Everything that’s wrong with me is because of my past. The position I am in today is because of my past and that’s one thing no man can change. Sure, a very small percentage of people may be “strong” enough to overcome the odds, but it’s stupid to sit there and lie to yourself and say everything will be okay when it won’t be. It’s better to accept reality and do whatever you can to make sure you don’t die a loser and a failure. I have no college degree. I failed starting my own business. I have zero motivation to even attempt to do anything anymore. The friends I had either don’t communicate with me anymore or have passed me up in life and have no reason to continue talking to me. I have absolutely zero purpose here. You can say be more positive, fight your demons, but those are just words. Actually doing those things? That’s a completely different story. If it was just that easy to change the wiring of your brain and how it works then no one would be committing suicide, no one would be depressed. Yet people still do it everyday. The statistical probability of me ending up in a happy life, with a family to support and love, with a purpose to work for, are less than winning the lottery at this point. It’s time to man up and stop believing in unrealistic fantasies. After watching the recent events in Europe unfold, I realized I want to join the army, request deployment, and take out as many bad guys as I can before they get me. I can die knowing I sacrificed myself for a better life for my little brother and cousins. For everyone that’s still out there that didn’t fuck up their lives and still has a chance at being happy. I can know I wasn’t a burden to my family making them shelter me much longer than they’re supposed to. Maybe I’ll even become a hero, who knows.