Ight here we go, I'm 21(m), been suffering with depression, anxiety and OCD for many years. I feel like I need to vent or express myself, I'm on a waiting list for therapy and it's already been over a year. I'm completely fucking hopeless, my mental heath is extremely bad every day, it's the same day every day, it's like living as a zombie. My whole family is depressed with other mental health issues, we are very low income, live in a run down house with black mold everywhere, both of my parents have also struggled with alcohol and drug addictions. When I found out about my mothers drug issues about 2 years ago it destroyed me, she is clean now, they both are, I just didn't expect it from her. My dad has had issues all his life, with a very traumatic childhood, he is basically an agoraphobic who lives in his bedroom. I'm painting a quite bad picture of them so far, but they have been so loving and supportive all my life, they have done so much for me and still support me in my current condition.

I haven't worked for almost two years, the pandemic really ruined my flow, I was juggling a job and going to college and as soon as i was stuck at home for that long it broke me and I can't get back.

I drink more than I should, its not everyday, but a few days a week and i will drink a lot, its wrong, I know exactly what my parents have gone through and obviously I'm not intending to go through ANY of the same experiences.

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of what would happen to my family if I gave up and killed myself, I love all of them so much, including my sisters family with their niece who always puts a smile on my face. That's why I could never do it, it feels like I'm in purgatory.

I want to fucking live but it is a constant battle, I want to be there for my family, I financially support them and help when I can but because of how depressed I am I rely so much on my mother to help, I mean i can barely get out of bed, or even make food. Suicidal thoughts are everyday.

There's just no fucking hope, every day is a battle for everyone, how the fuck do I change or make a difference?

(also about my house being in a horrible condition, it's actually my grandparents who own it, they're clearly breaking some laws but it's complicated when it's family)

Honestly there's a lot more I could go on about but I feel this gives enough of my thoughts at the moment.

Also I am on medication, sertraline and propanolol.