I have three things I want to share, so I'm making a three in one post. :) 

&amp;#x200B;

1. Breakthrough. 
2. New Job.
3. Playlist.  


1. In my trauma counseling, we're still new and so I'm still giving exposition and telling him alllllll about my abuse/rs and my traumas. I started telling him about my ex \[read: abuser\] and how we began and my feelings, etc. I used to tell my exbuser all the time that it was incredible. Every time I would cross the threshold to his house or when he moved to an apartment, I would walk up the stairs and as I climbed, I felt all my worries and all my stress just melt away. They were still there at the bottom of the stairs or outside the door, but when I was with him, I could leave them outside and it was just him and me. I was comfortable, I was happy, and I felt so safe with him. He knew just what to say, we were in sync, and at times it even felt like he was reading my mind. He was my person. He knew me better than anyone. We belonged. It was so easy, we didn't even have to try. We just clicked.

\[Later I came to realize all the mental and emotional abuses and manipulation he had been doing quite intentionally, and found out about the cheating, and then he manipulated me and lured me out of state to a remote town where he treated me horrifically, isolated me, ostracized me, rubbed his new relationship in my face, and at the height of it all, got me fired and evicted. All while everyone loved him and his fake, charismatic self. I have PTSD from the experience on top of the BPD which flared it's ugly head like it had never before.\] 

Anyways. So I tell my counselor about how I felt and that whole paragraph right there, and he stops me and he goes, Principessa, he was your home. You're grieving the loss of your home. I was like, what are you talking about I have an apartment. He goes, that's where you sleep, but he was your home. I pondered this and it suddenly made so much more sense. Why I'd felt so comfortable and overlooked the negatives. Why I allowed myself to be lured out of state. Why it hurt so badly and affected me to the point that it did. \[Outrageous levels of depression, anxiety, paranoia, and at it's worst, delusion. All with a helping of substance abuse. I lost 30 lbs in about 2 months.\] I've come to realize that I've been denying myself grief because how the fuck could I miss someone like that. HOW could I have felt so anxious and tragic and desperate while he'd been so mean to me. Why couldn't I move on?? Why can't I even fathom being with someone new? 

I've started owning my truth. I miss him. So much. Every day. But I miss the him from a year ago not the him that is currently walking around. Even though come to find out later that he was not in those moments how he seemed to be, in those moments, I felt loved, safe, and secure. And I miss them. Ignorance is bliss. Those moments were real to me. He was my home. And I've been lost trying to find a new home. Somewhere I feel like I belong, I can be vulnerable, I can love. I'm not ready to delete the pictures. I'm not ready to get rid of the trinkets. I'm not ready to let go. I'm devastated. But I find peace in owning my truth. Because I can own my truth, I can be sad when I feel like I miss him, I can think about the old times. And it's okay to do so. I've got all his things in a box. And I don't have to get rid of them until I'm ready to. They're just going to sit in my closet until I don't need them anymore. He was my home. I loved him with every fiber of my body. Even though it ended up being toxic, it was intoxicating. And I'm not ready to let it go yet. And that's okay. I can move on because I can grieve.

&amp;#x200B;

2. New job! Yes! So, after a year of being beaten down and having unstable BPD, Bipolar, and PTSD that affected workplaces and my life, cost me multiple jobs, incited multiple drastic moves, just controlled my life in a REALLY bad way, I've been able to pull myself together, get back on my feet, and I landed an amazing full-time job with my dream company in my dream location, AND I was able to negotiate for a dollar higher than their starting rate. I feel so proud of myself to be stable enough to make this decision with confidence, knowing that this is the perfect job and environment for me, with the full support of all of my friends and family, which I haven't had in so long due to me making poor, impulsive choices. My ability to take care of myself is something I pride myself on so much, and I haven't been able to take care of myself for almost a year now, but I pulled myself up and got back on my feet again, and I'm so proud of myself. 

&amp;#x200B;

3. Playlist! I've found some songs that have been making me feel better about my feelings and my situation with my abuser. Music is my love language, I listen to music that corresponds to my feelings. My main feeling I've been struggling with for so long is that he was so horrible to me, yet everyone loved him. He faced no consequences. So these songs fall in line with that, allowing myself to miss him, and asserting my newfound independence. 

* Just A Dream- Nightcore Reality
* Wolf in Sheep's Clothing (feat. William Beckett)- Set It Off
* Outrunning Karma- Alec Benjamin
* Faded- Alan Walker
* Nightmare- Halsey
* I'm A Mess- Bebe Rexha
* My Way (SWACQ Remix)- Ava Max
* Love Ain't- Eli Young Band
* fuck, i'm lonely (stripped) (Feat. Anne-Marie)- Lauv

&amp;#x200B;

Anyways, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. That's it. :)