DISCLAIMER: I am not suicidal. I do have suicidal ideations SOMETIMES but I'm too scared to ever act on them. I've never been able to make myself act on suicidal ideations because I am very afraid of pain. I'm also afraid of making my life worse (what if fail the attempt and I end up in an even worse condition; I will never attempt anything because of that fear of increased suffering) Honestly, it would be easier for me to fix this problem if I lived somewhere like this... [https://video.vice.com/en\_us/video/right-to-die-1-10/5786c518914084e32a41b551](https://video.vice.com/en_us/video/right-to-die-1-10/5786c518914084e32a41b551)

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With that out of the way, here is some info for you to get an idea why I feel this way.

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I'm 35  white male. I've been crazy (bipolar 2) my whole life. I got yelled at as a child because I have really bad ADD and bipolar problems. Everyone told me to hide it because it will make my life harder. Some even said, " It's just a phase".

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You can skip next paragraph. Below is an example how my brain actually works...it's real weird...

Just a phase? A child at the age of 2, using all my strength to bash my head against the wall with all my might over and over like a bouncing ball until someone intervened. As child at he age of 7 thinking about suicide because I felt stupid. People even told me to hide mental problems so other people won't report me as mentally ill... permanent record...

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Continuing the personal background...

Before the age of 25-28, I was concerned something was wrong with me. Unfortunately, I never made any "REAL" efforts to get proper psychiatric treatment until the age of 30.

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Describing my treatment experience the best way I know how...

That was when I started getting help from a team of mental health professionals (psychiatrist, social worker, support groups, and people who try to make themselves available for me to have someone to help). Everyone told me how lucky I am, but I still couldn't make it work. Not even with a whole support group trying to help me. I just don't know if I'm congititvely able to function, but I want to figure out if it's possible. What else can I do? I hate seeing the way I affect people around me. Most of the time, I just have awkward behavioral issues.

They were trying to work together with each other through me (instead of communicating with each other directly). I gave them both permission to communicate with my family and whoever else to help keep me from getting things mixed up or delusional ideas.

The intention of paying two mental health professions is that they would work as a team to help me afford more therapy than just once every two weeks. The mandate was to think up a plan to get me back into society, working, independent, etc. I had no insurance so my family paid cash, no discount. Thousands of dollars paid out to those two. The psychiatrist and therapist/social worker were helpful, but sadly I'm just not smart enough to make it work. The psychiatrist prescribed me 4 or 5 different types of pharmaceuticals after diagnosing me as bipolar. They all made me sick or gave me really bad side effects. My therapist suggested that I was sensitive to pharma and suggested I try medical cannabis because as a child I saw extreme improvements (at the cost of a few pesky side effects). However, I cannot seem to get myself into a functional mental state.

My brain just overrides my efforts to think clearly with confusing insane mood swings that make me feel like I'm out of control and sometimes it takes all of my physical strength to avoid a massive destructive tantrum (this is what makes me feel like there is no hope for me to get better; I'm trying to make my peace with permanently mentally ill; dysfunctional; also trying to minimize any negative effects my mental illness can cause; aka stop myself from breaking shit like a toddler in a mans body). Sometimes it goes away after a few hours or even a few minutes. I have never been in a fight or hit anyone while I was like that. However, I did run head first into wall. I threw a queen sized bed and desk across my room like a fucking pyscho. Once I threw a chair and it stuck perfectly into the wall. Once I got so pissed off at myself I just starting spitting on everything. It's absolutely horrifying for me. I can only imagine what my family thought the first couple hundred times it happens. Now they know, just leave me alone or call the cops because I'm pretty much a raving lunatic... for no real reason... Sometimes I just lock up and fall to the floor trying to prevent the insane shit that comes into the part of my brain that makes me do things like a reflex. My therapist said something like rage seizure or something like that in addition to being bipolar. However, she said she wasn't qualified to diagnose me so I need to go to a neurologist to check for brain damage due to all of my head injuries (I've had more than 10 minors and 3 major head injuries). I hate being like this. I really just wish I could curl up into a ball and just vanish from consciousness. Complete nothingness would be better than living like an animal.

It just sits on my brain like I've completely lost my ability to discern reality from whatever goes on in my head. I can't really focus to do what I am supposed to. I go from task to task compulsively. One day I want to be good at a video game. Another, day I'm going to learn how to be my own personal trainer (spoiler alert I'm also physically unhealthy; fat lazy etc).

I don't even know what I'm doing here. I did zero reading before posting. I just felt panicked and I'm tired of squirreling this away in my journal. I need help, but I'm not sure if I can even be helped.

I'm just trying to show you how weird my thought process is. Sometimes my brain just gets completely wiped for a couple seconds. Like I just forget everything. Then something random triggers it and it's like a neural pathway lights back up. I've always been like this, but it's getting much worse over the past 6-8 months.

However, I know that I'm a burden in many ways. I try my best to mitigate my bipolar behavior as much as I can. However, my behavior is a reflection of what is happening in my brain. Erratic, Confused, Forgetful, Angry, Sad, Euphoric, empty, (sometimes it feels like all emotions are strong at the same time; like a tornado of razor blades inside my head but the razor blades are emotional mood swings happening simultaneously; flood or drought of chemicals in my brain) overwhelming sense of opposing ideas constantly tugging me to completely change through mood swings.

My goal used to be overcoming this illness. I've failed at it for years with a team of mental health professionals helping me for at least 8 months last year. It was my families last attempt to try to get me some help. Now they are all hurting financially and I'm getting worse. I lost access to my treatment professionals because my family can't spare anymore. I'm eternally grateful to anyone who has ever tried to help me, but I also feel sorry for them. I wish I could just figure out how to live a somewhat independent, healthy life.

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I should be doing something else, anything else. Yet here I am. I'm thinking of trying to get a cheap camera so I can video journal to have some type of way to analyze myself or maybe edit key examples to show the world to ask for help.

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I saw a documentary on ICE Poseidon, The IRL streamer. I liked his idea about IRL streaming for having helpful community to guide him with good advice in his daily life. I don't care about money. Just need help with good ideas. 

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You see what I mean? I just keep grasping at erratic nonsense ideas. Not very good grip on reality.