Hello everyone.

I'm a 20 year old girl currently at my 2nd year of university. I study something that is not my cup of tea but due to pressure from parents to do sth I went along with it. Went there totally unprepared with zero knowledge. Ofc, everyone else was just a bunch of experts. No, like literally. 35-40yo ppl with tons of experience and academic background are my classmates in this bachelor's degree. I struggled like crazy due to being in my first year and drowning into the ocean alone. It all started during the 1st lockdown. Barely passing, barely any recognition of my work, just pure hectic life.

On top of that, I had just broken up from my 1,5 year long distance relationship with a guy I really wanted it to work. As you may understand, it was difficult af to move on to this new reality while carrying a heartbreak at the same time. A while before I left my country of origin to go study abroad my high school philosophy teacher and I had become best friends and she was like a second parent to me. We had common interests, always something there to discuss. It felt so comforting knowing that someone is there to listen. I had 2-3 friends my age too at the time whom we'd vibe with. Kid u not guys, fast forward to lockdown everybody vanished for no reason, without any closure. Nothing. Just never spoke to me again. It was almost literally like a domino effect, one after the other. There was never a fight or a misunderstanding causing this. Still I have no closure. I was alone all summer. And im the introverted type of person, so this was not something new that made me sad or I couldn't stand it. I been a loner all my life. But at some point...It really did start becoming lonely... I'm not blaming anyone, I'm wishing well for all, and then I think to myself...Nobody owes me nothing...not even a closure. They felt like cutting me off cuz they simply felt like it, cool, so be it. It hurt me but I didn't dwell on it obsessively.

I haven't had intercourse with anyone yet. Virgin at 20. And this is something that was messing up my confidence. Everybody around me started fucking, sleeping around cuz it was "fun"or even started a family and here I am, not being able to say I know what any of this feels. I just never felt the need to rush it unless I could trust and vibe with the other person. So many people I had met never really clicked with me to say "yes now I feel ready to take it a step further with you... It just never felt right to me giving something so intimate of mine to someone who after me is gonna do it with anyone else regardless lol.. So I wait... The events that took place with my friends and my exes in the past have made me incredibly closed off. Yes,I would enjoy my own company and stuff, but now it has become too much. I do not have a single friend, im in my shell and I find it impossible to trust. Deleted majority of my insta followers cuz in reality I didn't have a single true friend to go out for a coffee with...

And I know things have gotten worse when I can barely get out of bed and attend lectures in person, or present a project or walk on the massive hallways full of people without crying or getting massive anxiety. Even going out has become a "courageous" act lol. University been stressing me out like crazy. My mental health has been deteriorating and everyone seems to be in a constant "meh, can't relate" state. No one to talk to. Nowhere to vent, so here I am...

Thank you for hearing me out.....