I feel like I'm only alive to struggle. I had been doing better with not self harming when I have episodes. I was following some useful tips for keeping myself grounded and seeking out alternative to hurting myself. Idk why I'm such a lost cause. It feels like the harder I work to not want to kill myself, the more it makes death seem more welcoming. I relapsed and drank the other night, after doing soo good at staying away from it. It immediately spiraled me out of control. I woke up and never felt soo worthless. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I already don't feel good about my body from all the mutilation I've done to it. I want to live my life, but I feel like living is torture at this point. 😫