Being told to stop during an episode makes me hurt more. If I could just stop whenever I wanted to then I wouldn’t have BPD. What do people saying this expect to happen? That I’m just going to magically calm down and be like “thanks for reminding me to flick my bpd switch off”? 

My mom pulled this on me during a very bad episode this morning (i haven’t had a bad episode in over a month). So I screamed at her. I told her to shut the fuck up. I feel so awful, I never want to hurt her intentionally and I never, ever cuss at her, I know better. but I couldn’t control it. I tried to control it because I understand she is scared, she doesn’t know how to handle me, she just wants to help. But I couldn’t. She knows that telling me to stop makes things a lot worse, I’ve explained it to her during episodes, after, before. I’ve told everyone who deals with me during episodes. They still do it. 

It hurts so much and I lash out and hurt them back because in the moment all I want is to stop the pain, I want it so bad that I’d let myself die to stop it. But I can’t stop it. All I can do is cry and scream it out until I calm down on either my own accord or with the help of my fp.. so being told to just “stop” like it’s easy is so painful 