

I feel indifferent and emotionally detached.. I really don’t have hope. There’s a small thread in my heart that has hopeful thoughts. But each day it is put through the works of disappointment. I fear there isn’t much hope left. If anything I wonder if there’s a way to revive it. To feel emotions again, to feel happy without putting a face on so people don’t ask if I’m “okay.” I’m not. But that’s none of their business.. and I try to keep busy but with other people around, they tend to disappoint.

I do have a therapist, and we plan to talk of this in our next session. But I don’t know if I can wait two weeks. Well I can but I want to talk to someone who has felt this way before. She is pushing me to go back on mood stabilizers. I never took them long enough to get to the highest dosage. But I don’t really want to rely on a pill to feel. I want to be able to feel without that. I am old enough to get a medical marijuana card. And I have a list of things that are verified by my therapist that could get me a medical card. But she really likes the idea of pills. I don’t want to get into the other issues I have. But they’re nothing better than this.

My therapist I believe she thinks I’m suicidal. While I don’t want to take my life, if I die it wouldn’t be the worst day. (I do believe in afterlife) and sometimes I wonder… no matter where I go after this life. I’m sure it could be worse but I would probably like it there better. 

I love working. Having a job is the best. I can ignore anyone I want. And I have a valid excuse for ignoring them… “work” and while I ignore people I also make money?!?! What a sales idea! Sounds amazing. But…

I lost my job position of four years because of one bad day I had. I couldn’t even bear to put on a smile and act happy. Instead of telling my boss the problems I was facing when he yelled at me that day. I just replied with “yea”, “sure”, and “okay. I don’t want a pity party. I’m looking for a new job now. Too many problems at that place to care about.

I often ignore people… and I’d like to say that I’m the bad guy. But they aren’t much better than me. I’ll give a story… skip it if you don’t care. I don’t care. 

Story: my friends ex broke off their relationship. I don’t talk to my friend much but their bf wouldn’t leave me alone… constantly needing to talk about their issues like every night. They call me and ask to hang out. They said they broke up with my friend and was left on open. I figured they would feel alone in such a time and also thought going out might make me feel better. We went to the mall and than they started acting like a horn dog. Talking about how they wanted to smack my ass while I was in a shop. They wanted to sit in the back of the movie theater, than joked when it was empty when we showed up. Thankfully other people wanted to see the movie too so we weren’t alone after all. When we were leaving the mall they told me they new a few “private trails “ around there. I played the fool and said  some shii like “I’m too tired to go on a walk.” And they didn’t get the memo. Or any memo. Never did I indicate that I wanted to do anything with them :/ to avoid that situation I said “I should go back to my car now it’s gettin late.” They pushed the time they “had to be home” from like 8pm to 11pm to 12am. just trying to stay with me to get lucky or some shit… When we got to my car I told them before I would give them some condoms for their date tomorrow. They wouldn’t shut up about this girl every time we talked. And they got too personal for real. Saying weird innuendos like “I have a big car” or shii. Than said some shii about “it’ll only take 20 minutes” EW… I’ve been ignoring them since. And when I do reply I will give stale responses. Today they called me and txted “did I ruin our friendship?” 

I’m so sick of this. And every “friend” I make seems to want something from me. I don’t want friends anymore. I ignore people like that. And anyone that brings drama or problems into my life. If I am bothered by you I will ignore you to the fullest. I have cut a few people out of my life. But I feel like I just need to purge all of these people from my life until I find just somebody that seems to get me. And so far no luck. So lame. And this is why I don’t hope anymore. 

I live “reckless” or whatever you want to call it. I don’t eat (anorexia) food doesn’t bring me pleasure unless I’m stoned and get munchies. I have a bad sleep scedual. I stay up until my family comes home from their night shift. If they’re not working I go to sleep when they are waking up. The morning hours are so nice and quiet. The perfect hours to be totally alone and I love it. I don’t show emotion. I find I fake it alot. And when I feel like crying I’ll wait till I’m alone and silently let out a few tears. But I feel right back to normal after that. And feeling normal is feeling nothing. I drive fast and that can’t be good. I’m a heavy pot smoker and I use nicotine vapes alot too. I take Tylenol often, It eases the pain in my body but that’s all it helps with. If it takes my liver down the road let it. They can use my other organs when I’m gone. I’m an organ Donor so it’s not creepy creepy… 

But I digress. Isn’t it a bother when people tell you to “forget about it” and “don’t let it bother you” but when I do they call it a disorder?! What the hell.

Please if you have experienced indifference or apathy I’d like to talk. I’m trying to understand what I might have. My therapist will help me but I want to be sure I’m pointing in the right direction…