TW: suicide, self harm

i hate it. i hate this. i come across as a fucking lax person but inside i am so judgmental and bitter. i am so angry at the world. i am so angry at myself. i don’t know the difference between platonic and romantic, i don’t know who is good for me and who isn’t— the paranoia always takes over no matter what anyways. so i push everyone around me away, good and bad. i hate myself so much for ruining the good things in my life. i don’t know how to cope and i don’t have good boundaries. i am too much for people and all i do is cry and lash out. i hate how i act and i hate the way others perceive me. i put too much of a burden on others and drain everyone’s energy. i can’t hold a friendship. i can’t hold a relationship. i push everyone away and hate when they decide to leave. all promises are empty promises and i can’t even complain because i make empty promises too. i am unreliable and unpredictable. i hate that i want to cut everyone off constantly. i hate that i always want to start over. i hate that i can never feel like i belong. i hate that i think about attempting suicide for attention. i hate that i get close to the ledge every day without fail. i hate that i self harm during and after every episode. i hate that i think i deserve it. i hate that i can’t be truly loved. i hate that it’s so hard to love me. i hate that i do this to myself. i hate that i can’t be happy. i hate that i don’t know my identity. i just want to turn my brain off and become nothing. nonexistent in the first place. at least that way, there is no one to risk a codependency or obsessive attachment. 

i am a mistake. people claim that i am wanted and loved until they see the deeper picture— until they see the vulnerability that they begged for and swore they wouldn’t judge. and i can’t judge them for it either, because i understand why completely. i am too much. i am not enough. i am too scared to live, i am too scared to die.