This seems to be a common theme in my life (every few days or so) where I will split on myself, i'll over analyse every bad behaviour i've possibly done (doesn't matter what led to that - like the fact that sometimes it was reactive to abuse), any time I may have unknowingly at the time manipulated someone or done something that could have potentially caused another to hurt even if it wasn't (I'm sure some of the time my mind just twists good things into bad things). 

It causes me to spiral into self loathing, i'm usually inconsolable and the only things that help is self harming. I talk to services like shout (Samaritans but texting) but even then it doesn't work all the time and feels like my body just has to naturally get it out of my system. 

After it's passed I feel guilty, it makes me exhausted and I feel bad that I put my partner through that but once i'm in that mindset, nothing gets me out and I want to change this because I don't want to hurt anyone