So I guess I'll break down what I know about myself and the relationship I just got out of that has made me really look for a reason to why I feel the way I do and why has life gotten to this point.

Friendships:

First off I'm a 28 yo male. Thinking back I realized that ever since college started I've been having a very hard time keeping friends. There would always be something that my friends did that would cause me to alienate them. Most of the of the reasons were that I felt they didnt care about me. Sometimes I wouldnt be invited out or someone didnt seem to care about what I had to say. But in the beginning of the friendships everything would be awesome, intense genuine friendships which eventually just lead to me not contacting them anymore, because they didnt seem to care and so neither should I. So now I have a handful of friends but none close enough to really share anything meaningful with. Not sure if this a BPD problem, but from what I read it seems like a pattern of idealization and devaluation. Also it feels like an efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. So I leave them before they can leave me?

Also, as I've grown older I realized that my social anxiety has began to pick up. I've always felt slightly anxious before but now its intensified. I think it has A LOT to do with my last breakup which I will get to. But my anxiety around new people have become a noticeable problem even around relatives and close friends and theres this feeling of emptiness seems to grow day by day. This also applies to my self confidence. I think I've always been a little self conscious but now I that too has intensified, but I guess that goes along with the social anxiety and anxiety in general. 

Family:

I think about this a lot. My parents have never been emotional. They've always made me feel that I just wasnt good enough. Very very critical of everything. Somethings were so small but it gets stuck in my head. Just constant nagging and always treating me like a child. Classic situation huh? I just never felt any love. At least some parents that are critical sometimes show some love right?

They did do everything for me though, paid for my school bought me things when I was younger but there was never that feeling of love, more like a responsibility. And I've grown to be extremely irritable when I'm around them, this is something I've tried to correct but its what I've been doing for 20 years so I dont know what can be done about this. Every little negative thing they say no matter how small just pisses me off. Theres no way for me to show that I care or to be close to them. Now that I'm older for the most part I just try to ignore it but I still get into huge arguments with them. When reading about the causes of BPD i noticed childhood neglect as one of the causes, but I'm not sure I can put myself in that category. I'm sure a lot of people have gone through the same thing w/ their parents.

Previous Relationships:

All except for my last relationship have ended the same way. The beginning was amazing, extreme happiness and love. After a period, about 6 months usually I just stop caring, stopped listening and became really cold. I get bored of the relationship and loose attraction but I dont want to break up. So I'm hot and cold. Cold when I feel like I can get away with it and hot when I feel like I'm loosing her. Always ends up with her breaking up with me and me begging for her back even though in the back of my mind I know I already don't care. I'm usually over this in a week or two if not less. I know one of the mistakes I always make is spending pretty much every moment with them. As I described in my friendship paragraph I dont have extremely close friends and the few friends that I have I tend to abandon because I never feel that they cared. So its always easy to abandon them for this new person in my life that I love and who loves me back. 

My last relationship:

This one is sort of the reason why I've been on a tear lately trying to find anything I can to help me emotionally. This is the one that has left me lost and defeated. The one that has intensified this feeling of emptiness and anxiety

First off, she is just beautiful. More beautiful than anyone I've ever imagined myself being with. She is also Muslim and I am atheist. So right off the bat this was doomed to fail. I just became enamored with her and just flat out courted her till she agreed to date me. I didnt think much of the religious issue. When you dont really meet anyone new you're not going to over think about dating an extremely attractive woman. But anyway, the first few months were amazing. Best couple of months of my life pretty much. But mind you it was also full of petty arguments, some due to my overreaction and some due to hers (i'd sum it up as her overreaction to something causing me to overreact even more). I couldnt believe this girls logic and way of thinking. But I digress. 

The first few months were filled of amazing moments. But just like my previous relationships one day I felt the beginning of what was me loosing interest. This girl caught on right away...she got extremely furious and called me out. For whatever reason this made me crazy for her. And it felt like everyday from that point on I was trying to appease her feelings. I did everything I could to make her happy. Then one day we were fighting about religion and she decided that our relationship wasn't going to work. This was the first time a girl has tried to break up with me when I was still madly in love with her. I refused to take no for an answer. So this half breakup continued on for months(huge mistake). 

I would do everything in my power for her to feel loved and show her how much I cared. But the arguments got worse. The harder I tried the easier it was for her to get mad. I gave up all of my dignity to be with this girl. I knew that it wasnt going to work but for the life of me I could not leave. I knew that one day this will culminate into something terrible. I've never been this attached to someone before and she would always be hot and cold. One day she would just be happy to see me like a typical happy relationship but the next day she would be the complete opposite bringing back all the reasons why we cant be together and getting extremely confrontational. I dont know if she let me stick around or I was just persuasive enough to do so. I also dont know if religion wasnt an issue how she wouldve treated me. She has had a rough life. She was molested as a child, ran away from home and her ex-bf beat and raped her. I felt such a need to take care of her all my other feelings were neglected. It was like beating a dead horse but I couldnt get myself to stop...

Now fast forward a couple of months of this dragging on the fights got worse. I started to get extremely frustrated and started to break things and punching things(not her of course). Its something my dad does a lot and I felt was pretty normal as a guy. But this scared her and made everything 10X worse. She started comparing me to her EXBF that used to beat her which made me feel like a piece of shit. I became so desperate and sad, I didnt know I was even capable of such strong emotions. Ive even threatened suicide and thats something I've never thought I can do. My dignity, self worth was shattered. Now at 28 years old w/ not many friends I feel so completely alone and she has meant everything in my life in the past year. Its been almost 6 months since I've had any meaningful interaction with her. I broke down a few weeks ago because I drank a little too much and went to see her w/ no results. I still love her and I'm constantly in search of a way to move on. 

When I first discovered BPD a few weeks ago I thought it the symptoms were very similar to what I feel. Then reading more about it i feel like she probably had a worse case then me. But in the end I feel like I've led a very uneventful and meaningless life. The anxiety and emptiness I feel now has made even harder for me to move on. I originally didnt want this post to be mostly about this relationship but rather my life as a whole. My main problem has always been keeping people around. I know I'm leaving a lot out. Hopefully you guys can ask me some good questions and I will try to answer them as truthfully as possible. 