Tw://sh, suicide talk

So I’ve been on sertraline for like a week and a half now. First days were great- I felt on top of the world, like I was on party uppers again and it was AMAZING. It wore a little bit but I still felt good, started getting ill on an afternoon at work and got some migraines but those sort of stopped yesterday. Today I feel worse than I’ve actually felt in years. I need something to hurt me so fucking badly it’s ridiculous and I’m fighting the urges as much as I can. I just need to feel something and get it out, I don’t even think I want to be here. My brains screaming at me to manipulate people around me- lie to them to get attention, so they’ll look at me and help conquer what I’m feeling instead of doing it myself but I refuse to do that. I might ask for help if someone’s free but I can feel myself spiralling and it’s not fair for me to trick others.  I just need to know how to cope through this??