I'll try to keep this as short and sweet as possible.

I woke up to my mom being drunk. Now, she is an alcoholic, and she has BPD as well. When she gets this way it puts me on edge, makes me quick to anger and I cannot help but not yell at her. The previous night I took away her liquor. She really hates the idea of me being like her, drinking like her, so I took a few sips to prove my point and make her feel the pain I felt.

I wake up the next day and she's still drunk. She is bugging me for cigarette money and it's just so fucking annoying and I get so hostile. I shout "one more word about cigarettes and I will drink the rest of that bottle in front of you." She sobs and pleads me not to. So, while I feel bad for manipulating her like this, I also feel weird because it worked so fucking well! Until her mind wandered and she let slip another request for cigarette money.

*I wanted to make her hurt*. This isn't me just being self-destructive for the sake of it. I purposefully targetted my mom and wanted to break her heart. So true to my word I return with half a bottle of the peach vodka from last night. I stand in front of her and chug the entire thing. Probably about 185 mL if I had to guess, I don't know how many shots that is.

So, now I am tipsy for the first time in my life so I drunk text FP, who has been busy (ignoring me?) the last few days. Then I try to talk about it to a couple friends but wind up deeply upsetting them both. The one friend, when she was reassuring me that I wasn't being a leach because I cared for her, me in all of my stupid, drunken honesty said that "I don't even know if I care or if it's because I know you're there." I immediately feel guilty when her demeanor changes and I so want to go back and unhurt her. Especially because the way it hurt to see the pain I caused reinforced that I really did care, but now she doubts that. Odd juxtaposition from me wanting to bring my mom pain anyway.

So I've been alone the last few hours with my thoughts. I sobered up at work today, and nobody but the aforementioned people even knows I was drunk for the first time today. It's all so confusing. This is the first time I've hurt myself for its effect on others in years. I thought I got past this when I stopped punching myself to shut my ex up. And I see my mom, and how she is in her fifties and hasn't gotten better despite all of her attempts at AA and therapy, and that's what my future looks like. If I'm going to be like her in 35 years I would rather just kill myself now.