That it's makes me wanna skin myself alive. Even the smallest mention of my trigger tips me off and I'm fuming like a chimney. It makes me want to cause carnage and pain wherever I go. I'm not going to obviously as I have learned to control and contain my anger but it's like in a constantly simmering pot of water ready to boil over onto the stove top.  One of my biggest triggers is anything in regards to open/poly/hookups and casual sex or anything to do with someone having multiple partners. It's all due to trauma from the past and I'm aware that it is misplaced and cruel to automatically judge another person for their sexuality and their lifestyle but my rage is so strong that it eats away at me like the enzymes in a pineapple. Every time I hear or see someone who has an open sexual lifestyle I immediately think go into an inner rage that usually ends in some firm of self harm or me breaking something of mine. Just last night my family was talking about a neighbor of ours who has 2 girlfriends and is rather promiscuous and I went up to my room and ripped a pillow of mine to absolute shreds and then drank myself half to death. (It was also my birthday yesterday so I am kind of upset that my family would bring up one of my biggest triggers on my birthday) and one time an acquaintance of mine who herself was poly gave me a graphic novel about a poly couple and I guess she did it to help me understand and educate me about it but I couldn't get passed the first chapter and I destroyed the book. Tore it to shreds and dumped it in my fire pit. I offered to pay her back for ruining the book but she declined. I guess the point of this post is to illustrate how severe and over the top this illness can make people. One mention of a trigger and I morph into a raging beast. I'm going to be started dbt and proper trauma counseling soon and I'm hoping to make some proper steps towards recovery. I wanted to share this here because I'm hoping that you guys will understand. I'm not a mean or close minded person. I hate what bpd has done to me. I want to be a calmer and more accepting person.