Does anyone else have massive fear over this? 

I had a bad (bad bad bad) depressive episode in the spring after going off of meds in January. (Yes, I know that was stupid, no need to remind me.) I started meds and had a hypomanic episode in summer, followed by a bad (bad bad bad) depressive episode. I took six weeks of FMLA and did IOP and worked on medication. I have been back at work for 3 weeks and am struggling a lot. I feel so much fogginess and my memory feels like it's somehow gone from "very bad" to "awful". I lose track of things. I work in project management in a very fast-paced, demanding environment so this is not tenable. 

I feel like in some ways I know too much. I know the studies about decline, and how your brain is affected by episodes; I have read many accounts of medication and dulling. I know I am making the problem worse by getting so worked up over it; my fear paralyzes me further. I am working it out in therapy, slowly. 

Maybe some of this is my meds. I am on 300mg lamotrigine and 600mg lithium. I just titrated up on lithium from 450. Maybe that's what is making me foggy. It is so hard to distinguish what the fuck causes anything because there are too many variables.

I just feel hopeless about my brain overall and like I won't be able to sustain the pace and quality of life that I once had, and it makes me really, really sad and scared. It triggers passive SI and so, so much anxiety and I just want to find a way to fix it.