WARNING: This is INTENSE and I don't want to freak anyone out about their mortality.

Those memories that stay with you forever. Pure and valuable. When one of those memories happen, like maybe my wedding day with someone I have yet to meet, I could become consious that this is an important moment in my life and fixate on the fact that I will be thinking about this day on my deathbed.

It makes no sense to me. Everyone seems oblivious to this fact. They stay in the moment. They smile and laugh and joke. They're being held at gunpoint by their inevitable deaths and yet they can ignore it blissfully. Today I'm 24 and tomorrow I'll be 60. I won't die in the future, I will die in the present. It will be the present when my time comes and putting myself in that situation is terrifying.

Being in a mental state where you no longer process anything. Time, space, memories, ANYTHING. There's no basis of understanding anymore there's nothing I can rely on to make sense of anything. It's no time, no space, no color. Absolutely terrifying. It can happen at any moment and when it does there's no realization. It's over.

I'm not *just* coming to grips with this either. This has haunted me more than it should to the point that I'm not happy when I'm supposed to be. I know it's normal for this to happen to people, but it's been MONTHS and this thought occurs at least once a day. Dementia really did it for me. I talk about this album all the time now it freaks me out. Everywhere at the End of Time. It put a different perspective on death for me. I'm not sure how.

I haven't been able to accomplish anything in the past few months. Work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep work sleep. Any moment doing something else is a moment to think about dark thoughts. How I feel unlovable and invisible. How being depressed for almost 10 years makes me more likely to develop Alzheimer's. How I'm wasting my life doing nothing productive besides paying for an apartment and saving a little.