The one year anniversary of my last, and most serious, suicide attempt is coming up in less than two months. It's been on my mind almost every day, because I am a bit terrified of how I'll react. I don't think I'll do anything to hurt myself, but I wouldn't be surprised if the days before and after end up being difficult. Especially since it'll be so close to my birthday. I'm afraid of all the attention that will be on me, attention I will definitely not want.

So I decided to try coping ahead. I'll practice mindfulness every day, and when I can, I'll add to my plan for those days. I looked up at the date/time of when I called the ambulance. It made me cry. I'm so sad every time I think about it, but I know it's important I face this a little bit whenever I can before the date comes up.

I don't exactly know what I'll do about my birthday yet. I want to celebrate the 1st anniversary of my decision to live (and not let the illness win). I just don't think I can do it surrounded by everyone who wants to be around me on my birthday.

I think it's important I remember why I'm doing this. I'm alive. I'm worth it. I make a difference in the lives of the people who love me.

And my cats. My cats are the best.