basically the title. i don’t see the point of trying to feel better if my life’s just gonna be the fucking same. i want to be something i want to do something. i want to do something in the world. i don’t want to be happy for no reason. i don’t want therapy i have no interest in paying something to pretend to care about me. i’m not going to do it but i see no one not to end it all. all i’ve had my entire life has been escapism and blind hope and optimism as well as a mom who just wants to help me. i’ve been struggling with severe mental illness since i was 11 and im 17 now. (i’ve been diagnosed with depression anxiety and adhd was diagnosed with bipolar a few times but idk if i have it and have had delusions and dissociative symptoms i’m currently on meds and i have been in therapy but i’m not anymore)i have no qualifications to get into college. mother dearest thinks i should go to community at first but i HATE the area i live in and everyone in it. not to mention it has connections to trauma for me. i need to get out of here and to have a change if i have any chance of being happy and seeing 20. i should apply to some colleges but i know i won’t get in and the rejections might trigger me to commit. i’m so sorry for posting this.