Sometimes when I’m idealizing suicide, and having a really bad melt down, I say or think things like: “one day when I actually kill myself and actually follow through people around me will finally pay for how they’ve treated me”

I also think if I killed myself in my apartment no one would find me for at least a week. That’s how I feel with all my relationships with anyone. No one would seriously worry about me for at least a week. I’m so tired of how bad people treat me, from family, friends, acquaintances and people I don’t even barely know. I feel like I’m constantly targeted for people to act abusive towards me. It’s disproportionate. The amount of abuse and assault I experience from others just doesn’t seem NORMAL. 
From strangers SCREAMING at me in line at the grocery store over NOTHING, my neighbors messaging me disgusting things on the nextdoor app FOR NO REASON 100% unprovoked, to people I date abusing me for NO REASON. My family completely ostracizing me, my dad sexually abusing me, like sending me porn a FEW MONTHS AGO, sexually exposing himself to me 2 and half years ago. 

I genuinely DO NOTHING WRONG- in so many of these instances. I am just minding my fucking business. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of my life being constant FUCKING TORTURE. I’m not a bad person. I just don’t deserve this. 

Right when I seem to get in a better place with my trauma and healing from some abusive situation it’s like a million new abusive situations come up. Where I’m just minding my business and people are attacking me unprovoked. 

Then it pisses me off, the very few times in my life I’ve ever fought back or stood up for myself I’m made out to be “crazy, insane, violent, an abuser, etc” but none of these people who do any of this to me get that? 

I’m fucking sick of being mistreated by so many people around me like I can’t even avoid it. I’ve cut off so many family members and “friends”. I’ve broken up with so many partners, tried to escape so many situations.

I also go out of my way for people all the time and they turn around and treat me like shit for no reason. It’s not like I expect favors back. I just expect people to treat me with kindness, love and respect. Why would I continue helping people who actively abuse me? I shouldn’t. I’m so tired. I’m so fucking exhausted. 

Oh and if I did kill myself all these people would say “wow we didn’t see it coming mental health is so important” even though friends / family /partners are fully aware of how I feel. Then they would say how much they cared for me even though they treated me like literal dog shit while I was alive. It’s like I would have to die to even get people to PRETEND to care about me. And it’s not like this is a delusion all in my head. This is my real experience and it seems so unfair. 

I’m tired of barely getting any attention from anyone. I don’t care if this seems attention seeking? What the fuck is wrong with needing attention? Affection from others? NOTHING! The “attention seeking trope” is just a fucking cop out for people so they don’t have to treat us better or be decent to us. You’re SUPPOSED TO give your loved ones attention? Like what the fuck? And some of us don’t ever get attention. We are constantly abandoned by everyone, left alone by everyone or constantly harassed and get negative attention. Who wouldn’t become suicidal from that treatment? Who wouldn’t want positive attention and affection and love for a change? 

Im sick of no one loving me, giving me attention, being kind to me. I have very few people who do and even then it’s limited or I can’t be my real self around them.