(Tw for self harm, sexual assault and abuse.)

Since I was 13 I have liked my fp and it 
started off with such strong feelings and never died down. I wrote pages and pages about them and every little minor encounter I had with them. I saved the wrapper of the lolly he gave me on a school trip, saved the shirt he touched, became friends with everyone they were friends with, etc. 

After 6 months of liking them I had dated this girl who I didn’t feel to fond of but gaslit myself to love her anyways. It lasted a month when I cheated on her with said fp when I found out they were single. We had a sexual relationship (my first sexual partner at the age of 13) and started dating after 4 days. They S/A’d me a few days later whilst I was drunk but I didn’t think much of it. We argued everyday because I was so persistent to absorb 24/7 of their time I didn’t allow them to speak to friends or family and when they did I self harmed. To balance it out, we had sex every single day. I don’t like haven’t sex, I feel nothing but pain and discomfort whilst having it but I still continued to please them (consensually this time) and it was the most pain I had felt in my life. Plus the constant degradation I received made me go manic. I used to break down when I was alone and scream n cry until the thought of it got washed away. 

When the pandemic started, we were not able to talk every day due to us not being able to see each other and then being more busy with seeing and speaking to family. This made me self harm a even more and go slowly insane. I fell into a pattern of disordered eating and became really skinny. We dated for 6 months before they became tired of how obsessive I was and ultimately left. By then I was 14 and had stopped eating completely and that continued for the next 2 months.

Even whilst we were broken up I constantly messaged them and when I found out they were dating the same girl that broke up with them all that time ago, I had a break down and smashed a mirror and cut myself with it some more. 

3 months after we broke up, I found this boy that had the same interests as me and decided he was going to be the person I date to try get over them. Throughout that relationship, I never succeeded in replacing my fp with him and had an extremely toxic relationship with him. He had a plethora of mental illnesses and attempted to kill me by strangling me on a school bench. He also would not allow me to break up with him or anything if the sorts. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure he had bpd also. This relationship lasted 1 and a half years and I finally got out of it at the age of 16. My fp has also just been cheated on by the girl he got with after me. 

A week later, I reached out to  my fp for closure on everything and we ended up trying things again. Things were going great for the first 2 months and then it all went to shit again when I doubted them. They started to doubt them self and told me to me whilst they were figuring things out. Every time they were mad at me, I self harmed. When I saw they hanging out with their ex girlfriend I went home early and continued self harming until my arm went numb. I also overdosed a few times because of the same issue. 

Eventually, My mum sent me to the hospital where they referred me to even more counselling because I was labelled as a danger to myself. My fp asked why I went to the hospital and I accidentally blamed them for it although that was not my intention whatsoever and now they’re ghosting me. Sucks because I borrowed them my manga as well..