i dont know how or when it started but its been getting progressively worse my entire life. i dont remember ever truly loving myself, even when i was just a kid. its so fucking tiring. i want to physically tear myself to pieces with the most hate i can muster. im not a hateful or angry person, i never shout and i never lash out but i just want to destroy myself. im so convinced everyone is lying to me that when i get compliments i just want to throw up. there was a couple months this year i thought it was getting better but with lockdown kinda ending and interacting with people again, it hurts. i dont want to exist and to be honest it doesnt feel like i do? i just want to do something, anything, without feeling this horrible feeling of disgust. even writing this im so horrified by myself. all i ever feel is sorry for everyone else in my life because i exist in theirs. 

it is past shallow hatred like it was when i was 11, it is deep and it is in everything that i am. do i deserve my own love?

im 551 days clean from self harm but i think i just ruined it all. i didnt mean to, everything was just too much and i was crying and rocking and hitting. i dug my nails into my thighs so hard it drew blood. i cant decide what that means but i know if i fuck up this time it’s forever. i cant do it all again, coming back was the hardest thing ive ever done. i know that this time ill just let it swallow me, which is terrifying, but its so hard to fight back.