Hey all 

Things aren't great for me at the moment and I just needed somewhere to vent 

My depression/mental health is really bad currently. I've had bad episodes before but this time I'm feeling different and I'm not 100% sure how to really deal with things 

The biggest cause for my depression, is my Grandad died 3 weeks ago and his funeral is tomorrow. He had terminal cancer, so I know he's out of pain and he was 87, so he lived a good and long life but it hurts so much. I can't process it properly, I keep thinking he's just in hospital and as though all of this isn't really happening. I cried on the 1st and 2nd day after his death, then when I went to see him in an open coffin but since I haven't "grieved". I have days where I will just start crying, that deep cry you feel inside, where you are trying to be quite, this lasts for 5 minutes then I'm okay. I'm feel disinterested in things, less chatty, lost appetite, finding it hard to sleep. I feel irritated, frustrated but not like aggressive angry. Most the time I feel zoned out. I'll feel so frustrated that I'll just sit on my bedroom floor and zone out. My heart has been racing for the last hour as I'm so nervous and scared about his funeral tomorrow. I wanted him to walk me down the isle, he was the only Dad figure I had my whole life. I wanted him to meet my children. I just feel gutted and lost 

I've got other general life problems going on, money worries, my landlord is moving so I need to find somewhere to live, dealing with my chronic condition and mental health in general. I also just feel generally alone. I have friends, family, a best friend who is amazing with me through this but unfortunately lives far away, so not physically here. But I was in an 11 year relationship, I left him nearly 2 years ago, but I'm having problems still with adapting to a new life, finding myself and moving on from the relationship and the things I lost from it. I just have the back of my mind if I was with him still I'd be dealing with my Grandads death better and be generally doing better but I also know I need to keep hope that things could still get better for me.. it's just hard keeping that hope alive