I've been seeing this person and things have been going well. What makes BPD so difficult is that you can't tell if you're being paranoid over nothing or if the red flags actually exist. I've been giving things the benefit of the doubt and chalking them up to the person being busy or "just how they are". This morning I woke up to a message saying, "I'm sorry, I'm dating Ruby, I can't have you on snapchat, I don't want to cheat on her".      

He told me about Ruby, his ex, and that they were done. So to get this message was a complete surprise and a complete loss of my trust. Of course, I spiralled. I went to bed and dreamed of my suicide. I'm always a second choice or not a choice at all. 

I think I'm done with putting myself out there and trying to date or have a good time. I always end up hurting. I can't even physically bring myself to cry anymore, I'm just numb. Like TV static or fizz on top of a carbonated drink.