To my ex with BPD

You dumped me a few days ago. I want to say that it was out of nowhere but I felt your coldness growing towards me. It still doesn’t hurt any less though even if I kinda saw it coming. I loved the days when you were yourself. You are so kind, funny, caring and loving on those days. Your smile can light up a room but your darkness engulfed me and everything around you. I was always understanding and supportive. I never tried to hurt you. Ever. I never said an unkind word or raised my voice. When you would lash out at me for no reason I’d simply nod my head, it hurt but I knew it was just your BPD talking. I wanted to help you get better. I was fully committed to doing so.

Because I know at the heart of your illness is fear. You are so terrified of being abandoned that you left me before I could ever leave you. You tested me constantly and I stood strong. Giving you reassurance that I was not going anywhere. When you got back to normal, you thanked me for sticking with you. But you backslid again. You told me when we first started dating that you do test people to see who will stay after you push them away. I heard that. I tried to be that even at my own detriment. 


You try so hard to keep everyone around even if they toxic for you. That is very sad. You get so depressed when even a friend tells you that they can’t hang out and you think everyone is abandoning you all at once and you fall into a terrible mood. You take everything so personally. I know it must be painful for you. I know this is your mother’s fault. You had a terrible childhood. You were also raped at just 12 years old. You told no one except for me.

I want you to understand that every time I took one of your verbal abuses without a word back to you that it’s not that I am weak or don’t respect myself but because I know it’s not me you are really angry at. Deep down you want to be heard, to be seen and you’re scared. You want to feel powerful by cutting me down because you feel powerless in every other aspect of your life. I loved you, I still really do. 

I can’t talk to you right now and you seem just fine with that for the moment. I was very sad that day you ended it with me but I also felt a weight lift off of me because I wouldn’t be walking on eggshells every day and hoping that you’d be Dr. Jekyll and not Mr. Hyde from day to day and Being scared of triggering one of your moods. It takes so little for the dark cloud to roll in. 

I don’t pity you but I do feel sorry for you. I’ve cried not for myself but for you. You are so wonderful when you feel safe. I wish that’s who you could be all the time. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve gone through in life to turn you into this. It’s not your fault. I want you to get help. I wanted to pull you away from the toxicity in your life but you cling to people so hard that you can’t differentiate between toxic and healthy. Everyone needs to stay because you can’t stand to lose anyone even if they offer nothing in return. 

I did what I said I’d never do and that’s abandon you by not replying or reaching out but I can’t do that unless you decide to accept my help and get better and make the active choice to do better even when you backslide. If you want someone to never leave you then you need also put in the work to prevent that. You can try to replace me but we both know it’ll end the same way over and over again. 

I want you to come home, I want to marry you someday. I said I loved you and I meant it. For now I’m at home but I’m not exactly waiting around for you either. I’m working on myself and basking in my inner peace. I am little sad and I miss you but I won’t let it consume me. I hope you get better but for now, this is goodbye, Jay.