I love him and i would do anything for him. God knows that i have tried everything..everything in my power to be there for him..We are long distance currently . His time is 4 hours behind mine..i dont tell him ever that i do this but i stay up till 5 or 6 am so that i can be there for him if he needs me. I have a job as well. I have apologised in lengths for things i havent done..for emotional scars that i am not responsible for.
I dont know why he wont go to therapy..i have begged him..shown him through my own example..he just wont go to therapy or a psychiatrist for help. 
Its a cycle with us...he behaves rudely or becomes cold and distant, out of the blue then whenever i ask him if i have hurt him ..he gets so angry that i make everything about myself..a quality i used to have 2 years ago..i have changed..i have gone to lengths suppressing my own emotional needs just to prove that i infact do genuinely care about him..so to me it just feels like an attack..i know the lengths i have gone for him emotionally..i even went to therapy to resolve some of my issues and insecurities..idk i feel exhausted..i feel like i will never be enough in this relationship..i have given this my all..my whole fucking soul..i have given to this relationship..still from time to time..one mistake ..its one mistake..just one moment and its all gone..all my effort throughout the years goes down the drain..whenever hes down i am reminded of how he shouldnt have opened up to me..just half an hour ago..i asked if i had done something..he got so angry and told me that he shouldnt have opened up and that i make everything about us..is apologising so bad ? i would have made upto him ..why else would i have asked this question..
I feel inadequate and i wish he had gone for a woman who he thinks would understand him..at the same time i am scared to death of him leaving this world..i dont want him to die..whenever he is down..this shadow this fear follows me constantly..i cant stop thinking about his pain and suffering and how i am not able to fucking help..i feel so frustrated and helpless..just want to rip my viens out at this point..
i have hurt my arm with a tweezer ..the scars are still there..i did it for not being good enough for him and for hurting him..i have done this 3 times so far..over the course of months..i have hidden my tears and i dont know frankly what to do..i am not useful to someone i love dearly..someone i would go to any lengths for..the thought makes me want to do something to myself..idk what to do..i am emotionally exhuasted..i have prayed and prayed too..nothing works..i am drained now..but i wanna do more