I put her through so much shit. When I am angry I take it out on her - I swear I shout I throw things .. the poor woman has to calm me down. The other week she had to take me to A and E with a broken knuckle. I’m quite bad atm and i spend a lot  of time  just watching tv - she cancelled her plans the last few days to sit with me so i wasn’t alone. She sits with me when i cry , she helps me to make sense of my relationship. When i’m manic I put so much stress on her , not coming home for days and not communicating with her.  She is the kindest women  on the planet. I feel TERRIBLE i wish I could get better , even if it was just for her.  I wish there was a way of me showing her how much I appreciate and love her .  Sometimes I get scared bc the thought of her dying makes me feel sick. If I lost her , I would just idek what i would do ( she isn’t ill or anything or old but u never know ) 