I am probably closer now than ever to harming myself past the point of no return if you get what I mean. Yet I am also so close to getting help. I can taste it. 

But that little voice in my head is telling me that any help I could seek would never be worth it and only wasted. What kind of fulfilling life can I live where I am living with a disorder that can never be cured but only managed? I am going to spend every moment of every day working towards not doing bad things? Am I ever even going to have a true sense of self? 

I have a very loving and supportive fiancé and a beautiful, happy, healthy child. Our jobs are stable and going great. I have everything I could probably have ever wanted in my sad life and still feel unfulfilled. Will the fulfillment even come with intensive therapy and medication? Will I ever truly enjoy my life or just manage my suffering?