Background: still recovering from my first really bad manic episode that lead to a hospitalization / diagnosis in the fall.

It's a weird isolating thing, bipolar. I know everyone is alone in their own heads, but I don't recognize who I was when I said horrible things to people I care about. I feel like there is nothing more to me than erratic brain chemistry. It's fucked up how self sabotaging someone can become &amp; then over time metaphorically sober up &amp; with horror acknowledge the wake of damage you caused to your whole life. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore &amp; I feel dread recently when interacting with people.

I'm lucky (&amp; thankful) to have some, what I perceive to be, meaningful relationships but I feel like....incapable of connecting with people now, or hesitant to almost. Or I can't tell if what I think is meaningful is just superficial. I have usually had an okay time with having relationships with people, but after the bombshell of a psychotic episode I feel like a timid dog coming from an abusive home. But the abusive home is my brain. It's like non consensual self(?) Induced alienation &amp; it's bummin me out.

I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore, but I feel like I've lost something. I feel janky &amp; without the social confidence I used to like about myself. Imposter syndrome with new found paranoia maybe.

Anyway I just felt the need to rant. If you have any words on your experience with alienation &amp; bipolar let me know.