I don't know for sure but maybe this counts as my suicide note, I don't really know anymore.

I failing out of uni and my life goes to shit more and more every day. I had a chance for a good life but I messed it up because I feel too exhausted to study or to do just about anything. I lie to my parents about studying while they're working so hard to keep me in this uni. I fucking hate liars and but ironically I turned into one myself. And the funny part is that I worked hard to get here too but then consciously fucked it all up.

Now I just don't care about it. I don't want to study just so I can work myself nearly to death and then dying of a heart attack when I'm 60. I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel exhausted and useless.

I don't talk to my best friends anymore. Some of them betrayed me, some just don't want to talk to a suicidal person, and the rest of them, who've never done me any wrong, I just fucking ghost. I see their messages asking me where and how am I but I don't answer, I don't even leave it on read. Because I don't feel like talking to them.

And I know, most of people will reasonably say that dropping out of university is not the end of the world. And before you even say it, you know what? Fucking save it for someone else. Maybe it's not the case for you, but for me it was the only opportunity to build something from myself. And yes, I fucked it up consciously, being fully aware of the consequences. YES, I AM AN ASSHOLE, USELESS FUCKING CLOWN. AND I'M SORRY FOR IT, BUT THERE'S NOTHING I CAN OR WANT TO DO WITH IT.

I talked to many people about suicide including therapist and I swear, I heard every single fucking reason encouraging me NOT to do it. They don't fucking work on me, so just save them for someone more deserving.

It's not even about studying. I want to do it because of the type of person I am. I'm not capable of doing anything even when the conditions are perfect and chances are good. It's not just studying, it's EVERYTHING I DO.

Some will think that I am lazy and just need to get ahold of myself. Whatever, I don't care.

I just want my existence to end. Let it be a gunshot, stab wound, rope, fire, water, asteroid, whatever. But I think I will just throw myself from a really high building on the concrete covered by a thin layer of the cold, white, shining snow and let my blood paint it red and melt it. And I think I'll do it really soon, even before this shitshow of a year ends.