I think today was one of the worst episodes in a while. I don’t like the feeling of getting triggered and acting on impulse to be this mean person. 
I said not so nice things via text today to an ex. I think it’s the not being able to just let go of the hurt from y’all past and now here he is trying to belittle you again for me. But I don’t like being that way and the feelings of betrayal .. Trying to get a one up on me is just going to make me act explosively. 
BUT, I’m pretty good at controlling it with any and everybody. However with a past romantic partner specifically where you feel like you need to
seize this opportunity to hurt them (back), it’s just
something I don’t want to go through. It’s unnecessary. Yet I don’t know why I did so
today ... And the way I felt today, I never want
to feel that way again .. 
What I concluded is I need to work on why I’m
not accepting the reality of things and I don’t need to stoop to other peoples levels. I need to let men from my past just go 100% and out of my life. Because of
their toxic traits, I’m picking up on them and that doesn’t sit well with me. Also going to look into therapy and just rid myself of this awful mind state and to do better than I ever have ..