so this time it was with my father and was awful I was only trying to say that he should treat me like a daughter not a bff bc after years apart bc his addiction hes been clean for like 4 years and right now I really need someone understand me and all he does is treat me like a friend and I'm in a aggressive episode so he call me out a lot of time saying that I was looking for a fight and now I finally get one and I should deal as a adult bc as I say he should treat me like father bc I was dealing smoking a lot and screaming he give 0 fucks and dont understand the point that I was trying to make and ok screaming doesn't help but then the worst part was he said I need to go to bathroom to breath and then talk to me and then I said I need a moment to listen to sad song and smoke to call me down just like he needed to go to the bathroom to breath and then he take to the side that I was implying that he was going to do cocaine and that wasn't never my point and then I started to cry and he said that I was looking for that that I shouldnt cry and victimize myself and hurt so much bc all my life i was worried about him and this addiction and was really unfair touch in this point and then he said that's really life you cant go outside and smoke every time something wrong happens and I known that but if I dont I'll literally losing my mind for completely and honestly I dont care about dying then he said if you smoke one more you have to leave and now I'm going home after taking a lot of rivotril 

and you know the funny thing? I always try to control my symptoms when I'm at his house I try to make my better version so we can continue ignoring everything but this time I couldn't I'm in my lowest point and he said that even it's my lowest point that I dont know what really is (I'm thinking about s word everyday) knows that he saw my side he treat like I was crazy and saying things that made 0 sense

anyways sorry for the long rant but right now I'm feeling guilt and at the same time I dont want to talk with him

that's more a rant but I want support so... pls somebody read this I'm feeling so empty guilty and that I fucked up again

ps: not caring about checking my grammar at Google translate