Recently I've come to subtly despise writing about my own thoughts, stress responses and other daily challenges.  


I feel like I've been of this self-improvement business for so long and until now all for naught. Whenever I'm not on caffeine *(and except when I can have evenings all for myself while nobody's home)*, my ambition-like modes of being degraded to a point where the effort I'll need to employ won't be rewarded accordingly due to me messing up the dopamine center since 2011.  


After a certain amount of productive time spending the body feels 3x heavier and my mind gets hi-jacked by supposedly rational conclusions about how bothersome would be to continue with it. Most of the time I don't trust it and stop right away. Still, the brain becomes so dulled that I start stumbling into easily avoidable mistakes. Trudging along while being aware of how bad the work is developing demotivates like hell. I become irritable and have to isolate myself in order to not let a impulsive response wreck things even more.  


It's like having to manage two inner teenagers. One too mentally slow + disinterested, another too sensible to negative stimuli. To not let them mess up our lives even more I choose distractions or nothingness.  


The **passing of time** is another hellish condition that breaks my spirit. I've done extensive research and wrote substantially about human nature, tendencies, group behavior, the need for goals and engagement. The frustration comes from whenever I reach the stage of maintenance after amateur progress, uncontrollable boredom makes me self-sabotage *(an unappealing day leads me to eat junk into late hours and / or relapse, get brainfog for the next 4 days, try to alleviate that discomfort with distractions and so goes the loop).*  
Then comes the dismay with how today I'm a hostage of my screwed physiology.  
Then the confirmation bias gets reinforced since I can't stick with an activity for long. Then the disillusion that without a transforming experience I'll keep descending the stairs of parasitizing those around me.  


Then not being able to fall asleep due to anticipating the next day stressful shit.  


Then not wanting to get out of bed because I have to take care of my nutrition after long hours on an empty stomach.  


Then becoming madly desperate to drown all these thoughts into absolute void.