Tw: Discussion about depression and brief mention of suicidal ideation

This is more or less just a vent post, but is anyone else embarrassed about their lives? I was a very intelligent student, I was very artistic, I had so much talent. I had ambitions. I had goals. I'm 30 years old and still live in the same city I hate, working a job I don't love, with an education that got me no where, and all my creativity neglected. Anxiety and depression and God knows what else stole this from me and I let it. I know I let it. I'm working on it now and getting help, but it doesn't feel like enough.

I know people look at me, especially friends and family, and see me as someone who was "all talk." Like wanting to move. I've always wanted to move to a bigger city and do something exciting, but my anxiety was so severe and my depression got so dark. I'd be uprooting my life to live on my own in a city where I knew no one with no guaranteed income or housing. The amount of times I've been told to "just do it" by people who have had one or more of those supports is just... mind blowing. But I couldn't explain to them that I was worried about actually ending it all if I moved. Even now, things are being described as the "push I need" as if I was just twiddling my thumbs and watching life slide on by. I guess it just kind of hurts that no matter how much I try to open up now, people still view me as just not trying.