Quite borderline is a thing, before anyone goes "but everyone does that!" Don't. You don't know me, I don't want to talk about it all, it wasn't normal, I'm lucky I'm alive, I'm lucky I didn't get fired, I'm lucky I met a loan shark online and not in real life. I really wasn't self aware but I genuinely thought I was and I still don't know because I'm not getting treatment. That's what scares me the most is how you can plan and be kind of aware, but do it anyway.

I was given a psychological report after a suicide attempt, it flat out said "shiiid is showing no signs of borderline personality disorder". I don't know if they know about quite borderline, but it really upset me the most as I didn't know how to articulate what was going on. I was WAY too embarrassed and ashamed and external self awareness is also a thing, and that explains why I felt so detached from myself, and I never really understood the sense of self, probably because I'm fucking stupid. But external self awareness makes more sense to me. I don't know what's going on, but only having five sessions after diagnosing someone with borderline personality disorder and assuming they're fine, is just fucking shit and shows how little they know about it, I think psychologists (or psychological nurse in my experience) should look into quite borderline as I remember the nurse didn't seem to listen to me at all. She just made assumptions, never asked and I stupidly agreed. But what the fuck do I know? I'm just a vulnerable narcissist that blames everyone else for my problems. But is it really too hard to fucking listen if it's your job? 

Congratulations for reading this waffle, you've reached the end and are probably wondering what the fuck I'm on about? I don't fucking know, all I know is I'm not in control and scared I'm going to hurt someone, because I realised I don't want to hurt myself. Probably going to delete this soon anyway, today sucks.