by newest i still mean 1.5+ years so it’s not like it’s that new, but still, new enough that he’s never seen me through a suicide attempt or total break down. which is something i’m always aware of. 

i think when he asked if he was my FP he did not know some of the negative connotations of the term. if he had just said “am i one of your best friends?” or something i would have said “yes of course.” but when he asked if he was my FP what i heard was “am i the temporary object of your attention?” and it brought up a lot of shame and fear that i’ve been making him feel uncomfortable (he says i haven’t).

i think it was kind of wrong for him to have asked, but then it also feels wrong for me to have treated him in a way that made him ask in the first place. really i don’t think anyone needs to be “wrong,” but i just can’t believe how fucked up it made me feel. 

he apologized and said he won’t use the term again. i guess things are resolved. but i still feel weird about it. 

i’m not sure how many people will understand why i felt/feel so bad, and i know the use of the term FP is hotly debated on this forum, but i come down on the side of “it describes an unhealthy relationship dynamic” which confused me as i thought my friendship was pretty healthy. 

i don’t know. thank you for reading though