Even right now, my mind is just not here enough to come up with a good title. I have just become so frustrated with what my mind has eventually come to and having so much trouble just trying to process words to write this post and it's making me pretty blue+tearful. I don't know if it's directly tied to BPII depressive stuff, but it sure feels like it.

You know that feeling when you're trying to learn something and it's *just not absorbing?* Your brain will just not take another step. Like when you are trying to solve a problem, and "what's the next step?" and your brain just keeps feeding you back "I don't know," and you just cannot even imagine or come up with anything more than what you have right now? Your brain has just *given up* without giving a reason, and nothing has just happened to bring it on. I haven't felt this in years, not since I was still giving school a try. But just now I was trying to solve a problem in a little creative writing project and the bottom just dropped out on my ability to think. It's like I had some kind of cognitive blackout, my ability to think just disappeared. In the process of writing this whole thing, it's started to come back, but it was kind of scary for a second there the sort of dead my mind became. 

Being able to come up with new thoughts and ideas is also something that hasn't come to me for around 6 years, when I was 19-ish. I used to constantly be coming up with new ideas and projects, stuff constantly brewing in my mind. On walks, during meals, while listening to music, watching movies+TV, talking to other people, while crafting and making art: it was always going, always making new things. Then at some point, it all stopped. That just doesn't happen anymore. Sometimes I'll have an idea of something to do, but it's like 5 a year. To feel so creatively dead is so hugely troubling. I love to make art, to draw, to write, to glue junk together; in another time and place, I would have done nothing but make art for the rest of my life. But to have this seemingly completely die out is so absolutely soul-crushing and distressing. I've tried to understand if it's a loss of motivation, loss of inspiration, loss of some other thing I don't know the name of? and found nothing conclusive, nothing to tell me what this that I've lost is called, and by extension, nothing that would help me bring it back. 

I'd hope that knowing that either of these things has a name would bring me some kind of peace and an action plan. If nothing else, I'd hope that someone will read this and not feel so alone or lost in this strange, un-nameable, difficult-to-describe thing. If you have any resources that you think might help out, don't hesitate to send them my way. They just might change my present and future.