So Iam 31, and for the past 6 years have been having regular bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. I write this just having gone through some more suicidal thoughts (Iam not strong enough to kill myself but would not mind if someone else took my life)

Ever since finishing my post grad. I have not succeeded at honestly anything of significance. My corporate job was a disaster wherein I was always on the edge. Many a times I thought of ending it all. 

It got to the point that I left my job. Joined academia and have successfully not achieved anything of note even here. Every missed deadline makes me anxious and goes to remind me of what a miserable loser Iam. 

Its not that I have not tried to make my life better. Its just that everytime I try, something random happens which ruins it. While it is random, I cant help but stop to think whether its destined to be always like this. 

While my parents and friends understand me and can sympathize with me. Even they cant seem to do anything. Iam a disappointment to everyone around me. 

I often wonder what is the point of any of this. Why exist ?