I was once again lead on and hurt by someone I STUPIDLY thought I could trust.  My instincts were going off but noooo, I just HAD to drift into the thrill of him.  Now I lost my job and might lose my cats. I feel everyone in my life is against me and has only been handling me.  

I want to stop hating myself since others never will and I can't if I know I too am bad because right now I just fucking HAAAATE people and can't turn off this snarky bitchy attitude I've developed since things went down.  For the first time I felt homicidal and suicidal to the point I thought I needed to be committed. If I lose my cats bc I get evicted, I'm ending up in the hospital or prison for sure.  There's no words to describe my rage and it feels permanent state, not mood rage.