this is my first reddit post so sorry if it's shit (also i'm on mobile)

i've been suicidal for the past 2-3 years and i've been self harming for probably just as long. i don't know what condition(s) i have and to be honest every time i scour the internet trying to figure it out i just end up exhausted and discouraged. but my symptoms include daily depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, psychosis, hallucinations, and other shit like lethargy and apathy. 

last night i was with my friend going to guitar center and everything was fine but when i got home i have no idea what but something caused a shift in my head because i fell into a deep depressive episode which lead me to self harm and start to feel detached from reality. 

i used to go to therapy sessions but stopped going after i told my dad i was feeling better. (the real reason is he's a single parent working a pretty labor intensive job that doesn't pay all too well and sometimes we can't afford food) i felt extremely guilty and disgusted every time i overheard how much the sessions were costing (around $100-$120 each session) i feel like a burden 

consciousness is prisoner to the evolutionary meatbag

my dad has a .22 rifle in his closet. if i ever get my grubby little piss stained hands on some ammo i'm giving whoever is in charge of this simulation one last middle finger before i paint my bedroom walls with brain matter. 

honestly i have no idea what the point of this post is, i don't even know what i'm feeling right now i just want everything to go black and never return. i'm sorry if i wasted anyone's time but fuck it.