I have chronic, lifelong, treatment resistant depression and anxiety. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to support myself anymore.  If I can't support myself I will have no way to take care of myself or live. Living in a shelter is not an option for me. I would be miserable. Not worth it.

And I'm so incredibly scared.

My place of employment closed when the epidemic broke out. I collected unemployment for 9 months. For five of those months I collected more than I made at my low paying job. I was so *incredibly* thankful for that time. 

I worked that job for decades and hated it-  really and truly hated it (I didn't hate it when I was younger, it was OK).  But it's just not a good fit for me. It's NOT a job for introverts. Not a job for middle aged people. Not a job for someone that doesn't want to do something meaningless. Not a job for someone that wants the world to be a better place. 

As the nine months on unemployment drew to a close I actually started a little online business to make a bit of money. This is something I NEVER, EVER would have done before because I wouldn't have thought it would work. I wouldn't have been brave enough to try. But a coworker started doing it so I realized it was possible. And it went surprisingly well for the first 5 months. I was so thrilled. I started to feel a little better. I had hope for the first time in decades.

But it's inconsistent and I can't quite get over the hump.  I keep advancing and learning. I keep thinking after I learn this or incorporate that it'll push me into a steady place. But all the recommended improvements just give me a slight bump. Almost enough. But not enough.  It doesn't look like I'll have enough to pay bills next month. 

I just can't go back to my old job. I really can't do it. I'm too depressed to just figure something else out. I have a college degree. I just need someone to help me figure some things out about myself and about the world.  I've tried therapy. I want an acceptable job to fall into my lap because I don't have the energy and insight to figure it out.

 I'm all alone. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. I have absolutely no one. No one. I wish there was help.

I'm so scared