I'm 20 years old, I have wasted the past 8 years ruining my life taking drugs, dropping out of school/college and believing sex is a valuable thing in this world. When I was younger I did not understand how much time I wasted and I did not ever take into consideration how fucked up my head would turn out if I kept caring about jumping into women's beds and snorting lines of whatever powder I could get my hands on. 

I know it's my fault, I'm aware of the actions that led me to be the piece of shit I am today and I'm aware of how badly I've treat those around me and still do to this day. Nothing will change, I don't want it to change. Which will probably make this post confusing. Living my life is a way of self harm, I'm addicted to the darkness and I'm now addicted to the things that ruin me mentally and make me feel like a useless asshole degen. I like knowing if I keep pushing my head further and further down I will one day grow the balls to kill myself because I know that's how I will go out whether that be tomorrow or in 10 years time.

If I allow myself to die any other way than by my own hands my life was a true failure, I want to be remembered as the video of the guy on Wikileaks who put a hole through the back of his skull with a shotgun and I want people to laugh and spit on my grave. I love being hated, I thrive off of people's judgement I make decisions purely with the intent that someone may think badly of me for it. 

I feel way too aware of what goes on in my brain. My mental instability has become my personality and I'm very much at a point where I feel I may lean towards insanity before I die. I really do think it's karma what I've become, what I am now is what I used to ridicule. I'm a crazy adult stumbling down the street screaming in wooded forests to let out my anger and crying on park benches at 12am-6am. If it was my choice I'd be dead but it isn't my choice and I don't know why. There is nothing for me on this planet besides from volatile toxicity and belittlement of those around me. I have more to die for than live for. Strange one huh?