I’ve never had the ability to fully explain myself to you. Mainly because my thoughts are always so jumbled that I can never word it correctly. Also, I’ve never really needed to. You will no doubt read this within the next few days, and I’m okay with that. I expect it, and I kinda want you to know.

You’ve been there for me since we started dating, back when I was sixteen. You were there for me before then, I just never knew it. And despite hearing about what I’m like when I’m down, you’ve stuck with me. Even when I longed for death, or begged you to let me hurt myself without guilt - you never seemed to waiver. Always there, always someone to lean on.

That was 5 years ago, however, and our dynamic has changed. We’re no longer in high school, things are more serious. The time we spend together has become more often, and I’ve grown used to sleeping by your side. However, with it, comes some negatives. You see *it* more. When I have episodes, or I’m more of a handful than usual, or when I’m needy to the point of being an annoyance. I’ve always said you should run before you see the real me, yet you don’t care.

And tonight, the beginning of an episode arose. I became antsy and bored, but nothing held my interest. You seemed to catch onto the symptoms I’ve lived with for most of my life before I even knew what was happening. Then, I felt that feeling; of every emotion being in my body, experiencing multiple at the same time, yet unable to express them in any way. They stayed bottled up and multiplied until I realized I might do something I may regret to get rid of them. I asked you to hid my vices, and I ran off while you did so. I shed some tears in the bathroom, not because I was sad or upset, but because there was so much pressure inside me that I couldn’t bear. 

When I came back, you acted as if nothing had happened, and that’s exactly what *I* need. Others may be different, but my brain functions uniquely. Then you asked if I needed to be cuddled - and that’s a major point I want to stress.

*i cannot handle affection*

Normally, I love the attention you give me, I crave it. But I was raised with less of it than usual, so when I have an episode, I can’t handle it. Especially from you. 

You don’t realize how much I hate myself for these situations. One of my biggest goals in life is to make you happy. Because when you’re happy - I’m happier. So to see you fawning over me, albeit subtly, because I’m in a bad mood, it only fuels my fire. Because you can rarely help fix these episodes, they have to run their course. And I can’t do anything to fix them either, so I have to watch you get upset over an issue I caused and can’t fix. I hate myself so much for it. So I do not deserve your affection, I cannot bear your compliments and comforting words. My mind only stresses how much of a burden I’ve become. 

I know that I’m being irrational, but I can’t do anything about it, which in turn makes me even more frustrated. And since I can’t turn to you, lest I be a burden, I keep it to myself. I feel hopeless and worthless because I cannot do anything for myself. I feel these massive pangs if guilt and uselessness. And it spirals and unravels as my conscience mentally assaults me with thoughts and visuals of what should happen to such a horrible creature as I am. It’s at these times that I’m the worst. There is no helping me once I’ve hit that point. And I will do everything I can to either make the pain go away, or punish myself for being who I am. We both know what that is, and I know for a fact that the next time will be worse than the last.

There is the possibility of “crying it out,” but I absolutely hate it, it’s the worst cry you’ve ever had. It’s the pain you feel at funerals, the feeling of the worst possible news weighing down on your chest. Your eyes burn and you can’t see through the tears. Forget about explaining *why* you’re crying - since you’ll be gasping for breath and choking on your own spit. The air will burn the back of your throat and your lungs will hurt from the spasms. It’s *the* ugly cry, and it’s one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced, so I avoid it like the plague. I’d rather feel nothing at all, rather than everything at once.

Thankfully, that didn’t happen tonight. You somehow managed to drag me back to the surface before I got to deep. And I’m extremely grateful for you. It’s a rare occasion, and only you have done it so far. Lord knows I can’t help myself. So thank you for tonight, you distracted me and I actually had so much fun, especially considering how bored I was to start out with.

~

And now you’re sleeping next to me. It’s 12:30AM and you have to get up for work in five hours. You have no idea the immeasurable amount of love I feel for you. I guess I’m lucky that I feel all emotions to the extreme. Because, even though the frustration and guilt weighs me down until I break, I have these moments where I’m positively in love with you, and forever will be. You bring me so much happiness, and just laying here, watching you dream, it brings tears to my eyes, because I know I’m the one who lucked out - despite your arguments. 

Thank you *so* much,
I love you, more.
~ Me