When I was very young, probably 4 or 5, a lot of the pictures of me look apathetic...like I’m unbothered by the things around me and nothing really affected me on an emotional level. When I was about 8, I started to develop really bad anxiety and would have emotional fits all the time. And, of course, in my teenage years I was reckless and an emotional nightmare, but I often had some interesting occurrences that I look back on now and wonder if I was exhibiting borderline behaviors or something else. It’s like I was constantly in emotional distress, but I lacked the capacity to feel emotions and empathy towards others. Often times my friends would call me a narcissist, and I didn’t understand why, but I only really cared about people loving me and I did not have the capacity to feel love towards others. This may sound morbid, but when my dog passed away and some students in my high school passed away, I didn’t feel 
anything. Everyone around me was upset except me. When I tried to fake it, people accused me of faking it, which they weren’t wrong. I just have this lack of care and utter disregard for people sometimes. I was extremely manipulative and controlling (even sometimes now). However, I have gotten a lot better, and I strive to be the best person I can be to people because I like creating connections with people, although I have a difficult time creating genuine, authentic connections with others. It’s like I wear a mask, and I’m afraid people will see my true colors and runaway. My parents, in high school, were afraid to leave me with the dogs because they knew I didn’t care enough to take them outside. I actually had a boyfriend tell me one time that they felt like I would kill them in their sleep, but I would never harm anyone in that way. Now that I’m older and have gone to therapy, I feel empathy now to the point where I have extreme anxiety. I worry about my dogs and my family and the people around me, but I still don’t feel I have the capacity to feel love. I was just wondering if anyone else feels this way or has felt this way, and if they can share their insight.