I have a small business that has grown a lot this year. So much so, that I am able to move out of my childhood home into a beautiful space that I’m absolutely in love with. I feel like things are finally happening for me and I want to be happy about it, but I’ve been hit with the crippling depression. 

I’ve had issues with depression all my life just about. Every few months, I would need about 3-9 days of dark isolation. I always thought it was just something that would happen because I was unhappy with where I was in life. I have a very toxic relationship with my family, and still live at home at the ripe age of 29. 

I also don’t have strong relationships. I don’t have any real friends and I’m constantly doing that INFJ door-slam thing. I don’t let people get too close, yet I want close friends and relationships. 

I’ve been trying to move out for the last year and it’s finally happening. I thought this would be the happiest time of my life but I literally cannot bring myself to rise out of bed and start packing. I’m worried I’m going to self-sabotage and end up missing my move-in date because I’m procrastinating. 

I think I’m scared, but I’ve literally been praying for this moment my whole life. And within in this deep deep deep depression, all of the bad moments I experienced in life are surfacing. The friends I couldn’t keep, the guys that SA’d me, the fights with my mom and sister, the people pleasing, just everything. It hurts. Like I can physically feel this pain in my abdomen. 

How do I get out of this black hole so that I can get up, pack, and move out of this place?