Tw: brief mention of sex, vent/question.

Recently my partner and I broke up. At first I was angry, and believed that he needed to grow up. I thought while I had stuff to work on, I was doing okay.

I was wrong. I was so very wrong. I'm ashamed and angry with myself. I have been trying to heal from my trauma, and trying to work on my behaviors. I wasn't doing it in the right way. I was trying to fix everything at once. I was ignoring the things that needed the most fixing because I was ashamed of myself. 

I'm upset because I wish that I could have been more aware of myself. I wish that I had been better about holding myself accountable. I'm angry with myself, that it took a breakup for me to see these problems. 

I hurt my partner, I hurt my friends. I had so many expectations for these people and I got mad when they couldn't uphold them. I invalidated others to make myself feel better. I talked shit behind peoples back instead of just talking to them. I used sex as a coping mechanism. I lashed out at people. I stressed myself out with responsibilities that werent mine, didn't ask for help, and then got mad when no one helped me. I didn't talk to my partner about the things that were bothering me and got defensive with him. I lashed out and sometimes got aggressive with the cats when they made me angry. I didn't truly make space for my friend to talk about his problems. I criticized the people in my life about getting better and working on trauma, when I didn't do the same. I talked myself up and tried to absolve myself of fault in conflicts. I became the exact person I didn't want to be. And I'm sure there are more things that I did to hurt people that I don't even realize. 

I've always considered myself a private person. I have often said that I don't like to be told something twice (for example, someone telling me about a behavior that I'm actively working on). I believe this needs to change. I need to be more vulnerable with people. I need to be aware of these behaviors and unlearn them. I need to be open about my faults instead of just trying to fix it quietly so that I can be held accountable. Thats part of the reason I'm posting this here. It makes me afraid and uncomfortable, but I figure this is a good start to staring my faults in the face. 

I don't know how to deal with this realization other than "fix it." I am going to do an intensive dbt group very soon, and I'm going to get a new therapist soon. I want to change because I don't want to be ruled by my trauma anymore. I want to change because I want to keep the people I cherish in my life. Right now, I know that I have to change in order for them to stay. 

I want to apologize to my ex. I want him to know that I know I fucked up, and that I am going to change. I want him to feel like he doesn't have to give up on me as a person. I can't force him to, and I know that part of accountability is knowing that people don't have to forgive you. You can't make them.

If anyone has some words of advice please help. I feel somber, I feel like I can help myself, or at least I'm on the right path. Or I'm trying at least. It almost feels like thay DBT group will be my saving grace to an extent. I just don't know what else I can do to do better.