I am having a really roughy time moving on. My favorite person left me and they are never coming back and that is really hard to except. I loved them, and miss them so much. But I don't think they miss me, and that hurts the most. I read that a lot of people with BPD can turn off caring about you and forever see you as the enemy. I think that's what they did with me. When we were together they were always looking for a way out. I wish they just told me they wanted me to leave. I would have if I knew that's what they wanted. They wanted me to see other people and they always had one foot out the door. I can't prove anything, but they might have cheated on me too. They claim they didn't but I know if they ever had a chance to not choose me, they probably would take it. I really loved them and tried my best. But they couldn't see that I tried my best. They told me I need to to deal with my problems on my own and that I was an asshole to them. But I really tried, I thought I was being a good person. I never wanted to hurt them. I only did things I thought they wanted. I did things I hated doing so that maybe they would want me. But they only wanted to get further and further away from me. Do you think maybe I'm too broken to be a good person? I tried my best and still wasn't good enough for them. I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with them. They weren't really interested in working things out, they couldn't deal with my depression. And I couldn't deal with not being wanted. Now I am all alone and I lost my best friend. Realisticly I know no one would ever want me, but I wanted to believe that someone could. I wanted it so bad that I tried to force someone who didn't love me to love me. I just wanted someone to be able to love me for who I am, but I think I am too broken for all that. I loved them so much too. I loved the way their smile lit up their entire face, and how contagious their laugh was, and how I would never get bored talking to them. I am not angry at them, and I don't wish anything bad. I am just sad that the one person in life I wanted, didn't choose me. 

Everyday I wish they would reach out, but I know they have no interest in me anymore. And I'm trying to be a good person. I really am trying to not say the wrong thing to people, or come off as an asshole. But apparently everyone still thinks I'm an asshole. Everyone at work says I'm bossy and they don't like working with me. They talk bad behind my back and no one wants me around them. I am fine living alone, I can be happy. But I don't know why I can't fit in and be liked. My personality isn't generally like by the public and I am too broken and different for anyone to ever love me. I always knew this I just didn't want to believe that. I couldn't even get the only person I loved to like me. 

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to exist in the world? I can't get anyone to see me. People don't give me enough time to grow and see the wrong things I did and why they are wrong. No one can see the pain I suffer with everyday. No one can see me. As cool as being invisible is, (I get away with a lot at work and stuff lol) I just want someone to see me, the real me, and without trying to change me, like me. I don't think that can happen though. I am too different from everyone in the world and no one can understand me. No matter how much I try to get them to. I have given up on the world ever seeing me.