Tw- sh

Kinda posted something similar before but I really need advice so trying again -

I have quiet BPD. My “BPD rage” has always been more of a “BPD irritability at small stuff” mainly when I’m driving or sometimes I get really frustrated when I’m getting ready and my clothes don’t feel “right”. Small stuff usually. 

Until last weekend. I was drinking with my bf which I knew I shouldn’t be doing especially with how bad my mood swings have been since getting on a new birth control. It is my responsibility to recognize my triggers and alcohol is the biggest one. I drank anyway. 

At the end of the night we got in a huge fight because I thought he’d been flirting with a coworker and even treating me differently around her. I exploded. I mean full rage I was screaming at him. I’ve never ever been like that before. 

It hit me directly after how terrible I was. All I could think was “just like your dad you’re just like your dad” because I got drunk and just started yelling. I felt so guilty I went into the bathroom and self harmed. I haven’t almost two years. I didn’t mean for it to be bad, I fully intended on just hiding it from him and bringing it up with my therapist later. But I was drunk and misjudged and it was bad enough he had to take me to the er. 

He broke up with me after picking me up from the er the next morning. 10 months of “I’ll love you no matter what” gone because I absolutely lost it that night. Literally nobody has ever seen me that bad. 

It hurts but I can’t blame him for leaving. All I can do now is get better so it hopefully wasn’t for nothing at least. But it’s hard. It’s hard trying to get better when I feel like I don’t deserve to. I feel like a monster. How do I forgive myself for hurting people I loved the most?