She wants me to advocate for myself. I struggle at it, I always have. I bottle it all up and it creates resentment between us. I fuck and I know it, but I don't know how to explain my issues. Admittedly, I have tried before and made me feel invalidated. I see learned patterns in her too, but she's meaner than me. She hurt me again today, but I deserved it this time. My therapist said I should try to talk to my wife. I want to. I think the edible will help soften my tone, but may cheapen my sincerity. 

In any case, I'll apologize for what I can recognize. I'll try to explain my isolation, as I have no friends to speak with about interests my wife doesn't share, no like-minded folks to enjoy geeky hobbies with. No one to talk to when I am having a disagreement with my wife and need to vent. She has friends who live hours away and she talks to them daily about her interests and frustrations. Her friends traveled across the country for her 40th birthday recently. I was home alone for mine, because I was divorced, had no friends, and a universally and totally all-too-common bad relationship with my family too. She enjoys her job and has meaningful relationships with her coworkers current and former. I've never been happy and yet, it apparently is because I "just expected someone to hand me my dream job because I am a SWM."

She said I think only I deserve to be depressed. I'm beside myself now and want to lash out, but it is pointless and I may as well just ask for a divorce if I am gonna be an asshole. If that is the case, I have nothing left. I'm the problem, always have been, always will be.

I don't know how to tell her how bad my depression is. I play it down, but it makes me hate myself for being depressed. I feel irrelevant and useless. I don't deserve shit. How do I tell her any of this? She will hate me too. 


That's me deciding the results in my head, creating self-fulfilling prophecies. Asking to fail by believing it's all I deserve. She called me out on being a quitter and not fighting for myself more. Her own ex manipulated and abused her enough to deplete her of patience for self-loathing bullshit. She's right. I do want to quit because I don't have the balls to start anything. I want to tell her how much i feel like I'm struggling. How overwhelmed I am. How every day I could either break down into tears or completely lose my shit. My nerves are shot. I've felt this way many times before. I've never been able to tell anyone this. 

If I tell her any of this and she tells me I'm wrong, I don't know if I'm interested in doing any of this anymore. I've already Googled inpatient facilities near by. I feel like I'm overreacting. I just don't know what I'm feeling anymore.