First Ive always wanted to open up about this to someone but I was always terrified to actually post anything.
Idk wtf is wrong w/ me or if anybodys ever experienced something like this but it literally stresses me to exist and be part of the world coexisting with other people. For the longest time I've wanted to do something "artistic" with my life, I've created a bunch of characters and stories but I'm afraid they will all disapear with me when I die and nobody will ever know the world I had inside my head. know it sounds dramatic but I have maladaptive daydreaming so those stories and characters are a huge part of me. I also afrad I will just dream my life away living bicuriously through other people. I've wanted to start a youtuebe channel for the longest time I even bought expensive equipment for it but I just cant bring myself to do it. Im really creative and have a lot of ideas but i just cant bring myself to express them when I willb coexisting w/ a bunch of people way better than me. Im not even affraid of criticism since every little thing about me has been ridiculed by my dad since I could remember. Thinking of actually putting myself out there and "being real" actually existing makes me so anxious I want to throw up. Ive also never had any social media because i am so afraid to exist and it is literally ruinig my life and killing my dreams I dont want to be like this and idk what I can do to make it better. I cry alone in my room a lot thinking about how theres so many people out there doing what I wish I could do. I also literally have no friends ( literally, not like when people say "omg i have no friends" while they actualky have a thousand friends) Ive never had a single friend or been part of any groups at school or had much human interaction at all. I could never speak to people at school because I truly believe I wasnt real and that they wouldnt b able to see or hear me. I also have this weird thing where I feel like I'll be able to do all this things if only I just didnt have any people who "knew me" like my family, they always find a way to ruin everything Im remotely interested in specially my dad who goes out of his way to completely destroy it. I am afraid of the people I know forming opinions because Ive always felt like theyve owned me like they had an idea of who i was and thats the only way im allowed to act specially my parents. So bacially Im afraid to exist Im afraid to be real but Im also terrified of dying and being forgoten but in any case theres no point in being remembered if nobody knows who i am. I need help idk what to but i cant keep living like this.