I find that I am constantly fighting HatefulBitch!me so everything I say sounds vaguely passive-agressive. For example, my roomie told me some good news yesterday. Instead of giving her the response I would've wanted for good news, I fought tooth and nail just to lightly congratulate her. 

When she tells me bad news, I get to watch the car crash that is half of me fighting to be sympathetic and the other half fighting to invalidate her. It comes out somewhere in the middle and I can't seem to stop it.

Being around people blanks me out. I'm babbling but my head just sounds like white noise and I don't get control back until I'm alone and can stress about what I did or did not say. It's just a bit worse knowing even when I'm on guard for it, the bitter, angry, ruthless part of me can't be fully put away.

It's like I know what I wish I had (excitement when I'm excited, comfort when sad, so on and so forth) but instead of being the nice person who can give that to others the way I used to, I just feel contempt, shame for feeling that contempt, then my actual emotional response, with more contempt for good measure.

 I don't want to hurt the people I love but depending on what reaction they're looking to me for, I want them to be hurt. Idk if this makes sense, I tried though. SOL for a tldr, this was the summary lol