I already reached out to her a couple of times today. Oh well, I can’t go back in time and not reach out to her. My FP (23F) and I dated for a couple of months and lived together for a while. If it weren’t for us being housemates and covid we would’ve never been together. But idk. I might be thinking like this since I just got back from having a mental breakdown. 

She’s been my ex for a couple of months now but she wanted to stay good friends after we broke up, and we were. We would play Minecraft together or I’d go visit her two counties over where she lived every other week. It was great! I didn’t feel like I had bpd and we had a great friendship. But the past couple of weeks she’s been very distant, and whenever I text her she wouldn’t text back but when she text me I’d reply back. She asked for space but then would reach out to me??  Or she’d say she wanted to be really good friends but ignore me when I would text or call her?? We usually text each other to get on Minecraft nowadays, since our area is infested with covid we’re too scared to go out to see each other. Playing together was cool for a while but then I felt like she got kinda bored after a while. She knows I have BPD and when I get ignored, I get triggered — I’d binge eat to the point of throwing up or I’d have really nasty BPD thoughts. Very intrusive thoughts... 

Fast forward to present time and I’ve had enough of her ignoring me so I talked to her about it 3 days ago. She acknowledged that she’s ignoring me ON PURPOSE but she said she had no bad intentions on ignoring me?? She’s admitting to doing something that HEAVILY triggers me and expects me not to get triggered when she ignores me? ME?! I WENT APE SHIT CRAZY. 

I was so upset at what I did.... I smashed my MacBook so now I can’t go to class for grad school or do my work. I (kinda) spammed her with 5 messages and one call — she hasn’t responded yet. 

I fear that I have lost a really good friend/relationship again today due to my needy bpd behaviors. I fear that I might’ve jeopardized my first semester of grad school. 

I did lose my sanity for a moment there. But I’m glad that things aren’t worse.