For the first time in my life, I have stability. My boyfriend and I made it through a storm of chaos and haven't had a major fight in months. I'm working in my dream job. I take my pills, I run in the mornings, I go to DBT every week. This is my first real taste of what I imagine to be the elusive 'normal.'

And yet, I feel empty. Every day feels like I'm brushing shoulders with death. Needing...something. Life. Turmoil. 

I spent all last night flirting with an old crush. I responded to the texts from another old idiot from my past. I started drinking and smoking again.

 Why am I like this?I can't even trust myself to self-reflect. Have I fallen out of love? Has the damage been done? Do I deserve better? 

Or maybe, maybe, I'm just fucking bored. Can't trust my own thoughts, can't trust my impulses, can't trust my feelings, can't trust my perceptions.

Jesus fucking Christ, I get so sick of myself. 