I wont go too much into the back story of what got me here, as I think the effect it had &amp; currently has on me is more important. Trigger warning for SA mention, drug use, and suicide (non graphic).

I (16F) was in a short term relationship with someone (15M) I absolutely fell in love with. We dated for about a month, tmi but we took each other's virginities after I was sexually assaulted. The thing about this was that I cried to him in his arms when I was too scared to pursue anything past holding hands with him because of my past experiences, and he was supportive of this. He waited for me to be comfortable and treated me like an angel through things like that. I guess you could say its my fault for letting him take something so important from me when I barely knew him, but he is the complete replica of me. We listened to the same exact music, watched the same exact shows, had the same exact interests, etc. I mean, he wanted to hang out with me 3 days after meeting. I was head over heels for someone who was self proclaimed to be obsessed with me.

Things got bad around the 1 month mark. He has bipolar and major depressive disorder. Psychiatrists from both the psychiatric ward I've been to and outside of that are questioning my likeliness of having bipolar as well. He stopped taking his meds in order to take psychedelics, and I knew this was a bad idea. TLDR; things went downhill, he willingly took fentanyl one day, got physically and mentally abusive with his mother, threatened to 💀 in front of his sister, I had to call the cops on him, broke up with me as soon as he got out of the psychiatric ward because he was told he was moving states, it ended up not happening.

The same day he got out of the ward I had a major breakdown. Hysterically sobbing on the phone, throwing said phone, pleading for him to not leave me as he was all I really had going for me. Right after he got sent to the ward, I was smoking weed every day to try to get the days to go by faster while he was away. So when he came back, I didn't stop smoking because it was the only way I could deal with what I had experienced prior. He reassured me that I would find someone better and that he would always love me, but it was just right person wrong time. I obviously didnt believe him as a 15 year old at the time, and a few months later I'm not any better. 

I got sent to a hospital, then psych ward a few days later. June 5, actually. I obviously wont go into details but I was not happy at all. I spent every day thinking about this boy just hoping that he would care enough about what the effect of the events he put me and others through did to people. I got out of the inpatient facility and, to my surprise, he did not care! Actually, the only thing he sent my friend who informed him that I was going to inpatient, was his concern that I potentially still thought we were together! (I did not!) I didnt talk to him for a while after I got out, but I kept in touch with his sister (14F).

This new guy (15M) started talking to me after meeting me through a mutual friend I  became friends with at a partial program. As you can probably notice from the pattern, I've been severely mentally ill for a long time. This new guy is crazy for me, sending me paragraphs every day, telling me how in love with me he is, and just absolutely pouring his heart out to me. Keep in mind, the situation I explained before happened from late April through early June of this year. I have absolutely not recovered whatsoever from this experience. I thought that maybe my brain was just taking a bit longer to allow me to really devote any love to this guy, but I realized that I just haven't moved on from my ex boyfriend. I've had to explain to this new guy once that i'm not ready for a relationship and that I want to slow things down a bit, but after a few days I decided to give him another chance. Its not going well, and he asked me tonight if I really had any feelings for him. 1, I have never actually met up with this guy irl. I cannot catch feelings over text. 2, I explained to him how I felt and he kept pushing and manipulating me into feeling bad for him, since he explains how he's "obsessed" with me, and the few times I didnt answer he felt like it was absolute torture. I did not feel like being the reason someones mental health declines to an extreme low, so I kept talking to him and "flirting" with him in hopes that he would think I was interested in him just to keep him happy. I was miserable. I could only look for my ex in him and I could not find him. This is where I'm a people pleaser, because now i'm miserable.

I know that's a lot, and believe me I know that I cannot pursue ANYTHING with this guy based on both ends of our feelings. But really, my situation is just embarrassing. How am I supposed to tell this guy that I've really gotten to know well that i'm still, for some reason, attached to someone who has done such horrible things? This new guy actually cares about me, but I just cant reciprocate those feelings to him. Its selfish, but I really miss what I had with my ex. He showed me more love than I ever received in my life, and I was so happy. I guess I cant explain my feelings entirely over text, but he was seriously my dream man before everything from the TLDR happened. Again, this was all within a few months.

I just dont know what to do. I've been contemplating texting my ex just to see what he might say, but I can tell that idea would not get me any positive attention. I also just dont know how to tell the new guy that I dont have feelings for him and that i'm still sort of trying to recover from my ex in whatever ways I can. Thank you for reading this, I really do appreciate it. This is entirely just me dumping my thoughts out with no real sense of direction. I know i'm young and have a lot ahead of me, but I'm struggling with my emotions a lot right now and don't exactly know how to fix it.