Sometimes, well now more often than not I think my social anxiety is beginning to cause depression. I've had social anxiety since I was around 10-11 years old. Even before I started to have social anxiety though and didn't care what people thought looking back I never really had any close friends and even though people somewhat liked me I used to be the one who put all the effort into my short-lived forgotten friendships. I find myself still doing that now with the online friendships I have currently. Ever since 5th grade all throughout middle school and high school so far I have not made a single friend despite being in the same school district for 7 years. I'm a sophomore in high school, and while I might been friendly with some people in the past, I've always somehow never really been enough for them no matter how much I tried. Some people would tell me "It's not that I don't like you, it's just that you don't talk much." Well then I tried forcing myself to talk more and sometimes l'd repeat myself over twice just to be left ignored or unheard. I would willingly go out of my comfort zone to participate in extracurriculars, ones which I have genuinely enjoyed but even if I took risks to reach out and we talk we never reach past the acquaintance stage and again I end up forgotten. Even if I got to a point where I managed my social anxiety well enough this makes me think that I don't even have the potential to make any close friends in the future because there's always going to be someone out there more interesting to them than I am and l'll never live up to anyone's social standards, let alone my own.

It's funny how I feel like people don't care about me yet I still have this extreme fear that they're judging me. I could've sworn there was a group of girls glaring at me at and whispering about me at some point and taking little steps to be around other people, and make myself feel exposed to others has done nothing but make me feel even smaller in the end. I think my social anxiety has been getting worse rather than better. I spend my lunch breaks doing homework in the library and even there I fear other people might be watching me and judging me for being alone. I recently started new classes with a heavier schedule and I already have several presentations/group assignments to worry about this week. I've signed up for honors classes, not really realizing the amount of collaborative work and presenting I would need to do. And I can never feel comfortable enough to tell my teachers or even my parents about my social anxiety because they would find a way to use it against me. I feel like I'm going to end up miserable for the rest of my life. It's funny because I used to always think of myself as an optimistic person. But now I realize that it doesn't matter how hard I try or what I do to change, social anxiety will not go away will not become more manageable for some people like me. I mean l've read some of posts on this sub and some adults have around 20-30 years old seem to still be stuck with this crippling fear of socialization. It doesn't get better, is what l'm quickly starting to believe each day. My grades are going to take a toll because of my social anxiety. My lack of motivation in creased because of my social anxiety. I feel my entire future just going down the drain and sometimes all I want is for time to stop because everything is moving way too fast for me to be even capable of handling. I have to worry about college soon. The amount of stress school has put on me with extracurriculars, time management, presentations, group work, loneliness. I don't know how much l'm able to carry. I don't even know where to go from here to be honest. I know that it’s only bound to get worse as I get older though.