I (29F) recently confessed my feelings to someone (25F) I’ve liked for a long time and we decided to date. We have a rocky history as friends, I’ve jerked her around a lot and she’s a bit more than I can handle sometimes. She has morbid fear of abandonment and rejection (I don’t know why she’s stayed friends with me honestly). I recognize now that it was a manic episode that led me to confess (I’m still trying to find the right meds to manage the switches). I was swept up in the “magic” of the moment and clearly didn’t care about the consequences. Now, it’s hard to remember what the magic even was. She’s already invested and excited, and I’m freaking out. The closer she tries to get, the more I feel myself pushing her away. I want to ignore her texts and calls now. I know I care about and love her, but it also feels like the beginning of the end. I feel awful and the shame and regret are shutting me down in a way that indicates grippy sock vacations. I’m so frustrated with myself and I’m scared I’ve started something that will end up hurting us both in the end. I feel like human trash because she’s a good person with a good heart and I can’t even promise her I won’t ruin everything. I can’t even offer her reassurance that everything will work out. I’m just tired of hurting good people. I don’t know if I should stay and see where it goes, or tell her I can’t do it. 

This is just a vent session. My family already thinks I’m crazy for confessing to her and my therapist is gonna choke me. Just thought I’d tell some strangers first before I have to enter the fire. Get it out into the universe.