Especially, for me, the parts where I am bitter at other people for succeeding where I have failed, and being happier or more functional than me.

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The thought of my FP being happier without me in their life, or happier with other person in my place, is just *unbearable* in every sense of the word. It makes me feel every emotion at once. It is so literally unbearable that I have trouble actually thinking about it. 

If I do, it cuts me to my very soul and makes it impossible to function. I had to literally walk out of work and go hide in the nearby woods, to sit down and . . . *MOURN* . . . in order to be able to get anything done. 

This is just thoughts. I can imagine actually seeing this shit on social media pushing me to a very dark and dangerous place. And that scares the fuck out of me. 