Extra long story told extra short, I have pushed away all of my friends for good. A particular event happened a couple months ago which kind of sealed the deal of me ruining my friendships. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 30. And all day I was just praying for someone to reach out. For my former friends to reach out and want to reconcile things. For my former FP to remember that it was my birthday and for her to reach out despite everything that's happened because I still mattered to her. But none of those people reached out. None of them have reached out at all in the past couple months, in fact.

I told myself that if nobody reached out on my birthday, that would be my signal to get over it and to move on and to start living my life... only I don't know how to do that. Because for most/all of my adult life, this has been the thing I've focused on. This has been the thing that's consumed the majority of my thoughts in the past decade. I don't want to type out the whole story because it's very long, but that group of friends has always kind of felt like home to me... and there have been problems in that group and there has been drama in that group, but I always knew that it would all work out and I would have these amazing friends and this amazing best friend to whom I could speak about anything. And I was so certain about all of that in my mind for so long that I don't know how to move forward into a future where none of that is real.

I'm trying out new hobbies, I'm trying to meet new people, I'm trying to be a better friend/family member/whatever to the people in my life who still don't despise me... I'm really trying. I'm really trying to find meaning. But I can't do it. I can't fathom it. What keeps me afloat is my ability to distract myself from all of that, but it's an inescapable thing at the end of the day. I feel like my identity, my worth as a person, and my place in life were all strongly tied to that group of people... and that group of people that I've always longed for really does not like me. The person who was supposed to be my best friend, who was always going to be there for me, who was always going to be there to laugh about inside jokes with, who was always going to understand my emotional issues... that person isn't going to be any part of my life anymore.

I've put so much energy into thinking about that group and the drama and how to fix everything for years. I wanted to badly for things to be amicable for so long. I wanted to love my friends and be loved by them, but I'm not... and I genuinely don't know how to move forward without all of the imaginary support/friends I thought I had. I don't know how to find meaning in a world where people you trust and love for 10 years can just turn around and destroy it all. I don't know how I'm supposed to continue living like this.

Idek how much of this makes sense. I hate that I wrote any of this and I don't want to read any of it back because then it'll be stuck in my head for longer. How do you move past something like that? What reasons are there to keep slogging through the muck and hard days? And what drives you guys? What charges you with the energy and motivation you need to actually live your life? I can't find it anymore