Depression hits us all, sometimes for a period of time, other times you live with it for years on.

I really don’t know how I went from a normal kid to what I am today nearing 30M. I looked inside myself and always found massive self hatred, and major need just to be loved. 

Unfortunately my dating life has been utter crap, with few very short term Girlfriends. Until I run back into a corner and take a 1-2 year hiatus from dating completely.

It’s odd honestly. For large portion of my life financial instability was feeding depression, mixed with being lonely. Now I gotten my shit somewhat together and made a career change. There is still a ton of debt, but I will eventually climb out.

But there is still a looming “loneliness”. I haven’t had breakdowns in a long time. Few days ago, out of the blue I was overwhelmed. I spend 2 hours just crying, a miserable state I really never wish anyone sees me. I don’t think it’s wrong for men to cry, but I still rather do it away from people in silence. 

Last week, I was just overwhelmed by feeling of loneliness. I came back to my usual “Why am I here?” Followed by “Yet another suicide draft plan”. Gotta say over the years I planned many ways to end myself. Somehow I’m still here. I really can’t explain to you why I’m here. But I fear that one day I will cross the line and walk into the void. I been living with this understanding since age 14, when my depression started.

The downside of my breakdowns is that I lock whatever is left of my emotions. Not quite a mono-ton robot yet, but I become more stoic each time this happens. Which means that next breakdown is gonna be even worse with all the stuff getting bottled up.

I don’t know. I honestly see myself as a failure. I’m nearly 30 and just now in position where I can start saving up for my own home in next 2 years. Still living with family, who in part played a roll in me being what I am today.

It would be awesome if we could see the future. Would be upsetting to live with fantasy of eventually having a loving girlfriend/wife, own roof, and own family. Just for that fantasy turning out to be unrealistic delusion.

I honestly don’t know why I’m on this rock. I don’t think I was ever meant to be. No one wanted me since birth and I was always a black sheep of the family. Fate played a bad joke and I could not have been aborted. Sad. Now I find myself questioning my existence.

Well enough of gloomy shit from me. Sorry for venting. This helps a tiny bit.