i was diagnosed a few months ago. i think im still in the worst part of the illness but i wanna share my progress when it comes to friendships! 

i still struggle with them but i used to be extremely toxic. my best friend M whom i met in 2016 got the worst of it. i always needed to know where she is, who she was texting, was always sure she hates me if she didn’t reply in a few minutes and would obsess over her, guilt trip her... i was extremely toxic. i was a horrible friend. she was able to bear it for a year until she left me. she said to me that she loves me but is not able to endure me anymore.

that was a slap in the face. i hated her, i don’t think i ever hated someone more than her in those days. of course in the first few months i held a grudge. i was livid. i blamed it all on her. in those months i also started therapy. and it took me half a year to slowly realize how.... horrible i was being. i always used my mental illnesses as an excuse. i wasn’t diagnosed back then but it was always clear i had bpd, at least for me. so i used to say “well i can’t control it. it’s the illness!” but as far as i’m concerned you CAN control it.

over the past few years i came so far that i can go hours and even days without people texting me back without getting worried they now hate me. me and M are friends again. best friends! 

i hope this post doesn’t come off as like rude to anyone but i feel like sometimes you just GOTTA get that slap in your face, you know? treating people like i did doesn’t make you a bad person but it’s a bad thing to DO and is not okay! M had a hard time talking about her experience with me and my obsession on her and she said it was draining her, always being scared of me hurting myself because of her, always having to be on the phone so i don’t panic etc... it was eye opening. 

anyways. rant over. haha.