I don’t know where to post this, where to begin, I don’t have the energy to look for paper n shit, so here goes. 

I’ve never been happy, I don’t even know the feeling, every year goes by, and I look back seeing that things weren’t as bad as they seemed, that I was okay, but so caught up. I find myself chasing that feeling, a nostalgic, feeling, like hearing a song for the first time, smoking weed the first time, trying to grasp at anything that is anywhere close to what I think may be happiness. In the end, I can never relive the feelings, it leaves me worse off, I try to rebuild my life, every month. Anxiety, bpd, possibly bi polar disorder, fuck only knows what else pulls at my mind, I try to change, be someone different. It works… temporarily. When the feeling of “happiness” wears off, the inevitable, dark, cold place returns, I remain lost, anxious about what went wrong with me this time.


My mom, has issues, haunting her, it kills me not being able to help, or control the hatred building up… being on the receiving end all the time. There’s no point going over everything I’ve been through, because still, even though I know it isn’t my fault, the thoughts remain, in a confused anxious state. I can’t grasp it all, my life… I want to end it at times, but I’m to much of a coward to do so, I left school to dead inside to wake up let alone walk the 8km every morning. Money problems, family drama, my impending doom, I drown it out with cudi n weed, but eventually, this will wear off as well, it won’t be enough. Caring for 3 siblings and housework.. all of it since 8 years old, no support, no one saw the little bit of sadness, even I didn’t. I thought it was normal, along with my dad leaving… my fault right? At least I thought.To anxious to get help, to talk to my own family, to even say I love them, because sometimes, I feel I really don’t, I hope I can save my siblings.. this hell I live, trying to end it, has failed. No one needs to read this, I just needed to write shit down to avoid… well yeah, if anyone sees this, know you aren’t alone at least