I'm an unhappy achiever. There appears to be no fixed-end to self-improvement in my life, besides death. I don't know when I was last proud of myself. The vast majority of life makes me miserable.

Anhedonia frequently causes emptiness, reducing my ability to experience love, pleasure, satisfaction, laughter, etc. Some emotions are more common (e.g. boredom, envy, shame, and loneliness) and come in strong waves. Other times, I don't feel much of anything. I don't have a consistent sense of self (i.e. who I am, what I do and why), since my mood and motivations can change so quickly.

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I see people online (not celebrities, big names, or public figures) who are of a similar age to me. I'm especially envious of artists, because, even at a similar age to me, they have far more to show for their life's work than my pile of notepads filled with math problems. I study in the hope that my efforts will be important years down the line, whereas the work of artists can amaze, evoke emotion, and inspire as soon as it's created.

I'm tired of hearing 'comparison is the thief of joy'. If I focus entirely on myself, to improve a skill or do something for fun, I rarely get joy out of what I try. What do you do when you're still unhappy, even when you stop comparing yourself to others?

I know that none of my achievements matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm confident that all evidence of our existence will be destroyed, in time. It's confusing to believe that life is pointless, whilst having a desire to 'make a difference'. If I really believe my efforts are futile, why does it matter what I do before I die? I think it's because I want to feel appreciated during my short life. It's very distressing to know that practically nobody can reach the level of appreciation I desire. Even if the whole world loved me, I don't know if I would be happy.

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Sometimes, I idolise people who have skills I admire. I think my perception of other people's abilities is accurate. I can idolise them without believing they're flawless, since I believe they are just that much better than me. It's distressing to feel replaceable and that I can't be as good as them.

A few of these idols are real-life friends, whilst others exist in old memories. Some are online people with no personal connection to me, and I feel like I don't want to live if they never respond or say that they are too-busy to talk. It makes me feel like even more of a nobody. I don't know if they really are too-busy, or if they're not interested and trying to be courteous. It's frustrating because I want to know them and be of value to them, because I'm both lonely and don't want to be left with my own mediocrity.

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There is another category of people that I wish I could get through to. They aren't idols, but I want to help them. I feel powerless when they don't want to accept help. I grieve for this world and all the people we have failed, and are failing, to help. My ability to empathise with the circumstances of other people is high. However, I suspect my self-forgiveness and self-worth is distorted. For me, 'black and white thinking' applies more to how I view myself than others.

There are changes I want to make to the world, but most people oppose me. I think about this everyday, and it pains me to feel so useless. I know how I came to feel this way, but it doesn't make the feelings any less debilitating. The few strangers that have read my ideas react with hostility and fear. I doubt the general public would think any differently. Changing what the majority think is a huge, demoralising task, and I don't know what I can do.

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If there is little to no chance of what I want becoming a reality, I don't understand why I should continue as if I'm going to live a long life. I have been in the planning stages of writing a book for over a year, though I often wonder why I bother when few will ever see it. I want to practice writing fiction, but, so far, I can only write like this.

I don't want to slave-away for years in the blind faith that my life will amount to something. I just want to be happy.