So aside from having bpd, I (21) struggle with alcoholism and substance abuse aswell. 
I‘ve been in an out of therapy this year. Did 10 weeks of DBT in a hospital and have had several stays at the crisis center. Since my first stay I‘ve decided to get clean. I go to NA meetings and once I even made it to 3,5 months. 
My recent relapse was shortly before my last hospital stay. After that I made it to almost 30 days, went to many more meetings and was coping quite ok with all kinds of triggers. Then yesterday I just started smoking weed again, I had this sudden wave of not accepting that I have to quit weed for real, felt like I was way to young to get clean and going to the NA. 
I‘m really dissapointed in myself but still I don‘t feel like working in my sobriety just yet, although I know that this is gonna end badly. I willingly give in to my addiction although I know that it‘d eventually going to fuck me up, it‘s just a question of when. I feel like I did so good again and now Im just throwing everything away without even having a real reason.
I‘m self sabotaging. 

Anyone else who has a similar  experience? I‘m just so lost and confused and feel powerless.