I haven't had a proper friend group since elementary school. For as long as I can remember, no one really stuck by and I was always alone. Over the years, whenever I decided to stopped trying, my friends never bothered to reach out and the friendship faded away.

I have two friends now and...feel the same cycle happening again. During the pandemic and even as lockdown has gradually lifted, it was always me who reached out, initiated safe-distanced meet-ups and checked in on them.

Definitely have not gotten used to this because my anxiety is acting up and I know I'll lose them the moment I stop. But I'm so tired of trying. I can't convince myself otherwise that they'll realise our friendship has faded (or that I have disappeared). 

I do wonder if this is karma, that I must have done something so horrendous to people in my past life; this loneliness and perpetuity of chasing after people is my penance. 

What should I do? How do I process this in a healthy manner?