I have depression, ocd, autism, cptsd, chronic fatigue and probably ADHD type 1. 


Today i planned a date with a guy I've been talking to for a while. I do enjoy his company. But it made me have a breakdown all of a sudden and realize that i just don't want any of this anymore. But I'm too scared to kill myself. I'm going on disability benefits already because I can't work or go to school, so why not just never go out anymore?

 I hate everything outside. It's dirty, loud, and filled with mean people. No matter how much kindness of beauty there is, which i do acknowledge, it's just safer in my room with my videogames and stuffed animals. I know logically i shouldn't but honestly would it even be that awful? I just want to be at peace for once. I don't even know if i want encouragement or disdain for this. 

I liked being in the mental hospital (the Netherlands, not a bad one like in the USA) The structure, the close knit group, the safe environment, the constant care, and no need to go out besides walks with a counselor if you desired. I want this again, but i don't want to take up a spot for someone who wants to better themselves and still sees some hope. So staying in my house forever with my parents is the closest thing.