i often times wish i died of cancer when i was diagnosed. my life has been so lack luster and full of almost nothing but disappointment after disappointment. the thing i’m happy about living is my parents aren’t sad i’m dead and that i got to experience my baby sister. other than that i truly wish i died. sometimes i wish i still would and self sabotage finding myself an oncologist. i’ve had a lot of experiences with terrible oncologist - like one who literally laughed in my face..

the only reason i’d keep trying is to avoid forcing my parents, sister, and boyfriend from feeling the pain of my passing.

life’s been so hard for me though, and i literally wanna die so i can finally feel peace. everyday of existence is an absolute burden though, and when i’m mocked for how i look externally, or i’m snapped out of dissociation and realize how empty my relationship/life feels.. i’m just burdened with craving death.

i’ve never truly felt peace, and if i could find that in death.. well by all means.

my life is constantly me feeling like i want to live for others and wanting to die for myself. i recently even stopped taking my antidepressants in hopes i’ll go mad enough to kill myself. i truly hate every single day i wake up and realize i’m still alive.