There are still faint whispers of 'what if?' Or 'maybe?' within me, and as I near age 30, it has become nearly impossible to care. The only thing that matters to me is my niece.
I only want to see her do well. I've entertained the idea that once she has reached adulthood and I that she'll be safe and happy, then I could remove myself from this great disappointment that life.
I suppose that if I hope for a better future for her, that I too can hope for a better future for myself. For a time, I thought that I could do that. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. As I age, I get harder. Colder. More alone. More disgusting with humanity. More disappointed in it all. I won't be going into details of my life or reasons for my disappointment. All I can say is that I grieve, and I ache. I believe there is a God, but I have no faith in him.
There isn't a Mrs, but I don't have the capacity to give to one. I barely am able to go on with just my sense of self preservation and my responsibility to my family and my niece. A relationship is out of the question. And I say that after spending a terribly long and lonely youth longing for a wife and children of my own.
What ever I gave to my past relationships was never enough for them. Now I have nothing left to give. What little amount of 'give a shit' I sometimes am able to work up, goes to my niece. If I was meant to be with someone, they should have taken me in my prime, when I cared. Now I don't talk to anyone I don't have too. I work. Come home. Write. Spend time with my niece and a few family and friends. And that's all that I have. I don't lament this. My disappointment is with life, people, and existence. I can choose to be happy like many will say. But I don't care if I'm happy. The only happiness that matters is my niece. Sometimes, however, I wonder how thinga would be if my parents cared the same for my happiness? I'll never know.
They allowed me to live without help for my asbergers. Aswell as many other problems that doctors told them I had. I'll be sure my niece is okay and successful before I leave the planet. I'll protect her from life's greatest disappointments. If I can. But I can't explain to her why it is I am so disappointed. Why I can never be at peace. Happy. Those are things that we who are truly disillusioned must protect our children from. They must be realistic, but never unable to find the good. Or atleast never see through the Vail. I don't have the answers. I don't know what else to do. All I know, is that I won't let this child be as miserable as me. And perhaps that's the greatest thing I can do with my life.