Every since the beginning of 2020 (beginning of Covid) I started feeling really down. I was super bitter and getting irritated for nothing. That's also when I started experiencing anxiety attacks except I didn't know what they were. I only learnt what they were after getting an appointment with my doctor who explained what it was and prescribed some antidepressants. She offered to put me on sick leave but I told her I would try to power through and eventually quit my job if I couldn't.

Spoiler alert: What the doctor told me and especially the fact that she prescribed antidepressants kind of raised an alarm bell for me, I realized that I couldn't do this anymore for my wellbeing. I couldn't deal with my job anymore so I quit to do something I thought I'd like more and moved away to the countryside to have a yard to enjoy and work from home. I also bought the antidepressants she prescribed but never could bring myself to take them because I was scared of the effect it would have on me. Now in hindsight I probably should have taken them.

Fast forward to today : I managed to power through and get my master's degrees in the new field I wanted to try out, it was a struggle as I had 0 motivation to do anything. If I could bring myself to work for like 2h a day, I'd say that was a productive day but I never used to be like this. At my old work that I didn't like that much, I could work 8am to 5pm with no breaks at all, was well seen by my hierarchy and was even given unsolicited raises, aside from that I was fairly social and was able to manage my dog and family on the other side of the country without any issue and now I just feel useless and lazy, I couldn't even bring myself to call my grandma for Chinese New Year while I used to go back to visit her for this occasion every year and it pains me. But I can't seem to be able to change things because I still have 0 drive to do anything even though I'm supposed to be in a field I actually like and work for myself so I know that all the work I'm going to do is only going to benefit me (in my old work, I didn't like the fact that no matter how hard I worked it was going to fill the pockets of someone else).

At home, I'm still very irritable and often feel like everything I do is useless and will never amount to anything so I end up becoming more forgetful than my usual self which can irritate my SO because he ends up repeating the same things over and over, I understand why he feels like that but I somehow can't help myself to be better.

I'm kind of relieved because I managed to finally take a new doctor appointment to talk about all of this and eventually get help to get out of this 2 year long slump. I also managed to get back to seeing more people thanks to my puppy but I still have no motivation to work and I feel like this situation is endless.

I come from a traditional Asian household so talking about feelings and mental disorders isn't really the norm so all of this is very new to me and I feel like I can't put any words on how I'm feeling and I don't want to talk about this to my SO because I don't want to burden him.