I've always struggled with my BPD for as long as I could remember. My last relationship drove me into one of the most horrific breakdowns I've ever had. I am ashamed about how I handled that situation, but I am offering myself compassion because I know I can't change that - just who I am and how I react to things moving forward. 

I've been seeing the same psychiatrist for about a year now. He's great, helpful, no issues there. He's also a psychiatrist in this program they call "day hospital", which was group therapy Monday - Friday from 9am-3pm. Since covid, they had to move DH to Zoom, and because of that some people weren't able to attend, so I got a spot sooner than expected! I was  matched with a lovely Therapist I worked with about 2x a week on a live meeting, and 3-4x through email. Having that much support to fall back on was a foreign concept to me, but it felt so nice! We covered topics such as: coping with loss, being assertive, learning about &amp; improving relationships, setting and respecting boundaries, self  care, managing change, negotiation skills, understanding &amp; managing thinking patterns, mindfulness, middle ground, styles of communication, facing fears, maintaining resilience, living with self esteem, patterns/cost/benefit of thinking patterns, motivators, making a request, understanding &amp; managing emotions, strategies for routine, supports, self compassion, saying no, coping with shame, goal setting, living with strength, a pharmacy group, a nutrition group, and 2x a week the last half hour was spent doing some relaxing meditating. I posted all topics we covered in case anyone was curious what some groups include! 

I feel much happier than I did before, but I've still got a long way to go. At least now I feel like I can accomplish these things head on without someone else fighting with/for me. I feel more confident in myself and I've learned to give myself some more self compassion and self love. I know I can do this! 

Now onto the FP.. we had a little fling going but 2 weeks ago they established boundaries and friendzoned me. They said they were open to being friends though, and so was I. I respected their boundaries and tried to be friends, I didn't push it though. I noticed them pulling away, they had unfollowed my IG, and was actively ignoring my messages while being online. I spoke about it calmly and tried to communicate. They ignored me further so I wished them all the best and removed them. At one point they blocked me and I lost it and it took days for my mood to stableize. I don't know if it was because I was in control this time, or because I'm stronger from group, but I realized I need to do what's best for me. If this person is going to be flaky and mess with my feelings and refuse to communicate with me then I simply do not need them around. We've been on and off friends/fwb for a yearish, so he's had time to communicate. I'm not dealing with people like that anymore. I have needs and I need to look after myself. 

I feel so empowered. 

TL;DR: went through  4 weeks of group therapy, learned how to be a stronger person and to love myself more, realized my self worth, and dropped someone who wasn't respecting my feelings. Feelsgoodman.