I've been noticing more and more that it's sometimes really hard to feel like I'm actually *here* and doing whatever it is that I'm doing.  I don't know if this is because depersonalization and derealization are becoming more of an issue, OR if it's always been a big issue and I'm *just* now able to become more mindful/aware of it.  I think it's the latter.

I notice it especially if I'm in a very rare moment where things are extra happy/peaceful.  It happened recently, and I realized I didn't feel like I was actually present.  I wanted to feel completely present and soak up the moments.  But I had this sense of, "This moment is going to be over soon, and then all I'll have is the memory... how can I trust that?  How will I know for sure it even happened or that I'll be able to feel like it really happened?"


I was driving my car today and for a second it felt like it wasn't even my hands on the wheel. It felt just a little like I was on drugs, even though I was sober.  And I have *really* weird experiences on Saturdays, which is the worst day of the week for me.  Last Saturday, I was trying to accomplish stuff.  I wrote out a to-do list, then compulsively copied it again once or twice, trying to make it easier to understand, in hopes I'd actually do stuff.  Then when I tried to do stuff, I ended up walking through the halls feeling lost and confused.  I'd start a task, feel weird and out-of-it, and have to sit back down.


I guess the purpose of this post is that I hope to hear of others' experiences so I can feel less freaked out. I highly suspect this has been going on a while and that I'm just now gaining awareness of it.... because I *know* I used to be in a sortof dissociative state a lot of the time.  My psychologist says I used to be in a state of high distress/dissociating/etc.