I really don't have anyone other than my therapist that I can confide in to tell them how I truly feel. After some certain incidents, I feel exceptionally lonely &amp; I am having passive suicidal thoughts. Honestly, I have been feeling this type of way since winter 2021. They say it gets better, but does it really? I'm still pretty sour about COVID happening because I blame that for ruining many things for myself &amp; for others.

Ever since I was little, I could not wait to grow up &amp; be able to do whatever I wanted to do, but I remember telling adults this at a young age &amp; they would hit me back with, "trust me, you don't want to grow up." I remember passing those comments off as, "whatever!", but now I can see what they mean.

It doesn't help that I am also not great at maintaining friendships &amp; relationships which also puts me in this pickle. At the moment, I would say I only have one "reliable" friend (note that the word "reliable" is in quotation marks because they really aren't *that* reliable, but they are one of the only friends I can shoot the shit with).

It doesn't help that my hobbies &amp; interests are geared more towards the older community since I am trying to meet people closer to my age (I know that this comment sounds ageist &amp; I have met great older people, but I do think it would be nice to meet others that are closer to my age). It also doesn't help that I am emotionally unavailable hence why another reason it is hard for me to maintain friendships &amp; relationships or getting past the acquaintance level.

I really do question whether I am a good person because looking at others my age seems to be in great friendships &amp; relationships &amp; then I'm just trying to get by. I know that it's not good to compare yourself to others which is what I am exactly doing, but that doesn't mean that I'm not lonely. Overall, I just wanted to jot something down about how I am feeling since this is an anonymous community &amp; I would appreciate the constructive criticism &amp; feedback if possible. If you have gotten all the way towards the end of this post, I appreciate you &amp; thank you for your time &amp; consideration.