I'm depressed because i hate my self, im so lazy i cant do anyone any favors and all i do is drain my mother from money and get fat in front of my pc, i hate myself also because im an autistic fuck that keeps making annoying and unfunny jokes in front of people.

Now let me explain the masochistic psycho part.

Because of my self hatred i always appriciate any pain i get because i know that i deserve it, and i want to become a cop when i get older (currently 15yr old) because i hope i will get shot, cause if i ever lay my hands on a firearm i wont have the balls to pull the trigger, but i just watched a few videoes about what its actually like to be a cop, appareantly a big part of it is visiting apartaments that are gonna smell really bad, many gross stuff, dead bodies etc. the way the guy from the videoes explained it made it seem like a true nightmare "one night you might wake up with cold sweat thinking about that dead little girl that looked like if she looked at you through out the whole investigation" then i started thinking about me getting scared, panicing, puking, going a little insane.. and i smiled. and started getting happy thinking about that this could happen to me one day, the thought of me suffering makes me happy. i want to get what i deserve. i feel like a fucking psychopath. but im friendly. i just dont like me.