I know it gets old. I know I'm the one that brings everyone down but it really made me just want to isolate myself and consider leaving my relationship. My bf and I have been together for a few months and honestly I'm still recovering from narc abuse from my ex but I just feel bad all the time. I cry to him I have flashbacks and panic attacks and the more I open up the more I just feel like it's pointless. It's not the first time he's made comments like this, a week ago he was talking about how his grandparents hate each other and I was like yeah that's what happens after so many years you just get annoyed with one another "yeah I can see myself getting annoying hearing trauma this trauma that". Both conversations we were drunk and I shrugged it off but it hurts. I've lost so many people in my life because "i'm so depressing" and it's not like I want to be like this. I've been in and out of therapy for 17 years. Have tried over 20 different prescription medications. I read self help books all the time. Hell, I even went to college for several years to study psychology. I'm very self aware and mindful and upfront about my conditions and I thought the more I learned about myself and got help the better I would feel but it just doesn't happen. Even with psychedelics and cannabis I've had amazing eye opening experiences and saw my trauma from a different perspective but it doesn't change anything. I'm not like other people. I don't fit in because of my abuse. And I'm just becoming so angry at the people around me. I don't understand how people live and function and hide their emotions. I don't understand how it's so easy for everyone else to just take all their baggage and hide it away and not open up to others about it. I'm so vocal and expressive but the rest of the world just hides their problems and I know it's not healthy to talk about trauma 24/7 but I also don't think it's healthy to repress it. I don't know what to do. I'm losing everyone around me and for a while I thought "well they're just shit people and if they really cared about me they'd be there" but I know I'm the problem but it's my personality. I have a personality disorder. How the hell am I supposed to change my personality without feeling like I'm not being true to myself??? :c