idk where to start. There's just so much to cover. I'll try to keep this precise and in order but please bear with me if it isn't. And idek what I'm doing anymore. I would appreciate if you could say anything that isn't "It shall pass/Man up/etc"

TL;DR: Accusations of making her insecure, using her as a rebound and for sexual purposes and being disloyal when none of it is true, then talking to my friends about it and now losing literally everything.

On 24th of September 2020 we started talking and by 26th of December 2020, I started a relationship with A. We had a VERY rocky start. We broke up multiple times like around 3 or 4. But we got back together. We pushed through. I gave my ALL to her. I put her above me. I cared for and lover her more than anything, even more than myself. She had a traumatic past, which meant she brought in commitment and trust issues. But we handled that. I helped her through every single problem that she had told me about. I hated reading books and I wasn't into poetry. And yet I started writing a book and wrote poems and songs for her. I didn't draw either but I drew a portrait of her for her. I helped her with her anxiety and her insecurities. I just did everything for her, to the best of my abilities.

But, on 31st of October '21, 30 days after my birthday. She said she wanted to talk. She told she had been talking with S. This is when she breaks up with me. I was accused of:

1."Using A as a rebound",

2."Using A for sexual purposes",

3."Being disloyal",

4."Being the reason A was insecure".

I'll cover them one by one.

In November of 2020, I had asked S out. She didn't reject me as such? But she didn't accept it either saying she wasn't ready, she even made me promise to stay friends forever. And the next day she pulls a knock knock joke on me:

S: "knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

S: "Where, when"

Me: "Where, when who?"

S: "My place, tomorrow, you and I"

Me: "Holy fuck-"

S: ":)"

Me: "IT'S A DATE"

It was like she was leading me on. My great grandmother had also died from Covid in that same month. My grand-dad and grand-mum had Covid during that time but luckily they survived. So when I think about it, I hadn't even processed what was happening around me and it felt like I was trauma bonding with S. After some time, I was the one who took the confession back. After that I started being distant? not exactly distant but I hadn't spoken to her in a while nor had she texted me back. We didn't talk for 2 months.

(This is where things get intense as fuck and confusing as fuck.)

1. In January 2021, S had a plan to meet her friends at my apartment because one of her friends lived there. And her friends were close friends of mine. I wasn't invited but I was told of it. I then asked S if I could come and it was clear on text she wasn't comfortable with me being there, but I didn't pick it up because she was the one who made me promise to stay friends and she was always VERY kind. one of our mutual really close friend, let's call them Z, took her phone and told me "YOU DON'T NEED AN INVITE COME OVER". I had 2 reasons to go there, I remember, to pay one of my friends for something and to obviously meet my friends. I was "stalking S" is what my friends told me. Since they were there as well (I wasn't stalking her. But one person cannot face many people saying one thing). And I had confessed to another close friend of mine, say AA (Who wasn't there at the meet-up), that I still had feelings for S. Which I definitely don't remember doing. after that, A told me I was hiding S from her. Which I wasn't. A had asked me about my past relationships/ crushes and all and I told her, but I hadn't mentioned S. Why, you ask? Because S never came to mind whenever she asked me, I never remembered. But I had mentioned me having a crush on S on text in August. AA had told me that S hates me because S had been talking with AA. But I chose to ignore it because whenever S and I texted she was always so kind and I never ever felt like she hated me, she never said anything wrong or hateful, moreover she was the one who made me promise to stay friends forever.
2. This is straight forward. Our relationship started with sexting. and as the relationship progressed, we switched to nudes. It was all consensual. I had even asked multiple times if she was comfortable with it or no and always stuck by my word and I have multiple screenshots of making sure she was okay with it and her saying yes. And when I presented these screenshots to A, her response was "I have nothing to say about that, because, just no." Which is silly af like wtaf does that fucking mean!? After she had broken up with me, AA told me (Yes he didn't ask and believed A's word) I had used A for sexual purposes and I said yes. The reason I did that was because I lost literally everything that I valued THE MOST in one single night, my gf and all my friends, and I was broken to the point I couldn't think and I just blindly trusted AA. AA told me a normal and healthy relationship doesn't involve any of this sort of sexual things unless the couple has been dating for a solid amount of time. Which has got me confused. Because Whatever I've seen/read/heard hasn't told me that, rather insisted on few relationship starting out sexually, then progressing.
3. After taking the confession back from S, we exchanged texts saying "I love you", at that moment, which, was completely innocent and friendly. I sent her cat posts on instagram and wholesome friendship posts. In one of them, it said "I love you", which again, was meant in a friendly way, to which both S and A misunderstood. I admit I had sent the same post to 3 other people as well but they were all friendly and were paired with FRIENDSHIP posts. One of them called me "BESTIE", the other two I consider younger sisters. \\\*sigh\\\* Mis-communication you say? No. I tried telling them this but all of them are so stubborn they don't care.
4. I once told A about a girl that I saw on a flight. I told her she was really nice looking. I admit this was my fault. This made her incredibly insecure. She had to ask for reassurance. And yes, I gave it to her. She has felt insecure multiple times and I've always made sure that she was feeling well. Even when both of us were feeling terrible, I always made sure she was feeling better first. I always prioritized her, and it never caused an issue, both of us were content. She used to measure her insecurity in levels, which I told her to do so she could understand what she was feeling and on what levels which would help her. She told me she has never been insecure below the level 3. And I had brought it down to level 2. She told me that. She was really happy for that. And I was so fucking happy for her as well because this was progress.

Now. I'm painted as the abuser, user, manipulator, the piece of shit and so much fucking more. I have apologized for where I fucked up but they don't care. AA's words: "I honestly stopped caring when you said I manipulated you "(referring to me saying yes to him saying I used A)" and blamed your great grandmother for what you did" I didn't blame her ffs that's just hurtful. It's disrespectful. I was just trying to say that there is a reason why things happen and this was a reason, not a justification.

They kept saying "You're lucky you have it easy, others would have been bullied to suicide.", well guess fucking what. I am suicidal. They bullied me. for days. They spread embarrassing pictures of me(not nudes), they raided my discord server, and A, on purpose, I think, listens to romantic songs with one of my closest friends, say, AG, on a voice channel on discord till 3 am, just to stick it to me.

I took 2 sessions of therapy for this, it didn't help at all. All I got from the therapist was: "You have high levels of anxiety and depression, do tasks for 30 mins max and switch to something else, socialize and go out more and do something productive to increase your dopamine levels".

It did not help. At all. And I can't go to more therapy sessions for 2 reasons: 1) I don't think it's going to help at all. 2) I can't afford it. I mean, my mother will pay for it but we've been in financial crisis for the past 4 years and I don't want to burden them more than I already have. I've had suicidal thoughts since 8th grade (I'm in 12th grade now). I was bullied and "roasted". AA used to say many hurtful things and would gaslight me by saying "It's just a joke dude". AA always had his way with words into shifting topics and twisting words. Once I caught him red-handed doing that and he replied with "I'm AA, what did you expect?"

Man. I'm tired. It's been a month and I'm in the gutter. I'm having sharp pains in my chest, I feel like puking and crying but my tears won't flow. I get horrible anxiety attacks where I hyperventilate to the point of blacking out and I can't even eat anymore. I can't enjoy what I used to enjoy. Everyday when I take the train I think of jumping in front. And while walking on roads I walk in the middle of it when it's empty, I think about jumping from the 6th floor. I think about cutting myself. But I'm such a weakling both ways. I'm a weakling if I don't have the guts to do it to myself and I'm a weakling for quitting life if I do. Everything reminds me of A. Literally everything. No one can replace her. No one can love me the way she did.