I'm so sure I have social anxiety that has interfered with the way that I have lived my life and I feel like it is the reason I have recently been broken up with. I have always felt scared to approach people, to go into the old grocery store I used to work at just because I don't want to see people, I'm also in a small town so I don't like doing things in this town because I feel like I'll see somebody from high school, I have such an awful problem with looking people in the eyes, I truly only feel comfortable when I am in my room with my door shut on my Xbox. 

My life has been great I haven't really had any trauma and the worst thing that has happened to me is just some minor bullying because I have a little twitch and that was in Middle School and a little bit in high school, really stemming just from one person that I cut off, he was supposed to be a friend. 

It's not impossible for me to be in social situations such as a classroom for going to the gym, it's more so when I am going to be the center of attention or people are focusing on me, or talking to somebody new or approaching somebody is next to Impossible and when I do my voice gets shaky I feel like I start to choke up and I get super sweaty, even if it's just one person that I'm in a class with and I have to ask them what our assignment was, if I haven't really established a relationship with them it's so hard to speak to them. 

It's weird because I can see it from the outside and I know a lot of things that I can do to try to make it better and techniques to help me succeed in some cases but it's like no matter how much I know or try to be mindful of it there is always some part of me that holds back or is going to choke up or forget what I was trying to say.

The reason that I'm really trying to search Within Myself and figure this out is because I feel like this is the leading cause for my last relationship ending, I feel like my social anxiety got the best of me and it affected her so much that she ended it. It seems a little different but looking back on it now I don't see how it wasn't social anxiety but I can explain a couple of examples. At first going over to her place and being myself wasn't a problem but it was like after I got comfortable then I started to be less and less open in silly in fear I don't even know really just something in the back of my head. She was super silly and was able to do cringey stuff and laugh at all and I feel like I forced my social anxiety on her by trying to minimize some stuff she was doing because it made me socially anxious. Also mixed with the pandemic led me to being too comfortable in my own house so that whenever I left I would just get home sick and feel uncomfortable because I had been in my house so long and that really being the only place that I feel like I don't have to have a guard up or feel like I'm performing in public.

I also feel like I have slight OCD because I am very particular about some things and a lot of them are small and really shouldn't even matter and I push that on her a lot too. And it would just be super small stuff that I know I probably should have just let go but it's like it would eat at me until I said something. 
I just wanted to try to be the best person I could be and I think that is out of fear of failure and how I will be looked at and I feel like my social anxiety really drives that, it's so hard to be myself and there's a very very select few that I can, I can't really even be myself in front of my parents. I feel so dumb because I couldn't see this stuff whenever I was in the relationship and it just feels so crappy to not be able to work on the saints that I didn't realize, even though I am totally willing to work on everything and sacrifice anything for her and I am willing to see my issues and work on them. 

Any time that she was having issues with her mental health or just anything in life I would always try to help her and just try to improve even though sometimes I could be critical and demeaning sometimes with the small little stuff that I should have let go. I just feel like it would be so much better if we could just communicate and really come to an understanding and even though I don't really want to accept that social anxiety is what has been doing this to me I'm willing to accept that and get help for it it just seems so unfair to me that it ended like this even though I put her through this and it being especially difficult because we weren't aware completely that I really had these problems because I will try to communicate with her but I feel like I held back some things because of my social anxiety and I just had anxieties in the back of my head and I do constantly that hold me back and have hurt the people around me which I I have such an issue with forgiving myself for because I only have good intentions and I don't want to hurt anybody and I want to make everybody feel good about themselves and be happy. 

Maybe I should have seen it coming but it seems like she just ended it so suddenly and I wish that I could really explain to her that I understand where I fail and could really make her believe me but it's like she just cut me off and it feels like she wants nothing to do with me and that hurts so deeply because of the love I thought we had, maybe she is just so hurt she's running away, I want to really explain to her how I feel and that I would go to any lengths to try to improve myself and be a person that she deserves. 
I know there are many great things about me and I  know that i have helped her in many many ways too, but I feel like because I didn't really know the extent of my anxieties because I always seemingly brushed them to the side or made excuses for things when I really just didn't want to admit that I have issue, actual issues that inhibit myself and those around me. 

Also I feel like this led to a decrease in sexual activity, not to say I didn't want to but we mostly hung out at my house and I was always too anxious to do anything big out of fear of them hearing and I was always anxious of what she thought during anything that kinda held me back, that probably had a big part in it too. I feel so awful I let being overly critical about stupid stuff and social anxieties hurt her and get in the way of how I live

If there is any advice you all can think of or ask any questions to try to confirm if I have social anxiety, though I'm sure I do, I'm open to all comments, criticism, and help. Ask me anything about the relationship because I'm still very hurt by it and venting helps especially if I know understand if this was the true problem and will continue to be in the future. And this is all stuff on my side because I'm willing to get outside perspective on myself and try to be the best I can be, of course she has problems too and I could talk about some if anyone really wanted to know so they could judge the situation better, I'm just not so sure she is willing to put in the work that I am. Thanks in advance ❤