Okay so I just got back to where I’ve been living from a visit back home. Where I live now i’m surrounded by people who i know care about me. Logically, i know that. But after going home and being with my mom and seeing all the (very gross) love she has for her boyfriend and how none of it can make it’s way to me i just feel really fucking stupid. Like if my own mom doesn’t have the capacity to love and care about me why would anyone else? (Side note my dad died a few years ago). So i’m just losing my shit and can’t recognize myself and i’m just ignoring everyone bc they can’t hurt me if I do this. I won’t have to be upset when they don’t actually care about me. I don’t have to hear they do and sit there and act like i believe it. But i’m so fucking alone. I also heard my mom on the phone saying how well i’m doing like do you not know me at all? bc if there’s one thing i know about myself it’s that i’m a fucking mess. And that’s probably the only thing i know for sure. I’m sorry this is a jumbled mess but i have very few coherent thoughts atm