I have a looooong history of sexual abuse growing up. Every year at least  2 attackers. As early as I can remember is 6 and it stopped at 13. 

The last time it happened while I was sleeping next to my dad. Not by him, one of the kids he was babysitting got into the bed with us. It was during the last few years with my father before he passed. 

After he passed and I moved in with my mom, I remember waking up in the night and my brother being on top of me, rolling off of me when I woke up and looking me directly in my eyes. I remember trying to sleep again and taking one too many on purpose and lying about it (not enough to od but I had the intention) but I did go back to bed like nothing happened

After recently reading about someone having a false memory, I noticed that we shared the poor family life, sexual abuse, and suddenly waking up happening.

I always would scream at him that I hate him and threaten him and put my hands on him all of the time growing up in random outbursts and seclude myself from him. 

However, I also remember another family member (who was sexually abused by some of same people as I was)telling me that my brother didn’t directly touch her, but he did something sexually inappropriate 
And another instance where he came home drunk and I was topless and he asked me for a hug 

A lot of the time I wonder if I was sexually abused and I’m constantly in denial about it because he’s the only person that’s really been there for me when other people were sexually/physically/verbally abusing me and other times if it were really a false memory and I’ve been beating on him and I already know he’s been through a lot. 

