I know I am pushing everyone away, especially my parents, and I know that I am being a hypocrite when saying that I want someone to be there for me, offer me a helping hand without me having to say anything. But when just that happens, when my mom comes into my room, offering to scratch my back on the couch, I still refuse. I am just pushing her away, and I feel so fucking horrible when I do that, but I can not help it. I know my mom cares for me, and I know that she would do anything just for me to feel the slightest bit happy, but it fucking hurts. It hurts knowing that I am the reason why she looks at me with a pained expression. It hurts knowing that I am the reason she feels like a shit mother just because she can not make me happy. It fucking hurts, but I still push her away, and I don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t want to see her pained expression knowing that I am the one causing it. Perhaps I am just not letting myself receive the love my mom wants to give me because I think I deserve all the pain. I don’t know.