I met a guy in high school and i was on a  bench losing my shit in my head. But he came to me and he comforted me and i became his friend. I initially had a really big interest in this guy but he was chasing some other girl. After a while i ended up being with his best friend, the relationship was really nice. but i consistently lied to everyone i knew. i have never cared about myself and i don't think i can. Instead of dealing with my past i decided to just lie about other situations and vent.

i also lied about things that would make me cool or more smarter, saying that i was mentally smart because i made people move schools. but i always avoided them as well as my problems by lying. I never thought of it as a personal thing to hurt anyone. my main goal was to help everyone. i devoted hours and hours sorting through others problems and trying to make them happy. But at the same time i didn't want people to love me so i'd keep making up lies to convince them i was bad and to promote more self hatred.

In 2017 my boyfriend tried to kill himself when i was 15 because i lied. the person who originally helped me on that bench regretted his choice and wanted to be with me, whenever i asked what was wrong he'd consistently mention that he wish he could change his decision. So instead of leaving it, i decided to lie more and i convinced my boyfriend to try being in a poly-amorous relationship.

In the end it didn't work out and everything seemed fine, but my boyfriend tried to kill himself by jumping out of a 3 story building at my high school. ever since that i really regretted lying, i wish i told him absolutely everything but i was scared he'd kill himself. Prior to this i already was having problems in our relationship due to my childhood. So i decided to leave him two weeks after he attempted. then i distanced myself romantically but still tried to be his friend. 

I wanted to not have any emotional value and then maybe i could confess all my lies. which were extremely outrageous and unrealistic. but i think it was because the lies needed to match with the feelings of memories through my childhood. while this happened i was visiting a physiologist and i was diagnosed as a pathological liar. i even lied to him avoiding all the problems of my childhood. i'm now trying to tell someone what happened, but its so hard to. it feels impossible. I don't want to associate myself with what happened to me.

My psychologist described to me that i have sociopathic tendencies but only to myself as a simple term so i could understand. i can't care about myself, and i kept cutting myself. i don't care about myself at all, the only reason to live is to help others and to make others happy. i don't care about myself at all and i only want to live to see others happy. i don't know how to fix me. I've tried for years. I've never told anything my psychologist told me.

I want to be better and get better. i never want to lie again because i lost everyone, i keep drinking and I've wanted to kill myself but i can't do it after my Father found out i was cutting. My dad couldn't handle it if i did kill myself. So i just sit here tempted to hurt myself more and more but what if he finds out. I never wanted this, i just didn't want to tell my problems,i wanted to be someone else. i didn't ever want to hurt anyone. 

I miss all my friends who left, but i miss my boyfriend the most. I think he had bipolar, but he was just so amazing and kind. people bullied him for his whole life and after a while i got him to distance himself from those people. he didn't want to hunt them down and hurt them anymore. I loved him so much and i wish i didn't lie, i wish i didn't hurt him. There's nothing i wouldn't do to my own body or mind to just be with him again. I just want to lay on his chest and take a deep breath.

I love him more then my own life.