So guys, I'm hesitant to see my psychiatrist because unraveling personal issues after visiting her has caused me to just completely shut down and become very ill functioning. I put school on hold because I failed all my classes and now I struggle to really do anything but roll around in bed. 

Long story short, I had severe emotional neglect, emotional and psychological abuse, and non contact sexual abuse from birth to adulthood. I feel like I lived in an alternate reality because nothing felt real to me until now. Just did things as they came and put the bad things aside and lived in la-la land. I did well in school despite having a huge workload because I feel like I had enough brain in me to just do things last minute and get decent grades despite the fact that I was secretly a mess and my true potential would've been much greater. All of this weird "abuse" was masked up pretty well because my family looks successful and they make good money. The fact that I had no idea any of it was abuse also masked it up pretty well. I attend a good university now and I have tons of superficial friends and nice material things so nobody suspects anything is wrong.

I never realized how things affect me till I went to get help for what I suspected was ADHD. I got officially diagnosed in the first session but adderall with low to increasing doses is not working at all. I'm now at a "normal" dose that works well for most and it's just not working even remotely. I'm still an absolute mess with no motivation in life and no possibility to initiate even the smallest of tasks.

I recently came across the possibility of me having anti-social personality disorder. I cut friendships off easily whether they've lasted for a few months or 5 years. Those who I thought were my "best friends" were actually people I could never find any empathy for. Any personal problem they came to me with just ended with me making themselves feel bad and I would just cuss them out and dehumanize them. The number of times I've been called selfish or cold, etc is just ridiculous. I'm very short tempered and everything sets me off.
If I open up to some personal things to friends, it's like a time bomb starts ticking to the time they just give up on me because I start to show my "true" self- the constant yelling, dehumanizing, selfish behavior, disregard for their feelings, and "nothing is good enough" attitude. I only act nice around people that I don't want to lose because they know how to have fun and I don't want to give that up because then I'll become bored.
Whenever friends show me they care or try to actually value me as a  close friend, I immediately just flip out and call them a bitch and dehumanize them.

People don't mean much to me and I basically just use them for something to do when I'm bored. I don't respect authority at all and I get in trouble all the time. Studying is just hard for me because I can't see it as valuable. Self care is only valuable if it gets so bad to the point where it's extremely noticeable. I'm fortunate enough to be a good looking girl that just does the bare minimum and still looks put together. I do stupid shit like get pulled over at 103 mph but only got a warning because I am good at small talk and manipulating things and acting like the victim. I still never learn from lessons ever because it's just wasn't an issue to me until I just randomly came across the possibility of anti-social personality disorder recently. I've lost dozens of people that called me their best friend over the years and I just never gave a flying fuck.

Nothing really makes me happy. I mean, yes, music makes me happy and hanging out with fun people makes me happy, but I realized that I'm never truly on the same level as others. I'm usually just irritated, angry, upset, or seeking validation from random people. Material things never made me happy yet I just keep buying them for whatever reason.
Nothing is ever good enough. The kindest, most caring friends, a brand new Mercedes, a $3,000 bag, a spot in a nice university where I have the opportunity to have a successful career in the future, I have all of that but none of it even makes me remotely feel as happy as others and I'd destroy all of it if I was in a bad mood that day.

I feel like I don't love anyone in my family. I used to think I love my mom but I realized I was faking a large portion of it so nobody would think I'm a weirdo. If my dad passed away, I would be more concerned about the will than grieving over him. If my best friend that gave up on me because of my behavior suddenly died, I probably wouldn't bat an eyelid. I realize now that it is odd and I don't know what to think.

I'm coming to terms that this may not be normal and my anti-social/psychopathic tendencies may not be my fault but rather the fault of my family. 

How do I accept the fact that I have a problem and just move on? How do I accept that my problem may not be cured with medication and "talk therapy"? How do I move on knowing that I'm just not normal and there's no real cure? What if I never find the motivation to reach my potential?  

How do I even get myself to seek professional help if I just feel like I'm being a huge cry baby? I don't want to be the one that self diagnoses but I fit just about every damn symptom of it and obviously adderall isn't working.