I’ve grown up in a pretty great childhood and there’s not much that can be complained about especially compared to how others have it. I’m 19 and work at a hard but fortunate job, go to school, and am lucky enough to have a loving girlfriend. But within the past 4 years or so i have consistently led myself into a depression and more recently I feel as though I am losing my sense of self.  Depression is something I have had since my sophomore year in high school, and previous to that I slowly crept into this odd haze in my mind, not something that was life changing but it has never gotten better. Starting around my first year in middle school my ability to focus on things, and to process what I’m seeing steadily declined. The only way I can describe it is a fog between me and reality, I have only associated it closely with derealization or depersonalization yet I don’t think that is the case for me. I remember as a child being able to see the details, the colors, and the life in things, that has long been gone now.   Fortunately in my life I have had very little major events occur. One that impacted me very much was the death of my best friend since kindergarten. He was not a great influence but we got along so well as kids and I always tried to influence him in a positive way as he was much less fortunate that me. Later on in middle school and entering high school I paid less and less attention to him as he really had not gotten better with his ways. In my freshman year he stole a car with a friend of his and crashed into a bridge after running from police. This event hit me very hard to start with leading me to believe I couldn’t done something to have changed him or at least tried to have. But I gave up on him. I know it was not my decisions that lead him to those events, but the guilt does not fade.  Although a life changing event some may say, this feels as only a small part of why I am where I am now. Again since struggling in high school mentally I have never been able to accept who I am and the things I do. These feelings are much deeper than I can describe. But I will say that as time has gone on I have changed myself in a way that is appealing to those I know and this has been true for some time. More recently in my life is what has worried me and why I’m here.  In my senior year of high school I began taking up smoking weed and through some time it began a daily habit of mine. I smoked a lot with friends and only did it alone before bed, it has stuck with me and I wouldn’t be surprised If I’ve almost gone a year straight smoking every night. I used to vape and had to give it up doe to my health, as I started having these spastic and constant burps that although sounds silly really has impacted my quality of life even further. Even after quitting vaping the burps have persisted but this is just another aspect of my mindset now. Anyways with this abuse of marijuana I found myself and my very close friend trying out psychedelic mushrooms. While having some good and bad experiences with it I found myself to feel less and less in control of myself and thoughts in reality. I did mushrooms about 6 times which now seems like 6 too many. I will never try any drug beyond weed again but as stating psychedelics maybe around April of last year until that September.  Why I write this now is that I am concerned for myself. Within the last few months I have had thoughts that do not feel mine and sometimes they disgust me. Sometimes they are thoughts about bad things including me or others Actions not involving myself but just the action itself. I will never be one to harm anything for any reason. That I know of as I said those thoughts really disturb me. these thoughts feel like they are placed in my head with no reason at all. Some are completely random things I also get these thoughts of just down putting and totally confusing things. Sometimes it feels as if I’m talking to myself trying to make me do things or debate with my own mind in regular day things. This is not constant but when it happens I really feel bad about it. It can be random dates where I tell myself to do something yet there is literally no meaning. Or it can be random thoughts ab things to do or how to go about things like what to and what not to do. Like a voice in the back of my head. Although mostly not bad things they feel like they are not my thoughts. I’m in a point in my life where everything feels fake. Although my job is good, I have hard shifts in a place I feel I have to dedicate myself to already, I’m 19 and feel like my work life is already my life. And then it feels as my relationship with my girlfriend is a constant battle with myself to keep her love and act the way she things I am as a person. I spend sometimes 4 days in a row with her and those days are a constant battle in keeping my mind and actions the way I was when I met her, when I felt different about everything in life. I do not want to lose her and she is the best thing to happen to me. But the stress and feeling that it cannot be a lasting thing is pounded into my head more and more recently. Without her I would have nothing. After high school I lost contact with all my friends but my close ones. Those who feel like totally different people as I have changed with them. I feel as now my social and personal life is hanging by a thread. My dedication to school is mediocre, I have no interest in anything, I do go part time and am on track, as I’m on break for the summer I don’t know what I’m gonna do with that added stress. I have no hobbies in life and really never have. I have no talent and no interest in anything. I feel there is myself, a happy, outgoing person who just wants to make people happy, but that self feels so far. All I can think is that I am in a form of psychosis. The one friend I have who now I don’t even like that much has even asked if what I’m dealing with is serious, leading me to believe he thinks it is. Which tells me there may be. I feel that it is not and I can just coast through this as I always have. But now I really don’t want to do that. I don’t know how to describe what is going on any different than this and I wish I could. And I doubt any people have the time or interest to read this all. But I felt the need than to rather keep this to myself, I can at least try to get an answer for what to do in life. Thanks :)