Hey guys, never done this before but figured someone might have some insight or tips on some of the issues I’ve been dealing with since becoming more self aware of my varying mental states. First off, this has only really happened over the past year after completely ruining another relationship and finally taking the time to examine my self-destructive patterns that keep recurring (currently age 31). I am sort of an anomaly as I had a large cyst (the size of a plum) inside of my skull crushing my left temporal lobe up until the age of 28 so my situation might differ from others (will post a pic below since I’m sure someone’s interested).

1. The first thing for me as of recently has just been learning to identify what mood or state I’m in and how it’s affecting the current situation. My biggest problem has always been being able to control the downs and limiting the amount of damage I cause in my friendships/relationships with sudden outbursts, etc. Identifying what state I’m in has been extremely helpful in that sense because I can at least know, “ok I’m in a bad spot” and my reaction is always to just get out of that situation as fast as possible. It’s definitely not the best option though because I always seem to abandon who I’m with in a sort of fight or flight instinct, but distancing myself has been the only thing that seems to work in these situations so far. The latter always ends up with me just throwing the whole friendship or relationship or situation away in the trash so to say.

2. Irritability. I find my irritability towards others while manic comes from things not going fast enough for my mind. When I think about it, all of the hobbies I enjoy to do are all really fast-paced because I think it somehow satisfies my mind to actually be living as fast as I can think… if that makes sense. The weirdest part is when I am doing something fast-paced like riding motorcycles or whatever, things actually sort of slow down for me and I really enjoy that feeling.

3. Manic spending…. Holy shit… Now that I’ve finally been able to realize when I’m manic and can identify that urge… I’m amazed I’m not in debt to be honest. I’ve done the whole “plane ticket” thing 10+ times (lead to a lot of awesome travels so I can’t knock it too much) and have basically jumped from hobby to hobby going all in buying stuff just to lose interest in it months later. My biggest helper has been never keeping money in my checking account, the second it’s in there it’s too easy to spend and it’s gone but if I keep it in my savings I seem to keep my paws off it for the most part (definitely still very guilty though).

4. The hyper-sexual part. Once again I’ve done the whole thing of cheating on most of my gf’s, going on crazy sex benders for days on end with complete strangers, and basically just fucking everything in my path. Looking back I realize I’ve ruined a lot of friendships and work relationships that I should have valued more than a hook up.

5. Actually finishing what I start. Currently I’m back in community college for the 4th time (still no degree). I feel a lot more confident on completing it this go around because I’m actually enrolled in classes that I’m interested in and have gotten to a place where I can’t half-ass anything in my life; but these moments of inspiration usually don’t last long enough for them to actually be completed. Looking at my track record I always change my mind or direction in life after a year or so.

6. The depression. For me it seems like I’ve battled it so many times that it doesn’t affect me as much as some others. I never think of suicide or anything like that; probably a huge part of that comes from the fact I’m just happy to have survived neurosurgery. It’s more just feeling “off” if that makes sense. All of my real friends can instantly tell when I’m in it (so they say, apparently I’m not too good at hiding my emotions from my face) but they just keep going like nothing’s wrong hoping I’ll snap out of it (which happens a lot too). If I’m in a situation where it’s possible to get away, I usually hide away from people and try to get back in tune (yoga and meditation help a lot).

7. I’ve also realized I have a huge problem living in the “grey area”. I like things to be black and white. I think I’ve made a lot of situations in my life worse by not just accepting the unexpected.

8. The final and biggest thing right now is the regret. Now that I’ve finally “come down” to reality so to say, looking at all of the friendships and relationships I’ve ruined makes me feel sick. As I’m writing this I feel like I wanna throw up. The fact that so many amazing people have wanted to commit fully to a life with me and my response has been to either cheat or abandon them when they needed me most is beyond words. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself, it all just feels so fucking wrong…..

Side notes:
- It seems everything in my life is “ALL IN”. For better or worse my lack of trying is never the problem, but it comes with a lot of disappointment and pain as things are never what I imagine or dream them up to be. I’ve been trying to live less in tomorrow and more in the present, but the more I focus or am aware of my emotions the less “in the moment” I really feel. It’s sort of like these days when I can control it I’m not feeling emotions so to say, I’m more just looking at them from the sidelines and trying to figure out where they’re coming from and why (not in a depressive way but an analytical way). Again, I’m not even sure if this is the “right thing” to be doing, but it’s where life has taken me as of recently. Even in the manic state I can’t seem to fully enjoy it like I used to because I’m too busy trying to “crack the code” of its origins. I also find the whole “bipolar” definition quite interesting, it seems most people go into manic or depressive states for weeks or even months on end… whereas it feels like I’m on a daily six flags roller coaster. Truthfully just happy to be alive, but so so so tired of losing friends over and over again.

https://imgur.com/eiXysil