i consider myself a good person. i give a lot to people i love, i always try to help them in distress, i don’t do shitty things (mostly). but damn am i fucked up.
i lately counted all of my diseases. physical ones i mean. they’re not deadly but well not helping either. i’m only 21. i have about 5/6 diseases that are permanent. to add mental ones considering disorders as well it would equal about 10-12. 
i have depression, not severe anymore but it’s still there. ocd, intrusive thoughts ruling my life. ptsd of course, social anxiety, anxiety in general which causes panic attacks and well i don’t have bpd but i am auto destructive. i fucked up some relationships when i was a teenager, i think it’s pretty common in that age. when i started to grow up at 17 i had my first bf. i was in love for the first time i felt taken care of and took care of him as well. due to his own problems it ended after a year of struggle. we were both messed up by our own life, not a great match right both depressed, i developed dependency issues that lead to obsession after he wouldn’t meet me for 3 weeks (which happened couple of times) due to his own depression. i regret the things i’ve done in this relationship, i could justify myself but i won’t even try, i fucked him up as well with my own problems. so he left me surprise surprise. and i also have separation anxiety since i was a kid so, as i said, not a great match. you can imagine what i have done as a depressed disordered heartbroken 18 year old. i’ve recovered from this, i’m over this guy, i don’t want to be with him nor do i love him. but jesus am i struggling with obsessions. another sign of ocd is my constant daydreaming that fucked me up as well. i’m constantly daydreaming about situations from the past or people from the past and what might’ve been if i let’s say stood up to my bully right now. after i stop my daydream and go back to normal life i’m over it and just go on. but it comes back. it always fucking comes back. a dream at night can trigger it which leads to hours of obsession and daydreaming the next day. now it’s focused on my ex and i really do hate that, i want to leave this guy at peace and let him be i really do, i wish him happiness, i don’t text him i don’t reach for contact but i feel like i’m haunting him with the obsessed head of mine (which doesn’t make sense cause how would it even work but you know) 
the daydreaming started when i was a kid. and it’s probably normal for a kid to play pretend and daydream at some extent. i think it was unhealthy in my case since i was doing it a lot more than my friends and i would do it by myself in the garden for hours. once my brother was surprised by it, idek how old i was but he told me i’m too old for that, so i stared hiding it. and it’s been like this ever since, i mean i don’t play pretend anymore but i can dissociate out of boredom while idk cooking by pretending i’m some character from a tv series or some shit. well turns out it’s not normal. 
i lost my best friend recently cause i fucked up again, i was worried about her and i told our close friend about something she should’ve told by herself so yeah i fucked up by doing so. i obsessively worry about people sometimes, again happening since i was a kid, so it’s another shit related to my obsessions and other mental problems. 
i don’t blame them for leaving me tbh i’d leave me too. once i had a fight with my other friend (were ok now) and they said “i hope you get healthy before everyone else leaves you” and it haunts me now. 
on the one hand it’s the circle of life, people come and people go. on the other, why would they stay with someone so needy and so fucked up? why would anyone do that to themselves? 
i think i’m too damaged for anyone to love me and stay with me. i really do. i’m not even that attractive and my personality just stinks.
i can’t afford therapy and i clearly need one, i was in therapy for 2 years but it ended cause there’s this insurance limit and i used mine so.
i don’t know if anyone is going to read this, i just need to share and confess my obsessions.
if you did read it - thank you from all my heart.