This will probably be a lot of rambling but I’m so tired of feeling the way that I do and I just want to know if these feelings are common or if anyone else relates. I was diagnosed with BPD back in 2016 but later switched psychiatrists and got told it was just anxiety and depression. Switched psychiatrists again and got diagnosed again but my current doctor doesn’t like to use labels so she won’t say I have BPD. She just says I have some of the traits. I’m pretty sure I have it. I’m so fucking emotionally unstable and codependent and cannot handle being alone. I definitely get the empty feeling when I’m not being emotionally fulfilled by a significant other. I’ve been single for a year now and dating has caused so much pain. If things don’t work out with someone I kick myself for not being good enough. I’m tired of not being good enough. For example, I just met a girl 2 weeks ago and we hit it off and she said so many sweet things to me and said she was falling for me and couldn’t wait to hear me tell her I love her. She was giving a ton of attention and then just stopped and I freaked out on her and called her a cunt because I was hurt because it felt like she didn’t care. I hate that I do that shit! Why can’t I just be patient and understand that people don’t text back right away. She had a lot of red flags but I ignored them all because I just want to be loved. Now she hates me and I’m hating myself because she was literally the most beautiful girl that had ever been into me. I tried getting her to forgive me but she just leaves me on read. I had to delete her number so I wouldn’t reach out again. I even told her I loved her just to try to get a reaction but no response. 

I also always feel so alone. I have friends I guess, not many, but it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve never had a lot of friends and people have just dropped me like nothing before. I always feel like such a loser because I feel like everyone else in this world has a million friends but me. For example, my super pretty roommate is always texting people! I’m so jealous of her life and that people actually give a shit about her. Most days my mom is the only one that texts me. That’s why if I ever did end my life nobody would give a shit. 

I’ve always felt like having a significant other gives me purpose. Maybe that’s why I cling onto people so much the second they give me any sort of attention. Then I’m too intense and scare them away and then I’m left alone again. That’s all that’s happened this past year. The only reason why I had a relationship that lasted a couple of years was because she had BPD too and needed me just as much as I needed her. She ended up painting me black and moving onto someone new. I’m pretty much over it now but why does she get to have someone and I don’t! 

I’ve been known for taking things to the extreme. Especially if someone is trying to leave. I will try everything in my power to get them to stay. I can be very manipulative. I’ll threaten suicide. I’ve even self harmed in front of someone before to make them feel bad. I hate that about me. I’ve gotten better and learned to control my impulses a little better but obviously not enough. 

I need constant reassurance and validation and now that I don’t get that anymore I literally have a battle in my brain everyday with how much I fucking hate myself. I hate that I self sabotage everything good that comes into my life. I never learn my lessons from the previous relationships I’ve screwed up. 

I know I need to get into some sort of therapy. I don’t even know if it will help because my brain is so powerful and stuck in its ways. 

I always just think if someone will love me as much as I love them that it will fix all of my problems but even in my last relationship I wasn’t fulfilled anymore after the honeymoon period was over. I craved validation and reassurance from other people. I need to somehow be okay with myself and being alone. Life is really about to test me because my best friend/ roommate is moving out and now I’m going to have to face being alone and it is my worst fear.