okay, so, im not officially diagnosed due to being under 18, but i can be almost 100% sure i do have it. and even if i dont, i still exhibit many of the symptoms so i think i could get some support here.

yesterday was one of my worst days. i missed a day of antidepressants, and i lost control completely. i accused so many people of hating me, i threatened to slit my wrists on camera to prove i wasn't faking, I said terrible things to people only to get negative attention, I got angry because people have lives outside of being my friend. (well im not so sure anyone is still on board with me after this)

the guilt is crippling. i try so hard to make up for these things that happen once in a while but I don't know how to disconnect myself from this monster inside of me. if these are the things I am capable of when I'm not on medication, is that really me? Am i defined by this terrible person? i was genuinly about ready to kill myself and post it all over the internet and ready to tell everyone i care about that i hate them and that it's their fault that i did this because they weren't good enough to me.

I am currently not in therapy, but on a waiting list. Monday ill know more im pretty sure. i've been going through a really hard time and i hope to get a diagnosis soon so I can get dedicated treatment instead of them chalking all these things up to depression and autism.