(Just an open letter of sorts to my dad about me. I just wanted to get this all out there.) 

Dear dad, 

You deserve a better daughter. 

In second grade I needed to do an “all about you” board. It asked who my hero was, and I wrote you in. Years later it’s not changed. Even after- well, everything. 

You ran away. 

You moved away and told no one where you were going and you came back only to see me. I hated you then. I rejected your gifts and cried over old photos of you. I insisted then that you had never been my hero and you never would be.

You came back. 

Your wife forgave you but now you were distant. You were neglectful. You spent your time away. You treated your kids like a high calorie cookie. “Out of sight, out of mind.” You had never been my hero and would never be. You came back, but you never *came back*.

You divorced her. 

She convinced me it was all your doing and she’s never done anything wrong. She lied. But I believed it. And I hated you. You had never been my hero. You never would be. 

When she started becoming heartless and hurtful, I started to change my mind. She moved in a useless irritating inept boyfriend and projected her hurt feelings into us. She was cold and unforgiving and I began to realize; if she lied about so much now, how much of you had she lied about? 

You deserve a better daughter. 

You’ve been through so much in your life yet you put on a brave face. I’ll never see half the things you’ve needed to see in your life. Abusive parents, jail time war, mental illness. Yet I’ve never seen you cry. And here I am- cracking after the first sight of hardship. 

Cut myself, starve myself, anything I can do to punish myself for existing. I’m abrasive and irritable. I get angry and I lash out. But you don’t. You’ve made your amends with the bad decisions you’ve made and you moved on- how do you do it? 

I wouldn’t wish your life upon anyone, but it doesn’t seem to bother you. You put out your best for us, your kids. You take a dozen drugs a day to level yourself and make yourself tolerable for the only people you ever came back for and you do it without complaining. 

I’m just saying, for what it’s worth,

You deserve a better daughter.