guy im on a break with texted me. hes still my best friend and i love him so much. been having an episode for like a week now. last night got bad, had like a fuck ton of mood swings during the day and then got paranoid as fuck that he was sleeping with my friend, started getting suicidal. 

he texted me and we were talking and i was trying so hard to hold it together. hes fucking amazing so he immediately knew something was up, told me that hes not in a good place at that second but that he wanted me to know he loves me and all that stuff about how even if i dont feel good right now ive been doing great recently. i have not been doing great recently, but bless him for trying. 

he didnt respond for 20 minutes. tried so hard not to freak out. he came back and said he fell asleep and needed to go because he had work. i absolutely lost all fucking rhyme and reason that i had any chance of accumulating over the course of the time ive been "working on myself". accused him of sleeping with my friend. he denied of course because its not true and i have no real reason to believe that he did, and we arent together anymore. he put his foot down and said "throwaway, i understand youre really upset but i need you to remember that i dont even know her, i need to leave for work." and turned off his notifications or something.

shit show worsened. sent paragraph texts like an idiot. started with all the shit he did during our relationship that triggered me, which is bullshit because it was all before we knew about my bpd so thats completely unfair. then it was the doting, graphic expressions of love. then it was the entire paragraph of apologizing and self pity and shame. im too scared to check my phone. i dont wanna talk to him. i dont wanna see a text that says hes completely cutting me off. i want this episode to end. id rather feel nothing and do nothing than feel all of this shit all the time.