I'm mourning, hard.

My ESA that I very much rely on just had major spinal surgery and his prognosis for being able to walk and have urinary/fecal continence was estimated at 5%.  

My heart is broken that his quality of life may suffer so much.  I want him to be my happy sunshine boy.  I rely on him so much.  He centers me on depressive episodes, wakes me up every morning, drags me outside.  He forces me to have a routine.  With him, I'm never alone or scared.

And I mourn the idea of being a caretaker.  I've taken such intense care of him this past week and it's left me exhausted, depressed, feeling trapped.  

I adore him so much, I just want him here with me.  I don't know what to do, and I keep second guessing myself.  I feel irritable, unstable.  No appetite.  I just want to sleep and not exist.