I'll spare the details, but my roommate/bestfriend/FWB wants to find his own place when our lease runs out next year. I'm terrified, I'm heartbroken, I'm confused, I'm desperate. I'm head over heels in love with him and I told him that a few months back (it looked like we were "breaking up" as much as a non-couple can do that, and I wanted to say it even though I knew it wasn't mutual). I feel like it's just so that he can see other people, since now even if we ended our agreement (FWB, nobody else involved, if we want to pursue someone else we break things off FIRST) he wouldn't be able to bring anyone back or I would flip shit. I have extreme jealousy and insecurity issues, and he knows it.

I'm not posting here to ask for advice on how to convince him to stay, or anything like that. I just don't know what to do. I'll have to scramble to try to save enough money to find my own place, since I can't stay here. I hate to leave (memories) but I couldn't stay either (memories, and finances). I have a lot of time to prepare since the lease doesn't run out until spring, but he's hinted he might leave a little earlier if he finds a place. 

I just don't know what to do. I can't see my therapist yet because work refuses to give me even an hour early off of work to go see her, and her work hours are the same as mine. I haven't seen my therapist since June, and I'm supposed to go every 1-2 weeks but work keeps denying my requests even though I'm playing by the rules (two weeks notice for time off and all that). Usually I'd talk to a particular friend about this stuff but she'll just try to convince me to come stay with her in another province, or "threaten" to come here whether I want her to or not. I just need to vent and have a shoulder to cry on, maybe get some friendly advice, without anyone getting pushy about what I should do. 

Between work, love, friendships, money, family, it's all too much. And work is the worst, because they're knowingly preventing me from getting treatment I *need*, but I can't quit quite yet. I've got something in the works but it's not at the point where it could be my main income yet, so I've got probably 3-4 weeks left. It's not only bad because of that, though, and even the drama is bullshit I can ignore. It's going into homes every day (I'm a maid) and seeing so many couples and families, and knowing all I want is love (no kids, but a loving relationship) and having it shoved in my face when I'm going through all of this. I feel completely broken and unlovable, like I'll only ever be good for sex and then I'll be thrown out as soon as the guy gets tired of me. Last night I bawled for hours, I had the urge to self-harm during my shower (I didn't go through with it), and then afterwards we had great make-up sex, but he still wants "his own place" and that leaves me in a tight spot in a lot of ways. Like I said before, I'm scared and heartbroken and confused. But for now I have to wipe up the tears and get to work, because I'm about to be late for a job I hate, and if he's leaving then I need all the money I can get to find a nice place in the spring. 