I went to bed last night upset over the growing distance between me and a guy I've been talking to/getting close to. I had very odd dreams. When things were fine between J and I, my dreams were short, my sleep was good. I was actually amazed at how well I slept. Now that things are rocky, I'm back to the long, vivid, strange dreams I had before he came around. 

After I woke up I tried to interpret the dreams. I was feeling so empty. So I made coffee and tried to play music. Usually music helps me feel better, or helps me get my negative emotions out so that I can refill myself with positivity, or at least neutrality. Nope. I went between playing ukulele and keyboard, occasionally checking Reddit, occasionally going downstairs to get more coffee.

This went on for about 6 hours. I just couldn't shake the sad emptiness. I didn't want to talk to J because I was afraid I would make the situation worse by sharing my sadness. Eventually he messaged me, and we chatted for about 5 minutes of pleasantries. He didn't ask how I was, but I eventually told him that I'd been trying for hours to get rid of this feeling. See, I made up my mind yesterday to quit drinking. Drinking is not good for me, and it's not good for my relationships. I won't be able to be healthy until I quit being unhealthy. I think maybe that has something to do with my mood?

Anyway, I got offline. Got dressed and put on makeup. Went to get my favorite food. Stood in line for 25 minutes. Ate. Took my ukulele to the park. All the time with this sadness weighing in my chest. Sitting in the sunlight and playing did nothing for me. It's so beautiful outside, warm and inviting. Birds are chirping and everything is getting green, and I am empty.

I don't know what else to do. I keep crying at random intervals. I don't know where to go or how to get this feeling to go away. I have no weed, I'm not drinking, and I really don't even know who I can talk to. I'm afraid to tell people about my sadness. What can they do? I'll just get told that I'm being depressing, as I've been told so many times in the past. I just want this sadness to stop.