23M 


I've realized my entire life basically I've never had a close connection with anyone. I had some turbulence in family to put it lightly and I was never close with my parents. I grew up with them around but they were never affectionate, we never talked much and they were drunk a lot. I could count on one hand the number of times ig hugged them or heard I love you



Even as a kid I remember recognizing that I was on my own at home and just stuck to my toys or video games or whatever.



I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember and have only had a couple close friends ever but even then they're guy friendships where you play video games and hang out a lot but never share your emotions or get that serious. I had one serious relationship but it was mainly a long distance relationship and I think emotionally abusive and manipulative anyway and I never felt like I could fully be myself or be supported.




Nowadays I just basically don't talk to anyone, I go to work which is retail so I put on the fake customer service cheer and act like I'm connecting with people but it's all just a script. Then I go home alone and play video games, or if I do go anywhere I go alone. I go out to eat alone, to movies and concerts alone, I work out alone, go to the store alone, whatever. People probably say it's sad going to a movie, concert or restaurant alone and I really agree but not like I have anyone to ask to go. I spend my whole life alone with ear buds in it feels like.



I just want to connect with people and have a real meaningful relationship where I can tell someone I'm not doing well or tell them that I am and they'll be supportive either way. I've realized I've never had a single person I've been emotionally close with and now I don't know how to socialize and I feel like I'll be lonely forever.



I don't talk to anyone really, don't hang out with anyone, don't feel like anyone really even cares about me. I just go through my daily grind, alone, and that's it