Ok so let's start of with that I haven't been diagnosed with BPD and I have always discarded therapeutic help due to anxieties and thinking I'm making it all up lol. Anyway I'm not seeking a diagnosis but everyone I know with BPD seems to understand my issues a lot more than others and I feel quite safe talking with you guys. 

I just want to ramble as I'm feeling quite distressed right now. I mean I'm okay but I'm feeling quite panicky and blurry. I can't shake that no one wants to be around me and all are fucking with me behind my back and they all have some weird disposition against me even though I know it's irrational but fuck me, I can't shake this shit. My brain is telling me to cut them out and get rid of them before I even get remotely attached although through past experience I know this isn't actually happening but then it could be, and it's happened in the past but probably not this time. But what if it is? I just can't process much right now because everything is whirring in my head and I feel sick with anxiety. I want to scream and hurt myself and smack my head into a wall to be honest. But I won't do that shit I'm holding myself off from it but it's so hard to refrain from. 

It subsided for a while but I'm starting to find myself in a dissassociative state again which feels everlasting and it's absolutely terrifying because I've lost so many years to this in the past. I don't want it to happen again. But I feel it. I can't stop feeling absolute pure disgust about myself and the whole abundance of feelings right now is making me try and regain control in other ways by restricting my eating and being quite obsessive about that again and I do not need that I've been doing so well lately possibly the best I have in my entire life and now it feels like it's gonna crash again. And I'm scared for it. My desire to go and spend all my fucking money or drink myself to oblivion is getting stronger and I do not need this as I'm trying to be a responsible adult but fuck the emotions are so intense right now and all I can hear is my stupid brain telling me nasty stuff and I'm just tempted to disappear into wherever and run away from everything but I've already done that numerous times and it solves nothing. 

I can tell it's gonna get bad again because I can already feel the undying urge to scream and send the close ones around me long as fuck messages rambling about how much I despise myself and just wanna do stupid shit and just I feel like I'm losing control of my mind again and I'm not ok with that I was so semi stable. I've never been like that. So I should expect this crash but it doesn't make it any less daunting. And it fucking hurts because I know how irrational and stupid all of this is and everything I am being, thinking and doing is but I can't stop it, it's just so intense. My brain feels like a tanoid shouting all sorts of instructions that are blurring together but all of them are my voice and I just can't quite think straight. But I'm at such an important time in my life right now and I don't have time to feel like this I just wanna get on with it. I can't shake the urge to cut everyone out of my life and be alone again but I've been doing that for years and it just doesn't work. Nothing works. I'm at such a loss with feeling like this it's boring and I just wanna think like a normal person not like a frightened tortured person. But I don't even know what I'm saying any more or even if this makes sense. I just needed to get this out to someone that isn't someone I know because I'm sure they're all sick of listening to me now I don't wanna make them hate me or feel like they do any more. 

Please don't suggest any therapy because I simply can't access it right now and last time I even tried they put me on a fucking online CBT cause which was honestly the most ridiculous thing I have ever experienced. No one takes me seriously. It's so difficult to explain the intensity of my mind and it just doesn't seem to be the same as most people I know. I don't know what I'm seeking from this just needed to get it out of me. Thanks for listening