When I was younger
I was unstoppable
Some version of “depth”
Sunk into me around ten years old
And my world got complicated 
Pulled in all directions
Simultaneously, being pushed
All at once, to heal, to forgive 
To get back 
To normal

I was assaulted the summer I turned 14
I was made to describe it again and again
So I could heal
Forgive
Get back 
To normal

I was assaulted again 6 months later
I didn’t tell 
I was focused on healing
And getting back to 
Normal

And with all this
I didn’t get a chance to 
Grow into myself
I was frozen in my trauma
I huddled into my pain and stayed there
I marked myself
I put myself in danger 
I hurt people
All in the name of feeing better

I didn’t stop 
To look outside myself
To notice that 
I was straying further 
From getting better
The harder I dug my nails
Into what felt good
The more I ended up feeling 
Nothingness