Rant

I'm lucky. I grew up in a nice suburb. I went to college. Married an amazing girl I never thought I would get to date. We have two kids (3 yo / 9 mo) that are both Wonderful. I have a great job, I work from home (even before Covid) and I make a ridiculous amount of money. We moved into a new construction/custom McMansion - 4,200 SQ ft. of suburban paradise.

And I'm miserable.

The only things I really enjoy are weed, alcohol, and food. 

At home I'm mostly a good husband, a great Dad. At work I've always got a positive attitude and all that, but it's all _so_ fake. On the weekends I look forward to Monday, and on Monday I look forward to the weekend, trying to convince myself I have anything to look forward to.

More and more I find a tiny bit of weed or a drink is needed to keep my performance convincing. I've gone to the eye doctor twice now and everyone thinks I have allergies that upset my eyes/make my contacts uncomfortable to explain why my eyes are red. It's just the weed.

Each day is...just another day. It all feels pointless. And sure, intellectually, I could see that before, but I never used to _feel_ that way.

I have no friends anymore, but I don't miss having friends.

I have no further career goals, my job is as good as I could reasonably hope for.

I don't want a new girlfriend or an affair. 

I don't really want anything.

My kids are great and I don't want to see them suffer, but I also don't feel the need to be around them.

When I think about my dream life now, it's like 'Buying lots of insurance and then having a terrible accident' so my family will have lots of money. Or just existing in a cheap hotel room, doing drugs and eating until I OD or die of a heart attack. 


Clinical depression:
&gt; A mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.

All I can think is, I'm right. Life isn't interesting. I look at the activities people do, and they are boring.  I'm old enough that I _shouldn't_ be interested in this stuff anymore.

Whatever. I don't have a point.