After 12+ years I finally reached out to a doctor. This is the worst I’ve been in a while but this is the first time I’ve felt like I can’t bounce back. Unable to do my job, mood swings, complete exhaustion, 24/7 feeling of doom. 

They prescribed 30 days of 0.5 mg of Clonazepam at bedtime for immediate relief along with 10 mg Lexapro 1xday to start with therapy. I have a referral to someone who teaches CBT (finally!). This was Thursday and I haven’t started the medication yet.

It sounds terrifying “changing the chemicals in my brain” and this Clonazepam is pretty scary. I’m afraid it will change me as a person and I’ll lose myself. Adderall turned me into a robot and about wiped out my sense of humor while I was on it for a short time. It’s also scary how these labels have “don’t stop taking”. I don’t want to be drugged up the rest of my life. Also haven’t contacted the therapist yet. 

On top of this now I’m panicking because I’m supposed to call my GP this Thursday evening with an update on how the medicine is working for me. Can someone come over and hide it in some cheese or peanut butter so I can get it over with? I think if I can just take the first pill I can do this. Such a daunting ledge though.