I [22 F], have been struggling with anxiety since a long time. Two of my worst "peak anxiety times" have been this summer, and November/December. 

In November and December, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, it was really really bad (even though I had virtual weekly 30 minutes long sessions with a psychologist from the university, she didn't help me much).

I'm very very afraid of the future in general. I'm currently doing the last year of my master's degree. Every time I think of the "after", I'm paralyzed and terrified and in a very bad mental space. My plan is to become a public servant (in France, public servants can't be fired, therefore it is a "secure" job, plus that's really what I like to do, working for the public interest). In order to do that, I'll have to pass an highly selective competitive exam.

I begun a 6-months-long internship in January, and it's going GREAT. I love it, and for 2 months, I haven't have any big anxiety crisis. I avoid thinking about the "after" and focus on the present, and really, I was proud of myself. I even dealt with very stressful situations at work, had to make phone calls/contact people (something I HATE), and for now I'm doing good. 

Everything was fine, until today, where my father asked me how my preparation for the competitive exam (in June) was going, and what were my options for preparation programs if I don't pass the exam in June. 

I was having a nice day, was enjoying my week end with my family... and instantly, thinking about "the future" and the "after university", of unplanned things, made me feel so so so bad. I felt the anxiety growing and growing and growing, and at some point I even had to go to my room where I cried, cried, cried. 

The idea of not passing the exam to be a public servant, of not being accepted in a preparation program, of not finding a job, of not being sure of what my life will look like in 8 months, in 1 year, the feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing what I'm going to do with my life... Thinking about every single thing that could go wrong, realizing how I can't control everything in my future... for something so important, it terrified me, made me feel awful, and I just broke down. 

Before I had to leave to cry in my room, I told my father I'd rather not think about it because it was making me feeling stressed and paralyzing, but he said that he could get that, but that I needed to make sure to be prepared, that I needed to think about it anyway, even if it was making me feel bad... 

I know he's right, and that denial isn't an option, but not thinking about this thing that is paralyzing me was the only way I found to cope. (Besides, I'm still studying a little for this exam in June, and I still keep in mind that in mid-March I'll have to apply for preparation programs... but until then, the less I think about it, the better I feel).

It makes me feel so frustrated because I really felt like I was doing so much better since January, I didn't have any big anxious episode like today in more than 2 months, and I find it very disappointing to see that the anxiety is still there, and to realize that anxiety crisis and break downs can still happen at any time, even when I thought everything was fine, even when I was having a good time and didn't expect it to happen. 

I didn't tell my parents I had to cry. I feel like they don't understand how anxious I am, how anxious I get, and why.

During the talk with my father, my mother just said "even if you don't find a job right after graduating, that's fine, you'll just come back home with us until you find something. It's normal, no one find a job the week after they graduate, it's not the end of the world!"

I know that objectively, it's not the end of the world, that it's not rational to feel the way I feel, to react the way I react... But that's literally the definition of anxiety! Anxiety isn't rational! 

I feel that no one understands what I experience, why I react that way, in my family, among my friends, and it makes me feel very very alone.

I also feel very ashamed of reacting that way, therefore I don't tell it (or I hide how bad I really react, how bad I really feel) to my parents or to my friends, because I know it's not "normal" and that I shouldn't be so paralyzed and feel so bad about the future like that. 

Writing this post helped me to feel better, though. Writing down my thoughts always helped me. Posting it here on this sub, I hope that some of the readers will understand what I'm going through and that I'll feel less alone? Even if no one reads it and no one answers, at least it helped me to write it down. 

If anyone has some advices, or some similar experiences to share, or just have some supportive/comfort words, it would really help me, though. Thanks for reading, sorry for the lenght!