I have BPD and PTSD and one of my eternal struggles is friendships. If I have friends, they are always awful. I never notice that at the time, but it's true.

i/e, I have had friendships where it's clear in hindsight that the friend was trying to get me to have sex with them, that same friend was very generous with alcohol. I've had friendships where this friend was very kind and caring to me when she was taking advantage of my people pleasing nature to help her move or take her out to eat when she doesn't have money, and otherwise would not invite me out or even initiate contact with me. Mostly I'm not friends with men at all because I can't read them. I'm always always wrong about their intentions.

It's pathetic and gross but all my life I've been eaten up by this chronic loneliness, and I take what I can get. I think people can smell that I'm sick. It's uncanny. Over the last year I stopped giving myself away like I was. I stopped being friends with people who suck my life force, or who I don't trust. It worked in that I don't have these shitty people around me, but also it worked in that I now have no friends. This year, I'm still lonely.

So when an old coworker of mine, John, recently reached out to me on social media. He sent me some songs. I sent some back. Eventually I gave him my number because the conversations were friendly and I didn't have any bad feelings. After a bit of talking I noticed:

1. John was very gatekeep-y. He sent me like the same 6 songs that were all Nirvana/Pearl Jam/other 90s band. I don't think he listened to the songs I sent him at all. And he was really intent on grilling me to see if I was a "true punk" who listened to these "real bands".
2. John randomly had a friend whose boyfriend hit her, so he went over there to fight the boyfriend. I thought this was very dramatic and personal so I was like ???? why are you sharing this with me. He said things like "why do they always stay with their abusers" and stuff. It was weird.
3. John randomly revealed that his ex was stalking him and that made him very angry. I've been stalked before, angry isn't exactly the feeling I had. But to each their own!
4. John started to try to get me to be his therapist. He sent me a longwinded text about his deep seated childhood trauma, that he had never told anyone before apparently. I told him his parents were assholes. He got mad at me for calling his parents assholes? I'm not a therapist, though. A therapist is the person you can tell deep trauma to and they won't use the word asshole. That's not me.
5. John kept prying. He even asked my diagnosis (that's a no). He asked me questions like "What's the worst thing that ever happened to you?" "Tell me a secret." "What's the hardest thing you ever done?" "Who do you hate?" etc etc. He clearly wanted me to spill my guts to him. I don't know if it was to make him feel better about spilling his guts to me? But I don't do that type of shit. I have learned my lesson from meeting creeps and people who want to throw things back in my face if I make them mad later.
6. John started to violate my boundaries. He'd slip in a babe or a beautiful, and each time I'd tell him to stop. He would do it again anyway.
7. John started to criticize how I talk! Said that "He understands that I'm not interested, if I would stop rubbing it in by calling him dude/buddy/pal." That's just how I talk to my dudes and buddies and pals. IDK!
8. some other big red flags but let's not roast John any more because I feel bad

After noticing these things within like 3 days of talking, I stopped talking to him. John is the type of man who says he wants to be friends, but secretly hates me for only being friends with him. He asked me to hang out and I didn't respond. I felt that he was untrustworthy and shady, and not the type of person I want to be friends with, perhaps even someone who could be dangerous. Old me would have jumped into the woodchipper that is John, feet first. Today he texted me the lyrics to Creep by Radiohead. New me didn't respond.

This person clearly wants me to think they're brave and unique (maybe making up stories and lying to seem that way) and also wants me to never tell them no and also wants me to be their therapist. Red flag city! Today, I said no!!! A year ago, I would have said "be there in 5"!

Recovery is happening and it doesn't look like what I thought it would, and it definitely doesn't feel as good as I thought it would. Because I'm still lonely and a part of me knows I can let this person use me and in turn I would feel loved and validated temporarily and I would not feel so lonely for a moment. I'm not going to, because I deserve better. GROSS!! AND YAY!