Hello everyone,

I am currently having some mental health issues. Before I begin explaining how I feel, let me give you some background. I started smoking weed like 2 years ago. Started off as just an activity on the weekends and it quickly became my life. Smoking 3 or 4 times a day was the norm. Had to smoke otherwise I didn’t feel like myself, felt awful had horrible withdrawals. I’m still dealing with my pot addiction right now, which I’m sure feeds into my mental health. After my tolerance to weed built so much that I really wasn’t even getting high anymore, I tried mushrooms. Had a great experience, nothing bad. Next I tried LSD and became hooked instantly. Used it for awhile, maybe once a week, until I had a really bad trip and stopped using. This bad trip constituted thoughts of worthlessness, I began to believe I was a loser and ugly and all this shit. While under the influence I convinced myself that my parents have been lying to me all my life and I’m actually a piece of shit ugly ass human being.  I used the way society treated me as evidence. During this I also started having suicidal thoughts. They continued for months after quitting. Flash forward 4 months, I’m in my first semester of college. I can handle my life and shit. While at college I start reaching out to people and make new friends however I get right back into my drug use. Started using lsd again, even more so this time. I would use it at least once a week, often twice, for like 10 or so weeks straight. This is where shit gets real bad for me. I’ve developed this sense that I’m somehow different than everyone else and most people don’t understand me and never will. Daily I think about my acid trips and whether or not it fucked me up or even if I’m fucked up. I’m experience a depression. I feel like life is absolutely pointless, everything we do, every success and failure and love and heartbreak is all bullshit. It doesn’t mean shit in reality, I don’t mean shit in reality. I feel like I’ve been disconnected from society and from myself. Sometimes I feel like I’m fake or something like I’m just going through the motions of life and not even thinking about it. A few times a day I will think about how I’m so goddamn bored with life in general and I just want to die. I don’t want to struggle or try or care. When I’m walking outside, especially alone, I’ve noticed some shit in my head. Instead of just walking to where I’m going like a normal person I’m all up in my head thinking about how all these people are looking at me and judging me as a walk down the street. I feel like everyone thinks I’m a weirdo. The words I say repeat over and over in my head. The words other people say repeat over and over in my head too. I feel like when I talk I sound cringey, i also feel like I say really stupid, irrelevant shit. Honestly it’s just become pretty much self-hatred. I don’t like the way I look, talk or act. I also feel like there’s something more to life than what I’m experiencing now. I feel like there has to be more than this. I see the activities that we partake in daily as chores. Repeated day in and day out and it’s this goddamn pattern that nobody can get out of. I feel like life and the society I’m living in is a pattern that I can’t get out. Can someone please just give me some direction on what to do. I have family and people who do love me. I just want to go back to “normal”