Even when I sit down to write this I'm struggling on how to express my thoughts.  I don't even know if this will make sense.. But it feels like when something upsets me or stresses me out and I try to tell someone how I'm feeling or how something is effecting me all they hear the emotion. Like, just now I was feeling very suffocated by someone in my life, when I tried to explain, the response was "when you get frustrated and snap I now have to be the calm one and take it". And I have no idea what that means?? Isn't that how every conversation goes to an extent? I have been working very hard on controlling myself and being more mindful, so I thought I was expressing myself well but obliviously I'm not if they aren't able to hear my words because they are being bombarded by emotion. (Which I didn't even realize I was doing)

I try walking away and processing to then return, I try thinking through what I said and how I said it but then I find myself feeling OVERLY frustrated and sad and shutting down. I don't trust myself when I start feeling that way so I do the worst thing possible and just agree.. "yes. you're right. I was too much and used a poor choice of words" and that's it. I swallow it. 

And then I just feel completely alone. I feel like no one listens to me because they are expecting me to loose my shit, they are expecting me to be the weak one and they have to carry me. I feel misunderstood and lonely. I don't feel like I can properly state how I feel, ever. It's not healthy.. and part of me wonders if that response from the person I was speaking to is fair or not. They have said I have improved so much, and I have talked to them about trusting me to show them I have changed and in these moments it makes me think I'm right back where I was. I fear I will never be good enough, never be "level" enough, never be self-less and will always feel alone.

Thank you for reading. Much love to you all.