I feel so alone. No one ever truly seems to consider what I say, not even my fp sometimes. I have no friends, and it's so very hard for me to keep them without it turning to shit within a month or so. Every time I try to make a new friend now, I say to myself that "this won't last long somehow"... It never does. Not one person will sit down with me and just listen to me and try to understand. My grandma is dying. I have no form of transportation because my fp takes it to work every day. I sleep around 17 hours a day at times if I'm lonely enough. I get so unmotivated that I won't clean my house for days. My dreams are so horrifically vivid and gory that I wake up still smelling, feeling and seeing the images. I can't think of a day that I haven't fantasized about shooting myself. I'm always told I'm too dramatic. I just miss having a true emotional connection with someone... Anyone. My fp has very vague emotions and really only ever feels anger. He doesn't seem to ever want to do anything except watch movies. Every time we have sex, I over think and have to imagine myself in a comprising position and I hate it. We don't have enough sex. I've tried to ask many times for more, but now it's just a broken record. I don't know what's wrong with me. Has it always been me? Should I just end it and make things easier for everyone? No... Then they would have to deal with the funeral costs. I'd be a burden even in death. I can't even give my animals the best me I can be. I'm slowly feeling like my routine is eating me alive and a lot of times I go to sleep hoping I don't wake up. I can't change my antidepressants that I've been on since I was 11 because my seizure meds prevent me from trying most other antidepressants due to interactions. They are at their highest dosage. I recently within the last few months relapsed and cut myself for the first time in years. I was so ashamed, but at the same time relieved and numb. I understand now why I am so very exhausted after just seeing my family for an hour. My life is a constant state of trying to mirror, please, shock and entertain those around me like a dancing clown. I haven't picked up a paint brush or a drawing pencil in months. I have lost myself. I cannot find her.