I had a nice dream. In this dream my SO and I were preparing for a vacation. It felt really good, I haven't felt that good in months. Maybe a year. This is depressing for me. I love my SO to death and feel ashamed for feeling bad all the time because he does nothing wrong.   He is also my FP. 

I always thought that he was enough. it's painful to admit that maybe he isn't, and it's not fair to expect him to make me happy entirely by himself. But that's how my brain is wired. Now, with no friends IRL, no hobbies (turned my one hobby into business) , my career not moving forward and mental &amp; physical illness on top of it.. my brain is looking for a way to escape. I'm idealizing other people's lives, interests, relationships. I know nobody has it that good but I just wanna be somebody else who does not have BPD. Sometimes I feel I'm pushing my SO away unconsciously. After all this time we spent together (2 years) he saw everything that's broken and weird and weak in me. The feeling of disgust for myself is so strong sometimes that I refuse to believe he loves me. I feel like he's with me out of pity. 

I feel weak. When I was single, I didnt give a fuck about anything and did what I wanted. I did have BPD but I didn't let it affect me. When I felt scared of something I just went for it.  Now I'm so easily affected. Sometimes I think that my boyfriend's affection decreased because of this. I was an independent strong young woman who didn't give a fuck what others said. And he fell in love with that woman. I'm not the same person. Last night I spent 2 hours trying not to cry because a friend jokingly 'rated' me and my bf, she said I was an 8 and my bf was a 9. I don't know how I kept these things from affecting me before this relationship. 

My therapist insists that I need to find a way to unwind ASAP. before this, my way of unwinding was not really healthy. It was all about going out with dysfunctional friends and getting hammered, doing drugs, doing "fun" stuff, having risky sex. Obviously I don't want to do that now. But looking back, it was a perfect mix for me: risky, impulsive and illegal. It fed my BPD ego so well. Now people try to give me options, like "you can try biking, or hiking, or crafting stuff." Okay, but where is that excitement? How is these normal activities going to fill my broken brain with hope and will to live? 

And the end of the long and pointless rant. Thank you for taking your time and reading. I don't have anyone to share this stuff with, so this sub is my lifesaver. If you relate or have advice to give, please let me know. Hope you have a nice day.

