I’ve struggled for years wondering what’s wrong with me , 4 years ago I got diagnosed with panic disorder and got medication, quit therapy. But I knew it was more than that. My emotions were everywhere but I was still younger so I was thinking oh yanno I’m still a teenager and it could just be the crazy emotions every typical teenager would have. Now I’m almost 21 and my days are rollercoasters of emotions and I can’t seem to control myself. For years I was able to keep these huge emotions inside but now it’s pouring out even harder ? I’ve been extremely manipulative towards my boyfriend and the worst part is that I do not realize or see it until after 2 hours of arguing I’m crying saying how sorry I am because I come to this quick realization of what I’m doing. Most days are either panicking , crying , feeling like everything is fine , then crying again , panicking , starting an argument with my boyfriend because I think he’s gonna leave me, not to mention all the suicidal thoughts in between all my meltdowns where I just push people further away from me. And the spacing out and not being able to focus, I catch myself feeling like I’m not in reality and like I’m not myself. I feel like I can’t find myself and like I’ve become some kind of monster that I know I’m not. It all feels like I have good intentions when It turns out the opposite and before I know it I’ve fucked up again . And I just need someone to listen and hear me out. I don’t know how to bring this up to my therapist cause I have a deep fear and a lot of anxiety that he’s not gonna hear me out and I’m gonna be told I’m making things up. I just need exact words and how to say things. I need help because everyday keeps getting harder to the point where I lost my job and I can barely leave my house and I don’t want to kill myself honestly. My emotions just get so big sometimes that I don’t even know what I’m doing and I already have had a big problem with self harming recently. I’m sorry if this is scrambled but I can use all the help I can get to figure out what is wrong with me and if all of this sound valid at all? (Literally my heart is beating so fast while writing this LMAO)