for a lot of my relationships especially maybe 2015-2017 i have self sabotaged every single relationship i have been in, including friendships. i mean the only person i have ever been in love with, i did this horrible thing that i found myself triggered by an ex (who he never spoke about) &amp; started anonymously msging myself online to the point where i faked someone being my friend &amp; a “cop” like making the entire thing up to where the cop was “handling” it. eventually things caught up with me &amp; they wanted proof of the cop and when i couldn’t do so he left me, blocked me on everything. rightfully so. i still live with this disgusting regret today. but the sabotaging never stopped, i did it to a few friends to where they also cut me off. but, today i did it to my best friend where she posted a link on instagram to ask her anonymous message and i was sending her mean msgs but the app allows you to see a location where it comes from and she figured it out and told me she hopes i die and that i’m the worst thing to happen to her. i thought this behavior because i wasn’t doing anything wrong anymore,  i was finished with these behaviors.. i will make the assumption that it’s because things seem to “good to be true” &amp; i have to ruin it before it ruins me, it’s all projecting. i never mean to hurt anyone or anything about the other person but about me. i become this lying, manipulative, terrified person. but the after affects of that guilt, shame, &amp; regret is something that eats away at me. i don’t know why i do any of this. it makes me want to Sh &amp; k*ll myself. i know somewhere inside i am not this person but i can’t strip them of me.. i hate this me.