It’s so shameful in hindsight.

When I was a teenager, I was extremely out of control. I was so much more needy and insecure. I was physically abusive, I’d throw things, scream, blame and accuse.

I give my partner props for staying with me all these years and don’t blame him at all for wanting to leave me at times.

He’s not blameless too though. He can be very insensitive and unempathetic.

He’s not super self aware of that aspect of him I don’t think, so he doesn’t work on it. And if he does realize and just doesn’t care then that’s a whole different ball game.

I also can’t fully blame myself because I wasn’t fully aware at the time and didn’t even understand myself. I was still in the midst of being abused and always preoccupied with not getting yelled at or thrown out of the house.

I didn’t really have time to safely self reflect. Always in the run in search of safety.

I honestly couldn’t escape that kind of unsteady environment until I was around 23.

I had no sense of security and stability until I finally moved away on my own. That only lasted 3-ish years though, which isn’t hardly enough for me to heal.

I built the foundation for my financial security during those years. I threw myself into work and didn’t make time for self-reflection or healing.

It’s only now that I’m in my late twenties that I’m realizing all this and understanding that I was a product of my tumultuous childhood.

I just feel so very sorry and regretful for being a little jealous, insecure, abusive and controlling jerk.

I’m trying very hard to become a better person. I’ve been so deep in the psychology, trauma, and putting things I learn into practice.

It’s hard as hell, but I can see my growth. I can see myself healing. I am learning about myself for the first time, and also allowing myself to be myself.

It’s liberating.