I don't feel like myself anymore. I find myself stuck in this constant loop of self loathing and jealousy. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve anything. My smile feels broken and my emotions forced. The friends I didn't push away, I find myself constantly getting envious over. I watch the way they are able to interact with others and make friends with ease, and I get extremely down on myself. 

For example, I was playing a game with my best friend last night (who I met online and have been playing with for almost 10 years now) and we decided to group up with people. He ended up adding like two of them as friends at the end of the session, and ofc in my head I started irrationally thinking "what if he doesn't want to play with me anymore" (How stupid of me right?) I thought that my friend, who I talk to everyday and have played games with for damn near a decade, was going to leave me behind. Instead of being happy that we might have just made new friends to run with, I agonized over the fact that they seemed to get along and they probably won't like me and I'll end up alone (even though I know that is most likely not the case at all) 

I hate feeling like there is not a single good thing about me that someone could possibly like or enjoy enough to want to even be my friend.