My life hit a tailspin a decade ago.  My mother passed away when I was 35 and we were extremely close.   It was a 3 year struggle with cancer.  During the time of her illness I was so depressed I couldn't function.  I made sure she got to her appointments, and had what she needed but that was all I could manage.  No life for me.  I got dressed on her hospital days to put on the act but that's it.  I've been struggling with this monster ever since. 

Now ten years later Im drowning and I cant will my way out of it.  One of my Docs theorized that Ive always had varying degrees of depression, I was just in a better position to fight it off.  Work, friends, kids, responsibilities kept me occupied. Now, I have no one.  A few friends to preoccupied with their own lives to give much of a shit.  Adult kids that thankfully doing their own things. Just me, alone in an empty assed rented room wishing for a way out. Not suicidal really, but I wouldn't mind a fatal heart attack or something right now.