since covid the holidays have just lost their sheen. i remember before this shit i had parties and went out with friends and i was having the best time. particularly halloween, christmas, and my birthday. i had so much fun, it felt so whimsical and i was surrounded by people i cared about and i didnt have any worries or depression. fast forward to now it just doesnt feel right. it feels so different. most of the friends i had before i lost over the past two years. i’m too depressed to want to do shit. i’m too aged and sensitive to want to go anywhere. all the fun i had was a flash in the pan. i remember. the last halloween before covid, me and my best friend threw a huge party. this was my first ever party and i felt on top of the world. so many people came, i (kind of) fell into a crush and thought i had a chance, and it was a magical night. fast forward to this past halloween. i sat alone in my fucking dorm room watching youtube. the halloween before that i cried alone in my room from loneliness. halloween is my favourite holiday. it felt as if that was taken from me. it fucking sucks when something you used to get excited for is now something that just… happens.