I just couldn't bring myself to terminate. I couldn't. 

I love my baby so much, more than I've ever loved anything.

But what a terrible thing I've done to both of us, bringing them into this world as my child.

I kept telling both my personal and couple's therapists, but it felt like I was speaking in a language they couldn't understand: "If I have a child, I will no longer have the option to die. It'll destroy my last hope of escaping myself, of simply cutting myself away from this life without a scar. I might be stable now, but anyone who's dealt with long-term depression knows that it can be lurking just under the next shadow. **Why doesn't anyone understand how terrifying this is?**

Such a sin that I've committed, putting myself in the position where I have to be the world to someone when I'm not even enough for myself. 

I know the voice is lying. I know he's not too young to be hurt by my loss. I know that being too small to remember my face or my voice won't protect him from the wound. 

But my god, what have I done?