I joined this sub recently because my illness is kicking my ass and need to be apart of a community that understand. 

I was first diagnosed when I was institutionalized shortly after turning 18(I’m 25 now). The doctor seemed very dismissive and we spent a total of 20 minutes together and he concluded with “you’ll want to get a second opinion when you leave here”. Well being avoidant and irresponsible, I didn’t bother to get a second opinion. Partly because I was scared of the stigma that comes with the diagnosis, partly because I thought I was doing better. My mom is bipolar (I dunno her official diagnosis) and has PTSD and I feel like she tells everyone, every single chance she gets and that’s always bothered me a lot. She uses it as a crutch for her lashing out, if I’m honest. I would never say anything like that to her because I don’t want her to feel like she can’t express herself or heal, but it definitely added to my own personal stigma about invisible illnesses, and made me more reluctant to accept mine. 

Well fast forward to this past year and a half... I’m losing myself and my mind right before my eyes. I’m scary, unpredictable and volatile. With increasing suicidal ideation. I was in a five year relationship and I felt very rejected and alone towards the end which resulted in serious lashing out. I feel like I have absolutely no control over my range of emotions that are all-consuming. He said my feelings were like a fiery tornado that sucks everyone up in them and it was hard to navigate. *tell me about it...* he left and I don’t blame him but I’m slipping so deep and far and really unsure of what I’m supposed to do. I know I need therapy but I missed the open enrollment and have been having a hell of a time becoming insured. 

I’m mostly just venting, and don’t expect any feedback, but I’m open to coping mechanisms. I’m learning things from you guys that help me make sense of my actions and behaviors but I feel so much guilt for how irrational and depressed I’ve become, I know everyone’s tired of dealing with it. 

Anyway, thanks for reading my mumble jumbled train wreck of a partial thought process. 