heads up: this is going to be full of typos. Talking about these things makes me feel upset because I don't like talking about them at all, and I know this is going to end up messy.

I've tried betterhelp, several counselors, several therapists, and doctors too. I'm not made out of money either. I work a dead end job with no mobility. I have no friends or resources. I drove an old car that breaks a lot, and I keep having to repair it. I live with my parents. Rent in the area I live in is literally unaffordable for me, and I've tried getting roommates with no luck.

Medications never really helped me. I feel like it's me being stuck more than anything else, and it seems like I'm never going to get unstuck. 
I feel trapped. I couldn't go to college because I just couldn't "get" math. I failed multiple math classes and got zero questions right on the math section pf my ACT. I did fine on the other sections, but since math is a necessity in every degree it really doesn't matter.

I have no friends. I feel alone all the time. I can't stand my family, and living with my parents just makes me feel more alone.


I tried to get my own gas station to be a manager, and I messed it up. I got fired, and I ruined my chance. Another gas station said they wanted me, but they were taking advantage of me and only paid me 11 dollars an hour to be an assistant manager without actually training me to be a general manager, so I quit.

I tried to be a railcar loader, and that job made me so scared I had a very bad panic attack on the first day and I just couldn't do that kind of work where you're responsible for driving brand new cars and driving them into trains.

I work in a food processing plant. I am paid 15 an hour. My job does not give overtime. The supervisors tell me that I should get a raise, but nothing ever comes from it. I talk to the HR manager and even one of the owners and still nothing but crickets. I was supposed to get a 90 day evaluation, and I've been there for more than a year now.

It feels like I can't stop eating. I know I'm killing myself with junk food, but it seems like it's the only thing that numbs the sadness and stress anymore. My job exhausts me, and I hand out heavy totes of chicken to tables all day long and those totes weigh 25 through 30 pounds each. I average handing out 500-600 totes a day. The plant I work in is held at 35 degrees, and the cold makes me want to eat too.

I know I should be healthier and exercise more. My parents make me feel like I'm more of a teenager than an adult. My mom will literally say things like I'll just fail again any time I try a new diet. My parents are nosy too. Any time I try to ignore them or distance myself it only makes them want to bother me and intrude even more.

I used to be foolish and stupid enough to ever think I could make writing my job. Teachers and peers in high school actually seemed to believe I could really do it. Though, I'm an adult now. Anytime I talk about writing it's always met with infantilizing me and acting like I'm a fool for ever even seriously given the thought any credence whatsoever.

Truth is, I think I'm just an idiot who can't learn anything and I'm just screwed.

I rejected people who asked me out in school because I was loyal to my long distance girlfriend at the time (now ex), who guilt tripped me into an open relationship I never wanted and dumped me once ai drove her from pennsylvania to alabama to live with those other guys.

I feel jealous of my teenage self. I don't feel like I've ever been in a real relationship, and I threw away the only chances any people ever seemed interested in me on someone who only wanted to use me. I'm 25 but it feels like I might as well be a bitter old man at this point because nothing ever changes because I am useless.



I worked 30 days in a row on night shift in a gas station, had one day off, and had to work 14 more days in a row.
And the thing is, it feels like I have nothing to show for any of this and it's driving me up the wall.

I tried massage therapy classes, and massaging half naked people made me more uncomfortable than I thought it would. 



I don't even know what this post is. I don't really know where this is going or why I'm even writing it. I don't feel broken or suicidal. I don't feel like things can't better. 

It's more like I know they won't get better. Just looking at my job history and things never working out and just...being realistic. Even if I were good at writing (I'm not), being noticed and making money doing it are different things entirely. 

I guess I'm just saying it feels like life has kicked the crap out of me, and I'm really just tempted to throw in the towel because you know what? Giving myself false hope feels more painful than just not caring in the first place would.