So the past two days have been emotional hell for me. My FP ( my long distance bf) warned me on friday that we probably would not speak much the following day because of him playing video games with his friends. I told him the usual “okay have fun”. The next day I go to work do my thing come home and just felt an overwhelming sadness because I knew I wouldn’t be talking to him and lately non of my hobbies have been satisfying me so I just felt so empty and sad and I miss him. I cried many many times throughout the rest of the day. I feel so pathetic when I feel this way, relying on someone so much makes me hate myself even more. So every single time I cried it was followed by a very angry hateful me invalidating my own emotions. This lead to the multiple very very painful breakdowns. I know I also split on my bf multiple times throughout the day screaming how much I hate him and just got angry. 

Throughout all of this I did not tell my bf a single thing, we kept snapping throughout the night and he could tell something was off but I never said why. I am trying my very best to not take this out on him because I know I don’t mean it after and will immediately regret it. It’s not even like a controlling/manipulative feelings it was just like a parent had left there child alone and helpless and I couldn’t handle it so I went and destroyed everything in the house. (figuratively of course)

Anyways the very very strong feeling of being pathetic took over and I just hated myself so much. I ended up hitting my head against the wall multiple times throughout the night. I eventually smoked weed and calmed down and eventually fell asleep. So I went to work this morning not thinking anything of it and realized I had all the symptoms of a concussion and came home. Now i’m home and i’m off and he’s off and he’s not talking to me and i feel like shit once again, having multiple childish painful breakdowns except I am not hitting my head this time lol. It’s so very conflicting because logical me knows we can’t spend all our time together but bpd me just only wants to be around him. The logic dosnt help it just makes me angrier at myself for not being able to accept the logic. 

My head hurts a lot and I am just so very sad and I hate myself so much. At the very least I am proud of myself for at least not taking it out on him because that was the downfall of my other relationships and I want this one to work :(

Sorry for this being all over the place &lt;3