I have been married/with the same partner for 19 years and our sex drives have always been mismatched.  I married him during a brief window of 2 years we were having good sex; but early in the relationship, I realized he and I weren't compatible sexually.  I thought that I could overlook that.

19 years later, around 7 sexless, I finally asked my husband for an open relationship with a guy I've been friends with, and have had a crush on for years.

They were both OK with it.  The friend though is not local (he's about 6 hours from me), and at first we planned to meet up at a concert, but then he said he had the dates wrong and actually had a wedding this weekend.  He also doesn't call, and we don't talk on the phone.  We used to, but I've lied to him about some major things.  I came clean and apologized, and he was still seemingly into me and wanted to be close.  

However, then my BPD/dysregulation kicked in.  I'm married; I originally wanted a monogamous marriage.  I wanted sex with my husband.  I freaked myself out; then I told my potential lover that I only wanted to be friends because I wanted to be monogamous with him and wanted to divorce my husband instead.

He said ok to being friends, but now I've cut out flirting and talking with him closely, and he me, because he says he can't trust me.  

I'm so sad. I miss being close to him, and I miss him wanting to be close to me.

TLDR:  This disease sucks, and I can't make up my mind about anything.  I lie and hurt people I love.

I just came to cry with you guys.  It hurts.