Hi all, this is gonna be a long one but I feel like (and i'll go into a bit of a detail in a second) it's better to get it out early rather than later. I do hope this is a judgment free zone and I would really appreciate assistance with this, just help me please.

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I am currently in a relationship with a pretty decent girl, the relationship all in all is actually going pretty well and to my own surprise I don't really split her (I only split when injured I think), but we had the odd minor argument out of her saying something to me and my own hypersensitivity.  

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I am, I guess what you could call a self-aware vulnerable/compensatory narcissist, but I also relate to having borderline traits, and possibly dependent traits, but not like the full blown disorder. This might not be the best sub for this, but torn between this one, the NPD sub or the DPD sub this one seems to fit. It's weird, people describe me as chill, but honestly beneath that it's less than perfect/

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What is striking me the most at the moment is a sudden awareness of "moderate" abandonment issues, and possible dependent traits, I used to suffer from basic separation anxiety when I was younger, although I'd class myself as mostly counterdependant. Given that this is the first real relationship I have had I have finally found someone to fill that inner 'void' (or you could call emptiness but I can still cope alone, I did for the past two decades of my life actually), my other key, my life has been brighter since then, but when she shows signs of leaving or when I hear about her past exes I feel invalidated, defensively clingy (which I hate because I am for independence) hurt, devastated, guilt-ridden, jealous, angry and unwanted. The two subtypes (besides comp narc) I relate to would be the Disquieted Dependent (less so), and the Discouraged Borderline (more so), but maybe not to the same extreme. For the Discouraged subtype the line " Such individuals pursue a strategy of submissive attachment to just one or two significant others." and "put all their eggs in one basket" seems to fit. I feel like, now that I have found someone, I am using them as an emotional crutch due to a combination of lack of esteem as *well as* someone to basically rely on, and if she ever left I would feel distraught and I would either need to recover on my own (I don't feel like there's much help available in the UK or where I live) or find someone else. I have a hard time balancing out my emotional energy to self vs others if that makes sense.

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The main reason I made this post was, the other day one of her ex's/past people called her up and said he wanted sex, she said to him go away I'd never hurt my bf, and he said he'd never find out, she called me up and told me about it (faithful) but it still depressed me the rest of the day, just the thought of her being taken away fills me with rage, but also despair.

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I'd like advice or help about what to do about this, and honestly, how to beat this on my own, I can cope on my own, but once I have had an emotional touch of someone, I want to keep them close and mentally rely on them without appearing so, and when they drift away the underlying bpd/dpd traits come through I think.

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Thanks guys, I hope someone responds to this sincerely, this is a legit issue I'd like to get under control, or perhaps you relate to some of the disturbing feelings I have. She won't be around forever, and I need ways to cope with the potential loss of someone, and I'd also wonder if I should get prof help for this.

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