I (35/f) have a friend (33/f) whose former therapist diagnosed her as having BPD but she does not seem to accept the diagnosis, and if she does, she isn’t actively trying to work through it. She refuses to see a therapist and currently sees a coach, but the coach seems to enable her behavior (and since he is not a certified mental health practitioner, it doesn’t seem that he understands my friend’s patterns of behavior and the underlying diagnosis). I work in the mental health field, so I am trying to be empathetic and understanding of her diagnosis, but am having a hard time because this friend constantly lashes out at me when I do not meet her expectations. It’s evident through her behavior that I’m her FP and over the 6+ years of our friendship, I have not set many (if any) boundaries because that’s something I’ve always struggled with, and I wasn’t really aware of this diagnosis until recently.

It’s often negative with her, she’s constantly putting herself in bad situations due to her heightened emotional states, and it seems like every day she’s venting to me about some new problem or how someone wronged her. She complains she doesn’t have any money (and I’ve given her money in the past to help her care for her cat), but then spends money on things she doesn’t need (i.e. brand new furniture). She complains about the men on dating apps, but rushes into things with them and scares them off. She creates conflicts at work because she cannot keep her emotions in check, and as a result, has been through many jobs over the years. I have been incredibly patient with her throughout our friendship because I care a lot about her and am the only long-term friend she has, but I’ve been going through a LOT recently and over the past year or so, have become increasingly restless and tired of her negativity. I don’t have the emotional availability to be able to support her through her weekly crises, and since I work in the mental health field, I’m already stretched thin between my clients’ issues and my own (my husband had significant health issues earlier this year and almost died – multiple times).

She recently told me she doesn’t feel she can talk to me about anything and that when she does try to seek support from me, I make her feel worse. She doesn’t feel I’m a good friend or that I care about her at all. This came after she I gave her advice about her most recent crisis, and she felt I didn’t support her and that I am always judging her or putting my own opinions onto her. I told her I’d give her space but check in in a few weeks to see where she’s at. We haven’t talked in a couple weeks. She’s going to be visiting my city in a month and I’d like to see her while she’s in town, but confused as to where to go from here.

I’ve been thinking a lot about things and trying to figure out what I want. As I said, I care about her a lot but I can’t continue doing things the way they have been for the past 6+ years. She seems to have it in her head that once she relocates to my city (a tourist attraction on the east coast), she’ll be happy. My concern is that if she does “forgive me” this time around, she’s going to expect that I’ll give her 100% of my time when she moves here, which won’t happen. I have a husband, a demanding job, and other friends – and after the craziness of each work week, I’m usually so exhausted that I only see/talk to my friends every few weeks, if that. I’d like to check in with her but don’t know how to start it. I was thinking of just texting to ask how things are going, how work is, etc. Then depending on her response, I wanted to say something like: 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship and I’m hurt that after the 6+ years that we’ve been friends, you think I haven’t been there for you or care about our friendship. You mentioned that it seems like we can only be friends on my terms, which doesn’t feel very fair given that I haven’t really ever expressed what I need (and as you know, this is something I struggle with in all areas of my life). I care about you a lot, and I would like to move forward and have a fresh start, but I also want to be clear about my needs. I’m incredibly overwhelmed right now – at work, my clients are constantly in crisis and I’m feeling very burnt out, and at home, even though \[husband\] is doing much better, he still has appointments that I have to take him to and our doctor has made it clear that he’s not completely out of the woods yet. That’s on top of my own things that I’m working on with my therapist. Each week, I’m exhausted from the significant amount of trauma my clients are experiencing, as well as what I’m going through and processing. That doesn’t mean that I’m not here for you or don’t care about you, but I can’t be emotionally available for you or \[husband\] or any of my friends as often as you all might need. I’d like to continue being there for you when I’m able to, and if I don’t have the emotional availability to help at that time, then that’s on me to share, and it hasn’t been fair that I’ve expected you to know that when I haven’t spoken up. With that, I am going to do my best to actually ask how I can support you when you come to me, instead of just giving advice or assuming I’m being helpful but not giving you what you need. So again, I’d like to have a fresh start and move forward, and I’d like to reiterate that I can be there for you, but I have other priorities as well and this is what I need to be a better friend.”

I know it’s lengthy, maybe there’s a better way to put it, or maybe I should just end this friendship. It doesn’t make me feel good about myself, I often feel more stressed because of her, and it’s constant drama. I have many lifelong friends and I’ve never had this issue with any of them, so while I know I have things I need to work on, I also know it’s not entirely on me. I really care about her and her well-being, but I’m tired.