So all my life I feel like I've been unlucky and unloved. I'm currently 20M and I'm seriously wondering what to do. 

When I turned 11, I was promptly kicked out of my house to stay with my grandmother because I got into a heated argument with my uncle living with my parents, siblings and I. He wanted me to stop eating because I was a chubby kid (admittedly I've only grown) and I finally had enough of his badgering and scolded him. My parents stepped in and scolded me. They didnt feel like I had a right to ask him to stop. I stayed there for a year before being allowed back. 

For years on end, I would end up in a serious arguments with my parents because of disagreements in the house. Some ranged from me being upset at the table to one time I was sharing horror stories with my sister (her 14 and I 16) that made her cry. I was made to kneel and beaten. 

I've also had the worst luck with friends. I was never allowed to go over to friend's houses for any reason. It didn't help that I was socially unaware. Everyone was an acquaintance. Me unknowingly coming out did not help. I liked a boy in my class and didn't know what gay was so I told the person seating near me and my whole year ended up finding out about it. It got the guy some teasing and ultimately I was bullied for it. He really ended up hating me. It carried onto high-school because I was with the same people. It didn't help that in the first year, I followed a senior cause I looked up to him and got the whole year of his to bully me. It spread to the extent of teachers bullying me throughout my school life. They even made fun of the little friends I made that I only had 1-2 friends by the time I graduated. 

I fell into depression and so I started sleeping around with men since 14. I catfished that I was older. I didn't care who it was. Married or not. I was very literally just a hole or warm mouth. I finally fell in love with a emotionally unavailable guy I met online. He was not short of cruel. He invited me and another guy to his birthday party and left me and his friends with the guy to the nearby forest for an hour. His friends literally stared me up and down before I finally cried and left. Sadly I continued trying to meet him till he finally blocked me. As any toxic person, I tried to contact him every few months telling him I miss him. Then I met an older guy. Totally put together except for his romantic life. He was newly bi so I was his confident for that area. I fell in love with him but didn't say anything till I got gaslighted into confessing. I eventually had to cut him off because I had two suicide attempts. 

Now I found a toxic guy who is emotionally immature and unavailable to date. He actually wanted me. But he cheated on me the first month into the relationship. I cheated on him with the first guy (my body was the only thing he liked). I got abused by my bf for a long time. Talking to other people and lying about everything. He's much stronger than me so you can imagine what else happened. Yet because my self worth is so little, I'm just staying with him because I don't think I'm worth any love. I got into an argument with my mom because of him and had to move out. She even yelled: "Cursed is the day you were born!" to me. I think I deserve it.

If anyone has any advice that seriously helps people lose weight, get their ugly self together and how to stop this toxic cycle, please share. I'm so tired of life. I need some support. I'm so evil and I don't know how to stop