‘’’ when I was just a little boy I told my mom, the spring’s coming to create the summer. But now I know there ain’t no summer. Life is a stormy autumn day, Life is just an endless cycle until you end up in your grave. thoughts take over my brain. I can’t take it anymore to walk around dead sober. Thoughts are the things that take over my brain, over and over. It won’t be long until I pull out a gun, point it at my face so this fucking life is over. I know it’s the devil’s work, but I just can’t handle being sober. I know there’s a different way I know there must be some other way of getting out of bed and getting my shit done. But how will I ever stop the burning urge to use, abuse, and confuse myself by getting loose and lost? Because I’ll snort, drink or smoke myself to shit until my mind is calm. And the answer to this question comes to light. Everybody knows me as the junk who lost his mind, it makes me anxious till I’m unconscious close to overdosing, dead eyes until I wake up and act blind. Start the cycle over like a child. It makes me wild. 

But what’s the demon speaking in this sober state I can not bear, what’s the reason sober life is not part of my kind of daily care. Is it the punches, swearwords and pushes into bushes by the kids in class when I was young? Or the motherfucker who used my sexual confusing to use me and abuse me as his perfect sex tool. I’ll go crazy soon.

 I need to stop wining though I’m a crybaby, I must stand my man and act alpha. Stand my ground and destroy every fucker that tries to fuck me over. cause I’ve been fucked over literally and verbally, but revenge always comes when least expected so everyone will find its payback. The devil will come to you when you’re smiling in the sun when ur out and forgot about the things you’ve done. Your damage can’t be undone, you’re life can though. So for your own safety don’t sleep with the lights out and one day he’ll be turning up at your nightstand. I wish I would feel sorry but I can’t. You’re all evil and it’s time for you to understand, And I wish you are already dead’’’

a piece of a  poem I wrote in my notebook during my first week in rehab (for the first time, I’ve been in rehab 3 times. I was still detoxing, it’s original is in dutch, it’s translated and somewhat bent to English to make it readable, but the message is the same.