I’ve never maintained a LTR because of my episodes that naturally drive people away. I started dating a wonderful man last year from our friend group. We are in our 30s and he’s known to date intentionally, wants a family, etc. It’s not that I don’t want that too, I’m not sure I have the capacity to love/be present for a child the way they need.

Knowing our differences, I tried to keep arms length but we got caught up in each other. I really thought I could change for him, and wanted to. About 3 months in, like clockwork, the apathy hit and I really put him through it. He knew I have depression, but there’s no way to explain the extent of it. I ended things, changed my mind a few days later and he gave me another shot. Things went well and entered another cycle. This time I was really unsure of my feelings for him, they just shut off, but I couldn’t trust if it was me or my mind fucking with me. We did this another 2 times and I lost him for good now. He wants no contact. 

I miss him, but we will never be the same because of me. It makes me feel fucked up that I’m open for something casual again with other people and dive back into the fast lane. I keep hurting people but when I’m in a way, I don’t even care though I know I should. I don’t think I’m cut out for a functional, healthy relationship.