disclaimer: this might get long as I start to vent my frustration,anger,sadness,pain etc

a little background: I have been alone and loner since I was a kid watching kids play but never being included, I used to be surrounded by people so I never felt the loneliness creeping up on me I also used to play and do things on my own most of the times and that's how I got hooked on to video games, it consumed most of my childhood and life I am 19 btw

since 2 years ago or about to be 3 years when highschool was about the end and we had a month break for our nationwide exams to get to 11th grade I started to feel the loneliness creep up on me I used to have acquaintances in school but since I used to see them the loneliness wasn't severe but I still started to feel it since the starting of 10th grade, I used to have a huge crush on this girl and she was kinda my friend but only used to speak to me ocassionaly or like once per week, then we became close friends after her breakup and then after a year she met my other friend and they became close and they both abandoned me like he used to tell me on my face he didnt trust me at all and she used to cold shoulder me and started ignore me and then a year passed and other female friends that I had also abandoned me one leaving me just after my crush left me, I still had acquaintances from my tuition classes and now since all of it is over all of them have completely cut contact from me but are in contact with everyone else ig, during our 12th grade farewell no one even asked to take pictures with me while other people who didnt talk much throughout the 12th grade were seen taking pictures together

recently even my sister has started to hate and does not want to listen to me and rather gets angry when I try to make her understand about the effects of social media how subliminal sounds wont increase her brain capacity and she should rather study, I havent talked to her in a week after I got too frustrated and depressed 

coming to present: so here I am after thinking of ending it all for the 10th time and seeing no end in sight for my pain and lack of closure from others for leaving me, I have turned into the most bitter version of myself, I hate to admit it but I have started to hate women since 60% of my friends were women, I hate people and think that they suck, are selfish and assholes and whatever ( and ironically I am here asking people for help... when I cant even trust a single person anymore) the hatred my sister has also adds to the pain and I hate her too now, I used to help her so much talk to her when my mother used to scold her or protect her, but this is what I get for being me, I used to do so much for all of my friends but they all abandoned me without any closure... I am trying to get into a good college by studying for the entrance exams all alone at home, but I can't most of the time and waste the entire day which makes me more depressed about my doomed future

I thought of ending it all the pain won't go away neither I can think of something which will help me forget the pain for a while, women,friends,family everyone took me for granted, so why not just end it all since no one is there to care whether I am alive or dead... I used to have a purpose for my life that I am gonna do this and help the world to be in a better place, but it's a known issue so if not me someone else will come and fix it anyways so I don't see any point in living at all. but at the end it's my parents who went through the pain of raising a premature baby who had slim chances of surviving, but their patience and determination gave a second life and I am thankful for it and that's why I always second guess that choice of ending it all, that will be selfish, so here I am floating in the space of nothingness.