Life is such a long, boring endeavor that it's been slowly driving to insanity over the years. I have no one to talk to at all. I don't talk to my parents anymore, though they still call once in awhile. I use to think I ignored them for mundane reason's, like being mad at them or just being to lazy to hold a conversation. But you know, I never really, really thought about it. 

But now that I have, I think it's because I'm waiting for something to occur. Like people say, "your whole world could be turned upside down in an instant, and nothing in your life will ever be the same."

It's like in the movies. The main character is an average or below average person, living a boring, predictable life, and then bam, their whole family gets murdered by corrupt cops or some such and they have to get revenge. They fight and get bloody. They run until their exhausted. They meet people, fall in love, so on the so on. Sounds pretty great.

Something tells me its not such a glamorous thing as movies and shows try to depict it. The sad truth also probably being, that your just as likely to be left weaker and broken by such tragedies as you are to bestowed with renewed strength, courage, and desire. 

Some will make it, some won't. And I'm so selfish and self centered, that I'll do almost anything to not end up as the latter.

No matter how you slice it, one thing will always remain a problem. 

My problem with life is that, I'm not looking for anything logical or reasonable. Money, sex, religion. I've had more money then I knew how to spend, so I ended up giving most of it away. Course, that was around when I was considering taking my own life. 

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I'm waiting for the plot twist. Something that convinces me that life is truly worth living. My greatest fear... is that I will die knowing the truth. That life isn't worth living at all. It never was or will be.