I just got a job at a zip lining company. Moved from CA all the way across the country. My anxiety has been so bad. 

I’m training to be a “sender” which is the person who hooks you up to the cables and send you off down the line. It’s a lot of pressure. 

I’m doing really really good safety wise. I’m doing everything perfect and have just been getting observed while touring. Today I drank a Monster because I was really sleep as I’m working 10 hour days and just starting so my body hasn’t fully adjusted. I had a tour that I was gonna go up by myself for the first time and I was so scared but then the tour got canceled because of winds. This was around 1:40PM and I had to wait till my 5PM tour to see if weather chilled and it did. 

I was just drinking my monster and doing hw and then I really started to feel the caffeine and it just went up and up and up. My hands were visibly shaking. I started getting scared to go up alone and I had 2 1/2 hours to over think every single thing. 

I trust myself and I’m confident that I can do it but it’s hard to convince myself that I can trust myself if that makes sense. It’s really hard. I have to have full confidence in myself and I’ve never had that. 

I’m also an avid weed smoker but I stopped cause the state i moved to; it’s not legal. I didn’t realize how much it helps to calm my racing thoughts. I have a prescription for a low dosage of Xanax but I’m taking it way more then I’d life. It’s weekly not daily at all but I get scared of it even thought I’m using it for the right things. Just seriously im panicking 24/7 and I can’t stop it. I’m thinking of purchasing some CBD products to see if that makes a difference. Anyways besides the point. 

I started crying at work because I was getting so anxious for my tour. I had to go home. Everyone was really nice and supportive and understanding but I’m so scared that people are gonna think I’m inept. I’m so far from my parents. From my cats. The job is till August and I’m doing this so I can save a lot of money so I can make my dreams of moving to San Francisco come true. 

It’s just hard everyone here in cliquey. They’re really really nice cool people but I wish they wanted to know me more. My stupid mom told me how someone died zip lining while I’m still literally in training. Now all I can think about is dying when that person who died didn’t do safety things that we do. I’m so scared that I signed myself up for something I can’t handle. I spent so much money getting here. I’m so broke I need to be successful and I know I can do it but im on my third hour of tears streaming out of my eyes and I don’t know how to make this stop. 

I really need some words of encouragement. I know I can do hard things I know I can I just need to push myself. Once I do it alone I know I’ll be fine but for now fuck. My arms are numb I can’t catch my breathe. I’m so scared and I don’t know of what :( it feels so unfair I wish I could function normally I wish I could I feel so inept.