I am writing this because I feel like I am imploding emotionally and there is no sign of those massive waves of emotions ending anytime soon. I don't even know if it is BPD or something else, or if it's maybe "normal". I just know, that I feel like most people are not feeling things this intense. And what I read on here in many posts sounds very much like me.  


Now to the situation. I try my best to keep this  as short as possible.  


Last week a TikToker and author created a Discord server for her followers, so they could talk to each other during those times of home quarantines here.  
That evening or maybe the next I joined the Voicechat (for those not familiar with Discord, everybody who joins the Voicechat can talk with each other) and after a while there formed a group of people, we were 5 or 6, and we talked the whole night until like 7 in the morning. It felt amazing.  


That's the first problem in this situation. I feel like, things like this, amazing evenings or nights with others, to me feel like THE best moments in my life. I feel intense happiness during those moments and afterwards when thinking about it. In and of itself that is something great, I guess. Problem is, I always feel like I'm the only one who feels so intense about moments like those. I feel like others enjoy them and then... move on with their life.  


I don't.  
I think and think and think about those moments.  
And after a while my mood drops.  


Because I realize, that those moments are gone now. They will fade like most memories do in a few days and in a few days or weeks I'll probably won't even remember how their voices sound.  


But those evenings/nights continued. Everyday for the last week or maybe a bit longer we were in the Voicechat for hours usually until early in the morning. We played games online together like [Scribble.io](https://Scribble.io) or we just talked and talked and talked.  


During those hours of us together I feel one of the highest forms of happiness I ever experienced.  


But as soon as I wake up the next morning I feel emptier than I ever felt. Because I know that this is just something temporary. At the latest this will probably end when social life gets back to normal and I have to go back to my job (currently woring from home). Most of them could probably continue like this (one is a student, one self-employed, two currently at home), but I wouldn't be able to keep the routine of staying online from 12 to 7 or 8 in the morning. So I would drop out of the group, or at least miss most of the days.  


It also doesn't help that I seem to crush really heavily on one of the girls in our group. And I mean heavily. But she lives about 6 hours away (everyone in the group lives somewhere else in the country). And while I know that it is possible to meet one day and that 6 hours is not that far away, I also know that there's probably no chance of us seeing each other more often.  


This is the situation.  


While I am with this group, and at the same time of course with her, I feel like I never felt. Happy on a level I can't completely comprehend. All those hours, those nights and early mornings, together.  
But as soon as the moments are over I remember that it's just temporary. And that sooner or later this daily contact will probably lay in the past. Aswell as knowing that there's almost no chance of this girl and me meeting other than maybe a few times if at all. And that it's probably that important only to me. That she probably doesn't feel like this and especially not this intense.  


And it feels like... wave after wave of intense happiness followed by wave after wave of intense emptiness and sadness.  


I don't even know what I want to get out of this post... I just feel alone with feeling so intense. Maybe someone else can relate...  
Thanks for taking the time to read this wall of text :)