We've been dating for about a year. We live together. He said that he fell in love with my vibrance and excitement for life. We moved to my hometown for college for me and things started to fall apart. It's a high stress and prestigious engineering program and I needed help with balancing my work load with my job, but mostly I needed help balancing my emotions. I gave him the job of helping me to feel safe and okay and I realize now that it was too much pressure on him. When he failed to be my living bandaid, I would cry and feel alone. This became a cycle and my BPD is as bad as ever. 

He works as a GM of a restaurant and his hours get up to 70/week. This has triggered feeling abandoned, especially when he often gets home from work and is too tired for me. He has poor communication and stays out later sometimes without telling me. I tried to explain how much checking in makes me feel more important and valued to him but I don't think he instinctively understands what BPD feels like. He leaves me alone to wrestle with my insecurity and my demons after. 

For the last month I've made steps to improve. I gained health insurance that starts on the first of March and will be able to set up weekly therapy appointments. I downloaded the Since app and I haven't self harmed in 15 days. I bought the DBT handbook and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me and have been reading them. I've met with a mental health nonprofit in the area and am setting up extra counseling appointments through them as well as a case coordinator to help me get back on track in my life. I haven't really had parents so I think it will make a huge help for building a support network. I've also made progress with a lot of things that I had on my plate and was putting off from depression, like financial affairs, renewing my license, etc. I've been feeling more hopeful and productive. 

It still feels like it's too late and that he's already checked out, though. When I do cry from stress or anxiety, he mostly gets annoyed or ignores me. This triggers a lot of abandonment issues I have and I spend most of the night trying to calm down. 

We recently talked about what we want from the relationship and what would make things better. He's been especially focused at work and I have to tell myself it's not to avoid me, but I don't honestly believe it. I told him about a month before valentine's day that I haven't felt like a priority to him and I really wanted this day to feel like he still loves me. I asked for a stuffed animal to sleep with and a necklace to wear everyday (something in the $15-30 range, nothing extravagant). He told me that he made dinner reservations and I was very excited. He also lied to me about the above gifts and told me he left them at work and would give them to me later tonight. We both had work until 4 and were supposed to spend the night together. I show up at his restaurant after work and he tells me that he volunteered to close the night before and that I would only see him for maybe an hour break. He also lied to my face about the presents and dinner. He didn't do either. This led to us almost breaking up and me giving him an ultimatum. I've felt like I was always chosen second after his job for many months (he's worked there for maybe 4 months) and I told him that our relationship won't survive if he doesn't find another job. He loves his job and I waited as long as I could to make that ultimatum but unfortunately valentine's day wasn't an anomaly and situations like that have been the norm for at least two months. 

At this point he's sleeping next to me and I am filled with anxiety for the talk that is only 5 hours away. I feel like he's going to break up with me and like he doesn't love me anymore and I don't know how much of that is logical and how much is from BPD. He came home 3 hours late after talking things out with a friend of his and didn't give me a heads up nor want to talk before bed. He felt cold when I told him that it's eating me up to not know what he's going to pick for almost a week and when a few tears came out, he awkwardly patted me but didn't seem genuinely emotionally interested at all. I want to tell him that things are getting better and we can be okay if he finds a work life balance and I stick to the progress that I've made but he just seems to be checked out. He may just be tired though. Or he's tired of me. I hate how difficult it can be to separate my BPD glasses and know what is real. I think he's afraid to tell me because he doesn't want me to cry
 or get upset so it's hard to just rely on whatever he tells me. I tell him to tell me the truth, but he still lies at times. 

I don't really know why I posted this rant besides anxiety and not being able to sleep but if you've read the whole thing then I appreciate it a lot. If you have any advice, I appreciate that as well.