Hello friends, this week I was diagnosed with BPD II. Prior, I’ve been receiving treatment for ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression on and off for about 5 years and I’ve noticed, what feels like, a strange change in the way I communicate. Like the longer I take medication the less I can lie to myself and others as I’m not feeling as compelled to do so. 

However, I’ve also noticed that having my brain the way it is, I cannot sustain the romanticization necessary for delayed gratification. I’ve had 5 completely unrelated jobs in 3 years bouncing back and forth between management and non-mgmt roles. I think I am competent enough to have these jobs. It seems like I get super involved and interested, then have a few bad days and completely shut down until something else grabs my interest. 

Novelty has a certain sense of grandiosity for everyone, I understand that. It just seems like the only way I am productive is during those manic states and so I worry that moving forward, my ability to sustain productive, not self-destructive, energy will be non-existent. 

I apologize if this is incoherent. I’m at work right now and am really worried that I won’t ever be able to keep a job and have a career I am proud of because I get too mad about progress and say “Screw it, I’ll find something new” out of resentment for them and myself.