I’m just fucking pathetic. I can’t experience any joy at all anymore, it’s been years since I felt anything resembling happy. Everything just turns to shit and now every thought I have is either about something I’ve lost or a gateway to it.

I still have conversations in my head with the only person I’ve ever considered a friend of mine, a girl who I eventually fell in love with and she didn’t feel the same way and now for that reason and various others, we don’t really talk anymore. It’s been 2 years since I’ve even seen her in person. And I guarantee-fucking-tee you she be creeped the fuck out if she knew how much I still think about her, how much I miss her. Hell, anyone would think I was fkn creepy. It’s just so fucking pathetic that it’s been that long and I still can’t get past her. I’ve tried making other friends, even had opportunities to date other girls but the reality is I fucking hate people. As lonely as I am, I’ve ghosted everyone I’ve ever met except her because I just can’t stand having constant people in my life, I dunno why, it just stresses me the fuck out. I don’t know why she was different but she was, I’ve never found anyone like her before or since. Think I’m too jaded now anyway. Think I’d rather turn it down rather than go through this shit again.

Probably good that she wasn’t interested though. Gave her a good out to get away from what I’m sure was a very stressful friendship. Plus a relationship would’ve only been worse and I’m glad I didn’t put her through that at least. She deserves better than me, even though the thought of her being with someone else feels like it’d tear my heart out. But yeah, that’s also jealousy I guess which only gives another compelling reason why I shouldn’t have relationships period. Rather spend the rest of my life miserable over her than inflict myself on her like that. Also means she never saw all my self-harm scars. She saw some of them, some are hard to hide, but it’s the ones all over my chest and back and upper arm that I think are the most confronting and really show just how mentally weak I am. Not a good way to appear in front of someone you admire. 

I’m just pathetic in every way that counts.