I often have these feelings that i deserve to die or i deserve other bad things to happen to me. When i have that feeling i message to my fp, but now he is getting bored of me repeating the same things over and over. And he is bored to repeat the same advices over and over. I have to stop telling him about this, but he is the only one to whom i can talk about my deep things. This and many other ones. I'm afraid that i'm making him to abandon me. And i'm also afraid that i will slowly step away and abandon him first.
Also, this had to be the night when i promised myself to end my life. But now that it's night i feel nauseous because of something i ate earlier today, and there is huge storm outside. So quess i'm skipping it for today. 
I feel strange about everything. Mostly scared. I fear to take step in any direction, because i know i can't keep going on with things like this, but any step would chance my life too much and i'm.also afraid of chance.