After being depressed and isolated for 3 years, just after turning 17(m) I was groomed by an older woman online and have never recovered what little trust I had in myself and others. 

Therapy has done nothing for me, I feel like I don’t deserve help or meds (doctor said nothing was wrong with me even after I told him how miserable every second was, refused to believe I could have anything other than temporary anxiety as I was just getting into college (my fault for never telling the qualified professional about my biggest secret that I never felt comfortable speaking about)) and I refuse to accept any love or care as real. I now have a deep-seated fear of physical affection from women yet become incredibly envious to see others receive any themselves, even if all I want is to see those around me happy and enjoying themselves. There’s nothing I’ve been able to do on my own and every woman I’ve spoken to or allowed to get close has only made me more paranoid and afraid. Why do people want to touch me and be up on me and hold me if it means nothing to them (can’t it ever be real)? It’s terrifying to accept any care or physical touch even though I let it happen every time because in the moment because it’s all I ever want. I’m miserable and I just want to feel needed just like everyone else around me seems to. I just want to be missed sometimes, I want all the attention, I want to hide, I want nobody to miss me. The contradictions are horrifying and I just want to go back those 3 years and undo the little things I did to ruin what I have now.

Nobody seems to care about what I need truly, yet they say they do and then do the exact opposite, or so it seems. This little microcosm of suffering that sits in the back of my head at all times poisons every good experience I have. Everything I do has an end goal of making me the center of attention so that everyone can know just how much I hate their happiness and want them to feel like I do so that they might care for me, even if I truly want the exact opposite 99% the time and wish everyone would just be at peace and enjoy life. Nobody can tell I feel this way, I do everything in my power to hide it from them because of how precious their happiness is to me. I have plenty of friends but I feel like I mean nothing to them. Even I don’t believe myself sometimes, maybe I’m just doing this to get attention, maybe I am a bad person for trying to be friends with women that help me  with my issues (I am well liked yet get called a simp or a shithead or a tail chaser or anything else by my guy friends, even the ones who know about the trauma), maybe I am a burden to everyone I speak to, I don’t know. 

I hate my face and my body and want to be someone else every time I see myself, even if I’m told I’m good looking or attractive or anything by the majority of people, it’s not real to me. I have never felt like anyone alga’s ever been attracted to me, and I’ve only ever been rejected or in situations where it’s not reasonable to approach certain people in my mind.

All it takes is one bad decision to kill what little hope and confidence you had. I constantly run back to being purely depressed and flooded with negativity just so I can feel something really strong again, unlike when I let myself be happy and then ruin it for myself. Not even fulfilling my greatest wants will make me happy for long, I’m just a pawn in everyone else’s game anyway.

I’m nothing compared to most people and I just want to feel safe again, as dramatic as that is. 
My life is nothing but success at this point and it doesn’t even matter. Cry me a river useless creature that I am.