I'm a coward, I am too afraid of death and what comes after to do it myself when it comes to it.

I will be joining the military in late November/early December so I can finish my degree and give myself time to decide on what I will apply to in the military. I am joining so I can die but I don't have to kill myself.

I am worthless, I provide nothing of value to the world but my labor. This isn't why I'm joining the military though, I'm doing it because I just don't care about my life. Most of the time nothing feels real, like I'm already dead.

I'm ugly, poor, extremely short, have bad social skills, only 6 friends who won't notice I'm dead unless someone tells them, and my physique is terrible. I'm never going to be truly loved or cared about, I'm just not worth it. There's no going around it, anything I can do someone else does better. I'm never going to get a girlfriend or have a child, and even if I do it's just going to be fake. If a woman were to chose me it's going to because I'm the least worst option, not because I'm actually valued. I have nothing keeping me I this life and I'm never going to get anything, it's just the way things are. I got a shit chance at life, some people just get bad luck.

There's no cause, or reason, or anything to blame it on, I'm just worthless and that's that. It sucks, it makes me sad, I don't want it to happen, but I can't do anything. I can take drugs (already have been, helps short term) or go to therapy but the problem at its core doesn't go away. Any bit of effort I would put into making myself feel better is just a waste, because all it does it make me feel better rather than actually change anything.