hi guys. quick rant because i feel lost. i was diagnosed with bpd at the ripe young age of 15 after a years worth of observation. initially i was like okay well atleast i know what’s wrong, now i just need to obtain the necessary tools to not only live with it but control it. i’m 17 now. it feels like forever has passed. i’ve been through atleast 6 mental health professionals, therapists, physiatrist, psychologists. i’ve been looking for the right fit. the last psychologist i talked to did not come off to be progressional. i let myself be vulnerable, tried to explain my goals and things from the last that i NEED to heal from &amp; it felt as though i was being judged, she was cold &amp; made so many assumptions abt who i was n what i wanted, which were false. explaining that 30 minute call is difficult, she blamed my issues on weed (i only started smoking heavily when i was trying to survive living with my mother) 
the majority of the conversation was about pharmaceuticals. i let her know multiple times after she kept trying to push me to take medicine i did not want to, it’s a personal choice. i believe i can get better without pharmaceuticals, slow down on my smoking. first i just need to overcome the shit in the back of my brain.oh my fucking god did we get into it about bpd. being i was young when diagnosed i don’t know if the diagnosis is valid, hence another reason why i was there, it turned into what felt like mind games instead of straight shot question
it’s been 3 months since that appointment, i still want to get better i just don’t feel as though i can be vulnerable. 
also important side note- my mom doesn’t do thing out of love but instead spite n for attention, for her to be perceived a certain way. she got me that last psychologist app, she talked to the lady prior. my mother portrays me to be her abuser, that i was just so horrible and out of control. my mother is the source of the majority of my trauma. 

side note- don’t come at me for the psychologist appointment, that lady was not it for me n in addition my mother had gotten in her head (it sounds a bit ludicrous but if only u folks knew my mother, it would make sense)