Ever since I was young I watched horror films, the more disturbing the better. I never knew why I did that and felt like my body was on autopilot and in my head i'm just thinking "ok i guess I'm doing this". 

I stopped doing it after a few years because I started getting bored by them. Today I started watching youtube lists about disturbing films and went down a rabit hole. Then I remembered what I used to do and analyse why I did that. I assume it's something to do with trauma or the unbearable numbness and trying to feel something. I dont know if it's anything to do with my bpd. Is anyone else like this?