It makes no sense to me that I can't help myself.


I had strong communication skills, I was able to share my feelings but ever since my diagnosis I've retracted from all social interactions. I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to share; now more than ever given I've lost interest in anything I used to enjoy. 


I don't recognize who I am nor do I like myself, and no matter how much I try to change little bits of myself to try and be happy about myself, and what I do - I can't. I am a performing, smart, good looking person who can't get over the fact that my perspective is stuck to "you have a flawed brain. You are flawed, always been and always will be". I've gone through DBT, psychotherapy, I've gone through medications. I've been thinking about drugs to self medicate, try and change my perspective... but I don't know what to do anymore. 

I'm no longer sure if I even want to help myself or let my life steer as it pleases. I feel okay with the thought I'm slowly digging my trail of death. 