Hi! First time in abit posting on reddit but I Just need abit of help. Sorry If my post seems all over the place but I just can't formulate too well rn.

Recently I have moved to a new school system and What can I say other then It's perfect. I can use my stuff in class whenever I'm done and I'm allowed to listen to music. The teachers are nice and all of them are fun to be around and yet I don't think I feel happy. Recently I have had the same thing happen over and over again. Wake up, Go to school, And play the one video game that makes me happy (HOI4). Everyday I wake Up and I feel like school just isn't for me anymore. I don't want to go into an extremely long post on why I hate school But lets just say a lot of it has to do with Mental bullying and the idea of people knowing my weakness.

Everyday I go to school and Play the part of the Typical annoying guy who No one seems to like. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe people like me but I cannot tell what's real and what is not. Even then the half assed jokes get tiring and I shut down. This happens every school year since 8th. I go and I try to be a fun guy to hang with but then I start wondering. Is this me? Is this what I am? A part of me thinks it is me and that I am a person who want to be the typical jokester yet the other part of me wants to be the typical loner guy who reads Webtoons after finishing his work. I certainly enjoy it in the moment but the afterwards always hits me like a bullet. Then Comes the panic attacks. for days on end I will start tearing up before going to school or if I'm unlucky during school. If I cry during class or have a panic attack then I will break down and not want to go again. Everyone will hate the person who complains and is dramatic and cry's. I hate weakness. 

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Now That was in my last school but yet I don't feel changed. Sometimes I just wanna stay home all day doing anything but going to school. Maybe I'm just a typical teen who hate school because of the work!

I don't know anymore man. I'm tired of this happening. I Have everything I could want!!!

A Loving family, A good friend, A good school yet I can't let with the feeling it will crumble like always.

Even while writing this I panic. Not too much but to a point where I wonder if My shit even matters. their are people out their that have suffered more then me. The bullying was just mental and even then maybe I'm just exaggerating it. I don't even fucking know anymore man. I just want to Break down and live in my room all day. Become that typical loser who goes to his computer all day and never leaves. I already know my family secretly thinks that. Maybe they pretend they don't or maybe the really don't but my head cannot tell. The failure of a guy who perhaps had more to his life then his stupid computer and his stupid mental shit.

And Its all my fault because I know I can do better. I forget or even deliberately ignore my meds because IM TOO LAZY!

What do I do. I want to enjoy my youth and have fun before the inevitable next year comes where my life is signed away to the point of no return. I feel the unending dread of become a perfect person before my senior year. I'm scared because theirs much more I can think about yet little I can say. I try to speak but cannot formulate my feelings into words. What Do I do reddit?. How can I become a person who is happy and who has his shit together like he pretends he does?