These past few days have been really tough. I cut off contact with a good friend of mine who I've been friends with for over a year but who over the past few months I've just been arguing with her all the time and I kept saying hurtful things and she'd get mad at me and we kept going round and round in circles and so I had to cut contact for both our sakes. And right now I don't really plan on going back since this might be better for the both of us but who knows what will happen.

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But she dragged my fp into this mess who had left me almost two months ago after she wanted a break. I hurt her because I was always questioning how much she cared about me and would get mad over little things. I didn't realize I was hurting her and making her feel controlled. I just thought she hated me and wanted to leave. We were so close at first and I scared her away because I was so scared of losing the bond we had. All I wanted was to be a close friend to her and I didn't even realize I already had what I wanted. She reached out to me about a week ago which was the first time in two months and we had a pleasant chat. But then she got dragged into this drama with our other friend and we talked a bit and some of it wasn't the nicest and I think it brought up old memories for her.

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I'm trying to give her space now and she promised she'd message me in a few months to see how I'm doing. The other week she said that even though we were no longer talking she still cared about me just as much as she did before. But yesterday she said we might become friends again one day although she wasn't sure if she'd ever consider me a close friend again (although she also said that may change but who knows).

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I'm trying to recover and I hope we can start over and I can be a good friend to her and in my heart I feel like the bond we had can't easily be lost but I know I hurt her and she might never trust me again which breaks my heart. I just wish I could apologize and change things but its not that easy.  I know when we start over I need to have low expectations but is it wrong for me to hope that maybe one day we might have a close (but healthy bond) like we did in the start? I worry I screwed up too much to truly fix our friendship but I feel like there is a small chance. I'm just happy she's willing to give me a second chance to begin with and I need to go slow when we start over. But I guess I feel bad for hoping she might trust me again one day after everything I did to her.

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I don't know what will happen with our other friend either. I need time to think and I still care about her. But we keep hurting each other and I wish we could repair our friendship but I need time to be alone and focus on recovery.