Im 17m, 18 in april I really don’t know anymore. It is gonna sound like I am rambling to some, but to others i hope you get it. But after 4 years of high school, I have come to the realization that i fell so behind, in life, financially, emotionally, physically… don’t get me wrong i had an okay upbringing 100k household, however later my mom and stepfather abandoned me at 13 when i was SA and groomed by a 20ish yr old guy, from what i remember right as i was about to enter high school. They told me they could not deal with the emotional stress of it all.  I feel like i could have dealt with the abandonment, but when i was shipped to my dads life just got so much worse, he had been the one to find out i was SA and told my entire family, to this day the embarrassment and shame follows me, i have family tell me its not my fault etc, but anyway when i moved back to my dads  he penalized me for everything regarding the SA, meaning he had set up cameras all around the house, door sensors, motion sensors, the works. For 1.5 years up until 14 and a half, 15 he had motion sensors to set the alarm to go off if i left my bedroom, i had to knock on my door if i wanted food, after 9pm granted i get this might have been for my safety but it scarred me as a kid and until now, he ended up telling my friends parents about my SA. I was extremely isolated and depressed, fuck once i took 3 whole bottles of melatonin thinking I wouldn’t wake up, how stupid. After this it was around 8th grade summer and i had tried to take my dads prescription Xanax to OD. Unsuccessful. I heard for months about how selfish i was. But continuing on, I definitely think these years definitely messed me up as a kid, not to mention i was 5’7 and 180lbs at ages 12-15: went through ed’s alot already dealt with lots of confidence issues(recovered ed now 150lbs 5’11), stemming from my dad telling everyone he knew i had been groomed and SA, how was i a 12.5-13 yr old supposed to know, all i knew was how my mom loved me and she had abandoned me. I think in a way i let myself get groomed just because i was a lonely kid ripped away from my family, my sister. After my first attempt(xanax od) i had been in the ward/unit call it what you want for about 3 months. My dad signed to have me committed full time when i pleaded for the part in part out type stay. 

My father:  He has always liked to be in control, no matter what he was controlling. Later in my teens 16-17ish after i had my second attempt june of 2020 and later again feb of 2021, both ssri and antipsychotic od’s my dad kinda loosened up a bit, but his emotional and mental manipulation + abuse have really started to affect my life to a point where i am isolated from everything i have no family left to talk to he told me from childhood that they are selfish people and they do not have my best interest at heart and will only temporarily love me. This i now realized is an extreme use of manipulation tactics from my personal experience of abandonment. I would love to be able to move out but after i went through some substance abuse issues (coke, an ounce of weed every few days, binge drinking, etc.) he has used his financial independence and made me dependent on him, i now have a job of my own pt, but he threatens if i leave his house he will cut me off completely as he has done before, i tried leaving oct of 2020… he threatens he will leave me if i do not obey him, i feel as if im in a toxic relationship, i want to go to university but I seriously cant see myself living anymore, i cannot escape my dad, i cant be independent, i will not qualify for women and children shelters after april. I fear that with having no family near me and a job that only pays 750 a month net, i will be unsuccessful, i cant continue to live if my life is going to end up with poverty especially the area i live in, im not meaning to sound stuck up just realistic. Im in calgary alberta Canada, pretty expensive in canada as cost increase=wage drop etc.. so im pretty much posting this on here cuz i dont think im going to continue on:/ 

I used to have tons of friends from 15 and a half to the start of this year, but ive been so depressed i have managed to pass my classes that i have missed 3/4 of but im pretty doubtful i can go to uni independently, as my dad has told me all my life “have fun with your money and dont worry about saving you know ill always help where i can” the thing im realizing as i just typed this was, he tricked me into being dependent on him, it looks like a nice 4 bed 3 bath house on the outside with a white collar single parent raising a teen, but its much worse its just him manipulating me telling me the most vile things in anger. His temper has always been short, hes an alcoholic but refuses to seek out treatment. Plain and simply put he is an emotionally abusive narcissist.

I really dont have much else to say i mean thats my life story, i hope everyone can understand my decision, i am not impulsively taking my life, i have pondered on this one for a long time, the last times were definitely a different motivator to why i tried to die. 
This ones just a pretty simple explication, if you really think about it, i have tried to battle the depression but im not even just depressed anymore, im numb to everything i cant feel pleasure, psychiatrist after psychiatrist has given up trying to help, i have been on 8 to 10 different medications in the past 3.5 years, nothing has helped, i have been told the same thing by every psychiatrist but one “you will probably have dulled emotions because the medication” and i tell them ive felt like this my whole life. Able to not blow up in anger, cry at sad things. But this one shrink unfortunately passed away said to me “the reason being you dont feel the way you should is because…” never got an answer after that he had a heart attack in front of me and i never got an answer till a few months back when my f. doctor had acquired his notes, turns out the shrink thought i had high functioning sociopathic tendencies, he noted as-well that its difficult for me to “connect and see emotion without having the other person(s),” however i am unable to receive an official diagnosis on that until my 20s as they are not allowed to do that to children. That really stuck with me, thats what made me ponder not writing this, what if i am a high functioning sociopath, it makes sense, numbness, lack of true connection, no empathy. It made me ponder on this because if i am this high functioning person it makes sense to continue, I actively score high grades without attending school, i can calculate a situation, talked my way out of the trouble with the law, and school administrators/teachers, so what if I continued would that be so wrong or should i just do the society that failed me a favor and leave society? 
I just might this summer might just be my last &lt;3




So as i got a bit off topic sorry, i just want to say to what i think was my closest connection ive ever had…
Angelo T, my best supporter, the friend who lead me to be a better me, its really hard to find gay friends who arent out to get you. But angelo, thank you for always forgiving me. I dont know how but throughout the numbness, what i think i felt was a connection, maybe because we recognized we were the same but so different, you taught me how to live and love as best as i can, you put me in my place when i needed it, you never yelled like my father, you treated me as if you cared deeply i hope you did, and i hope you know everything you told me stuck as much as i ignored your advice at times i always found a way to take your advice and apply it, so for that thank you, i just was not as strong as  you to continue on. And for that i really do think im truly sorry…