So I saw some interviews where Joaquin Phoenix talks about the Joker character having ptsd, being in a highly reactive state in which he perceives and looks for threat everywhere,..

It just made me really sad because I've had this for years, coupled with depression, numbness, some dissociation.. I hate how the world always feel so hostile, even though I know there's reality to that I'm also aware I find it in mundane places  where it doesn't exist..

Also he mentioned some arrested development, which made me also feel sad because I know I'm not mature for my age, I don't feel my age at all..it's so depressing being aware of how immature you behave, all based on triggers, ect.

Anyway, just needed to express it, and could use some encouragement.. I honestly don't know if I can be healed of all this trauma, and the depressive filter, the paranoia and not knowing if it's real paranoia or real gut instinct, signals of actual insult, abuse.

Life has been a nightmare mostly, not sure why I even continue.