Half past midnight and I'm here struggling over what will be my future.

20 years since ive had a single friend. Divorced. My family is slowly getting smaller and im realising at some point in the future I am going to be totally alone.

Online support/platitudes dont do anything for me. On the surface I appreciate the well meaning intention but I see it for what it is, people trying to make themselves feel better after becoming uncomfortable reading our depressing experiences.

I work a job where I barely make enough that I pay any tax. I dont know how I will survive once I'm on my own. I thought about ordering out as a treat but I could not justify spending £14.07 on myself. How sad is that? I think about people who will make in one year what I will make in a lifetime and the worries they will never have to experience.

My father died 10 months ago, and once my mother and brother go that will be it. It will be me in a house, no friends or relatives, staring at the wall when not at work. And that brings me such a deep sadness right now.

I dont have anything to offer a friend, let alone a possible partner. I dont want to inflict myself on people. Not that it would matter if I tried again, every time I look to make new friends, I never hear from people again the moment I stop initiating contact.

I took a big step and contacted my doctor about my mental health. First time I had said the words and asked for help. I was told I did not need their services and given some websites I had already looked at. Basically I was told to go touch grass and talk to friends.

As you can see, its mostly disjointed rambling tonight. I guess I just needed to vent. What a shitshow.