My FP and I mutually broke up a few months ago after my BPD traits had been getting in the way of our relationship for nearly a year or so. We came to the conclusion that it was simply hurting both of us to stay together, especially myself. He was also planning to move overseas for a year anyway, so long distance would have been been more unsustainable. After a series of on an off interactions since then, I have told him to give me some space, as it seems I am still incredibly hung up on him in a way that would make things toxic if we were to stay friends. As y'all know, our fear of abandonment makes it incredibly difficult to ask for space so it was not easy to make this decision.

Finally for the last couple of weeks I've started to feel slightly more stable and actually started looking forward to having some quality alone time (due to all this forced self-isolation). However, after not hearing from my ex for the last couple of weeks, he messaged me to see how I was going today and It. Triggered. A. Shitstorm.

The conversation was fine but then I got triggered by the fact that he's making all these new friends (and probably potential romantic interests) overseas and travelling around with them. It makes me so jealous for many different reasons. It also makes me feel incredibly hurt that he isn't responding to my further messages even though he's been online numerous times throughout the day, so I feel as if it's unfair that he was the one that started the conversation, and yet he is the one that is less interested in finishing it. It's clear that I'm still way too hung up on him compared to him. 

I feel it's so unfair that neurotypical him gets to spark a convo with his ex, and then have it barely affect his day or his mood. Meanwhile, I have spent the last ten hours anxiously checking whether he has responded; I've typed out a few messages lashing out at him in anxiety/abandonment, only to delete them; I've cried excessively for hours; felt deep chest pains - all because of this fucking borderline personality disorder. What a waste of a day. 

I'm also mad that he is just so unaffected whilst I have to spend the next few days trying to process this interaction I had with him and instil motivation in myself all over again to make the most of self-isolation, as if it wasn't hard enough already the first time. 

At the moment I am trying so hard not to just lash out at him again and blame him for triggering me, and just patiently wait for him to respond without pushing. But God it's hard: no one sees the amount of mental anguish that goes behind trying to have a simple interaction and keeping yourself accountable. 

TLDR; BPD makes interacting with your ex-FP so much harder than it already is to interact with an ex. No one sees how much work goes into trying to sustain a normal/healthy interaction. Will it ever get easier?