I just had a 1on1 session with my manager. I am a newly hired worker but I am thinking about quitting within my probation period (I didn't really plan to stay long term in the first place). I was listening to my manager talking about whom to turn to if I have any questions, how to work more effectively, how important it is to get info on what I don't know etc. I lost her quite quickly and instead I was focusing on my own inner reactions.  


Firstly, I don't like when someone only talks but does not listen. I just cannot focus effectively if I don't get to talk. 

Secondly, I hate to hear something emphasized more than once. I get it the first time, I know how important it is to you, why don't just ask me if I understand and move on. I especially loathe this when it's a therapist and they keep expanding their views as if to themselves, making it sure I understand fully what they mean instead of asking me 'do you fully understand?'. Yes, I do.   


Thirdly, I can't stand being told how I should work. To be honest I think at this point I have an awful work ethic. I grew up with parents who cared about nothing but work and I've had enough time to grow to hate it. Life is not about fucking work, it's about meaning and growing and experiences and family. My family imbued me with the idea of how important it is to do what **must** be done and it's usually in the service of others or for appearances, not for ourselves. In the meantime we spent little to zero time together and talking and trying to understand each other. I have loads of problems from this, everyone in the family does. That's why I hate when I see someone being all about work. I can't understand them. I just heard someone saying that he couldn't sleep because he was so stressed about the backlog. I was like 'wtf man. You have 8 hours, you do as many as you can without pushing yourself too hard and the backlog can go \*\*\*\* itself, it's not your problem beyond that'. I just can't understand why people care so much about the company instead of focusing on themselves.  


Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't wanna work at all. Just two things here: I want the work to be MEANINGFUL instead of some bs office work which takes zero brain input and has zero impact on the world. That's why I don't get what my coworkers are on about. And secondly, I want to be my own manager and set my own priorities. I also don't buy and don't care about company values. I wanna choose who I am and what I believe in and what's important to me.  


  
Yes, I know I am an entitled millenial who thinks everything is for free. I am a spoilt child and I didn't have to work until my late twenties. But that doesn't mean I don't want to break free from this. It's just I was not encouraged to leave my comfort zone and find my own meaning. Our family values are mostly about service.   


Anyway, I just wanted to ask about problems with authority in general. I hate not being in control. When a friend invited me over for a game of DoD my instant reaction was that I only want to play if I can be game master. I want to explore my creativity, which I have a lot of. I'm fed up worrying about what others think about me.