My depression won't be cured. I won't get better, my life won't improve. I'm not gonna lay it all out because none of you care anyway. Read my post history if you do.



Bottom line is there's no hope for me and I'm really giving up. I don't care. I don't take care of myself, I wear the same clothes for like a week including socks and underwear, don't shower, don't brush my teeth, etc. I either don't eat for days or shove 3000 calories in my face in minutes. I don't care about consequences. I've been slacking off at work, showing up late, not doing what I'm expected to, basically waiting to get fired. I already got written up.




I just do not care. If I wanna drink I drink, if I wanna smoke weed I smoke weed, if I wanna blow my money on stupid shit I do it. If I wanna stay up all night and oversleep for work I do it. If I wanna cut or burn myself I do it. Sure as hell not doing anything productive. Why would I if I'm gonna be dead soon?




Don't tell me to try harder. Shut the fuck up with that anyone who's ever said that (a lot of you). Take into account that literally me entire life has been shit and I've wanted to die for 7 years. I've been getting intense professional treatment for 5 years now consistently and guess what? Nothing has helped.



So I don't give a shit, I've used up all my energy to fight and I already lost the war. 5 years of trying is more than enough. Don't tell me it isn't, I don't care. 5 months of this would've been too much. Don't say push on a little longer like 5 years isn't an eternity when the only place you wanna be is a grave.



So tonight I got some more cheap liquor, gonna drink it until I can't stand and then probably fall asleep on the couch and sleep til 2pm. Wake up, get high, lay around and do nothing all day, maybe kill myself. I'm really at the point where I could just do it at any day. The noose is hung and the ladder is there. Literally all I have to do is step up and do it. *Any* second the misery could be over permanently.




And don't say I'm wrong that that's the only 100% guaranteed way to end the pain. Whether you like it or not I'm right. Everything else is a gamble and I've been playing the games since snapchat and Twitter were some new fad.



So this is it, I'm living out my last little bit of time however I feel like and then killing myself whenever I finally get the nerve. The alcohol helps with that. When (not if) I kill myself ill probably be drunk when I do it. Just how it is I guess.



Thanks for reading if you did. This is my full breakdown in writing. I'm sure it's a blast to read, I hope I made you feel better about yourself in comparison.