Sooo, a *huge* part of my anxiety is rooted in the feelings surrounding being nauseas and/or throwing up. Truthfully, I don’t mind throwing up at all. I actually get an endorphin rush (like a runner’s high) from it- what I can’t stand at all is the nausea leading up to it. 

What’s even worse though is that one of the major symptoms of my anxiety is, you guessed it- nausea. When I had my first anxiety attack last year, it lasted almost three days off-and-on. I would get anxious, feel nauseas, lose my appetite, and when I finally calmed down my stomach would hurt so bad from hunger that it’s freak me out back into anxiety. 

Prior to my anxiety I’d basically just have full-on meltdowns when I was sick with a stomach bug. Panicked walking and talking, crying, almost like a stress-induced temper tantrum but all the anger was just utter despair. I haven’t been sick since my anxiety, but just last week I was constipated and it *almost* sent me spiraling like my first anxiety attack.

Now, I’m getting my second dose of the vaccine tomorrow (Moderna). I’m a 20 year-old male, and before this pandemic I would’ve said I had a fairly good immune system (I haven’t been sick beyond a cold for a few years, knocking on wood). My first shot had basically zero side affects other than fatigue, and as far as I know I’ve never caught COVID prior. 

Today my friend said her friend got the first dose and was fine- when she got the second of the Moderna though she ended up puking her guts out for a whole day and that thought alone has made me so anxious it’s getting hard to even talk about it without my tummy getting mad at me. 

I’m *TERRIFIED* this second dose will make me ill, and all the doctors are saying “Stronger immune systems=stronger reactions”, and “if you had weak side effects the first time then expect stronger ones the second time”, etc. 

So now I have a dilemma; What if I get the shot and throw up? Will my anxiety attack stop this time, or will I be caught in that loop again? Last time I FORCED myself to eat 5 crackers and almost threw them up every bite... it took two hours to eat them. Then I had to force down an actual meal. I can’t do that again, that one incident left me with “after shocks” of anxiety attacks for a whole month. 

Then there’s the alternative- I get no symptoms... but what if I worry SO MUCH about them that I give myself those symptoms? With my first dose I hadn’t even known there were side effects until immediately before getting them, and all I thought was that they were a fever and chills and there was a tiny chance I’d be allergic... just that limited information made my heart rate elevate the rest of the day. 

I’m really wigging out about it now, and I’m starting to flat out consider not even getting the second dose which is completely irrational and stupid but, then again- if I had to choose between staying isolated for another year versus having even 3 days of that anxiety again, I’d choose the isolation in a heart beat. I’d rather get Rapunzled the rest of my life than go through those three stupid days again.