Sorry, this is a long post, thanks for reading. 

I had a meeting with my community
Mental health worker today. The discussion was therapy. She raised a food point, would more therapy actually help. And I honestly don’t know. I’ve done over 7 years of therapy including individual, group, mindfulness based cognitive therapy, CBT, DBT, transference based, etc. None of it has taken away how I feel inside. I know bpd doesn’t just go away but I guess I have always held onto this hope that the turmoil inside could come to an end. I haven’t accepted yet that this is probably something I’ll feel inside for the rest of my life. The thing that id really like to solve is this feeling of insecurity about who I am. It causes so much disruption in my life. I describe my personality traits and values etc as light switches. Different traits and values will flick on or off at random for random reasons or for no reasons at all. One day I could like doing something like painting. Next day I’m selling all my painting supplies. I see these other people go about their lives with maybe a little uncertainty, but for the most part sure about who they are, what they want, and where their going in life. For the last 9 years I have made no progress in post secondary because I start something, get into it, have a nervous breakdown because it doesn’t feel right, and quit. I just started in the social service worker program and I’m so happening my pattern doesn’t happen again. So far taking it really part tome is helping. But the uncertainty is right under the surface bubbling. 

To complicate things, I came out as trans and transitioned to male about six years ago. For the last two years I’ve been having difficulty with gender confusion, again. This time I’m considering even detransitioning or the possibility I’m non binary. I’m hoping for the non binary but I know deep down that something is wrong and wants to be female again. This has created so much agony in my life and led to feeling suicidal and attempting suicide once already. I think a lot of my gender issues come back to having bpd, whether I am transgender or not. Transitioning didnt take away the problems inside. 

So back to my mental health workers question. Do I think more therapy would help. Sigh... god I wish it would. What I ultimately wanted was to get into a comprehensive dbt program. But there’s only one in town and I’ve been banned from the premises. That’s a bpd story for another time. I was really hoping that that would help. My only option now is to work through a bpd workbook with my mental health worker. They are also able to do some coaching over the phone or by text during business hours. So some similarities to a comprehensive dbt program. When I look at things in my life right now, I am a skilled person. I have and do use my skills. But unfortunately, I’m also self medicating with an opiate and have been using it for months now. It unfortunately helps me a lot and is a main coping crutch for me. But I was told by my doc I don’t have and addiction at this point which is good but bad because I can’t get any addiction support. I’d really like to be put on suboxone but that’s for another post. So what could therapy really do to help me? I don’t know. The biggest thing therapy can do is help people gain skills. There’s always room for improvement in that area but I have those. There are some psychotherapeutic techniques that may be able to benefit me but because of that previous aforementioned ban, I don’t have access to that. So, I guess my answer is no, I don’t think therapy will make a huge difference in my life. But now what? Many times I find this life intolerable. The best situation I can hope for in my mind is that Canada loosens laws and allows people with mental health conditions access to medical assistance in dying. If that day came, I don’t know if I would go for it at that time, but on days like today when I’m feeling hopeless, yes I definitely would. 

I should also add that along with bpd I have anxiety, off and on depression, ptsd symptoms, mild fibromyalgia, blindness, and thyroid cancer. 

I know mental illness doesn’t just go away. It’s for a lifetime. And recovery is possible. I’d consider myself to be in a place of recovery for the most part. But this is not what I want to deal with for the rest of my life. How do I let go of the hope I have that one day something will work and I miraculously get better?