About a year ago I felt so shitty and started to feel numb. Nothing made me happy, everything felt alike and terrible, I felt like shit no matter the circumstances, I didn’t smile longer than a second, cried almost every day. I just felt terrible. I felt nothing but emptiness. It luckily didn’t last very long.

I thought I don’t feel numb anymore and that was the case for a few months. I don’t think I was feeling numb when I had a crush but I don’t have a crush anymore. 

A few days ago a classmate came up to me and asked “could it be that you always have that same look on your face?” and it got me thinking. Do I really always look the same? Do I never look sad or happy or angry? And then it kinda hit me. When was the last time I felt genuinely happy? Don’t remember. It was too long ago. I can cry. I definitely can feel sad. But it seems like I’m numb to feeling joy? Like I can feel glad or relief or some kind of happy but not the genuine,nice kind of happy. I hope you know what I mean. I don’t feel joy when someone tells me we’re gonna do something I really like even though I’m excited about it, instead I’m just like “nice”. 

Then there’s this other thing. Nothing feels real. I’ve been having that realisation more and more lately. I find myself thinking “It doesn’t feel real” , “Why doesn’t it feel real?” pretty often lately. Sometimes it’s really frustrating.

There’s nothing I’m excited about. There’s nothing that feels real. It seems like can only really feel anger and sadness, relief and neutral. No matter how many times I thought I was happy, I wasn’t, I was just feeling relieved and relaxed for once and it was rather a neutral-nice kinda of feeling and I was glad we were doing something I enjoy. But genuinely happy? No, not in quite a while. The kind where I nearly can’t stop smiling, laughing, having a good time for more than 20 mins? No

Have I been feeling a different kind of numb that I didn’t even know I was feeling? I don’t know.