I don’t know if this is anxiety, I don’t know where to post this.

I’m posting this because last week I got “drunk” for the first time, and I couldn’t tell if I was acting drunk or actually drunk. This is not an isolated thing. A couple of years back I thought I had depression so I went to the doctor, and then once to a psychologist, but then I felt like I was just pretending to be depressed and wasting people’s time and stopped going.

The same happens a lot of the times when I start feeling down, I don’t know if I am pretending to be down, because I could act as if I was okay. Same for when I was “drunk”.

Also, when I feel down and I show it, I guess I feel guilty because it feels like I’m throwing a pity party. Like I could be okay, but choose not to.

I guess I just have a hard time knowing when what I feel is genuine or just me trying to be how I feel like I should feel.

Someone got upset with me when I told them that I didn’t know if I was drunk or not, and kept going back and forth between “yeah, I think I wouldn’t have acted sober like that” and “I don’t think I was drunk, I think I just felt like I was justified acting that was because you thought I was”, which is understandably frustrating and comes off as me being a liar and changing the narrative as I see fit.

(Just for clarification, I didn’t do anything bad or upsetting to anyone while “drunk”, it was the feelng lied to that upset them)