Hello to who ever might find this post, this will be my first and possibly last post on reddit.

To start this off - I'm depressed and I can't remember a time I ever wasn't and I just feel like writing some of my story out to free myself a little. So thanks to who ever makes it to the end. I'll try to make it short. 

So I can't remember much before the age of 8 but that was already where the bullying started and I had Noone to really turn to. My parents were for the most part not existent as emotional support because they were busy at all times. So this is where I already started to skip school and avoid people as much as possible. 
Changing school in 5th grade didn't really change much, I went to a school with lots of anti social kids that basically went looking for people to bother, so as one might expect I got picked out again and got bullied there too and really stopped going there as much as possible. In return the stress at home started, my parents tried to make me go by bringing me which ended up with me leaving school early or going in and immediately out again. I avoided going there by going out of the house and sitting somewhere on a staircase outside in the rain and all for 8 hours a day just to not have to be there. Eventually my parents found out and stress at home got worse. There was screaming violence to a small degree I'd say and I really just locked myself in my room all day crying. My parents at their wits end got help from some youth welfare office and they made me sign a lot of shit such as I am responsible for myself and made me go to like 15 different organizations and therapists who couldn't help me. 
So with all this happening I began playing with the thought of killing myself since I dropped out of school and there was just no hope in any direction I was looking. Like don't get me wrong my parents still to this day take care of me they just didn't know any better in the past. I have all my needs covered and always had except any kind of emotional support really. 
So all of this stretched till I was 16 when I dropped out. That was also the time I met my first boyfriend who was 2 years older than me and a soldier in training at the time. We only saw each other every two weeks and the beginning seemed really nice and I had the feeling I could be open about my feelings and thoughts and finally had someone to listen to me and show interest or so I thought. Turns out it's really hard to listen to my bullshit since I am very emotional and cry a lot, I just can't help it. After a year and a half he finally had enough, cheated on me still fucked me the day after, told me two days after my birthday after he took me to his place and broke up with me. In the end he told me how hard it was to deal with me, all I did wrong and yea that really broke me to this day. I asked him in the relationship to tell me when I need to work on stuff or if something is bothering him - he never said a word, only when it was too late to change and I really would have loved to change and work on things if I just knew what exactly. My experience with people is limited since I avoided people all my life really, playing games online and only there interacting with people. I just wish I was told more directly what's expected of me. 
After all this was done I was broken pretty much but I got a job at the place my dad worked where I tried to the best of my abilities but in the end my anxiety and panic attacks got the better of me and I quit. And from there on things spiraled again. 
Three years after that I had the luck of getting with my current boyfriend who is just so loving and he is really trying to take care of me and accepts my cry baby ass but I just can't help but being unable to 100%trust in things he says and I catch myself looking for a reason to run away from it because I am just too scared to get hurt again like this. I wish I could be worthy to be his girlfriend but I am really just waiting for the world to collapse on me once again and getting that last reason to end it.

Ty for reading this unstructured text. Have a great day.