I'm beyond depressed because I feel like none of my life, accomplishments, goals or experiences are real. I'm always speaking the truth and it really feels like I'm being controlled by people all the time. Like idk if it's God and angels or if it's doctors and psychiatrists intervening with my life without consent or what but it's all feeling unreal.

I got trapped in an elevator earlier and almost suffocated and as I look back on the experience it feels staged. The elevator opened thanks to the fire department right before I was about to pass out. It's like a controlled area designed to make me crazy and keep me crazy. Unfortunately Its not just that one incidence either. Everyday it's something else in this fucked up world and I'm not buying it anymore.

I was just reading about community treatment orders. I always wondered if maybe I was in some kind of program because people think in crazy. The fact is the mere thought of being in a program is what is making me crazy and validation that I am in fact in some kind of program against my will.

The thing is I am smart enough to understand that even if I was I would not find answers on the internet because the internet as a whole is just a giant web of lies if this is the reality. It's creating the illusion that I'm part of something bigger but it's really just a way of keeping me contained more. My world feels fake and I never come in contact with children.

As creepy as that makes me sound it just validates the fact that I am being manipulated by society and the people in my community consider me a danger to the most vulnerable in society. I'd never hurt anyone but the coincidences are what make me feel very lost and crazy. In fact it's driving me more and more insane everyday.

I called out my work managers for doing a wrongful practice and putting patients at risks and next thing I know a day later the world is quarantined and freaking out over a virus. Again if it is a  coincidence it's a hell of a coincidence. I always think about how these people in my life if they are quarantining me on some level they are making a career off this shit and have to keep up the charade.

I know how paranoid I sound but if you saw it from my perspective you'd understand that even if I was paranoid there's still some part of the puzzle that I am not in control of whether it's in my mind or not. 

I'm not into social gatherings- so I could see why people don't trust me. I love being alone -so I could see why people would assume im too much of an introvert and need help. I don't ever want to be with another woman because I loved one person who thinks I'm insane and convinced the world I'm insane before she left my crazy ass. 


Regardless of all these feelings I just don't understand why even if I am considered some sort of threat to the public why I can't just be content to drift in my own world of imagination? Why lock me in an elevator or in a psych ward or in a cop car or whatever.

It's like I have been gaslighted into this cosmic feeling of aloneness  and now that I'm ready for help instead of in the past when I was forced to get help I don't trust a single individual to be up front with me. 

This is why I think a person should have the right to chose if they want to end the suffering in their own life no matter what "illness" a unelected psychiatrist or doctors decides I have. If I have this much introspection into my own life and still can't find a solution to my problem (aka society telling me I have a problem) than wtf is the point of existing exactly?