i split and run away, and i am extremely avoidant and just shut down. and when my partner (rightfully so) reacts angrily or with hurt, i rage and say the most evil, fucked up things. im sure you all know what i mean. say i want to break up (all the time) and am just all around hurtful and view my partner as terrible despite the fact that he is really not to me otherwise. he really tries his best and i have hurt him so deeply.

i also struggle to apologize when i realize (after hours of days of recalling or rereading messages). 

i dont want to hurt him anymore and i want to do better at remembering how great and loving he is to me and be better to him but i cannot be in therapy right now unfortunately.

i have read about BPD a lot and feel i may have it but am struggling to recall this in real time or i guess accept it ? idk i dont have a proper diagnosis so i feel unsure but still i have read about DBT and have talked about it with therapists when i first thought i had it but was unable to continue therapy at the time (early this year)

also should mention my therapist did not think i had BPD but i also wasnt seeing him long so im not confident in that

but still.... does anyone have real life tips for this?