fyi I’m undiagnosed 

For years now I wish I didn’t exist because I feel like life isn’t made for me. I’d rather just not be here. I would never consider taking my life because of my mother and because I’m not brave enough. I have mood swings and am currently in a heartbreak which makes me feel like a fucking fool. I can’t handle being close with someone for a longer period of time. Now He replaced me after 1 month and it’s hard to keep up with anything. My best friend is his best friend and yesterday my two best friends since kindergarten got to meet her and I’m absolutely devastated. Today it’s been two months. I just took 3 pills from my stepfather to kind of chill because I hate myself so much. These pills are not dangerous btw. Am I bad enough to get help? I don’t know if “normal” ppl would do that? I wish I could go to a mental hospital and see the beauty in life again. I already know I have trauma and it’s all been coming back. ALL I do is self sabotage and I feel so so stupid for it because I know nothing I do is helping me but I just don’t care, and yet I still care too much. I have no identity. If I didn’t know my friends since kindergarden I’m sure I would not have a single soul by my side cause all I am is shit. I am already in therapy but speaking about what I feel once a week isn’t gonna help. I’m SO bitter. I feel like I am making it up because I’m not physical hurting.