im already 20 but i still have the same self esteem like when i was 16. my mother tries to help or to understand me when i split but the next moment when i’m feeling better she changes to her casual self. makes me feel guilty and ashamed, gaslights me into thinking that it’s my fault that she can’t do something she promised to. ik she doesn’t even understand it, cuz she probably has risen by a narcissist mother too. but her pretending that she actually values me as person kills me. 

im not taking any meds yet, but what can i do to start being less dependent on her attitude towards me? how can i stop connecting it to my own value? bc of her actions i think that i’m a fucking insect that deserves no love and respect, and literally has no rights