I was extremely depressed. I would spend my time alone writing in my journal, filling many pages a night expressing my feelings. I'd fill up entire books and then light them on fire, tear them apart, or drown them for a cathartic release.

I would make posts on here explaining how I felt, and how lost I was.

Then I met someone who changed my life. A mother of 2 who I immediately felt comfortable with. Things progressed and eventually she moved in with me. Her oldest was 6 and the youngest just 1 yr old.

I was scared. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. I didn't have any kids of my own, I never had even held a child. But their mother made me so happy, and immediately took my depression away. It's like when we met, my lows elevated to just normal 'bad days'. It was like magic. I loved her immediately for that.

I have my own problems from past traumas, and I'm not a perfect partner by any means. But I decided I was going to go all in on being the best partner and co-parent I could. For 3 years, every decision I made and nearly every thought I would have was based around the question "Is this good for my partner or is it good for the children long term?"

I devoted my life to them. I potty trained the youngest. I taught the oldest how to read, study, and do math.

I have a loving family, but until this point I had never come close to feeling the kind of love I felt for these children.

The youngest gave me a little pink bracelet of stars when she was around 4 yrs old. I've worn it every moment of every day since, as a reminder of what I'm working hard for.

This was my primary focus for 5 years. 

About a month ago, I found out that my partner was cheating on me. I confronted her about it and her response was to tell me how she was unhappy with me and then she took her kids and left. I haven't seen them since.

One morning I'm waking up playing with kids, goofing around and having fun with them, and the next night I'm sitting in my home alone and knowing that I'm never going to see them ever again. 

5 years or finally being happy. I would wake up every day feeling so grateful that the deep emptiness I once felt was gone. So glad to finally feel like I had a purpose and to finally feel pure happiness.

For nearly 10 years prior to meeting my ex, I spent almost every night writing about how unhappy I was. Almost every night going over the pros and cons of just ending my life.


And I've forgotten all of those feelings. And it's all come rushing back to me, and ontop of it all, I've lost the people that I have loved the most in my entire life.

I will never see 'my daughters' next birthday, let alone the day she graduates. I will never get to see 'my sons' first sports game or help him build his first computer.

This life is so unbearably cruel.

I am so scared of the future. Everything was so much harder before. And now I'm back to square one but with the additional weight of having lost everything I had devoted my life to.

Every night I'm alone and no matter how bad I feel, there is no one to comfort me. I'm in so much pain.