I have calm down now, and doesn't have the urge to kill myself anymore, but I'm just so tired.

I bought a life insurance a few years ago (pre-diagnosed) bc I was planning to off myself. I didn't go through w the plan, but still keep the insurance just in case. I got diagnosed, and went through the "recovery" path. Things looked brighter for a second, and now i feel like im at the same place as 4 years ago. I love my family, but i feel like they are better off without me, both emotionally and financially. I would also love to not have to struggle through life anymore. This is exhausting. Living is exhausting. I want to have a close relationship w my family, especially my mom, but I feel like it's not feasible anymore and we just keep fucking fighting. I don't have any other closed relationships, so I have no other attachment left for this world. There is nothing for me here. I'm ready to leave.