Sigh... So, I hate to admit this, but I really am still struggling to move on from my relationship with my ex w/ BPD. Yes, it's been a year and a half. Screw me, I guess.   


She was my first girlfriend, my first many other things. We were together for two chaotic years, and it was one of the most confusing and frightening times of my life. It defined my college years, mostly for the worse. Yet, it was also a time I find myself missing sometimes. I suppose, in part, it's because the bad was really just a more concentrated form of what I had been going through for years. I strongly suspect that my Mother suffers from BPD as well, but I digress. Meanwhile the good is something I've yet to replicate.   


I dated another girl briefly at the end of last year, but we split rather quickly. My fears and hopes carried over from my BPD ex, with me trying to replicate what made my times with my ex good without repeating the mistakes. Overall, though, it was a forgettable relationship. I've come close to a new relationship once or twice aside from that, but neither got far.   


Of course, part of it is because, until I graduate at the end of the semester, I'm still living in the state that I never visited before meeting her. I think that's part of why I keep having dreams, though, dreams in which we don't get back together, but we do act friendly and even kiss/hug often. I don't like these dreams. My ex has been spiteful towards me ever since our attempts to be friends failed, and her family has cut me off as well, making no attempt to get my side of whatever lies I'm sure she's fed them.   


In some ways, it just hurts. It hurts to know that the people I trusted like a second family have cut me out, when they had said they would try to help me even if me and my ex broke up. It hurts that every time I try to reach out to my ex for some closure, I get spite. It hurts to know all the effort, time, money I dropped into this relationship ended with me being tossed aside and vilified by people I put so much trust in. Being so close to the end of college hits that especially hard. If I hadn't put so much into this relationship, I'd almost certainly be in a better position financially and possibly emotionally.   


I don't know. It just feels like nobody understands this, and I have trouble explaining it to people as well. I can only hope this all makes sense. 