I'm not sure what has compelled me to write this, whether its the fact I don't journal as much or maybe this is eating me and I just want to say things I feel like I can't say to another face. I've been depressed most of my life almost to a point where I can't remember upbeat moment from myself they are either lost or forgotten because the contrast to my normal is so stark. and when I say these things its less a cry for help and more of a fact of life for me. much like all people I just adapted to the feelings. To move on to more what I want to say, I started seeing a Therapist when I was around 13 she was a lovely woman named  Dr.Bev she had endless kindness in her heart and only got upset for me. She was a bit of a nut case but there was a lot to learn from her. after some therapy I soon moved to medications; now in my life I have taken most of them around 11-12, I got a diagnosis for dysthymic disorder and adhd continued with therapy and psychiatry for a few more year till I just dropped it and that kinda became a reoccurring theme in my life. Despite all of this I always had low energy in school and would always sleep in class, if I wasn't sleeping I would put my head down and listen. I didn't do work out side of school. my home life wasn't horrible but it was an experience; to go a little further into that my parents were not made to be together. My father is a hard man, the type to pull up by the boot straps and move on with purpose. My mom was a functional alcoholic she would binge drink and fight with my dad every couple of days, as I grew older and more secluded in my own world of games my mom would only really attempt to speak with me when she was drunk. My dad wanted to leave for a long time but he stayed with us till we were older so we would be old enough to have our opinions considered by a judge if it came down to custody. I have 2 siblings and we all had our own way of coping my sis and bro often went to partying and weed. and I had my headset music and video games. I was in this stasis till my mothers behavior broke the camels back and I ended up sleeping on a air mattress on the floor of my fathers apartment; to put in perspective how unpleasant she could be.  


Life improved when I was away from that, going into highschool I wasn't popular but I wasn't bullied and I made many friends. this was a more neutral period of my life but towards senior year my gpa being a whopping 1.4 I decided I was just gonna do credit recovery and graduate. treated school like a day job and graduated a month after that. so some a long boring time up I got a certification in medical assisting soon after and started work full time. I saved for a car and soon my dad wanting to move in with his girlfriend I was forced to get a place of my own. in this about 1.5 year period I am simultaneously the happiest and the most depressed point of my life. about half way into a year of living alone my confidence has soared but I find myself unable to control my own thoughts any more. I suffered from extremely frequent violent suicidal ideations that came from something in my head. Like something was there watching and demeaning me trying to convince me to hurt myself. Having never dealt with things like these before I ended up in a mental hospital after recommendation from my doctor, you learn more from your fellow patients there than anything. everyone is raw and vulnerable and its a humbling experience. after I had brighter eyes but this every present being in my head soon just became another part of me. the thoughts that were once aggressive soon became coaxing a movie would play behind my eyes going over each and every step of suicide, I didn't want to do it. I never wanted to hurt myself but something in me would just change and I no longer felt like myself. in these moments of erratic and electric thinking anything could be justified even if it was delusional but I never did anything, I just moved on to the next video or podcast to quiet my mind. when I'm not like this I feel confident, composed, a young professional whos pride is in his work and his community. and later in the day I would feel like a poser; the fact I haven't hurt myself  yet would be used against me, the fact that I couldn't manifest my pain on my skin as proof that no-one could take me seriously. I know its delusional and for me its been going on for so long its just feel like another part of injustice in life we have to cope with having no control over. I've had a lot of people not like when I say its okay to be sad and its okay to be depressed, but as someone whos still trying and trying after years, its too much to say I can't be okay with my own existence. my depression is a disorder that needs to be fix I know, but its a driving experience who made me what I am today. I said earlier that I don't need help but it would be more accurate to say I haven't given up on finding it for myself. I hope my musings can give some insight into your own life and experiences.  


Take it easy - A Guy from Florida