I just started depakote and I feel horrible. I woke up feeling heavy and exhausted, like how your limbs don't really feel like they're fully functioning after you take a bunch of sleeping pills. I fed all my animals then went back to sleep for another 3 hours. My mind isn't racing as badly as normal, but I still feel like I have to do something, I'm overwhelmed with all the stuff that I have to do, but I feel too physically tired to even move. Feels kinda like a mixed state. 

Yesterday I was not in a great place, I spent all day questioning my diagnosis (bipolar II). I've always felt like there was something seriously wrong about me, but I downplayed it even to myself. I weirdly feel like I haven't "earned" this diagnosis because other people haven't ever encouraged me to get help. I feel like my whole life I've been begging anyone to notice how bad I hurt and tell me that I need help, or make me go to the hospital, but everyone has just ignored it so I guess I've kind of learned to ignore it too. But on the other hand I am insanely good at masking my suicidal thoughts and various eating disorders. I always just thought I had minor depression. I mean it's not minor depression, I spent years wanting to kill myself and I still go through phases where I can't get out of bed and I'll get everything together to kill myself, sometimes going as far as swallowing the pills before making myself throw up. And I have done a lot of stupid, reckless, impulsive things. My psychiatrist really focused in on some of the sexual decisions I made when I was younger, but I really don't regret them or feel like they are that outside of the norm.  

Idk where I'm going with this, I just have a lot of thoughts and needed somewhere to share.