Tw: Suicidal, abuse, selfharm, trauma, rape, eating disorder 









This is gonna be long.
Hey, I'm 23 years old, non binary and since a while I can't really feel anything anymore. I'll start from the beginning:
My childhood was f***d up, my father was an alcoholic and almost killed my mom a few times. So I learned from a young age not to be a burden and keep to myself to stay safe. I wasn't overly emotional as a kid but when puberty hit it became the opposite. I suddenly felt very intense and could go from happiest ever to Suicidal in literally 0,5 seconds. I was bullied very bad in school, mentally and physically. I always was a bit different than the other kids and teens, I was always quiet and I dressed differently. And I was overweight. I guess that was it. I was told things like "go kill yourself, you're worthless", "please cut your wrists" etc.  So I started selfharm and I couldn't stop anymore. My whole arms, legs and belly are covered in scars now. This went from age 12 to age 18. At 15 I was in a highly toxic relationship with a guy who was already 30. He was an alcoholic and a criminal. He also was a rapist and let me feel it. He eventually went to jail for some things. In that relationship I became anorexic and even more depressed. I was put into a psych ward but that was highly traumatizing since the staff was rude af and had no clue about mental illnesses. I lied to get out of there. It went even more Downhill after that. I ate almost nothing and fainted daily. I cried every Day and tried to kill myself multiple times. Every emotion I felt was really intense and almost unbearable. Well, there was another toxic relationship after that but I don't want to go into detail. After all of that I finally found happiness in another love and I was happy for the first time in 8 years. I stopped selfharm and got to a healthy weight. I got pregnant and his family liked me. Well, soon after the pregnancy test I found out he cheated on me with his ex for months. So I started selfharm and starving again. I eventually pulled myself together for the sake of the child and we got back together. He cheated again tho, but online. But since I was pregnant and couldn't go anywhere I stayed. After all his family was nice. That changed after I gave birth. Suddenly the people who were so nice to me were the most awful people I ever met. They dehumanised me, disrespect me and threatened me to take my child away because I'm psycho. A lot of horrible stuff happened. And I tried to kill myself again. Well, instead of helping me they said I should be put away because I'm a threat to them and the baby. I'm a bad mother and the baby would be better off without me. then I took my baby and went to my mums house. My boyfriend came with us but he argued with me everyday that his family did nothing wrong and we should go back to them. We went to his grandparents so I could have my peace. Well, he managed to crack my mind completely and I went back with him. Turned out his parents abused him his whole life and he is scared of his father. They told him he would never achieve anything and he would never be independent. They also abused him physically. We talked and came to the conclusion that we would move out as soon as we can. He is really traumatised by his parents and it shows. He's also in Therapy now. Well, after that incident I tried to shut my feelings away to not be vulnerable to that family anymore. And what should I say. It worked so well that I feel nothing anymore. No love, no sadness, no happiness. I'm just empty. I can go on well with my life tho, I achieved my goals, my child is happy, I'm good. But it really bothers me that I can't feel. I used to feel so much, I used to be a great listener, giving advice and emotional support to people, being good at helping. All of that is gone. If I try to emotionally comfort someone I feel like an actor who forgot their text. People don't talk to me for support anymore. I often hear that I have no empathy. Sometimes it feels like my mind is about to crack again and I try to let it happen to finally feel again but nothing happens in the end. 
I forgot to say that I was diagnosed with bpd and anxiety.
As I Said, my life goes well. Maybe it would be better if it stays that way but i hate that emptiness. 

I'm really sorry for that long text, I cut it down as much as possible. Maybe here is anyone who has similar experiences and could tell me how they got their feelings back. 

Thanks for reading