I can’t really recall a lot of pleasant memories from childhood, Or adult life, and I’m currently surrounding myself with positive and healthy people and relationships. I received my diagnoses at 13 and again at 16, I’m coming to terms with a lot of bad experiences as well, I’ve recently been cheated on, I was in a long distance relationship and things ended up not working out, my partner got someone pregnant and just stopped talking to me all together, which has effected how I  communicate with my friends now. 

Sex has been a complicated subject for me, but I’m comfortable with talking about it, a few months ago I was drinking and had sex with a friend of mine, but I didn’t have the courage to tell him no. That I actually wasn’t comfortable having sex that day, I can talk to him about that, but it’s made me feel very emotional. After the break up I really just wanted to get out of the house more,I was suicidal and felt that I needed to change again, that I had become toxic to myself, and others. Being around people really helped, I started to learn how to have fun again, I started playing DnD with a group of friends, it was nice, though as of late I have been kicked from the group because the number was too large but I have a feeling I might be jealous of a friend more than I thought as well. I like someone in our group and because I was kicked and wasn’t told for a month, I thought the person who ran the group did this because they wanted to get closer to a friend that I’m really interested in. They have kissed a few times when I wasn’t around which made me feel sad, and that I was kicked because of our mutual interest. 

This friend and I just have sex, and he’s told me that he doesn’t think anything will come from this. I’m trying to distance myself from him emotionally but it’s difficult. Aside from that I just don’t want to feel like I can’t trust my friends even if they make mistakes like this, because I knew that this was a mistake but I over analyze, when I think I’m being rational, or I thought I was being gaslit in this situation. I’ve voiced my concerns to friends and they’ve been nothing but supportive.  They call out my anxiety and reassure me. I’ve never had that before. 

I just don’t like when my develop romantic feelings now I’m so scared I’m just going to be used for sex, and left for someone else.  I don’t even bother telling someone I like them anymore, rejection sucks but I don’t think that’s what hurts. I just feel like All I’m good for is sex and no one will ever really be attracted to my personality after they see how I can be. I’ve had People tell me they like me, but then see how emotional I can be and decide I’m just good to fool around with not to love or have a future with. So I try to learn to be happy, better for myself and not even tell people that I’m attracted to them because i feel like this pattern will always happen for me. I’m really learning to be happy with myself, I’m trying.

Like I really like my friend but I did tell him about how I felt about things when they happened.he told me how he felt about me, I asked him pretty early on if he was serious about liking me, because I could kind of tell that maybe he wouldn’t be into me as I am with him. I just don’t want to be selfish, I want to be considerate of my friends lives and not bother them with questions like this. I don’t want to come off jealous to my friend group. I know isolating myself isn’t a good idea but I’m willing to, if that means that everyone’s happy. 

I’m not sure how to make myself happy, I have hobbies and coping techniques, but turmoil is always there. I’m trying to keep my emotions in check and accept uncomfortable feelings as they come. I just get scared I’ll just go through this pattern of being used or feeling used, being jealous and isolating myself. I’m so tired of it. I want to be content for once,without outside validation, like I want to be able to trust my friends and loved ones that I’m welcoming into my life, that aren’t toxic or abusive.