The other night I opened up and told my fp that he is my fp and essentially makes or breaks my whole day. I told him that I always crave and look forward to hearing from him and that I honestly can’t have a good day if he doesn’t message me, especially if he doesn’t send me a good morning text like he does every day. This morning I didn’t get a good morning message and he hasn’t talked to me all day. I’m upset and worried that he’s pushing me away after i divulged my feelings to him and at this point i’m so emotionally fragile that i really cant afford to be abandoned or experience anymore disappointment because i’m already wanting to kill myself on the daily so my stupid monkey brain is contemplating cutting him off right now while im so numb from the massive breakdown i had earlier so i can just cope with the loss some other time. 

i really hate the fact that i can’t ever be honest without feeling like it’s being used against me or thrown back in my face. for once id like to be listened to and actually have someone respect what i say. i feel like im overreacting and i probably am but i just wanna cut everyone off and run so far away where nobody knows me and how shitty of a person i am