As I post this I might still be in a bit of aftershock.

For awhile I a had a few years where I could have a breakdown about once a month. With some being greater than others. But I got a new job in the field I'm certified in. Got a new apartment with working heating and water. Eating more than ramen and frozen meals each day. Everything was going so much better. But then the sense of relief of the better situation wore off. 

Stress built up for the last two months. Sleepless nights, tickets piling up at work, future look grim, and you're expected speak with a smile "thank you calling the service desk". Can't just help them, gotta sell them a lie and a laugh.

Then it all broke down today. Couldn't sleep a wink, it's 6am here as I post and the panic settled in around 2. Got the point where I called up my mom despite the time difference of 4 hours. When she answered and asked what's wrong it took three attempts and her gentle coaxing to get the words off of my tongue. Head filled static, a room both too quiet and too loud, can't think but can't shut up the thoughts, drifting between a hollow gaze and hyper focus. She helped a little bit with her words but helped a little more with advice. A hot shower, followed by making tea an paying attention to each step. Sat in the shower alternating between giggling at my phone hysterically at memes and blankly staring at a soap bottle. Haven't started the tea yet. Hopefully that'll calm down the remaining jittery feelings. Think I'll call in sick to work.