Long story short: My ex that I still consider (or considered now that the dust is settling down) my best friend for the last 2 years, 3 months of which was actual dating, has found a partner. I'm happy for her, I really am, but...since it happened, she slowly drifted away from me...or I did. It's hard to say anymore but the facts are that she was the first and last person I talked to every day for those 2 years and in alot of those days, the only person I talked to.

She saved me from a pit of despair after my best friend vanished out of thin air (I literally don't know what happened to him, he could be dead or homeless and I wouldn't know) and even though she left me because she "didn't feel that way about me anymore", we still stayed friends because...I had no one else really...

And now, I'm back with myself, alone and abandoned for what I wish I could say was the first time, but even though I had suicide attempts before, this feels...somehow worse. I can't even feel the pain from the cigarette burns, I don't feel joy anymore and I can't sleep. I just feel...so alone...

Every one around me kept saying how great their holidays were and I sit here like "none of you called me..." but I still had her, I thought her having found a partner wouldn't change our relationship, but it did.

The worst part in this is that it's 100% my fault: I kept telling her how lost and depressed I was and when she found an option to finally be happy without having me to drag her down, what I kept telling her for 2 years, which is she'll eventually grow tired of me and leave, is actually happening. I drove her away with my eternal cynicism and now, I have to face what I was afraid would happen. Oh the irony...

I deleted my Facebook, not because of her, just to get my bearings and isolate myself a bit...that doesn't seem to make sense but I couldn't stand seeing all this happiness on my feed coupled with hers, it just crushes me even more knowing that I can't feel happiness as much as I can feel brief euphoria only to go back to a depressed/numb state for days on end.

I don't want to die...but I don't want to live either...not anymore, I'm too tired of fighting myself, my insecurities, my paranoïa and my self loathing...