Im in my late 30's and got diagnosed with BPD like 6-7 years ago although clearly it's been my life since elementary school at least when I started cutting. I attempted to off myself at 18 and a few other times past that.

I am in DBT therapy now, which really isn't that great honestly, and I wonder if it's because I am like resistant subconsciously to treatment after seeing various therapists and such for 25 years.

I didn't ever have anything super traumatic happen to me as a kid, perceived invalidation from my parents but nothing like physical or sexual abuse. I never really considered I might have cptsd but reviewing the symptoms and how similar they are to bpd (the feeling of being broken and empty inside has always been there) I am wondering if I have it and if I was the one who gave it to myself by various attempts on my own life and unhealthy thinking over a life time.

So many things that make logical sense, and I can see they do just don't mean anything to me. There is such a disconnect between how I feel and how I try to outsmart things I just feel like it's a lost cause. Dunno. Being told to not judge yourself and not hate yourself is all well and good but I don't believe it because I don't feel that way and I can't remember when I ever have, excepting unhealthy FP style friendships where obviously I was a fucking parasite.

None of this matters much anymore. I've cut most everyone off, one of my closest friends finally told me never to contact them again and my other close friend barely communicates with me anymore. I understand, I am fucking terrible to be friends with. I wouldn't be if I didn't hate myself so much. It's such a viscous circle.