TLDR I still feel really shitty when I think about my boyfriend cheating a year ago. How can I get through it and stop the bad feelings?

Sorry about the length. It was very cathartic to write. 




My boyfriend and I (both of us 22) have been together for 2.5 years. For the most part, we’re really good; he’s understanding and patient and caring, especially when I have my bad days. He’s literally the love of my life. 

But around a year ago, I think I genuinely hated him. He’d gone on a night out with friends, and the next morning, he told me that he’d fucked up. Kissed another girl in a club. 

In my head, kissing someone while drunk in a club is bad, but forgivable. I was really upset, but it seemed like he felt even worse, so I told him it was okay and to stop crying and that I forgive him. 

And then he told me he hadn’t just kissed her. He’d gone back to her house, his jeans had come off, he was on her fucking bed ready to fucking fuck her, and THATS only when he thought of me, felt guilty, and decided to go home. 

He told me he felt so guilty that he wanted to die. I could get that. It made me want to die too. I felt fat and ugly and unwanted and unloveable and so, so stupid. While he was going to the other girl’s house, I’d had a friend over for drinks and was telling him how amazing my boyfriend is. Ha! The irony. 

We’d been in a really good place at the time. We hadn’t argued in weeks, I was genuinely happy for a sustained period of time, and he fucked it up. If we’d been arguing or if I’d said something mean before he’d gone out then I suppose it’d be more understandable, but it felt to me that he’d just taken our relationship and fucking shat on it for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I was devastated. 

In order for him to go to her house, there’d have to have been some build up - intense kissing, I suppose? Provocative dancing? Groping? In the time between the kissing and the undressing, he’d either thought of me and completely pushed me to the back of his mind, or he just didn’t think of me at all. And I don’t know which is worse. 

I didn’t think it was reparable.

This happened in May 2017, and the first month or so after was really rough. The first time we kissed after it happened... his mouth felt like a stranger’s. It made me cry. But we, or rather I, powered through it. He didn’t stop apologising for weeks. I didn’t stop crying about it for a while either. 

And even now, a whole year later, I find myself feeling so completely heartbroken when I think about it. I go through phases of thinking about it far too fucking much, and it gets me so unbelievably down. I don’t feel like I can talk to him about it, because he gets super upset and talks about dying which just makes me feel worse. 

The logical part of my brain believes him when he says he’d rather die than do that to me again, that he’s never so much as thought of another girl before or since then, that it was a stupid fucked up mistake, that he wants me and only me, that he loves me more than everything in the world. 

And then the borderline part of me is just like lol fuck off liar and makes me want to down a bottle of vodka and a handful of pills. Because he was suppose to love me, and he really fucking hurt me, so obviously he’s never ever loved me and our whole relationship is a lie and I’m fat and ugly which is why he wanted someone else and he’s an absolute massive fucking cunt.

I don’t know how to stop thinking bad thoughts about it. For a while, he stopped drinking and going to clubs or bars because I didn’t like it and it would make me feel anxious and angry and sad. He does go to bars and stuff now. Makes me feel anxious and angry and sad still, but I don’t want to be “that girlfriend” that’s controlling or possessive or anything. Plus I want him to have fun. And I’m a recovering alcoholic, so it’s not like we could do that stuff together. 

He went out last night, told me he wouldn’t get too drunk, but he called me a couple times just to tell me how wankered he was. Pissed me off, but at least if he’s calling me, it means he’s not at someone else’s house. But fucking fuck. 

I could really do with some words of wisdom. My friends don’t really understand. I usually can’t find the words to talk about it anyway. I know that they like him but they think he’s a prick for what he did, and I agree. But I don’t want to call him some names and think that I’m over it. I don’t want to be angry. I want to accept what happened, and move on. I want to be able to think back to what happened and not feel like dying or hurting myself. I want to be able to talk about how I feel with him, without him getting upset from the guilt. I want him to have never done it in the first place. 

Any advice on how to work through how I feel will be so massively appreciated. I don’t know how to not be sad. 

Think I need to go cry now. Thanks for reading if you got all the way through. 