i have been repeating the same thing and i didn’t even realize it for like a week. i’ve been self sabotaging so bad. my fp and i call every night and we love each other a lot and he is good to me.  i keep doing this thing where when i want attention and the call is quiet because he is preoccupied i ask why he hates, if he talks to someone beside me, why he won’t talk to me, etc until it gets so stressful i break down over nothing and he has to comfort me. last night i think he got really fed up and frustrated because he told me he feels he is ruining my life and attempted to leave. i do not want him to leave. he is a very great person and i want to change these things about me. 

i want to be a mature person for him and myself and just in general. i am 22 and he is 24.. i feel like sometimes i almost regress to a mindset of a 16 year old and then just act ridiculous. it’s pathetic. there’s nothing i crave more than to be able to regulate my own emotions and be healthy. i just get so frustrated when things don’t go my way. plus he told me he feels forced to say yes to me about doing things like watching shows together or playing games and that completely broke my self esteem. i feel like a idiot. idk why i even try i feel so unlovable.