It's been a rough few weeks. Full disclaimer, using a throwaway in case someone I know sees this, and I have comorbid NPD and BPD.

I've been splitting hard these past few days. I learned a friend I had for years had been saying cruel and untrue things about me to my friends, learned a lot of shitty stuff about my family (apparently being fucked up is pretty damn genetic for me lol) which kinda made me realize I'll never be able to have a family of my own without giving them some cluster b bullshit. The major people in support system haven't been available. Which Isn't on them but it just sucks. And I ended up dissociating then blowing up on all my friends cause of all the stress and shit. And it seems nobody gets it. I feel so alone. They wanna blame it on anything they can, they don't want to accept I have issues. Ironically outside my interpersonal life everything is going great. I have an interview at a job I'm really excited for soon, I'm caught up on all my bills, all my investments have been great, and a few days ago I had a really great conversation with my dad about the past and it's the closest I've ever felt with him and established some comforting boundaries. But everyone wants to say I have problems cause I don't have hobbies or some shit. (spoiler, I've had many hobbies during my life, but after the initial excitement I get bored. How can anyone not always get bored?) 

I'm angry at my therapist and to some degree I know it's irrational, But she told me people would stick around even if they knew the real me. I was trying so hard to be vulnerable with people. I told my friend that I don't really feel empathy and how I can unconscionably lie and manipulate but was working on it and she was accepting of it! But one meltdown and I feels like everyone hates me and just was just looking for a reason to drop me. They won't say it to my face but I can tell that they're all trying to get rid of me now. Ugh it's probably not rational but I feel it so intensely? And it just keeps getting worse cause I'm cycling through anger and self hatred every two damn seconds. And all the emotions are so confusing and don't make any sense. I've been trying so damn hard. Can nobody not even see that?

I don't want to pretend to be someone else anymore, I know I'm needy and a lot but that's part of who I am? I had to learn how they experience the world although it's strange and confusing and if they really cared wouldn't they do the same? I just keep thinking of ways to hurt them for betraying me and I don't want to feel like that! I hate anger it's always there and so overwhelming. 

Then last night I went out to a bar with another friend and I made 3 new friends that night. And when I got back I was particularly grandiose and bragged about it to my roommate that if people wanted to leave me that they're welcome to it and that the whole lot of them are rotten and don't appreciate me. I know it was a lot but idk. Now I'm pretty sure he's avoiding me but I don't know if that's in my head or not. 

This morning I was feeling bored and mad and I just wanted to prove to myself that I was in control, if I wanted to self destruct I would. If anyone were to hurt me it would be me. And I carved "DEFECTIVE" into my leg. I thought "well, if this is how they see me then so be it. If they can't accept me for who I am then I'll be myself unapologeticly." luckily it's not too bad and I'm hoping if I take care of it that it won't scar. And I think I did a good job at hiding it. I know they'll all just judge and shame me if they knew.

This is all so unhealthy, I feel like I just threw away 6 years of recovery with all these unhealthy behaviors. I'll go months acting like a normal human being then one thing happens and I fucking spiral. And I know that I hurt them and they have a right to be mad but fucking hell why can't they just fucking listen to me? None of this is a choice! It feels like I'm seeing ghosts everywhere cause It feels like everyone wants to hurt me but nobody else can see it. I know I've done shitty things in my life and hell still do but I've made so much progress. How am I the cruel one when I'm the one growing? I tried to change so I wouldn't hurt people anymore. I don't want to hurt people, or I don't think I do. But it feels like nothing is good enough! It feels like I'm held to standards that nobody else is!

I'm so fucking alone. I hate this so much. All my life I've craved close relationships but it NEVER WORKS. It's so hard for me to be vulnerable and it feels like everyone else just throws it away. The minuscule amount of love I have to give is thrown back in my face. Everyone is mental health awareness until it comes to cluster B eh?

God I just want to be fixed. 

I'm so defective.

I'm sorry for this obnoxiously long ramble. Thanks for listening though