I feel I’m losing my mind. I don’t know what is going on with me lately but I have been suffering from depression for the last year. I will probably be rambling in this post. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety two separate occasions but two different therapists. A little background: I’m 30 y/o, I work from home, and the first time I was diagnosed with depression I was around 26 and I was in a very very toxic relationship it was both emotionally and physically toxic. I feel I’ve always been a pretty insecure person and have always had low self esteem but I feel when I was younger I was just living and not really concerned about these issues. For the last 2 and 1/2 years I have been in a relationship with my bf who is 25M. I met him almost a few months after dropping my last toxic relationship. We are a great couple no complaints. He is the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and I’m grateful for him. However, i don’t know what to do anymore because I feel I’m drowning in my sorrow I am not sure why I have this endless dread. I just HATE MYSELF to the core and I don’t understand why. Like i said, I’ve always been in an insecure person but I used to know what it’s like to have fun and just live in the moment . I can’t remember a time I’ve been genuinely happy. I’ve also lost my dog this year she was battling a terminal illness and till this day I still grieve. 2 of my friends also passed the same month as my dog. One of them being my best friend from high school who unfortunately took her own life.It was years since we spoke but i stil grieve a lot for my pet and i m ow it’s just a a pet . I am never happy ! I never want to do anytbing. I do work from
Home so it’s easy for me to just be on my bed however I can be on my bed for hours and hours just scrolling through my phone and never get up. I never want to do anytbing i do not find ANYTBING enjoyable. I used to get into little hobbies that would ease my mind but I am incapable of doing anytbing. My therapist and bf are always like go outside gets some fresh air get some Sun try to be active. The thing is I’m not sure if I’m
Trying to find an INSTANT relief but like i said notning improves my mood. I have days where I do feel better than most days but most days it’s just me hating myself, stuck on my bed, and a lot of self loathing. I have a lot of obsessive intrusive thoughts that I’ve never had before… I’m always putting myself down. Lately I’ve also BROKEN out like a mad woman i breakout like a guy going through puberty in high school i used to have beautiful skin and then acne issues don’t really help me either. My face is sooo ugly, I’ve gained a lot of weight too. The acne flare ups are everyday my face does not have a moment of just being clear and it’s frustrating. I just want to be secure in my own skin. I constantly compare myself to my boyfriend because i feel he is out of my league and he can do so much better and i just feel so ugly and hopeless next to him. I’ve seen his ex gf and they’re all so beautiful and that’s ALL i can think about HOW ugly I am and that he is only with me because I’m funny (that’s what he says) and he says i have a nice personality . I feel he is just with me because of my personality and that I’m not necessarily attractive. I also HATE having sex i hate it. When i met him my libido was very high and tbh I’ve always been a fairly horny person. I don’t think about self pleasure either i don’t want, when we are having sex i want it to be over bwxause alllllll I CAN THINK about when we’re having sex is how disgusting i am and HOW UGLY i look in certain angles. It’s a lot of details but it’s how i feel. I hate complaining because i feel there are people going through ACTUAL BULLSHIT in this world and I’m not the most privileged person but i do have a blessed life and I’m grateful for that but everyone always say “why are you sad you have this that and that” “ you have a great partner and family” yes that’s all true BUT i do not feel well. I’m
Soooo FUCKING tired soooo tired and I JUSR DONT understand what’s going on. I’ve tried going to therapy but I find it completely useless I don’t want to get on meds! I’ve seen dermatologist for my acne and they all want to get me on accutane and since I’ve been diagnosed with depression i don’t want o take any risks. I’ve also thought it’s my hormones because I’m older i recently did an ultrasound to see if i have PCOS and i do not have it according to my
Gyno. But i don’t know i feel my mood HAS IMMENSELY changed the last 2 years and it’s making me go crazy. I feel hopeless and I am just so tired so tired I’m so tired of feeling this way and I feel no one understands i sometimes don’t even understand myself. I sometimes try to see what’s changed i sometimes i think back to my last relationship how terribly toxic it was. This man would talk about my body how i gained too much weight (I’ve always been relatively thin) and how my clothes didn’t fit as good, never complimented me, always told me i was disgusting pathetic, thag body was trash, and i don’t know if being in a relationship like that switched something off in my brain because i feel I’m so broke. And I’ve never felt like this before in my life. I sometimes just want to go to sleep and never wake up. 

I’m just tired…