I had a psychotic episode 8 years ago where i tried to seriously hurt my little brother and mutilated myself. Because of this i was put on a court order, hospitalised for 5 weeks. forced to take Clozapine with blood tests and made to see a court appointed doctor and psychiatrist weekly for 9 months

A few months ago i fell into another psychotic episode and in a delusional state i believed Angels were in direct communication externally from my mind, I heard these entities in the real world and they told me to listen to the angry man i have inside my head since i was 18, this angry man was telling me to drink another humans blood and chew on his heart. I very nearly went through with it and planned it out. Because of this i was put yet again on a section 2 of the mental health act and was put back in hospital as a involuntary patient for 28 days.

When i got out i still heard the voices internally in my head but pretended the new psychotics they switched made them all go away. 2 weeks later i tried to kill myself, taking 20 Codeine phosphate and tried hanging myself in the woods, i was going to do it on Reddit live but was talked out of it by a couple of saviours on this sub. The tie that i used snapped and i hit my head on a rock, the police found me and i woke up in A&amp;E. After i was checked out they put me back in hospital for 5 weeks.

I am terrified what will come next, today in my country (England) somebody with a mental illness went on a shooting spree, even killing a 10 year old girl. It made me think what if my next episode makes me so delusional i kill somebody or myself.