I f30 have struggled all my life. I thought this diagnosis would make me feel relieved - and i do to a certain extent, but i mainly just feel *overwhelmed*. I've floated between crying and laughing, so aggressively over the past few weeks. I don't know if i'm coming or going. Part of me is glad i have this diagnosis so that i can start working on building skills so i can have a better quality of life. The other part of me feels like i've just been given a death sentence. I feel like i've been fighting so hard for so long to just get by at a normal standard, and now i've been told that i need to fight even harder and even more aggressively, and i don't know that i can.

I started Sertraline a couple of months ago but i keep forgetting to take it. Now i know i should be more forgiving - before i would beat myself up over it. Like "How can you forget? It doesn't make sense. YOU don't make sense!" and now i'm just like "Ok, so this is a thing, now you have to try and work with your brain" but i can't keep that motivation up. I really struggle with the initial getting going - but once i get going (so rare that David Attenborough might show up to narrate) i really give it my all!

I feel a bit lost. My life admin is a royal mess. My room looks like a bomb went off, i hoard like a motherfucker, i struggle with communicating - which is really affecting my career (marketing manager), my friendships and relationships. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE OBSESSIONS. Omg it's so embarrassing. I hate it. It's borderline stalking. And the physical pain/feelings? Don't even get me started. I haven't seen much mention of the physical symptoms of BPD on this sub. But i'm going to keep looking.

I'm not interested in ANYTHING or anyone. My life is being a mum, work, music, trying to sort out my head, and occasionally going out with 'friends' and getting black out drunk to deal with the void. Life doesn't seem manageable in general, and in all of my forget-fullness, i just wish i could forget the bits that hurt.