My father left my mother and me when I was born. Due to him, I have like ten stepsiblings because he couldn't keep his fucking dick in his pants, while my mom was pregnant with me and trying to clean the house, cook etc. and waiting for him (she knew what he did). After that my mother used to abuse me mentally and physically when I wasn't "cute" and "friendly", anymore like I was when I was around three years old. She used to hit me whenever she could. Wether If I had a different opinion (She called that being naughty) than her, discussed with her or simply didn't smile. I stopped smiling when I enrolled elementary school. She also used to hit me when I had bad grades and always used to put me down ("Why can't you be like (that specific student) ??!". She always told me I was fat and need to exercise more. I was bullied mentally in elementary school. I never smiled, I never spoke. Everbody hated me for no reason. My grandparents where no help, they always asked me stop annoying my mum because she already has it "hard" enough. I cried so much during that time. Nobody helped me. I was all alone. I just wished for someone to save me from that much agony. But nobody came. Due to being bullied (and as a result having bad grades) I never enrolled high school. But at the different school, I had my first best friend... and my first time where my inner demons lashed out. I felt so deeply betrayed and so much anger, I couldn't stop myself from what happened. Police came to our house and asked me, If I want to go to mental hospital or just go with them. Of course I choosed mental hospital. My mom was shocked (she thought my condition came from the connection with that character I had during that time. That character was a huge support for me during that time, It might sound weird, but finally I had the feeling of somewhat "being understood".. but .... my mom tried to take away even that from me ...) she said that she didn't knew about anything I am doing in my room and that I never talk with her about my problems. Sure I don't. She always judging me, even calling me a damn psychopath for liking that specific character and other insults.

Now I am 24. People tried to send me death threats and even said, they thought about "killing me", because nobody likes me anyway. Dickheads tried to beat the shit out of me, for behaving differently than them (I don't enjoy nightclubs where they play that stupid pop shit, whoring around or other bs than that) which almost awoke my inner demon all over again. Found out that I enjoy SM. Had two relationships where my boyfriends stopped caring and didn't give a shit about me. Was almost raped. Still having no damn job and living from the money of my state. And to that: I fell in love with a dude who is nicer than my mom, is caring and sweet aaaaand has a relationship. Great... just great. I feel like nobody loves me. I can say I am a very kind and caring person. I am able to love very deeply but nobody wants that love. Is it because I am ugly? Because I am to "easy". I am just tired of it and want to give my inner demon the upper hand of my personality. Atleast my demon is the only one who seems to wants the best for me and can't see me hurting any longer...

Sorry for that rambling. I just think I am going insane.