I have no one else to really talk with and need to just get this off my chest. It likely won’t be coherent. I’m just dumping here.

I’ve battled depression my entire life. Growing up in the Midwest - I learned to put on a mask at an early age (example: parents telling me that I can’t be depressed. I just need to get outside more).

I have suicidal ideations for many years. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t be myself.

Then I met my wife. I was able to share myself with her (and her past to me). Over time - I needlessly put up barriers when tine got dark for me. Ultimately finding things like games to isolate myself. Both from her and my son.

We go through a cycle every couple of years where I do this. I shut myself off from reality. We’ve always been able to talk and hash it out. This time around she wanted “space”. 

Finally go through to her to talk. She said she’s done, but agreed to see a counselor. Not sure if it’ll do any good at this point.

Anyhow… I’ve been in a constant state of quiet panic attacks since Tuesday. Trying to keep my composure for her and the kid. She asked if I had anyone to talk to, but frankly I don’t. I have no friends or family that really relate to major depression. 

Just wanted to get this off my chest.