Every day I've been getting worse and worse.

I wake up around noon, and I'm still exhausted when I open my eyes. I have absolutely no motivation to leave my bed.

I try to eat, but a mix of my self-hatred and body dysmorphia makes food uncomfortable in my body, and so I purge. But that leaves me starving, so I binge, then have the save problem. Over and over. 3-6 (8 today) times a day. My front teeth are sensitive now and the roof of my mouth is peeling because of my stomach acids.

I pick at my face and bite the sides of my nails until I bleed and pull chunks of my skin off. I pull out my hairs until I have a ball of it in my palm. I walk around my home aimlessly and restlessly.

And every night, I lay unable to sleep until 3 or 4 a.m., coming again and again to the conclusion that I'm a terrible person, and I feel terrible for everyone around me.

I isolate myself because I know how bad I can lash out at my friends and hurt them when I'm this bad.

There is no mental help in my rural city. I can't afford online therapy. My father is dead. My mother laughs at me or actively tells me to kill myself when I seek help from her.

I feel so alone and helpless, and I'm getting worse.

I keep getting worse.