If I voiced any of these concerns to family members they would probably keel over in guilt that they hadn't noticed my state of mind earlier, and immediately take a drastic course of action, which I do not want. Let me state very clearly that I am not a danger to myself or others at the moment, but I fear the day I wake up and can't deal with the shit spinning around my head. 

I worry that I am headed down a scary path. To be completely blunt, I go through periods of multiple days thinking, worrying, and weeping about unsolvable existential questions behind closed doors. During these periods, I have an incredibly hard time finding any meaning behind anything I do. I only workout and attend my internship because not doing so would disappoint everyone that supports me and spit in the faces of those that haven't had the same opportunities. 

I have other periods where I find distractions, and frankly, I hate that version of myself more than the one that sits alone, depressed. I can't sit still or focus on one thing, and I am aggressive and unkind to the people around me, my family included. If I'm not mean to the people around me, my kindness feels routine and fabricated. I workout until I vomit, I sleep no more than 3 or 4 hours a night, and obsessively clean my room and space around me. When I have gone out with friends, I drink too much, blackout, and start fights, hurting myself and others unnecessarily. 

I can't help but feel that this post is incredibly solipsistic. Every time I'm hit with a wave of self-pity, I'm reminded that I live an extremely comfortable upper-class life with no real problems of any kind. I hate the fact that all of my senses and emotions tell me that I am the center of the universe when of course it's more than likely that in a few decades my name will mean nothing. In a way, I believe the darker side of absurdism that outlines the futility of us humans trying to find meaning in a universe that is obviously meaningless. 

This was my best attempt to put the whirlwind of feelings inside my head, and by no means do I expect anyone to diagnose me, help me, or reach out to me. If anything, this is a conduit for feelings that I can't express to anyone else and a hope that someone can say something along the lines of "I've been there."