So to give a bit of context we had a text argument on November 19th regarding a conversation we had 19 days before about account to account bank transfers. 
-she (professionally diagnosed with BPD) sent me a really hostile text about doing transfers out of the blue 19 days after we talked about it in person. 
-I tried to defuse things, which I totally regret because every single thing I said made it worse so I told her I was going to block her texts because talking was not productive and I really needed the space.
-I blocked her calls and texts
- I did not block her on FB messenger (we use often)
-she did not try to send messages via FB (so I'm pretty sure I'm proud of her for!) 
- I have not spoke to her since this argument other than 9 days after sending her a FB message just to let her know that I still need space but I'm still her friend, I still love and care about her, and I'm not abandoning her.
-she sent 1 reply saying "hey thx for this" (and nothing else so I think that's a positive!!?) 

TLDR: feel free to use the above as a TLDR and give your thoughts and opinions based on that, all input highly appreciated!!

So I was/am at a loss of how to deal with things between us because for a good while prior it seemed like every single thing I did around her made her angry but she is going through a really hard time right now. 
I spend hours writing and rewriting this message and now I'm super worried it's too ranting and/or too harsh and that there is going to be a serious fall out when she reads it.

So any thoughts on what to do or if this was okay or just any thoughts at all about the situation are highly appreciated!!


"Hey I've been wanting to call or at least message for a really long time now but every time I think about I get totally overwhelmed. I know you're going through a really tough time right now and I want to be there for you I just don't know what to do. I frequently feel like I'm not enough for you, and I can understand stand that. I'm not a great point in my own life right now so my mental and emotional resources are quite limited, I'm doing my best to be a good friend and I'm sorry I can't give you more, I just haven't got any more in me to give right now and it makes it really hard to know what to do regarding our friendship because I feel like I am letting you down every time we speak. 

I feel very guilty about needing so much space but I needed enough time to get myself together. I don't know how to act around you or talk to you right now and I constantly feel like I am annoying or irritating you. I feel like the mom on a PG movie that really wants her teenage daughter to like her and just doesn't get why she suddenly hates every thing I do, not saying that's how it is but that's just how I've been feeling. 

I also feel like I am being used as a bit of punching bag which for me is starting to feel like a pattern between us. I don't know if that's the reality of the situation or if I am truly making life harder on you, that's just how it feels from my perspective. If I am making things harder on you I am sorry and would love to talk about it so I can avoid it going forward! :)


 I understand you've got a lot on your plate at the moment but I am not okay with being treated the way I feel I'm being treated and regardless of what's at the root of of it is really important to me that we sort things out because its been hurting me deeply and I doubt it's been great for you either. It has been making me feel nervous to be around you because I don't want to upset you and I have no idea what's going to upset you or when it's going to happen. 

I had been feeling like this for the last while before we stopped talking and I'm sorry for not saying anything sooner, I should have. I didn't because I didn't want to stress you out or hurt your feelings when you already had a lot on your plate and if I'm totally honest because I was chicken. For a while it was quite easy to brush things aside and just say "it's just stress and not MJ". I do still think that is true but I have also gotten to a point where I can't just ignore it and let it go amymore. Over time my thick skin has worn down and I am feeling quite hurt and stressed. 

For me this most recent thing has made things extra hard because to me it was quite extreme and has amplified the things that made me nervous before it happened. There are two reasons why it feels extreme to me 1) it seemed  like you were intentionally texting to start an argument and from your texts it seems that you were completely aware of how your texts were going to come off and that they were written with the intention of being upsetting and starting an argument . For me intentionally starting an argument with someone is a truly massive boundary to cross and it makes me feel very unsafe in our friendship. This is something I am particularly sensitive to because of the unpredictability of my mother's anger and I can not have that constant feeling or dread and worry in my life.


 2) it felt extreme for me because the topic was something that happen weeks before. I picked up on the "frustration" as you called it from the very first text and was really caught off guard and hurt by it. We had that conversation about banking at the library opening 19 days before that text conversation. I sensed you were irritated with me at the library but at the time that felt normal and I had no idea you were so angry about it and that you had held onto it for 2 days shy of 3 weeks.  I'm not bringing up the specifics to shame you or be a dick or to make you feel bad but to explain that this is also a big part of why I have needed so much space and really don't know what to do or how to go forward. It makes me feel like I am always going to be walking on eggshells with you and that I'll always need to brace myself for sudden fall out that can happen at any time.

I say that because I genuinely thought that was a relevant and potentially useful comment, I was used to feeling like everything I said annoyed you but I didn't think twice about it because I chalked it all up to stress like I had been for a while. I think/thought account to account transfers are a thing in Canada, if they're not they're not and I'm wrong and that's fine. I only said something because you were talking about wishing they were a thing so it seemed relevant and potentially helpful to let you know I was pretty sure they were. So for me I dont/didn't understand how or when such a small question with a yes or no answer became such a source of animosity and it makes me very stressed thinking that I'll never know if or when something like this is going to happen again.

I was already feeling quite nervous around you and constantly worried about  upsetting you and now I'm at a point where I really just don't know how to be around you. I want to be there for you but it seems that I am either genuinely making things more stressful for you or being used as a punching bag and I'm not okay with either of those things.  I'm scared going forward because I now feel like I have no idea when I'm stressing you out or irritating you and when something may come back and cause problems, which makes me feel like I'm not emotionally safe in our friendship because I'll never know when an old conversation that seemed totally normal is going to come back as some sort of argument or when something I say is going to upset you. 

I want things to be lovely and peachy keen between us but I really just don't know what to do."