I’m in a LDR and I’ll admit that I have been pretty awful for the past year, I understand I have caused him a great deal of emotional damage. I hit rock bottom in March - suicidal thoughts, anger, anxiety, depression, guilt, etc. ALL OF IT. 

I moved back with my mom in March, who also suffers from many mental health issues... and it definitely did not contribute to my well-being. Before quarantine I was in therapy, but it was definitely not helping me at all. I decided to seek a more suitable DBT therapist for BPD and ever since I see small changes in my behavior after every session. 

I truly feel like I have overcome so many obstacles in my life for the past 3 months because of my commitment and because I WANT to get better for my own sake. I’m so proud of how much I have grown and continue to grow. I’m finally able to control my anxiety by simply breathing and grounding my thoughts. I’m finally able to control my emotional outbursts when I feel jealous that my partner is going out or just hanging out with friends (therefore not texting me or paying as much attention to me). There hasn’t been many fights between my boyfriend and I because I’m simply able to have a different perspective in most of our issues. 

We are supposed to end the LDR whenever the EU border opens for US citizens. We had everything planned and I thought we were on the same page. But it’s been 3 months of continuous improvement on my part, and today he tells me he’s not sure if he wants to continue with our plans... that he’s confused... he loves me, but doesn’t know if he wants me anymore. He has been pulling away from me for the past 3-4 months since we found out about my BPD, I keep noticing him getting more distant even though I’m trying harder than ever. He says he’s scared of how I’ll be once the LDR ends, he thinks my BPD will get worse even after seeing improvements since March. 

Why is he acting like this? Why is he having so many doubts about our relationship after being together and waiting for the end of the LDR to end for 2 years? I’m so confused by him. He doesn’t know what he wants! Am I and my BPD diagnosis scaring him away? 

I’m not sure if confronting him is the best thing to do- or if I should just give him space?