I tried searching for a BPD subreddit, with no success. And every single post regarding BPD and relationships outside of this subreddit are all very BPD-bashing, and go along the lines of, "Leave that crazy bitch!"

I am a 19 year old female with Borderline Personality Disorder. Trying to keep this post short, I won't get into my life story or anything. But I grew up with a very dysfunctional family. Past emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from my father at a young age. I was in therapy for 10 years of my life, been in and out of Psychiatric Hospitals, was in a lock down treatment center for one year of my life, and have been on various medications. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and lastly Borderline Personality Disorder. Having done every Psychological Evaluation possible, I have been undiagnosed with everything except for BPD and Major Depression.

I am very nervous about posting all of that information, because re-reading it, I really do sound like a nutcase. Truthfully, I lead a very normal life. I live with roommates, hold a steady job, am finally going to school (studying psychology!), and you would never guess my history from interacting with me. I haven't taken any medication or participated in any therapy for almost two years, preferring to take a more holistic route through Yoga, Meditation, a healthy diet, and exercise.

For the most part, I've been doing a lot better. That is, when I'm not dealing with any form of relationship. Over the past year, for various reasons, both mine and the other's faults, I have lost every single relationship I had held onto. I got out of a terrible one year relationship. (He cheated on with me with my best friend.) Of course, drama ensued and long story short, with the mix of that fucked-upness and my fucked-upness, I lost the small circle of friends that I did have. In a way, that "traumatized" me into steering clear of all connections. For the most part, I have stayed away from society this past year, and though it's lonely, it's been quite more peaceful that way.

Back in April, I began dating somebody. He's a bit older, 24, and because I feared growing any form of connection, I kept it very casual. I made it very clear to him that nothing serious was going to happen between us, and that he essentially was a really good friend that I went on dates with, cuddled with, etc. He's been extremely fond of me since we first started seeing each other, and asked me to be his girlfriend multiple times throughout the months. Out of fear of getting hurt again, and most importantly, the fear of me pushing away yet another person, I kept telling him no. Of course, walls broke down bit by bit. Talks became more intimate, and after sleeping together, I of course completely broke past my block and have started becoming attached. We officially became a couple last month. Now, he isn't completely oblivious to my secret. We have had quite a few deep conversations. He knows that I was hospitalized and put in treatment. (I had told him beforehand that it was a boarding school.) He also knows that I was formerly diagnosed with things, and still am with depression. He is extremely supportive, has seen me in some of my worst states, and has been so incredibly patient, caring, calm, and empathetic.

Reddit, *I don't want to lose this.*

I don't want to manipulate him. I don't want to sabotage him. I don't want to drive him into insanity with my mood swings and emotional breakdowns. He keeps saying he won't leave, that he supports me, and that he understands, but as fellow sufferers of depression and BPD, I'm sure many of you have heard that before, as have I. Another thing that worries me, is that depression and suicide are very sensitive topics to him due to trauma over his best friend killing himself, and him witnessing it. I had just about cried when I heard that. And the last fucking thing I would ever want to do is trigger a bad memory for him, or hurt him in any way.

It seems that I do fine on my own. I'm very independent. It's as if I have nothing to lose. But now, I do have something to lose, and that makes me go into this day after day avalanche of emotions, and attachment, and being scared of abandonment, and hating myself for feeling these things. Part of me thinks that I should've just left things as they were, kept my independence and stayed home reading Sylvia Plath while cuddling with my cat. But then another part of me tells me I've never had somebody so wonderful in my life and I would be stupid to pass that up. BUT WAIT, my brain continues to go on. You'll drive him away anyways with how fucked up you are!

Okay, okay. I know I'm ranting now. To the point... Is there anyone else out there with Borderline Personality Disorder who knows how to hold a healthy relationship, or a recovered BPD who has advice? Or even somebody who has or is dating someone with BPD who knows how to cope? Should I tell him about it? If so, how? Any form of advice. I don't have health insurance, I can't afford certain therapies that I know would benefit, so this is the best I've got. If you've read this far, you're a saint. Or you're just incredibly bored. Either way, thank you.