Let me preface by saying I have anxiety (not medicated) and autism. I was in therapy from age 2 to age 15. It’s been four years since then. I’m aware that there’s been some changes in my mental health mostly due to the panorama we are currently in. (Get your shots, everyone!) I used a lot of coping mechanisms from online to deal with my stress and it was working for a while.

Starting 3 months ago I started hearing music a lot. I heard all kinds of music, but mostly classical (which I don’t listen to hardly ever. My head just made it up)

At first I thought it was the neighbors (apartment, old building, thin walls, etc) but my boyfriend said he couldn’t hear anything. I chalked it up to stress and tiredness. 

Then I started waking up to people screaming in my head. At first it was women screaming at men about being cheated on and how could they hurt her like that… etc. (Feel like I should note I didn’t grow up in the best environment and I heard a lot of these kind of fights growing up. Probably has something to do with it)

I started hearing people chanting in my head to k*ll myself, go hurt myself, to do drugs and other freaky shit. It freaked my TF out. I have two main voices, a female voice and a deep male one, that scream at me and call me slurs. Usually when I’m sleeping or trying to.

I also have visual hallucinations. I see shadowy figures moving on my walls and in my windows. I see vivid hallucinations of traumatic stuff that happened to me years and years ago. My dreams, when I have them, are reliving trauma that I blocked out. I saw writing and drawings on the wall a few times. I can only remember one that was a pink triangle crossed out (pink triangle is an LGBT symbol) and “the f****t’s are going to die soon…”

I keep getting paranoid about everything. I constantly feel like I’m being watched and that people are going to take me from my house and make me live with people from my childhood that traumatized me. I’ve done like 10 scans for cameras this weekend.

I’m scared that 1) this is a symptom of something big and 2) of going into psychosis. Some of my thoughts have been about hurting or k*lling other people and I’m scared if I go into psychosis that I’ll act on these thoughts.

I can’t afford an inpatient mental health stay or to go to the ER. I don’t trust therapists at all. I honestly just want any advice on how people have dealt with hallucinations and/or paranoia. I can’t take this anymore.