I've tried writing this a couple of times. I haven't been diagnosed (nor am I asking anyone to diagnose me) but the symptoms and the stories all hit so close home to me. I'm scared that I'm going to talk about my experience and that I'll offend someone. So kindly let me know if I say something wrong. 

I can't stand that my friends have other friends. Whenever I'm on discord and I see them on vc with each other without me it drives me nearly mad. 'Why are they having so much fun without me?' 'Why aren't they asking where I am?' 'What does this person have that my friend wants give them a moment of their time that can't be given to me?'

I've ALWAYS struggled with this and when I have shared this struggle with my therapist or a friend they tell me the same thing. As a kid they told me that I would grow out of it. They tell me this is a result of how my parents treated me. They tell me that if I overcome my abandonment issues and insecurities that I won't feel like this so often. 

It doesn't work. I could feel like the hottest person in the room and be in a good place. It doesn't change anything. Everyone thinks it's just sadness or FOMO but it's not. 

It's a rage that consumes every fiber of my being. I do awful things to people like yell at them and cut them off because of a narrative I've constructed in my head. I hate people because then I have to always feel like this. But then I feel lonely and isolated--I need to be around people to know that I'm not a complete failure. 

And no one understands me. They just call me needy, like I'm an injured pup that just needs a little love. That couldn't be further from the truth. Even my therapists think this and I wish one of them would help me get a diagnosis. 

I feel like I can only approach this correctly if I know. I'm so scared to know but it would be a big step for me. I want to be able to have a healthy relationship with myself and others; I want to be able to trust and feel some sense of control. 

If I broke any rules I'm sorry as this is my first post. I've been lurking for a while and I finally wanted to say something.