I should mention that I was diagnosed fairly recently, so if I'm unaware of or misusing certain terms, I'm sorry, please let me know.

Lately I've been looking back on a lot of failed friendships from when I was younger and I just feel awful. Most ended terribly and that's mostly because of me and my inability to take care of my emotions, my habit of clinging onto people and friend groups even when our relationship is going south (or more accurately, when I start to act up and refuse to seek help for it, usually ending in me having a break down and expecting everyone else to just magically understand what's wrong and how to help), generally being a hard person to be around (at least when I was younger), and usually hanging around people I don't actually like and just hoping things will go ok because I'm that desperate for meaningful friendships (and as a side, I usually grossly misinterpret these friendships, reading what's at best a casual connection over something as this deep meaningful friendship).

In the case of a lot of these friendship endings there was sometimes a "oh I should not have acted like that, I'm sorry." closure moment but for most of them there just wasn't, and that's what's really been bothering me, that I not only freaked out on people like that, but it was ultimately our last contact. I've talked to other people about it, I'm seeking professional help, I'd like to think I'm getting better, doing fine, and generally becoming a better person, and am trying to put a lot of these friendships into perspective (most were online friendships in my teens since I was fairly sheltered, and as I mentioned I was not nearly as close with these people as I genuinely thought, and if they do remember me in any meaningful sense, they probably don't hate me the way I assume they do) but I don't if any of that has been making me feel better. Looking back on it in an honest sense, these people weren't great either, and I don't think I really want to go back and contact them again out of nowhere just for closure (it's been years at this point), but I can't get out of this mindset that they were all just these great people who never did anything wrong or treated me poorly and I'm a monster who fucked everything up, even though I know that's not the case.

Ultimately there was a lot of factors that caused these endings but what I'm looking for support on is: if there's other people who've gone through similar, is there any way for me to really forgive myself or just get over it? It's been eating away at me for a while, I can't look at current relationships with people without coming back to it or worrying that everyone will somehow know what happened and abandon me because of it, even if I've changed.

Sorry if this became more of a vent post than a seeking support post, and sorry if this isn't exactly the right subreddit as I'm aware a lot of this probably has to do with my (at the time of these events, undiagnosed) BPD.