I convinced myself I was 'OK' now, I didn't need him anymore, he was bad for me therefore he shouldn't be in my life. I told myself that and I deleted his phone number, deleted our texts and calls from history and told myself I was fine.

At first, I was ok with it I think, mostly just not thinking about it? But as time went on, I'd still think about him and sometimes I do even still think of him as him being in my life.
But I can't do it anymore. It's so exhausting to keep going on by myself and I do miss him a lot. Fuck.

Every time I have a breakdown, I call for him and I realize how much I need him in my life. It feels unbearable while having a breakdown not having him by my side telling me everything's gonna be OK... I have to imagine it to calm down... Any advice..?