Today I sit back and realize that there may be something wrong with me. I am not officially diagnosed with anything, Hell, I haven't even had my first therapy session(that is today) but I can see it now. 

I recently went through a divorce. I was with a man who cheated on me. To be honest he probably did what he did because he was fed up with the way I behaved and the way my mood cycled. It doesn't make it right, but I know that I definitely pushed him in that direction. I have two small children. During the divorce I actually moved out of the house I shared with my ex and essentially abandoned my kids. At the time I justified every negative behavior. I couldn't see that my actions were way out of line. My soon to be ex begged me, tried to make me see that I was making mistakes. Friends started chiming in as well, but I just assumed that they couldn't possibly understand what I was going through.

The reason for my wild behavior and actions is because I thought I found the love of my life. He was going through a divorce as well. We had met through a mutual friend and really hit it off. We both made the same mistakes with our divorces and how we handled everything because we felt that we were perfect for each other and that we met for a reason. 

I'm happy to say that I at least live with my ex husband now. I get to see my kids everyday, and I'm grateful that I realized that I was making huge mistakes before it was too late. I recently read text messages between him and his mother, and this is where it all clicked for me. I scrolled all the way back to the beginning of our divorce process and can see how quickly I was deteriorating. I was finally able to see my actions from an outside point of view. I wanted to vomit. My heart raced, and i just broke down crying. Sure my ex cheated, but in reality the reason why my life kept getting worse and worse was because it was all self inflicted. I created my own hell and now I have to suffer and live with the choices I made.

I'm looking forward to my therapy session today. I just want to be able to heal from my past and move forward in a positive fashion. I'm just so upset that I never got help sooner. Now I have to live with the choices I have made.