I’m not a drug user besides self medication via alcohol  so I often feel like I need something stronger. I often think of herion. Which I’ve never taken but I often wish I could. That probably sounds messed up. But I don’t know often feel like I crave some sort of numbness. Is is more than most? I just hate the way I feel and I try and make myself feel better. So I often drink to change my emotion. But I would like to seek more. And no. Medication is not an option. My psychiatrist said she wouldn’t prescribe what is my end of life. She isn’t wrong. I might at some point. But now I have nothing. Nothing to take the edge off but alcohol. So sometimes I feel like I want to dive heads first into drug use because I can’t handle my feelings.