I'm 19m, I have fucked up so much in my life so far. I have BPD, major depressive disorder(MDD). I have two friends in the world, one who I have never met in person and the other I rarely see. Can't keep a job down, not to lack of trying, have had multiple jobs, my mood/motivation for them changes all too often and safe. I am gay. I have a obsession with a friend, I had a crush on him for two years, told him, rejected but stayed friends, I never lost full feelings now I'm feeling jealous when he is with other friends or when he tells me about who he's fucking, which is totally wrong of me I know but can't lose the feelings for him. I can stay out of contact with other people for weeks and not have my absence noticed, I feel lonely, uncared for constantly. I have became quite dark, I find myself hating people I have never met and even strong feelings of hate for my friends for not being able to be with me all the time. 

I can't even feel sorry for myself, I read back into old texts, conversations and I see what a bad person I am, I can easily understand my lack of friends/inability to keep friends. 

I want to change who I am completely, start a new, I have no idea how to do so except for the thought of cutting contact with the few people who know me and moving, possible out of country.