Haven't been here in awhile. Decided to come in and mope for a bit. Feeling powerless and defeated. I'm not giving up, but in this moment I just wish I could find a way to let go and live. 

I just turned 30. I'm a struggling freelance writer with two master's degrees and all the debt to prove it. I'm a single mom, divorced about 2.5 years ago. I've been in therapy for that whole time. Had an emotionally abusive upbringing, officially diagnosed with BPD/depression/anxiety in 2014, but again: been in therapy for a long time, which dear god in heaven I am grateful for. It has helped.

I divorced my husband in 2014 after cheating on him for about 6 months straight with one person. My husband was a wonderful man (and is still a wonderful father and a good friend to me.) I just decided that I couldn't be true to him for the rest of our lives. I had never been in love with him to begin with—for me, it was a comfort relationship. It was an "at least I'm not alone" relationship. I needed to prove to everyone that I was ahead of the Life Game, so getting engaged to him, marrying him, buying a house with him, and having a child with him all felt more like a, "What life milestone can I put on Facebook now?" kind of thing. I meant well, but in the end I realized I just wanted attention. I didn't want to be alone. And if I really loved the guy, the best thing I could do would be to let him go. So I did.

At least I righted that wrong. He's better off these days without me dragging him down and faking my life with him. And as miserable as I've been, I know I'm stronger and more emotionally intelligent these days having been forced to do so much growing all on my own. I'm very lucky that he decided to remain friends with me. Our daughter is doing well.

To that note, I'm confident that I'm doing the best I can as a mother. I read parenting literature all the time, and I keep a distance from my own emotionally abusive parents (went NC with NDad some months ago) just to help me maintain perspective. (My ex-husband’s parents basically ended up adopting me. I think I’m probably closer to them than he is. I’m grateful that he’s understanding of this and happy to let me stay in his family, knowing that I have no one else.) I feel very emotionally in tune with my daughter. I haven't been perfect, but she appears to be a very normal 4.5 year old, who takes a lot after me in terms of her sensitivity. I just work to put all my shit aside when I'm with her (as much as I can) and respond to her consistently, and BE consistent. Lots of empathy and loving-limits. Always teaching her that her feelings are okay, she should feel safe expressing them, and providing her tips on how to live with big emotions (breathing, talking, trusting Mom, stomping feet, crying are all acceptable, but not hitting, kicking, running away, or screaming in the house, things like that.)

I often wish I could do more for her (like I wish she could have all the playdates and sleepovers she wants) but I try my best to just love her. Even if I'm having a depressed day, I'm open with her about feelings so she can see that everyone has "off" days, and that doesn't mean I can't love or take care of her. She spends time with her dad and I 50/50 with a grandparent-sleepover at least once a week. But I often look at other moms who are friends with other moms, whose kids get together often and play. My little girl has one friend who comes over about once a week, and she goes to pre-school twice a week during the normal school year, so she does have interactions with other children. But I wish I was close enough to other moms and not so introverted, so they felt comfortable just dropping their kids off with me so my daughter could have some more playmates, more consistently. But, she has that one friend, I guess. Sometimes my daughter seems so hurt and confused by the fact that I don’t get together with other parents for playdates more often. But, I really do try.

So much of the depression and exhaustion I feel on a daily basis, I can attribute to the love I have for my daughter and the fear that she'll grow up like me: depressed, anxious, with BPD. All sources point to NO that won't happen—compared to me, she's had a lovely childhood filled with snuggles and playtime. She gets passed around between me, her dad, and her grandparents, all of whom are loving and responsive. Imperfect, of course, but otherwise loving and responsive. She experiences a strong attachment with them all, it seems. She gets frustrated with the constant passing-around sometimes I think, and often just wants to be at Mommy's house every night all the time, and has often whined, "I don't want to go to Daddy's," and has even had a tantrum or two about it. But we do our best to be sure that she feels like her emotions are valid, and that we're paying attention, even if she still has to go to Daddy's. Nevertheless, an enormous portion of my day is spent worrying about her, or missing her, or exhausted when I'm with her because finding the energy to play pretend or negotiate with her normal, pre-school emotions really is just exhausting. Which again, I know is normal. I do my best though, and that's all I can do. Patience, consistency, and connection. Doesn't keep me from worrying, though. Worrying that I'm not a happy-enough mama. Though most people, seeing our pictures (http://imgur.com/C3RTQ2p), would tell me things are okay.

I'm a freelance writer. I was employed at home full-time by a startup company until February when they laid me off to save some money, but kept me on contract. I write a blog post for them every week and make $55 per post. They also grab me if they need other writing done, but that's sort of rare. Right around that time (February) I received a settlement check for a medical issue I sustained while on birth control in 2010, and that settlement provided me with about 6 months or so worth of living expenses. I've been sitting on that this whole time while I pick up more writing clients. In that time, I've earned about a month of living expenses writing. I'm proud of myself for hustling to a. make a dream of working freelance @ home possible, and b. earning enough doing that to keep a roof over my head for another month. But I'm hyper-critical of myself and always feel like I could be doing more. Like today, I keep telling myself that I should be looking for more writing jobs, working on the jobs I have, or at least cleaning/organizing my house, and instead I'm here, exhausted, having slept until 11am, trying to work out all my emotional kinks instead of doing actual, "real" work. I have proof that I have been productive (a house, a car, money for food, clothes for my daughter, and a few uncashed checks from writing) yet I feel like the least productive person in the world because I don't hop out of bed every day at 8am and have a long, full, day of active productivity.

I’m about $85k in debt with student loans. The loan provider saw my 2014 tax return and decided I was too poor to even need to make payments yet, so my current monthly payment is still $0. Between my house, my student loans, and my car, I’ll probably never be out of debt. It’s crushing, if I allow it to be. I mostly just accept it and hope something cool will happen one day. My degrees aren’t in anything too substantial: one of them could prove to be lucrative if I wanted to use it, but I’ve worked in that industry and it nearly killed me. I can’t do on-location 9-5 style jobs without losing my mind. I’ve never kept a job like that longer than a year. I only manage to do well in jobs where I can make my own schedule and I never, physically, HAVE to be anywhere. I’m hyper-introverted and highly sensitive so even just being around fluorescent lights too long eventually starts to wear on me and I’m a horrible employee. I don’t understand how anyone gets up and goes to work every day and gets things done consistently. I don’t ever see myself in a job where I make even $50k, $60k a year. I just don’t. Maybe. Who knows. I think I’d have to be pretty lucky. I’m hoping freelance writing will one day net me that, but if I can’t get my ass in gear I’m not sure it ever will. All those years of school and I can’t even make them financially pay off for me. 

Speaking of productivity and health, sleeping is absolutely hell for me. I can't seem to bring myself to go to bed or sleep until sometime between the hours of 2am and 4am...even if I'm exhausted and had only 4ish hours of sleep the night before. My week of sleep looks like this: 4 hours (or less) some nights, then 10 hours another night, then the average nights of 6-7 hours of sleep that never, ever feel like enough. My body seems to beg me for 9+ hours of sleep a night. I'm constantly working on a deficit. Going to bed before midnight makes me so anxious. I can't really go to bed, or go to sleep at all until I'm completely exhausted because I can't bear the thought of lying there alone. So I stay up and read articles and dick around on Facebook or Reddit or chat or watch TV. All of these things make me feel good in those moments, better than just going to bed would. But the cost is exhausted days. Always exhausted. Exhausted is my word.

I worry often about my health. Working from home, I sit on my ass for hours and hours a day: the couch, specifically. Maybe once every two weeks I can manage to find the energy and gumption to talk a forced walk outside with one of my dogs. I rode a bike for 15 minutes last week but the bike was so uncomfortable I couldn't really get much joy out of it (need to fix the bike). I believe I'd feel better if I found time to visit the gym for an hour a day, but I always talk myself out of it. My health worries me. I don't have health insurance as a freelancer, and really can't afford to buy any right now. (My daughter is also uninsured.) I worry about my cholesterol (my dad had hypercholesterolemia.) It's been high since I was little, even though my "good" cholesterol is also high since I do try hard not to eat too terribly. I quit smoking about 6 months ago but still vape to get nicotine, though I just recently started lowering the nicotine levels and hope to be off nicotine by the end of the summer. I had a DVT in 2010 in response to being on birth control but they never found that I had any blood clotting disorders. I went on to have pre-eclampsia with my daughter. Some days my legs really ache, and I keep a heater on me all day long because I'm constantly cold, so I'm sure I have imperfect circulation. My dad had peripheral artery disease. I know working out a little every day would help, as would quitting nicotine entirely and drinking a lot more water (I mostly live on Diet Coke) but I can't bring myself to do any of those things. I don't cook meals anymore because it's just me and my daughter and that kid basically only wants to eat bread and chicken soup, so why cook? I eat lean cuisines and Amy's frozen meals and munch on tortilla chips and bananas and greek yogurt. I eat just so I'm not hungry and that's about it. I'm sure there are things I could do to give myself more energy, but I already have such low energy that it's hard to find the energy to do THOSE things.

I just feel like a slob. I feel like I have an excuse for everything. I feel like I'm doing my best and my best still isn't enough. To top it off, I'm days away from ending a 2.5 year-long relationship that has been both terrible and beautiful. I have to get out because I know it's not right for me. But I don't know how he's going to react and I'm just really not looking forward to the pain and heartbreak that will bring. I'm leaving him (we were never officially together) for someone I've been "with" in varying capacities for almost 2 years now, someone I trust and love and who makes me very happy, consistently, and who I know is very, very good for me. Should make me over-the-moon happy, and it does in certain moments, but saying goodbye to that other relationship once and for all won't be easy.

Friends are whatever. I don't really ever go out. I stay home to work and then I mother. I'm trying to branch out some, though. I'm interested in going canoeing some time soon. I have one best friend here but we're both busy so I don't see her too often. Even when I have time to go hang out with her, I usually just want to be alone. I'm very close with my family.

I really just feel like I am one missed writing deadline away from losing everything and being destitute. That’s all it’ll take. One day where I just can’t do it anymore. One day where I’m so exhausted I just throw it all away. Just one day. 

Then another day arrives, and it’s a higher-energy day, and I get some things done. But I see it less as an accomplishment and more of like…well, I saved my ass that day. I just can’t get ahead. I cannot get ahead. I’m always just one step behind completely dropping the ball.

Today it is cloudy and chilly and I'm just unhappy. Even when I feel "happy" it feels like work. I long for ease of living. 

I want to go back to sleep, right now. But I can't.