Tw: Abuse, suicide, homophobia 

And for me this was my mum... like mums are supposed to love their kids and want the best for them in life like just want them to be happy right? My mum wanted to to suffer it’s like all her anger out her past all went onto me from ages 3-11 years old. She had bpd as well as me but never told us about her diagnosis because she was against mental health problems like i showed signs of ocd at age 6 and she threatened someone already with hospital trauma that they’re gonna be thrown into a mental asylum and be there forever so i never got help for my compulsions at that age. 

Like some of the worst things she did was tell me she wishes i was never born, accuse me of doing things i never did like apparently telling her that i wanted her dead, made me starve myself as a punishment, tell me she’d abandon me if i ever came out as gay (which i am), compare me to her ex boyfriend who stabbed someone and was in jail, say she wanted other girls in my year 1 class as kids instead of me because they were prettier or better at something then me and above all this would say if i said anything to my dad, school or anyone else then she’d leave me and go back with her ex. 

She had a long term illness when i was 7-11 and i watched her die when i was 11 okay like for most 11 years olds that’d be heartbreaking but i feel like ur happened to me for the better. I would have ended up being kicked out or even killed if i came out as lesbian to her and i think i would have ended up with a bad ed cause of how she made me starve myself. 

i am an abuse and suicide survivor and even after that i went through 5 years of hell at school and now have to deal with bpd, ptsd and many other mental illnesses. I feel like for my whole life i’m gonna feel that rejection of my mum i’m 15 now and not even my dad knows about this no one does tbh except some mh workers and online friends. I was diagnosed a few months ago with bpd after a psychotic episode and learning it was hereditary btw that’s why i’m diagnosed young lmao. 

But anyway if anyone’s been through a similar thing to me i’m so sorry and i promise you can get through this. Fuck your abuser whether it was your parent, carer, partner, friend whoever. The woman who gave birth to me wasn’t rly a mum she was just a woman tbh i feel really guilty about my trauma like it was my fault or like it’s all my fault i feel bad for writing this right now but i just wanted to get it out of me.