Before I write anything, this is a pure rant where I just need to be heard, not told what I need to do. I'm in therapy, DBT, medication, the fucking works. And, I'm still feeling hopeless.

My husband stopped talking to me. He abandoned me. According to him, it's my fault. I'm 700 miles away from him, and I feel more abandoned each day that passes that he doesn't respond to a text or email. Forget even trying to call him. 

I'm supposed to reach out and do what's uncomfortable, and I have. It doesn't make it better, bring any relief, or cause me to treat myself any better. Recovery is all about a different perspective (see screen name), and that isn't working. I'm deteriorating.

I'm in so much pain. I'm 36. I am not speaking on only a handful of life experience years. My experience with deteriorating mental health goes back to age 7 when my mom left me with a dad that was never home and a teenage stepmom. Then I was abused by my mom's new family. So, I numbed my feelings and went to work on a lifetime of hurt.

I got through all of it. I've lost everything more than once and built it all back. I married my husband knowing he knew all this about me, the ugly included. Now this is too much work for him, and he stopped talking to me 6 weeks ago. He let me leave without knowing where I was going. He hasn't checked on me. He hasn't responded when I've reached out letting him know how much pain I was in. He has abandoned me, like my mom did. How am I supposed to trust anyone that leaves me without my having any say in it?

I don't want a divorce. I want him. He is my best friend. Someone I believed in. Someone I looked up to. Someone I never, in a million fucking years, would ever intentionally hurt. I'm sorry I hurt him. He hurt me, too. I know he's not reading this, but this is my unread letter to him. I need him to remember the good because just like good seems temporary, so is the bad.

I just want to stop pretending that there is an end to this. Therapy is an indefinite practice for me. I want to stop pretending that I'm okay. No more. I'm not okay, and that's fucking okay!!