we have a very complicated relationship.

our childhood dynamic is one that left me scarred and resentful. her physical and emotional abuse was a primary trigger in the development of my dissociative disorder. now, my dissociation stops me from being present and my fear/resentment towards her make me want to run away when shes near. 

i hold her at arms length, and she's upset because ive been detached and emotionally unavailable to her. its become a cycle where i react to the intensity of her BPD by dissociating, then she reacts to me distancing in ways that are physically or emotionally abusive, then i dissociate even more. 

she doesnt know how much our childhood affected me and its clear from the few times ive brought it up that she doesn't remember a lot of what she did to me. she doesnt know i have a dissociative disorder and i dont feel comfortable telling her, so i cant explain to her where my dissociative behaviors comes from.

i feel like she hates me because of this. and i feel like she wouldnt care about how much she's hurt me. i cant explain why i struggle so much with her because she'll get defensive. 

so how do i get back on her good side? what can i do? will she ever view me as "good" again, now that ive been devalued in her mind?