Okay. Ever since I was about 15 I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, bipolar disorder, depression and severe anxiety. I want to start this off with letting you know that. It’s been a rough life dealing with it for sure. But I need some advice on a situation in which I’m not sure if I’m being rational or not. 

In 2019 I started at my job and eventually after a few months there I became close friends with this guy who had just gotten out of rehab. We would flirt for a couple months and he’d call me everything and we’d joke about sexual things but he could not have sex yet because once you start the AA program you promise to not have sex until your “12 steps” are up. Which was cool with me. I liked him. We worked together so that was also a factor. I was hitting on him hardcore though. On March 1st of 2020, we finally slept together. After that night, we decided we were super attracted to each other and we’d keep it going as a FWB type situation as a secret because we worked together etc. 

Fast forward to October 2020. I find out I’m pregnant, he’s happy about it and we label ourselves as exclusive. In December he buys me an engagement ring and we are supposed to get married in February and then raise a baby together. Life seemed great. 

I’m crazy. Last weekend I went through his phone. Ever since we got together he told me I was the first girl he hooked up with after he finished his 12 steps and I always felt like it wasn’t true. On his phone, I found messages from literally a couple weeks before me and him hooked up of him texting his friends pictures of my “friend” that started working with us in January that he had finally finished his steps and “got a piece of ass”. I was devastated. He’s been lying to me this entire time. She had a boyfriend and he says they only slept together a few times before he finally hooked up with me but I feel so lost. He said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me and I shouldn’t have went through his phone and me and him weren’t even exclusive until a few months ago so I’m not sure if I should call the wedding off because of this or not. He was calling me telling me he didn’t want to sleep with me because we worked together while he was sneaking over to her house. I don’t know what to do. 

He’s amazing now in every way possible. I really do love him and if this is just my mental illness exaggerating something that he had every right to do I want to work on it. I just want to know what someone else in my situation would do. She’s so much prettier than me and I can see why he’d pick her over me. And I was actively hitting on him while I feel like it took her no effort to get him to sleep with her. Although I don’t know the entire story. I’m so lost. I feel like I was just a second choice. He says there’s no way I could be second choice if he’s marrying me and says I’m the greatest thing ever but I feel so hurt over the whole thing.

tl;dr my now fiancé has been lying to me about me being the fist girl he slept with out of rehab. I was trying to hook up with him for a while but he hooked up with someone else before me and then went on to me