As my life near it’s end, the soul wonders what could’ve been different. Others have this habit of saying old souls must withstand times ocean tides. But when will the waves within my brain ever subside? If at all? Though this urge to go quietly, refuses to die- without taking me, it decided to hold me captive. I belong to it for whatever reason that may be. Sleep is no long restful and this feeling of haunting everything is eternal- I yearn to be ripped from the fog. Depression is already so painful, but when you begin allowing it to best you, that is agony in its rawest from. 

“I’m happy” is what I hope to believe when I finally let go. That’s how it should be- truly. Prioritizing our happiness and well-being. It’s winning everyday and I’m so alone. Feeling unloved and distant from myself and everyone else. There are glimpses when I force myself to believe in the power of improvement. I still proceed to hold onto the power of hope. But I still fixate I’m being the sickest/weakest person in the room. Because I fail at being the healthiest, smartest and strongest person. It could be as simple as needing to be loved in bountiful amounts. Ironically, I would jump for a manic high. To feel something more than blatant emptiness would be a relief; that’s all there is now. 

Undoubtedly, I’m failing to be a good person because of my selfish need to love and then detach. If they don’t abandon me, I have to do so. I’d never tell anyone else I know that is struggling- I think suicide is the cure an secret for mental illness when nothing else has worked. I always feel so out of touch from reality, it’s like a dream that hides me in mist. When the bathroom swallows me whole or, worse my thoughts do that instead. I’ve lost meaning and especially sense in my existence. Pull me out of the fog, keep me from the mist. More than anything, it’s a pain tolerance. I hurt more to withstand the creation of the numbness. Then when it becomes unbearable, I’m losing and perish. Don’t tell me how simple fixing it is because, I’ve paid dozens of professionals to provide answers and insight. I’m just too foolish to take the advice. Because the only thing stronger than all of this, is my fear.