Honestly, I don't know why I am posting this, I don't know what it will change. I don't believe it will help the situation. Maybe catharsis or venting or hoping I find someone that has the magical secret to making things better. Maybe I want to believe somehow venting this will prevent another fight with her or something.  


So my (30m) partner (29f) has doctor diagnosed BPD (apparently quiet),  Complex PTSD, Depression, physical health issues relating to chronic pain and Anxiety. The BPD/cPTSD was diagnosed about 2 months(?) ago but the depression/pain/anxiety have been present much longer. We have been together 9 years and have a 7 year old daughter together.  


In 2017 I started playing a very "serious" online videogame, which involved being on voice communications, at my PC along with using discord. This game "required" me to play it virtually every day and when I wasn't playing, I was checking discord on my phone. It wasn't good, but I managed to accomplish my work, pay bills etc, but my partner said I wasn't around enough. I understood that but kept playing. In August 2019, after a particular nasty series of fights, she ended our relationship (2-3 months before 8 years). I was... devastated to say the least. She was planning on moving out within a couple weeks and I was trying to figure things out.   


I didn't like myself, I vowed to change for myself. I started hitting the gym, quit the game cold turkey, got into counseling for mental health AND got diagnosed with ADHD (at the time doctor had diagnosed Depression/Anxiety which was wrong). I started getting better, I felt better etc. I was still sad, but so be it. My SO however, did not move out. End of the month became end of next month, then  became "I don't know". Up until now, I have 100% paid for everything in the household. Because of her disabilities, she can not work and what little money she gets from the government, she spends on various things (not that it would have supported her).   


She effectively stopped cleaning, cooking or doing any "domestic" tasks, which I did not *expect* her to do, but if I am living with a room mate, a clear division of labor needs to exist. She got upset at me. Eventually we went to "couples counselling" if nothing else than to co-parent in a healthy way. I noticed some weird behavior from her. She would swing between affectionate, like we where back together and telling me we where broken up seemingly randomly. The fights had pretty much stopped, but it was still a weird energy. She was on my computer one night (didn't hear me come in the door) and I walked past and she immediately closed the browser. The layout of our house means when she is on the couch, I would occasionally get a glimpse of her texting people etc. She left her facebook open 1 time, my ADHD induce paranoia/anxiety got the best of me and I looked.  


Now, I know 100% I am a piece of shit for snooping. 100%. However, at this point, she is acting weird, lying to me about small things and is using *my computer and my cellphone.* Well I discovered she had been sending and receiving graphic sexual messages and pictures to about 5/6 people. Several in relationships and one of them was married. I saw red, choked backed a few bites of food and confronted her. If we where "room mates" then she was free to do what she wanted. But that would imply she is subletting and either paying and/or taking a fair division of labor, which she was not. I told her I was giving up the place and moving in 45 days or something and that I refused to be her doormat for some mysterious undisclosed amount of time. First she denied it, then she was angry about a privacy violation (100% understand that), lots of crying/apologizing and then vowing to "delete her facebook so it wouldn't happen again. She deleted all the messages, I only saw apparently a fraction of them. Following that I uncovered more and more, but for whatever reason, I decided to stay with her and work on stuff. She was very apologetic, but then that changed to "I am sorry I hurt you, but we where broken up so it isn't cheating" which I feel needs a few "technically's" thrown in.  


Things where really good for about 1-2 months. She had deleted her facebook and "cut ties" with those people, but she reactivated it because it was around her birthday. I tried to trust her with it. End of December 2019, I catch her texting (while I am filling a tire with air/pumping gas) caught the name and when getting in the car ask who she was texting. "Nobody" was the response. Well at this stage, I am coming off the miss-prescribed cocktail of meds my doctor gave me and the Paranoia hits an 11/10. A couple weeks go by, I forget about the interaction but the paranoia stays and I go to use a laptop and her email is signed in, front and center a series of emails from the person she was texting. They included pictures AND a lovely video of the adult nature. She has even *sent him* a picture. I try to be calmer, confront her and this time she denies it, I tell her I have the emails back and forth. She tells me that she 100% DID NOT send him a picture, I show her it and she claims it somehow happened by accident (no clue on that) and that she is disgusted because this guy is like 15 years old than her.   


So this time, she FULLY deletes facebook, various emails, other social media etc. She promises to cut ties and never do it again. I get we where "broken up" the first time, but I am still reeling from trust issues, start meds for ADHD and just try to manage. The Pandemic hits and I am home lots. I notice a new behavior. She sleeps from 8:30pm until whenever I go to sleep, sleeps part of the night then gets up around 5am or so. It isn't every day, but most nights. Around this time, she takes those BPD tests and starts to believe she has BPD and work towards a diagnosis (she got that 2 months ago). However our relationship continues to crumble around me. We fight occasionally but she isn't there emotionally, mentally of physically. She is asleep pretty much the moment our daughter goes to bed until she wakes up the next day. She created a new facebook (and didn't tell me) which I found out about roughly 5 months after, installed various texting apps and lies about who and how often she talks to people, installed instagram and snap chat. She has rotated emails and reddit accounts. She conceals information from me constantly. I am not going full Gestapo on her and watching her every move, but it isn't like she hides most of it. The Snapchat really bothers me. I only found that out because she feel asleep on the couch while using her phone and I moved her hand and turned off the screen for her and a notification was up, not a message. I asked and she said she NEVER uses it. We both read AITA and a few times when showing me it, a message comes in on snap chat or an instagram story or a text in these apps etc.  

&amp;#x200B;

I am trying my best to trust her. My previous counsellor/therapist talked about co-dependency and told me that it is a tough situation but if it causes me this much pain, I need to make a choice if staying with her is the right option. On the one hand, I do love her. I can leave any time I want, but on the other hand, I need to think about my daughter. Since her situation is hard physically/mentally/emotionally, I would not attack her and try to rip my daughter away from her mother, but I have a feeling the courts would place her with me.  


So anyways, I guess this is a rant or a frustrated post or whatever. I feel like I am slowly being drained. I need to be this beacon for my family, I need to support and help her with her mental and physical health, constantly re-assure her emotionally, while working 50-60 hours a week in a very stressful job. I come home and the house is a mess (yes I contribute to that) occasionally a meal is cooked (3-4 times a week) and I see her on her phone all night until the kid goes to sleep (7:30pm ish), then she is still on her phone doing god knows what until she falls asleep (8:30-9:30pm). I then go to sleep at 11 or 12, but before that I would clean up things, arrange the house, wake her up to come to bed. I am just exhausted. I try talking about this and she has no answers. How do you rebuild trust when the person lies to you constantly? How do you trust someone that lies to you as easy as they breath air? I know I am not perfect, far from it, but I am trying and after years of the lies (this goes way further back than 2017), emotionally supporting someone and just struggling in life, I am tired. It is rarely this big things, but dozens and dozens of little things that pile up and are breaking me... I wish I could do something to fix it, but I am trapped. If a conversation about separating comes up? She starts talking about how our daughter is the only reason for her to live and the risk of self harm. Then she says I hate her because of her BPD or mental health and how she is just "unlovable". It isn't that. It is I want to *feel* loved too. I want to feel like I have a partner there for me, right now? I have a volatile room mate that does the absolute bare minimum, I don't demand anything and gave up on a division of labor, that gets emotional/physical support from me and can leave any time.