Hi...I don’t really know what to do here, but I’m desperate to understand why I’m so awful and unintentionally screw everything up that means anything to me.

I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years, internationally. I moved to be with her, and as two intense people (and two women if that makes it anymore clear ha ha) it’s had it’s great moments and it’s awful moments.

I, the much worse of the two of us, is way too intense and shockingly unstable. It’s easy to say “only you can control it” but is it reality to feel like I can’t? Or am I just being too easy on myself? Surly, no one likes admitting their madness.

By things controlled I mean some of the following:

Terrifying fear of abandonment.
“She’ll find better than me. She already sees how awful her life’s been since I arrived. I ruin everything.”
(They tend fo build off one another in said fashion before I’ve blinked my eyeballs.) I will toxically leave the house in an anxious flitz to make sure she loves me and doesn’t want to be out in the cold at night. 
(If you think that’s bad, please keep reading.)
I really need some help.

Worthless, defeated, loser, self disgust view.
(Not to be confused with existential personality enhancement to over compensate from the base of lack.) I have ADHD (which I take adderall for) and am on the spectrum. Although very high functioning, and perhaps advanced in verbal communication- I couldn’t finish my college degree because I couldn’t handle the pressure, so I dropped out. I was a total loser at school. I’m socially awkward and am overall generally maladroit and don’t see how anyone can want to be around me let alone love me. (So much so I believe I subconsciously purposely push the limits to prove “aha! I knew it!” Preventing pain and abandonment before it comes.) I don’t think I’ve ever been good enough for my parents either. I’ve always failed my mother’s expectations. My father only recently came around and began believing in me - but due to the help of my girlfriend, and not because of my own doing.

I mean, I didn’t have the best childhood, the house was mean, yell-y, name calling, and minor physical disputes with the cops having to calm me down in my play area at like 4-5; which as a whole ended up in one separation when I was 6, improper reconciliation and a divorce when I was 21. But everyone has problems growing up it’s a part of life. I know my parents did the best they could. And everyone’s bullied in their life at some stage. You can’t die there and make it who you are...though I fear I am and don’t know how to not act accordingly.

Engulfing rage.
Sometimes able to reign in, and other times wild horses. Feeling nothing at all and everything all at once simultaneously. Like watching a movie, as if I’ve levitated out of my own body to the ceiling and I can’t press pause.

The combination of those two is lethal.
For example, not all disagreements solve in a night. Sometimes things need a sleep. Sometimes PEOPLE need a sleep. Logically, I understand this completely.
In the moment, though, if not everything is resolved the spiral begins. I feel like a spinning top going in on itself. I feel like I’m being shut out. Like I don’t matter. Like she’s going to make this grand decision to not be with me over night, and everything is going to be different when we wake up.
So then begins the spin.
I lose control trying to get control if that makes any sense at all.
“I must make her not fall out of love with me.”
If I then feel my efforts of communication haven’t worked, I feel so snubbed and hurt bringing on the anger. Say I’m sitting rambling and she’s saying nothing I’ll feel totally worthless and ignored and see nothing but red. I go out of control, and lose complete touch with the facts of the situation. Facts as in time of night, day ahead, persons around, anything at all. I can see nothing but that moment and how I don’t matter. And how come it doesn’t matter that I don’t matter?? This is selfish and disgusting and sometimes I really fool myself into thinking I’ve gotten better, until I haven’t. Until I fall privy to the toxic behaviour again. And so begins a deeper rumination of worthless self loathing.

Emptiness.
I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for, though despite having (finally) lost it all today after my girlfriend broke up with me. It hurts like hell, but I can’t say I blame her. Nevertheless, some days I’m just so sad. To the point of tears at the drop of a hat.
Other days, tears are replaced by snippy, short, biting anger. Nothings even happened but yet there I am waiting at the gates. That’s not a way to live, for myself and all involved. I don’t know how to stop this seemingly second nature uncontrollable feeling.

Thoughts of ending everything.
This is the most disgusting, and ashamedly horrifying bit. In moments of intense arguing, or if I feel shut out or like I’m about to be abandoned, I just want to end everything. I want to go into the bathroom and just pull the plug (literally). My girlfriend, now ex, shouldn’t have to deal with that unstableness. Nobody should. Because that’s what I am. Unstable. I know it doesn’t sound like I love her - because who expresses love like this - but she’s the realest companion I’ve ever known, the closest to whatever I think to be love is) and she makes me think, and laugh, and grow (albeit it doesn’t seem like it from this but I would’ve never known where to begin helping myself if it wasn’t for her.) 

I already felt
like a failure.
Confused.
Bad person
and now I’m just incomprehensibly heart broken.
The biggest idiot to lose someone so important to me. 
Though she deserves better and I despise that I want that for her regardless even if not with me.
Sometimes I think we both play a part in our dramas, because we’re both a bit emotionally and psychologically bruised - but other times I think of course it’s all me I’m just trying to be undeservingly kind to myself. 

Though she doesn’t want to love me anymore and wants me on the next flight out - I still want to help myself. For myself. I want to love and be loved. I want to be a good, kind person who loves hard. I want to trust myself enough to not spin out. To not be so insecure like I need to cling at any sudden thoughts (mostly made up) or signs (again, mostly perceived poorly and made up) - that I’m about to be abandoned. I want to act like I matter, so I can act like the people who choose to be around me matter too. I want to be able to not feel pressure building in my chest and puffing and puffing and puffing like I’m about to explode. I don’t want my emotions to control me anymore. I want to control them. But controlling them is knowing them.  And before I begin looking for therapy - I need to try figuring out the proper direction to head in the therapy realm.

I hope I don’t sound as disgusting as I feel and this group doesn’t hate me. I know I’m not a good person right now and I detest this screwed up version (hence the handle: Scr3wup33 - for screwup) - i really want to work toward being better. And loving more selflessly.
For those who read this at least, thanks for your time.