Nice day guys! 

I have bpd with some aspd traits and possibly stpd. I have a mix of all kinds of traits but i think i am mainly borderline.

I just can't deal with the feeling of emptiness anymore. I felt this way my whole life. When i was 14 i was taking deliriants, a class of hallucinogens that make you actually see real hallucinations and it was mostly a form of self harm to me. My whole body was in terrible pain when i did this and i still kept doing it. It was not fun, at all, in any way. 

I didn't even enjoy it. I just felt empty, like no emotions, just nothingness, i had the feeling of boredom that was insanely intense. In high school i was cutting myself and saving my blood and painting pictures with it. That phase didn't last long, but it really makes me remember how fucked up i was. I always did absolutely anything that was a bit extreme or fucked up, i would rather feel destroyed and pain then nothing at all.

Some days i feel on top of the world, i really like who i am as a person, i never want to die because i love my life, i don't regret my past, this was all an adventure no matter how weird. But right after i feel like that, comes the void. 

As i grow up more and more, i just fill the void with different things, but it never went away. I am now in college, mostly functional, it's going ok for me but that feeling is terrible and makes me do impulsive things. 

Do any of you have the same feelings of void inside of your head? How do you deal with it? 