I am getting pretty good at repressing the crazy. 

My current FP is someone who I know only online and have completely cut myself off from him now. Even before I cut him off, I managed to avoid smothering crazy behavior, I resisted the urge to copy his interests, etc etc. 

I haven’t self-harmed in years and likely won’t ever again. I don’t indulge in feeling suicidal. Etc. 

When I find myself splitting on someone I just walk away instead of letting them know how I feel. When I dissociate, I distract myself until I come back to myself. 

Last night I thought about this too much and now I’m pissed off. Because it isn’t as though there’s normal, healthy feelings underneath which are waiting to rise to the surface. By repressing everything, I’ve made it so I am acting, constantly. Just acting a role. 

And I hate it.