Some background first, started taking Zoloft at 16 for GAD, that made me able to get though highschool and the first to years of college.

This third year shit hit the fan real hard and I had a bad relapse. I'm now also taking Dumyrox and 2mg of Xanax per day.

Well the medication is working as intended, Dumyrox starts to take effect 3 to 4 weeks after you start taking it and Xanax helps with morning anxiety and sleeping. My levels of anxiety have gone down by a lot, and I mean a lot. I can now do stuff that would otherwise paralise me, but still I don't think I'm ok.

With the anxiety under control I started to feel a lot of other stuff, and my mood it's kinda been a rollercoaster. I will cry sometimes, a thing that i almost never did. Also felt happy a few times. Instead of getting anxious i started getting  worried, etc.

So I decided to start going to a psychologist, since at this point the anxiety is under control. We started by tackling the anxiety and making the basic routines that work for almost anything, like doing exercises and trying to maintain a regular sleep schedule. Some sessions later it got clear that the anxiety wasn't the only issue, and so we started talking about other stuff.

That got me completely paralised, not because I got anxious or anything, but because I couldn't come up with answers to his questions. What I like doing, couldn't get an answer, what are my goals, couldn't get an answer, what do you don't like doing, also didn't know the answer. It became clear then to me what had happened. I have felt so anxious for so long that all of my decision and actions revolve around it, and now that it is gone, I'm lost.

I don't know how to deal with any other emotion besides anxiety, and I don't know what to do about it. I even started considering going of meds so that the anxiety, because that at leats I am manage a little.

He made a kind of map showings what was my exposed/ soft spot, what tools I use to protect it and we are now working on ways to deal with them.

That soft spot is apparently based around trust and self image I think, but I'm still not sure. What it says there is that I believe that sooner or later, I will be alone, that i have no interest, that there is always another option better than me and I'm not useful. 

For this i made 3 defense mechanism.

Number 1 is desensitization, im always ready for a backstab and I have practiced how to react to those scenarious so many times in my head that when they happen I manage to just turn off and go on.

Number 2 is running away. I anticipate that i will eventually hurt or be hurt by someone, so I distance myself before those things can happen, I also don't look for new opportunities, since all they would do is had another thing to the pile of stuff that can go wrong.

Number 3 is quitting. This one generally works in pair with one of the other two. I already know that I'm not the best option for anything, so why bother trying? Just stop doing it before you hurt someone.

And that brings me to now. It's like everytime I take a step forward I fall 2 steps back. Yes the anxiety is gone, and I'm sorry for saying this since I know most of you struggle a lot with it, but I think i prefer the devil I know to the devil I don't, so part of me just wants it to come back and take control of everything again.

Anyone that managed to get your anxiety under control, how was it after for you after? Does anyone have any advice that could help?