So I need to rant. I messed up really. 

So both me and my partner have BPD. He also has PTSD. His is the typical BPD you hear about; gaslighting, horrible, cheater, etc. I’ve always made excuses for him because I have it and I know it’s hard and I know that he’s reacting to his emotions negatively but when I saw he had messaged another woman asking to meet up I realised I had enough. I left with our daughter and I’m currently 7 months pregnant. My BPD is more internal, I blame everything on myself but since I’ve left and been so angry and turned into the manipulative, horrible asshole I’ve been terrified of becoming. The last two weeks have been a head fuck; first we were sorting it out but living separately, that was fine. We were going to start dating again and take it back to the beginning and learn how to be happy and love each other. I wanted him to go to therapy but he didn’t want to but I said I was going anyway. He’s gone from saying that’s fine to not fine and fucking with my head. I’ve gone from crying to being happy to crying again. With this comes feelings of jealousy because I can’t trust him. So yeah, Sunday, Father’s Day, showed me exactly why I wanted this break and why I REALLY shouldn’t go back. We’ve exchanged horrible words today. He’s said I’m going to be the type of mother who lets men abuse their kids. He then said our son that I’m carrying isn’t his and I slapped him, which I entirely regret and apologised. It was an impulse reaction and I wish to fuck I didn’t do it. He threatened to kill me if I let anyone touch our children (as in even if one of my family hug them). In person (because I agreed to see him for ten minutes to discuss how he’ll see the kids- obviously didn’t discuss that) he said he’s going to ruin my family and destroy all our houses and cars and make sure they get burnt out every month, although he doesn’t know where anyone lives. He even went as far to say I’ll get with my mums future husband for money. I of course retaliated but only with you’re a piece of shit and you’re disgusting etc. I wish I hadn’t risen to it. 

However before all of this I was telling him I love him loads, of course I love him, I just can’t live in our shitty one bed flat with two adults and two children. I hate the flat, he knows this. I told him that my family plan to move back to the house my mum owns because it’s big and she wants to help me with my newborn because I’m young (I’m 22, he’s 38, lmao work out why this didn’t work aye) and with my history of suicide attempts she’s obviously worried for me, and that’s when he lost it because he said I lied to him (I didn’t). He’s said he’s going to find and start a new family because he needs to be happy even though our unborn son is his eighth child and clearly shouldn’t have any because he doesn’t see any of them (I want him to see our kids, he doesn’t apparently) or take any responsibility. I’ve said things too but mainly being soppy and trying to get him to love me again even though I know we shouldn’t be together? I don’t know why I’m doing this. I know we shouldn’t be together, I don’t want to be treated like shit for the rest of my life, so why do I keep begging him to let us do this my way, when neither of us want to? Why do I care about the girl he’s going to start seeing and feel jealous even though I know he s going to treat her like shit? Why do I care about this man that has absolutely no respect for me? Yeah I understand he does love me, I understand this is him reacting with our stupid BPD emotions, and I understand I am too, but why? Why you stupid fucking health disorder??? Why do I want to get back with him when I actually don’t? 

I’m so fucking done with myself and with our relationship. I’m ignoring texts now else I’m going to get myself in trouble. I don’t want anything to do with him apart from letting him lick the kids up which he probably doesn’t want to do. I have no idea what I want you guys to say tbh I think I just needed to rant, which you may see many of. Whenever I want to text him I’ll probably just make a post on here forcing ya’ll to stop me. I hate myself lmao why do I do this. Whenever I think I’m ‘normal’ and ‘fixed’ I go and prove I’m still unstable 

Thanks for listening !! 