So it kind of hit me over the past couple of weeks. I THINK im understanding this symptom that never made sense before. I’d say , “how does a person not know who they are??” When that’s basically me?  I force myself to talk about certain topics depending on who I’m around, make myself interested in their conversations, and then suddenly it’s my favourite thing when it’s really not? 

A girl Im sort of friends with was going to see shakira in concert... I buy a ticket too because I apparently “love” her when I only know maybe 3 or 4 of her songs? I did the same with Rihanna who I don’t really like. It honestly makes me cringe when I think about it. 

It’s almost a case of “why didn’t I think of that? Why didn’t I think to like that thing or that person? Why am I not obsessed with this celebrity?” It’s not pretending to like football or any other sports just to impress a boy... I actually research all I can and make sure i know every little detail. I can keep this up for MONTHS. 

Another girl I was friends with asked if I had read animal farm. I liked this girl a lot. I said “yeah but a really long time ago so I don’t remember much” just in case she wanted to discuss it. I buy it ASAP and read it as soon as it comes through. The funny thing was i didn’t even mention it to her again, I’ve been waiting for her to ask me. Another really likeable woman mentioned Game of thrones. What do I do? Force myself to watch and like the show.

I’ve also learned what not to talk about around certain groups, picked up on what people don’t like about me and leave it behind until I’m out of their company. It really is like changing your mask around before leaving your house. 

I even run a fan account on Twitter to be part of a fandom... had it for over 2 years now! I gave a different name, lied about my age and where I was from. I moulded myself to be a person my followers approve of. I couldn’t be me (whoever that is) so, instead, everything I did was to be part of them and to never be forgotten or left out. I’m only this person online. She has her own hobbies and interests. I haven’t let slip who I actually am... I turn into that person as soon as I log in. But if I was to show my family members that account, to read through those tweets, the things I said, how I make  myself seem well versed in particular subjects, they would never guess it was me. even I know that’s not the person I am. 

Truth is I don’t know what I like. I couldn’t tell you a hobby I enjoy, who is really MY favourite singer etc. I couldn’t tell you the first thing about me. The people around might think they’d be able to because of the way I present myself, but they’d all be wrong. Imagine putting one person from each of my social groups into one room. They can describe me but it’d be like they’re talking about completely different people. 



