Hello,

I have been out of therapy since January 2019. I have slowly started getting bad again, picked up marijuana usage but then had to stop (due to medical issues) - Anyway, So I am currently getting bad again. I am in a relationship now and he has no idea I have BPD. I keep thinking he hates me when im left on read, or he is judging me, or my brain likes to twist things. I hate this because i know it's toxic of me to think this way and i just want a normal relationship but my brain and i are at constant battle with this. He seems happy with me and im happy with him but i want more control over my thinking. How can i be in a relationship if my BPD is bad? - I keep thinking to myself "I won't message him and let him message me" but idk if thats normal or my BPD. This is toxic as hell and i hate it.