It's all just become too much to bear. Looking back on my life at 28, and the person I used to be i'm strangely proud it took this much to break me. But now it's finally happened there is no putting the toothpaste back in the tube. It's been 2 years of therapy, meds and daily exercise, I can just about survive but living life is well and truly off the table. There is nothing left anymore, no personality, no motivation, no desires, no joy, no dreams, nothing. You can't be a person and life a life without these things.

The childhood trauma growing up with a bi-polar mum &amp; cheating dad. The trauma being abused sexually and emotionally from second year university to the age of 26 by my gf. Dad having a heart scare and ending up in hospital after I said i wanted to quit my masters. My best friend of over 20yrs making my abuse worse when i tell him my gf is abusing me. He told his gf who then told my abuser, i ended up thinking i was the abuser for a while after this, and kept me trapped in it for longer. I finally break up with her, and have to get through a few weeks of awkwardly living with her. During this time her sister's ex husband kills himself. I go with her back home to support her and look after some of her sister's kids. One night she comes into where i'm sleeping and tells me "I know i'm not suppose to say this, but i still love you". When we get back she continues to try and guilt me and get back with her.

I finally leave to live at home for a bit. Two months later Covid starts. Multiple job interviews cancelled and so on. Mum starts telling me stuff about how dad has changed and how he hit her once when i was kid. Dad is continuing to eat himself to death and arguments like when i was a child are very common. During one video therapy call, a group of random people insult me and try to fight me. I move away to another bench in the park and they get closer to me for no reason. When i finally leave the park to walk home I get insulted again and i push one of them away. He doesn't fall over and the rest of the group hold him back. Police then come knocking and give me a community resolution that will possibly come up on an extended dbs check.

Therapy and meds have helped to a certain extent. For example I don't constantly feel like i'm about to die. But overall is it all worth it, do i see a future for myself. Will i be happy, truly be present again and live and laugh like i used to, hell no. I know I've done my best given very difficult circumstances for decades now. I was a kind, somewhat fun person when it would have been easy to be an arsehole, or easy to give up. But unfortunately things out of my control or simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time, have permanently broken me. I know people have it worse than me, its not a competition of who has it worse of course, i've just reached my own personal limit.

That part of me i somehow kept alive, the part of me that wanted to live life, meet people, have fun, work hard and make the ups and downs worth it, is gone and not coming back.