
Tw for mentions of eating disorders, selfharm and suicidal thoughts 
 
I really need to get this out of my system and i have noone i can talk to about this. 
Now buckle up, this is gonna be a long rant ish post 
After many years of struggling with anxiety, depression and various eating disorders i was diagnosed with BPD. At first i was relieved, finally, i thought to myself, my issue has a name. But then i started questioning myself, why did i develop BPD, why me, what happened that led me to developing it etc etc.


 I knew that i have dealt with rather shitty things growing up, i was bullied and mistreated by my peers, my parents were definitely far away from being good at parenting etc etc but only recently i realised how bad it actually is. During my recent therapy session my therapist told me that it seems like i struggle from pretty bad emotional and parental neglect/emotional abuse, partially from the hands of my peers but also as a result of being raised by two shitty parents. This all resulted in me developing rather strong behavioral schemes that have ruined a lot of my platonic and romantic relationships.

But also my mother kinda ruined all my dreams. I am not exaggerating. Currently i am an English major, before that i studied film. Did i ever want to do any of these two things? No, i wanted to study something either art or music related (i have dreamed of being a music producer since i was 15) my mother never took any of my desires or dreams seriously, when i approached her about me studying music production or audio engineering she laughed it off and told me to be "realistic". Whenever i would bring anything music or art related up my mother would brush it off or throw a tantrum. 
I have been trying to teach myself all these things but i have succumbed to pressure, anxiety and the occasional hardcore depressive episode. Currently i am asking myself why i even bother to keep going with university, i never wanted to study English, the only reason i signed up is because its the only subject i didnt despise in high school and was also actually good at (i had really bad grades the entirety of middle + high school due to my mental health problem rearing its ugly head since as early as i was 12)

I am so miserable and sad, i still live with my parents because i really need their money for therapy and other doctors visits (life also blessed me with a few serious health problems). I don't know what to do, i am so angry at my mother for never giving me a chance to prove myself in an art related field and now if i want to make it i will have to do everything myself while also studying at university and being severely emotionally unstable. But also i am mad at my mother for so many other things. She noticed that i wasn't "doing well" long before i had my first really hardcore depressive episode. I had pretty bad insomnia since the second year of middleschool, i struggled with stomach and chest pains because of anxiety and also i literally had no friends. She knew all these things, she saw my grades take a nosedive and instead of talking to me about it she decided to shame me for being "lazy", not working "hard enough". She tried to "help" me with math but instead she ended up scarring me for the rest of my life because of her temper tantrums. It literally took me to develop anorexia and drop a third of my body mass in a few months for her to realise that something aint right. (Fun fact, my dad still denies me ever having anorexia despite me literally getting professionally diagnosed with it when i was 16 haha) 

But regardless of all this, it took her another few months and a few really "bad" weeks from my side where i just wouldn't get out of bed and or not be able to stop crying for many hours for her to finally reach out to a therapist. Also this was around the time i started to develop my first crushes but i could never talk to her about it because of how painfully homophobic she is. I went through a pretty bad heartbreak in early 2019 to a point where i relapsed but i still couldn't talk to her about it. At this point i slowly started to emotionally distance myself from my parents, i started hanging out with them less, whenever they are  home i spend most of my time in my bedroom or outside,i barely talk to either of them (mostly because of self preservation). Currently they have no idea what i am going through, neither of them know that i had my worst suicidal episode in mid 2020 where i genuinely almost killed myself multiple times, none of them know that i have been also struggling with pretty bad selfharm since i was 15. I am currently going to therapy and this has to be the best therapist i have gotten simply because all other therapists weren't a fit for someone with bpd. My mother still doesn't know about my diagnosis, i am not even considering to tell my dad (he has horrible anger problems and an inability to communicate) 
But yet again, i am tired and i am so angry and miserable. I don't know why i wrote all this, i am just really sad and i dont know what i should do. I have friends now but i still constantly fuck up relationships and end up cutting off people because i fear them leaving me, i also feel like i do not fully emotionally connect with anyone. I will probably delete this later, i just hope someone can offer me advice how i can better deal with all this