

TLDR; I was assaulted early in my relationship with my current partner. I waited 2 years to tell him. While he supports me, he is hurt I waited to tell him and feels lied to. 

Hi all,

I need some advice on what to do here. I know this isn’t directly related. I am diagnosed with BPD, and I’m having trouble with my relationship. 

About 2 years ago after only dating my partner for a few months, I was assaulted by someone I trusted (let’s call him M) I was travelling for a few months and my partner and I were in an LDR. I had gone to a bar with some friends for my last night before returning home. I don’t remember much of the night honestly. (TW: I describe a bit of the assault in the next few sentences). The only thing I remember is stumbling to the hostel alone, and then being face down in my bed in and out of consciousness not really understanding what was happening. I couldn’t move or speak, and then I think I just passed out again. I woke up in my bed in the morning and he was gone. 

Honestly, I think I view sex differently than most people. I was more angry at myself for being naive at barely 18 and trusting people too much. I just wanted to forget, since I was so upset with myself for not being safe. 

So I didn’t tell my partner. And I honestly just cut it out of my memory. I swore to never tell anyone, since I was so embarrassed. 

I few weeks later after being home, M messaged me about a job, in the same city as my partner. It was an amazing opportunity that I didn’t want to pass up. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I booked a flight to Europe for this job. I saw M a few times, and realized that I was not comfortable doing so, so I quit. My partner asked why I quit, and I just said the job wasn’t right for me, and it wasn’t brought up much afterwards. 

Now fast forward to a few weeks ago. I was speaking to my roommate and the topic got brought up. I decided to tell her about it, and she was extremely supportive. But she told me I needed to tell my partner, that I couldn’t hide it from him anymore. 

So I did, I didn’t tell him in the best way. I just kind of blurted it out after a few drinks. He was understanding and comforting and It felt good to tell him. But, now that some time has passed and he has a hard time understanding why I would go back to see M. I don’t really have an explanation. I just wanted to forget about it and move on. I wanted a job in the same city as my partner so we could be together. I haven’t spoken to M since I left the job. I blocked him on social media, and he lives on the other side of the world. 

How do I get my partner to understand? He has gone through sexual assault as a child, so I really thought he would have more empathy, but he can’t seem to wrap his head around why I went to see M again after. Honestly, I don’t know if I understand why I did enough to explain to him. I feel like I wronged my partner and I don’t know what to do from here. He says he’s fearing for our relationship now, as he feels he’s being lied to and our trust is broken. He’s worried that I made up this story for a drunken hookup that I regret. He says he can’t move on until I answer why...

I’m so frustrated and I don’t know what to say or think or do. 


Any tips and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading :)