A little over a year ago, I was in a really low place and felt so misunderstood and lonely that I joined a local BPD support group. One of my main goals was to make some friends who related to me through the BPD lense, would not judge me as much, and ultimately just have more in common emotionally. 

Fat forward to a little over a year being in the support group and a I’ve made a lot of friends. In fact, I was able to form a friend group of all people with BPD and we would frequently hang out together in groups. I would also hang out with my BPD friends alone so that the connection was more intimate emotionally, which is something I really need and crave in friendships. 

In theory me befriending fellow BPDers seemed like a really good idea but practically speaking it’s been a nightmare. As of today I can officially state my opinion that it has been my experience that most of the people with BPD I have gotten to known are extremely toxic, abusive, and volatile. 

I just ended one of my closest BPD friendships last night with someone I loved to the ends of the earth (platonically). I’ve never felt so low and broken in my entire ever since I got involved with all these BPD people and the drama with my friend from last night has officially been the last straw. 

Essentially the night ended in violence with me having to go the emergency room and now my parents want me to file a restraining order against this friend. But even worse than the physical abuse was the emotional abuse, which has destroyed any ounce of self esteem I ever had. I may go into details later but there was essentially a lot of manipulation, gaslighting, mindgames, them using self harm as a way to control me, constant insults and name calling when would split, lying and badmouthing me behind the scenes… this list goes on. 

I seriously don’t know if I can keep on living from the after effects of what my friend did to me due to PTSD I believe i have now as a result. That, combined with my BPD is no way to exist and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. .

I’m terrified to ever speak to a single person IRL with BPD ever again…. Every single person I’ve made friends with in that BPD friend circle abuses one another in one way or another and I’ve been abused by a lot of them or witnessed them abusing others frequently. 

I officially hate this terrible mental illness and I will never again claim that BPD is stigmatized or whatever. Trust me, I used to be so defensive about that and now that I have lived through the BPD abuse myself, I now understand that our behavior is not a stigma and that people have good reason to be nervous about us. Hell, I’m terrified of us!!! I understand that I am toxic as well in general I just hate this stupid illness.