I’ve been pretty stressed out at work recently and have been herded into a senior supervisor role, to run my department and make sure everyone is doing their jobs well and things run smoothly. Not ideal at all, and I wasn’t getting paid extra for this extra work, but that’s fine and I’m able to deal with it most days. What I’m not fine with is how far management thinks they can push me into this role, and almost gaslight me into thinking that ‘yes, all these things I didn’t agree to are my responsibility’. 

There was a big fuck up on Sunday due to a big machine being incorrectly cleaned and rendered out of order for the day, which prevented me from producing one of my works most profitable products. Now I did everything I thought was right at the time, I called in the maintenance guys to help me try to get this thing running, I called a manager when I couldn’t find a solution to the problem, and managed to get 95% of the rest of the days shit done while dealing with this. Unfortunately for me, all the managers can see is that I should have called them earlier. And in hindsight they are right. But I’m not meant to be the one to make that decision, I’m just a peon worker there, not actually the supervisor. So why am I the one that’s made responsible for the problem. There were 4 other workers on floor that day, and the maintenance guys I was stressing out with. Why didn’t any of them try to call a manager for help. Why is it only me doing this. 

Well long story short I’ve now been terminated from my job, but because I got angry and yelled a bunch, like ‘the owner can just come in and sack me then’, and ‘I’m in over my head, I can’t deal with this shit, I want to resign’, they have taken my ranting as an official resignation, despite the owner of the business saying he doesn’t want me at work at all, before my rant was heard. 

Looking back on the events that took place, and how I was thinking and behaving, I can see anxieties fingerprints all over. I was so anxious about getting everything done that I overlooked an important step in all of this. If I just rang the manager when it started none of it would have been my problem. But I was so wrapped up in anxiety about getting my ass kicked for not getting it right without help, that I didn’t get it right. I felt like I was backed into a corner like a small animal, and that the only way I was able to get out was anger and brute force. I tried to do it myself and was so determined to prove that I could do it myself that I royally fucked it all up.

I think my partner is angry with me over it because, due to the terms of my employment at this place, if i has been sacked and not resigned, then I would be legally entitled to be paid to a specific date, rather than just cut off like I am now (I was due to leave on the 21st of Jan, as I have other work starting at the start of feb). 

And now my anxiety is peaking with me being absolutely useless, and unable to leave my room for anything. Like I’m not allowed to, that I’m to stay here like some child that’s been grounded or put into time out. Which is making the anxiety worse. I’m stuck in a pit and have no idea what to do, and am afraid that this will cause more Anxiety fuelled poor decisions. 

Also, does anyone else get like super sleepy during an anxiety attack?