Sorry I know that this page is not meant to give me any diagnosis but I’m currently feeling very weird and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone around me.

 I never been properly diagnosed by any professional but I tried to get information on mental illness issues for I while now, I least I think I did. I got traumatized multiple times during my childhood and until this day I claim it caused me to get anxiety and or depression, I struggle till this day with communicating with people I come of as rude, cold and I distance myself and I feel an awkward discomfort from people who are not my close friends or family members automatically but I also can sometimes force myself to be polite and appear confortable but I think it’s just hypocrisy.

Since middle school I harm myself in diverse ways (I am now 18), I won’t describe what I did and do but in the end it was all to make me feel pain, physically and emotionally. The thing is, I have periods rather long like weeks or so when I feel decent like I don’t harm myself but suddenly I feel “bad” again and harm myself again. I also have the impression that I suppress my memory. 

I wanted to go see a therapist last year because something happened to me and put me in several bad situation which leaded my to the emergency but then one day I decided that I didn’t wanted to stay in this bad situation so I got away from what made me feel sick after 2 years and in the end I didn’t go to therapy because I thought since I had the will to get away from a harmful situation I was being over dramatic.

I stopped physically harming myself, at least that’s what I think. But at the end of 2019 I took a unrecommended amount of meds that contained caffein that my dentist prescribed to ease my dental pain obviously. I took so much that I had an anxiety attack at school, I got caught and after I calmed down at the infirmary the nurse asked if I wanted to see a therapist at school and I said yes. But I only went 3 times maybe and one day I didn’t wanted to go anymore because I claimed that she didn’t helped me figure out if I was really ill And she only talked about my traumas so I never went back.

Until this day I still have my ups and downs but I just keep confusing myself, I feel fine for days and suddenly I feel like I have symptoms of mental illness. But like I said I can feel fine, so I keep on telling me that maybe I don’t have any illness at all, maybe it’s normal to feel the way I feel.