I have had two serious relationships. An ex and now my current boyfriend of two years. And with both I felt always in danger of them desiring other women or cheating on me. My ex would never have done it. Like ever. He had schizophrenia and paranoia himself about me cheating on him. But I never did. And I have carried that on into my new relationship.

I already suffer from almost self loathing in a way… I have very little self esteem. Like to the point where I feel in danger of my BF choosing another women just because she is not me. Like people who are not me are automatically better than me, simply because they are not me. 

Lately it is his phone I am concerned about. I won’t tell you why but he would not physically cheat on me. I have chosen to trust him on that after having had that talk with him several times. But that phone! My heart sinks into my chest from just seeing some girl texting him. 

I have never seen the conversations and to me a solution is NOT checking his phone or asking for evidence. I have had several direct conversations with him about this, and he gets defensive and tired because I have accused him so many times. I know him well enough to know that I also sense some hurt in his voice when denying it. And I just KNOW that this kind of behaviour leaves scars on a relationship!

But do you guys experience this too? And do you believe that this doubt about your partner’s fidelity is intensified or even caused by our BPD? How do you manage these feelings? Because in the end it ruins it for both parties so I just want to hear how some deal with it.

And please note: I won’t answer or engage with anyone questioning my current relationship. I don’t need people in my ear about that if I did I would make a different post.