Suicide has always followed me throughout my life. The idea of it. The attempts. The losses. 
But today I realized something has changed. And don't get me wrong I still think about it but today I just wanted to live. 
I wanted to live and not only exist. I wanted to run and hide. 
I wanted to go through the woods and get a scare. I wanted to go for a walk. I wanted to talk to people have conversations 
Maybe just maybe I'm just lonely. I guess loneliness has always been around. And maybe without that loneliness I'd be happy. But there was a time when I wasn't lonely and I wasn't happy either but there were moments I felt good. 
My boyfriend is working everyday. No weekends off and he's working 5-12 hours a day. And obviously at night we are both exhausted (we don't live together and I work too) and I'm waiting for him. We only hang out at night when he's usually drunk and exhausted and already half asleep. And I honestly don't have friends. And everytime I see him and his friends I feel so alone I just want to die. 
I just want to go for a walk with him. I want to go swimming or make a small trip. I wanna fool around and do stupid things. 
I wanna have fun. I want to love and live and not wait around all day in hopes maybe he will have more time. Maybe today he won't fall asleep before I'm over. 
Maybe this time he won't only watch something and then fall asleep. Maybe this time he isn't drunk. 
He's amazing and this time period will be over in October. But I can never get that time back. And I can't be mad at him because it's not his fault and he can't change it. He's a great person. He's fun and he's kind and he treats me great. But since the season started we haven't really been talking. I just miss him. I miss it all. The calls in the morning and the breakfasts together before work. 
The hours and hours long walks with amazing talks. I just want the time back. I want that all back. 
I know it won't make me less depressed. But it will make me happy for at least a moment to just be back.