TW: suicide

I’m torn between prioritising my uni studies, mental health or work opportunities and commitments.

CurrentIy I only work once a week at a medical centre as a receptionist. Though I get anxiety about work, as we’re in lockdown and not accepting patients inside the medical centre, the stress and anxiety has been ok. However, I fear once my state opens again and we can do face to face, I will start to get really anxious. Furthermore, this job was introduced to me by a friend and so I put a lot of pressure upon myself. 

I was given a new job opportunity a few days ago. This one was recommended to me by my cousin as her friend said a admin/ receptionist position was open. I had a interview and was accepted despite not having the required experiences. I’ve been sent a contract to sign and for some reason I really fear it and doubts are consuming me. I’d start working next week as well. The job would be full time. It may require me to do 4 hours on the Saturday. I would be put on a probation period of 3 months. They also would eventually want me to quit working at the medical centre. I said I was open to that and I am, but since my friend introduced me I am so scared for her reaction and what to say to the staff. Yeah, I’m scared of everything. I honestly don’t feel 22, I feel like a kid who can’t function but is trying her best to be ‘normal’. 

With these working hours it would be difficult for me to see a psychologist. I was not asked about medical conditions and do not feel good with disclosing my BPD, ocd tendencies, depression and anxiety. I had to stop seeing my previous psychologist maybe 2 months ago due to work and tbh it has been so hard as I’m still waiting for a new psychologist. The centre I go to also only does fortnightly appointments and closes fairly early. It also takes forever to book an appointment as it’s always very packed. However, it is covered by mental health plan and catered to the youth or people around my age (22 yo) which I like. But it looks like I might have to stop counselling sessions as I don’t think they operate when I finish work.

I also only did casual work for a distant relative and my first real job was the medical receptionist position which I started two months ago. I’m afraid I’m rushing things too fast with putting myself at full time employment. I’m also scared it would compromise my already shit mental health. I feel everyday I just lose empathy, I cannot feel much for people anymore and I guess only prioritise myself. I can’t understand how people are feeling and I used to be someone who could read situations well. I guess I’m now often clouded by anxiety or maybe being in lockdown has made me useless. I feel ok at work and when I go home I would feel ok. But sometimes only after a few minutes I’d burst into tears and would feel so restless and horrible for hours until I fell asleep out of exhaustion. It seems my body/ brain would suppress my emotions now and I can’t tell when a depressive episode would hit or when I’d feel shit for no reason. Also it’s not my period, it happens randomly.

I’m scared I wouldn’t be able to cope and being employed means I can’t have suicide attempts and lately I really want to kill myself. However, I lack experience on my resume, and at my age, I’ve always struggled to find employment. Whilst being introduced to these jobs brings me pressure, it would do me well for the future and make my resume look better.

I have hope that being at work will keep me so occupied that I won’t have time to welcome intrusive thoughts or suicidal thoughts I get randomly during the day. However, I’m already behind on my one uni subject with working just one day a week right now and had to get an extension. It mostly has to do with my depression and anxiety and not that much related to work. I fear I might have to drop the subject if I go with full time work and I have attempted to do this subject maybe three times already and just want to pass it ( Yeah I rely heavily on extensions, I get good marks but it drains me bc the assignments drag on. It takes so much effort to finally finish it that I did not pick up work the past few years because of my shit mental health).

I mean with my declining mental state during the past few months of lockdown, I’m not sure I could pass the unit anyways if I dropped work. In fact doing nothing at home would worsen things as it means more time to overthink and hate myself lol. I guess I’ll take up the job, tough it up for the next three months and see how I go. I guess I just want to seek opinions on my decision? Am I pushing myself and moving too fast despite my mental state and inexperience in the workplace? Should I prioritise that one uni subject but miss a good job opportunity? Also it’s not like I can reject the contract, I mean I could but it would make me look terrible. It’s a validation thing, I’m just in a constant doubt of what I should do and if I made the right choice. So far in life I feel I’ve just fked up all my choices, esp uni ones. I know ppl might say just drop uni if you’re clearly struggling so much but I would like to someday have a degree and my mum would kill me if I dropout lol. 

Idk who’d read this but thanks for your time.