In Alberta my feet never seem to get warm; now that we’re in Nova Scotia it seems like my feet are never going to be dry. There’s a lot of positives to the humidity - my dogs fur has never been softer. But sometimes I just find it easier to focus on the negatives.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar a lot of my previous episodes started to make sense to me. I’ve always been an excitable kind of person and when I have my episodes my natural tendency to be talkative and energetic seems to lead me towards the manic side of things. I became hypomanic in 2020 after having my second son. My worst fear is not being able to control my actions and words, and becoming psychotic again.

A month ago I got a job opportunity that would allow us to move to Nova Scotia and live near family. In the past me and my wife have really struggled with two young children and no family support. We were living in northern Alberta where three months out of the year you couldn’t even go outside because it was too cold. Neither of us were able to find a work life balance and as a result our quality of life (and mental health) was continuing to decline. 

This job opportunity was a step up careerwise for me and it was right in the same town as my in-laws (who are great with the kids). Everything has worked out so far, we’ve sold our house for very close to asking price, we’re staying with my in-laws until we can buy a house of our own which allows us to save a lot of money, and since I no longer have a work vehicle with this new job, I got to buy my dream car - a Honda Civic hatchback sport. 

From the outside looking in it seems that everything that I could want in life has been falling into my lap. But then enters the bipolar…

I’ve always had episodes during transitional periods in my life. And this one by far has been the most stressful, moving an entire family across the country and starting a new job in a completely different industry. As a result I’ve lost sleep and my bipolar has flared up similar to the levels of my hypomanic episode in 2020.

During this episode I’ve tried my hardest to stay calm and stay relaxed and avoid any type of manic behavior. This has made it hard for me to enjoy the simple things in life such as being a dad. 

My three year old he talks all the time and he just has this spark in his eyes. A spark that I want to nourish and turn into a flame. When I get like this I can’t control my mood and that energetic side of my son turns into something that annoys me. 

The bipolar makes it hard for me to be around him. It makes me scared. It makes me terrified that I’m going to get frustrated. That I’m going to yell at him or exhibit any type of behaviour that would discourage the spark inside of him. I find myself most comfortable when I distance myself from my son and it’s a huge problem for me.

This is why I feel most comfortable when I focus on the negative right now. I’m so terrified of becoming hypomanic that being on the depressive side of things seems to be a comfort zone. I know this isn’t a way I can sustain living but during this period of time it just seems to be the only solution available to me. I’m working with doctors, taking medication to balance myself out, I’m practising CBT therapy. I’m using everything in my toolbox to stay level. I’m exhausted. 

But if I’m lucky for a good part of the day I don’t feel manic. If I’m lucky for a good part of the day I can feel blissfully depressed.