Hey, 

So I've had 'depression for a while' but I do think it's more closely related to borderline. I've done some tests and a lot of the symptoms are the same as with BPD. 

I fuck up in relationships, I can loose my temper extremely quickly (especially to my loved ones) over the most tiny ting (for most people). I do regret it the next day a lot tho. I wonder if I can ever be in a normal relation, because although my first relation (romantic) started fanatic after 2 months I was so scares of being left alone. I can change my thoughts pretty fast into suicidal thoughts when things don't go right for a few days. 

I know from my young  childhood I could cry instantly for very small things. When things start going down I can get in this mood where I don't feel anything at all. No empathy no nothing. If I feel anything it's just the need to end life. Or in a less severe case I can just hate myself so bad that it's definitely destructive.

I also have an addiction which doesn't help. 

Can anyone who can relate please send an advice? 
How do I deal with this for the rest of my life? 
And if someone would like to help me and DM me it would be appreciated :)