so like you know we’re supposed to defend ourselves when somebody is being shitty like I always always feel like I need to have respect from everybody like I want them to know I’m equal to them. But also deciphering small jokes that are “funny to normal people.” they offend me but sometimes I can understand what somebody means but like I always feel like I’m gaslighted and what I’m saying isn’t just my bpd making me think this I do actually think people are mean to me first on purpose always? I know sometimes people are rlly bogus to me and I try and think like would a normal person be mad about this and I’m like yeah they would so *block* idk why I started blocking people left and right I used to think blocking was weak so every person I hated I still had incase they wanted to argue more cause I’m not weak now I feel like I’m not so mad just sad and I suck at putting my words together idk why when I’m out with people I can not be myself unless it’s like my bestfriend/fp but I don’t even wanna say bestfriend cause bestfriend to me is just like I consider you family but that person probably doesn’t consider me family or me as important and that would make me upset. The fact that people don’t think about me like how I think about them makes me really upset. Also idk I also have this weird belief I’m very strong on my beliefs it’s not any dumb religious shit tho it’s like weird paranoia bpd shit like If I met a famous person would treat them just like any random citizen because one they don’t impress me I hate being impressed also that’s why it’s hard for me to date as well because when somebody tries to impress to get me to like them it makes me grossed out and sick like I don’t care about materials I also hate cocky rich people I hate shitty stupid things. I also get upset when somebody makes a stupid ass comment like why would you say that out-loud and embarrass yourself sometimes bpd is a gift because we protect ourselves from embarrassment idk I guess I can be cocky about myself as well and everyone gets mad cause I contradict myself but I do not. I have REALISTIC beliefs and I have a detailed reason for everyone and I’ll explain myself over and over again and nobody wants to listen like it goes out one ear n then the other like for everyone what if we are all smarter than the average man. I also have strong girl code belief i don’t ever do anybody dirty unless I know they did sum to me and anybody who isn’t as angry (strong) as me pisses me the fuck off I can argue and not be mad five minutes later and when the person is still mad I’m like feeling guilty cause I know I have bpd now but when I did not know I had it I would NOT FEEL GUILTY in the slightest I never knew I had it and never felt guilty until now so I’m just wondering how crazy I really was and now every time I’ve been mean is replaying in my head and like I’m wondering if that person was really fucking with me or I was just thinking that they were. Sorry if nobody on earth understands this paragraph. Actually nope I’m not sorry it also pisses me off how people r scared to share like there story on here like you are anonymous? Or you could do it anonymously you weakling you could help somebody not feel alone and so I am glad I did this.