Not sure what I'm seeking. Advice or similar experiences, I guess. 

I'm 27 now. Dad was the primary source of me developing BPD. He would go away every year for 6 months and then when I was 12 years old, told us that he was gonna go away for 7 years. When he was around, he was emotionally/verbally abusive. He moved out west (to the other side of the country) full time about 12 years ago. He gave me very serious abandonment issues that turned into BPD. 

He died unexpectedly on the 17th.

I don't really know where to go from here. 

I defended him for 27 years thinking I would get some kind of redemption story at the end. That he would turn around or change. He never did.

I loved him. But I am so angry right now with him. And hurt. And upset. Last month, we talked on the phone and he more or less admitted that he's enjoyed getting me upset for 27 years. He laughed at me about it.

I'll probably see a therapist over this but also wanted to post here in case anyone else with BPD has experience with this sort of thing and can offer any advice. 
