I'm wondering what this is and if its a bpd thing and if anyone can relate. 

I would describe it as always being on the edge, nervous and fearful. I remember feeling colder very easily than most people and my physical health was fine. I would go to every social event even though I didn't fit in. I think the main reason I was always wanting to be around people is because I dreaded being alone. It scared me, made the sadness and emptiness even worse. 

Its not that I was social and enjoyed being there it was more to lessen the emptiness. I also had trouble falling asleep. It would take me a minimum of two hours to fall asleep once I've been to bed no matter how tired I was. I had trouble concentrating in school. I simply can't focus idk why. I just felt hyper all the time. Waiting for something to happen but the feeling was mixed with fear. 

The worst thing in the world was being alone for me. But I still felt weird and misunderstood,abd fearful but I was distracting myself from the horrible empty feeling. Those events and things I did weren't me. I don't even know what's me. I was up for anything not because I'm adventurous or social but because I want to distract myself from those chronic negative feelings. I had such an abnormal fear of abandonment, of people who weren't even close to me. I remember a classmate said she might move for good and I felt horrible. I even cried I think. I wasn't even close to her. 

Constantly in a state of panic. I managed to get used to it. I looked fine and calm but I was constantly nervous for no reason! This is the world I knew. Feeling lost and sensitive, +the other bpd traits. Every second of my life I felt in a somewhat dreamlike state (very mild derealization?) . I remember wondering if there's more to this. More than feeling unreal and scared and seeking validation from others. I noticed I became more quiet and observant. I was so tired of bpd. I didn't know it had a name but Google helped me one day. 

I sank into depression and became  isolated . Slowly, I noticed a sense of self forming and it was a nice feeling. I still had mild generalized anxiety and social anxiety and BPD traits but it lessened. It's like another dimension, the chronic emptiness was the main thing that left. So i think there's a link to the sense of self /identity with that. Anyways, I  can't isolate myself for good and the traits are intensifying.