Hello everyone, first of all I know I should go to a therapist to get the certain answer, but I also want to know opinions of people that might have had the same experience. It all started like 5 years ago (Im male 20) I have a good family, friends, stable economy, some girls told me Im good looking (even though in the past i used to think the opposite) and I just cant understand why do I feel so numb sad and empty all the time. At first it was just sadness, then I felt some pain and right now is a mixture of pain and numbness. Thought in killing myself (never got even close to try it, I was just planning it as an option) but I didnt want to hurt my family. My grandfather was depressive for 8 years and then killed himself, his sister was depressive too and also killed herself and the rest of the 3 or 4 siblings didnt commit suicide but lived depressive till their final days. This affected my family (father's side) way too much and my mother says she thinks my father might be depressive too. I dont know if this has something to do with all of this. Right now Im making good amounts of money but it doesnt change anything (as I expected). I drink too much and sometimes do some drugs. Being drunk is the closest thing to happiness I can ever feel. To suppress all of this I go every night to my backyard and smoke cigarettes while I listen to music in the dark, I really like that too. I cant enjoy anything, nothing gives me pleasure of any kind (except the substances).  I dont date many girls, but when get to date a really pretty one and she shows interest and likes me, I start looking for defects in her and stop seeing her beauty. Never had a girlfriend because of this. Really want to have one but deep inside I know its not gonna be like in my imagination (just like everything) I also feel something really bad In my chest when I go through (or remember) embarrassing situations, like my heart goes 200 miles per hour and its hard to breath, really hate it its horrible. I dont give a shit If I become a failure, thats not my problem. I keep on going but im tired and im missing a lot because of this. At the same time I like feeling sad, its comfortable because you know it cant go deeper than that. Whenever im feeling good i start wondering why the hell do i feel like that and miss the sadness (I really want someone's opinion on that)
I'll stop it here because this became really long, for those reading thank you so much for your time.