Hi all. I’m 28F diagnosed with BPD, major depression and GAD. 

I was diagnosed in 2016 and have been hospitalized 5-6 times since then. Last year was the worst, with three suicide attempts and one that left me in the ICU. 

I had to quit my job, I stopped being social, I just drank and cried and self harmed. I didn’t know how to do anything. Despite being in therapy (talk, DBT) for over a decade, I was at my absolute lowest.

Fast forward 7 months to now, I’m holding down a job, I’m generally happy, I can see myself reaching goals. But fuck, I can’t take care of myself when I’m alone. My apartment is disgusting, like actually disgusting. I eat out multiple times a day because I won’t clean dishes, I weigh the most I’ve ever weighed in my life. My self esteem is okay, considering. But maybe it’s all fake confidence. I used to work out but can’t imagine sifting through months of clothes to find leggings or get to the gym and start at ground zero trying to get myself in shape. I don’t even look in the mirror, I just keep sizing up.

I don’t know. I have friends. They’re good friends too. But oh my god, I hate being single. I just sit and play the victim. I think about my ex hurting me. I think about my most recent guy becoming overwhelmed by me. I think about how I’m going to be alone forever, and I just sob.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, but I feel so fucking depressed. I’m like, going through the motions, and for the first time just in 7 months thought about how the world would be a better place if I was dead. I just needed to vent. I don’t want to feel like this.