I will try to make this as short as possible, but theres a lot to this story.

Let me preface this by saying I have NEVER been overweight or obese in my life, I have always been in a healthy weight range and am not saying  was truly fat by any means. I know this.

As far back as 8th grade, I remember constantly ridiculing and hating the way my body looked, like 90% of the female population on earth. I never felt comfortable showing my body around friends or literally anyone, and would basically never wear things that were too revealing, even though I wished I could. This went on and on and on throughout all of high school. I was around 125-140 lbs within those 4 years, with my weight fluctuating a lot due to my lifestyle and eating disorder that slowly developed. So, yeah, never really overweight, but I just never ever felt good in my own skin. All of high school I never hooked up with any boys, I had my first kiss when I was a junior in high school. And that isnt a bad thing, im not ashamed of how prudish i was, but the problem is WHY. I had a LOT of attention from guys, like a LOT. I basically thought i was ok looking until I went to highschool and had a glow up, and I had so many guys that were in love with me it was actually insane to me. Not trying to brag but just being honest, it was crazy to me too. That validation was the only thing that made me confident and think of myself as hot. So i never had trouble talking with guys or flirting or getting their attention, I am a natural extrovert and am very good at talking to guys, so my prude nature all of high school was not due to nothing other than my self-hatred and poor body image. I could not even grasp the idea of showing a guy my body when i could barely show it in a bikini. So I went through hischool just having fun with absolutely no boyfriends or sexual experiences, which honestly made me really sad. Had a great high school experience, but I longed for those kinds of connections the whole time.

Then I went to college.

My freshmen year was during covid, so all my classes were online. I worked at a college bar as a waitress and got an even more insane amount of male attention. I still didnt like my body and went through the whole year flirting and making friends and partying, and yet not ONCE did I even KISS a guy. Not once. Again, had a fun year, but never touched a man once. I was also not doing great in my classes, and had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, but i was mostly happy and functional in life.

Also  forgot to mention that I was struggling with binge eating disorder this whole time, both high school and college.

Then in the summer I worked as a camp counselor for 2 months. I had gained a lot of weight due to binge eating until this point, so I was looking the worst I had looked in a long time. Nonetheless, I went to the camp and just lived my life and had an INCREDIDBLE experience there. I was exercising a shit ton all day, had strict meal times and ate very very healthy. I was starting to lose weight and feel SO confident in my body for the first time in my life. Then, the HOTTEST counselor that I had been flirting with the whole summer came up to me the last week of camp and asked for my number and flirted with me and blablabla. It was the most exciting thing ive ever experience, bc remember I have no experience with ANY guys whatsoever.

So we have insane sexual tension for like a week until its the last day of camp, and the whole staff drove to NYC for a night to party before flying home. So the guy (lets call him Zane) asks what hotel Im staying at, and ends up booking a room in it with his friend. At this point after two months of being at this camp, I probably lost about 15 pounds and was the skinniest I had ever been (119 lbs 5'6) and i felt ON TOP OF THE WORLD. I finally felt ready to have sex.

Long story short, me and Zane hooked up in the ice room of the hotel that night, and attempted to have sex. It ended up not working cuz it was my first time and i started bleeding and itg was too painful so not great BUT i was just so happy i tried and had that experience.

So then when I came back home, I was in phenomenal shape and truly loved the way I looked for the first time in my entire life. I was doing really well until i went back to school and began binge eating again. Long story short once more, I kept gaining and losing and gaining and losing from binge eating and dieting for motnhs. I started failing school because I became so hyperfocused on losing weight and eating in a calorie deficit. I basically avoided class, stayed home ALL day EVERYday other than an ocasional party or holiday or event. I was unemployed, failing school, and obsessed with my body.

This continued the ENTIRE year and I slowly became incredibly depressed. I began barely being able to get out of bed and just had every sign of depression you can think of. And anxiety for the first tim ein my entire life. I was terrified to go outside and showmyself to anyone unless I was my normal skinny, happy self.

I really don't mean to sound fucking obnoxious in this next sentence but i am just trying to paint a picture of myself and this is the best I got. have always been known to be a VERY social, well-liked, cute hippy girl that talks to everyone, has many friends, and is kind of a free-spirit. Thats basically been my image to other people. Also, always the life of the party. Not to brag but really, its true. I get everyone riled up.

So here I am, a depressed anxious lump of a person that is unemployed, failing school, has no goals, never had a boyfriend, never had successful sex, and is completely isolating herself to try to fix the body she always seems to hate even though she looks better than she's ever looked in her life AND she gets loads of attention from dudes.

I had/have this insanely intense obsession with ONLY being around friends/family/people in general when i was 100% happy and confident. If i felt fat in the slightest, didnt leave the house. Needed to workout but had class, skipped class and worked out. I would go to my parents house once every few weeks and end up bingeing like crazy on all their food, and then wouldnt leave my room to talk to them or see anyone for days or weeks on end because of how gross and ugly i felt. This is my FAMILY yall, like they dont care if i look fat or ugly. I have the most loving and supportive family, and yet my fucking ego still made me think i couldnt be seen by them if i felt gross.

So this turned into me basically being locked away in a room for weeks and weeks completely alone just feeling depressed and dieting and trying to exercise everyday. Such a sad life.

So this has basically continued for the whole summer and school year up till now. Now i am 20 years old, I gained 17 lbs since the beginning of summer, fattest ive ever been in my life. I am still unemployed, not in school anymore, dont have any clear goals, never had a boyfriend or successful sex STILL, and stay in my room in bed all day still battling with horrible depression, anxiety, and binge eating disorder, and spend hours and hours on Youtube watching pointless shit until my eyes are bloodshot. Barely talk to friends and family. Feel like I cant show myself ANYWHERE until ive reached my desired weight of 120 lbs. I hate myself so much right now and feel so lost and so alone.

I know that if i put myself out there and got a job and started being social again I would be happier, but my mind traps me and keeps me hidden, telling me theres no way in hell I can step foot outside looking this fat and unhappy. Only my parents know about my depression, none of my friends do. Theres a lot more to my tale here but its already way too fuckin long already. Hopefully someone reads at least most of this lol.

Anyway, I am just really at my lowest low, and am so terrified this will go on even longer and ill miss the best years of my life. I need some help or advice on how I can overcome this mental block that is ruining my life and has taken away 2 years from me. Im working on getting therapy but its a process. I just dont recognize myself anymore and feel incredibly defeated and havent had a normal day of living in years. If you have any advice or words of encouragement, I would be truly grateful. 

Thanks 4 listening :)