I'm totally hosed. Worn out. I'm so sick of this ongoing dialogue in my head.

I can't just have a social interaction and leave it at that. I have to think about every single comment and action and how it reflected upon the other and how it reflects upon me. I have to think about every single way in which my actions are being interpreted. A simple nod. A furtive glance. A case of not holding eye contact for long enough, or too long. I have to oscillate between extremes of emotion: loving and hating another, being enamoured and annoyed, excited and heartbroken. The simplest comment is taken as an absolute debasement of my character. And so on.

It's so bloody exhausting. I wish I could silence it.  I become so tired from social interactions because I can't  let loose. It's like every social encounter takes every last ounce of my mental energy. But I just want to be in the moment and enjoy another's company. 

The only way I can let loose is through alcohol and substances, but I've been sober for 3 months. So I now have no way of being on the same plane as those around me. No way of entering their world.

This voice inside me is so tireless. So rude. It sees my weaknesses and exposes them.

There's no wonder I just collapse on the bed after a day at work. Can't handle talking to anyone. Because the entire day has been spent self-sabotaging. And that's exhausting.

Anyway, that's just my rant for today.