I’ve kept my ‘close’ longtime friends in the dark about how mentally unstable I am because if they knew, they abandon me.
My college friends of 4 years no longer talk to me because I sabotaged those relationships for no reason. 
I’m jobless and I’m moving back home which will make me even more depressed because I don’t talk to anyone in my hometown anymore. 
It’s getting more difficult to fight off my self harm impulses. It’s gotten worse the day I graduated. 
I know even know who I am anymore. Over the past few months alone, I’ve bleached my hair, pierced my nose, and got a tattoo I no longer like. I feel like a chameleon who just adapts to whatever social scene I’m in. 
Its getting more difficult to make any new connections because I’m too self conscious about my ugly self harm scars on my arm and leg. The only thing that allows me to be social is drinking to the point of blacking out.
I hate everything about myself and there’s nothing I can do to changes myself anymore. 
Sorry for this rant. I don’t even care if anyone reads this. I’m really done. 