Hello.

TW: brief mentions of past self harm &amp; past suicidal feelings/ attempts. 

I’ve been talking to many of you about your anxieties and frustrations. I invite people to come vent to me, and I listen/ offer advice. 

I have received quite a few questions, most of which similar to “Why?”

I figured I would create a post to explain myself a little bit. 

For backstory:

I haven’t opened up or vented to anybody in about 3 years. I had a friend who swore to “always be there for me” constantly. Out of the blue, they told me that they despised me and I’m apparently quite a burden. It wasn’t traumatic or anything, but I just don’t find myself wanting/ capable to open up to anybody. 

I also have struggles with extreme panic attacks, in which I become severely suicidal and impulsive. I don’t yet know how to control these, if I’m being honest. 

Now, onto my current experience:

I’ve been having a lot of trouble keeping my head up these past few months. I’m two years clean from self harm, and my last attempt was six months ago. Things have really started getting bad again, and so I’ve been struggling not to do anything permanent. 

A few days ago, I had a big panic attack.

I got a notification from one of my favorite twitch streamers. 

In the middle of a panic attack, I still joined his stream.

I joined, and as soon as he saw me in chat, he got excited.

He knows me by name &amp; nickname. His cousins and brothers do, too. He told me how happy he was, just to know I was there. He was so, so pleased to see me. It’s hard for me to believe somebody could really feel that way.

He asked me about my work, and told me he was... proud of me. 

He waits for my messages to pop up in chat, before moving on. He asks me questions by name. He laughs at my jokes. He asks for my opinion. He treats me with the same kindness and patience that I have. And it makes me feel loved. 

I know that my girlfriend loves me, obviously. But I barely get to text her every two weeks. She’s also very quiet &amp; reserved.

But he made me stop crying. I didn’t have to make myself vulnerable and open up, for him to help me. He has no idea I was even having a bad day. But he showed me warmth that I’m not used to. 

I want to do that for others. I’m diagnosed ND, though possibly autistic. I get nervous and freak tf out around anybody in person. But I can talk to others online with little to no issue. 

I just want you guys to feel heard and so badly— so, so badly, I want you guys to feel loved. 

Have a good night.