Everything I touch turns to shit, nobody seems to understand how hard I try to be "normal".

Im actually incapable of it, Im in a situation where my spouse is about to quit on me and I'd rather end it first.

I have no capacity to deal with it after 9 years.

We're from different countries and it's been long distance the entire relationship, we married three years ago.

Not only that we have a four year old who's only seen his dad 3 times, last time was over a year ago.

We're very close to finishing the visa process so I can move there with my son, however my husband keeps stalling because he has ADHD and is terrified of paperwork and responsibility. He also think I'd make his life hell.

But I have some blame on it as well. A year and a half ago I cheated. 

I'm not proud of it and I regret it. But I can't help but resent him for it, I feel like I've already BEEN abandoned.

9 long years of long distance, we have a 4 year old who barely knows his father, I raise him at my parent's house.

There's no words to describe how hopeless I feel, my BPD has been much worse since I had my son.

Promises of getting us there for a year and a half led to nothing. Then I was dumb enough to cheat out of not coping with perceived abandonment.

He installed HAMATCHI on my computers and something else on my phone to keep track of me, make sure Im not cheating which I am not. But a few nights ago I opened the twitter of the guy I cheated with and was having an imaginary argument with him on my head, Im so angry at him and myself. But husband noticed through the remote connection he has on my computer and is now requesting I make up to him, through methods I am not comfortable with. Its humiliating.

Am I the abuser here or is he ? WE ARE legally married but we have never lived together, I am for all practical purposes a single mum. He uses my BPD (Im diagnosed) and my infidelity  to say I'm a bad person. Im so ashamed of what I did that i believe it. I feel like I have no way out.

He threatens to take my son away from me if I ask for a divorce (take him to England), and says I have to make up to him somehow for looking at the guy's picture. He wants me to make a sexual video. Am I being abused here... I want to leave him after this because Im so tired, but i would lose my son. I feel like I need to kill myself because its the only way out.

Any help would be appreciated, I don't mind the criticisms either.