From the earliest memory I can recall, I’ve wanted to kill myself. But it was just a consistent passive thought, I didn’t know if I really wanted to act on it or not. Every once in a while things would get bad and I’d really want to but something would always stop me and I was glad. I would think about my friends and the family that I care about, or I would freak out at the thought of afterlife and all that. 

But now I’m just so tired. It’s no longer the passive “I want to kill myself but I know I won’t do anything”, now it’s just, I’m tired of fighting so hard to stay alive in a world that is too cruel and I am too weak. The world has taken everything I love and if I still have it now, the world will take it away at some point. So why don’t I just end it now? Why can’t I just end my suffering? I’m too tired. I’ve been struggling for so long I’m just so exhausted. I don’t care if there’s an afterlife or not, I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to keep fighting. Im so tired of waiting for the good. I’ve had good things and I’m so grateful for them but I keep getting knocked down. And I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to get back up, why can’t I just stop fighting. Everything I’ve ever done is for others. Im so tired. I want to be happy. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I don’t understand why I keep fighting. I don’t want too. Im so tired. The people I have in my life are strong, they’d get over it if I did it. Part of them would probably even be relieved that they don’t have to deal with all my emotions anymore. I just don’t get why I always have the be the strong one. I want to give up. I’m way more scared of the future than I am of death. Death feels peaceful. The future is terrifying. Thinking about all those years I’ll still be struggling because fuck, I’ve been trying to get better for like 10 years and I’m not. I’ve had an eating disorder for 7 years, I self harmed for 5 years, I’ve had anxiety my whole life and had depression most of it and now I just got diagnosed with BPD a few months ago. And I’m trying. I’ve tried. I can’t get better. Every time I try I fail. I am not built to take care of myself. I help others and that’s who I am. I’ve helped everyone I can already. I am of no use in life anymore. So please just let me give up. I can’t keep going on because I know I’m just going to keep suffering and I thought it was worth it but it’s not. I’m too tired. I’m done fighting for a world that keeps pushing me down and only giving me the occasional times where things are good. I just want to stay down. I’ve been fighting too long already. I’m sorry. I’m just so exhausted. I’ll probably be fine in the morning because for some stupid reason something in me keeps fighting but I just had to get how I’m feeling off my chest because I have no one in my life who will listen or understand. I don’t know what the future holds or if I’ll have one but all I know is that I’m just so tired.