Throwaway.


So I've met the love of my life. We've been together for almost 3 years and we own a house together. He's been nothing but supportive when I've had my worst lows, encouraged me and been patient. I've decided that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have talked about marriage and kids, and it's something we both want.


Then last weekend, stupid as I am, I asked him where our relationship is going. He replied he didn't know and that he'd sometimes thought about breaking up because things were tough. He said he was hoping for things to get better. He also felt pressured about getting engaged since I've been mentioning it and hinting lately.


I was shocked. First of all, I had literally no idea he felt that way - I only experienced him as supportive. He has voiced none of it. Mind you, he's extremely introvert, so he doesn't talk about things very easily. Second, I was under the impression that we were actually *close* to getting engaged, and not pressuring him while he was uncertain. Third, I feel like I've been a lot better for at least 6 months, maybe more. Like I've finally started letting go of the feeling that I don't deserved to be loved, I haven't been getting randomly depressed and I don't get as jealous or insecure as I've been. Mostly because of my meds, but still. Then he drops this on me. 


Despite the fact that he says he loves me and wants to be with me (and I can tell he really means it), I am now back to being insecure. The tightness in my chest is back. I was wrong. I thought he was the one, and was actually allowing myself to dream about a proposal - that is now over. I feel like I'm preparing for being single again, what's going to happen to the house, where will I live etc. I'm scared he will decide to not stay with me down the road, whether it be now or in another 3 years time. I'll be single at 30&lt; and I'll be too old to have children if I ever meet someone again.


Everyone around us is getting married or having kids and I don't deserve it. I used to cry when I heard about it, because I knew it would never happen with me - and for a while that changed - but now I'm back to square one.


I feel like all of this is the fucking BPD's fault. Everything was fine before it started acting up again. Our first year together was a fairy tale. The second year I crashed hard, started meds and DBT therapy. I thought things were going better, and I felt better lately, but that's not enough. I need to be happy all the time, be full of energy, never get jealous, be humble and not voice anything that bothers me. My family and friends also seems to support this and remind me that "it's hard for him too, and he must be exhausted". So I guess that's that.


Any thoughts, advice or ideas?


**tl;dr:** Thought boyfriend and I were close to the next step; engagement. Turns out he's been having secret doubts, despite telling me and acting like the complete opposite.
