Now that i am trying to 'keep my self in check', not seeking others to overload or overshare my problems, being ashamed of my condition and allowing more  things to implode (and hurt myself) rather than explode (and hurt others), withdrawing more from society and friends, i find myself more bearable in public, but inside it's just corroding away.

I have friends and family who love me, so most times keeping this all to myself feels like Im doing them a favour and protecting themselves from me.

My boyfriend used to love me, now I think he is just tolerating me, still hoping i suddenly change overnight, but Im not sure I love him anymore either. i guess deep down I still do, but Im starting to distance myself away from him, so if I leave him i can already feel numb by then, instead of being overly vulnerable with heaps of overflowing crazy emotions.