And now I need to get it out, some of it at least.

You see, I had already made peace with the thought of staying by myself. I had just kicked a fairly crippling drug habit. I had no ability to focus whatsoever and I could not find joy in my beloved interests &amp; hobbies. And then I met her.

It just kind of happened. I let it happen, I suppose, even if initially I wasn't too optimistic. But we sort of fell into place. She was so caring &amp; kind, and supportive of my recovery. I'd never experienced anything like it and I didn't know how to handle it. She was angry &amp; sad a lot too, and jealous. This would set me off, of course and so one day I told her about my BPD (a diagnosis which at that point was still very fresh), and suggested she should find out if she might have it as well. And to my knowledge, she never did. She'd just try repress the things that were upsetting her, clam up on me, or pretend everything was alright. We made it work, somehow.

Fast forward 5-6 months and I've put the relationship on hold. I was going through the most stressful time of my life and, even if she probably didn't believe it, always figured she's better off without me anyway. Nonetheless, she'd keep in touch every single day. Even if I didn't respond. Things kept piling up on me and I was keeping my distance. Her relentless, violent love for me had become a source of resentment on my part. Soon we were together again and I'd picked up some bad habits again. I had finally recovered to the point where I was feeling things normally and I couldn't take it. I was miserable all the time and kept struggling against her affection. We were on &amp; off, and the last thing I wanted was to be messing with her head. It was making me feel worse, but she was my best friend &amp; favorite person. We just didn't seem to know how to be just friends.

Eventually I'd had enough. I'd just moved towns to be close to my disabled dad, and figured I'd be fine without her. Because I never did understand what she saw in me. Because I thought she deserved better and that I certainly didn't deserve her. So I lied, made up a whole bunch of stuff about how we're too different and how pointless it would be to keep trying. She was sad of course, but we split for good.

And I was fine. For a while. I'd think about her a lot, but my life was pretty damn hectic, and I kept telling myself that she'll be doing great without me. We'd talk occasionally, but she didn't really seem interested in being my friend. One night I got too comfortable. I got vulnerable. And she told me she'd found someone new. I was devastated, genuinely afraid my heart would stop beating. I was lashing out at her. We stopped talking entirely.

But of course, I had to message her eventually. I wanted a chance to explain my past behaviour and to apologize. I wanted to get to know her and for her to get to know me, if that makes sense. Just as friends. And this was all going really well, until dhe brought up her new partner in a really weird &amp; roundabout way. I could tell she'd been having to speak around certain things, which was already kind of hurtful. But something about the way she wasn't saying it out loud just broke my heart. I was so confused and upset. Spiraling. I'd already been talking to someone new as well, but this situation sent me into a state I hadn't had to experience in years. I went completely off the rails. I tried to take my own life.

She won't talk to me, of course. But I can't get her out of my mind. She still is my favorite person, for better or worse. I keep wanting to contact her. I keep wanting to say how sorry I am. These thoughts are devouring me whole, much as I try to stay distracted. And of course it's happened before but damn, it's never been this bad. It's killing me because I now know she'd been keeping tabs on me when we weren't talking. She just didn't say anything. Why? I wanted her to be happy. I still do, but I also have no idea what it is she wants anymore. I'm so confused and heartbroken, and it's making me unable to enjoy what should be a budding relationship. For the first time in my life, I'm incredibly lonely. My family's been nothing but supportive and I've even learned to cry again, but I actually have no idea how to move on. Sometimes I feel like she's punishing me for being sick and I want so hard to believe that feeling. I want to believe she hates me absolutely. I want to believe so I can be angry at her, so it'll be easier. Just so happens she's the only person I could never stay mad at.

I keep hoping that she'll contact me. Any second now, or someday in the future at least. I've made a lot of progress in such a short time, but this ghost of her just won't leave me alone. All this work I'm doing seems pointless when I can't share it with her. I'd do anything to get her back, or at least acknowledge my existence again. This stonewall behavior is hurting me every single second of the day.

I don't know what to do at all. I'm alive but my best friend is no longer there. I'm only barely eating and I can't get into anything. I don't feel alive at all. 

And you know, I'd rather be going through opioid withdrawal again. At least you know it'll go away eventually, long as you keep away from the stuff.