I’m going to try and keep this as short/simple as possible. There’s a long turbulent history in my relationship where we’ve broken up/gotten back together more than once. Our relationship has always been non-monogamous which is an additional layer of hell for my BPD but I actually think this could be managed in the right circumstances. That being said my relationship is all the wrong circumstances, my bf does not communicate clearly how he feels, flat out refuses to give me reassurances when I’m feeling insecure, etc. The biggest problem with that was that we weren’t having very much sex and he had multiple other partners so I felt extremely rejected/insecure about this. He told me once that he didn’t have a lot of spontaneous sexual desire for me but he didn’t know why not, he told me I’m attractive, he loves me, he really enjoys it when we do have sex, but he doesn’t have spontaneous desire for me so we don’t have that much sex. I wanted to try couples counseling/sex therapy for this and he had reluctantly agreed but then the pandemic hit and he basically gave up on us. He said “what’s the point a couples counselor will just tell us there’s no hope and we should break up”. 

That was all before we found out I had BPD. Since the diagnosis I’ve really understood myself better, and I think he has too (he’s done a crazy amount of reading about it which was super sweet). But we broke up in June 2020 “for good”, but by August we were back to behaving as though we were in a relationship again, but without discussing it. Our sex life is hardly existent but in all other ways we are functionally in a relationship.

By December I couldn’t take the uncertainty anymore and made it very clear to him how I felt, and that I needed to know how he felt. I told him I love him and I’m committed to him but I need to know that he reciprocates those sentiments otherwise this is unfair to me and I can’t be in this relationship. He said he needed time to think but never answered me and in the meantime we continued on in our dynamic. Notably he started initiating sex more after this conversation, but I don’t know what to make of that and honestly it made me feel like he was trying to give me something I wanted so I wouldn’t bring up the conversation again. It did not make me feel desired or wanted by him, it made me feel pathetic and gross and shameful. At this point our sex life has again dwindled down to nothing, and while I really want to have intimacy with him, at this point I have been tortured so long with his sexual rejection of me that I’m terrified to be sexually vulnerable with him and my libido has been crushed out of existence. I don’t even masturbate bc anything to do with sex just makes me feel bad about myself and intensely suicidal.

Trigger warning sexual abuse. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse which has impacted our sex life. He’s a really kind person who knew all that before we had sex, so I hoped/expected he’d be willing to work with me on that but he basically refused to have sex with me if I was on drugs/alcohol (something I’d previously never done, and frankly I need something to help with my trauma inhibition) and without those mental lubricants I was very sexually passive which is something he listed as a reason why he was more interested in having sex with his other partners over me. So that’s the background on the sexual aspect. This piece alone feels like, life-ruining for me, no one has ever sexually rejected me like this and as this issue has compounded over time to the point where I’m terrified to enter into a sexual relationship with anyone and think I should probably just kill myself bc I am damaged sexually and no one will ever want me.

I know he sounds maybe not great from what I’ve described so far but please believe me when I say he is a genuinely good and caring partner in so many ways. He is communicating honestly with me about the issues in our sec life but he’s never been malicious. I also believe he has an avoidant attachment style (he believes he’s secure buteverYone who knows him well agrees he’s avoidant). He has clear issues with emotional intimacy and authentic communication.  He is extremely indecisive about big decisions bc he has a neurotic obsession about needing to always make the most optimally correct choice. He is imperfect and difficult in a few ways but I still love him and care deeply for him and am willing to put in work on this relationship.

Yesterday I again reiterated my need for clarity from him on how he felt about me, does he want to be with me. I explained again that the uncertainty is emotional hell for me and I cannot go on like this. Again he said he is thinking and hasn’t given an answer yet.

It’s been 36 hours and my anxiety is killing me. I regret that I said anything yday bc if I hadn’t we could be cuddling right now. But also I know I need to stick to my guns bc I deserve an answer. I know he’s not being intentionally malicious but I also feel like this making me wait Is extremely cruel given that he understands How hellish this is for my BPD brain.  Can I even trust him if he says he loves me? Why would someone who cares for me knowingly put me through the kind of emotional hell that is specifically triggering for BPD?

I feel like I’m dying and nothing can fix it at this point. I’m so crushed and demoralized from enduring this dynamic for a year. I can’t live with or without him. I just wanted to vent to people who might understand me.