i get so angry so often. i try and keep these feelings inside my head and not direct them at other people, but sometimes its just so hard and the emotions are so strong and i think its impossible they havent. the worst part is that i wish i could say i didnt want to hurt people, that i didnt mean to, and i really dont in the grand scheme of things but sometimes in a moment of anger i really do want to hurt people. i want them to feel small like how they make me feel small. i try not to anyways and i think. i hope. ive mostly been successful but i feel like such a goddamn monster sometimes and i dont know if other people can see all the ugliness leaking out of me but i promise i try so hard not to let it. i try so hard. 

i dont scream or yell or threaten people or call them names but sometimes i just feel so empty of love and i go all cold, and its not witholding because i have nothing to give but it is because i should be giving, and sometimes i feel like its almost worse. that i have plausible deniability with every spiteful action. i didnt mean to, i didnt know, i could say but i did and i do and im sorry. i did mean to and i did want to but i *dont* want to. and i never talk about my feelings because if i do ill explode into something volatile and ugly and it only gets worse when i try to communicate with people like im supposed to. when i tell them they make me feel small and they say im sorry, ill do better it just makes me angrier and i dont think thats how im supposed to feel, but my anger only gets bigger and this is the only way to make it small. and it still leaks out and hurts people anyways but theres nothing else and im worried this is as small as it gets. i wonder if they can tell that im angry. i wonder if its worse if they cant.