I feel so absent on unlike a person a lot of times or I’m dissociating and even imaging myself as different people and feeling there emotions at times and rubs of me and I feel completely disconnected from everything. I feel strong apathy a lot and feel like my life isn’t even real anymore or that I’ve reached so much conclusions and gone down so much paths that seem to have headed me into a direction of drug use and alcoholism many times so I could feel “there” and there was no anxiety anymore and I could somewhat be there? I feel it sober too but it’s like I’ve been on stuff or mostly alone and in my own world for a lot of my life. I really do not understand a lot of people anymore and I try hard to keep everything mutual towards everyone in my life cause I do not feel any emotion but sometimes I reach one’s that are too strong and consume me mentally. Why am I even writing. I really never want to share my feeling anymore and feeling total apathy. I’d rather be doing nothing sometimes than doing things that produce the same results. These patterns can be manipulated but I do not feel that desire for life anymore. Too me, it seems sad what the future holds.there really is no point of this post. I hope others are coping ok with stuff here and sorry for by rambling, I’m really not as smart as people make me out to be and I don’t deserve a lot of praise or anything . This is all so boring and even using was boring and the same over and over. I’m sick of most people in my life, customers I deal with and this hatred towards myself and sometimes as shitty as it sounds, I feel bitter towards my parents for being so hard on me and making me feel not good enough my whole life. They are good people but I feel like a burden to them . They are wrapped up in their own lives and expected a lot more of me or for me to turn out different, that’s really it. I don’t belong here and have been a pest. I don’t care really but I write to fill my time will I do care it just doesn’t phase me much  hearing the same shit over and over. Good d why are you speaking to me so fucking loud for your bullshit mistakes fucking be quiet for once cunts.