i cut off an emotionally and mentally abusive friend last year and after that i fell into a rumination addiction and i have been ruminating about the things they said to me over and over every single day for a year straight. i feel disgusted because it was my first male friend and now i’m scared that every male will be like him too. i feel disgusted that i let a grown dude manipulate me, demand me around, and screech at me. he would scream at me every time i said something that wasn’t a response or reply to him and he would screech at me saying i was way too “weird”, “random”,
and “unfunny” and told me that i don’t “make any sense” just cause i wanted to share a funny little story that happened to me during my day. just cause i stepped out of being his reaction machine for a little. anything that wasn’t a reaction to him would make him screech at me. he was a narcissist would talk about himself and expect a reaction for everything. i keep thinking about moments where it was my perfect chance to cut him off but i didn’t and i regret it so much. he was obsessed with provoking me and making me into the villain and himself the hurt victim if i spoke up for myself. i also regret being a people pleaser and following his demands. i let him control and manipulate me because if i spoke up he would punish me for speaking up so stayed silent since that. he would say the most our of pocket insults and then say “i’m just kidding” or quickly go back to acting normal before i could even process it. sometimes i’ll be in a psychology class and my rumination will overtake me and ill find myself wanting to cry and just not want to live anymore. its ruining me, the rumination is ruining me the regret of not protecting my peace until it was too late and i already had brain damage is ruining me. it’s like he had every bad quality put into him. he was so abusive. he would abuse a word so much to the point where i see it now and it triggers the bad memories. how do i get over this?