Is it a "BPD thing" to be tempted to hurt myself so I'm actually taken seriously? I want my doctor to take me seriously, but I also fantasise about hurting myself and getting ill so I can 'get back' at them. Get revenge on them for making me feel so invalid. If it is a "BPD thing", for a lack of a better term, is it only valid IF I act on it? Though I suppose that by maintaining my underweight body, while also actively avoiding doctors, I am allowing myself to get more ill. So I suppose it doesn't have to be overdose or cutting. I suppose I am already acting self-destructively? Not wanting to recover from anorexia is complex and multifaceted, but part of me absolutely wants to get worse *just* so I can refuse to let anyone help me, because THEY refused to help me with a number of problems,or even take me seriously, when I asked for it, and I'm still angry about it. Years later. Bitterness consumes me. 

I hope this post doesn't break any rules. I just need to know if anyone relates. I don't know why I'm like this and, of course, I don't feel able to consult a doctor to ask because they're all cunts and I hate them all lmao.