i feel numb. i feel like I'm not alive. I can't feel things, emotions, pain. why can't i feel them? I don't feel normal. I don't feel alive. my head is constantly throbbing, i feel like my organs might fall out. I don't feel pain, i just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. 

I'm a bad friend, sister, daughter, student. if i was normal, my friends wouldn't have to worry about loosing me to depression one day. if i was normal, my little sister won't have to be there when i have a severe mental breakdown and see me in my worst states. if i was normal, my mom wouldn't have to yell and scream at me for all the sh scars i have on my wrist because it affects the way how people see her. if i was normal, my teachers wouldn't have to worry why i put my head down on my table in class or always seem so out of place. if i was normal, i would've been loved. I don't feel okay or normal. i want to feel like i deserve to live but I don't even feel like I'm alive now. my room is so messy. i keep on wearing the same clothes. i keep on forgetting to shower when i don't go to school. during the weekends, if I'm not going out, I don't shower because I don't have the energy to push. 

is life really that worth living? sure we'll make memories but i can't seem to treasure them. i feel like a terrible person when my friend tells me that the memories we made was something special to them but I can't remember much of what happened. I'm so greatful I'm good enough with my words so that i can express myself with how I'm feeling but I don't feel like it's much.