I don't know what's going on in my life, I've just gotten numb to everything recently except for my anxiety. All of my friends left me when we graduated highschool either for the millitary or just going out of state and I didn't have any friends the first time I went to college no matter how hard i tried. I rarely get out of the house anymore, living where I'm at there's just nothing to do, it's a backwoods town with a single bar and a grocery store and that's all I got so what's the point of going out. I just stay by myself and play on my computer until I decide to sleep whenever,only getting out of bed if it was absolutely necessary. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to talk to other people in person, being socially awkward and being afraid of making myself look like an idiot, I was totally alone for the last 3 months to where I started to see things in the dark that weren't really there, due to either sleep deprivation or just wanting to see something other than me. I can't even sleep right anymore, I feel anxious when I lay down and feel like I'm being watched until a fall asleep a couple of hours later. During the day I constantly think about how I'm stuck in such a horrible area with barely any people to meet,the only outside contact I've gotten was from people online which they help greatly. I just don't feel safe around alot of the people that live in my area, I get paranoid about them and it makes me want to hide away, staying up and playing games usually helps to keep my mind off of things but I just go back to thinking about how my life was pretty fucked up from the beginning.my parents always fought and slept separately in our house, we never said that we loved eachother or gave hugs to one another, "we aren't a touchy Feely family" my mom said when I brought it up to her. The first time I got hugged by a stranger I jumped, I had never felt anything like it before ,I had some physical abuse when I was littler and I've just re rolled some of the memories in my head. It's so hard to explain what I'm feeling I just hate everything but I don't feel anything It's like I don't care what happens to me, why am I stuck to suffer, I feel like there's hands reaching out to me to help  through a black shroud of mist but I can never grab it. I've sometimes felt like I've gone feral,my only saving grace is my online friends and someone that I've recently found online that keep me sane.ive been diagnosed with so many anxiety disorders among seasonal depression that I want to scream, I still go to therapy and it helps a little but after a while it just encompasses me once again.