I'm fed up with everything. Nothing horrible has even happened to me, yet all I still want to do is shoot myself. I tried once in 2016, I can damn well try again and make sure it doesn't fail this time.

Everything about myself and this world pisses me off. I'm frustrated with every variable of existence you can think of. The world is perpetual suffering, there's no way the good in this world makes up for the terror that lurks in this cesspool of a planet. I shouldn't have to elaborate here.

I have wasted so much time, doing nothing, going nowhere. Being a moron never doing anything even remotely productive. I sit here on the edge of trying to see if I can accomplish fucking anything whatsoever with drawing or music making, but in the end I can't give a shit. My willpower is crippled, my patience is decayed. None of it feels worth the struggle.

I could have been at some worthy point by now, I'm sure. But due to circumstances like how you're influenced by your surroundings while growing up, and how I'm a dumbass, I've made poor decisions and now I'm in a pit I'm unable to climb out of. Constantly tormented by envy, unending thoughts of this artist that seems to be every bit of me, just not retarded. Not incompetent. Someone my age who's accomplished everything I could only ever dream of reaching. I could've been at that level by now, but I'm not. There is not a sliver of exaggeration when I say this envy is the only fucking thing I can think about.

Shit grades in school. Don't know how to do anything noteworthy. Disappointing and underwhelming in every way you can imagine. Sheltered, moronic, skilless and autistic dipshit is all I've been and it'll never change until I'm a corpse. 

My dear readers, I can't afford therapy. I can't afford to move out. I don't have transportation. I don't have any desire to subsist. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is cowardice. I'm alone. 

My parents have told me that my feelings aren't worth shit, and that the concept of me hurting myself would go uncared for. Nothing even provoked them to say that last part, it was just brought up out of nowhere. I've never self harmed before.

Someone tell me suicide in my position is a good idea. I'm desperate to feel somewhat valid.