Just sharing how my state currently is.  So I never really feel excited anymore. I can’t really remember when I last did - before 12 I think.  Even when going away on a solo trip to Paris I so badly wanted to feel like “woo!!! Look at all these cool things, go!!”   I mean I did feel happy being there and exploring but there was like a part of my mind that was hazy. As if I was dreaming, as if I wasn’t quite there.  I wasn’t worried at all.  Just preoccupied.

There’s books I want to read, shows and films I want to see, and places I want to visit.   I know I want to! Yet I dont. I don’t pick up the book or turn on the tv or go to the theatre, nor research and book a trip. Or when I do any of these things I know it’s great and I do enjoy them yet I don’t feel a rush of bubbling enthusiasm inside.   


Deep down I’m aware life isn’t hopeless…it can’t be since there is joy, happy coincidences, love and rainbows etc.  Though my brain often sees the darkness at the edge of the page. And my feelings…gosh I feel trapped, hopeless, sad and scared all at once! I don’t want to feel that way. I want the motivated happy energy to fill me up!