I’ve been battling depression for 35 years. Over the years I’ve been on so many medications, talked to so many people and read so much. But here I am, 50 and in the exact same place I was when I was 15. I’m about to lose my job, I just got rejected from another company, got divorced a few months back and now I’m totally alone. My ex-wife has taken my family. She painted herself as the victim to them. My girlfriend is great, but she suffers from depression also. Our relationship is full of love and turmoil. It’s exhausting. 

I’ve tried to get help. I swear I have. But with Covid, doctors are either booked out months or just not taking on patients. I cannot get the help I need because I don’t have “good insurance”. The cards are stacked against me. 

Self harm - A lot of people reading this will relate. I do not have the ability to take my life. But I think about it more than I should. I know the schtick, “You have so much to live for!”, “It’s a permanent solution…”, “How would XXXX feel if you weren’t around?” Here’s the thing…I’ve reached out to these people who care, and it’s all platitudes. It’s bullshit they feel they need to say. So I can’t think of a reason not to, but I would never be able to. 

I really don’t have anyone to talk to, so I post here. I know it’s like yelling at the clouds, but it’s all I got. Thanks Reddit