I'm not good at communicating. I disappear for months on end, ignoring friend's text messages or calls. I exist in my own little insular, exclusive head-space and go through my BPD motions. Eventually surfacing after cycles of self-destruction, isolation, shaving off all of my hair (or whatever), drinking to excess, either starving myself or over-eating, all in a chaotic swirling cesspit of emotions. 


After torturing myself with imagined scenarios and conversations about how much they despise me and how disgusting and horrible of a friend I am. Only to message my friends with an, 'I'm so sorry. I love you. I miss you.' 

I just realised that outside of my own selfish world-view, my friends exist for themselves, and it must be pretty weird to not hear from someone for ages and then get a message like that and wonder what they could've possibly done wrong to warrant such a text, and then find out that they've been in and out of hospital and psychwards for the last few months. 

What does BPD look like from the outside? What is it like to be on the other side?