Disclaimer: This post is definitely a brag but I really hope it helps someone find a little bit of hope for the future. 

Being told I don’t need therapy anymore is a bit disorienting since I’ve been going once a week for over two years, but I really feel confident in the skills that I’ve developed and for the first time in a long time, I am really excited to be alive. 

Two years ago I entered into a toxic relationship that really exacerbated my symptoms and led to my BPD diagnosis. I was mistreated, cheated on, and gaslighted to no end. But because of my BPD, I couldn’t leave and turned into a toxic, manipulative, super unhealthy person myself. I hadn’t even realized what I had become. But it was bad. It was definitely the most miserable time in my life but I didn’t realize it then. Fast forward to about 6 months ago, he left me. I was suicidal. I was making to most desperate attempts to hold on to him. I thought my life was over. I would do anything to hold on this relationship. A relationship that had been taking a toll on my health for two years. But that’s what BPD does. 

I continued going to therapy and practicing coping skills though it didn’t seem to make a difference. But seemingly out of nowhere, one day it just all clicked. I realized how far I had come since the days of blacking out from uncontrollable emotions and how much I had learned along the way. I found that I was able to forgive my ex, and more importantly myself. I realized I never loved him which makes me feel bad for him but good for me in that the catastrophic break up was really the best thing that could have happened to me. If he hadn’t ended it I would have held on forever and never concentrated on getting better. 

Now I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. My meds are working. I just moved to a new city with a new partner. I feel genuinely happy in this relationship; I never question it that way I constantly did with my ex. I know I’m experiencing real love now. I’m starting a really good job and feel like I’m doing something good for the world. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m meant to be here, on this earth. I still haven’t figured out exactly why but I have a new found sense of curiosity and excitement in this life. I know that because everything is so great right now it’s just disguising my BPD symptoms that will always be present. But now I’m confident that I can control them and find light in the darkest of places. I’m not nervous that everything’s going “too well.” I’m not waiting for the next disaster. I’m learning to live in the present and that’s what has helped me the most. 

I’ve been there. I’ve seen my rock bottom. I’ve been close to ending it. Nothing and nobody saved me. We’re all here for a reason. You’re not your BPD. This disorder has a horrible stigma attached to it but it does not define you and things will get better. They may get worse before they get better but I truly believe that if I can manage it, anyone can.