so a few days ago at my sister’s prom send off we had guests over to see her, just her date’s family and our’s. i was honestly expecting a bigger crowd which had me on the edge as i saw cars rolling up. at that moment i was already beginning to sweat and just wanted to get a few pictures of my sister and then go back up to my room. our other family members show up first then one of my mom’s friends. 


i began to relax a little because it was only about 4-5 of them at the time. as more people began to pull up in cars it was her date’s family then again more of our family members. so i got back to sweating and wanting to just hide out in my room until everyone left. 

i hate that i get like this EVERY time people come over it doesn’t even matter if they’re family. i think some of my fear is greeting people and starting casual conversations. i’m 22 and still can’t process how to do this it’s just pathetic at this point.


most of my greetings were plain and simple hello’s and hugs as usual. until one of my family members came next to me and tried to start small talk about my life and it was so painful. i never have the appropriate answers for basic questions and i try to avoid them at all costs. 


i’m not currently working or in school so i feel like people think the worst of me when they hear that. they kind of just don’t have a reaction and stop talking. it leaves me feeling stupid but it’s my personal choice why i’m not progressing in life. 


another family member that kind of doesn’t speak but they’re kind of friendly i guess had arrived. i awkwardly ran over and tried to greet them with a hug so i didn’t seem rude for not speaking i wish i would’ve just stayed in my seat. another cringe moment i think i’m not well at social cues and maybe not realizing not everyone is a hugger because their reaction was delayed and cringe after i reached in for a hug. 


the room got pretty quiet afterwards and i kind of just walked out and started freaking out because of the awkwardness and ruining the vibe in the room and possibly making them uncomfortable with my hug. i hate that my family probably thinks i’m insane because of how at one moment i’m open and relaxed then the next i barely say a word and i’m hiding out in the corner of the room. 


i also notice when i’m in a room with family guests while being next to my older sister i feel like i let her take the lead when speaking which makes me very comfortable and i just sit there nodding and smiling along the way. praying it won’t be turned on me to speak up about anything. 


i wish i were just normal so bad. i wish i knew all the right things to say, picked up on social cues, knew how to speak up in conversations, can interact with others while managing to stay calm in loud/crowded spaces. i want to be the charismatic cool girl that everyone gets along with and adores when i walk into a room and open my mouth. but my personality ends up being so fucking bland due to my anxiety. 


i didn’t always used to be like this and it sucks. it’s just gotten so much worse like i’ve always been a little antsy but never to this point. it’s definitely part of the reason why i’m terrified to get back to working and going to job interviews. 


the constant back and forth of these social interactions are just too much for me well at least in my head. i feel like i can’t function properly like ever and everyone around me will think i’m off and it will lead me to even more isolation and shutting myself out making me become an even more unlikeable person to many. 


there’s another family gathering this month that’s also unavoidable because it’s at our house and it’s for my sister. what kind of sibling would i be intentionally missing out on one of her events because i dread being around people. i feel like such a loser i once went to my room for thanksgiving because my anxiety got so bad where i had a panic attack and just started ugly crying for 20 minutes straight. 


how much longer can i go on in life without real human interaction and not just quick grocery store runs/placing food orders i feel like this is extremely unhealthy and i know it. i hate myself to it everyday.