I have done some pretty fucked up things in the last year or so that somehow relate to my fear of abandonment.  It was towards my now ex.  I constantly felt like he was going to leave even though he stayed with me through some pretty crazy stuff.  He still talks to me now and helps me get through life,  I'm loyal to him now which I hadn't been in the past.  I thought that would change things but it hasn't.  Don't get me wrong.  He is who I want.  I don't want to have a back up just in case he leaves.  I want to learn to trust and get overr some of my fears.  I'm always close to losing him though.  So much has happened that every day for him is like walking through a minefield of triggers.  I don't know what to do to make that better.  I do feel horrible for what I have done but I don't think that is clear to him.  He means the world to be.  He is the most stabilizing force in my life right now.  I'd do anything to keep him in my life.  I've tried to show him that but I fall short a lot.  My relationship skills suck.  I just wish I could throw my arms around him and hold him tight and tell him how much I love him.  That's not possible right now.  I think if I could just shake this fear I'd do better for him.  I'm so frustrated.  I know if he leaves it will be my fault.  I've pushed him away so many times.  Now I just want to hold him close to me.