Here’s the issue in a nutshell. I think about sex constantly. It’s absolutely the only thing that brings me great pleasure, escape and satisfaction. With bpd I feel so awful or empty all the time and while I really do love her, sex/porn/masturbation is my favorite thing in the world. It’s the only thing that temporarily stops the constant horror that is bpd. The problem is that sometimes I wonder if I’m marrying the right person specifically because she’s not even close to my level in regards to how obsessed I am with sex. She’s always willing and accepting when I want to have sex. She’s very open to trying whatever I want and she’s totally cool with me watching porn. Most people’s dream right? Well, it gets to me that I’m always the initiator. I’m the only one who comes up with creative or fun things to try. When I don’t initiate or come up with ideas we basically don’t have sex. It’s a very casual thing to her while to me it’s my whole world. Sometimes I wonder if I need a woman who’s a sex fiend like me. What sucks is I love this woman to death and she’s the first woman I was able to have sex with. For years I never dated or had sex because of trauma and bpd and she made me feel safe enough to have sex with her. But I still feel kind of disappointed in sex. It’s not what I thought it was going to be. Maybe I spent too many years watching crazy porn and it raised my expectations to an unrealistic level. Sex is just a huge bummer to me.