It's one of those days where my feelings just sort of... hit me. I've been spending the past few days coping with a mixture of numbness, hatred and anger... trying hard to convince myself that all of my problems are made up and all my desires selfish and pointless. The rational part of my brain is insistent on convincing me that the only path to happiness is to give up on all of my hopes and dreams. And a part of me is convinced it's right. But the emotional side, which just took a backseat the whole time is just... silently hurting. Really hurting. She doesn't want to be alone, not for the rest of her life... this is so cruel, what I'm subjecting myself to. How can I not see? How can I be so blind to my own basic human needs? How can I be so cold as to unflinchingly crush them?

I can't stand it anymore.... every human needs love in their lives. "4 hugs a day", they fucking said. Every study ever conducted on this subject proves that we die at a massively accelerated rate without it. So why am I trying so hard to cut myself off from it? "Give it up, it's pointless" he tells me... "nobody will ever like you, you and I both already know that. Just stop trying." And it hurts. His words cut deep into my soul. Because I know he's right. He's seen all of me, and knows me too well. He knows what monstrosities lurk inside my heart. Knows my obsessions and my delusions. Knows fully well that I'm chasing an ideal that can't exist, not in this world. "So just shut up and continue living, you can't force love to happen so just stop whining and get back to work you waste of space"

But we all know this is no life. I'm already a walking corpse, spending every waking second of every day chasing that dopamine in every form I know to get it. It's all fake. It's all a vague replacement for the real thing. No matter how hard I try, my dopamine sources will not love me back. I can't pair bond with a substance, a device, or a sensation. My hunger is briefly satiated, but at what cost? I've been turned into a zombie, trapped in a prison of its own design, each layer locked with a key I swallowed.

I don't see a way out. I've gone past the tipping point, dropped off the slippery slope. To suggest that everybody can be saved is a delusion. Some people are simply beyond help, because no amount of rights will correct the massive amounts of wrong I've accumulated over the past 26 years. Even if I somehow miraculously heal, at what cost? I'd be too old to enjoy life by the time I finally managed to figure out how to live it. And besides, they tell me I can't change while I'm still chasing the dopamine dragon every single second of every single day. I need to break out of the mold before I can do that, but I can't even keep my promise for a single fucking day. It's hopelessly pathetic. All I want is a hug, but there's no way I'm letting anybody close to me ever again.

His voice speaks so loudly inside my brain that everybody else just gave up fighting back long ago.