Hi all!

Just looking for any type of support here, and appreciate any and all replies!

It seems as though I'm a cruel twist of fate, I've finally become happy and able to manage most of my fears and worries, but that's not the bad part. 

It looks like I've unlocked the final boss of my anxiety now: what will happen after I die?

I used to be suicidal, and sometimes prayed for death to come to me, but now that I've started working on myself and going to therapy/getting medicine I want nothing more than to live.

I try to believe in God, or some kind of higher power, a new plane of existence that we just can't comprehend. 

But some nights when my head hits the pillow my mind strikes at me...

"What if it's nothing but darkness forever?"

"What if I die tomorrow, with no warning?"

"What if the cause of death is so excruciatingly painful that I lose all control of my actions and helplessly scream until I slip away?"

And these thoughts have been destroying me for the past couple of weeks. 
I have an appointment coming up later this week, but I feel like I can't make it until then. 

I can't even play the video games I used to anymore, because they're too violent and set me off. I just start empathizing with the victims and trying to imagine exactly what they feel. It's maddening to be honest.

Please, I need some kind words, or advice, or anything thank you.

I think I might be afraid of and trying to resist the total lack of control we have over death, but that's just me spitballing here.