hi guys, i have a girl with bpd too. I met her in another country, and after a week of sex, since I had to go back to my country, we decided to stay in touch. We talked all summer(2019), making us the promise to be faithful to each other and not to go with other people even if we were not engaged. Needless to say, 4 days before we met again I found out that she had cheated on me once (then I found out that it was more than once), I got very angry, but I decided to see her anyway and we ended up engaged. I had been depressed for a while because of various problems, and I saw what I liked in her. After we got engaged we stayed away for another month, until I went to stay in her town for 1 month. That month together started very badly, we got drunk and she beat me up. The police came, we went to the hospital, it was hell. Li confessed to me that she had Bpd and I realized that she had a drinking problem too. We spent that month together arguing all the time, with me finding out more and more lies and her treating me worse and worse. I left in November, as I had to graduate and to be with her I was far behind in my studies. During November, I slept 2 hours a night, to study and to talk with her on video call. In the meantime, she got closer to a friend of hers, I was very jealous and she kept calling me crazy for not trusting her, in short, the stress of studying and the continuous fights with her destroyed me, and we broke up again and again. We arrive in January, when on my graduation day I discover that my father has pancreatic cancer, which devastated me completely. I stayed with him for a week in the hospital, and when we finally took him home. On the video call I find out that she had cheated on me that same night, while I was taking my father home, she had gone to a disco in her hometown where she cheated on me, and after a few days I find out that she has been cheating on me since November (telling me that she has never had sex with anyone though, should I believe it?), as well as NUMBERED OTHER LIEIES that I don't write. In 1 week i found out that my father was very sick and that my girlfriend had cheated on me, as well as the covid that started soon after. I decide, like a real idiot, to continue with her. After a few weeks where she had been sweet and caring, the quarrels came back (she hadn't got over her ex, of which she talked to me sometimes), until May when my father died. For a few days she was sweet again, but afterwards, again fighting, while I didn't understand how she could do something so bad to a person who had just lost his father. I had to study again, while I was crying for my father and arguing with her. During this summer she came to live with me for a few months and spent a period of fighting and love. Now she is back in her city again and we are going through a terrible time, she selfharmed and then said that is my fault. Considering the time I am afraid that she will betray me. The only thing that makes me think she doesn't is because we are in quarantine for the covid. I see her different now, I don't think she is cheating on me, I see her trying to control her negative emotions, she just can't and I have less and less patience and this leads to furious quarrels. She would like to go to therapy, because she knows that it's the only way for us to feel good, only for economic reasons we can't go to a psychologist at the moment. She doesn't refuse therapy and doesn't deny that she is sick, and I don't know what to do. She told me that in the first months she didn't love me, and that for almost a year now she really loves me. I don't know how to solve the situation, I love her and I am very alone at the moment. If I left her I would have to face the break-up alone, and the thought makes me sick, because now I am far away from my friends and acquaintances and I have a difficult situation in my family. Do you have any advice?
Should i keep going with her until we get therapy and hope that our history will get better? She is not a evil girl, i dont see her in all the stories i read here and there, i see that she is different, that our relationship could be great, but i need a bit of support. I dont want to develop some mental issues just because i fight for her, but i dont want to let her alone. Im fucked up, really really fucked up, sorry for the big post.