I always tell myself that people go through way worse things than I do. Sometimes I feel like a faker or that I’m overdramatic and that I’d be capable of more things if I wasn’t so lazy. I’ve struggled with most of my illnesses almost my whole life and when I was younger, I was much more functional. I always blamed my decreasing functionality on being lazy and overweight (I wasn’t even overweight until years after my symptoms started worsening, it ended up I had BDD). But all this to say, I think I’ve still been somewhat in denial about how bad things have gotten.

I rarely can leave my house because of my agoraphobia. I don’t take care of myself very well, I go days at a time without brushing my hair or teeth. I do my best to shower at least once a week but even that is very, very hard and so embarrassing. I SUCK at communicating with people. I’ve pissed off so many friends and family members because I “ignore” their messages. I do understand why they’re frustrated and I try my best to explain why I have a hard time communicating, though a lot of the time it’s a mystery to myself. Talking to people just stresses me out so I have notifications off 24/7, (I’ve had multiple panic attacks about responding to people so it just felt easier to turn off the notifications) I’m just not a social person I guess. I had to decrease my hours at work multiple times over the year because I have panic attacks trying interact with customers, especially if they’re mean to me, I’ll just have a meltdown. I only go in one day a week at this point and even then I have to call in half the time because I’m too terrified to drive there. Most days (pretty much everyday) I stay in bed or lay on the couch and watch tv (tv is my refuge, it helps me escape and forces me to think creatively. It’s the only thing that I still manage to get inspiration out of, weird and pathetic I know). On good days I can motivate myself to play video games which I really cherish those days. I take kratom to get the energy to clean the house which helps me feel productive. But most days it’s just me, the couch/bed, and tv. I also have been on a binge/starve pattern for years and it’s taking a toll on my body and I feel disgusting. I am stuck in my head pretty much 24/7, I stare at nothing for hours and it’s so hard to pull myself back out if I’m alone. This has been going on for so long and it’s only recently that I’ve realized that I am really not doing well. I guess I don’t pick up on these things very fast because most days I’m dissociated, apathetic, and numb along with having random, intense mood swings.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts how difficult it is for me to get appointments to see a professional. I’m not going to go into detail, it’s just very very hard for me to get appointments is all. My agoraphobia makes it even harder to show up. I want treatment so bad but I just haven’t found a place nearby that I can manage to get to on my own (yes I’ve tried getting rides before but it’s pretty rare for someone I know to have their busy schedule align with my appointments and I hate bothering people and feeling like a burden). I just wish I could do everything online, it’d make things so much more accessible to me.

I’m sorry if this whole thing has sounded like me complaining, I just feel so lost and seriously have no idea what to do at this point. I feel like I’m fading into nothing.