Hi, I'm 28 F and have really struggled with what I think is BPD my whole life. I was put on medication at 18 (prozac) and have been on and off that since. 

Whenever I experience feelings of abandonment and/or rejection from anyone it causes me to spiral out of control. I struggle with my identity and knowing who I am. I feel like I am constantly in the pursuit of trying to find happiness, thinking that if I pick up this new thing/hobby/diet/sex/drugs/alcohol or give up this i'll be cured and find my happiness and who I am but nothing ever works. 

My emotions are so intense and strong it is so painful. I push people away because I am too reliant and nothing they do is good enough to prove that they will stay.

I had an episode last night where I got in a big fight with my mum because she was leaving (she lives abroad). I felt abandoned, scared and lonely. I kicked off so badly - I said terrible, horrible things. I cried so much my eyes hurt so much today. She now has said she doesn't know what to do anymore and she can't help me. 

I have woken up today lost and ashamed by how I have acted. It is like I'm not in my body when these things happen. She does so much for me and I'm so lucky to have her. How can I make amends? I can't say this is a one off as it isn't. It is something I have done constantly to all the people close to me in my life at the slightest sign of them leaving or not doing what I want them to do.

I don't know how to get help here in the UK. I have spoken to my Doctor but they just want to put me back on Medication but the Prozac did make me so sleepy for so many years. Are there any support groups or access to DBT that doesn't cost a fortune? I really need to get some help but I don't know where to start. 

I sometimes feel my symptoms come in waves, I go through a few weeks feeling ok like I can manage and then all of a sudden it hits me with a tonne of bricks and I can't cope.

I just wish the world would swallow me up and take me  away. I don't deserve to be here. Please can someone help me.