I know what I need to do is see a psychiatrist because no one here can diagnose me, but I guess I’m wondering if my specific situation sounds familiar to anyone here.

I’ve led a very troubled life. I’m a lifelong depression and anxiety sufferer who has spent most of their adulthood on various SSRIs. I’ve had abusive partners and a complicated relationship with my family due to cultural differences, but my main issues have been with substances. I’ve abused nearly every drug you can abuse and spent a number of years addicted to heroin and meth - mostly heroin. I had zero self-preservation skills in my twenties. I’ve had multiple overdoses, twice leading to psych ward stays. I’ve been clean for some time and rarely do drugs now. They’re not interesting to me anymore and it’s not hard to abstain when even a few drinks these days makes me feel awful. 

One of my parents is a respected mental health specialist. They mean well but they’re also shady - when I was 20 they gave me hundreds of Xanax and I got addicted. They’ve given me various SSRIs over the years, all of which have messed me up. If they cared about how suicidal these meds made me they didn’t show it, and seeing their impassive reaction made me feel like a guinea pig. During my childhood they also used to occasionally act as my doctor and perform invasive physical exams. Still, they’re the chill parent, my other parent is your typical controlling, manipulative asian tiger parent, putting down my looks and abilities constantly ie abusive by western standards. I know they both love me though and have done what they’ve been taught is best. 

When I was 17 I was crying after a fight with my parents - they said I wasn’t allowed to have any contact with my relatives’ ex despite their relatively amicable breakup, because as an ex she was no longer part of the family (my culture sees family as everything and anyone outside family as not that important). As a teenager I was mad about my parents being controlling, hence the crying. My parent responded by telling me I have BPD and would be messed up for life, that I’d be in and out of hospital if it weren’t for their care and support. They didn’t explain what BPD was and it was never brought up again. 

Well, true to what they said, I’ve spent my adulthood pretty messed up. But I kind of feel like anyone in my shoes would be messed up. I had an extreme upbringing and have spent my adulthood with various illnesses and in constant physical pain. I strongly suspect a lot of my illnesses, especially the ones with an autoimmune component, have roots in my stressful, high-pressure childhood. I wish I could just get over my childhood - I’m going hard at it with therapy. The most dysfunctional points in my life have been due to factors like being suicidal on the pill, being suicidal on various SSRIs, and being suicidal and self-destructive while off my head on drugs. Without drugs, without the wrong meds, and during periods of good health, life is stable and good. Pity that hasn’t happened often. I was insanely high achieving growing up (failure wasn’t an option) but now I’m a penniless failure who can barely function, who isn’t good at anything except artistic stuff. My formulative years were spent chronically ill and I wasn’t able to hold down a steady job. I achieved a lot creatively though, but obviously that hasn’t amounted to money or stability. 

My parent offhandedly mentioning that I have BPD has never left me. A psychiatrist who assessed me in hospital rejected the BPD label. “Do you have intense rages?” “Do you fear abandonment?” Because my answer to both these questions was no, he said I definitely don’t have BPD. 

I rarely get angry. When I do I can easily hide or bury it. I don’t like imposing my bad feels on others. I punish myself, not others. I’m sad, not mad. I forgive easily. Rather than fearing abandonment, because I spent my childhood with my parents breathing down my neck, I  crave space. My friendships have been pretty stable and as a result, I’ve maintained my friendships for many years. People always tell me how chill I am. Despite shitty self esteem, I know who I am and where I stand. My friends laugh at me often because they know I won’t take it seriously and get offended. I’m kind of intense though, in that I talk fast and like to talk about big topics as soon as I feel comfortable with people. My partners tell me they appreciate my lack of jealousy and my independence. My depression always ends my relationships though -  I become too dysfunctional to maintain a relationship or I worry my partners too much by being depressed, sick, and self-destructive. My breakups are always heartbreaking because my partners feel awful breaking up with a kind but troubled person. 

I don’t experience splitting or extreme mood swings. I’m just a perma-tired depressive who cries all the time. Once I start I can’t stop. Events like breakups will disable me. I’ll cry for 24 hours straight and need to take time off work. At weddings I’ll be rendered sobbing from the pathos. 

But apart from the agreeableness, lack of anger, no fear of abandonment, relatively stable self image, no extreme mood swings or splitting etc, I fit every other aspect of the BPD criteria, in terms of being suicidally depressed and self-destructive. I guess I fit the classic harmful stereotype of a BPD woman that gets thrown around in popular culture - the kooky, self-destructive, substance-abusing, promiscuous woman living an “alternative lifestyle” with lots of romantic relationships, an intense personality, deeply depressed and troubled, etc etc. 

A few of my friends have told me “it’s not you who has to change, it’s society”. But I sometimes don’t buy that I’m merely depressed and anxious. I have many friends with disorders like BPD, bipolar etc. I’ve seen them come a long way after receiving the right help.


