I’m writing this as someone who has just pretty recently realized how mentally ill they are. I’ve never gone to therapy/talked to anyone professionally about my mental health, but it don’t think I need a professional to tell me i’m mentally ill when I contemplate suicide regularly.

I guess I don’t know if I have bpd, because I haven’t been diagnosed, but after hearing about it on tik tok and doing some research, i’ve never felt so seen before. I feel like these articles are describing me.

Lately it just feels like life is too hard for me. Like I’m somehow not meant to live, not built for this. Last night I was going through a pretty bad episode and constantly kept asking God how he forgot to make me, a human, with seemingly the most important skill: the will and drive to live. Aren’t we as humans supposed to want to preserve our life at every chance we get? If this is true, why does the mere thought of having to live feel impossible? 

Every time i’m suicidal I immediately think of my mom. She’s the closest thing to unconditional love I think i’ll ever experience in this life. She can’t lose me, especially like this, she’s too fragile &amp; it’ll break her. Then, I think of how selfish I am. How I have people who love and care for me (parents l, boyfriend, a friend or two) &amp; how that’s still not enough for me. Why do I want to die this way if I know it will seriously hurt people? 

My “fp”, as i’ve seen it described as, is my boyfriend who is so so so patient beyond measure; I have no idea how he does it. If I didn’t have him I just don’t know what I would look like right now. I constantly have these drastic changes in mood where i’m completely fine and happy and then i’m suddenly crying, yelling at him, filled with so much confusion and anger. When he’s with me i’m okay. Maybe because i’m not left to be alone with my thoughts. But when he’s not here and i’m alone, life just genuinely feels unbearable.

My mind just feels so fucked up right now and I just can’t see how I can continue to live this way.