This is my first time ever posting anything- much less venting about my depression and anxiety. So if you are even reading this, it means I managed to actually post it instead of just deleting halfway through. My thoughts aren’t especially organized so I’ll do the best I can to express myself. 

I’ve always had issues with my anxiety and depression but because I could step away from situations that cause friction I could self manage. This year has been especially hard. 

I went from working 40 hours a week outside the home to trying to put in 20 hours a week for my current job (I’m a medical coder/office billing manager) all while helping my kindergartener remote learn and keeping my 2 year old entertained. They are good kids but like most adults, they are tired of being home and only seeing certain people. 

I’ve been stuck in a shitty situation  with my job for some time now - The owner/boss calls/texts me at all hours of the day and expects me to answer regardless of the time. He’s the type of person who doesn’t believe in masks and only recently enforced staff (yes you read that correctly) to wear them because a patient called our local health department and reported him. And just to clarify this is a medical practice that sees anywhere from 20-30 patients a day - also with no mask requirements until recently. There is added pressure because the practice isn’t doing well - he made some bad decisions prior to my employment and I have been trying to clean up the subsequent messes for the past 4 years. So there is added pressure to get things done - while receiving random protocol changes whenever he fancies. I haven’t had raise in 3 years and yet I’ve taken on more work - short of seeing a patient or prescribing meds I can do anything in the office. My opinions and knowledge are not respected until after the fact so I find myself making decisions above my pay grade when the boss decides he’s done being the boss for the day. 

I tried to quit after being laid off from the end of March until Aug. He had expected me to continue working off the books at as close to full time as possible while collecting unemployment. I refused and he tried to post my position- but caved when he realized nobody was going to do my job for the rate I’m paid with no health insurance or other perks. So with reluctance I am still working for this POS - though on my terms. I clock my hours accordingly and am working remotely. 

In addition to my current job, I started up a medical billing and credentialing business with a friend while I was laid off. The idea was that I could get out of the current situation I’m in. So far it’s been tough getting traction - my business partner has a full time job still and is currently trying to replan her wedding that was supposed to take place early next year - thanks CoVid. We have had a few inquiries but nothing super solid. I know in this industry that this time of year isn’t the best to gain new business but I’m so tired of the current job that I’m desperate to get out. 

I know there’s always the idea of just quitting and hoping to get more time invested into my new business venture - I’m just having a hard time letting go because it’s guaranteed income during times that are anything but certain. And with my oldest kid remote learning I won’t necessarily have an option to do the same job I do now, much less remotely for someone else. The medical billing jobs around here are scarce. 

My husband works outside the home from 9-5 and does what he can to help but of course the bulk of the work falls on me. I think part of that is my inability to ask for help - I’ve had to do things for myself by myself for a long time. What he does help with is great, but I still feel overwhelmed. And frankly I feel guilty asking for more help - almost like it’s my responsibility so I need to just get it done.  My husband says I need to find ways to relax but these days it’s getting harder to do. I have essential oils to help me sleep and stay calm. I’ve tried different types of marijuana but I end up over thinking things and having an anxiety attack. 

So really I just find myself stuck. It’s 8 days until Christmas. I can’t just go out and have a day to myself and therapy of any kind is out of the question since I have no insurance. As it is, I have to have a tooth removed Monday because I can’t afford the root canal and it’s causing me additional pain and stress. 

I’m really just at a loss of what to do now or where to go from here. All I can ask to anyone who manages to read this entire post to please be kind. I still don’t know even as I type this whether or not I will post it. I just needed someone to hear me.

So to anyone who made it this far, thanks. I’ve been a part of this sub for a while now and on the whole everyone here is very supportive. Probably why I even considered putting myself out here at all to be honest. So yeah I guess that’s it. Thanks for taking the time to see this post through.