as of recently I’ve been having a hard time with my mental health, sometimes I feel like I might have a seizure but I never actually do, I have access to sedatives, antipsychotics(olanzapine), anti depressants (lexapro), it feels like I’m fighting for my life at this point, I’m convinced I might have some type of memory loss because of the fact that the last time I took my anti psychotics I woke up feeling confused, drowsy, and excessively hungry but that’s not the only reason I’ve also struggled recalling certain events and have even had trouble forming sentences at some points as in forgetting the words and the meaning so I’d have to google it, my memory isn’t that bad imo when I’m not taking anything, I don’t know if it’s the medication or not. Sometimes I feel like I can’t live without it because I experience psychical pain from muscle stiffness and spasms, for some reason when I’m focused on people pleasing and masking my disease this goes away, it’s almost like I have no free will at all. The last time I did take antipsychotics I kept regressing but people admired my ideas and how smart I was which leads me to believe that I’m a genius that’s constantly had to battle a mental illness which made me lose focus on that genius because I have to be cautious of my mental illness 24/7.
i do experience a bit of paranoia, rarely see things or hear voices but my thoughts feel disorganized and I show almost 0 emotions so I just fake it, when I was a kid I created what I referred to as an “alternate life” in which would supposedly would get me out of my head and it helped a lot but it felt like I had no control what so ever of my life and what I wanted to do, I wasted 4-5 years of my life trapped and never got to experience portions of my life as I should have. I am convinced I have ocd too because I’m always trying to perfect nearly everything I do including my psychical appearance which is why i don’t want to take high doses of antipsychotics especially if it’s olanzapine as it’s known to cause weight gain and make you incredibly sleepy.
I don’t even know how I got through school without most people catching on. 
for those probably a bit confused by this I guess you can call it a vent.