This will be a long one. 

I’m not sure what’s been wrong with me all my life. Ever since I was little, tasks like tidying didn’t appeal to me. My mum kept a normal, tidy house. Not messy at all, but not pristine. Single mum two kids kind of neat and tidy. I just don’t care. Mess? Dirty plates? Clothes everywhere? I seem to be comfortable. It ruins my relationships because I seem to be such a slob. I can sometimes get so worked up about it that I will start pulling out my hair. I will completely cut off people who tell me to tidy if I don’t stop myself. And it’s very hard to stop myself.

As well as this, I seem to constantly fight with people over text at night time. Namely my boyfriends. Over the 7 years I’ve dated, I’ve fought at night with every boyfriend I’ve ever had if I don’t turn my phone off. I alienate them in one way or another. It’s like I’m just watching myself type too. Like I can’t control it. Inside my head I can be screaming, or There’s silence to the point I can’t even talk to myself to stop myself. During the day I’m an emotional, loud, extroverted person, but at night I want to make everyone leave me alone, hate me, and sometimes I feel like I’m enjoying it. 

I have self harmed for these reasons lazy I have brought myself down, starved myself, comfort eaten, exercised to the point I passed out, not changed clothes or showered for days. My doc says depression but why am I so depressed only at night? Why does it seem that as soon as I get into bed and lift my phone I completely lose control? Why am I comfortable to sit on the sofa beside last weeks dinner plate? I swing from being so comfortable and smiling to being so aggravated at myself for being comfortable. But neither mood makes me tidy. 

Any advice at all welcome.