The past few days something happened and I'm kinda going off the rails. Nothing that I can think of set it off--it just kinda came out of nowhere. Working from home I'm getting drunk and taking hour-long naps. I'm rummaging through my ex-room mate's secret ashtray on the balcony trying to smoke her old roaches. I'm modeling how I interact with people off a character in this show I like. I feel completely disconnected from everything. Weirdly enough I haven't gone on any online shopping binges but I've been looking. I'm getting the urge to cut. I started smoking cigarettes again. I'm restricting my caloric intake to roughly 700 a day and already losing weight. I've been minimizing it when I talk to other people. My boyfriend knows I started smoking again--although it came up briefly as we were saying goodbye so I don't know how he feel about it--but when it comes to anything else I just allude to the fact that I'm "so over everything." I miss being younger when I got to do this shit all the time, miss being in college where this all made me fun, miss how it felt when I got out of the hospital and everyone babied me and I got to move back home where I didn't know anyone anymore and was completely removed from what felt like my real life. I really am just over it, over fucking everything. Just posting to "tell someone" without actually having to tell anyone.