I've been doing really well lately, but as we all know, the road to recovery is full of ups and downs. I have trouble with people pleasing, which I have been working on really hard (trying my best to look at my knee-jerk reactions to please), and I asked a dog walking client if they would be able to reschedule meeting me to another time since I am hosting a NYE party tonight at home and I have tons to cook and prepare for my guests. 

It's not ordinary to meet clients, I have keys for ten homes of people I haven't met. I was hired by a company who performed a background check and they are licensed and insured. But this particular person is "overbearing" and "especially needy" and wants to meet me face to face. So trigger #1: this personality type is really difficult for me to handle, so I am really not looking forward to meeting her. My mother is overbearing and needy and this woman has an alarm system on her home that tracks when doors open and close and apparently the walker I replaced would walk the dog 23 minutes instead of 25 and this woman would text him saying, "Excuse me, I paid for 25 minutes." I'm just like....AHHH!!!!

 #2, when I asked to reschedule, my manager gave her my number (with my permission) and I was hoping we could work out a better time other than today since I have so much to do. She texted me and asked me to meet her today...just a bit later. I went into people pleasing mode even though I tried to assert a boundary, because I've already said today wouldn't work, but all you have to do is ask me one more time apparently and all sense of boundaries fly out the window. My response? Sure! :) Now I am kicking myself. I can't be mad at her, it's my own fault for agreeing! So, I've thankfully avoided the notorious "I'm a victim here!" symptom of BPD, I know I shouldn't have agreed to something. Her reason for meeting me today is that "this weekend is too busy with family arriving." I am busy today but free all weekend, but since I am "just" a dog walker, she may not see me as an equal. (Is this just something I am perceiving or projecting?? I THINK SO!!) They live in a million dollar home which is intimidating to me and I live in a shitty apartment because we sold our house and scrambled to find a place to rent before buying again.  I know that meeting her will intimidate me because I perceive her as above me and all of my own judgments for myself fit perfectly into my perception of what she may be thinking but probably isn't!!

Trigger #3 is of course hosting this party and my perfectionism. I want it to be great. Perfect delicious food, enough drinks, candles lit, everything clean and cute, the right vibes, etc. 

All of these things have kind of swirled around in my head since last night where I broke down in tears, and honestly just I felt like a two-year-old about it. 

I guess I am just being really really judgmental and hard on myself. Thanks for letting me vent.

If anyone has any tricks to de-stress when triggers pop up, please share. Thank you! I feel somewhat better already.

I'll have a glass of wine tonight and feel completely different. We all know these moods hardly last.  You guys are great, thanks for reading.