It's been a long time since I listened to my love songs playlist. I've always been a hopeless romantic but after 4 heartbreaks in three years I'd renamed my playlist Lies. I was afraid I'd think of the last person I thought I was in love with and it would be proof I love her as more than a friend and that would mean I couldn't have her in my life anymore. Even before that I wouldn't because I was afraid it would be proof I still loved my ex and I couldn't move on until I was over her. Instead all I could think about was how I can't ever have that kind of love like they talk about in love songs. If it even exists it's rare and something I'll most likely never find. But even if I could it's not for me. I lose me in that kind of love. It will always end badly. I'll always be lost. It was a success that I listened to them, that I got past the fear, but it's heartbreaking to realize I don't know what love is without loss and hurt and I don't know how I can ever change it. I tried the whole loving yourself first thing a couple of times and I was there. If you could only see the things I wrote in my journal or on my Reddit. But as soon as it came time to love someone else or let them love me I just lost it. It fell apart. I don't know why I write stuff here because I know no one can help me and I know most people will tell me what to do. I know most people don't know how to support or comfort without fixing. I guess it's just nice to fling my thoughts to the void and hope it answers with something that brings me some small measure of comfort.