i have an issue with my life right now basically. this may be tmi, but i am a teenager and i do masturbate. as i was growing up, 14-16, i did it a lot. especially when i was 15, i couldn’t survive without it. i dated a guy from high school that i shouldn’t have been dating, anyways, he barely gave attention to me, but i loved him. he gave me the sexual attention i wanted too, but that was once every few weeks. around the summer, i was lonely and bored with nothing to do, and that was when he ghosted me completely. i masturbated quite often, but one time i did it, i bursted into tears. i just started crying, every time i’ve dated someone it became unsuccessful. i was always lonely, never had anyone to love me in person or online.

fast forward to now, it’s gotten worse, basically everytime i do it, i cry. i dated someone for a while this year and was basically my ‘dream person’ i’d say haha. they left this year and now i’ve never felt more lonely. i have rarely anyone to talk to online too to comfort me or anything so, i don’t know. masturbating now has just been a depressive episode. while i basically orgasm, everything just starts happening, and i get into a suicidal mode, and i’m not even thinking about how much i miss someone or even how lonely i am. i feel the worst i’ve ever felt after i masturbate and i can’t feel joy it seems like. i don’t know why i’m crying when i do it, but at least a little backstory helps.

sorry for the long essay it seems like haha.