I’ve been drinking to feel less agonizing pain over my break up (TW) aggressive self harm all over  my body, relapsing into my Ed. I just moved to my own place in a new city I barely know, I was staying with family 4 months prior to now since I’ve been trying to get myself grounded with new employment and finding my own place two weekends ago I moved into my place and since that weekend I’ve been spiraling. He was perfect for me he was the only man I’ve opened up to with such vulnerability on all levels in my life from identity to history/past and insecurities and he was the only person I’ve ever dated who embraced what I deeply hated about myself, he showed me around the area and introduced me to beautiful scenery and great food spots but it’s been two weeks and I’ve spoke to him since then because he wants to remain friends even though he doesn’t see himself as my husband or more so as he stated he doesn’t believe he has a ‘person’ out there for him that’s a soulmate and that aches my heart because he’s MY favorite person out there. When he comes back from a trip he’s going to drop off my hiking boots he bought for me and said he has a gift  and would like to hug me . The problem is he broke up with me but after all that still treated me as his girlfriend and had me sleep over all last weekend we were intimate and all and it KILLED me to sleep next to someone I would die for and he for some reason didn’t want to be labeled my boyfriend yet still treat me the same but be considered my friend ?? He was mature about everything , he’s in the process of moving into his own place and also has severe mental health issues he deals with so he said he broke up with me because he felt he was a f*ck up because of his financial status and how he can’t provide for me  how he’d like plus he’s working more and he’s in the process of looking for his own place before august. But he also says he feels emotionally unavailable to be a “healthy” boyfriend … I don’t think he’s lying but it’s hard when I have family saying that’s it’s probably a bs excuse feeding that in my head so now I told him I can’t be friends because of the physical pain it gives me to be friends with someone I love and I won’t have a chance with. I just hope he changes his mind… my doctor switched me from zoloft to Wellbutrin and also trazadone, hopefully something helps sooner than later.