I'm going to loose someone I care deeply for if I don't control myself.

I've lied and manipulated the only person (let's call him Jay) that genuinely cares for me for the past 12 years. 

I have a lot of trauma from my biological family, and I don't want to use that as an excuse. However I am finally admitting to myself that what I have done Is not okay.

I usually dismiss, or avoid any conversation that has to do with my mental health.

I've seen a therapist for 2 online zoom sessions, but I lied my ass off.
For some reason lying and making up a fantasy life was so relieving? I wish it were true.

I use men for my own personal self gain. The most important person in my life found out how much I "cheated" on him. 

Jay was rightfully furious and threatens to kick me out. He hit me, but then he was gentle and told me that he is the only person that it keeping me accountable. 
He cares for me deeply and saw a future together.
He was the only person who loved me for me..

And I threw it away.
With my decision i actively ripped our future in pieces..
He gave me everything and I took him for granted. 

He is right to be mad. He really did give me a new life.
However even though I'm the person who is at fault, I still get upset with him when he hits me.

I get upset and sad when he threatens to kick me out, and when he told me to pack a bag and keep it in the car.
 That way if he changes his mind he can kick me out to the street in an instant.

Today he kept saying "I found somewhere for you to go".

It terrifies me.
I get sad
Then scared
Then i feel like my life is falling apart and I'm going to be homeless. 

But I understand. 

His feelings are valid.

His anger is valid 

If someone did that to me I would not want to speak to them again

But we still live under the same roof
And he still drops me off at work

And we are still sexually intimate 

But he told me I can't kiss him on the lips anymore

Because all he sees is a whore.

I'm sorry Jay.

I wish i could take it back
But I knew what I was doing.

No excuses.

He doesn't want my toxicity to spread to his family. 

And thats why we kept our relationship a secret. 

And that's why he wants to kick me out if I don't better

I use quotation marks on the word cheat because we are not technically together but we sleep and live together with his family. 

I am practically part of his family, and his mother treats me like a daughter. 

If the whole family knew what I did, I'm sure they would be disappointed,  even want me to disappear. 

I was sexually/orally active with multiple partners at once. I was hiding, scheming, and using any lie I can think of so that he wouldn't find out. 

I would drink and binge eat. I am the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I eat and eat, and don't stop even when I'm full. Afterwards I feel guilty and put a finger down my throat and force myself to throw up.

I loved attention from men.

I loved the flirting, the money, the food.

I loved the intimacy.

Even when I had Jay waiting for me at home.

It even went so far where I had a guy come from out of state just so I can break his heart.

I'm a horrible person

I try to be a good person 

But I know my actions are horrible.

I was taking medication but changed insurances so now I'm waiting to see my new pcp to get a script for fluoxetine. [Think I spelled it right]

Regardless of my actions I still feel like a victim. Stupid right.
I work hard. I go to school.
Am pursing a doctorates.
Am a good daughter and cook and clean.
I help take care of my special needs sister [Jay's sister] Everything on the outside looked right. 

But the inside is rotten

Spoiled rotten

I need help.

Before I don't admit to myself anymore 

And become a whore who lives on a street.