As one of the biggest things I struggle with my BPD, needing consistent reassurance has become one of my most shameful traits. 

It usually starts with a small, anecdotal intrusive thought; “He doesn’t want to date you anymore” or “You get that kind of negative attention from men because you WANT them to look at you that way.” At first, I’m able to brush it off. It’s so illogical, of course it’s not true… right? It starts to slowly repeat in your head, each time growing just a little bit more. At this point, it’s taken over your brain, and you can hardly focus on anything else. It’s a one track thought, plowing through your consciousness like a steam engine with no brakes. 

You eventually are struggling with it so much that you can no longer tell if you are of sane mind , and -need- another person to tell you it’s okay. You NEED them to tell you you’re wrong, because you yourself can no longer differentiate between what’s a realistic thought process and what’s not. They of course are able to set the record straight for you, but at what cost? 

This is the point where I usually enter the Reassurance Paradox: You need reassurance about needing reassurance; just the act of turning to someone for help with your intrusive thoughts causes another downward spiral of self-doubt and panic, which you then also need reassurance about and so on and so forth. It’s entrapping, a cruel, inescapable rabbit hole filled with only your own self-loathing and anxieties.

I’ve yet to figure out how to escape these; The only plausible thing I’ve found to subdue it is isolation and letting it die on its own… however long that may take. If you actually read this post in its entirety, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this :)