(DISCLAIMER: Fellow lovely people if you are a parent living with BPD, I'm proud as hell of you. I don't want anyone to take anything I say in this post as an attack against parents with BPD. These are just my own feeling and observations about myself.)

I'm genuinely curious. I'm not sure when the shift happened, but I think I was around 14 when I decided I never wanted kids. And the idea of childbirth/being pregnant terrifies me. It is so bad that I took pregnancy tests even when I hadn't been sexually active for over a year. (Illogical, yes)

It's even hard for me to be around kids because I don't know how to act. When I was a waitress, I had no idea how to talk to them - I'd either be talking too "adult" or I'd be babying a six year old. My "best friend" had a baby around a year ago and I was terrified to hold him and I am barely around now because even though I'm his "aunt", it gives me so much anxiety. She knows how much I dislike being around children but it makes me feel terrible. 

I also got my tubes tied when I was 26 (28 now) and the first doctor I went to was a female who basically told me she wasn't going to do it and it will affect my worth as a woman. That I couldn't ever give a man what he wanted if I did this. I was devastated and while I know what she said isn't true, those words still hurt.

I also constantly have people disrespecting me because of this. If you tell a male your tubes are tied, instantly he imagines you as a giant fleshlight. If you tell an older female, you get the "oh you'll change your mind!" speech. You get met with confusion and judgment and I don't understand why. Why is not wanting children such a horrifying thing?

I don't regret my decision in the slightest because I did what was best for me, but when I hear people talking about getting married and having children I feel a slight pang of remorse at the thought of leaving nothing behind when I'm gone. I think the notion of that being the "ideal" that people strive for is what pushes those feelings of loneliness and the fear of missing out on life's greatest moments. 

I'm too selfish for children. I cannot take care of myself even. I would be an amazing mother in spirit with a heart a gold, but the minute the world started hurting that child the way it did me, I would break. Or kill someone if they ever hurt my child. I would resent my free time and money going to something that wasn't for me. 

Then the big reason: I'm reminded of when my mother tried to kill herself when I was young. And I absolutely cannot and will not put a child through that hell when I do the same. 

Does anyone else feel the same way? Do you think it has anything to do with your BPD? I'd love to know I'm not alone. 