The title really sums it up. Not that anyone will read it anyway but I just have to get this off my chest. I seriously feel like I'll never be happy, and it feels like the world wants me to just suffer. 
This is probably gonna be jumbled but anyway here goes. So I'll start with the fact that I happened to get a girlfriend a couple days ago, and I'm happy about that. But at the same time, I have such low self esteem that it's gonna take a long while to actually get it through my head that someone genuinely likes me and wants to be with me. And it's that same self hatred that makes me feel unworthy of her, and that she doesn't deserve to have to deal with my broken arse. Plus like, I'll be going away to college next fall, and I don't want to hurt her by having to leave her (I couldn't do a distance relationship, and we want different things out of life anyway). On a slightly different note, after months of trying and looking, I'm finally in a band with people that care about the band, and we're actually making music! I take a look at my life and see that I have literally everything I've ever wanted, but I still hate my life and I know I'm so ungrateful and I absolutely despise myself for it; I don't deserve to even exist. And kinda going back to what I mentioned earlier, as far as going to college, that is a whole other issue in and of itself. Getting accepted is no issue, my grades have always been outstanding (although gifted kid burnout syndrome is starting to set in). But a lot of it deals with money. I need a car for my plans and aspirations (being in a band: I can't go anywhere with instruments without my own vehicle, and I don't wanna leach off anyone else), which means I need a job to pay for car payments and car insurance. But I can't get a job, literally everywhere I've contacted hasn't gotten back to me after months of me contacting them back over and over again. It's probably because I can only work weekends and a couple hours at night, because I do sports all year. So at this rate, I won't be able to afford a car, which means I won't be able to get a job in college either, because I won't be able to go to any job, so that I still won't be able to afford a car, so I'm screwed. You'll probably say I'm a pessimist, but I think I'm being realistic when I say that I'm only 17 and my hopes and dreams for the future are already down the toilet. I feel like no matter what happens, I'll never be happy, and I'm so sick of existing, I don't want to do this anymore. Life is just suffering, there's no point in it.
And on a side note, if anyone read this, please don't say anything about how God has a plan or how Jesus loves me, I don't believe in any of that. Thanks for trying to help, but just don't bring theology into it.
I'd also like to add that I was seeing a therapist for a bit, but I now have no time to, so yeah, that's that too.