(Read the rules, NOT looking for a diagnosis, maybe just to vent and hear stories from people in the sub)

Anyway, I’m not trying to self diagnose. But I’ve always wondered if there maybe was a spectrum of mood disorders because bipolar doesn’t really fit. I don’t get manic like the stuff I’ve read says. I get... like mania(lite). Maybe occasional dumb stuff RARELY, but nothing my other neurotypical friend wouldn’t do. But even then.. usually it has a trigger like me being excited or under the influence of caffeine or my adderall etc and it doesn’t last for days on end, but sporadically. And it’s not that what I do is out of the norm for neurotypical friends my age, (probably do less dumb stuff), but my emotions towards things.

I’ve read about mixed episodes and I feel like I have that maybe. But even so, not like full blown bipolar. I feel like I have trouble regulating my emotions where I’m approaching being a little crazy, but not there enough. I don’t cry. I don’t have full blown mania. When I’m depressed I’m just super fatigued. But I feel like the parts of my brain to regulate that are just immature. Like I didn’t develop right idk.

My nurse practitioner mentioned bipolar during intake and then backed off after saying it didn’t fit and honestly I agree. Mainly the symptoms are anxiety, splash of depression, bad adhd. 

But there’s some other stuff, too. Mainly sometimes not knowing how to read the room, and impulse control. I’m good at impulse control towards sex and money, drugs. But not toward emotional triggers. Normally, I internalize bad things and ruminate, cool. That’s a normal bad habit. But also I have explosive snappy anger if I have someone who is also anxious trigger my anxiety. I can’t slow down my brain and not snap back at someone.

sometimes the mania(lite) kicks in and I get talkative and hyper and don’t slow down enough to give and take in a convo. But that’s basically the extent. The snappy annoyance irritability happens on or off adderall. I’ve been off a proper dose of lexapro a few days and when I was on it I did notice that I slow down enough to sometimes take a breath and not snap. (Back on now)

The best way I can describe it is my brain like short circuits and fizzles out. Like, I can snap at someone who annoys me without even thinking and then try to calm down. Sometimes I’m arrogant and in reality being dumb and can’t read the room, like perception is kind of cloudy around regulating my own and reading the emotions of others. But I’m coming out of quarantine depression at a high stress job that’s not making enough and now it’s even worse. I don’t want to talk to people because I can’t remember how.

Sometimes I would over share and sometimes I would snap, which was the worst of it but manageable. I used to be good for the most part at being social. Now it’s like, my depression oozes out in word vomit where I try to be upbeat and positive and only depressing things come out, and then I have this out of body experience where think “wtf” alongside the other person. I also sometimes try to talk slowly to think about what I’m saying and have a natural conversation and then I’m speaking too slowly. My brain can’t manage a natural conversation. But I still have the upbeat convos too, but the good ones are getting too scarce.

I just feel like maybe it’s more than just depression and adhd and I’m working up the courage to talk to my prescriber even if symptoms of the depression go away with this lexapro increase. She asked questions about abuse during intake and it was kind of like an AHA! Moment. I didn’t know it was abuse bc it wasn’t the kind that regular people talk about. But looking back now as an adult this quarantine after examining my symptoms and my earliest memories I just really think my family fucked up my brain development so badly, and I just wanna be well enough to where I can have relationships with friends and family without feeling like my brain a faulty toaster. I feel I should’ve had a big beautiful brain but my cheaper by the dozen family gave me such an unstable home that I have a potato in my head and that’s why the diagnosis isn’t quite right. Idk. Just working up the courage to tell my prescriber and get a referral to the right therapist whoever that might be.

Share your mental illness experience plz I guess I’d feel comfortable to see if anyone feels the same way