I am always anxious. I screw up and I fear this will always be the case. I never learn and feel useless. I feel my colleagues must think I am a joke. The errors are basic and I don't know how it happens. Every now and then I get a glimmer of hope, and everything seems fine. This may last a few weeks, but then reality reminds me how I am not good enough. Everyone else is competent but me. I look at my friends and they seem to be doing ok. They probably see that I am a useless fraud and wonder how I got where I am. 

I worry if they really like me. I have no reason to suspect not, but my anxiety digs and digs, as it does with all things. So when something goes wrong it seems like a catastrophe. It's the proof that my anxieties are grounded in reality. My brain is always on the look out for disaster, through fear I might get ahead of myself.

I don't know how much longer I can cope. I am too embarrassed to speak to friends, I don't want to burden them or make them feel like I am a sad loser and a joke. I don't want to upset my parents. But every time something goes wrong I spiral into despair. 

Part of me wants to die. I can fend this off with the hope that things may change or reminders of what family would think, but the more this happens the more I think it won't change and I won't prove myself to be anything but useless. More and more I keep listening to the part of me which says to kill myself. I am scared I will lose that resolve.

I already think of death. At the moment I would rather be murdered, since that stops me being at fault and from chickening out. The only thing that makes me feel calm now, during my bad times, is thinking of my friends killing me. Having someone I care about do it makes me feel happy. Like it would be an act of kindness and I guess my negative thoughts about myself has made me think I deserve to be hurt by someone else, especially those I bother with my pathetic existence. Though, I know they won't deep down.

I just needed this off my chest.