I’m not sure why I’m posting this, maybe because here someone will understand unlike anyone in my life atm.

I’ve recently gone sober and cut my medication down after a while of being clean, in order to not bombard myself. 

I quit a daily almost half litre vodka habit along with quitting smoking and taking drugs. Apart from some frustration and boredom I got through largely without issue. I felt more clear and level overall.

However when I cut my mitarzapine from 15 to 7.5( mind you this 2 months after quitting everything else) I’ve been been feeling awful. In the past I’ve reduced my dose by half from 30, when I had overcome my worst after a long time (6 months)

This time I feel awful. I’ve had my first panic attack in almost years that was not related to substance abuse, and my anxiety which, already  bad is now through the roof. Every I do that doesn’t involve doing nothing corners me like a beat dog.  I am a complete paranoid mess because of it and my thinking is completely irrational and approaching any social situation leaves me a mess and probably confusing people. Apart from that anxiety I feel nothing, again not uncommon for me but it’s significant. This ties in with me constantly now dissociated, I don’t get it. Nothing feels real, I feel dead and everything is a dream. I’m so dead and depersonalised and nothing wakes me up. I’ve curbed self harm but I guess I do in one way, which is to have a scalding bath which does burn me red, to try to make me feel alive but it does nothing. I don’t have impulses but I’m stuck feeling so dead and empty. My life is slipping me by and I’m 19 with no direction. 
I don’t want to really die, but I’m so stuck.