Just looking to vent and for some support...

My boyfriend of three years is refusing to talk to me after a huge argument we had Sunday morning. I'm cycling between being terrified of him finally having had enough and leaving me and wanting to blow his phone up to try to fix this to feeling completely numb and prepared in case he wants to ends things with me. I'm so depressed and haven't eaten in days and can barely get out of bed. My house is a mess. I just want to sleep so I don't have to think about it. He knows I hate the silent treatment and I am trying to keep my bpd symptoms in check and give him his space until he's finally ready to talk to me. I am accepting responsibility for my actions and how I made him feel and I'm doing my best not to come across manipulative or like I didn't do something wrong. He told me how embarrassing and disrespectful I am to him, that he'll never bring his friends around me
again and he should slap the shit out of me for how I dare to act. I feel so terrible. I wreck everything even when I don't mean to and am not trying to be hurtful. I feel like I will never be normal and I will never make him happy or be what he wants me to be. I just wish I could go back and fix this but I can't. Now I just want things to stop hurting. I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.