I'm going to sleep after I make this post, but I just wanted to tell you the hell I've experienced today.

I came, after a night of heavy drinking, to my retail job. The day started pretty good, my mood was still at a "high" after last night. Before I say what had happened, I have to add that last night was the ending of a two-week depressive episode. Well, or that's what I thought.

I enter the shift, everything fine until a huge anxiety burst happened while I was eating. Nothing new, I've struggled with that the whole week. My colleague comes and says "huh you're not feeling good today" and I think that was the trigger. Because I sht you not, I started having my biggest panic attack (or my first? I'm not sure if I've experienced one before or not) in my life. The physical symptoms were a pain in the ass, but nothing compared with what was in my mind. During this whole thing, I was stocking some products and my colleague was watching me. My brain went "SOMETHING BAD IS HAPPENING OR WILL HAPPEN" "WHY IS MY COLLEAGUE WATCHING ME" while the other part of my brain was screaming "no this has to be a psychotic break you are schizophrenic" "your colleague is watching you because she needs to learn how to do it idiot it's obvious". Well, I just wanna say this whole attack lasted 3 hours (I understood from googling that this is in fact not possible? and that those were multiple panic attacks which makes sense since they came in waves).

I was glad that my heart rate is finally normal (glad is a generous word because my brain felt fried), what came next was something that I hope I'll never face again in my life: Depersonalization/Derealization. This is the worst thing in the whole world, I'm sorry. Not even an ounce of exaggerating, grief/jealousy/pain, nothing compares to it. I felt crazy, I stopped feeling real. I was thinking "what means to be real? i'm not real. after that, I'm going home to sleep? why should i go home and not else? should i sleep or not?". I was still doing my work duty, which is crazy to me, because I felt so disconnected from reality. 

This post is getting long. The last hour has been the first hour in the last eight in which I feel like a sane human being. I feel hungry because I haven't eaten the whole day. I can't wait to go to sleep. I've discovered something new today: that humans are nothing but stupid machines who malfunction, but starting from tomorrow I'm gonna start fixing myself.