I've been in a massive rut lately. A romantic relationship ended, my experiments aren't working (I'm a scientist), and the holidays were pure shit as I know they also were for some of you.

In the midst of my diagnosis/recovery, I picked up rock climbing as a hobby.

It was something I had tried with my ex. The serious, we were engaged ex. He bought me all of my own gear. A couple of months later, he ended it, right at the beginning of 2016.

I felt uneasy about climbing again. It was something I had loved and took to naturally, yet it was tainted with memories of my ex. I didn't have a gym either.

Fast forward to the spring. I was actively in DBT skills group and taking medication. A new coworker asked me if I wanted to go with him to a new gym by my house. A couple of my other coworkers started going too. I fell back in love with climbing again and started advancing.

There were setbacks--I gave myself wicked tendinitis when I climbed too hard too fast. I got busy with school. I couldn't always find belay partners. But I kept going when I could. 

I eventually met a guy who climbed there too. He was cute and kind and perfect. Until he wasn't and we broke up, kind of mutually, kind of not, kind of for good reasons, kind of not.

It's taken me a couple of weeks to get back to it again. I was initially reluctant and worried about running into him there--or worse. Seeing him with other cooler, better girls. Still, I forced myself to go, practicing opposite action in the truest sense and repeatedly exposing myself to a familiar, seemingly tainted environment.

I would have pep talks with myself in my car on the way over, listening to heavy metal with the volume cranked. Envisioning myself walking in and possibly seeing him. Figuring out what I would do if I did see him. Coping ahead.

Once I was in the actual gym, I forced myself to make eye contact with everyone. I actively looked around the gym and refrained from hiding. I walked around to different parts, recalling other times I had been in those places and reaclimating with little things (the drinking fountain, the treadmill, etc.)

I reminded myself that I belonged there and that I had countless memories there with friends compared to the few I had with him. I reminded myself that climbing was also my hobby and that he couldn't steal it from me. And that even though he is a better climber and his friends might be better than me, I have only been climbing for 6 months. I'm doing pretty damn good for 6 months.

DBT talks about novelty and how the brain rewards us for trying new things. Today I went to a different gym with a friend and tried bouldering for the first time. It was so much fun. And I was so glad and still am incredibly glad that I won't let one person taint an entire experience.