I don't even know where to start. I'm autistic so it's really hard for me to keep things short when I explain/vent/ask for advice.

I'm a 24F who's diagnosed with ASD, depression, and anxiety. My undiagnosed ex is a 23M. He thinks he might have BPD, and when he mentioned the idea of it - I started doing some research because that's what I do. He has all of the symptoms/traits for someone with BPD.

He's grown up in an abusive home. His dad abused his mom. He and his brothers watched his mom getting abused and almost committing suicide. His dad left and later his mom left with his little brother for a while as well when he was younger, but she came back. He and his two brothers live with their mom now.

My ex has been drinking since he was 15. He lost his driver's license in 2018 because he was drunk and got into a car accident. He has always been loving, kind, honest, loyal, patient, respectful, social, trustful, sweet, healthy and happy guy. I met him 3 years ago. We were friends for 1 1/2 years before we started dating last year, it's been on and off until now.

He's a mechanic and he lost his job in 2019 because he had to go to prison for a month. In 2019 he started abusing ecstasy at first. He tried it once and it became a thing, we were just friends back then. In 2020 he started abusing a lot of other substances. He smoked weed and drank a few times a week while he worked, he never had any visible problems until 2020.

We started dating in March 2020. The first 3 months were completely fine. I started abusing drugs as well because of him and I got into the wrong environment. He did everything he could get his hands on. He stopped smoking weed completely. He lost control when he started taking benzo pills and mixing it with alcohol. He has been verbally, physically and mentally abusive. He had never been in a fight before 2020. He physically abused me for the first time in October last year.

He mixed all kinds of drugs. Heroin, amphetamines, xanax, other benzo pills, GHB, coke, ecstasy, LSD, alcohol etc. the list goes on. He has overdosed a few times. He's my first love and I'm his first love as well, so I held on to him getting better by supporting him and communicating without judging him. He has been having episodes on and off for over a year now, every 2nd week, he suddenly hates me and makes me his enemy when I have done nothing to him. When I break things off and go NC with him, he says that he's gonna change. He takes responsibility for his lies, manipulation, yelling, threats etc. He acknowledges that he has a substance and alcoholic problem, he regrets everything, he says that he can't live without me, that he can't sleep because of what he's put me through, he doesn't understand why he's so evil and mean towards me, he can't stop thinking about me, he doesn't see a life without me in it.... but when he gets comfortable again in 2 weeks time, he does the same again.

This cycle has been going on for over a year. He has also cheated on me once, but he made up for it last year. I have a mild substance problem, but it has never affected him in a toxic way. I've never used any of my abusive past as an excuse to be mean to him. I never call him stuff. I set boundaries and he agrees with my boundaries. He wants to win my trust back and he wants to make up for everything. He's genuinely upset and sad about everything, but he sabotages everything all the time.

He's so understanding and self-aware, but suddenly he turns and blames everything on me and ignores every promise he has ever made. He goes back to the same abusive behavior. He gets mad at me for not being able to enable him by giving him alcohol or being scared of him. He threatens me, tells me to go to hell. I'm a wifey material and suddenly I'm a selfish whore who deserves to die. He's so self-aware at some point that I'm shocked that he suddenly goes against me who has been supportive and kind to him when I should've walked away. I'm sick of him always going back to saying "you're not any better. You do this and that" when I've never implied that I'm better than him. He gets angry when I call him an unstable alcoholic when he knows that he is exactly that.

I'm so sick of being disrespected and treated like this. I'm slowly detaching myself from him. I don't trust him because of his substance abuse and everything he has been hiding from me the past year. I'm scared of talking to him or being honest with him, he doesn't know how to properly communicate anymore and his abusive behavior never gets better... Is it better to walk away from him forever? It won't be a problem because he has hurt me so many times now and my feelings are fading... I thought he was my soulmate. When he suddenly gets better and comes back into my life, he falls back again in 2 weeks' time. I know he'll regret losing me forever and that he'll wasted all of his chances... but it's too late now. If you have been, or is an abusive partner with BPD, how does this work? Do you need to lose someone to truly regret it and get control of your mood swings/anger issues? I'm so exhausted.....