I've recently realized how absolutely horrible my life was and still is. For context, I've suffered multiple natural disasters and seen very traumatic things at a very young age. I've seen my brother get his thigh sliced open down to the bone by a shard of glass from a tornado at the age of 3-4, I've had a family member attempt suicide at around the age of 12-13, had my brother forcefully removed from my life for a few years since the age of 10, had my mother (who was an alcoholic) force me into situations where I got highly uncomfortable and even squeezed me to a point of pain, and more. And all of this just accumulated. I've always felt distant and numb, almost as if I've never lived life in any way. I act just fine on the outside, but on the inside, I don't feel happy or sad. Or feel at all. I've always wanted to disappear. And having decent dysphoria due to being trans and fairly constantly uncomfortable in my body hasn't helped. Only recently has my body felt any form of being, me. But it hasn't really helped. I just wish I could fade out of existence. If anyone were to care about me, I just wish they wouldn't. Then maybe I could just disappear. Sometimes I've thought of taking my own life, but never have because I've had someone who cared for me. But now that urge has gotten stronger and stronger. I feel so, wrong. Like as if I'm just a husk trodding by every day and never really feel like I mean anything or could ever make even the slightest of impacts. Tonight, I'm contemplating cutting my arm. I have sharp objects to be able to do it with. Maybe that can give me some form of relief. I just need to worry about the blood I may leave behind.