M,24. This should be very long but I will try to keep it as short as possible. I made so many edits though, it might not make sense anymore, so I apologize in advance.

I do not remember most of my past, but as I was told I was an active, sensitive, loving kid. What I remember is that I had troubles learning things at school, I struggled with math, learning things by heart, labeled lazy and so on, but I never really made trouble, always behaving and not causing a problem (now I am a huge people-pleaser who can’t say no and often gets taken advantage of, while being conscious about it). Looking back, I think I tick most of the boxes on Inattentive ADHD, since I am not really hyperactive, on the contrary even, 24/7 tired and fatigued, quite sluggish. But on top, I can’t get myself to do anything, other than lie around, overthink about this or just do nothing on the internet, have this small bursts of focus that fades and whatever I’ve read or seen is soon forgotten. Anything but doing something to make my situation any better. 

Long story short, I managed to high finish school, with major depressive episodes, anxiety, bullying, trauma + help from tutors and family. Somehow me complaining about not being able to study well, that my memory was horrible and slowly became an outsider and avoidant went unnoticed. Fast forward to university, it was okay, I was in the same group with my close friends from school. I had help from them in terms of note-taking (I can’t manage to do that and listen at the same time), group studies and so on. Ironically I was getting better scores than them, despite them doing most of the work and me cramming it in 1 day, because otherwise I would forget the material anyways. The thing is though, I feel like I do not learn anything, like almost nothing stays with me. Memories, details, friendships, even the relationships I have, it’s like these depth-deprived facts, barely. I sometimes feel super weird, like I don’t miss anyone or feel anything meaningful towards anyone. Especially now, when I am alone and far away from everyone, it’s nothing. Like, at some point, life became too much and I am numb since, on a survival mode, always anxious and in an out of depressive cycles. Mostly because I am bad at everything, with crappy memory, no social skills or any skills whatsoever. I can’t even work see myself working somewhere that requires focus, working brain and socialization. Sometimes I think that maybe I hit a brick wall in childhood and was not properly developed. Like I am aware of how bad I it all is, but that makes it all worse. I have really simple and short thought process and verbalization, low emotional reactivity and no motivation. 
I managed to get accepted to a highly rated French university with a scholarship in a scientific program. Me, who barely grasps anything complex, unaware of how life works, or how to be normal in social situations. I can’t even manage to cook or organize my room, get ready properly and on time. Constantly confused. 
From teenage years, every year I thought it would be it (periodic depressive episodes), like I couldn’t do it anymore and that was it, somehow I managed to go on. This research-oriented science program totally broke me though. I lasted a month until I broke down and dropped everything. I couldn’t listen to any lecture, had zero energy and motivation to study afterwards, had serious social anxiety during presentations. Forgot everything I knew before, felt like an imposter among young, motivated and thirsty-for-knowledge people. It got so bad I tried to end it, yet again, but failed because I am a coward. And while emotionally numb and not feeling much, I felt bad for my family and friends. I ended up in the psych hospital for 2 months, diagnosed straight away with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety. The only English speaking doctor (well, intern) here doesn’t specialize in learning disabilities or ADHD. She performed Connors test and DIVA 2.0, sent the results to the clinic that actually specializes in it, but got a response that they can’t help me due to the language barrier. They say it is likely, but can’t confirm or deny anything. My doctor here also said it is unlikely I have it because I am not hyperactive and my mother’s subjective evaluation of my childhood doesn’t meet the threshold… Now I feel lost. Most of my life I knew something was not right. Coming from a 3rd world country where there is a stigma around psychiatry and adult ADHD doesn’t exist, I thought I would figure it out here. What’s worse, I avoided and ghosted everyone, uni people, friends, family, but I do not know what to tell them, how to explain that I am a failure (2nd year in a row, btw). I basically don’t reply to people, disappeared. Not that I had many friendships and connections going. It is really hard to keep up with everything and even this small circle is overwhelming and too much sometimes. I can never understand how can people do so much at the same time. Like, study, have a social life, work and keep up with life. 
Apart from terrible memory, I struggle with paying attention, expressing feelings and emotions, expressing myself verbally, executive dysfunctions like planning and management, multitasking, focus and time-blindness, avoiding complex tasks and dropping everything, impulsive decisions, like buying unnecessary things online while basically broke or terrible sexual decisions and regrets; also mindlessly scrolling social media and watching stupid stuff to distract myself. 
I still struggle to accept my sexuality, eating disorder (my doc here also said that if I can control it myself and managed to mostly recover, ir was not and ED to begin with? WTF…) and low-self esteem.
At this point I don’t know if I am just lazy and dumb, or I need help. I know that people have it worse than me and somehow manage to “do life”, study and be successful. The thing is, I can’t and right now I feel hopeless. There is more to tell, but I rambled enough already. 
I just think that depression and anxiety only do not explain all my struggles. Or, they are so severe that cause such a high dysfunction and problems… 
As regards to medications, I am currently on Venlafaxine and Seresta, I do not see much change, apart from being less anxious. They even performed and MRI brain scan, since I was insisting it was not normal to be like this at my age, plus I had a history of several traumas and a seizure. The results were fine, my brain is just fine, lol.

Now I am avoiding to talk to my family and friends, I do not want to go back to my country, which is a toxic environment due to different complex reasons, also feel like I don’t belong… Currently messing up my future, getting in debt, but doing nothing, just laying around waiting for who knows what. I know I can’t manage to go back to my Grad program, at least like this. Likely never, I have too high of a gap in terms of knowledge and skills/motivation/ethics just to survive this level of education. The thing is, I do not know what else to do, I feel like I am just breathing lately. And it is getting worse, I feel like I have serious case of dementia at 24. I just don’t see the reason to even try and keep going at this point. I feel too broken mentally. I do not want to go back to my safe bubble, because my family won’t accept the true me, which I can’t even fully accept myself. I do want to live and be normal, but I can’t and can’t even force myself to actually get myself together and do something for a change. I just thought a diagnosis and maybe mix of therapy, medication and coping strategies would help, even acquired late. But I got nowhere, just lost months of my life to be told I am depressed and given medication that might be even making it all worse. 

I do not know why I wrote all this, just wanted to let it all out and maybe get some advice from people who can relate. Thanks in advance if you made it all through. Any advice or thoughts are highly welcome.

TLDR; is basically the title.