This will be lengthy/wordy but mostly for me to throw my “story” into the abyss and to keep my mind busy.

My mom and dad had me before they were married, got married because of me divorced before I turned 2. Mom got real dark mentally abused me and had custody of me for 18 years. Also had full custody of me and abused the power over my father. Only saw my dad on a good month 8 times counting half days (after school till bedtime, shout out to all my little bastard brother and sisters lol). Was grounded not aloud a social life bla bla bla all that stuff my ma was just kinda a witch. Senior year of HS one of my only friends I really had like that close close brother group. Od’d on heroin and died; he was 17. The same week the only grandparent I was over close with and talked to often. Fell down the stairs and died. Both funerals same week. This was in the early early spring. Mid summer comes around ma kicks me out of the house because I was to much to handle. This didn’t bother me for the fact that part of me was relieved to finally leave, but hurt me so bad because I had been telling her for years how much I wanted to see my dad more and how the way she treated me wasn’t fair and hurt me and she was now going to tell me I was the problem. It stung hard, but my dad took me in with open arms and I still live with him now woohoo yay happy ending. 


I went into a dark dark place that winter, had one very serious SA that was only saved by messaging a GC full of friends and cousins instead of my dealer whilst black out drunk. Spiraled for about a year snd finally realized I’ll either die within the next 2 months or I’ll get better. I chose the latter, pulled myself out of a year long suicidal slope to the best version of myself I could get to. I have a job that I love I’m dam good at it, I have a good hobby a close group of friends I’m finally able to make my own choices and I’m making good ones like I always knew I could all on my own. 

But then when everything is going perfect, and im doing the things I love. Why the hell am I still depressed. Im eating right im taking care of myself im doing good at work with friends and I can’t help but feel nothing empty still depressed. My dad starts to plant the seed that I don’t spend time with the family and disappear to my room everyday to be on the computer or sleep. I apologize and do my best to spend more time with them with little consistency till we have the same conversation again and again and AGAIN. 

I am on the way home from work today and text my father I want to get back into therapy. He agrees and I set up an appointment for March 23rd (ahhhhh he said the title!!). I get home and he follows me downstairs to talk with me. His first words to leave his mouth, “so when exactly do you plan on moving out? Do you even have a plan, if you do are you actually on track and I want proof.”. I was put aback, because in my world this is a HUGE step IM GOING TO THERAPY, I want help I’m seeking the help. I want, to get better. I tell him my plan to be out of the house within the next 2 years explain it and show proof, as I said work is going very well for me I am good at what I do. The conversation then turns into me explaining to him that I believe I might have Bipolar Disorder. Explaining symptoms bla bla bla. He then starts explain how he’s not surprised and that my grandpa on his side has it as well as an aunt of mine and some people on my mother’s side and that it runs in the family. Mind you I have a history of ADHD, depression, and anxiety. Managed soupy by adderal. I was shocked to say the least because the only information I ever learned about BD was from my own research and after reading I could see I was a clear cut case easy all day. And he knew and agreed he thought that I was for awhile now and said nothing. I was shocked. The conversation then veered off into him demanding more from me, more time with family, more consistent cleaning of room (not dirty room just not perfect), less sleeping, just more more more. While I have just word for word explained to him that I am at the worst mental state of my entire life, and mind you I nearly killed my self 2 years ago. Don’t worry we are ok for now. And he is here explain to me how I am hurting his feelings and I need to do more and just because I may have BD does not give me the excuse to be lazy and not spend time with the family or listen to his orders. I tried my best to explain that I don’t want to sleep or be alone but evreything in my body forces me too, that I get no enjoyment of doing anything and he won’t believe me. This is the last person I have in my life. And he is looking me dead in the eyes and he won’t say it but I can see it, my father Dosent believe I’m going through this. To him, I don’t love him enough to care. This has broken me.

So now. My goal is to make it to March 23rd . Just need to make it 2 more weeks, so why does my chest feel so tight. 

~I’m doing better, I’m proud of myself, I hope you can see this one day too dad. I love you💙

‘Jacob 20
   4/10/22’