I started therapy and have been going every other day or so because my schedule and financial situation permit it. My therapists are amazing and kind and smart, but I always come out of my appointments with them wondering what the fuck I'm going to do for the rest of my life. 

We talk about my unhealthy feelings, ways to recognize that they're unnecessarily intense, and ways to counteract that and respond appropriately. I'm trying so hard but it's just taking so much out of me to behave better. I feel empty and miserable when I can't scream and yell or make passive aggressive jabs at people who love me. I hate reminding myself how loved I am when I feel like the world is against me and would so much rather be crying. Being good doesn't feel good. It feels empty and unsatisfying, like living in black and white after experiencing full color for twenty years. 

At the same time, I hate how much my behavior is controlling my life. I hate feeling powerless and empty and abandoned when my boyfriend chooses to spend time with someone other than me, and I  hate that I want to be mean to him and make him feel guilty until I get my way, and I hate how it feels to smile and try to feel happy that he's having a fun time. 

I've never thought so seriously about killing myself. I'm not panicking or screaming and crying and convinced that death is the only option. I'm just sad and disappointed that this one life I have seems to have turned out to be a wreck, and I'm so sorry that I'm such a burden on all of my loved ones, and I'm not convinced that there's any sort of future for me in which I can lead a happy and productive life. 