Finally admitted to someone I wanted to kill myself and now they have to escalate because its a welfare issue. Which makes sense but part of me wishes I'd not said anything at all. I don't have any intention of killing myself but there's definitely strong passive suicidal ideation and there has been for the past 7-10 years. 

Now I've got to go speak to the site manager about it, whose gonna be of fuck all use because what can she magically do that I havent achieved in 7 years. I'm on a waiting list for therapy that could be up to a year long and I can't speed that up. I've tried four different antidepressants and they've all done fuck all. And I've got to go speak to her on my birthday no less. So happy fucking 21st to me!

Like I know they are only trying to help and I need to speak to someone. But fuck me I just wish I hadn't said anything. I'm not really sure what the meeting is gonna be about and my anxiety is through the roof and that's my weekend ruined. Not that it was going to be that great anyway but atleast I had no reason to feel anxious