I have been an avid pot smoker since it became legal in my state in 2016. I’ve “quit” many times and the last time I lasted 40 days, ending around February this year. Today is day 2 of the most recent attempt to quit smoking and clean up my stupid brain. I have been on antidepressants for a year and was just prescribed an antipsychotic yesterday to deal with the wild mood swings. I even applied for an LOA from work because I mentally can’t take it and I don’t want to do/say anything that would jeopardize my employment or relationship with the company I’ve worked with for 12 years. 

I am just a single dude with a dog, maybe 2 or 3 close friends and my last relationship ended in 2015. Today I tried to do something fun by embracing my nerdy side and went hunting the local stores for new Hot Wheels cars, which I’ve collected since the early 2000s. I ended up spending over $200 unnecessarily and ultimately got into an argument with a real Karen of a customer in the self checkout because she was harassing the employee monitoring the lanes. I didn’t need to stick my nose into it but my brain told me it was a good idea to interject and stick up for this employee for some reason. Probably because I spent 8 years working retail and I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of those conversations. This isn’t the first time I’ve lashed out at someone else being shitty toward someone else, but it probably wasn’t as helpful as I believed it was in the moment. I really shouldn’t be sticking myself in situations I don’t need to be in. 

Now I’m home and I feel worse than I did when I left. I have $200 worth of toy cars sitting in bags on my coffee table and zero energy/desire to do anything about it. I’m ruminating on the argument and I feel like I can’t find anything that brings me happiness these days. I’m bitter, I’m irritable, I’m pessimistic, I’m impulsive, and I feel like I’m mentally losing it. I think I’ll be ok in the long run, but for the moment, I don’t know how to get myself out of this funk. I hate it.