Hello everyone,

I have had all my problems inside me for ages and I just want to type it out for once. I am struggling with life and I am at a point where I am about to break and I am scared of what that will look like. So I feel like it would help to just type it all out.

**My sex and love life (kinda explicit):**

I am 23, male and gay. I got raped at 18 with no condom or lube. I was at the hospital and ended up getting HPV. I didn´t look at my butt for years and now I suffer from an ugly behind (it's quite literally ugly), constant hemorrhoids, and STILL have genital warts every now and then. I did not have sex ever since. People tell me I am cute, I have a cute body but everything else is garbage and nonfunctional. See below

I finally found a really cute guy from my hometown and we even went to the same school! We had great dates. We cuddled for hours and made out and I told him about it (not in detail, just that I had a really bad experience). He was really cute and offered to be the bottom for the first while if I am not comfortable. Here comes my next struggle: not once during all this cuddling and kissing was I hard because I guess I have some kind of ED. I got circumcised as a kid and e.g. can't get handjobs because it is too sensitive on the one side. So I have a big problem of staying or even getting hard during intimacy which completely destroys my self-esteem. I am already (quite literally) fucked anal-wise because of my trauma and HPV and now I can't even satisfy the partner from the other side. This makes me so mad and I just want a normal ass life with a normal ass (quite literally, again), normal penis and normal sex life.

I am addicted to porn and stopped watching it. I am attracted to crazy kinks (idk why maybe cause of my trauma) and it made me desensitized to vanilla sex or something. Even tho I already had this problem before I got raped.

**My social life:**

I literally don't have friends. I have one friend in another town and I am introverted and shy. Covid stopped everything and destroyed my possibility of making friends in my college town. (now I am almost done studying).

**Career:**

Ever since covid, I feel like I learned nothing. I kinda hate my study field (IT and business) and now I am almost done (one semester left). I have no motivation, I had no internships, I feel like I know nothing. I was so lazy and had burnout that I just kinda forgot about my career. I just always had other things on my mind like my sex and love life.

I have like no network or anything.

**Family:**

divorced, an only child, not out to my family that I am gay. No dog, no distant family, nothing. I never had any family connection at all, my one side speaks only Serbian while my dad never taught me Serbian (thanks dad) and my mum and dad separated really ugly. I also have 0 connections to my mum's family side.

Overall I am not motivated to do anything, have constant life struggles EVERYWHERE. From hemorrhoids to friends or family. I have no one to tell this, I don't want to go to therapy because ain't nobody gonna pay for that and I just struggle to keep it up.

&amp;#x200B;

I am scared of losing the cute guy I just met because I can't satisfy him sexually. He is literally so cute and hot and I don't deserve him.

I am scared that I have no friends for a wedding that throw a party for me. I am scared of missing out on so much life (basically past 5 years). I am scared of becoming deeply depressed and it becomes worse than it already is. I think I am depressed because I can´t do anything for my work and I am not motivated for anything anymore.

I am actually kinda proud of myself for how far I have come and how I have the ability to just keep going even tho my life is so fucking shit.

Not everything was bad tho, I had an amazing exchange semester in the US and work and travel in Australia (despite getting raped there. At least it was towards the end :)). Yet I feel like I can´t seem to enjoy good things in my life due to all the shitty things I mentioned above.

From all the things mentioned, I struggle with the sex life thing the most. I so love and touch-deprived it is not even funny. I literally cuddled the cute guy for 6 HOURS. Because it has been so long for me.

&amp;#x200B;

That's my story, thanks if you read it and I don't even know why I did this but I just wanted to get it out. Maybe some advice or nice words :/