I think I found a new coping skill.

I went to therapy because I thought I had depression but I was diagnosed with high functioning BPD instead. Suddenly everything made sense but now I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy.

I don’t want to learn how to feel again because I’ve grown comfortable with this emotional numbness that I used to hate. I don’t want to heal because I’m scared of what I’ll find inside*. I intentionally use my awareness of the toxic shame and self resentment to push away my feelings even more because I’m so numb that I can barely feel pain, sadness, etc so it doesn’t feel that bad tbh. And I decided to give up on happiness. I don’t even remember what happiness feels like because the happiness I feel is always accompanied by a nagging feeling of impermanence and emptiness. I also don’t think I can ever trust anyone to love me when I can’t even love myself and I want to be okay with that.

The biggest problem with giving up on my happiness is that I no longer have anything to live for because I think a lot of people live with the hope that eventually they will find happiness. So to avoid thoughts of self-harm and suicide I created an ambition to help orphans and fund/create an orphanage. It gives me something to live for and makes me feel like I’m a more worthy person. To clarify, I don’t like orphans or kids, and I don’t feel happy by helping others or seeing others happy.

So I guess what I’m asking is whether I’m wrong in thinking it’s better to give up on happiness? I’ve made peace with the emptiness and self-hate in me. 

*Part of the reason I’m scared of myself is that when I was younger (15ish) I think I had normal BPD because I lashed out a lot. I hate who I was before, I was manipulative, selfish, unpredictable, and I hurt the people around me. I feel that I’m a liar and a monster and even though I’m starting to come to terms with how it’s not fully my fault, I like who I am now more. I’m also scared to feel because I had a mental “break” a few months ago where I felt so much and it hurt so much that I actually wanted to die/hurt someone. This way it hurts so much less.