My partner stormed out of my apartment for the first time in years while I was sobbing because he felt like I was blaming him for something when I was really just overwhelmed and feeling sad, triggered and scared. A few years ago when we were first dating I lived in a really shitty apartment and had to deal with bed bugs and roaches, it was a nightmare and I had to get rid of a lot of stuff and move to a new place (my current place). It was around the same time I started DBT therapy and was learning coping skills. I also started Lexapro which kinda calmed my anxiety. 

Anyway, things have been going mostly well for the last 3 years until last night. We were together in my current apartment when I saw a cockroach and after he killed it I basically had a meltdown, crying and worrying about going through hell again especially because I JUST got a new job so I went from being ecstatic about our weekend/new job to terrified/negative. He comforted me but this morning the feeling came back. I felt so powerless and emotional so I brought up a topic he doesn't like me bringing up which is us moving in together. It's a long story but basically his roommate moved out a while ago but left a bunch of his stuff there and is still paying his half of rent as a result. It's been there way too long and we've gotten into other arguments over it because he feels like he can't do anything about it without souring his friendship and I feel hurt, like he doesn't want to move in with me badly enough despite his constant reassurance that he does.

Anyway he got upset and left and it affected me in such a negative way, I found myself sobbing and screaming and I threw my phone on the ground multiple times to the point where it shattered and just doesn't work anymore. I feel so stupid and ashamed and it just dawned on me, I can't text him, all my pictures are probably gone etc... I feel like such a fucking idiot but I still want to scream as loud as I can and destroy things. The urge won't go away. It's a long weekend and I'm so hurt and offended that he would just leave me here alone this way, especially knowing how deathly terrified I am of cockroaches. I don't know what to do. I literally have no one I can confide in other than my mother about this because I'm too ashamed to tell my friends. We're close but not that close so I don't feel comfortable sharing these hardships with them. They know I have "depression and anxiety" like they do but they don't know anything about my past BPD behavour. I feel so pathetic man. I feel like I'm going to lose my long-term relationship because of my intense emotions and actions.