I haven't posted in here for a while. A few years maybe. But I feel I have nowhere to turn.

So far this year I've lost my aunt, my grandad and soon my nan.
I've had fallout with friends and family.
No talking therapy has worked.
I feel I've pushed the 1 person who cares and loves me away and it hurts like hell.

I've mentally relapsed much more than I ever have before.
It bounces from suicide to just wanting to disappear. I feel I need to prove to myself that people will miss me. I'm having nightmares about my best friend who I've pushed away. I feel I've lost my lifeline in her and can't control my emotions and feelings.

I've been on medication for so long now. I was on max dose of citalipram and now I'm on max dose of sertraline.

I know this is alot of points. I'm just really struggling with my thoughts right now. Needed to write it down.