My partner has had issues with clenching his jaw from anxiety due to my past bpd episodes (I used to have them 24/7, now I have a lot better control and will maybe have a couple a month at most if at all). He’s recently started a band and was telling me that he’s getting jaw pain from singing in the studio. He’s planning on seeing a vocal coach so I suggested that maybe the vocal coach would be able to help with that. He immediately got very defensive with me and despite me trying to explain my thought process he kept getting more upset and agitated. I extremely struggle with conflict and agitation aimed at me due to my childhood trauma but I tried my best despite being triggered to not be agitated back and managed to ask him calmly every time he interrupted me to stop (which happened about 7 times). The conversation went from his upset at my suggestion to talking about how the jaw pain is my fault and describing many of the previous episodes I’ve had. I had already gone numb and sort of shut down from his agitation and this added to it. He wanted me to be more responsive and supportive about how he was feeling and I kept explaining that I was really struggling because of how numb and withdrawn I felt but I did make sure I was telling him I understood his feelings and apologised many times. He went downstairs after a while of this back and forth and I kinda just hid under my blanket because I wanted to just be away from life. He came back upstairs and pulled my blanket off me wanting to know what I was doing and after a lot of him ranting at me about how I caused how he’s feeling, he ended up saying it was unfair that I’m not able to help him right now. That upset me a lot because he caused me to shut down in the first place by getting agitated when I suggested the vocal coach may help.

I fully understand his upset around his jaw pain and the situations that contributed to it but I feel like I’m not allowed to get upset myself and if I do I have to just ignore it to make him feel better.

It’s exhausting because it takes all my energy to not let my emotions get the best of me and turn into an episode but I don’t know how to handle situations like this when I just don’t know how to support him. It feels like I’m not allowed to be upset at how he acted towards me because my bpd episodes caused the pain he’s dealing with in the first place 

I’ve been to many therapists and feel I’ve improved greatly in holding back my emotions but I don’t know how to handle situations like this