TW: Self-harm, Suicidal ideation

Quit my job recently after having a mental breakdown at work and a falling out with my FP who I relied on to get to work. I’ve been scraping by, eating the bare minimal, hoping for this 2nd stimulus because I need it so badly but chances are I’m one of the people who needs to claim it on their taxes. Still have yet to get my federal return back even though I filed in March and now they claim they don’t have it.

Needless to say I’m struggling. I tried playing some League and every little interaction was pissing me off, I was getting overwhelmed and wanted to hurt myself. I had a headache and my nephew was being loud so I asked him to stop and I figured with how I’m ramping up it was a good idea to call the crisis line before I act on it(this is the 4th time this week I had to call them).

I get on the call, start talking and l my sibling starts yelling. I fucking snapped, I hung up, I scolded him and asked him why he thought that was ok. I explained how badly I needed to talk to that person and even in it all, I kept making sure he knew, even if what he did led to my reaction, that it was my own doing. They are my feelings, my emotions, my problems and I try very hard to let him know that and he is not the reason I acted that way and he has no part in how I feel. But I was practically yelling, swearing and he got to watch me mentally unhinge in front of him as my words turned into gibberish and I started to spasm and freak out. This isn’t the first time.

I then went into the bathroom and began to self harm. My head hurts, my jaw hurts from clenching but I’m on the bathroom floor and feel better, well at least not as intense. I don’t have privacy, I sleep in a common room, there is very few spaces I can go for anything and right now everyone room was occupied.

I hate myself so much right now. What if I fuck up his life how my dad did mine. What if these interactions are ruining him as my dad ruined me. I have no friends, my family doesn’t talk to me I’m alone. These are the moments where I think removing myself from existence will benefit everyone. I can’t keep doing this. I hate myself more than anything else in the world. 

I wish I was better, I wish I was normal.