Honestly, I feel so confused, I don't know how to project myself in the future and I'm afraid to keep living stressed everytime, I just simply hate it, I'll turn 21 in 3 weeks and I have many suicidal thoughts, I am almost 100% convinced to own a handgun asa I turn 21, I don't want to have attention and nothing about that, I just want to recover a little hope of keep living and find worthy to keep going. any thoughts?