I have no one. I have literally no one. I am so lonely and forgotten, I want to end my life and I'm letting myself at least fantasize about it because I know there's only one person who would really give a shit or be affected. I am not going to do it, because my dogs would be sad. 

For a while I fought these feelings away by talking to my friend or my mom. But I've realized they don't really give a shit about me at all. Both my best friend in the world and my mom, who is the only family member who talks to me, only call me when they're drunk or if they need something. I would be okay with that if they were nice drunks, but both of them criticize me about traits I can't fix, and I am not stable enough to cope. They are full by the end of the conversation and I am empty. 

And for a while I talked to my fp, my partner, but I'm realizing I need to protect my heart a bit more. I know he loves me and cares about me. That's why I won't blow my brains out no matter how much I picture doing it. But the thing is, since I've realized some things about our relationship, I don't want to depend on him so much any more. I can't tell what's fact and what's me being crazy when it comes to us. It is a horrible, gutting feeling. And in that feeling, I lost having my FP to even talk to or hang out with at all. Even though he might be sitting right there. 

I am so alone. I am as alone as I felt I was all those previous times when I was just being crazy. I have my pets for companionship, to hold when I am crying. Sometimes I comment on social media just to have someone reply to me, just as confirmation that I do exist. But I have no one to talk to, about anything. I can't afford therapy and my application for medicaid or w.e. its called was denied, so therapy isn't an option for me. And anyway, I don't mean someone to talk to like that. I just mean someone who I can talk to, about fucking 90 day fiance even or like true crime or the fucking weather. 

How can I cope with these feelings of abandonment and loneliness? I feel like I could die.