

So I have a lot to vent about and I need some support and advice if you have it. I have a lot to talk about so this will be a very long post. To everyone that tries to help and reads and comments on this I really want to thank you and appreciate it. Again this will be a long vent and advice post. 

I first want to start by explaining what I’ve been dealing with and diagnosed with. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists since I was 8 years old. I’m not almost 30. I have been diagnosed recently (a few years ago) with schizophrenia, depersonalization derealization disorder, OCD, PTSD (stemming from my childhood and teenage years), and I have autism. It’s very hard for me to understand what’s real and what’s not. I struggle with people not understanding me and what how these things affect me. I often ask many questions, and to most them seem outlandish, weird and unlikely. Most of my worries and fears are things most people never think about. A lot of people online often make fun of me and say I’m dumb and uneducated, even though I love learning and I did graduate both high school and university (I studied Cyber Security). When I tell them I have schizophrenia and mental health issues they say to “get over it” or something similar. 

I  feel as if being alive isn’t worth it anymore.  I pretty much always feel this way. Especially when I get too many worries all in my mind at once. I can’t enjoy anything and I worry about everything. Even when good things happen like a vacation, or getting something new that I was previously excited about. I just want to feel and be “normal” like most other people. 

I want to go on a talk about something I worry about a lot and have worried about since I was young. I have had many problems with worrying about everything, and I have also had problems with my appetite and eating and getting out of the house, socializing and other things in life. I usually stay home alone in my room all day, everyday. When I was younger I got my first Apple device and it was an iPod. I loved it and I went everywhere with it and I think I formed some sort of association to Apple products in general, as I was fascinated by them. Because when I was growing up and was a teenager I had some Apple products like the iPods and my life was better back then and I always enjoyed using those devices and I remember the experiences and what was going on in my life when I had those Apple devices. Fast forward to now and when I use my iPhone I am always in a better mood, I leave my house more, and my physical and mental health feel better. I just overall feel better for some strange reason. I know from a physical standpoint the difference between using an iPhone and not using one isn't really there. Is there a reason why I associate these things and with using an Apple device like an iPhone and why it makes me feel better physically and mentally? My appetite gets better, I become more social and I just seem to love life a lot more for some really strange reason. I have always had a preference for using iPhones. I have studied cyber security at my university so I am really enthusiastic about technology. However I have struggled with having preferences and feeling like my own independent person. Ever since I was young I would worry about something happening to my Apple device and never being able to have one or afford again in the future, or being able to replace it. This is the reason why I switch between using my iPhone and using an Android device. I don't want anything bad to happen to my iPhone. So I use the Android phone and when I'm using it for some weird reason my mind changes, and I start worrying more and not being able to think things through properly, and I don't eat well or at all for a long period of time sometimes, and I just feel physically and mentally worse than if I actually use the iPhone. Also when using the Android device I don't want to get out as much and I just stay home more. My therapist doesn't really give me any feedback or suggestions on what and why this happens. I know this is strange and weird. I pretty much worry about my phone 24/7. 

A lot of people try telling me that low income or poor people can’t afford or get a new iPhone. I just want to know that there are ways to always be able to afford a new iPhone (even if an older model, as long as it’s new and not used or refurbished as I am afraid that used and refurbished iPhones would have unsafe third party parts that contain lasers or are just unsafe in general). They say people that people that aren’t rich can’t afford an iPhone. That there’s no way poor or low income people can afford an iPhone. That it’s impossible. I just want to know that there will always be multiple ways of buying and affording or getting a new iPhone whether through a prepaid carrier deal, saving up money, Black Friday deals, a payment plan, Apple's upgrade program or Apple Card monthly payments, help from family. 

I want to matter and feel like I can have preferences and prefer iPhone. I want to always be able to have and use one, both now and in the future. I worry constantly that outlandish things would damage my iPhone (like being near a chemical bottle at the store or something). I want to be happy and not worry about everything. This is just some of the things I constantly worry about, unfortunately. If you read this, thank you. Do you have any thoughts, advice or opinions? It’s very greatly appreciated and thank you so much.