(What a way to introduce myself)

I don't even really know what to say, just at a bad point in my life right now, though I shouldn't be. I got into a great university, have a girlfriend who loves me more than anything, bright shining future ahead of me and all that shit, but I'm so... tired. Didn't have the best childhood in the world, even though I feel pathetic talking about it— I grew up with plenty of money, but my dad is physically and mentally abusive to me and my mom on a pretty regular basis, and even when he's being decent (admittedly, most of the time) we're always walking on eggshells. My mom is better than he is, and I attribute a lot of her worse characteristics to living with his abuse, but she has a lot of mental health issues, and I'm exhausted dealing with the threats of suicide/running away and emotional explosions from her— they've increased exponentially since my grandfather died last June, something she didn't handle too well. They've both always been soul-crushingly demanding of me re: academic achievement, typical immigrant parents— sometimes I feel like they see me as a prize pony, not their daughter, and there's really only so many times I can be called a worthless fuckup before I just want to shove my head into an oven. Last November my dad accused my mom of cheating on him, threw a burning pot at her head and called her a whore, and my mom kicked him out... only to let him come back home a few hours later and tell me not to talk about it anymore. That's how things typically work in our family. Loads of denial. 

My girlfriend is basically one of the only reasons I'm not going through with it, but she's having a lot of problems herself lately (physical/mental illness, deaths/serious illness in the family, abuse on her end) and I feel like shit burdening her with my problems— I feel even shittier when I snap at her or pick idiotic fights with her just to distract myself from the pain, and thanks to this shitty ass disorder that causes splitting, sometimes I try to shove her as far away as possible to keep from getting hurt (this girl is a saint for putting up with me, seriously.) My mom's told me more than once that I'm just like my dad, and hearing that honestly destroyed me. I want to kill myself to make sure I never ruin anyone like he ruined me. Plus dealing with my homophobic family... I love her so much, but sometimes I just want her to find someone better than my crazy ass.

I started getting into pro-ana stuff when I was eleven, and seriously cutting myself with implements when I was fourteen. Around sixteen/seventeen, started getting into drinking, and I have pain pills stashed that my parents don't know about. Experimented some with smoking, but gave it up. Got into the BDSM scene and used it as a source of self-harm, but again, gave it up after I had a really bad experience being a couple from my school's third wheel. My best friend attempted suicide a couple years back after their boyfriend hanged himself, and I didn't ever really get over it; my parents were as dismissive as hell and told me to stop being overdramatic, and a guy I thought was my friend took advantage of my emotional state to try to get me into bed with him. Seen multiple suicide attempts and threats since— my school is a pressure cooker, and my friends aren't the most stable bunch. 

 I've never been to a therapist or anything; my dad would flat-out laugh in my face, and my mom's modus operandi is deny, deny, deny. I'm sorry for self-diagnosing and intruding here, but I've met a lot of criteria for BPD for a few years, and I wasn't sure where to go :/ Thanks for reading, anyone who's gotten this far— a lot of stupid bullshit is piling up. Don't really want to be a doctor like my parents think I should be, worried about succeeding in college, afraid of my future with my girlfriend... and my brain's reaction to this is 'just kill yourself and you'll never have another worry again'. 99.9% chance I won't do it, but I kind of wanted a little support right now, because I can't stop thinking about it.