So I'm done with trying meds for now because I always relapse. I wanted to try CBT specifically ERP but I think my OCD is stopping me. Here's how it's going in my mind:
If I seek help and go through ERP, I will forever be convinced that I actually did something while I know I didn't. The thoughts keep insisting that ERP will turn me to this cheating liar who is okay with deceiving their partner and I'm genuinely afraid of just believing I'm guilty when I'm not.
It's funny because OCD is the reason why I feel guilty. Even after confessing to my partner and everyone I know. Even after everyone insisted that I'm not guilty, I still have to keep the memories fresh in my mind because just forgetting and living my life with vague memories without rechecking every 10 seconds gives me anxiety.
I guess what I'm aiming at is just some encouragement. I really want to get better and I know from experience that if I don't seek help OCD will just take a new form, a new fear.