This is my first time posting, so go easy on me if i don’t understand how everything works on reddit. I am a late teen, f, i have a gf, and am curious (about life). 

 So, my main OCD “quirks” you could say, are obsessing over self harm, suicide, P-OCD (i still hate saying the word), and relationship ocd. I’ve always had depression since i can remember. For panic disorder, i would just have meltdowns if i ever had high stress or even low stress occasionally (all throughout elementary school i would have breakdowns i couldn’t control, and i was completely fine beforehand). I’ve recently started developing agoraphobia, well to the extent that it’s at currently. 

 The PTSD is one that i believe i have a minor case of. I went through a traumatic experience during middle school that spanned the entire 3 years. 

 But the bipolar, i have no say on really, as I’m not really well informed about that disorder. 

 There are things that i do that haven’t been brought up to past therapists, and i dont know why i never did. 
 
 I have this odd thing where CB i copy/mimic/feel things I’ve recently seen, or when i think of it, i start to mimic again. I’ve always done this for as long as i can remember. I’m not sure if this is a “childlike” trait that hasn’t worn off yet or if it’s something i should be worried about. 

 To give an example from a recent event, i watched a Tourettes Twitch streamer compilation (sweet Anita i believe is her name) and as i was watching it, i would metaphorically absorb and mimic some of the tics she has (flipping off randomly, twitching your head) even though i don’t have Tourettes. This would last maybe ten to twenty minutes afterwards, and would stop. Unless i thought about it later on, which would trigger me to do it a couple times more before stopping. 

 Another example is when i went to see The Rise of Skywalker a couple weeks ago. I surprisingly really enjoyed the movie (as the previous one was a dumpster fire imo), and about twenty minutes into the movie, i started feeling weird. I sort of dissociate and project myself into the characters in a way? Any thoughts i had during the movie was in Rey’s voice. Any thoughts i had for the rest of the day were in Rey’s voice. I could visualize her saying it, and what body movement she would have during it. Even though i knew it wasn’t real, i would have this underlying feeling that i was the one experiencing the emotions, that i was, in fact, Rey, and all of her past is what has happened to me. But, my personality traits still came through. I was still very much so acting very gay in my mind, i still had my anxious thoughts, my depressing thoughts, and anything else i had, but with Rey’s baggage on top of it. 

 I’m not sure how well I’m describing it, but it’s the best i can currently do. 

 There is another thing i have, that I’ve brought up once when i was having a checkup with my psychiatrist. I call it “frequently occurring long moment of impeding doom and self harm mental imagery”. So, i have these 30-60 minute long moments of time, about every day to every other day, where my mood completely drops, i have a void of emotional confusion i fall in to, and all my negative thoughts are essentially on cocaine. To give you an idea of a moment where it really made me realize, was when my sister was over during winter and was helping my mom decorate the Christmas tree. I had just finished getting the decorations down from the attic, and to the downstairs living room. I open one of the boxes, and grab an ornament. I was ready and excited to start decorating; watching my sister set up the stockings, when i feel dread hit me. 

 My heart rate either quickens or slows down, my blood feels cold, it becomes harder for me to register things happening around me as if it was in real time, my hands become shaky and my knees weak (arms are heavy, theres vomit on his sweater already, moms spaghetti), and i feel all my suicidal thoughts spike. I put the ornament back where i got, and i stand there. I can feel my heart beating, i hyper fixate on the act of breathing. Its like i was launched into space, but like uncomfortable space, y’know? I went to my room, laid down, held my dog close to me, and just sat there feeling my veins pumping. 

 I called my girlfriend, who has seen these moments before, and immediately i felt more secure in the fact i wasn’t going to commit suicide (she was distracting me from my thoughts, or helped me feel better about them). She would talk about the guitar lesson from that week, or what song i had written recently, or even just talk about breakfast foods. Most of the time though, we’re both silent the entire duration of those moments as i occasionally tell her what my thoughts were. 

 Then, after that long moment passes by, i felt fine, albeit that i was emotionally exhausted and needy for physical intimacy. I start to obsess over the thought of my gf and i cuddling with no clothes on, and physical intimacy with no sexual purpose of it. Just skin touching. I wanted that reassurance that reality is real. I just wanted reassurance that i wouldnt do anything. 

 Now, imagine these moments every other day, and triggered from absolutely nothing (that im aware of). Sometimes they’re this bad, sometimes not so much, there’s never a solid pattern of intensity. 

 That’s about all that comes to mind as I’m writing this, but I’ll add some additional information if it could help in figuring out what these stem from. 

 I was officially diagnosed in August of last year, and the therapists diagnosis was the couple months following that. I was put on Sertraline (Zoloft) a week after my official diagnosis. After ten weeks in therapy, my insurance didn’t allot more sessions. As of a week and a half ago, i am transitioning to Prozac as i have no improvements on Zoloft. 

 Since all of that is... a mood dropper, I’ll talk about my interests for a few seconds.

 Ive played guitar for 5 years, and have been doing classical the past year. I also sing, and have written my own music. I feel most confident when I’m singing or playing guitar, and i can express my emotions connected to my mental health with the lyrics i write. I also like to write fiction occasionally. 

 Soo... yeah. Hopefully you people of reddit can help me make sense of my issues. 

 ~Florence Sings

(I’ve posted this on another subreddit too)