Perhaps I just need to rant.

Fall can be difficult to navigate for us people with depression. But quite frankly, I don't even know what it is this time.

Just got home from visiting for the holidays. Happy to see family, but also looking forward to coming back to my routine. Prepared to go in for my night shift job but couldn't sleep (meh, not a new problem anyway). 

Got up to prepare, eat breakfast, etc. And then suddenly get hit with an overwhelming sense of doom and melancholy out of nowhere. Paralyzed and in tears. 

Had to call off work. Now sitting on the couch almost frantically trying to find something on my phone to distract me and get rid of racing thoughts.

Feeling like a pathetic piece of crap.

"I'm sorry I can't make it to work tonight. I'm suddenly sad for no apparent f*cking reason and can't get my sh!t together enough to be a functional, responsible adult."

I wish I could have just had a sh!tty cold, or a broken bone. Then at least I could seemingly have a legit reason to call off. But no, what's got me down on my knees, only I can feel and see.

I know, highs and lows come in the package. I guess I just wish I can also feel the highs as intensely as I could feel the melancholic lows.

Winning at life again. Yay.