I wish I could stop being so selfish. Nothing goes the way it should, even when it's planned. I hate that when something bad happens to someone and it inconveniences me, I am mad at them for it. I know it's not right, but I can't stop feeling bitter about it. 

I hate that I can't be a good friend because of this. I *want* to be that friend that people can rely on, and want to have around when they're going through something awful. I *want* that, but I can't *be* that. 

My best friend is having a very difficult time with her health. My husband and I planned a vacation a few months ago to go visit her(before she was having health problems). Shortly after we planned it and bought tickets, she had a very bad incident and has been going through tests and all sorts of things. I got nervous because I was afraid she might not be able to enjoy our time together. We're supposed to go in 3 days...Friday. She texts me today from the hospital saying she may need surgery on Friday and that she doesn't want me to come. I offered to come by anyways, at least see her..but we didn't have to *do* anything. She said no, she'd rather not feel responsible for not entertaining company, and that she doesn't want to even worry about me. I feel like a burden. Like she knows I wouldn't be of any help, just a burden. I feel like shit. I hate that I ever told her anything. Maybe she'd still want me to come visit.

I'm sad that she's having to go through this, but my main emotion is anger. I'm mad because now I can't go see my friend. I'm mad because she doesn't want me to be there. I'm mad that now my planned vacation is ruined (I haven't had a vacation in 5 years and desperately needed this). I'm mad that I'm inconvenienced. Why do I feel all of this above concern for my friends well-being? I know I care, and I want her to be okay. But I just feel this rage burning up inside me. 

What the fuck is wrong with me? No wonder I have no friends and no wonder she was the only one. I can't be anything good for anyone. I can't even walk my fucking dog like I'm supposed to. I can't be bothered to do any good for anyone else.

It's all about me, me, me. I'm not even worth me doing this shit for ME.

I even canceled my therapy for this week because I figured the excitement of my vacation would be enough. Now I need it. Figures.

Edit: And to top it off, it's my husbands birthday weekend. Not only am I a shitty friend, I'm a shitty wife. I made his birthday into an excuse for *me* to have a vacation, to see *my* friend, and now it's a let down for *me* because I'm not getting *my* way. What about him? What the fuck. WHY CAN'T I CARE!?!??!?!?