I've been having the dreams. And in the dreams I see her again, and I wonder... why is it that she is now there. After so many years of nothing. I wonder why she appears there.    

And the thing about it is that she is inexistent. She is more fantasy and a figment than something real. And yet of course there is her real human counterpart that roams in a different state... But I never knew her. Not really. I fell in love with her shadow. And my symptoms of mental illness coincided with me falling in love with her... Falling in love for the first time. And in my illness and in my symptoms she took proportions far beyond who she naturally was. And she became part of my delusion and my paranoia.    

I promised myself I would never look for her. And I haven't. I imagine that she was spared my company and my obsession. I imagine that it isn't good for someone as ill as myself to try and deter her from the life she can have. But her being in my dreams is what bothers me. It agitates me and I dislike it... or so I'd like to believe.    

And I collect these little dreams I have of her. And I wish to remain asleep for her once more. And when I wake up I ask myself why? When life already had sustained a comfortable coherence and my thoughts were predictable once again. And yet the shadow of this girl whom I haven't seen in almost a decade still haunts me.