so i've been in and out of treatment for a really long time, but most recently (june of last year) a really traumatizing thing happened to me where my therapist (who i was really basically obsessive and codependent with but loved) suddenly broke and decided that she couldn't see me anymore. she said it was because she realized she wasn't good for me and that i was moving soon, but basically i couldn't find a different therapist and things started devolving and before i tried to kill myself, i tried to call her and express my suicidal thoughts and she just told me on the phone that she wasn't my therapist anymore and she couldn't help me. tl;dr i spent 6 weeks in the hospital, got out, moved across the state and started school 10 days after. fast forward to now, where things have stabilized, i have a psychiatrist, haven't done therapy, tried but was too triggered from my past experience, and things have devolved again where the depression and suicidal thoughts are really really bad, somewhat associated with current life, very associated with my still-very-alive fixation about how my ex-therapist abandoned me.
don't know what to do. in the past, have been told that it's really difficult for me to seek outpatient treatment because i'm generally not stable enough to get into deep issues and not totally decompensate, but residential facilities are very expensive and insurance had issues covering them. i had a few short res stays (&lt;2 weeks) and a few longer inpatient stays (4-6 weeks) but obviously inpatient isn't ideal for like, therapy, and again, residential is crazy expensive and also BPD specialized ones are often private pay.
my ex-therapist was like, a special case because we actually got through some of my issues, but it was at the level of her talking to me on the phone 3-4 times a week (almost every day), often taking emergency calls on weekends or in the middle of the night, plus seeing her in person weekly. she would let me leave her voicemails when i would be feeling bad, and it would be like several a day, every day (i know i am literally a terrible person). in the dark months i would try to OD on stuff like, weekly, usually ~24 hours after therapy, and i barely got through it with extensive help from her.
it was def not an ideal situation, and there's no way i could replicate that situation even if she still existed because i couldn't sustain that level of functioning at the new school i'm at. also, i don't have her anymore. also, i don't want to be so close to someone else ever again because that "breakup" ruined me in several ways that i don't ever care to experience again.
but ... i probably need therapy. am traumatized, having PTSD signs, BARELY controlled by a ton of medication. my psychiatrist agrees that we can hold off on thinking about therapy until i'm more stabilized on meds currently cuz this right now is a more recent dip. but i don't know what kind of therapy treatment i need?

on one hand, not delving into the issues grants me a sufficient level of functioning to be in school, albeit i have many horrible days like this where i cry in bed and think about suicide.
on the other hand, theoretically fixing my issues would give me a better life.
on the other other hand, outpatient treatment didn't seem to work and probably would do more harm than good (methinks) if it wasn't, like, super intensive (but also... that's unrealistic).
on the other other other hand, i suck at groups (ex: IOP, PHP) and they always kick me out bc i'm SUPER borderline and somehow manipulate the group dynamic in a bad way (i know i do this, but honestly never realize til it's too late, i'm just a really bad person guys) so that's why we went with individual therapy previously.
also, i have already taken a medical leave previously and it didn't help, i ended up in PHP/res/IOP for a lot of it and it wasn't super helpful because it was too much me getting involved with other people instead of working on myself. i also kind of devolved with all the extra time i had on my hands for not being in school. so i don't think taking another leave would be helpful in the least.
residential i honestly think could be helpful, but i never got an honest shot at it and also, crazy expensive.

*tl;dr it seems that not doing therapy and numbing myself with (prescribed) benzos is the path of least harm right now, but has no long term improvement, but the options of trying to do therapy and get better seems kind of a toss up in terms of effectiveness and would also probably make me deteriorate even more. if i got better in the long run, theoretically it's worth it, but i've tried a lot of stuff before and it didn't help so i don't want to take the risk. also, i'm poor, and a really bad person, and maybe unfixable (or unwilling, idk)*