I thought my FP and I were best friends, but I've come to realize that I was completely idealizing her and over the course of the past 8 months constructed this narrative that she was the only possible source of emotional support for me, that my partner was cold and uncaring compared to her, but of course I would only see/talk with my FP  once a week, while I live with my partner, so of course my FP had more energy to put into me when we were together.   


I would cry to her all the fucking time and share with her things that I wouldn't share with my partner. I even started to copy her career path recently but then bailed when she went on a trip with three friends who I don't know and moved in with her partner, and I started to want nothing to do with her.   


She and I aren't in a friend group, I just call her and spill my heart and soul to her and she comforts me, but it's a very isolated relationship, and I've only just realized that I am not the center of her emotional life in the same way she is/was mine.   


And so now I don't want to be friends with her anymore. We talked once since she went on the trip and I was silently crying the whole time and mocking her in my head.   


I hate that I'm splitting from her, but I feel like I can't stop it. I don't know what to do. This is one of the only friendships that I have, but now I don't feel anything for her. I feel so empty and set adrift. I don't know how to talk to her or see her again. I hate that I know that I'm doing this, but I can't stop it. I don't know how to have her in my life without being obsessed with her. I can feel myself transferring our emotional connection to a new person already. I don't know how to have normal fucking friendships.   


Does anyone have any advice on how to not split with your FP and not idealize them either? How to get to some kind of middle? How to overcome the black and white thinking?  


I'm a transgender woman getting sex reassignment surgery in a few months, and I'm going to need support from people who I have actual friendships with. I'm so nervous that I'm going to end up alone again, undergoing the recovery on my own. I cannot maintain friendships for more than a year. I end up alone again, and again, and again.