back in january my family made a reservation for june at this fancy restaurant in the city. i knew i was scared to go, because i felt overwhelmed by the thought of traveling in a car with my parents, sister, and her boyfriend in the city on the other side of the bridge, and not being able to leave whenever i want. i ended up backing out the day before and they went without me because i just couldn’t bear the thought of it. it made me so anxious. 

tonight i get a text from my dad that said “5:45 for dinner tomorrow, love you.” i panicked. i had no idea what he was talking about. ive already been feeling tremendous anxiety about going out to lunch for father’s day sunday. i called him and said i didn’t know what dinner he was talking about it or when we made these plans. i guess my sister had mentioned it to me one time two weeks ago, and i completely pushed it out of my mind and no one brought it up to me since. i pretty much told him i don’t think i can go because i didn’t know about these plans and i’m already feeling overwhelmed about going out sunday. 

i feel like shit. i don’t participate in anything. i get scared. i never make plans with my friends and can’t even commit to making a time for a phone call or facetime with them. my family and friends know about my mental illness but it’s so hard to explain to them how it feels. 

i wasn’t always like this. even four years ago i was down to do pretty much anything. i don’t know what changed