Why do you guys feel life is worth living? I have a diagnosis of NPD and BPD and I’ve been having trouble accepting that my life is still worth living. My current therapist “doesn’t do diagnosis” but I know I have cluster B (typically cycling between presentations but usually more vulnerable). It is clear to me that this is the problem and I even had it confirmed by my previous psych when I asked him point blank. My current therapist is just trying to help me improve by not focusing on it and I really am doing my best to trust him, but I can’t stop myself from focusing on the fact that I have NPD and BPD. Anytime I try to shift my focus on my childhood like he wants (he is more into cPTSD angle which I get) when I remember that I have these issues I feel so deeply ashamed and embarrassed and like it is a cop out for me to ignore it. I always thought the point of life was to love each other and to try and make the world a more fair and equal place. The older I get, the more I realize that this is my disorders talking. My NPD tells me the world is not good and that I / everyone need to try and fix it even though it is an impossible task, and my BPD tells me the only point of life otherwise is to love others when really I should be loving myself. Ironically, i have a paraphilia for weight gain that makes it extremely difficult (impossible) for me to have fulfilling intimate relationships and enjoy normal sex. I have had many relationships but they have all been rough and I am unable to connect or get pleasure intimately which partners do not like long term even though I get them off physically. I also cannot in good faith have kids for obvious reasons, which makes me sad but I can handle that. I am beginning to realize that healthy people seem to be living life for the purpose of enjoying the moment, chasing dreams, and just being happy discovering and being who they are. I am not able to enjoy these activities as is. I am bogged down by constantly trying to fix myself so that I can do these things and blend in to live a normal life but the fight seems impossible. It is my understanding that particularly narcissism is not treatable and that my physical brain is wired to be this way and unlikely to change. My previous psych said yeah you meet criteria for NPD but we can’t do much to fix it and wanted to focus on other things instead. I don’t see what the point of living is if I am a narcissist. I am deeply disturbed by this and I hate myself for it even though I understand cognitively it is not my “fault” I feel it is my responsibility to fix. I am so bothered that i can’t fix it and humiliated to be this type of monster so I try and hide from the world but it is really hard to be so alone and ashamed all the time. I want to kill myself because I know I am a monster, but I don’t want to be selfish and killing myself seems like the most narcissistic thing I could do really which defeats the purpose. I am struggling to come up with a reason to live other than that it would be bothersome to others if I killed myself, but I also feel that my existence is harmful just being here sucking up oxygen and burdening others like some sort of monster. I am wondering what other people who have these disorders focus on as a reason to live or a purpose I guess in these circumstances and how you cope with accepting that narcissism is not possible to change? I’m sorry to ask this here, I tried posting on narcissist Reddit but they do not accept posts like this because they consider it harassment to refer to narcissism as a problem. I know there is a lot of overlap and a lot of people with dual diagnosis in cluster B so I just thought I’d see if anyone here has any advice.