Hi there,

I'm having real trouble dealing with my very anxious girlfriend at the moment, I wonder if you guys could share some insight? Particularly if you have ever made a relationship work where one partner has anxiety and the other is the complete opposite. Our context is below:

My girlfriend is a successful, smart, beautiful 27yo woman with a high-octane job. Her non-anxiety-driven personality is just amazing to be around. She can be so supportive, kind, and thoughtful to me and my family too. But, her anxiety has become a constant theme, and her defence mechanisms can be so unpleasant (dismissive/cynical/rude behaviour). I try to support her by encouraging her to take a more positive approach, which works for me, but she tends to resist this and arguably it makes it worse. I have gently encouraged her to seek therapy for three years, she decided to start around six months ago and she is definitely putting in the effort. Still, I would say one in every two evenings ends with her employing one of the above defence mechanisms or crying because 'everything is her fault'. I think she's frustrated that her anxiety isn't 'fixed' yet despite six months of therapy, which just adds more to the background level of anxiety.

I'm a confident 28yo man. I struggled with dark depression in my late teens/early twenties, so I have a huge amount of respect for mental health issues, but I've personally been in a stable place for several years. My always-on coping mechanism is to maintain a growth mindset and positive attitude. I have personally benefited from years of therapy, which has really developed my own empathy as well as making me an advocate for therapy for others. I'm comfortable being honest about what I want, saying what I mean, and apologising when I get things wrong. I sometimes look back at my diaries from that dark period as proof that things can change and it gives me hope. I just want to live a life where my girlfriend and I are happy together.

She sometimes raises the subject of marriage and kids - I want both of those things, but I can't imagine building a home with this kind of instability. My parents divorced terribly and hate each other, so if I could do one thing in my life it would be to build a happy home for my future kids. At the back of my mind, I wonder if we will ever get to a place where the life we both want is possible. I also wonder whether I'm helping her or making her anxiety worse.

What I'd really like to know is, how can we go back to loving spending time together when my positivity makes her feel inadequate and her negativity brings me down? Have you done anything in a similar situation that made it better? I'm just seeking information and I have a thick skin, so feel free to constructively criticise. I'm also happy to give some examples/more detail if it's helpful.

Thanks very much.