I (38m) have struggled with mental health problems and depression my entire life. Suicide crosses my mind daily, but i've only made 3 attempts in my life. I was diagnosed with adhd and autism last year, and boy howdy has it been a journey, kind of...maybe not. I don't know. At the end of the day I always feel about the same.
So, I detoxed my meds and stopped seeing my psychiatrist. They never helped in the first place, and that money could be better used elsewhere. Rather than 'get better', i've just been trapped in an endless cycle of fluctuating emotions that certainly caused me more harm than help. My wife has suggested i need a new psychiatrist, but I'm so burnt out. I'm done. If I'm going to be forced to keep living, I'm not going to keep going down this failed path.
It's an industry full of people who may have cared, once.

Only two things really help me get through the day...
Distraction and i are old bedfellows. When I'm focused on my mental health, it is all encompassing and I feel more prone to break downs and harm. If I'm focused on other stuff, I feel better. I have a lot of hobbies. I read, i watch movies, i collect things. They don't help like they use to, but I'm always on the lookout for a new distraction.

I'm also 100% aware of how red-flagy all this sounds. But I haven't had anyone to talk to in ages. I think more than anything I just wanted to vent somewhere where I could get anonymous feedback. I don't want anyone stressing about me or worrying about me. You don't know me, which gives me more comfort finally writing any of this down. I'm sure if anyone I knew read this, I'd feel terrible.

I have no friends. Took a while, but I finally successfully cut out all the other people in my Iife who enjoyed my company. Nothing a little mental illness and ghosting couldn't solve.

I could talk to my wife, but I try not to. She has her own problems, and I do my best to keep her happy and healthy. Our relationship is pretty great, we are an amazing team, and she is my best friend. On the down side she has developed zero sex drive in recent years, which is a huge problem for me - but there seems to be no solution. Everything else about our relationship is amazing, do i really have the right to complain that we almost never have sex? 

We have kids, and if you were wondering, they are that second thing that helps me get through the day. They are a beacon of light in a dark world, and i love them more than anything. I tend to put all my energy in being activated for them, but being a good dad is exhausting and I tend to feel knocked out at the end of the day.

I've lurked and read posts for a long time. Occasionally people give good advice. Maybe I just want some acknowledgment. Maybe someone to just say "oof, sorry man. Or someone to say "quit being a bitch"...which seems more likely.

I've tried everything everyone has recommended. I still feel so depressed and miserable. I've done doctors, I've done drugs, diet, exercise, I've done hotlines, I've tried friends and family, community. Is it weird to say this late in life "nobody understands"? I wish I was happy. I wish I didn't want to end my life, and I wish it wasn't on my mind every waking second. I wish having friends didn't feel like rubbing sandpaper on my skin while walking on hot coals. I wish I feel like I could confide in anyone. I also wish my partner had a libido. But maybe I'm such a mess I should just be alone. Am I doing anyone any good by being here? I feel like a troublesome annoyance.