What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
I don't know but, I know what it feels like...all I've ever KNOWN are feelings...
To me, BPD essentially means, the person I KNOW I am, will always be stuck in the center, while my harsh and ragged borders will be the only thing seen by 99%...
I didn't place these borders on myself or choose to live inside them, MY choice was taken from me long ago. These borders were built when I was too young to help myself or to escape the construction team. While not true to all with BPD, I am a true product of my enviroment. Built and designed by a team of unique individuals...who were all broken themselves. Pair that with a natural imbalance of the brains' hormones. I was destined for disaster since birth.

Every single day will be a new battle. Created within my own mind...which the world so foolishly assumes ONLY I can control.

Assumptions will be the death of me. For I am not you. I'm not even me.

I'll always be TOO weird, or too open...
Too aggressive, too honest, happy, bubbly, strange, hyper, yadda yadda, ect...
I'll always be TOO much in most areas...and not enough in all the rest.
I'll forever feel like a walking contradiction in search of the truth.

I'll question myself daily about every decision I've ever made. Back to the earliest of memories. Wanna know I did wrong at 3 years old?
I remember. Every single day.
I remember the disappointment in my mother's face. I remember the tile floor in the kitchen of that house I haven't seen in 36 years. It hurts, I'm tired.

You won't see most of this though...

If I get angry with me, I feel not worthy of my life
If you get angry with me, I feel not worthy of my life or our friendship 
I feel everything...
As if it's a scalding iron...
It hurts, I'm tired

To hear everyday...
"Just get up and exercise, you'll feel better!"
Or
"You just need to go to bed earlier"
Or
"Just don't think about that!"

My friends, my family, they all tell me these words and they mean no harm...but everytime I hear it, I can't help but get lost in the dream of being able to control my own thoughts. Its an inconceivable concept to me. I can only control my reactions to thoughts.

Why do they say those things? Why do they think this is a choice?
Wait, what?
Do they think I'm stupid? They must! But why? Have I displayed that much stupidity in my life? I think...I think, I think too much....
It hurts, I'm tired

I WANT to get up
I want to destroy that evil drunken twin who guards the borders of my mind almost 24hrs a day. She's so fast though...
It hurts, I'm tired