I have spent years and years just bottling everything up and withholding my feelings and staying in control - tiptoeing around everyone's feelings - ive done the work. Im fucking tired. Just lost a partner FP whom I knew was manipulative and no good for me but I kept trying to fix it and be healthy and love him and hope he'd grow - I split, said the one thing I knew would hurt him most, and now im a crazy psycho and blocked and I blocked him on everything. Even here because I ran into him by fucking accident on here. How he knew it was me I have no fucking idea. He thinks I'm stalking him. I don't even care anymore. He's b l o c k e d. Now comes the erasing his existence in my universe in every way possible. Letters, trinkets, im looking for a new apartment, probably relocate my job.cant erase my daughter's memory of him, which really sucks. She loved him so much. He really didn't give a shit about her which is the worst part. 

Why do we do this? Why do we stay through the shittiest relationships until they're fucking dead? How do I stop loving someone who is no good for me? I still love him. I want to hate him. I want to hate him so this doesn't hurt. 

I'm not scared to be alone. I've been alone a long time. I feel safe there. Why does it hurt so much? I always feel so ashamed and sad and beg and beg for them to come back. I don't feel ashamed for it this time. I should. I feel ashamed that I let the situation make me loathe myself. But I'm so angry and so hurt and so bewildered that someone could be so blind to how much they have hurt someone, I couldnt take it anymore. It's like I didn't know how else to make him understand or hold him accountable. I hate that I felt like I had to go there. I hate that he couldn't just own his own mistakes and man the fuck up. I hate that I ever let another human make me a monster.

I cried so hard last night I thought I was going to die. My baby girl woke up. She overheard my conversation with the babysitter saying I feel like such a bad person and grabbed my face and said, "no mama you're a good guy!" Cue even more tears. How do little kids do that? 

 I wanted to get high. I wanted to get drunk. I wanted to drive my car off a bridge. I wanted to scream and destroy everything in my home and burn everything to the ground. I just sat out in the cold rain for yep hours and sobbed alone, like I have always done. 

It's my own fault for not leaving the first time I got that feeling in my gut, that horrid pit and feeling of doom when we first met. It's my fault for deluding myself that he actually loved me. It's my fault for ignoring red flags and letting my boundaries be crossed until it built resentment. 

This relationship brought out a side of me I never thought would come out again. Desperation. Fear. Vengeance. Rage. I worked so hard to heal from that place. That girl was for survival. That girl protected me from harm. I want to live. 

And yet I still sit here, missing him. Wishing I could rewind time.

I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to destroy everything. I want to bury my misery and leave and never come back. 

But I have to, because I'm a mom. And I need to teach her everything I never had. I can't abandon her like everyone has abandoned me. 

I wish magic was real. I wish wishes came true. And I wish hope wasn't a cruel joke on people like me.

Thanks to anyone listening. I don't want to SH or unalive, just needed to get this out.