I don't usually meditate, but tried today. i did a simple kabat-zinn mindfulness meditation, just focusing on the breath in silence for most of it. as he said to expand the awareness to the feelings in the body, i began to feel very grateful for having an intact body, with no parts missing, almost completely healthy. and the feeling began to intensify. tears rose. i became anxious and my breath started to constrict. tears rolled down my face for the rest of the meditation.

this has to be why i have to stay numb and distracted all the time, if a POSITIVE emotion can do that. that's my physiology. 

how could i go through the day with that constantly happening? i guess repressing it is why i have a hard time concentrating. and the lack of a difference between positive and negative arousal is why i am hanging so many negative emotions on it to explain it. 

i guess if at least i can be aware enough to stop doing that... re-label, as, physiological arousal, triggered by something internally or externally that actually isn't worth figuring out because it won't give me any useful information.