I always had this dream of being someone adventurous. As a kid, I wanted to grow up and get a job that would involve me getting in a lot of adventures and would make people say" yeah that guy is cool. Whenever I thought about it I always wanted to be a pilot( could have been for a  huge passenger plane or even for fighter jets), astronaut, professional explorer, a deep-sea diver, and well so on. But when I look back on it now I realised I hadn't really prepared much for it. You see people who have cool jobs like that and they began preparing for it ever since they were children. I mean when I was a kid, I was just pretty shy in nature and would just sit in and watch cartoons every day and whatnot. Only when I came to high school did I really realize what it would take to pull off such a feat. I came across an article where a girl of my age was interviewed for a newspaper and she said that she wanted to be an astronaut and had already done a whole lot of things for it such as get specialized training in scuba diving, was in the process of acquiring a private pilot license and had excellent grades in school and was going to college where I had wanted to go. After reading that I just felt really bad for myself. I just felt pity and anger wondering why it couldn't have been me. I mean it's never me. No matter how much I try I cannot do anything extraordinary. I thought that now since I'm in college anyhow I can start afresh and change my whole life direction but things just stayed the same. I don't have the best grades. Any skill I know is of subpar quality and whenever I try to learn or study I just feel things getting more and more difficult. I can barely remember formulas, definitions, or anything of that matter. Hell, there are some words that I just cannot spell correctly anymore. When I look at my friends who have amazing grades, published research papers, attended international conferences I can't help but feel shitty. I don't feel like being around them anymore because when we talk about future plans they often would bring up their successes and achievements which I couldn't and cannot match anytime soon. I always thought that living with my parents was lame and annoying. I hated listening to their nagging, scoldings and complaints, and would always say to myself that I couldn't wait to leave home and go be by myself in college but now that I m here I miss my parents and mom especially terribly and I keep wishing to at least go back to them because they are the only source of positivity and support i have left anymore. They always told me things will get better and that i shouldn't worry a lot. Thinking or hearing that from just sometimes brings me close to tears. My close friends have more or less gone their own ways after graduating HS and none of them ever really keep in touch with me anymore. I have to always message them first. My best friend with whom id have daily conversations isn't around anymore and id is lucky if I get a response from him in less than a week. I don't have any relationship or a partner. Being on campus and seeing couples sit together, hold hands, and whatnot i just feel sad and angry at the same time. I was and am always that kid in the corner of the room. Why does every aspect of my life have to be shitty? I have never ever felt a genuine sense of accomplishment or happiness in my life ever.