Long story short: I have a small group of girlfriends aged 30-40. Most of us have some kind of mental illness (ADHD, depression, BPD in recovery, anxiety, etc.) and are in treatment. We've been a great support group for one another and it's been awesome to have these folks in my life. 

One of the five of us refuses to get treatment, had a moment of drama where she blamed us for leaving her out (we could document that every event had been discussed and she had been invited), and went on and on about drama in ways that were a bit manipulative and involved some gas lighting. We all reacted differently, but have ended up reforming the group without her, essentially, because we know ourselves enough to understand the need to set boundaries. We've all been left out of things or the odd-woman out in the past, and it wasn't our intent... but whereas most of us were all trying to talk about how to communicate better, express expectations, and validating her feelings without admitting we were terrible people, and looking for ways to move forward... she was shutting down conversation, victimizing herself, becoming defensive, listing events from months prior and remembering them in ways that we can actually document were not true, and saying things like "this is why i never have female friends; everyone is so dramatic." 

Anyway-- long story short-- she is having serious fights with her husband, victimizing herself at work constantly, and looking for help on one hand, but unable to accept it at all or ask for specific help with specific things.  

We have all assumed one or two diagnoses, but I'll leave that out. She also lost a parent last year and, from where we are sitting, has not been able to process this. This is impacting her life in an extreme way, impacting her relationship with her husband, putting her career at risk, and it seems as if she is on a serious downward spiral. 

I still care about her, but with my own mental health stuff, I don't have the energy to take it all on. She is totally and utterly unwilling to look at herself or get help. I think she is seeing at least one psychiatrist (she mentioned switching antidepressants)... but isn't in therapy, and is a FANTASTIC actress. None of us (including her husband) have seen her look at herself critically, be able to apologize to anyone when she lashes out, or take any kind of responsibility. She has built up walls. I've heard her talk about depression, but her actions make us all think it goes beyond that. 

How do we get her to want to get help? I am afraid that because of the antagonism related to the events the past few months, I'm not a good person to help her (and she won't be able to see me as an ally or advocate but  more of an adversary?). But I DO want her to get help; I DO still care. 

Do interventions work (even if I am not the right person to do it?)? Are there other options? I'm afraid she is going downhill really fast and there's a chance she may turn to self-harm. Thoughts? Ideas? I don't want to abandon her, but I also need to keep myself healthy. 
