English is not my mother tongue but my people is usually rude and that's why I'm writing (hopefully with little errors) this in English. Truth is - I need emotional support. I am so tired and so sad and I've been crying a lot these days and I feel I am all alone with no one to talk to. I have a 5 years old tom cat who has been my entire life and who is curently having problems with his eyes (some kind of infection) despite my immense care which do not go away no matter how much I pray and fast. The vets in my town are all incompetent! Just today I was to see one and since then my cat is worse. I always was a very religious person in the sense that I love God, I pray to him sometimes and talk to him a lot. In my religion fasting means no food of animal origin and I was fasting two times a week someting having just one meal after 5 o'clock. Also, there are 3 large periods of fasting a year (5 weeks in winter, 6 in spring and 2 in summer) which I was keeping for God in exchange for the well-being of my cat. My stomach is not as it used to be thanks to this way of life but I was really confident that if I sacrifice myself well enough God will listen to me and keep my cat healthy. I guess I know it sounds stupid but I needed to believe that someone will listen to me and my pain and worries. But seeing my cat not being well together with other things (people not liking me despite of my efforts, incompetent vets, important persons for me ignoring me when I do not ask much of them- only an opinion!-) I feel so alone and miserable. My sisters says that people do not like me because I do not like them and they feel it. But how could I like the people I know when they are making fun of what I love, of what I am and reject me for being always "perfect". I am not! That's what they are saying that I am perfect and need to stop making them feel inferior because I read a lot, always had good grades with minimum effort and I know a lot of things. Truth is I always wanted the people beside/near me to not perceive me as an enemy and I tried so many times to belittle myself in order to make them feel good and ok about themselves but they always attack me with the flaws I revealed to them and I am the one suffering in the end. I do not know anymore how to be and what to do and suicidal thoughts are always present in my mind. I am also at the age when I should find a job as I have finished my studies but I do not have the power to do it as I feel incompetent and good for nothing, useless and with no real talents. People in my life ignore me, judge me or simply reject me and I feel so so alone.....I wish that someone would be kind to me and tell me it would be alright cos now even my faith is weak as I feel abandoned by God himself. I feel that I should just die. That there is something wrong with me, that I have a contagious disease or something.....I am not ok....
Maybe I should seek professional help but I do not have the means to do it...nor the desire...