So about 3 weeks ago I had a mental breakdown from months of anxiety that kept growing and not resolving.

I started going to the gym, I started hanging out with a friend that I've kinda been ghosting due to my anxiety, I started spending more time with my family, I spend as little time in my room as I can since that's where I've struggled with most of my anxiety and it just feels so gross in there, I started driving more, started reading more, spend less time with some toxic friends.

First week since the breakdown everything was hell, past two weeks were actually really nice. 

But now the anxiety is creeping back on me. The last 3 nights I had panic attacks and today it started seeping into my morning. 

I've drastically moved away from my past anxiety but it's slowly creeping back. What do I do now? It feels like when I changed everything it was new and my brain was excited, now it's used to it and isn't stimulated enough. But I've changed most of what I can, what am I supposed to do now... leave the country?

And just for shits and giggles I wanna vent about my day today. This part isn't important but if anyone wants to hear what it was like here it is:

Since I started working out I've been watching workout videos on YouTube and found Zyzz. Dude was a scrawny shy kid that became this confident powderhouse in a few years and is now seen as a legend. But he died of a heartattack at an early age. Some say it was suicide because of a botched nosejob, others say it was an undiagnosed heart condition paired with steroids, drugs, overworking, and stress.

On the way to the gym all I could think about was what if I have an undiagnosed heart condition. I have had Cardio phobia since I was very little so what if...?

I then got a little light headed. Obviously it was from the anxiety of thinking I'm gonna have a heartattack OR maybe it could be from my brother tossing a basketball at my BACK causing a concussion... Right?

Got to the gym and was feeling a bit hot and feverish. Now it could be because it's a hot day and the car was hot as fuck and I was too stuck in my head to turn on the AC, or I caught some covid bug or something...

I started working on legs but they were extremely sore to the point where I couldn't really do anything. Feeling hot and feverish, my body is giving up on me, light headed... Actually having a heartattack? Or maybe it's because the last time I did legs I was fucked up for 4 days, and this time I only took 1 rest day? 

Decided fuck it I can't get any work done, might as well go to the courts and toss the ball around to get my mind off it all and maybe get SOME exercise.

And with all the slight jogging and panicking I had a heart palp which was like "oh yeah I'm dead" so I just walked the sidelines for half an hour until my friend and brother were ready to go.

So yeah. I went to the gym feeling a bit anxious and left fully panicking. The worst part of this all is the gym was the place I would de stress. I'd hangout with a friend and get my mind off my dumb shit. But now it's all coming back...