The final straw for me was that I "broke up" with someone very close to me not long ago and after I went to the VA and got diagnosed. I was put off because they did some shit as a way to react the bad shit I was doing. But I could only see their reactions and not what drove them to that. And because of my ego, I couldn't just stay by their side like a puppy and accept what they did. And it's fucking hard because I know I was wrong and I'm just afraid how weak and pathetic I look to keep going back to them and that somehow it feeds their ego and they laugh about it or something. Or at the very least that I look crazy. 

I know I need to get my shit straight. I want to break this cycle of me fucking up, blowing up on them, and they distance themselves and I blame them. But I feel so goddamn guilty and ashamed. And I'm afraid I've run out of 2nd chances and it kills me because it's my own fault and I can't accept that.

It's their birthday next month and I don't even know what to do. If I should send them a text and say happy birthday. If I should get a gift too? But then I think, usually when I fucked up I would use money and gifts as a way to apologize. And I don't want that vibe. But I also don't want them to like hate me for not getting them something on their birthday. It's like everything else I did and got for them was meaningless.

At the same time, I don't want to be a weak man. 

I'm trying to do things on my own to be a better person. But I really hate the way that things happened. 