I have been depressed since I was a child. I'm currently 21, and have no aspirations in life. I hate myself so much that I feel like I am beyond repair. I have been somewhat consistently medicated starting around my preteen years. Along with seeing a therapist and occasionally government services. I really wish I could just kill myself without hurting the ones I care about. I am so unhappy. So unhappy, I just wish I could be okay just for a month. I wish I wasn't in constant pain. I wish I wasn't scared of dying. I am so beyond stressed because my family has been having a lot more issues than usual and my memory has definitely been reflecting that. All I want in life is to be happy and to have a pretty garden I can tend to. It's usually that I don't want to die but I just don't want to live, but life has just feel so overwhelming. I've been finding it so hard to even do the little things that make me happy. Sorry this post is all over the place I just feel like I have no one to talk to as I don't want to burden my other friends who also deal with mental illness and I don't have therapy until a couple of days and journaling has been only doing so much lately.