I know my family loves me and wants me to be happy but I feel so exhausted by guilt every time they’re around me when I’m struggling. Then I try to be as okay as I can and hold it together for them because I want them to be proud of me, but it makes me feel even more isolated in my head. 
I don’t want them to have to see their daughter so shattered. It breaks my heart knowing how much it hurts them and it makes me feel so so guilty and ashamed for filling their lives with this poison.
This then results in me withdrawing myself and becoming distant from my family which only results in more GUILT about not making effort to nurture our relationship. 

I feel constantly stuck in this inner conflict of extreme guilt and shame over everything I am and do in my life and when I try to remedy it by making a change, I arrive at a dead end with more guilt and shame.