I used to always get told how lovely I was. How generous I was. How I was too kind for my own good. I always put everyone else before myself. I was terrified of hurting people. I would do anything to stop people leaving me.

Some of that is still true. I still fear abandonment more than anything but it’s making me spilt on people all the time. People tell me I’m ‘horrible’, ‘terrifying’ etc and I just don’t know how to stop that. The other day I was told I should go back on my medication because I was more bearable then (for them at least. It made me delusional, I stopped sleeping, thought I was invincible. It was terrifying) 

I feel angry at people who I’ve never even met before. They only have to do so much as look at me before I’m filled with rage. 

Other people may think I’m scary because I’m unpredictable or that I’m horrible because I don’t know how to control my emotions but they don’t seem to see how painful it is for me. 

I’m going through something pretty rough with a family member rn. I’m playing family therapist for other members of my family because they’re struggling and I’m the only one they can talk too. 

Tw for mentions of child SA.
I’ve just found out my old fp has been sentenced and jailed for SA children. I was a child at the time he was my fp. And I hate myself for it.

So whilst people don’t like the way my pd is presenting itself atm they can’t see how hard I’m trying. I’m in intensive therapy and putting my all into it. I’m not on meds and my life is slowly falling apart but I’m still trying. I’m trying to become a better person I really am. Being told I’m horrible won’t help that :(