Here's a bit og summary on my life before I get to my current situation:

Used to be an okay, fun loving, social kid. Dad died before I turned 10. 6 years of depression ensued, made worse by consistent daily school bullying. Entered high school and was reborn, genuinely somehow I became a different person that socializef with everyone, that everyone liked. 3rd year of high school got anxious again, and by the 4th year Id lost pretty much every friend I had made, although the group I was going out with I delibarately dropped because every single night theyd make fun of me for liking books and comics and movies and not sports and clubs. Enter university time, I was expecting that rebirth again, didnt happen, instead Corona happened, socialization droppee to a zero, lost contact with my best friend for over 13 years.

Here's the current situation:

Since covid restrictions liffted, we've been going to uni reguraly. And I just can't escape feeling like everyone in this 90 person class hates me, and it's so irrational, because in this last fucking week I had 2 people just randomly come up to me to make random conversation, and god did it feel so cathartic. Im still buzzing from it. 2 people I literally thought would never even notice me, let alone want to talk to me, ended up just casually strolling up and making conversation.

It's like I'm just feeling the burden of everything I've ever been bullied for that it's crippling me so much into overthinking every social interaction. 

It's like "God, I bet they hate me for (and then pick your favoriye option) : my long hair; my androgyny; my depression-made yellow teeth; my resting bitch face; my music taste; my skinny ass body with no muscle mass; my ugly ass voice; my nieche interests that nobody else cares about, etc. Etc"

It's like if I just start talking to someone I'm only gonna be waiting for that lightbulb moment where they realize something from that list and get instantly turned off from ever talking to me again.

And I'm so completely opposite of that. I only ever want people to not irrationally hate each other and get along, and yet it's me who always irrationally feels like everyone hates him.

I always feel just so incapable of being liked or likeable. And the only advice I ever get is  "Oh you should just stop caring about what other people think", and 2 things about that: I have absolutely no idea how to even do that; I don't think that that's the real answer

I've been so emotionally cut off from everyone my whole life that I just want to be liked for once, not go the opposite way of not caring whether I'm liked or not. But I don't know how to present myself as more likeable without changing, i don't know, my core interests.

And I look back on those 2 years of high school, and I have no idea where I magically got that confidence. I was loud, I was talkative, I was shouting out my interests even tho nobody else cared about them, and somehow I made friends with everyone in that class and outside of it. 

Previous 6 years had been such a shitstorm of depression and bullying that it felt like I just cut myself off from reality and entered some fantasy land as a coping mechanism, and it was so strong that I wasn't afraid to just speak my mind and be fun and interesting.

I don't know how I lost that spark and I don't know how to get it back. I don't want to feel like a random hallway exchange about a test is the best thing to ever happen to me.