I meet my ex girlfriend with bpd at work. We clicked    immediately and started fooling around. It all went a bit to fast in my opinion but she moved in with me after a month. She mentioned that i was her fp and we spent almost every waking moment together. It was great for a moment. I loved all the attention, sex, everything. But then i started to get a bit tired. I needed some alone time and that’s where it all spiralled out of controll. She couldn’t handle it and got immensley depressed because of it and tried to kill herself on three occasions. I tried to assure her that i loved her but it all got to much in the end. I was overwhelmed and ended it. She ended up in a psych ward and is now doing okay. I went no contact for a time. But i still loved her, but i needed to distance myself from it all. And it aches my heart that i just didn’t power through it and be there for her. But i didn’t know how to handle it all.

Just a few days ago i contacted her again to see how she was doing and all was good. Well, the actual reason was because i still loved her, a lot. I had been angry at my self and that i just didn’t follow through with it all and i told this to her. She said that she doen’t feel anything anymore. Sometimes she says she’s afraid it’ll be like last time. But she switches between the two. She then says she want me to move in and be together, and then she wants us to take it slow. I’ve asked her to be spesific but she just can’t. But i’ve been going with it, because i do really love her. 

But somethings different this time, she doesnt make any time for me and if she does, she’s on her phone talking with friends. She’s out for hours on end, just driving with her friend and random dudes she just added on snapchat. I’m lucky if i get to spend 1 hour with her alone without distractions and it’s killing me. I’ve never seen this side of her, it’s almost like she’s menia. I’m not a jealous guy, but now i guess i am and i don’t know if im in the right for it. 

I’ve tried to ask her to hangout but she likes her friend and random dudes more i guess. But i’m okay with it as long as there might be a chance that we might get back together. But i’m confused to why she does this, i need some input i guess.

You know just as i am reading this through it looks bad for me. But maybe i need others to tell me that. Mandatory sorry for the broken english. It’s not my first language.