Hey. 25 year old M, a doctor. I have had trouble with the idea of living in the past, fell into the bottomless pit of alcohol and weed as a student, nonetheless graduated without a bump in the road and often felt like killing myself. Attempted once in a for of rage under the influence but a friend came to rescue. Abused antidepressants and anti psychotics. Never decided to visit a psychiatrist because always had this impersonator complex, feeling so fake evn when typing this as if do I have a real problem or am I just faking it. I have been mentally well from the start of the year upto a couple of months ago but the urge to kill myself just doesn't go away. Anytime I feel bad about something, my internal narration goes like "well not for long because I am going to kill myself". I am not even scared, I just feel like I have forgotten to feeling of a lasting happiness or joy. I snap out of happy moments into a pit of despair and nihilism in seconds. Actually I did read a lot of nihilist and pessimist literature at one point which helped me cope with the ideas pf futility of existing and help me relax but now it just seems like I don't have much time. Just wanted to share this here because I tried telling this to a few people and idk, i just feel like I am crying for attention or I get off of burdening people emotionally. There's this guy feeling of imminent end, like my mind is fixated to the idea of commiting suicide in near time. Idk what I should do. I just wanted to let it out.