
i dont even know where to start all of this, now when i decided to write it all down my mind is completely blank, i am so sick of even existing. i am not suicidal nor do i plan to kill myself, i still have slight hope in myself that there is a reason for this happening and that me understanding why is just around the corner. that is what keeps me going, i guess. or i became so miserable that i have no energy to even kill myself. i dont even know. i know nothing. right now i am laying on the couch, 27, in a country of which i do not even know the language nor one living soul here. why? because my boyfriend made me prove his loyalty to him and i was ready to do absolutely anything to be like this for him, and of course, expecting the same in return. but i never got it in return. and i just want to know why? i have no family, my parents broke off contact with me 2 months ago when i wqs begging them for financial support just so i could have for my basic needs and wants and they did not want to help me. i grew up with a narcissist mother and very violent father, i have lived with my parents until 25 because at that point my mother manipulated me to the extent where i thought that this is all i deserve from life, being home, with my parents, every atom of me being controlled, not allowed to go out with certain friends because i was threatened that they gonna kick me out if i do. my father beat me physically until i was 17/18 to the point of such soreness that i could not walk for days at a time. but it was all i had, few times i tried to tell to my grandparents about it and i got kicked out from my parents house. my grandparents gave me a car - my parents sold it and took money for themselves, threatened me if i say anything to my grandparents that i will be kicked out. i did not hear “i love you” from them since i was 8. constantly making fun of me, of my weight, of how i look, of my hair on “unfeminine parts” of me, pimples, everything. i remember when i got my first period and i was so scared to tell it to my mother so i have stole her tampons, she noticed, forced me to strip naked in front of her and beat the shit out of me because i did not tell her that i got my first period. they used to lock me up in my room for hours everyday, go out and return home 30mins before my school started and let me out of my room to go get ready. i dont even remember 90% of my life because i forced myself to forgot. when i was 17 i got my first boyfriend, the first person that i liked and felt something for (just a highschool love, looking back now its funny) which with who i stayed for a year and a half, he cheated on me multiple times, called me in the middle of the night how he fucked some girl that lives 500km away from us because i did not want to fuck with him, and how it is my fault, how i am ugly and disgusting and that he had no choice but to cheat on me. foolish of me for even staying a milisecond with him, but i never had any self respect based on what i had with my parents my whole life, i thought once again i deserve this. friends always used me up for money (my grandma was giving me money for getting As at school) and it was my only way of keeping friends. they knew it, i knew it. fast forward to being 25. i have met such a wonderful guy online, it felt surreal, it felt like my patience and suffering has finally paid off and i got over it, i thought this was my reward for everything bad that ever happened. and what happened? i became obsessed with him, with his existence, with everything that he was saying that he was. he was all i ever wanted, at least presented himself as that. i was a virgin, he was a virgin too - which was very important to me, because i grew up in a household where my parents were first to each other and have spent their lives together, i was blamed to be a whore everytime i would hang out with my male colleagues from school or from neighborhood and i developed a fear of doing anything with man that i do not plan to spend my whole life with. and my ex cheating only intensified the importance of this to me. and i was so happy, finally someone who is the same as me on that topic. it took me 4 months to meet that man, i was terrified of any sort of rejection, i was terrified of my stretch marks, of my saggy boobs, of pimples - who looks like that at the age of 25? its a disgrace. i never in my life felt feminine or wanted. but he accepted me, we started dating, everything was going good until we moved in last year november. since then i have found out that he has, or had, i dont know what is true anymore, a serious porn addiction while talking with me, looking me in the eyes and for months telling me how disgusting and degrading it is, skipping every half naked scene of the movie because “he does not want to see that”, i told him many times without even knowing he has addiction that i would not mind if my boyfriend watched porn - and yet he still lied to me months and months and months on going about it. admitted that he was watching it at work and jerking off to it (spending all of his megabytes on the phone on it and because of that wasnt able to talk with me because no internet), how he watched it at home while i was in bed. we had sex everyday multiple times and did everything that was wanted and needed. today i found on his old phone a whole bookmarks category with folders called - new tier 1, tier 1, tier 2, tier 3 full of different pornstars, folder with skinny girls, folder with black girls (he claims that he is racist the whole relationship), step dad/dad/mom category and i just feel like i have been with an animal until now. he is just peacefully sleeping in our bed while i am crying holding onto my last straw in the living room asking myself why? why am i here again? since we moved here, he lied about his female coworkers, he was meeting her everyday, eating with her alone, meeting with her alone, keeping her as a secret away from me. he made me change my phone number - i did. he made me delete and block my years long friends from league of legends - i did. i moved into another country because of him where i do not know the language and because of corona finding a job was impossible. i am here stuck in a loop, i feel like i am in hell. i really do believe that i am in one. and i cannot anymore, i cannot for months anymore but it doesnt go away. he forced me to hate everyone so no one is a threat to him and to our relationship - and now after 2 years my brain is programmed to hate everyone. i cannot stand one living creature on this planet. i go out and i despise every woman that i see because i believe that my boyfriend would instantly cheat on me with her if he could. i caught him shamelessly staring at other women in front of me so many times… i feel threatened by his every talk with a woman, coworker, retail workers, post, anyone. everyone is a threat to me and i hate everyone that makes me smile and laugh and give him something that apparently i cannot give to him. yes i know that i am mentally ill, but it was a result of all the events that happened to me through my life. i feel like i am going insane, i avoid people as much as i can, i try my best not to say a word to anyone, i avoid even sitting next to a male in a tram/bus. all i ever wanted was to be all to someone, to be enough and to be worth of everything. yes i do know that i have nothing to offer because my will for life has died long time ago, but dont i deserve to be free and released from all of this? i hate myself, i hate every atom of my living body. i am bad at so many things and i get discouraged by every small inconvenience. i cannot anymore… i really cannot… there is so much more to this and if anyone wants to talk with me in depth or help me - please, please help me. i am at the point where i have to beg this from strangers on reddit. i didnt know where and to who else i could turn to. there is much more to what my boyfriend did to me but right now my mind is too scrambled to even think straight. i will write it later or explain it to people if anyone gives me a chance. i just cannot leave him, i have nowhere to go - my parents dont want me and i dont know anyone else. i have 200 euros on my bank account and i own barely anything. i live in austria and i do not know german and have been struggling with finding a job - i had few opportunities and 3 of them wanted for me to have sex with them in order to get a job, because i guess mens mindset is that i was already miserable enough to do that just for the sake of the job. then new lockdown, then more of the bullshit, it is impossible to find a job. i genuinely do not see a way out of this. what am i supposed to do? i cry and cry and cry, and cry more, i am surrounded by mess, uncleaned dishes, onvacuumed floor with barely any food left in the fridge. i have no energy or will to exist. why would i even? how do i get out of this? please someone help me, i am lost and i am scared to live like this my whole life, i can barely get through the day anymore. someone please help me, be it mentally, through talking, financially, any type of way, please…  there is much more to this than i wrote, i am just in so much pain and i dont see myself being able to survive one more day, my heart sinks so deep in my body and hurts so bad, i tried to convince myself that i can at least love myself but how can i if no one ever even tried to love me? not even my parents, not anyone