I had a very traumatic childhood. My father who also had an extremely traumatic childhood (grew up in poverty, with substance abuse and found out on my greatgrandmothers death bed that his sister was in fact his real mother) was the angriest person youve ever seen, my mother has narcissist tendencies, she was an alcoholic my whole life and only cared about herself and still does. We had the step mother from actual hell for the last 10 years of my father's life and then he died unexpectedly when I was 25. As someone that had such a terrible childhood I always used to say to myself  "I can't believe I made it out of there unscathed", little did I know. I had not dealt with any mental health issues before then except I did have anxiety here and there. But within days of my father dying I completly changed. I fell into a hole I have never been able to get out of. I'm writing this post bc I am straight up digested with myself and I am lost on how to have any forgiveness for myself. The last 10 years have been a bomb. I lost the goal of my career or care to work, I never seeked out any real treatment for my depression, allowed countless losers in my life, spent my inheritance on staying in bed bc I couldn't do life, letting my looks get away from me, and now I'm working a dead end job when I went to a top 40 university and hold a masters degree. It's so scary what depression can take from a person. BTW I'm also a chronic weed smoker to disassociate bc I simply cannot face what I loser I feel like. I'm currently seeking a therapist but they are hard to come by right now. I have a lot of life left and I have time to change things around but it's confusing. I'd be starting a career over at 35, which is possible and I also know I need to quit weed to at least face what it has ultimately had been hiding from me. But how do you forgive yourself for allowing depression to take so much from you and mourn who you were supposed to be? It's seems like a unreachable task. And what if I never turn it around, what happens to those who don't