I'm in an odd scenario where I am actually recovering from BPD and also working in the mental health field while going to school for social work. I am getting to view BPD from the perspective of professionals who hold my opinion and expertise in esteem while not knowing I myself have it. It's truly a fly on the wall experience. Additionally, I get to observe some behaviors as the helper for clients I serve who have BPD and I'm having a few jaw-dropping and cringe inducing moments of "AHA!" when watching lower functioning borderlines act out or have crises, thinking, "OH Jesus, THAT'S what it looked like! No wonder I he/she reacted I the ways they did!"

I was the classic borderline type in my hey-day: dramatic, acting out and extremely moody. Some paranoia, black and white thinking, blah blah blah, and of course, very, very very dysfunctional and messy relationships. The definition of drama queen.

 I didn't really suffer much with self harm or suicidality, I was just a hot mess in general.Through years of therapy, schooling in psych/social work/sociology, a bazillon self help books and several experiences in my adulthood which kicked my ass and forced me to grow up (namely, getting dumped repeatedly by friends for bad behavior), I feel I am, for the most part, in recovery. 

Things that helped me become somewhat normal:

1. Learning healthy boundaries and how to respect the boundaries set by others
2. Emotional regulation/self management/ better coping skills
3. Learning to be less self-absorbed (this is a big one for a lot of us, guys, holy shit, was it eye opening)
4. Leaning away from the "helplessness" mentality and realzing I am capable of solving my own life problems/daily crises/etc
5. Treating my friends like friends, and not my own personal, on-call crisis managers or 24/hr therapists
6. Have become insanely self aware of cognitive distortions and can anticipate triggers
7. Have learned to not take so much without giving enough back

Like I said above, some of this I learned in therapy, but MOST of it I learned from negative life experiences. It sucks getting dumped by people you care about because you've been an unstable, self absorbed emotional vampire. It made me want to change for the better. BPD doesn't rule my life, but it's a part of it. I still feel intensely on things, I still have abandonment fears, etc, but I'm self aware enough not to let it interfere in my life...FOR the most part.

The strangest experience I am having now is observing how BPD is viewed by professionals and actually treating/providing counsel other borderlines (without them knowing I'm one of them). My supervisors and professors will talk candidly with me about their opinions regarding XYZ person who has it, and how it manifests and causes problems, assuming I don't have it (b/c HELLO, why would they?) I, of course, play along and pretend I don't know what they are talking about. My supervisors have NO CLUE I have BPD, so it is the strangest thing listening to their actual opinions regarding us and how we behave. It re-inforced my desire to want to get better because I didn't want to come across the way they view us. They aren't stigmatizing, honestly, but they seem very stressed out most of the time with some of the behaviors, and it's an interesting perspective to finally see from another POV, "Wow, behaving/thinking/viewing life this way is VERY unhealthy and abnormal and causes so much distress for other people." Witnessing some of the behaviors of my clients with BPD is jaw dropping as I can see what my friends, family and coworkers had to deal with when I wasn't taking care of myself and doing the work to get better. I also recognize I don't act in some of those ways anymore, so it's astounding at how different I feel and have grown. 

But...I also kind of feel like a fraud. I'm terrified of the day one of my supervisors or clients runs into an ex boyfriend and ex-friend who I had a falling out with due to my BPD (or just acted crazy) and discovers I'm really not who I say I am. I think a lot of people who knew me back when I was acting terribly would have a good laugh if they knew I was working in mental health since I was so unstable and acted so nuts for so long. What business do I have?!

Mostly, I am proud of myself that I have gotten to a point where I'm pretty high functioning---I have my shit *mostly* in check and appear like a normal, competent and capable adult with a home, career and good friends to most people. 

Anyone else have this kind of experience? Working in mental health  with professionals and other BPDs who have no idea you have it yourself? I feel like I'm leading a double life. IF you're in recovery, what helped you?