I have been having intense suicidal ideation the past couple days and I don't know how to stop it. I have had suicidal ideation and desire to self-harm since middle school. In college I was diagnosed with depression which led me to start taking anti-depressants that helped these tendencies stop, but they weren't helpful for me in other areas. This coupled with being diagnosed as borderline led me to go med-free last year and lean more on other therapies (with doctor's blessing oc), which has been going well overall. However this week is bad. I am keeping up with my regular coping mechanisms as much as I can and logically my mood isn't at its worst, but I feel an intense need to end. While I have attempted in the past I've worked through it and feel confident that I won't put any plan into action, but I feel like I can't stop the thoughts. Yesterday I saw a knife in the drawer and I physically twinged from wanting to cut and it scared me. Anything that slightly stresses me out makes  me go into an intense suicidal mode and I feel like I'm cracking. This is my first real ideation in 3 years and I don't know what to do. Please if anyone has any advice I just need help. I don't want to die and I don't want to feel this way but it's consuming me.