CW for drugs (cannabis) and self harm

seriously? 

i’ve been trying to slow down on smoking weed and i’m pathetically bad at it. about 5 months ago i pretty much smoked 2-3 times a day and i slowed down once per day after. recently i’ve been smoking every other day to cut back, and non smoking days fucking sucked but eventually they got manageable. and then i decided i wouldn’t smoke for a week. wow, what a huge fucking goal. 

it’s day three of my no smoking week and i fucking cut myself. i feel so fucking pathetic that i can’t go three fucking days without weed before resorting to my old addiction. seriously? i’m addicted to weed? its so fucking stupid that it’s a meme. it’s not that fucking hard to stop getting high. my friend who used to smoke everyday just decided to not smoke for a month and smokes only once in a while now. she just. stopped. i asked her about it and she said “it wasn’t all that hard. i’m just sober all the time”. holy shit, i feel so pathetic that this is so hard for me. jesus, if the easiest thing to quit is weed, what would happen if i got addicted to literally anything else? and by the rate i’m going, i fucking will

i’m not trying to stop smoking entirely. just fucking slow down so i don’t do it every day. it helps me a fuck ton with emotions and when i get unfathomably angry for 8+ hours. it helps me calm down and feel less guilt. it helps with headaches. it helps with soothing and emotional regulation. it fuckinghelps with self harm. i just want to slow the fuck down and apparently i can’t fucking do that without cutting myself.