Hi all

I’m on day 3 of sobbing and pleading every time she unblocks me

I don’t know why she keeps fucking unblocking me it’s like it’s a god damn game to her to hear me saying everything I loved and miss and all the good in our relationship and how one fight and bad night shouldn’t mean the end and that I love her and then her saying oh we’re going in circles and there’s the poor me guilt again and this is hurting me and I’ve been crying for two days and you hurt me

And she said yesterday she loves me and has loved me for years and that doesn’t disappear and now she’s being so fucking cold to me and I’m so so fucking upset 

And like she says I disregarded her consent and made it all poor me when what happened is I told her, word for word, “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a few days you know” as she was leaving cause she ignored me asking for touch or a hug or kiss in the days prior and instead of saying not today or no not right now she let me peck her on the lips

I knew she was uncomfortable after so I tried to apologize but she made it into I took advantage of her and disrespected boundaries and consent and I WAS JUST HAVING TROUBLE ASKING yes it came out as me blurting out the phrase as she was leaving the car but it wasn’t a god damn demand and she didn’t say she was uncomfortable at all though I know that isn’t her fault or responsibility 

I’d been feeling so down and depressed and needy for touch since starting my adhd meds (not off them) and I’d asked so often and I just needed a hand to hold or something and I didn’t mean to hurt her but I apparently did and it’s absolutely tearing my soul in two

Anyway I had been feeling suicidal for the few days before (new meds did me so dirty) but that night after we fought my brain was reeling (not the fight’s fault though, the thoughts were already there and strong) and I needed to go to the hospital because it wasn’t going well at all and I was terrified and didn’t know where else to go to get help, and I hadn’t been telling her how I felt because she was busy and ‘couldn’t deal with feelings rn’ and I didn’t want to upset her or bring it up during/right after that argument but I told her I was sorry and loved her and that I had to go to the hospital after we’d talked about her taking a little space

I just wanted to let her know and she immediately took it as attention seeking and guilt tripping and threatening my life and said I hurt her and that this was appalling behaviour but I wasn’t doing anything to manipulate or guilt trip I felt so bad for what I did that morning I didn’t realize it was going to upset her so much and I just thought it would be so much worse if I didn’t tell her I was going to the hospital and she found out later

She used it as a reason to leave me but then she keeps unblocking/blocking me and either being cold and calculating in her words or saying wow you’re doing it again and making it poor me or (but this ended yesterday) saying she misses me and loves me and listing all the things she loved and would miss about me and keeping me on the hook

But then she says she’s a bad person and ‘you made it clear this is my fault’ and ‘the relationship had more bad moments than good’ and ‘well I’m a negative person of course I’d only see the bad’ even though that’s not true and I’m so frustrated and upset I didn’t do anything with any intention to guilt or manipulate her and it breaks my heart that she processed it that way

I didn’t even get an in person talk about this

She told me she felt triggered by the morning the last time we saw each other in person but I got so emotional when trying to explain how it got to that point and she said I was putting blame on her when I wasn’t and that she had no room to air her feelings even though she’s the reason we stopped talking in person cause she said ‘I’m uncomfortable bring me home’

She sent me all our creative writing yesterday and said to continue them alone or with someone else and it’s like I have ‘full custody’ and I’m so fucking hurt by all this I don’t even want to look at our stories or think about life without her

She was like ‘this hurts me too I’ve been crying for days and I haven’t been able to talk to anyone and irritable’ and I was like YOU LEFT ME I HAVE BEEN CRYING FOR TWO DAYS AND I WAS IN AN ACTIVE MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS WHEN YOU LEFT ME. 

And then apparently it’s poor me again. And guilting. But it’s the fucking truth. 

I hate thinking of moving forward I just want to stay in bed and curl up and shrivel into nothingness

I was supposed to start T today, and she was so excited to start the journey with me and this is fucking KILLING me because I see the bottle and think what’s the point of trying to be happy at all because she took my happiness with her and before Wednesday we were light and she was smiling and we were spending time together and now I’m garbage just tossed to the side like I mean nothing

Sorry for the vent I’m just in a terrible place and I don’t even know where to fucking begin because I’m in love with her and she just left me with ‘no you love the idea of me’ before blocking me ‘for the weekend until I get home’ which isn’t fucking true I’ve been with her through her suicide attempts and sleepless nights and all her episodes and I’ve loved her through all of it. I almost failed the semester trying to make sure she was okay and happy after a full crisis last month despite the toll worrying about her continuing to be alive took on me. I feel so worthless, like nothing I did or do mattered at all and like I’m unlovable with any of my flaws. 

I’m so tired of feeling and thinking I just want it all to stop

If anybody has the emotional capacity to talk to me or read through all this, thank you