
I’m 19 years old [m] I’m 20 in two months exactly. I really hoped i wouldn’t live this long tbh. 

I think from 12 is the time I started hating myself and slowly becoming more and more depressed. I didn’t have many friends growing up. I was a friend to everyone and no one. I usually just walked around the halls by myself. I have always had a lot of academic pressure on me. I never liked school or was interested in it. I hated going home as well for other reasons. It wasn’t constantly abusive so I shouldn’t complain too much . People do the best they can at their level of understanding.


I do really wanna be in love. I’ve felt like I’ve spent three years just dreaming up relationships. I do hate my body tbh. I feel undesirable. I’ve been  told that I’m not bad looking but it’s hard for me to believe that. I’ve been balding since 15 due to genetics and stress. I’ve got cut marks on both of my arms. I’ve attempted to kill myself numerous times. I tried to overdose on just random drugs at 16 but to no success. I tried to kill myself by OD a few times. I’ve tried just tying belts and ropes around my neck but it never worked. I’ve also been in a mental hospital for a month . That fucked me up a bit more. Seeing 13 year olds with cut marks.  


I’m very alone. I don’t attempt anymore. I cut myself the other weeek when angry but I don’t plan on doing it again . I do fantasise about dying. I do fantasise that I’ll find love one day.
I do fantasise that illl be a some great  music artist that helps people emotionally and motivates them. I try to make steps in that direction. I guess it just feels easier sometimes  to kill myself and leave this hateful, greedy, selfish, fearful  and doubtful hell alone.


Anyways I know all/ most of  u deep down just want love. I hope you get it . I hope u can love yourself as well. Idk. I hope one day I can look back and think I’m glad I went through hell because I helped people. I don’t wanna live too long tbh. Maybe a few years more . Give myself a chance to accomplish or fail. Hopefully, u still have a part of that kid in you as well.