It started when I was 12 or so, I don’t remember what it was like very well back then, but I do remember dodging responsibilities and I got bored of things I used to like etc. I believe it came about after rejecting Christian religious beliefs after realizing it’s just a mythology that the indoctrinated indoctrinate to young, naive children. I got professional heath, and felt better. Got depressed again after a while, but this time with suicidal thoughts. I got professional heath again, but that did me nothing. Though I did overcome this episode after about a year or two. I had slowly started to get “back on track”. I started with my hygiene, then with my school grades. Fast forward a few years of being an A+ student and I am realizing that my depression has never left me. I am an agnostic and I often contemplate things when I am bored (which is a lot). I have been getting the symptoms I had at the very start, boredom and a sort of restless-tiredness. On the weekends I sleep 15 hrs or so, I find something to do and get bored in 15 minutes. Everything in my life seems like a boring chore that never ends, like a grind for nothing.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then I realize how stupid it all is. I cant stop thinking about how nothing matters and everything I do is meaningless. I wonder what I’m even still here for. I don’t have anyone I care about enough to keep living, I don’t have anything that seems worth waking up and doing all the tedious chores of my life. The only thing keeping me from killing myself is the fear of messing up, and if the next plane of existence is worse than this one. And now any form of help is useless because in the back of my head I know being “mentally heathy” is another way of saying distracted and oblivious to the truth and reality.