I’m in a weird space tonight, and it got me thinking. Most of the time I’m pretty ok, I’ve come a long ways and I’m content with the level of stability I have now. But man, once in a while it hits me, having bipolar disorder has held me back so much, and I feel like it puts a cap on what I can truly functionally do.

Context, I have a pretty good job which is in my field of study, I make ok money, I have a car and a decent apartment. But due to horrible money management skill, and very excessive manic spending sprees, I’m just scraping by. Like, the lights are on, but I’ve got $50 to make it through the week. Im in debt, so much debt, it’s overwhelming. Im also well behind my peers in milestones like fun trips and homeownership and career progression. I was hired roughly 9 months prior to a coworker who is 10 years my junior, and we have the same position and title.

It feels like it caps my potential as well. Like I can only go so far because of the limitations of bipolar disorder (I have pretty severe ADHD too which definitely does not help). I have dreams and aspirations of being a technical expert in my field. Having pay, title, and authority to make decisions reflexive of such. But when I look ahead to that, it feels out of my reach, forever, because who in their right mind would give me authority? Sometimes (a lot of times) I forget things because of the meds and their effects on cognitive function. Sometimes I hyper focus on things and coworkers think I’m intense and weird. I work hard, I think I’m good at what I do, but it really just feels like there’s some kind of barrier that keeps my only going so far, and I think I’ve reached that. In my mid-30s.

Anyway, sorry for whining. I am usually gentle on myself, and can remember that I’m in the place I am now where I can think about these kinds of things, which is a far cry from where I was 4-5 years ago. But goddam is it hard just when the bare minimum takes so much fucking work.