It’s a gaping hole in my chest where a heart used to be. It’s this cut that won’t heal because different people keep coming in and slicing the scar. It’s this throb in my head that I can’t shut off or get away from.

I’m doing everything everyone’s telling me to and it’s not helping. I resent everyone in my life for caring because it means I can’t slip away without hurting someone else other than myself. I’m supposed to get a job that will make my symptoms worse to afford tons of treatment that will drain me. 

My entire future right now is just doctor visits and therapy and getting on meds and hormones and dealing with a thousand side effects and stressors. 2 months ago my future was this beautiful life with the most perfect person I’ve ever known and now she won’t even acknowledge my existence. Everyone keeps telling me to give it time but it’s been 25 years in this hell of my mind and life and the one thing that made it all seem worth it has gone away. I’m supposed to do all of these things for myself but I don’t care about myself. I cannot stand being myself. I’m trapped in this prison that is me, this purgatory of me where I never get to leave.

Last night I sat outside of someone’s house singing Radiohead songs while someone played guitar and I booked a concert and beautiful people told me they like when I’m around and an amazing girl made out with me and validated my gender identity and another girl told me that when I get older my BPD won’t be such a big thing but now all of last night feels so far away. I’m all that remains. I am so sick of being alone with myself at the end of everything and I cannot stand knowing that when I’m finally free of me I won’t even get to appreciate it. 

I hate this fucking sickness in my head. I don’t think I can feel connected to anyone ever again because it just means I’ll lose them in the end and be right back here, knowing it could be so much better even though it won’t. I hate that I’m supposed to be clean and sober when the only thing that pushes these feelings away is being intoxicated be it on drugs or alcohol or most of all other people. I don’t know what to do. It feels like no one hears my screams