TL;DR ramblings of me, a first world privileged garbage heap...I think I might be narcissistic. I jsut need to reconcile my recognition of my privilege with my feelings, but all of my feelings are bullshit. 

I started making posts on reddit a year ago.

I just read through them all.

Nothing has changed.

Work has been chaos, I just feel like crying every single fucking day. I'm on the phone with a client and I just want to cry.

Supporting other people isnt about me. Obviously, I know that. I don't want it to be about me. I listen to them and empathize and try my best not to minimize their problems.

But, I still feel lost in my relationships. I still feel like a burden. I still feel like I have no one I can ask "could you please just tell me you love me because I don't love 1me."  I have one friend I'm honest with and I've realize In DEFINITELY  burden on her. I try not to be too honest because clearly I'm a narcissist and she deserves better. She also deserves a person who does a better job st being there for them, and I dont because I'm a bitch.

I strictly avoid telling anyone else how I am. I'm not perfect but I try my goddamn best. Sometimes it just slips out bc I'm selfish.

The thing is I want to actually feel loved. Not convenient. Not a burden that they have to respond to bc In always texting and theres no other fucking way to shut me up. I want to feel like equals in a friendship or family realtionship. 

I want someone to miss me because they like me...not because of a purpose I serve. My family doesnt like me, but they miss me BECAUSE I'm related to them. But they disagree with my choices and my personality. My friends dont miss me (who missed a selfish bitch when theres actual good people in the world).

Sorry