I'm not really sure why I'm posting this. Maybe just to bitch about this stupid disorder that's completely disrupting every part of my life.

So here's where I'm at now; I just started self-harming again after years of basically being completely cut-free due to this: I lost my temper with my kid, and on impulse swatted him right on the butt, which prompted my fiance to go off on me, so I spent several days crying  and hating myself for letting my emotions get the best of me (yet AGAIN). The fact that I lashed out on the one person I love most in the world led to me contemplating suicide and I even had a plan to do it, but since I'm seven months pregnant I decided to hold off until I gave birth. Who knows if I'll become that ten percent statistic as it stands now.

The DBT therapist I was seeing when I was a teenager doesn't take my insurance, but since I have attachment issues I don't feel comfortable seeing anyone but her. I've completely isolated myself because I am so fearful of the inevitable relationship breakdown. I've lost three jobs because of my emotional instability and I hate this crap!

The only person in my life who sticks around no matter how crazy I get is my fiance, and I keep telling him that it might be better for our kids if I just left or killed myself rather than be raised by a toxic parent who can't function. But whatever. I'm too tired to feel right now.