Hi everyone this is is my first post so I will try to tell my story as shortly as possible. I am 26/f and was diagnosed with major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and ocd about 5 years ago and dr said he suspected other diagnoses . I grew up in the country, fat ugly duck homeschooled ( not strictly at all hardly did work I had an older sister who went to public school but dropped out) so lots of playing by myself/pets. My parents other than working a lot were loving and I don’t remember ever really going without anything I wouldn’t say I was spoiled but I was very fortunate. I do remember clashing and my parents saying very hurtful things but I assume that’s something every family goes through at some point. Skip to teenage years I branched our a bit lost weight started getting more attractive, started partying a lot lots of drinking drugs sex and other stupid behavior. I started having sex at 16 with a man that was 12 years older than me (on and off) he let me live with him to get a job and get out on my own (very weird love hate relationship but we don’t speak anymore) I worked my first job for 3 years and remember getting stressed and even punching a wall and breaking my hand at one point. And getting smaller flare ups up sadness but I usually brushed it off because I would fill it with another man for the night or bottle of something. Alcohol was a problem at this point drinking daily even at work. Fast forward I got a very good stable job and I never remember being happier I had a new job new place and was on top of the world. I met my amazing husband in orientation and we have been together almost 5 years married for 8 months now. I loved my job and was great at it. Aside from some grouchy old ladies I loved my co workers and they loved me. At one point a new employee told me I was sunshine in human form. I started getting bullied by co workers everything from my weight to my breasts to the way I spoke, blamed for things I didn’t do, punished and put down in front of everyone for not doing someone else’s job. This was by multiple people but mainly my boss whom I was face to face with a lot. This caused me to break down and seek help so I started seeing a psychiatrist who put me on meds fmla you name it because the anxiety and panic got so bad I couldn’t work. I finally ended up blowing up on my boss and putting in my 2 weeks (this was after trying to talk and work everything out and even having an hr investigation) and got another job working grave shift doing home care. The depression got worse I gained a little over 100lbs and quit this last job twice due to getting overwhelmed. I’m currently unemployed and have given up since I just got hired and had a breakdown before making it to shift a couple weeks ago. I’ve lost 50 pounds and my meds are maxed out. I’m trying to work out a way to see a dr but I’m already up to my nose in bills and Insurance company is backed up. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but I’m too much of a coward to ever do anything I think it has to do with my Christian upbringing and my grandma always saying suicide  was “self murder” but anyways I cut myself, punch myself, pull my hair, grind my teeth in these fits they feel almost like panic attacks but instead of being scared it’s just immense despair and tensing up and crying and I have that feeling of I wish I wouldn’t wake up again. I think what’s mostly bothering me right now is seeing what it’s doing to my husband and my mom. They have not the slightest idea about mental health issues but have seen through the years more that it’s something I really can’t control and it’s causes me a lot of pain. I just feel so guilty that I’m putting them through this with me, it’s not their fault and any choices I’ve made to get here is both their fault they are loving and supportive maybe slightly enabling at times because they care about me but for the most part I’m just tired of being in pain and causing pain to the ones I love. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and to see it run off on the people who want to help me just crushes my heart. I feel like I didn’t this to myself and everyone by not sucking it up and staying at that job. I guess this is a mix of rant/ introduction/ asking for advice I don’t know. It might help to know if someone has felt something similar or if you. Have any coping skills I just know I don’t have friends or anyone to talk to other than my mom and husband who I feel like I already overwhelm so thank you in advance for your time and reply. Peace and love ✌🏻💚