so idk if this is the right place for this but i mostly just need to vent somewhere. 

i lost my virginity a couple days ago to a guy i barely knew. i knew it was just for sex and i've never made a big thing out of virginity but i think i just wanted to get it over with to a certain extent. i was super anxious before to the point that i felt kinda sick, but i made myself go cause that's just how i am with anything new in general and i literally wouldn't do anything if i didn't push through the anxiety.

but as soon as we started getting heavy i started dissociating pretty badly cause it felt so out of character for me since i had like no experience and never do anything crazy. and like i went along and was participating cause i had decided to do this but looking back it didn't even feel like me i was just watching someone do the things i did. and at some point i almost just realized what i was doing. it's not like it was a terrible experience or anything but i can't make it feel real and it's kinda scaring me now, cause i keep feeling like i have to check if it actually happened. 

i still just feel really detached and my depression got bad the past few days and i don't really know what to do to break the spiral. cause reality is usually pretty clear for me unless i'm really in the worst of my depression and so now i feel like i'm waiting for it once i stop feeling disconnected. i should probably tell my therapist about it, but i haven't been seeing her for super long and i know i'm going to feel weird about it. i don't know how to bring it up.