I've been a people pleaser my whole life. I've don't things that are wrong because I felt like if I stopped holding back impulses and presented everything as a joke I'd be liked. I made shitty friends and learned how to be shitty. I was tired of being shut out for saying no and keeping to myself. I feel like I don't deserve to live. I've been trying hard to unlearn all the harmful things I've lived by and internalized but if I've done all the harm my mind tells me I have then there is nothing to heal from if I am the problem. I hip bumped my brother from behind as a greeting a couple years ago because my mom would poke, hip bump from the side as greetings. Now I see that it was most likely assault. I probably made him uncomfortable as hell and it makes my heart ache.