this is the update i was going to give if i failed to kill myself AGAIN. im actually finding it funny that i am this much of a fuck up that ive fucked up killing myself on several occasions. like what the fuck is wrong with me?

im honestly just going to sit here and cry myself to sleep again like last night and the night before and so on. the thing that is scaring me the most is that my gbsf doesn't even notice it and i guess i can say that im good at hiding it but honestly im trying to make a cry for help at this point. 

who knows maybe i deserve this. maybe i am being laughed at and im just another puppet with no control over my own life.

my derealization has gotten worse. im genuinely starting to see and do things different and it's so painful. the feeling of knowing that u are moving your head or lifting your arm when u feel like its not u doing it is so scary. aswell as the fact it feels like im seeing all of this from a box that i cant open and im just screaming at myself from my inner self if that makes sense? idk its hard to explain and that last bit might not even be derealization

what else can i do? ive tried OD, hanging, even fucking electrocution like come on i need more to try and who knows, one might hopefully work