I’m sad

I feel like I have everything I want but am depressed. 
One thing for sure - I wish I could talk.
When I’m not required to talk for my job, I can’t talk to anyone . It’s hard for me. I go to the gym everyday and just looking the workers in the eyes and saying hi is hard for me , I’ll do it , trying to make myself better at talking . 
But I hate it. 
I always tell my self “alright ima go in , say hi and just ask about there day or what are they up to “ you know just something to talk about . I know they all like me - I ’ve talked to them before and they see me all the time. I gotta buddy who talks to everyone, idk how he does it
But I wish I could, im jealous .
In public I walk with my head down, no eye contact with anyone. 
When I go to the store I practically super walk grab what I need and leave.
I don’t know what to say to people - don’t know how to talk.
Maybe I’m waiting ? Someday they’ll just come up to me and spark a conversation?

Now at my new job-
Im the life of the party.
Everyone is laughing.
I’m talking my lungs off.
People WANT me to work with them because how I am and my personality.
I’m talking to strangers having conversation.


My other job everyone sees me as one one the funniest people ever.
I’ll walk on the floor and people are saying hi to me and I’m saying hi back!
Conversations with everyone.

I love it 

But

It’s not me. Idk how to explain it. But I wish it was me. Both my jobs. When I put on the uniform it isn’t me. But I wish it was. 
My new partner asked me one day jokingly “ MAN YOU NEVER SHUT UP ARE YOU LIKE THIS TO EVERYONE?!?!” As he laughs 

But 
For me I froze , I didn’t know what to say , a couple seconds felt like forever
I wasn’t ready for a question like that 
Didn’t think someone would say that

Little does he know , as out going I as I seem it’s all fake 

I don’t have anyone 
I’m alone
As soon as I get back in my car it’s all gone
Silence
I go home to my family and it’s easy to be fake I guess , you know all the usual  stuff , how was your day etc.
Sometimes tho im surprised they can’t tell something is wrong with me 
I just go upstairs and stay locked up until I go to the gym or I need food 
I don’t hang out with no one
I don’t have anyone offering to hang out with me or anyone texting me about my day or anything.

Now-

I’m doing good for myself that’s the thing 
I brought my dream car cash when I was 21 
That didn’t help at all ,22, now and I still feel the same , I thought having a nice car would help with my talking to people problem , idk , more confidence maybe 

I’m in the military and work as a police officer at 22

I’m set-life is good 

So why isn’t it?


One thing I realized 
Is how strong someone needs to be to take there own life.