I'm packing to go to the stress center. I'm worried about a lot of stuff and while I'm not suicidal right now, I've been suicidal a few times a day for the past few weeks and I've hurt myself for the first time in years during an argument with boyfriend. I'm packing right now because I'm almost out of candy and when my surplus of candy is gone, I will start to panic again.

Do you ever feel like you're an animal in a trap and that the self harm isn't so much to get attention as it is like gnawing your arm or leg off to get out of the trap? There are times in an argument when, if I'm not being listened to or my needs are being disregarded, that I feel that the only way to get out is to hurt myself. I was watching Stranger Things and she talked about the monster and about sharks and blood in the water and sometimes when people argue with me for a long time, whenever an argument starts up, it's like the part of me that takes over and wants to hurt me smells that blame and anger like blood in the water and will only be pacified if I hurt myself or find the source and rip it out.

I've been keeping up with doing my laundry and feeding and walking my dog, caring for a sick rat, and it's just a lot of pressure with sick and angry bf on top of that and my mom suddenly leaving her kids with abusive husband who tried to strangle her and I was really hoping to have a relationship with my little brother and sister but now it looks like I never will. Mom isn't answering her texts, I'm having irregular bleeding and cramps (sorry tmi) and I'm just scared and stressed and feel close to my animals but like I am ultimately going to fail them and myself and that I'm incompetent and irrational and a shitty person that needs to be erased. Ugh.

