Last night, I became triggered and failed to properly manage my feelings. I'm just now coming down from my manic anger and starting to regret my actions. Last night, I felt completely justified. If anyone had questioned me, I would have said that my anger was not out of proportion and the action I was planning to take was completely justified. At the same time, I am a logical person, and must have known deep down that this was wrong. Yet I chose to ignore the voice of logic in favor of the voice of emotion.

I had an agreement with the therapist to not act out in the way that I did for one month. I feel bad that I broke this promise. Last night, I was full of righteous anger because I saw it as partially her fault that the trigger event occurred. I felt betrayed because she always tells C to do things even though I am not comfortable with them. So when C triggered me, I became enraged and decided to throw the agreement out the window. I felt like the only one who was making an effort and C can just do whatever she wants. I decided to exert some control the only way I know how, which goes against the agreement. I won't go into details, but the therapist says what I do is punishing and abusive to C.

I was wrong to do what I did. I've come to understand this relatively recently. I feel bad. I am still angry, but now I am also angry at myself.

I'm posting this for several reasons. First, I'm new but have commented on many threads. I'm not really warm and fuzzy, but I try to give honest and constructive feedback. However, I don't want to seem all holier than thou, like I'm not guilty of shit, too. So there's that. Second, I'm wondering if other people find that the feeling of helplessness is a trigger for them. The therapist says I want to control everything, and I think she is maybe right. 

P.S. There is always confusion about who C is. The therapist believes I am an alter (this enrages me, naturally) and C has DID. But I am actually the real person and C is an imposter. I think I have schizophrenia or something as it runs in my family. Anyway, the point is that there is only one body. I kind of hate going into this because it makes me sound crazy, but people never understand otherwise.