So I'm a 43 year old, diagnosed with bpd.  So nice to have found such a sizable group to feel comfortable in.

Question - do any of you find yourself only opening up intimately to people who are unattainable?  I only open up to men I know won't be with me long term.  It's super passionate and strong feelings and consciously a dead end.  

Single, available guys are a huge turnoff to me in a "I'm scared of this" kind of way, and also nowhere near as exciting.

My therapist claims this excitement is what I should run from and the ordinary vanilla guy is what I should run to but if there's no spark and just nervousness I can't. 

It's frustrating and defeating and exciting all at once. And one part of this disorder I love and hate simultaneously.  Part of me thinks I enjoy the pain when it all comes to a screeching halt like I know it will, the pain of not being the one they choose.