I was depressed for about a year and a half and have been a lot happier for the past few months and I considered myself cured. My motivation came back, interest in things, just all the emotions that were reduced were coming back. I was less angry. My appetite returned. I could feel the difference.

But for a few weeks now, I've been getting hit with an intense wave of self loathing and urge to self harm at night time, when the whole household has gone to bed, which is the case right now as I type this. Sometimes I feel that way during the day but it's usually less intense. 

I didn't want to admit it but this is the depression coming back isn't it? Maybe it was never really gone. It was just dormant for a little while and now it's waking up to say "hey, you thought I was gone? LMAOO clown". 

I really can't stand my face, my hair, my personality. Those are the things I hate most about myself. I hate that I'm a joke to people. I hate that I'm a fucking loser. I hate myself. I want to cut myself up.