I’m on a slow, agonizing journey of accepting myself. Part of that includes accepting my flaws, learning from past mistakes, etc. However, my anxiety seems to flag everything I do as major cringe, even if I logically know it isn’t. 

For instance, earlier today in my college Literature class, we were discussing how an author of a memoir feels trapped by people who come near to him and the land on which he lives, and I made the joking remark, “As someone who was born and raised (in my state and city), I can understand the author’s feeling of being trapped/invaded. Sometimes, I want everyone who wasn’t born here to go back to where they were born, including my own dad. Traffic is pretty rough these days, haha!”

Most people in the class laughed and nodded in agreement, including students who came from other places. A student originally from NC even brought up the whole “Northerner vs Yankee vs Damn Yankee” joke they have down there. 

Logically, I knew what I said was perfectly fine and appropriate. Perhaps it toed the line a bit, but I don’t think it really did anything to anyone. Except me, of course, because as the title says, everything I say and do is pure cringe, and I hate myself for it. 

Later on, in a different class, I stuttered a bit while answering a question. Of course, everyone gets tongue-tied, and when other people stumble over their words for a second, it’s perfectly fine and normal. But, the second I stutter, my anxiety would want me to never say another word in that class again, because stuttering is bad and cringe when I do it. And everyone will laugh at me for stuttering a bit. 

I don’t know why my brain thinks this way. I don’t know why I torture myself by overthinking every damn thing I do. It sucks so damn much. 

Anyone else relate?