This happens to me occasionally.  I will describe it as correctly as possible. It's 2 50 am here, and it's happening to me rn. 



Circumstances: might return to college soon which gave me a lot of anxiety but this happened hours back, have an assignment to complete and I am running out of time but not particularly stressed, I actually love college and academics, I dozed off for 5 minutes some time back, saying because dozing off and naps have the worst effect on my mood and made me feel detached from reality. 




The feeling: 

It comes on suddenly.  I never ever see it coming. And out of the blue, it's all over me like a blanket. I don't know how to describe this feeling. Idk what I am feeling rn, I have no term for it. I can't recognize it. 




I can almost taste bitterness inside my mouth. And yes, there is this vague bitterness about me when this happens. I am bitter and resentful about something.  About what? I have no clue. 



My heart is beating faster. Trouble breathing  slightly. 



I feel extreme disconnected from my reality. Everything feels surreal, like a dream. Am I half asleep yet? Am I trapped in my head? Is this real? I have zero clue. It feels like a trance. I can hardly process anything around me, even tho technically I can use my senses. It's like my brain has stopped perceiving reality. There is this detachment, distance between me and the material world. I don't feel real. 



I don't feel any emotion. Yet, it's extremely,  extremely  unpleasant. I am so bitter and ugly and monstrous and unhappy and nothing will ever set me right and nobody will ever completely get me no matter how bad I try to explain. Do I even exist ? 



I have had this experience before as well. In a classroom, in the train, at random places. Hardly any pattern. But yeah, naps always mess me up. I lose touch with reality. 


I just feel so fucking unhappy when this happens. So bitter. And for what? No clue. I can't even force myself to cry. 




I hate BPD. I am so sick in the head. I deny 24*7 , but there's no use pretending to be a happy healthy young woman. I am completely exploited and ruined and everything's so unnecessarily painful and twisted inside my head. I wish I found a way out of my mind.