I've been with my therapist for two years and I think if I stopped today I wouldn't have much to show for it. I didn't have clear goals starting and I still don't today. I just know that I could be living life a lot better. 

My therapist hasn't taught CBT or DBT tools, at least not explicitly. A lot of the work has been learning to trust him and open up, because for more than a year I didn't say much because I wasn't comfortable with him yet. Not answering 'I dont know' to a question is now an accomplishment. 

I've also been working on recognizing what feelings feel like in the body, and being able to label what emotion I'm feeling. 

But my day to day mood and behavior still sucks. I have terrible coping skills. I don't know how to just be sad without avoiding it, or how to express my anger healthily. I go through phases of taking better care of myself but keep slipping back to drinking, smoking weed, binging and overspending. I push people away and isolate because I find myself repulsive and don't want to burden others with my presence.

Yet I keep going back for sessions. And I think it is solely because I am so deeply attached to my therapist that the idea of stopping therapy and never seeing him again is unbearable.

I now feel trapped. I can't imagine stopping therapy with my therapist, but I'm also wondering if this is just a massive waste of literally $10k. And I am trying. I was always  the teachers pet/straight A's /go above and beyond student. So this is starting to feel like a massive failure.