Hello. Just wanted to share with you my life. I’m 29 years old and I live in the United States. 

I struggle with mental illness. I cannot say what it is because I have never really received a proper diagnosis. I just can’t seem to live a life that is fulfilling. My current relationship with my girlfriend has been reduced to arguments every other day. She claims I am “vindictive, cynical, and negative” and she sometimes gets mad at me for some of my habits like my desire to look at my phone when I am with her in the living room or the fact I don’t always text her when I do something like taking a nap. She has also gotten angry over my forgetfulness from our previous conversations. I tried telling her that my memories issues are a medical issue but it still seems to frustrate her. I don’t really think I am cut out for intimate relationships. I prefer to be alone most of the time and I don’t really like intimacy anyways. 

My work life is definitely not good. I got fired from my last job because of serious memory problems. I have short term memory issues. They were mad because I “couldn’t retain information”. No lie. I can’t remember stuff very well. It’s like my brain receives info, jumbles it up, then releases it back out into the air. Maybe this has to do with my past (I used to smoke pot as a way of self medicating). I’m also very disorganized and messy and I have this overwhelming desire to see myself as a victim in this world. My parents were expecting a career for me at this point but pretty much most of my jobs ended in failure and I never got anywhere with them. 

My family life has deteriorated. I am not getting along with my parents. They lecture me on what I should and shouldn’t do in life. They seem to mean well but sometimes I just get irritable and we start arguing. Today my mother called me a retard and my dad recently said that “anyone else is more swift than you, son”. Hearing those things made me feel bad. I know I have said mean stuff to do them and I am sorry for it. I don’t really talk to other people in my family at this point. 

I have a bad relationship with sleep. I can’t sleep in the dark. I’m just afraid something is gonna grab me and try and hurt me. So I normally sleep with a lamp light on and with a fan on. It’s all I can do to reduce anxiety issues. I have this obsessive habit of peeing an excessive amount of times before I go to sleep. It’s like my mind just tells me to get up and go and pee even though I just went and did that..intrusive thoughts that don’t give up no matter what. I also have other rituals that I have to do or else I will feel uncomfortable. I don’t sleep at night. I only sleep in the daytime. I think this is because I want to avoid people and just life in general. I also apparently have social anxiety because I feel uncomfortable socializing with people in general unless I absolutely have to for job related reasons. I am currently on unemployment and now my parents want me to get evaluated by a real psychiatrist because they finally agree with me that I might have some kind of medical issues that are preventing from living a totally normal life. I see everything in this world as negative. I see all people as bad even if they are not. I just can’t seem to shake all of these negative thoughts no matter what. I no longer have a sense of humor and my personality is essentially a gray cloud hanging over my head. I honestly don’t know if I am capable of being upbeat and cheery. I used to take medicine that made me that kind of person but I only took it for a short time. 

Oh, well. At least I have a roof over my head and some savings. My life hasn’t hit rock bottom but my mental health is pretty bad. I guess that should help me for now. Thanks for reading this post.