I'm just so, so upset at myself for what happened tonight. A few days ago, a coworker at my new job asked me to meet up with the rest of them for drinks. I was so excited to go, because it felt like in the month I've been working here, I was really getting along with them! Even though I have horrible anxiety around social events, I had really, really high hopes for this one. 

So when I got to the bar at the time specified...no one was there. I waited, and waited, and then went to wait in my car consumed with *total* anxiety that maybe they'd cancelled, or decided to go somewhere without me. As I was about to leave, a full hour after the meeting time, people started showing up. The night went downhill from there. I felt like I was so awkward, wandering from group to group of my coworkers who knew each other more than me. Every time I joined a conversation, it just kind of slowly went on without me; I always ended up standing behind a circle of people with their backs to me. The group was *huge, t*he lights were so bright and music was so loud that I felt completely overwhelmed. I ended up slipping out after barely an hour without telling anyone, but people definitely saw me wandering aimlessly around, standing alone, and hugging the wall like a weirdo. I doubt I'm going to be invited next time everyone goes out. 

I just feel so hopeless. I really thought tonight was going to be different, and I ruined it for myself. Now I'm consumed with anxiety about how I'm going to explain my behavior to my coworkers when I see them again. It was just a normal get-together. Why can't I stop being anxious for even one night?