Content Warnings: self harm, sexual assault, cptsd

**This post is for a close friend. E is 23yrs old and has recently started EMDR therapy for intrusive traumatic memories. She has a clinical diagnosis of borderline personality disorder though her psychologist strongly believes she also has complex post traumatic stress disorder. She is hysterical and can't sleep, and has night terrors. She emailed me hoping I would post it on Reddit for her in order to get advice, knowledge, understanding etc. The following are E's words.**


I'm E, I'm 23 and live in England. I have a boyfriend (22m) of 3.5yrs, and a 2 year old cat. I have lived with my partner's family for 2 years. I was diagnosed with BPD a few months before my 18th birthday. I was diagnosed with Generalized anxiety and depression aged 11.

Shortly before my 12th birthday (March 2010) I was moved to what we in the UK call PRU's. Pupil referal units. I was in the PSG sub group, basically a group of kids of various ages (I was the youngest, and also the longest staying student). I was among fellow self harmers.. Children with autism... Young girls who got pregnant. Children from abused backgrounds, kids in the care system. There were horrific stories of sexual, emotional, physical abuse and neglect. There were 2 non violent children in trouble with the police. We were completely segregated from other groups as there were very violent children. Lots of door locks and being escorted around. One of the worst students I met on my way to school, who was several stone heavier and several inches higher. Flashed me, groped me. Begged then threatened. I cried until eventually he let me go, only to hide in the bushes the next day to flash and threaten me.

I'm just giving backstory, that I wasn't surrounded by neurotypical children. We were all... Not happy. Troubled.

I started in march 2010 at 11. My birthday is in April. I had overdosed in a byn attempt to end my life December 2009. Hence being placed in this school.

These dates I give you aren't a mistake. 3 traumatic memories happened in this 18m span. And 2 were exactly a year apart. These happened in September, but to preserve my privacy I am going to change the day slightly. Because this was in national news.

25th September 2010 (remember I've changed the date) my father, whom lived separately to me. he was stabbed through the heart with a long blade, left dying in his girlfriend's garden. He... Did not die instantly.

25th September 2011 on my way to school I saw a man collapse. I rushed to him. He was lying on his stomach.

Now... I remember what happened in graphic detail due to the EMDR. Here Is what happened.

I was 13yrs old. 150lbs at most and 5'7. I wasn't strong enough to pull this obese man onto his back. I was on his right. On his left was concrete. It was an abandoned road very isolated. This raised concrete was everything. I put my right leg on it and used every bit of strength I had to pull him on his back. It took what I think (I can't tell due to length of time and the shock I experienced at the time, but if felt it took ages.

I know it took time. I remember panting and straining and I know it took over a minute. When I eventually got him on his back, I fell back beside him out of exhaustion. I immediately sat up.

I always knew he was in his 50s. He had blue eyes. I put my arms around his shoulders. I remember him trying to talk to me, that he looked into my eyes and knew I was there.

Now... A few days ago I remembered more about it. I remembered that I fell beside him. I remember his head pumping blood. Falling back. I remember his eyes... They looked different the moment he died.

I was smoking In the garden Saturday and suddenly I remember him crying. The first tear came out of his right eye, leaking down his temple. I kept saying to him "you're okay, you're okay" as he cried and tried to talk to me. And then he died.

I feel ashamed to admit that when I stood up to get my phone off the floor where I'd flung it when I was pulling him... I collapsed. I saw everything go red, and the I'm on the floor unable to see sitting on my ass. After a moment it passes, and I call 999. I can't give directions. I don't know where I am. I am told to find someone. I manage to run to the side of the motorway at the end of the road. I find a jogger who stops and manages to give accurate. He holds my hand and we run back to the body.

After 999 come, he says he'll take me to school. I'm shaking really bad, wondering why I feel so numb. He holds me under his arm and takes me to school. My teacher ,Mrs T, was worried as my mother had been calling. They knew something had happened as I was very punctual. The jogger tells Mrs T and T brings me into class and separates me from the other students. I cry silently. I say I wanna stay in class, but my mother demanded me to come home so they drive me home.

3rd memory.

13th March, 2012. My first boyfriend of over 1 year raped me. Anally. I remember the shock. I remember the pain. I remember the bleeding. I remember sitting, shaking afterwards, whispering to myself "I'm okay" over and over. Unaware he's standing over me. I only snap out of it when he touches my jaw and presses his dick against my mouth.

18 months. 25sep 2010, dad is killed brutally. 25sep 2011 man dies in front of me. 13march2012 I'm raped to the point I'm bleeding.

12yrs old for dad. 13 for the other 2.

I relive it. I'm plagued by it. Please help me.