So last weekend I was on evening walk with my husband and dog. I haven't been feeling that good lately and we ended up having a fight in the middle of our walk. So i ran away. I have a certain place in a forest where i have been dreaming a lot to end myself. So i took my steps toward the forest. This was the first time after 6 months that I had so strong will to end this all. I was so sure that I'm not returning back home anymore. 

But! I got lost. I ended up walking a big circle and returned to the point where i left my husband. It was complete accident. So I gave up and went home. 

I'm still wondering if it was a right decision to come back, or should i have went and keep searching the right path to my forest.

I was 5 months in acute therapy, then i got transferred to another psychiatric center. There i met the doctor once, got my diagnosis, and then.. Nothing! Its now been two moths or so (my vision of time is really blurry) and i have been without any therapy, or any help. Everything is getting harder and harder. My husband has aspergers, so its impossible for him to understand what im going trough.

There is still the acute therapy help line, but im scared to call there. My every single call has been terrible!! (Panic attacks, anxiety, throwing my phone..) just thinking that makes me not want to call anywhere.

I am in some kind of waiting line for therapy, but i dont know how long the line is. I have found no help for borderline online. 

I'm stuck.
Just wanted to write this. I just wanted that there would be at least one person to hear and understand.