The second I opened my eyes I knew today was gonna be one of those days. A day filled with anxiety, heavy depression, can’t get out of my head and all that Jazz. I hate that no matter what I do to lift myself out of this state of fog, it will do nothing to curb the hell I have to endure. The only thing that makes it go away is going to bed and starting over tomorrow. 

I’ve been doing the mental health purgatory thing for a while now so I can recognize what is going on, but it still doesn’t ease the torture. I know that all is not lost, or that I have no hope, but the anguish in my head sure does a number on my spirits. It’s not like yesterday was all that bad, or that I have to much stress on my plate at the moment. Just woke up and that’s it. Another wasted day. No amount of tools that I have in my toolbox can fix this day, so I have to drudge through every hour with the hopes that I don’t fuck up my life like I have in the past. It’s not like I can take pills to help, as even a small dose of ibuprofen gives me horrible chest pain, and anxiety/depression meds send me into a rabbit hole that took me months to get out of. 

I’m taking a mental health half day so I can go home and play video games until it’s time for bed. Honestly it’s the only thing I can do besides drowning in my pitiful sorrow that I have conjured up in my head. I wish I could go express this pain when talking about my mental health, but tomorrow, this day will just be another foggy memory that clouds my already cloudy head. It’s hateful, but I wish that people could swap body’s for a day. Because I’d give them mine on days like today, so they could see the torment that I go through and why I’ve fucked up so many things in the past. I would just want people to know that I try really hard to maintain but more often than not, I lose. 

I’ve lost amazing jobs and opportunities because of days like today. Lost friends from when one day drags into days and weeks and become a ghost. Lost women that I truly loved because I couldn’t express how I was feeling and shut myself down when all they wanted was to be let in. Can’t do that though, because I don’t want to drag them into my pit of shit. 

I fucking hate days like today.