I feel like I am two persons in the same body. One of them is a curious, creative and intelligent young man, who is full of plans and knows what he should do with his life. The other one is a very anxious, neurotic, pessimistic, feminine person who is risk-avoidant and cannot get what he wants. 

My mother had great influence on me when I was a kid. She put an unhealthy amount of stress and responsibility on me at a young age, she made me identify with her too much and I underwent parentification and it was then when I felt like I lost contact with my peers. It's like her personality penetrated mine and transformed me and I haven't been able to be a reckless and rebellious teen or get a truly masculine identity where I tease girls, stand up for myself against other boys etc. I turned into an anxious and irritable recluse, very frustrated over his inability to freely choose his identity and be irresponsible and free. 

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I do have my masculine traits as I love to explore, to invent and I want to be in control whenever I can - but in reality as BPD overwhelms me more and more I find myself opening up to girls all the time, wearing masks in the presence of males, retreating into solitude when there's a group event. The worse I feel the more cheerful I pretend to be. It's impossible to see what's going on inside me, I can tell you. As I unravel my life I realize that my cheerful and proactive attitude might have always been a mask. In reality I always end up alone, no gf and my life is not lived according to my ideals.  


I have an inner image of myself, what I should be like, what I could be if my family hadn't ruined me - a character much like Tom Sawyer, the brave and reckless adventurer boy whom everyone loves or hates but is certainly a character. Admired by girls, envied by boys and always ahead of the curve. That's what I always wanted to be. That's what I was always trying to be.   


Now as I'm getting older (turning 30 soon) I'm finding myself farther and farther from that image. I'm becoming more anxious, more feminine - desperate, looking for people to guide me, etc., which blocks my masculine traits. I have talked to countless advisors and therapists, mostly female. It's weird, but it sometime feels like I'm turning into a woman inside, or a gay person. My work hypothesis being that anxiety and neuroticism are essentially feminine traits which leads to conflict avoidance, identifying with people instead of confronting or rivalling with them, handing over control and being attracted to stronger individuals instead of challenging their authority. I have become too empathetic and too susceptible to what others think of me, it's making me helpless. I always wanted to be more masculine, but I was mostly discouraged. I was frequently shamed in a critical age.  


And I can tell that I'm not attractive to females like this. They value security and confidence over anxiety and helplessness. Whenever I get close to a girl I panic within, because I'm feeling that I should be able to give her something that I cannot. That I am not masculine enough. I wouldn't be able to protect her. I wouldn't want her to see this side of me, the one who's typing all this. I'm afraid that my confident, competent self is a lie, or at least not stable enough to prevail over my anxiety. I'm scared that I will never have a relationship I wanted for myself.  
(While I'm typing this part of me is telling me it's absolutely moronic and unmasculine to cry like this. While I do have these doubts I should never voice them and just pretend to be strong until I finally am.)

Am I really losing my manhood? Am I losing myself?