I just turned 32 and I've suffered from depression and anxiety disorders for more than 15 years now, and it basically crippled every aspect of my life. I managed to get my country's AP equivalent at age 23 after dropping out school initially, after which I attended university. But after countless setbacks and several hospitalizations, I left after 5 years without a degree and spent some time working in the service industry to not completely give in to desperation. But that wasn’t sustainable in the long term, and at the beginning of last year I decided to give university another try and worked hard to get into my chosen subject. The first semester was a trial, with me having increasingly little time for my old friends and lockdown isolation in general also making it difficult for me to connect with my fellow students. Despite that and my reservations and fears due to the significant age difference, I somehow found genuinely good friends among them who go out of their way to make me feel accepted. This spring and summer were among the best I’ve ever had. I did well in my tests. I connected emotionally to people in ways I never did before. I found new hobbies, tried new things I’ve previously always been too afraid of, like going to the gym. I regularly get invited to parties, and while the age difference is noticeable, I consistently am judged to be much younger than I am, which at first, I put down to an uncomfortable politeness on part of the other person. But given that recently a young woman even got very touchy with me and gave me to understand that she would like to go home with me, I should probably just accept that I don’t stand out as badly as I fear I do.

With all that, and the fact that I’m lucky enough to have an endlessly patient family who support me, you’d think I’d be able to just say fuck it and make the best out of a weird situation and take the chance to relive my lost 20s. And you’d be wrong… For the past months I’ve been feeling as lonely and desperate as ever. I see young people around me getting into relationships, or enjoying their newfound freedom by having casual flicks, or simply enjoying each other’s company. I in contrast had my last intimate moment in my last and only relationship that ended over 10 years ago by now, and the shame of my inexperience as well as severe body image issues that began bubbling up recently again completely prevent me from doing anything to rectify any of it. Even with me having the chance to be intimate with someone just ends with me recoiling from physical touch and feeling nothing but shame, and paralyzing fear. And with that my fear of always staying alone turns into certainty again, and it is eating at me. I also can’t even get out of my depression when I’m among others, and it hurts the people around me. I feel as lonely among my friends as I do without, and I’m increasingly having trouble hiding it, which is obviously overwhelming to them, since they worry about me but don’t know what they could do - and who can blame them? I am pushing people around me away and spend my limited free time in equal parts with daydreaming about being anyone but me, being disgusted by myself, and thinking about death. And with all that I’m increasingly having trouble finding the strength to study – which should be my priority number one.

I’m caught in this downward spiral that I know all too well and after 15 years should know how to break through, but I don't, and I just feel so lost. I feat that this attempt at building a life for myself is as doomed as all that came before it, and I’m terrified of where I’ll be in a couple of months from now.

Just what the fuck is wrong with my brain???