this is a dud account for my own privacy.

I(26yr m) regret having kids because I every day I have this intrusive thought about how badly I want to die, to just disappear completely somehow. I have 2, a 5yr girl and a 1yr boy..mom and I split up last year(she has custody while I get them on weekends), which is totally fine for me as I called it off long ago it just wasn’t a good relationship. It’s not what bothers me..

My dad killed himself in my parents old backyard Jan of 2018 and I haven’t been able to recover from the trauma of finding his body lying lifeless against the fence that he and I had built together. After that I picked up a short lived drinking problem to ignore what I was going through emotionally and mentally and later attempted my own suicide that ultimately left me with a huge scar across my forehead to remind me how I failed ending up in a mental institution for a week and now I look like a fucking wreck. I no longer feel appealing, in anyway shape or form and I contemplate dying every day out of sheer loneliness and to escape the despair inside my head. I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t afford therapy and I have 0 will to do anything with my life anymore. It’s like I’d rather sit at my desk staring at a blank wall and think of how great it would be if I were to catch some nasty illness or better yet randomly shot dead because i don’t know if I can do it myself. I’ve completely lost interest in every part of my life. I love my kids with all of my heart and it breaks me to know how I feel about life knowing the damage it left when my dad decided his fate. I can’t stand the fact that I brought two beautiful people into this world and I wanna take myself out of it. I’ve tried acting like this is normal but I’m realizing that I’m tired, and I’m fighting with myself over this thought and I don’t know how long I can keep going.