I keep somehow having confrontations with my boyfriend and also this morning with our extremely lovely and very chilled out housemate. Who I believe probably has one argument every 10 years or something. Like the kind of person who never argues. But me, I manage to get a rise out of early everyone. Even fucking Dalai Lama would get in a raging argument with me somehow.

I keep promising that I will 'be nice' now and I really REALLY mean it but then BOOM! I'm angry again and making everything negative.

And I am the reason that the atmosphere is terrible in this lockdown house right now.

The virus has made my health anxiety so much worse and stress really does bring out my BPD like a fucking raging hellbeast. 

I feel like an angry death metal song is screaming in my head.

But then I am laughing and manic pixie dream girl all of a sudden. But no one is ready for that nice shit, because, being non-bpd/mood disordery people, my boyfriend and housemate are still recovering from the last argument, slowly, in a normal way. They are not ready for the happy prancing pixie jokester who now wants to have fun five seconds after hating everything and arguing like my life depends on it.

I feel like I am a slave to my emotions and can but sit back and watch while I destroy these relationships.

And then I wonder, maybe I want to destroy them. Because that's what I always do when I have nice things. Like there is this part of me that wants the worst for me and feels comfortable in pain.

What can I do?