Im going to use this post as my journal entry for the day. I would like to know if anyone relates to how I feel, and any knowledge one might have to offer is much appreciated.

2/22/21

My mental health began its rapid decline a year ago, after an emotional hiccup in my life. Neuroticism possessed me. I became irritable, depressed, insecure, sad and sick. Hypochondria crept into my daily routine, as a trip to the gym triggered a panic attack that rendered me terrified of exercise. Suddenly i was afraid of every unfamiliar sensation on my body. I was existing in a constant state of fear and discomfort, and it seemed I was headed towards Agoraphobia.

It's been several months, and without medication; I can proudly say that just by learning about anxiety, I have begun to face it head on. I began to reassure myself that I wouldn't be defeated, and I began to prevail. I am back in the gym every morning at 7:00, I am eating well, and pursuing my interests. Nonetheless, there is a residual darkness that looms, reminding me that I'm still afflicted.

The Good Days:

On my good days, I am optimistic, sociable, confident, inspired and usually excited for the challenges I set up for myself. The ones that are supposed to turn my life around, and get me on the right track. I start to get into the groove, and things begin to look up. I stick to my routine, I coast through the day, and I am focused on myself. Im not manic during these periods, just really hope-full and determined. Life has meaning and my eyes are on it. This could last a week, two weeks, or even three.

The Bad Days:

Suddenly, It's like a switch is flipped, and I become my shadow. Like a veil is draped over me. I am irritable, over-stimulated, distracted, and unwell. I don't really have concerning thoughts, besides intrusive ones that accompany anxiety. Every new sensation on my body is a symptom of a deadly disease I didn't know I had. I begin to believe i'm going crazy, and theres multiple moments where I literally say to myself "welp... here I go... this is it", and am thoroughly convinced that the following moments I will have left this realm and entered insanity. It's bloody terrifying. I don't want to hurt myself. Im not particularly sad or depressed. I just simply feel unwell, and all the qualities that embody me on my good days are muffled and blurred. I feel hazy. The good habits I was so excited to implement, suddenly cease, and I don't even realize until its been a few days since I have stayed consistent. Its so annoying. The smallest things make me uncomfortable or paranoid, and my world exists inside my head, not in reality. I am not present, not myself, and feel susceptible to malevolence. Regardless, I do my best to stick with my routine, as if its another good day.

The Aha! moment:

After a week or so of trudging through the mud, I suddenly realize that I have the conscious ability to get my life on track. What an epiphany. I become excited about all the minor changes that seem so accessible. How silly was I this whole time. My interests start to beckon before me, and I begin to work towards them. My routine begins to feel more sound, and its on its way to becoming a full fledged habit. I am active. I read. I write. I eat on schedule, and I exist outside of my head and my phone. Im so excited. The tunnel is getting brighter and brighter, and standing at the end is my ideal self. It's been a week and a half, and things feel so good that my journal entries are filled with affirmation. "Finally the fog is lifting".

And then the switch flips.

Im not sure if theres a trigger. Im not sure if it takes 1 bad day to ruin the next couple weeks. All I know is that my mental health seems to be operating on a cycle, and it has been for the last several months. I can say that I've made plenty of progress since last year. I am more level headed, more durable and more equipped....but Im damn tired. And I know theres a lot of you out there that are too. At times I have felt frustrated, because any time I try to explain this stuff to people I feel like they don't really know what Im saying. Like it doesn't really make any sense.

Anyway I hope some of you find this post valuable. At least to know theres one more person out there that knows how you may feel. Any wisdom is welcome. I appreciate you guys.