In advance I want to say sorry for the long text.  


Few things to mention:  
I am probably some mental illness myself, but never been to a therapist, even tho I start to relate a lot to BPD.... also I am really strong mentally because I was depressed years ago, but beat the depression alone, only got the side effect of not feeling any saddness or anger, not at all.  
she has impulsive BPD and schizoid personality disorder.  


I only know her online, I got 3 pictures of her with covered face to see her hair when she got a new haircut, and heard her voice only twice, 2 recordings of her, 1 saying her name, since i wasn't able to pronounce it good, 2 saying "no".

I will start by the way we met and first 2 months, she joined a discord server I made for an anime character I liked a lot, she is Japenese and I am obsessed with Japan and everything related to it, so we happened to talk a lot, she said she usually get bored of people/servers in max 2 weeks, we happened to talk for a month on the server almost all the time, even though I was the one initiating almost all of it, by the end of the month I checked and she send 8000 messages and I sent even more but, not much.... Also after 3 weeks of knowing her, I started reading books and every bit of information I could have found about BPD I have spent dozens of hours on books, articles, and even a lesson from university, even tho it was in general about personality disorders. Looks like we became pretty close, second month was the same, but we moved to dm in the middle of it, everything was fine and once again about 8000 messages, a little less. We became a quite good friends, she said multiple times i am attractive and will become her boyfriend, well, i did develop feelings for her so I guess it was nice, at the start I like her so wanted to become her friend and support her, nothing more than that. but on the third month...   


  
Despite how it will sound, she isn't racist, I assume she got jealous, since some time after she actually got jealous for me just talking with a girl.

month 3: we were talking about how pretty japanere idols/models/girls are, it looks like it was her favorite topic... and here we got to a pic of some korean idol.. and i said "maybe not all koreans are too ugly" (no racism, it was a joke and a bad one at that....) she got really mad at me, wished me death, told me she will make me touch her and report me to police (sick yeah.... red flag but i didn't care nor i still care, i found it cute, also i made her mad without realized it, it was immature of me...) well... i tried to apologize and explain that "not too ugly" doesn't mean "pretty" since she told me like 5 time that i called that korean pretty... that's ig also immature but i liked it and still ike that side of her... she blocked me. i contacted her from another account, even though it took her 18 hours to respond and we somehow got through it, even tho she still sometimes is mad about it... (i remembere the amount of time, because she said it was her 18 hours since she met me...), on the next day or the same one but later, she got made again because of that, acted toxic then called herself a bad person and said that she actually wanted me to self harm as apology and send her a picture (yeah... i did it... but whatever.. it's just a really tiny red flag, and it's nothing compared to what she has been going through) since then we talked even less, it's still pretty much the first 2 weeks of this month. But I realized that I love her (she complains right away when she doesn't like something), and actually started saying it (through all that time, my every second message was praising/complimenting her and trying to validate everything about her as much as possible since I heard it's very important, I also never ignored her and did everything she wanted me, trying to avoid as much conflict as possible and please her in every way I could.)  


A little after, ( we are still just friend, but she said i will become her boyfriend like 3 times already )I don't remember why she suddenly started trying to make me jelaous on purpose, literally saying me she will date someone else, who will truly love her, care about her and ( once again, she isn't racist, she liked koreans before that incident... ) will make fun with her about how koreans weird since she met someone like this, but it was too obvious that she was making me jealous, i talked like i was really happy, since if she really found someone better than me who is better for her, i actually felt happy despite feeling kinda sad.... but it was nothing compared to how much she was mentioning talking with guys and that she was to date western guys pretty much everywhere and all the time, she had a status on discord about how much she want to date western guys almost all the time. 

after than she went to her grandmother for 2 days (it felt like 2 weeks...), so we talked even less, but after that it got better. for a week... then she got a flight to greece on her vacation, that actually was amazing, she was happy, and despite talking less with her, I was happy that she enjoyed despite not talking much with me. we still did talk like a hour or 2 a day, she... asked me to help her find canadians since she is interested in that country and doesn't like discord servers to join herself.... well... i felt jealous but i couldn't say no to her, i never refused to her..... i found 3 people for her, even though it was awkward.... really awkward but i can't say no to her... i did feel really jealous.... one of the canadians were a girl.... and my pwBPD got mad at me, but somehow it wasn't serious at all, after we talked for a minute about it, she told me she was jealous because i talked with a girl, despite that she wanted me to find her canadian people.... after that i said that i am also very jealous and gave few examples of situations since i had a lot of them, but i never blamed her or tried to restrict her... but she just said "idc"... well.. i didn't mind but since then i can't talk with girls online.  


and i don't remember when in happened but we ended up in a situation when she is my only friend, and i can't get any other friends, we both were open about being each others best friends. to be honest before i met her i wasn't interested in people nor actually had any people i could call friends, so it wasn't a problem, but either way i wasn't able to say no...  


also all that time she told me that i should never ignore her, and even if i didn't respond to her message like "hmmm" then it was ignoring... idk how i were supposed to know it, but it happened only like twice or 3 times, i almost always was responding instantly, and it wasn't commong that she was answering in about 20-50 minutes from then, let's say she was busy, good enough explanation. it was like this since we met, but i never said anything against it, and we still were talking all the time, so it doesn't matter...

 but a week after a week i said something like "will you marry me" with the ring emoji and few more similar things in one day, she said i was creepy, and to stop saying things like "i love you" and that i want to marry her... i guess i can understand it... it was my bad after all... then i did another mistake, i wasn't able to fall asleep that night because i couldn't say her that... even though this whole time i was saying her good morning, good night and things like have a nice day, she only said good night like 7 times in that time, wished me good day once, and not even once good morning, but i didn't care and also it's just not her type of personality, also almost all of this time, when she went to sleep or somewhere, she didn't said it, just went, through whole 3 months... i on the other hand was always telling her that i am going to work, or to shool or going to sleep or something, but this is also something i didn't mind. so i said that i love her... and got blocked... later texted her from another account, since the 2 were blocked, apologize she forgave me and unblocked me, normally i would give up on someone by now but she was a great and kind friend, even if she only showed it rarely, it was obvious, and i read everywhere that pwBPD always push others away even when they don't want it.... well.. she said right away to not talk with her for the next few days, i wrote her once and asked about that she told me not to join any new discord servers and that she should be my only friend and i can't talk to girls, she said it still should still be like that... it has been the end of the 3rd month, less than 4000 message from her this time, it did felt much less for this whole time, but it is still a nice amount....  


But since then... we almost aren't talking... even after that 1 day when i just waited for her to text me (she also acted really strange on that day and i was unbeliveably worried.. I assume she was splitting on me... actualy i am sure, even though it has never been so serious before).... since then she is ignoring almost everything i write her, only replies like once or twice a day with "lol" which i have no idea what she means by that... but i still try to compliment her in every way i can like saying that it's a really cute reply... and support/herp her as much as i can... by now i realized that i am definitely both in love and obsessed with her, it's not just obsession, i can say it for sure. in this past week... as you can guess we didn't talk... she basically ignores everything.... and only texts me when she needs something.... or sometimes writes "lol"...  


it really hurts to see her coming online every 5 minutes and going offline without responding.... since it was happening the whole week... but since she is back to Japan for some reason I don't see her online without responding to me anymore, but i guess since it's the first day and she had a long flight she is tired.... even tho it's 5am in Japan and she just wrote "lol" and asked for help... she also said "lol" about 3 hours ago.. but that time she completely ignored everything and just asked for help... which i wasn't able to refuse to...

&amp;#x200B;

Any opinions on this? I really love her, and promised to never give up on her, since people with BPD usually fear it, I can't go back on my words, that's the kind of person I am, so I wont give up on her and continue helpinh with everything I can.... also today she came back from the vacation and finally we talked, even if only for 10 minutes and she just asked me to help her.... also today she told me that she is going to delete discord soon, but it was before we talked, she said she wont do it... but it was the only question she answered.... i haven't heard anything about how she has been or what she was doing in the past week.... actually it have been 5 days and not a week, but i am going crazy, since i am getting completely ignored... i respond right away, and she only replies with "lol" after 3-4 hours.... then once again i write something and she only responds in 3-4 hours....  


I don't know what to do, and I am starting to feel like i am getting mentally abused.... i really had a lot of troubles eating and sleeping in those few days....   


I don't know what to do... what do you think is going on here? I know she is an amazing person, but this is kinda hard to bear... I don't feel sad nor mad, i lost this emotions about 5 years ago or so... but i just realised that those emotions are just converted to stress... which causes me a lot of troubles as i already said.... even now i still reply to her instantly and help her with everything she wants or needs... and can't say "no" to her....  


since she just got back from her vacation i will hope it will get back to how it was..... 

What do you think about this situation, what do you think is happening, and what should i do? As I said i wont give up or abandon nor leave her, also i really love her...  


thank you, and sorry for it being such a long post, i am not venting, i am really just asking for advice and opinion of pwBPD.