People with anxiety disorder - do you have this kind of problem with reading or learning about new things, especially about new ideas, philosophical for example? 

In adolesence and in our 20s, one of the main challenges is finding our own way. We have to discover the world around us and form an opinion about it. It shouldn’t be THAT hard, is it? 

Well, I don’t know if you also have this problem, but for me, it’s something unbearable. 

I feel trapped and stuck, because I’m frustrated – on the one hand, I know that in order to develop, we are supposed to search for an answers, but on the other, I know the sense of life isn’t possible to know. Nothing is certain or clear. And that’s making me crazy, because I see no point in growth – I’m unmotivated for having any special hobby or learning something fun, because I’m afraid that it’ll turn out to be a mistake, an error. 

I know that making mistakes is normal, but not for me. I’m so scared, because I study psychology in college. Two years are gone – the first year was 100% online, so no one controlled how did I pass the exams. Second year – nearly same thing. Luckily, the classes are absolutely fucking useless, because it’s nearly all history of psychology.

I tried to study, I swear. But everytime I try to study, there’s a war starting in my head.

Learning about all these ideas, having so different perpectives upon human – which is right? Do I think independently enough? What is important? How will I use it in the future? Do I know enough? Why I don’t understand this sentence? Maybe this field of study is not for me? What I want to do as a psychologist? Maybe this college is shitty, maybe even if I stick to learning, I’ll be a shitty psychologist? Maybe it doesn’t have any sense at all?

Once I was really interested in psychology – I liked reading good books about it, but now, everytime I’m opening the one, I remember whole literature I haven’t read for class. And then war starts again: ‘’Is it good enough? Maybe you just wasting your time? Maybe it’s just a pseudo scientific book?”. FUCK. 

Yes, clearly an anxiety disorder symptoms. But does someone share this experience? 

*Ps. Sorry for grammar, I still learn*