I don't think I consider myself "depressed" at the moment. I've started seeking professional help, I managed to stop self harming and don't feel urges to relapse anymore, I'm able to eat normally again, I'm no longer suicidal, my sleep is better than it used to be, I'm getting my grades up again, I'm getting back into my main hobbie and passion (guitar), i don't feel guilty anymore, i don't hate myself anymore, granted I don't particularly like myself but I don't hate myself anymore, I'm actually fairly confident now. But I'm not happy.

Life still has no substance to me. I have no direction or purpose. Everything is so bland. I'm not happy with my life. I'm not content with myself. I don't want to feel this way. I feel numb, not emotionally numb, but numb in the sense that I just don't care anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so fucking hard. I'm just so lost. There has to be more to life than this. This can't just be it. God I don't know what to do. Everything feels off. I have this sick feeling in my stomach that something very bad is about to happen. Just this sense of impending doom. Tbh thinking back this feeling isn't new to me, I remember having it since I was a toddler actually, although back then I didn't know what it was I just knew that it kept me up at night. I don't know man. I don't know where to go from here. The future is so uncertain for me right now and it's scaring the shit out of me. I don't know man.