I feel like my breakdowns go like:
1) triggered by something. At the moment it’s that I found out my ex is seeing someone new.

2) lash out at my ex, send a hundred texts being angry and saying I hate him and wish I never met him and then I feel horrible and guilty and apologise and then get aggressively self hating and say I want to die, start shaking, can’t cope so I start drinking. Last night I drank a bottle of wine literally sculling half of it, smoke weed to get to sleep. 

3) can’t, stay up crying violently and cut or try to find pills and continue just spilling my shit out everywhere and feeling insane 

4) calm down but can’t sleep and can’t distract myself because my mind is just constantly nagging at me to remind myself of the thing that caused me pain. My brain is just torturing me with images of this girl. Like my brain is utterly fixated on reminding me of the trigger. How can I be happy when this happened? 

5) just obsess and ruminate even though it feels like it’s killing me. Just think over and over again why did he leave me why did he leave me and feeling like it’s obviously because of all this.. even though he’s reassured me a million times that it was never about me. But my mind says, how can that be true? How did he move on so fast? How can he have left me? How is he with her now? 

I can’t cope. It’s so painful. I don’t know how to live like this. My brain wants to throw up painful images and hurt me