I was doing relatively ok dealing with my quiet bpd as a 28 yo male. It's never easy, and therapy went real poorly but through self-given dbt work I maintained a balance.

The last time I was in a relationship was 4 years ago. We were together for 3 years, and she left me because of some crazy bpd shit I did basically threatening suicide. I'm past that, and I'll never be that person again but I admit that that person is still me. I'm just...a little wiser. I've met no one in the time since her, and I was ok with that because I was working on getting over it and integrating the experience into myself in a constructive way.

Cut to the past month, I decided maybe it's best that I start looking again. Seeing as how going out still isn't an option, I signed up for Tinder/Bumble. Before this, I had a pretty good self esteem. I thought I was handsome-ish, well dressed, fit, etc. I am some of those things (fit, dressed) but after a month of 'swiping' ive gotten 1 Match and like 2 total likes. I started to break down again, I've been irritable and angry and it's affecting every aspect of my life now. I can't think of anything other than the fact that maybe, I actually am ugly. And I just have a bloated self esteem. Maybe it's the fact that I don't have a high status job, or money. I don't know. I have 5-6 really good photos, some portrait shots from weddings, some of me dancing with friends, some rock climbing, hiking, a lot showing I was a social person precovid. I have a really awesome circle of friends. 

I'm thinking maybe I should just delete them all and give up completely. I can't be feeling like this right now though. I'm going to a party this weekend and my ex who I haven't seen in the 3 years since and I'll have panic attacks and a breakdown as soon as I see her if I can't get my head out of this.