I feel like I should just be satisfied with decent hook ups since it’s so hard to maintain a relationship with my disorder. I hate meaningless sex but I crave affection and intimacy and finding someone I truly connect with feels hopeless. I ruin all of my relationships with my moods, outbursts and overall behavior. I’m tired of having my heart broken. 

On Saturday I went totally off the rails and showed up to my ex’s girlfriend’s birthday dinner. I was not invited and yet I sat down at the dinner table and gave her a Teddy bear and card. Unfortunately I gave her the wrong card and it came across as a threat. Instead of a birthday card I gave her a going away card and she was like “who is going away me or you?” I was too stunned to say anything in response. Then as the evening progressed I attempted to throw steak sauce on my ex and his girl. 

I am disappointed because I once again was unable to control my anxiety and outbursts. Let the shame begin.

For context I broke up with him and he is poly. So all of this is totally ridiculous.