I'm really struggling this morning, and while trying to implement some DBT skills to try to prevent an utter breakdown, this thought (the title) occurred to me, along with the feeling that maybe some of you could relate and that might make my struggle today feel a little less lonely. 

I know what got me here, I've let a lot of important self-care habits fall off the last few months because I've been really busy with spring planting, family birthdays, and end of school year stuff, along with complicated feelings around my fast-approaching 40th next month. My oldest cat died unexpectedly this past weekend, apparently of natural causes, and I think I must have had some heavier kinship/companionship feelings for her as another aging mother than I had realized, because I suddenly feel much lonelier about 40 than I had been feeling. That's getting added onto the pile of already feeling weird and bad about myself for life-long behaviors that I've only realized in the last few years are likely symptoms of untreated ADHD and BPD, but that I still haven't really forgiven myself for having, while simultaneously struggling to implement skills to deal with those symptoms and behaviors. 

My kid has been diagnosed and is in treatment, and eventually we will have the money to afford to get evaluation and treatment for me, too. There's light at the end of the tunnel, and I know I should give myself a little credit for recognizing her struggles as disability and illness instead of the personality flaws mine were attributed to, for trying to fix myself on my own until I can afford professional help; I know I would be proud of anyone else fighting this same fight. But dammit, I stupidly, ridiculously hate me for even being in it, even when I know it's not my fault, I know I'm not just lazy and over-sensitive and disorganized and volatile. Again, just so upset at myself for being upset at myself because I know it's not right to be upset at myself! 

So, I'm trying to Opposite Action my shame and self-loathing, by putting them out here in the hope that openly stating my need for compassion and companionship will help me better offer them to myself and accept them from others. If any of this was at all relatable to you, I would love to hear about it and you and how you're coping. Thanks. ❤️