This is something I’ve never talked about to anyone because I just feel so worthless on the topic. My boyfriend and I dated for about a year and a half and then he dumped me and now we’re back together. 

Before him, I could never be intimate with anyone. I had a really bad experience once with a guy who I had to say no to 100 times to eventually just give in. After that, I was terrified and closed of. I remember the day after my birthday a couple weeks before we started dating, I asked him why we weren’t dating yet. He told me he wasn’t 100% about me because he cares a lot about sex and “I wasn’t like that”. We had sex multiple times before this, mind you, but it did take me a few weeks to be okay with it. I have never stopped thinking about that night. It broke me. 

So, I did what I had to do. I said yes out of guilt more often than not. There were times where I enjoyed it and initiated it, don’t get me wrong, but I said yes more than I was willing to. I was afraid he would leave if I didn’t; in fact, I knew he would. 

Now that we’re back together I’ve just started saying no more often and sticking to it. One night he was really drunk and I said no and he got mad at me, and he said “why don’t you ever think about what I want” 

It’s not like we never have sex. We do often, just not every day or the second I fucking wake up like he wants. I cried that whole night, but just shrugged it off because he was drunk. He’s started getting more and more frustrated with it. He told me a couple of weeks ago that it upsets him and whatnot, and no matter how much I tell him my reasoning (my sex drive isn’t as high, sometimes I don’t feel well or im tired, it usually just ends up hurting me, etc) and he just doesn’t get it and makes me feel so guilty.  He’s never “not” wanted it and has never said no, and the other night I tried to initiate it, even though I didn’t want it that much, I was trying to keep him happy. He said no and I was caught off guard, and he said “how do you think I feel”. That one hurt!! He’ll make comments about him masturbating and saying “I have to because you won’t.” Comments that lead into “I know we probably won’t have sex tonight”. It makes me feel so worthless and like I have nothing to offer. And again, it’s not like we don’t have sex. Maybe every 2 nights? 

Am i in the wrong? I feel so guilty and every night I start panicking at the thought of the conversation. I really hate myself for it. I know it will be the reason he leaves me again.