Anywho for those of you that believes you have the gall to trek through my bullshit
I've been staying pretty consistently at my favorite person's house since the September I very quickly developed an emotional attachment to them romantically tried to distance myself as best I could and failed on every single level he has been doing his thing because he's an adult and wants to see people and like doesn't want to hurt me because every girl he dates whines up getting hurt by him but they all have BPD and left him over imaginary bulshit. So he refuses to date me over imaginary bulshit that he never even did because he's convinced because I have BPD I'm going to do the same thing as them even though my BPD is a completely different type of BPD than theirs they have the angry outbursts the kind and I have the sad I hate myself kind yes they're both BPD mines called a quiet BPD or fuckin whatever I don't care
Anyway, other day he told me he had feelings for me and of course every time he tells me he has feelings for me this is very quickly followed by him bring another girl over because he's trying to throw a wall up because he's scared and I get it I understand logically today he comes home and he asked me if I asked another friend if I could stay with them because I'm fucking homeless and of course he has to fucking bring up to everybody that I'm God damn homeless which is fucking embarrassing as shit. so unfortunately I finally fucking exploded after 5 months into tears and said you don't fucking know me because he doesn't he keeps throwing symptoms that I don't have under me because of other fucking shit people fucked his life over,
If you think that's an exaggeration it's not he's 28 and already divorced.

I told him I just want to be given a fucking chance to show that I'm different, he says he doesn't even have a chance so I'm like what the f*** dude so he left for work and now I'm going to get as f***** up as I can I've got a cigarette I'm planning on smoking some weed there's kava there's alcohol and there's methamphetamine - my favorite

No you can't talk me out of doing this,
I logically aware that this is not a good choice
Trust me, I've been researching additives that I could add to the mix I found a yellow antipsychotic pill last night I might wind up taking that who fuckin knows

All I know is that I do not want to feel the way I've been feeling for the last 5 months god dammit