It’s all just a bit much tonight and I want to be heard. 

I’m emotionally exhausted. I just finished my fifth week of DBT. I’ve been doing really well. Haven’t missed a session, even on days I didn’t feel like going. I’ve done all my homework, filled out my diary cards every day, and have been actively trying to use my skills often. I’m grateful to be in DBT and I know it is imperative to me getting better. 

But it’s also really hard. It’s taken a great emotional toll. It takes so much energy rewiring my thoughts and erasing habits I’ve had my whole entire life. Sometimes I just wish it were easy. That I was normal. I feel ashamed for saying that, like I’m a whiny baby, but it’s how I feel right now. I know no one has it easy all the time but I just feel like I’m relearning everything. Relearning how to be human, how to do all of the things most people can do without thinking about. 

I’m incredibly lonely. I’m not super close with my family, and I only have one friend. And I’ve been struggling a little with that friend lately. She takes a really long time to text me back. Like days. It’s a struggle because idk if my expectations are reasonable or not. I feel like they aren’t because I have BPD. But everyone has expectations in relationships. How do I know if mine are valid? I don’t need to talk all the time, but it would be nice to do it more frequently. I texted her letting her know I had to put my dog down a couple nights ago and she still hasn’t responded. It makes me feel uncared for and like she doesn’t actually want to be my friend. It hurts. But in the past when I would bring up those doubts, she insisted that wasn’t the case. I want to stick up for myself and be happy in this friendship but I don’t want to ruin it in the process. 

I know it is important for me to be independent. I shouldn’t need outside praise. But honestly, sometimes I really really just want to hear someone say they’re proud of me. I feel like I’m fighting alone. And that’s hard. 

I’m scared that I can’t actually do this. That I can’t actually get better. That it’s simply too hard. 

I want a hug so bad right now.