I feel fine though. I'm going through life as I should. I'm making bad decisions. I feel like this big contradiction. I'm speeding fast into a brick wall but the brick wall seems to be moving with me a bit. Like every 2 miles I drive it moves back one. I think I might be catching up with it. But I also believe I'm imagining the wall.

I think about hurting myself every day. I think about when I'll be able to kill myself every day. I fantasize it. And I get angry that I can't do it. I get mad at my cat for being alive still because I am all she has and I have to live to be here for her. I want to just let myself loose and do something stupid and reckless and to got rock bottom so I can either die or fix myself (?).

So for now I'll just have to keep finding ways to get high... 