I have had problems with depression for a long time. I’m 21 now and only recently started seeing a therapist. When I was younger I got bullied quite a bit, I was tall and lanky so people probably figured I was an easy target. This let to my depression getting worse, and I had quite a bit of anger issues too. I had a lot of people pretend to be nice to me to get me to do them favors and things like that. Never really truly had friends, just one guy I was friends with. He wasn’t very nice to me either, but he was the only person who really put up with me. I became very untrusting of people. 

Then I met a girl and we fell in love. We were young, 16, but she made me happier than I could ever remember. But looking back, I see she just used me for emotional support while it was convenient. While we were dating I caught her flirting with a few guys online. Hurt me a lot too. She lied to me a lot about many different things. I became even more depressed and bitter. I would get angry and curse at her unnecessarily. I was a real asshole. I even blew up at her and talked about breaking up a few times, making her cry. I never felt good about any of it. I was just such a angry bitter piece of shit. 

Eventually she left me. She wanted to take a break while she was on vacation with her friends. I didn’t know her friends, and I saw some guy venmo her money as well. When I asked about him she said he was just a friend. I dont know if that was true or not. Regardless, I got really angry at her and said it was over. She said she was already over the relationship for a couple months. She told me she wanted to marry me the day she left. We had sex, made breakfast, cuddled, and she left. I didn’t know i’d never see her again. 

I loved her so much, and I ruined it all. This was last October. Ive been going to therapy, but it hasnt helped really. I have been trying to improve myself, but I think im just destined to have a shitty time. I dont know if its ever going to get better. I often wish that I was never born, even though its useless to think about. Sorry for the rant.