The only thing that feels real is when I'm in a flow state. I'm playing a game or guitar and I'm just totally engaged in it, but it's not so challenging I feel I'm hitting a wall. I want nothing more than to be in that state forever, I don't care about anything else. I don't understand how I'm meant to.

What is success even? Work now to work less later? That's not worth it. I can't even decide if I want to be here 5 years from now. All everyone's goals are just boil down to chasing some ephemeral sense of happiness, and what's the point of being happy? To ignore the questions festering in the back of your mind? To be more productive working towards a life that means nothing?

It's like the very foundation of what "meaning" is has just, completely broken down for me. None of the answers make sense, nothing feels real but that flow state. It's all just a chore between bouts of desperately trying to get back there, to where my brain, if only for a moment, can say "this makes sense, I like it here."

How am I supposed to go to work every day, go to class, plan for my future, whatever if that pursuit of happiness feels completely meaningless? How am I supposed to find meaning in it if I'm not even sure I believe in "meaning" in this context anymore? All I know is that I'm scared to die, and I'm not even sure why anymore.