I usually stay home every 4th of July because I hate going to parties since I just end up feeling weird and self conscious and i retreat further into myself until I feel like I can't talk because too much time has passed and it would be weird to just start talking.

I've been dating this girl for a few months and yesterday I went out with her and her friends that I was meeting for the first time. The social anxiety thing described above happened and as the night went on i felt more and more uncomfortable  but managed to fake seeming normal. Everyone was also smoking the entire time and I didn't partake because I knew it would just make me be in an even worse headspace,  but that made be feel even more isolated from the group.

There was one comment made about me being "sweet and shy" which further triggered me obsessively judging myself and how I am being perceived,  but I did a really good job hiding it I guess because at the end of the night my girlfriend said she had such a good time with me and thanked me for coming with her. 

Today I feel SO drained and like I am on the verge of crying constantly because I am just replaying how I must come off to other people as a shy quiet boring person and I'm just feeling really mad at myself for not being able to be easy going and fun. I never have anything to contribute to conversations because I get nervous, and it seemed like every time I tried to contribute a small side comment to appear social it was not acknowledged, which made me feel like...why am I even trying. 

I'm also reflecting on how I felt jealous of the loud personalities of her friends and how much fun they were having together, yet at the same time their loudness and constant screaming was also was really irritating to me.

 I'm 30 yrs old and sick of feeling bad about myself all the time so can someone please help me reframe my thinking..... I want to believe that last night was a success because I faced my fears and I also allowed my girlfriend to have a fun time, and nothing severely embarrassing happened to me, but at the same time I just feel so bad about just bring ultra  quiet and awkward and standoffish