A Few months ago I made a post here and after that I was on a journey to improve my life, and it went well

But lately I have felt depressive and suicidal thoughts coming back.

I still feel as If I have no one, no friends at all. Constant feeling of loneliness just won't go.

Recently in the class groupchat this person was constantly mocking, belittling and antagonising me and Everyone for some reason was convinced it was my fault. I am tired of being the villain honestly, especially infront of the only people that talk to me.

And I think some of them genuinely are my friends, but even they would side with the person bullying me all the time.

Maybe its because they've known that person for longer or because the person acts very innocent idk, but it hurts, it makes you feel your relationships are meaningless and you don't actually have anyone who will have your back.

I thought of not texting at all, but I felt so lonely that the temptation to talk to literally anyone overpowered me. I want to leave the group, but those are the only people that talk to me, and worse there are a few genuinely good people there, and if I lose touch with them, I think Ill spend months without talking to anyone and lose the few people that I think care about me.

I feel hopeless

I feel alone

I feel my existence does not make a difference to people, I will never really have anyone have cares

I feel used too, I was there for a few of the people when they were down, one had a bad fight with their best friend who I knew too, and I was there for them to support them. And yet when I was mocked and antagonised, they said nothing, nothing at all.

Forever alone, only needed when I am useful. I feel less like a friend and more like a tool.

Lastly, this is a separate issue but it contributes to my depression.

I was in an Inter faith relationship, and communal violence in my country became very high, almost a regular event. Many Inter faith couples were beaten and often people were harassed for being in relationships with people of different faiths.

I was scared for my girlfriend's life, I didn't care what would happen to me, But I did not want her to become a victim of an attack.

So I told her that I was not ready yet, and we broke up. She was very understanding and I am glad we are in good terms.

But I feel very cowardly for doing that. We hear it's our job to protect our loved ones,

But here I was, breaking up with her, unable to protect her.

I  feel like a I have failed as a man.

I see news of communal violence and I feel glad that she is safe,  I do not regret my decision, I know I did the right thing , but I do look down upon my own self, I feel weak and like a complete loser for not being able to stand up.

I know my situation might not as bad as many other people, and I grateful for everything I do have. Nonetheless Falling back into Depression does not feel good.

Depressive thoughts keep coming back as Two questions constantly flood my mind,

Am I a weak loser? Will I be alone forever?