sometimes i remember how fucked up i am and how fucked up my life is and i have a rough night or week or few days and then i go back to forgetting it all. its like theres two versions of me. one whos depressed and wants to die and the other whos also depressed and wants to die but cant yet because i feel guilty and need to give back to those who’ve helped me. and right now im the latter. last night was rough i cried and remembered except the pain i usually feel in my chest was gone. i wanted to feel it so badly but i couldnt. and then i fell asleep. i was supposed to do my laundry that night but i just wanted to cry and not do anything. and today i woke up and did a few of my chores to prepare for a room inspection my building is going to do. i think i forget so that i can do things. like im doing things but im not really processing or thinking. i feel like im on autopilot all the time. and then when i process things its a while later. the people around me forget i have depression too. and they all think i have more money than i actually do but i dont even have 100. i fucking hate that they forget. im on autopilot again and i cant express ir explain how i feel it would take too long because im not good with words but ugh whatever