So, I don't really know where to start but I felt like I just needed to do this after years of being bottled up and not being able to tell what I really feel in front of the people that surround me every day like my family.

I just turned 18 and I feel so lost.  I don't know what to do, where I'm headed, or whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing.  Life has become so weird.  My perspective on everything has become so twisted and nothing really seems clear to me anymore.  I'm about the graduate high school in a week and I gotta say, I really don't feel proud or anything for myself.  I just feel so tired and I feel like I can't feel emotions like a genuine human being.

I've got a lot of problems.  The most important of which is that I feel really uncomfortable living in this house.  I literally cannot talk with my family members.  It's like there's some sort of glue on my mouth preventing me from talking.  I also feel contempt towards them.  I never felt any sort of affection from them, not from my parents, not from my siblings.  My parents aren't capable of talking about problems.  No, they never talk to us, or to me at least, I don't know.  Back then, all I could remember was my mom telling me to talk to my siblings whenever she wants to address a certain issue.  I really don't feel her motherly figure.  She passes it on to me— the talking thing.  And not that I'm the one who's feeling shit, I've no one to talk to, no one talking to me.  It's like I'm a fucking ghost right here.  I feel so dead every time.  I don't know why but this family just keeps on getting ripped apart by my parents.  My mom kicked me out of this house twice during my younger years and it really fucked up my relationship with my siblings.  We were all so close back then and now it's all shit and I can't understand a thing about it.  No one knows me.  I don't know them.  I don't know.  Living here is just so uncomfortable.

Aside that, I've also got this thing about a girl I once knew when I was about 12.  I don't even know if I'm supposed to include her here but I think it's pretty major considering she's almost always inside my head for the past 1 year or so.  When we were 12, we kinda like got into a relationship but obviously, we were too young so... well, she called it a "summer fling".  And it was mostly just online interaction.  The point is we have a history— where I left her twice.  I know I'm absolutely in the wrong here but after everything that's gone wrong with my family, the only that I ever sought, I thought I'd find with her.  I needed love and affection so I talked to her, again, hoping to receive the same love that she so generously gave to me back then.  Of course, it didn't go well and it was completely my fault and I know nothing's going to heal our relationship again, even being friends is impossible now.  But I just can't get her out of my mind.  I feel like I'm cursed and all.  I don't even think that I like her.  I just wanted to feel something I haven't felt in years.  I feel really bad for doing all of those things to her.  I just cannot get her out of my head, it's making me crazy and delusional.

Anyway, there's still a lot of things to say but I think that's all for now.  I don't need any advice or anything since I probably would just ignore it and do nothing to make my life better.  If you want to say something, just go ahead.  But I don't want people reaching out to me, telling me that things would get better or y'know offering me a helping hand.  I don't know what I want.  I really don't know.