I have a trauma caused by my family since my childhood ~ young adulthood. I was diagnosed as heavy depression when I was in elementary school and took I believe anti depression back then, and moved away from my family at age 14. I see them around a month in a year and haven’t seen them in person for about 3 years. I had couple of failed attempts, leaving permanent scars and my college therapist suggested me to professional help by staying at the mental hospital, but my family didn’t agreed. 

My mother tried to make-up for her abusive past, and honestly I’m old enough to understand her why she was emotionally abusive to me. She failed her first marriage due to her ex husband’s abusive behavior, and her current husband always been abusive to her and his whole family treats her like a slave or a housemaid. That’s also the reason she send me away. She attempted failed suicide in front of me telling me she won’t wake up when I was young and tried to kill both me and her so minor (me) don’t have to go through the same thing she went through. 
My biological father, not even worth writing about him. 

My mom, doesn’t validates my depression, and i’m not expecting her to understand this bc i grew up in traditional east asian family. 
I haven’t lived in the same country with her since i was 14, but she wish be with me when her current husband’s gone forever, maybe in idk 20~30 years

I still love my mother, but my brain is stopping me from getting connected to her again. Whenever I talk to her, the anger inside me makes me lose my self-control. I can’t keep up the conversation. 

Even when she talks about literally nothing triggering, hearing her talking makes me want to kill myself. I stop taking my lexapro for a month or so bc I was feeling better, but whenever I hear her through the phone all the impulsive thoughts just comes straight into my brain and makes me want to kill mysef. 
I don’t know what to do, because I really love her, and the my childhood trauma isn’t totally on her, it’s just she’s also one human being before she’s a mother.

What should I do to get closer to my mother i don’t know. Talking my feeling to her wouldn’t help because she’s “sick and tired of my fake depression” and the reason why she’s giving me this kind of attitude comes from her self-defensive personality, that she will get destroyed that if she admits my depression is because of her. Because she loves me. She doesn’t want to think that she caused me harm.

this feels too complicated then it should.
Feeling is so weird. I’m just tired of being depressed. I feel better after adopting my cat though. I never had a family, but finally I have my own family. Me and my cat pumpkin. I promised pumpkin i’ll be there forever with her. I love her and i don’t want to leave her behind.