as the title states. I've recently realized I don't want to stay in this state of mind. I really just want to learn what i can do to get better. I was mid mental breakdown when i just had this moment of "fuck everything, I just want to feel like I haven't since I was a kid and careless."  
The problem is I don't know how to get there anymore. I people say I should probably just start thinking more positively about myself. Others say I should forgive myself, that I'm not the horrible person I think I am. However, I have no idea how to get there. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act, how to think. I have lived here for so long that not only is it comfortable, it's been the only thing I've known. I don't know how to act for myself without apologizing and I have no idea how to get anywhere else that's not the endless pit of sorrow I've dug for myself. 

In the end, I don't know how to act in order to get better. I want out. I'm tired and I just want the best for the people around me, which means I have to get better too.