I just hate my life and want it to end I can't take what's happening to me I just keep pretending to be okay and I always try to find a way to waste my time so I don't think I just can't stop thinking about everything every second of my life I scream uncontrollably everyday I always cry I keep hitting my head into walls hoping my brain would just stop working I don't know what's wrong with me I looked into mental illness but I am not sure and I can't go to a therapist because my family says that there is nothing wrong with me because I say there something wrong with me because if I were "really" crazy I would think that everything is normal and other people are crazy and they tell me that I just need to behave and I'll be fine but the thing is I love my family I want to be a part my family but ever sense I started to think I've been always been the black sheep of the family they say that I am ungrateful because I argue with them sometimes they say that if I was really grateful I would be able to hold my tember whatever they tell me everyday the just say the meanest things about me they say I am faking it they say that I am disconnected from reality and that I don't know how people down in their luck live dand the say If lived like those people down on their luck I would be grateful and understand that I am in heaven,I just can't take all the insults they say when they think I am not listening 
For example when I started school I used to care about studying and I always got full marks but when I got this 19/20 on a test mom kept talking about how bad was I and that I didn't study so now I don't even open the book  why would  I care now if 19/20 is the same as 0/20 

Added notes
Some symptoms that I noticed I have
-I never focus even if I want to
-can't sleep
-I succeed in tests without studying somehow
-I forget alot 
-I can't lie to someone about my how I feel 
-I can't stop thinking 
-I could have to opposite feelings at the same time
-my friends could be counted on one hand and most of them ignore me