Yall, I need help. I'm not looking to be told something is toxic, and to walk away, etc.  That's a personal choice either I will make, or life will make for me. I am someone who wants answers and understanding before I do something like that.  I am also someone who believes PDs can be managed and so I seek to understand.  I have a PD I deal with that has overlapping borderline traits and I like reading this subreddit to try and get a hand on my own emotions.  


Anyway, I need help understanding what words spoken are actually what someone wants, vs just something said in the moment during times of intense emotion?  Is there a way to tell?  


I got back in contact with a girl I had a relationship with after about a year of not seeing her. I stayed at her place for 2 months to visit.  During that time, I have noticed that whenever we fight about something she makes finite statements about removing me from her life, but then the statements are retracted in a display of us returning to one another's lives.  I realize now that I am much more observant, that the statements never stick, and now I a beginning to wonder if they are real at all, and if so, how do you tell?     


When we fight, she says things like "We arent together!!," "We arent trying to make it work!!" "It will never happen!!!" "We are just friends!!!" and today it was, "Stop trying to act like we were like we used to be, grow up!!!"  complete with threats of blocking me. She ended the conversation by texting me "I am so over you and this convo."   That's fine if she really is, but history shows it's more of a bluff, but at some point it must be real right?  


Whenever she tells me we aren't together and won't be, etc.  I say to myself: "Ok.. I can respect we will never be together" and I back off and make mental plans to not have this person in my life anymore, but then she seems to get mad I've backed off, ie: "Why didn't you tell me X happened?"   And it's like... "er because we aren't together and I can't keep being vulnerable over and over when you don't want me in that way?"    The other polarizing behaviors = When i was at her place for 2 months she would say these things, but then there would be intimacy, not necessarily sexual, but rubbing, massages, showers, and telling me that we both still need work on ourselves, how she needs to deal with her mental health issues, but she isn't saying she will never be with me, she just wants it to happen naturally and for me to not pressure her into it.  So I am getting 2 very different messages.  And I sit there like "uhh didn't you just say it will never happen?"  


But now after today's fight, I do feel like walking away finally.  Predominantly because I just don't know how to decipher what is finite with her and what isn't. This time the words seemed real to me, but then again so did the other times. You know what I mean?  And as stated, I have some overlapping BPD traits so I understand the black and white thinking that sometimes presents itself.  Still, is there a way to discern what is true or not?  


She's been a constant friend through my PD, I actually learned about mine through my relationship with her, and I have made a lot of progressive in my own life because she never walked away; so I don't want to bail on her if that's not actually what she's wanting me to do.  But I do want to establish some boundaries in how I'd like to be treated  


  


TL;DR  
Is there a way to tell what words spoken during rage are actually what someone wants, vs just being something said in the moment during times of intense emotion?