Hi this is REALLY long  and confusing and it’s basically just me bitching, but please if you read this and have any advice, feel free to message me or comment!! ♥︎♥︎

I feel so irrational all the time and I can’t even tell anymore whether it’s my anxiety, my depression, or my bpd causing me to be like this. I’m such a fucking mess of a person. 
I’m an agoraphobe who’s alone 90% of the time. 
Most of my family either abandoned me or was never in my life to begin with. 
I have no siblings, no friends, no s/o, and I VERY rarely talk to my parents. 

My dad threw me out in highschool and so my grandparents (his parents) felt bad for me and took me in. Unfortunately, they’re entitled narcissists with little to no empathy or understanding towards anyone or anything. They want everything their way all the time. I avoid leaving my room most days just so I don’t have to talk to them. 
I’ve been an agoraphobe for several years now, it started with me not leaving my house often, then not at all, and now I only leave my bedroom a couple times a day. 

I’m so fucking lonely I don’t know what to do. 
I really wanna date someone but we’re in the middle of a quarantine and even if we weren’t I have an EXTREMELY hard time finding real people attractive so It’s doubtful that I’d be able to find someone. 
Also, ofc, there’s the facts that I have no money and every time I leave my house I panic. 
Also, also, who the fuck wants to deal with someone who has bpd?? It’s har enough living with myself, I don’t wanna dump all my emotional bs on someone else. 

I’m so fucking desperate but at the same time I keep trying to push the thought of affection out of my head. 
It’s been years since I’ve hugged someone I’m not blood related to. I just want someone to love me. 


Sorry this post was so long, I just needed to ramble and I figure maybe someone on here will relate.