Do you feel like when you are struggling with sad and hopelessness you can only replace it with anger? Like I couldn't will myself to be happy/cheerful, but I could will myself to be enraged and partake in unacceptable behavior instead. I could lay in bed and cry or I could sit and think horrible mean things about those around me.

I feel like I did this for all of 2021. While I was very sad and hopeless, I instead channeled it into being an awful, violent, and irredeemable person while also abusing substances. Like if I was sad, I wanted everyone else to be sad. I was hurt, therefore I want other people to hurt. I've reigned this in and tried to  be better to other people, but it can be a challenge when it's especially bad. And lately I have been in a horrible mental space, trying to keep it contained to just me. It feels like no one else wants to hear about it and I know it's no one else's responsibility to care for me or deal with my mental health crises.

Tips on how to deal? Experiences? Struggles? Help lol. Sorry if the flair is wrong.