Some background: I'm 19 and female. For the past year or so, I was treated for bipolar II. I understand BDP can be misdiagnosed as bipolar and other mood disorders. I have been in and out of therapies and have tried 10+ medications and am currently seeing my 3rd psychiatrist. I have never been in inpatient care, and I have never attempted suicide. I do have a history of self injury. 

I've been skeptical of my bipolar II diagnosis for a minute now, namely because I seem to experience solely depressive episodes, sometimes provoked by life stressors and sometimes they hit me like a hurricane for no clear or known trigger. These episodes consist of diminished interest in hobbies, sex, pretty much life. I'm numb to the outside world. The episodes can bring either a decreased need for sleep/food or the opposite, I'm sleeping way too much and eating like a 14 year old boy. Along with thoughts of self injury and suicidal fantasies, I don't feel as if many of my depressive episodes are unique; they're textbook definitions of what depression is. 

However, there is no clear cut pattern or anything that can predict the onset of an episode. They're incredibly erratic as far as timing goes. My symptoms seem to be more severe in winter time, and being in Alaska, the sun only shows for 5-6 hours, which can be enough to drive pretty much anyone off of routine. 

Every now and then, the depressive episodes are accompanied by anxiety. I'll be much more on edge, and more prone to anxiety attacks and becoming easily upset. Sometimes I'm so apathetic that I'm incapable of feeling anything at all, and other times I feel as if spilling a cup of water would be enough to send me into a crying frenzy. I wouldn't say a lot of things trigger my anxiety, but mean comments/tone of voice definitely aggravates it. 

I feel as if my thought patterns are "abnormal." I experience a lot of intrusive thoughts, about hurting myself or others, imagining horrific scenes in my head (rape, murder, torture, violence, death, disease). These happen at any time of day, they don't increase in frequency or gruesomeness at any particular time of day. I've made myself very upset thinking about these scenarios, a lot revolve around the death of my father/boyfriend, my mother insinuating violence against me or my siblings, and me getting assaulted sexually. These aren't my thoughts, these aren't things that I think about, they're like weeds in a garden, I didn't plant there but they're still there. I carefully consider what I want to say before I see someone, I'll imagine entire conversations about mundane, everyday occurrences and conjure up responses to what I believe the other person would say. When describing these to my psychiatrist today, he asked some follow up questions to see if I had any other symptoms akin to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, however I don't experience anything like that. 

I feel as if sometimes I'm fragments of a whole, and when I feel, I don't always feel collectively. I guess one way to put it is different parts of me feel differently about the same thing. Or that sometimes I feel with one part of myself, like an inner child or another version of myself. I feel like I can attend to and view each part of myself as an observer. I can sort of pinpoint why I feel the way I do. A lot of the time, I feel like my emotions are inappropriate. Like when my depression comes up without reason, I feel tremendous guilt and shame that I feel so terribly when there's no reason to do so. Or sometimes I feel incredible self pity for myself, and other times I get frustrated when people aren't paying enough attention to me. In a lot of situations I think what I'm feeling is inappropriate. Not to invalidate my own feelings, but it just makes me feel gross. 

I can and have experienced depersonalization/derealization. I've felt very disconnected from reality and my own mind. I feel like I'm not always in control of myself when this happens. It terrifies me because I'm not sure what's happening to me or how to say what I'm feeling. In general I'm a very existential person. 

I am an easily sociable person, I'm comfortable talking to people the majority of the time, thanks to years of customer service, as well as a general liking toward people. I like to think most people are good overall. I'm in a committed and emotionally secure relationship with my boyfriend of a year, and I live with my father who I adore and he takes very good care of me. I don't experience a fear of abandonment, and I wouldn't say that my mental illness puts a lot of strain on those relationships, because I've been able to cope and manage my symptoms, and my dad and boyfriend are both very supportive and nurturing. 

My relationship and the way I view my mother is complex and very contradictory. It's a whole can of worms, but long story (very) short, my mother is an alcoholic. I feel a slew of feelings toward her, anger, resentment, fear, pity, sympathy...I know that if anyone else has done what she's done and said what she's said, I would have cut them off immediately. But it's weird cause she's my mom and I do want to love her, it's just so hard. 

I don't engage in high risk behaviors, and I don't act on impulsive thoughts, nor do I have any. I smoke marijuana and have dabbled with psychedelics, but otherwise I don't drink often (1-2 times a month) and I abstain from all other drugs and I'm not promiscuous or am financially irresponsible. 

I know I'm the same person without the BPD label, it just made me feel really weird because it isn't something I would consider myself to have. 

If any other information might be able to shed some more light on this, please ask away. 