If my thoughts are really disorganized, I apologize.

I don't even really know where to start. My mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. Today, in the car, I opened a packet of chips, and I was trying to keep the wrapper quiet as not to disturb her. She snaps and says, "Stop DOING that!" I immediately go on the defensive and get very upset, and she adds "You are such a loud person and you don't even know it!" The whole hour car ride was just us yelling at each other.



We were in the car because we were driving to pick up a chair I found on eBay. We get there, pay, and leave. When we get home, the chair is way too low to the ground for me (uncomfortable) and is a lot dirtier/worn than I thought it would be AND it smelled very musty... At the time, I was too afraid to say I didn't want it, so we loaded it into the car. I was afraid because the seller was a no-show the day before and forgot, and agreed to meet us the next day, so I got caught in a weird position. It cost us a lot of money in gas, and the cost of the chair, totaling to about $75. When I told my mom the truth about not liking it, she had an absolute outburst and started calling me insane. I found a friend who needed a chair and offered to buy it, but then my mom informed me that she had taken it to the dump already. Every time I talk about the chair, she blows up again. Now, I still need a chair, but I don't have the funds for it. My parents are currently in different states (Arizona and Delaware) because of their jobs, so funds are really tight and things are really tense around my house and with my mom.



I feel like I'm a horrible person and that sometimes I say terrible things to my mom, things that just come up like, as said in Mean Girls, word vomit. I have obsessive thoughts. I HATE not being able to finish arguments and prove points. If I feel like an argument has ended where my mom sees me in a bad light or thinks I am wrong, I will continue to argue to try to put myself in a better light, which is always counterproductive and instead makes me look even WORSE. My mom said today that every time I complain, about anything, that it damages our relationship.



I realize how lucky I have been that my parents want the best for me and don't mind spending the extra money on nicer things for me, and now suddenly adjusting to a HUGE money loss (with moving to Arizona) is really, really hard for me to wrap my mind around. I try to remind myself that it is NOT all about me and that at least I am a child and do not have to deal with the financial side of this situation, but maybe I am just a narcissist like my mother says I am. I really hope that isn't true, though. I don't know what to do. I am starting college this fall, so there are TONS of extra expenses there. There are still some clothes and things (and a chair....) that I need, but I am way, way too afraid to even mention it to my mother. My checking account is almost at its minimum balance, and I have a feeling she isn't going to put any more money in there. Again, I realize that I have been privileged, and this is going to sound insane, but every time I have want to get a job, my mom tells me to just "not worry about it and focus on school." EVERY time I act out or do anything that makes her even slightly upset, she calls my father in another state and brings him into it, and then I get to be told off by him as well. I do think I have a spending problem. Everything has to be "just so" for me, and as much as I've worked on being less obsessive, the issue still lives.




And I know that tomorrow, I won't have anyone to spend the 4th of July with. One of my mom's students has been living with us for over a year and freeloading off of us and trying to basically take over. I found one of her journals once and, even though I would never ordinarily do this, read it, and it was full of her judging me and saying how great my life is and how shitty I am basically. Her and my mom would talk about me behind my back.



I hope that someone will read this and maybe have SOME words for me that will help. I'm sorry that it's so disorganized. I just feel so empty inside; it's this uncomfortable, foreign feeling, like I don't belong somehow.