This is basically a rant - I guess I might also be seeking advice.

I’m stressed out. Like, severely stressed out. It’s causing me to disassociate, and it’s also making me want to turn to bad coping skills to manage the stress because I don’t want to disassociate. I can’t stand the feeling of walking through a fog or not feeling like I’m here - it fucking terrifies me. 

I’m stressed about work, but I work in a field where I need to be mentally “on” all the goddamn time. Which is bad because when I disassociate, I can’t fucking do that. It’s a bad cycle to be in.

I’m stressed about my home life right now. I’m currently living with my partner, in between homes but I feel rocky and unstable because we haven’t discussed exactly what’s going on or where I’m going next. He has been vague and kind of all over the place, telling me he wants me there to stay but then saying I should get my own place, and then back to staying. I want to be there - that’s what i want to do, but I can’t do that or know what my next steps are until I get a solid answer. I don’t think he knows even.

I’m also getting resentful because one roommate is not an animal lover and the other three of us have cats. I feel like my partner and I are the only ones taking care of the animals, and even then I’m really the only one feeding them - and watering them. But I had to go get litter after the other roommate promised she would and she didn’t, it had been weeks. So the one other non animal lover roommate is now pissed at all three of us for not taking care of our cats because it smells. 

But that makes me resentful, and it triggers me hardcore. My mom used to not take care of her animals, like - she would abuse and neglect them. I make it a point to take care of my little buddy but I’m struggling to juggle my job, my mental health and all three cats, but when someone says they are going to clean the litter box I don’t put it on my to-do list and it’s not on my mind. I feel bad. 

It also makes me upset because this other roommates cat is being left alone all the goddamn time and her cat pisses on the couch. My partners cats litter box was moved by the other roommate and so his cat pissed in our room and I tried to clean that up, but I can’t do it alone. 

My partner is also not the cleanest in his room, it wasn’t clean before I came - but it almost feels like he expects me to clean now that I’m there. Like I’m expected to get all the groceries, pay for all the liquor, but I’m not paid back - I’m not getting help with the room, or with any of it. And holy hell - I’m fucking stressed. I want to cry. I just want to fucking sob. Again - I’m just ranting, I get I can communicate all of this - I just need to fucking emotional dump. I’m sorry. 

Today is my Papa’s birthday too - he would have been the big 75 years old if he was still alive. I fucking miss him. I miss hearing his voice, he was my favorite person and I wish he wasn’t gone. Today is too much for me. 