to preface im 22 and non-binary (demiboy, he/they/xeb pronouns if that's relevant) in the UK and this is a message I've send to my psychiatrist in hopes of getting an earlier appointment than 3 weeks times (I'm lucky enough to see someone private for ADHD but she also works with BPD, etc.)

🔺before you read it!! there are vague mentions of self harm, dissociation, nightmares, rituals and hallucinations. if any of those are difficult topics for you, please either don't read or read with discretion and keep something comforting nearby.

over the last week or two ive been getting really paranoid and im not sure why. like suspecting people of what theyre doing, what they're thinking about me, suspecting the medication im taking isn't actually what the pills are even though its all sealed and packaged and labelled and in theory cant have been tampered with, feeling like everybody hates me out of the blue, becoming much more paranoid about mine and my partner's relationship for no reason (he's said that he feels like im acting "off" a lot and he's not going anywhere because of that but im still very paranoid, asking questions like is he interested in other people, has he considered asking somebody into the relationship since he's polyamorous).
I've been feeling much more suicidal (passively) than normal, not taking any steps to do anything but just feeling extremely isolated and alone, getting closer towards it becoming less passive and more active. I've always known how I would do it if I were to attempt/take my life but I have no current plan to do so, just much stronger thoughts and I suppose with that come stronger urges, e.g. on Wednesday night I recall tweeting on a private account that what's the difference between not missing me in a week or a month or a month to a year, if I'd be gone, or along those lines. I was completely irrational when saying that I'm aware but a part of me still believes it so I'm not sure that's..healthy, let's say.
on another note ive been hallucinating a lot more than usual, "normal" for me is maybe hearing a conversation that isn't happening from people who aren't there so i know it's a hallucination (or illusion is apparently what that's called?) but more recently it's been things like hallucinating seeing and hearing cars on the road that aren't there, people following me who aren't there or people in front of me who aren't there but i fully wholeheartedly believe they're there until they're not and there would be nowhere for them to go. I also hallucinated a patient in the pharmacy, luckily the other staff member wasn't in the room at the time but that did happen. when that happens its really distressing because it makes me feel like my reality is broken or I'm broken or I'm not real or nothing around me is real, maybe I'm imagining everything, like nothing matters or ultimately I don't matter, leading into the next points.
I've also been dissociating a /lot/. like walking down the street for example, thinking about something or focusing on a "hallucination" then snapping out of it and losing where I am, realising where I am and forgetting what the time is, sort of losing myself for a few moments. once I realise where I am I'm fine and continue what I'm doing, where I'm going etc. but it happen on a daily basis at this point, sometimes several times a day if I'm feeling particularly "off" and I can't quite describe what that off feeling is in words. almost like derealisation or depersonalisation and I'm not quite sure which one it is, maybe both. I'm losing time with this too - suddenly realising it's hours later than I thought, or thinking it's much later than it is. I think during one of those periods where I've lost time I may have ended up self harming and just don't remember it, I've got 4 recent ish scars from about a week ago maybe(?) that I remember talking about with Sam my partner but I don't remember doing them now.
I've begun to fall back into strange rituals I used to have like certain ways id brush my teeth, orders in which I did things, a lot of facial ticcing/stimming, audible (like with my voice) stimming which I haven't done in literally years, possibly some other bits I can't think of right now.

another fun thing is having nightmares nearly every night about being left by people I love, leaving people I love, hurting/being hurt by them, being hurt by other people physically or in other ways, flashbacks within nightmares, flashbacks in the day, just a mix of not so nice things.

basically a lot is going on and im not sure if it's temporary or not. I don't think it's side effects of the elvanse or lorazepam because they would've begun much sooner for it to be either of those, I'm not sure if it's because of the fact June (my trauma month) has just ended and it was too much buildup of stress. this has happened before but it started much earlier, probably around the end of April or beginning of may, and didn't end until about August. I was under community mental health services at the time and the team there refused to do anything about it, including discussing with me why that might be happening and how they could help. eventually (about 8 months later, this past February or around that time) I was discharged without my knowledge and without any real given reason - in the letter they said they discussed it with me, but that didn't happen, because I distinctly remember having exactly 1 phone call with my care coordinator and the potential for discharge was brought and up and I said we could see how I was at the time but that the following month, February, was also a difficult time for me so maybe we could see how that went and then make a decision, but the decision was made for me with no further discussions. (not sure if I told you about this part already, sorry if you're reading that again if I have) 

so anyways all that said, I'm not sure what to do- book an
 appointment between now and the 22nd July (our next proper session booked in) or just move that one closer?

_____

a couple of friends said it would be a good idea to get a sooner appointment which I agree with, but in the meantime or if I can't, does anyone have any suggestions?
I already take a lorazepam and melatonin at night to sleep, and I'm on vortioxetine buspirone topiramate and metformin (pcos), if that's of curiosity or relevance to anyone. I do generally have contact with my partner and/or a close friend every night and work 4-8 hours 5 days a week in a pharmacy. if you also have any other questions please go ahead and ask. I feel like I'm falling to pieces and I'm slightly scared that part of me wants to