This is really just a venting post because I don't know what else to do, so don't worry about reading through it all. It'll be a long one. I had two pet rats, one of whom I had to put down two weeks ago. They're super sociable animals, so I knew that my remaining girl would likely have a downturn of health. She already struggled with respiratory issues, but I took her to the vets and got her on antibiotics. I spent so much time with her, she was never a cuddly rat in her youth but as she aged, all she wanted was to be close to me. She was starting to put on weight, and I thought maybe with the increased care she'd live longer, though the vet said things weren't looking great. 

So yesterday I planned a date night with my long-distance partner. I'd spent a little time with her throughout the day, and I kinda of just wanted to focus on what I was doing. Her back legs went out a few weeks ago, so while she liked to sit on my shoulders, she needed stabilisation and fussing to make sure that she didn't fall. She was acting weirdly too, though I didn't think much of it, and I put her up in her cage for a while. I finally got her out as I was settling down to play games - I put my hand in the cage and she reached out into my hand which was how she asked to be picked up. So I grabbed her, sat down, put her up to the camera for my partner to see her quick, and then put her down into the quilt by my leg. They liked being under the quilt in the winter but recently due to the heat she preferred being above the quilt. I just put her there so we could cuddle but she'd be out of the way, it was selfish. About an hour into playing games I realised she hadn't moved for a while and went to check on her. She was dead. 

I can't stop replaying what happened, from putting her in her cage instead of cuddling with her, not noticing her behaviour, etc. I was so focused on this stupid night with my partner. I don't know when she died - did she pass away while I was moving her, showing her to my partner, or when I put her under the quilt? Did she have a stroke or a heart attack, or even worse, did she suffocate next to me because of the heat and her breathing issues? Was she scared, or did she feel lonely - was being next to me enough? She liked being up as close to my face as she could get. I should have been holding her. I should have been stroking her and comforting her. I'm so terrified that she was lonely or scared, or in pain. I didn't feel her squirm, but I had headphones on and was focused on the game - what if she did, or was too weak to? What if she made a noise? I loved them both so much, but after her sister died, she became this last little light in the darkness. I miss her so much. I just want to be able to mourn her properly, not obsess over the circumstances of her death.