I've always struggled with my mental health, it took 2 suicide attempts before I actually tried to get help. I've seen 3 therapists now and have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I've never found therapy useful given I'm unable to be honest in my sessions with them. I can't control it, even though all of me wants to be honest with how I'm feeling and how I actually see myself but I find myself making small white lies constantly, describing things in a way I think a "normal" personal would. I'm so terrified of them judging me, even though the logical part of me knows it's their job and they are trained to help, not judge. I just can't seem to stop myself from trying to come across as fair/normal/polite as possible, even if it means I don't actually get any actual help from them. It's almost like I do it without even noticing, I'm unable to stop myself as much as I want to.

I seen my GP for just over a year now about my depression and anxiety diagnosis and have been prescribed Zoloft (starting with a 50mg dose which has now been upped to 200mg), I definitely found in the beginning the medication was helpful in improving my mood but I'm now really not finding it helpful at all. I definitely think I struggle with some kind of anxiety, I've struggled with panic attacks for as long as I can remember. But I've never fully felt like I had depression, I definitely have states of feeling extremely down and depressed but I also can be extremely excitable and get bursts of feeling really excited/almost positive. These intense mood swings don't last long enough for me to believe it's bipolar (I also don't think I get such extreme ups or downs as you would with bipolar)

However I recently came across the wikipedia page for BPD, it felt like someone had finally figured out exactly how I was feeling. It was both terrifying to see all my "negative" traits and all the thought patterns that I've struggled with for so long all written down like that. But also it was very reliving to finally understand why I think the way I do, to see that it's not just a problem I struggle with. That there would be people who'd understand. I was in tears by the time I found this subreddit, finally feeling like I know what's wrong with me. It makes me feel much more hopeful that I can actually get help.

So now I'm just not sure where to start, do I see a psychologist, a therapist or a psychiatrist? I'm also really worried and unsure how I'd bring up BPD without seeming like I've self diagnosed myself through reading about it online. I also don't know how to stop this pattern of lying to therapists and people who are there to help me. I'd love some advice on this, I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it in my personal life. I'm too scared of their judgement. Thank you in advance.