I know that I can overreact. Sometimes I can feel myself starting an episode. I can feel my blood boiling and I want to scream, cry, throw things, or run away. So I try to tell my husband...please listen to me. This is going to upset me. This is going to make me go into full blown "crazy" mode. Let's avoid that. It may not make sense to you, you may not understand why it is such a big deal to me, you may think it's stupid. And it probably is... but it's not stupid to me. To me, it's the difference between breaking down and having a day where I can tough it out a little longer. So I beg, I plead.... don't do it this way, let's not do this, let's take another route. And he just blows it off... so how does that make me feel? I feel betrayed, I feel alone, I feel angry... all of that on top of the anger that I feel from not doing it this other way. For example... counseling for a kiddo. I have had problems with this place and they were still being dicks so I said screw it, let's take her somewhere else. And he insists. And insists. And insists some more. No, we're continuing with this place. No, I don't care that your old boss is the secretary there. I don't care that you're angry with them for dicking around so long. It's closer so it's more convenient. And then what happens? I freak the eff out. And I don't want to.... I fight it. I want to have a good day. I tried to tell you that this was upsetting me, why didn't you listen? I want to smile. I want to stop fighting myself :(
Sooooo, does anyone else try to avoid an episode and try to have an SO (or friend, or family member) help you help yourself... then fail? I hate to ask him for help, but hey... isn't that what your loved ones are for? Agggghhh... someone tell me that I'm not alone
Edit- sorry for the wall of text. I'm on mobile. I wanted to clarify a couple of things. Do some of you realize what sub you are on before commenting? Another thing, my SO is my husband who is well aware of BPD and is usually supportive. When he's not, I just feel lost. He's the only person that I have to confide in. I have gotten a lot better controlling my emotions as I've gotten older, but sometimes I just can't control them, and it helps to have a support system that loves me unconditionally. For example, when I say I freak out, it usually means I just end up sobbing like crazy and hiding in the bedroom for a couple of hours. I have become incredibly good at controlling my emotions in front of the kids, no matter how hard it is. But sometimes when it's just me and my husband.... I can't help it. He's my shoulder to lean on and I'm his. And thanks to everyone who replied to my post and made me not feel so alone! I read each and every comment... and to those of you who go through the exact thing, I can't say that I'm glad you do... but I am glad that someone understands. 