So I could just use some kind words, because I'm so angry with myself and I fucking hate dissociation so much.

I have several different part time jobs, and the biggest of those (and the one I'm most interested in/my degree is in) is all audition based.

So I had an audition today. I worked with this company all of this year, and they even gave me a small, extra workload to test me out. I'd say I've been doing just fine with that. Because of that, they pressured me into auditioning for a slightly bigger position. I declined, as those audition dates were much closer (a month ago, vs auditioning today) and I have 0 faith in myself as a person and decided to not take a huge risk.

Naturally I hated myself for that, however I pressed on a little and mentioned that I would love to be considered for those roles if there were any left by the today. I told myself that I could be better prepared by today. Everything would work out fine, and worst case scenario would be I get the same gig as last year.

Well 1.5 months, one death in the immediately family, one "I'm divorcing your father" news later, and one catastrophic downward spiral of overusing weed to suppress all my emotions and thoughts later, we arrive at today.

I was gonna use that time to broaden my repertoire and show off what I can do... nope.

I was gonna use that time to re-solidify my old repertoire... nope.

I was gonna use that time to get better myself and my technique... nope, weed fucked my voice up.

All the sudden I'm dissociating in a seat in front of the room where I'll have my audition when the judge steps out, looks around the room for the 5 people in front of me, doesn't see them, and calls me in almost half an hour early while I'm in the middle of not being fully attached to reality.

FUCK.

So naturally, I wander in dazed af, hand them my materials, and get started... only to realize that I forgot half my words because I got lost in my head again. Autopilot threw in some random nonsense words and words from other parts of my set, but then I did the really dumb thing; I start to fucking apologize and ask for a redo... in an audition.... at a very professional company....

Of course I get a no and am told to just keep going. I did, and things were kind of ok after that? But now I'm left sitting here wanting to kill myself because emotion brain is telling me that, even though I've spent this whole year working with them and showing them what I'm capable of, they now think I'm incompetent and worthless and won't rehire me. Not getting rehired will mean that my entire next year will just be wasted, and sitting idly by will mean I have no purpose, and no purpose coupled with all this stress means I'm not sure I'll make it. I feel like a complete idiot and want to self harm because I can't handle all these emotions and all this stress and still make it through each day.