To put it simply, my past few months have been the epitome of a roller coaster ride. I have glorious spans of time where everything is just so swell, only to be followed by extreme lows. This one is the worst of them so far. 

I really do feel as though a voluntary admission would benefit me in so many ways. I’ve done it before, I know how it works. Yet there are so many things holding me back - and I’m not sure where that line is, that line that sacrifices myself for other peoples sanity. 

I fear disappointment from everyone in my life. I fear losing their trust, being treated as fragile, as if they are walking on egg shells while in my presence. I fear being viewed as desperate, as an attention seeker. I fear my drug use and self harm will come to light, as my admission will make everyone assume such (and correctly so.) I fear being degraded, as the initial first few days of admission make me feel that way. I also fear a certain case worker in my area’s chain of hospitals, as she has treated me with nothing but disrespect.

I am not sure the point of this. Perhaps merely to vent, perhaps I wish someone would make the decision for me. I despise feeling weak, I feel as though I should be able to suck it up. That thinking this way makes me pathetic. I know it doesn’t, but the mind can be a tricky demon, sometimes. 