its the same damn song and dance, different year. my relationships never last longer than 2 years. first we become best friends, develop feelings for eachother, fall madly in love, somewhere along the way i become obsessed with them, i lean on them for emotional support, and eventually they realize im too much to handle and cut contact with me and then im all alone again.

my childhood friend, boyfriend of 3 years, whom i lived with last year, just told me he no longer cares about me and wants nothing to do with me after i told him i feel hopeless and suicidal. he told me nobody supports me because of how everything makes me suicidal. talking to me is like walking on eggshells. hes tired of me using him as a therapist. it wasnt my intention; my therapist does nothing to help me and i have nobody else in my life to talk to. but he told me its my fault my therapist doesnt help me and hes not equipped to help me either.

he used to be so supportive. he used to be so encouraging. but all i did was continue to spiral into my negative thought patterns. he would try to be encouraging and i would respond with "but it's always been this way, so why would it ever change" and him leaving me was just confirmation that my life is a constant cycle that will never change. i never expected this to happen with him and i took such great care to avoid it. but for whatever reason my moodswings and impulsivity has been worse than its ever been this year. i take everything prescribed to me and nothing works.

what do i do?? its clear im the problem. but i dont want to be the problem. every time i think ive changed im reminded that i havent moved at all. ive been in 2 dbt groups now and neither of them helped. dbt seems pointless to me because i dont understand how exercising or focusing on the texture of a chocolate bar is supposed to help me overcome all the shit i'm dealing with.

ive already attempted suicide several times today after he blocked me everywhere. and i know i will again. i want him to know i was serious when i said i wanted to do it. i want him to fucking care. he threw me away like trash. why do i care?? i dont want to care!! im losing my mind. im waiting for him to talk to me again but that may never come and i will be alone forever. i dont want to live without him. i gave up 3 of my years for him when i could have been doing something useful with my life. he was there for me in my darkest moments only to leave me alone in the dark.