I (36m) have struggled with depression and ADHD my whole life practically. 

3…maybe 4 years ago I felt like I was really firing on all cylinders and doing well at my job, enough to go to my boss and ask about a promotion, since in my opinion I was as good at my job as the guys who were a level above me.  He basically said no because I don’t have a “Positive can do attitude.”  OF COURSE NOT, I HAVE LIVED MULTIPLE FUCKING DECADES WITH MAJOR DEPRESSION!!!!!!!

Since then I have been barely scraping by at work, why do more than the bare minimum when my promotion prospects are so bad.  I’ve considered looking for a new job, but imposter syndrome leaves me afraid since I don’t feel good enough for the job I have much less a better one.

In …..fuck time is losing its meaning…….the December before COVID happened…..so something like December 1901(/s) ……I started to slip into the worst depressive episode I’ve had since HS (so like 16 years at that point I think).  I was self harming by punching myself in the leg until the leg was numb and my hand hurt like hell.  I did that because my wife had promised to commit me if I ever started self harming again.  I’ll be honest, what I wanted more than anything was to have a go at my wrists with something sharp!

Eventually I allowed her to talk me I to taking a medical LOA at work and check into an outpatient clinic.  Thanks to COVID all their non-group talk therapy had been cancelled (art, music, yoga therapies) but I didn’t find that out before checking in and taking my LOA, and I was stuck there because they wouldn’t fill out a return to work form unless I finished the program and work would hold my absences against me if they didn’t……..rock meet hard place.  Finally discharged and did a full round of TMS…..lucky me, I’m in the minority that got nothing out of it other than a badly deflated wallet.

That was 6 months ago, I still think about how I hate my life nearly daily, still want to self harm.  The only thing I’ve learned from the last year is that I need a better mask because the world doesn’t give a shit if I hate myself on the inside, they just care that I look normal , and the consequences of not doing so are professional setbacks and expensive but useless treatments……kind of a financial double whammy.

Anyways, this is a burner account, I just needed to vent while sitting in the corner of an empty meeting room trying not to cry