I don't want this post to become a non-organised bunch of rambling but it might turn out to be so, just don't say I didn't warn you beforehand.


I'm about to turn 18, in my second to last year of high school (I live in Poland) and have no goals or aspirations for my life. 

I have always felt like the odd one out anywhere I've ever been. The most plausible explanation for why I believe all the other things I will mention later are they way there are is my family moving from London after us living there for about 7 years (though I hadn't been born there, they moved in when I was a 1 year-old) and even though I wasn't fully aware of it I think that the pretty significant change of place of residence changed some things in the functionality of my brain. 

From what my parents have told me or others on several occasions when we lived abroad I used to be "very happy", "playful", "talkative" etc., though after moving they realised fairly quickly that had changed. Ever since I haven't stuck to more than 2/3 people with whom I have literally any communication. From around age 10/11 onwards I became conscious of the fact that I've just always felt like the outsider in my class or really around any other people. 

I'm not entirely sure if what I'll say next is an oddity, but as I see a lot of people who post here or in other places  similar complain of straight up express revulsion to many or all people, I do not relate to that whatsoever. I believe most people I encounter are objectively good or at least alright enough. The problem lies in me and me only. I am pretty much unable to do anything "productive" as virtually all things that people consider to be such I dislike or just simply feel hatred towards and a lot of them me just being physically incapable of doing, one of those things being studying. I really don't know how to not make this sound awkward or stupid but my brain does not accept learning things if it isn't interested in any way. As you can assume this has had an impact on my grades in school over the years, though I had always been the perfect student (just your typical gifted kid, you know how things work out) now they're very average and to be frank, I don't give a shit about it. I really don't care about finishing any college, getting a "good" job, having various expensive possessions, you know what I mean. No if I had the best car in the world or none at all, it is totally indifferent to me and has been ever since I've given this matter a thought when I was probably 12 or 13, nothing has changed since then.

I feel a huge sense of guilt for being like this, although the absurd thing is I know I can't really do anything about it, I can't force myself to enjoy things people expect you to enjoy.

I have imagined what life without me would be like countless times how I would stop being a burden to people, but of course bring pain upon on my family. Even so, I could not ever bring myself to even attempt to take my own life as I am a Christian (willingly if you were wondering, in the sense that I could stop believing but I don't want to) and it is of course a deadly sin. 

I have completely no idea what to do with my life, I see others having so many plans for the future, things they dream of doing, meanwhile I have nothing and care about nothing meaningful. 

If you by some miracle read this whole trash accumulation of words I wholeheartedly thank you for your time and am just curious to know how others who might have felt this way long ago are, if anything has changed and is so then what exactly.

Thank you