I was diagnosed with bipolar last night. I had a feeling somethings been off for months now and it's getting worse by the day. 

I've been depressed ever since I was 12, i'm 24 currently. Day after day i would think about ways to harm myself. Suicide was always on my mind. it got to the point where it was automatic. This felt like the norm to me. It was my happy place. When I was in high school I would choke myself to sleep. I can't explain what i got out of it, it wasn't sexual at all. Best I can describe it is I enjoyed the feeling of fading away.

January 2022, my wife (9 years) came out as polyamorous. I was freaking out because As I've always done. I pinned how she is up against me like it was my fault and I caused it. My depression got extremely real and uncontrollable. After she came out we decided to be 100% open with absolutely everything. Which I thought we were already doing, but she kept this from me because she didn't want to lose me and I understand that. Either way, I still love her more than anything.

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A month goes by and Her boyfriend (also my boyfriend now) moved into our house. I got help with my depression. I feel like it's gone. After attempts and self harm seeing their pain as they watched me go through this really snapped me out of it. But now. I'm different. My emotions are extreme and uncontrollable. I say things I don't mean. One day i'm happy with the relationship to a full and the next i'm creating horrible scenarios in my head of "they don't actually love me" or "i'm just a kick stand in the relationship". I tell them things like "I feel like a slave" or that "I should leave to fix the issue" but I don't actually think these things when i feel like myself. Only when i'm in my switched mode.

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The hardest part is that my wife is scared of me. When i switch i need more hugs and more i love you's but if i were to say that then it becomes an obligation to them. I'm stuck guys, i've made a lot of progress without medicine and I just started some recently, but it keeps happening and i'm doing better with managing it and identifying when i've switched. I just need to get a grip. I'm afraid of losing the ones i love because i fear too much of losing them ????? Sounds weird but does anyone have any suggestions to help me move forward?