So I'm gonna start off this post with the beginning just to get to the root of all this madness. It all started when I was 3/4 when I started going to this Christian daycare between 2001 - 2002. There I was badly physically and emotionally abused. One time I was stomped repeatedly in the face by this other kid while the teachers watched, another time a janitor poured nerds down my throat while I begged her to stop, another time I got made fun of and humiliated in class after they saw my mom kiss me, another time the principal picked me up by the ear lobe and dropped me next to the other kids because I was distracted with a toy truck during class, another time they lied to my father that I said we were gonna smell like shit on a horse buggy when I actually said poop so he spanked the fuck out of me and on numerous occasions the teacher would pick me up over her shoulder and carry me to the front desk. My dad would spank me so severely to the point that I felt I couldn't breathe and after I got kicked out of that first daycare, I went to another one although this one wasn't bad. Then between 2003 - 2004 I entered kindergarten where I was made fun of by the teachers and students because of my erratic behavior in class and I failed kindergarten and had to do it all over again.also between 2003 - 4 I was raped by a relative who was 13/14 while I was only 5/6. He forced me to perform oral sex on him and he fellated me. On another occasion he ejaculated in front of me. 

But then in the summer of 2004 my mom and dad got into their last argument before my mom took me and left. My mother and father would always get into arguments in front of me and I was rarely free from drama. But as soon as I left, my life instantly got better. And from August 2004 - December 2010 those will go down as the best years of my life. But then came 2011 and my life hit a new low. In 2011, my mom announced her pregnancy to a third kid in the car with me and little half-brother. Apparently she got knocked up by a guy she had been dating on and off for about a year at that point but had been dating some other guy who I really liked who was a gym coach at my school. She dumped and cucked him for that same asshole I wasn't too fond of. Neither me nor my other little brother were happy to hear this at all nor was just about anyone else. This was also when I noticed her bitch behavior towards me. I went inside and ate from a pickle jar like I always did, and she snatched the jar from me and called me greedy. Then later, my mom lost custody over her second kid after her sister (my aunt) approached my house late at night while I was away, my grandfather answered and opened the door, they then barged in, tore the doorknob off my mom's bedroom door before throwing my grandfather's guns out in the driveway and leaving. This happened after my aunt ranted on FaceBook about my mom. Then they later went to court over the custody over my brother, and I remember going to court and seeing my aunt break down crying in the courtroom before leaving, and later the verdict was basically that his father now has custody over him. 

Then in June my mom gave birth to her third (illegitimate) kid who turned out to be a fucking nightmare to be around with a high-pitched shriek of a scream that you can literally hear from outside the house and who would later turn out to be the biggest brat imaginable since neither she nor his father ever spank him, but rather get mad at me for getting mad at him over his brat behavior, and she obviously prefers him over me, lets him get away with everything even though she never gave me that treatment, and will fuck with you on purpose (like throwing shit at you, following you around, etc.) and when you come after him, will run to his mother, because he knows she'll let him get away with everything. 

And finally in August, I start the 7th grade and that was when the bullying starts after the science teacher was talking about frog dissection at the beginning of the semester and I made a joke about eating it's legs, thus earning me the nickname "frog legs" and endless teasing, ostracism, bullying, etc. This was also when I started researching mass murderers, serial killers, etc and listening to horrorcore music as well as all kinds of other weird music. 

Then came 2012. This year was kind of a blur and I don't have too many memories from. From what little I do remember, I started dating this half-black/Puerto Rican girl who accidentally messaged me on my school iPad. My family didn't approve, and eventually we parted our ways peacefully. Then I got into a car wreck either that year or early next year with my grandfather after some dumbass pulled out in front of us. I hurt my shin, my brother later recounted that I told him I was having some chest pains, and the car was totaled. My grandfather used to always pick me up from school on Fridays to take me to Hardees. I also started experiencing with all kinds of sexual deviancy. I also started engaging in other risky illegal behavior, like shoplifting and vandalism. One night I snuck away from home, rearranged the words on a church sign to spell "shit dicks" and threw a rock at a glass at a school window and cracked it just so I could end up on the news, but didn't. Then when I entered the 8th grade, I remember my mom bringing her hellspawn to school with us, embarrassing me in front of the whole class with his screeching, getting me bullied even more. 

Now comes 2013. This year was so bad for me like you wouldn't believe. From what I remember, in May I started seeing a new counselor after my mom previously took me to a private therapist briefly, and upon seeing her for my first appointment, my mom spills the beans to her, tells her everything about my behavioral changes to the knives my grandparents found in my backpack to the things I had written et cetera. My counselor then called the police on me and sent me to a mental institution. This will easily go down as the worst experience of my life. When I first got there, the other patients were nice to me for the most part, until one day when they all left and, feeling homesick, I just started crying in the hallways. That was when the nurse called the security on me. Once I heard their radios, they escorted me to my room, I got on my bed, asked them what they were going to do to me, but they said it wasn't negotiable. Then they had me lay down on my stomach, and they stuck a needle in my hip before they left. After they were gone, I got up and went ballistic. At one point, I picked up a chair and attempted to destroy the lens of the surveillance camera in my bedroom until another nurse came in to calm me down. After waking up sometime later in a drugged state, the other patients started laughing at me, so I went back into my room to sleep some more. After I woke up the second day, they then started bullying me for being tranquilized, calling me tranquilizer and all kinds of other names, mocking me, etc. This incident happened not too much longer after my doctor said I would've left that same week but instead it only extended my stay. Throughout my time there, I would often look for ways to escape, and at one point, in a bout of frustration, started kicking the cage covering my window until two nurses escorted me to a solitary room where there was nothing but a training mattress on the floor, a stress toy for you to hit against the wall, a security camera and a window that you couldn't see through for another nurse to look in and monitor you. I hid underneath the mattress, pulled out some sharp shards of plastic from my pocket that I got from a plastic spoon that I snapped into pieces and previously attempted to cut myself with in the bathroom but only left scratches, and started cutting myself as hard and fast as I could while crying and thinking of my family, leaving four cuts on my left wrist and one or two on my right. One of the cuts looked red as if it were about to start bleeding, but didn't. I was let out shortly after, and none of the staff noticed. While I was there, I was interviewed by forensic psychologists who asked me a bunch of questions, like the type of music I listened to, whether murder was okay, etc. And I gave them fake answers in an attempt to get out sooner, and they also gave me a Rohrschach test, which I also lied on, giving happy answers rather than the dark stuff I really saw. I talked with my doctor about it later and they said they were unsure about me. So I saw a different one in her office, and she was asking me about metaphors, and I couldn't understand or explain any of them. And while she was interviewing me, I got distracted by the edge of the table and tried to block it out (OCD?). Eventually, I got tranquilized again during a panic attack, after I kept ringing them up and this time they had to use two tranquilizers instead of one because they've never seen a patient take so long for one tranquilizer to work on than me. This time my reaction was that I became thirsty, feeling dehydrated and more anxious. But thankfully by this time, many of the asshole patients left and the new ones were nice and understanding. While I was there, I became so anxious that I felt physically ill. I had panic attacks on an almost constant basis, thinking my organs were rupturing and all kinds of other stuff, didn't get to go outside the whole time I was there, making my skin pale and didn't let me trim my beard or even cut my fingernails. By the time I was discharged, I had stayed there for two weeks and six days. 

Then prior to me being committed, I had started smoking weed and cigarettes with my cousin on April 1 - 3rd. On the night of the 2nd or early morning of the 3rd, we went outside on the back porch to hit his water bottle gravity bong. I took four to six hits, and basically overdosed on whatever laced spice shit he was smoking. I started noticing flashes of objects after I looked away from them, then once we went inside, I started feeling a static electricity sensation building up from my feet up into my thighs, and as I sat down, laughed, had a seizure, after snapping out of it, was still involuntarily laughing uncontrollably, I had terrible migraines that felt like my brain was being squeezed, I had some weird nausea that made a pin on a high striker feeling in my esophagus as if I were gonna throw up (I didn't), my eyes were bloodshot red, my heart was beating a mile a minute, I tried grabbing the phone to call 911, but he grabbed it from me, then I tried looking on the laptop to see what the hell was going on but he took that too. I actually combated that nausea feeling by blowing rhythm into a cup, which he asked me to stop. Eventually, he turned off the light and we both went to sleep. The next morning I felt incredibly relieved that the high was gone. Also, as for the cigarette part, initially I hated cigarettes and said I would never do them, but after hitting it that first time, liked it, and only picked up the habit sometime later that year whenever I got bored and wanted to find household ways of getting high, so I just started stealing cigarettes from my grandmother and basically became the chainsmoker that I am now. 

After I had been released from the mental institution, I learned that my 8th grade English teacher had left a concerned voicemail on my answering machine about me. 

As for other things that happened before and after, my 8th grade Spanish teacher had contacted my mom twice about the things I had been looking up on my iPad regarding suicide methods and the Boston bombing coverage. Also prior to me being committed, I got caught in class taking pictures of this girl I found attractive. I also had a wobble when I walked, which even a teacher made fun of. Another thing I remember was that I pretended to hang myself with a school ID, which made a music teacher concerned about me. As for one last thing I remember, I went to a parent-teacher conference with my mom and basically the teachers had recommended me for a special education class due to my erratic behavior and failing grades, and after my mom drove me home, made fun of me, calling me retard and special ed kid. 

After I left that hospital, it was already summer and I barely passed the 8th grade. After school started and I entered my freshman year, I started going to a different school from out of town. It was so far away that I had to take a short bus to get there (which my mom also made fun of me for), and every day I slept through all my classes because I had to wake up so early every morning, had insomnia, and my mom was taking all of my Adderalls, since she would hold onto them for me supposedly, but yet I was running out within a week, capsules started turning up empty after I looked through her purse, and she would literally give me EMPTY CAPSULES in the mornings. As a result, I failed the ninth grade twice and dropped out in 2015. 

Also in 2013, my nextdoor neighbors introduced themselves to me on my yard unannounced. The first time we met, they made me steal cigarettes from my grandmother's van and give it to them. From this point until about 2015, we would get into constant fights, they would bully me and steal shit from me, and on one occasion, they drove me to the local IGA to steal cigarettes for them (more on that later).

In 2014, this year was pretty much just a continuation of last year, although not quite as bad. From what I do remember, I got caught shoplifting twice. The first time after I tried buying a pack of cigarettes, the lady asked for an ID, I left, then returned with my backpack and attempted to steal a few beers, got caught by the lady, they had the police come over and they drove me back to the school that was right in front of this gas station, and they called my mom. I remember going back home that day and there was a power outage and my bedroom door was locked, so I just kicked it in and fell asleep. The second time was after I FINALLY got caught stealing packs/cartons of cigarettes from the IGA, after some staff noticed so they directed the security camera where I was stealing them at, and they tracked down the location of my grandfather's credit card and the police visited me late at night while my neighbors were over. I had been doing this for at least a year at that point. As a result, I had to do arbitration and community service. 

In other news, my neighbors made me a firebug after they showed me how to set a grass fire with all the dead grass that was in my yard with a lighter, so I just started doing this on the grass and the dead trees that they chopped off, and one time after I did this, I stomped it out and left, but the wind picked it up and the fire spread towards my neighbors shed, and I didn't notice this until my brother and I along with my grandmother were in the laundry room and he noticed a HUGE fire burning out of control in the backyard, which we put out with a hose along with the help of those neighbor kids I hung out with. 

I also started e-dating girls off of this emo dating website, and one of them I would call on the house phone for literally hours at a time while we chatted, and she eventually would friendzone the fuck out of me for some ex-turned-fiance of hers. Me and her bf went at it on the phone but nothing ever came of it. I dated some other girls after we parted and I eventually left the dating game after I hooked up on FaceBook with some niece of my aunt's husband after she ghosted me. Speaking of this, while the Isla Vista killings happened that year I looked up to him in my sexual frustration as a virgin, told my mom about it and she then went and told everybody else about what I told her. From that point onwards, I have not come to her about anything for help since. 

Also, I got into two fights with my mother that year. The first time was after I tried stealing a cigarette from her purse at night, she caught me and followed me into the living room where she just started flailing on me, so I started fighting back and hit her in the head. The second time was when I was on the computer at 3AM in the morning and she caught me up that late and just started slapping me all over while yelling at me and telling me to shut it off, all the while I was struggling to close the tabs and shut the damn thing off because she kept slapping me everywhere. I then picked up my dishes and headed to the kitchen. My anger was at a 100 at this point. While we were in there, I started eating some tuna, and tried starting something with her again because I was still angry, and the next thing I remember was that I was standing in front of the refrigerator, turned around and punched her square in the chest so hard that it sounded like I cracked her with a whip or something. She then came at me, and had me up against the kitchen counter, so I struck her again in the forehead with the side of my fist, so she then picked up a spatula and started hitting me with it, leaving cuts and welts all over my forearms after I put them up in defense. She then called my dad the next day, telling me she wished she never had me, and my dad got mad at me, yelling at me, choked me up against a wall but that was about it after my dad drove me to my aunt's house. 

And now for 2015. This year was a reboot of 2013 basically. From what I remember, many things happened this year. For one, I got committed again twice, the first time for breaking the handle off my grandfather's gun safe after previously sawing through another one in an attempt to get into it, so my grandfather and mother called police on me and had me committed for a little over a week. The second time was after I went in the car to the Walmart with my mom and asked her for a pair of shoes but she just exploded on me for no reason, and she berated me to and from the Walmart. While I was at the Walmart, I tried to deescalate by getting the police involved, but they said there was nothing they could do about it. While to and from there, she spit venom at me and called me every kind of slur you can think of, like gay, faggot, queer, child molester, crazy, psycho, etc. And while we were on the way home, I threatened to stab her in the face, so she called up the house using the fakest tears ever and by the time we got back home my anger was at a million. My uncle and grandmother were both on the front porch, so I pleaded with them that she started it, all the while she didn't seem to care and just told me to shut the fuck up, that I was a wimp, pussy or whatever. So while she was walking up the steps, I finally lost it and suckerpunched her in the jaw, breaking it and knocking her the fuck out. Then my uncle wrestled me against the porch railing while I was screaming thinking that I had killed her and after she got back up crying to her mother and went inside, he let go of me and threw a chair in frustration. My mom called my dad, but while that was happening, I was still concerned that I could've done serious damage to her, so I phoned 911 and they had me committed for a little over two weeks. While I was committed the first time in 2015 between late July to August, I met some cool guy in there and we related in that he was sent there for blacking out after taking Accutane pills and saying that his dad had him committed after he called him up threatening him. I was taking Isotretinoin cream at the time which I think may have contributed to the outburst. The second time I was committed in 2015, I met some hermaphrodite and gay boy there who I really liked, but we stopped being friends after I forced myself onto one of them and they put me on detention for a day. Nothing really remarkable about either visit.

Then I had a close brush with the law again after I made a threatening post on Yahoo Answers threatening to kill my entire family and the FBI visited me but they didn't have me committed or pursued any legal action. 

I also got put on disability after my dad recommended it to me so I told my mom and grandmother about it, so my mom took me to my doctor and she told him that I was going to spend it all on drugs, so she got it. During this time period (from 2015 - 20 when I finally wrestled it out of her greedy hands) she would not give me any of the money, said that I wasn't allowed to have any money, threatened me on at least two occasions whenever I tried calling up the social security place and when I tried using the card to buy an app and she quit her job at the Country Club under some bullshit excuse that some guy at her job was "sexually harrassing" her, even though she hasn't applied for anywhere else and basically lived off both my disability money, food stamps at one point as well as my child support. It wasn't until November 25th, 2019 after I switched counselors after my last one said that I couldn't get it transferred into my own name because I "didn't know how to budget" and was underage at the time I got put on it when during an episode of anger, I told my new counselor why I was upset and she started a process of getting it into another person's name, which was an organization after my doctor at the old place I was transferred to where I was counselled at previously didn't want me to have it for some reason, so now my mom no longer has that money anymore as of July 2020 when the checks stopped coming. 

In other news, I started experimenting with all kinds of various drugs, like nutmeg, DPH, DXM and Benzedrex and started going to Adult Ed after dropping out of 9th grade. I graduated a year later. 

As for one last development, I got caught with illegal porn that I found on Tor on grandfather's computer. I was looking at it since the age of 13 by then. I eventually destroyed the hard drive in a fit of panic. 

So yeah, that covers 14 years of my story so far, I'll do a follow-up in the next post.