You guys also get this feeling like your just kinda just, "on Earth". Like watching a Movie, super unsure about what the fuck you're doing? But at the same time everything you've known is on the line and could disappear in an instant? Last week I just drank alcohol with my anti psychotics, hugged my gf and cried silently and just wanted that to be the end. But again, feels like I just cant die. All these attempts to die and hospital surgeries that lasted 14 hours. Never feels like your actually going to die in the traditional sense, but feels more like your going to a better more quiet one with actual enjoyment and no rules.. No authority, I watched in complete disgust as I lay in a middle of a road in complete black clothes and pitch black lights as cars went around me like it wasn't even happening before my eyes. I feel so distant from reality that most of what I think, feel and do are deemed "socially unacceptable" and "unnatural", however largely doubtful of this I may be. It was pretty much drilled into me by many people and still is. Can't tell if I wanna be "normal" but also wanna know what it's like to have fun again. As a fan of physics I often find it to be a super disturbing, bizarre and stupid societal issues really are. Growing up as a male I never understood/understand my role, my place or my future. And for the most part, I'm fine with it. Except when it's raised into question, then, I have no clue. Feeling like a shell of a human body. Maybe it's my age or the current state of matters in the world. But it's exceptionally difficult to understand what I am. I hate it and love it at the same time and never, at the same time (IKR). Am I wasting my time or am I living better than most? I can't tell. The only certainty is Chaos, within physics and life experience alike. Just feels like one long fever dream. Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between reality and fiction. And for the most part. They merge. I disagree with most social norms because I think it's complete bullshit, as for work, don't even get me started, we slave away for 40 years to die? NO! I told them I will die before becoming some corpo slave. This whole world, it's operations. Ways people think, ways people act, speak, undermine, enslave others. I wont stand for any of it. But is that my purpose? idk. Do I need a purpose? No. But what if I don't? So many questions, such a fragile human condition. Anyway, enough rambling. Thanks for being here. Appreciate you all. Have a good one.