I turned 30 a while ago, and recently, with increasing frequency, I've been realizing how little of my life is stable or happy. Don't get me wrong, I can pay my rent and bills and for the first time in a long time I actually sometimes like my job, and I'm grateful for those things. And my family and friends are very supportive and have said all they want for me is to be happy. The problem is I have no idea what that even looks like or might be anymore.

I hate where I live and I have nothing keeping me from moving to a new city/town. I like the people I've gotten to know and call friends while I've lived here, but I've never truly felt like I connected with any of them, if that makes any sense? But where else would I go? What would I do once I got there? Move back to where I went to college? Okay, sure, then what? I don't have any job prospects anywhere I go other than more of the same because that's all I've ever done. And even if I did move to places where I know I have other friends, they've already all moved on from me and wouldn't give a shit if I turned up in town. And I can't move back home again, I've already done that once, and that didn't help anything at all, if anything it made me an even lazier piece of shit than I already am.

I've never actively pursued any of the things I tell myself I "want to do" or "want to do for a living" because as I said I'm just a lazy piece of shit. I know what I enjoy doing (or at least what I tell myself I enjoy doing), but I'll never be good enough to do those things for a living even with practice, so why fucking bother?

I don't have any long-term goals because I never made any, and I never made any because on some level I never thought I'd live this long, and now that I'm here, I have no idea what to do.

I know my family is supportive of me in whatever I choose to pursue, but I still feel like I need to do something that would make them happy rather than do or pursue any of the things I tell myself I might want because I'd never be able to support myself doing them, and they already help me far more than I feel I deserve. And I know they mean well when they remind me things like "you know, when I was your age, you had already been born and I was on the path to such and such career" or "well, there's no time like the present to start thinking about career changes or locale changes, it only gets harder as you get older". Thanks, that only makes me feel even more like I've let everyone down because I'm already so far behind everyone else in the world.

I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to figure it out. And even if I did, what difference does it make? I'll always be a failure and a disappointment no matter what I do or where I go.