My girlfriend of five and a half months now.. we were planning for her to come up here to visit in a bit. I've been with her twice now, in her state. Planning. Me, to move in there. Everything was.. perfect. She constantly took screenshots of me because she said I was the most beautiful creature. 

Tonight with zero warning she blocked me on so many different things and said "do not look for me"

I am falling apart. There's a huge part of my head that says I want to die. I'm trying to ignore it. I called and someone answered, pretended it was not her phone. 

She knows about my anxiety. I don't think anything good happened but I don't know. 

I don't.. do anything, so I don't understand what I could've done. Or what she did. Or why this is happening. 

I don't understand, Char. 
I don't understand. 
I'm trying to drink enough to maybe numb it. Maybe just hope she'll reach out and explain. Right now I want to fall apart. She said fight for me if I push you away. 

Her family is no help. They hate me. Her mom lied straight to my face, her sister just hates my guts. It's about our age difference, apparently. I get some dislike, but sheer hate... 
It's not like I went out of my way for a younger person. She's nineteen, I'm thirty one. I know people are gonna think that's not okay. 
I just need to say all this. Maybe she'll see it. 
Char, please at least explain to me why you changed your mind. Please. If. I don't know what's happening and my head is

I want to not be here. 
She was so excited. What happened. All I can think over and over and over and over and over and over. 
I'm sorry. This is a useless wall of text. I'm terrified. I'm tired. I am trying so hard to focus and function.