i feel like im trapped on the other side of a glass wall. Everyone I know makes the most of every day, they have friends and friends of friends, they make plans for their days off and trudge through the monotony of daily life for the pursuit of a goal, the free time allotted by their schedule to have fun.

I haven’t felt excited for anything in years. I remember last halloween approaching, I have always loved the season and anticipated it. I felt nothing, I barely even noticed as the day passed by. Exactly the same for Christmas. I’m just a ghost, totally divorced from any human pleasure or emotion. Ever since I graduated from high school, I began working full time, and I haven’t done anything else since. I have “friends” but I barely know them. I jumped from school to school throughout my education, and I’ve missed out forever on the normal experience of developing a peer group and fostering deep relationships. I’m always the hanger-on, the last one invited, the afterthought. I can’t blame them for it, they grew up together, I’m just a side character. 

I’m painfully shy, and not in a cutesy way. I want human interaction so badly but I have no idea how I would even start to get it. I cherish memories of spending afternoons together with people that I’m certain don’t even know my name anymore. I still think every week about one night I spent years ago just walking around at night as a tagalong with a friend group, a night they forgot the day after it happened but is burned in my mind as a golden moment. It’s fucking pathetic.

I work 5 days a week and the days I don’t work I get high as fuck and sit in my room. I would do anything just to have a friend to make plans for the weekend with. I learned to lucid dream consistently and I meticulously catalog my dreams every night and pretend my dream characters are a substitute for human interaction. Everyone else lives their lives and I just exist to work, sleep, eat, shit, piss, and die.