I've had the feeling for years that eventually I would kill myself. But despite it all I try so fucking hard to get my life together. I worked my ass of at my job and did great, I'm a fulltime college student and I'm just short of a 4.0 GPA, I'm better off financially than probably almost anyone else my age, I get along great with my parents and they're so proud, I'm graduating in a couple of months and then am returning to school in the Fall. Things look so fucking good. 

The thing is, it all feels like it doesn't actually matter. I really wish it did. I used to be a huge slacker because of my mental illness and I failed at everything. I didn't have a job, had no money, wasn't in school, I completed high school years late after a track record of almost failing every single class, and I spent years doing absolutely nothing. But I decided I wanted to work my ass off and get better. So I did, and I still am. But with each achievement it just feels like it doesn't matter. I don't feel the joy I expect to feel when I meet a big goal that I worked hard for. I feel happy seeing my parents eyes light up with pride but aside from that, I just don't get any real satisfaction from anything and it's crushing...

My therapist encouraged me for years to push forward despite my doubts, and negative thoughts holding me back. I listened, and I've been doing it along with countless other things to manage my illness' for all these years. Here I am, and it doesn't change anything. I'm a "functioning" member of society now and I still feel like my days really don't mean much. I live for my parents, and my dog. I don't give a fuck about having friends, a partner, or anything. My parents and my senior dog are truthfully the only things that make me get up in the morning. If I lost them all I would just end it for myself because there would be no point anymore. My parents aren't getting any younger, and my dog's health is on very shaky ground. I've tried to build bonds with over people. Friends, family but it just doesn't happen. It's not that I can't build a relationship, the bond just isn't there for me even if the people I'm around care for me. 

It truthfully feels like these are the three relationships I have that keep me alive and they're just not replaceable in any way. If I lose my dog, getting another dog won't matter. I know this because I've had other dogs and this is the only dog I feel this way about. And obviously no one could ever replace my parents. I just want everyone else to leave me the fuck alone in my life. I just don't know why I feel like this and I think I'm just never going to be okay, everything I've worked for is just for the sake of my parents. There's just something wrong with my head and I'm starting to think that I will never change that.