My psychiatrist and psychologist somehow concluded that my depression is hard to treat because I'm too "rational", whatever that means. It makes me feel so hopeless if even they don't know what I can do to make me feel a little better, a little less suffering. 

Pharmacotherapy also isn't going well, I've been on lexapro 20mg, which didn't work I suppose also no side effects and I'm currently on effexor 150 mg, also no (side) effects. Not sure anything would help. Psychiatrists said that according to national protocols adding lithium would be the next step. 

I read the report my psychiatrist send my GP to inform about my therapy. The diagnosis left me feeling like a hopeless freakshow. Basically it boils down to traits from cluster B, cluster C personality disorder mixed with some autistic traits that cause persistent depressive disorder.

I also tried self medicating, it makes me feel less shit but it also makes me so damn scatter brained and the dosages were getting crazy over time to get the same effects.

I wanted to buy some stuff off the dark web so I could end my misery but due to legal interventions even that has become hard. Fuck I don't know what to do anymore. Meanwhile the innervoice in my brain is killing me, it's so loud I even speak it out loud sometimes if I don't watch myself, even in public.