So, I don't usually use Reddit for stuff like this but I've been having a rough time about things for the past year and I saw some videos about Schizophrenia and it feels like a lot of stuff is clicking for me about my mental health and how bad it's gotten... I have a lot of social anxiety so it has been a lot easier for me to isolate and I don't know how to ask my friends or family for help and I have little motivation to do so because I don't want them to think I'm doing bad. 

**I have severe social anxiety and a lack of motivation so I am scared to call a doctor (I don't have a GP) or whether I call a psych first or what. I have health insurance through my mom so that isn't an issue. Can someone explain the process of what to expect and how to call a doctor to get treatment? What were your experiences and how did you get on medication? I really don't want to have to get inpatient treatment but I feel like it's headed that way if I don't get treatment soon.** 

*This section is basically all that I've been worried about, I just needed to get it off my chest because I don't know anyone who has struggled like this with their mental health. I'm obviously not looking for a diagnosis from Reddit, I just wanted to share my struggle. I just feel really alone. This could be triggering for some people I suppose.* 

For context, last year my dad died after a long battle with cancer and I feel like I have been getting worse since. I was working a management job at a big retail chain (I had been working management a few years between two different jobs) and I really liked this job and the people I was working with. A few months after my dad's death, I forgot to take the money out of a register after we closed (which really isn't a big deal, it's just a write up at the chain I worked at). I started feeling like there was no way I could've done that and the ASM on duty that night felt the same way, we looked at the cameras and didn't see us doing it because we were looking at the wrong date. After that, for a week I was searching for evidence because I was convinced that the morning cash person was out to get me, until I looked at the cameras again and found the right night. I felt so crazy and ended up putting in my notice at that job because I made such a big deal about such a small thing because I had never made mistakes like that as a manager... 

I found another job during my notice as an assistant GM at a pretty popular casual restaurant chain that came with a nice pay increase and the work in restaurants as a manager is a lot simpler so I thought it would be fine. So everything was relatively okay, everyone hates their job but I was doing okay with it until the GM quit and I had to take over as acting GM. So my boss was going over payroll with me and was making me change people's declared tips so they wouldn't have to pay them minimum wage (which is illegal, but pretty common practice with servers unfortunately regardless of restaurant) and it made me go off the deep end. I was convinced that there was widespread wage and employee abuse, racial targeting of my employees, PPP fraud, and finally I was convinced that they were run by the mafia and that they were out to get me. Yesterday, I looked over all the "evidence" I printed out and it was just a bunch of nonsense like old schedules, time sheets, pay records, and inventory stuff that wasn't going to matter. I never cashed my last two checks because I was so scared I was going to get whacked. 

I've not been working and I've just been living off inheritance money from my dad for the past 7 months. I haven't been reckless with it, I've just been spending it on bills and food mostly. I have been drinking quite a bit to calm my nerves but I take breaks so I don't get physically addicted. I have, for the most part, isolated myself but put in some effort to seem like I am doing okay. I wanted to go back to university later this month but I don't think I have the motivation to do it. I have hung out with friends or family a few times and tried to seem okay but I guess in retrospect I really haven't been. 

Since I left my job, I have effectively done nothing. I have gained 20lbs and have had weeks where I don't get out of bed and just watch tiktoks all day in the dark. Some days I feel motivated and I find it to be a victory when I watch a TV show or play a video game because it's accomplishing something. A lot of this seems like just depression but I find myself having hypothetical conversations or debates with people and look at my phone and see I've been doing that for 5 hours. Like I know they aren't there but it's like a circular conversation about the same thing over and over. 

I don't really hear voices, sometimes when I'm falling asleep I hear someone saying my name or bangs or general racket. When my neighbors do something or are talking loudly I think they are mad at me. I don't drive anymore, I've just let my car sit because I am scared I'm going to get arrested for my tags being dead, and I'm too scared to go to the DMV to get them updated because I'm afraid they'll say no and that I can't do it. I got a flat tire last month and haven't had the motivation to get it fixed. I even quit vaping simply because I was too scared to cross the street to get pods at the speedway (it's a highway with two lanes on each side and a turning lane with red lights, not very safe to cross generally and I guess I don't really need to because everything I need is available without crossing). I don't know if it's a vision problem or visual hallucinations, but when I read the words wave and when I look at my popcorn ceilings they twist like when I've used lsd (I only used it 3 times when I was in high school). I've seen that this can be a sign of schizophrenia too. 

The only thing I can luckily find motivation to do consistently is make sure my cat is fed and his litter box clean, I love him a lot. He isn't the most cuddly cat, but it is nice to not be completely alone all the time. 

I want to learn how to code or learn data science and get a job where I'm not dealing with general public customers constantly, that's what I was going to go back to school for this fall but I just don't see how I can get out of this rut. It feels like I've been declining a lot and I don't know how to get help.

I went to my university's psych clinic for therapy a few years back but I wasn't having issues this bad and there wasn't a psych evaluation. 

Tldr;

I am having a lot of symptoms. What do I tell a doctor's office when I call about this? What is the process like to get treatment (preferably outpatient)? What kind of meds did you start with?  Will it get better? I'm scared but I hope it's good that I can now recognize that I have a problem even if I didn't for all these months.