I've had two great loves in my life, the first being my first love of course. We were so young but we made each other really happy just by being in each others presence. It was pure bliss and I'd never been happier so of course I sabotaged it and pulled away from her. Because try as I might I always have this compulsion in me to end it all, it doesn't matter what I have or how happy I am. I feel like I don't deserve it and want to die. It took a good few years and what felt like an eternity to get over her. 

The second and present love has brought me nothing but misery yet I can't give her up. She's just like me, she's broken that's what makes it so hard. I feel like I need to save her but at the same she won't let me. It hurts but I can't let go of hope.

Love is all I want yet it takes everything out of me to be in love. I am far too fragile and it's going to break me.

This is torture.