A year ago today i did molly for the first time (first drug I ever did yikes) and i can’t help but think how different my life would be if I had never done it. I’ve done molly about 10 times in the past year (i think ur only supposed to do it 3-4 times a year) but the most recent time I did it (Halloween) I had to take 4 hits because my tolerance is so high now. After doing it for the first time (it was best experience ever) i developed this mentality that i could only truly feel amazing and happy when I was rolling on molly and I remeber only looking forward to my next roll (i didn’t even care about other stuff going on in my life i was just excited to feel that incredible feeling again) 

i feel like my Molly use and other drugs use (mainly weed, edibles and painkillers) has really just fried up my brain and made my bpd worse and I don’t know what to do. for 2 weeks in October I was high every single night (off a pen but still!!) i can’t keep going on like this because I swim 9 times a week, am in grade 12 and still get extremely fucked up every weekend and even weeknights and I’m so tired of living like this &amp; I can’t talk to my therapist about drug use because I am a minor and my parents would disown me if they found out I’ve done drugs because my cousin is an addict and it kind of runs in my family!! 

i just want to go back to a year ago where i wish I’d never done this stupid drug because I love it so much and ITS RUINING ME &amp; I’m so conflicted with never wanting to do it again or doing it tomorrow- bpd makes it so much fucking harder because I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO I AM LIKE am I going down the path of being a swimmer at uni and getting my shit together or am I just going to keep getting high like I do not know what I want . i also just ghosted everyone for the past week ( deleted all socials- i do this sometimes) because I want to try &amp; figure my shit out but it’s exhausting because im filled with so much regret because I had so much potential in like swimming &amp; school and I’m throwing it all away AH. i just don’t know what to do and i never talk to anyone about anything that’s going on in my life because i have a hard time opening up to people I know irl so I guess I’m just looking for advice if anyone has any because I feel like im fucking drowning (ironic thing to say for a swimmer lol) !!