I’m looking for some sort of guidance, information, or reassurance. I believe I am experiencing dissociation or something of the sort. I feel like nothing is real and I have no emotion about anything accept the thoughts and memories of real life. I spend all of my time trying to get over my issues there is a large amount of information out there about others who are experiencing a similar problem and advice on how to get over it. 

However I have another problem which leads me to believe that I am a superstar case from all these people. I’m very undereducated as I have just begun doing research. My problems started when I was a sophomore and I am now 17. For a long time I told no one and just tried to deal with it on my own. Things got worse and worse until finally I told my parents and asked for help. They think I just have anxiety (which is true) but there is a lot more to it. I digress anyways I’m well aware of my ignorance as a 17 year old who just began research I just need some direction or information. I’m sorry that was a really long way of saying I’m undereducated in this topic. 

I digress, my other problem is the fact that I can’t speak my own words. It feels like all of my words whether speech or text are filtered before they are spoken or typed. I still have my own thoughts and I know that to some extent I’m still the same person I was before all of this started, but I’m unable to speak in my own voice. Also I don’t really know how to describe it but when I’m getting ready to talk in front of people sometimes I start speaking in my head in the voice that isn’t actually mine. The same thing happens when I’m getting really anxious or having an anxiety attack. It makes me feel like I’m going crazy. It has been this way for a year and a half and it’s really hard to explain but it’s been here and stayed here for a long time. It’s like I am acting really really well and I am unable to stop no matter how hard I try. I have thoughts and emotions and I think that they are completely separate from this “voice” or “act” that I’ve assumed but I simply can’t genuinely express them without them first being filtered through my “voice.” I really don’t know how to express this and I don’t know if anyone has followed or been able to relate in anyway but this has been my state since the winter of my sophomore year. I can’t make or keep friends because I can’t express myself or speak genuinely and all my words feel like they are coming out of the mouth of a narcissistic psychopath which I may be the farthest person from. Saying that makes me feel like a psychopath path but that’s what’s going on in my situation. 

I told my therapist and he didn’t really give me a clear answer as to what I’m experiencing means or is. I don’t know if that’s because he wasn’t sure or I didn’t communicate clearly (entirely possible) or because he didn’t want to tell me that I’m going crazy. I haven’t told my parents about any of this stuff. Not even the “I feel like the world isn’t real” feelings of dissociation which would be much more easy to tell them than I can’t speak my own words. I guess I don’t want them to think I’m going crazy which I think I might be. I know that dissociation is a very conquerable problem but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a different case which is incurable. I’m convinced I’m going crazy. I’ve been contemplating suicide for the past month. There was one week were I would try everyday to bring myself to doing it but I couldn’t. I atleast want to fight a little bit longer. I’ve decided that I will wait until I graduate high school and if nothing has changed I will kill myself. 

I’m looking for advice, information, or reassurance of some sort that I’m not the only one and that I’m not going crazy. I just need a little bit of hope because I’ve tried just about everything in the past year and a half and I’ve gotten no where but a darker place.