I was already so depressed before I got pregnant. Smoking weed, and drinking as much as possible everyday. Deep in nicotine addiction. Beating myself up for never doing anything productive, but icing those feelings with more weed and alcohol.

But when I got pregnant, I had a reason to get clean. A reason to be a good person, to improve. A self-image that was honorable.

I was only pregnant for three months. I've been clean for two. But now it all feels so hopeless again. I have no direction. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I spent multiple times during my pregnancy berating my fiance for choosing to drink and do drugs without a plan, since we both struggled with addiction. But now here I am, a hypocrite, trying so hard to convince myself that drugs won't solve the problem.

But why not go back to who I was? I'm no longer a mother-to-be, I'm just the shitty little lazy POS high schooler that I always had been. Why bother being better? Why not let everything fall apart? I'll suffer either way.