Hey yall so this is probably gonna be long. I just don't know where to say this and I need to get it out of my system I guess.
Like the title says, I'm exhausted. I've had depression for 10 years or more now and I think I've hit a new level of exhaustion. I now work a full time job on top of an internship. I'm also married and living with roommates and our cats. I'm also on testosterone so you'd think everything is perfect. Its not. Having to constantly wake up knowing I have to interact with people every day and my only 2 days off I still never get alone time ever. I'm always surrounded by people. People are too much to deal with. My spouse and i had a fight and we seem to be healing things now but i full expected them to leave me since they said in the fight they "didn't know if they were happy and that if *i* wanted them to leave to just say it and they wouldn't say anything and go," like- what I got from that is that they don't want to be with me anymore but don't know how to rip the bandaid off so they want me to do it. I'm trying to fix things. But every day I wake up and I'm tired. I'm tried of people needing me for things. I'm tired that I even wake up in the first place. 
This past weekend I was in the ER for kidney stones (3, I passed the first and am healing now!) But the entire time I was there I kept apologizing. Apologizing to the staff, my spouse, and my roommates. I apologized that I was out of work for a week and thay means we won't get any money next week and we're already living paycheck to paycheck. I felt awful knowing that I have to make up that money somehow. 
I'm tired of maintaining relationships of any kind. I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to be needed by people anymore. I want to sleep. I want someone to allow me to let go. I'm exhausted. Im begging at this point. This week has been great of just sleeping and healing but knowing I have to go back tomorrow scares me. I can't take it anymore. This psychological pain is too much and is carrying into physical pain. 
I can't take it anymore, I can't.