I'm a 23 year old male, I'm unemployed, have no friends, no hobbies, no girlfriend and have never had one either. I dropped out of college 2 years ago and have lost any and all ideas of what I should be doing with my life. I'm very quiet, shy and reserved so its extremely hard for me to be social, I also have no friends at all other than one childhood friend who lives far away. For the past 6-7 years of my life I have had suicidal thoughts and depression. I self harmed a lot in college and have many grotesque scars all over my body. 

The past two years have been extremely hard on me and I am at my limit. For months now I have only ever left my room to eat, I usually lay in bed or on the floor for hours at a time doing literally nothing. I try to read books, play video games, or watch movies to distract myself from my depression. But its getting so hard to do even that. For multiple days in a row I've stayed in bed curled up in a ball, I've lost all my will to engage with the world or do anything meaningful. The only thing i look forward to is my friend asking me to play video games with him, other than that i don't look forward to anything in life. Sometimes when i wake up i start crying hard because i just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to live this life anymore, i want it to end. I've spent so many years of my life in despair and misery i don't know how to be happy anymore, it feels like everything is pushing me towards suicide. 

I've tried talking to friends but they are very dismissive about emotional subjects, even when i tell them i am seriously considering suicide, they don't or cant provide me with any help. i feel like a failure since all of my old friends are successful in the sense that they have social lives, jobs, girlfriends, happiness. I just feel like ive failed as a man and human being, im a social reject and will never be loved. 

I know that young men like me are the highest risk for suicide and its easy for me to see why. I don't know how to get out of this rut ive been stuck in since my teenage years. I only stopped self-harming because my family started noticing my scars, i still feel like hurting myself everyday. I think the biggest source of my depression has been not having a girlfriend. Although i'm good looking and active, i get extremely nervous around girls i like which lead me to avoiding girls and being shy around them all my life. Now I'm 23 and I haven't interacted with a female outside my family in months. Even the thought of talking to a cute girl makes me nauseous. It really destroys any shred of self worth I have for myself. I dont have a job, any friends, or any hobbies and my body is covered in scars, I cant imagine any woman ever wanting someone like me. 

This is my first post on reddit and my first time talking about this openly to anyone besides my closest friend. The reason I'm making this post is because I'm truly at rock bottom, I really cant keep doing this. I spend most of my days curled up on the floor or in bed, I barely eat, my will to keep going is at its limit. This is my cry for help.