i recently turned 18, and it hasnt been too bad technically. it is scary being an adult because my childhood was stripped away from me before i knew it, but i want to leave this house so bad and im finally working towards that. im also transgender, and ive finally gotten the paperwork to change my name, my gender, and ive started the process of getting a top surgeon. i work at starbucks, and im trying to get a second job to move out next summer. im going to meet 3 of my online best friends in a month, and i have plans to move in with one of them next year. im on the way to getting my drivers license so i can finally go places on my own. i have a beautiful cat who's my Emotional Support Animal. im going to vidcon next month, and ive wanted to go since i was 10. im going to so many concerts this year. im going to meet one of my childhood heros this october. im finally on testosterone again after months of being on and off of it. things are going so fucking well.

but i am unable to feel happy about it. even the day i got everything to legally change my name, i was happy at first, but i wasnt that joyous like i used to be. and when i got home i just sat and stared at my ceiling for like an hour. no matter what happens, i cant be happy. i feel like happy for a little bit, but at the end of the day my default emotion is just feeling low. nothing is fun. i want to end it all so badly, i want to give up so much, but i cant. every attempt ive ever had has failed, and ive probably tried over 20 times. i cant go to the hospitial because last time i did i was told i "wasnt a priority" to them because i had plans to do something in 2 weeks, and "suicidal people dont make plans", and my mum literally heard them tell me im not a priority. 

i am so utterly alone. and whenever i tell people that, "but you have so many online friends!", "what about your coworkers?", "if you arent happy being single, a relationship wont help you", ect ect. me feeling utterly alone has nothing to do with physically being alone. im mentally alone. no one understands me the way i do, and i cant tell people. im a danger to myself but it doesnt matter. i cant stand up for myself. i just do exactly what im told no matter how much i feel like it's wrong. i feel like a robot. i want everything to be over. i want to just be in a dream world with my cat. i cant stand this. 

but theres nothing i can do. i cannot cope in any way, not even self harm. im too weak to anymore. im not mentally capable of it. i have nothing. and i feel so selfish for feeling like this because things are going so well and "it could be worse" and i should be grateful of where i am. but i just cant.

but thats neither here nor there.