After 10 years of constant anxiety, selfharm, self hatred and 4 years of alcoholism I admittet myself to a mental hospital. I'm not in a good place and haven't been for a very long time. I told my parents, years ago when I was just 14 about these problems, showed my wounds but was ignored. Just a dramatic teenager....

I feel fear every second of my life. It feels like someone is constantly behind you, breathing down your neck m, your whole body shakes in terror. I haven't slept more than 3 hours without alcohol in 6-7 years. I'm going insane. 

I'm out if the hospital again and my dad won't talk to me anymore, we used to go climbing together but now I'm just a ghost to him. Meanwhile my mom treats me like a car crash. They look at me like I'm a failure. My mom tells me how she can't sleep because of me and how I'm hurting her.

She even prayed that my organs were failing and causing anxiety just so she would not have to be with a "insane" kid. 

I can't leave here but I can't deal with this. I'm NOT A FAILURE.