Hey everyone this is pretty negetive so im sorry in advance,im 33 years old i have BPD, tourettes,  im bigender or trans, im bisexual, and i basically hate myself which i blame on my homophobic transphobic dad growing up, i didnt even know i had this side til 30, anyway since i was a kid ive always had an empty pit feeling in my stomach , you know it goes away at times but probly a good 70% of the time i feel empty, so 8 months ago shit got really bad, some really harsh family stuff , now at that point the dark pit gets darker and deeper i end up getting hooked on kratom was already a 24/7 stoner but now i have a habit that has harsh withdrawls, and  it barely gets me high anymore, so i thought misewell quit so i can be sober again and what more miserable than i am while numb? Now my brain says no just use better drugs, last night i was dreaming of using heroin cause i want to feel happy so bad, and i want to feel real love something ive never really had so now im realizing i may NEVER be happy unless im high, ya il have to pay 10 fold for that happiness but who cares, either that or just get sober then put my life in chaos so things are to fast to get the pit feeling mabey a life of constant risk til i die in peace am i just fucked or do some of you relate to this?