im so angry with my boyfriend suddenly cutting all contact with me and blocking me everywhere. i feel the impulse to check his social media just to see if i can get any "answers". 

but while we were dating i never checked his social media, because i knew that stalking social media was a toxic trait that i did with my previous fps. i thought it would be beneficial to the relationship as a whole to let him have his privacy and not hyper-analyze all of his social media activity looking for affirmation to confirm my skepticism about him.

but now that hes gone, cut all contact, ive had an immense urge. he told me that hes happier living in the "real world" which means without me, as we were in a long distance relationship. i want to see if thats really true.

 but the last time i stalked an fp who cut me off, all i saw was them telling everyone what a piece of shit i am, that theyre happier without me, and their friends telling them i should kill myself and im just some kind of predator who preys on kindness.  it fucking hurt and their words still play on repeat in my head to this day.

he also told me that he just doesn't care for love before he broke up with me. but i had a feeling he might be cheating on me with his coworker because he became incredibly cold to me once he got a new job. if i go on there and see that it will stab my already shattered heart and then i REALLY wont have any desire to live.

i just feel so betrayed by him, he led me to believe we would share a life together, only for him to tell me that being with me is a waste of his time. i hate that i got no closure and i likely never will considering his family who has always hated me is now telling me he wants nothing to do with me.

i know nothing good can come from looking, but the temptation to find "answers" is eating me alive. i still havent looked but i feel like i will eventually and ill see something i really didnt want to see. i already feel so sick knowing he hasnt thought about me since he wiped his hands clean of me.