

I just stumbled across this forum today in a desperate attempt to find some answers. My boyfriend of 2 years just ended things with me for good this past week. I am having a horrible time handling this breakup; I can't eat, go to work, or stop crying. I can't handle all the emotions I feel. However, I have said for a while prior to this breakup that I didn't want the relationship anymore (when really I think I just wanted space and time) but I threatened to leave on numerous occasions, which really hurt my partner who has complex ptsd. The entire relationship I was emotionally abusive and out of control, and he did everything he could to stay by me. We were engaged at one point. In the beginning, I was supportive, and caring. But after his father passed away, I could no longer handle the intensity of the situation, so I acted out , was incredibly destructive and hurtful. But he still stood by me. It seems that whenever things were going well, I couldn't  just accept and handle that happiness, and I had to destroy it by acting insane, screaming, hitting myself, banging my head against the wall, etc. And even in the beginning, I was so terrified of him leaving me that I couldn't even accept what I had. Now he is talking to someone else overseas, who he plans on dating soon. He told me how can I expect someone to take the abuse I dish out constantly. He's moved on and it is destroying me. I just want him back and I want to be healthy and I feel so,much guilt and remorse for not getting help before it was too late. I just want him to love me but instead there's someone else that is what I used to be. How can I cope?