I have tried to be a positive and supportive member of the subreddit for a while now, but looks like it is my turn to look for validation from this community. 

So I have the terrible habit of withdrawing socially when I’m not coping and then spiralling into self sabotaging behaviours when I withdraw socially from my friends/family/church. It is such a big issue for me that that my psychologist spent most sessions helping me overcome the habit of self imposed isolation when I feel like I have made any potential perceived mistakes during social interactions. 

Since COVID, I have basically had to self isolate and almost never allowed to attend church thanks to government regulations. I also had to leave my ESA (parrot) with my parents so I could move 200km to attend on campus classes for my youth work course; classes have been postponed indefinitely along with my placement. 

Moving had me put into a unit with a genuinely psychotic young person who completely burned me out and set off the worst parts of my BPD in a matter of 7 weeks. Cost me a fortune to move and now an entire semester of additional tuition fees because I haven’t been able to do any of my studies this semester because I am not coping with everything happening around me. 

Now I’m at the point of avoiding my medications, self starvation, not keeping my environment clean/tidy, not staying hydrated and ignoring all my usual routines/habits. 

It makes me so furious at the world and particularly myself because I feel like I should have breezed through this semester without drama or failure. 

Plus deep down the fact that I have burned out/not coped with the past 3 months Has me completely doubting my suitability for youth work to the point where I sometimes think that I will never be able to have a normal life and sometimes find myself within i would just drop dead from a heart attack. 

TL;DR : I’m not coping with the current COVID world, doubting my career change choice, angry that I have spent so much money moving 200km to just lock myself away in Isolation while avoiding study anyway.