i’m genuinely at a loss. i don’t have any will to go on anymore. it feels like my whole life has just been leading up to this breakdown. 

i’ve always thought i had bpd. even when i was younger, i was researching my symptoms because i was so lost and hurt and confused, and the only thing that resonated was bpd. my mom always shut it down and said i couldn’t possibly have it, which granted, i was young, but i was showing dangerous and obvious signs of developing it. so i continued to go untreated for my variety of mental illnesses accumulated from being abused/neglected my whole childhood. i wasn’t really raised, i just kind of grew up. both of my parents were severely mentally ill, and i never learned how to express or react to certain emotions. then my dad left. then my mom died. my mom was, now looking back with my official diagnosis, my favorite person. we had a mutual understanding that we were alive only for each other. i don’t know why she put that weight on her 15/16 year old, but when she passed i thought it was over.

then i met my now ex boyfriend. i met him a week after a really bad attempt. i fell for him hard. he was my fp. then after a year and a half we broke up, but not really. then after another two grueling years, he hates me, and left me entirely. but looking back, he was manipulative and not good. he hurt me a lot. physically, mentally, emotionally. once i got over the anger, though, i realized i still love him. and despite everything, if he loved me back, i would fall into his arms in a heartbeat. 

bpd makings living an actual hell. i can’t keep a consistent healthy positive thought. the way i lost my favorite people has been so devastating and horrible. the lack of emotional permanence makes me feel so fucking worthless. and romanticizing my ex is the most painful thing aside from losing my mom because the thought of him happy and in love with someone else makes me physically sick. 

so now i’m here. stuck and in pain and wishing for my abusers back. and i don’t want to live feeling like this. i don’t want to crave the love of people who literally cannot love me back. my mom is gone forever and i’m barely fucking 20 and my first love abandoned me, i can’t handle the stress of my bills on top of my mental health on top of my unemployment. i have years on top of years of trauma i’ve never even gotten the chance to unpack and it’s all hitting me at the worst moment. i feel like i’ve tried everything. i’ve been to the hospital 7 times in the span of 3 years. one year it was 4 times within 6 months. outpatient, psych meds, self medicating, nothing helps permanently. i still end up here. my bpd is making it impossible to live. it’s eating my brain away. i haven’t had a single moment of peace in my whole life. i don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.