Tw just in case// mention of death and self-harm (?)

I used to describe myself as just a really chill person, and people who know me have agreed for the most part, but lately I’ve kinda realized that most of the time I just… don’t care about anything, but I know I can care about other people. I know I can care about things I enjoy.

First it was little things I noticed.

If I’m asked what I want for holidays or my birthday, I don’t care what I receive or if I don’t get anything at all.

If I’m asked where I want to eat, I don’t care. Choose whatever.

If my favorite bands stopped making music, I wouldn’t care

If my favorite novel, webcomic or manga series stopped, I wouldn’t care

Then slightly bigger things.

If all my friends decided to never contact me again, I wouldn’t care.

If I end up never speaking to anyone again or building new relationships, I wouldn’t care.

If today was my last day on earth, I wouldn’t care.

I don’t care if the skin I keep picking at has a high risk of getting infected if I keep doing it.

I don’t care if not eating the right things while I’m young will be detrimental to my health later on.

I don’t care if I can’t ever get therapy or a proper diagnosis for anything.

Stuff like that.

Even with big things like what goes on with politics, lgbtq+, and what shows up on the news overall, I just can’t bring myself to care deeply like I see a lot of people do. I *know* I should care more. I know deep down I do. I still have my opinions and beliefs, I know some of these issues I see can affect me directly and even put me in danger, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to care enough on my own. It takes the emotion and drive I see from other people to get me to care more.

Idk. It feels like I have to push myself to care about these things to match how much others care.

I also have trouble expressing my emotions irl. Online and through writing or text, I can do it just fine. Irl, it feels like I have to push myself a bit to show my emotions more clearly. Even when I naturally smile and laugh, my face feels off in a way and I have to make sure I’m not grimacing, or check to see if it reaches my eyes. A lot of people have pointed out that I look “dead inside” when I smile.

I feel like all of this might be related to trauma. I do remember being more expressive as a kid. Maybe I feel the way I do now because I’ve suppressed my emotions or something. I’m not sure.

Even now as I write this, I don’t care about how this could affect my future if it is something that I should get help for. I’m more curious to see if this can be defined as apathy or not, and to see if anyone can relate in any way.