on the one hand, things have been very slowly improving for me: i ordered a DBT workbook, finally plotted out a tabletop campaign I've been putting off, and I found two doctors who I will contact on monday to try to schedule an appointment for a psych evaluation. I feel like I should be happy, but I'm not. 

on the other hand, I'm so goddamn *isolated.* my family doesn't want to hang out with me, my friends won't reply to my messages, and I don't want strangers coming into my inbox trying to cheer me up. I just want FRIENDS. on top of that, I won't be let back into an irl group chat I'm in until I work out some complicated (i.e. resentful) feelings I had towards a friend for a really long time (because splitting, yaaaaayy) so I think I've spoken to 2 people of value this entire week (minus a tabletop session I did last night over discord, which I will admit was nice). that friend in question was really hurt when I finally opened up about these feelings because I'd been hiding them but the whole "I have trauma that makes it really hard to open up and makes me bottle shit up" thing doesn't seem to click with most people. 

literally I have had two sources of meaningful communication--reddit, where I post these venting posts, and video games, where the characters give me more emotional interaction than I get from actual people. 

I know people might read this and go, "so then why don't you message people?" the answer is: I *am*. I've sent messages to all my friends today, and I'm very lucky if I get a response 24 hrs later. i don't want to get suicidal again--it's been two weeks since I had a really bad episode, and I'm trying to keep it that way. it's not speaking these things out loud that helps me--it's being *heard*, having an actual meaningful support group. I don't have that right now; every time I try to talk to my family I'm asked why I don't have a job even though we live in one of the WORST states for covid-19 cases and i'm batshit terrified of getting sick. it's like everyone expects my life to just suddenly veer back on track and now i'll have all my shit together. 

the truth is that i'm scared--i'm scared of getting sick, i'm scared of moving forward, i'm scared of fucking up again because of ignoring my mental health issues or trying to just truck on through them. i want to get help yet i feel like the entire world is looking at me like i grew a second head. 

i just want to get better and to be heard.