I have been in a new relationship for a while and we decided to live together. We moved in exactly two weeks ago and it's been hell. There are too many external issues to solve. In the midst of a pandemic, with job uncertainty, social isolation, and general chaos, we are individually struggling.

I've been "stable" since April. I break down occasionally, but I don't self-destroy nor indulge in impulsive behaviors anymore. The symptoms are there, but they're manageable. Mostly, it's quiet. I don't lash out at anyone anymore.

So, these two weeks have been very hard for me because the stress levels of moving + studying + working full time + dealing with the household repartions and purchases + the mental load + being the main breadwinner + my period + my projects + my physical illnesses + a recent traumatic event + my mental health have taken a huge toll on me and I feel extremely tired, which is leading to me losing stability.

I'm breaking down twice a week, at night, when my boyfriend comes home tired from work and starts complaining about work and time and money and life in general and it's just the stick that breaks the camel's back for me. It happens because he arrives in such a strange mood that I can sense and my BPD flares up and I isolate and cry just to self-regulate, but he also takes this personal and calls himself useless and a lot of things that make me feel guilty and cry harder.

I've explained to him that my feelings are like tsunamis that come and go and when they're here we just have to wait it out and let the water flow, to not attempt to rationalize with me or snap me out of it, just to let me cry it out. He still feels the need to say something, though, and I end up feeling more frustrated. He's scared of seeing me suffering. He says it hurts him, which makes me feel guilty; but, as  I mentioned, this happens around two nights a week. The rest of the week I'm very happy.

Today we had an issue because he overslept and I ran late for work trying to wake him up, so we didn't have time to cook / eat breakfast before I had to leave. I was super pissed. I didn't lash out at him, I just complained in general.

He later went to work and didn't really text me at all. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was confused and needed some time to think. Hours later he tells me that he feels better, that he's home from work, and that we need to talk. I ask him to tell me right now instead of waiting for me to get home from work. He refuses. I mention that he's acting strange and he says that he's confused because of my reactions and that's the reason why his behavior changed.

So, long story short, I'm still at work right now and I don't really want to go home because I think that we will have a difficult conversation and maybe he will abandon me. My stomach aches, my face feels numb, my heart is racing, my head hurts, I feel the tears welling up my eyes, and I wish I could just take my car and go to my parents' house and pretend nothing ever happened.

This feels so similar to the dread I felt coming home when my father was angry at me. I know he's not my father, but I no longer feel safe because I feel like he's going to abandon me.

I'm scared.  I can't focus at work.