Ever since I had my first (hypo?)manic episode I have felt fractured. I began painting frantically and frequently for weeks, and I was convinced my work was of merit and in this merit my life had found direction. I had never painted before. It has been a number of years and I still paint! I enjoy it, though it doesn’t capture me as it did then. I also wrote poems… Hundreds over the span of a year or two- things that mythologized my life and gave it content and character. I’m not sure if the creative act was motivated by some imbalance within my body, or if I had found purpose. How do you all deal with notions of purpose? Do you struggles with unstable conceptions of your aptitude and intelligence as it is related to this purpose? How do you find fact? I’ve been tested a bunch and my IQ is high, but I think those tests are bullshit. In mania I am a genius, in euthymia I am competent and in depression I’m a dullard. I feel like a mix of the three quite often. I don’t know how to separate these aspects of myself to find something grounded.