backstory -- so, my 4 1/2 year LTR ended last winter. (I was not in favor of it ending. ow.) I kept to myself for awhile. eventually stuck my toes in the water again. met a guy like a month and a half ago... we have hung out every week since. he's super chill. super not bothered by me having bpd. super...COMPATIBLE. iykwim. HA.

now i'm getting... i don't know, emotions i can't describe and don't dislike but which are somehow also COMPLETELY TERRIFYING. it does not feel like when I fell for my LTR person. that time was like overwhelming fireworks, can't breathe, almost sick to my stomach, too much.

i wish I could explain what it feels like but I can't. emotions feel different after starting meds. for one thing, I have a lot more variety of feelings, not just mad/sad/happy like before. so that makes it really hard to figure out what i am feeling, especially when it's this weird mix of terror and good feeling.

we're supposed to be casual. i think. honestly not sure anymore. sometimes there's this look in his eyes and i wonder if i am really the only one feeling it, and then i remember how many times i have felt crazy emotions about a person and I WAS the only one feeling it even though it seemed like they were too. and this is what's stopping me from saying anything.

what i CAN tell you is that even when i feel complete panic about Whatever It Is that i'm feeling... if I go see him, i calm right down. instantly. i don't feel the fear part around him. just the happy.

fml fml i don't know if i'm ready to have the emotions i'm having. i'm so scared of so many things: of losing myself in feelings again (bad time, that), of being the only one feeling it, of misinterpreting what I am feeling, of accidentally getting into something more serious than i meant to, and about a dozen other things.

help, i'm terrified and i don't know what i feel other than that. i am not yet 100% trusting my judgement of my own feelings even though i've come a LONG way since last year. i don't know if I'm CAPABLE of serious anything. i also don't know what serious would mean. i feel a great deal of affection toward him, and whatever we're doing, i'd like it to continue, but somehow I always fuck these things up.