Bipolar II, I've been in a depressive episode for months, I've been off of my meds for 2 and a half years, therapists wont call me back as they aren't taking new patients. I cant describe how I feel as being suicidal, I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive either. I've been suicidal in the past, but I would never actually go through with it, I'm too afraid of death to actually do it. I wish I could just vanish or dissappear, not actually die, but be gone from society and responsibilities and the monotonous life I live. I know I'm not alone but holy hell do I feel like it nost days. I feel like im a burden when I talk to the people close to me. I feel like I'll never be good at anything no matter how hard I try so why keep trying? I need a button or something I can push to go away and come back to reality when  I'm out of this rut.