I’m 26 years old. I’m a tall man with an athletic build, I would say handsome. I always showed ability for studies, I would say also that I am intuitive and observant, responsible and with communication skills, which has allowed me to receive a position of responsibility in my company, as well as a very good offer in another very powerful company in the sector despite being working for less than a year.

With this introduction, one might think that I am self-centered or that I have great confidence in myself, but despite the relative success that I may have achieved and that I often look to myself in the mirror, I am quite an insecure person. I always felt, since I was a child, that there was something in me that was not working as it should, something that was broken or defective. I was able to see the abilities and talents of others, but not my own, and when comparing myself, I always lost out.

Why am I writing this? A month ago, I met a girl and we started dating. I got excited tremendously quickly (something that does not usually happen to me). She was everything I'm looking for, beautiful and sophisticated, feminine and caring, but also strong and feisty, the kind of girl who receives candidates every day. She was coming out of a tough relationship and mentioned to me on more than one occasion that she needed to slow down, but I didn't listen or didn't want to listen. He invited me over to her house for dinner one day, we talked and laughed, danced and kissed passionately, and then we cuddled up and watched TV and talked about future plans. She distanced herself quickly after that and told me that she needed time, that she was blocked by her past relationship and all the emotions she was experiencing. I told her that I understood and that I respected her decision.

On the one hand, my healthy state says that it was not really something personal, simply sometimes the circumstances are not the most ideal. My most insecure side understands that for some reason this girl doesn't see me as a boyfriend candidate. Whatever the reason, this devastated me more than I could have imagined. I felt like I had been left empty, and I punished myself for feeling this way about a girl I had just met. Other times I got angry, feeling used, this girl wanted to forget her ex-boyfriend with me and couldn't, and now I form the last link in a sad chain of insecurities and sadness, like the last piece of a domino that eats shit without knowing why. I have spent a week waking up in anguish at night and crying like a little bitch until I fell asleep again. 

Living alone, far from home, and taking on certain responsibilities has made me grow up, but sometimes I still feel like a child. I feel in a vortex. Sometimes I am a tremendously affectionate and understanding man, other times, I am incredibly ambitious and destroy whoever gets in front of me. On Sundays I go to the forest and lie down near the river, so I can fully rest. I want to kill the child in me and be a man.