When all your passions have left you and you always found a purpose in being creative, how do you get it back? How do you get the fulfillment back? What are low effort creative things, hobbies and easy to dive into stuff that I can do to take my mind away from the thoughts that are bothering me? I don't see a point in anything anymore. 
I game every now and then, but I don't see a point. I have a hard time watching a full length movie without company. There's no real nature in my country to go to and take my mind off of things either. 
I go from not being able to think about what's bothering me (like, it completely blocks off at some point these days) to crying my eyes out and no one understands. I can't share it anymore, because I don't want to bother. Yesterday I punched my head so hard, my ears started ringing. Atleast that gives a bit of relieve. 
I feel I have no one in the living world who's looking forward to be in my company (and I understand, can't blame them, I wouldn't want to be with me either). I want to be with the ones in the afterlife, with my four legged friends, they're the ones who never deceived my trust and who would understand me without the use of spoken words. People are mean and selfish 9 out of 10.