25M here. Crazy stuff happening lately. Almost feel to be having a breakdown of some sort and can't figure out what's going on. I feel I have been "off" and "different" my entire life, but I have not been able to put a finger on it. I'd also like to mention I have not been found to have ADD/ADHD, OCD, or Autism, as many people believe those are the only possible culprits for any human mental suffering. So I've decided to list many issues I have experienced throughout my life, and any insight would be appreciated.

\- Was a very anxious, nervous, and pretty awkward kid, who was prone to feeling embarrassed, self conscious, and humiliated. I was highly neurotic and didn't handle stressful situations well.

\- Later on developed some nervous motor tics, and dealt with a good amount of anxiety, even had a few attacks in public around the ages of 10-12.

\- Eventually, those mainly stopped. Overall, I had issues truly bonding emotionally with other kids in school. I lacked friends, and was often subject of ridicule.

\- In addition, I was very self conscious about my appearance, and sensitive to any perceived insults. As a result, I became a giant bully in school, verbally and even physically assaulting kids who I perceived to be against me. I would even belittle and assault others I thought were weak. I truly could not stand other humans

\- I would often try to do things in school for attention, bc I liked it. These weren't limited to mean/bizzare things.

\- Lots of emphasis was put on my appearance as a kid. Because of this, I find myself in constant comparison with others, ensuring I am "better". If I do not feel I am, I can become very jealous and even enraged. I could not stand to see any guy potentially better than me, and got annoyed when girls didn't give me the attention I believed I deserved from them.

\- Can be judgemental and have a bit of a black and white way of thinking. I am constantly analyzing people. I tend to label and dismiss others I don't deem to be necessary in my life, but idealize those who I deem to have positive qualities. Most of my humor is based off of dehumanizing others.

\- Lack of emotional empathy. I can certainly understand why people feel the way they do, but I generally won't feel it myself. Just simply believe that if it doesn't affect me, it isn't my problem.

\- Typically very hypersensitive and reactive to perceived attitude from people and remarks. Can also be very vengeful, and have a strong propensity to hold grudges, and have a difficult time letting go. I often will want to "destroy" people who have wronged me.

\- Overall, lately I have felt shitty. I am getting horrible intrusive thoughts that revolve around me belittling others, them belittling me, and even straight up violence against who I believe have done me wrong. Rumination is incessant. I have also been going through depressive episodes and mood swings, feeling amazing one minute and practically breaking down in tears the next. I also have pretty bad anxiety, and a fear something bad is gonna happen consuming me all the time. I struggle to even sleep properly. So, if anyone has some insight about this, I would appreciate it