Honestly I’ve been so burnt out. Trying to get better for years and I can see that is only making everything worse. I feel so much joy everyday but it’s never anything I can hold onto. It’s only when I’m with other people. Ignoring my feelings to make them feel comfortable. It still comes natural. Now I don’t even want to interact with people as I feel like a different person. I’ve gotten better outwardly, taking care of myself washing myself everyday. But truly I’ve gotten so much worse inwardly. I don’t want to explain it at all. You know shits bad when even your physiologist cries. 

Currently writing this im supposed to be in class, I got so many calls from teachers, my mother. I couldn’t fucking pick them up. Just imagining the disappointment as yesterday everyone said I looked happy. I was content in those moments I felt bits of joy, it wasn’t acting I was excited and knew I would be in class excited to just learn and talk but I couldn’t at the moment and it makes me feel horrible. Like why can’t I feel those emotions when I want them the most. When I need them the most. I don’t anyone to come home today and I don’t want to greet her after work but I love her so much she is who raised me and taking care of me patient with me and always reminding me that everything will be okay and no one is mad but why can’t I believe her. Well I do but I just can’t. I don’t want her to have a daughter who won’t exist anymore. I know how dear I am to her and I don’t want to go. I’ve gone so far whit this but it just feels so hopeless. And what about my little girl. She’s the best cat ever so clingy and always with me. Truly trusting me and I love her so much like my child. I don’t know I want to end it so much but I can’t for my family. My brother, I’m his little sister and he always was so nice and understanding of me. How would he feel. I don’t even know what to do anymore. 

I love everyone around me too much, my family , my friends. I don’t want them to lose a loved one. Someone that they cared for.