I had a difficult childhood in a toxic family environment and a lonely self.

I have been suffering from various mental, psychosomatic disorders for 7 years that make it impossible for me not to suffer or to be able to feel anything good.

Mostly obsessive OCD, chronic exhaustion and/or fatigue, sleeping disorders, major depression, social anxiety, derealization disorder, C-PTSD, all of them being completely debilating, dreadful and all-consuming, and a couple of panic attacks that come with phobias.
All of the above without breaks.
I've been having psychotherapy for many years also.
The problem, though, is that I am a highly logical person and I'm quite indecisive about having faith, believing that my symptoms will someday go away, that I might be happy again.
I can't bring myself to believe it.
I feel like I'm fooling myself.
Everything feels like a cruel joke. I'm only full of rage and hopelessness.

I don't want to die and I don't want to live a life like this.
I want to heal, but I don't even know if it's possible. My therapist says it is, he says it's my choice, but to me it feels like my body and brain are damaged beyond repair, like I can't be healed, ever.
My illnesses, along with losing contact with almost all my friends, a big house move, being deprived from doing the things I loved before I got mentally ill because of my symptoms and studying all the time, and being deprived from anything romantic and sexual because of my selectiveness, made my life unbearable.

I want to have health, all the shades of  happiness I used to feel (they used to be a lot for some years) before I got mentally ill like this, to be healed from my psychosomatic illnesses, to get my friends back and make new ones as well, the world around me to feel familiar to me again and to have a nice home, to love the things I used to and do them again, and do romantic and sexual things with the people I'm crushing on.

The problem is that I am chronically ill and in a very bad state, I am in constant doubt, feeling like all my CONSTANT intrusive thoughts and OCD obsessions are true, and also feeling like I'll never stop being in pain and anguish or heal, I don't remember anything about happiness or any good feeling, I feel dead inside, most of my friends didn't care to continue our friendships, I'm a controversial and unconventional  person and I don't think people will ever want me near them, the world around me and inside me feels as unfamiliar and terrifying as my worst nightmares, I'm very selective in love and always fall for people who are seemingly unattainable for me even if I am attractive and have a hundred suitors, and I'm currently in love with a popular actor who's 20 years older than me, married, has children, and lives in another continent, yet he's the light in my darkness.
I literally can't cope with any of my symptoms but I try to rise above my situation. It doesn't end well but the best thing that happens to me is a day that's  emptier with less pain. I want to believe, but it's so hard for me to believe with a mind full of intrusive thoughts and a heart full of doubt, depression and dread, without any joy at all. I try to be functioning or act like things will get better, but all those actions are interrupted by my troubles and agonizing suffering.
I used to be a passionate artist, and now I'm a total wreck.

I mean, I can't remember what it is like to feel positive feelings or feel happy, fully loved, healed or normal again, I just suffer greatly, so how could I ever have all those things...? I can barely function physically.

I suffer from chronic mental and physical pain and dissociation, I'm so lonely, far from the things and the home I loved, with barely any friends, and I have a big longing for that actor that either a) makes me fantasize about him a lot because of the huge passion I have for him and my high hopes, or b) makes me think about real life and that he loves his wife and that's it and that he's a popular actor in another continent and that I'll never be with him (I can't even look at videos of him or his social media because I can't stand being ignored by him or other women liking him, I can't even cope with him living his life and me being out of it) and that thing is so deeply rooted inside me and hurts me so much that I don't know what to do with it. All these things, actually.

I'd rather stay hopeless than get my hopes up just to keep suffering in the future and not heal or get better... It's a VERY serious matter for me.
I wish none of the content of my OCD obsessions and intrusive thoughts is true.
I wish I could be the happy person I want to be.
I wish reality could feel like reality again, and not an otherwordly fever nightmare.
And I just wish someone would truly love me for who I am.
I can only hope for a better future, but I only see suffering. Total and complete suffering.