I am a 22 year old feminine gay guy living in a democratic and homophobic country. I am not out of the closet yet. I've never tried to hide how I am and most of the people around me have a hint about my sexuality. They've just never inquired and I don't feel like coming out to them yet (because of fear of physical / emotional harm). 

My family includes my father, who literally has nothing in common with me and so he doesn't care to talk to me even though we live in the same house. My mother, who wants the family to be well knit and so she always asks me to be cool with my father's behavior. And then there is my elder brother who is the most homophobic man I know.

I've always had girl friends even before I realized and accepted that I am gay. Also, I've always only had a few *great* friends instead of many *okay* friends. But because I am not out, I don't discuss my problems or even life with them and in the process I tend to push them off. Right now, I don't have any friend. 

I talk to men online and we sext. I've fallen for a couple of *online men* before but we're just geographically too far away from each other for it to be practically possible for us to be together in real life. These days, even they don't get time / interest to text me. 

Then there is this guy who I fell for last year but he's straight (he had a *bisexual phase* before). Anyway, he's mainly a douche who just talked to me because he was interested in my best *girl* friend. I never really confessed what I felt for him. He used to call me up at midnight and we'd talk till dawn. I don't know if he was ever into me. I texted him today and he said I can call him anytime I want. 

It just doesn't occur to these friends and online men that I can't call them and risk another goodbye. It literally hurts every time I realise that my father doesn't care about me, that my brother would never accept my sexuality, that I won't be able to meet these online men, that I am still a virgin and I've never even been kissed, that my friends don't "get" me because I am not out (I don't blame them though). On top of it all, I am not doing anything these days except waiting (I've been wait-listed for one of the best B-schools of my country). 

The weekends are the worst because my family is it at home then. Today was a Sunday and I got so frustrated that I just stormed out of the house. I didn't even know where I'd go. I just needed to physically be away from everyone! Instead, I realized that there are more people outside and I instantly regretted going out today. Anyway, I didn't answer their calls ( they just wanted me to come back home so everything could be "normal"). I came back home after 6 hours and as soon as settled in, it was all back to where I was before I left the house.