I'm having a break down and I know it and I keep thinking about how I'm just a high maintenance inconvenience to everyone around me.  

I had a terrible day at work.  I work in the customer/food service industry and for some reason I came across so many rude people today.  Then I get home and my roommate's are ignoring me and I find out it is because one of them is mad at me and apparently she has been mad for days and I am puzzling over what it is that I could have done to make her mad.  

I cleaned the bathroom and tried to just let the day wash off my back by being productive.  Then I get a text from my partner saying they're thinking about going to a bar with a mutual friend of ours and staying the night and I just emotionally flip.  

Like my partner is so busy and the only reassurance I have is that they come home and we sleep together.  I literally do not get to see them during the day.  I wake up at 5am.  I go to work until 12pm.  I come home.  They're at school.  They don't come home until 11pm.  We sleep.  It's hard but only temporary and I feel like I'm really doing a great job of handling it all things considered.  

And to top it off I feel like this particular mutual friend doesn't like me anymore because all she wants to do is go to bars and I legally can't do that yet and even if I could that really isn't my scene.  Alcohol makes me really sad so I avoid it mostly.  Not to mention they used to date each other so of course my stupid paranoid jealous ass is going to be uncomfortable with the idea of them getting drunk without me and then going to the friend's house for the night.  Like it just sounds bad in my head.  It sounds bad when I write it.  

And the worst part is that they sent this over text and I can't call them and they aren't replying because of work and like they know how much that sets me off so I just like they are completely neglecting my needs.  Like they aren't even trying to understand what it is like for me as a person with BPD.  I show them resources and other things they can read and learn about and they just don't bother.   

I can't even call my partner because they are busy.  They aren't answering and they said they are hurt that they are made to feel guilty for wanting to hang out one on one with someone but I tried to explain why this particular scenario combined with this entire day is why I just want them to come home but of course if they do they will probably just be angry and I will still be anxious and annoying so I really can't even imagine tomorrow.  

