i finally felt content. i had learned to put my past behind me, cus thats not me and it never will be. i learned to stand up to my abusive mother. i was starting to hang out with my friends again, playing games and seeing movies and staying up all night talking about stupid shit.

then it all just fucking crashed. harder than i think it ever has. my girlfriend got a job and will be working nights (6pm - 3am, likely), the only fucking time im awake. she has to work weekends too, the only time im allowed to really see her due to the schedule of the people i live with. shes my fp, has been for over 3 years. i cant do this shit. i dont want anyone else being around her, seeing her, spending time with her- i hate that, i hate the thought of it. i hate the thought of her falling in love with a coworker, or getting too busy and tired to talk to me anymore, or any other stupid shit my brain tries to convince me will happen.

i know its so, so, rare that any of those things could even happen- but my fucking heart is caught in my throat and im choking up and i want to cry and cut myself and drink till i cant see straight but im at her house and i cant cry in front of her again- she thinks im okay and i dont want to ruin her whole mood. i dont want to grow up. i dont want to be an adult. i am an adult, but i feel like i havent gotten any more mature since i was like 9. the thought of being alone and fending for myself fucking terrifies me. i dont want to be alive. but i dont want to die. i just want to fucking stop existing i wish i wasnt born i hate this im so close to fucking falling off the edge and im scared