TL;DR at bottom.

I've been working on my diagnosis and going to therapy for years.  My ups and downs have been good, job stable, relationships stable, I'm on meds that have really helped. So day in and day out, I'm very high functioning, to the point that it can be a real problem for me because I tend to think I can handle it... until suddenly I can't.

Now, I'm doing this as a throwaway because I did a very bad thing and I feel terrible. It was something I never have done before and I'm simultaneously scared that I was capable of that AND that it happened so easily. I feel shaken and it makes me feel like I may have been not doing as well as I thought.

So, in short (and slightly vague), last week I was at a holiday party for a company my company works with, a company I have a personally good relationship with and they've actually are helping me advance my career. Because they like me. Of all things, that's the hardest part to imagine. But I've been working with them for about 6 months now and... well, I slept this that company's boss after the party. I'm way past my crazy college days of going home with whomever (and even then, it was never really a common occurrence for me) and though I have really enjoyed talking to this guy in the past, I wasn't harboring a crush or anything. In fact, I'm so embarrassed to say that he's married. That's something I never imagined I was capable of. I despise cheaters and I just became one. 

I have had a week to kind of digest what I did and it's been waves of guilt and shame. I would never have normally slept with a married man, but there was some booze and his interest in me was overwhelming.  More than the booze, that was the most intoxicating. Even sadder, it wasn't the cheesy come ons you'd imagine, it was that he really admired my intellect and what he's seen I was capable of via work. It was like a heroin dose of approval. I was willing to do whatever. And I did.

So I told my partner and came clean and honestly, I'm okay on that front where I know this would be a huge problem for others. My partner and I have an open relationship. He also is aware that I'm BPD and what I've gone through to get where I am. He is totally in agreement that this was definitely not a good choice I made, though.

What's really sending me all over the map still, however, is work. I'm answering e-mails to this person, I have to meet up with this person at another event after Christmas. And it feels like every direction I could take has a consequence... I could try to maintain being friendly, but that might lead him on. I could try to let him know that will never happen again, but my own career opportunities might be hampered, etc.

Worse, and this is the real kicker is that... I still like his interest in me because it's really validating and I keep finding myself thinking about e-mailing or contacting him to keep that validation going.  I haven't done that and I know I shouldn't. I have made a point not to take any non-work related contact. But I've scared myself with how this all suddenly happened and I really feel I don't trust myself that it can never happen again. 

TL;DR - Doing great and suddenly slept with a married man at a company party out of the blue because he was really validating. Terrified that something like that could have made me slip so easily, putting my career (and personal morals) at risk.