Hello. Since I can't help myself with this, I'm just gonna vent here

Basically, it all started when I had covid back in October. That was a stressful period for me and my heart reacted to it and I had a fast heartrate, which I accidentally noticed and got scared about it when I googled about heart attacks. That's when the anxiety started. I went to a doctor, they weren't the kindest and I was really, really scared and thought I will die. They told me to come again in a few days. Those few days I could hardly sleep because of the fear that I will die in my sleep or that I will have a heart attack.

I went again, and again, every night thinking I won't wake up, (that went for 2 months), and when I finally got my results of all possible tests, everything was fine with my heart. They told me it's because of stress and I was actually very relieved. until the stress fucking returned

So, 3 months of anxiety, every day thinking that I won't see tommorow. The only time I was at ease was when I'm at school with friends, but otherwise I was under stress 24/7. Had several panic attacks too. Then I finally found out that my health is fine, and guess what? Shit never stopped

I would still think about my heart 24/7. I would constantly check my pulse. I would constantly google diseases just to rule them out or seek reassurance. Literally every time I was alone, I would still just think about my heart and "what if" scenarios.

Now, I stopped googling symptoms and I'm in the process of stopping checking my pulse, but the fear is still there. I started going to the gym, happy as all fuck that I will workout and be healthier and guess what? I see a fucking heartrate monitor at the treadmill. And then I almost get a fucking panic attack on the first day of training. Like, me and my friend were running on the treadmill, our heartrate both at ~130 and then my fears kick in and it fucking jumps to ~180 immediately

Come on for fucks sake. How can I stop this? Whenever I see anything heart related I get anxious. I have developed so much reassurance methods I forgot half of them by now. It has gotten to the point that I fear my thoughts more than I actually fear death or something wrong with my heart. I fucking avoid activities that I somehow think will make something happen to my heart.

I stopped drinking coffee because somewhere I read that it affects heartrate. Drank one in the cafe, because why not, and in the middle of drinking it my fears kick in and my heart starts beating and I get anxious

I stopped eating salty food because, again, I read somewhere that it's bad for the heart. Now whenever I eat anything salty and notice it, I get anxious. Worst part? It only happens when I'm alone with my thoughts. When I was with my friends, we were all eating something really salty and I just didn't give a fuck about it. And guess what? Nothing happened at all. No chest pain, no anxiety, no anything. But when I'm alone, I always have to avoid millions of things just so I don't accidentally trigger it.

This shit is fucking killing me