Long short version of this long long story. We've been together on and off (mainly on) since we were 16 and are now 35. We're married with kids. He does stupid things that slowly break my heart every few years. (Looks for a childhood ex with low self esteem and starts convos with them) Although he hasn't done anything with them, to me it's still cheating. How far would it have gotten if he hadn't got caught when he does. When he gets caught he shuts down and makes it seem like it's ok to be mad and rage at me when he's the one who's doing wrong. He accuses me of "maybe" talking to other men but I told him he's full of shit and only says that bcuz he's the one with a guilty conscience. I literally stay at home with the kids. I had a job but lost it due to the pandemic. I don't have a social life.  I feel like an idiot for being here married to this man. Financially we can't just up and move out away from each other. I'm very private and keep things bottled up inside until I can't contain them anymore. I know it's terribly unhealthy but I've tried to see a psychiatrist who only prescribed Xanax for my anxiety and asked weird questions that have nothing to do with how I'm feeling. I'm not heard. I've felt lonely in my home for years yet pretend I'm ok for my kids and family. I'm drowning. Tonight my blood pressure shot up a bit and cried and told him "Why do you continue to so stupid things to me. Is it worth it to lose me or see my children hurt bcuz their mom cries?" I really don't understand why he does these things and honestly he keeps it to himself and won't even tell his friends. His friends are actually great friends who are family oriented and always tell him how he shouldn't ever lose me. Yet he still continues to treat me like shit every few years or so when he goes into his Mid-Life crisis mood. On top of it all I have an autoimmune disease and I feel like bcuz I "look normal and fit looking" sometimes ppl fail to see I'm literally suffering in pain also. I don't tell my parents or family these issues. I don't like ppl in my business or feeling bad for me or worrying about me but I feel like I can't anymore. I feel like I'm being so fake with myself and others. I'm such a caring and sensitive being. I'm the one everyone comes to when they have problems. I listen. But I'm too embarrassed to have someone listen to me. Lately I've been asking myself "Why am I always crying?" I'm just sad to be here. It sounds so bad but I am. Not in like I want to harm myself way but more like a why do I go thru these things.