I’m manic but without the violent tendencies and possibly, or most likely bpd. I accept it all. I am my enemy. You know i haven’t seen her since 2018 but, I miss her hand on my cheek and the blade stuck in my back. I feel like for as toxic and abusive as it was, it was the last time I was happy and able to not pretend to be happy for the sake of others. Yeah I sat on the stairs in the backyard and Rika didn’t understand my crying, she just wanted me to throw the ball, but if she made me feel like shit for 5 days out of the week, she gave me two days to experience happiness. I knew I could never replace him and it was inevitable that she’d choose him over me. What good was I as a husband anyway? They knew each other since she was 18. That’s a really long head start on what we had. I always knew I was just a way to kill time and I knew all her motivation was for his approval. Yes it hurt having her ex boyfriend tell me that he decided that our marriage needed to end and that no matter what, she’d come running to him if he snapped his fingers. Still, thank you Anne. I cherish these scars and this mess you made of my mind state. You were the last person who gave me a little bit of happiness. You didn’t mean it when you said you loved me, but I let myself enjoy the lie until I couldn’t have it anymore. At least you pretended I was worth keeping around. I can’t say the same for anyone else and I DON’T expect anyone else to even pretend. It’s not worth the wasted energy. As always I love you Annie and for all the shitty times, I’ll always only remember the times I fooled myself and accepted the false truth. I just wish you’d continue hurting me, but you were never mine. My “I do” was sincere and came from the depths of my being, “yours was just there until he decided it to tell you it didn’t mean anything. Love always, Ryan.