My medication only makes me feel numb. so when I'm off them I start to feel all those emotions again (mostly anger)

TW: abuse 

I'm not in the best state to write so please excuse me if I have any writing errors. 

My father was the hero of my life and as a child I have always skipped everything to be with him after he comes back home from work, I would even not eat till he's with me. I appreciate everything he does for us (I still do) he works and gave me and my siblings the education we needed, he took us to trips, basically he was the best father in my eyes. let me also say that my siblings are a lot older than me so they rarely are around us. 

 When I was 16 I faced a lot of problems with my classmates and school in general. I was not myself around the house anymore and I think about school a lot, my father slowly realizes that I was a not myself but instead of talking to me or helping me with whatever is going on with a 16 year old kid. He instead takes it personally and starts to yell at me, in. any. chances. he. gets. One time I was fed up with him so I decided to ignore what he says and go upstairs but before I took one step upstairs he Pulled my hair till I was facing him and starts to yell about how disrespectful I was. I still don't understand why he did that to me... 

it got worse than just hair pulling. It's still hard for me to talk about it but the mental and physical abuse he has done to me was enough to scar me for life. I go to my room he would beat me because how dare I stay there alone instead of with him. I don't understand his question? then I must be "stupid cow". I gain weight? you have guessed it he will just call me fat! till I start to starve myself so he stops saying it. I started to SH because of that.

all of this and my family just says "he's your father" or "he was worst than that" I don't know how that suppose to comforts me.. they are saying that the hero I thought he was, was just fake version of him and till I started to developed my own thoughts and problems he shows his trues self. 

It took him a while till he stopped. and you know what stopped him from being so abusive? a dead son. My brother passed away last year and after that he has calmed down. but why did it take him a dead son to figure that out. 

My mother noticed my situation became a lot worse than before so we finally decided to go to a psychiatrist and what do you know I have depression and since last year I have been taking my anti depressants and yes I'm not suicidal anymore but very numb though. Really fucking numb actually. 

When my father says anything I cant feel or do anything about it, I don't cry or complain because I just can't seem to care till this week I stopped taking my medication because I thought I could survive before I go out and get a refill. 

He said a sentence to me today, that was enough for me to spit what was in my mouth and run away from him because it has been so long since I felt this overwhelmed and angry. He told me to "get the fuck out of my face" yes he did worse than that but I didn't know how to handle it so i want upstairs and started panic and cry and my mom had to calm me down to tell me she'll get me the pills soon. 

Now imagine  if I just showed him what I am when he is like this? what I am when I'm not taking my medication. Would he realize that he is the root of all my mental problems?  If I just started to act "crazy' every time he talked or threatened me? would he stop? 

I cant take this anymore I don't want to feel numb anymore and just take it. please help me