I know that in this sub people will identify with extreme and frequent ups and downs. I kinda always thought of my mood swings as being something internal that came “out of nowhere” with no rhyme or reason behind them. 

I’ve realized now that (at least a lot of the time) it is related to external triggers but I’m talking about the most ridiculous things. Other people’s actions (even when they’re not actually doing anything wrong) completely define how I feel. 

If a friend isn’t texting me back as much as usual l feel horrendously depressed and like nobody cares and alone and abandoned. The moment I get a reply and realize everything is ok I feel completely euphoric. 

If I have to write an email to someone at work, their response will completely dictate my mood. If they disagree with something I’ve said or a decision I’ve made I decide I’m inadequate and terrible at my job and everyone hates me. If they’re happy with what I’ve done I feel like everything in the world is great. The other day I got an email response from someone asking me to change something I had done and I got 2 hours sleep that night because I couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

If my partner is in a bad mood because of unrelated reasons I feel like I’m not good enough and he hates me and he will leave me like everyone else. When things are good I love him more than anything else and think that our relationship is so strong and it’s this intense soulmate bond. He recently pointed out to me that on a Wednesday I spoke to him about the doubts “I had been having for quite a while” about our relationship and was in complete crisis mode, thinking we weren’t going to last. On Friday I told him how we had been so strong lately and I was so happy with how things were and how I couldn’t imagine life without him. I genuinely couldn’t believe these things had happened only two days apart when he told me and I was very embarrassed. 

I guess it’s related to “splitting” but it’s exhausting to feel this in every aspect of my life. I am aware of this so I spend every last bit of energy I have trying to hide the fact I feel this way so that I don’t make things worse and push people away. My partner is the only person I’m really open with about how I feel and even then I try to hide most of it. I’m so tired all the time. 

I tried CBT for this and it didn’t work at all. My therapist talked to me about these automatic negative thoughts as if I mightn’t have even noticed them before. I definitely notice them. They scream at me. Then it came to changing them which honestly felt like a joke. I had no idea how. If I changed my thought to something positive it didn’t feel real. I never actually believed it. I know people who have done CBT and spoke about it as this enlightening amazing experience but to me it felt very “gee thanks I’m cured.” I just felt even more inadequate for not being able to do it and my therapist seemed to think I wasn’t trying hard enough. 

When I got diagnosed with BPD they explained that was probably why the CBT didn’t work but I couldn’t afford to keep getting treatment with the psychiatrist who diagnosed me. I did some work on the DBT workbook myself and I’ve gotten back in to that again lately but it’s hard to keep up motivation. 

I feel like I’m playing whack-a-mole. Except instead of whacking them down I’m running around trying to grab hold of everyone to make sure they don’t run away from me. I just feel pathetic. I have no idea who I even am and just become whoever I am around at the time. I’m constantly afraid people will leave me and I have even started to feel that my mom doesn’t want to talk to me. I know that it’s part of the BPD experience but I just don’t know how anyone has the mental energy to deal with it.