I’ve applied to a few therapy groups and counselors, but I’m on a waitlist and it’s going to be a while before I can see anyone. I don’t like scaring my friends and family so I try not to vent to them. But I need to get this out of my head, and here seems like a good place. Even if someone has advice that can help, I would appreciate it.


TW: a trigger warning for anyone who has suffered or has a loved one who suffered from Covid. 



I have been an ICU nurse for 4-5 years. I loved it, the adrenaline, the constant learning, taking care of people and watching them thrive as they get better, or comforting them when they don’t. I thought I found my calling. I was really good at my job. Covid finally hit my hospital in February and my life has fallen apart since. Covid isn’t like anything I or my coworkers have ever seen. It kills so fast, you feel helpless while watching someone struggle, you try everything possible and nothing helps. A lot of chronic illnesses at least make it so people are less aware and more out of it when they are really sick. Covid doesn’t, they are awake and aware. The few who survive were so riddled with issues, it was so hard watching these healthy people cope with their new disability. The amount of human suffering I’ve absorbed has broken me. I quit my job, I’ve had too many traumatic nights.

I can’t look at people I love or care about without getting these horrible images in my head. Whenever someone starts to bring it up or talk about Covid, my chest gets tight and I can’t focus. I’ve had anxiety in the past, but I had overcome it and was using it as my weapon to make me a good nurse, always double checking things and it made me a safe nurse. Now it’s destroying me. I have nightmares about work, I think about cases. I remember names and faces and it’s just all hard. I can’t enjoy being around my friends or family because my mind is like “what if they end up like the patient x?” And I get horrible images in my head. It’s like every case I’ve seen is haunting me. Even traumatic things from before Covid haunts me now- my first peds code which I thought I had handled so well is now keeping me awake at night. 

If anyone has tips for this- or any healthcare workers can relate, I would appreciate it. I’ll probably end up deleting this- but I needed to get it out and put it somewhere.