This is something I've been struggling with lately. I figured this was my depression. I have seasonal depression. It's an issue. Sometimes the medication helps but sometimes.... a lot of times these last few days... it's just too much. 

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I'm in university. I have an assignment due tomorrow, and for that assignment I need to read about 80 or so pages of this philosophy paper. In four days I have a French test - I failed my last one so badly it brought my average down 15 points. Five days from now, I need to hand in a 9-10 page research paper for political science. 

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I. Can't. Breathe. It is so overwhelming. I don't even know where to start. This is where the BPD comes in, I think. I was making good progress on my philosophy assignment. I had even read 97% of this massive paper and highlighted passages. Then I decided to put on studying music, and wound up playing this piano playlist on Spotify. A sad piece came on and I stopped reading. Suddenly my brain was numb and cold and empty, and everything was dark and horrible. I decided I chose the wrong topic for this assignment, and told myself that now I would have to go all the way back and read a different philosophy paper that was even longer, because I was sure that I would get a horrible mark on this assignment. I convinced myself that there was no way I could form an intelligible argument for this one specific concept. 

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Anyway, instead of doing that I curled up on my living room floor for two hours, covered myself with a blanket and cried. I don't know what to do. I can't fail this French test coming up (I had TWO weeks to study for it and did NOTHING). I can't fail this philosophy assignment. I can't fail this political science paper. 

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The thing that really pisses me off is that I had an entire week off - more than a week (TEN DAYS) - from classes, and I did NOTHING. I told myself I was going to have everything done by now, and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I can't learn all of the vocab for French that I need to know in 4 days. I can't learn the fucking conjugations I need to know. I can't write a 9 page research paper on a subject I know nothing about in 5 days. I am so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. 

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I just want to go back to my place on the floor and cry for the rest of the night. It is so exhausting being depressed with BPD. Every time I get the energy to do something, the BPD symptoms come out in full force and tell me to go fuck myself.