He was my first relationship, and my first love, we met when I was 16 I’m now 19. He didn’t even treat me good. In the three years I knew him he never took me out on a date, did anything special for me, didn’t get me presents on my birthday, Christmas, anything (he had the money and the time). Which was okay. I just wanted his company, I loved loving him and being loved by him. I liked spending time with him, counting the freckles on his back, just absorbing each other. I can’t explain it, but I can’t stop picturing being sat on his lap and watching him laugh and feeling like melting because I knew it was me who was making him laugh. 

He decided I was too crazy a week ago and left, I think for good this time. He used me to make himself a better person, I taught him how to be a better man and partner and I was here for him through all the horrible things that happened and all the horrible,
Horrible things he’s done to me. I just wanted him to stay with me and support me through those bpd episodes (which are admittedly intense and toxic but I dunno) and he promised he’d stay but he’s gone

I feel like I’m dying, I feel like nothings going to be okay ever again, I feel so alone even though I have people around me. I genuinely feel like he has died and I am dying. I wake up and I can’t breathe, can’t eat, can’t move. What hurts me the most is he promised he’d never leave me, told me we’d tackle my mental illness together, we planned our lives together, what names we want for our children and how many we wanted. He was my best friend, I do not care about anyone else on the planet the way I care for him. I’m so sick of my friends saying it’s going to get better and I’ll find someone who makes me feel a million times more loved. I know that, but that’s not what I want. I want him to be here, back with me, in my arms. I feel so so so so broken. I dunno why I typed this oit, I just want this pain to stop