I struggle a lot with trying to react "normally" to situations. This is a bit hard to explain conceptually, so I'll use an example.

Yesterday, I was at my friend's place. He's nice to spend time with, but there is one thing he does that I just cannot stand. I hate it when he repeats statements or asks very obvious questions. I have a lot of trouble controlling my anger, so it usually results in outbursts. Now, I would never lash out at my friends for something as small as this, because I know it's not justified. Instead, I direct the anger inwards.

The problem comes when I calm down. I can feel so guilty sometimes and blame myself for getting angry, even though I have never yelled at my friends. I start to gaslight myself, trying to connivance myself that everything was not as bad as it was, and that I shouldn't have gotten angry at all. What if I get abused in the future and I can't stand up for myself?

This self-destructive behavior really makes me doubt reality, because now I have no idea what "normal" behavior is. ..