I keep zoning out, i have memory gaps, i am losing track of time and i constantly have this feeling of tightness almost as if someone is clutching my heart or pulling strings in that area. Was taking inderal but it stopped working so started using pregabalin to manage it but now that doesn't not even work. Havent consulted a doctor in months because i live in a country that gives no fucks about mental health especially if you are young. I am a college student and my stress levels are off the roof right now because i am working on my final project at the moment and on top of that having an abusive family does not help. My father is making life hell for me and my sister. I constantly swing between suicidal and homicidal thoughts and i am so angry at everything i dont know what to do. I know i wont ever act out on my violent thoughts but i might end up ending my life. There is a constant weight on my body and its like i am being pushed to the ground. 

I am so tired of everything. I just want everything to end.