First time ever posting on reddit like this. Be nice please.

This post is just a big culmination of how i feel as an empath in a friendship that has turned pretty toxic over the course of years. The situation was this, I one day decided to start a conversation about how I'm feeling, I first prefaced it with my intentions which were to just improve the quality of our friendship and try to strengthen our connection. This quickly spun into an arguement where they believed i was being overbearing and asking for to much, then they got defensive, then aggressive, then toxic. The end result was me being extremely hurt and the conversation ending with a fuck you and a temporary block. The block was taken off but no words spoken for a few days.

Being someone who feels things deeply, I got a pit in my stomach that made me physically sick. The things i want to say but can't are eating me up. So i wrote them down and will post them here hoping that it can alleviate some of the pressure inside my gut.

Heres how i feel about it and what i wish i could say to that person:

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I think you are being very selfish, You want me to give give give and expect no effort, nothing back. It feels like i can't even express myself towards you without being yelled at and then blocked and told to fuck off. what kind of friendship is that? I tried to help things and somehow that got twisted into me being overbearing or too much. You don't seem to understand that im also a person and I also happen to be a person that feels shit intensely. You aren't affected by not talking, that doesn't mean im not. Im very affected and the fact that you cant make just an effort shows how toxic the friendship has become. 

You only seem interested in talking to me when you need something from me, like emotional support or an opinion. I just don't understand how I am always the bad person for just feeling things. It doesn't make sense. 

It felt like you stabbed me in the gut when you told me to fuck off and blocked me, i put myself out there and you crushed it, Two days later i have this pit in my stomach that is unrelenting and doesn't go away, it makes me feel physically sick. Meanwhile i saw that you doing shit in a common friend group the same night we argued. The difference between us is huge and it seems like you are unable to comprehend that i just need a bit of affirmation to feel much much better. I'm clearly not getting what im looking for in this friendship, it seems better to just move on and accept that you aren't the person i thought you were when i carefully placed trust in you. I'll try to find someone else worthy of that trust now because to me you've breached it. 

I did what you asked me to do, I came to you without any anger, rage or dissapointment and i explained how i felt, you crushed that and along with that you crushed a small piece of my soul. 

I don't think i want this friendship to get fixed now, I think i want someone who understands me better, someone with more empathy for what its like to live as hyper sensative as i am. 

I thought we were best friends, I thought we had a fairly deep connection that couldnt be broken by just a single arguement, but this isn't the first time its happened, it might not be the last if we resolve it, no matter what i think i deserve a little better then this toxic place where sharing how i feel makes me a bad person in your eyes. 

You talk about how much we talk and how you talk more to me then all other friends but thats trash because I am not happy with how it is, telling me to take what i can get and be happy is the same as telling me you don't give a shit. And that has become clear, you just don't give a shit. 

I feel used, attacked, bewidled and downplayed. I feel like anything i say at this point is meaningless because you won't truely listen, you will just get offensive and hurt me for it. I wish i could make you see that things are different for me, It's not as simple as just speaking words towards me. That doesn't make me feel comforted or as if i'm valued. Its about connection and knowing theres someone out there thats got my back, right now you don't have my back, you stabbed me in the back when i didn't even expect it, You caused a shit ton of pain and for what? because i wanted to connect with you? that shit hurts dude. It fuckin hurts. 

The last time we argued about this i came in hot, i made a mistake doing that, i was aggressive and frustrated. This time i came in cold, I tried to even end the conversation because i knew it wouldnt end well. I just wanted to be heard and understood. I did exactly what you told me to do last time and the end result is the same, defensive - Aggressive - Hurtful - Toxic - Seperation. 

I don't think i was completely in the right either, in fact i know its not exactly fair for me to ask you to be a certain way that you just aren't. I think a compromise could have been made but you are uninterested. You only cared about leaving the conversation. You used hurtful words and blocking to do it. 

I fucking hate people not understanding that the smallest things change the world for me. A simple hey hows ur day going is enough to actually improve my mood 10x for a week. I don't and have never needed to be in constant talks in order to feel better. I don't even really care about the small trivial shit going on in both of our lives. You seem to think me asking you to talk is litterally me asking for every single detail in your life as if i need to know it all. Thats just stupid, it's not what i want or as you so nicely put it; what i NEED. 

What i do need is someone who likes to talk to me. Treats me like a person they are on some level interested in talking to, I need affirmation that I'm not the only person in the friendship that gives a fuck. I need some type of signal that shows you are willing to help me when i need it.
It's nothing about talking, in fact if you showed me these things i think we would overall talk less because i wouldn't feel so inclined to seek them out of you. I would be able to have trust that you have my back, which ive now lost. 

It breaks my heart that things might end this way in our long lasting friendship, but part of me thinks maybe it should. At a certain point i can't allow myself to be beaten down in a toxic friendship. I need to stand up for myself and say hey, this is what i need to make this shit work, if you can't deliver your side, i shouldn't deliver my side. The fucked up part is, I will always keep delivering my side, Thats just how i am. 

You said you 'Don't want to feel like you need to talk to a friend daily, thats not healthy.' This just shows you are unwilling to listen to what i'm actually trying to say. You don't and never need to talk to me daily. What you do need to do once in a while is show your friend that you care. Especially a friend that feels things 10x more then you do. Its just basic maintenance on a friendship, not all people require it, others won't because they aren't how i am. I am quite litterally a hyper sensative empath who has different needs then the next person you talk to. The difference is while yes i require more maintenance to keep functioning, when you need me i would litterally talk to you for hours to try to help. I would be able to empathize and connect on a level nobody else can. There is a downside to me, and an upside. You seem to really love the upside and really hate the downside, which just hurts me in the end.

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Being this way is sometimes the worst... any one relate?