Hello Reddit. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, but it seems to only have gotten worse. Currently I'm in my late 20s. I have a job I enjoy, family willing to help me succeed (though they dismiss my depression), and a few good friends I can confide in. So I don't understand what drives me to feel this way. 

I noticed lately it's been especially bad at work. I'll have days where I'll randomly feel as if certain people are avoiding me because they can see right through me. I've worked at this place for years though and have a few coworkers I can call friends. They even celebrated my birthday last month. When I first told my parents about my depression in high school, my mom said not to let others know because I'll run them off. I've shut down since then and appear to some people as emotionless and cold, although there are a few people who understand me and enjoy my company after getting to know me. I was taking Lexapro for about a year then stopped because I felt like it wasn't doing anything for me. Today I've been having thoughts of ending everything, but I can't actually go through with it because I'm afraid of feeling pain. So I just feel stuck and the fact that I feel that there's no way out is torture. 

I'm thinking about going back to being on medication as well as seeing a counselor. I've tried to fight my depression with willpower alone and it hasn't been working out well for me. Thanks for reading.