First time poster here, just reaching out for anyone who can relate because I feel very alone in my situation. I'm typing this after another confusing, dramatic night with my SO. A couple beers on an empty stomach and I shifted into my hyper-critical, angry, threatened and unforgiving self. It's frightening how easily it can happen, and how absolutely convincing that mind state is. To the point that I'm ready to divorce and move to Alaska or join a monastery. Within a three hour span I can shift from feeling calm and content with our relationship to silently blaming him for everything and ready to run away forever. I only just recently learned that there's a name for this (splitting), and I'm terrified that I might have been doing it for most of my life. I consider myself pretty damn self aware, but how have I missed so much? I pretty much know the reasons why this happens, though sometimes I have an inkling that there's something really big from my childhood that I'm missing. This threatened self is so angry, so scared, just grasping at straws for some stability and power to undo all the wrong that's been done. My sense of reality and truth has been slowly chipped away, and I just get so confused. Is it me, or him? Is our relationship doomed by these codependent behaviors from each of us? Why is it always my fault? Why doesn't he take personal responsibility? Where's the honesty and communication? What is so difficult is that there really seems to be partial truths to all of this, but the power of the anger and resentment that I feel toward him sometimes indicates that's it's something deeper from the past showing up. The emotional intensity does not match his "wrongdoing".

So what to do now? I'm just tired of being blindsided by, well, myself. And behaving in ways that are not aligned with the person I want to be in this world, who I feel I already am under the pain. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I've done a lot of work with therapy, DBT, mindfulness, etc. but this threatened self keeps taking the wheel. I've been considering EMDR, but I'm a bit scared of the process. I really think I need to stop drinking. I don't drink a lot, but so many of these blow ups have happened when I was drinking. The maladaptive behaviors come out so much more easily when drinking.

Does anyone have any insight or suggestions from your own experience? I don't want to feel so alone and crazy anymore.
