Been thinking about the mindset I had as a child vs. as an adult and I (f25) have realized a lot of my anxiety comes from a place of not wanting control.

And maybe not being in control or not being the one responsible is how I feel "control"??? If that makes sense. I remember as a kid I was so afraid of adulthood. I have a distinct memory of being in my carseat watching my mom drive through an intersection and thinking "I can't imagine ever doing that and I don't want to"...And I am terrified of driving and at 25 still do not have my license. 

When I think about what I'm so afraid to drive it's more of a distrust in myself. I don't trust myself to turn the car correctly from A to B...I don't trust myself not to get overwhelmed and make a dumb error and hit another car. I don't trust myself to be able to handle a conflict/exchange if I got into an accident. I don't trust myself to be able to go to a mechanic, make an insurance claim etc... And technically I can't afford a car rn anyway due to student loans, but either way I feel like thats an excuse and I could still have a license for emergencies. I worry about if my bf got into an accident or cut his hand in our kitchen or hit his head etc...Or if he needed to go to the doctor and I couldn't drive him. It makes me feel like a failure and like a horrible partner, but also a terrible adult.

And being anxious has a way of motivating me too. I get so worked up and afraid of messing up something I HAVE to get it done. And thats what's gotten me this far and kept me from hiding in my parents basement probably. But all my growth has been motivated by fear...and in a lot of ways it feels like that's also stunted me as well. In my career progression as an artist, in my friendships/in making friends, and in how my parents still can talk to me like I'm 17.

I've never wanted to be an adult. I never wanted to drive or have control over planning trips or a career... And while now I like my independence, I feel like I still carry a caution with me when I make decisions that stem from that mindset as a kid. Every adult situation feels surreal and a part of me never imagined life lasting past college. Not in a morbid way, but in that I couldn't see myself past the age of 21. Sometimes, when I'm particularly anxious, I feel like a blob. I remember when I was 8 and chubby and how people looked at me when I ate a cookie. I feel that sense of shame and helplessness and self-hatred that makes me want to shrink. I get nauseous from it and overstimulated and want to be alone, but being alone makes me fixate on every little flaw or potential f\*ck-up.

It's a feeling thats hard to relay to another person and not feel a little gross about it. I tried to once and my friend (who isn't my friend anymore for a number of reasons) made fun of me in front of a group about "feeling like I was 8"... It was embarrassing and not what I meant. I don't feel like a child. But I feel the sense of being incapable and being out of place that I did back then. I don't feel solid and I feel ashamed of myself and it triggers binge eating tendencies that I also had when I was 8 because I felt like I had to sneak food. It has made me very afraid to talk about this feeling to others Im close to. Recently, I ended that friendship with someone I mentioned because they had manipulative tendencies and would use me for constant validation/isolate me, and gaslight the hell out of me after crossing a boundary. It took me years to stand up for myself. And now I have really bad anxiety about making new friendships. I feel like I will get taken advantage of again and that I have my guard up more. I think I let it go so long at first because I felt needed and that's something I've ever safely felt.