This is more of just screaming into the void and letting it out so i can get it out of my head. Mostly looking for someone who dosnt mind talking to someone whos just sad all the damn time

Im so tired all the time now and honestly its getting bad again. Yesterday i caught myself thinking of the consequences of walking into traffic, how much it would hurt, who would it hurt, would people really care that much. Iv thought of crashing my car but it would have to be a pretty bad crash and i would never wanna hurt or kill someone else in the process. You can say that my family, my friends and my partner will care and i know that but that dosnt make the thoughts stop, it makes them worse because then im selfish for thinking them. How could i ever even think about taking my life when i have pepple who love me, how could i wonder who cares when i know that i have people, how could i be so selfish? My parents would blame themselves, my sister and brother would regret every fight and nasty word exchanged, my friends would cry terribly and my partner idek what would happen, hed be shattered. My pets wouldnt understand why i left and it all makes me feel like an aweful person for even having such thoughts when i have people who love me, who would grieve. I try to be honest then, when i go to the doctor and get told i need a therapist that i cant afford and none of them my insurance covers so then i start taking the pills, adhd, anxiety, sleep, depression. None of them fix it and i start getting bad again. My adhd meds make me wierd to people who have seen the real me, they make me stop eating and im not even on the right dose anymore. Dont get me wrong, they are the only ones that work but the side effects are hard on my body. The anxiety and depression meds dont help, i took them like she said too but nothing changed, im still always sad and still feel so anxious that i rip up my skin with my nails everytime anything goes wrong. And dont even get me started on the sleep meds. HELL ITS 4:40 AM! This past week iv gotten less then what feels like 24 hours of sleep and when i do sleep i get people who tell me im lazy for sleeping until 3pm, but i guess they dont know that i didnt even get to go to sleep until 10am because i spent all night having panic attacks that leave me shaking and wishing it would all just stop. Its not working anymore and its just getting bad again, its getting harder and harder to not just let myself believe what my head is telling me because if i believe the voice in my head then it would have me swallow a whole bottle of pills. Something that also scares me about being on meds, because last time i had a bad episode i took 5 of my high dose adhd pills because i was being annoying and dumb and if i take the pills they will fix me and i wont be annoying anymore. I didnt tell anyone and worked through it on my own, vomiting them up and telling my mom it must be the flu because if she knew it would break her. After that it was drinking and smoking to drown myself in something that quieted the voices and the thoughts that told me theyed be happier if i walked into traffic and then it begins again... the circle keeps just repeting and i cant ever seem to truely break it

Sorry for the long post iv just got to many thoughts and if i dont write them down then they get louder and louder until their screaming