
A little background: this year i've lost my closest friends, a bunch of family problems, academic problems, financial problems, love problems, i lost myself. overall a shit ton of shitty things happened.

It was a whirlwind of emotions for the past few months. My goal was just to have peace. That was all i wanted. Today after waves of overwhelming feelings, for the first time I felt peace. I am not beaming with joy or consumed with loneliness. I just am. For the first time, I am ok just the way I am. There's no voice that's continually telling me "I need to do better" or "I need to improve more". The things I do, even when it's not perfect... theyre just the things i do. I am here in my own terms. And it is ok. And it's also how I interact with the few people (family) i have no choice but to interact with; in my own terms. No impressing. When my room was a mess, I would feel really angry to the point that I'd honestly hate myself. And it would be a domino effect to "You'll never amount to something, you cant even clean your room". Right now, my room situation is not so clean but I don't feel angry to myself about it. Second thing, I'm in a relationship and I dont really feel the need to contact her everytime. It was hard at first, to give her space. But i've found out that it's what I also want. The space for me. To not obsess, to develop, to grow.. in my own terms and not too much impressing the other person to the very littlest details that frankly don't really matter.

Still I'm not perfect. I know I'm not. But this peace feels so foreign. That i think i dont know what to do about it. Idk if this is mania or something real but i came to the question: Why bother with progress when this was my only goal: peace of mind. Why bother? Why should i?

It seems like a very sad question but it really is not hahaha. Im hoping for a more philosophical take on this. Thanks