TW: motoric tics, abuse, self harm?

English is not my Native language and I am quite distressed as I a writing this, so forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes

I (f17) had my first group therapy session last week at my psychaitrists and it kinda went awful. So I have been in therapy for almost 3 years now for various issiues mostly regarding anxiety and depression, to keep my story short:  I

n 2018 I went on a student exchange and it went awful with me living in an abusive family for 3 months and developing (I think this was the main trigger) awful anxiety.

I was in therapy before the exchange for 1 1/2 years due to bullying and issues with my socal behavior (Personally, I think that I probably have a disorder on the Autism or ADHD spektrum, but everybody just told me that it is just a 'side effect' of my high IQ; like blind people hearing better), and stopped the therapy after moving. Last summer I went into therapy again due to very bad depressive symptoms.

This was also the moment (especially when we were told that we would need tpo return to school again) when my anxiety started to peak in a way it never had before, and i started feeling paranoid and developed pretty bad motoric 'tics' (apruptly lifting my arms, uncontrollable spasms in my arms, shivering), all while my brain never stopped to remind me of every single thing i ever did wrong/when i wasnt enough. My mom, like evey sane parent, demanded i get tested, and they did a large blood picture?, and everything was fine. Everything was peachy my tics got better but my mind got louder and louder. Where we live, there are only a very limited amount of therapists I can see, and as the first one wanted me to buy essenbtial oils and do yoga to heal my depression, the second one seemed ok, so I stayed with her.

After very many months of pointless therapy (Knowing where my problems stem from doesnt really help me, as I already know that), i finally had gathered all my courage and asked my Mom to make an appointment at a psychaiatrist (she has expressed herself against medication several times in the past), as my depression got worse and worse, together with my constant 'running-thoughts' and several independent doctors me recommended see to see one and get medication prescribed.

The appointment was in the beginning of April, and i got 3 more appointments for behavioral tests and an EEG (one in July, one in October and one in January) with the offer of group therapy and a place on the wait list for behavioral therapy.

So yeah, back to the group tehrapy session. Everybody said something they wanted to talk about and had issues with, the problems of the 5 other teens (i was told they were all 2004 and up, but I am the oldest and only one other person could have been born in 2004) were all around not getting along with teachers and not having good grades, and I talked about my worsening anxiety (the tics started to become 'self harmful' with me compulsivly hitting my head when I have an intrusive thought) and panic because of school as i feell responsible to keep my grades up because I 'need to', while not even having the energy to shower, and i just encountered plain 'ignorance?', they all acted (including the doctor) like I could just swich all that pressure of by telling em that i dont really need to do all this. 

And i just didnt want to destroy their feeling of having helped someone by telling them that it did nothing for me, and I have been telling myself that it is neither my fault nor my responsabilty for years, so I just stayed quiet at the end and tiold them I was going to give it a go.

I just dont know what to do anymore: Part of me knows I need to get out of this situation of constant stress somehow (I dont thinj the upcoming 6 weeks of holiday will be enough, bc I start panicking 3 weeks in), but I worriedt hat people will think I just want a holiday or attention when I ask to go to the psychaitry and I dont know who will help my parents when I am gone and what if i miss something, and what if i fail my last two years of school (I cant fail a year in those two years and almost all exams are going into my final graduation grade), bc i missed something crucial in those weeks. 

I just want all thos ethpughts to stop, and if it is by tacking meds then great, but i read online that most psychaitrists only prescrivbe them, when everything else has been tried, and i havent treid everything, but I am running out of time.

So has anybody been in a similar situation to mine, or has any other advice on what i could/should do? has the 'just-tell-yourself-it-is-not-your-fault approach' ever worked for you? How do you make your brain stop?