I didn’t even watch the ball drop with my family. I was in my bedroom panicking and being a worthless, emotional moron. I later went downstairs and wished my parents a Happy New Years but was so anxious that I didn’t hug them and went back upstairs pretty quickly.

Today I felt super shitty for not hugging them so I randomly went up to them and told them I feel bad for not giving them a hug on Eve and hugged them. My mom said in a joking matter “It’s ok, yesterday you I didn’t like us but today you do” which still hurt because I love my parents but I’m such a fucking capricious person. I didn’t want to tell them the reason because it feels burdensome to talk about my shitty mental health to others.

My brain just really likes to destroy relationships with people, especially during the dreadful holidays. I can become very detached and cold despite feeling the need to give love. I just become bewildered by it all.

This is why I’ve lost all my friends too and have spent it friendless for the past few years. Because I’m an anxious good-for-nothing loser that is constantly enduring an existential crisis.