I am so painfully lonely, so I have been signing up for meet up sites and trying to find like-minded people to connect to. I sign up for events and I get super excited. I like having SOMETHING to look forward to in my miserably repetitive life. But the hour right before I'm supposed to show up, my brain starts to kick in. "You won't like anyone there, anyway; No one likes you; you're annoying and the worst..." etc. And then it turns to dread. Fear. Anxiety. And the absence of that excitement I felt for the entire week prior. 

The depression always wins. Tonight's event started 30 minutes ago. I talked myself out of going... again. I'm so frustrated, angry at myself, and am at such a loss... I'm TRYING my best. I WANT to feel better! But it never goes away. 

I get so bitter and sad knowing that people can just DO things because they want to. Are these people having fun? Why can't I have fun? Why can't I just be happy for once? I'm just a poor excuse for a human. I want to disappear forever and I can't stop feeling like I need to cry... but I can't. I can't stand this disease. I can't stand being alive.