Why are doctors? Rant

TW: brief mention of suicide

I’m so annoyed and I feel like I’m hitting wall after wall.

For about the tenth time of ringing my GP and speaking to a different GP each time, today another doctor told me that I’m definitely not bipolar and probably have bpd, which is fair enough. I’m getting obsessive about it and I know I’m never going to be satisfied with a diagnosis, but he’s not even going to refer me to a professional. Another GP a few weeks ago said the same thing and got any with me too and called me ungrateful.

Regardless of what I have, I still need help because my brain is an awful place to be at almost every point. When it’s elevated I’m making stupid decisions and spending so much that it screws me over and when I’m low I’m suicidal and literally have no hope. I told the doctor today and he said that I need to wait for some letters before they can come to a decision (one letter from the doctor who thinks I have bpd and another from a community health team detailing how I’ve done in a 6 week course I’ve just completed). 

I asked him what I can do in the meantime because although I’m ok ish at the moment, I can easily slip into depression and want to die. He said ‘well there isn’t a magical pill you can take to make you feel better, when you’re feeling despair, just put it into context and know that it’s not permanent or try practising some mindfulness’.

I’m so angry and I’m so lost. Crisis teams are useless, self help things are awful because they don’t help. My community team doesn’t specialise in mood swings and my GP has got it out for me for some reason. How am I meant to deal with this? How do I get past all of the hell if nobody is there for the next time I fall? 

I’m so tired and I’m so alone and I’m so frustrated that nobody seems to care.