If like me, you have lived a major part of your life with mental health problems, being a slave to your distorted thoughts but you are convinced that they are right, then you know what it feels like to be afraid of being happy. 

The fear of knowing that one day this will all be over. That one day the pain and the battle will end, and you will be at peace at last. Except you don't know what peace is, you haven't lived it for so long.  However, illness was part of your routine.  It was guiding you, sort of.  To be at peace is to be free, and to be free is to be without a guide, to be lost, to be either.  Except, again, you never really were yourself. You were a reflection of your illness. But at least you were something.  

If like me you find comfort in pain, then you should know that to tear it away is to tear away comfort. And if you had lived a long time in pain, you know that to stop suffering is like erasing all the moments of pain, that those moments were just a waste of time. Because to move forward, we must forget, "turn the page" as they say.  except we don't want to forget the times when we were at our lowest, we don't want to forget who we were, we want to hug them. 

We want to embrace suffering, not happiness.