I’ve always suffered with anxiety,but after my dad became very sick and eventually passes away my health anxiety became a monster. 

It all started in 2019, started having chest pains,felt my HR go up,convinced myself something was wrong with my heart. Turned out to be gastric issues and gallstones. I still went to the cardiologist and got tested and my heart was fine. My health anxiety “left”.

Fast forward to 2021,I am in the lowest place I’ve ever been. Have been to so many doctors and I keep getting “normal” results. The only thing I’ve ever been diagnosed with is low iron/anemia. 

I’ve diagnosed myself with 
MS
Lupus
Chronic Vein insufficiency 
Brain tumors
Retinal detachment 
Optic neuritis
Leukemia
And the list goes on…….

It feels so disrespectful to even say that. There’s people struggling with these illnesses. 

But,my mind and body wont let me be. I feel so many physical symptoms,it can’t all just be anxiety. It almost feels like I want to hear a bad diagnosis,but yet thats my biggest fear. I dont understand myself. 


I’m in therapy,was prescribed an anxiety medication because nothing else is working,but I haven’t had the courage to take them. I’m scared of it amplifying my physical symptoms. I’m scared of it not working. I’m scared there’s no fix or help for me. I’m stuck in this vicious cycle. I’m even becoming scared to leave my home. 


I wake up throughout the night checking my pulse,making sure I can still move my body. I spend hours googling symptoms and looking at videos of people with illnesses to see how my life would be. I cry endlessly,I think about ending it all,but I know I don’t want to die…. Thats the root of all my fears. 

I’m scared my loved ones are sick of reassuring me and they’ll get fed up and leave me. 


I’m scared this is my forever now. 

I feel trapped. I want to be me again.