Hi, I’m new to this subreddit, and this is my first post on this account as well. I never thought about writing about what is happening to me but here I am. Long story short, I’ve been diagnosed with very severe depression, severe anxiety disorder, BPD and possibly ADHD for 3 years. I’m not an adult yet, but I overthink too much to be a teenager. 

I struggled with family trauma, and a complex toxic family setting. We’re Asians, but it’s not the “tiger mom/dad” trope. It’s just a lot of bloodline expectations, shoutings, beatings, distance mixed in with really caring/happy moments. We were having a hard time in my childhood, but now it seemed all better. No one yells at me anymore. However, I still cannot move on from all the things that happened, and I blame myself for clinging onto the past to make myself look pitiful.

I strived for academics values, because I thought I could be successful and finally, be loved. Yet the more I earn, the more I realise it isn’t helping. I never had friends that could stick for long, they always have to deal with something or just don’t feel like hanging out together anymore. I have severe abandonment issues. After I passed the exam for an elite school, I just feel even worse because I don’t have any goals later on. Plus, the peer pressure really ruined me to the point I just don’t learn and try to attend classes anymore. I believed no matter what I do, I’m just not good enough. 

These days haven’t been kind to me. Nobody really understands how it is to have mental illness here, and I feel like a burden to my family. All the pills are torturous, I spent 1 year taking Zoloft from a doctor who shouldn’t even diagnose me and I had to go to another one. I feel my body melting, with the innate health conditions are all coming back. I am not strong enough to do regular things anymore. I don’t dare to say to anyone that I’ve been feeling too terrible, because it will be my fault for not looking out for myself. But I did. It’s just not enough. I’m not even good enough for my own passion.

I’ve had various sui/cide attempts and they have been coming back. I just feel like, I will leave at any moment now, because I don’t deserve to be alive. Not anymore.