My current relationship is going down in flames and I have some insight that I thought could be relatable for some. When I meet someone I like, I fall hard and quick. It's not completely superficial, sure they're cute but they also have similar interests like music or art. They are laid back, or interesting. I do small things to sink my hooks into their life, make it hard for them to get out. Like asking to move in together. A year into the relationship the rose glasses come off and I see that my partner has qualities I'm not OK with, like any relationship probably. Had I been paying attention from the beginning, I would have seen the signs that they just weren't meant for me. I try so hard to not be alone, to be with someone who I love and loves me unconditionally, someone dependable...and they are! But then I end up wanting to leave because I know I don't really love them, I just love the idea of having someone at my side to not be alone. Then I feel guilt, but I do the right thing and break it off. In a way, I mold myself to be more like the other person, to see how they see, to understand why they are the way they are. And this is why the flaws that bother me in the long run don't bother me in the first year or so...because I understand them completely and I'm fully enmeshed with their values. I trick myself into falling in love for "survival." Although, in reality I'm just hurting myself and people around me. I'm not going to beat myself up, though. I want to learn from my mistakes, but infatuation and the desperate need to be loved is a strong drug and I don't know how to fight it's sneaky forces. I could say to myself, no this is really it! This is truly a healthy relationship!  No animorphing to that person (yes I typed animorphing on purpose, the 90's rule) no clingy claw moves, just a true blue relationship no smoke and mirrors. But then BAM! it's happened. It starts from the beginning, I know. Not the beginning of the relationship, but with me when I'm alone. I need to learn about myself. Be with myself, honor myself. Love myself. It's a long journey, but I think I can do it.

Thanks for listening, please comment if you have similar experiences or just feels like commenting.