First off, I hope the flair is correct for this post haha.

I feel like my bf is too good for me. Sure, he's not perfect, but he still is very understanding and patient and tolerates my bullshittery a lot. But just about 20 mins ago, I kind of blew up on him. I kind of have a thing about updating each other about stuff we did. For e.g. when we finish showering, we'll usually give each other an update. My bf has poor memory so he forgets to update me sometimes when he reaches home etc. But I know he's really been trying. But I just can't help but blow up at him and get all upset whenever he forgets.

When he forgets to update me, it feels like he's forgetting about me. It feels like he doesn't care and love me anymore like??? Rationally, I know that's probably not true, but I still can't help but feel a lot of emotions. 

So he forgot to update me that he finished showering just now and went straight to gaming. I knew he was gaming because it said so on discord. He's sleeping right now because I told him to. I just... Feel he's too good for me. I feel so bad for blowing up on him. I know it's not his fault. But I just idhajdkfkds I wish I could just die and let him find someone better. I know he'll be happier that way. But I'm selfish. I want to be with him. I can't bear for him to leave me or vice versa. Though, I know we should just break up because I'm too toxic. I don't deserve him, but I can't leave him. I really hate myself. I wish I could just die