Back when I (19F) was 15, I went through a very bad few months mental health-wise. Was badly self harming every day at school, very anxious, couldn’t cope with being in classes due to anxiety attacks etc. Got so bad I eventually dropped out.  

During this time, I became really fascinated with and invested in and sort of... attached to Jeffrey Dahmer.  At the time I don’t think I realised how overboard I went. I was properly like fixated on him, drawing him, reading up on him, talking about him to anyone who would listen. Nothing brought me more enthusiasm and joy than discussing him with people.  

Looking back a couple of years later, I was like ‘yeah I can see why people were a bit concerned - it was a bit much lol’. Twas a bit too fangirly.  I assumed that was that and that I was past that. That it was an isolated incident stemming from me being very shaky mentally and perhaps needing something or someone to cling to. I don’t know.  

But at the end of last year, I watched a short docu-drama on another serial killer and felt a hint of that unrivalled intrigue that I’d felt years earlier with Dahmer. However, aside from him becoming a bit of a twisted in-joke between me and a friend, all was well.  

Now - the topic of that particular individual has arisen again and we’ve started joking/discussing more regularly than before. This led to us watching the show again.  

And, lo and behold, I’m beginning to be sucked into that void again. The void of fixating on and constantly thinking about another terrible, terrible person.  I don’t understand what it is that draws me to these people like this. I hate misusing terms, but I can’t think of anything to call it besides a hyperfixation, honestly. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.  

I feel attached to this person. I’m aware that sounds very ‘im not like other girls xoxo I’m so edgy wow’ but genuinely, I feel, without meaning to, emotionally attached to this horrible man.  

Like... I can acknowledge that he was a horrific person, and did utterly abhorrent things, and somehow that doesn’t faze this weird attachment I feel.   

And I don’t mean unfazed like ‘I can look at crime scene photos without flinching lol’ - thinking too hard about anything he actually did stresses the ever loving shit out of me and makes me feel nauseous. What I mean is that this sort of weird almost-affection is totally unfazed despite that knowledge.  

I also want to state that it’s specifically this person. Not like mass murderers as a whole - just him.  

I don’t really know how to end of this post. I just wanted to post this here and ask for opinions/insight/anything at all. I felt it was vaguely mental health related, hence me posting it here.  

And I just want to say also that I promise I’m not trying to be edgy. Genuinely. I don’t go out of my way to feel like this, it’s completely without intent. And I wondered if anyone could give me some idea or suggestion of perhaps why this is happening or if they experience the same thing.  

Additional note - I’ve been doing pretty badly mentally since early last year, and things have been especially bad since around November last year. So perhaps it’s linked again?? I don’t know. I’m just speculating. It’s just odd and maybe relevant that this has happened during both of the worst states I’ve ever been in mentally.

(I wanted to flair this as ‘advice needed’ or ‘discussion’ but I mentioned self harm and felt i had to flair it with ‘trigger warning’ instead just as a heads up)