Around an hour ago my dad yelled at me for eating from some ice cream in the fridge. It might sound minor but he glared at me with such hatred in his eyes. I was shaking and ran out of the house. As I was walking outside I realized that I’m terrified of this man. I love him and he loves me but he is so TOXIC. My mother has acknowledged how toxic he is and my siblings also suffer from his constant anger. He has no empathy whatsoever and the three of us are mentally ill.

I never properly acknowledged the extent to which my father’s neglect and toxic anger contributed to my BPD. I do not think he is a bad man but it is impossible to live with someone who constantly puts you down and yells at you amongst other things. He never touched me but when I was 13 I remember I spoke back to him for the first time when he yelled at me and then he ran after me and I had to run upstairs into the bathroom and lock myself inside. No child should ever be that scared of their parent. My mother is a wonderful woman but sadly quite weak. She has never stood up to him and will never be able to.

It’s strange how we make excuses for people we love and forgive and forget. I know now I cannot heal in a house with this man who has essentially contributed to most of my suffering growing up and even now. If I stay I’ll continue my toxic cycle of devaluing myself (often compounded by his behavior towards me) and then placing myself in dangerous situations with bad men. Time to get the fuck out of here.