 Prompt: “so, what now?”

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it’s been a while since I’ve been here

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I never thought I’d be back here

balancing on the railing

looking at the water

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I should have known that it would stay with me

it never really left me

it just stays

preying from the depths 

the depths of my mind

occasionally popping up for a few days

a few days of peace 

and happiness

and then it’ll leave

it’ll leave me for a few days

all alone

for a few days

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but now, it’s back

and I can feel it throbbing in my head

it took me to this bridge

and I can feel it doesn’t want to leave today

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it tells me that he needs to be free

and that so do I

I want to be free too

but do I want to be free?

is this the freedom that I want?

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but it tells me to stop

to stop questioning

questioning meaningless questions

so I do

because I can’t think 

and my head throbs

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it keeps telling me

that love isn’t fair

that life isn’t fair

that I can’t help myself

that I’m hopeless

a lost cause

and I agree

because I trust him

and my head throbs

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so i keep doing what it wants

enchanted by its promises of peace

peace in a hopeless world

peace in a lonely world

so I stay and listen

and listen to its promises of

peace

once again

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his voice

deep and concerned

echoes in my head

echoes

bouncing from side to side

unable to be set free

free of my head

thousands of little echoes

making my head throb

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it tells me that he can help

with my suffering

that it can show me peace

that it can cure me

and it’s told me that everytime 

everytime we see each other

everytime

I don’t know why I refused 

last week

because it didn’t get better

and I wish I listened

and I wish I followed through

followed through to a world of peace

and freedom

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I wished a thousand little wishes

a thousand tiny wishes

condensed into clarity

and happiness

and hopefulness

but it showed me the truth

the ugly truth 

of life

of my life

and it showed me the truth

of these wishes

of these childish prayers

irresponsible

and impossible

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so I took those wishes

those tiny littles wishes

and put them in a box

a tiny box

for all of my hopes and dreams

for me to throw out

one day

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and so, I’m back

back at the bridge

balancing on the railing

looking outwards

at the water below

thinking

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I wonder if it’ll hurt

I wonder

and I wonder

endless questions

endless thoughts

endless

and I try to stop

and I want it to stop

but it’s back

and I can feel it gnawing at my heart

it doesn’t want it to stop

so neither do I

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memories flash by

memories of failures

memories of hatred

feelings of hopelessness

feelings of shame

it’s here and I can feel it

it’s hurting me

but it’s a different kind of pain

and it tells me to embrace it

so I embrace it

and I love it

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it asks me if I’m sure

and asks me if there’s anything that I want to do

so I tell him about love

and hope

thinking it’ll matter

but my companion brushes it aside

telling me terrible things

terrible

terrible things

about my life

about my friends

but my brain throbs

and I can’t think

so I embrace his words

because I trust him

and I trust him with my life

because he’s always here for me

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he tells me that it’s a sacrifice

for something bigger

better

it’s a sacrifice for

peace

and love

for once in my life

I can feel peaceful

I can feel loved

so I let it happen

and I embrace it

because I trust him

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and so, I’m sitting

and relaxing

back at the bridge

balancing on the railing 

looking outwards

at the water below

shaking

and peaceful

thinking

about

nothing

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nothing at all

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he’s back

and I can feel him pumping in my blood

I can feel him in my body

everywhere

my friend doesn’t want to leave today

and I’m glad

I haven’t been happier

happier that someone’s always here for me

no matter what

he’s always there

no matter what

unlike everyone else

and I’m glad

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a police officer arrives

asking me if I’m alright

asking me to get down

asking me to leave the knife

but I like the pain

and I like my cuts

and I love my friend

so I stay

and I tell him i’m fine

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but he doesn’t want to leave

and he keeps saying stuff 

that I don’t understand

he tells me that I can be happy

but I don’t know if I want it

if it’s even possible

my friend tells me that it’s not worth it

so I don’t want it

and I tell him that

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but he isn’t satisfied

he wants more

more of my tears

more of my blood

because he keeps talking

screaming

screeching

to me

in my head

and he hurt my friend

and he hurts my head

so I ran

with my friend

away

away from him

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my friend wants to jump

to escape him

to escape the world

for once and for all

and he tells me that

that it’s for the better

that it’s for me

and that it’s for him

that it’s for hope

and peace

so I do too

I believe him

I trust him

with my life

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but he catches me

evil

evil man

he catches me 

and gives me offers

of hopeless hope

and of purposeless purpose

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but my friend doesn’t want it

so I don’t want it

and I tell him that

but he doesn’t listen

he doesn’t want to listen

to me

to my words

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and so 

I’m in the car

bright blue and reds

with my friend

looking outwards

at the water below

covered in cuts

shaking

stuck

once again

with an evil man

heading nowhere

thinking

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“What now?”