I'm not currently actively suicidal, but lately I've noticed an increase in passive suicidal and intrusive thoughts. For example, just this morning, I had to drive across a bridge that stood 125 feet up in the air. As I was driving, I looked to my right, and upon seeing how far down the river was, I thought "You know, I could simply pull over and park on the shoulder, walk back and jump off and just be done with it all". Sometimes the thoughts leave just as quickly as they come, and sometimes they linger for a while. 

I'm a recovering alcoholic / addict with almost 2 years clean, and after I returned to the truck terminal, I hopped in my personal truck and drove to a local vape shop to get a vape pen. While I was there, I noticed that they sold Delta 8 products and "legal lean", and as I am doing a 34 hour reset before I get back on the road, I thought "I could easily get fucked up tonight and nobody would know". However, I at least have enough sense to know that if I start getting high again that there's no way that I'll be able to stop on my own.

I know that I need help, and I'll be seeing my primary care doctor and hopefully my therapist as well tomorrow because I can't keep on going on having these thoughts.