I understand BPD is diagnosed in later years/adulthood, but I’ve had symptoms since before I can remember.

I have flickering memories of R A G I N G when I was about four or five, so badly I would scream and punch myself and kick walls. Neighbors would call the cops. My parents would laugh at me when I would hit myself. Remembering the invalidation makes my skin hot man. 

I remember boiling self hatred, at about eight or nine. I remember always thinking I was fat and disgusting (I wasn’t). 

I remember around 12 or 13 when my mom would take my phone away it devastated me. I would be extremely exhausted after school and was not allowed to nap. My mom would make my sisters and I clean up all of the projects she started and didn’t finish after crashing from adderall. I remember being so overwhelmed, and when I would cry she would laugh at me. I remember always being exhausted and my family making fun of me. I remember how horrible being invalidated and told that my feelings were unjust felt. I remember cutting myself and suicide attempts, unbeknownst to my parents, they never found out until I went to church camp and my mom found my suicide drafts. She called me and I got in trouble. I’m in my twenties and I can’t chalk it up to angst. It was too overwhelming and too real man. 

Looking back I feel like I’ve always had symptoms? I’m wondering how that’s possible. I can definitely say my disorder has manifested over the past couple years. I’ve almost cut everyone off, I no longer have goals, I loathe people, I don’t have a relationship with my estranged mom, I hate working, kind’ve hit a wall. But those feelings have always been there. I have hated being invalidated forever, with overwhelming almost unnatural emotions, self hatred, impulsivity, explosive anger. 

TL;DR any of y’all feel this way?