I really fucking hate being like this.


I've been obsessing over this guy for years now. When I say obsessing, I don't mean just checking his social media, googling his name, etc. I mean going to his house, going to his college, checking his friends and families social media accounts. I hate myself, I just want to stop. It's like the more I know about him and his life, the more realistic my imaginary life with him is. But I know in real life it's just not possible.


I am so lonely, I want to be happy, I want to have friends but I just push everyone away and turn everyone down. I always complain about wanting a relationship but whenever the possibility arises, I completely shut down. And I always complain that I want an active social life but whenever my friends ask me to hang out, I say no. I don't know what I want. I feel so so shit, I don't know how to feel better.


I'm sick of this never ending feeling of despair and I'm sick of being alone. I just can't connect to anybody, nobody cares about me, nobody likes me nobody wants to talk to me. This is exhausting, I am so tired of being like this.


Sorry for the rant