Good morning folk,

As you can imagine by the title this isn't necessarily a fun post to write/read.

I'd like to tell you a little bit about myself before I go into what's eating me atm so please bare with me 🙂

I'm 26, male and straight though my partner says she gets demisexual vibes from me. I work at a distribution centre and spent four years as a safety rep (this is important) before stepping down. I was and will be a member of an MCC again (motorcycle club)

I've had two operations one of which has limited my mobility and causes a consistent and mild discomfort.

Now to the point.

I'm tired, hurting and empty.
I'm currently awaiting some appointments with a therapist and I've got good people supporting me but despite the support, I've had thoughts of self harm, some of which I have acted upon.

Despite the self harm which is a tool to allow me to feel, I've got a partner that I do care for and plans and hopes for the future. My way of saying that I'm not going to do anything final.

I've discovered through sessions and self understanding that I'm a destructive burn out who struggles to live "normally". I'm in debt but as I write this I don't feel a thing, I don't know what compels me to write this either.

I need to be a better man but I'm struggling to "want" it. 

I feel like I am a good person despite being known as a bit of a rogue sometimes. I've gone into burning buildings to help people, I've run food for desperate families during the height of COVID and done that many charity ride outs I've lost count but I feel unattached to these things despite knowing that I need to do them. I feel the same about my old safety jobs.

I'm not blowing my own trumpet listing these things but more listing what I want to be important to me again.

Despite this I've been in painful scenarios that I've triggered that have hurt both myself and my "comrades" including a high speed crash off of an A1m sliproad in South Yorkshire and alcohol and substance abuse.

I want to improve but I feel like I'm broken in a way that inspires me to harm myself to feel things.

My good moments happen when I'm with my partner or with my "brothers" but it's a battle to want to invest myself in these moments and those important to me deserve better.

Can we discuss this shit?