He's gone. I recently learned what BPD was after someone on another sub pointed out that my partner may have had it after asking for advice. So what did I do. I looked up what BPD was and it just opened up a Pandora's box of endless questions and what ifs. Learning about BPD flipped my world upside down. I knew my boyfriend was mentally ill (clinically depressed), but there was so much more and I never knew what it was, the extreme emotions/mood swings, deep insecurity, unstable relationships, self harm, fear of abandonment, feeling of emptiness, ect. Reading about BPD felt like reading a description to a t of what it is my partner was truly struggling with. 

Just days before the discard, I brought it up to him. He actually agreed with me that he felt all of those things and said he questioned himself in the past whether he had BPD but never brought it up with a therapist. Reading about BPD relationships made me see the course of our relationship. Idealization-Devalue-Discard. Yup that's exactly what happened. The beginning was love bomb express, but he told me he meant all of it. Called me his soul mate, his dream girl, perfect, beautiful, spoke of the future with me after never even meeting me in person. (We met online) Things were everything I could have dreamed of in the beginning. 

After a while is when I started to see the insecurity come out. Where was I? Was I with other guys? Was I tired of him? "You could do so much better :( You're going to meet another guy who is way better than me and every way and realize you could do way better."

Now towards the end. He became much more cold towards me. Easily irritated. Somewhat emotionally abusive whether he was aware or not. Controlling. Much more sensitive. Cried to things I didn't think were that serious, but to him they clearly impacted him significantly. Started blaming me for things that I could no control over like his depression and his new found alcohol problem. One day we must have had some argument where he said I made him depressed. It hurt me. It stuck with me. The next day I told that we shouldn't be together if I made him that unhappy. He immediately was saying "Are you giving up me? I need you :(" He said that he didn't mean that I made him depressed, but I did make him sad and he still wanted to be with me. 

We were long distance for context. The last few visits is where it started to get bad. He was getting upset with me at things that I felt he hadn't properly communicated and there was no way of knowing how he had felt. I had no clue they bothered him so much. We almost broke up at one point because he told me he wasn't happy with me anymore but still wanted to be with me. We stuck it out for a bit more. Our final visit one night, we were having an amazing time, laughing, cuddling, our relationship had progressed in the sense that we were even more closer and comfortable than we had ever been before. All of a sudden his mood changes completely changes. He looks sad. I have to plead with him to tell me what's wrong. He turns to me and says that he is scared because he's not sure "I'm the one" and we was scared this would be the last time he saw me. My reaction? I'm baffled. We were just smiling and laughing where did this come from? 

Didn't break up, but had an emotional goodbye, not wanting to let go, tight hugging, kiss after kiss, and he said he really missed me and started crying as soon as he drove away from the airport. 

Weeks go by but still together, found out he drunk texted another girl. Girl told me. The night he did it we facetimed, were laughing happily and planning my next visit. Confronted him. Started bawling and he seemed sorry. Decided to give him a second chance. Both wanted to get into therapy. A few weeks go by. We were clashing a bit. I ended up making him screenshare with him, found something else pretty not good on his phone that he forgot to tell me about since "it didn't amount to anything." Lashed out at me for interrogating him and almost ended it with me for good there. Whenever I brought up what hurt me, or what he had done he immediately was reverting everything onto me and was not taking true accountability. I decide to stick it out for at least some therapy and see if he got better. So I no longer bring up what happened and just try and be nice. Things are going great, almost like nothing happened. We bought tickets for my next visit and were planning all the things we were going to do. He was acting really sweet again.

One day he texts me "I hope you have a good day. I'm always thinking of you." I say "You too." He wonders what's wrong and I basically tell him that I'm still hurting over what happened and that I'm always thinking of you doesn't really mean anything anymore. I felt super betrayed because never in a million years I would have imagined he would have done what he had done, especially since he always accused me of cheating and said he would leave me if I cheated on him. He ended up lashing out saying how I was ruining his efforts, was being hurtful, how I've caused him that same pain throughout the whole relationship. Doesn't speak to me the entire day after that pretty much. Next morning I wake up to a text saying that although he wants to believe in me and have me in his life but he can't because I'm bad for him. Blocks me everywhere, including my number, this was on Saturday. This was the discard.  My flight is TODAY!! AS IN THE 29TH!!  and he discarded me even though we were planning on it days before.

I am at an absolute loss as to what to do. I understand that he was never professionally diagnosed with BPD but I truly feel in my heart this is what he was struggling with all along. I am still madly and deeply in love with him. Had I known this is what he most likely struggling with, I would have done everything in my power to educate myself and help him in the most appropriate way I could. I have absolutely no clue what he is thinking or feeling. I know for a fact he is trying to erase me completely, because at one point when we thought it was over over he said he was going to throw all my gifts away and delete all of my pictures. Am I painted black forever? Do I mean nothing to him anymore? Am I just another "mean ex". I can imagine he's already talking to others.

I also learned about splitting and now recognized how  after many months ago it played a role in our relationship. We got into some kind of argument and he word for word described splitting without us both knowing what it is was. He kept telling me I didn't care about him or love him. And I was like "But what about all the things I've done for you and continue to do for you everyday?. He responds with "When you hurt me, I can't think of the good anymore, I can only think of the bad."

I really need advice. The reason I'm SO stuck on this is because I feel like had we both known more about what he was struggling with and what kind of help he needed, MAYBE we could have made this work. My love for him is still strong and endless after everything we've been through these past two years. I wanted to start a life with him and we were getting so close to it. He would have finally been able to move in with me within the next year. There was not a day that went by that I stopped loving him or stopped choosing him. What should I do? Do you think after some time, maybe like a year, I should try a reach out to him via letter to see how he is doing? because I truly do want to know. Or should I just move on with my life and not hold on to any hope we could ever be together again. Sorry if this isn't an ideal post for this community. But aside from all the stigma behind this order, I've learned you guys aren't all the same, and aren't evil, and I want to believe that about my ex. I don't want to believe that this relationship ultimately amounted to nothing and was apart of an endless cycle. I want to believe that love is real and that he really did feel it too, and that I meant something. I just want to be with my love again, but I don't think its possible and I'm at a loss at what to do :'( All I'm replaying in my head is all the joy, love, and happiness we spent in each others presence. I'm going to go cry now.