I've known for 2 years now that I have BPD. I'm 25 now, but throughout my upbringing I remember always being insecure, over emotional and sensitive to rejection. In my adolescence I was full fledged BPD with self harm and turbulent relationships included. I had an intense fear of abandonment and would go to any lengths to avoid it. As I've gotten older, it seems as if what was once BPD is shifting towards ASPD. 

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As I aged I developed a heightened self awareness and would consider myself a very high functioning "quiet" BPD. I rarely get emotional, and whenever I do it's internalized and centers around what I perceive as rejection or inability to control. As an adult, that fear of abandonment is more like a dim light bulb in the back of my subconscious, where I feel like I SHOULD still have that problem, but my behaviors aren't in line with that at all. I'm overly self sufficient, to the point where I feel offended if people assume otherwise. I seek out companionship if it will benefit me in some way, whether the reason is superficial or not depends entirely on what I want or need in any given time frame. When I'm interested in someone (romantic or platonic), I read people like a book and then mirror their values or become their ideal friend/partner what have you. I'm also quite helpful or even appear selfless if I know it will benefit me, otherwise I find helping people bothersome. If I lose interest, I become toxic and if I split on you I will ghost you without ever looking back. I have close friends who have been endlessly selfless with me, and I genuinely don't feel any true appreciation for that except in the moment when it benefits me. My entire life I've sort of idealized myself as a good person with only true intentions but I'm beginning to realize that every aspect of my behavior is entirely manipulative, and that it's the only normal I've ever known. I have vague memories from my upbringing of times where I might have experienced true attachments or normal emotions involving other people but those memories are very dim. I've come to accept this part of myself recently, which is why i have no problem admitting all of these traits that would otherwise be demonized by people if they knew this about me. 

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I'm wondering if anyone else on the BPD spectrum has experiences similar to this? I'm hesitant to say I'm full fledged ASPD because I still can experience fleeting emotions related to other people, and occasional intense emotions relating to myself. I don't use the common sociopathic tactics on people such as gas lighting or other cunning and insidious behaviors because I cognitively know those behaviors make the person doing it look really bad to normal people. To get people to like me and be on my side and value me, I know how to act and that's not it. I've met a handful of sociopaths and have even been romantically involved with them and I can say I without a doubt feel superior to them. Their inability to foresee consequences and their impulsivity with manipulating people and carelessly telling lies and being overall reckless and burning bridges left and right are not qualities I see even remotely useful let alone desirable to the average person. I think sociopaths are low quality people for sure, which is why I'm hesitant to really identify with it but my behaviors and the way my brain works doesn't seem to really fit classic BPD. Not asking for a diagnosis, but seeing if any other BPDs relate? 

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