I can identify my BPD behaviour about 70% of the time, when I'm in a good place. I still have all the thoughts and do crazy shit around my favourite person, but I have the ability to moderate it a bit. When I'm 'okay' I can describe my thoughts and feelings which are not normal. Of course, when I have a bad day or episode, I can't, but I can look back and think 'that's where you went wrong.' Sometimes it's good, but when you are so self aware that you KNOW you are acting like a crazy person but do so anyway, it kills me inside. Then there's the feelings of shame, of knowing I did something I shouldn't have done. Of knowing I acted out, hurt someone yet again. The clarity I have, being able to identify the fine line between 'me' and BPD hurts me inside because it's like watching a bomb go off, knowing the bomb is going off, and standing next to it, not able to stop the detonation.