At this evening I've come to realization, that my depression may be so severe, because when I was a child I was never really talking about my feelings with anyone. I don't know why, I had a friend I could trust, but I was just too embarrassed to say anything about being beaten and bullied by my own mother, feeling a little bit neglected by father etc. As a little shithead I thought that suppressing all my emotions is OK and nothing bad can happen because of it. Fuck my smaller version. Sadness, grief, anger, everything was pressing down by my naive, inexperienced, young mind, that thought  I am strong enough to handle this alone. 

Well, now I know I was wrong. I wasn't strong enough. Suppressing everything made me feel so miserable, that I can't cry now. I also can't truly laugh. My self esteem doesn't exist and, oh God, I think that suicide is probably the only way to get out of that loop. 

I am writing this because I need to vent my emotions and I am also curious, if anybody else can relate. Thank you, I wish you all good night.