But it's one of my biggest fears. Nothing helps. Nothing helps me. Not even the damn 8 sleeping pills I took last night put me to sleep. I was heartbroken the first time I read about therapy not curing everyone's depression. I won't be able to open up to a therapist. Why would I tell you that killing myself is on my mind 24/7? So I can get locked up or something? I couldn't even answer my parents when they asked me why I tried to kill myself and why I was depressed because that's what I'm wondering... Why me?

It's been five years of being suicidal. I'm 19. I feel a fake happiness when I'm high and I do stupid fucking things like transferring universities when I'm high. I won't be able to cry with a roommate. 

This post makes no sense, and it's my third time writing it, and I don't care. I'm 19 and I'm stuck because the thing is I honestly don't want to get better. 

I just want to die.