i haven’t had the best relationship with my parents and i’m thoroughly convinced they like my sister more bc she is at a prestigious uni and is leaving to study abroad tomorrow, and she keeps in touch with family and jokes around a lot (she’s bipolar and had has an ed). i never feel comfortable around family, esp my parents. after years of trauma, they expect me to act like everything is all fine and dandy, and i really wish i could be there for them and visit regularly, but i can’t stand more than an hour in their company. but then i feel bad bc they do so much for me too. 
a few days before xmas i lost a close relative so we took a family trip to go to the service and i couldn’t get out of my own headspace enough to be there for my dad, who has so many other bigger problems to deal with. i wanted to be able to be there but i also only felt frustration and irritation when around him. but as soon as i left his presence, i felt nothing but regret and sadness and guilt. 
when i got back home to my s/o i could only cry. he never thinks anything of it. he just lets me feel my feelings, which is great, but sometimes it’d be nice for him to show he cares a little more. the next day, something very triggering happened when we went out to get coffee (involving me getting jealous bc he’s so sociable with one barista in particular). i simply lost my voice and shut him out until the next day. he didn’t check on me or try to comfort/console me and it made me feel even worse. 
i dont want to be babied but i also don’t want to have to voice what i want when it should be expected? 
i’ve been feeling extra suicidal, probably the closest i’ve gotten to a full fledged plan and i’m getting worried but i also don’t care. how do u guys cope ? 