I've been struggling for so long and even though I had suspicion that I was dealing with bod for about a year it was only just recently confirmed by my psychiatrist. I told her right off the bat that I always try to present myself as better than I am and more responsible. She said I seemed rather high functioning and that I'd probably be fine after one short dbt program that's like 4 months long. Which im not disagreeing with who knows I truly hope I can recover that fast. The thing im struggling with is the "high functioning" facade i put on and literally cannot stop. It feels like its tied into my identity issues because sometimes it feels like im living multiple lives at once. Around family and strangers I act so extremely responsible and fine, but on my own or around my revolving door of close friends I get suicidal, self harm, binge drink, breakdown, push them away, etc. But even those close friends seem to think im fine. It makes me question if im just being dramatic for attention but its so obvious that im not because all my sadness and self destructive tendencies are directed inwards in private. 

Im just so tired of even trying. Im tired of putting on this facade and I don't even know why I do it but its so hard to stop. I just want to isolate again. I can feel myself about to spiral because I feel so alone and like no one can truly see me and my suffering. I feel embarrassed. Someone please help me. I know no one can, but I just don't know what to do. I'm so alone with how im feeling always and it feels like no one ever understands.