To say I’m not good at asking for help is a huge understatement. The truth is, I will do everything in my power to avoid opening up to anyone. I’ve always been that way. For a long time it made me feel strong, it made me feel invincible knowing I could get myself through anything. I had to for a long time.

And now it’s just become kind of who I am. In everyone else’s eyes, I’m the positive, happy, level-headed, stable one. On the inside, I’m completely empty. I have been for years. My friends met me long after I had broken. That’s one of many reasons it’s so hard for me to open up.

They’d obviously help me and still love me if I opened up to them about how much I struggle, but the undeniable truth is that it would completely blindside them and they’d either not believe me or they’d be taken aback at how much of myself I’ve hidden from them for so long. And even if I did open up to them, I can’t shake the thought of, *what’s the point? No one is going to understand me better than I do.* I can’t shake the thought that no matter what their response is, I’m going to be frustrated that they can’t really help me (not angry with them, just even more hopeless for myself). In my head, all I’m hearing is, “What are they going to say that I haven’t heard before?” 

There’s also the factor that every conversation about our problems always seems to turn into one person trying to one-up the other. I have zero interest in that.

My family simply isn’t an option. They don’t believe in mental health. Yeah. Ironically, I can confidently say they’ve got some long-unaddressed mental health issues, some more than others.

And the truth is, I don’t know if I want to completely unlearn my emotional independence. It can be extremely excessive and harmful, but it also makes me who I am. The truth is, it is the one thing that consistently gives me a sense of control. I don’t really have a desire to open up to my friends.

But I do need help. The only person I want to talk to is a therapist. But I don’t know how to find one, how to pay for it, anything.