I’m on venlafaxine, previously I was on sertraline and I just don’t know. I obviously still have ups and downs of BPD but I’ve noticed whilst the lows are still there and I experience chronic suicidal ideation the expression of them is more numb and less theatrical. I used to have like one or two days in the week where I’d just break and not be able to take it anymore and be driving alone whilst screaming and crying from emotional agony. Sometimes in the middle of the night in my pyjamas etc - like a proper wreck.  

The problem is I used to experience SUCH euphoric highs as well, particularly with music and driving, like real main character “I’m in a music video” type shit. Like it actually felt I was in ecstasy. Whilst I can appreciate music still, it just doesn’t hit as hard as it used to, I can’t get that same buzz or high. It’s sad because I sing along in my car way less than I used to :( driving is now boring and draining.

Is this the trade off I’m going to have to live with forever? it’s unfair that to reduce emotional agony I have to lose some of good parts of me too. those highs would feel like actual enlightenments where I’d be so in love with being on earth in that moment, everything is too baseline now, it’s like I’m grieving my old life. Even the lows. they were agony but I miss that screaming and crying and the dramatic nature of it all. I still have very very painful lows but it’s a different more numbing sort of pain