So I'm the partner that has the depression issues. Possibly(ism)I'm the one who goes off in crazy rants if I feel like I'm being ignored. I just get into this red zone and if I'm not calmed down or rationalized with I'm just going to keep going and let it get to the worst possible place. I really try to not get there but when I do , it seems like it's impossible to get out of that place. I compare it to being like a pitbull when it's in a frenzy. 

So yesterday was a great day for me and my partner. We both had a lot of positives happen to us. We both got off around the same time for work, so we **planned** to spend some quality time with each other. By the time my SO got home, I wasn't as chipper as he was. I wasn't in a bad mood. I just wasn't on cloud 9 per say. He kept telling me there was something wrong with me. I told him I'm okay. I just wanted (in my mind, wind down, have a drink/smoke) just lay down and chill. He asked for a kiss, I refused because I just didn't want to. I know that may be a sign that somethings wrong but I literally was okay.

So since he thought I was in this weird mood, he said he was going to adapt to my mood. Which I think was just **made up** in his head since I wasn't angry or sad. So he just lays down in bed and turns his back on and tries to go to bed. I turn off the lights, lay on the opposite of the bed, and cry myself to sleep.

Welp, the craziness in me said NOPE. Wake up. Demon time. I proceeded to wake up and wake him up yelling. Then he goes to the bathroom to take a shower. I let him shower for like 30 mins then I go to the bathroom. Door is locked. I banged on the door to let me in and let me use the restroom. I go in  and proceed to argue with him about how I wasn't ever upset and how its making me upset right now. 

I keep pleading to him and I start yelling at him in his face. He got tired of it and proceeded to put me out of the bathroom physically. I put up a fight but he got me out. Fast forward, He comes out and I'm quiet. Then he gets into bed again and starts to ignore me. So I start just destroying our home, throwing everything everywhere. I said I wasn't going to stop, you might as well leave. So he proceeded to leave.

This is where things get crazy. As he was packing his stuff, I tried to stop him from leaving and he started to push me away hard. He went as far as choking me for atleast 30 secs. I was screaming for him to stop. I would get up and he would kick me down. He hasn't ever done this before. **EVER**.

This is def the worst that its ever gotten between us. I feel bad because he's not that type of person. My mental illness brings out the worse out of my partners. All I've ever dealt with are abusers. I feel like I'm making him this way because I keep pushing him. I pushed him to get this way. I feel so bad. I hate myself for this. When I get into the mode, I see myself out of my body. I feel like the normal "happy-go-lucky" girl I am just gets stuck inside me and this demon literally controls me. I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately because I don't feel like I deserve to be here. I literally turned the sweetest man that finally understands me into a monster. I pushed him to be something hes not. Of course, he's blocked me. He always tells me he understands my condition and such. He said he won't leave me because of it. But idk after this situation, I don't know how he could have enough patience for me.

Now I sit here writing yall with a sore neck and back after the aftermath of my craziness that I provoked. I'm very dissapointed in my actions. I am my worst enemy.