Hello Reddit. I posted about my dilemma recently but received some harsh comments related to another post, so I deleted the post. Let me start off by saying that I'm \*absolutely\* devastated, in a dark place, mentally, and would really request you all to please be kind. Please, understand that it has taken me a great deal of courage to even post this, so once again, I'd request your kindness. The reason I'm turning to Reddit is that I'm too embarrassed to talk about this with my family and friends.

**A little bit about me:** I don't know how to describe myself without coming across as an awful, narcissistic person. But I can assure you that whatever I'm posting here is 100% correct information. I have no real reason to lie about myself, and I want actual advice as I'm going through what feels like grief, and total devastation. I'm a woman in her mid-20s, with a fairly successful career I've worked quite hard for. I carry a lot of trauma from my childhood and an abusive relationship, so I suffer from self-esteem issues and anxiety. Which is weird considering that most people find me to be quite confident (I put up a decent front, I reckon). Because of my past relationship experience, I'm quite wary of men in general. I also suffer from intimacy issues (related to childhood trauma) and knowing how men perceive me, physically, has been a major contributor to me not wanting to casually date. This is something I've been working on in therapy, but it takes time.

**The story:** I want to be as honest as possible without giving my identity away. Last summer, during the lockdown, I was having severe anxiety issues. I split my time between two countries, working and studying. I don't use dating apps and was feeling increasingly disconnected from everyone and for some reason, installed Reddit on my phone. I posted to the app looking for people to chat with. Now, I'm the sort of person who usually doesn't spend much time online, and believe it or not, it was my first time on Reddit! Anyway, my post attracted hundreds of messages from strangers, and of course, in a dick move, I completely ignored most messages. Except for one chat with an interesting stranger. Within a few hours, we exchanged numbers and moved to IM. This man turned out to be working in the military (not a scammer, but wait), and we actually ended up having so much in common. I know this sounds crazy, but we felt like we'd known each other for years, in a very platonic way. It was an instant connection, which is quite rare for me as I'm quite picky, and given my history, have a disturbing habit of rejecting everyone who shows any romantic interest in me. I thought he was the most compassionate man I'd ever met. While I was talking to him, my ex was relentlessly trying to creep back into my life, and this was starting to distress me. So I turned to my unexpected friend for comfort. Within a month and a thousand conversations later, we fell madly in love with each other, he confessed first. When I say madly, I mean, we started looking at flights and planning our future together. He said he'd been looking for me his entire life, and he couldn't believe we'd found each other the way we did. We were extremely open and intimate with each other, and I really thought he was the sweetest man I'd ever spoken to. I travel around the world often due to work and I never felt this...pull with anyone else before, so I knew I was in deep trouble. I knew he'd be away on deployment often, we discussed this wouldn't be an issue as we'd just continue the relationship long-distance every time he had to be away. We decided that we'd get together officially once he returned home from his deployment.

Anyway, four months later, he started talking about how the distance was bothering him. He couldn't travel as he was deployed but asked me to come to see him. Before I could start booking flights, he started acting aloof. When I questioned him, he said that work was busier than usual, but that he loved me endlessly and wanted me around as I was the most important person in his life. I explored the idea of a break a few times, but every time I did, he would just pull me back and convince me that we were okay. A few weeks ago, he abruptly stopped talking to me and said that we are star-crossed. His career is a major road-block and it's not fair to me. That was the first time I ever doubted him, and I asked him if there was someone else. He promised he was being completely honest with me, but I wasn't going to be fooled. He cried and said that he'd always love me, and we'll get together forever in a few years. His decision made no sense as there was no sudden change in his career. I wasn't going to let this man involve me in such an emotional and intense relationship and leave without a logical explanation. My job makes it quite easy to find info on people and even though he'd done a fantastic job hiding on social media, I found him. And his girlfriend. My heart dropped.

The pictures on the profile were 3, 4 years old, so I was praying that it was just an ex. He'd told me about every relationship he's ever had, except, you know, **his current girlfriend of 5 years.** He finally came clean a few days ago. They live together, and she found my pictures on their Google drive. This happened 3 months ago. And despite her finding out and confronting him, he continued to be with me. Continued to make future plans with me for months. He called me and said he's an awful, selfish man and he really did love me, but that he chose his girlfriend in the end. I asked him why he played me, that if companionship is what he wanted, we could've just been friends. He said that he thought I was his soulmate, and wanted to leave his long-term girlfriend for me, and almost did leave her. He said that she was emotionally distant and never gave him time or love, and they had a lot of emotional intimacy issues. He said that even though he chose her, he didn't want to lose me and felt deeply connected to me, and that is why he kept talking to me.

He messaged me yesterday saying that he'll always love me, but he wants to grow old with her and never let her go and fell back in love with her while still being in love with me. He said that he struggled to make this decision forever, and asked various people what he should do because he's found the perfect woman and his soulmate. I am devastated. Not because I want him to choose me, but because he used me to get whatever he was lacking in his relationship, and continued to string me along. I really think he's the worst person I've ever met, and I am completely, utterly, humiliated and disturbed. I feel emotionally and sexually violated. The fact that he reduced me to an option at the end. Of course, my heart hurts for her. But he's still the winner here. I'm the one who has to live with extreme trust issues now. Also, 2 weeks after ending things, he video called me and said that he still loved me and always will. He was drunk.

Help. He says he's now told her that he really did love me and that he may lose her forever, but I don't trust him. My heart hurts. If I'm so perfect and his soulmate, why did he hurt me and why did he choose her? What do I do?

P.S. Sorry if this is the wrong subreddit, I’m just in a bad place