Im going to try my hardest not to make this post lengthy but I’ve suffered from depression for a while now. I’ve had moderate to severe depression over the years . It got really bad when I was about 20 and pregnant then i went into premature labor at 6 months my baby passed away (and that’s when I was clinically diagnosed). It lasted for about a year then I was in remission up until beginning 2019. It’s weird because just when my life was going ok towards the end of 2019 I felt like I was better until March 2020. During the pandemic I fell in a even darker depression. 

 I am 26 now and I realized all the signs of depression and seemed help . I did try therapy but it was too expensive I stopped, I only did three sessions but it was beneficial. Anyways , after I stopped therapy I reached out for help online that prescribed me with Prozac. I’ve been on it for about two weeks and It has been a miracle drug for me because Im able to wake up in the morning and actually get up . My eyes don’t hurt from me being tired all day. I can actually see clearly , concentrate and think clearly . And I do feel less depressed.

I work full time, go to school full time , full time mother of a 3 year old and have a second job as a CNA (but can create my own schedule, I usually go overnight whenI have the time). I come from a poor black family and sinceI was a little girl I’ve always wanted to get out the “hood” and accomplish my dreams.  Im trying to live my dreams and don’t want to end up like my mom. I think my mother had severe depression now as I look back at it. My mother is/was a very smart woman, she had/has a natural intelligence , a lot of people would tell me this … friends and family … then talk about how she didn’t do anything with her life…. There is more with her but I don’t want to go into details . I love my mom but she wasn’t always the best mother. 

Anyways, I want to be a dentist but I’ve been through soooooooo much with my life, I’m surprised I’ve made it this far . Even when I was a child I didn’t want to live because I had seizures really bad, but once I was a teenager I grew out of them and I no longer have seizures anymore . Before Prozac I wanted to end it but now that I am on medication I do see my life a lot differently now . I’ve been in college since 2014, I have probably over 8 withdraws due to work, finances, health issues , family issues and coronavirus. 

I don’t want my depression and unfortunate circumstances to define me . I’ve made alot of mistakes with my life and I can own up to them and learn from them. I working really hard to try accomplish my dreams but I’m afraid that I won’t. I have about 30 credits left until I graduate with a BS in biology . I’m just nervous that I won’t get into dental school. I just feel like I’ve always been rejected throughout my life. I can probably write a book about my life lol . 

I’m literally the strong friend, The bubbly friend, the caring friend. But I am also the friend that’s been through so much, the friend who smiles on the outside but is sometimes hurting inside, the loner friend.  People think I’m this happy person but it’s literally all a mask sometimes .I’m the supportive friend that sit in the background then watch people leave or forget that I existed even family . Sometimes,  It doesn’t really bother me because I love seeing people happy and I try to think positive in every situation . 

I came to far to give up now but I just want to know when will I ever have the things that I want ?