30yo gay male here

I am always someone with turbulent relationships, contradictory thinking and tendencies to suicidal ideation and only see the world on white and black, only love or hate for other people, but I am no officially being diagnosed, till next month when I get results of the test I do at the beginning of the year mainly because my therapist was unable to help me because he doesn't know what exactly I have.
At the end of the last year I pass a traumatic experience when my boyfriend tries to end our relationship, I think I was done ok, but he almost hate me because without knowing or control it I develop a "second personality" to deal with strangers, and he can't keep up with it, I have the worst panic and anxiety attack I ever have in my life, I scream, I cry, I become crazy, never been so intense before, feel like my world are ending, like the death was the only answer, but regain control on myself, but still till this day almost a month over that, I am still worry, even more now, but things are going ok again, he later understand what is happening to me, but inside me, I fear our relation is kind of over if I don't control it.
Since I don't have a official diagnosis I try to found a answer of my increasing depression, anxiety and suicidal behaviour I have since years ago. I am too clingy and needy, I starting suffocate others on my feel to lose them specially when they are my partner. I do not blame them to want to escape from me, but I want to stop, so I begun to make zen meditation to deal with that second personality, also learn to identify and expose myself to what I see dangerous, like daily interaction with costumers and so. Later at the beginning of this year i found this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iraGmA7-9FA

It was like cold water on my face directly, something inside me do click but I wasn't sure, so I show it to my best friend for the last 10 years and later to my Boyfriend, both, knowing me well say the same thing "its literally you".
I start to investigate and the more I know, the more identified I found with almost all the requirements to be BPD. Still I have fear it in the diagnosis of the doctor its other thing like Bipolar, because is commons to being a misdiagnosis here, mainly because there is the stigma that almost all the cases are woman, so I feel like a rare case for that matter. I fear that in a case of misinterpretation I follow a treatment that don't will help me in reality

Well I don't know how to say or explain this, is more a venting than something else.

This is something new, so I have fear of the future, for my special ones and the people I love. I dont want to hate them, I don't want to isolate from them and most important, I don't want to hurt them because I don't know what I'm doing.

Is this impotency what it feels to been sick? I want to be controlled, because I don't know what I do or who I am in reality, I feel like a monster, and doesn't matter what I do, If I claim others to control me they get away, If try to control myself I hurt them.

I want to stop, I need some advice

Thanks 