I'm not sure what to do anymore, I've got a team of psychologists working through CBT, ACT, and DBT with me, I am currently in a prevention and recovery home surrounded by counselors. A beautiful and intelligent girlfriend that has stuck with me through all my crisis' over the years and kept me going. 

I've tried getting back into my hobbies and working, trying to go back to uni now... I just don't see the point though, constantly having people tell me that I'm worth it and they see so much in me hurts me because I can never fill that void inside of myself. Any glimmer of hope or positive sense is stripped away by the smallest shard of darkness, or perceived darkness that either consciously or subconsciously spirals into a tormenting, self-loathing creature from the mists. 

I understand that we will never have a proper sense of self and accept that, but why do we as humans continue to fight even when we can rationalize that all we do is bring pain, either to others or ourselves? I stare at the cuts healing on my arm everyday wishing I had gone deeper, wishing no one found me in that bathroom at work, wishing everyone would leave me so I wouldn't feel the pain of taking my life away from them. Even with an eternal sleep as a beautiful option, there's so much pain to those around me, that I can sense a domino effect occurring after I pass. 

Wtf do I wake up for? I feel like I'm living a life of pure guilt for the actions and behaviours of my psyche. I feel as if I continue to go on for others and what they believe, wtf do I even believe in anymore?

I know you can't answer these for me, and only I can find that true answer, but fuck that, I want to be weak. I am weak.