tw: rape

im 17 and i dont turn 18 until later this year and im laying in bed and breaking down and knowing what i need to get better and not being able to do it because im broke and my parents wont help me. and it feels like im nobody right now and no one cares and no one wants to help me or listen. and i feel like dying and im so frustrated because i have to be up for school in like 5 hours and i just feel so shit and i cant piece myself together because i cant sleep. and i dont know what to do i have nobody and i have nothing and it stresses me out feeling so alone and lonely all the time and no one gets it. none of my friendships are emotionally fulfilling. i realized idk what love is at any capacity. i feel so terrible and i just wanna shut off and sleep all day but i cant miss too much school and everyone will just get mad at me for missing school but none of it matters. and im sorry this is a block of text im just spazzing out and i wanna be held i havent been held in so long everything feels inauthentic and empty and i need a connection but i have no will to make any i just feel so sad and i cant even cry and i just wish things were easier im
so 
stressed
and im sorry to anyone who comes across this post im so hungry and empty inside does anyone else always feel lacking of everything like food water happiness etc emotional and physical. im realizing my childhood was unhappy. my entire life has been pretty sad. and the “anniversary” of  my rape is coming up so i feel less and less and usually im so withdrawn when those days come up but now im at such a low point i srsly wasnt even that sad after i got assaulted but now im like whirling and i cant stop and i want it to stop i want it all to stop i need it to stop nd i feel like everyone just pretends i dont exist and dont have problems and i just wanna feel happier and healthier but i just dont