Basically I've ruined my life again.  I do this every couple of months. Kinda be okay for some time, then the depression kicks i, first slowly coming back, then to the point I can't get out of my bed anymore. I feel like everybody hates me and they don't like having me around so I just avoid social situations. I've quit collage because I couldn't get out of my bed and go. Then even if I would make myself go, I'd just be annoyed at everything. One day I just took all of my things and moved home. And since I was not checking up on anybody, I'm not comfortable calling them anymore. I have this one friend who is kinda easy going and sometimes I go and see her but I just always think I'm too much of a burden for her. Also, I don't like to talk about how much depressed I am so I just try and put a happy face on whenever I can, but I guess it's pretty visible since everybody's asking how I'm doing and all that shit and I just say I'm well. And that friend, she thinks she knows everything, has been reading some popular psychology shit and is always telling me I need to be positive and she's into that astrology bullshit and always comparing that I'm doing this because this planet is that and I don't know what  and I'm telling her it's bothering me and I think it's all bullshit but she just keeps doing that. Also, I think her boyfriend doesn't like me, I can't even think of a reason but I guess that's not my problem really, but I always try to meet with her when he's not around and sometimes he's there and I just feel really uncomfortable. And I saw her yesterday and I thought it was just gonna be the two of us but then he came and two other people and I was feeling really bad and I wanted to leave but I didn't know when to because their plan was to go somewhere and I thought i'd just leave when they do but then they stayed and I just had to go home because I couldn't keep it up. And I had a really big meltdown when coming home because she called me, I asked her to come to my house but she was too lazy so I went and that was really stupid. Also, when I arrived I just started talking and was uncontrollably hyped up, and when those other people came I just sat in silence because I just have that terrible feeling that they don't like me or whatever. And they don't show it, but it just kinda floats in the air. And I can't ask them why, well because, they've never really said or did something bad to me.

And now I\+ve decided to stop seeing that friend at all, well because I feel I'm a burden and also because she's always telling me to just drink my  St John's\-wort tea (which I don't, but she thinks it's all that it takes to feel good). I mean I've been on most antidepressants and non worked for me so...

I also have a bunch of other stuff I'd like to just let out of my head but this is a pretty big post and it's stupid it's just that I needed to let it off.

I'm bored, with one friend whom I'll lose and ever\-night I plan to kill myself the next day I just don't do it because I've failed that too many times. I guess I was born to suffer 