I’m 20 years old now. I have a loving partner, a good job, 3 brothers, a loving father, and a wide range of family that I love dearly. I’m an aunt and I love my nieces/nephews. I also still live at my parents. 

That’s my life now. But in my head, I am sooo stuck in the past. My brother passed away when I was 17, and it made my whole outlook on life change for the worst. I feared death, and we frightened of losing more. Then, I lost my mother 2 months ago. She is my best friend. I can’t picture life without her. I’m not just grieving them. I’m missing my life back then as a whole. I will put a list of all the things that make me extremely depressed on a day to day basis: 
• School. I miss it. I miss skipping, being free, having friends. 
• friends. I miss going out and doing things, making new friends. 
• Younger self, before the world was the way it is now. I hate how Christmas doesn’t feel like Christmas, and I hate that home doesn’t feel like home. 
• some movies give me extreme nostalgic it makes me super sad. I’ll remember I watched it with a friend when I was 5 years old, or with my parents curled up in their bed. 

There is so much. It just doesn’t feel like regular nostalgic. I’m depressed about it all the time and cry about it. I do have love for my life now, minus I wish my mom and brother were here. But I miss the past more. A lot more.