I feel like pure dog shit. Didn't get a wink of sleep last night because I was anxious about waking up early so I could book an appointment for the GP (my mum said to do that so I can get an appointment on the same day, otherwise I can't get one). So right now I feel extremely awful. I don't know exactly how many sleepless nights I've had in the past year, but I'm pretty sure I've had a shit tonne. I'm starting to feel suicidal every night before bed, because I feel so fucking hopeless. Thankfully I'm going to talk to my GP over the phone at some point today, which means I'll be able to get my first ever referral to a therapist (I regret not asking sooner, because I feel like its gonna be a long fucking road to recovery, and even when I'm somewhat cured of my anxiety and suicidal ideation I'll always live with a sense of confusion, which will make every situation in my entire life three times the difficulty of someone with regular processing abilities). I just feel absolutely awful right now. At this point I'm picturing what my brain looks like. I picture a scrunched up piece of paper, like an Alzheimer's patient. Fuck my parents. They're the cause of my mental bullshittery. If they had put more effort into their parenting I wouldn't be in the situation I am in right now. Fuck my house. It's messy as shit. I have friends but I'm pretty sure they have friends which are more interesting than me, which is why I'm always the one to text them first. I've never been checked up on by my friends. I feel like regular stressful problems which normal people tend to overcome is like rocket science to me. I'm so scared for my future. I feel like absolute shite.