I've been fighting depression for almost 12 years now. Initially, when I was at home, I was able to manage it pretty well, even without telling anyone or getting therapy. However, there were still times when I thought about ending this life, and actually, tried doing it twice. I was just one step away, all I had to do was to push the table and I couldn't do that. I thought of my parent's crying faces and it kept me going in life.

For the past 4 years, I have been living in a different country as a student. Initially, I handled myself pretty well because I was focused on my studies and part-time jobs. At that time, my biggest worry was completing my thesis or to find a job. There were still times when I would just cry for hours alone or go to bed, and wake up feeling fine. There were still times when I would just go for a walk to a nearby river and would think about how it would feel to be drowned.

All this changed last year when after completing my studies, I actively started looking for a partner. And online dating completely shatters my confidence. Still, I managed to find someone I thought was a perfect person for me. But as my luck goes, I got friend-zoned. Since then, I feel like I had a chance and I missed it because I will never be able to find someone just like her. Not a single day passes by when I don't think about her or think about how things would have been.

I never considered therapy because I always thought I am strong enough, but this latest incident just shattered all my strengths and beliefs. At this point, I think if life is going to be the same for the remaining years of my life, I just don't want it. 

I live in Germany with one of the best jobs anyone could wish for and getting paid handsomely for my spending. For the past many months, I just feel like I will just die alone and this worries me the most.