hello guys,

i'm a 20 year old boy with bpd. since i'm on antidepressants (last october) my depression and my anxiety reduced but my enthusiasm and my will to act, my rebellious side became stronger. i always felt this side of my personality but i guess the anxiety and the depression was so heavy that they simply just forbid to feel anything else but bad things.

well i feel that i can really do something with these rebellious feelings. i mean whenever i thought about my future i never found anything to live for but "war". now i'm not that depressed so this idea makes even more sense and i feel it even more powerful than before. i want to be clear, under "war" i do not mean i want people to die and i want an actual war between countries and stuff. i mean i want to be in a war to share my beliefs and to change minds. i mean my country (Hungary) definitely needs fighters who fight for the good cause because our politicians are not very good people. but actually it's not just our country and most of the time my beliefs and feelings are not stop at the country border.

i tried to start volunteering. but actually it was extremely boring. i imagined that i'm going to change the world and stuff then i had to carry like \~5 tables and chairs for some kind of commemoration. i mean yeah, other volunteering options were coat checking and giving information about the event... so not really exciting stuff. 

i tried volunteering at the animal shelter because i want to do stuff for the nature, for the animals, raise awareness of the benefits of being a vegan and stuff. then i had two options, gathering dog poop or walking the dogs. not that exciting.

i almost joined a small political movement then they told me that 99% of the job is just standing in the street for a whole day and asking people to sign up a sheet.

so yeah, clearly i still trying to find a good place.

now i'm going to volunteer at our pride festival in august which is a bit more exciting and i signed up for volunteering at a non-profit organization what makes camps for children with cancer and stuff but they told me that because i'm not really an extrovert guy probably i will just do paperwork..

i mean come on, if someone would ask me to rob a bank i would do it and then i would be excited to go to jail, i'm serious. i feel i could do useful stuff what other people are afraid to do but has to be done.