This is my first post here, and it's mostly gonna be me venting about recent events. I'm sorry for venting, and this is probably going to sound very whiny or annoying, and VERY rambly, please forgive me in advance. Around mid-October, 2019, I had found a relationship that, for the first time of all prior relationships, felt real; someone I felt like I could be myself around, and act like myself with. It went really well for two or so months, and I legitimately felt like things in my life were starting to look up, or something like that. I had been in a handful of relationships before, but like I said this one actually felt different to me, like I actually cared deeply this time. It was really intense and passionate for a brief time, but they had their own problems and issues to deal with. I worry deeply, I'm very anxious about losing people in my life, since it happens a lot. And when I worry, I start to get overbearing, and this had pushed away most of my former friends at this point Then around mid-December, she had gone into a depressive phase, and wasn't returning my texts. The amount of worry in my head just got so overwhelming I sent them a long message, essentially asking "Is this gonna work out, I need a yes or no." and looking back at the context of the situation, it just wasn't the right thing at the time, and was totally stupid of me. I had noticed myself getting more and more clingy, and them growing more and more distant over the past few weeks. We broke it off that night, and I felt like the most empty thing in the world, for a few weeks. It ended with something like "we want different things in this relationship" which I can't help but feel was just a way to let me down easy. 

After a few weeks the loneliness started to get to me, I was missing them deeply, so I sent a dumb text asking if they wanted to get back together, no reply, and I'm not saying that they owed me anything, it just cut really deep. I come to find that they had moved on, and I hadn't, which just hurt even more. These past couple weeks I've been cycling through frustration at the situation I put myself in, intense pains of missing those really intense but short good moments, and anger that she moved on so easily. The anger, I realize, is stupidly unfair of me, after all they're a person too, with their own feelings, I should be happy they didn't take it hard. I tell myself I should be happy it didn't end hard, but the lack of communication just kills me inside, I feel this massive pit in my heart. I try to make myself feel better by saying that this whole relationship taught me a lot about myself, which it did. That good memories are good memories, whether or not they're gone. But, I still fall back into sudden slumps of sadness anyway.

The worst part is that I cycle through all these emotions almost hourly, one minute I can feel fine, and the next it's empty, angry, frustrated, or lonely. I feel like I lost something really good, one of the best things I've had, by being too clingy, and the feeling that there's nothing I can do about it is taking its toll. I've struggled with depression, loneliness, pushing people away for most of my life, and right now more than ever I feel alone. I show up to work some days, and just sit there not doing anything, which is stupid 'cause I've got one of the most enjoyable and rewarding jobs in the world (in my opinion at least, childcare). My coworkers have started to notice this too, and they ask me if I'm feeling alright, and I tell them I am, but I know I'm not. I mean, how can I tell someone I don't feel real, that I feel like a shell, without them thinking I'm some kind of psycho? I'm 20, about to turn 21, and I feel like I really have nobody I can talk to anymore, God forbid my parents should find out about this, I've hid it from them fairly well for a while, but even now they're starting to notice.

 (If you suicidal thoughts hurt you in any way, please skip this part) When I was younger, I used to get these intrusive thoughts, "Jump off this ledge, let go of the steering wheel and shut your eyes, etc. etc." but these last couple years they seemed to go away, only popping up occasionally. Meeting this girl, I found that when they did pop up, they weren't so drastic or hateful, even being kind of nice like, "You shouldn't go home today, you should just drive off somewhere far away, somewhere nice, a place you've been meaning to see." Feeling that way made me realize that something about this person I was with was making me happier. But now that it's gone, those old intrusive thoughts are back, and even stronger than ever. The other day I was staring at a razor blade, telling myself to stop being a coward and do it. Worst was the old faithful, "Crash this car into a wall" but this time I nearly did it, it was the closest I'd come to actually going through with one of these thoughts and I'm still fucking terrified because of it. 

I didn't even know what BPD was until recently, ironically it was the girl I was with that first started telling me about it, as well as a few other people I've been talking to about my feelings with online. I'm not one for self-diagnosis or anything like that, but looking back at a lot of times in my life through this lens puts a lot into perspective for me. I've been thinking about seeing a counselor about this kind of thing, but that's scary in its own way, and I don't want family (whose insurance I'm on) finding out about it, for a handful of reasons I don't feel comfortable getting into. 

Again, I apologize for ranting, rambling, whining, and so on, but I feel better putting these feelings in the air instead of bottling them. Thank you, if you read this far even if you just skimmed, it means a lot to me that you took time to listen.