Hi. It's been a while since I posted here lol. I've been doing other things I guess.   


I think I might have mentioned it before in a previous post, but I am at a psych ward rn. (yes, I'm still here) And lately I've been having rly bad anxiety attacks that lasted for multiple days. Sunday night I had a major break down where I would hit and kick the nurses while I cried hysterically. They ended up having to lock me in my room all by myself to calm me down for a few seconds, witch was terrifying to me bc when I have rly bad anxiety or I'm just feeling rly bad in general I hate being alone. In fact I have a fear of being abandoned witch I have had since I was a child. Fortunately they only isolated me for a few seconds until I calmed down, then they came in and talked to me. I told them I'd rather be belted than isolated as I hate being alone when having a rly hard time, and they were rly understanding. Tbh they only chose isolation over belting bc they thought belting was uncomfortable for me, when in reality I actually don't think it's that bad. I mean, my past experiences with being belted wasn't great, but the nurses were nice about it and they always sat there with me and talked with me while I laid there, so it wasn't exactly traumatic either tbh. I should probably clarify that the nurses here aren't abusive by any means. In fact, the hospital I'm currently at, is one of the better hospitals in my country. They just did what they did bc they weren't able to get control over me otherwise. They tried to talk to me and all, but I weren't able to tell them what was wrong bc I struggle to express myself. I often write to them instead bc when I try to talk about difficult things, I'm often not able to get a single word out of my mouth at all due to my anxiety.  


I hate that I cause so much trouble sometimes. I'm a violent motherfucker, you know that? I rly don't mean to do this stuff either. I don't want to be like this and I hate it so friking much, but whenever I get rly bad anxiety or I get angry (at Sunday night I was both anxious and angry at my past btw) I tend to get extremely restless, witch also causes me to become grumpy and impulsive. And on top of that, not being able to express to them what's going on makes me feel even more frustrated witch leads to me getting even angrier. Yesterday I ended up drawing on the walls with a marker, and then I would kick and spit on the nurses when they carried me in to my room.   


Tbh I hate myself for causing this much trouble. Fortunately the nurses are pretty nice and understanding about it, even though they have obiovsly pointed out that my behavior is not ok and that I need to work on that, witch is very true.   


This is why I feel like a monster, all I do is friking mess up. Tbh I feel like I should have never been born. I feel sorry that the nurses had to get to know a monster like me :( Sure, they are all caring and supportive of my struggles and all, but I still can't help but feel that I'm a burden to everyone. Sometimes I even feel that I shouldn't be alive tbh.   


I remember one of the first things my first doctor told me when I came here was something on the line off "Ohh my God, you're dangerous!" (my first doctor was a jerk btw), and even though I thought it was funny back then, being at a completely different mindset compared to where I'm at today, I feel absolutely terrible when I think about it today. In fact I've grown to absolutely hate the word "dangerous" bc it defines me and I hate it so darn much! 

The nurses often tells me that I'm actually a good person, and while I rly appreciate it, no matter how many times they say it, and how hard I try, I just can't see this "good girl" they're talking about. Where is she? All I can see is a monster. A monster I don't want to be :(   


I'm sorry my post is so shitty and long, but I just needed to vent.   


I'm sorry I became like this, I'm sorry I'm such a monster, I'm sorry! 😥