I made the worst mistake in my whole fucking life. I got it into my fucking head that my boyfriend hated me, broke up with him, realised my mistake, begged for him back and the he told me he didn't want to be with me. We were together for almost four years, a few days from now would have been our fourth anniversary. I think I might actually fucking die from greif. I can't fucking take it. I'm stuck in a circle of drinking and self harming as well as binge eating.  I keep begging for him back. He keeps saying no. I'm currently pretty fucking drunk. I can't do this. We go to the same college. I can't live without him. My brain keeps telling me to do some manipulative shit like sending him picture of self harm or getting hospitalised, even though I know that will just make it worse. I can't.