So I’m not doing fucking good. 

I’m triggered and acting out, big time. 

Got myself into a relationship that I regretted the moment it happened. 

Now a fucking week to the day later it’s ended. 7 days. What a fucking loser. 

I confided in him, told him secrets I haven’t told many people. (We have been friends and hanging out for almost a year, did a commited thing for a couple of months and then 7 days ago official BF/GF- well not anymore).

I’m beyond humiliated, ashamed, ruminating, self loathing. How could I be so stupid to have told someone something to extremely personal, confidential? 

...And now this, it’s over because I was upset that he has no time for me and always pushed our plans back. And I made a comment about how he has time for me now since he’s got nothing else to do. 

I’ve sent him probably 50 texts in the last 9 hrs. 

I’m on a roll, of self destruction and just being cruel, first it was the “I hate me” and now it’s “I hate you”. And yet I still want him to come over and hold me, but I know the brutally honest truth I’ve now shared with him is not fixable. 

Why did I lie to myself? I knew damn well, I could do better and have better I wasn’t impressed with him, was I desperate? The sex was amazing, sure. But there was not much more there. Looks, not really. Confidence? No he’s a timid bitch. Conversation? Only at his discretion, always what he wanted to discuss and normally only when drunk. That’s not healthy. He smoked and drinks, and is overweight. He stinks, his room stinks, his clothes smell like animal urine. It’s just fucking sick. He’s messy. He takes great pride in being an asshole and how fucking pathetic is that? What woman wants an asshole and not a gentleman? I suppose I own him a thanks for teaching me that one. 

Had to delete my other posts because I got worried, about my splitting, and posted other negative BS, that he told me if he ever found that it would be a done deal. It’s always a done deal with him, tonight too and my behavior. He refused to read articles I sent him regarding my mental health, he refused to educate himself about that part of me. And at one point he slipped and called it Bipolar, but we couldn’t talk about that, and he shut my anger about that up, not allowing me to even correct him, just BAM, that conversation is over because I got defensive. Yeah, I did. You can’t even get ME and my issues right?! 

I gave this man so much... money, me, stupidly, knowingly, how he is not and was not what I’ve wanted. Why do I fuck everything up? We could have at least maintained a friendship, but no I had to seduce him.

I’m in the middle of a project, I’m so tempted to quit and throw it away. It was suppose to be 30 days. Today is day 15, and I want to be done, give up. Give up on myself, my capabilities. I’ve come so far, but really who am I doing it for? No one cares. And I’m only doing it all because I know I can. But what does anything matter? 

I’m in distress. 

I’m being abandoned again. 

I need help. Then again, I’ve always needed help and know who’s been the only one to ever help me? ME. 

Fuck it all.