I've been thinking of ending things before I have to bear the experience of growing old alone. I'm an extremely inconsequential person who's never really had an effect on anyone's life. I could die tomorrow and the military would just bring in someone else to replace me. I haven't had a true friend in years, I'm working towards a career field that doesn't challenge or interest me in the slightest, and I've permanently screwed up every opportunity I've had to live a good life. Flunked out of university, failed special warfare training after 2 months of 100% effort (the only job I've ever been passionate about), and there's nothing about me that people couldn't find in 10 other people.

I'm spending most of my days completely absent-minded, thinking about some depressing song, and wishing I was back in university studying calculus or missing some friend who hasn't thought about me in 4 years. I'm drinking 6 Redbulls a day because the taste of them is unironically the best thing in my life, hoping I drop dead of a heart attack one of these days.

The worst part about it is that the only reason that my life is like this is due to my own behavior instead of anything out of my control. I'm smart and could have easily aced all my university classes if I wasn't so damn lazy. My parents are practically saints and raised me to the best of their abilities, and I end up doing nothing but disappoint them over and over. I try overcompensating for my inability to connect with people by either being loud and obnoxious or by being barely conscious and unresponsive.

I just... I've stuck around this long dreaming of a time where I could be with people who I've known for years, people I genuinely care about. I thought for a while that my worth was going to be my intelligence, but that fell through due to laziness. Then my worth was put into my career, but that fell through because I wasn't good enough. Now I'm just tired of trying, having extended myself only to end up in a worse place than where I started. I don't have anything left to contribute to anyone, and as such, the only way I see this story ending is with me alone at the end of the road, begging to just die already.