With lack of identity comes frantic efforts to find a sense of self. 

If you're like me you've went through dozens of scenes; gangster, vegan hippie, emo, you name it. Embarrassing but true. 

Presently, I'm trying to be a normal, 20 something year old, attending collage that just wears jeans and a t-shirt and doesn't have any more or less mental illnesses than anyone else.

&amp;#x200B;

Something Ive read in bpd forms that I don't relate to is how often we find ourselves in new relationships. this isn't my experience.

I had 3 close friends since middle school but they're gone. My relationship with my mom and sibling has been nothing but rocky, dads not present. relationships have always been unstable for me.

im half way to 25 and have never dated because im scared. I effortlessly find a reason to push them away but deep down my fear is the reason. sure, they might think im their type now, but 1 year ago I was an entirely different type, so what the fuck do they know right?  I act very hard, but inside I'm so tender.

when I see couples, they look like they match each other. deeper than just looks, their intelligence, intrests, hobbies, friends. if i don't have any of those things or don't know what they are, how am I suppose to "match" with someone?

dating to me is like looking in a mirror. looking in a mirror is like hell to me. it seems no matter what I change, my self esteem is at life threatening levels.  I don't remember a time not feeling this way, its not realistic to believe it will change. 

I am friendless, truly. I crave a person to love and know but I don't want it to be like all the people before. I don't want to believe to my core for years that someone ripped my heart out and scraped it against the gravel with the bottom of their shoes only to discover it was just me having a frantic manic episode again. I want a boyfriend but I have not the slightest clue how to trust a man. 