I'm sorry in advance at how long &amp; rambly &amp; annoying this is, but AHHHHHHH, I have no one else to talk to &amp; would really, really love any thoughts!  Context-- 28/F, was formally diagnosed BPD at 18-19.  I'm married &amp; everything on that front has been great.  Until...

I became literally overwhelmingly obsessed with a celebrity.  By overwhelmingly obsessed, I mean I dress like her, act like her, play her music all day long, literally talk about her like... every second of the day, to the point where I feel like I don't know how to form conversations that aren't about her in some way.  I stay up all night long reading about her &amp; watching her performances &amp; interviews &amp; looking at photos of her.  

When I'm this consumed by this person, obviously she shows up in my dreams, too, so it's just a constant barrage of obsession, really.  I saw her in concert a couple of weeks ago &amp; sobbed like a baby for hours because I'd been in the same room as her.  She's all I can think about, to the detriment of my *actual* relationships with my husband &amp; friends.

BUT I'm doing the typical BPD thing where I feel like I am just somehow inherently connected to her &amp; like she would *GET* me, so it feels like I'm gladly choosing this sense of "closeness" with her over actual friendships-- like it *does* mean more to me than my friends do.  I get viciously angry when my friends don't want to talk about her or aren't enthusiastic about me sending them "just one more photo I found!!!!"

I feel like I can relate to her, which logically, I know is probably just the BPD talking &amp; making me feel like my identity is *this* closely aligned with hers.  (To be fair, we do have lots of similarities in appearance, personality, &amp; history-- both things I've noticed &amp; things other people have commented on-- but I know my brain is exaggerating those similarities.)

She said something in an interview (...like ...decades ago) about how if people intensely relate to her music, then "they're similar to her" &amp; that she wants to make those people "feel from her that she understands."  She's mentioned how she considers those fans to be the only thing in the world that matters &amp; that because of them, she has thousands of fairy goddaughters (which probably makes it apparent who this person is because she's about the only person who could get away with saying something like this), &amp; ooooooh, I cannot even tell you how ridiculously wrapped up I've gotten in that idea/title.  I know I look like I've gone off the deep end by feeling like this mega-famous singer is talking directly to me, &amp; feeling like I have some kind of kinship with her, but I can't stop feeling it.

I've tried to channel it-- finding helpful pieces of advice &amp; wisdom from her &amp; putting them into practice in meaningful ways.  She's pushed me to get back to writing (I have an MFA in creative writing, but have been utterly unproductive for months), she's gotten me to keep a journal, she reminds me to be less critical &amp; "in my head" &amp; more free-spirited &amp; in touch with the earth &amp; my emotions.  These are all good things.  Things I really need.

I can rationalize that my infatuation with her is giving me a lot of things-- an A+ sexual fantasy life (because let's be real), the sense of a surrogate parent when mine have been cut off from &amp; unsupportive of me lately, a voice of confidence &amp; encouragement when my self-esteem has been crap, etc.  And even all of these things are fine!  

It's the all-consuming obsession where I can't *STOP* thinking about/talking about/listening to her that's making my brain feel like it's running in hyperdrive that's a problem.

SO.  Has anyone else been there?  Basically... having a FP who's not even someone you know, I guess?  Whether a celebrity or not, how do you manage to figure out what part of you relates to them because you genuinely *are* similar &amp; *are* learning/gaining something from them, &amp; what part is just the BPD wanting to intensely &amp; intimately identify with someone to fill the void?  How do you stop talking about your FP 24/7 / stop *actively* ruining all other relationships because of your FP?

I feel SO ridiculous going back &amp; reading over this, but maybe something here will click with someone else... I hope!  Thanks in advance xx