Good evening everyone. I’m here today because there’s something that’s been on my mind for the entire year and I’m progressively starting to realize it will be here soon as the months pass. Today was Christmas Day and it was the usual for my family every year but the moment everything was over, I remembered that I’m leaving in 12 days to begin my studies. Now, I know that may seem like exciting news which it certainly is as I’ve asked for it many many times as an awkward teenager looking for a purpose but now that it’s finally here, I’m scared. Maybe even depressed. 

To provide a little more context to this situation, I’ll tell you a little bit about myself.  Growing up, I certainly didn’t have the best life but not the worst by any measure of the imagination. Working class family, our good times when we could make it that way, working near-full time as early as I could, poor grades in school, intellectual disabilities and a lack of a social life until this present day. I had my fair share of problems but as I got into my early teens, I knew I wanted better and I wanted to make a difference in the world. I never really had a lot of friends so it led me to seeking out knowledge to fill that void. I read and watched documentaries a lot, developed obscure interests for someone my age at the time and was always thinking about what’s going on outside the towns I lived in. 

As I got older, I started to do poorly in school, struggled with mental health issues, I became more angry and depressed from not fitting in, I skipped class a lot and did poorly in my relationships. By age 17 I was a mess with a crap load to do still with high school, mentally unstable and was dependent on my parents. I wasn’t doing well at all. This continued for another year until I decided to apply for social assistance at 18 to give a shot at living on my own. For the first couple of weeks, it was going alright. I was working, going to school, my girlfriend of 4 years was a great outlet for support and social interaction, etc. it all changed when she left. Long story short I was homeless in a few months from dropping out of high school which caused me to lose my social assistance and I lost my job. I was depressed and I felt like it was over for me. I only lived half an hour away from my parents and I was a disaster. 

A few months later, I met a girl who wasn’t the best influence on me and she got me into smoking and weed when I was at my lowest. I don’t blame her because I just see it as a wrong place at the wrong time situation. I never did any substances in my life and I was a clean cut guy. Ties, sweaters, leather shoes, nice hair, etc. Within a few months I was smoking 2 packs a day and within a year I was smoking an ounce of weed in less than a week and I barely took care of myself. I was a shell of what I used to be. A husk without a purpose. 

My dreams were gone and I just did that for the next 2 years while working every crappy job I could keep. I gave up and was planning on just working there for the rest of my life. However, one day that changed and I decided to go back to school. I graduated. At age 20, it was a year of work and trying to fight addiction after that. I wanted my old life back and I’m still chasing it to this day. I wish I could be that 17 year old again. 

This summer I got sober and I applied for college in pursuit of university. I was so excited and still am. It felt like my life was going to be back to normal. I wouldn’t have gotten here without my one friend, my family and the many supportive professional figures in my life. This may seem all good but it’s not completely.

While a good future is on the way, there’s one thing that’s been keeping me up at night. I’m going to have to say goodbye to everything I’ve ever known. A grandpa I might not see again as he’s not doing well, my parents, siblings, my friends and the childhood home I’ve always known. Everything that’s made me into the man I am today is saying goodbye to me and I can’t help but cry on the inside about it. I’ve always wanted normalcy and to make my mother proud but it feels like it’s the end of an era in my life. I asked for a new life so many times but now that it’s here, I’m afraid. 

As pathetic as it sounds, I’ve depended a lot on my parents because I’ve made a lot of mistakes. They’ve helped me get this far at 22 years of age and I’m not sure what I’ll do in the cold world out there. That comfort, support, reassurance, warmth and positivity from my family. It will all be gone and I’ll be all alone to fend for myself after 4 years of uncertainty and failure. I’m scared to fail, be alone, isolated in an even more unforgiving place and time, making the wrong choices and I don’t know who I am. Everything will be gone but I can’t do anything about it. I’m determined to be something. I want a good life but making my mom’s wish of doing better for myself as she told me lots of times growing up is much more important to me more than I can comprehend. It wasn’t a perfect life but it was mine. Now it’s time for a new one and for a new period of uncertainty. I know this was long but if anybody finishes reading this I just want to say thanks for giving a guy like me your time and thoughts.