Hello everyone 👋

My name is Merry and I want to share with you something that has bothered me for a long time.

To know me a bit better, I just turned 24, I have ADHD and bipolar 2. Some part of me has always felt guilty for tiny mistakes I make like being late or answering a question wrong, not being able to think quickly and bringing someone's mood down bc I'm depressed or... 

I also have been an anxious being to the point of anxiety attacks and panic mood when I am not in charge of the situation. Sometimes I feel as if I am trapped mentally when an issue rises that is out of my control.

I have been to therapy and to psychiatrists and I'm taking medication.

One thing I have never been able to share with anyone and I feel so guilty for doing it is that sometimes when I am having a very bad depressed day or difficult time, I just want to be punished. I want someone to hit me physically, or beat me up. I want someone to emotionally and physically make me feel worthless or... I just need to feel the pain... I want to feel the pain, a tangible way and I want to be told it is all my fault. I don't want to actually to be hurt I don't actually want my thoughts to happen but at the same time I want a physical pain.

I'm not proud of it and feeling ashamed as well for even feeling all this. I know it is not healthy, I know that part of it is because I want to know the pain is real... 

I just can't seem to be able to share this with my counselors or friends, I feel like a freak, fantasizing about getting hurt, raped or anything it's so so horrible. 

