Has anybody else just felt this way? I hope I'm not the only one. I just feel so much pressure constantly and from every angle that I am not sleeping, feel nauseous more often than not and now I am just done. I've had to take a week off work because I can't actually cope with having to fake the happiness and deal with customers in a calm way whilst trusting myself not to go off on one when they inevitably say something that grates on me. 

It's like every little negative thing that has happened to me over the past few months - or even years - has been stored away waiting to come back on me amplified tenfold to torment me and drive me to exhaustion. Why is it that I cannot process my issues, deal with them and move on? Or at least accept them for what they are and learn to coexist with them? Every decision I've made is the result of a million questions like, "well if I do x what if y happens?" "What if I do this but then they say this and think that and leave?" "If I say yes then this might happen and this then that. What would I do then? I could do x, y or z but then..." and on and on it goes. My anxiety is seemingly intensifying rather than finding a way to let me breathe and it is only making it harder for me to leave the house and engage in social activities without making me feel completely drained afterwards.

As if all of this isn't enough, there is the constant paranoia and obsessive thoughts that one day I'm going to be ditched by every last person I love. I feel it is only a matter of time because, after all, that is what always happens. It is so damn draining having this constant war in my mind between needing to be loved and needed and also wanting to be alone because I can't handle the pain of being open with someone about my issues and how much I love them only to have them leave me (even in the times when they actively encourage me to share my emotions because they're adamant emotions don't scare them and they aren't going anywhere - that just seems cruel).

Every time I'm left crushed, I say to myself that I won't do it again, won't put myself out there, but I know that is a lie because the only thing worse than the paranoia of being repeatedly crushed is the torment of being alone. To be alone with only my thoughts is the worst possible thing I could ever imagine. I wouldn't survive that.

I make myself worse too and give myself more reasons to hate on myself. Like today, I know the animals need food and that I have to go out to buy them some but I still can't find the energy to get dressed and face leaving the house. I fucking hate myself for it. I know that I will have to at some point today but you can guarantee that I will leave it until as late as possible because that's what I do, avoid reality as best as I can until it smacks me in the face and I can't run away any longer. Like, sure, I know in the back of my mind that they have plenty of hay and such to see them through as that is the most important thing for them anyway but still, they need the food and I can't even sort my fucking life out enough to go into town now. What is wrong with me?

Now I'm just done. I can't carry on like this. I don't know how or where I could possibly even imagine I'd get the energy or strength of mind from. I'm just done. 

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way.