I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I am like this. It almost feels like I don’t want me to make it, I swear no one can make this many bad decisions accidentally.

I am in fucking medical school and sexting with pornstars and living off frozen pizza and halo top. That’s right, after having a fight with my bf I was feeling really lonely and horny and admittedly wanted to indulge my self-esteeem by having a male jizz over me so I snapchatted this guy who makes these porn videos that cater to my niche kink. After I made up with my bf, I couldn’t not tell me about it so I did and as a result he’s been ghosting for three days now. 

I have been crying pretty much interruptly since we last spoke, I love him so much and so deeply. But the irony is I am only this selfish towards him and some of my older/closer friends, ever since I got to uni I have been desperately trying to please an array of cunts, one of them is this sort of indie e-thot wanna-be SJW open-minded-but-high-key-Regina-George-vibes type and she treats me like actual shit and forces me to stay in my room whenever she invites her stupid friends/multiple bfs over due to my reputation being quite bad given my one (1) drunk vomitting accident during freshers week that will probably haunt me for the next 5 years. And I comply with it and even apologise, just like that.

Back to my bf, I’ve neglected him before to go to parties where everyone actually hated me (for context we’ve been doing LDR ever since I moved out to uni). Again why, just why? Why the fuck am I like this?