When I was in my teens after extensive therapy – I'm male by the way – I was suspected and partially diagnosed with BPD. Due to a number of circumstances I ended my therapy, and it's been a number of years since. I started seeing another therapist recently for issues attributed to ADHD (this I was diagnosed for rather earlier). During our last session I started to realize that his questions had totally deviated from what I had originally been seeking help for. I'm now starting to realize that I probably due suffer from BPD, and exactly what this has been doing to my relationships. I'm not sure how I characterized myself before. I knew my relationships had huge up's and down's before ending very, very quickly.

My dilemma is that I've stayed pretty close with an ex who I've suspected of having BPD for quite a while. She's always identified as being depressed, and this is what she was diagnosed for. During this time I actually thought that I just had some personal issues, and I knew she had her own. But I was convinced any psychiatric evaluation I may have had in the past was total bullshit. We never came to the exact conclusion in therapy, and I wrote everything off. I was manipulative enough to get them to believe anything I said. I was angry, depressed, and wanted drugs. Where this factors in is that every issue that occurred during the relationship I attributed to something else. It was delusional, and me and my ex are both probably to blame.

She broke up with me for unstated reasons. We both knew that it would have to happen soon due to our living situations, but I totally lost my shit regardless, and brought up probably imaginary issues in the relationship. She doesn't acknowledge some of these to this day, and seemed rather emotionless towards the end, and after the end of the breakup. This is something I've done with other girls plenty, and really unintentionally.

Despite a semi-nasty break-up, we resume talking some months later at a growing, more frequent pace. She's my friend; I really care about her. I think I know exactly where we're at, and despite us not really hanging out, I talk to her every now and again on certain dates,or if something comes up that reminds me about her. Maybe she makes a post on facebook or some shit about something that I was really interested in. I think we had talked occasionally about the idea of hanging out, but it didn't happen. I remember her rejecting me, she thinks it either A) never happened, or B) her excuse was totally legit.

She broke up with me, I felt hurt. I called out problems she didn't, and yet I'm the only one visibly hurt. Etc., etc. I don't know what honesty is when we talk about anything serious.

Anyways, just recently after catching up for the first time in a couple months and it actually leads to us meeting at a bar to catch up. It's been two years at this point. Things are awesome. I'm okay as friends. We push a little further, but I wake up the next morning feeling alright if that's that. I honestly never expected we'd see each other in person again. She communicates frequently the next day, and the day after. It reaches a point where I feel that she's idealizing me, and that I don't want to go through the process again of her devaluing me (something I still think happened at the end of our relationship, may be imaginary, but I don't think so). I try and build just some slight distance, and get everything figured out. She mentions probably being over optimistic. But we talk it out, and everything seems fine after I mention some concerns. We communicate a lot that week. She wants to see me, and I want to see her. I'm hesitant to trust her, but we're willing to try and set something up again.

Things start to feel wrong after this point. She messages me saying she can't meet up because "X" reasons. Everything seems valid to me, I want us both to have space, and I had been worried about either of us hurting each other. A little more time goes on. We plan to meet up soon, but she tells me there's a financial concern to us meeting up. I say don't worry about it, I'll figure out something to do. Communication gets more and more spaced. I start to worry, but convince myself to let it slide. She's giving me the one thing that I originally had wanted, space so that I didn't feel she would have an immediate need to devalue or reject me. Maybe she's totally okay? I'm probably being annoying by keeping up communications.

It's been just a few days. I ask if we still have plans for the weekend (I'm freaked she'll bail again, I just want to know if she wants to call it off for other plans. I can deal with that). I ask to see if she has any plans at all for the weekend. She says she doesn't know. I asked once, but I think any more would be pestering. And it's then it's the weekend. I message her to get together, but she says she didn't know I was coming back and had made plans to go to the bars. I feel betrayed, send a text saying it's not a problem, and we go right back to where we were – but feeling 10x fucking worse. 

I hated her. I really fucking hated her. Anger consumed me. I planned on sending an email that would probably force us both to cut ties for quite a while. But before I send it I realized that I'm probably the only one that would ever react to this situation this way. It was a small lie. I've been over her. I'm still over her. We're friends. Sure, and we're really close from my perspective. It's a lie that might hurt some people, but not to the extent I was freaking out over. I couldn't tell how much I had idealized. How much I was trying to throw away. Just how much I had put her through. It's weird. I don't know what to do. Nothing really takes any of it back.

I still think she probably has BPD. Maybe she's been diagnosed and just hasn't told me. She could be in the middle of working on it right now. Does she realize that I'm having issues with this? It just seems like there's no real way for me to know. I want to apologize but don't know what exactly for, or how to do it. I hadn't preceded with anything yet. I don't even know if she thinks there's anything wrong at all since we last spoke.

Congratulations if you read all of this. You're a trooper. Obviously the account is a throwaway. The information gets really specific, but I'd be surprised if she were on here, or if there was anyone she told that would be here and identify me some how. I'm starting to feel semi-happy but also totally insane realizing just how much shit I'm fabricating in my head.

*TL;DR* I want to see an ex who I feel really close with, and who leads me to believe we're really close. I can't tell how normal her behavior is, and how irrational I'm being. I don't even know if I'm comfortable asking her to do anything anymore for fear of rejection. I know that I have BPD, and I think I have some good reason to think she might have BPD. Is it insane to think that she might have some of the same fears? Or are drawing similar behaviors out of each other?

Has anyone with BPD ever been in a relationship with friendship with BPD? Similar experiences where you realize just how much is all in your head? Seeing red or intense anger? Seemingly rationale, meaningful ways of cutting ties where you realize what a shitstain you're really being? Just could use some advice or similar experiences if anyone has them.