Two years ago I (24f) met my now ex-partner (26f). She was my first love, and best friend in the world. We lived together, had pets together, travelled together, and spent almost every day together. We regularly talked about our future together and starting a family one day. I was planning to propose after I graduate college. And now she’s gone.

I know my mental health issues contributed to why she had to leave. She admitted she lost her attraction to me and didn’t want to worry about me as much, even though I know it hurt her to tell me that. 

She is still trying to remain friends, which helps me cope with the feelings of abandonment, but I know it’s also making it harder for me to move on. She’s already started seeing other people casually, which is killing me. She’s been reassuring me that once I “get my shit together” we might be able to try dating again in the future, but it doesn’t make dealing with the pain any easier. 

It still feels as fresh as day one. I thought living with QBPD was hard before our breakup, but now I feel stuck in an endless loop of crippling depression, self-doubt, jealousy, and guilt over my role in the downfall of our relationship. Every fight, and worse, every beautiful memory is playing on repeat in my mind. 

I live alone now and I can’t sleep most nights. I’m not eating right. I breakdown into tears multiple times a day. I miss her and the life we shared together more and more with each day that passes. It’s hell. I feel like I’m dying inside. 

If anyone with this illness has been in a similar position, how did you survive it? Did things actually get better? Any advice or support would be sincerely appreciated. 

Thank you for reading