As a follow up to my previous post I feel fine now. I don’t feel crazy anymore, but now I can clearly reflect on how I felt during that short time where I really felt crazy. 

I talked to my friend who is diagnosed bipolar, and she said she doesn’t think I have it (which made me feel relieved) because she said when she’s manic she feels just overwhelming euphoria, and I was describing fear, anxiety, paranoia, disconnect from reality, and derealization/depersonalization. Mostly negative emotions with some spikes of “happy” dashed in every once in a while. 

I’m not really sure what to do now, because all of the therapists in my area are fully booked so now I’m one some waiting lists because I really felt like I went crazy. !TW! Something I did while feeling all these emotions and disconnect which I’ve never even had enough anger to do before was I got in a smallish fight with my mom and blew up, and then since I couldn’t find a knife anywhere in my room I just pierced my own ear with a needle since there was a needle laying around. Now I have a really crooked 3rd ear piercing LMAO (since I didn’t really look at what I was doing)

Also during those 4-5 days where I felt mostly horrible, (but very energetic) I had moments where it would just simmer down. If I listened to sad music I would cry and feel depressed almost immediately, and begin to feel like I was just moving through life with no real purpose again. But that didn’t last long and as soon as I actually did something I kind of went hyper again and even more foggy and depersonalized. I had this really overwhelming fear that people would find out I was completely disconnected, and I kept thinking people knew. I remember laughing at things and then thinking, in almost a third person perspective “why am I laughing” or “why did I say that” but I could never stop myself. Sometimes I would feel so happy and good but it could very quickly go away and be replaced with anxiety. 

If what I experienced wasn’t mania or depression, does anyone here know where I could find some good information on what happened? I really felt like a different person completely separated from everything with no control of myself or things I said. I remember spam texting people a billion messages about stupid stuff and I yelled at my science teacher because she was explaining things so slow. I would never in a million years make it obvious I was frustrated with a teacher because I’m so scared of getting in trouble, so I don’t know where that came from. Anyways now I just feel like my usual self again, laying in bed again after school, but not really feeling depressed or anything.