Apologies if this is long. Context needed. I’m 32F, single and chronically ill. Lost my mother at 23. She was my life, depressed and sad and lonely, but the love of my life, along with my two older brothers. They were very rough to me until adulthood but we’re good now.

My father left us when I was two. Had his new family with his mistress and new baby girl and he is really close to her. Never cared about the 4 he left behind since.

My brothers and I have worked really hard on maintaining contact with him, he’s a narcissistic asshole but with time, we all assumed it was better to take the little we could ask of him than feeling like orphans and living with a father who doesn’t care at all and let it die.

For the past 3 years I’ve made tremendous efforts to improve our relationship, never gave up, ignored his mean or condescending remarks and only provided love to him. I’m always the one reaching out, calling, every 3/4 months, and I go see him once or twice a year. I had the feeling we were starting to develop something, not much but something deeper. I was even happy to talk to him sometimes. I felt as if we connected somehow, and that was a relief in my life.

But recently I went through a really rough depression / suicidal phase and my brothers were really worried about me. I never told my father. One of them went to see him and told him, asking for him to call me on occasions because he thought I really needed the support from my family. 

His answer was, « There is always something wrong with your sister, all she does is complaining, all the time, I don’t have answers for her and I can’t help her so I’d rather not hear from her at all from now on. »

I am not sure why I’m posting this here. I cried briefly the moment my brother told me but I guess I’ve been improving a lot in therapy these past few months, and learned to be less vulnerable to rejection. 

But still, considering he is the main reason I have BPD, and the fact that this is the ultimate abandonment, I feel weird. I was wrong all along thinking we were building something and he never actually cared.

He is a poor, pathetic man, who was never fit to be a father. I don’t know if I’m dissociating or if I’m starting to get over him, at last. 

I gave it my best. 

Goodbye dad