Read if you would like, don’t if you don’t. Don’t really care anymore.

I have decided that I have extended my time here far too long and that this needs to be amended. I am too broken and fucked up to be out here pretending like I can have a normal life. I am not normal. I’m fucked up in the head, probably permanently. I truly feel sorry for and apologize to the people that I have brought into and kept in my life, this fate is by far the cruelest for them. Dealing with the aftermath of a suicide  is a terrible and irrevocable disaster. 

I feel continuously guilty for having foolishly continued my life around them, for I have only exacerbated the pain in which they will feel. If I could die without affecting another, I would do so immediately. 

But here we are, 28 years in and nothing to show. A failure I remain and no change in sight. I don’t know why I must continue down this path.

To my love, god I am so sorry. 

I have tried so hard this entire time to do right by you, because you deserve that. You truly deserve someone who will be good to you and inspire and motivate you. You deserve the world, out of every person I have ever met, you were the only person who was truly authentic from the start, that is what I loved most about you. Even if I didn’t like every little bit, it was still unapologetically you. And that deserves respect beyond most peoples recognition. It was inspiring to me, I wanted so much to be like that. Unafraid to be myself, at all times. 

But I am not that, I am terrified and anxious at all times to be myself, constantly questioning my every move, action and word. I am unable to express myself, I always feel the pressure surmounting within. The pressure to be myself, but it cannot break past the wall. There is always a barrier preventing me from truly existing. This is a barrier that I myself have created, long long ago. It is a barrier that I have tried to demolish, brick by brick.

I am so terribly tired, so tired of fighting my own demons. I am exhausted, beyond any doubt, especially within this last month. I keep trudging along, hoping that I will perk up and that things will realign mentally for me so that I can finally realize that everything is okay.

But I am not, I am not okay. I am drowning, I am treading water and my head is dipping below, I take In breath only to find water in my gulps. I think to myself, when do I find land. When do I trust, when do I relax. 

I don’t. That’s the trick of it. You never do, you just go to therapy and find clever coping mechanisms beyond what you previously thought was effective (drugs)  and hope for the best. Everyone keeps saying

“ It just takes time.”


It’s been ten years, ten years of triggers, ten years of nightmares, ten years of wondering if I would ever truly feel at peace.

Ten years and I haven’t, maybe for a moment or so I do. But it never, ever lasts. I am always drawn back in, I am always tortured by the nightmares of my past. They infiltrate continually, unwanted and unwarranted but present they remain. They chew and tear and take bits away with every bite. I have thought time and time again, this must be the last bite.

But it continues, faith catches hold momentarily and then it dissipates, leaving only the memory of what I once wasn’t. 

I feel as though I survived through such horrors and unfortunately lived. I should have died long ago.

I should have never been born.

This may be a depression, I know.  But god does depression feel more like the truth than anything else.

I wish I could die and not feel the guilt of leaving them behind, I regretfully continue forward in their name. I don’t want to be here, I don’t belong here. I hate every morning that I wake up.