So I just want to share my experience and kind of vent at the same time. I’m 25 now and was diagnosed when I was 19 with bpd. I never knew what disassociation was but when someone suggested that’s what happens to me when I get manic, the symptoms all line up clear as day. Whenever I’m involved with someone I have a terrible sense of paranoia that they’re sharing the emotional energy that I feel entitled to with someone else. Lately I’ve grown dependent on adderall. From taking 1 30mg a day and have progressed to 4 30mg some days to try and calm down my mania. I’ve tried stopping but my body couldn’t take it and I had to take some more to make the pain and dullness stop. Lately I’ve been getting closer and closer to taking that one way trip out but every time I lose myself I think about my family walking in and finding me and I take another 30mg to make the ringing stop and the weight of the world off my whole body. I abuse adderall and it seems to be a temporary solution with worse ramifications. I’m just very tired and scared I’m going to justify taking that one way out by my brain dismissing how my family would react and at this moment it’s such a depressing thought. Side note I also have body image issues and have lost a significant amount of weight which I love but everyone I know says I don’t look okay.