After suffering for years from crippling anxiety I still feel like I have to fucking prove to family n ppl how bad this shit is. Like I understand they can’t experience what I do and feel what I feel but Jesus Fkn Christ just take a look at my life and what it’s been it rly shouldn’t be that hard to understand that yeah, he must have it pretty fucking terrible, not just your average run of the mill anxiety problems or whatever. My family loves to tell me all the time that they’ve been so supportive and always have had my back and yet I feel like it must be all bullshit cause in moments where their frustration boils over with me for something I have no Fkn control over, they always show their true colors and how they rly feel deep down. Yeah maybe they still care, I rly dk, but at the same time they want me to be able to just magically get over all of it and just be better on command…they’ll throw in my face how I never commit to shit and always say “I’ll see how I feel when it comes up” because that’s the Fkn way it is for me, I don’t know how bad I’m gonna feel and if I’ll b able to do it so I figure it’s better to say that then say I will like I used to and then cancel or not show.  I understand they’re frustrated but When they act like I’m annoying them and they’re just so tired of “my shit” it makes me feel so goddamn alone like wow I rly am on my own with this nightmare. Also, I have Fkn tried to get better. It’d be one thing if I just complained all the time about how awful I feel and have all these years but never had tried anything like therapy or meds and other shit…but I have!!! I’ve tried a ton of shit and it just hasn’t helped…ppl just don’t understand how utterly disabling this Fkn disease can be…I would seriously rather have my pick of a thousand other illnesses or diseases and b able to trade this shit out because I know I’d be more functional In life, sounds ridiculous but that’s the point I’m at with this. Ppl still don’t seem to realize mental illness is as bad as physical diseases and illnesses, and hell in a lot of our cases like mine it feels like I have a hundred different physical illnesses anyhow because of how this shit manifest in so many different ways. I don’t think they realize either that I have pushed myself so Fkn much in life, I mean I rly feel I have accomplished things that may not sound like much to a normal person but for someone feeling what I have felt to b able to white knuckle through for so long I think is pretty Fkn amazing. I’ve had this insane, debilitating anxiety forever it seems now but I still pushed myself to finish school and get my bachelors even tho I would have panic attacks in class every Fkn day…despite how bad it was I still pushed myself to start working at the soonest age I was able to at 16 at a grocery store while in high school and even tho I’d have Fkn panic attacks and horrible anxiety at work also, still pushed myself to go everyday after school and never call out or miss work…as things got even worse in my early and mid 20s still continued to push myself to keep working at my first “real” job out of school until I was 28 almost 29 and finally, I broke down…couldn’t push anymore…so many of us with this shit push through everyday whether it’s work or school or even just leaving the house to get some shit done that may seem like nothing to a normal person but for us w anxiety everything is a Fkn mountain, and yet we keep going…I feel like we should get a shit ton more credit from the ppl in our lives for doing what we do despite how awful we feel, and I question a lot in my mind if these judgmental ppl were suddenly to be struck down with severe anxiety, would they hold shit down like we do??? I don’t fuckin think so….anyways, end of rant thx for reading.