I'm sorry I know I'm being a little overdramatic and I doubt anyone is going to read this anyway but yeah if you do a response would **really** help me

I mean I don't think I need to mention it on **this** subreddit, but I am very impulsive and self destructive and the situation I will be mentioning is very similar to one I have been in before (like emotionally how I react etc etc not the actual story). I think it may seem like I am overreacting to certain people (again, I think this group will understand but IDK I'm sorry).

I am a minor (well, almost 18 but I guess that doesn't count) who will be graduating soon and I have been crushing on a 20 something guy who is a regular at a coffee shop where I am a regular too. I haven't gotten action in a month and have been particularly lonely (my best friend left me, my ex boyfriend moved on and just a very very very hard time due to major depression and stressful time period, and well BPD). So yeah, I had been crushing on him and really really wanted to talk to him (but I guess deep down I didn't, I just felt that way because I knew he wouldn't talk to me). Anyway, I have a very hard time saying no to people (another BPD thing but need to mention) and this has backfired before. So now he comes up to me and asks me if we can get a coffee next time we both are there and I said yes without thinking much. He also complimented me a lot which was much needed because I have been particularly loathing myself (again, severe depression, suicide attempts, stressful time period and loneliness). I didn't bother telling him my age and to be honest after we spoke I don't feel *particularly* into him, partly because he was nice to me IDK? Yeah so I said yes without thinking at all and yeah it is just a stupid coffee and it's essentially just a date but I'm (ir)rationally stressing out about what I say to him because deep down I don't want to not talk to him because I have been crushing on him, i get validation, I like older men and I could really use some affection and/or action.

But along with the fact that I deep down want to just hang out with him or date or fuck or whatever (it was very clearly a date) I also just don't have the guts to tell him my real age, like I just can't. Whatever it is, that place has been my safe space through very hard times and I'm scared that the place will be ruined for me because like everyone leaves me and now this place will also be ruined and I will have nothing left for me that is actually a constant. Anyway, so this is my situation and I can't tell what I **want** to do (consciously and subconsciously) and what I **should** do.

**Now for background of a similar situation I was in:**

When I was dating a man I loved, I was incredibly depressed and hence even more sensitive to things than I already am in general. In retrospect, he had been emotionally abusing me and he constantly made me feel absolutely awful about myself and i guess I didn't quite realise that consciously and constantly blamed myself because of my rather extra outbursts. So yeah, there was a subconscious intense self hatred (more than usual) and I was at a course where there was an intern everyone was crushing on. I randomly developed a crush on him and had a somewhat similar obsession as the one I have with the other older guy mentioned above. I assumed he wouldn't make a move on me and then he suddenly did and because I was dissociating a lot and just very low and I also can't say no, I agreed to hooking up with him. It's funny because I really loved the guy I was dating despite the abuse, but deep down I just wanted to do it. Part of it was probably just me self sabotaging I have no idea. Anyway, I felt extremely validated by this crush the intern also had on me but when it came to the point where he tried to hook up with me or whatever, I kept avoiding him (but I also wasn't??) because again, to some level, I didn't want to do it (but I'm assuming it was because I loved my boyfriend at that time), but I also wanted to do it I guess.  I impulsively went through with it when he pulled me in a room but I stopped it soon because it didn't feel good and just I had no clue about what I was doing.

**Back to original feeling:**

Now this feeling of not really wanting to go through with this date is mixed with a feeling that I want to go through with it really bad (partly knowing that there is no exact happy ending), this is very similar to the cheating which I regret because of the intense heartbreak and push and pull pain my ex put me through during that vulnerable time (yeah yeah i cheated my responsibility I suck I know). I think a huge part of me wished it never happened at all, again similar to the situation above, but is thrilled at the validation. I really didn't see it coming. I think I really want a secret relationship with him because he seemed sweet and attractive and I JUST DONT KNOW (apparently seeing me always put a smile to his face). I'm not sure what I want and should do and I lowkey just want you guys to tell me to fake my age and go through with something but obviously it's very messy. What you need to perhaps know is, I am incredibly bad at like telling someone something after partly going through with the date, i know he never asked for my age etc etc. but I just can't get myself to tell him the truth because I never am able to, I just find things like avoidance and pathetic excuses to get rid of such situations. But we are both regulars and that place just makes me feel so so so safe. 

**What I would really appreciate:**

A possible explanation to why I'm feeling what I'm feeling 

What exactly am I feeling

What should I do (again telling the truth about my age is almost impossible for me to do now and I don't really want to do it)

Is there any way I can like actually see him and I don't know get some action (I understand I'm going very far fetched for all I know we have one coffee and that's it but I doubt that would happen)

I'm so lonely and action and romance and just any love deprived please I could use some