I don't mean 'what I'll do' like, finding Ilicit drugs. I've found for me, out of sight out of mind applies to substances after a bit off them. Thank god for that.
I mean 'what I'll do' like, what now?

I was put on Ativan for panic attacks that had grown constant due in part to nicotine use. Even when I stopped though, they didn't go away. But the Ativan did something amazing- I was basically neurotypical on it. It was a low dose and I already had a cross-tolerance from 8 years of prescribed Ambien. 

I started working out. I stopped binge-eating. I spent more time with others. I wasn't drowning anytime I tried to speak. I didn't want to shoplift. I didn't want to self-destruct. I was at peace with myself. My job performance skyrocketed. The mania stopped. Euphoria and depression both just...went away. It was a godsend. It still is. We talked a lot, my psychiatrist and I. I already knew all the long-term side effects, and we both knew my risks for misuse were higher than average (my mother was an addict). But I was on Ambien for 8 years, and hadn't hardly misused it. She saw how much it was helping me. So I was taken off the Ambien and given Ativan .5mg 2x/day.

I'm on the lowest dose. It'll be about six months by the time of my next psychiatry appointment. She warned me my tolerance would go up, and it has. I started vaping and overeating again. Still trying to monitor my diet, and keep things clean. Mostly, the anxiety is kept away, but I'm starting to get the short spikes of "holy shit the world is ending" terrifying anxiety again. Where it feels like lightning just struck me and I'm blind with sheer terror. 

I'm scared. I know there are only three doses to Ativan. She warned me my tolerance would go up, and she was right. I feel normal and in control of my life for the first time...ever. I'm scared that'll end, and I'll be stuck again. I know there are other options. Spravato is something I've heavily considered. I don't want to pursue that option until I'm out of working roads, though.

Is anyone else in a similar boat?