I'm angry at myself for this bullshit. Instead of cancelling last night, I decided to do the whole process of waking up super early, then procrastinating till it was too late to make it. There was a wait list for this workshop. And not showing is shitty, someone missed the opprtunity to go because I held the spot. Granted my thinking was that it was too late for someone on the waiting list to be contacted. I'm not a morning person so signing up was stupidity and so was not checking my schedule soon enough to cancel with enough time for someone to get in off the wait list.

 So my thinking was that I should just get over the anxiety, the depression, and just push through and do it. I knew I was at the point where I'd pull some bullshit because I am exhausted and resistance levels are high. I couldn't find something big enough that would make me push through. I'm not excited about the workshop and travelling far. Who wants to travel far in bad weather early in the morning for a boring workshop after all. I knew this was a setup to fail from the beginning, but this workshop would give me useful skills for work. I'm pissed at this resistance that stops me from doing things, I should just be able to do them like a normal fucking person. I dont know why it does stop me, it's absolutely ridiculous. I don't know what it's about but I want to rip it out, stomp on it and scream at it. Just fucking get it done or don't sign up in the first fucking place.

Maybe enough people bailed because of the terrible weather that the instructor shows up for nothing. On the other hand though, people often have nothing to do and just drop in, so my space will likely be filled by some jerk who ignores the waiting list and just shows up.

I'm so pissed that I did this, it's a problem and I'm usually better about respecting other people's time. It was a big problem when I was much younger. Usually I fuck up like this without inconveniencing other people. Either I predict that I need to cancel in advance because I can see it coming, or I push past it. Or more often it's something that only matters to me and the consequences affect me but not others. Why make my own life better? Why do something for myself when it's not important because I am a shitpile of worthlessness and people expect me to be a failure.I'm here on this earth to give up my needs for fucking asshole people and not take care of myself, right?

This is just one example, there are much bigger, more important things that I sabotage. More often it's things important to me that would make my life better.
