I don't know what to do anymore. Any kind of relationship, romantic or platonic, I eventually ruin. And I'm scared that's happening with my best friend, my favorite person. I threw a tantrum today because my bff has work tomorrow afternoon and night, so at the most I could only see her for an hour or 2. I got upset, split and told her I didn't want to see her at all, not even her offering to make it up to me the next day. Me and all of my friends are still pretty young (I'm turning 19) and it's silly but kinda expected that birthdays are still a big deal and everyone takes the day off to celebrate. I have never made a big deal at all out of my own birthdays out of fear of disappointment, but I love making a big deal for other people and doing really special things for them. I haven't been ok lately, I've been constantly suicidal whenever I'm alone, my bff has been busy and I haven't seen her in a couple weeks, but I've been telling all of my close family and friends that the only thing I want is to spend my birthday with them. And now I just wanna die, I feel like a huge fucking brat for going into a rage at something so petty, but I still feel hurt because she works at a crappy job where her employers don't care, she requests off a whole lot and she could have easily requested tomorrow off if she cared at all. Now I'm thinking of telling everyone else that I want to spend my birthday alone, but I would only be spending it crying in bed all day, same as today.

I made this account because I just need to hear that someone at least understands me, I know I need some real help but I don't know if anything can help me anymore, I don't know how or if I'm gonna survive my 19th year. I fucking hate being like this, I hate that I am so over dramatic, that when someone flakes or doesn't answer a text I go into a rage and then a suicidal depression, but the second I'm with my friends and we're goofing off and dancing and cuddling I decide that nothing is wrong with me and that I'm the happiest girl in the world. I hate that I can't be the cool, chill friend who everyone can rely on, I hate that I am so completely out of control and I know it and I can feel it happening but I am too scared to tell anyone anymore. When I was 11 I didn't understand what mental illness was but I was constantly sad, on the playground I interrogated my friends on how they were happy, on how they could laugh and smile all the time and seem ok. Naturally they were a bit weirded out and confused, but I genuinely thought everyone was keeping this big secret on how to be ok from me. I would google "how to be happy" everyday and it only hit me when eventually I started getting tons of ads for antidepressants and shit like that. I was just a kid but I felt like a freak and stopped asking my friends about emotions. When I was 13 and starving and hurting myself my mom found the cuts on my wrist and dragged me out of bed by the arm and showed my whole family, where I was teased by my siblings for being "emo" and my dad was in complete denial, believed my dumb excuse that my cat had clawed at me. A day later my mom threatened me about how I could never let anyone see the scars. No one ever got me any professional help, or even any comfort. A couple months ago during another suicidal state when I had recently left my harmful ex boyfriend and was (at the moment) regretting it, I confessed to my bff that sometimes I wanted to die. She looked uncomfortable and told me that everyone leaves eventually and I need to learn to deal with it, then changed the subject. A couple days later I told my older sister about that conversation and about how lonely and sad I felt, that I was still suicidal and wanted support. She told me that nobody wants to hangout with the sad friend. These are isolated incidents and I feel like shit for writing them out because they make my loved ones look bad, they're good people but it breaks my heart because I know they only pretend to care. I'm sorry for rambling so much, I don't know if this is even readable and I'm too upset to edit all of this writing. Thank you to anyone who did read any of this :(