I met my best friend of 10 years 2 weeks ago. I knew I loved them but like?!!!???? And since getting home I'm just. I'm so fucking tired. 

I spend all of my energy being hyperaware of how fucking obsessive and clingy I am and trying not to actively drive people away, teetering on the edge of 'is this manipulative', trying to redirect my thoughts to anything else and failing terribly because of how fucking intensely I get attached and hating myself for it. Being in this limbo of worthlessness and so fucking optimistic at the same time. I hate this feeling. This holding myself back because even I feel like I'm overbearing and then just having all this.. SOMETHING fucking emotion sitting in my chest making it hard for me to breathe because I have no idea where to put it, and I can't redirect it because it just comes back worse. 

Its fucking maddening, I can't do anything, I feel like I'm just frozen in place until I get that little reassurance of 'they don't hate me' and then I can function for all of 10 minutes. This is the worst its been in a while and its nobodies fault but the fact I cant do anything about it, I can't just ask them to come over... FUCK. This is why all my personal connections stay online because I can suspend the fact that they're real people and it never gets quite as bad, I can still be home in my own space and its mine but no, this time it had to be different. 

And the worst part is that I wouldn't change it for the world? Like I don't want to undo meeting them and being there but its so hard being in my own space now without constantly being aware that they're nowhere near me and wanting to blow any and all money I have on going back. I hate it. And I can see the fucking pattern I can remember why my old connections fucking fell apart and it was all the same shit and I'm so fucking terrified of losing them to the same things and I cant fUCKIJG stop it from happening any more than I already am and I'm.. so fucking tired.