My life is getting really busy now and I’m determined to accomplish my goals in treatment and beyond but when I have downtime I’m in my thoughts I feel like I’m spiraling. 

They haven’t spoken to me in months. I know I wasn’t doing great the last time we talked but I always asked for them to be honest and tell me if something was wrong, not just disappear. They agreed they would but. Well idk what’s going on and as much as i wish I knew, I know they’re a trigger for me. 

Unfortunately it’s come to that and i have to do the hard thing and not reach out to them whether they’ve abandoned me or not (I assume they have, I should take the hint right?). 

I’m just so hurt because it’s a repeat of last year and I was desperate to not go through it again. I thought they were different or that I could grow. idk if I even changed or if I *can* change. 

Now I have to delete every trace of them from my phone now so I don’t do anything I’ll regret. I’m debating whether I should block them too. But it’s hard because they mattered to me so much and I thought they’d stay. I didn’t think I’d feel so hurt by them that I can’t be around them. Compared to last year I’m fucking fantastic. But I’m not okay. I’m really not. I need all the distractions in the world right now.