I get so mad at my boyfriend for the smallest things, we have been living together for about 7 months at this point. 

    We met online, he moved across the country for me back in March without even meeting in person first, we are idiots. 

Because when he arrived here, the vibes were all off. No romance, no attraction on his end. We had sex that first day but I felt like he just kind of wanted to get it over with. A few weeks pass, I realize he is pretty emotionally unavailable and anytime I bring up my feelings, he shuts down. 

All we did those first few months was order food in and watch Netflix together, and I was starting to feel underappreciated. I suggested we start going on dates to restaurants, shops etc. I felt like he did not want to be seen with me. 


One day, I asked why his sex drive was so low. I am on antidepressants and birth control, yet I still want to go at it more than he does all the time. He mentioned that he might be asexual, gay or maybe just not attracted to me. 


I started flipping out, because who the hell would save up 5k to come all the way to me just to tell me they were never attracted? 

The truth came out about a month later, we got into a small argument and apparently "split" on me (he has BPD as well)  and said I was the most unattractive girl he's dated, that I have an unflattering body type, etc. 

He later said that he didn't know why he even said that and said he was "splitting" on me, which I understand 100% ( having bpd myself). But I didn't understand him attacking my appearance. 

That was in June, I spent the entire summer not leaving our apartment and hiding my body behind huge clothing. Started walking every day, drinking more water and changed my entire diet around. I have lost about 30lbs so far, last time I checked. I also developed fairly painful ovarian cysts, which can form from stress. 


This traumatic event in our relationship has ruined everything, every time he compliments me I don't believe him, he buys me flowers and I roll my eyes. I don't know whats so wrong with me, why cant I just forgive him? 

This morning I freaked on him because the floor was dirty and I feel like he should help more with cooking/cleaning tasks. I keep telling him to go back home when I don't want him to. I don't want to be abandoned again for my illness.. But its bad. I can be so verbally abusive and nasty. 

He's depressed, the way he carries himself you can just tell. He wont tell me why but I know it is all because of me. 


I feel so fucking guilty. Please help.