(23 year old cis woman)
I didn’t date it because I don’t know what day will be the day i’m no longer able to rationalize through my feelings. I feel silly after writing it, but my feelings are still all the same. Reality is still the same. I no longer have the motivation to work. I still stay with my mom, and with the way things are looking, I won’t be able to move out any time soon. She’s the biggest narcissist i’ve encountered in my entire life, so living here really is unbearable when I can’t just ignore her. And unfortunately i’m still haunted by the traumas of my childhood. 

Just recently in December, I was diagnosed with HSV of the genitals, and the man I was with and trusted still to this day won’t acknowledge that he gave it to me. And I know  I won’t be able to find love, even though it was nearly impossible before this, now it truly is. The stigma, and the ignorance of this generation, it’s just not possible. 

I’ve thought about this since I was younger, freeing myself from the world, off and on constantly. Sometimes the feeling would be triggered, but at most times, it was random. As I’ve gotten older I see that it truly can get worse, and it only can get worse. The only “better” i’ve seen is the better i’ve forced and deluded upon myself. 

I’m currently a CNA and i’ve enjoyed helping people, and I really wanted to work my way up to eventually becoming a Physicians assistant, possibly specializing in Mental Health. I always figured my purpose would be to find the hope I had so much trouble finding for myself, for others. But how could I help anyone when i’ve felt so hopeless my whole life? I would be a fraud, a hypocrite. So what does that leave me with? Realizing I created a false purpose just to keep  myself holding on a little while longer, feeding into what i thought was my reasoning for being on this earth. 

Im tired of feeling upset with myself and i’m tired of feeling like i’m a negative Nancy when i express any disdain of my life to those who listen. Im tired of looking ungrateful.