I cannot stand thinking about sex anymore. One of the greatest mistakes I have ever made in my entire life was losing my virginity. A year ago, I dated a girl who I was deeply in love with. We both agreed as long as we were going to get married it was fine for us to have sex, as we both believed sex should be reserved for the significant other that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. We both took each other's virginities, but she ended up breaking up with me because she became worried that I would leave her for someone else no matter how many times I told her I would never dream of such a thing. I have spent every day since we broke up disgusted that I lost my virginity to her. It is such a painfully shameful thought, and I am torn between if I ever want to have sex again. I have always thought as it being something to be cherished with only one other person, and now it means nothing. If I was to have sex with someone else, it would be utterly pointless. What is left to share when I gave everything to someone else. What pains me the most is I know that I want it again, I hate that I want it again. I feel like a repulsive caveman who is tempted by some vulgar primal instinct. I don't want to date another woman because of the shame I carry. I don't want to a date a woman who isn't a virgin because it makes me want to vomit thinking about being with someone with a sexual past, just as my own sexual past makes me ill to my stomach. I can't fathom how people just dust it off their shoulders as if it didn't happen. How could someone possibly respect me as a partner knowing I so easily gave away something that was for them alone. Someone will say I need therapy, but I will never get therapy. Utterly useless. This is just one of the many things that drives me insane on the daily basis, far from being the worst, but what I had on my mind at the moment. I am convinced that I am going to remain depressed and remain suicidal. I don't want to go get better, because I don't care to get better. Nothing anyone says will push me in a different direction, I am horrendously stubborn. It comes with be a miserable idiot I suppose.