I'm going to give a little bit of background on me and my FP and what's been going on over the past little while. About a month ago, my FP left me on read. I know... something so small yet so devastating to someone with BPD. Except this time, it wasn't as devastating as I was anticipating it to be. It hurt for sure, but once he had stopped responding, it was out of my hands. It sort of felt good to let go of trying to control how long a text conversation continued on or what have you.  


I took this opportunity to take a step back from our friendship. It wasn't like I was testing him or anything, I think part of me really intended not to continue on with this friendship now that I had a "way out" without totally destroying me. So, our chats remained silent for a couple weeks and it was, in all honesty, great. My symptoms die down a lot when I don't have an FP. There was no constant, crushing feeling in my chest, I was able to really reconnect with a lot of my other close friends, I was able to do the things I like doing without wondering what my FP was doing. I felt so at ease, and at that moment I was fine with seeming to lose my FP.

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And then he reached out to me just about 2 weeks into our silence. It was a little shocking, because part of me believed he'd never do that. Like a lot of people with BPD, I assume I care more about a relationship than the other person, but I guess in this instance it sort of felt like he cared too. But I wasn't ready to come back, I told him this and I went silent this time... for about another week or so, intending for it to be longer. Then, again, he reached out about a week after that. Okay, I get it, you care.

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I sound ungrateful, but I'm not. I'm glad he seems to care, but it's frustrating considering part of the reason I stopped talking to him was because it seemed like he didn't care. Anyways, that leaves us yet another week later (that's 4 weeks, sorry if the timeline is confusing), and after his second time reaching out, I felt obligated to talk to him. So, we started texting back and forth and I realized why I always got so anxious whenever I would text him. He can go a day or two without giving a response. It seems like nothing, but God is it infuriating. He's back in school now, so I don't expect the same volume of texts during the day, but I would like at least a couple after he gets home, I guess. And I get them some times, and then other nights it's nothing.

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In those moments, it feels like he doesn't care about me or have the time to send a few texts about me. But then there are days like Sundays, where we got to spend time together. And this past Sunday we spent I think 6 or 7 hours playing video games together... all day, for all intents and purposes. I remembered why I love spending time with him, it was the most genuine fun I've had in a month. And now it's Tuesday, and we've exchanged maybe 5 or 6 texts between each other since then. 

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Like the title says, I'm just confused. I thought the reason for him reaching out was because he wanted to talk and now we still don't do much talking outside of when we're on the phone together or whatever. Those moments are great, but I like to text too. He's said he's a bad texter before, I usually brush that off in people not being interested enough in someone to text them, but I guess maybe he is? I don't know, I guess this is sort of just a rant but any advice for how to not be so affected by this or whatever else would be appreciated as well! And sorry for the long, long post.