i have no idea how to stop, but i need to because it’s hurting and triggering me so much. every single thought i have throughout the day involves them somehow.    i am extremely attached to them and dependent on them emotionally but i cannot contact them because they blocked me everywhere. it’s killing me, it feels like they’re killing me and want me dead. i don’t know why they won’t just have a conversation with me. it’s been months since they left. i have tried distracting myself with hobbies like painting, reading, crochet but my brain doesn’t ever switch off thinking about them. it is NON-STOP and it’s killing me, it’s so unhealthy for me. even when i go to sleep, nearly all of my dreams involve them and it’ll trigger me more. i get anxious dreams about them and wake up with my heart beating out of my chest. i end up associating everything with them and i just spend my whole day thinking about them. i want to get them out of my brain. 

i hate it so much, it’s so frustrating. i cannot escape my obsessive thoughts. i feel disgusting and gross because i never want to be labelled as a stalker or a creep. i would constantly message them for reassurance or comfort and they blocked me on everything which feels like a knife in my chest. i drove them away and i feel so horrible and guilty for it because i know that it’s all my fault. i hate myself so much. i’m so confused over the whole situation and have so many memory gaps because it’s been extremely distressing for me. it’s like i just black out because i get so emotional and distressed. i want to talk to them more than anything. they’re gone and i can’t cope with them leaving. 

i’ve tried blocking all their profiles, deleting apps, etc. but it is so easy to just reinstall anything i deleted when i’m impulsive and triggered. 

i really need advice or just anything because i cannot handle this. has anyone else felt like this??? i have been stuck like this for nearly 5 months and i don’t know how i am still alive to be honest. it’s getting really, really bad for me and i’m honestly scared. i feel so out of control and i’m severely depressed.