I had BPD suggested as a diagnosis by a doctor the last time I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt, but my psychiatrist and therapist have refuted that. I think it's because I don't have many of the "classical" signs. For example, I've only dated two people, one ex and my current partner, and I actually struggle to trust or form attatchments to others.

But with my ex, everything seemed to change. He was someone I knew for half my life, and because of that I trusted him enough to be in a relationship with him. I have a strong fear of men and physical intimacy, and he admittedly pushed me further than I was ready for, but I really wanted to be good enough for him, something I'd never felt before. He also promised if I did, he would keep me safe and never leave me alone. So I did.

But he lost interest in me in a few months. He would break up and get back and break up several times, each time I felt crazier than ever. I tried to rationalize it by saying he was a narcissist, but that didn't explain why I kept trying to kill myself and wasn't improving even with medication and therapy. My physical health has been deteriorating, and I have had to cut my hours. I literally can't function without him.

But I never felt like this with anyone else. I'm someone that can go months without talking to anyone, and I don't feel any clinginess with my current partner, I feel kind of distant. And I feel ashamed and  devastated that I can't just be happy.