So many irrational emotions, just intensified a hundred times over. 

A girl I dated for a month is dying (covid). I didn't enjoy our relationship a lot. I still talk to her every day to support her and be there if she needs someone. I should experience a reasonable amount of grief, I should be sad that someone I know to is dying, I should be sad that a young girl like her is dying and be sad tht she wont be able to continue her life. 

But, owing to my bpd, my head is EXPLODING with irrational, convoluted emotion:: **"I HAVE TO SCAR MYSELF EMOTIONALLY. ANYTHING ELSE WILL MAKE ME IMMORAL. I WILL GET MARKED AS SOMEONE WHOSE GF IS DEAD. I WILL BE TARNISHED, STAINED. IF I RESIST I SHOULD DIE OF GUILT. IF SHE DIES IT’S MY FAULT. IF SHE DIES EVERYTHING WILL FALL APART. IF SHE DIES EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS GONE! I'M RUINED! I SHOULD DIE OF GUILT. I'M IMMORAL IF I DON’T EMOTIONALLY CRACK AT HER PASSING"**

All this can easily be dealt with by knowing the facts, she wasn’t a great gf, I only dated her for a month, I had nothing to do with her getting sick, my life will be alright and pretty much unchanged if she dies (hopefully). When I practice mindfulness meditation, this becomes clear to me. But most other times, these irrational and twisted thoughts keep raging in my head making me want to cry and scream. I know it's normal to be very sad at the death of someone you know, but the stuff tht erupts in my head is fucked up.

It's so fucking difficult. Even as I preserve my mental stability through mindfulness, I sometimes feel guilty, as I SHOULD be emotionally scarring over this and not doing so is wrong. Fuck. I just need to not feel fully alone.