I know myself very well, eventually i come to lashing out at people i care about one way or another. Perhaps my expectations are too high with a mixture i am moody as fuck, i say horrible and cruel things when i am angry and lash out whn i feel i have been wronged!Since i feel emotions so intensely i can be ruthless when i get mad. im a hypocrite too,, which in results relationships ending, hurt feelings, guilt, and shame, and regret on my end. I lost a childhood friend a few months ago (though i dont think i was 100 percent in the wrong) because of this and i am still very hurt and so regretful, i miss her dearly but there is nothing i can do about it now. Now i am alone. id do anything to go back and repair it. 

But i deserve to be alone. I am huge headache. I get offended by nearly everything, my mind is so negative because of the massive amounts of trauma I have faced. I am constantly on the defense, look for the negative in everything and do my best to confirm it, i feel like i demand apologizes for every minor thing, and think everyone has it bad for me. i also abandon sometimes or get distant if i feel they will leave me eventually. i am destined for a life of loneliness, i am too sensitive and difficult to be around someone long term, i blew up eventually. i HATE it! I HATE myself so damn much! i still feel guilt for the pain i have inflicted on loved ones

I have tried therapy and no success. Maybe im too stubborn to follow my therapy homework and i get very defensive with therapists too and stop going when i dont idolize them anymore. I think i will just stay alone forever and not subject anyone to my emotional unstability. I pity the person if so.. i have a few online friends but im very distant and not too close with them. (Funny how the ones im more distant with think im an awesome friend lol)

Anyone with no friends, no lover, no nothing?