Hello everyone, I have been trying to read up on some things to figure out what might be going on with me. Reading all of these stories has made me realize that I have quite a lot in common. I'm not in any way looking to be diagnosed, I'm in the process of trying to figure out a way to see a psychiatrist (I have no money). But does any of this sound like it could be bpd? Or does it seem like something else? Any ideas would be helpful. :)

I have been struggling with this for a fee years now and it's getting a lot worse. All my relationships seem to be chaotic. They start out amazing and slowly start to crash. For example in This one I feel like some days I love him dearly and others I cannot stand to be near him. If he does something I do t agree with I immediately feel like he's bad. If we have a good day I feel he is my shining light. There is no in between. I also seem to be having extreme mood swings. One minute I am smiling and laughing, the next in pissed or sad and I realize it's usually over things that shouldn't even cause such a reaction. 

This is particularly evident in my crying spells. Someone might say something critical or my partner and I might have a very small disagreement and I will burst into tears. I then will end up in a full panic attack complete with hot flashes, shaking, hyperventilating, sobbing and fear that they hate me and will leave me. Usually I feel a sense of worthlessness as well. These spells can last 20 mins to an hour or more. I am aware that it's an overreaction while it's happening too, but I can't help myself. Which makes it worse. 

I also have a history with cutting. Though it was not in any way for suicidal reasons or attention. They were only deep enough to scare and the purpose was because I felt out of control. It was, hmm how to explain this, like might mental state was such a shit storm that cutting not only made me focus the pain elsewhere but also to just focus in general. My cutting was not with a razor in a sudden motion. But with a dagger that I drug over my skin over and over cutting each layer away until I saw blood. Then I'd stop. It helped ease my panic, but I realized how dangerous and unhealthy that habit was so I have since quit. Though the urge still lingers. I have a history of hitting myself when I am upset too and this has been going on since I was a child. I'd punch myself in the legs and genitals (I believe this has to do with some sexual abuse that occurred in my childhood) I'd also dig fingernails into my arm or pinch my arms. 

Sometimes I find myself zoned out. A blank face and my mind is elsewhere. I can sit like that for hours staring at the wall just thinking. It's like I'm going away in my head to escape. 

Back to my bf, I seem to have some serious issue with intimacy yet what him around but also don't want him around. It's confusing. Like I have basically no sex drive currently. I don't even want to be hugged or kissed. But I want to know he loves me and that he won't leave me. I know it sends mixed signals to him and I hate that. I just feel like i dont know how to be me or be in a normal relationship.  Once he was just going to smoke after a fight, I leaped and ran for the door and closed it and stood in front of it begging him not to leave me. He was shocked and so was I afterwards. I feel like my actions just don't seem right. I feel Iike I overreact over everything. I also feel to much. If he is angry, I get angry and scared. Like I pick up his emotions..actually anyone I'm arounds emotions. 

Sometimes I just feel like who really fuck am I? I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I am 27! I change my interests based on my friends and people around me. It's like I'm not real, just an actress. It's really hard and depressing. I feel this huge emptiness so much of the time. Where in not sad, happy, mad..I'm just nothing, empty. 

I have recently this month started to hear things and see and feel things too. I had headphones on, noise canceling, and heard "hey.......what are you doing" I have heard what I thought was my bf saying something and he hasn't. Thought I heard music too one night. I have seen "shadows" and also felt like something joes on my bed and lightly walked on the bed, like a cat. It felt like four legs...no cats around. So idk if I'm loosing my mind or if it's haunted here hahaha 

On top of all that I seem to have an nightmare problem. I have nightmares I'd say most nights. And I remember all of them vividly. This has been an issue for most of my life. Idk if that is any connection to all of the things above or not.

Any enlightenment on what some possible things going on with me could be would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my wits end and am emotionally and physicality drained. Sorry for such a long ass post, but wanted to try to be as detailed as I could. 