Switched meds and feeling a bit all over the place. Haven’t been able to shake the urge to smoke weed for over a week. I mean I normally have a low desire but it’s been pretty high recently. I could easily get it, legal here. I’ve been mildly high several times in the last 2 years and pretty high once. All times recently have gone fine, in all honesty the time I got pretty high actually led to me feeling good for like 2 months. I’ve had some bad times in the past with it. Probably part of the reason I’m diagnosed with schizophrenia now.

The main reasons I want to smoke is for the experience and the challenge. Like I want to prove to myself that I’m strong enough now to be better this time. I also think it’ll make me less depressed. I definitely crave it though.

It’s gone bad some times in the past so I’m kinda skeptical. Don’t want to become delusional again. Don’t want to put my family though shit, or potentially be hospitalized. Realistically those are really small chances but I fear what way it could go.

I know I’m not going to be able to hold this urge forever. Whether it’s now or a year what’s the difference. Honestly maybe less to lose right now.

Anyways just a struggle.