Okay, I know my title sounds weird, so please bear with me.

I've been beginning to recognize the fact that I've been going through different intensities of disassociation for a few months now. For maybe a whole month straight, I felt like I wasn't *present* in any of my current moments. I remember examining the leaves crunching under my feet as I walked from my job to my car, and thinking about how I'm not really *here* ... maybe just as much *there* as I would be recollecting that particular memory.

Anyone who has experience disassociation seems to go through the same thing. I feel very safe sharing these details with you, r/BPD, because I know I'm not alone. 

However, what I'm about to describe, I'm not sure if anyone might have experienced before or not...

I was glad when I "snapped out" of that level of intensity of disassociation. I knew I wasn't 100% grounded, but I felt "here" enough to not be bothered by the fuzziness and general lack of concentration (above my already existing ADD/ADHD) .. I mean, it sucks to be in a fog a lot, but it's better than feeling like I'm *here* in a fog, rather than *watching myself* in a fog.

I feel silly typing this already. So, so, so many people would not understand. But I keep telling myself, I've read enough of this subreddit to know many people will be able to follow through despite sounding nuts to a "neurotypical" person.

Anyway, here comes the weird part that I worry no one else has experienced:

Despite feeling mostly grounded, I went through a semi-traumatic incident about three days ago. I don't want to get into too many details and get off topic, but basically I dealt with severe aggressive behavior at my job for the first time. A large part of me was relieved, actually, because I've been anticipating having to go through it at one point or the other, and I'd rather *know* how bad it is than wonder and worry. I also felt proud to get through it without being a baby about the injuries. (I'm extremely sensitive pain wise, but the adrenaline and the extreme desire to calm the person down so prevent them possibly getting hurt allowed me to focus.) So... all in all, I have a few bruises and cuts, but I feel proud for handling it well, and I'm thrilled I used my trained techniques correctly and the person sustained no injuries whatsoever.
(Please don't ask me for more details, this is not the focal point of my post. I'd be cool talking about my job another time, but I don't feel comfortable taking the chance of writing something that could be misinterpretated in any way to poorly reflect upon the wonderful field I work in.)

However, it was necessary to include that bit of information, as something very strange happened to me within the next day. I felt a general uneasiness, like something was off but I couldn't remember what. Kind of like a nagging, "Did I live the stove on?" type thing, but not quite as dangerous as a fire. I also felt uneasy in my own skin, and realized I couldn't handle my anxiety as well as I have been managing to do this far. I felt like I was falling apart.

I knew that it wasn't directly because of what happened, but I think that my experience "snapped me out of" my consistently low level of dissaossication that I previously did not notice. It was low enough to feel a sense of control and consciousness throughout my days, but high enough to feel slightly "ligher" than all the pain that lay on the ground beneath me.

I know disassociation is not a good thing. I remember how bad it can get (and shit bricks thinking about the even worse stages it can lead to) ... But apparently I was able to disassociate on a smaller level that actually worked as a coping mechanism with my current misery. I'm not saying it was beneficial for anything in the long run, but.... I think it was making a pretty decent band aid.

So here I am, feeling "grounded", and in such a cynical, miserable, pathetic state of mind that I'm snapping at anyone I don't have the time/patience to explain things to. And for the one person who I do talk to, well... They just don't get it, and can't handle it. I don't blame him, he is currently undergoing depression too, but... I feel so alone.

I feel like there was this small, nice amount of fog that followed me around for the past few weeks... It blocked out all the things that drive me over the edge, and kept me... "my version" of "so-so" ..
But without that, I see very clearly all the things that eat me up inside. I feel the pain more intensely, as though the fog almost acted like a pain-killer, and the pain was merely an unpleasant "pressure" -- where as now I am feeling things very rawly. (I know that is not a word.)

I'm rambling, it's going on 4am. I'm not doing well. I keep going in and out of different states of desperation (thinking about ways to cry out for help) to cynical mindsets, to just pure sorrow (sobbing, feeling hopeless and trapped) ... It's hard to think well enough to write coherently. And I apologize. Usually I am a better writer than this, despite my ADD. My brain may be a bit scrambled, but I love finding (even if it means learning) the perfect words to describe how I feel so that readers don't just get a description, but a painted picture of sorts where they can (hopefully) really think of things from my perspective.

But my head is spinning, I'm not quite sure what I'm saying at this moment. I'm sorry.

TL;DR: Has anyone else experienced (small) trauma that "snapped them out" of dissociation that they were unaware they were even experiencing? And did this have an negative impact? 

Thanks,
BD