Hi everyone,

I really want to share my story with you, it's the first time I do so and hope you'll find yourself in my words, and maybe some help if you need it.

I'm a 27 guy with a good job, a girlfriend for 4 years now. Not everything is perfect in my head (i'll come to it) but I guess there was a significant improvement.

Now let's me start at the beginning. I was adopted from Romania when I was 2 month old by significantly older persons from Belgium. My dad was 50 then, my mom 48 (which, I learned it way later, was 5-6 years older than my biological grandparents). When I was a kid there were signs of BPD, but since it's not really a well known disorder, and kids do stupid things, my parents and I didn't realize what was happening. Every fight we had I thought "This time, they'll abandon me". Thinking it was a problem with my origins, I asked my mom and dad to meet my biological parents. I was 10 then. So we went there and I met my biological parents and sister. I was welcomed there like a movie star. But I was too young to fully understand what was going on.

My teenage years were - as you can guess - chaotic. I was fighting all the time with my mom and dad, even for the smallest reason. Overreacting over everything (and everyone), I had weird relationships, anxiety, and so on. I did see a lot of therapists but even with them, relationships did not go well. To be fair my dad blamed me a lot for not having good grades, spending too much time on my computer, being lazy, ... He grounded me as much. Can't blame him, he had to be "the strong male" of the family since he was a kid (his dad died in Buckenwald during WWII). On the other hand he and my mom were always there for me when sadness was stronger than me, even if I did the dumbest thing in the world, and no matter what I said before (trust me I said horrible things)

When I was 18, I decided to see my biological family again. I saw them two times that year. It really tore me apart that time. I felt loved there and wanted to stay there. Even though it was heartbreaking for everyone. But my parents convinced me not to, and back with them in Belgium, there were only pieces of me left. That year I found someone as broke as me, with the same disorder as I had, similar background etc. It was the first step out.

As I mentioned my student life wasn't going well. But I did one more year in law degree. There I met my first girlfriend. And at that time, just knowing someone was in love with me changed everything... Or almost. I was happier at that time, but still unstable. There were big ups and downs as only BPD people can relate, I was going from extreme sadness to exaltation, anger to love in seconds. For a reason, a couldn't help the fact I wanted to cheat on her (which I did, just to see how it feels). After one year and 10 month, that girl dumped me (can't blame her).

In that time I had a work, that I lost because of depression. I my need of limits testing (and breaking) I started some drugs. First time shrooms really scared me, I saw me killed by one of the guy who were there. For a while had dissociation periods. Still at this moment, I never heard of BPD. For a year I experimented some drugs including cocaine, ecstasy, Ritalin. I don't remember those moments pretty well, but I wasn't sad. I met a lot of people and lost my belly. But I lost many of my marks. I did stupid and painful things to my closest friends, who were trusting me. Now I've lost them and there's no turning back.

Then I started to study again. To be fair the communications degree I got was pretty easy to get, but it was good for self esteem. I met a girl there (the one I'm still with). She was as broken as I was. Similar background again, but slightly different. She wasn't adopted but her dad hanged himself. We started dating but I was still unstable. I stopped doing drugs (except for weed sometimes, but in Belgium it's commonly tolerated).

One day I had a big crisis I yelled at her so much the police came. I don't remember good this day. It was cloudy in my head. I started to see a therapist again. She gave me a bunch of tests and when she read me what BPD was it was like a mind opening for me. I stopped having remorse for who I was and my dad hated, somehow I could rebuild my self-esteem. Sadly my therapist had an accident and she had to stop seeing me. Even though, she showed me the way.

Then, last year, I started a training in programming, and now I'm part of a consulting cabinet for banks in Luxembourg. I met there people who trusted me and my skills, and for the first time in a job I felt appreciated.

I took big shortcuts to tell this story, but I think I told the most. Here are the advices I can give you:

- Don't do drugs

- Find a therapist who can understand you, if it doesn't works after 2 sessions, it's not the right person

- I have have the chance to have someone by my side who knows how it feels to be alone. People, there are persons around you who are the same.

- Even though, like me, you are guilty for some actions, it does not defines you !

- BPD persons are clever people, don't forget it 8)

- If you ever doubt to be able to do something (start new studies, getting a new job), do it ! Trying will help you to get better, even if you fail (and you won't)

- Try and identify overthinking, and force you not to. I know it's hard, a therapist can help you find the best way to do it.

Love ya people,

Have a good day !