I’ve had anxiety for seven years, ever since I was thirteen years old, and it’s never been this bad. I get panic attacks often - but these new ones are a whole different beast. My panic used to be feeling like I’m dying, like I can’t breathe or like my heart was giving out on me. But I found strategies that worked to calm me down and just be able to ride through the sensation. Throughout these I was scared during them because I had so much life I still wanted to live, and was scared that I might die prematurely. 

My panic is so different lately. I feel like I’m being tortured when the attacks come on. It’s like I’m not myself - I suddenly forget everything I enjoy in life and all of the hopes I have for the future. It’s pure dread and hopelessness. They make me want to die immediately. They make me think of my potential future as endless torment, make me feel like my surroundings are a cage. And I’m still afraid of death too. I feel trapped. I feel doomed to eternal suffering. That kind of existential dread is something I’ve never experienced in my life, the level of despair is the lowest I’ve ever felt. I’m having one right now when I write this. I wish I was never born. 

And nobody wants to help me, at least not quickly enough. I feel like if I don’t get treatment working within the next couple of weeks I’ll seriously kill myself. I don’t really want to be miserable and die, I want to be happy! God I want to live a full life with lord of friends and family and vacation time and making art and cooking meals. But I just feel so terrible, and it feels SO out of my control. My brain is attacking me and making me think things I don’t actually want.

Please, I just need some kind words.