Let me start of by saying that lurking through this sub for the past two months has been great for me! This is my first post and I know I will struggle to make it short but here it goes.

I (35M) have always had the tendency to worry (future, death, death of loved ones, my two kids and what would they do and more importantly feel if they lose me or my wife). So nothing too healthy, but the thoughts were never debilitating in any way or form, annoying for sure, but I could always function normally family, socially, and career-wise (high stress jobs - as I am finishing my PHD and work as a freelance consultant). During the day, I can always move past these thoughts.

**1- Christmas Break**

My wife and kids had to travel across the world to our country of origin for a planned 3-4 weeks (where most of my family and hers live) due to a family emergency on her end. I had to stay put at home for work-at-home. At that time we were and still are in a state of strict lockdown but I figured I will get some work one. Usually, I enjoy some solitude every now and then but since COVID, the most they have been away is a week within country.

The day they travelled and the 2-3 days after, I basically lost it! I was constantly in bed throughout the day with light-headedness, need to lie down, hopelessness, body on full alert, zero appetite for anything, slightly alleviated heart rate, high stress alerts on my Garmin watch, and the feeling that maybe and perhaps death is better than what I was feeling though not suicidal. I tried walking outside for an hour/day, taking to friends, keeping sitcoms/sports on the background always, changing rooms in the house, it might work for 1-2 hours but then I would spiral back. I couldn't meet anyone since again lockdown.

The only solution to this very new situation was for me to take the risk of travelling across the world to meet my family and my extended family (parents/siblings) and take a break from work. In retrospect, I should have visited the ER but I was glad I travelled since upon arrival with family, I was essentially back to normal (albeit with a persisting jet lag).

**2- Travelling Back Home**

So things were okay among family. But then we were to travel back home in one week. I made sure to be on the same return flight with my wife and kids. However, all of a sudden, the symptoms/episodes/attacks resurfaced with the thoughts of returning to cold weather and lockdown and never-ending lack of socialization due to COVID. 

My parents noticed and referred me to a psychiatrist 2-3 days prior to my travel. He suspected GAD and prescribed Xanax for management till I figure out a long term solution. So, I did take Xanax for the next 3 days including the flight and it definitely helped. Surprisingly, once back home things were back to normal! I was back to my work/life routine. Lockdown and quarantine were not convenient but nothing major.

**3- Death of the Parent of Best Friend**

I was okay for 2-3 weeks. I was even seeing a psychotherapist weekly via Zoom just to make sure I resolve whatever was going on. But I didn't have any symptoms nor did I even consider Xanax during that time. 

Then, my best friend's father passed away all of a sudden due to a heart attack. So, surprise surprise, my symptoms resurfaced albeit less intensely than before. I was still able to do work and function. However, the lightheadedness and feeling of hopelessness would persist for 3-4 hours per day but most of the day I was relatively okay. Ideas of death, mortality, aging, any news of death or sickness, or thoughts of my parents dying, etc. were very very annoying and persistent (no concerns around lockdown anymore!). I considered retaking Xanax since the prescription I had was mostly unused but figured I need to see a psychiatrist for follow-up.

I talked to a new psychiatrist, referred by my GP, over the phone for just 20 minutes. He really didn't ask many questions (except if I use alcohol or drugs, which I don't). He then concluded that yes GAD is the right diagnosis and that I should take Lexapro 10mg. That was 10 days ago. I got the prescription but it is still closed shut.

Now, I am considering just taking Xanax for the 3-4 hours per day in which I feel down as opposed to getting my self dependent on Lexapro with its side effects and then withdrawal in case it doesn't work or if the side effects are too severe. I am really torn. The psychiatrist who prescribed Lexapro suggested that I stop taking Xanax due to the risk of addiction. So I can't really consult him again on the matter + my prescription for Xanax would suffice me for a month.

I am currently thinking to myself that I have spent the majority of 35 years with no major depression/anxiety (I pretty sure I had a mild case since I overthink, I worry, and I have high empathy). So I am thinking that the past two months have been the aberration, which I can handle with temporary solutions (Xanax, exercise, counselling, etc.) as opposed to an anti-depressant that would at least tie me up for the next several months. Am I in denial? 

Has anyone experienced this sudden spike in anxiety/depression at adulthood and never returned back to their previous state on their own or at least without medication?

TL;DR: I never experienced major depression/anxiety/panic episodes (very minor) but over the past two months I experienced a major spike in which these episodes are easily triggered especially by ideas or news of death or sickness. I am apprehensive of going on (prescribed) Lexapro since I keep convincing myself that these two months are the exception and not the rule moving forward. Has anyone experienced this sudden spike and it became the new normal?