I (31f) get like this where I have to rip apart and destroy everything I've built. My self harm is fucking up my life in some way.

My bf (31m)is really good at making me hate myself. He will gas light me and bring up my past. Throwing it all in my face.  Slut shaming me cause I dated a lot of guys. He's is really good at bringing me down.

He does a lot I don't like. And I've invested a year and a half into this relationship.  It's not a healthy one. He deleted guys from my Facebook.  Which I could care less about  but he adds girls and tells me not to worry.   I've caught him talking to other chicks  . Deleting the messages.  It hurt my trust. 

I dont know what to do. I want to leave but I'd be living in a garage. I want to stay cause he is handsome and I think I'd miss him. Like leaving a big mistake and I should fix it. 

He got drunk one night. I asked him to stop screaming so I could get some sleep.  He told me to fuck off that he was going to do what he wants.  So I went in the room and slammed the door. I vented my anger NY screaming fuck you.  He then came in smashed several holes in the wall.  Threw shit at me. And proceeded to sit and beat me down for 2 hours. Telling me I am a shit person.  Who cant take care of herself cause of depression.  It was horrible listening to him.  I wanted to kill myself after.

So here I sit. Conflicted and confused.  I'm trying to list the good things about the relationship but I cant. 

Tldr: My(31f) bf (31m) is verbally abusive and makes me want to kill myself.  The relationship is toxic and I don't know if leaving is just my self harm or if its the logical thing to do.
