I'm sorry in advanced this is really confusing to read because I am confused.

After I got rejected 2 weeks ago, I completely cracked and did all sorts of unhealthy stuff. and good stuff like running and art. But in the end I got better. So I thought. Is this some sort of depression after rejection, before that I was fine. Everything was working sort of. But this one shitty person needed to ignore me and make me crack. I have 3 exams next week I couldn't study for because of my state of being. I feel like a worthless little whore who doesn't deserve this life. But I know if I give up now, all the suffering before was pointless. Why can't I feel like I am something again? Everything was great. I also can't fail ending it, if I do, I will be put into mental hospital again. And the one surrounding me is a  sinkhole full of idiots. There is no treatment no therapy, no therapist that talks to you. Everyone sits on their asses and chills and smokes. Nice hospital lol. Why can't I be loved, literally everyone hates me. Why can't I find love, only because I screw up every time. Don't text them back or tell myself that love dos not make sense. And the people I want to be in relationship with never want to be with me. People that I want nothing from love me. God, why? Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with me, I am crazy. My personality changes based on the clothes I am wearing. Yesterday I was fine I felt good and motivated, thought finally it's over. Finally, you survived it. But today these stress dos not leave. It's not even an emotion, I don't even know which one it is, it's stress or something like that. Why can't I have intimacy? Why can't I have a relationship that doesn't fall apart before it ever really existed? Why did I tell myself It's fine to open up my emotions to that person for once? Just once and let my feelings guide me like a psychiatrist advised me back when I was 17 and had love struggles. I did it and nothing worked out. I just sit her cry and break down. I want love, I want happiness. Not only that, but I don't want to be alone. Someone has to like me. Why dos everyone finds a loving partner except me? The dumbest dickhead can find love, but me, a smart guy can't? Why do I chase something that doesn't make sense? Love is like live worthless but still worth the experience.  I have dyslexia, and therefor dating apps suck. But I want someone so bad. Someone who can make me whole. Make me feel and taste love, real love! But every time I try, I get destroyed. I should just give up, but I can't. I lose my life to corona. I'm 19 I should be happy. I should be partying. I love parties, for a split second you so round yourself with all of these happy people. For a split second, you're not alone. and full of feelings and positivity. I met a girl there, she was sweet, but I went silent, and we never spoke again. Why is my life a photo album full of misery. No, that's wrong, there are always these moments where I feel like I am on top of the world. Where I am a hero! Where everyone loves me and adores me. But it all comes crashing down quickly when I realize everyone secretly hates me. When I stop covering the real me, who ever that is and tell people who I am, they all hate me. I'm a worthless piece of shit my mom was right all the time. I am an asshole since I was little. Why can't these tension go away. Will it go away? Maybe after I wrote the exams and completely failed all of them. One is with the teacher who thinks I am a lacy bastard. WOOH cool! I'm hyped for school going to be great. Physics, math and politics exams. And I suck in physics and math! But I need to graduate, so I can escape this shit household staring my narcissistic mother. Who knocks on my door just to tell me she's worried and the insults me. Nice life man. all my childhood was  a lie. A lie full of insults, punishment and strange affection sometimes. Why do I keep pushing? I shouldn't, but I do. Because I am stronger than she is. I hate myself! Please save me. If you made it through this till the end, thank you!