I write this sitting on my bed wishing I was dead. I just finished a 7 hour shift at my job without giving a fucking damn. I was released from the Psych Ward 6 months ago as a walking corpse with a mask. I say this because I put on a play for them to enjoy. I convinced them my suicide attempt was a joke or wasn’t real. My play paid off, I got out within 2 weeks. I had monthly check ups but I always did the same thing. Put on a show and make them happy. I do this everywhere now, school, work, friends, checkups, etc. I always put on a plan to make everyone happy when deep down I want to be dead. I’ve been depressed for 3-4 years now and Christmas always gets worse. I’m hoping this’ll be the last Christmas I get to “celebrate.” It hurts seeing everyone around me happy and cheerful, while I have to put on a stupid play just to fit in. I can’t take it anymore. It’s unfair. It’s gotten to the point I hate anyone who smiles or talks cheerfully. My job and fucking school makes it harder to get rid of this fucking mindset. Calling everyone garbage and unworthy in my mind and under my breath.I just want to be appreciated for who I am as a person. I don’t want to repeat a cycle of isolation and acting. So the only option I have left is suicide, right? I don’t care if you believe this, but it helps just a little to know that someone somewhat knows my story and struggles. God I hate Christmas and fucking New Years.