I had a dream I had friends and a girl was interested in me. It wasn’t sexual even it was just very close. Intimate. Then I woke up cold and heard my heater droning on. 

It was so abrupt. I tried to sleep again but my antidepressants make it hard to sleep at all. 

Then I started to panic about not having enough money pay off my bills and rent. Things keep consistently getting worse and after 27 years of it I’m frustrated. 

I’m bored as hell in a job I took to help someone out that makes me feel like an idiot. Low hours so crap pay too. If I had a friend or a boyfriend or girlfriend it wouldn’t be so bad but I’ve always been alone. 

The only people that have ever held me abused me. They still manipulate and talk down to me and I do the same to myself. 

I really wish I could stop it. Just be someone else who isn’t broken. I wish someone could understand why death sounds so much easier and merciful. 

Overall I’ve lived 100% alone for 3 years. Some in college and this year. No friends, lovers, no one. 

I hate that I’m mentally strong. Part of me thinks there’s hope but its ridiculous. Its in my blood to be a monster or a failure and I’m both. I wish I could be someone else.