Remembering when I was a child, I was sad, I don’t have a memory of being happy, all the things that happened. I felt like I’m just that kid, Im just that son in a family who is unwanted and treated as a nuisance in their life, My parents would casually abuse me, physically and verbally, I was always in denial “Maybe they’re just stressed”, “Oh, its my fault but its ok”, “I shouldn’t cry, they acted right”, “I did something wrong I deserve this”. I didn’t want to tell myself “You are being beaten everyday of your life”. I believe that everything was for a cause, and for many years I treated all the slaps, the pinches, the hitting, the cursing, and the degrading as a normal part of my life. But now, I guess I still accept that this is my life. But why is that I don’t know what im feeling anymore, “is this sadness?” “Do i have some kind of illness?” “Whats causing this?” “Am i anxious?”. All of this emotions but I cant pick one. I feel like I’m stuck in this void of feeling nothing and whats worse is that I dont know whats causing that. I started sh about 1-2 years ago, I think. It gave my day to day life meaning, it gave me the emotions I needed, I felt like I was alive for once, that I finally controlled what my soul desires. But these past few months, I just fell into this deep deep hole of nothingness. I stopped sh because it doesn’t do anything anymore. Now im just really lost, I dont know, before,, writing things like things would bring me to my knees crying, but now, I feeling fucking nothing, I’m upset at myself that Im like this, why cant I cry? Why cant I feel sad? Why cant I feel empathy? A lot had been going on but why dont I feel nothing? Not ever anger. I feel bored writing this, I cant sleep figuring out what the fuck is wrong. Theres nothing to live for anymore. I am not needed in this world. Even my tears stay away from me. Nothing can help me, not myself. No one wants to talk to me. I dont know. Maybe im just here to suffer. I dont deserve living. I want everything to stop. I cant do this anymore.