idek how to explain this but I'm going to try. Sorry this is so long..

This is **very embarrassing** but here we go....(I'm sorry I'm so fucking mean, I don't know how to stop??!! But I do want to stop because I know it's not healthy)

***It make me feel good when something bad happens to one of my friends (or anyone really..)***

I'm horrible, I'm honestly such a mean bitch.

**I think and say mean, extremely horrible things about everyone about 70/80% of the time. No joke**.

It's like an impulse I cannot control..

I'm so horrible..

I don't know if the entire reason for these feelings is jealously, or if I have more of a problem mental health wise than I thought..

I do feel empathy but rarely...and I'm extremely selfish. 

I've always been like this. Even as a child..

It is scary as I am aware that I'm thinking nasty, horrible, twisted things about people I am suppose to love and care for, but 70% of the time if something bad happens to them/in their life...I don't care, like not a single fuck is given, infact...it makes me feel good...

Even when something happens to one of my friends that is the same or similar to something negative I've experienced, I still have very little or no compassion for them, it just pisses me off and winds me up rather than making me want to help. 

It makes me hate them and makes me pleased that the bad thing happened to them. 

 I think this may be because when bad things happen to me no one cares, I look for evidence that they care but they don't after 1 day, they say the normal "oh that is horrible, I'm here if you need to talk" but then they don't talk to me, and for days, weeks after they don't ask how I am, they just continue as if nothing has happened...

Is this me not feeling valued?

Is this jealously? 

**An example is:**

My friend lost their job a few months ago and it make me feel amazing, I was pleased, it make me smile, made me feel SO GOOD, made me laugh...kept me going for a few days (I know this is fucked up, I'm trying to fix my messed up brain)

This particular friend has never been mean to me, never ever and I actually miss them because we aren't as close as we use to be because my mental health is so bad so I have distanced myself from pretty much everyone and no one reaches out to me anymore LOL

I tried to figure out why it made me happy that they lost their job, and I think is it because they have BPD too but are able to be productive ALL the time, no joke, ALL the time they are progressing at something and becoming successful when I find it such a struggle to do more than 7 things each day and split on people all the time (they got another job like 2 weeks later, lucky fucker)

I bleed my heart dry on Twitter because I need to get it out and express it without raging in real life and tweeting it all quickly helps some of the time. 

They all follow me but always ignore my tweets, and make sly digs that I don't reply to them often when we meet up in person (so glad I can use COVID as an excuse, don't wanna see them) 

I look for facts that they care but I don't find any. Because they are horrible too. They don't care about me when bad things happen to me, well it doesn't seem as if they care. They don't care as much about me as they do each other

**for example:**

one of my friends is very ill, and my friends in question don't care, they don't ask about him despite him being very ill and him being my best friend of over 10 years...he is close to death...but if something that isn't as life threatening happens to them people ask in the group chat again and again if they are ok, but they never ask me when bad things happen to me?

Is this jealousy? do I just want to be cared for? Do I just want someone to actually ask how I am? 

My life is a living fucking hell every day, and theirs isn't (yes, ok people struggle with their own things and own problems but trust me none of them have bad mental health like me, not at all, and the things they moan about are so fucking pathetic, yes that sounds mean but they are pathetic compared to the shit I deal with on an hourly basis, I don't express this to them I just offered a shoulder to cry on when they need it, but I hope they never talk to me about their problems/bad things because I simply do not fucking care) 

I'm constantly worried about money because I cannot work as much as they can due to mental health, they have their own savings, they have really good careers and actual talent, I don't even have savings and they don't have half the issues I have so maybe when they suffer it makes me feel good? but why does it make me feel good?

Another friend of mine smashed up their new car.

They are ok thankfully, but damn it made me feel good, it made me feel as if they deserved it?

I don't know why, but once again it made me smile, and laugh and made me feel good about myself? 

It makes me feel great they did that, all these negative feelings that they will feel from smashing up their car themselves makes me feel amazing.

They will feel guilt. Good, so they should.

They will feel stupid, good they are fucking stupid. 

They will have to pay to get it fixed, good. 

They told people they did that to their car and people will always know, and remember, good. 

They will feel shame, perfect. so they should.

Do these things make me feel good because it is showing me that others are not perfect either, that others make mistakes and bad things happen to us all? 

When communicate something bad has happened to them it makes me feel good.

**Another example:**

One of my friends family members died recently too, and guess what? I do not care. 

Not one bit, I do not care. I don't even know how to pretend to care, I cannot be bothered to do all that "here if you need me" shit because I don't care!!

Am I just a full blown BITCH? I think I'm a bitch who deserves to rot personally, but what do you think? 

Can anyone else relate?

I try to care, I try to be more compassionate, I try to think about "*oh what if that happened to me"* but I still don't care. It's scary.

I don't ever 'go off' in the group chat either, my friends in this group chat I am talking about have never seen me have a breakdown, I have never argued or gotten angry at any of them EVER. 

They don't even know I have BPD amongst other things. I don't see the point in telling them because it doesn't achieve anything.

It's not just my friends either, if bad things happen to random people I don't care either, it either makes me feel good or makes me feel nothing at all, not even sadness or compassion.

I don't know if there is a reason I feel like this but if anyone has any insight I'd really appreciate it. 

p.s I go to therapy, I read self help books, I eat well, get a good amount of sleep each night and I have always always been like this, since I can remember I've been like this. 

I want to change because this is disgusting behaviour and I don't want to be such a weirdo anymore.

Does anyone else feel like this?

What can I do to change for the better?!