I feel the urge, but I know I won't hit the extremes I used to. My body can't handle it and I'm too exhausted to deal with the morning after. 

I know I should be using better coping skills,  I headed home in full on emotion overload intent on self destruct. I tried to pull back and think of what to do instead and wondered what the fuck do healthy people do? Exercise? Drink a celery smoothie? I'm not going to fucking exercise right now. I am aware that there are better, healthier things people do to cope, but I can't fucking wrap my mind around what would be something a normal person would do, and how?

I tried breathing techniques, I told myself to keep it in that there would be longer term consequences and I knew I didnt want to pay the price no matter how good it would have felt to be released just for a moment. I was walking in extreme cold. Perhaps that was what kept me from going over the edge when I felt a hairsbreadth away.

I think that's why I never wear anything warm enough, the cold always keeps me in check. I can't get too emotional. It focuses me away from anything bothering me to survival, finding ways to get warm, the pain of my ears burning and my numb feet. Sometimes I feel invigorated. Sometimes I feel tougher and better than everyone else in their stupid fashionable and expensive warm coats. Fuck  them for having normal lives untorn by dysfunction and the marks that family leaves on you no matter how much you fight, or try to right or heal them. You can't rub them off. You can't erase them. 

I'm pissed at all the stupid successful affluent assholes who do their healthy things and cleansing diets and whatever the fuck they do for their perfect bodies and expensive well fitting clothes deliberately made to look cadual, like they're fucking ordinary and real.

I know my body is a temple and if I treat it well it treats me well. I know there are healthy alternatives to dealing with bad days and emotion. I know people have told me their healthy ways of handling things so they can go on with their day without disrupting their flow, without losing their way on their path to success. I just can't wrap my mind around how it works.

I decided on harm reduction.  I would do something less bad, and vent to my boyfriend when I got home and he would hug me and say the right things. Nope. My ex was the one that did that. Silly me for wishfully forgetting who he is.

I couldn't tell if he was burnt out by the same ole, or if he had a bad day, or his cleaning up and organizing was more important. Maybe he had something bigger on his mind. Maybe he's sick of me and wants me out but can't tell me. Maybe he just doesn't know what to do, he often says that. He doesn't seem to get the whole comforting, relating, caring, compassion thing that people do. I don't know. He was nice enough to let me eat his leftovers, I was hungry and it made me feel better. He sometimes shows he cares by making sure I have something to eat. And I had hoped he made a little extra for me because he cared, but not. He also tried to cheer me up with a funny video, only it was a prank that went on for a long time with a girl crying in fear and I thought it was awful to do that to her. He is sensitive to people making fun of people sharing his interests, but apparently it's funny to watch a girl being terrified and filmed with people mocking her? I feel sick to my stomach. 

So I watched multiple episodes of a dysfunctional TV show that's actually very funny, rather than watching something that gets more and more depressing,. I couldn't talk about it or share it with him, he wouldn't understand, it would be alien, offensive and threatening. And I know he disapproves when he's walking around pretending to ignore it. I have had friends who would get it and laugh because their families were fucked up and they get it. I found it consoling. Maybe I'm alone now. Maybe I have no gang or niche where I feel at home and accepted, maybe I have no family to go to because they thrive on chaos and drama and I just don't want to deal with it. Maybe my boyfriend doesn't understand me and can't provide the emotional connection I need. But I'm not alone. Someone can play that character and I can relate to her. Someone wrote that show. Someone gets it. I am sad that I watched the season  already and it was so short. I wonder if there will be another. Or if like all the shows I relate to, it will be cancelled. Or warped into some acceptable mainstream bullshit. 

At any I had a moment of comfort, I don't know what to do next time. The show is done.