Hi everyone. I just returned from a 20 day fieldwork trip, studying monkeys, in rural Texas where I was living with just two other people. Everything went well for the first two weeks but the last week I made so many awkward comments and made dumb mistakes like leaving the car door open over if Jt and forgetting to wear my mask or turn on my radio. I could sense the project lead really getting fed up with my incompetence and he gave me so many disapproving looks. The worst part was the constant socializing, which is difficult for me, so I end up just saying things without thinking, like almost debating abortion in the middle of a bbq is a conservative Texas area. The look the project lead gave me when he said this topic wasn’t appropriate just like shattered me. 

My field is extremely small and up until now I’ve been so reticent around colleagues and quite quiet and just polite, but there was so much drinking during this trip that I just became so uninhibited. I feel humiliated. I feel like I’ve tarnished the reputation as a quiet, intelligent young researcher that I worked so hard to cultivate. I feel like a complete failure and wish I could just disappear without it being suicide. I just want to reverse time. I have racing thoughts and can’t stomach any food. I think I need to go to the hospital but I have so much to do at worm and our professor will be upset with the project lead if he realizes that for some reason this trip sent me to the mental hospital.

Help!