Trigger warning: mention of suicidal thoughts. 

Super long, sorry. But hopefully a worthwhile read. My thoughts on the comparison between BPD and NPD.

So I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for about a year now. I was doing some research, and the comparison between borderline and narcissistic personality disorder has been very sad to read. BPDs have even been clumped in with psychopaths. 

I know I make really bad mistakes and sometimes I SEEM like I’m being narcissistic, but that kind of behavior is actually my own really fucked up and WRONG way of defending myself and comes from a really damaged place. 

In truth, I care about people so much. When people mistreat each other, it is SO infuriating and when I mistreat someone, I get so angry at myself, it can be unbearable (as a lot of you know, we are HORRIBLE to ourselves). And frustratingly, sometimes contradictorily, the empathy is overwhelming, but my BPD can twist it in a way that makes it negative. It’s like, I’m emotionally drained because of myself all the time, so to be invested in others (and I get really invested) while also dealing with my own stuff is like plugging in another wire into an already sparking, smoking multi-outlet. So I just avoid everyone and it makes me unreliable and makes people think I don’t care.  

It’s just heartbreaking that anyone could compare me or anyone dealing with this disorder as a psychopath or a narcissist, i.e., someone who doesn’t care. 

I care a lot…I’m just suuuuuper fucked up right now. I’m working on it. I’m trying. I'm staying alive, therefore, I'm trying.

Dunno, just felt like posting that in case anyone else is reading up on our illness to try and help ourselves (a HUGE step forward for us by the way—when we find ourselves healthy enough to care about getting better and educating ourselves), and then just end up feeling shitty and giving up because even professionals just don’t seem to get it. 

PS., I realize if I’m stigmatizing NPD, I’m so sorry. Please feel free to comment and educate me on that. 

And please be nice. OMG please. I’ve been in a horrible, suicidal funk for days and falling behind in life to the point where I might get in trouble and fail out of grad school. This is just a tiny positive moment that is probably/definitely fleeting. Can’t deal with internet abuse right now, mannnn. 