My girlfriend and I broke up earlier this week. I Skipped out on My family’s Christmas festivities all week and have just been picking up extra shifts to keep myself busy with work. I have today and tomorrow off and now that I’m sitting in my quiet empty house, it’s hitting me. I feel worried for myself. I have access to booze and to pot and I don’t know what my sadness will push me towards. 

I think I’ll be ok. I guess I just wanted to vent. Let someone know I’m ok but not ok. 

I remember when we first started dating, I was struggling with whether I felt I deserved this or not, someone so pure and loving and patient. It turns out, I definitely did not deserve her, and in other ways she didn’t deserve me. Not to say I was too good for her, because that’s nowhere near the truth. She didn’t deserve a partner who could give a whole spectacle of sweeping her off her feet, wooing her and showing her this grand idea of love and life with me…. Only for that to come crumbling down when I split, and then when I became depressed, and stopped caring about myself and my life and about her. Not fair. I’m happy she came to her senses and made this choice for herself. I hope she can find somebody easier to love and with more to give to her. And I think I’ll stick to the notion that maybe until I am somehow able to manage this fucking bpd I will just not get involved with another person like that. Their hearts and feelings matter too. I don’t have it in me to make room for both, what a shitty shit lol.