I worry, endlessly, that all I can ever do is manipulate people.

I’ve asked my parents and fiancé and friends if they consider me someone who lies and manipulates to get what I want. Consistently they’ve said ‘no’.

Which makes me think ‘I must be that bad then. A snake in the grass and they don’t even know it.’

This started when I was diagnosed with BPD. I read that borderline people only manipulate and hurt. Although I know this is a stigma, I can’t get it out of my head.

Now I’m second guessing every move. I’ve stopped going out. I’ve stopped interacting. I’ve stopped talking to people.

Every time I talk to someone, the interaction gets stuck in my head. I go home and lie in bed for hours trying to figure out how I hurt that person, how I used that person, how I manipulated that person.

I can’t sleep, I feel like I don’t deserve food, and my panic attacks keep getting worse.

I think; “How am I hurting people without realizing?” Not knowing makes me feel like a bad person. Knowing feels like I’m doing something. Knowing makes me feel calm.

I’ve ended friendships over this. I’ve lost so much sleep. My hair is falling out.

I know I’m just hurting myself. But this doesn’t matter. I need to do it. It’s an addiction. If I don’t I freak out.

Am I the only one? How do I fix it?