I tagged this as ''person w/o BPD'' because my early 30s I was assessed for an eating disorder and told by psychiatrists that I ''had many borderline personality disorder traits'' but didn't quite meet the full diagnostic because I wasn't the outward-acting kind of angry. . .  but I almost feel as if I could be quiet bpd. To be clear, I am NOT asking for a diagnosis - I am just sharing my experience and ranting in the hopes maybe someone else will relate to what I am going through. 

And also to be clear,  I met almost all the other markers in the DSM-V for BPD -- emptiness, self harm, suicide ideation, fear of abandonment, dissociation, unstable self image. But one thing I was uncertain about was splitting and what that looked/felt like for me. 

Something I have really noticed lately (now in my mid-30s) is... I feel a general social paranoia/distrust/contempt... I think? I don't even know how to explain it. It's like, when I see friends, I doubt how much they actually like me. A classic ''waiting for them to leave me'', I suppose, and any hint of them excluding or rejecting me I see as proof of that and want to cut them off. And yet I don't want to cut them off. And I waver in these extremes, it's like, I want to be so distant from them because I think I am better than them? But I DON'T actually think I am better than them. It's like this ''I don't need you'' feeling occasionally overwhelms me. 

Some of these friends I feel angry at and rejected by, even though I know logically they have reasons for behaving the way they do. (There's a longer story here, but basically, I have been feeling excluded by a group of friends who all work together). 

And then there are the super nice friends who,  for some reason, I get irritated at. Friends who have great emotional intelligence and good boundaries. I get such resentful feelings toward them. But I don't know why. They just bother me. And it's usually the MEMORY or THOUGHT of these friends I have this feeling toward -- this '' I'm better'' than you, like my ego has these drastic shifts between ''you need these people'' and '' I don't need you, I am going to find a new set of friends who doesn't assume they know me. '' Yet when I am actually in contact with them, I usually discover or remember that I like them way more than I remember? Not always. But sometimes. 

I feel frustrated even writing this, because I don't know if it makes any sense and I am not sure I am articulating myself correctly. And honestly, I do feel guilty for being irritated at people who have shown me nothing but kindness and care. But I neglect them. Sometimes, I avoid them. 

I guess me being away from people makes me feel safe, is what it ultimately comes down to. Also, I realize some of this sounds like an avoidant attachment style. When I am excluded from events, I feel a sense of anguish, which makes me think I am more fearful-avoidant, if we have to label it.

I should also say that this doesn't happen with all my friends... I have moved around a lot. But it does happen with most of the friends who live in the same city as me, or who are from my hometown. 

I also have ADHD and feel pretty neurodivergent in a lot of ways, like, I feel weird. And I am definitely afraid of rejection, and I often feel like I am an outsider. So it is possible this is feeding into my fear of being accepted. The ''you can't hurt me, I hurt me'' kind of attitude?

Anyway. I am just ranting. I don't even know if this is the sub to post this on, but it feels like more of a BPD thing than an ADHD thing.

And finally:

Does anyone else feel like their outsides never match their insides? Like nobody ever actually sees me, but I don't want to be seen, yet this is what I want more than anything. This is the emptiness to me sometimes. I keep wanting to change my outer appearance, and I do try, but my insides change so drastically and so much that I can't just decide on one look. I want to change my outer self constantly. Again, part of that could be ADHD, and chasing a new or stimulating / novel idea, but it feels connected to my identity as well. 

I'm confused and hurting and I want to stop being such a secret bitch to my friends.