The past 6 months have been especially bad, worse than I could have imagined. The worst thing I could imagine happening (losing my dad) happened. I also lost my cat and my relationship is breaking apart as my partner becomes further gripped in addiction. I would like to say my life prior to all this adversity was a nicer time to look back on, but the depressing thing is I can't say that. This illness has had me in agony even when my life was good in paper. Before this illness, I was an extremely anxious and socially isolated child. I didn't even enjoy my childhood because I often didn't feel safe or that I belong. So I can't be nostalgic for that, either. In recent times, the only thing keeping me going was that once I got the right diagnosis &amp; started DBT, I thought there may be a life without agony ahead. But, it's so hard to stay afloat and keep heading that course. I had the first good day in a long time, I attended my DBT day then took a swim. When I told my partner excitedly about this day, he shut me down, sighing &amp; saying I talk too much. I feel like this relationship is a dying person that I am the only one performing CPR on. If you've done CPR, you know it's exhausting &amp; you're supposed to share it with another person if you can. But he comes along &amp; punches the patient in the guts. The relationship is becoming a no-hoper. I kind of knew this, but I fucking just lost my best friend in the world, my dad. Losing an almost 6yr long relationship with someone I genuinely loved before he started smoking pot every day... it's breaking me. I can't sleep and I am spending so much time investigating suicide methods and trying to get the equipment, etc. I mean, fuck, I am also trying to do my DBT skills but it's this massive fucking battle between a very powerful adversary (Self Destruct) and, what feels like a fucking infant (Healthy normal human fucking shit). Argh. This illness is hell. 