I always self sabotage my relationships and sometimes it makes me wonder if I’ll ever actually have a long term relationship longer than my 3 year one . In which was miserable and I trauma bonded with him .

I constantly want the feelings of the dating for the first few weeks , it’s so exciting and the thrill gets me everytime . 
The man I’m with now I love dearly however he’s toxic and I know I am too , I admit I would pick fights but he would start them to for no reason , call me crazy tell me I need to get help and that I’m nuts and my brain is “ fucked “ in his words . I know I don’t deserve that .

I’ve apologized every single time I’ve been rude or mean to him , yet he never apologizes and blames it all on me . I think I crave the new relationship feeling because there’s a point when you become comfortable with someone and if I just keep that feeling , and different people I won’t ever have to keep going through this again . 

I feel really lonely right now . I don’t have any friends . My FP is my mom . She’s surely sick of hearing me , I just want a friend