I (33m) had a stupid dream about my wife last night (28f). She left about a year ago and abandoned me and fucking killed me mentally. I’ve been struggling all year to trust people and get back out there I guess. But I just can’t trust anyone anymore. I hate my life and myself. I can’t believe one person can have so much power over your mental state. Yeah I just bought a new car that I’m getting this coming Friday (dec 24th) but that’s like a bandaid. It’s the car she wanted but wouldn’t let me get because of the loan. I’m still technically married and I refuse to file for a divorce. 
I wish I could end it all like maybe auto pilot the car off of a cliff or something. I don’t know. I want to be a better person but I’m tired of the mental pain all the time. 
I lost my medical insurance because I didn’t work enough hours to keep it but I gave up thousands of hours of work over 3 years to spend time with my wife because I actually loved her and wanted to be around her. 
Now that I don’t have insurance I can’t see my therapist that I need because of her. 
Work buddies help sometimes but they also suck because it’s construction work so they basically say suck it up buttercup we’re boilermakers women leave us. 
Sorry for the rant. Time to go take another depression nap