I think this is why I have almost constant thoughts of suicide. Why I don’t have any hope for the future, in fact I don’t give a single shit about my future at all anymore and why I don’t think I’ll ever be able to heal from any of this shit and my life with never be better. Cause it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, what situation I’m in, what my current circumstances are, I fucking hate it.

For example I can’t stand living with other people. I live with people now and I absolutely fucking hate it. I hate that I basically never get any time to be completely by myself at all. I never get to listen to loud music or play my guitar if I want to, can’t call therapists or whoever if I’m in a crisis cause I don’t have enough privacy so people would overhear. And honestly, if I did call someone right now, they’d more than likely hospitalise me which I can’t have because then I’d have to explain myself and it would be a big fucking dramatic thing. But then I lived alone for a long time too and that sucked too. I was just fucking lonely all the time which doesn’t make any sense cause I don’t even *want* to be around people, especially in my own space.

Along that vein, I also don’t do well having friends at all. I’m so fucking unstable it’s all I can do to stop myself from telling them to fuck off one minute only to regret it and apologise later but then feel the urge to do it all over again. So rather than put people through that, I just prefer to isolate myself from them but then when they do contact me I have to put on a facade so they think I’m consistent and if I don’t have the energy to do that anymore, they see how fucked I am and they leave. I get a genuine sense of relief from cutting people off. I move around every year or two and getting to delete all my social media and block all the phone numbers of people I knew in the last place makes me feel like I can breathe again. But then I also have literally zero friends or anyone else right now and I still can’t help feeling so fucking alone even though I know if I had a friend I’d feel suffocated and hate it.

I can’t hold down a fucking job because if I work for long periods for time, especially in places where I have to be around people a lot or customer service or some shit, I either go into psychosis, attempt suicide or become so dissociative I’m virtually catatonic. But then if I don’t work I feel like a complete fucking loser.

I can’t even be a fucking proper, consistent addict. Used to drink all the time, was permanently drunk but I hated being drunk or high or whatever, but I hate being sober equally as much so I drink heavily or do drugs for three months, go cold turkey for 6, then get sick of it and go right back. 

I feel like a walking fucking contradiction, I just don’t make sense. Don’t think I fucking belong here.