1st time posting here. I would love to see a different perspective and opinion because my view is clearly skewed. 

Since I was a child, I have had these extremely bad days once every other month. During these days, I feel hopeless, numb, empty, fake- you name it. I dream about jumping off a building. Instead, I used to self-harm or overdose to distract myself. 
I'm about to become 30. I still have the impulses, but now I'm better at controling them (it's super tough, but I still manage.) I binge eat or just sleep through the tough moments. 

These low moments decided to attack me 3 days ago. I snuggled under a blanket and waited for them to go away. But my suicidal thoughts were spinning around, so my impulse to distract myself started to pile up. I called my boyfriend, who is a very kind and understanding person. I swore when I entered this relationship that I won't manipulate him or control him as I did to my exes. He's also far from toxic, unlike my exes, and I simply didn't feel the need to do it. 

I asked if I could come by for 30 minutes. He said of course, so I did. He understood I was in a bad mood, so he stroked my hair for good 15 minutes without a word. It calmed my heart but the impulse to self-distract was still bubbling in the corner of my head. 

I asked him if he felt sad if I "go." He seemed sudden. I explained to him I won't do it, but I needed to hear his answer to battle against my thoughts. He said he would feel sad, and he really started to worry about what I said. I quietly vented to him my inner monologue about my entire life feeling fake. He listened to me, again without saying anything, but showing me his affection. But he continued to express his worry. He asked me if I was okay. I clearly wasn't, but I said I am okay. 

I decided to go home. He asked me if I wanted him to come home with me. I said no. I told him to focus on his work instead. He didn't come with me. And I was pissed- I was pissed he didn't resist coming home with me, and I was pissed myself that I was pissed by that even though I refused his offer. He texted me later that night to call him anytime when I needed. All I could say was I was fine because I didn't want to bother him. Since then, he hasn't reached out to me. It's fine. I told him not to worry. But also I can't help he doesn't love me enough if he doesn't rush to my home to make sure I'm okay. If he says he wants to die but says he's okay- I don't trust his words, and I probably run to his house to make sure he's not gonna die. I'd do the same to my best friend. I started to feel frustrated. Why am I saying I'm okay when I'm clearly not? Why am I trying to soothe his worry when I'm on the edge of killing myself? If he's so worried, then why can't he just run here already? And why am I still trapped in this unhealthy equation after all these years of working on myself?

I seem unable to resist this thought process that's been my pattern. I can't help feeling like people either don't take me seriously or are colder than I think. "If someone doesn't bash in my house to ensure I'm okay, they don't care about/love me enough." I'm not threatening them with suicidal thoughts, but every time I confess my feeling, I feel like I am actually threatening them. Like I'm craving attention. Maybe I am now, but when I'm in the midst of a low feeling, it's a "sincere" suicidal thought. And now I feel more fake.

I really want to break this vicious cycle. Anyone can relate or bring a different perspective?