So I've heard about FPs on more than one occasion, and I've always known that I probably have one since I'm diagnosed. But recently, I started reading articles about people with FPs, losing their FPs, and coping with the effects it has on their relationships. I recently lost my significant other who was also my FP. I pushed them away, but never understood that it was me and my behavior that caused it. I always thought it was that they weren't good enough, or understanding enough, or there for me enough. After reading the articles I was just like WOW that's me. #CalledTFOut. But it made me realize what a huge impact the dynamic has not just on romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I've substituted my lost lover with my best friend. Instead of going to my ex with every little problem, she now bears the brunt of it. And I didn't realize that either until now. How unfair the dynamic is, how toxic it is, and how harmful it is to those I love. 

I digress. I don't want this to be a mopey post, lol. 

After realizing that the reason I felt like I would LITERALLY die without my ex, or without constant contact with my best friend, was this (should be a symptom) pattern characteristic of BPD, suddenly I felt better. I wasn't so attached, I wasn't so resistant to losing them, I realized that it was me and my behaviors that cause it and that I need to take responsibility. 

There was a time before FPs for me, before I started dating, when I liked being alone. When I was happy holed up in my room doing w.e I wanted. I rathered be alone than with friends. (I'm an introvert, I got most of my socializing on FB, or on the weekends only). I actually enjoyed my own company. I realized maybe I could be that way again. Maybe I could actually be... my own Favorite Person? 

I'm sure it's something even people with no mental illness strive for, under the label of "Self Love" or what have you. But it's become blaringly obvious to me now how much more important it is for people with BPD. 

Since, I've started to do more of the things that I used to enjoy but would put off just to spend time with FPs. It's going to be a long process but I'm committed. 

The pain and suffering of having your every emotion, decision, and the very state of your mental health HINGE on another person is NOT worth it. I would rather learn to make myself happy regardless of who or what is around me. To me, that is invaluable. I'm tired of a wrong look or a weird tone straight up ruining my day or even week. I'm tired of my overreactions driving others to the brink of insanity themselves, or worse, making them feel unsafe around me. 

I hope this post helps someone else who might be feeling the same way. 
I'll post the links here in case anyone is curious as to what I read.  

https://themighty.com/2017/09/borderline-personality-disorder-favorite-person-best-friend/

https://themighty.com/2017/07/bpd-borderline-favorite-person/

https://themighty.com/2017/09/new-favorite-person-borderline-personality-bpd/

https://themighty.com/2017/01/favorite-person-bpd/

Thanks :) 