I’m 24 years old. I never finished college because of how awfully I finished the last semester I ever attended there. It’s even more shameful knowing that it was community college, which is basically “easy mode” for the average person. 

I only lasted a year and a half at my previous job at Whole Foods before I stupidly quit and spent all of 2020 jobless. I finally applied to several places last year, mostly pharmacies since I wanted to keep trying for a career in a healthcare-related field. Nobody responded back except for one, who didn’t hire me after one interview. 

I finally got pulled into a retail pharmacy inside a grocery store. Spent almost a month doing courses on the computer. Attempted the final exam and I got 76%, about 4% away from the passing grade. I have been devastated since then. I haven’t left the house and have been having crying episodes and bombarded with negative self talk. I haven’t told my family anything but I know if I did they would be even more disappointed in me. Not even encouraging words from my s/o or long distance friends are helping me. I just feel so awful and always on the verge of crying or killing myself. 

I have two more attempts remaining to take the test, but my manager wants me to get over with it asap due to pressure from corporate. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it, I’m certain I’ll just fail again. It all just feels like too much, which is so funny because literally anyone I’ve known who became a pharmacy tech talked about how easy and fun it all is. I must be some special brand of stupid that I can’t even pass a basic standardized test.

Its amazing how I keep failing at every aspect of my life. It’s almost like I was never meant to be alive. I feel so terrible I can’t even sleep, and when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares. 

I had so many years to do something great with my life and become something, and now its all over. I’ve ruined it. It’s my fault. I’m the oldest daughter in my family, yet I am such a disgrace. Such a poor example of a human being for my much younger siblings. I bet they’re ashamed of me. I have no value as a human being. I don’t even want to try again, I don’t want to exist anymore.