I've been dealing with mental health crap a long time now (I'm 34). I was hospitalized last year for a week and that was the first time 'borderline' came up as a diagnosis. At first it didn't seem to fit but over time it seems fairly accurate. I'm working as hard as I can on handling this and getting myself under control- therapy once a week, support groups a few times a month, DBT mostly through a workbook. I have seen vast improvements- I feel much much more aware- I'm at a place now where I can name my triggers, I can see myself slipping as it's happening when I start losing control. 

I am still having a lot of trouble with what to \*DO\* when i start going into an episode. Over the last 2 weeks I've had 3 episodes. One was right before leaving for the airport and while I still cried and talked to myself a lot I managed to get in the car (not driving- as a passenger) and go to the airport and not miss my flight. I think in part having tasks to do once I got to the airport (along with maybe the movement of the car ride?) helped ground me. The next one was with extended family in a public place and I tried to sit with them and control myself but couldn't really and was just sitting there crying silently and feeling crazy and a lot of the family was young kids and I didn't want to freak them out so I said I'd just go sit outside until they were done. I did that but it was still a few hours until I felt 'okay' again. For those few hours I felt extremely dissassociative - like I am not 'real' and not really 'here' and the world feels extremely alien and basically like I'm in a fucking nightmare without end and I can't help but think about suicide just to get out of here.

 Last night I had another with my ex (who I co parent with and am on mostly good terms with). Right when I felt it all welling up in me I went inside and had this clear moment where I was talking to myself and basically saying "Okay! This is IT! This is the moment where you freak out and everything goes to shit! Do it different this time!" But that's the thing-- I don't know how the hell to do it different or what to DO with all this intense fucking emotion! I tried to breath and calm myself down but then a little impulse pops up that's like 'you need to go bang on his door and tell him this one thing' and then I feel almost out of body where I know I am acting crazy but feel unable to control myself. From there I ended up hoping in my car for a drive- realized pretty quick that was an awful idea - I could tell I was in no state to drive- so I pulled over and just sobbed in my car for I dunno an hour? I came back (I live with my ex- yeah I know this is not helping things but I'm saving to move out). I came back and thought I was 'done' but I kept having waves of pain and then this record going on and on about killing myself - to the point where I was a total mess and really confused and very suicidal feeling. I basically went to my ex and begged for help because I felt afraid of myself. He held me and I eventually calmed down and we were able to talk like rational humans. 

Today I am totally exhausted from last night, I basically wasted my whole night and spent 6 hours with my brain soaking in a cortisol bath. I'm posting all this because I would LOVE to hear from people either with the same struggles or who are now on the other side! How did you gain the ability to control yourself and handle your emotions? What do you DO when you feel yourself being triggered?