I've prided myself since diagnosis 3 years ago on only being "a little" borderline. I'm not like THOSE borderlines who x, y, z. 

But wouldn't you know it, I have a habit of getting in relationships with people with, how should I put it... dominatable personalities. And slowly I exert more and more control and nitpicking all under the guise of helping them achieve the things they want, be the person they want to be.

But it's actually the person I want them to be.

So, for the second relationship in a row (out of 2), I have succeeded in divorcing a person from their sense of identity and stability.

I have always been powerfully persuasive and just socially powerful in general, and now I hate myself for it. I am alone now, our friends rallied around them after the break up, understandably, and here I am. Severely depressed. Ashamed. Ashamed that I am more affected by the shame of others seeing how I behaved in this relationship than I am by my guilt over doing this to another person.

And now I'm making grand promises to myself. I'll only ever date people a decade older than me from now on. I'll only ever date couples because how on earth can I expect one person to deal with me?

I know it will all fall apart at the next beautiful face I see. Pandemic imposed isolation may keep me at bay for now, but not forever.