I’m just writing this to vent and doubt that anybody will see it. I have been dealing with pregnancy scares for the past 2 months. Actually, it’s been more than just scares; I’m constantly having panic attacks and crying. The thing is this is not just about being pregnant. Before this, I was dealing with ROCD and was crying about it all the time. Before that, I went through extreme hypochondria for 2 years and have always felt anxious every single day. In the past 2.5 years I cannot genuinely remember a time in which I felt completely happy &amp; without a single doubt. It has never happened. Every single day, I wake up and my brain finds something to be anxious about. It has been 1.5 year since I’m in therapy and on meds; I sometimes have better days but my anxious thoughts and sadness is not disappearing at all. I don’t know what to do with life anymore. I am lucky to have people that care about me by my side (my family, partner and friends) but I know that sharing these thoughts 7/24 with them are making then miserable (especially my mom). I don’t want to make them sad anymore so I just don’t share anything and act like everything’s okay. I was finally happy 2 months ago since I recently got into a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. However, I have horrible PTSD from my past toxic and abusive relationship and that relationship and those thoughts are constantly in my mind; making me not enjoy my current relationship. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like my brain hates me so much that it doesn’t want me to be happy. Well, it’s working and I’m definitely not happy even when I have things to be happy and grateful about. I hate myself and how living has become such a torture for me. I just want to pause life for a bit and just stand in the middle of nothingness, if that makes sense. I can’t find a reason to keep going.

Thanks for reading if you’ve read this far.