



I can’t remember what my life was like before depression. All I can remember is this feeling. An emotionless, stuttering, insecure, anxious white knuckled 22 year old that is just getting by, barely, hour by hour. Day by day. It’s like survival mode. All I am focused on is getting through the day in one piece. Everyday is a test. There are 1000 ways to fail, or not live up to someone else’s standards. Failing is the only guarantee. I am starting to push away those that I love and those that care about me since I am unable to show my true emotions anymore. Nobody wants to put up with me. They are frustrate because I am withdrawn. Friends are slowly disappearing from my life, and slowly my family is too. I am nothing but a shell with nothing living inside. I see people laying on the floor crying of laughter, and Im over here trying to remember the last time I laughed. I have lost every bit of me that made me me. That made me happy. It’s all gone, and it’s not coming back anytime soon. If there really was someone out there watching, listening, and caring then I would have been rescued by now. Everyday I stare at a box cutter knife on my bedside, visualizing thrusting that knife and penetrating into my chest, into my heart, ending my suffering in seconds. At this point after all the medicines I’ve tried, all the therapy I’ve tried, all the dieting I’ve tried, all the exercise  I’ve tried, I have come to the conclusion that this is just how it’s gonna be. My insanely mentally ill brain. It’s like having a life sentence in prison. One day I will go through with the box cutter idealization .Once there is nothing left for me to say, nobody left for me to count on, and nothing to hold me back. Until then I will keep dragging myself  through these days until the timer runs out, and I can finally say I have had enough of this cold, cold world.