I'm gonna start off by saying that I've never been diagnosed with BPD (haven't seen a therapist), but after doing research on my own and following this sub for quite some time I've come to realize that my thought patterns and behavior isn't exactly healthy or normal. And almost every post I read on here is just so freaking relateable. It pains me to see all these people talking about their struggles, but at the same time I find some comfort in knowing I'm not alone. 

My biggest issue is my obsession with a current FP. My FP is always a crush/love interest  which makes it all much more difficult. I'm currently completely dependent on his attention and affirmation to feel "normal". It's like my life doesn't have any meaning or joy without him and I can't find it anywhere else. Not even in friends or hobbies. I desperately need love and love only to fill the void. Now the sad thing is this guy doesn't even want me the way I want him and I'm totally aware of it. We dated for six months and we still talk every day, but he doesn't want to commit. I've convinced myself I'm not pretty or good enough for him so that must be the reason why, but I know he's a bit of a player too. Still, I can't stop obsessing over him. I'm always checking snapchat to see where he is and other social media he's active on. I do this every single day 24/7 and it's exhausting but I can't stop. I'm also insanely jealous of him and especially of women who are better looking than me. Honestly I just hate everything about myself lol.

I'm very ashamed to say this, but I failed all my exams this spring because I spent almost every day with him and when he was away I couldn't manage to get any studying done due to worrying about where he was and who he was with. Being with him felt like an escape from an otherwise shitty life and now that he's moved away I don't know how to cope.  It's back to being lonely and miserable again. The upcoming semester is really crucial for me because it's my last year at uni and in addition to writing my bachelor thesis I have to retake the exams I failed. I'm freaking out because if I don't let my FP go I won't stop obsessing and I'll fail again.  What I really want is to commit 100% to my studies, but I don't know how to do that without falling back into despair and loneliness...