I’m currently in university perusing a STEM degree. Due to the pandemic, classes are “hybrid” and all exams are done online regardless of whether you are on campus or away.

I am taking 5 classes worth 16 credit hours and feel comfortable with 4 of them as the professors have been accommodating to the current situation. However, calculus is a whole other animal that is giving me anxiety to the point of panic just thinking about it. I don’t hate math (I enjoy doing math that is integrated into other subjects like physics for example.), but absolutely hate “MTH” pure math classes. Pre pandemic I was fine and got through Calc I with decent marks as I had an accommodation to take exams in quite environment where the Procter was very friendly and the room is comfortable. We were allowed to use graphing calculators (regardless of accommodations everyone could use them as long as they couldn’t connect to the internet.) and could get up and stretch if need be. I have autism alongside anxiety and can get very worked up if my environment is unpredictable, so being able to test in this room was extremely comfortable with me.

Due to the pandemic, online examination is mandatory and we need to use this highly invasive plugin called honorlock. Basically I need to have this program monitor my face, environment and ambient noise whist I take the test. My household is unpredictable sometimes and I need to take it in the bathroom for guaranteed quiet which is already awkward to begin with. Another reason I use the bathroom as a makeshift cubicle is that I don’t want certain belongings, LGBT decorations, messiness and possible sensitive documents to accidentally be in frame. I did a practice exam and utterly bombed it (not worth any points) due to my brain glazing over from fear and that being watched feeling. 

Having autism makes it difficult to not stare off into space or deal with strangers, so getting flagged for suspicious movement or needing to talk to a rep for help or clarifying my actions is frightening to me. We also can’t use public spaces, any form of calculator, get up/use the bathroom and other super strict policies during mere quizzes. Worse is that tests would be mandatory to take at 7:00pm when my mom is home and brother is catching zs for his early job. The internet in my city got damaged in a hurricane and rolling blackouts are still a thing that happens.

Calculus is already difficult because you need to memorize a decades worth of math formulas, of which any might be needed. Having all these restrictions and having a sketchy program monitor me pushes my anxiety to 11 and fries my brain before I can even begin to consider the questions. Fortunately, I might be able to take some exams traditionally, but not while I’m away from campus like I am for the next two weeks or when I return home for family business for a couple weeks and (maybe) for the final. 

I’ve been trying to kick the can down the road with calculus, but the pandemic didn’t yield and I had to take it this semester as I’m falling behind in maths. My marks in other classes are fine, so I honestly could give a shit about my Calc grade as long as I pass, but I still need some advice on how to handle this.