It was so embarrassing. I had no idea what I was going through. In my head, I kept justifying it as "normal." On the other hand, I was facing "socially-unacceptable" (depending on the values of people who saw, really) sexual urges that were hard to control and I feel shame and guilt for letting that out in a noticeable way on my fitness Instagram. 

At the time, I was writing lots of poems and posted a few. It helped me make sense of my long depression which occurred for several months. People commented that I was "raw." A fitness-oriented Instagram probably wasn't the best place to post these poems, but my head was foggy back then and failed to see better alternatives. When I was battling my first episode, however, my poems took a sexual turn and I remember one in particular that I posted when I was on the brink of a psychosis. I was days before having to go to a mental hospital. Through metaphor, it demonstrated how the sexual urge was more out of trauma, out of wanting to do "it" right and correctly so as to escape the trauma, and before then how it feels like absolute hysteria. Another poem that I posted I can admit was scary, how my anxiety compared to bullets in my chest.

I'm so ashamed. I'm scared it may have triggered a few people, and it certainly didn't help me that I publicized my sufferings under my name and face. But here is a far safer place, and I feel much better to talk about it here than anywhere else. I'm still going with my Instagram. My fitness dreams are bigger than my demons. I have recovered and I'm in awesome hands therapeutically. I feel like I should reference what happened in the future on my Instagram, but I'm not sure how. It is noticed by my friends that I seem to be doing a lot better.