I'm not actively suicidal, but i do have a plan to do it before I'm 40 (within 13 years) and i know exactly where and how I'll do it. Tbh, the thoughts scare the hell out of me but i just don't see the point. I want to just jump into the void right this second, but the timing doesn't feel right. I told myself I'll give myself 13 years to finish all my unfinished business before i leave to a place far far away and if i decide to continue living, then good. I would make this 13 year suicide journey on my blog and post it when the time comes that i finally give up.
I tell myself i want to die, but I'm telling my therapist and doctor, and i just get more pills. I'm so tired and i don't want to live like this. I can't keep living like this. I really just want this pain and lonliness to end. It's so fucking exhausting when my mind is at constant war with myself