 

My ex is a medical physician, her sister is a psychiatrist. So i believed her.

Our  ten year relationship wasnt the best ngl, but, I would say the last 4-3  years of our relationship was hell. Which, i dont blame her, made her  believe that I had BPD. Shes intelligent, and a freaking medical person,  she did what she naturally does: **diagnose**.  Now that it has been maybe 8 months and no contact i feel much better.  My belief is that she concluded that my behavior was BPD because **she cant grasp how a person like me be unhappy with a woman like her.**

I  was Born into extreme poverty, mother was killed, was emotionally and  physically abused (im not kidding either) until I was sixteen. The  picture I am painting is that I was a sorry sight to look at, and so the  reader can make other connections of my make up. Fast forward I am in  my twenties with a woman who is a doctor who excelled at being efficient  and self sufficient. Already born into a loving family, which they  didnt like me, all of her family members are highly intelligent and  money driven. She is too.

So  through out the years, I wondered to myself, "what the fuck am i doing  with her"?. I brought nothing to the table. At that time i would tell  myself and consider myself a huge loser a nobody. Also none of our  beliefs aligned. She was always thinking about money, I wasnt. I saw  what the search of money did to my father, always trying to make money  but always suffering, hes homeless now. All her friends are drs and well  to do people and she is the best in the hospital. She bought herself  expensive things, she deserves it btw, its her money. She would travel  with or without me. But i think she preferred to travel without me. So  as the reader, the reader can see how these pictures I am trying to  paint had a lasting affect on me.

I  always thought I was ugly as well, my confidence was quite low. She  would tell me, "you have to find that confidence yourself", "if i tell  you you're handsome all the time, you'll get big headed" and we would  get into arguments she would kick me out of her house multiple times so  there is proof that part of our bad break up has some of her  fingerprints on it, too. Then i guess i began to unravel.

But  that unraveling, i believe, wasnt because of BPD symptoms, I think i  was fed up on how mediocre i was around her, I am not so much now, but  she is better than most people. How second or last place i came to her,  how i was an orbiting dwarf and she was the center of the solar system,  the shining sun. I was tired of her using her power, logic, money, high  intelligence against me. I was tired of being with a stranger. I was  tired of how different we were. i was tired of being humiliated by her. I  was tired of being alone while she has friends and family. All of which  most likely believed and most likely told her to get a new boyfriend. I  was tired of being the loser boyfriend and she the "upstanding GF that  supports her loser boyfriend" WHAT A SHITTY ARCHETYPE!!! So in return,  all my pent up resentment, I used it on her. I was tired of losing. I  was scared of breaking up with her, to be honest. But i felt like i had  to escape. I kept on breaking up with her. For some reason that hurt her  the most. I dont know why...she never really actually loved me. We  tried to fix it every now and then but she enjoys the company of her  friends and of the strays she picks up, than my company. So eight months  have passed, i think.

Within  those 8 months I've been on so many drinking binges, drug fueled nights.  I dont know if one can show off a month and 2 weeks sobriety, but Im  sober now. I look back, and tell myself, "i think i never had BPD in the  first place". I think i was just sad and jaded, and I expressed it in a  toxic way. I kind of feel bad. But there is no way to apologize to her.  We have blocked each other on all media and devices. and if i do  contact her I believe she would get scared. People know how the story  goes...toxic ex wants to contact GF but GF gets scared and doesnt know  what to do and has panic attack BLAH BLAH. So i'll save myself the  embarrassment of being that guy. Im sorry. But i remember when she told  me when i had BPD she would tell me to come to reddit and hit up the BPD  loved ones or just BPD thread to seek help. So Im assuming she posted  many things about me here. So here is my side of the story. I've had  these thoughts pent up inside me for a while. Im sorry once again.

PS: I believe that I never had BPD in the first place.