A year and a half ago I met a boy on a silly college app. We switched to text/calling, did that for months, and finally met in person this past fall. We started off romantic/sexual and then shifted to a strong friendship when that dynamic was mutually decided to not be right for us. Since then, we've been hanging out (cuz we go to the same school) 3+ times per week, doing sleepovers 1-3 nights per week, and basically texting/snapping/communicating relatively constantly throughout the day. Is less demanding than it sounds but the point is that we're really really close. We also do sex stuff sometimes but it's not a focal point, and we're both completely free to see/be intimate with other people.


Fast forward to this May. He graduated as a senior - I still have two years left. He's applying for jobs all over the country and moving on with his life - this is really wonderful and I'm so proud of him. We said goodbye the day I moved out of my dorm but I wasn't devastated because a generous family member funded a four-day trip for the two of us. We've gone on a number of trips together and travel super well - this one was no exception. It was basically really wonderful and I felt like we were in our own little world.


Today, we returned home. Hugged goodbye at the train station and went our separate ways. We're staying in contact and texting and will be calling and whatnot, but the point is that our relationship will never be what it once was. I love him as an individual but I also loved our dynamic. The relationship/friendship felt spontaneous and young and fun. I clearly feel very strongly for him, and although I'm much more emotional than him he's expressed (less often but relatively consistently) that he feels that way towards me. Even though this aspect will continue, our mode of connecting will not. I will no longer be able to share body heat in his same apartment bed or watch movies with him in my dorm basement or have silly debates with him and his roommates on nights I stayed over. We'll no longer be able to meet up after class or grab food or walk to the nearby park. I'm sure we'll be able to physically connect from time to time but nothing is guaranteed and even if/when that does happen there will be a time limit for however long the trip lasts.


I feel so devastated and it feels as though there's a giant hole in my chest. He's my FP and he vaguely knows/understands this but regardless I can't communicate these feelings to him. Like yeah, of course I'll say that I miss him but conveying the degree to which I'm suffering would be unhelpful. It's only been four hours and I'm absolutely losing it. I can't stop sobbing and my family members don't know what to do and I really just want to be able to turn off my emotions but can't. I'm suffocating right now (and I know how dramatic that sounds) but I don't want to imagine living life without him in the way I had him for a year. I'm on meds and see a psychiatrist, and have seen a therapist (and will continue to this summer) but for right now I can't handle myself. I'm not in any danger and I know that I'll ultimately be okay, but for now I'm in so much pain that it's nearly unbearable. He's the first boy I've truly loved and this is almost a sort of (friend) breakup.

I know this is something that I just need to process and work through, but if anyone's been in a similar situation or can relate or comment or anything that'd be very much appreciated.