Hello schizophrenia community,
I'm really anxious today. Like to the point I can't stop crying the whole day...

So, I have a habit of writing my thoughts and feelings down when I have a breakdown or any sort of bad period AND I decided to get some of my notes that I have written out there to find if anyone relates or finds it useful in any way. Furthermore, I had a very long one today and ultimately composed a one long rant about it. Hope you find it interesting and maybe I'll find more confidence within myself to not be this anxious posting this right now.

                   (Date // time)
--------------- 07.31 //11.30 pm and 08.09 mixed ----------------

 I don't understand money, social norms, beauty, industry and what is fabricated by people.

I got back home from the trip (I visited my lovely sister) and when I got home it didn't feel safe or the "right" place for me to be. That makes me very anxious, also I still avoiding any questions related to driving since it induces a lot of panic and fear into my head. Because in the past I almost made a crash and that became like a PTSD-like reaction to cars, my instructor and driving itself.

I can't relax at home, it doesn't feel like I am happy here anymore no matter what happens or what I try to do to make it better. I'm not sure what to do. I am literally crying because of this paranoic anxiety that I can't shake off. Plus, I keep receiving pressure from news and my father and myself for not being good enough, not to mention that school is around the corner.
I have asked the question wether moving out and living alone fix anything...(if that were even an option) I don't know, maybe, maybe not.

I feel like my own mind will knock me off my feet. I started to be afraid of machines and technology, then I reduced my contact with people, until I started to fear even money and numbers.

Everything that encompasses art, music, the human interior, nature is closest to me. I cannot understand why people are so heartless, why they are so greedy, and why they drag their title even though they see the edge of the abyss. Is it personal shame that is formed as a social reaction to an abnormal everyday act towards society, or is society's fundamental rot a problem?

I would like to say that each of us is an individual striving for our own, but we cannot forget that we are social creatures and this does not distinguish us from other animals, even if we are or at least consider ourselves smarter and more advanced.
And especially the people sitting high up there in the pyramid, with a lot of money and power to rule the world, should stop counting money, but help those who don't have it or can't have it for one reason or another.

My goal is to endure another year at school and get my diploma, then do something so I wouldn't want to die every single day just because of my own thought process. 

                                  ----------End-----------

My hat goes off for you if you managed to read all of that and still read this line right here. There is so much more that has accumulated over the years but that still hurts to share, so I will end it here.

Sincerely, thank you and I'll be waiting your response in the comments &lt;3