I had a bad episode last night. I've been replaying the whole thing in my head trying to make sense of my behavior and what was going through my mind at the time.

It started with just feeling a bit of distance from my partner, and things quickly seemed to spiral out. I quickly felt like he was against me. I quickly felt completely alone, unloved, unwanted, etc.

The thing that was really so detrimental, the thing that was causing me to spiral, was this desperate need for a sense of resolve, and reassurance from my partner that I was loved. The more I pushed, the worse things got. Then things got so bad that it's going to take days for things to feel okay again. It feels ironic that if only I hadn't pushed for an instant resolve, things wouldn't have got so bad and things would probably be fine between us now.

I had genuinely positive intentions, but it's a situation where my intentions don't really mean anything because my behavior just didn't reflect my good intentions at all. The problem is I don't know how else to cope when things feel so hopeless and despairing.

Does anyone else struggle with this need for a resolve? I guess it's a thing most people deal with, but it can be made so much worse for people with BPD, because it means I really struggle to accept when things aren't good, because unless things are good then in my mind it's a trainwreck. It's that damn black and white thinking.

Sorry for rambling on. I just really feel like I need some reassurance and support.