When I was 3 years old I had this babysitter that would beat me any chance she got. Even for things that her own children would do. For example; if I were holding a cup of juice and her daughter came running by and bumped into me causing me to drop that juice, she'd beat the hell out of me. One day my babysitter moved and my dad dropped me off in the morning. He forgot to tell my mom where the new apartment was so she didn't know where to pick me up. The babysitter didn't have a phone so my mom couldn't just call and ask for the address. Actually, I don't think my mom had a phone either so she couldn't call my dad at work. After my dad got off work he went to the bar to blow his paycheck away. By the time he had come home, it was time for me to get dropped off again so I just stayed another day. But I didn't know any of that at the time. All I knew was my daddy left me with the lady that hurt me and wasn't coming back. I remember sitting at the window looking out and trying not to cry. The lady didn't like it when I cried and thought hitting me more would make me stop. (Sudden realization: I've been hiding my tears and wearing a fake smile since I was 3, thought I started doing that much later.) I was scared and felt unloved and unwanted. No 3 year old should ever feel those feelings and think those thoughts. It messes them up. Now I'm terrified of being abandoned.