I want to be the happy couple who lives each other dearly
Instead i am the one pushing away my partner because i just hate myself and i dont believe that anyone could ever love me.
NYE was a quite talk with my partner that i dont want this relationship anymore. That he doesnt love me. The talk were you want to other one to break up but deep down you only want to see and feel that he/she cares about you.
All others around us were happy and kissing and i was just my "mr hyde" self.

He doesnt know about BPD and i dont want him too. 
Now i am laying in bed alone. He is downtown with friends(i have a cold thats why i went home earlier)

How can i break out of this? Do you know this?
I want to love him and believe that he loves me instead of pushing him away. I want to be the happy couple :-(