One on hand feeling so energetic, tripping over your words and having a brain thats thinking so quickly. Having an elevated level of confidence and being so confrontational. Extra motivated (but this motivation can be used to do harm).

On the other hand, having suicidal ideation, feeling hopeless, angry, agitated. Interpreting everything and anything as hostile. Being very paranoid  and sometimes psychotic. Dissociation. Everything has a dysphoric tint to it.

In mixed episodes, I typically deal with all of the symptoms above, but at the same time—OR in rapid succession (i.e. feeling motivated, then feeling extremely angry, then being severely depressed, then being fine but all in the same day). 

The real danger with these episodes is that you can be suicidal, while also having the energy to go through with it. While if I’m severely depressed, even attempting for example would take so much energy, so I’m most likely to attempt in mixed episodes. Both my hospitalizations were during these kinds of episodes. 

I find this is when I’m the most self destructive and out of touch with reality. I have trouble realizing the consequences of my actions. Whether it’s reckless spending, cutting people off, starting arguments—I just make so many brash decisions when in mixed episodes. I hate it.

As someone with psychotic tendencies this is where I experience the most delusions and hallucinations. 

With all that being said, mixed episodes can present in many different ways. So I’d love to hear anyone else’s experience with these types of episodes. 

Another thing to note is I also have BPD so that likely plays a part in the frequency (1-3x per month) and intensity of the episodes. 

Sorry for the long post!