I'm not sure what to do. I feel so sad and tormented all the time. I'm trying so fucking hard to fix myself and build opportunities and relationships around me but every time I just spend hours beating myself up for tiny probably unnoticed notions, doing the wrong thing and all I can hear in my head is that everyone hates me. I feel sick to my stomach with myself, I just want to do the right thing, I just want to be happy, but all I can fucking think about all day is hurting myself. I want to isolate myself. It went away for a while but the my head is shouting at me telling me my closest established friends hate me again, giving consistent reasons for me to cut the whole thing and I'm believing it. I'm being overpowered by my head again and I'm gonna lose myself and everyone I've been trying to build around me. I almost started to get myself back again. I'm so fucking tired of being sad , I'm gonna fuck everything up, I can't resist it, I'm so scared. Nothing scares me like my head does. I don't know why I'm fucking writing here like the world gives a shit anyway, I'm so scared, I'm in so much fucking pain and torment yet no one can feel it but me and it hurts so bad. I'm losing my connection with reality again. I'm just sinking. I don't know what's true or not anymore the line is very thin. I want to scream. I want to cease to exist. I don't give a fuck anymore. And you know what I feel so fucking pathetic . I'm so angry I'm so tired, I'm so angry I was raised in such a neglectful and demeaning way that's fucked my ability to function normally forever. All I can do is fight it.