I hung out with a group of friends yesterday and I could not hold my shit together. I felt like bursting out crying, I was angry at them for small things that were totally not justified, all while they were trying to just have a good time and hang out. I felt like crawling into a hole, going home, but it just wasn't an option because I was the ride. 

I know they can tell but they aren't the type of friends to talk about that stuff with, especially not on a night out. They are confident, funny and comfortable around each other. I'm insecure, anxious, uncomfortable in my own skin with them. It's weird because we've been friends since high school. There's some other things going on in my life that is stressful, they know about these things and ask about them, offer support. But there's another layer, the BPD, the depression ,the anxiety. I'm embarrassed. I don't want to taint the mood, I also feel some annoyance on their end, like they don't want to be around me which is understandable considering what's going on inside me. 

Should I just cut off ties and try to work on myself or continue to hang out (we do a monthly get together)? Some meet ups are better than others depending on where I'm at emotionally. I'm tired of being asked "are you okay?" I feel so incredibly awful when I'm asked this because that's how I know people can tell I'm showing how I feel, despite how hard I'm trying to not. 

I was seeing a therapist (and have through out my life, different ones) but I lost my job a few months ago and the insurance stopped. Now I'm going to have insurance again and will definitely see somebody. 