My partner ended our 7 year relationship a few days ago. I knew things had been getting bad over the course of a year. I moved back in with my mom after admitting that I was having intense suicidal thoughts and a half assed plan. I haven't been able to work for almost a year because of my illness. I've had depression for as long as I can remember and I've never gotten a good grasp on how to live a normal life. I struggle with expressing my feelings because they don't make a lot of sense to me. I feel like most people in my life have a hard time communicating as well and that's never been easy. Last year a close friend broke my heart and my trust with a huge betrayal and I still haven't healed from it. I think the year that followed had me confused about people's intentions and I still don't know how to recognize sincerity. I've tried many medications since that incident, even took a genetic test to see which drugs would be beneficial and which ones to avoid. I've been on a med for a month now and I'm really struggling with anhedonia. I drag myself out of bed for a few cigarettes but don't do much else. The night I was dumped I ingested a handful of random anti-anxiety pills but it wasn't enough to end me. I woke up the next day feeling defeated and wobbly. I couldn't speak clearly for nearly a day. I gave all the pills I have to my mother because I wanted her to know that I won't try it again. My partner admitted that they are frustrated with my inability to be happy and can't handle my severe depression anymore. I see my therapist once a week and my psychiatrist once a month. I'm doing the things I think will help me cope with my pain but people are leaving me so often. Depression is discussed but never understood or treated properly. It's such a shame that we fight this battle with very few answers or patience from our "support system". I have never felt more useless as  a person ever in my life. I don't talk to many people about my personal hell because I've found that it's scary for other people and they don't know how to approach the situation. Everything is crumbling around me and it's my fault because I can't be happy, confident, care free.