I went to the gym this morning to get in a workout. I usually play basketball, I love to it’s fun for me and I grew up playing. The gym I go to has an indoor basketball gym. So I went in and today when I was shooting I can just feel everybody having something to say. As usual I was playing by myself. I started to think about some of the shit my family and my old friends put me through and it just started hitting me hard. I don’t have any special connection with anyone around me, just wake up everyday repeat to be lonely. I feel so wronged. I have to live with my brother who is turning 28 this summer, this guy has held me back and lied and tried to ruin so much of my shit…. I hear him talking and I just wanna punch him in his face but I know I can’t because my family will try to have me arrested. It’s just really hard when this happens. Because now I’m just thinking and feeling like ima have to go to work tonight and just slave away for nothing, to come back to people who torment me and give no fucks about my life. I know I’m close to getting away from them, but then what? I go else where and what am I supposed to find. This gives me so much anxiety. I have a lot of people around me who just try to trash on my life and hurt me and they do it for fun and evidently those people love to show up in my life so consistently and the little people who say they care are no where around. Idk how I feel about all this, i’ve tried fighting them and it just never ends… regardless if I win a fight or lose they just wanna continue fighting… I’ve tried pressing charges and I get laughed at… I’ve tried getting others involved it turns into brawls and wars and gang violence…. It’s pretty crazy how far some people would go to try and hold one person back in life. This hurts so much, I can’t explain the feeling but I’m sure others who dealt with depression for a long time can relate. That feeling of being so painfully hurt inside but you can’t drop a tear and feel perfectly normal on the outside because your just used to it. I used to scratch and poke my skin at cry inside of a pillow for hours, days, weeks, and even months when I had this feeling but now i just wake up and have to feel like this and go to work or go to school. Even if I meet a friend I’m never really a friend, I’m just friends with a friend. Idk I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be here anymore. I get good grades, I’m a great worker, I love and have a great time hanging out and being around ppl and partying but when that’s all over and I gotta go back to where I stay all of those good feelings just leave with it. Back to being alone. This is really hard man I wish I can cry right now but I can’t. 🥲