Last Monday began my Junior year experience and on Wednesday I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I say "diagnosed" but my psychologist already knew I had this illness since February but decided not to tell me so I wouldn't worry. She said she wasn't duty-bound, legally to tell me I have BPD until I turn 18 (Next May) so she was waiting for me to find out because she said she knew I was smart enough to do so.

What my psychologist doesn't know is that I didn't just randomly came across something that was wrong with me... I was doing several quizzes online about how bisexual I was, just for fun (I was 40% lesbian, 60% straight) and I saw a quiz called "Do you have Borderline Personality disorder?" My interest was piqued so I clicked out of boredom and became instantly scared for what the quizz was describing and I didn't even finish it because I texted my psychologist and that's when everything went down.

As for how did I take it, I was destroyed. She told me the symptoms and I had it all... Untrusting, Mood Swings, Self Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Black and White Thinking, Body dysmorphia, Fear of Abandonment, Dissociation and derealization, Indecisiveness, Intense emotions and Emptiness.

My psychologist asked me if this made me sad and I said no but my body betrayed me because that second a tear rolled down my eye. 

People might think it's silly to be sad in that moment because they think it's because you're putting a label on yourself, but it's hard not to when 90% of what you are is your illness... that's what they call it "personality disorder" isn't it?

I feel really bad for myself because I have a crush and he has been flirting with me this past week and until Wednesday, I felt like I could be happy for once.... but no... I would never put him through the pain of being with someone with BPD, because he is funny, positive, charming and caring... I would feel responsible for the pain he would go through because of being with me.