I have been saving up to leave I have been putting every single dollar i can save away I have limited what I buy I have cut my cell phone plan to its lowest plan I have a place to go to with the kids but it seems like its not enough its never enough I am doing everything I can do alone it seems like its not enough. All while still cooking and cleaning and maintaining this hell house. Its like he has a black cloud around him and when he walks in everything turns black. The family member i am moving in with is disabled so they will be helping me at the same time I am helping them. My depression is getting the best of me and I want to just give up and face reality this will continue to be my life. Its no way I can possibly pick up another job just to get the rest of the funds I need and I have no one I can borrow it from. The suicidal thoughts are coming back but for my kids I cant take the  cowards way out i am truly trying what am I doing wrong . I have sold a lot of stuff and put the money away I do not plan on taking everything with us because I cant and our safety is more important than anything materialistic. I just want to leave I Can not take the constant abuse the constant its my fault. What else can I do is what I often ask myself. I cry myself to sleep almost every night this is not life im convinced I am living in hell. I push myself so hard while being depressed but trying to hide it so the kids do not see it. I know life is not meant to be easy but I know its not suppose to be this hard when I am trying and doing everything I can to get away from what makes my depression worst. Sorry for misspelling and being all over the place just crying and venting I want to check out of life already.