This weekend was spent with me by myself with my 2 cats. I craved nothing and did mostly nothing with the exception of tidying up my 1bd apt and showering 2/3 days. I am tired. I feel like I have spent such a great amount of time missing out on life because of depression. It feels like forever and I hate that even though I want to do something about it, I know that I can’t. I am the most inconsistent family member, friend, co-worker, etc because nothing makes me happy and if it does, it’s temporary and that happiness fades into misery quickly. My friends feel I go ghost. My family has their own set of expectations which includes me not isolating myself but I just want to be left alone. I tend to spend a lot of money ordering out because I can’t get myself to cook and because of that I am also dealing with the financial strain that my depression has caused. My career allows me some flexibility but basically I have only worked full time maybe 4 months this year and I can’t see myself going back to FT because I get stressed, triggered, and basically hospitalized. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure how to be a functioning adult. I want to be normal, happy, at peace - but I am ashamed, sad, and can’t get out of my thoughts.