my truth. i can’t do this anymore. last year smtg happened to me and i was almost dead, in an unconscious state, call me crazy but i went to heaven. a feeling was felt that the happiest person on earth with everything couldn’t achieve. around that time i was very depressed, suicidal and just complaining about everything life wise. strolling through heaven was like an endless cloud. happiest feelings i felt the presence of other dead people i’ve loved but didn’t see yet. then god comes to me and reminds me of my life on earth, immediately i start crying. i came to the conclusion, realization and told him (god) that even though i feel the way i do on earth it’s not that i can’t do that to the people who will miss me but i can’t do this to myself. in that moment i realized that even though i thought i was trying i wasnt. i told him this ^^ and told him i want to go back hence the fact he was giving me an option. the second i said i’m sure i want to go back i woke up on my hospital bed. every day since then i wake up with a whole new me. giving everyone and everything a chance. let down every day every time. being at home is the worst too. i always feel worthless. my boyfriend cheats on me. i have one friend on house arrest i barely see. that one friend is my blood sis without being my blood sis. the ONLY person who’s done me good never ONCE bad ever. she’s the definition of a real one. im getting off topic my point is i cant do it anymore. but i can’t bring myself to do the action because on the inside i really don’t want to. i hate life but everything will be better eventually. and that’s true. but when’s eventually ? do i want to wait that long ? what about life’s adventures everything i would miss, my cat especially he’s my literal son. ill miss so much but i can’t be here anymore. im losing my mind. and please don’t report or be concerned i just feel the safest here i can’t say this to no one else. please help me. what do i do? i’ve tried everything. i always think about how much happier i would be if i just chose to stay up there. i had the chance. ill always regret not staying there. but what can i do right.