I'm not really sure what I hope to accomplish with this post but I guess here goes;

Met my now Wife 3 years ago and fell in love instantly. She is/was the perfect person for me in every way and I just cannot see my life without her. I've had long term girlfriends before (8 years and 5 years, respectively) but I was always very closed off and reserved with them, attempting as much as possible to not be vulnerable - Why? Brain problems I guess.

Since meeting my now Fiancee that all melted away, I can be silly and stupid and be open with all the stupid nerdy ridiculous shit I like with her without feeling judged or insecure. In those 3 years I also tried to get a grip on my insecurity/trust/vulnerability issues - Going to therapy (getting diagnosed with ADHD along the way) and honestly trying my absolute best to open myself up, because I honestly love this woman more than I describe.

We were both heavy drinkers when we first met. The first few months of our relationship was basically just getting shitfaced for weekends at a time, and it was great - But obviously not healthy or sustainable. After a while I asked her to dial back on the drinking a little bit as drunken nonsense arguments about nothing were happening more and more. This ultimately came to a head about 2 years ago while I was at work she drank an heroic amount of alcohol to the point where she was threatening to kill herself. I left work as quick as I could to go back to our house to make sure she was okay, which ultimately resulted in me almost getting fired.

After this incident I told her that I was really not okay with her drinking anymore. Which she was receptive too and didn't drink at all other than a few beers when we were at friends weddings and such over the next while (We're Irish so not drinking in some description at social events is almost impossible). I also asked her to go to therapy which she did and everything was looking to be fine. COVID hit and after spending literally every day with this person for over a year in a cramped apartment with a cat and dog I realized I would be more than happy to spend the rest of my life with this person. We got engaged, my parents gave us some land, we are now in the process of building a house.

This is where I become a hypocrite. Throughout COVID I drank like a fish. I would easily put away a bottle of wine a night on the weekends while sitting on my computer playing video games. I expected her not to drink but continued to drink myself, on retrospect I feel disgusting about this. It wasn't until about Xmas of last year my own drinking problems came to a head and I decided to quit cold turkey. While I never did anything overtly bad while drinking like infidelity or being in any way abusive, I would just withdraw into myself and happily sit in my corner in drunken silence while she went to bed alone.

I feel pretty disguising about this I never looked at my drinking as a problem because I only really drank by myself or with idiots at the other end of a Discord while playing video games. While I wasn't a "problem" drinker in so far that I didn't get abusive or make stupid decisions, I was choosing alcohol over her almost every night. Fortunately I came to this realization towards the end of last year and I haven't had a drink so far in 2022.

Her drinking however takes on a different form. While she doesn't drink often, when she does drink she does not know her limits. She will literally continue consuming alcohol until she cannot stand anymore. When she drinks she becomes incredibly (emotionally) abusive to the point of saying things like very very cherished memories between the both of us mean nothing to her. She has admitted that before she met me she was "a drunk" (her words) and that since being in this relationship she's happy that she can finally be herself without alcohol. However this once again came to a head earlier this month when we both went out to meet friends. Because it was the first time we had properly went to a bar to meet people since COVID I told her to just relax and drink if she wanted to, it was fine. Unfortunately this was a huge mistake. She got blackout drunk and the old drunk version of her reappeared, the abusive fucking asshole that brought me to tears on the drive home.

The next morning I had a come to Jesus talk with her, saying she needs to make a decision about whether she wants to have alcohol in her life or me. She promised that she wouldn't drink again. That did not last as and the reason I am writing this post right now is because she just came home from a night drinking telling me that she regrets marrying me and that she truly hates me - That she wants to kill herself and that she's entirely alone in the world. 

I honestly do not know what to do now. I could not put it in more point blank terms to her that it was either continue to have me in her life or continue drinking. I understand that not drinking is sometimes hard, I understand that more than most. 

After some research and a lot of thought, I am almost certain she is suffering from BPD - Obviously I'm not a medical professional so I don't want to assume anything, but I'd really like her to be evaluated for it, but I'm afraid it'll just start the cycle all over again. Reading descriptions of BPD, it describes her almost exactly and it's absolutely terrifying considering the statistics of self harm with people who suffer from it.