Well I f*cked it all up, all for the sake of wanting to be validated, all for the attention. Alright this is going to be a long post. 

BACKGROUND:
Don’t want to give exact age information to protect my identity a bit but I am a female in my mid-20s, partner (M) is in his late 20s. We’ve been together for many years. 

Our relationship was rocky from the start. Him being my first I was completely toxic (overly jealous, possessive, abusive and manipulative), somehow he stayed. He is my high school sweetheart and I don’t want to loose him. Things got better generally, as I learned about my BPD and started to go to therapy. 

Generally I’ve always been extreme in my emotions. I’ve self-harmed since my teenage years as a way to let it all out when it was too much. I stopped for a couple years now (well kinda). I never attempted suicide but have came close many times. 

I have very few friend. One actually. And then I just have my SO, my parents and my sibling. Outside of my SO no one knows about my BPD, so I don’t have a strong support system. 

With that background set let me jump to where it all started...



SUMMER 2019:
SO and I had to spend a few months apart this summer. Long distance type of thing. I was fine with it... until I wasn’t. 

The 8+ hours time zone difference and our respective schedule made it very very hard to keep in touch at the frequency I needed. He was working when I was free and I was working while he was free. After a month of me setting alarm at 3AM every night to call him, and many tears (yeah the separation was way too much for me, but I couldn’t just go back and we couldn’t visit each other. And you know it was “just” for three months), I needed attention. 

Cue for my good-looking (f*ckboy) coworker (M40+) to start talking to me. I’ve known him for years, always found him attractive and I know he was always into me. It started out innocently with texts. He has a girlfriend after all so that us just being friends right? He would talk with me until 3AM at which point I would call SO. I was upfront and told SO about the texts and he was fine with it. Then we went to the beach together. SO knew about it before hand. But that’s when it all slipped.

It started with a hug, his arm over my shoulder, him playing with my hair, sweet talks. Few days later after we closed the shop, we kissed. And few days later after a party he came to my apartment at 6 in the morning and  we went all the way. He talked about us being together, him never having felt this way before and blablabla

I loved the attention, I loved the idea of being together, I loved it when he would say that he would choose me over his gf if I came to live around here. I loved every moment with him.

I craved him. He was my drug. I would be like a kid on Christmas morning going to work knowing I would see him. As soon as the work day was over I would cry, every night without fault. I was riding every wave of high only to crash at the end of the day. I was miserable. I put him on pedestal and he could do no wrong. Stopped texting me every night once we started having sex? Fine. Flirt with other girls in front of me? Fine. Stopped being all sweet? Fine. Made me cover shift for him? Fine. I accepted everything as far as I could get these few moments with him.

And then we were in September and I had to go back home... 

FALL 2019:
He went no contact on me. For 4 months. Not a single message, nothing. 
I was in the worst mental state I had ever been. I wanted him, I needed him but all he was doing was making me feel abandon. He was leaving me.. what about the sweet talks? What about the “I want you forever just for me”?
SO was very understanding (no i didn’t tell him) he gave me the space I needed. 

I honestly didn’t think I would make it. I would fantasize about killing myself daily, I just wanted it all to be over, done forever.


THIS WINTER:
I got to see coworker again. You know what I did? Exactly what he wanted, I fell right back in his arms. 

I felt like I was watching me doing it. I know I had control over everything, we always do, but on the moment I felt like I didn’t, like I was just watching me making all those stupid decisions...

What stupid decisions beyond cheating on my SO? Oh well I agreed to do a sextape (which I am now mortified will get out), I let him take lot of nudes pics of me, I removed my birth control ring (yes in the hope of getting pregnant by him, without his knowledge, and no thank the lord it didn’t work because I don’t know what I would be doing with a kid, I can’t even take care of me), I started drinking daily, ...
 
I had two mental breakdowns in front of him, one facilitated by alcohol. He was sweet and tried to make me feel better. But he was also very clear that I was “a slut and could never be seriously with someone like me or trust me, so I shouldn’t get attached to him” (his words). Well soon after he did say that I was more that just his fuck buddy so I don’t know what he wants.

We went our separate ways again.


NOW;
In a moment of my mind being cleared I realized that I was a terrible, terrible person, not deserving of SO’s care and attention, and definitely SO deserves much much much better than me. So almost 3 weeks ago I broke it off with SO. He said that he had been thinking about it too and that it was the right decision.  He is doing good, and it makes me feel happy while killing me a little bit inside. I asked him why he was so fine and he calmly explained that he didn’t need me to be happy, that sure it sucks to lose me but that his happiness is not just me. And yes it hurt like hell to hear that. I didn’t tell him about everything that happen because I know it will completely destroy his self-esteem and his trust in women. He doesn’t deserve either. What happened wasn’t his fault or any other women’s fault, so he shouldn’t question himself or doubt every women on earth because of me. 

So here I am, I have lost both the people I care about SO and coworker (who is back to his good old no-contact way). I am feeling like the worst person on the planet. I stopped going to therapy cause I honestly don’t find the energy to do it, and what the point? I started self harming again and keep on drinking. I am crying myself to sleep every night and also when I wake up in the morning only to realize that yes I am very much still alive. I am battling with suicidal thoughts daily, I just want it all to stop. I can’t help but tell myself that I should’ve done earlier before all of that so I wouldn’t have hurt anyone. My already really limited support system lives far from me so I am alone. Completely and utterly alone now.

So yes I know I am a bad person, I need help, I am acting/acted crazy, this is karma, this is what I get for what I did, I deserve it, I deserve to have lost both, I deserve to feel this way, I know all of that, I remind myself of that everyday. But I just don’t know what to do anymore. So if anyone has a tiny bit of encouraging words to send my way I would appreciate it.. 

Thank you if you read up to this point, this was a long post...