I have posted on this subreddit as I am very confused and worried about my mental health. I am currently going through being assessed for depression as I don't think I've been properly happy in about two years but recently I read about BPD and the symptoms seem to be a textbook definition of myself. My episodes of severe depression and suicidal thoughts mostly follow me being rejected socially or me being extremely jealous, I have a 'favourite person' who I even idolise sometimes, I crave validation that I'm important and loved and most of my crushes have stemmed from the person I have a crush on validating me and showing me attention. My self esteem changes a lot, I can go from hating myself and wanting to die to feeling as if I'm being wronged by the world and that nothing's my fault. I often find myself dissociating and I isolate myself a lot, sometimes I isolate myself as a form of self punishment but other times it's to see if anyone notices. I feel as if there is a void within me most of the time [I feel empty, shameful, lost and alone] and I have tried many things to stop this. It started as trying to create art and poetry to distract myself but I stopped because I felt like I wasn't any good at it. I've tried stealing, drinking, vandalism and self harm but stopped most of them [except for drinking, that went on a while] when I realised that I still craved validation and felt empty after doing these things. In addition, I am impulsive in the sense that I'll rebel against authority and if I feel like doing something, I'll just go ahead and do it most of the time as long as it doesn't involve hurting anyone [especially those close to me] so I'll be really reckless but if my parents find out I'll be devastated over hurting them. My temper can be very short and I often suffer from sensory overload. My fear of abandonment can be quite intense, I text my 'favorite person' numerous times if they don't respond as I am worried they hate me if they don't respond and I once broke up my band because I was so scared that they'd kick me out for being a bad musician that I caused fights with them so they'd kick me out for being argumentative rather than being a bad musician. I get severe paranoia about my parents plotting against me.

The only thing that's stopping me from getting assessed is the fact I'm a teenager. I'm scared that people would write this off as hormones or even that it is just hormones and I would seem like an idiot for even thinking that there's something wrong with me. None of my peers seem to be experiencing these issues to the extent I do. Also I've had a few of these symptoms since I was quite young but I'm not sure if BPD starts that early.