2,5 months ago, I had an online 10 minute (from which i spoke around 2) powerpoint presentation fpr the uni in a group of 5 people (2 of them professors, 3 of us students) and I downed half a bottle of gin in 20  minutes before it in order to survive it. Imagine: you sit alone in your home, talking into a mic to a few people you never saw and never will see anyway, just speaking into the mic and basically ellaborating on the material from slides, not even being filmed or whatching them.. and you cannot do it for the anxiety that enslaved and kept you under controll with panic attacks. Few weeks after that, I had a job interview on which i got a full-blown panic attack. I almoust fell on the floor but somwhow managed to keep myswlf up. Through some miracle, I got the job (which is good since im on the edge of being homeles). I gues the inteview realized what was happening and was understanding. Started working one month ago (had to wait a month after the interview...) and battled through the nerves and pressure of the job. Fhe first day was so overwhelming that in one moment I decided to just not go to work anymore. But I was determined to hold on no matter what. The final from that uni course presentation was nearing, and I've prepared everything. Even felt OK. No fear and unslept nights. 
Today, I had the final presentation for that uni course. And I wanted to do it while I was on the job, not taking a free day or anything. I wanted to challenge myself. I WANTED to bring myself in an uncomfortable situation,on my own initiative. 10 - 15 mins before the presentation it started getting to me. My heart was pounding, I could not breathe. It was hugely overwhelming. In one moment, I wanted to run out of the building with the laptop and finish the presentation outside, alone. Then I said to myself "stay the fuck there whwre you are. Thats your chair and you are not gonna move." I said to my fear (I imagine it as some entity haunting me) that "I'm not gonna let you controll me. I'm gonna do what I wanna do, not what you want me to do" It started and I embraced every moment of it, all the violent shaking and everything, instead of pulling into myself like always in the face of fear. A half hour session which I've done in the middle of the office surrounded by everyone. Turned on my camera so that I was visible to everyone.
It was over and I stood up and went outside to recollect myself. Was sitting outside with a smile on my face. Then, tear started comming out, uncotrollably. I was never proud of myself in my whole life like I was in that moment..

What I learned:
1. Once you change your mindset toward fear, everything changes. I realized that nothing can happen to me and that it is all in my head. There was nothing *actually* life-threathening although it felt like it was. I EMBRACED THE FEAR, FULLY WELCOMED IT.
2. It is all in your head. I know, a cringey cliche. But its cliche for a reason.. Once you trully internalize that it's all in your head, something changes in a person. You come to terms that you basically developed a bad thinking habit, thats all (literally)
3. DISCIPLINE IS EVERYTHING. Once I understood that the brain is a muscle that changed my views. You can train it like a bicep, you really can. But it requires diacipline. It's like fitness/running etc. At the beginning, it hurts and its exhqusting, but after some time you start to like the challenge. When you truly accept that it is not easy and that it requires a hoge amout of time end effort, with the knowledge that the brain is a muscle, the solution becomes clear: do not give up the fight. Be disciplined to execute for your desires, even if it sucks. It is easy to complain how bad you have it and look for a miracle, a cure-all-and-now gimmick, but it doesnt work. Embrace being uncomfortable. That means that you are challenging yourself and thus growing
4. When expose your bullshit excuses and lies, apply radical honesty and discipline to change your mindset, the reward that comes after it gives you a push of morale to continue even stronger. Al the self-reinforcing loops that you created towards the negatives now start to turn and push you into the other direction. 


Mindset is everything
NEVER GIVE UP, MY FRIENDS.