NOTE: I am not diagnosed with bpd but I want some help to know if I possibly do and where to seek help or if I could talk to anyone who could help:) 

So I’m 18, And I’m an absolute mess, idk what to do with my life, I feel like I have it alll together one or some days and any incident or conversation, action made by someone will ruin everything, ruin my entire emotional stability, I can’t take any criticism, i can’t take no for an answer, I can’t handle being screamed at, I have so many feelings I can’t even write out. 

I have a boyfriend and he happens to have adhd, mind you I love him with my entire being, I love him over anyone, I’d do anything for him, I’m so so so jealous to the point where I’ll throw up or completely die inside or try and kill myself if he ever leaves me alone. It sounds really bad already.. I just want help, I can’t stand him being with anyone but me it hurts so much I feel like my heart is ripped out if he hangs out with his girl-friends, it hurts so bad, I cry whenever he’s mad at me, I cry even when I think he’s mad at me (even if he isn’t) I always feel like he wants someone else and it kills me. I want what’s best for him but it kills me. 

Idk if I have bpd but I feel like I have a lot of the symptoms, I don’t want to self diagnose I’m so lost I need a next step, everything’s getting out of control. I feel so much love for him, then it turns a complete 360 and I hate him if he brings up a woman or if he likes a meme with a prettier girl in it… I lose it and my body crumbles on the inside and, I’m self aware of these feelings but can never stop it I feel two faced sort of, i don’t want to push him away as I do when he brings up anything I don’t like and I just ignore him and feel pain. Sometimes on better days I feel like I faked everything and I’m okay, then it happens again and I’m crushed, it’s a horrible cycle and idk if I have it or something else can anyone help or guide me in a way to go? I’m already typing to much so I’ll stop I have way more to type and it’s hard to explain it and I feel stupid, any help?