and it always hurts like hell. 
My mother is not the abusive parent but god forbid we would ever mention that she never did anything and just watched.
Im realizing Ive wanted that connection with my mother my entire life. I dont need her to apologize but I need to know she aknowledge what happend, and the reasons for why she didnt step in.

Ive always put my mom on a pedistal because compared to my father, she belongs there.
It's pretty painful to realize she did harm too. 
   
With all my romantic relationships Ive had I keep putting myself in a situation that looks both like my father, but realizing also my mother as if I can change the outcome of what happend then. Im falling apart right now. I dont remember when Ive ever felt this alone.

I want to leave to a different country and not come back this time.