Warning: Rant coming on. 

I received the diagnosis about three years ago, and it really fit like a glove (I'm 22 now). I remember my cousin got the diagnosis when she was 15, but got it re-diagnosed to bipolar disease when she was an adult, but while she still thought she had BPD she shared a video about what it felt like, and I could really relate, but didn't want to self-diagnose. The road from the diagnosis to help really wasn't long. I went through DBT-treatment, and I've been doing well for about a year or so. 


Lately I've been able to feel myself slipping up, but I don't want to make a big deal about it. All my friends are struggling, and my boyfriend (two years and counting - longest relationship ever!) doesn't deserve to deal with my shit. I'm pretty sure my family wouldn't be able to stand it one more time, since things really got ugly last time. I won't go into any specific detail, but I was far out there. Really far. 

Either way, so, even though I've been feeling myself slip up, I've pretty much been able to stabilize myself. Until yesterday, that is. Just as we were about to go to bed, my boyfriend pointed out that I can be a bit... yell-y. The conversation before went something like this: 

(It's 1:30 AM, and we're heading to bed)

Him: "I'm hungry. I'll go make myself some food." 

Me: " *Annoyed grunt* No, please don't. I have to get up early in the morning and get to uni, and you're a really slow eater. Either you sit down at your phone and get distracted and forget to eat, or you wander back and forth in the apartment and take a bite every ten minutes!" 

So that triggered a response. He's a really great guy, and thus he tried to be I guess.. diplomatic about it? Either way, he sat me down and explained that he'd been thinking about it for about three weeks and he felt I should do things in a more him-friendly way. The examples he had in mind was this incident I just mentioned, and another one that happened three weeks ago. When I asked him why he hadn't brought it up earlier he had a sort of "keep at distance and throw chocolate until safe to enter"-reaction. He wanted to wait until I was really cozy and happy and thus wouldn't have a strong reaction. 

This really, really, really freaked me out. We had a nice talk about it, no screaming or yelling or arguing, and we figured it out and even had the best sex of our lives afterwards, but I literally can't pull myself together. 

Now I'm stuck with the feeling that maybe I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was? Am I being irrational or was he being irrational? Am I really that pissy? Are people afraid to tell me? Am I aggressive? Or overdramatic? To a point where even my own boyfriend wants to disarm me before telling me when he feels something is wrong? At the end of our conversation he admitted he was faulty, but I can't help but feel I somehow manipulated him into it, even though I constantly stressed that I wasn't upset or mad, just confused (even though I was really upset, I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to feel like I was trying to manipulate him). 

So now I'm just sitting in this constant state of anxiety where he'll come home and dump me any second. I know it's completely irrational, especially with how the conversation in reality went so well, but now I just feel like this really, really heavy burden in his life. I don't even know what to do. I'm really, really freaking out. To a point where I'm seriously considering going back to treatment, but if I do it now or express in any way how much this fucked me up, he'll feel it was because of him. 

SOS, I guess? 