I’m undiagnosed. Paid £400 for a private appointment with a consultant psychiatrist a few days ago and at the end of it he told me I’d need to pay more money for another assessment with someone else - they just ripped me off. 

Whatever is going on with me I can’t deal with it anymore. I used to only feel suicidal when something had triggered me and now I think about it all the time. I saw my family yesterday and came home wanting to end it all because I felt such a strong sense of disassociation. I just couldn’t enjoy myself - it was like I was watching it all happen to me instead of experiencing it and there was a little voice saying “you’re not happy - you’ll be hysterically crying soon enough - these people don’t care”. 

I would so much rather just not exist. The only reason I’m still here is because I’m scared of death being painful and I’m scared of being unsuccessful and then being sectioned for it. 

My boyfriend is in another room and is ignoring me and I’m in so much emotional pain right now. I’ve told him how I feel and he’s refusing to help.