My working diagnosis is BP2 and BPD. I'm constantly overstimulated and angry or completely disociated. I have episodes nearly every day unless I take a benzo when I feel like something's coming. I'm taking klonopin essentially as a maintenance drug. I'm disconnected from my family. I'm delusional and paranoid. I'm on meds that used to work and now it feels like I'm taking sugar pills. I feel like I'm failing at being a father, fiance, employee, human, etc. My fiance is convinced that I'm having an affair due to how withdrawn I am. She says that she understands my illness and is "here for it" but I doubt that more and more all of the time (paranoia). Every time I vent to my fiance she always ends up asking me if I need to be alone or if our relationship is what I want or if I would be happier without her. At this point I'm struggling to differentiate whether she's legitimately concerned for my mental health or just looking for me to say the word so she has an out. She's mentioned that it might just be "that time of the year" because I do tend to slide into a depression every fall that lasts until spring. I'm afraid to hurt anyone (esp. my kids). I rarely have "ups" or positive emotions. When I do they're few and far between or I'm recklessly spending to feel something. 

I nearly did away with myself a month or two ago and was on watch over the entire weekend of my birthday. My friends and fiance are constantly on edge. I can tell if I say the wrong thing then I'm going to end up with a grippy sock vacation, which is the LAST thing that I want right now.

I constantly feel like I'm waiting for something but I have no idea what it is. Like I'm going to catch my next "big idea" or some "big break" soon. 

I feel completely and utterly alone and I feel trapped in my own mind. I feel that there's no hope and no escape. I feel that I have literally no one to talk to. I feel like nearly every moment of my life is cruel agony that I just have to deal with. 

The most fucked up part is that when someone is really sick (i.e. terminal cancer), when they finally pass, people are happy for them. They say things like, "at least they're not suffering anymore." Why do we not get the same courtesy? We're selfish and it's tragic and sad that we may or may not have taken matters into our own hands. WE are expected to suffer forever because why? \*Maybe\* one day we'll get relatively better? 

I tagged this as seeking support, but I really don't know what type of support I'm expecting. I guess I'm just at the end of my rope and feeling alone and don't know what to do or who to talk to about it. I guess that I just want to feel like someone out there understands.