I feel like I fight really hard to get out of this diagnosis and I know that over the years I’ve made really good progress. From getting myself away from triggers, recognizing when I’m being manipulative and when I’m sabotaging. Seeing myself try to mold into whatever someone wanted and hoping it’d be a enough. But I also still hate myself a lot and I still catch myself being manipulative towards my partner for my own selfish reasons because I’m insecure. I guess I don’t really need to give a reason as to why I do it, I know why. I watch myself and sometimes I don’t even feel bad, sometimes I just feel nothing and then later I feel like killing my self. 

I think I play it really well, but I’m mentally ill and I guess my medication reminds me that. 

I feel like I’m reaching really hard, for once, to be better. To not be put into the category of being unstable. I put routine into my life, I manage my life and work well. I still hate myself a lot, I hate everything about myself and I do believe I’m a horrible person. Which makes me have these horrible thoughts about my partner leaving, switching up, hurting me, fake scenarios and thinking for him. Creating his thoughts for him in my own head. 

I just wish I had a better way of thinking when things get stressful or change. I wish I was at the top, confident and able to look into being undiagnosed or something?? I don’t know. I don’t want to be the victim anymore.