I know its my bpd that litterally goes from zero to one hundred really quick. Push pull, back and fourth crazy emotional roller coster in my head whether I like it or not. 

I’m so scared this guy is going to get sick of my moods, and everything. Idk that I can be convinced otherwise. Its like I take it day by day. So glad he decided to stay with me another day and hasn’t kicked me to the curb yet. Unless I cut him off and I’m free again. No emotional attachment to have to worry about. No nothing. 

I keep talking about negative bs with him and I know I shouldn’t. I feel bad like I am burdening him. Idk what else to talk about. When I am in a low mood like this its hard to be positive. 

Idk any other way so I stay alone. Completely alone. No pets no nothing. I don’t want to be a burden on anybody. 

I want kids and I talk about it with my bf, although I’m very scared to ever have kids tbh. I’m afraid of fucking up someone else. 

I think of it black and white too. Like I should be alone for the rest of my life. 

I’ve been abandon more times than I can count. Idk what to do really. I’m scared its gonna happen again so I rather not start a relationship. 

However I am fighting it. I am in a healthy relationship and I want to succeed. I am trying to mitigate my toxic behaviors like my negativity, my shit behavior during low moods, etc. 

I hate this. I’m traumatized by my past. And I cannot seem to stop living in the past or not surrounded by some sort of drama. I am toxic. 

I go back and fourth between saying I have bpd, and I don’t. I don’t trust anyone or myself.