My SO and I met 5 years ago. When we met, I barely understood my illness. She dealt with so much and stuck by my side because she truly loves me. I was diagnosed about a year into dating and I began the process of intensive therapy and DBT. We ended up getting married about 2 years ago. I have changed so much of my behavior. My symptoms are so controlled. I am so proud of the progress I’ve made, but I’m still an unhealthy person and it has taken toll on this relationship. We even started couples work a few weeks ago but I think she’s just tired, frustrated, and at her breaking point. 

There hasn’t been any animosity. Just a lot of crying and hugging and me trying my hardest not to dissociate or split or throw a temper tantrum or try and manipulate. She keeps telling me I’m the love of her life and she doesn’t want to let me go but it’s the right thing to do for both of us. Bottom line - I just want her to be happy and if I’m not the best person for her I just have to accept that. 

I am so afraid for my mental health. I’m staying level headed and staying strong right now but I feel like I’m going to crack. Right now we are just “separated” while she figures out if she’s sure about divorce so I’m in the process of moving in with my parents. I’m worried that when it officially becomes permanent, I’m going to snap and go right back to all of my old toxic behaviors or even become suicidal again. 

She is the love of my life too. I know this is killing her to break my heart. She even told me she knows she hurting me and she can’t stand it and all she wants is to be with me. Maybe there is hope that with this time apart we will end up back together, but probably not. 

I just want what’s best for her. I don’t know what’s best for me.