Hi guys,

I recently started a new job a month ago after leaving my old job of two years. I am proud of myself for getting the courage to change pace and expectation of my job role as I am held at a higher standard now. I am having the hardest time with getting to be less awkward around the people I work with now. I find myself standing around while others are in huddles talking. I get it, Im the new person.but damn I feel like no one cares to carry on conversations or start them with me, when I am very clear to ask everyone how they are and such. I feel shitty because they are all gorgeous and I feel like I am always in their way because I bigger. I work as a server in a fine dining restaurant. Anyways I was promised 4 nights a week from my manager, and he got promoted before he set my schedule, so a new manager comes in and can only give me 2 shifts a week with a 3rd every other week. I left my other job with promise of having at least 4 shifts. I have taken a big fall in income, and want to be direct and have him give me more shifts. But at the same time, the other manager set an expectation that this new one cant fulfill and its not his fault, he cant take shifts away from others to accommodate me. Every week I get a text to cover a shift, but I cant rely on that it will happen each week and I might waste this summer just barely getting by. Should i talk to my manger and demand more shifts? 

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I know its the bpd in me but I was about to talk to him last night and make a mistake that he had to fix ( I gave a table of $90 wine instead of a $40 bottle that they meant to order). He was pretty unimpressed by me, which sucks because I have upped my whole standard while starting this new job to be upbeat and attentive. I know It was only one mistake, but I feel like I cant ask him anymore to give me more shifts.  I guess I need to just wait and see what happens. It just sucks because i want to save money and barely have been making $300 a week to pay for me and my living, when I was used to making $600 at least at my old job. I would never have left that job if i knew what i'd be making now. My new job has higher wages, but I work half the time of my old job so Its not worth the cut of time. The servers at my current job have at least 4 shifts and pull in $1200 a week AT LEAST. I feel like a filler employee at the will of her employer. 

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BPD consumes my life. But serving has learned for me to at least hide my shit and be happy to make money. It's crazy how we have to hide our emotions like we do. People without BPD have no idea how hard it is. And how someone looks at you a way and doesnt mean anything by it, but we could think about it for weeks. Like at a festival I was at I ran into an old friend and as I approached a girl next to her who I know from school put a gun sign up to her head like a kill me now as I came up to them. It made me feel horrible. It was all I could think about for a few weeks. It sucks how much my BPD owns me. When my friends don't text me back but are posting on instagram. It hurts like unreal. I feel like I only have my boyfriend to count on. Everyone else has their own intentions and does not care to look out for me and my feelings. Im 23 and the world around me is changing everyone is busy now and doesn't stop to think of me often, which sucks because its all I can think about, is anyone who made me happy and how I want them to know how special they are to me, but I do not have anyone other than my boyfriend who can be dependable, want to hang out often, and is fair with money. (I end up paying for peoples shit because they will only come out if I get them a drink because they are saving money, or broke at the moment.) Im learning not to do that. 

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Why is it so hard for me to make friends and be cool with my coworkers? Is it because I over think everything and its making me crumble. I come off as awkward and say weird shit because I smoked too much weed when I was younger.

Just after I learned to be a good friend from DBT skills it seems im too robotic and kind now that people dont like it. Its like Im just too nice.

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AHHH &gt;:( 

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Sorry for the random high thoughts. I'm just trying to get everything off my brain so I can study for school.