I am noticing a pattern in myself that causes me pain, anxiety, and distress. I feel there has always been some form of drama, anxiety, all the alike in my life (I’m 30). It’s gotten better as I’ve aged, or perhaps I am more self aware, and that helps alleviate the behavior. Here’s an example; my recent bf and I broke up/separation/break, I don’t know what to call it. Of course, naturally, there’s pain involved, guilt, anxiety, etc. He has expressed that he thinks he’s pansexual, attracted to people regardless of their gender: (not with the breakup, I’ve known for a few years). We’re gay men, and have always dated men.. but his pansexuality has always made me insecure as I’ve compared myself to other genders; characteristics that I don’t have that he might be attracted to. I.e. breasts, hour glass figures… etc. 

I find myself obsessed with looking at other people and genders who possess characteristics and features that I do not, I feel insecure and some parallel feeling of jealousy?  It causes me a huge amount of distress; a pit in my stomach. The worse part is that it’s all in my head, but I look at a woman and imagine how perfect he and her would be. The features on her that he would enjoy. I look for people and imagine what I’ve described. Why do I do this? I can’t stop it. I can’t turn this behavior off. Why can’t I move on from this borderline intentional behavior?  It’s such a bad pattern. 

Thoughts?