My wife and I have been with each other for so many  years.

We have kids 2 girls and shes pregnant. We own our home, cars, and have little to no bills. In fact, we're on a vacation right now in Germany. 

I provide monetarily for our household.  My kids make me so happy. My wife makes me happy... but I am broken.

I am broken because I have depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Sometimes it's hard for me to control them. I'm new at trying... well be going to therapy for like 5 years now.

Today, I got frustrated with her and I said, let's just go back to the hotel. She was taking along time to get anywhere due to her being pregnant. I wasn't being thoughtful or patient with her. I said something snippy and that was that.

She starts to cry, I start to try damage control. 

The thing is, I can not handle it when she cries. I reminds me of my dad being terrible to mom and it makes me feel like shit. 

I want to change this aspect of me but it's hard. I am a synicle person, I hate people, and the world is too complex, sad, and often scarry. 

When we have these fights I have a strong strong desire to end it. 

I start thinking, that subway looks nice, maybe my balcony is heigh enough. Perhaps I'll just walk up to some gang members and ask them to shoot me.

Idk. I feel such rage sometimes. I just want to hurt something physically but I never would or could. 

My wife is so tired if my mental health that I'm afraid she's just gonna leave me one day. 

I don't know if I'm venting or spiraling down to 0. 

Sorry for the long post. It's my first time and I just needed to get this out.