I've been feeling the worst I've ever felt till now in the last year. I'm 18(M), turning 19 this year and everything seems pointless, every single bit of hope I had is gone. I've been in college for almost 2 years now, and I live with my mother against my will. My parents have been divorced since I was 4 and my mother is a drug and alcohol addict since I was born (also smokes cigarretes, I'm allergic to them and have asthma). Since the divorce, I always lived with my father, his way of parenting has always been, speak once, the second time is a beating. I really don't have any good childhood memory. Couldn't go play with my friends, couldn't play outside, I was always sick, always visiting doctors, and as my dad always told me, it was a pain in the ass to take care of me, why couldn't I be normal? I've been teached and raised by elders on my street and by my aunt and uncle when my dad didn't wanted to take care of me, so he used to pay people to watch over me so he could play World of Warcraft.
Since he divorced my step-mother (she wasn't the nicest person, throwing stuff at me, making me do all the chores and meals, aswell as give her breakfast in bed every day, otherwise I wouldn't be allowed to watch TV or read books, just stare at my room's white wall) when I was 15, he told me it was gonna be just the two of us, that he wanted to have a father-son time, I was happy, really happy for a 1 month period. Then he told me he had to move to another city for work, and told me he already spoke with my mother, that I would move in with her while he was away, I didn't wanted to, asked him to let me live my uncle and aunt, begged, but he said no, I wanted to make him proud, so I accepted. The place smells like beer and Malboro cigarretes the entire day, I deep cleaned it, not once, not twice, lots of times, the smell doesn't go away. I don't have my own room, I used to sleep on the living room, either on the couch, or the ground with a improvised bed made out of cardboard and a old mattres.
Since then, he got a girlfriend, he pays for all her expenses and pay for the house they live in, I already tried to get back to his house and his girlfriend made him kick me out. When I told my mother I wanted to go live with him, she kicked me out, so I had to say I was sorry to her, asked for pardon with tears in my eyes because of the humiliation I was feeling.
I have a girlfriend my own, been with her for about 3 and a half years now, I love her, really really love her, but I just don't have enough strenght to trll her how I am really feeling. All this is just too much for her, she already has her own traumas and problems with her parents, I don't feel like she deserves another burden.
I already tried therapy, psychologist and a psychiastrist, and never had the strenght to let it all out, so they all tried to treat me like it was just a anxiety disorder.
Promissed my girlfriend I would gain weight since last year I was around 55kg, (I'm 180 cm tall), and now I'm around 64kg, but losing weight again. 
Would be grateful to really enjoy a moment, instead of pretending to do so.
I can't go live on my own, my job doesn't pay enough and I'm affraid to be alone and hurt myself. My girlfriend is looking for another job so we can go live together, and I'm feeling like a dead weight holding her back. She has so much potential, and here I am, following her, holding her hand and dragging her back every step she males because I'm a cockroach, a parasite.
Every single morning is a fight with myself, why did I wake up? Why am I going to work? Why am I studying? Wtf is it gonna change? I'm going to die anyway just like the most succesful people on this planet, so why do I have to live instead of making room to someone better?

I wish I had enough strenght to look for help or at least end it all already.