Why does it seem so impossible to make friends? I've been feeling lonely as fuck and part of the reason why I'm so lonely is because I distance myself from people knowing that i tend to destroy any friendship before they can hurt me. I keep trying to set something up to meet with people only to get ghosted 99% of the time and I have no idea why people do this to me but it hurts so bad. I'm considering self mutilation as a reminder that I have little to no worth in this world and I should not even think about meeting new people or making friends. If I have ugly gashes on my arms then I won't want to meet people. Period. I even offer to buy drinks or roll a doobie to break the ice. I have a very clean and welcoming home for visitors and I enjoy taking care of my guests. But nobody wants to meet. People will chat for a short while then suddenly ghost me. Like does anybody bother to end a conversation anymore? I would feel less shifty if they told me no as opposed to going dark and not saying anything at all. Like it fucking hurts to the core when people do this to me and I end up questioning my self-worth and thinking about how bad living really is. This morning I broke down and started crying when someone ghosted me online and I considered cutting myself and I thought about what I would do if I decided to kill myself. I really hate living in the world right now. It is so lonely. Online interaction isn't enough. I'm coming close to my breaking point and i have literally no one who can comfort me or stop me from having a serious manic episode. I dont want to go there, I really don't but in the past when it has happened I was so overwhelmed by my emotions I couldn't stop it. Once someone stopped it from forcing me down on the couch, laying on top of me and stroking my cheeks and telling me "It's okay" but I don't have that kind of support around me anymore. My episodes usually end up with police forcing themselves into my apartment, detaining me and taking me to the hospital for evaluation. I so don't want to go there. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to purge my negative emotions that are starting to bubble at the surface? I have no one to turn to or ask for help with this.