tw: self harm, ed and possibly neglect 

freshman year of high school i was struggling with a lot. i was recently diagnosed with bulimia and hated myself and my body. i was being bullied at school every day (town of 2000 people and i moved in for high school, everyone knew each other and i was the weird new kid)

i found those toxic tumblr pages that glorified self harm and it triggered me (i was probably 13/14) into relapsing into self harming. i did it in the morning before school. my mom had already left for work and my dad was still home asleep. part of it was not wanting to go to school, i’ll admit that. but i also felt relieved after. i woke my sad up and begged to stay home because i couldn’t face the people at school.  he got very angry and told me i was going if he had to drag me into the front door. i asked for bandaids and he grabbed my arm and took me to the kitchen. he wrapped paper towel around my arm and duct taped it around my arm to hold it in place and kicked me out, made me walk the mile and a half to school. 

i was humiliated. of course everyone knew what was under a forearm length makeshift wound covering. especially when it started to bleed through the paper towel. 


so many teachers saw it. only one teacher in one of my last classes of the day pulled me aside and asked what happened. and then sent me to the guidance counselor. and then from there the psych ward. 

shout out to that psych ward btw for deciding to treat my ED and undiagnosed bpd with GEODON, an antipsychotic that caused me to gain 80lbs and experience dystonia 

no point to this post, i just needed to get this trauma id blacked out until hours ago out of my head. i guess i do wonder, was that neglect? that my father did? 

thanks for reading as always. i’d also like to make a disclaimer that even tho i used to glamorize self harm, i don’t now - and i’m sorry if any of this came off that way.