i’ve been diagnosed mixed bipolar since i was 16, i’m 24 now. i used to take 600 mg of lithium and an assortment of around 3 others until i was 18, moved away, and generally fell off the deep end. i just started taking medication again because i had a month long span of incredible highs and disturbing lows i’m told and from what i was able to see through the mania’s.
i’m scared of the medication because when i was on these cocktails it’s the only time i wasn’t manic or depressed, i was level, but level meant i felt nothing it was hearing smelling and seeing the world in color and one day it was grey and i didnt feel anything. right now my manias are gone mostly, so i just have these depressions where i sink and i know theres no burst of energy where i feel like i’m on fire, just this deep dark feeling of dread. i know adding a stabilizer or another med will help, but i’m scared of feeling nothing again. i just want to relate to somebody about that fear of the grayness from everything being so extreme, ya know?