I'm sorry. I'm not even sure what flair to use because several fit. Relationships? Check. Quiet borderline? Check. Venting? Double check.

But at the end of the day I'm just so freaking tired of falling into the same mental traps again and again and *again.*

Some backstory. My "partner" (quotes because everything is pretty unsettled these days, I have no idea where we stand exactly) and I are long distance. Covid has been terrible for me. With travel restrictions etc we haven't been able to meet since last August. At the time/before that, we were so happy and close and discussing moving in together. Shortly after that last visit, we had a big fight, and since then things have been very up and down.

The other day we were talking and they brought up - not for the first time - how happy they are in the current times. They're a happy introvert and, to quote, "2020 has simply been great for me and I know many people are struggling but for me there's only been positive changes!".

Long story short, it hit me right in the feels because well, I'm one of those for whom this time has been absolutely awful and I'm struggling and I can't deal. I'm still mourning what could have been - not moving in together was *not* my choice, I miss them terribly and it's a grief that they just don't share, so in the moment I teared up somewhat and had to excuse myself from the video call for a few minutes to calm down, self-soothe, all that jazz. We have not discussed my feelings around this, so they don't know why I was so upset.

Last night we were chatting and playing a game and idk, I wasn't in the best mood and get a bit withdrawn then. They picked up on it and we got into this long argument where they brought up my frequent bouts of sadness these days and I said the worst thing I could have: "I didn't talk about it because I don't want to bring you down."

They got super frustrated with me. Rightly so. Pointed out it's just an excuse, that it's fine if I don't talk about things but I don't get to use their feelings as an excuse because they've expressed time and time again that they'd rather know than not know, and it's clear I'm a self-centered person who is unable to see things from others' perspective.

It's true. I am a self-centered person. I hate this. I hate me. I'm sorry. I'm so dysfunctional and I hate when my brain trips me up that way and I want to not exist. I don't think I'm capable to change this core personality trait and the best thing I can do is to contain it by not getting close to people, but... that seems like a horrid living hell. I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to ever talk to them again.