I’m 18F, and I think I have depression. I have never sought out professional help bc my family would shame me for it bc mental health is extremely stigmatized in my community. In high school I never planned on going to college bc I didn’t want to live past 18. Then by some miracle, I got accepted into this program at my state university. Seeing how proud my parents were, that gave me a reason to stay. Now I recently got a job related to this major and a sense of doubt is settling in. I feel like the initial joy/pride, whatever you want to call it, died after my first year of college and now all I can feel is anxiety, panic and dread for the future. So what if I got the job? So what if I will graduate? So what if I find success in my career? I don’t want to do anything. The only thing that truly gives me comfort is sleep and video games, if I’m being honest. And nowadays, sleep is the only thing I can do. I don’t want to work, to get married, to have children, to be an adult, to do anything. I don’t want to go out either. I used to love the idea of traveling the world, but now idec for that anymore. Now I just want to hide from the world. 

Before anyone comes for me, I hate that I’m this way. I want my doctor to give me meds, something, anything, to change and rewire my brain and make me happy. I have no money for therapy and I don’t want my parents to find out either. Sometimes I wish I could just go peacefully in my sleep but that’s too much to wish for I guess.