So everyday I self medicate heavily, it's like being in a mental hospital and everyone trying to talk over eachother in my head, and benzos make me feel good,finally, weed to just forget the people I've lost in the return patient hospital buisness. I do not reccomend this to anybody based of my experiences, as it causes more trouble, but sobriety drives me insane and into the hospital.

 The way I'm keeping out of the hospital is by pretending I'm terminally ill,so that I don't have to kill my self,  but what happens after I'm 18? I'm a high school dropout with 1.7 of the 28 credits I need, no GED, complete loser and I feel so alone. I cry every night. I'm a dude, I put up a front of a confident ladies man in front of my friends but all my girlfriends while attractive emotionally took control of me. I'm 17, and I'm afraid my mom will kick me out and forget about me when I'm 18 because I've wasted so much of her money on my treatment, while I'm stuck in the same place 6 years ago, just trying to make it day by day, barely. 

My moms  my best friend and I'm getting more and more hopeless and running on fumes and just and so exhausted. What if I'm kicked out when in 18 so she doesn't have to deal with me. Does it get easier as we get older?

 I'm just gonna face the benzo withdrawal head on, and I don't even know if stopping weed would send me down a spiral or what. I just want to stay safe and out of the hospital and hold a job but I get overwhelmed and just want it all to stop. The skills i learned in treatment work but it just feels like a matter of time when the wrong moment hits at the wrong time and I just end it. I have 2 sisters in Texas and one here and I can't just leave no matter how badly I do but it just feels not fair. I also have PTSD so they exasperate eachother. Sorry for a rant, I'm just feeling so alone I know nobody else who feels the same way and I just honestly want a hug. Enough ranting, i hope you all are at peace at this moment and have a beautiful day. Hopefully one day I'll look back and think "damn I'm glad I didn't kill myself"

Also, if people could pm numbers I'm just super lonely, I'm not clingy or anything I have that basic social awareness, sorry if this seems desperate. I wont only talk about depressing shit either, I like to educate myself as much as possible and love listening to life stories

Take care you all

Ps sorry for shitty editing, super upset right now 