I am absolutely losing control, all I can think about is doing the unalive. I know it's abrupt but it's all I can think about and all I've been able to think about for hours. I have the means I've lied to everyone and said I don't but I do. I'm at wits end here, I might just go get drunk and call it a day. 

But like on the plus side I'm on the verge of impulse buying a violin and if I buy that I can't really die before I get to absolutely ruin the overall beauty of music forever.