alcohol is destroying me. i turned to alcohol as a way to cope from january and i've basically been drunk every  single day since. im finding myself downing a bottle of red wine a night then moving onto vodka. 

i also recently met a guy online who i obviously started crushing on and obsessing over. his voice, his mind everything about him i love. but because of my drinking i messed up. last night i told him that i had a crush on him and he said that i'd get over it eventually and he responded with well then ill move to jupiter after he said he was kidding but now i just have thoughts going through my head like ok wow he really does not like me. every man has always wanted to run away from me like this. do i just give off a bad aura or something? ive always tried to stay cool and be  myself, i think i put it on too much and need to chill. i really want him so bad though. after that, he went to go play some games with friends and i started to have a breakdown and got even more drunk. spent like an hour with my head down the toilet and falling asleep on the bathroom floor. eventually came back to my senses and messaged him asking that i needed to talk to him. i jsut needed reassurance. he makes me feel safe. but he said he was distracted and he'll talk to me after he's done gaming. so i got mad. i didn't say anything to him. i just got mad at myself and everything. saying things in my head like if i was so important to him, he would have quit gaming and talked to him if he cared. obviously he doesnt. came back to my senses again and apologized as always like a idiot. im now afraid he thinks im just insane. i need to stop drinking. i'm going to take a break tonight.