So way before BPD became my title in life, I was diagnosed as bipolar and took lithium and lamotrogine for many, many years.

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But I still felt pretty terrible, and I can only describe my 20s as a series of chaos and bad actions.

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But I found myself doing DBT toward my late 20s and chose to stay single for awhile and I noticed I felt better and so got off meds for a number of years.

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Fast-forward, I was pretty intentional about who I'd enter into a relationship with next that it would be someone that both excited me and treated me well, didn't play games or mess with my heart, etc.

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And so I found that, YAY, and we've been together for about 7 months. I noticed at the start I started to feel depressed but ignored it, then the viralapocalypse happened, and the depression just shot through the roof and a new feeling I hadn't really experienced before was TOTAL emptiness. Like suddenly I didn't care about my boyfriend or friends for that mater. Also didn't want to eat. Felt like existence made no sense (still feel that way tbh) and found myself in the hospital and back on cymbalta.

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On cymbalta, I've found the chaotic feelings have returned and my behavior is more like who I was in my 20s, and not someone I'd say I'm all that proud of. And so, I stopped taking the cymbalta and now find that on a given day, I feel intensely sad or anxious and the suicidal ideation is still pretty strong.

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I'm just wondering like, since BPD really largely comes from our experiences at young ages and are behavioral issues, can medication actually help?

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Like honestly, if someone could tell me they don't struggle with suicidal ideation and are in a functional relationship, I would feel so much hope, but as it stands, I feel like life is just going to always supremely suck for me and people like me.