Before i write this you should know this is all online/online friends.

A little back story, i had this friend and her name was K.

It took me over a year to warm up with her because i am naturally a vey closed off person. Im nervous to be myself and have a deep seeded fear of rejected and how i mentally act on that fear so i typically take FOREVER to really open myself up to people. BUT i finally reached a moment with her where i did feel close and we did a lot together, games, deep talks, etc. I finally accepted her to be a rly good friend of mine and i got attached.

So while we were building a bond i was also getting more involved with twitch, made a channel, and surprisingly grew a little bit. I think me having a twitch inspired her to do so herself, i told her she would actually enjoy it, you'd get to meet people and have fun on your favorite games all at the same time. I helped her with her own twitch, i raided her, i supported her, my community was involved with her as they all knew she was a close friend of mine.

Well shortly after she made her twitch she ended up blocking me and i couldnt tell you why. She came in my channel wanted to say hello, i said my hellos ( but i will be honest i was very distracted that day and wasn't able to be hype with her and be like, OMG HI.) I think my blandness of my hello might have bothered her (?), but she ended up leaving shortly after with a, "alright. bye."

I knew something was up as she tweeted 4 anti friend tweets, "idk why i care about people anymore/ if you look closely you can tell in small ways people dont fck with you."

I KNEW this was about me and i had a really hard time that night, i was fairly depressed and crying in the shower, i tried not to assume it was about me tho (to cope lmao)

i was hoping she would contact me the next day to talk about why she was so bothered with me. Well, she didnt. The next day was my birthday (sep 19th)  she sent me a very bland and bored snap voice message wishing me a happy birthday. I knew something was up at this point becuz she usually sounds so hype and excited, so i responded back saying, " why does that message sound so....off....thank you....bye." And BOOM she blocked me from EVERYTHING.

Im still upset about it, the first two weeks i was obsessed, looking at what shes doing what shes saying. She just acted so normal and happy like blocking me out did not effect her at ALL. Which hurt me MORE to see as i gave a shit and i cared and i put myself in this vulnerable spot just to get fcked over by something who seems like they never really cared.

Anyways, i later found out from other people that she was supposedly leaching off me from twitch and thats as far as i'll go into with that. But it has taken me a good while to totally separate myself from anything that ties with her (as my community was around her).

ANYWAYS, that was two months ago, not as deeply upset but still very hurt/annoyed.

SO, before me and her got close she was close with a guy friend who she also ghosted and his name is hyuubs. I had met hyuubs FROM K and him and I were still friends after the fact.

He recently talked to me about them becoming friends again, he is very aware of our situation and agrees that she is selfish and a shit person, but claims he is the type of person to give second chances.

I simply told him i hope it works out, he knows what he's doing and if he wants to take that chance thats all him. I dont hate him for his choice, if anything i told him i think it makes him a good person. Everyone in this world has flaws, K has issues like anyone else, he is just being more forgiving and i give him props for that. I wish i could be that same person, but mentally i am not strong enough when it comes down to an attachment i had that gets burned.

Hyuubs also now wants to do twitch and make his own discord for it and all of this stuff which i think is super exciting, BUT he mentioned K and I in there and that's when i told him....

"Im going to be honest, i dont think i can be in a discord or ur channel when she is in there. It doesnt make me comfortable and its just going to rot my mood. I want to support you and be apart of what you will be trying to do but im sorry i cant if shes there."

He told me he would block her then, he would rather have me in there. He said, " well ez, i will block her. If i have to choose i choose you.'

Once he said that it made me really uneasy, i dont want him to HAVE to choose, i think that makes ME sound very selfish. I know though that mentally i cannot be in there with her. I cant be in his channel when i see her ignoring me and going " OH TEHEEH GOOD PLAYS" it just....no. I cant.

&amp;#x200B;

I told him lets not worry about it right now and when the time gets closer to when he actually streams we will see, maybe my mind will be different. ...I know my mind will not be different. i dont want to associate anything related with her, i need to properly exclude myself. I dont like to gamble on my own emotions especially as my emotions can be very intense.

Now this was two days ago, ive woken up and was rethinking about it; lets just say he does bloock her and Hyuubs and my community are already familiar with eachother and apart of eachother and he decides to bring K back and now shes apart of all of that which ties in with me, again.

I'm just trying to decide whats best for me in this situation. If I should just cut out hyuubs in order to completely cut off anything that could tie in back with K?

&amp;#x200B;

I know this sounds like a lot of silly stuff, but i already have a very hard time with relationships with people because of my emotions. This is why im so naturally guarded because once i care about someone im completely invested in that relationship, that feeling of closeness and when someone rejects, blocks throws me away it feels like a death to me. I relapse, i get deeply depressed, stressed, paranoid, blah blah.  In order for me to just MOVE ON and be myself again and not worry what K is doing i NEED to detach myself from all ties.

&amp;#x200B;

Would I be selfish for making hyuubs choose? would I be ever more selfish to cut ties off with him also? Should i even cut ties with him?