I’ve been lurking Reddit for yeaaaaaaars without ever making an account, so obviously I came to you today with some serious and heavy stuff. 

My wife has been diagnosed and medicated since I met her, and it’s never been an issue whatsoever before. We fight fair, I’ve never brought it up in arguments and such (and never would), but man, the last 5-6 years of my life has basically been hell on Earth. 

5 years back had our first kid. 3 years back had our second. Now my wife has spent the last 2 years transitioning back into the workforce. She works with people for a living, so she constantly talking to other people for work (important). She works day hours, then roughly 10 hours across nights during the week. So basically our day looks like: get kids up and out the door by 8am, wife works 9am-3pm (I’m working similar hours in the day, but have to end my day at 2pm to pick up kids), then she naps 2+ hours while I handle house chores, child care, take kids to activities, and fill the gap. Sometimes I cook dinner too but that’s a separate issue. Then she does 2-3 hours of work at night and we do a cordial peck and “love you” before bed as she sleeps and I stare at my phone wondering how everything got so bad. 

Since we got married almost 10 years ago (Jesus time flies), our connection has tanked. She doesn’t ever wanna leave the house and walk, hike, or similar. She has (self-admittedly) zero interests outside of work, sleep, TV, and more sleep. No hobbies other than Facebook and Candy Crush. No friends that aren’t coworkers or friends, and even those she only sees virtually. The intimacy is obviously in the negative as well. We had sex 3 times last year, 4 times the year before, 2 times the year before. This year we’re up to 1. 

She has serious difficulty showing affection. Words, touch, actions. No history of sexual abuse or anything like that. Doesn’t ever initiate any affection. Holds all the sexual power in this relationship. Is a side hugger aka avoider. Some of these attributes have always been there, some of them are new. So a few weeks ago I made a comment we should make it a habit to say we love each other before one of us leaves the house. She flipped, pushed me away, rejected my hug and said “why would we do that?” Boy I was hurt. A couple days later I sat her down and probably had an unhelpful conversation with her in which I, as calmly as possible, stated, “I’m tired of being rejected and completely alone, and I’m not going to take it anymore.” She brought up the D word (2nd time in the last two years SHE has brought it up). Then we parted ways for a few days and then talked it out. Decided to go to therapy. 

Now I’m in couples therapy with someone who is quiet as a mouse, shares practically nothing, and is extra eggshells to be around now. 

Meanwhile my emotional rollercoaster is out of control and I don’t know how to handle this. I’m at a breaking point. Like I literally can’t take it anymore. I love her, but I hate what this disease is doing to the woman I once loved. 

I know I’m probably being overly sensitive about things but I just can’t handle the rejection and loneliness. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have time to see my own therapist. Hoping you all can lend some advice and support. I’m at the end of my rope and I don’t want to leave but I see zero light at the end of the tunnel. Everything online is support them, be there for them, show up for the person you love. What about me, man?  I don’t want to live the rest of my life lonely and regretful. Not a good example to set for my kids and not healthy for me. 

Thanks for any insights.