Tl;dr: think I have BPD, not sure how to manage, scared my "self diagnosis" will be rejected or that I've somehow made it up .... 

Hi everyone, I'm (26f) becoming more and more drawn to the idea that I might have BPD. I have thought this for a few years now on and off, I had a friend with a BPD diagnosis but felt like I couldn't have the same diagnosis as she was much more..... extreme than I was. With some perspective I have learned obviously we are all different and display different degrees of "qualities" that can be attributed to BPD. 

The main reason I think I have it is that I literally have no idea when it comes to emotional regulation. I have a very big and open childhood mother-wound and I know this is the cause for a lot of my issues (anxiety, low self esteem and of course not knowing how to identify and regulate my emotions/self soothe in the middle of crisis or distress). 

I've taken about 10 different online BPD tests - I know they aren't to be taken as a diagnosis but I am scoring very high on all of them and that must indicate something, right? I have talked about it with my boyfriend (who is amazing and incredibly supportive) and he agrees I do tick many of the boxes of BPD from his perspective. I know the next step is probably to discuss with a healthcare professional but I have this fear/anxiety that they are going to tell me they disagree..... what if I am just exaggerating or making it up? What if I am just trying to align my experience/issues with some kind of diagnosis just to feel some element of control over my emotions? 

I am extremely sensitive to rejection and criticism so if a doctor were to refute my suspicions I feel this would really impact me quite badly. I've never had an official diagnosis as far as I'm aware but have a history of antidepressant use for depression/anxiety. This was before I had identified which issues might stem from my childhood. I haven't taken medication for about a year now (I discovered microdosing which has been so helpful) and I'd rather not return to being reliant on medication.

It's just a lot to take in right now. I do have the fear that I may not be taken seriously or that I'll be told "nothings wrong" when in fact there is a lot wrong. If anyone has any starting points or free resources that might help then please do share. I don't really know what I am asking for here on Reddit but I hope that other people might relate and therefore validate my experience. Thank you for reading.