It would be a lot to go into the details of everything. But I’ll try to make it short. 

I used to be a part of a certain website that focused heavily on suicide. On this site I made friends who I still talk today. And though I have since terminated my account I still lurk the site daily. While lurking I see what my ex posts on the daily. He makes posts about his suicidality and his recent post was giving thanks and praise to certain members. Members who I don’t talk to anymore 

My ex and I met over the summer while on the site. We clicked and began dating (online). However I became more aware of their toxic and abusive behaviors. He would gaslight let when I’d hold him accountable and would shut down on me when I suggested he needs therapy for his anger (he’d blow up and curse me out). In the end I chose myself and blocked him out my life. 

Seeing him interact so kindly with my other ex friends has me depressed. I loved him, and I still have feelings. Yet I have enough self respect to never go back and continue moving forward. It just makes me think that maybe, they never really cared about me at all.