I (24F) have Always had Notoriously bad birthdays.

My mother was diagnosed with BD, MPD, PTSD, etc. and she didn’t take a liking to me at all. 

On my birthdays in the past she would sabotage them quite crazily, she once threatened suicide and was sent to jail after she had bought tickets to my favorite singer so we never went, she punched me in my face in front of my friends one year…etc. 

I had a decent-ish high school sweet heart but he was really quite broke our entire relationship. It was adorable in high school but when I was the one paying for my birthday dinners every year it got old. 


Current boyfriend knows how awful my mother was and how birthdays just tend to be a bad day. 

For my 24 th he did this little surprise party ( during COVID so it was cute) and you would think I got it right finally. Like this is it. 

No. 

I obviously drank a lot and sometimes when I drink (plus being on birth control) I get very dry. So I told my boyfriend I was ready to just knock out. He flipped his shit. 

I was an ungrateful cunt who didn’t have the decency to suck his dick at the end of the night after pulling all these strings for me. I refused to give him any sexual favors. He then attempted to jerk off, then I had kicked him out and locked him out of my apartment. (We we’re splitting rent but it was in my name) and he kicked down the door, told me I was a whore and I wasn’t allowed to sleep on his bed so I had slept on the floor. He ended up burning all my gifts and ruining my art piece. 

I never got an apology for this. This actually would be one night of many and go ahead and throw in a few punches, slapping, choking etc. 

I learned a few months later he had been doing drugs behind my back. I found out because his drug dealer told me. Before him and I got into a relationship I made it clear I was not going to be with someone who did drugs and he agreed to not be this person. Well he would use as leverage in the relationship that he gave up drugs for me and I should be grateful for him. This went on for about a year behind my back. And after I had found out, it was worse. 

Fast forward: 

He is supposedly sober (7 months). I really don’t guarantee anything because I don’t want to look stupid. But for the most part he has turned his life around. Cut out all his old friends, got a new career path which is going really well for him, hasn’t laid a hand on me or talked to me disrespectfully. Etc. 

I have stopped drinking for the most part but I decided to drink at my friend house warming. We had been talking about his past issues with drug abuse and I pretty much just went off. Said some pretty mean things that I semi regret saying. 

Along the lines of.. “I hope you children die of coke overdoses” “I hope your kids are as shitty as you so you can see what you were like” and “I’ll never make an addict a father” etc. 

He has since stopped talking to me. 

So I canceled my 25th birthday celebration next week because I was crying for about 8 hours in fear that we are taking a million steps backwards and I really don’t want to relive that moment. 


My question is …
Is this a quality of life I want to have? 
My friend who do drugs (side note I don’t and never have done drugs) know that My bf isn’t allowed to do drugs so they have to hide it (but it’s still obvious) 
I am always in fear this will be my life again and I’ll allow it. 
Could this be my wake up call that I’ll never forgive him? 
I feel worthless. I feel used, stupid, paranoid, crazy. 

I would love to talk to him about how I feel but on many occasions my feelings do not matter. And he will blame everything on me.