So, i've been very productive at work for couple of weeks and mostly because of antidepressants. It was perfect, i mean, few days after living without anxiety became normal; 

Since the hard work(probably four hours in a whooole week :/ ) i've done, i decided that i deserved one chill day. Too stingy about dayoffs, so remote working seemed perfect. Right after i turned my laptop on, first thoughts were like - i've had breakfast 30 mins ago, when should i have lunch? and as this thoughts were flowing inside my darkest cells of nerves, i was smoking blunt with deepest, soul-related breathes.  

lying there on the bad, early massive attack for the most badass vibes, watching how home plants  allocate(just programming stuff - have not done shit since i wrote first "hello world") some air, which definitely is not oxygen; And OH MY GOD, IM SO FUCKING HIGH, DIANE!!  (its twin peaks or bojack reference, depends on how shitty or intellectual bitch i am).

And i realized i was feeling so goood. I CANT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS MAN, LIFE GOES ON!! but suddenly some random thought kicked in, what if i lose my personality acting like this? what if i dont deserve to feel anything good AT ALL? what if not-feeling good is the punishment for all those shitty things you've done, and by that, maybe after years you'll find yourself not-guilty, finally able to feel good? 

AND ITS SO ABSURD MAN! im having NAUSEA since YESTERDAY, OR TODAY, I CANT BE SURE. its like you are about to start cleaning your room and then mom screams, so you are mad and do nothing at all other than sitting in a dark room with punchs wide shut; like AS YOU WOKE UP ONE MORNING FROM UNEASY DREAMS, YOU FOUND YOURSELF TRANSFORMED IN YOUR BED INTO AN ENORMOUS INSPECT. 

as i was saying, im having an anxiety about not-having anxiety and idk its directed by Nolan, or what,  but it really sucks man!