Somewhere along the line in the last year I feel like i’ve been maturing backwards. Like i’m losing myself

My response to situations is just like not the same. I feel like my capacity to be happy isn’t there. My capacity to work a job and be responsible has almost completely diminished. 

My drug addiction finally caught up with me and my now ex fiance and I’m having to start over from nothing and I just don’t even feel the mental capacity to even try. I just cannot see myself succeeding at all. 

I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. Where I felt mature for my age, where working hard was really actually easy. 

This breakup just really hurts as well. Its a lot more in depth then I realized and theres a lot of things that go along with it, and I just feel like a child. I spent basically all of my 20’s dealing with my addiction and finally thought 30’s was where I would thrive. And I was. Then injury and other dynamics at home had me quit my job which I was doing really well at, I was progressing, getting raises and promotions, and much like everything else in my life ever, it just vanished. 

I love my ex and my son very much and so strongly want to get them back but I just don’t even feel the mental strength to do it, and it hurts. I cry myself to sleep and cry when I wake up.