I had anxiety and depression before covid, but not to this level. I lost my serving job when everything shut down and was never brought back, despite my boss telling me I was one of her favorites because I was reliable and liked the evening shifts no one else liked. I came to find out they a friend that my boss said I "complain too much," and that's why I didn't get my job back, but they were super short staffed and struggling to hire new servers.

The last couple summers I worked at a kayak shop a friend of mine owns. It didn't feel like a "job," other than having to wake up early to be there. I did Uber last fall until I got unemployment stimulus money again (which is the only reason I'm barely afloat now.) I've been doing Uber the last couple months, but it's not making enough to pay my bills.

Here's where the debilitating anxiety comes in. I'm down to my last dollars. I NEED to get a job that pays more than $15/hr just to afford bills and nothing more. I've applied at several places, been denied at several places, and then I finally got a job working front desk at a hotel.

The first day was fine, I was there for like 3 hours doing paperwork with the HR guy. 
The second day I was excited to start. But as the day progressed, I got more and more nervous. There's a LOT to that job, but that was only a small part of my anxiety. I don't even know why I felt so extreme. I nearly cried while watching tutorial videos in the back. I bawled my eyes out when I got home. I woke up and spent the morning sweating and fighting with my bowels because I was so extremely anxious. And then I called in and told them I found another job. I bailed. 

I decided this morning, amidst my nervousness, that I would apply for some other positions online with the local hospital and a vacation agency I used to work for. I didn't expect a response today, but I got a call from the hospital and have an interview tomorrow morning. 

I'm just praying that, if I get the job tomorrow, I don't have the same thing happen. I don't want my anxiety to keep repeating, "I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't," over and over. "I'm not good enough." "This job isn't for me." I feel crazy. Am I crazy? I see a counselor every week and the only medication I use is marijuana. But I still have this boiling fear in my gut that consumes me.