I (28F) am seeking advice from anyone who feels they are in my current situation and anyone who has been and come out of it.

Growing up, I was always more on the reserved side, but not completely shy. I hung around with mostly adults vs. children my own age. I consider myself mature and felt that due to life circumstances I had to grow up faster than most of my peers. 

Looking back at my teenage year, I was for the most part happy. If anything I always felt like I wasn’t happy go lucky and maybe a little more negative than my friends, but it wasn’t worrisome at the time. 

However, I went through a traumatic experience back in 2018. I was 24 at the time and that seems to have spiraled my brain into something I can’t get back.

Ever since this incident, I’ve never felt truly happy. For the past 4 years, I know I’ve cried almost every day and if not at least once a week because I’m just sad. I’m not happy with my job, in fact I absolutely hate it. My anxiety is through the roof. Several days I wake up at 4 or 5 am with a racing heartbeat. I used to be great at my job when I started and now I don’t want to give anymore than the bare minimum and people are noticing. I’m so tired and irritable all the time and this isn’t like me. It’s really effecting my relationships too.

I recently got engaged to my wonderful man after 7 years. I’ve wanted to be engaged more than anything and I feel like I didn’t enjoy it because of my depression. (I forgot to mention I RANDOMLY go to my therapist, not like I should and have been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and clinical depression)

I’m not on any meds as of now, but it’s getting so bad that I’ve made an appt to start going regularly and get the help I need.

My question is, how do you all who suffer with it deal with it. I’ve voiced my feelings to a friend and colleague and the feedback I get is “everyone’s depressed” which I get, but I feel like everyone is functioning at a level I dream to attain and I just can’t get there.

I worry why there are so many who are dealing with far worse hardships in their life and succeeding and yet I struggle every day to just woke up in the morning without literally praying to God why I’m here and I just want my life to end sometimes.

Probably the only reason I haven’t ended things is because I have a mom I plan to take care of in old age. I’m her only child and it would absolutely break her.

As I write this, I’m in a bathroom stall crying. I’m so sad all the time. Literally the only thing that brings me happiness is my mom and my fiancé. And I’m lucky I have that. Some don’t. But I can’t stress enough how all I want to do 24/7 is crawl into a hole and cry. It amazes me how I just have that many tears and this much pain in my heart. I’m so lost and I don’t know how to get out of this.

I’ve been dealing with it severely since October 2021. My symptoms caused me to go to the hospital multiple times and I had to take a leave from my job.

Any advice is appreciated.