I’ve been passively suicidal since I was 11, I’m 18 now and it hasn’t changed much. I’m 6 or so years clean on self harm, I only cut for about a month before I stopped. I thought it would help, but it didn’t. 

My dad got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at the end of September, a week before my birthday. I lost many of my friends around that time as well because I realized they weren’t good for me. I’m also transsexual, and I’ll never get over that I’ll never be a normal guy. I will always be different no matter what I do.

If I could just manage to convince myself I could have a better life if I just finally bite the bullet (literally), I’d be dead by now. But I can’t do it, I always believe I will just find a void of nothingness. My pessimistic attitude has saved my ass somehow.

I have the energy to keep going because the days blend together. I have lost track of my life and things around me, and that is somehow helping me. I can’t focus on anything (ADHD) and I don’t realize the days are passing. I feel like I’m wasting my time doing nothing but it’s keeping me going. I’m so out of it that I can’t make any decisions to change my life, for better or worse.

I’m going to keep living, purely out of spite to fuck over everyone who wants me out of their life. I haven’t spoken to my mother in 3 years after she disowned me for her husband, and I’m going to be the son she longs for. 

I’m here to stay, just so I can fuck with everyone. Good luck getting rid of me, because I can’t even get rid of me.