One year ago today my 3 year old dog died after a long battle with illnesses ranging from liver shunts to pancreatitis. It was extremely traumatic and it took months to fully relax after we lost him.

Last Tuesday I got a new puppy and he has been more triggering than I ever could have imagined. I love him already but I am constantly on edge waiting for something horrible to happen. He ate a tiny piece of a potty pad today and I had to call the vet and explain to her that I cannot tell when I’m overreacting and I needed to be told if I should panic (they said I didn’t need to). 

On top of this, one of my dogs was sick from stress over the weekend and the other ended up having x rays and blood work yesterday for vomiting and had a (hopefully stress related) motility issue. She’s on meds and hasn’t vomited since then but she doesn’t feel good and everything together has got me so fucked up. Neither of them have had any issues in the past year.

Ive been taking Xanax daily which I have never done, even during my dog’s illnesses. I’ve been keeping it low dose (1/4 of a .5mg pill) as infrequently as I can, but my body is constantly in fight or flight mode. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this and I know that sounds so stupid. It’s just a new puppy! But holy shit I don’t know what to do. 

I have to function every day for the sake of my dogs but I won’t have any help until the end of the month and I’m struggling and no one understands. In hindsight it may have been too early to get a puppy, even after a year.