Throwaway account for obvious reasons

Hi there everyone. I have reached a situation I don't know how to handle any further.

Some context I am male, 32 years old, live in germany, depressed for many years now with anxiety disorder and social phobia (all diagnosed). I am gay, HIV positive (in treatment) and was always the strange kid everywhere. I also suspect to have ADHD which would explain some of my rather subpar social abilities and me jumping between topics from time to time (sorry if my post gets inconsistent for you)

I visited a psychotherapist 4 years ago for about half a year to try and get me back on track. This didn't help much and the meds I got just made no difference or they made the situation worse even after weeks of taking them. 

After my therapy was "done" I drifted a bit not doing much all day. I eventually entered a retraining program to become a tax clerk because it was recommended for me because of my abilities. I successfully ended the retraining and am now an official tax clerk (on paper). This was 5 months ago.

While in the internship part of the retraining I noticed that I am not only scared around/of other people or afraid to look like a fool in front of others, I downright hated it being with people I didn't know much but could tell that they took me for an idiot. It's the way they talk and treat you which makes it obvious and makes me stress even more. They did not burst out or screamed at me when I made mistakes, they just treated me like a toddler with pity in their words. I know I am not perfect and do many small mistakes so they are right to be disappointed. 

This also showed at the final verbal exam for becoming a tax clerk. I was really nervous and when I got my exam topic I managed to focus a bit and collected some key points in the 10 minutes we got to prepare. But when I stood in front of the committee  I just locked up. I managed to spew some words that made a logic sentence which saved me from failing right at the finish line. I could tell the committee was disappointed considering I had some of the best theoretical results of the 50 people they tested that year and they also told me with pity in their words to maybe reconsider my career. I guess you can tell this was the point I just didn't know what to do anymore. I felt, and still do like I am not fitting anywhere.

To add to this I was never good in small talk and always preferred to be by myself so not much of a charmer. I can cooperate with other people and are the last one to get mad at someone. But the more I payed attention to others around me the more I longed to be left alone, the more I hated being with people that are probably just wearing masks telling you you do ok while gossiping behind your back to an extend it would make you cry.

I also became pretty bitter over the past few years and honestly can't find a reason to try to get back into society. I am just tired of people. However after 5 months of no income I reached the limit and as it looks I wont be able to pay for my health insurance this month (15th/16th). I still have meds to treat my HIV infection for a few months but if I get sick because of something else there is a good chance I have to carry the costs with an empty bank account.

I know I can get a job with my qualifications but I also know I won't last long because I will focus too much on other people cues again, losing the will to do anything just being at 100% stress the moment I wake up from my alarm until the end of the shift. But I also know that I am a burden to my family right now.

I talked to my family doctor about getting evaluated from a psychotherapist (maybe the same I was at 4 years ago) for ADHD. I was met with hesitation but I guess in this rural region I live in I am a very rare case. I also talked to my doctor that is responsible for my HIV treatment about my situation because I let slip that I feel PHYSICALLY ok and he kept asking. He proposed that he could get me a appointment in the psychiatric ward of the hospital because he was close with another doctor that worked there.I declined because I didn't wanted to trouble him (knowing fully well I fuck this up too in some way) and I am also scared of the stationary aspect.

I guess that is the Story so far. Now I might condense the point of this Post to one or two direct questions:

\- I know one should never diagnose themselves no matter how much info you gathered but could undiagnosed ADHD be the reason I have so much trouble socially?

\- Also what is the best place to ask for/get help for this in germany?