I know they say magic mushrooms and psilocybin helps with anxiety. I gave into the “natural beats medication” fear last night and took them. I’ve been drug free for about a month off everything. I use shrooms very infrequently but somehow feel more anxiety than before I did them. I regret my decision but now that it’s too late I can’t regret it. I’ve been battling this indecisiveness for weeks now, not knowing whether or not to follow what most if not all suggestions have pointed me to: just fucking taking my Sertraline. This has led me to have cycling anxiety day by day. “Do I take the meds? Or the shrooms which I know have done well before? Or do I just go on my own?” And it repeats itself everyday. 

Today I woke up feeling anxiety heightened. Night sweats, terrible sleep, slightly short of breath, chest pains, headache… just worrying about my health again… my therapist did recommend to start my meds. I just won’t listen. Maybe now that I’ve taken a step I can just begin the process and deal with whatever potential side effects come into play. I fear them though. I fear the physical effects like nausea and insomnia but I also fear the mental effects like having suicidal thoughts. I already have ADHD and OCD that contribute to my anxiety and I’ve heard that sertraline aids both of those but I have this feeling that it just won’t work for me. 

I don’t like my choices. I’ve been clean. I’ve felt somewhat normal. But now I’m back into the ether because all I can think about is my own stupid decision. Therapy doesn’t seem like it’s much help so far and I’m scared of modern medicine. I won’t be taking anymore shrooms. I’ve wasted so much time worried about doing a drug that is supposedly NaTuRaLlY HeLpFuL and a real antidepressant. 

Thank you for reading. Life is harder some days than others.