So yeah, i'm this guy
https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/4u7l0t/i_think_im_done_with_love/

Update if anyone cares. Or i just need to vent. I don't know. 

I've went to her house. She obviously wasn't there. I said her that i was going to her home planty of time, said that of she doesn't want to see me to just tell me and she ignored me untill i was under her door. 

She said to me that i overdone it. That her life has changed and she doesn't have to explain to anyone. 

Last time, she said to me that she was in treatment, she got 100 stitches on her leg because she kicked a glass (she said to me that doesn't remember anything of that day. It was the day when i told her i was seeing someone) 
That she was happy untill she pushed me away, and now she's only filling the void with drugs and music and raves but she miss me

I known things were going like this. I known that she wouldn't be there. I hoped that it will give me at least some mental closure. But it didn't
I'M splitting, hard. I feel like I've ruined everything. She said to me that she wanted to go away with me and now she doesn't want to talk to me
I don't want her out of my life
I hate her and I don't need her. I'm better than her. I want her to be ok. I want her to miss me and feel like shit and need me. 

I don't know anymore and i'm afraid. Yesterday i started to scratch my arm (it felt itchy). Than i scratch really hard because the pain in my chest, the feel of being on the edge of an anxiety attack, was gone. For the first time since december. I didnt like the pain, i never cutted myself or did physical self-harm, but since yesterday i find myself scratching me till it burns. Even if i don't really like it, but it makes the weight on the chest go away
So yay, she gave me the only simptom i never had.
And i think i still love her. I can't let go, it's so fuckin hard to not wrote to her, even tho i know she won't reply. 

Sorry for the vent, i don't even know why i'm writing this but i just feel lost and totally broke.