Hi! I do not have BPD and I need help. I have been very close friends with someone for a few months. She has BPD and has been very very heavily treated for it. Unfortunately this friendship is extremely toxic for me and has taken a very strong toll on my life. I have tried to slowly back off and drop many hints that I want to end the friendship but every time she has gotten very aggressive and confrontational. I respect that she is confrontational and I understand that she wants an explanation instead of a slow fading of the friendship. But the problem is on two occasions I have blatantly told her that I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore and explained why. But when I told her the reasons she got very angry at me and told me that her biggest insecurity is that she is a bad friend and that I’m triggering that for her. And she wouldn’t accept that I wanted to end the friendship; I ended up feeling like I was in trouble and needed to defuse the situation and say whatever would make her happy. I really really really do not want to upset her. I genuinely love her and don’t want to just never talk to her again. But I cannot continue to be her close friend right now. If I go a day without talking to her she asks if I’m upset and I get scared of getting yelled at so I say something like “no, i’m just busy.” I’ve even gone so far as to annoy her/try to get her to be sick of me and not want to be my friend. The goal is to get to the point where we only talk once every few weeks or months. For reference we are young adults. Recently, she had one of her old friends move in with her so I am much more comfortable ending the friendship because previously I was the only person she had. I cannot handle more aggressive confrontation with her, I just want to respectfully stop being so close. Is there a way I could do this? I feel so trapped.
P.S.- I know there is a huge incorrect and awful stigma around people with BPD. The last thing I would want to do is reinforce that. I am not stopping being her friend because she has BPD. I see her as a person with characteristics that are not compatible with me; I am not going to label her as someone with BPD and I would not expect anyone else with BPD to be toxic like she is. I wanted to say that to clarify that I am only posting this on this subreddit because I know abandonment is a huge issue and I want to know if anyone has insight on how to stop a friendship without triggering abandonment trauma.
Thank you so much!!!