CW: sexual assault and sex

Hello

You can call me caffeine queen.

I was diagnosed with BPD on my 18th birthday because it was apperent i had it before then but they couldnt officially diagnose me til then.

On my first ever date i was sexually assaulted, not raped but assaulted. He forced me to give him a blow job when at first i consented and then wanted to stop, i stopped engaging but he forced my head down. I started disassociating and then for some reason my body started engaging but idk why, i couldnt control it.

There after whenever i went on dates and the guys kissed me or started being handsy i would disassociate and engage. I kept fighting for control again and then would disengage and the guys would back off after. 

I am starting to have severe flashbacke, nightmares and disassociation episodes about not only the assault but also my sexual encounters after. Its like i truamatized myself all over again

But the thing is i also crave the affection from a romantic partner because of my BPD so i am trying to find someone but i end up doing sexual stuff with them the first meeting because i dont want to yet and i disassociate and do it for some reason.

I was in a really sexual, toxic relationship a month or two ago so i feel that started enhancing my symptoms a bit. It took me a month to break it off with him because i feared the abandonment.

Idk how to deal with the diassociation because i end up doing stuff i legit dont want to do but cant control qhen i disassociate.

Anyone have any ideas? Ive stopped going on dates for now but i diassociate randomly too and i disassociated at work, started fumbling over my words and then had a panic attack.