recently realized ive been treating people poorly for many years and got diagnosed with BPD and ADHD. since the day it all kinda came down on me (two weeks ago) i haven’t spoken to almost anyone and completely deleted socials except for my personal private Instagram. Ive been taking so many steps to try and hold myself accountable, and I’m going to keep trying. I’ve been giving people space to decide whether or not they want to be in my life / be my friend, but also what comes with that is being a part of my support system as i know i will need that in the coming months/years with therapy and new meds. 

i know, i know, they need their space. it’s only been two weeks.
but it’s my birthday tomorrow. and ill probably get 3 messages, no posts because everyone is worried to be around me publicly, and one day out with my partner who I can tell has gotten me absolutely nothing and has avoided this subject like the plague. 
it’s my own fault, my actions have consequences. but the complete lack of people who used to be my best friends feels like I was being used, and almost makes me want to turn back on the idea of recovery (which I know is the “leave you before you leave me” mindset/ideal)
“now that they can’t benefit off of me, they don’t want me around” is stuck in my head, whether it’s true or not. 

i want to grow and be better and really learn, but i want to do that with my friends by my side helping me. doing it alone feels like an insane pointless long winded suicide attempt. im fucking angry and sad and what’s worse is I know my feelings will always be the feelings of someone who got mad that the ball they threw hit themself in the face. i don’t know what to do.