Throwaway account so irls dont see. I'm so upset. Basically me and my partner became very toxic and he got physically violent with me. Pretty much if I angered him and i didn't handle right it would happen. Along with calling me names, telling me he hates me, and threatening to break up every time. Of course I would have a bpd freak out every time too and it would end in me begging for forgiveness and him not to leave. I'm not proud of myself and its definitely not all his fault. We triggered each other so much. This cycle lasted about a year. We're long distance and we've been apart for a couple months now.

Basically I'm suffering after all this. I've been having ptsd about what happened I think. Flashbacks, I've been very withdrawn and disconnected from him, etc etc. Just depressed in general, 0 sex drive. Although things have been improving I've only ever brought up these issues during fights. He told me lets talk about it when im calm.nSo today I typed up everything how I felt and what I've been dealing with, and how we both need healing for our relationship and that toxic environment can never happen again. I made sure to say I'm not blaming him, that I love him and want to try working it out. I really struggle articulating my feelings but I made sure I was in a clear headed state and I said he doesn't have to respond right this second.

Well he is being really cold with me and said he won't respond today. He has things to sort out and wants to be left alone. Fair enough I suppose.

I feel so fucking terrible. I feel like I'm being eaten alive and I've been crying for 2 days now. I just can't handle this. Can he not give me even just a shred of comfort? I told him how much pain I'm feeling. I know these situations hurt him too but to not even say anything..we've been together for 7 years. I feel like my world is breaking apart. He even just said I don't have to call him before bed tonight. I'm about to lose my mind. I wish I never said anything but I'm hurting so much and wanted to be honest. I can't take this. It feels exactly like my childhood and I just want to burn everything to the ground. I don't know how to cope and I don't know what to do, I don't have any friends or family to reach out to either. I don't know why I'm here in this world. It's all becoming too much.