
Sometimes I ponder the things that made me like this. I know that there isnt like an actual cause for bpd but every where I have researched seems to really only point out that having a consistently traumatic childhood is an onset for bpd. 

It is confusing me though. I mean yeah, I struggle to look back on my childhood without going on an emotional tirade but like... it cant have been that traumatic?? My parents are decent people and seem to love me and (somewhat) support me even though I am a literal screw up of a human being. I just dont understand it because I dont think I was ever abused or anything and yet I act like someone who has suffered severe trauma, bpd aside.

I am not really sure what the point of this post is... sigh...

 I know that my step dad was really emotionally abusive... yet I dont feel like that was traumatic enough for this. 

I know my dad was also emotionally abusive... but I dont feel like that was traumatic enough. 

I know my parents divorced  but that is completely normal

I know they constantly drug me into the middle of their arguments... because they were all about me

I know if I decided to stay with one for a day longer or try to ask to change the schedule, it did not go well and would result in someone making me cry because I was playing favorites...

I know I was cconstantly trying to make both parents happy but it was impossible for them both to be happy at the same time

I know that the weight of their happiness rested in my shoulders

I know that I "had decisions" back then... and choosing wrong would result in the collapse of peace that I was always fighting so desperately to keep. 

I know that when I tried to make a decision for myself and live with my mom primarily my dad threatened court. 

I know that I knew that was the opposite if peace. That was war. The last thing I wanted. 

I know that somehow I narrowly avoided war by switching back and forth between both houses basically every day. For 4 years. No one saw a problem with that. Anf if they did they didnt fight hard enough to stop me. 

The war I was constantly fighting to stop in real life instead grew inside ne... against me. No one knew it. Not even me. 

No one stopped it. 

Not even me. 

Why did no one stop this war where I was constantly losing trying to keep the peace of my parebts? It was not supposed to be a war. 

I know that they didnt mean to do that to me. They didnt know the war I felt. They really didn't have mal intent for me to grow up broken. 

Thats why I feel it wasnt really abuse. It wasnt really neglect. 

And niw I cant tell them. Well, I have talked ti my mim about it before... but it inevitably ends with me spiralling and her feeling blamed. It doesnt help me. The war is still going string and it doesn't fix that. 

I wish I knew how to stop it. I want to be able to fight this war and win. 