I’ve managed to take hold of the destructive habits I’ve had in the past through therapy and medication, but the thing I can’t seem to overcome is this ridiculous outer child mindset, combined with this ideation that everyone hates me, that they do things on purpose to make me upset, that they like leaving me out of things.

My partner had friends over last night — no big deal. I had to get up early for work so I went to bed around 10. He said he’d make everyone go home around 11. 
He and his friends played music in another room at a respectable level.  He works a lot and doesn’t get to see his friends, and I wanted some space that evening, so I was fine with the situation, but my self-sabotaging brain tried to convince me otherwise.

The whole time I’m lying there, these intrusive thoughts start to pop in my head. Things like:

“He’s taking too long to see his friends out as they leave because he thinks you’re annoying.”

“Everyone has a better time without you.”

“Your partner is being loud on purpose to upset you.” 

Like, what the fuck?
It makes me feel like a little kid who constantly needs attention.

A rational brain would think: 

“I’m so happy that my partner has time for his friends! He is having so much fun and it’s okay if he has them over a couple of minutes later than anticipated, because he never gets to have time with them! I’ll see him in the morning and I know he loves me! I asked for space anyway so this is great!”

It’s like I’m constantly battling this other toxic side of me that keeps trying to come out, while the rational side of me is content with situations like last night. I told my partner that it’s like a big contradiction. I’m happy, and when I am, my brain tries to analyze everything just to find something wrong, because I am convinced I don’t deserve to be happy.

So. That’s my dilemma lately. It’s really stupid, and I hate when I feel perfectly fine about something and the unhealthy side tries to eat me up and make me think I’m not allowed to just be content. 

Anyone else have this problem? I don’t know how to explain it, so hopefully someone understands what I’m trying to say. 

