I'm 27m and no matter what I do I feel like I'm just at a dead end. I'm unemployed and went through almost 6 interviews in the past month and that's doesn't even compare to the 50+ jobs that I applied to, and I got another two lined up back to back but I'm doubtful if I'd even get those. I mean granted I'm not applying to every job mostly because I don't want to do fast food anymore and it just makes me feel like my history teacher was right that all I'll ever be good at if flipping a burger. 

Not to mention that everyday I struggle with the urges to want to use drugs again especially now. I'm 1 years and some months clean and every one of those aa meetings, and subreddits for recovery are so annoying with the whole you gotta give it up to God, and take it one day at a time because it gets better. Like I grew up my entire childhood Christian and not once did my depression get better, in fact it only got worse because I later grew up to be a drug addict with a criminal record. 

The worse part is that I gave all my friends to get sober and now I'm literally alone, making friends is so hard because I'm a social wreck, I see a bunch of groups on Craigslist and I think hey that looks like fun but then my mind creates a long list of reason why it would be pointless. I kinda got a group of people to play with on my games but I barely have the motivation to play for more than 5 minutes before turning the damn thing off and going back to stare at my wall again. And when I do play with them I just feel like I'm just in the background, when I talk it usually go unnoticed so I just sit there quite listening to all of them have fun 

I tried getting help but the nurse practioner and when I tell her the meds aren't working and that they're making feel worse, making the concept of ending it all feel more   like a reasonable option all she kept telling me I need to get out and exercise. I hate exercising when I do it I don't feel better I feel worse, I feel angry and I hate everything around me more so than I originally did before I exercised and then when I did exercised. I got state Healthcare since I don't have a job so my treatment plans are limited

I literally wish there was an easy way out that didn't involve hurting those around me that do care. Actually no that's the worse part is knowing that I have people who care about me yet I still just want to end it all despite knowing it would ruin them emotionally. I feel like such a selfish P.O.S all because my brain doesn't want to function right

Thanks for letting me vent