I’m a 26y/o f who started out with so much excitement, hope, and promise after I turned 18 and got accepted into a major university. 8 years later as I look at this whole train wreck of a journey I can see that I have nothing to show for it. I had hard high school years like many you know. Nothing out of the ordinary that should make it harder for me than most: bullying, sexual assault, lgbt questioning, and parental divorce. Despite those things I went on to complete undergrad although I’ll admit it was painful. 4 major changes and 5 years later and they spit me out with a bachelors degree in psychology. I fooled myself into believing the pain I’ve lived through could be used to help others. Or that I could be an asset in the mental health world given my personal experiences but I’ve only gotten lost farther in the dark along the way. Now with a masters degree in mental health counseling and a full time job as a crisis counselor I am able to look at the entirety of my situation and just laugh at what an utter joke of a human being I am. I am only living for my mom and my dog and I fear what happens when they aren’t around anymore. It’s like there’s two realities of myself. In one I’m the relatable peer who helps people heal from the past and serves to help and inspire. On the other side I am a weak and battered husk, so emotionally damaged that my mental anguish is the championing voice. As a mental health professional I know all my options already. I have an amazing therapist who’s been by my side in trying to help me shed this pain and heartache. And yet the professional me fights against the more broken side and I feel like I’m losing my mind. All to say I’m in a fight I can’t win, and I hate myself for where I am. I feel like a fraud and a hypocrite. What I need most in the world is to hit the pause button and to just be able to exist and prioritize the things that feel good and nothing else. Alas that is impossible. I have to work to live and I’ve already started off my life with poor financial decisions so you know how that story goes. Maybe I could benefit from living off the grid for a while but I don’t have any skills for building or foraging. Of all the combinations in the gene pool why did it have to be me?