So my boyfriend and I have been having some issues with our sex life for a while. The main issue being me and my stupid triggers.

There is just something in my brain that gets insanely triggered when I try to let him touch me, and I honestly have no idea why. We're both gay trans men and have been together for two years, and I used to enjoy sex and particularly bottoming, but it's like for the past year or so, whenever he tries to touch me or initiate I just get so grossed out. There's something about it that makes me want to jump out of my skin and I feel disgusting and wrong and used. It's this almost "impending doom" feeling. I don't even know what it comes from. It's not that I'm not attracted to him or that he's not respectful of me, because when *I* initiate or when *I* top it's completely fine and that's where most of my arousal seems to come from nowadays. But then my BPD gets triggered because I'm *not* the bottom, and it makes me feel unwanted, because in my head I feel like I can only be desirable as a bottom. It's like I can't make up my mind. I just want to enjoy doing both again. It upsets him too at times, and he's said he feels like he can't even touch his own boyfriend anymore.

Is this just me? Is it just my dysphoria or something, or is this a BPD thing?