I try so hard. I go to therapy twice a week, I do the workbooks, I check in with myself, I know exactly what I need to do to be a better friend/partner/person, and I want nothing more than to be that person but as soon as it comes down to it I throw all logic out the window and resort to manipulative, toxic, nasty, mean behaviour. 

I'm hurting everyone around me, my partner has so much anxiety and pain from all the past arguments we have had. Not even just the big arguments but the little day to day things where I behave like an asshole because I can't deal with the stress or the overwhelm. 

I feel like there are two people inside of me: the logical one who wants to be good and kind and supportive and knows how to respond to things with compassion, and the other person who is full of so much hate and rage and trys to self destruct and destroy everything with the smallest recognition of tension. 

I feel crazy and hurt and so desperate because I can't keep being such a disappointment to myself but I don't know how to make actual change.