I had so much potential. I graduated high school with a 4.0, I got into a good college, had entered and went 2 years strong with a marketing management/japanese double major. I had a goal to eventually move to japan and get into electronics marketing.

Then I made the worst mistake of my life: I met and got together with my abusive ex.

My ex never brought me up, he always dragged me down. It was my first relationship too, so I didn’t really know what red flags to look for. I opted out of dating in high school because I wanted to focus on myself and my career. Funny. 

After two years of basically being conditioned to feel like I wasn’t good enough, intelligent enough, driven enough to pursue my goals, I ended up switching to a different major. An easy major. One that I would be good at because it was “easy:” Early Childhood Education.

I hated it. I truly did. I half assed all of it. At the same time, I was also battling anorexia. I dropped down to 80 lbs, and then when I was forced to regain weight, I was miserable. Between being miserable at school, battling my eating disorder demons, and dealing with my abusive ex, I decided that I wanted to take my own life. I OD’d on Tripleptal. 

Obviously I survived the attempt, but I was left with some brain damage. My memory was impaired, and I was no longer able to speak as eloquently as I used to be able to. This was 5 years ago now, and luckily I was able to retrain myself/relearn all the stuff I had forgotten, but in the moment, it was tough. 

 After I graduated college (with a 3.9!), I decided to move to Florida because I had always wanted to live there. I truly loved it. Unfortunately, my ex didn’t want to go with me. Instead of breaking it off, he strung me along for an entire year, promising that he was trying to transfer down there through his job. He never did. He never even attempted. He manipulated me into moving back up North. 

While I was in Florida, I got a job at a popular coffee chain and I transferred up here. While working there (as in the location up North), I developed feelings for one of my managers and we became extremely close. 

A year after moving back up North, my ex broke up with me for the sixth time in our five year relationship (the break ups were a manipulation tactic), but this time, I didn’t come crawling back. Instead, I just became closer to aforementioned manager (who no longer worked at our store anymore, so nothing work-illegal was happening). 

Several months after the breakup (me and manager were talking the entire time), we hooked up. And then after I slept with him, he told me he never considered me romantically and ghosted me. I had been played and used yet again.

This was a few months ago. Manager is hitting me up again but I’m ignoring him. 

So here I am now: I am a fucking shift supervisor at a coffee chain. I was abused by a man for 5.5 years, and then immediately used by another man whom I had considered a close friend. I had so much potential. I had a good head on my shoulders. I had so much going for me. And now I’m here at the age of 25, wondering where I went wrong and wanting to just end it all.

There is really no point in this post, I don’t think. I just needed to put all this out there. Thank you for reading.