I hate people. I hate living. Im 19. I joined the army to try and stop feeling like a piece of shit and do something with my life but 3 months in i stopped caring and just wanted to die.. A month ago I was in the army and  put a loaded pistol to my head. I was tackled at the range and here I am, now separated. I hate myself. I am fucking worthless. I dont know why I exist. Ive been trying to move past it, trying to be better. I just feel alienated from everyone else. I want to live all by myself and not talk to anyone at all, though I know that would probably drive me crazy. But that's fine, I like making choices which set me further back. Anything that brings me closer to going crazy is fine by me. IDK what to do, I don't think I could kill myself by any other means than shooting myself (and oding on drugs), thankfully I dont have that means accessible. I tell myself I shoulda just pulled that trigger when I had the chance.  


I can't feel the love of others, and I know I will be alone forever. Im just a lost cause. The more I think about the amount of work and help I need the more I panic and freak out. I dont know how to handle this. I just feel like words dont help anymore. I hear all sorts of flowery advice and talked to many psychiatrists and therapists in the army, it didnt really help all that much. I dont have much money, and the big advice i get is get more therapy? Its just a lose-lose situation. Im tired of existing in a environment thats working against me. IDK why I try. IDK why I go through things. I hate everyone. People suck. I feel so inferior and incapable, seeing everyone else in my life go on to do big things and improve their lives, and I struggle to just exist. I feel like such a piece of shit. I hate myself.