Hello. This past year has been irrevocably difficult for me. I attempted suicide, spent thousands of dollars in the span of 3 weeks, withdrew from school, got a divorce, lost every friend (every. friend.), went to a residential treatment center, got sober, started school again, faced rejection from friends, learned that said friends told people about my psychotic break, as such dealt with intense paranoia being back at school... I live alone for the first time in my life (I’m 25). I have no one. I have no one I can just reach out to when I’m feeling sad. Something changes with BPD when you are aware of your emotions, their source and your reality. I found it a lot easier to exist when my emotions ruled and defined my reality. But that so clearly had led me here. The hardest part of my life. So in some ways I’m thankful that my emotions align with reality. 

But it’s hard living in the reality of my choices. I know the things I did that explains my reality. But that makes me really really dislike myself. Which feels separate from self hatred. Am I making sense. I just feel alone.