I have done so many messed up things, specifically to my ex boyfriend who triggered me constantly. I used to say awful things to him, even though I just wanted him to love me the most I would say the worst things I could possibly imagine. He forgave me every time. I damaged his property during fights, threw things at him, then would cry and he'd look after me. I'd threaten suicide and self harm and show him. Sometimes even in front of his friends. They all hated me and wanted him to cut me off. But he always understood, literally everything I would do he would forgive me and almost validate my behaviour despite the fact he was basically opening himself up to more hurt. I feel like I have literally abused this poor man, we are only in our early 20s I was his first girlfriend and first everything. He kept looking for reasons to take me back and try again and every time I would behave badly and push him away before pulling him back in. He refuses to speak to me now, which I fully understand I just wish I had the chance to apologise. He knows if he let me it would just be him giving me the opportunity to behave badly again because I apologised so so many times...