I got my lisense, graduated highschool, have a stable relationship...but I can't seem to keep going.

It's all about my past. That's it. and it frustrates me that my memories continue to terrorize my life.

Every friend that I've had (other than my boyfriend) has left me for no apparent reason. I know this sounds like i'm begging for attention or twisting the truth...but i'm serious. 
My first friend told me she wanted a break, and then ghosted me. My second friend hung out with me every weekend, and then found someone else who replaced me. After that, I found a group of friends who gave me comfort until they started talking behind my back and I ended up transferring schools to get away from them.
Long story short...basically every friend that i've had has given up on me, for no apparent reason. 
I've never had any fights with them, and nothing has happened to make them leave. 

This shit fucks with my brain everyday...

I can't help but hate myself
I can't help but blame myself
I can't wake up in the morning thinking that i'm a good person, or that i deserve a good life
I can't help but think I'm the one ruining my own life
I can't help but hate myself...

Please!!! Give me some suggestions as to what to do. I don't have money for a therapist, and I don't have many people to talk to. 

I feel like killing myself everyday, but I can't because i have never liked the idea on suicide. It's just too sudden and scary for me. I feel stuck. I hate my life but there's no way to change it.

Please...I just want some help.