I can't take care of myself and never could, and don't even make efforts. and then I ask myself why. why am I not being good to myself, not giving myself another chance to improve without judging myself. I keep failing. I am a grown up woman but still can't figure out how to regulate my own emotions, children learn how to calm themselves down at age 3.

and I honestly don't like schema-focused therapy. I have had 3 sessions so far, it feels so shallow. even my psychotherapist looks like a very shallow, overly nice person (I know this is just my adverse reaction, this is not the case though). I so much prefer DBT but it's hard to find a skilled DBT therapist. and it's more expensive.

I am a bad person, I'd provoke others to reveal themselves, those shallow nice chats will never fulfill me, I feel like when people are acting nicely in socially accepted ways they are just faking it. I want them to be genuine, I want people to open up, have I ever asked them if they want to open up to me and eventually get into a fight with me? no. probably they want to be left alone. especially my workmates. why am I being a pain int he ass.

all those explanations (vulnerable, angry child, punitive parent modes etc.) feel too shallow and they will never fulfill my innate needs. then I ask myself why should I make efforts to learn how to self regulate and not act out. why. like what's the point. why should I adapt to everyone else, if I am not like everyone else. yes, to be accepted socially, but what for? to maintain a job? to pay bills? not to be put in a mental institution? whoa, what an achievement. what is the f point? 

everything happening to me is affecting me very intensely, mostly negatively, borderlines have no skin, everything hurts.