Maybe it’s just cause I’ve never had one. Maybe it’s just cause my only real experience with loving someone was pretty fucked. Maybe it’s cause deep down I know that even though my knee jerk reaction is to laugh at someone when they even suggest that I’d ever have a girlfriend and tell em “fuck that”, I’ve actually always been pretty fucking lonely and fantasise about having a relationship all the fucking time. 

But I dunno, it’s just bothering me at the moment. That shit seems to be everywhere you look. Stuck in lockdown with my mum and her husband right now, can’t fucking stand just hearing their conversations anymore. Feels like I can’t turn on a TV or play a game without seeing some kinda romantic subplot or some shit either. It’s in advertising, it’s in songs, it’s fucking everywhere. I’m just sick of the reminder.

Think a big part of the reason I hate it is cause their relationships all seem so… normal. I can’t even imagine having the same type of thing. I don’t even know how to describe it, it’s just a feeling, like the people I see are just normal people, worried about normal shit, laughing together, talking about what they gonna have for dinner, planning holidays and shit. And every time I picture myself in a relationship, I dunno, it just feels dark. I don’t know how to convey it properly, but it’s like it’s just tainted cause I’m in it. Like any relationship that involved me would be inherently bleak cause I’m an unstable fucker and my problems are not just regular problems. They’re constant, and persistent and crippling and usually don’t even make any fucking sense. 

I just feel removed from everyone else when it comes to this shit, like I’m just a black hole and if someone gets too close, I’ll suck all the light outta them too. And the only thing we could be together is a void. 

It’s just something I keep thinking about right now and it makes me pretty fucking depressed.