i don’t know if there’s really any point to this post. maybe other people experience it and it’s not some super unique feeling.

i’ve been passively suicidal for as long as I can remember but over the last few months it’s progressed. Things went from “if I die, I die” to “how can I actively make this happen sooner” and ultimately starting to plan things out in detail. i haven’t picked a date yet.

due to scheduling errors i haven’t seen my therapist in 5 months, and my psychiatrist in 3. i just don’t want to go back. i want rest so badly. I don’t want to get better anymore. I’ve spent nearly two decades desperately clinging to this idea that it HAS to get better so i HAVE to keep trying but i am so fucking exhausted.

the strange part is I still find myself going through the motions of life like i want to live. keeping my job, even working hard towards a promotion. trying to better my relationships, thinking about getting a pet. things that someone who doesn’t plan to be dead soon would do.

i definitely want to die, I know this isn’t like my subconscious trying to make life better or something. it’s just feels so black and white i can’t help but to laugh a little and feel even crazier than usual.