I have major self esteem issues I’m trying to work on. I hate my boyfriend but I also love him so much, how is this possible? I bought the book I hate you dont leave me but I think we need to break up so it was probably a waste of money.

I hate that I feel unacknowledged 
I hate that he slept with other people before me or had other loves 
I hate that I get so angry and abuse him

I lash out. 

One day I’m so happy and feel so secure and ready to have an awesome relationship and be the best gf I can be....but that only lasts so long.
I switch back and forth so much. 

This relationship is making me realize how ugly of a partner I can be. But I can’t even realize if my feelings are valid or not?

We went through a period of him breaking it off and all I wanted was him back. I WENT CRAZY! I couldn’t function I’d cry well using my vibrator. I wouldn’t eat. I would have tantrums. We were apart for only a month and in that month I felt more centred, I miss it. I truly wanted him back tho, I did, Atleast I thought that’swhat I really wanted. Now I have him back and I live with him and all I can think is I want the hell out but I want him to want me.

What is this?

There’s so much resentment for some reason. 

We live together also, does anyone with BPD experience this?