i hate how much of a desire, like a need for wanting to make myself feel like shit just because i feel like i deserve it

i want to stop doing stuff (like using my body for sex and attention, using people as a way to fuel my self esteem and desperate need for feeling wanted) that makes me so miserable and just feel awful after it happens but also knowing i could Literally just stop right at the moment like IT DRIVES ME INSANE HOW IN CONTROL I AM OF WHATEVER IM DOING but i refuse to stop cuz im like Continue anyways.

like today,

i went out with this boy even though im very very not over my ex (i think hes the love of my life he really is but he moved away) had a pretty just boring/bad date with him but still had sex with him and stayed with him for like 5 hours just cuz and i will probably still continue to talk to him and go out with him cuz he likes me a lot and i like the feeling of being wanted 

I really
really hate this