every day is the same. avoid people. wait for 9pm. get in bed. wait to sleep. can’t sleep. plan my suicide. the guilt is eating me alive. i’m going to hurt so many people. and my dog is going to miss me so much, she’s old and has already lost her companion who died in may. but i can’t take this for much longer. the walls are closing in, i have to move out, find a new job, go to college. i don’t want to do any of it because it’s all just so tiring. i’m so tired by now. nineteen years of this!!!! no escape. i don’t even feel like a “good” suicidal person because i’m too tired to write a note and the emptiness has made me feel very little remorse towards most of the people i’ll be hurting. the thought of getting better and integrating with society makes me ill because i’ve built up so much resentment towards other people just for existing. even when i kill myself i’ll still be doing it selfishly. there’s just no way out