*Note: I’m not asking anyone here for a diagnosis, I’m not trying to break rule 4, this post is mostly venting and rambling, and genuinely asking the question of the title. If you don’t want to read it you can just respond to the title — I’m genuinely curious.* 

I‘ve been in therapy for a few months now, and I think I’ve made *some* progress. But there’s been no diagnoses yet. My psychologist believes I definitely have a condition that’s not just some form of depression or anxiety, but he hasn’t said anything yet. I just wonder where his head at. 

I’ve spoken a lot about mood swings (we ruled out Bipolar btw). I feel like I’ve spoken a lot about black and white thinking in relation to those mood swings (without using any specific terms). I’ve spoken about anger in relation to these mood swings. I’ve spoken a lot about dissociation. I’ve spoken a lot about emptiness. I’ve spoken about a disturbed sense of self. I’ve spoken about fears of abandonment. I’ve spoken about my history of impulsive/risky behavior and self harm. 

And I feel like all of this has been brought up organically. I didn’t just show up and say [I have the diagnostic criteria for this condition]. I actually talked about my experiences, and how I’ve felt for most of my life (feeling neglected and invalidated). And I love psychology, I think it’s interesting and have done so much research, but every time I would read about BPD, specifically quiet/discouraged BPD, it can feel like someone wrote out my feelings for me. I feel like I’m very self aware, and my suspicions weren’t raised until after I did a lot of self reflection and even more research.

I do feel things intensely, and I struggle daily dealing with it. I don’t know who I really am or what I want out of life (or maybe I do and I’m constantly suppressing as much as possible). I spend a lot of my time dissociated in response to any kind of stress so I’m not actively panicking. I quit my job because it wasn’t manageable with what I go through on a daily basis. But with all this “free time” I still feel incapable of doing the things I need to do to better myself. Or even things I want to do. I’ve made myself my own prisoner somehow. 

But a label is a just a label. It’s not going to fix anything. **I don’t want to have this disorder**, but I’m suspicious and it would be nice to have any sort of official explanation to give myself and those closest to me. Because telling myself/them I’m just anxious or depressed doesn’t cut it. My problems being only depression and anxiety just doesn’t make sense to me or my psychologist. 

I think next session I’m going to ask him what he thinks about everything we’ve talked about thus far. I know he really wants to identify the root of it all. And I feel like we’ve made a lot of progress on that front. And when I’ve told him about how I feel and why I believe I am the way I am, he says it makes sense. I guess maybe it’s worth stressing too that I’ve been an emotional wreck since I was a small child, much more than other kids, in case biological factors are at play too (but that’s hard to tell without a scan or test).

But anyways, I guess I’ll stop rambling. If you actually read all that, thanks for taking the time to listen to me. I appreciate it. I just always have a lot to say, if anything at all, and I’ve been exhausted for so long. 

Also one last thing: To all the people that don’t have the resources to see a professional right now, your feelings are valid and I hope in the future you are able to receive the closure and support you need.