Do you ever find yourself wanting to die because you couldn't buy something ? Not because you need it because you're spoilt or whatever, but because it defines you? I planned on buying a table with chairs and a small loveseat because I am moving from a furnished place to an unfurnished one. I have my mom's old table available, and one purple chair from my grandparents living room. No chairs, only one place for living room seating. I imagined moving in and all of us (my mom, her husband, and I) wanting to sit down, I knew I needed more chairs. I found a table and chair set that I really liked, and it came with a small 2 seater sofa/loveseat. Perfect. Nope. I told my mom and she exploded at me how I'm so ungrateful and just want to use their money to buy unnecessary things - I have a table and one living room chair, I'll be fine. Well the table and chairs I found online fit perfectly in with the build your own furniture I've procured to supplement the furnished place I have been living in. I was creating this layout in my mind and just got obsessed with it. It felt like home in my mind. Then this morning when I told her and sent her pictures she got mad, told me I didn't have the money, and said it was too expensive. It's like 150 for a table and set of 4 chairs, and 75 for a loveseat sofa thing. That isn't crazy to me... the build your own furniture is all 50-150 for goodness sake. But she doesn't think it's "quality". I understand she likes solid wood, but the things I can even afford are never solid wood and my style. And having a space or wearing clothes that I feel express me and represent who I am is like the only way I have a shred of self confidence. All my other furniture (besides the build your own shelving I've purchased for this place) is solid wood they've happened upon throughout the years. I don't like how it looks, but I appreciate having it. Why not spend the same money on a secondhand table, chairs, and sofa thing that I like? If it's quality and I hate it, and it's just as much if not more money what's the point of it?? I get it, but I don't. I felt so rejected like I'm not even worth having kitchen chairs. It feels like I'm being told "We don't have money in the budget for you to sit at the table that you will have, oh, and the things you picked out and really like are garbage! You ungrateful garbage child!" She was telling me how she has bills, and they're going to help me with rent until I get my job set up and that alone will be a struggle for everyone (recently graduated and trying to be more stable than mentally ill thanks to meds).

I don't know. I left the call and I've just been... fantasizing? about killing myself ever since. Just leaned back in my chair and like imagined how it would feel to just be limp and have blood pouring down my throat or wrists. Just thought about how I have knives and a window (second story place) and how I could just end it. How I'm just such a worthless burden piece of garbage. And an entitled one at that. The last time I took my benzos it shifted me into this type of thinking even worse, so I tried my random sleep anxiety pill prescribed like a year ago because I was desperate. Just doing anything I can not to have to consider myself actively suicidal. I don't want to have to call my therapist in a crisis because my mom told me not to buy a table for goodness sakes, what the fuck is wrong with me? I feel like such a damn burden just by being alive. But it's fine. It usually just passes and I feel stupid and dramatic and like a little spoilt princess who uses drama to just get whatever she wants and won't be happy without it.