my boyfriend (also has BPD) has been having a particularly rough couple of weeks and since around friday it has finally started to get to me. i’m typically a very sensitive, spongey person, so i soak up other peoples’ energies. i’m medicated and in therapy, and have handled myself pretty well for awhile. 

however, i’ve started to crumble, feeling depressed and shitty, and now i see my boyfriend’s behavior as something i crave. i want to act that way, too. i want to do all the irrational, self-destructive things he’s doing. i want to talk about killing myself, too. 

to me it feels like he’s a kid in a candy shop, frolicking freely, and i’m locked outside of it, left to peer through the window. but that’s so stupid, right? HE obviously doesn’t feel like a kid in a candy shop. what is wrong with me? how could i feel this way? i am so guilty

i think i’m tired of the effort it takes to keep up my act of stability, or to cope, or whatever to call it. i’m so tired. i want to explode. but i’m so tired. maybe someone else will understand