I feel like there *has* to be something wrong with me. I can’t just be this mean, awful person from “learned behavior” growing up. But I can’t stop myself when I get in the situations that get my anger going. I just have this **need**, to attack, to be more hurtful, to win the fight, even though outside of that I know it’s wrong. I had about 8 counseling appointments in the last few months and tried being as honest as I could about it, but wonder if I was honest enough. She ruled out me being bipolar or BPD, but they both seem to be what I feel when I get in those moods. I have been so awful to the one person who kept trying, and I kept trying to be different, but it just seems I can help but let the little things consume me. The thoughts that they are over it and moving on. The feeling that any little thing they do or say is purposely spiteful and they don’t care about me. I had a coworker I loathed who I never acted out at, yet I unleash the absolute worst on the person I claimed to love more than anyone before. I just hate being stuck in my own head. I feel trapped. I feel like I need to go back to counseling or therapy, but what if I really am just a shitty, awful person. When I was lashing out recently, the person told me to “grow up, we all have our own problems” and they are right, but I just don’t know how to not be this terrible person. I have had strategies given to me to work on how I react and how I treat others when I get in that mindset, but I for the life of me can’t slow down and actually allow myself to do them. I just get so latched onto attacking, and defending myself. I just feel insane some days. I just can’t stop from causing hurt and pain. I’ve done this relationship after relationship, and nothing I have experienced, thought, or done have changed anything in the slightest. I feel like I’m always going to be this person, and it just makes me so sad and down. I know I’m in control of how I act and what I say, yet when the time comes, I never allow myself to take control of it. I get consumed every time by hate and anger and just let it out on them. I know I’m supposed to be my own best friend, but I just hate myself that I can’t stop being this person.