i’m 19 and i’ve been an in-patient and an out-patient. i’m trying to help myself it’s just hard. i’ve been on every ssri and snri under the sun and they feel like sugar pills to me. along with suicidal thoughts come homocidal thoughts and anger i cannot control and it’s killing me. when i get mad i say or do whatever i can to hurt whoever or whatever is hurting me. everyone is perfect for the time being and then becomes the most terrible person i’ve ever met within my head. i feel like a complete psychopath beyond help. all i can think about is wanting it to be over. i delve into drugs that i cant even afford and have the strongest dependency on weed i’ve ever encountered which is saying a lot. all i feel is rage at everyone around me (my parents, doctors, psychiatrists, friends, s/o’s) and it’s the worst feeling. it doesn’t make me feel good to treat others like this. i’ve become so violent and disregard any consequences even though i think about them before hand. i have no self-control and i don’t even know who i am. i have a terrible feeling i will end up dead or in jail. my anxiety eats me alive to the point where i cant eat, sleep, concentrate. i was thinking about admitting myself but at this point i know it will make me more suicidal (from experience). everyday i wake up i feel bpd take more and more from me. when will it end?? i have no hope and that is the worst feeling i have ever experienced. just emptiness and feeling sorry for myself. i cant keep ruining relationships and myself. i just need help. i am self-aware and everyone says that is the first step but it doesn’t seem to be helping me any. i try to go out in the sun and spend time with good people and focus on the positive things around me but when something goes wrong or doesn’t go my way it feels like my world is crashing down on top of me. suffocating in my own thoughts is a great way to describe it. everything i touch feels like sand that just keeps slipping through my fingers until there is nothing left but me. but the only thing i am afraid of is myself.