I used to cut myself in fifth grade not because I was completely depressed but because that’s all I saw all over Instagram, social media etc. I feel like it planted a seed into my head making me think I am depressed but at the same time I knew I wasn’t, idk how to explain. I went to counseling regardless and nothing helped, it all felt stupid. I stopped going and started cutting myself again in sixth grade which started counseling again after the school saw. It was on and off from 7th-9th grade, counselors and the cutting. I think when I got to highschool I started getting genuinely depressed for lots of reasons. Parents divorced, friends, mental abuse, SA, etc. I still always had friends throughout this which helped. I never was at the point where I genuinely thought of suicide. 11th grade was the same way, kind of depressed but never fully there &amp; I stopped counseling. I think 12th grade is when I started realizing life is actually shit. Sat in the bathrooms during lunch, didn’t have social media, came home and slept for 12 hours straight, cut off everything. Moral of the story, I think depression has always been there but not enough to the point where I was suicidal. I’ve thought about suicide a few times throughout then but I don’t think I’d ever really do it back then, I was always a little bit happy. I know how life is now. Love isnt real, friendships are fake and parents are obligated to love you ( I’m 18 not so they don’t have to apparently). Nothing in the world is real. We’re all going to die at some point. Why am I killing myself everyday just to die eventually. Life is what you make of it but what if you’re just not happy. I don’t think anything will ever make me happy. I have a dog who “adores me” and a boyfriend who says he “loves me”. I still don’t feel loved. I don’t even love myself. I think love is fake. I genuinely think that some people are born to take care of other people, to make other people happy. As a person, I will never be happy. No counseling will help, no medications ( I’ve tried three different kinds ). Nothing. I’m sitting in my room right now looking up ways to kill myself but something in my mind isn’t letting me. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t really want to or if I’m scared of how to do it. I don’t know myself anymore. Life is not worth it. I feel like even this doesn’t describe how I feel, I’m so frustrated and mad at the world. I hate everyone and everything. I feel a hatred for my boyfriend as well. I think I’ve been brainwashed so badly to the point where I made myself suicidal. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I want to end it. I used to think I was depressed but then when suicide crossed my mind I could never bring myself to it. When it crosses my mind now it doesn’t phase me. What do I do. I think I’m going to end up doing it. I can’t figure out how to be happy. I think some people will just never be happy. I’m one of those people so what’s the point of life. Nothing for us. We don’t belong here. I don’t.