For all of my life I've been unhappy. No, not unhappy. There is a better word for what I feel but I don't know what it is. It's bigger than trauma and depression. It's more than just wanting to end it all. More than just not wanting to exist. 

 Getting gifts for birthdays and holidays made me sad. Outings, school, being forced to go to church, eating...everything that someone should be grateful for, it truly makes my heart ache. 

There's that damn word "Grateful". "Be grateful that you get to go to school". "Be grateful that I adopted you". "Be grateful". "BE GRATEFUL". How can I be grateful for a life that I didn't want? How can I be grateful to have suffered abuse from teachers and bullies from 1st to 12th grade? How can I be grateful to be adopted into a family...to a life of emotional and mental abuse? To be, basically, made to feel like I owe my life to a hateful bitch who held my adoption over my head? How can I be grateful to be able to go to church when I never believed in god? To be touched by old men in white robes telling me that god is watching me? How can I be happy and grateful for a life that I should never have had? 

Dear readers, I am a broken woman. And what I just wrote is at least 5% of what is going on inside and outside of my head. Each and everyday I feel like I'm losing the mask, the black blanket, the cold barrier that I set for my own safety and survival. I constantly wander around without direction, zoned out and find myself in places I don't recognize. I have days were I feel out of body, where I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I cry, then laugh, then talk to myself, then sleep. How can I be grateful for this? 

Medication after medication. Nothing works. One thing gets cured then 5 new problems come up. Problems that I didn't realize that I had. Problems that even my therapist cannot help me with. How can I be grateful for this? 

Everyday I feel like I'm a burden. I feel egotistical, yet I truly don't care about myself. I put on makeup, yet in the ugliest person in the world. I buy alcohol to drown and numb the pain, I grieve when it's gone. I'm promiscuous, yet sex is so damn repulsive it makes my stomach hurt. So many things that I think and do that contradict how I really feel. How can I be grateful for this? 

I'm worn out. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of surviving. I'm terrified of losing all of the masks I have made for myself because my original face doesn't exist. I'm terrified of losing the shield, the wall, everything I have done...everything I did to keep away the thoughts of the past. The worst part is that I have learned to like the pain. I've learned to expect it, look for it, feed off of it. I feel like one day I will have had my fill and turn into a monster. My biggest fears somehow become a safety blanket for me. The sounds of my old cries lull me to sleep. The bruises and my scars have become beauty marks. The trauma has become my the temple I worship at daily. 

Dear reader, I am fucked up and I think that I was born this way. True, the trauma was environmental and due to years of abuse, emotional neglect and an over all bad life, bur I truly believe I was born to suffer. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. There is no green grass, sunny days, happy thoughts, or gumdrops. All I have are my "woe is me" tales, my major depression, trauma, and the ever constant physical pain I feel everyday from It these things. 

I don't know what the whole point of this post is. Actually, I don't have a point to make. I don't expect anyone to listen, to comment, to read this with an open mind and not think me an abomination. But, I thank you for your time. 

And if anyone cares to know, I am safe and in a safe place. I have a therapist, psychiatrist, and social worker. Thank you for your time.