I get a tremendous amount of pride when I can go weeks without having a single episode. I know that my SO appreciates it and things just work between us. The moment a small trigger sends me off I feel like the “x days since the last accident” ticker goes back to 0 and I lose all my progress. I feel paranoid that I have to start back at this baseline and work my way back up to weeks on end before I can get trust back from my partner (even if this is all made up in my own head) - this just leads me to more chaotic back and forth in my mind fighting with the BPD and feeling like I need a time machine to undo the episode. Spirals....