What is this feeling? This ball is in the pit of my chest. I've had it for weeks now. Is it my relationship? the feeling that I can't do enough to make myself so happy? I sometimes daydream of being single again. Running into my exes and leaving them wanting me again. Is this how I determine my value? Who wants me and who cant have me? surely if I was told this by a friend I would say that your value and self-worth do not depend on women. Why can't I believe that though? I have my SO and while I love her, I can't shake the feeling of anticipation of us leaving each other. Bad habits are formed with her like staying up late until sunrise and sleeping half the day away. It's been one year and I placate her doing everything I can to keep her happy. she asked me something recently about her being beautiful and I hesitated because I felt like it was a trap. 4 hours later discussing what I meant and why I thought I was being tricked into saying something I shouldn't. if I do slip she spirals into a whirlpool of self-despair and insecurity. I threw her in and I have to save her. I gave her these problems according to her and now I have to fix them. maybe this is simply her and I'm too afraid to tell her. my problem is to find people and try and fix them. giving them my all until I can't anymore. when I met her I ignored the blaring red siren and banner from her situation because she was someone that needed help. I daydream of fixing myself and catering to myself as I do to these people.

the worst part is I daydream of an ex. what could have or should have been? but the reality is I would have been miserable. trapped in another cycle of trying to fix someone and becoming a human punching bag. I think I just saw the potential and it could've been great, but this is another what could've been and not what it really was. She's with someone new and it fuels the jealousy that I feel. because she's happy with someone and my value depends on being needed or wanted by someone. maybe it's better for her now and I'm still me. why should I be jealous though? I remember feeling sick when she came around again after we had broken up. the sob stories of her ex on my doorstep ate at my defenses until I took her in. but I didn't take her, she took me and my love and it was almost perverse at how she used me again and again. I remember crying each day when she left but during the time I loved it and her. it was disgusting and I let myself be used. now, what am I doing?