I've had severe chronic depression, situational depression, and seasonal depression my whole life, so it's getting even worse now that it's getting to the fall and winter holidays.

I thought I had been rid of my chronic and situational depression. But recently, someone I know started spreading lies about me (stupid childish drama) and it lost me one of my best, and only, friends. I've been bullied my whole life, so this is bringing back a lot of childhood trauma for me on top of my feelings about the whole situation.

Sometimes I think about hurting myself, but I can't afford therapy, and I've always had a difficult time with therapy anyway (bad therapists, feeling too awkward to talk, etc). And even if I could afford therapy and didn't have a hard time with it, I'm afraid of what they would do if I was honest.

I'm terrified that they'd want to put me in a program or something (it almost happened when I was a teen), it would make things so much worse because I have a fear of loneliness and isolation.

I'm scared that I'll start self harming again. I'm scared that my family will find out that I'm not as strong or happy as I look. I'm scared that I'll get stuck feeling this way. I'm scared that if I do nothing, it'll become too much for me. I don't want to fall apart again, and I don't want my life to fall apart again.