i have a long history of making suicide attempts and haven’t made a sincere one in almost 4 years but it’s only been like 9 months since i quit abusing my prescriptions on and off. anyways...  

i’m no longer actively suicidal and i have no desire to ever make another attempt, but i still experience suicidal ideation pretty much every day. so where i’m at is stuck feeling intense emotional pain and hopelessness but knowing on every level of my being that there is no exit strategy in life. like, there just isn’t for me. so i’m stuck just sitting with the intense pain. which i know is kinda the point. but it’s very frustrating and honestly hard to accept. i can’t even lightly fantasize about dying because i just know i never can and never will make another attempt.   

i tagged this DAE because i wonder if anyone else can relate to this. it’s weird how painful this fact is in and of itself. i’m not suicidal anymore but still think about it daily. what does that even mean?