lately it's been more down than up. this covid 19 shit around the world doesn't seem to be going away which is killing any social life that i should/ need to be having. i've been having anger episodes more often than usual where i have physically harmed my roommate, my girlfriend (now ex), and myself. i haven't worked in over 2 weeks and my drinking/ drug use has been out of control. rehab is a long wait and anything that doesn't have a wait time requires only about 20,000$. i have 150 to my name, and i owe people over thousands of dollars from borrowing to go out and gamble. i have never felt so alone even though i am back living with my family (who supports me so much). i miss better days, i miss happier times. i am really struggling, and i am scared to harm myself.