Some backstory:

I've been isolated for quite a while even while I was in College, I decided to be homeschooled for most of it even before the pandemic. But since the pandemic, like everyone else. My anxiety has gotten worse. Though, I have the same fears I live with like; I'm never gonna get hired, no one wants me to work for them! If I study this and this for this many hours a day... Maybe I'll finally reach my goal to get my associate's degree in College. (I've only done some College, didn't graduate) I then think about more of the negatives of if and then's. What if they don't hire me after I try the interviews again? What if I study for this many hours of what I was supposed to study in College and in the end don't get my degree? It feels like such a waste of time and effort! I have a lot of negatives and anxiety piled up when it comes to my own career goals, on top of feeling stuck on not knowing what I want to do or even can do in my life. I'm a complete shut-in and have the most difficult time when it comes to negative thoughts in my anxiety. On top of social anxiety. I just don't know how to get out of it! Sometimes I am able to get motivated and actually do something. I get to a point where my progress in my goals is accurate, even if I may be stuck at home while my own parents are still taking care of me while I'm still in my 20's. My anxiety has skyrocketed over the years, but since I moved into my sister's place because of the pandemic and my parents pay for my rent. I only do not feel guilty, but because I have such a difficult time getting hired when it comes to socializing. I never really actually had a social life, as I grew up with parents who never really had any friends in their life. It only makes it more difficult as I haven't really been in the world and experienced as much as I'd love to. The only socializing I've ever done was when I was in high school like everyone else here. But even then, my social anxiety was pretty extreme.  


To the point:

Today I did achieve my first goal. It's not entirely life-changing, but it's a small one.  I decided to call up a few places even though it's the weekend but left a voice mail instead. Giving them my name and number, the reason why I'm calling. Seeking Therapy. I used to have the absolute worst time when it came to calling up places. But since I had been in Therapy previously for my own anxiety, it has helped to an extent of being able to talk to someone one on one without feeling overwhelmed by false beliefs of things that aren't actually happening. 

After the weekend, I plan to call more places to see if I can get a job again and try and get Medicaid because I have no money and my parents are urging me to do something with my time while I'm home. On top of me needing to get Medicaid because none of my family can pay for insurance or have the money for doctor visits.