Title says it all. 
I once used to be a very ambitious person, even accomplishing things at a young age, before any of my peers. For example, i hitchhiked around the world alone by myself at 18. I was super super proud of that too!
And i really wanted to go on like this, but my depressions really took a toll over the years. 
I am now 25 but i have wasted about all that time once i accomplished that traveling thing at 18. 

After that very happy 18th year, things started to go down for me. I continued hitchhiking, but got absolutely tired of people always asking the same questions, such as, "are you not scared of hitchhiking? " "Is it safe?"etc. I started to get really angry about getting the same conversation for the millionth time that it was becoming hard for me to enjoy the hitchhikes and the travels. 

Travels are the same. Everyone always asks "where are you from?" and when i tell them where i am from, it is the same "ooh i have been to this place in your country" or "ooh i like X food from your country" and it makes me so angry to hear the same shit over and over and having to be nice and cortious to these people, who are giving me a ride. But really can humanity be this stupid? Why is everyone always saying the same thing as if they agreed on it in a secret pact all together without me knowing? People giving the same response over and over makes me want to stop their car immediately and get the fuck out without thinking about what has to follow afterwards or beat them up and tell them to shut up. 

Perhaps i have anger issues. I do work on it, but i dont like the concept of punching pillows, i actually do mean to punch people. But i know it is morally wrong, and hence my depression. Make it make sense, i can't. I just chose to be stuck to bed all alone because i would rather keep myself inside my room all day without getting triggered by people and not be able to express my true emotion, which is anger.

I absolutely hate people in general now. They are loud and simple minded and selfish. What i described in the previous paragraphs about hitchhiking boring conversations was only one example. I don't find the energy to always talk with them and even finish conversations, and they take my silence of exhaustion as a "win for themselves". That they were right. Most of the time, unless you tell them straight, they don't even notice they are being annoying or too much to deal with. And when you tell them, they can't deal with it. I tried telling people i wanted to stop talking with them because i was bored or i didn't have time for their stuff, they made me regret saying that out loud, with more of their stupidity. Like "how can you say such things?" and "you are rude" etc. Dude, i literally wanted you to shut up, that's why i said it, but now you are talking even more... I hate that people are always only invested in their perspective, their emotions without trying to prioritize you too. 

Everything that requires human conversation, everything that requires some kind of human interaction, i hate it. I only do it sometimes because i have to. But men it is so hard to fake those relationships, for even years at an end. Imagine i want to work in a job, or have a relationship and that requires years and years of human contact. I cant even endure 1 hour of social time at times. Just yesterday, i had to attend a 5 min conversation on the phone, and it made me so sick that i had to take like 24 hours alone in my room. I am getting shocked by facts as i am writing them. 

I even hate nice reasonable people too now, because when they are so nice to me, i wanna be nice back, but lack the energy + feel bad about myself for that. So they remind me that i hate myself and i hate them for it. 

Please no hate on me just because i said i hate people and cant stand them. I wouldn't choose this if i had to. I am merely expressing how i feel. 

Everything i have to do requires some kind of human interaction. I considered going to live in the wild and not seeing anyone, but i dont wanna do that either because that's not what i meant for myself. I want to live among humans, but like a god. Untouchable, able to fly, able to be visible etc. Yes, these superpowers would be quite cool. 

And please dont tell me to not care about what other peoples opinions too. I used to a child and was super judgmental towards many people, and when i was judging them, i just wanted them to answer to me with their own explanation. So i believe in giving everyone an explanation, no matter if they are rude or kind, but not everyone is also approving you for the story you have and are just mean for the sake of being mean, and i absolutely hate that. I hate that when you spare the time and the energy to explain something to someone and they just flat out are rude. It makes me wanna kill them to be honest, and i cant deal with the anger, and really feel like an imposter for punching pillows as anger management. 

I hate asking people for help too. It took me a long time to consider writing this post. Even as i did, i am not sure if it made sense because it is chaotic. I hate that when i ask people for help, they just come with generic responses like 

Like, like. I actually want a parent. This is not me being ridiculous, i know i am ridiculous, hence i wanna kill myself, bit like. I really cant carry myself anymore and really would do with a parent. I cant do with advice, i cant do with a go to therapy shit. I hate therapy. My own therapist despised me and he can go to hell. My own parents were terrible and remind me in every conversation my past traumas. I really want someone to hold my hand and rise me up and not expect anything in return. For everyone thats supporting me, i feel absolutely terrible when i dont say "thanks 🥺 that advice made me feel amazing" because again, that's lying and only makes me feel worse about myself. 

At this point i only didn't just kill myself because of my sister but honestly she is completely ignoring me and my situation. She is depressed herself. To be honest my depression came to be stronger because i was doing this whole "support your depressed family" thing to her and told her I'd support her. She has been ignoring my advice to get therapy for 2 years and that's ruining me. I fell to the same pit.