Long story short, my honorary aunt died yesterday.  She was instrumental in raising me, along with my mother and maternal grandparents.  She is leaving behind three young kids and a husband.  She couldn't have been older than 45 and it was sudden. I'm, for reference, 20 and have lost pretty much everyone I care about either to death or abandonment.  That's a lot of funerals.  And outside of the death of my maternal grandpa when I was 8 as well as a close friend last year (I attempted suicide a few days after that one), I haven't been able to feel anything. It really bugs me, because my mom mentioned that she had thought of swallowing her whole bottle of anti-anxiety pills and was crying all night, while I feel fucking empty.  

Maybe it's just apparent competence making it look like I am being strong right now.  I feel empty whenever I'm not having my horrendous mood swings, though feeling like this now is what hurts me because I want to feel now, yet can't.  I'm just wondering how other borderlines handle death.