CW: suicide, sexual assault, substance abuse

hi there! i’ll start off by saying about 6 years ago i was diagnosed with borderline personality, i was pretty young and recently i’ve been doing well; my therapist said there’s a possibility i was misdiagnosed because “every teenager has mood swings,” 

the last time i remember feeling what i thought was mania was about 2-3 years ago; something happened yesterday and i guess i just want some input on it. this was by far the most severe “”episode”” i’ve had. my mental health the past year was the best it’s been my entire life up until i was raped about a month ago. that’s a whole separate thing, but i’m back to getting flashbacks and the same old types of thoughts i had with my prior childhood trauma.

i think i had some sort of episode yesterday but i don’t know what to call it, and i’m scared to tell my therapist about it. here’s what happened:

yesterday, i was closing up at work and suddenly had this jolt of energy; i closed everything down in half the time i normally take, and the second i got in my car i drove really, really fast which isn’t normal for me? i drive like a grandma!

so- i’m going to copy and paste the notes i wrote down after i “came down” from what happened, i was planning on talking to my therapist about it but reading it now i’m scared she’s going to want to hospitalize me? 

“•reckless driving- wanting to crash my car, wanting to run into other cars because they weren’t going fast enough, “push” other cars out of the way at red lights
•literally couldn’t stop driving; the idea of going home and relaxing seemed uninteresting and not stimulating
•thinking it would feel really, really good to die- like i could “ascend”?
•i wasn’t sad at all, or hating myself; felt like everything just clicked 
•racing thoughts 
•almost like suddenly everything made sense and i knew exactly what i had to do; “enlightened”?
•driving on mountain roads, reckless driving again, starting trying to pick out spots where i could drive off 
•suddenly began planning to sneak into my moms house to find and steal oxy? seemed like a really good idea
•wanting to cut myself and generally injure myself; felt like it was what needed to happen
•couldn’t stop shaking, hands, legs-felt like my eyes were glued open-felt uncomfortably restless
•being amazed and thinking the world looked really, really beautiful-colors felt more intense
•lasted about 2 hours
•felt very overwhelmed but also like it couldn’t stop
•towards the end started to become aware that these thoughts were abnormal but i couldn’t stop thinking them;
•it’s like i would tell myself i don’t want to die, but in my heart and in my gut i could feel that it would be a really good decision”

this was all really worrying because i haven’t thought anything like this in years. 2 years ago i had planned to kill myself by driving off that same mountain, and around 2-3 years ago i got clean from hard drugs. i haven’t felt the urge to do EITHER of those things since? i’ve driven on that same mountain so many times since and wasn’t overwhelmed by thoughts like that. and nothing seemed to trigger this. i wasn’t thinking about anything upsetting. i was having a good day. 

i don’t really know what to make of it. looking back it felt like an out of body experience. i’m admittedly a decently insecure and submissive person, but during that time i felt like i was a superhero and couldn’t feel pain, im never confident like that.

i mention the rape because it’s all i can think of as to what could’ve caused this. but i wasn’t even thinking about it that day; honestly, i’ve been repressing everything about it for the past week and when i think of it i don’t feel anything. even if i try to remember what it felt like, or tell my mind to let my emotions come out so i can feel it out, it’s like my brain’s set up a brick wall and i can’t get through even if i wanted to, no matter how hard i try. but can trauma trigger manic episodes? what do manic episodes feel like to you guys?

this is ending up with me just venting, i’m sorry lmao
i’m not in contact with my dad but i know he likely has bipolar disorder because a while ago he told me what medicine he’s on. every mental disorder he has i’ve also ended up developing and i’m really scared that that is what this is. 

if i tell my therapist about this do you think she will want to hospitalize me?? i’ve been hospitalized before and i cannot afford it ANY way this time, (i still owe like $6,000 from my last stay!!! ahhhh!!) and it would throw a huge wrench in all my goals and plans for the next year. i feel scared of myself. i’m such a pacifist i never, ever want to hurt anyone but that day it’s like i didn’t care if i drove into oncoming traffic or if i rear ended someone. i don’t want to feel like i’m capable of being a threat to others but it was really scary.