As the title states above, this is the first time I’ve posted on Reddit about my personal life so here we go. Six months ago my girlfriend at the time and I broke up because I had started distancing myself from her.. the reason why I did this was because of the emotional abuse I received from my girlfriend when she was on BC and depressed. Even with her depressive episodes and the effect it had on me and my relationship with family and friends, I stuck with her because I loved her and knew that it wasn’t her fault. And when she got off it eight months ago, it also took me some time to adjust. Anyways after we broke up, we decided to take a break but stay committed to one another because we knew that the thing that could hurt us the most was seeing one of us being with someone else. In all honesty, things went pretty well after we broke up. We started communicating and seeing each other often again. We were happier. Her and I were both recovering from the depressive states from BC. During these times though she didn’t want her friends knowing about us continuing to talk because of her friends judgements. I know how her sister gets on her often so I understood and was just committed to improving our relationship from the BC fallout we had. At the same time though she wanted me to take her out on dates, post her, and buy her flowers which confused me a bit. In all honesty I always wanted to do those things but I was a broke college student on the verge of graduation with an amazing job opportunity lined up. Anyways as we get closer to graduation, I start asking if we could become official again because I wanted to have her around my family at graduation. She even admitted that she didn’t understand why were weren’t together since we were so much better and happier. This was only a day before the event. About four months ago, a day before my graduation, I went through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. One of my partners friends was graduating so they had been celebrating and drinking throughout the weekend. Usually I would be invited to go out with her but since it wasn’t my celebration and just the girls I understood. Plus her friends and sister still didn’t know the extent of us still together and talking. The only thing I had ask for was her letting me know when she got home safely like we’ve always done with one another. That night I woke up at 3-4am randomly and realized I never got a text so I called and ask if she was okay. She sounded different and extremely drunk so I came over to check on her. She seemed completely different, another person, and the drunkest I’ve seen her in our 3 year relationship. I asked what happened and as she taking off her makeup she says “I hung out with another guy”. My heart dropped.. I asked her what she meant and she cold heartedly repeated it. I then asked if she slept with him to which she replied yes. I broke down, I couldn’t believe it and just asked why. To which she responded “He made me feel wanted”. She started blaming me saying that this random guy took videos of her, posted her, and made her feel wanted. This messed with me so badly because she told me that she didn’t want her friends knowing about us. It didn’t made sense to me, she had also started her period as well and I know how uncomfortable she is about that. Out of confusion, I called her sister and asked about it to which she responded by bashing me and saying that she could do whatever she wants because she’s single. Her sister and friend didn’t know how her and I were on the verge on getting back together, and it took me a second to realize. I only traumatized myself more by seeing the bloody condoms in the bathroom and on her bed sheets. I felt like I was in a nightmare, like I was going mad, I really felt my sanity/mental state break. And as I’m broken, she drunkenly starts falling asleep and calming down. She grabs me, tells me to hold her, and tell me she loves me. That’s the girl I fell in love with. I laid there awake for the next couple of hours in the bed where it all happened, thinking about how it happened with a shattered mind.. she told me she doesn’t remember any of it. It never felt like I graduated and I was depressed for the next 2 weeks, I stayed in bed almost all day and rarely ate. Since then I’ve been waking up or have panic attacks around 3am, experience episodes of amnesia, depersonalization/derealization, and suicidal thoughts. I loved her so we tried to work things out and I invited her to move in with me while I work. She moved in with me shortly afterwards for the summer and for the most part I was okay with her there with me. But as soon as she left to go back to school, the symptoms got worse. The evening after work, I came back to my apartment and realized she wasn’t there anymore. I immediately broke down and almost went through a 3 day period of derealization. The 2nd evening I had downloaded tinder but didn’t create a profile.. The following morning when I was having a panic attack related to that night I had actually created a profile.. that was the first time I had experienced a depersonalization episode so vividly. I didn’t  remember making it, I just remember feeling insecure, lonely, and sad as I watched myself on the phone for a couple of seconds. It felt like a dream and I don’t even remember falling back to sleep afterwards. I just woke up for work and it wasn’t until later in the day I realized I created an active profile when I got a notification that someone liked my profile. I was so embarrassed and deleted it right after work since I was busy leading work that day. Of course one of her friends found out and told her about it. It was only active for a couple of hours and I wasn’t active on it so I thought nothing could’ve happened. I explained to her what I had experienced and that I didn’t remember making it but she didn’t believe me. It was the first time I thought to myself that I wasn’t mentally right. She broke up with me afterwards but we kept talking for the next 2 weeks and I thought she started believing me. It wasn’t until the day when we had made plans to go out for dinner that she cancelled on me and suddenly told me to stop talking to her. This triggered an episode where I tried to OD on my ADHD medicine. I don’t even remember taking them or how much. Thankfully I was okay since it was a lower dosage, just stayed up until the next morning. At that time, I didn’t know what I had until I called my best friend after the suicidal episode and told him about my experiences that he said that I should get checked out for BPD as he had it 2 years earlier and he said it sounded similar. It makes sense to me since I thought I was going crazy. I had never done this before in my entire life. I haven’t been the same since that night.. thoughts?