I have been scared to clean anything in my apartment for about three months. It all started when the dishwasher broke down. So that meant the sink was full. So that meant I was too scared to cook. So I ate out every day. So I slowly built up my unintentional collection of fast food compartments. So my trash cans were overflowing. All of it because I was too scared. I hated being in my apartment. So I worked overtime so I would stay away from it all.

However, my parents are coming into town tomorrow for the 4th of July. I told them I don't want them in my apartment, but I don't know. I live in a nice midrise, with views of downtown. It would be nice to have them over and show off the nice things I have been able to afford all by myself. I don't want to be scared anymore. 

So I went to the nearby Target and I asked an associate for help. The fear of my parents not being able to see my apartment during the one time they've been in my city for the past decade was so much worse than my fear of speaking up to the Target associate. Like, I don't even know this lady. She doesn't know me. What's she going to do? Tell the world that a random stranger bought a shit ton of cleaning supplies? Okay, that sounds like a pretty boring type of gossip. I literally said, "if you needed to clean a pigsty of an apartment, where would you start?" She was very kind and walked me through the aisles of stuff that I knew I needed but lacked confidence in buying. 

So I came home with bags and bags of cleaning supplies and I went to town this entire afternoon. I arrived home at \~5:30PM and it is now 10:21PM. I cleaned for five hours. For five hours, I didn't care about the anxiety. I didn't care that I was embarrassed. I just wanted to make my parents proud of their adult child. 

I gotta go get dinner and then shower before bed, but I just wanted to tell y'all about this win of mine. I was able to take back control after months of being overpowered. I'm so happy.