All my life I’ve been transfixed by the idealistic portrayal of friendships and relationships in media. See in movies you find people that really get you, even when you’re not looking for them. They share passions of yours, they want to spend time with you, you get into scrapes and adventures that shape who you all are! 

But most of all, you *matter* to them. They turn to you when things are dark and desperate. They can sense when you’re down and they show they care rather than just say it before hoping you’re alright. 

I don’t feel like my friends are like that. I don’t think I stand out as someone to anyone. Half of it is my own fault for being insular and shy but I can’t take another new friend that clearly would rather we are just acquaintances. And for the friends I  already have, I cannot bear how “everyone is equally their friend”, aka they have so many options that I am just a number. 

It makes me so sad. It makes me bitter and angry. It makes me want to scream and self destruct in a glorious fit of melodrama. But somehow I never work up the courage to snap. And so I simply scream on the inside and continue withdrawing, and no one notices. I can’t take it.