**Content warning:** descriptions of abuse by a partner; descriptions of the after-effects of trauma

Hello everyone,

I am currently going through a bit of a reflective phase, trying to further heal from my past experiences with an abusive partner (now diagnosed with BDP). I felt like sharing my thoughts and experiences with people who can possible relate to it. It turned out longer than I planned... Maybe it helps someone - or maybe it just helps me. I am hoping to exchange thoughts with people diagnosed with BDP (especially people who have been abusers) and their (ex)partners (especially people who (have) experience(d) abuse from them).   
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Between the ages of 18 and 20 I was in a relationship with a person. An impulsive, intense, sweet and fun person. But also a person that abused me emotionally, verbally and eventually also physically. Throughout our relationship I was very commited to supporting them, even when I was enduring the abuse. Their manipulative rhetorics and behaviour made it hard for me to see that it all was a slippery slope - and that I was (going to be) the victim.

Even when the abuse reached its worst point, including occasions where they threatened or tried to kill me, I tried to support them and did my best to find a doctor or therapist that could help (which yes, looking back is hard to understand). They seemed willing to get help, but incapable of going through the steps to get it. Something I could relate with, having struggled with depression myself.

But it got to a point where I felt there was nothing I could do to make this situation better. I realised I feared this person so much more than I loved them. I realised I had been broken and that in order to heal, I needed to get out of there.

After we split up, I eventually told them in a polite way that I wished to never to be contacted by them again. They agreed it was probably for the best, but did not keep to the promise and tried to contact me on many occasions throughout the years (often in problematic ways).

It was only months after we split up that I slowly re-learned the feeling of anger; a feeling I had always been too afraid to express with them, out of fear for their agressive and unpredictable outbursts. It was liberating and healing to feel anger for this person and for the things they had done to me. I had to remind myself every day that nothing, including mental health issues, justified what they had done to me.

I promised myself I would not become "weak" again and let them into my life. 

Years later they wrote me out of the blue, saying they wanted to meet me. That they had become aware of how horrible they had been to me, that they wanted to apologize.

I reminded myself of my promise, and never replied.  
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Recently I found-out through a friend, who still is in contact with them, that my ex-partner has now been diagnosed with BDP and is finally getting professional support (I assume therapy and maybe medication?). At first I did not think much of it. I never tried to label or diagnose the behaviours of my ex-partner before, but I guess it did not really surprise me either.

I asked myself the question: does this change anything? Does knowing this help me?  
And I am not really sure if it does. But I have, for the first time in ages, reconsidered the possibility of getting in contact with them. 

I have healed a lot, but not completely. And I wonder if talking with my abuser is gonna help me heal more, or just do more harm.

Something that has always bothered me, is that I felt my abuser never was put in a position where they had to take accountability for their behaviour or experienced consequences for it. Yes, they would have crying fits; saying they felt horrible for what they were doing to me and I could often see the pain in their eyes. But it kind of loses its meaning, when they are threatening to kill you the next day after that... 

I was incredibly protective of them, both out of fear (that if I would tell someone, they would hurt me more) and out of care (worried that they would hurt themselves). This meant that during our relationship, I never told anyone the details of what was going on and what they did to me. Only years after our relationship I would start to open up about their abuse to some friends and eventually a therapist - but all of them were people that had never known this person directly.

Their family, their circle of friends, their employers. None of them ever knew. It is something that still frustrates me.   
My abuser never had to experience any social or legal consequences for their toxic and harmful behaviour. On top of that, I would find out second hand that my abuser twisted a lot of stories to make me look bad and to mask their abuse.   
For a short period of time (not long after we split up) I considered writing a letter to their parents and/or close friends. To "out" my abuser. I wrote the letter, but decided against sending it. It felt too much like revenge at the time (even though I don't believe that was my main motivation), and I did not feel like it would help me to heal. At the same time, I was also afraid and still way too protective; I worried my abuser would lose their only support system (family and friends) as they were not getting any professional support at the time, and that it might drive them over the edge. I also feared that it could trigger their agressive behaviours and that they would try and threaten or hurt me again, if I were to out them for their abusive behaviours.

But I feel the situation has changed now. Years have passed and hearing that they get professional support now and, from what I have heard, are in a more stable position, I feel that maybe the time has come for a personal confrontation. 

Why? Well... let's try and sort this in a clear way.  


**What I think I might get out of a confrontation:**   
**1.** My ex would gas-light me a lot and would say I was at fault for them hurting me, to the point where I started to heavily doubt myself and believe their words. An important thing I did that helped me in my healing process was a document I typed out shortly after we split up, in which I summed up all their abusive behaviours and situations that I could remember at the time. It helped me a lot in times where I was reflecting on our relationship and its effect on me, but could not remember much because of repressed memories.

I would say my personal healing process remains the most important in overcoming the harm that I experienced and I don't want to give the words of my ex more power than they should have.  
But I think talking with my ex in a more stable phase could be another block of many that could help me process and overcome the trauma I am left with. I think it could help me to acknowledge the reality of what happened in a conversation with them. To say/write it out loud: You did this. It had this effect on me. And for them to owe up to it. To carry the weight of their actions and their consequences, like I had to do for many years. I am not interested in an apology and I am not interested to forgive them. This is not about them getting away with a feeling of relieve, but with something to seriously work with and hopefully learn and better themselves from. 

**2.** Setting clear boundaries. The last time I set bounderies with this person (of not wanting any contact with them anymore whatsoever), they were not respected - even years after the fact. This means I still always have this little bit of restlessness and fear in me, because of the "surprise factor". Will they suddenly write me again? Will they try and visit me? Every time they attempted to contact me again, it opened a flood of emotions and anxiety and flashbacks. I am hoping that, now they are more stable and getting professional help, if I would explain to them the importance of clear bounderies and re-set them together, this behaviour might come to an end. Or at least give me a little bit more trust and peace that they will attempt to respect my bounderies more. It would give me some sense of control.   
Even if I were to decide that it would be okay for me to have some sort of regular contact with them again, it is vital for me that it is absolutely on MY terms (for example: only writing e-mails and me giving a sign when I want the contact to stop, in case it turns problematic). To be honest, I don't expect to be interested in starting regular communication with them, but if I were to - it would have to be like that.  


**What I think they might get out of a confrontation:**   
1. Since I broke off all contact with my ex, they never heard of or saw the damage that their behaviour had on me (severe depression, causing me to lose my job. Years of panic attacks and anxiety. Having to completely rebuild my sense of self-worth. Blanking out and dissociating after certain triggers, during conflicts or sex; Repeating problematic dynamics in my relationships after that, for example: always apologizing, making myself small and saying sorry when I was not at fault for anything; struggling to defend myself during conflicts and putting up clear bounderies in my relationships that came after that).  
Regardless of the specific diagnosis of my ex, I would consider it a vital part in their recovery process (specifically if they are interested to owe up to and overcome their abusive tendencies) to become aware of the destructive impact their behaviour can have on people. Since no one in their social circles was aware of what happened, my ex never (as far as I am aware) had any person close to them that confronted them with their abusive behaviour. And to this day I doubt if my abuser was and is aware of what they have done and the severity of it. It also would not surprise me if they repressed a lot of the memories of our relationship.

I really think it is important that abusers of all kind are held accountable and hold themselves accountable for their actions and their own recovery and healing processes. It is their responsibility and their work, no matter how hard it is and what pain they have suffered themselves. But I think it is a lot harder to do that work when they are not being confronted or held accountable by the people around them. When they can start and shape their own versions of reality, because their victims and their witnesses are too afraid to speak up, or when friends and family are trying to protect them. I no longer want to enable that.  


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A close friend of mine has gone through similar experiences (abusive relationship, partner getting diagnosed with BDP afterwards) and it has given me hope. She was especially motivated to get to a stable place of communication, clear bounderies and mutual respect, because they had a child together. It was an absolute communal effort; from her ex, herself, from friends, family, several therapists and social workers... to get to where they are now. She went from having court orders to prevent her ex-partner with BDP from seeing their child, to now having pleasant meetings together every few weeks and effectively avoiding conflict and escalation - maintaining clear bounderies. It might still not be a typical "happy family" situation (and to be clear - they are not together again, but they are managing their parental duties in a very responsible way), but it gives me hope that people can overcome trauma and prevent it from passing on to future generations and relationships. It gives me hope that abusers CAN overcome their abusive behaviour and learn to manage their agression - even with complicated mental health disorders.

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So... I think that is all I have to say for now. Thank you if you have managed to read this all the way through to the end, I appreciate it.

I would love to hear from other people that have picked up communication again or had a confrontation with an abusive ex-partner with BDP, how that turned out and if it helped them to further heal from their past experiences.   
Also would be interested to hear from people diagnosed with BDP that have been confronted about abusive behaviours and if it was in any way helpful or important for their own processes.   
And from both sides: if any of you have advice for how to have a constructive confrontation and setting up clear bounderies/maintaining clear bounderies... I would love to hear from you!

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