I can’t do this anymore. I haven’t taken a single look at the stuff my therapist told me to look at. Its been two weeks and I haven’t even looked at the papers once. I don’t want to. I don’t want to be happy and I know I could never be anyways. Every day I have to wake up and get out of bed and it never gets easier. Every day I wake up with disappointment because I just wish I didn’t have to wake up. I seriously can’t do this all anymore. I haven’t talked about my actual feelings in about an entire year. I can’t even express what I’m feeling to my therapist. I just Internalize everything until I’m so stressed that all I can do this I lay in my bed and dread the fact that I will have to get up eventually. I don’t even want to sleep anymore because I know I will have to wake up. I feel so alone. I’m so incredibly lonely because I isolated myself from literally everyone in my life but I don’t even want to have friends because that seems so incredibly exhausting. Every time I get home from the internship I lay in my bed until I eventually wake up and have to go there again. I feel so bad because I’m mean to everyone who even tries talking to me but I feel so stressed and drained and I am so frustrated. I hate myself so much. I wish I could at least tell someone about it, but I’m too ashamed to even admit that I feel just the slightest bit bad. I am ashamed of everything I have ever done, everything that I am and everything that I will ever do. I can’t do this anymore. I seriously can’t. I don’t understand how people can wake up every day and feel even just neutral. I don’t want to live. Even if how I feel right now is just a depressive episode and tomorrow morning I’ll still dread it and think I was dramatic, it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like this at least once every two days. I can’t go through this anymore. I can’t spend a single moment in my life peacefully and I’m so sick of all these people around me treating me as if I am okay. I hate myself so much. It frustrates me so much when I hear others give me „tips“ on what to do to feel better. I don’t even want to feel better, I just want to be gone. I wish everyone just forgot about me so that I could die without feeling bad about it. I’m sick of being asked how I feel by people I’m close to while they know I would never tell the truth anyways. At least stop fucking asking me stupid questions that I’ll reply to with an obvious lie. I feel so bad every day, not just miserable and depressed, my heart physically feels as if it’s hurting so so so much and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why I feel like this and I wish I could go back to only being tired and miserable because I feel so heartbroken for no reason and it just gets worse every time I look into the mirror. I haven‘t looked this awful in months and it just keeps getting worse. I resent my sister so much for constantly talking about my appearance when I was a kid. She always has to do something that makes me feel worse. Even now when she goes on about how easy my life is and how jealous she is because I have no stress. She doesn’t even try to understand and still tells me i should just workout to feel better. Stop treating this like it’s a fucking phase, I’ve been feeling like this since I was thirteen and I‘m eighteen now. This won’t stop, it didn’t after three years of therapy and medication, it won’t suddenly stop because I decide to go for a stupid run three times in a week. Ever since I’m on medication my family thinks I’m fucking cured and I’m sick of it. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to do things I‘m uncomfortable with to get better, that I need to become more independent to feel better and it’s annoying me so much because she’s just constantly pressuring me as if I willingly don’t try anything. I KNOW i have to do something, i just cant. I can’t do it and I don’t want to either. I just wish someone would kill me already. I feel so fucking trapped because I know i won’t kill myself so I will just be trapped in this awful torture until I die. For YEARS. i can’t even think of anything that could possibly be worse than that. I already know how I will end up and I will do absolutely nothing against it while I hate myself so much for it that I pray to get into a car crash every day. I know I’ll end up still living at my parents house, unemployed and stuck playing video games in my disgusting room. I hate myself so much. I don’t want to be a burden. I’d say that I would rather kill myself than be that pathetic, but I’m honestly on that level already. I hate myself so much and sometimes I even wish every being I cared about died all at once so that I wouldn’t have to worry about them feeling bad about my own death. I’m such an awful, mean and judging person. I don’t have a face or body to make up for it either. I’m just pathetic and everyone who still is with me doesn’t like me. They love me, but they could never like me.