I feel too much pain to live but I could never imagine hurting my parents like that because I'm the only thing in their lives, my relationship with my emotionally abusive dad had actually gotten better in the past few years but it's not so much of an upside because now, not only do I live in constant fear of losing my mum because she's the only thing making me feel loved and understood and supported right now, I also fear losing my dad immensely. All three of us live separate and life is difficult for all three of us. They make such sacrifices for me to be successful every day but they're just pouring money down the drain because I'm incapable of doing anything on my own whatsoever. I don't want to be unhappy and I don't want to hurt my parents. I often fantasize about killing both of them and then myself and it brings me so much relief that I won't be the catalyst of all misery in the family where there's just cycles of chaos and depression, but my parents can't separate and live their happy lives because of me. Idk man wish we could just get hit by a truck and die all together in an instant. 