on the anniversary of his suicide I thought I would share a little about my brother in law.  

Mark was born in a very small Texas town.  His family life was full of trouble.  He came from a broken home, both his parent's hated each other with a passion.  His father was a devil or a man heaping physical and emotional abuse onto his children in the name of god fearing religion. 

Mark grew up to be a very handsome and well liked teenager.  He had an older half brother and half sister who he had a good relationship with and were only a couple of years older than him.  

It was around his Junior Year in HS that I met him.  I had started to date his brother who had just graduated HS.  

Mark was very popular with the everyone.  He dated quite a bit.  With little to do in these small Texas towns drinking and sex seemed to be an easy go to on a weekend where the nearest movie theater or bowling alley was more than an hour away.  

Mark had an ex girlfriend who he despised.  They dated for a few months, but he broke up with her.  He moved on.  Then one night during a drug and alcohol fueled party they hooked up.

She got pregnant. 

Abortion is not an option in that community.  His parents both were clear on that, as well as hers. 

With so very few options for someone about to graduate HS.  He joined the army.  

On his wedding day a few months later he said before he walked down the aisle that "he hated this bitch and was only marrying her to provide their child stability, health insurance and a mom and dad".  Something his childhood lacked.  We all tried to talk him out of it.  He did not have to marry her.  Nor should he join the army just for the health insurance or paycheck.  But he was never good in school and he knew he did not want higher education.  The best he could hope for would be stocking shelves or maybe a mechanic if he found someone to teach him.  

So they married and he joined the army.  He was sent to Iraq because this was 2002. 

She lived on the army base raising their daughter.  He was already gone before she was born.  

He didn't get to come home much.  News agencies reported that many soldiers often were denied any leave home due to the shortage of troops during the first couple years of both our wars in the middle east. 

When he did come home, he was very different.  Physically he was in amazing condition.  Having used much of his down time to exercise.  Mentally and emotionally he was in a much different place.  He was angry, ready to fight.  The short time he was back in the states he had been in a number of bar fights.  

His wife was a simple small town girl.  She had no idea what to do.  It was all she could do to teach herself how to raise a child as well as pay bills.  The army had moved them out of state and away from any support she might have had. 

Mark went back to the middle east. 

When he came back he found out his wife had been cheating on him with several different men.  Local men from town, soldiers.  She was lonely.  They never really liked each other, although she loved being the wife of a soldier.  They had now spent more time apart then the whole amount of time they had ever known each other.  

Needless to say, we were not surprised this happened, but Mark was devastated.  This hurt his manhood and his pride.  He felt sure that he was being laughed at by her and the men she cheated on him with.  

They divorced.  She got custody of their child due to him being overseas as much as he was. 

He was still in his early 20s and already divorced.  

Mark was finally transferred back to the military base close to his home town.  He was not overseas as much as the first few years.  He was able to be a part time dad.  He was able to navigate custody and not let his hatred for his ex consume him.  

Then Mark started dating a new girl.  But not so new.  She was the cousin of his ex.  After a couple of months of dating she announced she was pregnant.  BTW Mark never believed in using protection.  That was a woman's job to be on the pill. 

Several months go by as he prepares to be a Dad for the 2nd time.  He will do it right this time he tells everyone. He is not marrying anyone till he feels he is ready.

The baby born and its very obviously part Asian.  Mark is 100% not.  

Turns out that his current girlfriend was pregnant before they met, but Mark is bad with math and didn't understand how the birth date of the child could be 7 months from the time he met his GF.  Mark was good looking, but not a great thinker. 

He went on a rampage, tracking down the childs father and threatening him with a gun.  Threatening his GF (now ex girlfriend).  All the money he spend on doctors bills while the she was carrying the baby came from his savings.  All the vitamins and food and classes.  Down the drain.  It took the military stepping in on his behalf to stop him from going to jail.  

Family tried to comfort him.  But between his PTSD from the war and the constant lies and betrayals, he was in a dark place. None of us knew how dark.  He was in his mid 20s and he felt his life was over.  He was so mad and embarrassed.  

Finally what seemed to be some good news. The mother of his child was arrested for dealing Meth and using.  She was living in a meth house with other people and often she would abandon their child at home alone to find money and drugs.  At almost 6 years old his child had never attended one day of school.  She had lied to him about anything having to do with her education and he was not smart enough to figure it out.  

He got full custody.  His daughter was the light of his life, pulling him out of depression.  He also started to come to terms with something else in his life.  He was bisexual.  In the past, in High School, in the military he had experimented with guys.   He was now coming into some sort of acceptance.  Although it was nothing he was every going to tell his parents.  My main fear for him was about using protection and being safe.  He loved to drink, he hated to think.  So we did what we could to educate him and link him to resources.  

His life seemed to be getting back on track.  But there was a secret he had kept hidden for a couple of years.  Just like his ex wife, he enjoyed using drugs on occasion.  He was able to keep it hidden and function.  But now the stress of being a full time Dad was getting to him.  He wanted to buy a home and the paperwork confused him.  He was exploring his sexuality and at 27 years of age he was trying to make up for lost time.  

But the drug use grew.  None of us knew it.  We all had our own lives and at family events he seemed fine.  When we would chat with him on the phone he seemed fine. 

Then we got the call.  Mark was under arrest.  He had allowed a friend of his to do things to his almost 8 year old daughter while they were both high on meth.  The child was with CPS.  The military was providing him a lawyer.  It's hard to describe the mixed feelings you have knowing how screwed up he was but also being very protective of his innocent girl who had two parents who failed her.  

In our small town, the public found out about it and he had to abandon his home and go back to living on the army base.  He started therapy.  

One night he texted me and said "I need help.  I need to get out of the military, I need to make right what I did to my little girl.  I need more therapy." I encouraged him to sit with his brother and me and we can help him make a plan.  We had temporary custody of his daughter.  But we hoped that all this damage could be repaired with forgiveness, therapy and love.  He said he would sit down with us.  He would see us this weekend after he met with his lawyer and start to figure things out.  He was very afraid of going to jail, but understood that what he did was monstrous and the price would have to be paid.  He also understood that the military was going to be 100% behind him and that perhaps they could keep him out of jail.  We told him that whatever happens we loved him and that we understood how his life had derailed and we could help him get back on track.  

The next day while at home he shot himself in the head.  

Not sure how to end this.  Its been a decade.  We understand the pain he was in and how dark the future looked.  But we all honestly felt that he had hit rock bottom and would be able to build himself back up.  He was 29 and just a couple of months shy of his 30th birthday.  

His little girl is a college student studying to be a lawyer today.  She is very independent and intelligent, but has always kept people at a distance.  Many people will say that what he did was a secret blessing.  That she had a better life once he was gone, but I do not think that is true.  Neither does she.  

When I close my eyes I see Mark paying for his crime.  Then making the most of his life.  Perhaps working in security, or learning to be a fitness trainer.  He would never be rich.  But he might have found a little happiness.  Maybe had a small apartment and could have moved close to his daughter and they could have both attended family therapy and maybe there could have been some healing. 

Maybe he would have be turning 40 content with life.  Having a daughter that forgives him.  Putting the war behind him.  Finding a man or woman who loved and accepted him.   

None of his family members think life turned out better for any of else with his death.  In fact for the longest time there was a lot of blaming of each other, internalized blame, depression, fighting over an outdated will.  Not one day goes by that we do not think about him.  I wish he had known that no matter how bad things got, he would have had his family helping him get through it.  Not all his family.  His father was a bastard who wrote him off when his crime came to light.  But for those people who really knew and understood him.  We were behind him.  

If anyone reading this has ever felt hopeless, find the people and the help to survive.  Its worth it.