I really don't understand how my brain works. One minute I can be fine, the next I'm crying over shit. 
I know I am bottling things up. I know.. I'm afriad to feel it properly. To properly process my emotions. But if it's this hard now when I am bottling everything up and hidkng, how easy is it going to be to face it head on?

It's not. I'm not stupid. It's going to be hard. I keep asking myself that question, when are you going to accept the thoughts you have? How much longer are you going to suffer? I don't know. I don't have those answers. Maybe I've accepted I cannot change and that this is how I will be for life. I've spent 15 years abusing alcohol and I cannot seem to stop, only for relationships. And even then, I failed. I failed with my ex fiancee and I failed in my recent relationship.

I really thought I worked on myself to the point I was ready. I was heartbroken beyond belief when it ended with my ex fiancee. But I rebuilt myself. I put in hard work. I wasn't looking for another relationship but it happened. I was, when single always so vigilant to never ever transfer my emotions to another person. I could never do that. 

So I knew when I fell for this other person, it was genuine. It was. The feelings I had for her were true and there where so many little things I loved about her. And it's always the little things that matter the most to me. And yet I failed her too. And it killed me when it ended. Did I react appropriately when it ended? Of course I didn't. But even if I knew I was doing all the wrong things I simply couldn't stop it. Same old story. I feel when things get too much o cease to have control of my thoughts and actions, untill I'm deep in it, and *then* realise that there is no point trying to crawl out of the hole I have digged. 

But being a better version of myself won't bring them back. So why bother? Maybe the core of if all is that I don't love myself. I'm sure you have heard the saying can't love anyone else before you love you. But I feel fucking tricked, because I genuinely thought I was near enough to that stage of loving and caring for myself, and yet here I am. 

Am I supposed to be alone untill I can fix myself? Even when I can never see a future in which I am fixed? Should I just give up? 

 I am so sick of all these confusing feelings haunting me. Feeling so lonely. I've tried to reach out. To get help. They all say the same thing that I need to do but yet don't offer me that help or point me in that direction. The only way it seems I'll get the help of I reach more of a rock bottom than I already am so I try to get there but it's too much. 

It may be suicidal ideations but no one at five o'clock in the morning should be enacting out scenarios in which they tie a rope to a tree and let go. That's not good for anyone's mental health no matter what there struggles are and I'm sick of feeling like I don't deserve the help, and I'm sick of my brain. I'm sick of crying so much and hiding and having to say I'm fine. 

Because from experience I know that even when I say I'm not fine it still doesn't make a difference. The pressure is put on me to make things change but how many times do I have to say I lack the capability to look after myself and do that for myself to get help? 

Who is going to listen to me when all I want to scream is that I have a problem, and I cannot help myself.