I dont need or expect a response. I just need to vent. Ive got no one who fully understands that i can talk to. 

I am forcing a smile on my face everyday. A fake one,but its there when i need it to be. 

I have stuff within my family unit i am dealing with and its putting so much pressure onto me its unreal. I struggle to cope with that alone nevermind everything else. 
Just the constant anxiety being escalated constantly. Not sleeping. Not being able to shut my thoughts off. My boyfriend being all wishy washy.
I dont want to live anymore, but not willing to end things. Thats a constant thought to be honest but with everything it has escalated too. 

My psychiatrist said the amount of pressure and stress im under is enough to push someone without MH struggles. 
I keep feeling my meds arent working but shes right when she says that the meds probably are working, there is just too much and i have to figure out how to cope with all of the external factors. 
She said they will help but i dont know how. 
I sometimes wish i could just walk out, leave and never come back but my kids... 
I wish i still had the balls to just leave but i havent

I am forced to be stuck in a situation id rather not be in, dealing with shit i dont want to deal with. Shit that i cant deal with. 
I dont even understand how my mind works and why i do these things. 

I am so fed up
