i’m not an unhappy person. i don’t wish to die or harm myself. i’m grateful for so many things, and i genuinely look forward to life. but it’s so fucking *hard* living with the brain i have. every day is an inescapable hell. sometimes i get on the same spiral for a week at a time without being able to control it. i’ve been through so many pills, so much therapy, and i’m making progress, but god fucking damn. it’s so sad that i lived 20 years thinking it was normal to suffer this much. everything hurts me. every little thing. i feel more anguish in five minutes than my friends normally feel in a week. i’m in so much constant pain trying just to keep up. i wake up and feel for about five minutes what it’s like to be free. and then i remember how fucking broken my brain is. i remember the reality that was two seconds ago and how i’m so far from having it because my mind is messed up. then it’s all down hill from there. 

it’s so hard to keep living sometimes.