It's always the guys with the hugely mixed signals of major red flags combined with tiny bits of kindness that make me feel special and ignore the bad things. I mean he literally said to me that he found me and another girl equal so presumably it just happened to be me that he ended up with that night purely because it was easier or just that I was there. But I still thought I was special somehow. I wanted to rest and he let me lay in his lap and he held my hand and played with my hair and I felt so safe and happy for a moment. He kept saying we should leave and after maybe 3 or 4 times I said okay. I was really really out of it, I had 11 drinks and with medication it hits hard. We got a ride back to the hotel (which he paid for with my money, classy) and we had sex. It was consensual even though I was super drunk. One of the girls was worried about me and came to take me back to my room and put me in bed with a huge bottle of water. I remember her walking me out of his room then turning back to tell him off. I don't know exactly what she said but it was to the effect of 'if you fucking touch her again I'll castrate you'. Maybe that's why he's so distant today. He told me last night a million times that we wouldn't be weird after because I kept saying I didn't want to make things uncomfortable. But this morning he just messaged me 'some of your clothes are in my room still' so I went to get them, he barely looked at me. Today I also tripped and cut my leg really badly, he didn't care at all. Literally everybody tried to help me except him. Even people I didn't know that well. It really hit home that he didn't give a fuck about me. 

So now I am hurt and furious and honestly I feel fucking broken but I'm trying really really hard to not break down because I'm 7000 miles from home with these people for a few months. I'm so scared and worried and angry and lost and I just want to scream and cry and break things but there are 13 other people around me who aren't total pieces of shit so I'm trying so so hard. I'm just crying quietly alone. I don't know what I did wrong or what the fuck he's playing at. The sad thing is that if he wanted to kiss me or hang out or even have sex again I would jump at the chance. I so desperately need his approval now that he's taken it away from me.