I'm very much in the throes of another depression. I've been struggling this summer and recently I felt like I was finally coming out of the tunnel but another inevitable setback has pulled me back down into the mud. I can't help but feel like there's no point.

I've been building up to opening a shop to sell some things from my hobby, but my living situation makes creation more challenging than it has to be. It's the unnecessary aspect of my hurdles that gets to me because they're almost always from an external source. It's true and important not to blame the world for your issues but it is proving difficult. I don't have the reservoir of fortitude that I used to have to cope and my fuse is extremely short.

For over a year I have been improving at my hobby while living off of savings. Prior to this I was in a committed but unhappy marriage. My tolerance has all but evaporated and I really need a chain of positivity to rebuild. It hasn't happened thus far and despite my best efforts, I feel like I'm just endlessly falling.

After some complaints and picking, I blew up and threw all my tools and projects out. I recovered them a few days later but the finishes on all my individual pieces is ruined and some of my equipment is damaged. I don't have the money to replace the damage and I don't have the energy to fix the pieces. I only live for my work right now and seeing my labour of love damaged like that made me cry. As a man, I don't cry, but I couldn't help it.

I'm equal parts filled with unbridled rage and hopeless despair. I'm halfway through my 30s now and I can't help but compare myself to everyone around me constantly. I had a bright future and I remain much more productive and perceptive than the people around me, but it doesn't seem to matter. My future was robbed from me and I will never forgive the people that hurt me. I don't find it convenient to forget and move on like these folks seem to.

I'm struggling so hard lately and I smoke like a pack a day. I don't sleep anymore and my health is deteriorating because of my unhealthy lifestyle. My grandmother's health has taken a nosedive this past year to the point that if she doesn't improve soon, she'll be gone too. This will be a great loss and I'm not sure how I'll manage. I feel like a wretched ghoul every moment of every day.

I feel very disappointed with mental health services and I have almost entirely negative experiences with them, despite stripping back my expectations to basically nothing. Last year I tried reaching out and managed to secure some regular counseling, but she announced one day that she felt she wouldn't be able to help me and fobbed me off to her colleague. I tried not to be upset by this since it strongly felt like she was just passing responsibility to someone else, but it's hard when you're already feeling dreadful. The new guy was very difficult to relate to, too, which didn't help matters.

The people I used to rely on for support are no longer around, no longer interested or just in different places in their lives. I can no longer relate to my friends and that makes me profoundly sad. I feel like I have been left behind in a sense.

I still try and I still struggle on. I do my best to improve my situation and pursue the activities that have historically helped me (walking regularly, trying not to let obstacles destroy my momentum, create, take care of myself, etc). It doesn't seem to matter though. It never actually gets better and I don't actually see improvement. If anything, I'm in a worse spot than I ever was. My health sucks, my habits suck and I don't feel good.

That's all.

Special shoutout to my ex-wife: Fuck you