For a long time I struggled with depression and anxiety. After many years I got therapy, got meds and after a couple of years it seemed better. I was doing great, everything was stable. Even after I quit the meds I was fine.

But yesterday feels like a climax to a buildup of stress and fear. I have been stressed at work for months, felt my social anxiety creep back in. I worked on coping, on relaxing but I couldn’t (one sign of my depression coming back is the inability to actively relax: I only run around doing chores or am in a zombie like state, but I never do anything I enjoy. It’s like I don’t have the physical ability). 
So a couple of weeks ago I took my dog, drove to my parents and stayed there for a couple of weeks to work from there and relax. It did me some good but the anxiety is back, that’s one thing I realized. Yesterday as my so picked me up and drove me back to my city, I cried the whole way, I was so stressed. Then as we went to sleep I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up if I went to sleep. My hands were tingling, I was nauseous and I panicked. I feared I was going to have a heart attack, but I also knew that this is what my panic attacks used to look like. After thirty minutes I threw up and immediately felt my stomach relax, after which I was able to go to sleep. Nevertheless this meant a short night and today I have to present in front of our entire department and I’m shitting my pants. When my anxiety is bad and I’m tired I’m afraid that when I talk I don’t make sense. I’m afraid that things that feel logical to me, are utter nonsense to others. I’m afraid I’m slowly going crazy and everyone’s seeing it.
I know it’s bullshit but it’s so painful. I thought I got through this, I did everything to prevent it and yet here we are again. I will fight, again, but in the meantime I just wish I personally knew people who would just say: I get it, man, it’s really fucking hard, let me hug you. 
My so is so solution based. “Go for a run, just relax, you have to eat healthy and work out, it’s all good”. It’s not their fault, they just have a healthy mind whereas I don’t. But it makes so much difference when a hug is given between people who truly understand each others feelings.