I take antidepressants, I eat my vegetables, I take multivitamins, I go to therapy, I force myself to exercise, I force myself to socialize, I force myself to paint or do something creative as often as I can, I’ve been sober for almost nine years, I go to AA meetings, I talk to a sponsor…and nothing shakes it loose. I don’t give a fuck about anything. I feel like I’m walking through pudding all the time. Everything feels slow and difficult and muffled. I’m tired of being sober. I want some relief. I drive around fantasizing about what it would be like to just be buried in the dirt. I fantasize about getting murdered. I fantasize about getting raped. My favorite part of the day is sleeping. I can’t remember anything. Everyone feels a thousand miles away.