I wish I knew what to do. I’m having a bad one today and recently I’ve had some scary thoughts again about not wanting to be here any more. 

I wish I had realised a lot of stuff in the past. in the past I did some really bad things that I didn’t really realise just how bad they were at the time. For a long time I had no idea I was sick in the head so I behaved in a way that was unhinged and I guess at the time I thought it was because I had unfulfilled needs and the world wasn’t being fair to me, so it was justified. It wasn’t justified and i was wrong. i miss thinking i was normal. i miss thinking that just because i feel pain or yearning, it means i’m right. i miss thinking that my feelings were justified reactions to the world, and not something wrong with me that hurts people. i miss not having any idea i was bring manipulative. 

actually no - i don’t MISS it because i would never want to be cruel again. It was just easier to live with no self awareness.

naturally, because I was not a good person back then, I ended up seriously hurting people - well, there is one person in particular I feel awful about. We were in a relationship for 8 years up until 2016 and looking back, during that time I basically used this person for money, shelter, constant emotional support and I never gave anything back. Then I cheated on them, left and had a breakdown that resulted in lots of very very bad things happening that i totally deserved. I didn’t have a stable home, i was totally crazy, i got addicted to drugs, was suicidal and nuts. during this time I got diagnosed which was not a relief - it created a lot of shame and confusion. 

I have so much shame about my past behaviour and my diagnosis. I hate knowing that i’m just an inherently evil, toxic person who should be avoided. I hate thinking that i held this person back and hurt them deeply instead of nurturing and caring for them like any normal person would have done. 

This morning I found this persons new instagram because it was on my recommended accounts and reading that they had been in therapy, and that for years they felt they had to hide themselves away, it made my stomach ache so bad. i know that people are in charge of their own lives and that anything they’re dealing with after 5 years isn’t ONLY because of me, but I can’t help but feel that they wouldn’t have had such a bad time for so long if it wasn’t for me and i didn’t help, how I stopped them from growing into their own person by being such an overbearing leech. i make it about me all the time. I wonder what they have said to their therapist about their evil bpd ex and then I feel bad for making it about my own ego. 

i know i can’t speak to them because that would be selfish. i feel confused when i think about apologies because often that can be more about assuaging guilt in the perpetrator than making it up to the victim. how do you move on when you can’t fix it?? how does anybody who has done something bad move on in a way that feels fair? obviously i will leave that person alone forever to grow and be happy but... i don’t know what to do. i can’t stop thinking about the past and how i had everything good and ruined it, and it’s irreplaceable and i can’t be happy now. i already ruined my whole life before 30 years old. maybe i do just have to tolerate that. my punishment is a prison of being dissatisfied and sad until i die. i’d feel terrible if i allowed myself to have fun or have friends and a normal life because it’s like acting like i deserve it and the past didn’t happen. it feels wrong. Instead i can only have shallow relationships and i like hiding away at home. i keep everything and everyone at a safe distance. That’s why i’m typing here. I can’t tell anybody for real. 

so for five years now I’ve not been able to forgive myself and I’m not sure I ever will. I never, ever, ever want to hurt anybody, take advantage or be selfish again. I want so much to be a good person. Inside though. it doesn’t matter what i do in the future because my past is carved in stone, i will always be sick and there will always be people out in the world who hate me. I can’t live with that, it’s like a rock inside that paralyses me. I have no love for myself at all - how can I? I despise myself and on a daily basis I wish there was a way to vanish or have never existed. I cause pain. I try so hard not to be crazy but it’s also really difficult to keep going when I’m so scared of myself. i can’t explain. It’s like no matter how hard I try to be good and nice and kind and non demanding, i’m constantly fighting a demon inside and having to push her down while I look at the world through a nice costume and every day I’m scared the mask will slip. and every day i’m just stagnating and not living properly.

I wish I could be someone different. If i can’t take away the past, i wish i could find a way to accept it, but i can’t. I wish I could reconcile the idea that I absolutely must be punished and that it is right and just for me to punish myself to make up for the bad things i’ve done, but also my self-punishment seems to hurt people who are still in my life because they don’t understand why i want to hurt myself and why i don’t live life to the full.

I’m so tired, i just went to turn back time and start over but i can’t. i can’t live with these bad things. even if i did walk out into the sea, it wouldn’t erase the bad things i’ve done. no amount of good deeds in the future can erase the bad things i’ve done. they are permanent and it seems like all i can do is punish myself for the rest of my natural life. it’s the only thing that makes sense to me and it’s a horrible way to live.