My problem is that i’m constantly jealous of my closest friends. I feel like in my head i’m competing with them over male attention, over just everything and whenever i’m in a social/public situation with them i cant relax bc im so hyper aware of having to be perfect, to have everyone see that I'm having a good time with my friends.

I'm in the process of getting diagnosed for ADHD but I'm pretty sure I might have BPD as well, and possibly was also raised by a uBPD parent. 

I already know i’m insecure and super negative which is why i constantly feel like my friends are better than me, so I noticed i’m slowly turning into them via fashion style and the way they talk and have similar interests bc somehow i think its better to be like them instead of me. But I don't know who I am really.

It's got to the point where I can't do anything without consciously (and subconsciously) thinking ’what would they think about me if the saw me do this’ etc. It's eating me up inside especially since they are pretty much my only friends now bc I don't trust myself to make friends on my own. I realise that projecting my insecurities on them is wrong. I don't usually vocalise how I feel about them since it changes all the time (would that be splitting? one moment I love them the next I'm resentful and hate them?) but I do overshare to the point where I make everything about myself in a negative light. Idk what to do bc I actually care about them and don't want them to hate me bc of my competitiveness and unnecessary jealousy. It's eating me up inside and is impairing my abilities to just enjoy their company. 

I try to remind myself that they aren't competing with me so why should I but I get so overwhelmed by the emotions that I kinda just let it consume me.