I’m stuck in loop of traumatic thinking. I normally think about suicide at least once a day, but it’s constant right now, it doesn’t leave my mind for more than about 10 minutes. I’m just constantly imagining killing myself in brutal, vivid detail. For instance, one of the thoughts that keeps popping up is that I want to shoot myself in the head and it’s like I can *feel* the cold steel of a gun against my head or on the roof of my mouth and my finger squeezing the trigger, even what it would feel like when the bullet pierces my skull. And that just one scenario. In others I slit my throat or my wrists or a whole myriad of other things.

I can’t escape thinking about it and I feel like actually doing it would be less traumatic than the thoughts I’m having. I don’t want to fucking be here right now, I don’t know why I am, I guess I’m just too weak to do it right now. I wish I had a gun. I hate being alive, I don’t want to live. I just don’t have a reliable enough way to kill myself.