i havent eaten anything in around 100 hours, havent showered in about a week, haven't brushed my teeth for maybe a month now and haven't left my room and barely left my bed for the past 4 days now. i am currently in a mental hospital. i feel like the people here have given up on me. they don't ask me to join therapies anymore. they come to get me for meal times but leave after i say i'm not hungry. i thought it's kinda obvious i'm not doing well, but obviously they don't see it (though it's kind of their job..) or they just don't care :) i've been hitting my fist against the wall occasionally just to feel something and to see my knuckles bruise. i like how it looks when they're all beaten up. i barely sleep. i don't know how long i can takes this anymore. i take meds but obviously they don't work. i feel all alone. i thought being in a mental hospital would do good but it's just making everything worse. i'd be better off home. at least my mom kinda encourages me to get on with my day. here they just don't give a shit. but i can't blame them. i should take the first step. but no... i say i'm fine when they ask if i'm ok (the 1 time a week they ask). the only reason i would wanna leave my room and go ouside is to buy booze to get fucking wasted. i've never been a drinker, i despise the taste of alcohol actually. but i'm so far down i just wanna destroy myself even more. i'm too scared to kill myself tho. i would fail anyway. or chicken out. i visited the train tracks last week and the police got notified and shit. i just told the people at the hospital i wasn't feeling suicidal but just wanted to sit there and be alone.. and they believed it. i wish i could tell someone how i'm really feeling. but my brain won't allow me to. the words won't leave my mouth.