Ok, first off please delete this if this is not a good place to ask.

tl;dr: had a fight with my friend, she said she wants nothing to do with me, but I don't know if she means it or not.

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My friend has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which is why I'm coming here to ask. Normally we get along fine. Sometimes we fight but after a little bit we can talk it out. But this week we had a fight because I want to do something, and she doesn't. I mean, she kept saying she wanted to go, but then would flake out, so I would have to push the date back. I finally told her it was fine if she didn't want to go and that I would hang out with her some other time. I thought we were good, and we even made other plans to hang out, and also for her daughter's birthday party. But a few days later she called me demanding that I explain why I was excluding her on purpose. I asked if she wanted to go, and she said no because it was a stupid waste of time/money for something she didn't care about. This is a really important thing to me and it hurt. I said, "You could go because it is important to me." So then she got very angry because I was making her "prove herself" to be worthy of friendship. I got angry too and said, "I don't know what to tell you, if you want to come then come you've always been invited, but if you don't want to then stop making this a thing." That was it. She yelled at me, told me we've never been friends and that we'll never be friends ever again, she wants nothing to do with me, and then hung up. (Idk if this is relevant, but she started this conversation by saying we're best friends.)

So I guess here is what I need help with:

1) I am really hurt by this. Normally I try to understand that she feels things really intensely. But I feel things too, even if it isn't so intense. It seems like she can have these huge outbursts, but if I ever express my feelings then I'm the bad guy. This outing is really important to me, and I don't want to apologize for taking it. I still feel the same way: if you want to come then come (I would LOVE to have her) but if you don't, then that is really fine too. I feel like that is a reasonable position. Am I wrong? And how come it is always on me to stay calm in these moments? That seems humanly impossible, and I am a very flawed human that gets angry too. But because hers is more intense it seems like mine is invalid. Both can be valid at the same time, right? Why can't we be two adults that sometimes fight but can always talk through it?

2) We have fought before, but she has never said we will never be friends again. I don't know how to respond. Was she serious? Is she really done with me? Is this a friendship I have to mourn? Is she giving me the silent treatment? Does she think I'm giving her the silent treatment? I want to respect her boundary if that's what she needs. But what if it isn't? How do I know if she is waiting for me to reach out? And do I go to the birthday party? I was invited, but given the circumstances I don't know what to do. I would totally go if I could believe that she wants me there in even a small way. But I don't want to go there only for my friend and I to fight and ruin her daughter's party. That doesn't seem right.

3) Part of me feels like she waited to bring up the outing until after the invites for the birthday party went out, knowing full well we would fight, and now it is some sort of test to see if I care about her. I don't know how to pass this test. Does she want me to take her at her word and not talk to her? (She often complains that no one takes her seriously.) Does she want me to go to the party? Am I being paranoid about this?

4) I love and value her friendship. Ideally, I would like to continue it, if she wants that. I don't like feeling like I always have to read her mind. How do I address that with her? Sometimes I am her favorite person, but I can't be the person she wants me to be, because I can't anticipate her needs and I don't really like being on a pedestal like that, or falling off and becoming the Worst Person Ever. But I do want to be a regular good normal friend with her. I want to be there for her, but I can't be her superman. What do I do?

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