I saw my ex for the first time last night after six months. Let me just say..we are gay and the gay crowd seems to be a bit more wild than your typical scene. I ran into him at the club and then he grabbed my arm and said "let's go to an after party downtown!"

I was drunk so I went along with it. We ended up at a swanky highrise. I have no idea who the homeowner even was. The place was filled with drag queens and quirky people. I've been having a really hard time getting over this ex. I feel like last night was one of those "bow down and let it be" moments. My ex kept kissing me. He has an open relationship (from what I could gather) and these very attractive guys associated with him kept kissing on me too.

Yes, the attention is good. But, it lead me into that negative sense of feeling comfortable when I should have had my guard up. Drugs were being admistered left and right. My impulsive self gave into this temptation.

A hippie couple ended up driving me back home..and my ex rode along. He came into my apartment and went up to my bedroom immediately like he wanted to find something. It was weird. Then he yelled out, "ahhh this place has always felt like home!" and he started loving on my two cats. 

I was happy in the sense that we were not on bad terms anymore, but something felt off. He texted me "you're the love of my life" about two hours before to my phone. Then, at my apartment, he gets a call that I hear..some guy is at his apartment and he tells him to unlock the door with a hidden key. This is at 5am by the way...

The ex says that he loves me even after that, then says he's got to go home to meet up the guy that's there...and has to add on to that "yea we fuck too."

The hippie couple complemented a painting I had made and my ex said, "I bet he just bought that." Insulting. 

I understand that most people probably think this sounds like a strange scenario..it's not normal. But, it seems semi normal in the lifestyle I live in. It's just difficult to deal with acting "okay" and seeing your ex that was kissing on you all night...go home to some random dude...when his other "partners" in his other relationship are with random ppl as well. It's like the swinger scene from the '70s has come back....

One of the things I've noticed with bpd is that we are way too forgiving. At least I am. I can see the toxic and unhealthy aspect of someone, yet I feel the need to mend things...to feel connected again. I can't let go of people easily. I put myself into situations that are bound for disaster, yet I ignore that and go along with it...then end up being hurt. Why? So confusing. 
