So I start this integrated group therapy with Dbt and Cbt a couple moths ago first time ever getting therapy, I’m also 27 year old male. I got referred to this program by a psychiatrist who presumed I had GAD and MDD. I start with my main goal to get a ADHD diagnosis which I firmly believed I had, to develop coping strategies for my chronic pain, and to understand myself better.

So as I start this therapy everything is going well, I now have some structure in my life and aren’t isolated as much. But I  start having really emotional moments. I’m learning just about trauma and stuff, these are things I didn’t even understand a little, the word trauma was simply not in my vocabulary. I start connecting things and realizing a lot of abuse I’ve had and trauma. Things I literally never ever talked about to no one my entire life. I realizing my sense of self and how I’ve destroyed past relationships, and begin to talk about. I start confiding this and things like current family dynamic, really heart wrenching stuff usually while crying. 

I than meet the recreational therapist, some who is kind, easygoing, down to earth and has dignity. I begin attending rec activities.  I do music first, mostly just I’m just conversing with her in the group as she sitting next to me, we listen to music together, and have some similar taste in music.  I do gym, not a lot people attending these recreational activities I may add, they’re optional. Me and the rec therapist after attend a barbecue together after gym and play some games together and eat. I start confiding to her some more recent traumas and hardships in my life. I attend now most of the rec activities now about 7 a week like yoga and art too. Pretty much just talking with her and getting support from her, place doesn’t have enough resources for more support and other patients there were from all diversities, ages and mental health conditions, didn’t really connect with any there at that time. So the rec therapist and I were now working on doing a song cover together. In gym one time ask if she can talk with me more and she said yes and we met for sessions for talk therapy. She wasn’t really suppose provide that as it’s not apart of her job but she did.  Anyways in the talk therapy sessions with her I would start to talk about more traumas and childhood abuse.  Telling so much I never talked about before in my life.  Now tbh I probably started liking her a lot, now after one these talk therapy sessions we had art. We painted weeding picture frames, at the end of group she gave me what she had painted. Well I had those frames up in my room, thinking of her when I saw them.  I start to thinking maybe that was a sign of a potential friendship. So onetime in gym I ask her if she’d meet up outside and we could work on that song we been making, she says “maybe” and it was in the gym where other people could hear us so I took that as- man this might happen.  We were the same age too and an attraction between us. 

Next time though we had met for talk therapy, things were continuing to get more deep and harder to talk about, but these traumatic events were now always on my mind, and I had to talk about it.  But as I was sharing more it only made me more vulnerable and I really wanted to see if we could be friends outside of this place.  So I asked her during are session and she said that she couldn’t, and hoped I understand.  That brought me to a very petulant state, a behaviour I know all to well from past situations that triggered it. I had perceived this as rejection, even though I guess it really wasn’t because it wouldn’t be appropriate for her professional role.  I than begin to close up completely avoiding eye contact, and just really overwhelmed by emotion.  It’s obvious to her this really hurt me and says does this mean you won’t want to continue these sessions? I say I don’t want, as I really needed a friend for a shoulder to cry on. And I leave the room without saying anything. She’s than sends an email asking if I’m coming to come to music that day. But I go home and extremely overwhelmed and beside myself send some emails of just ranting about my hard life.  Emails I regret.  

Around that time I finish that phase/program and they refer me to a dbt group program that 6 weeks with 2 group classes a week which are 2 hours and 50 minutes with your individual. I also get diagnosed with ADHD just before this time and begin meds.  So that was good, a reason I came here in the first place.  But than I do some research on DBT and see it was designed for BPD, I wonder what BPD.  Do a lot of research on it and read symptoms and so fourth. And say to myself this really seems like me, and than believe I have it. And think maybe that’s why they expedited for this dbt course, because they might think I might have it too.  

So starting this dbt program, I get assigned a psychologist for my individual primary, believe she’s the only psychologist program for individual primary, rest are social workers.  Group isn’t going that good but still really trying to learn,not as good as hoped, but still teaching some important things.  A lot is getting interrupted and someone there just really triggers me and got the entire group uncomfortable.  Wasn’t always led great either by the teachers. Some classes were just bad, some were okay though with learning some important material but not being able to cover it all because of interruptions but still useful. I was still learning things, and this got me out of my bad environment back home. I was still attending recreational groups as usual. Accepted we couldn’t be friends, while I was a patient here.  But still really liked her I might of even fell in love because of idealizing her. The program also had a few outings too where we’d go on day trips in groups. I never made any inappropriate comments or hit on her or anything like that.  But something was definitely going on where sometimes I can tell by reading her body language she’d feel uncomfortable around me at times.  Other times it was all good at we got along great. But her behaviour started fluctuating, and times she’d ignore me and pretend I wasn’t there when other people were around. Maybe it was just the only way she could deal with the situation, I see that now. But it still hurt me deeply. I’d tried to talk about with her but, she couldn’t I guess, and I blamed myself.

Now with my main primary the psychologist,our meetings weren’t great, it was so formal and made me so uncomfortable.  I didn’t know how it was suppose to go, but i just felt like I had to share more about myself, and my life.  Not really using the time for dbt coaching.  I was left with the unknown of not knowing if I had bpd, and we really hadn’t talked about the first couple sessions. Now by the third or fourth meeting I bring it up and she says that I do have it. I was diagnosed by the psychiatrist and her. And I’m clinically diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.  The BPD made complete sense to me and really just gave me insight on my mom, who evidently has been living with bpd undiagnosed. Someone who is has severe bpd, domineering and frequent rages, would lose sense of reality.

Now there’s only a few weeks left for me in this dbt program, but they allow most people to repeat the 6 weeks and do it again.  But in my fourth week I find out they decided to not repeat me. And that there going discharge me. I got really overwhelmed after, and really depressed.  As I am seriously fearing for my life, because this pain ive living with just to been to hard to bare by myself. I have been highly symptomatic since 17(now 27), and still living at home with my mom and younger sister.  

I just wish the last 3 months of my therapy went different, it wasn’t at all what I expected. I think think I might not of been ready for this or not at least not ready to of shared so much of my trauma. I see I wasn’t emotionally stable enough too. And when I felt rejected by the rec therapist it just pushed it even more.  I just felt very misunderstood by everyone there! It was horrible!

That was my experience