I’m suffering from a depression since a little before COVID started. 6 years ago I moved to a new country in a small city where my husband lived. We had met two years prior that. Everything was new. Learning new language was tough, I had recently developed a disease which made it difficult for me to verbally communicate with others. (I was also ashamed of it). Though I had the most loving husband. He cared about me. He gave me confidence. He loved me dearly. I loved him so much too. my depression, anxiety and overthinking showed up with drinking problem. i spent the last year on and off in bed. My husband took care of me. I got so bad I ended up with a suicide attempt. We’ll be saved me. I decided to go back to my country for a visit. I hadn’t seen my family for six years. Later when I was with my family he said he was too traumatized with all we had gone through and he doesn’t want to live with me anymore. Basically he was everything (EVERYTHING) I had in the world. I trusted him more than anyone. He was the only person I could turn to and he loved me for who I was.

now I feel ashamed, worthless and useless. He doesn’t want me go back. No one from his side (friends and family) answer me. I feel like nothing. I spent a horrible time in depression and when I came to finally visit my family I had started to get much better. But when all this happened I fell in to an even deeper and scarier depression. I couldn’t believe he gave up on me. I couldn’t believe he leaves me on my own. I knew I hurt him but it wasn’t in my hands. I wasn’t myself. I was crying day and night and I was helpless.

I feel so empty. So embarrassed, so ashamed, I feel like I have no more strength. I was hit by a truck first then ran over by a train.

I feel like I’m no one. I feel ashamed because a husband and a soulmate I loved more than anything and he loved and tried for me in any way possible got tired of me. Day and night I beg him for a chance like I won’t make the same mistakes. I’ll follow a right routine that I have passion for everything if he stands by me. I beg and he is cold hearted saying he doesn’t wish to be with me anymore.

I know he is deeply influenced by his family and friend. But I wasn’t the most lovely person either. In their eyes I was just an awkward person who doesn’t talk much. But we were so so so passionate when it was the two of us together. I was me next to him. We adopted three cates (my idea but he ended up being in love with them even more than me) and they are now with him.

it’s been months I pray and I ask God forgiveness and to touch his heart. I can’t explain the shame I’m carrying with me, the lack of self worth and emptiness. I used to tell him I have refugees to your soul. He used to say I’ll protect you by all cost.

please, pray for me. My heart is in pieces. I can’t stand myself, the creature I have become.