I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t know how this started, I don’t know where this started or why or what made me start thinking but I’m fucking stressed out, for almost 2 weeks I’ve been over-analyzing everything I’ve ever been attracted too cause I can’t shake off these thoughts that I MIGHT be a pedophile.. I don’t know why, I’ve never been into that.. I’ve never been aroused or felt anything like that about anything like that and I keep telling myself that but my mind keeps making me think “But have I? Have you? Maybe you didn’t care before, are you thinking about that “stuff”right now? Yes, maybe you are” and it’s driving me crazy.. I don’t even think I’ve even fantasized about anything like that while it was happening.. but I keep trying to convince myself that I have, I don’t know what’s happening.  I feel like a monster, like a sick and twisted bastard.. it should be so simple to convince myself I’m not a pedo, but I CANT! I DONT KNOW WHY! I’M FUCKING 16, WHY DO I THINK IM A CREEP? It’s ruining my life, even when I try to just Ignore the thoughts or don’t care (try not to focus on them is what I mean by “don’t care”) when the thoughts enter my mind, my mind instantly makes me think “see? You aren’t stressed about it, you don’t care. You’re clearly a pedo.” And then I try not to think about it which only makes me think about it more.

Sometimes, I’ll realize I haven’t thought about it or notice I haven’t had any of those thoughts and immediately start this cycle. Even when i’m typing this, my mind is thinking “are you even telling the truth? You’re in denial, you’re making this all up.” BUT I SWEAR IM NOT, the thoughts aren’t even pedophilic in nature half of the time, it’s more “what if a pedophile did this” or “should non-practicing pedophiles be treated as mentally ill people instead of monsters?” Which doesn’t even fucking make sense but they still stress me out. These thoughts are ruining my life, I’m even starting to question if this “stress” isn’t just me getting aroused by this sick bullshit which I still can’t just swat away… this is even starting to ruin my social life at school, I see in a girl who’s like.. 1 or 2 years younger who I find attractive then instantly think It’s proof, I see a girl who’s the same age as me but is slightly shorter then me and think it’s proof.. which, I don’t know… Is it? I don’t know what to do, part of me wants to tell my parents or see a therapist but I’m honestly more scared of finding out I actually am one and this isn’t just my ADHD fucking with me cause it’s bored.. I can’t live knowing I’m into that shit, if I actually am then I’m just blowing my fucking head off right now, I don’t wanna be be a monster.. I want to live normally, but if I’m one of those monsters then I can’t fucking do that if I’m officially diagnosed.. I’d rather just suffer and live in ignorance.