So this is gonna be kind of a rant, I just need to get this out somewhere to people who hopefully understand it. I've been having this feeling the past few days and I'm not sure how to cope with it, it's becoming somewhat unbearable. 

I think alot about my future and where I'll end up, but more specifically where I want to be. The issue is I keep having this crushing feeling that I'll never be satisfied no matter what. I want x, but I feel like even if I get it, I wont be happy because it wont be exactly as I imagined. Even then, what I want is extremely hard to achieve but at this point it's literally all I want, if I can't have this then I don't really want anything else. It'll be alot of work. But what if I don't get it? What if I fail? What if it's not how I imagined? This weighing on me makes it 10x harder to even try to move forward, and quite frankly just unmotivated. 

 I feel paralyzed, I'm scared and not sure how to move forward because it feels so crushing. I have no idea what to do as in this moment it's crushing me. I'm posting this in hopes of some form of comfort/advice as I already feel an episode coming on. I'm struggling with relapse urges tonight because of this. I don't know how to necessarily express all of this but I tried, maybe someone will understand. I'm not in the position to get therapy or medication currently so that's not an option :/

much love, xx