Okay so I have been living with bpd for a few years now and I truly believe that I have found a way to live with the ups and downs of the illness and still be a functioning human. 
So recently I started a job that I wasn’t happy about from the start due to nepotism and the whole corporate field environment, but because I really needed the money I thought I would suck it up and just do it. I gave myself a period of 6 months to collect as much and then leave. In saying this I had plans to be an English Teacher in Korea, I’m almost done with my TEFL certificate so everything was going to go according to plan until… I realized that being a teacher might not be my strongest suit and I’m saying this because I had to gain experience for teaching recently and it did not go well at all, that I ended up not completing it. That experience alone made me lose all hope about my future and my purpose. But I also realized maybe I over romanticised Korea so much that I truly started believing being a teacher was something I could do. Now I’m trying to figure out what exactly am I going to do 😭 I could stay at my current job since it’s a two year contract and I’ve slowly gotten used to it. But in the long run I will literally slowly die doing this job. I don’t think I’ll extend that 6 months. 

So I’m kind of asking are my fears valid? Or am I being selfish in my actions? Because I won’t lie I feel judged for having this job that pays well and everyone wants but I hate it and worse I hate how I got it. Everyone around me is so happy about it but all I can do is cry every hour at the mere thought of it. I honestly wish that at least out of the many times I tried to off myself at least one should have been final. I’m not actively trying to die but I really wouldn’t mind my heart stopping right now. Am I wrong for this?