Hi ! Hope you are good in your life.  For my part,  I struggle with suicide thougth, I dont really now where I'm going but now I need to talk about my past. Hope you enjoye !  -I have a bad english-

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I was born in 97, south of France, in normal familly. My mom doesnt work, and my father was physiotherapist. When i becaume scool (at juste before my 3 years) my mother abuse me. I remember what she said "You are a big boy now, you will go to scool tomorrow. Follow me, i will show you something for adults, because know you are". I didn't even have 3 years. She force me too touch her, with my mouth and my hand. She force me. I remember, one stupide things, I was tall as doorknob. After that my father abuse me, with a "play". We make the plane, and he made me fall on his testicule. Antoher time, my mother force me too watch their sexual act, that was horrifing.I grew up, and my mother, a time to time got naked in front of me. 

My father,  cheat on my mother all of time. The wiolence in the hous was terrible. I grew up, and when I have 14 year old, my fother go. And i was alone with my mother. At this point, i see my mother fall in the madness. During 6 year she see juste me, during 6 years i was alone wither her. No one save me, all of the familly knew. I call faw times hospital, and they didn't believe me ! 

I leave her at 20 years, for work in the university. I have my biology bachelor, and i start in Lyon a Master in Bioinformatics. When im in Lyon i get sick. I go in my town for my health. And my father, destoyed me, literraly. He insulte me all time. My health is deteriorating, i stop to eat.  I lose 12 kg. I have a perineal hypertonia, i cant go in the toilet. That is horrible. And this year i work in a new Master for making surgical robot or scanner. And that is really nice. 

Oh ! I forgot to mentionned two think. At 4 ou 5 year my grand father abuse me too. I will never foget the feeling of my soul who get out my body. And my first ex-girlfrind who forced me to have sex with, and who  humiliate myself. 

Now i 25 year old, and i dont want to figth any more. I juste want, to stop all. I dont know why i continu. I feel nothing, I just want to take my bike, go to my brother, grap her gun, charge and kill my self. Or jump off a bridge. My life ise miserable, I too. I try so hard, I make sport, I see some good friend, but I just don't know who i am. I dont know my feeling. I know nothing.    
 

 I don't know if someone read, all of this shit, but i congrate you if you here. Don't wory about me, i see a terapiste, and a doctore for my perineal probleme. Hope you are good, in your life, see yoU.