I gave up on finding something that makes me happy or gave me a sense of fulfillment. I resigned to feeling empty and have just been listening to music and drifting. I used to think what I needed was a person but that wasn't the answer. I feel like it's just too late for me to fix my mind and be happy. I am empty and I feel like that will never change. I don't want a career, a house, a family, a partner, I just want to be alone with my emptiness. I'm tired of trying to live a life pretending that I want something out of it. I'm tired of acting completely different every hour. I am just done with trying and yet I've barely tried. Part of me wants to live a fulfilled life but that's just one me amongst a sea of infinite versions of myself. I don't feel anything but the fleeting joy I get from making jokes. I don't feel remorse for what I've done, I don't feel guilt for the things I have done, and I don't feel a sense of responsibility for the things I "need to do" I can be around my family while they cry and plea with me that I start Caring about my life and I want to feel something but I just can't. Sometimes I will but it never lasts an hour. I'm just ready to move on from this life. But I'll act as if nothing is wrong and I'll forget I ever thought these things because I fear what my life would look like if was constantly thinking about them again. I don't want to crave death but I also do. I feel like there are two people inside my head and it bothers me.