So I got diagnosed last year, I have kind of accepted the diagnosis but now I just feel like a toxic person for my past actions but I do understand why I did it more than before it even if the reasoning wasn't the best call. The person who diagnosed me with BPD also for context he said I could possibly get on a disability pension &amp; told me to exercise, change my diet and take vitamins (lithium and just normal multivitamins) but no suggestion to go on medication. But when he wrote notes to the Drs saying that I should be taking the vitamins, so when I went to the Drs, about the disability she said he didn't write anything down about it because I was "intelligent" (because I graduated school I had a score of 25 or under out of 100 for my final grade) so I don't need to be on one. She also said because you're not taking lithium supplements because your a danger to people/myself. LIKE YOU FUCKING WOT MATE ALL BECAUSE IM NOT TAKING VITAMINS...

I'm on benefits from the government because I cant hold down a job, it really hasn't got much better. I absolutely hated work and I did 2 types of jobs. one being in the kitchen cooking and was forced to take orders on first day after I said I don't like people I was so beyond stressed and anxious (almost cried multiple times in the shift) the whole shift, I didn't have dinner that night and got angry and had attitude when I came home. I went back in a few weeks later to try and see if I was just having a bad day that day I worked before, Well this time I got there and was expected to remember so many things from a few weeks ago. When I say stressed was an understatement for that shift, I cracked under pressure I was shaking because I was so beyond mad that I was expected to know so much about the previous shift. I also didn't have dinner that night, cried a few times on that shift but i had to hide it because I didn't want to be seen as weak.

So the second job was in a supermarket (I worked there for a month or so with random shifts), so first shift was stocking shelves each Tuesday they got in new stock that they needed. The 2IC showed me briefly how to stack shelves, I was taking my time because I haven't done this before and I didn't want to drop a glass on the floor or break something while restocking. 20mins later she comes back and is like I expect you to be this fast and shows how she does it, in that moment I'm pissed because you just cant expect me to be that quick on the first shift. I try and do it her way and be fast and the more I try the longer it takes because I drop something or I mess up a stack of something. Then I came in again a few weeks later, doing the same job but at that time school holidays had started so all the juniors were on and I felt so out of place there because I was new to this small town. Didn't really try making friends at work, then it was suggested that I do some shifts in checkouts where I would be more likely to get more shifts, so obviously tried it they had two buzzer things one which didn't work and another mind you the 2IC showed me which buzzer to press (worked at that time it was used). Let me tell you faking a smile and acting like I'm perfectly fine all day took a huge toll on my mental health and customers changing their tone slightly made me feel like absolute shit. With shifts I wasn't given a proper roster so I was told a starting time and then the 2IC got to choose when I would go home, so a few shifts I wasn't able to have a break because she didn't tell me what time I finished and there was an hour left on my shift so I wasn't allowed to take a break, which was also not a good thing to do but I dealt with it. Then I had a busy line of customers and because this shop was small I had to handle alcohol as well, so someone asked for a chilled 24 pack of beer which was out the back, me being stressed as fuck pressed the buzzer (me thinking it worked, but it didn't was so fucking mad that no one was coming to help and I couldn't understand why they weren't coming to help me) So I had to continue serving all the customers which had a bunch of stuff until I could go and get this persons beer from the back, so I felt guilty because I was making this person wait until I was done before they could leave y'know? so by the time that was done I went and got the beer and apologized many times for the wait, shortly after I was allowed on my lunch break so I left the workplace and cried and really didn't want to go back for the rest of the shift, however I had no choice and was forced to go back I told the 2IC about the buzzer and how no one came and she said I noticed that, then proceeded to try the buzzer and figured out it doesn't work. Meanwhile I'm thinking to myself, you're legit the second person in charge but you don't know that that buzzer isn't working and I had to suffer and stress the fuck out over a simple thing that could have been avoided you have to be shitting me right. The amount of times I cried at work and had to quickly act like I was fine, not long after that situation I left and moved town because I wasn't dealing with that. Gave them one day warning which isn't very professional but at that point it had to be done. (Probably more that happened but I cant remember at this point)