I'm not really expecting a whole lot of people to care about or see this, but I really have no one I feel comfortable talking to about this because no one knows I have BPD, or even what it is because I've been doing so well for so long that I seem almost normal. In light of this, what has sent me spiralling might seem like not that big of a deal to them or anyone else, but right now I feel like I've lived this delusional life, believing (and being told) that I could be what I wanted to be and it took one email to make me realize all of that will be nearly impossible.

I have cried and cried for days. Actually, ever since I got this email. It was from my school informing me that that "after much consideration or your circumstances...in the end, the transfer just wasn't possible."

After giving them $50 for an audition, $40 per hour for a god damn piano player, and one lesson from that flute teacher was gonna be $115/hr. Where the fuck does this chick get off charging students that much money? I wanted ONE lesson to make sure I was in good shape. I wanted her to see that I could actually play. Saying that the transfer wasn't possible like it wasn't a choice that they made is another thing that gets me.

I auditioned for the B Mus program at a university I've already studied at for 2 years. I take almost every single same course as the B Mus students, but they get to be in ensembles and have private lessons. I love to be part of a bigger sound. I may not be a soloist, but when I'm playing with even one other person my sound improves dramatically- I thought, "I can't be TERRIBLE because already did a 3 year performance program in college". 

Guess I got stage fright, like lots of good musicians do. I would have thought an adjudicator would be able to recognize when someone just has bad nerves.

So based on this audition, which went not entirely bad but not a great show of my actual ability, he determined that I had no potential whatsoever to complete the program. I do well in all of my academic classes like theory and history, and most importantly I love music and WANT to be here. Anyone you asked would tell you that music is my whole life. It SAVED my life. I love to listen to it, to play it and to study it. The theory, the psychology, the science, the DRAMA...it all fascinates and excites me like nothing else in the whole world ever could. I may not be a performer, but to be denied the opportunity to prove myself as a musician based on a 15 minute meet and greet with no discussion about my case that they supposedly "took into special consideration", yet apparently know nothing about, I feel cheated. I feel like so much of what I've sacrificed was brushed aside by these elitist fucks who think that I can't keep up. My roommate graduated with me and encouraged me to audition like he did! Why would he encourage me to do that if I wasn't good enough? WHY?

To be more clear, I hadn't had a lesson for almost 2 years when I had that audition. I practiced my ass off, to the best of my ability, re-learned pieces from college on my own and after a few months I almost played the pieces without mistakes-- when I practised. I thought one of my strengths was musicality, and I had hoped that they would pick up on that despite my nerves getting the best of me during the performance.

Point being, now through this email interaction I feel as though whatever semblance of confidence that I had as a musician has been destroyed. All my life people supported me and told me to pursue music because it was my passion. It's the only thing I really care about, that makes sense, that has been there for me and it was something I thought I could be good at. Now I may not even be able to teach music and I've been in post secondary school for 5 god damn years already. My stomach is in a million knots. 

I am torn between feeling as though I have to realize now that all my work and all the things I thought I knew about myself were delusions and my diploma means nothing, or I am being denied the chance to even improve. So what am I going to do now? I have a useless 3 year diploma and 35 000 dollars of debt, if I quit the program now I'll have wasted another 2 years but I don't know how I can keep going after what has happened inside me. 

If I can't have the B Mus I don't want anything at all. THIS is what I can't get over. I want it so bad. I feel like I deserve a chance to make this switch because I love to play in ensembles. I'm not allowed that opportunity if I stay in my current program. 

The worst part of all is that now the one thing I loved makes me sick to think about. I used to turn to music to make me feel better but now it is the source of my pain and I can't stop feeling so sad.