  the paranoia, the panic, the delusions, imagined abandonment, the pain in my chest. if there is an issue, i will desperately reach and claw to prevent them from leaving. it feels like barbed wire is wrapped around my neck. i’ll lie, beg, plead, and even attempt desperate gestures. when this doesn’t work, the switch flips. i get mean. i will try and say the absolute most hurtful things to push you away. i will scream and cry and hyperventilate and the entire time i’m doing this, i’m desperately hoping that you won’t leave because i have subconsciously crafted my identity with you included. if you go, i’m back to being nobody.