I’ve had days of clarity where I feel a genuine, selfless, warm love towards my boyfriend. It’s different from idealization; I feel protected and protective, and though I’ll notice his flaws, I can also see that he’s genuinely a loving person that’s trying his best, and so I can embrace him for who he is while maintaining my boundaries.

More often than not, though, I’m *constantly* splitting. There’s idealization; if he gives me any kind of attention, as simple as holding my hand, I start thinking I’m the luckiest girl in the entire world with such a perfect man. I think about marriage and kids, telling myself, “this can actually work out, we can actually have an amazing future together.” I become convinced he’s my soulmate.

But a majority of the time, I’m stuck in the devaluation state. I’m constantly worried I’m signing up for years of miserableness and betraying despite him constantly proving me otherwise over the course of two years. I remember the select few times he hurt me. It constantly replays in my head no matter how many times we talk it out. My mood directly affects how I *think* he’s treating me. I start wondering if I’m faking my love entirely.

I’ve spent almost a year working on myself, and for the past 3 months, I’ve been able to prevent myself from having irrational rage episodes. More often than not, I can recognize I’m splitting now and try to wait it out... but it just feels so wrong. He deserves someone that always *knows* she loves him. 

Just two years of this feels like hell and I miss those moments of clarity but I don’t know how to activate it myself :( People say BPD can be manageable but not curable. Does this mean I’m going to be unsure forever?