I’m self aware enough and have enough control to not lash out, accuse, control, or abuse my boyfriend. But I still have all the awful thoughts that an abuser would have and I fucking hate it.

If he’s texting I want to ask him who it is. If he’s working late I want to go to his workplace to make sure he’s still there. If he goes out to meet friends I want to follow him. If he leaves his phone out I want to read his texts. And so on and so on. Pretty much everything he does is suspicious when i’m in a bad headspace.

Just now we started a new show that he wanted to watch. The opening scene was a sex scene and I couldn’t handle it, I had to ask my boyfriend to turn it off. I feel that way whenever there’s a sex scene, any mention of sex, innuendo, attractive people, anything. The jealousy and paranoia is overwhelming and it makes me want to hurt myself.

I keep it all inside because I don’t want to dictate what he can and can’t do. I know it’s irrational and I don’t want to accuse him because i know it’s just my BPD/Paranoia convincing me he’s doing something bad. I don’t want to be one of those girlfriends who forbids their partner from talking to other people, who demands to see their phone. But my insecurity and paranoia around sex and the fear of being cheated on or him finding someone better than me is so unbearable. I don’t know what to do. I want to hurt myself right now I just fucking hate being like this