So lately I've been abusing some of my medication for pain and quit another that treated my bipolar disorder because it would give me horrible nerve pain to the point I couldn't get out of bed.

So it's been day 2 of my abuse, and something happens to an internet celebrity who I used to watch daily years ago. What this person did isn't bad, but who this person was drew up criticisms in my mind because of his previous behaviors. The previous behaviors he did that weren't wrong but kind of bad in a sense that you revel in. So my initial response was to attack him, trolling basically.

I made 2 posts on social media, but I knew that I could make a better one attacking more deeply. By attacking, I felt I was helping thicken his skin for similar attacks, but also just to be hateful. So while writing the detailed post, I slowly began to switch narratives from hateful to helpful, writing advice down for this person. I posted it, but after not receiving any attention deleted it.

The final thing I wrote was a letter to this person. The beginning of the letter details similarities between our places of birth, and how he took a disgusting ideology from our commonplace and spread it over the internet. 

Then I moved on to mocking his fanbase, because of the extremism he attracted, then to describing the note. I became nicer here saying how people 'loved him' and how I plotted earlier. And finally I busted out crying, writing some inspirational gibberish like "just apologize  for the hate and they'll accept you" and stuff like that.

Then I recalled me watching him in my youth. After this, I got in contact with someone who could contact him while still breaking down before harassing him for 2 hours before regaining stability, rereading the letter which shifted emotions each paragraph. I apologized to the guy.

I'm really scared. I became obsessed for an entire day over this small controversy which didn't even directly affect me. It makes me paranoid that someone has what I wrote and that this person might know of me. And I feel like writing another one while stable to help but I'm scared I might breakdown again. I think I'm obsessed.