I know that sounds a little clickbaitey but hear me out.

For context I'm 44/m with shizoaffective disorder, ADHD and chronic pain. I've been on SSDI since my 20s

I'm just looking for ways to improve my positive emotions, of which there are almost none. I feel negative emotion, sometimes profoundly, but positive emotions are rare and fleeting.

It's like my hedonic treadmill is broken. I'll start on a thing or get an idea. I get excited. Then a little into whatever it is my enthusiasm falls right off. The interest is still there but whatever it is does nothing for me. For instance I like to make music. I have quite a music studio but I'm not happy with my keyboard playing. So I signed up for piano lessons. The first couple lessons were fun and and I was very excited. Now, the interest is there, I'm doing my lessons and I don't hate them, but I'm just like "meh". I get no pleasure out of it. 

Come to think of it, I don't get much of any pleasure out of anything I do or own. I have a lot of interests but nothing is making me happy. I'm a medical cannabis user and lately I've just been using more than usual to just check out and not think about it. 

I'm 44 and have been on the med merry go round since 20. I've accomplished nothing with my life. I know it's the cards I was dealt but I still blame myself on some level. I've been playing the "what if?" Game with my past a lot lately. I can tell I'm depressed but it's like I barely care about it. My default states are either depressed or numb. 

In fact I'm honestly not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe looking for kindred spirits. I dunno.