I went like 5 years without major problems happening with friendships, and 3 really, really good years without major BPD related problems happening in my relationships. Of course, there were small problems, maybe arguments between my also BPD best friend, but still, my social worker giving me a book about BPD and using therapies to  combat the black and white thinking (which began about 3 years ago) has improved my life so much... until a few weeks ago when I lost. my shit. 
Against my better judgment, I decided to sign a lease I wasn't 100% comfortable with. It was with my current roommate who, even though we had no major battles, I was not really compatible with, and my closest friend at my graduate program. I knew they were both very type-A and I am not, and my new BF lived really far from the apartment. I had also been asked to live with another person, but refused because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings..and signed this lease.  Often I still lied to myself about BPD, and how I just thought, "Oh I can handle this." 
But wow. I could not handle it, and the more excited they got about it the more nauseous I got. I also hated moving, and was going to another location all summer. Also, exams had just occurred and I was at stress-level midnight. Of course, a great time for BPD to rear its ugly head.
As soon as I heard they had kinda conspired to not draw straws regarding rooms (like we had agreed to) I blew a gasket. Like really, I went fucking insane with text messages. I said I really didn't want to be friends anymore and that they had preyed on me because I am weak. I really lost it via text and got pretty mean. They were concerned, and very hurt and my BF (who is really great) organized a sit-down at his house where I was staying, but my behavior didn't change until I went home and realized "Oh shit, I am such a toxic person." I had felt so angry in the moment, and so betrayed by something so small that likely had very little to actually do with me. My friends are pissed and confused. I had not acted even a tiny bit like I had done in the year they knew me. I don't think we will ever be as close again. I can find a subletter, and a place closer to my BF's, but...
I feel 1) like I have lost years of progress, and 2) ashamed and exposed, and really sad that I have hurt my friends. I can barely sleep through all the guilt and shame.
