I love horror films and games, but I'm extremely frustrated with myself for not fully engaging in the se of the most scary parts. I have diagnosed anxiety disorders, etc., yet my rational mind tells me I could cope with seeing these images. But the vast irrational mind insists that if I see something too frightening, I'll "go crazy". It's this feeling of certainty that if I see this or that creept image, I'll start hallucinating it everywhere or my brain will unravel for good. And sure, I use to have awful nightmares all the way into my early or mid-twenties, but I'm almost 32 now and I now don't even have many mundane anxiety dreams anymore (that's just left to the waking hours). 

Historically, my panic attacks have been intense. When I was younger I was being rocked by near-fainting and actual screaming attacks on a regular basis (sometimes every day or other day). I'm scared whenever there are signs that this kind of level of panic might return, and I take diazepam at a low dose as needed along with a mid-to-high dose of slow-release propranolol to keep myself somewhat balanced.

So, maybe this is just an internal mechanism trying to save me from what it assumes will be pain it knows well, rather than a nice sharp thrill of controllable adreneline. When I'm able to watch during a horror scene, when I don't look away, I love it. I haven't had nightmares from a horror film since I was about 12. I wish I knew how to convince myself that it's not really possible from me to go from a little neurotic to full-blown delusional/psychotic from a little scare. 

I'm going to play Phasmaphobia with my two friends later for the first time in ages. I need that kind of socialising as, being autistic, I find it hard to connect much outside of my limited hobbies and interests. I love ghost-related horror. I love the creepiness and the lore attached to spirits. I was excited at the prospect of getting to play, but since yesterday afternoon my brain keeps coming back to "can I cope with this?" And there's been the slight thought of just canceling even though I *really* do want to play.

I don't know if there's much anybody can say unless there are horror fans here with a similar issue who want to vent with me. I know this seems insignificant but, as I said, I have incredibly narrow interests and tend only to be able to socialise through them rather than normal means.