this is so strange. i don't want to actively kill myself, i'm not thinking about suicide at all. all i feel is that the end for me is coming soon. yesterday i turned 21, i had fun with my friends and i'm going to have tons more fun with them when we go to stay at an airb&amp;b together, and i am excited. but for some reason i woke up this morning and everything feels wrong. it feels empty, i know the end is coming.

somehow my FP and i started talking about kids and it made me think so much. i don't ever want to be 30, i've never been able to envision myself older than 30. and why would i want to bring kids into this world ever, with the state of my mind being how it is, and with the state of the world? climate change is horrible and oceanic collapse on the horizon is horrifying. the world will end soon and it's all humankind's fault. so i feel like there's no reason to really keep trying anymore. why wouldn't i just keep living like i am, doing whatever i want and drinking and smoking, until it's over. i hate to relate this to video games, but it feels like i've just unlocked the last achievement in a game i like and now i don't know what to do anymore. like is it even worth it to keep going and trying.

i don't even feel scared about it. i feel scared about the state of this planet because i feel so sad for the wildlife and plants and animals, but i don't feel scared for myself. i'm not necessarily at peace either because i'm so sad and empty. but i feel comfortable with it. like i'm comfortable with the end coming soon. i don't know, it just doesn't make much sense to me.