So, I made this post earlier: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/3t2i1i/tips_for_leaving_an_unhappy_relationship_as_a_bpd/

So, my exhusband texted me tonight (we're good friends) to ask me how I was. We ended up talking on the phone about my past couple of weeks with my SO. About how I'd finally calmed down with my paranoia about him cheating, until I was triggered by seeing The Other Girl's car parked in his apartment parking lot--which is also the parking lot to the bar he lives above, so anytime I see it there she could also just be at the bar.

You should know, my SO (I say SO, but we've never been "official") keeps me at a distance. He never wants to be seen out in public with me. He won't add me to his private Instagram. He tells me it's because he doesn't trust me to be his girlfriend officially yet, he doesn't trust letting me into his life because he can't trust that I won't fly off the handle about something and make a scene and he just can't bring someone into his life like that. He loves me, he's in love with me, but he can't bring me into his life yet because he's too scared. 

Fair enough.

Doesn't change the fact that I see that girl's car in that parking lot so often. (He used to date her. ACTUALLY, he was dating me at the same time he was dating her over a year ago. I found out he was dating her through the grapevine, confronted him, and he said it was true, that he needed to break up with her because he didn't love her like he loved me, and they started dating while he was on a break from me, but he just couldn't bring himself to hurt her. Eventually, he got the balls. Broke up with her back in January of 2015. But he's still never been able to take me out in public somehow, or let me be on his IG.)

Anyway, I've been suspicious for the past few weeks that he's been lying to me. (To be fair, so long as he keeps me a secret in his life I'm always suspicious, but that suspicion tends to wax and wane a lot, moving from total trust to total fear.) 

About a week and a half ago, I saw her car at his place when I showed up to surprise him with a hug and a kiss goodnight. He wouldn't let me upstairs or in his place. In fact he called me on the phone and said he was going out to get cigarettes, and asked if I'd just meet him at the gas station. (I refused to, because I'm not fucking meeting "the love of my life" at a goddamned gas station. So he met me in the parking lot. But I have no idea if she was up there or not.)

So later, I snooped IG. I noticed that she's friends with ALL his friends. And when he makes a new one (like Scott) she eventually adds them. (SO and her are both private on IG.) Weird. Also, any time someone posts a photo of him, she "likes" it. Every time.

I was at the post office Saturday morning, which is catty corner from his apartment. I look in the direction of his apartment, and see her walking down the stairs to her car. His car is also there, parked next to hers. I think, "He's told me she has a friend that lives in that apartment complex above the bar. Just try hard to remember that, to believe that she was probably just spending the night there, with her friend, after a night at the bar." So, RIGHT after I see her leave, he texts me. "Ugh, I just woke up," he says. "Didn't get back to Scott's apartment after the show until 4:45am." So I called him. "Hey, I'm not accusing you of anything, just saying that I saw K leaving your apartment while I was at the post office, and then you texted me right after, which makes me feel weird." "That is weird," he says, "Weird timing." Then he CALLS me. He's on the phone with me, he makes sounds like he just got home and is kicking off his shoes and taking off his pants, and he grunts as he's laying down in his bed and says something like, "Ugh, feels so good to lay down on my bed after a night on Scott's couch." Then he asks if I want to Facetime with him. We Facetime. Have a great three hour long chat. I'm calm and starting to believe him. He's being sweet. He orders my dogs food on Amazon for me because he has Prime and I don't. Later, he pushes some of his plans back an hour just to come spend a little time with me.

Alright, so, here are the details of his night according to him (Friday night, the night before I see K leaving his apartment on Saturday early afternoon):

He goes to Scott's show with his friend R, who is sick. At the show, R tells my SO, "Hey, I'm really feeling horrible. I think I need to go home. You okay?" SO tells his friend, "Yeah, sure I'll walk home!" So my SO tells me that he ultimately ended up staying at the venue until 4:40am or something with Scott, then going back to Scott's and staying there. Scott brought him home Saturday early afternoon before Scott had to go to work. SO must have arrived home RIGHT after K was leaving his apartment complex.

So, back to my exhusband and I chatting on the phone. I'm telling my exhusband, A, that I feel bad for how paranoid I am after SO told me that he wasn't even home all Friday night/Saturday morning, and that he stayed with Scott.

A says: "Uh, no. I know about that show. B (SO's best friend) was there, and B took him home. In fact, I'll text him right now just to be double sure."

So my exhusband texts B, and sure enough, B says that yes, he took my SO home around 1:20am.

Anyway, I just got done confronting my SO with this information. He blew up. "Yes, he took me home, then I kept drinking, and stayed with Scott. I can't FUCKING handle this questioning," and just going on and on about how he can't handle having to tell me every single detail of everything he does etc.

I just stayed as quiet as I could. Told him to email me the information of some tickets for a concert we were going to go to in December. 

I won't go on about the rest of the conversation, but SO had me feeling like I was still batshit crazy for not trusting him, for needing all these details.

Dude, I fucking SAW your ex girlfriend leaving your apartment. You texted me RIGHT after that. Your story about where you were Friday night/Saturday morning keeps growing. You were SO FUCKING NICE to me all Saturday which to me feels like a guilt complex. Oh, not to mention the fact that YOU REFUSE TO BE SEEN WITH ME IN PERSON OR ADD ME TO A STUPID, UNIMPORTANT INSTAGRAM. 

I messaged his exgirlfriend on Facebook. She's super private. I don't know that she'll get it as it might go into her "other" folder. But I was really, really nice and sincere when I told her that I'm only messaging her because in the event he is lying to her, she is entitled to the truth. If he's being honest and they haven't been involved, then I'm a disgusting piece of crap for bothering her.

He's going to email me the ticket information for that concert but we've both already blocked each other on our phones.

I'm afraid of tomorrow morning.

I'll miss his good morning text. 

I'm so scared. 

I already want to email him poems. 