Or even where to start.... I guess right into it.
I’ve had a boyfriend for over a year and trust me, it’s been a long ride. He’s seen me at my worst and still stayed, so I know he loves me dearly. But the thing is he lied to me really hard. And before I go any further, I understand he’s had feelings for people other than me in the past, I’m not upset because of that. He’s a human being. But I honestly don’t know if it’s my BPD induced jealousy issues or abandonment issues that made me so upset to find out he’s told his ex girlfriend the same exact things he’s told me. But it’s not really that, it’s the fact that he lied about it. And he would lie about it on his own, it’s not like I was like “Hey did you ever love your exes?” He brought it up himself in the past about how he’s never loved anyone but me, how he’s never talked to anyone so personally but me, how he’s literally found nobody else special but me.. just all these things. And I came to find out it was a lie. And I’m not saying he wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone but me about these problems, he literally didn’t know me in the past. He’s dated a few others girls, it’s just the fact that he lied about it, and all this fear and anger just hit me at once. I always say my BPD is a voice inside my head and it flared up so bad. Why would he lie to me and make up stories like that? What would he have gained out of that? And when I confronted him, he kept not responding or going “sure” “okay” “cool” and then stormed and tried to get his keys and leave, and ended up saying he “gains nothing out of this.” “He’s sick of how I act.” And I understand people with BPD are so hard to deal with at times, but you don’t just ... say that? I guess? He’s allowed to be angry at how I act sometimes, but sometimes he just says stuff when he’s angry about how he’s sick of me and my BPD and it hurts. Because now it’s stuck in my mind and I could literally barely sleep. He ended up staying but now I wake up and my mind goes back to it. My BPD makes me very overdramatic and such, hence why I ranted so hard on this subreddit. I guess if you read this long post all the way, I just need advice? or comfort? because things people say or lie to me about stick in my mind for so long and it sucks. I don’t know if my mind was searching for something to be upset about, because god forbid I have something good before my BPD tries to twist it.. I don’t know. 