Hey all, I just started this account, figuring that maybe I can find some support from the Reddit community while I struggle with my recent diagnosis and my treatment. 

As mentioned, I was recently diagnosed with BPD. It did not surprise me at all. When I read the DSM V bullets, it was like reading my autobiography. I can now see clearly the way that this has affected me in all of my interpersonal relationships for my entire life, and I am absolutely committed to changing! 

I am going through a particularly difficult time right now, because about a week after my diagnosis, my boyfriend broke up with me.  In a way, I thought him knowing of my BPD diagnosis would help him to understand me and that him seeing my commitment to therapy would give him hope for our relationship.  Instead, it seems he talked to his own therapist, friends, and family about it, and they came to the conclusion that I was never going to change, my BPD couldn't be fixed, and that he should run for the hills.... and so he did.  Anyone have a similar experience? 

Anyway, all of this has hit me at the same time, so while trying to understand and begin treatment for my BPD, I'm also grieving my relationship. I've been going on a rollercoaster of the 5 stages of grief. At times angry (which seems to help), other times bargaining (definitely not helpful), and sometimes feel depressed. 

Here's my main question for you all right now... I've realized that sometimes when I'm feeling depressed, I KNOW what I can do to get myself out of it (I know I can get out of bed, go outside, work, clean, journal, etc), but I don't ALLOW myself to do the things to make myself feel better. (This has also been a typical trait of mine in other aspects, ie: knowing I should not blow up at my partner, but doing it anyway). When I'm feeling like this, I feel like I deserve to be in pain, and I don't deserve to be happy, so I stay there in misery and self-destruction. Similarly, when I'm finding myself feeling okay- specifically right now when I find myself not missing him, not mourning over him, etc- I quickly make myself snap out of my content and force myself back into sadness, anxiety, grief. 

Does anyone know how I feel here?! I would really love to know I'm not alone. And does anyone have advice for how to allow yourself to be happy, or make yourself do things to feel better when you don't want to? 