I can't live without you . You were my everything. Why, after 4 months am I feeling this despair STILL? I didn't know what BPD was until you threw me out and I attempted suicide, was put in a mental hospital for 6 weeks and was told about the illness. If only I'd known. I would have treated you better. I would have made you understand what I was going through. You said you were sick and tired of the mood swings, the medications/ drug abuse, but I never thought you'd actually LEAVE me. You followed through on your threat. You said I was selfish and you hate me. You don't believe in BPD. You took everything from me. My friends, who were your friends first and who you always said were my friends too. But when you threw me out only one person out of all our friends stayed in touch and didn't take sides. The rest dropped me. 

3 years of building a life, a home. You threw me out of my own house. I don't want my furniture but still. That house has ALL my stuff in it. It rips me apart thinking of you with another woman in our beautiful sleigh bed. Do you have another woman? I don't want to know. I do want to know. Is she as loving and as exciting as we were in bed together?  You were the one one in my entire life that I could make love to with my entire body and soul.  I can never have that with anyone else. I don't want it with anyone else. I want you. 

You said I was the love of your life. You'd waited years to find me and you'd never let me go. But you did. How can you just cut me off like that? How can you abandon me and refuse to have anything to do with me? 

I have no life now. I'm living with my parents. I spend the day in bed eating and watching YouTube. I do nothing. Eat, breath, cry, sleep. Repeat.

Why don't you miss me? Why are you not in despair and hollow inside like I am? How can you just carry on? Please love me again. Please accept this diagnosis and try to understand and at least TALK to me. 

I drive through your area almost every day and have panic attacks that I'm going to see you. Happy. Smiling.

I won't kill myself but I want to die. I
 want to just not be here. How can I survive when the love of my life has abandoned me? What do I do? 

I am nothing without you

Edit: PLEASE talk me out of texting this to him. Somebody please help me.