My dad just passed away and I'm very anxious about going funeral tmrw. It was very hard to get there cause its pandemic and Im working in another country but I did it somehow I'm glad I made it, and that I can be with my mom and family and support them. 
 I'm really anxious going at the funeral, I'm afraid how I'm going to react when I'll see him in the coffin. I'm very reserved, kinda cold blooded person if we're talking about emotions.I never show it off to the people. I can't cry in front of people i never been able to do that, crying is my privacy i don't like do that in front of others. Also I've been depressed already many years been on medication so I'm kinda numb now, and it's difficult for me to say but I'm not feeling much worse than before, Im so used to pain that I had enough of it sometimes. , I'm anxious and afraid ppl form my fam gonna say shit to me why I don't cry and everyone does. That would make me go into panic attack or anger which I don't want to happen. I'm also afraid cause some of my friends are coming and I don't even know how to behave properly. I've never been in that kind of situation. I'm feeli kinda sad, weird, anxious and mix of bizzare emotions
I would never expected that my dad would die so fast, never expected he would have cancer.