sorry i’m on coke right now if this doesn’t make sense. (though i don’t condone any drug) 
i know i’m 20 (a baby) but i’ve been abusing alcohol for a while now, since freshman year of college. so i guess about three years. for reference, if im socially drinking, im fine, but if i want to abuse alcohol, i’ll usually have 2+ bottles of wine to myself alone in my room. i understand it’s not good to self medicate in this manor, but don’t worry, i’m good, i’m on lexapro and they want me to take abilify too now. so i’m not at all against medication, it’s just hard to not be addicted to alcohol at this point. but i’m working on it, for my family and friends.

anyway, so since being back at college after covid began, i’ve been doing coke (tonight was my third time doing it and i think the most pure dose i’ve had) and i actually feel… quite normal.

the first few times i did it, i didn’t feel much and just chalked it up to it probably being a shitty dose (diluted with something else, idk). but this time, i met with my first sugar daddy and he gave me so many lines of coke over and over again (along with many shots of tequila, which may have affected how stimulated i felt) but i swear i did at least 7 lines of coke tonight. and i just feel… kind of normal.

focused, but normal. i’ve never taken adderall or vivance before (however tf u spell that shit), so i assumed it would have a bigger affect on my given it being my first stimulant ever. (i’m more into depressants, like weed and alcohol)

but to be honest, i just feel pretty much like myself if i didn’t have BPD? i mean, obviously thats’s kind of impossible to do, like, imagine what it’s like to not be neurodiverse (since i’ve always been neurodiverse) however, i almost feel like i can relate more to the way “normal” people see the world.

like, not feeling emotions in extremes all the time, not feeling the urge to self harm as much, etc. i feel more comfortable talking to people and feel like i can actually genuinely relate to them for once.

anyway, if anyone actually read this fully through, u are a g, and we should definitely be friends if you’re in nyc (don’t worry i’m not a coke addict, just an alcoholic. half joke.)

but i was wondering if anyone had this same experience with coke or any drugs in general. or i just want to hear how your brain responds to drugs.

in terms of psychedelics, i’m extremely sensitive to sensory feelings so i don’t know if i’m ready for that journey yet, however, i definitely think when my brain’s fully developed, i’ll definitely try! tryna have a philosophical enlightenment journey over here! lol half kidding i think i would genuinely turn into a monk and move to nepal.