TW: brief mention of self harm, just the word
Flair: ADVICE NEEDED or FAMILY/RELATIONSHIP

soon it will be the 5th day this is happening by the hour:

my throat feels very tight and like something is stuck, my appetite is completely gone, eating and drinking is very difficult, i wanna puke everything out

difficulties breathing and my chest/heart is painful, i have heart palpitations. i cannot catch a full breath

seeing a therapist or psychologist is not an option due to increasing Covid cases here, medication isn't an option either due to dependency etc and i can't self harm to let the anxiety flow out

my problem is that i am overthinking a situation and each time i feel slightly hopeful, i start blaming myself even i don't want to and i start thinking of the worst. and i constantly get too nice dreams which leaves me waking up in a state of disappointment and panic OR nightmares which worsen my state of mind

i have no control over this situation and everything is telling me to wait, be patient, give space

context: bf is off radar for 3 days +, i called his dad's office without getting the number from bf but from google, language barrier, found out bf is very ill

today will be the 5th day soon and i don't know when will be the right time to call again, if it is a bad move. i'm worried and it is driving me crazy, i cannot function at all

i'm helpless and useless. it is making me feel absolutely horrible

i can't think. i'm crying and depressed and anxiety is through the roof