I kept telling myself once I got to a place where I wasn’t in a constant state of distress thing would be better I’d be happy. Now I’m afraid of living even more the longer things go the less functional I am, the worse I get, the more people get implicated in my bullshit. 

Honestly I feel like killing myself is inevitable. I know I won’t right now but when I think about it it’s because I can’t stand the thought of being a bigger disappointment. I feel like if people really saw me they would be just as repulsed as I am and that would make things easier  because then I could just die