22 M , Unemployed, Crippling drug addiction to benzodiapines as a result of my panic attacks. I dont feel anything anymore. Im just numb all the time, I wanna cry so badly but I cant an idk why. I've been this way since 8th grade when a girl rejected me and my life stopped faster than a kamakazi pilot. I know, I already sound fucking pathetic but please let me explain. I am a pathetic loser but have you ever looked at someone you have no idea who they are and you just fall head over heels for them. That was me, except my crush was a nerdy book type that kept to herself and was always quiet. I dont know why and I cant explain it, I know how fucking stupid it sounds but I was a socially dumb kid. My parents pulled me out of school alot and I never got to have a 'normal' childhood. Years later I've achieved nothing but ruin my GABA receptors and smoked pot. I dont care or want  a relationship. I just want to die knowing I will never have a family or kids. I will never have a intimate relationship. I will never be successful or achieve my dreams. Yet im too much of a pussy ass coward to take my own life, I told my mother "I dont care if I die or end up in jail or homeless" and she said Good for you. So there's my family dynamics. Both Mom &amp; Dad are just sad little dictators in their 3 bedroom 1 bathroom government house sheltering 10 people. I feel like this will never end. I just want out.