Hi everyone, just a bit of background information:

I’ve been having anxiety symptoms ever since I got into uni, the first few years it was just small things such as commuting all the way to uni but ended up not being able to enter the classroom because of the overwhelming feelings that I was experiencing OR not being able to sit through a lecture. During exams, my brain just suddenly blanks out and feel nauseous. Looking back, I don’t remember what really happened in uni or what courses I’ve taken. 

The start of this year, I hit really hard where my partner had to call mental health support for me. I started having suicide thoughts and insomnia from worrying that I’ll fail my courses again and not getting hired, judged by the society in the future because of my bad grades and delayed graduation. It was not until talking a professional that I’ve realised it was anxiety all along that might have contributed to my memory loss and lost of concentration.

I’ve gotten a little better over the semester break in the last few months, I tried my best to build my routine back up, but now that a new semester starts again, my heart beats really fast whenever the alarm goes off in the morning (I struggle to wake up sometimes even after 8 hours of sleep). Given that I’m only anxious when it comes to uni, I’m scared that I’m just being lazy and faking anxiety to hide from my responsibilities…?

Also, I feel like I’m wasting mental health resources because I believe there’s always someone out there who needs it more than me. Lack of knowledge on identifying my feelings back then and this idea of “I’m not sick enough to see a doctor” is what stopping me from calling for help when I’m breaking down.

I’m not sure if this all makes sense but I just hope to get some advice / guidance on how to cope with these feelings? Sorry about the poor writing and thank you for reading!!