I'm dealing with an narcissistic ex who really hurt me. He likes to tell people we broke up because of my mental health, but I left because I couldn't do it anymore. The gaslighting, the lack of respect, the dismissiveness when I was really struggling. His business that he started is very disrespectful to me and our relationship. Mostly because he didnt even tell me what his business was about, because he was scared of "my reaction". 

I moved out on my own but we were still talking. He came to visit me and we had sex. After he left all I could think about was how much I was still hurting from everything he did and said. Maybe this is black and white thinking, but I was just so angry at him. I was angry that he didnt seem remorseful for what he did. He just acts like he can have sex whenever he feels like it, like I'll always be there. 

This morning I told him I needed space. He basically ignored everything I said and said if that's what I want, fine. And good luck. 

Fuck that. He knows I don't have anyone to talk to and I'm alone and vulnerable. He didnt seem to care how hurt I am, and doesnt get that hes the one in the wrong. I'm tired of being used. I feel like crap now for saying I need space. I hate being hurtful and I dont want to hurt him. But why does everyone get to treat me badly and use my mental health as justification? I'm not even diagnosed with bpd. I have traits, but I feel like as soon as bpd joined the conversation,  hes just ignored my feelings and seen them as only my issues. I realized he doesnt see me as a partner, but someone he needs to "save" or "fix" like his mom. After 10+ years be didnt even try to commit to me in any way. No shared finances, everything was in his name, no promise of marriage or a future together. As soon as I started being more independent,  he became more interested again and nicer. I just feel used up and disposed of. 

I just feel very lonely and tired of life. Everyone sucks and no one really cares. Sorry for the book. Thanks for reading.  :)