Just forced myself to wake up from a dream. I can do that if there's something nightmarish about it or makes me feel uncomfortable in some way. It's weird, though that I just did it and what I was feeling.
I was at some kind of party and Scarlett Johansson was there. Somehow I suddenly was in bed with her. She was being sexually assertive. I remember her in some way guiding my hand to rub her pussy and I remember feeling her pubic hair. I couldn't handle it and my conscious mind forced me to awaken because I felt guilty or ashamed (I still can't identify which or if it was both). I knew I was dreaming but refused to let myself enjoy having sex with Scarlett Johansson, even while knowing it was a dream. 

Disturbing and upsetting that making love with Scarlett Johansson made me feel so uncomfortable in the dream that I forced myself to wake up -- while knowing that I was forcing myself to wake up, and not only feeling something negative/uncomfortable within the dream, but feeling ashamed enough in the "conscious" part of my dream (shell outside a shell? The part of your mind which knows you are dreaming)  wouldn't let me have the pleasure of making love to her, even while knowing it was just a dream. 

 Now I feel guilty, less for feeling guilty in the dream in the face of a pleasurable situation (although I do a remaining touch of that guilt) but for responding to the dream-guilt by feeling guilty/uncomfortable enough to force myself to wake up. It hard to explain. I felt guilty and afraid in the dream. I felt guilty enough to wake myself. Now I feel guilty about not being able to let myself self experience pleasure even while within the dream knowing that I was dreaming.

Now I feel ready to fall back asleep, which I will do in a moment. Probably just to escape the now,-conscious sensation of discomfort. Guilt and shame for being manipulated by guilt and shame to wake up from feeling guilt and shame for having a pleasurable feeling -- for being loved and for being made love to.

Being unable to experience pleasure within a dream. Wondering what that says about an unwillingness to feel pleasure and to feel emotionally intimate in my conscious life -- Scarlett was being truly affectionate. I wasn't being used. She was giving herself to me not just to enjoy herself, but to express her desire to make me feel loved, even if only temporarily. She wanted to get me to feel emotional connection, to feel loved, to feel less alone, and I could neither handle it in the dream but now feeling unable to handle it in my conscious life... Circles within circles within circles of self-abnegation.

Why can't I let myself feel good even in dreams?

Anguish.

With luck, I'll dream about something unpleasant, something negative I deserve to feel or experience. I feel very fucked up. Eventually, it'll pass, but I'm going to be chewing on this fodder for a while. I do feel like this will happen again and again, both in dreams and waking life. I can't imagine letting myself feel good, enjoy life or deserve to feel or experience anything good or self-caring or swlf-valuing.

 What do you think of all of this? Does anyone have any advice?