Hi, I am 25, and I need a little help while assessing my situation. I am currently studying abroad, and studying chemical engineering. Although I did enjoy studying abroad, the fact that my mom is funding it has led to a lot of family clashes. I felt a little depressed and suicidal and almost sometimes revengeful towards my parents during my teen years cause I felt my problem was not validated by my parents. I always seem to be lost in thought or lose track of like everyday conversations and forget what my mom has told me regarding stuff so I used to get punished a lot for that for supposedly "being lazy". But my mom kinda always wanted to do those things for me so that I can focus on my studies which kinda made me into a mama's boy. Although it might have temporarily solved the problem, because of my constant forgetfulness, it never improved and I remained in constant stress trying to deal with how much I do not know compared to my friends and how much I have to overcome by my accumulated tasks and felt very hopeless and worthless for me to continue. This led to social problems and bullying(I had friends but some cases i had bullies which were christian who were trying to be priests by the way.) Even though I know so much, there was little I can do. This led to suicidal thoughts cause compared to what I know, there was little I can do. One time, she even denied my problems and compared to when she was a teen I am not poor and have support. I was only able to overcome this partly when I study abroad as like now but since she funds it, I really felt very conflicted on how I achieve my independence. This family stuff also influenced my grades and I had multiple failures of subjects in my university, and that led me to being very hopeless about graduating uni and have a future. Compared to what I learned in Uni I am really behind and stuff and feels like I am worthless and stupid for making such a decision to enroll in my major(not to mention I had failures since high school with all that family mess). I don't always but sometimes think death might be the only way to escape this cause now my parents would refuse to pay my university, I probs have to serve the military service back home and might not be able to live my own life when I literally have nothing back home. Despite that, I always feel guilty and somewhat being lazy for even thinking of all this because I still feel happy sometimes despite suicidal thoughts. What do you guys think?