I think it's time I be honest with myself and admit I have substance abuse issues. I've abused xtc and weed in particular but now I've done speed for the first time on Tuesday, after a mental breakdown, and I hadn't slept in 38 hours and still felt great!! No urge to eat or sleep, Hella productive and energetic etc. 

Now idk if I've actually slept at all tonight, I definitely tried but looking at the state of how I feel and the pain, I most likely haven't. It's bc I took some more speed yesterday evening so I might be awake for God knows how long. I'm supposed to go skating today and maybe smoke a J with a friend and the idea of if is already making me feel exhausted and nauseous. My chronic pain is also flaring up :(

But, I also don't want to cancel and be a sad sack of shit all day. Was also planning to stay at a friend's place from Friday till Tuesday and just be really active, skate and horseriding n stuff.

Now, my real issue is knowing I'm gonna be uncomfortable all day bc of severe sleep deprivation and poor diet the past few days so I feel INCREDIBLY tempted to just use some more speed to survive. BUT, that's just gonna lead to me crashing even harder when I'm going to stay at my friends place like 2 hours away from home.

I'm too ashamed to tell anyone I've done speed at all, a few friends know I've abused xtc but I've stopped doing that so they think I'm good and I hate to be a disappointment so I just, don't say anything.