I don’t want to be like this anymore. I am so tired and frustrated, and I finally realised what I am like to others in my life: a possessive, annoying, un-pleasable monster.

I’m sorry for the times I threatened to hurt myself. I’m sorry for the times that I did. 

I’m sorry for the times I cried and cried and said you would be better off without me, I’m sorry that what that all really meant was LOVE ME. IM SCARED.

I’m sorry for being possessive. I’m sorry for being rude, mean, obnoxious, demanding, irritating and un-pleasable. I’m sorry for thinking it’s normal. 

The littlest things hurt me so, so deeply. It can feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and there was nothing I could do but react. I’m sorry for that. 

I know it’s not your problem. I know you don’t deserve that. I am sorry. Really sorry. 

I’m trying to be a better person. I feel so guilty for the pain I put the people in my life through. I am so, so sorry. I am trying my best. 

When I hold my breath, give a smile and say that everything is fine, even when I am dying inside from the same fears and pains and scars that rip deep into my soul, please know I am doing it for you. Because I want to be a better person. To everyone. 

I will not be a monster. I will dare to trust and love again. I can do it despite the pain.