I'm 29. I'm intelligent and talented, I learn fast and generally I have a good "sense of" everything. There wasn't a single subject I was struggling with and I got admitted to the best universities. 

Only my personality is a mess, I yearn success and yet I don't work hard for it because I have a general feeling of "nothing is worth anything", since life is a struggle in general, I will just have a mediocre life in all likelihood and once I have a family everything becomes boring and then I die. I have a feeling that everything is utterly flawed and meaningless and the only way of life that would feel worth living for me is to use 110% of my potential, be famous, envied and talked about wherever I go. To be well-versed in a range of things, be a sportsman, be the leader of the student organization, have lots of friends, be adored by girls. Be masculine, reject comfort, be able to create a lot from the little, much like Tyler Durden in Fight Club. I want to be independent. I think deep down I always wanted to be as widely qualified as a secret agent. Even as a kid I gathered information whenever I could. I want to have a mission and I want to be passionate about it. I want to be an expert. That's what I should be.  


I'm absolutely far from this ideal. I'm lonely, had only a few months of relationship in my life and my cv is almost empty. My only degree is a major I never intended to finish and I've got lots of unfinished ones. By this age I wanted to travel and experience a lot, which I did not. I feel I never underwent any initation when my abilities are truly tested and where I have to learn how to survive and be strong.   


My whole identity is based on the idea that I am smart and I should be the best at something. I feel like I am losing the opportunity to become who I should become, I'm getting old to utilize the potential of a young age. E.g. I want to leave my country and live a better life, which I totally could but I wasted my time instead of making myself a valuable expert who has excellent opportunities abroad. And I feel that the only thing keeping me alive is hoping that this is not yet over and I can turn my life around, I can go back to uni, I can make myself known, I can realize my potential. But I am really afraid that it's too late for that already. I'm just old to compete with people who start something at 16 and do it with passion.