hi all. i had my first ever appointment with a psychiatrist (psych NP but potato potato) last Friday and after going over my symptoms and a couple episodes i've had over the past 2 years, she gave me a (diagnosis? diagnostic impression? idk, all she said was "i THINK you may have") of bipolar 2, with rapid cycling. i started lamotrigine, currently 25mg and the plan is to titrate up every two weeks if i respond well. i'm also seeing a counselor starting next week.

i was so ready, excited even, to start my healing process, and i thought i understood pretty well what was going on with me. and if i'm being honest, bipolar disorder makes a LOT of stuff i've done in the past make a LOT of sense. but for some reason i never expected to be told i had BD. mood swings, sure, all the time, but with my dissociation and other symptoms i just... didn't think it was just a mood disorder. i still don't think it's JUST a mood disorder and i know there's lots of road ahead of me to continue being assessed and untangling my various issues, but something about a bipolar diagnosis chills me to my very bones, because it's something that i imagine to be so neurologically based. i can't talk therapy my way out of it; it's not a schema i can unlearn or trauma i can heal from; it's something i'll have to be medicated for, maybe for the rest of my life. and i know it's awful to think that way but i'm terrified. there was a really big part of me that wanted to be able to proceed without meds, maybe because i have this deep, internalized belief that being "dependent" on medication makes me "weak" somehow. i hate thinking this way, but i do.

how do you come to terms with it? i'm getting married soon and now i know that my fiancé and future husband is locking himself into a life that may or may not be filled with chaos and unpredictability. he's always sworn, and still does, that he signed up for it and he'd be okay with anything that came to pass, but i feel almost guilty, like i'm responsible for forcing him into a life of suffering, EVEN THOUGH i know, logically, that this disorder isn't a death sentence and LOTS of people live happy, fulfilling lives with BD. it's just... i didn't realize how many internalized issues i had surrounding this diagnosis. i feel awful but these are just my honest thoughts and emotions. but i think hearing from others with this diagnosis might help me wrap my head around it.