TW: Suicide

TL;DR — My bf says I’m his soulmate but I’m worried I am (or will become) toxic for him. I want to ask him to break up with me (again) but don’t want to overwhelm him. What do I do?

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I’m new to my diagnosis and to bpd subreddits and I just found some BPD-abuse support threads. I read through a lot of the posts even though I know it wasn’t the best idea.

I want to convince my boyfriend to break up with me. A lot of the posts mentioned that pwBPD cause horrible breakups and many of the partners of the pwBPD regretted their relationship entirely. I want to send him some of these posts to help convince him, but I know that will overwhelm him and upset him. This isn’t the first time I’ve asked him to break up with me for his sake. But he just turned 21. I can’t break
up with him right after his birthday. But wouldn’t it be the best gift to him if I did? Wouldn’t it prevent him from being hurt by me?

I have quiet BPD — a lot of my extreme emotions are directed inwards. I go through rollercoasters regarding our relationship in my head because he is my FP, but I rarely show it to him or overcompensate by showing as little emotion as possible. He usually sees my swings via extreme anxiety/depression, anxiety/panic attacks, intense apologetic/defensive behaviour, and an obsession over how he phrases things. I try my best to not hurt him. I am in therapy/DBT and have been on meds for a year now. It helps, but I’m scared it won’t be enough.

I was extremely clingy during the beginning of our relationship but now have a habit of avoiding him when I have low moods. However, my therapist says that I should open up to him and ask for support more. I have tried to do so and I can tell (and he has admitted) that at times it overwhelms him. I’ve tried to just simplify the way he supports me when we’re apart to a few “check-ins” throughout the day if I tell him I’m feeling low (one text in the morning and at night, plus one mid-day if he is able to). He keeps forgetting to do that and apologizes, but when I remind him he gets extremely defensive and frustrated. I don’t think that I should ask for his support anymore, even though we’re both trying so hard for each other. I don’t think
I should ask for anything from him anymore. I want him to break up with me so I don’t have to be a burden on him. 

He comes from a very abusive household. I’m worried that he doesn’t see how horrible I am because of it. I am worried that he is tolerant of my BPD now because of his upbringing, but will later realize I’ve been abusive or a waste of his time.

We’ve talked about getting married. We’ve talked about kids and the future. We get along very well, but his c-PTSD doesn’t mesh well with my BPD. He says I’ve gotten better in a lot of ways, but I don’t trust that. I don’t think I will ever be good enough for him, or at least not as good to him as he is to me. 

But he’s told me before that I saved him from suicide. That if I killed myself he would probably kill himself too, that he thinks I’m his soulmate. 

But what if that attraction was based off of my lovebombing? What if I get worse and hurt him? What if I find a new FP at some point and my behaviour towards him changes? I’m so new to all this and am still in the middle of understanding how BPD affects me. I just want to save him from myself. 

What do I do?