Hey y’all.  I was recently diagnosed with BPD after a series of events that I am placing below. 

I (20F) was finally getting my life back together after a depressive episode. I had a lot of friends, I had a girlfriend, I had great grades, I was super involved, I did student government. It was amazing- until my medication ran out.

I couldn’t get my hands on any for five days. I’m on pretty hardcore medicine so this impacted me a ton. 

Then, I made a mistake with my girlfriend: I accidentally outed her to someone who didn’t know she was queer. I didn’t know she wasn’t out to this person, but I impulsively told him I was her girlfriend. She broke up with me (very understandable). I do not really attribute this to BPD. 

Here’s the scary part: in a moment of panic post breakup, I self harmed (when I panicked on meds this is not something I did.) I thought my roommate didn’t see me but she did. She flung the tool across the room, before saying she was sorry but she couldn’t do this and left the room. I found out she went to the room of one of our mutual friends for the night, where she told them what had happened.

The next day, none of my friends were answering my texts. And the day after that. It took hours for me to get one of them to crack- they said that they needed space because my depressive episode six months ago was bad and they couldn’t go through it again. I had been super clingy and had threatened suicide a few times.

I don’t blame them. I was a mess. But it still hurt. 

My roommate and I started talking again for a couple of days, and she even stayed there one or two nights, before she started leaving and not coming back. After two days of this I offered to go home, to which she said that she was already filing to move out. 

Again, I don’t blame her. That was traumatizing for both of us. It still hurts because we were super close before and now we probably won’t even be friends. 

How do I make sure this never happens again (besides getting my meds more regularly?) I can’t lose friends like this again. This has been awful and I feel so bad about how I treated them.