Writing this on a throwaway account. I am bipolar but extremely high functioning. I was diagnosed 12 years ago. I used to be active and loved going out. When I married my husband I was attractive and fit- I went from 110lbs to double that. I am no longer attractive and am obese. I am so ashamed to even leave the house anymore. I started to feel isolated and alone. I’m afraid to tell my husband this in fear he thinks he is not enough. The truth is that he is and I know it’s me who is not enough and it’s breaking my heart.  I have been crying myself to sleep and just wanting to quietly disappear. I am unmotivated, I don’t shower often bc I am not motivated, I am easily overwhelmed which in turn makes me not even start to do something. I am always very calm and patient at work and with my husband. I see my therapist every 5 weeks and report things are good.  I thought I was doing great but I’ve realized I have been lying to myself. Last night while crying myself to sleep I realized I maybe in a major depressive episode. All the symptoms have been there ( over eating, extremely unmotivated, feeling like you let be people down, guilt, and overwhelmed to the point of avoidance). I was thinking about telling my husband that after our trip next year I would like to go to an assisted suicide facility to end my life peacefully. However, we have big plans or things I want to do like buy a house and start our family with adoption. I am afraid there is nothing a dr can do to help me and not even sure what they can do to help me. I take all my meds religiously, so again I am not sure there is anything they can due to stop depression. I fear my therapist will be confused since I have been claiming I have been doing great. Has anyone ever not realized they were in a major depressive episode? We’re you able to overcome it? What did you do?