A long post, but I was feeling at my wit’s end and questioning if there is something I am doing wrong, so came here. 

I am 33 y/o and my dad who is 68, is bipolar. He was diagnosed only a few years ago, and refuses to take any meds. However I can remember him going through manic depressive and aggressive cycles since when I was a kid, and now on closer look, most of the folks on his side of the family have similar if not so severe patterns or peculiarities. Besides his BP, he has a history of domestic violence, and coming from India, my mom lived with it and never left him. Now that he is old and struggling with many small and big illnesses, he is really not left with that much strength in him to be a threat to her, but otherwise, through all our young adult lives, we have lived in constant terror of him and his mood swings.

For all my younger years, I hated living with him. He was manipulative, really hard on me and my sister, and pulled us into his mad schemes all the time. For instance, once for a period of 3 years, he started buying junk from a scrap collector, imagining that there was a big business potential in reselling, and I remember our rooms were filled with old decaying newspapers for days.

I moved away from home at the very first chance when I turned 18 and now play a caregiver role but only from a distance (I live abroad) for last 10 years. Lately given his series of health issues, I decided to come visit so that I can help my mom with caregiving. He needs a series of procedures, most small (eg hernia, teeth implant), but now he would not agree to leave the house. I have tried all kinds of tricks and rational conversations, but he would not budge. On top of that, being here is starting to trigger me, and remind me how difficult it is to live with him. I catch him spying, stealing, and lying all the time. And while I have been holding myself back from bringing those up, in the hope that I can get him to come to the hospital with me to see a doctor, I am starting to catch myself strongly hating him. I even caught myself considering how happy I would be if my mom remarried.

I know I don’t owe him beyond what he willingly agrees to, I am feeling extremely angry, for doing this to himself and my mom, and the family. I would also welcome any ideas on how I can manage him better and take care of him, without triggering myself.