TW: Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal thoughts.
Hi guys.. You don’t have to read this I’m just really at my widths end with myself. I’m so empty. I’m dealing with extra hormones, I am pregnant. With a beautiful and from what the doctors tell me, healthy babygirl.. when I found out, the baby daddy I didn’t know too well but he was already planning us moving in together a week in. He asked me to be his girlfriend after three days of knowing him and I was smitten. A week later I felt like I was moving too fast, I’ve dealt with some heartbreak and I was so scared so I told him we needed to go slower and be friends a bit longer. The next day he sent me screenshots of him and his ex girlfriend talking.. he was telling her all the same things he was telling me.. the weird thing was is while me and him were talking he made it sound like she was trying to get in between us as she was messaging me he was crazy. It was a mess. He lied to me about everything.. I was heartbroken.. even though it was only a thing that lasted 3 weeks. Then I found out I was pregnant with his child. I was just depressed for the next week, I couldn’t stop crying. After all that had happened I couldn’t tell him. For the next couple weeks I got my shit together and said I’m having this baby. I told my parents, and they were open arms more than I expected them to be. I never considered abortion in the beginning. A couple more weeks later I talked to a friend and my OBGYN who kept telling me abortion was an option. I just broke down and felt like I couldn’t do it and it was the right decision. During that time I relapsed smoking there vape disposables. And Most I drank was for a week. I was preparing myself mentally for the abortion and then one day I said I can’t do this. It didn’t feel right. It felt like my baby was there for a reason. I had anxiety about what I’d done during those couple weeks of smoking but I was reassured my baby would be okay. I stopped everything again like i did when I found out, and then my parents did a 180 on me (I live with them) and we wouldn’t stop fighting, I was also losing everyone I thought had my back. I relapsed again on vaping. Took another break and then late December relapsed again on vaping (mind you I only drank that one week). I have 4 months left. Been vaping regularly the past 2 1/2.. oh how I long to close my eyes and wake up to the beginning so I could tell myself it’s okay. Not to go back to my bad habits. Have that excited feeling of potential. I’ve been so depressed and empty the past week, I’ve been quitting vaping which I am happy I am. But I am so disappointed in myself. I pray every night she will be healthy her whole life. I read women who just vape and say oh well baby’s healthy. But I know I’m going to have anxiety everyday that she will have something happen to her. God forbid. But it’s hard. And I know I did it to myself.. the worst feeling is not being able to turn back the clock.