TLDR: My (38M) SO and I (39F) have an ongoing dispute, where he gets very upset if I ask him to adjust his window in the van while driving. I'm looking to see if I'm controlling, or if we need to find a compromise, or what.

Here we go... Buckle in folks, it's a long one.

I'm the person with BPD.

I know I'm short tempered sometimes and can unintentionally occasionally ask too much of a person. These are things I'm aware of and am working on actively adjusting day-to-day. Just getting that out there, the fact that I know this could be me being 100% irrational.

Backstory: My vehicle has automatic windows, but the driver side is busted. There's no automatic windows in the rear, so the only working automatic window is the front passenger side.

Side note: I just got this beast of a vehicle last year, a couple weeks before my SO and I began our relationship. (Not super important, just explains that this vehicle is kinda new to me, and really the opposite of the one vehicle I drive for over 20yrs before this. Also, that this is an issue that has evolved from zero issue a year ago to a regular argument, every couple weeks or so.)

I'm the only licensed driver, and we live about 10-20 minutes from everything. When we go out, sometimes I ask him to adjust his window. It's A VERY wide windshield and A VERY slow window motor. So watching it to see if it's half way, or wherever, is pretty distracting while driving 60mph and watching for deer, police, random animals, hitchhikers, etc.

The Issue: Every now and then while driving (let's say once every 10-20 minutes? I'm sure it's less often, especially with on long trips, but I'm sure short trips make it seem worse.) I ask him to adjust his window. Maybe I meant to adjust it before we left. Maybe it's hotter than I thought. Maybe I'm driving faster/slower/trying to pay attention and hear something/fill in the blank for why a person adjusts a window. More and more often, this is meet with a response of "do it yourself, you have the control there."

I get it. I CAN adjust the window. I'll look away from the road to find the awkwardly placed window switch, then looking around him into the passenger side to make sure the window is at the right level, and try and get my eyes to adjust in time to focus back on the road quickly and safely.

Just thinking about it brings my heart rate up.

When it's just me alone in the vehicle, it's a little easier to hear where the window is, and I tend to leave the window halfway, to make it an easier compromise for myself. He tends to put the window all the way up or down, which ends up with more requests for down or up... I usually ask him to do it halfway and that's where the fight starts.

The Dispute: He says I'm being controlling, asking things of him "constantly". I feel that it's just so very much easier, and simpler for the passenger to help out for a moment so I can keep my eyes on the road... I've driven over 300,000 miles, and have never had a passenger/partner argue about this.

The End: I know this is SO VERY TRIVIAL, so thank you for bearing with me and staying constructive with your criticism!! Because I really can't stand another yelling match about this.

edit: typos, formatting