through the years, i really did make depression worse for myself by self harming, starving myself, sabotaging my own mood, etc. i was still super high functioning though, and very motivated and social. this past year i tried hard to better myself, i stopped unhealthy coping mechanisms, started eating a lot, taking vitamins, focusing on school, never drinking, quitting nicotine, sleeping right, etc. it worked for a few months, and i felt so much better that i literally told everyone i was cured. but then in january i was hit with the worst depressive episode of my life. i cried all day for days, couldn't laugh at anything, lost 15 lbs, paced around the house endlessly, room and car got filthy, couldn't hold a convo, had short term memory loss, could barely sleep and if i did sleep, i'd wake up and my brain would immediately think of suicide, it was terrifying. i never experienced such a "stereotypical" depressive episode. i'd have mild episodes in the past but like i said i was still very high functioning and they didn't do a lot of damage. after this recent episode, i was too embarrassed to tell people what happened because i already told everyone i was "cured" and i didn't want them to keep looking at me as the hopeless, negative, sad girl. i wanted to be "normal". i was in a lot of denial. i found a therapist for my anxiety and i would literally describe depression symptoms to her, she would say "sounds like you're pretty depressed" and i would immediately deny it. it just couldn't be. i put in so much effort to prevent this and it still happened. but there was nothing else that could explain my symptoms. i'm still experiencing a lot of them. i hate it. it feels like a life sentence. i tried so hard to be physically and mentally healthy and this episode still happened. i don't want people to look at me as depressed for the rest of my life. everyone has been growing up and bettering their lives and i'm still \*that\* friend that they lowkey just want to get rid of, because i could seriously be a walking gray cloud sometimes. i don't vent to any of them anymore since that can be pretty draining, and i try to only talk about positive things, but i feel like my depression and bad coping mechanisms in the past permanently tainted their view of me. i was hoping that would change after i got "better", but it seems that this is just who i am