An old argument with my FP keep going through my head, but neither of us are in a place where we can talk it out, but we've planned to eventually go to therapy one day. We both have CPTSD, but I have BPD and they don't. My FP tries to be patient and understanding, but sometimes they can't be, and those are the times it hurts the most.

The majority of the time my FP is understanding and reassuring about my fear of abandonment, especially when it comes to me fearing they'll abandon me. I have a narcissistic, abusive mother who, after I started to realize she was abusive, began to cut off the people I was confiding the abuse to, and lying to therapists she used as flying monkeys that I was delusional and she was cutting out those people for good reason, and because of my unstable emotions and my mother's ability of lie and manipulate, the therapists bought her gaslighting.

Anyway, so my FP and I were cut off for years, and they cut me off with no explanation. I didn't realize at the time that my mom threatened my FP, and thought my FP just went no-contact with me of their own free will. My mom told me it was my fault, they couldn't handle me. For years, I believed this.

Even though I've re-connected with my FP, sometimes I fear they'll abandon me again. Cognitively I get why they originally went no contact with me, but it still feels like abandonment emotionally. During those years of no-contact, the emotional abuse got worse at home, and I only had the flying monkeys to turn to, who gaslit me every time I told them about the emotional abuse. 

Anyway, my splitting and fear of abandonment got really bad a year or so ago, and I had many toxic people in my life, and I was on the verge of autistic regression. Unfortunately, my FP would constantly start out defending the people who weren't treating me well, since they assumed since I split on them when I misunderstood them, that everyone I split on must be innocent. Eventually, they realized as the months went on that splitting or not, these people truly were legitimately treating me badly, and apologized that starting off giving them the benefit of the doubt hurt me.

But anyway, between the fact that I'd split on them a lot and my FP had their own stuff to deal with, there was a time they didn't respond well at all to my fear of abandonment. One night, I said I feared my FP would abandon me. They said they wouldn't, but I was still insecure. I asked again if they'd abandon me, in a voice I think was timid or fearful, maybe even a little child-like. I understood me asking again may annoy them, and while I was scared to ask again because of it, I truly needed extra reassurance. Maybe if I used a timid/non-threatening tone of voice, they wouldn't get upset at me asking them to repeat themselves? 

What I didn't expect was for them to say in a really cold tone of voice, "How many times do I have to repeat myself?! I thought my explanation was good enough the first time," and with their last words, it sounded like they were snarling a little, or at least snapping pretty harshly. 

I had a flashback to a time my mother sneered at me, "how many times do I have to repeat myself?" and an emotional flashback to a time I used the same timid, child-like voice and asked my ex a question about if they'd cleaned something since I had a fear of germs, and they said coldly, "I'm not a child," and went on really cold, angry rant, using the same extremely cold tone of voice my FP used. I don't even remember my ex's words fully, but their tone sticks in my mind, especially since I went into the other room and burst into tears because of their tone of voice.

Because of the flashbacks due to my FP's tone of voice, I wound up freezing and using grounding techniques since I felt kind of float-y and out of it, before having a severe panic attack. My FP was up with me until around late in the morning, I was so scared if I'd sleep, I'd lose them. But they stayed up with me until I finally went to sleep.

Has anyone else experienced this with a FP? That if you split incorrectly on them, they assumed the other people you split on must be innocent? Or your FP talking to you coldly and triggering you? I know my FP was probably dealing with stuff of their own, but it still hurts badly that they used that tone with me. It's hard to describe, but it was so cold it was scary. Like, almost that they had a distain or disregard for me, they were so angry. At least, that's what it felt like. And that child-like, timid tone of voice isn't something I use to annoy people, it's used when I'm afraid of people lashing out badly at me.

I also feel really guilty I split on them so much during those times, and have apologized, but I don't think they understand the reason I split on them was because it really did seem like they were giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt but me, which is a huge trigger for me. 

Sorry if this is worded confusingly. I might delete this later. I just needed to vent, especially since I don't think I can talk to my FP about this now. We've moved on and have a more stable relationship now, but sometimes I think of this argument and feel hurt all over again. Although I sometimes wonder if I deserved for them to snap so badly, since I wasn't exactly a basket of roses when I split on them. But maybe me raging at them while splitting was a wrong way to express my anger, and maybe them using that cold tone of voice on me was also a wrong way for them to have expressed what they were feeling, especially since they knew about how my mom and ex used the same cold tones with me. Maybe it's that sometimes, humans can hurt each other like this,and say and do regretful things, but because I have BPD and CPTSD it just effects me more than the average person?