the pain that make me think about it And now I'm in the platoe state. 

I don't know what to talk about I'm tomorrow's therapy. I don't know what's wrong or whether there's anything. Now I suspect that I was feeling bad just because the side effects. Maybe I was faking it all the time?

I know there's something wrong. I always felt like broken. I just ... I feel like I need time to solve it, time I don't have. Mostly because of the school, need to get work afterwards and so on. Because life don't wait. 

Fck the live, fck the meds, fck the recovery ... I just want to live and not always all this shit. For some time I needed a break. Now I just don't care.