I find that I often (usually, even) manipulate myself (in regard to my words and my actions/reactions, etc.) in order to try and control what and how others think of me. I feel completely dishonest and insane for doing this. I am aware that I'm doing this; that I HAVE been doing this for most of my life. 

When it becomes (appears) clear that the "self" I have invented for a person is not appealing to them, I start acting completely irrationally. I get paranoid about it. I try to explain that THIS IS NOT HOW I AM, etc... and that doesn't exactly always end up making sense. And even when I try to explain, I can't help but feel that I am doing this per the same habit... to try and gather (reassemble, as it usually goes) a flattering idea of myself in the mind of another. Basically, I end up trying to explain myself for completely selfish reasons. 

I constantly apologize, by habit - also. But not because I'm actually sorry... because I'm terrified of appearing like a bitch and/or breaking the code of normal human conduct that I just don't feel privy to. 

Also, one thing that worries me a lot... ever since I've been little, I've had a very active imagination. I tend to "escape" (I suppose) into fantasied scenarios in my mind, in which other people have this glorified view of me. God, I literally even use my weird daydream escapism in order to manipulate myself and what other people think of me.

I feel like I'm going insane.

None of what I do or say feels authentic to me. Everything is formulated. And I can't control myself when it's happening, even though I'm completely aware that it's happening at the time that it's happening. It feels like being trapped inside a self-constructed puppet version of myself.

I go back and forth, constantly, between self-glory ("I'm a genius/nothing matters/society is for idiots," etc.) and feeling like a bitter, selfish loser with an inflated ego who is simply too afraid of Life to grab onto anything. Or like a toddler; having a constant tempter tantrum because emotions exist.

I've ruined every chance I've ever had at becoming intimate with anyone I've been attracted to and cared about. And it feels like shit, knowing that I've ruined things WHILE completely falsifying their notion of who I am. I feel like Death. 

I'm not sure if I'm capable of being an HONESTLY *good* person. 

I feel incapable of extending affections to someone (even when I genuinely feel for them) for fear that they might reject me. Even when they DESERVE those affections, I don't give them. I imagine myself doing those things all the time. Putting my arm around someone, kissing them, etc. Even if a guy has stated his obvious interest, I can't bring myself to trust enough to let go and allow all this NORMAL human stuff for myself. I reject these GOOD things. And then I cling to the person who I can't provide for, even when they've lost interest.

I've pushed so many good things away; it honestly doesn't feel like I have anything left to deserve.

I'm really not doing well right now. One minute, I am motivated to change. The next minute, I am completely overwhelmed with grief and utter regret about the happiness I've let slide through my hands... all the feelings I wanted to reciprocate, but was too afraid to. 

I'm 25 and it feels as if I've ruined my life too much, already. I feel irreparable. I'm exhausted. 

I'm finally on my way to see a therapist for the first time (my appt. is this week.)

Basically, just wondering if anyone relates to this. I'm not sure what to tell this therapist, without sounding like a narcissistic psychopath... although, maybe I am. 

God, this was whiny. 