***Trigger warning: I talk about fertility***

Ugh... It’s been a shitty several months and I’ve been in a depression episode for the past two weeks. Just feeling so low lately mainly due to some fertility issues (TRIGGER warning if it’s a sensitive subject for you as well). I’m not infertile, but I was unfortunate to experience a miscarriage for my first pregnancy. It feels fucked up because I’ve worked so hard throughout my mental health journey to get to a place where I was stable enough to start trying to conceive and now this experience has just thrown me right back into that dark pit I spent so long crawling out of.

I’ve spent so much of my life focusing on my mental health, it’s as if I’d forgotten that I could end up struggling in other aspects of my life as well. It’s so fucking stupid and childish, but it feels unfair. And now that I’m feeling low again, I’m really really doubting myself that I would’ve been a good parent anyways. I wonder if it was for the best and I feel like a terrible person to continue trying for a baby. This is my first cycle since my miscarriage and it’s looking like it wasn’t successful so I’m just feeling more and more depressed as the days go on.

It’s a hard-ass pill to swallow, but I think I need to stop trying. I’m too fucked up to be a parent. Even though this is all I’ve wanted my whole life and it’s what kept me motivated during my recovery, I wonder if it’s not meant to be because my mental health is just too big of an issue to be a good parent.

I’m so fucking sad. Like I just don’t even know what my purpose is, I’ve never wanted anything else other than to become a mom. I’m useless, what’s the point of this life if I have no passions or purpose? I feel like a waste, I was never meant to amount to anything. What is the point? I seriously can’t think of anything to keep me going other than my spouse.

I keep telling my spouse that I’ll take care of my responsibilities “tomorrow” but then tomorrow comes and I just literally don’t have the energy to do ANYTHING. It’s hard to even sit up in bed. I feel weak and so so tired. I either sleep 12-15 hours a night or barely get 3-4 hours. My kitchen is so messy that I just burst into tears when I look at it. I might as well be eating shit, I’ve been eating the worst kinds of junk food. My DBT sessions haven’t been all that helpful lately which is a first. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m such a burden to my spouse. I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I feel like people are just going to agree that I would’ve been a shitty parent and I’m going to feel even worse...