Hey, so I've only just recently started using reddit- and stumbled across the bpd subreddit to which I am now thankful for, just being an observer. Made me realise I'm not so misunderstood and alone/ drowning in the cesspit that is my chaotic life. 

So basically, I have extreme issues/ bpd triggers that lie with my favouriteperson™ who will always be a boyfriend or a love interest (I don't often have them because I its extremely rare for me to form non superficial love interests, also have never been in a stable or normal relationship with a neurotypical boy. Essentially, I deal with huge issues with my FP becoming the be all and end all of everything. I'll continue with my life but thinking and analysing everything all the time concerning my fp is exhausting and goes through my mind no matter what I try and do to distract myself. 
I constantly rely on the validation and confirmation of others with situations involving fp too because I feel like I can never trust my own judgement, and always self doubt and end up questioning whether I am even being rational and or am deluded. 
I mean I just feel stupid. I have so many other substantial issues and been through some horrifying things but my main trigger is being romantically involved with men, it sends me mad but also I can't avoid it without also being sent mad? I'm at a loss, always doubting myself and feeling like I'm p much autistic in the way I obsess over things/analyse them. I feel like Im going to continue ruining every good relationship I have due to my avoidant and erratic behaviour that stems from my huge anxiety towards relationships/ feelings and idk what to do. All my friends get sick of me talking about fp situations all the time and I feel super bad and embarrassed, but I just don't know how to validate my own thoughts and decisions... I hate it!