This is going to be a long post.

I’m currently a 22M and come from a low-income family, my dad gets paid under the table for working at a shoe store and my mother is a stay at home mom. Despite that, I still lived a pretty normal childhood.. I did get bullied here and there back when I was a little kid but it was nothing crazy.

Flash forward to High School; Things were going great for me. I had a girlfriend, I was playing sports, I had tons of friends I could count on and I was doing okay academically.. Not great but enough to pass and get by.

My living hell all began during my senior year.. Things were getting bad between my girlfriend and I (we went to the same school) and as a result of that I made some terrible decisions.. I cheated on her, talked bad about her in front of other people, took her for granted, started flirting with some of my close friends’ exes and even current girlfriends (yes, that’s how irrational I was), and well, ended up losing every friend I had as well as completely giving up on school and flunking out during my senior year.

Things went downhill from there, I was left alone and only kept a small group of friends to whom I’m just really just a background friend and who all have their lives figured out for themselves academically and socially, while to this day all I’ve ever been doing with my time is playing video games until dawn, staying at home for weeks at a time, eating junk food, missing out on every memorable event imaginable (prom, parties), not meeting any new people and stuck in this inability to form any new passions or have any kind of motivation to learn something new or make something out of myself.

Now I am constantly depressed because I hate myself so much and feel like an absolute loser, I have really bad social anxiety to the point where even going out to accomplish a basic task scares the hell out of me, I’m so worried about my future since not only do I have very poor academic history, but I also have no hobbies nor talents and have no idea where to start.. These thoughts mess me up on a daily basis and all I ever want to do is just die so I can be done with it, but the constant guilt of what I’d leave behind always holds me back.

I tried going back to school but found myself giving up and failing every single time I’ve tried, I tried maintaining a gym routine and diet (I’m severely underweight, 115lbs) but ended up giving up on that as well, I’ve tried numerous times to stay consistent on any possible good habit I could try to form but have always found myself giving in to my impulses and just giving up, it’s like my body just forces me to be useless all the time and it makes me so scared thinking that one day I’ll be on my own in the real word and that I won’t have my parents or just about any support system to help me out, I just don’t fucking know what to do

I’m sorry for this post being so random and incoherent, there’s a lot that goes through my head and I’ve never opened up like this before