\[31m\] I have had depression for all of my life, have tried medications here and there but have been off medication for 3-4 years now and I've been managing mostly.   


Since I entered my 30s I've felt more sure of myself and more confident but as I look around at my life I start to feel shame for what my depression and anxiety has robbed from me for all those years of my twenties. A few months back I was on my way home from the bar and a deer jumped out in front of my car, there was minimal damage to my car but while I was on the phone with my insurance company a lovely cop rolled up and decided to book me for a DUI. This event has already been bad enough for my mental health but since that event I only have driving privileges to go to work and thats basically it.   


This has really helped me learn who my true friends are, I live maybe 40 minutes away from most of my friends, and not once have any of them offered to come here to hang, or to pick me up and let me stay there. Im basically a man on an island where I live now, the few friends that I have do live closer to me are also in their 30's and just always busy. I try and make plans with them and they are either working, studying, or having date night with their gfs/wives. Im decently attractive and it seems the only people who are willing to hangout with me are girls I meet on dating apps that im not really into, and I dont feel comfortable using them to go out when I dont have feelings for them.   


I guess its just getting harder and harder, interacting with people who seemingly always have stuff going on in their life, I have friends who are going to visit ppl they know in other states, or attending weddings, I dont even know anyone well enough that would let me stay at their place, and seemingly none of my friends are getting married or if they are I wasn't on the invite list. I already felt as if I was behind in life because of all the nights my anxiety kept me in, or from texting ppl to hangout from fear of rejection or being in an environment I wasn't comfortable in.   


Now I just feel like my life is a still lake, I work from home, finish my shift, maybe go for a walk around my street, cant drive anywhere, every week I look forward to the weekend, just for a plan to fall through and im left at home in my house where I always am. I guess the only good thing that has come from the painful couple of months is that I am so close to killing myself that it is almost freeing, if I do go out, I will introduce myself to girls, get rowdy, I guess I just realized, im not happy with my life and if I keep doing the same things im going to get the same outcomes, I was living like I was already dead, but tbh were only on this rock once, and no one can say anything worse to me than the negative self talk I say to myself on a daily basis. Thank you for listening, I really appreciate it.