Hhhhhi so I posted somewhat ab this on another subreddit but I came here too because I'm sure a lot of you will understand all of this.

My flair is currently labeled as multiple because of venting, however, TW for a brief s/h mention. If my flair needs to be changed for any reason, kindly let me know in the comments and I will change it right away.


I think my mom has narcissistic traits. Same with my stepdad. However, I could be wrong and they could both just be straight up toxic, but I've been at a crossroads for years and I think they take advantage of how emotional I am. I think they see that I'm upset and they like that I get upset from what they say. They want that satisfaction. My mom says things for shock value I'm sure, because there are a few times where 1. She has called me dense for not being able to solve a math problem (in 7th grade mind you) 2. "Joking" about calling me a stripper and poking fun at the fact that it made me uncomfortable (oh and my stepdad told me to "go easy on her" when i was setting boundaries) and 3. ENCOURAGING s/h behavior after she found out I did it while yelling at me about it. 



I'm just actually fed up and I can't tell if it's just me being a big old dummy or not, but I can't find a way to detach myself. I always feel extreme guilt for talking about my mom in this way, but I feel hurt and I think I keep splitting when it comes to her. Right now things are going smoothly and nothing bad has happened in the past 2 weeks really (atleast nothing that will send me into a spiral/breakdown) but there are also times where things are just awful and it keeps messing with my feelings and it hurts. Both of my boyfriends tell me that she's not good to be around but I can't detach. I WANT to. I always find ways to blame myself for everything that's happened. I used to be extremely impulsive when I was a teen and had an internet addiction, but things were already bad even before then. I keep excusing the behavior. I keep forgiving so easily. Maybe I'm just being ungrateful, maybe they're just having a bad day, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem...



I can't stand my ground with them. I always burst into tears at some point before I just get aggressive with them and then somehow I just feel nothing at all. It feels like I'm mocked everytime they tell me that I need to calm down or that I'm being too dramatic. My emotions constantly feel muddied and it's hard to even form an opinion about my own parents when everyone around me makes excuse for them.



I'm posting this here because I know some of you have had to deal with parents like this. Or similar to, atleast. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to go live with my dad but it would hurt and I'd blame myself for leaving my mom. I don't have anyone in real life that I can talk to about this since my sister always defends them. I just feel alone- what do I do at this point? How can I help myself in this sense?