Bit of a ramble...

**General rant:** 

Read message boards of pBPD/FB and it sets me off into a sobbing session, I don't know why I did that to myself. It hurts to see all that they say about us that you should escape and just have no contact. Does anyone else feel like the no contact from our loved ones/fp only damages us more? Especially, if we've asked for them to compromise and provide clarity/general communication with what to expect?

It's like as soon as my partner knew I was mentally ill it's been made clear we'll never see eye to eye again and everything I say is discounted and invalidated and then I'm blamed. I fuck up still but I try to recognize and own up to it and mitigate immediately but when he's done something wrong there's always reasoning from him as to why it's my fault. I'm so confused.

It almost seems like we're being manipulated by them because we are mentally ill. They know what sets us off and know that we feel extreme emotional pain that's often really hard to manage. Sometimes I feel the pBPD are just bpd.

**Fight with FP:**   
A week ago I got into a fight with my partner because I texted him saying I'd be going back to my place after having stayed there for several days. He came back slamming doors and being angry when I was just asking him questions about his night and so on and so on it escalated and was a huge blow out.

Apparently, I'm to blame and I'm the abusive one even when he comes home slamming doors, "I'll do what I want in my house" after he just made the point that he was having me live there, like we lived there together and preparing for the future. "You behave only how I let you behave" was another line. You started this, you shouldn't have said that in the first place. etc, etc. Now they're doing the no contact with me and I've been the one reaching out to try and fix it all. I'm asking him to make an effort and he refuses. He's given enough already as if a relationship doesn't constantly require giving enough each day to sustain a relationship.

My partner, of a year and half, got into a fight last week and has since ghosted me in the pandemic. I don't have any family or friends because of my extreme depression due to my ex harassing me online, which is also still happening during the pandemic. I just have my dog and I have my two roommates and my coworkers who I somewhat interact with but I feel like I'm dying over here.

This was the last relationship I had left in me, I've been in so much stress from this week from the no contact that I can feel it the physical pain and mental anguish fucking me up. I can't explain it's just an awful sensation. I've tried to explain this but it goes absolutely unheard. I don't know what to do anymore but cut them off for good.