The last 3 months I've been in a really bad spot. A bad situation happened which caused me to quit all substances entirely and the situation also caused me to lose the girl I was with. It would take too long to explain but the situation was just so avoidable. One little slip up really caused my life to tank and I don't know how long it's going to be until I'm happy again. I hate myself for fucking up and I'm trying to forgive myself but it's just so damn hard when you know that the reason you are unhappy right now is because you failed yourself.

Lately I just feel like I have nothing to really look forward to in the present. I don't do anything for fun anymore. The only enjoyment I derive out of life comes from me working on myself. I hate going to work but at the same time I don't really like days off because if I have more than a couple hours of free time I tend to get really sad and feel regretful. I'm more than 100 days sober now which is the longest amount of time ever since the first time I used a substance almost 4 years ago now. I've also been working out pretty much perfectly (I'm an exercise science major) and eating extremely clean and healthy. I make sure to get 8 hours of sleep every night too. All this is nice but it feels like it's all I have to look forward to. Just constantly focusing on being strict with my good habits distracts me from all the bad thoughts but damn I wish I could just go back and hang with her again or get fucked up with my friends again. Whenever I'm hanging out with people I struggle to have fun doing it. I do it because it helps pass the time and it's good for me but shit doesn't feel like it used to.

I miss her so much too. It makes me feel so awful I don't understand why I can't just get over her. When we "broke up" it was kind of a mutual thing that I needed to work on myself that neither of us wanted to but that she couldn't be in a relationship where someone would do what I did to myself and that I need to work on myself and we could maybe try again. I did the work on myself and sobered up but the emotional issues are still there. I know she's gotten over me and I don't know how seriously but I know she's talking to someone else now. It makes me feel so weak that she can get over me so easily and that I can't do the same after months. I think I just wanted to feel cared about whether I got that from a person or a substance and I lost both of those within 48 hours. I have so many emotional scars from substance use and from growing up and now I don't have anything to help me feel better from that. Like I just want a fucking hug and someone to tell me I'm ok whether it's a person or a drug.

I don't even really know where I'm going with this but I just needed somewhere to let it out. I know things get better as times goes on but I just can't take months more of this cause at the rate it's going its gonna be at least a few more months till I feel relatively better. And I know I just need to forget her and talk to someone new but I'm just awful at starting new relationships. I'm such a shy guy and have a really hard time meeting people and even if I do keeping a good conversation with them especially now that I'm sober. The only reason it worked with her was because she was always really understanding of me until the very end and not a lot of girls seem to be like that. If anyone has any advice on things I can do to further improve I'm open to them cause if I get anything out of all I've been going through I just want to grow as a person.