hi, guys
how do i forgive someone who abanodned me? in few words, i was other woman (please, no judgment). he left family for me, then left me (i assume he is NPD) for his wife....after few years of going back and forth, his wife filed for divorce. in the meantime, i decided to let go and get married myself. i got engaged, and when i let him know i am getting married, he told me about his divorce. i proposed him to marry me,but he refused. few years later he married other person. 

he was my everything  (the only person i was ever attached to for real. i have no family and when we met, he became my universe). its 5 years since i got married, but i cannot forgive him. the worst thing-he keeps on showing signs of love without saying he loves me, promising to abandon new family if i hurt myself, and then stops communication with me as he always used to do (typical devalue&amp; discard). i tried hard to build my life. i tried hard to forget. but i dont feel connected to anyone like i was connected to him. and the worst thing is the more time goes by and i see him with his new wife, the more hurt i become. i just cannot forgive him leaving me, refusing to marry me, because he plays it like we were soulmates (bullshit, i know) his actions make no sense.  my husband is a good man, but he doesnt feel me as my ex did. i know i should go NC, but it is very hard, because i strat feeling all the loneliness and anxiety when we dont talk. actually, we stopped talking, as this year i had terrible rages and finally said all i think about his actions, so he just stopped communicating. 
i feel that this anger is destroying me, i want to forgive-but i cannot.
how am i forgiving? i need this badly. the most painful thing is that he knew i was totally alone in the world, he knew i love him, he used me and then he abandoned me--and after i got married he started to show emotions he never did before, again torturing me with unavailability. (we had no sexual relations now, i am faithful to my husband),but my ex's expressions of feelings made it only worse, as now i am feeling like losing someone who loved me (even though it is a game) he said he will never leave his wife-and this sucks, because it only reminds me that he left me forever. I am jealous! i know he is not a good man if he tortures me for so many years with his push/pull emotions loving and then ignoring, but it destroys me, not him-how do i forgive this? every day it hurts, like if i had a knife in my heart. 