Fuck zizek fuck philosophy fuck my partner fuck anything and everything that gives me some weird hope that I’ll be able to ride my way into success. Maybe I just crave attention. Maybe I’m dying to be heard. But I can’t handle living in the same place with someone who thinks the way you do. I want to live in dreamland I want to create the world but I also just want to be able to feel joy and calm like this all seems to promise. I’m at peace now more than ever yet the frustration I experience is so jagged and piercing right through me. My mind is clouded and I don’t know if it’s the shitty coffee I refuse to stop drinking or if it’s fantasy twisting my mind into knots. Is any of this real?? Am I even real? Far less competent individuals have rode their way to success with a strong partner making up for what they lack. 

I don’t want to be anything. I’ve always known that. And a sense of purpose shouldn’t change the place I have no choice in holding. The comparisons and comparing us only reveal potentials. It’s not something to envy. It’s to note. I am noting it all. 

Writing a book isn’t the most daunting task. 
Being the loudest voice is less scary than I think. No one is going to listen yet they still hear me whether they like it or not. 

I want to want to kiss. I want to kiss more than you but that’s a conversation for another time.