Short vent while I'm on break. Just started a new job and I'm going to be pulling several 8 hour shifts this week.  As a pwBPD and ASD its just a lot and I'm not sure how long I'm going to be able to maintain this retail facade. 

I almost had a panic attack in the start of my shift today it felt like everyone was judging me and looking at me. I'm mostly okay now but damn that fucking sucked. 

I'm going through a lot of emotions regarding my ex, I don't love him anymore but he cheated on me so many times. I was shitty and controlling and manipulative in response which was horrible and not right of me. I am still affected from what happened for 8 years and I just don't know how to feel better. I feel guilty, but I also feel like I've been hurt too, and it is so confusing and draining. 

On top of that I've started self harming. I've been having worse rage outbursts. I'm scared and sad. I don't know what to do.