The last 4 months were absolutely horrible for me. I always think about my health, every bit of pain makes me feel like i am dying and every time i feel depressed/anxious i feel like i have a even more serious mental disorder. 

Life, or basically everything positive starts feeling so unrealistic, fake and pointless. I get very insecure, sometimes even paranoid, so i feel like my whole life is just imagination. I feel like having conspiracy theories about myself and i am afraid i cant see the difference between my thoughts and reality at some point. 

I just feel like i can't be helped, that i have to live with these mental breakdowns every day for my entire life. My life gets totally controlled from my anxiety, i cant even play games or watch movies anymore because it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I cant sleep at night since everything i've done that day stays in my head and i cant stop feeling bad and thinking about it. 

And now even when i don't have bad anxiety i start to think that feeling positive is not normal. It feels like my brain does everything to make me stay depressed and anxious and well... it works. I dont know what to do anymore, everything i try to reduce my anxiety does make it even worse or id it helps, i get anxious or insecure about something different.

Is anybody feeling similar and/or has some advices on what to do? I really feel hopeless at this point.