I was very recently diagnosed with what is known as quiet BPD, and I feel like the more I think about my diagnosis the more everything makes sense. 

I always knew something wasn’t quite right with me, but could never tell you what it was. I just knew that I wasn’t “normal” but I never would have thought it was bpd, because everyone that I know with bpd is very outwardly expressive with their emotions. I didn’t realize there was such a thing as quiet BPD and after reading the signs and symptoms, I’ve never heard myself described better.

I always feel like the worst person, like I’m garbage that’s not worth anyone’s energy or time, but I never say anything and try not to show to others that this is how I feel. I’ve always been fairly quiet and my fear of abandonment and being embarrassed keeps me from saying stupid things in public situations. 

I often self-sabotage my romantic relationships, every time in the past that I’ve almost gotten into a relationship I did or said something to make them upset so that they wouldn’t date me; leave them before they leave me. The only person I’ve ever actually had the confidence to date was my current girlfriend who also has BPD.

I’m also (unfortunately) a compulsive liar. I can either lie about small silly stuff or about really big things, typically in an attempt to get people to like me more. I say sorry for everything, even if I don’t feel bad and will do whatever it takes to make someone no longer upset with me. 

I split a lot, when someone really upsets me, even if I think they’re an amazing person, it makes me not want anything to do with them. I don’t know how many times I’ve considered breaking up with someone or letting a friend go because of one thing that mildly upset me.

I’m not sure how I feel, apart of me is confused, because everything I knew about BPD feels wrong now, but I’m also happy to finally know what is different about me as well I guess.