Life is so fucking pointless it’s insane. I wake up, do some bullshit tasks for income, and then I’m so exhausted by the end of the day that I do my necessary chores around the house, feed myself, and then fall asleep to do it all again tomorrow. 

All day at work I think about all the things I could do if I just up and left everything I have, which I hate because I have a person and two pets that I love deeply. But the thought of taking the money from my house sale and just spending the next year getting high, fucking around, and being unapologetically whatever I want is just so enticing. I feel like I am struggling under the weight of who people think I am, and what I “need” to be doing with my life, and it’s crushing me. I’ve become a lonely, but codependent, needy ass bitch and I hate myself. I’ve turned into exactly the person I never wanted to be, so why even be here? I could spend the next year having the time of my life, and then just end it once I’m out of money. 

I don’t think I’ll actually do this, unless my boyfriend leaves me, then why the fuck not lol he’s the only thing keeping me grounded right now, and sometimes I feel like he is just here because he feels indebted to me. Back to me being codependent and worthless. Good god. I don’t want to die really but fuck if I want to keep doing this for years. I’d rather just not be here. 

Sorry for the ramble. Trying to put thoughts into words is hard, especially when my head is screaming at me like this. I’ve been to therapy, it didn’t really help. I just sat in front of the lady and cried and then left embarrassed every time without feeling any better, or having any tips that actually worked to feel better.