in high school I started to be very sad, I mutilated myself frequently, I had giant anxiety attacks, and I hated myself because I didn't assume my homosexuality and no one around me either, I  felt lonely and ugly, and planned my suicide quite often.  after assume my homosexuality(coming-out) despite everything, things were getting better and better at least in my head, I had exactly the same problems, but I felt free,then over the years I have the impression of having suffered so much  , that even if I hate myself even more than before, I feel anesthetized, I don't think about anything, it's been 2 years that I am out of school, impossible to think of my future to find something to do, I have  the impression of being less intelligent, I have no plans, I often go out knowing that I am in a hurry to do nothing at home, and to think of nothing, I play video games, I eat, I m  'worry no more about my physique,I’m not trying to find love, I no longer want to live but without committing suicide, I do nothing, I don't think of anything, I don't want anything, I don't buy myself anything, it doesn't bother me  to see no one, I just wait for time to pass and my mother to die to be destroyed enough to kill me.  I got tired of suffering and thinking. And i do nothing. I feel like all of my trauma deep inside me, slowly and gently consuming me. I agree I’m not having fun. Sorry for my bad English (French)