So in my last post I had said that I had a friend over for 2 days and it helped a little and also mentioned that I would probably go back to feeling lonely and depressed, well I was right later that day that they left I felt really bad talking down to myself for no reason telling myself that my friend would leave me and I’ll be alone once again. 

While I was thinking all this my only remaining parent also popped into my mind and started thinking about her passing away and couldn’t get out of it. This resulted in me starting to have a panic attack. I started pacing around, started hyperventilating, started to cry, and tried to stop it but it just kept happening but was able to get out of it somehow. 

I have really bad anxiety that’s just constantly running my mind but I actually don’t have too many panic attacked so I was freaking out when it happened. 

Why am I like this, why can’t I just stop being so sensitive so needy so desperate for things. My friend had come and it helped but the second he left I feel empty again. It’s not realistic for someone to be there 24/7 because they have their own lives to live and I can’t be smothering them like I did the rest of my former friends that left me because I was too much. How can I stop getting so attached. 

This morning I did feel a little better but still had that need to affection. I’m trying my hardest not to smother my friend with texts so I’ve only sent one as a good morning and am now waiting for a response. But I’ve told my self that I shouldn’t expect them to talk to me all day either so I’m trying my best not to talk to them too much and expect an answer. Why does all this eat me alive.