I'm talking to my ex again. We've been on/off for about three or four years. Every time we had a mild inconvenience or a small fight, I blocked her, broke contact for a few months, then she messaged me again, and we started talking again, then got back together.

The last time I broke up with her, that didn't happen. She didn't text me. I lowkey stalked her twitter and eventually found out she was in a new relationship. It broke my heart.

I always thought that she would always be there for me, now it didn't feel like that anymore. For about a year I checked her Twitter every now and again, just to see if she was still in a relationship.

I messaged her once, just telling her I was sorry for all the shit I put her through, and that I was happy to see she was in a good relationship now. But I got scared, had a panic attack, and blocked her right before deleting the whole account.

Last week, I messaged her again, on a new-ish account. I said basically the same thing, but then again, blocked her, this time without deleting the account. A few days later though, she messaged me, almost disciplining me that if I always just blocked her, how was she supposed to react to what I said?

So we got into talking again. Her relationship is pretty good, it has it's hurdles, but, unlike me, they don't just vanish with every inconvenience. That kind of hurt (a lot), but I was still happy she's happy. And I truly thought we could be friends.

But it quickly turned flirty again. I do know that she's just casually flirty with her friends, that's just how she is, but it felt _different_. Maybe because we used to date, maybe just the things she said to me and sent me, I don't know. 

I very quickly fell for her again. All the time I'm feeling guilty now. She's in a relationship, a good, healthy relationship, unlike ours. But it hurt so much. I keep imagining my life with her as my partner again, she's even talking about how she wants to move in with me and all that.

It came to a point where I was about to actually message her partner about the things she sent me, because surprise surprise, she hadn't told them that we're talking again.

I talked to my best friend about it though, and they said that I should confront her first. So I did. I literally asked her "What is this?". Her only reply? "I don't know." She said she didn't really want to talk about it, and we didn't much, as I don't wanna make her uncomfortable, no matter how much it hurts.

But today I finally got the courage to actually tell her how I felt. I told her I felt like this was cheating, that I wasn't comfortable with it, and so on. She essentially said that she talks to all her friends this way, that the fact we used to date doesn't change her view of me as a close friend, and that she simply hasn't told her boyfriend that we're talking again because he'd just be mad about the fact that I'll probably just hurt her again.

I told her about my true feelings for her. I deleted the message pretty quickly, but she still saw. She told me it was fine, I couldn't control my feelings. But the thing is, I can control what I say. Or at least I should be able to. But apparently I'm not. 

I told her I'd rather just change subjects and she agreed, so we kept just speaking about whatever.

But it still feels terrible. It hurts so much to have her so close yet so far away. And I really don't know what to do about it. It's bringing back a lot of bad habits again, habits I broke already, that I thought I was dealing with fine. Also, I can't even talk to my therapist about it, because she's on holiday for another two weeks.

If you read this far, thank you. I'm really glad to just be able to rant for once. And if anyone has advice, it's very welcomed. Thank you.