Had a very rough childhood, got abused at home and bullied relentlessly at school. As a little kid, I was very emotional (cried at the drop of a hat, very excitable, warm and engaged with others). I constantly got told to stop crying or was met with anger when I expressed emotions, even joy. Around the age of 13/14, I stopped feeling a lot. Everything got replaced with numbness, disconnection to others, apathy about the world and life. 

I’m now nearing 30, and I am terrified I became a narcissist or a sociopath in those years. I feel totally disconnected from others, no feelings of love, joy, connection, sadness, anger. Nothing other than fear and anxiety, really. 

I desperately want to have feelings, to feel connected, but I just… don’t. 

Feeling pretty scared tbh.