TL;DR: I'm nearly certain I qualify for a BPD diagnosis, but I'm not sure if I should bring that up directly and risk him just dismissing it or if I should simply bring up my concerns about my instability, self harm, drug abuse, relationship problems etc. and let the psychiatrist do his job. Either way if I get diagnosed with bipolar again I'm probably gonna get pissed and not go back. I do believe I would benefit from medication and I'd like to get it sooner rather than later because I'm on the brink of suicide and becoming an alcoholic right now, but I don't want medication for something I don't have. I just want someone to believe me that this is what I have so I don't have to deal with people being condescending to me about being self-diagnosed anymore.

I'm afraid I'll get diagnosed with Bipolar 2 again, even though I'm pretty sure I don't have it because my "hypomania" has never lasted more than a few days, and usually it's way less, not even close to two weeks. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, which I agree with. I've also been diagnosed with ADD and Autism, but I doubted those ones and later took some tests administered by a psychologist and he told me my results were negative for both, so at the very least it's not obvious those are accurate diagnoses.

Either way, BPD is the only thing that makes sense of everything from what I can tell. I remember reading the list of criteria the first time and I felt I didn't have it. I didn't recognize some of the symptoms that I did in fact have and I also assumed I couldn't have it anyway because I'm a guy. 

That was at age 19. I now realize that a lot of the relationship aspects of it were being masked by the fact that I've isolated myself a lot from people my whole life. Now that I've researched BPD a lot more I'm more aware of the various ways the symptoms can manifest, and since I've started to socialize more in the last year the relationship stuff is becoming way more apparent. I get paranoid and angry about the smallest things, I'm incredibly sensitive to the slightest rejection or percieved rejection, and I often have the impulse to cut people out of my life.

Recently I ruined a relationship with a girl who was one of my only friends because she wasn't responding to my texts all the time and despite her telling me on multiple occasions that she was sorry and that she wasn't intentionally ignoring me I just couldn't stop myself from losing my mind with paranoia and anger. I told her "fuck you" and then apologized like 5 times in one night. I even deleted her number but managed to figure out what it was later to beg her to talk to me again, though by that point she really was ignoring me, and I can't say I blame her.

It's way more intense with girls I've noticed but I still get that way with guys too. Instead of voicing my feelings I'll just stop talking to them. I think maybe it's just that I'm typically more comfortable being vulnerable with girls. But it's everyone really, including myself. I'll think they're awesome and then I'll hate them, sometimes over a period of minutes.

Other than that, I relate to every other aspect listed as criteria: unstable identity, impulsivity, suicidal thoughts and self harm, extreme and unstable moods, feelings of emptiness, inappropriate anger, paranoid ideation and dissociation. Some of them are more severe, but I get them all. I started self harming because I started dissociating but I didn't know that's what it was at the time. I'm honestly amazed that out of the 3 psychologists I saw years ago none even considered it. If they did they didn't bring it up, even to the point that one of them told me I didn't have autism but diagnosed me anyway, which I found very confusing at the time. I now suspect he thought I had BPD but simply didn't want to give me that diagnosis because of the stigma, because I'm a guy etc.

I don't know if it even makes sense to worry about this because my main reason for seeing the psychiatrist is because I feel like I need medication to stabilize myself. I just feel like if I bring up the mood swings he's gonna say it's bipolar and I know that's going to piss me off because I know that's not it and I'm sick of people pretending my problems are just because of "brain chemistry". Because maybe if I was given a proper diagnosis I could have started DBT years ago.

Anyway, I'm ranting. Advice would be appreciated.