Today has been a really tough day and I just need somewhere to get my thoughts out and maybe hear a kind word or two. This whole year has been rough. I've realized just how much of my self I've created to survive. To get people to like me and accept me and think I'm normal. It feels like I'm unraveling. I question everything I thought I knew. Everything I thought I was. Every thought and every feeling. I question whether I really even care about people and if I do who I care about. I can't talk to any of my friends or family because they'll think I'm a complete fake and how do you say to someone "I don't even know if I care about you because I don't even know who I am or what I care about"? I've never felt more alone.

The two worst people are my best friend and a girl I like who also has BPD. I have intense feelings about my best but I have no idea what they mean. I thought I wanted a relationship at one point but when I fantasize about it now I just don't at all. I can't even imagine it. But I question both whether I've convinced myself I don't or my mind is trying to convince me I do because I have such intense emotions about her. It's the opposite with the girl I like. I can picture myself with her and that's what I want but my feelings for her very rarely break through my numbness. I question both whether I'm convincing myself I want to be with her and whether I'm shutting off my feelings because possibly getting hurt again is too scary. All the possibilities make sense, I just don't know what's true and what's intrusive thoughts.