It’s very on brand that I recognized my symptoms, took my knowledge to a licensed professional, and came away with what I already knew to be true: I have borderline personality disorder. 

Things have always felt a little off. My relationships have always consisted of me attracting narcissists or people with intimacy issues—even friends with extreme entitlements that drained me, and my empathy. It got to a point where I found myself acting out of character, deeply internalizing their actions. Even if I was justified in lashing out at them after their mistreatment, my reactions were often disproportionate—which I never felt bad about. I began to feel it was my job to punish people for the way they treated me. And one second I wanted all the love, all the friends—the next I would want nothing to do with anyone (I exhibited extreme signs of splitting). 
I mean, I got married on a whim at age 23 and was already over it by 6pm that evening, where I had a crazy fight with the guy I’d married (we separated 5 months later). And whenever I meet someone new, I’m either really disgusted, or I am COMPLETELY INFATUATED and over analyze everything they say and do. It overtakes my life—even if I can be over it in a week, and acting like they don’t exist.  And as the years went by, my anger would turn into rage, and any little thing could set me off. At the same time, it’s mostly internalized (and I take it out on myself by spending a lot of money, binge/restrict eating, etc). I’m certain i have Quiet BPD. 

There are many tragic public figures suspected to have BPD (Marilyn…Amy Winehouse), and I have always deeply empathized with them, even without knowing what BPD was at the time. Regardless of my history of unstable relationships (which has me now feeling like I’m better without anyone in my life at all, tbh), my unstable sense of self is my most extreme symptom. Each day I wake up telling myself I need to be ‘something else’, and come up with a new mask to wear, essentially, so that I know how to exist in the world and feel like somebody. If something upsets me, next thing I know I’m up at 3am with red lipstick on, fully dressed, prancing around my living room pretending as though I’m the greatest thing to have ever lived. But by noon the next morning, I’m telling myself I’m empty, and life is meaningless. And then I get this burning sensation in the pit of my stomach—like I’m being pulled into the void. 

This probably seems like rambling. But that’s just a slight look into my brain. 

But I’ll say this: Having a diagnosis has really opened my eyes. I feel like I’ve stepped into a new universe. 
It’s so crazy. I always thought there was just something within me no one else would understand. A dirty secret. 
However, now, my responses to things are already different. Knowing what’s wrong with me  already has me on the proper healing track.