hi. im nineteen. diagnosed with bpd a month ago, been a lurker in this and other subreddits for a few weeks and i felt like i should say my piece.

my whole life ive been different. i didnt notice until around sixth grade, but it was a lot all at once. i started to not be able to finish homework on time. i started to be more anxious, and i became more "difficult."

i went to a really private christian school until high school, and adding on my mentally abusive mother, it wasn't a good time. every morning would be going through the "have you eaten ? have you put on deodorant ? have you showered, brushed your teeth, got your backpack ready ?" because i would routinely forget at least two of those things each day. then in the car came the "have you got your homework done ?" and i, not being able to lie, would sheepishly say no, then interrogation and screaming lectures would ensue.

flash forward to high school. im in an alternative school where the schedules are flexible, the teachers are friendly, theres absolutely no punishment for not turning in work, and it only costs more than uw tuition every year. my mom is still being as wonderful as ever, but luckily its not daily lectures. im believed to be on the very high functioning end of the as, im struggling with self harm, and im having routine mental breakdowns.

however, i did meet my wonderful boyfriend of two years in high school, and i love him so much. luckily, i think ive been able to get out of the "favorite person" stage with him. i realized that it was unhealthy and have been working on it. he knows this, as well, and is so supportive and kind to my fucked up self.

first year of college, im going to a community college bc my mom doesnt know how to treat me and decided not to let me take a gap year right before graduating.. anyway, freshman year im in an autism program even though i dont,, have autism, and one fucking algebra class. the autism program has a supplementary twice a week class too, where we take personality tests and discuss socializing.

now, im not putting down people on the spectrum at all. hell, i have bpd, im not one to judge. however,, that program was for people who were low functioning.. i dont even have autism.. you see where im going ??

anyway, i ended up almost failing the math class and getting out of that program on account that my mom forced me in it and *i dont have fucking autism.* second year, i signed up for housing myself and my mom is mad because i did (spoiler my mom is controlling and has done everything for me my whole life so me doing something for myself angered her). so i moved in asap because i couldnt stand to live at home.

i took on three classes, i thought i would be able to since i was doing better on my own. i did fine in them at first, but then i missed one assignment, and my grades plummeted. i then had a month long breakdown. i relapsed into self harm, i skipped most of my classes sleeping, i stayed up all night and fucked up myy sleeping schedule, my bf had to commute from uw some nights to help with homework and made sure i didnt kill myself. i decided to get help and check into a mental hospital.

i was transferred to fairfax in everett, which was one of the worst experiences of my life. after about a week of me desperately trying to get out, i got out.. in the middle of covid. when i was going in, covid was a meme, a minor scare. but when i got out, it felt apocalyptic.

now im living with my boyfriend and his parents because i cant bear to live at home, i have dinner with my parents weekly, and im shoveling horse shit for pay. i still have routine breakdowns, and im developing an ed that i cant stop, and im on fucking antipsychotics, but im working with my therapist twice a week on dbt techniques.

over thhe years, i have gone to many different groups and therapies for social anxiety, autism (that my mom made me go to), and just functioning. these were all confusing and scary for me. kinda traumatizing, too. 

anyway, all im saying is that i finally get why i act so broken. and its just made me feel more empty and scared.