Title is the basis for my issue. I've typed a bunch of different things to post that I never have and had this thought in general. Does it ever actually get better? 

For the most part, I hate myself. If I could pinpoint a time that it felt like everything in my life shifted, it would be college I guess, but there was a couple years period of time that I just really don't like who I was, felt like a bad person, had bad things happen to me, just things in general were the worst and idk if that actually shaped who I am today, or if its just a bag of things that happened that don't actually matter but I just know that I used to be a super imaginative, motivated young extroverted kid, and now I find myself as a miserable 31 year old who is introverted with no motivation and a ton of confidence issues. 

Part of that is obviously my own fault, giving into bad habits, not having friends, etc. But I would always kind of tell myself to just focus on me, eventually it will happen for me, I'll find someone, but just focus on yourself and be happy. To an extent, it did somewhat work, I had a period where I said yes to everything, found some new motivation, and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I got in the best shape of my life, I had a lot more friends, I was traveling outside of the country, generally felt like I was "out" in the world more....and yet, everything persisted. I just found myself feeling super alone around friends, or super alone on vacations, or outside of the country, realizing that while I had done cool things, nothing had ever changed, I still felt as shitty as normal, I was still completely alone, and still am. 

Then it goes to recently. I was convinced that where I lived was a major problem. All the friends I had were moving far away in the state (3+hours), getting married, or leaving the state all together and the friends I was traveling with lived in another state. Well I wound up getting laid off from my job at the start of covid, and through a crazy event of circumstances, I got an offer and compensation to move there and decided fuck it, I'm 30 but why not do it? Well it was kind of stupid, I am now in a place I have some amazing friends, and have been brought into the group from my mutual friend in the group. But everything has still been very different with Covid. I've been here for about 1.5 years, and I've explored practically nothing. I've had zero dates, and again, I feel completely and utterly alone. I can't discuss it truly with friends or family back home because they want me to be happy and moving home wouldn't make me happy. I can't tell my friends here because same thing, they want me to be loving it here, but I'm not, hopefully its the pandemic, but idk, its been tough. 

And then I have all this thought about it even being worth it. I don't feel I want to live here forever, but I also don't want to lose all these friends I've made here who I think are good people for me to have in my life. Then I worry about how to date seriously here if I don't plan to live here forever, family is important, but what if they care more about their family than mine and would never move? Do I just waste years on that? Or how does it change my entire family dynamic if I never moved home? That feels incredibly sad too? Idk, I'm obviously rambling now, I could go on forever, but the point being that despite "changing" the base feeling of complete shit has literally never changed. Telling myself it will happen for me eventually is obviously not true, because it hasn't, and never will, and I don't know if I'm just destined to never find anyone and just be purely alone. It just feels like something that will never actually go away and it kind of has me scared that this "life" I have is the life I'll live for the remainder of my life and that really fucking sucks.