Hey, for a long time I've been trying to explain to people - mostly my therapist - what my real problem is.

It's so elusive it's almost unexplainable, this analogy is the closest thing I found to it making sense.

I wonder if people here feel the same or have a better way of putting it.



So I don't like olives.
I never did.  
Don't like the taste or the texture and just putting them in my mouth makes me wanna barf.  
Now that blocks me from eating all sorts of dishes that look great, outside of the olives. 

I'm sure that if I really try, after a lot of effort and time I could learn to tolerate olives. But even then everything with them will be "just OK", so what's the point really?

Some other people, just fucking love olives. Can't get enough of them. Nobody had to convince them, they didn't have to do work or lie to themselves, they genuinely like olives as part of who they are.

I can never understand liking olives, but I can understand that other people are just built different.

The point is - some people are just born with an inherent fondness or desire, and other people don't. And that's just the way it is, and no amount of therapy or work or drugs could ever get me to just naturally like olives like other people.


So now replace olives with, I don't know the right word, purpose? Ideals? Likes? 

I'll try explaining - some people like to write. 

Like if you leave them alone for long enough, they'll write something.

Nobody needs to force them or even encourage them, they just inherently like it, and while it takes works, and sometimes frustrate them, that's what they want to do.

The quality of writing does not come naturally, but the desire to create does.

Or people who like to paint, or build, or exercise.

Even stuff like people who like to work and stay organized, people who like to go to new places and meet people, people who just want to be with their friends, people who have a cause or a strong ideology and even people who just want to build cool stuff in minecraft. 


My point is, people just have a want inside of them, anything that makes them want to do something.
Where it comes naturally for them to do it. It might be hard, it might be frustrating, but that's where they're pulled.


And nobody has everything of course, but everyones got something, at least one thing that pushes them.


And I feel like I don't.
And never have.
My natural state, leave me alone in a room for a 1000 years, is nothing.
All I want to do is to pass the time,

 whether is doing mindless actives like dumb video games or just sleeping.

And it's not like I can't ever do things - sometimes I don't feel as depressed and can force myself to stuff - 

Exercising, working, seeing friends.

But even when I do, it's wrong - it doesn't come naturally, it's a battle.

It's like swimming against the stream, it's going against my nature, it's eating olives.

I always just want to go back to the nothing.

And it never gets easier, not really, and it will never come naturally like it does for other people.


And that's the issue. I feel like I was just born wrong. I want to have these wants, these desires, but I don't, and I don't see how I could.


The best I can imagine is puppeteering myself into a life, always fighting and pulling just to stay together, but I don't want that.

I want what they have, and I know it's real. You can see it in their eyes, in how they talk about it, in how it's so natural to them they can't even conceive that it might be not. How can you not like olives?


My therapist says that the difference between wanting, and wanting to want is minute, since at the end you're still wanting.
But it's not, and that's the fundemental thing.


So what's the point now? Even if I solved my depression, even if I get to be the best I've ever been, I'll still fucking hate olives, and there's no other way.