Hi I'm sorry if I break any rules I just feel really down and I honestly have the means to end it all. I'm 30 I've been diagnosed with bi polar recently although I've dealt  with it for years. They have me on geodon, gabapentin, restoril, and wellbutrin. I use pot and percocet recreationally I know it's not good but it's the only thing that helps or makes me feel remotely normal. I have two kids, an ex wife that treats me like dirt, I live with my boss, her husband, and 13 animals. I feel distant from everything I have a girlfriend but that's not important as much to me. I feel like my whole world around me is crumbling. I don't have custody of my kids we don't even have a custody agreement but I'm treated like there is one. I have no immediate family their all dead or locked up. I tried going to doctors but I'm in pain I've been to pain management but because I've been "constant since February of 2020 with narcotics" I'm not "allowed" pain pills, I've been in fucking pain since then all I've done is ask for help I've been made to feel like asking for help I pointless even with mental health they've told me the same I'm not asking for anything in particular I'm not stupid thay doesn't get you anywhere I try what they give me and if it doesn't work I tell them so, then they give me the talk about narcotics and make me feel like a drug seeker. I feel like j should just kill myself, Id be happy and pain free. My kids could remember the good times and I'd be less of burden