So I’m about to be a junior in high school and due to a lack of anything better to do over the summer, I’ve been doing a ton of self reflection during basically any task, from the menial to not menial. Almost always I reflect on my poorer moments of which there are many, times when I was an absolute dick to people, stupid things I’ve did, stupid drama I was involved in, the amount of stupid stuff I’ve said that goes against my intentions, all of which become constant thoughts in my head. Most of it isn’t even recent, a lot of it is elementary and middle school stuff. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve questioned who I am as a person, since I’ve always presented myself as a very polite person(and still do) but whenever I think of those lesser moments, I feel like I’m doing some fake performance, like I’m deceiving everyone into thinking I’m a better person than I actually am. Nowadays I question every thing I do, every impulsive thing I say moments after they happen and immediately think about them over and over again like a broken record and it’s making me lose my mind. I know the simple answer is to just not think about it but I can’t simply not think about it. I feel like I’ve let everyone in my family and (admittedly small) friend group down and that none of them would want to touch me with a 10 foot pole if they knew what kind of things I’ve done in the past and I know it’s irrational to think such things but I don’t know what to do because I feel like I’m starting to misremember specific events in my life because other people recall them differently and I keep thinking of them over time. It’s genuinely driving me insane so I want to know how I can stop think about this but I can’t stop think about it. It’s like im trying desperately to both see the worst in my self and the best at the same time and the fact that I seem to be the only one who remembers these moments (as most of those present during these moments who I still keep in touch with) makes me question it even more as I can’t tell if that means I’ve been forgiven or they simply don’t care or just forgotten or what. Its driving me nuts