Earlier this year I had the urge to cut off my (current) friends, and create two new friendships with these girls, let's call them Alex and Sarah. Of course, this was because I felt as if my (current) friends didn't give a shit about me. 

I thought that my two new friends would be accepting, and help me feel less empty, because, apparently, they both were suffering from mental health issues as well- Depression and OCD. Around this time, I was thought to also have OCD along with BPD. Because of this, I made the mistake of confiding in them. Every time I confide in a friend, I regret it. I always feel like an idiot afterward, mainly because I get the feeling that they just don't understand what I'm going through. Anyway, I poured my heart out, hoping they would help me. 

 Shortly after our friendship started, Alex and I decided that we would both sign up for the same study abroad program in Europe. BIG mistake. The application process took an immense amount of time and effort, but we both got in. Well, fast forward a few months and I absolutely hate Alex. Alex and Sarah, actually. Now I'm back with my original friends. 

Alex and Sarah are way too nice, like strangely nice. Because of this, I get an extremely judgmental vibe from them. I felt as if everything I did or said was being looked down on, and that pissed me the fuck off. Alex and Sarah are extremely fortunate- perfect family and upbringing, lots of money, etc. and because I had not been raised the same way they had- I could sense they felt as if they were better people than me. It made me feel like they had taken me in as a project.

 I had it and completely cut both of them off. Now what am I supposed to do? I really don't give a shit about either of them at the moment. I was just looking for someone to fill the empty void inside of me.

It really doesn't help that Alex is now best friends with a girl I absolutely despise. I have threatened that specific girl, let's call her Amy, many times and have said very cruel things to her. Now Alex hates me and I am NOT looking forward to spending a month with her in a foreign country. I'm at the point where I want to drop out of the program. I'm actually very close to doing it. 

I still would like to participate- but I feel like it would cause a huge amount of anxiety. It ALREADY is giving me a huge amount of anxiety and it's three months away. I am afraid, and I do not know what to do. 