Hi, not sure what I'm doing here. I'm not really looking for advice on further steps of how to deal with my problems. I think that I know what the next steps are. I'm currently in therapy and it is for all intents and purposes helping at times. I've been suicidal in the past and my therapist has helped me to get away from those thoughts or at least find ways to deal with them and take precautions that stop me from actually going through with anything. She's encouraged me to open up to the closest people in my life and try to convince myself that being alone isn't the only thing I'm actually good at. Which has all helped, I have times where its better; where I can sleep for the majority of the night, where I can see friends without constantly feeling inadequate or alone and even being what I would call happy for a week or so at the end of September. 

Now I get to the problem and I guess the point of my question. I'm starting to understand that my depression is very cyclical, it comes and goes but is always a creeping notion in the back of my mind. I'm always fighting against myself at all times of the day, sometimes its easy and I can get things done in my life. Other days (usually a string of days or weeks) I don't have it in me to fight against it. I don't know if I don't have the energy. It would make sense because after a couple of bad days my sleep goes and I get a sort of insomnia where I'm awake for roughly 36+ hours and I tend to then only find sleep when I essentially pass out due to exhaustion. In addition, even on "good"/"easy" days, I'm not happy. Today I realized that I remember the time I was happy (end of September) in the sense that I know I did a lot of things I wouldn't do in my current mental state. I also remember it being easy to do these things, but for the life of me I genuinely can't remember what its like to actually be happy. I can't remember the feeling of it. It's like someone told me a story of a someone being happy and I happened to be the protagonist of the story but I can't actually relate to it.

Now as I said at the beginning, I know the further steps in theory. I am set to start on antidepressants to "balance" out the cycle and I'm continuing Therapy for the foreseeable future. But I don't know what I'm doing it all for. I know that this thought, for me at least, has started a lot of my suicidal phases but this time I don't know anymore. I've already done so much in the last year (started therapy, opening up to the people close to me, accepting that it is a problem and that I can't solve it alone) and I'm starting to lose faith that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel". Whereas even in previous bad/suicidal phases I've known that I could take steps to get out of it. I would put myself down for not doing anything about my problems. But I can't say that anymore, I have done things, I don't have a solution or ideas on what I could do because I'm already doing them. So I guess that's what I'm doing here, trying to figure out if there is even a point. Not only to not kill myself but to keep fighting, not to just give up and just accept the outcome.