Diagnosed MDD and BPD since Aug 2016, been this way a lot longer. I'm having a hard time... Well, everything. I go to reach out to friends, but retract before I can, afraid they'll invalidate me or lash out at me. Couple of times, I've been right, which doesn't help.

Last night, I pressed my hand into the element on the coffee pot. It's little things like that, closing a hand in a door, or headbutting the walls, or smashing fingers inside drawers, that I've started doing again. Things I can hide.

To make matters worse, there's a person who I've fixated on, come to love romantically. They're part of my close friend group, and they want my best friend, and it's mutual. I gave them my blessing to pursue things because I love them both, and want them happy. But whenever they're alone together, even though logically I know nothing is probably happening(One of them's the wait until marriage type), I can't get the painful thoughts of them having intimate moments to stop.

I know I'm backsliding, but... It feels like this time, it's too much. I'm so tired, no matter how much I sleep. My kids need me, even though I can only see them on weekends, so I'm sticking around, but I'm so damn tired. Just want this all to stop.