I’m sorry I just need to rant. I’ve been so lonely and depressed for most of my life and I don’t do anything about it and never have. The only thing I know how to do is isolate myself and it’s what I’m best at.  Ive lately started to realise how much time has been going by and I have done NOTHING. 
The pandemic made no difference to my life, I was the same before and I’m the same after. I’m 19 soon and I’ve never had a best friend, I’ve never been out drinking, been on a real date or been an a trip anywhere with anyone. I don’t even know how to function in society.
My mom abused me and yet I still went back to live with her because it’s all I know. She messed me up so bad but my heart hurts with love for her. I don’t think living with her is making anything better because she never encourages me to be better and I feel like she secretly wants the worst for me - but then again I feel like everyone is out to get me.. I don’t know.