I'm a 36 yo M and I don't believe I have ever been happy. I lost my dad when I was 21 to a heart attack and I never really recovered from it, but had my mum and brother for support.

My brother moved away with his wife and I lost my mum in October 2019 in the worst way imaginable to a stage 4 brain tumour. She was given 12-16 months to live but only lasted 9 and they were the hardest 9 months I've ever been through. I took care of her up till she was so ill she had to go in a home because she made me promise her that I would not let her die in the family home, where I now live. And now I'm left looking after my 86 year old nan (my mums mum). I don't live with her but she lives around the corner from me so every time she needs something she calls me, and trust me a lonely 86 year old woman who has buried 2 husbands, 4 of her 5 children needs a lot (her and her only remaining son don't talk anymore).  

I have been diagnosed with Lynch Syndrome which means you have an extremely high likelihood of getting cancer at about 70% chance of developing it at a young age, it runs through my family and has killed my grandad, his mum and two sisters, my uncle and my poor mum who had bowel cancer and cervical cancer which she had beaten both until one day she couldn't move her leg properly went for a scan and was told about her tumour.  

All of my family who had this died young, not one of them made it to 60 yo, most didn't make it to 50 so if I'm lucky I could have about 10 years left.

I panic every time a landmark date comes around like xmas or my birthday, it just feels like time is speeding up and slipping away. I know we are all gonna die someday but we deal with it by saying its not gonna be today or any time soon. I'm having a midlife crisis at 36 FFS!   

I have never had a girlfriend and am still a virgin, hell I've never even kissed a girl at 36 years old its literally eating away at me. I asked my neighbour out last year and she said she was busy working 2 jobs but would love to go out another time, so I put a note through her door a few days later (100%) the wrong thing to do I imagine (Let me guess Beta! , Simp!, Small Dick energy!) I wrote I Didn't want to disturb her with her working so much but if you would still like to go out some time the offer is still there and left her my number. We have not bumped into each other since and she never phoned me.

I'm so attracted to this girl for both who she is and what she is. She's 22 a personal trainer, so hot, very pretty with amazing blue eyes. She likes A drink, I can take it or leave it but have never been drunk. But want to get wasted with her.

She used to smoke weed I used to smell it coming from her house but not anymore, again I don't smoke it but want to get baked with her. I feel like I have done and accomplished nothing in my life and don't have much of it left. And today I saw her with another man and it crushed what is left of my soul. 

I cant really take it anymore, I cant get motivated.

I don't Know if this is a swan song or a cry for help or just me venting.

But one way or another I think I'm done.