i’ve been in and out of the hospital. every time he leaves my house i have another episode and just immediately need to be in hospitalization so i don’t kms. 

i can’t do this. i pulled manipulation last night to make him stay with me and im using sex as a weapon and i feel so shitty about how i’m acting but it literally feels like my entire world is fucking collapsing underneath me because my dad abandoned me last month, i lost my job and my friends and now him and now i can’t pay my bills and i’m so fucking depressed i can’t even eat or sleep or get out of bed. 

im so fucked up over this and yesterday his friend told me he’s been talking to a girl at his work and i can’t control myself i want her FUCKING DEAD. i went back to the hospital and sat in the white room screaming about her and how i want her dead and i had to talk my way out of a grippy sock vacation but i am hurting so fucking bad. 

then i got really toxic and i started having sex with him and i went down on him and made him call me his girlfriend and promise to never speak to her again and i had him in a vulnerable state (with his dick in my mouth obviously isn’t a good time to tell me no) and now i just feel sick about it today like it’s so fucked up i can’t even believe in admitting this on the internet. he probably thinks i’m bat shit crazy and he’s probably not wrong but fuck am i ever in pain over this. breakup

anyways just wanted to rant about that