TW: mentions of suicide

i hate my birthday so much. i didn’t use to hate it but ever since i turned 18, i started despising my birthday. my 18th was shit, my 19th was horrible, my 20th was okay, but my 21st???? i’ve been suicidal all day. i didn’t celebrate because i didn’t want to. i just wanted to stay home and do nothing because it’s better that way. you can’t be disappointed if you have no expectations, right? anyways that was my plan but a couple of things happened that sent me over the edge and i just don’t know how to cope with this. after my 19th birthday, i spent a month binge drinking everyday till i eventually found a therapist. i still go to the same therapist but i’ve been in a depressive episode since october that just kept getting worse and worse and i think i’m at rock bottom…..again. i hate birthdays and i hate how i feel after. i feel so unloved and unwanted. from the bottom of my heart, i wish i never existed in the first place. it would’ve been better that way.