I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts lately. just absolutely catastrophizing with my uncontrollable daydreams and I think I've convinced myself that my girlfriend/FP will inevitably leave me for someone else. I keep involuntarily thinking of how I'll make my leave and find a nice lil place for me and my pets. i don't want to think about that stuff. 

So I fill my time with whatever I can find. Youtube, Netflix. Documentaries. Cleaning. Doing my nails, giving myself a tattoo. Cooking, drawing, video games. More video games. Trying to hide how heartbroken I am over something that hasn't even happened yet. I don't fully enjoy any of it. I threw myself into my job and got the privilege of being on a 3-month project that will boost my pay for a while. I'm not sure if I'm happy about it, really.

I thought maybe if I redecorate and finally hang up my framed prints and whatnot and make this house feel more like **my home** I'd feel better. I'd feel more secure, and be proud of myself. but i don't. It doesn't feel like my home. I thought maybe if I worked harder to be a better girlfriend, took better care of myself, took initiative.. well, I just feel worse. Hollowed out, there's nothing inside me. Something's off. Those things usually help, at least for a little bit, at least for a few minutes. My DBT isn't helping.

I just feel numb with a side of heartbreak over shit that hasn't even happened.