Hello bpd friends. i love yall. i have a rant.

tonight my band played a show, so my bf drove 30 mins to come see it. i played first and the other bands sucked, so me and my bf agreed to leave early and go to a party at my friends house.

i recently have been in therapy for bpd and substance abuse but everyone at the party was doing cocaine and when it’s around i simply CANT not participate. my bf has chronic illness and doesn’t do drugs, but also doesn’t care if i do. i am super extroverted and he’s introverted but he wanted to go and friends he liked were there.

i ended up doing a bunch of coke that was way stronger than usual and got super strung out. he was really tired at like 2am but i was super coked out so i agreed to call him an uber home so i could stay out and keep getting fucked up.

i feel terrible because i love him and i should have restrained myself from doing more drugs and just gone home with him. he came to the party for me because he knows i like to party and stayed as long as he could be eventually got tired bc he was one of the few people not coked out.

i’m so happy that he’s willing to go out of his comfort zone and stay late at parties because he knows it makes me happy. i feel like a terrible person letting him leave alone and staying at the party just to do cocaine with like 5 people until 6 in the morning for no reason. i care about him and love him so much, and i hate that drugs came before him. we haven’t talked so idk if he’s mad at be but i’m sure he’s upset.

i just hate that i constantly need to be as fucked up as humanly possible to feel okay. i love him and wish i could have just gone home with him like a normal person. i hate my inability to say no to drugs and that getting high can come before things that are actually important to me. i’m sorry for ranting, i just got home sooo late from the rest of that bender and i hate myself for it. and after he left i was like “WHO WANTS TO DO A BUNCH OF DRUGS”  because i internally was like , i need to get as fucked up as possible to not feel bad about him leaving alone.

i feel like a shitty person and hate that drugs make me feel okay and alive. again sorry for the rant. i want to be good to myself and my partner and drugs ruin both of those.