It's been a long time since I've had genuine feelings for someone that I find myself recently created romantic feelings for people who I really naturally would just view as friends. Guys who show interest in me and who I get to know a little I give a chance to romantically and just force myself to feel a spark by seeing every positive quality about them because they've shown an interest. I've realised how sad this is, that I'm not letting myself be true to myself and not respecting my own real feelings. I'm lonely but I'm more just missing that excitement and that genuine 'I really like you a lot' feeling. I think because I haven't been true to myself, I've been fooling myself into believing I really like these people and then getting hurt one way or another and frustrated because they don't live up to my natural desires.

The thing is, my natural desire is actually not even that unrealistic, I just have a specific lovemap that I haven't been able to find in a person for a while, but I also haven't been exposing myself to many people either so I know it's my fault too. I'm making a promise to myself today not to date or go far with someone unless I truly genuinely like them, not to be unfair to them, but to not be unfair to myself anymore. 