when I’m feeling shameful and guilty I don’t want to burden my friends and family with all my gross feelings so I push them away. I avoid/dont reply to messages, I tell them I’m busy, I don’t reach out, etc. 

and when nobody reaches out I feel like nobody cares about me so it further confirms the belief in my head that I don’t deserve my friends or family. maybe also feeling like I’m not good enough to be with happy people because I’m feeling so down i’ll bring everyone else in the room down with me. 

then i’ll feel too shameful to message them again after so long (weeks-months) because I feel like they’ll be angry that I was gone for so long or that there just won’t be a connection anymore because it was so long. 

any advice or wisdom from people experiencing this or who have already experienced this is much appreciated. I really do miss my friends and family but I feel so shameful about reaching out.