# Hi, 

Happy new year! I hope that everyone who comes across this and is part of these communities that you find joy, peace and happiness. Whatever those things may look like for you. I genuinely do hope that you have a good or at least better year. (Ew sounds corny..)  
Straight off the bat, I will not be one those writers that will write every day, or at least not yet. I do not want to force myself into something that actually feels good as I do not want to make this a chore. But.. when you're up and down you also need to try and get into routines as to not feel a failure (Can you fail at something like this - writing for release?). When I say routine, I do NOT mean the shit you see like; ''IF YOU'RE DEPRESSED INTEGRATE THESE 9 EASY STEPS INTO YOUR DAILY LIFE - IT WORKS!! '' Yeah, fuck off. I can make my bed and a latte and still want to kill myself. But thanks Cosmo. A routine doesn't need to be an ''easy everyday '' task, but could be something that you never imagined. Myself, I never thought I'd turn to writing, I'm not a great reader and I certainly cannot express myself very well while talking but jheeze writing - different ballgame. 

This year I have not set any goals or anything. Too risky, too much pressure, just too much. Going day by day is hard enough sometimes and trying top feel stable would be great but it's not a goal. I don't want to scare myself off.  
The start of the year has been kind to me so far. Went into the new year surrounded by people I appreciate, tipsy and high as a fucking kite. Last night I did hit a bit of a wall as I thought about women in today's society and trying to explain to my boyfriend the struggle it is nowadays just having an ass and tits. To be honest, that's a tale for another day and I don't want to feel shit again and that's quite triggering for me at the moment.

I did do some research on Bipolar last night. I went to bed at 9pm as I felt like shit very suddenly so I rolled myself and smoked 2 joints and jumped right into my research. BTW, before anyone shuts me down about the smoking - I will get into that in a different ''log'' but just so you know for now it totally is my release and I need it (unfortunately). So Bipolar huh? Nah, I don't think I am, when I read into it and reflect on what is said, sure I see similarities, but then you will find many mental illness wires cross paths on certain feelings. I looked it up in the first place as I found myself, after talking to my boyfriend about the whole having an ass and tits in today's society thing, get really sad, angry and then super happy (for some weird reason) within 0.2 seconds. I wasn't happy about the conversion or the way I was feeling it was literally a short burst of a few seconds and I looked around myself as if someone had shouted my name. Where the fuck did that come from? That was new.  There was a feeling of relief and concern when I came to my own conclusion of not being Bipolar. The relief being that I do not know how I nor others around me would cope with that and concern because I would like to get to the bottom of my feelings and what the fuck is going on. 

Still no further .. 

My therapist emailed me to wish a me a good and year to ask when I could start the treatment. The treatment is a light treatment that will cause an ''error'' in my brain when I think of a certain part of my life and it basically well numbs the hurt connected to that memory more and more. I haven't answered. 1st reason being - I don't know when and the second being it is fucking expensive and I cannot be going to therapy every week even though I may need it. I'm lucky enough to be seeing someone as it is (Well, only 2 times, but it's something after neglecting yourself for years right?). All in good time.. time I may not have if I'm not careful because that stranger, is still here, she's just giving me a moment of hope right now. This is why compared to my other 2 logs, this one seems more human and not so story like. I suppose, more like a diary. I am really curious to see how this ''blog'' goes. I don't know what to call it to be honest. Logins? Check ins? Ah, both work and you get it. 

I think I have said enough for this one so I will love and leave you all to it. 

Until maybe next time, please keep going, I don't want to lose you completely yet.  
From (what feels like) the real you 