I’ve never been like this before. I’ve felt sadness but this is a whole new beast. I work in the mental health industry and so I feel like a useless fake because this depression is kicking my ass. Never in my life have I self-harmed until a few months ago when I felt so alone and hopeless. Last night I tried so hard to not self-harm and I didn’t but I accidentally got hurt anyways. I tried punching a pillow instead of myself. I tried ripping up paper, imagining all the awful things I feel about myself on it, and it didn’t make me feel better. I wrote everything down in my journal hoping to quiet the voice in my head that repeatedly berates me. Nothing worked. I don’t feel better.
I think I’m destroying my relationship with how depressed I’ve been and that just makes me more depressed. I have barely been able to take care of my kids. They are my only motivation to move. I enjoy nothing. I want to get better but have no energy/motivation to. I feel like it’s hopeless to even try. I know things because of my work, but implementing any of it seems too tiring and I feel pathetic because I’m supposed to be helping others through this not myself.