In Dec i was hospitalized for Pneumonia, It has really really really effected my mental health in a negative manner. Ever since then i have days where i feel as if i cannot breath, but when i distract myself from it i am fine. I am sorry for the broken nature of this post, i am having trouble listing everything that is currently making me absolutely miserable. I don't know how to stop this decline, i start a new job tomorrow, that my family talked me into, and its going to be so hard, so so hard to cope with even existing there for 8 hour periods and not going insane. 

I am struggling hard now more than ever, its hard for me to do things i love, its hard for me to exist like a normal person, i avoid social situations even though i have great friends, i avoid talking to people, i sleep all the time and honestly i sometimes i think about the release that would come with suicide if there is truly nothing after. I know it would hurt my family but i feel like my brain is so rotten and so broken from the really really really really terrible shit i had to be a part of, i feel like no matter what i am literally always going to be this person, to insane to realize what they could have done. 

&amp;#x200B;

I just wanna be somewhat successful, no one listens in my family, some of them really care though, but the parents are absolutely non understanding, all i want is to be loved, to be told that its ok i am this way.

&amp;#x200B;

Ill probably ride this out and go back to my therapist, but i dont want more SSRI's they make things worse for me, this isn't the way for me.