But then something happens and I just freak out, over the stupidest things. It just hurts so bad in the moment and afterwards I feel so ashamed. Even while it's happening, I know it's stupid, but I can't control myself. It's like I'm just spectating myself be angry and freak out. Just breaking things, crying, self-harming, etc. all because I couldn't get an accurate weight for myself. I've been trying to gain weight since the beginning of this year and I started obsessing over it so much, I loved the compliments I got and now I'm plateauing/losing a lot occasionally and it just tears me apart. Everytime I say I'm not going to freak out and I do. I always wake up feeling fine, but when my weight becomes involved I get so angry. I thought I was getting better because I wasn't so sad anymore, but now I'm just constantly angry. I even got mad at a Lyft driver and I cried afterwards because I felt so bad. It's horrible I'm horrible. And to top it all off, I just wish people could feel how I feel because maybe then they'd understand. But now all my roommate tells me is "you need help" "you're actually crazy" 

A week ago I was wondering what my triggers were and I never would've thought my weight would be one of them. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.