I'm 20 and i have social anxiety, no motivation, completely lacking interest in life, and no enjoyment out of anything, feeling like i don't deserve to wake up in the morning since i was around 14

dead inside is the only way i can describe it

It is hell on earth and i don't even want to talk about this to anyone just because i'm too tired to even explain, no one will understand anyway

my friends somehow convinced me to go out to a rave with them, took an ecstasy pill (doubt it was even fully real mdma) but holy fuuck.

within 30 minutes i was a new fucking person, could talk to anyone about anything, felt so confident to the point i thought scared myself (i took 15 numbers from girls in less than 2 hours)
Felt so damn passionate about life, made plans to start working out and stop being skinny, start learning programming, was smiling for and a genuinely happy the first time in years, the world was fucking colorful again and not this bland of dead grey that i have been seeing for so long.

but then, after 4 hours it all completely ended

back to my usual self. dead inside, world is completely colorless again, couldn't talk to a girl even if you put a gun to my head

its been 2 years since that and its all the same. I have tried mdma again a few times because i would do ANYTHING to feel like that again, but it never happened. until the day i die will never ever that day, where i was back to being alive for 4 hours.