I try to consider myself as a self-starter and a motivated person who has big goals for myself. Accordingly, if I have something that inhibits this drive, I feel really shitty about it. I'm stuck in a loop of feeling anxious about dumb life situations, and then I get anxiety about not achieving things. This cycle repeats and I dig myself a bigger hole each time. Nothing numbs pain - not love, weed, alcohol, sex, video games, exercise, supplements, mushrooms, prescription medications  Nothing I've tried numbs this pain enough to the point where I'm contented with myself. I'm a student and I'm absolutely petrified of being kicked out of school.

I just want to be back at the person I was before, feeling happy and contented with myself, as well as confident enough to not give a shit about what others think about me and just focus on what I find rewarding. I hope to innovate and improve the world piece by piece. I want to inspire open-ended conversations with others about controversial issues and help people in this world come to a better understanding of different perspectives. I want to philosophize and create ideas that expand the limits of the human mind. I want to do all these things but I feel so goddamn stuck in my head. I know that Rome wasn't built in a day, but I feel like I'm going backwards instead of going forwards.