Another night and I am worried to go to sleep. Every night I worry if the nightmares will come back, if I keep waking up all night long or if god for bid that I sleep for more than 2 hours! I can not make my mind up if day or night is worse. In the day I am scared of going out and the night I am scared of nightmares.
I am so tired. I am taking more drugs than I care to count (medication) I have started to drink spirits for the first time in 3 years and..... more than anything else I can not find my self to trust anyone. 
I spend every day not being able to work people out. I replay every conversation I have with someone just in case I have missed something. 
I echo what a wise person said on this sub..... I am too scared to kill my self but I really hope something bad will happen to me! For the last few months I had been hoping I had the virus! How bad is that! (Sorry for anyone who has lost someone too it). 
Every night I hope that I do not wake in the morning. Life is not worth this!
I follow the problems other people have on this sub and I feel so bad for them. They still have a life in front of them. I am 45 and I so badly wish that it had ended 10 years ago. 
People may say that I am strong and worth it but I do not see it or feel it. 
I found out back in March that I have EUPD after years of therapy. Now I feel that I am better off alone and to just keep away from everyone. I so badly want someone in my life who I can trust to just be me! I know it does not exist but I always hope. Now I feel I have no hopes or dreams. 
Every night I lay my head down and I hope so much that I never wake up again. One day I will not but I so wish it was tonight. 
I have no idea if anyone will read this or not, but I will finish with this. I was once told that I was a survivor. Surviving is just not enough. Surviving is not living. Surviving is hell!
I really do hope you all are doing better than me today.