Hi. Please read.. 

I’m a special education teacher (kindergarten) and it’s my first year teaching. I graduated last year so I was very lucky to find a job, and for that I’m grateful. 

I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and borderline personality disorder. I’ve been struggling very much recently. I thought I was having seizures and I was in the hospital for a week. After monitoring my brain waves, it turns out it wasn’t seizures it was severe anxiety. My mental health is killing me so much that it’s manifesting into physical seizure like symptoms. I feel physically ill everyday. 

I go back to work tomorrow after getting out of the hospital last week. My school is very much a “business” who needs a “body” to be there and fill the job. They preach support for the students with disabilities, but when a staff is feeling ill, it’s like we’re bad people. It’s not fair. We were once kids too. 

The principal sent an email to HR about me and I am required to get evaluated by a doctor of their choice Tuesday morning. I thought I was having a seizure at work last week and they sent me home. The letter stated that staff members have reported that I have been seen as “unwell”. They also stated that I am seen to be hyperventilating, crying or breathing hard throughout the day. I’ve never tried SO HARD in my life to keep this job- and I still ruined it. If I don’t go to the appointment, they will terminate my employment. I am part of a union, and I am bringing someone to represent me. The letter stated that they are concerned that I am putting the kids at risk with my physical and mental capabilities. I don’t feel comfortable going tomorrow because if that comment but I don’t want to be fired or make them more angry. 

A part of me feels that the evaluation is a blessing in disguise because the time off would allow me to attend my outpatient hospital program. I want to get better and I’m not doing these kids a favor by being this sick. It would also allow me time to work with my trainer to help further my training with my service dog (in training) that I so very need. She does not go to work with me, as she is not ready but one day soon I’m hoping. That’s a story for another time.. 

On the other hand, I value my career and I don’t want to get treated badly. I am already expecting to be treated badly tomorrow morning for the absence of when I was in the hospital. I am extremely behind on work and I am so stressed it’s keeping me up at night. My anxiety medication isn’t working anymore and I don’t know what to do. I feel that someone is stalking me and I have proof but no one believes me. I also believe that it is someone or a collective someones at my work. That aside, I know this it a toxic environment- I plan on leaving by the next school year. I can’t leave now because I need insurance and I rely on my income. 

I am hallucinating almost constantly and It’s disturbing to me. I lost 15 pounds in a month from the change of mental state. I just have to get through tomorrow. 

Am I selfish to want to get help? Taking a leave may not even be up to me, as it may be forced upon me by the doctor. Or he could think I’m okay to work? If so, I was thinking about suggesting it. The union will prevent me from being fired. I don’t want to reveal my diagnosis’s. He will ask why I was in the hospital and I plan on being as vague as possible. 

Do I get myself some help or further my career and prove to the administration that I can do this?

TLDR: First year special education teacher in a tough district. Forced evaluation by principal.