I aways had problems in socializing, most of my life until now (20y btw) I was at home just watching random videos, movies, anime and series and playing video games.


During my life since teenager, I heard a lot of negativity surrounding my country, a lot of racism, especially in high school, everyone said that people here were dishonest snakes, potential criminals, dumb, non educated, not taking anything seriously, unpolite, non civilized and just wanted to party and mess, incompetence is the norm, fucking everything. It was making me sick, tired, disturbed, traumatized, I had brakedowns, MANY TIMES I got out of class and locked into the bathroom when I sensed that they would start to talk about politics. People here have an imense inferiority complex, making dumb stereotypes and memes, aways brute comparing countries, stating that they are much better and that people there were actually decent.

I feel brainwashed and indoctrinated.


I became paranoid, I aways smell this, anticipating the bulshit that will come out outside of their mouths, it makes me not trust people, I cant form bonds with people because I am so sensitive that they can easily be "marked" by me, I cant even look into eye contact with them, especially when they talk about this. I even avoid checking content from here, because I am aways afraid of what they might say, I had many episodes where randomly youtubers spilled that bulshit out of nowhere and I never forget it.

Every time when I watch series, I am aways comparing countries, I dont like it but it is an obsession that I have to make sure that everything they say is false.


It also comes A LOT from home, my dad is a sick politics fanatic, all the time he is talking about politics in an echo chamber, hearing audios and opinions of idiots, aways lacking any form of logic or nuance, his comments disturb me, I feel personally attacked, multiple times I start to yell at my dad, scream really hard telling him to stop with this cruelty, I cant even have a reasonable discussion that I get so hurt by this that I become desperate.


Recently, my dad was talking about cultural chocks from other countries and he said that Americans see here as just a garden, a playground, lacking any form of respect. This messed with me, because it created a voice within me that says that the people I see on Internet (mostly Americans) think that, and it makes me surrounded by abusers. I know it isnt right, and I am doing my best to not hear nationalism propaganda, but when everyone around me says this, I uncousciously think they are right.

I also dont like its culture, I hate almost all of its music, I dont fit in, I dont have a national identity, thanfully, I live in a city that is pretty neutral and normal, so it doesnt feel so bad.


I hadnt really spoke about this with anyone, I am very afraid of what people might say.

The funny part is that what they are saying isnt even true, my country definitely isnt bad, everything that they say isnt true, people are moral and ethic, progress runs ranpant, everyone has cars and smartphones, I watch people I did know and on Tinder, everyone seens to have a prosperous life, many of them going to colleges, most of them MUCH BETTER than me.

In response of all this, I created a coping mechanism, I am against nacionalism, I dont believe in nationality, I HATE any traditional value, the idea of culture for me is opressive, I have a very positive look on the world, where progress is inevitable and only increases, and I am totally against on segregating countries, what really matters on average is the age we are, not the place. I have an extremely global view, seeing humanity as one, I am a philosopher, so my rejection of social subjects is very present, and I see current problems as TRIVIAL, they only matter now, not in the future, which complements my historic determinism. I know I am extremely biased, but I do my best to put logic in my ideas.


I suffer from this for 6 years already, in two days, I will also go to college to do psychology, I feel very nervous especially because I am afraid to hear bulshit, to feel betrayed and to find stereotypic people, where no one gives a shit about anything.


TLDR: inverse nationalism is making me paranoid and afraid of meeting new people and socialize.