I didn't know where to put this so im putting it here, maybe i can get some perspective from others but i dont know. Im having a really hard time. I feel isolated, and last month i experienced my first, real death. I've had people die around me before - and pets too. But this is the first time im really dealing with a close grief and theres other things too.

Last month one of my cats died, on my dads birthday no less. My cats are my everything and i know i sound like a crazy cat lady but they are. I live alone and my two were always there when i got home waiting by the door. They always woke me up, or were waiting by the bedroom door ready and excited to see me. They comfort me, they love me. I do everything for them. Most of my spending money is for them. They are and always will be my "children" so to speak. I love them so much. 
But last month my youngest died. Suddenly. One day he wasnt there to greet me with the other, and didn't come home. I just thought he was still out having fun, chasing some shit. But a few hours later i got the call that hed been handed in and i haven't felt right since. I cry every day. I miss him so much, he was a strange boy. Came from a farm, had to nurse him tirelessly otherwise he'd literally die. He was tiny and very sick. Did that, and now because someone hit him, i have a hole in my heart. im also in the middle of a divorxe right now, we're doing the usual bpd antics of sleeping together even after a year apart, fighting then making up. Dates but then fights. Its just a mess. I want someone new but i feel guilty. I need a new baby cat to fill the hole but i feel guilty. i feel like i can't fix anything because i have "loyalties". When i know i Dont. I could just break it off with my ex and just find someone new but i can't do that. I want to just get a new kitten in his honor and love it but i can't. I can't fix anything because fixing things for me means in my mind dishonouring and breaking loyalties. Im so tired. I just want everything to be okay again but its not. I know i have the power to fix it all but i can't will it.

Im not a one night stand person, i have incredibly fucked up issues with intimacy and in general relationships. I grew up around substance abuse and you can basically tick off any other kind of abuse bexause ive experienced it all. My post history says im 21 but im 19. 20 soon. And i hate being alive. Im usually good, im usually strong and capable but its seeping into my life in ways it didn't before. I know nobody would judge me for doing the things i want but im judging myself. Only a month later and im already thinking about a new baby. Im fucking awful. Nothing would ever replave him but i feel like people will think that of me. I just want it all to stop.