Dopamine, the chemical that causes each one of us to viciously pick up that electronic tablet every time it summons us with a vibration. We crave it, feed from it and lose control when we lose it. Everyday we become slaves of our own envy "Daniel has just checked in to that village you have been too poor or busy to go to."

This is the perspective of my life, obviously it is a bias view but it might allow a glance for others what a experience of depression and anxiety effects a person. Hopefully I can manage a weekly post on how each area of my life effects me and the decisions I made that eruptted this dark time. 

From childhood neglect and days without food or electricty to meeting the girl of my dreams which drove me to be living in my nephews bedroom and only seeing my child once a week. 

Each action I know I was responible for but the endless case of that chemical feeling drove me digging deeper in a pit of destruction.

I am now celebrating my 27 birthday alone and disattached from everyone. This is my post to encourage..no warn you. Stop chasing the dopamine, and recycle what ever good you have in your life. Encourage yourself not to hate what you are but accept it. 

This is my anchor, posting to randomers on a reddit forum to at least express myself instead of hiding the way I feel from others as the shun of the people who I would class as my friends and family would be twisted and effect my child visits and work.  Each day I battle, hang on the cliff of life for that little girl. Hoping it will feel better. Grasping the last fragment of my life that feels pure. No judgement from that girl just love for her father. No comments about my choices in life, just the comfort of someone who loves me being me. Which I betrayed when I left that home. Its wasnt her it was me. It was me losing the love for her mother who began to hate me and abuse me. It was me feel empty each time i sat in that house when she went bed. Not able focus on anything and crying because I could not give her the things other kids had. The stress of work keeping me up at night but knowledge it kept a roof over her head. Then I met T (name i will use) i felt open to her and chased the good feeling when I was with her. At first it distracted me from the things that i hated, but then it snared me. I forgot you for a split second my wonderful daughter in a chase of a dream and hope of my own selfish happiness. I can try make amend but i know the guilt of my actions and worst of it you wont know why dad really left. So mummy whispers hate into your ears about dad and the dread of a step dad being better than me fills like a dripping bucket. I will try do better.