Hey, this is my first post on to here. I’m not really looking for anything really, just wanted to vent and see if anyone have felt this way. 

I was in a nasty trauma bond with my ex/fp for two years (on and off). throughout the relationship, he would lie to me excessively and sexually assaulted me. My current bf believes my ex has even rape me, but idk I don’t really want to label it as that. It took me a lot to admit that my ex would sexually abused me. Anyways I did a lot awful things to him too (like send him text messages where I would curse at him) due to not being able to forgive him for going back and forth between me and my ex-bsf and how much he would gaslight me. I never receive closure for all of that. And now we’re about to graduate and I feel so bad knowing that this is how it’s going to end. I am never going to see him again meaning I will never receive a apology from him or any words. He was my favorite person so to see how bad things turn out…it’s just heavy. Now mind you, I very much despise him, sometimes wish bad on him, I want nothing to do with him, he made my life miserable. But knowing after we graduate, I will have to accept everything he has done to me and how he was not the person I believe he was and how he won’t ever take accountability for what he has done. Makes me feel so numb, used and hurt. I’m glad my bf is so kind to me to help me learn about what a healthy relationship with sex is like, yet the paranoia from my ex torments me. I feel so unloveable, so angry at him and yet sad