Idk where else to put this and I just really need to get this out so here it goes.

I’m so lost. I’m 28 years old and I’ve struggled with depression for quite some time now. I’m lonely, scared, sad, and frankly I’m just unsure of where my life will be in the next year even. My days consist of distracting myself with YouTube mostly or the occasional online fast past online game so I don’t have time to think about my life while I’m playing.

I’ve finally came out as gay earlier this year in June and I thought that was a big reason for my depression. Turns out, it seems to have made my depression only worse. I’ve know I was gay since I was just 11 but i literally never told anyone until this year. I’ve never been in a relationship, I have very minimal friends, and I just feel like such a lost cause. I thought coming out would open a new chapter of my life but I’m terrified of trying to go out on a date or meet new friends. I feel I completely lost my fun personality I used to have and I take everything so serious these days. I truly feel I will never be who I once was. I feel like after being in the closet for so long, then finally coming out, my whole life has just been one big lie. I don’t even feel I know who I am anymore. I’m fucking miserable.

I’ve tried therapy in the past but I never truly opened up previously. I want to try it again and actually give it a real shot but I’m also terrified of that. It’s like I’m terrified to actually do anything that will potentially make my life better. I think it’s because I feel nothing will work and no one really cares. I’ve been dealing with this for so long it just seems it’s my life now. I just want to be able to live my life. I can’t focus on anything besides my phone, and I find almost no joy or just can’t focus on things I once loved doing.

I know dabbing and smoking everyday while feeling like this has made it all that much worse and I have since quit, but I always seem to go back and it makes the situation so much worse. I’ve struggled with addiction to drugs my whole life and weed was the one thing keeping me sane, but I know it’s an issue. I used it to not think about how miserable my life is, to pass the days away, and to be okay with being bored all the time. I’ve always used it as a safety net to just feel completely numb and to forget about the world. 

I feel I can’t even put my thoughts together properly so I apologize if this post seems very all over the place. I applaud you for reading this post of me dumping my thoughts if you got this far. I don’t like venting to my friends anymore because I feel it’s a weekly thing I do to them at this point, and I really feel guilty and shitty venting my frustrations to them so often, so writing this has really helped me vent. Thank you.