TRIGGER WARNING!! 
hey guys, this is my first time seeking for help in this sub. But I'm desperate and don't know what to do. 
I hate myself so much. I never feel like a real person, because at one moment I'm euphoric and minutes later I just want to cut myself. During the past two weeks I felt the pressure to cut everyday. I started to harm myself when I was 12 years old and stopped whit 19. The last time was 4 years ago, but I'm so close to give a fuck and just do it. The only reason why I haven't done it yet, is my boyfriend. But I start to get angry at him, for being with me and loving me, while I'm in pain and just want to destroy myself. Its sooo exhausting. I just want to be okay and be happy with my boyfriend and meet friends. But my head won't let me. I Only have a few friends and no one lives close to me, spending time with my family is a huge trigger and I'm stuck in this cycle of hating myself and my miserable life. I get high all day, drink a few times a week, binge eat and isolate myself. Everyone around me expects me to "be normal" and I just can't. I know how irrational my thoughts are and that my way of living is unhealthy. But nothing fills this huge black hole in my chest or silences the storm of thoughts in my head.

I will go to a hospital in September and I'm on medication (escitalopram and anti psychotics), so I just have to get through this month until I'll get help. But now my head is telling me that it's okay to absolutely break down, because I will go to the hospital. So when there is a time  for relapse, then now!! 
Just feel like, I can't keep strong, and a part of me is sick of staying strong and desires a huge relapse. So I can finally let it all out. I'm hiding my thoughts from everybody, because I don't want to hurt them, so no one sees which fucked up chaos is inside of me. It feels like I'm lying to everybody and wear a mask all the time, but when I'm alone and put the mask down, there is nobody behind !! Just so much pain and emptiness. 

Sorry for the long post! But I needed to tell someone, who doesn't feels hurt by what I'm saying..