im 20 and a first year college. Ive always been in love with the arts and I draw, take pictures, and do music production. 

 I took Multimedia Arts in college so I can explore more other artforms but Ive always wanted to take music production bcos ive been very very into music and thats one thing that makes me stand out.  But i didnt take music production because i dont want my creativity to be limited and not be insecure with the fundamentals of it ++ tuition is very expensive. 

bcos ive been so into music, I lost my adrenaline with drawing. I can still draw but I just dont have that crave of sketching anymore, it feels more like an household chore. it's one of the reasons why i took MMA cos I might just get that spark back.  I also took MMA so I can earn money and save up for music gears for my artist career. Ive always wanted to play on stage and go touring w a band or record in my solo act. MMA is literally just a Plan B bcos who knows I might not sell with music. 

I'm already getting torn with studying MMA though. That one semester is very creatively draining and exhausting. I'm starting to not like taking pictures (bcos I do film photography, I dont have a DSLR yet bcos it's expensive and unfortunately, film is also getting expensive so that leaves me burned out and broke).  

And then all of my music mutuals are releasing their albums, eps, new singles. My 3 songs in spotify are like back in 2019 and the other one is just last year. I've been trying to build just one ep and I still havent finished it. I'm getting insecure and jealous whenever I see my friends performing and doing gigs. I feel very useless and like I cant do anything. 

 I'm starting to think of training as a barista, but tuition is also expensive and I really want to do it. I might have to stop for a year in college, but in order not to disappoint my family, I must do well in my training and get a job so I can at least be financially stable. 

 But these days, I'm trying to practice latte art during 2nd semester (I havent gone to my classes completely bcos of my burn out and it's rlly getting out of hand), I keep failing my latte arts, i dont know what Im doing wrong and it's been a week of coffee and latter art researching and practice and I just couldnt get it. I just want to be prepared and have that stable hand motion when pouring milk to the coffee for latte art and I just cant. 

 Meanwhile, my non binary boyfriend in Ireland (we're 11,240km apart), is just a bit younger than me but they already have a job and is very mature already. I cant really talk to them right now with what Im feeling because it's either theyre asleep or theyre at work and that leaves me feeling lonely. I cant really sleep thru it bcos I have a very very bad sleep sched so everyone's asleep and Im just up in the middle of the night with fuzz in my head. All I got is insomnia and oversleeps.  

I am in a very very lost place right now. I don't know what to do at all, I'm having a hard time functioning day by day, I'm overwhelmed. 

I feel dumb, useless, and comparable. and im broke too ;((  I thought I had my life planned but idk what to do at all to organize. I cant seem to look forward anymore.   
   
p.s. I don't think im capable of receiving phrases like "oh im sorry. i hope you can find your path soon" something like that, bcos honestly it's very hard for me to imagine my future. I would love to read similar stories from u guys tho!! id also appreciate practical tips or mind changing ones if u guys know something!!