I feel like a disappointment. My academic life used to be so vibrant; I loved learning how to learn. I even accelerated my studies and became top of my grade. Then symptoms of my bipolar began to intensify and I feel like I totally fucked up. I've been consumed by guilt and disappointment ever since. I'm so ashamed because I feel like only a fraction of who I used to be, that I'm already mentally gone and all that remains is the husk of my body. I can't even stand the feeling of my skin against my bones., I've tried to commit multiple times. Me as a person has been isolated from me as an observer ever since my diagnosis. I know my younger self would have been so disappointed and I can't help but feel like I've let myself down in so many ways. I have swung between extremities for so long and I'm exhausted, I can't think or focus because I'm in agony all the time. Eventually, I had a really bad crash and my cognitive abilities finally shut down. I went into a catatonic state that I didn't even know was possible. I couldn't speak, much less write or do any kind of critical thinking. I think if I took a PET scan during that time I would probably have minimum brain activity. In some twisted way, it was almost cathartic, like I was finally free; I could just exist, free from the crushing weight of my instability. But I can't help but mourn my past, I hate who I've become individually and in school and I feel pessimistic about the future. I don't really want to do anything and I'm tired of just pushing through. Most of all I'm embarrassed, especially in front of my friends, teachers, and family. I don't know how to continue. Has anyone else gone through this? How have you managed to keep holding on for so long? I don't want to do this alone, most people don't understand the struggles of this illness. I feel so demotivated, I'm waiting to become part of the 10%. I can't take back my lost time, I just want to be myself again.