After struggling with mood swings, impulsive behavior, the emptiness, the drug use, the non existent sense of self, the shifting of my self image, the way my face changes shape to be uglier when I look into the mirror for too long...

and the obsession over romantic relationships, it has become clearer than ever that I have BPD.

I’m an addict for love. All quarantine I didn’t really talk to any girls like that, and I was waiting for college to start before doing anything like that. I was so happy that I didn’t let myself get obsessive about anyone.

And then, BAM. I met a group of friends today and got a girl’s snapchat. She showed some interest, she was friendly, and that was all it took. It was better than the rush from any drug I’ve done when she texted me first at 11 PM. Good god, I felt so damn good.

Then the worry came back. Not even 30 minutes after I texted her back I got into a total spiral of worry about if she didn’t like me and then imagining us together in a bunch of scenarios. It hurts me so bad that this happens whenever I meet someone new. Now I’m just sitting here, semi-panicking because it’s been 45 minutes since she texted me and she hasn’t texted back, even though she probably just went to sleep. But even if she just totally lost interest, I still know that I will be okay without her. At least I understand that on a logical level, but in my heart it hurts. It partly hurts because I know the desperation turns people away and that just leads to me being more desperate, and on and on.

I’ve been through this cycle a million times with a million girls and I know it like the back of my hand. It fucking hurts so bad, longing for someone for no good fucking reason, no logical reason, just pure stress and terror.

Please tell me it’ll all be okay. Please.

TLDR: Didn’t talk to anyone for months, was happy I could be on my own, then met a girl who showed some interest, got the biggest dopamine rush ever, and proceeded to crash into worry about losing someone I hardly know.