I’ve been living on my own for over two years now. I’m living with some close friends, so that’s nice, but they’re kind of my only ones. I got others but my anxieties and ruminations have been debilitating for this entire last year and I can’t take it anymore. I’m medicated and not unstable, but I’ve had persistent depression and intrusive thoughts regardless of meds. I have a good support system, but for some reason I’m unable to benefit from it. I can’t maintain good habits anymore. I feel as if I’m throwing in the towel. 

I’ve failed/dropped many classes, wasted upwards of $10,000 in federal aid. I’m technically a sophomore now, but I don’t think I have it in me to do anymore classes, especially while working. I had one job for 9 months miraculously (gap semester), but eventually I just quit due to my depression and not being able to wake up for it. It was shit pay anyways. I can’t stop thinking about the shit show the last 3 years have been. I keep thinking back to all of these mistakes, how little progress I’ve made, memories of my family, and my ex I broke up with a year ago. 

I feel like if I stay here for another semester I’ll end up hospitalized, cuz I don’t want anything to do with life anymore. I’ve had quite the fixation on death and self-harm recently, and I’m starting to feel kinda unsafe. I can’t focus enough to do anything productive or socialize because my thoughts distract me, nor do I even want to at this point. Everything is a blur, months go by and I’m the same. I’ve fucked up big I think. 

Logically I shouldn’t go home, because while my family is awesome, there’s nothing there, I’ll just stay depressed. There’s so much potential living here on my own, but I’m scared of it, and I can’t do anything with it. Either way I’ll just waste away I guess. It feels like I have no place. Sorry for the pity party, but I don’t really wanna talk about it to anyone else yet, wanted to get it out somewhere.