i feel like there’s a huge billboard/ lcd display which hangs over me wherever i go and it only lights up when i talk to people. it tells them in detail exactly how to gain my trust then utterly destroy me in the same way each time. everyone always says or does something to betray my trust and love and im not even exaggerating cuz i always put my own needs last and everyone above me but it all ends the same. i struggle more and more with keeping interpersonal relationships cuz i don’t know what people expect from me, maybe that spawns from me not knowing who i should be for them.. i have a lot of “friends“ but no one really knows what’s up with me i’m always there for them but no one checks on me,
i’m a billion different people for everyone but who AM I to ME.. who am i man :/ i don’t wanna keep doing dumb things for specks of validation i feel so ill-fortuned with life in all honesty cuz why was i born to be like this, how am i supposed to live , if i were god i wouldn’t subject my own creation to such a mental disparity like Bpd . 
 
If i were god i would never subject my own creation to such a disgusting mental anguish. since a young age i’ve been very very intuitive and typically i can see into how my future will play out but i really don’t see a future for me beyond this point , i’m 18 and i graduate in 2 weeks and i only see death and it’s the very fact that the general attitude towards suicide is “oh u shouldn’t u should live” so basically prolonging my own suffering to satisfy your indulgent guilt complex?. i absolutely hate life cuz i know i’m not gonna be able to experience everything in full. i’m not suicidal i can be happy all day but i’m someone else by nightfall when i’m finally alone. i often thought about suicide at random for no reason line “why not” i’m growing more and more emotionally numb &amp; unavailable and i’m so disconnected from reality/society in regards to relationships partially because of my parents .  

I absolutely crave love but ik i won’t find it cause i don’t understand people anymore, last person i put myself into was a narcissist who used me and chose someone else and it left me wanting to die because it happened in the worst way imaginable. it felt like stomach turned inside out and it made me almost vomit and i didn’t sleep that night so i don’t really believe in love anymore. i don’t think i can love cause i get anxiety attacks when they’re not texting back and then i’m back to normal like nothing happened. at one point i couldn’t even cry and still can’t, i can only cry when i’m splitting :/