I (18F) have diagnosed ocd, ptsd, chronic major depression, am 'chronically suicidal', have anorexia and chronic insomnia. Also have autism. I've been harming myself since I was eight and have been impatient for two years, a year of that was forced. Have tried too many meds and therapies to count and have been 'given up' a few times now. I'm about to transfer to adult mental health care since I'm still at youth rn. My self harm is severe and in 2020 I lost so much blood from it I became severely anemic. I was basically one period away from organ failure. I had a lot of symptoms but disregarded them because 'i wanted to die anyway'. When it turned out I almost did, i was quite confused. I have attempted a lot of times, but never realized my death wish was so strong I was able to ignore the feeling that I was actually, literally letting myself die.


Two weeks ago I went bungee jumping with a friend. I went first. Of course my body was raging, it was saying 'don't throw yourself off something so high'. My mind was fine tho. When I was falling, the only thought I had was 'I feel so damn good, if only I wouldn't be attached to anything'. I realized afterwards I was the happiest I had been in years because for a few seconds my body convinced me I was plummeting to death and the relief it gave me was beyond freeing. I am not sure how to continue with my life. I've been thinking about attempting again for ages but didn't go through with it because of my cat. I just don't know how to keep living. I feel like reaching out is useless because I've tried almost everything already. I am scared they'll just lock me up again