At 19 during my second semester of college, reflecting on my performance during the last semester I figured I needed to medicate my adhd if I wanted to be successful in life. Whether or not I really wanted to. In august 2021 after a breakup and me opening up to my parents about my mental health I was tested and diagnosed for adhd as well as anxiety and depression. Bipolar wasn’t even into the picture until spring break when I was prescribed setraline/Zoloft for my anxiety. This was during spring break so it lined up perfectly. I at first thought damn this shit worked quick as hell. My anxiety was gone it felt. And without anxiety I could conquer the world I was realizing my potential. By day 2 it felt my adhd was 2 times as bad. Day 3 5 times as bad. Then it became 10 times as bad. This was the happiest time of my life. I was making plans, which I never did, I was going from hangout to hangout, I couldn’t stop talking, I felt as if I was the shit. One morning I woke up at 6:30 paced the house ten times then decided Imma go skate at the park (mind u I don’t skate). While skating and watched the sunset I had this thought. After manifesting all the ways I was going to be famous and deciding it was my fate to be known and celebrated, I had reflected on the week and how happy I was and I thought I cracked the code to a good life. And I had said 25. I’d rather live to 25, through the life of fame I was destined to do, (I thought I was gonna be a skating pro, an influencer, a musician, and just a prominent social media figure) than to be miserable like I was and do a desk job until I’m 60 or so. I had said I hadn’t wanted to live past 25 and I would be dead by then, whether it meant killing myself or life taking me instead it was my fate. And I had accepted I would die young. I had realized after that this week was going to well, it felt like a final hoorah at life. And a shadow of death was being cast over me. And it scared me a bit it was of putting. I had recalled the side effects the doctor mentioned on the medication and I recalled who I used to be before and I realized something wasn’t right. I called the doctor I didn’t stfu and I was given an appointment right away. (In hindsight this might be hypomania but I forget about a lot of the crazy shit I did) I was told I was bipolar and I was told to get off the meds immediately and I was given new meds, abilify. Abilify made me drowsy and depressed. And by the time I was on lithium I was done with all the side effects and switching medication once a week. Went off cold turkey and decided I should just let the chaos of my disorder take over. I didn’t care about life or death. I wanted the high of mania again, I couldn’t handle the depression much longer. Well doing so made me more depressed. I had taken setraline again one day 4 pills which is 8 times the starting amount, and I felt like shit. Again on impulse. I said I’d never do that again and laughed at my terrible decision. On last Friday I had done it again. But I was in a much darker place. I had felt as if I was being punished to live long, just so other people don’t feel sad when I’m gone even tho they give fuck else about me when I’m here. No one answers my texts I was so alone, I didn’t think anything mattered. I knew the disorder would get the best of me and I took 6 pills of setraline impulsively. For no reason in particular except for me not caring about myself whatever. And then I took 2 more while shaking and forcing it down my mouth. A friend found out and snitched and I was rushed to the er and sent to a mental hospital I was examined and told that I might not be bipolar. The kicker is I’ve never had a manic episode up until the medication. And I don’t have a family history of it (it is very possible I do but my family is from the Caribbean they won’t get diagnosed from shit, plus my family is big asf and my dads side is a mystery). I was told 90% I am bipolar 10% I wasn’t. Because I shouldn’t have had a manic episode if not undiagnosed bipolar. I do relate to a few posts here, and my moods are irregular. I have faced depressive episodes back to normal moods but that just seems like depression. I looked up on this subreddit when people had there first manic episode and many were 20 and up. And it’s scary. I’m going to have to wait it out to find out if I have this disorder or not. It’s entirely possible one day I will wake up and not recognize myself. I really don’t know if I am or am not now and I don’t have much closure on this. This is the only community I know that can give me perspective, doctors have told me conflicting information. I think if I am bipolar, my symptoms just haven’t shown as much yet and the meds had caught onto it quite early. So am I destined to be manic again one day? Out of control and out of the blue? Also irregular sleep hasn’t made me manic cause I didn’t have consistent sleep while at the hospital and I was just tired the whole time lol. 
It sucks imma have to wait a long ass time to find out. And I might wait a longer time in fear of something that will never come. And also if I have been taking medication for bipolar for a month and turns out I’m not bipolar how would that affect my brain? I just want some thoughts on this or some insight. I’m quite scared. Thanks y’all.