TW: sexual abuse


I was sexually abused/molested by my step brother and one of his friends when I was younger (somewhere between the ages of 8-11). My step brother is 7 years older than me. He would get into bed with me in the middle of the night whether I were asleep or awake and force me to touch him and he would do it back. This happened multiple times. There was a separate incident where one of his friends were over at our house and I just remember feeling uncomfortable around him. I went upstairs to my bedroom and his friend followed. He came in my room and pinned me down on my bedroom floor and started undressing me and I remember looking at my bedroom door and seeing my step brother standing there and watching. I dont remember anything else after that. 

I never really understood what had happened to me but I always knew that it wasn’t right. He is the only step sibling (out of 6) that I dont have a relationship with. I very vividly remember always asking my friend group for their “deepest darkest secrets” in an attempt to share what happened to me but i think we were all way too young to grasp it. I just cant help but feel like that was me trying to tell somebody. I never told any adults though.

Im 24 years old now and it wasn’t until a few years ago that I had fully “processed” what happened to me. I have very severe anxiety and I feel like I have no sense of self-identity. I don’t know if thats related or not. I havent told a single person about this besides my best friend and i had a really, really difficult time actually saying out loud what had happened to me, like i forgot how to speak.

I’ve also noticed I get startled VERY easily. For example, my boyfriend will come up behind me unannounced and scare me that way and every so often it feels triggering. Thats what actually prompted me to write this. I was in my bedroom reading a little bit ago and my boyfriend came in here very quietly and scared me and i started bawling my eyes out almost instantly and could not breathe. i’ve never had that kind of reaction to being startled like that before. it makes me wonder if its related to this situation at all? like being touched unannounced or something? loud noises almost instantly set me off into a panic but i honestly dont know why that could be.

I want therapy so I can start healing but I cannot afford it and I dont know what to do.