  

For about 21 years, I was on a journey of self-discovery. I had no sense of self and was constantly trying to find it through mimicking those around me. Whether it be family, friends, or even influencers on the internet that I’ve never met in my life. I always strived to find my own personality within someone else. Little did I know, at the age of 22 I would realize that the one striving for those lives was not me but my BPD. For years, I allowed my BPD demons to run my life and sabotage everything I had hoped and dreamed for. For years, I was running and hiding from my demons, praying to a God that I didn’t believe in to save me from what at the time I thought was myself. Now I know, it was never me. What I feared was a part of me, yes. However, I know now that I am NOT my BPD. Although it has influence on my brain, it is up to me to allow it to have control over it. My BPD came as an automatic response to my trauma in the past. It was built to protect me. And yet the more I rely on demons, the more it takes control. It almost had me. The ropes had me completely bound and set on a path for self-destruction. Now though, my demons are the ones caught in the trap, begging me not to leave them behind as I move forward on a path set by me and me alone. Some days, it may be harder to pull away from those demons, as some days they are louder than others. But that’s okay because they do not control me. My BPD does not control me. I do. I set my goals, boundaries, and ultimately who I am as a person. My demons had 21 years of fun, but now? It’s my turn. As I set on this path of true self-discovery, I leave my demons with a few final words. “Thank you,” I say to them, “Thank you teaching me so much about the world and thank you for teaching me so much about myself. Although you plagued me with harmful intentions, my strength stems from you. Relish in the fact that your intentions to destroy me only made me stronger in the end and suffer as you watch me prosper and succeed in the ways that I’ve always deserved.” Although my BPD will always be here, I will never again let it define me. I am me; I am not my BPD.