Today in group therapy (now over video call) I was saying how I had been crying earlier that week whilst doing some weeding, because I felt isolated and alone and unappreciated despite having 5 other people in my house. 

One of the other people plus the therapist started going on about, "You *just* have to *communicate*, if you don't tell others how you feel, or what you want them do do, how will they *ever* know??" 

It felt like a huge tirade against me; like they were having a go at me, or telling me off, and all I heard was, 'You are so stupid, you only had to do *one* thing, and you didn't.' They carried on in the same vein for about ten minutes and I was spiralling deeper and deeper into my perceived take on what they were telling me. I got so angry and upset. 

But I've been thinking, and the thing is, it's *not* 'you just have to....' 

It's 26 years of "Keep quiet. Children should be seen and not heard." when I've been playing with my siblings.

26 years of "Shut UP I have a migraine!!" whenever I've laughed.

26 years of "Leave me alone, I'm busy." when they just go back to playing on the computer. 

26 years of "But Klaus is the *good, quiet child*" as as form of praise.

Years of "Of course I'll always love you, tell me everything about you." before being cheated on and abandoned by the people I was meant to trust the most.

Not even a full minute of "Oh, don't worry about it" from my boss, and a friend, when I told them a man had just touched me inappropriately on two separate occasions.

Hours of "I won't tell anyone, it's okay, you must not really be gay anyway, its okay." as I repeatedly said 'no, please stop' whilst I was being raped by an ex-colleague.

Days of "Shh.. It's our little secret, if you tell anyone, or say anything I'll be sad. You don't want to make me sad, do you?" when I was molested by my uncle. 

An extremely tense few minutes after I told my mum some of what he had done of "Okay. We must never speak of this again."

It's not 'you should just communicate what you need', because I live with all these experiences that tell me it's dangerous to communicate, that tell me it's wrong to say anything. That have been beaten into my head and body for my whole life, physically and mentally and emotionally, that all come together in my brain to tell me that it's *never* 'you just have to....'