Sorry I keep posting about my situation here. I have no where else to turn and I feel like this is one of the lowest points in my life.

I'm making steps towards breaking up with my potentially emotionally abusive BF/FP that I've lived with for 5+ years. I might be able to get out by Friday, but my heart is just saying no. I've been a crying mess for a month though and I don't want to leave. I really really really don't want to. 

But he is 100% emotionally unavailable at this point and overall just depressed from problems with his business. Like laying in bed all day type of depressed. He's 44 by the way and always been an somewhat energetic/happy guy. I want to stick by him and support him so badly but he won't let me. He acts like I'm a burden and has told me recently he wants me to move out.

There's not a single bit of the loving person I knew last year. We've always had issues, but I was able to move on from every single one. It always revolved around something that's "my fault". He's never done anything wrong according to him. An obvious red flag, but I just want to move past it.

 I keep saying I want to move past it, as he doesn't ever allow room for me to bring up my feelings. My feelings are constantly invalidated. There's never an "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" or a "Hey can we talk about things?".  I'm expected to be made of stone and just keep pushing through. So I do.

I do everything he asks, so I truly don't understand what I've done to make him absolutely hate spending time with me. He won't talk to me and everything just ends with him just saying "we can stay together if you just don't bother me." There's my new trigger word- "bother". It hurts so badly. I can't imagine telling someone I love that they are a bother to me. What about me is so bothersome? I'm not nagging, I leave him alone for a week at a time per his request. Why is it such a bother that I'd want to spend time with my boyfriend who I love? I don't ask anything else of him.

I feel like that's our biggest downfall as BPD. I'm so loyal and agreeable. You can do nearly anything to me and I will be hurt, but I just want to move on from it and things to be good again. My bf and I have everything in common and we always have  so much fun together. 

I don't get what makes him suddenly treat me like a burden. 

I want to stay and I want to make things work. But he's completely unwilling to compromise. The saddest part is there's nothing for him to even compromise. The compromise is basically "leave him alone unless he wants to talk to me first". It hurts so much knowing that I'm cared about so little.

 I understand he's going through a tough time. I don't mean to sound selfish. Just after a month's time of constant ignoring me. He visits with friends, it's not like he's so depressed he can't do that. He goes to work when he needs to. But he just can't be bothered to spend time with me.

Please only comment if you can relate/have advice. I can recognize the red flags in his behavior and mine. I have BPD. I feel like a lot of people in this group do have BPD and respond from a normal person's point of view. "Leave him!" Well yeah, obviously I want to. My head knows I deserve better. My heart doesn't let me leave.

It's so hard to do things on my own right now. From doing things such as calling up apartment complexes, movers, etc. Thinking of all the things I need to buy for my new place. Thinking of my home we built together that I have to leave. And it's crazy that it can all fixed in my head by a simple apology. I'm so pathetic that I'd stay in a heartbeat if he came to me and apologized.

I downloaded bumble and all the guys on there repulse me. I think I have too high of standards set in my mind as my bf is my absolute dream guy when he's his best. If he didn't have this nasty mean side, then we'd be perfect together. 

I know I'm not perfect, but I feel like I have my BPD under control enough to where when things are good I'm a normal person. Caring, attentive, loving without being overwhelming. I feel like I have so much to offer and bring to the table. It's so heartbreaking to be rejected in your own home.