My mum killed herself 3 years ago and my 4 year relationship broke down 2 weeks before she died. This happened just before lockdown so I spent the next year alone and having nothing else to think about. Now anytime I have a new relationship it takes over my whole world because it’s such an great distraction but once it goes wrong it’s as if I’m losing someone all over again. I think I’ve got relationships confused with the loss of actually losing someone. I struggle with drug addiction and alcoholism as well as bulimia and can’t do it anymore. I got help from my doctor and therapists but nothing seems to help or when it does it only lasts for so long. I am only happy when I’m with friends and ignoring the pain so they think I’m okay, and I don’t want my family to worry so I pretend I’m good or just in a bad mood to keep them out of it. I could never do to them what my mum did to me so I feel like I’m held hostage by life where I can’t end it because I don’t want to cause them the pain that my mum caused me. I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I keep seeing the only way out of this is having a real relationship to distract me and enjoy the next part of life with but I know I’m not well enough to ever be a good partner. I’m just on the edge of losing it right now and don’t know what to do and just wondered if anyone has advice or is experiencing something like this