This girl that I had been talking to for a while has now started putting distance between us. Ive been flirting with her for 6 months, tried to go out with her multiple times and have always been told, not now but later. I will stop talking to her and then she will still come to me and flirt. Physical stuff, not just talk. I tried to kiss her at one point but once again I got the "not yet". I asked if she had a boyfriend or someone she was interested in... "no". I asked if she liked me, "yes, I like you but I'm not ready for this". 

I'll be honest, I struggle to talk to her because of my depression. She's so quick witted and smart, I'm slower but I know a little bit about everything there is so I can talk about anything. She gets angry that I don't have much of a sense of humor because my depression makes it so I can't laugh much, but I've told her and over and over I think she's the funniest girl I've ever met. I've complimented her a lot more than that and it's always came off as natural and sincere. But she just won't open up to me. 

I ignore her for a week sometimes because I get tired of being lead on and then she comes back and confesses about something she has done (usually some relatively innocent thing), and then it's back to flirting. 

Last week I was kind of opening up to her and she told me she thinks I should see a therapist. That I'm depressed and I come off as negative and it makes her depressed to listen to me. She thinks that I am becoming reclusive and self destructive. 

I couldn't speak in response for about a minute. I just stuttered and then bit my tongue and eventually let out an awkward "yeah, im working on that". A few more things were said and I tried to come off as not being fucked up inside.

I told her I was going home and it was good to see her and she told me to "try and have fun". 

I went home and cried so hard. To have been seen through like that was devastating. It's like I'm so close to this girl, dangerously close and intertwined but there's no relationship. She understands me but she won't do anything to console me. Sometimes she jokingly even bullies me about things like this. I don't know how to be funny with her because I don't know how to be funny with anyone. For the last year or two I've stopped enjoying comedy. For example I used to love standup, now I hate it, I don't ever laugh. I want to, but I just see implications and manipulation behind everything said.

Anyways, I just want to be happy and likeable so badly. I have no trouble attracting girls, I know how to make them interested and I maintain my appearance and hygiene. I know how to flirt physically, it comes naturally to me and I feel good doing it. But I cannot prevent myself from eventually being seen as a damaged person. The things I say don't hold up to analysis, and this girl in particular has figured out that I am a depressed person that doesn't have much to live for. 

I have hobbies and routines but I struggle to stay with them. She's noticed that I'm giving my all and barely staying afloat and then I do something slightly stupid and it throws me off for a few weeks. 

I really do have no confidence. I want to badly but I have no competence to deserve it. I just stay humble around others and try to help people so I can feel good about myself. All of my personal projects don't interest me enough for me to put my time into them. I try and try but it always ends up in me getting frustrated and quitting. 

I just realized this girl is out of my league and it fucking hurts. I've never had a girlfriend and I just wanted this to work out. She was so into me and I did everything I could, and now she just looks at me like I'm a dumb dog that needs to be put down.