Gah. Summary.

* 10 years on/off therapy ages 15-18 then 22-25 (present).
* Prescribed Prozac aged 17, didn't take it.
* Prescribed Zoloft aged 24, been on it 3ish months now.
* Most recent therapy was psychodynamic psychotherapy but my pdoc dumped me and told me a woman would be taking over. Have yet to have an appointment with her. Probably be January now. 


So. I went to my GP's today for a review on how my meds are working. Should probably ask for advice here - how the fuck do you know if they're working? I'm up and down all the goddamn time but I forget about my mood changes so quickly it's difficult to keep track of how I'm feeling. For example, yesterday I was happy and productive and then I just dossed around on the internet during my workday, went home to put up Christmas decorations with my partner, tried to be excited, wanted to burst into tears and cut myself, then five minutes later I was fine. FFS. So it's hard for me to know if the Zoloft is helping. I'm up to 150mg now, and I don't want to top myself right at this very moment, but through my life I've had higher months and lower months so who the hell knows whether or not it's doing anything? I go through periods of being super-focused and on the ball at work and days like today where I spend the entire time on Reddit and do the bare minimum I can get away with.

Not so proud of myself.

Anyway, I started meds prescribed by one GP three months ago and was given an appointment to see a different one for the review today. I checked with the receptionist and she assured me that they work together and it'd be fine. I've seen a few different GPs at my practice and know it mostly depends on who's available (yayyy NHS) so I was cool with it. I walked in and sat down and the nice young lady doctor smiled at me. She asked why I was there so I explained about my meds. She asked what I was taking the meds for.

I'll just repeat that so you get the full extent of my horror.

**She asked me what I was taking the meds for.**

I explained to her that I am diagnosed with depression and that I'm being treated for BPD at a specialist clinic about 30 miles away, and that I'm awaiting a new appointment. I explained that I wasn't seeing the same pdoc there any more. 

She asked me who I was seeing about three times.

She asked me if I had had counselling before.

She asked me if I'd had CBT.

She asked me how the meds were doing.

She asked if I wanted to stay on the meds or come off them and try something different.

She asked how often I self harmed and if I still did (I told her yes and she asked me twice what I did to self harm and I had to tell her about my past overdoses).

She told me I shouldn't have children yet (not even something I'm thinking about!!).

She told me I should *talk to my partner about my negative feelings*.

She told me I should try [basic mindfulness skills I was taught in CBT; CBT being the therapy that *didn't help me* and why I was referred to the BPD clinic].

She told me that sometimes mental illnesses are just as bad as physical illnesses and that mental illnesses can be hard to accept and harder still to treat.

I sat there, reeling. I graciously accepted my prescription for more tablets, calmly explained to her that I had been in and out of therapy for ten years and that I would be seeing someone next month and no, CBT hadn't helped, and yes, I'd had counselling.

Seriously. WHAT. THE. FUCK. 

I have enough of an issue with being severely paranoid that I'm wasting NHS time and funds and there's nothing really wrong with me. I have enough of a problem with depression and admitting I have actual illness.
BPD has been a part of me for as long as I can remember and it destroys me that no one has ever taken me seriously or given me proper help when I asked for it. 

I acknowledge that I'm lucky enough at the moment. Sure, I have no family, but I have a stable enough job with a fantastic boss who totally gets it, and a loving partner who stays with me even when I split with him.

But please, please, NHS, WHY am I having to deal with someone who can't even be arsed to read the medical records on the screen before dealing with me and quizzing me on my entire mental health history?

WHY am I having to call up and pester the specialist service I'm in just to get a confirmation that they haven't forgotten I exist after three months with no contact?

WHY am I put with a horrible pdoc who is patronising and mean with no alternative and then shunned by him in favour of another woman I have yet to meet?

WHY am I diagnosed with depression and 'paranoid anxiety' (but not even told what the fuck that is) but not with BPD or bipolar or any of the other myriad of things I probably tick the checklists for but yet have it constantly *hinted* to be by "professionals" that I have BPD?

WHY is it that I can't pick and choose my doctors and I feel far too vulnerable and scared to speak up about the way I'm being treated??

Is there really just nothing wrong with me? Am I wasting all this time? Everyone's time, including my own? Driving myself crazy by imagining I am?

They talked about antipsychotics, too. 

I can't tell if I'm crazy or not any more. I don't know. I just don't know.

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TL;DR: Having a hard time of it on the NHS, not in therapy, don't know if meds are working? Doctors are constantly incompetent towards me. Frustrated.

Edit: Formatting and TL;DR.