Cw: self-harm, suicide talk, eating disorder

Hey, everyone. I'm ok right now, as in not suicidal, just need to talk about this and calm down a bit. 

So, I'm completely wasted right now. I have no money, one meal left, no friends, lost some of my stuff, no ID card, debt, no job, no therapy,  fp is gone bc I'm stupid, my mom isn't doing good, "lost" puppy had birthday last weekend, and much more... I'm basically all alone and waiting for sweet death. 

Last weekend it finally cracked somewhere in my head and I self-harmed. I felt like I need to do this a few weeks but I resisted. As always I stayed all day home for a few days to get a free mind before starting to make new plans to improve my life. Tomorrow, or later since its already 2am in my place, I wanted to go to my bank to get a new card with my birth certificate.

But half an hour ago I realised that my biggest fear came true. My kneecap popped out on the weekend. I already have problems with it, it rarely hurt but I wasn't able to run. But now it looks off and my bandage doesn't fit anymore. I only realised now because I didn't moved a lot the past days and don't really care for my body.

I have no doctor, I don't know where the hospitals are (thank you, weak memory) and since my wrist doesn't look good I don't want to even look out for a hospital. I'm afraid they keep me there. I'm afraid of doctors in general. Especially for my knee, and anything that can hurt. Since I moved (3 years ago) I have been to the dentist once, but no other doctors, except for forced hospital visits. 

After I sleep I guess I'll start to make new plans and go to a hospital, but that's another wasted day without money and food. I just want to lay in bed and slowly starve to death or something. I'm used to this already, since I only can eat once every two days or so.

Everytime I try to improve something else comes and destroys all the plans I've made. I hate this, I can't anymore. Everytime my brains goes straight up to "end this shit finally". But I don't want to, mostly, and I'm sure tomorrow it will be ok again.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to get this off my chest.