Potential TW- mentions of sex &amp; abuse 

To be honest I don’t really think I know the difference, love and ‘obsession’. 

There are so many problems with this though. Idk if they’re exactly problems. 

Well I cut off all my friends during w bpd episode a month ago, there were only four of them to begin with and they were all hurting me in different ways and I kinda just broke down and split on them all and blocked them. So all I have is her. I don’t wanna lose her. 

I inevitably hurt everyone and they leave which actually plays into the 1st problem. Because then I’m left with no one and because she means so much to me I don’t want to lose her or hurt her. 

We’re both pretty traumatised and she’s suspected bpd. I’m very on and off about relationship and can be weird about sexual activity and stuff and I think she’s in the same place but she is still actively looking for relationships. That’s kinda complicated. 

She came out to her parents when she was 14 but my parents (mainly my mother) made it clear they’d be disappointed if I came home with a girl. I told her if I had kids I wouldn’t want a father for them (just because I’ve had so many bad experiences with mainly men, I just don’t want to risk fucking up my children) and she didn’t take to this well at all. But I’ve seen what happens if you forced that typa traditional family, my mother did it when my dad left when I was two, she settled for anyone willing to be a “dad” to me and he ended up being a abusive to me and my mother refused to leave “because I needed a dad”. It’s just a bit of a problem. 

I don’t even know if she feels the same way. But she’s planned to spend the rest of her life with me, soo.... maybe? Maybe she doesn’t want labels but she doesn’t talk about us like we’re a couple but she wants to live with me and move to New Zealand and have kids and be there for eachother. She’s said she has commitment issues, I do too so maybe that’s why she’s weird about this typa stuff. 

Idk it’s confusing. But when I look at her, I don’t even care how confusing it is. I wanna be with her all the time, wanna do everything together. We seem perfect for eachother but I just don’t know how she feels or where she’s at. Sometimes I think that maybe she acts like we’re just friends because she’s scared I don’t feel the same way (just like I do)

Ik this post isn’t exactly about the title but they’re all intertwined, you know?