This isn't the first time we'd had a conversation like this, but it was the first time I felt so clearly that she was trying to ditch me as a client. When she said it might be worth ending our year and a half long relationship after our next session I felt totally floored and didn't really know how to respond in the moment so I told her that I didn't know how to do this work on my own and I'd be frustrated with myself if I let a relationship with a good therapist go. This seemed to satisfy her but we were already over time so we stopped there. 

Later I just felt so stupid, so fucking stupid and I spent half the night crying my eyes out. How could I be so thick to think that she cared for me at all? Now that I'm not sick enough to be interesting and can't clip off therapeutic milestones fast enough I'm not worth hanging onto. It brought up a whole life of feeling like I'm only interesting to people if I make them feel good about themselves, if I'm entertaining, if I'm talented and productive, if I'm funny. And once I'm not then people slide away. I've morphed who I am because I have to conclude that who I really am isn't very appealing. Hell, even my parents have spent my entire life being some level of high and only somewhat engaged in who I am as a person. So the more I thought about this conversation with my therapist the more I felt so incalculably dumb for ever thinking she was different. Of course she's not, of course I'm only a little project to her and now that I'm not getting better quick enough she's ready to move on. I feel so lost, I felt like I was gaining things from therapy. But now, now I don't know what to do now that yet another person has found me lacking in some critical way and is ready to set me aside. 

I guess I'm looking for advice or sympathy or an instruction manual for learning to engage with your emotions and not get ditched again and again.