-Not my usual posting account for anonymity-

I don't know what to do. I'm craving intimacy but I'm terrified.

* '05-'08: I've had girlfriends who were mentally and physically abusive. I was drinking and partying all the time. It was difficult to leave those girlfriends even though it wasn't healthy for me.

*  '09: I was drugged and then raped by a friend (obviously former now). I had no time to deal with that as I was about to be deployed to Iraq.

* '10: Get back from Iraq and enlistment is up. Move to a 2 year school out of state.

* '11: Father dies during summer finals. Go home for a month. Back at school, I try to start dating again. It's been over two years since the rape. I went on a couple dates through OKCupid. Women were a lot more aggressive than I'm comfortable with. Didn't go on second dates as I wasn't ready for physical intimacy. I do end up giving in to my needs on a first date. I wasn't comfortable. I wanted to please her though. We were together for 2 months.

* '12 Shortly after the new year I break up with her. She didn't want to remain friends though because we weren't having sex then. Couple months later I'm finally getting some mental health care. Move home at the end of summer after I had to drop out of school due to health.

* '15-now: Over 3 years since I've had sex. Diagnosed now with MDD, BPD, and PTSD. Still don't feel too comfortable dating. I'm trying not to give in to casual sex.

I don't feel I am capable of finding a middle ground. Just live like a hermit or put myself out there for anything good or bad. I just don't want to feel shame for something that I shouldn't feel that way about. I enjoy it. Why do I feel bad about it? Why am I still avoiding it? Am I punishing myself? Is it because I don't love myself and I am not letting anyone love me?