My ex broke up with me after 3 years because I did heroin and cheated on him in October. He had also cheated on me in the past, and I feel like him mistreating me really made my symptoms manifest to the point that they were killing me, and our relationship until I finally put the final nail in the coffin. We didn't talk for a couple weeks, then we'd see each other maybe once every week or so, I used the excuse that I wanted to buy pot to see him, which of course ends in hook ups. I even did his taxes last week. This had been giving me hope that if I could fix myself, that if he loved me as much as he claimed to, we could get back together. A couple of minutes ago he sent me a song and the title was so long, goodbye. The lyrics even worse, like a kick in the chest. I had been doing okay, I mean I have panic attacks daily and because of insurance issues haven't been to any kind of treatment in 3 months, and I think about him constantly, I'm suicidal but I know better than to act on my impulses (but the thoughts are to the point where I fantasize about killing myself in his bed while he's sleeping during one of the routine "pot pick ups and hook up") but I manage. I still drag myself out of bed every day for work and numb the shit out of myself with pot and xanax at night. But the song just pushed me over the edge. I have to work in an hour and he sent me spiraling into a brutal panic attack. I just can't help thinking that he's going to cope better than me because of BPD. I think I was more in love with him than he was with me. I just can't do it, help please