Do you ever feel like it will never change? Like the emptiness you feel inside will stay with you forever?

Do you have a hard time explaining your pain? Even when you're trying to just describe it to yourself? The pain inside being so overwhelming that it's hard to put into words.

Do you feel like air is so heavy? I walk to my car and my feet feel like weights. 

Do you wonder if you will ever be the person you want to be? Do you wonder if it's impossible to be that person? Because I do. My crippling sadness makes me stuck in the same place I've been for fucking years.

Do you ever make jokes about how sad you are and how much you wish you never existed? I've joked about it so much. Idk when it wasnt actually a joke anymore. Every day I make some sort of "funny" comment about my life and how much I hate it, or about how I'm "stressy spagetti". Yes I'm trying to be funny to make people smile, but my smile is not a true smile.

Someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said I didn't want anything. Because the one thing I want is just to fucking feel ok. That's nothing no one can give me. Because I don't let any one close enough to see me break down. I don't let anyone close enough to feel like they have some sort of obligation to make sure I'm OK. I pretend that I'm strong, that I adult enough to deal with it. 

But I cry. I actually look up at the sky and wonder what I did to never deserve true happiness or greatness. I ask God why the fuck doesn't he help me. Because he doesn't EXIST. 

I feel cheated. Because everything is my fault. 

It's my fault my husband cheated on me. It's my fault I was sexually assaulted.

It's all my fault. And everything that is happening now is on me. And it hurts.