I’m at a complete loss how to build a happy life for myself. I’m completely stuck. I was neglected and physically abused as a child, and wound up in foster care at 14. At 18 I aged out and filled my life with drugs. I was anorexic as fuck, but I was skinny, high, and had lots of friends (what felt like a family I had built myself) after a few months I had a psychotic break though, and long story short, 2 years later, I feel dead. I’m making great progress with my ptsd from the terrifying 1 year long psychotic break I had, but my life is in shambles. I have a boyfriend and I’m living with his parents short term in another state, he’s here to pay off debt, I’m here to keep me out of a homeless shelter or to be stuck back at my abusive parents house. I’m trying to make friends, figure out what I want to do with my life, heal from childhood and recent traumas. But nothing is really helping how I feel. I’m bigger than I want to be, small enough that people are annoyed I say I feel fat, but fat enough to be disgusted with myself. I’m trying to lose weight healthily with diet and exercise, and I’m in therapy, I limit my intake of alcohol, and I’m trying to go about life the right way, but I’m so depressed and anxious, I think about dying all the time. I’m waiting for my boyfriend to leave me when he finds someone better, and I know it’s my insecurity mostly but, I can’t hands le restarting my life one more goddamn time. I mean nothing to everyone, and I need to have a lasting connection, someone to rely on, a life that doesn’t blow up in my face. I can’t kill myself because I’m afraid of how much worse life could get if I try and fail with reprucussions. I can’t starve myself and use drugs because it’s a gateway back to a living nightmare. I’m so completely stuck. Sometimes I have hope and I’m ready to keep trying and hope that someday I’ll have a life worth living. But right now is one of those times I’m so depressed I feel like I can’t function. My life is so fucked