I hate this. I have gotten over a lot of my anxiety over the years. A lot of it. If you had seen me even 5 years ago I would have been a different story, even 2 years ago. 

I am pretty sure I am getting a Kidney Infection (from a UTI - it’s common). I’m usually spot on about these things. Not only did my mom not take my sister and I in for a lot of things growing up - so we got good at figuring out what we had by asking our Grandfather and researching before going into the cheapest medical facility possible to get the solution.

But my mom really fucked with my medical facility anxiety. I hate going to hospitals with a passion. She would be over dramatic and attention seeking and i would want to disappear into the corner and not be seen. It’s also mixed with male anxiety of having a male prod at me and I can’t do anything. I can’t escape. 

Another thing that made it worse was last October when I reported my rape the two police officers kept throwing around words like “ambiguous” “unclear” “unfortunate series of events”. And I have self harm scars and just - it was goddamn hard. 

I’m fucking scared. God - it’s so stupid, this anxiety. But I have to do it. My back is killing me, I don’t feel good, I’m disassociating because I’m sick and stressed and a ball of anxiety. I’m gonna go in and have them run tests but any words of encouragement could really help right now. No one understands, I figured someone here might. 
