I started having a manic break from reality in November and my then boyfriend (who is also bipolar) was helping me through it, saying I was amazing, promising he’d always be there and I could 100% trust him. I told him I didn’t fully trust him / anyone, and he over and over reassured me that I could and that he would prove it to me. 

But then his friend died, and he broke up with me over text message, with no reasoning besides “I can’t talk about this right now”. Later he said a thousand different things, ranging from Im incredibly selfish and didn’t care about him to i am way too good for him and I deserve better because he’ll never be that person. He finally settled on the classic “I just don’t love you anymore” reason. 

But in the mean while my mind was broken and I couldn’t think or feel anything clearly. I couldn’t stop myself from calling him and went back and forth between “I love you more than anything and I’ll do anything to be with you and everything about this situation is my fault and you did nothing wrong” to “you were always a selfish asshole who used me to take care of you and never supported me and treated me like absolute garbage” and literally everything in between. I even convinced myself he was fully abusive and had sexually assaulted me, which is a complicated scenario but definitely messed up by my mental crisis. 

I was obsessive and crazy and just absolutely horrible to him. And when he said that he just didn’t feel romantic love towards me, I had accepted that. I even took comfort in it, he broke up with me just because he stopped loving me. That felt good. 

I’m on new meds and stable and stuff, and I really wanted to give him back this present he got me because I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away and it hurt too much to keep it. And during that conversation I asked him when he stopped loving me, expecting it to be before we broke up. But he said it was a month later or so after I’d been harassing him, and if I hadn’t done that he would still love me and there was a large chance we would be together now. 

And that absolutely killed me. I’d already been dealing with the crushing guilt of a manic comedown and reaching out to everyone I hurt, but now I know that he stopped loving me BECAUSE of it. And I don’t blame him, I never expect forgiveness when I treat people like shit. But now I know that my mental health has killed another one of my relationships. 


I wasn’t even going to include him in my “forgiveness list” because I’d accepted that he just didn’t want to be with me and nothing I did would have changed that. But now I know, and it feels awful. I’m also kind of mad because he’s bipolar too, and he had an episode and hurt me so deeply, but I forgave him. And he doesn’t fucking care what my reasons were, he fully doesn’t love me anymore, he can’t and won’t forgive me, he never wants to speak to me again, and I caused that 

He wasn’t an incredibly boyfriend and broke up with me at the worst time and in the worst way possible, but I was still obsessed with letting him know that I was here for him and that he could always rely on me. He was going through his own bipolar related stuff, and I needed him to know that I loved him and he could always come back to me and I would forgive him. And honestly, I still would. But he doesn’t, I killed all the love he had for me.