So..  I (25m)  am not technically diagnosed yet (working on getting into a professional,  but my cousin,  who is a clinical psych,  has a very strong feeling that I have BPD..  And I am not looking for a diagnosis here). 

I've seen certain patterns in my life...  I'd get attached to people..  And then push them away..  With my clinginess.  My inability to cope with being alone.  My anxiety when my partner would leave for (work,  school,  etc)..  To the point where it drove her away.  My mood swings.  My extremely thin skin.  The ups and downs.  The suicidal thoughts.  The emptiness.  The almost lack of self identity (which is something I never really thought about..  I tend to latch on to what other people like and do).  

I'm in a relationship with someone who has her own issues,  and she will never admit it.  But I still constantly feel alone (we've been together 5 years.. ) I have a history of getting attached to female friends...  Almost falling in love with them (lust?)..  And then pushing them away.  

It happened again recently. I lost a job back in October.  Big opportunity..  Didn't pass the 6 months probation.  Was laid off.  Unemployed.  Fell into a deep depressing.  I was not needed.  Useless.  My SO and I were barely talking to each other.  Hell at the time I was laid off and depressed to the point of contemplating the best way to kill myself,  my SO was flying across country for a work related conference and then spent 2 weeks out of state somewhere else visiting her mother.  I play World Of Warcraft.. I met a girl..  On there from the other side of the country... 18... now 19 yrs old.  We clicked.  Well.  She understood me.. I even kinda fell in love with her.. She became what I see now is referred to as my FP.  We'd text from morning till night.  I told her everything.  My hopes and desires.  My greatest fears.  But we had an agreement that whatever we were,  it had to stay as friends,  as I am in a relationship (albeit a shitty one)  and she was thousands of miles away.  

Well recently she'd been talking a lot to a dude..  A mutual friend (if you can call him that..  I don't like him. But he's in our guild in Warcraft and I interact with him a lot).  I knew she had a thing for him.  And it scared me.  I didn't want on lose her.  I didn't want to be forgotten.  

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago.  We are talking..  And it comes out that she and the dude had been dating (long distance)  for a month.  I lost my Shit.  I originally thought it was because she hid it from me. As we.. Actually had a lot of  intense and flirtatious conversations recently..  She'd send photos to me..  (not nudes..  But still..  flirtatious.)  I accused her of getting a kick out of fucking with me, and told her that this shows that she never gave a fuck about me.  Allowing me to open up and tell her things I've never told anyone..  And then to break that trust.  

I had no right to get mad.  I mean..  We were never dating.  I'm in a fucking relationship.  But..  What I really was was scared.  That she'd forget about me.  Abandon me.  And now that she hasn't talked to me really in a few weeks minus some quick little convos that I sparked..  I've realized that I caused her to leave..  The person who kept me going though the deepest depression of my life. Who made me feel like I had a purpose.  The person who I forced myself out of bed in the morning to see if she messaged me (which she had 9 times out of 10)..  I pushed her away.  She's gone.  Probably completely hates me.  

I had the hardest day I've had in a while at work yesterday (upon getting fired..  I returned to my old job I'd had for years after a few months of wallowing and moping).  I had to deal with a suicide (I work security for an upper class community...  One of our residents shot himself in the head).  I reached out to her.  She responded but tapered off after one or 2 replies.  


I haven't spoken to my SO about any of this.  At all.  She's..  Not the most. Understanding person.  I did mention wanting to get into therapy (which is why I spoke to my cousin and got some low cost recommendations from her)  but my SO didn't really respond to me telling her.  
Sorry for the wall of text. I've been needing to vent for a while.