After a breakup – my first response to abandonment is always burn the bridge til it's gone. I feel like I have an out of body experience – dissociate if you will – and I turn into a cruel person that my ex wouldn't even recognize. I just feel so dead that I'll say anything to them. Poke at all their insecurities, wish death upon people in their life, the more extreme the better. It's just so easy cause it's all over text. I feel so great after, and even justified. Like I avenged myself of the hurt you just caused me. I'll run on that feeling for a couple days or weeks and then I totally break down. I feel guilt shame confusion. I realize just because I hurt them doesn't mean the pain of abandonment goes away. Then the real misery begins. 

This is a cycle I've repeated god knows how many times w boyfriends. Every single time I say I'm not like that anymore. But old habits die hard.