Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here. I've known I had BPD for a long time but struggled with a therapist who kept pushing methods of treatment that I was uncomfortable with on me and making light of what I was struggling with. Having sessions and a place to talk did help when I started my relationship with my ex last year, though, so I was in a better place and doing better at subduing some of my bad BPD behaviors and rationalizing with myself out of lashing out. Eventually, I no longer wanted to nor could I afford to see her, and I went without treatment for the second half of our relationship. What a nightmare. I was already spiraling and then also dealing with his schizophrenia and PTSD symptoms (a disaster for someone with BPD - he was removed, isolated himself from the relationship, went cold suddenly, lashed out, showed signs of untrustworthy behavior, feared our connection but was happy to spend time with everyone else, ran away often, etc.) so I ended up showing over-the-top symptoms. I was obsessive even when he was doing the right things at times, convinced I couldn't trust him, needed constant validation, picked fights and blew up over small things, involved him in a suicide attempt, called him every time I was breaking down, began forming narratives that made it hard for me to distinguish the reality of the relationship from what was being manipulated by the BPD, and I could go on and on. 

What made it all worse is that we both had manic tendencies, so when it was good it was AMAZING. It was a high. We were so in love. We would run away together in his car, never sleep, promise marriage and a dream of moving to California together, etc. In retrospect, I understand that a lot of this was unhealthy. We had a typical whirlwind/crash relationship that both of us contributed to and we were too young and emotionally incapable of making it work at the time. I know that I need to be with somebody grounded and perhaps someone without such a contradictory disorder right now. I repeat this like a mantra every morning, day, and night, but I also don't believe it. After a year, he abandoned me in a really triggering way instead of talking to me, using evasive language and ultimatums (he said he needed a week of space and when I agreed, he told me that he was not using the week for a break but to decide if he wanted to be with me or not - really triggering) that pushed me away as much as it led me on. Going from saying he would help me through this one moment to screening my calls the next. We also slept together the night we broke up (he said he could have sex with me but not kiss me/remain friends/or talk to me) and he left me crying midway. He handled it badly for any breakup but for someone with BPD, it was the worse case scenario. I was humiliated, finding the strength to walk away from the "ultimatum week" one moment, then begging him back the next. I have since blocked him on everything to reign in some of my obsessive tendencies and asked my support system to help me not reach out to him. 

But I go from blaming him for manipulating me/preying on my symptoms/not taking my disorder as seriously as I took his even though he was pretending to...to blaming myself and feeling like I had imagined my entire side of the relationship and feeling like I will never be able to find healthy love. I suppose this post is just a vent because I know that returning to a therapist and treatment program that suits me when I have the money will help and that the gray area (balanced thoughts) is impossible for us. I am just so exhausted of these arguments throttling around in my head. I'm worried that I will get physically sick and already feel myself manically turning to dating apps to jump into the next relationship and prove that I can manage it. I'm trying to stop the train before it derails but it seems to have already left the station...