I hope this is okay. I 'lost' music, and I think it's related to self esteem/anxiety issues. I feel anxiety when trying to listen to music, and I'd love some help.

I used to listen to a lot of music, up until I started college. I don't really know why I stopped. Music used to me so extremely important. I got an mp3 player when I was in secondary school, and I used to listen to it when I biked to school (10km, one way). I torrented a lot of music and was always trying to discover new bands and styles, always listening to music when I was in my room. After secondary school I went to a vocational school, traveling by bus for 3 hours a day - always listening to music on my mp3/mp4 player.

I was into a lot of things: metal, punk, really obscure fusion genres, but also more classic stuff like the Beatles, The Doors and Frank Zappa. My taste was so incredibly diverse and I was really proud of it!

When I started college in 2011 it kind of faded away? I wasn't listening to as much music at home as before. I had my own laptop and spend a lot of time watching (torrented) movies and series), but I was still listening to music when I was commuting. However, over time they became replaced by podcast. 

Now I rarely listen to music. And I feel some form of regret or grief about that? Also a bit of embarrassment, because when someone comes over I always ask them to play something. I have no Spotify wrapped list (also no Spotify account) and my cd's are collecting dust. I kind of miss music, and I feel like I don't belong to the normal people because I feel such anxiety about this. And this makes me feel embarrassed.

Have I tried to listen to music? Yes. But I feel overwhelmed and can't seem to make a choice. And when I make a choice I spend my time worrying if I understand enough about it, and I want to get into all the meaning and read the lyrics - not practical when I'm on my way or working. I feel like I should truly understand it, otherwise I'm fake and not allowed to listen to it (I have this with other things too, like books and games, I can't superficially enjoy it).

I also feel like my choices are childish when I listen to music I enjoyed as a teen, or as a poser when i try the more obscure bands or like a really basic bitch when I listen to current newer artists.

Another reason I'm hesitant is because I hoped to be some sort of an artist, to be kind of special. I used to be into theatre and before that I played guitar and wrote songs. I quit that - theatre because I didn't want a career in that and it didn't fit into my life anymore. I quit guitar because I felt i wasn't good at it and it made me feel dumb because I didn't understand it. I still have some grief about that and it makes it difficult to see others preform (the little voice in my head goed: see, they are artistic, you are a failure). I can't really enjoy things without trying to be good enough (what is good enough? I don't know).

Okay long rambling story, and I'm not sure it makes sense but it would be great if someone has some tips for me. 

TL;DR Music really helped me when I was a teen. I was bullied, and finding my own style and recognizing myself in music helped me. Now I don't listen to music and I feel like I'm doing it 'wrong' when I try to.