looong post

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for background, well there is no background, that's kind of the whole thing.

I (17m) have basically been raised in borderline isolation from the world, and am only now starting to realize just how much I've "missed" over the years. I'm an only child, and was born to parents who clearly weren't exactly ready for a child, but I give them props for trying.

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I say "borderline" because it wasn't done directly and my parents have somewhat tried to push me in the right direction; but their paranoia and their strongly held religious and political values and beliefs pretty much indirectly walled me off for 17 years. I was taken out of the private church school I used to go to and my only interactions with the outside world were in the form of church groups and sports, which I hated both of.

They basically keep me in this bubble where they act up or freak out whenever I do something outside of it out of some fear that I'll be "brainwashed" or whatever.

I'm just sick of growing up watching myself get older while I've never been able to grow mentally. Everything I ever took a liking to was shot down the moment my parents found it, not even supposed to be on most internet sites but I've found this place to be the most comforting since I can actually talk to who I want to and do what I want to.

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I don't feel any emotions whatsoever, nor do I really remember what they felt like.

I don't have hardly any friends, and I've never been truly close with anyone before, even my parents.

Never had a girlfriend, I can say with full confidence that nobody's even liked me before, since I've only met about 2 women in my entire fucking life, one of which had/has a boyfriend and the other of which is gay.

I haven't had a crush on anyone either before, but I hear people talk about it and kind of wish it would happen to me.

I can't figure out what I like and don't like anymore.

I don't have any hobbies that interest me.

I don't even trust my own evaluations for "how I feel" or whatever. 

I'm really tired every day, as of writing this I'm somewhere around 80-90 assignments overdue on my online school and just can't find the energy or will to even open the website anymore.

My parents won't help me, they just call me lazy every day and punish me on loop for the constant overdue assignments.

My parents extremely conservative and christian beliefs that they've imposed on me makes my head spin when trying to think about what's going on in the world and I can't even really form my own opinions anymore just out of sheer paranoia.

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I can't get a grip on anything. Can't get a grip on reality, myself, what I believe, my emotions if I even have any.

I'm literally a complete non-person. Like if there was a contest for least human human I would win first prize. I am living in this absolute schrodinger's cat limbo with no way out.

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if you've had some kind of similar experience it would be nice to hear i'm not alone actually. because i have yet to actually find anyone else.