This is my first time writing about me online.I usually don't like being open and sharing personal stuff with strangers, but I guess this is also why I'm so alone, pushing everyone out in order to have this wall of protection between me and the rest of the f\*ing world.

Not sure why I'm doing it now, maybe because after months / years of being "ok" (and by ok I mean apathy  and kinda depressed) I relapsed into this rollercoaster  of emotions which I had forgotten, and maybe writing all this can help me to find a meaning in my life and make some order in my mind. In order to avoid writing a book here I'll skip the background and go directly to the day where everything went down.

The downfall started one saturday morning when I was a teenager. My parents wanted me to go shopping with them but I didn't. I remember my father starting screaming that I should get up immediately and get dressed, but as a "rebellious" teenager, I stood my ground.He then entered my room, took some of my things and smashed them into the ground. I insulted him and he left but came back 30 seconds later holding a knife."I will kill you", "You are not my son" are some of the words that are still ringing in my had 12 years later. My mother just stood there, didn't say anything, probably was in shock but at the time I  hated her for not having done anything to stop him.He then entered the room, with the knife in his right hand and that look full of hatred in his eyes, I pushed him away and escaped but went back a couple of days later hoping that he had calmed down, and was only just a moment of stress.

From that day I wasn't the same person anymore, other things had happened before but this episode was the climax of it all. I always had troubles going home from school after that, where I had to meet my father who always reminded me that I wasn't his son anymore, that he was going to be my "father" until I graduate from high school and not any second more after it. I also started having suicidal thoughts and to isolate myself even more from the other people, and reached a loneliness that I couldn't even imagine before.

Fast forwards to a couple of years into high school and my fucked up mind started doing damage: I somehow still wanted to die and I'm not sure if I just got used to the idea. It was easier to live if I put a deadline on my life. Nothing mattered anymore, since I always thought that in the end I'll just die. But at the same time I knew it was just a thought, and everytime I just found an excuse to push the deadline a bit further, until one day I met this girl, Marta \[*Invented name*\].I was really an asshole with Marta, there was a girl which became my fixation before her and even if I never actually cheated on her, I  didn't even try to hide it that I wanted the other girl more, until I realised that I was hurting her and I left her... just to come back after a couple of weeks because I felt alone but something had changed: when I saw her something hit me. I still don't know if it was because of BPD (I didn't know I had it at the time), but it's the closest thing to what I imagine true "love" feels like and I never felt anything even remotely close to that anymore.Useless to say that in the end I made the same mistake again and she finally got the strength to leave me and for me was a shock, because I had finally realised what I was losing. I couldn't stop thinking about her, and ended up writing her multiple times per day at the level that I'm ashamed to actually admit it, but the bigger shock came some months later, when I found out that she was dating one of my best friends. That's when I completely lost it. Even now, after all these years it still hurts as if it happened yesterday, when I think that they are still happily together and I'm here, alone and sad.

After a couple of years I went to seek professional advice and that's when I got diagnosed, but left it in favour of smoking weed, which was the only thing that was able to quiet my mind until the paranoia kicked in and then I switched to alcohol until that also caused problems.Now I'm 3 years behind schedule to my bachelor degree after having changed university, even if I was the one helping my class mates with the classes they were struggling with and they already finished their masters. I started not feeling anything, at all. Just passing everyday as the day before, with no new experiences and will to do anything, just sitting and staring at a screen and only leaving home for work until recently I met a person, and for the first time in years I was able to open myself up with her, but when the old storm of emotions appeared again, the one I was able to lock behind a wall of apathy and depression my mind still got the best of me. I didn't learn anything even after all this time and she became another obsession which made me lose her too.

Never felt so alone and hopeless as I am now. I made it impossible to other people to get close to me because I can't let go of that shield I made to protect myself and protect the others from myself since when I do, I f\*\* up everything.