idk if its alright for me to post this here, but i feel like i might use some encouragement and someone tell me if im just...not being reasonable, or something.

i wasnt feeling good for the past few weeks (at least, from what i could actively be aware of); dissociating a lot of the time, low mood, sometimes i can have shifts in moods from okay to bad instantly, crying spells, suicidal thoughts (normal things? i guess so). its nothing that i havent been dealing with since a long time ago, but i realized that the urge to self harm resurfaced, and i panicked a lot thanks to my racing mind. and all these only known by my partner, which they said that maybe i should try and get help again.

yes, again. i tried to "get help" in high school but my school counselor wasnt interested to know about me, but questioned why i felt the way i felt. fast forward to my bachelor years, i still tried to get help from a local hospital nearby my campus, and ended up being told that "there was nothing wrong, you just have to talk to your parents about your issues", when i explained to them about my shit mental health for the past few years? i gave up, then, and told my partner that im never gonna seek help if it's really true that i dont have any issues. (they were even "eh" about considering GAD when i literally had panic attacks prior to going there)

so, my 3rd attempt was a few weeks ago, after i considered my partner's suggestion. and sometime later, i called up one of my friends from high school (we werent even that close, but it matters a lot that she picked up my call, like how she told me) in the midst of panicking on "i dont know whats going on i think im going crazy"; i was convinced that im not okay. my mind was in a bad place (but not the worst, yet). and so, said friend persuaded me to get an appointment at a private hospital, and even offered to go through the whole thing with me (bless her). so we did. after all the hassle, we did.

only for me to be told the same thing by another disinterested psychologist, who listed out my "4 issues", that didnt seem to be concerning. that "its normal for you to have those thoughts when theres an event that put you in low mood. taking the event out, you're okay again". tbh, the 4 things he listed made me look so dumb, made me question myself with *his* question, "why am i here in the first place, when there's nothing wrong with me?" the whole session was very uncomfortable, as he tried to talk me down about how "im still doing whatever im doing, so theres nothing wrong. youre just feeling a bit down. you even graduated your bachelors with a good gpa", literally just dismissing anything i tried to tell him that screams WRONG to me, my partner and my friend. 

my friend suggested that we get a 2nd opinion from another psychologist instead next week, but idk, im losing hope again. i dont want to repeat the same thing to another person only to be told that theres nothing wrong with me, that it was just stress. what, do i have to literally bleed from my arms when i go there *then* only they'll consider? 

tldr; im tired and giving up in trying to "seek help" when it's so hard due to the procedures, and with these kinds of people who kept dismissing my points and see them like its so common, its not serious. friend and partner have been telling me that its not normal to keep wishing myself dead from the previous incidents that happens, to have to fight the urge to self harm, to sabotage myself again and again. maybe i *am* fine, theres nothing wrong with me and im just trying to, idk get attention and be quirky or something despite the fact that im miserable on a daily basis and i think its starting to take a toll on my relationship too. someone please tell me something, i need to hear from another perspective.