I may not be able to express this properly as it is difficult for me to speak or write.

Things just seem to get worse and worse and I don't know how to handle them properly.

My brain seems to be at a constant fog. Like it will take me a while to do important things, like it takes a classmate mentioning me in the group chat to do my part in the project, doing assignments hours before the deadline when I literally have other days to do it, I feel like when we have to do essay related stuff I feel illiterate/what I wrote could be better. I feel I am incompetent or I will never be good enough. 

I feel like the person I loved the most in my whole life, my father figure, no longer felt like my father figure. I understand that he fears losing another loved one in his life, but sometimes it hurts feeling like I'm left out or seeing how he would give lots of money to my grandmother, when she never even spends it, felt like she would only use it for bragging rights. While he made me struggle with deciding with two things I wanted, when he clearly has the money for both. Because of what happened I almost had a meltdown. I felt like shit and I just ended up sleeping it away because of how heavy it felt.

If I even tried to bring up how unfair it felt I feel like he would get mad at me. So I never bring it up when I desperately want to. I wanted him to know how pained I feel. How unloved I feel. How I feel like I was no longer valued or treated like a daughter.

I have parents who are pathetic excuses for parents. My father rarely financially supports us, he would do it as some sort of proof to show that he's done jack shit to the family or in fear of being arrested for not doing anything. My mother doesn't have a job when she could literally make profit out of the fact that she's an eye doctor, but chooses to do this "woe is me" route and leech off of her brother who I consider as my father figure instead (I always felt guilty and awful for burdening him).

I try to look like I have it together because the moment I give up this facade and expose how much of a mess I really am people would be disgusted or indifferent. Sometimes I can't even tell those close to me or who I consider my friends because they are dealing with so many other things.

This sounds stupid, but I couldn't help it. I snapped earlier because I wasn't able to get the character that I really wanted and I worked hard for months to save up for. The game was my joy and I played it because it kind of helps me be distracted from the unpleasant emotions I hide.

I felt really drained. It felt like things were getting worse and worse and I have no choice once again to pretend it's all okay when it isn't. I was considering breaking my clean streak. I felt it was the best way to let out the pain that has been lingering in there for a while.

Do I need to die like my grandfather too so that I get more love and tributes? So that I could no longer feel any agony? So I no longer have to suffer from this cycle of hiding my emotions and feel it corrupting and hurting me?