im actually quite scared to post on here. ill try to make this short. 

im a woman. 20. have two sisters around ten years older than me, a mother whos an abusive narcissist, and a boyfriend. 20. my dad died when i was 13. 

i have all the hallmarks of a depressed abused trauma victim. self harm, anxiety, depression, no coping skills, repressed anger, high sex drive, no motivation, lack of appetite, lack of desire to live etc. 

my sisters were kicked out of my mothers home when i was 16. i was always made to believe it was my fault, because the fight was caused by my extremely messy room at the time. my mother had hit me across the face and my sisters left. 

i met a boy around this time who ive fallen head over heels in love with. i believe i can have a happy life with him. 

a couple years ago my mothers abuse turned physical and psychological. i had a large-ish following on instagram and i used it to feel confident about it. she would tell me i was a whore, slept with half the town etc. 

at many points she would take my phone and look at and obsess over the sexual videos or pictures i was sending my now boyfriend. would talk about how despicable i was etc. 

i left when i was 19, stayed at two friends houses. begged and pleaded for them to never speak to my mother, many times i had told them in panic i knew they would leave me. and they did. i went back to my mother. who constantly laughed at my failure. i lied about staying together with my boyfriend at the time because i couldnt deal with actually cutting him off. i left again at 20 because she wanted to take away all autonomy and trashed all of the things i had bought myself. was abusive. 

i decided to move to where my sisters were. ive been here since september. and things have gone relatively sour in my life since. 

being away from my boyfriend causes my outbursts and trust issues to be amplified. im constantly upset hes not speaking to me, or that he goes and does things without me. hes come up to visit me once. it hurts. he doesn’t understand that he is my entire world and i need him to be there for me. etc. i feel every day he strays further away from me because my mental health has been so fucking bad. and almost every day i argue with him about how he doesnt treat me properly/the limited affection/ love he does give me isnt enough. i communicate my needs extremely well.

and my sisters are...idk. they dont want me to continue dating my boyfriend. a way ive explained it is that every single day i feel like im being watched. i know they love me. and i know im sometimes 100% in the wrong, but i feel resentment. all three of us share a trauma bond because of what happened to us, but every day my sisters speak about everything i do wrong. privately to each other. they criticize how i speak, how i kept my instagram, how i wasnt the way they thought i was (healthy) etc. what bugs me so much about this is that i was alone for the years i was struggling alone with my mother, save for my boyfriend, and my mothers abuse went hardest on me. she was especially the most physical with me. and when i lost my other friends, my boyfriend was the only one who stayed. so now ive trauma bonded to him. they know that, and have told me they dislike him because they think hes a narcissist like my mother. (not without cause) on top of that i feel like every single day im the bad guy now because staying with this boy triggers them, but not me. theyve gave me ultimatums about if i chose him we cant have a relationship, etc and i love him. i do know if i do not have him in my life i will do something bad. and im constantly terrified of that. they say im constantly triggered because i have a relationship with him. and perhaps i could. i dont know. i find this hypocritical of one of them because they continue to have a relationship with my narcissistic mother. and want to keep a relationship with her too.  basically every other night when im at my one sister (who speaks to my mother) we have these big talks that make it worse for my mental health. but i know theyre important for her so i do them. but some nights im so afraid i’ll walk back slowly from the train station or pace in the lobby of the building. 

ive been thinking that im too big of a stressor for them both at this point and want to find a place on my own because im at a breaking point. and her husband has taken a liking to me and said if thats what it took he would help offset costs for rent. he has been the only one providing me with “you’re doing the best you can, theyve had four years to fix themselves youve only had four months” but then i feel like im using him. and with my bpd this is all so much worse and i dont know what to do. 

i know i dont want to leave him. and they know that too.