I feel like I don't know myself. Like there's some half of me I still don't know about. I know I want to die, but I don't feel it. I know I hate myself, but I don't feel it. Its like they're just facts about someone else, but occasionally I am that someone else. Sometimes it all hits me at once and I'm stuck panicking about how I managed to get stranded this far in my life with everything going so poorly. Its this inescapable fear that everything is doomed and I'm irredeemable as a person, and then all of a sudden it's gone. I no longer am that person. I can still ask myself if I want to die, and some part of me will always tell me yes. But I don't feel it. I'm not the one answering myself. I'm just getting a true statement about someone who isn't me. Or sometimes I'll just lose all trust in people. I'll be convinced that all my friendships are dependent on me never actually opening up to people about how I feel, and that my parents just look down on me as a sad, failed child they can't bring themselves to help. And like before, it's gone. Those statements still feel true, but i don't think about it. I'm not worried about it, and I can still talk to those people as if it's not a statement I myself made about me.