Everyday I struggle with “ideation.” I don’t feel good enough. I can’t find my niche. I feel like everyone secretly hates me. Most times I’m ignored. And when I find someone decent I always end up some how ruining the relationship. This week has also been hard for me. Even when people are nice to me it’s like I forget about those good moments and focus on the negative and how much of a shitty person I am. 
Literally, music and art has kept me going. I’m sad though because I feel like I don’t get noticed that much by it. And I’ve been afraid to expand. I look on social media and people I know have thousands of friends and hundreds of likes and I have hardly anything. I start to think maybe my music is bad or my writing is bad. But I watched a video the other day about how not everything I do is going to be for everyone. 
It just makes me sad when people gravitate towards people I know. And they are just so cool and awesome but I’m like the third wheel. So even when people do show me attention I feel like I don’t deserve it. 
This past week has been super rough on me emotionally for a lot of reasons. But I also just feel really blah. I keep wondering if I’m ever going to get anywhere in life. I feel like I’m a late bloomer when it comes to a lot of things. And I’ve become more of a loner now. I used to have more friends when I was a kid but then I started to believe that I was not good enough. I got bullied really bad also. Kind of an unstable home life. It’s just been hard. I hate nagging. But im glad this exists so that I can talk about it to people who may actually want to listen most people just turn their back.

What helps me through this is thinking of things I love and imagining not being able to do that again. I love singing and making music, writing poems and stories. I appreciate my art. And it gives me joy. Thinking of not seeing the worlds beauty again helps me appreciate my life and the things I have yet to explore. Just because one day is bad doesn’t mean the next will be.