This seems like it’s going to be really difficult to explain but I will try my best. My apologies in advance if this doesn’t make sense.

I think I have known for a while that I am depressed and I think it’s gotten a lot worse recently. I know my mom was diagnosed for depression when I was younger so I’m not sure how much of this is from me just inherently having it or how much of it is from certain situations in my life taking a toll on me. My best guess is that it’s probably both. I’m not sure if that matters too much but I felt it was worth mentioning. 

I’ve gone through a lot of family issues growing up and I am still going through them now. I grew up in a very negative and loud household where basically my parents would scream at each other in front of me all the time. I was really afraid of it as a little kid and as I grew up I had a lot of confrontational problems which led to more issues in my life (it’s a very long story that I won’t get into). I am about to be 29 now and I almost feel silly for saying this but since then I have not been able to sense this feeling of fear. I could be sitting there just watching tv or playing video games and have this feeling inside of me like something bad is going to happen. I think this feeling is a little easier for me to understand but the next one I’m about to describe is honestly worse and more confusing to me. 

First off, I have felt isolated from everyone in my life (mostly from my own doing). I feel this way even when it comes to my own parents who I have recently had a lot of big disagreements and arguments with, resulting in us not talking to each other. Things feel like they’ve changed so much to the point where I don’t even think they know me anymore. I know it’s common to feel lonely or isolated, but there’s something about this that really adds to that feeling. I guess what I’m trying to explain is I feel like I no longer have my own family as a sturdy familiar thing to rely on in my life. As a result I feel very alone and I know I’m not thinking the most positive thoughts these days. I feel like even a dog or cat or something would help me right now and give me some sort of companionship that I can take comfort in. I know all of this starts from within and becoming at peace with myself but I really don’t know how to get there. Ive lived so many different places but I feel like I haven’t actually been home in years.

I still feel like I didn’t explain that well but I tried my best. I need to fix these things so I can build my own family and be a sturdy rock for them.