I hate anxiety. I only learned I had it when I was sixteen and due to my childhood trauma shit I chalked it up to me being a "pussy". But when it got bad to where it fucked with my daily life I decided to see a psychiatrist. Turns out I'm fucked up. Super awful insomnia due to how bad my anxiety and depression is, which is an awful cycle. I don't fall asleep till six in the fucking morning most nights because I'm worried someone's gonna kill me or I'm convinced I'm a piece of shit and I owe so many people so many things without taking a second to think about what I've done for people or why I'm being so hard on myself as if I don't deserve what I strive to give others. My anxiety usually starts with the chills but mainly in my chest. I like to think of it as a fire that just gets bigger and bigger. That's followed by my arms going numb, shivering( teeth clattering and all), hyperventilating, dizziness and eventually me passing out for a few seconds due to oxygen deprivation. It's so absurdly physically detrimental that it just completely fucks up whatever I'm doing at that moment. The anxiety seems insurmountable and breathing techniques legitimately only make it worse. Every time I get anxious I feel starved of oxygen so trying to breathe deep and slow makes me feel like I'm killing myself. Like if I don't stop and breathe fast and shallow I'm going to die. I hate that anxiety has this much of a grip on me. I hate having to use klonopin and other benzo prescriptions to put out the fires . Plus that shit really messed me up because as soon as i find something that works they cut down my dose with each script effectively rendering it useless. I don't wanna sound like a crackhead and ask for a higher benzo dose but like I don't have my shit under control enough to be tapering my shit. I did have a really low point with panic attacks every day and an eventual attempted suicide( train tracks not with benzos) and I was taking 2 of my klonopin every day instead of one. Psychiatrist no likey so he cut the shit down and idk how to make a logical argument for a doseage increase. I'm trying. I'm taking sertraline morning and night, but that doesn't immediately work. My anxiety stops me from doing the simplest shit because when I'm anxious shit exhausts me in seconds. That makes having a trump card very useful, and it's not the only thing I do to try and remedy anxiety. If I don't want to take klonopin I workout but sometimes the rapid breaths from that just tie in with the anxiety. If I try to meditate( I'm not good at all yet) all that happens is I think about the issue more and have no outside stimulus to distract me from said issue. If that doesn't work I take 3 benadryl. And if that doesn't help I take a klonopin. I don't know what the point of this post is. I just really fucking hate that anxiety has this much control over the things I do think and say.