Trigger warning I’m gonna mention acts of extreme self harm

I got out of a two week long manic episode around a week ago and looking back and reading my journal entries from that time is quite scary. The whole time it felt like I was forced backseat while a whole different person took hold of my body, and the scariest part is that I thought I was finally real when I was manic. I was under the impression that I was the real one and that I saw the truth of myself and the world. The real me was a violent erratic being and I just got sent into the rabbit hole. Beating myself with a belt til I was black and blue with welts, I fucking fried my shoulder and the skin melted off and it’s charred and totally numb. I forced myself to not make any grimaces of pain while burning because I believed that if I was able to get over the fear of pain I would become invincible and nothing would ever hurt or kill me because I would be enlightened by god himself. I’ve had delusions of rebirth by god, that he was going to give me a new body and I would suddenly have a holy and pure life, those caused me to go ham with a blade and almost starve myself to fucking death because I believed it was gods will for me to be able to be reborn. Now that I’m out and see clearly (funny how I thought I only saw clearly while manic) it’s fucking scary. I was so aggressive to everyone around me and I had to hold myself back from screaming or launching myself at them constantly, even for no fucking reason. My regular self is pretty laid back and I never get angry so it was a stark difference so much so that my therapist brought up DID and was asking me questions related to those symptoms. I just never thought that I would be bipolar, and I certainly didn’t think I would take it this far. Just wanted to get this out, it’s been a lot to take in and the reality of my actions are hitting me right now.