Every time I feel myself coming out of an episode, I push myself to do the most I think I can do to make up for lost time. Then when I inevitably cannot accomplish what I set out to do it puts me right back into the head space of negative/depressed thinking. For example today I tried to go workout. I made a playlist I was excited to listen to, I even got to the gym and stepped foot on the floor but immediately knew I couldn’t do it. Driving home, I felt that angry and embarrassed tightness in my chest as well as what seemed like every ounce of cellulite on my body screaming at me. I always think I’m ready, that my energy is back, but it isn’t until that certain feeling of “No, you actually can’t do this right now,” punches me in my fat gut that I come to that realization. I have no idea how to read my body or mind anymore, but it’s understandable because most people don’t listen to those they hate. Some days I feel like I have a handle on this illness, but when bad days like this come along I realize I’m still fighting for my life. I don’t understand how to just do things anymore without the overwhelming fear, hate, and sadness. I’m tired of only being able to do the bare minimum because I know in the long run it’s going to be worse but I physically and mentally cannot bring myself to do the things, like working out.