This is going to be an "off my chest" type post. I need to get this out. This sub seems great, everyone is honest with their feedback. I hope you can offer me some insight.

My ex is diagnosed with PTSD, from an abused childhood. Her mother was her only family, and she beat her with a rolling pin from her earliest memory, to age 13. 

She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but I strongly suspect it. 

She fell madly in love with me too fast. Within the first few weeks of dating. It felt weird to me, she barely knew me. 

We were together for 4 years on and off. The last time was 1 year, where we lived together.

She could be AMAZING. She was sweet, intimate, loving, sexual, thoughtful, and generous.  I never felt so much love as she gave me. When she was happy, she always wanted to be touching me. 


Some lowlights:

Berating me in public, over some small comment I made.  For example, she always bragged that she was an excellent multitasker.  One time we were talking and she started ignoring me for texts. I felt slighted, so I said "how can you say you are a great multitasker, when you can't text and talk to me?". She exploded.  She yelled and berated me on a public street, drawing a crowd. 

She punched herself in the face. When our fights reached a peak intensity, she would let out a blood curdling scream and repeatedly pound her own face.  I would grab her arms to stop it. Then she would bang her head and bite. 

It would end with her collapsed and sobbing in my arms.

She always blamed me for her episodes of self harm. She said I wasn't sweet enough.

Once she held a box cutter to her neck, and threatened suicide.  I wrestled it away from her.  Later she called my parents and told them *I* held the knife to *her* neck. 

She would make sweeping changes to her preferences.  Once she told me she liked gangbang porn, because "the woman looks like she isn't having fun." I was obviously a little disturbed.  Months later she told me she only watches guy on girl porn that is sweet and loving.  When I mentioned the gangbang thing, she blew up at me. 

Sometimes we would be sitting on the couch watching TV.  She would take issue with something I said. She would clearly be upset by it. I would change the subject, try to make her laugh, be sweet.... she wouldn't let it go. She would get more and more upset until she was sobbing, shaking, and blaming me for being a bad boyfriend. 

There were times she would be in my face yelling at me.  I would be in a fetal position with my head buried under a pillow, just wanting it to stop. She would rip the pillow away and keep going. When I would try to leave our apartment, she would physically block me. 

Sometimes she would be terrified of me. She even said she knew it was irrational, as I had never raised a hand to her or threatened her at all. 

She always told me her exes were all better boyfriends than me... how much better, sweeter, and more loving they were.  I honestly used to do some epic romantic things for her (cook, fix her apartment, presents, surprises, trips...) none of it was ever good enough. 

She always told me her exes put her on a pedestal, and I treated her like an equal. She didnt like that. 

She would lie about huge things.  She got pregnant with her ex, and had a miscarriage (she claims). She told him she had an abortion. It still hurts him to this day, 6 years later.

She would always push me away.  I would chase and chase, and she would push harder.  One time she literally ran away from me when we were visiting Manhattan for a weekend. I could not find her all night (in a city we didn't live in).  The next morning she was in our hotel room kissing my ass and apologizing. 

I was stressed out for our entire relationship.  I started drinking every day. I would have panic attacks.  I couldn't concentrate at work. 

We broke up when she caught me drinking after I had promised to stop.  She was in my face like she wanted to fight me. I just wanted it to stop. She refused to even stand a couple feet away from me. I fucking collapsed in a full blown panic attack.  

She turned everyone against me, even her therapist. She had convinced them I was a volatile, verbally abusive partner. She had me question my own sanity. 

We've been apart for 9 months now, but my confidence is still shit.  When someone gets upset near me, i still feel panic.

 She quickly moved on to a new guy (she always does, she stays single for exactly one month after a break up. She's 31 and had 9 serious boyfriends. She dumped them all.  They all ended with the guy devastated).  She claims her and the new guy have a connection because he is a combat vet with PTSD.  She claims she is calm with him. 

I honestly worry that when things get bad, that guy will kill himself. 

I needed to get all that out.  I was hoping this sub might offer me some insights that can help me survive. I think I've been legit depressed these last 9 months (we broke up in August. We now live in different cities. There is zero risk of seeing her, and she has me blocked on all media). 

Thanks for being here guys.