Always struggled with depression and anxiety. Have manic episodes. Bipolar disorder has run my emotions for quite a while now.

I’d say I’ve made a hell of a lot of progress in the past few years. 
I’ve stayed on a relatively clean path, no legal trouble in a couple years. No self destruction. Just working and getting by. 

But shit just hit the fan. 

Over the past few months or so, all the fools I called my best friends I’ve known since a child have decided they no longer want anything to do with me. The circle ended a long time ago which is the circle of life, I just find it odd that around the same time they all separately made their own decisions to stop associating with me. I feel as though my own characteristics have to be the cause. 
For the past 10 months or so it was strictly me and my woman. I’ve known her my whole life, and I finally got her as my own. 

The last week Ive been losing control” which is more getting angry an acting on impulse. 
Me and my woman have been tearing each others hearts out fighting and my recent mindset is definitely a big part of that. 
She doesn’t know how to deal with me when I’m going through it 
And I don’t blame her 
I’m a hot headed psycho in these periods
 
Anyways 
I made a big mistake that ended in my arrest, the loss of my job, and the loss of my actual best friend. Gave her a shiner. The first time I’ve ever done anything like that. It makes me hate myself and I don’t even care about the legal aspects. 
Still have to appear in court so I may still get further consequences which is okay. 

The way I look at it I deserve it. I’m sure others would agree deeply.  

Im ashamed , and I’m more upset with the fact about how badly I screwed up. 

I feel like a lost soul and idk what to do. 

I managed to fuck everything up. 
And I feel so hopeless. 

I wish I knew a way to become the man I want to be