I have been mentally unwell most of my life. I take meds, go to doctors, do all the stuff they say you should do, but it hasnt done anything for me yet and i doubt it will. Ive been through so much lately that ive just lost the ability to cope with it anymore, i feel like. I crumble at the slightest bit of pressure. I spend my whole day feeling hopeless, guilty, unloved, unlovable, and alone. I just cant seem to find a reason to go on.

 Not saying Id do anything, its just that I know the reason i wont do anything isnt because i care to be here anymore. Id rather be gone, but i cant figure out a method that wouldnt hurt somebody i care about in the process. So, I have to wait until theres nobody around who I care about before i can take any action i fantasize of. I just wish i had a better reason for sticking around then 'im waiting for my loves ones to die' because i think we can agree thats a tad bit morbid and doesnt exactly set a person up for sucess.

Well, today i guess i got hit with the straw to break the camels back. I dont want to go into it, but its one final stressor on a sandwich of stress. At this point, im deperate for an escape. Ive thought about just walking away, but where would i even go? There is no escape when the prison is your own mind. I could move anywhere, do anything, have everything handed to me, and i would still never be happy. There is something fundamentally wrong with my brain, and there is no escape from it. The only escape is one i cannot take at the moment. and thats just frustrating.

I feel like i lose a little more of my sanity each day. I walk through life completely unaware of even the most basic stimulus around me. I just exist like a zombie with my eyes blurred and mind forcefully blank. I shut down any thought the second it appears, because all roads lead to depression in my brain. Its been about 3 years since I can remember being Me. Because...im not me anymore. I dont know who I am. Im like an empty void that took his place. Ive gotten to the point where its hard for me to even recall him, much less be him. But, im not a person either.

Ive gotten off track, but basically the point of this whole post is me wondering this: how do you deal with an overwhelming desire to escape, when the thing you are needing to escape is your own existence?