as people with BPD we all know that something as small as an argument with our s/o can set us off and feel threatening due to a sense of abandonment.

I find it really hard to keep my shit together when this happens, or a minor inconvenience occurs in my life. 

I want to be a better person for my partner. I know he sometimes really struggles with my outbursts and emotions, and I can become very nasty during arguments or when something doesn’t go my way. I’m sort of unaware in the moment and only realise later. it’s exhausting. 

for example - he was at the football with his friends saturday just gone and we were arguing over text about something totally unrelated to him being out, and I said bye have a nice life! and he then laughed at me and accused me of cheating (we had a short break up recently that I initiated where I used tinder a few days into the breakup then realised I wanted to be with him when he came back to me so I can understand his feelings of insecurity) and so I ignored him because of the accusation. he then went out to town with his friends until 7am partying and I was so heart broken that he didn’t come and see me considering he works away for two weeks at a time and we hardly see each other now. we were living together for a year until his mum kicked me out recently and things have been very rocky and hard for us (and especially me with BPD) since. I am currently in the process of building a house and he hopes to move in with me when it is done if our relationship improves. 

it’s like my brain pushes him away myself to avoid getting hurt by him? I use ultimatums and become manipulative and I HATE it. I told him if he doesn’t find a rental with me, we’re done, but since being kicked out our relationship has been so rocky - why would he want to do that? he has never wanted to leave though, bless him. I read a mantra that said “it takes just ONE. it takes just being 1% better each day to be 100% better after 100 days”. how do you use that 1% in your day to day life? 😵‍💫

edited to add: yes I am on medication and go to individual DBT therapy with my psychologist but I’m beginning to think group DBT may be more beneficial 🤍