I am 15m and i am in a very very very bad place right now to a point where people at my school fear me and my family thinks im extremly weird but mostly ignore my issues. I have been in therapy for some where between 12 and 20 months however i dont get therapy often enough and my therapy session i was supposed to have this monday got cancelled so now itll be another week from now untill i go back.

I believe the world is a simulation and that the goverment controls events that happen in peoples lives and have the ability to tamper with anyones thoughts, emotions, or actions. I also think that a large portion of the government enjoys ruining peoples lives for fun and i think i am one of the people they have choosen. They send shadow people to stalk me and scare me and try to stop me from falling asleep however i fall asleep better now because im used to the shadow people being there. I have a second stream of consciousness that some people say is me hearing voices and others say its just a normal thing however i do not think its either of those two things. I believe that it is a second entity that lives in my head that was put there by the goverment to tourtue me as it comments on things i do and tries to command me to do stuff. The goverment also makes me think about graphic ways to kill people and then they alter my emotions so that these thoughts become desirable to me and i have strong urges to do them and believe that murdering people will make me happy. I believe the reason so many bad things have happend this year is because the government is bored and is just fucking with us. 

Because every aspect of my life is in some way forced upon me by people that are not myself i am very very depressed. I dont do anything im not forced to do because it feels like itll just take too much energy and i have no motion to do anything nor do i gain any enjoyment from doing anything.

As i mentioned at the start of this post its another week untill i see my therapist again and id like to talk about her a little bit more. I do not like her at all as shes attempted to tell me that my condition is anxiety (which i dont think is impossible ot even super unlikely but she is not permitted to do so which is why it angers me) and i dont like the way she makes me speak about things how it often makes my ideas come out in a way i dont want them to. The odvious answer would be to get a new therapist but my current therapist is the only one that my parents can afford.


Thanks for listening to my story and any advice you could give is greatly appreciated