So, my friends think I'm gay, or at least bi, but I'm not sure how I feel about this. Little background, I have a close group of friends who have watched me throw away a few relationships recently, be very unhappy and bored with life and go through the various movements of borderline. I've been told by a few of them, that after they saw me fight me way out of another one (had a bad breakdown) that latent homosexuality could be the only cause- I like flat chested, petite women and I joke about gay stuff a lot (unlike all of them, I still play sports and just chalk it up to locker room humor). 

Here's the kicker of the whole thing, however. I've often thought a similar thing about myself and I'm standing at a sort of crossroads. I've never truly known how I feel about sex, because I repress myself. When I'm not in a relationship, I very rarely get touched or get much action, so I often am confused about who or what the hell I am. I have never really been open about my sexuality or my fetishes or really anything, with any significant other or therapist, simply because I'm not sure how to access the ideas and communicate it to them. Plus, I feel such embarrassment and shame over anything sexual, when I'm not following the normative ideas.

I don't really know if it's something others deal with, I know identity issues can be big with borderline, but this sexual identity is killing me. To me it just seems like it's the security I crave, that maybe because I'm so shy and uncomfortable with women, that a man may be better for me? I don't know, it's a confusion I haven't been able to understand of late and haven't thought about it enough before.  