this is not to say that all people w bpd are manipulative or abusive, but i have used this disorder as a crutch for far too long. 

for me, it is very easy to use bpd as an excuse for why i behave the way i do. why i say the disgusting, hurtful things i do. why i scream and yell and detach and cling. why i want you to leave and can’t live without you. i have treated the person who is constantly on my side and giving me a million chances to do better so fucking poorly. i spiral and say nasty things and then have complete breakdowns when he wants to leave. 

i don’t know what to do, yall. i think he might really be ready to go, and i can’t blame him. i know that someone abusing you and then suddenly needing you to console them is not fair for anyone to go through. 

i have to figure out how to manage my emotions and triggers without blowing up everything in my life. more than this, though, i have to stop using bpd as my excuse. yeah, bpd is a big reason i feel the need to say hurtful things… but the choice to actually say them is mine and mine alone. yeah, bpd is the reason my emotional breakdowns literally feel like i am dying… but it’s no ones job to fix that for me. this disorder fucking sucks… but so do people who use this disorder as a reason to treat people they love like shit. and for far too long, that has been me. 

mark my words yall — i am not letting this fucking disorder destroy my relationships any longer. if i choose to say abusive things, it was a choice *i* made and *i* am responsible for. i am done using this disorder as a scapegoat for all the issues in my life and the shitty things i’ve done