Just got back from therapy. This was my fourth session, and while social and generalized anxiety have been labeled to me after the first appointment, so far all I do is spill more and more thoughts and fears. Up to the point I dissociated in her office, because everything was too much, and I was so, so scared she would be another therapist who wouldn’t be able to help me, understand me. I’m 43, recently been labeled SA/GAD, and have seen several therapists the last 6/7 years. Nothing has changed. I’m stuck in an a loop, my mind is in constant overdrive and it’s just too much. It feels like I’m just not fixable, because I understand what anxiety is, understand what needs to be done in order to improve it but I’m just stuck. I critsize everything I do and don’t do, every thought and every feeling and I feel like I’m going crazy. 

I’m not suicidal, I just don’t know how to keep on going. It feels like I’m not really here, ever since I got diagnosed with cancer, 7 years ago, it feels like I’m in survival mode, but also not really here, that none of this is real, can be real. Like I’m stuck in some sort of parallel universe, and it’s just too draining and overwhelming. I feel such a burden to everyone, even my therapist. 

Sorry for the incoherent rant. I just have no where else at the moment to vent, or get support right now. I feel so alone in all of this right now.