My (now ex) FP had been together for nearly 4 years. I’m not gonna say our break up was entirely my fault, but I definitely was the reason things permanently ended. We lived together for 3 years in my parent’s house and finally moved out together in January, a goal we had together for so long. The fights became so bad. He kept hurting me. I would break up with him in the moment, but never intended on it being permanent. It was manipulative. I knew he would come crawling back to me and begging for me back, we also lived together, I knew there was no way we would ever actually end. Until it did. 

During our third and final breakup in February, I told him he had hurt me so many times and we needed a bit of a breather from each other. We still hung out every day after that, still had sex, not much had changed. I thought breaking up with him would make him realize he was losing me and he would change his behavior. I knew a life without him didn’t exist so I knew everything would be fine. Until I actually felt himself starting to distance himself. This sent me into a spiral. My fear of abandonment kicked in. Yes, I broke up with him, but my manipulative and narcissistic mind didn’t think he would actually be done. *TW* One day, he didn’t talk to me the entire day. He had never done that in 4 years. He came home and went to sleep on the couch. This sent me into an episode. I went out to the living room and slit my wrists in front of him. He told me in that moment is when he stopped loving me. I did it as a cry for help so he could realize I need him. And it did the exact opposite. He kicked me out of the apartment the next day. I had to move over 40 mins away from my friends and family because no one would take in our cat that we got together. 

Since February, he has not wanted to talk to me. He has wanted to go full no contact. I couldn’t handle it, I couldn’t just leave him alone. I kept begging for him back and telling him I would get help and change. He refused to take me back and told me he didn’t love me anymore. We planned to get married and have kids and my mental illness ruined everything. I don’t think any one will ever be able to love me. He blocked my number so I kept downloading texting apps and begging to speak to him. He would call, I’d beg for him back, he would say no and block me again. This has been going on over a month. I feel so fucking guilty because of what I did to him and also the fact that all he wants is to be left alone and I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t know how to live without him. I literally cannot sleep or eat, I have constant panic attacks. My friends keep telling me I am actively self harming by not letting him go but I genuinely do not know how to move on. This break up was all my fucking fault. Why didn’t I just work things out with him?