I guess a little about me- I'm 20 (21 in less than a week) female currently attending Uni and diagnosed BPD with  anxiety, depression and severe OCD. I guess right now I just need a place to talk, I skipped therapy today since I couldn't get out of bed and I know I shouldn't have but I can't help it. This is long. 

I've been in this...slump/depression I guess... for two ish weeks now. I skipped all my classes and ignored all of my club meetings and workshops. I made it to one review session but other than that haven't even looked at the material for classes. I haven't done a single piece of homework in over a month and I even skipped an exam. Some how I've been going to work. Sometimes late, called in twice, but for the most part I've been going and I don't know why I can motivate myself to do that but nothing else.

I'm frustrated with myself that I'm acting like this. Especially since I'm so self aware of what's going on and yet I still cant seem to change it. Self motivation doesn't seem to be enough to get over it this time. My therapist did say that it's a baby step, that at least there is something I can get out of bed for by myself and I need to figure out why that is. I thought its because I enjoy my job and that people rely on me but the truth is there are other things in my life that people rely on me more for and/or that I enjoy more and yet I cant seem to get out of bed for that.  

Its going into final week and I just stopped caring, I stopped caring about school and grades cause they suck anyways and I'm not going to be able to transfer which is my current goal. And I know if I want to transfer and if I ever want to graduate I need to care about classes but I just cant which makes me mad at myself because it's no one's fault but my own. Ive been failing when everyone else is succeeding even though I've tried so hard so I think I gave up, I just stopped trying. 

I stopped going to soccer practices and games (I've played since I was 4 and am currently playing at a competitive level and soccer is my life) because I have no energy to play and Ive lost the love for the sport that I once had. My team got mad and then they stopped caring that I'm not showing. "If they don't care about me or about me coming, why should I bother" mentality sticks and I cant get myself to go now because I feel like I'm not wanted there even though I miss it and want to play. 

I stopped working out even though Ive started to gain weight, I've started unhealthy eating patterns, and binge eating, and I hate how my body looks. As if my OCD (compulsive skin picking) doesn't wear on my self confidence enough, everything I put on makes me look fat.

I skipped my friends birthday party. I promised her I'd be there and then last minute made up an excuse not to go. And I'm sure she hates me for it. This isn't the first time I've bailed on her. I just couldn't go and be social, I didn't want to be around people especially happy people when I'm so glum because I knew it'd bring everyone down. I know it meant a lot to her so in a way I was trying not to ruin the party for her by going but she wont see it like that and I'm not sure if she'll forgive me. 

I'm just mad at myself, all the time, for being such a failure, for going through this, for not being able to fix it myself.  

