I hate BPD. It makes life so hard. I’m so damn lonely. And last night I just dissociated very intensely. Nothing felt real. I didn’t feel real. I was splashing my face with water, exercising and eating cold things trying to come back to reality. I don’t know if other people with BPD can relate, but I have this idea in my brain that the only way I can be successful is if I achieve fame and fortune and have the validation of tens of thousands enjoying my work(I want to be a filmmaker). And if I achieve anything less than that, I would have failed. And here’s another problem: I want to be a filmmaker and I love watching films, but sometimes it can trigger me to dissociate. When it starts to happen, everyone begins to feel like a character and life begins to feel like a plot. The line between fake and real becomes very blurry. How do I pursue my passion in a way that won’t wreck me? And how do I stop thinking in such a way where I don’t think I’ve failed if I don’t achieve immense fame and fortune.? I believe in myself but I don’t know if it’s me experiencing feelings of grandiosity sometimes, and I despise that. 