So my psychologist has said that he believes I have BPD although he wants me to be officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist. 
I have most of the main symptoms - unstable relationships where I often behave irrationally, terror of abandonment, black and white thinking/splitting, angry outbursts, impulsive destructive behaviour, no real sense of self, dissociation. 

I don’t have a partner at the moment because I couldn’t cope with dating - I would latch on to everyone, imagining my life with them even though I didn’t even fancy them, and feel utterly wretched if I was rejected. And when I am in relationships I become very cold, manipulative and emotionless but then freaking out and having awful hysterical crying fits if I think they’re going to abandon me, and I always end the relationship first to avoid being hurt. I also dissociate whenever I have sex and have panic attacks. So I’m better off being single for now! 


The one thing I don’t have is suicidal thoughts. I don’t self harm by cutting or anything either; I’m more likely to binge eat, or binge drink.  - 
I used to be anorexic/bulimic in my early 20’s (I’m 31 now) though now I compulsively over eat. 


Is anyone else like this, with no suicidal thoughts? I do have a lot of vivid imagination around stabbing and slashing myself though. 

Also another thing I do is internalise everything. So sometimes I’ll have a meltdown about something but it’s all in my head. So I look calm (if probably crazy and spaced out) on the surface, but inside I’m raging, vividly imagining stabbing myself, and feeling utter anger, and terror.  Like I’m screaming inside. 

So I’m still struggling to come to terms with this (non concrete) diagnosis, and what it means for me. I’m now waiting for long term psychodynamic psychotherapy (I live in the UK if that makes a difference so it’s on the NHS) and feeling massively overwhelmed by it all. 

So hi everyone :)