I’m having an episode bc of upcoming exams and lack of attention from my fp. We texted a bit today and than they didn’t replied until know because they participated in a hobby. 
I feel jealous and abandoned because I sit at my studies since a week now, do nothing else beside studying (I know this isn’t healthy, should try to do some sports or painting tomorrow). 
I stayed calm on the outside when I texted back, said I am glad they had a good time. But on the inside I am so sad, jealous, want to be loved by them and hugged and everything, but I can’t tell them and it breaks my heart. 
I feel like I will never be loved and seen and it’s because of this damn condition. I was so close to verbalize the feeling of cutting of the friendship again besides the fact that I wouldn’t be happy with impulsive decisions like this. Feels like I can hardly trust myself these days. 

How can I be happier with myself to prevent these negative feelings such as jealousy of the other person's life or the fact that others do things without me and enjoy life?
I don’t want to be an asshole, I really want to feel joy for other people, but often I catch myself just pretending. I also have strong urges to hurt the other person but mostly manage to subdue hurtful behavior. But it makes me feel depressed and even more lonely because I am not able and allowed to show how I feel. I want to enjoy life too! 

I will work through a DBT manual after my exams and my stationary therapy starts in August. I’ve waited for this particular therapy since 2,5 years and I am so nervous. 


Do you use skills when you feel unseen and abandoned? If yes, which one helps you the most? 

What thoughts and affirmations can reverse the thinking and make me understand that I am a meaningful person, even in my worst episodes and that the other person still likes and values me when they do things without me?