For years I’ve been doing really shitty things as an excuse to hate myself. When it started it was just masturbating to weird shit on the internet, it didn’t really affect anyone but eventually I started hating myself for it. At the time I was thirteen and didn’t really know what I was doing but when I figured it out I thought that it was disgusting, that I was a creep and there was something wrong with me. Realistically I know that there isn’t too much wrong with what I was doing but the shame surrounding masturbation and the lack of information still makes me feel bad about it.

More recently I’ve been doing things are really awful. For a few months I started shoplifting until I got caught, (the police weren’t involved and it sort of went away) I started taking things from a family members business, (I’m not even sure that if they found out about it they would consider it stealing but is is) and I blow every small blunder I make out of proportion to the point that thinking about it makes me physically angry. 

Every time I do these things I think that I deserve to get caught or have some sort of consequences, but I never do, and there are never are, and I just keep doing things that I know I will hate myself for almost immediately, but I never stop because I think that I deserve some kind of consequence whether it’s by some authority or my own self loathing.