So I have been in a 5 month relationship with a girl that deals with BPD and depression. We tried to take it slow but I my consistent romanticism and really pushed things forward. Doing all this stuff turned me into being codependent to her and I think, stopped her growth .I thought I could love her mental health to a good place. (Yes, I’m an idiot). Throughout everything we have been through I still think she is the love of my life. At my darkest times I picture myself in her grasp resting my head on her shoulder.  It’s been a month since I talked to her and I’m wondering if I should make contact. 

[Our last fights/Breakup]

She hates me looking at like Reddit porn and liking other girls photos on social media. It’s been friction point in the relationship. We had made a compromise to for me to only look at produced porn. But one day I broke it and looked at a women that had a onlyfans. She was pissed. I lied when she first asked then came clean that day. She suggested I might have a porn addiction. So I got a therapist around it and talk SAA consolers (They said I don’t have a sex addiction that god) She despised me for a week. Then we talked and agreed to go back to being friends. It was hard for me to transition due to the fact that she had become my self worth at the time and felt it was her pulling away. A week later in my deterioration I started looking at the guys that were liking her post. One guy I saw she liked one of  his post where he only had underwear on. (He also has a girlfriend and other photos on the post). I literally went numb. I talked to her about it the next day and she flipped on me for being a hypocrite because I told her that I would be ok with those things. I told her I was a hypocrite.
 A week later I wrote her a letter telling her that I didn’t like the person I turned into and I need to become a better man before I can be in contact with her. Then deleted insta and TikTok apps so I don’t get jealous again. 

[The Next Month]

The two weeks were really bad. I literally was couldn’t feel and didn’t care about anything. At my lowest point a guy pissed with road rage pulled a gun on me and I didn’t even care. After therapy learning that I can’t pour all myself worth in people. I went home to really get myself together and I find out I my grandma is about to die.  Over the last few weeks I found laughter again and I’m aware of my emotions. At this point I feel better but know I’m still have a long way to go. I don’t want to get in the way of her recovery with my issues but I do miss her and want to tell her that I’m ok. 

Should I reach out to make contact?