Over the past 8 years I've been losing close friend after close friend.  Mainly because of how I acted when abusing my old medication.  But also because I somehow say things that shouldn't be said or avoids a filter.  I don't know.  My best friend and my ex won't ever talk to me again.  I made new sorta online friends that I relied on way too much and then they also have disappeared.  I'm guessing because I can be too much sometimes.  So ever since I lost those two close friends I over compensate with every possible new friend.  I have one local really good friend.  I'm afraid to call him a best friend because I feel like soon enough I will say or do something that will end that friendship as well.  But I'm even finding it harder to just talk to people online.  I want to but I keep making these mistakes and boom I'm back to where I was alone with my cat in my room.  With the quarantining I was always used to being a hermit but lately it feels harder to be this way.  I really hate that I keep doing this.  I'm so lonely and tired of hating who I am.  I'm my own worst enemy.  I feel like I can't make new friends because of this.  The fear of saying something wrong is taking over how I used to naturally act around someone.  I don't know what else to say, sorry for the rant.  I just don't know what to else to do other than being alone for the rest of my life.  Thanks for listening.