I am a 16 years old, I live in Europe, and i have been affected by depression, and suicidal thought for the past 4 years.

I have lived up to 14 years old in the city I was born (which I will call M), now I live in another city(which I will call B), very far from where i was born, and the quality of life here is better.

While i lived in M, I had, during middle school, only 2 friends, none of them very close, we would only talk at school,sometimes play videogames together, and very rarely hang out in the evening.

I also knew some people because I used to go to the sea, but even then, I felt excluded from the main group, I always had to be the one asking, and most of the time, people rejected my invites; once I stopped inviting, i was completely excluded from any activity which did not take place directly as the sea (ex. hanging out during the evening/early night, playing football together in the afternoon, or playing videogames together).

The same situation, where I had to be the one asking, and where i was ignored and excluded in general, happened with my basketball team (I am still living in M at this time, and I am 13 years old).

It is needed to say that during this time, I used to always be the best student in my class, I had very high grades, without ever being any teacher’s pet.

Now, between 13 and 14 years old, I go away to live in B, and no one asked where I was, how I was, everyone forgot about, everyone always forgets about me.

I get to B right before the start of school, obviously I do not know anyone, as expected and normal.

I start school, and I’m immediately not the best, nor the worst, slightly above average.
The situation remains like this up to the start of the covid quarantine, where everythings start to go downhill.


I start playing games during classes, eating, doing litterally anything else rather than paying attention.
I realize what I’m doing after 1 month, and I try my best to go back to how my grades were before the quarantine. It doesnt work, grades stay as shitty as they are, I keep studying, I keep going bad, I start to self harm, cutting myself on the inner thigh and near the veins on my wrist.
Some people see these cuts, no one asks anything,  no one asks how I am, if there is anything wrong. Nothing.

At this point, killing myself becomes the the only thing I think about, as I really, do not want to live like that anymore.

At the start of the summer of 2020, I met a girl online, living in the same country as I am, and I really enjoyed talking with her, she made me feel better, and when I talked to her, I almost forgot how bad my life was.
This is the time I stopped self harming.

On the 10th of september of 2020, I was sitting on a toilet, ready to swallow pills to stop my heart and finally end this.
But I didn’t. I didnt because of this girl I met online, I knew she would miss me. Now she forgot about me, everyone forgets about me, nobody really ever cared about me.

The year starts, and even after all the pain accumulated during the past year, I try my best, I study as much as I can, I studied whole days, sometimes at night. I do decent, barely enough to get promoted. 

During october, we go back to quarantine, I start to lose contact with this girl, slowly stopping messaging or talking. However, despite me not studying at all, my grades start to improve, only because at this point I was cheating on every exam.
I no longer want to kill myself, but going back to self harming becomes very tempting. But I didn’t. I did not cut myself. I do not know why, I have no idea why.

I will skip what happened during summer of 2021 as nothing really relevant needs to be said.

This school year starts, I’m doing enough in 70% of the subjects, while doing very bad in the other 30%, I want to die again, I have no one to talk to, I costantly argue with my mother about everything, she stops me from doing the sport I loved, swimming, because in her opinion, only team sports are real sports.

We keep arguing for months, she calls me a curse to her, a sentence, a lazy teenager who does not care about anything, an arrogant.

Now Christmas holidays start, I play a lot of video games, the only thing that I liked doing, and I met another girl online.

We start to know each other, we have a lot, a lot, a lot, of things in common, and I start falling in love with her. 
Whenever I talked to her I felt happy, appreciated, and I felt like someone actually cared about me. 
At this point my life starts revolving around her, I go to sleep late just do talk with her more, I wake up early only to play and have fun with her.
But now, two days ago, she asked me a break from talking, without a defined date, only saying she would talk to me when she felt ready again.

After this, I cried, I cried a lot, I asked for a different solution, I begged for this not to happen, but I got the same answer I got before. I start to think about killing myself again, I sit on a toilet, with a razor blade in my hand, thinking about going back to self harming. The only person that I felt happy with left me, for an unkown period of time. I cut myself, I think about it, and the more i think the more I want to cut myself even more.

I really want to die this time, this might have been the final push I actually needed, realizing that no one cares about me. If I died, no one would be sad, things would just look different from 1 week, before everyone would go back to their normal life.


I do not know what to do, but I want to end this pain.