  
 I am constantly fighting to keep my mood up and I feel like I'm losing any support systems I had in place. I've always thrived on being the person who gives, is always there for others, etc, but I'm starting to feel like people around me are closing themselves off when I need to feel warmth in return. My SO and I have zero intimacy and haven't for a long time, which crushes me because it's something that I really enjoy and it makes me feel like I'm desirable or attractive or wanted. It's basically dead in our relationship and has been for a long time and I've tried to talk about it but nothing changes no matter how much I compromise or negotiate. It makes me feel helpless and like I have no control over such an important aspect (to me) of being with someone.    


I often find myself in relationships (friendship or romantic) where there is a lot of sharing, immersion, we basically become close to inseparable. I love this and frankly feel like it's vital to me, and it's important to others when they need me to be there but otherwise I feel like it doesn't really matter. For example, I spend so much energy and time trying to help others around me but then when it comes to me I just feel like I could basically disappear until they need me again and it would be their preference.   


I just feel extraordinarily lonely and like I'm drifting through space without an anchor, just kind of waiting for the people around me to finally tell me they've moved on from me or whatever. I've tried working on myself, meds, keeping busy, it doesn't matter, I want to feel companionship and I want to feel STABLE companionship. I'm tired of spending my days trying to not have a breakdown because I feel so isolated and like I can't even express how I feel without it being ignored or turned against me. I never thought this is where I'd be at this point in my life and I always had greater hopes for myself when I was a kid. I just want to be with someone who makes me feel safe and who actually is attracted to me and interested in me and doesn't have endless reasons why intimacy isn't possible with me. I just want someone to listen to me and actually give a shit about what I'm saying and actually care if I'm here or not. Like I want to matter to someone so much that they'd actually seek me out if I wasn't here, not because they'd need something from me but because they'd need me as a whole, because they'd love me for me and feel incomplete without me.  

&amp;#x200B;

Just really really tired and feel like I'm at a breaking point. I don't know what to do anymore. I genuinely feel lost and just want to give up.