
I was doing really good this past month, managing my mental health for what seemed like the first time in my life. I’ve been taking my meds, studying, getting sleep, doing things I enjoy, implementing boundaries, avoiding self-destructive behaviours.. I feel so pathetic for saying this next part but I’m not exactly sure who to reach out to or what to do anymore. 

Last night I swallowed about 9 Advils after taking my meds. I knew that 9 pills would do barely anything but give me a mild stomach ache, yet I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. So I did it. I couldn’t do it for years and I felt like a coward, so I came to peace with it last night. I swallowed all of them in about 2 goes and went to bed. I had bad stomach cramps and tossed and turned all night, and woke up just feeling really light headed and tired. I didn’t cry, I didn’t really feel scared.. just super numb. And I still feel numb. 
 
Today I am floating out of body with no desire to get out of my bed. I feel stuck because for a while I felt like I could move forward and be strong, now I feel so weak and small. The worst part is I don’t regret my actions. I feel like I could do it again but way worse. And maybe this was just an action of courage, of proof I could actually end myself without stopping. I feel bad for my thoughts but they’re always there like a constant reminder of who I am and what overtakes me. I want to change but I don’t know how. And I’m so tired.