Even though I know that I feel disconnected a little more every day, I now feel that in fact, it will soon not be possible to connect to others at all. I am losing hope. 

&amp;#x200B;

I'm afraid to wake up one day in the hospital after a suicide attempt, there are times when the motivation doesn't allow me to do it, and others when it seems like my body is acting on its own. I want to go to the hospital but it won't do any good. They will tell me to go to a psychiatrist, but I don't trust anyone, I'm convinced that deep down I'm worthless and awful. I can't change this belief. When I was on medication, I didn't take it either. I want to continue to isolate myself but that's not a solution either. 

It hurts me to go to school and see people, I feel like an animal, a dog or a deer. Despite all this, I would have thought that I wouldn't feel the pressure to get better and that I would get used to it, but no. I'm skipping whole weeks of classes and I have a math test this afternoon and I don't know what it is about, I feel so many things now : anger, fear, sadness, stress, pain and shame.  I know that I was once like everyone else and I know what it feels like to study and be happy. 

&amp;#x200B;

I live alone. Even when I make an effort, people tell me I'm different, all day long that's what everyone tells me. I hate knowing that it's possible to heal and I can't. I don't know what I want. Basically, I want to get out of it but I am so ashamed of myself because I am young and I am told that this should be the easiest time in life, and here I am explaining that I don't want to live anymore.