I moved back to my dad's house in the  middle of nowhere and I feel more anxious and suicidal than I have in years.My boyfriend and I were together for almost 5 years and we met in college and we were soulmates (although he hadn't officially proposed yet we agreed we wanted to get married in the future when we could afford nice rings, we had cheap ones as promise rings). We both became psychonaughts with our friends and the first time we bonded was watching the snow crystals on the window freeze and we talked about how we both special to each other, just as uniquely as we were tripping together. I started dating him in my second year of college and we both legitimately fell deep in love as dumb as that is. I never had anyone spark my soul and make me feel cared about, romantically. I lost my real virginity to him (I was sexually assaulted anally many times before we had met and he stood up to my abuser and made me feel safe, knowing my whole history of (child abuse, bullying ect.). His skitzophrenia wasn't very bad when we first started dating and he even volunteered in theatre just to be around me during rehearsal, we use to like to say, he lit up my spotlight for me, which he did as tech lights. I kept our photo album and I would be bawling right now if I had any more tears left. I feel dead inside from losing him, losing my medication in the move, my mother's abuse all through school and getting raped in college. 

I had to leave and take the kitten to my dad's farm, but unfortunately the older cat Bobby who was adopted when we all lived in the first house was kept with my boyfriend in the end. I tried to get Bob and bring him with his little sister but my boyfriend wouldn't allow it and said he needed Bob, even though I was the only one sharing human food with the cats and getting them water. I would trade my life to spare bobs anyday, that boy has been through too much already and if he dies, I don't know why I should be alive anymore or right now tbh.

Our relationship started out with a mixed diversity of our college friends and 5 of us shared a house. Only 1 boy and myself graduated, my boyfriend owes the school money and he couldn't continue in computer programming. I was lucky to be healthy enough to work for a theater scholarship to pay for my room and board for two years for acting and child psychiatry. (plus I worked at a daycare and accomplished my dreams that way) 

I was content besides a relationship, I had already;

*Competed in a national pageant at Disney world (I was alone while other girls were with their families, which was sad but taught me to be alone a bit). I brought home 6 awards that time and actually got royalty for the platform.

*Became a model and actress in a functioning agency and I have two movies listed on IMDb (I don't really get jobs anymore because it's very difficult for me to complete things) I always wanted to give birth and have a stay at home dad when I'm out auditioning or doing shoots.

*Ran away for spring break week 3 years in a row to, Panama city beach Florida and had a fucking fantastic time letting myself become a party animal with a couple of friends. (They don't want to talk to me now that I don't have the resources to go, but it made me feel more alive then I could ever managed)

I have developed a lot of chronic illnesses in the past 3 years. I have, Gastroparesis, Plantar fasciitis, Fibromyalgia, Anerobic Osteomyelitis, Asthma, POTS, Pernicious Anemia, Fowlers disease, Narcolepsy type 1, Endometriosis, GAD, C-PTSD, ADHD And Stolkholm Syndrome. 

I can't do the things I use to love anymore and it makes me so depressed. I can't even help my old relationship despite that we both love each other. He was getting physical with me, and hurting me like my mom did, but at first he tried to work and be a good boyfriend to me, and he was until we had to move out different times. After our friends each went their own separate ways, Blake and I tried to get a section 8 apartment but we were not successful because we didn't have enough saved back for a deposit and no credit scores. We went to live with his mom for half a year and she actually made me cry and kicked us out (I don't remember why). We went to a different family members house and she thought we were selling or doing drugs or something? She walked up the stairs one day and I was cleaning the bathroom and found an old bag with a few prescription bottles and plastic that looked like trash and I thought my boyfriend was behind me and I said instinctively, "hey baby what's this?" And kept looking for cleaning supplies but when I turned around it was his aunt and I apologized and tried to explain what I was doing but she got angry and kicked us out, which I shouldn't have been in that closet but she said we could use anything we found around there and she often stayed at her boyfriends place, I wasn't trying to be rude it was just an accident. Then we were at a hotel for about a week and we couldn't afford it anymore and became homeless. None of his family would help and my dad didn't believe me that I was living outside. Thankfully my boyfriend met this older gentleman named John who rented us his old garage for a few hundred a month. I'm on SSI and it all went towards that. My boyfriends health and mine has literally went down the toilet since all this. He's very manic right now and talking to people who aren't there, he says he's having nightmares and can't tell the difference between real or not. He gets admitted to the hospital several times a month for a few days. When he came home from the hospital he kept asking who was in my car or who was downstairs (I don't have friends or family besides my dad). He called the police and had them check out the garage because he said I let a bunch of people in, but the police quickly left. 

After all of this, it feels like I have no purpose in this earth and I can't do anything to help anyone except go die alone, which I will one day after my dad dies. I just want my old sweet boyfriend back. The one I could make conversations, jokes and have fun with. I really need Bobby the cat to be safe and I would risk my life to rescue him. I feel like total shit and I don't have friends or plugs to get things from. My life really is over.