Even typing the word out is scary.

And I feel like most people mistake me for being lazy. I'm 25 and the only job I haven't quit in days were stocking in a store, which I forced myself to stick out for 2 months, and recently, illustration. But now the project I was working on ran out of funding so I don't even have that. I've never had a "real" job in my life and never got a college degree simply because of the cost and I know for sure I couldn't handle it *and* a job, so I'd just go into debt.

I *want* to do something and I *want* to make money and be financially independent. Conversely, I feel like I deserve to be punished with work as well so when I get a job I like, I feel immensely guilty for not complaining while I listen to everyone else.

I have CPTSD from my childhood with triggers surrounding money and dominance.

This has been since I turned 17 and some of my friends got jobs. They talked about them all the time, so I began to just cut everyone who has one out of my life. I feel like their incessant talking about it is indirectly bragging. I started to perceive them to have a "privilege" to complain, especially when they all got more and more "corporate" jobs that they hate. I will leave chatrooms as soon as any words like job, work, shift, boss, coworker, meeting, etc. come up. Like if someone says brb I have to go to a ***meeting***, I'll block them, and I've either blocked or simply ghosted everyone I ever knew. I hate when they complain about coworkers and how "lazy" they are. I feel like that's how people see me when I freeze with fear or all coordination goes out the window due to fear and I mess up. When I mess up I can't bear to show my face there again so I usually just quit. I'd rather be fired without any words than be chastised, so I make it happen.

There are just so many things that are scary about it and I know where the fear started, but after years it's become an irrational phobia/anxiety that ruins and rules my life. I have no friends left.

I've searched the internet far and wide and everyone else's accounts of "work anxiety" are mild compared to what I feel, everyone hates work and everyone is able to shake it off and just go instead of feeling endless paranoia and panic until the day they quit. I even start to feel like other people from work are watching me and judging how I spend my salary and judging how I'm "improving" outside of work. It's even worse in the age of social media. So I have no accounts.

I'm a very calm person on the outside all the time, you won't see me cry or panic at work so no one thinks there's a problem, or when I say these things, they believe I'm exaggerating. I can't say this to assert the gravity irl, but I feel like a job ruins my life to the point that I've seriously planned how to successfully commit suicide to avoid facing one for the rest of my life. If jobs were the definition of the word and someone was just telling me what they wanted done without the drama, manipulation and bullshit I'd be fine, happy to work

but as it stands now the atmosphere is completely overwhelming and triggering to me, especially given my past.

&amp;#x200B;

I refuse medication. Is there anything else I can do to curb this issue so that I might have options other than suicide, being homeless, or living the rest of my life unable to enjoy *what* I'm supposed to be working towards (money)?