im not sure what this falls under. i have not been diagnosed with anything and most of my life i have been fine. this year i turned 19 years old back in june and it feels like everything after that has gone to shit. i am not the same person i was at the year start. right now i really do feel like dying, but also not really which ill explain.

it started after i lost my job at a retirement home's dining facility in early july. i was handling freaking out over my stress of waitering (the job didnt start as waitering, but delivering food to homes) and taking nonstop heat from the boss for a while, but one day just broke me for some reason. i dont think my dad was happy i quit on the spot like that but he was collected in the end, and told me he wouldve also quit if he knew it would devolve into waitering.

i got another temp job at a bookstore until the fall college semester started. the subject i was majoring in (electrical engineering) was not a fit for me (i only was taking it because my dad took it and cant disappoint him) and i had another breakdown after the first day. my mom decided i should take a different major and when we broke that to dad, he was upset at first. he told me "when are you gonna stop quitting things and start enduring?" even after he calmed down and agreed i should change major i was still scared as shit.

the start of october. i get another part time job working for some guys paintball gun refurbishing gig. first day goes fine, he has me degrease (or clean) gun parts. next day goes to hell. he has me buffing parts (holding them up to a spinning wheel to shine them) and i am no good at it. the wheel is so fast it heats my hands and the parts fly out of my palms. he has to show me multiple times and i feel nothing but embarrassment. i think to myself, "this is all my life will be" and i breakdown again. he sends me home, on good terms, but i was freaking out the whole time knowing dad would be pissed. he was.  he told me something along the lines of "son, your anxiety is real, but the cause is not" which in my head translates to "son, you're delusional and this needs to stop". i go to the doctor a few weeks later, get meds; they dont work. dad is fine but not happy about any of this. i start to wake up in fear, lying there for up to an hour just shaking. sucks this all had to happen near the end of the year when he uses his all of his leftover vacation days, so of course hes on me like a hawk.

now im really freaking out over becoming an adult. all i see in my approaching future is working a miserable 9-5 job for 40+ years; thats over twice my current lifespan. my life up to this point has already felt like forever, now i need to live 2 more times feeling worthless and exploited? ill probably end up with a nothing job where nobody likes the work but nobody is grateful for you doing it either. "oh, but the best incentive to work is a big fat paycheck!" yea, that would be nice if i didnt have to spend all of it on 20 different necessities. a car, car insurance, a house, bills, taxes, repairs, food, it makes money worthless to me. i got my job back at the bookstore after getting vaccinated and dad thinks im only doing it for "spending money"...nope, only money im gonna need to survive. dad tells me i work to live, i say no! i work to survive. i cant have nice things right now. i also dont like interacting with coworkers anyway since ive been a social shut in ever since i got plucked from public school in the third grade. homeschool probably played a huge chunk in where i am right now.

i like to be creative. i enjoy art, animation, game design, and the occasional writing. dad cares for none of it because it cant make a career fit for a family and is just gay to him. my older sister already majored in art and dad really wasnt happy about that; he mocked her about it to me behind her back occasionally. now i have to uphold some expectation for dad since he sure doesnt want 2 artsy kids. i cant even truly follow my passion in any free time i have because 1. its so much work for just me that itll never get done, i cant get a team for an entire game, and 2. my parents are always looming over me and i hate when they see what i work on, but i cant tell them to leave me alone because theyre my superiors and do what they want with a pawn like me.

im not gay. i dont like men. but i struggle with my identity and i dont like being labeled a man. i didnt have any say when the doctor saw me at birth, so now i have to uphold some shitty man image for this entire family, not just my dad. people only point out how tall or broad i am, or how bushy my beard is; i wish they would see me as a person before that. i have to brainwash myself back into being a man. all these people on the internet opened me up to new ideas about myself but i must forget them now. it was unrealistic anyway according to dad.

what do i mean when i say "i really do feel like dying, but also not really"? well sure i think of it all the time, but im too scared of what awaits on the other side. my family is christian meaning ive been exposed to that all my life, including haha leviticus 18:22 proves everything you think is wrong, so i wouldnt want to kill myself and be face to face with god, who would condemn me for letting people down and scarring them for their lives in that action. so im trapped here. whats the point of god making us humans individuals if we all have to act the same way and mindlessly follow him regardless? i wish i never knew of this but what can i do. it isnt helping me physically.

im still at the bookstore for the rest of this month, thats going as fine as it can, though i still secretly cry now and then. not sure about next month since thats the spring semester, but i dont even want to think about that. i dont care that i like working with computers and that it would be a good career choice, because a fulltime career in them will still probably break me for feeling like wasted time, or for panicking after upsetting the boss; of course also all the fees i mentioned that come with living by myself. i just want it to end, i keep telling myself. it never does.

i have fantasies of going on in the woods and hiding until i starve then decompose. as long as no one finds me, it will be nature running its course. so it wouldnt be a suicide, right? thats all i think. i can never do it though because if my parents do send a search force, i would not want to come back home to dad after such a bold action. hed probably be disappointed for life.

all that people say is "hold out hope, it will get better eventually!" but i am full on powerless in this situation. i do not inflict power on the world, it only inflicts onto me. all i can do is appeal to my bastard dad and never let myself get too comfortable in my passion for art because its just frilly and pointless. i grin and bear it for the most part until i break down and cry again and my poor mother has to comfort me. even if she is subliminally messaging me with her christian podcasts, its better than nothing i guess! i was not meant to live this far end of story.

my apologies that this is a lot to read and my gratitude if you did read all of it. i do not anticipate an answer, i just needed to let this out to anyone other than my mother. i promise i will not hurt myself. thank you