Using a burner account. I don't know if anyone will see this, but thank you for reading if you do.

I have no plans to kill myself right now.

After struggling immensely daily with undiagnosed mental illness since I was 13, I finally allowed myself counseling, and with it, diagnoses. This happened only several months ago, I'm 18 now.

The diagnoses were Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. I'm being medicated, and while some of my anxiety has improved, the depression has severely worsened.

I just started college at a school I'm very happy to be at, in a major I enjoy very much, with my best friends from home, and new ones I love very much. I couldn't be more lucky.

I'd been doing well in school getting good grades and managing to fit in lots of time to explore, having a car on campus, spending a lot of time with friends driving around and enjoying the new city. My roommate has become one of my best friends, and we get along very well, basically do everything with each other, with the addition of my two best friends since middle school, who live nextdoor. Things are good.

As we began testing medication for my diagnoses, I was forewarned that the depression could worsen, and it did. This is okay, I'm a rational thinker. It's a process, we just need to test out new things until something works. This i understand. But it got worse.

I couldn't get out of bed anymore, started missing my classes. I never understood the trope of depression forcing people to spend all of their time in bed since, can't they just "get out of bed?" I get it now though.

I've stopped eating normally, lost all appetite, and only leave the room to eat, and only do so when my friends are able to get me to alongside them. I eat very little and I throw away the remainder. I've stopped attending class altogether. I've stopped doing school work. None of it feels real. It's hard to feel anything anymore.

The semester ends soon, I'll be returning home tomorrow. It's hard to fathom. I don't know what my grades will look like, I don't know what to do. I've lost all sense of consequence, nothing feels like it means anything or matters anymore. I lay in bed all day until someone gets me out to do something.

My hobbies have mostly grown boring. I play piano and guitar, write music and record songs. I would do this everyday, though I've stopped lately. Nothing worked. I've stopped working on personal projects for fun. Photography. Art. Nothing feels good anymore.

I don't drink or do drugs. It scares me. Everytime I drive I find myself romanticizing the concept of crashing the car and killing myself, though I don't have the confidence to go through with it. I also know my family and friends would be upset.

This is controlling my life and I don't know how to handle it or stop it. I've been asked if I want to live at a hospital to be treated full time. That sounds expensive. I'm terrified what might happen with school down the road, I want to be on track with my friends. I've nearly altogether stopped going to counseling recently because I can't bring myself to call the clinic to reschedule the appointments I've been missing.

My family and friends are supportive and want to help, I don't think there's anything anyone can do. I haven't opened up to anyone about just how bad this has gotten, though they know it's bad. Everything feels displaced and far away, each day feels the same, time feels indescribable.

I'm not currently at risk of injuring myself, I've been taking the medication prescribed to me, everything is okay. Just wanted to see what you folk might make of this. Thank you for reading if you did. I love you all.