hi pals, I’m really struggling here. 
Back in November, I (22f) was dumped. we had an incredibly 2 year relationship that was mostly LDR and have been through the most unspeakable obstacles together and never gave up. there were a lot of big issues in our relationship aside from my BPD, and I’d like to think it was more of issues he (23m) needed to work out on on his end than mine, but I feel very broken tonight. I’ve been coping surprisingly really well since — sometimes I will feel inclined to villianize him or try to find ways to hate him the way my BPD works, but I think my journey to self healing and acceptance has played a huge part in that to where I can stop myself. I also have so much love for him that I don’t think I can try to make him evil, even in my own head. 

I don’t know if anyone else is experiencing a breakup, but it fucking sucks with this disorder. I think the worst part of it is that I had the most incredibly loving and accepting partner... he understood every aspect of my disorder and never once judged me for it. He always understood where my heart was coming from, the hurt I’ve been through, and knew that it never defined me. 

The way we broke up is, I believed I was practically a *healed person with BPD* since I’ve been on the greatest meds combo and trauma therapy, and I underestimated it. We had one fight and I snapped, acting opposite to my emotion, and teased breaking up because I was scared he would do it first. It was a toxic test on my end. I didn’t think he would actually agree this time. He always saw past my self sabotage and stopped me, always gave me space to cope my emotions and decisions, and always knew anything huge normally was a defense mechanism. I guess it was too much this time 

I’m only 22, and I know that this is a very young age to be exploring relationships in, but it aches me to even imagine trying to date again with this disorder. The most patient and accepting person gave up on me, and that is the hardest pill to swallow. I want to stay optimistic but it is very difficult to imagine a person who can be that accepting of me. His latest text to me was “If anyone is going to understand you about this kind of stuff, it’s me” (context: I’m very flip floppy with my emotions about him online and he’s a semi-public figure so I’ve been getting hate about it)

I don’t know what I need in return from this post but I think just love and support. And any success stories of finding multiple people who understand the splitting and intensity that comes with this disorder. 

I think I lost someone really special. This sucks