I'm trying to be a support for my BPD sister.  But what I am almost certain of is I have it too, albeit more subtle.  The same patterns are repeating at yet another job and I don't know if I can handle losing another job because of my chronic social chaos.  I'm always having a conflict with someone.  

I'm trying to help my sister, to encourage her and be an emotional support.  And she's so much better.  And she's no longer on hard drugs.  But it feels like it's a joke because I am flailing too.  I have always appeared healthy when compared to other members of my family, but compared to most others outside of them, I am absolutely wretched.   I am flying out of control while trying to hold it together for her because she has no one.  Our parents are abusive and no healthy person can be around us for long term.  I appear like I have it together only because those in my life who have not become disillusioned with me have known me for less than 5 years or have been kept at arm's length. 

The cracks are showing at work and now I have finally had a colleague comment on it, after having an series of conflicts, including with them.  It's just a matter of time before it all falls apart again.  It will be just a couple more years until my partner's family  pulls away from me when they realize I am so reactive.  

I don't want to harm anyone like my parents harmed me.  And I thought I would be able to prevent the patterns by being aware of them.  And here I am suddenly finding that I have fallen into another toxic pattern again.  So perhaps I can't recover after all.  Perhaps I am harmful and will continue to be so.  Perhaps I am just making things worse by sticking around.  I see what people say about people with BPD.  It's what they say about me and my sister and it's what I have said about my mother.  We are not wanted.  We are toxic, we ruin the lives of others.  Stay away, they say.  Run for the hills.  We are waifs and queens and witches and we will suck you dry.

The only person I am sticking around for is my sister.  Everyone else will be fine when I'm gone.  Or most likely better off.