I am not sure if he knows but he’s been trying to act like nothing happen so I have been trying to act the same way… but I can’t seem to shake what I saw out of my head. It plays on repeat like a broken record and my anxiety is going off the charts. My insecurities are boiling my blood, I can’t seem to dig up the words to talk about it. I’m afraid I’m going to be gaslight and so I’d rather just do it to myself and convince myself that it was nothing and that the proximity they were in makes sense and the sounds that were coming from them were…….. nothing. I can’t handle it, I kissed him after and I tasted her lips…… (I keep telling myself it’s all in my head like a bad dream but it’s worse then that….it actually happen).
I am sad and angry, my emotions clash together with extreme anxiety… 
cutting myself just ain’t doing it. I want to get fucked……. But by someone else….
 I just don’t want to deal with the consequences of that choice since I do care deeply for this person and also benefit from the relationship I don’t want to ruin it. 
But I am angry, and not feeling valued or respected and I feel hatred towards myself because I don’t understand why someone would do that “behind my back”. 
I feel angry for having these emotions and not feeling comfortable to talk about them… but I just can’t un see what I saw, why else would anyone be in that close of proximity to one another.. Idk what to do moving forward, because just acting normal brings me bad panic attacks. I’m afraid I might have one in public and I don’t want to end up in a hospital anytime soon. But damn do I ever need a way out.