I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I used to feel religious but honestly- if there is a god I hate it now. My backs injured to where I can barely walk and the pain is severe. I've had two surgeries so far and each one has only made my pain worse. The last hospital stay I was in so much pain I would have killed myself if I had been able to move just to escape it. I spend most of my time in bed or struggling to do anything I enjoyed before my injury. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels- I have  medical mj card but it's so expensive that it's almost impossible to do. I just want to curl into a ball and wait to stop breathing, I hate my life, I hate my body, and everything here lately seems like it's trying to make things worse.