I’ve been doing better with my mental health. But there are always relapses. Bad life events, losses, missed opportunities, bad luck, lost love that brings me crashing back down to ground zero. I feel like I’m being punished for something I can’t place or make up for. Like it’s just one bad thing after another. The second I get my head out of the water to breathe another wave comes crashing down pulling me back under where I’m tumbling and drowning, grasping for air just to find the surface again. I feel like I genuinely wasn’t meant to be happy in this life. I think some people are just like I think some people are meant to find their dream jobs or their soulmates. Some people just have that. And some other people, like myself, just don’t.

I’d give anything to just know what that feels like. What it feels like to wake up every morning and feel good. To wake up next to someone I love who loves me back, uncomplicated. To clock in to a job that makes me look forward to the hours of 9-5. To come home with sigh of happiness instead of sigh of relief that I only have a few more hours left of the day to endure. To live, not just survive. I’d do anything to know what that feels like. But instead everything feels so bleak, so hopeless, so…dead end. I keep trying, I keep trying to find those special things, special people, special moments and hold on to them. And every single time something out of my control happens, somehow I’m disappointed or I’m punished. And I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Heartbreak crushed me and I’ve been rebuilding myself and crumbling all over again ever since. Like a fragile house of cards. Every shake of the table, every breathe that comes a little too close, and my cards come falling down all at once. 

I just want to be happy. Uncomplicatedly happy. Content. Loved. Happy.