Me and my boyfriend rarely argue. We are very similar people and we almost never have issues. But on the rare occasion we do argue, it always hits me so hard.

Last night we were on facetime and I brought up my mental health because I’ve been struggling a lot recently. I told him I’ve been pretty down for the past two or so weeks and since I’m really bad with wording and getting my point across he thought I was breaking up with him. I explained that’s not what I was trying to say and he understood. But then he said he wished I told him sooner and I explained I was going to, but our good friends broke up about a week ago so I decided instead of worrying about me we should worry about them so I pushed my problems aside and chose to ignore them, which I know is not good. But I tried to explain myself anyways, and then he started saying I’m never myself around him. He says I act different in front of my friends than when I’m with him. He then said I’m happier around them and I’m always sad when I’m with him, which he immediately apologized for and said he didn’t mean it. I sat there crying because I didn’t know how to take any of this in. I still don’t.

He knows about my BPD, but there are some parts that are hard for him to understand. I spent an hour writing an apology last night while he was asleep and when we woke up he said he felt better about it, but things feel so weird between us now. I feel so awful because I have this image of myself in my head from past relationships where I was told I’m toxic, manipulative, and a terrible person. Those words always haunt me because I always try my best to b the best friend and girlfriend I can, but sometimes it feels like I’m failing. I always jump right to “he’s going to break up with me” and I hate it. I feel like my brain isn’t meant to handle relationships, which hurts so bad because I love having a person who I get to spoil and show all my love to because I’m such a loving and caring person.

So now I’m just trying to figure out what to do. I can’t stop thinking about it and it hurts to know that he thinks I’m always unhappy around him when really I’m the happiest I’ve ever been when I’m with him. I just wish my brain would shut up and let me live my life without constantly feeling like I’m going to mess everything up. I can’t stand this. I just feel so alone and misunderstood. I need a hug. I’m so sorry for the long rant I just needed to talk to people who actually know what it’s like.