Let me first start this by saying that I'm so sorry for what you are all going through. This shit is real, and everything you feel is valid. You all deserve so much better.

That being said, trigger warning because I really want to vent, and I have nowhere to do so because most people don't understand this shit. This is gonna be long.

Info: I'm American, wife is not. We got married abroad, living in US now. 

First off, I love my wife so much. I don't want to leave her and she is the most incredible woman I have ever met. 

.....on good days.

I'm a non-BPD person that has their own shit in life to deal with. I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict, as well as diagnosed ADHD, which I'm getting treatment/meds for. I was sober for 6 years. What happened? I got married. Lol.

My wife and I were each other's first serious relationship at 17 years old as seniors in high school. It was a whirlwind romance, and she truly taught me what love and romance are. It was the most wonderful relationship I had ever had, and after we broke up (nothing crazy, just teenager stuff), I compared every relationship to her, and nobody could live up to that standard. Looking back, I never saw any symptoms at 17. We got back together in our early 20s, and broke up again after a few months (differing worldviews in college)but remained great friends. Some years and other relationships go by, and we reconnect, find out that we actually DO have the important things in common again, and I decide to lock that shit down and I proposed. I didn't want the love of my life to get away from me again. She said yes, and we were over the moon.

Wedding planning sucked a lot out of us. Looking back, this is where I began to see BPD-ness (we were about 26 at this time), but I wrote everything off as just wedding nerves/bridezilla stuff. We ended up cancelling the huge party and just doing something super small and intimate because it was so stressful, and still maintain that it was the best decision for us. That moment of "Fuck what everyone thinks we SHOULD do for the wedding, lets do what we want!" was so liberating and brought us super close together. I digress.

We just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary this February, and we've gone through some shit since then. Once we got married, it was almost like a switch flipped in her. Early on, she would snap at me for the smallest shit. I noticed that TINY things (hair salon has no appointments for 2 weeks) would send her into a mood that would last all day. She thought I was flirty with the girls at my parent's business when I was not. I could FEEL that I was her whole world, in the unhealthy way, and I couldn't stand it. I could tell she wasn't okay or happy, and I didn't know what the fuck to do. She got blackout drunk one night after we had been married for 4 months and was yelling at me to divorce her because "neither of us are happy". She threw her wedding rings at me sobbing. I put them in my pocket, put her to bed and forgave her the next day. At this time I was still sober, and if everyone I hurt while I was blackout drunk left me, I would have no one. So I forgave her (she was horrified at her behavior the next morning), but to be honest, there was a big shift in me after that night. Not that I didn't love her, I believe that love is a conscious choice. But I felt slapped THE FUCK out of the honeymoon stage. 

Time and ups/downs go by, and we were at dinner (still living in Mexico) deciding what to do in life, when a cartel execution happened a few tables over from us. It was a horrifying experience for us both, but we made it out together, and ironically, that incident brought us closer together. We realized life is too short to fight and bicker over bullshit. We also decided that we didn't want to live in Mexico anymore, so I got relocated to work at a startup in NC, USA. 

Well. The company that relocated me turned out to be fraudulent, and the CEO, my direct boss, was indicted for misappropriation of funds. The SEC got involved, it was a whole ordeal. I resigned, and she was able to find some work with a friend we made in the area while I started a job search. It wasn't much that was brought in, but at least it lessened the amount that my parents were helping us with.  

I think the day that I realized something was REALLY not normal was when she came home sobbing from the DMV because they wouldn't give her a DL because there was a small error on her passport entry stamp that we didn't notice. I had a really stressful day at work, and honestly didn't empathize AT ALL. I was impatient and didn't understand why the fuck she was crying after going to the DMV. Everyone hates the DMV, but what the fuck. You're 27 years old and the DMV made you cry? I expressed this, we fought, and she ended up having a panic attack. I apologized profusely once I realized that something is really not right, and started doing research, and found BPD. 

(Quick note. I didn't armchair diagnose her, but I used to be a Registered Addiction Therapist, and so I had SOME experience in watching for symptoms of deeper issues)

She had expressed that she didn't feel right, and she realized that her reactions were often irrational for the trigger. We had a bottle of wine on one good night when she opened up to me, and I let her know that she might want to look at BPD as a cause. She identified with everything she read, and there was some improvement, but no solid changes were made. 

ANYWAYS. I'm rambling, you all don't need to know our whole marriage timeline. But basically, since then we've moved, I've found great work at a large company. It's WFH and I love my supervisor. I found a great psychiatrist who prescribed me some meds to manage my ADD, because sitting at home on my computer can lead me to a LOT of distraction, and I really want to perform well in this position. My wife and I fought about SOMETHING a few weeks ago, and I suggested she speak with my doctor to vent. I was so proud of her that she did, and she got diagnosed with our three letter best friend. 

To be honest, the diagnosis was a relief to me. It confirmed what I thought, and it helped me be able to separate my wife's outbursts from her character. I know consciously that she is NOT her condition, and that the woman I fell is love with is NOT the same woman that can piss me off to no end on bad days. I know this. I know her parents are to blame for a lot of this, they demanded a lot of perfection/academic performance and she was never good enough. Their marriage sucks, but they stayed together bitter and resentful at each other, and she was their common denominator. I completely understand that no child should have the pressure of keeping their parents together, and I can't imagine what this does to someone. 

But to be honest, I'm fucking tired. I'm worn the fuck out. I feel like I'm giving, giving and giving, and I don't know when it will stop. Since the diagnosis, her symptoms have gotten almost debilitatingly bad, and LITERALLY 10 minutes before her appointment, she had been fine for like 2 weeks and we were golden. But she got diagnosed, and all of a sudden she's having difficulty swallowing and is freaking out that she's going to die. So we drive to the hospital at 1am on a work night (for me), and wait outside until her symptoms calm down. I'm trying my best to be supportive and strong for her during her weakness, but I have my own shit to look out for. 

Yesterday I worked all day, and just wanted to relax. I showered, got all comfy and remembered that I didn't take the trash out to the recycling dump (urban life lol). So I grumbled a bit at my forgetfulness, loaded up my truck (we have one car) and started driving down the road. I noticed the fuel is empty and the light is on. I called my wife and asked how long it had been on. She said I probably wouldn't make it to the gas station. I hung up the phone and just lost it in the car. If anyone's following the news, NC is "out of gas" because of a cyber attack that I told her about THAT MORNING before SHE used the car to run her errands. Once again, I can't do the errand that I want to do because I have to clean up another mess. It's really not a big deal looking back, but it was just the culmination of things. 

I drive back home to get my emergency gas can, which I forgot was empty. I kicked it in the garage (so I'm not angry inside/around her), I put my head in my hands and just breathed. I walked back inside and get greeted with "Why did you waste gas coming back, if you need to go back out?" I shot back "Why the FUCK didn't you fill the fucking car that we SHARE when the light was obviously ON while you were driving it!?" We go back and forth, I walk outside to deal with the situation. I'm learning not to do this for the fear of abandonment thing, but I notice if I don't, I just get madder and madder because it feels like I'm getting nowhere with logic and reason. Again, why does it always fall on ME to do the rational thing and adjust MYSELF for this disease?

As I'm leaving to go get gas, she walks out crying and says her throat is closing up again and she's scared to be alone. So now I can't even fucking extricate myself from the situation to chill out. I'm obviously not telling her "no you can't come with me", so she gets in, and we're quiet the whole time. 

((Okay, here's my venting))

ANYWAYS. We ended up getting gas lol. In retrospect, it wasn't that big of a deal. But I can feel myself just... getting SICK of this.

I know she's dealing with a lot, but guess what, we ALL FUCKING ARE. I'm getting so resentful of this whole situation that I didn't sign up for. I have trauma too, and to be frank, mine is worse than hers (I know it's not a pissing contest). I've been molested, kicked a drug and alcohol problem, I've had a biological father (divorced parents) tell me for YEARS as a kid "I'm coming to pick you up today and we're going to have so much fun!" then no-show (Liar Liar style). I've dealt with feeling like the black sheep in my family AND school because of my ADD. I GREW UP feeling like everyone had it together except me. You want to talk trauma? In third grade I was getting detentions every day for a month because I couldn't stay in my chair and keep quiet. Before my ADD, my parents would tell me sternly "JAKE. If you get a detention today, you're going to get a spanking with the belt" (Regardless of your views on this, my parents always disciplined with love. I only got spanked with the belt for outright defiance). I'd try my fucking HARDEST to not get in trouble, but sure as shit, I got detention. I got smacked daily for like 2 weeks because my parents thought I was being defiant. It literally got to the point where my dad told my mom "I can't hit him anymore, it's not working, and I hate it". They took me to a psychiatrist and I got diagnosed ADD. They sobbed and begged me to forgive them because they realized I couldn't help it. I love my family, we're totally fine now. 

All that to say... I'm tired of being he adult in the room. We all have trauma and its our responsibility to either grow from it, or be consumed by it. I went through a lot of shit that manifested itself into drug and alcohol abuse and promiscuity in my late teen/early 20s. I've totaled 3 cars driving drunk. I've been locked in the drunk tank in fucking Mexico. I'm just SO. TIRED. of feeling like I'M the one holding it together. I'm so happy she's getting help, but holy shit. I feel like I'm carrying us financially, emotionally, physically, and every other way you can think of. This morning she was crying and apologized about the whole car/gas bullshit yesterday, and I'm just tired and unaffected by it now. I tell her it's fine, I know she's dealing with a lot, take all the time you need, etc. but fuck man. 

I'm so tired of the cycles, I'm tired of the tears the day afterwards, and sincere apologies, then the repeating of the toxic behavior the next day. I'm tired of the mood spirals from the smallest inconvenience, I'm tired of feeling TRAPPED. I'm tired of being responsible for a nearly 30 year old that is completely a slave to emotion. She wants kids someday, but to be honest, I'm terrified to have kids with my wife. I was out of the house one day for a meeting and she left a cast iron pan on the stove, which started a grease fire. Instead of putting a pan over it, she knocked the pan into the fucking hardwood floor, picked it up BARE HANDED, and threw it in the sink. There goes my security deposit and hello doctors bill for a severe burn. What the fuck is going to be next? I'm tired of feeling a knot in my stomach when she leaves the house, because what the fuck is going to happen next, when I'm not with her to be the adult. 

Yesterday after the whole gas incident, she came home, took her meds and an Ativan, and passed out all night. I'm out of weed (because she smoked it during her panic episode), so I took a shot to just calm the fuck down. I haven't been sober for about 2 years now, but yesterday was the first time that I consciously drank because I was angry and needed to just force my body to relax. I don't want to go down this path again, but I can feel it starting. If I get back into my alcoholism, I WILL lose myself, and I can't do that. I'm just so tired and discouraged. I would LOVE to freak out, cry, scream and have episodes, but if *I* do that shit, then REAL consequences happen like bills don't get paid. I'm just so tired. 

I know she feels it too. She tells me that I can leave, she'll understand, that I don't deserve this, that she wants me to be happy. And it tears me up. I don't want to leave. I tell her this repeatedly and stroke her hair while she sobs into my shoulder. I tell her we're not even close to that point, but internally, I'm not so sure. I don't want anyone else. *She* makes me happy. She keeps a clean house and brings me meals while I'm working, I love that shit. I want my fucking wife back, and I want to just have a normal week. Just ONE. FUCKING. NORMAL. WEEK. 

If you've made it this far, I salute you. Really. Just the fact that someone took the time to read my bullshit means so much. We're alone out here in NC, all our immediate family is either in California or Mexico, so I don't get a lot of outlets. If anyone has any advice or whatever, I'd appreciate it. So damn much. 

Good luck to all of you. Please get the help you need.