If you dont want to hear me rant/vent and pity myself just click off. Thanks

TLDR / TW!
WHY THE FUCK ALWAYS ME?!?!?!?. Sure people have it worse but i'd rather live in africa and starve because These people at least have a family/friends/strangers that care so fuck off. The funny thing is that no matter what i do i'll never be able to live a normal and fullfilling live so i might aswell just give up. Again.

I'm 18f with diagnosed depression and i'm a high functioning asperger autist. Also due to things that happened i have ptsd and panic attacts aswell (i even had two manic Episodes in my life).
I've been raped in Kindergarten multible times and as if that aint enough i got sexually molested at age 12 and 15 OH AND HEY not forgetting to mention my family which are all obese fucks that fed me to be obese aswell and strip me naked as a kid to gaslight me and take pics. I always hoped that things would get better when i grow up but no, they just started. From grade 3 - 8 i got bullied: things stolen from me, things got destroyed, i got cyberbullied by my classmates, they were spitting on me, got called names ect ect . You can say i got the full package  :). Even the teachers didnt do anything or screamed at me for having panic attacks so yeah rly no help. The two reasons where probably my autism which got diagnosed pretty late and my obesity i guess. I was just ugly and behaved rly odd. But yeah whatever with 15 i wanted ro change physically so i began to do Sport and eat healthier cuz my fucking mom always gave me congrats for minor stuff in for of FAST FOOD AND SWEETS. Anyways after 1.5 years i got to a healthy weight but due to me being rly insecure i dtarted to lose my sence of health/reality when it comes to food. So yeah for 1 year i'm sometimes eating  300 kcal per day for an month and i'm i'm underweight eventhough i still feel fat af :). On march this year i got 18 and only had my narcissistic friend to celebrate but since i'm "THAT AGE" i downloaded bumbe to date. I got a Match and omg my life was looking so good until he did a 180 with treating me. He KNEW i was raped, molested, bullied and was even picking up on my developing eating disorder. After taking my "v-card" he always came to my place to watch soccer and never gave me attention. I confronted him about it but he just said "He isnt in the cuddle mood". After that tho he started pulling my skin and said i'm fat and have to do more sport eventhough he always got fast food for us and whenever i'd Tell him that i want something healthy he would make fun of my eating disorder. Then it moved to social media... i have a bigger following due to art i used to post and he was pushing me to get tattoos, piecring and post on insta. I said no cuz insta is fake af and not good for my mental health so he started showing me pictures of girl and commented how pretty/hot/fuckable they are ect. First once a week, then daily, then every fuxking Minute. So one random day i dm'd him saying "hey how are you" and he said "why are dou writing me lol". As you can guess he broke up After telling me i'm boring, he hates me, i'm disgusting and fat ect ect. The next day i climbed up to the highest building in my town to off myself but after crying my Sound out i was like no, not  because of him. Tbh it was better that he broke up because i was blind af. But why? Why cant anything work? Something always happens that steals me everything. Its so sick ... due to my autism i started selfharming in Kindergarten... yk this clichee that austist smash their head against a wall. This world is pure evil and wont ever change. I think i feel so old with 18 because my intuition knows that i will "unalive" myself soon anyways also even if some wonder happens ... i cant get back these important 18 years and i will always have my trauma. I used to be a huge horror Fan but when i had my first suicide attempt there was litteraly no demon/serial killer/entity ... what the fuck ever that scares me. I was in a train with a guy that was stabbing someone and i wasnt scared, no matter what happend i'm just not scared of death, in fact i'm rather welcoming. Its just all unfair and makes no sense. If you read all this shit whysoever, thank and have a better life.

Here are my two favourite quotes i really feel atm, to end the post:

"Depression cant be healed, you have to learn to live with it"

"don't warn your children about school shooters, stop your children from becoming one"