(NOT LOOKING FOR ADVICE, JUST SYMPATHY AND PEOPLE WHO CAN RELATE)

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For those who don't know, erotophobia is the intense fear or dislike of anything related to sex. So for me, ever since I could remember, I got panic attacks from sex scenes in movies, when friends talked about their sex life, when I hear men make sexual jokes, not to mention the unwelcome dirty ads I get online without my consent. If you wonder if I was ever abused, I was not, and that people wonder this first is exactly what makes me feel even more not understood because it makes it seem like there was something wrong with \_me\_ and that \_I\_ should just "get over it" and adapt to the rest. I am also a deep demisexual who is in her late 20s and is still a virgin because I can't have sex without love.

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My erotophobia isn's just an anxiety of it, but also a deep hatred. I hate anything sexual because my parents having sex is the reason I was born into this world I hate, and I feel that sex is the one drive that makes people lose their mind and rationality the most (I'm also socially phobic). Basically, I fear people because they are stupid and could harm me in ways I wouldn't do to them (like selfishly giving in to a short term lust and putting a child into a horrible world it will live in for 80 years).

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Now I recently moved to a new apartment, but the joy didn't last for long as I soon discovered my neighbors having an overactive sex life. They have sex every day and all day. It starts at 2 pm and ends at 2 am, or maybe not even. I can't take having to eat dinner or study while hearing the constant smacking. The involuntary images in my head. It sounds like an exorcism and it gives me such incredible anxiety. I'm crying and shaking and just want to die. Or kill them, which I would if there was no law. I think what I fear the most is that I'm witnessing two people giving in to a demon, like at this very moment they're being possessed by a demon, and that this happened to my "parents" too. I always think: this is what my parents did. This is the only reason I'm here, alive in this world I hate so much and why I suffer. This. This mindlessness. This bestial blind selfishness, this giving in to a selfish lust is why I was born. There is no other reason.

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I don't know where I'm going with this post. I hope somebody can relate and also feels like I do, like an "innocent" ball who was unfortunate enough to be born into a hellish world they don't fit in.