So, I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I suffer from undiagnosed, untreated anxiety and have since I was a child. Confronted with this realization, I can only contemplate the depth that this mental illness has affected me. The epiphany that this disease has been controlling me since before I was ten years old is hitting me hard, to put put it mildly.

I think about all the decisions I have made since then, or lack there of, and it haunts me. Many of the experiences that most people take for granted, I have never had. For a long time, I knew something was wrong with me. But due to a lack of guidance, I could never pinpoint the problem. All the adults around me, parents, teachers, etc. failed to recognize the symptoms and, as a result, I never got the help that I clearly needed. I can only hope that childhood mental illness is a subject taken more seriously now then it was during the 90s and 2000s.

I'm approaching 31 years or age and trying to get treatment and fix the shortcomings in my life. I still don't think most people realize how profoundly anxiety affects those who suffer from it. I have general and social anxiety and I can tell you that its impacted every decision I've evr made. I'm trying to get in therapy and hopefully get on a medication that helps but it's so hard , my entire identity as a person is being uprooted and transformed. I'm in uncharted territory now.

Having entered my third decade of life, I can see my youth fading. My hair is receding, my parents are old. I can no longer ignore the signs of aging and it makes me feel my own mortality. I think back on my life and wonder if it was all worth it, the fear and pain that others never had to experience. I ask myself how much of what was was due to the anxiety or my own personality. What did I really want out of life? All I know is I'm getting older and I don't think I'm ready for it. Anyway, thanks for reading. While I try to forge a new identity for myself, I guess I will keep trying to reach for the life I always thought I should have had.