I’m 20 but I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. My first suicide attempt was at 15. I don’t really know how I’m alive, my latest one was a sleeping pill overdose and the paramedic said himself it’s a “miracle” I’m alive. I try to take it as a sign that I should be here, but that attempt was 2 years ago and I still think about suicide every day. I have treatment resistant depression and every med I try does nothing for me. I have no friends and I wish I had the energy to try and make and maintain them but I have no energy for anything at all. And I feel like my depression makes me such a dull and boring person anyway. I’m in a manipulative and toxic relationship and I know I should leave but he’s been the only person who at least cares about me some of the time. It’s better than nothing. None of the reasons I’m still alive are for myself. I don’t want to be alive, but I don’t want to break my mom’s heart. I know she would never forgive herself. But I’m so tired of living, I don’t think it’s possible for me to be happy. I want to just end it so badly. So I’m asking for someone to please give me a good reason to keep living. 

Sorry for the rant, I just don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff.