For quite some time now I have become obsessive about morality. I used to be big into philosophy and I found a disproof of free will. In line with this, I arrived at a mental version of fairness: that everyone deserved a life of equal quality/happiness. That everything people got in terms of quality of life was just luck, because they could not have done differently nor anyone else.

For example, the man who became happy from working out was hingent on him being someone who, through the working of his mind and its interactions with its surroundings would naturally guide him to coming to believe that working out would be good for him and him being someone who had the mental motivation to do so i.e. it did not have a high enough mental cost to avoid him from doing the behavior. I can quite literally provide an explanation to anything anyone does that will tie it back to luck.

So I applied my idea of fairness and starting speaking to others about it, but it seems people rejected it. They told me that this was just my version of fairness, that it is meaningless to them. They even proposed that my idea of fairness results from the place in society that I exist in. Ever since that moment I have gone crazy.

I have obsessed about this topic, fearing that my strong sense of empathy/"fairness" is because I am weak and poor. That morality does not exist. That even if I wanted to be fair it would only feed those who do not to have equal power as me and then use what I give them in sympathy to dominate me. That I cannot trust people truly and know their thoughts no matter what actions I observe from them and that everyone is potentially the sociopath trying to dominate me and manipulate me into sympathizing with them. That when i sympathize i make myself weak and make it easier for evil people to kill me.

I lose my mind in thoughts, grasping onto topics and getting lost in endless analysis that goes nowhere and produces seemingly nothing. Thought experiments ten fold that waste my life away in analysis paralysis. I have no friends and cannot hold conversation nor know what conversation is about. I do not believe friends exist anymore and am suspicion of everyone i meet or talk to.

This is now going on year 4 or 5. It is consuming my life. I detach from my surrundings during any down time, unsure of how to interact with the world anymore. My head often hurts and I feel confused and unsure of what i am thinking about anymore. I obsessively tell myself "what was i thinking about" to get back to it, to avoid the detachment from my surroundings and the nothingness.

I have regular panic attacks and worried I will be murdered frequently.

I am quite literally going insane.