ok so shit has been crazy. this is gonna be long and annoying and vent-y, my apologies in advance. 
so i’ve had an odd upbringing. helicopter mom with best intentions,  dad who was never home because of work. we were poor, i grew up fast. went through sexual abuse from ages of 5??(not sure exactly when started) to the age 11. that’s when my abuser died, along with the woman he was married to, my grandmother.  then my mom went into a spiraling depression. she never showed any sadness or grief to me. there are so many little and weird details !! i was a super anxious kid and i was jumpy as fuck and kinda dorky know it all type.  i started with eating disordered behaviors from around 6yrs old. it gradually escalated. i started to be medicated at 8 years old. that went on and then i started using substances and stuff close to the age of 12, that was around the first time i was hospitalized for the eating disorder. spent a month and a half there to get medically stable then got transferred to an eating disorder residential. got kicked out for doing stupid shit. sooo basically all was wild, in and out of hospitals, *almost* got put in state custody (thank something divine i wasn’t !) , i’m picking back up at age 14. so i got sexually assaulted , got set up with that person by someone i knew and trusted. whole situation was shit. other *r*pe and assault-y* situations had happened after the abuse from when i was younger but this hurt in a special way. i thought i knew the people around me but i didn’t. it’s was/is scary. i attempted to drop off the face of the earth. i later went into a behavioral/trauma/addiction rehab center. then  i dropped out, got a ged. went to college farther away, left after attempting 2 semesters. (i kept being a fucking idiot and getting myself into shit, then I had an overdose and left permanently)  came back and attempted school where i live. was really difficult being in my home city and being soo paranoid. most of this time i was i was between periods of militant sobriety or completely binging on substances and any vice i had available. i would also be generally risky like hitchhiking, leaving the city and my house without letting anyone know. i just kept self sabotaging and trying to pick up the pieces then doing it all over again. now thing are better but also worse. just in different ways. basically,,, all that backstory to say. i am so painfully paranoid. my existence is painful, i don’t know how to express it healthily and let people know “hey i’ve got some stuff going on and that will affect the way i interact with you and exist in the world.”  genuinely so many people don’t think about others circumstances. i feel like the things i’ve been through and seen have given me empathy but sometimes it flips around. im scared , i know that people are talking behind my back. i’m one of those astrology/metaphysics people,,, soo much is pointing to stuff happening behind my back. i’m petrified of just *being*. and then i keep having the terrible realization that nobody knows anything. that’s also part of my upbringing that i struggle with, that the only being you can fully (sometimes not fully) being you can know is yourself. i long for connection but it is so scary. ... fuck there so much shit to think about... it’s all a shit show thanks for reading if u did.