

Hi everyone, looking for advice/insight here. I discovered this group about a week ago and have pretty much immersed myself in reading past posts and comments. I hope it isn’t too offputting that my first post is a “help me diagnose myself” post!

So, I’m in kind of a weird predicament. I am, after 36 years, starting to recognize the fact that I have major mood issues. I’ve been to a few psychiatrists and therapists and have never been diagnosed as such, but TBH I really only stuck around with each for a few sessions, and I have become pretty good as masking my issues. 

I don’t even want to call it “masking” because it isn’t something I do intentionally, its more of a subconscious sort of defense-mechanism.  

The weirder thing is I’ve spent the better part of my life working in mental health. I’ve been a MH nurse for 7 years now and before that, spent 2-3 years as a behavioral health tech and studying psychology. I guess it really isn’t that weird, in fact, there’s an age-old theory that it’s those WITH mental health issues of their own who are drawn to this industry. Even still, it isn’t easy to diagnose yourself, especially if the presentation is not textbook.

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years now. The first few were (relatively) smooth. I actually used to profess to myself a lot how I had finally just met the right person, that this was how “it should be” to be in a healthy relationship with no arguing. I still believe that to am extent, he is the first person I’ve been with who hasn’t put me through a string of affairs or unhealthy situations. But nowdays we argue. A LOT. Like, pathologically a lot. We can’t seem to even have a conversation about anything without arguing.

He has insisted for years that I have strong symptoms of BPD (he says bipolar. I've always said it's more borderline). I haven’t felt the need to officially have a diagnosis, I think for several reasons: 


1.       I worry a little about what it would mean to have that in my “file” because of the fact that the same company I work for is also my health insurance company, and also the same company/group of physicians/psychiatrists that I intend to work under for my graduate preceptorship (I am going to school to become a mental health NP)
 

2.      While it started as something I thought was 100% well meaning, nowadays the feeling I get from my husband is that he wants to use this label as a sort of scapegoat so that anything going wrong in our relationship can be attributed to “my issues” -- rather than concrete things we both need to work on. All arguments seem to end in "you really need help." This is kind of a whole sperate subject, so I won’t really go into that/will save that for another time. But anyway, that’s part of why I am reluctant to seek an official diagnosis. I worry what that would mean for our relationship. 

 
I am seeing a psychiatrist next week via “doctor on demand” and plan to be like, really honest with her. The thing is, I *was* honest with my last psychiatrist and told him things like “I get mood swings a Lot” and “I find things wrong each and every day, sometimes 20 or 30 times a day” and “I get irritable at the slightest thing going wrong”
 

I wonder if he thought I was maybe self-diagnosing/leaning toward a certain diagnosis as people tend to do. I can say those things to him, but the person I present is relaxed/calm, patient. This is how I act at work also. Then I come home, see that the dishes aren’t done or something and I completely lose it.
 
 

 My husband thinks I need to be more honest with the doctor. I don’t know. It’s hard to not feel like a lot of my anger, irritability and mood are actually circumstantial. I have high expectations of my partner to be fully involved in childcare and housework, and he kind of deludes himself into thinking were equally carrying our weight, when I feel like it's more like 70/30. 


I also carry a lot of resentment because we decided to have a child (his first child) after my older son was grown and I was just getting my career set, now I am back to being stuck in a really routine domestic setting while he advances his career and gets the recognition as the major bread winner. I won’t go too into that though.
 
The things that point to BPD

1.       Severe and rapid mood swings every day


 
2.       Extreme irritability, extremely low tolerance for stress. This isn’t at work or anywhere else though, its almost pretty much just home and in my mind, stems from a strong desire to be alone/decompress and some barrier to being able to do that (kids, messy house, etc)


3.       Lashing out at my partner, being extremely critical of him. But again, is this pathological if the things I am criticizing are accurate? Like if he needs to spend more time helping clean, etc (we have very different ideas of what clean is)

4.       Going into hyper-drive, waking up some days and obsessively organizing or cleaning or feeling the need to accomplish 20 things in a day. If you come to my house you can tell what kind of day it is. It’s either meticulously clean, or it looks as if I’ve “given up”- dishes piling up, laundry being thrown on the floor, etc. It’s kind of all or nothing which is what leads to problems with my husband. 

 
5.       Getting really irritable and depressed if I feel unproductive or “stuck in the house" -- another source of contention between my partner and I, as he would happily sit in the house 24/7, and tyipcally does. 

6.       Having days where I feel the complete opposite, like I don’t have the energy to shower. This is also tricky because I have chronic migraines so sometimes a migraine will hit and it will force me into this state for a few days

7.       Racing thoughts, rumination. I have always identified this as anxiety though. I really never stop worrying, I would say only 5-10% of my attention is on whatever I’m doing, the rest of my mind is somewhere else worrying about something. I also have chronic issues with memory and disorganization.

8. Very low self esteem. Ruminating in negative self talk. Hypersensitivity to criticism. 
 
Things I don’t identify with:

 
1.       I have no history of anything like cheating on a partner, compulsive sex, compulsive spending. Kind of the opposite actually, I am obsessively careful with money, extremely frugal, and very cautious in almost everything I do.

2.       My mood swings are up and down every day, I don’t think I have “weeks” or months of being depressed or manic. It’s more like fluctuations every day and every week.

3.       I don’t get hyperverbal, I dress really modest, no tattoos.

 
 
So, I’m sorry to make my first post about this kinda thing. I was hoping to get some input I really value and appreciate the insight I see here in this board. You guys collectively know way more about BPD than most professionals I work with. I plan to meet with the doctor on Monday, try to be more open and communicative, and discuss trying a mood stabilizer. I am thinking of Lamictal. I have to be careful with medication with my migraines. I tried Neurontin and Topamax in the past (for migraines) but saw little effect on my mood, but I know those aren’t first line at all. 

TIA everyone. I promise I'll pay it forward and help another newbie when the time comes