I can't help but think day in and day out about how lonely and sad I am. I recognized today that some of my actions and things I do can be triggering some of my sadness. I guess this just means I'm going to have to uninstall tinder. All summer long I just been trying to find someone to enjoy some company with. I want people in my life again but there isn't anyone who truly is looking for connection on there. I just keep hurting myself by trying to put myself out there and continually seeing the same thing over and over, they come, they bring drinks and all their quarks and assume something is gonna happen. I'm tired of it really. I had a good go around of adventure like three years back but I'm done playing. I want something real with someone but I have to fix myself before I can invite anyone else in. I want a connection with someone so bad that i think I romanticize about it to the point where I set myself up to be disappointed because nobody is looking for what I am looking for.  

Feels like I live in frustration. Which is really dumb considering my life is actually okay right now, I just have to find myself and figure out what I am doing. I think what this is mostly about is my inner child/teen/young adult that needs healing and this is something I just have to figure out on my own to become the very best version of myself for my son, myself and a possible romantic partner that could come along. 

I guess my inner child is just hurting, I know some people dramatize it so much it's almost like a funeral for your old self. I on the other hand want that child in me to live on forever. It just sucks she never got to do what she really wanted. I was born with this rare heart condition and for the longest time I felt ostracized for it. It's rare but it's crippling and some days are just harder than the others even if you can't tell anything is wrong with me. but basically I had a good childhood, it was just different. Other kids got to walk to cumbies, get an ice cream, go to the park, ride bikes in big groups and go and do what they like. Me on the other hand, I had old fashioned movies, fashion, shopping. I couldn't play or do existential  activities. a lot of things could hurt me and if I exacerbate any hard/physically strenuous activity could be a life taker for me. 

I feel it isn't fair that I was born this way and had no control over it. I am the only one with this condition in my family with no other history of heart problems. I guess that disrupted a lot in my family considering no one was prepared for it. But my parents did the best that they could do with what they had. 

I look back on my childhood with happiness and sentiment, I'm happy for all the things that happened, what I did. my bravery in taking on any difficult task thrown at me and handling most things with preparation and ease. I'm happy that even though it's been a  tough life, I have found some peace in it. but today I still take a look at things and ask myself when is this pain gonna go away.