Right now I'm slowly riding down off of a wave of crushing pain, rejection, and sadness. It's hard to put a description to it but I felt the need to write this out and maybe share it.  


So I went rock climbing with this girl I'm seeing after work today and I invited a fellow co-worker who goes to the same rock gym. She's climbed with him a few times just the two of them (which obviously triggers A LOT of anxiety and emotions) ever since they ran into each other there. Last week she said she was going rock climbing and I ran into this guy at work and found out they were going together. Of course I immediately flipped. That emotional switch that goes off that yells DANGER DANGER. I texted her about how she wasn't being up front with me and it made me suspicious. She got defensive and we ended up fighting.   
I understand its normal to have friends especially when you share a hobby but as some of you might understand I always fear the worst is going on. I have thoughts that she likes him and is purposefully hiding the fact she was going with him. I become wildly insecure because for the longest time rock climbing was always *our* thing. I suppose it's a form of jealousy and fear that what we have isn't as special to her. As well as the fear that she will leave me for him.

Fast forward to tonight. We had talked about how certain situations make me uncomfortable (specifically involving other men) but I am trying not to be the possessive jealous type and tell her not to hang out with this guy and be friends even though we both know it will potentially eat me alive at times. I tried to be amiable today and invite the guy to go with us. So we get there and we all climb together for a little bit (i had gotten there about 30 minutes before them; and don't get me started with how suspicious I got when they were both late!). So I wanted to go to a different area of the gym that requires different equipment so I out it on and went over to where they were climbing and told him I wanted to top rope before I got too tired. She was standing maybe 5 feet away so I assumed she heard me and saw I had my harness on.   
So I went top roping by myself for about a half hour or so before I was really burnt out. The whole time I kept hoping that she'd want to come join me so I kept anxiously looking out for her. Every time I looked and she wasn't there I felt a little more crushed. When I returned to the other area, there they were having a good time climbing without me. My heart sank into my chest and I felt betrayed and crushed. I kept thinking *she clearly chose him and didn't bother to find me or join me.* *She doesn't give a shit about me. Why does this always happen? Why did I come here with them so I could climb alone while they hang out the whole time? Clearly she's happier without  me. etc. etc.* It was soul crushing rejection and feeling worthless.  
Her and I were supposed to do a yoga class after that but I didn't have the emotional fortitude to do it. She said "no  yoga?" I said "no" and shook my head. I just couldn't handle the situation. *Why would I want to pretend everything is fine when you clearly don't care about me* I thought. She then said "i didn't know you were still here"  
Of course I immediately left angry, hurt, sad with heart racing and my hands shaking. *If she didn't' know where I was, why didn't she come look for me? She didn't bother to ask him? He knew,* I thought. *If she cared she would have found me and joined me.*  
I then proceeded to text her that I couldn't handle this and it was over. I said that this is what we had talked about and I can't handle her rather wanting to climb with him and I couldn't do yoga and that she had no idea how shitty I felt. I told her I didn't have the emotional fortitude to act like everything was OK when she didn't care about me and could just forget about me like that and that I felt like dying.  
I know I probably overreacted but it's so hard to not communicate when the emotions are SO strong. I'm sad because I constantly struggle trying to figure out what's valid and what's BPD. I'm i trapped in a warped perception or am I reacting to reality? All I knew (still feel now) is how shitty I feel. Did she really not know I was there or where I went? Was it really her choice to ignore me? Why wouldn't she have looked for me if she didn't know I was there? Is she lying to about him because she knows I can't handle it? Am I just crazy and not cut out for a relationship? I don't know. I know mindfulness can be helpful but sometimes I become scared of becoming so detached from my emotions.   
Reading the posts on the sub has been a great relief. Sometimes it's made me cry. Many times it's made me think about my own behaviors. But most of all, when I read some of the posts, it makes me feel less alone.   
It really is a struggle and it's times like these I wish I wasn't me.   


vent.