I'm a 25 year old indian man whose been going through a bout of depression lately. My friend group split up and things have been downhill since. I have always had a hard time making friends and socializing. I have never been able to figure out why. All I have ever wanted was to live a normal life, a life that many people seem to do so easily and take for granted. My school life was shit, I moved abroad for college and it's been average at best with some memorable moments. But whatever seems to come easier for other people seems to come exceptionally hard for me. Just going out and having a life.

In contrast one of my close friends is a cute blonde girl. I hate admitting it but I'm jealous of her. Whenever I'm out with her people treat her so kindly and she's always wanted everywhere and gets invited everywhere. In the time our group broke up she easily found two new friend groups. She's never struggled to find friendships or relationships. Life just happens to her with little effort on her part compared to me who tries everything with very little results. That's when I realized some people are just inherently loved and wanted for who they are while others like me are ignored and invisible for being the same. Whenever I go somewhere without her people will ask me where she is lol. I know it's just life but the unfairness of it is taking a toll on me. 

All I ever wanted to do was have a good life with people who care for me. But in my life so far I have no friends who care for me, a family I'm not too close with and I curse my upbringing everyday. Maybe if I had been born to different people or in a different country. Maybe I was taller or wasn't indian. Everyday I ask myself why my life is so subpar and what did I do to deserve this loneliness and my life wasting away. Nothing comes to mind,but my biggest fear is living the rest of my life like this. I have not been eating or sleeping properly, actually I sleep most of the day. The same cycles keep repeating themselves and I cry myself to sleep watching people live the life I desire. It's what I want but can't have. I know I sound fatalistic but at this point I feel cursed to this wretched existence