I hope this doesn’t end up being too long but yh

So I’ve had this friend whom I’ve known since childhood and is also a close family friend. Most of my friendships and relationships I’ve had I’ve noticed it’s almost always initiated by them and I get attached to the feeling of being needed/wanted. I found it hard to make and keep friends due to social anxiety and getting too close too quick to the wrong ppl.

My memories with her leave me very confused about how I feel, as there were times were I had a lot of fun and felt cherished as a friend, but a lot of the time I felt like I was just there cause I had always been there. She would often make quite rude comments that would be quite hurtful about the way I looked or acted (oh wow you spoke, making comments about nose, body hair) but it was also the way she was, so I always let it go because everyone kind of knew that was the way she was and it wasnt that serious. She went through a lot of bullying and was also known to have bullied a few ppl in primary school though she grew out of that. She does have quite a traumatic past, and at heart she is from what I know a good person with good intentions. 

As we grew up we began to open up more about past experiences, and I ended up oversharing a lot of information about my past sexual abuse and my sex addiction at the time, she also was aware of my attempts and I think it was quite hard for her to handle (she was 15). She would ignore me and tell me I made it up and in general there were a lot of issues around that time. I was at a time were I was opening up to a lot of the wrong ppl and I would get angry when they didn’t react the way I wanted them to. It was generally not a good time for either of us but we ended up making up later and speaking about it and we became fairly close again.

It’s been two years since, and I’ve gone through a lot of therapy and change and self development (thank god lol), and I have since been questioning a lot of the relationships I’ve had in the past. It’s still feels confusing and I don’t itsjust my fault anymore. She will sometimes be so supportive and loving and other times quite harsh and tends to ignore a lot. There’s a lot of similar behaviors that don’t seem healthy and it triggers a lot of my paranoia and low sense of worth.

Whether the issue is me or her, or both, I was wondering if it would be good for me to distance myself/take a break from this relationship as it don’t feel quite right. I think I’m also very used to either completely cutting off from ppl or keeping ppl around because they’ve always been there and it would cause a lot of anxiety if they weren’t there. This has been my longest friendship but also one of the most complicated, and it feels like it wouldn’t be easy to disconnect as our families are friends too. I’m not sure what to do or how to approach it if I wanted to speak to her about it.