So a little background on what's going on in my life. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety. I went on medication for a while, and was able to develop coping mechanisms and ween myself off of it. I have been able to manage it pretty well for the better part of two years. 

Now to the reason I am posting. Currently going through a really difficult time. In 2020 my girlfriend of almost two years got really sick and found a large lump in her neck. After a year of finally trying to figure out what it was in January of 2021 she had massive open chest surgery to remove a large tumor. She was diagnosed with cancer, and underwent treatment. We had moved in together the year before. Needless to say her family didn't help at all, and I ended up being the primary care taker. At the end of 2021 she finished treatment and is in remission. However are relationship dynamic changed completely. We also grew very dependent on each other in an unhealthy way. A lot of this was due to the fact that her family didn't help at all and I was left doing literally everything. 

We got to the point where she wanted to end the relationship. At the end of 2021 I left my contractor job before the end of my contract to take a full time position at a company that was basically a dream job. Thinking this would help us, and help me at the very least. March of this year I lost my job unexpectedly. And my girlfriend and I talked and we are deciding to split up. 

Currently have been applying to jobs but it feels very demoralizing. Not only that, but my girlfriends family sucks, and she is going through the emotions at realizing how shitty they are as she moves back with them. There are times where I want to get back together with her and times where I don't. And then rhe jobs I hear from are ones I don't really want but I have bills to pay. 

Not only that but the anxiety has come back hard. I pushed away a lot of mental concerns I had when Zhe got sick. I was looking to get a therapist within my old jobs health insurance network to help me deal with this, however I lost the job before that could happen. I workout, clean, and try to do my hobbies but the anxiety is bad. I'm paranoid about dying, worrying about being a stay at home child with no job leaching off of my parents. And I'm scared about my most recent relationship and if I am making a mistake. Needless to say the anxiety is turning into depression, and I'm wanting not live. 

I don't want to kill myself, I never had, but I always knew when my anxiety would get bad cause these thoughts would show up. Not to mention the physical effects are hitting me hard. I just need some advice or guidance that things will be okay.