I have to constantly keep my brain active and distracted. I have to do this in order to not spiral and experience suicidal ideation. And I'm so tired. I'm so tired of running from my own head. Knowing that I'm going to be in this race for the rest of my life makes me want to die. I can't even sleep to escape it. My PTSD causes unrelenting nightmares. There is no escape. If I don't die from this I'll suffer. I'll make everyone around me suffer. Nobody wants to be around someone so negative. Someone who thinks so low of themself. Someone who doesn't even realize that they hurt people. My family deserves so much better. They deserve a world I can't give them. It's excruciating. Day by day by day just wondering when the spiral will hit. Wondering if I'll have a moment alone in my head. 

Is it just me? Fuvk. I feel like I've lost my mind.