My life is starting to look like a war zone. Nothing but ash and smoke. I could't handle a 4 month relationship without having a BPD breakdown 1 month in and it was basically over by the 3rd month. So I made a Tinder to try to move on. Hit it off really well with someone, then after two days of texting, having not even met!, I destroy it with my possessive, pathetic tendencies. I am not cut out for relationships. I am not cut out for friendships. I am not cut out for this life. I cannot handle this disorder. I can't even get to the point of MEETING people before I destroy the damn thing. I hate myself. And give me one fucking reason why I shouldn't? I have no friends. We feel unlovable inherently. HOW CAN I NOT? I have no one. NO ONE. And I destroy everything that comes my way. How can I not feel like I will be abandoned when EVERYONE LEAVES? These aren't paranoid dellusions. They are reinforced by 22 years of abandonment, destruction, and feeling unloved. I HATE THIS DISORDER. I want this horrible fucking life to be over. Is it a life? It's nothing by hell. A roller coaster of pain and suffering and I want to get off. No, I'm not actively suicidal but I honestly cannot help but think about it. I hate this life. I have tried everything and nothing helps. I feel destined to be alone. Please, spare me the advice. I've heard it all before. I just needed to vent. I'm sorry. 