I wake up everyday and go into autopilot mode. I go through the motions. I laugh, I smile, I put up a facade. I do a great job of it too. But when I retreat into this place in my head where that facade doesn't exist and the thoughts don't hold back, I just want it all to stop. I don't want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want to be a burden. I am not worth any of that. But I chase that rabbit, I chase it down that deep dark hole that I throw all my problems and things I can't make better. I go there and sometimes I don't think I can get out. I don't deserve to get out. I have a past. A past that I cannot forgive myself for. I have done things that I am reminded of everyday. I don't trust anyone. I let people who were supposed to care and help in before and long story short it hurt. It hurt more than it help. And because of that I push everyone away. Because I am afraid that they will see that I am not ok and they will leave. So I push them away and never let anyone get close.  No one deserves to have to be around me. No one deserves to have to put up with me. But I want to feel normal. I want to be a normal, content person. But this hole inside is eating everything in my life. I am not suicidal. Not now at least. But I have my lows, and sometimes those thoughts creep in. I can function. I can go to work. I can joke. I can make people laugh. But I cannot seem to make the happy stay. It's barely tangible. Right in reach yet so fucking far away. I ruin every relationship I have. I inevitably push her away, and she gets hurt. So I left her. I love her more than life itself, but I cannot let her in. I cannot tell her that I am screaming on the inside. She's better off without me. She's so much better without me. She doesn't deserve my problems. She deserves so so much more. Yet I miss her. And it hurts. Things that used to be fun and make me happy, just seem empty and worthless. I was raised to be a man. Never let anyone see your pain. You cannot let anyone see your weakness or they will use it against you. Sad thing is, that's more true than I would like it to be. I justify posting this because I don't know what else to do. I don't know. I am scared.