I have had a lot of experiences with I suppose you could say mental illness. There’s a lot that has happened to me, I believe it formed overtime due to excess drug use. Anyways, I want to cut straight to the point here because I can’t explain everything everything, neither do I want to.


I have had incredibly scary dreams the past year or so, they come and go. They’re very vivid and demonic, they don’t scare me because I feel incredibly abnormal as a person every day, idk whats wrong with me entirely. The nightmares are very vivid, surreal, and come across as satanic to me. They depict things very disturbing and tend to include 3 dimensional figures that are humanoid, they look like something straight out of a very high quality computer animation. They’re inconsistent in nature, they don’t all look the same. Most of them are humans, some of them look like monsters, every single one of them look like monsters who am I kidding... I haven’t had them in few weeks, they always occur when I am half asleep and awake, that’s when they’re most vivid. I have frequent sleep paralysis as well as things I have seen that should absolutely terrify me but I feel nothing, I know they’re not real subconsciously is my presumption. Here’s a good example of a nightmare I had 3 weeks ago... my grandma died recently, she was a care taker to me when I was younger. I loved her to death as a kid, but i grew distant from her as an adult, in this dream there was no imagery or anything but brief stagnant scenes of my old house looking derelict. I heard her voice. I never saw her, everything was dark and gloomy and grey. She sounded very strange, like she was in a mix between crying and exclaiming something with glee, it sounded horrible. She was talking about Jesus Christ, and she just keep saying things that implied to me she was nowhere like heaven, and implied to me there is no god and her faith was all in vein. She died a horribly fast death due to a heart attack, she always talked to me about god and how much I should love Jesus. There have been way worse things that I have seen.

But that’s just in my dreams.


When I am awake I feel VERY STRANGE. as if I am zombie, idk how to describe it, I feel like I’m not even human. Like I am missing something vital within me. I have trouble concentrating, and thinking about complex things, I feel brain dead or as if my brain doesn’t function to its full capacity, at times I feel like half a chunk of my mind is missing, and where thoughts should be there is nothing at all. I could describe myself as an oaf. A fucking imbecile, a moron, idk anymore. But that’s just in my head, in my chest, in my stomach I feel like where my soul should be, where my heart should be there is nothing but a vast black void there. Like I have no feeling whatsoever. I describe it to myself as if there is a dimension within my body, a type of ephemeral realm of some kind. Completely devoid of everything. I describe it to myself as hell. I feel pain consistently, I hurt and I feel like I’m suffering, and I soak up the pain like a sponge. Idk what the hell is wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I can feel again. I feel split in two. ITS FUCKING COMPLICATED.

I shove others away from me, I don’t have any relationships at all with anyone. besides on the surface, I have a personal relationship with my parents but I never tell them any of these things. I try and act as normal as I possibly can with others, especially my family. I do decent enough in life to where it doesn’t become a problem and I’ve come to accept that this is how life is for me nowadays. I feel like I’m a monster not a human, and not because I do bad things of any kind. BUT BECAUSE I FEEL THE WAY I DO.

This is the worst part for me. Sometimes. I feel like my head is sick. But not like a psychotic kind of sick, I mean I could describe it as such but it’s not that I’m delusional or out of touch with reality entirely, it’s as if my brain has contracted the common cold, it’s a sickly feeling that comes and goes. Some days it’s never there. Idk why it won’t go away and I keep hoping it fucking will some day.

But that’s not the point, I sometimes feel a very scary feeling... like all my thoughts will just completely tear apart, and this happens very infrequently. But when it does happen it scares the shit out of me. And it has happened only at times when my thoughts get very dark. And dark in a sense that they focus on the most outlandish theories. I once thought I lived in the matrix and when I thought about this very deeply I began to feel as though everything I experience and feel is completely fabricated, and I am hooked to a machine where I am being observed every waking second of the day by some unknown force. And I began to see things inside my head that almost made me feel like that confirmed this to me. And it was like I was being pulled back from within my own brain, like my consciousness was being ripped from the waking world into a state of mind that I knew would completely inhibit me from functioning, for how long idk.

There have been times I’ve thought about god, and how it makes sense that god is possibly an evil psychotic monster that is secretly real and controlling every single one of us without our awareness of it. LIKE THIS IS ONE GIANT VIDEO GAME and everything I am doing is something I have no control over but think that I do. When I thought about this deeply my head feels like it will snap. I think it’s what it feels like to have a psychotic break, but it never completely snaps. I have no idea if it will or not and it think it’s something I have control over, I can stop it before it actually does.... 

That’s all I have to say. Say whatever you want To this.