My boyfriend of 4 years (NPD) has completely sucked what little life I had left in me.  Tonight I lost it and threatened him and tore him a new asshole. I’m ashamed to say now that I told him I’d unalive him and myself.  

I feel so angry.  Drunk. Lots of
Cocaine.  The anger isn’t going away.  I actually ended up putting bullets in my gun and I was shocked at myself and realized I am legit going insane.  Almost psychopathic.  What should I do? I want to hurt him like he hurt me but I don’t want to unalive him or myself. I feel powerless and weak.  I left him push me to the deep end.  It feels like he was testing how far he could go.   The person I was when I met him is dead.  I don’t recognize myself.  He took my light  and will to live.   I’ve never felt this way befor.  I just want this pain to stop.