First off, I do not have BPD, but I have my fair share of traits, and I think that earlier in my life I would have met criteria. I also have ADHD and Bipolar II, which both come with affective instability, so there's that! 

The core feature of BPD that I was always missing - or thought I was missing - was fear of abandonment. However, I  always recognized that I have a significant fear of rejection. As I think more deeply about it, I now wonder if it's actually a context-specific fear of abandonment. 

While I don't worry about my parents or partners leaving or not loving me, I worry a lot about how coworkers and acquaintances perceive me, and I have spent too many years over the course of my life tormented by intrusive thoughts about people thinking I'm dumb, crazy, insensitive, inappropriate, or otherwise unacceptable. My working theory is that this fear developed due to constantly getting in trouble and embarrassing myself at school as a kid due to having undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, so I developed hypervigilance about my behavior and how others were perceiving me as a protective mechanism. My relationships with my parents and best friends were always stable growing up, so I always knew that even if I fucked up my relationships with literally everyone else, they would always be there for me. I am of course incredibly grateful for this. But I think it also led to a belief that the only people who would be there for me were the people who "had to be". 

My fear of rejection has led to perfectionism, compulsive apologizing for things I've done "wrong" (I usually haven't done anything wrong, and people are usually weirded out by me thinking I have), compulsive people pleasing, intrusive suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, crippling levels of shame and self-hatred, and explosive meltdowns when I feel like I've failed or acted unacceptable in some way. During the meltdowns, the rage is always directed inward. 

I also have a thing where I obssess about how I don't deserve my friends, parents, partners, etc. I don't think they're going to leave me, but I just feel constantly unworthy of their love? As if I'm so fundamentally flawed as a human being that I don't deserve respect, care, etc. Because of this, I tend to pull away when I'm feeling overwhelmed or in need of support in some way due to fear of being a burden on them. Again, I don't feel like thye're going to leave me, just that I would... be a bad/gross/pathetic person for leaning on them? Like that I must be so selfish and unstable if I call on someone I love in a time of distress lol.  

TL;DR: I used to think I didn't have a fear of abandonment and just had a fear of rejection, but now I'm wondering if I actually do have a fear of abandonment. 

Questions:

1. Do others on this sub experience a fear of rejection? If so, how is it different from your fear of abandonment?
2. How do you cope with your fear of rejection?
3. Based on what I've shared, does it sound like I may fit the bill for "quiet bpd"?