I've been in therapy for over a year, and I feel like I have little to show for it. It seems like when I'm single, recovery is always within reach. I'm pretty secure in my friendships and rarely ever split on my friends anymore. When I date somebody, though, my recovery takes 500 steps back. I retract back into an emotional, obsessed goblin. Riddled with jealousy and searching for signs that it's over. I'm so exhausted and so tired of fighting the fight.

I knew I wasn't ready for another relationship. I know what they do to me. And yet when my current boyfriend asked me out, I took the plunge anyway. I try so hard to act "normal" when I'm with him. I try to be present. But all I can think about is when it's going to end, and the immense pain it will cause. I think about how when this relationship ends, it'll make it harder to trust in the next one. He's told me that I can always ask for reassurance, and I have pages of evidence in my journal that he cares about me. Yet, I can never shake the feeling that one day he'll just decide that I'm too much, that my emotions are too intense. Every time he doesn't kiss me goodbye or sit next to me when we watch a movie, the BPD monster in me uses it as proof that the end is coming. I feel like I don't know what to believe anymore. I can't always be asking how he feels about me, but not knowing gives me so much pain. It's agonizing.

I know I shouldn't base my worth on another person, but it's so much easier said than done. It's dramatic to say, but I feel like if/when he breaks up with me, I might just kill myself. I won't be able to handle the pain, and I'm so tired of this song and dance. Every time a relationship blows up in my face, I swear off dating until I recover. But I don't think I ever will. I feel like a lost cause. I'm just a broken shell of a person and no amount of mindfulness exercises, journal entries or DBT will ever fix it. I just want the pain to end, and if ceasing my existence is the only way to accomplish that, maybe it's just time.