# DEAR MAN: Getting What You Want from Another Person

Often times people with BPD have trouble communicating their wants and needs, or saying no. DEAR MAN is a very effective way of communication for the following: Getting another person to do something you want that person to do, saying no to an unwanted or unreasonable reasonable request, resolving a interpersonal conflict, getting your opinion or point of view taken seriously, or obtaining your legitimate rights.

**(D)ESCRIBE:** Describe the situation in nonjudgmental, descriptive language. Stick to the facts.

* "Last night you told me you would let me know when you got home safely but you did not text me."

**(E)XPRESS:** Share your opinions and feelings about the situation. Don't assume the other person knows what you are feeling.

* "When you don't text me to let me know you've gotten home safely, I start to worry about you."

**(A)SSERT:** Ask clearly for what you want or need, say no, or set your boundary. This step is essential. Don't assume that others know what you want or need.

* "I would really appreciate it if in the future, you would text me when you get home safely."

**(R)EINFORCE:** Let others know what's in it for them. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need. Avoid ultimatums. Remember to also reward desired behavior after the fact.

* I would be so relieved, and I'm sure a lot less of a pain to deal with, if you do that."

**(M)INDFUL:** Stay focused on your objective. Maintain your position. Don't get off topic or sidetracked. If the other person responds by making attacks, ignore them and just keep making your point.

* "I would still really appreciate a text."

**(A)PPEAR CONFIDENT:** Appear effective, competent, and confident, even if you do not feel so. Use a confident tone, posture, and overall body language. Make eye contact. Practice your DEAR MAN if possible beforehand so you feel more confident in the actual situation.

**(N)EGOTIATE:** Be willing to reach a compromise. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Meet in the middle.

* "How about if I send you a text first asking if you've gotten home safely? That way you don't have to worry about remembering to text me when you've gotten home."
* "What do you think we should do? I can't just stop worrying about you."

Parts taken from *DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets* by Marsha Linehan. If addition to DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST are also very helpful skills to use alongside DEAR MAN in order to maintain the relationship and/or your self-respect. Let me know if you'd like me to make a post on those as well!