I finally gave up today. I've spent my life getting bucked off the proverbial horse...countless times. Each time I get back on, it's worse then the time before. After trying every medication, therapy, inpatient, outpatient, you name it, it just keeps getting worse. I have no hope of ever attaining anything, but complete and devastating isolation from society. I have nothing. I am nothing. I'm invisible to this world and I'm just done trying. My soul has died. The eternal drive that always kept me going, finally crashed. This isn't a temporary emotional break down. I've had those. This isn't something that will heal over time. I used to believe that, but the mental infection kept getting worse. I'm 53 and have "nothing". I'm empty inside. I'm nothing but a massive failure across the board. If life was a baseball game, I've never hit the ball once or made it to first base. I always strike out. The darkness is creeping in and swallowing me. I don't have the strength to fight it this time. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing that excites me or that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I've permanently stalled out. There's nothing about the human mind I don't know. I've researched it all and talked to the best psychologists and psychologists out there. I've researched things on my own too. I've delved as deep into my emotions as anyone could ever possibly get. I've made a side career out of studying my mind and the human psyche in general. It's nothing but a black abyss with no hope or even the tiniest glimmer of light. I'm just falling, sinking downward. The pressure will soon be enough to crush me. I guess that's what it looks like when a soul truly dies. I should have never been born. What a complete waste of a life.