I’m so depressed and anxious I want to die but I can’t commit suicide because I don’t have the courage to do that and I don’t want to hurt people around me by doing that, I really just want to get an illness immediately and die

This whole thing started from social anxiety and isolation back when I was in middle school and then I received abuse from my parents because they thought I was rebelling when in reality I was just depressed and anxious.. I’ve been feeling absolutely worthless and useless since then