I have had severe episodes where I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t drive, entered deep psychosis. Even though I’m much more stable now, the idea of having to show up for life everyday feels almost insurmountable to me and I feel like I have PTSD from my past episodes. I got denied disability, now I’m working 6 days a week and I’m trying to get in the rhythm of things. 

I’m tapering a medication (Zyprexa, don’t ever take it if you don’t have to) which gives me nightly sleep disturbance. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop if the sleep disruption intensifies and I go into another episode. I have sonata or extra Zyprexa if I really need it but I hate relying on something like that and it messes with my taper even more. 

I’m holding down my jobs, but the thought of making plans with friends or dating adds a whole other level of anxiety to the mix and I don’t feel like this is a good mindset as it impacts my quality of life even more. I don’t want my life to just be work, sleep, resting and worrying about if I’ll be able to make it to work the next day. I only work 15-25 hours a week so I do have some time for socializing even though I’m tired and overwhelmed most of the time. Can anyone relate and have a way of working through these kinds of fears and feelings?