Maybe he's just busy. I don't know. But since Saturday, his text messages outside of work have become horribly infrequent. He's pretty busy, I know. But.. he just doesn't seem interested. Even at work, he doesn't really seem like he wants to talk. I can't ever fucking tell if it's the other person, or if my perception is just horribly messed up, though. Because I'm having a hard time with him and I, and I'm feeling kind of distant myself. So maybe it's just my feelings toward him. I never know.
But... him being quieter than normal is actually going on. I guess it's possible he doesn't like talking to me when I'm depressed, because I've expressed a lot of my depression to him. Maybe it's stressing him out that I keep talking about wanting to fall asleep and not wake up, excessive drinking (he's a 'recovering' addict. In quotes because he doesn't do meetings or therapy and he really, really should), hoping I die, and so on. Hah. Honestly, I didn't even think I could be stressing him out with all that until just typing it out. 

I don't know. It's the middle of the night. I fell asleep early because mega depression, like 'why bother being awake, Nothing to do, etc.' So I've been drinking a few shots of whatever, taking something to help me sleep, and knocking out for a few hrs. And I wake up and find he hasn't text messaged me since we left work earlier. Feeling sick, my heart is racing, my mind is racing, I feel like someone injected me with caffeine with how damn anxious I am. Is it me or him? Or both? Why can't I sleep? Am I losing my damn mind? I think I am. My perception is so fucked. I feel like 'ok, he's justified in distancing himself, I would if I was him', and other self pitying stuff, but I also feel like ' Why isn't he here for me and comforting me, I want his attention, he doesn't care anymore' . It's so exhausting and shitty. 

But I also forget how intense my emotions are. And I feel like when I express my intense emotions, people get put off. If I tell someone I'm depressed and slowly becoming suicidal, I notice how uncomfortable it makes people. Ok, to clarify: I'm not just telling anyone, just people I'm close to. I don't really **like** to even tell close friends as I know it can alienate them. But I feel like if I don't tell someone, then I'm just hiding it. So that whole thing is frustrating. I don't do it as something to gain attention, but more like 'please, realize how much pain I'm in.' 

But, to that end, feeling like he doesn't want to talk when we're not at work.. that just sucks. After I told him how low I feel. And then I get mad at him, in my head. 'He should be consoling me, comforting me, caring about me, but he's absent instead', and that just starts the whole anxiety process all over


I hope I can sleep soon. I don't want to be awake with my mind like this.