Im probably gonna leave this up for a few minutes but I need to get this off my chest. Thanks to this quarantine thing due to the Corona virus I have to spend more time with my grandparents (who I live with) I like there company but I don't like being around them since we  can get into alot of arguments which have been happening alot recently.

I recently just got into another argument other a silly thing. I asked her "What do you mean?" and then she started to have an argument since she though I was being rude. I told her I wasn't being rude then she continues moaning at me. I tried to speak up but my granddad keeps on backing her up. When I went upstairs she mumbled under her breath" you little shit. "
I'm sensitive and that really messed me up. Then she comes up and says ," Don't expect to get any friends if you have an attitude like that. " and" Your being immature. You should know what fine means your not an idiot. " she had attitude so I did too. 

Wow, even my grandparents hate me now. I'm already depressed and mentally messed up but that just tops the cake. It's like everyone I'm close with is trying to target me. I want to sleep forever. Each day it feels like my personality changes and Im constantly changing my opinions in things I feel so narccistic sometimes. It can get so exhausting, I feel emptiness. I suffer from derealization and it makes my world feel like a dream, I'm constantly tired of my burning feelings it sometimes feels like there are knives being stabbed directly through my heart and it burns horrifically.

Why should I exist if there's just pain and suffering that constantly stalks me. It comes out ready to strike when someone makes a little action or insult that emotionally hurts me. It's as if my emotions are ten times stronger than other people's. Not to mention my horrific memory loss. I can barely remember many things only faint details, it's as if I have alzheimers. I feel cold inside and out.

Sometimes it feels as if Im going insane, like I'm slowly losing my sanity. Im used to this pain but sometimes it's as if I just click and they it comes flying back to me all at once. I don't even know why I'm like this, I only experienced neglect and some abuse when I was living with my parents but it wasn't alot, I was young though and I've recovered. Sometimes It feels as if everyone is rotten inside and all they do is pretend which is why I have trust issues. I have constant negative fantasies e.g. Getting into an arguments.

I feel cold and numb, what is the meaning of living if I have to live in this cycle of pain just because Im sensitive. Im pathetic. I feel like I'm being mentally drained.