
My emotions have been extremely inconsistent, but I never feel happy. When I’m very low, it makes me physically sick. I am struggling with a lot of self-loathing and insecurity. The inability to control my emotions makes me even more upset. I can rationalize my emotions, but they’re still there. It is like I have this insight on how I feel but can’t do anything about it. My emotional side is constantly fighting with my rational side, which then makes me feel irritated. I will not be doing anything, and then I get this wave of intense sadness. I see it, recognize it, but I can't do anything about it. I try to create art and music or keep my mind off of it, but it worsens because it's not helping, and then I'm combated with the insecurity and self-loathing again. Then the suicidal ideations come into play. They come and go but are always consistent. Some days they are worse than other days. I have dreams about killing myself often. I have been on oodles of medications and have been in therapy since I was a child.
I still see a therapist and a psychiatrist, but it's not helping. I just seriously think I will kill myself in a matter of time. I feel as if I feel disappointment and sorrow more intensely than others. I'm not just sad; the whole idea of existence burdens me. I go through phases of attachment and isolation. My relationships are unhealthy because of my inconsistent moods. I sometimes feel as if I’m watching me kill myself slowly from a third-person view. Two minds are always in conflict. I see it and can’t do anything about it. I'm tired. I genuinely do not want to be here anymore. I want my thoughts and feelings to stop pestering me. Help me, please