I have this habit of blocking out the past. Whether it’s 3 years ago or 1 week ago, if it’s negative, I’ve probably blocked out of my awareness. It’d be hell to live with these things. I’m specifically talking about things that I’ve done or said throughout the past years, bad decisions I’ve made, things I engaged in, or things that happened to me (like mental breakdowns). Everything that is embarrassing, painful, scary and would make me hopeless I just shoved it in the back of my mind. They’re somewhere in my subconscious mind. I cut ties with all the past versions of myself that I regret. Also the things that happened earlier in life that scarred me. Things that others done to me. I do still like the happy parts, the good versions of myself, those few good days, I look at these old pictures and I feel happy. But the bad memories? I don’t know them. Even when I get flashbacks I just completely try to ignore it. 

So I live each day as it comes. Only looking forward. Only looking at the hopeful future. Because what else is there to do? I have to keep pushing. Work on myself, and my goals, living in the moment and looking forward. Now I realized that I live in my head too much. Sometimes I get so indulged in myself that I’m not really aware of how my words and actions effect other people. Because I’m so focused on my goals and my mental world sometimes I live unaware of my how presence and take communication for granted, specially digital communication. At times when I’m talking to certain people like couple of my siblings (we’re 6) I express myself very freely because I feel this heavy weight on my shoulder and I need to vent. And I tend to forget that what I’m saying could, WILL, effect how the view me. But that’s a future problem, right? When I’m in that state of mind all that matters is now, because I feel like I’m internally shaking. Also I could be burdening them, and sometimes I do burden them with very lengthy texts and long voice notes. 

When I’m in the right state of mind I try to be as gentle, loving and supportive as possible and I’m very nice to those around me, but when my world is crumbling I just see world in my head and I need to talk and vent. Also since I’m so focused on my internal world, my thoughts, my feelings, when I’m comfortable with you I don’t think too much about what I’m saying. It’s not extreme, I do have some limits but sometimes with the word vomit things just come out. I also tend to be expressive on social media (to an extent). Then days like today I get this sense of clarity where I realize how much how I’ve been acting the past weeks, whether positive or negative, has an effect on people. I wake up and I realized that I’ve taken so many things for granted. That I was so shut down on myself, in my own little mental bubble, even in face-to-face communication and that there’s a bigger world out there. I’m was still nice caring, it’s not all negative, but I’m kind of unaware of how it effect their internal world. Does it make sense? 

I still would rather forget the past and focus on each day as it comes. I already don’t have the best memory so that helps. But I feel like others don’t live that way. They don’t just let go of things as easily.