I know it’s not that long, but he was and is my fp and the person I’m closest to in the world. I know a lot of it’s my fault for being so emotionally volatile but I’ve been working so hard and he didn’t tell me there was a problem until he was breaking up with me. He said he doesn’t love me anymore, he’s no longer attracted to me, and the reason he liked me was because I was new and gave him a dopamine rush.

This happened at 11 last night and I am shattered. I had a panic attack while he was doing it and begged him to give me another chance. He said he’d think about it but I know it’s probably over. I vomited after and haven’t slept for more than 10 mins since. I have been through a shit ton of treatment though so I haven’t hurt myself or considered suicide. But I’m just in so much pain. I do like myself but I didn’t want to live without him. I thought we would get married. And it’s my birthday soon so I was gonna see him

I just feel like I did something wrong even though it might have just been a burn out. But I’m not burned out. I love him still and it hurts so badly. I just want to stab myself in the chest so I don’t have to feel this anymore. I am in so much fucking pain but all I want is for him to hold me. I just want to try again. I want another chance. I am so scared to lose him. And I’m already so heartbroken that he doesn’t love me. Or like me. I feel like I’m going to implode I’m in so much pain. I would give anything for this to go away. I hate this.