This is a very vulnerable post I'm about to make, but I'm hoping this resonates with someone here.

In short: I experience pleasure when I spit and see the results of my withdrawal from another person, usually how they respond to my lack of emotional support. 

I'm a chronic people pleaser, recovering codependent, and I have have diagnosed BPD. I am soft spoken and shy, but I enjoy supporting people and being an introverted extrovert. 

I'm the listening ear for many people in my life, especially for my FP(s). For people who are FPs, they enjoy the validation I give them and have been told by many people that they feel very seen by me. I am usually the person they dependent on for their daily unloading after a hard day or week. I attract a lot of narcissists who know that I'm more than willing to validate them, unfortunately. I'm more than happy until...they do something that exposes them as a narcissist or if I perceive them as someone who has been using/betraying me. Usually, it is when there is actual betrayal or they said something that made me realize how much they take me for granted. 

When I split, I literally feel the moment or instant when it happens. After, I tend to shut down and distance myself, first, very gradually, and in a couple of days, it is as if I'm completely different person to them until I finally drop out of their life. It all kinda happens within a span of just few weeks.  

As a result of my withdrawing back, I see gradual signs of desperation to bring me back into their life. It's like they are having withdrawals from whatever they got from me. Unfortunately, it is a source of pleasure for me to see how desperate they are to have me back in their life and it always seems to happen. Usually, I keep to my withdrawing for a very long time, until something in life brings me back to them...and then I feel useful to another person, particularly them, again. 

I feel guilty and uncomfortable when I feel the pleasure though. It is a time when  I am confronted with the self-awareness of my high self-ego which makes me feel like it contradicts my self-image of being charitable, selfless, and empathetic. Simultaneously, I also have feelings that I am inherently a bad person. It's a lot to unpack and its exhausting.