Crybaby. Victim. Every name you could think of would be used against me when I was reacting to any sort of event. It came to a point where I was embarrassed to cry and embarrassed to express that part of myself so I slowly stopped crying. I would just trek right through it and soak it all in. I couldn’t force myself to cry if I wanted to. No amount of sad music or movies or books could pull it out of me. 

This pandemic has been hard in so many ways, mostly in the ways of affecting my loved ones because I am in the healthcare field so my work hasn’t stopped. Although I have watched several of my residents die and go completely downhill ever since they were banned visitors and us wearing masks gives them anxiety. My friends have lost their jobs, had to move back home, are depressed, I had one friend go to the psych ward, I have a sibling who refuses to take their medication and shuts me out when I try to help them, my other sibling would constantly messaged me every single day about her problems and attempted 3 times and the last I was finally able to get her into the psych ward to get help and spent hours in the hospital with her when it turns out she was slandering me the whole time, I am healing from a toxic relationship with the father of my baby, struggling to be a single mother and just when I thought I had moved on and I was ready to fall in love again.. I meet someone who treated me good. Was understanding about me and my issues, kept telling me he wanted me in his life and to be with me and kept things moving slowly to later on and even sleeping together over a course or a few months to be told he wasn’t ready for a relationship after I already became attached. I have been following social distancing and isolation so it has been even harder on my mental health. 

I am a mostly stable borderline co-occurring with bipolar disorder. I am on the right meds. I try my best to stay positive and just not soak in everything around me but I feel like I do despite my attempts. I feel like I just try to keep my head high so I can be a positive force in other people’s lives but I’m in the inside I’m crumbling. 

Last night I slipped into old habits and drank to feel numb and got into an argument with that guy who led me on and just broke down into tears. Everything that’s occurred the past few months just poured right out of me and in a way it feels good but in a way I feel embarrassed. I feel embarrassed that I was doing so well for so long to fall completely to the ground and feel like I am not worthy of people because I can’t completely control my mental illness. Some days it makes me feel so out of control and the medications have helped lower the ups and the downs but they still happen. How could someone ever love someone like me? I just couldn’t possibly know. I want to appear strong and feel strong but right now I just feel so broken and like no matter how hard I try, I will never not be broken.