I broke up with him for like the fifth time two weeks ago, and I've been distressed af and it's so weird. This is the first time I've been so in love with a guy but my fear of abandonment wouldn't let me fully trust him and I always felt like he didn't love me and would leave me . He also got very tired emotionally because of my crazy episodes and the stuff I told him that time . Crazy stuff— "I'll kill myself if you don't disappear from my life" "I hate you more and more everyday" and shit like that, I can't believe what made me say that. I did express how sorry I am for those words but still I don't want to reconcile because I don't wanna hurt both of us again. I feel too sad like I'm gonna break and fall down one day and the next day I feel totally fine and cool,  it's so strange. Right now I miss him so much and feel like I lost such a good loving person but I know I'll not feel the same later. It's so difficult, I hate myself . I am just gonna go no contact as it's better for us this way. I don't wanna go crazy again . Please help me I'm feeling so lonely and helpless.