English is not my first language, so I apologize if this gets confusing to understand. I am also not able to collect my thoughts right now because I am very upset at the moment, so feel free to ask any questions if something doesn't make sense. I am just looking for some helpful advice.


I (20s F) got diagnosed with BPD about 5 years ago, and one of my closest friends (let's call them J - 20s M) who currently lives in another country, got diagnosed with it this year. J has always been there for me the best they could, put in a lot of effort to understand BPD when I got diagnosed, and is overall a pretty great friend. 


J has very rigid beliefs regarding certain things, whereas mine change according to what I'm feeling at that moment. For instance, J will believe that a person doing xyz for J means that they care about J, whereas if the person does abc for J, it means that they don't care about J. For me, a person doing xyz or abc can translate into them caring about me, depending on what the situation is. 


I love J with all my heart, but it gets very exhausting being their friend because of these rigid beliefs and inflexible expectations. If they send me a text that requires a thoughtful response and I am unable to reply to them within a day or two, they start believing that I don't value their friendship and take them for granted. I have clarified numerous times that I cannot always be available to respond to them. I even tried saying something along the lines of "I'm busy right now, I will reply when I am free", but that usually ends up with J thinking that I am prioritizing other things over them and me saying that means I am too busy for them. 


Things like these happen all the time, to the point where I am at a loss for how I can make them understand that I really do care about them. They get very upset over certain things that I do despite me explaining why it happened, and they keep bringing up things from the past even if I haven't done it since then. They have done things like blocked me from social media, called me manipulative, and a lot of hurtful things but I have always convinced myself that it's just their way of dealing with their pain. When I do something like that, they don't cut me any slack and keep mentioning what I did for months to come. How my BPD symptoms are expressed is very different than theirs, and although I always try to understand why they're saying or doing something and never hold it against them, they always hold it against me. 


They recently told me that I am their FP, and everything made sense in terms of why my actions and words affect them so much. However, I have BPD too and I cannot always cater to their feelings and have the patience to help them feel better when I don't feel okay myself.


I just want us to stop arguing and go back to being good friends. I am not sure how to do that anymore.