God I love the cycle of my life. Constantly want to do shit I'm unable to do which I could've been doing fluently by now. Paralyzed by envy of those who *can* do these things, and have done so in ways and styles identical to what I've already imagined and pictured for literal years.

Go to work and do shit I hate for a pay that won't make me independent, come home and do nothing. Go to sleep, repeat 5 times, then I get a whole weekend of doing fucking nothing and hating my existence as opposed to just a fraction of a day!

Feeling perpetually useless and skilless, valueless. Nothing convincing me otherwise because of how far off the deep end I am. Depression and problems with existence in general shafting my ability to carry out anything I want to carry out, questioning the existence of any passion in the first place. A living disgrace to the only things I've ever looked up to.

Pointing a glock at my head and being too cowardly to actually pull the trigger in fear of what exactly will happen. Punching walls until my knuckles are bloodied and sore for the next week, repeat weekly. Hit my head against various hard surfaces every other day. Cry and punch myself every other night. No feasible end to the perplexing situation nobody will ever understand the weight of due to it's underwhelming demeanor and superficiality compared to the situations of other people.

Thoughts of playing chicken with the forklift at work. Standing outside in a thunderstorm hoping I'll feel static followed by an abrupt end. Wanting something truly horrible to happen to me so I can not only feel somewhat justified in my shitty feelings but also for a desperately needed push for the only thing I'm going to end up doing anyways.