TLDR: I'm just a bitch who needs to suck it up and get off their lazy ass and who thinks bitching about their first world problems on reddit is actually going to do anything productive or come across as anything other than self-entitled whining compared to people's legitimate problems on this subreddit.


What can I do when I'm screaming at myself to do something, anything, yet can't get anything done? Everyone else is growing and soon I'll be left behind, forgotten. Every other good friend in my life seems to be able to find someone that loves them, get a job, and even houses... 

I can't even bring myself to look at my resume or job listings without spiraling mentally. I used to be employed... well more like paid volunteering... I got kicked out of that program twice... once for weed... the other for loosing my temper... why can everyone else smoke weed and still be employed? Why is it only me who can't lose their temper? It just feels like I have to be perfect. Straight-edge and servile and the minute I don't fit that image I'm a "monster who's shown their true colors". 

I don't wanna die, but I don't want to exist anymore. I think literally anybody else could live my life better. Regulate their emotions better.... maybe I should try getting rid of my emotions... 

I feel trapped, like I'm in an unbreakable soundproof glass cage. I'm watching everyone else have fun and living their lives while I can only watch and want for something I can never have. 

I'm on anti-depressants and I still feel this way. Therapy never seems to help so I just keep my problems to myself. Nobody else in my life wants to hear about them anymore anyways... at least this way I'm not an emotional burden on everyone. If no one knows how much I'm hurting then it's all OK. 

I'm too scared of fucking up like I always do at this point... because I don't have the luxury to fuck up. I don't get second chances like everyone else. Maybe I an a monster. Maybe I should just end it.