&amp;#x200B;

Year and half after my diagnosis, using multiple anti anxiety meds and mood stabilizers, I was always prescribed SSRIs which I denied to take because of my poly addictions and tendency to resort to illicit substances for pleasure. I have quit quite of those hard drugs and now year and half later I starting to feel the symptoms like I used to in the earlier stages. My mind has become so trained of thinking to end it all whenever any inconvenience occurs. I was holding on and on thinking I might be recovering gradually but I am not, and now it feels like not to even bother to get that happiness inside, I constantly keep thinking of the day I'll end myself. My body refuses to produce natural serotonin now that I realize, thus feeling low and dead-like all the time, sleepy even after good 6 hrs of nights sleep and now no will to recover at all but just pass days somehow until I exist.

Some days had been with a mood to recover of everything and the others felt like a dead man walking with no purpose wandering endlessly with agony. Honestly I feel I am frustrated with everyone living through life normally and I start envying all of this. I am clueless what should I be doing now since crawling through this dead life is getting heavier daily.