So this is a symptom that I struggle from. I love makeup and it’s a beautiful way for me to practice self love. It’s one of the things I’m able to do for myself, free from self loathing. Most of the time when I take my makeup off, I feel even more beautiful. It’s amazing. I just wanted to say that because I’m so thankful for that. 

But there’s also this thing I do, that I did well before I even received my diagnosis: staring at makeup palettes. I just turn on a YouTube video in the background and stare at my makeup palettes, sometimes for more than an hour. It’s just so satisfying for me to see that some shadows are more used up than others. I’m just there alone, hunched over in my room in the dark, feeling nothing but dread and terror, unable to stop staring at makeup. And then ofc it’s time to binge to numb the pain. 

All of my most troubling OCD symptoms that I have are ones that I’ve almost never seen anyone ever talk about, and it’s so fucking isolating. I don’t even even believe that I have OCD in my heart of hearts, even though I have received a diagnosis. It just hasn’t gotten into my head. I don’t wash my hands over and over or count, but I am very careful where I step and I try to even put things a lot, but those symptoms are honestly nothing compared to the dread I feel from the ones that I’ve never come across anyone else having. 

I feel so low about this, and I’m frustrated, because one of the few things that I was able to have in my life that wasn’t polluted by mental illness, makeup, has become a stumbling block, just like everything else. 

Most of the things that I love to do involve some sort of OCD triggers. Sometimes the entire thing that I love is a trigger. I really truly don’t know how to enjoy things anymore. 

My therapist also told me straight up that being attracted to someone is a trigger for me. I can’t stop seeing boys in my dreams and the thoughts of boys distract everything I do. I don’t want to think of them a lot of the time, but then the thoughts persist and I become addicted to the high of fantasizing about them. Before I know it, all I can think about is the cute boy who works at CVS who is clearly interested in me too. This definitely also has to do with my sexual abuse-related PTSD. I can’t even enjoy being attracted to a boy because my PTSD kicks in and the PTSD thoughts persist with the repetition of OCD and before you know it I am looking at some random dude like he’s a monster. The guy at CVS is tall and big and strong and I don’t care if he wants to be nice to me. In my head all he wants to do is fuck me and hurt me and I often see images of these boys in my head hurting me. 

Poor guy doesn’t even have a shot. Even if he tried to reach out gently, I’d be too afraid to hold his hand. I’m so frustrated, because I am so traumatized that I can’t even hold a boy’s hand. I’m 19 years old and I’ve never kissed a boy, largely because my trauma has held me back from even getting to know a boy who I have feelings for. If I had a dime for every time I sabotaged a situation where I had chemistry with someone out of fear, I’d be able to pay my fucking student loan debt off. And all of this shit could’ve been stopped if my parents had just decided to stand up for me when I was 12 years old and told them that this boy wouldn’t stop touching me, even when I told him to stop. 

I love watching people my age being so comfortable with themselves in relationships, unafraid to let someone in. I’m so jealous, because they have no reason to have their guard up like mine. 

How the fuck is “being attracted to someone” triggering???? Like what the fuck even is that?!?! 

I have no idea how I’ll ever be able to get close to someone. To be honest, I don’t think my therapist knows either, and I’m so scared.