I'm so friggin tired but i do not want to sleep because i dread tomorrow. Not for any real reason other than i just dont want tomorrow to happen. Every day is shittier than the last and i just dont want any more to happen. Every day I'm left so  exhausted because my normal self is at a constant battle with my anxious self., which i treat like another person because that's what it's like. Anxious me wants to kill everything good and promising in my life where normal me just wants everything to be fine and believes in most things and trusts my gut feelings. 
For eg, my lovely partner has been working away for about 4 months now and every weekend there's a perfectly explainable and decent reason as to why he can't come home (i currently reside with mum n her hubby)... like the car broke down or there was a huge fuck up at his work etc etc etc... but my anxious self just niggles away at me and jumps to the thoughts that he's cheating, he's done with me, he's sick of putting up with me... and just sends me on a roller-coaster of doubt and self hate to the point where i feel like i should let him go because he deserves better than me. There's a lot of factors leading up to why our lives are the way they are but my anxious self tries to make me believe different. This is more so a vent than anything, i love this guy and I'm gonna marry him because we are soul mates but at the same time, anxious me wants to let him go and fuck him off because I'm better off being miserable alone. 
This is really just a vent. If you've taken the time to have a read i thank you and apologise for my patheticness. I know there's so many people who suffer worse than this and here i go again, i shouldn't bother anyone with my petty excuse of anxiety/ depression but i feel you guys are the only ones to vent to who understand. I can't afford a physiologist, otherwise I'd see one. I currently do take meds which mainly just give me a lil motivation boost to get out of bed everyday. 
I'm just so sick of hiding. Normal me wants to get out there and show the world what i am made of but then anxious me steps up. 
I'm done. Not suicidal or anything, just done, fucking over it, wiped out, exhausted, done.