EDIT: This might be my worst rambling post ever, most honest though... hmm frankly it just occurred to me I'm always going to be like this, and that's sad.

**TLDR: I'm in the fun position of being like both, apparently. Expect both's problems apart from empathy, I've got empathy (makes things more fun). Just wanna talk to someone who can see, in part how I feel, I'm sad that I can't change behaviour, Psychologists confused, I'm bit creepy sadistic/general asshole. TIL fun is a cool new euphemism for not fun.**

So I was diagnosed with ASD Higher Functioning sub-type (sub-type being more PDD-NOS case, I looked it up the psychiatrist seems to have arbitrarilly put it on the end to justify diagnosing me as autistic). I'm Male, 18yo so ofc ASD when the psychiatrist gets confused.

So I then went to go see a CBT psychologist, because the psychiatrist was convinced I had some mild depression/anxiety. I only saw the psychiatrist for two sessions... So in my humble almost degree educated psychological opinion, he was a bit rubbish. 

So anyway turns out well much of my symptoms could be explained by untreated trauma, my voice prosody, mannerisms, poor social skills due to lack of or aversive exposure when I was younger, not an innate difficulty to read social cues.

Now that brings me on to the most damning evidence against my ASD diagnosis, I seem to have very good Theory of Mind and empathy (they seemed very impressed, in this department I appear to be on the far right of the bell curve not the left)... I understand social interactions... So perhaps the core element of ASD apart from the sensory element is not present.  

I however do have problems with hypersensitives etc, eye-contact, but trauma could cause that too. Another damning piece of evidence would be I was diagnosed at 16. 

I suffered a lot of physical/emotional trauma for years well since I was introduced to other people, non-stop age peers and/or adults, they should have protected me, bastards, creepy janitor who happened also to be the defacto P.E teacher, if sadistic swinger is the best way to describe them, it was, no that was the whole village. Saw him sitting there watching them beat me up. I also had CFS/M.E until I was around 14, then with an effort of huge willpower or my brain chemistry changing during puberty I just stopped having it, cured of that. 

So naturally my ASD diagnosis seems invalid. Especially when you consider various doctors notes point to PTSD, emotional problems, anxiety etc and Psychosomatic pain disorder from around the age of 5. 

So why haven't I got rediagnosed? My parents laugh at me, and I need it to get Exam concessions for university, which I need. However the dissonance drives me crazy.

I stopped therapy with the psychologist, because it quickly became apparent to them I was far too complex for simple CBT, they looked scared, for me, in fact the psychologist started tapping their foot, hands, fidgeting, pupil dialation, jaw tensing, stumbling over words, an instant of uneven breathing, that thing with the eyebrows/eye muscles. I'm fairly sure it is a  personality disorder, it seems to be not a construct in my personality, but my personality itself, could be CPTSD, but no flashbacks, I do have triggers, just no flashbacks.

Unfortunately for me and others, I drain people... Any attempt at a relationship or a relationship is scary for the person involved. My experiences of being choked/strangled/stabbed/psychology of control blah blah blah has now manifested externally as a fetish basically, not towards me but towards them. Tried getting into BDSM until I realised mine's more of a psychopathology opposed to a kink.  Which needs treatment.

My moods unstable, highly irritable, explosive anger for like 10 seconds, then nothing, then I realise all my emotions are strangely shallow despite being vivid, at least internally, well something I mean externally I'm as flat as a pancake. 

Could be ASD but It's not been a constant thing, started when I was like 15... nearly went crazy tonight because of the slight inflection in my father's voice, then switched back to smiling like Patrick Bateman. Hardly call It mood swings, there is no swing just staccato changes.

I'm inconsiderate of others despite the fact I know the consequences of my actions. I'm manipulative, those I claim to love I become terribly paranoid, the slightest (usually unintentional or all together non-existent) negative remark makes me feel like I am suddenly in an arena, or something where I just have to fight for survival, I've really hurt people. The people I claimed to love to manipulate them dismiss me, good for them! the person I genuinely did... Okay do love feels a mixture of pity/fear/mutual understanding/anger towards me, and I'm glad she refuses to talk to me now after several years of being in my sphere of influence, although she did a number on me too. 

A year ago after person above left my life for good, I went a tad mad, it was bad. First it was the thoughts they were feverish. Then I couldn't sleep, then I started hearing things, like an answering machine voice, but all the words it was just like incoherent noise, a series of words. Then the crying laughing fits, and eventually slicing at myself with a blunt implement until I had enough blood to paint a picture, in the middle of school surrounded by people, smiling and humming to myself. I can't tell if the last part was pure crazy, a plea for help or just being an adrenaline junkie, not to mention the sadistic artwork of a particular person, I really like blondes, it's weird I know. I mean if all else fails I'll just sell paintings, call it pickman's top picks or something. 

Anyway no longer that way now, but ooh it's getting round to it again, taste lemons and all that, dreading it... And I realise I'm more kinda 33/66 - 25/75 ASD/BPD... I feel guilt, remorse... A lot of it, so not a psychopath... Despite the empty black humour... If it's even detectable plus self-deprication. I am however pretty twisted, can't tell my parents, I know I should be getting treatment, maybe EMDR therapy but I can't ask for anything specific, UK NHS and it's broken mental health services... Haha, plus my parents seem to have this hardy attitude, mixed with naivety, likening mental illness to "homeless smelly people" as a psych student to be after my gap year I just sit there bemused, hurting inside, saying how much they love me, while dismissing me... Just wanna go.

So not seeking a diagnosis, just well over at r/aspergers maybe not the most appropriate place to vent about this. Just struggling, knowing the next couple of hours will be horrible... Just gonna keep up the spotify and gruesome crime dramas... I have headphones on nearly all day now haha. I would like to someone to talk to.
