All of my life it has been a journey to this moment in my life. I'm finally accepting that I am the problem. I keep making the same mistakes over and over because I'm scared of the reality of everything. Over the years the pain had been so unreal I constantly get myself into bad situations, that I ultimately blame myself for but not in a healthy way. I don't acknowledge that I have bad behaviors, I just made myself feel like it was because I was ugly and fat. If I was prettier, then things would be different. I used having a career as a way to establish value, when that fell apart I was finally up against myself for the first time. The shame and self hatred have reached a level I don't know how to manipulate my way out of. 

I am at the defining point in my life, if I don't make the right choices now, I will never get the life I've always dreamed of. The pain of being isolated, not feeling fulfilled by anyone or anything except male validation. Then when I get the attention I want I destroy it because I subconsciously believe I am not worthy. I spent so much money on treatment, I've studied DBT and neuroscience. I've tried different ways of thinking. All I've gotten are the same results.

The complicated wars within my mind are so exhausting. I just need a helping hand. All I have are people that have never been healthy for me to begin with. All I have is me, all I've ever really had is me. I don't know why I can't accept this.

I don't know how to make things better. 