Jesus Christ there is so much that I just can't keep holding inside anymore.  I'm so tired of putting on this stupid mask, but I can't drop it.  I'm the happy kid, I'm the kid who makes stupid unfunny jokes. I'm the kid who's always laughing.  They could never be hurting.  Of course not.  I hate the feeling of feeling like I'm fat even though I'm not even one hundred pounds.  I'm not that smart, not that good looking.  I love writing but I know I can never get far.  I'm liked on my archery team, but I'm simply the smiling, happy go lucky kid.  I'm tired of being call a f\*ggot just because I'm trans.  I'm tired of being afraid to express myself.  I'm tired of being tired.  Sure, it's been almost a year since I last cut myself, but what the hell does that mean when everyday all you do is wish that you were dead.  But I can't f\*cking die, I've made too many promises.  I don't know what even waits for me on the other side.  Even then I don't want my parents to bury a stranger.  I don't want the final memory of me of the person I hated the most.  I'm so scared of the future.  I just want to cry in someone's arms and just let the waves of the sadness wash over me.  I hate my f\*cking body.  I hate the masculine features.  But I can never be a real woman.  I'm so stuck.  I just don't know what to do.  I just want to die but I just don't know if I really can even be free with death.  I just don't know.