Last year I was able to actually be free of my depression. I had help medicine therapy etc. And I was glad. I was able to be proactive again and all considering the world situationn and I was happy. Fast forward to this year and I feel like I'm not motivated to do anything. This past month I've just played videogames. Sleep schedule is a mythical concept for me and I barely interact with people. I feel like I'm just going downhill and I never would've thought that 2022 would be much worse that the past 2 years and its affecting me. My self image is still okay but how I think of things is getting worse maybe even worse than before I was free of depression. I dont go out a lot, no point really I dont have a job and like I said hard to interact with friends and even if we can they're busy with their job. I literally just feel like I'm doing things because I need to not because I want to. I feel like I just want to stay in bed and sleep but I need to eat because I dont like my stomach rumbling. I want to stay and play video games but I need to do something to help out in the house. Stuff like that.

All of this just brings my productivity down. I've always had this thing where I couldn't push through and do my 100% on anything especially in the creativity sense. Now add that to all the shit up there and my creativity, something I was still proud of even when I had depression feels like at an all time low. I pick up my drawing tablet and I go blank everytime. I keep asking myself where the hell did my creativity go? Because I was still able to come up with things when I was depressed but now.. and it's the same with anything I do. And maybe from an outside POV I might look lazy ass who doesnt go out, I feel like my family and friends are thinking that about me or maybe that's just paranoia I dont even know anymore but.. I do feel like I'm fighting a battle up in my head constantly and I have episodes where I just freeze up at times and just breathe heavily and everything. I'm interested in psychology you know yet even knowing the signs as I got interested because of my depression and hoping to pursue an career based on it to help people who struggle with the same thing I cant control it. I feel lazy but I dont know what to do. I feel unproductive I dont know what to do. Hell I feel like these are one of my episodes rn and I'm just freaking out now. 

I dont know who I can talk to and for them to understand. There was one who I felt like they did. They said "I've been depressed for so long that it's hard to adjust to do normal things." And honestly facts. I had that initial high if you will that I'm free from depression but I think the hole and not being able to adjust fully is what's messing me up even more than my initial reason for being depressed even more and I feel miserable. I can only really find through happiness in things that make me forget my problems. Anime movies drawing videogames. these things make me forget about my problems but that doesnt mean I consume them healthily. I don't and I'm aware yet I dont know what to do else.