Warning: TW

I'm writing this because I need to vent and just put my thoughts into writing and I don't want this on my computer so, I'm using my throwaway.

I'd met my now ex-girlfriend a few years ago through an online dating service. Now, at the time my love life was in shambles like my previous ex was cold and uncaring and this woman showed me some warmth and some kindness and we shared some trauma (mainly our attempts to end things early). So as a result, we met in person and started dating. 

In hindsight, I should have seen the warnings. She used to talk down to me like a lesser person. I saw her do it to her siblings and thought that was the way she was raised. She also had a temper but instead of verbalizing it, she would employ mental warfare (her favorite was the silent treatment, which got longer the more fights we had. Towards the end it was 2 weeks) and ask me what **I** did wrong. Not both of us, just I was at fault. Another tactic she loved was comparing me to others' SO's and tell me that if they could do what they do, what excuses did I have? 

I knew what she was doing was wrong. Fight after fight, I would outline how she wronged me and she used to apologize but after a certain point started feeding me excuses and lies. Towards the end she employed gaslighting.

I've had clinical depression for years (undiagnosed at the time, long story and irrelevant how I found out) and during my time with her I hit my breaking point. I was having mental breakdowns so often that I ended up seeing a psychiatrist and officially getting diagnosed with moderate depressive disorder. I thought it was just me at the time. But after every fight, I just slowly stopped caring if she ever called again and at the end I stopped giving a shit if she was going to leave or not (last two fights I told her "if you think I'm so inferior, then leave") and the breakdowns kind of stopped. I started to feel better about myself the less I talked to her and the two weeks she ghosted me after our final fight, I never had a breakdown. I didn't feel that weight in my chest. I didn't feel like I needed alcohol to feel better. And that was it, that showed me she was dragging me down. Her condescension, her redirected anger and she projected her self-loathing onto me. And so, I left. It's been a few weeks now and I haven't had any breakdowns and my mind just felt like it was healing.

My parents told me after I'd told them that everybody (family, friends and even my therapist) knew that this girl was bad news. My main flaw was staying too long and being so arrogant in thinking that I could help her through her (undiagnosed but obvious) depression, pent up anger and self-doubt and self-loathing. I thought I could be the light in her darkness and that was so arrogant and near-sighted of me to think I could change someone who's too lazy or can't simply be bothered to be changed.

I'm feeling better now but the darkest months where I cried myself to sleep or refused to leave my bed or lost interest in everything was caused by this one person. The fact that the depression was likely mild in the past and worsened because of her makes me sick. She's left some scars in my mind but the darkness is starting to move back and hopefully I can keep it contained again.