It seems I've gone through most of my life in an extremely naive state of denial in regards to people's opinion of me.  Only when I had what they call a psychotic break and my now ex and I broke up, did my eyes just burst open to how everyone saw and felt about me and it felt like a giant punch to the gut.  Then I got on seroquel and felt better, but it put me to sleep in more ways than one.  I fucked up again and lost my job, ended up in some weird love triangle and drama ensued that my co workers saw and I feel like they were all plotting against me and have hated me intensely all this time.  It sounds paranoid but in my case, it's very real.  Most of the time I try not to dwell but I just make everyone miserable.  I got a noise complaint the other day that I deserved.  I can't seem to stop pissing people off by being an idiot or an asshole.  

I just can't justify why I'm here.  I'm terrified to get close to anyone, like a legit fear because every time, something bad happens.  My life is pointless but my lizard brain won't give up.  That's literally the only thing keeping me here, people around me WOULD LOVE for me to die, I'm that big a nuisance. Seriously I am NOT paranoid.