Hello! So i am 20, diagnosed with bpd (and possible psychosis). And ofc, anxiety, haha. Skip to the bottom for tldr.

So for a long time, I have resisted treatment. Not that I could afford therapy lol but any idea of healing pushed me away. I was scared that....once I am healed, people will see how empty I am. How I have no personality outside of my disorder. I will lose my, what should I say, interesting/exciting streak? Yes. 

Last afternoon, I made my third attempt. 

It was different from my last two attempts. Last times, I tried to hang myself, and once the mere act of tying the loop tired me out. The next time, everything was set but....I didn't. They were more cries of help. I didn't **exactly** want to die. I was in pain, lots, and suicidal , but I didn't want to die. Not then. 

Last afternoon. It was completely unplanned, which is why I tried a method I never dreamt I would. I have been very low for a few weeks. I am back with my family which is so bad for my mental health. I have been suicidal , a bit more than usual. I had often toyed with the idea of hanging myself or suffocating myself with gas in the kitchen. And I had pictured writing a long, structured note. 

But I suddenly got triggered. And decided, this is it. I scribbled a hasty note. I deleted everything. I tried to slit my wrists. I had heard about slitting vertically. It was a new, sharp blade. I targeted the nerve, you know the visible one? And cut as deeply as I could. Needless to say, I didn't die. I failed, yet again. I have been self harming for 8 years now, and I could get to my arteries. 

This time was different from other times because....this time, I really wanted to die. I wanted to be dead. I didn't want to disappear or for the pain to stop. I wanted to dead. It was my closest brush with death. I was so close to it, so close. 

And I feel very shaken since then. I ...don't know. It's just that, everything almost ended. I wasn't supposed to witness this day. And here I am. I was so ready, I had absolutely surrendered. But here is another day. Another afternoon. Almost 24h. 

I am sorry for narrating everything here, I can talk to absolutely nobody else. 

Since then, I feel changed. In the sense that, I am not reluctant to get help. Not anymore. I don't want to do this to myself, my body anymore. To child me who survived. To my sister. I am so violent and abusive, I am hurt and I hurt. I want to get out of the cycle of abuse. I want to learn how to deal with my pain and I want to stop abusing and manipulating. I really do. 

I'd rather be at peace than be "exciting", having a "secret, dark" background, having outbursts, constantly dating and sleeping with someone I just met (nothing wrong with that, it's just something more would make me feel better and lay better foundations for a relationship, something I desire), being moody, burning every single bridge. I know I won't be "healed" completely. But at the very least I need to stop being abusive. I can't be the very monster I despised. 

But I can't afford therapy. I am a broke ass college student. Parents don't care/understand. 

So here I am. Any YouTube channel that helped you? A particular mediation technique? Anything, literally anything, someone taught you or you learnt on your own? Self help? 

Tldr : at rock bottom, need self help tips or anything that helped you and you didn't pay for.