im not diagnosed with bpd, but im very suspicious that i may have it, especially when my thinking is basically black and white
I've been in a relationship for over 2 and a half years and a little after the one year mark I started getting really suspicious of him over the tiniest things I was always convinced he was cheating on me or that he didn't love me and I've split so many times because of it,  like I'd bring up what's bothering me and he'd try and reassure me that nothing bads happening that he's loyal to me and everything, but it never got through to me and I never believed him, I felt angry and miserable and made him out to be manipulative or accuse him of using me for his own advantage and I would really really believe that that was the reality of it id try and break up with him or cut him off but he'd never let me and after ive come back to my senses I'd feel extremely ashamed and realised that there's nothing wrong, that we're perfect for each other and that he's perfect himself and I'd never wanna be without him, and this has been happening so so often and it's so out of my control, and it's been getting worse recently because I've found out something that he's been hiding from me so I've been extremely hurt, and even tho im on medication (sertraline), it won't stop me from going through that love/hate cycle, recently ive essentially 'ended' the relationship multiple times now, to the point where ive started to take down photos off social media, try and announce that I'm single on social media and all sorts of hurtful shit, only to regret it later and realise how stupid that was, last time it happened i looked in the mirror and I just did not even see 'myself' i saw someone who is so evil and malicious, I was feeling confident and like a great person before the split but afterwards I felt the exact opposite
and now I've found out that my splitting is actually getting to him more and more cause he's going through a stressful time, and I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself and I want to stop yet I know it'll happen again and I can't control it
i feel like a toxic person and im writing this feeling like im making up excuses for my awful behaviour but I really just can't control any of it and im surprised he still sees good in me after all that ive done
im scared that im gonna be like this forever and that he'll be stuck with a toxic person like me when he deserves better