For context, I messed up badly with an ex-friend of mine (we’ll call him soma). Why? Because I’ve suffered with panic attacks for quite some time now (it’s hereditary.) but recently I’ve taken some meds and I’m stable now. 

(For the sake of rules, I’m not promoting pills, take this with a grain of salt.) 

But I didn’t take it soon enough to save my relationship with my dearest friend. 
The reason why I don’t and won’t let go, was because..none of these issues were in MY control. Arguments, freak outs, mood swings, ect. So no one is to be blamed in the end. 

That’s what bothers me the most. How all of this could’ve been avoided if I gained help in the first place. 
Soma is a caring person, and I’m sure I can fix things, but he’s afraid of setting false hope for me, that it’ll be meaningless at the end, and he’ll have to witness me breakdown over and over again. 

I don’t want him to stand that stuff anymore. It hurts me the most when he has to witness it, more that it hurts going through those panic attacks. 

As for my general mental health? I’ve never felt any more in control than before taking meds. I’m in a good place now, I workout and watch what I eat, and will be seeking more therapy soon. 

I just really need all the help I can get. I care about people and love life too much to just ignore it.