I (22f) honestly don’t have the energy nor do I feel like explaining it on a public forum but I have bpd and I’m so fucking in love with this boy, he’s not a fp I don’t think, it feels so different than any fp I’ve ever had, with him I don’t feel like I’m mirroring any of his traits, I actually feel like he brings out the most authentic version of me, idk how to explain it. Also usually time heals fp’s w me but with him time just pulls me further away from him wanting him more even though we’re arguably closer now. I have had a bunch of FPS in my life and I can tell you this makes me realize It never was “real”, maybe the crushes were for a little but never real like this, With him I actually feel like I learn forgiveness and trust instead of how I’ve ever felt interpersonally with fp’s I just don’t think this is a “fp” per say. I don’t think for one second any of my feelings fkr him are just my bpd, they’re clearly way beyond my bpds fucked up attachments. 

But I am trying to get a shit ton of extra and new therapy scheduled in advance for this (trying key word) but my birthday is coming up and I have spent the past 2 birthdays thinking about this boy (he also has bpd but it seems to manifest differently in him than me, I’m much more anxious insecure he’s much more anxious avoidant) and this is the first year I’ve actually asked him to spend it with me. I literally can’t fathom what I’ll do if he doesn’t spend it with me, birthdays are already so anxiety filled when you never saw yourself living past a certain year and family stff that makes birthdays hard for me. I wanna start my birthday with the people I love and care about (and honestly vice versa) and he’s the top of that list for me, and I know how much he cares about me too. We have been to hell and back and I’ve left emotional scars on him that I’ll never forgive myself for, but I’ll always keep trying. He’s the safest place I’ve ever known and I just wanna feel safe with him on my birthday and be with someone where I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, with him I never have to pretend, it might lead to fights sometimes being honest with him but I’ll take That bc I truly believe we could get through any fight on the other side together but I know my bpd and I know the catch 22 I’m in right now. If he doesn’t spend my birthday with me the sadness will be so overwhelming I’m gonna be angry. I can’t force him to spend my bday with me but I also don’t want to give up on him if he doesn’t. 

I’m constantly trying to complete the opposite action with him instead of saying “fuck you” when my head wants to split on him I’ve been trying to tell him how much I love him instead bc I know that’s the reality the anger is just bc I’m scared to lose him  but Im definitely overwhelming him nonetheless. 

Right now I’m trying not to think about my birthday but it’s not working, every night (and on repeat during the day) I have nightmares  that he doesn’t spend it with me and then if not nightmares I have the same dream where I can see us celebrating my bday at this awesome spot I rlly want to go to. My birthdays in a month, I just don’t know how to cope with this rn w out ruining everything with him. I’ve never loved someone like this before. i used to think love was just attachments and love itself is a fake concept but with him it feels like a universal pull, like gravity. 

Literally any coping skills you’ve learned in DBT or elsewhere for these type of situations you can recommend would be lit it’s rlly hard to think straight rn