TW - Panic attack / anxiety attack stuff  
I turned 30 earlier this year and I think that started triggering a ton of anxiety for me over the past year. I feel like I'm so far behind a lot of people who are married and having kids or buying houses or whatever. I'm still living with my family, and I'm dating someone who I love and who is super supportive. They also have some chronic health problems that makes me fearful of a future together it's gotten to the point where I just have repetitive thought spirals of fear about this, and feeling like I will never have children or I will have an unhappy miserable future. And then those feelings make me feel like I'm not being grateful or appreciative of someone who is otherwise a fantastic person or the life I have which otherwise I should really be happy about and enjoy. And my partner has been especially supportive of me during all this shit I've been dealing with this year.

With my parents, we don't have the closest relationship and things have grown especially strained with COVID, and radicalized politics. But I do love them and want a better relationship with them. The last few months has been a lot of me struggling with the thought spiral / pattern / habit, breaking down crying and therapy, meditating, deep breath and being mindful. The last few weeks I had actually been improving. Then the other night I got into a stupid political argument with my family that transitioned into talking about how we communicate and trying to foster a better relationship. Something triggered my Dad and he screamed some really horrible things at me and a couple minutes later I was on the floor bawling and having trouble breathing and catching my break. my arms were shaking and tingling. I had a hard time pulling it together for like an hour or so. I had never experienced anything that severe before

I'm doing a bit better now, my dad apologized to me a few times and says he just lost his temper and didn't mean it (although I dont think thats an excuse to say the things he did but i cant really convince them of that) but I'm still just having a rough time and just kind of need to vent. I've been going to therapy this year and love my therapist I just have a hard time gauging if im making progress or if im just falling more and more apart physically and mentally. I need to move out and start being more independent it's just become exponentially harder now that I've fallen into this rut. im a little more motivated after that incident cause I really dont want to go through that again I just feel so stuck and lost though otherwise.

Anyways thanks for reading this for anyone who did. I appreciate it.