I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. My relationship with my FP was toxic.

He started out as my best friend, and then we dated. I loved him so much and trusted him more than anyone, and he broke that trust over and over again until he finally dumped me.

But I couldn’t let him go, even though I was miserable. I begged him to be my friend and kept begging for years. 

Nobody else in my life supported our relationship or our friendship, and I isolated myself from people that I loved and things that I love doing. 

I thought it would all be worth it in the end. I thought I would reach a magical place where I wouldn’t be hurt by his past betrayals, where I could feel like he was just my best friend again.

That didn’t happen. Instead, my mental health deteriorated to the point where I am now suffering from multiple disorders that I never even dreamed of having.

But he blocked me on Monday, and a few painful days later, I feel like I see the light. My old friends are contacting me to tell me they have been watching me fall apart for years, feeling like they couldn’t say anything because I wasn’t willing to hear it.

One of my friends called me for 5 hours today and told me in plain terms that my perception of myself had become so distorted through my friendship with my FP that I was flat out delusional in my self-hatred. She and my other friends had actually cried on multiple occasions about this. I had no idea.

I am sorry for what I put them through, but I finally feel loved and supported in a healthy way. I feel seen. I realize that people actually care about me, and I have wasted 5 years desperately seeking the love and attention of a man who was never going to give it to me.

The heartbreak is still there, but I actually have hope in my future. My friends and I are starting a movie discussion club (partly as a joke), and I know I can get through this. 

I thought the world would end if he stopped talking to me. Instead, it feels like my life is actually starting.