hi everyone.

it's currently 3:30 am here and i feel like absolute dogshit. i had a huge fight with my boyfriend about how i felt like he was putting in zero efforts into changing his unlikable behaviors, such as not being able to control his emotions, specifically his frustration and rage, properly, etc.

this all started out while we were playing a video game with a couple of friends and he got angry over his performance on the game. he kept acting like a child with tantrum like yelling and overall he was frustrated at himself. i kept telling him to calm down but he just wouldn't listen. so i got upset and just muted my mic, which he noticed so he texted me asking if i was okay and if i was upset at his behavior and i replied with a simple yes. this went on for about 7 hours. 

just an hour ago, after speaking to a mutual friend, i learned that he had actually vented out to the same person. basically the summary of his vent was that he felt sad since i expect so much of him while he doesn't really expect anything from me at all and just wants me to be happy.

i talked to him about it and he said that it's kind of unfair that i get upset at him for showing emotions, and of course, i only ended up being more upset / mad at him. 

i realized that in times like this, i'm usually the one lashing out with words that i don't mean, usually telling him that we should break up, almost like an attempt to hurt him. tonight, i really got to his hurt and even saw him bawling in video chat, which he usually doesn't do in front of me. (note that we are in a long distance relationship)

basically, i feel like shit for treating him this way. i'm currently off medication because my parents refuse to put me on them. i hate myself for hurting him with my words and borderline being verbally abusive towards him, then once he goes to sleep, i feel sorry and guilty. i know he doesn't deserve this but he keeps reassuring and reminding me that he loves me and that he understands my situation. the other night he told me that whenever we get into arguments, he just reassure himself that i love him and he'll be alright, since according to him, he's more than ready to give me all the happiness i deserve in the world.

to sum it all up, i just feel like a bad person and a bad girlfriend towards him. i know there's plenty of other girls out there that are much more deserving of him than i am. please help me on how i can stop doing this to him. i just want to give back the love he gives me. also, yes, he's very aware that i have BPD.