I know i need to decide myself but i feel like shit and im stuck. My morals on one hand tell me to go and try to just keeping it tf together and on the other to stay the fuck away because if I’d come there i would probably have a meltdown and be a burden for everyone else there and screw things up because of my emotional state.
But i feel like if i can’t even do this for my grandpa what am i worth. It’s already devastating that he had to die alone because of COVID but why do i have to be like this, not being able to even properly sent him off or keep it together for him, just feels so bad, i feel like i am bad.
Please help me if you happen to now a way to stay calm or to avoid a panic attack,or if i should just stay away.
Right now im trying with things like controlling my breathing or pressing my fists and thumbs but it just works to end things quicker rather then avoiding it all together 

Thank you in advance, and please have a great day