i’m not myself anymore, and i haven’t been for years. throughout high school i was constantly ditching, smoking, drinking popping pills and doing whatever i wanted. i had minor depression and a little anxiety. during this time i was prescribed and SSRI (prozac) and adderall. the cocktail these made on top of smoking everyday left me numb and at a lack of care for anything. it ruined friendships, multiple failed relationships, sleepless nights fighting with my parents and i hated my life, the high of being around friends sharing a joint seemed much more desirable than prescribed medication so i stopped taking it. big mistake. 

my senior year was the hardest year of my entire school career, i missed more classes than i went too and had what felt like too many missing assignments to graduate, the pain i felt knowing i was going to disappoint my entire family felt like a .50 cal to the head. somehow by the skin on my teeth i graduated, i had done it and all these pressures lifted off of me like i had just walked outside for the first time in years because i thought the way i feel will go away if i graduated. i had without a doubt the most memorable summer of my life so far, there was never a dull moment. 

group chats grew quiet, our spot (the parking lot of a small shopping center) filled up with less and less cars, people stopped reaching out, it felt like everyone knew summer was over and it was time to focus on life after high school. people moved and went to college, enlisted in a branch of the military, or just moved away. that was okay to me i needed the wake up call to start the rest of my life. college isn’t for me, at least for now. however one lonely weekend i lay in bed scrolling through numerous snapchat stories, seeing what people are up too, when i noticed everyone was together one afternoon. the joy i felt of potentially one last weekend with everyone we have to do something crazy. i called and texted everyone, no response. i admit at first i was confused however i didn’t let it bother me and had decided to call later before it was too late. before that time had come i decided to go out and smoke some weed. as you would imagine, i got home afterwards ate some food and took a nap. i woke up around midnight that night too multiple missed calls and texts regarding my whereabouts and how i’m a dick for calling then “flaking” of course i was pissed and said something the following day however the cycled continued and to this very day it still happens.

fast forward to today (march 02 2022), the depression i felt in high school hasn’t left in fact, it has gotten much worse, i cannot keep a job, i relapsed and had snatched OxyContin from the pill box from a recent surgery my dad had, and the part that hits me the most is how lonely i truly feel. the group of assholes i call a friend group dissipated leaving only two (my best friend and his girlfriend). someone who i considered to be my brother, someone who got me a job and took me in and basically got me through high school, hates me. remember when i said i couldn’t keep a job? he had hooked me up with my most recent job and i quit due to personal reasons and i was too nervous to tell him the job wasn’t for me because i knew he’d be disappointed, so i made the horrible decision to ignore him i had finally texted him back and asked me if he hates me…it’s been a week and no response yet. i can’t keep a relationship because i have so much relationship anxiety and now i don’t think i deserve love if i don’t even know what love is, granted i’m young but every time i try i get cheated on or i’m never the first choice. as much as i would like to reach out to family i’m too much of a pussy to do so. my mom is a social worker who has hated my life choices for years now. i have a solid bond with my parents but because of my high school choices it started to fade. i only leave my room to leave the house, smoke weed, spend money on food and drugs then come back home and sleep. i’m terrifying of telling my parents i’m not okay. pretend you’re a social worker, you’re job every day is working with corrupt homes and horrible living conditions. how would you feel if you came home fixing families for a living just to find out that now you have to keep working but this time it’s your own son. 

too sum up this entire book about all of my bullshit (which i never do and i’m honestly cringing at myself for writing this) i need help. i think about death every day i feel like i’m just another pile of flesh and bones who’s invisible to everyone, i’m never invited out anymore, and when i do 100% of the time im in my own head never talking to anyone wondering why everyone stopped inviting me out and if they just invited me out of pity. im losing connection with everyone i love and im worried that there will be a point where i won’t have anyone and im scared of how i might react to that because honestly i don’t know how i will. 

have a good one,
yungpennynose