i'm trying to think of the best way to type this all out without making it some stupidly ridiculous, long-winded post that i know no one will really want to read... so here's my attempt.

i met this guy at work somewhere around mid-january probably, originally with no intention of anything happening other than friendship. at the time, he had a girlfriend, and i hadn't even thought of us together as i'd been crushing on someone else at the time. fastforward to mid-february(?) when we started to become closer. he invited me over to smoke at his place one night and after he told me about being in an open relationship things progressed between us. he was the first person i've ever really done *anything* with, but he made everything so easy. he was so comforting and kind, and so gentle and sweet to me. he always called me beautiful, and when we slept together (he was my first) he always made sure i was comfortable and okay and felt safe. it was nice to feel wanted and safe. in the very beginning i worried a lot that he was lying to me about his relationship, but eventually i actually spoke with his girlfriend at the time and she confirmed things and i felt at least a little better about everything. things in their relationship hadn't been working for a while according to... let's call him James. James said they'd been together for years and things hadnt been right for a while. at the same time as things in his relationship with his girlfriend began to crumble, he started to become much closer with me.  my memory on a lot of the details is hazy because i've been in a horrible place mentally the past half-year now, so my time-line and memories are horribly skewed.

anyway.. . they ended up breaking things off and she blamed me for everything and honestly i couldn't tell what the truth was... i still kinda cant. maybe i did ruin things? but he has told me multiple times that is not the case. sometime in early to mid april James asked me to be with him, but literal minutes after said he was unsure how ready he was for a relationship. he's very impulsive with things and also not in the best place mentally, so i tried my best to be understanding. i told him that was okay, we didn't need to rush into anything. we still spent much of our time together ( like literally i stayed at his place e v e r y n i g h t ), confided in one another, and he even told me he loved me pretty quickly. now, i'm the type of person that is veryyyyy hesitant to do any of this shit because well, i'm scared people are going to fuck me over with it, so initially getting into all of this way very difficult for me, but ultimately i did fall in love with James and wanted to be with him very much. a few weeks after he'd asked me out and took it back, he asked me to be his girlfriend *again*. i asked him if he was sure and he seemed pretty solid on it, so we took the plunge and decided to DTR. i'd like to state that before all of this, i had no inkling of even WANTING to be in a relationship as i was content with our casual seeing one another and am afraid of commitment and trusting people.

i'd venture to guess is was a couple of weeks to a month into it that he took it back the second time, and it fucking broke my heart. there were several nights where things between us would just shift (before we ended it the second time), and he'd tell me he couldnt be around me at the time, and i'd go home literally sobbing. we stopped "dating" once more, initially saying it was a "break" before he randomly decided for the both of us that it was actually a break-up. how adamant he was on it being a break-up and us not being together honestly really got under my skin and still does. now we're in this weird limbo place-- we still see each other, though sometimes it won't be but 1-2 times a week, and other's it's nearly every day. he still tells me he loves me nearly everyday, sometimes so many times in a day that i'm afraid there's no meaning behind the words at all. i love him a lot, and i want so badly to be with him, but i have a hard time being in this limbo place now that things have gone back and forth so many times. i've told him several times i don't appreciate our time spent together being all over the place, and i fear he thinks that no label = no commitment, but that's something i've made clear to him is not the case as best i can. 

i keep telling him i need to see him more, and that i'm not okay with where we are, and he keeps telling me he wants to be with me but his mental health isnt good enough for us to be together yet. as someone with a debilitating mental illness, i want to be understanding to his mental health, but i fear that he uses it to his advantage and as a way of manipulating/gas-lighting me. i know he just left this long-term relationship and that he's got a lot going on rn, so i dont want to be pushy about things. everyone around me tells me i need to move on, but i have a hard time because i love him and i hate to see something end before i feel like it's even begun. we've talked a lot about seeing other people, but when it becomes a reality (other people getting my attention/ number) he is very not okay with it and jealous/ territorial almost. i want to be understanding, but i fear i'm allowing myself to be manipulated and wasting time on something that's never going to work. i feel like i'm sacrificing my own mental health for the sake of his, and he just doesnt care. i've been fucked over with my trust so many times, but i have this great tendency of getting myself into shit like this and it's so fucking annoying. 

im so scared of losing him, but im afraid im holding onto something that can never and will never be fixed just because i am scared of being alone. i love him, but im afraid he doesn't really love me. 

idk if im looking for answers, advice, people who can relate, or what... but it's been half of a year and i just needed to get it off my chest. and i'm sitting at home on our mutual day off where we were supposed to hang out, but he went to the aquarium with his friends and i havent heard much of anything from him all day even though he said we'd hang. i'm fucking so sad.