Obviously, this is an alter because I do not want any of my family or friends to see this and know its me. 

Anyway. I am a 25 year old woman. I am twice divorced and have 4 kids who are b10, g9, g6 and 3g.   My 2 older kids live with me full time and have no contact whatsoever with their biofathers.   My 6 yr old is with her Dad every other week 50-50 custody. My 3 yr old lives with her Dad the majority of the time but with me every other weekend and every weds evening for dinner. 

We currently live with my boyfriend of 3 months. Due to some weird circumstances as well as some chronic annoying health stuff I dont work right now. Plus he has his son who is 4 every other week and daycare is stupid expensive.  My boyfriend works full time and handles most of the financial stuff. 

K. Thats the background.  So here is my issue. I hate being sober.  Like despise it.  Not being under influence of something and just being normal is so boring.  I hate it.  If I don't have something to get myself fucked up in some way I am miserable.  It isn't about wanting to numb myself from any pain. I don't really have any. I haven't had any trauma.  Sober is just dull as Hell and I hate being bored worse than anything. Id rather be depressed or pissed or sad than just being bored. And I have literally no desire to stop.