The only thing that keeps me alive is thinking about that moment during my last attempt. I thought  I was going to die and just like every time before I started thinking about the most absurd things - I never got to wear that cute purse. It's a shame that I just got my hair done. And suddenly I don't want to die anymore and the regret makes my chest ache and I am a monster for doing this to my mother and the guilt makes me sick. I can never feel that feeling again. But I also can't keep living like this and I'm too tired and weak and incapable of changing my life for the better. And that's the cruelest thing ever.