I’m not sure where to start so this might be long, but I feel lost, this disorder is literally destroying what I have with my FP, who has stayed with me through so much, seen all the ugliest parts of me and despite it find things to love about me, constantly try to make things work between us, take issues that i talk to them about seriously and worked on them to the point things were basically perfect between us, I started feeling less tense, more trust and overall HAPPY, content with life and her. It’s almost as if when things become good, my disorder HAS to find something wrong and if it doesn’t then it creates it and lights up a fire to turn into a full blown chaos, it’s like a part of my brain is afraid of good things, like.. They’re too good to be true so i have to go and destroy it, the moment things become good i feel i don’t deserve it because i hate myself so much, i don’t feel i deserve love or anything this good to happen but then at the same time I WANT IT and some moments i feel i do, and as a result I enjoy those happy days and then it’s a matter of time until this disorder gives me impulses to self sabotage it, constantly trying to prove to the person how horrible i am for them and that they deserve somebody better. Every time i fuck up or self sabotage i say i’m going to leave, even though i DON’T want to, I want things to be good and be happy but then this fucking illness won’t let me have it because this monster in me won’t let me, it tells me i don’t deserve it and that i need to destroy it and it’s killing me because my FP means so much to me, we both try to make things work so much and for them to get better and when they finally do, i go off and fuck it up. I’m going to start DBT in two weeks but i’m just feeling lost right now and depressed because i’m digging my own hole, i cry about people leaving me and then when someone sticks around and proves me otherwise, i go and do it myself or self sabotage until they will, it’s killing me that i destroy everything around me and hurt her as well, she deserves someone so much better. 