I just spoke on the phone with my mother for the first time since my suicide attempt this past November. There were a lot of hard feelings between us because the last time we spoke I had discovered her cocaine addiction after being judged and ridiculed for my own struggles with addiction throughout my entire adult life. My mother told me she doesn’t believe I have a mental illness and that I am just using my diagnosis to avoid taking responsibility for my actions. I am so fucking hurt. I have been struggling with BPD for so many years and the effects it has had on my day to day life are practically debilitating. I have so much pent up hatred for her because of how my siblings and I suffered as a result of her dropping the ball as a mother after my dad died. I feel like she deserves to beg for my forgiveness after everything she has put us through... (years of mental abuse and hunger because she spent all her money on drugs instead of taking care of her kids). I decided to take time away from my family for the sake of my mental health, especially after the suicide attempt. I have not had a phone either so I had no real way of communicating with them anyway. She has made it clear that she has turned all of my siblings against me too, and that hurts the most because after all the hurt and suffering she has put us through, we used to always be on each others side. I have no friends and she has just robbed me of the only family I have. I want to die now more than ever. Someone please talk to me, I need a friend more than ever. I have never felt so desperate that I felt the need to turn to strangers on the internet for support but I really need someone who understands right now