A quick warning but I am horrible at grammar and telling stories so I’m really sorry if this is confusing to anyone.


So let me start out with some back story I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 20 we live together and we’ve been together for two years (I know not a long time) and I did cheat on my boyfriend when we were on and off and I told him later on when I was ready and let me tell you cheating on my favourite oerosn cause I was super drunk (which is no excuse) but it drive me to madness I felt like I just needed to off myself and while I was hiding it from him it was so hard and I ended up going through I really large breakdown and I decided to cut up my face and arms and went to the hospital and did that whole thing because I felt like I just didn’t deserve anything I didn’t deserve to be pretty I didn’t deserve to be a living human being and all that stuff. So eventually I tell him we had a really big argument because he didn’t believe me when I told him how I felt and why I did it even though i was telling him everything and time passed and he decided that he loves me so much that he doesn’t want this relationship to end and that alone like made me really happy even though to this day I felt like I didn’t deserve it he told me we can make it work I just need to build his trust for me and prove so I do I work hard to show him that I really had butterflies for him even though I see him everyday and I made him home cooked meals I cleaned for him and would wash his hair for him and hold his head in my lap and then one day aka yesterday I see something on tiktok just to see who like has your boyfriend followed and don’t get me wrong I don’t care but I was curious and I seen some girls and even though I didn’t have a right I got a little self conscious and I asked him for his phone and first from a distance I see him delete a icon from his phone that looked like tinder and then he goes and deleted his search history and that’s what he told me that he was just deleting his history but I know what I saw and then he passed me his phone and I see these messages of him and this girl that we both know and she sent him videos and he was saying all this stuff and then they were talking about doing something and then he was telling her how hard she got him and then was messaging another girl saying she’s just so gorgeous and then to one of the girls on his snap saying like “if you were on the ground looking for your glasses dressed as Velma I would die happy” and then he messaged one of my friends saying that shirt hair makes her look so beautiful and mind you this was my fucking friend and even though I don’t have right or I feel I don’t have a right to be upset I’m fucking stunned like I’m so hurt that it’s so hard to cry and I feel the chest pains and I just I worked so hard for him just to find out he was texting all these girls that we knew and even hung out with all these things like what the actual fuck but now I’m just so lost like do I move out? Do I give him a chance? I put in so much effort but now what do I do just continue things normally? Do I even have a right to be upset? Like my mind is lost and my emotions are just I don’t even know what the hell they are doing