As a child I was never comforted when I cried over the pettiest things. Even when I got bullied, my mom scolded me for even showing the weakest emotion. When I didn't pass my scholarship, cried for hours, got scolded. I guess she was trying to show tough love. I don't know. 

I concluded that based from these experiences, I shouldn't show weakness in front of her. During my first break up, I cried in my room alone. Even if I want to vent everything to her, I can't because I know I'll get scolded. Even during my darkest depression episode, to the point that I was suicidal, I decided not to tell. I've kept it all to myself. All these years.

Just right now as I'm typing this, I can hear her sobbing.

I don't know the reason. I'm clueless. It's even my first time hearing it. But even if I want to comfort her and take care of her from whatever she's crying about, I can't do it. I can't. I don't know why. I can't bring myself to comfort her. I love her and I want her to stop crying and be happy but, I just can't, I don't know how. My body can't bring myself there and do all those things. I don't have the courage. I'm stuck.

When I used to cry at school because I can't cry it at all at home, I was thankful I had great friends who comforted me. And now during quarantine, even if we are miles apart, I still manage to send them words of encouragement during their hard times. But with my mom who is just in the other room crying, I can't bring myself to do it.

Funny how things turn around. Now it feels like I'm the bad person.