I am a 17 year old boy and I miss my toxic ex. He used to cheat on me and abuse me a lot when I didn't do something he liked. Note that he is 2 years older than me. He only would hit me when he was drunk. Is it bad that I miss being abused and hurt. I still self-harm and my parents don't know. Is it bad that I want to be in pain but not die? What kind of help do I need?