I’m typing this out mostly to vent but also because I just feel like I’m crazy and I need someone who might at least understand to listen to me. 

My boyfriend of three years told me he feels obligated to say he loves me. He’s told me that if it were easier, if I had a support system and a backup plan, we would have been broken up by now. He’s told me he’s not physically attracted to me because I gained weight during the time we’ve been together (he’s gained weight too.) despite everything, I loved him. I still do. I never saw a future for myself. He made me think a future was possible for me. For the first time I saw myself living past age 30. Despite everything we had go on with us, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. 

We’ve had a slew of problems over the course of three years, mostly due to my priorly undiagnosed BPD. And tonight, when he was actually telling me how he felt for once, I asked if there was anything I could have done to save the relationship, and he told me mental stability. He admits I got better in the last year or so, since finding out I have BPD, but he also resents me and isn’t able to move past the things I’ve done. He even blames me partly for his own mental decline, which I understand. I’ve been awful at times, even if I can’t remember all of them. 

I destroy people. Sometimes without even knowing it. There’s this monster in me that I don’t even know is there half the time and does things without me knowing. I’m destructive to myself, but I also destroy those around me. How can I let anyone love me, even when all I want is to be loved, when I know I’ll destroy them. Why would anyone want to love me. 

BPD is who I am. It consumes my entire being. There’s no cure. I can have good times and bad times. I can manage my reactions to things. But I’ll always have BPD, and I think it’ll stop me from ever having a healthy relationship. 

Thanks for listening. Remember to eat and drink some water. Sorry if this didn’t make any sense.