I am diagnosed with BPD.

I got it after constant loss.  Loss is now a very very traumatic thing for me.  It hurts me more than ANYTHING.  I have PTSD too.

Once every couple of months when I get overwhelmed, I self-harm.

What hurts me more than anything?  Losing people.

So when I self harm what I do is cut people off, or push people away, or say stupid things to self-sabotage my relationships.

I don't mean bad by it.  I don't mean what I say.  I like these people.  It's because people mean a lot to me and loss is the worst, that I do it.

In my sick state I push myself to relive that trauma of loss.  Within a few days I extremely regret it, am in a lot of pain, and miss my buddies so much.

I know it's my fault.  But I never mean bad.  People always take it super badly.  Nobody ever understands.  I've lost so many people to this over the years.

People just forget about me being supportive, nice, and generous for so long, and instead focus so much more on 1 stupid thing I did while near suicidal, which I didn't mean, even after apologising and even trying to explain.

I keep losing people to this.

I think I'm too unstable to keep friends.

Just venting and curious if anyone else is similar?