First of all, Greetings, I'm new arond here, and I'm kinda relieved I've may found a Reddit about BPD.

What I wrote in the title, not trying to be insensible to those who have cancer, is actually a recuring thought I am having in the latest year.

It might be a long post, I had a lot to vent, myabe some ramble are not totally inherent to the whole topic but "are a bit" part of it... and I'm unable to summarize it in a few words, sorry.

Basically, I was diagnosed with BPD the last year, after a decade of dobuts and suspects especially by looking at the symptoms on my own during High School Years... And let's just say, after further clarification I started to look back to all my relationship and how they affected me and how I always acted.

Since elementary school I usualy had fear of being alone, like when I went shopping with my mother, everytime she had to check on a particular product elsewhere and left me on the Toy section, I would freaked out once realized I couldn't find her, or when She and her boyfriend went smoking in a amusement park and left me play to some games and then never find them after the game... The fear was being abbandoned by them, as an accident, unwanted in my thoguht, I always believed everytime they might find the right occasion to dispose me and leave me for good... I wasn't sure the best kid around, I usually have problem with my temper, always exploding in rage at the minimum provocation... I was good at school but never wanted to apply, I was always the strange kid that in class was lost in his world, a toy, a clown for the other kids... I was always kinda violent, sure, my mother wasn't less both on physical and Psychological (Despite theorizing I might have BPD she never ended up being of any support), at the point that instead of talk to me normally about how to not make mistakes, she usually made a guilt trip for me, even at the point, after she screamed at me for just one homework not done, to make me question if "I really loved my Grandpa/Friends", or that I just loved them because they allowed me Everything... Ever since, I, till this day, I never found Her any support figure, I couldn't trust, she was just... a Bad person, like, Always ranting about "Liying", but she was the first to "Lie" to me in order to achieve something, or make me feel worse... She never supported my project, neither my passion, everytime she "Snapped" She ended up breaking some figure from my collection or straight up just scream at me...

Don't get me started with Screaming... Like, I'm afraid of people screaming when they are angry, with me or others, but I have no problem with screaming, especially when I want to defend myself or I want to let others down in an argument... I believe that... The fear of screams came from both my Parents frequent fights, always screaming, and my Grandpa screaming at my grandma, and sometime to me over the stupidest little thing... Even now that I'm almost in the middle of my 20's, whenever someone is screaming in a very angry way, especcially in my direction, direct or not, I shiver, and almost close to panic and cry, and I end up snapping... And screaming...

This last one ended up causing some problem with an old "Friend" of mine... I was driving him and his GF home back from the Gym, they were fighting for nothing, as the girl had some body image issues, and was afraid to get the ice-Cream at the store, HE on the other end, belitled it and made it look like it was an excuse... BTW, Due to his anger, he broke the phone, and tried to give to his GF all the fault, but that is not the point, We were in my car, a very small car, and having them raising their voice constantly in that assaulting way wasn't the best for me... at the climax, I snapped, and screamed them both to stop it... the answer from my "Friend" was: "Explode, you freak", then left the car smashing the door, with the GF remaining, at the point for to ask her "Gently", "You too, leave, no preferences".... BTw, a day passed, He called to "Excuse" saying that "I exagerated a bit", "It was unnecessary", while I reminded him that they were the first screaming, and I didn't say to "Explode" just "Quit it"... Moral of the story!? It was my mistake anyway... Like, It always was like that, "My Mistake"... But they "Understood me" enough to not mind; A huge lie that allow me to see the true face of my so called "Best Friends" months later...

We returned from holidays, I am not the kind of guy to make calls, or messages, and all the time, I was always guilt tripped because of it, this time, during holidays, I contacted my Best Friend in order to update him about the latest chapter of my WIP Novel, but that's it, and it wasn't frequent... it turned out that the "Car fight" Friends, never had received a call from the other one, kinda snapped after one of his usual egoistical guilt trip, and despite be mad to my "Ex-Bestie", He sent me to Hell at my back (I had to get the audio messages from my friend to know), and also the entire group of friends... I was mad, I didn't do anything, and everybody knew about how lazy I'm with not making calls and messages... It was always like this, He gets mad, he screw away everyone, and then He is forgiven, while I always, especially after all the "Anger  Management Therapy" done in High School, had  to keep things to myself, like all the decision, even the one I dislike, of other, Trying to be perfect in order to not be abbandoned, and change myself in order to blend with others... But still I was of the idea that If I screw up like him, I was sure that I wouldnìt have been forgiven, especially after the mistake of two years earlier to choose my Ex-GF over my friend, (but I'll talk about that later), They assured me that wouldn't be the case... 

came a month later, one girl of the group was kinda harsh to me, and as always I kept it from myself... I wanted to talk about it, but there was never an occasion... My "bestie" then came out with the fact that "She and a friend invited him on a pub", and asked me if  "I wanted to come as well", so to talk calmly... There was also the "Car Fight" friend when we talked about it... I don't want to talk how about he talk in her Defense by constantly reminding me to not attack her, to not assault her or scream at her, reminding me of the "Car accident", despite I pointed out it was a response rather than an attack... excluding how he simple twisted His eye toward the sky because He always want to be on the right, I wanted to talk calmy, go at the Pub, having normal conversation, and the bring up the issue, that's it! He backstabbed me, he contacted the girl telling her that "I had to talk to her about something that made me unconfortable", and she cancelled the thing, called my best fried (Who she is close with) and I've overheard that she cancelled everything because she didn't want to be bothered by my "Silly problems"... Really!?

After saluting my friend that night, I decided to text to her Gently, and ask in this way everything, She started to act like a total B\*\*\*\*\*, Superior, Snobby, total opposite how I knew her, and blamed me of the fact I've "Invitated Myself" without her consent, when it was Our friends idea, and Usually Everyone could join friends night out. I tried to explain, and she cast all away as "Stupid things" like they were nothing, but for me it was something, because like, we are starting to know each other, and you ended up acting like you know I'm hopeless and just flawed, below the entire group... She told me we would habe discussed it, but at that point, I could'nt hold how agitated I was, i kept so much, I was ready to explode, I gave proof of how I handled the conversation to my friends... The car one always tried to fine the little detail to frame me as in the wrong... I exploded at the end... If I couldn't count to my friend, what should I do? They never supported me as well when it was about my distressed, all acting it was for nothing... and it was like this for years... we were "Good Friends" over silly things but... When it was about emotional support, I always was there, with nice speeches and my point of view... they never... I was sick, and say that i had enogh... i Blocked them, only to unlock them again after a pair of days, and trying to talk things out once I calmed down... They show their true cards... they ghosted me... they badtalked at my back... turn the entire group against me... making me feel unwanted, miserable... the tumor that was ruining them and that they got rid off... I started, after years, to feel again a void... A void that usually came at that point of life that I think I'm not important for anyone...

In High School, due to having this "Void", the desire to be loved, to be important... to be complete... I ended up falling in love for the first girl that treated me nicely, and it was a horryfying rollercoaster, then came my Ex, and was the first one to reciprocate, but there were many time She was the target of many False-Claim by the "Car Friend and his GF", at the point that, being a period where I wasn't in good relations with them, I stood up for her, and screw them, with my Bestie taking their parts, and be friendless for the whole Year I was with Her, before she cheated on me and left over one stupid argument, even thoug I take credit of all the time my anger prevailed and I was as well abusive... I kinda deserved it... 

And now I'm at the point of life were I'm of the idea that, I can't have a proper relationship with a partner, neither with a friends, the relationship with my family, except for my young brothers and my grandpa, is nonexistent... That all the people I end up interact with will be just hurt from me... And despite how I aknowledge, how I try to be better and change, I end up change for the worst... I just end up accepting I'm a tumor... There is no point being nice, do the right thing and be better, because, despite I want to, it will alwasy be "You had too"... and so, the point became meaningless... I'm afraid of dying, but also i would wish to... afterall, no one is going to cry a complete nobody, a tumor.

&amp;#x200B;

TL:DR - Sorry to have wasted you time... Not feeling great.