It is so hard to determine what's real and what's just negative talk and illogical irrational bpd brain telling lies. I don't think I'm horribly unattractive but I don't seem to get a lot of attention or responses on dating/hook-up apps. But it's not like i dont get any at all. My FP seems to constantly be talking to someone. He told me the other day he sends messages and people say "ew" and block him and that I have no idea the kinds of things he deals with on the app's. I know that it's true. But I don't *feel* that it's true. And that feeling is so god-awful that it's hard not to lean into it rather than what I "know". 

This paragraph is a bit sexually graphic so trigger warning and feel free to skip. My FP and I went to two different bath houses this weekend (where gay men can cruise for sex). It was his first time and the first night he was very nervous and didn't do anything. I did have some sex. The next night he was right into the swing of things. And he had a lot of fun with guys he liked. I got pretty much nothing and not from anyone I was really much interested in. So again - I feel like this now is evidence that I am not good looking and it's not just in my head. But i don't know. It makes me feel so sick.

I'm sorry if this is not making sense as I'm in the middle of a meltdown so my thoughts are scattered. Thank you for reading!