I've always been pretty obsessed with celebrities. And I don't mean "celebrity culture". I give zero shits about the Kardashians or any of that crap. But what will generally happen is, I'll watch a movie and really like it and find a male character EXTREMELY attractive and so the obsession begins. When I was a teen, it sort of made sense. I was a "fan girl", had posters all over my walls, geeked out with my besties about it, write fan fiction. I remember one instance where it seemed extremely abnormal. I was 12 when The Matrix came out. I remember renting it from the video store which was an overnight rental. I think I watched it at least 4 times. When I had to take it back, I cried that night, I was so so upset without it... why?

But now I'm 32 years old and I STILL do this. It scares me. I become so so involved with this person (right now it's Jake Gyllenhaal) and I will look up and watch every damn Youtube video with him in it, write fan fiction about him, pretend to be in interviews with him either in my writing or the fucking shower like a complete nut case. And then...I get so intensely depressed because "he's not mine, he's perfect and untouchable and I'm just me and it will never happen" and that just destroys me. I'm so crushed and in a hole of self hate that I begin to restrict food, want to exercise a lot, look better, try to be pretty and perfect (basically get as close as possible to someone he'd like). Which is INSANITY because how on earth do I know what he likes?? And why do I care so much? I just think about him constantly. Or I think about him watching me do my art or whatever else and how he perceives me as this amazing person.

It just keeps happening and it's getting worse. I've done a bit of research but not much from actual sufferers or those with mental illness. And that's where this becomes even MORE complicated... Because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, Generalized anxiety with panic attacks, major depressive disorder and an eating disorder. Basically, I'm a hot mess. I'm seeking treatment but honestly, I've only touched on the "celebrity crush" stuff in group therapy a little bit and I'm intensely ashamed of telling anyone. 

So I get that it seems to be a form of dissociation and like fantasising/daydreaming and maybe it connects with the validation aspects of BPD and also the intense emotional responses and emotion dysregulation of both BPD and ADHD but I'm just...so lost. So, so lost. Ashamed. Alone in this. I really need some feedback. I'd appreciate it so so soooo much.