i hate it because i can never allow myself to get better without the urge to self sabotage. 
i hate it because i always feel alone. 
i hate it because i’m afraid of my mother, my only best person, dying which to me is the ultimate abandonment. 
i hate it because i feel like no one cares. 
i hate it because out of no where i cant stop sobbing for hours because of how much im a piece of shit. 
i hate it because having intense emotions with no one to talk to about them without feeling like you’re a terrible person for dumping them on someone you love and then they feel worried. 
i hate it because as much as i want to get better, i want to fuck myself up. 
i hate it because i grow unhealthy attachments. 
i hate it because im always the therapist but i never get it in return, just a “you need to take your meds”.
i hate it because i dont know who i am. 
i hate it because i cant help but to self deprecate. 
i hate it because i self harm to feel calm. 
i hate it because i abuse anything (not people) just to feel something because the emptiness is fucking tiring. 
i hate it because the one spark of happiness isnt real and its just mania from bipolar followed by aggression. 
i hate it because i blackout from anger. 
i hate it because i cant help but to think that my emotions/switches hurt the people i love most. 
i hate it bc i have the worst self image and its given me an eating disorder. 
i hate it because i cant be in a relationship without ruining it. 
i hate it because i cant be me. 
i just hate it. i want to get better and im taking every opportunity to get better but im already just. soo. tired.