soo i've had bpd traits my whole life and they started getting really bad when i was 17. i have all the markers, the whole shebang, and a childhood environment perfect for cultivating the disorder, but i'd say it's the quiet type outside of what i'd call "episodes", that's when it gets real loud and disruptive.

i saw my local mental health team maybe end of 2019 or start of 2020, they said i'm most likely suffering from C-PTSD. then i had first episode psychosis last year where the hospital also said i seem to have C-PTSD, and also bipolar! fun stuff! lots of mixed episodes, especially surrounding marijuana abuse. i've learned many times over that stuff is not for me. 

i had a deep depressive episode after my discharge, which is relatively expected after a manic/psychotic episode, but since the start of this year i have been doing a lot better, sticking to a routine, feeling optimistic. btw i have been with my boyfriend since the end of 2019, and i moved in with him around this time last year. he stuck with me through the psychosis, god knows how.

i was just thinking last week how stable and in control i am feeling, but if a life event happened i could completely crumble. well a life event sure happened this weekend.

now that's cleared up, here's the story.

my boyfriend and i go to a party on friday night, we drink and sniff multiple small bumps of ketamine (i promise i don't do stuff like this often). we then walk home at about 2am, talking about how much we love each other and how we're gonna go ham in the bedroom when we go home. that we do. TMI: a combination of alcohol, ket, and this something-caine anaesthetic throat spray i have that stops you from gagging so you can deepthroat, must have allowed him to be really aggressive with that as well as choking because i woke up with the worst case of popped blood vessels i've ever seen, all surrounding my eyes, temple, and neck. this is relevant because i'm so fucking annoyed the messages in question were sent the same night he absolutely obliterated my face!

fast forward to saturday morning. i am feeling very sick. i make him avocado toast and coffee despite this. i walk up to him, he is sitting at his desk. i catch a glimpse at his phone screen. it is a whatsapp conversation with his ex, lets call her Mandy. there is a message from her that reads "love you too (insert petname/nickname for him from when they were together that she still uses to this day) then a red love heart emoji. when he notices i'm standing there, he quickly locks his phone and greets me. i walk away and my heart is beating out of my chest. i try to think how i will approach this. i come back and i do, i'm nervous as FUCK. 

he's like, "i messaged her "love you" last night when i was really drunk. i mean it as friends". and i'm like "okay cool so was that before or after you fucked my throat so hard you burst all my blood vessels?" and he's like "i think i sent it when we were walking home". and i'm like "cool so it was while we were telling each other how much we love each other and describing how we're going to destroy each other when we get home?"

now i do not think he is having an affair with her. he commutes 2.5 hours to work each way 5 days a week, he is always home on time, there is simply no time. this is not about paranoia. i am simply falling apart over the messages i saw in front of me, the facts, and the sheer audacity and disrespect this man has to use the L word with his ex while he's dating someone else, friendly or not.

since then, i have heavily ruminated over this situation in my head, and been reintroduced with the familar BPD splitting, anger, betrayal, and craving to hurt him back, to destroy myself. i decided not to vent to my friends about this, 1. because sometimes talking about things make them worse for me, they just cement them for me, and 2. because i know damn well my friends will be "like girl what the fuck is wrong with him dump his ass". and 3. it is frankly embarrassing that i put up with this shit

trying to communicate with him about this is like talking to a brick wall, a brick wall whose only response is to try to convince me and himself that this is a normal, appropriate, and respectful way to speak to your ex, and also make me feel guilty for not accepting it for what it is.

last night, i was up till 3am while my man slept like a goddamn baby, and i drafted a message to Mandy. the initial message i drafted was extremely scathing, and i refrained, not to spare her feelings, but i considered how embarrassed i'd be if she showed that message to a mutual friend. i rewrote a much nicer message, basically asking what's up with you two, and that i think she'd be unhappy to if he talked with his ex like that while they were together. he left for work early, and when i woke up she had responded at 6:40am, and my boyfriend had texted me at the same time saying she shared the message with him, he's very angry, i should give him space today and we'll talk about it when he gets home.

Mandy's response was like, "yes i would be upset with that too. but he is like a brother to me. and he was very high and he was messaging his 'sister' to tell her he loves her. we have not seen each other in a long time and we don't talk much. i have someone i am fully committed to and he loves you very much. "

and then, just because she could not pass on the opportunity to be a snarky motherfucker, she ended it with "3am is for sleeping."

like okay he's like a brother to you??? don't know about you but my brother has never been inside of me.

anyway the anger is not fucking subsiding. i am splitting mad hard and i wish i had a life for myself, i had savings, so i would have the option to leave him if he actually did cheat on me, and i wish i had somewhere to go to take a break for a few nights. i fucking hate these two right now and it drives me fucking INSANE that he won't accept this behaviour is not appropriate.

i have always had a problem with his woman, but never tried to step in because i know it's just the irrational jealousy in me. i have a problem with her because she's incredibly volatile - which yes same - but it makes her all the more threatening of an ex that is in his life. she's sent him scathing messages out of the blue and then blocked him, then come crawling back asking to be friends, and last year she even accused him of leading her on because he was talking to her despite the fact that he was dating me and he was like "i wasn't flirting i was just trying to do the decent thing and be her friend!!" like okay if i were him i would have learned by now that she is dangerous territory.

this "love you" bullshit just pushed me over the fucking edge. to make matters worse i checked her instagram (it's public woohoo), her posts started from about a week ago and my boyfriend has liked every SINGLE post, a lot of them he is the only 'like' on them, including one where she is topless holding her boobs and showing off her tattoo! and he also has double-liked some using his second meme account that he doesn't even follow me on :)

i would love any input or advice, although i am pretty far convinced these messages are disrespectful to me and unacceptable, i am willing to hear a contradictory opinion.

hope you guys have a good week, thanks for reading :)