I hate when I open up and people say that. “Get help” puts the responsibility solely on me. Might as well say “figure it out for yourself”. If that’s all you can say don’t say anything and just listen. 

Help is for people with money. I have a good job with good benefits, and still it would cover maybe 2 and a half sessions. Help is expensive. Not to mention most practices aren’t accepting new clients. 

I have done everything I can for myself. I quit smoking weed, I started exercising and going for runs everyday. I only drink coffee on weekends. I have started eating regularly and healthier, not overeating or eating poorly. Im in some of the best shape I have been in 15 years.

I have tried doing things for me by myself. I’ve tried to enjoy my own company. I still hate myself. I’m a good looking, healthy, kind person, but I fucking hate myself. 

To me there’s three crucial things you need to be happy:
1. To have an occupation that satisfies you
2. To live somewhere that can preoccupy you and that you can cherish
3. To have a support group like friends and family. 

Missing one of those things can prevent you from being happy. Happiness is the sum of the balance we achieve in life. 

I have the first two. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. But I moved 4000 km away from home to get it, and now I’m missing the third. It’s excruciating. I’m so happy at work and then I just come home and am so alone. I lack the social skills to make friends and it further exacerbates my social anxiety. Im ghosted on tinder every time I find someone to talk to. I’m scared to ask my work friends to hang out in case they don’t want to. 

The worst part is feeling fine, feeling like you’re getting over it. Just to come crashing down to earth when you realize you haven’t fixed it all. 

I could never take my life, but god damn it there are days I wish I wasn’t here.