This is a mild rant. I have had anxiety my whole life but it has always been manageable until recently. About a three years ago I was in a terrible relationship that was emotionally and physically abusive. He made me a ball of depression and anxiety. He destroyed my friendships and tried separating me from my parents the best that he could. I tell myself alot that what I went through wasn't terrible and that it shouldn't of affected me like this. It was a short relationship and I didn't end up dead like some women do in these situations. I also blame myself a lot still for what I went through. 

Its been so long since then and to be honest I didn't get the help that I should have. It felt like every relationship I had was now destroyed and my anxiety told me I would only be a bother if I tried being friends with them again. I was a terrible friend when I was with him and I couldn't get myself to even try to face them to apologize. There is a lot of shame there and fear or rejection. I wanted to try so bad but now I feel like it is to late. 

I am finally getting back on track mentally. I am feeling a lot better. I want to try and make friends again. I am lonely. I do have a new boyfriend who is wonderful and supportive. I love hanging out with him but I miss having friends like I used to. I feel like I rely on him too much you know? But everytime I want to try my anxiety shuts me down. It's frustrating. I used to be able to talk to anyone with no problem really. Now though I consistently feel the guilt of being a bad friend in the past and the worry of rejection. I do try somewhat online but it feels like I am annoying them. 

I miss how I used to be. I miss being confident and social. I miss having my friends. I want to get back to that. I know these things take time but it is not coming soon enough for me. I want to be myself again. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. Its like I am a different person, a scared person. I hate how lonely it has made me become. The most interaction I get is from my boyfriend and the occasional comment online. I just want one friend and I can't even get myself to try.