I've been struggling with my mental health since I can remember, but things got complicated 5 years ago. Last month I ended my six years old relationship with the person I'm fixated with and it got really worse.

Couple weeks before my break up, a dear friend got divorced and she needes somewhere to stay and I offered her to stay in my apartment for a few months. We got along so well that we decided to live together for real.

The thing is, she has a wonderful puppy who loves cats. I have 3 cats, but one is super afraid of everything that moves and the other adult cat had never seen a dog in his life. We decided she would bring her dog home and we would see if things worked out (her dog was in her ex's house).

She didn't tell me when she arrived and just let the excited puppy enter the house and annoy the cats. 2 cats just got under my bed afraid, but one of them freaked out so, so hard. I've never seen him doing what he did.

I wanted to scream so much. I've never felt the urge to tear someone apart with terrible words before. And I almost did that. But I just got into my room and tried to calm my sweet boy. I didn't want to hurt my friend.

Couple hours later, I was trying to bond with the puppy. My friend was giving her sushi and I warned her that the dog coud be sick from it. My friend snapped and said that she was her dog and if things would be like that, she should leave.

I said ok, went to my room and cried. My cat was shaking with fear. My other cat was hiding, and the kitty was trying to understand what was happening.

Then she texted me saying her dog was sad to be locked in her room and she was leaving. And she left.

I'm writing this here because now I'm feeling almost every classic symptom of BPD: extremely sad because my friend just left me; absolutely hating my friend because she's not the perfect person I thought she was; I'm doing everything that I can to not hurt myself; I just want to give up controling my emotions and call her and say everything I did for her and still she left me.

I fucking hate this. I feel like shit and just want to scream.