I keep telling myself that I just need to get over it. I can’t imagine being alive and not being with him right now. I can’t leave him, so what am I supposed to do? I know that he loves me, but I think he loves his other partner more. I’m so in love with him that I couldn’t have IMAGINED telling him that I wouldn’t be with him. I said it was okay that he had more than one partner, and I thought it’d be, but it’s not. I don’t know why I said that. I probably still would, because I absolutely can not leave him. I’ll be crushed. 

Every time they post about each other, I lose my mind. It’s been ripping me apart for days and I’m trying so hard to avoid comforting myself with an even more toxic mindset (ex. If I wait it out, maybe they’ll break up and we’ll be happy together, something like that.) Every time he’s online and not responding, I lose it because I know he’s spending time with his other partner. It’s been all about his other partner. I’ve tried befriending them, even, but it did nothing. It made me feel even worse. 

They have more of a “fun” relationship than an emotional one, and it really upsets me that he seems to value that more than all of my emotional contributions to him. I would do anything for him. I just want to be valued, and I guess the way I’ve taught myself to see his other partner is someone just preventing that from happening. 

I just want him to be happy. If I leave him I’ll have to go inpatient, I don’t have any more emotional capacity left to deal with this. Am I abusive or something for just wanting them to break up? I don’t want to think this way. I want to be happy with him, but I know that if it continues like this I’ll just be torturing myself. He doesn’t have BPD, so I don’t think he’d understand either. I’m lost. 

This is just a vent, but advice would be appreciated too. This also is not my main account. I’m scared that he will see it.