I feel broken. No matter how hard I try to work, it's never good enough, fast enough, correct enough. Everything hurts. I feel like my emotions are leaking out of my pores. 

I both like I am the problem and that those around me make it worse. I know I screw up regularly, especially with people, but it seems like the world has no compassion. Why am I always willing to forgive or move on, but no one else seems to be? Why am I friendly to people who I know don't like me (and frankly, I don't like them either), and they don't even bother pretending. 

I fight and fight and fight. I fight to get better, to do better, to be better, but all anyone ever sees is how wrong I am, how unfit I am for this world. 

Sometimes I just want to give up. I am not suicidal; I don't want to die... but I want to stop feeling like this. There are times when I desperately want to talk to someone, but there is nobody there. I think about calling a crisis line, but since I'm not actively suicidal, I don't.

I fell apart at work one too many times and my coworkers despise me or pity me or avoid me. Friends I worked so hard to find...my people I called them...stopped calling. My family still loves me, but I think they are probably happier that I don't live near them anymore.

I know that I am a fuck-up...maybe even a professional train wreck lately. But I try so hard. I'm always fighting...fighting depression so that I don't relapse to badly or fighting my way out of despair...fighting anxiety to keep panic attacks at bay or fighting so I don't spiral out of control...fighting anger so that I don't lash out at someone who doesn't deserve it or fighting self-loathing so strong it is almost palpable. 

I want to be okay .... to just be okay for a while, rather than desperately clawing my way back up from the pit or desperately clinging to the edge so I don't fall again.