 

24m (UK) Lurker/first time poster. I was diagnosed with BPD in February this year after a severe depressive episode following a break up. It's been somewhat relieving in many ways to have some clear understanding of my patterns of behaviours and reasons for not having healthy relationships and the same very predictable cycles which end in all of my ex's despising me. Although having a term I can now fill a search bar with to gain insight into my own mind I have been also drawn to the victims of BPD side of these search results. Although I would say in past relationships I tend to harm myself more than my partners they have definitely been through horrible times with jealousy, suicide threats and me desperately trying to gain them back in my life when they have rightly wanted to separate.

I think it's great that there are support groups and subs for people who get the other end of this illness and I don't want to cause any more problems for anyone. I have found myself drawn to the sub and it breaks my heart to think that all these posts of hurt and angst are about what I am.

I am still learning about the condition and am trying to get DBT (I have been starting to work through an excercise book whilst on a waiting list) but I see the terms evil, sociopath and bad person in these victim posts. I feel like I should take myself out of society and buy a homestead in the middle of nowhere, I know this sounds extreme but reading through people's thoughts on BPD and also having therapists turn my away or give that look when the diagnosis is acknowledged it makes me feel incredibly ashamed. Is the risk of a relationship simply too dangerous for myself (I tend to self harm with extreme alcohol and substance abuse) as well as cause distress to significant others. Apologies this post isn't particularly well constructed but I would like to know pwBPD's thoughts on how society see's us, because from what I am seeing there is a lot of hate.

I hope everyone is coping in these especially hard times and staying safe.

Lots of love and thank you for reading, Gav.