My home has always been a rocky experience. 

I feel like there are way too many bad memories that I just can't stop thinking about over and over again. Now don't get confused, my parents love and care for me. However, the relationship between them was not healthy at all. There were always fights between them every day, in the car, during holidays, vacations, restaurants, and at home. They recently divorced after a violent 30 years together.

I moved to college around 4 months ago and honestly, I feel less anxious than how I was back at my old house. The holidays are coming up and my dad wants me to stay over for a week with him because he does not want to be alone for thanksgiving. Thing is... I can't go back.  Every single time I think of me visiting the old home I get on the verge of a panic attack. There are way too many bad memories that I do not wish to recall. It is odd since I have been told that it can't be a sign of PTSD even though I have flashbacks of my parents screaming and when I had my worst depressive and panic attack episodes. I can't even see pictures of my old room without getting flooded with undesired memories. There are good memories but it seems that the negative ones outweigh the positive ones. I am embarrassed telling my dad why I don't want to go back to visit because he will think it is idiotic to have that mindset. Perhaps he is right, but I can't change that. 

I wish to not be chased by the past anymore; however, it finds ways to follow me when I think I am free. I love my parents but I don't love my home. There was a point where it was my safe space. Not anymore. Too many bad things happened there and I want to stop getting these flashbacks from affecting my present life. 

My mental health has had detrimental effects because of past events and even if it sounds selfish, I want to improve my mental well-being, even if it means being critiqued by my dad on how I exaggerate things. However, I do not know how to tell him.