my first problem is that i don't feel real. i feel like i dont exist. i feel like im just dreaming about life. look up "depersonalization" if you want to know about that. 

second, i cant express my emotions anymore. people misunderstand me for this. when im happy, my face doesnt show it. when im sad, my face doesn't show it. its literally the same face most of the time. i really want people to see and understand me properly. if anyone knows what this is i'd appreciate if you'd tell me!

third, im seeing things. for example im just watching tv. out of nowhere, i see some kind of black figure near me but when i try to look at it it goes away.

fourth, i'm sooo bad at talking and thinking. let me explain. for the talking part, i just suddenly keep having a loss of words when i try to talk. like i just cant explain anything properly. and i always forget about what im saying. as for the thinking part, it feels like my mind is being blocked. i cant really give an example but whenever someone talks to me or asks me something, i really dont understand what theyre saying because my mind is not allowing me to. it feels like its blocked. 

lastly, someone else is controlling my mind. my mind is filled with thoughts i would NEVER EVER think of and they're mostly negative thoughts with bad intentions. like for example my mind out of nowhere thinks "what happens if i push that guy down the stairs" or "should i cut my fingers off" these are thoughts that i myself would never think of and its really bothering me. i just want to live in peace 

im sooo sorry if this isnt well explained. i tried my best but, just like i said above, my mind gets blocked when i try to think and im just so bad at explaining things. its really hard for me and ive tried my best. if you could help me by identifying what "illnesses" i have, i'd be extremely really grateful. i've experienced depersonalization ever since i was in 5th grade (i was just a 10 year old) then as i grow older i just started getting worst day by day.