This is one of the fucking worst things ever that is going on inside of my head. It causes so many problems, both for me and for people around me. I have friends. I have people who care for me. I feel like I can never show them the love any of them deserve because inside me, I don't feel like I deserve their love and I hate them for just plain not seeing that I'm a monster and they shouldn't have anything to do with me.

So then I treat them like shit in hopes that they'll start treating me like shit and get away from me. 

This happens with EVERYBODY I get even remotely close to.

I've called my caregivers, who are in actuality the kindest, strongest, most patient people I have ever met in my life "Stupid pieces of shit" and "Nasty fucking bitches" and even "Fuckin' worthless." I know they are not really ANY of those things (especially not worthless, because the truth is I could not survive without them), but I also know that they're so close to me in ways I don't feel like anyone should be close to me.

 Yesterday at my day program I went off on my staff...again. I'm always going off on my staff. Because they're so kind. They treat me like a person. They respect me and understand me. They go out of their way to do nice things for me. I hate that. I don't deserve that. I'm a nasty little piece of shit and all I deserve is to be left under a bridge to die somewhere. So I start cursing at them. I tell them they're idiots. I tell them they should burn and die, they're stupid pieces of shit. And they take it like soldiers. They steel themselves like statues and simply pretend not to hear it. And then when it's over and I'm exhausted and in tears, they just go, "Are you okay now?" 

I hate this part of myself who acts like a monster because I just want everyone to hate me as much as I hate myself. I've done horrible things to past friends and lovers. Said horrible things. With them, it worked; I ran them to the ground and they cursed the day I'd ever come into their lives. They hated me...and I liked that. I liked that they hated me because I hate myself as much as they now did. I hate myself. There are times when I curse my own existence, when I feel as if I never should have walked the Earth. And when people treat me with love and kindness, all it ever does is confuse me.

I hate this horrible side of myself. Most of all, I hate that my psych seems to have concluded that it can never be corrected...
