I'm a 17 year old male. When I was younger (I can't remember exactly what age) I was molested my older female cousin. I'm not sure if it was nuetrul because I can remember not liking it. She made me touch her too. I have always tried to be kind to people so when I got bullied in my later school years I never really fought back. I gained a lot of weight by the time I was 12. I'm trying to lose weight now though. My grades also got really bad. I stopped smiling and didn't really have any friends accept my cat. Even would sit and talk to him. I cried myself to sleep many nights and hated myself. My parents told me to smile more and got on me about my grades. That's also when I started having conversations with myself. Now in high school i thought things would get better. I was wrong. I though being bullied by girls was bad but boys verbally and physically bully you. My sophomore year this kid who got held back was in my class. In electronics class he would tackle me and throw the tools at me. He did this with his other friend. He even stabbed me with a screwdriver and I bled through my pants. (It wasn't serous though) then one day he throw something at me and something inside me just snapped. I ran over to him and punched him several times and kneed him in the stomach. I was about to kick him in the neck but I stopped myself. And my fellow class mates just laughed and asked me to tell them when I was going to shoot up the school. I cried because I was ashamed at what I had done to him. The next day I was called down to the deans office because they said that students had been saying I was going to bring a gun to school. They believed them over me. But they believed me in the end. This year(my junior year) I made a friend who has no polar disorder. He showed me videos of animal abuse in Slaughter houses. At first I was disgusted but as I watched more and more I got hooked. I have tried to stop but I know scared I'm a sadist now. I'm pretty sure I have depression. Feeling like your drowning in your mind everyday. I have taken many mental illness tests online. And now I'm not sure if I'm just faking it... I just don't know anymore. I'm not even sure about my sexuality anymore. (I wanted to add I have never told anyone this much about my self ever) 