i always get compliments about my appearance from my close circle. sometimes when i go out, i even get called pretty by little kids or strangers too. yet, i’ve never ever got in a relationship with a boy. i really have nothing romantically.  maybe it is not about appearances but i don’t know what im doing wrong. deep down i feel like a weirdo just bc of this. all of my girl  friends had both sexual and romantical relationships before and they be like “how are you still single”. and for this reason; i never feel enough. i just wanted to feel loved and wanted by someone that i like too. i sometimes think like “my boobs could have been bigger, my waist is slimmer, my butt is bigger”. then i notice they don’t really matter cause i always see my crushes going to the girls who don’t have the things that i have. and the funny thing is they show interest in me first, then i end up watching them building relationships with another girls. happened twice. maybe you’ll think like “they don’t like your personality”. the thing is, THEY NEVER COME TO ME TO GET TO KNOW ME. and what hurts the most is knowing that it’s so difficult and rare for me to like someone. so these experiences really affected my depression . but now i started to accept the reality that my loneliness is constant, the things i enjoy are getting less and less day by day.  no matter what i do, i can't find someone for me.  the ones i think are for me are either already chosen or they don't choose me.  they show interest but never make the first move.  i guess im just trying for nothing.  i am the person i am deceiving. i don't think I'll ever be able to see myself enough until i get together with someone that i like. and i don’t think that that day will come. i just dont wanna live. i sometimes create solutions like “maybe i just wonder what sex feels like” so i get the urge to download tinder and hook up with boys even though im still a virgin. then i remember my therapist warned me last week like “don’t put yourself in risky situations to prove something.” the funny thing is i don’t even wanna have sex cause this loneliness made me so depressive and i forgot how it feels like to get turned on by someone lol. 
and please, i swear im not looking for any creepy or pervert DMs. im not searching for something. i just wanted to vent cause i have no one to talk about this.

 maybe i should just try to accept the reality that i’ll be alone forever and focus on my academic life, maybe find a hobby to survive..? i dont know what to do cause it’s so hard for me to bare with this. like it’s been 19 years of loneliness lol