Hello all,

I am working really hard to overcome some serious mental health setbacks, and I thought maybe you guys could help me with support or feedback.

I am 34 years old. I lost my job as a biology professor one year ago due to mental illness. In November 2015, after over a decade of struggling with treatment-resistant depression, I was diagnosed with type II bipolar disorder. And now, this week, my therapist has told me that I fall somewhere on the BPD spectrum.

I was the daughter of a single mother with very debilitating BPD and type I bipolar. After my dad moved out when I was ~6, I was a parentified child, meaning I took care of myself (and her) while she mostly slept. Life with her was very difficult, codependent, extremely chaotic and tumultuous. She would do things like rage at my brother and me, then lock herself in her room, then be angry with us the next morning because we didn't pick the lock on her bedroom door and apologize (for whatever perceived transgression we'd committed). My whole life revolved around her moods, her needs, and trying to make her happy. Despite all of this, she kicked me out at age 15 after I mentioned that I had considered moving in with my father. Over the years I have tried again and again to have a relationship with her, but her behavior is just too damaging. Due to the severity of her illness and her inability or unwillingness to have a non-abusive relationship with me, I had to go no contact about 2.5 years ago. 

Now, with all of my very serious mental health struggles (I've been hospitalized twice in the past year, new diagnoses, and frequent suicidal ideation, even now), loss of my career, frequent irrational/extreme behaviors... I feel very lost. I don't have anyone to talk to who can relate to what I'm going through. I can't talk to my mother because (1.) she is abusive, and (2.) truthfully, she seems to delight in my mental illness. 

As for me... I have very extreme emotions, from grief to rage to embarrassment. I misinterpret people's behavior frequently, leading to very tumultuous relationships. I cannot handle criticism of any sort. I am extremely empathic and sensitive. When I get very upset (which is frequently these days) I scream, curse, slam doors and threaten to leave and never come back. I threaten to hurt myself just because I don't know how to keep on living this way. 

Is there anyone who can relate to what I've said here today? Do you have any suggestions on how to accept this new diagnosis, or what steps to take now? I am in the process of reading "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" at the suggestion of my therapist. I currently take lithium and Tegretol for my bipolar II, but I don't know if there are better medications for borderline.

Thank you all very much for reading. &lt;3