**CW:** Suicide, Depression, Abuse 

**CAVEAT:** I should start my saying my current psychiatric diagnosis is listed as suspected personality disorder, but I fit more symptoms of BPD than anything else (intense emotions and disproportionate emotional responses to negative situations, deep fear of abandonment, unstable sense of self and relationships, etc.). So although the diagnosis is not official, both my therapist and psychiatrist are essentially treating me as though I have it.  I visit a lot of Reddit pages related to social and mental health support, and I have contemplated making a post for years now.  I don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn, and I am seeking some input or support from those who may have struggled with a similar thing.

**Here's the deal:** Over the past few months, I have been grappling with the fact I don't know how much longer I can live with myself.  I don't mean that in terms of guilt, although I do experience guilt from past mistakes.  I mean it in the sense of putting up with myself every day.  The intense emotions, the waves of anxiety and rumination every time a friend or a romantic partner interacts with me in a way that isn't completely unambiguous, the constant need for reassurance, the intense depersonalization/derealization and identity disturbance have started to feel like too much to bear.  I am aware enough of my issues at this point to control my behavior in the majority of situations and understand I am not being rational when I am in these states (like when somebody doesn't reply to me for an unusually long period of time). However, it has just become so exhausting at this point. No matter how well I have taken care of my physical health, worked on my relationship skills, accomplished things to build my self-esteem and so on, it hasn't made it any easier. I feel worn down beyond the point of being able to put any effort in.  My self-generated crises and depressive episodes have only become more frequent with time, and everything constantly feels like it is falling apart.  I have to go so far as to be careful with how I discuss my issues with friends and family so I don't speak in a way that reinforces my own neuroticism. I also struggle with a lot of shame...

Back in 2016, my mental health was so bad I chose to drop out of college and go back to my hometown.  There were no resources available for me there, so I ended up going off the deep end and it took me almost 3 years to return to some level of relative functionality.  A couple years back I decided to transfer somewhere to finish a bachelors. I am 25 and on the cusp of graduation, but somehow I don't feel proud I made it this far in spite of everything.  In spite of overcoming severe abuse in a romantic relationship and friendship at a young age, countless family losses, being groomed by my mentor my freshman year of college, and recovering from a nervous breakdown and severe manic episode which almost ruined my life and left me with almost $100,00 in debt, I don't feel proud having come this far. I only feel shame. I only feel the weight of what my life could have been if I had gotten the help I needed sooner. I feel shame that I am 25 and most of my friends are 4+ years younger than me because I have spent so much time at university. I feel shame over so many things, and I feel enraged at this sense I was robbed of so much of my childhood and am now expected to pick up the pieces and just figure it out.  I know there is no other way forward than to do just that, but I don't know if I have the strength to keep moving forward. I keep spiraling, I keep ruminating, my depression treatments haven't been working despite adjustments, and I somehow find myself feeling more afraid, ashamed and alone  in a situation where I am more financially and socially stable than I have been in years. The emotions don't stop, and I know that's part of my mental illness.  However, I can't imagine having to deal with these sorts of emotional swings for much longer.  My friends tell me my life is only beginning, and I should be excited for my present situation and what's in store for me, but I can't imagine dealing with symptoms this intense for another 5 years even.  I know there will come a period of time where I feel a little bit better than I do now, but the fact that feeling will not last prevents me from enjoying what little period I have for relief. Every time things get bad, it takes a little bit more will and life out of me.  I have lost years to this nonsense, no matter how hard I have tried I keep running circles around myself.  There is a sense that something is fundamentally wrong and wrong with me, and I will never be able to fix it, so the prospect of just dealing with it indefinitely with no guarantee of it getting better is too overwhelming a notion. I don't even feel like a person most days. I feel like I could randomly vanish into thin air, I am afraid somebody I have been building a romantic relationship with is going to vanish over the smallest things, and I secretly fear all of my friends are waiting for any excuse to cut me out of their lives. I am even fearful of disappointing my therapist.  I am the only person in my immediate family who has any sort of mental illness or issues related to instability, so I can't even get them to understand what I am going through. As a result, I have been contemplating suicide lately, or at least engaging in enough self-destructive habits over the next year to get myself to that point so it makes it easier. I have wasted too much time to get better.  I truly don't want to think this way, but I am so lost.

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If you made it this far in, thank you for reading. If you have struggled with any of these sorts of feelings and they got better, what made it better for you?