Before I get started, I am 16 years old. And I have not been diagnosed with BPD. 

For context, I haven't been able to get professional help. But I already have a feeling that I have BPD. 

The past month has made me question my will to live. My abandonment issues are dragging me down.

I just want professional help. I just want to know what is wrong with me. But I'm so afraid.

I'm afraid that if I do end up with BPD, then I won't be able to get a job or get a love life. I'm afraid that my mom will blame herself constantly. I'm afraid that I'll get treated like some sort of crazy person.

I'm afraid that if I get help, I'll get sent to a mental facility. I'm afraid that they'll keep me there for weeks. 

I'm so freaking afraid. 

My mom doesn't believe in mental illnesses. She doesn't think I need help.

But I do. I feel myself driving closer and closer to the end. And I'm not even trying to be dramatic.

I just want to be normal again.