I just got a call from the doctor at the NHS assessment and liaison service who diagnosed me last month. She’s saying that she spoke to the Personality Disorder specialist and that the specialist doesn’t think I have a personality disorder, just “bad role models” which have caused me to develop “inadequate coping skills”. That’s basically what she told me when she gave me the (i guess tentative?) diagnosis so I don’t understand what’s changed.

She said she was happy that I’d been to the service user network she recommended me to. She suggested that I self refer to a local counselling service.

I have been struggling to hold back tears thinking about this all day at work. I don’t know why. I first read about BPD in 2017 and felt like I was reading about myself. I didn’t trust myself though. I really fought for this referral. It was for bipolar since my parents had been noticing my drastic mood swings. Yet she confirmed what I originally thought and I was relieved. I felt that I finally had a name for the horror that is my life. And now an apparent “specialist” who’s never met me is saying that actually I just need counselling? 
I wish I’d said something on the phone but it hadn’t really sunk in and now I have no way to contact her and the letter will be sent to my GP saying that I’m actually fine and I guess the referral was for nothing.

I don’t really know what to do. I feel so awful about everything and the worst thing is that I didn’t expect anything better from the NHS. I was even amazed I managed to get a referral in the first place. I guess I can’t rely on the universe to not fuck me over.