i hope someone relates to this. you know how people ask the whole, “if a tree falls and no one’s around to hear it, does it make a noise?” That’s how i feel and here’s why. 

From as early as I can’t remember, I just wanted someone to pay attention. My childhood was riddled with emotional outburst and problem starting, and once I realized that it was useless - that i’d never get a positive reaction out of my parents  - i started to change my methods.
 i had to be the funniest and the most caring. I needed the approval of everyone around me. I wanted everyone to like me and to feel like if no one saw them, i did. 

I made lots of friends, I had lots of people, but no one saw me, really. When i went to college, I just wanted to do good and maybe then my parents would notice me. I was exhausted and drained and tired but i just wanted someone to see me, still no one ever did. Maybe my ex did, but in the end I felt more invisible than i did before i met him. 

i just don’t get it. why am i always the person being told, 

“you’re so easy to talk to.” 

“i’ve never met anyone like you.” 

but no one has ever made me feel that way. i give everyone the care and love i want to receive, but i’ve never received it back. 


I’ve spent my entire life trying to be noticed, seen and loved, but no one has ever even tried to really understand me. I have been in therapy for years and i’m pretty self aware but I just need to get the off my chest.


anytime i’ve been at my lowest points, i’m alone. no one’s there to comfort me, reassure me, or understand me. hell, no one’s really there in my happiest moments either. everyone is only around when it’s convenient for them or when i push myself into the equation. I graduate college, my friends and family make it about them. i get a job i really wanted, my friends and family make it about them. it’s always been me patting myself on the back. celebrating by myself. proud of myself. i’m so alone that i’m starting to wonder if i even exist. 


If no one really sees me, do I even exist?