Hello everyone; this is going to be rather long so thanks to everyone actually reading over all of this, I really appreciate it, English is not my first language and I am very confused about a lot of stuff that's going on so I am really sorry if there are any passages that might be confusing or hard to read/understand, I'm trying my best.

I met this girl (online)  somewhere around june last summer; she was in a relationship when we actually met, with no intentions of anything more than friendship between us. Her (extremely toxic) relationship was basically over already at this point (which I did not know at this point of course) and the break-up was basically a few days after we first had contact. 

She had her best friend/favorite person which was basically there for her all the time, but apparently she found me very interesting as well, so we had quite a lot of contact during this time as well. I'm a generally very empathic person and am always happy to help or be there for someone if I'm actually able to help them feel better, so naturally I did. She grew attached quite fast and we basically had contact every day without exception, (via chat at first, calls/talking via discord later on) due to her mental state at this point, she opened up very quickly to me(about her having bpd as well), talking about basically everything and I had absolutely no problem with this. I was actually happy for all the trust she put into me. 

All of this was very interesting to me, and mental illness is something that is very interesting to me anyways (I had depression for quite a while, as well as some other mental health issues; still in therapy as well, but I'm at a point where I'm actually stable without any limitiations to every day life or anything similar) and she actually suggested me a book about bpd since I mentioned that I was openly interested in understand her and the illness. We grew attached quite a lot over time - still: as friends only, but we would have some cheeky flirting going on all the time, nothing serious though. Over time, this had become more and more though, with her even telling me that "she would probably have fallen in love with me, if she wasn't right in the middle of lovesickness" which was obviously very flattering for me, but nothing more than that. At some point we even went over chat logs with her ex, for her to realize that she wasn't the (only) problem in her relationship and only at this point she actually noticed how terribly toxic her relationship and ex-bf actually was (I was sincerely shocked over how cruel people could actually be.). Obviously she wasn't completely innocent how her relationship went but this was nothing one-sided at all. 

Due to this she could finally conclude the relationship and any "chance" to ever actually get together with him ever again.  This is where it probably started getting complicated as I slowly started developing feelings that involved more than friendship and it was quite obvious that she did as well. This all happened around 4 months after we got to know each other and at some point she actually opened up about how she was feeling as well and that she actually fell in love with me. Due to her only coming out of a 2 year relationship and the distance between us (around 7 hours) we didn't go THAT much further into this and just went on with how it went between us anyways, doing stuff together online, the usual flirting, watching movies together, etc.

Fast forward, in November we started planning to actually meet up and we did actually meet in December. This was a huge thing obviously (her therapist; she started therapy in late october that year; actually scrutinised this heavily and I was actually unsure if she'd actually pull through, with all of this, but she did and we met up)

 The time was amazing, with her getting to know my family, me getting to know hers, we had tons of fun and an amazing time together. There were so many signs of how great we actually fit together; all the stuff like her mentioning that I actually made her feel good and beautiful for the first time in her life (she did have some terrible relationships, she was actually completely confused when I started adressing compliments to her, as she never experienced something like that in her life.). We actually were together for a few days, when she realized that this was all too fast for her and she was not ready for a relationship at this point, which obviously made me very sad but there was nothing I could do at this point that would actually change anything so I could only accept this for now. We simply carried on as before as... "very good friends"? I guess. 

There has been A LOT back and forth since then with her saying that she definitely wants to see me again, that what we have actually is a relationship, just without calling it like that because she's afraid of it. Her saying that she has no time/power/strength for a relationship but on the other hand. Her telling me that I should stop having any expectations or hope as she is unable to actually "love" or ever have a "healthy relationship". Her having her priorities everywhere but about having a relationship at all. At one point she actually mentioned that she wants to see me again, but that I shouldn't have any kind of hopes about "getting together" at this point, that she just wanted to see me again, that she just wants to have someone be with her.

I honestly sometimes have no idea at all what of this her bpd is and what's actually rational thinking of her. This permanent uncertainty is really nagging on me and is sometimes making me feel really terrible (especially her mentioning the fact that she cannot have a relationship at the moment, feels really bad.).  

There are so many contradictory signs where at one point she tells me about how we do actually have a relationship, I just shouldn't see or call it as one, as this is what she's struggling with; her telling me how she's completely trusting me and how important I am for her but on the other hand the fact that I should not have any hopes or expectations as she's way too scared of not being able to "fullfill"? them and losing me altogether. 

Once again, I am really sorry about how complicated all of this might sound (it IS extremely complicated in my head, so it is actually really hard to write this all out.) and I'm really hoping that everything is understandable to a certain degree. At no point ever have I ever thought about "ending" this or to stop working on all of this as she really is everything I've ever wanted in a partner, I truly am in love, as complicated as it might be, I honestly do not care and am happy to push through all of this, hoping for a positive outcome. It permanently feels like she does not know at all what she actually wants or needs herself even though how obviously I am "enhancing" her life and making everything better and easier for her (this is not supposed to sound arrogant or pretentious in any way: this is actually something she has told me very often). She has terrible (mental-)scars from her former relationship with some of them that haven't even started healing yet at all (though, I really hope, that therapy is going to help with this) and I would be more than happy to show her, that there are is another kind of relationship than the ones she had until now.

 I am sometimes struggling though. All this back and forth is - sometimes! - very exhausting (there's times where this is worse, times where everything is a lot clearer and easier as well though). Times where it's absolutely clear that she definitely wants a relationship and all of this, and other times where it feels like there is no chance for us to ever get together at all. This uncertainty is extremely hard to bear for me from time to time.

I am unsure what kind of help or support I'm looking for here, but at this point probably anything and everything is going to help. Just writing all of this down (as confusing as it might be, I am really sorry) was already helpful for me. Anything that I could read, learn or do, any kind of opinion about all of this, honestly everything is probably going to help me so I am happy about whatever there is to say.

If anyone actually bothered to read all of this: Thank you. If there is anything unclear (of which I am sure there is quite A LOT OF) I am absolutely happy to answer any kind of question, thanks for reading this and thanks to everyone that might try to help me out with all of this.