I've recently been diagnosed with BPD and besides having had a very turbulent childhood etc. I've had some major issues with figuring out my sexuality.

For a long time I identified as bisexual (15 onwards more or less) until after a series of relationships with women (I'm male) didn't work out (some were abusive, others weren't) I started to doubt my attraction to them at all. Things like feeling bored or a bit empty kissing them, often uncomfortable and emotionally forced (myself, not them), not being aroused by their bodies alone and only by my feelings of them as a person and even then it was a struggle whilst finding men readily attractive for both their figures and their personalities. 

I have come to consider myself more or less gay, though this gets more and less hardline for me at times. I've dated but never found a click (furthering doubt to the point of questions of asexuality - but knowing I have a high sex drive which seems to contradict what I understand of asexuality) until recently. 

At first I really liked him, super drawn to him and I didn't feel like I was creating a false sense of perfection around him, I just felt calm around him and good in a way that's very foreign to me. Kindness and connection despite big differences in tastes and experiences. The feelings of discomfort I'd come to associate with intimacy with women haven't come up with him. But instead this whole other nightmare of feeling has come up instead and I'm struggling to determine if it's strictly BPD, if it's my sexuality or both. 

I feel panicky and frightened and he asked if we could make official, and I keep running between feelings of happiness and contentment to feeling sick and wrong. I didn't grow up in a homophobic family environment, but I grew up with a narcissistic dad and a mum who raged but at least appeared somewhat invested in me (I sense she has BPD too but no way to know as she will never get a diagnosis). I sometimes feel like I went to women to feel safe being close to someone who in a way I couldn't be hurt too badly by, I loved my girlfriends but I was never in love with them.

This guy on the other hand is too early to love but I feel so much more around him and it feels like jumping out of a plane without a parachute - I've never been with a guy which also adds to the confusion. With my previous relationships, I always felt somewhat wrong with them, but with him I feel good, and right in the moment, but then I feel wrong in myself when I'm alone.

Finally other times I feel like I'm bisexual but leaning more towards guys but I can't ever see me falling in love with a woman.

I guess what I'm asking for is others who may have similar experience who might be able to help point out to me what's likely to be just BPD related and that which may just be me. 