Hello friends of Reddit, I need advice I am so depressed and just filled with so much anxiety I constantly think about suicide I am so tired, I know my problem it’s literally nothing but it just feels so heavy I can’t deal with it. I NEED HELP! 

So when I started college I was 23 and I had a set on my mind that I was just going to do to school come home to my husband and just kind my business, I wasn’t interested in making friends bc honestly I knew I didn’t wanna get hurt. Then the pandemic happened and of course I fell into a great depression I would cry everyday, things w my husband weren’t going good everything was falling apart. Thankfully we were allowed to come back for the last two semesters and I was 25 by then and the first day she sat next to me and the friendship began, we kissed in a concert, she told me it didn’t mean anything, it was fine, one day I was on acid and she sexually harassed me and our friendship ended.

Thru this girl though I met this other girl (let’s name her X) X and I became incredibly close we would hang out all the time, smoke and trip together, until one day we slept together, and me w BPD confused everything and of course she’s younger than me (21) and has other friends and we both know it was just something that happened in the moment didn’t really meant anything but after that.

 I just can’t stop thinking about her and I just am obsessed with the idea that she just doesn’t want anything to do with me like she doesn’t text me the same, I have to try really hard for her to text me back and it’s all my fault bc I pushed her away I was so pushy and texted her multiple times ab that situation, and how I felt that she didn’t wanna be my friend and I would appreciate if she was honest with me and told me the truth but she assured me none of this was truth, but like her actions just don’t match what she says… and like I’ve accepted that everything comes to an end but I’m so hurt and I just can’t stop thinking about how lonely I’m going to be, I know I have my husband but having a girl friend is just different…. 

I just want a friend I want friends ): that’s all I want why is it so difficult