This has been a tough week. I’ve been extremely depressed but also having plenty of signs pointing to hypomania, like not having slept in days, hearing voices and spending hours trying to find a camera in the walls that I convinced myself was there. I had a pretty rough visit with my psychiatrist this week as well. They upped my dosage of Lamictal to 100mg, which was the gameplan, but said that next visit we’d take it up to 150mg and look into starting anti-psychotics again. I’m devastated. Last appointment, we had discussed keeping me at 100mg if I did well but now we’re working towards the 200mg and going back to anti-psychotics.  My psychiatrist said that I was in a mixed episode where I experience both hypomania and depression and they want to stop these breakout symptoms. 
I know I should be happy to be getting the right help but I just cannot pull myself together. I don’t want to take medication for the rest of my life. I don’t want bipolar at all!
The diagnosis has been really, really hard on me, even though at first I felt relieved to know that it wasn’t just me. I just don’t know how to feel about any of it anymore. My therapist recommended medication after a severe manic episode and, even though I had already had a DNA test confirm my diagnosis, I hoped that my new psychiatrist would say it was just untreated ADHD. 
Am I wrong for feeling this way?