For years I've felt like I don't have love from anyone in my life. I have slowly stopped caring about everything and stopped wanting to move forward. I stopped seeing the point. Through all this, one person gave me reason because I wanted to see them every single day. I still do. One person I loved so much I couldn't stop thinking about her. I haven't been able to stop even now. No matter what I do, no matter when, no matter how mad, I always think about her and love her. I started to feel like she hasn't loved me in long time. Each time I sought out validation I never got it from her. Each time I spoke to fix things she got angry. I know I was a burden to her. I know many things are my fault, and I know I'm the one who left her. I didn't want to. She told me yesterday I should so today I tried to talk with her about this and how much it hurt and all she said was "sorry" without any emotion. I told her I had been thinking an about doing what she said, leaving her. All she said was " I don't care". I left her because that showed me that I was right and she never really did. Or maybe she did. She told me later she said that out of anger. I feel alone. I don't feel loved by anyone. I don't want to die, I've never had those thoughts. but I don't want to do anything anymore. Everything seems pointless without her. I can't see my life without her. All the things I planned for the two of us. I wanted to tell her I was going to get therapy for my autism and that I was thinking and decided she was right in that I was being idiotic to ask her to not drink because of my trauma as a child. I was going to tell her I wanted to move up the proposal I was going to give because I don't see my life without her. I wanted to tell her she's my everything and all I want is for her to just make me feel like she loves and respects me. She hasn't made me feel that way in a long time. I keep wishing she would just call me and ask if we could work on things. But she showed no emotion as she moves her things out, so I doubt she would want to. I wish I could rewind time. I wish I wasnt me.