Tw for abuse, nad a few other things I guess. 

I was really wondering,if my family abused me but could never quite settle. Now that ive actually gone back and written it all out I think I have been abused and I'm possibly suffering from PTSD from it. I dissociate a lot lately, my appatite is low, I'm obsessive, paranoid, dizzy, and depressed off the top of my head. 

Honestly just communicating back and forth and also writing,this down has been nice. While a little blunt I think I'm just looking for validation.



Most of my memories are hazy. Ive found lately thats how it is with almost everything I try and remember. There will be the occasional clear memory mixed in with complete fuzz. Usually those are the memories I have recalled over an over again. I'm going to try and remember as much as I can. This Will likely be put or order but I'm going to try and avoid that.

I have a distinct memory of my mother telling me no one will like me if I have sideburns. At the time I had very thick sideburns due to a medical condition I have. I used to love them and the way they looked when I would look in the mirror. I still remember when I finally broke down and she took me to have them waxed off. My self image degraded pretty heavily after that. She would tell me that even if people told me they liked them they were just lying to me and secretly didn't. 

I have a memory of developing ocd as a child and washing my hands until they would crack and bleed. I think my parents ignored this. I know that they would get angry with me for washing my hands over and over again right before leaving the house. I remember one day drawing over my entire hands with Sharpe to try and prove just how deep the cracks went. 

I have memories of going to my mother for help and every one of those times developing into a fight where we both hurt each other. That developed into them not wanting to be there for me when I was upset. If I remember correctly I often felt like my mom was putting the blame of the situation on my shoulders under every circumstance when I just needed someone to be on my side.

I have a memory of long panic attack I had and begging my parents for help and them refusing saying they dont have time for me, and that I'll just get into a fight again. I sat for two hours in my room panicking in silence. I had decided that day to break up with someone and felt so worried about hurting their feelings it took hours to get over.

I have a memory of getting hit so hard in the face with a ball I couldnt chew for weeks. I hid this from everyone and I still have serious jaw issues. It hurts right now.

I remember wearing huge radio earmuffs with an antenna to ride to school on the bus. Kids would slap at the antenna until one day it broke. Those earmuffs were a huge lifeline for me as I later realized I have a sensory processing,disorder.

I remember kids would occasionally slap the back or side ,of my head at pep rallies.

I believe someone one came very close to sexually assaulting me in a dark hallway at bible study but I was too naive to realize it until much later. 

I have memories of feeling,like my dad thought of me sexually even though I know,if he did he didnt like his thoughts.

I have memories of coming out to my mom and her for months verbally abusing me, telling me I wouldnt even be able to get a job at mcdonals if I was trans.

I have memories of my grandparents intentionally misgendering me

I have memories of always slowly drifting away from friends.

I have memories of feeling so scared I would kill myself that I would throw blades away from myself as far as I could, minutes later pretending like nothing was wrong.

I have memories of having so many anxiety attacks that I began trying,to punch and slap myself until it would go away,

I have memories of teachers treating me badly because I struggled to hear them in classrooms, asking them time and time again to repeat themselves.

I have memories of getting sick but since my tempreture was so low regularly my fevers never registered as fevers (I used to be 96 degrees F normally so when,I'd go to the nurse with a 99 temp they always thought it was normal)

I have memories of developing pure ocd. Even though I was a kid I began to fear I was attracted to children. I was too scared it was true at the time I never saught help.

I have memories of begging my parents for forgiveness over very small things like dropping a small scrap of paper. They werent mad and didnt care but I obsessed over it for hours. (This was expecially bad when I was very young)

I remember not sleeping for 3 straight days because I felt too distressed about whether or not,I was trans.  I remember my parents not long after getting me tested for bipolar saying it was possibly a mental illness causing all of it.

I remember the doctor who said I was bipolar giving me advice on how I should go about my sex life telling,me not to be promiscuous. 

I remember getting a sex toy and my mom calling me a sex freak.

I remember thinking I had found a video of someone getting raped and going to my parents and getting blamed for watching porn, them basically saying it was my fault.

I remember getting caught jerking,off and my parents both saying I was supporting abuse and human trafficking. 

I remember my first night of college feeling so lost that I was physically sick having a panic attack for most of the night.

I remember an intense depression making it almost impossible to do anything. It took me almost 6 months to check my emails regularly. 

I remember putting huge amounts of effort into keeping a plant that meant a lot to me alive and then mourning said plant for months because it was one of the most important things in my life and it felt like my ability to be successful had just died. 

I remember starting to hallucinate spirits who were there to guard me. One at one point getting killed gorily causing me to become guarded heavily over the others.

I remember "falling in love" with a Man in his 30's. Wishing we could be together while he led me on.

I remember getting into an abusive relationship. Where I basically became their caretaker. They wouldn't listen when I said to stop touching me in places that made me uncomfortable. They gaslit me semi regularly and not long after they broke up with me I found put that they had falsely accused me of sexual assault and had spread rumors I was a pedophile.

I remember developing severe pedophilia ocd (pocd) sending me spiraling. I remember staring at the back of one of my ex-friends who believed them wanting them to feel an ounce of my pain. 

I remember crying and screaming into my phone for hours just trying to,convince myself they were wrong about me when my ocd wouldnt let me. all while my mom would blame me over the phone for having a nsfw account online. 

I remember getting hit by a car on my first day at one of my first jobs. It left a body sized dent in the side of the car and I had no injuries. I was completely calm until a few hours later when what happened really set in. I almost got blamed for stealing tips because someone finished the delivery for me and didnt report them.

I remember feeling so set on not going back to my family home I spent thousands of dollars to stay in various air bnbs. 

I remember wanting to start multiple things and having my parents tell me I would not be able to do those things. 

I remember spending 6 hours a day working to be a boxer for about 6 months all while going to school full time. 

I remember my landlord coming into my apartment with no warning with an old man to tour it at his side on one,of the first nights I was there and I remember thinking I was going to have to fight off a home invader.