I’m exhausted. 
I feel like I’m always walking on a tight rope between getting better, wanting to die, getting back up again, doing better, recycle recycle reycle. It’s exhausting “being better” for a whole three months only to just fall into this pit again. 
My therapist says I’m the one who doesn’t have to allow myself to go back there, but literally half the time I want to because I’m so fucking bored. Who am I even getting better for? It’s certainly not myself anymore. 

I’m contemplating checking myself into a psych ward because I’m so so so exhausted... and pandemic doesn’t make it any better. And yet again, I’m still having PTSD from my last hospitalization!!!! 

I hate to make this a “woe is me” pity party situation but like..... I am just so tired. I’m also getting back into smoking daily again and drinking more and just feel as if I’m back to bottom again.

I used to be honest with my psychiatrist and therapist but now I just hear the same fucking thing and can predict what they say before they even tell me. So at this point I just fake appreciating their advice and help. I’m just so numb now 

Thanks for hearing my rant. don’t know what I need but I guess just some validation rn that I’m not alone