The only person in my life who I'm actually worried about making sad with my suicide is my friend Jon. Jon is the first friend I've had in a long while who isn't a POS to me in at least one way, and who seems like he genuinely cares about me. My dumbass had to go and fall in love with him tho, which really sucks cuz turns out he's straight and has a girlfriend. I was convinced for quite sometime that he might have liked me back cuz there were so many signs that pointed to it, but then when he mentioned that he was going to go out with our friend Julia it just fucked me up so bad and confused me too cuz I was like 75% sure that he liked me back. Now I know that my feelings towards him are just going to hinder our friendship and that just makes me feel so guilty and ashamed cuz he doesn't deserve that. That coupled with my dad being a lousy racist of a father figure who I have a pretty hard time looking up to, and me having to move and go to a new school in 11th grade is all just too much. 

The only thing I find soothing is knowing that at any moment, I can just walk into my closet and hang myself. I just cant take any of it anymore and I want it all to end so bad.