I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 18. But the next 6 years, psychiatrists occasionally try to diagnose me with antisocial personality disorder instead. I think this is a scam.

I think it is because I have almost no emotions. I'm not depressed, mostly I'm very happy. But the only emotion besides that I feel is rage. Strong, black-out quality rage. 

Embarrassingly, I do not know what empathy feels like. I have had a few trusted people try to describe it to me, but they are vague and using terms I don't understand. I never noticed this before. But after I started going to therapy and just in life when people would ask me how something makes me feel I am so caught off guard. 

If I expected it, like a friend tells me they lost a parent, I know that I am supposed to act sad. Or they told me a partner cheated on them, I know I am supposed to act angry and like I now dislike that person. 

But I feel nothing. I just don't care. 

Recently I have been fighting with my boyfriend a lot. Very intense fights. And I slipped up the other day, and he was sobbing and said something very sad apparently. I stared straight faced and he started yelling "I KNEW IT YOU FUCKING SOCIOPATH. Did you forget to pretend you were upset?" 


And I did. I really did forget. I was thinking about something completely unrelated and waiting for his emotions to calm down. There were 4 other friends of ours with us. And they all took his side! I realized that the crowd was turning against me, so I had to make myself cry. It took me about 15 minutes but I finally did and they ALL started shouting that "she's doing this on purpose" "it took her hours to realize she should cry" "you're a psychopath." 


Which is upsetting to me, because I feel like I'm becoming less adept at faking displays of emotion with the right timing. 


But I thought we were all like this. When I feel rage I feel it very strongly. It's just rare because...well...I don't think I give enough of a shit about most people to feel rage very often. 

I was diagnosed with BPD because of my episodes of rage, impulsivity, and chronic, guiltless, manipulative behavior. But I have always been devoid of fear of abandonment. I don't think that I am a sociopath because I remember feeling sadness for others as a very small child. And I do feel things. Mostly for myself, but still. 


Are any of you like me? And for the ones who aren't, can you please explain to me what it feels like for you in these situations? Do you actually become sad because something bad happens to somebody else? I am a wonderful actress but I always just feel like "huh. glad it ain't me" or I feel very happy that something bad has happened to them, even if I care for them as a person. I don't know why. It just brings me joy. 