I have very few places that I feel completely accepted and loved, like count on one hand.  I have one ride or die friend, I have some pets.  I have a reptile, she has like 1.22 brain cells, I still love her though. 

And I have 3 cats.  All of them are amazing, but one in particular- Morris- is the purest soul.  He was never anything but gentle and affectionate to every person or animal he met.  He was chonky but loved to run and play.  He sensed my emotions the most accurately. And he most likely saved my life one night.  He seemed to know a BPD/suicidal episode was coming, he stuck to me like glue.
 And when I was on the floor, sobbing, in some of the worst pain I have felt, think there is only one way out, he sat there, with his paw on my hand, purring loudly for at least an hour.  I went back to bed and he went with me. I woke in the middle of the night and he’d gone off to do his kitty things once he knew I was safe.

As you can probably guess, Morris crossed the rainbow bridge on Monday.  I knew he was sick on Saturday morning, by the evening, even with starting some medication- I had intuition he’d be leaving before I was ready.  I turned out to be cancer and he went through every single thing cancer patients go through in 36 hours. I stayed with him and I hope he knew I was there and have him some comfort even though I couldn’t take the pain away.  We had decided to hospitalize him, then they found the cancer.  We went to say goodbye but he passed before I got there.

I have NO clue what to do with myself.  “It’s just a cat.”  I kept flashing back to the pain and misery I know he was in and how he slowly faded.  He got pain relief at the end and was pretty zonked but I’m afraid he knew he was alone.

I just, can’t deal.  I am in therapy, I can use my distress tolerance skills like TIPP to kind of get through a wave of grief that makes me want to collapse, but I have no idea where to go from here.  I am in between individual therapists- I see one on the 21st.  Maybe a good time for a coaching call, which I have never used…

I don’t know. I’m lost.