i had a mental breakdown after hosting a birthday party for one of my friends and it driven me into another depressive spiral. It can be extremely frustrating feeling so many emotions all the time internally and no one really seems to notice. I guess that is kind of the point, not wanting others to see you struggling, but it feels invalidating when a lot of your BPD/mental illness is not visible. Any social event ive attended ive felt so invisible and  worthless to be honest. I feel like anything i say isn't important or interesting. I dont know if its the crowd i was around, or its really just because of how unlikable I am.  its little things that i notice the most, like when i am speaking they dont look at me or acknowledge my presence at all. all of events like this have been fueling my social anxiety at school and makes me want to avoid interacting with others.

I desperately want to stop feeling so lonely, uninteresting, and unimportant. my last boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me and was toxic to life. the guy i liked used me and still was in love with their ex. all my friends are in relationships.  i won't be able to graduate on time from college. in 3 years i can only call 1 person a true friend here at school. i want to have more friends but don't know how to approach others anymore. i want to be in a good and happy relationship but i attract shitty guys who don't truly see me as a person.  sometimes i feel good about my appearance until i go online or out in public. it feel so hopeless right now. im tired of being unhappy everyday.