Last winter I was the most anxious I’ve ever been. It was a really low point in my life and it was the loneliest I’ve ever felt. It started affecting my breathing and it felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack everyday. Every night ended with my crying in fear and confusion. My boyfriend was in Bootcamp at the time. I wasn’t certain if he was the one, and if I was disrespecting myself by being with him. I never wanted to be stepped on again. He’s never cheated or anything like that. But I felt like an extension of him. I was never an individual until he was gone for months and I was forced to find myself.

Eventually all that fear and need for individualism turned into anger. I was resentful to everyone who hurt me, especially all the men in my life. Those who molested me, used me, lied to me. It built up to a point where my anger was so passionate and genuine. It fueled so much energy in my body that I became depressed. I’m always sleeping, I often feel nauseous, light headed. My boyfriend insists it’s me stressing over work. I partially think it is. It’s so confusing when I’m depressed but still so angry. I don’t talk to my friends anymore, my passions don’t inspire me anymore. I feel numb except for all my pent up resentment.

I’m so angry, my body has been heating up and then I cry. I usually don’t do much about these emotions except cry and write about it. I’m not sure what to do. It’s so exhausting.