I’m so fucking tired. I’m so sick of obsessing over her and just further pushing her away out of this broken fear that if I don’t constantly make an effort she’s not going to be my best friend anymore. I’m sick of feeling worthless and useless and talentless. I’m so tired of having no real identity or passions besides other people. I’m so fed up with feeling trapped in this inescapable cycle of hating myself and feeling powerless to change anything. I’m so burnt out of making huge moves and changes to try and be happy only to have every attempt crash and burn. 

I just want to stop trying. Everything I do feels like it blows up in my face. I moved away from a place I hated and within 6 months burned my entire savings, had my car stolen along with like $3000 worth of shit, my insurance company paid the book value of the car so I couldn’t afford to replace it and they scummed out of paying for all the property inside because the lazy fuck cop that took the report didn’t want to list my property, had to take a retail job and feel like more of a failure with my advanced degrees and internships, finally managed to get a decent job and within a month I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m back living with family in a place I hate, broke, and have no hope for anything to get better. I can’t even think about having a job right now, I can’t even start thinking about what I want or can even do. 

I haven’t texted her in almost a week so I reached out today to see if we can talk or if she needs more space and she hasn’t answered. Rationally I know she’s probably just busy but all I can think is she wants me out of her life. I don’t even know what I did wrong other than being too attached to her. I don’t ever lash out or anything like that. I know I’m annoyingly clingy but I don’t think I did anything wrong and I can’t stop sitting here obsessively replying every interaction we’ve had in the past month to dissect if I did something. I feel selfish because I know she’s going through a ton of personal shit and my stupid fucking brain just keeps obsessing over how she feels about me. 

It’s so bad right now that I literally don’t want to be around or interact with anyone but her until I know everything is okay. I went to a family thing and just….don’t want to talk to anyone at all. I just want her to say something. Tell me it’s okay, or tell me it’s not okay. Please just tell me if you need to be left alone for a bit. If I did something wrong please just tell me.


I’m so tired of knowing this will never go away, I’ll just *maybe* get better at dealing with it. Lately I’m so tired of this that I’ve been inching into dangerous territory with ideation. Like how I’d go through with it and mentally writing letters to everyone. Even in my fucking mental suicide notes all I can do is apologize and seek validation. I also feel so pathetic because I sit and think about how people would react and what they would think. Would she think I just did it to be manipulative? Would she just be angry because I know how many people she’s lost to suicide? I’m worried because right now the only reason I won’t go through with it is knowing that others would be sad, that’s literally it. I feel like I’d be being selfish if I went through with it. 

I just wish this would go away. I wish I could just, not wake up tomorrow. I don’t want to do this anymore.