I left my home country almost six months ago and it's in everyone's plans that I stay in Canada for the next 4 years at least. I wasn't convinced of coming in the first place, but since I was already depressed in my city, I thought there was nothing better to do either way. Now I feel very lonely. I've been losing friends like crazy and those who I still keep in touch with, feel very disconnected from me. I know I am the issue, I know I pushed them away when my depressive episodes got worse. I know almost all of the blame is on me. But I feel so damn lonely. I used to have such strong connections and passions but ever since this stupid illness took over me, I feel dead inside. I just want to be normal again, to have aspirations and dreams like everyone else. I want to have hope for something and to have a positive energy to keep my friends around. I sometimes feel so self-centred because I can't even focus on what my friends need anymore. It's always about how I don't know how to help, instead of just helping them. I was never the one who needed help, so why am I like this now? I know some years ago I could rely on my friends  because I only felt bad twice a month, but now I feel like I am suffocating by something new everyday and I feel like such an inconvenience for everyone. I wish I could just snap out of it and go back to my usual state. I wish I was still in my country, hanging out with my friends and going to university with them. But now it's impossible, I'm not going back anytime soon and I can't even make new friends in Canada. Everything is so overwhelming, I almost had a panic attack in the middle of a class. When will this madness be over? Nothing inspires me to write anymore. I feel so much unjustified pain while I also feel completely numb to everything. Meeting this new country hasn't been exciting at all. Going to all these beautiful places feels pointless. I don't even know why I can't be happy anywhere, no matter the country, no matter whom I have besides me, no matter how many things I have in my room. It feels like I always seem to tear apart everything good and it's so frustrating to feel trapped inside this dark room when I know there's so much light around me. But I can't, I simply can't enjoy it. I don't have anyone to enjoy it with. I don't have myself in the first place to be able to feel something. I am so tired of meeting my friends, my family, even my psychologist online and feeling like I have to act all happy because, why wouldn't I be happy here? Well, I don't know. I just hate everything apparently. I simply can't enjoy life anymore and it feels so isolating. I don't even feel human anymore. I feel like a stupid helpless bug that is meant to rot over time. I don't feel like I even have the permission to simply die because everyone has put so much effort in me. I am just meant to die slowly and painfully, while seeing how everyone else manages to keep their shit together. I'm so, so, so done.