Sorry if this ends up sounding like a ramble, but I just feel so stuck.

32F, I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 17 years old, currently been in therapy steadily since February with weekly appointments. I was told I have GAD and major depressive disorder.

I’ve noticed being in a relationship is really triggering for me and I can’t seem to figure out why. I’ve been in other relationships, some even long term (I’ve been in two different 5 year long relationships). I’ve had my fair share of insecurities amongst those relationships and had thoughts of “what if they cheat on me” or “what if they meet someone else and leave me” but it is almost to the point in this relationship where it is obsessive. If his phone goes off, I want to look at the screen to see who it is even though he could very well hide notifications from certain people. He mainly works with all women and it always comes off super flirty to me. It doesn’t help that I don’t feel secure with myself, but I just have been having a hard time distinguishing if this is all in my head or if it’s some sort of intuition that this relationship just isn’t right. I love him, but I’ve never felt so uncomfortable and unsure in my life. I just don’t know how to figure out if it’s the relationship in general or if it’s all in my head.

I was involved in a situation where my cousin was cheating on his SO and kept it hidden for months. Mind you, the person he was have an affair with was a roommate who was also dating someone. Although it’s not my business, I can’t help but feel this is what started this negative way of thinking where I just think everyone, especially romantic partners, are deceitful and are capable of anything. 

I almost feel like I have some sort of OCD with this but haven’t been diagnosed with anything. I try to distract myself by doing things I enjoy but once I’m done the thoughts just come right back, nothing sticks. It’s to the point where I don’t really want to go do anything alone because I feel like it opens up the opportunity to get cheated on.

I’m basically just venting and hoping to find some advice on how I can get over this and just accept life as it comes.