I can't believe it. I clearly remember 10 years ago when I turned 20. At least at that time I had some hope of building a new life, now I feel out of time.

I still feel like that 19 year old about to turn 20, terrified of the world, knowing nothing about doing adult stuff. 


My mental state is *so* fragile these days, it feels as if I am balancing on a rope. I have to consciously put my head in a stable state, otherwise I cry or get angry or panic.



I had a mental list of things I wanted to do..But I accomplished nothing.



 I have never been to a music concert. Never went scuba diving. Never went to a club or a bar. Never been in a relationship. Still struggle with crippling social phobia (at least I started taking medication since I was 21, that was a life changer)






I wasted the prime of my years. It was spent mostly in my room, hiding away from the world, other times i was constantly nervous and couldn't fully enjoy the moment.  I went to college  but as always, due to social phobia, I couldn't even go to the library or study halls or hang around nice things on school campus. My anxiety was so severe, my hands were sweaty, and I was always in a hurry to go to the next lecture via the shortest route.




Though still I miss those times when it was snowing outside and quiet, I boot up my laptop and play minecraft..later when I got a PC, I got into more games. I probably spent most of my free time during the past decade gaming. It's pathetic..


One little thing called social phobia ruined my whole life. It is worse than cancer, as we have to suffer through without dying at some point.