I'm really tired of everything. For now I know I won't kill myself because my means is not available for the next months... But I really can't stand it. My sleep is so deep (medication..) that when I dream, I feel like I live in another universe where I don't feel the pain. When I come back to reality I'm always very deceived... I can't imagine myself dying of something else..

At the same time, I'm really afraid. I don't want to die, I would do anything to save me from myself. I am really afraid of what I had done/what I can do. I'm so scared... It happens sometimes that I don't want to die, and that I'm so glad to still be alive...

But again, I can't imagine myself not having 'my favorite way to commit suicide', I wouldn't be able to stand my life...

By then, I might get rid of this 'mean', this 'way' of dying.. and I am very afraid that I would have to stand pain for the rest of my life... At the same time I got so traumatized from my past attempts.. I know that this time I'm 95% sure it would work...