Just sharing and ranting abit about how it is for me in gaming and my social life.

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Im having a difficult time with sticking to my choice. I keep changing my mind over and over and over and over again. I have just spent 96 hours in Skyrim and im not past the starting area.  I make a character, then change my mind on the the looks or playstyle. Im always influenced by something that makes me change my mind and forces me to deleted the old character and do a new one. Like oh I want the be an Archer, oh wait.. I want to be a warrior. No on a second thought, I want to be a mage. And this repeats over and over again x\_x 

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 Same thing is happening in fallout, I havent been able to do the DLC content, I cant reach it because I keep making a new character.

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This is how I spent a majority of my time in most mmorpgs like WOW, ESO, guildwars etc

When world of warcraft now has lvling boost tokens. I managed to spend 300 euro on boosting 6 characters. That I managed to play for a few days then change my mind and just deleting them. 

I spent another 300 euro on Black desert online, on bag space and inventory weights on characters that I ended up just deleting.

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My proudest accomplishment is that I managed to stick to 1 character in guildwars2 and had 2500 hours played on it, but then I deleted it.

Now I have several MMOs Im a veteran in, with no characters or anything to show for except for memories, since I always delete everything because I feel I want something new.

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Today I have no game to play, Im burnt out on everything. I keep going in a circle between games I already played and cant get past the starting area. 

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Dont get me started on FPS games or any other game you have choices in, I change my playstyle and weaponset once every hour.

I managed to lvl all classes in Destiny 2 to max level, 3 times each! Because I wanted to change my characters hairstyle.

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The feeling of repeating these things like I have OCD is terrible, because I always hope that this is it! Now Ive finally settled with something. But it hasnt happened yet. All of this drives me nuts and I hope that when I get older that I will be able to stick to things o\_o

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Now the second part of this rant is my social life.

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I have deleted everybody(except 1 family member) I know from all my friendslists and been living in isolation for 2 years both IRL and Online. Everybody I have ever known has been a friend through a friend and Ive always jumped from one friend to another. Now I jumped from the last friend into nothing. I did delete everybody and re-add them after some time many times over, but one day It was enough and I decided to choose being alone over destructive friendships.

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I can only speak with people in games when its casual, if it gets to private or friendly. I panic. I am so scared to get obsessed with the person. 

I cant have friends never could, I can only have one person that I focus everything on. 

And when I have one person I focus it all on, I neglect myself and it takes a toll mentally when you are obsessed with someone that isnt obsessed in you.

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Whenever somebody adds me to their friendslist, I feel really uncomfortable because I cant "just be friends" lol. So I decline :( I guess this takes a toll on me because gaming alone isnt always fun...

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Atleast I have one thing going for me and that is that I enjoy life and Im not depressed. Hopefully someone reads this and gets something out of it. If not, well I wish you Merry christmas anyway!

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