I know very well and how I feed them and part of me knows I shouldn’t and want to stop but the majority of myself wants to keep feeding them on purpose and see how far I can push myself. I don’t know why I want to do this to myself and part of me enjoys seeing myself sink more and more to depression and suicide ideation.

I’m not a masochist but it’s more like I feel like I’m 2 different people. One side has hope and wants to see the world a little bit more. The other is this sick and twisted version that wants to torture me in every way. (This is more literal than figurative) It likes to feed me my insecurities and tells me that I’m worthless and no one cares. Alongside that it likes to show me things that are clearly triggers for me. I know technically I’m showing myself and it’s my fault I trigger myself but it does that because I know it’ll push me further. When I see into my mirror I can literally see my two “souls”. I can feel and hear it’s murderous intent. The other one looks so alone and powerless. 

The two are always fighting. I don’t even know what is the real me. If there is one. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! I just want to be whole again. I don’t care which one wins. I feel so crazy. Even the hopeful one doesn’t care about me, it only lives to be there for everyone else and my friends and gives all my love to them and leaves none for myself. I just want to be happy within myself. It’s painful that even in my lowest points it won’t let me do it so I’m barely left alive and no matter what I can’t have happiness or end the pain myself. 

I can’t do anything medically because Americas health care system is so expensive. I know I badly need a therapist but I can’t. I have no help and I can’t tell anyone this. I feel so alone. I just need any advice. I don’t know what to do.