Hi all. I'm somewhat afraid she will find this and identify it as her, and lash out to me for it. But I am trying to figure out what is going on before i lose my family and fall into a deep depression. My loved one is not diagnosed and i know this forum isn't for diagnosing, but i need to wrap my head around a potential path forward. If anyone has dealt with any similar situation with their loved one, and has managed to navigate their way to a solution or otherwise adapted, please reach out. I need help. Sorry this is long but I don't really how to make it any shorter and still explain the situation. 

When we first met she told me, "i don't like hugging" , but on our first date there was such a chemical connection and we ended up kissing and hugging during the date. I lived a ways away from town and had drank too much to drive home at that moment, and she invited me to hang out at her apartment until I sobered up. When we were there, I was sitting on her bed listening to music with her, and she ended up climbing into bed in a t shirt  panties. We began kissing and her body language seemed to be completely ok with the intimacy. We ended up having sex, and she seemed perfectly at peace with it. After that, we ended up spending the next three days together. She even called sick into work to spend an extra day with me. It ended up being pretty much a 3 day first date full of really good sex, where every single one of my fantasies was the same as hers. To be honest it was a dominant/submissive type of sex, and she seemed REALLY into it and liked it a lot. 

For the next five months she came to my place every single weekend, and seemed really happy to see me every time. In sex I established a safe word and told her I would always respect it. It felt like we were really close. She would tell me about her abusive exes and I would console her. She would tell me how great I was, better than anyone else, and how much she admired and loved me. We would go on adventures together, walks, dates, and usually had something fun planned when visiting. However, she started to get really dissatisfied with her job in town, was not fulfilled by it, and was ready to leave, so by about month 6 I offered for her to move in with me (I know...too fast). But we were so great together and it just felt so right.

By about month 7 my mother came to visit. My mother thought she was really charming and knew she was jobless, and invited her to come work for her for one month at a camp she runs. I couldn't come with her because I was busy with my own work, which was scaling up and becoming more successful. This was a big mistake looking back. She went to work at the camp, and whenever she called me she was complaining about one thing or another. Too long of a walk, other people she doesn't like, food she doesn't like, people don't like her, my mother doesn't like her, etc. When she got back my mother thought things went fine, that my gf retreated to be alone a lot but besides that was really a joy, but to my girlfriend when she got home, it was like my mother was the devil. She kept talking about how manipulative and horrible my mother was, and all the thing other people did wrong and how socially rejected she felt. Bear in mind, my mother IS a manipulative personality type, a director type, and also not great with boundaries sometimes because shes so used to calling the shots. But I've never had someone so starkly upset by her and honestly just hate her so much.  

By month 10 or 12, she is now living with me and jobless. I felt it was ok, and I told her that partners are there to support each other through ups and downs so i didn't mind footing all the bills while she worked things out. But things started to change. She would say, "there are no jobs around here" but would never apply to anything. She seemed more depressed and less motivated to do anything. For 8 more months of not a single job application, she would spend most of her time laying in bed watching the office or reality tv. Never wanted to do anything, go on walks, dates, anything. She rarely contributed around the house but often complained about me being too dirty or not orderly enough. When I told her that i need her to get out of bed and help out, to be in the relationship, she said she feels unmotivated to help clean or be intimate when her environment is already so messy, or would snap at me and get into a familiar tangent about how i was too controlling or abusive. So I would try to clean up but there would always be something she was unsatisfied with, and she seemed depressed/unmotivated, which also made it hard for me to stay energized to keep order to her standards.

Sex went off a cliff, mostly starting with one moment. One day an article about aziz ansari came out, about how he kept taking his dick out on a girl who kept saying no. Some of you may remember it. Anyway, she showed me the article and then compared it to the first time we had sex. She said she was uncomfortable, felt pressured, and likened the article to the first night we had sex (after our first date) to me violating boundaries. She said I should have known she didn't want it and was uncomfortable. Bear in mind she hadn't brought this up before and this was about 12 months into the relationship. I said her body language was telling me yes and her words didn't show any hesitancy. Not once that night did she say no or seem uncomfortable, and she was the one climbing into bed with me scantily clad, but she kept saying I should have known she was uncomfortable and not moved that fast. Looking back I shouldn't have trusted my interpretation of her body language so much, and should have asked verbally about sex before we had it. But so many times in the past with women things have just sort of progressed naturally and everything was fine, and I would never dream of pushing something on a girl who says "no" or seems uncomfortable.  So I didn't think much about it then.  But Ill definitely be more careful about using verbal confirmation in the future.

This completely destroyed me because I felt our first three days together were so great, sacred so to speak, and really the seed of our relationship. If she felt so violated why would she spend that time with me and seem so in love with me? I felt now like that moment was a big blight on the relationship, and felt a tremendous sense of shame/guilt for not knowing she was uncomfortable. So I ended up breaking down and this is the first time I really cried in front of her. She consoled me, said sorry, but things haven't been the same since this first show of weakness from me. She never felt like sex, and often times when I asked her for it too much, or touched her too much, or showed too much affection, she would say that I am being controlling or pressuring her too much for sex. She would say I am sex obsessed. She would say i just want my dick wet, and often reference "toxic masculinity" or reference that first night we met. Or if I would get frustrated about being turned down so much, or get frustrate over lack of affection, she would say I'm just dealing with masculinity issues or being clingy. I really started to think down on myself. She would say she cant believe how horribly i treated her in the past, sometimes referencing kinky sex we had in the past (there was a safe word, remember), saying that I shouldn't have treated her like that. But back then she would tell me how much she loved the sex, how she loved the dominant/submissive dynamic, but i guess that was a lie? Bear in mind that month 1-8 was sex once or even twice a day. But after about moth 8 sex became more of a commodity in the relationship, maybe once a week when she was willing to do me the favor, and it really did feel like a favor every time, not something she wanted (this was not the case for the first 8 months). When I referenced the first night, she completely denied crawling into the bed with just her panties on, and kept saying I don't remember because I smoke too much weed and said that she had her pajama pants on. But i remember it so vividly... Really, I felt like an abuser and even got to the point where I apologized for abusing her that night, and she said thanks for saying that, but it just felt wrong to me because in truth i never felt like i abused her. But the sex never improved, and the nature of the sex was completely different. Maybe once or twice in the past two years she has initiated the sex. While the first 8 months it was very kinky animalistic sex, now it was rather bland, sort of robotic, and it really didn't feel like she was connected to me at all. Sort of like she was laying there and waiting to get it over with, and if I ever tried to be kinky with her, like we were in the past, she would not feel like it. 

As a side note, she is a very image obsessed person. Spends a lot of money on makeup and clothes, she is beautiful, great sense of style, but always asking me what i think of her make up or how she looks. She is very responsive to compliments. I remember one time she got cat called on the street by an old man, and she yelled back "thank you!" Whenever she is complimented she likes to talk about it, and if she ever feels insulted she complains about it. She also often talks about how fat she is or how she is gaining weight (she is very petite and supermodel gorgeous). Also she is a binge eater sometimes, and i often find that in a time when we normally would have sex, she decides to snack instead. She has certain candies and junk foods that she regularly gravitates toward, though i guess that's normal for anyone.

By month 14 or so, she finally got a job at a dining establishment. Things seemed better for a little while. She would come home and tell me about the compliments she got and would say how much she loved her job. But some days if there was a customer who seemed a little cold, or if her boss said the wrong thing, if a customer didn't wipe there shoes on a muddy day, if it was too hot that day, or whatever reason she would come home in a really bad mood saying how much she hates her job. She would eventually go from that to saying, "i hate this town" or "i hate this place". Basically it was a crap shoot. Either she would come home happy about her job, or really unhappy about it. But at least she was nearby and working to make money. But unfortunately most of her money went into buying makeup or clothes online, despite that she has about 5k in credit to pay off, and I was still fronting groceries and bills. When I say she would spend her money on makeup and clothes, I'm talking a new package in the mail twice a week. She kept reassuring me that when she makes more money she will pay me off. When i would bring up the makeup, she would say, "this is what makes me happy and what I need", so foolishly I tolerated it. 

By month 15 Christmas rolled around and we were both going to have it with my family (as we decided to rotate back and forth between families). This was her first Christmas away from her family, and so she was really anxious about it and not really excited about it at all. I guess that's an understatement, she was more or less dreading it. So my family gets to my place, and they are staying in a separate house on my property for the next two weeks for the holidays. I've always loved it when they visited, and my mother being my mother sort of framed it like, "this is the plan" as opposed to asking us about what works for us. This really frustrated my girlfriend and me too, but up until the event the gf was mostly agreeable to it happening. Anyway, they get here and my girlfriend spends most of her time hiding away in our house without really visiting the family. This sort of hurt my family, and I think my girlfriend knew this and it made her even more anxious and upset. Whenever I was with her she would complain to me about what my family was doing, why were they here for so long, they touched the wrong thing,etc etc. This is NOT to detract from the fact that my family CAN be a lot sometimes. But she was really hardcore upset about my family. This is when the verbal attacks started coming. She would call my mother a bitch, call me a little bitch for not standing up to her, call my brother a bitch, and just in general be very spiteful with her words. There were a few times where i slipped up and got angry. I called her a bitch and a cunt in my anger, and those are the worst things I've said to her and i regret them deeply. Finally after the two weeks my family left and my girlfriend started to cool down, but the damage was done. My family are intuitive people, and could pretty much feel the distance and dislike, and were hurt by it. My girlfriend felt her boundaries were crossed and was hurt by it. She never clearly defined her boundaries to me, and sort of expected me to set those boundaries with them by default because "this is what normal people do". I suppose I should be better about that in retrospect, but have generally been so used to being very open to my family. 

Every once in a while things would improve. We would go on a little trip or something and things would feel like the first 8 months again. The sex was still a real struggle. Id have to keep reminding myself to try and not be "pushy" for sex, to try and not initiate as much, but if I didn't initiate, it wouldn't happen. And it sort of became a crap shoot. If I did initiate, it was either going to result in sex, or result in her feeling like i'm too pushy. It also didn't help that she started do develop more health issues (yeast infections, and maybe interstitial cystitis). Often times when I tried to initiate, one of these or being tired would be and end to the initiation. Occasionally when we would fight, she would lie to hurt me. Once she said, "im having sex, just not with you", which hurt me deeply, and then said she was lying to hurt me (i do think it was a lie, but this planted seeds of doubt in my mind) Another time she said, "we have never been friends", and then said it was a lie to hurt me. Shes also said "my dad is the only man in my life" and "i wish you had a job like my dad" (i was still making very healthy income, but she complained because i wasn't getting employment based healthcare). I doubled my income since meeting her, but she still seemed sort of unimpressed with my work (even though i buy stuff for her all the time, definitely too much looking back on it).

In general she lacked affection. When she came home from work she would very rarely hug or kiss me. Before she went to sleep or just after waking up, same thing. Most of the times Id have to ask her for a hug or kiss or initiate it myself. I suppose this makes me seem needy, and she would voice that, but I was used to having this sort of dynamic in other relationships where we would show physical affection to each other on a daily basis. She would tell me the reason she isn't as into affection is because that's just how her family is, and she grew up in a household where her mother cuddled her brothers a lot but not her as much. She also mentioned that her dad gave her very little attention growing up. She also mentioned her mother talking about sex a lot and showing inappropriate movies even when she was really young. She never really talked about this stuff in a negative light because she sort of idealizes and guards her family very closely. She acted like it was sort of because her family is more evolved than most families, something like that.

By month 18 the complaints about my family continued whenever a visit was planned. My mother planned a visit during the summer, this time for about 4 days (because Christmas was clearly too much time and my family knew it by this point). This time we had fair notice, about a month. Well, my mother during this time ended up using a grocery bag looking thing which she had taken from our bedroom. It was really weird and a boundary violation for sure. Also my gf really hated my mother by this time, and just being around her became an issue. I agreed with her that my mother can be too much and tried to talk to my mom about our boundaries. My mother can get pretty defensive, but I was still really firm with her about us needing better boundaries especially when they are visiting. During 4th of july we get a little drunk, and that night my gf is ridiculous. She flicks off a stranger because he is parked in the wrong place, and then steps out in front of cars just to try and startle me. That night I am sleeping in the other room because she has really annoyed me, and she yells from the other room, in the middle of the night, during a thunderstorm, that im a little bitch, she hates me, wants me to die. The next day I tell her I'm not happy and something needs to change or i need to get out. I tell her she isn't respectful to me or to my family. I tell her i know my family needs to be better with boundaries but i tell her she is being way over the top. I believe i did raise my voice. Im basically on the verge of being on my way out. Then she kicks through the glass door, shattering one of the panes and glass falls all over the floor. She tells me that when i say things like that, she just wants to commit suicide...we make up. I suppose this is around month 24. I suggest therapy, she says no way. 

I have a family member up the road who needs home care, and my gf gets free food every day from her work. So my mother asked her if she wanted to bring the relative some food once and a while, and get paid for doing it. She also said no pressure, its ok if you don't want to do it. My gf didn't want to do it, so we told this to my mother. Well, the next day we are at a social event, and my mother gets angry with us and guilts my gf and I for making the choice that my mother said was no pressure. She does this in front of other guests at the social event. My gf definitely has social anxiety so this was a terrible move on my mothers part. So that was a big disaster...my mother was completely out of line to do that, and it really upset the gf, "how dare she think I should feed your relative, she should do it herself," etc. The next day my mother did apologize for it, but my gf internalizes things a lot, and even though on the surface it seems ok, it wasn't. I just wanted to mention this, because my mother and her behavior/boundaries has been a big trigger and a problem in itself. When i think back on it, the whole gf working for mother thing was when our relationship/sex issues started as well.  Whenever my mother comes into the picture, my gf becomes kind of a monster. She will spit insults at me, and then a few hours or days later she is talking about getting married and having kids...

Month 28 the sex has been weekly, which to me is totally acceptable but it is lacking passion and seems pretty one sided like ive already discussed. The gf has quit her job and gone back to her old job from when we first met (which does pay much more). It is one day before her job starts and the gf will be working 50 hours that week. My mother calls me. My brother is getting married and his fiances family wants to come to our area and scout wedding venues/visit us. My mother is asking if it is ok for his fiance to stay at our house for one night, but again sort of phrases it like a foregone conclusion (again violating boundaries). 

Bear in mind my mother getting on us, sort of shaming us at a public event, for not bringing plates of food to the relative was only one month prior, and my gf was still upset about that and very sensitive about my mother.  It is one weeks notice when my mother calls, and I have told my mother in the past that we need at least two weeks notice, preferably more, for house visitors. I tell my mother that my gf is about to start a job and the night my brothers fiance would stay would be my gf's day off, so it might not be good. But my mom gets upset because its my brothers fiance and its a "special circumstance", and "family should be able to do this for each other". Lots of guilt cards thrown. So I hang up the phone and go to my gf to talk about it. I explain the situation, saying that my brothers fiance wants to stay that day, that my mother called me about it. Well, my gf completely snaps. She says my brothers fiance should have been the one calling us, that she should have asked and not expected it to work out when my mother brought it up, that my mother is being manipulative trying to make it happen, that this is so disrespectful, that she needs to get a hotel or we need to change plans. So, I call the fiance and cancel. The fiance says they already offered to stay in a hotel but my mother was the one who offered our place, to which of course upset my gf further (and me too, honestly). My gf was also upset that the fiance didnt think to call us instead of assuming it was the plan. To be honest it was a bit intrusive and not respecting boundaries.... it was even assuming we didn't already have plans or guests. I agree with my gf, support her even as she yells about how much she hates my mother, but her freak out continues to an extreme i haven't seen before...

 She unfollows my brothers fiance on insta and refuses to participate in the wedding. She says she hates my mother/brother/entire family repeatedly, says she hates my brothers fiance even though she doesnt know her, says my mother is terrible and raised sons to not know how to live (says i dont know how to live), and we sleep on it. The next day we go to the grocery store because my gf needs groceries so she can pack a lunch for her new job. The entire way there she complains to me about my mother and myself, and when i try to counsel her she tells me to shut my mouth. We get to the store, and while im pumping her gas she tells me she wants to poison my mother. We get inside the grocery store and she starts walking really fast, and snaps at me with her fingers when i start to fall behind in the aisle. She makes a comment about the groceries being expensive, and I say, "no wonder you wanted me here with you", and her response was, "yeah." That sort of set me off, made me feel really used. I purchased the groceries because otherwise she'd have no food and would absolutely turn it on me, but then I walked home and let her drive home alone. Hitched a ride from a stranger, so it wasn't so bad. When I get home she says i abandoned her at the grocery store, and is concerned that someone we know might have seen me. No hint of apology for her verbal attacks or acknowledgement for anything she said to me in the car or store. The next day she starts work, and needs sleep (she often has a hard time sleeping), so I drop it. 

The next three days she comes home saying how much she loved work, how everyone is so stress free and nice, but doesn't mention anything about our conflict. I guess she figured we were moving past it. My birthday was coming up, and she had taken off work for it. Its my thirtieth b-day and therefore sort of a big moment for me. We wake up and she can tell im not in a great mood, so she asks me whats wrong. I tell her im upset about the way she treated me in the store earlier that week (a few days ago). She gets really upset, goes to bed, and tells me, "why did i take off work if you dont want to spend time with me and you hate me". I told her i dont hate her, just upset from earlier in the week. She had told me last week "what do you want for your birthday", and i know shes tight on money so i said, "just to spend time on the beach with you". I say, "im going for a drive, but I hope that we can still spend my birthday together." The following text interaction ensues...

me: "id love to spend my birthday with you. Im not an all or nothing person. Just because im upset about earlier in the week doesnt mean i hate you or dont want to spend time with you, or make it better. Hell thats half the problem is that I want to make it better. You aren't just black and white to me. It is a mix and I didnt want to talk to you about it today. Whenever I talk to you about what im feelin you shut down and make it like I simply hate you. Its ok if you want to be alone today, Ill manage and make the best of the day on my own, but would like to make the best of the day with you when i get back if you can manage"

her: "Youre mad about something that happened 4 days ago and chose to bring it up n your birthday, and not the last few days. If you were feeling this way last night you should have let me know so i could have gone into work instead of being stuck here today feeling sad and inadequate. Also, I had PLANS today to make a cheesecake and pick up a perishable item from the post office, and you never mentioned the beach until today. And maybe if you had been more pleasant this morning I may have felt a bit more spontaneous. Idk if youre just feeling guilty for probably going off on your mother again and then putting the blame on me, but I can't force myself to hang out with someone who is going to make every moment with me today a shitty one."

her: "I dont do the bidding of people who want to eat their cake and have it too. You should know that about me by now"

me: "I didn't want to bring up whats bothering me and possibly impact your sleep or work days, becuse I know how you can react to criticism sometimes. I also didnt want to bring it up today but when Im so bothered its hard to hide it, even or especially on my birthday and when you prod about my feelings. You said I didn't know how to live, threatened to kill my mother while i pumped your gas, verbally berated me the entire way to the store, snapped at me with your fingers like im a dog, and basically said verbally that I was there to be your pay pig. So instead of fight or be berated more I chose to walk home, and your response was that I abandoned you at the store, and your main concern was that someone you know saw me instead of acknowledging or having any concern about the way you'd been acting toward me or how I might feel about it. I was on your side about my family and boundaries, and you completely took out your anxiety and frustration on me and literally tried to shame me. Even the next day you get home from work and gaslight me about how you are losing attraction for me and all the people you've talked to who have said why that makes sense. You equated your pure hatred of my mother with me, and used it to spit at me with your words. I agreed with you on the substance of boundaries and such, but you took it over the top and let it cut into our relationship without thought to any consequence, despite my attempts to agree with you and calm you down. It's like our relationship flipped from light to dark on a dime. I can't help but feel how I feel about the situation. As for the beach, we had plans on sunday and we cancelled them and you said, "we will go on your birthday on thursday". So as far as I know that was in the books and you're turning it back on me as if I'm being spontaneous , when the beach was always the plan. I even told you "if I spend my time at the beach with you on my bday ill be happy". But somehow you are still finding a way to make doing what I want on my birthday to be my fault. It wasn't just that you acted like that on sunday, its that you didn't acknowledge how hurtful you were at all, and you didnt take responsibility for anything you did wrong while I am constantly trying to do your bidding to make you happy. Maybe by not bringing it up I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, that you might show empathy to me in your own initiative. Instead you would rather I wallow in built, wallow in your insults, and then pretend everything is hunky dory. You don't need to spend time with me today, but I think we both know what it means if that is what you choose. I still love you, but if you can't face me and the truth of how I feel even on my birthday, or spend time with me today even if we drop the subject for the day, deep down you know what that means"

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I get home and she refuses to go to the beach with me. She says how can i expect her to go to the beach with me after what ive done to her and everything ive said about her. So I go to the beach alone. I spend the day alone on the beach for six hours drinking beers, and decided then and there that I have to get out. That I will just go stay with my relative. She calls me on the way from the beach, and asks for us to work it out in person, that she has gifts for me for my birthday and wants to give them to me. So I go home and say, "ok, if you want to work it out, lets work it out". I sit down and tell her how I feel the relationship is abusive, I list out every single cruel thing she has said to me over the past few years (been writing things down ever since I felt a problem), how I feel verbally abused, how I have lost who I am, and that I need to go to therapy with her or for her to go to therapy for this to work. I tell her maybe she has BPD, and maybe I have BPD (i dont think so, but didnt want it to seem like im putting everything on her). My gf has hinted at BPD in the past, her grandmother had it, and her mother is pretty narcissistic. This isn't my first time asking for therapy and her turning it down, and she turned it down again this time. But as I am on my way out the door to leave for good, she agrees to get therapy as soon as her medical benefits with her new job kick in. So we make up, and she gives me her gifts. She was really sad, seemed to recognize she had a problem, seemed really disturbed, but seemed to recover as I opened up the gifts. The next morning she gave me a kiss before heading out to work, a rarity but it gave me some hope.

So here I am, thirty, not sure if this will work at all, but she is agreeing to get help when she can. I'm not keen on having sex with her because im afraid if I do I wont have the strength to leave if it comes to that. She never initiates anyway, so I shouldn't have trouble avoiding it. But I am not happy, and my family feels they have lost me because of how upset I've been getting with them lately, and they can also tell I'm not happy even though I haven't told them the truth about how unhappy i am in the relationship or the things my gf has said to me or accused me of. I am grappling between giving her a chance to seek help, or going NC, or trying to leave her without going NC. She is at my place and does not have money yet to pay rent anywhere. I don't feel like I can leave her on the streets. If I do leave her, I figured I might give her a few months to leave and stay at a relatives, something like that. 

But I'm so torn. We do have a really good relationship when times are good. But when times are bad its really bad, and usually in the aftermath of something family related. It was the best relationship of my life until the family came into the picture, and I'm having a hard time knowing whether the family is really the problem, or if the timing is just such that that is when she started splitting on me. She really seems to hate my family more than any relationship I've ever been in, and says despite all her relationships in the past she has never hated a family so much. I've had quite a few girlfriends and never had a girlfriend hate my family at all, let alone hate them so much. When she isn't triggered, she is a complete joy to be around. I've talked a lot about sex here but the sex isn't actually bad. Its quite enjoyable, just not super intimate and not very frequent, and completely morphed from what it was in the beginning, and she doesn't usually seem like she desires it. Like she would be ok with or without it. She often seems like she would be ok with or without me in general, but when i try to leave everything changes.  Before my family came into the picture none of this seemed to be a problem, so i feel like i have to choose between my family and her and its tearing me apart. Just before the whole birthday ordeal, we had a vacation and everything seemed really really great, like things were really healing. She was being affectionate like I hadn't seen in years. Then the fiance visit thing happened and everything flipped, and now I'm almost at my wits end. 

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TLDR:  gf was great first 8 months, family came into picture/gf hates family, accused of abuse/nymphomaniac, family drives gf more crazy, apparent recovery, gf decides not to spend bday with me, now about fed up