We’ve only been officially together 5 months, but we’ve been talking nearly a year. I always think that I am doing okay but then my low self esteem and mental health issues kick in and I see what a mess I truly am.

I love my partner, and I want our relationship to work. But I am convinced that I am absolute shit and that he deserves better. I am convinced that I cannot be the healthy partner he deserves; that I cannot provide him with the happy healthy fulfilling relationship he deserves. I breakdown too much, I talk about myself negatively too much, I do not work a job that allows me to live independently, I do not have much money saved at all, I am awkward, I am anxious, I am ugly, I am selfish, I am a coward, I am just a bad person. 

I want to be with him, but I also feel obligated to “set him free” so that he can do better. But I do that by constantly telling him the above and asking him to leave me - rather than actually leaving him because I don’t actually want us to break up. 

But I told him to leave me again tonight. I told him that I would never stop telling him to leave me because I need to protect him and because he deserves better and I am shit. He told me he is devastated. That I am being unbelievably cruel. That I am not freeing him but rather that I am causing him to question if I ever want to be better and causing him to lose his faith in looking for the good in people ever. He told me I don’t want this relationship. He told me not to contact him for a few days while he struggles with all of this.

I hate myself. For hurting him. For pushing and pulling him. For being who I am. For maybe finally truly losing him. And I just want to curl into a ball and die. He has every right to leave and he should leave. I just hope he doesn’t. But I don’t know. I ruined things. I completely ruined them. And if by some miracle he doesn’t leave this time, I know he’ll have lost his faith in me and some love for me. And I know I will ruin things again. I want to throw up. I just want to be happy and healthy and to be able to be the the partner he deserves. But I am irredeemably broken. He deserves better. And I can’t believe I hurt him so much. And I hate myself for it. And I want to die. (I’m absolutely not going to Jill myself - I just wish I could cease to exist and erase him from my memory and me from his).