hello everyone. i’m at a strange part of my life. i’m an adult with real adult problems and expectations. my bpd symptoms are relatively well-managed (compared to before now) and i’m in a stage of self-reflection. it’s hard to tell if i’m truly recovering or just feeling sorry for myself. 

one of the biggest things i’ve struggled with in bpd is unstable relationships. i was a popular girl in high school that had many friends and now i have 2 or 3. i wasn’t popular for being smart or athletic—i was popular because I’m attractive and opened my legs to anyone that showed me any sort of attention. i have single-handedly destroyed nearly all of my relationships and friendships because of my lack of accountability. being unstable and dealing with severe childhood trauma probably didn’t help :P

there are a few people i can think of specifically where i wish i could apologize to them. i wish they knew that i feel remorse and always cared about them deep down. i had a wonderful friend throughout my preteen and teen years that i lashed out to so many times she ended up ghosting me. i’m a recovering addict. another good friend ended our friendship after me continuing to relapse despite him picking me up and supporting me time and time again. my first love is someone i still talk to…but there’s definitely tension between us. i ended up dumping her for her friend. there’s several people i stole money from to support my habit. lies about staying clean. there are many more examples.

i spent years thinking that they were all the issue. but the saying is true- if you smell shit everywhere you walk, check your shoe. it would be awkward if i reached out to any of them since things ended on a bad note and i’m not sure if they even want to ever talk to me again. i can’t just be like “hey yeah sorry for traumatizing you, turns out i was a mentally ill anorexic junkie!” so i suppose i’m just gonna ruminate on these thoughts and eventually move on. i suppose some advice would be appreciated but this is mostly to vent.