Long life battle with depression. A lot happened to me growing up that made me have suicide attempts and I wanted to be dead by the age of 17.

Things happened and I held on but also things haven’t really improved and I’m miserable. I don’t know how to get into it without making the post really long which I don’t want to. I know people don’t read long posts. 

But I’m exhausted, trust me when I say I’ve been doing everything to keep myself alive and doing things I love but even doing what makes me happy is now making me miserable. I’m tired and I just want this pain to stop. 

I know I can keep going and keep doing the things I love and grow as a person but at the same time I don’t want to. I’m going to die anyway one day and leaving this planet early gives me a sense of calmness. 

In reality, a cuddle a day and someone to talk to about our day would really make this all go away. But I’m too much or not enough for men and I’ve never been in a real, loving and lasting relationship. I give to the wrong people and because im horny a lot I’ve fallen into hookup culture. I’ve only really started having sex this year. Lost my virginity at 20 but didn’t have sex between 21 years and 25 years old. Because I was healing properly after a terrible relationship. 

I’m tired. I don’t see the point. I’m currently travelling alone and I’ve been doing this for years but in the last couple of months I’m feeling more lonely than ever and I’d love to share moments with someone, instead I’m alone. 

I don’t know if anyone understands. I just want to disappear. Please tell me it’s ok for me to go. I’m just in so much pain.