hi, i’m opening up here cause i’m a little petrified of a situation that happened yesterday. (first you read, know that i have bpd)
i was going out with this girl before i kinda screwed all up and kicked her away bc i told her i loved her on our third date, obviously she didn’t said it back and i freaked. 

i became manic and obsessed, i was kinda living “every breath you take”, fr.
she kicked me out in every possible way you can imagine after all of the obsessive love and love bombings, which i don’t blame her, i think ppl have at least some idea about how borderlines can be.

after long weeks of me kinda harassing her to love me and stuff, we became friends and my insanity towards her decreased. she had forgiven me and tell me she was sorry, bc she also told me bad, bad things.

so we’ve been seeing each other almost 2 times a week, i never lived that. theres a certainly sexual tension but both of us don’t do nothing about it, bc although there is, she also seems to not want at all. she pushes me back and then bring me back almost like she actually has that another person inside of her.

the signs were so subtle, but they were there. she told me multiple times there were both of her inside her, but it was never clear to me.

yesterday we ate pot brownie, and dude. what a fucked up trip. first we started non-stop laughing, we were on the subway and we took like 30 fucking hours to get to my home. at the middle, she held my hand and protected me, told me nothing would ever happen to me and she would always, always be there. i was dying of fear bc we were so fucked up and i needed to get home bc i was almost passing out and the streets were so dark. the second we got home she started freaking out, having a extreme psychotic episode, started crying so bad and i was squeezing her and now it was my time to say i was there for her. i held her and she was so vulnerable, i told her i would call my parents so they could come help us, she freaked even more and yelled that she wanted to be alone for the first time, that they couldn’t control he anymore. she didn’t want me to leave, tho. 

ok, so that was happening and suddenly she kicked me out and asked why i was hugging her, and started saying things like “you asked for that” almost like she was manipulating the whole situation. i got so scared, i thought i was in a fucking movie where she drugged me and i was so vulnerable. i was so vulnerable, it was awful. i stepped back and started freaking out bc i didn’t understood a thing. she then got close to me and i closed my eyes bc i was so scared. i had a lot of lapses, i was dissociating in a fucked and fast way, then i opened my eyes bc she was calling me, again she told me everything was gonna be fine and she would always be there, while gently held my face. i then freaked about time bc i was freezed on it. i told her she had to go home bc was getting late and the subway would close, i had to go w/ her bc she didn’t have tickets and i would have to pay to her. but then she changed completely, her posture, her voice. she started saying i shouldn’t come w her and it seemed like she fucking manipulated me. she at least tried, idk if it was her or some alter, but she told me we went upstairs, but we didn’t. and i told her to stop so many times. she didn’t protected me this time, in fact, she made me petrified and she shy away. i was almost pissing myself of fear, and she kinda seemed to be enjoying all of that. i then started to pinch myself bc there was no way of going back home like that, i was shutting off. 

we got to the subway, she hugged me, and said goodbye laughing. i was so scared, i felt so alone, i wanted to throw myself in front of the car or cut my wrists. 

i got home and all i wanted was to cry, i just sent her a text asking me to tell when she got home and fell asleep. she called me 5am and told me she was at the hospital.

we talked about everything and i was feeling abused in my own mind, but then she said some things and everything clicked. she told me about everything she felt on a daily basis and that she didn’t wanted me to see them. but i did, im not scared, ok, i am a little, but i just wanna help and i seek for her. obviously she’s my fp and i would fucking die for her. what did yall think? she seems to have did? pls i need opinions i feel so alone towards that, kinda blind.