hello all. my name is Stephanie and I'm am a 24 yr old transgender woman. I have no one to confide in with my thoughts. I mean, im sure I do in family and what friends I have but it seems like too much of a burden for me to just spill this out on them. no one knows what im dealing with--what I am dealing with. so to preface this, I made a throwaway bc I am embarrassed by what im going to say. I do apologize if this gets too long, ill do my best to chop it up into something easily digestible. :)

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I grew up in a house of divorce. it happened around the age of 8 or 9 . my father was/ is an alcoholic and a cheater. my mother is like a solider, she tried to fix it and tried to lessen the blow of what was happening. I was always super sensitive to everything. if I was even spoken to in a different tone whether it be intentional or not it would completely throw my mood out the window. Growing up I never had a lot of friends.. in that time I identified as a homosexual man. The thought of transitioning crossed my mind but I always felt it was "too much work" and I'd settle for the life I was living. 

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time passed. middle school was a goddamn war and high school was so much worse. a moment in between those times sticks out to me where I lost one of my best friends I ever had up until that point over something ridiculous. It felt like I was mourning a death. my friendships were always tumultuous but this one never recovered and this was the beginning of it all. in high school as well as middle school, I was bullied day in and day out. I flunked almost everything, tried suicide numerous time and was miserable. as young as I can remember I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety from the divorce.    

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after seeing a therapist for a while we came to the decision that my best course of action was to drop out of HS for my mental health. I did and it worked. I got my GED, went to a trade school and graduated. in that time I was pretty happy but it was a slippery slope. I made friends there and we began to party. I began to drink a lot, first it was every couple weekends, then it was binge drinking every single weekend. not too long after it started creeping up into my weekdays. I was for all intents and purposes, an alcoholic. during that time it was when I realized I needed to transition if I wanted to live any longer. one night the realization just came to me, if I didn't do this, I would have for sure been dead already.

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when I transitioned it was like this heavy burden was removed from my life and it was. for a good year or so life was so nice, fun and manageable. then I began to slip again, depression was creeping in for no apparent reason so I got on medication. it helped but then it stopped. I began having a lot of sex, spending so much money on luxury goods, skincare, anything to feel good. it worked momentarily. I should not during this time all my friendships from my trade filled out, some were messy and other just lost touch. This pattern followed me to work and repeated itself. 

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presently... Ive been dealing with it. I have like 2 friends I've made at work recently and it feels great. but. can't help feeling that somethings gonna happen. sometimes I try to even force myself to change in that moment im with someone I don't want to ruin bc its easier to just pretend that risk me acting out. I haven't been promiscuous as I was a couple month ago, I haven't gotten tested for anything bc im mortified of what I might see, im sure its nothing, I was always safe but still...no one knows what's going on but I am struggling. I can't help my anger, my outbursts, I ruin everything. I was recently talking to someone who rekindled with me, he wanted to spend sometime with me and pursue a relationship. I've known him for years and he always just fucked me. well we made up, he got what he wanted and I left his place thinking we were good. he never texted me after so I cut him off.  told him off and blocked him. I've done this before but this time its for real. 

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idk what my goal was in posting this. I just wanted someone to hear. I do not see a therapist and I am not diagnosed but as I reflect on my life now and see everything thing that's happened.. its all cause and effect and it makes so much sense to me now. I find solace in that a little bit in that I finally know what this is or who I am. im not sure where im going from here but thanks for reading. 

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