I had only been seeing her for a month. I knew her for about a year and a half but we got very close about a month ago. I was doing my best to not let my bpd take over and to internalize my symptoms and to cope without help, as she already deals with her own problems. She was good at helping me and she was good at showing me what it's like to be cared for. over the weekend she was taking high doses of xanax and drinking alcohol. I was worried, but she said she would be fine and she was with family. I didn't get a lot of communication from her until monday morning when she said "someone in class saw my cuts, im going back to inpatient" which gave me anxiety all day. her friend then texted me from her account and said her mom came and got her and took her to the hospital. I tried not to let it get to me because i knew she was safe and getting help. I worked a shift that night, 5-10:30. strict no phone policy, so i can only use my phone in certain situations like using the bathroom or getting stock from the stock room that has no camera. I was getting stock at about 8 and she texted me and said "hey" i was like oh my god im so glad you're okay. she said "i have something to tell you" and i said is it bad? she said "we have to end whatever we have between us." i asked why? did i do something? have i hurt you? she said "no you haven't. but my mom doesn't want me talking to you because she knows you have bpd and that you've been to inpatient(which was a year and a half ago and was for stress induced psychosis.) 

ME: "so it's over?"  
HER: "im sorry."

ME: "when will i talk to you again?"

HER: "i dont know"

ME: "will i ever talk to you again?"  
HER: "yes"  
ME: "promise?"

HER: "I promise"  
ME: "how long do i have to wait?"  
HER: "i dont know. but i have to go now"  
ME: "any last words?"

HER: "you'll always be in my heart"  
ME: I like you  
a lot  


...  


i couldn't stop laughing the rest of my shift. i told some of my coworkers and they were concerned. they were like bro why are you laughing? i was like haha i dont really know. it will probably hit me when i get home. oh boy did it. i cried for the first time in 14 months. i cried like a snot-nosed baby. I took a bar of xanax and listened to music until i fell asleep around 1am. i stayed home from school and woke up around 11am. its 12:45 now and i just took another bar. not really sure what to do with myself honestly. if i cut im just proving her mom right that im unstable. but i can't really do much except dissociate. atleast i got an assignment done after i was done crying last night. I want to wait for her. I just cant forget her. she's different from all my past girlfriends. the BPD didn't scare her. but it did scare her mom. thats where im frustrated. its her moms choice but it still frustrates me because this girl told me i never treated her badly.  
She's getting a new number and deleting all social media. so she's out of my life. if she wants me in her life, she'll find a way to get to me. And I will wait for her. I can't handle any more heartbreak.

&amp;#x200B;