My gf/fp was in a bad mood last night and said something that set me off-- I was intoxicated as well so it was pretty much instant. Ever since I got off my meds ive had a hard time taking care of myself and our house, and i've been feeling really guilty about it. i cried after therapy on monday because of how crushingly empty and depressed i've been feeling, and not being able to take care of my environment only made it worse. i hate myself for not being able to do just do stuff and instead of just sit here. my gf said i was complacent but "its okay because it's been your birthday week." i got really upset but instead of being mean back to her, I said "im going to bed, i cant i cant i cant" and ran into our room with my phone to curl up in bed. For a moment I felt like I was faking being upset about what she said because i didnt respond and just ran away, and I started to cry.

im someone who natutally cries loudly, and the louder i cried, the more i felt like i was faking it to show her how upset it was, and that thought just made me cry louder. its constantly "*I must be faking it-- No, this really hurts! -- But it isn't that bad, you're making a big deal out of nothing-- but it really hurts, I'm allowed to feel hurt-- but I'm not allowed to be this upset.*"  
i had a really mild panic attack under the blankets and that obviously just made me cry more, and i couldnt stop myself from wondering when she was going to come after me to make sure i was okay, but that just made me feel even more guilty because it made me feel like i was just pretending to be so upset over what she said, when i really just wanted her to come comfort me. 

it turns out she was just finishing the popsicle i abandoned to make sure it didnt melt and get everywhere before she came to comfort me. and i cried harder when she did come, because i felt so shitty about not being able to comfort myself, and feeling like i had just freaked out for no reason for attention. she did manage to calm me down and apologize and recognized that it was kind of mean to say, especially since i had worked hard that day to get something important done that we had been putting off for ages. i got another popsicle afterwards.