This March, I fell in love harder than ever before in my entire life. I had a great time with her, and I slowly became comfortable with her, so I told her that I have BPD. She seemed to like me despite that. I decided I'm going to make this work, no matter how hard it is. I gave it all in and decided to improve myself. I decided I am going to try DBT, but didn't yet got to do that. I stopped drinking so much, I almost completely quit smoking, I stopped doing weed, started exercising, found a job, etc. Every minute I spent with that woman, I got the impression that she is falling for me too. And I was the happiest man in the world.

That was heaven. Then hell came.

She had a boyfriend, I didn't know at that time, but continued to tell me that I would make for a great partner and that she is single, gave me a lot of compliments which I so needed. Then, about two weeks ago, her boyfriend called me and told me to leave her alone. I realised that she was faking everything. She doesn't reply on Facebook anymore, doesn't pick up calls, nothing.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to be hospitalized for a day because I wanted to kill myself. The woman who I loved abandoned me completely.

So, here I am, smoking like hell, drinking, listening to some music in hope of making me feel any better, crying myself to tears, waking up in tears, not sleeping well, having nightmares, being irritable, splitting with everyone I can see, and generally being unable to feel good anymore or do anything which makes me happy.

Days go by, fly by actually, and I feel like I am not living at all. Just existing.

The pain I feel is causing me headaches and chest pain so great, that it's hard to even breathe.

I cannot live my life like that. I know there are beautiful things waiting out there for me, that is the reason I'm living.

I finally decided I'm going to try DBT. I have my next appointment set on the 18th of November. Also I need to get some antidepressants for the worst of times.

Oh, and please, excuse my English. It's my second language.