I'm with someone who seems to genuinely love me. We've booked a holiday together for a couple of months from now. The day after he books our tickets I fight with him because I'm sure he's still in love with his ex girlfriend and I mean nothing to him - literally no evidence to support this other than what's in my head. I've picked fights with him every day for weeks. I feel like I've never loved anyone this much and I've never had anyone I could talk to about BPD before. But I'm still destroying it. And I don't know how to stop. 


Yesterday I hurt so much that I wanted to die to stop hurting. Today I feel empty. Yesterday I texted him that I needed him, and I was scared. He texted me that he was going to call an ambulance and that I needed to get help that wasn't him. And that he can't do this anymore. I've pushed him away too many times. I feel like I've completely ruined my life. I don't know what to do anymore. Why do I punish people for loving me. 

He hasn't returned any of my calls or messages. I don't know if we're really over or if that was another fight. I feel trapped in limbo. I can't believe he'd break up with me by text. But I think I've pushed him to his limit. I feel so broken and unlovable.