I decided to share a story about my life with y'all. It is quite long so I am breaking it down into a few parts. If you guys like it, can relate, etc., let me know and I'll post more! 

About 8 years ago, I was a freshman in college. The first semester was coming to a close, so naturally I was juggling 30 hours a week at my first job, commuting 45 minutes to school everyday, studying for finals, partying, chasing girls, going to rugby practice and games 3 times a week, etc. etc. I was having the time of my life and completely unaware that my life was about to abruptly turn into a living hell. For years. 

One night after coming home from college I lost it. Genetics, my intense early Christian upbringing, and family/personal life stress all came together and formed a evil cocktail of psycho in me. I remember I stared at myself in my room's mirror for a good 2 minutes and BOOM! In my mind, I was 100% convinced that I was Jesus Christ reincarnated. I immediately dropped to my knees next to my bed, crying profusely, and begging God loudly for him to pick somebody else, that I was too perverse and wildly imperfect to be the figurehead of the end times prophecy! Next thing I know, I can literally feel what I felt was pure testosterone coursing through the veins in my groin down into my dick and balls (when I'm manic, all my body's systems go on overdrive) so I tell myself, "maybe if you jack off, you can fall asleep and this will be over." So I did. And 5 minutes later I did it again. And again 5 minutes after that. And it did nothing to calm me down or remove the certainty from my mind that I was God's only son. 

So what do you do when you find out you're Jesus and you need to carry out the prophecy set forth before you by ancient scribes, phophets and countless martyrs who died by the millions in your name? You grab a sticky note and jot down some facts about your life that make it undeniably true to the reader that you are the real JC so you can begin convincing people that you're no fraud. I mean, nobody is gonna give you the key to the bottomless pit to imprison the Antichrist for 1000 years in if they aren't convinced you're THAT DUDE, right? So you begin with the easiest person you could tell your news to. I run downstairs, wake up my mom at 4am and tell her matter-of-factly, "Mom I'm Jesus Christ." She took a couple seconds to come to and realize what she heard so I used that time to start reading off my proof to her. "1. I was conceived while you were on your scheduled birth control. The modern version of an immaculate conception. 2. Revelation describes Jesus as having hair like wool (I'm white but will grow a thick afro if I'm not careful), feet like brass refined in a furnace, eyes like a flame of fi-"Brandon!!!! What the FUCK did you wake me up at 4am for??? I have to take your brother to school tomorrow and do a bunch of errands, now I won't be able to get anough sleep to accomplish all that! What the fuck are you talking about??" I shut up and handed her my sticky note and she promptly convinced me to come with her to the nearest emergency room. 

The triage nurse starts asking me questions to assess what to do with me. After just a couple minutes of answers I apparently passed the extremely mentally ill test with flying colors because next thing I know I'm laying down on a hospital bed with my mom looking at me like I'm dying and she can't do a thing about it, holding my hand and telling me how much she loves me just frequently enough to make me a little worried. I didn't think I was dehydrated but they hooked me up to an IV anyways.  Weird but ok I guess. Now I'm manically signing papers and cracking stupid jokes with the nurse that brought them, "these papers that I'm signing are gonna be the most valuable pieces of paper on Earth very soon. I'd keep 'em if I were you." What i didnt know was those papers were the forfeiting of my right to buy a gun for the next 5 years, HIPAA forms, and most importantly, the consent form to receive inpatient psychiatric care for at least 72 hours at a God. Damn. Loony. Bin. The IV drugs kick in and I black out.