I was speaking to my psychiatrist and she told me that the goal of my recent Latuda addition to my meds was to try to get me balanced out. I asked what she meant. She said when you are neither depressed or hypomanic. She asked when I feel that way. This question was followed by a long silence. She then asked how often I cycle, another silence.

I feel like I’m always one or the other. I am not sensitive to whatever state that is that is in between.  Like if there are times where I’m not super depressed or hypomanic, I’m still always kinda depressed and always seem to have ideation. I also feel like I’m riding these waves all the time. Like once a month maybe, probably not that much but it feels like I’ve been one or the other for years (got diagnosed 6 months ago) and feel like since starting meds it’s been mostly the same, maybe a bit more mania.

What is the in between? How would I know if I’m there? 

I feel broken.