Recently I was talking to a counsellor I started having for a few sessions outside of my education setting (so through my GP, I'm 16 and in year 12 from the UK). She suggested to me that I'm showing a lot of similarities with Bipolar Disorder and that she recommends I see my GP again for a proper mental health assessment because I've never had one.


Tw in this post for cutting ideation, S£x mentions, suicidlality etc. 

I don't think I have Bipolar disorder and she said she isn't qualified in diagnosis hence why she's wanting to refer me back to my GP. However, I very much do have episodes of feeling 'high' which can either be extremely productive (which doesn't happen often and the most it's lasted is 4 days) and self-destructive ones where I basically feel like I'm powerful I guess so I can do risky things like wanting to jump off roofs, stabbing myself, taking a lot of pills etc because for some reason ever though in the back of my mind I know there's low chance with survival in all of that, in the moment I do it for the thrill.

But on the other side I have a self destructive side that's coming from a low perspective too. Which is what I'm terrified of because I experienced an episode really bad of it yesterday. Basically feeling no self worth, and that I deserve to hurt. That the world is better without me and I get very hyper-fixated again of graphic things like cutting or shooting myself but instead I do it because I just want to d!e.

TW for description of cutting

Yesterday to keep it short it started off on my bus ride home, so about 3:30 ish. I remember getting on the bus and starting to feel 'off' but couldn't place why. I then started to feel numb and I couldn't focus on the world around me. I distinctively also remember when looking out the window, things were going too quick for me and even though I was on a bus going at a stable speed, It felt like it was all speeding up and I was far behind. I could see the signs outside but when trying to read them I had to really focus because it was blurry in my head. Not blurry vision, but blurry in my head. Then I remember starting to feel low and losing energy and motivation to keep my head up. Its the kinda tired of the world I feel when I'm depressed. No want to be there, no energy mentally to hold my head up or even present to be okay anymore. I just leaned against the bus window whilst the world outside was just quiet around me. I mean walking through the bus bus station was weird because I didn't even make note of the people. I just dodged and walked past them all in a daze seeing them there to avoid, but not registering them there if that makes sense.

Anyways, This continued until I got home. Then when I got home I got extremely self destructive and was romantising cutting and graphically describing how I wanted to cut (TW) all down my legs so when I bent my knees the cuts would gape, vertically down my arms, up and round the face (but I for some reason wanted to avoid the eyes), extending my smile (think its called the joker or something in the sh community) and I said something along the lines of 'a thin line down my stomach and then force down and out' with more graphic description I'm going to leave out talking about my parts. How I wanted to remove them and 'hack' them off with a knife. This then morphed into me saying how men just want me alive to use me for s££x and that my existence only amounted to being 'their little traumatised s££x doll'. This then continued where I started talking about allowing myself to be used so much to where its triggering to the point of where 'have no reason not to'... Commit s. You all know what I'm talking about. Saying how that way I'd push people away enough and that they'll never want me anymore so then I wouldn't have to feel bad or allow others to suffer. Because they wouldn't care and I'd be even more of a low life to them than I already am.


Then depression hits. Don't need to describe that too much other than I don't feel real and have the usual low self worth, esteem, view on the world etc. Can get extremely suicidal too. Losing motivation, not able to pay attention in sixth form because of it etc.

Then where I hypersexualise myself with men. Feeling like I deserve to be used as a vessel for their pleasure. But I don't want to be and I use it as a way to self destruct. Normally Afterwards I get extremely triggered at what I've done and have a breakdown because I'm actually gay. I'm lesbian. I have a fear of men and sexual things to the point of panic attacks. Especially with men. So.


I'm scared of mentioning all this in the detail that it is because of being sectioned or something. I didn't even sh yesterday, despite having the worst ideation about it I've ever had. I was imaging it as I was typing and in a sense it felt real. I couldn't feel it type real but I could see it. This episode cycle of what I described: the not feeling real, then having no energy to self destructive with sh thoughts and then about hacking off parts of my body because of men etc. It really scared me. And it lasted about 3 hours, so I don't think I'm bipolar with that in mind. I don't know. It's all a mess. Sorry for any typos, I'm really tired. Can anyone give any insight?