Is it considered splitting if, while I’m crying about something, I’m also thinking “ugh this is so stupid, I don’t have time for this”? 

Like, something will happen and I’ll get triggered, and then it’s like I’m both reacting and watching/listening to myself react??? Is that what splitting is?? 

Background: I’ve been v/e abused/bullied for my entire life for inappropriate emotional outbursts, so a long time ago I guess I managed to just completely lock those down- I don’t really feel anymore? 

Especially since I finally got on meds for my anxiety/depression, since they help regulate my feelings.......nothing. (Which I do prefer over my outbursts of sadness/anger) 

But recently, since [gestures at everything], I feel like my meds don’t really work as well / do as much??? 

So the other day I had two separate outbursts where I suddenly became super depressed/sad and crying uncontrollably. And even while they were happening, I was thinking to myself “have to stay quiet so they can’t hear me” (since I was crying during a work conference call where I was being lectured for almost missing a deadline 🙃) and then later, after work when it happened again, “just stop. This isn’t helpful and accomplishes nothing.” AND THEN I had basically an entire conversation where I told myself I was allowed / encouraged to cry in private about sad things! And then after crying for a while, it just. Stopped. 

??????