I don’t know where to begin this because my mind is quite scattered but I just wanted to share I’m happy and proud of myself as I expand beyond the symptoms of BPD. 

Honestly, this year was really hard. If you’re into tarot, then you might get it when I say it was truly a tower moment, a period of upheaval where my friendship with my ex came to a bitter end. I was unhealthily grieving that loss and it caused me to lose my remaining best friend. I got severe food poisoning that put my weight loss on a stall. 

I lost all hope. I was depressed. I was crying a lot. I was in and out of doctors appointments. I spent a few nights at the ER trying to get answers and instant remedy to my physical pain. I had a moment where I split on my therapist and considered not ever coming back entirely. I slipped back into a lot of old habits. 

Yet, I never truly regressed. I know that I could never ever go back to the way I was before at the very start of my beginning. 

So I kept going. I knew they only choice was to keep moving forward. Through the loss of my friendships, I realized how it is never really on just one person but I did still need to take responsibility for the role I played in it all. I had to go inward and be honest about the things I was telling myself and the way I have been with myself and others. 

It mean needing to confront my ego, not in a vicious way, but in a humble and accepting manner. This was not easy. I found myself listening to a specific podcast episode from Back from The Borderline that touched on this and I ended up needing to go to the restroom at work just to sit down, take it all in and cry. 

That same night I heard the thoughts of my friends and their last bitter words to me. While harsh, there was truth to it. So I got home and I put into art. 

After that, I don’t know how, but I no longer believed myself to be a monster anymore. My thoughts towards myself were more neutral and kinder, accepting and flexible. 

While my life has been kind of stagnant on the outside, I’ve been truly changing on the inside. I guess that’s what matters most of all.

When focusing on trying to make change through the external, it’s easy to fool yourself and see the world with rose colored lens. But when it comes to going inward, you can only fool yourself for so long until you need to become honest with yourself and others. 

Since the beginning of the year, my ex and I have resumed our friendship. We both apologized, and our friendship is stronger than ever. He’s moved on romantically, I still have romantic feelings but I am more mature about it and I’m learning what it really means to love someone. That, and I genuinely love him as a friend. He showed me I can be loved and helped me to confront my own shadows. He’s a good friend. I apologized to my other best friend and her and I remain in sync. I’ve not lost much weight, but I have maintained. I’m still in therapy and thriving. 

I have my dark moments. The mood swings are still there. I also have an ADHD diagnosis. I am so far away from where I desire to be but I am even further ahead than I ever thought I’d be. 

The journey is never ending. We will never be done working on ourselves which is why it’s all the more important to  keep going. We are not meant to stay the same forever. 

I hope this can give someone peace.

We are not unlovable. 

When I find myself in another dark moment in life, I hope to come back to read this and see that the light will come again.