I know it will. Every god damn day it’s beating nonstop because I’m constantly fucking worrying. I don’t know what I’m worrying about half the time. And the other half I’m either worrying about losing everyone in my life, or about a new experience happening soon. 


I put in too much effort. Because I’m scared of failing or losing someone. And that probably makes them dislike me more. Everyone probably think I’m desperate or over-attached. But I just don’t want to lose them. I don’t like drama. I bottled up so much emotion instead of getting mad at people. My sister would be on the phone all night, preventing me from sleeping. And instead of yelling at her to be quiet, I’d just put up with it. My friend from my program at school was texting me while out with everyone else in the program (about 15 people). I wasn’t invited. I know I wouldn’t have went anyways, but it hurt. And I never got mad at her. I won’t tell people when I’m mad. And it sucks.


And then there’s the new experiences, where I don’t know exactly what to expect. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to look stupid. I’m scared that I will stop paying attention for a minute and miss something important. I can never sleep the night before. A job interview, training, graduation, awards nights, anything where I don’t know the exact location, the exact time, who I’m going to be talking to, everything. I hate it so much. I should be excited for these things.


But I know someday, my heart is going to give out. And there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s who I am.