I cut myself again today. I have nowhere to turn. It felt like a good recovery. But I guess that means I'm just crashing from a higher place. 

I am 7 months pregnant. In a very complicated and unhappy relationship. Or, atleast I was. I was told today that SO has been going on the plane that I'm just his baby mama and not his girlfriend. Because I don't act like one. 

Tbh; having bpd makes all of this so much harder. He's saying that it's all my fault because of the way i act. (My bpd.) 

Now. I don't want the baby anymore. And I had a bad feeling this would happen. It's not that I don't love my child. It's that I know its only going to hurt me more which concerns me on my ability to properly parent. I'm scared. 

I was laid off due to COVID-19. So, I'm not working. But. It wasnt like I had any help to begin with... It just makes me more stressed. 

Now, I'm laying in my bed, wondering why things are the way they are. Knowing that I'm stuck here. And I'm tired.  I relapsed. And I hate myself even more for it. Its just a cycle. Everytime I feel good about things, they never work out.. It just crashes harder.