 \[Cw: (light) mention of suicide / drugs\] 

I just gotta get this out and I feel like this is a right place for it. 

I really feel like she was that special one and there's just this feeling inside me that her and I were meant to be. I can see what let her to leave (even after 6 years of what felt like a perfect relationship) and I'm so sure she didn't really want the things to happen that have happened. I can see how conflicted she is and she basically told me to my face that she misses me. But the situation is so complicated. I wish she could see the circumstances around her that all the people that love her can see. I would take her back in a heartbeat but that decision has never been up to me. I don't know if she actually still loves me or whether she still even cares...

Having to see how BPD breaks apart the person you love is just a mentally destroying thing. I know I can't save her from BPD. But I know that I know how to care for her. I know what she needs to get better and I know I would have been the right support for her. 

I should be over it by now but it's still hard to imagine a life without her. 

I wish she knew how much I love her. She really means a lot to me.

The things that I miss the most are the little things... 

Sitting by each others side. Sleeping in to the same youtube videos every night. Ordering our favourite fast food where she always takes the same order. Going out to our favourite chinese restaurant. Watching football on saturdays. Watching her draw artsy stuff by my side...

I'm sure she's mentally not that well atm. She says she is fine and that she feels great but there are so many things calling out that her mental state is in a state of emergency...

I know for a fact that she's been manipulated into the circumsstances she's in by the person she's with... I told her about it but she either didn't believe me or already forgot about what I said... She said no one except that person would actually care for her, which was an exceptionally hurtful claim especially after that person talks her into things like thinking that taking ecstasy is an okay thing, "spending time" with weird and wrong people and others. 

I wish she knew about the precautions I took and the things I took care of for her in the background... I wish she knew how many people can see how much of an influence that one person has and how bad she seems to be for her mental health without her noticing... I wish she knew her family didn't talk to her about the manipulation thing because they were afraid of her leaving everything but that person behind, as she already had retreated a lot at that point. 

She barely remembers anything new and I don't even know if she remembers anything I warned her of. Everytime we see each other it's like she finally starts to really feel things and open up again and all of a sudden the negative stuff takes over. Every meetup there's a point where she says that it'd be easier to just end it all... She seems so confused sometimes and oftentimes her actions and words don't really make sense. 

Everytime I talk to her it seems that she starts to realize that things are specially fucked atm but as soon as she returns home it's like we never met up... like we never talked about the things we talked about. So many traumatising things happened to her and she didn't even remember some of the hard stuff she verbally threw at me. I know she can be better again... But she definitely needs the right support...

It just feels like every day it's possible she could return to me but with every week she doesn't send me a message the more I feel like she doesn't care at all anymore. It's not that my head is all around her 24h a day but she sure as hell still takes up a lot of space in there.... I've gotten better since she left but that doesn't really mean that things feel right at all... I kinda just really wanna know if I'm out of her mind most of the time... It hurts seeing her online-activity which is why I had to retreat from the internet for a while. I'm slowly trying to pick things back up again but it's still painful. That lead to her apparently thinking I ghosted her and she got angry at me.. I never wanted to make her angry. I never wanted to hurt her... She wants us to still be friends because apparently I still mean a lot to her and she's afraid of losing me but I don't think I can go for anything less than love... It's been one of those "love on first sight"-things which I always doubted before I met her... I can't really tell her that I can't handle "just friends" because I'm sure she'll misunderstand it and think I don't want anything to do with her anymore which is not at all correct. 

I just wish we could talk it out but I barely get to see her more than 2 hours a month now and I don't want to be the one who keeps asking to meet again because It'll just feel like I'm running after her since she never really messages me. 

I really miss her. My family misses her. I miss being a part of her family.

Why is Life so stupidly complicated.