okay i have no idea where else to write this so i'm sorry if it's not ideal posting material but i have no idea where to otherwise post this...
i've struggled with eating disorders for a long time but i've been recovered for about 10 or so months now but during that time i've gained weight (as one does, of course) and now i'm suddenly panicking about it because it feels like my body is just swelling in front of me. i feel horribly fat and like such a failure since i've wanted to get back to my old control (aka ED behaviours) but every day i loose control and still eat. without purging; and i fucking hate it.
i can't deal with it and someone please talk me out of fucking getting my hands on drugs just so i can lose weight

(maybe i'll just cut to punish myself and i'll feel better... i just want to die so i dont have to deal with gaining weight)