I am so sick of my self sabotage and convincing myself that the world hates me, and then actively doing things that make myself unlikeable, and then having a pity party for myself when I fuck things up on my own

This primarily pertains to my relationship where I tell myself at least 5x a day, “there’s no way he loves you. How could anyone love you? You’re disgusting and worthless.” There’s nothing he can do or say that could make me possibly believe there is anything even tolerable about me. He writes me letters, got me a love box (long distance relationship gadget), constantly reassures me, but nothing works. And I’m starting to think my insecurity and anxiety over me never being good enough for anything/anyone will ruin us. 

I find myself having an attitude or being distant for no reason sometimes just so he can ask me what’s wrong so I can tell myself that he cares. But when he doesn’t ask whats wrong, I spiral and have the most awful self loathing thoughts that he’s never actually cared about me and wants to break up. I feel like I am subconsciously punishing him for not reading my mind and assuaging my fears that he doesn’t even know about because I don’t communicate. I just sit and mole like an idiot hoping he’ll magically say some words that will somehow make my intrusive thoughts disappear. Even though I know nothing will. 

I don’t know what this is. I’m not asking for help or advice because I don’t deserve it and I’m self aware enough to know that I could stop this way of thinking if I was willing to be vulnerable. But it’s more on brand for me to just let this relationship crash and burn just like I do with everything else I love. 

I should note I have zero friends besides my SO (due to self destructive tendencies listed above) and I guess I just have no where else to put these thoughts until I get a therapist.