I want to be happy about the new job but it's been one week clean and I hate being alone with my thoughts. I want to be alone but with no real thoughts at all. Everything is so stressful and I've been avoiding all of it so much that it's snowballed to the point where I can't stand to think about any of it or I shut down. Those are the moments where I definitely wish I could get high. I've been extremely down and basically dead inside this week, skipping classes and sleeping all day. This job is my first real internship after only working in restaurants all my life (which is of course horribly draining and I'm so excited to get out of it) so I should be super hyped to get my career started but, as I've been saying to some friends "I got the job but I still have depression/BPD/anxiety, what gives?" I know success isn't a miracle cure, but this success actually feels like a major setback. I miss my fake medication every day. Have no motivation to do absolutely anything otherwise.