Almost four months ago, I got my heart broken, and that sent me into the deepest, darkest void I've ever seen. I even had one suicide attempt, but I luckily survived it. I'm significantly better now (in the sense that I don't cry everyday anymore, and ruminating thoughts have really gone down ever since), but I still don't feel okay.

I've gone to see my therapist every week since it happened, and it has brought me an insane amount of comfort; but on the other hand, it has opened my eyes to how fucked up I've always really been: anxiety and fear have ALWAYS ruled my life, ever since I was a kid. I can't remember making a single choice that wasn't even a little bit based on what others would think of me, on what that would make me look like. And, now that I realize this, it has completely fucked me up. I now feel like it follows me everywhere I go. It doesn't even let me sleep, and if it does, I almost everyday have nightmares, so I have no safe place to go. It feels like I'm trapped in my own head. 

Most days this just feels like a huge void of nothingness, like my efforts on getting better are futile. I don't even know what it is that I'm looking for anymore, and whenever I feel even the slightest amount of joy, the next day I'm haunted by these horrible, horrible feelings and thoughts. But I still wake up everyday hoping to find that slight joy. I try to convince myself that this is just another day, that trying truly won't hurt me, but fighting this thing is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. And even though I'm so tired, I know that I have to go on and try to live as peacefully as I can.