today at school i took 3 chip bags home from the school cafeteria bc i don’t have any food in my dorm atm and one of the workers told me next time to only take 1 bag. a relatively benign exchange but i can’t take criticism or confrontation so i burst into tears after i left and started verbally beating down on myself, calling myself a piece of shit and a loser. 

the person who reprimanded me wasn’t a friend but they were someone that always was nice to me. and that makes it hurt even more. now of course my bpd black and white brain is convinced they hate me. 

whenever someone criticizes or confronts me on something (or something my brain perceived as that), no matter how tiny it is, my brain goes into defense mode. i either lash out and yell at them, or freeze up and start crying and beating myself up. 

this is such a ridiculous thing to get upset over but i guess it was the straw that broke the camels back. 

idk if it’s my bpd or autism or what. i’m so sick of it. 

on top of that i’ve been going through one of my “woe is me” phases cuz i’ve realized everyone who’s ever cut ties with me bc of my past toxic behavior is doing better now. i feel like a poison who’s only purpose in life is to inconvenience people and be called out on their shitty behavior and mistakes. i’m sick of being a burden. i’m sick of people criticizing and yelling at me. i know half the people my brain labels “yelling at/criticizing” me aren’t actually doing it, and i hate that too.