Currently 16, turning 17 in a couple months. I left school when I was 14 due to intense suicidal tendencies, to the point that my safety was in danger, and was unable to return for a long time. On 27th of December, 2020, I stood on my balcony and threatened to jump off, but my family stepped in and managed to calm me down. That day, I made a decision to get better. I know how that sounds, but I really did make a decision. I made the choice to try. And try, I did. I attempted returning to school a few days later, and for fuck’s sake I really tried. I managed to do it. I stayed for a couple hours, and then left. I tried again the next day. And the next. Until I was able to go for a full month. Haven’t missed a day yet, since starting again. But I’m lying down right now, and I can’t help but feel so fucking angry. I’m so pissed at the fact that so many people don’t have to go through what I’m going through. So many people just get to worry about what grades they’re getting, or what girl they’re going to hit on next. But I have to sit here wondering whether I’m going to slit my wrists the next day. I’m so angry, and I don’t know how to control it. I feel nothing more, nor nothing less, than the intense desire to jump off the balcony right now. I know why I can’t, I need to be there for my family, but at the same time I really don’t know what to do, or maybe I just don’t want to know what to do. I’m sick of trying man, I’m so tired and I just want to fucking stop the pain. 

I’m not writing this for your pity or your sympathy. Please don’t write to me in private messages, I appreciate the sentiment but I’m so tired of it. I never really liked this subreddit, because I felt it didn’t really suit what I needed. But today I’m typing this because I want everyone to hear how I feel, and understand this is what BPD has done to me. Why do I want people to hear this? I don’t know. But here it is.