
I live in a conservative middle eastern country. It only got worse in the recent years. I'm a medical student and live with my parents. I was doing way better before the pandemic, was feeling excited and got myself together. But after the pandemic, I've become SEVERELY depressed and couldn't focus on doing anything AT ALL. Everyday right after waking up, I felt the palpitation and was nervous because of unconscious mental ruminations. I felt I had no energy during the day and hating how lazy I've become. But the nights was the worst, before sleeping I just couldn't help myself thinking over and over and crying myself to sleep. I got them controlled with antidepressants and now I'm feeling fine but sometimes I can't stop thinking about literally the most negative things that I could have thought about.

So these are the things that are my regrets and I think about them and. When I was 17, I had a chance to move to the US but my parents convinced me to move after university graduation. I hate how I couldn't do much about it. I didn't experience the party life. Didn't travel as much as I wanted. Was a virgin until 23. I'm so ashamed of myself for not having the sexual experiences and and god I regret all of it. And there is no way turning things back.

I'm so much under pressure in my school that I'm getting burnt out. I feel a general fatigue and have become very sleepy. I'm very jealous of my friends who have free time to travel and compare my life to them  I've become so miserable.

Last night I was thinking my goal in life is literally party and do drugs. I loveeee alcohol but alcohol consumption is not very common in here but that didn't stop me from getting drunk in the parties and even in the university campus. I want nothing from life just that feeling of Euphoria. I'm so tempted to explore drugs but my bf is so against it. Tbh I'm scared of myself too

There is not a single day I would not think about past or future. The saddest part is that even the thought of doing them in the future isn't satisfying because I wouldn't want later  as much as I wanted them in the past. There's no way filling the void, so I might as well numb myself and not feel it.