This will be a long text and I would really appreciate it if you guys take your time and read it. I know that you can't diagnose someone based on a text on the internet, but if you could give me some answers what I might have that would be great or give me some sort of guidance.

I have not been to therapy before, I have been suspecting I have ADD and had an assessment with a psychologist, I was not clean at the time so they could not continue it.

Okay so short about my childhood. I was born to two parents from a MENA (middle east &amp; north african) country who migrated to a Scandinavian country because of war. My parents met through an arranged marriage, my mothers family were very poor and my mom who was 17 at the time was illiterate when they married. My father was more than 20 years older than my mom and I don’t know so much about him except the fact that he was addicted to khat which is a stimulant and it is very common in that area.

When I grew up my father was very abusive in the relationship and he used to hit my mom a lot in front of us kids (me being the oldest). I remember him being paranoid and thinking my mom was cheating and he even threatened her with a knife, I was very scared and defended my mom thinking he would kill her. I was always sleeping with my mom when my dad was angry at her because I was scared of what he would do to her (my mom told me this last part as I got older). This was around the time I was 4-6 years old. My mom told me I was very withdrawn as a kid and I didn’t like getting hugs from kindergarten teachers. I was also bullied a lot by other kids when I started school.

Anyways when I was 6 my mom had enough, my dad had a lot of addiction problems. He was dealing khat as a living, was addicted to gambling so he spent most of his money on that. He used to have psychosis when he stayed up too long on khat and was acting very weird and irrational, asking me questions about my mom seeing other men when he was there. He also looked under the bed to see if there was a man under there. Around this time I realised he was not sane, I was 5-6 years old. My mom told us she had to divorce our dad and that we were moving, I remember meeting social workers and they were talking to us.

After that we moved away and I started a new school. It was all good. I never had a hard time in school luckily. Growing up we had it good, thank god for my mom. She was very supportive and made us feel safe. I didn’t see my dad until I was 11-12 years old I think. I later found out he had a restraining order when I was 15. So that was a little bit about my childhood.

I always knew I would try drugs when I was younger when they taught us about it in school. So when I was 16 I started drinking and smoking weed and I really loved the effects I got. 2 years later I tried MDMA and LSD and loved it. After that I tried every drug I could get my hands on, painkillers, benzos, amphetamines etc. I had a problem with amphetamines for awhile but I stopped. I also started abusing weed smoking always daily with friends. Also around this time I was depressed and had a lot of anxiety so the drugs helped me cope. When I was not using drugs I was browsing \[[r/drugs](https://www.reddit.com/r/drugs/)\]([https://www.reddit.com/r/drugs/](https://www.reddit.com/r/drugs/)), erowid and other forums to read about tripreports and such.

Around the time I was 20 I started doing criminal stuff. I was hanging out with people who sold drugs, some of them were criminals (I know it's criminal to sell drugs but they were doing other shit too) and I am a very naive person, or I used to be. I got hustled by a guy and I got angry and broke into his house and stole his stuff. I also started selling weed and liked living the lifestyle. I got into deeper problems and a childhood friend of mine ruined my apartment. I rented it for him (it cost me 800$). I confronted him about it and later we got into a fistfight and he robbed me on my phone. After that he threatened me he would stab me if I tried fighting him again. This was around 2017-2018, I got deeper into my drug addiction. I started having beef with my then girlfriends exs who had guns and were older criminals. I was paranoid all the time looking for people I wanted to avoid and was very hypervigilant so I got prescribed zoloft.

Then it went downhill, I started taking steroids and had a girlfriend who was very deep in her drug addiction. Our relationship was very toxic (think Jesse Pinkman with his drug addict gf + fighting a lot). We were using drugs daily, smoking heroin, weed, taking tramadol ,benzos. I was in a bad place. Some of my friends started distancing from me, I was still angry with the guy who ruined my appt and I was hunting him. We got into fistfights and I was chasing him down with a beer bottle once trying to hit him in the head (long story). After that I was getting into a lot of fights. I started taking harder steroids like trenbolone (one of the hardest steroids who has very negative mental side effects) while abusing painkillers and smoking weed daily.

Me and my girlfriend at the time put an advertisement on an escort site and we lived in my friends appt. I told my girlfriend to talk to them on the phone and bait them to our apartment. When the horny older man (they were usually old) came I was waiting inside the bathroom, I then told my gf to lock the door and say she is going to the toilet. I pulled a knife on them and robbed them on their money and phone. I stopped doing this after one guy started fighting back, I started to think if the sex customers had a knife they would stab me in self defence.

I got into fights a lot and I had a personality change. My family started noticing it but I didn’t care. Then in 2019 when I was meeting an older lady (56 years old) from a sex site I was speeding and the road was slippery, I was in a car accident. I almost died but I didn’t have any life threatening injuries. When I told my friends and mom about this they were really worried and concerned, after the near death experience I got a reality check. I was still using drugs until the summer in 2019 when I went to my home country for a month. I decided to quit. I was sober for 3 months which was the longest time in many years. I relapsed but this time I was not abusing drugs like I did before.

In all this time I was studying in University (2016-2020). I graduated earlier this year. I was living a double life but I still did good in school, even though I cheated sometimes. First half of the year my dad got diagnosed with Corona and I broke up with my girlfriend. My dad survived but I was still using drugs. I was hanging out with my friends who were all drug addicts. I knew that as long as I lived in my hometown I would be using drugs and waste my life, so I started looking for jobs and have since moved.

Since I moved I have been living very calm. Except when I met a 53 year old lady through a sex site, she was very out of shape and looked very trashy… The after nut clarity hit and I honestly felt embarrassed. I have a sex addiction problem lol. I have been to Thaimassage twice, one was with a older lady 50+, she was out of shape too and bad at sex. I still paid 100$. The second time I requested someone younger, but her pussy smelled like fish so my dick went soft so she gave me a handjob. I then decided thaimassage was not my thing.

On the positive side I have been sober for 1 month and 23 days, I started taking zoloft again 200mg daily. I am doing better, still depressed and anxious but better than before. My memory is also pretty fucked but I am okay with it lol. I have trouble sleeping and waking up every night but it has been so for a long time. It is also because I have started a new job and got a own apt. I am going to start therapy soon, I am honestly a little scared of what diagnoses I have so I have been procrastinating it. But I also know I need to talk to someone about this and I have trauma I haven’t dealt with. So… before I make the contact I would appreciate if someone could take a guess on what I have? I think I have a personality disorder. I don’t think it is narcissistic pd since I don’t feel like I am better than anyone else. I was thinking maybe borderline? Or maybe I have bipolar disorder?

Some things to mention:

\* I was sexually molested when I was around 5-6 by an older guy (around 12 I think?)

\* When I was in my home country the first time when I was 6 I killed cats. One cat I threw a rock at, the other cat I drowned and my relatives found out. I don’t know how I feel about that tbh. Also I put rubber bands on my handicapped cousin arms so she would lose her arm. Her mom found out.

\* I was VERY addicted to videogames as a kid. I played waaay too much, my mom got concerned. I was very asocial. When we got a computer when I got older I always used it. They even had to put a timer on it so it shuts itself down after 2 hours. I found a way to take away the program. Me and my mom used to fight a lot because of it and I ran away from our home a couple of times.

\* Before I tried weed and alcohol I used to steal my little brothers concerta (he has severe ADHD), I was 15-16 around this time. My mom found out that the pills were gone before the prescription date so she confronted me and I denied. After that I stopped for a while..

\* 2017 I was working in elderly care and used to steal oxycontin from older patients. I remember once when an elderly person was in a lot of pain and asked if I could give her the morning medicine earlier. I gave her extra paracetamol instead and later snorted the oxys. I also used to steal all kinds of prescription drugs from the elders I worked with. I knew something was wrong with me and I had no problem doing it and not feeling any remorse..

\* When I was robbing people the first times I was on a lot of drugs and taking steroids. So my excuse was steroids. But I still did it sober when I quit the steroids, and I honestly have no remorse. My excuse is if you buy sex from women you deserve it. And also I have been a victim myself, idk. It’s pretty hypocritical I know.

\* I have it very easy getting obsessed with girls. Always had, even as younger. I even remember I had a huge crush on a girl when I was around 6, when she spat on the floor I took her saliva and swallowed it (I know wtf). And I still get stalkish with girls I don’t even know (like the guy in “You” on Netflix) and have a very unhealthy obsession with them. Maybe Borderline?

\* I have had psychosis twice when I took too much acid with the wrong people, once ended in psychiatric care after chasing my friend with a knife trying to kill him….

\* I usually don’t manipulate people. I am a compulsive liar though. I am trying to quit since I have learned people almost always find the truth.

\* I have cheated in 2 of my relationships.

\* I grew up in a very strict muslim family, I a am closeted atheist so I do not believe in god. I had to live a double life growing up, pray, fast during ramadan etc. It was very taxing, but I had to please my mom. I have since moved so I don’t have to deal with that anymore.

\* We never talked about what happened in our childhood or feelings. My mom was very loving though. Since a few years back I started bringing it up and my mom is opening up more now. She was even denying about what happened during our childhood but I forgive her, she has a lot of trauma

\* My dad is very manipulative, we don’t have much contact. He is close to 70 and has been close to death many times. I want to forgive him but it's hard, he only wants money from me now that I am working and it is causing a lot of stress. He is a real asshole but my mom taught me not to say anything to him, I once told him he can’t tell me what to do since he didn’t raise me. He started crying and after that I felt kinda bad for him. So I am thinking the last years he is alive I let him live in his ignorance thinking he is a good father etc..

\* I haven’t cried since 2017, after an argument with my mom when we didn't talk for weeks and I overdosed on some drugs in my room (not lethal, no one found out) and I was angry at her and started crying. Before that it was many years. I want to cry because it is healthy and I remember the feeling but I don’t know why I can't cry.

\* After the steroid abuse I have hypogonadism (low testosterone), my natural production was fucked. Opiates probably had to do with it too. But it has been a while since I checked and trenbolone suppresses natural production up to 18 months, I am living a healthier lifestyle and workout so I think it is better now. But I was feeling really depressed when I found out...

\* After the car accident I didn’t borrow anyone's car for a while since I don’t want that responsibility. Now that I work and use the company car I noticed I still am a reckless driver… I drive way above the speed limiting and can’t help myself. I am very impulsive and thrill seeking and it is just a matter of time before I am in a car accident that is fatal.

If you have read all this, thank you so much. Most of the things I have not told anyone and I feel safe telling it on reddit anonymously. And it honestly feels good typing this out. There are other things I left out, but I am taking that to my grave.. Is it okay to tell all this to a psychiatrist? I don’t want to get in legal trouble. Some might get shocked about the things I have done and that I am a horrible person, but I know that already. I want to get help and figure things out before I either die in a car crash or get in jail. I don’t want my family to die this early and leave my family this early, I know my mom would get devastated. Also I am not suicidal, I have suicidal thoughts sometimes when I am down but I know that when I am sober in the future and have my life in control I will feel a lot better. I used to have some self-harming behaviour (I didn’t know what it was until a friend told me) when using steroids, drugs and getting into fights. But I hope you could tell me what diagnosis you think I have? Or any thoughts? Thank you for listening to my ted talk…

TL;DR: There is no tldr sorry.