Something kind of weird is happening to me. I realized recently that I literally don’t know how to have normal relationships anymore. Romantic, platonic, professional... none of them. I feel like I’ve seen many reddit posts about people not realizing what genuinely loving relationships were like until they ~got dumped by their ex~ and then ~met their soulmate~ (that’s just an example). I’ve always thought, wow that is so so sad that they didn’t understand how it felt to be genuinely loved and I’m so glad they found their person. 

Today I realized that that’s ME.... sometimes, people are really sweet to me, and I just clam the fuck up and get really awkward. I don’t know how to receive affection. I just don’t know how to return it? I’m so awkward, fuck. I don’t know how to have close friendships anymore. I get so uncomfortable. Whenever something happens that makes me really uncomfortable, I just give up on the idea that they could be in my life. I have too much difficulty trusting them. I’m terrified of authoritative figures— my boss, my profs, anyone who is in a position of power over me.. Even when they like me, I just get so uncomfortable. I hear my colleagues talking on the phone sometimes with their SOs and I’m just like ??? No one has ever been that sweet to me, but I never thought anything was particularly wrong with my relationships other than me being a piece of shit. I just don’t think I’ve ever been loved that way. And it feels too late now I guess? I don’t see it getting better. I’m just confused. Why am I so uncomfortable with normal things? Will I ever be comfortable with expressing love and having people express love? My friend called today and his gf was there and I talked to them for a bit. At the end of the call, his gf said “it was great to hear your voice!” And I just froze and said “yeah” very awkwardly. WHY am I regressing this way? I used to be able to socialize, now I’m just weird. 

I think I will be alone forever, truly. And even if I do meet someone I love, who loves me back just as much... I’ll ruin it because I’m unstable as fffffuck and I can’t seem to fix it. I don’t want to try anymore. What’s the point? Everyone ends up hurt, you know? 

I think part of it may be that I’m a grad student in a different state than where I’m from, so unfortunately my social life and “professional”/academic life are mixed into one. My work is my life and my life is my work and I don’t know anyone else in this state and I don’t have time or energy to go out and make friends, especially at this age where it’s difficult to make truly close new friends. I guess maybe I feel uncomfortable with mixing those two parts of my life. I’m still not used to it. I don’t want my best friend to be someone I work with every day. I miss having friends that I could actually talk to. I don’t know. Just needed to get this out. Even made a throwaway account for it. Thanks for reading.