Title says all.

I'm usually a very positive and ambitious person, but I can't keep up the act anymore. I don't even know who I really am at this point, considering the fact that I've only been treated for Bipolar (NOS) since late 2019. Took my meds (Abilify and Zoloft, then just Abilify) consistently for just one year. Been struggling with taking it all of this year, and have been off any psychiatric for the last month and a half. I'm currently seeing a therapist weekly (I've been working with her for a year+ now and she's great), and seeing a psychiatrist every 4 weeks or when needed (I've been working with her for 2 years now, she's also great). But with the way things have been, I'm about to be sent to a psychiatric hospital because of potential harm to myself.

I'm currently in my first semester of graduate school, and I have been having nothing but a terrible time. I was sick and was in recovery for 3 weeks last month. In and out of seeing doctors, turns out it was some sickness + severe anemia. I have been playing catch up since then. I highly considered taking full medical leave for the next semester, but can't afford not to work (my current job is attached to my program). Finding a new job that will be flexible enough for doctor's visits and therapy is going to be terribly difficult, and should I want to leave my lease early, I have to prepare to pay rent until May 2022. I've got to stick it out and stay full-time next semester.

I am so tired. I am exhausted in every aspect of the word. I'm either on the verge of tears or full out cry every morning because it is so painful to wake myself up and get out of bed to start the day. My racing thoughts are back. I feel impulsive again. I rarely sleep. I can't stop rambling. I feel so much despair. I'm having thoughts of wanting to disappear. I don't care anymore. I feel so blank and defeated.

I don't feel like I have anyone I can trust anymore. Dating and friendships have been a disaster; I've been called extremely low-maintenance because people assume that I don't need to be checked in on, to be seen in person more than once every 3 months, to be heard and valued as an individual. If I'm not providing someone money/sex/emotional support, I don't matter anymore. The second I advocate for myself, they make it so obvious that I'm no longer of use. I'm having a lot of tension with family too. I thought my siblings would be there for me, that they would get it because they're struggling too. But they shut me down, they straight up say that they don't care or that I'm annoying because I want to share something I learned about in school or because of the way that I talk. Some of my sorority sisters have been going out of their way to exclude me as well. 

I am hurting so badly. But I feel so empty and numb. I silenced my group chats and I'm thinking of deleting my social media apps for a while. I'm open about my journey and struggles with mental health, and everyone loves that I'm speaking about these topics. They love to come talk to me about their troubles. But when it comes time for me to talk, there's always an excuse to leave. 

&amp;#x200B;

I feel like nobody actually cares about me. I am trying to be the person that I desperately needed when I was younger, And I feel like I'm failing her time and time again. I just want it to stop. I'm so tired. I can't keep going like this. I tried and that's what matters.