I can't believe what I'm doing. I can't even stop myself. I'm so gross and nasty. The way I hurt people and the way I force them to stay with me.

I'm with a married woman. I'm always drawn to people that cannot be with me. I think it's because I know they will leave. And that's all I ever known so it makes me feel safe.

She won't leave her husband for me. And I want to force her. I act like a psychopath. Threatening to kill myself. having her husband's number on speed dial. 

I don't want to hurt her. I just want us to be together. I don't want her to leave me. Because I know she will choose him over me. 

I need out of this relationship. I need to slap myself out of it. I am so attached to this woman, I can't solve a single damn problem of my own. All I want to do is hit myself and cut myself. I can't do anything alone.

I know I'm stronger than this. I know I'm worth more. But, fuck, why do I always become a monster. Why do I always abuse myself and others? I don't know. Even with all the medication and therapy, I still fall for my impulses. I know very well right from wrong.

I know what I need to do. I need to get out of this. I just feel alone. Like I'm the only one dealing with all these emotions. I do not need advice although I don't mind it. I just want to know I'm not alone.