Hello. I needed a place to vent for a moment. I got banned from my city's Reddit community this morning. I got backed into a corner by a moderator who interfered in a conversation they had no business being part of, and continually pushed my buttons in public. It escalated to private messages with the other mods who pretty much laughed at me for having mental health issues. I ended up calling them out on the subreddit, which probably wasn't the smartest thing, and they banned me. 

Lately, I switched one of the many medication I'm on, for my bipolar 1, and I don't know if it's the certain medication, or maybe the constant coverage of the current world situations, but online, I have been overy outspoken. Not violent to individuals, but maybe a bit aggressive in a judgemental manner or very defensive in standing my ground and not giving away. But, then again, not all the time. Plenty of time, I'm quite acceptable of others opinions and can see another side to things if approached nicely. But the moment someone is slightly off putting, I get defensive. 

My bipolar symptoms first appeared after some traumatic PTSD situations in the military. A focus of that time and a trigger of my emotions is being backed in a corner and not being allowed to defend myself, verbally or physically. In the past, I tended to just shut down and ignore or remove myself from a situation, but increasingly over the last couple of months, online, I have been approaching confrontation head on for some reason. Whatever the outcome with the other party, even if just walked away from, it results in me having a tremendously poor quality day or two following, headaches, feeling extremely disappointed in myself for the perception of losing control of what I thought I had control over, my bipolar symptoms, and general anxiety for a while. So last night led to a night of insomnia till 5am, sleeping till 11am, missing the first half of work before coming in, and now I feel horrible about myself. Luckily, I am able to explain to work simply a night of insomnia, it's a understanding university system that is cool with me having something happen occasionally, our office is full of basket cases. 

So I don't know where I was going with all of this, I just needed to get this off my chest. I'll be getting in touch with my VA doctors, I have a psychiatrist, and might set up an appointment with the psychologist to do some sit and speak sessions. If anyone has some thoughts, that's cool. Thanks for coming to my long ass TED Talk.