I’m 25 now, I don’t know if that’s a long time to deal with depression. It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I’m content and sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m very happy and have a great outlook and sometimes, like for these last few months, it hits like a trick and I lose all hope. 

For no good reason, either. Nothings changed. No drastic life events, it’s just slowly been creeping for awhile, and it’s all coalescing into me, now, sitting in a rental car listening to music, trying desperately to figure this out. Trying to understand what my next move is. But I have no real idea. 

I didn’t see my friends today. I wanted to. They messaged and called, but I ignored.  I knew I wouldn’t have a good time, and I worry that I’ve recently been bringing them down with me. I think they know something is off, but no one wants to talk about it and I don’t blame them. 

What do I say? There is no conversation in this world with anyone that reveals the answers and makes me feel comfortable again. Not right now, at least. I feel forced to just… deal with this. 

Usually I do. A day or two goes by and then I’m back to, “normal”. But this one is different. It’s been ramping up for awhile and I’m about to take my final step off the lip of the jump that is suicide. I haven’t felt this strongly about it in a few years, honestly. I hope things work out. 

I’m not looking for answers right now, I just feel I’m at my wits end and needed somewhere to write this down, and a place where I can have meaningless conversation with strangers seemed like my most peaceful option. I don’t want to wake my parents, and I can’t drop any of this on the people I’m surrounded by everyday. 

Writing this as been cathartic, at least. I feel lost in my head and focusing on these few, dismal paragraphs has been nice. Even if just for a moment. 

For now, Counterparts are blasting through my ears while Brendan Murthy’s voice does it’s best to help me find solace. Bilmuri is up next, and I hope I make it to the end and see the sun tomorrow. I know I will, but reminding myself that I could swerve into oncoming traffic whenever I want is… reassuring. 

Goodnight.