TW: suicidal thoughts

I feel nothing. I am emotionless. I cry but I feel nothing. It’s taking everything in my power not to end this life. Only thing that keeps me here is I see my son crying and being so sad because I left. I know I would leave broken hearts. Logically I know it is a poor choice. But for right now I envision my life ending and it brings me peace. I feel my suicide is inevitable and I’m just putting it off until I know my children are old enough (20ish) to be able to understand. I’ve written so many letters. I know I am a selfish monster for wanting this. I’m tired of being mentally sick and people pretending to understand / care. I cannot wait to die.