The other day was one of the worst days of my life. My BPD has been acting up really bad for a while and I got incredibly triggered. I asked a sister if I could come to her place because it was a safe enough place for me. She says no a lot and yesterday also said no because she wasn’t doing well with her mental health either. 

My dad ended up blaming me for the big event that is tearing my family apart when he is the one that is at fault. I literally didn’t do anything and wasn’t even a part of the yelling argument he and another sister had over his decisions to treat her baby. He says it my fault though. 

I got so triggered that I ended up hurting myself more than usual. And because my sister hurts herself in the same way, but mildly I thought I should text her about it. But I did something crazy too, I don’t want to trigger anyone so I won’t say what but it was dangerous. She had a full breakdown because of what I said and thought it was her fault because she didn’t let me come over. Anyway, I got a lashing from her husband and another sister. They were right, what I did was wrong. Now I’m avoiding it then and my other siblings because I don’t want to hurt anyone else. 

I don’t know when they’ll accept me again. I’m isolating myself from everyone even though I live with my dad still. I’m planning on playing sick on Christmas so the already stressed family ties can be less strained if my sister sees me. I don’t know if they will ever be ok with me again. One of my sisters used to be my FP but she abandoned me years ago and became best friends with a different sister, the one she lives with, the one I hurt. I have nowhere to escape, no safe place or people.

Anyway, what do you do when you hurt someone? I’ve actually never done this before.