i’m tired of people caring about me and me purposefully ruining relationships with people i know love and support me. i hate being mean to them, i hate distancing myself, i hate feeling undeserving of kindness and love. i’m so lucky to have the people i have, but i know they deserve better than what i can give them.

i’m going to be struggling with bpd for the rest of my life. no matter what kind of treatment i get or therapy i go to, i’m always going to have this and the traumas that came before it. i wish i was different. i wish it was gone.

i want to have normal, steady relationships. i want to be able to open up. i want to stop distancing myself the moment i feel close to someone because i’m scared of them leaving. and i want to stop trying to make them leave on purpose to validate my self hatred. 

i’ll get over it in a week or two. and then a week or two after that i’ll be right back trying to sabotage my life. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯