i'm going to my usual psychiatrist in a week, and i have my first clinical psychiatrist appointment next month. i'm privileged enough to have access to that.

nothing i do feels right. i can't draw for longer than 10 minutes. can't study at all. taking to people tires me. i want to feel that excitement with talking to people but it just always feels off. like there's a wall or i'm always playing a role every time i talk to anyone. it tires me. i don't really like living anymore it feels really uncomfortable. i'm not suicidal. i'm "accepting" the reality that i feel like shit, but i'm living this off. i usually describe that i feel like a robot a lot. i do the minimum tasks i can do during the day, i have a used up battery or something. i get these malfunctions, the tiniest thing can upset me, and all the other bad things appear in my brain so i can just start to spiral for hours and cry. usually towards the evening and the only emotion i sort of feel. but even that feels like pouring a bucket of water in the sink, and that's it.

i tried making friends on here. because i have been told i should avoid self isolating as much as possible, especially after some stuff that happened. but the amount of small talk i always have to go through makes me want to shed my eyeballs off. everything feels superficial. it's not genuine. and it makes me want to not make friends ever again, because they always just do something shitty after a couple of months and leave. i always put my all in, i take friendships seriously, so it's just not worth it. but i have to find that again. cause what am i living for then. i want to live already and it hurts not having any motivation for it. just for LIVING. it's embarrassing.