i \[f17\] am in a secure relationship with my boyfriend \[m18\] and i am experiencing the most intense jealousy i have ever experienced to the point it makes me rage and feel extremely uncomfortable to the point i want to peel my skin off. for some context: i have a psychologist and she has raised the point that i could possibly have BPD \[POSSIBLY\]. 

he has cheated on me once at a party he went to, it wasn't anything horrible but still stuff was done, that was probably around 2-3 months ago and he hasnt done it since then, from what i know. i have so much paranoia that he is going to leave me or that he is talking to other girls, where i check if his following gone up or checking his location etc etc. the jealousy gets so bad that one time i was on a call with him and he ran into his cousin \[f16\] and he decided to walk her to her work and i couldnt handle that he chose another girl over me \[ridiculous i know\]. sometimes the jealousy can become so irrational, for example: his friend's gf has an older sister who has a 1 yr old, and my bf would send me snapchat photos and videos of him with the baby and i couldn't handle that?? and got insanely jealous and felt almost disgusted toward both my bf and the baby. 

these feelings of overwhelming hatred towards the baby came up, and the babies mother \[f21\]. another thing that came up was feeling scared and jealous and angry toward the mother because i was scared my bf would leave me for her. to where i would make myself 'disappear', putting my phone on DND \[do not disturb\] so my bf's messages wouldn't come through etc etc. 

another time where the jealousy got so bad was when he went out clubbing with a group of his friends, one of those friends being a girl \[18\] who is the sister of the girl with the baby. later that night around 2am he messaged me saying he had to go and help her because some guys were talking to her and wouldn't leave her alone and that triggered my brain into an almost hypo-mania overload to the point i had convinced myself that i was god \[im not religious\] and that i was some powerful immortal being. i truly believed that, to where i was going to test how immortal i could be etc etc. 

the last highly irrational time where i was jealous happened today and is what made me write and post this to see if anyone experiences this or might know why i get like this, my bf and i were facetiming, and his family has a female cat, and he brought her in and onto facetime because he knows i love cats. anyway, the cat cuddled up to him and was walking on him etc etc and i had to look away from my phone and away from the facetime and camera thing because i felt this big wave of not only jealousy but this intense feeling of being uncomfortable?? where i couldnt make eye contact couldnt really speak and was being very distant towards him and the cat??? but as soon as the cat went away it was like i could breathe again and wasn't feeling jealous nor uncomfortable.

i dont know if i'm just a very jealous, possessive and toxic person or whether it could be more on the mental side of things, or if it's delusional jealousy etc etc. its so hard because in the times where im feeling jealous and uncomfortable/ possessive or whatever it may be, its almost like i feel disgust towards the situation and everyone in the situation \[e.g my bf and the cat, or my bf and the friend\] or even like anger or hatred. and then once the situation is no more i am back to my boyfriend being my most favourite person in the entire world. i feel like im sucha horrible person, i just want to know why i think and feel and experience things this way.