I'm sorry if posts like this aren't allowed here, but...

Hello everyone. I'm a 24 year old European female. 

I recently saw an addictions specialist for all my impulsive, self-harming tendencies. She did not outright diagnose me with BPD but the diagnosis letter I got in the mail described all symptoms of it to a T. I put two and two together and recognized that it was BPD. 

I'm an on-again, off-again alcoholic and anorexic, if that's even possible (just to make this clear, I mean no offense to any alcoholics or anorexics out there who suffer every single day through-out their lives - my relapses happen every few months or so and often end up at clinics). 

I was in rehab earlier in 2016 after being on a three week bender of hard liquor and zero eating. It got to the point where my body was rejecting everything I consumed besides alcohol. I only lasted in rehab for 24 hours, after which I came back home and was sober for a good 3 or 4 months. Then I relapsed again. The relapse occurred after my dad called me worthless because I had accidentally left the front gate open for our dog to get out (he was safe with our neighbors the whole time, so nothing happened). I went MIA for hours. 

I describe the peaks of my episodes as full on "rampages". I don't think, act or do anything the way I "normally" do. I've shoplifted, driven drunk, been driven to a hospital in the back of a cop car, hitch-hiked... everything one with no will to live would do. Straight up no fucks given, reckless behavior. I'm also unemployed as I don't think I could hold a job and I have no real friends because I don't reach out to people out of fear of losing control of myself.

I'm on 200mg of sertraline (maximum dosage) and take Ativan for panic attacks. I also have hypothyroidism. These meds help me feel at least somewhat normal, but I still experience severe mood swings (no surprise). I can go from depressed to manic in a matter of hours, and my mood can be shot down from ecstatic to defeated in seconds.

I have a lot of good things going for me. The holidays are here, I'm with my family (who all support me), I'm engaged to the love of my life, and I have many things to look forward to. 

Then there are the dark times... the times I have within myself. I guess I'm here to seek support during those times, when I can't bring myself to express what I'm feeling to who I am close to. 