Ahhh depression hair. How I have *knot* missed you. 

Haha, I’m so sad though, really.

I’ve been almost afraid I guess you could say to leave the house and go to work this week.

My psych. has been lowering my Effexor in order to switch me, my period came annnnd I had a consult to get more info about doing a future DIEP Flap/double-mastectomy due to a genetic condition. Oh, I’m also only 27-30, this would have to be by 35 at the latest.

The perfect depression storm and impulsive behavior harbinger.

I need a shower, my hair is getting matted, I haven’t washed my face in a couple days. I’ve hardly left my bed in a few days just binge reading trying not to think about losing my breasts.

Feel weird even saying anything because I don’t actually have cancer and it’s “my choice”, but it’s very, very likely hence I have to do the surgery.

It’s like this giant ticking clock around my head.

I feel safe in my home, in my room. I need to go back and I will but Jesus Christ I feel like a fucking failure this week. 

It’s not even the first time I’ve done something like this. It’s full on flight response as I head there with so many people.

Dammit. I hate my genes and this fucking brain so much sometimes. I’m too ashamed to even tell my partner I’m still home today. How awful I look. I know he won’t judge but it’s still there.