I want to die so badly. I’m an awful person and I don’t deserve to live. But I know my parents would be heartbroken. But I can’t live knowing what a failure I am. I was a smart, happy kid. Now I’m nothing. I’m useless. I will never be happy because I physically can’t be happy. All I feel is numb. I will never achieve my dreams. I’m on a destructive downward spiral and I don’t care because I know I’m not going to last much longer. I stopped cleaning my room, now I can’t even sleep in it because it’s so messy and covered in laundry I haven’t put away and food wrappers. I haven’t even put clean sheets on my mattress. I’ve been sleeping on the couch the last week. I have barely any money left and I keep wasting it on stupid video games just for a millisecond of fleeting something. It’s not even happiness. It’s just not numbness. I’m going to therapy but I’m going to have to stop soon since I can’t afford it. No one knows how bad my mental state is, not even my therapist. I tell him I’m working on myself and doing better but I’m not. I just don’t want him to know how hopeless I am. I’ve thought about checking myself into a mental hospital because I want help, but I don’t let myself tell anybody because I don’t deserve help. Whenever someone asks if I’m ok I just tell them “yeah I’m fine.” and they drop it. I’ve started beating myself both as punishment for who I am and what I’ve let my life become, and just to feel something. Anything… I have no job, no life outside my house. No girlfriend, nobody I can confide in. I’ve looked up how to become a human test subject in hopes I might die in some medical experiment, but unfortunately those are very safe apparently. The only thoughts in my head are how I deserve to die. If I go out and see a car I want to jump in front of it. I want someone to shoot me. I’m not even sad writing this. I don’t feel anything anymore. I’m nothing. I just want to be free.