“okay. my world is gray. it's me constantly hoping to feel high on happiness. to be able to laugh at everything and feel happiness more than mentally but physically. and it's gray for a while. you're my splash of color while in this part of it, but it's not enough color. it's translucent. and i'm hoping to feel the boldness but i just don't. and then all of a sudden, everything feels good. my feelings are at their brightest. it's pink now and i'm so happy. i feel refreshed and just glad i can feel things vibrantly again. and then the pink starts to fade and i can feel it fade so i get sad. and feel worthless and i hate myself because i just want to be pink all the time. it's black for a second, and then it's gray again. which is better than black. except for the moments where i don't care about anyone but myself. or the moments i'm fantasizing about killing myself just because i want to see how much of the pain i can take“