I've been so scared to actually better myself because if I go through months of work to better myself mentally, physically &amp; spiritually just to end up feeling like I have just as little as I do now I don't know what it'll do to me. I'll basically have done everything I could've done &amp; supposed to do in order to "get better" just for it to fail. I hate the thought of going to therapy, mainly because I know for me it would be useless, but another reason it just that if I go and it ends up being useless then what? I have a friend thats on antidepressants and sometimes they just don't work, and she's feeling like life is over for her because she's basically doing everything she's supposed to to "feel better" yet her life is still just as shit. Yes, generally if you just improve your quality of life you'll be better across the board but all it takes is just one odd night to relapse and have everything crumble.

I don't want to go through a year+ of work just to end up feeling like killing myself truly truly is the only option left.