I want to be a part of this community, I want to be a part of any community. But I also don't. I'm struggling so much that I cant believe I am still holding it together let alone alive.

Everyone around me is quite literally telling how proud they are (even my friends) at seeing me getting better and going to therapy. But I have just been falling sideways for the last 10 years. And it was really obvious the first few years, until I learned how to "fall in style". Now everyone thinks I've completely changed my life, when in reality it has gotten so absolutely out of control that I just pretend my life doesn't exist and focus on other people's.

God damn im losing it and its genuinely scaring me. I don't give a shit about my life but I give all the shits for everyone elses. And I am turning into something that I don't want to be or agree with.

Specifically tonight, I am dealing with these waves of PTSD that are making me physically sick. And I keep going back to Afghanistan. And I have absolutely no where to escape to. And it's so much right now. 

I feel sick. I'm watching peoples bodies falling apart in my head over and over. And its a movie I have watched before, and I know i shouldn't watch it. But I cant look away. So I'm just watching them break open and fall apart