Nobody understands what we go through going crazy in our own heads everyday sec of everyday. The pain, the anxiety, the shortness of breath, the heart beating so hard it feels like its gonna come out of your chest. Ever since I was 15 I've had anxiety due to a traumatic up bringing,  alcohol father and sick bed ridden mother that was physically and emotionally abused by my father . My whole life I witnessed disfunction. I turned to drugs mostly opiates and pills and alcohol .. I think over time I made my anxiety worse . I finally got a hold on my drug use and got sober and got put on a antidepressant and it worked wonders for me as long as I stayed sober. I stayed sober off and on for years and until finally I decided I was at a point in my life where I was so happy and content I didn't need medication no more , I was exercising and holding a great job just got engaged and was as happy as I ever had been in a long time. I stayed away from negative friends and situations and concentrated on my health..until one day I decided to go off my medication , worst mistake of my life..I went into a deep depression and anxiety was worse then ever. I tried going back on it didn't work anymore. I tried several other medications nothing would fix my anxiety and triggered it more.. slowly the doctor decided to put me on a benzodiazapine it worked for a while and then it started making things worse. Now im withdrawling from it , my anxiety is so bad , I cant work, enjoy going places, spending time with my family or even think straight 24 7 its pure agony . I lost my mother in 2016 and now my father a few weeks ago and that devastated me even more..even though he was a alcoholic he was always there for me and improved over the years. Now I feel alone going through this total darkness, I just had a son at 36 a son I always prayed for and finally my fiance was able to give me one but now im too sick to enjoy him..my anxiety is so bad I couldn't even enjoy taking him to the zoo or park. And what hurts the most my fiance won't marry me like this , or doesn't even love me the same. All because of what medication and anxiety has done to my mind. I think about ending it everyday but I think of my son. But then I think what good am I to him like this..im scared to go places , I cant work like this I feel crippled from anxiety. Its so bad i see eye floaters and can't breath 24 7 . Alot of this is from the klotapin withdrawl. Im currently taking Celexa again , seroquel, suboxone was prescribed to help with the benzo withdrawls go figure and librium .. Nothing is really helping but the suboxone..I dont want to take anything anymore but I know im stuck on this shit probably forever until God takes me off and heals me. I dont know what to do I wish I could go off everything !!!! I hear stories of people recovering after years of healing but it being pure agony and i dont know how to function be a dad, work, and provide and I dont want to go disability!! My fiance isn't very supportive anymore because I been struggling for so long it has damaged us!! And that hurts alone!! I have no one to talk to that can relate hardly and im tired of suffering. I feel like taking my life. Because everyday is pure misery. I have everything and can't enjoy any of it because of my anxiety and depression!! My fiance is the total opposite and so happy going and I cant compete anymore with her. Im scared of loosing her , having to leave home and not have a place to live! Because I moved in with her..I just want her to understand and be supportive but its not in her. I have lost my self esteem and just dont care anymore. Nobody understands my story they tell me to man up get over it and I truly have a physical and mental illness now. I shake , have tremors, Agoraphobia,  and am so weak I can't do anything I use to be able to do.im constantly in a bad mood because my mind won't let me enjoy a moment of peace..I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont wanna be like this no more!!! Im tired of suffering. Im scare to wean off the drugs and scared to start new ones. I have two weeks to return back to work or I loose my job and then I know things will only get worse from there. But im scared I won't be able to do my job anymore because of my anxiety and withdrawls.im so lost. I just need someone to tell me i will get through this. But how? How do I stop meds while having to work? How do I provide to stop meds and heal? How do I function in society when im scared of my own shadow anymore. I just feel like giving up. I've tried rehabs , hospitals and even been trying to find a new doctor and everytime I explain my situation they think I want drugs but my doctor is the one who prescribed me them I never abused my medication and i was the one who checked myself in to get off. I should of tapered I guess but I was scared of doing it on the outside and having to function everyday . Now my brain is so messed up worse because of the benzos. Im just so sad, I cant even fake being happy for my son or girl. I cant even watch TV or enjoy anything im constantly hating my situation and myself. What do I do?