I (30F) have been with my partner (33M) for 11 years, we've been living together since 2014.  
He's had depression since he was 18 years old. He was not offered the right help and has had severe depressive episodes on and off every 2 to 3 years. This year he fell into another episode caused by covid-isolation and finally got the help of an amazing therapist, the right meds and an incredible gp.  


Needless to say, the balance of giving/receiving care in our relationship has always been skewed. And there's nothing anybody or anything can do about that, it's nobody's fault. I know all the cliché importances of taking care of yourself as a spouse of a person with depression: make sure you have enough quality time of your own, have boundaries, make sure you're also getting the care and support you need etc. And i am doing that, but since this year i've been having incredibly selfish thoughts and i feel extremely guilty about them.

He's never worked so hard on himself, yet he's never been this low energy before either because therapy is taking a lot of energy right now. And i find myself having very blaming thoughts about him and the care and support he needs. 

I catch myself thinking "Can't you just give me one day for myself without needing me? (on my birthday)", "When is it my time to be taken care of? Where will you be when i break down? Who's catching me?", "Easy for you to have a relapse just when i'm recovered, back to being your nurse".  
I feel a type of resentment growing in me, and i hate myself for it. My partner is going through the most difficult time in al his life, having the most painfull thoughts every single day and here i am throwing a fit about always having to "take care of him". I need to be there for him, he really needs me, i just don't know how to cope with these thoughts.