I've been ill for most of my life. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused as a kid and raped at 13 and 18. 

My suicidal thoughts appeared at the age of 5, at the same time as some self punishing behaviors (hitting myself with sticks), different alter egos to cope with my fear and extremely troubled behaviors such as setting fire to things, smashing windows and such. I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was 9, started getting panic attacks, cutting and drinking at 13, abusing xanax and anything I could get my hands on and was locked in a psych ward for the first time at 16. I came to my first institution at 17 and got into prostitution at the same time, ODing pretty much once a week, looking like Frankenstein's monster according to my mom with all my stitches. Got an eating disorder at 17 aswell. They used to put me in a restraining bed at the psychiatric hospitals, since I'd do anything for that ativan shot. I got clean for the first time at 20, but relapsed time after time. I managed to get 19 months without relapsing once though. They gave me a bipolar diagnosis at 21 and that relapse was during a depression. 


I'm 23 now, got 7 months clean and I don't know how to cope. My eating disorder is fucking me up, so is my depression, self hatred and anxiety. I feel like I should have come further, and that the fact that I haven't proofs that I'm still the "freak" my bullies used to call me. I've stopped practising most of my damaging and toxic behaviors, but emotionally I'm still the same scared and fucked up kid... And I don't want to be. I'm fucking sick of it. I just wanna feel safe and loved the way I did before the depression that led to my relapse...