I can't do anything right, and nobody likes me.  This is all I ever feel, even when I know it's probably not true.  The shitty part is that it's becoming a self fulfilling prophecy lately.

For the past month, I've self destructed on just about every weekend, and ended up sabotaging anything potentially "good" going on in my life.  I've been arrested, pushed away my best friends, and threatened to kill myself most recently.  Most of these times I was black out drunk which isn't normal.  While I had my fair share of blackouts in college, I hadn't really experienced them recently until about a month ago.  FYI, the doc put me on zoloft for anxiety and depression, so probably a factor.  I am not diagnosed bpd, but feel like it's a likely possibility.  

I was dating a girl and really liked her, but I found too many ways to push her away with the shit I previously mentioned and now things are looking worse than ever.  Doesn't help how insecure I get with every text or lack thereof.  She can probably sense this, and all I feel is cringe.  Oh hey, did I mention I just bought a house!  I should feel great, but instead just feel alone and empty.  I should be getting promoted at work soon too!  But who cares, not like it really matters.  I have no one to share anything with because I am unable to express any of my emotions cuz ADHD turns everything into a rambling clusterf%ck.

I bet this post doesn't even make any sense at this point and that is fine.  If I go back and proofread, I'll just end up obsessing over it for hours on end thinking about how it will be interpreted the wrong way and end up not submitting it.  Why can't I just do things and be content like everyone else.  I hate life and everything about it, but don't worry I won't actually kill myself cuz I don't have the balls.

Apologies if this makes zero sense.  Just need to put this out there even if nobody reads it, whatever.

TL;DR  Life is bad and I should feel bad.


