My mom has always treated me very differently from how she treats my brothers. When I was a kid, she raised me very strictly and coldly and I never felt exactly loved. Her entire demeanor changed when my younger brother was born, but she started being kind only to him.


I'm 21 now and I still live with my mom, stepdad and my brothers. I help her around the house, I help my brothers with studying and I attend university because my mom wanted me to even though she knows how much I struggle with school and I'm the only one who defends her and protects her from my abusive stepdad. I've always tried to be the perfect daughter because I can't bring myself to hate my mom, but no matter how hard I try to reach her expectations, she seems to hate me more and more.


Whenever I try to make decisions for myself, she tells me that I'm gonna ruin my life and she makes decisions for me instead. Whenever something's wrong, she blames me for it. Even when it comes to ridiculous stuff like using up toilet paper. She blames me for using it all up even though we all use the toilet, obviously. When the dishwasher isn't loaded, she yells at me even though my brothers (aged 15 and 10) don't do any chores whatsoever and could help me out when I'm busy. My brother broke a cup earlier today and she got angry at me for it. She lets my brothers be rude to me, but when I try to lecture them that it's wrong to talk to me that way, she tells me to shut up. It's as if she can't stand to hear my voice. Up until recently whenever my brother said he's thirsty, she'd yell at me for not keeping his water bottle full at all times even though he's old enough and perfectly capable of getting water himself. My brothers are spoiled and whenever they do something wrong it's my fault. When I mention that she treats me completely differently than she treats my brothers, she always replies with "every child needs to be raised differently." But the thing is, I was a very well-behaved and quiet child. What really topped everything off and convinced me that she really does despise me was when my stepdad was gaslighting her and I stood up for her, but she actually beat me up for standing up for her and broke my glasses in the process. She apologized for it but she later came to tell me that I tore her hair out while she was beating me up and that I should be the one apologizing. 


Despite being treated like crap every single day, I still go to her for advice and tell her I love her. My mood depends on how she treats me. When she's angry with me, I spiral into a breakdown and loathe myself. Deep down I'm very aware of how badly she treats me, but my brain just keeps acting as if nothing has ever been wrong whenever she's in a good mood. I don't know how to stop thinking that way. I don't know how to stop loving her and how to stop thinking that it's okay for her to treat me worse than garbage.