As long as I can remember, I’ve never really felt true empathy. For example, last week at school, a kid jumped off the second floor (all the wings are detached and only one has a second floor) in a sewerslide attempt. He lived, broke both ankles and i think his neck. Apparently he’d gotten caught cheating and his parents are like borderline cps strict so he kinda had a breakdown. Everyone was so shook up about it, one girl said she saw him (not the jump, just him laying there w the EMTs) and almost had a panic attack. It happened 4th hour, she was still spooked by 7th.

I remember when I finally got wind of what happened at lunch, my first thought was, “He really thought that was gonna do the trick?” Not “Oh shit” or “I wonder if he’s okay.” In fact, I was disappointed when I learned he didn’t die. Speaking of disappointment, whenever I’d learn about some mass loss of life, like natural disasters, when I hear the death toll, my first thought is almost always “only that many?” Even when I learned about the Holocaust, I tried so hard to visualize 6+ million people dead/dying, but I didn’t feel anything. Even when i saw the concentration camp footage.

I have homicidal daydreams constantly. I make plans and shit and how I would get away with it. I’d try to imagine the power I’d hold over them, knowing their life was solely at my mercy. I 100% plan on putting myself in dangerous situations when Im older simply for the excuse of self defense. However, I’d never hurt animals, not even bugs (except wasps. fuckers.)

On the other hand, I overthink everything and constantly think Im a burden or being watched, judged. Hell, I can’t even turn around in the hall without checking my phone and pretending to get a text. The anxiety mostly came from a toxic/verbally abusive friendship where she judged literally every little thing I did. She trained me to hate everything about myself and be afraid of what ppl think of me. 

Now is my home life horrible? No, my dad did pretty much everything above hitting us, my mom criticizes something about me everyday, in fact, I’m repulsed by both of them.

Is it BPD? I have no idea, I just want opinions/insight.