I’ve recently acknowledged that my overthinking of my dating life is really a mask for anxiety. It took me a while. 

I’ve had one too many encounters where I meet someone and we date for 1-2 months and then intimacy happens only for them to loose interest or just fade out. And time and time again, I blame myself. I think I was too easy, even if I waited quite some time to progress. Or I’ll start thinking “where were the red flags!” And I start to over analyze and look for the warnings–even when there weren’t none. 

And when I do meet someone I might be interested in, I do two things. 1. I tell myself “this won’t work out. It never works out so don’t get comfortable and don’t get used to it.” 2. I get hopeful. Hopeful of having someone and doing dating stuff. And when it ends I tell myself “how stupid of you to have wished for anything else or even dreamt of a more positive future. You knew it would end like this, so why are you sad?” 

And this pattern of thinking makes dating very tough. I’m a people pleaser and I crave a deep meaningful connection. But, I know I self-sabotage by perhaps going for the wrong people. Which leads to a thinking pattern of “you have high standards that don’t match you. You can’t have those high standards because you don’t even live up to them.” And this is sooo hard and drives my anxiety up. 

When an interaction ends, I always ask “what did I do?” When maybe it had nothing to do with me. And even if I didn’t officially date them and our interaction lasted less than 2 months, I inevitably feel hurt. 

Has anyone been there? Is there any dating advice for dating when you’re anxious individual?