I don’t know what symptoms belong in which category, and I don’t know which “symptoms “ are just me being a garbage person. 

I’ve been a civilian in 4 wars. So now I hoard water and canned food even though I’ve been out of war zones since 2008. I have nightmares where my SO wakes me up because all the violence has mushed together in my self conscious and I can’t stop screaming. That’s PTSD. Cool. Label. Got it. 

But...I also disassociate when PTSD triggers are too overwhelming. I disassociated during some of the unfortunate consequences of being a child and women in war. Is this a coping skill for PTSD, or is this BPD loaning me a way out of having to live with that part of my reality?

I have no sense of boundaries, very, very much in the caretaker sense. BPD. Cool. But for months I’ll push myself to be there for absolutely everyone all day every day, and then for at least another month I’ll “recover” by diving headfirst into feelings of self loathing, disconnecting from everyone I love because they don’t deserve to go down with me, and finding excuses to avoid social engagements that I believe no one wants me at anyway. So...bipolar because it’s cyclical? BPD because of the extremes my sense of boundaries become?

What even am I? And, more importantly, how do I figure out what treatment I need and how to afford it?