Long vent

It’s really hard. I realized pretty early on that something wasn’t right. I was always being accused of talking to other people or not proving myself to him but he also always wanted me around. He can be the sweetest person and then I can say something that comes out wrong or he frankly just overreacts about (i.e. short answers like “ok” or “nice” can bother him when I mean nothing by it) and it changes his whole mood. If I try to give him space to calm down it only makes him worse. He will freak out and get furious and say nasty things and sometimes it gets physical. I try to calm him down but I could do exactly what he tells me to do to calm him down and he can literally tell me it’s not good enough. He can threaten to see other women and I know he’s talked to other women online and he met up with his ex (apparently they didn’t have sex). His moods are more severe when he drinks, which used to be often. When he does something that he knows is wrong he breaks down and gets depressed afterwards and he genuinely hates himself for it and I stay by his side to make sure he wouldn’t hurt himself even though I was the one who was hurt.

Despite everything, I try to be there. And I’ve tried to be forgiving because i know he can’t help his emotions. When he’s calm I try to talk to him about it and try to get him to get help and little by little he’s been realizing what he’s been doing and he puts the effort in to be better. 

He had one really bad freak out a few weeks ago and lashed out and was horrible to me. I basically broke down in front of him after and I think that set a lightbulb off in his head and he’s been trying harder than ever. He’s been so amazing and so loving. If his mood starts to change a little and I notice I’ll ask if everything’s okay and tell him I’m here to talk, but he hasn’t been taking his feelings out on me. I truly appreciate the effort he’s been putting in  but the things he’s done to me have hurt me so badly to the point where my anxiety has been terrible. I think about everything that’s happen and break down crying. I’m so scared to tell him exactly how bad he’s hurt me because i don’t want to set him off.

I love him so much. I just wanna forget the bad things and move forward with our relationship. I wanna see him get help and grow and heal as a person. Shit’s really scary and difficult