 

Okay  before writing this I'd like to tell you that everything I will tell  here is totally true except some details I modified to not be doxed. If  you don't trust me don't mention it just go away. I excuse myself  because I don't speak english very well and because I don't really know  reddit, just what people says about it but I've never gone here before. I  am sorry if I don't post on the right subreddit, I'll probably flood.

My  name is Pierre, I am a french boy. I am 15. I am very good at school  with like 17/20 at every test, I have a girlfriend even she's ugly and I  don't love her. I like programming, cybersec, philosophy, my PC.  Following tests made IRL I do have moren than 149 IQ points, following  internet tests and my own opinion I am an INTJ and I could be sadic and  with antisocial troubles even if no one thinks it, evryone thinks I am  just a kind of Einstein. If you see me IRL you'll just say "This guy is  super intelligent and very introverted, maybe strange"

IRL  I do not really have friends, I've tryed before but they communicate as  if communicating was the very purpose of their communication.

In  fact, I don't really care about them and at best I ignore them, at  worst they bother me. I point out that it is exactly the same for all  members of my family. I use the internet a lot, especially the discords  and 4chan. Even if it makes me laugh sometimes I find there also  uninteresting people. Well, that was my little presentation: what I am,  how I function socially.

The problem is that for about 4 weeks I have been crying every night at home for about an hour 20 to an hour 40 before sleeping.

I  believe I have identified the cause of this shit: I believe that I feel  alone. When I cry, I wonder why I am so different, why no one seems to  suit me. I tried to sleep with my girlfriend in my arms but I wanted to  physically hurt her (I already have sadistic behaviors during sex with  her, she accepts it completely). For these few weeks, my sadistic  impulses have intensified, I have developed a paranoia that comes  periodically, I have become completely obsessed with cleanliness, I feel  both empty and angry, I have done 3 episodes sleep paralysis.

I'm  absolutely terrified, I tried to smoke weed to calm me down but it  didn't do ANYTHING for me, usually in a situation of intense stress I do  math and it ends up happening but there during the crisis c is  absolutely impossible, I can't think.

This morning I heard a vox screaming in pain in my head, it passed quickly.

I  am absolutely terrified, I do not know what is happening to me I am  going to go crazy my state is getting worse and worse every day. With  COVID 19, I will have to stay at home (I live in France) and I know that  I will really become crazy without school to keep my mind occupied.

I'm absolutely terrified, I don't know what's happening to me, I beg you HELP ME.