Ever since I passed the 'silent despair' stage I feel like I'm way too open with my concerns, feelings, anxieties, fears, anger issues and what not. I don't have the slightest idea of what boundaries are appropriate and knowing the theory of it doesn't help me actually apply it to my real-life relationships so I'm just being nuts and people are telling me they go into shock over some of my statements or shows of emotion.

Anyway, this is affecting my relationships, people that I care about, and I am starting to think that it's better to just go back to the constant lying. I just want to be *normal* and at least when I'm pretending I can create some illusion of that, to an extent. And people will go back to thinking I'm just halfway crazy.

I think if I tried better I could even make it work and fool everyone into thinking that I actually am normal. If only I tried hard enough. Last time I followed this route though, I failed miserably and broke down. But that was before therapy so I'm kinda thinking maybe I could do it this time. I hate being such a freak.

It's just that I think this is kinda counter-therapeutic? Like, aren't we supposed to have these crazy symptoms go away through therapy? But it's just taking way too long and the "getting worse before you could get better" is having a seriously negative impact on my life.