I’ve (F21) been dating my wonderful boyfriend (M22) for over a year. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster because I have BPD, and he has some of his own issues as well, but we’ve gone through a lot together that I don’t think I would’ve gotten through with any other past partners I’ve had. We have this amazing balance together and our personalities compliment one another. But after all this time I still have this emotional wall built up that I’m desperately trying to break down. But the more I break it somehow more of it is still getting built. He wants to break through it too and it makes me feel terrible that I can’t let him in fully. I want to really bad because he’s the best guy I’ve ever dated. But I’ve also had really messed up and abusive relationships in the past , plus seeing my parents messy divorce after 13 years of marriage because my dad (who is supposed to my role model for what a good man is) cheated on my mom and tried to tell me and manipulate me my whole childhood that what he did wasn’t cheating but “change of emotions” he called it. That all contributed to this emotional wall that has been  built up  and now I have a huge fear of commitment and intimacy in a relationship. I have  communicated this to my boyfriend and he is so patient and understanding. But it has been over a year of being together and this wall hasn’t come down very much and I know over time that will only push him away. I do love him and know he would never hurt me but I know my BPD, my trauma, my anxiety, and past experiences make it very hard for me to connect with someone. And he understands that as well and keeps saying he wants to work with me on it. I would seek relationship counseling if I could afford it. He’s just so sweet and amazing and I do think about wanting to marry him and spend my life with him. But I feel it won’t be fair to marry him when I haven’t broken my wall down for him yet while he’s let me fully into his heart. Is there anything I can do to ease myself into connecting with someone or being intimate without fearing it all the time? Any advice would be appreciated. I just want to be the best girlfriend and hopefully one day wife, I can be for him.