For a little background, I'm 20 and undiagnosed. I do have a close family member with schizophrenia and a sibling with DID who shares my traumatic childhood though. 

My first true horror scenario was 3 years ago. In the summer when I was visiting a family member alone in a state away, I just started losing my mind. 

I experienced sleep paralysis, audio hallucinations of voices saying random words, and saw white ghastly figures watching me from around the corners. Also, a man in a red shirt sprinted across the kitchen, through the fridge. After I returned home and starting seeing a counselor, I did get better. I really don't think he did much to help though. Life just got better in circumstance overall.

For the last three years, I didn't have many issues other than often hearing the sound of trumpets playing in my head. 

But a little over a year ago, I fell for a dating scam that absolutely shattered me. Someone ransomed my nudes against me. Nobody got in trouble, leaving me very disturbed and reclusive in my room for about a year. In that isolation, I lost many relationships, passions, and gained weight.

New issues I didn't have before started after that whole event. I've had this sort of disassociative brain fog for as long as I can remember now. It's hard to explain the feeling properly in words, but imagine everything around you never feeling real, and always feeling like you're zoomed out and controlling some mechanical meat puppet instead of being a human. 

When I sit in my room, or at work, I no longer perceive the scale of the world outside the walls. Only the reality immediately in front of my eyes exist, and I can't see any further, and I can't imagine a future where I exist. Maintaining my grades and even doing simple assignments has become difficult for me because, for some reason, I can't bring myself to care as much anymore. 

It's not that I'm depressed or suicidal or anything like that. Every day, I'm usually the happiest one in the room and cracking dad jokes left and right. Socializing isn't an issue. I just completely fall apart when I'm alone in my head. 

I genuinely just can't imagine living to see my future. Every night, I imagine someone walking into my house and murdering me. I've been dreadfully paranoid for the last two years. I would like to keep living. I'd like to get through college, to be an author and musician, but it probably won't happen. I will die before it happens.

Many times, I forget things, especially traumatic things, and can only look back on them as if it were someone else. Like, for example, my trauma of last year, whenever I recall it, I didn't do it. Someone else in my skin did it. And the more I try to remember, the worst my brain fog gets. It gets to the point that I can't think. It fucking hurts.

I get to these moments of vulnerability and self-awareness over and over again often, and I always decide to get help. To seek out truly specialized therapy for whatever the help is wrong with me. But, somehow, I'm always just blissfully happy the next day. It doesn't matter if I scream cried on my way to school. 

I always end up forgetting about my issues, locking them away, and going about my day until the next breakdown as if none of it ever happened. I just don't think I can live like this anymore. Not long, at least.