I have never been diagnosed with BPD. I have severe anxiety issues and have thought maybe perhaps I'm more manic bipolar than anything...but now I am utterly lost as to what I am. Every description I read about BPD resonates with my day-to-day life. I think I am doing well in my relationships and communication, only to have an experience completely rock me back to this place of self loathing, giving up or even wishing I was dead. Unlike bipolar describes, these feelings can completely diminish within a few hours and I can become really energetic and can hardly sit still (which may be the anxiety). I am either constantly worried about my partner abandoning me (even though he has been with me for 8+ years) or telling him he should just move on with his life and find someone better for him...which I dont want, but I get so confused that sometimes I truly feel like I am burdening him with my constant mood swings and that if I truly love him, I should let go. 

With the coronavirus shutting work down, I lost my job. I am so blessed to have family and friends that have helped us, but when I have no financial control I just cannot get ahold of myself. After panicking in my head for days, not really thinking anymore just reacting, I made a horrible fucked up mistake in an effort to get some money. (Falls under the description of "poor sexual choices out of desperation"). Instead of being a team with my partner in this time of stress, I completely turned my back on him and selfishly made a decision that he would not have wanted, though in my head I thought it was helpful.
This mistake deeply hurt my partner because about 4 years ago I did the same thing (again for financial reasons) and it ruptured our trust. It has taken those years to build a somewhat healthier relationship and I never thought I would again do something so drastic. 

In the moment and even hours after, I was trying to justify myself. (Which I regret). I truly DONT feel like this was okay at all. I dont even really remember the experience, as I I've already compartmentalized it and dont want to think about it. If I had thought more about the consequences of my actions, I KNOW I wouldn't have done it..but that whole reasoning process went completely out the window in my state of panic (still not an excuse). 

I feel like I'm forcing my partner to be in his head about it all because I dont know what to say for myself. I don't expect him to stay with me, but I dont want to give up. Is it selfish of me to ask for forgivness if I promise to go to therapy and work on myself? 
Or should I tell him that I think my internal struggles are destroying us and then best thing to do now is let go? I feel devastatingly guilty and just want the best option for him now. He is an amazing guy and deserves the best, which I am not giving him. 

There is so much more I wish I could explain regarding the BPD aspect of this situation and my life being affected by not getting help for so many years. I am about to turn 25 in April, and feel like it's all getting worse as I get older.

I am turning to Reddit as I am so ashamed to talk to any friends or even a therapist about this. I dont even know what I'm hoping for with this post. Someone to relate and tell me I'm not evil and awful and just confused? Or give me the hard truth and tell me I dont deserve forgiveness? Honestly looking for opinions because my mind is not helping me at all.