I don't know if this belongs here but I trust this group and I just have to get this out

I was listening to Bo Burnhams "That Funny Feeling" from Inside, which has always hit different.

I notice all of the little, sad, scary absurdities of life you know? It's definitely one of the things that spurs my bpd symptoms. I am seeking a friend for the end of the world, currently, right now, because the world constantly feels like it's going to end these days, and because I want that, I latch on to anyone who makes me happy, they become my fp for 3 months and I keep hurting myself. But as I accept that feeling more, I feel more guilty about letting these parts of myself win. I yearn to truly love the people I already have. And it's a cycle. My emotions are constantly on a wheel, and I can't handle always facing these feelings. I almost think I mask to even my own self. "We're good, we're happy look! You don't have to get better, we're great!" But I'm not great, and I know that.

The second part to this is the part that makes me kind of laugh though. That's a lie. I really laugh. It's crazy like a hyena. I can't help but believe that the world revolves around me somewhat, you know? I'm autistic, pretty narcissistic (thank you mom!) and also have bpd (thank you mom!) And like, I relate my life to movies, video games, and TV shows. Specifically the same shows my mom used to watch with me when I was younger. Shitty 90s teen dramas. I did like 21 Jump Street though. Depp was a total snack back then and in Nightmare on Elm Street. Too bad he's outed as a misogynist now, with Marilyn Manson, lol. But if the world revolves around me, and I relate my life to 90s teen dramas, then my life is a 90s teen drama, you know? And God, it's just so fucking funny to think about it as the shittiest teen drama. My childhood sucked,  I almost died as a baby, my mom sucks, my dad is dead, (I hit all the protagonist boxes) and I'm stuck in it since I didn't have the quirky highschool friends to slowly teach me life lessons that wrap themselves up within 23 minute time slots (with time for commercials.) Then, I get my own 1 hour special finale where I finally get to a place where I can make the decision to grow, and the world ends before I even get that far.

I'm tired of knowing, man. I just want to go back to episode 1, before the plot really kicked off