My mind just likes to constantly play games with me. I had some people cut me of their lives last year. Blocked me on social media, wouldn’t respond to my messages on online class, never even told me what I did wrong and why they left. My heart broke after that because I didn’t really have anyone you know? I only had four friends (three of which are friends and the other one is only my friend) left, who I was beyond grateful for, but noticed one of them started drifting away from me. Always assured me that I did nothing wrong and that she was glad that we were still friends, but it wasn’t until we had a sleepover in October that that changed. I went to bed early, she stayed up late on a discord call, I woke up in the middle of one of her conversations and heard her saying how she wished she had never come over and didn’t want to hang out with me. I thought she enjoyed it. This was the first time we’d seen each other in months and I was so so excited to see her. And the worst part was that she seemed so happy and so glad to be with me again. It was devastating to be honest. 

I decided to message the three that were friends, including the girl that I had a sleepover with, one day in January that I just couldn’t stand it anymore and I didn’t want them to feel like they had to be friends with me. I knew they wouldn’t do it on their own so I did it for them. Two of them messaged me asking me to talk to them, but I didn’t respond and the one I had a sleepover with hasn’t messaged me at all since then. 

The last friend I had would always message me random facts about kpop or they would send me these really long paragraphs about kpop which would brighten up my day...except I haven’t messaged them back since the beginning of March. I feel like an asshole. I turn my phone sometimes and just see that notification that I have five new messages, but I can’t bring myself to respond. Don’t they already hate me enough? Would I just make it worse by responding? I don’t want them to think that I hate them, but I just can’t respond. Why can’t I respond? What if Im hurting them just as much as all my past friends hurt me? And then it just goes back to how they’d be so much better without me in their life and they’ll forget about me if I don’t respond. They’ll find someone better than me who will respond to them right away and have better reactions and know what to say. 

Sometimes at night, I’ll wake up and start thinking, why has no one checked up on me? No calls or messages? Does anyone care? But then I have to remind myself that I did this to myself and that it’s better for me to be alone anyway since I’m obviously not in the right mental state to deal with any kind of relationship right now. It sucks because I miss all of them, but it’s just better to go our separate ways.