It was my birthday yesterday and while it was nice that a few people reached out I felt overwhelmingly sad the entire day. No matter how much I tried to rationalize myself out of sadness, I just couldn't. It got progressively worse throughout the night and now a whole night later my mood is essentially in the pits of hell. 

I hate feeling this way, I hate that I can't make it stop and I hate that I have no one to talk to about it. Sometimes the thought of not living crosses my mind but its always when I'm so overwhelmed with emotion that I can't cope. I feel inadequate when I'm like this, like I don't deserve love or happiness and that it will always be out of my reach. Then it turns into being angry with others, that their lives are better, different, seemingly carefree. I used to express this (didn't realize it was BPD at the time), but now I've long learned to internalize it and I genuinely wonder which is worse. 

I have dreams sometimes and hopes but I always come back to the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Today I realized it hasn't gotten better I've just learned to control the way it affects my actions with other people. I still suffer so much inside my head and I'm starting to realize that this will just be my reality. I watched the show modern love recently and Anne Hathaway's portrayal of bipolar disease moved me to tears but it made me think about how BPD is seen as a disorder which makes people eventually hate you and people feel victimized by you in the end. This alone makes me never want to open up to anyone and it's starting to affect me more than I ever thought it would. 

Anyways I just needed to get this off my chest.. I don't really have anyone in my life that I can say this to :(