TW- adverse experience after the vaccine, not because of the vaccine but because of PTSD/antivaxx family. If reading about a bad experience with a vaccine might upset you right now, please skip this post! TL;DR: I ended up being completely fine after my first dose but my upbringing has really messed up my head about this. 

I scheduled my first dose at the end of a housesitting gig so I wouldn't have to be with my family. I knew it wouldn't go over well, but I hadn't anticipated how bad it would be when I told them. The conversation before I left for the week was horrible, my mom completely sure that the vaccine would harm me and that it was a hoax and that I'd even be better off getting COVID because most people have mild symptoms, etc- you've heard the antivaxx talking points by now I'm sure.

Something about having my parent be more terrified than I already was made me fall all the way back into that old mindset of everything being this big hoax and nothing being safe or as it seems. I cried when I got my first dose, and when my side effects (fever, fatigue, muscle pain, increased heart rate) came up I couldn't shake the thoughts of the awful things I'd been told were going to happen to me. It was really hard dealing with my side effects alone and knowing if I talked to my parents about it, they'd be even more scared than I was.

My grandparents eventually took me in. I got really sick with my CPTSD/anxiety symptoms and was having daily panic attacks (mostly regarding the conversation and the trauma of having grown up feeling so scared of everything) to the point of having to get on anxiety meds for the first time, and I was so convinced the vaccine was going to kill me or stop my heart or give me a blood clot that absolutley nothing could calm me down. I felt awful for a week and I'm 100% sure it's because of my anxiety. I nearly went to the hospital; I just couldn't get the thoughts out of my head no matter how safe anyone reassured me it was. Eventually my physical symptoms passed and I was able to think straight again and breathe (yay!!) but the experience was honestly hell. I was truly living minute to minute, barely hanging on and feeling like I couldn't make it, like this was it. I'm so happy I made it through but I have no idea if I'll get triggered again this time, and it's really hard to see myself powering through if it does, but I know I have to!

I'm still with my grandparents, and I'm going to have to get dose two, which I know is supposed to be even worse, but I'm hoping the lack of, y'know, traumatic conversations right before will make it easier. Anyone with stories of making it through their vaccine or just some support would mean a lot to me!