I knew this day was coming. It’s like I was subconsciously manifesting this inevitable end. I love him so much and yet I made him feel the worse. He finally told me he feels it’s time that our relationship comes to a close. That I need time to self develop and he needs time apart from me to find himself again. I feel like I broke him, or corrupted him. I feel like I do this to every partner of mine and I’m just going to die alone.

This single feeling, it’s something I’ve rarely felt. I’m used to rebounds and being codependent, being without him is the loneliest feeling in the world. Yet, I still see so much hope ? I’m sitting alone in my bed with my cat, scanning the room for something to make it all feel better in a healthy manner. I’m convinced he isn’t gone forever but I wouldn’t blame him for never coming back. There’s this ugly pattern in my interpersonal relationships where I can’t help but sabotage the entire fairytale. I’ve never properly looked at my brain in a different perspective since I’ve always had someone around to do it for me. And yet they still couldn’t understand, like I’m speaking different languages.

What I’m trying to get at is that I’m feeling heartbroken but a bit confused. Why do I feel like that entire relationship was just a dream? Like being single is what I’ve wanted my entire life? And yet being without him is the most painful? I’m so lost :(