Hi guys, I'm a 19 year old male and I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and possibly bipolar disorder type II. However, I understand this is not the place to ask for a diagnosis, but I'm am almost certain I have some form of a borderline personality disorder if not full borderline personality disorder. I have multiple personas that I've noticed - the confident and cool personality, the anxious and nervous personality, the angry personality (very common). I'm slowly realizing what's causing me to switch between these things - emotional dysregulation, misunderstandings in my relationship with others, anger at my school work and work in general, anger at my family, the slightest criticism from anyone, people who don't have common interests as I do, people who try to use me, anger at those I love, anxiety from school work, fear of being abandoned and alone. So lots of angers yeah.

I've tried multiple medication - Lexapro (made me suicidal), Ativan (makes me relaxed but extremely worsens my mood swings after it wears out and gives me muscle twitches), Adderall (increased anxiety, was originally for my "ADHD"-like symptoms), Lamictal (made my skin itchy and increased my anxiety, was used for the bipolar disorder diagnosis). As I've noticed, medication has not been working well for me and it seems to have made my situation worse. I don't do drugs either. I hate drugs with a passion. My dad's side of the family has anger issues and my mom's side has anxiety issues. 

I'm a university student and I have a hard time maintaining my friendships. I hate the school I'm at because it is way too damn difficult for me. I get angry at people for the smallest reasons and it's driving me nuts. I stay at home when my personality changes and I game and recently I've been trying so hard to stay away from that. Gaming helps me get out of whatever I'm going but makes it worse in the end. It increases my anxiety and disconnects me from reality. I hate to say this but I masturbate way too often because it helps me calm down but it also worsens the situation in the end. I've been recently trying to stop that as well. 

My situation has continuously been getting worse and I really need help. I've been to way too many psychiatrists and they constantly misdiagnose me. I've been studying religion and trying to get my shit together. Listening to parents. Listening to people. Trying to figure out what to do in this god damn world. I just don't get it. It's like the harder I try the worser I make the situation. Been reading the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. Been reading How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Been reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Nothing for crying out loud is helping me. I'm so fucking frustrated. Not even my parents are dealing with my shit anymore. I constantly find myself alone in my room. And my anger towards those I love is reaching its peak. It's fucking pathetic I know. It's sad really. I just don't get what I need to do because for crying out loud I took psychology in high school and we learned this term called LEARNED HOPELESSNESS. I keep wanting to drop out of college and I keep losing friends and I keep getting angry at them and thrashing them out of my life. This is how I lost my first and only girlfriend (long-distance because lots of BPD people nowadays seem to be getting into long-distance relationships and I don't seem to be an exception). 

I really don't know where I'm going with this post but I need your help. What the fuck am I supposed to do. I'm going nuts. I hate my life and I don't see where it is going. I want to drop out of college. I keep wanting to move to another state. I keep fearing losing those I love (even though I get so fucking mad at the most). I have rounds of depression and anxiety. I have trouble maintaining a good sleeping cycle (staying up late, waking up late). Please help. I've been trying to read Dialectical Behavior Therapy books (The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood, Jeffrey Brantley), they've helped a little bit, but I can't handle all that I'm going through right now. Please help. No I'm not suicidal but I keep making impulsive decisions that I regret. 

