 

I am not okay. Most days I’m okay then in a split second I’m crying because I’m trying so hard to convince myself I'm okay. I just want everything to be okay. I want to love my life and to love myself but I don't. I try so hard to put on a brave face for my family but it’s getting harder. I go into my room just crying because I don't like myself. I try to convince myself that I like myself but I don't. I just want to go back to that happy girl I was but I don't know how to. Sometimes I think that if I lost weight everything would be okay. I think I hated myself before I gained all this weight. I think the weight just made me hate myself more. I don’t know what's wrong with me. Maybe it’s just all in my head. What makes it worse is that i don't have anybody to talk to about this. I wish I could talk to my mom but i know what she’ll say ‘’You just need to lose the weight you'll be okay’’ The first time she told me that we were at a hotel and she caught me crying asked what's wrong and i told her i hate myself. I just kept repeating that. I know she was trying to make me feel better but those words broke me even more. So I write my feelings out hoping to get it off of my chest. It helps a little but I still feel so bad. I have some things to be proud of like I’m starting college in 2 weeks. But I’m so scared I’m going to fail my mom. I just want to make her happy. I just want to be happy. I guess I’m just too broken.