I know what I'm doing and I can't stop. I met a new guy and he is so nice. And the niceness will probably be what makes me just drop off the face of his world and never contact him again. 

If guys are too nice.. or too interested I either think something is seriously wrong with them, they are desperate or they want to use me for sex.

But in a big old contradiction.. i know that I can make men fall for me very quickly and easily. I'm being myself 100% but maybe myself is manipulative. I'm very open and honest and willing to share anything. Which is never a turn off to anyone, they think I'm special. I make fun of them almost right away. They see it as confidence. I don't know what it is, but that's not it. 

And once I know they think I'm special. Once I know they want me. The butterflies and nerves and over the moon happiness of this new relationship turns into disgust. I never know it's coming, but it always comes. 

Never with my ex though. I'm still not over him and he treated me worse than anyone ever has.. That is the only relationship I have had that has ever lasted more than a couple weeks.. it's like I want people to treat me like shit so I can be a victim. But i don't like it. I don't understand. I just love him. He only loves himself. 

New guy shouldn't be my victim.. i shouldn't do this to people. I honestly do like him right now. I know any day now I will be so turned off by the thought of him, I won't even care that I stomped on his feelings.. I'll still feel sorry for myself and sulk in my misery about the relationship I compare actually nice people to. I know the score board is wrong, knowing doesn't help.

Oh and I'm supposed to hang out with ex today. Because I'm just a shitty fucking person. I passed up plans with someone who actually wants to spend time with me for someone I'm 99% sure will ditch me today.