This past year has been a lot, and I mean A LOT. Good and bad. 
And maybe that’s why it makes sense on why I am living in fear currently.
To start off, I have always have had anxiety but it never dictated my life to this extent. When the pandemic began, my parents became extremely abusive to each other, and I am the oldest so I had to bare all of it. Taking it all in, and sometimes having to join to protect my mom. They have always fought but it got worse around this time. I remember there was a time in the fall of 2020 where I was paranoid to fall asleep because I made myself believe that one of my parents was going to murder the whole family.  
A friend from high school also passed away unexpectedly, which presented me with how real death is.
I soon got over that fear, but it manifested into another. I was terrified to leave my house because something bad might happen to me. I wouldn’t even step foot outside my door. I was even paranoid to go to my backyard. Walking 100 steps to get the mail was a big thing for me.
Around this time I was dealing with a court case about my sexual abuse I endured at 4 years old. Something that I thought I dealt with, but was brought up again. 
Things started to look up for my situation and I got accepted into the school I wanted and was able to transfer out of community college earlier than planned. I had saved up enough money to move out, and live out my dreams that I had wanted for years. 
But this meant I had to face my anxiety. I have made some progress and I am able to go outside now,since I live in a city my main source of transportation would be walking and I have conquered that slightly. I do take lyfts/Uber’s sometimes.
I am happy that I was able to deal with my paranoia, but it’s still there. In my head, any suspicious person is out to get me. And I don’t even know if I am in the right state of mind to identify who’s a real threat or who is being painted as one because of my constant feeling of being paranoid.
I feel like I am not living, I feel like I’m just trying to get by. And maybe that’s everyone. As I am typing all of this out, I am starting to understand where the paranoia is coming from. I just needed to get all of this off my chest