Too lazy to even make a throwaway for this, and honestly at this point I don’t even care if anyone I know ends up seeing this.  

I’m almost 17 years old, and I started experiencing symptoms of BDP when I was about 11, or at least I think so.  I can’t even remember anymore.  This first symptom is pretty much a telltale sign of BDP—that feeling of just.. emptiness.  Obviously, my 11 year-old self had mental health last on my priority list.  I noticed at around this time, that I seemingly was unfazed by 99% of what happened around me.  I actually very clearly remember walking into my grandfathers house to discover he had cut his artery open in his leg, and was just squirting blood everywhere.  Let me tell you, arteries have a ton of blood.  My mother, who is the least squeamish of all the people I know when it comes to blood and gore, was close to passing out.  I felt NOTHING.  My grandfather ended up okay, but I was never worried even when there was a chance he could die, even right in front of my own eyes.  Compare this time a year prior, when I found my grandfather on the floor, unconscious, after having a stroke.  I was bawling my eyes out then.  Now, I felt nothing.  I was thought I was hot shit for being as emotionally  “strong”.  


Since then, I have been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder... the list goes on. 


Everything is getting worse.  Every day.  I turn to weed to escape, when my wallet allows.  

God, I intended to finish this but there’s just too much to even talk about.  I just don’t know what to do.  
