Hello. I’m not looking for pity but also probably cannot handle anything too mean right now. In October I (17F) met this guy (20M). We got really close and I really really started to like him and we were hooking up multiple times a week. He didn’t like me back but I kept telling myself it was okay. There was one night after we were done fucking we were laying in bed together and I wanted to go again. A few days before I made him want to go again by touching his penis and it was fine. This time he said no and I kind of brushed it off as like a “haha silly haha hehe” thing. Before my hand got under the pants I realized he was really uncomfortable because he was frozen and unresponsive so I stopped. I think the reason I did that was because before we fucked he told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me so I guess I wanted to hurt him. I apologized and told him I think I sexually assaulted him. A few days later he blocked me everywhere and I had to beg him to let me stay in his life. This wasn’t the first time he blocked me either. The first time he did I drove to his house in the middle of the night crying to get him to unblock me. So he finally said yes and we were gonna hang out again just as friends and see where we were. I told myself that I would do things right this time. Never would I ever hurt him again. I don’t know what during that hang out happened but a switch just flipped. I knew he wanted to be set free by me so I told him if he fucks me one last time I will leave his life forever, I just wanted to have one last good memory with him and not have it all be bad. He wouldn’t. I kept pressing. He pulled out his voice memo and asked me to say it again. I didn’t say anything. I don’t remember what happened between the voice recorder and what i’m about to talk about. I remember telling him “i’ve already gone too far” and climbing on top of him and trying to kiss him and he hit me in the face and threw me across the room. I layed there on the floor for a little bit. I remember smiling and laughing a little bit. I was excited by the “challenge” I guess. I don’t know. When I got up I kept trying. He pushed me away again and stormed out of his room, screaming. I collected my things and saw him sobbing and his mom was holding him. She was just staring at me in fear and confusion. For the next hour he would just be screaming at me that he hates me and to get out of the house and that i’m a rapist. And his mom was in the corner having a panic attack as was i.

I’m disgusted. I traumatized him. And I enjoyed it. What would I have done if he didn’t push me off? Why did I SMILE?! I still harassed him for 2 weeks through different phone numbers after this happened. Now that the antipsychotics (latuda) that I started recently have kind of set in I haven’t tried to contact him at all. I have my first appointment with a therapist on thursday. I don’t know if that’s enough. I’ve apologized to him but I know it’s not enough. I am deciding on either turning myself in or killing myself. Like I’m not even saying that in a way to get attention. I need to stop hurting everyone I come in contact with. No human who deserves to live would ever get excited while physically assaulted someone. I knew what I was doing in the moment I can’t even blame it on something like my BPD and bipolar and I was sober so I can’t say I was under the influence. I hope that he can heal. I don’t trust myself to not flip a switch again and try to contact and manipulate him because what I think one day is different the next. I feel like a slave to my emotions constantly flipping on a whim and everyone says you are in control of your actions but the whole time i was doing that i was inside of myself screaming at myself to stop and praying to God to kill me now or smite me or stop me do something. I need to kill myself to stop the cycle and let him HEAL. Or turn myself in at least. Then he could have the justice he needs.