I(23F) ended an abusive relationship two years ago. I spent a year and a half recovering and it was the most traumatic experience emotionally in my life to happen in a short period. 

Around a year ago I tried dating again. Things didn’t go well, men where I am from are notoriously assholes or terrible, and I gave up after multiple bad experiences, realizing I wouldn’t find what I’m looking for here. I was planning to eventually move somewhere new anyway so I didn’t care. I focused on myself, grew as a person and learned to be happy getting on discord and gaming with my friends every night and doing my own thing. 

I recently graduated from my masters and job hunting has been.. interesting. My computer recently died so it’s safe to say that recently… my boredom has been very extreme. 

I ended up getting on bumble cause I wanted to check something and said f it I’ll swipe and see. I matched with this guy from another city, and we hit it off SO WELL. We had deep talks on the first few days of chatting, stay up well in the night texting. Things were flowing and we have so much in common. I was shocked and thought holy shit, is he possible my next partner?

Three days before our planned date he tells me he tested positive and in quarantining for two weeks. Since then our conversations went from staying up to a few texts every few or couple days. He’s got midterms too. So for the first week like this I made sure to rationalize and remind myself other people have their life. I don’t expect him to be free and always text me, not even the slightest, but something just bothered me at the sudden drop of 100 to 0. It doesn’t hurt to text for 5 minutes at the end of the day to have a short chat and show he’s still interested. Currently we exchange a couple texts before he disappears again for a couple days. Part of me says he’s just busy, still interested, and he’d tell me if he’s no longer interested. But I also have had so many guys just ghost or phase out, thinking it’s just easier that way. 

This has been wrecking my mental health. I am always trying to be the cool collected person  who uses a good balance of reasoning and emotions to make decisions. My abusive ex used the hot and cold manipulation technique on me so this kinda triggered some anxiety. Mind you I do not think the new guy is actively doing this to me.

Part of me is like it’s not worth it, just end things. But I never like someone as I’m grey-sexual so another part of me is like what if this is the right one? What if you give up something that could be really good?

I’ve gone into a massive depressive state from a lot of shit piling on, but this was like the cherry on top just making it worse. 

I want to add that I’m not like this in a committed relationship. I struggle investing emotions into new relationships that might not work out - both platonic and romantic. This current situation is so read and I just want to talk it out with him. But it’s like getting harder and harder to get a hold of him. 

I don’t get how I went from happily being single to my current state so easily. Does anyone know how I can get him off my mind and refocus myself? I don’t know how I built all of this progress with myself only for it to crumble so quickly. 

Most of my hobbies are gaming or writing which I never a computer for, and I don’t have one, so it’s really hard atm.