I don't think I'm going home for christmas this year, it just seems selfish to risk spreading the virus. Or at least that's my excuse, because the real reason is that I have been revisiting childhood trauma so much lately (against my will). I've been having constant flashbacks, and I can't sleep. I've been getting my work done for school but beyond that not doing anything, like cleaning my house which I really need to do. But I basically am just surviving and trying to hold on, and I have so much anger toward my family... Yet I still love them and don't want to cause them pain. But I just can't see them for a while, Idk why I just can't get out of this trauma cycle and it's exhausting. I wish I had a therapist that could help me. I haven't spoken to my therapist in a while and I''ve been thinking about getting a new one because I havent made any progress with her but I might just try to talk to her soon because I do need to talk to someone. She's nice, validating and supportive but just doesn't really help me. All she does is validate me and tell me my anger is justified. Which I appreciate but I can't ever move forward. I want to leave this trauma behind but I think it will be with me forever. I've talked to multiple therapists about it (not my current one) and their response is always just like, "Well, lots of people hit their kids." like its this thing I'm supposed to be over, and it's weird that I'm not. I'm sure many people have been in my position. But I'm not over it. In fact the flashbacks just get srtonger all the time. My parents beat the shit out of me, being hit is my first memory. And I relive it every. single. day. When will it end?