Home, supposed to be working my second job today. 

Been struggling. Really bad. A week ago I didn’t fill my Venlafaxine prescription in time, so I had to go three days without out. If anyone takes it, they know the withdrawals are fucking brutal. Thought about suicide almost all weekend and could barely function. And the brain zaps. Ugh. Back on it now, but I think it’s taking me time to adjust back?

Can’t get bad thoughts to go away, super emotional, irritable... splitting with my fiancé terribly, and I can’t stop thinking about leaving him... but we have a six month old daughter. 

For some background, he is jobless and has been most of our relationship. When we had our daughter, I agreed to get a second job, and he would stay home with our daughter and keep the house clean. The house is constantly messy as fuck, and disorganized as hell. He says we have a “different definition of clean”. There are times he does amazing and cleans everything at once, but it inevitably turns into a pigsty again. Additionally, he has major depressive disorder and just recently agreed to get help for it after I gave him an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums, but he went to far one night and destroyed our bathroom door and threw up from screaming too hard during a break down, with me hiding in our daughters bedroom with her.

Yesterday, recognizing I’ve been struggling and being crabby and crappy to him, I tried my hardest to be happy or at least pretend to for my one day off. We played games and had a good time... but I couldn’t shake my bad thoughts and feelings.

I guess I pretended too well or something, because before we went to bed, I told him I was sad when he asked what was wrong. Here’s how the conversation went:

Him: What’s wrong?

Me: I’m just sad right now.

Him: Are you serious? We just had a super fun time playing games, and now you’re going to be all suicidal?

Me: I am sorry, I know we ha a really good time and I had a lot of fun, I’ve just been sad, but thanks for (he cut me off before I could finish with “taking my mind off things”)

Him: You weren’t sad all day, I don’t know what I did to upset you all of the sudden.

At this time I stopped and just apologized and said it wasn’t anything he did, and tried to go to bed. I guess I seemed cold, because he asked why I was upset about going to bed.

I laid in bed and suddenly all my bad thoughts hit me at once, and the room started to close in, and I couldn’t breath—full panic attack mode.

I couldn’t get myself together enough to try to find my anxiety med, and couldn’t speak to ask for help. I was stuck lying in bed, unable to breath and hyperventilating.

It took me twenty minutes to gather myself enough to try to ask him for help. I came out of the room and called out to him (he was watching YouTube on the couch). I called out between sobs “Can you please help me?” He asked “why” and I couldn’t say anything else but “Can you please just help me please”. He just said “What? *Why?*”

Every time I tried to explain what was happening I felt like my throat was closing up. I couldn’t do it so I choked out “I don’t know” and crawled back into bed. Sobbed and choked for twenty more minutes before passing out. He never even checked on me. He never came to ask what I needed. He slept on the couch.

I am so upset... when I’ve been upset at him, the moment he is crying or panicking or anything, I drop everything and help him. He couldn’t even check on me?

This morning after I called out of work, he came into the room and asked me if he could lay with me and I said “I guess”. He went back to the couch and fell asleep again.

Everything adding up is making me second guess our whole relationship. I just can’t tell if it’s even justified or if I am just splitting. But I am so pissed. I don’t even want to look at him.

So now I am sitting on the couch playing with our daughter, while he sleeps all day in the bedroom (I asked him to move so our daughter and I could use the living room while he slept and he got furious and ranted and stormed to the bedroom haha) drinking wine and watching Parks and Rec.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.
