I know it’s stupid. I know mine is a pathetic existence to live. But it doesn’t matter. I’ve tried everything I can think of, at least everything that was within my power to try, and things just get worse, I just get entrenched further into it all and now it feels like I’m just dangling by a fraying thread.

Long story short, I worked with this girl, we became relatively close friends, I developed other feelings for her that went beyond friendship and she didn’t share them. Between that and my shitty mental health and my poor management of it, the friendship fell apart. We don’t even talk anymore, mostly my fault. I ran u to her after over a year of not talking and I ignored her because I thought that was the best thing. So I don’t blame her for not trying again. But we run into each other at the gym at least once a week now. And it sucks. But it’s also the only thing keeping me going.

I moved away back in 2020, not by choice, but that hardly matters. I took it as a chance to try to build a new life. She was the first and still the only person who’s really been able to make me feel anything at all. I tried to make myself other friends in my “new life”, even tried to find another girl, lost my virginity, but it was awful. Still never had a relationship, furthest I get is the point of having sex, which makes me feel sick and suddenly whatever girl I was trying desperately to feel something for only makes me feel empty and the idea of being with her disgusts me. I can’t form connections. I can’t love. I don’t even know why she was different, sometimes I try to convince myself she was just like the rest, even to hate her, but she wasn’t, and I can’t. So I found myself moving back here after 2 years of trying to move on.

I tried to find hobbies, even just passing things I enjoy, but every experience I have is hollow. None of it makes me feel anything at all, which is somehow worse than if I hated it. I’ve been in therapy for over 3 years trying to “work through” it all, trying to recapture some small reason to exist, but the deeper I delve into all that, the further away I feel from my own life.

Now I’m in a position where I might be getting forced to move far away from her again. Part of me thinks it needs to happen. Part of me knows it’ll sever the last thread keeping me here. It’s not a fun existence, with the only thing keeping me going being a painful encounter where the girl I can’t get out of my head and I pretend like the other doesn’t even exist, but it’s my existence all the same, and without that pain and false hope, there will be nothing, I will simply unravel completely and cease to find the will to keep on going. 

I just don’t know what to do, I know this isn’t right, I know this is not how I’m supposed to be, I know it’s toxic and all of that. I know it all, but I’ve lived the alternative and there’s nothing there. Nothing. Nothing works. Nothing can fix me. Therapy is a joke. Medication does nothing. I cannot connect to people. I cannot love or feel loved. I cannot feel anything unless it’s the pain I use this girl to inflict on myself. I’m not even really a person.