I’ve posted on here before but here I am again. These dark thoughts won’t leave my head. I’ve been crying all day laying in bed. I’m so tired of trying, I’m 18 going to be 19 next month and ever since I was 12 years old I’ve been feeling this way. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so alone, because the only time I get attention is from men who want to have sex with me and that’s it. The other times I’m able to have a genuine social interaction is because the person doesn’t have anyone else to hangout with so I’m like their last option. Everyone slowly stops talking to me as time goes on, sometimes even faster. I’m trying to be okay. I care so much about people and maybe I just care too much. I can’t help but have so much anxiety and depression from the sexual abuse I endured as a teenager and watching my mom spiral out in addiction while my dad and stepmom do their own thing and make me seem like the bad guy. 
It’s so painful, like even recently I thought I made some new friends but now I’m being left on read or the responses are becoming short and closed. I hate it so much. I just want to feel love and have attention. Sometimes I fall for the trap and let a man use me just so I can feel like he loves me when he kisses and holds me until he finally cums. It hurts so bad, and I feel so disgusted with myself. I hate the fact that I catch feelings so easily for people that do not care about me. 
I’m just so so tired and don’t know what to do. I’ve attempted suicide in the past but panicked when I was nearing the end. I’m honestly considering taking 12 50mg Hydroxyzine and hoping it will lull me into an endless sleep. But I don’t know, my mind is a mess and I’m just tired of breathing.