Yesterday was the first day since I stopped going to dbt (ended in April) that I slipped. My issue has always been my inability to tell if someone is genuinely teasing me or of they are just joking. As a result I am often told I am way too sensitive and I don't really make new friends all that easily. 


So I got a job with one of my best friends. A friend I have known since the fifth grade when he moved here from Switzerland. Something you may not know about the swiss is that they really don't put up with laziness and have no time for those that don't put 100% into their work. I was quite surprised when my friend offered me a (temporary mind you) job. He took a huge risk, he knew he was taking a big risk. My job history reads like my credit report.... Just awful. Anyways, I rock socks at this job and I think I surprised the hell out my other best friend who has worked with my Swiss friend for years now. 


Anyways, yesterday was frustrating as fuck. Our boss is still on vacation and as a result things are kind of chaotic. I don't deal well with change, and I don't deal well with standing around with my thumb up my ass. I had ended up needing to text my Swiss friend a few times throughout the day with stuff I thought was important. Three times his response was "shut it." Now....this guy is sarcastic to a fault. I have seen him be serious a handful of times outside of work....at work he is much more serious since he basically the number 2 or 3 guy there. As a result....i was at first confused...then crushed. Especially by the third time he responded with "shut it." Well me being me took this to mean he was sick of working with me, tired of my shit work ethic and just plain trying to push me out. I became damn near suicidal by the end of the day because of the above thoughts. In fact,I had planned on quitting today for sure. But on my way home I thought fuck it, I'll text him to see what the fuck is up. Took me about 4 drafts and rewrites but this is word for word what I sent him:

"Fuck I gotta say it even though I know you don't give a fuck. Telling me to shut it three times today fucking hurt man. Like wtf. Is it cause I didn't come help you farm? I thought you were gonna text me.....It also sounded like you were not too keen on me helping anyways. If I did something to piss you off tell me. I spent all day trying to figure out what the fuck I did and I can't figure it out. 


I know I shouldn't take shit personally. I try not to. There are days (weeks, months) though that I struggle to accept I am worth anything. I consider you one of my best friends so when I get that message three times in a row it is hard for me to not take it seriously. I mean....why the fuck else would you say it three times? 

I don't want to be treated differently than everyone else but I also don't want to be made to feel like I am shit by someone I love. If you were joking....well it didn't feel like a joke. It felt serious. It wasn't like I was dicking around texting you unnecessary things. I didn't want to go through X's trailer looking for a stapler without asking, I also didn't want to inconvenience you by asking but I really wanted to get shit done instead of waiting for someone else to finish with a fucking tool we had three of the last time we needed them. All I was trying to do today was get something done and I spent half of it listening to Z repeat the same goddamn things 50 fucking times but not actually doing anything. I was getting frustrated as fuck. I tried to find you before I left to go get (a new guy at work) a fucking knife to ask you both about the knife and to give you the envelope "X" gave to me to give to "Y". That's why I took a picture of where I put it so if he showed up and I was gone he wouldn't have to run around asking people where the fuck it or I was."

An agonizing 10 minutes later he sends me this:

"I was just fucking with you man! It's all good, I woke up with an eye infection on Sunday so didn't really get anything done cause my eye was killing me! Your way over thinking things everything is cool and your doing a great job at work!! Keep it up! No man it's all good!! Your doing great, I'm pretty straight up at work and if I'm not impressed I'll let you know so we can improve but I like what I'm seeing!! Keep it up man for real"


So ya.... I nearly quit the best job I have had in years all because I am quick to make the negative judgement. I just wanted to post this cause I sent it to my friend who doesn't believe I have BPD. She works with troubled teens so I think her image of the disorder is on the more extreme side. She told me this helped her see the thought process behind the person and why they always seem to suddenly go on the attack. If anything, i think it is a glimpse into why so many people with bpd have a hard time keeping a job. All it seems to take is one little thing and suddenly the world is turned upside down. By me forcing myself to say what was on my mind, without resorting to hurting the person I avoided nuking a great job and an even better relationship. If I had gone with "my gut" and just believed what my mind was telling me I wouldn't even be awake right now....I would be sleeping in and quitting via the "fuck everyone's week up" method. Instead I am eating breakfast getting ready to go to work.