My brother was mediocre to say. It's not that he doesn't have personality or interests, he just lacks ambition for anything career-wise.  He's always had the sort of "I know best" attitude and he likes to isolate himself from mom and dad. I understand why though. When he was younger, my mom was going through something and would frequently take it out on us either through mean words, yelling, or hitting. I remember being so terrified of her walking through the door because I never knew what the next move was. She was either sweet or felt so grinded down by the world that we were her only outlet. He got the worst of it and remembers most of it.

My brother always got mediocre grades, he didn't care to learn how to drive (He does have a license and can drive), and working never interested him. It was the lack of ambition that got on my parent's nerves. Especially my mom's. He has his moments where I get angry at his pure unwillingness but the way my mom can make someone feel so worthless. After he graduated, my mom gets angry just by him coming upstairs and her mood would sour. My brother has always been bitter, but he's just so fucking sad all the time and never confides in anything with them. They don't even know the true extent.

He's 20 and has a job, but it sometimes feels half-hearted. A few months ago, I heard my parents in the living room talking about him and his future. My dad wants him to go to college but my mom thinks it's a waste of time because what's going to do with it? He hasn't shown any clear pursuit of anything so why force that crippling debt on him? Then her voice got shaky and started saying that she failed him. That he's a failure and that's why they've been harder on me. I don't get away easily unlike him. My mom used to have conversations that he was the failed product and that she wants to do better for me. Like my brother has no more raising to be done and that's just it for him.

I've never been good a keeping up with grades and something that's become scary for me is that I don't know what I want to do. I'm scared my mom will stop inviting me to things and that she'll get upset when I walk into the same room. I'm scared of being a stranger in my own home. Sometimes it feels like her love is conditional.