Life has been...rough.

I have been struggling with my mental and emotional health for years. My physical health has been getting worse, and there's only so much I can do to with the limited funds I have. This isn't me begging for help, I just want to get the weight off my chest and vent..

For months I've been struggling with disability paper work; dealing with a lawyer and a case worker. Who are both wonderful and lovely people, but I have to keep my stress level low due to seizures. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water, but it feels never ending.

I have spent weeks calling around for a doctor that can take me, but as I don't have insurance I don't seem to matter to them. Or anyone..

The places I can go to are too far away; I don't/can't drive due to physical and mental issues. And a lyft/uber would be far too much. So I'm having to navigate all of this, while struggling to maintain a calm.

But it's difficult. I feel overwhelmed and like nothing I've done has made any real progress.

I've been without my Bipolar meds for a few months, and without access to a doctor I can't get them. Thus the scrambling to find a doctor/primary care in my area that will take me.

On top of the already overwhelming sundae, due to me being unable to work I have taken on running a house that is falling apart at the seams. The kitchen sink backs up when you do laundry, I'm constantly doing dishes and cleaning things. It's daily. Literally... Which would normally be fine, as I enjoy mundane chores; but not to this level. Since I've moved - it's increased and has become alarming. One meal should not cause that much chaos to cook.

Even more upsetting, since I have filed for disability, it means I cannot look for work AT ALL or they will deny my claim. So I'm left baby sitting a small puppy and saving up the earnings I get from that. ( Low energy dog that sleeps a lot of the time, other times it just sits on my lap watching me. No real strain.)

But all of this compounded today; as I spent all day cold calling places to see if they would take me - explaining that I have no insurance and need help. But they denied me. Multiple places denied me.

I'm tired. I just want to figure out what has been plaguing me for years, so maybe I can get a handle on it. I don't want to mask the issue, I want to find ways to cope that actually help.

The absolute low blow of it all, was learning that my Father is sick. ( I won't go into it out of respect to him.) But it's not good. I feel like the Universe just gut punched me and I feel so helpless. I'm tired...and I want to hug my Dad and tell him everything is going to be alright. But he's in another state...

I'm tired.