And now I’m depressed and I feel like shit because I am shit. I’ve told him since years ago that I’m going to ruin our relationship and I’m going to make him regret being with me. He took it upon himself to blame himself for pissing me off. And I kept telling him that I am the one who’s turning him into me because my mom turned me into her and he has nothing to be sorry about. But he won’t think otherwise! What the hell is wrong with him! I’m trying to tell him he’s not the problem, I am! He is a victim blaming himself. What horrible shit piece I am. I don’t deserve him. Sometimes I wish something happened to me and I would just die and I would free him from loving me. I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept fantasizing that I just died. But you know what the sick part is? I couldn’t help think about him dying first from some freak accident and then me planning his funeral and the day of his service, I go into the garage and turn on the car and poison myself. Because if he were to die, then that would be the reason for me to finally kill myself because I can’t do it if he’s alive. I just feel so bad. Why am I saying this out loud? Because it’s anonymous and I need people to know that I am a horrible person, but I don’t have the balls to say it out loud to people who know me. Because there’s a piece of me that hopes that one day I can be proud of who I am and put away this shitty monster for good. It hurts to hope