After a substantial amount of weeks on an upswing, I came out of my therapy appointment this morning very anxious, scared and crying for the first time in a while. I became so worried and sick with thoughts that my therapists (I have two, one for regular talk therapy and one for EMDR) are going to leave me. I'm afraid that they think I'm boring. I'm afraid that I won't be able to talk to them ever again (what if, unknowingly, today was the last day I'll ever see one of them?). I'm afraid that they think I'm a piece of shit and fucked up for making up a very serious story and telling it to them with quite a lot of detail.

It makes no sense for me to feel this way, though. My therapist and I left on good, upbeat terms today and he said he will see me next week. But this flood of emotions and perseveration came on with no warning. It was so bad, I had to cancel my evening plans with a coworker and leave work early.

The worst part is, for the first time in months, I feel suicidal, but it's a different sort of suicidal. It's a feeling of relief, like I would never have to be severely anxious again. I also have this sort of energy that I never used to have when I was previously considering suicide. Like I have the energy to plan this thing out and follow through. I feel clear-headed, and I feel like dying is what needs to happen. I'm not scared like I should be.