I pushed away my only friend in my life by being a bitch to him. I’m not going to blame it all on bpd obviously because I know I struggle with these things but I still let myself behave that way. I couldn’t stop splitting or thinking that I’m literally worthless and that our whole friendship was a lie and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess. I have zero friends and am unstable as fuck and now I am unemployed with a car payment and I don’t give a shit enough to get a job because I don’t want this life. I’m at rock bottom but now I’m thinking about where to get heroin or fentanyl so I can just fucking end it because I’m too cowardly to jump.