I have spent the last few hours just reading and reading about other people’s experiences of dysthimia. Trying to see if I can relate and if my symptoms are valid or I am not an imposteur for feeling like this. 

The things is, I have been struggling with feelings of sadness, emptiness and loneliness ever since I was little, so it feels really weird to think how it might be a mental illness. I am 22 and even though I study psychology and I know a lot about depression, to me it always felt like this is for other people, not for me. I have always been functional, a gifted child, over achiever, externally doing alright and functioning. I got so used to my feelings of persistent emptiness that I thought this is my personality. When a good friend of mine went through a huge depressive episode this year and had to medicate, a part of me felt jealous and that was when I realized something is weird. I was jealous that she asked and received help. Her pain was visible because she isolated and stopped functioning for weeks, but I have always held it so tightly together for others that no one knows how much pain i feel. 

Lately I’ve been feeling so hopeless thinking i am stuck in this body, with this brain, for the rest of my life. I’ve been contemplating suicide a lot. Passively. But it has never been so consistent before. I also have a sort of premenstrual dysphoric disorder because i feel really depressed and get really intense suicidal ideation before my period sometimes.  But this time my period has passed and the ideation is still there. I feel lonely and don’t really know how it can get better since this is all I really know. I feel stuck and unlovable. I get so stuck in my experiences of being rejected romantically and it hurts so much to think about them. I feel like there is something wrong me with me a lot of the time, like I’m really wired differently and hard to find someone to connect with romantically. I know it’s my low self esteem speaking but i can’t make my brain shut up. I feel so sensitive and most people can’t get how much it hurts to live with my brain. I cry randomly. Some days are better than others and I had moments when I felt happy with life, but sometimes i feel like my default state cannot be content and I am doomed to live like this. The worst things is when good things are happening to me and it’s hard for me to acces the feeling of being purely happy or joyful. It doesn’t last long and then i blame myself for it.

My beacon of hope is the fact that i am in the process of changing my therapist, the one I’ve been seeing for aprox 2 years. Even though we talked about my pessimistic and low mood states, she never suggested on diagnosing. Now i reached a point where i feel stuck and even though i know what experienced from my childhood might make me feel like this, i feel like knowing these things doesn’t enable me to change anything about myself, it just makes me feel more stuck.

Thank you if you had the patience to read. I think i needed to vent. It’s like i’m waiting for someone to validate my feelings, I think I just want to be seen and believed. It’s probably the first time I look at myself and also admit all of these to myself as well. but i’m still super scared that nothing is gonna change for me and that dysthimia is a curse and a life-long struggle that is never gonna end.