I wish I’ve never made those mistakes. I’ve wished I was reborn as something better. I wish to forget the pain and move on. 

But they say to never let it go because I need it as an important lesson. I’m Fighting a battle I cannot hope to even win. 

Everytime I take 3 steps forward I get pushed 100 steps back. Everytime I try to help others, I fail and lose.

And here I am still battling these demons, the result of bad choices and bad luck and so much bad, I can’t even shake them off.

Nightmares, and dreams of suicide, PTSD, the pills, the doctors, I’ll never forget it. 

And I can’t even end it if I want to. That damn little light of hope and fire I have left in my heart won’t let me end it! 

I’ve failed so many times, as a successor, a student, a sibling, a mediator, and it keeps replaying in my damn head. The disappointments, the failures, the shame. 

I’m so angry with myself. I don’t want to be mad anymore.