My aunt (ca.30 years old) has probaply BPD (we didn't talk about illnesses, her husband just told us she has "problems", the BPD is my diagnois (yes I shouldn't label people, but I wanted to understand her so i looked up some symptoms like dependency and the need of validation). Since she became mother of my cousin two years ago, she constantly needs validation and my family can't stand her reaction to criticism. She was inpatient after giving brith (postpartum depression), but had an eating disorder and once spend time in inpatient care as a teen while her parents divorced.

Every time we meet as a family and want to have diner at a good local restaurant, it tends to escalate. My Grandmother sees her as a "week woman, that doesn't know how to be a good mother", and that her son shouldn't have married her. My Grandfather is always obsessed with my two year old cousin, plays with her and talks in an annoying voice to the child (I understand why he is so excited, since he is close to death, and likes to spend the time he has with his loved ones. Thats the reason why we meet for diner).

Her Husband, my uncle, is very understanding and caring, but he constantly validates her and corrects her. He is most likely her FP, and as such very important to her. Since he is conically ill, she is worried that he will die before her (and she has good reasons to believe that, since out of the 3 children with that illness 2 are already dead).

My mother has some understanding for her actions, but alway stresses out that "she has gone through worse shit" (my dad died from the same illnesses mentioned above). She also makes comments behind her back like "look at her eyes, that's the medication". If she says such things to me, I always tend to ask her if she wanted to be talked about behind her back like that. 

I try to see the person and not the illness, when thinking about my aunt. I try to defend her and her actions, try to explain why she seeks validation, but I don't have any support from others in my family. Even her husband said once to me taht "he would be better of without her...AND HIS CHILD". 

I also get very annoyed when she commands her child. The two! year old girl should eat with fork and spoon, should only eat some healthy food, every ml of liquid is measured, the child is over controlled and measured. Every time she tries to command her child I get very angry, since I don't like that kind of parenting and know the possible future effects from it. Usually if some thing like this happens I try to understand why she wants to controll, but sometimes I get so angry that I just want to change the topic, or defend the child and its actions ("It's a two year old, it's OK if she makes a mess").

I see the future effects of such "protective" parenting, I know the possible outcomes. Plus I have to live with the fact that I didn't do anything, knowing the harm being done to the child. 

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So this holiday season, it's the season it will escalate again. And I'm not really looking forward to having diner with them, but I will be there trying to prevent further harm and escalation.

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I would like to hear form you BPD-folk if my reaction is appropriate and what in that situation would you want to change if it was you instead of my aunt. I would like to do better than last year, so please give me feedback.

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(Sorry for the bad english, since it is not my first language)