Cw: mention of self harm and sui 

So I woke up vomiting this morning, and I had work. I got this job a little over a month ago, so I felt bad about calling out. I panicked and broke down about whether or not I shouldn't, called myself useless and every horrible name in the book. Finally, I called out. The second time in a month and a half of a new job. I had mental breakdown and started cutting and have considered taking my life, all over calling out. And then, in just minutes, I felt calm and like nothing was ever wrong. Which now has me feeling guilty about cutting and crying, which I know will lead me to crashing again. I hate how tumultuous my emotions are. I hate how unreliable I am. I hate what I failure I am. Sure, I'm physically ill today, but there's been times where it was mental breakdowns, crying, hell wanting to crash my car at the thought of just being alive. Not to mention I gave rehearsal tonight for a play. What do I do with that??? I've called out of that from illness and mental breakdowns too. Like fuck, why would I plan for a life or a career if I know I'm just going to ruin all of it? I feel exhausted from being alive. Some days I want to just lay in bed and do nothing until I die, because that's all I can reliably do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.