TW: self-harm
Today I was having a panic attack on and off since 3am. It's 12am now. Around midday boss snapped at me because I kept cutting off people and having side talks (unmedicated ADHD) and even though it was my fault I ran to the bathroom and cried. I managed to calm myself down for the rest of the meeting but when I went home I locked myself into the bathroom, sat on the floor, and was completely hysteric. My face kept making weird facial expressions on its own. I started talking out loud and stuttering, repeating words in my head and out loud for no reason and struggled to form sentences. I had the awfulest thoughts. I kept thinking about hurting myself and actually gouged my skin out with my nails. I cried a lot. Then I went into the shower and convinced myself that this is not normal and I must be faking it. I told myself I'm gonna be normal on the count of 3. And I was. I forced myself to just stop. Before I got out of the shower I sat on the ground in the shower and started singing to myself (little april shower from bambi). I went outside and interacted normally with my family but I feel hollow inside. I have therapy next Monday. I'm not normal and I don't know what's wrong with me.