Trigger warning: suicidal ideation.

My FP (who happens to be my partner), left for a sudden (found out last week) work trip abroad this morning. He will be away for 4 days, then back for a week, gone for 2 weeks  back for a few and then gone for another 2 weeks. Busy working so no time to text/call much. I'm happy for him. 

We've been together for over a year and living together as well. He has been the most supportive person in my life and helped me get through the worst depressed/suicidal states yet - he is the reason I am still here and don't attempt...

Besides him and my therapist, I don't have any other support. 

I lived alone before in 2020 and earlier, so thought that I would be ok being alone again for a bit now. I was sortof looking forward to it (being alone, unstimulated and not having to worry about negatively effecting my FP), but since I dropped him at the airport I feel restless and anxious among many other negative feelings. The silence is killing me and I can't stop suicidal ideation (been struggling with feelings of it for many months now and started anti-depressants a month ago). 

It's only been 5hrs since he left and I feel like I am going crazy. Inner trembling. I don't understand what and why this is happening, I am not a typical co-dependent type and am fine to be on my own generally. 

I don't want to message him because I know he is busy and the last thing he needs it to worry about me too... 

I'm writing in a journal every few minutes/ hour to try vent out my emotions but it's not helping and I don't feel like doing anything but negative self soothing...