4 years ago, my anxiety came back big time, and I've been slowly picking up the pieces since. Last year I ended up making huge progress. Unfortunately that progress was mostly due to a family tragedy. In late 2019, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, so I forced myself out of the house to be with her. It was such a painful ordeal, but it ended up helping me face my anxiety head on. She died just before Christmas that year, and while it initially sent me into a spiral of grief, it gave me the confidence to keep pushing even harder. I wanted to do it for her. I wanted something good to come out of it all. I ended up going from not being able to leave the house to going out for walks, doing the shopping, making appointments for myself, talking to people outside of my family. I had symptoms, but they were on the decline. Panic hadn't really been an issue for a while. For the past few months though, things have been slowly deteriorating. It started with a panic attack at home. Then one panic attack became another, and then another, until eventually a couple of weeks ago, I was hit with one in the middle of the supermarket. Since then, it's been every day. Leaving my room has become a challenge, and I've found that I no longer feel safe there either. I'm exhausted. I feel sick. I feel utterly broken. It feels like all of the progress I've made has just been obliterated. I've tried clinging on to my progress, forcing myself to go out and do the things I could before, but every time feels harder than the last with no improvement. It feels like I simply can't do those things any more, at least while I'm feeling this anxious all of the time. This isn't the first time I've had a set back, but it's been the biggest one yet, and I'm just starting to feel like Sisyphus.

Talking to people doesn't seem to help, since it feels like I'm either too anxious to even talk or they just don't understand, so I feel completely isolated and helpless. My parents offer the support they can, but I can't help but feel like I'm a disappointment. I'm 24, I dropped out of uni because of my anxiety, and I can't even do basic things and constantly rely on others for help. I haven't achieved anything and, while I still pay rent through my disability benefits, feel like I contribute nothing but pain. They're both retired now, and I'm holding them back. My younger brother has gone off to uni, and I'm still living with my them. When I'm not overwhelmed with anxiety, I'm wracked with guilt; the pain I cause me parents, my inability to live up to society's expectations, how I feel like I've failed my grandmother. If I weren't so afraid of death, I think I would consider suicide. I want to cry and I want to scream, and I just don't know what to do any more.