*I know this post makes me sound like an enormous asshole, which I am, but I know sometimes people with BPD have infidelity issues, so I wanted to ask here.

I have BPD. I've done years of therapy...talk therapy, self-read DBT books (the DBT group class was full), CBT, etc.

Dealing with BPD and realizing the totality of who I am and all the deep shame and guilt has been an exhausting process. Every day I have to try to regulate myself in interactions with people I'm close to. I'm great with coworkers and friends, but people I'm closer to, it's much more of a struggle, as it is for a lot of us.

I was in a two-year relationship with someone with BPD who grew up in an abusive family, and the sex was awful. But I never, ever cheated on him or ever would cheat on him, because I know how much pain he went through in his life, and even if he never found out, I could not deal with the pain of possibly contributing more pain to his life.

He ended up cheating on me, and it broke my heart.

I'm seeing someone new now, who knows about my BPD. He's much stronger, much more emotionally mature. He's really great to me. But we're in a long-distance relationship. And it kind of scares me how good he is at reading me. I feel more transparent and vulnerable around him.

Last night I cheated on him by deliberately making out with someone I had seen years ago. I don't think it had to do with the internal emptiness; it was just nice and relaxing to have that physical release from sex and cuddling. 

It felt good. After the wreckage of my BPDxBPD relationship that ended with him cheating on me, it felt good and almost strong in a way to do this. I know rationally this doesn't make any sense. After so much therapy and self-discovery and pain, it felt good to go back to the way I was before, when I had less insight and felt more free in some ways. Free from knowledge. It also felt like an internal push away from my current partner, because how close we had become was scaring me. 

I don't really feel guilty about cheating. I know I should feel guilty. 

Has anyone else cheated on their partners? And what are your thoughts on it? 