
To make a long story short, back in August I had a manic episode and the receiving end of it was my then roommate / best friend.

She forgave me even though I appreciated it and was glad, I still wondered why she didn’t give it space to see how she could move past it and things of that nature. From august to the end of February things were so awkward, she really made me feel the angry and of course it made my fear of abandonment sky rocket. From March to end of April things felt like they were great again, but then she put a weird seed in my head. She asked how I thought things were going and I said great! Her reply was mm yea I think it’s going fine. The insecurity kicked in again. She definitely dived deep into hanging with other friends and praising them a lottt, which was very out of character. I know that’s not My bpd, my bpd can’t cause and make up everything. Anyway she gave me a really weird vibe all day and never reached out to confirm out plans. I messaged her to ask if she was awake and when I thought about it, I was like it’s whatever, if she wants to say something she will, so I messaged again and said it’s fine, I shouldn’t be pressing anyone. 

The next morning she woke me up out of my sleep and within 3 minutes she told me to get the fuck out and the real feelings she had poured out. She was screaming at the top of her lungs 
•You’re an ungrateful bitch 
You love discourse in your life
I never do anything wrong, I am perfect I don’t think it I know 
You’re a piece of shit
You were never a good friend 
Go sleep on the street bitch I don’t give a fuck •

And when I mean screaming I mean screaming. In my face, cussing me out non stop. Following me to make sure I was packing. Standing by the door to make sure I left. Despite my episodes, Ive never cussed at her, screamed in her face like that. To the point it became physical.

When her sister broke it up and finally got her outside she screamed and made a scene until I left about an hour later. After the physical part I was quiet, shut down I suppose. Didn’t cry much and still haven’t.  Not the way I thought I’d be. Maybe it’s the meds. 

I am telling myself I am not responsible for her actions and I can’t cry about someone who felt that way about me. But it’s hard. Painful. I don’t have real friends in nyc so it’s been extra rough and lonely. Even my brother in California reached out to check on her. Like what the fuck? Are these the feelings everyone has about me? 

Idk. Her words keep replaying. I keep wondering why she acted like the hulk if I’m the crazy one who’s bipolar and incapable of being normal. I wonder why she stayed my friend if I’m all those things. If she resented me the entire time. 

I am hurt. I am alone. I already felt like a piece of shit, now it’s a feeling idk I’ll ever escape from. 

Thanks for reading if you have.