I'm looking for advice, not sure if this is the right subreddit but I figure I'll give it a go. This is a bit complicated so let me explain.

I'm a M25... I don't know. And that is one of the biggest things that upsets me, the not knowing my sexuality. Only recently have I been able to begin exploring. I keep flipping back and forth on if I'm asexual, or gay, or bi. It's almost fluid, where I'll go weeks feeling asexual, then I'll feel either into just guys, or into guys and girls. I've got a lot of mental stuff going on too, severe panic disorder and depression. I was on medication for those, and it does help, but the anxiety meds, the SSRI's just kill my ability to be sexual. It's worse than just not being sexual, I still get horny, I still try to masturbate, but it can takes hours to get there and when I do often times the orgasms are just not there. 

The confusion comes to a big part because I'm a furry, as far as the asexual stuff, that's towards humans. I'm almost always into male and female furry art. I'm almost always into, mostly male, fursuit sex videos (murrsuit videos). But when it comes to humans, I go weeks at a time not attracted to them. That alone has made me depressed and sometimes feel suicidal, I feel broken. 

Well, I met this guy a bit back on a furry app, and we have hit it off quite well, and we plan on getting together and hooking up. I want to experiment and see what I like since I've never been with anymore before. I decided I was going to stop taking the SSRI's so I could actually be sexual. About two weeks off them and I'm crazy horny, but also my anxiety is taking over and I'm having panic attacks again.

Growing up in an extremely religious environment, even though I don't believe that stuff, I still have that "Christian guilt" and have been having anxiety attacks about everything. But the most prevailing ones are how I'm not going to be "pure" anymore since I'm going to be losing my virginity. How I'm going to regret it because this isn't a romantic special general romance movie setting, and that because of that I'm ruining my "first time."

I know the very first thing people are going to say is to go back on my medication. And I'm going to, after next week. I don't want to not be able to perform because of some dumb pills. Another thing I've heard before is to try different meds that don't have the side effects. Which, honestly sounds like that comes from people who either have never been on SSRI's or got insanely lucky. I've been on 4 different ones off the top of my head I've been on to the same medical castration results. Lexapro, Zoloft, Paxil, and Celxa all after 8+ months still leave me sexually stunted. 

It really sucks because some people are going to say sex isn't as important as mental health, but it just makes me more depressed and feel even more broken than I already feel if I can't get off after hours of trying. 

So what do I do? How do I stop feeling like my first time needs to be this stereotypical romantic master piece from movies and TV shows? Knowing all of this, what do you say about the medication? I know I need to be on it, I can FEEL that, I feel myself being so much more emotional and anxious, but at the same time I don't want to miss out on things in life. I feel like I'm almost too old to be in the "experimenting" phase, that I should already know what the hell I am, be it gay, or bi, or asexual, or something else. The not knowing, even on the medication when I'm more stable mentally, makes me so depressed and feel broken.