Hi so this might get a bit personal but i'm tired of questioning what "making love" means. This post gets a little detailed and I hope no pervs read it, i'm borderline and have been through abuse/rape. So making love, In my head I picture two people being super romantic, kissing each other deeply and thrusting missionary saying "i love you" with no dirty words or hair pulling involved..

If that's the case, I've never made love. A little backstory of my sex life, I'm sorry if it's grotesque. I lost my virginity at 13 by some senior in high school promising me he would be my boyfriend and take me to the movies every time he took me behind a nearby alley and bent me over and finished. I fell for it each time until eventually I realized he was using me. Then I took this boy who was a year older than me virginity at 14. It was silent, awkward and I dipped with neither of us cumming. I went into a year relationship with a boy who raped me and hooked me onto meth. A year of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Why did I go into a relationship with a guy who raped me? Because I was 14, on drugs and brainwashed. Thought he was my best friend and also did not have anywhere to stay. Then once I escaped from that horrible situation, I had 2 flings with 2 boys who I wanted a relationship with but wanted nothing other than to get their dick sucked or cum quickly. 

Then I met my boyfriend 2 years ago, April 2nd. He showed me that not all guys are pigs, that not all men crave younger girls, that someone could love me and not abuse me. He was pure, old fashioned and everything I could ask for in a man. He thought he was special because he said I gave him the best sex ever, I was wild and liked bjs unlike anyone he has been with. He tried having normal loving sex with me, but it made me feel weird. I couldn't get turned on at all and would even end up in my head thinking about something messed up. Eventually he got accustomed to the sex I am used to and for some reason enjoy. Rough sex, name calling, degrading, controlling sex. He was the first I actually came with because I felt safe with him unlike anyone else. I love our sex life, it's awesome! But the other day I was talking to my friend who has borderline symptoms like me and was raped and she said something along the lines of "Isn't it strange us women who have been abused/rape and have borderline symptoms only like rough sex, what even is "making love" sounds like something I couldn't get off too!" And that struck something in me. She was right, I don't think I've ever made love, and if I did would I even like it? Maybe it was what my boyfriend was showing me when we first got together that I found so awkward, intimating and un comfortable. Are abuse victims/borderlines only accustomed to rough/hate sex? Why is this? Can I make love? Have I made love? I feel so fucked up about this. 
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  **tl;dr**: Why do abuse/rape/borderline victims only want rough/hate sex? Isn't that contradictory? Have I/Can I ever make love? What is making love?