I'm a 21 year old Male,  and just got diagnosed with BPD a week ago.  

I started to get symptoms all the way back in 3rd grade,  but it really started to kick into gear around when I was 12 and my mom got cancer and died. I attempted suicide and ended up in the ER and was put on an antidepressant for a while. 

I always thought I was just really irritable and over emotional.  Neither I or my family thought much about it beyond that.  

Anyways

When I was 11 or so,  i got really fascinated reading about people's experience using drugs.  I would spend hours reading into all the different ones out there. Mostly psychedelics. 

When I was 13, someone offered me a dab (marijuana concentrate) and I got beyond high and immediately fell in love with it. 

It wasn't until i was 14 and figured out where to get my own.  I almost immediately became a daily smoker. It really helped level out my emotions and make me not hate myself so much.  

Then after a year of daily smoking,  I got my hands on some LSD. Holy fuck did I fall in love with it,  and eventually shrooms too. I would trip every week or 2, usually at a moderately high dosage.  This continued on until I was about 17, where i toned my use way down. I've tripped over 100 times and I just turned 21.

Tripping seemed to help me a lot. It made me much happier,  less emotional,  and my outlook on life and myself improved dramatically.  But this didn't last very long.  

I also used MDMA once in a while and it was fun.  It didn't help me much though,  it was just enjoyable as I could have 6 hours of pure happiness.  I actually abused MDMA a couple months ago because I gave no fucks and was in a really dark place in my life.  I took it like 3 times in a week.  It made my BPD a lot worse,  and it still isn't back to where it was before. 

Now the biggest ones I notice I have issues with are alcohol and xanax.  Especially xanax though.  I always took enough to get blacked out. It made me extremely irritable,  angry,  sad,  and I pushed my 70 year old dad into a wall.  Kicked holes into walls.  Broke keyboards. I could go on and on.  It led up to me overdosing on 40mg in school,  causing a massive scene and I dropped out at the end of senior year of high school.  I went home and later that night,  while still incredibly intoxicated,  took LSD and drove to my friend's house (yeah surprised no one died that night)  because he texted me if I wanted to trip and come chill.  Told me everything that happened. 

Alcohol isn't nearly as bad for me though.  But I drink an insane amount whenever I can.  I drink almost 2 handles of vodka a week.