I've never posted here before.. or really talked about this at all before, but I'll try to see if I can get some support. This is about my partner and I.

The multiple warnings are: self harm, cheating mention, suicide mention, if I need to add anything else please let me know


Things were incredibly unhealthy when we were eachother's FP because we constantly fought but were glued to eachother. But when I stopped being there's it became even worse. I became way too clingy, started self harming, tried to commit suicide twice, and over all I'm incredibly embarrassed over how I acted. We never broke up, they just became more interested in other people and other people became their FP.

We have mellowed out over the past couple of years. I gained a better sense of boundaries, I stopped going to them for every single problem I have, I tried to go make some friends of my own and even if that's not going very well it's better than not doing anything.

And even though I don't act on my hurt anymore, I still feel hurt. Even though they're literally not doing anything, they're just hanging out with friends. I even pop in and say hi and smile and wave or I bring snacks. And I'm telling myself "I feel happy for them, it's so nice that they get to have fun with other people, it must be a lot healthier for our relationship that I'm not their FP" and then I feel this weird pain in my gut. I have these thoughts like they're cheating on me again, sending nudes to other people again, like if I were to become suicidal again they would revert back to how they used to which was just... ghosting me until I could work through my depression by myself. Even though that was years ago.

And I know that in this story, there's probably things I'm leaving out or looking over. It's probably me who was the asshole and they probably stopped cheating or avoiding me because I became healthier and easier to love via therapy and medication.

But right now, some really scary symptoms are coming back. I'm being treated for trauma-related psychosis and my hallucinations and paranoia are hitting me super hard even though I haven't had those symptoms for years. I used to get really weird delusions (like *really* out-there delusions) and I'm scared that if I go into a delusional state then it will be like before. If I'm left alone while delusional, I might accidentally kill myself out of fear of whatever the hell I'll be delusional about ... demons or ghosts or robots or aliens or whatever. Ugh, but even as I write this I know that it shouldn't be on *their* shoulders to try to deal with my delusions. They're a good listener now, even if they don't know what to say. I should be fine with just having someone sit and listen.

This sucks, guys. I just want to be okay with how things are. I don't want to have such high expectations for my partner, that's not fair to them. I have never tried searching this up because I thought maybe I could find a healthy way to have a FP, but I don't think I can. How do I stop them from being my FP and just view them like a normal person with normal expectations?