So, going through a breakup again, not new for me. but i really loved this one. i think more than i have ever loved anything. and that’s saying something.

So, during the courtship i did my usual im bad stay away from me thing. describing my symptoms, past altercations, hospital stays, what medications i should be on, that i refuse to take. anything i can think of. because i know any sane person who hears any of this will get the hell out of dodge right? but i feel like the ones that stay around after hearing that might stay if i have bad days, when i’m showing symptoms which is constantly lately. they won’t. they just get more angry and sometimes abusive as time goes on, or maybe i just convince myself they are. 

anyway, what i am, the things i’ve done. never really learning how to regulate emotion. it didn’t bother my ex. well it did after he had to see it. and then he really did and he left me. and the thing is i don’t blame him. would i put up with it if i was on the receiving end? no. probably not, i suck. 

but yeah he’s gone. but it sparked a change in me. realizing this isn’t the person i always want to be. i want to have healthy, happy fulfilling relationships and i want to know how to pick people who will be able to offer me that without having to try to scare them away first to know if they’re safe or not. and also learning how to function in those relationships.

so, starting this morning i’m getting sober, i’m gonna start working out and not starving to maintain my body. i’m gonna start eating healthy, i’m gonna drink my water, i’m gonna take my vitamins and most importantly i’m gonna see a psychiatrist for the first time since my diagnosis almost 2 years ago so that i can get back on my medications. because i know i can’t do this on my own and i’m gonna keep hurting myself and others if i don’t. 

i’m not sure if this is even a breakthrough or if it’s how i’m coping with losing a huge part of my life. but i feel inspired and maybe i’ll at least get a big ass out of it who knows. wish me luck.