I hope this is not offensive to anyone (be it those with BPD or a criminal past.


I’m a woman with BPD and for some reason I have dated 3 men who have a criminal record. My most recent ex was still involved in crime and most of his friends and acquaintances as well. 


I really felt at home in that group of friends at first. Personally it upsets me a lot when people steal (especially from individuals) but most people in the group had done that at some point in the past and had quit. They mostly were drug dealers (not big time ones). 


With that group of people it just felt like I wasn’t gonna be judged. Everyone was fucked up. Did lots of drugs, got into fights, etc. Gradually it got bad though. I got attacked, yelled at, threatened, etc by several male members of the group when they misunderstood a joke or something like that while they were on drugs. My bf didn’t really think any of that was a big deal and he stopped caring about me gradually cause I couldn’t get over these things. Then he dumped me and now my heart’s in shatters... He says I’m judgmental and that I’m with the “State” rather than with people. 


In that circle, domestic violence also turned out to be quite normal. At first, when it happened to me, I didn’t think much of it. All my exes have gotten mildly violent and I never made a big deal out of it cause it’s just anger issues, and I also have anger issues just internalized. But then I saw how the other men in the group treated their girlfriends, even more extremely violent, and how no one gave a fuck. It was like an open secret in the group, laughing about bruises, making innuendos about them  etc. A girl who dates this guy that I know from back in school and I, always talked to each other about our boyfriends. Things like how her guy would cheat, mine would kick me out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go. 


Progressively worse things became casual discussion points for us. Like beatings. My wake up moment was when I mentioned something I got punched for, while I was on the phone with her and sitting by the bridge, and some old lady gave me this shocked look...And when my friend told me her bf tried to strangle her, I just couldn’t laugh about it. I was like, wtf. Is this normal? Why do we think this is normal? The mantra we always had was that we were just more “open” about such things than the rest of society and that that was a good thing cause it meant they could get discussed. Yet no one changed or actually called out their friends for misogynistic abusive behavior... 
 



So anyway, I just met a new guy from a dating app. The app is full of people but I just get so bored with most of them. If they look too clean or attractive, or they have a high paying job/are educated, I don’t go with them. Even though I do enjoy scholarly debate, I feel like those people wouldn’t think I’m good enough, that I wouldn’t get along with their friends or family, that they’d be out the door as soon as any symptoms of BPD surfaced. So I’ll have a discussion with a guy who is a forensic attorney about the definition of legal insanity, and be really into it, but eventually go on a date with a guy who talks about himself. About his past, hardships, etc. Someone who feels relatable and also sad in a way? Cause I feel really sad and depressed and I hate having to hide it. I don’t want to be with someone for whom I have to put on a mask of normality, and watch myself so that I don’t say something “weird.”


So I’ve known the new guy for a few days and I really like talking to him. He distracts me a lot from the pain of the break up. Well he mentioned a criminal record yesterday but I’ve become SO used to people around me having one that it almost seems like a given to me? Today he told me he was in prison for two years, that he might have to go back, etc. That’s when I started thinking that I know all about how prison works in my country despite never having BEEN there. I have never even gotten a fine! And it’s really not normal to go to prison. Most people in this country don’t.


But I really like this guy, he seems so nice and easy to talk to. And his attitude, values and behavior are familiar to me.  So genuine. It feels with this person, like it did with my exes, like when we’re walking around town, we both don’t belong with the rest of the society. I feel anxious around people that seem fancy or “normal,” but walking with guys like him I feel safe. He’s NOT aggressive or mean, he’s just kinda vigilant like I am. It’s like we’re aliens.


I am just wondering - and I’m sorry for the rambling. Concise is not my strength - if this has to do with BPD? If lots of people with BPD date criminals?