I can't seem to stop thinking about a crappy thing that has happened recently. I think I am spending a lot of time ruminating on it. If that is the correct term, I am also not sleeping well and constantly anxious so I'm not feeling like I'm able to think clearly at the moment.  

I was doing really well in terms of managing harmful thought patterns and being pretty stable emotionally until I suddenly lost my job in a really hurtful way. I'm back to weekly therapy to help manage things, but I am almost constantly thinking about all the time effort and energy I put into working for a business I believed in, actually running the businesses' primary service only to have the owner start to treat me with suspicion, harass me regularly with vague complaints about things I didn't know what he was talking about and then suddenly tell me in a phone call I had prompted part-way through a busy work day that he wants me to resign or he will put me through extensive disciplinary procedures for matters he refused to name. 

I can't seem to stop going over the feelings of betrayal and hurt again and again. Then I get stuck thinking its my fault, I should have anticipated this, I knew the owner/boss was dodgy I've seen him blame other people for his shortcomings over and over again and I've seen how he badmouths anyone who he bullies out of the organisation. Why was I so stupid as to think I was any different? Or so ridiculous as to believe that despite the buffoon boss the business could still do good things? I put everything in my life on pause to keep the business running, I took out a loan to get a car to travel to work because they advertised the job in a location I could access by public transport and then before I started they moved to one I couldn't.. and there were so many warning signs I shouldn't have trusted these people as much as I did.   

I was told I had a position with the business for the long term, that my work was unparalleled, I had all excellent feedback - up until the last couple months... there were specific goals for me to move into higher roles in the business as it grew. I was hired to take the day to day work of the service away from the owner so he could move into other roles. The business was chaos when I began, he would rage and yell and then apologise and say it was just the stress. I had a job in which I had ownership over what I was doing and I did it well, I spent the majority of my first year there trying to resolve issues he had created from his incompetence. The role was in the disability sector and specialised in support for people with psychosocial disabilities but he knew nothing about them. He would frequently make horrendously offensive comments then at times refer to himself as the old white guy and joke them off and mostly staff would just ignore his offensiveness, sometimes when had the energy would try to educate without setting him off. Mostly my work was too busy for me to do so. Too many people that were not being supported well enough. Now I am so ashamed I helped promote a business that I now know was completely at the mercy of his latest whim.  

Things got bad after we went into lockdown due to covid-19, I moved to working from home in March, the owner stumbled around this time onto the information that I had a BPD diagnosis (he was saying some offensive stuff to me again about all the bpd clients always being liars and manipulators and the manager next to him stopped him). I never had the guts to defend people with bpd directly, I said little things like, "that's not really how it works" but I think I saw him as more of a ridiculous figurehead of the business and I trusted the other managers who seemed to manage him all the time... Anyway, Covid-19 happened just as I had gotten the business through some massive transitions without losing a significant portion of clients and was training up new employees he had finally agreed to hire, I was looking forward to them being trained up and my being able to not feel like I was drowning in work and not have to do unpaid overtime all the time to support clients. But instead of things improving as I had expected, it got worse. In the last few months I was there the work went from intense high workload stress that I could manage, to intense high workload stress combined with training new staff and also constant vague criticisms from the owner - the latter of which I could not manage.

Then the sudden "request" for me to leave. Without any explanation. And my sudden unemployment in this global pandemic. I can't comprehend what happened or why things changed so drastically. I just have ideas, but none of the possibilities seem worthy of the sudden dismissal. 

I don't know what I did, so I can't make sure I don't do it again. I'm scared all the time. I logically understand as friends and therapist have said that this is not my fault, that I was actually treated poorly and unfairly. But I can't seem to actually believe it. There is so much I'm stressed about and need to look after but all I can do is lie around with intense pressure in my chest each day and sporadically sob. Its been probably a month now, and my mental critics still have such massive influence over my everyday thoughts. I wonder if there is any point trying so hard as i still seem to get things so wrong. I trusted people, I never saw the dismissal coming. I trusted the operations manager but they were there with the owner threatening me to leave or be punished. I lost all my work friends and acquaintances I liked and trusted too. Some of them I know had said things to the owner about my work and my team's role that I think he blew out of proportion. I wonder if I'm still seeing them too positively and they actually did want me out of the business too. I'm an absolute sucker for someone being personable and nice to my face. 

I think I should have used the rant flair. Sorry I'm not sure what I'm doing on reddit. I just am constantly feeling I can't keep this up and I'm not sure what to do. I thought things were better for me, the job with all its flaws gave me an opportunity to pay for therapy and work on being more stable and now I don't know what I'm going to do but I know it wont be long until I run out of money. So i'll have to pick myself up and get another job but I'm so scared the same will somehow happen again or that i'm actually just ridiculously incompetent and I was delusional about my skills before. I don't know everything in my mind is a muddled mess right now.