I thought this would be a good place to post this since a lot of people here understand where I might come from. 

While I've not been officially diagnosed with BPD, I strongly suspect that I have it. All the characteristics match. I have an extreme fear of abandonment and I get easily attached to everyone (mostly of the opposite sex) I interact with. When I get attached to them, I become dependent on them and I just need reassurance from them that they won't leave me and that they actually like me. 

I don't really have any friends or SOs. I've been alone for a long time and haven't had any intimacy. I guess I've become desperate for any affection.

Anyways the other day I made the decision to go see an escort. It's not the kind of thing I'd usually do. I only did it once before, so I thought '' eh why not ''. I just wanted to have some fun.

I went and saw her. I ended up getting a little more than just raw sex. She was pretty affectionate, and after I left I felt warm and fuzzy inside. Before I knew it, my previous favorite person (who I haven't talked to in a long while) became less important in my mind. Because I felt like now I have someone new. 

I never in a million years would have thought this would happen. To get attached to an escort. I know what I experienced with her was not '' real ''. I was paying her and it was just a business transaction. But it sure felt real. There was some emotional bonding in the experience.

As I said, I saw an escort before too but I didn't feel like this after that. That was just a raw, mechanical experience. That's what I thought it would be like. 

I don't even know what to feel now. I know what I'm doing would just be classified as '' sad '' by most people. I feel like I'm fooling myself by lying to myself because it'll just make me feel less alone. 

I know my post has no clear question, but I just wanted to let it out here. I'm very confused inside.