I'm laying here in bed, thinking about past lovers, and how I used to tell them that I love them and even pleaded with them that I did, meanwhile, I had numerous other partners at the same time. When I think about it, I don't think I actually do feel love, well not in the same facet that others do. I used the facade of love as a form of manipulation I guess, or as a way to see how 'easy' they were. Honestly, this one person in their head thinks that they cuckold me, meanwhile, I was texting them after I was finished with my IRL partner. I'm not writing this as a form of a brag. After refound faith, and looking inwards, I want to try to become a better person and learn what love actually is but I feel like I can't with this disorder. I have to pretend, or love bomb.