(CW: rape, sexual assault, suicidal ideation)
Please. Why does it happen everytime. 

A few months ago my roommate slept with me. It was the dumbest decision ever because after this, the guy basically acted as if I didn’t exist, and started dating other girls in front of me. For anyone with BPD thats probably the worst case scenario. I think it was the worst time of my life. I remember the cat-and-mouse game he played with me. The constant taunting dreams of actually being with him. The anger I had towards this guy basically walking hand in hand with my disorder.I was in a constant strain with an obsession over this guy that I didn’t want. As if things couldn’t get any worse I then got raped by another guy. So safe to say my sexual experiences haven’t been amazing in the past while.

 I had a moment of impulsivity when a guy I knew from the beginning of the uni year messaged me and decided to meet him. It was quite obviously just for sex. I just wanted to have one nice experience. One. But. Why. Why do I keep falling for it. I should know that “just sex” doesn’t work for me. He was very kind and (luckily) everything was consensual. But I feel that same ache in my chest again. Someone gave me validation through sex. Someone wasn’t absolutely horrible to me and showed basic fucking respect and didn’t motherfucking assault me. and now my fucked up brain thinks the only way to go is to obsess over him. It’s just going to end up in a painstaking rejection (if I even reach out again). Or just a low simmering realisation that he’s not interested. The realisation that if he wanted to, he would. 

And now I have to sit with the stabbing realisation. I have to lie on my floor unable to move because the fact that this is what it is. Obsessing over the worst people is the only thing that makes me feel alive. And all while I still have nightmares about being raped.