I don't really understand it. It's heavy and comforting. That sadness that seems to come from within your chest and then wrap itself around you until you become cocooned inside it. You don't want to move, eat, go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. Lay in bed for days. Leave dishes everywhere, stay in the same clothes for days, don't answer your phone. Let your plants die, pile up dirty clothes. It sucks. But it's warm and comforting like a nostalgia from years ago, like a weighted blanket you can't keep off of you.

I used to have these kinds of episodes. On smaller scales, not super long periods of time, but I was dealing with this. Since then I've spend each and every day just clawing my way out of that blanket; forcing open the cocoon. Fight to keep myself functional, as a productive human being.

I can't afford to go into a depression like this. I have a job, a life. But damnit if I'm not inclined to take a week or 2 off of work so I can fall into this again.

Depression sucks. Don't get me wrong. I hate being in the middle of a delicious meal and then getting hit with a pang of deep sadness so strong that I have absolutely zero appetite and have to throw that great food away. At my worst I didn't eat for days. I tried to claw myself from that blanket and I just couldn't. That strength of fight I need to keep myself afloat just wasn't there. I would make myself bowls of top ramen just to take 2 bites of it, almost vomit, and pour it out. These episodes really suck. 

But they're almost addictive. I have a hard time talking about this in therapy. I say that I almost want to be depressed, and they look at me like I'm crazy. Or worse, they'd gently, almost unintelligibly, raise an eyebrow and give a soft "huh" before writing something down on their clipboard. I hate the clipboard. 

But I can't be the only one. It reminds me of times when my problems were different. Not better or worse, but different. When I would get joy out of laying in bed at 4 am, watching tim Burton movies and cutting (as edgy as that sounds- i only did it once). It made me incredibly sad, yes, but there's a lingering happiness behind just letting all that fight go and being awash in a thick, dark, warm cloud. And I can't help but wonder if I'm alone in this feeling.