I was at a (classical music) concert last night. For background, I’m 43, male, BPD since my 20s. I have always wanted to be cultured, and I suppose I am, but sitting in a concert hall in silence for two hours is like a recipe for extreme BPD feelings. Desperately waiting for it to end so that I could walk out into… more of the same.

Last night though, I was able to survive. Somehow I got glimpses of the music the way I used to be able to. I stopped thinking about myself so much, at least for a few minutes at a time, and could hear the music. It helped that I was close to the orchestra and that it was really loud and passionate.

I just stopped grieving and obsessing and going nuts. I didn’t think about my pain. I just let the music happen, really paid attention in an emotional way, not an intellectual way, felt the sounds in my heart (very hard, painful).

It wasn’t all the time. Certainly a chunk was familiar BPD things. But it was really incredible to access something different. Really really hard, even while I was doing it. It wasn’t like abusing substances. More like a really intense therapy session. I honestly felt at times like the world was going to end when I engaged with the music — like I was going to die.

My therapist tells me that my suicidal urges are actually a wish to escape BPD. Listening to the music was like a kind of suicide, in a way — I truly felt that if I gave in to the music I would die, and there was this huge resistance to doing it. But I guess it was so beautiful, and I knew that I had to do something or I would run out of the hall.