I 18M have been at a lost of everything. I've grown up in a really toxic and unsupportive environment, my mother is  manipulating and always plays the victim and my father is sexist and a womanizer among others. One of the earliest memories was about my mom screaming at me because my dad was with another women and why I don't go live with them if I was so "happy" when I was with my dad and  when she tried to kick me and my brother out of our home when I wasn't even 10 years old, I still vividly remember her putting all our clothes in trash bags and throwing them out of our home. I've always been there for my mom on the good and the bad, every time she's sad I try to cheer her up or help her, even in the small things I help her but she doesn't that all she sees is a failure of a son that she has, she doesn't say it but I feel that she feels that way. The other day we were fighting and I told her that I wasn't happy and that I didn't feel like living anymore because I was tired of everything and she replied with " idk why, is it cause of your video games cause you don't have a real reason to feel like that. How can you say that to your own son.

 I love my mom and dad cause they're my family and it hurts me when they feel alone or sad cause we don't have much family and we aren't very connected to the few we have, but its killing me how bad they make me feel a lot of times.

I wanna die cause I barely have friends, I cant stand to look at myself in pictures or mirrors cause all I see is an monster whos a nobody and if I try a different style clothing or something  that I think makes me look nice my mom starts judging on how bad I look and that I shouldn't  dress like that, I have trouble connecting with people because I don't like putting people in pedestals and treating them like kings when their just assholes, I hate how society works and their dumb stereotypes . I've barely cut myself (not judging anyone whos done it) but I think almost on a daily basis on how to end myself in my car cause that's the only place I can feel some type of peace. I'm at my wits end.