I feel like such a useless human being. 

Me and my gf split about 6.5 weeks ago, and it was mainly all my fault. I let my anxiety take over so many scenarios and it made me into a toxic person at times.

We both had childhood trauma, and I recently had my abuser admit it to me over text - which I’ll be taking it further through the courts. 

My gf was really understanding even though she had her own issues. She was actually amazing when I think back over everything, but at times my anxious feelings would be so overbearing that I wouldn’t even see it. She asked me to go to therapy about 11 months ago, and she even offered to go with me. 

I’ve done therapy before, but that therapist was a bit useless to say the least and we fell out over them forcing me to come every week, instead of every 2 weeks like I wanted. This put me off starting therapy again, and I was nervous. 

I never said I wouldn’t go again, just that I would. I didn’t book my first appt till the middle of July this year. Along with couples therapy so we could learn to understand each other better and communicate better, both highly sensitive and sometimes that could get the better of us. 

We broke up before I ever got the chance to start therapy. Broke up because again I was an idiot and let my anxiety run wild. The day before I was going to see her, I got drunk to deal with my anxious thoughts (4 days before this my cousin admitted to abusing me as a child), and said to my gf that I’m done with the relationship - which I don’t have any recollection of at all. This started a deserved break down of our relationship. 

I’ve committed to therapy since, and I’ve been doing it every week. I’ve found a really nice therapist who I get on with and who understands me, and wow, do I feel like such a dickhead for all of my insecurities/anxiety that I’ve had and placed upon my ex in the relationship. 

So much childish anxious behaviour, I’m embarrassed that was even me. Ever since starting therapy again, I feel like my mind is so much clearer. And I don’t really have those irrational thoughts anymore, it’s like a fog has been lifted from my mind. And I’m disgusted with who I was. 

I’m also really disappointed that I couldn’t see all of this by myself during the relationship and fix it. I feel sorry for my ex girlfriend for what she had to go through at times. And if we ever got back together, I’d be a million times better than I ever was. Especially as I’m going to continue with this lady forever I think, even if in the distant future it’s just once a month to keep tabs etc. 

But I still can’t knock that feeling of being a failure for taking this long to sort my issues. 

Sorry if this doesn’t read properly, am a bit upset atm lol. 

Thanks.