(excuse me for my english) 

I feel like i should take my exit when i turn 28 soon. 

I am so tired hoping. 
Why i am born this way? I never asked to be 'gay'. Growing in this country and this world with a lot of people wish someone like me to die and abnormal is just.. i dunno. 
A lot of people tried to change me, insult me, hate me, talking shit behind my back. Forcing me to marry a girl to 'cure' me. 
I am tired of eating hot peppers everytime i feel aroused or sometimes shock theraphy myself with stun gun i had. 
I am tired seeing psychologist for years trying to cure me and pray for me to change. 

They have no idea, how much i want a 'normal life' i always feel guilty for having a crush with a guy.They have no idea i want such life like Start a family, date, being committed to each other, marry, have a sex, have someone to die for. 
Have a support system, have someone to welcome me. 
But no matter how hard i try, it is so hard to be 'normal'. 
At the same time, people look at me with disgust. I am tired of prayer team nagging me to ask me if their prayer works. 
I am tired of dating people i don't love, and people always force me to marry a woman to cure me. No matter how hard i try, i can only see them as friends, they always want something intimate i cannot give. A lot of girls said it's okay, we don't want that. But in the end they leave me for not being 'intimate' enough. 

Neighbours, family, and relatives never stop bugging me. Even some of them wish me to die soon. Cuz, what is the point of living when i am destined to go to hell? The holy told me so. I always wondered... Why god makes something he hates? His followers hates me and He hates me for being different. An outcast who destinied to go to hell. 

People only use me because i can offer them some cash. I did it for compensate my loneliness. 
Hah, what do i expect?
I tried to have relationship with a guy, but what is the point having a forbidden love? Where we are morally villainized by this country and society. 

I truly wish i didn't feel the wrong attachment. 

 A lot of people like me living in the closet. 


I feel like perhaps friendship is the only way, but t this marriage and 'breeding' age, friendship is no longer relevant. No matter how i tried to maintain a friendship, their priority will always their partners and kids, and they 'marriage circle'. Their wives always look at me with such disgust, preventing their husband to spend time with me. 
Hah, what do i expect. 
I heard many people gossiping to their kids to 'never be friend with him, you'll turn like him too'' 
I don't want to pursue sexual desire anymore. Bit seeking companionship in platonic relationship is hard too. My friends always reccomend me to marry a girl to ease me loneliness. 

Sometimes i wonder if there is a girl like and ugly amd outcast like myself? 

God, how i wish to live a normal life. I never this kind of life, i always have to accept that the fact i will be hated by my family and losing job because i am an 'outcast'. 
I wanna date someone without being morally hated, have friends who can share romance stories, living a 'normal' life where i can be morally accepted. 

This loneliness is killing me, and their hate and disgust towards me is also killing me, especially when it come to your own family and friends who just find out who i really was. 
I am tired...tired of fighting with myself. 

I m poor too... i dunno if i can move somewhere else. 
Being born in this homophobic and religious country is.. a curse. 

I wanna feel love and intimacy... is that too much to ask? 

"Burn the gays, Kill em, , torute then to traumatized them, Disguisting creature, Sinful people'' 
hah, i feel like i deserved that. 

Even tho i am trying to be good person, i was born sinful right? 
No one believe i was born this way, and hiding it for years was hard, i know since i am a kid being 'gay' is sinful and i must hide it. 
They always said my friendship with girls caused it, i was being single for too long, my dad's sins, etc. 

With their fake smile, there is a gritted teeth thinking i am going to hell someday. 


Maybe i should accept the fact i can never have such love till the day i die. I cannot love woman the way normal guys did. I can only be their best friends. But hey, did i say friendship is obsolete at this age?

I wonder if there are people out there is looking a platonic relationship...being friends till we die fron old age, we joke, we share... like having a 2nd family. 

But... i am losing my hope to find such people. 
Who the heck wanna be always together with a friend? That would be weird isn't it?
hahaha how childish i am. 



Love is killing me...
I wish never feel attraction at all.
I wanna have such companionship. But i don't think i can get it when people i love hate me for it. I am already a disappointment for not being rich and having a career they expect me to.have, or start a family at 23. 
And then the fact they find out what i really am. More disappointment. 

I feel like, it is better for me to take my exit quietly. This worlds no need a waste of oxygen like myself. Who the heck likes trash? 
"You're going to hell, cuz you're gay, you are going to have eternal torture'' 

Heh, hell isn't it.... 

Or maybe i can somehow be helpful in this society? Doing something good? 
Accepting myself that i love is not for me. 
Maybe with helping people... i will have a new meaning in life... even though i have to live with loneliness. 
Hah, i don't know anymore. 
I hope if i do good, God will not take me to hell...
Even tho his loyal followers hates me. 
Maybe thats all i can do in my last days isn't it?  at least i contribute something in this world.