He's gone. And I don't even have any pictures of us together.

for as long as I can remember, i've always had this looming self hatred. every time I see myself in pictures (of which i obsessively dodge, all the time, but sometimes people manage) i'm left with nothing but disgust and hate. no matter what i do, i can't look at myself and think anything positive, ever. i don't recognise my appearance as my own at all.

i've never taken or been in a picture that i like, ever, every single time i'm reminded that i exist physically and am seen i'm just left broken. i wish i had no body at all, that i could just exist as some formless entity, or just not exist at all. i hate being stuck in a body that doesn't feel like my own, I hate feeling like there's no body that would feel like mine. i'd even accept some troupe, some generic appearance of like "oh they're just a hipster/goth/fucking anything" I wish I had something to hide behind or fall back on, but I don't want to be a part of any collective. I just wish I didn't hate being me.

so i avoid pictures like anything. i dip out of sight, i leave, i hide in whatever way i can. now my friend's dead, we'll never meet again, we'll never just sit in a call and play games again, there'll be nothing again. and everyone is sending pictures of them with him, i feel so ridiculously lesser. an entirely lesser friend and person. I don't have pictures with him, i don't have anything that shows our friendship together. It shouldn't matter to me, our memories are no worse for not being immortalised to some pictures, but it feels like i'm lesser to everyone. and ultimately, i really do wish i had pictures to remember our times together, to look back on fondly, to remember them. 

so right now I'm really conscious of impermanence and a big part of me wants to take pictures and everything with friends i still have. But i just can't bring myself to. i hate seeing myself, I hate the whole awkward process of taking a picture. i hate the reminder of my being perceived. and i'm sick of hating it, i wish i didn't care, i wish i knew how i could change it and i wish i had the motivation to do anything if i did.

for the longest time I've just had this thought and loose plans that I could always just die if I wanted, most wouldn't really care and those that do would move on. It would be rough for close family, that's always been a deterrent, but largely it's felt like an option.

now it just doesn't feel like one. I can't put my already grieving friends through anything remotely similar right now after my friend's death. and if I did, i'd be willingly taking focus off of him which would feel so shit. i don't want attention, i want nothing, i want to just fade out

i hate this trapping feeling of forced definite life.