It's been years since I've been on this subreddit, and honestly life has gotten immensely better. However, things are somehow the same. The ups and downs aren't as intense, but it's still so frustrating never being able to just be at a overall baseline. 

The part that really gets me is my completely lack of self. I have no idea who I am. The way I dress, my career path, my sexual identity, my relationships with friends and family. I have no idea what I want and no stability in the things that make me feel good or bad.

My moods are still unstable but more manageable and don't effect my life dramatically. But I'm closing in on my 30s and I can't pick a career. I go back and forth on whether my friends are good or bad for me. I can't decide whether to date men or women or embrace celibacy to heal and prevent more trauma. I can't decide how to dress because I always cringe about it soon after. I can't even upload pictures because I feel like they're all inauthentic. I'm losing weight healthily but part of me thinks I should just be happy how I am because I'm tired of yo-yoing. Somedays I feel masculine and confident, other days I'm feminine and giddy, then I just feel completely disgusted by both.

I don't know what I want. I've never known, and I'm wasting so much time trying to figure it out and then end up not wanting anything. It drives me to absolute hopelessness.

 I want to have a career to focus on more than anything but I know myself and I don't want to waste money on college just to end up unable to follow through. I've been very successful in my current job but I am embarrassed by what I do and want out so badly. But I don't want to have a 9-5, I don't think being isolated at a stay at home will be mentally healthy for me, I'm not creative enough for anything artsy like I want, and I'm too socially anxious for a leader role in what I do now. Those are realistic observations not self hate. I just don't know what to do.