My life has been a fucking mess. I was in a 4 year relationship with someone and he ended things about 2 months ago. Well, I met someone. Surprise Surprise: They have BPD. We talked for hours the first time. He wanted to leave his girlfriend. He ended up "liking" me. Hours later, he decided to stay with her. Well, I was especially vulnerable, so I stayed. I figured he could be a good friend.

Fast forward 5 weeks: He broke up with the girl like 3 times. They finally were over with 8 days ago. He gets attached to me. He still likes me this whole time. He had to avoid talking to me before because it was like cheating. I felt him pulling away the past few days. What happened? Oh yeah: Someone from his past suddenly came back in his life and he's "in love". He "feels it" so much. It's making me sick.

I'm now kind of "withdrawing" from him. It's fucking HELL. I don't know if I can do this. I'm also Bipolar and I'm in a mixed phase. My ex was abusive, I had to drop out of school because of all of the stress, I'm worried about money for legitimate reasons, etc. He was like the one thing I felt like I needed.

He kept saying sorry. I do feel like I'm possibly different, but I am probably idolizing him. I stopped him from rushing into anything with me. Just TWO days ago he was saying how much he liked me. I'm kind of more rational due to other issues (autism). He goes to me when he's upset because I calm him down so well. In fact, I was kind of the only person who was able to calm him down each time. I asked him if he still liked me. He just said "Don't do this." He couldn't even pick up the phone because he said it would never be enough and we'd end up talking for hours. He kept saying sorry over and over. He always tells me to block him. He can't even block me because he think he'd end up just unblocking me and it really would make me feel awful about 20 minutes later. 

Do you want to know the sad part? I've been with others who had BPD. No one was as intelligent, witty, and understanding of my emotions as him. I thought I was idolizing him when I said that, but I thought about this rationally for hours. That hurts really badly. He's so messed up but he's a beautiful person. He still wants to be friends, but I think he'll just run to me again when this new unstable relationship ends. 

It just hurts because he's so willing to jump into things with others but not me. A part of me enjoys that. A part of me thinks that he's afraid to be with someone who he isn't absolutely obsessed with at first. Another part of me thinks he doesn't even care. He's probably using me as a "filler" for in between his relationships. 

All I know is that he makes me split REALLY badly, but he keeps accepting me back each time. I found a weird sort of acceptance from him that I've never had before. I'm so afraid I'm never going to find this again. Everyone else is, well, boring. And that's why I'm so messed up, isn't it? I kind of crave to be normal sometimes. 

I need some sort of... I don't know. I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly to attach onto someone else. It just hurts so badly. I know he's going to have to avoid me more now because he has a girlfriend. He ends up flirting with me when he has one. I just wish he never hit on me in the first place because he would have been great as just a friend. Now I feel awful how high he brought me up only to come crashing down. I feel pathetic that I'm like this. 