My city is getting a lot of new cases and there’s a mini lockdown(no social gatherings at all). Last Friday the numbers were super high, so when my boyfriend came home he said it’s probably the best if he didn’t go to the office to work. He’s a software developer but he’s still new and needs to learn from his team. 

He worked from home from April to august, it was hard for me when he went back to the office in September, but I was fine cause I knew he needed socialization. So on Friday when he told me he would probably work from home this week, I got really excited. I’m a student so I’m literally home all day, and I don’t talk to anyone expect for my mom and my doctor. I had been feeling lonely so I was really happy to have my bf next to me again. What he said was he would go to the office on Monday and bring home the work laptop at the end of the day and work from home for the rest of the week. I was so excited and I bought lots of groceries so that I can cook food for him. 

Monday night he said he couldn’t work from home, because it would stress him out since it’s very difficult to communicate with his team. His team does respond on discord but it usually takes them a long time to reply. He said he would need help from his team and if he works from home and got really upset, he would resent our home. So I thought I needed to be supportive and I said it ok because his happiness is so important to me. 

I felt lonely and abandoned all day yesterday. I couldn’t even do any school work. This Monday I spoke to my doctor and told her I’m looking forward to being productive this week because my bf will be working hard right next to me. Now I feel like a clown. 

I had a breakdown yesterday and really wanted to go away to live with my mom for a month or so, but I knew it would make him sad. I asked him to work from home today(Wednesday) so that I can know for sure that he’s here. He said no. He said he didn’t bring home his laptop. I ask we can go pick it up together. He said no again, firmly this time. We had a big argument and I said he lied to me. He then said I was gaslighting him and he was emotionally drained.

I cried myself to sleep last night and this morning when I woke up I texted him and asked him to call me at lunch. He didn’t call until 2 pm, I was waiting for this call since 11:30am. He talked to me for about a minute on the phone and he had to go. I asked him to message me lots so I don’t feel as lonely. He didn’t message me. 

Now I’m scared he’ll see that I’m feeling depressed and would work from home tomorrow, which means he’ll hate me. He really doesn’t want to work from home. I can’t do anything. I can’t go to class online and can’t do any homework. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about leaving and staying with my mom (she’s about 3 hours away). I don’t want him to think I’m manipulating him or guilt tripping him. I don’t think he loves me very much anymore because I’m just too much work for him. 

I’m so sad. I’m sad that I made him upset. I don’t want him to feel guilty. Should I just go to my moms place and stay for a while? What do I do? All I can think about is to either hit myself or pack and leave immediately. I don’t know what to do.