I am a little hesitant to write this here because I don’t want anyone to be triggered. Please, if you’re reading this, think about how loved you are. Don’t believe the lies you tell yourself, you are needed. Ask for help, don’t be ashamed. Shame is a killer.


Im going to write this despite my reservations because I can’t think of a more appropriate place to look for answers to the questions I am having. I actually followed this group for a long time, but stopped because it hurt me to think about the silent struggle mom was having, even while she was here.

My mom had BPD, and after her passing last Monday I realized she told basically no one but me. She was ashamed of this illness, which breaks my heart. She had come over last week to help me do things for my wedding. She was picking out dresses to wear to my wedding that day. She told me she couldn’t wait for the pitter patter of little feet around the house. She wanted to be a grandma, and I wanted to make her one. 

She knew where we kept a gun. She drank 10 beers that day (completely unlike her). She took a gun from my room, left without saying goodbye, drove up the street and shot herself in the woods of a middle school. No note, just lots of questions.

My brother had died of an asthma attack 10 years ago, and I felt it my personal responsibility to assure that she knew she was a good mom. I tried everything, but it seemed she couldn’t accept my love. I’m trying to cope by telling myself I didn’t do anything wrong that day, but everyone told me she was SO excited for my wedding. I don’t know what flipped the switch so suddenly.

Going through her things and her will, it seems she was preparing in case this happened some time in the future. Perhaps she just saw an opportunity and took it. It feels as though she threw me to the wolves, but I can’t be mad at her. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t think about the way this would effect me after I left. My dad, brother and mom are all dead. I feel lost, and terrified.

She had written an email to a BPD support group shortly before, saying how lonely she was, even though she had more friends than anyone I know. She said “no wonder people take their own lives”.

If anyone has the strength to provide some insight from a BPD perspective, I think that might help me understand. It kills me to know she was suffering. She was my role model for strength, my biggest fan, my shoulder to cry on. I wish I had a note, but maybe someone can provide on it. All of her friends said she was so proud of me. She would always tell me that I was the jewels on her crown.

TLDR: BPD took my mom. Why wouldn’t she leave me a note, why would she miss my wedding and my children?