Last week my recently ex-BFpwBPD (says we are just currently friends because he's dealing with shit and needs to get himself in a better place before being in a relationship but says as soon as he has himself in a better place we will be back together; specifically said he would not be getting involved with anyone else during our time apart) went to a rave.

At the rave he said a guy grabbed on him and his friend told him the guys sleeps with everyone and does all kinds of drugs. The next week my ex-BFpwBPD was drunk and showed me a video of the guy he took at the rave, said he's so cute, and said if he got involved with him he would get himself in so much trouble. He said his name is Dillon. This all made me uncomfortable but I just rolled with it and didn't think too much. Looking back at it though he had a demeanor of adoration about him while showing me him... it reminded me of how he was with me during the idealization phase.

The next day I asked jokingly "How's Dillon?" on chat. He replied "He's adorable". Odd response. I asked "Getting friendly with him?" and he replied "Yeah lol, and his name is spelled Dylan". I started to get a bit upset by this since supposedly we weren't going to be seeing anyone else. I brought up the stuff he said to me while drunk and he became LIVID angry that I'd bring up what he said about him. He said I was lying, then called me a bitch and all kinds of stuff, saying he hated that I bring up stuff he has said. He HATES it, it's so FUCKED UP he says. He then insisted he has no interest in the guy after sending like a hundred lines of angry messages about how terrible I was to logically explain to him why I saw the situation as I did.

Ever since he got off his medications he's been lying to me more and more too. So far it's been innocuous things but trust is eroding. This situation absolutely feels 'wrong'. He obviously acts interested in the guy and seems to want to cover it up. It could be just a crush or something and nothing's happening but it sure feels like something's not right. He has a history of sexual impulsiveness and getting involved with bad abusive substance-using partners. I'm the first person he's been with that is actually substance free and truly loves him and treats him well. I'm the first partner of his that he did not cut out of his life after the idealization phase -- he knows I'm good for him and says he cares about me more than he's ever cared to any person. Or at least he felt that way before. There's a lack of consistency on how he feels about me of course.

Every few days something intense seems to be happening. There's always the promise of things getting better but it only spirals downward. One step forward, two back.