So my ex was a dismissive avoidant and I am a fearful avoidant. I was largely codependent upon him and had the stereotypical obsession like “I would die for you” type feelings. I am now dating my current boyfriend has a secure attachment style and our relationship is nowhere really near the same amount of intensity that me and my ex had.

I’m definitely not trying to idealize my ex and put my boyfriend down for that because I’m really grateful for him. My ex and I fought constantly and always claimed to be on the verge of breaking up. But we always came back together whereas my current bf gave me an ultimatum that I need to unlearn the manipulation of asking, “should we break up?” I think it’s a good ultimatum for me ultimately and he’s really an amazing boyfriend but overall I don’t feel the same pull to him as I did to my ex. I feel almost distant from him but I’m not sure if that’s maybe because I’m really traumatized by my last breakup and purposefully maintaining my detached attitude so I can’t become a codependent mess again. In my last relationship I felt like my ex had total control over me.

Not sure where to ask this but maybe someone can relate or has thoughts on this. Thanks.