Possible trigger warning (death etc)

I’ve always had pretty bad anxiety, as I am a survivor of early childhood abuse, and then an abusive relationship in high school with continual childhood abuse simultaneously. 

I suffer from some dissociation and use to have depersonalization but a lot of that reduced once I found my now current boyfriend. Unfortunately during the already extremely difficult pandemic, we got into a car accident with 7 of our friends one of them dying. It was a hit and run. I thought he was dead (my current boyfriend of 4 years) he also was worried as we were all separated in the hospital and because it was Covid no one could come and see us it was extremely hectic and traumatic. 

Before this accident I use to be able to see my future and be excited for it. After this accident, and this whole pandemic it feels as though I don’t know what to expect and don’t really find myself looking forward to things as it feels like I’m just so continuously used to trauma. I struggle with health anxiety as well, and sometimes my ocd comes into play with these thoughts I have. 

Is there anyone else whose struggled with this in the past or currently struggles with it? I just really want to dream again, and look forward to a future, but now it feels like I don’t see one. Especially with how our current world is recovering from something so traumatic, and feels like the trauma is never gonna stop. 

Just being a survivor of trauma at such a young age I didn’t think I’d have to keep going and going. And instead of being excited for the future I just feel scared I won’t have one. I’m 26, female.