I genuinely cant find motivation to get out of bed in the morning other than i need to. I dont like going to college, dont really like my major but there isnt really a major i like, so i just picked one for the sake of it. I stupidly picked nursing which is one of the most stressful majors ever and i think its making my depression worse. 

I got out of a class last night and i’ve heard there was some creep on campus at night. I secretly hoped i would get caught and my life would be ended by him because although i find my life really miserable i cant find it in me to take my own life, so i just hope and pray someone or something else with take it for me. 

Sometimes the world feel like a glass globe and im an observer on the side looking in. Like today in class, when my two classmates just had a full conversation over me, i sit in between them. And they just talked as if i wasnt there. But it wasnt like i could join their conversation because i had no idea what they were talking about so it wouldve been awkward for me to cram myself into their business. 

As you can probably tell, I dont really have many friends that i feel i can talk to. Its just a weird topic to bring up and honestly im not really that close to any of them. Every time i bring up something close to the topic id always have to play it off jokingly because the atmosphere would get kind of uncomfortable. I hate this feeling of loneliness in such a populated environment. And I just feel like im being a lazy brat sometimes because no one else seems to understand me and theyve all accomplished so much more than me, so it makes me feel like these are excuses for my own incompetence :/

I just needed to tell my feelings to someone, im sorry for the rant but thank you if youve made it all the way down🥹