As the title states, it’s really hard for me to be in a new relationship. Almost all of the relationships I’ve been in have been extremely toxic. I have chronic depression and anxiety and my bad relationship experiences have only made it worsen. 

I (21F) was in love with (25F) a woman who cheated on me all of the time and essentially got a thrill out of telling me about her cheating because she knew I loved her so much that I wouldn’t leave. She mentally abused me all of the time and finally I had had enough and told her she needed to move out. This is really just a summary and there were some seriously dark moments in that relationship, but my other relationships since that one really haven’t been much better. 

Recently, I met a new girl. She was cool and we talked a lot though text at first and playing video games. I’ve expressed to her about my depression and anxiety and she’s struggled with some things too, but she’s been showing me some red flags and without reassurance (which she doesn’t give me) it makes my anxiety about a new relationship really spark up because I don’t want to go though what I’ve already been though even more times. 

It can be hard for me to “just talk about what’s bothering me” because I’ve had people absolutely not care and in my head I’m always telling myself that I’m just bothering them. 

Here’s the red flags so far. 

1) she tried to be friends with an ex. One day, she was telling me about how she was trying to stay friends with an ex who she claimed to not have feelings for anymore, but they still did for her. I guess her and that specific ex played some video games and after the ex told her that she didn’t want to be friends with her. The girl I’m talking to go upset by this and then got upset with me because I really wasn’t interested in hearing about how she wanted to be friends with her ex. (I tried to be as nice as I could about it, but I think it’s disrespectful to someone you’re talking to to still be friends with an ex). Plus why are you talking to me about it? I feel like this would CLEARLY upset someone you claim to be interested in. 

2) I went on vacation and we use to send really big paragraphs to each other and now our conversations are becoming less and less. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to myself. When I tell her this, she tells me she’s interested and that she just hasn’t really had much to talk about . (She’s a super quiet person). 

3) I understand being busy, but I like to be communicated to about it and she doesn’t do that. I always make sure to tell her why I can’t talk, what I’m doing, who I’m with, etc. and she just makes vague remarks. I got upset because she caused me a lot of anxiety when she texted me that she was roleplaying a character she makes nsfw drawing for with a friend. She apologized, but it was so half-assed. If she would have said what she was doing with the role play/who she was doing it with, I would have been fine. Instead she just said that to me and then didn’t even text me back that night. 

I’m just so done with everything. I get so happy to start something new and then I just feel like I get torn down almost right away. I just want someone to care about me. Idk. Sorry for the rant. My anxiety just has been making my heart race all day because she left me on read. Sometimes I wonder why I even try anymore.