This is my alt account. I've visited this sub many times, but have never contributed. While I know I'm ultimately in charge of my mental health, I feel that my g/f is largely to blame for the onset. For some context, she has a family background of severe schizophrenia with one parent, while the other having been in prison for most of my g/f's life. Her parents were never married and she was mostly by another family member.

   I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago. Initially, I had no idea what BPD was, and the only other diagnosis I had ever received was when I was 6 with ADD. Over the years I've been prescribed Ritalin, Concerta, and Adderall. There's just so much that I don't know where to start, and so I'll try to condense as much as to not bore anyone who decides to read. I decided to see a therapist after having moments where I'd just fall into a deep despair and uncontrollable moments of severe crying. Only to find myself ok half an hour later. I knew something was wrong with me. I was living with my g/f and her friend at the time. And our relationship was all over the place. Together for 6 years, with about 10 years of friendship and fling before that. I had been in love with her for so long. While she's never really seen a therapist on her own, she only went to the one I suggested we see together. Although, she was quick to express that she hated it, and felt like it was a waste of time, as well as expressing she was embarrassed and never thought her life would take her to one. I felt the complete opposite. Eventually, we stopped going. Mostly because she didn't want to. I continued to see one on my own, and she was incredible. Her colleague was the couples therapist we had seen. Sessions with her helped me every single time. But it wasn't enough. Eventually, the fights with my g/f and feelings of despair had me thinking how bad my ADHD really was. And so I asked for a full evaluation. Eventually, we scheduled a session for it and it took close to 4 hours. A week later I got the results. Severe ADHD, with some mild depression. Then they mentioned they found something else. That being that I'm also suffering from BPD. I wasn't sacred. I was happy I had a better understanding of what was going on. That night, I sat on the on thr bed and attempted to have a convo about this with my SO. At one point, she cut me off and asked in an annoyed tone "Well what do you want me to do?". I told her "nothing, just to listen". 

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 Prior to this relationship, I had someone an incredible person in my life. But she had to leave the state and go back home, having only been here to study. We did the long distance thing for a while. She surprsied me on day, and I went to visit her home town, and she even offered me to come live with her, while figuring I could maybe work at the hospital both her parents worked at while them also offering to put me through school. It was amazing. But I was too scared. And so I never accepted. We eventually gre apart and would go on occasional breaks. The long distance thing was difficult and I felt lonely. 

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 In comes my current g/f, who had left the state for some years but had moved back. She contacted me. We started talking again, went out to dinner a few times, and after a few weeks I went on a trip with her. The trip itself was full of red flags, but I ignored them. She would have these small fits of rage that were completely confusing. One being getting a text from her Aunt and her disagreeing with her aunts actions. But her anger would leak into our interactions and she would remain cold. Another night she wanted to spend sometime with her friends/oldroomates at their apartment. So I dropped her off, and told her Ill get some dinner and check out this city in the meantime. I ate at some suhi place, sat at the bar, ordered a few drink and just talked to the bartender for a while. It was getting late and the place was going to close, and I really didnt have anywhere else to go, and so I texted her saying I was going to head in that direction. A 25 min trip. I went up to the apartment and knocked on the door, and she had this wide eyed look when she answered, but I didnt think much of it and went inside. The rest of the night went pretty normal, they were drinking some wine, I talked with her old roomates, and it all seemed so innocuous. Until we got in the car. She angrily said, "I told you Id text you on when Id be ready". I said I was sorry, but that I texted her and she wasnt responding at had no other place to go. She yelled at me, claiming she doesnt care and I needed to wait. And just became sort of a cold monster. It was all so confusing, and I broke down and ask if her reaction and anger was warranted. I just wanted this to work so badly. The next morning, she was heavily apologetic, and warm, and a completely diffrent person. 

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 The thing that I think that has destroyed me the most and brought the onset of my BPD has been her tactic of claiming she wants out, and then claiming she regrets it and doesnt want that at all. One day we can be amazing, the next she's not so sure she can be in the realationship. And everytime, Id fall into a deep hole, of tears and despair, only to be met with love maybe the next day or so. And this has been a constant the entire time. I think its over for sure this time, but I dont know how to break free. Since we've been together, I feel like a shell of my former self, and at times I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. I need some serious help, can no longer afford the same therapist, and only see a psychiatrist who has prescribed Wellbutrin. I've alienated so many people in the last few years. I just want to break free and go back to who I once was. I apologize for the wall of text. I know it can use some editing, as well as more context. Thank you to whoever takes the time.