i’m just so tired. i’m so confused and so numb. i’m not diagnosed or medicated. i have so many symptoms of so many things i don’t even know what’s normal anymore. i just want everything to stop. i don’t wanna kill myself and i don’t wanna die because there’s still a small part of me that has hope for light at the end of the tunnel, but i just want everything to fucking stop for five minutes. i want a clear head for five. fucking. minutes. i want some perfect person to sit with me and tell me all the right things and make everything better but i know that doesn’t exist. i keep cycling between feeling okay and being in agony and being in a state of numb placidity so nobody questions whether i’m okay anymore. i’m quietly screaming out for help but the ones who hear it don’t know what to do with me. nothing is worth it anymore. i’m not good enough for anything. i’m not good enough for my parents, i’m not good enough for my passions. i’m not even good enough to get help. i don’t deserve it. i don’t even deserve to be alive. if i was gone nothing would change. i don’t want anyone to miss me. if they do, i know they’ll just miss me because i was there. not because they want or need me, but just because i was a tiny part of their routine that’s gone. that’s it. that’s all i am. just a part of everyone’s routine. i’m nothing else. i’m worthless.