TLDR I’m laughing when I should be crying, and I’m worried I might be going crazy.

A few months ago I asked my spouse for a divorce. I’m a neat freak and they’re a slob, we don’t have kids, and we’re incompatible in a few other ways. We decided to do marriage counseling, but I didn’t feel like that would work.

Up until then I had been gradually getting more and more depressed, and never really had a good way to let it out while alone. We both worked from home, so they were always there, and I didn’t want the divorce conversation to happen when I was feeling at my lowest and most emotional.

After the divorce talk, things started a bit better, but I became more and more anxious and depressed. I started seeing an EMDR counselor, but I’m not sure if that’s helping or not. I also talked to my doctor and was prescribed Prozac.

A month or two ago I was driving from the store and burst out laughing. It felt weird, like a quick and somewhat unsatisfying way to avoid crying. Ever since then, I’ve found that happening more and more - if I’m the slightest bit emotional, I start bursting into laughter, sometimes losing my balance or transitioning into crying.

A few weeks ago I was at a particular low point and had a good cry, but it took like 10 minutes and had a lot more “wailing” than usual. When I was at Christmas with my family (something I was really, really looking forward to), I was holding back tears while opening presents. Then today, I spent like 15 minutes laughing with a little bit of crying in between.

I can’t tell how much of this is real. I am genuinely sad, but not that sad. And while I was laughing, I was both in genuine emotional distress and also curious if I could make that laughter sound like the Joker’s. Like I’m not even taking my own emotional distress seriously, or I’m bored by it. It’s fucking weird and I don’t like it.

Anyways, I’m contacting a psychiatrist to see if I can get this under control. I don’t see my marriage going anywhere, but feel like I’m not in a great place psychologically to handle a divorce. In fact I’m not even sure if it’s that I want a divorce or if this is just whatever weird crap is going on with my brain.