i (18f) started my first year of university back in august. it was going well at first, but for the past month and a half it has been hell. my professors are really supportive and stuff, it's just that my mental health is holding me back. i'm failing most of my classes and there's literally no way for me to catch up at this point, being almost a month and a half behind. 

my mental health is so shit rn. i won't go into too much detail because i don't want to burden anybody. but i cry almost every day, i'm constantly trying to think of methods and times i should off myself, and i haven't been able to do basic tasks like shower or change clothes for... a while.

i told my mom i was going to email my advisor for information regarding a leave of absence, because i don't want to drop out. i really love what i do and i desperately want to succeed. she asked me why i was thinking about it, and i told her i was severely depressed. she told me that my depression was a choice -- "you can choose not to be." she was angry, telling me "you shouldn't have moved out for college, you should've stayed here" (i would've moved out regardless because her and my dad are emotionally abusive (she got mad when i told her this) but that's a story for another time). she's making me feel so insanely guilty, and now im questioning whether or not it was a good idea to even ask for information about a leave. i wasn't even emailing my advisor telling her i was DEFINITELY going to do it, i was just asking for information... 

if i do take a leave, would that make me a failure ?? is my mom right ? i feel like even more of a burden than i did before. and like a failure. 

i sometimes wonder why i can't just be normal and stay on the "correct" path like all the other people in my grade. thinking about all the people moving forward while i'm struggling to keep up makes me feel even more guilty.