Recently, I left an abusive relationship with a guy I suspect of having BPD. There were some red flags in the beginning that I didn’t think much of it because I didn’t know much about BPD, I just thought he really liked me. The first week of us dating, he spent $700 on me at the mall and the first time he told me he loved me (VERY early in the relationship) was during the first time we had sex. I thought it was weird, but brushed it off. He later admitted he did this (the shopping spree) because he thought that’s what he had to do to “keep me”. He said he spent the $700 because “he knew he was going to marry me.” He was VERY pushy for sex as well very early in the relationship, as if he was entitled to it. The first few months of the relationship were wonderful. I thought he was the sweetest guy ever, he would bring me food all the time and literally spoil me. Around month 6, his insecurity came out and he started controlling me bit by bit. I was a pole dancer (for fitness only..) and this made him VERY jealous. He told me I had to quit or he was going to have to break up with me. I was raised by either a narcissist or quiet borderline (can’t quite figure it out), so at the time this didn’t seem that odd to me because I had been controlled my whole life. I genuinely felt bad it upset him and I didn’t want him to be insecure. So I quit . Stupid for giving in … I know that now. The next thing he started controlling was what I could wear. He said if I respected him I would not dress in a way that attracted attention. Next, it was the isolation from my family and friends. He would say he didn’t want me around my friends because “they were bad influences” and I could be cheating on him and this made him insecure, he always admitted he was very insecure. This is kind of what makes me think BPD and not NPD because he was very open about being insecure, I don’t thinks narcissist could admit that. We went to college together and he would freak out if we weren’t in all the same classes because he thought I was talking to guys and cheating on him. He demanded that I send him photos of my surrounding area when in a class that he wasn’t in. He would question me ALL THE TIME about my loyalty and accuse me of cheating even though I was always loyal and he had no reason to think otherwise. He got so bad to the point that he said I could only drink water or he would kick me out of his apartment we were living in together. I am diagnosed Bipolar I and he said it was because “when I drank sugary drinks my mood was unstable” and that “he hates women who drink coke.” He would often have TANTRUMS. During these tantrums, he would lock himself in his bathroom and bawl his eyes out saying that I was going to abandon him and would give me the silent treatment often. I never understood where this fear of abandonment came from because I never threatened to leave him and I was very consistent in my actions/words. It did not matter how much reassurance I gave him, it was always “you’re gonna leave me all alone.” We would often get in fights because of his control over me and when we made up he would say “we have to have sex now so I know you’re not leaving and that we’re okay”. I was not always in the mood and sometimes would say no because I didn’t want to at the moment, but that we were not on bad terms.  He would BEG until I gave in. After we had sex, the fear of abandonment would be gone and he acted like everything was normal. He need a lot of sex all the time because he said “it shows that I love him” and that I won’t leave. He became very emotionally abusive towards me and would call me stupid over dumb things (like if I didn’t understand something on the math homework) and degrade me. He would tell me he hated me and that we should’ve never met. Shortly after, he would all of a sudden change his mind and say that he loved me and that he was sorry but “he couldn’t help his anger.” We would fight just about everyday. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him every second. The slightest thing could trigger an extreme emotional reaction. One time, I was sleeping and had a 8 am class in the morning. He stayed up all night playing video games most of the time and this night he came to bed at 4 AM. He tried to have sex with me and I said no because I was sleeping and had to be up early. He became enraged instantly and said this exactly “if I can’t have sex with my own girlfriend I might as well go fuck some hoe.” I cried and he just gave me the silent treatment. He said that in a relationship I owe him sex whenever he wants it because “he is a guy and needs it.” He was manipulative in just about every way, not just sexually. He told me that if I did not let him sleep with other women he would have to leave me because he is not satisfied with one woman because of how young we were (18 and 18). He said if I cannot provide him with the sex he needs, we are not sexually compatible. Therefore, if we are not sexually compatible we are not compatible at all in the relationship and he would have to leave. He could be HORRIBLE and abusive at times, then the sweetest person on earth the next. He would always come up with certain acts I had to do in order to “prove I wasn’t leaving”. This got exhausting. I was constantly having to prove I wasn’t going to leave him by doing something for him. He also misinterpreted my emotions a lot. If a text message I sent did not sound “lovey enough” as he phrased it, I was going to abandon him and I did not love him anymore. I would comfort him as best I could and tell him that I love him and that he was not reading me correctly, and he would ignore me for hours. Eventually, he would talk to me again and act as if everything was normal. When he would have his tantrums and be locked in his bathroom, he would cry and I would ask him to let me in so I could console him and he wouldn’t respond to me. He would scream and bash his head into the wall and say he hates himself and he’s worthless and he hates the way he looks and that I’m going to leave him. He would sit in the bathroom for HOURS. Then come out, and go back to normal. It was the craziest thing I had ever seen. If my tone, facial expression, body language etc wasn’t just the way he needed it to be, he would freak out and assume the worst. One time when we lived together, I was sitting in our bedroom drinking out of a straw and this SET HIM OFF. He went on a long rant about how 5 year olds drink out of straws and how I need to grow up and not act like a child. He threw the straw out of my drink and told me to go get it, like I was a dog. I have a problem where I laugh when I get nervous and I just started laughing really hard and this pissed him off even more. He put his hands around my neck and choked me for a good while as I tried to frantically get away. Eventually, he let go and immediately started crying saying he was sorry and that he just couldn’t help his anger and that it wouldn’t happen again. He told me I couldn’t tell anyone. I told my mom, (the covert narc/quiet Bpd) of course she dismissed it and said I need to figure it out and it wasn’t her problem. Another time he asked if I was hungry and I said yes, so he suggested we go get something to eat. When we got in the car he asked what I wanted and I told him I was okay with anything he wanted and that he can pick (I always had to pick bc he never would). He told me I’m so stupid I can’t even figure out what I want to eat. I was being quiet the whole car ride (eggshell feeling) and eventually I said let’s just get Wendy’s. So we got the food, he pulls up and gets it, then immediately pulls up to the trash can and throws it away and said he hates that place. When we got home he said he just wants to break up and after me asking him why and crying he looked emotionless. Like he didn’t care I was upset and was annoyed. Then, he snapped out of it and said he loves me and doesn’t want to break up actually. Another time, he wanted to try something new during sex that was known to be VERY painful. I said yes bc I didn’t want to hear his complaints and claims that I don’t love him
Because I won’t do it. But, we made the agreement he could try and if it was too painful he had to stop. He agreed to this. Of course, it hurt very bad and I asked him to stop. He became angry immediately and grabbed me by my wrists and pinned me down on the bed and screamed in my face that I only cared about myself and that I was a bitch just like my mother. He grabbed me by the hair and would not let me leave. I told him I wanted to leave his house and he said not until I apologize. He took my car keys and phone away to where I could not get them and continued to hold me down. He also put my clothes out of reach so I couldn’t leave. I eventually apologized so I could leave and got my things and left. I ran out of his house and he could sense my anger and as I drove off he ran in front of my car and then texted me pissed off saying I ran over his toe, I did not. I told him he made me uncomfortable and to leave me alone. I told my mom about this, she didn’t really care still but I told her he may come to our house (I live w my parents) and that if he does not to let him in. At 1 am, he drove to my house in November (it was freezing) and banged on my door &amp; knocked for an hour straight. He texted me while he was outside saying “you’re awful you left me outside in the cold” playing the victim. My mom eventually called him because he wouldn’t go away and he got testy with her and said it was none of her business and that he was just going to break in through a window. He didn’t thankfully and went home but it was insane. I would break up w him and be forced to get back together because he would blackmail me/guilt trip me. One time when I left him he came to my house when my parents weren’t home and grabbed my pills off my nightstand and started stuffing them in his mouth saying he wanted to kill himself because he didn’t want to live without me. I was throwing the pills on the floor trying to get them away from him and I gave in and got back with him because
Of this. These are just a FEW examples of why I think he has BPD. Opinions please? Is this a disorder like I’m thinking or does he just have anger issues? Really looking for answers from people who have been in a similar situation. I do need to add that he never had a history of substance abuse, self injury, or reckless behavior until we started dating. During the relationship I noticed: When he slept with other women (during our relationship) he did not use protection any of the times( does this count as reckless?) he said he didn’t like condoms. He would street race but he did drive a sports car so this is probably nothing not normal. The self injury included banging his head into things when we would fight. So, I guess that may fit a couple criteria?