idk if anyone will see this but i just need to vent cuz i have no one to vent to lol. i have been in an exhistential crisis type of depression/mania cycle for more than a year and i can’t get out. i always think im doing better, but it’s always just mania. not a single person in this world loves me, platonically or romantically. my own mother has despised me my whole life and im just a source of negativity into the world. i feel so sad and lonely that it radiates from my chest to the very tips of my fingers, like it’s the essence of my being. ive drifted so far from everyone that i can’t open up to anyone anymore and it’s all my own fault because i have drawn away from everyone in my life. im so lost with zero sense of my future because I’ve never imagined that i would live past my early 20s. i feel like I’m doing it all for nothing. i keep dissociating almost and i never feel real. i genuinely feel like it will never get better at this point because i can’t remember what being better is like