I have pretty bad BPD but my best friend my dog always kept me grounded as I cared for him like my child. We got him when I first started experiencing all the horrible effects of BPD when I turned 19. (I'm 30 now)

8 months ago he passed after a 7 month battle with heart disease where I spent close to $15,000 to try and save him. Since then I'm in a perpetual state of dissociation and apathy and I literally can't feel anything. Nothing scares me even the thought of dying a grizzly death. I don't fear the consequences of over drinking or doing hard drugs or even guilt from doing them.

I work out pushing my self as hard as possible doing anaerobic exercise for an hour straight burning 1k calories and still feel numb afterward. 

 You know those people who lack pain receptors in their hand or something and then they end up doing permanent damage to it because they can't gauge damage being done to it because they can't feel it? I'm scared I'll do something extremely dangerous because I have no fear of anything.

Anyway just needed to vent this, you guys are the only people who would understand.