Over the past 1.5 years I (23F) have revisited googling about BPD multiple times. When I read about it, I feel like I can relate to quite a lot of things. I guess I just want to know if anyone relates to the things I go through at all? I’m undiagnosed and you may disagree these are even BPD tendencies (if so, I apologize), but this was the closest place I feel like I can find to anyone understanding me..

I’ll try to provide potentially important details/explain some things. I’m 23F and in a serious relationship. We’ve been best friends since 6 years ago, been dating for almost 2 years and live together for the past year. 

The following things happen when in a conflict/argument with my boyfriend:

- I get extremely stressed and overwhelmed when we have any type of issue or if I feel like he’s upset/mad in any way. It becomes a huge deal for me if he walks away mid conflict. I become extremely frustrated/hurt/sad when he’s not doing everything he can to comfort me physically/verbally. I would say things of this sort affect me wayyyy more than the “average” person. 
- I often feel abandoned and like I have to beg for him to love me/care/worry about me even though he is going through a lot too and is trying to process or needs time/space. In my head, it feels like its mainly about me, like I deserve all the care and comfort right now. If I don’t get it, this is often what sparks a breakdown. I care about his side of things but I often go into survival mode and want myself to be okay and do whatever it takes to feel loved and not feel abandoned. Sometimes I notice afterwards that I really just portrayed myself as the victim. However, once things are resolved for me due to his actions, I am then capable of caring for him more properly. 
- I get very impatient and if I feel like he’s given up, I come after him and say anything I can to get the resolution I want. Sometimes I make bitter/snarky comments that will escalate the situation or I get extremely sad and desperate and come to him crying and begging. 
- If he gets angry and tries to leave I try to run after him and physically stop him by blocking his path or hold onto his arm to please stay (I really don’t try to harm him at all) 
- In many instances, if things get even a bit heated and I’m too overwhelmed, I run to the bathroom and sit on the floor or in the bathtub, curl into a ball, don’t move and sulk for several minutes to an hour or more. When I do this I always wait for him to come after me and comfort me and show that he cares enough to not let me leave. I don’t leave with the intention of just doing it for attention but once I’m in there I feel like he should be coming after me. If I can’t wait any longer, I’ll come up to him like mentioned in a previous point. 
- There has been an instance that I’ve gotten so angry and completely trashed our bathroom (thrown everything around and broken things) after waiting for him to come after me in there and he wasn’t coming. 
- (TW: self harm) I used to bang my head against the wall to self harm if I broke down during an argument and couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve cut my wrist with a razor which I have a scar from. After multiple incidents of attempting to try that again, my bf has taken any razors I had. I adapted to aggressively scratching my inner thighs until I bleed. I have scars from this too. I’ve been trying really hard recently to not resort to these things and am doing a lot better with it now so it’s not an urgent issue. 
- I get stressed if I don’t know what he’s up to/where he is/if he takes a long time to reply over text. Mainly when he’s with friends/out. I spam him and get extremely panicked and upset. 
- I feel like I can’t be okay without him. If I’m upset or having a breakdown, I need him to be there to comfort me and help me fix it. If he’s not or if I feel an ounce of abandonment, it escalates heavily for me. 
- I often start forming specific expectations within the conflict of how I wish he’d react and if he doesn’t meet my expectations, it turns out very badly because I don’t feel cared for/satisfied
- I have to be convinced really hard that he cares/loves me or that he’s not mad at me
- Even if I start the conflicts, it ends in me sobbing and saying sorry 100 times and begging for forgiveness. I convince myself that it was all my fault (even if it wasnt) and I need to fix it. I really fear him being mad or upset or leaving, even if it’s just to get some space/have a breather. I just want us to be okay and for him to hug me and tell me things that will make it better. 
- I can’t take pain or handle being upset so badly that sometimes I end up in a state where I attempt to convince myself and act like something that just happened, didn’t happen. If thinking about it causes me way too much stress. 
- Because of the same reason, if I feel like an argument gets too heated or my bf is too mad and I can’t take it anymore and I’m desperate, I basically force myself to snap into being fine. If it means we can go back to normal and be okay, I wipe all my tears away and stop crying and start smiling and acting like everything is all good and dandy. 
- There are have been a couple times where I instantly try initiate sex in attempt to “make him love me” again during a conflict. He’s always stopped this as he can tell I’m not thinking straight. I feel embarrassed after. 
- I use sarcasm as a defence mechanism but it’s also my sense of humour. It can just turn negative when I’m upset like this. 
- In my right state of mind, I know my boyfriend unconditionally loves me and he shows me everyday. I feel like if it weren’t for the way I am, we wouldn’t have anywhere near the amount of fights we do. 
- I also want to add that my actions aren’t calculated/thought out when it happens. Everything happens impulsively and as if my brain is trained to react in these ways. It’s only until the moments have past that I realize what has happened/what I’ve done wrong. 
- I’m starting to notice the reality of my trust issues. I’ve always convinced myself that I trusted him, but after going through some of these things I now feel like I deep down truly do have issues with trust cause if I did fully trust him to not abandon me in anyway I feel like I wouldn’t act this way. I just get so afraid. 
- Things like this can happen with my parents too.  For example, I’ve recently found out my dad has a girlfriend (I haven’t met her yet because I’m taking it pretty hard.) On my birthday, when my dad came to hand me flowers he also asked me about getting his gf a discount on something from the shop I work at. I responded awkwardly, but politely. Once I went back inside I started thinking of all the times I feel like he puts his gf before me and I came out and threw the flowers in his direction and screaming which started a conflict where I kept yelling and yelling. 

Background:
- I grew up as an only child, but already struggled with fighting for attention at a young age. My mom was loud/violent/angry. My dad has an avoidant personality, causing him to ignore things because he is reluctant to dealing with conflict/confrontation. I have childhood memories of getting upset/sad and crying then either getting loud/violent responses from my mom or getting ignored by my dad. I grew up feeling alone in hard times, but I still loved both my parents a lot. I didn’t grow up with that much affection from them and they weren’t the type to say “I love you” to me like how I’d hear my friends parents say to them. I was also an extremely jealous child when it came to seeing my parents affectionate with each other. I guess because I wanted the attention instead and felt left out? 
- I go to therapy and mainly talk about the above things, my current relationship with my parents (they’re now recently separated) and how it affects me/my romantic relationship today, but never specifically anything about BPD. My relationship with my parents have always been quite distant which is something I struggle with. I don’t truly FEEL loved by them or like we have a connection. 
- As a teenager, I had big breakdowns if I felt like my parents didn’t care about me, even if I had gotten that feeling indirectly or from something “small.” This would result in me screaming, yelling, sobbing, slamming doors. It felt like this was the only way to get them to care or give me attention even if it resulted in negative attention, it would still mean they’re concerning themselves with me. I would also threaten suicide or exclaim that I wish I was dead (in those overwhelming moments, I do feel like that.) There was one breakdown I remember ending in me hysterically questioning why my dad doesn’t love me because he never says it. He then said it and I was able to calm down.

Sorry if this post is all over the place. I’m unstable and just tried to share as much as I can to give you the best feel for what happens with me. I constantly feel so much guilt and emptiness for the way I am. When I’m not in these episodes, I see myself as someone extremely devoted to the people I care about; if I’m not in these states I will put my loved ones needs before mine for selfless reasons. I feel like a kind, genuine and honest person who is really conscious of other people and making them feel comfortable/welcomed by my presence. I worry a lot about what people think of me, I want to make sure everyone feels/knows how nice and caring I am as that feels like my true, genuine self. I hate it so much that I can get this way when I get triggered by abandonment (my therapist says everything is due to how my parents dealt with me being upset when I was younger.) When I feel this way I just want to disappear. I feel like a huge burden and like I ruin my relationship with the person I love the most. 

Can anyone relate at all? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you