 I know this community would be way better understanding than anywhere else. I can't even describe what I'm feeling but I'll try. 

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so my fp/boyfriend did.... something I'd rather not talk about because it's not my business to tell people. it was basically cheating in my book, but Im sure in other people's minds it isn't. whatever, you do you. you can decide whatever you want on the situation it won't change my mind. 

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anyway. now I just feel... empty. and sad. and hurt. and like this all happened because I wasn't good enough. I feel manipulative. I feel like I'm being a bitch. I feel like I fucked up. I feel all these things and I can't deal with it. It's severely messing with everything in my life and I don't know what to do. fuck, I guess I'm messing up my own life. I just can't deal with this and everything else going on. I can't even describe all the other feelings I have. it's like this deep hole in my chest i can't so anything about and it fucking hurts and it's his fault, but at the same time this is all obviously my fault because I'm manipulative and a bitch and a piece of shit for not being able to do anything for him to prevent this. I feel manipulative because he did this out of vulnerability and sadness and im still fucking upset. 

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and apparently?? we had talked about him doing it before?? like, apparently at some point I gave him permission but the thing is is I have a terrible memory due to, yknow, all the trauma and other issues I've been through. but i know we haven't discussed it in the last few months, so he still should've asked me. especially since he knows I have a terrible memory. we're both poly and some might compare what happened to that. but even if we're poly, being with someone else without asking is still fucking cheating. that's not what he did, I just wanted a comparison. 

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I just needed to tell people who will understand the hurt and feelings I'm going through right now. :v