This is a bit of a ramble, pissed off vent, relief, and maybe suggestions for anyone out there who is struggling and could use some similar advice.

I struggle with an eating disorder - but it’s not as bad as I had thought it was. Why?

I am not as exhausted or spaced out or crazy as I thought I was. Why?

A couple months ago, I went to my doctor for symptoms that I saw that matched ADD. I live in a conservative state - and I should have been more careful when I brought up my goddamn concerns.

This doctor has ignored my concerns in the past, when I wanted an IUD she wouldn’t do it - pushed other birth control. I had to go to planned parenthood to get my IUD put in. When she saw I was on Topomax for my migraines (and mood possibly - they gave me Rx at the Behavioral hospital when I was Dxed with BPD) - she made a comment about how Topomax is going to help me lose the rest of the weight, even though I was happy where I was at (I was obese 4 years ago at 427 pounds but have lost over 230 pounds after having the weight loss surgery). 

So when I went in to express my concerns - she made a passing comment about anxiety, but said that said I should do a symptom list. So I did. She said I probably have ADD, didn’t even address other concerns. And she prescribed Adderall.

Guess what? I don’t have fucking ADD I guess, or the Adderall was bad for me. 

Two or three days ago I reached a breaking point and detached from reality almost. Psychosis. I was going mute sometimes, focusing a lot in other ways. I had those moments - but only when I smoked weed. I thought it was a weed thing. No - it’s not for everyone. It turns out some of us walk the line of psychosis more closely than others. 

I started to get those moments after I took my adderall, a part of me wondered. I haven’t been smoking weed, and it worried me I was getting those symptoms all the time. I was sounding crazy. Well - I finally looked it up and it was the psychosis symptoms coming out full point - going towards a break. I took radical steps. I cut out adderall because I read it could cause that. 

Two days later. I am so hungry - I have finally been eating when I wasn’t eating at all, I had lost 5 pounds last week. I had lost all energy to even finish a meal. Now I want to eat everything and the kitchen sink. Haha. This is great news.

My focus is coming back - it is taking a bit, but it’s coming together. I lose energy, but it’s getting there. 

I’m speaking more - no longer lost in my head! My wise mind is back - I’m not bouncing back and forth between logic and emotional. I feel healthy and just like me again.

I’m pissed at the doctor for not even listening to me, just pushing an Rx. I’m pissed that this is probably what caused the Rx epidemic, doctors who just do that - what caused my mom to lose herself to pain meds. I almost lost myself. 

I’m relieved because I can eat again, I feel more energy, I’m getting there but I feel better. Do I still have trouble with normal BPD things? Sure. But it’s not compounded by a goddamn drug that makes me feel like I’m locked behind a wall in my brain trying to break out. 

To anyone who is experiencing those symptoms - know it’s a symptom some deal with. But check around to see if something is expounding it. For me? Adderall - and I am not going to smoke weed during the day. Only to sleep. 

Again - check with a doctor, and if you are skeptical. Never be afraid to get a second opinion. I should have. 💜