I was diagnosed last year with BPD &amp; CPTSD, previously severe depression &amp; generalize anxiety. I was actually happy with my recent diagnosis because I finally a "click", what the doctor described sounded extremely similar to my situation. Except of fear of abandonment, I prefer to push anyone who tries to get close to me away. 

In my relationship, it has been one hell of a rocky 3 years. I've consistently broken up with my significant other (literally every single week) and then come down and try to work it out. I can't shake the feeling that I'm not meant to be with another person. Barely keeping my own shit together mentally and I don't want to have someone else who requires compassion and support that I can't provide. 

I can't muster empathy anymore. I'm so wrapped up in my head and everything that is even slightly critical (even when it isn't directed at me) I take as a personal attack. My only way to handle this is block it out or blurt out half thought through solutions because if my significant other is going to express criticism, there better be a course of action. On top of that I don't express anything, my needs, my desires, my emotions, dreams, thoughts, nada. When I do, its shoved in my face, its shot down and I'm told I'm wrong. 

Anything, any advice, any self help guides, anything. I am at the end of my rope. I'm not going to write down my feelings and rip it up. I'll just feel bad and left with a mess. 

I haven't started therapy again. Especially now with covid19 (ps- hope everyone is safe) I can't get through to DBT therapists in my area (literally called, emailed, texted and nothing).