developing cptsd and bpd from long term abuse and trying to fix myself for everyone around me which I can’t grasp that they lived a different way than I. I want to include friends in my life as part of my identity in a healthy way with boundaries but for every friendship I feel I’m inviting them into my coffin. all I do is talk about how I feel. everything I look at and think about is just bpd. I cant fucking escape the feeling of unsatisfactory and worthlessness, get more and more impatient everyday demanding to feel cared for when people try and try and try to help me. all i do is exhaust, why is this so fucking hard? its not. Im wired this way and I want to undo all of the memories so I can just trust somebody, because people deserve to be trusted too. I ruin it, I show people what miscommunication is, by revealing how janky my brain functions and reading people in such a tone that’s opposite to what they truly express. Im quick to forgive others but when I do this it’s over in general, the friendships over because I fucked up, I didn’t change here and I’m sorry to disappoint you. when I say move on I mean it literally because I can’t resist going back and when I beg for forgiveness and it’s a sick satisfaction to be completely rock bottom and be kicked by the reality that you’re gone forever. sometimes its so validating to just lose it all. nobody can or should have to make me realize I have worth, it’s my problem I have to face. I have to surrender to this personality because otherwise I don’t see myself alive for another chance