we’re both 18 and we’ve been speaking for 7 months and at one point i’d consider him my best friend and potential boyfriend but...

after 3 months of talking he decided to cut all ‘romance’ off and at this point i didn’t know the reason, it was either that i wasn’t his type, or that he has to focus on work and it kept changing between stories. i beat myself up over this over christmas time, i struggled to enjoy the time with my family because i felt disgusting, i lost a lot of confidence and couldn’t place whether i pushed things too hard or i’m just overall not an attractive person, in this time the guy im talking to was so blunt with me, i’d drag out conversations just to be called boring, aired or be given responses like ‘k’ or ‘bye’. 
so i moved on in january and started talking to a different guy who showed interest, we went on a date in london and the minute i posted a snapchat of the food on my story i instantly get messaged with ‘ur on a date with someone aren’t you’ ‘wow you moved on fast’ and ‘whos the unlucky guy’ i responded quickly but focused on my date, and when i got home the guy im talking to called me back saying he wanted me so bad that he only cut me off because he was suffering himself and that i am in fact gorgeous and that we will work things through, and go on dates and holidays etc. (bare in mind this was all said purely to get me back, he admitted it himself there was no validity behind it). i tore myself up again figuring out who i wanted this time and decided of course, to go back to the guy who just cut me off (clever ikik). i would only ever go to his house, when his parents weren’t in and only a couple of his friends and brother knew about me, but it didn’t matter to me because i was with him.

since quarantines began everything’s taken a turn for the worse, he’s been blunt and rude to me once more, he stated earlier today ‘he doesn’t even need someone romantically, he just needs his friends’.

i am so fucking tired of being a punching bag, i feel sick because i cut off a perfectly good guy for this bullshit all over (only myself to blame), i’m so sick of not getting anything but stress and sadness, i’m so sick of doubting how i fucking look because he ‘doesn’t even like curly hair, he just allows it on me’ and i’m so fucking god damn sick of putting my feelings on the line because his can change over night and suddenly i’m not wanted anymore. i want to scream and hit him so bad but i don’t want to do something stupid in the heat of the moment, i want to handle this the right way and play this out correctly.