Looking back at my life I can tell that I had been depressed, anxious, had bpd symptoms and bipolar symptoms my whole life.  It started forming when I was growing up.  Ironically, I had the idyllic childhood.  father was in the Airforce and I got to travel everywhere.  Sadly, without knowing it this prevented me from being able to trust someone or make a real friend.  Everyone was basically a passing acquaintance.  This was something I didn't realize until later in life.  

When I was 17 we made our final move.  I met a couple people and we became best friends.  It was pretty magical for me as this was the first time I was able to put myself out there without worrying about losing these people in two or three years.  Two years in my friends and I were inseparable.  We did everything together.  One of them was even closer to me then my brother was.  There was no romances, at least from what I could tell, she had a boyfriend, I knew him, respected his rights as his gf and was happy to count her as a friend.  If her bf didn't know where she was he knew she was with me.  Nothing weird ever happened.  We never hid anything, he knew where we would be if he needed to get into contact with her.  You get it.

One day she vanished, might have been an original ghosting.  It was way back in the day.  It was without warning, nothing there.   As a matter of fact, the night before we had made some plans to do something in a few days.  She didn't move, she just quit talking to me.  There was one thing that always comes to mind but confuses me though.  We went to a concert a few days earlier and I asked if I could bring my present gf with me and she agreed.  We went to the concert but it didn't feel right.  Don't get me wrong, it was a good time but for some reason I was anxious.  We had always gone to concerts alone before but I did ask permission.

I never did find out why she left.  It devastated me.  The first person I had truly trusted outside of my family, someone who was closer to a sister vanished.  I knew where she lived and asked her mom what was up.  Her mom just told me more or less she was sorry.  That was the point that all the small things in my life finally connected and that point right there was where my bpd surfaced.  It was small things at first and then it blew up over time.  

Jump forward many many years.  My mom told me that I needed help.  She couldn't put her hands on it but over the years something had changed in me.  Fair warning - if your mom tells you something is wrong and you come from a loving family you listen.  

A few years later I had a student and my mom die within two days, which pushed me into depression a lot more.  I still haven't truly grieved her even 5 years later.  I will one day.  That just added more fuel to the fire.  That year I lost my three dogs as well.  This was one month later.  Someone poisoned them and they didn't recover.  That started my freefall into the abyss.  I started acting out and just made everyone's lives miserable.

April of 2019 everything started spiraling down.  My mom loved easter time and we always had a garage sale that she and my dad would come to.  It lasted three days and was really a family gathering event.  On top of that the student that had died the same time as her would come and help us with his family.  It really was a big neighborhood yard sale.

After many years of doing what I call stupid shit it culminated exactly three years ago today.  I finally decided to take my moms advice - right around two years after she passed.  After I talked to a psychologist - best move I ever did.  I had a pretty large nervous breakdown.  I ended up in the hospital and then in an overnight.  I was given the choice of either doing that or they would 3 day me.  I took the overnight.  I was prescribed Zoloft and this started me on my way to my path of the attempt at living a better life.  It was this time my wife and I separated and it has now been three years.  We actually make better friends and it is something that will be.  I was a jerk to her often but she gave as well as she took.  I would say I was the major bad guy in the relationship but she wasn't innocent.  Our last argument pretty much shoot the earth.  It wasn't physical or mental, it was just screaming about how shitty we both were and that we were both at fault.

I was diagnosed as being depressed and as having anxiety.  My wife said she would be there but as you know, words are awesome.  Actions speak louder.  She has tried but it is not easy to put up with me, this isn't being self hating or anything.  I am honestly difficult to put up with at times.  You guys know it.  I have a very limited filter and say what's on my mind.  That's just how it is.  I do not spout nonsense but I am not always nice.

Ironically, June 6th was the day I was going to drive off the pch highway at sunset and crash into the ocean.  I wouldn't leave a note or anything.  Just vanish off the face of the earth.  While I was in the overnight I suddenly realized that I was being stupid.  I had kids and a dad that needed me.  SO, instead of offing myself in the ideology hoovers from a .25 to a 1 on any given day.  I wouldn't do it, it is always just there.

June 6th.  The day I was supposed to be sleeping with the fishes came and I checked into Loma Linda's mental health facility for an outpatient dbt treatment.  It was an eight hour a day, intensive dbt training.  The first 4 hours were classes and the last 4 hours were group.  This treatment is not a joke, you are mentally exhausted, want to quit constantly and you can tell you are getting better as you go on.  You make good friends that help you on your way and it really is a live saving situation.  If you get the chance to do it do it.  You will be able to notice a major change in your life and if you follow the lessons you learn you will go far.  Something in the class will resonate with you and give you at least one tool to help you move along.  

It was also at this time I was diagnosed with Insomnia (this is very important to get checked if you don't sleep as it will really take a toll on your mental health).  Clinical Depression, Generalized Anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder.  At first I was like ummm, no.  The longer I was in my outpatient the more I realized oh crap.  I was there for eight weeks.  During that time I found that I was able to use the tools I was given and am able to function pretty decently.  Just not around strangers.  I can't work anymore because of mental issues but I can live with that as well.  When my class finished my therapists and teachers said we know more about dbt then most of the people on the planet and will know just as much as your therapist.  

I found a great psychiatrist and therapist right off the bat.  I was looking for something specific and when I interviewed them they checked off all of what I wanted.  Three years later I still have both.  About a year ago I was also diagnosed with Bipolar 2.  Thinking back it was another ah ha moment.  I would have these phases every so often that would last for a while and it was the biggest emotional high.  I am in one right now, so this is why you all get a book.  Regardless, the Zoloft, lamotrigine and trazadone as well as my therapy has kept me going.  I can function right now without doing stupid stuff for the most part and am actually ok to be around.  I can see where I did my stupid stuff and have learned from it.

Jump forward until today and it has been an interesting journey.  I see bpd as a blessing and a curse,  I can tell pretty much instantly how someone is feeling.  I don't cause them to feel this way, they just do.    I have always been good at this, now I'm scary good.  I can keep myself calm.  When I want to do something stupid I do it in my head.  It works well.  My emotions are pretty blunted by the drugs which is cool with me.  It keeps me level.  I am being taken off my Zoloft slowly which I call a win.  I will just be on the Bipolar meds and the Sleeping meds.  I do have down days.  I didn't get up until 10am today and the only reason I did was because I forced myself to do the opposite of what I wanted to do.

I can be pretty harsh some times.  Dbt causes people to be harsh in their truths.  I will never apologize for my actions unless I ever screw up or type at 1am.  Remember - Never type after you have taken your drugs for the nights.  I will not sugar coat issues.  I will not always be on the writers side.  I will not pull punches.  Bpd is something that needs to be hit head on.  You don't beat around the bush with it,  If you do something off I will call you out on it.  If I do something stupid, feel free to call me out.  This is how you need to do it as bpd is insidious.  I know how easy it would be to just let go and not worry about the fallout.  It is something you work on every day.  It will never get better.  It does get easier to manage.  

This story is the effect of Bpd and bipolar 2 with a touch of a manic episode as well as just pondering my last three years,

You all take care, remember there are people out there like you and you do not have to do this alone!  No matter how messed up we think we are.