This felt like the thing that could finally turn my life around. 

We have been “talking” for about half a year now. I say “talking” because all it is is Snapchat. I only see her in school rarely, and outside of school only a couple times. I’ve  known she’s liked me the whole time, and I really like her too. The problem is, the whole time I have been telling myself I’m not good enough for her. The truth is I’m not at all. It’s made it very hard for me to try and progress anything because I feel embarrassed for her. I feel embarrassed that she would be seen with me. It’s also made me extremely jealous, and every time I see her happy with other people, especially guys, it kills me. I know that’s so unhealthy, but I just can’t help it. I’m jealous of all the time these people are spending with her and how little I do. I’m jealous of the way other people make her so much happier than I could ever.

All of these internal issues have caused me to really fuck it all up. I never feel confident around her, don’t want her to know about my struggles, and am just such a pussy when it comes the smallest things like showing affection. We went to prom together, but nothing ever progressed from it. It’s all my fault cause I’m just so bad at expressing emotion to others that it’s been impossible to tell her how I feel. Now I can finally see, after months of her giving me too many opportunities, that her feelings are starting to fade. It’s killing me because I can sit for hours and not see a single scenario in my future where I am happy, except one with her. I’ve tried to get over her so many times, because I understand that the pain I have and am going to experience due to her is just gonna screw me further than I already am.

I feel so bad for her. She is such a pretty, kind, social girl that deserved to be happy with someone else all year. Instead, I wasted her time. The most painful part is that at the end of the day, even though I have so much emotion attached to her, all I can say is we talked on Snapchat. 

So pretty much, I royally fucked up a golden opportunity to have some real happiness. I can see it deteriorating my state further, but I just can’t do anything about it.

Thanks to anyone that read my rant. It helped me to write it and it was all from the heart so it probably doesn’t make much sense. I’m just so lost and confused, that I forget what’s even going wrong sometimes, or why it happened. I just need a break from reality, but the only one that seems possible is the void.