There are times when I feel things has gotten considerably better, and it has. But when the motions start to reel back in, I always felt like I'm back to square 1. 

I write a lot as an outlet, I've post on reddit at times to relate with others. But I stopped doing that. I thought it made me feel better if I didn't have to talk or write about how shitty I feel and it has worked for the longest time. 

But right now, I think I'm beginning to crack. I've internalized and kept everything intact and hidden from other people, just it just feels lonely not to be able to open and be emotionally honest with someone, not even to myself. 

Just earlier, I was crying on the shower thinking why I was this broken. Some people bounce back from the bad things that happen to them. But why can't I? Why does it hurt so much? Why do I have to break down each time I remember? 

I don't want to live like this. And I honestly do want to get better. I am in therapy and I am sticking to my schedule. But it feels like the one thing that could really help me is to not be so hard on myself getting there.I just want to be normal so badly, I just don't know what else to do. 