Mostly venting here, but the TDLR is that I feel debilitated by my bpd symptoms and quite hopeless about remission: how have you worked on your bpd symptoms? Is there hope for an easier future? 

Recently I began to see a psychiatrist after a mental breakdown.  After years of being in and out of therapy for depressive symptoms, I was finally given the "you have many traits of borderline" by this practitioner. I check a lot of the boxes: abandonment issues, fluctuating extreme evaluations of others, constant identity crisis, impulsiveness, suicidal ideation, mood shifts, perpetual emptiness.  It's kind of relieving knowing this, but I also feel extremely hopeless.  The "infantile" development of emotional regulation is something I feel a lot of guilt about.  So often do I feel confused about my emotional state.  Unable to compartmentalize, I can ruminate incessantly until I am wildly overwhelmed and then sometimes impulsive (usually reverting back to cigarettes, binge eating, or suicidal ideation, though I have been working on that a lot).  Other times I am just so unsure of what the "real" reality is, as if others will have a better grip on "what is" or "what happened" than I.    

The breakdown was instigated by a blindsided breakup of a two year relationship in late december.  I idealized this person waaaaay past a healthy point.  At first I blamed *everything* about the breakup on my ex who was genuinely emotionally abusive, but I have started to realize that my behaviour was really in line with the bpd traits and I am also quite culpable in it not working (in being abused? in starting the abuse?).  It "lasted" about four months, in which time I was extremely suicidal (mostly driven by the loss of my partner), until one day in April I "woke up" and began to realize just how manic/depressed I had been.  I also realized I do not have many memories of the breakup conversations or January in general.  This makes me revert to "they know what happened, and if I just called them they would tell me the truth".  

I have been better about dealing with my suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism.  Recently I have even had a lot of fun and been enjoying life more but, having named them symptoms I realize that they are also pretty unbearable.  I have been asking myself "what if this is what I will be dealing with forever?"  I go through a lot of days totally dominated by my emotions, constantly searching for external validation, terrified of being alone I constantly call people, idealizing strangers and giving them so much power over my sense of self worth.  Sometimes I just feel totally possessed and out of control (but maybe that's just me trying to worm my way out of being a culpable adult; something that my last partner really condemned because adults need to act like adults, especially men).

 It's a pretty exhausting state to be in.  I am feeling pretty hopeless about the complete remission of these symptoms.  How has your journey been?  Are you still plagued by these symptoms?