I (18f) have become very depressed over the past 2 years. I used to wake up for school at literally 4:30am every day to have a healthy breakfast and do some studying or homework before school. I’d come home and rest a bit, then do more studying and eat well. I would even exercise every single night before I went to bed.

That kind of routine is completely alien to me now, and I have no idea how I’ve had this  downfall. Now, I’m lucky if I’m up before 7:30 (which leaves me with 20mins to get ready). I go to school, come home and lay in bed. I just pass the hours by going on my phone, watching stuff, or reading. I eat poorly and do absolutely no exercise. I stay up late because I dread the start of the next day, only to leave myself with 4-5 hours of sleep which makes the day even harder. I do not study outside of school. On weekends I sleep for 12 hours and do pointless things during the day.

What has happened to me? I haven’t had a major life event that has left me this way, but I am just void of motivation and interest in things I used to do. I sit here thinking how great it was when I did all of those things and how I should probably do them again, but I just cannot get myself to do anything. This is particularly bad because I will be doing my A levels this year (exams which I need to get into university) but I just don’t care enough to study. Again, I lay in bed thinking that I should and need to study, but I just don’t. I am somehow lucky enough to be getting As with my minimal effort, but I’m afraid that this won’t hold up for the real thing. One thing that I do want is to go to university. Honestly, I think that my grades will end up being fine, but either way I hate myself for living like this and letting myself down.

How do I get back to being the person that I used to be? I know that people always give the advice of ‘force yourself to do it’ but I just don’t have it in me. I have even lost interest in things like music which I used to love so much. 

The thought of how different I’ve become just depresses me even more. I think this change got bad after I noticed how ‘detached’ I was starting to feel around 7(?) months ago. Like, nothing feels real to me, and so naturally it feels like nothing matters. As unreal as everything seems, I can’t deny that the way I’m living and feeling is terrible and I don’t want this. 

I’m not sure what the point in posting this is, but maybe someone can relate, or leave some advice or comforting words :) Thanks for reading my rant haha
Also, didn’t read this back, so sorry if anything doesn’t make sense !