I've never been told so, but privately, for a long time, I've thought of myself as depressed. I'm not comfortable sharing all of my experiences, but growing up I had one sister who was diagnosed with depression and was always looked at as a failure. My family was disappointed in her and wasn't big on mental illness or therapy or treatment. Helping my sister was an exception and a last resort, so I always kinda kept what I was going through to myself. My family's always known something was wrong with me, but just call it "moodiness" and have never tried to help me or explain it to me (when I was a kid, I mean). I started having issues at a very young age, and worked through the aggressive, attention-grabbing stuff that showed outwardly, but I don't think I've ever really dealt with it properly. Now it feels almost too private to share or seek help for.

Also, bipolar disorder runs in my family. Quite a few of my close relatives have been diagnosed with it and my mother has suffered with it (very much in denial and blaming others for what she does) for as long as I've been around. Recently I've started to wonder if maybe that's what I'm dealing with too. It feels weird to think of myself as bipolar rather than depressed after so long, like rebranding myself or something. Has anyone ever experienced this? And what if the highs I experience are just plain happiness and I'm not used to it? They've always felt different but idrk. but if I do have bipolar disorder I want to know the truth to the best of my ability and be proactive about it. Growing up, my mother made our lives very difficult and confusing, and I don't want to do that to anyone.

I'm in college now and my school has free counseling, but idk if I'm ready to talk to someone or if I even know how. Personal questions make me really agitated (probably something a therapist might wanna unpack oop). Like sometimes my dad will ask what I did at school, and for no reason it pisses me off and I can't make myself answer him. Idk if I could get past that to talk to a professional. And I can't help but be bothered by the little voice in my head saying I really am just dramatic and "moody". She's pretty loud. Any advice or similar stories would be appreciated; I'm feeling like I'm pretty much on my own here.