My SO is a really sweet and caring person since I met him. He’s very calm and I always thought there might be nothing in this world that could make him angry. 
But later I realised I am really good at pushing his buttons. I got diagnosed with bipolar and borderline personality disorder recently and a lot of damage I have done to the relationship is so much due to my condition. I demean him, belittle him and sometimes even slapped him during my episodes. He never hit me all those times but definitely held resentment because in our last few fights he increasingly got violent. Once he shoved me saying are you gonna hit me come hit me. The other time he responded to the slap with a slap and this time I was having a panic attack and he dragged me by pulling me from my arm all the way out of the apartment in the middle of the night. 
After that we separated and he apologised and said that’s the last thing he wants to see himself doing in a relationship. My brain started thinking he was never abusive before but started acting like that after my constant episodes directed towards him. I have started therapy and work on myself so I don’t continue this behaviour ever. I’m just so torn between guilt and thinking maybe it’s all because of me.