i wanna start this by saying, if i say anything offensive or wrong i’m really sorry and i honestly don’t mean to sound rude about anything, i’m just looking for some insight :)

so for the last 3 or 4 years ive felt flat? like numb and empty? not constantly, but on and off. like people in my family have died, and i’ve felt nothing. i’ve gone to concerts and just felt disconnected from the experience and felt flat. i still smile along but i’m just kind of a body, going through the motions. i don’t exactly feel bad, literally just fine.

i’m very easily irritated, especially when it comes to my parents. if i’m feeling a bit eh, like fine but teetering on bad (so just irritable i guess ahha) they could say the least annoying thing and i will fly off the rails, shouting, hitting things, i feel like my whole body needs to tense so i hit and clench my fists to try and release the tension.

less so now but about 2 years ago, i would get into a place of feeling low and like my whole body was heavy and my vision was darker. i’d feel completely unable to talk to anyone, like i’d failed or let myself down if i spoke to anyone because it might make me feel better, and i felt like i had to continue feeling bad. this feeling wouldn’t last for longer than an hour usually but then i’d be embarrassed and feel like my friends would judge me? or laugh at me if i started talking again.

im also really bad at maintaining relationships - especially if they start over text. i feel like i can’t respond to people’s messages and i’ll leave messages unread for days before finally opening them and then doing the same thing again after only a few messages. i don’t know why i don’t respond, i just feel completely disconnected from them and like everything drains for me when i think about responding.

my best friend is lovely and amazing but sometimes it feels as though she’s talking/thinking bad things about me behind my back. like she’ll say something innocent like “i know you probably won’t be awake before 3 in the afternoon” (cause my sleep schedule is fucked) but then i feel like i need to get really defensive and i’ll get angry cause i feel inferior and like she’s thinking she’s better than me/talking down to me (even though realistically, i know that’s not true)

i don’t know what anyone thinks. i don’t think if this sounds like BPD or if i’ve just offended the whole community by even thinking it could be ahh, but i’m just a little lost and mainly i’m tired of feeling flat all the time and want to find out maybe why i feel like this so i can go to the doctor and hopefully get some help and feel better ://