I’ve been doing well recently. Started Citalopram, started therapy. This past weekend I felt so alive and happy and hopeful. Then it’s like a literal switch in my brain just got set to low. Now i’m ruminating, anxious, paranoid. I know it’s because my period is starting soon, but knowing that doesn’t help me. The thoughts and fears are too strong for any actual rational thoughts to put a stop to them. 

I’m convinced my boyfriend is gonna leave, he’s talking to someone else, he’s hiding something. 

I look in the mirror and I trash myself. I’m awful and unworthy of love and disgusting. I’m boring. I’m sensitive. I’m broken. I’m overly emotional. I’m never going to amount to anything.

I hate the way these thoughts snowball. One little “i feel like crap today in my head ugh” turns into “no one is ever going to love you, and if they do, they’re lying. Look for all the lies, be on guard at all times. You know you’re worthless and they do too.” Then of course you look for things to prove these irrational thoughts. If you seek negativity you will find it. And I just convince myself everything is a sign that I’m going to be left all alone and I deserve it because I have no value. 

I don’t get the physical symptoms of pms. No cramps, no breast tenderness, etc. I just get the mental bullshit.

I’m trying so so incredibly hard to manage my anxiety and trust issues this year. I’ve made so much progress. I’m different than last year, I can feel it. But weeks like these still take control and pull me down. I’ve been learning ways to stop them, but I still can’t manage. I’m so terrified, so out of it. I don’t feel like myself. 

I’m finally doing something about my mental health but I feel like I’ll never have anything to show for it. Maybe I’m impatient and dramatic right now. My heart just kinda hurts.