I am so horrible when I have a relationship that I have been personally sabotaging myself for years. I don't go out, I don't flirt, I don't date. I'll probably die alone, but at least no one will get hurt. 

Dating used to be all I had. I didn't know what I was without my partner for a long time. Ignoring friends and all that... I was horrible.

I don't know if I can give up that "freedom" that feels like a curse. But I don't want to send anyone to that hellhole, either. I'm the absolute worst girlfriend once borderline kicks in again. 

Sometimes I think I might be better off long distance. So I don't have to be in someone's face and think about what I'm saying before I say it.