I have been aware of my depression since I was in middle school but didn't start medication untill I was 18. I'm 20 now and since covid began I have been in a constant spiral.
I abused weed to the point that i got chs (episodes of constant vomitting lasting 3-5 days) and have now had to quit smoking because I was genuinely terrified of dying from dehydration multiple times in the past year. at points it hurt so bad I was sobbing, wishing I would die so the pain would end.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. Every day all I want is to distract myself from my own goddamn brain. I can't imagine every finding something worth staying alive for.

I almost jumped off a building yesterday. I wish I had, but I couldn't do that to my friends and family, not to mention I'm too scared it won't work and yet again I'll be in the hospital wasting all my parents money. Part of me wants to take the final step, show everyone in my life how terrible of a person I really am so that they won't feel as bad when I'm gone.
I hate that I'm too much of a coward to just do it.