I am 18 and I’ve never been given a clear diagnoses. My psychiatrist says I have ocd qualities and doctors have said maybe I’m bipolar but no one of intelligence has ever taken time to understand me. 
Recently I’ve been off and on personalities. I triggered this with lsd I’m pretty sure. I went to sleep in a trance of memories, connections and self hatred. I woke up the next morning with a scared bastard living in my chest, and my head now has turrets. I think the same thing in loops, like I’m running into a wall over and over again. Songs are constantly in my head, probably 1,000 loops a day of stanzas and sounds.
I had my bad trip a month ago and went into psychosis. Things were much much worse than they are now, but qualities from my mental breakdown are still following me. I get triggered and scared so easily. I went to school to drop out today and I felt scared the entire time. My head is so staticky and panicky. 
my stomach is urgently sick most mornings. I didn’t wake up from a bad of a dream, I dreamt of travel, fleeing my home and kittens. I feel the worse morning and nights, like I’m going to die or be killed. ( the same type of feeling in my chest, I know no one is going to hurt me uwu )
 I’ve been talking in my little girl voice more often the past two days. Ever since I saw a kitten spazzing in the street on halloween I’ve felt like a scared little girl. Sometimes I pull myself together and talk in my monotoned voice, but it’s very hard to stay that way. 
I was driving to a smoke shop with my boyfriend and friend who were on shrooms. I would have asked my boyfriend to drive my car (he usually does, driving scares me) but I didn’t really have a choice. I was also the only one of age in the car, so I had to go in and buy it. I regret going in. I’ve already let the man at the smoke shop see my confusion, but I was acting even more delirious than usual. I began to talk backwards and mix up my words. I asked to buy three different things before I could come up with the right object. When he handed me the charger I asked for I put it in my pocket and nearly walked out. I felt stuck in embarrassment. I told him what I saw hoping it was a better explanation than what was in his head. He told me sorry for what happened. When I left I felt like a complete lunatic. I got into the car and began to cry saying how embarrassed and scared I felt. I couldn’t drive. I drove anyway but I froze at a stop sign and stayed there until I felt unfrozen. My friend and boyfriend saw the way I was acting and it makes me feel like a freak. I hate myself. I didn’t want anyone to look at me. I got us home safe but I was still feeling scared and helpless. My friend doesn’t understand because I have no explanation of what it wrong with me. Luckily my boyfriend is very understanding most of the time, he comforts and soothes me when I feel scared. He does acid or shrooms once or twice a week and can’t comfort me really when he’s under the influence. He often has had trips when I am with him. It makes me feel like a terrible person.
I’ve moved on from what I saw. I don’t think about it and cry, but the way I felt in the moment when I saw it happen hasn’t gone away. I have a hole in my chest filled with scared, gooey butterflies.

