I've met someone who can deal with me when I'm in my low and high states, I recognize how much strength she has a person with how she can deal with the things in her life, how much she cares about people despite the fact how much people have hurt her. At heart I know if I were to have any problem,  I could just speak to her. She isn't use to someone who directs their anger at themself, instead of at others. I wanted to stay at a party, but I thought she was tired and it would annoy her if we stayed, but I didn't want to tell her I want to stay incase it annoyed her. She asked if we were ready to go, I said yes only because I thought it was what she wanted and that by saying no it would make her angry and annoyed. When we were leaving, a mate was talking about splitting and hanging, I nearly stayed and let her go home alone until I realized just how annoyed she was when she was getting in the car. If I knew what she wanted, that she wouldn't be annoyed if we stayed, it would of been nothing. I was getting anxious, that everything was a test. It didn't show, except in the scenarios where it truly mattered. I don't talk to her in this, because if I did, she wouldn't care, but I don't because it feels like it's just something I should know and it would annoy her to even ask. We camped for a beach for two days. The first day was fine, but I didn't give her any attention because it felt like I was annoying her or it was unnatural, that she wasn't comfortable me being on her with the two other people there. I started looking at her because I wasn't giving her attention, but I was looking at her at odd times unnaturally, I felt like I added to add her in unnaturally into the conversation. Everytime I said something about her, I freaked out that what I said meant something more to her than I realized. She noticed that I wasn't giving her attention, yet I knew I needed to give her attention, but giving her the attention felt like it might just subconsciously affect her, and it'd feel weird. While we were sleeping in the tent, I hit a low, despite the fact she was asleep, she slightly moved her arm, and it made me feel like she didn't want me holding her, I got off her and slept in the corner which she noticed. The morning was relatively normal after I recovered, but there was still that discomfort at the back of my mind which even when not in the extreme, I just, feel myself not acting right. I know I'm not acting like I should, and I can't even place it. Because when we are usual, it's so natural, but every single thing I did like that just felt, wrong. I went into one of the strongest lows I've felt in a while, where every single bad thought just started to run rampant, I felt so insanely disonnected from the other two people there despite the fact we had SO much connection the night before, I felt like they hated me and they all noticed the energy I was worrying about, I felt like she was going to break up because I'm not who she thought I am. My head just kept going through and through, when she spoke to me I tried speaking, she told me to speak up after she couldn't hear me, but with the lack of control I had in my voice, I sounded angry. She walked off, she's had exes who would bash her, and yell, she knew she had done nothing wrong, so she thought it was me yelling for no reason. The others noticed me standing on the side, as they started to talk to me, I began to come up again and was fine. When she came back, she said something snarky about how I didn't need to talk to her like that, and I completely broke down because after the whole time of feeling so, jumpy at everything she was saying, how scared I was for her to just have a go at me despite that, I ended up talking about how my head was racing and telling me just how out of place I am, that everything I'm doing is just going to fail, that she's going to leave, that the people here are uncomfortable with me, and once she knew what was happening, she was understanding. She was fine, she just didn't recognize what I was doing, she just thought I was ignoring her and acting weird. After this, it was just normal and we were connected again. It felt like, everything went from being so meaningful and so scary. Usually I hold her hand in an uber trip, but we had a short one where I didn't for the start, I felt like I should grab it but I didn't because it would be wrong, weird, or just off. Those thoughts mean nothing, but it's as if they are just always persistent, always there, always adding up to a discomfort without me even realizing it's happening as it's happening and I can't discern whether it's a meaningful thought or that she's going to pick up on it. I always want to do the right thing, I know what to do, it just doesn't feel right, and that by doing it, it won't be natural or right.