TW;self harm, DV,infidelity, ED, substance abuse/ alcohol abuse, suicidal 

I need to speak out before my head explodes and I’m not quite sure if this is the right place to do so but I just need to let off this pressure to someone/ anybody that will listen

I have not been able to deal with my emotions very well since I was around 10 years old from PTSD and it all went downhill from there, being diagnosed with BPD nearly 2 years ago helped me realise that I’m not just ‘wired up wrong’.
I always seem to make the wrong decisions even when I feel in my gut that I’m making the right one for a change and I really thought this time round I smashed this coping mechanism thing, only to be hit with reality once more. I have a son who I love to the moon and back (7Y/O)and I have been in a relationship with his dad for over 10 years now but we did separate for a year in 2019 and try and move on with our lives but both failed in that situation and started fresh. It wasn’t always plain sailing within our relationship and I was the victim of DV and infidelity from him on many occasions and eventually I had enough and decided I needed to leave and so far it appears that is where it created a shit storm. In fear of not being allowed to leave I made up that I had cheated ( big fucking mistake) on him and was leaving in hope that he would be mad enough to let me leave without the ‘I’ll change!’ Bullshit again from him and I had hit an all time low with coping via drugs and alcohol as well as self harm including starving myself just to try and gain a little control of myself so that I could bare being around him and feeling normal. I left and while my son was at a relatives house I went back to collect some essentials and try discuss what to do regarding our son and after being berated and threats of my MH making him feel he had a right to take our son and disappear off the face of the earth as I didn’t deserve him I had a manic episode and OD’d. We had social services involved as well as courts. It got ugly.
Fast forward to now.. we’re a year in from getting back together after both received help separately and we’re solid relationship wise but his family and friends have other ideas. To them I am Satan who hurt his pride for making him go through the split and admit what he really was back then and I am sick of it. I’m sick of being called a piece of shit and toxic for getting me and my son into a safe place and making his dad get help for his issues. If he’s with family and friends I’m never allowed to be mentioned, let alone included. My partner is listed as single on social media just because it pisses them off to see any evidence of me being back in his life. My son will one day pick up on this tension and ask why I’m never included and I have no idea what to say. During our split I picked him back up off the ground and kept him strong for our sons sake, I paid for his food and bills despite not having a pot to piss in myself, I spent hours on the phone with him when he needed someone to talk to but they don’t want to hear it. His friends rarely speak to him now as well as half of his family because of me. If they come to pick up my son they openly blank me and insist they never want to see or even hear me again and it’s my son and partner who are going to suffer for this. 

Walking away from an abusive relationship until it was no longer abusive was the worst mistake of my life and I’ll forever be the blame for all of this.