Recently ended things with my long-term boyfriend, who I actually ended up marrying sometime last year but only so he could stay in the states (he's foreign) And before anyone comes at me with the whole "he married you for a green card" no.... the situation was nothing like that. We were unfortunately left without any options considering it was peak COVID, everything was shut down, and if he had left to go back we weren't even sure if we'd ever see each other again. 

*Anyways*, we tried so hard to make it work and finally we ended things on good terms but I made it clear I didn't want to keep in touch because it would just make it harder for either of us to move on. Towards the end of the relationship, there was so much instability (with him back in his home country, me still in the states, etc) and just so many maybes when it came to our future that it became unbearable for me. I just didn't know how to be in SUCH a long distance relationship, especially when it's with someone who doesn't really know what he's doing in life and just expects me to drop everything and move there to be with him someday with no security of knowing he'd be able to support us while I'm adapting to a new country. 

Stability for people like us is.... so important. I mean if I can't talk through a solid, good outcome/plan then my messed up mind is going to come up with a million unhappy scenarios and play them out every single day. Towards the end I just really wasn't sure I loved him anymore and convinced myself that I'd be so much happier alone. 

At first, things were going fairly well. I was waking up early, working out, taking care of myself, stopped drinking, focused on work.... But a month into our breakup and the walls around me seem to be collapsing in on themselves. I keep replaying old videos and scrolling through pictures and F\*CK why can't I stop obsessing over him when I know we ended things because there just wasn't a future for us?

I was diagnosed with BPD early on in our relationship and he never really understood what mental illnesses were. It was a long and hard journey for us because it was a constant battle of trying to get him to understand why my brain is so.... complicated. While his was very simple and straightforward. Not only did we not speak the same physical language but the language of our emotions also vibrated on a different frequency. 

But however different we were I just can't seem to convince myself that he's no longer my person.