4 days ago me (20m) and my girlfriend (20f) separated after a year and a half because I fucked up and got on a dating app too fill insecurities and not actually engage in anything, “harmless compliments” I thought,  the she didn’t find out till my best friend told her out of the blue fur no reason that night, the same friend that has been hating his current relationship wouldn’t end his because he’s a coward but he was apparently completely ok with ending mine, and then she called me, and it honestly killed me inside to hear her like that, I felt a part of me actually die, the trust was gone. And she was beyond mad, she was scary, “you never loved me” “you’re sick”  and because I’m a coward I hung up, she just kept calling and calling and I got in my car, and I just started driving no fucking racing 90+ mph to my now ex best friends house where it’s all curvy backroads and it was raining and like 12:30 in the morning, the only thing I could think of is if I make it there alive I deserve to live, she honestly was the love of my life and I can barely do anything without her and in that car I just broke down  and started accelerating and screaming till I took a turn too hard and it almost killed me I very narrowly missed a tree still took my mirror and made it like 60 feet into a field no serious damage to my car thankfully but all I could do was sit there and smack the steering wheel and beg for it all to end and that’s when she texted me she was tracking me on life 360 which I forgot was on, and like the coward I am I turned it off and Sped the hell out of there, I wasn’t afraid of her hurting me I was afraid of seeing how I hurt her it would honestly destroy me, call after call seeing her happy face in my phone pop up every time she called, her cursing at me through texts till I finally found myself in a planet fitness parking lot of all places, fell out of my car and just started profusely vomiting all over the ground fucking balling, literally haven’t cried in like 3 years, And I just sat in my car all night completely numb and emotionless just gone while she texted and called and threatened to come to my house, which she has a key for, and I stayed in that parking lot all night wondering why I’m such a coward and why I couldn’t just do it, later that night she posted her at my ex best friends house, with alcohol in her hand, she never drinks and she texts me “I’m gonna make a mistake :)”  and didn’t say anything else she was always the sweetest most kind person I’ve ever met, if there was something she could for anyone that would make them smile, she would. and I changed that in her and I’ll regret that till I die, that guy was my only real friend and the first thing he did when he saw a sad broken girl was hand her a drink and what I can only assume sleep with her, I have a really hard time expressing my emotions and have a history of severe depression and have several attempts on the record, and I’m terrified that if I try and explain this to anyone else they’ll say I deserve it because Ik they are right I did cheat that’s my fault I made her who she is now, not really the answer you’re looking for but I havnt said anything to anyone about it in 4 days and I’m getting eaten alive, thank you for listening ):