I used to take 10mg a day of valium for years and during that time I stopped being a shut-in, I got a job, I got married, and actually lived a relatively anxiety free life for the first time.

I never really noticed a need to increase my dose in the years that I took benzos, but eventually I was convinced that I should stop taking it because of long-term risks and dependence. I successfully did a slow taper and I've been benzos free for several years now.

In that time, I have completely regressed. My marriage collapsed, my OCD tendencies exploded, my social anxiety is worse than it has ever been, going to work feels like I'm in the trenches of WW1. I can't talk to anyone without sweating and I can't make eye contact. I've been in therapy for years now, I've tried every other non benzo anxiety medicine, and I just can't do this anymore. I feel like my life is a total wreck and the only time it was ever good was when I was on benzos.

A few weeks ago I found one of my old valium bottles that I forgot about and I decided to take 5mg and I had the best day at work that I've had in years. It feels horrible that all of these years of therapy and non-benzo medications have done nothing, but one little pill of valium instantly transports me back to being the calm and functional person that I was all of those years ago when I first started taking benzos and fixed my life.

I really don't know what to do. I'm so sick of being seen as a freak. Is it worth going back on these pills indefinitely, becoming permanently dependent, and risking the long term possiblity of dementia?