idk there’s no other way really to put it. i’ve literally been completely unable to feel happy for him. i definitely want him to go visit his other person! i want him to be happy and not feel forced to stay with me just because i’m dependent on him. it’s just rough because i struggle to sleep without him, &amp; it would be our first halloween alone together if he wasn’t going, which is tldr a weird trauma thing for me. 

again i don’t want to ask him to stay — i love him and i want him to go have fun and visit whoever he wants to visit! i don’t want to force him to stay or make him feel bad for going, or try to seem like i’m trying to guilt trip or manipulate him into staying.

we both pretty much know that i’m going to be drunk or high the whole time he’s gone, and i have been getting high every time i feel upset for the last week or so, and to avoid me falling into a dependency or addiction he wants us both to stay sober for at least a week when he comes home, which i think is a very good idea.

he knows how torn up i am and he also knows i want him to go. he knows about my issues talking about my bpd thoughts (i always get worried that i sound manipulative or seem like i’m guilt tripping). i’m honestly just looking to see if anyone has better coping mechanisms in mind than weed and alcohol.