Hi all, i’m a non BPD married to a person with BPD. In all honesty, any negative thing that could occur in our marriage has happened. most notably physical abuse (which has stopped due to treatment) mental abuse ( comes with the territory ) and infidelity on his part. 

my Question is when does the blame shift stop. my husband knew and has acknowledged that he was wrong for cheating. After the first time, I started to slowly heal and work towards forgiveness but it happened again and he’s now coasting through the marriage vs putting forth real effort. 

in his mind, he “stopped cheating” — and often says that what you wanted right? but fails to acknowledge that it will take plenty of time to work through this and that the trust is ruined. Marriage counseling works momentarily, but if he sees that i’m hurt or upset after sometime he just kind of gives up... just like he does with continuing his education or even jobs. 

when i ask him to tell me his needs it’s always the following: 
give me more sex 
stop crying all the time 
and don’t talk about the affair

if i don’t do these things and sweep it under the rug, he’s mad and won’t show real effort other than “no cheating”

is he being an asshole, or does he really not get it? he says he hates analogies but i told him that it’s like me stealing money from him 2x, repaying him after that but that it would be normal for him to have issues with me morally. he says that cheating and stealing are two different things so there’s no comparison. 

I am asking for something he really cannot provide or understand? i can’t change him but can i get him to understand that he has to show me that he is worth my love? 

or do i leave??