
I’m 23 years old, graduated college last year and live away from my family, recently moved to a new city and have a new job that pays well. While my professional life has been okay, my personal life seems to be falling apart. My family lives in a different country- I moved away at 18 for college because the thought of staying with them any further made me want to die. My childhood wasn’t great and I really don’t know how to let go of those demons. Currently, I’m on speaking terms with my parents and I’m paying them back for college but I haven’t seen them in 3 years.

Outside of family, all my friends here were people I met in college. We all moved to different places after graduating and even though we talked about how we’ll fly to see each other, the reality is that it’s really hard to do that when you have a regular, 9-5 job with limited time off. I’m also introverted and it seems to be getting worse so it’s already hard to make friends but I don’t even know where to begin. My coworkers are all at least 20 years older than me, I live in a smaller town and don’t know anyone here, and I don’t know how to meet new people.

I’m finding myself using weed everyday to cope with the loneliness. I don’t know if this would be considered as addiction, but I hate sober thoughts. I’m embarrassed to admit but when I run out of weed/alcohol, I take benadryl so I can sleep through the day so I don’t have to think. I also sleep 8+ hours every night and still feel sleepy in the morning. Sleep feels like an escape as well.

This month has been especially hard. I started my new job with a lot of expectations. While the money is good, I work in a male-dominated industry and interact with men who hit on me, even though I’m clearly so much younger than them. There’s also casual sexism- being told to smile (am I supposed to concentrate on work or just sit there and smile?), older female coworkers making indirect remarks on my clothes/appearance, etc.. I can’t leave my job (visa-related reasons and I have no savings), can’t deal with moving again, and definitely can’t (and won’t) go back to my parents.

I have spent so much money on therapy in the last few years but cannot seem to find the right person. I also find myself lying to therapists because I can’t bring myself to talk about deep emotions with strangers and I’m also scared that I will be sent to a psychiatric unit.

I feel so frustrated because I did everything right and worked so hard to get out of where I was. I would dream of being independent and living life on my own terms but everything seems off now when I’m living that life. My parents had an awful, abusive relationship and the trauma is so deep that I cannot bring myself to date anyone. The few past relationships that I did have also resulted in me being cheated on, used, lied to and I think I will be alone for the rest of my life. I feel like I have no home and no person to go to. I don’t think I’m suicidal anymore- I just think I’m a very damaged person and probably will never feel normal. All my friends from back home tell me I’m living the life they would dream of- that I’m independent, living abroad, seemingly enjoying my 20s- but clearly that’s so far from the truth. Not sure what else to say. I’m generally an optimistic person but lately it’s been so hard and I’m finding myself in a downward spiral.