its so hard to figure out how to navigate through life. im too exhausted to keep going. Every decision, every thing I try to accomplish just blows up in my face. I can't do anything right. No matter how hard I study I can't get into college for the 3rd time. And I really really tried. I didnt pass my driving test either. I don't have a single friend. The first and only guy to show romantic interest in me tried to rape me. Why does everything work out for other people and it doesnt for me? Why doesnt the hard work pay off? Whats wrong with me? Is this what I'mm for?? To just fail over and over. I'm just too ashamed of myself. 

I have smiled in two weeks. I havent been the same and I'm ruining my mom along with myself. I can't do this anymore its too painful to be a failure. I promise myself I would do better this year and now everything is worse now. I have to drink vodka sometimes to sleep. My thoughts are so horrible during the day I can't face them at night. I feel so numb like I've forgotten to be happy. Why should I be, it wont last. 


This isn't how i thought my life would go at all. I'm so disappointed in myself.