Nobody really wants to hang out with me, they all find a reason to say something about them being busy and having lot of work to do only for them to later then talk about a festival which they attended. At first I wanted to go to the festival with a group of friends then I was told by a friend of mine that he's cancelling it. I was bummed and I didn't really want to go alone. Later my friend just talked in a group chat how much he enjoyed the festival with his girlfriend and how long he was there. I wasn't really upset as I'm way too used to being lied to, just disappointed that he didn't have the guts to tell me straightforward that he wants to be with his girlfriend and just doesn't want extra people there.

Anyways after that I've tried arranging hang outs but obviously they all came up with "I don't know if that's a good date" or the "I'll see" and then say in the last minute that they can't for complicated reasons. And whenever I ask what are those reasons I usually just get yelled at for trying to pry my eyes into their private life, I had enough and told them that if they don't want to be with me than just grow a spine and say it. They were offended yet they didn't change. Still excuses and sometimes accept coming to the hang out but usually moan throughout the day when we'll be heading home.

I don't have any close friends that I'd feel comfortable sharing anything personal or how my medications aren't working, they are just a bit immature for these topics.

So here I'm rotting through June and just feeling overall down, moody and lonely. I've been hugging my pillow at night and just imagine that someone returns the desperate hug that I use on my pillow.

I would love to go outside by myself but I always get anxious, nervous and fear that a random stranger would begin either a conversation or would just beg money from me or ask a favor to buy him alcohol.