New to the bpd diagnosis and I currently see a therapist. I was misdiagnosed as clinically depressed, then bipolar 2, then bipolar 1. Everything was sort of sudden. I just turned 23 a month ago. Since I was roughly 12, I've been on anti- depressants. Partly because I was sexually abused as a young child, something that you just don't really get over. But I've lived with it.

 So up until about six months ago, I thought I just had chronic depression. But no medications have ever worked. I just kept getting worse and worse, more depressed, and then more symptoms kept showing up. Symptoms I didn't quite understand at the time, but it turns out I am "quite moody". I only recently noticed my extreme impulses.  And i would dissociate quite frequently. I've always been very sensitive and emotional, but I thought that was just how I am. Within the past year, my emotions have become extremely fast changing and I haven't felt like my self. 

Like, I'm thinking about myself two years ago, and I compared it to the person I am today and it seems like we are two completely different people. I don't recognize myself now. And it scares me. Even typing this message I don't feel like myself. 

The other day, I was in some sort of mood after my husband and I got into an argument, and I decided to cut off 18in of my hair. And immediately I hated myself.
Sometimes, I'll find myself missing time. I will sit in my reading chair for hours, and just stare. And I'm constantly trying to get myself out of my head, but when it finally happens it's 3 hours later and I'm in such a fog. I tried to figure out where I've been, but I'm still in the same spot as before. I just get trapped in my head and lose myself.

Tomorrow I'll be back to my normal self. But for now I'm just here. I'm just existing. And I guess that's ok.