So I'm like "recovered" from having BPD or whatever the technical word is. I no longer meet the criteria for having it since 2 and a half months of treatment.

I feel like in the past my romantic interest in someone was largely influenced by how kind and accepting someone was towards me despite my many mental health issues. And because of codependency I became attached to someone super quickly and would cling on to relationships partly because I couldn't handle being alone.

Now I can handle being alone and don't feel like I have complicated issues that would be hard for someone to accept and look past. And it's weird not to feel that way or to become attached easily to people while exhibiting strong codependent behaviors and feelings. And now I think I sort of feel the opposite way. Now I feel like I'm more likely to push someone away than to cling on tightly and to be more withholding of saying stuff like "I love you" or even using heart emojis because it seems like it will be a harder thing to feel when it isn't largely measured by someone being kind and accepting of me despite issues. 

My sexual orientation definitely makes romance a lot more complicated as well. I'm on the asexual spectrum and don't feel physical attraction easily and am also very particular about people I'm capable of feeling romantic attraction towards (I'm definitely not aromantic but I think romance still might be like a pickier thing for me when I don't have codependency issues). It's especially weird to not be clingy and attached easily when my current romantic interest is the only person I've ever met who is also on the asexual spectrum and is fine with a relationship that is more like a close friendship plus cuddling with rare moments where it's more than that. I've never been with someone who is accepting of my lack of sex drive. (I'm gray ace, not 100% asexual but still have an incredibly low sex drive and would also be completely fine with a 100% asexual relationship.)

I find myself wanting to push her away over things that are usually insignificant that make me feel uncertain about whether or not this will turn into something serious. Like I feel like she probably has stronger feelings for me than I do for her and that makes me scared that I might hurt her if things continue and I break things off. And I always feel unnecessarily bad when I am the reason for someone else feeling bad. I do think it has potential for turning into something serious but I feel so much more uncertain now that the measure of my attraction isn't influenced by acceptance of mental health issues.

It's also hard not to compare current levels of romantic attraction to feelings in my last relationship. Which is unfair because it was extremely codependent and I had never met someone who was so accepting of the issues I used to have. And honestly I think the person I'm interested in now would probably be accepting of me in my past mental state. If I was the way I used to be I'd probably be hardcore head over heels.

So it's weird and confusing. I wish I didn't get these urges to push this girl I like away.

I don't know what sort of input/advice I'm looking for really and I also don't know that many people would be able to relate to my feelings. I just feel confused and frustrated about it. And it makes me wonder if I'm capable of loving someone the way I've felt in the past. And that's kind a depressing thought. I'm probably overthinking it.