TW - Some sensitive subjects in here so be wary if you want to read on depending on what headspace you might be in just be careful. And also bit of a long read sorry haha. But could really use some insight.

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I was diagnosed last year with BPD at 26. My whole life has been chaos with my mum. My dad is just idle and goes along with everything my mum says or does even if she was and is abusive he will just side with her. They had kids young 1st at 18, 2nd at 20 and then got accidentally pregnant with me 3 months after giving birth to their 2nd child. Then had a 4th when i was 12 years old and ended up always dumping her on us because she was ALWAYS stressed and couldn't bond her basically, so felt like a mum to a baby and a surrogate mum to my own mother. She tried to kill herself after having me. She had a really abusive upbringing, incredibly poor, rough area, she was r\*p\*d at 6 years old and her parents did nothing about it and got her no professional help for the trauma, started having much older boyfriends from 14, her biological farther was an alcoholic, abusive, absent, depressive and died when she was 20, she did have a step dad who was really loving but still buried his head in the sand not getting my mum help when she needed it. She broke down and admitted loads of shit to me once, saying she cheated on dad when they were young couple like 20, said she was confused about sex because of the r\*p\* attempts on her at 6 by a 16 year old boy who would babysit her would try to every time he babysat her, so she would engage sexually with her siblings and cousins, got the dog to lick her down there for pleasure, would wipe her bum after going the toilet for a number 2 because they only had newspaper for toilet paper as they were so poor and it hurt her because the newspaper was hard and rough. 

Her mother was incredibly unwell and mental illness runs in the family and abusive behaviour. I was born into Mormonism my mother was strict, full of fear of anything worldly, interrogated me it would terrify me, grab my face and push her face onto mine and scream, slap me across the face, call me names, discourage anything I was interested in and would belittle it and say its weird, use me for emotional support, didn't like it if I said no to her about anything e.g. her suggestions for things, asking me to do stuff for her, asking if I wanted to do something with her, was more concerned about how our family looked on the outside than having a tranquil home as she would rage and shout at us over everything, gave us no privacy as we were growing up just burst into the room, accuse us of things, compare me to my siblings, ignored my rapid weight gain when I got to puberty my siblings were average weight and healthy but I was having tons of issues with my development, hormones and horrendous periods but they did nothing, (turns out I have polycystic ovarian syndrome diagnosed with that last year too). 

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I was sexually abused by my uncle at 7 but was groomed for a long time too other things occurred, but the information didn't come out until I was 14 and he had abused my siblings too my brother had it the worst. My mum blamed my brother for some of the abuse he endured because he said he initiated it sometimes but he had been groomed from a young age and it confused him a lot my uncle was a master manipulator and had also abused other children in our family and his own brother not just us. He made my brother think it was all ok and was normal so when my brother got to a teenager he was confused and had no chance against this abuse it went on for a long time until he was 17. But my mum still to this day tries to justify why she blamed my brother for some of it when he had nothing to be blamed for. My brother went down the drugs route because of all of it and was hard to see him doing that at my age too 14/15 and onwards.  

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When I was 16 I tried to ask them for help as I knew something was seriously wrong and she said to me 'you are just looking for attention'. SO I had to seek help by myself kept trying and failing because I didn't know what to do or where to go. I got into a really bad abusive relationship with a guy from school who was also developing a personality disorder at the time as me and that went on for about 6 years on and off was its own fucked up thing. but point is I was vulnerable to being revictimised like that because of my lack of parenting and being used to abuse and no one stepping in to stop it or protect me.

Not even that long ago in an argument my mum shouted to me '\*uncles name\* only fucking flashed you'.... I've told her what went on and she still wants to invalidate because she wants to be in denial about it all and is full of fear like a wounded animal so would prefer to minimise our suffering from her abuse and the sexual abuse so then its not real in her world. I've suggested therapy or family counselling for YEARS to her and tried to make her see how invasive and abusive she is that I can barely have a functional relationship with her we are either too close and it makes me very mentally unwell or I cut them off and she will harass me, get others to harass me and guilt trip me, tell everyone about how horrible i am for not speaking to her blah blah.

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SO after years of on and off cutting my parents off I finally did for good 4 months ago. I was told by my older sister that mum has been referred to a mental health team and mum thinks she has adhd and has always had hormonal factors she been trying to figure out, which i think she does of course have hormonal problems effecting her too. But ADHD.. she might be but there is no doubt in my mind BPD is present, i doubt adhd and hormonal issues alone create this kind of behaviour. SHE IS TRAUMATISED its evident by everything I've described and there is much more that I'm probably leaving out. 

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This is tell tale signs of an incredibly mentally ill individual who has never been treated and had children over and over and never got herself help or my dad didn't step in either he was just idle. I hope the team refer her for an assessment to be done and hopefully she does it. I'm still not getting my hopes up that she will apologise/ have compassion for all she has done to me and not taken the responsibility to get help and protect us from it and try to make up for it. She's always been in denial so im not holding my breath for that but i didn't expect that she would even get referred to a mental health team. Perhaps me cutting her off for good has forced her to reflect because whenever i would give in to her harassment she no longer had to feel guilt from the reflection of her actions because I was back and it comforted her and protected her from reality.