I think I may have sexual feelings for guys who bullied or hurt me in the past. I know this sounds weird or wrong coming from me (20 F), but every time I think about guys from school who were mean to me, bullied me, or were the “tough guys” of the class, I feel like I have a crush them, yet I never want to see them again irl. If I do, I hope they don’t notice me and I don’t notice them. Even if they were guys who bullied me in elementary school, I still feel like I have a crush on them. Sometimes the thought of their faces and names pop into my head, and I try to search for them on social media, mostly on Facebook. If I see their profile picture, I easily get nervous and delete my search history, especially if they became “successful”. I feel like if I bump into them again irl and they do notice who I am, they’ll laugh at me or bring up stuff I used to do. 

I graduated from high school about 2 years ago, and I was always the shy, quiet, and sensitive girl who was getting bullied and rejected by most people. I hardly made friends and I never dated in school. Sometimes I get jealous of girls who dated or “dress well” in high school or before that, and I wish I dated guys and dressed “nicely” when I was in school. 

I know I’m a sick person for this and idk if this has to do with trauma, but think about people who hurt me almost all the time, and it’s hard for me tell let shit go.