With everything going on in the world this all sounds so stupid but I'm not able to quiet my anxiety on this at all. I can't focus on anything else. My mind is racing with all of the germs and bacteria that could have been on that mat. It's the first time in over two years that I've done anything indoors with strangers. I know this is my fault, 100%. I know I can't go back in time, I just feel so stupid. This was like a huge step forward for my anxiety, as I've only ever worked out from home but it was so hard for me to even focus on the class because I was using a used mat. The idea of flesh eating bacteria and scabies raced through my mind during the class. A part of me felt like leaving in the middle just because I thought I couldn't handle it, somehow I stayed but I was very conscious of what part of my body was touching the mat the whole time. The thing is I even own a yoga mat but I spilled red watercolor paint on it so I was embarrassed to take it with me. I already researched the studio and knew they sold mats, the minute I got to the studio I told the girl working there that I wanted to purchase a mat but she talked me down from it. She was very kind and noted that it was very pricey, it was sweet of her to not try to sell me they're more expensive mats but I was willing to pay for it and I really should've insisted. 

Luckily, most of the class was done standing up and they require special socks that are purchased to use their mats, this made me feel better that no one bare feet was ever on those mats but still, I'm horrified with myself!! I made it a point not to put my face on the mat nor my hair. I hand sanitized the second I left the class, made sure not to touch my face on the way home, threw away the clothes that I wore (knowing I can now never use them again), sanitized my phone, and took a shower the minute that I got home.

I'm scared that I caught some kind of bacteria, I just feel so gross despite taking a shower and can't relax at all. I feel so angry with myself for having done something like that (most people even without anxiety/OCD wouldn't dare be so carless as I was.