*alright hello, i'm kind of in this weird, dissociative state as of right now so if i sort of make no sense, that's pretty much why. i'm also very bad at discussing and explaining my feelings, so if the post is much longer than it should be--again, sorry. i'm gonna try and explain this as in depth as i am willing to just so it makes SOME sense, but if it doesn't, i'm sorry and i'm also willing to answer anything that you might be confused about. onto this train-wreck of a post!!*

\~

i've been starting to split on my boyfriend recently. it hasn't fully gotten to the point where i completely can't stand him, but it seriously is getting there. i was talking about it in therapy today, since things have been getting horrible recently (just in life). 

i hate how i take things too personally. don't worry, my boyfriend hasn't said anything rude or negative towards me: but because i'm scared of losing him, every little thing he does "wrong" gets to me. like him saying he would be at my place at a certain time then not being there for another hour (or even longer), for example. then my paranoid ass thinks he's cheating, or just doesn't wanna spend as much time with me as he used to, he's sick of me, etc. then i start to push him away.

once i start to push him away then that's when things get worse, because then he thinks i'll leave him (he has ocd which manifests itself in a couple different ways, but for the sake of this post i'm talking about how it manifests in reassurance), or that i'm going to self-harm, or that i'll try to attempt again. then he asks me over and over again if i'm okay, if i'm sure, and if i'm telling the truth. then i get annoyed at this, and stop speaking, and even end up dissociating. 

once i start to dissociate, he doesn't know what to do. i sit and stare at something until i can somehow get back into myself. but while he is asking those questions while i just don't want to answer, i start to get angry. and i get so angry that i start to push him off me or ignore him completely, then he's back at his place for a couple days, and i miss him, then the days he's back he's late. then i start to feel that feeling of paranoia, that he's doing something without telling me.

**then i start to split.**

i just don't know what to do. it's hard for me to open up to someone face to face (it's an effect on how my mom would react when i would tell her things, i'm trying to work on it) so when i'm starting to dissociate and not answer him i feel like shit, but i can't help it. i feel like i'm being interrogated. and once i finally start to feel a little better, the one little thing he does "wrong" makes me so angry yet so scared at the same time. i don't know what to do. i don't want to sound like some clingy girlfriend---even though i pretty much know i am. i just want to be with him all the time but i know it isn't possible. and i'm even more scared for when he goes to college in august because he'll be so far. 

kind of just stuck in this spiral, and i don't know what to do. i'm just so lonely because i made myself feel this way--and i can't stop! i just do this to myself. i want him to know that i love him but i know right now it doesn't seem or feel that way because i get so angry at such minute things. i don't even feel normal.