i'm so frustrated with myself and getting into my head. i've been talking to this guy for 4 months now and we had been friends for several months before that but i never saw him as more than a friend until he initiated romantic stuff with me and, of course, my dumb brain made me obsessed. about a month into going on dates, hooking up, etc etc i dropped the "what are we" bomb on him because i was losing my mind not knowing what this was and he told me he doesn't want a serious relationship and he just wants this to be casual and fun. fine. whatever. spending time with him is all that matters to me, i don't care what label we have or lack of label, i'm just grateful to be with him at all. 

anyway, besides the point. there will be times where he's like there, really there. we'll be texting like 24/7, he comes over and spends time with my family, takes me on dates, and just gives me so much positive feedback. then there's other times where he treats me like a total stranger, and will go days without responding to my texts. so it's this virtuous cycle of paranoia and spiraling and fluctuating between hating my life and loving my life and being grateful i met him and wishing i never did. it's nonstop. i hate tormenting myself this way.

when i've vented to friends about this in the past everyone always says "leave him" "this is unhealthy" "don't put yourself through this" all that stuff so please don't bother with that because it's shit advice and not helpful and i'm not leaving this when he means so much to me and when things are good, they're really good. also i lost my virginity to him (yea yea i lost my virginity as an adult haha laugh at the loser) so he means a shit ton to me because that's such an important part of my life i shared with him. so yea, please don't tell me to just distance myself from him or whatever because i can promise you no matter how convincing you think your argument may be i'm not doing that and you're wasting your time.

right now is one of the low points, he hadn't texted me in 6 days (i'm usually the one to text first so i wanted to see if he would text first if i don't) so i finally caved and texted him good morning this morning. it's been 13 hours and he hasn't texted back. radio silence. i'm losing my shit. this has happened before where he has taken a while to respond to my texts and then the moment he does everything is back to sunshine and rainbows blah blah blah but this is the longest we've gone without talking in the 4 months we've been talking. i'm trying hard to ground myself right now but it's really difficult and i'm having trouble thinking about what's going on. he's not the kind of person who would just ghost someone out of nowhere, i know that because i know the type of person he is. plus we're in a club together so it would be really fucking stupid of him to ghost knowing he would have to see me anyway. 

i would love some advice, support, or dbt recommendations. thank you so much.