I wake up extremely anxious every single morning. I wake up and I immediately check my phone to visit my partner's social media and check at what time he was last seen online. That way I can confirm that he did fall asleep last night and wasn't up while I was sleeping. When he stays up online I get extra anxious because I start to think he was probably up talking to someone else, went out with someone else, etc. 

When I see he stayed up late my day is ruined... I wake up and my brain instantly chooses fear. I am currently taking stress gummies (Olly brand) and Ashwagandha first thing in the morning so I can cope better. I've noticed that if I have a relatively okay morning and I practice self awareness I can get through the day okay too.

I just feel like I've only brought my partner turmoil to his life because I can be incredibly unstable. I feel like I've emotionally abused him throughout the relationship. I constantly doubt his intentions and I've driven him to lie to me to avoid triggering me. He says he still loves me and he wants to see us make it, but sometimes I'm really afraid that I've damaged the relationship too much with my fears and insecurities.

My BPD causes me to see my relationship as the source of most of my happiness and most of my suffering. It saddens me so much that the suffering happens more often than the calm and happy sensations a normal relationship brings. I am so ashamed of what I give to my partner. I've always wanted to be seen as a great, confident and happy partner, someone people would feel proud and satisfied to date, but I'm clearly none of that...