Sup, this is gonna be a long one so just a fair warning. I have some questions about mental health and I want some answers about what im going through. 

11 years ago i was 9 years old and in the second grade.  I was the youngest out of 4 kids to my two parents. We lived in a small town and a close knit community where everyone knew everyone. I had an awesome best friend at that age, and I could walk to anywhere i wanted to without having to worry. 

Well 11 years ago my parents made a decision to move. We moved an hour away from my hometown and 30 minutes from the closest town. We were still in the same county, if you cant tell already I grew up in a rural community. It was pretty isolated to say the least. It was a huge culture shock too, i went from this community with different people and beliefs and ways of life to a close minded, conservative, racist community. It took a toll on me. For 11 years i was isolated. 

I have a lot to say about this, i didnt mind at first when we lived there. It was fun, i had a ton of land to run and play on. But then i started to go down a downward spiral mentally. Around age 12 my parents thought i was old enough to stay by myself while they were at work. So this is how my life went all the way from age 12 to age until i moved out recently. My parents would leave, i would play video games all day in the summers. I would ask to go see my friends in town but i would always get the same answer, "No, we are tired from work, we arent driving to town again." And it went on like this until i got my license. So i was isolated, trapped, i couldnt come out about these issues to my parents because they always downplayed it. They can do no wrong. I was the bad guy. 

Now dont get me wrong, i wasnt perfect in this either, but my parents left me with a lot of emotional issues that ive been finding out recently was because of my fucked up childhood. I grew up with 2 sisters and a brother. By the time is was 5 my brother had already been deployed to iraq. I was the youngest by 7 years. I had watched all these things my siblings got to do socially and i couldnt wait to do what they go to do. I never played spotlight tag, ive been to like 2 birthday parties of friends in my childhood, only THREE people that were my friends have ever been up to my parents house when i was a kid. No one ever wanted to drive out to where we lived because it was so far. My parents rarely wanted to take me to town because they were always so tired. My father and I have such a tense relationship that i dread even thinking about him and the same with my mother. They cut my social life completely out of the equation when they made that move 11 years ago. I was trapped. My own room, a kids safe space, felt like a jail cell. I dreaded going home, seeing my parents. My only real grip of happiness was when i went to school or played video games with friends. I made friendships virtually rather in person because of this move. I am completely numb now, i feel so detached from reality anymore. The only real emotion that ive felt consistently in my life is just dread. I dread everything. I want to cut all contact off with my parents but they are my fall back plan if things go south for me somehow. 

Don't get me wrong here, i love my parents. They raised me properly and ive done great things already in my 20 years and i will continue to do so, but they were never there for me emotionally. It made me angry, i felt like they didn't care. I have severe anger issues now because of my childhood. I always felt like they never listened to me. I was only supposed to do as i was told and be a good law abiding person. 

Now my questions are this, i want someone who read this post to tell me if they are going through the similar things as me. I want to try and possibly narrow down names for my illnesses. Right now, i have severe anger, i can control it well in public but i am very easily irritated and lash out easily. I have no motivation, i just fell dreadful anymore. I don't feel happiness. I haven't felt true happiness since before my family moved. I feel extremely detached from reality, i feel like nothing is real anymore. I resent my parents, i resent life. I have bad anxiety, i wake up every morning shaking and sick to my stomach. I don't feel happiness doing the things i used to love doing. I hate playing video games anymore, i hate being in the house. I absolutely despise it because i spent 11 years of my life indoors. 

I dont want these fuckin arm chair therapists to diagnose me. you guys can fuck off with that. 

What i want is for the people who are going through similar things as me to tell me that they are going through this too and what the name of these illnesses are. Sorry if this post is all over the place and hard to understand, ive been really down the past few days because ive been drudging up my repressed childhood and its fucking me up. Ill answer your questions in the comments. And yes im looking for a therapist