The first man who I felt understood me than anyone was my (then 32M) ex who was former military (marines), he had experiences which made me feel safe and comfortable around him with me being a (23 MtF) transgirl and a college student... deeply empathetic, caring, understanding, affectionate...until he hurt me deeply to result in trust issues around guys.

It took a guy who killed.... took lives in Iraq to be the first one to understand me. Be there when I was weak, made the choice to be late in order to calm my mental breakdowns and frequent crying being overwhelmed with happiness and depression. Encouraging a co-dependency relationship which I felt comforted and most people would frown.

And when he broke things off, I was incapable of sustaining myself in life. Then told me that no one would care if I committed suicide. Ever since, a string of terrible guys used me, ghosted me, took me for granted and one told me *"I was too weak and I'm the type of woman he'd avoid"* because I'm not his type of being the athletic, combative woman I was. Selectively choosing the attractive bits of me at best, to fit the appeal of a sex doll.

I'm feeling like a damsel in distress because that is my life right now. Wanting to get away from my current life, run away, disappear, leave everything behind and start a new one. Forgetting the world, the stress, everyone else.... just wanting to be happy. Wanting to be taken care of by a guy....

I am willing to give that guy who comes along my trust if need me, my unconditional trust. I don't have much. A guy who loves to take care of a girl he deeply loves, has patience and understanding and a great capacity to care. A guy who loves the white picket fence type of life.

But someone most importantly, who came from a similar background as my first ex. He joined the marines straight out of high school, and seeing things most people can't comprehend. I felt safe around him. He lived up to the man who had southern hospitality. Born and raised in the south.

And I was way over in Australia. Most guys my age only want hookups.

Now I can't find someone like him. A traditional, yet caring guy who was that before he hurt me. Deep down, I wanted to date another military guy with his experiences. Being around him made me feel I was truly happy.

That no other guy who wasn't military would be able to understand my life. The things I've had to endure. Parents who emotionally abused me, former friends who left me, I had no one. I had to go through countless things alone for years.

I wanted to die a quiet death, since I don't matter to anyone romantically. I am not a priority in anyone's life. Maybe a guy who gets me is someone who's already dead... maybe I can find a relationship in the afterlife/heaven. Maybe I can be happy there.

I want my suicidal thoughts to stop. To just feel at peace. I would just want to talk to another single military guy who can relate to my experiences.