My family has a long history of mental illness such as depression, suicide, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I haven't yet been diagnosed, but I've lived with anxiety all of my life from an abusive parent with mental illness. I'm usually okay now, I am 20, living with my partner, but once I start to panic I completely lose control of myself. It's starting to get worse and worse. It used to be a daily thing, but less intense. Now it happens every couple weeks, extremely intense and harmful. I'm becoming scared of what I could do. Yesterday I had the worst panic attack of my life. I was fighting with my partner in a moving car, and started to panic because he wouldn't listen or talk. I began to scream at him and cry as I was panicking, and told him to pull over. He told me no at first but I began to panic and scream more until he did. I felt like I was losing myself, not really controlling what I was doing. I felt like everything was over. This is where I began to become self destructive, self-hating, self-harming and suicidal. I jumped out of the moving car, screaming and crying, and ran. This was in public and I think I scared some people. I scared my partner and I hate myself for it. I regret it so much, I don't want to act this way, it's horrible and abusive. I later apologized. I remember my heart beating extremely fast, I thought I would have a stroke or something. I was screaming and crying, I felt like I was in a dream, like what was happening wasn't even real. I was trying to calm myself down, I felt like if I didn't sit down somewhere quiet, alone, and catch my breath I would die. I felt so much self hatred and confusion, I felt hopeless. I couldn't feel pain, I had cut up my legs while running into bushes. I harmed myself out of complete impulse, grinding my hand on a sharp rock repeatedly. I didn't feel the pain, but after I calmed down I was a bloody mess. I'm scared, because these uncontrollable, impulsive and self-destructive feelings get more and more intense every time they crawl up on me. My panic becomes extremely impulsive, it's like I lose my senses and myself. I am extremely remorseful for my actions, looking back I feel as though it wasn't even me. Like I was extremely drunk to the point of blacking out or something. I have no money, I can't pay for therapy or medication, I don't even know where to start anyway. I'm so embarrassed that I act this way, I don't want to tell my family, only my partner knows. I've tried to fix it myself my whole life, but lately I'm feeling like an entirely different person.