So I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for about a year and a half now. To clarify my relationships have always lasted at most a year, because I fall in love with the idea of them and then realise they’re actually assholes to me. Before I even met my current partner I was head over heels, he was cute, he could carry me around, ect. And about a month after we met we started dating. 

It took about the usual three months for me to realise that maybe I’m not in love with him, but the idea of him. I had the usual period of feeling empty and numb, I loved the affection and intimacy but did I really love him? I kept going with the relationship because he was actually nice to me and I craved positive affection. 

Well yesterday, I realised that I am actually very very in love with him, like I love HIM, not just the idea of him, and he loved me. At this realisation I almost started crying, because I was scared, and overwhelmed. Because if I truly love him, then I’m very vulnerable to having my heart broken, I’m open to having the first time I’m actually in love taken from me. I’m so scared of this vulnerability that I don’t know if I should break up with him.

Note: I don’t really feel emotions properly, I can hardly tell what I’m feeling or if I’m feeling anything at all. I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with him for at least half a year but didn’t realise it as all emotions are like jumbled messes to me. I don’t know if this is because of my BPD or my autism, maybe even both. 
I fall in love fast then realise I never actually loved them once the excitement wears off.