I have to deal with divorce parents. If that isn’t hard enough, they are completely different people and completely different parents.

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They both have different political opinions. I feel like I don’t have my own opinions because I change them when I’m talking to someone else. Im a people pleaser. I tell them what they want to hear. My anxiety sky rockets due to this. What makes me mad is that I have to do this for my own protection. Because I get anxious when ever they ask why I think that. I don’t have a fucking clue, I’m just agreeing with you.   


I have to know what’s happening next, I’ve alway been like that. I always ask what’s next, what are we doing after this. Before I thought I just liked to know, but know I get anxious not knowing what’s happening next. I could never have someone tell me “Hey go pack some clothes, we are going somewhere.” I would ask a billion questions to the point to where they don’t even want to go anymore. It’s happened to me before.   


The only place I know I’m completely safe from all of that is either in my room or in the basement. Often hanging out with my cat. It’s calming being alone. At my moms house, I’m constantly anxious because it’s so sporadic, nothing is ever set in stone. The only things that are, are appointments and such.   


I was recently taken off my meds to see if I actually need them. My dad was right, he said I don’t need them at his house. I’ll explain in a second. But I definitely need them at my moms. I hate going there. Yet I could never complain because they would get mad at me for complaining, yet they can go screaming around the house about how bad it is. We are in a super small house for us after ours burnt down.   


At my dads house, it’s so much better. Its hard to explain why though. My mom thinks it’s because I play video games there, I know that’s not the reason. At my dads it’s just more welcoming, I almost always know what we’re are doing that entire week when I get there. I get to be alone, my mom makes me talk with them, I hate doing that, I’d rather be in my room. My dad lets me be in my room for as long as I want. I’m just happier there. 

Over the last year I think I’ve gotten depression as well. I know it’s a mental illness but Ive had lots of signs for it. I am tired a lot, I often don’t have much energy, I don’t enjoy the things I usually do. I really want to deny it but I really think I’ve started to go down that path, it scares me.

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Please comment, I need someone to talk to these days, I can’t see my friends due to virtual, they were the only people that really made me happy. I’ve had practice and talked to them. I know for a fact that they make me happy, other things just don’t anymore. Please comment if you can help me at all.