So i didnt know where to turn. Sometimes i just sit and let my thoughts and bodily sensations get to me and today is one of those days. I wont bore you with a long back story, just that i have had health anxiety and general anxiety since i was 16, i am now 26, soon to be 27. 

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I had a relapse of bad health anxiety about 4 months ago, i was convinced i was dying or had pancreatic cancer. Every time i type that i feel so embarrassed. Anyway, i got bloods done including AMYLASE, all came back fine, no different to the previous year when i had bloods for stomach issues. The thoughts are just still lingering every now and then. I have bad acid reflux and i have had lansoprazole twice this year and it always returns. admittedly, when it returned second time it was when i relapsed and i wasnt eating and i was so severely anxious i was loosing alot of weight and whenever i ate, i heaved and couldnt finish or even take a bite because the health anxiety was so intense, that i know, will not have done my stomach any good or acid any good at all i also had a new back ache after not attending the gym for a couple weeks and that just fueled my pancreatic cancer fears. stress is not good for the body. 

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Even though i have calmed alot since then, i am still having very very mild stomach issues, more in the upper area, just discomfort. Some days i stay reasonable and tell myself the stress you put yourself under 4 months ago wont have done any good, you dont eat very well either, your acid can cause such feelings. But then other times i am back to thinking i am dying of something sinister like cancer of some sort. I check my stools all the time and I always convince myself what i am seeing is not a good sign, i check reddit forums where people post their stools and try to find stools similar or worse looking than mine to reassure myself and i do end up finding posts of course. But that cant be healthy though right? gives me some relief sometimes but my mind still wants to tell me i am dying. i get panicked at the site of it being a yellower or slight lighter shade of brown or if i wipe and its basically yellow marks.

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Of course the horror stories that you just cant get away from crowd any social media site at one point of how people are getting misdiagnosed by doctors or the NHS taking to long illnesses develop into something far more serious and then its too late to save them and then their days are numbered.

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Sometimes i just feel so sad about things. Like i am depressed or something, which i dont think i am, it is just the only way to describe how i feel some days instead of just "sad". But yeah, i am just so sad sometimes like i wonna cry for no reason, maybe cos i am fed up? I get sad and just think "i cant wait for the CBT therapist to get into contact with me and get fixed" like i am so desperate.