So last year, I found myself in a pysch ward, after having a sucidal scare. I talked to the psychiatrist about my issues and current problems, although I was not fully forthcoming with all the details. (A lot of them were problems with delusional thinking and hearing voices, and I was afraid of them/for them, as well as ashamed.) After a few weeks, they diagnosed me with BPD, and sent me on my way. They didn't really discuss the disorder with me, they simply gave me some pharmaceuticals and kicked me out. I didn't know why I was taking what was prescribed, I didn't really know much about the disorder, and had no idea what in my behavior gave them that diagnosis.

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I was upset when I talked with them, yes. I was frustrated with what my mind was doing and what I was thinking. When they had me removed, I was very upset. I didn't feel ready for facing the outside world, and let them know that. I think they thought that my reaction was the 'fear of abandonment' that is part of the diagnosis.

But I was abandoned by them. I was expected to make my own way, with minimal resources save for a psychologist that could only see me for an hour a month, some CBT and DBT drop in courses that were not good for learning practical application, and little personalized care.

I joined this community, and did whatever research I could on the disorder when I could, and frankly, I don't find I identify strongly or relate strongly with many, if not all, of the posters here.

I don't, and never had 'FP's. I never feared abandonment as a general notion. In some ways I found the idea exciting, actually. I never self-harmed, save for perhaps financial and over-eating sabotage, as well as a bad habit of picking at a spot on my scalp, which is more from it itching then satisfaction at the pain and using it to feel better. (To me, it's like scratching a mosquito bite.) I don't engage in splitting either. I can openly see that even people I greatly dislike has good and bad sides. Political people that I disagree with have a reason for their actions, and so on. I know how to see the 'grey' between the black and white. My suicidal idealisasion mostly came from current, bad life circumstances, as well as the torment of the delusions I was facing, and the voices I was hearing, wanting them to stop.

All in all, I think I have schizophrenia, not borderline. The meds they prescribed me are often used to treat both disorders, and now that I've taken them for a while, the most severe symptoms have stopped. I no longer hear voices talking to me on the radio or TV. I don't have voices in my head talking to me, mocking me, and encouraging delusional thoughts. The delusional thoughts are pretty much gone, only really there when I reflect on them, with a feeling of utmost gratitude that they are gone.

The closest symptom that I can truly identify with, is disassociation, where I prefer my emotions to be stable, almost gone, so I can make rational and calm choices. My emotions when I do feel them rarely overwhelm me with their intensity, save for perhaps negative ones. But even then, I know tricks to stop from getting too dark when those moods are upon me.

On the other hand, I'm currently in the hospital, recovering from a suicide attempt that happened after having an upsetting conversation with my mother. It was influenced by other factors as well, like being friendless, jobless, homeless, and without a life goal or purpose. I rarely sit there, in a dark mood and wish I was dead. (Although when it does happen, I can often wish I was dead, just to get rid of the pain.) My good moods are not nearly as extreme.

Frankly, I think they got the symptoms of emotional neglect and abuse confused with that of borderline. The diagnosis came at an extremely low point in my life. My day to day up to that point was comparatively stable.

I don't rule out that I may have borderline, I just find it dubious. Perhaps I am simply handling it better than others here, looking for support. I mostly come here to compare notes and to offer help and advice.

Any thoughts? Any opinions? I am most curious to know.

Thank you for taking time to read this all, if you made it all the way down.  


TLDR: I don't think think I have borderline, I think I have schizophrenia.