Apologies in advance for the long post. 

I have been thinking about this for a while, and a comment I saw on another post inspired me to write this. 

You cannot set a boundary for someone else. That is by definition quite literally not what a boundary is 

In the example of the comment I read that inspired this post (I apologize for not linking, I can't find the post), someone was posting about being upset that a boundary of theirs was violated by their partner watching porn. The commenter accurately pointed out that you cannot set a boundary for how other people behave. 

Why I think that this is worth writing about is because I think talking about this in blatant terms might mitigate the risk of us being controlling with our loved ones, which I know is a problem for those of us with BPD. 

&amp;#x200B;

A boundary is a rule or a limit you set for **yourself**. It refers to the extent to which others are allowed to engage with you. In short: what others are or are not allowed to do to **you**. Examples of boundaries are as follows:

&amp;#x200B;

* I am not comfortable having penetrative sex, so I will only have oral sex 
* I am not comfortable sleeping in your bed, so I will stay in my own space
* This kink is not something I want to engage with
* I will not continue to speak to your \[insert family member\] if they continue to treat me unkindly

&amp;#x200B;

An example of what a boundary is **not:**

&amp;#x200B;

* You are not allowed watch porn while we are in a relationship 
* You cannot go out with single members of your preferred gender on your own 
* Any intimate expressions of affection with a member of your preferred gender are not permitted 
* You have to block \[insert name\] because they are acting too flirtatious and disrespecting our relationship

&amp;#x200B;

The above list consists of (in my opinion) perfectly reasonable requests for a monogamous relationship, but they are by definition not boundaries. 

The difference between the two lists is that list one refers to actions that you yourself are able to regulate and control, while list two refers to actions that are solely in relation to your partner; list one is of boundaries, and list two is of **rules**. 

To be clear, having rules in a relationship is perfectly reasonable, even if referring to them as "rules" sounds tyrannical. I actually think having a harsh name like "rules" is perfect for keeping things in perspective for people like us who tend to be impulsive. 

*(Tip: If you do not feel comfortable confidently referring to something as a rule, then it might not be a reasonable request)* 

&amp;#x200B;

When your partner does something that you view as totally unacceptable and "boundary-violating" that you want to permanently eliminate from the relationship, there are some questions you must ask yourself:

1. Is this about me, or my partner's behavior? 
2. How does this tangibly impact me?
3. Is this a limit I am also willing to set for myself?
4. Is this a limit that I have been practicing since the beginning of our relationship?
5. Was this limit implied at the onset of our relationship (e.g., basic rules of monogamy for those with a single partner)?
6. Was this a limit we had previously discussed and agreed upon?
7. Would this request be deemed reasonable but both parties? 

&amp;#x200B;

So before slamming the ban-hammer on a specific action that your partner commits, think about these questions critically. Answering the above should help you determine if 1. this is a rule or a boundary, and 2. if it is a reasonable request. 

One thing I want to add is that **no one** can tell you what you should or should not be comfortable with. You can **absolutely** be uncomfortable with an action your partner commits, and want to set a rule around it, even if others may find it unreasonable. As long as your partner consents and the distribution of rules is even, **it is none of anyone's business**. 

If you have a rule you want to enforce in your relationship that your partner is not willing to agree to, your choices are either to find a compromise or leave the relationship. **You cannot enforce a rule that your partner did not consent to**. Your best bet is to find someone whose comfort zones align with yours so the likelihood of this issue popping up in the future is decreased. 

&amp;#x200B;

I hope this post helps at least some of you with thinking about rules and boundaries in a relationship, and how to practice them. I know this is something I struggled with in the past with my BPD, and I have seen others going through the same.