I feel so terrible right now. For the past 5 years I've told myself that my grades are gonna get better. That it's better than before and then high school hit me. 18, going on 19, subjects is too much for me earlier i lied and told my mom that i did my portfolio for clothing and textlies when i didn't submit it and i don't check the platform often so i have a big fat 0%. Most of my classes i have a D or a C and it's getting worse and worse. I have zero motivation for school and it's getting worse. Maths is hard. English is complicated. All three sciences are destroying every fiber within my soul. Music i hate. Clothing and textiles destroyed my interest for sowing and every single class sucks so bat. Then soon ill be doing business studies which will be hard.
This is why i read over 5 hours a day. I don't go anywhere as there isn't anywhere to go. I don't feel any motivation to do anything besides read and write. I feel like a blob taking up space i don't like it here i don't like it when i go to school to learn.
Its killing me inside but i feel bad for going in school and just laugh and talk with my friends as if nothings wrong. I hate my school so bad. I just wanna stop existing for a moment or have my memories wiped and start a new life.
I hate it when i feel like this. I feel like my grandmother and aunt would be ashamed in me when I know they they won't and they're dead. I'm disappointed that my habits won't break.