I can't word but I'll try to explain.
My brain is nagging me to gatekeep this person that I want to become close with, even though it's already broken and everyone is friends with them.
I feel as though I must fit into a character type or else I'll become boring and useless whenever someone else appears to take my place. I'm so scared of being replaced. I think it's because I've been replaced in the past every time I've had a friend that's mine, but it doesn't make sense why it's still happening now when I have a friend that is mine. Maybe it's because I don't like them most of the time. I feel like a hypocrite. It feels like we are competing with eachother all of the time, and I can't tell if it's because of their behaviour or mine? Because I don't like this friend that much it scares me that they're becoming friends with the person that I want to become close with. I'm such a bad friend. 
I feel so lonely due to my schedule isolating me from my friends, and it makes me sad that theirs all sync up with eachother and they get to have interactions I don't know about. And then when I do get to see everyone my anxiety is bad and I end up feeling awful for no reason. I feel like an attention seeker because I just want to have a nice time with people.
I don't know what to think anymore.