I'll start with some context about myself and my FP. I'm a male in the US in my 30's, that's really all you really need to know about me.

We met online during the in Aug of 2020 during the pandemic through a community that would play various games with each other over Zoom. She randomly entered our Zoom one day and she was wearing a sweatshirt of my favorite sports team. I immediately DMed her in the Zoom and we hit it off. We were born in the same state but neither one of us live there now. She currently lives on the other side of the country so we almost never see each other in person. I spent a weekend with her at her apartment about a year ago and that's the only time we have seen each other in person. We are completely platonic I should note and nothing sexual happened while I was there and I didn't want anything sexual to happen.

We have been able to mostly function these days over text. I text her all the time with just anything I think she would find funny, stuff that goes on in my life, and occasionally when I'm struggling. She has explicitly stated the amount that I text her doesn't overwhelm her. I will hear from her once or twice after couple of days and that is after we talked and she said she would make an effort to text more. FaceTiming has happened in the past, maybe once every couple of months but we have only done that once this year (in August). She has had a rough year too. Car accident, COVID, moving, a 2 month long sinus infection that required surgery, bouts of vertigo, becoming a special education teacher during the teaching shortage while not having a teacher degree, and finally going back to school and taking 3 classes this semester to start getting her teaching degree. She is INSANELY busy these days.

I have found that the moments I start having trouble are when we are trying to plan some quality time together. Last week was her fall break and we had talked about 3 weeks ago that she should be able to hang out with me and I thought watching a show together on Hulu that we watched while I at her place would be a good idea. She was looking forward to doing nothing during fall break and taking it easy. Wednesday of fall break comes and I haven't heard from her in about 4 days and our plans haven't been locked down yet. So I'm getting worried. I get a text from her saying she has been at the school everyday this week working and got unexpected homework from her classes. She would let me know how she felt later in the week. First triggering moment in me. My anxiety started ratcheting up and I knew I could be in trouble.

I hear from her Thursday during the NFL game because we are in the same fantasy football league with some other friends from the Zoom games and we love to complain about our teams lol

Friday comes and I usually do something on Friday nights but I wanted to be flexible for her and let her know that if she only had tonight available to let me know and I could not do my normal Friday night thing. She tells me to go do it because she's going to a birthday dinner with friends. Second triggering moment in me. This one I continue to stew on through Saturday and it gets worse and worse until finally I feel like the feelings are strong enough that I have to tell her. She knows I have BPD/depression/anxiety and she knows I'm her FP. The gist of what I said was that I was frustrated that you have a boyfriend and friends locally that you hang out with at least once or twice a week and I have hung out with you once this year. I felt jealous, hurt, like I didn't matter, and that I am almost never a priority to you. I knew it was the situation she was in and I said I know she didn't do anything wrong. It was just how I felt and I she deserves to know. She texted back that night that she was irritated that she had communicated to me how much she was struggling to prioritize her job, school, boyfriend, friends, and family and that I was making her feel guilty for not being able to hang out with me. She said it was obvious that she wasn't being the kind of friend I needed and we should regroup in a few days. She didn't want to hurt me or make me overthink.

In my opinion she is being EXACTLY the kind of friend I need. She doesn't cave to my attempt for validation because I think most of the texts I send her are seeking a reply for validation. She lives her life and prioritizes herself. She is a self-admitted bad texter that will reply in her mind and then forget to actually reply, but has taken steps to text me more and include me in her life despite how busy she is and how far away she is. I think she is not the friend I want. But the friend I want is not healthy for me and I told her this Sunday morning.

We have given each other gifts for Christmas and Birthdays, I obviously matter to her but the analogy I have used for BPD is that the phrase "no news is good news" becomes "no news is bad news". I was doing surprisingly well Sunday and Monday but today I am a mess and have been crying all day. I haven't texted her since Sunday morning because I know she needs the space.

The most frustrating part of having a FP is that the expectations and things I get upset about in regards to her I don't get upset about with any other friend. Two of my closest local friends are married and I barely talk to and haven't hung out since before the pandemic yet I feel completely stable in my friendship with them. Which is incredibly unfair to my FP. I feel fortunate that I have worked through my BPD so much in therapy that I can see that. And I am proud of myself that all the anger that I feel when I'm struggling with my BPD has never been fully taken out on her. I have expressed frustration but it has been extremely measured and while I did hurt her and make her feel irritated and guilty, it could have been much worse. We have had a couple tense conversations but we have been able to be completely honest and open about our feelings.

But I am terrified that I will never hear from her again. I sent her some low-carb smoked sausages that she really likes that I remember she had at her apartment as an apology gift.

The cherry on top and I think the funniest thing of this whole mess to end on a light note is this:

We play each other this weekend in fantasy football. I think that's a good way to settle our fight lol

TL:DR Had my first fight with my FP that required some time away and I am terrified of never hearing from her again. But something something we play each other in fantasy football this weekend lol