Hi, I'm Austin, this is my first post here, but far from my first time feeling self hatred. I use sarcasm and humor to mask things, so if my future posts seem comical, that's why. My wife and I both have BPD, and I have ADHD as well. Fun fact, I actually have Asthma and ADHD, and when someone has both, the medical terminology for that is "God's funny experiment."

Now that introductions are out of the way, here's some backstory.

I became homeless, on my own, when I was 18, in Texas. My dad heard about what happened and had me move in with him for the first time in my life. I moved up to Oregon and I was all alone. I started working out, I was working 3 jobs, I did everything to distract myself from the fact that everyone was nowhere near me. I would stay up for days at a time because I didn't like the few minutes before sleeping where my mind would wander. I would go out and smoke on my street corner and sing, and that was the only outlet I had. I met this kid, let's call him Deadpool, cause I can't think of anything else right now. He was about 15 when I met him. He caught me singing, and I say caught because I don't sing in front of people because I'm always scared of people telling me I'm terrible. Anyway, he caught me, liked my singing, and he asked to bum a smoke. We started talking and we were both vibing off each other, I thought he was cool, he thought the same I guess. For months that was our nightly ritual, and I found out over time he was a foster kid, since he was super little. Eventually I started taking him to work out with me, and we started writing together, little by little. I started to forget how alone I was, and I was able to relax. My dad rarely saw me, but the times he did, he even noticed that I was happier. For about a year, we would smoke at night, I would go to work, take him to the gym, and the day would repeat. He was my best friend. I met a girl who became my wife, things were going great. Then he landed in juvie, because a foster parent blamed him for something she did. I didn't see him for 2 months, and in that time, I decided that I would make sure he was taken care of whenever I had the opportunity to. Fast forward 3 months and I got an offer to move out to Nevada for a job. I took it and I had to leave him behind, with the mindset that if I make enough money, I could take care of him. My wife and I talked it over and we decided we would adopt him once his probation was over so that he could leave the state, and so that we could see him in the event of an emergency. We talked it over with him and he was happy about it. I've been working six days a week, twelve hours a day to get the money to get him down here. He hit's us up and said "I don't think I'm gonna come down, I met a girl." She's in her 30's and he is 17. My wife and I have been stressing about this for months, losing sleep, and sanity, only to be told "Nah fam, I'm gucci." I honestly don't know what to do/say. I know I'm only a few years older, but I legit considered this kid to be my son. My wife is hurt, and I honestly have had the weirdest cocktail of rage, depression, apathy, and suicidal thoughts that I haven't felt since my last major breakup. I lost my Texas best friend last year because he became a militant vegan and was on my ass about eating mostly meat all the time. I lost another friend because I "didn't do enough for him" after I offered to let him move in to escape an abusive situation. I keep losing people that I care about, that I have protected and taken care of, and I'm sick of it. Which sucks, because doing things for the people I care about is the only thing that makes my depression go away.

If you stuck around this long, go out and buy yourself a cookie, if you were near me, I'd buy it for you, but either way, you earned it. Do y'all think I'm fucked in the head for being this upset? Or does this seem like a natural reaction. Also, what's your favorite color? Mine's purple.