i have felt it a lot recently, its like every little thing reminds me of how utterly fkn useless i am compared to anyone else who in my mind is better than me in every way possible.

&amp;#x200B;

like i could be having a conversation with my fp and they'll bring up another friend of theirs and ill feel this awful clawing jealousy along with these thoughts of 'obviously they prefer THEM over you, THEY are better at this than you' so i sit there feeling like utter shit, but ofc i have to internalize it, let it build up and when im away, i implode &amp; then act like nothing happened. act like everything is alright and that i am totally not cursing that friend out when they have done nothing wrong but... be friends with my best friend? 

idk, i just wish this didnt happen. that i could talk to people and not get this feeling whenever someone else is mentioned. and i feel like the only place i can really talk about this is here, because every other time ive tried to voice this ive been told im being too dramatic or that i need to cut people off but ofc, its not that easy. i wont cut someone off over something like this because, they havent done anything wrong? it just feels like they have. idk im just rambling now, im just so fucking jealous man. i wanna be good at something, be a good friend, be their number one but thats unrealistic..