I am in pain. I watched my mother die of CA, I loved her so much, she was such a good mother. I watched my dad die, I tried so hard to make him change his life style but after my mom died apart of him died too. I feel guilty that I missed symptoms
 I tried to save him, I revived him 3 times before 911 got here. But in the end, I couldn't save him. he was a great dad and I miss him too so very much. I still remember him gasping for air and then stopping.

My wife has an incurable illness that will get worse with time. It's rare. I find myself obsessing over the slightest changes for her. I thought something was wrong with her tonight, I check her vitals so many times. I cant lose her too.

I pray to anything but nothing answers me. I am not religious I tried but nothing works. I cry silently so I dont worry my wife.  I take my meds to help dull the pain I am in. the constant anxiety i feel its eating away at me...

I slowly await oblivion...I truly dont want to go...but I feel my life slowly tick away as I desperately try to hold onto my existence, despite my life being full of pain. when did my life become like this?