I know that I probably don't have BPD, because a lot of my emotions are internal but I have a question on how I can help some of these similar traits because I feel like I relate to a lot to these posts on this subreddit and was hoping that in some way that you guys would be able to give me some advice on what to do.

I have this friend that I have been friends with for four years and have been attached to them and am afraid to ever leave them for a multitude of reasons. Lately these traits have gotten worse due to quarantine coming up and my stress rose (I have paranoia whenever I have stress, I don't really understand it much, I've had it ever since I was a child), and they've been getting the worst of it. I got so worried that they'd leave and that they were lying to me, I ended up poking a hole where I shouldn't have and doubted whether they had a disorder when there was no proof that they had it or not, which was not my place and it got put because I was so scared and I made them mad (I always wanted to make them mad, it made me ecstatic just thinking about it because I poured my heart out to them and they gave me nothing) but instead of being happy I felt awful and felt empty, it's usual I do but I don't know. The thing is, even thought it's been years since the stuff that happened I was hoping these traits would go away like my paranoia, or my emptiness, my sadness or my destructive inner anger but it hasn't left and it makes me feel really bad that I cannot help it, I just want my friends to feel safe around me again and not feel like I'm always on edge or have nothing to talk about or just not talk to me because I'm nothing anymore. Well, I've never have been anything since I brought up my personality to my mom when I was 11 and she gave no help, and I'm still stuck feeling empty and awful and I still hurt people because I feel they are out to get me all the time, that people are going to start bullying me again (when they never have, I felt like they were and I bullied them because of I thought they were (which doesn't mean I wasn't bullied as a kid either)).  


I just want to know how I can not do this kind of thing to my friends anymore, that I do not have to be obsessed with them staying with me, that they have their own life and that they have a life outside of me. Halfway through typing this, I doubt that I can be helped and I don't know if anyone will know what to do. I've been getting more outwardly angry as well, which has never happened in a long time except when I was younger and when I talk to certain people but not it seems that I can't control this kind of thing anymore and I'm so scared. I thought I was getting better after I left the hospital, but now I am back to copying people, feeling distant and all this other kinds of stuff that I do not understand.  


I am sorry if this is a lot, and If it is off-topic I'll take it down but either than that, advice on how to avoid hurting them or to regulate my emotions would be amazing, although I have no idea if this is even related to BPD and I am sorry if it isn't.