I tried, I got in the car and started driving the hour to the Airbnb and almost immediately started having a panic attack. It wouldn’t subside. I pulled over got one of the 4 mini bottles of vodka and drank. I texted my mom “im sorry I can’t do it, I tired. I can’t stop having panic attacks”. She messaged me two green check marks. 

I was roommates with my oldest brother for two years. We are 12 years apart and I was 18 when I moved in. He was supposed to move out and I was going to have 2 female roommates but instead he manipulated my  mom into thinking I couldn’t handle the place on my own. During the next two years he verbally abused, gaslite and roped me into terrible financial decisions. He was a narcissist. Being raised with the “suffer in silence attitude” i stayed. 

My mom also new how much pain I was in in highschool and neglected to ever do anything about it. Over time, I stopped being able to trust her. My dad is also a narcissist who I stopped talking to in 8th grade. 

I no doubt have my own toxicity. I’d like to think I got bit by the snake and am now poisonous. Not that I am the snake. I am trying not to perpetuate what’s happened to me or be a victim. But I can feel myself detached from everyone. I can’t connect. I’m so ashamed that this is what happened, this is where my life lead, I don’t love my family or relate to them. Not being believed can make you go a little crazy. 

Does this mean I don’t know what love is? That im not capable of it? Because I can’t just forgive and forget or in other words, act like nothings wrong, I’m the bad one. I have been mostly quiet, I haven’t slit my wrists even when I wanted to. I want to this weekend.