recently, i feel like my mental health has been deteriorating and idk what to do. the past few months weren’t that bad but ive had some bad moments that have eventually led up to now. it just feels like my mind is consumed by so much negativity and im having so much issues with a various things that i feel so overwhelmed.

i feel like my physical health is a big part of this. earlier in 2021 i had so much ambition to become healthy, and fit. fyi im a very skinny and underweight person so it was a pretty big goal for me. that was until i decided to “dirty bulk” as it felt hard for me to gain weight. even still, it did not last long and i probably wont do it again. it felt like i just kept giving myself excuses to not eat healthy. that happened until mid last year, when started my job and i stopped working out and dieting completely.

i would completely like to start getting into fitness again, but right now im deep in a hole of laziness and junk/fast food addiction and its harder to get out than it seems. i feel like it impacts my mental health tremendously. one big part is advice that ive heard, to eat what i enjoy if im going to do a bulk but i found it hard to enjoy many of the healthier options and my mind just went to junk food. i also feel like i dont drink enough water as i should.

another big part is my job which i just kinda mentioned. ever since i started (mid 2021), my lack of motivation started increasing as i was becoming more lazier because of my job. it felt very hard to accustom gym life into work life because i have full availability. something my therapist told me was to just go even if i felt lazy and essentially force myself to do things but it feels so hard. i requested for pto in a couple weeks so i would have a small break to try to adjust myself thankfully

one thing that’s affecting my mental health that i feel a bit more embarrassed to talk about is my romantic life. i tend to still maintain a few obsessions when it comes to relationships and its a trait i feel i need to let go of. it does not benefit me and i am afraid of becoming too obsessive. i also feel like my friend who dont get me wrong, i enjoy the company of, but he is kinda a bad influence on my view of relationships because ive never had any urgency to get a girlfriend. ive always felt like it’ll come along the way but he is the opposite, coming out of a relationship and having such an urgency and desperation to get back into one. somehow it feels like this tendency is latching onto me which i dont want to happen.

one last thing i should mention is sleep and gaming. sleep has always been a big issue for me and it is not getting any better. staying up late at night doesnt even feel fun anymore. i feel like this is why i wasnt able to really progress when i used to work out. now about my gaming, i feel like video games are the only thing that make me happy right now. i love video games but they are detrimental to my sleep since i stay up late playing them and i lose time during the day. i cant let go of video games but i need to fix my entire schedule. my internal clock is so messed up and i find it hard to sleep at a reasonable time

anyways i hope someone read this because i seriously need the help rn. i want to cry but its so hard. i was just trying to sleep but my head is just overwhelmed by all these thoughts. my head feels like such a dark place right now. i feel so hateful and pessimistic towards a lot of things which is not a pleasing feeling and it doesnt make things any better. any advice would be appreciated