But for some reason something in my mind is stopping me from getting treatment. 
Even with the stuff I really really want to get checked out. Like if I have adhd, which I probably have. I’m suffering from it, work is almost unbearable, I can’t take care of myself and I really want to. Cleaning my room and my kitchen is hell, and from listening to my sister, those things became a lot easier after getting treatment. All my life I’ve heard that I’m lazy, that’s why I’m not cleaning or studying. And yea I didn’t care much about school so my problems weren’t so noticeable. But now when I do care I can feel it. It’s holding me back so hard it’s unbearable. Since most of my family has adhd I think I have as well. And picking up the phone and making 1 phone call would start the process but I can’t. I’m not scared, it’s like my mind is forcing me to forget it or push it up. 

When I had a drug induced psychosis back in November I suffered a great deal. I still feel effects to this day. Yet I lie to the ones close to me that I’m fine, I lie to them about my drug use, they have no idea that I take because I don’t seem like that kind of person. And instead of stop taking and getting checked out as you should if you suffer a psychosis I keep taking random drugs I can get my hands on. It’s easier for me to fry my brain more than to get help. And I’m not addicted to drugs. It’s not like I get a craving, I just do it to, maybe some kind of hidden addiction, but I don’t have any physical effects or mental. And I did have a mental addiction at a point so I know what it’s like.

Another thing why getting checked out is a good idea is because a lot of my family have or had ( because they killed them selfs) bipolar disorder. Yet I don’t, I want to get it checked out but I don’t, I can’t. For no reason. It’s like a part of me is saying I’m fine, that I’m stable, nothing is wrong. But then I catch myself having super weird behaviors. But it’s all hidden, most people don’t know what I do, they would think I’m pretty normal. Calm and a little held back maybe. I’m not shy but I’m not talkative.

I already have been diagnosed with ptsd since so was abused by a foster care home when I was a child, than sexually abused again on a separate occasion. I must have been a very sexy boy I guess :) because that’s some fucked up luck haha. They never went in and looked if I had anything else which is weird when I think about it.

I lie a lot, small stuff. I was gaslighting my ex, over small stupid stuff. Didn’t even realize it until I saw a video on it. Im very ashamed over it and I won’t ever do something like that again. Thankfully since it was over stupid shit I didn’t do any harm, we left on good terms. 

Also get very weird ideas, right now I’m starving myself, instead of going on a diet. It feels better to not eat than to diet, it’s not like I hate diet food, I think it’s very yummy in fact, but for some reason I really really really want to starve myself. 

It’s so weird. I’m lying on my sofa and thinking. It’s like my heart knows something is wrong, yet logic part of my brain is saying I’m fine, which I know it’s not yet it feels fine. It’s a strange feeling.

Sorry for the long text, grammar mistakes and everything. Idk if anyone relate but some kind of advice would be nice! I don’t want to drag anyone’s mood down so just remember I feel fine, just some minor things that are bother me, which I felt the need to talk about.

I’m gonna try my best to make the call tomorrow
I’m tried if this for a start, it might happen, who knows, I don’t that’s for sure.

Thx for reading if anyone did!