First of i dont know if i am depressed or not, i just have a need to cry on someones sholders right now but i am not close to anyone like that. I dont want to be seen shedding a single tear by anyone. 

It's been almost two years since i finished highschool. Back then i knew i was a bit sad and would often think of my own death. I never harmed myself physicaly, only i fantasized about the ways i could die almost everyday. I used to be a very ambitious student before that. Everyone, including me had high hopes about my future. But then high school came and i just sort off lost interest in everything. At first it was noticable (to my parents) that i wasnt studying that much. My grades were all over the place, sometimes i got easy As sometimes i bearly got a passing grade. I couldnt sit and study like i used to before. I just didnt have a spark of willingness. Anyway as time passed i became a somewhat better student( in a room/class of 28 students i was on the top 4, granted mine is not a very competetive country).

I graduated(2020), i still wasnt excited about anything. I  didnt know if i still like math like i used to, i hadnt properly studied if for years. I decided to study compuer science(good job prospects and all that). I thought if i dont feel passionate about anything i might as well choose this. I finished first year. I got some good grades in half the classes, failed the other half.(In my country at least this Uni, its very difficult to fail a whole year,since you can sit on an exam quite a few times). I told my mom that i want to drop out and that i will find something else to study. This conversation was very difficult for me, i made it as short as possible, tried to look normal and casual even though i felt like a failure. We never spoke of this again. When the email to comfirm that we are attending second year came, i waited till the last day but i confirmed anyway. I didnt quit. But i know that i HAVE to drop out, im just not gonna pass. I still have half the classes of my first year  plus the second year. I didnt attend most of my classes this year. When i am asked how i am doing/feeling ...
i just try to give a convincing positive answer and change the topic.

Everyone thinks that i am doing okay(not flourishing, but okay). I am not. I constatly feel like a failure, and what used to be passive thoughts about death have now consumed me completely. I just dont want to feel anything anymore. 
I dont have friends anymore. I never had one close friend, i was always part of a group and rarely hanged out with just one of them. They are all nice people, and its only my fault we dont talk anymore. I always felt like i was putting up a front, i was never 100%  comfortable with anyone, going out felt more like a duty or chore than fun.It was tiring, I always regreted going out. A few month ago i decided to cut ties, and i did. I know i am the bad guy in their story, since it happened unexpectedly and i didnt give an explenation. I feel sorry for that but i just couldnt try anymore.

I am not super close to my family, and thats on me too. I can never talk to my dad about anything serious, same goes for my siblings who are both younger than me. Mom tries to talk to me the most, but i still cant tell her any of this. I try to make the conversations brief and not deep. The last time i remember nearly crying in front of her is in 12th grade, when i didnt want to go an a school trip. We had gone shopping and  done some preperation, but later I told her that i am not going. She of couse asked me why. I said that i didnt feel like it. The truth is that i knew it was going to be overwhelming for me to go to all those parties, historical sites and so on, for a week straight, while i had never felt uglier and worse before.

This turned out to be quite long, i just needed to get some things out of me. Thanks to anyone who takes their time to read this. Going out now.