I woke up with anxiety yesterday, a heavy dread. I so wanted to go back to sleep but I couldn't. Up dressed and showered. I went for a walk and found my favourite peaceful spot. I started to journal. It was hard to concentrate. From writing I uncovered I am still struggling with heart break after my relationship ended 4 months ago. Maybe feeling of heart ache can manifest in strong feelings of anxiety? It makes sense seeing as anxiety is a fear of the future. Its confusing.

I so wanted to cancel going to a friends house yesterday. But what was the alternative? Sit with this tough feeling alone all day, or sit with the tough feeling with company? I chose the latter. I'm glad I did. I had a panic attack in the taxi heading there. A sudden hot flush and a feeling of doom. I let it wash through me and it passes.

I sat in his house all day. Watching garbage television. I wasn't really watching. Just hyperfocused on my symptoms. But at least it got interrupted with smatterings of good conversation. He's a good friend and knows what I'm going through. My mind tried to come up with reasons to leave on the hour every hour, but I stayed. I need to show the anxiety there is no danger and there's no need to engage in the 'flight response'. Felt waves of anxiety / dread come and go as I sat watching the TV. But I rode those scary waves.

We went for a walk late evening around the park. It was hard to ignore the crushing weight on my chest and the derealisation that felt like a glass prison. Despite this, its amazing how you can still hold down decent conversation. Anxiety and depression tricks you into thinking you can't do these things. You can.

Home again. There was a sense of relief. The anxiety melted away. For a few moments I felt 'normal' whatever that is. I was able to eat and watch some tv. I was proud of what I did despite how I felt. I won't let it stop me seeing my friends and moving forward.

I managed some silent meditation before bed and visualised an easier day the next day.

Lessons learnt:

Say yes when the anxiety says no but keep within your zone of tolerance until the zone widens.

You can function remarkably well even when anxious and depressed.

Ride those waves as they come and go.

I'm not missing out on life, life is waiting for me when I recover.