I was diagnosed with borderline and bipolar, but predominantly borderline... I'm being treated with depakote er and antidepressant.  but I see myself with no way out, I have problems with the family, a love relationship because I'm too jealous and I'm suspicious.  I'm taking my medicines but they are expensive and I keep taking them normally when I get better I stop, then I take them again but this is giving me many crises, I still live with my parents and my mother doesn't understand my disease nor does she try to go with me to the psychiatrist.  I'm happy later I want to take my life, give up everything because I'm trying to get better and I can never get emotional stability... I cut my legs and I always feel them throbbing until today I don't know if it's pain or if it's for me to touch my cuts again, I need help, I seek help but everything is so difficult.  I can't stay in a job but I do some jobs apart.  my head is a mess because I'm from Brazil and there's so much to worry about and real problems like hunger, poverty, etc. It seems like I'm in a bubble with my problems without getting better 100%.  Sometimes I think about leaving I don't know if I'm enough for this life, strong or normal q neither my parents, friends and others.  every day is a daily struggle to wake up and take the medicine, deal with the pain in my brain, with the desire to leave and enjoy life.  I want to win for those who could not like my friend who killed herself, I promised her the day before she left that I would never do that to me, there are so many doubts that I think are so silly and that take my time banging my head to understand how to deal with me I end up not studying a lot, not trying so hard in my welfare stuff, does anyone feel that way?  if yes wanted some advice or an improvement experience.  every day I feel like leaving and I feel ungrateful because deep down I don't want this for myself or my family.  I want to SCREAM ASK FOR HELP BUT I'M ASHAMED because they think it's bullshit or I'm playing the victim, will it ever end?  Or was I born to be just another one who has this destiny?  do people have a destiny to kill themselves or is this just a disease?  I have dreams and many ambitions I wanted to make my dreams come true but this problem hinders me.. I was diagnosed 5 months ago and it's still very new for me, I try to see the positive side but I'm suffering a lot. recently i think about taking all my meds and getting out of here, i love my mom, my family, my sister, my fiance, my grandmother, my animals, but i feel so insignificant at times and so important at other times, i can't handle it all .  sometimes I get better at other times I have relapses, I wish I could not have that I know I can't change it but I wanted to take life lightly... I'm always in my dark room, I was careless in many ways, it seems I don't even recognize myself anymore. . my grandmother passed away, my uncle who had a mental problem, my other uncle with cancer, I watch the time go by and I still can't get over it, I was abused again and at 18 years old, I can't get over any of this but I really try, I don't know where it all started in real but it bothers me so much to have a simple life... since 14 years I feel I had problems because I saw many fights in the family and other things.  I want to win but at the same time I want to give up and ask someone for help to save me because sometimes I think I'm not even capable of it.  I feel strong and then helpless, I don't know how to cope I need help and or just to be truly understood by someone, does someone feel that way or have they already felt like you are now?I'm from Brazil and I used it translator because i'm not fluent :)