I'm just wondering how did it even get this bad. I feel like no one could feel this burning hatred for me like I do for myself. Why? I just want to be happy. My life is meant to be right right now. What is there to be sad about. I'm just complaining to a glass brick in my hands.

So what's got me feeling like shit this time. You know, every few days I just hate my life then a lucky day gets to become a crying fest. Well now I'm gonna fall behind in college work because I have covid. It's so great. My lonely ass in college, haven't made a single friend. I signed up for work study then pussied out because I felt like it was going to be too stressful. 


At the moment I'm just sitting here fucking wailing about nonsensical shit. I wonder if anyone except for my immediate family would even care if I died. they can move on too. I can't move on from this. My life is constantly wishing I was dead. This is no way for someone to live.

I have a couple online friends  and like one irl friend they can move on too. I'm a worthless coward. Im useless, because I can't do anything I put my mind to. I'm a piece of shit to society, really, I am.

I hope I die soon. I want to kill myself and I wish I fucking could. I just want the pain to end. I can't tell my parents about how the medication isn't working. 

I cant deal with the fact that they know I want to fucking die. What they don't know is how much pain their child is going through every. Fucking. Day. But if I let them now I'd probably get sent to a mental hospital. 

 I can't open up to anyone. I feel like there is no one to truly open up to. Everything that's bothering me ends up resolving itself when I get distracted about something else. Then I realise how much I truly hate my life again. Happiness is temporary. Fuck my life. I want to die. Why do I have to deal with this. I just want to be a happy college student.