I lost my soulmate today. It was completely my fault. I let my BPD symptoms take over my life then put the blame of unraveling on everything except myself. I put the need of being “attractive” to other men in front of a relationship I believed would lay until I’m 80. I let my spending hurt the man who put me before almost everything. I ask so much of this man just to break both of our hearts. I know I’m to blame... and I would like to go to sleep and not wake up tonight.. I dint wanna live anymore. I so depressed. My need for compliments and validation... my ways of disassociating the acts I perform from myself... my lies... 

I’m just lost and I wish I had gotten help sooner.. I just want my fiancé back... thanks for reading my shitty life. Any advice will probably be picked apart then appreciated.