So about two months ago, a friend of mine added me to his new Discord server. It was filled with a bunch of his online friends, and I ended up hitting it off with one of the guys on there. We flirted a lot, exchanged pictures, talked long into the night for weeks. We live three hours away from each other and agreed that we would meet up sometime to hookup and see how our chemistry was irl before deciding how to proceed with the relationship.

This already probably wasn't a good idea. I was fresh out of a long term abusive relationship and it was my first time getting so sexual with someone I wasn't in a defined relationship with. But I wanted to try something different and honestly was trying to see if I could get involved with someone without getting crazy attached. I was . . . sort of right? I felt a high from talking to him and thinking about hooking up. I was able to feel secure too if we went a day or two without talking. And we had agreed to still stay friends if the hook up didn't go well.

Well a group of us from the Discord server meet up about two week ago, and me and the guy I was talking to went as well. It was planned well in advance, and we had agreed to spend time alone later that night in my hotel room so that we could hook up, or at the very least just spend time talking one on one since we're both pretty anxious nerds. But he blew me off last second to go to a party, and we didn't hang out alone at all.

I felt pretty hurt about it, but didn't say so. Instead, I made last second plans to go out with someone else from the server and we had a really fun night. Later, I texted the first guy and asked him if he was even interested in continuing our fling. He said he wasn't up for it any more and hadn't known how to tell me. I told him it was fine - even though it wasn't - and tried to put it behind me.

Tonight, we were all hanging out in voice chat on the server playing games. I mentioned a quote from a show and the guy said he had never watched it before. I told him we would have to watch it together sometime, and he asked me how, saying that we never got the time to hang out before, and with the distance between us we probably wouldn't get the chance to watch it.

This really just rubbed me wrong. It's not that we 'never got the time' to hang out, it's that he blew me off that night and I called him out on it. He seemed confused, and asked me to explain in private chat what I was talking about. I sent him a message saying that I had really been looking forward to hanging out with him that night and I felt bad that he had blown me off. He sent me a reply that while we hadn't spent time alone together, we did hang out a lot with the rest of the group, so he doesn't see it as having blown me off. I could tell that I was getting angry - and honestly had started to tear up - and so I left the voice chat and I still haven't responded to his private message.

I know none of this is a big deal, and a part of me even sees the validity to his view of things. But it still fucking hurts. And I honestly wish I never said anything tonight about any of it. Because now those who were in the voice chat tonight know there's something up with me. And now the guy probably thinks I'm fucking crazy. I mean, I am, but god damn I just see hanging out in a large group of people as very different from getting to hang out one on one with someone that you've been flirting and exchanging pics with for over a month.

I kind of want to explain that to him. But I also worry that it's just going to push him further away and ruin the chance at being friends. I kind of want to just apologize for bringing it up in the first place. But I also feel like I was justified in expressing my annoyance and don't feel like I should apologize for it. I kind of want to just move on and act like it never happened. But I also know that at least someone is going to ask me about it and I won't know how to respond and will just seem really awkward. I kind of just want to go nuclear and leave the server, ignore them all and just forget about it. But I also value their friendship over these last few months and really don't want to make things worse if there is an easier way to come back from all of this.