mental anxiety i can deal with. like it sucks but distractions help me think of other things. physical anxiety tho? no matter what i do i cannot escape. i feel trapped inside my own body and i feel so numb to everything in life yet these physical sensations do not leave me alone for even a second. it’s torture 24/7. it’s so frustrating and nobody truly understands just how bad it is. like i have told my family and therapist and doctors and they’re just like “oh, that sounds bad. anyway” 

not that it matters because what could they even do to help if they wanted to? i’m on so many different medications and i’ve tried more than i can count and nothing has helped. my anxiety just keeps getting worse every day. the only thing that helps is intense exercise, but that’s only because it makes me struggle to breathe, but i automatically breathe because my muscles demand it. so i am not focused on how it always feels like i can’t breathe even when i’m just fucking sitting here. i have some of the healthiest lungs and heart based on tests i’ve had done, yet they feel like they refuse to function properly 99% of the time. 

besides exercise, i’ve tried yoga, meditation, journaling, general distraction, both more and less responsibility/free time, energy work, osteopathic manipulation, idek what else. nothing helps. 

i cut myself and put alcohol on gaping wounds/self inflicted burns to feel so much pain that my body is flooded with endorphins. this makes me feel relaxed for the duration of the highest degree of pain. but once it starts to lower i am hit with everything again. it’s a terrible cycle to be in but i am so desperate i don’t really care. i don’t wanna become a drug addict trying to cope but it’s better than being dead right? 

not to me, but my family wants me to be alive for some reason. i wish they didn’t care about me. it would make things so much simpler. i hate it so much :/