i have a lot going on inside but it's all beneath the surface. i'm kind of numb, avoiding thinking about things, but i think they're still bothering me. i'm anxious about a lot of stuff, my life is kind of in this terrible place and there's nothing i can do about it and there's all of these bad things happening all around me - and *to* me - and all i do is try to avoid thinking about them.

and i'm running out of ways to avoid things.

i'm afraid that i'm going to end up having to kill myself in a few months when my disability claim gets denied, i can't be homeless and i can't work. i try hard not to think about it, but i know it's going to happen. nothing good can ever happen for me and i'm not allowed to exist without people being angry at me about it.

i wish i was just someone different.