I miss what my relationship was with my best friend, but now it’s finally over and I’m struggling really hard. It was always ups and downs. We were either super close and having a grand time, or we would have any disagreement and it would lead to being discarded. When things were good, they were so fun and happy or just.. close. When she’d leave it would make me absolutely in turmoil, but she seemed unaffected despite always telling me how important and loved/appreciated I was to her. 

I would often come back because I valued and missed her. Then she said how much she loved and missed me, and was happy to have me. She was often depressed, devalued herself, and worried about being alone. I was there for so many desperate moments, panic attacks, emotional phone calls, love life issues, etc. It made me want to come back and try again, try to be better, understand what I did wrong and work on myself to be better. 

It hurt more because she would have others in her life that she would fight for and be downright intense over. If she was afraid of losing them she would show up to their house, call from anonymous numbers if blocked, make scenes and arguments and get them back, so many things. As unhealthy as it sounds, I feel hurt she never did that with me. I was always the one to mildly come back and work things out.

Her diagnosis never changed how I saw her, I just tried to adapt and be understanding. I know I need to let go because our relationship isn’t healthy but it’s really difficult. She told me she cares for me and wants the friendship but changes her mind all the time and idk what to do anymore. I just want to move on and heal but I feel guilty and also sad. 

Idk idk idk