My delusions are weird. On one level, on an intellectual level guided by the smartest pieces of me, I know that they're not real. In a way, that sort of doesn't make them delusions. But in another way, I believe them. I believe in things that I intellectually know aren't true, because my emotions and baser intelligence gets so wrapped up in them. As an example, I know alcohol is bad for me and I shouldn't drink it, but I do it because I need to. I can't fight my own nature.

The latest ones... are frustrating. I am engrossed in a belief that I am some kind of a horrific criminal, a negative delusion of grandeur where any and all bad things in the world are my fault, where death and war and suffering all stem from my existence. I suppose if I was Christian, I would probably believe myself to be an Anti-Christ of sorts. It causes me to sit up at night and look for negative news stories as if I could pre-emptively stop myself from unrelated events I inevitably blame myself for.

And that's only half of the delusion. Because within these false beliefs, there is a rock-solid belief that the governments and police entities of the world are looking for the person causing all of these things. And that when they find me, I will be put to death. I have a horrific fear of prisons and hospitals, and an even worse one of deadly medicines such as the lethal injection. I already struggle with taking my prescribed medicines because of this fear, and tonight was spent looking at different manners of capital punishment hoping I could receive anything but deadly medicine for my 'crimes'. It's an endless cycle, I see suffering that I blame myself for, I begin to believe that I will soon be caught from it, and I think about ways I could die.

I don't expect you to find any of this very interesting. I just wanted to write it down and talk about it in a place with no judgement. I don't plan on hurting myself, and the intellectual part of me is strong enough to avoid doing anything stupid. It's just a frustrating thing.