So, about 18 months ago I finally learned that I have BP2. This after more decades that I would like to count trying to live a life with something seriously wrong, yet not knowing how to fix it. Along the way I've lost a fantastic job and destroyed my marriage. I can't get my job back. I can't get my wife back, even thought I fixed everything that was wrong, or at least manage it pretty well. I can't remember most of what I did to cause this, but it was bad. Lots of alcohol use (self-medication). I finally ended up in IOP to get off alcohol, and almost by luck I got a BP2 diagnosis and medicine that worked, after literally decades trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It took 7 therapists and 5 psychiatrists over the years to do it, though.

So, does anyone else have the feeling of "was that really me?" and "who am I now?" Now that I'm taking Lamactal and staying off alcohol, I don't feel anything like the person who did all the stuff I did in the past.  Am I really responsible for being such an awful person if I didn't know what I was doing or why? (And my behavior was, objectively, terrible). I feel like I have to accept that part of being me is being a cruel asshole, even if I wasn't medicated or diagnosed at the time. That's a lot to swallow on top of a BP diagnosis. It's like being told you seriously ill and also are failure as a human being at the same time. I wish this was cancer. At least I would only have hurt myself and maybe I wouldn't have all this crazy, awful stuff inside me.

Sorry to be such a downer. I know I should be grateful I finally got this figured out and got medication that works, but I'm not seeing much of a future here, and I don't know how to put myself back together again. My soon-to-be-ex-wife says I seem "disoriented." Maybe this is just a down swing. The medication doesn't take care of the BP symptoms completely. 

Any thoughts or advice would be helpful.