the reality was that i was bullied by two or three individuals in middle school, but my brain deceived me into thinking the entire grade treated me like shit. every person was a jerk, an abuser, a tormenter.

then i recited the narrative to my mother, my father, my first therapist, my second therapist, my third therapist, friends, etc. ultimately, i convinced myself that was a bona fide account of my life. 

by not naming names and discussing my story in general terms, i alleviated the pain associated with the two or three names. but meanwhile, i incriminated the vague "school population," which began to take on a life of its own. 

it began as "everyone ignored me while i was bullied," which evolved to "everyone ostracized me and looked down upon me." alas, it became "everyone picked on me and made my life miserable. they ALL bullied me."

my life has become a case of pseudo-PTSD: i experience all the symptoms of a trauma survivor, yet none of the trauma. or if i did have trauma, its probably half-real, half-bogus.

despite knowing my memories are delusions, i cant accept that perhaps my experience wasnt as terrible as i remembered. because hey - thats how terrible it *felt.*