I've actually felt pretty 'meh' regarding Christmas this year. I think it's mainly because I'm an adult now who can afford my own stuff anyways and it's not like I miss my relatives and am dying to hang out with them this weekend. 

I also realized it's likely because of my borderline. I was officially diagnosed like three months ago and since then it's been pretty constant moments of realizations regarding basically everything in my past and present. One of them being that whenever I feel stressed or pressured I fuck everything up majorly all at once. I can't recall one single night before Christmas Eve (which is when we celebrate in Sweden, the 24th), that hasn't ended in me panicking or crying because I've fought with my mom over cleaning or whatever. She always want everything to be cookie cutter perfect and rages when it isn't (pretty much like me to be fair though but I don't think she realizes it). I don't want to spend the day and evening dressed up and watching my family get drunk and annoying and then open gifts and eat gross food. I'd rather spend the day at work in my ugliest most comfortable outfit to be honest. Which I'm seriously considering at this point, since I had a huge meltdown about this just yesterday.