I am, once again, struggling with body image. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I’m 30, and I feel like a teenager again due to these depressing, self-hating and anxiety filled thoughts. I am unable to eat due to the anxiety. This scares me because when I was a teen, I went a long time without eating (ate grapes, maybe a few a day) and eventually I was taken to the hospital and had to be monitored at home. I can’t eat. I hate myself. I hate how socially anxious I get. I hate that I don’t always know the right thing to say. I’m really goofy, and I HATE that about myself. I’m far from a sexy and confident woman. My weight is normal, but I feel huge. Not overweight, but just HUGE compared to other men and women. I am like an ogre. People have always openly commented to me on how huge I am. I am not the prettiest, so this makes it even more difficult. I have larger shoulders, bigger legs, bigger feet, bigger everything. When I try to be sexy in photos, it doesn’t work. I’m in a relationship, and sometimes I see them looking at photos of other women. I feel insecure. Especially if it’s prior to or after sex. I am not a sexy confident woman like I should be. I have such a hippy vibe, and I hate that about myself. I chase people away. I chase people away with my awkwardness. I am chasing people away with my insecurities. This all started again maybe in 2020. I had a mental breakdown and the thoughts just came rushing back. 

I guess I’m just venting. I feel trapped. I feel like I can’t focus. I’m fine with the thought of not waking up tomorrow. I want this pain to end. Therapy doesn’t work. I’m going try and locate a therapist that specializes in DBT. I don’t want to give up.