Full disclosure, I have not been diagnosed with BPD. I’m in the process of working towards a diagnosis but money is tight right now and it’s just so hard to make any progress. But I’m very familiar with BPD and its symptoms and I feel I belong here.

My FP (pwBPD) is still my FP even though she’s really hurt me. She removed me from our friend group of like a decade and had been telling them that I’m crazy for 1-2 years, all while I’d been like reminding her that I was distraught over not being in the group. She’d tell me that everyone in there missed me but that she just wasn’t comfortable letting me back in… but she and I would still talk one on one. I would tell her that I missed them and that I didn’t have any friends now and she’d brush it off, all the while poisoning what they all thought of me.

So I figured all that out about two months ago. When I found out, I sent her some mean texts that I shouldn’t have sent… but it hurt and I was scared. She responded that if I kept texting her that she’d “force me to get the help I need,” so I left her alone. And so a month went by and I was doing alright with it. I hadn’t contacted her but I was really sad and empty. But I still didn’t. So last week on Monday she calls me three times in a row, spanning five minutes of time. I rejected them all and texted her asking what she wanted and… nothing. No response. Wtf?

I texted her a bit more like “hey wth dude? This is really fucked up of you to do” and still nothing. So the other day I just sent her a text like “hey idk what the deal is but I’m f you’re worried about me I’m actually okay, hope you’re doing well” and she never replied.

And idk I’m really struggling. Sometimes. Sometimes I want to do anything I can to turn off the pain because I can’t take it. Sometimes I’m completely fine. Why do I still care? Like why? She did such an awful thing to me but it’s like every day I wake up half expecting like, “this is it, this is the day she re-emerges and apologizes” …. But that day isn’t going to come. And even if it did, she can’t change anything she’s done to me, and I could never forgive it. So why the hell do I even care? Why do I live my life pining for her approval? Why do I care? It’s fucked