I completely disconnected from being social/dating/talking to people for nearly a year and as much as I was stagnating, it was fucking wonderful because so many of my BPD symptoms disappeared. Deciding to live ‘meaningfully’ and reengage with life was a horrible mistake. I am back to having full blown BPD episodes and self harming. I constantly feel like I am too much. My emotions, my trauma, my pain and struggle...what kind of idiot actually wants to take that on? Even worse is when I feel like my happiness and passion is equally unwanted and overwhelming. 

I thought I was finding people who understood me, people who I could be open and honest with and I was deluding myself. I’m toxic and an emotional mess and showing others who I am has made is painfully clear that people can’t handle me. I am too much. I can’t expect anyone to else to be near me, because if I had a choice I certainly wouldn’t be. 

I hate myself. I don’t want to be here. I did the DBT, I took the medications, and at this point, it isn’t even my mental illness, it’s just me. I need to just accept it and stop inflicting myself on others.