As I child, I've been raped through several years by my older brother, I've been bullied at school (I ended with physical and psychical health issues) and thanks to that I've been diagnosed with depressions, social anxiety and PTSD as a teen. In my 21 years I've been diagnosed with BPD. And there's the problem.. my family don't want to admit I literally have personal disorder and my behavior isn't "planned" for being rude for purpose.

First thing first, I love my family, I appreciate what they did and do for me, but it really hurts when they making me feel not valid. My mother helped me with lot of things, but she never listened to me when I told her about the sexual assaults, she never believed me when I confessed to her about self harm (she just literally told me if she didn't ignored me "Are you normal? Here's band aid and next time don't cut so deep, I'm not willing run with you into hospital because of your attention seeking"). Most of times everything she did she turned into her being victim, a.k.a. "Oh so I'm bad mother?"

My brother is terminally ill and he is her sweetie, he is poor thing.. he is the one who suffer the most because his illness can be see on his body, but mine? Mine not (except of scars).

My mother blamed me and still does for my behavior that I cannot control (almost every time I don't even know I'm acting "not well behaved" until I see the consequences). She is blaming me for spending time with my FP and she's is trying to cut me off of my FP even I'm adult, but for my mother until I'll under her roof, I must listen to her. I lost 3 jobs past 4 months because of BPD and she? She blamed me for not being able to stay in one job... And last month my dad joined to her as well... I'm trying really hard, even my psychiatrist and therapist said that they can see I'm want to work on myself and I do... But the way how my family is still hitting me with those things, that they saying "Others have it worse, stop lying", they really made me to stop trying. 

Also even the more painful thing, my mother and her mother (my grandma) don't like each other because my grandma is the most twisted insidious person I ever met. I always hoped I won't turn into her. It was my nightmare , but my parents started saying I'm literally like her. And that they comparing me to her is hurting me.

Today I went out with my FP which is my GF as well as we are engaged, but our families doesn't know it because they're homophobic as fuck. They just know we are best friends... I asked at home if it's okay, if they need any help with the house or anything and they said there's nothing do to now and I can go.. so I went and when I came home, my mother told me she "wants to speak with me". During the argument she told me to leave..

I know she is narcissistic person with victim complex, but she really made me believe that everything it's my fault. I want to leave, and I'll. I just need more money so me and my GF can leave together. We planing it for longer than just few months, but I'm not sure how I should feel about this... My family making me feel not valid, they saying I'm too much for them, hurting them and I should leave as soon as possible, but there's still good things they made... I feel bad when I want to leave and cut all the contacts with them. Should I? Or should I admit they changed, making me stop trying?