College isn't going great. It's like I'm watching a train wreck in slow motion and I can't seem to stop it.

I don't understand the material in my classes as well as I need to. I'm capable of it but I just can't seem to put in the consistent effort needed to succeed. Every week I feel more and more behind where I need to be.

It started off small. I would be a little bit behind so the problem sets were marginally more difficult, but I could push through them. But now there are problems I genuinely can't solve. I read them and reread them and I still barely even understand what they're asking.

And I don't know anyone in my classes. Not well enough to ask for help. Every week I struggle through the problem sets on my own. Usually its fine, but every week its gotten harder. For this week's work, I don't even know where to begin. 

As a result, just to finish the assignment, I cut corners. I put in enough effort to get points and that's it. And consequently I cut corners on my understanding, which just makes the next week harder.

I don't know how to ask the course staff for help. I know there are dedicated sessions to work on the homework, but I don't know where they are. I could ask question in the online forum but it's just gonna result in a short hint that ultimately puts me no closer to being able to work through the problems.

I have very little to look forward to outside of classes. I can't spend time doing something outside of coursework because I'll fall behind.

I need to work on socializing to build some kind of support net, if I do that I fall behind.

There will be days when I feel great. Like everything is going fine and I can accomplish what I need to. But then something slips. I'm really worried about where this is headed. 

I can't see myself succeeding anymore. Maybe scraping by. But nothing further.

"You had a rough week" sure that's true. On a good week I'm fine. But I seem to be having more and more bad weeks as time goes on. And I can't tell anyone.

Well I could, I could tell my parents and they'll just see it as me overthinking. Or they'd listen but ultimately have no advice. "Just do it" or something along those lines. Not in a dismissive way, just not something they can help with. 

And I get it, I don't know how to help me either. That's why I'm rambling like this.

"It's never as bad as you make it out to be." Yeah only because I take drastic measure just to keep myself afloat. All that "overthinking" is the reason I haven't fucked up beyond recovery yet. 

And when I'm like this, worried about my performance, I can't perform. My working memory goes to shit. My focus, gone. I can't learn when I'm overwhelmed with how behind I am.

I don't feel like I'll ever improve. This is just how things are going to be till the day I die. Scraping by. Doing the bare minimum, alone. Slowly scraping away at my resolve till I give up and switch paths.

That's catastrophic as hell but fuck I don't know how things will ever change.

I can't connect with people, I can't complete my coursework, I can't seem to keep up with the material, I don't know how to ask for help. I have so many different problems and I can't fix them all at once.

I'm slowly drowning.

And all of this is pessimistic bullshit that's just in my head. Things aren't that bad. They'll get better. They'll improve. I'm in no worse place than anyone else. 

I can't live like this.

But I will. I'll keep going like I always have. Sometimes I'll feel good about my progress. Other times I won't. But goddamn am I on track to shit away a chance at a great education.

I'm frustrated, my thoughts aren't even coherent. I feel like I'm losing my sanity. I don't know how I can keep pretending to be put together.

It's weird. There will be times where I just feel so disconnected from everyone else. Like the outside world is something I walk through, but can never truly be a part of. I hate it. I don't want to be that person.

I don't want to the person that feels like an outsider. I don't like people who frame themselves as outsiders. It's not realistic, or at the very least avoidable. But I'm doing it.

I find myself thinking in ways that I disprove of. I am who I look down on. Maybe that should give me more sympathy or something. It doesn't. I'm becoming the pathetic person I've tried to avoid becoming. The one I told myself I would never be.

Maybe telling myself that was just denial. Coping mechanism to avoid where I'm really at, to avoid thinking about it.

=========================

Long rambly rant. No idea what I'm even thinking. Nothing that'll really come out of posting this either. I'll calm down. I'll find some way to bullshit this assignment. Things will get better.

Don't read this. Do something better with your time.