Idk what else to title this post. Bc truthfully, I am scared. 

I am seeking help, im not self diagnosing but I have a feeling I might have BPD and idk where else to go to talk about this right now. 

I just had an event in my life that really opened my eyes to the fact I might have it. And it made me realize my toxic/unhealthy habits. 

Quick TW before reading. 

I ruined a relationship with this guy. We were only talking, but things were going so good. But then it’s like a light switched in me. I started feeling so empty and sad. And I always had derealization/depersonalization but it go sm worse. It happened at least once a day. I started to eat a lot less, my appetite is gone. I started having thoughts I’ve never had. It was scary. 

I started to feel like he didn’t like me. So I left before he could. I ghosted him. I said absolutely nothing. I acted on such high emotions. I never have done that before. Or at least to this extent. I wanted to leave before I got hurt. I told my sister I broke things off, and told her how. She was obviously like wtf? A few days later I told her how guilty I felt and how I hated myself for what I’ve done. She talked some sense into me and I sent him a huge apology. 

I sent it to my sister before and she told me it was really good. And it was very truthful. I felt sm better sending. He hasn’t answered, and I’m okay with that. At least I did it. 

But I didn’t see how wrong that whole thing was until today. Thinking about my actions and how toxic they were. So I started looking into BPD. And I almost cried. I resonate with so many of the symptoms. 

I have a narcissist mom. My dad worked away from home. They divorced when I was 12 and I didn’t see my dad till I was 14. I didn’t feel like I ever had a safe place to talk about my emotions. I had my sister but she is 11yrs older and lived 12hrs away with her mom. I now live in my sisters town (I’m now 19) and I actually have a safe place to talk about my emotions. 

I cant stop thinking about this. I’m probably gonna spend all night reading about BPD. And looking into counseling/therapy options in my town. I need to know. I’m so ashamed to talk to my sister about this. Even though she’s diagnosed with BPD. I’ve only told my bsf. I’m so scared.