It's an everyday ordeal. I wake up, realise how much of a disappointment I am, think of how everything would be if I died, repeat. I'm 18 so my life isn't a complete waste yet but tbh the thought of dying is becoming more and more appealing. I just can't go on much longer. I don't have motivation or passion. Which sucks because I know that I have plenty of talent and potential for greatness. But I'm not doing anything that actually matters. I almost feel like i don't deserve to be  depressed because my life isn't bad, I just wish I mattered. I only put effort into pretending that everything is fine and I can't stand myself for it. I let everyone down and they think it's just because I'm a lazy loser. Tbh maybe I am a lazy loser. I know that I need therapy but I don't have a consistent income, so paying for it would be difficult. I've looked for free online alternatives but every service that i could find is subscription based. I've thought about calling suicide prevention but I've never actually attempted suicide. I need help and I don't know where to go. I'm not strong enough to keep going on my own. I push myself because I know that my family would miss me, But that effort is dwindling by the second. I have to many people who use me as a therapist. I've been trapped inside a broken mind, but it wasn't apparent until I had time to better myself. I know that this post will get little to no attention because of its length, but if there's at least one person who can make me feel like I mean something I could be happy.

TL/DR: I feel useless and it's making me a sad boi