I'll try to keep this simple, I've struggled with depression my entire life. Most of my earliest memories are of being around 5yrs old and, not knowing what depression and suicide were, crying myself to sleep wishing I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I'd say I had a good childhood and loving family, to this day I still don't know what "caused" my depression. 

In my teens I started writing poetry and short stories and what not. My writing was ok I guess, but I loved it and it came so easy for me. During this time I also started self mutilating, depression was worse than ever and eventually decided the time had come. I actually practiced hanging myself, I didn't want any mistakes. Ultimately (obviously) I didn't go through with it. I ended up admitting myself into a psychiatric unit and getting help. I was diagnosed as Major Depressive with Stuff Harm Tendencies and Suicidal Ideations. 

Fast forward about 20 years, it's been a long road and even though the depression doesn't control me anymore it's still there. I've accepted that it will never go away and it's just a part of who I am. I am happily married with 2 children and 4 step children and I wouldn't trade them for anything. 

But here's the thing, I've discovered over the years that I can longer write. I have so many ideas but putting pen to paper or sitting down to type literally causes me physical pain, I just can't do it. I want to write, if for nothing other than myself. I want to be able to write like I used to when I was cutting myself and thinking about suicide everyday. I want to be back in that dark place, after all these years the depression is still my safe place, it's the one constant in my life. If go back in a heart beat, no questions, if it meant I could write again. 

So to repeat the question... Is it weird that I want to be depressed like that again? Am I the only one who feels this way?