I know that I will come off as a horrible person, but I had to go no contact with an ex. ( I was foolishly trying to remain friends. But considering we both have BPD, you see how that could be a huge problem. I did try...) Forgive me if my writing is erratic. Still reeling from my decision..  


To explain why I had to go NC, you need to understand my ex and why I can't have him in my life anymore. He is on the emotional side. In touch with his feelings and reguarly spoke about his mental health. Which is fine, I had no issues with it. ( But I did warn him in the beginning that I wasn't emotionally open and he needed to respect that. I don't like being pushed to talk about what's bothering me and when backed into a corner...I cut and run. It's just something that happens. I've been trying to fix it, but it's slow going. He said he respected that..)   


As time went on, he kept leaning on me as though we were still dating. I politely shifted the conversation without drawing attention to the elephant. ( Little things easily upset him and it could turn into a snow ball effect. You know how that goes with BPD. I've seen it happen to him before and I didn't want to trigger anything.) He saw this as deflecting and used old nicknames from when we dated. I immediately shut down the conversation and told him I had to go. Which no doubt upset him...   


I took some time to myself, as I always have to do so I can calm down. He messaged me with his usual loving nicknames and told me he was having a hard day. ( Which for him, is always. He reguarly skips his medication and then wonders why he's out of balance. You can't skip a dose and then take two when it's time for the next one. It will seriously fuck you up, but he never listens. He lives in the UK and to off set his medication...he drinks. Like I mean...drinks to the point where you'd think his liver would be screaming out in pain. )   


I admit, I cut and run when he needed me most. The thing that broke us up was his self harming. I don't do well with that...and he KNEW IT. But would send me pictures and show me what he had done. I told him I couldn't handle that...as I didn't want to relapse. Which he said he understood. I know I'm an awful person...which is why I tried to stay friends and be there when I could. ( Being that he's in the UK and I'm in the US, the hours are horrid..)   


But I can't do it anymore. He's emotionally and mentally unstable. Refuses to speak with his health professional because he thinks she won't listen and will talk down to him. They have his full case history and know how much he drinks and aren't aware that he's skipping doses of his meds. He's giving them half truths because in his mind he thinks they can't truly help him.   


He also likes to post on social media about his suicidal thoughts and makes vague references to how much he wants to die, that he's a coward for not just "doing it". He put this up on his stories on instagram and I just...I can't help him anymore. He doesn't want it and it's very clear that I need to put distance between us.   


I've made my decision and I know once he sees that I've deleted him on everything...he's going to snap and try to get back in touch with me. I'm not going to do it anymore. He's a manipulative person and refuses to see that he needs actual help.