i’m 18 years old, and after graduating an early college program with a useless associates in art, i had originally planned to not go to college, due to depression taking all of my passions away and ocd and other mental struggles eating me. i (used to) enjoy making music (maybe one day i can do it again, i know i used to be able to make what i once thought was cool, it is just really difficult to do anything), and i’ve even considered graphic design (just grew out of it), but i don’t see college benefiting me in making either a career. they just are too creativity-based, and i struggle a lot with disliking anything that is an extension or expression of myself anymore. i just don’t know who i am at all, and limiting my existence is the only thing that really brings me comfort anymore. 

after the enrollment date had ended, i saw a notice for an extension, and  i realized how much financial aid i had to use as well as a scholarship i had gotten. i decided to apply for computer science, which is completely unrelated to anything creative, which is what i used to believe my life revolved around. i have never done anything computer science related in my life. however, i feel like throwing something completely new at myself could be smart or completely stupid. plus i have a decent potential career wise if i succeed. i’m not really great at math, but i’ve made it through college statistics and stuff. i’m really not sure if i have what it takes, especially considering the rate of my mental state deteriorating 

for a while, i’ve felt indifferent about my decision to go to college, but on and off i’ll worry i’m making the wrong decision. i guess todays just one of those days. i’m at orientation for my college right now and it’s been horrible. nothing related to my area of study has been mentioned, but it’s just been a struggle. i feel like i don’t even know what i’m doing here. i have to stay overnight and like my usual self it’s been hard despite being such a simple thing. being around people is so difficult for me. even outside of this stuff i never feel human at all and i never want to exist . i say i’m suicidal but i don’t want to hurt myself because i don’t want to hurt others. my mind always goes to suicide though as it’s an abbreviated way to think of the whole complex thing i guess or something. i do have bad thoughts whenever i get overwhelmed. i don’t like any of it though, i wish the world and my mind weren’t so dark. i imagine myself not being able to do any of this. tomorrow is advising stuff, so i guess figuring out my schedule. i just worry i’m making the wrong choice. i don’t know why i’m worried though. i know i can change my major and all. i still need to apply for a job as well, im thinking waiting tables but what if that makes me even worse. 

after writing all of this and feeling like my words aren’t connected to or a product of me at all as usual, i don’t feel better. my mind is the same as always, so empty yet so overwhelmingly chaotic. i don’t know what to do, and i feel so weird and as if i’ve written so many things wrong. i feel constantly dissociated yet so extremely depressed and miserable. i feel so much guilt. i want to be happy for my mom and everyonei just don’t know how it’s possible. i just don’t want to exist, but i don’t want to hurt anyone so i keep doing it. i’m not selfless nor a good person in my eyes, i’m so incredibly lifelesss fake and empty and hopeless. i’ve been on four antidepressants of various dosages and have a therapist online. i’m sorry for rambling so much rather than getting to the point, it’s just so blurry