I'm a mess, and I don't know what to do about it.

I (30M) have come to the realization that I have depression, and I've probably been dealing with it on and off for years without realizing it. I have a history of self sabotaging my marriage, probably some underlying feeling that I don't deserve my wife. I often feel like I don't deserve happiness because of how much easier my life was growing up compared to others.

I don't love myself; all I see are the mistakes that I've made, whether in my marriage, personal or professional life. No matter how much encouragement I've gotten I always have a negative thing to counter it, or I start getting defensive. I want to move past my mistakes, but every day I live with the consequences of what seems like so many of those actions or inactions and they continue to affect me. 

I know there are some people that are proud of the mistakes they made because those mistakes "made them a better person" or "made me the person I am today", fuck that. The person I am today is miserable, unhappy and constantly on edge that he's about to fuck something up. I hate the person that made all of those mistakes over the years; that person was stupid, insecure, naive and downright delusional at times. Why should I love somebody like that? Why should anyone?

Every major misstep in my life has been entirely my fault, not life being out to get me like how I used to think in my youth. I have no choice now that I'm older but to accept the fact that those mistakes were mine and mine alone, I can't deflect it onto anyone or anything else, and I hate myself for knowing that I'm responsible for every fuck up I've had.

I alone am the cause of every problem with my marriage, I'm ruining it with my negative thought patterns and low self worth. If I keep this up I lose her and my 4 year old son, and I'll never be able to raise him.

My wife has done all she can to try and encourage me and help, but I've made her reach the end of her rope because of the constant deflection I give her whenever she offers help. She doesn't understand what goes on in my head, she can't. She's not wired the same way as me, and all it does is cause an argument. I've gone through 5 mental health professionals in the last 5 years, and it's impossible for me to stick with one because I move so much through being in the military. I feel alone, my relatives are no help because some of these feelings I have is because of them and I'm becoming something of a black sheep (not relevant to this story). My best friend from home is incommunicado because he's dealing with his own personal shit.

So many days I feel mentally exhausted, or just waste the day. Hell, today I've all but ignored my son because I just don't feel it. I don't want to kill myself, but I do want to hurt myself, I've done it before.

I wish I could just put on an act and be convincing with it, or get a lobotomy, or something that would just let me get my head out of my ass before I lose everything.

I don't know what to do.