I am slowly breaking down. My dreams are all the same; a team I’m not a part of, sneaking, hiding, living outside society. 

Things are making less and less sense. More and more I just hear a clanging when I look inside me.

Relationships with me and my housemates have totally broken down. I am a broken person who breaks the people around me. 

I want peace. I tried so hard to find a place where I fit in. The truth is I already fit. I make every one else *mis*-fit and  then I leave. I wanted to think my darkness was a twisted part of me. That learning to be happy was learning to really be myself and discard the darkness. But it isn’t twisted. It’s me. There’s nothing I can do to untwist myself.

I am too old for this. Too many cycles; too much starting again. I can see how people say immortality is a curse; watching the same events unfold again and again, knowing there is nothing you can do to change them. The getting better is a part of the cycle. The shame is a part of a cycle. The learning is part of a cycle. Its not real learning; its just a necessary stage in the self destruction. Destroy yourself. Remake yourself. Get more and more exhausted. Get less and less hopeful. Question everything. 

“When will this friendship end?”

“What hurtful thing will I say in a years time that will destroy your day?”

“Where will I go once I’ve destroyed this relationship?”

“Is it right for me to make friends with this person knowing that I will destroy it?”

I’ve come to believe its never right. I have said hurtful things, done hurtful things and the only thing I have left is to forget about friends all together. 

Is it truly the end this time? Is there finally going to be an escape from this? Or is this just part of the cycle? A prison inside a prison inside a prison.