But fuuuckkkk do I want to self harm but I also don’t want to self harm because I always hate myself and the scars after. But I’m really struggling after finding out my boyfriend is still following his ex (he is very adamant on how he wants nothing to do with her bc she was toxic and doesn’t think people should follow their exes and stuff).

And I’ve already struggled with insecurity issues regarding her and their relationship. Like I’ve found old tweets (ie. him saying in another life that his ex is the girl for him) just a couple months before we met. And like she also contacted him like a month or two into us meeting asking for money (which he gave btw lol) and had to go hang out with his friends after that. He also told me her best friend reached out to him lol but never specified about what and I didn’t want to pry. I didn’t care then because I wasn’t attached but I do now. And I can’t forget about these things. It makes me worry he has unresolved issues and feelings with her. 

I found out like a month into dating that he was still friends with her on FB. He’s since deleted that account and supposedly had no idea he was friends with her on there. He lied to me about when they actually broke up (it was a few months after what he said, thanks reddit.) We had a whole discussion a month or two back because I saw his posts with his ex gf on tumble and them interacting and writing lovey and sappy shit about her. I asked him today if he still follows her out of curiosity and he said he “thought he unfollowed her.” Idg why he could t have unfollowed her after we had that conversation. 

It’s just so hard to trust him sometimes. He swears up and down that she was toxic and he wants nothing to do with her but I feel so insecure. I told him I was upset (didn’t blow up! so i’m super proud lol it was hard considering his ex has been a reoccurring topic) and listened to his explanation and said no more. But tbh I’m just picturing sawing a blade into my leg. 

I think my issue with not reacting as much is causing me to just internalize because I don’t want to start an argument. I’m gonna cry after we hang up and fall apart. I hate feeling like I can’t trust him and feeling incredibly insecure about her. Plus she’s his cousins friend which is why they met. They knew each other for years and he even wrote on a reddit post “The girl I’ve been in love with since I was 13/14” and I just feel like I’ll never compare. He dated her for 2 years until he was like 22. We’ve been dating a yea. 

Actually crying while he’s on the phone with me. I feel so sick. I just want to throw up and die.