I don’t usually do this type of thing but I had nowhere else to turn, I had to let it out somewhere. I’m 21 and I’m born and raised in New York. I’ve been struggling with feelings of insecurity, self doubt, anger and desperation for a couple years now but it comes and goes. When it comes, it comes in stages but it eventually dissipates for a while, it starts with a sense of inadequacy because I don’t feel like I measure up to the standards I set for myself in my head, I feel like I failed or I’m failing anyone close to me even if they don’t expect anything from me, I feel like a letdown, a failure, a screw up I guess. When I see people I went to school with achieving big things like graduating college, graduating trade school, getting good paying jobs, going on trips, vacations, having long relationships etc. Then I look at myself and all I managed to in the same time frame which is working warehouse jobs, no money saved up because I have spending impulses, fading friendships, no relationships at all and then I just feel like a giant failure, I can’t describe the self hatred I feel because I just can’t seem to find that same drive to do anything because these feelings of self doubt and inadequacy kick in and the anger and self doubt just feels like a numbness in my chest at this point almost like an anesthetic because it happens so often. There are times when I feel a slight interest in a career path and I feel a motivation to research said career and the self doubt kicks in and the voices in my sub conscious tell me I’m stupid for thinking I could do that, I’m a failure that’s not good enough for that, expect it’s way more explicit in my head. I try to suppress these feelings because I feel like I tell someone this I would just look ridiculous, like I’m whining, because at the end of the day no one’s gonna come rescue you, you’re the one to blame for what happens to you, it’s up to you to stand up and face whatever you need to face. This is no exception but I just can’t seem to find the strength to do it, I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anything, I can’t measure up to anyone. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for a trade because that’s for strong working class people with good standing and I feel like I could never measure up to that, that’s just not my personality, I won’t be accepted by my peers because I’m not a typical blue collar kind of guy, I fear I’ll screw up and then they’ll validate all those thoughts I have of myself in my head, I don’t feel like I’m good enough for college because I get flashbacks back to when I went to school, my grades were horrendous, I constantly fought, I was suspended every other week because I wanted to get attention, I wanted someone to just sit down with me and try to make me feel like it would be alright, I wasn’t a screw up, I put trying to get attention and acceptance ahead of actually doing the school work because I didn’t know it. I realize I’m at the age now where I can’t do that anymore, I’m too old for those types of shenanigans and I couldn’t possibly grasp the material in college classes, I’m not smart at all. 
On top of that I’m broke, I’d be paying for it. I want someone to give me answers but I know that’s not how life works so I gotta suppress all this. Then I eventually get feelings of Desperation because I feel like I’m running out of time, I’m 21, I’m broke, I haven’t been any relationship (its something I’m scared of), all of my existing friendships are fading, no one reaches out anymore which is understandable because people are busy which is why I want something to keep me busy so I can just ignore the numbness I get in my chest from time to time. I reach points where I fetishize my own misery because its what I’m most familiar with,. There are days where I just feel like leaving everything in the dead of night and not tell anyone anything just so I can start fresh somewhere and be whatever I want to be but I know that’s not something I could do at least now, I don’t have to time travel just to be miserable somewhere else, I’ve got to work to help my mom with the bills, I gotta help her with car insurance, the mortgage, the cable, the internet etc, and I’m not even doing that right now because I had a bad ankle sprain 2 weeks back that left me out of work so now I feel completely useless, like even more of a loser and a burden to everyone else, there’s times where I fantasize about my funeral and I like to imagine who would be there and what order they’d be there in and who would really care, because no one has taken the time to ask me how I’m doing right now, if you made it this far, I’m sorry for this bible length post but I just had to let it out, I guess the point of this post would be to just ask two simple questions, Am I depressed? and if not, what would you recommend me to do?, because I haven’t been feeling suicidal yet but I don’t know how much longer that would be the case, I need to do something, please help me with a simple suggestion, I’m so lost