I met someone a couple of months ago. They ended up being turning into my FP shortly after. He came along and he was the only one who understood me, he understood my trauma, my baggage, all of my pain and the only thing he wanted was to make me happy. I saw him every single day and he managed to make me smile on the days I just wanted to fucking end it all. 

The one thing that was ever a problem was his ex girlfriend, we all work together and he still talks to her. He claims that if he ever were to be seen even talking to a girl at work that she’d threaten to kill herself. And I understood it, I get it, I really do. He hates how it takes over his life. I know what it’s like to be that girl. But it turned into an insecurity no matter what he did.

My stupid mind, what a stupid crazy fucking mind I have. I see it for what it is, I see the love but for some reason I just can’t take it in no matter how hard I try. I manage to make these impulsive decisions that just fuck up everything, I turned him against me by breaking his trust, overstepping my boundaries with him, I looked through his phone, his laptop, everything. I can’t help it in the moment, when I feel doubt everything cancels out and I hate it, that’s all I feel. I hate him for a second and then it all goes away, i haven’t managed to calm myself down from splitting whatsoever. 

He’s gone now. He went off at me, and from what it looks like, I turned into the girl he never wanted me to be. We borderlines love hard sometimes, way too fucking hard for our own good, and it hurts. I feel at a loss, I don’t know what to do and I need help, I feel like I’m spiralling back into a darker place. I need him here more than he needs me. It sucks because I wanted to be better for him, I took initiative to take care of myself more for him, and now I don’t want it anymore. I don’t feel like I have a purpose if he’s not there, I love him too much and I can never get him back.