I'm struggling. 
I've started having suicidal thoughts when I was 8. Since then I've spent couple of years doing nothing but studying and crying in my free time.

Only memories I have from time before that are related to bullying I experienced from my family and schoolmates. I've been beaten by my cousins, verbally abused at school and completely ignored at home. 

My father committed suicide when I was 12. My mother completely stopped giving a fuck about me then (before, she cared at least about my grades in school).

Year later I've distanced myself from every last 'friend' I had because I was planning on killing myself.
I've been living next 5 years planning to finally kill myself every summer with no success as you can see.

Last year, as I turned 18 I tried things people describe as enjoyable, I actually tried getting addicted to various substances but I just can't, I lose any interest before I manage to do so. I've only got myself sexually traumatized in the process.

I'm 19. Having to start being an adult, working my ass off for the minimal wage I can't stop asking myself "What for?".

Therapy didn't make it for me, nor did antidepressants. I have no faith in ever getting better, I don't even know what getting better means at this point. Yet I don't want to kill myself. Neither do I want to live. It's all about picking what's less annoying.

I just want to care
but I can't...