I’m not sure if that’s a *correct* way to phrase it but I’m not sure what else to call it. Basically for the past few months now I’ll compulsively say really negative thoughts out loud regardless if I actually mean them or not, and sometimes this is accompanied by a full body spasm that kinda resembles getting the chills or straight up cringing. 

There’s legitimately only one focus of these thoughts and it’s just “un-aliving” myself. Sometimes it’s “I wanna ___” or “I wanna ____ myself,” depending on how stressed I am in the moment I add expletives too. 

I don’t actually have any un-aliving plans or actual *ambition* to go through with something like that. It’s basically I get stressed or depressed about something and those words will just be in my head over and over until I just say it out loud on complete accident. I honestly just say without thinking that I’m speaking. 

Sometimes I’ll catch myself doing it and stop myself or my bf will hear me and understandably get concerned. I tell him nothing is wrong when he asks because like I said, I don’t know why I say it other than I will when I get stressed or upset over something even though I don’t mean it.

Drs have told me “un-aliving” thoughts are different from “death wishing” and I think this is the second one. I have a lot going on with me mentally and haven’t been feeling well for about a month now and me doing this has become more and more frequent and I’m afraid I’m going to say something like this at work or with my family and have them freak out over it.

I see drs and I’m on meds that have mostly worked for a good while, I kinda just feel like I’m relapsing and years of mental progress is being undone. I’m just so depressed and anxious all the time now, panic attacks are becoming more frequent again and it’s hard to wanna get out of bed ever. I stoped caring about work or showing up on time which is *extremely* unlike me. I’m afraid everyone hates me despite knowing I don’t have to care that much. I suddenly need everyone’s approval or I just feel like trash.

Like I said I have no plans to “un-alive” myself, but idk how to stop these nervous ticks or what they even actually are. Idk why my mental health is going down so fast and hard when I was doing so good for so long.