Passive aggressiveness is what I start with them I’m having an episode. It’s like it controls me. I can’t hold it in. Lashing out at the nearest person. One little thing that annoys me becomes huge. It becomes a fight. I slam doors. Im so childish. 

I’m so toxic. 

Then I have the nerve to obsessive over my bad before when people leave my life. Or when they last out back. I often wish they would have left my life a long time ago. Put themselves first. This is what happened with my best friend. She’s not perfect. She’s got an attitude and isn’t perfect. She’s selfish and triggers something in me. When she’s moody I’m triggered, especially because she denies it. Always does. Doesn’t dare think about it any other way.

But still, I’m toxic. 

I cringe at my past behavior.
I wonder if human connection is something I should even have. I feel like keeping things surface level is the best option to avoid repeating the cycle. Hurting people. I’m trying to change but I current have 1 tried and it’s extremely surface level. It doesn’t bother me though. She’s lucky.

I want to date but I fear the cycle.

Losing my best friend makes me want to change. She isn’t a bad person. I am not sure why she kept me in her life because at the end she called me a piece of shit. 

She thinks I’m a piece of shit and maybe I am. 

I try to stop obsessing over everyone I’ve ran away. Self sabotage is all I do. But I can’t stop obsessing. This is who I am right? Or is it my mental illnesses? Am I my mental illness. Is it everything I am and nothing better ? 

It’s why I’m suicidal too. Self hate. Feeling like it would be the only way people can understand how fucked  I am in the head. And I’d get to escape my brain. A win win! 

I am trying to change but I feel like it’s too late to be better. Honestly that’s how I feel. I’m to too late &amp; I should shut down and keep it that way. Go out with my one and new  friend, don’t open up much. Punish myself because I’m terrible. I don’t see how I deserve to forgive myself. I don’t see anything ahead of me that I wouldn’t fuck up. 

What’s the use of being alive if people who know me extremely well think I’m a piece of shit. That’s what I am then right ?? 

Changing doesn’t take anything back. I want to change and am trying but how can I know it’s working if no one is my life anymore ? 

I hate being me. A piece of shit. What do I do now ? Attempt to kill myself again? Try a different method, more fool proof? I’m suffocating myself. 

That’s all.