Okay so ever since i've been diagnosed with bpd (from three different specialists) I kinda didn't believe them and still dont think I do fully. Like my brain will constantly convince me that i'm an imposter because people will tell me oh but you aren't a very angry person, i've always been passive and unable to stand up for myself(and I hate myself a lot for it) or I will read that reckless driving and unsafe sex are symptoms and be like I don't do that even though i've been self harming for about 7 years now. Okay so the problem. I've always blamed my arguments with my mother on her, and in the last few weeks I was like *freeze frame* am I the one at fault? Every day I will be in such a sour mood and anything she says will throw me off and I will only be able to answer with passive agressive yes or no, almost like I physically can't form longer sentences with how clouded my brain is with anger, like I become mute in a way and am unable to speak or form sentences. I mean it's not like she helps with her immediately being like why are you mad, why are you always in a bad mood, can you have a normal day for once etc. I just don't know what to think. And the scariest thing when i'm like that is that I completely shut down and can't control my actions. I'm always almost never like this with other people just with her, and i'm scared that i'm going to start being like that to my future partner. I wanted to talk about this with my therapist but she hasn't called me every since she came back from her holiday so my brain convinced me she hates me, and I just need someone anyone who maybe understands what is going on.
If you've read this far thank you, it means a lot🖤