 

This is my first post, I'm not a writer by any means. Be kind.

Normally, I wouldn't even write something like this. I also suppose this is how most of these kind of stories start anyway, so it seems I'm not much different.

I'm 20 currently, and I just got diagnosed in November of 2019, so I had just turned 20 several weeks before that. It took me 20 years to figure out that basically every aspect of my life; the way I think, behave, perceive information and emotions, the way I see myself and others around me is bullshit, it's all "fake". That is how I see it. To me, it feels like I am not even who I am meant to really be, because of this illness. Like I am a passenger in my own brain. Let me try to explain a bit:

If you don't know what BPD is, you might want to google it first. But I also think there is this miscommunication that all BPD is the same, when it really isn't. Looking at BPD from an outside perspective, it does look the same because there are only 9 criteria on the list to begin with ( I have 8, you have to have at least 5 to be considered to have it). When digging deeper, BPD varies from person to person. Some people feel different emotions more intensely, for me, I developed worse anger problems. While another girl I some-what know that also has BPD, doesn't experience the intensity with anger but with anxiety. Another example, my choice of "harm" to myself is hitting things and myself, while someone else's could be getting into psychical fights, or they might not be violent at all, they may internalize all of it, but the emotions still hold the same intensity no matter how they are presented.

For me, now knowing that why I act the way I act is because of BPD, it has become harder to live, and that is why I am making this post. I'm not sure who else to "reach out" to. It seems like no one around me understands, but I suppose everyone always says that about their conditions, once again not making me much different.

It is a viscous cycle of wanting to get better, and feeling like giving up. Wanting to try, and wanting to disappear instead of having to deal with normal life responsibilities. Feeling like if I am here then it must be for a purpose, to feeling like I have no idea who I am anymore. A year ago, I was a completely different person than who I am now. I used to talk so loud you could hear me down the hall, I used to be funny, I used to be confident. I was the life of a party, a devil on your shoulder encouraging you to have fun and loosen up. I kicked ass in school, I made Honor's and worked almost 40 hours a week. Even in college when things started to negatively change, I still felt I had some sense of who I was and felt like I could still make an enjoyable life for myself. That was a year ago now.

Now, I talk so quietly to everyone I have to repeat myself at least once every time I talk. I like to stay in the background. The relationships I do have with people have become rocky and unstable ( this is also part of the condition so yes, it is expected but it doesn't mean it feels good), compared to how they were a year ago. I lost 55 pounds in 10 weeks as well, so even the physical me is now a completely different person too. To make it even better, I was the fat girl. No one is concerned when the fat girl starts to drop the weight. They encourage it. And how could they know? They can't read my mind, so no one is to blame here, but no one sees anything wrong with it when it is a heavy set individual losing weight compared to a lighter person. They don't ask questions, they say "You look amazing! Keep up the good work".

So now the individuals who were nice enough to read this far might wonder, what changed? Besides the BPD. What lead up to it?

BPD is suggested to be partly hereditary, but I can guarantee that every individual suffering from BPD has a history of trauma and abuse in some way, shape, or form.

I suffered abuse at a young age, I won't go into every detail, but in total I was abused by three different family members in a variety of ways growing up. In the more recent years, I was abused by my ex-boyfriend verbally, emotionally, and financially. Right after we broke up, is when I started to change. I am not blaming him in any way, because yes either way I would have developed BPD at some point, but that was the trigger for me. Getting abused again, getting my heart broken, feeling so low of myself, isolating myself in my college dorm for 2 weeks without showering, going to class, or the dining hall. Being two hours away from the people who I knew would be there for me, but also consistently hurt me as well. How do you vent to the people who hurt you about your hurt? How do the people who broke you also try to heal you? The whole thing was toxic, in summary. My body and my brain had had enough, and my BPD had started to develop.

It took me 7 months after that relationship to be diagnosed with BPD. Like I said, I am in no way blaming the guy, but I do think that what he did was icing on the cake in regards to my past trauma.

Now that I have explained, vented, exposed myself, I need help. I have a new boyfriend and we have been together for awhile, but issues keep arising because of my BPD. How do I change? How do I train myself to recognize episodes and keep the anger at bay? It's almost as if sometimes the words will slip out of my mouth before I can even process what I wanted to say. I have become mean, sarcastic, even sometimes bitter. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to look at life as a cycle of waiting for a short moment of happiness followed by a lifetime of sadness, over and over again. I want to be the person I know my partner needs. I think about having kids, I don't want to be a shitty manipulative mother. I don't want my kids to lay awake at night wondering why their mother has intense mood swings, takes their anger out on them, etc. I don't want to drive people away anymore. I want to be reliable, understanding, patient, and non-explosive.

I really feel like I will go crazy if I do not figure it out soon, please help.

\*\*\* BTW, I go to therapy once a week and I am in the process of getting on medication, I do make efforts!!! They just aren't enough :(\*\*\*