I'm 22M. When i was a child i was around my alcoholic father as he was verbally, emotionally and physically abusing my family and myself. When i was around seven years old i realised i was gay and that was something wrong and sick that i had to hide from the world. I pushed a kid who annoyed me at school, he hit his nose on a wall and i was screamed at for 2 hours by a pregnant bitch teacher when he lied and said i punched him. I was raised by my 17 yr old sister for years until my mom brought me to the UK. 

I lived with my sister in a crappy cheap rental with other immigrant alcoholics and drug addicts, my sister went to work nights and i was left on my own in a flea infested room. My mom would visit a few times a year as she was working elsewhere. I was always afraid of people and now i was in school where i quickly started to get bullied, i was extremely shy and soft and could not relate to other kids, hence i had 0 friends throughout. I would walk in circles during breaks because i had nobody to talk to.

When i got to high school things got even worse, i struggled making friends. I had 2 "friends" throughout high school who were also losers, and even then i had to pretend to relate to their life just to have someone talking to me. I was very withdrawn, socially anxious and felt alien to everyone, especially the extroverted cunts who would fight, yell and bully others out of boredom. I would sit alone in every class, too afraid to say anything while kids behind me would spit paper spitballs at me. I would walk in circles or read in the library during breaks as i had no friends. I also developed severe cystic acne which made me feel ugly and avoid others further.

During this time i was also heavily invested in gaming which was my way to escape my reality while i stayed home and never ventured out. I also found out a guy in my class liked me sexually, i smiled and made short replies, but it never went anywhere because i could not help but be anxious and afraid. I felt i lacked control in social situations especially, my body would automatically withdraw, reject and respond with fear.

In college ('sixth form' in the UK) my mental health was getting more out of hand due to the sheer loneliness and social anxiety i was feeling, which turned into depression. I became a cam model for about a year when i was 18, posing naked and playing with myself for the entertainment of old men on the other side of the screen. Although it gave me a small confidence boost, it didn't seem to help my mental health long term. I often did not bother going to school, instead staying online to escape my tormented mind. When i was called out on my attendance the college leads just stared at me, waiting for an explanation or an apology, but all i could do was attempt to hide my tears. I was judged for not doing better, they assumed i was just lazy and treated me accordingly.

At this point i had no goals or plans, after managing the 2 years of college i did not go to university because i could not handle more of the same torment. While others had made friends throughout the years, i had none and at this point it would be too late to find any as everyone knew each other and everyone thought i am an awkward loser, just sitting in the background while others spoke and had fun. My one year break turned into another year, and another, and another.

I did not feel capable of having a job, i was diagnosed with depression, ocd, anxiety and social phobia, i live on government disability benefits. I don't know how long i can keep that income coming. I hardly ever leave the house, ive been out maybe 10 times this year to go for a walk or visit my sister. I dream about having a romantic relationship, i cover my acne and scars with makeup and go for a walk, imagining i would meet someone. I feel that i am only staying alive for my family. I stopped feeling happiness or excitement about life a long time ago. Everything is grey and dull, i often think suicide would be the best thing for me. I have mental breaks and cry for aliens to beam me out of this shithole planet.