This isn’t the first time but it feels like the last time. Last time I wanted to die and was considering checking myself into a hospital but this time I don’t feel anything. Just a numbness. He told me I’m always ruining his day. I’m always nitpicking. He’s at 99 and I bring him to 100. Push him over the edge. Everything is my fault. My feelings are completely invalidated. I can’t say anything, can’t explain myself in any way because it’s backpedaling, being wishy washy, not ever having my story straight. He has completely distorted my reality the last few weeks. 
The thing is, I’m terribly self aware. I know when I’m being toxic, irrational, overreacting, etc and I always apologize for it. He’s told me so many times he loves how when I notice something is wrong in myself or in my life I immediately try to fix it. He’s told me I’ve improved his life and how proud he is of me because I got a therapist and am working on myself. 
Today I told him it sucks to see him post on social media and not text me back. I wasn’t even angry, just annoyed. And he completely blew up on me and was screaming at me on the phone and hung up on me and said he was done. And the weird thing is I would usually be screaming too but I was mostly just sad and hurt and felt like he wasn’t letting me get my point across at all because everything I say is wrong and he is always right. 
I blocked him on everything and then deleted all my social media. I’m sure it’ll hit me in a couple of days but right now I’m just so tired. So tired of always having bad relationships and it all being my fault and me continually feeling crazier and crazier and like no matter what I do I’m always going to be the toxic piece of shit in everyone’s eyes.