What the hell is wrong with me? I'm signed off work at the minute and due to go to counselling but I'm in two minds about whether I will go or not. When I've gone to sessions before I've felt like my real issues are just ignored ? Like they never come up ? And I end up feeling like 'uhh I just seem like a person who has nothing wrong with them and I have nothing to say, why am I here?".

I am a very anxious person, particularly socially which is why I've struggled so much with work and daily meetings and constantly having to reach out to people to be able to complete tasks etc. But I also have other issues. I have never told anyone but I have told awful lies throughout my life. In primary school I told lies about being cast in a talent show, about originally being from America etc. In high school I lied about having an eating disorder, lied about being bipolar, faked boyfriends, faked suicide attempts and self harm. I feel awful even typing this right now. And yet...recently the urges have been creeping up again to fake self harm or suicide attempts to my friend. 

I also really struggle with how strongly I can feel things, like when if I fall out with a friend or get in a disagreement with my boyfriend I get so low and distraught and upset...but equally sometimes in arguments with my boyfriend it's like I'm so upset and my tongue gets sharp and I say something horrible, and obviously he is upset, but suddenly I feel completely calm. And it's like I just want the argument to be over. 

It's got to the point where I'm 25 now and thinking to myself "seriously? We're really gonna do this same shit? The shit you were doing 10 years ago?" 

Ironically despite all the lies about mental issues throughout my life, I'd give anything to not have my anxiety and just be able to function normally without beating myself up and literally saying "I hate myself" and reliving every social event. It's torture and it makes every day functioning as an adult in my personal and professional life exhausting. 

I'm just so done. I don't want to work. I don't want to have to take care of myself and a house. I just want to be financially stable and free and happy. 

I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Thanks for reading if you did. 


TL;DR - I'm a terrible person. This is my confession.