Hello, Its Thanksgiving 11/25/2021

I feel like I am very different from my family. I am a 1st generation Hispanic male studying for the MCAT to get into medical school. And over the years this has been a dream goal because I've considered myself a large humanitarian to friends, coworkers, strangers from the University, and to my family of course. But now, there is a conflicting thought that is acting like a cognitive dissonance to who I am and why I do the things I do.

Today, I needed to get something off my chest, and going toward my brother, he saw it as a burden to even want to give me advice or to hear me out. He goes "Man, it better not be anything stupid like problems or things going on with you" (I just said "never mind" and walked away). Then I approached my mother and father, however, over the entire years of my life I've never felt as if I could trust them, for good reason- something back happened in 2019 where I fought for an opportunity, and they shut the idea down. But maybe as a whim, maybe they could have changed. As a foot on the door technique/ to test the waters to see if they would extend a hand and listen to what I have to say, I go: "Oh man, I don't even have a brother to help me out when the only family we have is only us". And this is where the reaffirmation of my perception toward them starts.

They say that I shouldn't expel my problems to others and that a lot of people need to fix their own situations because no one wants to help others because they have their own dilemmas. Now, what I haven't said is that my mother used to be a doctor back in her country. So I retorted, *but doctors need this sense of empathy, because when people come to you for physical aid, there are the emotional support that needs to be given so that we can remind each other that we do care- hence the soul reason why we become health care providers. No matter what other emotional need that they might be going through, even if its something that they originally didn't come for; we are there to provide any kind of reaffirmation.* 

My mother finally says that this shouldn't be the case because you're there for whatever is hurting them and thats it.

Then I finally tell them, "then if I don't have a brother, and your telling me all this, then I don't have a mother or father to help me with anything". They start throwing their ideology at me (this is the bolded portion in the next paragraph) And I finally realize that this has been an ongoing motif. Its always been me helping them out when they needed it most, when my brother, mind you OLDER BROTHER, was going through it, I would always give him my shoulder. When my depressed mother would have one of her episodes where couldn't take it anymore, I would always be there. Its always been that- with no reciprocation when I needed it most; they always brush it aside or dismisses it as if its too complicated for them to even help their own son. And the trust they have for me isn't trust, its just a way of saying, "**your our son, so we'll be there for you, in our terms and to fit our needs**".

This hurts even more because all my life they have taught me this life is full of malice, which of course is right, but they explain it as if we cant help each other, we cant trust each other, or we cant let ourselves be vulnerable. So why does it hurt? Because I have a friend whom I known her for 5 years now, and shes taught me so much more than what they could have. Shes a fucking pleasure to have around because she makes you see the light, she brightens your day, she always listens to what you have to say, she checks up on you, she empowers your esteem and ability, and she makes a good clubbing and drinking friend lol. She has taught me to embrace this life and see it as a gift and a plain to explore and learn and to help as much as we can. I've seen her at her best, and I've seen her at her worst, and she will always be motivation and someone who I can strive for. She is the complete contrast of what my family has taught- **to damn this life and see every day as a trial to survive and to look the other way onto the things that don't serve a direct purpose.** **To look at the objective goal and not be distracted with anything.**

I need help, help from anyone who has the time to read any of this. I aim to be like my friend, and this is who I've been for the most part; to love life and to love others, while still maintaining a realistic view of the world and to take in the disciplines that it has to offer. But over the years, it has been rough, it really has been a large trial, and I feel like I had to grow up and mature faster to meet the demands and responsibilities of what was thrown at me. This is what scares me, I'm 22 years old but I feel like the more I age, that wide eyed spirit is becoming more and more fogged up. I don't want to lose the person who I was and its scaring me that I will.

If there is anyone who has any kind of advice, who has any kind of story they can share, anyone who may be older or younger that can help me, it is very much appreciated.

Thank you.

Oh shit also, of course lol I ALMOST forgot, Happy Thanksgiving everyone, eat good, get the itis.