I don't think people get how much I hate myself like, I genuinely hate myself and it's not a cry for attention or wanting sympathy I just Literally hate myself and It's kinda weird cause I don't even know why I started hating myself, I mean I have an idea of why but I can pin point the exact reason. Like I literally like have suicidal thoughts 24/7 - 365. Im always saying I wanna kill myself and that I hate myself aloud around family and in public and everyone kinda like thinks I'm joking but if only they knew the seriousness behind every statement. I'm black, Black family so obviously mental health isn't something taken seriously in my family but I sometimes wonder if they know that they have a ticking time bomb on their hands. I'm trying to hold on for my family so that I don't hurt them but sometimes the thoughts get so loud and the urge gets so strong that I have to dope up on sleeping pills to sleep through it.  I bused to be fun and bubbly and loved everything and everyone but now nothing excites me I pretty much stay to myself which sucks I truly hate being around me... Like I wish sometimes I wasn't me, maybe my life would be better, Maybe I'd have friends, or at least have dated someone by now... Or even kissed someone, but since im forced to be this annoying Fat, ugly, sack of shit, I guess I'll just settle for being alone for the rest of my life until I can finally end it ... Once I push everyone away