Since beginning of middle school I have been feel so upset and didn't wanted to do anything i felt lost and hopeless. There was one time where my friends were in a lower place tham mine in ski. I tried to support them so they wont be that sad anymore and i felt so incredibly guilty. What if i where in a lower place than them, then they would be better. I felt so ashamed and guilty that i thought the whole night about it. I was probaly over dramatic but i felt so guilty. I almost always feel this way even writing this is hard for me bc i think that im waste of your time and it is probaly irrelevant. I have been betrayed very often and had a two toxic "friend" one of them ruined my social life, blackmailed me, used me and so on and the other toxic friend did the same but worse. I also have sucidal thoughts and everytime i see something that i could kill myself with I'm always thinking "what if". I am also getting bullied at school but i if i tell the teacher everyone would hate me more and the teacher wouldn't even care. I dont wanna that my parents know about this bc i dont really trust them and i fear that they will judge me and say that i have a great life that i should be grateful for. I actually fear everyone that will judge me. Like one time i had to do a presentation biology and i remembered everything but when i was in front of my class, it was like if i was paralyzed. I couldn't talk i could do nothing it was like having a inner panic attack but outside i couldn't do anything. I'm shaking while writing this. Since i got betrayed the second time i didnt trust anyone anymore. I personally think that i have some mental health issues but I should never self diagnose myself. What do you think that i might have. If  yes pls tell me how i can cope with those things but i dont wanna go to a therapist or Psychologist or what so ever bc my parents will know about it.And other people have it worse than me how can i be so selfish.