Hello! I'm not sure if I have bpd or not but I definitely meet at least 5 criterias out of the 9.

anyway, I've been going through an extremely stressful time, I've been dissociating and turning into little kids, that has a different name than me, I'm okay with this as it's not harmful but rather peaceful and safe.

however, I often dissociate and turn extremely apathetic and destructive, towards me and my boyfriend, he's always there for me but I feel super guilty because during my "breakdowns" I'm very harmful towards him.

I say stuff like "I don't care about you, you need to leave, i hate you...." and he always tell me he understands and that he gets it and that he won't leave (he has ptsd and osdd-1b, so he definitely understands what breakdowns does)

i love him so much, but my mood swings are so fucking annoying, I can stop caring about him in a second and it all turns into hate for no fucking reason and I hate that so much! I feel like he deserves so much better, but I'm aware that I'm a very supportive boyfriend and I'm here for him and have helped him a lot, and that breakdowns don't define me but I need help to change my behaviour during them.

DAE experience this? if so, what do you really want from the person you're being destructive to, do you actually want them to get hurt?. because I'm not quite sure what I want from him when I'm in this state.

what can I do to get better? to not lash out and be completely destructive towards myself and the people I love and care about?