Some how somewhere in my childhood I had a epiphany on how not feel hurt when I do something new, or when I interact with people or anything that has some value to me. The idea was simple, expect the worst so that whatever happens , I won't be hurt.

So I started doing that. Before doing anything, I would imagine the worst possible outcome. It helped at first.

But what I didn't realise was that whenever I imagined myself in the worst possible scenario, it hurt. I didn't feel it back then, but it hurt.

And as I grew up so did my ability to expect the worse. I sort of lost control. And it hurt more. 

Now I'm panicking every time I hear my phone ring. When my dad or mom calls, the first thought in my head is that someone in my family died. When a friend calls I think I may have done something terribly wrong. The silence of someone that is close to me brings forth a barrage of unpleasant thoughts. I don't know where my abilities start and my disability ends. Even anxiety feels like an act I'm putting on to get attention.

My heart burns, it feels like I have to battle a 100 different thoughts for finding one and I'm losing.