for nearly 6 years i’ve been in various forms and levels of therapy, and a variety of treatment options. just about a year ago, as i turned 19, i can proudly say that i believed i had finally won my battle against depression, SIB, and suicidal ideation. 

however, in the last few months, i’ve been experiencing a slew of symptoms which i’ve never experienced before, to a degree that feels scary and out of control to me. 

it started with a high gone wrong. to clarify, i’ve smoked weed before, and when this happened i had not smoked to excess in the slightest. however about an hour in, i began to get paranoid to the point of hysterics, and felt that someone was attacking me from behind. i remember very vividly that a certain point on my back (between the shoulder blades towards the top) felt specifically vulnerable, and like someone was pressing down on it with malicious intent. eventually i calmed down, but even now, that spot tingles uncomfortably when people touch it. 

after that, i began to have very intense anxiety, but only in my body. out of nowhere i’d feel sudden bouts of anxiety with seemingly no cognitive counterpart (spiraling or intrusive thoughts, cognitive distortions, etc.). i would just suddenly feel like i couldn’t breathe, and adrenaline would spike through me. i’ve experiences anxiety in the past, but it had never been to this degree or this debilitating. 

for a time, this anxiety would be so bad that i was unable to sleep more than an hour or so a night for weeks at a time, or would forget to eat all day. 

i began to recognize a pattern in that the anxiety was linked to sexual encounters, specifically with men. i had to leave out of panic during a presentation my college out on about sexual assault, and had panic attacks several times while being intimate with my partner. during these panic attacks it was difficult for me to convince myself that my partner was actually them, and i felt like i couldn’t recognize their face. my partner has been incredibly understanding and sensitive to me throughout this entire ordeal, and has always responded to these situations with support and love. the thing is though, despite the obvious link to sexual assault, i myself have never been assaulted. 

most recently, i’ve become increasingly paranoid about something attacking me. i specifically use the word “something” because it doesn’t feel human. i genuinely feel like there is some sort of ghost that follows me around all the time. i’ve always had an overactive imagination, but at night sometimes the shadows meld together to make horrible things. to clarify, i am not hallucinating. they do not seem real, and i know that they are just piles of clothes, but the fear that i feel is so potent that it’s impossible to ignore. i feel like whatever is following me is always right behind me, and thinking about it makes that spot on my back tingle. i’ve been driven to the point of tears from how scared i am, and can’t seem to get a grip on my fear. 

essentially, i feel like this anxiety is somehow always morphing and changing and completely out of my control. i am currently still in therapy, but still can’t seem to get a grip on what’s happening or what to do about it. i’ve never experienced these symptoms before, and the skills i’ve developed don’t seem to be working. help?