I've been in a depression for few months now. Taking therapy but not helping at all. I'd have multiple things bothering me. Just letting it out here, I feel like I'm a lost cause by now. 

1) Work phobia - I've worked my ass off for 4 years and took it more seriously than I should have. Fucked myself up and from then, even smallest of works make me anxious. I thought I'd take a break and it's been 4 months. In all these months I became weaker (next points) and now searching for a new job is making me so anxious and restless. I lay in front of the laptop for the whole day and couldn't finish 15 min of my resume work. My everyday feels like I'm sitting in a room filled with things I fear the most and I'm locked. 

2) Thought loops - My mind just keeps giving me negative thought loops about myself (self doubting and sabotaging thoughts pulling myself down) and my last few months were filled with fighting with them or cooling myself down from those thoughts and anxieties. 70-80% of my day would go in this and it makes me fucking tired.

3) Lost all interest in things and happiness and am always dull, even with people, even the closest ones. Started to get social anxiety and started to fear conversations or just spending time with people. I feel like I'm zero, with no opinions, dumb, not matured, boring, etc.... And this fucked up more with my confidence. I've always been very smart, creative and peppy guy before this started but now feel I'm the exact opposite.

4) Relationship - I've been in an online relationship with someone where we got emotionally close. She was distressed and anxious and I used to be sweet and caring with her and that's where I felt atleast occasionally happy. Eventually seperated but that's not something that bothered me. In this process, I've developed a lot of insecurity on myself about being with a woman and also about sex. But as caring for partner was the one thing that made me happy, I crave for an emotional relationship but with all my insecurities, I feel like I'm nothing and I won't be enough for someone. This makes me anxious so often and I can't watch movies/ go online as everything started to trigger me with this anxiety. Also above fears make this even worse.

5) Myself : Over time I feel I've programmed myself to be kind and caring for others and did everything that'd make them happy/impress them. I have this confusion on if it's all real and I can't really find the true 'Me'. It's not even like I do things I hate, I just started liking things that makes others happy. But it's all very confusing to decode as I feel all this is just to impress people and feel happy about it and not actually caring for them. This makes me hate myself saying I'm fake. 


With all these, I feel like I'm stuck in a box of negativity and depression and anxiety and can't get out of it. Been trying many things myself too but nothing is helping. It's been beyond tiring. It seems all fucked up.