I’m currently at work trying to push down all of the crap that if coming up. I’m trying not to cry but it seems that I’m right before an anxiety attack. It’s frustrating because I can’t just hide away and have a bad day. I have to put on a fake smile and pretend. 

I’ve been struggling with sobriety. Im struggling to keep my home clean or even care for myself. All I want to do is sleep and get dunk or high. I feel like I’m failing with my life. I can’t afford rent because I’m not able to work enough hours. I can’t go to school because I’m required to discontinue for a year. Im trying to lose weight because I gained so much during this stupid lockdown. I have no friends. I don’t do anything except sleep and work. I can feel my life falling apart but it feels like I can’t catch it

Im going to addiction counselling but they’re on vacation. Im trying to get mental health counselling but they won’t let me without going through the additions counsellor. I already tried twice. I have been eating nothing but junk to try and raise my mood enough to get out of bed but it doesn’t help. The binging actually ends up making me feel worse. 

I can’t talk to anyone and it’s really hard. I haven’t felt this alone in so long. Im still able to fight the suicidal thoughts but they’re getting really strong and I’m trying not to cope with self harm. It’s frustrating because I’m better than I once was but I’m still not normal. I feel like a major failure because I don’t know how to cope with my own feelings. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Im at the point where I am ready to run away and start over away from all the people who end up making me feel worse. I know it probably won’t help but I can dream right?