We've been married for 3 years and those 3 years have been filled with the highly intense emotional swings that BPD relationships tend to have. 

My Wife has improved tremendously in controlling her anger and trying to understand her own triggers and emotions. She used to have frequent outbursts and episodes where should be split and completely disrespect me and my family. 

Though it is much less frequent and usually less intense 3 years in, these episodes still occur. 

1. I've come to realize that I really don't feel connected to my wife anymore and I'm not sure I ever got to develop this in the first place fully. My wife is not there for me emotionally at all. This is resulting from constant abuse during fights and having to walk on egg shells to prevent her triggers. There are moments in fights where I've completely broke down due to the intense amount of stress, yelling (and I'm not the type of person to cry easily; I'm a fairly calm and stress free type personality). 
2. These situations involved me being completely genuine, breaking down and balling my eyes out and opening up to her to tell her that I do care about her and love her etc and I feel hurt and abused. In normal relationships, this would be met with some kind of compassion and empathy and bring you closer to each other. However during these intense moments, my wife simply continues to fight and abuse me further, yell, scream. There is absolutely know acknowledgement of my pain and hurt at all. It has completely made me feel lonely and alone in this relationship to the point where I don't even bother expressing my emotions fully and 'letting' go. My life seems to just revolve around avoiding anger, and minimizing the anger episode when it occurs. Even if things are going well, my mind is just telling me "this is temporary, give it a few days and there will be another fight on something meaningless". 
3. When I see other couples it reminds me of the past relationships where I can distinctly recall the strong emotional bonds, excitement, and genuine empathy, compassion that I would feel when I see my partner. My mind and body are constantly telling me that there is a huge void now. And I don't know if its repairable. I used to get so excited just doing simple things, like watching a movie and eating popcorn with them. But I've started to feel with my wife that I'm doing the 'motions' and 'responsibilities' but there is no attachment. In fact, there are times if she were to go away for a week, I actually feel 'free' and my mind opens up to the world as my focus shifts away from the stress. I feel like I'm living my life to just 'avoid anger/ triggers' rather than actually being happy. 
4. Recently, my wife saw couple proposing; the guy was crying due to happiness and my wife's question was 'why didn't you cry when we got married, look how happy he is!" etc. And in my mind all I could think was: when we were getting married, she was yelling and screaming all week due to the stress of the wedding and fighting about completely non sensical issues. It was so stressful and abusive in that moment; it almost made me laugh that she even said that I should also be this happy on our wedding day. Then she fought about it all day. 
5. It almost feels like she expects these 'cliche' 'romantic' episodes, almost as if these moments are just 'scenes' to play out in a movie; she doesn't realize these moments occur naturally when you have a strong emotional connection and bond with each other.  


What can I do to foster an emotional connection? I'm starting to feel like i've given my everything already and tried to understand, validate and everything else. Nothing works. This cycle is endless and I've lost hope.