 And I try explaining myself, I'm not addicted to substances; this is just my self-harm coping mechanism. I self harm too much, that's the fucking issue; not the drugs. Some might cut themselves, I do dangerous combinations and lethal doses to OD on purpose and be on the verge of death.

I can't cope with BPD or major depression, or the psychosis that come with both. I'm a male past 25, no one gives a fuck about my feelings, I'm a failure according to society," for not "being able to cope". Gotta keep using and gotta keep harming myself at the same time. I'm not gangsta boy either, I graduated from college and I got a "distinguishing career", started working since I was 18. I was below manager-rank at 23. The woman I madly love saw me last year and she simply said my behaviour was despicable and toxic. She doesn't even want to be my friend. We were best friends in our pre-teen and teen years. I've tried writing her up twice ever since and she just ignores me. She's way past my league, too beautiful and she knows it. Tons of men behind her back. And it fucking hurts a lot. Gotta numb it. And still people tell me I look and dress very handsome and I think they are insulting me. This same woman said I turned up handsome (I do sports despite drug use). And it's a fucking insult.

But the progression of mental illness has totally derailed my career, I am now 26. Almost 27. Feeling like I will get fired. There are days I don't work because I can't get out of bed, it's not exageration, I'm feeling too much pain to fucking stand up. And this is why I hate psychiatrists, therapists or however you want to call them. They can contemplate on this, but it's not the same to contemplate being crazy vs. actually experiencing this madness. As closer to crazy you can get without losing your cognitive abilities.