I spent the last year really trying to improve my life. Tried making friends, in good shape and exercise everyday, getting high marks in college. I don't know what I'm not doing right. I have no family or girlfriend, my friends are more buddies and even though we often talk or do stuff I don't feel connected to them. I feel incredibly lonely. I'm extremely depressed probably from past trauma. Therapy and several meds never helped. Exercising, great diet, sleep, etc, none of that shit helps. 

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I've thought about suicide almost every day for a year or two now, and now I practically think about it all day. I don't know if i will do it but I WANT to. i don't see how i'll ever be in a place of peace. I have no passion, no direction from college degree to career or any aspirations. No family to live for, or even a close relationship with a girlfriend or friends. 

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Practically the only thing I do deeply crave is a some people or place i feel accepted and love at and belong to. I want to have friends and a girlfriend who i feel connected to and who understand me especially since i dont have family. i wish i had a passion for something but i just dont care. I feel physically sick often now. 

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and where's this going anyways? keep 'grinding' to get high marks and get a good paying job in some office and shit? i fucking hate the idea of that. i couldn't care less about being wealthy. and if i dont have people to take care of its useless. 

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Anyone have any advice id really appreciate it, in a really dark place right now and I feel like i've just completely failed despite my best consistent efforts