You know what I mean. A success story. A prodigy. Someone who made a difference in the world and got that recognition. They say anyone can do anything, but that's a lie we tell kids to inspire them. In reality all it does is get their hopes up and break them when they realize its not true

Was it that I didn't work hard enough? I can't imagine I could have worked much harder. I was always chasing an ambition, trying to grow and gain new skills. That never went anywhere. Was it that I was too focused on my goal and not enough on enjoying the process? How could I have chosen to enjoy the process? Is it that I called myself the victim and never accepted responsibility? I've tried feeling responsible, and it makes me want to kill myself more

Maybe it was because I failed so many times in my life and lowered my expectations when people told me to. Is it that real winners fight the impossible to the last breath?

The days when I was potential are behind me now. all that's left is the waste. I have to sit here suffering through this. I don't even want to live to see tomorrow but I can't even free myself because I can't hurt the people who believed in me any more than I already have. when I lie in bed I fantasize about death. There's this dream that when I die I'll experience my childhood again, and relive the days when I could have been happy instead of what I am now. It's self-deception. I know there's nothing beyond the void and that those days aren't coming back. ever. I just want hope. I just want it so bad that I would kill for it. If I believed that were possible for a second I would.

I know right now is a temporary flux. My mood is constantly changing. Happiness and misery aren't permanent. That said, I don't see the future I believed in ahead of me. I don't see anything except more of this, and a lifetime of trying to solve problems with my life that will never, ever get fixed.