So I've been really really really depressed lately - more than usual (I've been doing a depression for years now and I'm 19.)

I have absolutely no goals when I think of my life or the future, I can only think of a very distant future, where I'm finally happy but I can't think of the in-between, I can't figure how I'll finally be happy it's like I'm waiting for something to happen at this point.  I've done a lot of effort, I've worked on myself, I'm even going to the gym and while it makes me feel better it's only temporary, the dark thoughts always come back. 

I'm trying to feel better, I go to the gym, I hang out with friends, I focus on stuff I like and yet I'm so unhappy it's not funny. When I'm at the gym I'm very frustrated at myself when I can't get my form right, when I hang out with friends I feel like I don't  belong with them (I always feel like I don't belong anywhere - not even with my family) and when I draw, cook or play videogames, it's the most frustrating thing ever because I feel like it's not enough, I'm not enough, everything I do or what I am is not enough. I tell myself there isn't a single thing I am capable to do and that I have no skills whatsoever.

I tell myself if only I was prettier, smarter, worked better, if I was less depressed, my friends and family would like me better. I'd maybe stop feeling like I'm such a disappointement to my parents everyday. I do think I'm the cause of my mother's unhappiness. 

Anyways

Done :)