I'm having a really hard time dealing with stuff lately. Since August I have been having a lot of anxiety about school, and now that I'm about a month in its just getting worse. My classes are hard, as is my major, and I feel like I haven't been keeping up as much as I need to be. I thought about not going at all this semester or dropping classes now, but I'd feel like even more of a failure then.

This is exacerbated by my partner having had covid the last 10 days. I was very worried because they have some medical issues and even though they are vaxxed, it could still have been worse. In that time I managed to not test positive, but wasn't able to work because of living with them (company policy). Instead of using that time to focus on class stuff, all I was up to was the bare minimum of logging on and maybe getting some of the work done. I fully missed today.

I've been managing to take care of my partner, but having a hard time with myself. I track calories and for the last 5 ish days I've just barely eaten a little more than half of what I should be. Even though it did5nt start intentional I feel myself sliding l back into some unhealthy eatingcoping habits. About the only healthy ish things I've managed to keep up with is drinking enough water, washing and moisturizing, and brushing my teeth.

And the last few days have really ramped it up, while my partner was sick I wasn't keeping up with cleaning as well as I should have, but I haven't left things gross. Just untidy. But now we have been having flies in the house, and every morning I get up and kill/vacuum up like 10-15 that swarm around the kitchen light. I'm worried it'll get worse and we'll have to call the apartment manager in to see if something needs to be done past what we can do ourselves. I've made some traps, got fly paper and keep killing them, but it makes me feel so gross. Our apartment isn't dirty, just a little cluttery and I HATE having to have people come over. I had a little meltdown today and cleaned the apartment super well, but still. I still would feel uncomfortable having someone come over right now.

It just seems like I've been fucking so much stuff up lately, and like I'm incapable of managing to keep up with even the most basic stuff like showering daily or fucking keeping bugs out of our apartment. I feel so gross inside and out, and like the only ways I can or want to cope are very unhealthy. It's all building and something has to break. Like even if I work on one thing, something else gets overwhelmingly messed up in its place and I just can't catch up or do anything right.




Tl;dr: I suck at school, I've been worried about my partners health, having a hard time keeping up with stuff I need to be doing, been getting flies in the apartment despite generally cleaning regularly, and just feeling overwhelmed by every little or new thing that comes up.