Hi! I hope every single one of you’s is staying safe and hopefully you’ll have a lovely day.
Now onto the venting bit.

So a couple of days ago I tried to kill myself. I was sitting in my car, having a really bad day and remembering every single time I’ve been a real piece of shit to the people I love. I remembered all the times I’ve been a manipulative asshole to people, especially this girl I really like. It felt like we had a bond, that absolutely beautiful, terrifying, mysterious, cosmic connection that just couldn’t be anything from this world. I ruined it all.
I knew we were growing more distant, I knew she didn’t see me like she used to anymore and the fear of abandonment was so very real. So I tried everything in my power to get her to stay. I was unconsciously and consciously manipulating her to stay, I spilled my heart out to her and I showed her my most vulnerable side. I started picking fights with her because it felt like she didn’t care anymore so of course that was the only way I could prove to myself that she did. Here’s the thing. She wasn’t leaving, she just didn’t give me that attention anymore that I so desperately needed. And it was so fucking hard for her but me in my self-obsessed world didn’t see it. All I could see was the bad and I focused on the negative. 

So back to the main event I suppose. I was sitting in my car, drinking wine(I never drive drunk and didn’t that day either). I finished the bottle, broke it on the sidewalk and picked up the sharpest piece of glass I could find in the dark. I was gonna do it. I didn’t have anyone to reach out to because I deleted my facebook just moments earlier. All I had was her number but our relationship had run it’s course. Surely I can’t text her because she hates me right? Well I did. I don’t honestly know if that was the last manipulative act on my part anymore, it all just sort of blurs together at this point.
Anyway, she showed up. I sat in her car and I cried until there wasn’t any tears coming out anymore.

She did care and she still does... then why the fuck does it feel like she hates me?

Im not sure why I decided to vent here. I think it’s because you people get it.
I think I’ll have a pretty good day today. The road to getting better is hard but I think it’s gonna be worth it.