i started sobbing because i want to kill myself but theres so many people in my life who care about me that i cant. i want to die so badly and i cant cope with anything in my life but i think about how my sister would feel if i killed myself and i just lose it which means im trapped here miserable with no escape route. i need to escape feeling like this but i cant because i cant fucking die. and im like, mad at my family and friends for not letting me be as unloved as i deserve to be so i can just kill myself without hurting anyone. i have no idea how to reconcile these feelings of knowing that im not supposed to be alive and nothing will help me other than ceasing to exist and knowing that i cant do it. i cant do the one thing that will actually help. its hell. im living in hell.