For starters, I don't even know if these feelings are real or validated or anything i should feel, because it may jsut be me, wanting to wallow in misery and self pity because it gives life a purpose of being miserable, i guess thats better that not having a purpose, or maybe it makes you feel like you have a right to hate this thing called life.  
But for real, i dont know. Somehow ive managed to turn this day, as well as many other days, into a fucking horrible mess. It was good, I had a decent time at uni, everything was fine.  
Then it wasnt.  
I dont know what cocktail of impulses or feelings makes me feel this bad, but i just want out of this feeling. I feel like im trapped in my apartment so I want to move. It's not impulsive decision, I know that in the long run living closer to action would be good for me. I like my current apartment, but being 3km away from everything just isolates me. Silly me, thinking that it would be good to have a bit more space for a bit cheaper rent a bit futher away from everything. Of course I cant really afford to live closer if i want to keep my sanity, and my washing machine, so that most likely wont go nowhere.  
So how I got from looking at apartments to being a crying mess in the shower? Good question, I wish I knew. But I know that its the worst. Somehow the future has nothing, nobody cares about me, nobody loves me, nobody nothing. And I shouldnt think that. I have great friends, some older friends, some new, from uni, I somehow actually am comfortable with most of the new people I met when I started this semester, something I never thought I could do, and Im almost convinced that at least they dont hate me.  
But yes, that was fun, and it wasn't the first time.  
So now I have been writing this for a minute or two, and stopped crying about 5 minutes ago. My mood is somehow, not good, but decent, or "normal" whatever that is. Only thing left is my red face and eyes, My cheeks hurt, don't know why.  
I dont know what Im trying to achieve by writing this, maybe knowing that im not the only one, although I know that already. Maybe tomorrow is better, but most likely it wont be, well we can always hope  
what a mess