This time last year, I didn't touch the things. Now I feel like I can't function without them. I can only sleep if I'm high or drunk as it blocks out the bad thoughts and stops my mind from racing. 

I do feel like I'm relying on them. I'm already in financial trouble but every time I get money, I spend it on weed or drink. I prioritise that over my eating and bills but weirdly, I don't feel bad about it?? 

The way I think of it is that I'm here for a good time, not a long time. As brutal as it sounds, I don't plan on living until I'm old. Middle aged is as far as I wanna go. 