So I was best friends with this guy for 5 years. He was the longest male friendship I've ever had. I meet him in 2017 right when I was diagnosed with BPD. He became my FP immediately the day I met him. ( We met at a wedding and spent the night together and a friends house).

Fast forward a few years we took our relationship to the left level and became friends with benefits. He knew that I had feelings for him because I told him many times but he never felt the same way and so sex was all he could offer. He then later admitted that he was using me for sex, after I got admitted into the psych ward. He called me the " n word" (he's white), and I found texts saying how I was annoying and I was so attached to him that I forgave him. I guess he felt bad for me that he said that he would date me for a month so I agreed and a month turned into two. Then when he broke up with me I ended up in the psych ward again, and he told me that he was going to date his coworker that I've been having a feeling that he had feelings for.

We ended up being friend afterwards. But then he told his current girlfriend that I have BPD and that hurt so much because she already has preconceived notions about people with BPD and they're not good. Then one day out of the blue he just ghosted me. It was until I said "I'm going to house if you dont reply to me" that he finally replied with " I don't want to be your friend anymore, I'm sorry" that crushed me. That happened over a year ago and I can't stop texting him still about how much I hate him then going to how much I care about him then hate him again. It even got to the point where I can't stop checking his gf's Instagram page every day because it's public and can't stop comparing us. Is it because she's prettier? White? Thin? And I'm not?

Please, tell me how I can leave them alone and move on. I'm currently talking to this girl that I really like, but even that doesn't stop the thoughts of my old FP and his gf. I just want to move on and be happy.