(I'm really sorry for my English in advance, it's my 2nd language. I tried to make it as much readable as possible.)  


For over 2 years after my last break-up and getting back to my family home, I constantly fucked up my sleep schedule. There was no difference between sitting at my pc for the whole night and doing the same thing but waking up in the morning instead. I just had too much free time on my hands for the first time in my life, which made me leave my plans of going to therapy completely behind.

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These 2 years passed, I slowly started getting back on the right track, I signed up for a new extramural school, found an amazing boyfriend, planned our future together, had lots of meetings with him (long distance relationship), and... that's where all my problems related to my sleep schedule and anxiety started to ruin my everyday life.

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My anxiety started to kick even more than before, my daily routine is so fucked up that I can't really get myself to do anything productive, I sleep like a 5-year old with all my lights on, hiding my head between some pillows and getting a heart attack every time I hear some sound in my room.

I put off literally everything, from spending time with my boyfriend on Discord, self-care and taking a moment for myself, to web-dev practice for my dream future job. Constant mood swings and becoming sad for the sole purpose of becoming sad because "I want to" makes me crazy. I randomly get mad at my loved ones, then I want to show everyone how sad I am currently, I overshare, then I get back to feeling great, and I feel ashamed of myself.

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Nights spent alone started to be a total nightmare, I had nobody to talk to because everybody was asleep, sitting 24/7 in my room has shrunk my comfort zone and made my social anxiety A LOT worse, to a point where simply going to a dumb shop seems like a monster right now.

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I have had nightmares every night for like a month now, and it made me cry for the first time in like 3 months this night after waking up from one of these. Intrusive thoughts became unbearable too, I constantly need to distract myself, and as much as I love my boyfriend, spending time with him makes me think of our future, which I dream about and dread it at the same time. Finding my first job, moving out... as for a person with social anxiety, this makes me have a panic attack every time I think about it, but it's the most important goal for me, and I'm sure it'll make me truly happy, finally escaping this shitty house and living with my boyfriend.

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I'm worried about my relationship even though everything between us is amazing, but my dumb brain just can't be happy about spending time with him, suddenly I have issues with everything: "u don't give me enough affection, I'm scared that you're bored while spending time with me, how do u have patience for such a paranoid person like me" etc... It all just basically comes down to a fear of getting left alone, my boyfriend made me live again.

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It's literally impossible for it to all suddenly end because we love each other so fucking much and can spend time together for long hours. This hasn't changed a bit through our first year together, so why am I so scared, why can't I just appreciate his support, our amazing relationship, our time together? I feel so fucking guilty, and I constantly feel like there's a 10-ton weight on my head every day from all these problems. I'm just too aware of everything around me, I wish I was fucking dumb and unaware of life, but I just can't. 

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I want to fix my sleep schedule. I want to go to therapy again. I want to show my boyfriend that his overwhelming support and patience didn't go to waste. There's a spark of hope inside me, but I just don't know where to start...