I was formally diagnosed months ago, therapy is hard but I'm working through it and seeing improvement already. 

But yesterday I think I had a mini-epiphany, regarding the way I react when I'm upset around other people, mostly during arguments with other people and especially my SO. 

My pain was always extreme when we fought. I would distance myself from him, saying that I felt unlovable, that I hated myself for being uncontrollable, that he deserved *so much better*. A lot of the time he would feel guilty for hurting me so much, and comfort me. You know the whole cycle, right?

Well, that happened at the start of our relationship, but in recent times things began to fracture. He said I couldn't come to him when I was feeling incredibly low, only to resist every single piece of advice or comfort he gave me. I would reject everything he said and get angry that he didn't help "enough" or in the exact way that I wanted to be helped. He should just *know* exactly what I needed to feel better without asking, *right??*

Then he said he couldn't handle our arguments anymore, and I couldn't figure out why. 

But now, I think I do. 

As much as the word "victim complex" gets thrown around by people who don't know much about BPD (think dating websites, ex-partners ranting on other subreddits), I'm inclined to think they're right, in my case anyway. 

I never thought I had a victim complex. I never thought I dealt with my negative emotions and other people's reactions to them in a particularly unhealthy way. 

But at the same time, I expected people to read my mind and know exactly why I was upset. I expected people to always be sympathetic and comfort me without me having to say a word. I expected people to avoid hurting me because "I hurt enough already, *dammit.*"

The best example of what I do is this:

I once spent three hours sobbing my heart out while next to my boyfriend in bed because we'd had a small argument. I don't even remember what we argued about. But I remember crying, and although I said to myself, "you're crying because you're in so much pain", deep down I made sure my crying was loud enough for him to notice. Loud enough to wake him up and make him feel guilty. Loud enough for him to reach over and try to comfort me, only for me to refuse that comfort because I felt like I was *so alone* and that if he really cared about me he would've helped long before, or known exactly what I was thinking and tried to help *before* I could get into the emotional wreck I was in. 

But you know what? During those three hours, I never once rolled over and actually tried to tell him why I was so sad. I never once asked for a hug or a kiss or some sympathetic words, even though he would've gladly given them had I honestly asked for it. I was never once blunt with my words and told him exactly what I felt he'd done to hurt me, and solutions for moving past it. Instead my intentions were cruel: "make him feel guilty so all the blame of what happened is lifted from you and placed onto him. Make him feel guilty so he comforts you. Or, at the least, get attention from him so he can comfort you."

This is a very hard truth for me to accept. I never quite realised I was doing this, almost every single time we had an argument. Or maybe, I just didn't want to realise, because that meant I would have to take responsibility for my own actions and face the fact that sometimes, I wasn't a nice person. Sometimes, it was my fault, too. 

I don't know what exactly this post is trying to say. It's part-vent, part-confession, part-hoping some people will be able to relate to what I've written. 

I know i can't accept responsibility for the thoughts and feelings I'm always going to have. But I can start accepting responsibility for my actions. 

Anyone else gone through something similar/can relate? Do you have any advice on what I could do to get better and out of this victim mentality?

**TL;DR:** Post explains it better, but I realised I have a victim complex and I would like to know how to move past it. 

EDIT: I posted this at like 3am and woke up to my inbox flooded with replies, I'll make sure to read all of them. Thanks everyone. 