I feel like I’m giving up today was the first day in 3 days I’ve gotten out of bed just for more disappointment and hurt, my schedule is ruined I’m up at 5 am watching a show wishing for a life better then mine why am I so fucking selfish to think I deserve better, I thought my life would be so much more than it is by now and it’s not, I’m a adult who cries randomly I dissociate my emotions are everywhere and sometimes no where I have a headache and a cold and nothing feels right I want to shave my head so my hair will stop touching my face I wanna get rid of my face cause it don’t move properly I’m losing control of myself, I feel so unloved and I know it’s not true but im hurting sm nothing is what it’s supposed to be and I hate myself for it I didn’t chose this I didn’t choose for my brain to not work right I have no friends litterally none and I try so hard to make and keep them but they all end up hating me, I can’t practice my religion cause I can’t tell the difference between it and my phychosis im hurting sm I want to be better I can’t live like this anymore I want my brain to be normal im sorry for this pitty party I just can’t handle it anymore I watch tv to escape I quit my job cause of the screaming and hostility and for a false promise im drowning im drowning in drowning in having a silent panic attack rn and I think im drowning, I have no one to talk to my therapist (despite my diagnosis through a physiatrist) refuses to believe my diagnosis nor take it seriously cause im so fake around her she always gets me on a good day, my family don’t care about my they are all on drugs and refuse to help in anyway they refuse to even listen to me saying I stress them out or they don’t care im suffocating everything hurts I have so much to get done and it should’ve been done as of yesterday im sick of this small town I hate my body I hate how I look I hate how I don’t recognize my reflection I hate trying to wear makeup cause my face is wrong and won’t move correctly, I hate trying to be confident when im not anyone’s beauty standard, I hate being compared to everyone around why am I always the ugly friend, I want to be better I want to be something I want to relapse so I can feel something good again, im taunted everyday in this small town cause of my trauma what did I do to deserve this I haven’t even had time to process my trauma from literal years ago cause trauma just keeps adding on, I think I’m dieing cause why would a healthy person feel like this, but I don’t wanna die im so scarred of death, death won’t free me I keep trying to distract myself fro. How miserable I am and I am failing idk what to do someone please fuxking help me I think im dieing