I have this compulsion to scroll through social media and any other link I can find to the people who I used to be friends with; I'm desperate to know what they are doing, if they are miserable, if they've mentioned me at all. I don't know why or how I would react if I saw that there was a conversation about me (I've never seen it yet because once people fuck off they don't care enough to bother discussing me).

I'm trying my best to stay away from all social media beyond a few daft games but today my curiosity got the better of me and I checked out the profile of someone who recently fucked off. I couldn't see much but even just seeing the things she has typed after her having had me blocked for so long (I looked at hers via a different profile) hit me like a tonne of bricks. It wasn't even anything of substance, just seeing her photos and joking with friends, knowing she is out there, living her life happily and spending a tonne of time with the group I used to be a part of has crushed me all over again.

Why did I bring this on myself? I feel like I deserve this torture and I just hate myself more for bringing it on myself but, like I said, don't feel I deserve anything less. After all, if I wasn't "melodramatic" and "intense" and "needy" so much of the time, she wouldn't have felt like she was "walking on eggshells" around me and fucked off.

So, this one stupid act of internet stalking has flung me right back into this spiral which will inevitably lead me to drinking and hiding alcohol from my SO again. I guess I shouldn't have expected any less than to end up back here again after believing myself clear of it just a few weeks ago. 

The worst thing is that as much as I hate her for making me believe she loved me and wanting me to open up then deciding abandoning me was more desirable, I still miss her so fucking much and still have to fight the temptation to message because I am so desperate to have friends and to just not be alone. I hate her but I didn't want her to leave me. Everybody leaves.