Two years ago while working as an outdoor guide a tree branch broke above me and a young girl.  Luckily, I was in the middle of attaching her to a high ropes course so I was already holding a harness attachment point and I was able to yank her across me and out of danger. I was less fortunate. Over the last few years I have worked to relearn how to walk, although even walking from my bed to the kitchen causes me great pain. I can barely play with my son (3) let alone anything like I used to do. 

I have had a great life. Living and working outdoors on three different continents. Almost twenty years of teaching kids and raising wolves. Guiding white water, hiking mountains and crawling along high ropes courses 10-30m in the air. I have done hundreds of solo reccy’s finding safe routes to bring groups through and spent years with more nights under the stars than under a roof. I’ve sheltered through severe thunderstorms laying under a canoe as last resort, kept hundreds of children safe while a tornado hit, bandaged and treated more injuries than I could remember. I’ve carried grown adults on my back using my pack as rescue harness, and now I can barely walk. 

I do not regret saving her, my neck for her life is a bargain I would make time and time again. 

But I feels like I have lost everything. I know that is false. I still live, the girl lives, I have a loving wife and a beautiful crazy little man. 

And yet, it’s like I lost superpowers I never knew I had. I tell people the stories I have acquired and it’s like I am telling the story of a different man. Someone who is gone. Someone who has died. I think I am mourning the loss of my own life and I have no frame of reference for how I am supposed to move forward. 

My whole life I dreamed of the adventures I would have with my son. When my wife told me she was pregnant I started picking out small climbing harnesses. I have a bow that I helped build myself for a six year old size. My coworker gave me handmade father son wooden canoe paddles. Dreams and items I fear I will never use. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this because when he asks me to play tag… I have to say “sorry buddy I can’t.” 

How do I live now. The doctors tell me that I won’t ever get back to where I was, but how do I get somewhere that’s enough? How do I grieve myself so I can move beyond being dead? At times the grave calls to me. To give in this half life and give up. But I don’t want to. How do I get from here to there. To find my way out of the trees. 

For clarity sake yes I am seeing a professional a couple in fact. No I am not currently suicidal. I’m just reaching out to see if I’m alone.