I wish I could get pushed to the point of no return, to find the optimal point at which I'm throwing the least productive and valued version of myself away. The point where I have the least number of people affected if I die. I'm not even living for myself, I haven't been for years - I'm just trying to hold on long enough to outlive my parents. Antidepressants don't work, but alcohol does. Part of me is hoping I get some kind of fatal liver disease for a more socially acceptable death. Another part hopes that my depression gets bad enough that I ignore how much it would hurt those around me if I die. For now I'm stuck waiting and suffering. 7 years of 4+ therapists and various medications with minimal results. The most humane thing at this point would be if euthanasia was legal, but it's not. I'll hold on for as long as I can, but I wish I could just disappear of my own accord.