I am so confused and feel like such a pathetic person. A weak and ridiculous person.

I was abused as a child, in my home of which was always full of lots of people, 'family friends' or people they just met and everyone was always highly intoxicated. Booze, drugs everything all infront of my little self.

I have a blanked out memory of what fully happened to me and who that was. I am paranoid it is someone who is still very close to me, I feel sick and I hate them. Yet I still say love you and I still keep that relationship.

I'm in a long term intimate relationship and they have lied to me on numerous occasions and spoken with lots of other people, spoke negatively about me and my aspirations to close friends of mine yet i always stay with him, plan our future and live with him.

How do i break these cycles where I just self sacrifice. I dont even feel like I'm living my life and I feel like a shell of a person. I cant disconnect as I feel to bad for THEM.

Any advice?