First off: What in the HELL am I doing? I CAN'T STAND this god damn happy music playing on the radio when all I can think of is regret and-- fuck it, I'm turning this shit off, I can't think with it playing.
It's a shame, I like that song. Turns out silence is just as deafening to my thoughts. I created this account to talk to someone-- ANYONE-- because nothing is meeting me halfway. I'm probably not going to post this either. I'm wasting typing space. 


I wish I knew what was going on. Something I have to say. But I'm so embarrassed, I guess, that I can't even get it out over an anonymous online account. Recently my emotions have been spiraling up and down and up and down, down, down. The reasonable voice is my head whispers "stop" while the moment paralyzes the reason. A few weeks ago, I got myself dropped from my Psychology class for the extreme rage I directed towards my teacher and a few of the students in the class (my teacher noted that I was "disturbed"). The same day and following, I had to take 5+ trips to the counselors in moments of blind hysteria because they had taken it upon themselves to not only fuck up my daily "routine" (unrelated) but to tell me who I was and who I needed to be; how I needed to conform to their standardized views of the ideal student because they "didn't know how to deal with" someone so "complex". My irritability, anger, and overall inability to tolerate the assholes in my life have most recently escalated since then. 

But of course there are the breaks! Oh, don't we need those breaks; to fuel further regret and embarassment in those moments of lonely self-devaluation! The hyperactive, upbeat breaks that practically make the air shake upon your every word! I'll do this in social situations some days because of the accompanied sense of power, of superiority. You know what I did yesterday? Well I was having one of these breaks, and so I ended up giving away a lot of my cherished personal belongings... Stuff of mine that is either very expensive, very sentimental, or both. Just tossed into the wind in a "You know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to give you this!" kind of fashion. I'm looking on that now in absolute horror. I gave away shit worth hundreds of dollars, and mind you I don't get too much money. I don't have the heart to take it back; though I do hope I get something in return, at the very least friendship, maybe.

I am alone. I am still obsessed with the thoughts of my one and only ex who filled my life with meaning and joy for so long. We've been separated for 3 months without contact (well, I tried contact a lot... he's threatening a restraining order against me). Though the relationship was unhealthy and bad (we broke up no less than 9 times, only one being serious in which I threatened suicide-- and roughly attempted to follow through-- if he left me), it was the best thing to happen to me and I would do anything for it back. I'm wrong to be this attached. We were long distance. I'm making plans I shouldn't make-- a roadtrip to his house, an address of which I shouldn't have. I already pulled my basic low-level stalker moves and found his house and a picture of it. I don't know what I plan to do should I cross the country and land on his front step. I shouldn't be talking about this.

My days are exhausted. And I am BORED. I AM SO BORED. The daytime more often than not accompanies a range of my emotional ability-- from the hyper craze, to the irritable internal fuse, to the brilliant social expert (everyone's go-to person-- I act as a therapist of sorts, and have an excellent ability for empathy)... The conclusion to a day and my candle has burned out. I am so empty and alone. I sit for hours doing nothing but unaware staring; I think so many thoughts and feel so many things that it as if I think and feel nothing. How all the colors come together to make black, that is how I describe myself. The stabbing pain in the chest brings my feelings to a more real state, and I can think a bit more clearly as the thoughts separate themselves. I don't want this-- the suicidal tendencies surface. I'll think on it and smile and cry and drink myself to sleep. Process repeats the next day. I need something to change this up, I don't know what. I get bored quickly.

I am so so sorry I brought this upon you. My intention was not to spread the contagion of my mind, I needed to get this out when no one wanted to listen. I say "think" and "thought" a lot; the internal truly is a mind-cage, and it's a wonder we don't all drive ourselves into the pit of insanity with this incessant train. I feel as though this is not real.

Have a beautiful day, don't let me shit on it. 