I am really upset about feeling guilty and ashamed. I am so consumed by my lack of direction and self confidence in my decisions that I would rather sit and wait life out. Weed has been okay, I’ll just stay high and listen to music. I’m just question everything and my abilities especially when the intensive treatment program tells me I’m in a bad place. I know that. I just wanted to organize these thoughts. 

i don’t see the point in throwing my whole life upside down just to “see what’s out there.” I’ll sit scared and content, it’s got me this far. Maybe I did peak in high school? Maybe this is the best you’ll get. I don’t want to accept this but I will because it saves a lot of other people pain. I hate being so insecure and I hate thinking. I hate me for putting so many expectations on myself. 

Im not going back to treatment on Monday. I am going to sit like a good husband and stay in my place. Do what I signed up for, even if it’s at the expense of my life. I am just done.