trigger lots of swearing 

Doesn`t it ever get like fucking stable? I mean, really fucking stable. Or do I have to go back to meds every fucking time shit gets fucking hard?

Jesus Fuck.

I've been over the cocaine addiction. I've been out of a patological relationship with a guy who simply sucking the life out of me (plus money) for an year now. I've been more than two years in a decent paying job. I've been going to therapy once a week ever since. I'm back in college. I got a bike to lose some weight.

Ain't I fucking doing what I'm supposed to be doing?

Why is everything so fucking hard? Am I evil? Am I bad? Don't I fucking deserve love? One guy I was dating for a long time simply dissapeared. We were supposed to have a date a saturday and he just dissapeared. After going out for about what, 7 months? Gone. He just sent a message he got home three hours after the time we scheduled. And that's it. I've sent a text the following monday and nothing. He wouldn't even pick up or return the two calls I made tuesday.

I eventually called from work and he picked up. That was enough to know at least he was alive. Because you know, I always assume the worst.
That same day he sent some messages later saying he was trying to have vacations. I don't even know how to spell that sentence in english correct, but that what he said. He was taking a leave from work for vacations. I forgot what I told him because I deleted the log, but it wasn't long. It wasn't rage. It was plain dissapointment.

Fast foward two weeks and I met this other guy. We hit it off wonderfully. I had all that passion and falling in love shit going on. But still mostly aware of my own emotions. Understanding the intensity of what I was feeling but not letting go.
At least I thought.

Saturday 2AM he calls me. I thought it would've been a booty call. We went out thrice and no sex. Lots of making out. No sex. He said it was related to his hair growth medication. I didn't seem to care. Seriously.

But for some reason I expected a booty call.

We ended up smoking a joint and watching anime 'til 5AM. I woke early. Got breakfest. Tried to wake him up a couple of times. He got up around 1630. I was really aroused, still hoping for the sex part.

And it kinda never came.

I freaked out. Sillently.

Almost an emotional flashback of the sexual frustration I had with my ex. Plus him being hard to wake up. And waking up late in the afternoon. I didn't want to blame him, he was dancing from 5PM to 2AM.

BUT FUCK. IT WAS ALMOST MY EX. Specially the whole smoking weed, cuddling and watching anime. And I didn't want it? I think I was loving it?

OR WAS FUCKING I?

He asked for some weed to take home and I kinda flipped -again just fyi, he's 21, i'm 29, student, employed- I knew there was a difference but I was enjoying the whole thing. And he seemed like it too. Anyways. I was kinda rude, told him that I didn't feel he was transparenht about a non sexual relationship, if that what's he wanted he should've been clear, and calling at 2AM seemed like, you know, booty call? Hotline Bling?
And I felt like the worst person ever.

Worst. Person. Ever.

Spend the whole day being anxious and shit. Just got home. Ate, drink and smoked everything I could find. And I'll I'm thinking is WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

WASN'T I FUCKING OVER THIS.

WHAT

THE

FUCK

IT KEEPS COMING BACK FOR FUCKING MORE. THAT WAS A FUCKING TRIGGER. A F U C K I N G T R I G G E R.

I ended up telling the poor kid I was bitch crazy. Told him he should feel bad for wanting to dissapear, and that I didn't want anything because I wasn't as stable as I imagined and WHAT THE FLYING FUCK. WHY AM I TELLING HIM THAT SHIT. I HOPE HIM TO UNDERSTAND AND GET TOGETHER?

YES

THAT WOULD BE FUCKING LOVELY.

But it's best not.

I don't think I deserve to love/be loved right now. I just wish I could deal with this HORRIBLE feeling of being the worst fucking person in the fucking world. I can't even do that so let's eat more ice scream! It's not like I can't get in work late. I'll just work those 2 extra hours I need to tomorrow! So I'll have my mind busy 'til 2100 and I can just get home and sleep.
FUCK I NEED HELP URGENTLY