After a really bad breakup and more than a couple months of grieving and isolation I met the most amazing girl. She’s honestly almost perfect. 
We have now been dating a little over 8 months. We had talked about her going to visit my family with me during Spring Break and she was on board as long as she could get her passport from her overprotective parents house. Well, the time was coming around and she told me she wasn’t going to be able to go since she was not going to have a chance to get her passport. 

This was maybe a month ago or so. 

I went bonkers. I got so upset that she had told me she would go and continued leading me on even though she deep down knew she wasn’t going to be able to go. I basically pushed her so much to the point that she felt like it was best to break up, so she did break up with me, as we are both not “mentally healthy enough to be together” - her words. 

It hurt like a bitch. She knew the pain I went through before and she broke up with me because I blew up. However, I immediately recognized my mistake and gave her her space. A couple days after we talked things out and got back together. She thanked me for the understanding and the space and mentioned she didn’t want to break up initially but since I pushed her, she took that route. Since then things have been going smoothly, I can feel her love and how much she cares for me and tries to understand. 

The problem is that now, when anything that makes me upset comes up I’m scared to even say anything. I’m scared that I won’t be able to control my anger and blow up again, I’m scared that I will say the wrong thing and she will run again. She tells me how she feels like I’m holding the fact that she broke up with me over her head but I can’t stop thinking about it every time things upset me. I try to remain calm and not say anything, I do it so much I’m scared I will get an ulcer or something. I trust her and I know she wouldn’t be with me if she didn’t want to, however sometimes people can let go of the things they love if they’re not good for them. 
She often tells me she wants me to open up and tell her how I feel but my emotions and *how I feel them* change so often, I’m scared to tell her what’s on my mind, what if she leaves me? 
Don’t get me wrong, I will open my mouth if it’s something major, per se, but something small -that still, infuriates me- is just too risky. 

I know I shouldn’t change or hold back my feelings for anyone but I’m so so scared to over do it. I don’t know how to express myself properly without her feeling like I don’t understand her or the boundaries she has set. 

I’m scared that this relationship will lead me to heartbreak again because of my toxic disorder and behavior. 

I will leave it at this. I’m now crying on a public bus.