if you are sensitive to anything involving suicide please don’t read i don’t wanna make anyone feel upset. im sitting here at 1am having to get up in a few hours. i really can’t keep holding on any longer. my relationship ended yesterday, we went on a date about two years ago, and it was great, we were together for a while then he left me to ask a girl to formal, we were back on until he left me again for a different girl, then we made up and he changed and promised to put effort in and said it would be different this time, and we started seeing eachother in november or december, without going into massive detail he kept not putting in effort and i’d have to resolve everything, i expressed that i was finally ready to have sex and he was all for it, he kept hinting at it a lot, then on valentine’s day when we planned to have it he got me to go down on him and then said he was too close to finishing and didn’t wanna wear a condom, so i left crying and didn’t speak to him, he didn’t ask me if i was okay or try to resolve stuff and i was so frustrated that i left him to message me, 2 months went by and nothing, so i messaged him saying how i felt and he said i was right but he wasn’t gonna put in any more effort, i said that was pathetic and he said “yeah it is pathetic, go find someone who will put in effort dude” i then blew up at him and said he was a horrible person and that i spent so much of my time and effort on him and the relationship and he just said “cbf reading that but i’m guessing we’re over?” he eventually read it and just said “powerful speech, hit all the right boxes, good luck in life man”. almost 3 years of my life were wasted, the supposed best years of my life, i don’t know what to do, and i don’t want it to sound like i’m suicidal because of just the relationship ending, i was hospitalised for a suicide attempt last year, i’ve had a lot of childhood and teenage issues that i won’t make anyone sit through and listen to but the point is i can’t fight any longer, i need to know it gets better than this but i know deep down that it never will, i’m losing friends very rapidly, no one asks me to do stuff anymore and no one likes me enough to put in effort, i don’t have a job, i graduated last year and have no idea what to do with my life, i know i’m adolescent brains everything feels like the end of the world but the way i feel about everything is not normal, i was diagnosed with bpd but stopped treatment, my situation with my family is very very bad, i am below the poverty line. i don’t think even one person will read this, i don’t even know why i’m writing this at all, this is probably so all over the place and fucking stupid sounding, i think if i ever had another failed suicide attempt everyone would leave me because i’m too hard to deal with. it hurts so much, everything hurts so much, i try so fucking hard to keep everything afloat and shit keeps falling apart, i don’t know what i’m doing with my life i have no direction at all, i don’t have a purpose or a reason to be here when i bring nothing to this world. i’m just so tired, i want it to stop, i would give anything for it to just stop. i think if i was gone there would be no real effects, people would be ultimately relieved, i do so many bad things, and i can’t stop myself and i just watch myself fuck everything up. i have been too scared to actually do anything but i think i’m past that point now 