I was going to go home for the holidays but don't know how I can just go after this. I have support in my life from family and friends but I don't know if they've just sugarcoated life for me at a point in life where sugarcoating would be the worst. Or maybe I'm just stopping myself from succeeding, and not being focused enough. At times I just break down crying, and want to give up and fade away. I've made so many awful mistakes that have landed me where I am now, and I think that, just maybe, I need help.

I'm not entirely sure whether I've got any diagnosable disorders or symptoms. I haven't slept or eaten consistently ever since my first semester as a college student began. I used to go to the gym every day, but my grades were suffering so I cut that out of my life as well, thus leading me to as much of a physical decline as an emotional one. I have never self-harmed, but sometimes I have stopped to think about what would happen if I just ceased to exist the next day. Like who would care or notice my absence. And I was always able to think of several people, but that never stopped me from having these negative thoughts of myself. People have known me to be incredibly down on myself, but my failed exams have given me a fresh new incentive.

I've also got a long history with video games, which you may think add to the negative feelings. However, they are one of the few things which preserve my sanity at times. Of course I get upset time to time, but I could never "rage" like most gamers do. I worry that if I were to ever seek professional help, such professionals would try to form this connection between video games and my health. And while some remote connection could exist, I could not see myself living permanently without video games.

Now I don't think this has anything to do with the COVID pandemic or any seasonal disorder. If anything, I am much more of a winter person. I think the expectations imposed upon me have led to this point. I was always the oldest and the youngest (I'll explain). I'm an older brother, the oldest of my cousins, and oldest of a dance group which has stuck together for ages. On the flipside, I've always been the youngest in my grades (it would appear I'd started schooling a year early so I was typically a year younger than the average classmate). Days ago, I received many supportive texts along the lines of "good luck!" and "you are so smart, you've got this". Now I haven't felt "smart" in a very long time. I haven't stood out (in a good way) in what feels like forever, and it's been tearing at me.

I would like to mention some more things that contribute to these feelings. I am not physically attractive (no matter how many times my parents and grandparents say so). I was once called ugly in high school by some bitch I'd never seen or spoken to before. I wanted to whirl around and smack her, but I knew better (I think?). Also, I don't have any developmental issues whatsoever, but I do have a skin disorder which has persisted for years now. It has gotten slightly better, but not to the point where I would call myself "cured". I have never been in a relationship, and don't think I'm the type of person who could find one. I have no problem talking to strangers, girls included, but I do find comfort in solitude more often. I suppose I am slightly introverted.

Just a few days ago someone at my university was found dead by suicide. I firmly believe that it must have been in relation to the events of this week -- finals -- not going well. I in no way have intention to harm myself, I just want to know how it will get better. People like to say that it will, but what I want to know is how? And they'll say a bombed final is not the end of the world, but I don't see it any other way. I just want to stop letting people down, especially the people supporting me through all of this. Tell me how to heal.