Hi r/BPD, I am a 19-year-old girl and have been wondering what the hell has been wrong with me ever since I was little. I grew up in an upper middle class mixed race family. My mother was extremely submissive and my father (Never close and always battling in a power struggle with) was very controlling and had attempted to raise my sister and I in a military fashion. My sister stopped visiting when I was around 14 years old, we were never close. In fact, she preferred to keep her distance throughout our childhood. My parents were and are actually amazing parents. They did everything they could for me to succeed but I don’t believe they were equipped to handle a personality like mine. 

Growing up, I would go up to complete strangers and lie about who I was or anything that I could make up off the top of my head. I would lie to my friends, family, teachers, anyone really. Most times I would lie to impress the individual I was speaking to and then again to cover up holes in my stories that they had pointed out, then other times to make others feel better about themselves.  Any time I was caught I would feel an intense amount of shame and guilt that would leave me repeating the humiliation in my head. (This continues to happen, and has only become worse – now it makes me outwardly pause, shake my head and  say ‘OH MY GOD.’ If the feeling hasn’t gone away I cringe and shake some more until I can function. This is a HUGE problem, especially since I glaze over when people are speaking with me and I’m left dumbfounded in almost every conversation.

I was also very jealous and vindictive (I saw was very loosely). I would lash out (Uncontrollably) to teachers, friends and often my parents. I would hate to see any attractive female since at this point in my life since I was heavier set. Being heavy came with perks though; I had fantastic breasts at a very young age. This attracted boys, and I became obsessed with finding a boyfriend. 

Feeling very insecure (because of the extra weight) I lapped up any attention I could get from any man. This didn’t always turn out so well, when I was a little older than 14 I was in my best friends room and her 28 year old brother at the time came in and proceeded to ‘teach’ me to preform oral on him. She was sleeping in the bed next to us and still hasn’t known. This was my first kiss and sexual experience and I didn’t feel a thing. Afterwards it felt as though it wasn’t real or that somehow I made it up to (I created so many lies that by this time I was starting to act as though my lies were really true).  This is a strange instance, I generally ALWAYS feel like the victim.

How bad could these lies really be? Very bad and I had destroyed my entire reputation in school. First year of high school I really came into my looks and for the first time strangers were stopping me on the street saying how breathtaking and unique I was. Boys voted me hottest grade ten and I thanked them by hooking up with more than a handful. Although I’m not proud, I gathered all my confidence from male attention.  Girls hated me, but I did manage to collect a small group of girl’s who were drug users and promiscuous. My impulse control with lashing out had always been bad but I had managed all throughout high school to not smoke a single cigarette or joint.  This was only because I felt stupid for the way it made me cough.  Cocaine and ecstasy on the other hand were fine. I would go on weekend bingers with those girls.  We were the hot mess girls of the school, and I never had so much fun. But I was constantly talked about and this made me paranoid to what every person thought or said about me. I’m still very vulnerable to this. If someone says ‘I have to tell you…” I’ll stop them and say, “If its about me I don’t want to hear it.”

This is when the mood swings became unbearable. I would dread going out at night, and would have an empty, not excited feeling about most things. I was either very happy/bubbly or extremely angry or a walking waterfall of tears. I had tried to kill myself at 3 times – all ending with me puking for a few days. 

I exploited everyone I knew by gossiping about him or her, even if I genuinely liked him or her. Including my first real boyfriend. He was a lazy stoner who had been kicked out of high school. I put everything into the relationship, left school, moved in with him and his deadbeat father. 

I became overly dependent and he was the first one to end it. He begged to get back together but I had met the man I’m with today. He is everything I could ever want. He is exactly the same as me (Manipulative, overly analytical and intelligent, competitive, quick tempered, selfish, something to prove) except for he is overly confident, has integrity and is extremely well liked. We met at a door-to-door company during the summer. 

 I was seeing a few of the guys there (One of which was his friend) but I had dropped them all once I knew he was serious. Again, I put everything into the relationship. My whole life revolved around him and I loved it. I had never been so happy, I felt complete and like I was in heaven.  He told me I was twisted and he has never met such a beautiful woman with such a sick mind. That always hurt me to hear. Any words like this usually send me into some sort of spiral. As soon as I found out he cheated on me with escorts on vacation everything crumbled but I stayed because the connection was so strong. I even moved across my country with him (for the second time, ANOTHER quick not thought out decision) after finding this out. His name is tattooed on my neck. It’s been rocky ever since but has only escalated recently to the point where he had repeatedly belittled me, called me names, left too many bruises on me (I’m 5’6 and 105. He is 5’5 and 167), held my neck, betrayed my confidence (Talking to friends about me, took drugs with me to gather information about my past and what sort of porn I watch). I began losing my temper the way I never had before. About three weeks ago we fought and I knocked him unconscious while he was pulling my hair. I saw him convulsing on the ground but did nothing. He woke up and we cried. We haven’t physically hit each other since, but he’s still very rough when arguing. 

My whole life I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t keep friendships and why my romantic relationships are so unhealthy. If ANYONE can please answer this let me know! I’m not sure how someone can have so many contradicting traits at once?

Examples:

I am a liar, but I preach others to be honest and how much I hate liars
I am extremely vain in the way I look but VERY insecure with inside or when people stare at me too closely
I can be the most giving person but then I feel incredibly selfish
I’m very intuitive and perspective to the faults of others but never let that stop me trust wrongfully trusting them (with secrets ect)

 Don’t get me wrong, I do have good intentions to start out but for some reason (Maybe being lazy) everything seems to unravel and then I am shown to be this sick, lying, jealous, insecure creep.

Though most who first meet me love me (Based on fashion and looks alone) they soon catch on that something is a little off. I can never connect and now feel to embarrassed and shy to start real conversations.

I just need to know – IS THIS NORMAL?!

Is anyone like me? How can I get past this and change? Is this a chemical imbalance or have I ruined myself? I’m extremely ashamed of myself and if anyone could talk to me and guide me through this I couldn’t be more grateful.


Thank you guys!
 
