Hi I hope your having a good day, I have never been diagnosed with depression. But I have struggled with a unending sense of sadness since the 3rd grade. I remember telling my elementary school counselor that I had and already practiced my self-deletion. See I was born with a congenital heart defect and required open heart surgery as a newborn leaving a large scar in the middle of my chest and I was fascinated with using a knife to “reopen” it. My mom was forced to take me to a child psychiatrist. But before all of 3 sessions my mother would coach me to just tell them I’m happy and would fear monger the possibility of medication (her being officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder). So throughout out middle and high school I was overweight,short,awkward and SAD and no support system. I hit a growth spurt at 17 and got my first girlfriend and lost my virginity to her when I 18. We spent 4 years together before she broke things off for a older guy who was a “Street Pharmacist”. It destroyed me,she was the sliver of joy in a world that I think should be Obliterated. It wasn’t that it was the perfect relationship but having another human so emotionally tied to me gave me feelings reminiscent of my late grandad. Now I’m 21 working a dead end job I have the intelligence to recognize I’m wasting my potential.my mother has chronic cirrhosis and continues to drink every day she has given up on life and makes sure I know it. She Is the rock that keeps me grounded and I really can’t even comprehend a life without her. But she’s not even the same woman that raised me. I recently met a foreign woman at work who doesn’t speak English. I am infatuated with her,we went out on a few dates but she just wants to be friends. It crushed me but I said ok,a few weeks later her birthday arrives I decide to look as best as possible and bring another girl(best friend)with me as a “date”to try and make her jealous . Without her asking I also got her a very thought out and expensive gift. But I’m sure her feelings haven’t changed. In the end I’ve reached a wall. At home I hate my life,at work I’m reminded of her constantly, In general I hate myself and everyone else but I don’t understand why? I just want to be happy but I don’t understand being happy with yourself because the only thing desire in life is my END. 
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.