I'm not suicidal, which I'm grateful for every day. It's really strange to be so grateful for life and to still be so depressed. I've made quite a bit of headway in spiritual healing and treatment, but I still get really bad depressive episodes. With my ADHD and anxiety and executive dysfunction, it feels disabling.


I'm about to leave yet another job after just a few months. I've never worked at the same place for more than 6. The places I've applied to aren't calling me back, which is a little devastating. Just a little.


My psychiatrist is at the end of her rope, too. She's tried several treatments. (Note: not the stimulants that I need, though; as a recovering downer abuser who hates stimulant highs, she's somehow worried that I'll abuse even the lowest dose of a stimulant, even though I've never abused a medication in my life). I feel like despite my potential, I will be disabled for life, because of circumstances that I can't control and being denied treatment that has historically worked for me. 


She wants me to do IOP. I've graduated from it twice. Hell, I've applied to work at several IOP/PHP treatment centers, so it would be a terrible career move. I just want to function. I'm getting confused- I don't know if it's work, the current political atmosphere, or life- or just me being depressed. It's probably exacerbated by my bipolar depression, though. 


I'm lost. I'm not sure what to do or what to try. I found a new psych, my third in four years. I requested a specialist this time, though, so hopefully it works out. I feel like an inconsolable basket case most days. And sometimes, I miss the reprieve of mania- it seems to be the only thing that my mood stabilizers cut out. Not really, though, since I like feeling sane. I just can't do anything these days. 


Thank you for reading all of this, it feels good to let it out somewhere where others will understand.