  

As an introduction to the way I’m feeling right now I will describe my life a bit and what made me tired of it and failing in finding a way out towards better days.

I have a brother with Multiple Sclerosis, of whom I’m taking care of. For over 2 years now, I took him from my mother, a person who let’s say is not mentally stable, for the fact that my brother is half paralyzed, can barely do anything, and her attitude towards him, was aggressive by yelling at him , telling him that he’s a pain for her, that she can’t to anything because of him and he’s a burden, besides the actual flaming, she even started hitting him. In that moment I had to take him in. Now I don’t have a very stable life, I live with rent, I broke up with my girlfriend a few years back (she cheated on me with a very close friend) and from that moment I couldn’t put my trust into a relationship anymore.

After taking my brother in to live with me, things became after a while quite difficult, his symptoms have gotten worse over time, at some point he became fully paralyzed, he couldn’t move his left arm or leg, he could only tilt his head, it was a difficult period, but I was there for him, he saw it, he saw that I won’t let him go through this alone.

It was indeed a difficult period, but I managed to take him to recovery centers which helped him out. But I couldn’t get a regular job, so for a while I searched for work from home. I managed to get a few short things that I could do from home, but with no future in them.

The state provides him with a social help of 100Euros (gonna use Euros as a referrence) and I get 300 Euros for being his help. Through time the costs for everything became hard to maintain.

I have to pay rent 200Euros and with the rest I have to pay for utilities and basically survive, now I’m not complaining, I’m just stating a fact that is putting a pressure that causes me to go insane from time to time. What am I doing, how am I going to see myself in the future, am I tied to a life like this? Where everytime I have to worry if I can get food, if I can afford the meds that he needs. 

I started borrowing money so I can take him to specialists, different treatments, different hospitals, just piles and piles of money over money. Loans that I managed to partially pay back, with the people that understood my situation and did not put pressure given the situation.

I can’t have a social life, because I have my brother as my priority, I care for him a lot, I’m not going to get distracted by anything else, but to what end?

I have trust issues, I have worries everyday when I wake up, countless questions

will he be able to survive for much longer in this state? 

What can I do to be sure he is ok?

What can I do to afford every treatment that he needs, all the meds etc?

Will I be able to afford rent this month?

Will I have what to feed him?

And many other questions

I see myself chained to a life where I can’t fix him, I can’t help but ease the burden that he has, be there for him.

I’ve had moments where I actually thought if I would die and escape all of this would be the answer.