Winter is when I always fall into this deep, downward spiral of internalization, disassociation, and self-hatred. I lose any and control over my emotions. It's gotten me fired. And this winter, I find myself unmedicated and without a therapist (my insurance stopped covering my doctor visits and therapy sessions, and my doctor won't refill my meds unless I go in, and I can't afford another $200 visit to get my meds refilled). To make matters worse, my fiance and I now have opposite work schedules, so I spend all of my waking, not-working time alone. I'm literally choking up and crying about it just writing this. He's only been at this job for the past week and for today, gone for an hour and half. As winter grows, all of these negative emotions will only grow. I haven't been this utterly terrified since I was still being forced by the court to see my abusive father every other weekend (which was enough to give me BPD and PTSD). Difference is, now I'm scared of myself because honestly I'm probably worse to me than he ever was. I don't think I'll be able to handle this and it's literally only just begun, I have to do this for like 5 more months yet.