**TW: This post contains a number of subjects that some may find anxiety-inducing.**

I’ve suffered from anxiety all my life but the past 3.5 years have gotten so bad that I’m convinced that I’ll never be happy again, and that something awful is going to happen that will ruin my life.

I really want to get this out into the world finally, to have some people to talk to, so for ease I have put the events in order that have made me feel like this. 

1. A family member fraudulently took credit cards out in my name. I was distraught. I’m so careful with money. Nonetheless, I love this family member, so I kept their secret — and agreed they could pay them off. They did, but it took over a year, and that whole time I worried that things were even worse than they appeared.

2. Not long after I became very ill… but absolutely no one could diagnose me. I was in a lot of pain, I couldn’t eat, I had stomach and throat problems and sometimes my face would become paralysed. The doctors started to think I was making it up. I was distraught and anxious and worried I had an incurable disease… or that someone was trying to hurt me. 

3. At the same time, the person I’m closest to in the entire worse revealed they had paedophilic thoughts. They say they have never done anything illegal and I believe them but they did say they’d looked at pornographic anime type things. I was distraught. I thought I knew this person! And because I loved them, I said I would help them. I did. They got better, but it broke me. I started getting intrusive thoughts of what if *I’m* like that… or what if they tried to frame me to make it look like I was the one who was like that. It also hurt a lot. I still loved this person, but I have never been able to trust them fully since.

4. Things cooled down slightly. This person did a lot to try to regain my trust. But then I saw the film Joker and it triggered me. I started having intrusive thoughts of what if *I* could be that violent, especially to the person mentioned in part 3. 

5. Then things got worse. My phone started doing weird things. Coming up with phantom notifications and saying I’d been using it at night when I was asleep. I live with the person I cannot trust fully anymore and I worried maybe they were doing it. But I didn’t want to believe that, so I started worrying that what if it WAS me. What if I do weird stuff on my phone at night OR even worse do other things when I’m asleep at night. 

6. For a while, things got better. I’m not really sure what, but I started seeing a therapist and though I don’t think there was one moment that seemed to fully work, I did manage to put my anxiety aside.

7. But then it came back with a vengeance. My partner said he was having doubts about our relationship. He has done this a few times, but always comes rushing back. At one point, he even asked for an open relationship. But none of this has ever led to a breakup. He always apologises. We have a wonderful relationship otherwise. But I cannot trust him. As you may have guessed, he is the person from earlier. We really do have a great relationship, but all these things… they’ve added up and…

I’ve started to worry if he’s the one trying to frame me. Or at least induce all this anxiety. I know it sounds crazy, but none of these strange things happened before him…

For example, one of my best friends randomly stopped talking to me 3 years ago. My cousin has been bizarre with me in a way I could never have expected. As have several of my family members. 

My partner is a wonderful person, but with all this I can’t help but think “what if?” 

8. Next, one time my partner and I had a fight. He went missing for a few hours needing to clear the air. I freaked out. Had a huge panic attack. He’s never done it again, but I started having this huge anxiety of what if he went missing! Worse: what if it looked like I’d made him go missing? I became so anxious to leave him, worrying that I’d never see him again or that I’d go to prison. I was fine when I was with him, but work and time away were tough.

9. Things have been up and down in regard to 8 since. Circumstances have happened that mean we’re currently apart, which also means that I’m actually less anxious… though I miss him terribly. 

10. But technology woes have also started up again. My work computer has been doing some very strange things recently. We started receiving these dodgy emails say we’d been hacked through a pornographic site, but I’ve always dismissed it, as a. I’d never be that stupid to watch porn on my laptop and b. I have watched porn maybe 6-7 times in my whole life and it’s not my thing. I’ve long suspected that I’m probably on the asexual spectrum. 

Nonetheless, more weird stuff starting happening. My email keeps saying I’m sending emails to people… when I’m not. These download pop ups keep appearing in times when I’m definitely not downloading anything. And other weird things pop up every now and again.

It’s so weird! It’s so so weird! And I’m worried that someone out there is trying to get me, is trying to frame me and make me seem like this terrible person. I really don’t want to believe it’s my partner; he’s done bad things in the past, but he has also been my biggest support throughout this whole thing! He’s good and kind and excellent, despite his flaws.

But what else could it be? Why has all this awful stuff happened? How do I stop feeling like I’m going to be carted off to prison for crimes I haven’t committed or be framed as a person I’m not. 

I’m constantly afraid. I have no ambitions anymore because I feel like there’s no point. It’s hard to have hope. I feel like I’m waiting for the inevitable… for something absolutely terrible to happen.