Hey everyone, been a while since I’ve posted here. I’ve been with my partner for almost 7 years now and I love her just as much today as I did back when we were dumb kids. We started long distance and then she moved to my hometown (fairly small city, but not like middle of nowhere. Around 80,000 people). She is from a pretty large metropolitan area

Since then we’ve had our ups and downs like anyone, with my depression never ever leaving. I can’t remember the last day I didn’t think about dying. I drink too much. I use every from of escapism I can get my hands on. Im also a college dropout currently working a dead end call center job. Meanwhile her best friend is going into grad school. But my partner is amazing. I don’t say this in a bragging sense, I know many people here would love to have a partner like mine.

But I’m holding her back. I know I am. We’re visiting her family this week and we went out to this Korean BBQ place right? When it came up that we didn’t have a place like that, one of her family members just said “Yeah that’s because your city sucks”. I know they resent me for her moving. 95% of the time when the family gets together, we’re the ones that travel cause no one wants to go to my hometown. I know she doesn’t like where we live and that’s my fault. She wants to move back to this city. But doing that would be leaving a paid-off townhouse and my parents behind. They don’t really have any more family. I don’t have the skills to get a good job in a more expensive area. I can barely drag my ass out of bed every morning to work my current job. She can do so much better, and be so much more. I don’t want to ever ever lose her but I know she can do better. Someone as smart and motivated as she is. And I don’t know if I can ever be that person. 

I couldn’t ever leave her. She’s too important to me. But she deserves so much more than the shell of a person I am.

Sorry for rambling.