I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (although different psychiatrists disagree on whether I’m type 1 or 2).

I experienced my first manic, psychotic and severe depressive episode between 2018 and 2019, although there were some indications leading up to it before that.

Since January 2020, I’ve been on the path to healing. After trying out different medications, I finally found a cocktail that settled my symptoms (low dose, too): Latuda 40mg and Zoloft 50mg. Occasionally, clonazepam too.

I’ve been good since then. I started going to therapy every week, switched meds to low dose lithium, and eventually weaned off that too. I’m doing OK, so far.

I stopped my regular therapy sessions in December. I switched therapists because of some potential red flags with my previous psychiatrist/therapist (though I miss those sessions sometimes). I haven’t really connected with my new therapist yet, she’s all about CBT which isn’t working for me yet.

Sometimes, I find myself wishing I could just take the meds again. I get a little stressed/anxious and my head starts to run in different directions if there’s a trigger. Sometimes after a bit of effort to disconnect by focusing on something other than the trigger/thing that stresses me out.

The trigger in this case: I started a new job and as usual I’m having weird thoughts:
- what everyone thinks of me
- maybe they don’t like me
- am I asking too many questions
- am I fucking up
- why didn’t I do it perfectly the first time.

It’s embarrassing to admit this, but I just want to cry because these thoughts overwhelm me. I’m trying not to because it’s all downhill from there.

For clarification, I’m one week into the new job. Whenever I’m stressed, I feel physical symptoms (nausea, upset, sometimes leads to a migraine). If it continues for too long, paranoia creeps in. Times like this I just miss my meds. I felt safe, you know? I’d go to sleep like clockwork. Meds slow me down so I can’t think about unnecessary stuff. But I hated the side effects. I also got off the meds for now based on my psychiatrist’s recommendation as I’m TTC.

I wish I knew how to stop my head from going to these places. I wish I didn’t doubt myself so much. It’s nuts because when I’m balanced, I don’t focus on little stuff like this and it doesn’t affect me as much.

Any tips to overcome these thoughts are welcome.