Like a lot of us I have great difficulty forming and maintaining relationships. 

Other than my immediate family, the friends I do have are online. I'm nominally friends with my wife's friends and their partners but I only see and talk to them during social occasions. I'm not part of a group chat or anything like that, I'm not close enough to anyone in IRL to be invited to such a thing. 

So, it resulted toxic positivity in my online friendships. I'm petrified of anyone else bailing so I've taken to silverlining everything. I don't want to be a downer to anyone but I end up going too far the other way. I liberally pepper my words with exclamation points and lols, because that will reassure people I'm upbeat and shit. 

I don't know how to let friendships flow naturally. I don't give anyone a chance to text first. I'm up and saying good morning. I've tried a couple times to not text anyone and wait for someone to check in or strike up a conversation. I've made it is far as mid afternoon so far before starting to message people. 

My FP/best friend left some months ago and it's messed up my day to day. It was 5 years, talking everyday and it ended abruptly. They left and because it was a FP/BFF package deal, I didn't have anyone to talk about it with. 

One of the things I miss most was waking up and having a virtual coffee together. 

They are still my FP but I am no longer theirs. That has been a hit to my ego and equilibrium. 

It's been a longish feeling few months. I can stay busy, but inevitably I have a cry every day at some point. 

I have one online friend I've known for ages that is still around. I'm terrified they will leave too. Because that's all there is. Other than my family, I don't trust anyone else. They have their own life which I believe I already intrude upon too much. If my friend wanted us to be closer they would express that through their words or actions. 

It feels like people who have been close but are still in my life at a distance now are doing it to preserve my feelings. There aren't any real conversations anymore, just me rambling and them giving succinct, vague responses. 

Since losing my FP I've been trying to make casual friends online. Covid helps but under "normal" circumstances I have pretty bad social anxiety. It's been interesting and I have had a few decent conversations, but thus far nobody has found me interesting enough to stay in touch. Intellectually, I know that isn't true, I'm well spoken, intelligent and a great sense of humour. 

It's been months but I'm feeling optimistic about Spring.