I'm posting this here because I need guidance and an ear, and I have no one to go to IRL. So I am what you would call a "former gifted child" - you know, the polite, no-trouble, always at the top of the class kid. But starting from 8th grade or so, my school performance started to decline, and I developed depression and social anxiety.   


I am now a university student (final year) and I have been at the bottom of my class for all of my undergrad years. I know there are worse things in life than doing bad in school, but academic success for me was the only thing that gave me a sense of worth. It was the only thing in life that I was good at. I at least could fit the description of "Yeah, she's ugly, socially inept, and has no personality, but at least she's doing great academically." Now I don't even have that, and I feel like I have nothing going on for me. I feel like a failure and loathe myself every single day.   


I have a hypercritical mother who always criticized everything I did and mocked me in front of our relatives and her friends. Everything I did was wrong. As a result, I have zero self-confidence and I second-guess everything I do. I have no friends due to a combination of social anxiety and the fact that I have been taken advantage of in the very few close friendships I had. So I choose to be alone, even if I'm always lonely.   


I try to salvage whatever chance I have at academic improvement, but I've become so afraid of failure that I can't even bring myself to do anything school-related. And even when I'm able to bring myself to study, it's never really productive - I could literally be at my desk for 10 straight hours and still get absolutely nothing done.    


I daydream a lot, especially during finals, and it has gotten to the point where I sort of shielded myself from my current reality and mentally distanced myself from the expected reality of my future. And I just don't even know how I'll be able to fend and provide for myself being a stereotypical naive, small-town girl who knows nothing about how the world works.  


I'm always amazed at how my colleagues can get so much studying done, all while some are working part-time, or have a child, or going through health or family issues or what have you. And here I am living with my parents, with no responsibilities and all the time in the world, and yet I am a total failure and a disappointment.  


Sorry if this was too long and all over the place, I just needed to get this off my chest and possibly find someone to talk to. (Therapy is not an option for me atm, and I didn't know where else to go.)