I forgot I had Reddit as a tool to get feedback until now and I’ve been stuck with a question I can’t answer myself. 
So first off, I have the BPD/bipolar womb combo and am almost certain I’m manic and get irresponsibly stoned most of my day. A little under a year ago I had a whole horrific bpd break up horror show. I tried to kms what ever I failed on purpose and after I did that I realized that I really am not going to do anything and I can’t just live like this all the time so I started taking time to properly work through the thoughts instead of just shoving them away and it all evolved from there. Around this time I started smoking weed as well. Once I moved out of my ex’s I gained a hobby of just staring at my walls constantly doing work inside of myself with an open mind. I still spend time on stuff I enjoy but when a thought comes up I take the time of day to think through it. I started learning about psychology Meditation and philosophy (during a manic hyper focus) and I’ve taken it all in. I’ve worked through various traumas making peace with my past bringing back repressed memories I’ve become so much more aware of splitting and catching bpd thoughts out of the “real” ones. I’m friends with my ex now believe it or not and even though my bpd is still very much attached to him it just feels like a test of strength to me so I can endure less later on. Each time I’ve had a depressive episode I use it as a time to learn more about my thought patterns and same with mania. These thoughts have the manic glimmer but I’m not sure if I just can’t recognize hope. The other side to it is I spent a lot of time thinking instead of doing things that I should be spending my renewed life on but also I’m doing the work rn so I can enjoy life later since I’m like not cured just because I know a lot. If I say it’s mania then that stuff wouldn’t be true and I’m just lying to myself but if I can’t say it’s not because that’s what a manic person would say. I haven’t seen a therapist in a while because I suck at being authentic and that’s the same reason I kinda would rather just ask strangers on a throw away account than talk to her. Tell me I’m crazy lol it’d make more sense.