

It's been a long road to get here and it's going to be a long road to get where I need to be. I've been posting a lot about my favorite person lately (you know, in case no one noticed lol) but I've been pretty lucid since I finally journaled about my childhood trauma today. I won't go into specifics to avoid triggering anyone but I realized the pain I feel when I have a favorite person, especially one who doesn't want me romantically, as is the case right now, is the exact same pain from my childhood abuse. I always said I cry a certain way for my favorite person and that's how I was crying today when I tapped into that pain. I have autism and my dad never understand why I needed different things and acted out when I couldn't get those needs met so he punished me emotionally for it when I was really just as confused as he was and needed him to hug me and tell me it's ok. I always wanted my favorite person to love me and take care of me the way my dad never did. They tend to be people who give me a lot affection, like my dad did, but then when they don't want me romantically I'm drowning in feeling not good enough for a variety of reasons, all of which were given to me by him and reinforced by society. I feel this disconnect that tears me apart. How could they say all these things and not want me? What's wrong with me? Why can't they love me? It's the same disconnect I felt as a kid when he would tell me I can do anything, that I'm amazing and special, yet he didn't want me unless I was perfect and lived up to that.


So now I come to my current favorite person. She doesn't want me romantically but she is the most kind and loving friend I could ever ask for.  She's been so patient with me since I discovered I have BPD and told her that she's my favorite person. I truly do love her. Before she was my favorite person I wanted her to be happy no matter what, whether it was reciprocated or not, and that's what love should be like. Not the need and obsession that I felt when I assigned her the role of caregiver in my mind. A role which, ironically, she's actually willing to take on and has just in being my friend. She loves hugging me and she's said even if I break down it would be ok because she'd be happy she was with me. But for me it wasn't enough unless she wanted me all the way, even though I didn't even really want her that way from the time we first met in person. I just idealized her online self. So going forward I know I can't completely rely on her but I really do want her in my life, even though I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm not going to always be lucid like this. I'm going to get triggered and I'm going to get lost in my trauma again. One session of journaling isn't going to fix this. But what I'd really like from this post is some tips on making a favorite person relationship work, especially when they're not your significant other, and maybe some success stories. Because I know when my trauma comes knocking again I'm going feel like it's never going to get better. Like I will always be miserable if I'm close to her. Like I need to leave or suffer forever. And I truly don't know what to do when I'm like that. I try to hold it in and not reach out to her but it hurts so bad. It feels like I'm faking being secure when I'm dying inside.