I have had a really rough time this year. December 31, 2021 I took a half a bottle of ibuprofen on impulse (immediately regretted it) but went to the ER and ended up being held their against my will and received some of the most dehumanizing and traumatic care I’ve ever received. So I’ve had PTSD with that, nightmares, flashbacks. It’s haunted me for the past six months. After that life just completely fell apart. Everything that could go wrong did. I have never tried to get help more in my life but every provider and counselor I tried to reach out to ghosted me or wouldn’t meet with me or was unavailable. My own physiatrist I’ve seen since 2018 (when I was diagnosed with depression &amp; anxiety) ghosted my messages. No one cared and the feeling of people you pay (not people doing you a favor) blatantly not giving a shit fucked me up bad. I’ve not felt like a person. It’s all been so dehumanizing. 

Fast forward to the past 2 weeks. I decide to get sober. A huge step for me and I have always said about this year either I will come out stronger than ever or I won’t see next year. And I made an incredibly hard decision. Something I didn’t know prior to getting sober is severe depression can be the fallout. So while I was doing the best thing for myself I was being not listened to. Let me expand. That psychiatrist that I’ve seen for 4 years I went to discontinue care. Because I was so bothered. I explained where my responses during the first few months of the year were coming from. and i mentioned prior issues with suicide. which ive had for years. but made it clear it wasnt present. he freaks. tells me he cant help me and i need to go to in patient care. which i was fine. i didn't need to. I was ok. So I schedule with someone on cerebral next day. This psycho listens to none of what I said. I said I was fine about ten times and stayed for her benefit that even if I wasn’t (which I was) i had a safety plan in place. Next thing I know there’s a cop at my front door saying “I hear your trying to harm yourself.” To which I say absolutely not. I’m just fine. To give context to e have had issues with trespassing on our property by landlords and property management and the landlords buddies. All illegal. And it makes me feel unsafe in my own home. So it wasn’t a safe feeling. Additionally I hate cops and have had many a negative experience. Next day after that I go back to the jackass I had been seeing bc I had no options and for 3 years it had been ok. And I was desperate. At least he never called the cops. Well then I get met with basically more ghosting and made to feel crazy. 

All I need is med management. I have therapists. I am in a better place. I have safety plans. The hard part of sobriety is done. 

And now today I find out he is refusing to do any treatment. Which fine but I’ve not been listened to at any point and it’s beyond dehumanizing to feel so discarded. Like I’m paying you asshole. He wasn’t that great tbh but now I’m back at square one petrified to find a new provider. And being treated like this makes my mental health worse not better. That’s the ironic thing.

I’ve been made to feel so difficult and crazy and I’m not. Just want to be treated with some dignity and not like a nut job.

And I trust no mental health providers because giving information or not giving information somehow manages to fuck me over. So I’ve learned to not trust anyone, lie and not say a goddamn word. 

I’m so weary. I don’t have much of a support system. No one understands. And I don’t think I can handle more of this bullshit. 

I just want to feel like a person. Not crazy. Not broken. Just a person. Because that’s what I am but I seem to be the only one who thinks that.

I just want someone to care 😞