During the pandemic in which I started high school m online through zoom, a realization of unwellness struck upon me. I have always been not quite set right due to previous rapid maturing and trauma, which is a story for another day. I never felt like I fit in with any crowd I found myself in. A constant pressure beating down on me became a normal feeling. Diving into fits of depression as young as 9-10. When I realized what I was feeling was abnormal I kept it away. As knowing how good my life was supposed to be made me feel worse and gave me self doubt. These are feelings I still feel today. Revealing something wasn’t right to my father is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It started with an argument which led to me un purposely revealing there was a weight on me. A panic attack hit and I was stubborn as a log ignoring my father asking what the issue was. He asked if I was depressed. I nodded yes, at the time I felt as if I was. Looking back I realize it was anxiety. One thing led to another and he too came to the conclusion it was anxiety. It went that far with him. He said he would talk to my mother (divorced), he said he’d find me someone to talk to, but he didn’t. Fast forward through freshman year, more anxiety developed, hoping it would die down once school was over. It didn’t. The pressure stayed through summer. I didn’t really have any friends.  Now, into my sophomore year, I have friends I like, classes I enjoy, and past times I love. Yet I feel worse then ever. I’m 15. My hairline is creeping back, increasingly losing hair. I rub my knuckles giving myself 1st degree burns. Pick my fingers until they bleed. Carve myself with blades. I have the constant wanting to scream. I listen to music loudly to drown the voices telling me to die. I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish by sharing this information with Reddit.