Hello everyone haha

I'll try to keep it pretty short. 

I suffer from severe clinical depression for 5 years now. I was trying different methods to make me feel better, including medication, mindfulness, etc. At some points in my life I felt that I overcame my depression and it will never show itself again. However, once in several months it comes again. It feels like a severe crush. Everything is going fine and then BOOM. I'm lying in bed whole day long without any ability to get up even to grab some food while not eating for a week. 

I am pretty smart, I won many competitions in math and physics during my school. Then I moved to another country to study in Uni (mainly because I was living with my father, who used to beat me severely every day). I have a well paid job and a pretty nice life overall. The only thing is extreme anxiety and depression. I start to feel miserable and that I'm not doing enough, even though when I'm alright I literally overwork every single day. 

Suicidal thoughts are there all the time tho. Even when I'm overall fine, I often think to just end it all by jumping off a bridge or smth. When I'm depressed, I deal physical pain to myself, as it helps to overcome mentail pain at least for a while. I image how I would cut my wrist as it will relive the pressure inside me (like a balloon type of thing). 

I really don't know what to do about it as I seeked help in medication already, but it just helps for a while and when you are off the meds, it feels bad af.