I have tried every single kind of therapy, medication, several hospitalizations... I  I already live a completely functional life, I know how to behave normally and control myself, but I just don't want to do this and suffer my whole life. I have learned how to do that because I am afraid of more hospitalizations, I have very bad ptsd because of them.

 I need to find a way to be able to live my life and the only thing I can think about is killing myself because I will always be me and I cannot live like that. I have tried every single therapy and medication there is and sometimes I think the only thing that will cure me is having a loving mother and growing up from the begginiing all over again. I can't do that so what can I do? I'm desperate... I think I should find a movie-like hippie community or even join a f\*cking cult just for the sake of feeling loved and having a purpose even if it's just all fake.

I have been told by the very first therapist that has ever treated me like a person that she can not help me anymore. I just feel completely hopeless and I am completely alone, I have nobody to talk to or to ask for help. I don't really want to kill myself I just need to suffer like normal people do. I don't want to go to another therapist, i need to do something new and different as to not get de same results and suffer more.

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Do you have any ideas or have tried something that worked successfully yourself?