Heyo everyone. I havent posted a lot so I am sorry if this is just gibberish and stupid

I find it so difficult to live my day to day life. I am medicated with 2 antidepressants and adderall for my adhd but I cant consistently take it (adderall) bc if i do, the withdrawals make me feel x10 worse and i know using it for extended periods of time will fuck up my brain. I am too scared to take it every day bc of how it will affect me in the long run. 

I wish i could just forget about all the trauma and pain and everything that makes me want to turn to substances but i cant. I feel like i was dealt such a shitty hand in life and when im drunk or high i dont have to think about that. i can just exist but at the same time i know how unhealthy it is. i am afraid that i will become the person that i hate and i would rather die than be that.

i know this is just rambling but i am drunk and so afraid that i will never get better. i wish i could just be normal. it is so hard.