(English is not my first language sorry!!)

hi everyone, for context im 19 F and just finished my first year in uni. I was misdiagnosed with depression at 16 and was medicated for it until I stopped taking them during quarantine in 2020, as a result, I barely remember my high school years because of it and was numb that whole. 

I graduated high school that same year and had to take a gap year because of financial issues during that gap year my mental health got worse, and that's when I saw a different psychiatrist/therapist and got diagnosed with BPD, but I ignored them and moved to another country to start uni. (2021)

now almost a year later I fucked up my whole life, I failed my first year of uni, I still need to retake 6 exams next year, I have a nicotine addiction even tho I used to hate cigarettes, and I can't get a job, I'm broke and keep spending money I don't have on weed or clothes, fucked up my relationship with all of my old friends and I know my new friends can't tolerate me anymore, started sh again, I feel like I'm going crazy, I have no sense of time, I'm always dissociating and the only solution I can think of is suicide. 

I've tried to get better for so many years, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense I can't imagine myself being 21 or any older. I know life is temporary and we have to enjoy it but if it's bound to end I have no desire to keep trying, I don't know how to fix my life.