Bpd/ptsd

I’m in trauma therapy and dbt, I take meds, I am a ketamine patient

I Lost a lot this year which has put me front and center with my childhood trauma I really haven’t ever addressed. Rn it’s not safe to work though in therapy, but I can tell it largely exists so I’m just kinda doing my best. 

I can’t tell if I am choosing this state or if I’m truly stuck here. 

I just need some tips from people. 
I’m struggling to care about myself, eat, shower, etc