My ex and I broke up 3 months ago. We were together for only 3 months but he became my fp fairly quickly. Our relationship became tumultuous by week 3. For the most part I blamed it on my past relationship with my abusive ex so I thought eventually, I would work past my issues. Eventually I ended the relationship and regretted it soon after. I told myself that I would fix me before reaching out again and finally, I received my diagnosis and have been working on improving myself. 

Yesterday I pushed myself to message him. I remember him saying that if I worked on myself and came back to him, he think he'd love me more. It had been 2 months since he said that but I hoped it still held true because I still loved him.

I've spent 3 months working on me, not talking to other guys or sleeping around. I focused on me. The end goal was to try again with him because he was what I needed, what I wanted. 

I wrote him a long message explaining about my diagnosis and giving him more clarity on why things went wrong, and that I was improving. I dreaded getting a reply from him because it would solidify that he just didn't want to be with me regardless. He said no. He said he didn't think it would be a good idea. I haven't cried. I've just been feeling extra numb. I know a quick way to get over an fp is to find another but I don't want to be stuck in this cycle. I don't want to find another fp, it is mentally and emotionally draining. 

Now I need to start detaching from him. I wish I could erase all the memories and words said. Every time I start thinking about him, about us, I feel overwhelmed with dread, anger, regret, sadness. I want to scream at him, I want to cry, I want to punch something. But instead, I clench my fists until my nails dig into my skin. 

He doesn't deserve that negative energy directed at him but I am angry. I tried so hard, I wanted us to work out. I wanted to marry him. I need to scream in the middle of nowhere, take a breather and let go.