  

I’m not very used to posting on reddit, and I have no idea if this is the right place to talk about this, so I apologize if I made any mistakes. Also, so so sorry for the text wall. 

For some context, I am a bisexual, and due to the things discussed in this post, I have also been identifying as an asexual.

So, my entire life I’ve dealt with extremely bad anxiety, but it’s been getting progressively worse throughout the years. The one area that it is particularly overwhelming is when it comes to dating and relationships. I am usually fine in the talking stage, but the minute serious romantic feelings or physical affection comes into play, I shut down. A few years ago my friend was interested in me, and I thought that I shared these affections. We decided to give dating a go, which was both our first time being in a relationship. The first time I experienced physical affection was during that relationship, in which people kept pressuring us to hold hands. He seemed extremely happy to hold hands, but when he grabbed my hand, I literally felt nauseated to the point that I instantly pulled my hand away. I don’t think it was the fact that we were pressured into holding hands that I felt uncomfortable. It was the simple fact that my hand was being held. It felt disgusting to me, and for some reason it genuinely scared me. Needless to say, I got uncomfortable to the point where I broke things off a few days later. A while later, he asked me to homecoming. I once again thought that I was interested in him, and agreed to go with him. (I am aware that this was probably a stupid decision, but I was determined to try to make things work.) While we were at the dance, he put his hand on my shoulder, and it sent me into such a sever panic attack that I had to leave immediately. I didn’t try to from a relationship with him again after that. 

For some context, he didn’t make me uncomfortable as a person, nor did he disrespect my boundaries. I trusted him entirely and he was and still is an extremely close friend. During this time, whenever I got uncomfortable, he pulled back and respected my boundaries. I don’t think it was him that made me uncomfortable, it was the idea of dating and receiving affection. To be honest I’m not sure if I genuinely liked him, or was simply happy that he liked me. I genuinely have a very difficult time in deciphering if I am experiencing aesthetic attraction or romantic attraction, and I’m not even sure I have even experienced actual romantic attraction. Anyways, today one of my friends asked me out to prom, and I had the same reaction as I did in the past. I started shaking, crying, and hyperventilating. All I can describe it as is hard, cold dread. I experienced genuine fear simply because I was asked out to prom. 

It just doesn’t make sense to me. From what I’ve read online, you would think that these were trauma responses, but I can’t think of any reason why I would have such reactions. I have no memory of any traumatic experiences, and the relationships that I grew up around were relatively normal. None of my friends experience these problems, so they can’t offer advice, and adults always tell me that getting “butterflies” around guys is normal, and that I’ll find the right guy one day. I’ve never really had a non-platonic experience with a girl, so I’m not sure if I would end up having the same reaction. Maybe I'm just a lesbian who keeps dating guys and regretting it, I honestly don't know. I know it probably doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but these experiences have honestly been quite frightening to me. I just feel so alone in this, so I wanted to see if anyone else shares similar experiences.