I was with someone for a long time and the last few years we have been on and off. Every time they stop speaking to me, it feels almost like how I felt when my father died. I wanted this person to be part of my life but things are complicated and we both have things that hold us back, them moreso than me.

We spoke at the beginning of the summer and I told them that every time they speak to me and then stop speaking to me it feels like I'm grieving the loss of someone. They stopped speaking to me shortly after and now we are speaking again, it's been about three weeks and the same thing is happening again. I know what's coming, I know that I shouldn't have spoken to them but I love them and want to spend time with them and I just want to hope that things can finally work out. We spent the weekend together and had a conversation. I'm just trying to remove myself from it before I start breaking down from the fear of losing them, because it's pretty much like I'm grieving someone.

Why do I put myself through this? Why does not talking someone who just doesn't want to be in my life hurt so much? It feels like I've lost someone so close to me and I keep on doing it over and over and I know that if I could just let go for good, a lot of my anxiety would go away. 

A majority of my anxiety was from constantly worrying about losing them. I did talk to them about this but there's not really anything they can do. It's my problem. 

How can I stop? I try to distract myself but the thoughts sneak up. I work out, read books, play games, try to hang out with friends, but it feels lonely. They were my best friend and losing them fucks me up so bad.