I recently moved back home after 3 months of getting kicked out. It’s been very intense for me as I was doing a lot better out of the house. Everything happened so quick, I didn’t wanna be a nurse anymore nor wanted to go to college, I applied to a restaurant job and quit in two weeks because I felt I was about to relapse on drugs, and it seemed everything my therapist told me back where I was staying at went down the drain. Finding a new therapist has been a hell-hole because the one I had told me I was misdiagnosed and made me question myself more as a person. PTSD came back to me as a wild-fire especially when I just got out of an abusive relationship with someone I knew for 7 years that I was unaware about and instead reached out to an ex who I cared about still on the daily despite us being broken up for two years, telling me he still loved me and I didn’t take it well when we rushed into things quick. I have all these plans for life (doing videos for YouTube, having trips around the world, wanting to take and edit photos for my instagram, etc.) but I’m not sure where to even start. It’s been hard that my ex (who I still love) came at me still wanting to have children with me since I really was killing my body so I wouldn’t have one. I almost had his child back in high school but Now Im not interested in giving birth since I can’t handle having a kid. I take medications that I wanna get off of due to the fact that It be nice to have children but my body dysmorphia has been insane with not drinking ballerina tea anymore to flatten my stomach. I was suppose to have my job back at GameStop but that didn’t work out at all due to the virus and I’ve just been stuck inside with thoughts and problems I’ve made up for my own suffering. I wanna move out since I despise my neighbors and my parents aren’t necessarily helping me recover since my mom and I would physically fight consistently and I just keep getting flashbacks of getting my dad arrested since he would hit me a lot. The only thing I’m looking forward to now in life is getting medical marijuana to help out with my anxiety and depression. It hurts finding out my ex and I won’t work out in the future despite him and I being very happy together, due to the fact he really wants kids and I just can’t give that to him. It hurts only for the fact he’s been on my mind consistently for two years and now it’s just hard accepting that he isn’t the right one for me. It hurts the fact that my progress has been thrown down the drain due to the fact that I moved back here and it’s very hard to find a good therapist that accepts your insurance these days. I also have a car I want to design and modify but Due to lack of funds that’s been put on hold and when talking to my ex it just made me loose that part. I lost a lot of myself when I was in my abusive relationship (love for anime, gaming  and collecting, makeup, etc.) and at this point in my life it’s just been an identity crisis. The only thing I can say is that I cut every single toxic person in my life out and have my friends who have been making me happy and making sure I’m doing okay. I hope once the corona virus passes we can do the things we’ve been planning to do since day 1. I don’t know if I’ll ever admit to my ex that we wouldn’t work out so I can avoid being hurt. I don’t think I can even handle being his friend as of now since I can’t handle the thought of him having someone else as a partner. All I know is that I’ve been all over the place and I wish I can just sit down and do what I’ve been needing to do at the house. I wish I can stop going on YouTube also and watching other people talk g about their drama since it’s a gross feeling watching that. 

I want to get better and it’s slowly fading the future of what it looks to be better for myself with all my questions and confusion.