
i cant describe my pain , im not even sure anyone will read this but i wanna cry but no tears will come im numb but i feel so much… i want this pain to end but there is no way to solve it , if i kms ill either be damned for eternity in hell, reincarnated so i have to live again or its just nothingness. theres no escape from anything. im in a relationship that means so much to me but means little the other way im just a tool to get company, food or an escape from family troubles . im nothing without her when shes everything without me. i have no friends that i trust, barely any functional family and i have this person in my mind that just talks constantly. telling me the darkest things he could think of , the most obscure situations that could cross my mind. the only time he stops is when i bang my head but thats because of the noise of the hit not because my mind is calm, half my days are a blur the other are a living nightmare. the only time i get any pleasure is from sleeping because my dreams give me comfort or sexual acts  because i’m focused more on orgasming than feeling like this 
im forced to live this way because of a one night stand not because of love or purpose but a night of fun 
whats even the point ?