Sincerely, I mean this when I say that the existence of this sub gives me hope.

&amp;#x200B;

Where to start? I feel better today. I've started taking Modafinil. It has made a big difference to my emotions. I've got a lot more done. Averaging around 1'000 a day with my novel. It helped me get up off my ass and hand my C.V into a few places. It also got me thinking about what I have done with my life this far.

My life has always been made up of processes. I think these were put in place, not deliberately, when I was a kid. First, things are okay. I start a new thing. A job, a home, a hobby. Then something happens that makes me question if it's right for me or if I'm right for it. I began to unconsciously try to sabotage it. Lose motivation. Effort decreases. Severe anxiety kicks back in. This leads to me reinforcing these feelings of "I don't belong here". Which leads on to either feeling guilty for letting the team/manager/company down/ landlord down or the opposite, I decide to set fire (metaphorically) to the job. Either by quitting or attempting to be fired without again being conscious of it. 

These patterns seem to go in the spell of a year or two. First 6 months are golden. First year, still okay. Year two. Not always but again, it depends on the things happening in life. Particular stressors make it more likely I'll self destruct. When this stage of self destruction begins, I rely on substances. Drink, drugs, sex in the past or various other things.

It's refreshing to have found some insight into these patterns. I haven't figured out how to stop the periods of intense depression yet. I feel like I'm getting close. I'm going to be speaking with a therapist soon. I have been able to be really upfront about everything. My trust issues with people. Anxiety. Dislike for being dominated or domineered in hierarchies. My difficulties in keeping friends. My sexual addiction issues, including paraphalia's in the past that I have overcome. My OCD. My paranoia. Mostly, my issues with letting anyone get close, for fear of them thinking I'm ugly or not worth loving.

Anyway, I wanted to get this down. It would be nice if you left a comment. Just any thoughts, feelings or similar experiences you've had. I wish you all a safe and love filled day.