I’ve had ulcerative colitis for going on 5 years. I don’t really like to talk to anyone about it, not really even my significant other. For the most part I’ve learned to live with it. 

Medications haven’t worked for me so far and I don’t know if I’ve really come to terms with this being the rest of my life or if I’m in denial about it.

Today I’ve just had a really bad with UC and I think it probably has to do with all the anxiety I’ve been under. A lot of things are changing in my life and I feel like I have to put on this act that I’m okay. People know me as a cheerful, caring guy who does well in school. My friends don’t really know about my personal problems.

Everyday I have to deal with this shit to a varying degree. 3 months on humira and nothing has changed. Part of me blames myself because I know I don’t take care of my body like I should. I don’t sleep or eat well. I drink too much. I’m a poly drug addict. On top of that my ADHD leaves me always feeling like a disorganized mess. I just don’t know how to deal with everything.

I graduate college next month and plan on proposing to my girlfriend and moving in with her. I should be happy but I’m just an anxious mess. Today I had so much shit to do but I just keep running to the toilet. But fuck me I’m dumb because I still want a drink.