The system is fucked.

I have resources. Doctors, meds, checkups, hospital stays. I have all these things that should work. That should make some sort of difference, but they don't. All these resources don't work, and then I'm made to feel like shit because maybe it's just me. maybe I'm just not trying hard enough to get better. 

The cycle is endless.

I'm not getting better because I don't go outside &gt; but I can't go outside because I feel like the worlds going to collapse, or I'm going to be killed &gt; so maybe If I had a little help, something to take the edge off, I could go outside and get better &gt; but I can't get better because those services aren't working &gt; maybe I shouldn't rely on it and help myself instead &gt; but it's too much I can't do it alone &gt; the services aren't working &gt; I'm not trying hard enough &gt; and on, and on, and on. the cycle repeats.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do the simplest things. Everything I struggle with, people seem to do so effortlessly. I can't keep having my parents fork out money for services that don't do shit. 

I'm stuck in limbo. 

I have to make a choice to help myself or end it. But nothing I'm doing to help myself is working.

I want to die, but I'm terrified of death and not existing, but I can't see any other way to end all this pain.

I'm contemplating turning to drugs, just to make it easier to live.

My doctor's "re-evaluating my diagnosis", which is code for 'not doing shit'.

He's useless. I literally wrote a nine-page report on my history, and current problems. 18 years worth of medical history. He's done nothing. Prescribed more meds and that's it. No meds that I've used have helped me. Unless by "help" I mean one drug that sedated me. That's probably the best I've gotten.

I'm struggling with pressure to perform at work, I hate myself to an indescribable amount, My parents don't understand how everyday things affect me differently, My illnesses are constantly misunderstood by my family. I feel like such a failure and a pussy. Why can't I just live?

So many people online speak about having no choice. Having tried everything and finding nothing works, and seeing death as the only way out. My gut reaction to those confessions is to tell them not to do it. But I understand why now. Honestly. Tell me. If you knew you were never getting better, and this was how you were going to be forever, would you stick around?

I can't trust my body or my mind anymore. I don't know who I am and I don't know how to live. While my friends were starting uni and their lives after school, I was in a psych unit.

I'm so ashamed of myself and embarrassed by my life. I don't know what to do.