I just want that someone special to spend time with. Another christmas, another year that i am not with someone. Another new year. Another birthday. Another valentines day. When will the loneliness end. Family can only fill that void for so long. The clock is ticking. I feel pressured. I dont want to be 30 and still be looking. I dont want anything more in life than to experience my life with someone else that I love and cherish. Dates after dates, nothing. I am so frustrated. I dont know what im doing wrong. I have dating apps, granted they probably make me feel worse but literally i have nothing else so it makes me feel that the only girls out there are on bumble/tinder/hinge. I go out. I have friends. I just want to give up. I miss cuddling. I miss looking into someone eyes and falling for them. I miss telling someone stories of my day whether big or small. I miss telling someone about our future together. I miss my ex. Its not fair. Im picky but I have been hit on by some pretty cute women but at the same time some pretty cute women have called me unattractive and such. So, I dont know where I stand. I dont want to sound like im bragging about that. Its not fun, its fucking awful. You have to take chances because youre at that line of attractiveness where its a grey area?? Is that the right word?? Having those constant thoughts thinking of wondering whether to approach or not because "she's probably too cute for me" or "oh, I feel like I am in her league"... does that make sense?? Its stressful. I dont feel like im making sense. At the end of the day though, my thought process is "oh, shes probably not interested in me...so I wont make a move." Is the constant thought that goes through my mind when I find a potential partner. But people tell me to do that???To have this mentality of not caring and acting like youre not interested. But I want to invest and be interesting but it d doesn't work in my favor.

Ive been wanting to push everyone away. I WANT to feel like im worthless so I can get closer to the edge of running away and never coming back. I am so tired of being so tired. Holy fuck I just want to drive FAR away and start over. Please, there have to be people out there that feel like me. Most of my friends have GFs, but look at me. I feel fucking hideous. I posted on the r/amiugly and r/rateme subreddits to see if I could regain some reassurance that nothing is wrong with me or maybe just to push me closer to the edge, theres always an overwhelming amount of people on those communities that call me ugly, unattractive, or rate me low. There are positive comments, but I focus on the negatives. I WANT to feel shitty, I want to have more reasons to kill myself. 

Fuck everyone that tells me that you need to work on yourself. I will fucking scream. I have been "working on myself". I go to the gym, im graduating FINALLY in May, i take good care of myself with hygiene, etc etc. Thats a cop out. The friends that tell me that have GFs, they dont get the struggle. Its like saying theres a certificate i need to achieve before i can find love. Everyone deserves to be loved despite what they are going through. Finding yourself is an ever going process that doesnt end. Im trying, im trying to keep this smile on my face but behind that smile is nothing but misery and agony. 

Everyone enjoys being around me because I am so fucking funny. I do stupid shit, thats my knack I guess. Im clumsy. People like that. I like it too I guess. Whatever makes people laugh and smile. I like that. I dont want friends to think I am suffering so I portray myself as this energetic, fun, social, outgoing guy. But its just a facade. This is cry for help, for someone to listen. Please. Im so fucking exhausted.