Hi there. I don't even know where to start. I am 32. I was doing okay. Sometimes good even.

The past year has been shit. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong.

My marriage is going to shit bc he could not stop bringing up my past for years.
I had to get eye surgery. Almost wiped out my savings. 
I lost 23kg and yet, when I look in the mirror, all I see is wiggly fat (180cm, 73kg).
I drink more than I should.
My car broke down twice and I had to have it repaired which was very expensive.
And then recently, after visiting the friend mentioned in the title, an Uber driver touched me inappropriately and since then all the past trauma resurfaced. Everything that I had successfully repressed for years.
I engaged in all types of self-destructive behaviors that I can do here. I don't even have ideas anymore. It's almost like I've done everything there is to do. 
And a few days ago I completely relapsed and started cutting again. 

A few days ago we were out for two days bc he had some family over and I know them (we are expats living abroad). We talked and he told me when we are back home (was in another town) he wants to continue our talk because he is deeply concerned about me.

I sent him an email telling him everything that happened. And it's a lot. He said it doesn't change a thing about our friendship. 

Yesterday I went to his place after work.
We talked. A lot. And we drank. And in the end this fucking monster inside of me came out. It showed its ugly face for maybe the last half hour I was there.
And of course he couldn't deal with it. How can I blame him? 

So I did what I do best. I pushed him away. I made him angry. He was so done. He basically asked me to leave. Which I can understand.
It's just not how I imagined our goodbye, our final meeting.

It hurts so much. So so much. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Today I have my second psychiatrist appointment as I was put on Zoloft 2 weeks ago. I feel like it doesn't do shit. And on Friday I am flying on holiday and meeting my best friend and my brother there. Why? Because part of me knows this is a fucking farewell tour and I just want to see them again.

I am not even sure why I write all this and it's not even "all" as I tried to make it as short as possible.

BPD is a bitch. It's a monster that eats you inside out and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I am sorry for every single one of you who has to deal with it.

And I hope you will make it.