I think I’m manic but I feel depressed. Whatever. I don’t like this. I don’t really have any outlook for my future. I can’t stand whatever is wrong with me. All I do is engage in escapism. I don’t do any schoolwork. I don’t hang out with anyone. I barely call my family. I just float from place to place.

It’s getting hard for me to see the point in staying here. I’ve lost the outlook on life I had just a few years ago.

I’ve realized that doctors and therapists don’t care about me. Why would they? They are just doing their job. Self love is all a lie. It’s not possible. I am a hermit. The only time I enjoy is when I am sleeping and dreaming. And even then I have been having nightmares lately.

Every day is the same. Day in day out. I am no role model. My family has noticed the change in me and it just makes them sad. I’m sad. I don’t know what to do. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life. Medication is a scam. Meditation is a scam. Everything is a scam. I try to do art but all I do is point out the mistakes.

I used to dream of starting my own family and living free but now everything seems like a burden. I seem like a burden. I doubt I would be missed. I don’t know what’s so great about me. I am no longer who I used to be now that I see the world for the cold dark place it is. 

I see all the strangers in public happy and I wonder how they do it. I’m too strange. I am not of this earth. 

Fantasizing about shooting myself is my only respite. It makes me feel good to know I have an escape button. I have looked at my huge bottle of Depakote and wondered if it would do the trick.

My 20s just started and I feel middle aged. My therapist says I think like a 50 year old. Maybe my time is up. I can’t see into the future anymore and maybe that’s because I don’t have one. I just wish this was all over.