Bpd or not, I'm tired of dealing with stupid shit that keeps me from being happy. most people, even me, would say that I should purge said stupid shit from my life and move on. not that simple, when, the stupid shit is dealing with a husband (whom I love so completely) who won't/can't quit smoking cigarettes even though he knows how troubling it is for me. he smells bad, he's hurting his body and my mother died when I was only 18 from emphysema. Also dealing with the fact that as a mother with Bpd, I am scaring my child for life. He gets berrated for pushing my buttons and just generally being a brat. I have very few friends, well, one friend, and I've pushed away so many people in my life because I feel they are never trustworthy and that most of them don't give two shits about me. I was bullied from 5th grade through 12th. I was molested as a child and raped as a teen. I have absolutely no self esteem or self identity. I have constant stress headaches, severe nerve/sciatic pain in my legs all the time, and back pain most of the time. I can't sleep without drugging myself first and when I do sleep I usually have crippling nightmares that give me hell for the first few hours after I get up. I'm terrified. I feel isolated. I haven't been able to keep a steady job for the last 7 years because one or more of the above mentioned bullshit always breaks me down and I either quit or get fired. I feel like a waste of space. The only people in this world who really make me feel worth being alive happen to be my husband and child, and right now, they are my two main stressors. I've idealized suicide for a very long time, even attempting multiple times, but I'm too chicken shit to actually do it. I feel like I wait to run away, never come back and just generally give up and hope that someday, someone will put a bullet in my head or heart to finally end all this madness. Yes, I've been in therapy for years. I've done dbt, I've taken the meds that don't work. I've suffered on and off of them. Nothing helps because I can't get away from myself. I hate myself. I hate that I've hurt so many people who cared about me. I just want everything to stop. Now.
The biggest thing that pisses me off to no end about all of this, the bpd, the nightmares, the headaches, the lack of self worth, all of it, it the sheer fact that other people made me this way. I was not born this way. I was abused so much by my peers and then by the people who were supposed to protect me because they refused to help me.