Hate that I can’t talk to you.
Not because I don’t want to reconnect. It’s not because I’m still swimming in my shame. It’s because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to put you through any of that again. All the splitting, the jealousy, the anger, the crying... the damn drugs... fucking all of it.
 I’m in a way better place now a days. For the first time in a long time.
You just make my head do things I can’t control and hurt us. Hurt our movement. Sometimes I’m not a good person when I’m desperate. 
I’m so in love with you. Ill always always love you. 
I’ve just put you through so much. I know you deserve better. I know your going to get better.

I’d rather endure the pain of watching you move on and be happy without me than the pain I’d potentially inflict if we had got back together.

It took everything in me not to message you today. I just want to check in with you, but I know that isn’t my place anymore

You were my FP. You still are. You will always be one of my favorite people I got to know. I wish I still knew you.
You could shatter my world so easily. I’ve never let anyone in like I let you in. That’s why I can’t talk to you. I don’t like that you have that control over me.
I’ve forgiven you for dipping out when I needed you most. Even now I still blame myself for that.

Man... I just hope your good. I hope your eating ok. I hope your life is full and your mind is sound. I hope your changing and evolving. I hope you find someone who will treasure the beautiful “bean” i had the privilege to call my best friend.
Most of all, I hope you know that I love you. 

You don’t gotta say it back. 
Miss you, my saphire.