Firstly sorry for my spelling errors, English is not my first language.

I (25F) have history of anxiety, panic attacks and depression. 2020 was great year for me, i lost weight , enroll second(third) master (i was doing two on my collage and enrolled third at other), was working full time, started dating my (now) fiancé.  Everything was great (few anxiety attacks along way but nothing I can't handle), my everyday was full of activities, I was literally living my best life.

Some back story which is relevant for next part: i was always threated badly in relationships. I was always listening stuff like "You are not good enough" and having one of the guys said to me "You should be locked up in mental institution, no one will ever love you, you are only good for occasional sex".

Along the way i had some  fights with my boyfriend/fiancé. And here comes the problem, i am prone to overthinking. I analyze everything. I notice every single change in someone's behaviour. I did that with him. ALOT.   And after every fight i was expecting from him to treat me bad and after some time i was the one starting fights for nothing. He did some, well not nice, stuff but i blame me for this because i was constantly over his head. He knows for my mental issues and he was nothing but suportive. Later i had some bad pannic attacks and he was sitting with me at the bathroom floor in middle of the night, while i was crying. Have in mind he has to wake up early in the morning for the job, but he always said i was more important that his sleep.

But my overthinking is still active. I still start fights for nothing. The biggest problem is i stopped working, struggle with college. I just can't go out of my bed. He is very supportive and says my mental health is important and that i don't have to work at the moment if I can't (we live together now, he works in IT so his paycheck is enough for all expenses). But im not sure if im being deppresive or just lazy.

There are some signs that my mental health isn't great( i gained weight (20kg), I can't pass the mirror and not to hate what i see, my everyday thoughts are "you are not good enough, you suck, nobody loves you, i have no will to do anything, i lost all my ambitions, when i have to study it will take me like 3 hours just to start and i am exhausted after 30 minutes)

My boyfriend says i should go to doctor and speak to someone but im constantly thinking im just being lazy and not capable of things, and that my mental illnesses are just my excuse for me to stay in bed.

So i just need someone to tell me if i should see doctor (another reason I don't wanna go is because i hate antidepressants, i had few bad reactions, not like allergy but like they made situation worse) or am i just lazy?