Nearing a decade struggling with my own shit, I feel fundamentally flawed like I’m not capable or don’t deserve a normal or satisfactory life. 

I realize I’m wallowing, that I have so much to be grateful for, and that I’m my own worst enemy.

But then I sink back into the cloud and I end up fantasizing about not existing, or how I’d end my life. (Though I don’t think I’m capable/would do that to my family—so it’s endless suffering that gets me nowhere as the years start to slip by). 

Thinking about therapy, don’t know how expensive it’d be now that I’m older and not under the care of my parents anymore. And also I spent two years in programs, which reinforces the feeling that I can’t really be helped. 

I just wanted to share

Cheers