long post i’m sorry i just need to talk and my therapist is out of town for weeks and i feel so alone

i’m really in a depressed rut rn. on sunday i had my first “episode” around my boyfriend in the nine months we’ve been dating (we’re long distance so it’s not like we see each other that often. he knows some abt my mental health problems but not the bpd). i was crying and screaming and ruined the whole weekend basically, he missed out on all this stuff we were doing cause he was so upset and had to go home and i just kept texting him all this ridiculous dramatic shit. this was triggered because he saw his ex at the event we were at, and i’ve always been really jealous of her/their relationship and felt like he never really got over her (i still kind of think this tbh). it’s like....it doesn’t matter that she was there i don’t think they even talked or whatever anyway......but it just brought up so many bad feelings and insecurities for me and i just broke. now any one of his/our friends who caught wind of it probably think i’m insane and that i just freaked out at him for like, being in her presence. 

we made up but i was really drunk so i don’t remember everything and can’t really look back on it for any reassurance. we are proceeding like everything is fine now it seems but i’m so embarrassed and ashamed and can’t shake that this is the beginning of the end. i’m already such an unloveable person - now that he knows i’m crazy and mean too he’s not gonna wanna be with me for much longer. i’ve never been able to feel like he loves me because i just hate myself so much andi don’t know how to get over this. 

i’m so depressed and have been basically forever. i don’t think i have any interests really. i don’t have any energy or focus. i’m such a shell of a person and that’s why i feel like i can never offer him anything like she or anyone else could. and i don’t know what he can see in me bc i have no personality. theres nothing there.

i don’t want to be a chore for him. i don’t want to be codependent and rely on him entirely to feel good about myself. but i don’t care about anything else especially at a time like now. carrying this hurts and i can’t talk to anybody about it who understands - they just think it’s pathetic that i’m so helpless and sad and reliant on a guy always.