Is it possible to “get used to” depression? 

I don’t really know if I really have depression or I’m just a sad person but since elementary, I’ve been just wanting to kill myself. Throughout high school, I would have suicidal thoughts here and there but I was mostly distracted with school work so it didn’t bother me as much. After graduating, I realized the thoughts just got worse and i joke about offing myself cause I use dark humour as a coping mechanism I guess. 

I thought about going to the doctor but I feel like I’m just being dramatic. Even if I do get prescribed antidepressants, I don’t want to take them because I hate medicine and I don’t want to get better? I just feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I function fine but I overthink a lot and I live by the “secondhand suicide” phrase.

Mental health problems don’t “exist” in my family so it’s not something I can really talk about.