I'm not quite sure of it's okay to post this here since I am not certain I'm really someone with BPD, but I do can relate to most of the symptoms.

Thing is I've been having kind of a virtual relationship with a boy for almost 2 years now. I fell for him madly, I built up this wonderful fantasy and the idea about him that kept me going and made me improve myself a lot. Of course it was my work, but he motivated me, and I'll be thankful forever.

Now I decided to end this. I knew for a long time this is not healthy for me, he was my fp, and oftentimes he messaged anything in what seemed to me like a more cold/distant tone, I started splitting or searching for a way to get more attention or revenging/testing him with my isolation.

He was interested in me as well, but since the "relationship" never really became more serious (we never actually saw each other) after almost 2 years, I decided it's time to distance myself because it's keeping me from working on actual relationships.

This made me realise... I am at this point unable to actually love, not just fall in love with ideas I form. There's a boy in my town that's interested in me romantically, although I'm not that much into him. I am afraid, keeping the walls I've been building since childhood high up, only fantasies being skillful enough to climb them. But since they aren't real, they too are leaving me only more hurt... 

Which makes me think I shouldn't really try to build romantic relationships. I don't want to hurt people, feeling like the only solution is isolating myself.

I know this is not the correct way. Maybe you have ideas how to deal with this better, since my therapy starts only in February. But more or less shared this with the reason to vent, so it'll be also helpful if you just read it.