Hello, there, dear folks,

The past three days were not good. So low, feeling shame, guilt, diminishing thoughts, the usual. Thoughts of suicide creeping back again. Today the Sun is shining, literally and figuratively. The joy was so crisp at my midday walk, I wept in exhilaration. But I fear the coming down again. I used to think the higher I soared, the more painful the fall. Now I cannot afford to believe in such delusions. The pain will come back. It is the wheel of samsara. But I cannot allow this knowledge to rob me of my happiness again. Year after year, I feared to feel good, to be happy, to display joy. I feared the curses of the immovable hearts of the stone gods my parents helped me built around myself. The gods are never forgiving! They are never satisfied! Until you drop on your knees in front of them and offer them your bleeding heart, and even then they will judge you ruthlessly! Pathetic! They scream. What are you happy about? What is you sinful, pitiful joy in the eyes of the cold, cruel universe? You deserve to suffer, and suffer only!..

I will own to my joy. You cannot stop me anymore, you vengeful gods of the past! I will not allow the fear of tomorrow to ruin my now! I am happy now, and you can't take that away from me anymore!