Hi. 
I'm 24(F) and have been diagnosed with bipolar 1 &amp; CPTSD. 

I've been hospitalized about 8-10 times, attempted maybe 7 times, and have gone through many different periods of manic &amp; depressive episodes that have caused me to lose jobs, hyper sexual with people I shouldn't have been, been stuck in abusive relationships. The classic signs of depression (inability to take care of self, any sort of routine) are pretty much my default. An example is I usually never take out my contacts, I go weeks without doing so which I'm aware is me risking an infection. 

I'm going back to therapy because I missed too many appointments (3 in 6 months) and so I was dropped by my last one. 

I been on and off medication since I was 13, including wellburtin, prozac, zoloft, &amp; mood stabilizers I'm unaware of how to spell. 

I'm truly terrified to go on medication because of the inability I have to maintain a routine, the possible side effects, and because I believe it'll make it much easier for me to impulsively attempt suicide. (Most of my suicide attempts were overdose) 

I'm not sure what to do but I'm scared and I don't like how I'm living. I feel hopeless and with every moment I want to improve my life, I can't tell if it's genuine or if I'm just going through another manic episode and I'll crash. I feel I have so much potential but it's like I'm playing catch up with life and I'm far too behind to get anywhere. When I feel like I have it takes so much work and I start over again and again..

It's terrifying to me feeling like in a matter of a day to a week times, I can feel entirely different and self sabotage my entire life. I don't trust myself but I'm also terrified of medication. 


TLDR: I have bipolar 1 &amp; cptsd. I'm scared of myself and medication, feel that it's too risky regarding self effects and the possibility I feel I will attempt with them. Main reason why I'm not on meds is because I feel I will overdose on them eventually. I just need some insight and maybe stories of hope it'll get better. I'm so scared of living.