I think I just need to decompress. It's now 1.30 and I still can't sleep. I'm not happy, most of every day, sometimes not for days and weeks at a time, in the past not all for months. 

I'm coming up on my four year anniversary of graduating school, all I have to show for it is like a year and a bit of uni credits, and $300. I don't have my licence, my learners licence expired. No car. Nothing.

I think I've started to realise that I've been depressed my entire life pretty much. 

I know there was domestic violence in my family when I was very young. I remember I'd get flashes of vision of some of it from like 10, but I didn't really know what it was. So I'd freak the fuck out. Sometimes it was audio memories, just sounds. It sounds weird but now all that I can picture is one 3-second image. The rest I haven't experienced in like four years. And I couldn't tell you what they were. Maybe reading the police docs allowed my mind to reconcile them and was able to be like ok, I'll let you forget. But idk if that's how psychology works. 

I didn't really make any friends until I was 13. I'm still friends with three of them now, but all my other friends pretty much are through them, I haven't made any new ones since school, or at least ones that I would consider close.

I never tried in school. I was smart, so I used that to just glide through. Not trying to do well, even though I could have in every subject area except probably mathematics, because when I tried doing anything more then the bare minimum I'd get a high B or low a. So if I actually studied I probably would have done well, but I got an average exit score at the end. 

Looking back on it, I think that was because of my home life. My mother was always spiteful and relentless, and so I guess I used school as a means of escape. And so I wasted it. I don't go back home much, and when I do I struggle to breathe, panic attack I guess but idk. Same thing happens when I think about my childhood and adolescence. Either that or I feel intense hatred and anger, or just want to kill myself. 

I've tried to a few times. Not in a while but it's still at least a weekly can't breathe episode followed by going through a bunch of methods in my head, but ultimately I know there's a few people that I would hurt by doing it, even though I want it to end most of the time. 

Since school, I tried uni, but gave up. Lost interest. Same with several hobbies, and jobs. I can't find the motivation to stick at anything long-term. I'm also horrible with money. 

I've also realised that whenever I get scared enough of life, I run. In school it was to my friends houses. Just after school it would be to a friend's house 100km north near the beach whenever I wanted. Then I moved cities on a fucking whim. Stayed there nine months, came back. Three months later I said fuck being back in my hometown. I'm going to get on a 21 hour train to the countryside because fuck it. I haven't stayed put since graduating. I've moved 13 times in just less then 4 years. 

Then there's my susceptibility to addiction or dependence on substances. First it was alcohol, at first I wasn't drinking that much but by the end it was 15-20 standards on week days, more on weekends. It didn't help, I'd get to a point where it made everything I was feeling way more pronounced. I tried to end it a few times in that period. I got a full time job which helped a little but I was still drinking a lot. Drank on the train to work at 5am a few days a week. But then I got hooked on cigarettes. And idk that just curbed the instinct. I didn't have a drink for like nearly half a year. And I haven't had much since. But I got drunk recently and smashed my phone and don't remember why. 

I smoke or vape a shit ton of nicotine every day still.

Currently the new one is weed. Great for falling asleep. Eventually the high crashes and I start thinking about my past, so the trick is to go to bed just at the start of the crash. The high is fucking great too. But I know it's dangerous. I couldn't get any for a week and all I did was contemplate my past and think about ending it. But when I have it, I can function. A couple of cones every night, I feel fine the next day, happy, almost. Idk if weed works long-term or if you need more and more of it and it doesn't really do anything anymore like alcohol, but if that isn't the case, I would be perfectly happy sedating myself for the rest of my life. 

Anyway right now I'm homeless, I have people I know where I can sleep, but it's not a great situation. But I don't even know what I'd do if I get a place again. I don't have any direction, or even necessarily want any. I kind of just want to get my licence and a car, and camp out in the bush. Grow my own weed. Be stoned all day every day, work occasionally so I have enough to eat and drive a bit further to see a new place and maintain the car. anyway I'm going to try and sleep now.