I’ve never thought about it that deeply until one day my best friend said, “I think you just need to learn forgiveness.”

She was right, and she is right.

She’s the only person I’ve been able to keep around… and I wish I was kidding. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a coworker, family member (cousin, grandma - like wtf), parents, best friends, significant other… WHEN they say something to me that feels emotionally threatening, I instantaneously leave them. 


I won’t contact them, I won’t respond, I block them, and completely pretend that they never existed. I decide to absolutely hate them with my entire being.

I know this is splitting - but even when I’m stable, I still hate them. I can’t forgive them.

I’ve done so many things in my life that I regret, but I can’t forgive myself either. 


I have tried *so* hard. I can intellectualize where my triggers root from, but I can’t heal. ***No I can’t afford therapy***

I’ve held my face with my hands so it feels like somebody else is doing it, then I say, “its okay. you’re safe,” to like soothe my inner child i guess? and it makes me feel better.
I’ve done that while looking in the mirror and saying, “you are deserving of this, though (love, care, affection, etc). But I can’t EVER stop the withdraw-&gt; hate process. I can’t let anyone love me, get close to me.

Im in a place with my s.o where I want to forgive them about MINOR things, but my emotions won’t let me. I can intellectualize my forgiveness but I can’t let myself, no matter how hard I try. 

MAYBE, in the moment (or even months) I’ll forgive. But as soon as I split, the stuff I have already “forgiven,” turns out to NOT be forgiven.

How do you forgive?