I want to believe that I’m a good person 
That I don’t have to reach deep within myself to show the world I’m not this heartless person 
I want to believe I’m capable of love and care without making everything a competition 
I want to believe that I could care enough about anything other than my own reputation 
I wonder if there will ever be a version of me who doesn’t victimize myself every chance I get to make up for the silent suffering I endured as a child 
I wonder if my attention craving is truly rooted from my unseen childhood trauma 
Does that little girl still live inside me begging to be seen, to be heard
Or maybe I’m just not a good person and I’m desperately looking for reasons to justify why I am the way I am
I want to believe I’m a good person 
But a good person would want to make a change to become just that 
But that is something i simply have no desire for