i have been getting these strong impulses to do something severe, specifically breaking up with my boyfriend, going on a bender and trying new drugs i haven’t yet, and overall going through a whole rampage of self harming behavior.

and whats worse is this inner dialogue fighting itself; i keep thinking that it’s not worth it because there is no positive end goal, but at the same time i feel like i need to do it to get some sort of attention from anyone so that they finally realize how much pain i am in.  and also, what’s the worst that happens? i die? okay… but that’s NOT the worst thing. so who cares?

i always feel so invalidated in this disorder because i don’t always go through with my impulses because the fight always ends up internal and then i scream and cry in private and burn/cut myself as a punishment. but the impulses for something more drastic are always there, lingering, and this time they’re getting stronger with each day. i don’t know how much longer i can hold it back.

does anyone else feel this invalidation?? it makes me feel like a fraud.