Just talked to a friend on the phone. We used to be colleagues but now she works in the different company. 
She was giving me some really on point life advice and all I could think was "I don't think I can do that. Why even bother to think about?" 

Not just acting on it, just merely thinking about it feels futile.
It feels like the only change that can happen in my life can be an external factor or force. Change or rather positive change, will never ever come from inside me.

Because even if I make a right decision today and keep at it for, say, 2 months, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna give that up willy nilly, one morning.

It almost feels like my personality and psyche aren't even built for long term happiness. Every moment is a potential crashing point. Not like I'm can work-hard-then-chill at life, I'm always gonna be working hard at life.

I don't wanna die because, if not anything, music and movies to listen/watch. But what's the point of floating away like a plastic bag in the wind. Most likely end up hanging from a tree or in the riverbed.

Sad smiley.