At the end of everyday everything just feels like a waste of time, even the most optimistic thought is immediately shut down by the reality of who I am as a person. Nothing matters to me, and if it does matter, I know I'm gonna fuck it up somehow along the way just by being the way I am. So I don't even want to try, it's all a waste of time for me and everyone that for some reason chooses to get involved. I know I'm not gonna change, even if I wanted to, it's gonna go bad because I'm a dumbass who can't ever do anything right.
Everyday I say goodnight and then lay in bed, thinking about every single thing I've done wrong, telling myself I want to die and then trying to convince myself that it is just in my head. 
I keep remembering how empty, underwhelming and uneventful everything in my life is, and it just makes me suffer, like adding salt to an open wound. When I fall asleep and then eventually wake up I just feel like shit, and then try to stay distracted through the day, but everyday something reminds me of how much my life doesn't fucking matter and the distractions just go away and become uninteresting. All that's left is the envy for the happiness everyone else seems to achieve with ease, and the emptiness with knowing it's all my fault. And it makes me want to die. 
It just doesn't go away, everytime I stop, and think, it's there "You should die" "Why won't you do it now" "What are you waiting for", I repeat myself "No" "Shut up" "Stop talking" like a mantra, to remind myself it isn't real, that I'm just making things up, but it won't stop, the thoughts won't go away, no matter how hard I smash my hands against the walls to bring myself back to reality, my mind remains there and my body is here. 
And the worst part is, I don't know what to do, I don't want to tell anyone anymore, most days I'm unsure if I even want to speak with people, it all just feels like I'm throwing my issues at others and making them feel responsible for my well-being, it's selfish, it's not something I want to do, the sensation of it being like putting my weight on someone else's shoulders for no reason is awful, it's asphyxiating. 
It hurts, it really hurts, and I scream inside every single moment, but all I'll do is pretend everything is fine, keep acting like I'm keeping up with things and doing my best when I barely even feel like waking up. If I lived alone I would've let myself die a while ago. 
I don't know if anyone even really cares about me, why would they? Why should they? There's nothing here, nothing to speak of, nothing to speak to. I don't want to inconvenience people, and if they care it's even worse, I'm hurting them by being alive. I've never tried to kill myself by any means, and I don't know if I'll try, but I don't think I'll make it far with all this fucking emptiness bringing me millimeters closer to it everyday.