I always thought if I reached a certain weight I’d magically feel happy, but slowly I’m realizing it was a lie. It was all a delusion in my head.
I know this because around the same time last year I weighed 35kg, was extremely underweight and visibly sick. I’d spent most of my days overdosing on anxiety medications and sleeping since it was a side effect and the rest of my time was spent smoking so I’d lose the 10% if appetite I had left.
And let me just tell you, I felt awful. I felt so bad and self harmed everyday. I hated every inch of my body and deprived myself so much to the point where even water scared me and I couldn’t take my meds since I’d ‘gain weight’. 
I just wanna say this to anyone who thinks reaching a certain weight will make them happy, you’re sooooo wrong...
So wrong because what you lack is deeper than just a number on the scale, you lack something much deeper and that’s self love. At some point of your life someone or some event made you believe that you’re not good enough and so you resorted to this, you resorted to depriving yourself or overeating and purging. Well, nothings ever going to make you feel better as long as you try to fill the void in yourself through your food intake.
You need to address your issues head on and face your fears, don’t let this disease take of a hold of your life like it did to mine. Don’t lose yourself because of other people’s opinions. Just try to understand what caused your self hate and maybe someday you could solve that issue instead of trying to fill this hole in yourself with crap that’s only gonna make it bigger at the end.