Hey all. Hope you’re doing okay.

I guess I’m just looking for some comfort. If this is ramble-y, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to verbalize things and it might lack clarity. I don’t really talk to anyone about this stuff. If it’s ignored, that’s okay, too. Writing is a bit cathartic.

I often experience random bouts of what I’m guessing are depressive episodes and have for about 10+ years (I’m pushing 26): lethargy and lack of interest in almost everything except work-grad school-basic health — I’ve tried forcing myself to establish hobbies because I realize that’s normal, but I just lose interest; inability to maintain any real connections with people, even family, and I almost always cut people out of my life if I feel they’re getting too close/I start to question whether they value me despite desiring connection — I just cut my supposed best friend out tonight. 

I don’t really feel sad so much as apathetic, but at some points my mood will just absolutely crater and I’ll breakdown privately, usually accompanied by thoughts of wanting to die but not wanting to leave a mess behind. I did that tonight on a solo walk to clear my head. It didn’t work.

I’m pretty active (6-7 days a week at the gym), take my vitamins, have a solid diet, etc. all of which I know are generally recommended to help combat depression before considering alternatives.

I’m able to function relatively normally in terms of working, paying bills, etc., and I’ve been pretty successful career-wise so far. I just don’t feel anything, whether that’s “good enough” or like it even really matters, as much as I try to reassure myself I am or it is. I get the extrinsic praise from people but it doesn’t really register — I don’t *feel* it, it’s just words.

I’m not sure I’m even in the right spot. I’ve had old friends tell me I seem depressed, but I’ve never been diagnosed nor have I really brought it up to any doctor I’ve been to. 

If anyone can, I dunno, offer some words, I’d appreciate it. I don’t know what I’m doing. And if it’s the wrong place for any of this, again, I’m sorry. Thanks for reading anyway.