(CW: Eating disorder, family, school, numbers unrelated to ED behaviors.)

I constantly find myself doing things to quietly one-up those around me who my brain deems as a "rival" or "competition" in the hope that everyone will notice and give me approval. For example, my little sister (15) gets a lot of validating attention and does things to act out for even more attention. She'll do a bunch to bring her grades up and get a bunch of praise because of it, but when I do the same thing I get indifference and very monotonous feedback.

In May, I spent a week essentially slaving over a study guide for my psychology class (studying 2-4 hours every morning, a rigid eating schedule to accommodate my studying habits, etc.) and got a 96% on my final exam at the end of the week. When I announced my grades, my family barely reacted. One family member even sounded disappointed and said: "Well, that's not *bad*." Implying that I could have done better. Meanwhile, my little sister works on a piece for her art class and shows my family the unfinished product. She receives so much praise and hugs and coddling.

I've struggled with this competitiveness for a long time but I was able to decrease it and it's accompanying anxiety and feelings of unworthiness through competitive swimming. However, when I wasn't swimming, it manifested in my studying habits and also caused my eating disorder to flare up. Sometimes I caught myself having a thought that makes my skin crawl: "I'm better than them because of this." When I hold myself accountable enough to stick to a stressful and inflexible study schedule, for instance, I feel superior as if I am the Golden Example of a Student. The thoughts of "I'm better than all of you" make me feel guilty and horrible, but they're also intoxicating to have.  


Am I the only one who does this? Is this part of the BPD or am I just obsessively competitive? Or is it simply my eating disorder branching out to other aspects of life?