 TLDR; I am on a slow decline and idk how to put on the breaks 

These past two days have just been such a fucken low for me. If I’m being honest it’s been a really rough year to say the least. This time last year I was married in a house with my FP and my kids. Fighting constantly, kids getting traumatized because they would hear it all, really horrible episodes once a week, juggling a full time job. Now I’m “unemployed”, I’m on short term disability because of the mental hell I’ve been in and I have to return to work Dec 1. I’m living on my own only having joint custody seeing my kids 50% of the time( ages 8,5 &amp; 3).Thankfully from this I have grown a lot and I was finally starting to feel somewhat under control. I’ve been isolated for a few months so there haven’t been many emotional outbursts for me to feel guilty about. But some situations have just really sunk me down again. 

I know what the icing on the cake was but really I think this feeling actually started way before then. Maybe you guys will be able to see something I’m missing. Preface this by saying I have my kids this week and I have just not been about to keep my rage from spiking, I’m constantly on edge, I am calm and patient with them and then I snap. Luckily I’m able to separate myself and not behave intensely or if I do react to it it’s very minor and I’m easily able to stop, but the urges to just go manic are insanely hard to manage regardless. 

So Everything was going okay until my kid told me that “Dad told us he is taking us to another daycare but it’s a secret” so this triggered me right away. I started thinking that he was gonna take them away and he was planning on leaving (he has threatened to take them away because I’m unfit due to my BPD, which sometimes it does feel like he is right), thinking that he was going behind my back and betraying me just to piss me off or that he wasn’t entitled to make big decisions without consulting me, I felt betrayed although I had no evidence to believe this. I didn’t act on those feelings even though what I wanted was to call him out. I knew if I called him out he’d just get defensive and avoidant which gets us nowhere. After that I was just not in a good space and kept getting very stuck in rumination. Well I got my kids on Sunday and it’s been fine. Fast forward to yesterday I have a tattoo appointment that I totally forgot about. I did have the money for it but I didn’t want to spend it and I couldn’t cancel at that point without losing the money I put down so I just choose to go and get the tattoo. I drop my kids off at dads and go to get my tattoo. Meanwhile mom guilt is just brewing in me. I feel horrible for having to leave my kids, horrible that I’m spending money I don’t want to spend, Whatever I’m done with my session And it’s way late, Too late to pick up my kids because they fell asleep at dads. We agree that I pick them up in the morning. I get to my place and the icing on the cake. I have a note on my door. It’s a noise complaint. 

Apparently someone reported my kids were screaming, crying, hitting doors and there was a man yelling. Now this note is mostly true. Because the kids did not want to go to bed they threw a tantrum as kids do and the “man yelling” was my older son who tries to help me get the younger two to bed albeit not efficiently but he knows I’m struggling. Well that just completely broke me. I felt ashamed, the letter might as well have read “horrible mom of the year”. So I’m feeling super defensive about to cut a bitch and I wanna go knock on this pricks door and bitch his ass out because he has no idea wtf I’m going through! I don’t, I’m calm and I don’t react. I stay up all night just so upset. In the morning I’m late to pick up my kids because I went to bed late last night knowing I shouldn’t have. 

Today has been so so bad. I am so disconnected from my kids, I’m feeling like I don’t even want them around me. I get angry over everything they do now. It’s completely irrational. I’m using so much critical language and I just feel heavy. We were eating dinner and the neighbors who put in the complaint were making a ton of noise and I snapped, I screamed “the walls are paper thin!” And then shame hit me because of my behavior. feel like such a damn burden. I’m not good at this life thing. I try and try but I’m just back where I was, nothings changed. 
 
If anyone can help me figure out what I’m supposed to do with these feelings or situations so I can regulate myself plz plz respond.