A few years back, I had to break things off with my best friend of 6 years due to lots of ups and downs and I stopped believing in friendship all together, of course I still put on a brave face for this other friend of mine who was there for me throughout that ordeal and many more after. Overtime, she became controlling and wanted me to be her best friend and wanted to keep me close. I started becoming withdrawn and lied to her about being her best friend. Though she did a lot for me my body and my mind wasn't physically ready to replace my former best friend. I was also going through the pressure for my exams at that time and a month earlier I  just recovered from typhoid. so all in all it was a lot for me. Things started getting worse when I had to regularly attend the same classes as my ex best friend and hear her shit talk about me. I self isolated myself, withdrew from everyone. my other friend started getting super toxic forcibly made me open about my trauma and abuse that made me self harm, mocked and insulted me with subtle jabs in front of other people almost everyday. I started crumbling apart, I was numb and I felt like it was all my fault and i fell on this deep hole of constant splitting, dissociating. Locked myself in my room for a year, cut off my social media. Now, I get way more emotionally drained by talking to people. I feel numb almost every other second. I have constant mood swings and I get nauseous when I try to eat. It also doesn't help the fact I still stalk my ex best friend and I'm slowly trying to erase myself again and I just feel so lost and there's this big gaping hole on my chest that doesn't leave and there is crazy agony which physically hurts and all my trauma comes rushing back. I question my existence almost everyday and suicidal ideation has become way too normal for me.