It has literally just fucking occurred to me that I enjoy pain. I mean, I knew I enjoyed it in sex, but I never considered I liked it in my head too. 

I just spent an hour reading people talk shit about their bpd exes on bpdlovedones. Everything just hurt so much and I KEPT scrolling. Last night I spent two hours on r/relationships reading stories of people who had been broken up with or cheated on. Because I felt the words in my chest and my stomach. And it hurt. And I could see it happening to me. But I wanted to see it. 

It's like I have to be hurting sometimes. When nothing in my environment makes me sad, I've gotta fucking find something else. Had great sex? Read break up stories. Feel pretty? Check his ex girlfriends instagram. Had the most perfect day ever? Relive every bad memory I have, on purpose. 

Am I the only one who does this shit? I feel like an absolute fucking psycho..