I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have it left in me. I’ve been telling myself things will get better, but they’ve only gotten worse. I’ve had professional help on and off for 7 and a half years now. 

My brother is on the spectrum for autism. He’s older than me, but despite that, I feel it is my duty to protect him. I love him more than life itself. Of course I love my parents, and the thought of them finding my dead body is gut wrenching, but even more so to think if it would be my brother who found me. 

I’m pretty sure he’s depressed too, and with his certain mentality (being as he is on the spectrum) he probably would take it harder than anyone else. Not to mention, my parents would be devastated. 

I am so trapped. I’ve tried to write in my diary. I’ve tried to meditate, breathe, think rationally, etc, but to no avail. I cant continue living, but I can’t die. I don’t want to continue on. It’s too painful.