I’ll start off by saying I’m not dx with BPD so I want to be really choosy with my wording, but I highly suspect I have it; and on the pretext of if I did have it, this person would be my FP. She’s not even my girlfriend, and I don’t believe I have romantic feelings for her but I just love her so incredibly everything feels intense. My everything and mood depends upon how our relationship is going; if I feel like she’s texting weird, or not texting enough. I read into her responses a lot, and I’ve experienced black-and-white thinking towards her a lot. Ex: I’d feel like she wasn’t giving me enough attention and like she was planning to leave me and just taking advantage of me/using me as a joke because of how loyal and attached I was to her, so I’d end up like splitting and adapting this “I don’t need her” mindset and wanting to have nothing to do with her, until I felt otherwise and couldn’t believe how I’d think those things and not want to talk to her, how much I loved her incredibly. Notably I do really well with keeping these sorts of thoughts to myself. But she used to encourage me to talk to her about stuff, so eventually I did open up to her about splitting, and gave her more insight to my thoughts. But I think it ended up being too much for her, so I’m trying to close myself back up wishing she’d never acted like she rlly wanted to know in the first place, but it’s hard. I feel much more vulnerable and it’s hard to not do things I might’ve controlled myself to not do before that. She’s told me that she isn’t comfortable with being someone I’m reliant on, and that she can’t give me reassurance. She has like avoidant/fearful attachment, and that she can’t stand the thought of being vulnerable or giving me emotional reassurance bc that requires being vulnerable. And I’m just really stuck on this bc reassurance, emotional stuff is just really important for me. Like I need to know, or I’ll spiral bc of it and self sabotage. And it sucks because I really love her. I can’t even tell her that I love her bc it makes her uncomfortable. So I have this abundance of feelings (good and bad) for her, and the good I can’t even express. It feels like I have to hold back from being me, but what if being me is wrong? Or me is just mentally I’ll and needs help. But is it really so bad to want to express your love for someone, and have them do the same? Anyway…our relationship drains me severely, and it’s like a big part of my daily day. Sometimes I wish she would leave me, because I can’t do it, but I also don’t want her to leave. But her having this much power over me is exhausting. And I always worry about whether she’ll leave or I’ve done something wrong, even when there turns out to be nothing wrong. I feel like I’ve had to limit who I am for her (even if me is unhealthy) I’ve had to boil down and go back to being repressed, bc of her emotionally unavailability. Bc the affectionate part of me makes her uncomfortable, me being insecure, me going thru crisis where I struggle with self harm, or feel empty and alone despite having people around me..this all bothers her in some way. So I boil myself down and try to keep things to myself, and try to be more accepting. She’s told me that it’ll be a very long time before she’s able to give me reassurance, or anything emotionally, and that she might not even be able to. But I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want to become another tally mark that proves everyone will leave or reject her for being herself. But I’m just so reliant on her it’s so painful, but I don’t want us to not be friends. What should I do? I’m at loss truly.