 

since i have nobody to vent to, here i am

looking back at myself, i've not had a proper friend my whole life. I dont think i've had a proper friendship that has lasted more than 6 months. im constantly ignored in school, even after always trying my best. I constantly try to start new conversations with folk and always help to my best. my school is really chock full of tech illiterate people and i'm who always people come to for help. i always fix the problem and they give a "thanks" under their voice and walk away. people always treat me badly outside of times when they need help and when i finally reach my breaking point i get treated like im the the asshole. back on to the topic, im so tired of seeing everyone sending stories of them outside with their friends at the mall or starbucks, and i sometimes search the internet for answers on why i'm so lonely but it never seems to help. theres always posts saying "you dont need others you just need yourself" but i'm so tired of being with myself. i need something interesting in my life. i'm so tired of living the same monotonous schedule every single week, where i spent the week going to school then hopping on some game after school, and doing fucking nothing in the weekends, rinse and repeat. i have an online friend or two but i **need** someone i can physically have a fun day off with, not someone to occasionally play games and send memes to. i've tried making friends with people outside of my school by going to camps or doing extracurriculars to build a better social sphere but nothing work. nobody wants to talk to me. i always get left on read, and im tired of always acting like im fine and putting on the "happy and quiet kid" at school. every time i vent a tiny bit to someone nobody understands me and i'd be happy if i just had a single person that i could actually call a friend and not someone who'd be embarassed when you walked up to them at school. i feel like im a burden to everyone i try to socialize with because they always leave me on read. when i say that i have no friends people go "come on, im your friend!" but when i walk up to them at school theyll try to ignore me or leave me on read when i try to initiate a conversation, or say they're busy when i ask when we can talk/go out, and i'm always the second choice. i only get sent text messages (and that happens once in a blue moon) when all of their other primary friends are busy. i also feel like people never want to talk to me, i just get a perculiar vibe from their tone of voice and face expressions (i like to believe im good at reading people (i know, how ironic.)) i really dont know what to do. im tired of everything and the same weekly schedule at this point. i'd like to thank anyone for coming up to this point, if you'd bother reading this mess. any advice welcome.