I am in a long distance relationship with someone I met online.  We met in person for the first time last week; I flew to his state (USA) to meet him, and we spent a week together.  Everything went really well, and if things keep going well, we're hoping to live closer together within a year.  

After I got back home from our week together, I started thinking things like this: "It's only a matter of time before he sees how nuts I am.  He won't stay with me very long, because he deserves better.  Anyone who would put up with me can't be very self-respecting."  Then, I was able to calm myself down and realize I'm creating a problem when there doesn't need to be one.  Unfortunately, that didn't stop me.  From there, my thoughts went like this: "This is crazy.  I'm acting crazy.  He's going to see how crazy I am, and I'll drive him away.  I'm too messed up to be in a relationship, and he'll realize that soon."  I started bombarding him with texts and emails begging him to tell me everything is okay.  Then, I tried talking honestly and calmly about my feelings and fears, but when I reread the email after I sent it, it just sounded manipulative and passive aggressive. 

We had a Skype conversation last night, and he admitted that although he thought I'd been exaggerating about being crazy when we talked before we met, he's starting to see what I meant.  I had told him up front about my diagnosis of BPD (which I had just received shortly after we started talking), but I guess he didn't quite believe it at the time, because he couldn't see those things in me before.  Last night for the first time, I could see a panicked look in his eyes like "What did I get myself into, and how can I get out of it?"  

Today, I'm trying to accept that if I can find a way to be calm and keep a grip on reality, there's no reason this relationship can't continue in a healthy way.  I'm trying to remember that, so far, the only problem in the relationship is the one I'm creating in my mind.  Since I only recently got the BPD diagnosis, I'm just starting to do counseling specifically about that.  I've worked with several counselors over the years, and made a lot of progress with anxiety and issues with my family.  Now that I have this new diagnosis, some things are starting to make more sense.  I'm hopeful that I can make more significant progress with this new information about myself. 

I am currently waiting to hear back from a clinic about the availability of a counselor who specializes in my problems.  This particular clinic was recommended to me by the counselor I had worked with previously.  In the meantime, I am on my own.  I vented to a friend last night, which was helpful, but he doesn't really understand my challenges. 

I really, really like this guy.  I'm middle aged now, and after so many years of dating, I don't want to blow this one.  In all the relationships I've had over the years, there have been a few with guys I liked a lot, and I always ended up driving them away with the same series of insecurities I've described.  The other relationships were with guys that weren't quite right for me in some way (in which case, I didn't get crazy like this, because I wasn't desperate to keep them).  So, the only healthy, functional relationships I've ever had have been with guys I didn't really like very much. 

This man I'm with now is wonderful.  He's gentle, patient, generous, considerate, smart, easy-going, open-minded, and funny.  We have similar values and interests.  We have interesting and challenging conversations.  I feel safe and comfortable with him.  He turns me on and I love the way he touches me.  When he kisses the top of my head, I get that special woozy feeling in my belly. 

As far as I can tell, he really likes me too and cares about me.  I've been trying so hard to just accept that, and not get carried away by spiraling fears.  Can anyone give me some words of wisdom?  What can I do or not do to keep a grip on myself, and not get carried away with snowballing fears?  What can I do differently than I've done in past relationships?  As I write this, I'm starting to cry.  I don't want to lose him. 

TL;DR: I'm in a new relationship with a wonderful man.  I'm struggling to not drive him away with my insecurities. 
