Im going to give some context, im 20f, was diagnosed with bpd in January, and struggling with having safe places to live and help me grow for a while, I feel immense guilt leaving my siblings a couple years ago, but I always check in on them and try to make sure they’re okay. My mom struggles with addiction and lives with my grandma, but was moving in bad people, cycling them through the house. Its been a long last few years as my mom is a narcissist and uses my twin brother for financial assistance who doesn’t have anywhere else to go, it just stirs up a lot of guilt, I’m the one who completely withdrew to live with my manipulative cheating bf at the time, still live here, that’s a whole separate story. BUT , the point is, I just found out my mom has been being held in jail on a felony and is likely going to prison.  I feel absolutely terrible. For my siblings and grandma that is. I’m so stressed. And I went off of my meds a couple weeks ago to get on some new ones tomorrow,  but I’m having a hard time holding it together. I have no idea what she even did, but she’s been involved with some serious stuff, even tied to murderers at one point, she’s a terribly manipulative person and caused me a lot of the problems that I have now. I’m terrified that my siblings are going to develop issues and struggle a bunch. It breaks my heart to think about them feeling confused, self harming, dealing with the stuff that I know too well. Life is scary. It’s fucked up. I’m worried I will relapse and s/h, but I’m also worried about finding out what my mom did.  I feel hypomanic and sad. I will not let myself cut, but I feel like I’m losing it. Probably be a good thing for them to be away from her, for sure, but my younger sister is 7, my younger brother is 15. And I feel so terrible for my grandma. She’s been walked on for long enough, I can’t imagine how stressed she is but she won’t answer my calls. I will probably need to step up and help hold things together , I’m worried that I can’t do it if. I need to. Im terrified .