Tw - Sui and self harm

This year has given me the most challenges; long term break up (and the mental unpacking it takes), family issues, study issues, PLENTY of mental health struggles. All year I have been jumping from crisis to crisis, with never enough time to recover in between. I'm beyond exhausted, I feel so lonely and hopeless and miserable.

I'm putting in as much work as I can. I'm keeping up with my antidepressants, got benzos for the bad times without taking them too often, dropped a paper of my study, started full blown therapy, kept in touch with my social worker. I have a solid professional support network.

None of it feels enough. My social anxiety has been the worst. I can't see my friends, I can't enjoy the people I love. Everyone feels temporary and I watch for the signs of them getting ready to leave. I usually struggle to be vulnerable, but now it feels unhealthy. My depression is feeding off it and this depressive episode has felt particularly strong

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm exhausted. I relapsed and self harmed again today. I've already had an attempt interrupted several weeks ago. 

I cannot describe how much of a negative influence I feel I am to the people I care about. I'm miserable, I'm not fun, I'm secretly very needy but deal with it by isolating. I'm pushing my closest friends away because I truly feel I'm ruining everything with them. 

I feel no worth or hope for me. Only thing keeping me going is wanting to give therapy a solid chance. But I don't know if I can make it until my next appointment