From an outsider's perspective I have a supportive family, a large group of friends and a loving boyfriend, but in reality I feel so alone.  

The only family member I really speak to is my mum, my boyfriend is halfway round the world for another three months (I didn't leave him in the end if anyone read my previous post) and even though I have all these amazing friends both from back home who I've known for around a decade and those who I've met over the past three years at uni, I don't feel like the relationships are real. I feel like I create idealistic fake relationships which I'm constantly juggling to maintain, partly for myself but partly as a show for other people. 

The only person I felt I could truly speak to about how I'm really feeling was my boyfriend, but I'm worried that my irrational behaviour and mood swings are wearing him down and that he's becoming more distant. With everyone else I feel the need to put up a wall of "everything's perfect here, nothing to see" even if they directly ask if I'm alright, or they've just witnessed the aftermath of severe self harm, found me drunk on my own in my room or just some kind of meltdown.

I don't know where I'm going with this post, I just needed to get my thoughts down somewhere to try and work out whats going through my head. I'm just questioning whether any relationship I have is real or if I've just fabricated everything in my mind to compensate for the fact I don't really have anyone that I truly trust