Hi. I'm a married lesbian. My wife has multiple mental health issues including some borderline symptoms and Complex PTSD. Her therapist has not diagnosed her with BPD but I feel that she has it. I know I'm not an expert, but she has all the symptoms and the way she reacts to things seems to suggest it.

Trying to make this not so long....in the beginning of our relationship, I was always super supportive of her, basically putting ALL of my needs aside to take care of her. She is not working. She is in therapy, doing a lot of work on herself.

For the past month or so, we've been having problems. By "we", I mean she has basically told me that sometimes I say hurtful things to her and if it keeps going, she won't feel "safe" around me. 

She also is very adamant that she does not want any of her symptoms, her sensitivity, any of her behaviors to be "medicalized" or "pathologized". She says her therapist agrees with this theory.

The problem is, I feel that a LOT of her behavior IS maladaptive and dysfunctional and I'm SO frustrated that she not only refuses to believe or admit that, but she says it "triggers" her when people do it.

I'm sorry, there's a big difference between being triggered and someone just saying something that upsets you. We go through this all the time and it always ends up with her upset with me or, "triggered", and needing space till she feels safe around me again.

We had a big discussion and came up with some "rules" we can try to follow to try and stop discussions before they potentially get hurtful. I said something to her this morning in what I thought was a normal conversation and she said she felt hurt. If I hadn't been going to work anyway, she said she'd need space. 

What?

I really love her and the good things are awesome, but dammit, I'm so frustrated because it seems like the other things are beginning to overshadow everything else. I feel like it's getting to where I can't live with someone who comes with such an instruction manual! I don't want every word out of my mouth scrutinized! I need to be who I am!

She has said why is "being who I am" saying hurtful things to her? I feel like EVERYTHING is potentially hurtful to her and I'm being made responsible for how SHE reacts to things AND I can't even suggest that it's HER not me!

I'm so frustrated. I really don't want to end my marriage with her over this stuff, but I don't know at what point do we just admit that each of our issues don't mesh? I have anxiety, she has all that other stuff. I like going out and living life, she stays home and says she's not working to "fix" it so that she can go out with mainstream people.

I thrive on feeling like I belong. She thrives on feeling like she doesn't.

How can this work?

