The only person I've ever looked up to, the closest thing to a real non abusive mum I've ever had, the only one who taught me to be an adult, how to mature, the only one who's never turned their back on me, and im being forced to watch her suffer. Watch the life literally leave her body. And call me selfish but I dont know what I'll do without her. She has terminal cancer and she's deteriorating quickly. 
The worst part is I cant even allow myself to accept it right now. My personal life is already in a bit of a mess accepting and feeling this is just gonna send me over the edge. The minute the thought crosses my mind I have to distract myself. Wither it be getting up and just leaving the house, ear phones in and just walking, smoking a joint, i even force myself to think about something else upsetting and consuming so I dont have to think about it. I feel guilty for trying to ignore it. For numbing it out. This is how I've always coped with stress. But what happens when I cant numb it out anymore. What happens when she passes. She's the only person I really care about, id give my life if it meant she could keep hers. I'm so scared I'm about to spiral, I'm already starting too. I have ocd too, or "pure O" I cant stop thinking about it yet im never really thinking about it. My head constantly hurts, I feel sick every second of the day, I cant sleep even more than usual. I've been lucky to never loose anyone from death but I've worried about it everyday since I was a young teen, ive always had a fear of my gran passing. My life was already a living nightmare but this is literally my deepest darkest fears coming true 💔