I've been trying to figure myself out for a long time now. 

I felt like I was a different person during my childhood years, gone through some metamorphosis between ages 11~14 and that I had changed completely to an unknown person during 15ies and then gone through some form of chronic dissociation until this year, when I experienced a great emotional catharsis. Since then I feel closer to myself compared to that darkest phase of all.

But I didn't feel like close to my child self again. Until now.

I am almost certain that I have BPD. I fear getting a diagnosis and I need my time to accept things, like I did until finally fully accepted my mother's narcissism.

It's a feeling. It was a mysterious feeling until I remembered what I've learned with dr. Sam Vaknin.

Vaknin says that personality disorders are never primary conditions. But they are narratives that our minds come up with to deal with trauma. The trauma happens because abuse makes our identities and memories fragmented. The way our brain uses to masquerade this is creating a narrative, that becomes the entire person's life. In the case of narcissists, like Vaknin itself, is the false self. In the case of BPDs is the unstable self.

I'm not being 100% serious while I say this. But I did feel like I was reintegrating my parts when I started looking at my past through the light of BPD. I feel closer to my wounded child, I see her without the shields. I'm feeling like I am coherent for the first time in my life.

I didn't seek help yet because I don't believe I'll get support, but all the time all I needed was help.

I'm curious to know about how you experience your sense of self. Let me know in case you can explain it. Do you also feel that you were different people during different periods of time in your life?