Tw:self-harm

So, this is probably going to be quite a long post. I'm really sorry if it triggers a reaction in some, I just need a place to vent.

So I 16m, am currently at my bathroom floor having a sort of a breakdown and I thought this would be a good place to ask for some advice or just anything really.

So I don't know when this all started but, it is going few years back for sure. I don't even remember what I have been doing then and every memory I have is really foggy so it may not be accurate. But I think my family is a mess. The few things that I remember are my father telling me that if I ever shaved my legs that he would break my legs(he said it in a joking tone), and that he would visit me in hospital if I ever became "fashionista" ( is it the right word in my country we use fashion cat, but anywas) he also said it jokingly. But it really hurt. And I remember him teasing me about always playing female characters in videogames and if I ever play male ones they are never masculine enough. My dad loves to joke so I don't really know if it is a real reason why do I feel like this.

 Then I have two younger brothers who I care about but I honestly just don't have the drive to spent time with them I just constantly feel exhausted and lazy, not willing to do anything. 
And for the end my mom is a really sweet person and I can always tell her everything(well for the most part), and I was really trusting her but a week ago we were talking and I said that I sometimes wish a car would drive me over, and then she said she thinks that I have those toughts becuase school is too boring for me, and that I just don't have to work enough.

 I haven't brought it up before but I'm pretty sure I'm gay( I'm in the closet), and while my dad is heavily against it(he made a joke once that he would always come to my wedding expect if I marry a beardie, seriously ot's weird translating words that aren't offical ,anyways) and my mom is pretty neutral about it she said she would need some time to process all information but at the end she thinks she would support us becuase we are her children.

 And for the last person, the person that I don't even know what I think about, is my only friend. We met in the forst grade of highschool and we got along pretty well for the first two months becuase we played similiar games, but after that short period, it all started to go downhill. I learned that she had a rough friendship with a spanish guy she met online and it really left an impact on her. But after we became closer she started to comment on my appearance as being really ugly, she started to bring out insecurities I never had(she always commented and still does about how my lips are really small) and while it never really left an impact on me it still hurt. And one night I can remember it clearly we got into an argument over something and I just had a tought to use old(they were unopened) razor blades and cut my tight and after that incident I periodically(every time I experience emotional discomfort) starter to cut my tights. I cried only once becuase of it, and my first tought after cutting myself for the first time and disinfecting a wound was that icy warm feeling was really comforting. After that I started to distance myself from her but I just don't have heart to cut her off first becuase we see eacother at school and secondly she is diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I'm worried what of something happened if I ended our friendship. 

And honestly right now I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm manipulating myself into becoming a victim that I'm all fine even though I know I'm not. At the same time I don't even know if I love my family even though I care about them alot, I'm super confused about everything and every memory in my head just becomes a foggy mess. I don't have any drive left for anything unless I have to or if it is something to relax myself ( I like to Bake pies for some reason). I just feel desperate and what is troubling me is that even though I suspect I have depression I'm still not sure becuase I can still feel happy when looking at funny content or playing games, but after those things end I just feel empty inside. 

Also sorry if it is unreadable english is not my first language and my emotions got the better of me.

Anyways thank you for reading and if you have some words to share I'm even more grateful.