I ask this because, of what I understand, the general consensus is that BPD has a set of criteria to meet in order to be eligible for a confirmed diagnosis. 


For starters, I don't go through the whole "I hate you, don't leave me" situation... I've never had this occur with a FP, let alone anyone. I either deeply resent someone for a long time due to justified reasons, or I just get on with them as normal. That's it. 


Sure, I might place an individual on an unreasonably high pedestal, but I've always found that it's because I've genuinely had no one close to me for a significant duration of my life. I cherish those who make me feel wanted and so on, who doesn't? Likewise when they leave, I'm devastated because I am genuinely left with nothing else. I hate being lonely, it's all I've really known. I have had others who I've not cared about as much dissappear or leave, and it's really not bothered me too much.


I fear rejection and abandonment, but through justified means. I have been through hell and back because of people I trusted and people who I had no choice but to be around at school and so on.  Maybe I'm a little intense too, but again when I make a friend I literally have no one else to distract myself with, so my focus solely on them can't be helped. 


I don't really have moments of impulsivity. In fact, I'm more paranoid about buying/doing anything crazy because I end up overthinking it all, or thinking it'll go horribly wrong. No destructive or risky behaviour either. For the most part, I'm highly law abiding. No drugs, no alcoholism, nothing. 


The only unstable relationship I have is with my mother, and that's because our personalities clash, and we don't see eye to eye. I've never had any other unstable relationships in my life, apart from with my father who I've cut out my life completely. I don't hate her, but I can't say I feel anything there either. Apathy. There's no yo-yo effect. 


I don't have an unstable self image. I know who I am. I know what I like and what I don't. I don't change my whole persona just to fit in. If I don't gel with someone, I just don't gel. That doesn't mean that I won't try to get on with someone, but I'm not gonna change my appearance or persona just to fit in. Sure I'm going through an existential crisis because I have no idea what I want to do in the future, career wise, but that's it. 


I've never self harmed, ever. I've attempted to take my life before, but I have no physical injuries. I have frequent suicidal ideations, but purely because life is shit, no? *gestures broadly at the world*


I've never had disassociation or depersonalisation 


I may get angry, but I find that's because I'm becoming more and more resenting of what's going on around me, and how life is turning out. I have gotten upset over small things going wrong, but that's because nothing ever seems to go my way. It's always the opposite. I literally make note of these things just to make sure I'm not making it up in my head. Everyone's allowed to express anger, especially when they're pushed beyond their limits at times. 


I really don't have mood swings. I'm either depressed af, or maybe not as depressed. Yes I have moments where I may feel mildly better, or even laugh within context, but that just means I'm not a freaking robot. I'm never elated, nor do I have sudden random (and intense) bouts of feeling like so. Maybe I feel intense emotions at times, but that's usually manifested in the form of romantic feelings. I can tell you what would make me feel on top of the world would it happen to me, however. 


I have paranoia, but again it's because I had some horrible and unfortunate things happen to me courtesy of my ex. I can't help but try to protect myself from being scrutinised like that again. There's a few other things to, but it's always been a distrust stemmed from a parental figure or someone who would have been the last person to back stab me. 


Again, the whole fp thing to me is a grey area. I don't regard people highly for any old reason. If someone is genuinely decent, interested in having me around in their life, doesn't do shitty things towards me, and actually acts like a real friend.... Why wouldn't I feel this way? ESPECIALLY if people come by few and far between? Make that double if you've been chronically isolated for most of your teenage and adult life. 


I have had two periods in my life when I could no doubt meet all the criteria for a diagnosis, minus the symptoms I've explained I've never experienced. At those times, I've missed people badly, I've wanted them back badly, I've lost my temper because it was all going to shit and no one was listening to my cries for help, I did some really ballsy things things to get them to listen to me or stay, I tried to take my life a few times, and I most probably got stuck in limerence. 


But outside of that, I really find it hard to see how I've got this, and that I'm not just reacting the way someone would after multiple misfortunes. I've literally seen and heard people react much worse than I did when I went through my two bad periods that I just mentioned, and they're doing fine with no diagnosis of BPD. I'm stuck because fuckall has happened for me since, and I'm still left picking up the pieces with no idea where to begin. 


So, I'm not sure how my diagnosis fairs, considering how I'm fucked off at the world, depressed af, and petrified because of the horrid things I've had done to me by so many people, whether they were close to me or not.


Yes, I currently miss someone a lot, yes it takes up a fair bit of my mind, yes it's making me extremely depressed. But AGAIN, (and I'm gonna sound pitiful, but) I am extremely isolated and lonely. I've had no decent friendship since that person left abruptly, hardly any human contact or social life, and all the meanwhile I'm still scarred from what my ex did to me in the time of need. Yes, I'm fed up, I want things to change, and I'd really like my friend back. I don't believe this justifies that I have BPD. Of course the mind might become partly obsessed when it has nothing else to occupy itself or look forward to... 


But who knows, eh? 


Disclaimer: I'm not looking for a professional diagnosis by any means, I'm just venting my thoughts and seeking opinion after having been diagnosed nearly two years ago, and having my mother seemingly shoving the diagnosis down my throat whenever I demonstrate even the slightest whiff of symptoms due discomfort and disgruntled view of what my situation in life currently is turning out to be.