(repost because rsocialskills deleted my first post)

i recently graduated high school, and was rejected from all of my colleges. i ended up going to college of marin, and deciding i would transfer after two years to a UC. when i was in high school, i had a decent amount of friends, because i had a mindset of wanting to have fun and not really caring what others thought of me.

after i graduated, everything changed. my friends are all going to completely different places, they are all proud of all the fun theyre having, and they almost seem to look down upon me when we chat online. anything i say is simply overlooked or gets a simple "ok" response. my friends that i have that were a grade below me, i feel immense guilt hanging out with or talking to, because as an eighteen year old im really not supposed to talk to or hang out with children. besides, i basically only have one friend that actually cares about me at all in that grade anyways.

friends are so important to me. they always have been. i love the idea of having a punk or goth friend group like people used to have in the 90s or 2000s because the idea of everyone in that group having such a close bond means so much to me. friends are shoulders i can cry on, people that care about me, people that i can care about, i mean hanging out with the friends ive made was the only thing i cared about as a kid. its the end goal, after all the work in life, to relax with friends and just hang out or do some kind of interesting project. my parents got divorced when i was in middle school, and, although im not entirely sure, i think my mother may have been verbally or emotionally abusive to me when i was a young child. (i hate to make the assumption because it seems immature) But either way family has always meant so much less than friends have. ive also noticed an odd quirk of mine, which is that i actually NEED physical connection, conversation, or contact with people in order to feel sane. i feel this need about once a day, and its the most maddening thing i think ive ever felt. i hate how people online are so proud of their introvertedness, acting like i had social interaction so easy, but its never felt like that. i feel like i hate the annoying things about people. i hate when people say things that are annoying, or hang on to a joke for too long. i hate when people cant take a hint, or bother me. there are so many times that ive wanted to say no to hanging out. but deep down, i know that i would freak out and scream into my pillow or cry that night if i said no.

needless to say, the covid lockdown was not a fun time in my life. i actually genuinely think i have trauma from it.

after graduation, nobody from high school, apart from that one person in the grade below me, has reached out to me once. nobody has asked if i wanted to hang out, how i was feeling, fucking anything. i get it. those relationships were fake to them. but to me? i thought we really were friends. i thought that anything meant something. and the idea that i have to move on, and, by the time we see each other again, we will probably both be entirely different people, is maddening to me.

at least, when i was sexually harassed last year, i had people who asked if i was okay. ive never wanted to walk off of the face of the earth more than now, and nobody fucking cares. anybody i want to talk to, is too busy with their own fucking problems.

ive looked on the internet for help about this all before. im meant to join a frat, go to a party, or join clubs. thing is, i go to a depressing community college with no fucking social life that i know of. i show up, take my classes, go home. theres no fucking room for social interaction anywhere.

despite it all, ive made friends, or at least the beginnings of them. i know a few people, at least a little bit. but i feel like, if i ask them if i can rant to them, or hang out, i think i would need to get to know them a bit better. if i weird them out, and they stop wanting to talk to me, i might lose the only lifeline i have. i need someone's shoulder to cry on, right now. and at this point, im starting to think i might have developed depression or anxiety disorder now or sometime in the past.

i dont really care if i die, but i dont really care either way. i dont like pain though, so i dont cut. but im apathetic towards it all and dont really see the point when ive lost my chance to live the life i want. regardless, im still alive, despite being ridiculously sad, depressed, and angry all of the time, and have been for months.

tldr, ive got no friends and i want to collapse