*TW: Abuse, emesis*
**Anxiety/Depression

Almost a year ago, I left a verbally/physically abusive relationship, and ever since then my anxiety has skyrocketed. It started by noticeably invalidating myself because I was used to others doing so and just not really seeing the light in myself anymore, to just straight up self loathing. I now absolutely cannot stand myself, and cannot justify forgiving myself for anything. I won’t even let myself enjoy anything. 

Every day for the past 6 days now, I’ve been so obsessed with my anxiety and the intrusive thoughts just won’t strop, to the point where I throw up at least 4-5 times a day, wake up 3-4 times a night and can’t stop these horrendous tremors. I can never seem to ease myself, even with the meditating, the anxiety exercises, the healing exercises, etc. it just won’t go away and it feels like torture. I’ve tried talking to people, and the support has been resounding, so why can’t I just calm down enough to function at least enough to do my job? 

I think I need serious therapy to heal trauma caused by my mother/ my abuser but I just can’t afford it, and I miss the Lexapro but I don’t have insurance. I need major help, I just want to enjoy life again and function like an average person. I started taking B6, B12, Antacids to at least decrease the amount of times I throw up, and I’m gonna try to get some vitamin D as well. 

Other than that, any advice is welcome. I’m willing to try anything in order to heal and better my life if it’s possible, thank you.