Before I get down into the nitty-gritty of what I've been experiencing, I'll first note by saying I have only JUST started experiencing severe anxiety and panic symptoms and will be consulting with professionals such as my PCP and a Psychiatrist over the next two weeks. With that said, let's begin. I'll post a TLDR below in case you'd rather not read through the entire post.

During 2020-2021, I have been trying to find a dog/puppy to adopt and bring into my life. Originally, I was looking at adult dogs but after having a foster who destroyed my apartment, I decided on a puppy to train them from scratch. I also originally wanted the dog for the companionship that can't be filled with the companionship or socialization of a human being. My doctors and family/friends have also suggested it for the benefit of my life and mental health. I already have a cat that's amazing and is great with dogs, and I grew up with dogs so I can't imagine a life without one.

My last companion passed away in 2017 and he was an amazing companion. I needed a lot of time to heal as his passing was very sudden, and in 2018 (pretty much a year after my dog passed away) I was diagnosed with cancer. I then spent the next year and a half receiving treatment so I knew that was not a good time to get a new dog. I was announced in remission when Covid first hit. During this time, I was also moving to teach at a new school, and that's when I got my cat since I knew I didn't want to get a puppy during the school year (I was not working from home).

Summer started over a month ago, and I knew that was when I wanted a puppy so I started looking. I was already prepared financially and all the supplies a new puppy needs. But when I met amazing dogs, I immediately and suddenly fell into extreme anxiety and panic attacks. There was no warning to it starting so I had to step away from amazing animals because of these attacks.

After speaking to my doctors and family, I found out anxiety disorders run in my family. For whatever reason, I just hadn't experienced them until now. I never experienced them when I became a teacher or when I am stressed in classes, never experienced it when I moved cross-country for work for two years, never experienced it when I was in eight classes and working 60 hours a week in college. I was even just offered to take over the Animation/Film department with my school, which I accepted, and will also be attending Graduate level courses next year. Those events were like a piece of cake to me. When I got my first companion, I NEVER experienced the attacks, which is why this is so confusing and hard. My doctors even suggested writing me prescriptions for an ESD and them giving me contacts to then train my ESD to become a Service Dog to help with medication symptoms, diabetic alerts, and psychological help, which I liked the idea of.

On top of the cancer, I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD, Chronic Depression, General Anxiety Disorder, and OCD. I also am going to be on watch with my cancer for the rest of my life, always on medication, and also have Raynaud's (blood circulation issues, making it hard for me to be outside in the cold). Diabetes, Lupus, and some other big medical conditions run in my family, which is why I thought it was a great idea to also have my future pup trained as service animal in any of the above. Apart from the listed diagnoses, I'm extremely healthy and fit.

Some people have asked why my cat isn't an ESA, and you might be wondering that too since I said I also have a cat. Well, I love my cat and she is amazing, but she is my house companion. As much as she's amazing, the definition of an ESA to me does not fit her. I also adopted her before I realized, through my doctors, I may have a need for an ESA. She also does not do well with travel or going other places, so I do not want to be the selfish one and try to change what makes her comfortable. Puppies/dogs tend to be a lot more adaptable, especially when they're young and trained to certain tasks.

Overall, I do not know what the mental block is that's stopping me from making the jump into getting the puppy. I know it's not my cat as she LOVES other animals and is a love bug to any of my friends' or family's dogs that visit my home. I know it's not my finances as I'm very comfortable and extremely prepared for emergencies or likewise. I do not know if it's the fear of failure or the unknown. I don't know if it's the worry I will regret my decision. Have any of you felt something similar and how did you overcome it? I really think my life will be better with a dog, but I can't seem to break free from this block.

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TLDR; I am experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks over adopting a dog/puppy even though I desperately want and need an animal companion in my life (I have a cat already but I also want a dog). My doctors and family have all agreed I need one to improve my health and life, but I can't get over the severe emotional rollercoasters I have every time I go to an adoption event with amazing puppies that fit everything I am looking for. I do not experience this anxiety and panic in any other important, life-changing event, only when I try to adopt a dog/puppy. Medication and therapy doesn't help in this regard. How do I push myself to overcome this debilitating obstacle?