I (24f) suffer with diagnosed BPD, Bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder and PTSD. I’m not here about my life story I’m here because I feel like I’m bringing my boyfriend (23m) down. Or maybe we are bringing eachother down. And in this moment I’m feeling like we might not work out and could use any outside advice. I am on a camping trip right now, the power lines were down at my camp so while I was out today was going to be my only time to be able to talk to my boyfriend. I went to a diner and had signal and wasn’t going to be there long due to getting take out, he told me he was streaming and stopped answering so I assumed maybe he didn’t hear his phone and just wanted to tell him I loved him before I left the diner I would have called but it was loud so I commented on his stream (which only had two viewers, not that it mattered but I feel like it’s a part of the story) saying hey message me back this might be our only time to talk today due to the power lines being down, he texted me back as soon as he saw it and said don’t ever say that on his stream again and to just try to text him again next time because he doesn’t want anyone seeing our business. Which made me feel super off putting because we know one of the viewers but not personally and the other idk at all so it’s not like it mattered that they knew I was camping. People know we are a couple on twitch I’ve gained a following they talk to us all the time and I didn’t think it was a big deal that I even commented that. He said he wasn’t mad but then I got upset and we started fighting and in the middle he just says “And you wonder why I can’t talk to you” and it just really made me shut down for the rest of the day. He tends to throw this in my face a lot when we argue about the smallest stupid things. Other than these small fights our relationship is great but it hurts because he doesn’t even try to understand me at all. And he has thrown this in my face whenever upset with me and it really makes me second guess our relationship and how he truly feels about me. He even deleted his twitch over the argument which didn’t make sense to me and was out of nowhere. He’s deleted his accounts in the past before when I got upset over him following girls that posted lewd things on TikTok I had brought it to his attention that I was super uncomfortable and we fought over it so he got mad and deleted his account. We are long distance, we close this distance in a month and will be living together when he moves back. I’m scared about it now. I feel like I’m hard to deal with because of my emotions and also I have cancer and don’t want to burden him with my sickness and mental illness if he won’t take the time to help me when I’m upset or understand me. I feel stuck. He’s a great person and I care for him and love him so deeply but I noticed today that maybe our relationship might be toxic. I have a hard time telling the difference sometimes because I’ve only been in extremely abusive relationships my whole life. There was also this thing he’s done our whole relationship where if he’s playing his games and he knows I’m upset he chooses to continue the game over talking to me, or at least checking me and though he’s been a little bit better in the last few weeks it makes me feel so unimportant and uncared for and it reminds me how my last relationships have made me feel. Is there anything I can do to help calm myself when I feel so out of control of my emotions or better explain to him when I need his help during an episode? I am going through so much in my life and I have no one and live alone and have been really struggling and feeling so suicidal. I hadn’t s/h in 8 years and relapsed 2 months ago. It’s getting bad again.