i've been struggling with a feeling of blandness out of my life for a lot of time but in more recent years it has gotten worse and turned into something more serious, i constantly feel terrible and like nothing is what i want anymore, i thought i just needed to occupy myself, so i surrounded myself with people, found the carrer of my dreams and spent more time with my family, but i realized it didn't change anything, i still felt terrible for some reason, then suddenly i realized that while i was surrounding myself with people, i was pushing other people away, and trying to ruin things for us, i started losing the courage to talk to people even though i desperately wanted to talk to them, what i wanted for my life while still enjoyable, i suddenly just didn't do it, i stopped and couldn't bring myself to do it again, and i just drifted away from my family again for some reason, i suddenly didn't want to take care of myself and felt like i was denying anything that could help me, i even struggled to make myself post this and look for help, and i feel it'll be an even bigger struggle to accept any advice but i will try my best, long story short is that i desperately want to be happy but keep distancing myself from that involuntarily and i want find a way to stop