The anger I feel in regards to my fp is so bad, like it's unbearable. Honestly I feel bad because she basically has to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting me. Like it's everything, from her not looking at me a certain way or saying something too suggestive about some celebrity or ANYTHING AT ALL will set me off. The splitting is crazy, it's literally after everything. She could just so much look at me a weird way and I'll split so hard and start an argument that lasts for the rest of the evening

Honestly it's just been getting bad, I don't know how to stop it. My therapist recommended some DBT resources but it's hard for me to stop and really think about what I'm saying/plan to say. I'm a very impulsive person when it comes to what I say. So it's difficult for me to contemplate.

I don't know, I mean, she's really my first healthy relationship ever. We've been dating since November but she wasn't my fp then, my best friend at the time was. When that ended, the obsession really shifted onto her, and it was great at first, no fighting or anything. But I remember splitting on her for the first time, and ever since I've been having episodes every day almost. Some nights it's alright, but it's like my BPD is waiting and tapping its foot to see when she'll say something that'll set me off.

I don't want to ruin my relationship with her, I've been immature in past relationships and really fucked things up. I'm (mostly) untreated in my BPD, I go to a therapist but he doesn't really know how to help me. He says he "doesn't believe in labels" (although I was diagnosed last year??) 

I think the main thing is trying to keep my girlfriend around, honestly I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have her. She's the only positive influence in my life and treats me better than anyone ever has. But I guess deep down I feel like I don't deserve it. Like somehow my past defines me.

I just see myself as evil. I see myself as some horrible thing, and I know I'm just a person, but I'm fucked up. And the things I've done, said, is fucked up. I used to not have any self-awareness, and now that I do, I'm not even fully aware of everything I did when I was oblivious.

I don't want to lose my gf though, she's really the only thing holding me to this life at this point. The battle I've been fighting in my mind has gone on for so long and will continue to go on for as long as this disorder exists in my brain. 

My gf has seen all the worst parts of me, she knows everything I've done, and still loves me. And I'm so eternally grateful for her, I know I'm fucked up but she makes me feel human. I wish I was normal, I wish I hadn't hurt the people I did, I wish I wasn't known for being fucked up. I want to erase myself in the minds of other people and start over.