Sorry for the long post. I think I'm kinda venting.


The thing is every day i realize how deeply scarred i am because of this life. I'm not gonna put up a wall of text here about my traumas. Just know that i am the product of a half religious freak half alcoholic family with no function at any times. I was not wanted as a child, growing up i was beaten, psychologically and sexually harrassed, ignored and left behind. I have so many things wrong with my health, I'm 22, just beginning my life. The truth is my mom never got any money to fix me, or maybe should i say she was busy spending it all for beer and she was making me go buy them when i was 10. My mind is in pieces. Every man i loved freaking stabbed me in the back, they took away parts of my soul and personal belongings. I was always weird, left out, "this is your fault", "oh.. that girl again." All my friends are starting their lives, going abroad and traveling. And i am sitting here looking at my balance which is 6$. I have no way of taking care of my mental health anyways.

No wall of text huh? That went pretty well. The point is that i can realize that i am deeply traumatized. 10 years in shitty free clinics. I am getting flashbacks..every day. Every waking moment. I remember how my father went ".....so?" When i told him that his absence caused me to grow up to be half a woman. I remember my mom saying "you should be ashamed that you got sexually harrassed. You must be to blame anyways." I remember walking up to a cab driver in the middle of the night with blood pouring off my face cause my mom beat me up again, and i had to kindly ask for a tissue then walk away crying because he refused to help.


This world, these people. They have done so many bad things to me. None of them said sorry. Not even a little sorry for breaking me in every way possible. Not even letting me have a piece of love growing up. I was 7 and mom was working, so she would leave to the daycare. There was a piano room in there, where a teacher would play sometimes and children sit down to listen. One day in that room a teached pulled me aside.. "why are your hands so.. tough? All your other friends have the softest hands. Why?" 

I do not know why.

See? That's how it is. Every moment that i can think they appear, these flashbacks. I probably have several triggers for every one of them so it's understandable. I am afraid of most things like going out. I'm not in the states and mental health is completely ignored and/or is way too expensive. There is no way that i can get therapy etc. The last time i went to the free clinic because i felt suicidal (mind you i am qBPD so it takes a lot to get me there)  and she gave me sleeping pills. 

TL;DR:  What I'm asking for is actual ways of self help. I get DBT yeah i have the workbook and I've been doing it since forever but does NOT help in traumas. If you can recommend a book or a technique for me, that'd be amazing. Thank you for reading through my bs. I am officially diagnosed.

P.S.I was bullied in this sub for "not wanting to get better" "not trying hard enough" because i asked for ways to self help. Please don't let people think that the only way out of this is through pills and therapists. Some people aren't  as lucky as you, i dont have guidance, i don't have a loving and supporting family, i don't have money. I have nothing but myself so if you're gonna talk about THAT please don't. 