I’m pretty self aware about my bpd.
I’ve been diagnosed 4 years ago when I started uni, was instantly put on HEAVY medication (legally maxed out on xans and Prozac).
Ever since then I would sometimes stop taking my meds for a few days to feel the withdrawal, and then take everything at once, mix with alcohol and go wild, or just overdose randomly if not on a night out.
Since then I stopped taking those drugs (got clean this year). 
I’m doing well without them.
Now however I realise that I have an issue. I seem to blur the line between what’s safe and nice fun and what’s just dangerous and reckless on purpose whenever I have any opening for a night out.
I go wild esp on a certain substance (❄️) and can’t stop myself until it’s like 8am the next day or I actually get in danger and my brain goes from 100 (euphoric unhinged fun) to 0 (stone cold sober I’m going home now).
Then I feel like shit for the next 2 days, not because of the hangover (I’m pretty resistant tbh) but because I feel so scared of myself. 
I want to have that fun but I can’t draw any lines (non intentional play on words) when i’m in those state and I’m back to whenever I was 18-19, unhinged and reckless, putting my safety and wellness on the line whenever I wanted to shake things up and feel something. 
I’m better off now in life, and this dark unhinged self destructive chaotic side of me is still here, but I have more to lose now than I did back then and that’s fucking terrifying.
I don’t know if anyone else has similar experiences with partying and obscene (but casual) substance abuse, but I’d love to hear from y’all &lt;3