I don't want to die, but I want to kill myself. It is without a doubt the weirdest paradox one can stare but that is my life right now. 


This is a long story and I would suggest just going here first: 


http://suicideproject.org/2015/08/im-a-good-person-right-right/


The emptiness from there has gotten even worse. He stole thousands of dollars out of my bank account, stole my S6 edge, PS4, Vita, and tons of games to sell for cash for drugs. I kicked him out of the house but I failed my best friend (who I shouldn't even call a friend) and have come to the conclusion that I am going to have watch him kill himself with his addiction. 


I already struggle with depression and BPD, and these events have left me with nothing. There are rooms in my own house I no longer go into because the pain is so much. I have great friends, but I always feel alone. I have a decent job that pays well, but I hate it. I sleep most days just to get through the day and I am at my wits end. 


My therapist is trying her hardest but I still feel do alone to the point I can't even manage to want to live. If it wasn't for the pain it would cause others, I would have done it by now (surprise, someone with BPD being selfless...) 


How do you deal with it? I have become a BPD poster boy, indulging in meaningless sex, going on shopping sprees, binge drinking when I go out, etc... But the next day the pain and emptiness is still there. 


Please help me, I want to live but the pain is just too much.