I know it's stupid to rely on validation from random people from the internet and I'm working on it but for the moment, please. 

It's been almost three months of my absolute worst so far. I've had suicidal thoughts since childhood and I've become very gradually worse over many years so neither anyone else or I had the chance to notice how bad I actually am until this October, when I just completely disintegrated. I went to a psychiatrist and started antidepressants which helped a little at the beginning, or maybe it was a placebo or the fact that I came home to my parents (I'm 19) for a little bit, I don't know, but I felt a little better and went back to other city where I moved out. But it came back crushing me again. I couldn't sleep or eat for two days, and I was, maybe still am, actively suicidal. I called for help and am back home, and I am so so exhausted. I either sleep all day or can't sleep, I'm numb and so tired and I don't know how to get better. On top of that I feel like I'm faking it because I was bad before for year but I still could function okay but now I'm totally useless. I dropped out of uni, I stared a job that I quit after two days because I just feel so bad. But I really wanted these to work, I tried I promise I tried I don't want to be one of those lazy teenagers/young adults who rely on their parents for so long, I wanted to grow up normally like the rest of my peers, I'm so sorry. Please tell me that it's possible because of depression and it's not that I'm a terrible person.