CW: Eating disorder, depression, BPD episode.

Hello all. My life has been full of trauma, abuse, neglect and mental illness. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to advance much. Sure I’m doing college now and working but my depression is so bad that it doesn’t mean anything to me at the moment. My mental illnesses in general have not let up. I’ve tried therapy, medication and none of it is good enough. I’ve also been trying to recover from my eating disorder and all three times I’ve been doing consistent treatment have been almost for nothing. All I did was weight restore and hate myself for it. I see this eating disorder being a part of the rest of my life as well as my other mental illnesses. Mental illness has been a part of my life since I was 13, and I'm 21 now and it keeps getting worse. I don’t really see a good future for myself due to these reasons. I can’t handle these highs and lows. I can’t handle my instability. I can’t handle my eating disorder. I can't handle thinking finally I'm getting somewhere and then it all crashing down. I feel unlovable and worthless. I can't even hold a relationship for more than 3 months. I can’t handle life in general. All I can think about is taking my own life. I keep feeling like I won't have to suffer anymore. I need help but I can't seem to get the right help. I just want to die and I don't want to want that.