I often feel a disconnect from my emotions. I thought I was just depressed, but I don’t feel sad, or hopeless or empty. I feel numb most the time. I do get doses of emotion but it’s more like experiencing hypo mania/hyper action rather than genuine happiness, or irritability/frustration over anger or sadness. 

I feel so numb that I (TW) turned to self harm at such a young age and now will abuse substances or risky sexual behaviour just to feel something. I’m honestly not to educated on dissociation, my impression of it was that it was like spacing out and being miles away - but I’ve read that depersonalisation and derealisation from my understanding are where you can interact to your surroundings but still not feel real, or like you’re actually there. 

Sometimes I go so long being mostly numb to how I feel, someone will cross boundaries with me and it can take months for me to finally realise I wasn’t okay with what they did and I’m upset with them for it. It’s hard for me to know what I really feel, and it heavily impacts my decision making because it’s not as if I don’t care... I just don’t know. I feel lost. Sometimes that does frustrate me, sometimes that makes me get so bored i turn to alcohol and substances just so I can do something crazy and watch the world around me burn, because you wants to watch a tv show with no drama? 

I should probably add that I have BPD, and a lot of childhood trauma though I feel pretty disconnected to that. 

Anyway, if anyone could offer me insight to dissociation, resources to conduct more research or even just advice on how to deal with this that’d be great