hi,

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**tw mentions triggering subjects such as manipulative behavior; suicide and the like**

Please skip the post if these subjects cause distress 

  i have been depressed since I was 14, I'm about 20 now.  I have been in adolescent therapy on- off but nothing seems to work - so transferred to adult therapy, which is more expensive. I feel like I might be predisposed to depression.

My mom had what I would consider a rather traumatic childhood, the only reason why she married my father was to get away from her abusers. However, she doesn't appear to have any mental health conditions which are odd, it seems like she wasn't really affected. Now she is good at solving problems, used to manipulate people and now she is much better but she just is able to attract and convince people about her various needs at the moment. 

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My dad well, he might have undiagnosed ADHD (this is coming from someone who has been professionally diagnosed with ADHD inattentive) aka me. Also uh i think he might have some trauma from living with his mom who is very toxic and manipulative etc she would threaten to take her life, or pit the siblings (her children) against one another through comparison or by leaving breadcrumbs etc.  He's emotionally unavailable except well sometimes the switch flicks and he gets angry and ye.

Also, both my paternal grandfather as well as paternal great grandmother have taken their lives. 

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So ye, I guess someone in my generation is bound to have inherited some traits.

I am thankful it's me who has the depression and not my younger sister. It is crippling and has sucked the life out of me. I used to be that cheerful, happy-go-lucky kind kid but that person is long gone. I don't know who I am anymore. I struggle with moments where my depression is severe and when it goes and is replaced by emptiness or extreme joy.

not self-diagnosing here.

ya know, I can't fault, my parents, for anything that has happened in my childhood ( if i remember at all) because they had such rough childhoods themselves and in comparison mine probably seems like paradise. Idk I just remember tons of crying spells.

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I first thought of suicide at 12, I am still suicidal. I am unable to keep friendships for a period longer than 3 years maximum.

I am not sure why I am putting this up.

I just got out of a relationship with someone i loved dearly, despite the fact that it was uhm not a healthy relationship to say the least.

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I need to stop being a ball of negativity, which is why I have long ago decided as much as possible to stop showing these feelings and isolate and not tell anyone about them except my therapist.

But a while back, a friend I made in uni kinda found out, so i am really uncomfortably aware.

Did i mention I'm messing up the semester, by missing classes, and falling behind on assignments?

I tried so hard to keep up with my readings.

I hate missing important deadlines and events.

I hate feeling tired.

most of all i hate myself.

I just want everything to stop.

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im so tired.