I’ve always been an extremely anxious person, but until recent years, it wasn’t solely because of my intelligence. When I was younger, I was considered fairly bright and told so often. However, being smarter than average in freaking primary school does not transfer over to adulthood. I know a lot of people say they were “gifted” when they were younger, but the rest are going to catch up and may/will surpass you. 

I definitely feel like that was the case for me. I did decent in high school and in college, but it didn’t come naturally for me anymore. I always took the longest on tests/essays and had to study for hours and hours on things that most people didn’t. I find it difficult to retain information and I’m notoriously forgetful. Every time I do something that requires even the tiniest of brain power, my heart races and all I can think about is how stupid I am. I’ve given up on countless subjects and hobbies that I was interested in because of this extreme fear that I can’t learn no matter how hard I try. 

It certainly doesn’t help that peers/colleagues in the past have insulted my intelligence over the past few years, but my insecure brain is equally as cruel. I know that if I was suddenly considered “smart” again, I would never believe it. It feels like I’m at a point of either getting worse, or remaining the same. 

No matter what I achieve in life, whether in my career or in relationships, this constant notion that I am below average sheds a dark  shadow over any prospects of happiness. 

As previously stated, this is all I can think about. Becoming a teacher has only worsened this problem. I went to an online college, passed with subpar marks, and now I’m responsible for teaching the next generation on content that I don’t know enough about. I know that these thoughts are keeping me from reaching my potential, but then again, maybe there isn’t any potential there and I’m just telling myself this to feel better.