So I literally sucked my boyfriends dick and wanted to because I knew it wouldn't lead to him having sex with me. Which I knew would end in me dying in a fetal position crying. I did it for self harm. I pleasured him at my own expense. I used him to hurt my own self image. I felt like a worthless whore which I am. I feel if he had sex with me I'd feel instantly better, but he chooses not me. If he wanted to have sex with me my heart wouldn't be able to contain the happiness. Am I broke or just really fucked up? This has been a long cycle with the tow of us where if I don't get my needs met, I break down and want to die.