You know childhood fears? Like irrational ones, well turns out it was more than that. If I didnt check the upstairs multiple times I was convinced a fire would break out, if ANY toys were on the ground I was convinced it would self combust somehow I was like 10? Lately I was diagnosed with OCD, all these events and obsessions and other ones make sense finally, my obsessive thoughts, rumination ALL make sense. Depression has comes in waves for me so to be honest I have no idea what it feels like not to have it anymore. I remember when I was 11/12 crying to my mum saying I sont think anything is real, I was so scared. Through many years I'd dissociate and have derealisation episodes, mum thought I was making it up really so did my dad until 

A firework woke me up and startled me, nothing felt real, I felt so paranoid convinced someone is out there to kill me , completely deluded and had the worst panic attack in my life, then my parents took me seriously.

There is some trauma too that I need to explore in therapy e.g childhood bullying and being exploited online which I mentioned before. 

I wonder what life would be like without this, I get so tired of all these problems, they all blur together into an incoherent mess. This is why faking disorders pisses me off. Everyday is a battle, OCD is a bitch, dissociating isnt fun. Self harm is a temporary solution to a long term problem. I've been to A&amp;E for active suicidal thoughts. I hate this.