I was diagnosed last summer with bpd and bipolar type two. Then reevaluated and diagnosed by a hospital I was admitted to at the beginning of this year. I just want to state that I was professionally diagnosed twice because I see a lot of people self diagnose and have no idea what they're even talking about and I am not even kidding I burst into tears when I see people on my facebook say they self diagnosed themselves and then add "hehe I am psycho(:"

Cause I feel like I will never be taken seriously. I am scared people think I am some dumb female in her early 20s who is just immature and just wants attention. Which makes me feel very alone cause no one gives a crap to try and comprehend my illness in the first place. Let me stop babbling off topic. 

I am having some serious issues in my relationship due to me being completely paranoid with every move my boyfriend makes. I always accuse him of cheating. Every day I pick some random fight because I feel on edge. I cry when he sighs a certain way. I cry when we don't have sex or sometimes even cut. like why do I have to resort to that? I have been a nonstop cutter since late 2005. I know people cut for many of reasons, mine reason is to focus on the injury so I can forget about why I was mad or upset...I get a huge rush of adrenaline, I draw blanks, I feel angry, I grab the nearest object I can break and jab it into my body. 

I can see my boyfriend has no idea how to deal with me. I know it's not his job to make me take care of myself. I have no self worth. I hate myself and I make him pay for it. I never feel like I am good enough for him so I always suspect he is seeing someone else who is more smart than me, not sick, prettier, and doesn't have two kids. Rational me knows if that were true he would just leave and not even deal with my daily episodes. 

My clinic doesn't offer DBT anymore. So I have been trying to youtube videos on how to deal with melt downs/mania.

It's extremely hard cause I have no guidance. No one there to tell me I made progress. The last couple of arguments I have refrained from cutting myself because I was terrified my boyfriend would leave me cause it upsets him so much to see my thighs all lashed up. He believes this to be some sort of effective way to recovery but I know that it is not, because I am not cutting only out of fear and I feel it will lead to something more dangerous. Hurting him or just ripping the house apart or over dosing once more.

I feel very sick of being sick. Not knowing right from wrong. Being manipulative without even knowing. Being paranoid and controlling. Tired of screaming and degrading my boyfriend. Tired of cutting my friends off because I feel like they are conspiring to back stab me. I feel like my boyfriend is dating me as a joke, I feel like my friends are my friends just to hurt me and tell all my secrets. 

I want to be happier and healthier. When I am feeling rational I can decipher between what delusions I was having and what really happened. When I become paranoid thinking my boyfriend is going to leave or is cheating, I convince myself of scenarios that have never happened and I become enraged and I want to break him down for the way I feel but he has done nothing.

I need to cope better. I need to find a way to talk myself out of hurting myself and him. I am tired of breaking any type of relationship off, that I have with people. I am becoming so sensitive, the dates, songs, movies, stories are all triggering past thoughts and incidents and there are things I can't seem to let go of.

I go to bed feeling mad and anxious and I wake up feeling mad and anxious.

What are ways to help with this? What do you do? I don't want to go back to the hospital again. They mistreated us and didn't even care and there was too much sexual harassment. I can't do it but I feel really on edge lately. A lot more than usual. 

My boyfriend clearly deserves better treatment, how the heck can I get us both to help me with becoming nontoxic and handling things more better? I feel like an idiot for even posting this.


TL;DR : When I am in my fits I am unaware of how abusive I am being to my loved ones especially my boyfriend. I push him away. Am a cutter. I become degrading to others when I am blowing up. Paranoid and delusional. I want to be healthy. How do I become nontoxic and non-abusive to myself or others?