I hate to add to the sadness anyone who might be reading this is going through - I guess I'm feeling extra lonely tonight and need to get this out. I don't know how to cope with this feeling, like I don't belong anywhere and am not wanted anywhere - this loneliness is the most painful thing I've known. And I have known it for so long - I have vivid memories as an elementary aged child, sitting on the playground at recess, alone, watching the other kids play, chat, laugh in their groups. I dreaded that time, and would pray for it to rain so I could stay inside and read, so I wouldn't have to sit on the curb at the side of the blacktop feeling awkward and alone.

All these years later, and I feel much the same. I spend my days and nights alone, disconnected from the world around me.

I am terrified to get close to anyone and become very anxious around people, and simultaneously starving for attention and affection, to feel like I belong and am wanted somewhere, to feel connected. I don't know how to tolerate the pain of this loneliness and disconnection - it hurts so badly.