Hi! I’ve been dating my partner for around a year now. She has epilepsy, and usually has 1-2 tonic clonic seizures a month. We are both in our early 20s. She also has depression and anxiety. I myself have OCD, depression, and anxiety. 

I knew she had epilepsy when we started dating, and I thought that I could handle it well.  She was so amazing, so it definitely seemed worth it. I’ve witnessed several seizures, and when they happen, I do handle them very well. I turn her on her side, make sure her head isn’t bouncing off the floor, and give her an emergency pill. In June, she had a brain surgery to try and get rid of the epilepsy. It didn’t work. She dealt with the surgery so well though, and I stayed in the hospital with her to be there for her. 

I love her a lot, and she loves me so so so much. She calls me her rock. But I’m scared now, when I think about the future. I’m always nervous when we’re out in public; because if she were to have a seizure, we would be the center of attention. That’s horrible to say, and of course I would be focusing on her and making sure she is okay, but in the back of my mind I will also know everyone is watching us. This causes me to have anxiety when we are out, and unfortunately it makes me not really look forward to going out and doing things with her. I still force myself to do so, because it wouldn’t be fair for her if I didn’t. About a month ago, I was feeling very guilty about these thoughts, and I ended up telling her (she knows about my OCD). She totally understood, But I really regret telling her that. It wasn’t something she should have had to hear, and it’s a thought that should have stayed in my brain (which is difficult for me, thanks OCD). 

I also get scared about thinking, “what if it gets worse.” I don’t make a lot of money, and what if it gets worse and she’s unable to work. That would make our life even more difficult. It all sounds selfish, but these are the thoughts going through my brain. 

I love her, and don’t want to see her hurt herself. She recently just had a seizure in the shower, and luckily- she fell in a way where she didn’t hit her head that hard. But what if at some point she does. She lives an hour away and can’t drive, so sometimes it does get draining driving there. 

All these factors are building up in my brain, and it’s really tough. I love her a lot, but this is hard for me. I feel cowardly, but I know I cannot help the way that I feel. If I break up with her, I’d rather do it sooner rather than later, as she has such a strong attachment to me that grows every week.