I got diagnosed as Bipolar I three years ago after what was diagnosed as a mixed episode that landed me in the hospital. Since then, I’ve been on Depakote and Risperdal, with Wellbutrin added later due to anxiety. But I just don’t know. I went off my meds for about 6 weeks a few months ago and felt totally fine, but I admitted it to my husband and he was pissed. I know 6 weeks isn’t a lot but I just hate being on meds. I feel so flat. I have no sex drive. I gained so much weight. I still feel miserable enough that I self medicate with weed and alcohol. I just don’t want to be on them. But my husband won’t allow me to stop them unless my psych APRN approves and she doesn’t seem keen on taking me off either. My only breakthrough symptom is irritability but it seems minor compared to the side effects. I have never felt a true mania so there is nothing I’m trying to achieve here. I think back sometimes to my time in the hospital and how awful I felt but I am in such a different place in my life now. Does anyone else feel trapped into taking their meds? I just feel like such a zombie and I hate it. Life means nothing. I have no ambitions, no dreams. I just exist.