Today I met a girl who was in my microbiology class last semester. We were at a peer mentor induction session (long story short, people within our faculty were offered a volunteer position to help new students transition into university life in the coming semester). She seemed nice enough, but something in me snapped when she mentioned that our lecturer - a woman I *idolise* - offered her a holiday job working with her as a lab assistant for some high school orientation demonstrations. It took a lot of strength to not let it show. 

Now, as a third year student, it's getting cutthroat. I'm in direct competition with my peers trying to get as much brownie points as possible to eventually land jobs in an area that's already niche. This is no longer "RuPaul's best-friend race". I've spent all summer trying and failing to find myself work experience for this very reason. I want to prove myself, prove that I'm damn good at micro and that I'd slave over hot coals just for an opportunity to put my money where my mouth is... But somehow, someone managed to have it fall into their lap. 

I've been sat up all night in tears wondering why I wasn't even asked about it. What made this other girl better than me? I was the top of the cohort for the better part of the year - until exam stress fried my brain and slipped my final grade down to 83% (I'm not complaining about that at all, I'm thrilled). I'm the one that my labmates came to work questions. I'm the one who's answered every single question posed by our lecturer. I'm the one that offered our cohort tutoring sessions if they needed it because I wanted to help people do well. I've spent the entire year trying to prove my worth to this lecturer, pouring my heart and soul into my study because I want her to know that micro is my life. She's sung my praises all year, but all of a sudden it's like NOW I'm worthless. I just want to fucking scream *WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?*. 

I'm probably going to cop a lot of shit for this post. Go ahead if you will, I promise there nothing anyone can say that I haven't said to myself. Yes, I'm being a bitter bitch. Yes, I'm being petty. Yes, clearly she must have deserved it and I'm happy for her. But no amount of rationalisation has stopped me from sobbing like a child and I fucking hate myself for being so weak. I just fucking hate myself in general. 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I'm sorry if it's not all that coherent but I haven't got my glasses on and I've been howling like a wounded animal all night. 

I hope you're all having a better day than me. 