I went through a major depressive episode that ended about 6 months ago. I’ve been doing a good since. I can handling my emotions, I have more confidence, and for the most part I’m happy. 

Recently however I’ve noticed my thoughts were going into a darker direction. It’s been hard for me to describe but when I think about the future it seems futile to me there’s nothing I desire from life and I feel empty a lot of the time.

 I’ve been getting these dark thoughts and I subconsciously start digging my nails into my skin (an old sh habit of mine). I’m so much better than I was during my major depressive episode yet I get these intrusive thoughts and urges to sh. 

I’ve found myself questioning if I made a mistake by getting help. If I had just ended it  then it would of made sense I had reasons and on top of that I had been vocalizing my pain and getting ignored. If I do it now it’s so out of the blue and there’s not real reason. 

I don’t want to end it, I don’t want to self harm, and I’m glad that I’m still alive yet I get these intrusive thoughts and urges and I don’t know what to think about it. 

I thought I was getting this way because of the stress from finals but I’ve finished then and now it’s stronger. 


Anyone’s insight on this is very appreciated.