 

I have been dealing with depression for the past 3 years or so. Every single time I have a week or few weeks that go well, I think I have finally beat it, but it always comes back. I feel like this time though, it is significantly worse. I am getting suicidal thoughts again and I know for sure I would not act on them, but in my head they are very easy to rationalize now. I was doing very well for a few months. I stopped speaking with my therapist because there was nothing to really talk about. I started working a week ago and that is when things became bad again.

Prior to that, I only did side jobs mostly and made pretty much what I needed to get by in school. Now that I am getting older, though I am only 19, I need to start saving for other stuff as well as school. I took up a part time job at a subway type restaurant. It is easy work but it makes me feel very depressed. I think a large part of it is how much time I have to put in to receive very little pay on top of already losing pretty much half of my free time plus all the energy it takes to do the job. I don't know if I should look for other work or just stick through it. I feel like no matter where I go I will feel like this. What makes everything worse is I feel like I will feel like this for the rest of my life.

I feel like life is not for me. The most harrowing thing was what happened this weekend. I was in the er for something that could've been life threatening. I would have needed surgery if I had what the doctors suspected I had. A BIG part of me hoped I had it, despite there being a pretty high chance of me dying on top of the huge medical costs. It was not because the thought of death was appealing, it was more so because I knew I would be given a break with zero responsibilities. When I learned I was fine, I was relieved but also disappointed. I probably sound very privileged, but those were my honest thoughts.

I have felt this way every single time I have worked some minimum wage job, but I do not have many other options. Is it worth looking around for a different job? I have never tried retail so that is really the only hope I have, but I don't even know if that will be much better. Part of me is losing hope on life as well. It just doesn't seem that interesting to me. I have interests and things I want to pursue but it's hard for me to look at a 20-40 hour work week and see that genuinely as okay. A big part of me would honestly rather be dead.

It was easy to find hope before. I was unemployed, broke, out of school, wasn't pursuing hobbies or seeing friends. I thought that once I got my life in order, I would be fine. Now I am working, on medication, back in school, have hobbies, dreams, etc. but life still doesn't interest me. If I'm being honest, if my loved ones didn't care if I was to die, I probably would kill myself.