I’ve found I’m becoming more and more angry as time goes on. I wake up pissed because I wanted to keep sleeping, I leave school pissed because I hate school, I leave practice pissed because I’m tired from the day, I come home pissed and my parents ask what’s wrong but I don’t even know what’s wrong or why I’m pissed. Like in all honesty my life is going somewhat well, people at school know me, I have good enough grades, I’m not the ugliest person I know, so why am I so angry. I don’t know why. All I know is that the pissed off thing is leaving me exhausted so much that at the end of the day I end up staying up late at night and just watch porn and whack it for hours, hoping that by the end it will fill me with some form of happiness no matter how shallow. I just want to feel like I am useful. But all I feel is empty, worthless, and unnecessary, and I hate that, so I stay angry. Mainly just because I hate being sad all the time.
And I don’t think I will kill myself, but the thought of just ending comes up on a regular basis now. And I don’t want to die, because if I do I’ll end up worse than I am right now. I just want this all to END.