Covert incest sexual abuse survivors: acting tough/masculine and hiding femininity/sexuality 

In my house I started to hide my sexual energy and femininity to reduce the sexual energy my dad directed towards me. I also did this to protect myself from other family members (mainly my mom) who scapegoated and abused me.
I dressed in non feminine and baggy clothes. I lowered/Deepened my voice so people took me more seriously and acted like an alpha male—- direct, confident, angry, No crying, tough, aggressive, and acted like I didn’t care about others’ feelings. I chose to start hurting others first before they hurt me.
I think doing this for so long caused me to develop a hormonal imbalance where my testosterone increased due to raised cortisol. I started getting hair in atypical places and my voice deepened. I am also 5’10” and don’t have big hips. I wonder if these bodily changes were an adaptive development to protect myself.

The thing is this masculine and tough protector is not who I am naturally. I’d say underneath, I am a feminine and bubbly person but when I feel I have to protect myself, my masculine self comes out. The less time I spend around my family (where the trauma began), the more feminine I behave.

I want to show my soft femininity more and I want to reverse the atypical hair and deeper voice. Ugh. I want to wear feminine clothes and act feminine without fear I will be victimized and sexualized by creepy men or that women will be jealous and out to get me (like my mom). I want to embrace my sexual energy and not try to suppress and be ashamed of it. 

I am wondering if anyone else relates?
