cw : sex

my partner and i have been together almost two years. we have put eachother through a lot of bullshit that i never thought we’d surpass. both cheating, lying, smoking too much weed. i ended up cutting him off and blocking him on everything when i found him commenting on a girls photo. we got back together four months later, the start was rocky but i’ve finally found he’s turned from my “fp” to someone i truly trust and feel stable with. 

so this is what happened. we have really been going through some tough times respectively, with family and work and whatnot, i’ve found we’ve both grown and matured immensely from where we were even a few months ago, i feel like we’ve made a deeper connection but i never felt too sure how he felt. sure he loves me, but is it with the same vehemence i have for him? i recently started meds, i was at his house and we were having the best sex we’ve ever had (though it feels like that every time lmao) and something hit me spiritually. i felt him there with me. for the first time in my life i knew someone was there and i felt their love. i knew there was another mind swimming with thoughts across from me and it was there with me. we stopped right there and sat in each-others arms and i cried because for the first time i felt like i wasn’t just watching someone’s life roll out from above. it was the most raw and surreal feeling i’ve ever had. i knew i was alive in that moment. i sat back and the way he looked at me was something i’d been wanting since i met him, he looked so in love and i believed it. it’s completely ingrained in my mind. i know i can trust this man. i know i will grow with him and i know we are one of the same. after being treated horribly and treating others horribly i now have what i’ve been needing all these years, and i am ready to do anything i can to make this work. i needed that break, and he did too, i want to be a better person for him and for myself and us. he inspires me without even trying. i am so grateful to have someone who is so driven to help me with this illness and finds constructive ways for me to cope and pushes me to be the best version of myself. we’ve come a long way. i never thought after what we did to each-other that we would come back so strongly. i feel everything shifting into place. 

i have been feeling so down since my diagnosis, i have been struggling for 6 years completely beating myself up over people who dont love me and family who dont bother with me. i am miserable every day going to work and navigating my friendships and family relationships but this moment of pure bliss gives me hope. it came so unexpectedly and words cant do it justice but i know i am getting better. and i want this for you too. 