We had a fling a long time ago, it ended poorly because of my craziness and impulsive actions. She moved on, and I didn't. Years later at a low point in my life where I was close to suicide, she invited me to stay with her in another state. I knew it was probably a bad idea because I still cared about her, but I had nowhere else to go. It's been a few years now of good times and bad times, and she's an amazing friend that looks out for me. 

But I just can't handle her dating other people and get intensely jealous and angry whenever she does. She knows, but we just don't talk about it and she does her best to ignore my craziness and not be too upfront with those she's dating. I try to help out how I can, but I just don't think I can be just a friend and roommate to her. 

She bought a new place, and has asked me to come along. Part of me wants to be committed to getting over her and just being a good friend and roommate, she needs me in her own way as much as I need her. But part of me knows that our friendship will continue to deteriorate until she hates me as I'll never be able to accept that there's no future between us. I'm thinking of going back to stay with my grandmother, since she's not doing so well and has said she wants me to stay with her since she needs help. 

I feel like my FP brings out all the worst in me as I've been drinking a lot more and becoming more erratic, but I've also never been able to hold down a job and be somewhat independent like I am now. I know what she wants most is for me to be just a normal person and good friend, but I don't think that's ever going to be in the cards for me. It feels like it's best to just let her go and help my family, but then I really will be alone since she's the only friend I've ever had. 

Thanks to anyone who has read this far, I'm just feeling really hopeless and at my wit's end.