I broke up with my boyfriend a day ago. We were together for a month but have been talking for about three months before that. He was patient with me and tried to understand me but I switched on him on the day of our breakup. We were at the zoo and he dropped his ear bud in the water. He was so upset because he didn’t have the money to get new ones. I feel incredibly bad for him and I consulted him. We took time away from people and hugged until he felt good enough to stand back up and face people. But he was still upset and I could tell. I got triggered by the way he was being distant even thought he was RIGHT to be upset because I would be too. But I still got triggered because he was quiet and not talking. I thought he was upset at me because he was upset and in my brain I got so angry at myself because I felt like I didn’t do enough to consult him. I wanted to go home or at least get away from people so we started walking to the exit but someone thought my bf dropped papers and said “you dropped those” and my bf replied “I didn’t. Die” and I was like okay let’s just keep walking, but the man replied with “alright but it just looked like it fell from your pocket” and my bf threatened to hurt him and it triggered the absolute shit out of me. More than I already was. I kept thinking about how men will always take their anger out on people and how I will never escape anger and hostility. Him yelling at someone else triggered me so badly. Which I feel stupid for because these triggers lead ME to be hostile and angry.

That moment at the zoo made me feel so horrible. I realized I’m not good at relationships. I’m not good at dealing with how I behave when I get triggered. I thought that if I’m not good at coping I was going to be abandoned. So what’s the point of staying if I’m just going to be left? So I broke up with my bf. He understood that I wasn’t okay and that I needed to work on myself. It’s the healthiest breakup I have ever had. But I feel so much guilt. I feel like such a horrible person. I feel lonely and stupid. I’m starting dbt in about a month which is the only think keeping me sane right now.