
So this is really complicated guys, but I’ll explain as best as I can.

I had a mixed childhood, I had good best friends at primary (elementary) school but moved to a private school my rich grandad paid for for high school and got bullied as a poor kid. I also was pathetically shy and didn’t reach out to make friends. I spent time in the bathroom trying not to be seen as a loser on my own. Looking back I did crazy shit and was very depressed although some people were very nice to me and if I had self confidence and the knowledge I have now high school could have been amazing.

In the summer after GCSEs I got anorexia at 16 and nearly died due to how bad it was. I attended the hospital everyday but wasn’t admitted due to covid. I had to leave school for a year to heal. Thankfully I got healthy and moved to a sixth form college but my mindset was still fucked up and I never mentally recovered and didn’t make effort to make friends.

Then to make things worse during lockdown my depression got even worse and I read stuff online and began to think I was trans, as well as getting obsessed with my hobby of lifting (i am an amateur powerlifter) I became erratic and ordered steroid drugs online. I took them for 6 months and hid it from my family but something clicked in my mind back in March, I thought what the fuck am I doing, wasting my life like this and stopped cold turkey. I then told my family who were extremely supportive as they knew I was going through shit during lockdown and after years of no friends and the anorexia, it messed with my mind and made me do something crazy. I was using the trans thing as an excuse to do something ‘forbidden/exciting’ and take drugs.

We went to the doctor and my blood tests came back normal now for a woman but the lasting effects are my voice is way deeper like androgynous and I’ve got a lot more body hair. I’ve been getting it lasered off and am getting voice surgery in 2 weeks using all my Uni savings. This experience made me break out of a depressive spell I’ve been in for 3 years since the anorexia , it changed me from wanting to stay in my room all day alone to wanting to party and be social and get a boyfriend. I’ve changed from being a tomboy  to wanting to go out and get dressed up on nights out. I also cut my hair during lockdown which looks terrible but it’s long enough to get extensions now which I’m getting before Uni in September. I just feel like now I’ve finally got the mindset and good mental health but not the physicality yet and will be judged. Everyone my age wants to look good but I’m lacking so much confidence due to what I did, even if none of it is permanent.

The thing is now with my new mindset I feel I’m wasting my youth and life and summer. I also am too self conscious to go out until my voice surgery is done but everyone sees me as a normal woman right now, it might just be in my head. I have no friends to spend the summer with and am so sad just sitting here whilst the weather is beautiful and watch movies about teenagers having fun. My younger sister is extremely disabled and can’t talk so my parents can’t spend time with me as one works and one is a full time carer for her, but I kind of don’t want to spend time with them anyway, I want to be around people my own age.

What would you recommend I do this summer?