I am one of those people that appear happy but inside is a chaotic mess. I have high anxiety and low self esteem. These are not symptoms of my depression but rather my baseline. My mom died when I was little and though my dad tried his hardest he was working or our so much I feel like there was a while I raised myself. I am at an age (about to turn 35) that I feel I should have found something I’m good at that I enjoy my calling if you will. At least away to sustain myself financially that I don’t absolutely hate. I have no passion I’m not really good at anything. Don’t get me wrong I am ok at many things I can do and at sometimes enjoy, but nothing that I can do to survive. 

I have spent that last year with a number of big changes. I became a mother over a year ago now, bought a house that we have been working on and have forced myself to go back to school. Trouble is school is always pushing you towards something. I can do the school I get good grades but I’m not sure I actually want to do the things I’m in school for. If I’ll be any better at those things then I am at anything else. 

The house is crushing my soul. While working on the house we moved into a 5th wheel. The scope of the work was supposed to be finished in October of last year. We have lived in the 5th wheel a year now. Our GC has told us it would be done by Halloween, then Christmas, then new year. Then we got held up for 4 months of waiting like holding your breath for four months. Now work has finally been able to continue and for the past 3 week only one day of work has happened. There are so many things I wanted to do with my daughter that I can not in this space.

My anxiety fluctuates with every none answer I get about where we are at on the house. I can not look forward to anything anymore because I don’t know when we will get our lives back. Now it has gotten to the point that I don’t want to go outside some days. I play with the kiddo but I feel like I could be doing such a better job teaching her about the world. I don’t read enough to her today we just watched pbs half the day. I motivated myself to do dishes only to turn around and see she had drawn all over her self. I feel like a shit mom. I love being a mom and think the world of my kid but I hope she will keep thinking the world of me even though I am such a failure. I’m constantly worried about if it’s really the house or if I’m just bad at everything I will ever try.