Okay this is a short rant (lol, it’s not), I hope


I can’t maintain a friendship

when I was younger i had a very toxic friendship group that really set me off for the rest of my friendships

I learnt people like to talk sh*t, friends talk bad behind each other’s back, they manipulate, you shouldn’t trust them, etc

So I became kind of therapist of the group, but never truly opened up; after I changed schools, my friendships had a two years limits; first year well, I was their therapist, we had fun, then they only came to me with their drama and never for the fun parts, and that made me resent them and drop them, or those relationships vanished little by little till we stopped talking 

And the process began again

So after realizing I didn’t like these types of friendships because I always ended up with friends who loved drama and were kind of toxic (so was I) I ofc dropped my friends and started from scratch

It hasn’t been easy, I downloaded bumble friends and started to have actual healthy friendships, the first one began well, but I ended up as her therapist again, and even tho I tried to open up, they had too much drama in their life to ever focus on me

Second friendship started well too, but I think I opened up to quickly and she ended up only hanging or talking to me when she was sad, and after kind of mentioning a lot that I wanted to go to a party she invited me to one she was going and I was so fcking uncomfortable there (cause I have very low social skills, and if no one starts conversation with me, even a single word I don’t know what to do; I usually try to have a superficial conversation, but those don’t last long) so I literally left, and after that the friendship “poof “ gone

I have met my bf’s friends, no luck, I don’t know what they think about me, because my partner never tells me, he says they like me because I am nice, but that’s literally all I ever am, NICE, and I hate it; ofc when I see them they don’t try to engage with me at all


So I made a third friend, and I was so excited, we had fun, we smoked weed, we had long convos, I didn’t over share much, she was kind, she invited me to her bday party and I liked her friends, idk if they liked me but I was okay with it 

we kept hanging, and then the other day we were hanging, and I made a really stupid comment because I panicked, and like I promise it was the dumbest comment ever, it was not deep, like it could even be consider a compliment, because we were talking pictures and I honestly if I don’t look at the picture while I am taking it I always look awkward (and she was the one holding the phone), so I laughed because I looked like shit in the pictures, and I was uncomfortable, she asked why i laughed and not wanting to keep talking about my insecurities or be pushy and ask to take another pic I said something random like: oh the one who has them can show them off (boobs) 

she has big boobs, lovely ones, and she had a big cleavage; and she said she wasn’t trying to show off, I explained that no, that even if I tried to push mine they would never look that good, and she said she wasn’t pushing hers; I felt like I was slut shaming her, and I tried to make it better and it just got worse 


Anyways after that it was awkward, I texted her after, something about a movie  we talked about, and she hasn’t texted back at all

I never fight for friendships, because the moment I believe I am an inconvenience in someone’s life I simply remove myself, I am not gonna be somewhere where I am not wanted; so I just let another friendship die


And the issue is my personality, I am off putting in general, even when I met my bf’s friends for the first time I kept talking and asking them about their life, they didn’t ask me a single question about mine, I always have to make the extra effort and I am tired, because it’s who I am, it’s my personality, I always thought that if  I was prettier, and skinnier people would like me

But is not just that, is my personality, I am off putting, even with my bf’s family, they have no interest in knowing me

people don’t hate me, people think I am nice, but they don’t think of me,  nobody wants a friend who is just nice, they wanna have fun, they wanna laugh, and have interesting conversations 

And I am just nice, and nothing else, nobody ever sees me or even cares about what I have to say, no matter how hard I try 


It’s me, and I don’t know how to change that