Potential TW: mention of suicidal thoughts 

Hi, first post here. I (25F) was diagnosed with BPD six years ago and in that time I’ve been in two relationships. The first was an amicable breakup and it was challenging but we had drifted apart and so I was prepared for it. Soon after that breakup I met my FP, the person I genuinely believed was my soulmate. We connected on so many levels and I actually moved across the country to live with him, 3 hours from my family. We’d been living together nearly two years and we’d made a life together, we have a cat, furniture, routines and we KNOW each other. He was truly the person I saw myself being with until the end of my days and he always said the same back to me. 

Last week he ended things pretty much out of the blue. Lockdown had been rough on the relationship and we had been having some problems but I thought we just needed to work at it a bit, and that the situation of the world was to blame. I know that people say there were signs and I just missed them or didn’t want to see them but seriously, I didn’t expect this. If we had been together 6 months - maybe. But almost four years?! I can’t even comprehend it. BPD is making me feel ... so much. And unlike normal, I don’t have him to get me through it anymore. The abandonment I was so terrified of finally came true and it hurts even more than I could have ever imagined. 

I’m now having to move back in with my parents and move out all my stuff across the country. I have to leave my job (I kinda hated it anyway but it was income) and the few friends I had made. I feel broken. I don’t know if I’ve really accepted it yet. It’s like during the day I can cope but as soon as the sun sets I start to spiral. He was so good at taking care of me when BPD was giving me a rough time and he understood me fully. Without that kind of unconditional love, I don’t know how I’ll ever heal. 

Please, does anyone have any advice on surviving this? I’m in the process of writing my postgrad thesis as well which is not ideal as I’m finding the mood swings are particularly rampant and this affects my concentration A LOT. I knit as a hobby and that does help to distract from dangerous thoughts but I can’t get past this idea that I will never recover from this. He seems fine already whereas I’m lucky if I make it out of bed or wash myself. I have always struggled with chronic suicidal thoughts, even in times of happiness but I’m feeling it switch to active plans and telling myself “I’ll do it tomorrow” (this has been quite an effective way of avoiding self injury for me as it gets me past that dangerous impulsive mood) doesn’t seem to be working as well. Thank you so much for any support, I truly feel like I’m entirely alone and that the pain I’m feeling is so much worse than “just a breakup” like everyone keeps calling it.