So I'm 20 years old. My parents are gone. Ones dead the other disowned me. I was diagnosed with bpd just before my 18th birthday. I suffer intense fear of abandonment, drug addiction and previous chronic self harm. Dissociative episodes, intense emotions (sudden terror, anger, sadness etc). I have suicidal feelings daily. I've been told I have generalised anxiety disorder and possibly clinical depression. I was once diagnosed with something similar to ptsd due to my father's murder and my own sexual assault but I don't feel i fit the criteria anymore. 

I have a boyfriend. I live with my uncle. I have no job and I'm not at college or uni. I'm on benefits which i hate. I'm broke and I've wasted £600 in 2 weeks. £140 i lent to my boyfriend. £200 i spent on drugs and the rest was just shitty decisions and fast food. I stay at my boyfriends typically from friday-tuesday. He works monday, Wednesday and friday. 

We play fallout 4, watch shit on netflix and  make out. We haven't lost our virginity yet but we've done all kinds of other stuff. We've been together just over a month now so it's very new.

I've lost everything I've ever cared about. My parents. My sister who i love the most in this world moved to the other side of the country when I was 10 and she's always too busy to talk to me or answer my calls. I've put her through hell. I gave up drinking for her early on in April. 

My old doctors and therapists and teachers are obviously gone. I understand that i had to leave them and move on. Every single friend and my previous partners who all treated me badly (assault, leading me on, lying and manipulation etc etc) I'm no angel but i never did anything like that.

It's only a matter of time before current bf leaves me. I try and push it to the back of my mind so it doesn't become a self fulfilling prophecy but it's there at the back of my mind. I'm convinced his family don't like me. His father and sister are nice to me (he lives with them) and I'm forever asking if I'm overstaying my welcome. I bring my own food and try and stay out of their way and am usually nice and polite around them. They give no indication of disliking me and my bf assures me they like me. It's my own paranoia.

I'm desperate to be loved. I make my bf spoon me. I make him stroke my arm like my mum did when I was a child before she disowned me. I ache for that comfort and love from my parents and i get teary eyed seeing him hug his mum. She'll hug me and it means a lot even if i know it's just out of politeness. 

He can't really understand what it's like to lose your parents at a young age. It's devastating and overwhelming and it breaks a part of you.

Sometimes even when I'm with my boyfriend i feel suicidal. I still get high in his presence. When I'm away from him I'm incredibly depressed and suicidal. When i see him it's amazing. But i still hurt. I know he can't take away the pain. I don't expect having a boyfriend will solve things. I don't expect fast food and drugs too either.

I feel lost. No direction. No future. And knowing I'm gonna lose him like I've lost everything else.