[TRIGGER WARNING: CSA (CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE) MENTIONS]






So, ever since I was very little (probably about 5/6), I've experienced wanting to be smaller, for the affection/caring aspect. I often acted like I couldn't move/walk very well on my own, and had to be taken care of. It was pretend, and I was fully aware of that, but that's the first instance that I ever really experienced that kind of degeneration. 

Later, as I got older, I realized that I physically craved being little. It's gotten to the point where I want to be skinny, and short (probably about 4"11/5"0). I've even looked at femoral/tibial shortening just because it makes me so dysphoric being my height  (I'm 5"4). I experience extreme depression because I'm not as little as I crave. I know it sounds immature, but I also indulge in doing childish things. I buy necklaces and hair ties and bows from the Hello Kitty sections in target, I put my hair in pony tails and little buns whenever I can. 

It's extended as far as my love life. Currently I am in a DD/lg (Daddy Dom/little girl) relationship, and it is very therapeutic for me to degenerate and live as I like. I am easily stressed, however, by the fact that I am not smaller. 

I was sexually abused by my grandmother when I was two years old. I don't know if she completely stopped at that age, or managed to continue with her abuse. I was just informed by my mother what happened. My grandmother has not faced repercussions, and has not admitted to her abuse. She was able to see my and care for me into my teens, as she was my dad's care provider. I was again sexually abused when I was 13/14. I do remember that. I was convinced that I was able to consent and able minded. Even then, I still acted like a little kid often, and I called my abuser "Daddy," as well (My current boyfriend has helped change the connotation of that word, healing wise). 

I think that abuse stunted my emotional age, as I understand it did with many people who suffer from BPD. I was just curious, do any of you feel this way at least sometimes? I almost feel as if I am a person who is transgender, except with my age. It's very depression and dysphoric. 