I feel like I don't matter, like I'm a waste. Alone and trapped in my own thoughts and feelings. Honestly I hate myself. I have never really loved myself and not sure I ever will.

I'm a burden to family for being so lazy and careless. With no dreams or aspirations I'm just existing day to day dead inside. I don't care anymore, I haven't for awhile.

Everyone says it will be fine, you're still young, but while I am young I still hurt. I hurt because every day I struggle with wanting to stay alive, caring to wake up the next day and enjoy it. I physically hurt myself to cope, drink to escape, sleep to dream. I'm alone without any friends. I have no real connections or experiences. Never dated or had dating experiences. I feel like a loser. How will I ever be able to compete with those who have done all these things?

I don't work because honestly I'm not sure anything I would do would actually interest me. Money doesn't interest me. I don't want nice cars, or to travel, or to buy a house. I don't want any of it. I doing want to be apart of life but I'm forced.

Lately killing myself has been on my mind again a lot. I picture how I would do it, what would happen, who would even care. I'm not sure what else to do but it feels like I just don't belong here anymore.