
It's me again... I'm just wanting to write and read to my sweet baby and share how important she is. I'm just seeking support and recognition, especially as this trial has put on another octave of depression I haven't felt in years. To the commenters and readers, thank you for your time and help! 

I want to give some context for her importance and how my kitties, including my current kitty going through this disease, helped me out of my worst depression in my life. When I said previously that my sweet babies saved my life 7 years ago, it's not for rhetoric. I was in the darkest hour of my life thus far, and my kittens served as a beacon of light in that darkness. When my other kitty passed from heart failure, it was just me and her. We had each other. And she stuck with me through thick and thin, the most loyal and loving creature on this planet. 

Tonight I heard back from the veterinarian doing the bio test on the tumor, and the news... was expected to an extent, but deflating too. The tumor in my kitty's belly is a little larger than a golf ball, it's pressuring her stomach, liver, intestines, and pancreas. Her lymph node is swollen. So we officially heard what type of cancer, and she has lymphoma. It has struck her quickly and aggressively. Just a few months ago, I took her to the vet for an exam, and the doctor did a thorough check. She just had dental issues that we addressed, but nothing out of the ordinary, I expected the teeth issue because she's had it in the past. But no belly bump, no growth, nothing. This hit her very suddenly and quickly, and it's a huge shock to the system. 

I'm still going through grief, but I feel so numb and worn out. The endless crying this week has made me into a statue of emptiness, a shell one could conclude. It's finally seeping into my fibers that this really is the end, and I'm unwilling to accept. But I know it's fruitless to deny. This lymphoma will be the end of her, the end of an era where I was recovering from the trauma and depression of my past, the end of the sweetest I've witnessed. Fuck it hurts so bad knowing this, I still wish this was just a dream. 

I'm laying in my bed trying to remember any of the plans I had in the future, but everyone of them involved her. Whether it's a possible job change, trying to find another place to live, or go back to school for a certification or a JD, she was in the picture of my future. Now all those plans are scrapped, and I don't know how to proceed. 

My baby, I'm trying to figure out my life and it's been difficult as is... I don't know how to proceed without you. I hear you groaning after you wake from a brief sleep, and I wonder how I can fix this so you don't feel this anymore, so we can go back to normal... I just want to hug you to my chest and tell you it will be okay and believe it... I don't know how much longer you have honey, but the vet has prescribed us enough medications for a week. All I'm asking for is 7 days more, that's it. But do not hold out for me, when it's your time to go, I'm confident you'll let me know in your own way. 

In the meantime, I want to share more of the things about you that make me glad you're part of my life. 

Me adopting you was as spontaneous as it got you know? My sibling and I were just wanting to visit the shelter to see some kittens and puppies. But I remember as we walked around an older lady came in with a kennel filled with mewing floofs and the staff helped her put them into other units for viewing. Talking with the lady briefly, she fostered these little kittens, and they were ready for adoption. There was at least 12 different kittens she took out and I remember spotting a rambunctious little thing that was climbing the gate and meowing loudly. This little explorer was you! I just remember thinking, that little thing is a fearless, curious, a determined fuzzball. 

In that moment, I knew I wasn't going home empty handed. I reached for one of the staff to inquire about you, and since they were just brought in and we happened to be there, no one else had seen you yet. I knew I wanted to keep you the second I found out. When I said this, the staff suggested I select two because there was a season deal that would provide free vet visits, microchips and vaccines if you adopted two kittens. I looked around the enclosure and saw other sweet kittens, but I deferred my judgment to foster mom. I asked her which kitten you played with most, and she directed me to this small, white kitten hiding in the corner, and I accepted her too. I chose you and your best friend, and it was poetic. You two were so different, but I could tell you took lead because your courageous behavior, she would just follow your lead after. 

This was especially evident when we got home and got us situated in your first room. When we unlatched the carrier, you ran out like it was your duty to explore this foreign territory. You went around sniffing and running around in this new environment, taking on this new challenge with ferocity. Meanwhile your sister was much more cautious and struggled to keep up with you, because you were so ambitious in your adventure. We had to coax your sister out and make her feel welcome, while you just made yourself at home. I knew right away that I made the right choice with you two, finally realizing that you were a darker kitten (Snowshoe) and your sister a lighter kitten (Ragdoll) that you both were the emblematic Yin and Yang. 

That first night, you just wanted to leave the room to explore the rest of the house. When I opened the door to get into the hallway for the bathroom, you ran right past and tried doing just that. Your little escape artist tendencies were evident right away! But once you finally settled down, you were the first to come lay on my stomach. And naturally, your sister followed after. That first night I went to bed with you both snuggling me for warmth in the cold house from winter weather. Now I'll be honest, I didn't sleep peacefully that first night because you and your sister treated my body like a jungle gym for you two to play around. But I eventually found sleep and woke with you two snuggled on my side and at the time, it was the happiest I'd been in so long. 

That first night and day, I was so scared of the responsibility I would take on with you two. I dealt with it for weeks, but I reminded myself of how I felt holding you both that night in my arms. I relish that feeling especially today knowing this era is coming to end... the first time I meet you and your sister keeps replaying in my head, reminding me of simpler times, but also my bond with you. Ever since that night, you and your sister have been my priority every day. My focus, perspective, and personality changed that day and continues all the way until now. The last 7 years, you have been my pride and joy, the light guiding me on an uncertain path, and the main reason for my existence. I've existed to care for you, and most of all, cherish the love I have for you. 

I have not and will not forget that feeling I had that night when I realized that I'd become your dad, and you'd become my fur baby. I'm so honored that I get that title and that you were there for me. Moments like these, I feel so damn lucky to have made the decision to go to the shelter that day, at that specific time, and be present as the exact foster mom brought you into my world. I'm so damn grateful I was in that place, at the time to have met you. I would've never known just how important you'd be in my life. 

To end this night, I want to say I love you so much sweety, and I'll be here in the morning to give you a good morning kiss! And of course, I'll feed you as well!