I don’t know what to write here, it’s like writing a letter and putting it in a bottle to throw into the sea. I guess it’s helpful to write this though. 

It’s hard enough to fight during normal days when you feel low, depressed and broken. Each day seems to bring less energy, and yet life moves forward. Unfortunately in my case, it’s moved forward into even more depression and suffering. Over the last month or 2 a growth/lump has gotten steadily worse. Having seen a dermatologist recently I was told they think it’s ‘maybe’ benign, but it could be something deadly and that they aren’t sure. I’m waiting to hear for a second appointment in 2-3 weeks time. 

I already had no energy, and now my entire days are fatigued by thoughts and researching things (even though it’s unhealthy to do that. My health issue is well known to be difficult to diagnose without biopsy, so any research just confirms nothing). Adding to this stress is being a carer for a parent, which is fine, but they are not of good health so I can’t stress them out. I must use whatever energy I can muster up to keep a barrier around them. 

All of this on top of the depression that I (and many of you) experience is really testing me. I may not enjoy life at the best of times, but my parent’s need me and the fact I struggle in life doesn’t mean I want to actually suffer with things like this. My brain is going around in constant circles looking for answers that don’t yet exist. For years depression has attacked my mental health, and it’s rapidly getting worse. 

Depression is hard enough as it is, but a hard thing to experience is knowing more and more can be added into it like a bottomless container, and make previous worst days feel like a paradise in comparison. How ironic to miss bad days of the past. My depressed state now is making me tired all the time, yet I can’t sleep. I’m desperately seeking some core strength to fight but with no energy and nothing but a lack of answers along with specialists already saying they don’t know, I’m in a bad state. Regardless of outcome in the future, I feel this is deeply damaging me. 

Hardest thing is that just as it always is with depression, no words can ever truly feel strong enough. Help cannot exist when it’s the unknown we’re fighting, as an already broken down vessel. Off you go, bottle in the sea.