Hello! My name is Lovely, I’m seventeen and I have been just recently diagnosed with schitzophrenia. I’m having a really hard time dealing with it at the moment, so if you would spare some time, could you please tell me some advice, or if people relate to what I say?

I have very violent intrusive thoughts a lot. Gangstalking delusions. Hallucinations. All in all, the only people I really see that relate to my issues are horror movie slashers and villians. And when I talk to people about it, they look at me like I’m crazy. I just feel so alone, and i’m really scared.

I dont want to be a bad person. My thoughts scare me so much and my delusions push all the people I love away. I have a little dog named Langga and I love him very much. He’s my whole world. So when I had a delusion that he wasnt real and that there were cameras in my eyes I felt so ashamed of myself to think I can hurt someone I love so much. It wasnt just him. But I had the same thought about my family and friends too. I feel so angry with myself whenever I think things like that.

I’ve dropped out of school because of how much my hallucinations scare me, and I feel like such a fuck up. I had straight A’s and was the student council president, and I went to church and had a lot of friends, I went outside and was in all these sports and played all these instruments. I tried really hard to be good. I dont want to be bad. But no matter what I did it didnt make my parinoia go away.

I wanted to be a seamstress and I was in fashion school. But this year has just been really crummy. Everything I used to love just doesnt give me any joy anymore. It just feels like i’m floating.

I’m tired of being scared now. Just please tell me, does it all ever get better? I’ve been taking my medicine and being good but it just isnt enough, and I dont trust my doctor. 

How do you deal with it? Do you have any advice on going to school with this condition or  making friends? When you got better, did you start liking things again? How do you get over the numbness?

I’m sorry that it was so long!! or if anything i put in here wasnt suitable at all.

Thank you very much for your time! （╹◡╹）♡