I sometimes get sad for no apparent reason, it is usually triggered by seeing happy couples or someone I'd like to be with.  When I'm with my friends I have a hard time hiding it or explaining it, I'd need someone to hug and cuddle me and tell me everything's alright.  My mother died when I was quite young and she was an important figure for me, my father wasn't very good at dealing with her death and I haven't properly dealt with it myself.

So now I often feel lonely in company and I can't tell anybody "Hey, I really need to cuddle", I now prefer being on my own, when I have emotions created by something that happened years ago it isn't really relatable for others, it's hard to explain and I don't need someone talking to me, I need someone to cuddle. When I'm alone I find it easier to deal with this, I don't need to explain anything and I need to take care of myself anyway.

I used to project my longing for the love of my mother into potential partners, and now I don't do that anymore, I try really hard to see people how they are.  But this feeling isn't going  away, this void inside of me and I hope that I can find someone who's willing to deal with this; me being childish, cuddly and in need of reassurance like a nine year old.