I really want to believe that things will go for the better and that there are brighter days ahead but sometimes it feels really pointless and I feel like I am just walking around in the dark.

I genuinely want to have faith and believe that things will be better and I guess I will keep going even though I do feel like I just fuck up every chance I get anyways so whats really the point. 

I have a hard time interacting with others, I really deeply want to talk and socialise but I am so used to hiding myself that if someone seems to get ''too close'' to me I just completely shut off. I know this is not good, I should work on it. The idea of being vulnerable really scares me but at the same time I really crave genuine connections, but that won't happen, until I will actually have the guts to show myself and accept myself for who I am 

I am rambling right now but I just feel like maybe I will just be some sort of outcast forever, like I am always really awkward and I never really know what to say, but thats because even if people say one thing to me my brain completely shuts down and freezes. I have been belittled a lot for my appearance, the way I walk or talk I just feel like I am ''below'' others and I don't want to feel this way but I have this piece of shit mindset that tells me ''well people always belittled you so I mean maybe they are just speaking the truth?''

  
Sometimes I have days where I feel like I can manage and be more optimistic but I really wonder will it really lead to anything? I really hope so, I really really really hope so.  

Atleast, if things really go to shit I can atleast hide myself and not show myself again so there is that, even though that would make me really upset because really all I want is to be actually happy with myself and with life but I am really not sure if its possible for me. I have severe social anxiety to the point I think I might have avpd, but not diagnosed. I am also autistic which makes it personally the ''hill'' to start conversations a bit higher for me and I guess that makes me more awkward to begin with I guess. I really find it hard to talk to people my age and that just sucks. I know that has to do with the fact that I got belittled a lot for who I am in the past and I just feel like I don't really fit in anywhere.

I am trying my best to get out of this mindset, I really deeply want to, but I am just scared that I am just embarassing myself even further, but even then, why would I fucking care. I am just not sure if its possible because I really feel like an alien among people and that fucking sucks

Sorry this is a very rambly text but thats what I wanted to say