I was starting to genuinely feel a little happier and more on board with things. But things once again hit the fan. I failed one of the most important things in my life and I don't know where to go and what to do. I feel empty and I have anxiety attacks on a daily-weekly basis. I've started to have terrible sleep schedule because I would be haunted by nightmares of my past. My whole family keeps avoiding the issue, claiming its simple anxiety attacks and they are asking me each day about my relantionship status despite knowing that I am uncomfortable about it. I've been seriously considering getting anti-depressants but I am too poor to consider it right now. I've tried to kill myself already twice in the past months and I back down on the last step. For now, i am just resorting to escaping my reality but even that feels terrible right now.
I want to escape this hell but I can't bring myself. Why am i so stupid and incompetent?! Why can't I do one thing right? Why can't I grab life into my own hands for once? Why can't I cry when I to so badly, when I want to let it all out?...

I just want to disappear.