I am a 30 year old male i always struggled to cope with live from very young age my father was abusive he even shot at me with a gun i strugled i tried to took my live twice the first time i cut my wrist my mother found me took me to the hospital cut was so deep they had to join my ligament again the second time i was 26 i took a rope tied it to the roof in my garage and hanged myself  and passed out when i woke up i was in the hospital the rope broke and my wife found me when she heard the thump after that she said i must get help or she is going to leave me after i was mental institute for 2 months i was diagnosed with adhd bipolar and ocd iam on medication and it helps but not always i get so distant from my family when i get depressed i want someone to talk to but i also get so irational when iam depressed i cant sleep i just want to die i hate myself i hate that i have to be like this i hate that i have this shit it like a never ending cycle its like the seasons in the year and I hate this I just want this to stop why some times i just feel nothing like every thing and every one doesnt matter then it changes to i love every one so much then i get so into my work that nothing in the world matters but the job then one day i just dont care about my job anymore...... i hate this i just had to get this off my chest sorry i never done this just I feel like a blackhole