Okay so growing up i’ve always been a pretty emotional child. I was sent for CBT for a few years at the end of my teenager years and was always pretty closed with my therapist but she always had suspicious that it was more than anxiety but whenever she pressed i’d usually get really defensive and didn’t want to talk about anything other than setting out goals and techniques to use for anxiety.

This whole time i’ve been trying to live my life as if i’m totally fine just pretending i’m having emotional episodes and recently my friends parent who is a social worker expressed their thoughts and to be clear we are quite close and i see it as nothing but them trying to help. they asked me to read up about it and see my doctor but i’m so scared of looking dumb and i’m lowkey trying to convince myself it’s just extreme anxiety.

so before corona ruined our social lives i was always busy and constantly with different people so i would say I was coping with it well, but i’d still have episodes of crying and mood swings (as i would say any normal teenager does i guess) but there’s been a few things that have been picked up on during this time by people around me:

1. i’m always at war with either my mum and my boyfriend. now i think i should be clear that before this me and my boyfriend had a perfect healthy relationship but we are LD so only saw eachother on weekends so i always looked forward to seeing him. there have been many arguments and many times i’ve tried to break up on the spot over stupid things like liking pictures, things other people have done that isn’t his fault, just because i felt like any little thing was the end be of all and there was no coming back from it or i was being ‘too much’ and it would be easier. a LOT of stupid things over being insecure that i won’t go into detail with but u get the gist - obsessively checking locations and socials, drinking before they go out to cope etc.

now when i’m home with my mum all i want is to be back with him and i hate being home and i hate my mum to the point where i impulsively moved out on my own because i didn’t want to be at home that much. instantly regretting it lol 

2. I tend to self sabotage (words from my boyfriend) so like nothing ever ALL goes right there is always something wrong and if there isn’t i’ll literally cause an argument or ill fuck up things with uni etc. this is pretty much self explanatory.

3. i will literally cry over anything like i’m just so emotional. text isn’t answered? god they hate me and i’m crying mate

now i just want some opinions on this is this just intense anxiety and trust issues or is it worth listening to people and talking to someone even if it’s disregarded?? i’m so scared of looking dumb but also scared of knowing like I think i’d rather not and i’ve lived all my life like this so what’s the harm 

idk!!!