Just need a space to rant. Im diagnosed with MDD since 2016 and subsequently PDD in 2019 and PTSD. 

I have this deep deep resentment and anger towards myself. For everything that i can ever be faulted for. But ultimately, I hate myself for even breathing the very air I am breathing now. Each time I look at those that want to live yet denied the opportunity to, I wish I can give them my very "gift" from the man above. 

I didn't want any advice neither do I want anymore help from anybody. End of the day there is no genuinity in anything at all. People in my life are only here because of a certain value they see in me. They never look beyond that. Once that value runs out I'm just disposed.

Those that were supposed to love and protect me ended up teaching me that I was worth nothing more than garbage. (My father left when I was a child. My mother took everything out on me.) 

Those who said that they loved me ended up making me felt like im alone in this whole universe. The constant anger and abuse no matter how much I try to fit into their shoes. The repetitive " I love you now, i hate you the next moment" treatment. (An ex-wife with NPD and a few other rls) 

Not even a thank you, a thank you for trying, a thank you for being me. I'm told to keep on giving, keep on providing. That it is my responsibility that i should do this and that. I should be understanding and loving. But in return, I was never spared an ounce of time from them. Each time I want to say anything remotely close to what I'm feeling, they either cut me out or just shut me off by saying they understand. And when the time comes they did the exact same thing to hurt me again, the blame is on me and not their lack of understanding towards me. 

And despite all that, I don't hate them. I can never hate them. If I am them, I would hate me too. Even posting this makes me hate myself even more. I hate myself for not having the courage to end it all.