I think I'm finally crawling out of a multi-week mania-tumble part-BD part-BPD breakdown that has frustrated my therapist, disconcerted my loved ones, and done some serious damage to my overall mental health, and it really weighs on me that it happened. I feel like any progress I was making just crumbled and it's strikingly upsetting to feel like I've gone nowhere, but at the same time...

I don't know how to put this. I look at my actions, and some of it is my mental health and situation, but a lot of my actions, reactions, and feelings are definitely rooted in some trauma throughout my life. They hurt to think about, and a lot of them cut deep, and when I sometimes feel detached enough that I can look at them, I find that it makes sense that in large part I'm the person I am today because of the scars I got yesterday. I feel this should make me feel determined to overcome them, but in a way, it's almost... comforting. As long as I have these mental wounds, it makes sense that I do what I do and I am who I am. And if I overcome them, but still do what I do and am who I am, I'm kinda... terrified, I guess, that the strange solace I take in knowing at least I have a reason I'm like this - I'm scared that that will go away.

And then what would I be left with? Just me being garbage?

But I think it's this fear too, that even if I overcome my trauma, I'll never overcome who I am because of it, that makes me reluctant to try either way - either to overcome my traumas or myself. At the end of the day I'm afraid that I'm a waste of a person and at the very least right now I can console myself with the fact that there are still active trauma wounds in my life, but if that goes away... I'm afraid that I won't be left with a better version of myself. I'll just be left with a bad me who has no reason to be bad, she just is. I'm almost afraid to get better. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Does anyone have any advice about this?