hey folks,

I'm 21 with bpd. when it comes to relationships, friendships etc I can't act and feel like a normal person should do... I scare people off or when I don't then it's even worse, I'm being really toxic and because I know I'm toxic but I have no idea how to stop it I'm hurting myself too. and tbh I'm really, REALLY-REALLY tired of this. I started therapy again a few weeks ago, my therapist said that she's not gonna lie, it's gonna be hard work and years to make improvement. after the session I started thinking about that it's not worth it... I mean first of all it costs a lot of fking money and I'm poor in an Eastern-European country, then obviously hard work would be okay if it means the success is certain but it's absolutely not, and actually I don't really want to live a long life, I mean I'm not depressed, I'm on antidepressants, but still, when I see my future it usually stops around 35-40, so I just simply do not want to live past 40, and spending so much energy and money and time on therapy sounds very unnecessary in my case.

so I was thinking... if I have a busy life then I don't really need friends. I was testing myself the last week with work and university and actually after a tiring day I absolutely don't need anyone, I just want to be alone and watch How I Met Your Mother. and that's cool, if I could manage to stay busy I can avoid the need of friendships, relationships. I mean currently I'm working with people and even tho it's just a part-time job I'm not isolated from society, moreover as a street fundraiser I have to talk to people all day. I would still have people around me, my family, my roommate, I won't be physically alone. plus I'll still have some "friends", I mean not real friends, but the 'we exchange a few words every month and sometimes we even meet in person' kind of friends, plus I would still keep in touch with my colleagues and my schoolmate who's helping me with homework and I do the same to her. 

so basically I don't want to be isolated from people, I don't want to hide from society, I don't want to cut off everyone. I just want to stay away from close friends, from close relationships because honestly, I'm tired of being toxic and hating myself and the other person and I'm tired of therapy even tho I just started this new one (I was in therapy for years before this one but I stopped it a while ago).

so my question is... what do you think? this kind of life is manageable and sustainable? I'm gonna bring this up next time in therapy but until that I'd like to hear some opinions.