So, I'm not diagnosed but I've basically lived in this grey, empty, joyless space for a large part of my life since my early teens. I "function" reasonably well, have a full-time job, etcetc. But I've basically lost all hope and I think the full-time work is leading to burn out, so I can't really recover from depressive episodes like I used to be able to. I started councilling which I find useless but I'm also waiting ro meet with a clinician to get diagnosed.

I've been seeing someone on and off for 3 years. She has PTSD and depression and is very heavy into substance use and recently started injecting opiates ontop of alcohol and cocaine. There's almost no support network where we live and I'm her only friend who doesn't struggle with substance use. She's surrounded by it everywhere she goes. Her parents are also abusive on top of drinking around her everyday.

She almost died during the last period we went with no contact. She uses almost daily and I'm deepl afraid for her life. 

With the burnout, the hating my job, and the worry for her, I'm more hopeless and dead inside than I really ever have been. The depression has gone from flat-line emptiness for most of the time to an even split between flat and explosively, nihilistically depressed. I can't really remember what it feels like to feel joy. The few times I've felt it in the last few years were almost surreal. A tenseness in my chest disappeared that I didnt even know was there until it was gone. 

Does anyone have any advice or something? Has anyone here been with a partner who's basically committing longterm suicide? Idunno I'm just so dead inside and was wondering if anybody had anything helpful to say. Or even a book to recommend.