why is it i’m (f19) only attracted/have feelings for people when i can’t have them?


my ex (m20) is my only proper relationship, and has depression and when we were together if he shut down on me i would do the classic going insane (wanting him more, pining for his attention at any cost, etc) but then as soon as he was being really good to me for a period of time i’d have no feelings and be bored with it. we broke up in december 2021 after four years (on and off as we broke up in early 2020 too), but we’re friends again now and both in therapy (well mine is dbt) and generally doing so much better as people than we ever were before. we aren’t together yet he treats me really well and we have kissed and stuff, obviously this is a slippery slope, and i don’t even know what i want from it. 

I still have abandonment issues which have always been severe but now I have commitment issues too and I guess this is me trying to get the relationship benefits without the commitment for the fear of breaking up. but in the past few days he’s been more distant because his depression flared up, and logically i know he just needs a bit more time to himself and it’s no reflection on how he feels about me and he’s told me this so many times and i know it, but something inside me just can’t stop myself from being heartless and blaming him for treating me badly. 

most our issues are just clashing mental illnesses tbh but i guess with more therapy etc we would get better. but i will happily ghost him when he wants to talk to me but then when he doesn’t i’ll get clingy again. i hope i don’t sound like an awful person, i know it’s toxic.  I guess when I feel like something is going wrong and doesn’t feel perfect like i want it to, my brain (i have anxiety and have some my whole life and used to struggle a lot with relationship anxiety but i worked through a lot of this as it used to debilitate me) spirals and tells me it’s ruined and it can never be the way i want and we have to end everything forever. 

this pattern happens with other people too. last year i started a job and met this guy who worked there, a few years older than me (at the time i just turned 18 and he was 21) and i was obsessed. i tried to repress my feelings for him and not even admit them to myself because i felt so guilty. i never acted on anything. 

i only was friends with this guy for three months, text him in the week and saw him on weekends. the worst part is i never told him i had a boyfriend, but to my ex (bf at the time) i mentioned my colleague constantly. almost like i wanted my bf to feel jealous and compete for my attention? idk. but he stopped working there in mid september and i never saw him again and only spoke to him online a couple times. i knew him for three months. and i’m still so hung up on it. he’s in my dreams all the time and i always think about what my life would be like if something had happened between us. at least at the time i could live with the knowledge that he didn’t like me back, but in april i found out off another colleague that he did like me the whole time bc he told her, and i was so upset i ran out of our pub and cried lmao. 


it’s happened with other people too such as this girl im friends with who i kissed twice but if i had the chance to date her i never would. 

why do i have more feelings of want and longing for a man i only had this with, and then with my ex who treats me very well and has a great understanding of my mental health and bpd, and has all the good traits i could need (patient, understanding, empathetic, etc which is the bare minimum but when you put those traits in the context of dealing with bpd episodes it becomes a lot different doesn’t it) yet i’m not sure i even want him and feel numb towards him when he’s treating me well, and I sabotage and then get upset that i want his attention when he keeps more distant or tries to rationally communicate with me about how he’s feeling. 

I feel so toxic now i write this but i just want my brain chemicals to be normal and let me enjoy a good thing. writing this out has helped me process that a lot of my feelings are just caused by bpd and anxiety, yet my own feelings and wants and needs do tie into it too. but i know it’s illogical to throw a way a decent thing expecting perfection and t the grass being greener on the other side when truthfully i don’t know how it would have turned out with the guy from my work, or if i met anyone else. 

i know the guy told me he had a few relationships that all only lasted a few months each and he had another gf five weeks after e he quit his job at our work and he’s got another gf now after that one too, yet i’m still obsessed with him and think about him all the time, but for all i know i could have been simply one of those few month relationships with him if i’d left my bf at the time for him and then i’d regret everything. 


i think I’ve gone slightly off topic my own title now but getting that out felt better. i started writing this when i felt an episode coming along and now i’m calm lol. i’m sorry for writing so much I hope everyone has a lovely day &lt;33