I am diagnosed with BPD and comorbid AVPD. I probably have some narcissistic traits thrown in there as well, and those diagnoses no doubt make my life eventful. What I’m wondering is, I will have episodes where I have my lows and crisis, and during those times I might not behave on my best or treat people around me the best .. but as it is a disorder, beating myself over it again and again simply make me depressed or indulge in some kind of people pleasing activity to make up for it. Neither being good solutions, really. And you don’t gain back respect or better relations that way. Also, I get mad for having to do so. “It’s my disorder that’s the blame!” I fume to myself. 

I’m wondering, what is the right way to feel. Am I supposed to be ashamed all the time? I’m aware my behavior is not too notch, but I can’t change it immediately and I’m doing my best, going to therapy etc to become better. 

TLDR: I’m sick of having to make up to my bpd behavior. Wondering what I should feel or behave like after a crisis.