[CW: sex, self-harm] yesterday I (23F) had my first “negative” sexual encounter with my current FP (24M) and it is making me feel extremely empty inside.

I asked him to keep my pants on after he pulled them down. I wasn’t in that kind of mood. He listened. Then a few minutes later, he asked me again. I totally went into fawn/freeze mode (side note: I am extremely people pleasing). I was so fearful of what would happen if I didn’t listen (although I know that he wouldn’t physically harm me). I went along with it. I was zoned out. He noticed. We stopped. He tried to talk to me and I shut down completely. I finally had the courage to say something. We both cried and went to sleep.

I am suspected to have “quiet” BPD (formerly diagnosed with CPTSD) and I cannot help but be upset and disgusted with myself. I know I am reeling in a dark place. I’ve never self harmed and that was my fist instinct last night. I feel a little bit better this morning, but still feeling sucky. Just wanted to vent/see if anyone had any encouraging words. Thank you &lt;3