Background story: I had major relapse more than a year ago. Due to miscommunication and misunderstanding, my husband told me things that triggerred feelings of low self worth and chronic shame, that made me punch my face just to ease the pain. The in-laws empathized with me, and told him to stop. But instead of empathizing and stopping, he never said sorry and continued his blaming, gaslighting. He even turned the tables because I was overly relapsing. I was the crazy one and he was the right person.

Because of this, I had suffered for several months. Anxiety and panic attacks whenever I am near him. We visited a family therapist specializing in Gottman, tried to work our marriage, but then he started again his severe verbal abuse and I relapsed again.

After a couple of sessions, I said I had enough of these attacks. And also my husband wants to hasten the therapy sessions because he is leaving the country to work. He wanted me to recover from that incident as fast so he can spend time with us. So I pretended to love him again and to be ok with him since he's going to be away from me anyway.

So I never had that relapse again. He is my number 1 trigger because he is a verbal abuser. I may be exaggerating it. I may be trying to justify he isnt because everyone loves him and sees him as a really good guy. But they never ever know how awful his words are. And his words have become a huge trigger to want to kill myself for years we've been together.

The problem is, even before we've been together, my own family believes I am crazy and wont ever be in a relationship. They know I have extreme feelings of anger and hate. And they dont bother with it. It's just the way I am, they would say. And I hated it that my mother leads that conversation about me. She justifies my extreme personality.

Lately I've been reading about BPD and I feel I check almost all symptoms: loose sense of self, no empathy, feelings of isolation, chronic shame, unstable relationships, changeable moods, the push and pull of feelings towards other people. All my life, that's me. So maybe there is something wrong with me.

I can't go to a therapist, because I am a fulltime mom. I dont have a family to take care my toddler, and all-day daycares so not exist in our country. So I am not diagnosed. But I dont care. I know my symptoms. I think I can work on a recovery plan for myself.

The reason for this is, I think my husband is also BPD. He honestly told me thar he is afraid of abadonement, which explains him cheating on me when I was choosing my career over him at one point in our relarionship. But the problem is, he is never the person who is honest about his mental and emotional issues.

I am more open and vulnerable to that, because I want to recover. Ever since I accepted that I am very different. Just that I had 2 therapists before who never ever told me about my symptoms and how to deal with it (just mindfulness meditation).

Anyway. My point is. I cant control him. But I can control myself. I can make myself not to be triggerred by him. And eventually have a higher self worth to not relapse and not be affected by his words, because truly it's a reflection of his fears of abandonement.

This said, I know any therapist wont be able to help me with this kind of recovery I want to do for myself. Mental health professional help is not really that advanced or helpful in our country.

Do you think it's possible that I can recover by myself? That I can finally escape the repeated flashbacks of trauma that he caused me? I love my husband, he is a good father and a good guy when he is not trigerred. His trigger is when I start being such a pain of pushing him away, then pulling him in again. Mostly thats his complaint about me. My being a crazy batshit. One day I love him next I am sarcastic.

I just really hope I can recover.  I want to learn to recover by my own. Even if I am not officially diagnosed.

Hope you understand this. Sorry for the grammar.