
I hate it more than everything. Maybe because of all the guilt I carry with me and that I've been carrying with me since childhood.

I hate when people pretend to have the moral high ground on everyone else because they've only ever been perfect. They've only ever been the victims of other's mistreatment, never the perpetrator.

I'll be honest. I've been a terrible person. When I got my first phone, age 12 and onwards, I had a habit of ghosting people. Straight up not replying to anybody. I would not make friends because I had strictly no emotional attachment to anybody. Couldn't form any. I never wanted to see my friends because I had no interest in doing so. All I ever wanted was to be left alone to my "hyperfixations". Love's rarely ever been genuine from my end as a child. I've hurt people because of this. I still do to this day. I've hurt people that never deserved it, that deserved so much better. I've hurt people and I regret it so deeply.

But what, then? I was a child. I was a literal child, a teenager at most. I had been emotionally and physically abused and witnessed domestic violence (not on my parents, on a sibling) for +5 years at this point. Does that make me the bad guy?

To these people, it does. Because God forbid you do anything wrong in any context at any point in your life. You're the bad guy and you will always be the bad guy no matter how hard you wish things had been different. No matter how powerless you were. It's always gonna be your fault. Like holy shit, I'm the one with BPD and you're the one applying such a black/white no nuance allowed reasoning on me? Talk about irony.

And you'll have people say shit like, "but your trauma doesn't excuse anything!!!!!" I was a CHILD. I didn't know any better. I could never have known any better. No one gave me help. I was met with violence whenever I would try and express my discomfort in life. And now I'm literally helpless in life, unable to make friends and stay friends with them, unable to have stable relationships, unable to treat people right because everything sets me off and I'm always one minor inconvenience away from killing myself.

I fucking hate everything lol.

Don't reply if you're just gonna tell me I'm a bad person. I know. I'm aware, thanks. Already makes me want to off myself well enough.