(not 100% sure if this is totally my bpd as i have other diagnoses but yeah) woke up this morning feeling like total shit after a pretty long stretch of feeling decent. i was on the verge of a panic attack all day, cried hysterically in the bathroom at work for no reason, lashed out at my coworker for no reason, left work early. dissociating, feeling paranoid and out of it as fuck. hallucinating. i hate this disorder so much and i just want to be ok. i’ve been meditating, dbt, doing yoga, journaling, taking my meds, all that shit and nothing is working. i want to kill myself. this is so defeating and knowing i will have to deal with this for the rest of my life hurts so bad. i’m getting to the point where i want to say fuck it and quit my job, break my phone and ghost everything in my life for the millionth time but i cant. i don’t know what to do. my brain won’t shut the fuck up and i want to hurt myself. i just don’t know. i have therapy thursday. part of me wants to talk to her about taking some time off work but then i’ll just be sitting around being anxious about not being productive / not making money / convinced everybody at my job hates me and is talking shit about me. plus i feel like a fucking loser. i fuck everything up. it’s a lose lose situation. no matter what i do i am always miserable and empty at the end of the day and i hate it so much. i would give anything at all to not have this disorder and just go one day feeling like a normal person. i’m hoping tomorrow will be better and honestly i dont know what i’ll do if it isn’t. i’m so tired.