On top of the  Covid anxiety everyone has, I'm going through a divorce with an ex who has Borderline Personality Disorder and really put me through the wringer when we were together.  I no longer have the control over my emotions after ten years of being crushed that I did when I was younger.  

The house we owned together burned down during the winter.  Before that I was practically no contact but the fire put an end to that. 

Now whenever anything comes up about the fire or divorce I end up having anxiety attacks.  And stuff comes up frequently, to the point I now only turn my email on once or twice a day to get through it in solid chunks.

The fire insurance is almost settled which means lots of daily emails (including arguments with my ex via email) and then brings on the divorce stuff again.  I have a 90 minute call with my lawyers scheduled for tomorrow morning.  And I can't get ahold of myself today.  I'm took my lunch outside in the sun reading, did a little walk, done progressive relaxation, deep breathing, etc and I can't get my stomach to unknot.  I have work to do.  I feel like I might vomit.

Laying in bed now writing this as maybe just venting will help some.  Then maybe trying a 10 minute yoga video.

I started the process for a government funded CBT program last fall and it still hasn't even done the second intake call.  Today is the earliest day they would have contacted me, with the window open for another 6 weeks.  I have a therapist but my insurance only covers 3.8 sessions and I think I'm already at 3 for the year, so have to start paying out of pocket.  And at this point I don't really know what I'd gain from an intermittent session - I know the triggers, I know why they trigger me, we've went over exercises, and he's the one who recommended me for the CBT program.  He's suggested I apply to a spousal abuse program for talk therapy while waiting for the CBT program to start bit that's getting to be too much, I don't want to end up in two programs at once, let alone the hassle of another application process, which I don't even know if I'd be accepted too.


I had a run of a month of decent sleep, the best I've had in at least a decade, but the last two weeks, as stuff comes to a head, my sleep has been shattered, and, I don't know if it is related or not, but my body has been feeling rough - aches and pains everywhere.

I live alone, no girlfriend, and my area is under a stay at home order for Covid.  Isolation is getting to me as well, which is not helping the situation.  I'm going to a friends place for a day on the weekend (allowed because I live alone) but it's been more than two weeks since I was with another person socially, and that had its own issues/stresses as it was mutual friend helping out with something divorce related.


I have some clonazepam but it's a limited supply with no refills so I try to avoid using it as much as possible, and with the lawyer call tomorrow I'll probably need it then.

I just wish all this shit was over and I was happy and healthy and not lonely.