I  (30F) and my husband (34M) and I had such a crazy relationship.  At  first it was hard for me to believe it and see it but I think that my  love wasn't as strong as I thought to overcome this abuse with him.  We  started off intense and fast and we are definitely passionate about each  other.

The  first day I met him, he told me about his sexual molestation  as a  child, his depression and his attempted suicide.  I empathized deeply  and we bounded over trauma because my ex killed himself when I was in  high school.  I gave him a hug and we fell asleep in each other's arms.   He then came back everyday and never left.  He started to claim drawer  space and bathrooms and started to tell me how to cook, criticized  almost everything I did and started to impose on me.

I  voiced out that I wasn't comfortable and it felt uncomfortable he was  telling me how to do simple things in my own house like put away  dishes... etc.  I am open to feedback but the way he gave me feedback  was hurtful.  Like when I did laundry his remark is "you don't know how  to do laundry do you?"  I've been doing laundry for most of my adult  life... But he was particular about his laundry so I just let him do it.  Or when I cooked he wanted to make sure i knew he worked in a kitchen  before so he knew more than I.  It made me shut down pretty quickly.

I  didn't think he was controlling at first but within 2 weeks he wanted  me to meet his family.  I told him it was too fast.  I needed time to  get to know him because there were some flags already.  I was timid but i  guess everything happened so fast I didn't really get a chance to  reflect because when I tried to he was there or texting me.  I am kind  of a timid person and need time to analyze a situation but this  whirlwind knocked me for a loop.  I didn't want to go and set my  boundaries down but the pushing really got me to give in eventually  because I think I just was so exhausted and wasn't sure what to make the  situation.  He told me he loved me quickly.  Those words meant a lot to  me yet I was confused why his actions didn't align.  I know everyone  has a different definition of love but when I tried to tell him how I  felt, I often times felt like I was being berated by what I have done or  the tone I used.

Many people  asked why I didn't leave sooner and it's really complicated.  First we  were together during covid for the first year of our marriage.  He would  tell me I was the love of his life and then he would later criticize  things about me like how talkative with his friends or how I come off to  others.  I again, am open to feedback but never had anyone say that to  me before.  My resentment started to kick in when I realized he lied to  me about a lot of items in his past because he would trip up on stories.

For  example, whenever something happened, I felt like he would mince words  or reality and convince me it never happened.  I had to start saving  texts and things he would say.  It was as stupid as his wording at first  but then quickly turned into bigger things.

The way he worded things were always so extreme.

"I NEVER would cheat."

"I NEVER randomly hook up "

"You're the FIRST person I met from a dating app"

"I NEVER would sleep with my friends"

All those are lies.

But  he did those things and I later found out through conversation.  I  wouldn't say that my husband is the brightest person but he also isn't  stupid.  There were plenty of intentions to lie and I just begged for  the truth.  He always promised that was the last lie he told.  But I had  to constantly uncover more.  He also would lie about things that didn't  seem relevant at all.  Little lies.  It never made sense and during the  middle of the pandemic our fighting intensified.  I felt like I had to  be careful what I said.  He had a spending issue and he would buy  himself things online he didn't need because he said that it made him  happier during his depressed stages.  They were like little gifts he  explained.  His card got declined when we went out to dinner and I said  it was fine and paid.  Later I asked about his finances and what  happened and he went off on me and being judgemental.  Started to tell  me I was pretentious and I felt immediately backed in a corner to  apologize.  I also asked about his photography earlier on and he went  off about how it's a real career and how no one believed in him and I  was judgemental.  I felt taken back because I was asking to get to know  him and was genuinely interested.

He  comes from a pretty abusive background with his father and his father  passed away.  There was a significant age different and his mother also  displays signs of borderline and high anxiety.  I went over there and  she was talking about how she was so poor she couldn't afford juice.   Yet she lived in a house twice the size of mine and had things  everywhere.  I thought it was an over exaggeration at first but she  continued to talk about her struggles with money.

My  husband was sexually molested by his sister for a few years until his  early teens .  His sister suffers from bipolar and is in and out of  mental institutions, on top of unhealthy relationship and meth  addiction.

His brother is a heroin  addict who left two kids behind for his mom to take care of .  She  constantly tries to get a hold of him and the news always broke my  husband's heart because it just seemed like his brother wasn't doing  well.  My heart went out to him and I noticed I lost my temper with him  one day.  In the midst of covid and the drama I lost my temper over the  fact that he committed he was going to let me use the office at certain  hours for my meetings and he seemed to not follow through.  I lost my  temper because I felt so hurt he constantly said things he did not mean  and made promises to me that had little to no follow through.

He  was taken back when I got upset.  We started telehealth couples therapy  and I told the therapist I felt done.  We talked about the drama and  choas in his family and the lies he has told me.  the therapist  suggested that we cut off friends and family and work on trust and  understanding.  She mentioned it could be a month or two.  My husband  begged for it to work and the therapist suggested that she work with him  individually.   I said that we would have to follow the treatment and  take it seriously.  we laid out boundaries for our friends and family.   His friends and family did not take well to that.  Thought it was coming  from me.  But it was coming from a therapist.

One  day my husband told me he was broke so I covered expenses for a dinner  and later he admitted he lied and just put money in his savings.  I  never asked to see his account this whole time we've been married so I  asked to see it.  He said he was ashamed and that is why he lies.  I  told him I felt like I couldnt trust him because of all these lies and I  was leaning on a divorce.  Our marriage was fresh and we could get out  of it.  The next morning he asked how I was doing and I said I needed  space.  I asked him to go to the store and grab some groceries then we  can talk.

Within 30 minutes he  texts me and tells me he took a whole bottle of sleeping medication and  wants to die.  I go outside and find him in his car.  I hold him crying  and call 911.  It was during covid and it was such a blur.  My distress  and trauma from my past came haunting back.  I went to the hospital and I  talked to the social workers.  I explained what happened.  The social  worker looked at me sadly and said that it sounded like an abusive  situation.  She wanted me to get resources to leave.  I said I just  wanted to see my husband.  When I got there, he was out of it and he saw  me and reached out for my hand.  I reached out for his and held it.   There was a curfew and I curled up next to him.  Holding him. It scared  me that I could have lost him .  It scared me that if i didn't call 911  he wouldnt have made it.

He got  there just in time for them to use activated charcoal to absorb. I took  care of the house and dogs and work and then visited him.  I called him  to check up.  At that point I felt so much compassion and wanted to make  sure he was ok.  I did not want to abandon him.  He seemed like he was  back in love again and ok.  He was smiling and he was in good spirits.     The social workers put him in involuntary psych ward.  I called and he  seemed distant in there.  blaming me for making him feel bad and that  was why he was where he was at.  I felt terrible.

He  says I have said horrible things but looking back at it, it just seemed  like I would  and I would get upset and there was such a lack of  empathy for me and compassion that it got volatile.  I never felt  understood.   He never asked me how I felt about something, he seemed to  always just criticize and beat me down. For example when he argued or  was upset he said some things that cut deep and then it became and  argument and we would both say things we don't mean.

He  told me to sleep with others and date around and said he was sure.  I  was confused and although I didn't he still says that he never meant it  and I should have read his body language.  Everything always seemed  foggy to me and it always ended up being my fault for not understanding  so I gave and gave and went without being understood.

I  felt trapped.  I felt confused.  The last couple's therapist said she  would quit working with him.  She said she thought he was making great  progress and that she felt he wasn't entirely honest.  She couldn't help  him because one second she thought everything was good and then the  suicide attempt.  And I couldn't make out the intense anger and love he  had for me.  It was a rollercoaster that I just wanted to get off of  sometimes.  But it was so hard to.  I did love him.  We got another  couple's therapist and she asked for commitment from the both of us for  treatment.  There are times he forgets and he became inconsistent.  The  couple's therapist ended up becoming my therapist and she suspected he  had borderline and was abusive.  We ended up getting another couple's  therapist and the therapist would ask me questions.  I would answer and  then later on my husband told me I didn't take accountability.  He  scared me so I shut down during therapy.  I explained this to the  therapist later and he wanted to stop working with us because he said  that my husband was abusive and I need to leave.  It would be unethical  to try to work this out.

I think  what really got to me was when things started getting physical.   Throwing things in my car... and then blaming me because I pestered him  about something.

What ended up ending us?

We  were on one of our highs and things were doing really well.  He wanted  to go camping with his friends and I stayed home to take care of our  puppy and the house.  We exchanged nothing but love throughout the  texts.  He has had a drinking problem and I asked him if he would be  honest and we can build trust so I don't worry he isn't keeping true to  his word.  He said yes and how much he loved me and our family.

within  hours he was face timing me and telling me he wanted me to confront him  in front of his friends.  I was really confused.  Confront him about  what?  How many drinks he has had and why he was blowing up my phone?  I  said I didn't want to involve them and hung up.  He was obviously very  drunk because he started to misspell and he wouldnt tell me the truth. I  said I was heartbroken he lied to me again about something so stupid  and I shut down my emotions.

When  he came back home I voiced I was sad and heartbroken.  I asked for one  more day of space because I was upset.  I changed the locks because I  said that one more time he broke my trust even if it is stupid I felt  like I couldn't do it anymore.  We needed trust as a foundation and he  just wouldn't stop lying.  He promised he would stop the lies.  He  stayed at a hotel that night.  The next day he came back I voiced how  sad I was from all the lying and I felt it wasn't ever going to get  better.  I had to leave for a vet appointment and then I watched him  bash me with the neighbors.  He told them about how horrible I am and  the notification came up on my phone as I was waiting in the parking lot  for our dog to come out.  I texted and told him it was hurtful.  When I  came home I told him it hurt me and he stormed out .  When he stormed  out I just needed space.  He later contacted the neighbors asking for  them to tell me he got a new apartment.

I  think this is the best for us but I asked what would happen moving  forward.  He says he loves me like hell and is crazy about me.  He was  so hurt by the perceived abandonment.

I felt done.  I started to focus on myself and my mental health.

the  thing is I am not trashing borderline personalities. I am not saying  they are bad people.  My husband is the most loving man.  He has  potential.  But there is an emptiness and blankness to him that no  matter what I did, I could not fill.  And in turn it lead to me not  being understood and feeling like a doormat.  My husband did so many  amazing things for our family and was great when things were great.  But  I took time to think about this for the last two weeks.  This isn't  love.

How can I love someone that I  don't trust?  How can I love someone that hurts me?  How can I love  someone that goes to anger and scares me?

He  is a borderline that hid it well .  He labeled it as depression and his  friends and family have no idea.  I think they felt I was a lot to  blame for this and knowing them, there's really not reasoning with them.   It felt like there was always a "villain" and my husband wasn't at  fault.  They were ultimately enabling and I felt that although I tried  to love my husband, I couldn't.  I didn't see him actually serious to  treat his borderline.

I  know he loved me or what he thought was love.  I'll always appreciate  it.  I'll always cherish it.  But I deserve to be heard and understood.   I deserve to also heal.  I deserve to also not live in constantly chaos  and black and white love me and hate me and want to leave me.  There  were so many times I've chased after him.

Please  remember this.  The more you chase the more you enable them.  It gives  them the sense of entitlement this is ok.  Cut your losses. I know it's  hard .  But life is short.  The passion and the intensity is great but  not sustainable with your mental health when they devalue you.  You are  either the worst or the best person.  Hold them accountable, you don't  deserve to be hurt.