Bare with me. I don't even know how to articulate this one. 

I was diagnosed with BPD four years ago. I've always kind of gotten this *~feeling~* but only recently (in the last 12 months) it has gotten more and more intense and almost debilitating - without sounding dramatic. Something really tiny can trigger this feeling. Something so insignificant that I might not even be aware of the trigger. 

Then I tense up and i feel as if im a big brick or a rock. My body feels heavy and slow. Its hard to speak or move, my movements feel rigid. For example, my boyfriend would hug me to make me feel better and I'm just standing there like a plank. Looking over his shoulder, completely in my own mind. I'm fully aware of whats going on outside my body, but its as if i cant participate in anything other than my thoughts. I get stuck in this loop of negative thoughts - do I want to be alive, what's the point in being alive, my life is not how I want it to be, I'm so alone, how do I escape, how do I stop feeling, I hate myself, I wish I was someone else etc. 

This feeling will last the whole day and I just dont feel present at all, so before you know it, its night time. And I've been close to silent all day without realising. People around me think its their fault or I'm being moody but its not anyones fault. It's 100% me. I just literally CANNOT snap out of it. It feels like its too important for me to stay in this state. My mind WANTS me to stay like this, it wont allow me to relax. As if it's necessary for me to be stuck like this. My brain is forcing me into this loop of thought and i feel like i MUST stay in that loop because idk it must serve a purpose? I'm afraid if I don't acknowledge the train of thought that something bad will happen or if I don't aknowledge it, it will never stop. 

The only thing that helps is napping or weed, but both only work short term. Then I slowly start getting quiet again and my body feels like a rock again and I'm staring into nothing getting all existentialist and thinking about life. 

Does anyone know what this is? Why it's happening? Or experience anything similar and have found ways to over come it?