I don't really know how to explain this, but every time someone tells me they love me, I just know - I *know -* they don't. Maybe it's because I lie so much, and I hide so much of my feelings and self so as to not scare people away. Maybe it's because of the mood swings, and I know the people that say they love me just haven't seen me get really REALLY bad yet, and when they do they won't love me anymore. I don't know what it is, I just know they can't really mean it. They love the version of me that they see, but not the REAL me.

I think it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the more I'm sure people don't actually love me, the more I try to hide myself so they keep loving this fake version of me that they think they love, and people notice and they pull away. Or I try to be more open so I can believe they love me, and I get too open and I end up hurting them or asking for too much from them, and they leave. I don't know what to do.

It feels impossible to explain to my friends without BPD. I've been describing it as feeling like a werewolf (excuse the shitty upcoming metaphor for a sec, this is all I have), and that people see my fangs and the blood on my teeth and think they know the worst of it, but they haven't seen me actually rip apart a human body for sustenance. And they can love me during the day and on cloudy nights, but they haven't seen me on a full moon.

I'm sorry, I just. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Anyone at all? I feel helpless and like no one is understanding what I'm trying to say.