I realize this is too long and I don't expect anyone to read it. I could've worded this in a more interesting way or told more anecdotes but I will have to leave it as is.

I'm sure others here have it worse. I don't have a turbulent home life, I've never been abused or explicitly mistreated, I've never struggled with drugs or alcohol or rape. I'm young, I'm 17, I "have my whole life ahead of me." I don't relate to anyone I've seen post on this sub. But I feel completely and totally alone and alienated, and frankly I'm not sure I can live another two years without killing myself unless things really do get better. They never have.

I'm going to go on a long tangent here, knowing tangents usually get ignored. I can't assume I'm worth your time or anyone else's. I don't know what advice I'm asking for and I don't think I'm asking for advice. I'm speaking out into the void because it's better than not speaking at all.

I've never been in love and I haven't had a good friend for years. I talk with a good portion of kids at my school who I sit with and who find me funny, but I'm not sure any of them would prefer me to basically anyone else. We **never** hang out after school. They leave my messages on "seen" and they ignore me. This past Halloween they all went out together and did not tell me.

It often seems like my "friends" get it so easily. My best "friend" (he ignores all of my messages in a way that often seems personal) has had two relationships and been asked out twice besides in the last two years. I don't find any girls all that attractive but the idea of being in a relationship attracts me greatly. Not because I want to fuck (all some of my friends care about) or I want to touch someone or even look at them with longing but because all I really hope and wish for is someone who can understand me. 

I hope, without sounding self-aggrandizing (and I assure you I never speak about myself like this), I can say that I have a good mind. I'm set to graduate valedictorian. I'm often told I'm the smartest person someone has ever met. I win or tie for most of my school's math competitions, and I let everyone cheat off of me. I want to be a writer, and I've studied literature extensively, James Joyce and Marcel Proust and Samuel Beckett, to the point that I nearly have an encyclopedic knowledge of it. I have a million ideas in my head about what novel I want to write or film I'd love to direct. My future would seem set for me to become an artist.

But I know nothing of life because people deliberately exclude me from it. I feel no inspiration because no one has ever told me that I mattered. I would trust none of my "friends" with writing my epitaph because none of them seem to know who I am. Nobody seems to care.

Here's an illustration. I was talking to a girl everyone thought was kind and somehow she brought up me in conversation. The conversation veered off and I asked her what she thought was wrong with me. She told me I talked too little. That that made her uncomfortable. Later, she told her I talked too much. That that was annoying. She told me, in short, that everything was wrong with me. In the past few months I've been called, by several and various people, the "ugliest motherfucker alive," kicked and punched, and told to "kill myself." Sometimes it was said in jest, but often it seemed serious. Most people like me, I'll admit that, but they don't take any more interest in me than merely liking me or finding me funny or kind. So all these insults wouldn't mean anything to me.

If anyone cared about me. No one chooses me. I don't know anyone who wants me. I'm too different, I'm too self-aware, I'm too smart, I'm too stupid, I'm too funny, I'm too serious. Somehow, everything is wrong with me. So I worry I'll never be a writer or an artist. I worry that I'll just have to kill myself because, even if I've done nothing bad, even if I've caused no harm, **no one** has ever made me feel this world was a better place with me in it.