I’m 32 yo and have struggled with depression and anxiety and adhd since I was about 9 years old, probably younger.

I recently just had a baby, and I know about baby blues and Postpartum depression, and what I am going through right now isnt that. This is my usual mind that I can’t seem to get past . Everyday I cry because I am overwhelmed with worthlessness. I am overwhelmed with the feeling of being sad and alone. I feel like my mind is falling apart. I can’t think properly, my mind has become so much slower I swear my IQ dropped double digits. I can’t think straight due to a sleepy brain. I zone out all the time. I’m exhausted. 

My daughters mean the world to me. I can’t believe how blessed I am to have my 13 yo and my newborn. But some days are so hard. Some days I think about who would take care of my daughters. What would be best for them . Maybe once my oldest turns 18, maybe I should see how I feel then. I don’t want to leave my girls without mother or a father, they are the only reason I am alive.

This feeling is just so overwhelming. I feel like falling into a pit to be buried alive. I fantasize about ways I could die.

I feel like such a bother. I have nobody to talk to. If I talk with my boyfriend, he just shuts down and tells me he’ll call back later. It’s not fair for me to dump on him. Besides, who wants to listen to someone who just wants to whine. I don’t want to be this person, I just want to feel better. I’m trying to feel better. I stay busy all the time to keep my mind preoccupied. After having the baby, I wasn’t able to do anything but sit on the couch, and even with the baby to keep me busy, I still fell into this deep depression to where are cried so much I looked like I got punched in the face multiple times. There is so much going on in the world right now. I have so much to be grateful for and yet here I am feeling like this. I wanted more than anything to have my baby. I am obsessed with her, but this depression is kicking my butt. 

I can’t talk with a therapist because I am scared to death my baby will be taken away. My first born was taken away when she was born, one of the reasons was because I wasn’t taking my medication while I was pregnant and I had no plans to continue because I wanted to breastfeed. I eventually got her back, but I am terrified to seek help for it to be used against me in the end. 

I’m not going to kill myself. I have no plans nor intentions of doing so. It’s my mind that tells me it’s a good idea, but I won’t do it. 

I know all of this is so scattered. There is so much that goes into this but  nobody really wants to read through all of this, let alone all of that.

I guess I just needed to say it. For someone to hear it maybe. I’m not looking for pity. I just want someone to know, I guess it makes me feel less alone. And I guess here it’s less of a burden because someone might actually get it. 

Thanks if you read this chaotic mumbo jumbo