My girlfriend has a chronic illness that potentially could cause her to have a stroke or heart attack. As we're fairly young the absolute chances of that happening are still pretty small but it's possible. I've had intense health anxiety for years too and I have chronic symptoms like chest pain and trouble breathing and even though I've been to a number of doctors about it I still worry. 

I work from home but I'm just sitting here paralyzed researching medical shit or like, what I would need to do if my girlfriend died suddenly, which is horrible and I know it's hurting our relationship because sometimes it's too painful to even talk to her because I just keep thinking about her dying. She isn't afraid at all. She says in all likelihood it'll be ten years or longer before it's a problem and if the worst happens she isn't afraid of death. I wish I could feel like that but I'm totally paralyzed by my fear. 

This has been going on on and off for many years but for the last couple of weeks it's been constant. I can't eat, I've lost a ton of weight, I barely sleep, I can't enjoy time with my girlfriend because I'm so terrified of losing her. I keep telling myself "if she \*did\* suddenly die you would forever regret not enjoying the time that you had" but that just makes me start fixating on the "suddenly die" part again. I've heard a million times "well everyone dies, you could get hit by a car tomorrow, an asteroid could hit the earth and kill everyone, you just have to not think about that stuff" but I \*can't\* not think about that stuff. It feels like if I stop thinking about it then it'll be worse when it happens, or I won't be prepared for it. But thinking about it is making me so sick.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. I am just really not feeling well and need some advice. I'm in the process of getting a therapist but I have to get through things until then.