First of content warnings for suicide and self harm, as well as threatened murder.

So I'm mostly posting this here to vent because I really feel like I need. All of this came back to me last night when I read old messages. I also posted a few days ago that I suspect having bpd and I'm gonna talk to my therapist about it, but that's still more that two weeks away and I need to vent about this badly.So I hope it's okay for me to post this here, because I believe that in case I have bpd this experience is definitely linked to it.

 I should preface this by saying that I know that at the time this happened I was often scared that anyone, people close to me or complete strangers, where going to do something horribly violent to me, and this fear was often not so strong at the time, but it was there. It's also worse by now. This all happened in early 2017 (was 15 at the time) while I was sitting in the back of a family friends car who was driving me back from an event I attended over the weekend. I was not feeling good because I had to vomit at one point because I have motion sickness and maybe ate way more chocolate than I should have. So I told one of the 5 friends who were involved in this that I was not feeling so good. I found out later through the one person who actually apologized for this, and admitted that what they did was not okay, that while all of this was happening they basically had a slumber party which at the time they lied about because we originally wanted to do one all together but couldn't find a weekend where we all had time, so they did this behind my back. They appearendly thought it was a good idea to "prank" me to distract me. The "prank" involved one of them acting like they were about to and then murder one of them after they pretended to have a break up. They acted it up with the one sending pictures of the other person from outside the house and other stuff that onvolved the other two. For all of this the one who pretended to have murdered someone blamed me for everything and I believed it was true and thought a friend of mine just died because of me. I blamed myself the whole time. And she threatened to also murder me and I think also my family because I had beem writing another one of the 4, and pretended to have somehow access to my phone and seeing what messages I was sending. I was so terrified and nearly called the police. I can't excactly remember why I didn't, but I think it was because I was for some or multiple reasons to scared to do so. I wrote them all the time during this that I was scared. They knew I was scared. And they continued for so long. If they hadn't stopped I would probably have called the police. So anyway at some point one of them wrote something along the lines of "ez get wrecked" or something like that. And since I currently think I might have bpd (which as I said I don't want to self diagnose with, and I'm gonna talk about with my therapist), and also due to a lack of a better term for it currently I completely split on all of them. I was just filled with anger and hate for them and wanted to hurt them and also felt so hurt and betrayed. There was also still all this panic from before and I don't think I can completely recall everything of this. But in the course of this and the next day, or maybe just this day, I don't completely remeber, I told them all that I hate them, send them a picture of me with a knife saying it was their fault, told one to straigt up kill themselves, while they seemed to don't even understand what they did wrong. And the one who acted like she killed a friend of mine and threatened to kill my family was angry at me for believing what happened. Like I was the one who was at fault for feeling like shit during this "prank" and was also an asshole for that. And they were all against me and said that it was just my fault for overreacting. And most of them never apologized. Or just like a "surry if you were hurt by this". And I can't deal with all of this. They blamed this all on my mental state and maybe zome of the stuff I said afterwards was because of it and it was not okay to act like I would kill or harm myself or tell one of them to kill themselves, I know that. But they blamed everything on my mental state and acted like I was the only one who did something wrong. And I think what's really bad is is that it worked. I started feeling so much guilt after this was over and was scared of losing them because they were my only friends irl and I felt like I did something completely horrible. And I appologized to them after all this and I really don't feel like I should have. Most of the friendships completely deteriorated after some time anyway, except for the one who actually appologized, but also said a lot of hurtful stuff. She also again appologized at a later point again. And like back then I though I was kinda okay and this wasn't affecting me anymore. But I'm pretty sure it was still affecting me and is still affecting me. Because I think I can't even process emotionally what happened. It's just too much for me.

This all came back to me when I was going through old textmessages for some reason and saw something about this. And like it all came back. I think I might have repressed the memory, because I technically think I knew it happened I think it just wasn't really there. And reading these messages made everything really bad for me again. And I think I just needed kinda a place to vent about this. If anyone read all of this thatk you for reading through all of this.

TLDR: Two years ago five of my friends thought it was a good idea to prank me by pretending that one murdered a friend of mine and threatening to murder my family, while blaming me for all of this. I was in complete panic and split on them afterwards and split on them afterwards while they made me out to be terrible for believing what hat happened, and I still can't deal with all of this.