 Hello everyone. I'm a 20M and it's the first time im posting on Reddit, so i can share my thoughts with someone.                                                                                            

To start with, I have most of the the things someone would have wanted but still my mental health is a mess, worse than ever at this point. I have a home, family that loves me, friends, i managed to get in one of the best universities in my country, have a great paying part time job that i love and in general my family is not poor (but nowhere near wealthy as well). Also i recently made a great effort to change my self to be better at the dating scene, which actually turned out amazingly. From having no gf, and no girls interested in me in a romantic way at all and being a 3-4/10 i would say, with effort and the correct actions i managed to get to an 8+/10 and have tons of girls in my life, many of them considered to be top tier pretty, without even improving my "game" which is still really bad. 

But the problem is that for some reason, despite of all that I'm still a mess, as mentioned before. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely respectful about the things i have, wouldn't ask for anything more and don't want to sound selfish at all. So, my family runs a great history of suicide attempts, depression and other stuff. So sadly from a young age i followed their footsteps. For as long as i can remember my self i had severe anxiety problems, cried a lot for many reasons etc. In the last years things are getting worse. I've developed really severe illness anxiety disorder, which i actually always had and always tried to fight it but it's getting worse. Also i have a problem with my personal hygiene which I haven't found out how to fix, only cover it sometimes, despite the fact that I've tried so hard to find a solution. This problem has made my daily life an actual nightmare. On top of that i have huge regrets about some actions of mine in the past, that literally hunt me every night before sleep (nothing illegal). Also i haven't talked to anyone in person about those  problems and everyone thinks that im doing great, cause thats what i let them see. In reality i struggle to get out of bed, my daily life is getting even harder and at night i just go mad. Depressed, angry and all the feelings that can get me worse. I ve only opened up to my mother a tiny bit but she cant even imagine what I'm going through. Actually i recently started feeling comfortable for the first time to open up to one of my friends with benefits, with who i ve actually got in love with and her the same with me. She also fight's with depression from a young age and can understand me.  Sadly I didn't had the chance to properly open up because today we had to finish our "relationship" because of some other important factors, despite the fact that we wanted to stay together. this made things even worse with my mental health and i really don't know how to move on. 

Has anyone been to a similar situation, and if so how did you work things out?

Ps   i haven't been to a therapist because I don't feel comfortable to open up to a stranger.