i’ve been struggling with depression since at least 16. some mildly traumatic things happened in my household before that: my mom was in a toxic marriage with my stepdad - who was at the time abusing substances, lashing out, overall making bad decisions that would impact our family, was a convert to the lds church, had experiences with grown men that made my skin crawl. my grandpa also died, growing up we were close. it all happened during those tight knit, formative years. it’s a bunch of shit that sticks with me to this day. and when i start to feel low, these are things my brain likes to start filtering in. they start to play like movies in my head. it’s the feeling of listening to sad music - it’s intimate, your soul knows how those lyrics got there, why it sounds the way that it does. it’s comforting in a way, but it’s also heavy on your already heavy spirit. 

i also feel like i never really learned how to be an adult. how to actually be responsible. i can fake these things really well, but i am always floating with my head just above the water. i’m not reliable, i can be extremely impulsive, i don’t know what stability is. i feel like i’m always running from something or trying to patch something together desperately. except for those strange moments where i feel like i can see the light! where i start to see how a spiritual awakening is right there in front of me - where i can become a new person, and finally break free. that lasts for a few days. then i finally wake up the next morning. but, it’s actually not morning anymore, it’s 2pm and i start to think about quitting my 14th job. everything feels like static - and i know this heaviness won’t last forever, i just have to catch my next high. but it’s exhausting to live like this.