even coming to the decision to ultimately lash out and announce that im a horrible person, even when its made up- i dont know what i want from the other person, idk what id want them to say about any of it. i dont want them to leave me, or hate me, or say its true or even false. it ruins the atmosphere what i do, but i literally have to say it.

its almost like i have to list everything ive done wrong, pry into everything i do, something i think it impacts the way they feel about me- before they do. because if they do it first, its over