This month has been hellish for me. Ill keep it short, breakup, lost almost all my friends, got called out for being autistic, and just dreading the day when i have to give back my cat who i just got a week ago. There is more but yeah. I have about friends at the moment, 2 of which ive been close with for a while. The other 2 i met on reddit and they were the ones who helped me though my breakup and helped me keep my sanity.

However, im scared cause lately all ive been doing is venting to them about all my problems. I havent really felt like ive been a good friend to them the same way they have been to me. Of course i could be paranoid but still feel like all i am is negative, and no one whats to be around a negative person. 

Ive been mostly alone my whole life. I ddnt make a friend until high school and even then we werent that close. Last year i learned how wonderful it can be to have friends and people to talk to. I made me realized how painful being alone really was and how damaging isolation can be to ones mental state. I am very antisocial and also autism which makes it hard to understand others and communicate sometimes.

I want to be a better person and make new friends with people who accept for who i am. While also learning how to be a better friend to those i am already friends with. Im just terrified of being alone again, i wont lie. Still, is this goal i have a bad one?