Okay so I've been dealing with this since 2017 and I'd like to recap on it. 

So in September of 2016 when I was 12 years old, we left our home in South East texas that I have been loving in since I was only a year old, and we went to go live in an apartment in Kansas city. I have Autism and it made me very uncomfortable to move to a place I wasn't familiar with let alone from a completely diffrent state. Things started okay until I turned 13 in January, when my mental health suddenly flipped like a switch. I was laying on my parents bed one afternoon with the sunlight naturally flowing in through the window and I was looking at the ceiling, when all all a sudden something in my head just.. "clicked"? and my mental health from there just went spiraling down ever since. At first when the click happened, it was like I realized that something was very wrong, but I didn't know what or why. But it just kept getting worse and worse. Eventually everything seemed like it was a dream and nothing was real or eveything was replaced with an identical replica. It was like the world ended in the end of 2016 and eveything afterwards was a fever dream or a limbo of sorts. I tried to listen to Nostalgic music to bring me back back reality but as much as I tried the Nostalgia would fade and I couldn't even I feel it anymore when when listened.. Then after two years of living in Kansas, I went to go live with my sister for a year and a half, and it was mental hell. I hated her husband because he was a pretentious asshole who hypocritical and would bitch about the smallest shit. But after that, I came back to my mom and my then stepdad to live there and that's where I live today still. 

So a bit of background info from me, I'm 18, I'm autistic, Nonbinary and Demisexual. I am also an amateur artist and animator. I have been inspired for 13 years to draw and animate by many diffrent artists and mediums I've been exposed to over the years and is a huge reason why I'm here today.

I am also a mental and emotional abuse survivor, my biological father was very abusive when I was younger. He would scream and have mental and emotional breakdowns a shit ton and would argue with my mom and cuss his children/me and my siblings out and punish them severely if they pissed him off just right. For 14 years he did that. He had Bi Polar disorder and some other stuff that I can't remember. He would sometimes scream so extraordinarly loud he'd wake up the neighbors next door (which is especially impressive given that we lived in a regular neighborhood with brick houses) and he would sometimes force us out of the house and we'd have to hide at our relatives places like cousins places, aunts uncles, grandparents, ect. And he would follow us and try to put water or sugar in the gas tanks to fuck up our only ways if transportation because he was vengeful(?) Of some bullshit he was angry over. He also would threaten to destroy the things I loved if I didn't essentially kiss his ass when he was being a dickhead. I remember being 4 - 9 years old and firmly standing inbetween my mom and my father while they argued because I was afraid that he would hurt her. I also remember him throwing my pet kitten against the wall in a fit of anger. (The kitten was okay, she was just flabbergasted and ran off into the hallway.) I also had some other relatives that were just as toxic, like my dad's brother and his mom. I remember having to call 911 when I was like 6 or 7 because I was too worried about what my dad would do. He had sometimes physically struck my mom but not very violently. He put most of his rage into yelling and name calling and eveything else. 

So as an escape, I got into the internet at an extremely young age and got into drawing and such, but I also got into pornograpy as well. It became a safe haven for me at the time since I was neglected by my father and genuinely didn't like my current situation. I wasn't traumatized by it, but it did kinda fuck up my sexual development and emotional development. 

I remember also using club penguin as a big escape as well as other video games. Lots of things like that helped a tremendous ton. 

I also remember my mom being the most important person to me because she was and is very sweet and would always be there for me. She would do eveything for me especially when I needed it. I am also very scared and anxious about my mom dying alot. 

We also were very, very poor in 2014 to 2016 especially. We had to also buy water in jugs because the water in our neighborhood was polluted and we couldn't drink it at the time. When my father had one of his episodes he would take things that we needed like the water jugs and back wash them or take our toilet paper, menstruation pads, ect and hide them so we couldn't use them. It was so contradictory since he wasn't always this shitty, he would sometimes be very kind and be supportive and all. He was also emotionally abused when he was younger by his mom. 

In April of 2018, me and my dad found out my mom was having affairs with another guy because she couldn't live with my dad anymore. He became scared for me and sent me away to my sisters house in Texas for a year and a half, like I mentioned earlier. After a few days living there, I wake up one morning to hear that my biological dad killed himself via helium inhalation. After that, I met my now ex boyfriend in middleschool in 8th grade and I ended up being pretty mentally and emotionally abusive and immature and I broke up with him 2 years after getting with him

After a year and a half after my bio dad died, I moved back with my mom and my now stepdad. And I stayed with them for 3 years until now. 


As for my gender, I haven't came out to my parents yet but my friends and relatives know and are supportive. It's kinda hard to express myself to the family I haven't outed myself to yet because some already don't like that I like to dress and act androgynous, and I have to dress and act more properly and it's definitely frustrating but I can manage it for the most part. 

But yeah, that's my history summed up shortly. As of now I'm doing okay, but I still feel depression to varying degrees, but it has been getting waaayy better as of recent. My mental Halethorpe is slowly but surely rising. A few weeks ago I was driven here in texas by my uncle to visit for the summer and I visited my brother and some cousins and I tried weed for the first time with a bong, and I became stoned for the first time and my mental health snapped and bounced back from my mental dive and it seemed that everything was real again just like before I moved when I was 12. Literal peace and happiness I haven't felt since I was a child. And the effect has lasted ever since that day, as if my mind had needed a break after so long and it finally got exactly what it needed. 

I hope someone can understand even a little bit and give advice, I'd give more details about my life but my memory is foggy af and it's hard to remember a whole lot right now, I just needed to quickly get this out. If anyone could help or commentate, that'd help alot. I can't be the only one here going crazy.