VERY LONG READ and very depressing.

I think today is the loneliest day of my life. I've posted before under another account. Real shitty story. Sounded like this relationship was done and then I got a miracle. I wasn't ready to try again with her and now I wish more agonizing, life-changing events had happened during our break up. Because apparently things didn't. To be honest, I made some changes but the major ones didn't come over night.fast forward 6 months and here we are again. She told me I had to go. But this time I understand and it hurts so much more.

I taught my 4 year old some pretty valuable skills. How to play Halo, how to load his nerfgun, how to wipe his bum, how to eat a burrito, how to wash his hands and brush his teeth. I see though now that I didn't teach him how to respect people and I think it's because I don't know how myself.

I'm almost 30. I have no financial security, I have a history of physical abuse to her, I have an addiction, I am extremely jealous, I make my oroblems hers instead of dealing with them and I don't seem to love from my heart as often as my mood. 

My dad was super similar to this, accept he would also treat me as poorly as my mother. When things went bad for SO and I, I didn't realize I had problems like this, I never had a real relationship before her just flings. The way she would touch my hand on car rides and wipe my tears when I cried weirded me out. I didn't understand it.

I'm lashing out. I have a criminal record now and we aren't even supposed to near each other yet she let me come back. It didn't work out and now I'm going insane. She is also waiting for a neurologist, recently she has gotten very sick and it could be MS. We had 3 violent episodes in the first 3-4 months but after she became sick that finally stopped. She was hospitalized and was found to have lesions on her brain. At first I thought it was some kind of lingering TBI, turns out it's not that and most likely an infection or MS. I always hated myself and could bately look in the mirror for what I did to her and when she went in that first night for the MRI I cried all night just like when we broke up. 

2 months pass and I am finally, after SO long making progress with my behaviour and thoughts. I begin doing the dishes frequently as its hard for her, I make her food and bring it to her in our bed and when something makes me upset I stopped and began to think. But soon I fell off of the dishes. I recently quit marijuana and became an alcoholic, at this point, i cut down on alcohol and take up vaping distilled THC. 

This triggered her hard due to my substance use in the past which either she would pay for or our welfare cheque would. She always put me first and knew that I loved her and just had problems.

So many trust issues with us, as well as the financial stress and so much more has lead her to say to me that she wants me in her life and for the kids too, but she can't be in a relationship with me. I can't give her what she needs. She didn't want to say it like that but felt she had to. She went to a Bachelorette party that night and I constantly called her until another party goer answered her phone and basically told me to fuck off, in a polite way.

I was haunted wondering if she was talking to other men or women (She's a beautiful bisexual) in a sexual way because she also becomes very flirty when drinking. She told me that just proved her point. She tried to throw my bag out but she couldn't do it. She let me stay because I have nowhere to go. Last night she ended up putting a hair mask in my bair and beard and we had such a great time. I made her laugh so much, she hasn't laughed like that in a while.

When I try to speak to her about my progress she gets very angry and tells me hurtful things that I feel aren't true but somehow they are reality. She tells me I don't put her needs first and only focus on myself and the kids. She tells me that I only want my way and can't do things her way and also that if I loved her I'd let her succeed because I never will.

I feel like I deserved this. I can't stop calling her. She won't block me, she won't call the police. What can I do to stop myself from this? I've done this before that's why I have a record. How can I give her up and still love her from a distance? She even said she doesn't want to date or even have sex with other men because of her body pains. I feel like I have this pretty good in a way and I am absolutely one of the luckiest yet un deserving men on this planet. I just want to do this right. I was so close.. Feel like I can't live and another suicide attempt is coming but this one is going to be brutal and savage and there won't be anyone to call an ambulance. I feel like I've lost her. I can't suffer anymore. Idk where I'm even going to go. My 4 year old stashed a monster truck in my bag of clothes and I want to return it but she is really mad at me. I really want to see them, either that or nothing at all.