Ok so let me start by saying that I am not diagnosed with BPD. I was diagnosed a year ago with depression and anxiety. 

I dont know how I ended up here, cant see where I ended up with theses illness. I feel like they were there for a long time. (5+ years before I asked for help) 

I got no memories of my childhood or even the years I was in high school, but I feel like something happened. Something that caused me traumas that still follow me to this day.


I remember thinking I was dead when I was young(maybe around like 7-8 years old) I thought I was dead and everything was a dream. I even sometimes asked my sister if everything was real or not. If it was a dream or if I was alive. 
Now I know that this was not normal. But at a young age, I was certain I was dead and seeing my life as a dream.

Now theres a big gap I dont remember. I only remember bad things like when my mom didnt talk to me for weeks, but I dont even remember why. 

At around 14, my mom had a psychotic depression. My sister and I were ‘’young’’ so it was difficult to discern that all of her fears were not real. That there was no cameras in our house etc. We were sent at our grandparents house for about 6 months. That’s what I remember. I remember the fear I felt when my mom told us they wanted to take us from our mom, I remember living with my grandparents and thats all.

After this its all just little flashbacks I have from my childhood, teenage years, etc.

My mom got depression since I was young. I dont know my father and I always felt like I was the black sheep of the family. 

I feel like I’m missing pieces of the puzzle that is my life. I understand I have traumas from my childhood. I know that my mother hasnt been always good for me, but I’m missing something or theres something I dont understand. These traumas follow me and, to this day, I still feel like the world isnt real. I have huge abandonment issues, self destructive behaviors, etc. But I dont know why they are there, I cant remember what caused this.

I just wish I could understand.