Almost 20 years old male. I had really traumatic childhood and youth, filled with domestic violence, verbal and physical abuse and scary floods from heavy tropical storms (I live in Bahia). At 12 I started journaling my humor because I noticed that I was weekly waving my humor and that was completely destroying my life. At 14 I started inhaling aerosol in order to get high and ease the pain and became extremely addicted at 16, when I tried a suicide by overdosing on 30g of Paracetamol. My mom saved me. That same year I got introduced to marijuana and started a psychiatric treatment with Lithium and risperidone to treat my symptoms (oscillating humor and suicidal thoughts).

In 2019 I interrupted the treatment because I felt like a robot, the medicine was not making me happier, it was just keeping me from killing myself. That robotic feeling made me crave more drugs, then I made untrustworthy friends just to get marijuana and hash from them. I was having such a hard relationship with my mom but I just couldn't stop it. 

In January 4h, 2020 I had a severe panic attack from a violence trigger and got hospitalized, then they injected me diazepam, I was trying to stay clean but that was the only time in my life I felt anxiety reduced to zero. Result: I spent all January crying from withdrawals crisis and ended up relapsing on aerosol after a horrible flood that happened that month. 

Some day in 2020, I was starving endlessly to get high, I lied to my mom about a headache just to try to get tramadol (since I am allergic to dipirona and got allergic to Paracetamol after the overdose). That period I was doing swimming classes and I remember having deliriums, couldn't feel the separation between my body and the pool's water. I couldn't focus. It was winter when I hadn't eaten well and took tramadol right before going to swim, I had hypothermia, I got blue nails and breathing issues, couldn't stop trembling. That thing scared me. So I quit swimming and kept drugging myself in order to feel less dead and keep on working and studying. 

That same year, I went through bad psychosis crisis. I heard voices telling to hit people in their faces, I threw things trying to hit my cousin. I got hospitalized one more time and they doped me in there so I could calm down. The doctor gave me a schizophrenia suspect-diagnosis and forwarded me to the psychiatrist. I went back one more time to my psychiatric treatment, but no more as a suspect of bipolar disorder, that time I had a suspect-diagnosis of schizoaffective. The doctor prescribed me Lithium, risperidone, sertraline and carbamazepine. I was taking 8 pills a day, and I was actually very motivated in the beginning.

In 2021 I started to smoke nicotine heavily, it's been part of my routine now. I make sporadic usages of tramadol and alcohol. I quit again the psychiatric treatment at the first half of the year, I don't know how to explain why, I just did it like a crazy. 

I know I didn't get better, I really didn't get better. My psychiatric condition seems to weaken my immune system and I have been very sick lately. My nervous system can't stand anything, it gets lowered very easily. All my life has been a mess since day 1 and sometimes I act extremely okay because I don't want to scare people, I don't want to answer people's questions because I don't really know how to respond. I have been trying to find a purpose in my life, but all I can be sure is that I'll have to be back to a psychiatrist soon because I recognize that I don't function well without meds. My mind is heavily messed up. I can't deal with my humor, my need to get high, my noisy and voided mind, my depersonalization, my weakened immune system and my fragile nervous system. I feel like a complete problem.

I just wanted to share these events that knock at my door every single day. Thank you for reading me.