So, for a little bit of backstory : I live in a european country. Last year, I started studying medicine but the way it works in my country is that they take 1500 to 2000 people in first year but there are only about 300-400 spots for 2nd year. So … I failed because I was just constantly panicking. I had no choice but to go study engineering because I was only accepted in engineering school. But I can’t stand school anymore. I don’t hate education. I would love to educate myself further. My dream is also to be able to buy myself a house where I could just be happy and have my own little space, but of course I need money for that. My issue is that I cannot stand school. I sob during online classes, I can’t focus, and somehow it seems like this patterned was created in my brain where opening a math notebook immediately leads to me having su*cidal thoughts. Then I sob, I panic, I have no energy left, and I cannot study. People think I just lack « motivation », but I feel like I’m digging deeper and deeper every week. I have a therapist who only seems to think that I dislike school, and I am too scared to tell her how I really feel because I find myself ridiculous and not qualified to actually tell a mental health professional about my mental health because she knows and I don’t. I made friends at school, but the more time passes, the less I talk to them because I just don’t have the energy to pretend. Sorry if I’m renting for too long, but I’m really lost …