_Not my actual account because it is known amongst friends._



Hey everyone, hope you're all doing okay!

Yesterday I came to the realization that I might be depressed without having been aware of it, if that is even possible. I showed egocentric behaviour yesterday but I'm pretty sure I'm not because I feel empathy towards people all the time.

I have a narrow focus. If I focus on something I forget most other things going on in life at the same time. I think this is why I have trouble with memory too. 

Yesterday my gf and I were together for 6 months. We were making plans to hangout in the evening but because we couldn't do it at her place it meant I'd have to pick her up and bring her back which is a combined trip of 120km's. As I have been careless with my money for far too long and have been driving way way way too much I decided I should stop driving back and forth 4 times for 2 hours of hanging out because if I keep it up it's just going to become way too expensive. Being so absorbed in my finances, I completely forgot about our being together 6 months. Normally that would be a reason to discard saving money and just go nonetheless, obviously. But it wasn't until it was already late in the evening I realized what a stupid fucking mistake I had made. How shortsighted and unconsiderate I had been towards my gf. I feel terrible about it. She doesn't deserve that and she was even being compassionate about me needing to stop being so careless about the amount I drive/spend. I absolutely hate myself for it eventhough it's not something I did on purpose, I just wish I hadn't fucking forgotten. She didn't and doesn't deserve it :( The thing is I was well aware of our being together 6 months, it's the first thing I told her in the morning, yet I'm completely oblivious to it in the evening.

She motivates me to get this problem I have sorted out because hurting her is the last thing I would ever want to do, yet I do it, just not on purpose.

I have a shitty sleeping schedule, and I almost always wake up with a clouded mind feeling dreadful. Even after a perfect night's sleep.

I eat terribly irregular. Sometimes I don't have breakfast or lunch, or both for that matter. I've lost 3kg whilst I have been working out, which means overall I just eat too little.

I lack motivation in my education and I'm experiencing (mostly social) anxiety. I'm the last person to be anxious I always thought of myself but I figured I just changed and am an anxious person now. However, when I talk to childhood friends I am not anxious at all and I am reminded that I used to be like that in every aspect of life. Open, not anxious, extraverted. Nowadays I fuck up conversations with people in the gym because it stresses me out. The person I was is still here but I'm struggling immensely to be at peace with the way I am as of this moment.

I thought these were all just things that changed in me and that I had to fix myself, but I'm beginning to feel like something has to be the cause of this, because despite my efforts I cannot seem to get out of it. 

The struggle has been going on for since before covid and it is dreading me. I'm tired of it, I want to just be lively self again, which sometimes comes back for like an hour at random. I want to stop hurting my gf by forgetting things she (and I too for that matter) value.

What do you guys think? Is there an underlying cause here? Or do I just need to stop thinking so much and start giving my all to get out of this regardless of how it makes me feel? Thanks in advance everyone, stay well.