Hello! My boyfriend (24m) and I (22f) have been in a committed relationship for 1.5 years now, and we've been seeing each other for a lot longer. It is kinda cool- it's a very healthy relationship, as healthy as it can go with me being BPD and probably psychotic and refusing meds and therapy. I am literally rotting in my illness, but nevertheless, we go along togheter greatly.

However, one of the main reasons I go totally nuts and literally try to break him and hurt him to the core is his past sexual life. He didn't have a lot of partners, just some (almost all occasional including some sex workers) and even if I do understand that there's nothing inherently bad in this and I do understand that it's normal, i just feel like... He can't be trusted? He doesn't love at all and wanted (and will want) other girls? He will forget about me in seconds? 

This is particularly bad because not only it led me into terrible splitting, but it also take all the trust away, and everytime he tells me he loves me i just go really psychotic and fucking cry and scream like a baby, because it isn't true, i just know. I feel like his affection is such a lie.
I don't know if it's because I am deeply traumatized about sex, but I just can't imagine someone going to bed with someone else- and then falling in love with me

Is somebody in here feeling the same?