I know a lot of people and I get excited by the idea of a group of people who like hanging with one another. Boardgames, drinking, trips, pumpkin patches, dinners. I like dynamics and the idea of people dating and stuff. 


But in reality? Everything is so stressful to me. Before, during, after. I don't have the patience or chill for this kind of stuff to be something for someone like me. My fun isn't real fun. My insecurity is always there and sometimes shines through this front I have up. I shouldn't host events, I honestly shouldn't ever have a friend group. I've tried, I've gotten in my head, I've ruined things. Maybe I should quit while I'm ahead with this one. 


It's sad to accept that what I want will never be me. It's something not natural to whoever the fuck I am. Next day and I'm still in bed stuck remembering all the things I did wrong. Feeling hopeless and I just want to sleep my life away