I know that I need to just keep pretending they don’t exist for the betterment of everyone. It sucks and it hurts a lot and I wish I could just say hi in the hall or when they sit next to me, but I can’t. I can’t be the one to say anything. When I say something first, I lose control. I’m vulnerable. And that just makes me self-destruct. So I can’t do it. I know I need to stop thinking about it, focusing on it, self-harming myself over it. 

But. I. Can’t. Because of the unknown. I don’t know how they feel. 

It PISSES ME OFF that people don’t tell you these things. Do you hate me or are you just afraid? Do you want nothing to do with me or do you just not know what to say? 

I don’t know what to say. I know I can’t say anything but I don’t know what I’d say even if I could.  

Is this right? Does this make sense? To ignore this person I don’t want to ignore because I know that I will become really unhealthy and vulnerable if I talk to them? 

I know in the past I’ve been crazy. I’ve been horrible. I’ve said stupid things I shouldn’t have to this person. I overshared. 

(I told them about how I think self-harming isn’t a bad thing, and went into great detail about why it’s good?? When they cut off contact with all of their friends including me, and I thought they died, I tracked down their address and sent them a letter confessing that I liked them and missed them??)

This makes sense. When i write down all of the things I’ve done I know it means I need to keep isolating. But they keep sitting across from me, beside me, and it’s infuriating. I just want to be alone. I hate this. 