If so, what do you do? my one year anniversary with my boyfriend whom I live with is here, and I've sprung into full blown fight or flight mode, and at my moms house right now. I lost all my mental health providers the last month and desperately searching for new providers and losing my mind with that, talking to like 10 people a day just to keep being rejected and playing phone tag. things have gone downhill with the boyfriend last month.. not having pro help, the coronavirus making me go insane and our relationship going downhill has made me totally miserable.

I'm thinking about where I used to be a year ago: I gave up the groupie and alcoholic lifestyle I was living, mostly for the sake of finding a nice guy who wasn't my type, but would treat me better, and I was so relieved to have finally found a respectable guy who made me his universe.. but shit started going downhill the last month and now I'm just thinking "damn maybe I was better off being single like before and hooking up with hot musicians and traveling..." and it's like I totally fell out of love and feel so cold and detached from him and the universe and from myself. but I know if I went back to that lifestyle, I'd be miserable.. like its an unrealistic fantasy that I tried and got wrapped up into for years that made me totally miserable. and now I couldn't go back to that even if I wanted. It's like I want to be alone, but I don't at the same time. my dad is heavily encouraging me to end the relationship and is 99.9% confident this relationship will never work, given our problems. I'm trying so hard to get better and he's not trying as hard and all he does is fucking lie and I feel like I cant trust him ever. I'm just so fucking confused. I'm mentally preparing to be single and start a new life.. but I don't think Id do well alone and I'm not ready to leave him. I'm afraid I'd regret it. I just dont know what I want. however this man is so incredibly indescribably loyal to me.. like he has fairytale kind of traits virtually no men have (and I would know, cause I've been around and dated a lot you could say). given my issues with jealousy and insecurity and how particular I am about some things, theres no guy who would be better tailored in that regard. 

I just dont know what to do. I'm so lost. I really just want support, and maybe guidance if you would be so kind. thank you.