TW: self harm mentions

Today was the day of a horrible anniversary for me. My friends knew this (as they do every year) and spent a LOT of time making sure I was okay today. We spent hours together, one brought me ice cream, none of them pushed me to talk, we had a good time. 

I’m really, really lucky to have the friends that I do, I can’t stress that enough. They’re amazing.

It’s 1am as I’m writing this and they all have their own lives so they had to go to sleep - I’m still awake, because as soon as I was alone everything just felt like it was coming back. As soon as I was alone I immediately felt like I wanted to self harm all over again after relapsing yesterday. I feel like I’m letting them down and mocking their work for being so weak - I still don’t understand WHY they’re so nice to me in the first place and it’s just like all these thoughts never go away. 

I’m still dealing with all the irrational thoughts and PTSD issues and stuff like that. I guess I just needed to rant because it makes no sense for me to feel as alone as I do because they spent HOURS to make sure I was ok. I’m such a piece of shit