Just made a post about how I hate myself for feeling emotions towards another man, but lately more than ever I've been having urges just to do it, I've never had the thought that I should kill myself as strong as it was last night, I had a loaded gun on my bed with me and slept with it by my neck hoping it would go off, I don't want to die but I randomly get urges to slit my throat whenever I'm using a knife

I have undiagnosed PTSD and yell whenever I think about my childhood (I don't want to think about those things, but I can't get it out of my head sometimes and yelling or hurting myself helps change my thoughts) nobody I know understands me at all

My sister's who are older than me aren't troubled by our childhood like I am, I know the eldest remembers it but isn't effected, and my other sister doesn't remember it at all yet I remember everything very vividly 

I can't talk to anyone about this because I don't want to stress my dad out and ask him about me going to therapy because he'll think he did something wrong and he didn't and I don't want him to feel bad about my failures in life