i'm having days/nights of insomnia combined with major crashes.  i'll lose literal days to sleep.

i took a shower today.  that was my only accomplishment.

i can't look at myself in the mirror.  excessive weight gain, bad hygiene, and psoriasis send my depressive self further into the black abyss.  i can't get out.  i've been in this place for so long i don't know what it's like to feel marginally okay.

i was just muttering to myself that nothing is working.  i can't live like this.  this life is in no way sustainable.  yet, i no longer know what to do.  everything i keep trying leads me to the same racing thoughts of ending my life.  i'm not content/peaceful in my own home, outside, with others, or alone.

anhedonia, worthlessness, loneliness, self-hate and suicidal thoughts pervade everything.

i avoid alcohol and drugs because they have caused suicide and destructive behavior in other family members.

i don't know how to live.

i'm this numb shell of a human.

i'm at a stage where i'm not working and not spending time with ANYONE in person for MONTHS at a time.  i haven't seen anyone since April?

i no longer respond to texts.

my brain feels like mush and can't function.

writing all of this down doesn't seem to help.  i've NEVER felt like i've had a constructive support system in my 48 years of existence.  

i'm not asking for anything.

i just don't know.

i just don't know.