It can be very frustrating having BPD for a long time. I'll be 30 in July and have been diagnosed since 18. For me, there are stages of dormancy. And just when I get to thinking I have it figured out, I'll realized I'm doing some hella BPD shit and be shocked at how I've been "tricked" again. Mom died in September. That was a major trigger. Also concluded the end of a really shitty relationship that I spent two years contemplating if I'm just a crazy BPD bitch or if he's really a narcissistic jerk. I eventually just threw it in the trash deciding that...if I'm constantly bringing up dialogue, and trying, and putting in all my effort into a person who knocks all my insight down with a "nope it's your fault" then goodbye forever. 

But I recently met a new guy. He's really nice. His daughter is a year older than my son. He's successful (I've only ever dated jobless men), has goals (aged 28-42 living off their parents and me), and is very kind. Normally (when I was on drugs before my son) I would like. Be absolutely repulsed by a person like this. Like I might sleep with them and then wake up really grossed out by them. But I've been doing therapy, going to school, and really trying to understand it this time. Which means more than just romanticizing the symptoms. It means putting in the work to recognize patterns and really rewire my brain on some things. 

So we've been dating about a month. About two weeks in, we bang. I woke up the next day and I was repulsed. Just like the olden days. But I knew it was like. A lie I was telling my brain. Everything I liked about him is still there. And he actually read some articles I sent him and some youtube videos (Dr. Fox) about BPD and he read and watched them. So i've been communicating that sometimes my brain is tricky and my moods don't reflect my feelings. I didn't run! Things have slowed down, but he's so patient and kind and I think that I'm going to get through it. This is major. Because he truly is a good man that I've previously been subconsciously terrified of and would compulsively try to sabotage. 

My other win is today in the grocery store I almost had a Rage Meltdown (over the stupidest shit in retrospect. Like someone invading "my space" lol). I was committed to acting like I was sooo mad. Was going to slam shit around. Get home. Cancel on the boyfriend. And slam a bottle of wine. When I was walking out to the car, I realized how much effort it takes to maintain that anger. Like keep it going. Just tto go home and drink too much. My catastrophsizing the situation was a means to get trashed and just be angry because it's powerful and feels good. So childish. I got in the car and it just washed away. My kid was waiting for me and I turned around and I said, "I love you honey." And it was gone. Boyfriend came over. We played puzzles on the floor. 

TL:DR I'm keeping the guy and I beat anger today!