I always feel insecure and unloved.  I have everything, but it’s never enough.

I wanted friends.  So I got friends, but I still wasn’t happy.  No amount of good experiences can get me out of my head.  I take more than I give, and I always feel awkward and disconnected even though I’m close with several people.

I wanted fancy degrees.  So I got those, but I’m still an undisciplined idiot who has no skills.  Just a few pieces of paper and the weight of Ivy League expectations.

I wanted sex and love.  I had my first kiss at 24, found a woman who loved me.  I loved her too, and it wasn’t enough.  I left her because  she slept with other men earlyish (4 months) into the relationship.  She said “we never discussed exclusivity”, and I tried o make it work for the next year, but I couldn’t get over it.  Now nobody else compares… it’s been over a year since we split and I still miss her sometimes.  I don’t trust her though, and I hate sex now bc of the trauma (among other reasons). Oh, and my dick isn’t shaped properly and doctors are useless… so there’s that too.

So I saw a therapist.  Wait, actually half a dozen over the years.  The only one that stuck for a while gave up on me.  She ran out of ideas.  I can’t say I blame her, even though it hurt.

So I needed money.  My parents always paid for everything I wanted… but it was never enough.  I grew up wealthy and can’t be happy with less. 

So I tried to be successful and focus on my career.  But I’m spoiled and I can’t help but hate every job because I feel like they don’t care about me.  I wish I had a mentor who valued me for more than I could provide in the short-term.

So I worked on myself.  I’ve been in great shape, dressed well…etc, but it doesn’t make me happy for long.  I can never sleep and the nightly battle drives me insane.  I saw a doctor for this and it isn’t working.


Now, my hair is falling out and I’m gaining weight.  I’m convinced that I’m broken.  I don’t want to die, but I don’t see how I can live when I’m never happy.  I’ve tried everything, and it’s never enough.  Now I don’t want anything.  I’m thinking of giving up.  I’ve already been an emotional burden on people for so long, and I don’t know what else to do.