I lost a set of grandparents within 10 months of eachother. One we knew would happen, the other went downhill so fast, and I had to watch her go downhill within 4 months. She went from being perfect and independent to being wheelchair bound and not knowing who I was, her favorite grandchild who had been living with her since Pop died so she wouldn’t have to be alone. She didn’t know who I was, and I knew that it wasn’t her fault but that hurts. It hurts a lot. She passed a week after having a 30 minute conversation with me where she was actually Mimi. She was her old self and she knew what was going on and who everyone was. That was a wonderful thing to have, but fuck man. This sucks. This hurts. My grandfathers sucked and hurt too, but this is different. This all happened so fast. I had the time to process it but I didn’t have the time to accept it. I’ve felt like this before and I can feel myself slipping back. Slipping back into my bad eating habits, my sleeping all day and not sleeping at night habits, my hyper-fixating on things in the hope that they’ll make me feel better, shocker, they don’t, but that doesn’t mean my brain didn’t spend 4 hours hyper-fixating on setting up a fish tank that I’ve had the supplies sitting around for months. I stopped after a while and went ‘this isn’t making it better’ and laid down. This is fucking awful, and all I want is for my childhood dog to snuggle with me and I can’t have that because she’s not here anymore either and I’m not allowed to have my own dog. 
This fucking sucks, there is no other way to put it. This. Fucking. Sucks.