Hi everyone, I'd like to share a story. I don't really know what I'm expecting from writing this, I rarely post. I'm just tired of those anxiety peaks. Sorry if I make mistakes, I'm not fluent.

I (27 M) have been diagnosed with depression six months ago. I've dealt with anxiety in the past and sometimes still have panic attacks. I just joined an acting company in November. I'm super happy about it, I don't really know people there but they seem nice. Yesterday a party was organized, several theatre companies were invited to meet and get to know eachother. Theme of the party was the 2000's. I was really looking forward to it and figured I had to buy some stuff to dress with a 2000's style despite my bank account bein more than empty (-30$). I went to a thrift shop and bought all I needed for about 50$.
The party was starting at 8PM. I got back home around 7:30, I was obviously going to be late, I had to shower and get ready. I figured it'd take about an hour. I'd then have a 30 minute bike ride to get there. I would be there around 9PM. 

I don't know what happened next, I overthought some stuff, got distracted by God knows what, and I wasn't ready until 10:30PM... I took my bike, rode to the party. On my way, I got overwhelmed. Why was I even going to this party? I didn't know anybody. I was super late. I thought I was ridiculous. I thought about talking to people, having to explain why I was so late, trying to integrate already formed groups. I got into a flow of irrational negative thoughts. I got there by 11PM and then I got stuck. I couldn't get inside, it was like I was mentally blocked. I tried to calm down saying to myself I was being childish and overthinking all the social stuff. I usually don't struggle with social interactions but I sometimes get really shy and uncomfortable for no reason. And yesterday night, I felt like in 3rd grade again, not being able to talk to anyone I didn't know. 

I stood next to the building for about an hour. I was just hiding at the corner in case someone from my company came out. I was so cold. I just stood there, smoked a bit of weed I got for the party to try to escape my mental loops. Around midnight I decided it was stupid to come that late and that I shouldn't have come in the first place. I rode my bike back home, ate McDonald's, played PS5 while getting high. 

My friend asked me how was the party today. I lied saying it was nice to meet new people. I was too ashamed to say I just lost 50$ to stay one hour in the cold alone.

Wtf is wrong with me??