**Note: I hope this post doesn't break any rules, and if it has, I apologise. I can amend the post as needed, or I guess you can just deleted it. Also worth noting: I live in the UK, so healthcare is "free" (socialised) here. I think that's probably important to mention.**

I wish I didn't feel that doctors as fundamentally bad and untrustworthy because I really need help, for multiple issues, but I can't bring myself to try asking for help again because last time (and times before that) I wasn't listened to, or taken seriously. I *can't* put myself through that again, or even put myself in the position of it possibly happening again. It is so humiliating to ask for help and to not be taken seriously, and to actually be assertive, and still not be listened to, respected, and taken seriously. It's so fucking painful to be dismissed like that, and I cannot go through it again. I will not. 

*Rationally* I know that not at ALL doctors are arrogant or dismissive, but that's been my experience with them more than once now, and considering how sensitive I am, even once is too much for me to handle. So even though I rationally know this, I can't bring myself to try again. Are my emotions controlling me, or maybe I'm just being stubborn? I don't know. 

So what'll happen? I guess I will suffer, alone, until the day I die – whether at my own hand, probably within the next 10 years, or alone, of old age, having lived a pathetic, unfulfilled life. If I get worse, and I probably will, and things eventually reach a crisis point with my mental health, I will **not** allow them to "help" me. Honestly, I hate the power imbalance: they can force you to get help, but you can't force them to help you. You can ask for help, but they can just dismiss you. They can ask, but if you say "no", they're able to force you to do as they wish, if *they* deem it necessary... but if *you say* that you have a problem? You're not to be taken seriously, of course. You're not a doctor. Your opinion doesn't matter.

I suppose I'm just bitter. I've fantasised many times about hurting myself or allowing myself to get ill just to scare them. To 'get back' at them. To spite them. To be able to say "no" to *them*, when they try to "help" me, because why should I let them just because THEY want to and because it's convenient for *them*, but when *I* ask for help? I'm basically told to get fucked. When I ask for help and need help, I am not helped. I am not even taken seriously. I am made to feel like such a burden. **Important to note: I most likely won't hurt myself to 'get back' at them, but I do fantasise about it a lot. Though I suppose by avoiding doctors, I am allowing myself to get more ill.** 

Part me doesn't want to get worse, obviously, which is why I wish I could ask for help, but I can't. I can't because I hate doctors, because they're rude, and dismissive, and arrogant, and they don't care. I feel like they're deliberately dismissing me to tempt me to hurt myself? (As strange as it sounds.) It's almost like they're challenging me to prove that I "really" have a problem. I certainly feel like I have something to prove. I hate that they basically allow you to get worse before they're even willing to help you. In America, doctors only care about one thing: making money. In the UK? They only care about saving money. They don't care about patients (or even patient preferences, in my experience). 

So, they want to save money? I'll save them money! **I'll never see a doctor ever again, for any reason, whatsoever.** That's pretty much what I've been doing for almost 2 years now. (One exception was to get vaccinations, but I didn't need to interact with any doctors to do that, and I think being vaccinated is important).It was my 20th birthday yesterday. I wonder how mich more of my life will be lost to mental health problems. Sorry if this is incoherent and too rant-y, and again, I hope it brakes no rules. 