When I'm walking down the streets, I see some homeless people and street vendors trying to make a living, I used the internet to catch up some news i see some people who lost everything, and I just realized that my life is 10x better life than other and that I am so lucky because I got a place to stay and sleep every day, never run out of food, I have a job, and pay my bills on time.

And yet I'm not still quite understand why I am not happy, it's like something is holding me back to make my life even better, I couldn't remember the last time that I am so genuinely happy that it lasted for a few days, even months without thinking about my past or the future just existing in the present. 

These days I'm just faking my happiness, deep inside my heart, I am so hopeless that not existing is all in my mind.

why is that? is this a curse?