I'm not even sure what to say here. Im just venting I guess. I'm the quiet type of bpd and I don't like to talk about feelings and hardly ever open up to anyone. I need to get this off my chest before I let this consume me. These last few months have been hell to say the least. I have no friends left here in town. I've given up hope of finding another fp after my first/only fp was sent to Cali to enter rehab. I knew she had an alcohol problem, but later found out she was in for heroin which I had no idea. This fucking devastated me. It's been 5 years since she left and for 5 years I avoid any form of intimacy or relationships. I can't move on. I'm stuck. She was the world to me. I haven't contacted her until this week when I texted saying how much I fucking miss her. No response. So what do I do? I down a shit ton of adderall and Xanax throughout the week. Well, I've been on a very high dose of these drugs for many years(I know it's high because I use to work in a pharmacy), but after my binder this week I'm surprised I didn't od. I'm losing touch with reality. I recently hung out and smoked with a guy I met at the gym. I thought I had made a new friend only to find out he was bi and wanted me fuck him. I politely declined and said I don't care if you're gay/bi but that I wasn't interested (hoping to keep the friendship alive). He stopped responding after that. My therapist dropped me after I cancelled the last 2 weeks due to pressures at work. The dbt workbook hasn't helped either. I have no support system, no fp, no friends, family, I have nothing. I am nothing. I wish I had died in the motorcycle accident I was in 2 years ago. I want to get another bike in the hopes that the next wreck will end all this constant shitty feeling I live with day in and day out. Everything I tried doesn't work. Psychiatrists, check. Medication, check. Supplements, check. Therapist, check. Gym everyday, check. Eating healthy, check. Meditation, check. Dbt books, check. There's nothing else I can do. I've done it all. I've suffered so much physical and emotional trauma throughout my entire life I feel like nothing can fix me. I'm permanently fucked in the head with no chance of happiness.