For a good part of my life, I wanted to stay away from any sort of “psychological” medication, for fear of becoming a zombie or whatever I thought might happen. I didn’t want to become reliant on it either.

The past few weeks have been rough. Really rough. My girlfriend offered me an Ativan. I took it, and it was like a revelation. If I could describe the difference, it was like my brain with anxiety was a struggling PC with hard drive whirring violently. Or it had the background noise of a buzzing fluorescent bulb. After the Ativan, the bulb stopped buzzing, but the room was still bright. The rickety old hard drive was upgraded to a sleek SSD. I could think clearly without the constant dread. My appetite returned to normal. I was myself again. Lasted about three days, then the anxiety was back.

I decided to talk to my doctor, because I don’t want to hit people up for Ativan. Told her my experience, asked for a prescription, my doctor didn’t want to do it. Told me about all the risks. Says it’s not a good drug, only good for as needed. Told her I wanted “only as needed”, and I didn’t want to just take something everyday. Doctor reeled off more risks. Said if I started Ativan then tried to stop, I could have seizures and die. 

Went on about breathing apps and stuff, which I have. They can help, but they’re not always enough.Sometimes the edge is too much. “I’m trying to keep my life on the rails here, and you want me to take a walk? I need to find another job. I need to be productive. Walking around isn’t a priority right now.”

So I asked her for something. She gave me a prescription for Hydroxyzine HCL. Figured I’d give it a try. Got it filled Thursday. Didn’t need it then, nor Friday, nor Saturday. I felt really edgy today though, so I took one this morning. Ugh.

Nothing like Ativan. It maybe, maybe took some of the edge off, but not like Ativan did. It also made me groggy. Super groggy. I wanted to go home and sleep it off, but stuck it out at work. If I had a desk job, I probably would have passed out. Less groggy now, many hours later.

But yeah, this stuff made me feel kind of out of it. Dumb, sleepy, slow-witted. Ativan made me feel lucid, without all the stupid commentary from my anxiety.

I’m comparing one single dose to another, so maybe subsequent doses would yield different results. But yeah. Anyone have any experiences they are willing to share? Any advice on what I should do, or talk to my doctor about? 

Tolerance/dependency issues with Ativan? If I had an unlimited supply, I probably would have taken my second one 4-5 days after the first one. I’m in a period of extreme anxiety right now, and my realistic endgame is to only need it something like 1/wk or 3-4x a month. Not everyday, etc.