So this is a weird story.

Manchester by the Sea was a film about a man named Lee who accidentally killed his two children, failed to cope with it, and decided to live a depressed life away from everyone. 

Many people were saddened by the fact that Lee did not change his view on life over the course of the film. However, I was inspired that he's still alive and not thinking or at least not attempting to take his own life. He works a shitty job, go to a bar every night alone, gets drunk and go home to sleep by TV. For me, it was the life of my dream, and it kind of still is. It showed me that depression doesn't mean you have to die, at least not right away. I don't want to work a "good" job. Unlike Lee I'm not much of a drinker, but I do smoke a lot of tobacco. (kind of due to the fact it doesn't get me high) I'm currently in college, and when people ask me what my aspiration is, I'd probably say, a dishwasher or something similar. They'd take it as joking but I really want it (and I am working as a part-time dishwasher). 

Most of the time I feel contempt with my view on life, but every once a while I do get depressed by it. I know it's not healthy (physically and mentally), but I kind of like it, the feeling that I will be living a shitty life. Of course, that's according to my worldview, a dishwasher in the states is still a lot better than a lot of other jobs around the world. Now it's one of those days I'm getting depressed again. I ask myself: aren't I just waiting for the cancer to kick in so I don't have to do it myself?