my mood is so unpredictable, i dont see the point in doing ANYTHING since things never really turn out okay cause there's always problems, there's always something i havent done right and i end up regretting everything so it feels like nothing has a point

i always thought i preferred time alone, i purposefully isolate myself as to not hurt anyone, i internalize all my problems and bad thoughts cause i dont see the point in getting someone involved when my problems dont seem to last, i'll be maybe okay in a few hours and if i got someone involved ill have to face my problems agian but this time with the knowledge that ive already failed them.

whenever i have time to myself i think "thank god" at first cause i can have some time alone. but ive come to the realization that alone is not good. alone is bad.

whenever im left alone for extended periods of times i get more depressed. it's when im alone that i stop giving a fuck about anything and everything. i dont eat right. or i binge eat. i find an excuse to abuse alcohol and drugs cause no one is around to stop me. i start self harming because i simply can. i dont wash. my room becomes a mess. i cant bring myself to do anything cause i dont care. its just a downward spiral and it keeps going down, down, down.

it makes me wonder, if this is what im like alone - in contrast to living with someone and being on constant edge cause im afraid to hurt them - i dont know if i'll ever find peace, if i can ever find life worth living. fuck. 

when people wake me up in the morning im in the world's worst mood and i end up lashing out. but without someone there i cant even physically bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. i just wallow in my own uselessness and get mad at myself for being so useless i cant even wake up on time. i have to find excuses to tell friends and teachers and therapists that im too depressed to even get out of bed. 

tl;dr im useless on my own, and killing myself either due to self neglect or spending too long wallowing in my own self hatred seems ... inevitable. but i having someone in my life helping me to just, get through the day, is also exhausting and i can't be happy either way.

im not sure what to do. i have so much work to be done but all this existential shit is just glariing me in the face and im stuck. i dont know what to do with myself. 

whats the point