I just want to get that out of my brain, no one can help me with that. I've been trying to find a psychiatrist that actually cares about my issues since years. All the psychiatrists I've only gave me higher doses of antidepressants or just other ones that are more extreme. That only made my symptoms so much worse, that I felt even worse. They say I can't get a real diagnosis or therapy. And then send me away and say to me, I should study online, when I'm not able to go to university since two years.

I've been asking every DPT-therapist around my city, I couldn't even pay to regularly drive there, but I'm so frustrated, that I can't find a therapist. They all tell me tgat they are full and won't put me into a waiting list.

Other therapists also don't accept me, I bet because I have BPD.

I don't take my antidepressants anymore. Maybe I walk slower again and fall more often into a hole, but I don't feel that anxious, stressed, terrified and I'm able to cry.

Well, so I'm crying all the time now. Can't comprehend the pain. I still don't get the reason why everyone of my friends get sooo easily a therapist and a psychiatrist who cares about them. Even those who have bpd. And I'm struggling with this since years. Telling them, I won't get accepted by anyone, am self-harming again, have episodes where I have severe suicidal thoughts ... but they still don't care

My boyfriend is there for me. The only one.

My whole family and my "friends" give the biggest shit about me. My father still only e-mails me when it's about money, writes cynically and tells me to work, even if I've been tested and I'm NOT ABLE. I would, if I could. I hate getting money from him. I don't want ANY money from him, but I need to pay rent and food for my cat.

I've been telling my brother since years, NOT to tell me about his self-harm, and he's ALWAYS telling me about this. Showing me th scars, even if I'm REPEATEDLY telling him NOT to show me, NOT to tell me. I've NEVER did this (and I've been struggling so much earlier, longer with it, not to mention that I have scars all over my body). I haven't seen him since months at that point, because he couldn't stop sexualising me.

My father did this (still, if I had contact), my stepmother did this and my grandfather. I was a small child, when that started. My brother actually sexually assaulted me as a child. And makes jokes about this around my friends.

I've been severely traumatised as a small child, physically, psychologically and verbally abused. Again and again, from actually anyone. At home, at school, from "friends".

Well. I'm an adult now. I want to stop thinking about it.

I'm sorry for writing this. It's probably wrong to post it here, will be taken down or something since it's only a rant or something. Excuse my bad english.