I've quit my job. I have no car. I have no family. I have no friends. My heart was broken for the second time, and I can never love again. The impending homelessness. I jave a roommate but don't want to associate with him because he is the kind of person who cheats on every girlfriend he has, and that disgusts me to my core. I haven't spoken to a human in person, face to face since I quit about 10 days ago. I've reverted to being nocturnal, which is just something that always happens when I am left with no distractions.

It's all flowing, with immense inertia. The fluid of my true feeling, my real self.From time to time the gate valve opens and closes, and it's open. I don't fit into this society. I can't, and have barely a fragment of desire to be a part of a society that wants me to do some dumb bull shit to sustain an "economy", to further the perpetuation of the idea of currency as something inescapable, while not taking the whole hearted and united step we should be taking to fix what actually matters. I think what matters is you, me, everyone, every living thing. Helping eachother, both the human animal and the animal, fungus and plant and otherwise to just be better than we are. We can't even take care of ourselves, we can't even meet the needs of the massive amounts of mentally ill, homeless, foodless. It's even worse than that, they're majorly ignored or even hated. 
For what then does society boast? It isn't actually helping, it's just become a gradual, and hesitant, procrastinating machine that isn't yet conscious in the same way we individuals are yet. It's stupid, and still a child, and is going to take a bit beyond our lifetime to evolve. Into what? No idea, maybe it will deny biology, and technology will become life, when it has reached consciousness. Maybe we will stay biological but become able to perceive something new that we cannot fathom, something we just cannot understand as we are trapped in the cage of logic and reason, trusted them as they've helped us live.

Hey but don't be with any worry. I'm not killing myself, despite that part of me constantly, unendingly telling me that's how it's going to end. I have things I want to do and learn. My goal right now is to save up just a bit and then go hike the Appalachian trail, as it's something I feel the need to do, and have been wanting to do for many years. After that I will probably just go through the cycles of trying to fit in with everyone again, until the gate is open again. Over and over again, until maybe the cast iron just cracks one day under the force of it closing again. Maybe it'll rust shut. I hope I do not become bitter. I'm not an angry person, and I hold absolutely no hatred for anyone or anything. I am just very hurt, and very alone. I'm alone. And at this point, it's my fault, and I'm too exhausted, and I don't think anyone understands me as person anymore. I am obscure. But I'm going to be the man I am. I'm not going to take any medication, or seek drugs or alcohol, I don't feel compelled to do so. I want to be myself, and obtain some understanding. I admit I need much therapy. I need to learn to deal with the sickness, and the logic plague. I also need some love, and the gift of being able to share all the love I have inside that I so desperately want to give. But I'm not going to be loved if I cannot even talk to a single human. I need to change or I'm going to die. I wish to have something resembling a family one day, in whatever form that takes. I really wish, I really wish for someone to understand me, and accept me, and learn and grow with me, and watch me become better, for me, for you.