I’ve suffered with being depressed for over 10 years now and I’m just exhausted from it. I was about 18 when I really distinguished what BPD was and looking into sources and things that help, as I’d been to doctors before who had totally dismissed me. When I was 16 I’d told my doctor I’d attempted suicide to which he’d asked why, and when I explained that my family life was really difficult he’d said that couldn’t be the case as he’d been my family doctor for years and my parents were great people. This was a massive blow to me and made me terrified to try again for help. When I was 18 I reached out again but 3 doctors in a row just paid no attention and didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong till I met the fourth who routinely tried me on all sorts of anti depressants. None of which really helped.  

I finally managed to get counselling after being raped and from then I’ve been in and out of crisis teams and different therapists and don’t all the CBT and dbt that can be rammed down your throat but it feels like nothing has budged. I really feel terrible every waking minute of the day and genuinely just wish that I’d die but the only think keeping me going is my pet, but my agreement with myself is I can’t die before him. He’s elderly now so I know he maybe only has a few years left but I’m so content with the fact that soon I’ll get to go. 

I had my last therapy appointment today and I’d told my therapist that I just feel like I can’t do this anymore and I feel bad for wasting their resources when I truly no longer feel like I can be helped. I’m resentful of the fact I didn’t get help when I first asked which I’m sure would’ve changed a lot of who I am now but it’s not the case and I don’t want to do this anymore. Part of me is disappointed my therapist didn’t seem to care at all of my decision but I guess it was mutual as our limit of sessions ran out today anyway, but I had told her I won’t be pursuing anything else after this but part of me feels like someone should really care? I have no care for myself but I feel like from a professional point you would be concerned about someone who actively has a plan and could essentially be ready to go at a moments notice. 

I’m sorry I needed to vent this out, I’ve seen other posts similar but I needed to get all my words down somewhere.