I am not self-diagnosing by any chance. it just feels so relieving to see that I'm not alone. I don't have bpd. i just relate a lot to other people here. I don't mean to be disrespectful to the people who actually have it. but I feel like I'm not alone when I read about people's experiences here.

when I feel so scared to be left behind, that I leave first. or that I cling so desperately to unattached people, and i end up leaving anyway. when I get inappropriately angry sometimes , and switch easily to nothing. I felt like I was going so crazy. because I was just crying and spitting out random words. then I was smashing my things on the wall. and then I was scrolling though twitter laughing all in one day.

it's when I'd rather cut than feel empty. it's when I'd rather die than you leave me. it's when I'd rather die than make you hate me. it's when I hate someone so much I forget that I love them. sometimes I hurt people, but I never mean it after. I never mean it when I tell people I hate them, or say mean things. I never mean it when I tell people to leave me.

it's when I purposely make people hate me, rather than they find something themselves they hate about me. I want to give them something to hate so they don't have to go look inside me. I want them to hate me so that they can never bother to get to know the real monster that I hide from everyone. because I am so afraid that they'd hate the most vulnerable part of me. 

I starve myself because I don't feel like my body is good enough. sometimes I eat a lot too because I actually  love my body. but then it switches so fast because I get triggered. from loosing 10 kg to gaining it back so quickly. it's when I hate my body, but I love it too, it's confusing. i starve, and then binge.

I have these random spending spree that I do in the moment. my money never sticks with me. sometimes I do so many impulsive things like cut my hair, eat spoiled food,  or just oversharing things in the moment . basically anything I'll regret. 

it's when you idealised someone so much that you can literally see no flaws. they're just so perfect, you love them so much. you feel like everything they is just so perfect. until they stop. they stopped being perfect. now they're just so fucking evil. you hate them. you don't want to be around them anymore and you leave. then you snap back and regret everything because you didn't mean to leave. you miss them. and you feel so guilty. you feel like dying.

it's falling for someone so hard and you barely even knew them for a month. and when they leave it takes you so many months to get over them. because you deeply regret the things you did. I am so sorry for lashing out. I am so sorry for pushing you away just because I misinterpreted your text. I leave so easily, and then I suffer for so long.

I'm just so afraid you'll leave me that I leave first. that I'm so afraid you'll break me so I break you first. that I'm so afraid you'll hate me that I hate you first. 

I can be so manipulative. I can be so evil. but I need someone to know that I never mean it. that it was the mood talking. it isn't really how I feel. I'm so desperate to make someone understand. because i love so much, sometimes it gets so much and I get sad. because no one else can love me back like this, it's so intense.

I wish someone actually bothered to stay when I tell them to leave. I feel so bad testing people sometimes when they finally break and leave me. just so that I can prove myself right, that no one actually loves me. that they only want to leave me. it's crazy when you think and feel differently. i know they love me, but I don't feel that way. 

I feel so guilty afterwards. I wish I was more meaner so that i don't have to feel so guilty. but I'm such a monster doing these things to the people I love. so I cut myself. I cut myself because I'm a dissapointment. I'm failing everyone's expectations. I hate cutting, I hate the pain, but it's the one thing I look forward to. because I get my punishment. I get what I deserve for hurting the people who love me. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve everyone. so for now, I'll just daydream about dying. 

thank you for making it this far of my venting;)