My (32M) wife (28F) wants kids, and I'm scared she can't really handle them. She's what I would call high functioning. There has been times where she will have a bad day, and even though I understand she feels things quicker and more intensely, the reality of the actual situation is not bad. It's one thing for her to spin out and move on, no harm no foul, and that's something I can deal with, even though it's hard and stressful. However, I fear being put in a situation where she's having a meltdown, and there's kids present. 

Normally, when she's having an episode, she will be inconsolable, depressed, angry, aggressive, irrational, scared, and have suicidal thoughts; which she's afraid she will submit to. 

Last two situations:

We traveled in South America for close to a year, which is a dream for most people, and one day went to the beach. Everything was good. She was a bit clumsy that day and irritated. The beach had strong waves that knocked her down and frazzled her a bit, her top came loose, she lost her sunglasses, and was understandably upset and frustrated by this. She grabs her snorkeling gear, to go search for the glasses, gets knocked down again and loses the gear. I get it, shitty day.

We decided to leave, she is holding back tears, which start pouring out when were secluded. She's sobbing uncontrollably. We sit down and I'm trying to calm her down, it's just a bad day, tomorrow will be back to normal. She starts talking of how she's sick of life, how she just wants to die and be done. Sad for the rest of the day, next day apologizes to me for freaking out. I tell her not to worry, I understand, everything's fine. Concern for the future grows a bit.

..........

With Corona, I get things are fucked up. She's tired of being at her sister's place and feels like a burden because we can't be independent. We backpack. We don't have the funds, nor the intentions, of having a place. Her sister got a place for herself, but never stays here. She got it for us apparently, even after we told her not to. She assured us it was for her, but now is saying it's too expensive and she's moving again once we leave. She's very caring and we honestly didn't have a chance to change her mind.

So, my wife hates the fact that we are, in her mind, a burden. That we need help from her family and can't stay here on our own. She hates that we can't travel. Again, not something we can control. And she hates her hair color after dying it. These this are irritating for her, but very temporary. In a few months we'll be leaving to travel and she knows that.

She's pretty stressed about possibly needing some type of care in the future, in which we might not have enough money to cover it. That's stressful and understandable. We can just get travel insurance, but she's stressed over needing money and being low.

She wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me these things, which is fine. She didn't want to be alone with her thoughts and was scared. We talked, I tried to explain in a calm manner that everything would be fine. I went through the points of us not being a burden, that her sister made the choice and it's not our fault, even though her sister seems totally fine with what she has done.

The problem being, she's not able to listen and understand these things. She's kicking and punching the wall, she's afraid she's going to be aggressive towards me (we had a bad couple of months where she had drunken episodes and attacked me). She says she needs help, like psychotherapy, but then doesn't want to lose the money, as she has told me she did therapy before for issues and it didn't help. Not sure if she has done DBT. She had suicidal thoughts over this also. The next day she apologizes, says it's not so bad, she's just tired of this lockdown.


I'm debating on what I should do here. Try to get her to bite the bullet, try DBT, spend more time here, where she doesn't want to be, in the hopes that it'll help her... Demand she do therapy? I just can't stand the thought of bringing kids into this world and having to either have them there when she has a meltdown, or having to choose between taking care of them or her, when she is talking of suicide and will seek me in this time.

Thanks if you read this. I'm really trying to work things out here, but I'm not a professional therapist. I'm not trained to deal with these things. It's hard for me to be the rock, always in control of myself. Any thoughts are appreciated.