Threatening an friend with suicide... I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there at some point. I know I have. I’m not proud of it, but I won’t shame myself for it either. I’ve come to realize that telling my fraternity little bro that I want to kill or hurt myself is often an act of desperation after he walked away from our friendship. I have tried to kill myself since our falling out 9 months ago, but I admit that there are times when I have told him that I want to die, not because I was in serious danger of an imminent attempt, but because it was really the only way I thought I could ask for help and communicate how bad things have been getting, how much emotional pain I’m in, and how badly I have needed the pain to end.

Many times over the past month I’ve had to urge to tell him I want to die and to beg for help. I’ve done that for months and it’s only worsened things between him and I. But for a month (and counting), I haven’t had a total emotional meltdown and sent him a barrage of a 100 suicidal messages as I panic and lose my shit.

I still panic and lose my shit and deal with very unpleasant levels of suicidal thoughts, but I’ve resisted the urge to have a meltdown to him for a month now. And I think that’s a pretty good step. I think I should give myself some credit for that. But then my next thought is that I should ask him if I deserve to give myself credit for that.

I really don’t understand how to soothe myself snd make the panic snd suicidal fantasies go away. I still really want him to comfort me and calm me down. He really can in a way no one ever really has. I don’t fully understand what it is about this 20 year old kid, but he makes me feel safer than just about anyone ever has in my entire fucked up life. It’s so hard for me to not beg him to soothe and calm me. I have to resist the urge multiple times per day, and I have. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that’s somewhat significant step (even if it’s a small one).