I have GAD, and I want to vent a little bit about the paranoia that comes with it.

I am in such a good place right now. Not even six months ago, I was a wreck. I was terrified of leaving for college, I didn't want things to change, and I was so stressed about my childhood ending and my "adulthood" beginning. Then, I started taking double the anti-migraine medication that doubles as an anti-anxiety medication (Venlafaxine) dose that I was taking previously (for migraine reasons, not anxiety reasons), and all of my problems disappeared. I am so happy and doing so well. This is the best mental state I've been in for at least five years, probably longer.

I've always been rather paranoid (Skip rest of paragraph if triggered by examples of paranoia). When I was little, every shadow was a monster. I couldn't sleep after seeing those, "Share this in the next 15 seconds or this dead girl will be in your room at 3am" posts. In more recent years, every noise I hear is someone in the room, hiding, trying to kill me. Every slightly sketchy person I see is going to kidnap me. Every friend I make is a government agent spying on me. Everyone else is a robot. Cameras, everywhere. That sort of thing.

Please don't try to tell me I'm schizophrenic or psychotic, I'm not. My therapist knew about these things, and I'll share how she explained it to me:

GAD is basically a constant, low-level certainty that you are about to die. Usually, it has something relatively practical to grab onto (e.g. I am going to fail this test, so I'm going to fail the class, so I'm going to get kicked out of college, so I won't be able to find a job, so I'll be homeless, and I will die). But when you don't have any real anxiety about anything, it has to make up reasons for your "guaranteed immediate death".

Essentially, because I'm doing well, I'm more paranoid than ever. I didn't realize it until my roommate left for the weekend and I almost couldn't sleep because I was so sure that someone was out to get me. I had to get up and make sure I locked the door at least 4 times every night. I checked the entire room over so many times. It was genuinely awful.

And I'm just so mad that even though I'm doing so well, my anxiety still finds a way to ruin parts of my life. I just feel stuck and angry and upset.