Like idk maybe you should text first some of the time. You say you like talking to me but if I’m not the first person to text you don’t reach out at all. And then you wonder why I haven’t reached out. We would text everyday, always me starting our convos. I’m finally giving you a break from me, is that what you want? Do you think I’m always supposed to start the convo? Why are you so surprised when I wait for you to reach out? If you want to talk to me, why don’t you ever take initiative? 

When you texted me today, even to express surprise at my lack of texts, I was happy. We made conversation for a bit, but then you suddenly cut it short because you had to eat breakfast. You always say that, I’m starting to doubt that’s actually why. You just want an excuse to end the convo. As if you couldn’t wrap it up as you were eating. I realized you turned off read receipts. I pointed it out, you made a joke, didn’t give a reason, and kept them off. I brushed it off. A few hours later, after I knew you’d finished your breakfast, I texted you asking to play video games online together. It’s been 3 hours and you still haven’t responded. You’ve said that you haven’t been doing anything but being glued to your phone the entire day. I know you aren’t asleep yet. And you have read receipts off, so I don’t know if you’ve read my texts. So thanks for that.

More importantly, why am I like this? I just reread the last two paragraphs, and it’s awful. It’s not your fault, and I know that. You’re probably going about your normal life, talking with your other friends, doing other stuff to busy your day. I’m a friend to you, but I’m just that, **a** friend. You probably don’t think about me much unless I text you. And that’s fine. Or at least it should be. For some reason I can’t live with that. I know your sleep schedule, I keep track of the times you text first and the reasons you do it. I think about texting you every hour of every day. And I wish you’d do the same to me. But you don’t, and I wish I could realize that’s okay. 

You don’t know anybody this. You think I’m just a normal friend who cares about your life a normal amount. I wouldn’t dare send this to you irl, because I know you’d feel bad, and make more of an effort to text me first. But that would be out of pity, not a genuine desire for contact. I know it’s wrong to care this much and to get this worked up over my predictions of your motives. I know it’s creepy to care about your life this much. I know, and I’m sorry. 

I dunno why I referred to the reader as my friend. Just started that way and I kinda continued. This is mostly rambling, and good golly do I feel shitty with these thoughts bouncing around my head. Anyway that’s all. Have a wonderful night.