I doubt you ever read this, and it may be for the best you don’t.  There are so many things I never got to tell you...maybe I should have told you but I still think it’s best I didn’t.

I’m sorry for how things are kiddo(I know you’re not a kid anymore but being you were young and naive when we met, you’ll always be like that bratty little sister that means the world to me).

I’m sorry I couldn’t always be up front and honest with you, and I had to deceive you for so long.  I know you have had so many let downs in your past that I never wanted to add to that list.  Your mom suffering similarly as you and having those unstable relationships pushing away every possible father figure you had...and the fact that most these men were there just for her and not for you...it really wasn’t fair to you.  That’s why I promised you no matter what, I’d never turn my back on you, nothing you could EVER do would make me care less about you or abandon you.

Not going to lie, sometimes you worried the hell out of me when you was with that psychologically abusive boyfriend when we met.  All I knew to do to help was be there for you to build you back up when he broke you down.  However there was one you had after that I thought was pretty nice...I know he didn’t know how to handle your anxiety or take control of situations well and his clinginess made you feel worse and I would never encourage you to stay with someone unhappily.

When you started talking to this other guy though near the end of that relationship and you were wanting to date someone older with your sights set on me I didn’t turn you down at first because you’re not good enough.  In fact I love you too much to ever truly be with you that way, knowing I probably have 10 more years or so left before some cancer or tumor kills me...I couldn’t be happy knowing that you’d simply be dependent on me for me to die on you and leave you dependent on another.

I did cave though because the other guy you said you would date was truly a monster that would have taken advantage of you and I couldn’t sit back and allow that knowing if I did nothing to stop you that there would been little I could do or say to protect you when you gave him that trust and authority over you that you give every other FP.

I know the way you felt about me when we were together was different than how I felt about you however, I love you more than you will ever realize and it’s unconditional and nothing would change that.  All those hours I spent listening to you and being there for you, I did that because I love you and expect nothing in return for that.  I know you internalize a lot, and I’m so proud of how well you manage it and I know it’s hard sometimes.  I never felt burdened staying on the phone with you until you fell asleep and waiting to make sure you stayed asleep.  Because I always felt if there was something I could do to take away that pain you internalized it was worth it seeing that smile and that light in your eyes.

I know you felt guilty often and I never wanted you too feel guilty with me.  I didn’t show jealousy when you tried to get me to react not because I didn’t care enough about you...I just didn’t get jealous because I never wanted to own you or completely control you.  You used to be so thankful for me always being constant and when you said thanks for “putting up with all your silly bullshit” I never thought it was silly because I understood why you did it.

Being a schizoid I never felt need for letting people close and it goes against my core to do so.  You forcing me to do so to protect you however was the most eye opening experience in my lifetime.  I used to hate the thought of ever loving someone more than myself because with every ounce of happiness we gain from love, we get a pound a pain later from the loss inevitably.  I never experienced being connected emotionally to another like that, when you was happy I was happy, when you hurt I hurt.  The rough thing was, being a covert schizoid I learned to read people through cognitive empathy so I could see the pain you hid in your eyes when they dilated and you was holding back a melt down.  I always hid how well I understood you because I knew it would scare you realizing that I read you so well.

I know you felt obligated to keep all those promises you made me and at times you felt trapped.  I’m sorry I held on to you for so long over those years and I know the boundaries I put in place may have felt like rejection or made things awkward but it was because I respected and loved you too much to cross them.  Which lead to you feeling manipulated and played.

When you lined up another and it was someone I felt wasn’t dangerous, I didn’t step aside because you weren’t good enough or because I didn’t care.  I did so because I wanted you to have a chance at a healthy relationship with someone who wasn’t going to for sure use and abuse you.  I played into your resentment long enough for you to get over missing me and didn’t explain the truth because I didn’t want to get in your way...though every day you’re not in my life I miss you terribly.

You used to get so baffled that I didn’t react the way you thought I would when you tried to make me jealous or angry with but it made me happy seeing you happy.  I wanted nothing more to tell you the truth since that day you pushed me away but I never wanted you to feel bad for your actions and now a year later I feel I may have waited too long.

I know when you was with him and when now that your with someone else, you unblock me at times because you debate on reaching out to me but fear what I’d say maybe or maybe the thought of talking to me triggers so many negative feelings it’s unbearable.  But I don’t message you first because I don’t want to cause you pain either but I do miss you kiddo.

Maybe you’re mad I decided to start a relationship with someone, but I made it clear that I had someone that I care about like a little sister that I’d never turn my back on and whoever I’m with has to accept that because no one will ever take that spot I set aside in my heart for you.  There is nothing you could ever do or say that would cause me to abandon you, there is no situation or trouble that you could find yourself in that I wouldn’t be willing to get you out of.

Your feelings toward me have no bearing on my love for you, I don’t expect you to do anything but live your life how you choose.  If anything I’m proud of all the accomplishments and things you’ve over came.  I wish I could tell you that and you could believe it.