Fully grown adult person here. Nonbinary, married, 4 kids, SAHP, good life. I know how lucky I am. Great childhood.  Parents were married and gave us a good life and many adventures.  Reassured me after I came out. 

And then my world came tumbling down this year. Discovered one of my parents had allegedly committed a heinous act... warrant was issued. Parent ran at first, but then eventually turned themselves in. The evidence is pretty damning. If convicted, possibly rest of their life will be spent in jail. 

This act was not anything ANYONE could have envisioned my parent being capable of. I'm still in disbelief. 

And I am completely shattered. My sense of identity. My moral center. Everything I thought I knew feels like a lie.  I live near the area that I grew up in and I just want to run away. Move. Not be here anymore. Trying to explain to one of my children what is happening has been difficult and has sent the oldest child spiraling. Child and my parent were best buds. 

I've been harassed and threatened online. 
My house been vandalized. 
My kids have been targeted. CHILDREN. 
I sat for weeks crying all night long after having to keep myself together all day long.
I feel like I haven't slept in months. 

And through all of this, I am so mad at myself for caring and worrying for my parent while they sit in jail awaiting trial. I'm mad at myself for feeling guilty at how I've historically treated them. After divorce, this parent will have nothing and no one....even if theyre still in jail. And I feel like I need to save them. 

If I were sane I would be willing to cut ties to save my kids and my spouse. 

I'm sorry this post is so vague but until trial, I honestly don't know much or how much I can even say. I don't want to believe this is my life anymore. 

The depression has always been there for me, but I've never felt this level of depression before. Like I used to always be able to see glimmers of hope through the haze, but this is drowning me. I can't see anything. I feel heavy and lost. I've spoken to 4 different therapists and they all say I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances.....but it doesn't help. I just want a break from reality. Checking out hasn't been an option for me, but that's all I want to do especially as a trial date nears. 

I miss my parent....the parent I thought I knew.  I haven't spoken to them since this all first came to light and then I was yelling at them. I regret what I said.