I’ve posted before about my situation. I am a 38 year old male from Massachusetts, USA. Have been married 8+ years. In ‘20 my marriage started to struggle. I am married to an amazing woman but she was always super controlling and I was expected to align to certain religious values (I hate organized religion and while I played along for a while, I couldn't anymore). Controlling to an extent wherein I am scared to buy like a hot sauce for $30 because she will flip out (we have millions in the bank, not a money issue) or if I criticized religion she would get really mad at me (I never told her not to practice, I just said I had no interest in it). We had several miscarriages over the course of a few years and never had children. This effected me deeply as I really wanted to have a child. My father also died in May ‘20 from stage 4 cancer and while I wasn’t close to him it still impacted me. 

Now what happened next was strange (The beginning of the end) and keep in mind I was not diagnosed with a mood disorder yet (in hindsight this diagnosis makes sense). I started to get irritated, frustrated and everything just seemed grey to me. My wife and her sister (living with us at the time) started to call out my BS. I decide to go my PCP and he puts me on 20 mg Prozac because all I say to him is "I am depressed and sad". September '20 get on prozac and two weeks later become kinda disconnected from reality -super focused on work and doing really well but emotionally disconnected and started to talk about divorce with my wife. It was very strange, I think back now and how much I love her but at the time it was just how I felt. I now know that it was the start of a very very intense manic episode triggered by the Prozac.

Nov'20 I am becoming more snappy, irritable, aggravated and angry- I became this miserable human being that all of these amazing things happen to him but all I could focus on is how we couldn't have children, how my wife was an absolute control freak and how I did not want to wear a mask anymore (my wife and I are muslim - We both drank (forbidden) and never really practiced the religion, she of course wanted to live a dual life- pretend to be a good muslim in front of family and friends- I never really practiced and up to this point was okay having a dual life). So yea, I wanted to be my true self, I explained to my wife that I maybe had 10-15 drinks in a year, why pretend to be something you are not. My point was if people don't accept who you are than maybe it was okay if those people didn't want to associate with us. Anyway,I was getting super agitated and easily frustrated and I'd say almost impossible to reason with. She says it was emotionally abusive and in hindsight maybe it was.

Its now Thanksgiving '20 and she and her family disinvite me from Thanksgiving. She tells me not to come to Texas for thanksgiving where she had now gone to because of all the fighting. She tells me to call her dad. I do, he starts to speak to me in a condescending manner e.g "Are you mentally imbalanced" "Is there a chemical imbalance" it was very rude and I really don't think he had the right to do that. He tells me not to come, I oblige. I was sad. The same day Nov 23rd my wife changes her name on Linkedin and takes of my last name, she also goes into the savings account and takes out half the money. Now, I am already hurting- I have 0 family in the US and am depressed. This makes me really upset and I feel like this was a low blow.

The arguments continue into December. Her mother calls me and tells me to come to Texas to try and resolve the matter - I am kinda pissed that I get disinvited from thanksgiving and now am being asked to come to Texas. I agree to go. I get there and the first thing her father says is " Are you having a mental issue" "Are you mentally ill". I really never liked this man, he's quite an asshole that is judgmental and is not exactly mentally stable. This pisses me off and now I am already triggered. My wife and I continue to argue and we make some kind of a truce. I stay over at their home and my wife gets pissed the next morning about me not doing the bed, she then gets annoyed that I wear her slippers in the house- I get super frustrated and again I'm think ughhh this is so controlling. The trip is a major shit show and after many arguments I come back home.

Two weeks later she comes back home and starts to focus on my mental health. Obviously I am in a manic episode and don't want to hear it. I also think its fair to say I had some legitimate issues with her- of course she didn't see it. I am getting super annoyed. She starts to watch me like a lab rat - If I watched a murder documentary she would tell her mom it was because I was mentally ill. She starts to tell neighbors, cleaners, family, friends that I am mentally ill - Can you imagine how devastating this is to have your health, what medicines you're on become public information. She calls my PCP and of course he refuses to engage and calls me. She tells him I am bipolar and that prozac has triggered me. Now this is where I wish someone listened because she was right! Ughh I wish I would have listened but you all know it's impossible to realize this when you are in an episode and keep in mind no one has ever diagnosed me as bipolar.

We agree to get a marriage councilor, she is trying to get the marriage councilor to diagnose me as mentally ill and refuses to engage in healthy couples therapy. She fires the councilor and tells me to leave the house. I do and we are back to yelling at each other. I am begging her to stop talking about my mental health with random people. Of course she doesn't stop. Her mother moves in with her and of course tries to get me to become more muslim because that will solve all our problems. She tells her daughter she needs to move out and I am blindsided one day when I come home and the movers are taking her furniture away.

She continues to discuss mental health with people and keep in mind I am not really engaging with her or being "manic". I get stuck with the home and decide I need to move out to. I buy a home with my money - great investment and has made me money but maybe a bit manic to buy a home in cash lol (keep in mind I can afford it and there is plenty more left).

She files for divorce and my every move is classified as bipolar. Normal human reactions tied to a divorce are labelled "bi-polar". She floods my inbox with articles about bipolar and I am getting super pissed. Finally I come off the prozac and crash- looking back I am shocked that I have lost my wife. I get help and my psychiatrist believes I may have a mood disorder - possible border line bi-polar.

I tell my wife and the first thing she does is goes and tells a friend that I am very sick. I am now fuming that I have shown vulnerability and this is her response! I even apologize to her family and tell them what is going on - No response. I am hurting but I also understand that I can't expect them to forgive me especially because they don't understand the disorder. My wife continues to talk shit about me and I haven't been manic for a few weeks now. I am on lamictal and seroquel and am trying to get her back to support me. She keeps calling me bipolar and even the slightest negative emotion gets classified as mental illness.

This has now continued for a long time and our court date is May. She has now started to be a really nasty woman through her lawyers even after I told her I would collaborate and ensure a fair settlement. Nop. She continues to be viscous and now I am doing the same to protect my self however

1. I am suffering immense regret and guilt from what happened. I keep telling myself it is the disorder but it doesn't help. When I am now being viscous back to her it makes me feel like shit because that is not what I want
2. I dream of her and her family every night and its painful because I miss them all so much. I wish I could go back in time but I know I cant. I wake up feeling dread
3. I sometimes wonder if I kill myself, maybe they will understand the disorder? Maybe they will forgive me? I also wonder if it would make sense because how else am I supposed to live my life without my soulmate. I have had a few days of suicidal ideation and lithium has been added to my cocktail. It has helped me feel a lotttt better and more motivated to eat right, workout etc. but this question is on my mind
4. I feel like a piece of shit and have come to the conclusion that I am just a damaged nasty human that doesnt deserve any love