Hey all.

I know this seems really random, but...stick with me, here. In fact, if you know the Monster Hunter game series, you might even know where I'm going with this.

I actually wrote this in a post over at a gaming suggestions subreddit, but in retrospect I know that whenever I'm looking for an alternative to something, I'm never happy with alternatives because I want the actual thing.

It also ended up with over 80 comments(!) and I'm honestly a little nervous about going through those. Pretty overwhelming. Really didn't expect that type of response.

Quick backstory, I'm a 32 year old dude with a severe anxiety disorder. OCD, GAD, Depression, and as I've been learning, most likely religious trauma and possibly childhood trauma (or even C-PTSD) as well.

So! For anyone who's played Monster Hunter, you know that a lot of the monsters you fight aren't actually evil, city-destroying assholes like, for example, King Ghidorah from the Godzilla franchise.

Many of these things are basically just extremely dangerous and aggressive...animals.

When you get some of them weak enough, they try to flee, try to hide to heal and keep living.

That's already been kinda hard for me. I can still remember my very first day with Monster Hunter, which should've just stopped me right then and there. I remember slaying two Aptonoth, one big one little, and they kinda had a little bit of that death-twitch after they went down. I immediately took the game out of my 3DS and put it aside to return to the friend I had borrowed it from.

Since then I've actually tried many times to get into Monster Hunter in general. Growing up with Godzilla and Gamera, while now getting into Ultraman and similar shows, I'm big into kaiju. 

I *really* wanted to like this series. In fact, arguably, I do. There's loads about the series that I already love. The monsters are awesome and fascinating, all with incredible designs. The cat companions are adorable and speak exclusively in cat puns. The idea of picking apart pieces of mighty monsters to forge better armor and weapons is a really interesting system to me. And the fact that it's possible to just get lost in the grind could help me get my mind off things.

The most I've played is Monster Hunter Stories, which is lighter and softer than the main games, but still contains elements that are difficult when looked at in a certain light. I've played and failed to complete it two different times.

With all of this in mind, I went for the Monster Hunter Rise demo anyway.

I talked to friends and came up with different ways to view the game.

Most of it was knowing that I'm a person who *feels* too damn much and gets too into things, so on one hand I told myself that this is just a law-of-the-jungle type of game, no different that what happens in hunter/prey animal fights throughout the history of the planet. Could even make me more mindful of nature itself.

On the other hand, I tried to tell myself that, at the end of the day, it's just a video game. None of it's real, of course.

But I knew deep down that I'd have trouble regardless, since the part of me that's affected by seeing one of these injured beasts limping away isn't something I can easily dismiss by saying "what you're seeing is not real, so stop feeling that way."

If anything, it's a testament to how good Capcom is at making games.

But I appear to have given up, possibly for good, because I came across an item that I knew existed in the franchise but kinda didn't really hit me until now.

Wyvern Tears.

These monsters are apparently crying when I fight and kill them.

I even read that apparently you can cause a certain monster to drop these items (aka, *cry*) by stealing/smashing its eggs in front of it.

After that point, I was finished.

I'm weak. I'm just a weak-hearted person. I consider my empathy to be a strength in all areas of life, but here it's kind of embarrassing.

It's also worth mentioning that I don't want to get into this series if I'm going to start dulling my overly sensitive sense of empathy over time. Again, my empathy is important to me.

But still. **Tons** of people play these games and are mature or strong enough that it just doesn't bother them.

I guess I'm just...I dunno. A mess.

It's aggravating because I wish these things weren't treated like animals in an ecosystem, and were more like the classic, city-destroying, "I won't stop til I'm DEAD" types of monsters that get their asses kicked by Ultraman and Godzilla and such.

This is the first game I've probably ever dealt with where a realistic enemy I was fighting would decide, halfway through the fight, that survival was more important and would attempt to escape me. It's pretty jarring. Video game enemies in general tend to come at you til they're dead.

After reading a few of the comments on my original post before trying to go to bed, I found myself writing on my twitter account, basically journaling, and suddenly realizing that I was...surprisingly upset about this whole situation.

That's what brought me here. I honestly wish I had a therapist at the moment, since I'd rather talk to a therapist specifically, but writing here is the best I can do.

In this journaling, I basically said the following:

"Maybe I *should* just play this game.

Maybe it's time I grew the fuck up. Maybe I need to face hard shit instead of avoiding it all the time.

Maybe I could do with makng my heart a little bit harder.

I just don't know if that's how it works. I don't know if playing this game would be some sort of 'therapy,' in terms of making me emotionally stronger. 

Yet I'm worried enough that playing this game would somehow dull my sense of empathy."

Aaaaaand then I went in this direction:

"Know what? Maybe this doesn't have anything to do wiht empathy or video games or morality at all.

Maybe, **just maybe,** this is yet ANOTHER one of my disorder's creative ways to FUCK with me.

Maybe, if not for my disorder, I would know for certain that this is just a fucking video game, and then I could enjoy it like everyone else does.

Wouldn't be the first time the disorder worked itself into a situation in a weird way just to fuck around and make things worse.

**Honestly, ANY time I avoid ANYTHING, it should be a goddamn red flag that the disorder is active.**

**Because 99% of the fucking time, that is why I avoid things.**

**'Oh, this movie is too sad. This game is too depressing. This other game is too realistic.'**

**Avoid, avoid, avoid.**

**Maybe I *can* handle all the games and movies I want to enjoy. And maybe it's the disorder itself that's LYING to me and saying I'm NOT strong enough, when, in fact, maybe I am. And if I'm not, maybe I NEED to steer into these games and movies so I can GET stronger."**

So...yeah.

It comes down to something I've dealt with for a number of years now.

Does consuming depressing/upsetting media serve to make a person emotionally stronger, so they can experience and confront these difficult emotions?

Or is my avoidance in these situations *wise*, considering my heightened depression and anxiety lately, especially in regards to my life since moving away from home mid-2019?

And more directly, do I push myself forward into Monster Hunter, allowing myself to potentially build up natural emotional strength by getting my hands dirty in this virtual world? Or do I shelve this game, potentially for good, because I just don't have it in me to hunt the way everyone else does?

I don't know. I don't know the answers.