My (step) dad who raised me killed himself in Jan 2018 and ever since I’ve been obsessed with the thought of dying myself. He was a pastor, emt, firefighter, the mayor, and had a full time job for almost 30 years until a month before his passing. I was 3 years old when he walked into my life and at the age of 22 I had to say goodbye after find his body lifeless with a gunshot to the head lying against a dog pin we built together in our old backyard at my parents place. I know every reason behind his suicide, to put it short my mom is a terrible person who not only drove him to his death while my sister and I were away, she also hates the both of us for being so aware of the situation. We no longer associate with her(currently living with my sister now) but the image..the image of the blood and his soul no longer being present with us truly broke me to a point where I’ve fetishized doing it myself. I’ve always had some depression, but it never felt overbearing until the last few years. I hate that I feel this way because I have 2 kids of my own and if anyone knows how bad it is to go through someone so close choosing death it’s myself. I feel guilty for wanting out so bad and leaving behind two precious children (5yr f &amp; 1yr m) but I know I’m no good for them because my life has gone downhill in every way and I can’t break the cycle of wanting to end it at least once a day. Am I permanently fucked up because I made the mistake of wanting to see him for myself despite the warnings cops gave us as we found him? I just couldn’t say goodbye without seeing him before they took his body away. That whole day is still so vivid to me and it’s almost been 4 years. I’m lost and I don’t want to hurt my kids but I truly don’t know how long I can keep going.