CW for: SA, SH, drugs, animal cruelty, suicide

When we met he was an incel and I helped him get out of the extremely awful group of people he was surrounded by, and he changed his entire worldview. I see a lot of potential in everyone I meet and I love helping everyone. My downfall, I know. 

The day after he 1st left he ‘needed to have some fun’ got drunk and flirted with a girl at a party but she ignored him for his friend (LMFOAOSK). He was upset while telling me. Not guilty. Never apologized. When I did the same thing after him he went off on me. Then came back saying he’s so sorry, how he’s such a piece of sh•t and only ever cares about himself. I of course forgave him. 

Everything was going good while we were dating again but occasionally he’d bring up another girl, saying how ‘funny’ she looked— when she’s literally just a regular conventionally attractive white girl. I know I’m hot, but all my WOC know the feeling of them always being picked over us.

I didn’t think anything of it at the time since I still trusted him. Even after he told me that years ago, she said she was going to f•ck him. In his defense, ‘I think she was just joking. She has a boyfriend now. I barely talk to her anymore and I don’t really like being friends with girls anyway.’

Until he kept doing it over and over, just saying the same thing about her appearance while smiling. In the middle of conversations with me. I eventually told him to stop and he apologized, but then said ‘it hurts me how much you don’t trust me.’

When he’s the one who wouldn’t let me be friends with, talk to, or follow/vice versa any guys on social media. But he could be friends with girls. Right….

He thanked me for telling him but then made me feel guilty in the same breath for not talking to him about it sooner and wanting space. I of course brushed it off, but had problems with communicating after this.

I would find him otp with another girl for hours; just the two of them. This didn’t bother me at all, I was just really grateful he had a support system because he deserved it. Until her friends would joke about her stealing him from me, and he wouldn’t say ANYTHING. He told me later on that she would call him hot ‘and [other] stuff’ repeatedly and he told her to stop but didn’t cut her off for it. 

Fast-forward he ends up cutting her off not for calling him hot, but for suicide-baiting when he said he was going to leave as she wouldn’t listen to his problems. But yes, I’m ‘the only woman I need to comfort me.’

Again, I brushed it off. I know.

Now, before we started dating I explicitly warned him that my mental health is a literal heaping pile of fermented donkey dogsh•t and it’ll be too much for him to handle. He of course said it’s nothing, we’ll be fine.

I hurt myself a lot because everything just made me feel awful, I had other things going on too. He would genuinely get angry at video games for periods at a time, then talk to me with a harsh tone. He didn’t ever say anything mean, just “I’m FINE.” Really aggressively. This made me just think about all the people who’ve abused me and I shut down. 

Each time I’d promise not to hurt myself again and that I’d tell him, but as you can imagine I was scared to.

One time I ended up going back to drugs because it was just too much. He made me promise I wouldn’t do it again after he cried about being scared for me, and I never went back. But I was going through withdrawals. I’d told him that I was multiple times. 

Since we got together he would always want to be otp with me as much as possible if we weren’t able to be together at the time. I’m going to the doctor? I have to take him with me. The store or nail salon too. Grabbing mail? He’s coming. I thought it was sweet but eventually it was just suffocating, especially with withdrawals. 

Once I didn’t text him back for 30 mins and he called me 5 times and left 30 texts. It was around this time that he told me before we started dating how he’d SA a girl. How she said no, stop, but he groped her. He didn’t express any remorse.

I was trafficked when I was 14. He comforted me about it So. Many. Times. Among other awful things. So this just completely disgusted me and made me distance myself even more. I was beyond irritated with everything he did. 

I wanted to leave so badly, but was scared what he might do. If he might hurt himself or me, since he also told me about how he verbatim ‘killed a mouse out of impulsivity and watched the life leave its eyes.’ (He wasn’t shocked or startled by its presence, he told me.)

THANKFULLY he did the work for me, and left me for the 4th? Time. Said that he’d been thinking about it for days but never told me and lied when I asked if everything was okay.

Told me how he was scared I might kill myself if he left and that’s partly why he stayed. Sure, I said that he was one of the only things besides my cat keeping me here and he would say the same thing back, but as Logan Paul said, “I made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgement.” It was just sad b•tch hours. I wouldn’t kill myself over a Man.

His reasoning for leaving me being that we both have things we need to work on— I don’t seem interested in the relationship anymore and always irritated. Gee, I wonder why. All of those flimsy excuses were fixable but I didn’t mind, I was glad to be rid of him until the dopamine withdrawals. 

‘We both have things we need to work on’ later translated into him changing his bio not even two weeks later, talking about how he wants a specific kind of girl who is the exact opposite of me. Then making his profile picture said girl when he never did the same for me because, “I don’t want anyone looking at or perceiving you.” How he wants a girl who chainsmokes. Ironic considering he knows how much I struggle with my sobriety, smoking, and that smoking is what killed my dad. But :D

Honestly after typing this all out I only feel resentment for him and just pure disgust since seeing it written out is more impactful. It makes how awful he was digestible and not feel like just a figment of my imagination.

The original title was ‘I’m disgusted with myself for still loving and wanting him.’ But now I realize that he was never truly mine, and I deserve so much more 

Also I’m not trying to act like I didn’t do anything wrong and it’s all on him. We are both mentally ill and he knew the extent of my issues since we’d been close friends for years. I warned him several times. But people are allowed to change their mind whenever. I’m glad he did and set me free.

A big thing I’m wondering is if what he was doing was cheating. If anyone could give me an answer.