I was alone for Thanksgiving. I've been alone for years. I am not OK being alone. I desperately want a partner, but I was abusive and drove the last one away.

I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. All but a handful of people make my skin crawl at least a little bit, and those handful of people would want nothing to do with me - or, in one case, narcissisticly keeps me in a far orbit, just close enough to pay her attention without ever reciprocating . And I don't want anything out of life right now - or, rather, I do, but I know that I'm not allowed to have anything I want anymore because I'm toxic.

Ever read a post or hear someone say that you should be yourself? Those people somehow never seem to take toxic people like me into account. I try to wear a mask of because you don't want the real me. You make it clear whenever you post something about excising the toxic people from your life. I'm just supposed to fuck off wherever. 

I wish they'd never left. I wish they'd communicated what I needed to do differently better, that they'd not been interested in other guys, that they kept their promises of forever. I was more whole before they left. I clung because I was scared of falling, and...well, here I am, falling into the darkness for years now, and I was right.

And yes, I tried therapy, but it didn't work. I'm not fixable. I can't say I want to change, so it'll never work. I don't want to change - I just want a companion back, and to try to not hurt them.