thats what i felt like. im a little more calmed down now, feeling better. i woke up an hour or so ago and felt this absolute dread, like total total total bad feelings, derealizing but in a way where reality felt too real, way too real and terrifying. im not great at explaining it, but i wouldn't recommend it. i used to experience it more during childhood, or at least i did a couple of times. its a little easier now to cope with because i know its just anxiety, when i was a kid i thought i was like cursed supernaturally in some way lol.

 i think its because i had a couple drinks for the first time in a long time (i was at a wedding) and it screwed with my SSRI/dopamine levels. when i was drinking more frequently my SSRIs seemed less impacted by it, i guess because i either had more alcohol tolerance or my brain had worked the chemistry out to make me only have regular hangxiety and super bad hangxiety. thats my guess anyway, i also have kinda been having trouble sleeping lately plus family stress.

i'm a little afraid to go back to sleep bc i don't know if it will happen again, but for now i am feeling ok, not terrible, just a bit shaken. i wish i could hug my mom and cry lol but its like 4 AM where im at.