I was lying in bed, thinking about stuff when a thought that I'd always have came up: *"Could my medication cause me to do BPD like symptoms?"*

If that was the case, then I'd attack myself because that'd be yet another thing I'm wrong about. And it would've made me seem like some stupid hypochondriac that doesn't know anything about mental health and is trying to chase after a label.

But if that *isn't* the case then I'd attack myself for having yet another problem with my mind. My brain was *even more* defective than I first thought and that'd be yet just another thing to add to the list of ailments I have going on in my head.

Now, I was diagnosed with ADD just 2 or 3 months ago and I was put on Adderal 10mg plus an additional 5 when needed. The Adderall would make my (already very bad) tics worsen though, so I've been on Adderall 10mg plus Intinive 1mg to help with the tics (it doesn't help). So maybe all the emotional shit was just my ADD and the Adderall was just making it worse? If I try to look back and remember instances where BPD would make sense, I always question myself if that actually happened the way I'm saying it did or of I'm just chasing the diagnosis and confirmation bias is getting in the way. I feel like I can't trust my own mind. Hell, I'm still even questioning my ADD diagnosis. It always feels like I'm faking and using these mental disorders as an exscuse to be an unredeemable piece of shit and a waste of time and space.      
*"Oh, I have ADD, sorry I always forget to do homework."*      
*"Oh, I have poor social skills, must be BPD then. I have it worse than others."*     
*"Oh, I lashed out at my friends. Emotional dysregulation is tough."*     
*"Oh, BPD runs in my family apparently, that explains why I have it, then."*

Those types of thoughts make me feel sick and like a terrible person. Trivializing the suffering all **YOU PREOPLE** (you readers) are going through and making it seem like a big joke. Something that's trivial, like feeling "a bit down," or feeling "a tad scared," or something. I feel no better than those jackasses that throw around disorders as synomyms for basic fucking emotions. "I'm sooo *OCD* 😂😂😂" and shit like that. I don't mean to do that and I'm sorry, I apologize wholeheartedly. But I don't know. I just don't know. And it's the not knowing that's getting to me.