My parents tell me that because I am clothed, with a full belly of food, and a roof over my head... That I should be happy. I almost feel ungrateful- Because I am not. 

Here is my most recent journal entry: 

"My only plans for the future are to live a mediocre life. That's the only way I see things working out. I will work a job I do not love, settle for a person I can tolerate, and never live beyond my childhood home. Not much excites me anymore. I am not beautiful nor smart nor interesting. My existence will be an insignificant blip in the universe. Maybe I will die before my mother, so that I will not die alone. 

I think I want to die. I visualized myself holding a gun to the temple of my forehead. I was not appalled by the idea. Or maybe a hanging would be easier. I don't know. I just can't keep living like this. My brain feels heavy and I constantly feel numb. 

I think I will acquire a handgun. When things become too much. I want to feel nothing, do nothing, *be nothing.*"

 I don't know if it's depression, I tried to take a quiz but some of the questions/symptoms sometimes did not apply to me or just straight-up confused me. I just feel like these are not normal, healthy thoughts to have. I would be grateful for any input, thank you.