I just feel so utterly invalidated by my own self. I hate the fact that I act inwards and sometimes I feel guilty by having the „wrong“ kind of bod. Like I’m not even good enough to get the real deal where I feel crazy and act accordingly, having intense relationships and anger fits. Instead I don’t even let people get close to me cause I‘m so scared of them leaving so I choose to be alone. And when I let someone come close to me, I act so bland, so I don’t do anything that may upset them. I don’t fight, I don’t set boundaries, and I feel unhappy even if to the other person everything seems fine. When I break up, I’m relieved I don’t have to pretend anymore and act indifferent as if that person didn’t mean anything because I don’t want to be vulnerable. I suffer in silence and feel crazy but can’t express my own feelings cause I don’t want other people to think I‘m weak, to others I’m this happy, almost perfect, always in a good mood person because I don’t want to do anything wrong that may make me unlikable but instead I just hide my own personality. I hate acting accordingly. But to family members, because the fear of being left isn’t there, I feel like I’m a horrible person. I scream, I’m moody, i hate doing tasks to help them cause they could do that themselves, I slam doors when I get too angry. And to myself I‘m even more horrible. I used to self-harm, I bang my head against walls, I hit myself, I binge as a form of selfharm because I don’t anyone to know I harm myself but if nobody saw I’d literally cut myself all over just for the sake of it. I don’t know how to express my feelings or deal with them so I put everything away in a box until it’s too full and it slams open. And then I take it out on myself or my sister and afterwards hate myself for it. I hate feeling crazy but not being able to show it. I would never commit suicide cause I don’t want to be „ohh that poor girl“ but the wish to die (which I had since I was nine) is and will always be there especially when I’m feeling low.