Wouldn’t it be so much easier for us to live if we could just get out of the whole situation going on with our interpersonal relationships.

I feel like I could split on all my friends and family and everyone I’ve ever known. An ideal scenario for me is everyone’s mind gets wiped of me and I can just go fuck off somewhere and do my own thing.

Or I could become a hermit, just live in a cave and hunt and shit. 

I would really really like it if know one knew I had ever existed, if everything I’ve ever done could be wiped from people’s minds.

Then I could do what I want, I could die, I could be a farmer, or a fisherman, and live a very solitary life where the only interaction I have with people are in online video games.

Honestly, shit I’ve done in the past makes me want to die. I feel like every once in a while someone else comes along to take over my brain and make me do stupid/embarrassing/awful shit and then a few days pass and I’m like “Why the fuck did I do that” and it reruns through my mind millions of times.

Sometimes I think about how my life could have been if I had stable parents. No one to give me BPD. No one to traumatize me as a child leading to a bunch of fucked up ways of being and feeling I can’t even control. I think about how I would be if I was just a non mentally ill person. It would be so nice. To not have ruined relationships when possessed by this person. To feel good just existing. To know who you are. No toxic FP relationships. Ballistic reactions. Depersonalization. 

God, what I wouldn’t give to be normal.

I really hate myself.