TW: cutting and self harm


I usually only self harm when I'm in a depressive episode. Sometimes when I'm in a mixed episode. I swore I was okay. I dont feel depressed. I can shower. I can brush my teeth. I can wake up in the morning and don't have to drag myself to work. But.... I am sleeping more. I can't fall asleep but any amount of sleep I get is not enough. I dont have an appetite and have to force myself to eat most of the time. 

Just when I think I know my triggers and warning signs that I'm about to not be okay.... I get confused and then don't know what state I'm in. Like I said, i feel okay but I guess I'm not because I had to use cutting as a release. I am so angry because I was 3 months clean and could finally wear short sleeves at work. (Last time I had a depressive episode was 3 months ago). 

 I am so confused, I don't know what my body and mind are telling me right now. It's like I'm being pulled in both directions.... does anyone else experience this? Or am I crazy?