I’ve long been suspected of having a mood disorder. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 19 or so, but it never felt quite right. I’m 27 now and relatively successful and engaged to a wonderful man.

Over the last year I’ve been working closely with a couple of therapists to help me understand the root of my depression, anxiety and lately uncontrollable impulsivity.

Alcohol is a huge trigger for me and obliterates my coping mechanisms, but lately it feels like the only way to escape the shame I feel about the things that I’ve done. And round and round we go. 

Things hit an all time low with a suicide attempt a couple weeks back after a few drinks on the day that was supposed to be my wedding day (it was postponed because of the pandemic). It’s was the strangest and truest forms of disassociation I’ve ever experienced and it terrifies me that I could do that again. Of course, by the next day I felt OK and couldn’t comprehend how I’d gotten to that point the night before.

I’m scared of myself. I’m scared of hurting others even more and right now it’s hard to see past tomorrow even though I know, true to past episodes, this certainly will pass. I’m so scared and so fucking tired.