Does someone ever get mad at you and realistically they'll get over it because it's really not a big deal but when they confront you or show that they're obviously upset you just completely freeze up? I completely disappear, I'll over apologize and I know from an outsider it seems like I'm trying to turn the situation around like 'feel bad you got mad' but it's not like that at all. I'm not running from the problem or from my responsibility of owning up to what I did, when I disappear like that that means the situation is blowing up in my head. It's expanding to twenty times the size as it really was.
It means I'm going to end up having S dissociative episode if I let myself. I hate myself for whatever I did, I'm punishing myself, trust me. I feel awful and I'm truly sorry. But because you can tell then it's like they can't say anything to you, they're not allowed to be mad because you'll just go off and hurt yourself mentally or physically (or both) over it. 
And then that thought blows up in your head because that's annoying and now you're annoying and worrying them, they won't want to tell you anything and you'll be thinking more into that you're doing everything wrong because they aren't telling you. They're scared of you. Then that thought blows up. 

And now here I am, deleted apps and not talking to anyone like how I spent yesterday and the day before making little to no contact with anyone. I don't know what to do, I can only imagine what they're thinking which is the worst because I hate myself so illmake it really bad. I'm going to end up with no one. 