Hello everyone,

My name is Nicklas. I’m a 22 year old student from Denmark (my english writing isn’t the best, so let me excuse for the upcoming mistakes). I thought a lot about writing this, after hours and hours of thinking and reading other true storys - i thought it might make sense to reach out. I dont seek any help or anything. I just have a lot of tough stuff on my heart. That i would love to get out. I hope it can help you - or that you can relate. Let me know if you got anyting positive from this :)

I just ended a relationship with my BPDex after 8 (hard) months - for around two weeks ago. It was for good. Let me give you a little backstory. 
We met each other on Tinder (of course). After weeks with writing back and fourth - we decided, that we should meet up. Just for a glass of wine and a little walk. It was perfect - almost like i met my soulmate. When i got home from that date. I promise you - I was ON THE MOON of joy and happiness. Long story short - it only lasted a short period of time. We met more and more, and it wasnt until one of my friends asked me and my ex at a party like;
“Are you guys a couple?” 
We then stared at each other for a small amount of time, before i just nod at her beautiful face - and with the biggest smile on my face - i just said;
“Of course we are”
I remember i was so proud when i said that. She was SO beautiful, sweet, loving. Writing this makes me so confused, because the person (my ex) i know now is NOT the same i met from Tinder. I have obviously gotten more knowledge about BPD - and just Cluster B types in general - it will be a ‘never ending process’ for me to understand, that such a beautiful and loving human, can be that damaged and hurt deep inside. 

Things obviously got worse - the more she opened up, because.. let me explain this. Before she opened up. I couldn’t hurt her. Now - i know her deepest fears, thoughts, feelings and her backstory - basically - i know EVERYTHING about her. Therefore i’m potentially an upcoming ‘enemy’. 

I will scoop you for extreme details. I have witnessed this lovely woman, so broken, hurt and angry, that  only god knows what would have happened to me, if i stayed in that relationship. It got worse and worse - the more loving and kind i was. It got to the point, where she started to get the big kitchen knife, whenever there was drama or something triggered her. Even minor things. Very, very manipulating and violent situations, that i will always keep with me. One time she got so upset because of some silly argument, that she took a knife and put it on her forearm - and you can guess what happened next. Her artery in her forearm was cut open - and i remember it looked like a pump in her arm - that was just pumping out the blood every second. She did that in front of me. I have forgived many things, but this - i will NEVER forgive it. That was the first time out of 3, where she went to a mental hosptial. 
I should probably seek some help, because no human being deserves to witness, what I have witnessed. Of course she had some narcissistic pulls - but not something i couldn’t handle - or put a boundary up to stop it. My biggest fear in life is seeing her eyes - when she was having an episode. It was pure evil - no light in those dark eyes. That sh*t scares me to death. I even got a panic attack one time, while she was having an episode with the knife to my throat and those devil, satanic looking eyes, just staring right into my frightened soul - can you guess how it ended? Absolutely right. Two people in a situation, where there is no contact with reality. It ended like a nightmare. I thought those seconds was my last. Things got to a point, where her eyes suddenly appeared in my dreams/nightmares - not her - just her eyes. I couldn’t see myself - litterally - i was so torn up in the universe she created around me. That sad, dark environment she was trapped in. I tried everything i could, to help her out from the dark, but i couldn’t. 

I hope you got something out of this. If you are in a relationship, with a person with BPD - please be careful, my friend! Yes, i know you love her to death - but this illness is serious. I didn’t understand how bad it was, until a week after i broke up with her. I just sat a morning, drinking my coffee. Then every situation that has happened the last 8 months just SMACKED me - and my mom had to drive me somewhere i could get help. I felt like one big mistake and failure - because i belived every negative word my exwithBPD told me - about me. You need some light - partying, being with friends, travelling etc - to get away from the darkness you NEARLY were pulled into. 


It took me one month, to make my BPDex understand, that we are not a ‘thing’ anymore. And when i say ‘understand’ i really MEAN ‘understand’. We had no contact for one month, and then she texted and asked me, if we could meet up just ONE last time. It was all she needed for me - she gave me a ultimatum (if u can say it like that). We could either say goodbye for real one last time, or we could just write goodbye on text (and then she always put in a shi*t ton of sad emojis to the answer, that she hopes i wont pick. I know her too good)
I know her feelings are playing with her, when she asks stuff like that. She also always apologizes, because she knows, that she put pressure on. I still love her, so I let her call me - if she thinks the world is hating her - then i can give her a more “likely” picture on why she is misunderstanding whats happening etc. There has only been good and happy texts and moments between us after the heartbreak. She always tells me, that it would be so much easier for her, if she could just hate me - but she tells me she can’t. I can’t hate her too - but i hate her condition. Don’t mix up the person with their condition. They haven’t chosed it themselves.

I have gotten so much smarter and loving - than ever.  Btw: my ex was and is still in treatment. Just way to early, for me to be a part of the journey. There’s a long way to go for her - but im praying for her and everyone else with this condition. You are not monsters. You sadly have to deal with problems and issues, that you didn’t even course. I hope you get the happiness you seek - because YOU deserve to experience REAL happiness - and love.

Again - sorry for the bad english :)

Let me know, if you want more - i’m pretty sure i can help with anything.

Have a lovely day. Bless you - if you’re reading this.