Faith works in twisted ways. About a year and a half ago I started smoking. After the first three months I was caught. I got slapped, offended, humiliated and ridiculed. I was told that I was nothing, a failure and that I would become a criminal or a homeless junkie. No one took my near perfect grades, paid internship and my succesfull job in regard. No one saw the hard work I was putting in. Because of one flaw every good thing did not exist anymore. A year later, this week on tuesday I got caught again. I used to smoke everyday behind my house and never got caught. But when I was working in another city. 80 kilometers from where I live I did get caught. After six hours of working non-stop, not even having lunch I decided to go outside for a smoke. I lock eyes with my mother, infront of the store. She made a scene right infront of where I work. I tried to calm her down so we could talk. She did not want to be confronted. She screamed at the top of her lungs that she was going to kill herself and stormed off. I called her 7 times, she never answered. I was confused, angry and felt like my life like I knew it was nigh and done. 

Half an hour later I get a text from my father. A man who abused me and my mother for 12 years physically and mentally. I spent a year after I got rid of my PTSD to build up a new relationship with him and my mother ruined it in two seconds. As I say, it comes walking and leaves on a horse. He told me that I was a failure, that I lost my manlihood and that I will end up as a failure. This man has never took his responsibility to be a father. And she still told him. He used to beat her when she was pregnant to the point when she nearly lost my brother and she still told him. I felt betrayed, she ruined al my hard work to build a healthy relationship with him. 

An hour before closing she came to my place of work. Insulted me and told me I did not have a mother anymore. I ignored all the toxic behviour and asked her to sit down and talk. She rushed off like a todler. Half an hour later she gave me an ultimatum. Smoking and losing my entire family or choosing to stop and live with them. I still couldn't explain why I smoked. No one heard my part of the story. She also made my younger siblings text me with hurtfull coments and the same ultimatum.

At that point I was boiling with rage. All the goddamn years of abuse, being a father to my siblings, supporting them financially and even skipping school to translate for my mother at appointments. Because of that I will be much older than the rest of the people that finish school at my age. But that was all forgotten that day.

Before I went home, I decided that I was done with this toxic behaviour. Either they accept me like I am right now or I'll leave. But when I came home, I was weak, I caved in because of the pressure they put on me. She made me even swear with my hand on a holy book that I won't smoke again. I never explained why I smoked. I'm weak and an embarassment to myself and everybody else. But at the end of the day I danced with the devil and that's why I can't be mad that I got burned.