Hi!

I will try to explain my situation as good as I can. I've been pretty confused the last 6 months.

I've been pretty much sad and felt an emptiness inside me since I was 14-15 years old, thinking about life, what would happend if I commited suicide etc. I first thought it was a phase in my teens like any teenager had but not one of my friends had felt the urge to commit, or even thought about, suicide.

Fast forward to about 6 month ago. I met a girl through a friend. I liked her alot and we started to date. Like I said before I've always felt an emptiness or sadness inside of me, but when I was with her I felt happy again. I got tied up emotionally to her very quickly and we when we stopped talking, even though we only dated a month, I got really depressed. I didn't eat for 5 days straight and got suicidal. I went to the doctor and got some pills prescripted, but they only got me even more depressed and suicidal so I stopped  using them after about 2-3 months. 

About 4 months ago one of my friends started to talk to the girl. They are only friends, or so my other friends say, but I've had a hard time to accept that and I've been paranoid they are dating and I've almost stopped talking to him because of this.

When I was a child I cried and could get outraged and very angry for small thigs, but that stopped when I became a teenager.
I've had periods since my teens to now where I lock myself in my room to cry for hours because I've felt sad or empty, but because of no reason. 

I've always been introvert, considered by others as shy. I've always wanted to solve problems I've by myself and I've always thought alot about everything.

I've also been drinking and trying out various drugs since my teenage years. Sometimes when I drink I've got very sad, like it boosted my emptiness inside me and in these situation I've walked away to be alone and listen to music somewhere alone. I don't even want to be close to my friends or family in these situations because I feel like I will explode by my sadness.

I know BPD is a disorder who varies alot from person to person, and it feels good just to vent my thoughts some.