I'm so fucking sick of self sabotaging with this shit. It only happens if the romantic partner is actually emotionally available. Everything's fine and on cloud 9 then suddenly without warning I'm filled with anxiety that "this isn't right" and almost feel disgusted by them which is so many levels of not fair. 

Arguably I should not be in a relationship and I'm not. But I've ruined my last two potentials last year with this crap and I am just not sure how to control it. 

Don't want to be this way, I'm a god damn headfuck without meaning to be.