I need answers no one has.

I’m going to try and make this short for the sake of my mind bc I will type forever. 

I started as the one w BPD and at the forefront of my relationship, I did not know of his NPD and various other selfish issues. 

Slowly all the destructive things I read that should be, and stereotypical are, my actions towards him, are the things he is really doing to me. Every fucked thing I read from pages about being with someone that has bpd, it hurts MY soul bc that’s not me, it truly is him. 

I’ve looked inward. I have been beyond faithful to this man. I have been beyond respectful towards our relationship. I never once came close to the fucked off things he thought were okay to make me endure and go through, alone. At this point I’m fucking scared. He has thrown his hands up and looked at me broken and crying because of his actions, and still told me to get the fuck out if I can’t shut up. I have had the razor breaking the skin and he’s said nothing more than don’t ruin my night and make a mess. 

I have my fucking issues. Don’t get me wrong. But they’re purely love oriented. I want some kind of reciprocation and respect from this man. I know I cannot expect it. But he once was the man I dreamed of. Slowly but surely he didn’t hesitate to do me dirty every chance he got. I started losing my respect for him and tried leaving. I got sucked back in with manipulative words and meaningless love actions. I have done nothing wrong than believe the man who said he loved me and said he would never let me fall. Bc boy when I fell, did I hit the fucking bottom alone. I gave him all of myself and I got none of him back. 

Bottom line it’s never been about his actions, but how I’ve reacted to them. I have never got the apology. Never got the change he promised. Fuck I never even got the “faithful and ‘real’” mf I was promised by yours truly in the beginning. It’s not fair. It’s fucked up. I trusted him. 

I’m stuck with an identity crisis. I know what’s wrong with me; but why is he the one who displays all of these qualities towards me? Even when I’m good and trying my best to be happy and smile for him, I get discouraged by the one who demands that same behavior.. I know he projects things onto me. I know he is not okay. He is master gaslighter and very vindictive. I hate it. I hate him. Idk what I’m saying anymore.