I 25f met my FP 46f four years ago. She was my boss. I was in an extraordinarily dark place. I don’t know what drew me to her, but I was drawn to her. She felt safe. So I confided in her. She took me under her wing, comforted me, helped me cope. I was really dependent those first couple years. Though it wasn’t my intention, it, understandably, drained her. She started getting pissed at me. Told me I was too clingy (I was) and that I needed to learn how to cope on my own and that she didn’t owe me anything. We went back and forth between good times and bad. 

I was diagnosed with BPD last year and went through DBT. It helped me tremendously. My behavior improved so much. I was respectful towards her, I communicated well, I rarely asked her for support. There was then a night where I was having a very bad time. I told her I was in a very bad place and asked if we could talk. Silence. I reached out to her the next day saying “I understand if you’re unable to talk but I would appreciate it if you just sent me a “hey I’m thinking of you but I can’t talk right now.” She got so pissed. Said she was too busy to even send a text like  that. She was posting a lot on Facebook the next day. Then I snapped. I said “I don’t understand how you don’t have time to text me back but you have time to Facebook.” I shouldn’t have sent that. It was wrong. I know. She responded “you know what? I don’t owe you shit and now I’m blocking you. How entitled you are. Good freaking bye. Have a nice life.” Word for word. The text is deleted now. But I read it so much, I have it memorized. 

That was in May. In a moment of weakness, I emailed her a few months later. No response. That was it of me contacting her. I still think about her every single day. She’s still my FP. Even though she’s not in my life, I still depend on her emotionally. Now though I guess it’s just the idea of her. 

I have feelings for her. I love her. I know it’s gross because she was my boss and she’s old enough to be my mom. But I love her. And I constantly fantasize about her. I imagine us in a relationship, I imagine me comforting her, I imagine her comforting me. I imagine me getting to have at least one last conversation with her. Getting closure. I would thank her for everything she did for me. I would say I was sorry for burdening her. I would ask why she left. I would ask how I could get her back. I would tell her I would do anything and mean that. Mostly, I would ask her if she hates me. God, I just want to know that. Whether or not she hates me. And I fantasize about her saying reassuring and comforting things in that conversation. 

I probably sound like such a freak. Such a creepy stalker. But the good thing is, it’s all in my head. Besides the one email, I haven’t attempted to make any contact. 

I’m afraid i’ll never get over it. Or that the only way I will get over it is by attaching myself to someone else. And the cycle repeating. That’s how it’s been for a decade. 

It hurts so god damn much. I miss her so much. I love her so much. I am ashamed and embraced and hurt and I just… I don’t know what to do.