i genuinely don't care about anything i do right now and i've been impulsively having sex with random people for money. from an outside point of view it's definitely concerning. i don't even know what i wanted from this. i just wanted to feel something instead of being emotionally numbed. maybe it's because the person i like won't like me back. maybe i'm doing it as revenge, i thought. 

but no, i'm not doing it to spite him. i'm doing this to spite myself. i hate myself. i missed my period this week and i will be testing for whether i'm pregnant very soon. chances are that i am pregnant because my periods are usually very regular. i've already decided that i will not keep it as i am not going to be able to provide or do anything for it. i'll probably be shunned by everybody as well if anyone knew. being pregnant at such a young age is considered to be shameful, isn't it? to be honest i don't really care what others think, though. i haven't been caring at all. i just don't have the mental capacity  and a strong enough threshold to endure having a child. i don't feel anything right now and it's hard to make decisions. i should tell my mom. i don't want to tell her. i don't want to make her worry. i'm a fucking mess. i don't want any of my siblings to know that i'm such a fucking slut or a stupid whore to be fucking people for money. but i'm insanely depressed and can't think for myself, to be honest. my friends know that i do all this. they didn't stop me and said it was my choice. yes, it was my choice. but i wish someone stopped me. i'm an idiot. i'm a fucking idiot. i hate myself. i hate myself so fucking much and i wish i could do something about it instead of whining and crying nonstop about it. i just want to love myself. i want to have a singular ounce of self-respect for myself. but i don't. i don't.