Today has been another really rough day- I feel like that’s all I’ve had the last few weeks. After deciding my heart was fine and I wouldn’t worry about it- my right side near my belly button starting hurting so I’m laying here with a heating pad, convinced that within the next 24 hrs my appendix will rupture and I will die. 

Why does it always have to be the right side, it’s never the life side that hurts- it’s always the right. I keep telling myself it could be indigestion or that I slept wrong but my anxiety is telling me I’m going to die or wind up in the hospital. Which I have a huge fear of hospitals- as trauma that occurred during an emergency hospital visit caused my health anxiety and medical fear. 

I’m so exhausted and tired of this- I beat off one worry and another one hurtles back in to take its place. The last two weeks I’ve been scared I’ve had heart attack, pleural effusion, liquid in my lungs, my throat closing, then my heart again, and now appendicitis. I’m fighting them off the best I can but the minute I get rid of one and try to celebrate something else happens. I just need it to stop. 

I’m so sick of this stuff and so sick I don’t ever even get a break from it. And one of these days if my anxiety is right and I do end up in the hospital, I feel like my anxiety will never recover.