I’m so tired. I’m so so tired. I just started college, art college to be specific. it all sucks. This is all I’ve wanted for years. Ever since I was in 7th grade I’ve wanted to go to this school. And now I’m here. and everyone is so good at everything and I am so terrible. I cant make anything that I enjoy and I often find myself thinking that I dont belong in an art field, and that I wont be happy doing this, and that I should drop and find something else. but I’m not good at anything else. I feel like Im going to end up living as a drug addict or something. which doesnt make sense because I’m extremely straight edge and I’ve never touched any drug aside from my actual prescription medication before. I want to blame my dad so bad. He was arrested a few years ago for the possession of cp. I lived for a year and a half without seeing him or being able to talk to him. the whole thing is a cluster fuck. he isnt in jail, and he claims innocence. The second I turned 18 I went to see him for the first time in over a year. I then lived with him over the summer. I hated it. and while I lived with him again I grew to hate him. I moved back in with my mom when college started. Hes only texted me once. I dont like him but part of me wishes he cared about how my school is going etc. I think about dying often, I dont think about killing myself but I think about not being alive, and how much work it is going to take to live life entirely. And it sucks so bad that I dont want to do that. I have an amazing boyfriend who I met online a few years ago. I met him in person and we spent a week together in august. I feel like I’ve met all the goals I’ve wanted to meet and now I dont want to live because of how hard everything is. All of this on top of having no sense of self and the situation with my dad a ticking time bomb since he has a court date being held over his head idk if im ready for anything else. Idk if im ready to hear whether my dad is truly innocent or guilty and idk if im ready to hear anything that may cause change in my life but change always happens and ive never been able to sit in a stable situation and be comfortable. I give up.