Title really. It's just really bizarre, because on the one hand, I have overcome so many obstacles these recent years that I still find it hard to not be proud of my achievements. Those achievements however, were mainly materialistic. I guess I was naive to believe that all that grinding would make others see me as more approachable or attractive.

It has gotten to a point where I feel so disconnected from the entire world. I feel as if I don't belong anywhere. I will go to parties, drink, dance and meet new people, but building lasting relationships is both difficult and tiring. I never skip school or work, but in these recent years I haven't taken it as serious as I used to. I suppose I just figured out that there were more important things in life.

I have tried a lot of different hobbies and such. I played soccer for a few years, swam, joined an organisation, played video games with a lot of people, switched schools and switched jobs.

I feel as if I gave all those things valid attempts, but when I go out and spend time with people, it feels really bad. I will then go home and at first, I will feel safe and secure, but slowly and surely, the loneliness always returns, and then I see myself trying something new or some different approach to being social, and thus my cycle of pain keeps repeating itself.

Some might say that my main problem is my analytical approach to social interactions and life as a whole. I understand that point of view, however even when try to be myself, and try shut off my stupid overly active brain, or whatever, I still see myself feeling stuck in life and relationships. 

Am I supposed so surrender myself hedonism? Will chasing more easy hook-ups, drugs or more alcohol make me happy? My intuition tells me no but my hopelessness and lack of better answers keep telling me otherwise.

I don't know what to do. I don't believe in anything any longer.