I stopped following this thread a while because I thought I was doing quite well. But I think i relapsed again yesterday.

I started seeing a psychologist a few weeks ago, it's still not therapy though rather some sort of counceling to check if I'm mentally ill in the first place.

The last few weeks I've been quite busy, I had the chance to do what i love and I was surprisingly for the first time that good at it. Got a lot of applause and complements for it even. 


But afterwards a friend of mine, whom I like, was hanging around more with another friend than me. I, not getting her attention as much as I wished, was already stressed the whole night and that stressed me even more. She knows all about my problems and I already told her I'm fine with her hanging with him. But I just still couldn't handle it. And that got me even more stressed. I felt emotionally empty and that just turned into self-worthlessness, loneliness and (of course) shame, because everyone else could see that something's wrong. I was still needed on site so I couldn't just go. I went home later wishing I've had never been born. Now I'm lying on my bed, I haven't ate anything more that 4 pieces of toast bread and have been smoking and thinking about last night the whole fucking time. I talked to a very old friend and it didn't seem to bring much afterwards. I don't know what am I expecting with writing this. I just wish I were different.