I know this isn't really the right place but I know this community is better than most on reddit, so I'm posting here anyway.

I don't even know where to start with this, or even what I am trying to say. I apologise if this whole message is just some garbled garbage. 

As per usual my life is a mess and I am self destructing, jeopardising everything I have worked so hard for over the last 4 years.

I feel so lazy all of the time and I don't know how to not be. There are so many things that I need to do at the moment, things that are important to me and my future, but I can't seem to motivate myself to do them. I had a really bad weekend emotionally and took today off sick, I have stuff that I need to do but instead of doing it, I've been lying in bed all day doing absolutely nothing. I haven't even eaten.

This happens all the time, where I spend my days not doing anything. Sometimes it feels like I'm paralysed by anxiety and sometimes it feels like I'm just too lazy to put the effort into anything.
I don't even know if I'll respond to any responses I get on this because I never follow through with anything and the thought of typing out a message fills me with dread.

This has permeated into my work (although I think a lot of my current issues are from work), which I completely despise as it is. There are things I can and should be doing at work which would make my life much easier but I never do them, I'll try sometimes but within a few days I'm just back to my usual useless self.

I watch the people around me achieve so much, some have done things in 9 months that I haven't been able to do in 3 years.

I currently hate my job so much and feel so much animosity towards my managers and the company in general that I want to fight them on everything! I've been down this road before and I know where it leads (unemployment), this time however I can't afford to lose my job. I have people dependant on me keeping my job. It's just getting so impossibly hard to keep my head in the game and do my work.

In 2 months time I'm going to be going for sex reassignment surgery, this is something I have been trying to get for the last 11 years but which has always been outside of my financial grasp.
Its now happening and I am so happy that it is, but its almost as if knowing that it is happening has made me feel even more rebellious at work.

I don't know if I can keep it together for the next 2 months. I desperately need to change jobs but I won't be able to do it until maybe next March, once I've healed up enough to spend long periods of time sitting at a desk. This is killing me because I want out so badly.

I want to change careers, I'm so tired of doing what I do, my current job has made me feel worthless and has wasted my skills for the last 3 years, to the point where I don't even remember how to do the majority of the things I used to.
I need to improve my skills, study, learn, just something but I'm just too lazy. It's easier lying here in bed and feeling sorry for myself while looking at memes on the Internet.

My psychologist has said to me that I am not lazy but I don't think she understands just how bad it is, it can't not be laziness.

My relationship with my Gf are also taking strain, most of the time I don't feel anything except anger resentment and sadness, this of course has made my already unstable relationship even more unstable and I question almost every day why I am with her. I love her but I feel so disconnected. Its the longest relationship I've ever had and I'm fucking that up too.
Yesterday I lost my shit and fucked up my flat, kicking and hitting everything in sight. I'm so angry.

If you're still reading this, thank you and sorry for the rambling. I don't know what the point of this post is and I don't know what I want to get from it, I guess I just needed to write it out. IDK.