When I was 18, I started a relationship with a guy. 3 months later, I was pregnant and married.

During that time, my husband forced me to stop talking to my best friend. He was jealous of the friendship I had with him. 
A year later, my baby died in her sleep. I wanted out so I left and lived in my car for 4 months. I attempted suicide. Failed. 

I emailed my best friend the next day and explained everything. The only guy that never hurt me. He was there for me. No bad feelings. Helped me get back on my feet.

After depressions, jobs I couldn't keep, and living with my parents ever since. I'm 30 years old. I still live with my parents. 

I've been having the same boyfriend for 2 years. He's supportive and loving. And, there's my best friend. 
5 years ago we were supposed to be roommates. 

I kept finding excuses not to go live with him after he signed a lease for us. He ended up upset, with a 2 bedroom to pay by himself. I got a job I like here and stayed with my parents. 

6 months ago I told my bestfriend I was ready. He's been helpful. He doesn't care where we live. He doesn't mind moving here if I can keep the only job I ever liked. 

He's been looking for apartments and been a very supportive person. Doing all the work I don't know how to do. 

And there's my boyfriend. He's in a band. He makes his living with it. He doesn't wanna move here. He wants to live in the bigger town 2 hours from here.

And there's me. I'm terrified of taking a big step like moving in a big city with no job waiting for me. Or a job I might not like and gonna split on every day and feel suicidal if I hate going to work. 
What happened to me at 18 frightened me and scared me. I like it here. I feel safe.

Last night my best friend told me he was looking for more apartment here and I told him to stop. He asked me to be honest with him about the way I felt about being roommates, if things had changed again for the twentieth times. I ignored him.

How do I stop being like this?
I'm hurting everyone.