Although my partner who I love completely with all of my heart and would do anything for has my full trust, I can't share the emotions I feel to a near accurate extent. When my brain is telling me that I'd be better off dead and I so desperately want to be, I can't share that. I can't stress them out with those things because it opens so many doors. The way they are, they would take it as a fault of their own like they aren't doing enough to be there and support me when they are the biggest pillar of support I have in my life. They have bad anxiety so they would constantly be concerned by this. All of this makes me feel like if I told them even half of the extent of what I feel when I say, "I'm not doing too well today" or similar it would be emotionally abusive?
Another reason, selfish but true, is that I'm terrified if I ever explained how I feel sometimes it would make me seem like a hassle to them and they would leave me. I already feel like they are loosing interest in me cause I have no personality and it's making my insecurity go wild.
I could never actually do it because I know how much it would hurt them but it's just frustrating that I can't share these things cause I don't ever want to lie to them and even half truths make me feel guilty. I really don't deserve them for any reason and they deserve so much better and I feel guilty for not pointing that out.
Fuck.