You know what sucks ass? I've been consistently better. I haven't had psychosis in eight months, I haven't had a massive episode in ten months, and I'm actually working on getting my life back on track. AND YET, i still constantly have to fight intense intrusive thoughts that I want to compulsively act on.

"break up with your boyfriend and sleep with his best friend!!! Do it do it do it do it do it do it."

"call your parents and tell them all the drugs you've done. Ruin your relationship with them!!!! do it do it do it do it."

"Fake a panic attack so your boyfriend will hold you!!!!! Do it do it do it do it do it."

"Cut yourself!!!! Do it do it do it do it."

"Run away right now. Don't tell anyone where you're going!!!! Do it do it do it do it."

"You've done oxycontin, you can try heroin just once!!!! Do it do it do it do it."

"Cheat on your boyfriend, sleep with a married man!!!!! Do it do it do it do it do it."

etc etc etc 

and the only way I can avoid going through with these compulsions is just shutting down for like a week and dissociating. WHICH makes my boyfriend sad for like a day and then pissed that I'm acting sluggish and THEN IT GETS WORSE.

&amp;#x200B;

Even when I'm getting better, the shit is still there