I am severely depressed and fucking up at work when I have a new job. I'm supposed to be doing my best and really hitting it out of the park but keep getting distracted and feeling resentful and just...not. I feel lethargic and unhopeful about the future and sometimes it's impossible to force myself to go through the motions. I feel old and useless and like I've wasted my life and can never get it back. Can't exactly bring that up in meetings. I keep second guessing myself and feeling useless.  


I don't have anything to show for all of my years, nothing to live for. No partner, no career that I love, nothing to look forward to. So why do I keep doing it? The question is getting harder and harder to answer every day. How do you keep pushing through when there's not really a reason to anymore? How do I keep clicking things on a keyboard and cosplaying a functional person with my colleagues?