For background, I (19F) was only officially diagnosed with BPD around a year ago, but have struggled with symptoms for as long as I can remember. One of the symptoms that causes the most trouble for me is low impulse control. If I have money in my bank account, for example, I feel almost helpless not to spend it, which of course has led to me being unable to pay for real expenses later on. I also make poor/impulsive decisions in my relationships, academically, and in many other areas of my life. 

For me personally, I feel that I know what choices are the right ones that will make me the happiest/most successful later on. I know I should save my money, that I should go to class, that I should think before I text someone an emotional paragraph about something small, etc. I know all of these things intellectually, but I feel sometimes like I don’t have the capacity to do them. I feel like there is a  concrete wall between my sense of logic and my actions. 

When I’m in a mental health slump (I also struggle with anxiety, depression, and ADD), it gets especially bad. Lately I have felt completely incapable of caring about the impact of my actions until I face the consequences for them, and even then I don’t learn my lesson and repeat the same behavior. Always spending money as soon as I get it on things I don’t need or that I could’ve waited for, starting a fight with my partner over something that I know I won’t care about tomorrow, actively choosing to ignore my responsibilities, etc. I have probably a hundred planners and budgets and phone reminders that are supposed to keep me on track, I just can’t get myself to care about any of them. My highest priority at all times is immediate pleasure/comfort. I only feel regret when my current state is uncomfortable due to previous choices I made (i.e. when I can’t eat because I spent my food money on clothes). 

I was wondering if others who struggle with this have any advice? Or could share a similar experience? 

All the advice articles I’ve read are by psychologists or from other outside perspectives, and they talk as though no one with BPD or bipolar is cognitively aware of what they’re doing. I know what I’m doing, I just can’t make myself stop, and that’s what’s scary to me. I feel crazy all the time. I’m worried that I’ll never be able to be a productive member of society if I stay like this.

I’m probably being overdramatic. If anyone has any tips on self-discipline you think would be helpful I would appreciate it :) 

TL;DR - looking for advice on how to not constantly fuck my own life up for a minute’s worth of serotonin