 Hi,   
I am exhausted. I am scared. I have been writing on here to try and find another way to release. Yes, it's helping, but I kinda thought it would've felt more relieved. Possibly a rookie mistake and having too much hope for an easier way out of this dark place.  
Each day I try and put a label on why I am the way I am - BDP? Bipolar? Schizophrenia? As I've said I do know that I have depression but yet the feeling and thoughts I have, feel so powerful that I think ''surely it can't JUST be depression? '' (Side question/note, can it?) Maybe I keep trying to label myself further as a way to reassure myself. Honestly, I'm at the point where I want to ''break'' I NEED to ''break''. I need a break.  


Breaking. In a human what does that look like? How fucking far gone do you have to be until your body and/or brain physically stops you and tells you no? I am not talking about suicide here, I do want to try and get out of this (there's that dreaded feeling of hope that keeps disappointing me, but hey, we move on) but I am genuinely at the point where I want to crash so my mind can rest. As I said, I need to break / crash at this point in order to move on and become who I truly am.  


Holy shit, it's hard to get the words out tonight and I feel like what I am typing is doing no justice to what I am feeling. 

I want to skin myself alive, I want to take my brain out and violently shake it and blow the dust off. I want to fill my body with brand new blood and take my first breath of air again and feel life enter my body. 

The headaches I've had over the past few days have been fabulous. Fabulous in the way that they are some of the harshest I've known. I am talking about wanting to break, but I am starting to think and realising that I am. Unfortunately, as humans, we do not have reset buttons and I think that's what I was hoping for? Just at one point the hurt and pain gets so bad that your body rejects it, like a splinter.  
We only get one brain and that fucking sucks to be honest. We have therapy as our reset I guess. It just doesn't seem good enough or fair. We all torture ourselves with our fucking thoughts and take in so much shit on a daily basis (thanks social media) and in order to evacuate all the shit we and others put into us, we have another human to turn to. Yes, we are empathic beings (or well therapists should be at least) but I just wish that there was something more other than pills and self help books and therapists in this world to help us.

I think I am at that point of breaking. The one I mentioned at the start. When I think (which I am fucking good at, which is the whole problem with me.. ''isn't that ironic? don't you think?'') of all the factors of being a human; no reset button, constant overthinking with no exhaust pipe to get rid of the toxins it creates, I think I am in the middle of a mental breakdown. It scares me. I am not of those people now. I gotta live with it.   
I would like to stress that I am not saying this lightly at all, knowing you are not ok and then realising that your mind is temporarily (hopefully) broken for real, its terrifying.   
Realising that you are not the person you want to be right now nor can you be is possibly one of the scariest self awakenings you can have.  
I do not know when, how I will get out of this, I can only believe those around me who have been through this (thanks to the community here) that it does get better and all I got to say is that you guys better no be fucking lying ha-ha cause this shit is devastating right now. Hope no one took that to heart, it was meant to make you smile a wee bit. I'm trying to make myself smile at this point too. It's all part of healing I guess, trying to smile at smaller occasions through the pain.  


I'll keep it shorter today as my brain is fried but I had to put some of these thoughts and feelings down into words I can read back.

  
If someone finds the reset button by the way, please let me know.  
Until maybe next time, please keep going, I don't want to lose you completely yet.  
From the very, very mentally and emotionally tired you.