I have had a rough summer, and now that it is  coming to an end, I realised something.

My entire life I have hated myself. I despised my physical form, my mind, my sole existance.
The thing is: lately, after certain events that caused me to get hurt I started to think that it may not be me that is broken, but the rest of humanity. 

I sometimes think to myself how I hate people. Men, women - it does not matter, as they are all monsters in one way or another. 

When the bad thoughts eventually go away, I realise it may not be true, but hating others makes me hate myself a little less. It lifts some weight off my shoulders, and causes me not to have the urge to hurt/damage my body or mind. On the other hand, it makes me feel extremely lonely.
Even if I'm having a good time talking to my "friends", my sickness seeks out insults or words that could hurt me, even knowing they weren't said in that way.

It's funny. It's like I can feel that fucked up part of me that fears, yet feasts, on all the terrible things that have happened or might happen. 

Anyway ;)
I can't decide which one is less harmful to my wellbeing. I know noone might even see this, but I'd love an outside opinion. It's either fantasizing of killing myself, or hoping we all get nuked and humanity comes to an end

P.S:
I have dyslexia, so I apologise for punctuation or grammar errors, and kindly ask that you be understanding.