I don't know what it is, but whenever I hang out with more than one person, I go into a full depressive episode. I have to wonder if some other events that have been snowballing in my mind contributed to this, but again, I feel very far removed from being close to any of my friends. I know they think I am a stupid, shitty person they feel sorry for. I sometimes look at my one friend I have known since I was 5 and can still hear him saying "Why are you so fucking gross?" in that half joking, half not joking way upon looking at the state of my dirty car. It hurt so badly. I know they think I can't take care of myself. And I really can't. I can't do anything for myself because I hate myself. Other people I will give anything if I got it, but now I don't have any money, so I have nothing to offer. The only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is the prospect of going back to school this August, but that's about it. I'm even nervous about that. I'm in pain, and I'm very lonely. But I am too hurt to tell anyone that. I am lonely but I would rather be alone with myself than bother someone else with my exhausting personality. 