I'm sorry this is gonna be long. I've no idea who I am anymore. One part of me wants to not live anymore but the other part of me wants to live. It's like I'm always torn apart between two selves, holding different opinions and I'm always confused. I've been sexually abused as a child in the past and my father had been (and still is) cheating on my mother with many women since I was 11/12. This hurt me very much, the most it hurt when he said he'll leave us for her. Although he didn't do that, the words hurt very much. I looked at him as a role model, now I've lost it all. I'm tired of putting up the "happy family" act. My mom doesn't wanna leave my dad. I hate myself a lot. Not only the things I do but also the way that i look, I feel like I don't even look like a human, more like some hideous monster. I am a worthless person, I used to be a good student, now I can't focus at all. I skip classes and I'm always doing nothing at all.  Lately I'm even forgetting all school works, and I barely make up to the dead line. I also struggled with self harm since past 3 years. 
My mother wasn't aware of my abuse so I told her years later because it became so unbearable I had to tell her I need help. That was 3 months ago. She agreed that she'll take me to a therapist but then ended up not doing that saying she needs to discuss it with my father first. Tbh I've been losing my mind since past 2 years and I even told my parents that I'm not okay and I need help. As expected by typical Asian parents, they denied the fact that I was suffering from any kind of mental illness and that their reputation is more important, like if neighbours get to know I'm visiting a doctor they'll label me as crazy and my dad was afraid that his daughter will be called crazy person and his reputation will be tarnished. 
I'm almost 18 but I hate the fact I'll be an adult soon, the child inside me is still so hurt. I hate all the adults that I grew up with, nobody to look up to. 
Also I can't sleep at night, I can't socialise very well and I talk to myself a lot pretending as if I was somebody else. Idk that feels like an escape. And moreover I got very bad moods. I will be roaming around, literally jumping around the house like a 10 y/o, doing silly things, annoying my mom, but then I'll get mad at the tiniest thing, lock myself in the room, scream, pull my hair, slap and punch myself, cut myself and cry. I've totally lost it. 
My parents, they know all these but just label me as a "stubborn" kid. They never really paid attention at all. 
Also I had been in a relationship at 14 with a guy who was 21 at that time, and I got so attached to him because I had anyone who loved me, but when he left me (twice), it broke me so much that now I just date anyone who makes me feel loved but all of them keep leaving me. I do see that coming but I still end up being with them just to feel loved. I almost ended up being someone's side chick because he tells me everthing I want to hear. But I'm happy I cut off my contacts with him and it was just limited to phone calls and nothing physical. Now my self loathe is even stronger because of what I did. 
I do wanna end my life, but also I really wanna forget all what happened and just move on. I am planning to end my life soon, not now because I don't wanna trouble my parents. I'm just thinking of going faraway to study and then kill myself so they don't have to bother with my dead body. But before that, I want to give it a last try. 
What shall I do? I hate myself so much, I don't think I'll ever be able to overcome this hatred at all. I don't have money to go to the therapist too and by the time I move out (hopefully next year) i'd have had already made up my mind to kill myself. Please can anyone help me.