So I'm the designated patient/scapegoat in my particular toxic family system. Narcissistic dad, avoidant mother, both alcoholics and all that jazz with a sprinkle of physical and emotional abuse. BPD and various comorbid mental illnesses was a foregone conclusion. From childhood I was public enemy number one and got sicker and sicker. Once I realised what I was dealing with I spent my twenties in intensive therapy learning about bpd and practising and succeeding in emotional regulation etc. I got to a place where I legitimately was in remission but unfortunately turned my attention to trying to heal relationships with my family. Big mistake. A couple of years ago I accepted financial help and started a business out of a spare room at my family's home with the ability to come and go between my own place a couple of hours away and then.. boom pandemic! I'm stuck here and I'm back at square one with BPD. 

I won't bore you with the various triggering behaviours of my family. They suck. It's subconsciously deliberate on their part. They manipulate me and it makes ME suck. I'm totally emotionally dysregulated. I'm manipulative and entitled. In short I'm toxic again. I'm having alllll the bpd symptoms, mostly internalised so here we go again with self harm, suicidal ideation etc. I have total amnesia about who I really am outside of this toxic environment. And the worst thing is when I'm pushed to breaking point I once again give my family the satisfaction of being able to point at me and say 'see! You're the crazy one! We're normal'. 

I'm trying to get my shit together to get out of here. Pretty difficult to under the current circumstances but hopefully I'll get there soon and start the healing process all over again.