TW:near death experience /drowning/ mentions of suicidal thoughts/ED 

Side note: I am extremely open with my support system. They know exactly how I feel so no one is in the dark about this. I am safe and I am not in any danger. 

About a year and a half ago I ended up with crippling anxiety and panic disorder and now I don’t know who I am. 

Pre Covid my life was the polar opposite of how I live now. I had a big group of friends I would see often, was in school full time, and traveled on a plane or road trip almost every weekend. I was extremely self sufficient at a young age. Though I was still a minor at this time I lived on my own and supported myself (very unique situation but I had a great relationship with both parents though one had their own family and the other lived too far away for me to stay with them full time and live my life in the city where I’m from). Either way I was very independent and loved it. Couldn’t wait to be on my own and have a routine. I looked forward to graduating and working full time and was finally excited about life. I have struggled with periods of severe depression through my childhood and teens because of some past trauma growing up but regardless I felt really good for the first time. 

Around March of 2020 when the pandemic hit is when everyone’s lives really changed including my own. School was online and was awful. I didn’t go to college so I didn’t have similar class work. My “zoom classes” required me to be on camera on an iPad 8 hours a day in my own home. We wouldn’t get credit or would loose hours if they couldn’t see our faces(my school was hour based attendance). I rarely left my apartment during March-May. I spent my birthday alone for the most part because of social distancing. Started getting very depressed again, though I was seeing a therapist regularly again starting in April of 2020. Being alone and bored with little social interaction for so many months was hard. There was obviously not much to do around the city so I spent my time in class 9-5/5 days a week. 

That May I had my first real panic attack. Me and few out out-of-state friends who had all been on lockdown decided to go to my friends beach house to have a going away party for a friend who was moving out of the country and another moving to the opposite coast. Covid restrictions were lifted in our states but we obviously still used safety precautions two weeks prior and while together (no one ended up sick). Anyway my friends were going to pick me up so we could all drive together to the beach. There was about 5 of us and we had to drive an hour out of the way to grab the 6th person. When they got to my house and I loaded my stuff up I ran inside quick with an excuse because I felt like I was going to be sick. I could breath and I did end up throwing up before I texted the friend I was closest to letting them know what happened.  We told the others to go ahead and we were going to take my car instead. I just had this bad  feeling in my gut. 

While we were there it was fine until I nearly drowned. It was terrifying. I have never felt that feeling before. The one where you think you’re about to die. I’ve been suicidal before and it’s always in the back of my mind but actually experiencing a situation that you can’t control where you could die is very different. Death became real to me. All I could think about was the call my mom was going to get from the police or whoever that I had drowned. Me and my friends were okay but shaken up. Thank god for life guards, I wish I could thank whoever saved me personally. Naturally that experience haunted me and I don’t think I’ll ever swim in the ocean again. 

Back home, school went in person shortly after this in June. I was really struggling with depression again at this point but it was natural for me since I’ve dealt with it for so long. But the anxiety was new. Leaving the house was harder. Later that month a family member who was extremely close passed away. We saw it coming but it was still really hard. I took a personal leave from school that summer which ended up lasting until around Christmas because you only get 6 months before you’re expelled (I eventually had to drop out because I was missing so many days because of my anxiety). Every time I left my house it was harder and harder. I started having regular panic attacks at work and would have to leave early. I felt really alone and convinced myself that this year was finally the year that I would go through with it. I even wrote a long letter on my laptop just in case (I never had any means of attempting even if I wanted to, I don’t have the guts for it to be honest). The world seemed to be in shambles and I really felt it.

 One panic attack I had during that summer was when I was driving home across state from a family member’s house. I had to pull over many times on the interstate because I felt like I was going to be sick. This trend continued and got worse. Normally I loved driving and this was never an issue for me. I had just done a 10 hour road trip earlier in the year. So why was this becoming so hard? 

Everything I did became really hard to do. I am so scared of everything. I went from never being home because of work/school/friends/etc. to never leaving my house. I always felt very physically ill too. I could barely eat because I would just get sick. Doctors never figured out why. It felt like I had food poisoning 24/7. I was a healthy person too. I eat very healthy food because I’m not a fan of junk food and I drink a lot of water. I think it has something to do with my anxiety but still not sure. 

Fast forward to the present, about a year later. I almost never leave my house. The only time I do is when my parents take me to doctors appointments or maybe grocery shopping though now you can order online so I don’t have to if I don’t feel like it. I always try to go In person to get my self out of the house but it takes me all day to psych my self up to finally go. I lie awake all night in bed until morning when I finally pass out from exhaustion around 9 am and sleep for a few hours. I usually nap at some point in the evening because I get headaches or just need a break from this feeling. Depression is one thing but severe forms of both at the same time is a nightmare.

 My world is so small now. I can’t even drive 30 mins to my parents house without having a panic attack. I’m seeing a therapist and hopefully getting new medication soon to see if that can help but I’ve been on everything for depression, you name it I’ve taken it at some point. It never worked well for me or the side effects would make it worse. But man some insight or literally any suggestions would help at this point. I’m stumped. I’m sick of spending all day crying and not being able to sleep at night. I haven’t slept 8 hours in god knows how long. My hair is falling out and I look like shit and feel like shit all the time. I don’t do any of my hobbies anymore nor care to do so because I have no motivation. I just want to be done with this. I worry I don’t have the mental strength anymore to fight this if I wanted to. Not giving up, just very tired of “living” like this. Why is life so overwhelming now?