i got up to 7+ months sober in 2021. completely sober. no pills. no weed. not even any alcohol (which i dont abuse, just casual use). i honestly kept waiting to feel better. each month that passed i thought this will be the month when things turn and make me feel better. never happened tho. i was obviously more in control of my life, but i can’t say like wow it was life changing and everything is better. my depression was still there. nothing really changed tbh besides saving a lil money. 

so i went back to casually smoking weed and drinking on and off around halloween. i had a few massive panic attacks from weed that scared me a few months back and i get bad anxiety whenever i smoke now so i gave that up again. alcohol makes me sick so i can’t drink much anyways. i got a script for ambien again and have binged a whole 30 day script in a week or so. i’ve done that 2 months in a row now. and i feel like shit, so i ghosted my psychiatrist the other day because i don’t want anymore. i started trying to convince myself to ask her for benzos and other shit so i just shut off my phone when it was time for our zoom appointment. i don’t plan on seeing her again. too ashamed to tell her about my ambien abuse. 

really just hope this sober time goes better for me. i want to be sober. honestly. i prefer it. but i also want to feel better. i want the depression to go away so i don’t relapse over and over out of boredom and stress. 

i really need a therapist but i’ve called so many places and have gotten onto waiting lists and nothing. crickets. for a long time now. so i’m just going it alone. meetings are not for me. i’ve tried both AA type meetings and smart meetings during my last sober time and it wasn’t for me.