I’ve had a hard time struggling with a new relationship but I feel I’ve levelled up.

Last night was a beautiful evening. 

I’d been ill with cystitis for a few days and so was a bit worried about it, but we’d planned a BBQ to use the kettle one I’d bought for the first time. It’s been unnaturally roasting here in UK for weeks.

I spent about 30 mins getting ingredients. Spent quite a bit on various sodas, his favourite ones, nice quality meats, sauce options etc. He came over and just hugged and kissed me saying hi with his lush accent, got on it starting and sorting the BBQ while I did the salad, kebabs and homemade marinades for the chicken. It was rly great and effortless teamwork - unlike most of my exes he actually offered to help - like “I’ll butter the rolls while you do the chicken”. The food came out perfectly, really, he did so well and it was juicy but well done. He just looked so cute and happy just stoking the bbq and watching the flames.

We then just sat on my chair swing facing the sun, and cuddled with a blanket watching the sunset, me with a cold IPA. Although with him, he is always driving and rarely has more than one, so I don’t usually get the urge to drink loads with him (which helps). I guess I don’t feel anxious around him and we’re too busy chatting and cuddling or kissing to drink.

Risky topic came up: We even talked about what people wear in the office and he mentioned there was no aircon (he works in a huge open plan office mostly), so the women were in dresses looking spectacular because they were all summery and fresh. It’s weird - I’m usually insanely jealous at partners noting other women, but in his arms softly and him cuddling and stroking my arms - I just felt safe, like he was just telling me a fact that other women were attractive in summer clothes. I didn’t get the urge to sulk or obsess. I just thought “sure, they probably are looking nice in their summer dresses today”. It was like the physical holding and stroking changed the way my brain handled the information.

Then we went in and watched some funny trashy gameshow on telly on the sofa while he wrapped his whole body around me and stroked my face. Not sexual at that time, just totally all-encompassing. Just like I want to be - wrapped up in someone entirely. Legs and arms around me. Stroking my hair and face. I dislike one side of my face being touched (surgery side) but he seemed sensitive to that. Somehow I let him stroke it more than any partner ever has.

Then we got onto kissing, he gave me so much attention - just like I wanted the day before - and we took it upstairs for hours. Mixed hotness and tenderness. Stroking his back and face for an hour just all over him and just lying holding each other after. 

Lying face to face he said “you’re awesome”.

I feel so relaxed and chilled now. I feel so warm and loved. I feel in love. I want to cry it feels so intense.

I don’t want to ever mess this one up. How could I bin him. I hope I never let irrational anger blow this again. He helps me feel so much better. I’m pleased I managed to keep my stuff together and not ruin a beaut evening by getting jealous. If I think back and worry about it I’ll just dismiss it and remember the times lying nose to nose in bed.

We will always have this evening and I didn’t mar it with jealousy or sulking or anything, it felt like we were a normal couple and I was being a normal person for once. 

I haven’t felt tears of happiness for years.