I just realized. After trying to “decipher” for such a long time what is wrong with me, why do I do things that I do - I finally realized. I just fucking hate myself to the point that this hate became my whole identity. Everything I do is shitty. Nobody can truly love me. Everyone will leave me when a better opportunity arises. All this shit is just self-hate induced rage. Materialized and unreasonable, but so immense that it covers all aspects of my life. This is not “low self esteem”, this is fucking passionate hate to the point of depersonalization. There is no reasoning behind it. And I have no idea what to do with it