Ever since I was little, before I was born, my parents have been saving up for me to attend college. I was taught by people around me while growing up that you go to high school and get good grades, go to college, and get a good job and that's how you become successful in America. I was reading yesterday called, "BPD for Dummies" to help better understand my BPD and I came across something called "problematic childhood schemas" and it's when some ( if not all, i don't know how this bpd thing applies to everyone) of us hold onto the schemas we learned in childhood and adolescence. We take those ways of life seriously because that's all we learned and they are considered more predictable to us This is the story of my "problematic childhood schema" and after I'll give you guys a little end tip to life. 



BPD can cause dissociation, which is influenced by stress, my psychiatrist informed me. I've had two dissociation moments in my life. 18 was my first dissociation moment due to stress building of going to college and not knowing if that's what I wanted. I looked in the mirror and had the weirdest moment I ever. I didn't know who I was at all. I didn't understand it all didn't know what life was. I finally snapped back into it after a half hour. Long story short, my stress built up a lot when I went off to college, started minor dissoctiant, started having anxiety attacks, and had to go back home to get my my mind together. 


While I'm home,  I went to community college and started recording music at a professional studio that my friends invited me to because they thought I could write,  rap and make songs. I made my first project and released it to the public. This is after high school so everyone is extremely confused as to why this random, shy, quiet dude from high school is releasing music on this level. It confused me as well. People told me I was good, I made a music video my friends and parents set up for me, released that and it also got attention, and got an offer from Atlantic Records. All of these things would most likely make a person without BPD try taking up music as a career based off the amount of attention that they got, but me? I held onto that childhood schema. I didn't care how much attention I got from music, it still wouldn't make life as predictable as school would. I would slowly come to find out that the schema I was holding I was onto was only going to hurt me, mentally and physically. After I was done, I decided to take my ass back to a university in hopes of maybe upgrading my quality of life instead of graduating from a community college. My parents have been saving up for college since I was born so why not? Bad decision. 




How holding onto a childhood schema and being in the wrong environment affected me mentally/physically

Mentally: dissociating a lot more often, much more anxiety and feeling a lot more empty than usual without music constantly being in my life (I would say depression but that's not the right word), I started getting pseuorsis, which can show up due to a mentally ill person's stress, anxiety attacks once again. This specifically came up in this past August when I realized that I can't do music like I was before and I would have to go back into the environment where I'm acting ALL THE TIME.

Physical: Rashes on my head scalp due to the Pseuorsis, derealization, just overall not feeling good. Brought me back to my situation when I was in my first year before I left. 

It feels like I've been sick for the past couple months and once I was diagnosed with BPD 2 weeks ago and answered everything for me. Every question I ever had especially after joining Reddit and communicating with those on r/BPD. After that, me and my psychiatrist agreed it's best for me to follow my own path instead of holding onto that schema. The thought of people accepting the fact that it's ok for me to leave school to try music is incredible and the fact that I've recently decided I should try using this thing, music, that kinda fills me and to experience that happiness somewhat of experiencing life makes me feel so much better. Everyone said I could be successful with music and all it took was for me to see that and that diagnosis help me see that. 

Moral of the story: If you have BPD and you feel like you're not in the right place and just doing it because there's some pressure on you or something along those lines, then take a second and think. Think about who influenced you to be in that position you're not too comfortable and think about maybe something you've been thinking for a long time to try dong but were just too scared. 


You have a passion different from what your parents or the people around you generally expected from people when you were a child at the time? You think you could turn your passion into a career? A lot of people you're close believe in you too? Then try taking that passion full on force without being too hesitant!!  I feel like a lot of us are artists, writers, musicians, so on and so on but it's hard for us to change that path we were first set on. Changing your path for YOU and not the world can make it easier. If you don't have a passion or hobby, think harder it may be right in front of you and it could just want your attention or just try finding something you innately feel like you would be good at!! I'm honestly scared of leaving college ONCE AGAIN and taking music as serious I did school but life is about finding things out and getting the best you can out of it. Some of you may be not in the best shape right now, but I feel like this will help and I hope to God it does. 