I get these bouts of feeling kinda numb yet distressed about the fact im existing. like feeling disconnected from the world around me but more intense. Its been getting worse recently. sometimes i feel empty, sometimes i start to panic and cry, sometimes it gets too much i just drop everything im doing and take out the intensity by doing something else. sometimes its self harm or like today i got off the bus and just started walking for a solid one hour straight in a neighbourhood i dont even know. 

it doesnt help that it doesnt feel like anyone around me has this problem. like im sure they've thought about "hey what if life isnt real" before but this feeling of being so hyper aware of existing its mental torture doesnt seem to happen to those around me. i know im not them and i dont know their experiences, but it doesnt help that they all feel so superfical? like they are just,, living, you know? 

not that its a bad thing, but it makes me scared to tell people about this kind of thing because they might not take me seriously or try to laugh it off when its real and it hurts. its like i cant connect with people because of this.

ive always had an issue with connecting to people since i was a kid. i have a hard time being genuinely open and vulnerable since to me they dont feel,, real? like people exist. but thats it.

i've been diagnosed with some mental illness relsted stuff in the past. i dont know if that helps explain anything. had an eating disorder and tired offing myself. i've had my fair share of run ins with panic attacks and all that crap stuff. but i think im better now.

i hope someone out there feels this same disconnection as i do? not that its a good feeling but i know i cant be the only one who feels this way.