BPD sufferer  here obviously, had it for as long as I can remember really....or at least knowing I was different even if I didn't know why at the time. My life has just been one giant fucked up mess; abusive narcissist mother, father that was always busy working to keep up with mothers spending and very little other family. Bullied and alone as a child, abused (sexually mentally and emotionally) and tossed aside by every single past "lover". And lately it's just all crashing down on me.

I have zero friends. Not a single, solitary friend. The only person really around for me is my boyfriend. And that's part of my problem. You see I fell in love...deeply in love with someone in the navy, and we want to be married...spend  our lived together...but he's getting transferred to Okinawa, Japan for three years before the year is up....and we don't even know if the navy will let me come when we marry so I can be with him....I hate being alone, I fear it. I get so panicked and distraught that I can barely function properly, and he's all I really have. We are long distance as it is with me in idaho and him in west virginia....but Japan is a whole other story. To top it off my disorder has gotten so much worse, I've never been on medication, only diagnosed. Over the last half year I've self harmed, withered and seriously contemplated suicide because I'm so lonely. Everyone I thought were friends all left when my previous ex and I split, my SO is the only person I even really have and the thought of having to live three years without him....8 hours time difference  and complete countries away devastates me.

I feel so hollow, so empty and cold. It's very hard not to fall back into my drug problem just to be able to cope and feel a fake happiness even for a few hours. I'm barely struggling with not quitting my part time job due to my inability to cope and i just...I can't seem to function right like this. Being alone like this just breaks my spirit so wholly I don't even want to wake up most days, I'd rather be dreaming of someone and happiness than living alone...