Over the past few years, my struggle with anxiety has become more and more serious. I also have issues with depression, self hatred, and feelings of inferiority/inadequacy. 

There was a girl that I used to see. Three years ago, she found another guy. It sent me into the biggest panic attack of my life, which I call the crash that led to "the great depression". It was a dark part of my life and I hadn't seen her since.

Until today. 
I went to the train station an hour ago and saw her. It sent me into a spiral. I was having trouble breathing, thoughts were buzzing around my head (including to throw myself in front of the train), and I has having palpitations and tremors. 

This girl is the embodiment of the confirmation that I am a nobody. Less than others. Inferior. And I will always be a lonely and depressed loser watching others get what I want without barely trying. She will always be the attractive girl that can find someone in a second. I am just a mentally unwell, maladjusted guy with average looks at best. 

I just hate being me. I hate feeling like this. I don't know how much longer I can lead this life of loneliness and mediocrity. I hate how different I am. I feel defective. I feel worthless.