I’ve had low-grade depression for many years, mainly due to being lonely/ quite sensitive and having a tendency to drift into my own worlds. It was just as if life was pretty ‘meh’, with occasional breakdowns. But nothing as bad as what I’ve been feeling recently.

I can’t quite describe it, or explain why it happened, but recently I’ve been experiencing what I would consider severe depression. I cry all the time, or I’m constantly on the verge of tears, and I don’t know why. I just feel so tired and in a daze; everything is foggy and distorted. I’ve lost touch with myself and those around me. I’m irritable. Everything just looks so grey. I used to use food to self medicate but now I have zero appetite. I actually wish I had my appetite back because binging brought me pleasure. I thought about suicide last night and for the first time it wasn’t just to ‘see who cared’, or to make myself feel better about failing at life because ‘at least I haven’t killed myself, eyyy’. I genuinely thought it sounded like the only answer. If I get to move past this overwhelming grey fog around me in death, then heck, it sounds fantastic.
I can’t go of course because my little brother depends on me. So that’s that. But man is this painful! Just maddening! The persistence of it is enough to drive anyone crazy! You can’t describe this to people if they paid you. It’s just not possible to communicate it unless someone has experienced it themselves. And not that fake-depression I was describing before. I’m inclined to think that was just normal frustration with life and nothing more.
Perhaps I’m just sleep-deprived? I haven’t been sleeping well. This is literally hell, and I can’t even tell anyone about it because nobody can help me. How do you guys do it?
This is a ramble but I want to finish off by asking if anyone knows if there is a name for this specific feeling - like is this a sub category of depression? I don’t feel numb, that’s the thing - I genuinely feel very unhappy and I cry all the time. Is this manic depression perhaps?
To people who do understand this: will it go away? Is this just a shift in my personality that will stay forever? If so I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it.

Thanks all my depressed folks and sorry for the inconsistency of this piece.