 

**The 5 Common Types of 'Mothers Who Can’t Love'**

**Based On the Healing Guide for Daughters** 

*Written By Susan Forward and Donna Frazier Glynn*

**1 | The Severely Narcissistic Mother**

*Drama, Deflection, Denial*

* Deeply insecure and filled with self-doubt which drives their hunger for approval and admiration
* As children age more stress occurs for mother while less adulation is received
* Mother progressively sees children, especially daughters, as their rival
* May be intermittently affectionate
* Takes credit for others’ accomplishments but blames others for her failures
* Has an Insatiable appetite for attention
* Overly dependent on other people’s opinions
* Compelled to prove herself
* Jealous &amp; envious
* Lacks empathy
* Behaves emotionally &amp; dramatically, even to the point of being bizarre
* Disagreement with this mother triggers inner turmoil for her
* Makes others feel guilty for pointing out her behavior
* Overlooks her own shortcomings and emphasizes children (often daughters) deficits
* Refuses to acknowledge her wrongdoing
* She is above reproach
* Lies/gaslights

*“That never happened”*

*“I was only kidding”*

*“You’re being dramatic”*

* Challenges the child’s memory, their ability to think rationally and their worth
* May assign a child that can do no wrong and a child that is the family scapegoat
* Lack self-awareness and ability to be reflective
* At their core is a deeply engrained personality disorder
* There was likely rivalry in this mother’s upbringing

**Daughters of The Severely Narcissistic Mothers**

* Often lack self-confidence &amp; enthusiasm
* Fantasize about being powerful and admired
* Often go to great lengths for intermittent affection
* Distrustful of praise
* Live in their mother’s shadow during childhood
* May have been “the child that can do no wrong” or the “family scapegoat”
* Want to believe their mother has their wellbeing at heart &amp; may resist accepting otherwise

─────────────────

**2 | The Overly Enmeshed Mother**

*Bonding Turned To Bondage*

* Their “closeness” is often suffocating, invasive and one way
* The enmeshment dynamic soothes their own fear of abandonment
* Can’t let go, pushes herself onto the children
* Makes herself the center of the child’s world
* Does not encourage her children to have their own free will
* Hovers, rescues, advocates for child
* This mother does not allow the child to have differing needs, desires, or feelings
* Creates a dependent child
* Hard to see where the child’s life ends and the mother’s life begins
* Mother places the burden of their happiness on the child
* Offers resources &amp; support that illicit a sense of obligation and dependence
* The child’s “best friend”
* Does not respect privacy

*“Let me do it for you”*

**Daughters of The Overly Enmeshed Mothers**

* Feel inadequate
* Unable to develop their strengths
* Not provided the space and opportunity to persevere
* May lack the skills to problem solve
* Difficulty enforcing boundaries with mother
* Love equates to giving up their own desires
* Feelings of guilt when expressing their own feelings
* May be an adult, but often still a child emotionally
* Feel they can’t survive without their mother
* Lack autonomy
* Attuned to mother’s emotional state
* Putting themselves first feels like a crime
* Lack confidence in their abilities
* Both moth and daughter are clinging frightened children

─────────────────

**3 | The Control Freak Mother**

*“you’re doing it wrong”*

* Director of the environment, people, and project
* Domineering, not subtle, authoritarian, possibly a bully
* Controlling or bullying gives her a sense of power
* Criticizes, insults, threatens
* Children’s feelings and wants do not matter
* Bossy or even cruel
* All or nothing thinking
* Likely doesn’t work well with others
* This mother may have been the “preferred child” growing up
* May feel underappreciated but refuse to let others help or heavily criticizes help
* Micromanager and sees others as incompetent
* Pays attention to details
* May hold child to impossible standards
* Rules, routines, drills
* Typically this mother is displeased with her life
* May have also had a controlling mother
* Without a sense of empowerment, they feel lost

**Daughters of The Control Freak Mothers**

* Learn to be a target; quiet, passive, tolerant
* May fantasize about escaping
* Feel the need to exert control as an adult
* May put others needs before their own
* Don’t trust their own judgment
* Lack dignity and self-respect
* Vulnerable
* As adult may rebel or become a bully to exert their longing desire for autonomy (repeating the cycle)
* May partake in self-destructive behaviors due to enormous anger that has built up
* May be a people pleaser, bully, or perfectionist

─────────────────

**4 | Mothers Who Need Mothering**

*Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays*

* Missing in Action
* Checked out
* Puts any energy they have into their own survival
* Not available; shuts herself in her room or lays on couch for long periods of time
* Doesn’t get kids ready for school
* Withdrawn into their own world
* May be at home, but not present
* Will not notice your accomplishments
* May sleep, watch TV, complain often, abuse drugs and alcohol
* Doesn’t make meals
* Mother morphs into a helpless and needy child
* In a dark spiral of depression, ill and suffering
* May not care for children or even herself
* Lacks rules, discipline, and boundaries

**Daughters of The Mother Who Needs Mothering**

* Take on role of parent
* Try to make everything better
* Pity their mother
* Wise beyond their years
* Responsible
* Likely become caretakers by profession; often nursing, social work, and counseling
* Ability to be cool, collected and capable
* Often support others success and happiness but overlook their own
* Do not put themselves first
* May have protected mother, lied for her, defended her, been her confidant
* Overdeveloped sense of guilt
* Asking for help makes them feel weak
* May feel angry, unappreciated or used
* Ignores own feelings
* A child in this role was not given opportunity to fully explore and develop their individual self
* Trained to be an expert in others’ needs
* Carries horrendous emotional load
* Vigilantly anticipates possible difficulties to diffuse problems before they occur
* Feels ashamed and inadequate that they cannot save their mother
* Do too much, give too much
* Has a treadmill of problems to be solved
* Confuses love with pity
* Do not understand reciprocal relationships that are free of the need to rescue
* Have a sense of being an alien or being different
* Have been robbed of a childhood
* Chronically find themselves in a counseling/caregiving role (repetition compulsion)

**Repetition compulsion**; the need to repeat old behavioral patterns with the hope of getting different results

─────────────────

**5| Mothers Who Neglect, Betray, and Batter**

*Mother becomes monster*

* Unavailable, distant, cold
* Preoccupied with themselves, self-centered
* May overlook sexual abuse of children in order to avoid being abandoned themselves
* Unwilling to pull children safety
* May even blame children for being abused or molested
* Children become a dumping ground for the mothers unresolved emotional baggage
* Resent children, treat them as objects, blame them
* Fail to protect them from predators and may abuse
* May have been severely traumatized or from a loveless household
* Never learned tenderness or empathy
* Stranger to love
* Children are the scapegoat for mother’s anger and feeling of helplessness
* Look away and rationalize their children being abused
* The truth becomes the enemy

**Daughters of The Mothers who Neglect, Betray, and Batter**

* Fearful, angry, hungry for affection
* Struggle to find themselves
* Feel invisible, unwanted, ignored
* Starved of attention, warmth, touch and support
* Feel guilty and that things are their fault
* Often expect the worst of people (may become an overprotective parent)
* Paradoxically, may be desperate for love, overlook red flags; become a victim, again
* Do not feel worthy of love
* Feel angry inside which may lead them to become abusers
* Feel violated, damaged and isolated
* Unconsciously pulled towards unstable or dangerous partners

&gt;***Never Underestimate The Power of Familiar***

────────────────────────────────────

In addition to defining common mothers who can’t love, this book also includes techniques to overcome the wounds inflicted. Some of the techniques include acknowledging the painful feelings, tapping into the wisdom within their anger and grief, changing behaviors, and setting boundaries.

***“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.”***  
***Maya Angelou***

Healing comes from

**looking at what happened, how it impacted you and what you can do about it now.**

The Effects of Neglect and Abuse of a Mother Can Be Severe

But The Healing Can Be Equally Dramatic.

**You were wounded, not ruined.**

If you liked these words read more at [twoforsue.com](http://twoforsue.com/)

I'm Britney. My mother was #4. This book really helped me understand and process all the resentment I had towards her (she passed when I was 12). I didn't actually grieve her death until about 15 years later.. We never had funeral or spoke about her afterwards and to this day her ashes are in a cardboard box. Resentment was a powerful technique for me to avoid the overwhelming feelings of grief and sadness. Sometimes I felt like I was shot in the chest and there was a massive hole in me.

DISCLAIMER

I try hard to avoid offending anyone. I’m a mental health professional but still don’t know it all.

Please provide feedback if you feel my post has misrepresented, stigmatized or is inaccurate in any way. I try to gain understanding and spread accurate information, not the opposite. 

I attached an image of the book for anyone interested. 

&amp;#x200B;

again, for more mental health information here is my blog website | [twoforsue.com](http://twoforsue.com/)

&amp;#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/if0yotwu5v291.jpg?width=1280&amp;format=pjpg&amp;auto=webp&amp;s=a6fe4835d64781579dcc084d75e40d50debd3b2e

Britney