Sorry this won't be comprehensive...
But I cheated on my partner today..

I had been texting and sexting with an old fwb for a while and am on a ton of nsfw subs. 

I am VERY hypersexual pretty much all the time. Recently got diagnosed with ADHD but i suspect i have comorbid bipolar..

I would say this is my first REAL and adult relationship. I've had fwb, hookups etc for a long time or met some people that were not at all good for me.

The thing is that the hypersexuality (and i suspect mania) kept giving me these intrusive thoughts and obsession with sex and all i couldn't get rid of.. I am NOT saying this is an excuse for what i did. Just saying where it came from.

I caved in tonight. My partner is gone for a few weeks.

Right after i knew it was real or gonna happen i felt sick to my stomach, regretted it already.. For the first second it felt good. Then it felt terrible. I pretended they were my partner and tried to dissociate on purpose the whole time.. I tried to end things a bit later and I felt it moved a bit into non consent since i had clearly expressed disinterest and said no at this point...

I feel so guilty. My partner doesn't deserve this at all... I never though i would be the person to cheat on someone. This is not an excuse but i really don't feel like this is me or what i stand for..

The only thing is that now FINALLY the intrusive thoughts about it are gone. Because i experienced that it wasn't good or fun at ALL... This shouldn't have to be the case but... Now i feel like I got rid of those thoughts and it might sound very bad and weird of me but... I feel terrible and better at the same time. Terrible for what i did... I regret it so much, wish it was just a bad dream because i don't want to be or do this.

But i feel better than before when i had these thoughts and ideas playing on loop even though i love my partner and want to be with them.. I love them and care so much about them.. I'm in shambles over it..

Part of me feels i owe it to them to tell them honestly and let them decide what to do with it and me, our relationship. But part of me feels... As bad as it may sound... That i know this is a one time thing.. I would never cheat again.. I made a mistake and it only proved to me how much i hated it and regret it immediately. So part of me thinks i can acknowledge that, try to forgive myself and move on. And from now on commit fully and only to this person.. 

I keep reading cheating posts and it makes things even harder.. I'm posting this in this sub because the more I read about having bipolar.. The mania, hypersexuality.. It's not an excuse but something i have been experiencing all the time and might EXPLAIN...why i did what i did.

It's not because i'm not happy or satisfied in the relationship. It feels like self sabotage almost... My hypersexuality, dopamine seeking brain took full control.. I have been pestered by these compulsive thoughts for MONTHS and now i finally feel they are gone?

Anyhow... Wonder if someone experienced the same thing?

Would it be okay for me to keep thisnto myself if i know where it came from, that i made a HUGE mistake and truly will never think this way again.

I have tired 3 types of adhd stimulants btw that just made me even more anxious than i already am (very) and induced mania. Now i'm on antidepressants (wellbrutin) but i don't feel it works in any way..