I know that’s an awful word to use, but I can’t think of anything else. I can’t do anything right, I can’t take directions, everyone thinks I’m a dumbass and a nuisance and they are right, I make everyone life harder. I have no excuse! I’ve been given every advantage and I’ve squandered it, I’m a massive piece of shit, people supposedly like me but I’m retarded that’s why they like me. I’m a lovable fucking dumbass, a stupid kid even though I’m not a fucking kid anymore. 

I want to die so so so so badly, just to escape this pain. I hate myself so so much, I hate everything I am, my very essence. I deserve this pain because I’m the devil, but I still hate this suffering. God I sound insufferable.

This is stupid I’m screaming into the void, that’s all. I *feel* retarded even if I know I’m not, it’s a shit god awful word to say but there isn’t another one to use, that’s what I am. I stupid fucking perpetual child, who should’ve drowned in the pool when he was 11 instead of fucking getting saved just to humiliate himself through the next 10 years of his life.

That camp counselor should’ve let me fucking drown. No one would miss some stupid kid except my parents, and they would’ve gotten over my death by now if I had died all those years ago. They might have even stayed together, they could’ve bonded over my fucking death in the goddamn swimming pool. I was a piece of shit back then too.

This is so self pitying don’t be like me. I’m not sure how you should be but don’t don’t don’t be like me. Be anyone else but me I’m the fucking worst. I brought everything on myself I deserve this I’m the devil