I've been suffering from panic disorder ever since I was a freshman in high school. There was a year where it went away and I was absolutely free from anxiety, which I think was the year 2016. However, as I got older and gradually, but constantly learning more and more about how life hard can get, it eventually went back. This year, it's worse than ever. I had a series of consecutive traumatizing experiences which I still haven't recovered fully from, and one of the most important lessons I've learned is: this world is simply not fit for us suffering from this condition. It is literally DEBILITATING. I wake up to a racing heartbeat, tremors from all over my body, paranoia, and a choking sensation from my neck down to my chest every single time. It doesn't matter what time it is be it at morning, midnight, afternoon - anxiety simply does not give a shit. I cannot go out without a pen, a fidget spinner, or literally anything to fidget with. Eating makes me want to throw up. Planning for the future makes me depressed more than I already am. Hearing a song that begins to crescendo triggers me. The sunset triggers me. The moon triggers me. Songs trigger me. Everything triggers me. There are so many things I want to do in life. I'm a 5x s***** survivor, and all I want to do now is live. I want to travel the world. I want to start doing art again. I want to fight in the ring again. Things were going great for me as an amateur fighter but unfortunately, I had - and still have - to fight another battle for now. It keeps me up at night what life I could've been living all these years if I didn't have this condition. I was talented in sports, in music, in art, and a lot more things but I can barely draw a straight line now due to the tremors that anxiety has gifted me. I can no longer hold weights as steady as I used to because my bones and my veins feel beyond weak. They say awareness is the first step to healing, but it seems as though the more aware you are of your reality, the more it burries you down that hole. That's exactly it. I am aware. And that is why I'm depressed.