I am tired. Depressed all the time. Some friends I had stopped talking to me. Some people say it’s because they are just tired of my negativity. They say I should stop being like this and make a « choice » to be better by doing sports, socializing, having a job, learning things, have a religious life, open my eyes to political problems, etc…

But I don’t want to do all this.

I see people being successful, respected, admired, happy, by doing this kind of things. They talk about discipline, devotion, to stop being a childish crybaby or a shy loser…

They say respect is earned. That despising losers is normal. I should think like that or make decisions apparently. But I don’t. I can’t choose anything since I don’t know what is the right answer and at the same time not wanting to be a slave of external conditioning. All these things they talk about don’t appeal to me.

I can’t force myself to do jobs I don’t want. I can’t enjoy the pain and efforts of sports and Discipline. I can’t make spiritual decisions without my reason concluding it is social manipulation and superstitions. I can’t be political without thinking it is nothing but human egocentric illusions in the middle of an uninterested universe…

I feel broken. Like a shapeless mistake who failed at natural selection. A pathetic creature who can’t become what it is suppose to be, like what it is suppose to like and desire what it is suppose to want.

Am I just an anomaly? Something destined to be miserable and fairly despised? A mistake which disappearance will be good for mankind’s evolution?