So when I was diagnosed with BPD a couple years ago the concept of a FP was introduced to me. Once I understood it I realized I'd had a lot over the course of my life and losing them almost always triggered breakdowns, so I decided to fight my nature and not let that sort of relationship develop again. 

Well fast forward to last August: I realize my family and my environment were toxic and making my mental illness worse, so I left and moved to a new state where I didn't know anyone with minimal savings and no plan. I ended up working/living at a hostel where I met this girl who also worked there, lets call her Amy. We became really close friends really fast, and she accidentally became my FP. It was an amazing, healthy friendship, being away from the bad environment I was used to and knowing which BPD symptoms to look out for really helped me develop something that felt genuinely good. Not only that, she was my entire support system here. Beyond the constant validation I'm always looking for, she offered me a ridiculous amount of support and I tried to offer her the same. We both moved out of the hostel and got real jobs but we stayed super close.  Eventually though I developed feelings for her, and that's where I fucked up. I got jealous of her spending time with other people and eventually decided to reveal my feelings to her. I'd mentally prepared myself for rejection already; she's a gorgeous, ambitious, confident woman so she's way out of my league, but she values honesty a lot and had always been 100% honest with me so I wanted to do the same and figured our friendship would stay the same regardless. Big mistake.

Idk why, but after that Amy wanted nothing to do with me. She wasn't mean, she was super nice about it, just said she needed space. But we went from hanging out and talking every day to her not even wanting to be in the same room with me, with no real explanation (I can only assume my feelings made her uncomfortable). I had told her about my anxiety and depression (not the BPD) and she'd promised I could always come to her, but now she won't even answer my texts. I've been trying not to let it bother me but I can't stop thinking about how I'd finally found something that felt good in my life and how one conversation made it all disappear. I barely had anyone to turn to back home, but without her I have literally no one here. I've been trying not to let it get to me, but I've fallen back into my old pattern of self destructive behavior I thought I'd left back home. This all happened over a month ago. I've been doing terribly this whole time but part of me held out hope she'd eventually reach out again so I've been trying (and failing) to be okay. Yesterday she left the city for good and went back to her hometown...she didn't even say goodbye. I was supposed to work today, but I just can't (not the first time this month either). I feel like I've fucked up the only positive thing in my life and there's nothing I can do to get it back, and it hurts so fucking much. Resisting all the negative urges I have rn but only because I haven't been able to do much of anything today other than have panic attacks...