Hello, 

so for a little background info, recently I cut off multiple friends, each friend for a different reasons and a reasonable amount of time but mostly based around the feelings that I was being disrespected/taken advantage of. Not long after breaking off several friendships which I felt to be toxic to my mental health, a family member very close to me, a father figure, recently passed away following a horribly abusive relationship I escaped earlier in the year. 
many people I still considered friends knew about my BPD and recent tragedies and not a single one reached out. Like for weeks. Months. Not a single soul reached out to see if I was okay. I however had reached out many times to many friends attempting to hang out/interact etc, but I wasn’t partying or part taking in substances. I just wanted someone to come over and sit with me. I understand grief is a personal matter and often awkward for those around but I was not asking for any emotional labor, I just wanted love from friends, a sign that I mattered in any way. 
Once that things had shifted for me and I wasn’t getting drunk every night or going to parties, many started to make excuses as to why they couldn’t come over or offer literally any kind of support. 
And as I got to thinking about it, nobody in my group of friends had showed interest in my current state of mental health nor how I might be doing. This lack of empathy or rather lack of giving a fuck, deeply hurt and I decided to distance myself from the remaining friends as I do not see reason in keep those around who didn’t think twice about reaching out when I was in such a fragile state.

Now I am starting to feel a little better but after months of isolation I find myself, well, isolated and going back and forth in my head. did I make the right choices? Was I too harsh? Is it me who should’ve reached out more? Why would so many people call themselves my friends but lack any desire to have real conversations or friendships beyond parties and drugs? Even when I know someone is wrong, how can I trust my reality? 
How do I get over this incredibly horrible feeling of guilt/self doubt/loneliness? 
These questions have been plaguing me in my continued isolation. 
It does not help to see all my old friends still being friendly with each other and living life happily without me while I am still, many months later grieving each and every lost friendship.
I cannot pull myself out of isolation and I feel like every time I have even an inkling of an idea to go out or reach out I’m reminded of all the people who did not care before and I would be best off keeping to myself. I’m suffering!! Really really suffering and I don’t know how much more I can take 
Terribly sorry if this was not well written as I’m having a bit of a brain fog moment tonight and only feeling worse dwelling on these thoughts.