Depression is like a never-ending vortex - a culdesac of scattered grey thoughts. When depression hits, our time stops. The monotone of lonely 'ticks' and 'tocks' that torments our ears as you try to hide your existence in the void of your lonely room is just the endless cycle of our empty thoughts. As I am typing this, this emptiness is devouring me more and more. But...

But are we really empty in the inside?
How can we bear with this lonliness?

I have been suffering from depression for the past 13 odd years. Some of my friends shunned me and I have left the rest. I talk very less in real. I loathe people and can't relate to anyone. So I have stopped associating with people. If there is no meaning behind an association or even a conversation, I don't waste my time on it. Its not like I avoid people because they are mean. Some of them know how mean I can be. Its just that most people are idiots. I don't go out unless its required. The sight of people crawling on the streets like incests and bugs is not really pretty. So yeah I am lonely. But...

But am I? Am I really lonely? Not really...

You see, I have chosen to be lonely and when you choose to be 'lonely', you are not lonely anymore. You are just 'alone'. When you are 'alone', this wretched society and its incest-people can't hurt you anymore because you refuse to get hurt by 'nobodies'.

If my long-standing depression has taught me something its this - our thoughts are not empty, our thoughts are pure. Why? How? You see buds, its not our minds that are empty and miserable, reality itself is empty and miserable. We can just feel it in the purest of ways.. I know, this feeling is terrible; it sucks the life force out of us but at least we are not living a life full of false illusions and self-deceit that everything in this damn world is wonderful. Knowledge is painful and we are going through the pain of knowing and experiencing the reality of life and the reality is always sh*tty.

I don't feel worthless anymore. I don't need to. I am not worthless. This society is worthless. This system is cr*ppy. All these maggot people sorrounding us deserve to perish, not me.

Maybe someday I will bring a gift for the people - a plague of my loathing. Maybe someday I will be their savour. Maybe someday I will be the perfect anti-hero. Maybe I am already an anti-hero.

I am an anti-hero because I am 'alone'.