I want to talk about this in the least selfish way I can. It's hard because I know it's not her fault and I adore her, but if I'm not honest about it somewhere i will spiral.

**MAJOR TW talk of SH and su\*cid3, I will not go into any detail ofc but it will come up.**

One of my best friends of nearly 3 years lives with BPD. Recently, as in only in the last 2 weeks she disclosed to me that I have become her favourite person. I didn't think much of it at first, I knew it wasnt something to be taken lightly, but I never could have thought it would have had the impact that it has, and I don't know how much longer I can cope. I will try and explain.

A day or two after she told me I had become her FP, she told me that she was going to buy blades to S.H. I spent hours trying to convince her not to do it but ultimately i couldnt stop her. We spoke after she did and she seemed like she was feeling a bit better by the end of the night, so I went to bed because I had work early the next day. I woke up to a text she'd sent me at 3am telling me she was going to end it all. I tried and tried but I couldn't get a hold of her, so very long story short, I called a crisis line and they sent someone to her house to check she was alright. Turns out she was asleep and they woke her up, afer which she called me and the first thing she said was "what is wrong with you?" she started laughing, saying I was doing too much and I should have known she wasn't going to do it first thing in the morning, that I woke her up from her sleep and it wasn't that serious. I was distraught. I hadn't felt fear like I did when I saw that text in a long time. I was on my way to work on the brink of tears thinking I would never see her again. We had a fight about it because I was trying to make her understand just how much her response had hurt me. I wasnt angry at her for feeling suicidal or even for telling me about it, I was upset at how she made me feel like I was exaggerating and had ruined her morning. But that in turn made her upset because she felt like she was a bad friend and I was going to leave her. She had a complete breakdown that went on for id say about 2 days, and I had to just pretend that it didnt affect me and I over it, because from the way she was talking,  she was going to attempt again if I stayed upset with her. I actually found the blades she bought the other day when I went to her house- she started picking up the box and playing with it so I took it from her and she kept trying to grab me and go in my pockets to get it back, saying it was hers, and SH was the same as smoking so if I was allowed to have cigarettes she should have a right to harm herself. It went on for forever.And she knows I'm recovering from self harm myself, but she doesn't seem to even consider me at all anymore :/

Despite just how upset it made me, she's brought it up again in a joking context. Joking that her suicidal ideation affected me more than it did her, still joking that I was doing too much and I should have known she wasn't that serious. But I can't express to her any time shes doing anything that's had a remotely negative impact on me because it sends her into a breakdown. Recently, I tried to tell her to just give me a warning if she's going to talk about SH, which she often will do spontaneously in graphic detail, because I myself am in recovery, and she got so upset that she stopped talking to me for almost the entire day. She constantly asks me if I like my other friends more than her. She can't accept that I have other friends that I love as much as her. She has said that if i really loved her i would drop everything and everyone around me for her. If i talk about other plans with other people, if i talk about how much i love other people around me or anything positive that they've done she makes me tell her that I feel the same about her. She makes me say i love her, over and over and over again and asks me if I really mean it because she doesn't think I do. If i text her the wrong way she makes me change what I said, and promise her i didn't mean it the way she interpreted it, but the thing it sometimes it will be as simple as a letter in the wrong place, or that I didn't capitalise something. I talked about how the person I'm seeing right now has given me a boost of self confidence and she said "do i not make you feel confident? am i not doing enough?" that's another thing. She excessively hates the person I'm seeing right now. We haven't had the perfect start to the relationship and they've made a couple mistakes but have redeemed themselves in my eyes, the mistakes were nothing serious in the slightest. But she has literally banned me from talking about him. Like I'm not exaggerating she won't let bring them up unless it's negative talk or she just ignores me. If i even mention their name she gets angry. I understand being a bit funny towards them because of some of the mistakes they've made but the severity at which she despises this person- it scares me sometimes. And maybe it's worth mentioning, I really do not think it's a case of her having feelings for me because she's gay and I'm a guy.

If we're on the phone, she won't let me hang up. She tells me if i go then I'm leaving her and i dont love her, even if I have things to do she just tells me to stay on the phone and she'll mute herself. If I go to her house she basically doesn't let me leave. She'll beg me to stay longer even if I have work the next day, or if it's really late and i need to get the last train. And I mean she'll be on the verge of tears. I'm starting to get really scared if i am honest. Yesterday she told me she needs to give me something of hers 'to remember her by' and then when i told her that im really worried about her she just told me i dont need to be worried and it's fine. My emotions feel like they're being shaken every time I am with her. As someone who was a victim of nearly 2 decades of domestic and child abuse, i am in no way trying to say that my abuser is comparable to her, but sometimes some of the things she says and does scare me in the same way that he did. The feeling on edge, the not being able to leave, the worrying about if I'm saying and doing the wrong thing all the time. I think she's trying to isolate me from the people around me. She keeps telling me about how all the people who are no longer in her life are horrible people and she is never the problem.Some of them, she says they just 'felt wrong' or 'felt like they didn't care about her enough'. This includes ex FPs .And I know this is a bit mean to say, but i am starting to wonder if that's really the case, and if I will become one of those so-called horrible people at some point. 

I don't know what to do. I miss what our friendship was like before all this. If I'm honest I am still so so so upset with her about the su\*cid3 call incident that happened last week, amongst some other things, but I can't tell her that. And on top of that the other day at work (we work together) she just switched on me for seemingly no reason, (later she told me it's because she thought she was being a bad friend to me and felt guilty about it) and stopped talking to me completely, and was actively doing things to make the job harder. And then when i tried to tell her how that made me feel, she told me she was in the bathroom looking for something poisonous to drink. It was just me and her in the store. I can't cope with this anymore, I feel so so guilty saying it but i feel like there is a weight on me. It's barely even been 2 weeks and I feel so heavy. Since becoming her FP we've barely had a normal conversation. She just talks to me all the time about how she wants to end it all, how she's SHing, how she doesn't believe I love her, etc etc etc. I want to save our friendship but I fear if i even suggest something like we should have some space even if i promise her i will come back and this isn't me ending the friendship, either she will never talk to me again or something worse. But the way she's made me feel these past 2 weeks, I don't even really want to talk to her sometimes.

Any advice would be more than welcome. There are more things that have happened but I feel like I've given enough detail and this is already much longer than I intended it to me