*hi i dont usually write stuff or talk to people i dont have any friends but today has been eating at me particularly, when i write freely its usually very confusing and jumbled up, because im just thinking and writing. feel free to skip this lol*

I don't do very much. Sometimes I feel like I have a really talented successful person inside me, who can't get out. :( I enjoy the things I enjoy, greatly. I have a lot of interests, but my passions never take me past the point of completion in my projects. 

I think that in turn causes me to further lose confidence in myself. Growing up, people would constantly tell me how smart and talented I was.

 *\[ I was in gifted classes and thought by default I'd be okay I guess. My family pushed me really hard though, like really hard. I got beat with textbooks and they would only accept 100% perfection even though I told them no one else was held to those crazy standards, and also it was Arizona public school, they literally dont care which direction my handwriting is going  \]* 

Being pushed hard so young,.. when I was on my own,. I no longer want to do anything because no one is going to beat me if I don't. So I didn't really have a work ethic, maybe I wasn't even smart,  I was just scared shitless.

 its been 10 years since I turned 18 and left I tried community college, but when it switched to online for covid I totally struggled with even opening my laptop to read anything. nothing got done, and so I just dropped out, having to be **at** class was really giving me that anchor I needed to feel like I belonged with everyone, doing stuff.

that was almost 2 years ago now, somehow :( what have I been doing for two years? nothing? I spent all my college money on stuff no one would ever get me when I was a kid. I've just been in my apartment...hanging out. Playing video games. watching videos. not drinking enough water, or any water at that. besides the no water part I like just hanging out but sometimes I feel like I'm not doing good enough or I'm supposed to be saving. Am I supposed to be doing anything ? I dont even know whats going on In the world right now, life as we know it might not be here in 5 years and thats my 5 year plan. my friend asked me if its okay to have no aspirations, is it ok to just want to exist and then die old? and I was so relieved to hear that. that other people feel this way. if other people feel like this, than its GOTTA be okay. 

theres so a part of me that can't fully commit to that the way she can. I'm constantly worried. I'm worried right now; I don't know about what particularly. just that the future is so close, so far away and so uncertain; and I spend 5 hours a day watching 15 second videos. 

I wanna wake up tomorrow and open up that C++ course.

I wanna walk all that trash down to the dumpster even though ppl are gonna stare at me

I wanna walk my dog during the day, \[again scared ppl will look at me\]

I wanna FEEL smart again, I feel so stupid. 

I wanna work out everyday like it says I will on that note I wrote myself

I wanna SAVE money and not spend it impulsively on everyfuckingthing 

&amp;#x200B;

I keep writing myself notes and stuff hoping it will be authoritarian enough to make me do it but I somehow dont even look at the notes hah.