TLDR: I freak out and shut down when I feel like intimacy is expected of me.
I often find myself feeling desperate for closeness and connection, but when it seems like I have it, I become aggravated and discontent. I have no experience with, or foundation of intimacy, and I become full of that fear of engulfment.
I think it's because my parents never made a place for themselves in my heart when I needed it as a child. So I'm stuck there in my development, with the need for intimacy and trust, but always empty handed and with an empty feeling.
My husband (14y) hates it, the pull, the neediness, only to be followed by the push when I become uncomfortable with the closeness. He wants and needs the intimacy, and is often satisfied with it. But I'm always resentful that he gets that satisfaction but I never do. He wants intimacy with me, for me, and for us. And I feel pressured to pretend it's there, to make him feel better. But I think we are both aware now that it's just not possible, which is super sad and depressing. 
He also hates it that I want the same closeness from a woman to. Where I'd like to also have a girlfriend, he's absolutely against it. So I must forego any chance for consolation with a woman to get to stay with him.
Maybe all I want is closeness, but to not be needed for closeness. Just to be cared for, and given a chance to mutually care for someone else. For nothing to be demanded of me, in order to be loved. But we all know that's not how normal people want their relationships to be. They want to give their heart and soul in return for your heart and soul. Sorry, my heart is fucked up and maybe I don't have a soul. Okay, end of rant.