I think ive finally given up. I’m def at the point where I don’t care anymore. I don’t even eat anymore. Ive lost 50lbs in a handful of months. Idk how long. Ive lost track of time. 

Today my wife went with me to a walk in clinic and I was so angry at everyone. And I know it’s because I hate myself. I told her the lady at the dr should prob deserve to die or be punched. Wife said “what about you? What if someone said that about you?” And my reply? I shrugged, “I deserve to be dead too.”

I started crying because I got to wondering if I could call 911 just to come get my body if I died so my mom or wife wouldn’t have to be the ones to find it, then realized how fucked up of a thought that was. 

I haven’t self harmed in years and people think I’m “better” for it.

I guarantee I’m no better. 

I hate myself so much that I can’t be nice anymore. 

I don’t know how to talk to people.  I am physically sick like fever everything and I’m still worried no one will believe I’m sick and laugh at me and not help me. 

I feel like I prob have cancer or something because I’m coughing up black stuff constantly but I feel like there’s no point in going to doctor. I don’t even have one… went to three urgent care today just to get someone to swab me for COVID. And I’m a fucking nurse too. Like wtf…. I’m nothing but a hypocrite. I tell people to take their meds every damn day and can’t even be bothered to take mine or go to a doctor because I seriously have myself convinced they won’t believe me and will call me a liar or lazy or that I’m being a baby and nothings wrong with me aside from how everyone else feels and I’m just weak.

I don’t even know or believe if my wife likes me anymore even though she tells me  and I believe she loves me. 

It’s like my damn mother all over. She loves me because she has to, doesn’t mean she likes me.  

I honestly don’t believe anyone’s ever liked me.  Idk… 

Wife told me it’s better to tell someone how you feel than no one and idk maybe this is a start or maybe it’s a mistake.

I just keep typing long things and thinking them over and second guessing them and deleting them. 

Now my keyboard is lagging so I’m stopping now.