my favorite person is my best friend who i've known for nearly two years and our shared friend for less than 2 months. my fp just confessed to me over text that he's been concealing their relationship from me to avoid my reaction. just a month ago, my fp told our friend about my bpd without my consent and i am still trying to forgive him for that, so tensions have been high ever since.

i should mention that my fp and i were each other's first kiss last year (we're both in our teens and decided to do it just because) and i've had romantic feelings for him since, but it tears me to fucking shreds because i know that we'll never work. he's gay and i was born female. he's told me before in casual conversation that he doesn't think he could be in a relationship with anyone who wasn't born as male due to sexual desire.

i'm bawling my fucking eyes out. this is the first step to replacing me. i want to scream and cry and hurt myself. we all go to the same school. i don't think i'll be able to handle seeing my fp being affectionate with anyone else without breaking down. 

i fucking resent our friend but i know it's not his fault. i know he didn't do anything wrong. i fucking despise how self aware i am, how irrational i'm thinking and feeling without being able to stop it.

i know my fp is going to leave. i know it. this is the first step before it all crumbles.