TW: slight emeto, paranoia

&amp;#x200B;

I have grown increasingly paranoid about talking about my trauma. I was never good at talking about it, and only really told close friends and S/Os about something that happened a few years ago. A few months ago, I unrepressed a ton of stuff about the past few years and realized I have been suffering from a huge delusion that stemmed from the abuser. Everything sucks. All of my mundane triggers I thought I was rid of are back in full swing. Despite this, I thought I was making progress for a short while, since I remembered more stuff.

Someone close to me accidentally let their friends read a description of those events + what I have recently uncovered. Their reactions were not savory.

 I thought I was making progress but once I found out other people saw it (and the way they reacted) I stopped talking about my feelings on the topic to everyone, which was my main way of working things out. This post is taking a lot to write, I'll probably delete it later, honestly.

I feel like people are constantly watching what I type now. I can't even write down vague descriptions of what happened. I nearly deleted some writing earlier because it alluded to what happened. It's carrying over into other traumas, now, too, and I have no idea what to do. This morning I vented about events completely unrelated to a group of close friends and had a panic attack thinking one of them was going to invalidate it. I planned on talking to my therapist about what I remembered, but now the thought of it makes me sick and unable to breathe. It feels like no one could possibly believe me.