Within the last couple years of life, it has felt like I was awoken suddenly from a dream I didn’t know I was having and then just like thrust into figuring out this new weird waking life. I think about myself before this feeling and I was really positive, had high hopes for myself, I thought I was invincible really and on my way to fame and happiness any minute. 

Then I graduated college, which is a big life change by itself, so that’s why I don’t know if it’s normal to feel this way post-grad or if it’s my BPD. 

After graduation, everything changed. I had to move back home (2 hours away) to my shitty family, my friends all went their separate ways as well and now all of us are spread out around California so far from one another. What gets me is I didn’t see this coming. Which makes absolutely no sense because I had to graduate college eventually right? But I didn’t see it coming. I was buzzing on the high of being away from my family and in this new world that I just thought this was finally happiness and nothing could ever take it away. But all of it did get taken away. 

I hope this makes sense, but I got really angry and irrationally emotional about that part of my life being over. It felt like I was grieving myself. Without that setting and those people, I was completely lost and didn’t even know how to be myself anymore. It took me almost 3 years to start to move on, and even still it feels like I’m floundering a little bit. 

Right now it feels oddly strange to me how long days are, and how much of every second I have to live. I’m not feeling suicidal, but it feels like when I compare the two periods, in the past I wasn’t really here for every day. You know? Like I genuinely was lost in some fantasy world, and now time moves slower and I’m a new person and it feels like I’ve met everyone else in reality. 

I kind of cringe at the thought of the “old” me and am convinced everyone who knew me in college got exhausted by how up in the clouds I was. 

Does anyone relate to this?