Ever since age 13 when I was in the 7th grade I started realizing that I wasn't particularly good at anything. I never got any sort of achievement from elementary school, except for winning some drawing contest during book week in the fifth grade and I started feeling really depressed about it. 

Then the next school year rolled in and I felt the exact same, but instead of doing something, God, I don't know why but I never thought to try at things, instead **I just gave up**. Then in August I started joining clubs at school but never really got anywhere...and I was planning to start rock climbing and candle making and never got to it...then the next year rolled in and I just never got anywhere except for winning second place at the annual swimming competition and then again in the next year. I started getting SERIOUSLY unstable about it all of last year where I **wanted to kill myself and start over except with the knowledge that I had at the time** and that I would join every club and hobby I wanted to from very young ages. 

I think I had the mentality of **giving up and indulging in an unhealthy constant escapism** ever since I was 8 and started and wanting to be someone else, usually matching whatever movie or book that I liked at the time..only focusing on schoolwork and then playing pretend for the rest of my time. I never had a solid hobby I was passionate about, unlike some of my peers. I think it has to do with **depression or some sort of disorder or maybe parental trauma(?)**  that causes me to easily give up and not put in effort into things that I wouldn't be good at the first try or found difficult and therefore would not commit to. 

Like, the good thing is at least I became aware and tried to improve from the eighth grade, right? But I think something else was stopping me from reaching my full potential or definitely cost me from pursuing hobbies and finding genuine interests and having good experiences. I have an **abusive parent that guilt tripped me into studying basically all the time outside of school.** Okay, not 24/7 but they forced me to study 7 subjects every day as I came back from school to "prepare me for uni entrance exams" or "so I can get ahead of the syllabus" or some bullshit. I come from a country where English isn't the official language so I understand if I was expected to study it outside of school, I really do, it's completely reasonable, right? But the rest was such a huge fucking waste of time. I was forced to study science that was I guess a little more advanced than what I was learning at school and math with the same sense of it being slightly more advanced. Then the most ridiculous useless and unnecessary one was English. It is my first fucking language and they forced me to do English "entrance examination questions" from universities from my home country. It was literal reading comprehension, which was fucking easy and a HUGE waste of time as well as energy. Then they forced me to do these vocabulary things? Where I would have to learn quite complex vocabulary everyday etc. And then this other one where I was forced to do a "creative writing" thing like a short essay or poem. And so this would take 5 hours total. So when I came home at 3, it would take until 8 PM. SO IM FUCKING **EXHAUSTED BY THE END AND HAVE NO TIME OR ENERGY TO EVEN CONSIDER PURSUING INTERESTS.** I've managed to calm these thoughts but they still trigger me from time to time, even just memories of sitting in the sofa and doing all of these tasks and felt time slipping by, wasting away. I remember twice where it took such a long time and the time stretched until 5 PM on weekends, and this asshole would complain about how long it took. It makes me feel like I **wasted so much fucking time everyday for three years** of this hell, and how much I missed out on. I could have started rock climbing, picked up guitar, started aerial silks, etc, if it wasn't this piece of shit constantly guilt tripping me and forcing me to become this working studying machine forever and expecting me to just do whatever I wanted in my free time, as if I wasn't FUCKING EXHAUSTED by the end. My other non-abusive parent also plays a part because every time I would tell them I wanted to pursue a new hobby, they never put any second thought or effort into it, and since I had and still have such a "easily giving up" mentality, I was never motivated or pushed and therefore never even got to starting these things.

It's bad enough that I have to still live with this abusive piece of shit, but this makes it so much worse because my feeling of this huge chunk of time wasted and lack of accomplishments has driven me to **extreme thoughts of suicide and low self-esteem**. I want to yell at this asshole for this, but I can't because of the fact that I can't yell at or get mad at people on the spot, most likely because of the trauma of being abused in the first place. Haha, viscious cycle. 

I'm trying to get better, the suicidal thoughts have stopped for now and I am excited for starting university and joining clubs, discovering and pushing myself to gain accomplishments. And I obviously plan to get professional help and access that financially through getting a job since I am in no stable place to tell either of my parents.

I just want some comments of advice or similar situations, anything, this was more of a rant post and I apologize but I just really really really needed to get this out there because this is something I've been struggling with, basically for ten years (since the escapism thing when I was 8). If you don't have anything constructive or helpful to say and just want to leave useless hate comments , don't even bother commenting, it's a waste of your time and mine.