Having another one of those panic attacks where I realize how much I resent myself and how a lot of my insecurities stem from the fact that I practically hate everything I do. I know a way to work on this is to do more with my life and I am in the process of doing that but a lot of it takes patience. Then I simply get overwhelmed with feelings of being completely unsatisfied by absolutely fucking everything and not seeing how to fix it all and then panicking about that and then panicking about how much I panic. I am just lost as to how to continue on the journey of self love. I thought I was getting somewhere but I have come to realize over the years that even all the attempts I make to show myself love or love myself are all actually superficial or vain and that I fail at emotionally fulfilling myself. I didn’t even realize it was possible not to know how to do that, but I realize it is a characteristic of BPD as well.

So I guess what I am asking is in what ways can I authentically give myself more love and emotional fulfillment? 

I have tried yoga, meditation, positive affirmations, essential oils, exercising, bike riding, you name it. But it all only seems to have a temporary effect or no effect all all. No lasting impression. Or I try to talk positive to myself and I literally don’t even believe it. Feels like there are two people living in my mind sometimes with two very distinct wants, needs, and beliefs. I am just struggling dude..