Before this, I had just been on my way to decently recovering from bpd. I had been starting up hobby's, enjoying my new co-workers/Job, and planning out the future.

My hobby's are closed now, I have no friends or relatives to talk to, and whatever happened to my support group after my time was done God only knows.

I have been detoriating over this past year, and now feel as if I'm going to need help soon but have no where to turn.

I tried digital therapy but I usually shut down when someone gives me a worksheet. As a 30 year old man with bpd and add you can imagine I don't have many people in my personal life to lean on.

I have been in a state of time traveling for everything lately, especially since my life is stagnant at the moment and I work from home. I avoid most men's groups online because they almost always devolve into some kinda bullshit.

Truth be told I'm sounding more and more toxic in my head, my memorys keep spinning around the incredibly traumatic shit, or abandonment I've received, or the major mistakes I made when younger. This effects my girlfriend, as I can become and emotionally explosive and yell. Again, not healthy Male behavior and we have addressed this with her moving to her own place when covid allows for it.

Right now I'm the sole breadwinner, paying bills and most cleaning. I am so stressed trying to keep her and the cats safe and happy. Not to mention she's depressed in her own way and can't find employment or a house.

Medications never helped, I get so many side effects and depression/Add meds make me very unstable and unpredictable. I self harm through making bruises, judge me all you want but the pain is relieving to a degree.

All this to say, I'm sad, tired and need help but have literally no one to talk to as a friend, hell I'm not even sure I can deal with that right now without being overwhelmed and ghosting the person trying to help me.

I am just waiting for covid again so I can go back to paying tutors/teachers to teach me things, only way I ever get to really talk to people.

Have a good day everyone, 
Hope it's going better for you.