He’s my ex but he’s also my friend and we care deeply for eachother. We kind of expressed wanting to be eachothers endgames but a relationship between us can’t work right now for many reasons, specifically he’s being ordered to South Korea for the next two years. 

He probably knows better than anyone the extent of my BPD and behavior, and he subsequently gets the brunt of it. I lashed out like a crazy person at him last night, talking about suicide and being really horrible to him and saying I’d never speak to him again.
I don’t know why.

I’ve apologized to him so much that at this point it seems like what’s the use, boy who cried wolf, etc.

Should I just leave it and give him space? I feel like apologizing now will feel disingenuous.