okayokay, i really wanted to get this off my chest so i’m really sorry if you do decide to read this lmao it’s a mess

my ex (let’s calls him j) had been my fp for so long, about 8 months, but we never actually dated. we had casual encounters about three times a week and he would say “i’ll ask you to be my girlfriend soon” until eventually he told me he liked what we had and he didn’t want anything serious. anyway, i got a boyfriend, c, in the middle of letting go, and we kind of faded. i educated j about my bpd for so long, when i uploaded a whatsapp story in the middle of a breakdown, he asked how i was doing and told me he got worried i was having a bad time. anyway, i always indirect that i still like him and miss him, more so after c and i broke up, and j texted me pretty soon after that he wanted to go on a real date with me. he also reacted nonstop to a bunch of shit i shared on facebook, until suddenly it stopped. i checked his whatsapp profile pic to see he has a girl now, and of course, i had a bad breakdown.

so last night, my two best friends and i (who haven’t seen each other in months) decided to get together in one of our houses to have drinks. i personally wanted to get drunk to deal with the fact that j apparently got a new girlfriend and had accidentally lead me on a week prior to that. so you know, i got stupid drunk. from my camera roll, i saw we had a good time. but the thing is, i posted a whatsapp story saying “can’t believe i’m getting this bad over a guy who only wanted to f*ck me” and surprise surprise, i woke up this morning to a text from j saying “i hope you feel better in the morning, drink lots of water and have some rest [name]” and i just FEEL SO EMBARRASSED WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING. i saw the message preview and he was replying to that story and idk, i honestly think i’m having a panic attack because this is definitely NOT what i wanted my image to be. i don’t think i should reply but i kind of want to apologize for the second-hand embarrassment.

 i found that ranting helps me think before i do anything impulsive, which is why i decided to write this. if you guys have any words of encouragement or advice, they would be extremely appreciated 🥺