I am going through a rough year. Actually every year is worst than the last.

I don't have a dream. Like a dream job or direction. I just... exist. When I was working things were fine I had a routine at least. But I cannot find a job for the past 4 months. My physical and mental health is declining fast. Sometimes my left side goes numb and nobody knows why. If i don't schedule it, I forget to shower.... I only have online friends who are trying to help but I just can't "absorb" their help and love. I feel vacant. My previous 2 relationships ended "amicably" meaning me forgiving them what they did for the sake of "peace". I still talk to both of them every once in a while. I'm such a doormat. A yes-person to the bone. 

I have no money for therapy even though I am 100% sure I have lots of issues. Money is running low in general, I'm about to lose my apartment. I see no light at the end of the tunnel anymore. But hey, I give amazing advice to other people! Ironic isn't it. I'm just full of dark thoughts. My family knows nothing of all this I am very good at masking. They are pressuring me about work but they don't understand that I'm trying... I'm really trying so hard... I'm applying to 10 jobs a day at least! In my country and abroad! I just feel so useless. 

Honestly if it wasn't for my pet who I love too much I would have ended things. 

Last week I was traveling by bus and I kept wishing an accident would happen so that I would just... be gone.