My parents are getting older. We are poor and I just live in a constant fear of illness like cancer or dementia or a sudden heart attack, etc. I am so afraid of losing them sometimes it just consumes my entire day. I worry my siblings are going to get into an accident or something horrible is going to happen to my pets and it is such an exhausting cycle. 

At this point, there is a part of me that really fucking hopes I die before another person in my life can. It makes me almost suicidal. I can be a very avoidant person and the one thing I can’t just ignore is a death. Sometimes it can be so goddamn consuming. Honestly sometimes I wonder if it’s possible I have OCD. It’s just so hard for me not to think about some days