Hi everyone.
I’m not really sure how to say all of this so it’s basically what it says in the title. I only show my symptoms to my FP and my FP only.

TLDR: remember feeling bpd symptoms at young age. Always got shut down by parents/caregivers whenever I showed any sort of bad emotion. Met current bf/FP and after a few months when he left for university my symptoms became more and more visible outwardly. I only seem to show my bpd to him and only him and I’m not sure why. I feel completely fake to everyone else but him. And to him, I feel like a horrible horrible person. 

Sorry if this post is a mess or confusing, please let me know if anything needs clarifying 
A little backstory (I guess lol):
I remember always feeling certain symptoms since a young age like fear of abandonment etc. 
I recall times growing where my family would be abusive to me or just upset me or make me angry and I’d cry. However, whoever did the upsetting (usually Mum or Dad) would belittle me for crying. Especially my dad. Every single time. 
Growing up, he would get mad at me me and anybody else for that matter for showing any sort of negative emotion. Whether they were emotions that were because of him eg being upset or whether we were just having a bad day and weren’t feeling to chatty. 
I say all of this because I believe it’s probably linked. 
I guess I grew accustomed to hiding my emotions from my family with the fear of being shouted at more or upset even more or being made to feel guilty. 
There have been times (not often) where I would get angry and start crying / screaming. But mostly everything was very... inward?

It wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend (FP) where all of my symptoms have come out so suddenly. But only to him? Anger, lashing out, screaming, crying, sometimes physical aggressiveness, having intrusive thoughts etc. All of it comes out to him. 
My FP is the only person who knows about my bpd. I feel too scared to react to anything when I’m with other people. When I’m in public or with anyone who’s NOT him I just feel everything inside and it’s like I physically cannot let it out. 
The fact that he is the only person I have ever showed symptoms to really pains me as for 1) it’s not nice for him and 2) I still don’t understand any of it. I don’t know why I react the way I do... because it’s so new. This became most intense around September last year when my bf/FP left me for university and we were made to do long distance after only being together for 2/3 months before. i had problems regarding trust issues and intrusive thoughts i.e he’s cheating on me etc and I self harmed for the first time in around 4/5 years just before he left. 
I feel like this post doesn’t make any sense at all I’m really sorry! This was kind of just a brain dump, it’s been on my mind for a while. I just want to know if anyone else has experienced the same?

