I feel like my depression is starting to consume me.

Hi, to whomever may be listening. I'm not really sure how to begin this post; I've never been great at verbally expressing my feelings, and already I feel the urge to quit and not waste my time on what seems like a futile endeavor. But this last year has been one of the most isolating, lonely, frustrating periods of my life, and I don't want to feel alone anymore. 

I feel like such a walking contradiction. I rarely understand how I feel about any given situation, to the point where my perception of the world around me feels fake, as if it's constantly changing before my eyes. Forget about larger political issues which I feel way too uneducated to discuss, I can barely wrap my head around the enigma that is myself. What do I enjoy? What are my aspirations? What kind of person do I want to be? I don't understand any of this. 

It's not like I can do anything outside of work anyway, and I'm only employed part-time! My Dad's always hounding me to take more hours and how crucial it is to have more money saved up than I currently have....but I just can't bring myself to do it?? I'm already exhausted, and seeing how hard my Dad works makes me feel even more lazy and miserable. I remember wanting to be a writer at one point, years ago, and how much I used to enjoy reading. I tell myself that work has destroyed my enthusiasm, but what if I'd be doing the same thing regardless of how many hours I put into my job? I'd love to take some time to figure myself out, but all I'd be doing is burning through my resources and probably getting nowhere closer to acceptance. I feel trapped. 

Then there's the issue of my sexuality. I'm asexual (or is it just my depression diminishing my libido??) and I once craved a relationship with a fellow asexual before my wish was granted and my heart was shattered when she learned that she wasn't asexual, but just wasn't attracted to me. Now I loath the thought of every letting myself be that vulnerable again even as my friends are all getting married and having kids, though I don't know if that's because I'm still so angry with my ex and at myself for not being the person they needed?? I can't see myself ever being in one again, yet I'm scared of being alone?? What do I want?? My friends have noticed that I have been increasingly irritable and angry lately, and I feel bad that this is something that they've noticed and have had to deal with. I've been isolating myself from them more and more as a result, and I can only see this getting worse. 

My life feels like it's in a tailspin. It feels like I'm gearing up for an inevitably crash that is only going to end with suicide. I just can't see another way at this point and don't know what to do. I'm sorry for such a long, rambling post. I've been holding this in for such a long time. I'm not really expecting anybody to answer this, but thank you to anyone who took the time to read.