This is my first time posting on here and so I don’t know if this is what anxiety is so I am sorry if this isnt. 

Recently over the years I have become increasingly stressed out from school. I always would have some stress while I was doing Pre-IB in grade 9 and 10, it helped me move forward with my work and perform better; however, in grade 11 I decided to not partake in IB as I knew I would get anxious a lot. I am heading into grade 12 and its freaking me out.

My older sister was always someone that was amazing. She got good grades and has a good future right now as a full stack dev / tech team lead. My dream since I was younger was to become a programmer as well but its not as easy to get into a good university anymore. Compared to my sister’s time, the grade saturation for Comp Sci has increased a lot (she is 10 years older then I am). It’s made me worry a lot whether I will be able to do what I want in the future. I keep stressing about my grades and so many “What ifs” keep appearing in my mind. It’s increasingly worrying to me as I know it’s beginning to affect my ability to study for school. Things like “What if my grades are bad”, “What if I fail my family’s expecations”, “What if I can’t follow me dream”, and so on keep appearing in my mind often.

I’ve talked to my parents about my worry how I keep stressing over grades and they have supported me in it. My parents keep telling me that I don’t need to go to a good school, and that I need to focus on living happily. I agree with their point of view and I really want to be able to do that but I dont know why but my thinking doesnt change. I continue to worry and get anxious. The enviornment around me is supportive but the fact that the people around me (including friends) are all doing well, makes me more stressed out. “What if I am the only one that does bad out of my friends” and etc. I’ve had periods where I can’t control myself and just cry while doing something due to all the anxiety and stress buildup. It’s really getting to me and I hate this feeling so much

I’ve gotten to the point where sometimes I think that if I happened to get into some accident that it wouldnt be that bad if my life was cut short. I know this kind of thinking is bad and I havent actually spoken about this towards my family in order to not worry them. I’ve never thought about killing myself but I have thought about how I would be fine with events that led me to die.

I’m currently trying to do 10 minutes of mediation every morning but I can’t say its helping me.