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I get these waves of just utter nothingness, there’s no precursor that I can tell that really makes me feel this way. And there’s nothing that seems to make sense when I feel that way, I don’t have the energy to do anything. Not even the activities that I normally do to dull my senses and make sense to me. I’ll just be at my phone, staring at my screen while my mind is just somewhere else. 

Earlier my therapist asked if I was ever suicidal, I told him I wasn’t and I’ve never seriously considered killing myself but I have thought about it, mostly not even from a depressed standpoint but curiosity of what true nothingness would feel like. I haven’t told anyone this but whenever I’m on vacation with my family (essentially anywhere we’ve gone after covid) this is when I’ll typically consider it. Both times we’ve gone to Miami it seemed like we always had a balcony, I remember thinking to myself if I were to just jump what it would feel like, and if it would be painless. I even went as far as to look into if I were to jump if it would be lethal. Who knows why this is the case. I’ve came to the conclusion that I would never kill myself, this isn’t because of some will to live that’s deep down inside me but because I don’t want to effect my family, and few friends who would genuenly care. That being said, if there was ever some incident out of my control I would be completely fine with dying. Of course who knows how I would react when actually faced with this decision but this is how I think I would act. 

Truth is there’s no real reason I can blame my depression or whatever this is on. Sure, messed up stuff has happened to me but plenty worse has happened to other people and they’re still fine. My therapist suggested that I get put on anti depressants and I have no clue why but I didn’t want to take it. I guess it was some sort of denial of me diluting myself thinking I wasn’t that bad off. Truth is, I am. I was able to chock it up to some stupid reason like I think I would turn into a different person or would be afraid of being addicted to it. Although I can comfortably say I’ve never been addicted to a substance I’ve done far more dangerous things than take an anti depressant a doctor suggested I take that millions of people do. I remember one time I was so depressed I had gotten these pills from a trade a while back related to some nootropics and he gave them to me for free. I didn’t know much about them besides he said he made them happy. I took some completely random substance based off of someones word. Don’t get me wrong I looked up the name and it seemed safe but still. At this point I think even if I did turn into a different person when I took those drugs I feel like it would have to be for the best, I’m already in such a bad mental state, it can only be better, right? I still don’t completely trust anti depressants so I think I might try to see if I could get put on anti anxiety medication since I think that could be a root of my problems. Sorry about this rant, I just really need to get this out.