I have a problem with jealousy and I can’t make it go away. It’s fueled by my paranoia and the fear that my loved ones will leave me. I 100% have abandonment issues that I’d rather not get into. 

Also, Let me make it clear, I’m not controlling or anything because of this. I don’t let these feelings or thoughts hurt the people around me. I just keep them to myself because I’m aware that they make me a bad person (especially if I act on them). I would never keep my loved ones from leaving me. It’s just hurts and makes me have jealous intrusive thoughts. I really try to not be a bad person.

Whenever my roommate (my only non relative friend) leaves the house to hang out with her other friends it hurts me so bad. It feels like she cares more about them than me. I get so jealous and as a result I get thoughts about how much I hate her. How much I hate her friends. It’s disturbing, I know that. It happens with my sibling as well but they never leave the house without me so I get it less with him.

I know my friend is going to abandon me. I know it. She talks about moving out and stuff and I just feel so angry towards her. I get such horrible thoughts about her but they aren’t true. I often think about how much better I would be without her. How it would be easier if I never met her. Sometimes my thoughts are even worse than that. These thoughts almost always a direct reaction to sad emotion/thought about being abandoned or my loved ones liking other people more than me. I even get jealous of my siblings online friends. I feel like he liked them more than me. Like they would leave me for those friends without a second thought. 

I constantly want to be with my friend and sibling. When one of them is gone I feel like they want to leave me and hate me. I especially get jealous when the two of them hang out without me. Even if I willing leave to go to the bathroom I feel jealous. There was a time where they worked together when I was waiting to start working there and I was so paranoid. I truly convinced myself that the two of them were going to run off without me. 

I also have serious codependency issues. I can’t leave the house without people with me and genuinely don’t think I could survive on my own (also due to other mental health issues). 

I’m sorry this post is so long! 

Is this normal? What can I even do about it?