I often wonder, as I'm spinning in my own suicidal ideation, when I will have finally had enough and jump out my window. A lot of days I have thoughts that I should end it and for the most part I just accept them as passing thoughts. I don't want to hurt my family that, especially my 9 year old little brother. At the same time, what these people see of me is a facade. I put on my Sunday best when I'm around my family, but it's all a lie. It's hard to even talk to anyone about anything because most people are not going home every night trying to figure how they're going to make it to the morning. They have no concept of what it's like to feel constantly hopeless. I have kind of figured that after 15 years of having too many suicidal thoughts per day to count that I am just kind of going to have to accept that I am forever going to have these uncontrollable thoughts of self harm. I have no desire to act on these thoughts and if anything they just annoy and frustrate me. I've made so much progress, but to be plagued by randomly interjected thoughts of putting one of my pistols in my mouth is torture. 
Now I just wonder when I will get sick of the daily struggle and say fuck it. Having a mood and personality disorder plays a part in every single thing I do and think. I often at work have to try to figure out how many of my grievances are legit and how much of it is the fact that I'm out of my fucking mind from one day to the next. I don't date, don't try to date, don't want to date. I can barely do the bare minimum to function in life, to add balancing a relationship isn't worth it. What do I realistically bring to the table anyway? I have so much baggage that there aren't enough bellhops in the world to get that shit off the curb. 
Just another rant leading to nothing I suppose. Tomorrow I'll go back to my fucked up status quo. I'll wake up feeling stable then start the slow, steady, daily slide into severe depression. Doesn't even feel like depression and suicidal ideation anymore-- just feels like who I am. I've never met anyone who I feel comfortable actually talking about how I truly feel with. They jump straight to I should go to inpatient because my thought process scares the fuck out of people. I see it in their eyes, they have no idea what it's like to feel how I do, no concept whatsoever.
Rant over-- engaging status quo