Hi.. idk where or how to start but there's so much going on.. I've always been kind of "functional mess" but it keeps getting harder and harder. I have a new awful party trick I can turn on. Let me add I'm relatively new to panic attacks - had my first about 2years ago. 

A while ago I noticed I can do something really awful "on command". I don't know if it's dissociation or if it has a different name but here's what happens. 

I lay down and i try hard to just kinda clear my head, focus on my breathing and my body.. I then somehow fixate on my mind only, I start feeling a fuzzy tingle in my "brain" and I can start to feel like I'm completely losing control over my own body. Kind of like I'm on my way out of it. And then it just rolls over me.. like a blanket of scary black. I feel like I'm suddenly not myself, I feel as if my hands and arms are not mine but just a random pile of meat, I feel existential dread, I feel hopeless and honestly I just feel like I'm "losing it" - i keep rationalizing it while it's happening but its SO HARD to snap out of it. It scares me. It makes me feel like I'm losing touch with reality and then my heart joins the party and finishes me off - cause now I'm hyper focused on the heartbeat.. which makes it worse. And then i suddenly just kinda slowly ground myself through talking out loud and/or walking around the house so i can "reconnect to my body" and escape the endless horrible loops and scenarios in my head of mostly myself going either crazy or having a heart attack. 

So, because I'm too nosy for my own good and wanted to actually assure myself that it was all in my head, I tried it again, this time with one of those watches that measure heart rate. Sure enough, without moving a single muscle I was able to experience the "dark"  and sure enough my heart went from 75 to 125. Enough to make it "a real thing". I can actually bring this shit on without honestly thinking about anything in particular - more like, it happens when i try to think of nothing. What started as me trying to meditate turned into experiencing some really awful  shizz and idk how to not keep thinking about it. 

How the fuck do I live with this?! I only started getting panic attacks 2 years ago and the frequency has only been increasing and I'm just extremely scared and feeling hopeless right now. 
How do i tell myself I'm not gonna die from this? How do i convince myself otherwise when my heart starts to race? It just feels like the more i try to understand what's going on the worse I make it. 

How do i help me?