Before I get into everything, this is pretty much me talking about what I think about and why I don't want to be here. (Vent?)
(Trigger Warning probably)


Recently I have been failing my classes and I feel like I can't take control of anything. Each day I have always thought of offing myself but I have a few connections that are keeping me from doing so. I even wake up and wish I had already offed myself. My parent and I have a good relaxing but when they are mad they make it a living hell. It's the relationship where when they're happy everything is going to be fine but if something ticks them off it's all over. I've been called disappointing and a disappointment. If it's my fault I tell them my reason but they see it as an excuse or just talking back. I love them but they make it really hard to hang on to the little string keeping me from leaving everything behind.
This may sound bad but, I really really want to know what's after death. It's not helping me want to be alive but it's one of the things I look up to. I want to see my future but it's taking to long for me. Of course after my future I will be gone at some point but I'm to impatient. I don't understand why anything has a purpose or why people are so idiotic and think to much about themselves. I feel like two different people at times. One that has its own personality, and wants to see the world and what is has to offer but the other wants to see everything beyond that. I feel like I'm living two different lives stuck in the same form. One lives with everyone else and has friends and things they like to do and their types and labels just like anyone else. While the other looks around and thinks how blind people are and realize how fucked our world is. Looking at politics, homophobes, gender roles, religion(I am fine with people believing in a religion but it's different when they try to push it on to others), etc. Just an out of body experience almost. Then remembering you have your own form and role to play as a person untill you forget and you're yourself again. With the different thoughts in my head and my own thoughts being mixed up, it feels like just multiple personalities in one mind/form.

Like I wrote in the title, I'm not sure what to do anymore. Time is taking forever and I'm not sure I have the patience to feel with everything. I haven't talked to anyone at all about this and not sure if I'm crazy or not. This felt like a vent and maybe deep thoughts. You may leave your thoughts in the comments and if you hate then your one of the people I'm talking about when I say we're fucked, unless you actually get offended then say something.