I sleep so much. I quit working a couple months ago because it’s gotten so bad... Nothing sounds fun. I was so social, and all of a sudden thinking of interacting with others makes me anxious. 

My bf has been so supportive, but I’m worried he’s starting to resent me for this depressive episode. I’m all over the place emotionally, whilst letting the house go to shit because I cannot bring myself to do anything. My limbs feel like lead. I’m only happy when he’s home from work, and I can curl up next to him and feel his arm around me. But it’s not his job to relieve me of this shit, and I’m worried I’m coming off as clingy or worse that he feels my happiness is dependent on him. It isn’t, I just don’t know how to move forward and he’s a comforting presence.

I haven’t been this bad since 2014, long before I met him. The last time I felt this low, I was selfish and put my family through two suicide attempts. I sometimes wish I’d succeeded but no, I just put my parents in debt given I was a minor at the time. I was shipped off to wilderness therapy and picked up some great coping skills in the 3.5 months I spent cut off from the world in the desert. It’s gotten me to today, where I no longer remember any of them and need help.

I got hired into a new job (I’m a behavioral therapist) but it doesn’t start until March 7th. I’ve made efforts the past couple weeks to do better — I had a dentist appt on Wednesday and my first therapy appt in years yesterday. It was over zoom and was an initial ‘get to know you’ session so I just kinda covered all the background info rather than delve into anything but I was at least a tiny bit proud of taking the steps I know I need to take.

But here I am, nearly 4am, recovering from a near panic attack but keeping quiet because my bf doesn’t deserve any more of my shit than he’s already put up with.

I just need help.