Not sure how to phrase this correctly but … I’m 99% sure most of my anxiety stems from my dad being mean to service workers. 

To start off, my mom passed from cancer when I was a child (~5 years old) and my dad was diagnosed with a different type of cancer that same year. He then went through about 12 years of chemo/ radiation while raising me &amp; my 2 siblings (I’m the youngest) while also moving us to Texas during a recession. I’m saying this because I understand why he may have issues with stress/anger/grief. That’s a fucking LOT for one person to deal with. So I can forgive him for things he has said to us, certain actions he’s taken, etc. Ever since he went into remission &amp; went off his pain meds, he’s calmed down a lot. 

HOWEVER. He is still mildly a Karen. Back when he was going through treatment, he was that customer who just waited for the server to fuck up so he could give them shit. One time a waitress wasn’t refilling his tea fast enough so he got up, grabbed a pitcher full of tea off the counter, filled his glass and then walked around the restaurant asking if anybody needed refills bc “our waitress obviously wasn’t gonna do it”. That kind of shit. There are so many times where my siblings and I would wait outside the restaurant while he was bitching at the staff because it was so embarrassing. My brother would just stare off into space, my sister would cry, and I would just read whatever book I had with me. 

Like I said, he’s calmed down. However the last time I visited him about a year ago, we went out to eat with my bf (it was their first time meeting) at some fancy restaurant and he yelled at a valet driver because they weren’t offering any regular parking. I understood why he was angry but I hated how he went from 0-100 like that. Especially with my bf there. Like he couldn’t hold it in for one fucking weekend? And because of his outburst, I spent the first 20 minutes of dinner giving him the cold shoulder until my bf talked me down while my dad was in the bathroom. 

The whole thing just like took me back to when he was going through treatment and it’s triggered anxiety in me that I haven’t felt in a while. Now just the thought of visiting my dad makes me want to vomit. And it’s made me realize how much of my day-to-day anxiety stems from his behavior. 

Also I say this in the nicest way but please don’t advise me to talk to him about it… he struggles heavily with depression/feeling like a failure as a father and I’m not going to add to that heaviness. It would just make me feel guilty and more anxious. 😭 I know that sounds kinda silly but yeah