I’m so mentally ill that I can never hold jobs. I have not held a job longer than a year, I’m good at getting them but I can’t hold onto them. It slowly gets harder and harder to handle the crowds and people because I’m overstimulated easy. Then it goes right to fantasizing my own suicide everytime I know I have to wake up and go to work. I currently am about to quit my new job because it’s getting so bad I’m worried  it’s going to cause me to relapse. The only breath of fresh air I can ever get is the not so often chances I get to be around people who are nice to me. Friends and mostly FWB. And even then only a couple of them are good people. Almost all of my friends and fuck buddies are terribly mean or mentally ill people who affect me awfully and make the suicidal thoughts worse. I already have a plan to pack up and disappear across the country on my birthday next year. It feels like my only way out without killing myself. My mother is abusive so I never get a moment to rest at home either. I get bullied mercilessly for calling my life a “hell loop” although that is exactly what it feels like. I am made fun of and teased when I try to talk about my mother or how miserable I am and it makes everything worse. I mean when you are kicked down the stairs everytime you make any progress how are you supposed to ever have hope?