I had a friend/ex who I was very close to, closest I’ve ever been to anyone for four years. Being in a relationship with him was the first time I realized I probably had BpD and starting seeking help for it.

Since my relationship was online there was a lot of space for insecurity. He was depressive, ignored my messages, would forget our dates, and my mind would spiral. I sent him so many desperate messages, when I look at them now, begging him to talk to me, I feel so guilty that I was such an awful friend and that he would remember me this way. 

I have probably moved on from him as a person, but the guilt still grips me. I have apologized to him many times, since we were close friends I really felt I made major improvements in my reactions, but realizing he didn’t care about me anymore, we stopped talking altogether.

Does anyone else have experience with this? “Forgive yourself” doesn’t seem to be enough. I wish he knew how sorry I am. He probably does, but doesn’t care. I hate to think he would show his friends these texts and dismiss me as so insecure, abusive and immature. I’m hurting really bad, please help.