Feeling guilt as someone with Borderline

So, im not really sure where to begin here, as this is my first reddit post ever, but i've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after a really bad breakup and toxic relationship ended, i have all the evidences, the ptsd and trauma response to KNOW that my ex girlfriend did cause me a lot of emotional pain and abuse, but yet... i find it so so hard to blame her, and instead, i blame myself for all the mistakes i made. i was manipulative and guilt tripped her, and even to it was a double edged sword, meaning i hurt her and she hurt me i still cant live or cope with the immense guilt i feel for hurting her.
when we broke things off she sent me a text message calling me the most horrid things, and just basically saying i was the worst person in the world, which i know i probably was for her, but like... how do i move on with my life without letting this guilt consume me? some days i feel so bad for having hurted her, for probably have given her trauma and emotional scars that i feel like commiting suicide... bc how do i get to live knowing i was so awful to someone? i have recognized patterns and my behavior has changed greatly, so why cant i give myself some slack for being so unstable during that relationship? (i was without therapy/meds and today i do sessions every week and take 40mg of mood stabilizers) 
is this a bpd thing? is this bc we feel things more intensely? was she my hyperfixation person and is this why i feel so consumed and hollow for having done her harm? i should hate her and be glad i hurt her too for all that she caused me but theres nothing i want more than her forgiviness. 
if someone can help me, i would appreciate it.