Please don't hate me for this

Ok so I have never been to therapy (talked to therapists, but no consistent therapy) and am undiagnosed but there are several serious things going with my mental health, for at least 6 years now. I could spill the words depression, social anxiety and more, but like I said I am undiagnosed and I do not under any circumstances support self diagnosing.

And the thing is: I am struggling so so much, for so so long now. Over the years I gathered a lot of knowledge about psychology, I've read books and research papers, had friends with depression, anxiety, ED, BPD and more, I am part of internet communities where mental illness is discussed and please don't hate me for what I am gonna say... I am very sure that I have BPD. I do NOT consider myself as a person with BPD, I do NOT support self-diagnosing and I do NOT claim to have BPD. I am just desperate to the core. There are so many reasons why I dodged therapy for at least 6 long years now and I am well aware that therapy is the way to go for me, there is no other way, I know. It's just so difficult, every single day is a struggle, I am overwhelmed, I don't know who I am, I am scared, I am confused, I feel like I am not sick enough to deserve treatment, I am longing for safety, I hate myself, I can't admit the fact that sometimes I don't hate myself, I am so so so tired. And I don't even know what I am typing here, why I am typing it and what comments I expect. I just don't know.

I don't know  

I don't know


I just don't

I can give you a quick overview of the struggles I am talking about for those who want a bit more substance to this mess of a post.
CONTENT WARNING/POSSIBLE TR**MA DUMP:
&gt;! major issues with my body and confidence, self harm, unaliving attempts, mood swings on a daily basis, SO MUCH CONFUSION, can't talk to strangers, am scared of social interaction and scared to be judged, am a perfectionist to the bone, unhealthy eating (like I straight up starved myself for for weeks in December/November 2021, am still eating unhealthy, but there's minimal calorie intake), so much impulsive behaviour, a lot of feelings I don't unterstand, the slightest things trigger the weirdest strong emotions like??? What???, literally no motivation to live, sleeping so much (14+ hours per day) but also staying up until unholy times, Relationship issues like the second I am alone I am CONVINCED I am hated and so much more, I manipulate myself into hurting the few loved ones I have left, I feel like I am super sensitive to everything and everyone and I hate it, I have severe trust issues, I fear being abandoned - that's why I don't even enter new relationships and destroy the ones I have, checkmate! In the past I was bullied for years, my egg-donor absued me emotionally and blames me for basically everything and also tells everyone I am the monster here bc I finally abandoned this woman for good and now SHE'S hurting, she manipulated me, gaslighted me, lied to me on a daily basis, cheated on my father but denies it to this day, she never believed me and always favored my older brother (who bullied me every day but she obviously didn't saw it like that), she straight up blackmailed me, spreads lies and personal information, once threatened to have my apartment door broken up by the police if I don't open to her, she told me I'm fat etc. etc. THE LIST GOES ON AND ALSO WHY AM I EVEN TYPING THIS what am I doing, literally...!&lt;


Please don't hate me for whatever the **** this post is that I just put in your subreddit, feed I am so so sorry, I guess this is really just a cry for help

._.