Well, long story short, she got really busy and didn't talk much with me anymore. We're in LDR and we used to stay on call 24/7 and we don't need to say anything, just being on call and be present while we're doing our thing is enough. But now she's busy, she doesn't call me much anymore. 

This week, she admitted to flirting with her colleague as a joke. When she told me that, she said it felt like cheating. On the other hand, I think it's harmless. Inside, I think to myself "Is it really harmless? Or the fact that you have tolerated so much bullshit in your life and this seems mild because of that?"

But I really do think it's fine because jokes are jokes. She told me before that LDR is hard for her because she can't feel my touch and that's her love language. She isn't someone who makes sexual jokes, but this time she did with her colleague. I think she just wants to fit in. She wants someone to like her IRL. I'm far away and I can't give her that.

We talked about it and we are okay now, it's just she is still absent. We haven't been on call for weeks now. And I truly miss her. With BPD, I always think I'm going to lose her over someone who can touch her and give her encouragement every day to keep going. I feel like I've been pouring into people's cups, including her, and I am now empty. Empty and numb.

I always text her every day and tell her that I love her and all the nice things. I just wish she look at her phone for a bit and reply back. Like right now, I know she's sleeping, she works all day and all night, but I wish she would say good night before she sleeps. IDK. Maybe this is BPD insecurity, or maybe it's normal to feel... Unwanted. She knew how this feels and she demanded I text her every 30 minutes if I was too busy before. Now that she's the one who is busy, she doesn't do it back to me. I don't want texts every 30 minutes. I just want a good morning and a good night...

Sad isn't it... To be so... Dependent on someone's presence. I really need her rn.