I (20f) am an only child of a dysfunctional family
My dad was diagnosed with OCD about 17 years ago and my mother has been living with Generalised Anxiety Disorder since 6 years. Their marriage is completely dysfunctional, my father is completely apathetic towards her and she is constantly angry and abusive towards him. My mother suffered a lot of physical and mental abuse from my father's parents and has no social support system (no job, no relatives she likes, no friends) and my dad has gone completely numb. All this has made her bitter and him completely absent as a father.

There was a lot of pressure on me since childhood to perform well academically and be successful, because "I was my mother's only hope". 

On top of that there was a lot of pressure to maintain peace within the family. My mother used to beat me and verbally abuse me to get to my dad and used me as a mediator.
She would run away from the house just to "show me and my father what life without her would be like"

after she was done, she would compensate for it by buying me gifts and junk food.

Soon I found happiness in food and grew into a fat teen
Naturally I was bullied and insulted at every point in school. 

My mother was a complete dilema, sometimes she would abuse me so harshly and sometimes she would make me feel as if I was the most special child in the world who deserved the best. And pamper me with gifts and affection
And hence, since the age of 11-12, I developed an intense feeling of grandiose. And whenever I felt I wasn't appreciated enough by my teachers or given 'my due credit' I would get super jealous, and cry my eyes out and feel worthless for days. 

By the time school got over, my self esteem was sooo low, that I literally asked a crush after a date, what part of my body he didn't like. And he went on to describe how he "saw the shape of my breasts and was instantly repelled"
And I still continued to be friends with him for 3 years

I became super desperate and sad after that and started dating a guy, who was the above mentioned crush's best friend

We had a nice relationship in the beginning, but he wasn't as warm as I would've liked him to be
And I was very envious of all his ex crushes (because the gestures he said he had done for them, he wasn't doing for me and they were very better looking than me) and would start crying even if he mentioned anything nice about them

But anyway, we did love each other a lot and made each other laugh and comforted each other 

he made a promise that he would stay with me, in the same city till the completion of my course. 

But he broke that promise and told me that his plans had changed. He was overweight too when we started the relationship, but lost a lot of weight and had made fun of mine once and would talk about larger bodies with a lot of disgust. All of these things just took a toll on me and made me very insecure (he had difficulty orgasming during sex with me and I blamed my ugliness for it)
 
one day I ended up abusing him verbally and breaking up with him after he said that he probably didn't love me the same as he did earlier
 
after it I begged him to take me back but he didn't.

That shook my world

Since then, I have gone to therapy, I broke off with friends who I thought were not a good influence, confronted my mother about her abusive tendencies and am genuinely trying to be a better person and not let this brokenness become my identity....but it's just so so so hard sometimes
I wish i wake up one day and all of it turns out to be a dream...I have been wishing this since I was a 5 year old.