I also just logged into my social security account out of curiosity and was surprised to see that I would only qualify for $330/month in disability benefits if I even got it, which is pretty much impossible anyway. I'm 25 and have been living with my parents and doing gig economy shit for spending money since I got out of high school so I guess I deserve it? And this latest psychotic break came RIGHT after completing a treatment program for depression and getting an apartment with a girl I met there. She hasn't talked to me much since the incident and I noticed when I came to get some of my stuff there were cop cars stationed near the entrance to our corner of the complex. When I got to the door she did that thing where you leave it chained while opening it and had this *look* in her eyes. I didn't do anything heinous, I just thought I was going to change the world and was dancing/walking and around the apartment grounds with headphones on and saying a bunch of nonsensical things which I guess is scary for other people, but I mean they weren't the ones who were lifted off the ground by some tiny dick rent-a-cop while handcuffed and having their arm twisted behind their back and dumped into a cold concrete box to spend the night in. She pretty much wanted me to leave for 10 days so she could "process", whatever that fuck that means. I've pretty much accepted that what we had is gone and as soon as I get out of this latest residential treatment center I've been funneled into I'll probably be taking my shit back to my parents house. My dad is a fairly severe alcoholic so that's fun. Oh, and since he moved our family across the country for a job when I was 10 my parents are literally the only family I have here, though I have two friends left from high school. Two months ago while my grandpa was dying he impulsively told his bosses he wouldn't be renewing his contract in February and is going to move back to the south where he's originally from. I'm not though and I really would rather not live there but it's increasingly starting to look like I will never have a life that actually belongs to me and I will always be forced to go wherever life wants me to.

On the other hand, I've had my sodium nitrite ready at a moments notice for months now and I'm seriously contemplating driving up to the mountains at 3am sometime before February and take it with some metoclopramide then. I'm completely fucked and this seems like the only way out. It's not like I have a super bright future to look forward to anyway.