Just want to preface this by saying that this is fucked up, and I know it. Read it if you want to.


TW: Self harm. Please dont proceed if you struggle with it.


I used to self harm in the traditional sense of the word. You know, cut my wrists and thighs. It was really a euphoric feeling, watching the blood pour out, the sting, but the pleasure at the same time. Feeling the tightness in your chest loosening with each cut. 


I decided to quit cutting, because I didnt want scars all over my body forever. And I succeeded. Haven’t cut myself in about 4 years now. I thought I had overcome self harm. But I dont think I actually have.


After I stopped cutting, I resorted to binge eating. I gained about 40 pounds - and as a teenager that really fucked me up. I loved the feeling of being bloated, and knowing it was hurting my body only made it better. The pain of binging was strangely satisying. At the time, I didn’t realise it was self harm, but looking back, it’s obvious. 


I stopped keeping my room tidy, started mildly rejecting personal hygiene (not to extreme levels, but still), started smoking cigarettes, drinking, watching porn, not taking care of my skin, not sleeping enough etc. etc.


You may say that these are typical symptoms of depression, and you’d probably be right. But at least part of the reason I started doing this, was because I knew it was hurting my body and soul. I knew having a dirty room was bad for me, so I did it. I knew smoking was terrible for me, so i started smoking. I knew watching porn made me feel like shit, so I kept watching it. I knew not keeping up with skincare was bad for me, so I stopped taking care of my skin. 


I got the same kind of fucked up pleasure from hurting myself like this. I liked looking in the mirror and seeing a sleep deprived, bloated, dirty teenager that reeked of smoke. I liked seeing my room as dirty as it was. I knew all of this shit was hurting me, and I liked it.


I didn’t realise all of this at the time, but I’ve been doing some reflection recently and realised that this is what I’ve been doing. I know I’m fucked in the head, and I am currently getting help, but I just wanted to share this, in case I could help any of you realise that you’re also doing this. 


If you made it this far, thanks for reading.