TW: self h*rm and more

So I’ve dealing with depression for years now and have recently changed medications from Zoloft to trintellix. It had not been easy, nausea and stomach issues are awful and on top of that im more depressed than I was and always weepy. 

I’ve been struggling for years now and at this point idk if it’s the depression or me (laziness etc) that’s causing my misery. I’ve not been able to do anything with my life and have been jobless for two years now. I did manage to get an offer letter but the company backtracked and rescinded it’s offer. I’ve a masters in engineering and I feel like an absolute failure. 

My partner who claims that I don’t have to deal with depression alone just berated me for crying and ruining his day. That I can just say depression and stay in bed while he has to work. In his words I say that I’ve depression and yet I do nothing about it. Like applying for jobs, being consistent with efforts, upskilling etc. It makes me feel awful like I’m a burden on everyone and that nobody really gets it. 

I used to self h*rm but I made a promise to him that I wouldn’t anymore but I so feel like it. Honestly self h*rming is pointless and I just wanna end it. I don’t see the point of going on right now. I know it’s a crisis and I’ll feel ok after sometime but this is a pattern I’m stuck in. Maybe my own doing. But frankly I don’t even have the courage to end things either.

I’m in therapy and on meds but I just can’t seem to beat it. Can anyone offer any perspective or any advice than can make me feel any better?