i dont know what to say. i havent been to therapy in a while, and is so hard to find somewhere. ive been to nearly every therapist’s office near me and the only ones that worked for me are understaffed now from covid so i cant go back. in the past few weeks my mental health has taken a nosedive. im struggling with an ED relapse, as well as SH, and on top of all this my nightmares are only getting worse. i cant sleep anymore unless i deprive myself of it for over a day or if im high or drunk. i am at the lowest i think ive ever been. ive been struggling with suicidal thoughts too, and i just, am so tired all the time, mentally, emotionally, and physically. i have friends who come to me like a hack therapist and as much as i love and want to help them i cant anymore. everything and everyone is draining me. not too long ago i isolated myself from everyone for weeks to try and feel something positive when i came back but it didnt work. i was happy for about a minute and then everything went back to normal and i was so annoyed and tired and so mad at myself for feeling like that. i dont know anymore, i feel like im turning into someone i dont want to be, like everything i liked about myself, my passion for music and art, my kindness, everything is just gone. and im just bitter, and sad, and jaded. i cant even say im apathetic anymore because i am so tired and drained that i long to be apathetic again, i crave numbness. its like if my energy and mood were to fill up a container there would be a vacuum in that space, its not even empty, its less than that now, and i just wish i at least had the comfort of an empty container. i dont know if im making sense anymore, im exhausted and spiraling. sorry for screaming into the void for so long.