It's been quite some time since I last posted here and I've been away for a while. I'd been doing better lately. I hadn't gotten obsessive over a girl where it got out of hand for months, and it was going well until it wasn't. Until all the sudden, her constant withdrawing from conversation without saying anything is getting to be too much to take. I felt the obsession I felt gradually grow, until all the sudden, I'm losing my shit. Back to having suicidal thoughts and wanting to self harm because she won't just say she still cares and is my friend, and it won't change this easily...

I haven't heard from her since Thursday afternoon. I had just finally had my psychiatrist appointment, after over a year waiting around for them to finally call and make an appointment. I jumped at the chance and made sure I would make it that day, even though I slept poorly. She was supportive, just before the appointment she messaged me and gave me some support. It made me feel so much less nervous and anxious. I felt happy. But when my appointment finished, she was gone, she had asked me to let her know how it went. But still hasn't checked her messages.

And I know this isn't even new for her. We've always talked like maybe once a week at best since we reconnected 11 months ago. But suddenly, what was painfully lonely and hurting me but under my control just wasn't anymore... I've been getting super upset, I've messaged like 19 yikes since she's read them. And the anxiety I feel when she finally reads this giant wall of text (if she even does) is crippling me just as much the lack of communication.

She's one of my BPD friends, most of my best and closest friends are girls with BPD. And I've had feelings for her for months. They've been gradually growing recently, and got to this needy, obsessive "please don't ignore me or I'll think you hate me now" place this week. 

It's never felt clear what her feelings towards me are. She's said stuff that made me feel like she had feeling for me as well. But never said she liked me back. I asked her about how she felt L me like a bit over a month back. She said she wasn't able to think about it at the time. And there were a lot of other people who probably wondered the same. (if she liked them romantically too) and she said "but you're the closet friend out of them all".

Which made me feel like it wasn't our of the question it might grow into love eventually. She'd shared her body with me recently on two separate occasions. She has an Onlyfans account, (which is a source of jealousy for me lately, tbh... But I know she nerds they money right now to live. So I gotta suck it up.) and I'd seen her body on that when she first made the account. 

She was happy to have me as one of her first subscribers. But she somewhat recently like in June sent me a huuuge like 90 photo collection of nudes, telling me she wanted me to be able to save them and not get in trouble. She said I deserved them and she really appreciated me and my support, and how much she cared about me.

And this made me sooo happy. I never expected someone, especially her would offer me something so precious without even having to ask for it. And it was nice. But it lead me to feel uncertain about where we stand even more. Recently, she sent me some video's, again, for free, cause she said I didn't need to pay for it, I was her best friend. Which was the first time she'd called me that. She'd said I was "top 3 best friends" before that. It felt really good, again but she's been less present again since it happened, and more withdrawn again.

It's been a struggle to not snap at this girl the last few days and get so mad at her for ignoring me, because she could have checked her messages by now. She's been on FB lots in that time. I'd be pretty surprised if she didn't already know I'd been reaching out. I've been feeling really upset, because I've felt suicidal and had thoughts of self harm. 

And yesterday was a terrible day where I almost gave in. I asked her to message me because I needed emotional support now two days in a row, and she didn't even read it. After all that talk about how she wants us to to each other when we felt this way, she isn't there when I needed to talk. And maybe it's not her fault, she has her own struggles, neither of us has been in a great place lately.

And I know she's always been someone who'd withdraw without warning. I just had more confidence before she'd be back. I hadn't hit that paranoid "please say you don't hate me and aren't abandoning me" place yet. Now I'm worried I've sabotaged this friendship with my neediness and overreliance on her to make me feel better. 

Maybe I'll be okay, and she'll say she's sorry for not checking in sooner, and things go back to how they were. But until that happens, I'm stuck dealing with the awful mood swings. The panic, the dread of the potential for ANOTHER best friend to abandon me because of my obsessiveness when I get too attached to an idealized "them" in my head.

I should be getting an official diagnosis pretty soon and my doc will tell me what they feel is the best treatment plan. I personally feel like maybe taking anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers like my mom does instead of just anti-depressants which aren't helping me anymore, and some form of therapy would maybe be the best for me. I can't wait to finally find out if I've got BPD, or some other mental illness. I really still believe my symptoms feel like BPD. But maybe they'll have more than one diagnosis, something I hadn't considered before.

And honestly, I'm sooo conflicted this. I shouldn't "want" the diagnosis to be BPD, because who the hell wants to be an emotional mess who can't even figure out how to function as an adult properly.

But, I've spend over a year believing I've got BPD, and I've connected with my friends for that. And this community was a big help for me last year. I left for a while, because I was doing better, and it was becoming difficult to handle. But today, I just feel lost and I don't have anyone to talk to atm.

This may just be attention seeking, wanting to find that feeling of people understanding how I'm feeling, and not feeling alone. But maybe that's okay. This ended up longer than I thought it would, but that's nothing new. No idea if anyone is gonna wanna reply to such a longgg post. But I guess I'll find out when I hit post. 

To anyone who understands any of how hard this is to cope with alone, I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Such a lonely miserable painful place to be in. Hope people here are doing okay, sorry I've been away for so long! Not sure what flair this should go under. It could have gone under more than one of the ones listed. I guess I'll put it under urgent: coping skills needed, as that's probably what I need more than anything, to know how to cope better with this painful existence. If that's not the right flair, my bad. Trying my best!