I’m really losing it.  I’ve been battling depression initially spawned by childhood trauma and I used to be on medication for it - I’ve tried so many different ones.  But nothing has worked.  Circumstance has always had the power to sour everything.  Recently, it’s been like I can’t catch a break.  It’s been one bad thing after the other.  I know it’s common to feel that way, but seriously I’ve had some major major life tragedies all in the span of the last month.  It’s been like 2020 - back to back disasters.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I had a friend, but each and every one of my friends except one has shown their true colours in their inability to care or support me when I needed them, despite me dropping everything to support them when they’ve needed it all these years.  I cut them off but now I am so very lonely.  I tried to make friends on Reddit and I thought I found someone worthwhile to talk to and there was a misunderstanding and I found out we were incompatible.  It’s probably the smallest disappointment I’ve had, but I banked so much on it because I wanted to trust in hope, which was a big mistake.

I want to reach out to the best friend I have ever had, but we dated and since then broke up and so it’s inappropriate for me to reach out when we’ve gone No-Contact, even though I just want him as a friend.  I keep staring at his profile pic wanting to reach out but I know no good can come from it so I am not giving in.

I have come to the conclusion that I will always mean less to people than they will to me, and that hurts so bad.  Once I care about someone, I care about them forever and I enjoy watching them grow as people, even if it’s from afar.

My heart is so lonely and I want to give up because I Honour promises with my life and try to be honest as possible but few people reciprocate that.  I know that “the right” people will eventually find themselves in my life if I do my best to deserve them but I feel like such a victim right now.  I have good days and I cherish and am grateful for those, but somehow something massive happens and always knocks me down.  I hate drama, but it’s everywhere - my family is so close but so unstable and full of health problems and I’m afraid of people I love dying so bad. 

I am breaking so bad and I know that I’m trying my very best to be my best possible self, but people keep taking advantage of me or misunderstanding me or simply just walk away because I am a constant mess.  I try not to let my problems affect anyone else and minimize damage no matter how bad I feel - I conflict avoid and people please to the max, but I’m losing the self restraint because I’ve been bottling up my sadness for too long.  I’ve cut everyone off so I’m not a burden to anyone anymore but god, it’s so lonely going through depression alone.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I am just not a happy soul and I don’t want to be told clichés about how it all gets better.  My brain won’t let it get better.  I fester in my trauma.  Therapy helps a bit but is never there when I’m breaking the hardest.

I am so tired.  I just want to rest.  If I talk to no one, I can control the damage, but for some reason I am completely uncomfortable being alone with myself, because as the late Linkin Park singer said, my “head is a bad neighbourhood” and it’s not good to be there alone.

This will get buried or I will get a few short pieces of advice like “look at the bright side” or “depression is just a mindset, it’s all in YOUR control”.  Please don’t say any of that.  I am just venting and I’d rather get no responses than empty filler advice.