Hello, I'm feeling really numb and I'm scared what will happen in my head the next days.  
To my story, I moved in with my boyfriend in march, my old apartment was awful and I really wanted to move out. I searched for an apartment just for me (In his city, I originally came from the next next town but it's all pretty close), but because I didn't have my apprenticeship a couple month ago I was just getting welfare from my country and no one wanted to rent out to me.

 I now have one as a salesperson in a hardware store , it takes 2 years and it's starting in August.  
Anyway, last evening I asked my bf if something was wrong with him, cause I noticed (again) that he was distancing himself from me the last couple days.

Honestly I notice this pattern of his right away, like he swallows down any anger towards me without talking and then punishes me with withdrawal of affection, not in your face but passive-aggressive, without telling me why or even admitting that he's different. It usually ends with an aggressive explosion of emotions from my side, after a while of his rejection and alienating from me. 

A couple weeks ago he even admitted that he behaves this way after a fight were I asked him if he thinks it's fair how he treats me, even though he had this small enlightenment it's just the same as before.

Yesterday while laying in bed ready to sleep I asked him if everything was alright, and that started the conversation (not a fight! But that just made it worse) in which he told me he kind of thinks it would be better to be friends.

Just for information, we were distant friends over other people and Parties since 2006 , really met each other since October 2019 and got together last year in February, it was honestly just planned as a short-term solution to live here.

But hey it seems I'm so fucking awful to live with, we had our differences in typical household stuff but right now I'm yet unemployed and he's working 40h/week , always said I don't mind to do more house cleaning stuff but he's doing like 3% and also won't really cook ('can't do it/ just lazy).

I didn't expect this statement of his to our relationship, I thought we just move out and still be together, like how it was planned last year.  
Especially since my bf never lived alone, the last 5 years he had a roommate, which stole from him so he left in December.

I don't even know what to write anymore or if I have written too much but thanks that I could write it off my heart. I'm still scared how my brain will react, like the silence before a storm. 

But the worst thing was that I started crying and went out his bed, more like our bedroom to go into my room and he didn't even tried to talk with me after it, just smoked his bedjoint and turned Netflix on.

  
I was really shocked to notice this and the lighthearted sitcom through the door, like right after this mind-shattering kind of breaking up talk. Wtf, I was so numb and just stumbled outside, after a while I talked with one of my best friends over the phone (I'm so glad she picked up, it was like 23:30 ) and she was also super shocked, and when I came back he was sleeping like a fucking baby.

 What.the.fuck. yeah of course I couldn't sleep, still awake, treating my empty body with substances and can't really believe what happened.

  
And in view of my past and nature I'm scared of what will come.  
I'm once again in a horrible situation in a foreign city, during fucking covid, where I don't really know many people and my apprenticeship starts August, which is still a couple month away.  
And now it's like over for him.  
What the fuck is happening to me AGAIN, like I gave everything, every last nerve of myself to this relationship, to get treated like a fucking doormat when he casually stops loving me again cause of I don't know, just because he feels like it but doesn't have the spine to tell me anything, just provokes me until I loose my mind. 

I wish I wasn't here. I wish my grandma and my uncle were still alive. I wish everything in my life could be different. I wish I could bring people happiness. I wish I could someone else. I wish someone really loved me for who I am. I wish I wouldn't be treated as a doormat from someone I love, again and again and again. 

I wish I could stop the avalanche of feeling fucked, which he started yesterday, but it's really just a natural catastrophe waiting to destroy me.

Thankfully right now I'm still dead inside and everything's numb, but I know the time comes were everything will hurt, were every piece of flesh will scream in my head to finally do something against this inner pain. To fight pain with more pain, with a better pain than the pain inside. And I can't even come up with any objections to it when the wave of desperation's crushing over me. 

I'm feeling like a cast away, stranded again on the remains of my broken hopes.