hi everyone,

so i (18, f) have always been scared of cockroaches. spiders, moths, whatever- I don't love them obviously but I can deal with it, doesn't scare me too much. but everything about roaches is disgusting to me, i hate the sound of them flying, how they look; writing this and visualising how they look actually makes me shiver and feel so gross.

sometimes, when I'm out late at night, ill see one run across the street in front of me and I actually start crying because I'm terrified it'll go on my feet.

anyway;  currently, I have seen 2 roaches in my house, one last night on the balcony of my apartment, and just now, one on the kitchen floor. and I am terrified. as soon as I saw it I called my dad to kill it and then sat on a table so I wasn't anywhere near it. but unlucky for me, he didn't manage to kill it and It got away. so now, I'm still sitting on my table, scared and to make matters worse, I googled it and the first thing that comes up when you search 'if I see one cockroach are there more?', is 'Unfortunately, cockroaches are not loners. If you see one, there **are likely many more that you can't see'.** and so now, im shitting it. the fact that I know there's one running around and that there could potentially be hundreds in the cupboards or something. the thought makes me feel sick. i actually feel my whole body itching and shivering and like there's something crawling on my skin.   

I think im even more paranoid than usual because i saw this TikTok of a girl who said a cockroach got in her ear and crawled so deep that it was trying to fly and so it was hitting her eardrum and she had to go to hospital and they couldn't get it out so they drowned it INSIDE her ear and then she had to sleep with it. knowing that it was still in there. my biggest fear. 

update: i just managed to get up off the table and now im sitting in my room. my room is across from the kitchen so walking here i felt like i couldn't breathe for a second. now im sitting on my bed and i just know im going to be so scared trying to sleep tonight thinking about it crawling around. i have nightmares that ill wake up covered in them. 

i think i sound crazy but i know im not the only one who gets crippling anxiety and just fear from them. i don't know why.... i mean there are people like my dad, or some of my friends that don't actually get phased at all by them- maybe prefer them to spides. i don't understand it.

so i guess im asking thoughts? feelings? opinions? can you relate? do you know why i feel this way? is there anyway to get over it?