We had dated for 2 years before, gone through some stuff that was really hard (his dad dying, my parents divorcing). We broke up and it was really traumatic but after a year apart we ended up getting back together and I was so happy I felt on top of the world and like this time, things were gonna work because we had survived all that hard shit previously.

We were together this time for about 9 months. We argued some at the beginning and he has a problem with getting close, he felt uncomfortable saying “I love you” and this bothered me because I knew I never stopped loving him from the first time we dated.

Things weren’t bad. We had literally had a pretty fun night, I got off work, came over and we went to the deli to get cheap dinner. Laughed and talked about our days while we ate. Went back to his place and talked with his roommates while they cooked dinner, joked around etc.

I decided to drink some wine cause I had a hard day at work and I’m thinking this is where I got riled up. I just don’t really handle booze the way I used to (I hardly drink and when I do I get really emotional or make stupid decisions).

I had 2 glasses of wine, he had one beer. But for me that’s a lot more than I would ever normally drink. Anyways, he brought up how his friends bachelor party is coming up in July and I instantly got annoyed and made some stupid comment about how I hoped there wouldn’t be strippers there. (I have a huge jealousy problem). He said something like “I can’t control it if there is. And I wouldn’t do anything.” (Fair statement on his part).

Except, I wasn’t being rational and said “well if there is a stripper there, than we should just break up because we are never going to agree on this” and then I got up and drove home.

I didn’t mean what I said. I know that sounds sos unbelievably shitty, but I wanted to get him riled up? Well, we talked on the phone when I got home and he said he agreed that we should break up and that we don’t agree on anything, we tried it a second time and it just isn’t working.

I told him I didn’t mean it and I was so sorry and he said I pushed him too far this time. I asked him if he had been thinking of it previously and he said he hadn’t, until I brought it up.

So now I feel like I can only take all the blame for this and it’s really hard to handle. Our break up was devastating last time. I drank and did a bunch of drugs and slept around I was so depressed. I loved him so much and thought about him literally everyday. Thinking of going through this all over again makes my stomach turn. I don’t want to lose him, but I did because I can’t control my fucking actions.

I know he has his own intimacy issues and hasn’t had a lot of relationships that have been more than 2 years (he’s 42 and I’m 26). Our age difference has never been a huge issue other than he has trouble connecting and him saying he wasn’t sure if he loved me always did make things hard. Obviously, we both have issues. But at the end of the day, I think he loves me and I was always okay with that deep down because I can see it when he looks at me. Yeah we aren’t perfect but no couple is. We made eachother happy and he wasn’t just my boyfriend, but my actual best friend.

I’m trying to leave him alone. I’ve already tried begging for him back and professing all my love but that stuff just pushes him away. I have this feeling in my gut that this just isn’t the end of things yet? And that he will change his mind? He said he isn’t going to and I need to stop thinking that.


I can’t help but feel so incredibly guilty that if I hadn’t ever said that stupid comment, we would still be together. Has anyone else ever done this and lost their significant other for good? How did you cope? What do I do now?