Hi, I don’t use Reddit often but here I am lying in bed and Im curious what the internet thinks.

Lately ive been having problems controlling myself, and by that I mean shaking and flinching. Ill be randomly standing in line, and ill be speaking to a cashier, and my hands will ever so slighty shake, so will my legs so I lock them, let me be clear, I was not afraid, I was comfortable till I started shaking, then I was embarrassed. 

I cant control it no matter how hard I try, and its extremely embarrassing as a guy to be shaking doing simple things, for example, I was holding a paper up to show everyone and my hands start shaking, I guess I was nervous, but nonetheless, embarrassing :(. 

Ok now I wanna see what you guys think about this, im not asking for pity just thoughts please, this was over 6 years ago and my life is very well off today. When I was in High School, I was bullied, not relentlessly like you see in films where you get wedgies, lunch money stolen ect, but I was made fun of alot for being skinny, I was called albino, anorexic and a holocaust survivor quite often, more than youd think (I then shaped my self up over the next 6 years from a measly 104 pounds to 220 pounds through weightlifting:) )Generally, people didnt really like me, I didnt have any after school activities I took part in, sports were out of the question because I was, and still am, unathletic sadly, I tried many sports over many years but was terrible. Side note, I had EXTREME anxiety when playing sports, not the games themselves but the SPECTATORS, they defiantly judged and hearing them trash talk me really got me upset, and I played even worse, airballs and failed football catches for days. I sometimes would cry at home and my grandpa got mad at me for crying cause he was a pretty tough guy. They forced me to keep playing from age 6-16 cause I had no other activities /: understandable but just bad circumstances.
No kids lived on my block either so I had no one to play with during my childhood, I lived with my grandparents so they werent very active either. Also my sister didnt play with me as a kid.

Anywho, one year in High School P.E I got into a fight, guy was twice my size and beat my ass, I should have just walked away but I didn’t want to be a coward, I thought that If I proved I wasnt afraid to fight, win or lose, theyd respect me.(I did not provoke the fight, the guy had been throwing basketballs at my head and I got annoyed and threw his ball behind the bleachers) WRONG! it was recorded and spread allll across the school. One of my old buddies even told me I was trending online, awesome. I just walked out of school that day so the kids wouldn’t bug me about it all day, I expected to be embarrassed for the next month but not the rest of the year. Man, people made sure I DID NOT forget I lost and badly, people I didnt even know, or ever SEEN despised me, I was a running gag.

Countless people mocking me because I couldn’t fight, people called me a future school shooter (Which only told me in my head that they knew what they were doing was wrong, and were expecting me to get revenge :(, let me add that I promised myself that If I ever thought of shooting up the school I would just commit suicide.) Twice I had milk poured on my head, I was kicked out of my friend group lunch table and ate lunch in the bathroom, till the teachers found out and said that wasn’t allowed, I then ate in the corner of the lunchroom (The rules really sucked because you were REQUIRED to be in the lunchroom, cant leave campus, cant leave the room) I had random people step on the back of my shoes crushing the backside of its, kinda ruining them but it was ok cause I was not a guy who cares about my clothes alot. They of course snickered and left. My best friend at the time showed the the video at-least once a day at the lunch table (Before I was kicked out), everyone laughed, I of course did not.

I was also in ROTC, I was called army boy alot, I had a military style bag that my step dad sent mailed me from his campaign in the middle east, I was made fun for having it every day but I couldnt get another backpack so being called army-boy was also the usual. I wasnt into the whole “Uptight army in highschool thing”... it was just embarrassing. And having to wear a replica army uniform... in school on every Wenesday for a grade... oh my god it was torture. Boy scout this boy scout that, “youd never survive the real army”, “oh no I scuffed your shoes, gonna do a 21st salute now?” Like man, I didnt sign up for dressing up like this. 

One of my previous friends, ran cross country with me (Which I forgot to mention, was the primary reason I was skinny, I ran ALOT), started rolling with a new group after I go viral, and it was heartbreaking that the last thing my friend said to me to this day was, “Damn _____ (My Name), you got your ass beat!” *Laughs*

When I say alot of people hated me I MEAN IT, not two, not twelve, maybe not even 50, id guess around 60+ people had a new acquired hatred THAT I MET, im sure there were more who I never crossed paths with, or maybe some people who saw me online? And Im not saying the old, “You only think they hate you cause your anxious,” no, I PROMISE YOU that atleast 50+ people at the very least did NOT like me.


One of the most HEARTBREAKING things for me at the time though, was my at the time crush, started dating one of the two people I hated most after the fight. Oh man, indescribable teenage pain to see your crush revel and agree with your enemy that your a wimp, man so painful. More ok that later.

I would say I was still brave though because I counted 6 girls I asked out in High School in person, all sadly didn’t like me but im proud that I-was brave enough to ask face to face, now a day’s people ask out through snapchat and I-Phones.

I never hated the guy who beat me up and still dont, I loath people who literally had NOTHING to do with the situation and made my life miserable, I have two people in mind but of course I will not name names.

One of which, I talked about earlier, ever so kindly introduced my hatred for him by the following.
-“Borrows” my lunch ID card without asking me 
-Walks out of line, tosses the card into my lap and says “Youre ugly, kid.”
-Walks right up to my crush and holds her hand, they were now dating. Somehow, he knew I had a crush on her (Probably one of my previous friends telling him)
God damn, that huuuuuurt 🥲

I will say, that in Biology though, we were doing some arts class project and I dropped a macaroni noodle and one of the two guys FLIPPED OUT on me, calling me useless and garbage ect, and this might be kinda funny to you, but I distinctly remembering wanting to put my hand behind his head and bash his head into the table over and over. I didnt but oh well.

Other one that I hated was in ROTC with me, we did some silly marching parade thing and this is how he introduced my hatred for him.

Hes set for marching behind me, before we start he looks at me, I dont know him, but he knows me, he gets close to me and says “I saw your video, ive never laughed harder in my life, if you want I can make a second one for you.” Proceeds to step on my shoes the ENTIRE parade 😑 fuck that guy, he did much more but thats all ill say.

People really banded up on me and id say used me as a punching bag once the school unofficial declared me “fair game”, and no one would get crap for doing it. People id never knew would put there anger out onto me, really hurt. I used to dread going to school every morning, my sister drove me to school and my first step out of the car I was filled with DREAD. Another thing, I never cut or anything but sometimes when I sat in class Id reflect on my situation and get REALLY sad, silently, and my wrist felt weird, like the blood pressure went down. 

Eventually, I just thought that EVERYONE hated me which I think is a reasonable thought, and just wasn’t anxious, I did t care because I knew that peoples minds were already made up about me, and thats when I kinda started not caring and stuck some headphones in my music player and listened to American Idiot on repeat for an hour lol.

A funny little story, I had changed Spanish Classes mid year, and I knock on the door and one of the students walks up to the door window and has the most displeased look EVER! She sat at the door angrily staring at me for maybe 8 seconds, and at this point I knew what was going on and gave the cheesiest smile ever to her lol, she got angry and refused to open the door for me, teacher comes opens the door, I come up front annnnd her goon squad is already staring me down walking into the room. Sit next to a girl, she scoots her desk maybe 2 feet away from me and the whole class laughs. Augh, you cant win against groups, I learned that. People typically made fun of me in groups.

Another lil story, this one makes me feel good, I am not a very good shit talker, I cant think of I cant think of smart Ass insults on the fly, well in English a track guy is for some reason randomly calling me names... and I without thinking say “If you ran as much as your mouth did, maybe youd win in track,” Wooo boy, I felt SO good saying that, whole class said nothing, just were looking at one another. Apparently that wasnt smart ass enough though because the whole class thought that insult sucked and laughed at me, cant win against groups.


My family NEVER found out and to this day still dont know, I just never told them cause I didnt want them to know I lost. Ended up moving back with my parents, im not very connected to them and im kinda resent-full that my step-dad never taught me sports skills as a kid so I could be a good player. I went off to college, and im almost done now, I took up weightlifting and Id say got myself in shape, got a pretty girlfriend now but im still fear-full of getting into fights, thats my biggest concern now, not the fight itself but being recorded and the social penalty of losing.

Gonna be serious, I got a tear rolling down my cheek after writing that but im happy my lifes well, and ive improved myself. Though I still wanna stop my flinching and shaking, and overall fear of getting recorded fighting.