There is something irrevocably and irredeemably wrong with me. No matter how many times I’ve tried to explain this, I don’t think anyone in my life ever really seemed to understand. I look back now on these past few months and I can’t help wonder when did it all begin? When did I stop being happy? Why is it only now that I see it for what it is? How long has everyone else known? Or do they? Does anyone care? Does anyone see the pain and paranoia that inflicts me daily? Do they know I’m crazy? Do they? Do they? Do they? How long have I been like this? Have I always been like this? When did the self-awareness become self-loathing? 

Well. It’s clearly gotten bad if I’ve resorted to Reddit. Like breaking-down-in-the-back-of-an-Uber-after-ai-disgracefully-resigned-from-my-previously-fulfilling-job bad. I used to pride myself for being emotionally intelligent when I was younger but the vulnerability that has come with it has become so painful. I know I’m just another narcissistic, navel-gazing young adult acting on instinct and insecurity. I know at only 20, I know nothing. But I desperately want to be a good person, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter. But I don’t feel good. This concept of goodness feels unattainable and elusive. A wisp of goodness just slightly beyond my grasp. 

It hurts because I know I have no one. I’m not close with my alcoholic Mother though I’m grateful for all that she sacrificed for me. I resent my absent father. I don’t feel a connection to God or spirituality. My entire extended family is on a separate continent. I’ve isolated myself from just about every person in my life. I don’t have anyone anymore, and I can’t stand being alone. Alone with only my fucked up, warped thoughts to keep me company.

Turning 20 broke something in me. I’ve never felt so uncertain about my future, my failures becoming too painful to stomach. Failure academically, socially, emotionally, financially, - it all seems insurmountable. And as a little cherry on top, I wince everytime I see myself in a mirror. Somehow both self-obsessed and obsessively self-critical. The American culture of narcissism captured perfectly within me.