Everytime I make effort to get my life on track, get better, feel better. When i feel like I finally managed my anxiety, that i can start taking care of myself, that i make plan to go back to the office ( been WFH ), to start my hobbies again, everytime i feel like i have this new routine down and working, everytime i feel like i can finally breath..

Life decided to throw shit at me again, and i have to start all over again. 

I've been dealing with GAD and depression for a while now, i've always been a very anxious person but the worst start when my mom had her first accident 4 years ago and our life completely changed. Everytime we are making it work or we are getting use to her health condition, there's always a shit bomb waiting for us somewhere, and then we go deeper. It's been a never ending circle since 4years and i just couldn'T handle it anymore, so I decided to finally use medical health ( started effexor for GAD and depression) It was very very hard, dealing with my mom new accident and the side effect was terrible, but then I start feeling better, we had a plan for my mom care, everything seems to 'work" it wasn't perfect, it wasn't simple, but it was going to work, I had hope, plans again.  


Yesterday i was on a cloud, I had a good start of the week at work, finally got my driving license at 29, treat myself to some clothes, drew a bit

And then the bomb dropped again, they refused my mom for rehabilitation saying it's useless after spending 3weeks telling us she had potential, now they are juste leaving her to die and letting us "deal with it" and everything is collapsing again.

And i know it's dumb, and it have no correlation, but it's been that pattern for my entire life and i can't help but feel guilty. Like if I didn't had a right to be happy, like i was attracting all this bad karma. And then i feel guilty for being so entitle when some people are orphans, and other are just starving.  


 I just feel cursed.