I hate being so fixated on what people think. But half of my time I spend over thinking is about what people think about me. I've shut myself off from everyone for a while, my friends even when I check in on them seem to minimally talk to me. I'm lucky if I see them once a month. But still I try and keep my distance, and make an effort at socially acceptable intervals because everyone is dealing with their own life and cant be there all the time 

I thought I'd made a new friend last week, we really opened up to each other over confusing circumstances and I thought finally, someone I can confide in. He was messaging me late into the night, interested in getting to know me, even suggesting he come visit me a few times in the week, then we met up and spent a whole day together. Things haven't been the same since. 
Now I feel like a fool for ever thinking it was mutual, he has ignored me for a week, and I've done my best to message minimally, just once on Saturday, a meme Sunday, and then a general hello today. And I just feel crushed with embarrassment. Like of course he doesn't want to talk to me, I was too much, I really must have fucked him over, why did I ask him if he would come visit me again. He was messaging so much in the beginning and now I cant even get a hello out of him. I cant stop feeling stupid for letting my emotions idealise someone else, thinking we were could be close or even basic friends, and have now scared someone off. Again. For the millionth time. And I'm consumed with what I could have said wrong, because as much as anyone can tell me its not me its him, it does feel like me. He must think I'm this psycho clingy girl and that really makes me feel ashamed. 

I got my hopes up way too much thinking I could finally have that close friendship I've been really wanting and became that clingy obsessive person I've tried so hard not to be. It feels like its all my fault. I just want love and friendship but I'm not designed for it.