Long post

I’m going to try to make this as concise as possible but it’s been months of stuff. I’m 22 and in grad school. When I was in undergrad I lived with my fp for 2 years, first in a group and then just the two of us. We were like best friends and we did almost everything together and it was awesome. We talked about moving to New York together after undergrad and everything felt almost perfect.

But I was obsessed with her and would constantly stalk her on Snapchat and check up on her and worry about her having other friends and me never being enough. 

When we lived in a group I was super depressed (more than usual) because I felt like all of my roommates had a million friends and I was alone. So I decided to try to graduate early to almost make them feel bad. Like “oh then they’ll realize how important I am to them”.

But when it came time to graduate it sucked. I didn’t want to leave. My fp was going to be living with other people. At first she was really sad that I was leaving and I was too. 

I should also mention that at this point I thought I had a crush on her and that’s why I was so obsessed but she was straight so it wasn’t gonna work. 
That summer my fp went to New York for an internship and I stayed at home. I had a really rough summer. I had gotten into one grad school and I wasn’t really happy with it. In my last semester of undergrad I had rediscovered writing and wrote an entire first draft of a book with the encouragement of my fp. Writing a book and being a published author has always been my dream. I wanted to take a gap year to write and live with my fp but my mom was basically going to kick me out right away if I didn’t agree to go to grad school. I wouldn’t be able to afford to live so I really didn’t have a choice. 

My fp came back and initially said she was really depressed. I was really depressed too. I wasn’t really making friends in grad school and I missed her a lot. 

Eventually she came out to me as gay and told me she had a crush on this girl on twitter who lived not too far. I was extremely jealous and basically hated this girl. Any time my fp would bring her up I would basically have a mental breakdown and scream at her and freak out. One time this resulted in me vomiting all over myself in the bathtub and calling someone from school telling her I was gonna go to the ER if she didn’t come over. I eventually told my fp I had a crush on her and she said she didn’t feel the same way. I felt terrible and kept having mental breakdowns over her. I eventually told her I thought I had bpd and she said that made a lot of sense. 

Not long after that I finally got into therapy through my school because I felt like I was actually going crazy. Also I don’t feel like I can tell my parents about this stuff. It took me 6 years to bring up the possibility of medication to my mom and even then she makes it really awkward to talk to her about it. So school therapy was really my only option. And it was SO GOOD. The person I got was amazing and super helpful. She helped me work through a lot of trauma and work through some of my emotions. But my school only provides therapy during the fall and spring so I can’t go back until September. Also my amazing therapist left to focus on her private practice so even when I go back she won’t be there.

Also during this time my fp got an absolutely once in a lifetime internship opportunity that would take her across the country (US... so far lol). I had done this before with her but this time it was so much worse, 7 months at least, not just a summer. I was really struggling with all of this to the point where she really just wouldn’t talk to me about it because she didn’t want to hurt me. 

She graduated and it was really hard for me because it meant everything I had known was well and truly over. It was also weird because I wasn’t even there and all my friends from undergrad were graduating and I was supposed to be with them but I had graduated early. She didn’t really talk to me about it because she knew I was going to have a hard time with it but I wanted to talk to her so bad. I talked to her about this and asked that she just tell me things even if she thinks they’re gonna hurt me.

About a week later we took a road trip to her internship. Leaving her there was really hard. My main worry was that she was going to make a million new friends. The road trip was about 2 months ago now, which is longer than it feels. Every time she posts something on Instagram I still lose it. She doesn’t talk to me as much and I feel like I’m losing her. I’ve talked to her about this stuff and she’s trying to keep me in the loop but it’s still not fun. Especially because the things that trigger me are just basic shit that people do. Like hang out with people and play games and stuff.

It’s also really hard because I don’t really have friends. The friends I do have don’t want to hang out a lot. So I’m really lonely all the time. I have internet friends who I love to death but it’s not the same. I also don’t really have a lot of interests separate from my fp. A lot of why we were friends was our common interests. Reading, games, Disney, Harry Potter, etc. And like I said, writing was always related to her. I’ve been having a lot of trouble separating myself from her and having a ~normal friendship with her. 

Basically it all just sucks and I can’t start therapy again until late September and right now I’m just waking up everyday wanting to die.