Im scared, like actually terrified. I know everyone from my past isn’t the same. New. People. Arent . The. Same. But i just cant... its so hard. The way i want to connect with others but im so scared and emotionally drained.  how do I ever..really trust to get close with someone like that again... Im currently trying to unpack some really deep core wounds of abandonment. I don’t open up to a lot of people when it comes to the things i’ve been through but i finally did it with my ex (when we were dating).  I opened up to my ex about having bpd. The traumas and how i felt like i was unlovable person. How I wish i was normal to receive love.  i just felt like everyone close would leave me. He cuddled me and held me and said that i was lovable and held me while i cried into his lap.

 Not even a month later, we have a small talk about phone numbers and I told him I don’t remember peoples numbers. He got annoyed and snappy with me saying “wowww we have been fucking for 2 years and you don’t even remember my number?...I guess you just aren’t ready for my love. Not ready for all the money and dates and gifts I saved for you. Really was ready to go all out and spoil you but I guess we just have to wait till September” ... (it was early august when he said this and has been talking about it for months)


When we broke up he also said he wouldn’t leave me, that day, that it was just for one night that we would be ok. Then turns into ghosting and “i think i’m good for the rest of my life. I can live without ever seeing or talking to you ever again.” 


The abandonment ..god it really scares me it really does i don’t know what to even do anymore, its paralyzing.