i was diagnosed with bpd in december 2021. as i’ve had time to reflect on my symptoms and behaviors, i’ve realized that i’ve had bpd symptoms for as long as i could remember. both sides of my family have a long history of mental illness, and lucky me, i seem to be riddled with it. i already had my first FP at 7 years old, and i had very unstable emotions + poor impulse control for even longer. i feel like i shouldn’t exist. i feel like someone this fucked up and miserable shouldn’t be allowed to live. despite living with my mom and my girlfriend (the 2 people who care about me the most) i am always miserable. i’d say i have about 3 minutes of happiness per day and usually it’s when i’m smoking my first bowl of the day. i’m stuck in a job i hate, and i have no passion or motivation to go to college and have a career. when i’m not working, i’m playing the sims (so i can dissociate and pretend i’m someone else) and smoke weed. aside from my girlfriend and my mom i have no friends. my best friend of 8 years who also has bpd doesn’t speak to me anymore even when i reach out. my dad and his whole side of the family don’t talk to me, in fact my mom is really the only family member who does talk to me, and it’s probably only because i live with her. i feel like i’m miserable all the time and people always tell me to live for the good moments, but i find myself wondering if it’s really worth it to live for the good moments when they’re so few and far between, and the rest of the time i’m miserable. i’ve tried therapy, anti depressants, the psych ward, and even micro dosing shrooms. nothing works. i feel like i’m a waste of a perfectly fine and healthy body. i feel like my girlfriend deserves way better, and my mom deserves a better son too. does anyone have any advice? i feel like i’ve reached my limit