Growing up the only thing that I had clear is that I wanted to leave my town, now that I have a small opportunity I want to give up (something quite common in me).   
The thing is that I suddenly received an email to apply to an international scholarship, and I did the easy part, sign up. I passed the first stage of applicants and now comes the part when I have to commit to this and start doing the test, the meetings and the application, where I have to write about my goals, who I am, and what I want after high school (something that is already difficult for everyone).  So after having some anxiety about these questions and not coping healthily, I started to avoid the topic keeping myself distracted and now I want to dismiss the opportunity.  
And I know that probably I'm not even going to pass the first test, it's just that what it actually concerns me is my brain wanting me to give up, or avoid and hoping to fail so I don't have to keep thinking about it and having these horrible headaches. And suddenly all I want is the time to stop, and stay here and keep using unhealthy coping mechanisms to distract myself from everything, including coping with substances and destroying my relationships in the process. So the idea of trying, and failing scares me, but it also scares me the idea of success, 'cause I know for a fact that if I leave this town I'm not going to be any different of who am I currently and all the stuff of the coping mechanisms and self-sabotage and low expectations about myself.