

Hello!

My current therapist told me that the situations with my former therapist were (sexual) abuse, but I am not sure if that's true, I am so confused and feel so guilty. 

I try to keep it short even though the situation is very complicated. 9 years ago (2013) I started a therapy, I was 20 years old and came from a very abusive household, I was severely depressed, no self worth and fought against bulimia. After one year I could move out from home and my then therapist helped me to build confidence, which worked to an extend. He also wanted me to find my femininity and accepting womanhood, something that has always been hard for me. When I made progess he often told me how beautiful I am and asked me if he's allowed to look at me. To be honest, these things made me fall in love with him, to a point where I became obsessed and also depressed because I knew that romantic relationships are not allowed between client and therapist, but I never told him how I felt. We often made "grounding exercises" which involved him touching me in a non-sexual way (arms etc.) but I often remember that he touched my arms, hair, cheek and told me how beautiful I am when I am in my femininity (it mostly made me feel awkward but ofc I enjoyed this. BTW I was 20 and he was around 45-50. There where many ambigous situations, in one i admitted that I had sexual feelings while getting touched but it made me feel ashamed. He also said that it arouses him sexually, but the point is as long as nothing happens there is nothing wrong with allowing this feelings. He also asked me that this is on the limit to tenderness and eroticism and that therapists usually do not things like that, and if my image of "therapist &amp; client" is still constant. I lied to him and said yes, because I was so afraid of him ending the therapy, which I needed so desperately. I fortunately have everything written down in my diary from that time, I had a unhealthy obsession with him and every touch made it worse, but I was also afraid of losing this, I know I was responsible for telling him my feelings but I was 20 years old and never felt love in my life, especially fatherly love. But he all did these "exercises" to give me the confidence and femininity that I needed in life, but when I read my diary today it somehow gives me a weird feeling.

Later on, when I started studying at university (2014/15) I was busy and I only had appointments with 4-6 weeks in between, and luckily i grew out of my obsession, I got to know other people and found my current partner. Our therapy sessions went back to "normal" and I often talked about problems in my relationship, I had the feeling that my therapist wasn't that invested and I made almost no progress for 3-4 years in this therapy. In 2018(?) I had a phase where I got more confident, athletic and tried to find myself more, and again all of the sudden he told me how beautiful and charismatic I became, asking me again to look at me and the "artwork" (new me). Again he asked me to touch me and there is the point where I get confused. My whole life I searched for validation, feeling loved and I only experienced it when I made myself a "consumable good", so I let him touch me. Instead of falling in love again I somehow felt weird about it, but also enjoyed the valitadion to my still non-existend self worth. Every session he asked me to wear something I feel good in, touching me, but also constantly asking me if its okay because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings or give me hope. I was somewhat torn between an illusion of validation and also guilt about being unloyal towards my partner, I never dared to tell my therapist telling him that I don't feel the same as him, I pretended to like it because I didnt want him to feel rejected. On one day he said he could no longer be my therapist because he is too attracted to me, which made me really sad because I needed therapy (i was suicidal and had many other symptoms at this time). I agreed and fell into a deep hole. Later on he wrote me a message that he wanted to discuss the whole thing, he doesnt want to hurt me and feels bad for me. I honestly think that he never had bad intentions or wanted to manipulate me, he just didnt know how to handle his sexual feelings. Every "discussion" ended into something sexual, he kissed me, penetrated me with his finger, wrote dirty messages, wanted me to send nudes, wanted to facetime etc etc.  The therapy was officially over at this time but it gives me a weird feeling anyways, I often made excuses not to do these things but sometimes i did what I thought he wanted.

My big problem is: When I told my current therapist about it I was in tears, but to be honest, I dont know why it made me upset. Most of the time it made me feel pissed because I didn't really want to engage in sexuality, but I somehow profited from the validation (for example my mother told me that men will leave if i cant fulfill them sexually ect, and other patriarchal ideas of being a worthy woman). 

I feel shame that I didnt say no and I feel more shame that I wasnt always passive, that I lied to him by saying that i enjoyed it too. And again, i dont think he had bad intentions and I see myself guilty because I didnt communicate openly about my feelings. And I feel shame that I enjoyed being a "good consumable woman". I wasnt always passive in sexual situations, even though I didnt get any sexual gratification from it. But what confuses me is that he often wanted to reassure that I dont feel hurt by this relationship, because he was afraid that I could catch feelings and he didnt want me to suffer. So is he a good guy? And i am egoistical for having feelings of worthiness as a desirable woman?

So my now therapist has the opinion that he used his position, that he had a responsibility for his own feelings and crossed so many boundaries. But as I said, maybe I am guilty too and most of the sexual stuff happend after the official therapy end. 

Why did I cry? Did I enjoy the idea being a victim? I thought sexual abuse leaves you broken, you are a victim and you tried to escape the abuse. But me? I was in love, then I enjoyed the attention, but it didnt break me. It only gave me the feeling "even in a safe space like therapy there is still a possibility that a man will sexualize you.". My new therapist gave me the understanding that not all male therapists are like this. I dont feel "abused", but somehow I get really weird feelings about this whole situation, I am so much younger (I am now 28) and somehow the whole thing is creepy. His contact ended last year, because I ghosted him multiple times. I told my partner everything, I want to be honest with him even though I was afraid of his reaction, but he also thought that my ex therapist had the responsibility and used/abused me, but I wanted my partner to know that I can fully understand that my egoism probably hurts him. 

What do you think? Is this sexual abuse? Or was it just an affair?? Can you understand my feelings of guilt? And why did I cry when I was telling this? Am I an attention seeker playing the vicitm?

I need your help!! Thanks for every answer!