(this is a long post, sorry)

also to make this easier to respond to, i’ll put a ❓next to a point where i’m actually asking about/confused about something

i feel like some of the people that are close to me are manipulative. 

and then i feel like i’m just making stuff up. 

stOrytime
so a few weeks ago, i was really going through a rough time. i was thinking about how hard it is to  maintain and manage personal relationships. friends, mostly. i thought about how great and easy it would be if i were to just cut ties with the few friends i have, push everyone away, and live alone without having the responsibility of maintaining relationships. it sounded like a dream to me (yeah it still does). so, as i usually do with my problems, i vented about it on tik tok (which is my vent/safe space and i have a lot of really great mutuals there yadda yadda)

so my best friend in the entire world started following my tik tok. 

and she saw that vent. 

and... being her, she took it very personal. whether she took it too literal or not, i don’t know. i don’t exactly trust my brain with stuff like this. 

i never said i was going to. i talked about how nice it sounded. 

anyways cue my bsf calling and facetiming and messaging me nonstop as i’m going through a time where i didn’t have the mental or emotional energy to talk to anyone. she insisted on coming to my house because “this is extremely important and we needed to talk about this right now.” she started calling my mom, who was busy at work. so then my mom is worried and upset with me on top of my bsf being annoying and clingy and overly emotional at a time when i didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

so naturally i was pissed off at her. i still am, because she refuses to actually listen to me when i try to explain that i’m going through a bad mental state. she’s taking it completely personal. 

“do i not make you happy anymore 🥺”
“i need you in my life i literally can’t live without you 🥺😭”
“why would you do this?! do you know how hurt i am by this?!?!”

now, to go back to the main point of this post. 

i feel like she’s trying to (or was at least) guilt trip me into not having bad mental health. 

i eventually facetimed her to talk things out. i couldn’t show my face because i just didn’t have the guts to. 

so we started talking it out. 

and by we i mean she. 

and by talking it out i mean crying about how hurt she was.

“i just felt my entire soul sink. i had no idea you were feeling this way. i was absolutely shocked. i didn’t sleep that night bc i was too busy crying.”

record scratch. 

i hate crying. i hate when other people cry. i hate when i cry. i personally think it’s gross and weak and shows too much sensitivity. so there’s strike one. ❓is that normal for someone with poor mental health or am i just a jerk❓

“i couldn’t concentrate in school the next day. i just felt hollow and empty.” 

*silence bc i’m sitting on the floor, out of view, and i couldn’t find the energy to pretend to care*

“arlo.... i almost started cutting again because of you” 

red flag. at least i think that’s a red flag. this is where i’m confused. ❓is that guilt tripping? is it okay that she said that to me when i’m going through my own hard mental shit? ❓

and then she was sobbing. and i mean sobbing. and i just couldn’t care. i didn’t feel bad that i had made my best friend cry. i didn’t feel guilty. i didn’t feel any sympathy or sorrow for her. i had seriously hurt her and i didn’t and still don’t give a shit. 

i know i’m a jerk, but i feel like she was being at least a little bit guilt-trippy or manipulative. 

i feel like it shouldn’t be okay that she said some of that stuff to me when i’m going through my own hard shit. 

anyways, if you read this whole thing then thank you. i appreciate the thought.