How do I not hate myself? Therapy isn’t working. And DBT is bullshit because all of the “skills” they try to “teach” I already learned them on my own; I just didn’t my survival strategies a name

I think I’m at the point where I enjoy hating myself and the misery that life (or my brain) brings. I abhor being a black man. Literally, the bottom of the socioeconomic ladder. If God is real, I’m sure they just love to watch me suffer. Hell, it’s actually starting to put a smile on my face. I’ll be miserable for like an hour or more. Eventually,
I’ll take a deep breath and do my best to accept my inferiority; I’ve now learned to smile and enjoy my pain. 

I failed at killing myself in June; I wish I was successful at something for once though. Well, I could say I’m excellent at failing. A+ for being an unworthy, worthless, loser. Getting ghosted and then seeing other couples together. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with white men for a spouse to love and cherish? Its honestly laughable. Everywhere I go, especially in NYC, I always see white men dating a beautiful, the race/ethnicity of the woman does NOT matter. And these women always show them affection in public. I don’t hate anyone else and I know it’s not my business, love is love. But I know I don’t belong. I know I am never an option, save for the incredibly desperate; and even then I’ll be cheated on. I would bleach my skin or something but I would look even worse. I just have to wait for death. The only thing I have is college, money, and weed. 

Well, I guess death could be my bride. I know she’ll come for me.