Short version:

To me, triggering events always feel like they just happened, even if they happened years ago. I'm constantly spinning the wheel and landing on emotions (repeat every 30 seconds).

This makes reconciliations difficult. If the other person wants to talk things through at the time of the event, I will completely shut down for protective reasons until I'm ready. That could take a while.  Meanwhile, the other person moves on with their life, and time stands still for me. I'm basically in a fight without telling the other person. 

Sometime later, in their eyes, I appear from nowhere with an outburst, recklessly blocking or yelling.  They have a right to be confused and surprised because they probably stopped thinking about the issue a long time ago, which also really fucking hurts, making me madder. 

I'm not used to going on an apology tour and then *NOT* being forgiven. That pisses me off. Mind you, there are no innocent people in this scenario. I am just owning up to my role and trying to get a mulligan, do-over, forgiveness, whatever. I am aware that we don't always get those and we shouldn't be relying on external sources for comfort, acceptance, safety, forgiveness, etc. 

I know I can't control what others do and I should accept that the forgiveness won't come. Step right up and spin the wheel again and I won't even give a shit for a while, which is delightful. The part of my brain that loves to hurt me has spent these two years of covid lionizing this person, constantly beating me up because of my toxic guilt from my actions that are not true to my nature.

I am aware that splitting is extra hard to resist when you don't really know the person. It's all assumptions and guesswork (and an insane amount of rabbit hole sleuthing). There is nothing amazing about this person at all, yet I cannot enjoy anything because I'm mad that somewhere, they are enjoying it, too. Literally, a nice breezy day will piss me off because I hate thinking of them enjoying it.

My anger is because they didn't accept my apology. There's a scene in My crazy ex-girlfriend with Nathaniel fiercely reminding everyone he’s nice now!

So yeah! I'm nice now! Stop being such a bitch and be nice back!

I have completed DBT, TMS, and have a therapist and meds. I know on paper what I'm supposed to do. What I really want is to truly stop giving a shit. I think covid really fucked me up because my internal dialog has skewed way off. A lot of healthy habits went out the door, which I am working to correct. Also...

# Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's fucking exhausting having to deal with this after 3+ years. Does anyone have any ideas or mantras or rituals to get the focus back on yourself and be your own cheerleader?