I’ve had depression for over a year (MDD with some general and social anxiety for extra spice) and I’ve had intense periods of suicidal ideation. I’m 18f in college out of state. It seems almost everyday I’ve been fighting to either stay alive and not end my life and or force myself to get my class work done. I don’t have any friends but a few good acquaintances at least. There are so many people who I interact with in passing and it’s so alienating that they haven’t a clue what I’m going through or how much I fought to stay alive that day. 

We have such different issues they worry about exams and essays while I’m worrying that I’ll let my mind get the best of me and hang myself. When I’ve tried to talk and make light of my illness with my better acquaintances I know I sometimes make them uncomfortable so I avoid it. 

My parents know but aren’t sympathetic and at most they get scared and try to tell me to transfer and come home. For the record I’ve learned how to cope well and have no intentions of self harm and am in control of my ideation and know the warning signs to get emergency help.

It’s just so strange and sad to be living an entire life invisible to everyone but myself. It seems that I’m fighting a battle with no one to witness it. I don’t want congratulations or praise for how hard I fight I just wish I could tell others without them fussing over me or avoiding me.