 I'm 19, and I've been in a declining state for a while now. I made a post a while ago. Unfortunately, I couldn't commit suicide. I threw up and sobbed the rest of the night before putting the gun away.

My academic status is horrendous and hopeless. I've been shouted at so much by my parents over the years. Seven months ago, I fucked up in school. Right as I was thinking about telling them about my suicidal thoughts, was told by them directly they didn't care about my feelings or if I hurt myself whatsoever.

To which I proceeded to have the worst mental breakdown of my life. I was already feeling terrible around this point, and this experience didn't help. Everything fell apart, and I've had a shaking problem ever since.

All the while, for the past year and a half, I've had a terrible struggle regarding art that has crippled all of my willpower. It's envy. I feel like an inferior version of this artist who's my age, with all these similar ideas and concepts.

They're everything I could have been, but never was, never will be. I have a drawing tablet, but it'd take me years before I could create anything that looks even remotely decent, and as I've mentioned, my willpower is dead. I'm lost here.

I can't afford to move out, I can't afford therapy, I don't have any skills or anything noteworthy to help me get anywhere. The only thing I can think about 24/7 is how I could've maybe been like that artist and many others out there if I wasn't such a tool. I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I have no idea what that would accomplish.

Don't know what else to say now, not without bloating this wall of text to unreasonable levels that virtually no one will read anyways.

I first attempted suicide in 2016. Everything has of course worsened since then. The sadness I experience is just acknowledging the truths and constants, there's no chemical imbalance here. I'm just fucked. The circumstances of chance, my lack of critical thinking, and my perpetual impatience/incompetence have compromised my future.

I feel a lot more ready to shoot myself now than I did before since practically nothing is holding me back. Me and my words are valueless. The morning is my favorite time of the day anyway, so I won't sleep tonight. Then I'm exiting, all I wish is that there's no more bullshit on the other side.