I don't know what happy is anymore. I know it isn't just "an absence of bad thoughts" but I can't ever get anything more than that. Like once a week I think I'll feel actually happy, it'll feel like everything is going to work out and I feel content with where I am. Even thinking about the future or other people is fine! But it never sticks around, and as far as I can tell there is no real cause for it. It just kinda happens, teases me for a few minutes, and then everything just fades back to that disconnected content feeling for the next week or two. It's like it's just fucking taunting me, showing me where everyone else is just so I can get a feel for how bad everything really is, just in case I manage to convince myself I'm better now.