Hey guys, I feel a bit silly writing all this down... In fact, you can probably guess that I am not a frequent poster here or... anywhere really. I don't... like sharing my problems with anyone except my husband, and even then, there are a lot of things I feel like I can't share with him. 

I hope you don't mind if I take a little bit of the space in this community and just... talk. Maybe mostly to myself. I never talk anymore. I destroyed most of my friendships with neglect. Even a friend that is staying with us at the moment, I look at her and I pull back. 

I won't bore you with all the details in my life, so I'll rush through it. Raised by my mom and grandma, dad was in the picture, albeit abusive mentally, financially, vocally, and physically. He left my mom for his secretary when I was two years old, and my mom after throwing herself under his car begging him not too leave her, eventually had to move back with her mother to raise me. Abusive childhood, neglected, all the good stuff. 

 Eventually tried to overdose multiple times, psych ward stay, hermit for a while, medicated for severe depression and BPD. Met my husband and things changed. 

I'm older and married to a wonderful person. We are young, live in a good country far away from where I was born, and I am... happy. 

Since my husband became my favourite person years ago, I lost all my friends due to my addiction to him. I never drank or smoked or did drugs, but to me, my life is my husband and will always be that. Friendships... I want to have them, but I can't... reach out. I have no trouble being funny and charming, albeit manipulative, but I can never reach out to others. Even in times like this when I feel like I am watching my life crash down... and I'm just here. 

My mood are mostly stable because I keep it to myself and I'm medicated. For now.

This is where I am now.

My husband and I moved our entire lives to a new city for a job I found for both of us. A job that was supposed to change our lives. I volunteered there, as I do not hold a working visa at the moment (I'll explain this in a bit). My husband worked full-time. It made us happy. And then we weren't allowed to speak to each other. We weren't allowed to look at each other. Other co-workers complained about our relationship, saying we were too lovey dovey even though the only thing we ever did was smile at each other and say hello. 

My husband has severe anxiety. Crippling to the point his vision goes black. He is such a gentle person... and it broke him slowly to be constantly blamed. The owners became angry at me for not having my visa yet. 

 I have been working on getting my work visa, waiting, waiting, waiting. My visa officer forgot to send me an important letter detailing what else I needed, and so I got thrown off my course and began to feel... I don't know what I felt. I felt... lost. And all the work and panic I went through suddenly felt like nothing anymore and as I felt the rush of having to do things right now... I never did. I never moved. I got asked about paperwork I needed and I stood there telling myself why I hadn't done it when I knew I had to. I had no response. Owners threatened with deportation. I laughed as I tried not to cry. 

My husband almost had a nervous breakdown with the idea of me being deported. He asked for a day off and he got told off for his anxiety. He broke down. His sobbing broke my heart. He wanted to die. He kept crying and saying just how much he just wanted to kill himself.

I said nothing. I cried quietly. 

It's been two weeks. We both have no jobs. Currently asking for financial help from the government. 

I cannot get help because I don't have my visa yet. I am out of my BPD medication. I know very soon all my mood swings are going to come back. A friend is staying with us, someone who I have lived with previous when I was off my medication. I drove her out of the house. I get so angry and my crying spells are impossible to stop. 

I am trying to always remain completely under control of my emotions. When my BPD flairs up, I am on the floor laughing and crying and cutting and cutting.

God... I want to cut so badly. 

I got an email today about my visa, saying that my interim has expired and I'm now illegally in the country and have until the 27th to come up with more paperwork for my visa or it will be rejected. I haven't moved to action. I have not told my husband became I am scared he will have a nervous breakdown. I don't want to tell him. 

I don't know how I feel. I've come across a point where... I don't know where I am anymore. 

Sorry this is a bit depressing, haha! I am... really sorry... I just... wanted to tell someone. Anyone that wasn't my favourite person. I don't want to scare him or give him more to deal with than he already has. He's dealing with so much. 

I think I'm scared. I'm sorry about this post... It's a lot, apologies! Thank you for letting me rant, even if it is... a lot. Thank you.