My rollercoaster of a life has hurt my wife. If I am being real, I have hurt my wife emotionally. It’s abuse for sure and that is so hard to say because I thought I was a good person. 

Something I have learned though through therapy and self discovery is; sexual coercion is also abuse. Making someone feel bad for not having sex with you is rotten. 

I love her so much, but I think the damage is too great. I don’t think she will ever trust me again. The abuse has stopped for sometime now (maybe not the mental) but I feel it in my jelly’s that it’s over. 

My mental health is okay right now, and that is mostly from her helping me over the years. Pushing me to be better with meds and therapy and I dragged her along the bottom most of the way. Why am I such a shitty person. Why do I choose substances over connection. Why was sex more important than the person that I Love? 

The worst thing is there are 4 beautiful children involved under the age of 7. I don’t know what to do, I have a good job right now, but I am afraid that with the triggers I will choose to destroy that too. What the actual hell. Sorry for the rant.