My therapist said that I need to learn to make myself happy and not wrap so much of my happiness in my husband and his emotions. She said that I can’t work so hard to try and make him happy if it’s making me miserable.

I have no idea how to give him a “consequence”(not in a punishment definition of the word but more like you know the stove is hot but you touched it anyway so now your hand is burnt) I’m struggling really hard with not  letting my emotions be based off of his or as an excuse I guess. He constantly does things that make me anxious regardless of how many times I voice that it’s not ok. 
I know he can’t be in my world/bubble 24/7 but he is self centered. Will tell the kids and I he will be home at noon and then ignores my calls when it’s 2 and he isn’t home and hasn’t told me anything about changes in his plans. He comes and goes as he pleases and leaves me home with the kids, who are also starved for his attention. There are two things that I ask of him. Let me know when you’re coming home and MEAN it. Be faithful and not look at porn. 🤷🏼‍♀️ To him that’s to much. 
My therapist said if I give him a set of requests and he doesn’t follow through than to give him a consequence. Like if he says he won’t be home for dinner I should only worry about cooking for my kids and myself. If he shows up and there’s no dinner than the consequence is him not having any. If I ask him to put his clothes in the hamper and he doesn’t then I don’t wash them. 

I told her I’ve done all of that before and he simply didn’t care. At least not enough to change. It’s extremely difficult for me because He is almost undoubtedly my favorite person and the attention he gives me(when he decides to) is like a drug. The absence of it is what drives me so absolutely insane. I don’t know how she expects me to do it when nothing matters to him.