this is a throwaway account. I want to scream. NSFW for suicide I guess?

I am hopelessly in love and he loves me too. But we can't get married for a long time for a lot of reasons and this on top of the fact that I am working a job that I hate and am not getting enough hours or being paid enough, is not helping. Its crippling how frusterating it is. I just want to be happy but I need him. I need to not be alone any more or I'm going to go insane.

The cherry on top? my depression has returned after I was doing so well recovering. It hasn't just returned, it knocked me off my feet. I struggle to get through every day. I can't eat, and I can't sleep. It's nearly impossible to get up in the mornings and I don't want to be around anyone, even my boyfriend sometimes, which i know doens't make much sense because I just said I want to be married. Mental illness doesn't make sense. I feel incredibly isolated and so dumb and unlovable. 

The worst part of all of this is that I feel so lazy for not wanting to work. But it's so frustrating to look at how exhausted I am and know I have to go every single fucking day to a job once I switch to full-time again, and do that for... how long? I'm scared I'll never enjoy my life.

I didn't get to travel a lot when I was younger. but I really want to. I guess I want to escape. Never be seen again, feel free and maybe even happy somewhere else. I want to elope and just not have to deal with people ever again except for him because he's the only one that makes these feelings im talking ab out go away. No we're not co-dependant, I don't feel like talking about him a ton for privacy. 

I know that's wrong to want to be so isolatee. I just want to be alone and be loved for once in my life, even for a minute but because of reliegion we aren't aloud to really be alone together. 

I'm so tired. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to live anymore. When I have suicidal thoughts I'm too tired to even consider them. That's how bad it is. Even suicide is too much work.

I don't have money for help, and before anyone asks, I appreciate it but I don't really want to talk to anyone about this. I just needed to scream into the void and feel.... anything at all?