I was diagnoses with bipolar twice, I did not accept the diagnosis until I was 20.

I met monthly (approx) with a psychiatrist for about 4 years. A lot of this was to get my moods under "control". I was also diagnosed with ADD, PTSD, and a very mild form of OCD. During our sessions, we often focused on my traumas. My dad was absent most of my life. My mom and stepdad were heavy meth users and alcoholics throughout my adolescence. I suffered a lot of abandonment from this. I found it to be even worse than my dads abandonment, since my mom lived in the same house but would usually disappear for days at a time (sometimes only to her room, but would lock the door and I was never allowed in). It was a chaotic house - I would leave a dish on the counter and it would get smashed "so I'd learn". My stepdad took a permanent marker and wrote "don't come back" on all of the doors as a reminder every time I left the house, because he didn't like me living there. I won't get into a ton of detail, but a lot transpired during those years. I was a relatively happy kid growing up, but once I hit my teen years, I became an entirely different person. I was angry all of the time. I thought everyone was out to get me. I left all of my friends and started hanging out with people that I didn't really have much in common with (they were all older than me and dropped out of high school) but I knew wouldn't leave me, despite my toxic behaviors. I knew this because I acted horribly a lot of times, and they always ignored it.

During my sessions, I found that regardless of my mood, it would change so drastically at the smallest thing. I was incredibly irritable and would rage very easily. I asked for help with this but my psychiatrist never was able to help me much. She mainly suggested grounding techniques or counting to ten, which never worked for me. I was in very toxic relationships that would be "amazing" one day and then hell on earth the next. As soon as I thought someone was getting tired of me (sometimes it would only be a change in tone), I would stop talking to them because that way I had the upper hand on being the one to leave. I had two suicide attempts, engaged in self harm, disassociated quite frequently, and abused substances. One day, I had horrible anger and ended up getting charged with assault.

My benefits stopped and I am no longer able to go to a psychiatrist (this happened about a year ago).

My bipolar symptoms barely bother me. I get depressed, but I have no mania. My mood swings don't last days, sometimes only an hour or two. I tried to look up ways to help calm my mind (the anger, always thinking people are out to get me, the need to leave relationships/friendships at the drop of a hat), and I stumbled across BPD symptoms. I had no knowledge of what it was, but I fit the description to a T. I relate to it even more than my bipolar symptoms.

I feel like a fake when I browse this subreddit because I've never been diagnosed. I had been in denial about my bipolar for years, yet as soon as I read about BPD I thought "that's exactly what I'm struggling with". I just feel like I should shut up until I get a diagnosis, but I also can't afford to see a psychiatrist right now.

TLDR; I was diagnosed bipolar but do not experience a lot of the symptoms, I looked further and discovered what BPD was and I relate to it but feel like a fraud without a proper diagnosis.