I have been diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety and PTSD just this last year after years of suffering, self medicating, and self destructing all while struggling to survive the endless trauma magnet that my life has been since childhood. 

I've been on and off medication since I was a young teenager and have had horrible reactions to every SSRI I've ever taken. Ranging from constant apathy (sometimes leading to mania) leading me to self sabotage by going from a 4.0 student to skipping school, being promiscuous and roaming around at night despite potential danger. 

I also would experience extreme lows whenever alone, which lead to suicide attempts, or serious contemplation (putting a loaded gun in my mouth to see what it would be like and how close I could get). 

But basically I'm always at my worst when I'm transitioning medications and I'm so tired and scared of this trial and error shit. It feels like an endless torture session. I already feel bad enough on a daily basis, but it's even worse when I hit rock bottom and try taking something to feel better, but end up plummeting through bedrock to a new layer of hell. 

Currently I'm on welbutrin and at first it was helping my depression and I was probably in hindsight on the more manic end of the spectrum... But now I'm feeling low again and plagued by constant insecurity paranoia and anxiety. I also never get tired. Like my body can feel exhausted but I just can't turn my brain off, it's always racing to places I don't want to go. I've tried several medications for sleep. Currently I take lorazepam when I'm desperate.

I've also noticed mood swings even as they're happening and I just can't control it. It's maddening because I'm a rational person and I know what is happening but the emotions are so raw that I can't stop it. 

It's taking a toll on my relationships. I've isolated a lot and even quit my job in corporate management. It was a hostile environment to be fair and everyone I knew at the time encouraged me to quit, but I was proud of that job. It made me feel important as dysfunctional as it was. 

Now I've been unemployed for 9 months after being a workaholic since the beginning of my adult life.

I can't handle even the smallest amount of stress anymore without boiling over.

I'm also paranoid about running into people I know around town so I barely even leave the house. 

My fiance is really supportive, saying I need to focus on getting better and nothing else. But I can't help but feel like I'm never going to be better and that we'd both just be better off if I put an end to my miserable existence. I know that isn't right. I know it breaks his heart. But it's all I can think about lately... 

My psychiatrist prescribed me lamictal as a mood stabilizer to help with the mood swings/ reactive mood, but mood stabilizers are also something I've heard horror stories about from people who have bipolar disorder... I'm afraid of having another bad reaction and becoming even more disassociated than I already feel. My fiance thinks I should try it... But I really don't know what to do... 



**TLDR; History of bad reactions to psychotropic drugs, prescribed Lamictal for reactive mood. I'm afraid to take mood stabilizers. What is your two cents and why?**