as in, i struggle to do things for the enjoyment of doing things or even because i "need" to, like work. 

as in, i cant do art or music or anything unless it's good or somehow praiseworthy because all that matters is external validation and when i complain about not being good enough i get reassurances that i should be doing things because i enjoy them....but the only time i enjoy things is when i know theyll bring validation of some sort, especially when i know that something is likely to receive praise. 

i'm just chronically lonely and neglected and it's a double edged sword because whenever i do something i *think* warrants a response i'm always ignored and it sends me off the edge and idk. i dont want to feel this way anymore.