Every weekend since I was able to, I haven’t been sober from late Friday-late Sunday. Either alcohol or weed and I keep thinking about trying more. Mondays I usually feel like shit and I’m always incredibly sad, but it’s the only thing I have to look forward to, and weed is the only thing that makes me feel happy and lets me sleep. Every weekend I feel like I always take more than the last, just to see how drunk or high I can get. It’s kinda pathetic. But I don’t want to be here and present, honestly. It’s much better not thinking straight than thinking with a brain that just wants to fucking kill you. The worst and probably most pathetic thing is I do this all alone. I would be so much happier if I could do this with friends, because at least that way it doesn’t feel so self destructive, but I have none, and so I’m just drinking and smoking by myself.

Truthfully I really don’t think I have a problem yet. I’m not causing a disruption to other people and I’m not spending all my money on this. I can control myself well enough. But I worry I will at some point, and maybe soon. Alcohol hurts my stomach quite badly so that’s the only thing I feel that’s really stopped me from dropping off the deep end. But I’m just so fucking sad, it’s hard to care sometimes. I feel guilty that I can’t get anything done but it’s literally the only thing that will make anything feel better. 

Lately, when I’m really upset, I‘ve been craving self harm. I never really understood self harming until recently, but fuck, I just want to hurt sometimes. I’ve cut up my hands with my keys in my pocket just while walking down the street because I was so upset with myself. I don’t know. I feel like I’m one bad day away from doing something stupid and risky. I’ve always lived too carefully and too anxiously. I want to go on a weeks-long bender and see what comes out of it. I don’t know. It’s stupid. But I just feel horrible all the time.