i really don't have the desire or energy or willpower to talk about this for long but basically, i had naturally built a relationship that i thought was perfect with my favorite person

ive always and still felt like a complete alien to everyone but her, i got so attached to her but the fact my life was very difficult before and still is and all the abuse i went through at home made me very good at communicating. we had clear bounds and talked about everything regularly, i was even maybe a little bit clinical with how carefully i handled everything

as time passed and we went through so, so much together, i eventually started losing balance. we were getting to the stage of no real emotional extremes, nothing making me feel very much anymore. it made me feel like something is very obviously wrong and (falsely) that she wants nothing to do with me anymore, and it just got worse and i kept alienating her with my mood swings and constant whining for her to take care of me. i regressed a lot.

eventually we had a fight - which i now realize was me imitating my horrible parents as a coping method - come to think of it, its a very standard story, once i look into it. but its so, so, so fucking horrible. I hate myself so much for doing that. then i had a mental breakdown and made her cry for hours because i started uncontrollably talking about self-harm and suicidal thoughts and i just 

that was three months ago, and ive spent three months working my everything, every neuron in my brain to be someone who doesn't do that. i've made it clear she deserves space and she doesn't have to talk to me if she doesn't want to. i've worked on making myself independent for three months, but in the end, i'm mentally ill, i'm far away from her and struggling to survive materially, i can't connect with people, so it was all really for her.

&amp;#x200B;

Today, she came up and basically told me, in her usual polite manner, that she's forgiven me for hurting her but she doesn't want anything to do with me again. That she needs to start anew elsewhere, and that I messed her up psychologically with the mental breakdown and everything.

&amp;#x200B;

Now, when I'm having a bad mood swing, I do feel. Like a doormat.

But even when I'm doing a bit better, I just realize that, even if I'm over her as a favorite person, I feel absolutely horrible for alienating nicest person i know so much she can't even stand me. i don't know if she can stand me? i don't know if she's going to try to be close to me ever again? 

i dont 

know why i am doing anything

i have no more compass in life, and no identity 

i dont know what to do, i dont even know what to spend my days on, all i can do is lay around and be an empty husk and watch the same youtube videos again and again. i have no motivations other than sharing my weird specific interests and feelings with someone who understands me. i dont know where i am right now. 

&amp;#x200B;

im sorry this post is so disjointed im writing it under a lot of distress and idk how to formulate anything.