The significant other and I had a fight that was not as big or explosive as usual. He was angry I didn’t tell him I made plans to see friends; he’s been sick the last few days, and as much as I’ve tried to make sure there’s water / medicine around and that he’s comfortable, he hasn’t wanted much to eat (so he didn’t need to me cook for him) and all he wanted to do was watch TV. Totally fine when you have a fever. I was just going to go out for 2-3 hours to sit in the sun with friends at a park 8 minutes bike ride away.

But, true, I didn’t mention to him that I was considering it until I told him I was heading out. I read this book recently, High Conflict Couple, which was weirdly significant for me. It’s not that there’s anything particularly earth shattering or that I maybe haven’t considered, but it was an entirely different thing to see it there and validated, multiple times. To read their examples of how fights happen, and what’s underneath. 

So when he got angry and argued, accused me of being selfish and not caring about him, I didn’t take it as personally as I would have in the past. I was calm and trying to talk to him. The thing is he knows what I look like when triggered. And he pushed and pushed anyway, until I started to cry (although quietly compared to how I can be) so that he could sneer and go “Classic response”.

And even though I know how insulting it is, I still didn’t really....react. I eventually left and saw those friends. Felt happy with them. They talked to me about him, played card games, I went home. 
SO immediately wanted to snuggle and go into the bubble of “everything is fine because close contact says it is”. 

He has been sick for four days now. He really is ill. I should be....more worried. More attentive. But I feel just like I’m on autopilot. I’m doing the minimum needed, but without any of the real love or concern I’d probably offer someone else.

Last night while we were sleeping, he was curled up into me. He hasn’t done that in months. I used to complain to him that since we moved to this apartment, he doesn’t like snuggling in bed with me anymore, whereas the first six months we were together it was messy, dogpile-style sleeping all the time, and I loved it. I should have been so happy that he snuggled again last night. But I don’t really feel anything.

I’ve felt numb in the past, but with this I’m not depressed (thinking of ways out) and I’m still mostly getting things done. I’m not entirely happy either. More like...quietly resigned.

It’s a weird feeling. I kind of hope it stays. It’s certainly better than swinging from end to end of the emotional spectrum. But it feels odd not caring about people in the same way. Have barely spoken to my FP (that is also a complicated story)- just sent one text, “Happy 4th of July”, in reply to theirs. Normally this kind of loss of contact would make me upset or at least try to reach out. But....there’s just nothing, where all of this invested emotion used to be. I guess I’m curious to see if they will contact me again. In a lot of ways it was a loss that’s been a long time coming, and maybe this is just the nicer way to do it- fade out, instead of fight to keep a connection that can’t hold up any longer.

It’s weird, right? To feel somewhat satisfied about all the things where I can demonstrate to myself that I do not care?