I wasn't sure where to post this, but I figured that this would be a good start. I've been dealing with depression for 10 years and have been medicated for the past year. I haven't found a med that has worked yet and have gotten worse. I've lost 40 pounds in the past two years and can't bring myself to eat and have a hard time leaving the house. I'm lucky to have a job where I can choose the days I work, and still go in for a shift if I'm not scheduled. That has made it easier on me to get out of the house. The last couple months I've started thinking more about death and become suicidal. I have had attempts in the past but it's been over a year since the last one in which I was hospitalized for. I bought a bendy hose pipe that would fit around my cars exhaust and drove to a parking lot around 6 am last week and attached it and put the other end inside my cars window, and rolled up the windows. I thought this would be my final attempt, but when I got dizzy and weak and realized it was my last chance to change my mind I turned the car off and put the hose away and drove home. I haven't felt the same since, and feel like I'm on autopilot watching everything happen. I can't stop wondering if I really did die and this is all in my head or another dimension where I survived. Everything looks and feels grainy like it isn't real, and it all feels like a dream. I wrote this to get it out as I haven't told anybody, even my doctor; but mostly because I don't know what to do.