I'm a 31 M who recently started going to a psychologist because of intense emotions from an obsessive love situation that revealed a lot of uncertainty about who I am, where I want to be, and what I'm looking for. I've had substance abuse problems, been 'diagnosed' with ADHD, depression, social anxiety, etc. (hard to disentangle that from substance abuse problems). I was in a long-term (10 year) relationship and marriage, that dissolved for many reasons, but one of them was because I couldn't adequately show affection, was often irritable, and super bored, even when I was sober for an extended period of time.

I feel like I don't know myself, I don't have any hobbies that I enjoy, I'm bored all the time. I've been trying hard to get out and about to help myself, meet new people, and overcome the social anxiety.

Recently I stumbled upon a BPD reference, and I went to investigate it, and it explains a LOT about my life. The super-intense emotions from something as small as someone taking too long to respond to a text message. Or someone criticizing me. Or the irritation and occasional anger when somebody abruptly changes plans for a night, and I'm left doing nothing. It explains the obsessive infatuations that I get with some women, ultimately resulting in a breakup with depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts after they push away because I'm too needy (though I've never stalked, been violent towards anyone - just to be clear). 

It explains my preoccupation with how I look in others eyes. I often value the opinion of someone else over mine, in nearly every aspect of my life. It explains the bouts of passive-aggressive no-talking and anger and resentment I get when someone, even a super close friend, says something I don't like. It explains why I've had several episodes in my life where I've said things I don't really mean out of extreme anger, even towards someone who I am supposed to love. It could also explain all the roller-coaster of moods I can have within a single day. It explains my constant all-or-nothing thinking.

It explains why I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. It explains why, at 31, I have an advanced degree and am supposed to have a career, but really don't enjoy any of it because it was next thing I was supposed to do after college (because I didn't know myself and what I wanted).

I feel like this could be the 'core' of why my life has been so tumultuous and why I don't know myself. 

Anybody else get this revelation in their middle-age? I'm not sure my psychologist is well-versed in DBT, but I'm going to bring this up in the next session. I have a psychiatrist and am taking medication for social anxiety at the moment.



