I'm hanging out at a ski resort with some friends rn. I was hoping for some really fun times and happy memories! One of my friends here I have a big crush on, and I was also stoked to spend time with her!

Here I am now, lying awake on the first night, because another one of my friends is in the same bed as her, and he's been very into her too. 

My brain hasn't stopped with all the intrusive thoughts... it's keeping me awake. Things like this trigger my BPD badly, and I'm worried that this will affect my experience here.

A lot of things I do actually want to think about are racing through my head. The most important one being talking to one of them. Sounds weird, but I just want to ask them to keep it chill until I'm gone. Not too much of an ask. Better than bottling it up. I also understand that it's their business and I will keep things as brief as possible in this conversation with one of them. I feel more closer to my crush, and feel more comfortable talking to her, but the guy might be better because it would be way less awkward. I'll figure that out in the morning.

Another thought is potentially leaving early because this affects my emotional health very adversely. I'm very close to this friend group. They're well aware of my BPD and as well how emotionally volatile I can be. They would understand.

Some other ones of note include reinventing myself. I've been a little TOO vocal about my BPD, basically I've become my disorder. People associate BPD with me. It doesn't come off very attractive at all. Perhaps rework how I view relationships, I feel like my self esteem is low enough, not to the point where I don't feel worthy or ready for a relationship,  but where I come off as needy and clingy to my partner. 

Let me know what y'all think, mostly about the final paragraph. Here's hoping I get some amount of sleep.

Good morning, good afternoon, or goodnight to whoever sees this.