i search for peace within myself and i seemingly don't find it.  i try to create peace within myself and that doesn't seem to work.  i've tried surrounding myself with healthy people and i end up feeling worse.

i go to sleep and dream of a dead grandmother and while walking through her empty house.  in another nightmare, i search for a woman i had previously dated.  i'm at some random party (something i never do anymore) but end up never finding her.  around every corner, i would catch a glimpse of someone, but it was always blurred.

throughout the day of real life, i struggle to find meaning in anything, anyone, or myself.  activities seem less than ideal.  everything seems disconnected.  colors are blurred.  everything is painted with darkness.

i wake up in a panic.