We've been broken up for a month. Tried to date then things blew up. I don't really know what to expect. I'd recently told her I wanted to still be in her life because I loved her, even if that meant just as a friend. She said she didnt think she could be just friends with someone she was in love with. 

I told her this because right before things blew up she'd come up with a reason (we were best as friends) to push me away, claiming she was saving me from her abusive ex and his death threats. Apparently she had later told this guy she'd really hoped we could at least be friends but when I posed it, it was like impossible. 

So I told her. She didnt owe me anything. We were best friends before we started dating and I just wanted to be a good presence in her life. Whatever she wanted or was okay with would be good enough for me. Even though I'd told her I wanted to marry her, I was willing to give that up if I still got to be in her and her son's life. They both really mean the world to me.

When I told her I loved her last night she asked why I had said it and later said it made her sad, but that I wasn't hurting her (I apologized thinking I'd upset het). Then she said she had a lot going on and would let me know when she had time because she wanted to talk to me and take time. 

This was kind of a weird thing at least in my head and immediately I wondered if she was just going to say goodbye to me. So I asked her. 

"that wasnt my plan, why?" Followed by "Nah. I'd just get my stuff back and block you." 

So...I've already kind of resolved to just be single (she gets extremely jealous of any other women in my life) and try to be in her life however I can. She means so much to me and I've already done this kind of dance with her before where we fooled around before becoming just friends again, although last time it was because she hadn't been able to separate and kick out her abusive ex yet. 

I don't know what to expect. My mind wants to assume the worst but then I try to just trust in the fact that she's in love with me to hope she doesn't find a way to crush me or put me down anymore, which she sometimes does to the point I don't know where I stand with her. I worry that somehow there's someone else or she's going to list all the things that are wrong with me to prove why she can't be in a relationship with me. Idk. I feel sort of anxious but on the numb side. It's been a terrible couple of weeks between us with the last one or two being the worst by far.