I recently moved across the country for school so my lifestyle has changed drastically. Im really proud of how independent I've learned to be. It's actually my biggest source of happiness right now, feeling productive, ending toxic coping mechanisms and  starting healthy habits. Plus I'm in the city of my dreams. But I'm incredibly lonely. At first it was by choice, starting from before I left.  I got tired of depending my happiness on the validation of others. Anyways, I don't talk to anyone back home anymore. Except for my best friend but even then it's hard for me to actually open up to her. And I've made new friends but the more I see them the more I feel like it's pointless to be around them. We smoke weed and talk but it doesn't exactly make me happy. Everything is so pointless...Tbh, I just want someone I can feel myself with, who on top of that, supports and cares for me (and have their ACTIONS reflect that). But I also dislike socializing and it's become harder for me, so I feel like I'm just stuck this way too. Even if I got past that, i make it hard on myself to form relationships bc I'm scared of them abandoning me. I hate vulnerability and as much as I hide it, i become very self aware and i end up with a lower self esteem. I feel completely unwanted. As much as I've learned to adore who I am, a lot of people don't get me. Anyways, I've felt lonely for a long time now but it wasn't until tonight that I really FELT it. I even contemplated self harm, which I haven't in a long time. Idk what to do.