tw for self harm and suicidal ideation 

hi, for a little over a month now i’ve been really thinking about admitting myself. i want to and i know i probably should but i’m afraid everyone is gonna forget about me (mostly my girlfriend). ive been before, i know the stays are relatively short (in my experience, at least), but i’m afraid when i get out she’ll have moved on and forgotten about me. she’s not that type of person and has reassured me and continues to reassure me that she won’t, but with my bpd, i’m naturally terrified she’s gonna forget me anyway. or that all of this is going to lead to her leaving me and forgetting about me, that she’ll miss me when i’m first gone then she’ll adjust and realize she’s better off without me. it’s irrational to think that because there’s literally no evidence to suggest she’d ever do that but. my brain is dumb. i love her so much and haven’t loved anyone like this and i don’t want it to get messed up. i’m just scared to go to the hospital. and nothing feels real anymore and i feel like i’m just a burden to everyone around me even if people tell me otherwise. most of the time i’m just quiet about it and i don’t bring it up bc i don’t wanna stress anyone out or worry anyone but. then everything piles up. and every day i feel like i can’t breathe when i wake up, i feel like i’m stuck, nothing feels right. i want to work a job but i can’t even get out of bed and i’m trying so hard and no one thinks i am. every day i wake up and i want to die or i get right back in bed. and even the days i do things it’s still the same. no matter what i do i can’t remember what i did all day. i wake up, think about every way i could kill myself, cry, and do the same thing every day. i know bpd doesn’t go away, i’ve been diagnosed for 7 years now. i want to be able to feel like i can breathe. there’s something weighing me down and i don’t know what it is. i just don’t know what to do. i’m tired and i’m scared. 

idk. if anyone has anything to say that could help or something idk. thanks for staying if you read the whole thing, hope you have a better day than i’m having &lt;3