I am a functional person. 41 female.

I’m about to graduate with honors from a top national law school. I am witty and personable. I have never had any legal trouble. I have never used drugs. I don’t even drink except on rare occasions.

But I feel totally empty. I have no answer when people ask what I do for fun. I don’t ever have fun. I never have. My ideal existence is to sleep maybe 12 hours a day and lounge and watch TV the rest of the time. I don’t ever want to do anything. I would stay in pajamas 24 hours a day and never leave the house if there was a way to make money doing that.

I do not maintain any close relationships. I find myself boring due to my lack of interests. 

I argue with people on social media.  Not bullying or insulting people, but pointing out to people why they are wrong. It’s pointless.

I get really affected by small things, like negative interactions with retail or fast food employees. A negative interaction can bother me all day.

I do not put much effort into keeping my apartment up. I have never had a “decorated” living space. I clean up if someone will see my apartment, but otherwise there are just boxes and crap all over the place.

I have few good habits or daily practices. I have no routine.

I feel totally aimless. I have no idea what I want out of life. I feel incapable of being happy.

I have no idea who I am. I have felt deeply flawed since I was a child. My efforts at self-improvement do not work.

I am obese and diabetic. I binge eat candy and sweets. I want to stop but can’t.

I am really unhappy. But it feels normal and comfortable to be unhappy. I can’t imagine myself being happy.

I’m very mediated. Gabapentin, Pristiq, Adderall, occasional Xanax. But for what? 

I can’t find a single therapist who takes my insurance and is accepting patients. But that’s okay, because I’ve had a dozen therapists over the past 17 years, and it never results in any insight or improvement.

So I just wait to die I guess? I don’t get what the point of this is.