I'm so sick of being alone, I'm so sick of all the ghosting and abandonment over and over and over and over and over and over and over again - people of all types do it to me, whether they're acquaintances or those I thought were close friends or people I've deeply loved. Why do you show initial interest in me if you don't follow it up??? Why am I always the one inviting people and no one invites me??? In person you're so enthusiastic and friendly and chatty and as soon as I say "hey I'm free this weekend if you wanna hang out!" All I get is "sorry, I'm busy" or "Seen" with no follow-up. It's like pulling teeth trying to hang out with someone. I get ghosted by people I interact with in real life on a regular basis. At this point I feel like I have no close friends. Nothing works, I don't know how to talk to people anymore. It's wrecked my self-esteem, social confidence, happiness, drive, hope. People whose opinion I respect have told me I'm attractive, smart, talented, kind, yada yada yada, every positive trait in the book. If that's all true then why does NO ONE want to talk with me and be my friend???? 

One of my roommates is a "friend" I've had for 6 years, someone I used to consider a close friend and do lots of things with. He just stays in his room all the time now and I talk to him through text more often than real life now, even though we LIVE TOGETHER. I've asked him how he's doing and he's said he's struggled with depression himself, so I've asked him multiple times if he wants to talk about it, and he's said no. Are you kidding me? After 6 years of friendship we can't talk about our feelings with each other???

Another "friend" tells me his 10-year relationship with his girlfriend ended. I give sympathy, tell him I'm sorry, ask if he wants to talk about it, and he says "well what is there to talk about?" Seriously? 10 years with someone you loved ends and there's nothing to talk about??? This is the closest I've gotten to him opening up about any feelings to me. And he's someone I thought was one of my close friends. This is someone I see EVERY FEW DAYS and he basically doesn't talk about anything with me outside of jokes, small talk, life updates, etc.

I've got love and friendship to offer and no one wants it. Wouldn't everyone be craving human connection more after covid???

Usually the solution to this is to seek therapy. I keep trying and trying. I saw a therapist near the end of college through the university, then I graduated and don't have access to their health program anymore, so I have to find someone new. Two years ago during covid I contacted countless therapists over and over again, none of whom took my insurance. Finally find someone who does, have 2 sessions with her and turns out she's abusive and a bully. I quit that, that experience turns me off wanting to find another therapist. Finally try again earlier this year - I have a couple sessions, then don't receive a follow-up appointment. I call the health center and leave 3 DIFFERENT VOICEMAILS on 3 SEPARATE DAYS, no response. I try seeing another health center last week, I have my initial appointment, then the therapist tells me they only cover up to 6 sessions and they're booked until 1.5 months. So I have to wait until October until I can start therapy for 6 sessions, then start all over again. 

What do I do??? I've been excruciatingly lonely and depressed for the last 4 years, and there's no end in sight. It keeps getting worse. In the last 3 years I've dated 2 people for a total of 3 months. I don't have a community or group of friends anymore. I used to laugh all the time and don't often anymore, aside from the awkward conversational laughs I do to hide my social anxiety. I've tried so hard. I keep trying and trying and trying and nothing seems to work. I try my best to be friendly, to be positive, to be kind, to be supportive. No one cares. No one talks to me. I'm so sick of it all. I'm so sick of trying over and over and over and over and over and over again. Is it me??? Am I the problem??? Is it the city I live in? Is it just bad luck? Is it my genetics? Is it how my parents raised me? Sometimes I just want to die.

I have no siblings, and no other relatives lived in the same city when I grew up, so I don't feel close to any of them. It feels like the only people who love me are my parents. Who's gonna be there for me once they die? They don't have many friends themselves, am I just gonna follow in their footsteps? I wish I had a brother or sister so bad