Getting paranoid or otherwise making a correct judgment that I am weirding someone out and/or they are abandoning me.

I've deleted many good friend's numbers to prove they didn't care. It was awful how easy it was for them to say bye. I keep freaking out when I'm talking to girls too and I end up deleting their nunber if I don't get a response and I'm left on read for too long... 

It feels like I have no control over this compulsion and I just dissociate to fuck and only realise afterwards. I'm completely alone but I've learnt self love about losing people and know that it was never my intention. It's not my fault I struggle with these things due to my trust being completely eroded.

Being truly alone, having no friends, family or partner for years really makes you ask yourself deep questions and get to the core of you. I wonder if I'm deluding myself into thinking that, that I am relearning reality after being gaslighted and manipulated in so many areas of earlier life.

So even though I'm alone, I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. At least I'm honest at all times and facing up to my reality, at least I'm surviving alone and having a good career despite wanting to end myself everyday.

I hope I can eventually come out of my shell again and allow myself to be vulnerable. 

I just wanted to get that off my chest, thank you.