It's been almost a year since I finally pulled myself away from someone with what I (and friends) can only assume as BPD, and I'm having severe withdrawal symptoms.



Some backstory:



It all started almost 2 years ago when I met the most beautiful, funny and overall amazing person.


 I could write pages and pages about what kind of person she was, and how beautiful she is. 
She was everything I could ever ask for, and she kept being that even when I dug deep inside what she actually was and what was going on inside of her world.


Abuse. A lot of parental abuse, not only physical but also mental. I can't even begin to describe it. The things her mother had done, along with her father, It's not befitting of a parent.


No way anyone can come out of something like that unscathed, and yet, against my better judgement I chose to believe that I can be there for her and do everything I can in my power to help, and be that one good thing in her life. I did that all while falling in love. 

Whatever I was doing was definitely working, since she definitely was changing and becoming a better version of herself.

 And so, at times it was amazing, I couldn't help but fall in love. We both clicked so well with each other it felt like we were soulmates. We both talked about how crazy it was and how it must indeed be so. 


And yet, when she wasn't her usual self, she was abusive, manipulative and filled with sadness and hate. She was detached, she would disappear for days and then come back. It's when that happened that it would feel like nothing I ever did would ease her burden.


I would talk to her about it when she was back, but she wouldn't want to talk. Until one day I got her to describe it all for me, and she did. This is what she said:


"It feels like I'm alone, In a void, in a dark room, with hundreds of glowing eyes around me trying to get to me, I'm scared, I don't know what to do, I'm shaking so I just sit. I sit and I try not to look. Meanwhile the eyes keep getting closer and closer until they're too close and I can wake up again."


I didn't know what to make of it, except try to understand her. When I described it to friends they would assume she's psychotic, but I refused to believe something like that.


 Regardless, getting to her when she was in that state was impossible, and yet I still tried. I tried really hard for a really long time, all while loving her. 
At times it felt mutual, at times it didn't. It was hard on my psyche, but I felt like it was worth it. 


As time passed we would fight more and more often and that would lead to us cutting contact for a month and then me adding her back or her messaging me.
When that happened, I would come back and I would have changed my mentality a bit, but I would still love her, even though we pretended we're friends.


This cycle kept going on for a long time, she even had a boyfriend along the way, and I pretended I was fine.

 
Until one day she got one again. He was someone she knew since kindergarten, but then lost contact and never talked again. Until he just appeared one day. He started saying the things I always said, doing the things I always did, being a version of me. And she fell for that. Or so it felt, since she did show me chats and talked to me about him and so on.
So what does she do when I confront her? 
Downplays me, and just says "It's different irl".
I agree with that, but why wasn't it different for me even when I got a someone? 


When I got a someone, she was still in my head. And when I shared with her that I had someone, she would laugh. Really hard. When I shared something about that someone again, she would laugh. Again. Really hard. 
That's when I cracked.
I said some things, obviously and just deleted her everywhere, even from my mind. 


But not for long. This happened in January, and around May I started getting something that I can only describe as severe withdrawal symptoms because of some stuff happening irl that remind me of her. 
I started getting the physical and mental need to talk to her again and hear how she is, since I still care apparently. 
I've contemplated adding her and seeing what would happen, but I still have some love for myself to not do that. 


Regardless, I even dream about her.
I compare almost every girl I meet to her. 
I miss her.
I feel like this is some type of Stockholm syndrome, since she did "abuse" me, but I really don't know. 
I feel like I need therapy to move on or maybe I should just add her and see what happens.


Regardless, it's getting really hard to keep myself In check, so I'm writing all of this here, since I have no idea what to do or how to manage.


If anyone has any advice or similar experiences, I would love to hear about it. 


I'm sorry about the long post, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post it even, but THANK YOU for reading this rant/vent.