Hello, Reddit.

Recently, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type II. After doing some research, I feel that my issues are more in line with BPD than Bipolar. More often than not, I go from wanting to die to feeling stable within a few minutes. I am extremely overreactive to certain situations. In the past, when friends have made jokes or something along the lines that may have been mildly offensive to me, I would blow up and tell them to never talk to me again. But then, after feeling sad about being alone and not having anybody to talk to, I would add them back or talk with them again.

This type of behavior would also go into my relationships. If a girl backed away from me, I would feel heartbreak to the most insane degree where I would be bedridden and be incapable of dragging myself out. Cry nonstop and feel like they were out to get me and fucked me over, even if they would tell me they just simply did not want to be in a relationship in that moment. I just couldn’t handle it, and would end up driving away any girl I’d ever loved in my life. I also have an extremely hard time getting over girls, and I still miss my ex, whom I only knew for a few months, and we haven’t even talked in a year. 

I also have incredibly self-destructive behavior and intense anger, where something as insignificant as somebody cutting me off in traffic sends me into a full-blown rage episode. I spend money impulsively, even while on medication, and while things have improved slightly being on meds, it still isn’t helping much. I have gone to my psych doctors about this and they say I am not BPD, but the problem is, I am a very monotone person which in turn, hides these emotions that they are looking for when diagnosing somebody. I do experience highs and lows, and do have nights where I have trouble sleeping or feel that I don’t need sleep.

I have an extremely addictive personality, and have had issues with smoking too much weed/nicotine, and alcohol abuse. I have never tried harder drugs because I know I wouldn’t come out of it. I’m also addicted to sex, and when I’m in a relationship, I am obsessed with the other person. That being said, I only fall for toxic people who seem to do more damage to me, and normal, stabilized people tend to bore me because chaos excites me. I’ve also had an eating disorder in the past, as well as attempted suicide over these issues.

I will add that I grew up in an abusive household, and was abandoned by my real father. My stepfather was extremely emotionally and sometimes physically abusive, and I witnessed him and my mother fighting and screaming at each other my entire childhood. My anxiety developed as a child, but I didn’t know it at the time. I was always called a “worrywart,” and I would do things like checking the doors to see if they were locked and was always paranoid that somebody would break into the house and kill the whole family.

I also have obsessive, intrusive thought cycles that last for a week to a couple weeks, and then I’ll move onto something else to worry about. Any BPD test I take(and I know, I shouldn’t self-diagnose), I always score perfect on, whereas with the bipolar tests, it always says I may have it, but with BPD, it says I’m a severely strong indicator of it.

I just feel like my therapists write it off very quickly but I feel I exhibit the behaviors that I read about for this disorder. I tend to put my feelings above others and validate myself because I would feel like I was right more often than not and that people were always out to get me.

Does any of this sound like BPD? Or am I simply overthinking this?