I’d like to preface this by saying I do not have a BPD diagnosis, I just resonate a lot with this community. I don’t even know where to start with this because I have so much built up. So my best friend and I live 4 hours away from each other and thus I rarely get to see him. Anyway, whenever he posts pictures of him hanging out with his other friends I feel like he’s replacing me since they’re cooler than me and I’m just a socially awkward, severely mentally ill trans guy. 

When this happens, I confront him and say shit like “you replaced me when you promised you wouldn’t” (except much more aggressive and all caps) and “fuck you you were all I had left.” I’ve threatened to kill myself multiple times and attempted once. If I had access to alcohol and pills, I probably would have gotten drunk and overdosed on them multiple times. He has threatened to leave me more than once and whenever he does I start panicking and cut myself. The thing that set me over the edge before my actual suicide attempt was him saying he was going to join the military. Now, I can’t see anything about the military without having a panic attack and picturing him going and getting shot.

I’ve told him to kill me, that I should slit my wrists and bleed out, that he isn’t gonna have to worry about me soon. He keeps telling me to get help, but what’s the point? I don’t even know what’s wrong with me and there’s definitely no way i’ll ever be good enough for him.