Nobody suspects anything because I’m the goof in my friend groups. I joke about how I would end it but nobody realize how damn close I am…

(I understand if nobody got time to read but I need to vent)
My boss told me to stay at home for a month with pay. I refused at first but she told me my colleagues are worried and I need to rest. 

I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember, as a child I struggled with anxiety attacks and abusive parents. They were nice sometimes when I behaved, but believe me they are very authoritative, til this day I can’t disagree with my father on anything. It ends up with him knocking me down to the ground while spit and angry words come out of his mouth. I guess you can blame me because none of my younger half brothers got to experience this hence they don’t argue with anyone. 

My mom brought me to Norway to live with her boyfriend when I was about 2yrs, we came from a 3rd world country and I was always grateful and looked up to him very much. I adored him even and people always said they couldn’t believe we’re not blood because of how alike we were. That made me so proud. Until I reached my late teens and started questioning his sexism and how he mistreats people overall. It’s impossible to tell you everything in detail but believe me, if you’re not macho and super straight - he’s going to make a fool out of you to put it lightly. He made me cry when I was 12 with an grade A for an essay about gays (karma that my youngest brother is so fkn queer tho 💀). My mom’s Norwegian is very mediocre and every other day I hear him give her shit for communication problems and that’s the least thing she has to endure from that man. 
I knew from an early age that I had mental problems with daddy issues, being bullied and beaten in school for being brown but every time I asked for therapy he brushed it off with “your generation is so weak just push through!” This is the response I got for 95% of my problems but I focused on the good 5% for the majority of my life. 

My therapist sent to psych once last year and I promised the doctor that I wouldn’t kill myself for the sake of little brothers, the younger one is having similar problems but without my temper. My mom is really trying now though, she became an empath after I told her how shitty I feel and I hope they do better for my little brother before it’s too late. However after I told the doctor how my childhood was she said that she saw some narcissistic traits in my father but my mother comes from another country and it’s just a culture thing. She even apologized for the physical and mental abuse she put me through. 

Because of my absent parents nobody noticed that I struggled in school as soon as my mom couldn’t afford to bribe me to good grades anymore. I almost failed high school after getting in with the highest grades. I’m waiting to get investigated for ADHD but the wait is so damn long and I can’t stand this anymore. I’m so tiny, like 45kg but I have the max dosage on Zoloft and I still want to DIE. 

I have “smaller” credit card debt too and I’ve even considered selling my body/escorting so I can get back on track with life but at this point I’m ready to just say FUCK IT and leave. Maybe I’ll stage that I fled the country so my fucked up dad won’t be able to tell people that “I was weak and only weak people kill themselves”. Or maybe I’ll come to a point when I stop care and just hang myself. I just want the best for my brothers. I want to be there for them but because of our loveless childhood it’s kinda hard to have an emotional connection with each other and it’s often a very weird and forced aura. I love them though, with all my heart and I dream every night about them being toddlers again in my arms while I cry and apologize for being a shitty big sister. I should’ve been nice to them but the kid I was years ago honestly didn’t know how to be kind and gentle. I’m trying my best now but I keep remembering how mean I’ve been to both my brothers and boyfriends. Like, I was really fucking psychotic from time to time but I can’t take it back. I just don’t know if I’m a good person and honestly I think a lot of people would be better off without me. People will mourn and be sad at first I understand that but I need to just get out of my misery because I can’t stand living with myself. 

You don’t need to come with tips on how to get better, believe me I’ve tried them all, therapy, drugs (prescription and I’ve been smoking weed since 17).  Now when I read through this I feel like I didn’t give you the picture of my family dynamic at all but all I can say is every kid in our neighborhood was scared of my father and every parent thought he was weird for leaving my mom with everything and never showing up for his kids. 

Thank you if anyone’s still reading.