I feel like I'm wearing a mask. That has seared itself onto my skin. While I know it isn't a part of me, it has seeped into me. The sad part is that it's  like an albatross hung around my neck.   


I don't know who I am, I have an ideation of what I am supposed to be and I strive to be that most times. 
So I end up working extra hard to be appreciated. And I'm great at my work. I'm never not good at my work. But if I am emotionally slighted, all hell breaks loose under the surface of all the smiles and professionalism. 


My personal life is a train wreck. I just got out of a long term relationship with someone who hurt me emotionally and physically. The reason I stayed was because I thought I deserved it. 
Towards the end, I got back by cheating and I had zero remorse. I didn't feel any sort of guilt and I never intended on telling him. I would have probably never been sorry about it unless I was caught. 

I impulsively had sex with my resident who I have now started to fall for. But I'm unsure of his feelings for me.  So it drives me insane that I can't control him. I binge drink 4 times a week to numb out the pain and I'm addicted to benzos. 
I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I know I should feel something but I feel nothing. 
The fucked up part is that I know what I have to do but I don't want to. 