But I guess I'm afraid I unconsciously chose stories that would have led to a diagnosis. Idk I've felt like I've had BPD since July, but two therapists I talked to said "untreated depression and anxiety" and "attachment style issues". One straight up said "yeah so I don't work with THOSE people" when I mentioned that I resonated with BPD criteria. And then she said "those people are mean and hostile and give me a bad feeling and you don't do that". But I also don't think she was the best therapist. Or the most professional. Lol she talked about her alcohol addiction and about herself so much that I got really infuriated that I was paying her and she was getting more therapeutic treatment than me. 

My current therapist thinks I just have anxious attachment issues since most of my bpd symptoms revolve around my romantic relationships. Also he said he "treats patients not diagnoses" so he kinda just dropped the discussion completely after that. 

So I kind of feel relieved or happy because I was right all along. But then did I make it seem like I've had it more than I did? I didn't lie at all during the eval/whatever. But sometimes I don't feel like I have bod and maybe I'm just a hypochondriac who wants a diagnosis so she can have an excuse for all my bad behaviors. But also before I even knew bpd even existed, I still had all the symptoms.

This is a ramble. I guess one of the biggest things on my mind is who do I tell? I want to tell my boyfriend(?) But we're on a minimal contact break right now and I don't want to manipulate him into thinking that he should ultimately stay with me bc he pities me and it wasn't my fault that I did all the things I did in our relationship that got us where we are today. And like yeah, I do want him back but I want him to want me for me and not because he pities me and feels obligated or whatever. Can't tell my family because they don't believe in mental illness (also because they certainly contributed to it). Does it help telling other close friends? 

Oh yeah also anyone on Lexapro? I'm being started on that now and I'm uncertain if it will help at all. I've tried Zoloft but it did nothing for me emotionally. Just made me lose my libido and start having night sweats every night for a month. I wanted to ask for an anti-anxiety med (like a benzo) for when I go into those freak out modes and do something rash or start angry texting "You don't love me or care about me" yadda yadda. But I don't want to be like "hey prescribe me benzos pls" because I don't think that will work. Anyone use benzos? Do they help if you take them during an episode? I guess if I'm convinced enough that they'll help I might ask... But also yeah yeah I know, gotta learn to regulate on my own, DBT, etc. I'm about to go to a DBT class in like 30 min so chill, I'm doing a lot of hard work on my own too.