This is so embarrassing but I have been really struggling with not losing control when i’m feeling attacked. Earlier today i was trying to present an idea i had, i wasn’t looking for criticism or to argue, i knew the idea wasn’t possible and stated that but just wanted to tell my family my idea. they immediately started telling me it was silly, impossible, kept trying to explain why it wasn’t possible and wouldn’t listen when i kept saying i know that, i was never presenting it as a possible idea etc.. they didn’t get that and totally dismissed everything i was saying because to them the idea was stupid and impossible therefore there is no use in listening to it. i got increasingly more and more frustrated and nobody was listening or understanding. my sister started taking it personally and getting defensive when it was NEVER about her ever and never involved her so i’m confused how it got taken in a way for her to become upset. anyways, she started getting hyped up and that was triggering me more and then they started calling me toxic, started saying i shouldn’t be upset and i told them i wasn’t looking for criticism or arguing over my idea and they said then don’t present it if you don’t want that and that frustrated me more because wtf i can’t talk about something without being criticized ??? eventually i just lost it and started screaming, my sister then started screaming back at me and that pushed me further and she kept saying yeah keep screaming get that out keep going and i threw my journal, she said i have something wrong with me (yeah i have mental illness obviously) and then told me i need to leave this house that i basically don’t belong here.. i’ve heard this from my dad too. 

i cried a lot, i has 0 support. my dad was arguing with me too and doesn’t get why i was upset and says i started it. my brother is the only one who didn’t get involved but sat and listened and observed and after he told me i didn’t start it and he comforted me and validated me and told me he understands entirely why i was upset and that they were wrong and my dad kept trying to come he to my room to argue more or “apologize” but his apology was “i’m sorry you feel like that” not sorry for what he did. he eventually admitted he was wrong to argue when i kept saying i wasn’t looking to debate my idea and said even though he knows he’s wrong he will basically continue to do that because it’s stupid to expect him not to give his opinion on everything i present i guess. 

i am not excusing my screaming and freaking out but i am untreated and don’t know how to cope yet and i don’t have the support and safe space i need. my family loves me but they know nothing about BPD and i just don’t think they ever will. i’m so frustrated and i feel so entirely alone, i have my brother but that only goes so far and he’s younger so i feel pathetic being like this...