I hurt and I been hurting for sometime. I been very secure about it. I know the reason I hurt is very cliche for any men. I been struggling to keep moving forward because the pain feels like it will last a lifetime and that I blame myself because I wasn’t strong enough to stop the hurt on time. I want to scream my lungs out sometimes but I just scream in silence but I feel my hurt roar. I am not suicidal. I am confuse on myself. I changed a lot and I did it for the wrong reason although at the time it felt like it was what I needed to become to see myself at my peak. But everything begin to crumble. I saw all of it and the most painful thing was that it was like it was slow moving on purpose so I wouldn’t miss anything and feel every bit of it. I talk to my dog and it helps but I am just talking to myself. I’m trying to be great I know what I want to become and what I want to mean. I want to be happy the right person but it’s hard to find someone that’s right. I’m not picky but it feels like I want someone to just be understanding and not push for so much change and when I ask for change as well to see actual proof. I am very tired of thinking of myself seeing something in the past. Like it calls to me and it manipulates me but I know it’s just me and it’s always been me. I’m stuck in a loop feeling countless things all at once and it’s because I put myself below to let someone heal before me. I can’t even begin to describe myself. I cried tonight for sometime I been holding that and it feels refreshing to have a dog to hear me out and be able to write this without denying that I feel like this. It’s okay I just want to grow and it’s been so long since I been alone. It’s something I need. I was told I could be too tough but that toughness was meant for me only it pushes me when I’m in situations like this and that’s why I write this big long paragraph that has very bad punctuation and grammar mistakes but this is me before I climb the big mountain. (Aka not a real mountain)