Im 28F, mother of almost4yoG and I have BPD. I have a difficult relationship with my family, and my partner moved out yesterday. Im suicidal everyday. I feel like my body is at war with my meds, i have nightmares every night and wakeup exhausted from them. I am irritable, and have little patience and am exhausted from trying to be a the kind of parent that my daughter deserves. I have pushed my partner to the point that he has given up on trying to live with me and help me through this, in the most crucial of times  he has left and im not coping with the rejection and abandonment. Tomorrow would be my brothers 39th Birthday, he committed suicide 10 years ago. a few hours ago i started to think that tomorrow would be a good day to end it, because its already a hard day for my parents, It will be one less anniversary for them to deal with each year because its already a hard day for them. My daughter is the only thing that has kept me alive, and for fear of her father trying to take full custody i have been too scared to seek help by going to the hospital. Now im at the point where i really need it, and im worried ill lose her anyway, so do i just do this while she is still young? maybe she can have a better life if i go now. Despite what my family and partner think, i have been trying so hard and i just cant keep hanging in there anymore. at the moment, 2 weeks seems like a lifetime to wait to see a new doctor. I have never felt so alone. I have attempted suicide twice, and had ideation last year, all resulting in hospitalisations. I feel so stuck, my only options to get out of this right now are hospital or death and hospital seems like the harder option. 