Crossposting this to r/ADHD because I have that too and I know it plays a role.

I have BPD and ADHD and I am (or used to be) an artist, musician and writer. I've had horrible diarrhea for a month, sent in stool samples, got blood tests and was told I have IBS. I told my therapist about it yesterday and she said "my gut is trying to tell me something".

I have been working very hard on myself in regards to self care, brushing my teeth daily, showering regularly, switching from microwaved crap to cooking fresh food, etc but she said the one thing I'm not doing is actually working to improve myself \*as a person\*. I used to average 2 novels a year. Draw a fully colored and shaded piece once a day. Write one full song a week. I have 3 completed albums. I have a dozen unfinished novels. For about 2 weeks before this I was on an upswing and legit felt high. I was sketching daily and then it all came to a screeching halt again.

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar 2 and drugged up for 6 years. As soon as I started the drugs there was a very sharp decline in my creative abilities. Since then I just CANNOT get my groove back no matter what I do. I'm terrified that I'm just not good enough. That no one will want to publish my books, no one will want to commission my art, no one will listen to my music. I put the entirety of my self worth on my ability to create and I can't, so I continue to hate myself. A couple hours ago I tried to draw and couldn't even get past the guideline phase. I drew a circle for the head, fucked up the snout 4 times in a row, gave up, told my husband I will probably end up killing myself one day and now here I am sitting alone in my office just fucking hating myself and my life and my parents for fucking up raising me and making me this way.

I feel like I will never be able to get back the lost time I spent on all those drugs. I keep having fantasies about beating my head against the wall until I die, cutting my wrists, my legs, just all over my body. I feel like i'm on the edge of a psychotic episode. I don't know what to do. All of my projects halted in 2017 and I just feel like it's too late to go back to them, but I also feel like I've lost too much skill to just start fresh on a new project. 

How the fuck do I get past this? Art does not give me joy anymore. I feel overwhelmed, frustrated when I can't get things right or the way they used to be when I was more skilled and I don't want to "waste" time practicing. My therapist says I need a project, but I just don't feel good enough. How do you get over the fear that you are not good enough and never will be?