Hey all,

I’m a newly diagnosed person (M 21) with BPD, and I’ve found that out from going through my current situation, and I guess I would like some advice, both as a newly diagnosed person and on my current situation of losing my girlfriend/FP. I’m having a very difficult time, so I’m asking anonymous people in the internet to help, because why not? On a serious note, this is probably going to be a decent sized post but I hope you all read and offer me any tips on this matter.

So as for my current situation, I’ve had lots of FPs I’ve lost in the past, though I did not know it was BPD at the time, I just said I had attachment issues, which I suppose I true. Regardless, I met my ex in late August of last year. We both worked in the same field, and she ended up working with me not long after I met her after her job ended (the jobs we were working were both short term). We hung out and got it off instantly. At the time, she was in a 2 year relationship that had been souring for some time, and over the next two weeks we became good friends. I say by early September she started being my FP. This happened after I unloaded my highly emotional past on her with previous FPs and saying I had attachment issues. Usually after I tell someone I “like” about my issues is when I start becoming attached. She told me her past as well, and we bonded pretty close. About a week later, we were going to a work event, and she had a panic attack in my car about our new work environment being toxic (which is was). I instead drove her to a park to calm her down, and after hours of talking, she held my hand, I confessed my feelings, and she said she felt the same. The next day, she broke up with her ex (which she told was going to happen anyway, but was a process I expedited), as the next day at my birthday I kissed her for the first time.

The next few months of us dating were pretty fantastic, some of the best months of my life. I fell in love for the first time, and we had really loved each other. With that said, however, that doesn’t mean there weren’t any problems. Specifically, there are two of note. First, we had agreed to be mutually exclusively dating, but she didn’t want to commit to the boyfriend girlfriend title. This is because things for her were moving quite fast (working 60 hours a week in a new field of work, and jumping from breaking up with a guy for 2 years with a new guy), and that she didn’t have time to fully process how to feel. We had agreed that at some point after both of our jobs ended in early November that we would take a break to allow her to process all of this emotional crazy, but for the meantime, things would go at her pace. I thought things were originally going to be okay because things were good with us and she said a week before she took this break that her friends were encouraging her to be single and have fun (we are both 21), but she said she loved me and at the time only wanted to be with me. The second problem was on me. There were several times in the relationship I tried to push things faster, and pushed her boundaries, which I’ve learned I have a tendency to do due to my fear of abandonment and I really didn’t want her to leave. Besides those two things, we had a lot of love and mostly a great honeymoon phase over the first two months.

Skip ahead to the middle of November, about a week after our jobs ended. On the night she told me she loved me and only wanted to be with me and not live the “hoe life” (her words), she also reminds me of a Vegas trip she has coming up with a bunch of her friends. On the trip, she said she wanted to let loose a little bit and live a bit of a single life in Vegas. When I asked what that meant, she basically just said flirt with guys and have drinks bought for her and stuff. I agreed to that and just asked her to be honest with me about whatever happened, but made clear I wanted to be with her, and she did the same. A week later, a night before the trip, she spends the night at my house and it was great and so much love was there.

Skip ahead to the morning, I drop her off at her house, and at first during the trip she was texting me quite frequently. She was talking a lot about how she wished I was there and  said she saw a billboard about getting over your ex and she said she met me at just the right place and time and kept talking about how much she loved me. Slowly, the messages became less frequent, and when we had agreed to call each other, I asked if she still wanted to talk and she just replied with “vacation ☺️” and we never spoke. The next day, she didn’t respond to me at all, so I tried frantically to get ahold of her and I had a panic attack. She responds by saying that she was okay, that I did nothing wrong, and that she wanted to take her break now to think about things. The next day, we both go to a monthly event we usually both attend, and at the end I apologized to her for freaking out, and she said it’s okay, and we text that night, before not talking for a little bit. The next text came on Thanksgiving, where she thanked me for being in her life and that she loved me, and I replied with the same. About a week later, she posts on twitter about being depressed, and I texted her the next few days making sure she’s okay, before we go on a break again at her request.

About a week after that, I ask if we can talk, and she agrees to talk with me later that night. This is early December at this point. At this conversation, she breaks up with me, with her main reasoning being that she didn’t want a serious, committed relationship, and that she was truly polyamorous and needed to pursue that lifestyle. She said at the time that I had did nothing wrong, and said that she very much wanted to be friends, but we couldn’t be together anymore. This was incredibly hard for me, to the point where I’m even typing this at this point. The next few days were tough, because she was checking up on me because I asked her, but I was not in a good place at all. I kept saying how much I missed her and that I was in a lot of pain. A couple days later I call to talk to her, saying I would like to try being in a poly relationship, and that I don’t know if I could handle being just friends, as I have been friends with an FP before and that was a very toxic thing for me because I had constantly tried to be with her and was constantly rejected. After a talk, we agree to try to be friends and that it could be different than my last situation, but we couldn’t be together yet because the timing wasn’t right, but the future was open. Who knows? A few days after we don’t talk for a little bit, but both show up to the monthly event we both go to. We had no interaction other than an awkward hi and bye, and it was something that was both really hard for us I later learned, but at the party I was trying to calm a panic attack from seeing her. That night she texts me saying sorry things were awkward, and ask how I was. I said I was good, and ask why things were awkward, if we had both agreed to be friends, they shouldn’t have been? She responds by saying that she was on edge from me being there, and told me she didn’t expect me there since we just broke up, and told me I should’ve told her I was gonna be there. This caused a mini fight, where eventually I called her and we made up and both agreed to take a break for a little bit from talking. This was in mid-December. During that phone call though, she said she still had feelings for me and that she missed me, but we agreed to take a break until after the holidays but before my school started, where she would reach out to me first, except if there was an emergency. About 6 days after not talking, I reached out to try to talk to her. I didn’t mean to break any boundaries, but I was having a terribly tough time being alone and thinking about losing her, to the point where I had a panic attack and threw up at work. After trying to talk to her, she said she didn’t want to talk, and that she wasn’t mad, but frustrated I distracted her healing. This caused me to have the worst panic attack of my life, to the point where I was violently shaking on my bathroom floor with a bottle of pills next to me. She responds a few hours later saying she wished she could help and that she was sorry, I then tell her what was going on with the panic attack after I told her I shouldn’t tell her what’s going on and she said “well I’m here now, so what’s up?”. When she asks if she could help, I had a necessary outpouring of emotion saying I loved her and I’m hurting and I couldn’t do this, which made me feel better. She responded I’m sorry and it sucks knowing you’re in pain, before she didn’t contact me again. I tried calling her and asking if we could talk, but she said I don’t think that’s good right now. I apologized before going to bed, but I felt better afterwards that night getting that out. The next day, I apologize for my behavior, before asking if we could talk in a few days after we gather thoughts on what happened. She responded by saying I don’t think it’s good we talk right now, before I said okay that’s fair, and I hope we go back to our original plan of not talking until after the break.

We don’t talk at all for a few weeks except I followed her back on social media after taking a break and unadding her for a bit. The Saturday before my school starts, I reached out to her, asking if we could work on things slow and continue to take things slow. She responds the next day saying she doesn’t want to be friends and that I’ve consistently broken her boundaries, which in a way was gaslighting to me, as she blamed the entire thing on me despite saying earlier I did nothing wrong and for not taking any blame of the craziness of the last few months, but instead putting it all on me. I ask if I could talk to her one more time for my closure, but she says no, stating she could give me no other closure other than tell me she’s seeing someone else (which I later found out was her best friend who she went to Vegas with, which made me curious as to what happened in Vegas. I asked if something happened and she said she didn’t want to talk about it, but insisted she didn’t cheat on me, I still believe something happened though). She also asked me not to show up to our monthly meetings in a very hostile tone. I responded with I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I wish we could talk. I also told her I may be required to go to the meetings after recent events led to me getting a leadership position there, which I’m actually on with a good friend of hers. She said to leave her alone both personally and professionally, before we both block each other on social media. 

The following week was tough for me emotionally, school had started, but I skipped a lot of classes crying to friends about how tough this all was. Later that week though, I go to a psychiatrist to get on new pills. The pills had terrible side effects, to the point I was disoriented beyond function, and had another panic attack that was bad. The next day I went to the ER to try to see an emergency psychiatrist to get new pills, but they just put me in a ward for being suicidal from the pills. It was here though that a therapist told me I maybe had BPD. The next day I went to my psychiatrist to get on new pills, and I asked him if I could be evaluated for bpd and bipolar 2, something I’ve thought I’ve had for years but never addressed. He said we could do so at the next appointment (which ended up being this past Monday). That night was also the monthly meeting we both go to, and we saw each other, but didn’t make eye contact nor have any interaction. Afterwards, I was doing okay and things were starting to get better, until that Friday (2 weeks ago today) I met up with a mutual friend and she was brought up. Apparently she was super pissed I was at that meeting and had this new position, and asked the mutual friend if I was going to the meeting, where he said I was for her to ignore me (which was the same advice he gave me). This talk with him was really triggering for me, because he revealed that she was good and moving on and didn’t care about me or how I felt, and that I should just move on. This really hurt me because I have still cared about her and haven’t stop. This caused a relapse. As a result, I wrote her a letter to try to get everything out and to get my closure. I’m a TL;DR version of that letter, I said I was sorry for pushing her boundaries and hurting her, and that I hope this doesn’t do that either. I then said that I for the first time am working on my issues, and told her that I believe I have BPD and and Bipolar 2 (which the psychiatrist agreed with my self assessment this Monday). I then said that I hated the way things ended between us, with both her likely being not fully truthful for me about what happened in Vegas, and for our last conversation where she gaslighted me. I said I wanted us to have things at least be better for when I see her at the monthly meetings, because there was a lot of tension last time because of the negativity. I also said though that I wanted to work slowly on being friends with her while I get better from the BPD, as I missed my best friend and wanted her in my life. I noted this would need to be slow, but I missed her and her presence in my life and I wanted that back. I concluded by wishing her the best regardless of what happens next, because I truly believe she was an incredible person.

She did not take kindly to this letter. She ended up talking to that same mutual friend that I had did that, and expressed that she was angry and uncomfortable with it on the phone to my friend, before responding with the following message: “I have asked you several times not to contact me. I do not want this to become a larger issue than it already is, I feel extremely uncomfortable because you have consistently ignored my request not to be contacted by you. Do not contact me again.”

And that’s basically where things are now. Sadly, I wish I didn’t feel this strong connection to her, but I still do and I don’t know what to do or feel. What I truly wish is that she just knew and understood this disorder and showed some level of care for me with it (She has mental health issues too, so I thought maybe she might have), but that hadn’t happened. I’m still very much hurting and just wish she understood and cared, and I don’t fully know what to do. I know the one thing I need to do is start DBT, and I’m looking into that, but it will probably be at least a month before I can get in somewhere for an appointment. Other than that, I don’t know what to do about her. I know I shouldn’t contact her and that is made clear, but I think what would help me most through this time is her understanding. I want to contact her but know I shouldn’t. I also don’t know what to do regarding the meetings. I told her in the letter that I might avoid some to both give her space and to focus on my health, but maybe I could just say a quick sorry if I go to the next one? Or perhaps I miss some and let her know when I’m going to the next meeting the day before, as that was what she wanted for the meeting in December? I really don’t know. I just need advice on how to deal with this matter from those who truly understand and perhaps know how to be healthy. I don’t in any way want hurt her or make her more uncomfortable of make things worse. I want the opposite— I at least want things to be okay for when I do so her. With that said, I’m not okay right now, and wish she could back and wished she understood and was at least somewhat there so I could get through. 

I know this was long, but thank you for reading. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on this? What to do as a new person with BPD, but also how I should handle this situation for the best outcome for both of us for when we have to see each other? Perhaps for us to have something positive down the future? Thank you so much