It was my friends birthday party today and we went bowling and to an arcade. It was so hard to keep up my smile and make sure we were all doing good. I try to make sure everyone was included and had fun so that they didn’t have to feel sad. It wasn’t physically exhausting at all but I was most definitely tired, I don’t think I’ve ever had to fake being happy for so long. Life recently has been an utter mess for me and I’ve honestly become so lost and confused. I mean I’ve always been depressed but these past couple of months and weeks have been especially hard. I’ve always been an adaptable person but I see my life flashing before my life along with all the missed opportunities that would have been better for me if I had chosen to go with an alternative option. I remember being happy at one point so I feel like if I replicate it enough then I should get to a point where I’ve become normal and fixed. I almost let it slip twice though when a friend and my mom both questioned why I had a frown or looked alone. It’s hard to hide it any more and I would really appreciate any tips. I hope I die soon so that this pain can leave me. Stay blessed