Alright let me clarify. I know I’m in control of my actions. I would not cheat and then blame my disorder or blame poor impulse control. It would be entirely my fault. 

I have cheated before though. Wasn’t proud of it. Regretted it immediately. My boyfriend at the time gave me a second chance for some reason. And I cheated again. I hate myself for it. It was obviously terrible. But I struggled more then with needing validation, needing attractive men to want me. I felt helpless to lust and it’s hold over me. I wanted so much to be desired and to be craved the way I desired and craved validation, attention, and respect. Spoilers: you can’t get those things from making guys sleep with you (this isn’t an anti-casual sex rant so don’t come here to call me a slut shamer please). I’m just saying it left me feeling more empty and angry and lost. And it ruined my relationship as well as my self-worth.

So I am definitely not making excuses just explaining where I was at that time.

I felt like I “had” to sleep with these guys. Obviously it was my choice, but I mean, I felt so intoxicated by my desires. These powerful, enigmatic, sexy, interesting, but callous and uncaring, men. I was addicted to the idea of what salvation they could give me.

It was a sham. I got help. Therapy. Self-help books. Learning DBT. I learned that this type of sex and these type of men were unfulfilling and stopped feeling so addicted to it.

Get to the point, Jordan!

Okay so these feelings have come back, more or less. Strong sexual feelings. I have a very attractive boyfriend who is great in bed. His job leaves him very tired plus he has school. He goes to bed early. We don’t have much time for sex during the week.

I’m not blaming him or using that as an excuse, just background.

I’ve found myself fantasizing about a particular celebrity. Sexual, nasty dreams. They’re just dreams though right? I find myself getting super turned on watching Netflix, too, and being incredibly aroused by some of the attractive characters. Different from the aforementioned celebrity.

Okay again, still nothing off-base. I’m not craving validation or attention or whatever else. And it’s in my head! They’re not actions. But I fear that impulsive girl I used to be. I fear that in the wrong situation if an attractive man tried to take advantage of me, I’d let him.

It would still be my fault and intrusive/anxious thoughts keep telling me “don’t cheat don’t cheat”. It’s so stupid! Of course I won’t! I’m different now. I have come so far. I love my bf and we have a good relationship. I keep dreaming that I do cheat though. And the sense of guilt and dread I feel afterward. “I’ve been so in control, how could I let this happen!” In the dreams, it all feels out of my control.

Because that’s how it felt 6 years ago. I didn’t feel in control.

I’m trying to put my energy into other things. Distraction. Grounding. My mind is all over the place. My thoughts are racing. I feel disgustingly sexual. I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. But I’m so afraid I will—as if someone will come and possess my body and make me.

That’s how it felt then. But this is now. I’m still in control, right?

Does anyone else relate? Please tell me your stories