Hi everyone, I am lost and need some help. Sorry in advance for the long read. 

Ever since I have been a little kid I have always been someone that is very happy, outgoing and always making jokes, but I found myself to be a bit depressed. I used to and still do have suicidal thoughts. I come from an Asian home with very traditional parents. They came to Canada like many other immigrant parents with hopes of creating a better life for their children. For this I am grateful, but it didn’t come without its own set of problems. My parents who are now pretty old used to be a bit abusive. Me and my brothers didn’t experience too much abuse as it would only be the rare beating or occasional scolding if we did something very bad that disappointed them or made them angry. This is why despite everything bad they might have done, I still love them a lot. In fact I believe they are one of the reasons I have never went as far as actually commuting suicide. I would hate to see them grieving because I know that they do love me. However there were still issues as they were pretty abusive towards each other. My parents had been arranged for marriage and over my childhood I remember my father being physically abusive to my mother. It would get pretty bad as me and my brothers would have to intervene and make sure no serious damage was done. For the sake of the family and my brothers my mom never filed for a divorce. She was a strong women that powered through the hardship. I remember they would argue about each other’s family members and would tell us about them almost like they wanted us to pick a side and this became pretty mentally taxing. I am lucky I was the youngest child because I didn’t understand too much of what was going on, but I understood that things were not well and I would sit and cry in my room. It would ruin the entire day as I could never stop thinking about it. They would not talk to each other for weeks and after that it would be like it never happened. Hell most days they actually loved each other and we were a perfectly normal family. I could never understand how my parents could move on without even talking about it. Eventually I got desensitized to it. Pretty sure that is where I developed my ability to just disconnect and pretend like things just never happened. I dealt with many hardships this way but my whole life turned upside down about 2-3 years ago. I was always someone who did well in school without having to put in much effort at all. Unfortunately this was not the case when I started my first year of university in 2019. That year was one of the best and worst years of my life. Everything felt perfect at first but my lack of effort made me fail out of the program. From such a high high it felt like I hit bottom. I was so ashamed and frustrated with myself I could not bear to tell my family the bad news. My dad is 60 and he wakes up everyday at 5 am to go to work just to feed his family, feed me and make sure I get things that I want. When I was younger my mom would never let me do chores and my parents never forced me to get a job. Here I was a spoiled kid that was able to enjoy life. My parents were not too overbearing when it came to religion and they never tough on me as parents, I did get the rare beating but I did not have strict parents. My only job was to do good in school because my parents wanted me to get a good job and have a good life. But I decided to have fun with my friends instead. For two years I hated myself I became very suicidal. I kept to myself, slept a lot more than usual, and stopped caring about my health. It took me two years to battle that sadness and to begin loving myself again. I transferred to another university, got into their coop program and got a job placement. Everything is finally looking up , but I still find myself crying late at night by myself in bed. During the two years that I shut down I did this a lot and to this day my family does not have any clue about what I went through or what I am going through now. At first I felt proud that I could do this all by myself, but now it’s important that I talk to someone. I have friends that I love and talk to everyday, they might not know it, but they saved my life. Those days where we went out or when we had our late night gaming sessions during Covid were some of the best times of my life and it kept me going through the darkest of times. I just don’t w know how to talk to them, it’s hard as a dude. It’s not them it’s me, I don’t feel comfortable opening up like that. As for talking to my family it’s hard too. Being Asian I don’t think my family believes in depression, I once attempted to open up and hint that I was going through a tough time to my mom and it did not go too well. I always thought about therapy but never decided to do it. I really want to move on but my brain can’t stop thinking and dragging me Back to my lowest point. I am sick of it. I also think it will be easier to open up to someone I don’t know or won’t see in my daily life. For anyone that has done therapy, does it really work? I think I have issues that I really need help with and I don’t know what else to do. If anyone has any suggestions or if anyone went through something similar and has some tips please let me know. I am very desperate.