Hey there, I'm a 20 year old female, recently diagnosed with depression with BPD symptoms (said I was in an early stage so it would be manageable).
I'm starting an intensive 2 days a week treatment in september. One day group therapy where we learn DBT skills. One day invidual therapy. She said it was really effective and I hope so but right now I'm very close to doing bad things.
I really enjoy school, but during summer vacations I work and work makes me feel so bad already. Now I'm on antidepressants but I'm also on antibiotics at the moment and they block out the antidepressants and I can definetly notice it clearly.

Now, my boyfriend of 1,5 years is on a vacation with two of his friends (that are really loose imo so I worried about cheating at first) and now he just told me.. he'd be back in 3 weeks at most. that's not what he told me at first and when he comes back.. school starts and he's gonna have to work for his study so he won't have time for me anymore.

Now, he's my only social network. My parents are what you would call  narcisisstic, they don't really care at all about me. I get alot of invalidation from them. Then, I can't hold a friendship at all. The black and white thinking is extreme. This means I'm on my own. People tell me I depend too much on my boyfriend but he's the only one who takes me seriously. I do have a classmate I really like and can talk to.. but she was in an institution for a year because of her BPD and she was all alcohol-addicted, cutting, suicidal and I'm just.. not. I'm so mild compared to others. So I'm scared to tell her about my diagnosis and I don't know what to do.

Every time therapists ask me about my social network I feel like crying because I'm all on my own and I got really angry when my boyfriend just texted me he'd be there longer. I tried to remain calm and rational, but I think I sent some bad texts anyway. I'm scared of losing him but there's the thoughts that tell me to dump him or yell at him or manipulate him. And I try to distract myself but that's pushing emotions away and I don't know.

I wish I could just get rid of this disorder because it sucks and I've never been so confused about my own fucking feelings before. It's unfair I can't trust my own feelings and feel so stupid about them. I've never self harmed but I can't stop thinking about it (mostly to manipulate him tbh which is very very bad but I can't help it) and sticking fingers down my throat. I also think alot about killing myself but even my therapists tell me constantly 'but we're not too worried you would, you're very mild'. 

I just wish I could not constantly hate my friends and boyfriend and have some control over things. I'm working again tomorrow and customers are so rude and I feel like I'm about to burst any second and I looked forward to seeing my boyfriend monday.. but now he said he'd be back thursday.. because of a school thing.. and I work friday and Saturday.. so I'm all alone for another week at least. Im not sure what I'm asking you but I don't know where to vent because I want to look cool and happy on social networks and I don't have anyone to talk to. My boyfriend is not responding because he no longer has wifi.