Sometimes I wonder if I have anyone.

I know I do but maybe it doesn't always feel like it idk.

I guess I just wish I knew what it was like to have someone that's always there for you. Someone to encourage you and to rely on. Someone who will sit there, listen to you cry, tell you that you're gonna be okay, and to remember that the pain is only temporary.

I wonder what it's like to have someone wipe your tears away when you can't stop crying or to hug you so tight you're forced to take a breath, sit with you just because you need the company.

Sometimes I feel like being lonely is a sickness, Something that cripples my body, continuously aches inside me. I know it's there but no matter how hard I try nobody has answers and I am never any closer to finding out a cure. The worse it gets, the more desperate I become, giving into half assed back alley work which only ever seems to make it worse. 

The realization that nothing is working and that no matter what you do, it's not gonna go away.

Staring out at everyone else just existing, that one person with friends they've known since they were 6 yrs old, turned into now highschool sweethearts that feel like a cheesy movie no one would ever believe could actually come true.

Watching two people hold hands and skip through the store like idiots just because...

Or a group friends in the car all singing backstreet boys as loud as they can because it's cringe and abnoxious but life is too short so who tf cares. 

Sitting around and talking about serious shit most of you know nothing about but you all think you're somehow the only people on planet earth who are smarter than the rest of the world.

Inside joke after inside joke without any hesitation.

Trying to rap to random beats that just end in you all laughing until you cry because the raps are so shit.

Literally just chilling by a fire and eating s'mores with the stars in the sky, crickets the fill the silence and the cozy flame that makes you feel right at home in that shitty lawn chair you keep in the trunk just in case.

Sometimes I believe I'll find this one day... And then sometimes I don't, idk. 

I'm just tired of waking up everyday, knowing the day has so much potential only to be disappointed by how hard I try to make it different but it ends up feeling exactly the same.

I don't want to deal with the trauma, the triggers, the panic attacks, the emptiness I feel when I'm struggling and no one is ever around, wishing I had someone to call who would just listen and talk to me. Someone I could trust and know that they care and aren't just manipulating me for their own personal gain. Someone I know who wants me around regardless of the constant struggle, the tears, the pain, the paranoia, and impulsiveness or weird/odd things about me like wanting to build shit with Legos, playdough, K'nex, popsicle sticks... Spontaneously wanting to go to the trampoline park and then realizing I'm too scared to attempt any tricks. Or maybe just sitting out on the balcony wearing a fluffy sweater in the cold autumn weather because it makes me feel all cozy inside.


I hope everyday that it's not true... but maybe I really am the only one.. because if I wasn't, then why am I still alone.