I can spend hours in my head alternately loving and hating people (and myself), and I fear that it is literally driving me crazy.

The thought process is, "Wow, \[person\] is a horrible piece of shit, how can I get revenge on them?" to "God, I'm such a sociopath, it's my fault, I am bad, \[person\] was just reacting to me being a piece of shit. I hate myself!"

And this just loops on and on.

Logically, I know no one is all good or all bad, but logic doesn't work with my emotions and internalized beliefs. As much as I repeat to myself, "No one is all good or all bad," these insidious thoughts and feelings creep in until I've worked myself up. 

An ex told me, not unkindly, that he couldn't handle me being up and down all the time. I appreciate that, and agree, but I still think he's an asshole who did many things wrong and treated me like shit. Then I think I'm an asshole and don't deserve to be loved because I'm crazy and mean to people I claim to love.

Even as I write this, my mind is saying, "You're crazy, you're crazy, you're crazy" and "you're a bitch, you're mean, you are probably a psychopath," so I've decided I am all bad at this point.

Ten minutes from now it might be different. I hope so. It's easier to hate others than myself.