I guess the title is a lie, I started yesterday night. but im posting this because i’m not sure i want to take it again. 

let me explain 

i bought a gun after being depressed for a long time, and found myself with the loaded barrel in my mouth. I couldn’t do it. My cousin, the only person who knew about it, didn’t tell anybody because she trusted me, and she knew what was up the second she saw it. i still wanted to do it, but after watching ronnie mcnutt open up like a demigorgon, i couldn’t let her find me like that. 

i guess that’s all i needed, because after i realized i couldn’t do it, things got better. I graduated from high school, ex came back, im happier at work and im getting along with the kids. my cousin, little did i know, was shitting herself because i guess that’s what people do before they kill themselves, suddenly get happy. she told my parents and they stole it out of my home and, to cut the story short, ive been prescribed remeron. it pretty much knocked me out yesterday night, and it kinda scared me so ive been reading about it. My therapist said something that really upset me after i expressed my concern as well, and now im even more hesitant. is it going to make me slow, make me react slowly and slow my thoughts? is it going to ruin my relationships? is it going to make me numb? the only reason i couldn’t do it is because i WASNT numb. this doesn’t even make any sense and im really scared of it, and even more so myself. 

why do i even need it if i was doing better? 

sorry for the rant