TW: arachnids

This is only sorta about bipolar, but I don't know where else to post it, and I need to vent. I have very severe arachnophobia, and a combination of weather things mean that this is the time of year where you get a lot of spiders indoors, and this season has been the worst I've ever seen. I live in a 100+ year old house, so it will never be possible to really keep out bugs entirely, and no, I can't move.

Over the last couple weeks I've had multiple above-average-scary encounters, including one where I was lying in a dark room recovering from a migraine and one descended onto my forehead. The night before last, I had taken a bath in the middle of the night because of pain, and when I got out and was sitting down to towel off, a spider crawled across my bare nipple. I screamed in a way I don't think I ever have before. Then last night, I needed another bath, because it's my only recourse for this particular type of pain, so I decided to use the other bathtub in my house, which is part of an enclosed shower, as opposed to the one I usually use which is a freestanding clawfoot. I figured the walls would make me feel safer. Welp, after maybe 10 minutes, a goddamn spider crawled right out of the overflow drain.

At this point, I don't feel safe anywhere. I want to peel my skin off. I want to die so that I don't have to keep doing this. I keep wondering if I'm in hell, and I don't even *believe* in hell, but I don't have another good explanation. There is no place on Earth that doesn't have spiders, and where I live is extremely low on ones that are actually dangerous, so I can't even take a vacation, even if I could magically afford it 😂

Nobody really seems to understand how I feel, and I'm just so tired 😕

Shout-out to my cat Ana, though, for responding to me screaming by guarding me like a statue for hours, biting any people or other cats who got too close! She's not letting them hurt me! Lol