I remember as a freshman in high school going into the inpatient mental health facility and one of the first questions regarding my feelings was do you feel “hopeless, helpless or worthless?” I always answered with, yes, all three. I remember feeling  helpless and I remember feeling worthless, but hopelessness was something I thought I knew. Being a sophomore in college now, where I haven’t stepped foot on campus because I am doing online school until I’m forced to go in person or maybe I’ll have had enough and drop out by then, hopelessness is all too real. It’s so much worse than I could have ever imagined as a child. I’ve had chronic depression since I was like 10 years old, or at least that’s when it became enough of a burden for my family to get me “help.” But nothing has helped. I tend to think I’m at my lowest but it always goes lower. I used to call myself someone with high functioning depression, but lately all I can manage is going to work because my anxiety refuses to allow me to call off or what not. I can manage to shower maybe once or twice a week if anything, but everything else has become trivial. I fear that I’ll fail school and waste my money, which I don’t want to be in school anyway because I haven’t had a desire or aspiration for career or learning since I was in elementary school. I’m only in school because of my family. I do get that a lot of people with depression display their symptoms more with even less showering and hygiene and what not, I’m in no way trying to invalidate any one’s feelings. This has been my experience, and I also have a stress disorder and an anxiety disorder (accompanied with binge eating disorder but that’s not really related here).
Anyway. This is my first post on here, so I’m sorry if I’m doing this wrong, I just needed to put it in words. There’s so much more I wish I could explain, but nonetheless I’ll stop it here.