Vent post.

Depression. I have always been depressed. There have seldom been a single day in the week where I can say I've felt truly normal. Sometimes, I'll have a burst of inspiration and reach new personal heights; but I always know that I'll go back to being depressed. I live on progress and purpose, progress manifesting through philosophy, ideals, and physical health; purpose manifesting through friends, family, and self-actualization. And still, it isn't usually enough - it's an insatiable void. I feel like I'm always treading water instead of swimming, or spinning my wheels in mud. 

Loneliness. I'm always lonely. It's hard for me to form real emotional connections with other people; even my only parent and family. This troubles me, because I've come to idealize the virtues of the father - Compassion, wisdom, endurance, selflessness, etc.

 Estrangement. I need people to share my care for, and the people unfamiliar with me are suspicious of me when I try to show I care for them, even in smaller ways. I have few friends, and my biological family are far away. My best friend is the only thing really rooting me to the world. I would be dead and gone otherwise.  It's too easy to estrange another.

Monotony. City life in America is a dull and archaic cycle. I wake up, shower, eat, brush my teeth, mill around, go to work, and go to bed; in no particular order. The walls are grey. The grass is green, but I can't see it. The climate continues to get worse. Humanity is on a path I cannot change to serious worldwide disaster. What is there, anymore?

Virtue. I live because I have to - for my best friend, my kindof-mother, and father. Nobody else quite appreciates and can see me for who I really am, and most days this is enough drive for me to continue going to work and continue helping my best friend progress and mature in life. Sometimes I can even be thankful for the curse that truly is depression - because it helps me sympathize with similar people. After all, I can't just get rid of it; but if I ever do get past it, I'll be better at helping others do the same. I'm in this situation now, and only I can save myself from it. Fine.