I feel the need to write my story down and share it, but I also feel really ‘stuck’ and confused right now. My therapist, who has been focusing heavily on DBT skills with me, now wants me to switch to a new therapist who specializes in EMDR for addressing my PTSD because I no longer fit the criteria for BPD. She had asked what my goals are and I said I really am not sure, but I do know that I eventually want to get another psychiatric evaluation when I’ve completed DBT therapy after 18months. She took me by surprised and said “let’s look at that right now because I really think you have progressed faster than you thought you would,” and we went over the criteria together and sure enough... the only criteria that I currently fit is not being certain of my own identity. I had anticipated a LONG and arduous recovery because I’m older (30’s), but she pointed out that my intellectual capacity has allowed me to progress and heal in ways that I hadn’t anticipated. I had even accepted the possibility that I could be one of those who is not capable of recovery, and therefore I would always struggle with BPD symptoms. It wasn’t easy by any means, and there were even sessions where we didn’t get along well, but we worked through it using DBT skills. I guess that not knowing how to feel about this is being partly clouded by the idea of reliving many of my traumas through EMDR. She’s going to refer me to someone else during our session next week. I really want to overcome PTSD too, but I am terrified that doing so will cause a reversion of BPD! Is that even possible? 

My therapist believes that I went in the right order of therapy (DBT first) because I was extremely resistant and dissociative in the beginning and thus I wouldn’t have been receptive to EMDR. And now, supposedly I will? 

I expressed doubt in my own self-confidence, that maybe I am not ready for this change... 

But maybe I really am? I’m trying not to take this change, her referring me to someone else, personally, but it does feel very personal... and I know that’s like residual BPD thought processing. It’s not personal... it’s professional + client moving on in separate ways, and that’s okay. But damn. I feel almost like a fraud or and imposter, like maybe I’ve somehow I unintentionally fooled this caring, compassionate person in to thinking I’m in a better place than I am... 

But I am in a good place. I know that. So why is my mind still trying to doubt it all? What the hell! Sheesh. This should be nothing but joyous but I almost feel like I don’t deserve it. What am I going to do?