Tw: death, rape
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I can’t exactly pinpoint when it started but I’m really starting to drown. I wanna get to the point so short version:

Around 12 my friend and I spent the night with my grandma (alcoholic) she was the type that always had people over. A man there tried to get my friend and I drunk and he broke into the room after we locked the door. Luckily he left us alone. Later that year my mom had an affair with a much younger man....the same man. They had sex around me a lot. My mom chose him over me always. They were together until I’m 21-she found pictures of my crotch on his phone he took under the table. 

Freshman year of college had a rapey sexual encounter. Because of the details I have a hard time not blaming myself even though I know it wasn’t my fault.

Junior year of college my great grandmother (Dementia and skin cancer) moved in with my mom. I watched her decline until she died. Lots of guilt because instead of being there for her I ran away a lot because I couldn’t handle it. Lots of details being left out here but the whole ordeal was not pretty. 

At this point I was smoking a lot of weed and drinking as soon as I woke up. Started skipping classes. Ended up dropping out of school. Didn’t want to go home to my moms house so I moved in with a boyfriend who enabled me.

He and I broke up and I immediately get into another relationship (current) pretty sure he is a narcissist. I start living off of him. We have a baby. During our relationship (2 years) there’s been a lot to test my already fragile mind. Lies cheating gaslighting and self blame because I can’t bring myself to get a job so I’m doing this to myself. 

We just moved into a new place and I’ve found myself scared. I always feel like I’m being watched and if he’s not around I have a sense of fear constantly. I covered all the windows with sheets because I’m scared of someone watching me. When I’m home alone I constantly look out into the yard/woods to make sure no one is there. I check the rooms as well occasionally to make sure no one is in the house. I’ve also been easy to irritate/anger. If I grab a packaged item and can’t immediately get it open I feel rage. If I drop something I feel rage. I’ve started getting irritated with my son (10m) when he squirms and gives me trouble putting his clothes on like I’m in a race to get it done and if I don’t something bad will happen. I have really been struggling to control myself. I don’t want my son to remember his mom being crazy and constantly looking out the windows or being irritated. 

I honestly cannot afford a therapist. Does anyone have any tips/resources that could help me?