I have a partner who loves me, I finished a decent college, I have an ok job, but still, I feel like hell all the time.
I've been an introvert all my life, I was that kid sitting in the back of the class and not interacting much. Because of my appearance, my colleagues often bullied me. The teachers didn't believe me and neither my parents, they thought I was the problem. I had good grades in school, but my parents never hesitated to criticize me when I didn't live up to certain standards. Sometimes they yelled at me, I argued with them. I was often compared to the smartest kid in the class. You know that kid, right? The one who got straight A's in everything. I was never on top, but I did well enough. For my parents, it wasn't enough, and that made me feel like I was a failure in society. 
I first fell in love in high school, but after a few years, my ex cheated on me. I felt horrible. I blamed myself for thinking I had done something wrong. I never learned the true reason of cheating. I was heartbroken, I cried every day, I couldn't concentrate anymore, I got quiet, every time I tried to discuss to someone, I started to cry. I thought then that I am ugly and no one will ever want me, no one will ever love me again. 
In college, I met my current partner. We love each other, sometimes we have arguments, but nothing serious. In college, my sadness began to worsen. I didn't like what I was doing anymore, but I couldn't give up because of my parents, they wouldn't have welcomed me home and I had nowhere else to go. I didn't know what else to do with my life. College felt like a chore after a while. With each failed exam, I felt worse and worse. I always cried in the morning, at noon and in the evening. I made a few friends, but I am not comfortable to share those personal things with them. I also went to a psychologist during college because I felt really bad. I couldn't find happiness in what I was doing. I left after the first meeting, she told me that it was all in my mind, that I was pretending and that I was begging for attention. I've never felt worse than that. I tried to read book about depression, anxiety, I tried what they were saying in those books, but it didn't worked. 
I developed anxiety, I can't talk in public, I am afraid I will make mistakes and people will laugh at me. I can't have a decent conversation with anyone, I have panic attacks when someone tells me "we need to talk" or "what do we do now“. I don't know what to say or do. When someone talks to me I simply lost in conversation. It is like a cloud in my head. After two seconds I don't know what the subject was. 
Fast forward, now I have a decent job, I stay with my partner, but I always feel awful. I wake up in the morning nauseous. I'm waiting for the day to pass faster, to get home and just stay in bed, to forget everything. I used to like to paint, but I can't find any motivation. I have a lot of books at home, but lately I haven't been able to enjoy reading them. My passion for reading books kinda vanished and I feel like I lost all my hope. I can't concentrate anymore. 
I often have irrational fears about family members and my partner dying, my brain making crazy scenarios about what would happen and I immediately start to cry. I don't want them to die. I don't know why am I thinking about those things. 

I just want to cease to exist.