last night my partner and i decided to take a “break” so we could focus on each other’s mental challenges before we can comfortably love each other. i know its for the best, but im just hurting so bad.

i had an episode a week ago that lead this break. i got jealous of how close my (LDR at the time) partner was with their friends, and lashed out on them, all while they needed space (it was their finals week and they had other mental stressors). they even respectfully told me about those things, but i still thought they were going to leave. I blew up their phone and caused them more stress during a time where they needed support from me.

Last night, we had a very civil conversation about our relationship, my behaviors in it, and the next steps moving forward. We came to the conclusion that it would be better for us to continue on as friends until we’re both in a place to continue having a healthy relationship. They said they still love me, and that they don’t blame me, they just feel hurt. They still want to talk and hang out, just take things easy. They told me i dont have to worry about them falling into love with someone else. Basically, we’re just continuing the relationship, just without the romance.

We have a lot of love for each other, and i told them that i’m gonna fight to help myself so i can fight to keep this relationship. I know that they want whats best for us, and i know that continuing the relationship WOULD result in a nasty breakup. But i cant help but feel empty, like a piece of me is missing. I know that everyone says this, but what we had was special. I think they recognize that too. But the love i have for them is strong, and although this is just a pause, im just not ready to stop giving it to them.

My obsessive behavior and unhealthy attachment style to my partner is what caused this anyway, and i feel like it what’s causing these feelings now. I know that we’re still friends, and i know this is going to be whats best for us. But i dont know how to make this pain go away. I feel like a shell of a person. 
I know that these feelings just prove i need help. I know that i can exist with my partner being just a friend. But how can i soothe the pain, and keep myself from putting unhealthy amounts of blame on myself?
 
I know that everyone says this, but what we had was special. I think they recognize that too. I want what’s best for them, even if it means not getting what i want. But i just feel awful. I feel disgusted in myself for putting them in that position. I have dbt appointments scheduled for when i get home from college and plenty of therapist appointments too. But how do i go on? I feel selfish. I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way, but i do. And i dont know what i can do to stop it.