Hi everyone. I hope this post is OK here. I don't have anywhere i can really vent at...

I'm 26F. I met my paternal family when I was 17. This included my father,  grandmother, brother, step mother and step siblings.  My father was in prison when I was born, and he claims he tried to be in my life but my mom wouldn't let him, my mom claims he never reached out. 

At 18, during my first pregnancy, I lived with my father for a short time (he took me in to get me out of an abusive relationship) before moving back with my mom (at my father's request). Ever since the day he told me to put my son up for adoption or move back in with my mom, he hasn't said much of anything to me.  I always tried reaching out to him, tried to be a part of his life at every turn. But eventually he blocked me. On everything. 

I'm 26 now, married, living on the other side of the country, about to graduate college and have my second child, and I've been hurting so much because I feel like my father doesn't want me. I'm autistic, and for me,  part of being autistic is being unable to let go of hurt easily. I can forgive someone, but the hurt is still very much there abs it doesn't go away. I look in the mirror, I see my father. Fathers day or his birthday comes around, I get so upset because I can't help but think of him. My own birthday comes, and I feel compelled to listen to the song "Just Another Birthday" by Casting Crowns. 

Today is Father's day, and I posted something on my Facebook about being unwanted by your father. It's been 7 years since he and i have spoken, and he ignores all of my attempts to reach out. How else am i supposed to feel? My so called "grandmother", the only person I felt cared about me on my paternal side, got on and started defending him. She told me that none of them ever felt like I was family, that I'm a freeloader and a freak. This is a woman who doesn't know me very well, but I always felt like I could go to her to vent. Idk if it's my pregnancy hormones,  but being told all of that by my own grandmother hurts so much.  She used to tell me that him ignoring me was wrong and that she was disappointed in his treatment of me. And now, that's changed to freeloader and freak. I've been up most of the night silently crying because I'm hurting and I don't know what to do....