I really can't believe how well this stuff works for me. It's like magic.

SSRIs all made me feel worse. Buspar was worthless for me. Xanax and Ativan work but I'm an addict and I have no interest in being prescribed benzos, nor would any reasonable doctor give them to me. Nothing else has seemed to make much of a difference: exercise, meditation, diet, therapy, etc.

But this stuff just makes me feel fine. And more than that, it makes me feel amazing. I know it's just supposed to be a anxiolytic antihistamine, but to me it feels like a recreational drug.

Maybe I have more anxiety than I realize. Maybe this effect is really just the sudden relief of feeling "normal" for the first time in nearly a decade. I can't imagine why else it would feel so fucking amazing.

I'm well aware of the long-term risks of taking it regularly and it sucks so bad, because everything else about this drug is perfect to me. I wish desperately that I could take it every day --- it would absolutely change every aspect of my life. I feel like I've finally gotten the experience of being ok but now it's just out of reach. What's that thing that Smokey Robinson said about how a taste of honey is worse than none at all? That's how I feel right now. It's the greatest feeling I've had in years and simultaneously the biggest bummer.