Hi all,

I hope this is the proper sub.

I had a few movements in my life, and now i just keep asking myself "if i die today, who would cry for me and how would they remember me?", and this question has a terriying answer..

My mother has mental problems, depression, and she's narcisistic. She made suffer all the people that surround her, including me. My father died. Due to my mother's bad behavior, the rest of my family (both my mother's and father's side) got NC with me and her, basically explaning me that they know about my situation and that they would build again a relationship with me, but they do not want to confront my mother, nor live with the fear that she would make them suffer again.

Other than that, i never had real friends, because i'm basically afraid of doing anything because if i leave my mother alone at home the risk would be that she may hurt herself (not voluntarily, but she's very clumsy), nor i can invite anyone at my house because it's a mess. My room is clean as so is every room that i personally use, but the garden, the kitchen, and everything that is mainly used by her is a real mess. I just broke a relationship of three years, well, my ex did it, because we clearly had two different points of view about love and, in the end, she decided to leave me just to follow her interests..

And so, the answer to the question "if i die today, who would cry" would be.. that certanly my mother would, but she is the one that makes me suffer the most, even if she's not doing that on purpose because she loves me. My brother would certainly cry.. but the others? those really important to me decided to leave. I loved my family, because with them i felt like a normal boy living a normal life, but they decided to go no contact with me.. so they know me so little, who would cry for someone who is son of the woman that made you suffer so much? and my ex, would she cry for me? i was ready to give my life for her, but she decided to end the relationship because she preferred to follow her passion (which, in my opinion, is really not so important, i mean, she started working and in the meanwhile she started writing manga reviews for a little online page, and she decided to end our relationship claiming that she needed more space, but in reality she's just spending her free time from work reading mangas and writing reviews, nothing else) rather than staying with me. I thought i was important to her as much as she's to me, but i just wasnt.

I'm objectively important to nobody. Because those i love don't care about me, and those who love me are hurting me. I would like to have a real family, a normal work, live a life where i get home and someone who loves me, and i love, is waiting for me. That would be a dream. Instead, i feel like i have no future, i'm 24 and the more time passes the less chances i have to fulfill this really normal dream.

I just want to cry.

Thanks for reading.