for context i am 21 year old female with significant emotional and sexual trauma. i grew up with 2 addict parents and have been sexually assaulted multiple times. so i’ve got pretty severe anxiety and depression. i think horrible thoughts about myself all the time: i am useless, worthless, aimless, waste of space, waste of life, will never succeed, don’t deserve happiness or success. and i recognize that these are horrible things to think about yourself. but i fully and 100% believe them. i have done nothing with my life, i have no skills, no purpose, no motivation. i have tried exercising, yoga, meditation, fixing my diet, fixing my sleep schedule, meds, therapy. but i always fail and hate myself so much no matter what i do. because i am cynical and a bad person. i do not give enough time or love to people i care about bc i can hardly handle myself. i used to have somewhat of a concern for my own health and safety, but it has flown out the window. i drink even though i’m an alcoholic, i smoke even though i know im abusing it, i self isolate and self sabotage constantly. but i can’t stop. because i just don’t think im worth anything else. growing up i was the burnout of my siblings, who are all extremely smart and successful. i was always the one who didn’t fit in with family, school, friends, friends families. i have always been the odd one out because im awkward and shy and self conscious and i hate that about myself. so now i am basically rotting and im going to die soon. whether at the hands of myself or because of how i mistreat myself, i don’t know. but i will not be living much longer and i truly am not bothered by that fact. i am ready to go. but before i go, i wonder if there is anything else i can try to love myself, or to see my own worth. does anyone have any tips/similar experiences?