I’ve been really sensitive lately...

I know this sounds dumb, but it bothers me that I have very few followers on Instagram and Twitter. Which is fine, whatever. I’m not posting anything remotely personal or emotional, by the way... I’d say that my Instagram posts are extremely boring tbh. I feel like my identity issues cause me to lack a lot of conviction in how I express myself. I definitely lack confidence regardless... I don’t know how to fix my self esteem. Even typing this post I feel like such an idiot. I know I have really weird written grammar and I don’t know what I’m saying half the time. 

What hurts is I’m noticing people I’ve conversed with through the app, and even people I know IRL, are unfollowing me... It seems so rude and uncool that all I can assume is that my online presence must just be offensively bad. It makes me feel like garbage. I literally just post, like, the occasional pic of some flowers, or something. I guess people hate that, hate me???

A friend who I hadn’t heard from in 6 weeks hit me up because he was going through a break up. I talked him through it and now it’s been a couple weeks that he’s gone again. I always wonder if it’s my fault that I’m not reaching back out. But at the same time, why isn’t he?

But I feel totally tripped up and confused. I’m having thoughts that aren’t even true, such as “my friends never text me first”. But they...do. And I’m not even responding some of the time. And I’m taking what I get for granted. 

I don’t know how I feel, or what to feel. It’s hard because I feel like these are justified frustrations I have, but at the same time I feel like I must be overlooking some kind of personality defect. I feel horrible and embarrassed to be alive.