I'm starting ketamine therapy for my needle phobia. At this point I'm taking upwards to 30mg of benzos a day and drinking more. I'm 29 and don't expect to live past the age of my early 30's. The worst part is that I have a wife, dogs, and a picture perfect life with so many privileges outside of my phobia. I have conditions I was able to get checked using online test kits, but that took getting myself to the point of black out and 10 hours of working myself up. Those that I am diagnosed with must be worse, as I don't treat them because I can't without checking my levels. 

I look at needles as evil and to be the darkest thing in existence that plaques me. The idea that somebody can be willingly stabbed feels like black magic to me. I've spent thousands on different types of therapy. As I stated at the beginning I'm doing ketamine therapy next which is sublingual. I just want my blood tested. My life would be amazing without my phobia as I have a picture perfect life. It's been close to 7 years now of being almost bed ridden because of my phobia to needles. I have had moments, usually always on drugs which I have had fun in those times. Though it would be fair to say 80%+ of my time is spent sleeping and panicking about needles, health, and health procedures. Though during any of those moments where I was able to get up, the thought of illness and needles is always there

Sorry if this was hard to read I had a mouthful of etizolam and drank alcohol with it. Doors are closing in. I was sobering up but now I am too weak. I’m not going to put anyone in danger or hurt anyone because of my own fears, when the time comes I can’t believe I feel like I will be braver doing it than getting a needle put in my skin.