Full disclosure; I don't have an official BPD diagnosis. Im diagnosed with ADHD/OCD with periods of depression and I have a lot of matching symptoms for quiet borderline - issues surrounding identity, anxious attachment, high risk behaviors, extreme mood shifting particularly when it comes to dynamics with other people. Regardless of what my issue is i just wanted to share to people who might understand.

Im beginning to realize a huge cause of my unhappiness is my devaluation inner monologues. It makes me feel alone and crazy. Yes, I definitely put people on a pedestal, especially in relationships. I fall in "love" quickly, my excitement goes through the roof, the chemical feelings I have reach levels of a religious experience. When new relationship energy wears off, it gives me immense anxiety and fear of abandonment. Criticism starts creeping in. I feel like I could get that feeling back "if only". 

It usually correlates most to my perception of someone's excitement and approval of me.  I can overlook a lot of things if I feel like someone thinks highly of me. If I feel they don't approve of me or find something off putting about me, however small, I feel defensive and I try to "get ahead" of it or something, by focusing on things I don't like about them and making them into huge issues so I can convince myself that their opinion doesn't matter so much and I guess have "ammo" ready maybe?. I have imaginary arguments running in the background in my mind almost every day, often starting out subconsciously until I become aware that I'm doing it. Sometimes its not arguments, but imagining the advice I would give others to "fix" them. I am always analyzing others. Meditation has brought a lot of this to light and it's like a sound I never used to hear but now that I do, its driving me insane. 

I guess I feel lucky that I don't behave this way outwardly and can maintain long friendships and relationships. In my teens I had extreme behaviors like suicidality during perceived abandonment, demands for reassurance etc but I've learned how to control that after seeing how it pushed people away, and experiencing the disgust of being on the other end of it. But now all these thoughts just haunt me inside.

I can't stand having such shitty thoughts about people I love, and questioning my love for them and my ability to really love. I feel so selfish. It disgusts me when my boyfriend is going through depression and inside I make it about me, because I'm not enough to make him happy and its preventing my ability to feel good. I hate that I constantly feel critical, disappointed and sad after hanging out with my friends because It didn't feel amazing or some perceived slight that probably wasn't even real. I hate my knee jerk reaction to things that shouldn't even be that big of a deal, like if I imagine my boyfriend isn't attracted to me I make serious consideration of going out and fucking the whole world "at" him. I hate that I compare people constantly in my mind. 

Who could possibly love me if they knew the things I thought and felt? I wonder if anyone could really love anyone else if they knew what they really thought. That's why I'm so suspicious I guess, because of my own awful thoughts I always am wondering what nasty thoughts people have about me, always trying to find them in everything they do. The  struggle with ruminating makes all of this worse.

I guess I know a lot of it stems on putting myself on pedestals and falling off of them all the time too. I want to be this unconditionally loving being and when I feel good it's easy to imagine myself this way, when I don't it's like I'm the worst person in the world, very black and white thinking. I fixate on on my shitty thoughts trying to solve them rationally but can't get my feelings to match up. I know I over identify with my thoughts too.

Enough venting for now, feeling a bit better. I guess I know what a lot of the solutions are but sometimes it seems like none of them work if I don't vent my complaints...