Lately I’ve felt both more empty and more hopeless, which isn’t a great combo. I normally stay permanently high so that I never think about it but I haven’t been able to find anything good lately.

It’s been almost three years since the last time I cut. Stopping that was harder than quitting cigarettes to be honest. But things have felt so unbelievably shit for awhile and it came to a head a week ago and I relapsed.

It didn’t bother me overmuch, I thought it was a one off and I could go back to my harm free days easily.

Today, I had to go back on something I said I’d do for someone else. I didn’t want to do it to begin with, but I don’t have boundaries and get stressed rejecting people so saying yes and then having to call back to let them down stressed me out.

I don’t have a lot of people in my life I’d call to relieve stress over something that small, so I called my brother. We got off topic and talked about the amazon fires for a minute and I disagreed with something he said and he got annoyed-ish with me because we were apparently saying the same thing. I don’t think we were, but it went from a light convo to this gross tension so I just told him goodbye.

And then I sat and wondered if I’m so much of an asshole that I can’t even notice it. If I’d said something really rude to the point that even my own family can’t deal with me for seven minutes. I feel like a burden, I’ve always felt like a burden, and I self harmed again. 

This is literally the only place I can vent that. I don’t want my family to think I’m an attention seeker, I’ve never felt close enough to anyone to actually explain that I feel like I’m sinking more everyday and it just keeps getting harder. Especially if I explain that all that happened was I said no and had a disagreement. 

I don’t know. I don’t really know what my end goal even is with writing this, I just feel like I’m on a slippery slope.