I can't tell. I never go, so I'm not in a hospitalization cycle, but something in me keeps saying it wants (needs?) to go to the hospital. I can't tell if it's valid or not. The ambivalence is part of what is worrying me. I feel so ridiculous because I work in mental health and can recognize the need in someone else, but, just like with everything else, I'm blind when it's me.

I've been "making plans" a lot and I've taken up serious self-harm for the first time in years. At night things feel unbearable and I just want to go running out of the house and complete my plans. I feel like I need a barrier between me and the plans.

On the other hand, I think that a part of it is the desire to demonstrate how serious things are to other people. I know that I want an escape from life stressors (but that's also why I'm suicidal). I have one really strong protective factor (my dog). It's been worse in the past and I have not gone through with it...

I'm also terrified to go because of the bills. Has anyone ever successfully gotten a hospitalization waived by their insurance?

Any input would be appreciated.