I don’t know what to say in here. It’s as if I was hallucinating my thoughts while extremely manic drunk. Right when I said it my thoughts completely 180’d and the girl in front of my (my girlfriend) was a goddess. Drop dead gorgeous with the best personality ever. We were in the midst of a rut after we had beautiful experiences just weeks beforehand and was trying to say “this isn’t the reason I feel this way with you.”

I can’t believe myself. I live everyday with extreme regret and guilt to where it leaves me crying and punching myself every once in a while. I don’t know how to cope with it. We can’t even break up because we love each other so much but I don’t know how to move on from it. It’s been over a year and a half and it still haunts me to this day.

I hear instances of a lot of fucked up shit but this one takes the cake for me. Why is my brain like this. I really do hate myself and have thoughts of killing myself because of things like this that I’ve done in the past. I’m on meds so I’m not insane right now, I just don’t know how to deal with guilt. Someone please help me out because this girl is the most beautiful being I’ve ever seen in my entire life and she loves me to death and beyond. I need help badly.