It's like no matter what I do I can't be happy. Every time I start to get to feeling calm or motivated the wrench is thrown in. Literally, it's my day off and I have really bad allergies and they just somehow triggered every other part of me to be irritated. I'm in therapy, I got a new job, I try my best, none of it is good enough.

&amp;#x200B;

I'm in a constant cycle of suicidal ideation once daily or more. Nothing to act on just overwhelming hatred and dread for the world. Meds, therapy, nothing works. I do my best and my apartment is still dirty, I do my best and I still have no close relationships, I do my best and life is at best irritating. 

&amp;#x200B;

I just want to be fucking normal I don't want to break down every day I don't want to be so negative it's just nothing fucking works or makes it worth it. My head itches, I have cat hair everywhere, my place is overwhelming, I need to shower and I can feel a cavity in my mouth, my cats aren't entertained enough, I'm sweaty and uncomfortable, I find enjoyment in NOTHING.

&amp;#x200B;

Explain why life is worth living? For the minuscule happy moments that are just fleeting and never stick around? The constant stress of trying to stay alive? I think I'm just getting to the point that it's not anymore. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to live all it is is suffering.