Hope everyone is enjoying/enduring/tolerating the holidays this year. 

This will be a lot of ranting mostly on things that are self loathy and all that good stuff. I don't have anyone to really talk to or who remotely empathizes with how it's such a struggle to complete seemingly "normal" tasks. 

Currently feel as though I'm basically numb to a ceaseless panic attack. It's as though I'm overwhelmed and drowning in emotions that I SHOULD be able to process and control and react to appropriately. At the same time, it's like I'm not even present in my own life, in my own mind, or even in my own body. I know I'm dissociating as this becomes overwhelming for me. I know what I'm doing and why. But I can't stop it. In fact, this is even more frustrating in a way. 

Just stop procrastinating completing the things you need to get done. Just stop pushing people out of your life by not responding or letting yourself feel emotions from them. Just stop hating yourself so much. Just stop being your worst enemy. Just stop limiting yourself in your life. Just stop yourself from sabotaging happiness for yourself. Just stop thinking that you aren't worthy. Just stop. 

But it's not that simple and I'm starting to feel like there's no point in trying. 

That's what I'm feeling today. I'm feeling like it's all starting to spiral out of control...I want to just run away and start over. I want to crawl into bed for a week and sob. 

I'm tired of being on my own. I'm tired of not being where I want to be in life or where I'm "supposed" to be. I'm tired of feeling like a failure and that the only person who would sincerely listen to me would be someone who I have to pay to do so (ironic as I spent earlier today searching for a therapist and became even more unraveled by the whole process - especially considering my past with the intermittent sessions and providers I have seen). 

I don't know. I just wanted to be heard and not be told that it's all in my head or due to me over thinking things or being lazy or not being motivated. 

Sorry if this is totally disjointed or inappropriate. If you've gotten this far, I appreciate that you took the time to read my ramblings. 