I feel like every time I get better, I try to make things worse again. Like today, my parents finally agreed after months to try to help me find a therapist and they've been sending me recommendations and I've been helping my friends with their problems and they're telling me how much they love me. Yet, I sat staring at myself in the mirror for like a half hour trying to trigger my depersonalization like I have been able to in the past and it took me a lot longer than usual, took a bunch of borderline personality disorder screening test online, attempted to end this hook up thing I'm in so I'd be alone, and then smoked a cigarette and told myself over and over again how fucked up I am until I felt nothing. 