I am 26 years old and I live with chronic pain. I have fibromyalgia, PTSD from SA and abuse, borderline personality disorder, and depression among other things. I receive treatment on a weekly basis for my pain; Injections of lidocaine and physiotherapy. They inject about 20-30 spots on my body. I have nightmares about my pain and wake up either crying or screaming many nights. In my waking hours I dread the day I have to see my physiotherapist as she tries to work out the knots in my muscles which at this point feels like I'm being punched as hard as humanly possible over and over again for an hour (the longest hour of my fucking life). It honestly just feels like I'm being tortured. 

Right at the beginning of covid lockdown I was hospitalized for a severe, intense muscle spasm. I was in the middle of doing my dishes when I got stuck in my kitchen. It took 2 hours for paramedics to finally get me out of my home and into an ambulance. But not before receiving the maximum dose of morphine intravenously at my front door so that they could finally lower my pain enough to move me onto a stretcher. I couldn't walk for weeks and It took me about 2 months to recover from this. I have not worked since and I still have nightmares about it.

Everything I do causes me some sort of pain be it physical or emotional. I've isolated myself from all my friends and family because I got tired of answering the question "how are you doing" with "absolutely miserable" and seeing the look of discomfort and pity on their faces. I also got tired of lying by saying "I'm doing fine" when, I very clearly am not fine. I'm so tired of making doctors appointments. I'm tired of waiting for referrals for specialists with a waitlist longer than a collage certificate program. I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry I can't help you". I'm tired of having to rely on other people to get chores done or feed myself. I'm tired of being broke because I can't work. My medications have reduced my vision. I can't remember a god damn thing. My mind is always cloudy and I have a lot of trouble focusing on any task. Sleep is difficult to come by and good sleep feels impossible. I can't remember what being relaxed feels like.

Today was the 4th time i've googled how to kill myself. I came to Reddit looking for reasons not to do it. I've held knives to my wrist and bottles of pills in my hands hoping I finally muster up the courage to end my own suffering. Everyday I wake up and pray for death to release me from this living nightmare. I feel hopeless. My chest hurts. I'm so tired.