He said he was afraid of me and when I asked why he literally didn't have an answer, he couldn't tell me what to change because there wasn't anything I could change - he was afraid of seeing me be angry and repress it, that was it. He was afraid of me reading because my expression would get intensely focused. He was afraid when I left the room to calm down, he was afraid when I kept my hands still and my eyes averted and my voice low, he was afraid if I sat across the room, he was afraid if I put on headphones, he was just. afraid. I literally tried everything I could short of a lobotomy to just get rid of all feelings.

On top of that, he was constantly lying to me; he "wanted my opinion on shampoos" only to now say I was controlling what he could use (????), he wasn't into parties until he could say I was keeping him from going to them (I wasn't, he just wasn't getting invited to them because his ex was pissed at me), he wasn't into weed, which triggers me, until he needed it to keep up with anxiety I gave him, he was okay not drinking (another trigger) until I was keeping him from connecting to his family by drinking, he wasn't into casual sex and was using it to self-harm until he left me and is free to do it with whoever now. I just. How am I supposed to trust the next person?

Like I will admit I could have been better about boundaries myself (I pushed an argument once when I know I shouldn't have) but every single time I set a boundary he just leaped over it? I told him I wasn't interested in being intimate with someone so he started a threesome with the guy, I told him I needed to leave the room to calm down when upset and he said that hurt him and I wasn't allowed to do that, I told him I was uncomfortable hearing what he was up to with his other boyfriend and he yelled at me that I hated his other boyfriend (who hated me), hated their relationship, and he needed to be able to tell me everything about what they were doing because otherwise he felt like he was cheating (and then later he cheated on me with the guy anyhow). I told him I wanted to know when he would be away from the apartment - abandonment issues! and also I just like knowing so I know when to expect to be alone - and he said he felt like he had to ask permission to leave - every time this was brought up I tried my hardest to get him to stop asking permission and just say "I'm going to go do whatever thing" but it never stuck, no matter what I did. I literally tried to get him to take baby steps by just telling me what video game he was going to play whenever he would switch from tv to gaming and he still asked permission every time, despite me answering with "are you asking permission? just tell me, don't ask" for months. MONTHS. God the most control I had over anything was just the weekly sleepover with the Other Guy and any time we reviewed it and talked about whether he wanted more time he would say he didn't, he felt too busy already and didn't really like spending that much time with him anyhow, all the way up until I was so fucking controlling for keeping him to the schedule. When we set it up he agreed to a schedule knowing it was just easier for me if it was the same every week, and knowing that it would be easier for him to schedule it around school anyhow! 

I just hate - hate hate hate - when everything I ask for is suddenly evil. Like. It's not that hard to text me that you're gonna be late getting home, and I'm not asking because I have Evil, Controlling Intentions, I just want to know? I even told him so many fucking times "it's cool if you're late just please let me know". Why am I always evil? Why am I seen this way, even when I'm trying my hardest? Obviously this boy isn't worth the effort anyhow but what am I supposed to do with the next one?