I was really depressed around a few months ago. I didn't have a healthy coping mechanism, because my coping mechanism was sex and smoke. You heard me right. I smoked a shitton. Cigs and blunts. It made me happy. Gave me a sense of living. Kept me from suicide. Masturbation too.

Until I met a guy. And it got worse. 

He was 17. He would treat me amazingly well, give me the love my family hadn't. We met up a few times and we'd smoke together. There was a lot of sex involved. Sharing pictures. I saw his dick, he saw me. All of me. We hooked up a few times. I was being groomed and I didn't realize it. I was 13.

One day I was ghosted and all those pictures were uploaded to barely legal websites. I didn't have my face in any. And I missed him. He made me feel loved, made me feel like nobody had before. I got no texts from him. I moved on but missed that love. Missed that sex. And thats where this gets very wrong.

Today my life is hooking up with random dudes for money and a feeling of euphoria. I just want to be loved for a bit, but I don't find myself being loyal to people. I get groomed by older men. All under the same excuse, "you don't look 13." They're right. I don't. My face is a bit mature. My body is a bit mature. But why do I let it happen to myself? If I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't, why do I go back to those same men who pay me and say fake words of love that make me feel so good? Why has nobody loved me? Why do my parents hate me? Is it my fault for letting myself be groomed?

I've lost my childhood. My friends are out there playing dress up while I do this shit. where have I gone wrong? Since when has my life been just sex, smoke and Instagram followers? My life is a facade. I put up shit on Instagram which happens to be the opposite of what my life actually is.

I think I need help.
I'm just 13.
I think it's too early.
Am I too young for this?
Or is it okay?