Tw:suicide,rape
I constantly make poor choices and just make my life worse. I put my family in debt, I made a mistake that almost cost me my life, I failed out of school, I have no job, I lost my best friends. 
Im in my 20s and have been abused my whole life-physically,verbally,mentally,emotionally (all by my family), and sexually (not my family). The most recent was my rape(s) over a month ago. He did it multiple times in one night. I keep putting myself in risky situations thinking I’ll be fine and my family blames me for every time I have been raped because I made decisions that led up to it. So I didn’t tell them about the one(s) that just happened. I can’t do anything anymore. I can’t even function I’m just in bed all day. I decided to leave my house today and got into a car accident. Nothing is going right for me and my depressive episode has been going on for over a month. I’m having suicidal thoughts and I really want to go through with it. I don’t know what the point is to life. People keep telling me to push past this or buck up and that everyone had problems but they can’t lay in bed all day every day. But it’s impossible for me and I know it’s true so why try. Earlier this year I attempted suicide and was in the hospital but I keep crying because i just wish it had worked. I’m so tired of having to wake up every day. I just wish I wasn’t bipolar and part of me wants to just wallow in this and not get better so I can rot and die. It has never been this bad I feel broken. When I tried to kill my self earlier this year the pain was more intense and I don’t know how to explain it. This just feels different because I have given up now. I don’t care about anything, anyone, or myself. If someone stabbed me tomorrow I would be fine because that means I could potentially die. I’m exhausted of living.