General trigger warning for sui

To cut it short, my parents don't know I'm bipolar and I've been seeking mental health treatment without them knowing (I'm turning 21 this year). 

But lately my suicidal ideations have gotten stronger to a point where it has been badly affecting my performance at my internships/my life overall, i cannot go through a day without thinking about my ideations and plans to do it. I have been feeling severely depressed and possibly have been stuck in a mixed episode for months, but my parents aren't exactly the most attentive or supportive folks. The reason why they don't know I'm disgnosed is because I know they're not going to react to it very well and lately I've been thinking about going straight to the ER and then letting them know afterwards, but I'm scared as to what they'll think about it, like if they'll react negatively it's going to even make me want to have a successful attempt even more.

Even though I keep telling myself I won't go through it and I'm just saying I'm suicidal because I'm frustrated with how things are going lately I can't help but think that I might actually go through with it in times to come.

Sorry this is so incoherent it's 3 am and my thoughts feel so jumbled and awake. My line of thinking has been so fast paced lately. I feel like everything is out to get me lately. Nothing doesn't seem real and maybe if I just go through with it I might be able to wake up to a better life.