My ex made me feel like garbage. And after a while I became someone I loathed. I was mean and always angry, so negative and constantly insecure, panicked, and depressed. I'm doing much better now. I'm not good. But I've definitely made a lot of progress. That being said, I just don't think I could ever love another person again. I honestly even struggle to feel platonic love anymore. But romantic love almost disgusts me now. To me love now means opening myself up to guaranteed new hurt. It makes me angry to even think of loving another person. It makes me sad to think I might not, but not sad in a way where I want to love or be loved by someone. Sad that loving this person was so traumatic that I now feel triggered by even the thought of loving someone again. Sad that this person hurt me so profoundly that I have to choose between being in love with a person or being healthy, because it will never be possible for me to do both. Love is always a risk and this person made it a life or death risk for me. And so in order for me to stay healthy and stay alive, I have to choose not to love anyone, because I won't survive next time. I've had all I can take. It's going to be a very long time before I can say "I'm doing well." If I make it it that far, the last thing I want to do is jeopardize it. Because if I am ever faced with having to recover from something like this again, I am going to throw in the towel.