I was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago at 21 and had a therapist that I talked to monthly for the first year. I was considered high functioning so it wasn't anything people noticed growing up. After being diagnosed, I learned how to open up about it with loved ones and close friends. I've gotten much better and have developed some coping mechanisms. 

Ever since lockdown though, I've noticed that on top of my feelings of extreme sadness and loneliness, my mood also fluctuates quite often. I was very sensitive all the time and had a very rocky relationship with my ex boyfriend during our last 5 months together despite things going very well initially. We actually got quite serious very quickly and I spent most of lockdown at his place. We'd miss each other and call each other all the time when we were apart. I was always wondering how he was doing and it was like my entire day just revolved around him. When we started having some problems though, I thought it was cause of my depression and lockdown, and then thought it was because of a change in birth control. I ultimately ended the relationship because I felt like he wasn't putting in the same effort I was and wasn't supportive when I needed him most. 

For some context, he lost his job three weeks into our relationship. He was dealing with depression and not having his ADHD medication as well, so I tried my best to research having a relationship with people diagnosed with ADHD and stuck by him. I did little things like folding his clothes, doing the dishes or sweeping the floors before I left his place whenever I was over. I learned to make his favourite food and tried to pack leftovers for him to bring to work when he found a new job too. This wasn't because I thought he couldn't take care of himself, but because I knew how debilitating depression can be. Sometimes chores pile up until you don't even know where to begin. He also lost two separate groups of friends during this time and I really tried my best to be there for him.

When things got rough for me though, it just felt like he didn't really care. He would say he didn't understand birth control and couldn't even spend a couple minutes to google what I was dealing with. A couple months into our relationship, my copper IUD embedded into my uterine walls and I had some scarring, my next form of BC the Nuvaring then made my emotions a rollercoaster and finally despite being afraid for my Kyleena insertion, he never offered to drive me to my appointment or to see me after. When I wanted to talk about his lack of care for me, he got angry and said I was pushing him. This was really rough on my mental health and feelings of self worth. 

Well, I've been talking to a new therapist and when I described my emotions and how I reacted during those 5 months with my ex,  she had me complete a set of questionnaires as she suspected that I may have BPD and my birth control may have exasperated the symptoms. We have an interview scheduled next week to discuss this in detail and I'm just not sure how I feel. 

I actually chose to stay single and work on myself and understanding how having depression impacts my day to day life before deciding to date. So, having my first serious relationship go to shit after a year and hearing that I may possibly have BPD has changed some things. Now that I've read the symptoms and how people react, I see the patterns in how I reacted to problems with my ex. I felt like I wasn't myself and was extremely sensitive to everything related to our relationship despite being a level headed person most of the time. Now I'm wondering if I really did fall head over heels for him, because of him, or because of BPD. Cause honestly? He had questionable habits and was actually an awful boyfriend most of the time. Outside of our first three months of bliss, he made me feel like shit all the time. He'd do things that really hurt me and I'd cry about it. We'd try to work it out and the cycle repeated. Something in me finally clicked though and I'm really glad I ended things. 

This just really sucks cause the last couple months have been extremely rough and this break up has torn me apart from the inside. I knew I made the right decision, but I still feel immense sadness whenever I think of him. The worst is that whenever I start feeling a bit better, he'll contact me and my emotions start spiraling again. Before dating him, I felt like I was finally in a great place in life and ready to take this next step. I moved to a new city, got accepted into my dream graduate program and loved my job. Now I'm worried it's going to take me years to figure out this new me before I can put myself out there again. I was hurt on so many levels and I don't want to inflict that hurt onto other people just because I have some baggage. It wouldn't be right for me to date someone until I know I'm ready to trust someone else again. I just don't know how long it'll take for me to heal and it scares me. 

I don't know what to expect during my next session, but I hope I can start moving forward and start feeling like myself again. I just needed to share this somewhere. I can't bring myself to talk about this situation with my loved ones just yet. 

Can people who were diagnosed with BPD later in life share ways they have coped and learned how to deal with it?