I want to leave this fucking mind of mine I can’t handle this anymore  I just cause destruction left right and centre and I leave a messy trail everywhere I go.  

I don’t understand why he stays with me.  I’m awful and I just hurt him all the time.  I learned today that he feels he has to hide how he feels so’s not to upset me basically telling me he has to walk on eggshells around me and I just.  I don’t know.  

I want to leave my body and ditch this planet.  He also compared me to a child today.... that felt wonderful. I then told him how that made me feel and how he still doesn’t understand bpd despite him saying that he does and I just hurt him again I don’t get why I hurt people by fucking feeling or existing.  He makes me feel invalidated all the fucking time I don’t get it. 

He got me a watch for our 5 month with a cute message on the back to remind me that I have him in my life when I’m not myself,  and I was honest today and told him that my condition is so bad that the watch doesn’t work. I really really didn’t want to tell him that because I know it’d hurt him.  

But I didn’t know how else to explain myself.  I feel like it would be best if he leaves me because I  don’t deserve to be in a relationship with him. He should leave me because it’s what I deserve. I’m gradually fucking this up and I feel guilty because he stays when I really really don’t deserve his love or his care,  I don’t deserve to be loved like that.  I think I really am just too unstable for a relationship.  I don’t know what to do.  I need help wrapping my head around this.