I’m stuck on feeling like I’m broken. or not broken enough if that even makes sense. This year has been a year of failures for me. And honest‬ly if it weren’t for therapy I’d be in a much darker place than I am currently in. 

It pains me to think that it all aspects of my life, it’s all gone to shit. Whatever that could’ve gone wrong, went wrong. Said I love you too late, not even knowing even until now if I meant it or even capable of meaning it. 

Tried and failed and tried and failed and keep on having my hopes raised for something that I know won’t happen career-wise.

Worked desperately hard for my tests and did so fucking horribly. It’s hard to ignore. That whatever I try hard to be good at it just doesn’t work.

Even fucking friendships. I can’t even have a genuine connection with people without fucking scaring them off. 

It’s so fucking annoying and I hate myself so fucking much. I’m so fucking exhausted. “Wow I wouldn’t know how to be if I had those thoughts!” Right from my therapist’s mouth! On top of that, I’ve still been unable to get a proper diagnosis. 

I can’t see anything right now. Nothing perceptible, insightful. Just fucking wishing that this pain will stop. That I’m not me. Not this fucking series of failures.

Yes I fucking know that your worth is how you respond to failures not the failures themselves. But oh my FUCKING GOD I’m filled with so much anger and resentment towards myself. 

I’m just so tired. And disappointed in myself.