Just a dumb vent... sorry for english mistakes..

I'm an only child and my parents divorced when i was a little kid and then, because of divorce's law thing, i needed to stay at my fathers or my mothers house for one week each, so they basically kept throwing me to each other to get away from me when they were tired and stuff. 

My father has always been a very immature person that should have never had a child. He 'liked' being with me only to show off to other people that he was a father, but then would leave me alone at his apartment to party with his friends. 

My mother is very emotionally unstable because of the traumas she has from her own family and i remember that she would tell me that i had to go stay with my father whether i liked or not but then when i returned to her house she wouldn't look at me or even speak to me for the whole week. Some days she would remember that i existed and act normally but despite knowing that, i barely remember this moments. But i can remember perfectly the face she had when she would look at me when she was in a bad mood. 

All of my friends from childhood had some type of family problem too. My best friend was also so ignored by her family but i never really realized that until i was much older. I think it was normal to me i don't know. I still feel really bad about not being able to help her when i think about it. None of my friends had parents that payed attention to them and the older i get the more this f me up. Like is this normal? I know not all families are like this but is this the norm on how a family should act? My cousins are around my age and none of them get along well with their parents either.

When i see family gatherings or anything like that i genuinely feel sick to the stomach. Families getting along and being nice to each other is insanity to me. It makes me so uncomfortable. 

I've been so absurdly lonely my whole life and it's just normal to me. Like it doesn't matter that it hurts me, i feel that this is how i'm supposed to be. I've withdraw so much into myself i can't be part of the world anymore. 

I don't want relationships, i don't want a family, i can't deal with those things. I can't deal with normal people but i also don't how to help the broken ones. 

I don't know what else im supposed to do as a person tho. When i tell people i will never have kids they just laugh at my face and yeah, they are right. It's so normal to just have kids and then not know what to do with them and when they turn out not easy to deal with to just blame them... i know i'll do this to any child i have and i refuse. I refuse to be another shitty parent.

I know nobody will read this crap so i'll stop here. It's too long and pathetic already. I don't know why i wrote this but i needed to put these thoughts somewhere.