I’ve never been thin. It’s been the bain of my existence since I was a child. I’m not massive or obese but I am not skinny and people have made it clear to me my whole life how much more attractive i’d be if I’ve lost weight. I was anorexic then bulimic as a teen, and struggled on off with binge eating since then. It’s the same sob story anyone has, i’m not different or anymore special than anyone else who’s had an eating disorder. 

But I fucking hate how much people just don’t give a fuck about you if you aren’t a twig. No one works to do anything for me. No one tries for me. No one secretly crushes on me. No one will put up with my BPD because i’m not hot enough to be “worth” it. I’m so jealous of people who are thin. Men just obsess over them and it makes me jealous. I don’t have anything against then, i’m just jealous. I wish I could be then. I wish i could be small and pretty enough that a man would put up with my crying. Anytime i’ve ever cried or expressed being sad people get mad at me instead. 

Anytime my skinny friends cry everyone (especially all our male friends) want to comfort them. It’s just not fair. 

I don’t think i’ll ever find a relationship looking like this and acting the way that I do with my bpd and I hate myself for it but I feel like no matter how hard I try I’m stuck.