Trigger warning: psychiatric hospital, suicidal ideation

Two years ago my depression was so bad that I had to go to a psychiatric hospital (my therapist sent me there immediately after I said something dumb). It was the second time I went there, but this time I stayed ten weeks. And even though I did meet one of the most amazing people I have ever known there, I’m somehow still not over it, and I feel pathetic. My friend that I met there has been to three different clinics in another country up until this point. It was her seventh time in that hospital where we met (my country is very small and we only have two psychiatric hospitals). She’s been through a lot of trauma (she never tells me what they are but they are definitely worse than just being in the hospital). This is why I feel so pathetic about being depressed because I just can’t let go of that time. I feel way too ashamed to admit it to her. But it’s the truth, I am so sensitive that I just can’t forget. I started making jigsaw puzzles there. I still do them, but everytime I smell them I feel so bad again. Everytime I hear a song I listened to in that hospital, I feel so bad again. Everytime I eat at 18:30 I feel so bad again, because dinner was at that time. I don’t know, I just felt so confined there, because we had no freedom, the door was locked, I don’t know ... I just feel like I won’t be able to enjoy life to the fullest again because I just always get reminded of how bad I felt there and how suicidal I was ... it’s gotten to the point that I just want to go back there, just so the memories won’t hurt anymore. Somehow I convinced myself that if I make those memories my reality again, it won’t hurt anymore. I don’t know, I just feel so pathetic for suffering because of something so stupid, especially because of my friend. And I can’t tell anyone about it, but I just felt the need to get those words out there.