TLDR: i hade sex with my coworker but i’m confused about my feelings about the whole night bc we both don’t remember having sex after we fell asleep, most likely from the drugs n alcohol, and now im going through a really bad splitting episode and my suicidal thoughts are coming back. 

around a month ago i went out with some coworkers and we all got pretty wasted. i was talking to ppl at the bar and then one of my coworkers comes up to me asking if i wanted to go home with him n i said no bc someone we work with was going to spend the night at mine since she lives very far. somehow he convinced me to meet him in the bathroom, and it didn’t really take that much convincing to get me to say yes, as i am desperate for attention n will never turn down an opportunity to have sex. 

as the night went on, n a few more drinks, i ended up going home with him and having a lot more sex with him, which was fine but i remember that i repeatedly said i didn’t not want to have sex anymore when we were about to go to sleep n yet he kept asking me n me giggling n saying no. bc i was ready to sleep i put on a shirt n shorts n took my seroquel which was the last thing i remembered. i used to be a really light sleeper but ever since i started taking these pills i really knock out, like i don’t even change positions even if i fall asleep sitting up. so when i woke up in the morning i noticed that i had no underwear on n i felt like i had been penetrated but i dismissed the thought bc i didn’t think much of it. however later i found out that “we” had sex in the middle of the night which i have no memory of n he claims that he doesn’t remember either cuz he’s was on xanax. im really conflicted bc i’ve known him got months n i trust/trusted?? him n everyone knows that he’s a person who has good intentions only but i still feel soo uncomfortable about the whole situation. i already talked to him about how i was feeling n he was very apologetic, like losing his mind at the thought of even doing something remotely close to what happened btw us. n for my own peace of mind, n the fact that i was historically crying for days after, i decided that i wanted to move past this n act like it was an unfortunate situation where we were both too intoxicated to have made good decisions that night which then made it easier for me to be in the same space as him instead of being overwhelmingly anxious n avoiding him all day. 

ik my bpd is the reason y i can’t tell men no. it makes me feel so horrible about myself n makes me soo angry that i easily get myself into these awful situations n then wonder y bar things always happen to me. i’ve been going through a major splitting episode since this happened which i wasn’t even aware of until someone pointed it out to me the other day. 

anyways, i thought i moved past all of this but when i was talking to him yesterday he said a few things that i didn’t really think much of until i heard something else from a coworker which meant that he lied to me, n im not even mad about what was said, i’m mad bc he randomly told me something that i didn’t even ask about n lied about it which is making me question everything that he’s ever told me n in turn making me feel disgusting about myself n triggering my trauma responses over again (bc waking up to the feeling of being penetrated reminded me exactly of one of the times that i was r*ped). 

i’m desperately trying to forget about this whole situation n it’s been ok so far but it really doesn’t help that he keeps saying that that night was a mistake over n over again making it all about himself bc some other ppl found out n i guess that’s y he regrets the whole night, bc he doesn’t want ppl to think about him that way instead of asking me how i’m feeling. 

idk y im writing this or what i’m looking to hear but i just feel so shitty about myself rn n i hate that this is bringing back my suicidal thoughts again, but i’m just so sick of being desperate for some attention n always getting it in the wrong way. im also tired of going back n forth btw resenting him n then wanting to have sex with him again. wtf is wrong with me.