You deserved to be loved after years of abuse even if you have symptoms of trauma !! 

I’ve come to the realization that..

I am constantly battling between thinking my husband will abandon me and, I imagine him all the time with someone else. I am afraid of being abandoned and afraid of committing and letting my ego get hurt. There was a post on BPD memes that made me realize how bad I am. 

I go from 0-100 in a matter of seconds or minutes just because he has done something small that wouldn’t bother the average joe. 

 I’ve also cut off 17 people in life for doing things that I didn’t agree with (to be fair 7 of them have done horrible things to me including fought me, spit on me, spreaded rumors etc. 

Whenever I argue with him or someone else it causes me a lot of pain in which I can’t bear to live anymore. Suicide is my first response to everything and it’s selfish honestly. I think it’s selfish because of how hurt the people around me would be. I’ve asked many close people in my life what would you do if I committed suicide and they’ve told me horrible reactions. My dad said he would become an alcoholic again and not have a purpose to live anymore. 

I still have suicidal thoughts however, I haven’t attempted suicide in a while. I have to consider the feelings of my loved ones. I’ve been working on myself for years and constantly am attempting to change my toxic ways. I’ve been going to therapy weekly for 11 years. I’ve been researching, reading articles, watching videos and using reddit to my advantage. 

Just the other day I told my husband he was right twice! Which is very hard for me because when someone disagrees with me I feel like splitting.  


Here’s to deciding to better for my family and friends!