posted on like 2 other subs but im so desperate for answers/advice/thoughts and it’s pretty much entirely bpd related because im fucking crazy lol

tldr: i had a messy breakup and now i don’t know what to do because they’ve changed so much and i no longer know where i stand or what i should do. 

i’ve had three serious relationships and they all had the same blueprint. i wasn’t really interested, they confessed, i gave it a shot, i fell in love, my mental illness(es) (depression, anxiety, bpd, the full works) hurt the relationship, messy breakup, they end up hating me, the blame falls on me (though to be honest they weren’t angels either by the end of it). 

all of my exes were (imo or to the best of my memory) really sweet and innocent and i really truly loved them but after the breakup they all changed to the point where i don’t recognise them anymore. like it feels like i didn’t even know who they were, and now that i see them again (irl or on social media) it’s like ??? were you always like that? were you like that when we were together? 

i don’t know if it’s worth mentioning but all of them relied on me in some sort of way wrt mental health (talking them down from panic attacks, helping them figure out how to handle anxiety/depression) because i’ve had a shitshow time with mental illness so i handle it well and i handle their breakdowns well but when it comes to my breakdowns, they can’t handle it no matter how much they promise to stay or stick it through with me. i can handle myself but it most often means shutting down and well consensus is that people dont really enjoy being shut out (which i completely understand). 

am i just fucking these people up like i’m so guilty for what i’ve done (breaking up with them or generally allowing my mental illness to ruin the relationship) even though i rationally know that they didnt exactly do everything right either. 

what hurts the most now is that i still very much love my most recent ex and i know leaving them alone is the best for them, but i still really want to work things out and i want to tell them that i’m really fucking trying my best to be a better person for them but they’ve changed so much like i don’t know what to do anymore because it seems like they’ve moved on. but the last i remember we agreed we were on a break. i really dont want to reach out and ask them about it when i’m not ready yet bc then it’s just another round of hurt for them and if they’ve already moved in then i should just stay away. i’m really just i don’t know i already hate myself enough i don’t know what else i can do to punish myself or let them know that i really am sorry for how things turned out.