So this is going to go really personal and talk about child sexual abuse ...

I was abused really young, both by family friends and my own father. And when I grew up, I never really realized that they normalized pedophilia in my head. I started dating at 11, and my first boyfriend then was 21. Since then, I only dated men or women way older than me. Because I didn't see anything wrong, and I really thought it was normal for them to want to have sex with me. 

The thing is ... I'm not a child anymore, not even a teen. And if I still look like I could be between 15-18 years old, I'm not. And it makes me want to die. Because I feel like I don't deserve to live anymore since I don't attract that type of people anymore. Normal relationship seems weird to me, even when my partner is nice to me. I feel like I have no purpose anymore. Because before I was something those people really wanted, they wanted me because I was young and damaged enough to never say anything or never say no to them. 

I know it's not normal, I'm scared to talk about it to my psychiatrist because I feel like it's as bad as being a pedo. I'm not one (obviously, I'm attracted to older people and never had any weird thoughts like that), but I feel like I don't belong now that I'm older. I don't know if one day I could stop feeling like that. It just makes me want to die now that I'm worthless.