In march I found out that I have BPD and since then I've been thinking back on my life and can see that something was definitely wrong with me. Now every time I do something or feel something I don't know if it's me or the disorder. 

I didn't think I had a fear of abandonment, but after reevaluating my reactions to certain situations it is pretty clear that the way I react to people leaing me is not right. On Saturday nights my parents go out together, but when my mom chooses to go out with my father instead of hang out with me for a few hours I can't handle it. On top of that I'm 18 and should have better things to do than hang out with my mom and that just makes me feel even more pathetic. 

When I get angry, I don't know if it is a justified anger or if it's just part of being borderline. I fly off the handle at the smallest things and I don't know if I actually have a right to be angry or if I'm just being borderline. 

Last year I suddenly didn't like the majority of my friends. And it was very sudden. I just started hating my friends one by one until I had only 3 left that I could tolerate and only one that I actually like. This has to be splitting because none of them actually did anything to justify my dislike of them. 

This is really getting to me. I question my reaction to everything after the fact and a lot of times can't tell if it's a normal reaction or not. What's even worse is that I don't even know what the normal reaction to certain situations would be. I don't know how to correct my reactions because I don't know what reactions I'm supposed to have. I hate this. I feel like I'm stupid because I don't know how to feel properly. 
