
I live in a kind of dangerous, developing country and so on.  there are many gangs and loan sharks because of drugs.  I don't want to describe the scene too much, but I saw an execution and heard the woman speaking my language and her begging me not to kill her because she had family and she apologized for what she did.  the guy just shot her out of nowhere and another guy who was following him yelled and something like "why did you do that?".  The body of the woman who had all the muscles in her face contracted because she was crying and was making a terrible crying face, she was all rigid, bent over before the shot and out of nowhere she just relaxes her body.  The face is relaxed and falls to the floor and becomes serious she changed her expression out of nowhere.  i found it so scary
and it makes me so anxious because I believe that there is nothing after death and when I think I want to kill myself because I can't stand being so mediocre anymore I remember this video and I feel that I don't want to kill myself, I don't want my emotions go as quickly as the woman in the video, I don't want to stop thinking, but at the same time I want to stop feeling this emptiness and sadness, this pain that I don't know where it comes from.
I know that life is not just happiness or sadness, life is a balance and you can't be happy all the time.  But when I'm in these depressive phases I just want to end it all and stop feeling it or when I'm happy I want to prolong as much as I can, drinking more, taking drugs more and more and more.  I'm just tired of thinking about it so much.  why can't I live in balance.