I feel like I have the ability of leaving a sour taste in many peoples mouths. I am selfish and self centered, I am evil and quite frankly an ass. I feel as if I have an act of appearing “sweet” and “nice” to people and it frustrates me to no end that they say i’m humble and bright, selfless, and kind. Why do I do this? What kind of personality is this? 

I lie profusely and am a coward. I feel not a thing but guilt, shame, regret, and self hate. I’ve isolated myself from my friends and bf because I know deep in my soul I am meant to be alone. I want to change, I am very self aware of the pure toxicity that’s seeps from my being. I don’t cry anymore, the best days are when i’m numb and empty. At times, I feel so grateful for being alive and having a roof, food, job, and the health my loved ones and self. I look back on my past relationships with people I’ve loved and held a lot of adoration towards and they’re no longer in ny life. I know I drove them away; my impulses and lies, my attitude and self sabotage, my self-centered ways. 

I have this itch and it usually comes when I want to self harm but I really don’t want to be stuck in this cycle. I feel like i’ve grown a lot, but I feel like I’ve also regressed. I feel like I “know” who am I but I really have no fucking idea. What I like, what makes me happy, what fuels and drives me. I’m really sorry to everyone who I’ve upset and lied to. To the people I cared for and drove away. I’m really sorry.