but being the villain and all I guess I still kind of would want some kindness. Just reading me would be enough. 

It's long. Sorry about it. 

I met a guy 5 years ago, in 2017. I felt a connection with him that I hadn't felt for anyone else, like we were almost the same person, you know the drill. I asked him out because it was my impression that he liked me too, because when we talked everything was perfect, we had a lot of things in common. I felt like he saw me and I saw him, like really see him. He said no, he was with  someone and he was planning on moving abroad. It hurt but oh well, what can you do. In the meantime I went on with my life. 

I found another man. I didn't feel the same connection with him, but he cared about me. We had our issues but it was a good relationship all in all. I kept thinking about the other guy all the time though. I was obsessed with the idea that we were perfect for each other and it hurt me that he didn't give me the chance to prove it. At some point however I finally said to myself: you did everything right, you had the courage to ask him out, you tried and you didn't win, but that's life. I let go, I actually let go! For all my obsessive people out there, you know that's huge. 

But it's 2020 and the guy comes back. He starts talking to me like before. Everything is perfect like in 2017. Except I'm not single. I'm with my boyfriend of 2 years now. I thought at first it's just talking. It means nothing. But then he asked me to go to his place and I knew that this was what I had been wanting for all those years. 
I cheated. It was horrible. For a year I was with this guy that I really felt connected with in a way that I can't even begin to explain  while at the same time being with my boyfriend, who was kind and caring and didn't deserve being cheated on at all. As I said I'm not the good guy here. 

Now, eventually I called it off with my boyfriend. I got a scholarship to study abroad for a year, so I sort of used that as an excuse, even though the relationship was deteriorating for other reasons, not just the cheating but we were incompatible in many aspects. I never told him I cheated btw. I feel that if you do that, you don't tell the person. You carry that guilt alone. 

Was it worth it? Well, my connection with this other guy was there. Now that i was only with him, i felt free. We had passion but also moments of tenderness. A message from him could make my day. But here's the catch: he would ghost me for days or weeks. If I asked him what was wrong he would tell me he was busy or answer in one liners. Now, when he felt like it, he would shower me with attention. He would talk to me for hours, he would buy a nice wine and even make dinner. I wanted to make him happy, so I didn't push him. He said he wanted an open relationship, he wants something relaxed, he doesn't want drama, doesn't want to be tied up, so I accepted, it wasn't like I wanted to marry him and have his babies. I just wanted to be in his life. How, it didn't matter. It was always about him, and I complied because I wanted him to stay. As I said all I wanted was to be a part of his life, however small that part was. 

Last summer before I left for my scholarship he said to me that a year wasn't really that long. He was very supportive in his own way. He gave me a present before I left, one of his favorite books. I invited him to come of course, but he declined. It made sense, it's unfair to ask someone to turn their lives around just because of you.  

I thought it could work, you know. The long distance thing. Every week we would talk about our days. I would show him where I had been, he would tell me about his job and stuff. We would also have some fiery conversations. 10 months we went on like this.

Last couple of weeks however he ghosts. It's normal in him, as I said. He disappears, it's what he does. He always has an excuse (never an apology though). But this time is different. When he comes back he just tells me that he's seeing someone and he's not going to talk much to me anymore. He posts pictures of his new girlfriend. He goes out with her, he cooks with her. Introduces her to his friends. Me, he kept hidden like dirty laundry for over a year in his bedroom. I has asked him to go to art exhibitions, places he liked, he always said no. This girl in two weeks is already his girlfriend. Officially. Now he doesn't spare me a word. I don't mean of course a word of affection, because he is with someone. But a word of kindness. A word of friendship. 

It hurts. Of course it hurts. It's karma, I get it. I'm not the good guy. I deserve every ghosting I got from him, I deserve the break up, I deserve the pain in my chest. I deserve the waking up crying, the going to sleep crying. I deserve the not being able to eat. I deserve it all. 

And yet. 

After a week of not sleeping right, throwing up whatever little I can eat that's not liquid, of popping pills (dont worry, they're prescribed, I've had  anxiety and depression for 13 years now), mixing them with alcohol, I wonder how much pain do you think I can endure? How much pain do you think I deserve? I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and it's not moving. I feel like I swallowed a rock and it's not moving from my stomach. Nothing is moving, even though I am literally on the move. I go from country to country, city to city. All I think of is him. He seems to be the only thing that  can stay down in my body. I think of my ex boyfriend, I think of the horrible thing I did to him. That also seems to be able to stay down. 

I'm completely alone and I deserve it, I'll say it forever. But how much pain can fit in one body, do you think?