I’m a 23f diagnosed with BPD and ADHD. I’ve had a long run of drug use, toxic relationships and impulsive behaviour. I’ve  had a lot of therapy and really taken it on myself to sort it out so that I can live a normal life, not hurt the people around me and have better relationships. 

I’ve found a really good man who I love so much and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. He volunteers, goes to the gym, plays football with his family in a club. His family is so normal it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like a black sheep and I cant relate to people who wake up and go out for coffee dates at 7am or doing dance classes or going to the gym everyday. I feel like a phoney when I do those things. It just doesn’t feel like it’s in alignment with myself. I guess I’m still figuring that out. 

I just don’t know if I even want to be a “normal” person if that makes sense. Maybe it’s societal pressure? Maybe I need to find a way to enjoy it because clearly years of partying and hanging out with horrible people did nothing good for me either. 

I desperately want to enjoy the small things but it’s so fucking boring. When I was untreated  I’ve never been able to hold a job down yet I finally have committed to a job for a while now with some really lovely coworkers but I still have this haunting sense of dread and I really want to sabotage myself and just party again. Even though I know that will be so bad for my mental health, finances and my relationship. 

I’d say I’ve healed enough to be  self aware. At least enough to know I’m not going to do anything stupid like that as Ive learn to live more in alignment with my morals. I just can’t help my thoughts and urges still. Maybe more therapy will help? Does that feeling ever really go away? Is this even a thing for people with BPD or is it just me?

 I guess I just wanted to see if anyone that’s recovered thinks life is boring in some ways. Or if they feel disconnected from who they were during the peak of their BPD. I just feel like this self healing journey is making me depressed and I’m not sure if I’d rather feel that or the roller coaster I’ve been on my whole life. 

I reminisce and romanticise the past so much it makes me feel so sad. I long for that girl I used to be even though my life was in shambles. I feel like I had substance and my life just feels bleak now. Maybe the chaos is comfortable for me. 

Any guidance or hope would be appreciated. ♥️

Tdlr. Feel like Recovery is boring