Something really weird happened to me yesterday. I was spiraling-obviously not the weird part as that's quite normal. I've been seriously thinking about breaking up with my partner of three years and just driving away in the middle of the night to a new city and starting over. I thought about driving across the country and finding a mental institution. I thought about just giving up entirely. I had pretty much convinced myself this was my only way to be happy-but it was tearing me up inside. I started mourning the loss of my partner, our dogs, our friends, my job, and the life I had built up over the last several years. 

And then it hit- I'm sick.

I don't have to do any of those things. I have done some of those things before and I remembered that they literally ruined my life and I had to build it back up. My brain is convincing me to do drastic things because it's sick and needs help. I don't have to hate myself. I don't have to ruin my life over these inescapable feelings- I just need to get help. There ARE success stories with this disease and I WILL be one of them.

It sounds really, really simple and explaining it to my friends they don't really get why I feel so relieved all of the sudden, but I think you guys might. After 7 years of mostly unmedicated bp type 1, I have never had this realization. It's not my or my environment's fault that I'm so unhappy- I just need some help. Now I am started my long journey of seeking resources with no insurance in a country that hates mentally ill people, something that before was enough just to send me to the dark place just by thinking about. Today, for the first time in a very, very, very long time, I think maybe I can be happy one day.