I've spent most of my life pretty socially isolated. Some of that was my fault and some of that was circumstances. I really became the odd one in my preteens and my social image never truly improved past that. 

Despite being openly commented on as strange by people around me from an early age, I've had a lot of normal social milestones. I was a part of school organizations, I had relationships in my adolescence and adulthood, I went to parties during the ages that parties were a thing, I've been steadily employed since my teens and I actually tend to climb ladders at workplaces. But I don't make friends. 

It's not for a lack of trying. I was involved in a few social circles from highschool to my early 20s. But I never got past the outer ring. Often the situation was that I was welcome but not desired. I never hung out with any of the other members one on one. There were also some more extreme experiences. One group collectively decided I was not likeable (partly my fault), and I found out a couple groups only tolerated me to have a punching bag.

I thought my issue might be self confidence. I've dealt with depression my entire life. I grew up with a lot of self loathing and self doubt. I've overcome a lot of that in recent years. I think I enjoy myself a healthy amount, and I'm somewhat proud of the features that make me different now. 

But I haven't seen any improvements socially. I've had bad experiences, so I try to be more cautious and have higher standards for people I try to befriend. I meet up with people online, I'm a part of organized social groups in my city, and everyone I've met these ways is nice. But the meetups never progress beyond the first, and I'm still unable to connect with anyone in my groups, and I've started to feel much more drained than usual when I try to be social. I used to be okay with just trying. Now that it's draining, I don't feel like anything is worth it.

What's worse is that the people who are around me are ones vocal about not liking me. My partner has a couple friends, and they occasionally mention that they don't understand why he dates me, or say he could do much better and that dating me is embarrassing. 

I don't have any friends myself, so this is the only perspective I hear, and it makes me feel undesirable. I left my most recent ex because they treated me like I was beneath them. I know my current partner loves me, but I can tell he's disappointed, and sometimes when we talk about our social lives he can be judgmental and belittling. 

Sometimes I think I'd be better off embracing isolation. It's scary but it would be less draining, I could focus on improving myself, and I actually like spending time alone as long as I don't feel judged for it. Burning any bridges and just hiding by myself sounds freeing to some extent. Maybe some people are meant to be alone.

But people call that lifestyle unhealthy. I know I'm depressed, and I'm prone to suicidal ideation, so I don't want to walk down a path that will make it worse. I'm so tired of being thought of as weak, and I don't want to prove anyone right by offing myself.  

Can you be alone and okay, if it seems like that's what is best for you?