I mean I end up in hospital a lot (every year) because I stop my meds, but this is usually because they are giving me such severe problems, I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever be stable because I have severe problems with all of them after a month or two it gets terrible. 

But I also feel that the person I am on meds isn’t me, they are subdued and really quiet, more reasoned, uncreative, etc whereas I e always been a dramatic wild child, not fond of rules like the typical artistic temperament. It just feels like a massive lie. I don’t feel my power, magnitude, theatrics or I guess you could call it charisma on them. That’s not manic stuff that’s my innate personality.

 There’s a part of me that adores being stable and baking, journaling, sewing, studying and nesting etc etc, I do love that so much, but then my wilder nature always comes to the fore every time, and so does the terrible problems I have on the meds. My body seems unable to cope with the drugs, too sensitive.

I just feel very confused as to who I am suppose to be. Keep in mind I have pretty bad psychosis and a somewhat mild mania, I don’t have full blown mania, I also don’t have depression anymore. That certainly changes my view of it all.
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