Im just so massively burned out and I have no idea what to do. I thought I was fine, and doing well in grad school and looking forward to my week and going on a field trip for undergrad students. I didn’t fall asleep until 6am the day I was supposed to go and woke up two hours later and had an absolute meltdown and told my lab instructor I couldn’t come since I woke up with some covid symptoms (which turned out to be false when I tested).

Since then, I’ve cancelled everything I had planned to do this week. I’ve barely left my room and I’m going between sleeping for at least 10 hours and having zero energy to get out of bed in the morning to just not sleeping at. I’m constantly getting upset and crying for literally no reason. And I hate it that I sometimes I feel good and get up and do things (which is mainly just playing video games, but hey, it’s something at least) and then out of nowhere this horrible wave of depression just hits me and I’ll just be curled up in my bed again just crying and feeling utterly lost and hopeless.

I caved and rung the doctor today to get something to help me sleep and she prescribed me Temazepan which I ended up just taking everything she prescribed (50mg total) and I’ve just been dosing up with gabapentin that I don’t even know how much I’ve taken now. 

I’m seeing my usual doctor tomorrow and I just don’t even know what to say. I made an appointment with the mental health unit through my doctor but I have to wait til Tuesday to see them.

I just honestly feel so exhausted and hopeless and I’ve completely lost my appetite and I swear I’ve lost weight over the last week without intending to. I just don’t want to do anything and I’d rather just sleep all day and forget the world and I can’t even fucking do that. It’s just so abnormal for me to get stuck in a rut like this but at the same time I’ve been feeling like it’s coming for a long time. And it just frustrates me that most people have been super chill and respectful that I need some space but my advisor just keeps pushing me even though I’ve told her I need some space away from everything.

Sorry for the long post. I’m just honestly have no idea what to do…