I was very paranoid and distrusting like 1 or 2 months back so while my boyfriend was sleeping, I went through his phone (i know). 

He's in a whatsapp group chat with his guy friend group and one of them sent a picture of a girl in a one piece bathing suit that went all up in her butt crack so you know, her ass was showing and she was leaning over some sort of fence. Just really showing her ass off. It was kind of like a body instagram model-like photo. His friend wrote something like 'daaaaamn @ *my boyfriends name*'. Other friends quickly responded with things that felt disgusting to me, like 'you can slide right in it' and '*my boyfriends name* should know'. It was clear that he slept with this girl. My boyfriend responded with something like 'yeah that's a nice ass. But unfortunately it wasn't like that back then'. His friends laughed and continued discussing that she probably photoshopped the picture. 

I was LOSING IT. I didn't even think he cheated on me or whatever but just the thought of him having slept with another girl before me, especially a girl that looks like the freaking typical instagram social media kind of girl (didn't see her face and I don't want to for my own protection, but I felt so incredibly threatened and insecure). A girl that his friends think is attractive and that he probably thinks is sexy. 

They also mentioned her first and last name, I don't want to know the name of girls that my boyfriend slept with. I don't want to know anything because it will mess with me. I of course know that he slept with other women before me but I always convinced myself that they were just average girls, that I was somehow better and more attractive to him. I can't compete with this girl. I feel so inferior. My boyfriend is very attractive and I know these kind of girls are attracted to him all the time and they trigger the shit out of me. I just convinced myself that he isn't into that type. 

So I woke him up, screamed at him, the situation really escalated. I didn't handle it well at all. This might sound stupid but I also felt so disrespected by not only him, but by his friends. Like they also were a threat to our relationship. I was furious at all of them for doing this to me. 

The problem is that I still feel this way and I don't want to. I don't think about it 24/7 anymore but it did make me more insecure about myself and other women, and when I do think about it (like now) I want to tell him I'm so angry and sad and to fuck off and then block and delete his number. While things are pretty good between us right now. 

It sucks that nothing can make it better, because it happened. I can't change that. Makes me think I should just break up with him because I'm completely unable to handle stuff like this. People, including my therapist, told me that men are just like this, discussing this kind of stuff, etcetera. It doesn't make me feel better, maybe I should break it off and never love a guy again. Sigh. 

He's in a gaming group chat right now with men who continuously sent pictures of girls like that, and also pictures of big butts that they see. He says he doesn't even respond to it (all the other guys discuss pretty vulgarly how hot the girl is and what they want to do to her) but I still freaked out. I screamed and cried and told him to leave the group, which he refused to do. Which I understand and I hated myself for trying to control him but it felt like I had no choice. I don't want this pain and I can't seem to accept that this apparently is 'what guys just do'. I hate men for it. 

Sorry for the rant, I hope some of you can relate. Everyone I speak to seems so rational and relaxed about it. 