It's been almost a month since he left me. It was not too long after his birthday. I had just got done spending countless hours on a personalized gift. I have it to him with a warm heart. I felt like I made up for the last birthday I slacked on, and I made sure to put extra love and thought into it. I felt good giving it to him, that we were doing well... Then a few days later... A few hours before I went to bed... On what seemed like a normal night... He suddenly broke up with me. Despite his love for me, he knew logically our relationship wouldn't work out and finally found the strength to speak up. 

The four years I've known him went down the drain that night... 

He wanted to remain friends, he assumed we would. As much as I wanted to, I knew this was a terrible idea. I knew that from this point on, the one I loved the most in the world would become a trigger. I also know the general rule that being friends with your exes simply doesn't work out... My rejection upset him greatly. We didn't want to let go, but we had to. 

At times I get bitter...  When the pain hits me like a ton of bricks, I wish him ill. I don't actually mean it, but part of me hopes he misses me and suffers bc I am. I don't want him to find another, and if he does, I want him he still miss me terribly. That no matter who he is with, he can't get such deep and passionate love he aches for. I want to be his one and only soulmate. But when centered, I do actually wish him the best even if I'm dying inside. I'm doing my best to let go of my bitterness, but I'm only human. 

My life is hellish in so many ways, and he was my only light. He was the only one who tried to understand my complexities. Any crazy bpd emotions he was patient with, enduring. I felt blessed. He let me love him like a  raging fire. He held me when my soul felt like it was draining from my body. He called out to me before I could end my existence. I became dependent on him bc he was the only thing that could ground me, he was the only thing that made me feel real, loved, alive, special, worthy... I told myself as long as I had his love, I'd be okay no matter what... Now he is gone... And is so scary...

That isn't the scariest part. The void is. Having bpd means you are scared of abandonment, and one of those reasons is bc people become part of you. You need them to have a self. He is gone now, and after years of him, I feel like I no longer know who I am... What roles I'm supposed to play, what personality traits are the correct one. I feel like nothing without him bc I am nothing without him. I can meditate for days, and find only whispers of a self. I was so wrapped up, now that I'm without him... I feel so empty bc I am so empty. My thoughts are confusing now without a ground where he used to stand center. I don't even know what to think about since I was used to thinking about him during all my free times. He admired this in me, he helped fueled it, and the more wrapped up I got, the more passionate I became. 

Now, I have no where to direct my love, pain, lust, fear... Anything. Hobbies and art aren't working, my friends are limited, and I'm quiet since when I have talked about it, I turn into a pile of oversharing emotional vomit. So, I must stand on my own.

I feel like I'm trying to put the pieces of my heart and identity back together, but every time I attempt to pick up a piece I stab myself. I know healing taking times, but I keep screaming in my head. I want to tear off my skin since this pain is unbelievable. Everything reminds me of him. I want him back, but I can't have him back. I have to accept he is gone. There is maybe a way I could get him back, but logic tells me no. I know we can't be together, I know it won't work out, but I love him so much. 

I want him to say my name again. I want to laugh with him. I want to please him. I want him to make me feel like I have a soul again... 

I didn't just lose a love, but my best friend and myself. 

But he is gone, and I'm left staring into a void that will painfully consume me.

*I love you so much... Please don't forget me. You may be the only one who will ever see me and love me so deeply. Please let the part of me that died still live on at least as memories. Please...*