My (32m) wife (29f) has BPD; this has not been officially diagnosed because she won’t go to therapy and has refused any professional help or even couples counselling. I know about BPD and have studied a lot on it even before meeting her.

It has been 3 years now. She is somewhat self aware of her intense anger, and has worked hard to control it herself. She has got so much better than before. However, everytime there are stressors like:

1. Too much family around (who can also be difficult at times)
2. Work stress
3. Larger general life stress like buying a house etc

She seems to revert back.

Now recently after covid our families had an event for our marriage. I arrived about 20 minutes late because of my parents taking way too long to get ready(completely out of my control). 

I didn’t think this impacted anything at all. In fact I was more worried about a presentation I had spent 8 hours working on, but was not working on my laptop.

So I arrive 20 mins late; there are a few guests and family. I say hi and quickly begin setting up my presentation to ensure it works.

Then my wife comes to me and is intensely angry for me being late 20 mins…this kept escalating, to the point where she began to humiliate me in front of all the guests and family publicly. So I quickly pulled her out and tried to calmly talk her down outside. I asked her if she is just stressed (which was likely the case), but she declined and began insulting me. So I told her if that’s the case, I can’t accept this abuse and humiliation, and walked out. 

She kept calling and insulting me more as if that would get me to come back. Eventually she realizes that it is making a scene and apologizes so I come inside. She feels bad at this point and keeps apologizing. I put on a happy face and continue.

After the event I talk to her and tell her how I felt. How I never imagined that my own wife could be such a loose canon and disrespect me publicly like that for absolutely no real reason. That I can’t trust her at all. I felt humiliated. She keeps crying non stop and apologizes. But to me she just humiliated me in public but is apologizing privately; it doesn’t work. 

But I let it go because I know she has really controlled her anger. I said that’s fine, but if you ever do this again, I will also respond publicly and I have no issues defending my self and my respect, even if that will end our relationship.

She understood.

Fast forward, she is again stressed about new jobs etc. but now she is manipulating the entire story of the event to make it seem like I was at fault. That I am also equally angry as her. That I also have issues. She is gaslighting me about meaningless incidents in the past and turning them into examples of when I wasn’t thinking straight and angry etc…

It is really scaring me because it seems like she can fully paint a picture and lie to make me seem equal to her abuse and anger.

She has taken every positive thing in my life and turned it into some dramatic situation. I don’t trust her anymore.

But I also do care about her.
She is an extremely caring person otherwise and very thoughtful. But turns into this monster.
I just want to get of the roller coaster.

I don’t know what to do to make it stop anymore other than leaving. I don’t want to hurt her either.

I’ve tried everything and as a very emotionally aware person, I just don’t have the patience anymore for her. I keep imagining my life without all this drama and abuse.

Anything else I should be trying?

I know she now feels like she is the reason I’m going through this and stressed and she also feels guilty.