Today is my first day of work at this new job that I really want to keep, but I feel like I may not be smart enough to. I’m feeling really scared. I start in an hour and I’ll be leaving in about twenty minutes, maybe earlier. I feel like I’m going to start crying. 

I need to do my best to keep a job. Any job I can be smart enough to keep would be helpful. I’m in a lot of debt (credit cards and a credit line) and I really need to get out of this marriage because it’s unhealthy for both he and I (infidelity and disloyalty on his end, then after the second time I found out about his lies and how he never stopped lying to me about some really shady things, I started an emotional affair, and did other online stuff, but never had online sex with anyone or IRL sex with anyone other than him.  Basically I do not trust him whatsoever but I am completely emotionally and financially reliant on him — textbook codependency). 

I know that’s a lot of pressure to put on myself. But I’m in so much debt I need to at least try to make this work. If I end up being too stupid for this job too, then that’s the way it goes, but I need to try. I’m so afraid. I wish I was like one of those kids back in high school that liked working and started having jobs at a young age so I’d feel less terrified right now. I can probably count the number of jobs I’ve had on one hand. And not because I’m rich. I’ve just mooched off of people my whole life. 

I know that it’s my first day and I’m new, and my bosses don’t expect me to be perfect and remember everything from the training. That’s a relief to me when I remember that. I just don’t understand basic things yet. I know that can be solved by asking small questions that maybe won’t bother anyone but I don’t want to be who I was last year, always asking questions to the point where people get mad at me. T even if that happens and I have to leave, I’ll just have to find another job. Sometimes it takes going through a lot of not so good jobs to find one that’s a good-enough fit. And that’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. 

Would you believe me if I told you I’d be a lot more stressed if I didn’t smoke weed before sleeping? When I was working my last job, I wouldn’t smoke weed before sleeping, and before every shift I’d get so nervous that I’d spend the last half hour (probably more) on the toilet. Physically ill from anxiety. And I’d still go and make it on time despite annoying everyone. Today, yes I’m crying, but I’m not physically ill and confined to the 🚽 haha. 

I read that if people tell themselves they’re smart, that actually makes them perform better at whatever they do. So I’m going to tell myself I’m smart before I get to work.  