Last year, around late November, I (21m) found a hard, painless lump under my jawline. Now, I'm a huge hypochondriac so my mind instantly jumped to some sort of malignant aggressive cancer. But even moreso than being a hypochondriac, I'm massively socially anxious and easily ashamed. My worst nightmare is public speaking, or even speaking to strangers in a formal setting in general. I have to take beta blockers to speak to the waiter in a restaurant. There's some deep sense of shame I think about when having to go to doctors about symptoms. On top of that, I'm so terrified that it might be life-ending cancer that I don't want to check.

This lump - despite scaring the hell out of me - didn't hurt, didn't grow any bigger at all and was not even visible to the naked eye. So, I did something really, *really* stupid and just didn't do anything about it. It's still there now. I'd just about convinced myself that this was nothing, just a strange cyst or benign tumor. It's been 10 months right? and nothing's happened. I knew in the back of my mind that I was an idiot for not getting it checked. But there was not one other symptom that might suggest something bad. 

Until today. I woke up with a sore shoulder, near the clavicle. and even though I associate every small ache and pain I have now with this lump, I pushed that worry to the back of my mind and convinced myself I'd just slept funny on my shoulder. A few hours later though, I was pressing my fingers around my collar bone - because since finding this lump I do regular checks to see if any more come up.

I found another lump. It was around the same size, just as firm, but this one is slightly painful. And now I'm living in a constant state of apprehension. I've totally convinced myself that these are my last few weeks alive, because I've been a fucking fool and left it so, so long without seeing a doctor. I'm scared I'll go to the doctor and they'll find stage 4 cancer. I'm scared I'll die with the guilt and shame that I could've got this checked many months ago. I'm scared I've ruined my family's life and left them with years of deep grief to deal with. I've taken away my parent's son. My sister's brother. I've wasted all my potential.

I know this could probably be a few different things other than cancer. I know my family would prefer me to say something late than never. I know what I should do. But I'm totally terrified to do it.