As of recently I’ve been taking vyvanse recreationally. It’s a stupid move, I know, though I did it for help on finishing up assignments, focusing while studying and avoidance of nighttime binge-eating. I’ve been told by others that use it that you experience a big dopamine rush where you get really happy and just overwhelmed by positive emotions. 

I’ve found that I do not experience that at all. If anything, it feels like my negative emotions are more amplified then they already are without vyvanse and having BPD. I do gain a lot of mental clarity and feel a little less irrational in my thinking, like I am able to step back from my BPD brain, but I always end up feeling that deep pain in my chest and 10x more intensity in my negative emotions then if I were sober. I’ve realized I become quite su*c*dal on vyvanse as I feel like I can really see how deep of a hole I’ve dug for myself in multiple areas of my life-due to my BPD and shitty coping mechanisms. 

I know there’s a comedown where you can feel depressed, though I feel as if I’m experiencing that severe comedown the whole time vyvanse is in my system. For example, a friend of mine is upset with me at the moment and I do not know why, and I’m fighting the urge to not self destruct. Usually I would feel anger at him being upset with me and demonize him to cope, though with vyvanse I feel more self-aware of this destructive coping and just feel gutted. I wish I could talk it out and fix things as I do not know why he is upset, but I am beginning to realize I do not want to subject friends to having to deal with me anymore. I feel a crave to isolate more then ever. 

Wondering if this is common with others without ADHD but with BPD who have used vyvanse? Do you feel the dopamine rush? Or is it just a constant wave of sadness?