For the past week it has been a waiting game and  a lot of self-control. Today the results came and he has lymphoma(blood cancer). I knew it from the symptoms but my mind was trying to fight itself, hoping and praying. 

I know I have to be there so I will travel back and forth for him. He is my FP so I can't lose him. I know that it is treatable but the thought of him going through chemo is making my chest hurt, it physically hurts. I'm feeling too much. Like my mind is caving in to suicidal ideation but I'm gonna keep pushing and rationalizing myself till it goes away.

I would do anything for this man. I live in Asia and he lives in Europe. Things changed so fast and I'm doing my best not to dissociate in reality. I don't have many friends in real life. My only two best friends live overseas so basically physically I have noone here. I'm sorry I need a lot of support I feel like normal people wouldn't understand how immense this pain is inside. I love this community a lot so I only feel comfortable opening up here.