I went to a sports betting place, I didn't want interaction, but I didn't want to be afraid of it. It took four attempts to leave the house. Twice someone tried to small talk me, but I just one word answered and looked away. It's too much. 

The only person I talk to is my therapist, for an hour, sometimes two a week. Excluding my heavily diagnosed and medicated sister. She calls daily to give a brief overview of her current thoughts. I'm quickly deflecting to the end  of every conversation. I can't think about anything. The only times I don't feel overwhelming fear is when I remember that soon I'll collapse. 

Resigned fear feels like peace. when I'm alone, I can channel it into physical energy, give it an outlet so I don't freeze and curl into a ball. pain mixed with helplessness overheats my brain. 

I need to be away from everyone to feel safe, but that's another kind of pain. I miss wanting connection. Now I'm afraid and the fear is uncompromising. Except in small, anonymous blurbs, where I can talk about it from the shadows. I have many problems and I can't fix any of them. It would help if I could talk to actual people - I know there are some available, I mean that I can't, I shutdown, I clam up, my brain seals off the thoughts and locks them away. My mind goes blank, I'm crippled in internal panic