Apologies in advance for the rambling, I just needed somewhere to say this out loud.

I'm so tired, and what I'm most tired of is being tired.  I got divorced last November, stopped living together last June, officially separated last May.   It was ugly too, I never thought someone who supposedly loved me enough to marry me could spit such venom at someone.  After everything they did to cause the issues leading to the divorce too. 

But even now, with all of my being, I at least miss the idea of who I thought she was.  Today, standing in line to get lunch at a restaurant, tears just started pouring down my face for no reason.  This still happens 3-4 times a week, but at least its usually at the house and not in public.   You ever try ordering lunch while tears pour down your face uncontrollably?  It's not fun for anyone involved.  

And I'm so exhausted,  I sleep 7-8 hours a night every night and it feels like I haven't had any sleep in the last 15 months.  I'm constantly beat, just tired.  I still go to work, try and workout if I physically can. But It feels like I haven't had a day of respite in a century.  I don't know how much longer my body can physically continue to do this.   I can feel it giving out around me.  

I just need it to end. Somehow someway I need this to be over. And from what I hear it is for everyone involved but me.  I'm the one still holding onto an idea that probably never really existed anyway.  And I've tried, I swear I have, and I still am trying,  but I just can't let go.  It's been since November where I've had any contact but the thoughts of who she was still haunts me, day and night.   And if one more person tells me it takes time I may lose it.  Mentally I'm sad and depressed but can continue on.  Physically I don't know how much longer I can handle it.  The exhaustion is brutal.  I've caught myself nodding asleep in rush hour traffic a few times, and had to pull over.  

The mental aspect is probably what's causing the physical, but until I can find a way to let go I don't know what else I can do.  And I just can't find away to let go.

Sorry again for the rambling, my support system is great but I know they are getting tired of hearing the same thing from me week after week.  I just needed to get this said somehow out loud.