I am 14, and I think I am depressed because I haven't felt happy since I was 14, now I know you will say it's the hormones PUBERTY!... well I hit puberty at 12... there were two years where I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong and then 2 years where I just pretended that it's the hormones but I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts over the last month... and I guess I just wanna to blame everything around me, so... my dad is an alcoholic, he works like dog in a company where the boss would fire him THE MOMENT he becomes less useful, my mom tries to interact with me but i am quite an introvert because I JUST don't know how the hell can people just talk without stammering or talking time to think about things first... well I think my mom have PTSD and anxiety because when my older brother was born he was premature and he had a hole in his heart and now he is suffering from epilepsy, he was the only one who did yell at me, told me I am wrong or talked over me when I was trying to talk... and now that he's away for collage, I am just falling apart, but fortunately I am good at hiding my feelings because everyone in my family is quite a broken piece and I JUST don't wanna unload on them with my feelings. I am usually alone which is a problem because me being alone with my thoughts is a bad thing as you might or might not have just read this, its totally find if you skipped this... but me being alone with my thought can escalated and cool down situation quite quickly... I usually don't go out because I just cant stand the idea of people looking at me thinking at the speed, I usually think about, my grades have never been that good and every year my tutor tries real hard to help me get my game up but I just cant do it... I joined reddit for its meme because I thought if I could be look at funny things and think funny things maybe the darkness would go away but I just cant do it anymore...

I am a disappointment and I don't think that I am gonna survive till 18...