Hello! For context, I’m 20 and I am having a very hard time leaving my FB/our TOXIC relationship. I struggle the most with impulsivity and abandonment issues, and staying consistent with my decisions and feelings. I know how stupid it sounds that I’ve stayed through what I’m about to describe, but I have very low self-esteem and my mental health has been at rock bottom for the past two years, and I really have trouble pushing myself to do ANYTHING good for me right now. I can’t even figure out for myself why I haven’t been able to leave. 

My FB and I have been beating a dead bush for six months. This relationship has been bad since 2-3 weeks in, and has gotten worse with every breakup, issue, or argument. I care about him, but I can’t say I ever loved him. Somehow, I can’t leave despite being able to acknowledge these things. 

He is abusive. He yells at me daily, he puts me down and talks condescendingly over me asking “stupid questions” but also puts me down if I DON’T ask questions and assume. He expects me to read his mind, and it’s always an argument if I guess wrong. He USES me. He has lived in my apartment for two months rent-free (refusing to pay rent), I have tried to have him removed by the police but he used squatters rights as means to stay. He has racked up $2500 in debt to me expecting me to pay for everything because he’s unemployed and refuses to get a job. I even lent him $400 for tools for a $1k/week construction job he chose to not even start. I finally got him out of my home last week by paying $400 to get him into a sober living house, after paying $800 to get his car out of impound (he was arrested for DUI, and he manipulated me into paying it because I was the one who called the police because he refused to let me pick him up). He disrespects me constantly, he calls me obese and a whore when we fight, he breaks my stuff, he steals my vehicles and threatens to crash/abandon them. He threatens to not pay me back what he owes me. He disregards my feelings and every single one of my boundaries. I am expected to be his mother.

The man is INCAPABLE of taking accountability. Every argument or problem is my fault in his eyes, or I’m “overreacting”. It ALWAYS gets nasty. It ALWAYS gets immature. It always ends in blood curdling screaming on both ends.

I’m not innocent. I am erratic, I have mood swings, I am MEAN!!!! when I am mad, I yell first a lot of the time. I am not trying to avoid accountability, but I was able to manage my BPD pretty well before I met him, and he brings out the absolute worst side of me I have ever seen. He’s hit me, but I’ve hit him. I’ve called the cops on him, but he’s called the cops on me as well. I am not easy to be in a relationship with, but I am also so caring when I’m not upset, I am bending over backwards at every opportunity.

We have broken up and gotten back together at least 25 times. The fight always dies and we forget about it and love bomb eachother 15-20 minutes later. Every time I’ve successfully gotten him to leave, I’ve invited him back when I calm down. It’s almost like I completely shut the bad things he does out when things are good, I romanicize him and convince myself his manipulative words that “he’s gonna change” are true, despite being let down over and over.

I want so desperately to leave. I KNOW, and I’ve known for a long time, it will never work and it will never be good. And I do leave, but as I said, I ALWAYS come back. No matter how much I convince myself “I’m really leaving, I’m putting myself first”, I change my mind. 

I’m SO close to leaving, I can feel it, he moved out, I still see him almost daily, but I have been less forgiving and have been loving myself more and recognizing I deserve a lot better after I take the steps to manage my BPD better. 

I’m 20 and my father died three months ago, and I have no friends, no support system other than my FP and my mom. I have been avoiding the grief and guilt (I didn’t talk to my dad for a year before he died), and my FP has been my distraction. I am terrified the feelings are going to be so overwhelming. My BPD convinces me every time I cannot make it through the grieving process alone. But the rational side of me KNOWS this relationship has put 100x more stress on me than I would have had grieving alone, I am grieving AND fighting DAILY with the person I’ve wanted to be my peace in the storm. 

I just really need some honesty and words of encouragement to get myself out of this situation. My mom has given up trying to help me get out because I haven’t followed through. I am alone in this and I need help finding the strength to accept the pain I’m about the feel. I need tips on how to avoid checking up on him or panicking he’s moving on. I need help detaching.