Ive never danced closer to the edge, feeling myself continue substance abuse (weed and alcohol) and knowing happiness in the few short times I am capable of feeling it, even for just a moment. 

Its similar to the feeling of just getting a gasp of air before being pulled back under into the deep depths of my self critical and over analytical mind. Ive created my own hell, and it is in my head. Music, distractions, writing, nothing helps. Im in contact with a social worker as therapy or counselor services are few and far between where I live, let alone the cost of appointments without health insurance (Universal Healthcare doesnt cover for whatever reason). 

I feel lost in my memories, lost in the thought of my future, and unable to stay in the present. Nothing will change until I try and help myself, antidepressants only go so far without attacking the root of the issue, and I have been struggling to find my roots for over 5 years now. I just feel done