This will be a long post. 

I'm gonna tell you a bit about myself, excluding any diagnoses that I've gotten in the past few years. 

I'm a 20yo female. Now I have an okay-ish, kinda stable life. 

I've been in therapy (psychiatrist for meds and just therapist for talking about all kinds of stuff) for 3 years.
I changed 6 of them because I felt like nobody can actually help me. 

I went through traumatic events since I was 5 years old. Three major events happened back then, including being touched by a relative in a wrong way, being brought to big dark rooms so grandmother could play bingo, witnessing messed up things, having a couple head injuries and horrible sicknesses. 

At the age of 6, I developed derealization as a coping mechanism. Back then, major triggers were fights and crowds. 

It started to get worse over the years. In almost any occasion where I was supposed to feel any emotion except for rage, I'd just go numb. Or I was normally numb all the time. Anger is the only thing I can be 100% sure that I feel. 

When I was 13, my father cheated on my mother and manipulated her all the time into thinking that somehow everything is her fault and she must stay with him because his reputation would go to hell if her and I left. 

That trait, constant need for manipulating people, is something I dislike, but it's also one of my most dominant traits. I just don't see what's wrong with it. 

Over this relatively short time that I've been on this world, I've hurt myself and others. 

But most of the times I was the one who was hurt.
I was emotionally abused, I was abused in my elementary school, middle school, and also high school. In high school it's gotten so severe that I had to change classes completely to not be with those people. Most collectives of like-minded people dislike or even hate me, and people love to spread rumors about me. 

I had many dreams and fantasies of torturing and killing my ex-classmates. I used to spend a lot of time on imagining setting fire to their classroom and just leaving, like nothing happened, letting them burn like pieces of trash they are. 

I fantasized about hurting my fathers mistress and the girl who flirted with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend is a very naive person and he thought the girl didn't want to f him, but I realized it immediately. I sent her a message, asking her a couple of things. Next thing I know, she started completely avoiding me and my boyfriend, and is now a bit scared. 

When it comes to my social circles, I'm kinda popular. I know a lot of people, some of them like me and want to spend time with me. They think they can tell me their whole life stories and completely trust me after hanging out just once.
But I'd say that I have many, many acquaintances and shallow friendships, but just a few real friendships, if any. 

Whenever I was super close to someone, that person adored me. We usually shared interests and they would start to copy me after some time. All of my super close friendships ended basically overnight. It was never a long period of someone being unhappy or the friendship being toxic. Trust me, I would know, since I analyze every single encounter with anyone throughoutly. They would just decide that I'm a bad person and blame all of their stupid choices on me.
I know how to be a good friend, and I do care about not being alone. Whenever my friends have problems, I listen and offer concrete advice. I respect their personalities. "I make them feel special" as one of them said. 
There were instagram lives about me, people wanting to "teach me" that I cannot go through life with so little empathy and care for other human beings, I've been called a wh*re since I was 14 because I used to have many short term relationships I didn't care about.
It wasn't even for sex. I just wanted someone to be there while I was going through stuff at home. 

I'm currently in an almost 2 year long relationship. He met me when I was consuming a lot of dr*gs and used to be drunk almost every day. Back then I just felt like I shouldn't live anymore. I tried to OD on pills and alcohol in 2019. Didn't work, got up next morning and went to school like nothing happened. My head and liver hurt the whole next day but that's about it. 

There are things in life that I love, though. At least I think I do. But there's always something that prevents me from being truly happy/sad. Whenever I feel something like that, it doesn't last longer than a couple of minutes. 

I used to love that one guy when I was 15. He was a lot like me. 
I love some of my friends. But I can't stop myself from judging all their decisions and getting mad when they meet someone I feel could replace me, and sabotaging those relationships. 
I love animals. I adored our dog. She would make me happy and she was adorable. Big fluffy female dog. I felt bad when she died last year. We also have a house cat. She's fun but I don't like her that much. It's annoying how cats go from wanting to be petted to attacking you in the matter of seconds. I used to beat her up badly when I came home from school, being bullied. I don't ever do that anymore, since I realized how wrong it is. I also used to like killing aquarium fish when I was 6-7yo for some reason. 
I love my boyfriend. He has helped me go through many things and he was my biggest support when I went to therapy. He's a very good person. Too good for his own good. We almost broke up when he realized that I was manipulating him for three weeks constantly into stopping doing something I didn't like. 
I manipulate people often. It's the only right way for me to get what I want. 
I believe I'm supposed to feel bad about it. I just don't. 
If you wanna survive in this messed up world, you find ways to get on top. 
I manipulated my first psychiatrist into thinking that I'm working really hard to stop manipulating others for fun and mostly for my own success or ego boosts. 

I know I should change. I just don't want to. 

My mother is an empath. She is extremely emotional.
My father is the opposite. I've never seen that man or his mother ever show any sign of empathy. They rarely show any emotions at all.
The only "emotions" I've seen in them, was when they told me (in separate occasions ofc) they were going to kill themselves. I was 11 when grandma said that and 15 when dad said it. 

I've spent three years being medicated and going to therapy. It helped all of my simptoms of other disorders. I'm not on meds anymore nor do I need them. My mood is completely stable. They helped me as much as they could. 

What do you think is my problem? What would be that diagnosis? I've heard a couple of words being repeated through the process of my therapy, but I won't list them.
I'm mostly just curious if I really have those traits, or psychiatrists just like to label people that way. 

If you have any advice, feel free to write it.