I’ve recently been diagnosed with BPD! I’m 17, almost 18 so I’ve been immediately referred to an adult psychiatric unit to start DBT. I don’t know when it starts and I’m so relieved I’ve found an answer to soooo many years of unexplainable suffering but when I see others talking about BPD I feel as if I’m not bad enough to say I have it too?

For example, I’ve never been hospitalised nor have I ever gone through with actually attempting my own life. I’ve had serious plans, to the point where my favourite person had to make me stay at their house for 3 days so I didn’t go through it and I’ve had plans &amp; urges multiple times but I’ve never attempted. I don’t have much substance abuse either, I have paranoia and part of the part that triggers it is inserting things into my body. Trust me, I can be very reckless and dangerous with alcohol &amp; marijuana and that type of *light* stuff but even taking a pill like paracetamol will freak me out as it’s a “thing that’s going to kill my body from the inside” and I will have a whole episode being convinced that medication provided to help me is killing me (luckily I don’t get this with my birth control pill though haha).

People also talk about how their intense emotions make them punch walls and throw chairs and wreck their room and I cannot identify with that at all. I feel these emotions but I always take it out on myself? I’m quite common with various forms of self harm but I always identified this as due to the fact I grew up in an abusive household, I wasn’t allowed to express any noise therefore I cannot ruin things or I will be punished. But SO MANY borderlines talking about this outward rage and I can’t relate to that.

I’m obviously diagnosed for a reason, but the fact I’ve never been admitted into a ward, hospitalised or the fact my parents never knew this was potentially wrong with me makes me feel as if I don’t belong in this community? My friends have always been concerned about this being a potential answer since we discovered it so I guess it’s not like I made it up myself but it still feels as if I can’t relate to everything (even though it’s so freeing to see people talk about other BPD things I’ve never seen talked about before which I just thought was me being messed up). I just don’t know if I to fit into a BPD box (is there even a BPD box)? Am I allowed to even express this struggle if I’m clearly not nearly as bad as a LOT of the community?  I don’t know. I know I must have it and I wouldn’t have been diagnosed and referred immediately for no reason but I still feel disconnected. If you have any advice or you relate, please share :) thanks