The past several years I have burdened my mother and my family in general with knowledge of my mental health issues. I wish I had never spoken to anyone about them or they had not found out about them, because really, I'm not that concerned with having burdened them. It's more like them knowing is a massive burden on me, because it pigeonholes me into a situation where I have to either be emotionally vulnerable, or shut everyone out completely.

I don't want emotional vulnerability. I don't want other people to look at me with knowledge of my depression and anxiety. I don't want to have to interact with people under the presupposition that I am dealing with those issues, even if I am. And that is because I do not want to have to transform into a happy person that shares intimately good feelings with them. I want no intimacy whatsoever. It is very intrusive. It's gotten to the point where I don't want them to look at me at all now. I can't turn back time, but I'm not willing to indulge in the horrifying vulnerability required to smile at my parents or my sister or my brother and let them know I am fighting this thing and that everything is going to be ok. 

I want it to be a non-issue. It would not even be an issue if their knowledge of my mental health problems didn't color every interaction they have with me. The way they look at me and speak with me conveys a tone of pity and completely unnecessary emotional support. I don't want that. Talk to me about anything else. I'm not going to produce good vibes for others if they talk to me about other things, but at the very least I won't have to deal with them talking to me about the most intimate problems I have in my life. I'm not a goddamn animal in a cage. I refuse to be treated as such just because I am not willing to show humanity and love to others. I just want to disappear dude. Stop looking at me like an anomaly. I don't care if I am. I just want people to go away. I'll always just be an animal in a cage for people to look at and interact with awkwardly.