 I have this awful habit of thinking that I am cursed to never get what I want. Am I depressed because I have the wrong attitude that keeps me from getting what I want ? I do want to label my depression as bad luck. I would like to take responsibility and continue working on myself if I only knew what I am doing wrong. If anyone had a similar experience and managed to escape from constant failure I would like to know what you did. In order to explain what is going on I need to tell a very long story.

I am 27 years old and I live in the Netherlands. Have always had a sense of dread looming over me. As a child I had an abusive dad who did not allow me to have negative emotions since he did not want to take responsibility for anything. Got severely bullied at school and beaten at home, for no good reason. I kept moving more than 10 times, was even homeless for a while and never got to develop social skills as a child. Physical and mental pain was the only thing I knew. And I always believed it was my fault when I got beaten. One time I burned my hand while cooking and my father got angry, beat me and kicked me out of the house without given me a chance to put cool water on it, it was even a Sunday so the doctor's office was closed. I had to do everything myself and if I got any kind of personal problems I received tantrums instead of help (like when I burned my hand). A therapist concluded that I was a neglected child. In high school I managed to get some friends but no friend group, I was people's left over acquaintance. I did not my mind since for the first time I had friends even though I rarely got invited for anything and some treated my really bad but I did not know better, I assumed this was the best I deserve. In high school I was a terrible student, did not know why but I used my time their as a place to get fun since I couldn't get it at home. Still had to do everything myself, learning to ride a bike, learning to shave, did not know how to study or prepare things. In high school I was still severely depressed since I still lived on egg shells and still got bullied and beaten at home for nothing. Often got long speeches from my father how I have a despicable character. Took me long time to realize that my treatment at home was not my fault and I did not deserve it (was around 24 when I realized that). Never got any recognition that I did my high school well even though I barely had elementary school and a reading disability due to the lack of school as a child. At 15 years old for the first time in my life two friends wanted to drop by at my birthday but my sibling didn't want it since "we don't do those things" while he had a large group of friends. He is still friends with them after more than a decade. This developed into a crooked world view, if I saw an ad at school or any opportunity for something fun I assumed in my subconscious I was not the target audience. This I did until I was 25.

After high school I managed to get into the top university of my country. Finally lived on my own at 19 years old, my parents didn't even bother asking where I lived. Could barely afford it, asked my parents for some money sometimes, just enough to buy minimal groceries, did not eat warm every day since I did not want to bother them. Still had the attitude that good things are not meant for me and stayed depressed and lonely. Dropped out of school since my depression kept me from studying. And here is where I changed my world view even though it still took years to realize it. I went back to the same university since I was desperate for a better life. Nothing changed.... I did not eat any junk food, went to the gym, became extremely disciplined, overcame a masturbation addiction that crippled my energy levels, worked several nights a week. I still believed that the good things in life weren't meant for me. All my hard work was fuelled by the fear that my life would always be filled with despair. I managed to graduate with a master and learned to be social. I became more and more confident in my abilities and learned to be extroverted and daring.

But still I tried to connect with people but kept failing. I had a good friendships but as soon that person did not needed my help I get ignored. If I invite people to do things I hardly get a response at all. I only talk with people if I start the conversation. I tried to get dates since I was finally confident in my looks after all the time spent in gyms and failed. I was labelled by a female roommate as one of the nicest person they ever met so I assumed there should at least be one person that likes me back. Now I am trying to get a job but have been living in someone's attic for a year with no social contacts and no success and the idea that good things are not meant for me is back. I graduated in a STEM field from a good university with a skillset that is supposed to be desirable by employers, my peers immediately got jobs and I can't even get to live on my own. Past year has been a void of despair. Worst year in my life so far. I keep getting more disciplined and engaged to get to the next level but things only get worse.

I keep asking how much work do I need to do to get at least something in return? I keep looking at other people's lives (bad habit I know). How even things that would change my entire live comes so easy to them. Like having someone text them, show interest in them, getting a job, being loved by anyone, having a home etc. My therapist told me that I am too demanding on myself but I do not know what else to do besides looking inward. I no longer go to therapy since the therapist moved and I was actually treated for an anxiety disorder (hypochondria) caused by my childhood which I overcame. I can only work on myself not on others. Even after all this if I knew a direction to get out of my endless despair I would do everything I can to go there but I am at a loss. I tried really hard and I am still at the same mental place where I was as a teen or child. Just me alone watching other people's lives and day dreaming all day since I have nothing else to do..... as usual.