For years it felt as if my mind had finally quieted down, that I was finally mindful and introspective. I felt that everything was fine I had great friends, I was in a long term relationship, and I was graduating with my BA. I really did fool myself. I didn’t see the signs. The constant ruminating of what it’s like on the other side. I figured it was the depression, I figured it was the shitty relationship of unfulfilling sex. I thought it was just my need for escape and to feel something new. Well it was all those things and it was the start of how bad it gets. 
I finally got out of that relationship and threw myself head on with a man that was 14 years older than me. Finally someone that understood me for me, that saw my need for great sex and banter. Someone I could talk to nonstop and play games with nonstop. Someone that grew a community with me online that reflected a very close family. Again I ignored the signs. My need to be loved always put to the side because they weren’t ready. My need to bring them into my life because I wanted them to become my family. And little by little the anger came out. My stressful job didn’t help. I was working 14 hour days and still had work to do at home. I was exhausted mentally and physically. And he, distanced himself as one should when their loving partner is no longer as loving. I understood. I felt alone. I couldn’t take it anymore and had another mental break. I cut, I yelled, I banged my head on the wall and I fucking spiraled out of my mind. I started of the year with that man and don’t even kiss or touch him. I broke it off after that break. I was lonely. And he didn’t want me, not the real me. 
So I sulked for a week. Couldn’t move, couldn’t eat, just cried and laid on the floor thinking why couldn’t I be better for the people I loved. Why was my anger so debilitating? 
An old friend came to visit out of nowhere, maybe coincidence? We always talked maybe once a year to make sure the other was alive and well, but we never bothered each other with the details to not worry each other. I knew he had weight on his shoulders and told him to come see me in person which may not have been the best thing to do but he drove 2 hours to see me that day. And bam, I was in another new relationship. 
This time with a friend I’ve known for the past 8 years. A silent bystander I’ve trusted in the past and who’s trusted me with their pain. Again I found someone so wholesome. He knew who he was, faults and all. Even more so he knew what he wanted. It just felt like this was supposed to happen, like everything that I’ve been through was for us to finally understand who we were to be with each other. At least that’s how it felt in the beginning. He moved in quickly, not because we were in a rush but from a dire circumstance where he needed a place to stay and it was only coincidental that I so happen to live in the city famous for the job of his dreams. It made sense. Until it didn’t.
The arguments started to come to fruition. Again my job didn’t give me much leeway even with covid and working from home. We shared a room not big enough for the both of us. Both of us overworked and realizing that we were so completely different from each other. Yet all this and he’s the only one that keeps fighting to come back into my life even though I keep pushing him away. Bpd has taken over so much of my life and my will to live. And he has been there more so than the others I’ve been. I mean I have been a horrible terrible person, I can’t imagine anyone that could ever choose to keep loving me. But he’s there. And though one of our fights did cause him to move out and find his own place, the distance has helped and has made me realize how closed off I’ve really been. I’ve honestly stopped believing anyone could ever love me so once I realize the possibility of them not being “the one” crosses my mind I go into a panic of cutting ties in my brain causing me to distance and push the people I love away because that is so much easier than them leaving by choice. I am so thankful and amazed at his ability to stay in my life as I battle the constant emptiness, paranoia, anger and just plain depression that I live with everyday. I just want to be a better person, if not for myself but for him. Sorry this was a vent. Thank you for reading.

TLDR girl vents about not realizing her bpd has taken over her life