Hi guys, so this question is mostly directed towards people with BPD who are in a long term relationship with someone. 
Why do I do things I know my girlfriend (together for almost 2 years) wouldn’t want me doing and that I know would hurt me tremendously if she did to me? for example: 
• lying
• cheating
• deleting messages
• “spacing out” for a while and not knowing anything she just said after she’s done telling me something (sometimes even a whole story) *** it makes me feel so bad bc I don’t know if she can tell when that happens or not but that’s just what I tend to do whenever I’m not particularly interested in a topic.. I feel like I have to manually force myself in order to stay focused and listen and engage in what someone’s talking about if it doesn’t pertain to me or anything I either know or care about. 

I notice all of these things I do a lot, but I truly don’t want to hurt her and that’s never my intention.

I say I’m in love with her and feel like I am too, but at the end of the day I seriously begin to question myself because for the most part, she has always shown me loyalty. There’s definitely a lot of regret &amp; remorse on my part. I’m such a piece of shit sometimes without even meaning to be &amp; I only make it worse when all my feelings of sadness/remorse/regret come out as a huge “tantrum” of anger after she brings it up because I have to look at myself. and my episodes literally make it worse and just push her away even more. I refuse to accept that I’m about to really lose her which really triggers my anger. It’s like I refuse to accept the fact that our relationship is shit now and that she doesn’t act like she cares as much as she used to and that it’s because of me. I don’t even deserve her loyalty, but I expect it from her.... Why am I entitled like this? Why would you cheat on someone if you really love them? 

So ultimately, the question is... Do I love her? Do I know what love is? Or am I just not used to being loved right so I push the right one away type of thing? 

Disclaimer: I hate blaming my behavior on bpd but there’s times where I sit down racking my brain trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I’m very selfish and I don’t always like to admit that. :/ I truly have good intentions. I just want to love and be loved. I just don’t always think about how I’d feel if it were the other way around before I do those things. The crazy part is that I don’t even enjoy being with anyone else the way I do with her, and I never get anything out of it so why keep doing the same thing over and over again, especially if I don’t particularly enjoy it? 

Any advice y’all? Can anyone relate? Should I just give up on this relationship? I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t live without her :( help!!