I want to preface this by saying I am in my late 30s and started getting help when I was 20.

My new trauma therapist checked up on me after an attempt earlier this week; they said they talked to a DBT clinician about me. The clinician told them that, oh yeah, DBT is totally invalidating. It can be not at all good for some people. I'm like SKFJGBKWEJLSNLGNSYLEL

Have I mentioned I love my trauma therapist? They are fucking real and don't hide the Great Oz behind a curtain.

So often DBT is touted as this magical, silver bullet that is the only way that people can be fixed. Because I wasn't "fixed" I assumed that I was beyond repair and I was fucking everything up. I have started to hate the word "coping" because it's like the response to any of my negative thoughts are (Genie from Aladdin showing up in a puff) how are you coping (puff) how are you coping (puff) HOW ARE YOU COPING

Like, I get it, but also there is a time and a place.

My new EMDR therapist has actually listened to me. I cried in a session recently because I realized I actually felt safe with her. That I haven't felt this way in... a long time. I realized how much pressure I felt with other clinicians, and how I couldn't bring myself to be fully honest because I was terrified of being judged and blamed more. How I needed to behave my best and show them I was working hard so they would trust me and listen to me (I would then "deserve" it).

I am facepalming so hard.

Speaking of "helpful" things actually being harmful, I called my psychiatrist yesterday. I wanted to ask them about a med change or ECT as possibilities (hi I was just in the ER for attempting) and they kept trying to be a counselor. The conversation was - I'm looking at my phone history - 27 minutes long. I told the doc twice that the conversation was NOT helping, but they kept pushing. I mentioned my parents and they wanted to talk about my parents, for example. They wanted to talk about my anger. I was like, hey, it feels like you're \*withholding\* a conversation that I want to have. I called to talk about a med change and ECT. And they were like "Well, I just I think it's best if you are empowered."

My psychiatrist should be happy, then, that I empowered myself by saying "OK, it sounds like I need to find a new psychiatrist then, thank you very much, bye" and hung up on their asses. God, that felt good.

I'm over here like, Jesus fucking Christ, it is no wonder that I feel so much shame for being ill and like I am fucking everything up. It's like people keep telling me that I shouldn't need meds or I should be able to do this or I need to work harder or I don't deserve help or I am unforgivable or deserve to be miserable. And like the things I feel I want/need are bad and I shouldn't want them; I need to doubt myself and my motives constantly. Even at my lowest I need to pick myself up and copecopecopecopecopecope "We're not doing X because want you to eventually not need anyone to validate you. You need to be able to do that yourself. But also, call your friends. Why are you not calling anyone? Everybody needs support."

Gee golly I wonder why invalidation seems to have become a bigger and BIGGER trigger for me, and why I feel like there's no treatment in the world that can possibly help someone like hopeless little me. Why I feel so confused and like no matter what I do, I am doing the wrong thing and am to blame. Because DBT might just infiltrate the pre-existing framework set by an abuser - not dismantle the framework. It fits so nice and fucking cozy in there.

I feel like a light has broken through the clouds I am finally finding my way to a path that actually makes me healthier and not sicker. Like, maybe I actually might have an inkling of what's good for me?! If something feels good maybe I should follow it?! WTF is this nonsense

I thought it would be good to share the insight that DBT might not be for everybody. This is seriously some life-changing shit for me.

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oh but i feel good about myself this must be bad and maybe i'm just lazy and maybe i'm indulging something i shouldn't maybe i should just blindly listen to someone with a degree because i can clearly trust them more than i can trust anything that comes from my own brain because i'm so fucked up and i have to completely tear myself down to the atoms because to be acceptable in any way i must be fundamentally different from who i am and how i feel at any time because i am wrong and only by the mercy of others do i have any hope of surviving in this world

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PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME I NEED TO GO BACK TO DBT OR THAT I DON'T HAVE IT RIGHT. I will unleash the wrath of a thousand gods upon you. Reading comprehension is important. I am terrified of this community because I might be judged as a "bad borderline" and I am taking a HUGE risk by posting this. I am a good fucking person and I try hard and it's been a hellish week and I don't deserve to be criticized right now.