I always knew that there were something fundamentally wrong with me. I never respected myself and possibly never will. Even if my mother had best intentions in mind she still make my self-worth negative, with hypocrisy she called questions of *little fucking child* stupid and don't even explained what I did wrong. I am now always blame myself for every bad thing happening around me, I hate and  curse every waking moment when I have the time to think. I venting in the form of very toxic humour to myself and others, using the same words that my mother used and belittling them for ordinary questions.  
Then hate myself for it, hate every second of it but unable to stop. Because without that mask my worth not even a little bit below dirt, it is true zero. I am utterly wortheless without any of this poison with which I was raised.  
I want a single ray of light but only thing that I could find is even darker void