So I've heard of the phrase "Favorite Person" or FP for a while, but I didn't really think it applied to me. I'm a pretty reserved person and don't really hang around or idolize one single person. 

I'm trying to find a therapist and I can't seem to find one that's right. After a few weeks, I'm beginning to hear my thoughts in the sense that they're saying "Well, they're not M." 

M was my therapist last year. I really liked M for a variety of reasons. They were one of the first people I ever opened up to about being suicidal. They made me a list of traits they found positive about me. They considered coming with me to an AA meeting (but was stopped since they were just an intern and it was probably crossing the line). They also waited with me in the ER when I was hospitalized. I was crying and like they wouldn't admit me because my blood pressure was way too high and they tried to calm me down with jokes and by listening to me. While it never got to a level that needed to be brought up, I also found M to be pretty attractive, too. 

But after the hospitalization, I moved back home and they graduated from the program and are now in a different state. Cue in my current dilemma of not finding a therapist and I'm running into two main problems: either a.) a therapist just isn't that good (one would interrupt me when speaking and one asked why I ended up hanging out with someone who abused me) or b.) I just don't feel comfortable with the therapist.

The more I think about it, I can't help but feel like maybe...there's unresolved feelings about the matter. I tried to give M a gift before I left and they couldn't take it because it was against their policy. I also gave them a letter but I truly don't think they read it based on the last conversation I had with them last year. And now that I think about it and the fact that I'm still fixated on M--I'm exploring the possibility that they could have been my version of a "FP" and thus the lack of appropriate closure and the heightened situation could have put me in this flux. I think about emailing them or something a lot, but I know that's incredibly unprofessional and kinda hella creepy but it's like...I don't know why I'm still fixated on them. I think it probably could be that for the first time, I had a professional who actually listened to me and seemed to find the good in me even when I could only see the negatives. I think it's also the first time I had a professional who actually went out of their way to make sure I was okay--kinda, I guess. But I feel like because I'm still stuck up on M--I can't progress anywhere therapeutically and hence, I feel like I'm getting worse. 

I don't know if any of this made sense, but I just had to let it out somewhere and this is one of the few places where I feel like maybe at least one other person might understand the ramblings of my neurotic mind. 