My FP broke things off with me a while back. Always maintained she wanted to be friends at least. Was actually scared that I wouldn't. Soon after the break however she blocks all contact with me. I'm shocked because I was really being good in comparison to my past behavior in these situations. I wasn't splitting, no spam calling/texting, no just showing up on her doorstep. I wanted to reform my past bad behavior and respect her wishes. Then I get blocked anyway. No contact. (side note: I'm feeling, why the f did I work so hard to change this past bad behavior if the end result is the same? Honestly sometimes that shit worked, and this didn't. Also it appears outwardly that I'm "handling things better than I have in the past", but that's just to other people. My pain is just more hidden, more internalized, and every fucking bit as deep.)

Weeks go by. I send some emails here and there. Friendly ones. No response. So I'm going crazy. Last night I am up late enough it's early morning on the east coast USA (I'm west) and I can't sleep and I decide impulsively to text her mom who lives there. We've communicated before and have always had a good relationship. I helped FP through a metric ton of stuff as she suffers from severe bipolar depression to the point she's on disability. FPs mom is of course grateful for this, and sometimes I was the only link to her daughter when FP was too bad off to communicate with family.

So I text her, tell her FP has gone no contact, ask if she's heard from her and if she's doing okay. My greatest fear being that FP would sometimes feel like leaving me and everyone else who cares about her so that she could freely take her own life (an impulse I personally understand).

I hear back from FPs mom. She spoke to FP today. It's over. I hear it through her mom as a fucking proxy. And I mean I knew we were broken up but had always assumed we would try to remain friends (and I honestly thought that would be my cross to bear). No its totally over. No friendship. No future contact. It's done. I guess I just bag up her stuff she left at my place and throw it in the garbage when my heart can stand it. FPs mom does say that she's not seeing anyone else or anything. And that she's fine. She just felt like our relationship went on too long and we need to find our own paths. She needs to get her life back on track. As if all this time I've been dragging her down.

So that's it. I'm sick. I tried to respect her decision. But I no longer do. It was more than a bit cowardly on her part that she couldn't tell me herself, I had to hear this through her mom. How can I respect her decision when she has obviously no respect whatsoever for my feelings? She knows given my intense fear of abandonment that this outcome is the absolute worst possible thing for me. It's breaking me. This is a betrayal, and I cannot respect that. She could have handled this in many different ways that would have taken my condition and well being into consideration. She did not. Fuck life. I hate it here.

On a final note, in the time since this unraveling began I keep ruminating on that nietschze quote, "should you stare long into the abyss, the abyss will stare back at you" or however it goes. That's how I feel honestly. I'm just staring into the abyss and at some point I started to feel it meeting my gaze. At least I have a partner there for now.