When I met my bf I was blown away by the level of care, concern, and mutual obsession we both seemed to have for each other--it was intense and extremely satisfying, sometimes intoxicating, because we were each other's fps, and for a while, I actually felt good about myself and my life because I felt like I'd not only found someone who understood me but who I could be fully myself around while I worked on my issues. Very idealistic mindset, I know.

This lasted all of two months before it came crashing down. I knew that my bf struggled with mental illness, but didn't know he had bpd characteristics until things got off the tracks. Essentially he had to withdraw a bit to focus on school and work and felt comfortable doing so--I wasn't ready for this and had some difficulties with it, but was open about communicating it without putting pressure on him, or so I thought. He flipped when he learned how I was feeling and was convinced it was HIS fault, he was fucking up somehow, me feeling insecure and anxious over abandonment was because of him not doing enough. 

Over the next couple of weeks the withdrawal got worse and he seemed very unhappy with me in general/was definitely splitting. Also experiencing mega dissociation symptoms and feeling angry all the time, although his outbursts were to a minimum as he's had a lot of practice learning to control his anger. He'd also flip flop between worrying about me/showing his own insecurities and pushing me away. It was impossible to connect like we had originally. 

Meanwhile I've been feeling the same mood swings of unbearable pain and distress and anxiety over... not just him but everyone. I should note there are lots of good things about the relationship, I'm just trying to keep this condensed. 

Recently I thought things had been getting better but he came to me and said that it's been consistently worse. He feels angry and unhappy with me all the time and he can't figure out why because rationally he loves me and enjoys spending time with me. It seems that when I am insecure/not in a good place mentally/or otherwise asking for more time with him, even in a non-pressurey way, it is stoking these reactions, maybe because he feels like he is being rejected or criticized? Or I am not the "perfect" girlfriend because I'm not fitting into the image of what he needs? Or maybe he just isn't happy with me in general, which is something he stated may be the case. 

This is hugely triggering for me and hard for me to cope with. I learned with him how to feel okay with myself in a relationship and now I am being told that I am not making him happy. I know my self-worth needs to be independent from him but it is so painful that the person I trusted most is turning his back on me. He needs space and time to think about it, but meanwhile, I feel like I'm on trial or at risk for causing a break up if I act wrong. We can't even fully talk about these things without it triggering both of us--because him knowing I feel this way makes him feel worse and like he isn't a good boyfriend and I'd be better off without him, which makes me feel worse, etc. It's a vicious cycle. 

TLDR; my bpd reactions are triggering my bf's bpd reactions and vice versa to the point where we cannot talk about our real issues without it causing us extreme pain.

Does anyone have any experience with this or advice? I'm at a loss and my friends are also at a loss because it's such a bpd-centered issue.