I was hardly given privacy as a child. My mother did not respect age-appropriate boundaries. For one thing, she forced me to call her “mommy” to the point where I stopped addressing her at all to this day since elementary school 10+ years ago. I was forced or strongly encouraged to stay in my parents bed until I really really refused to when I was like 9 in 4th grade. 

These “evidences” of mine get worse the longer you go on:

For as long as I remember, the sound of my moms voice or any noise she makes (especially yawns) makes my vagina pulse as if I’m being aroused. It made me infuriated and uncomfortable and hate myself. 

Sometimes if my clothing was too loose or rubbed me the wrong way I felt very naked and exposed. It happens less now but still happens so I prefer tight clothing. I used to feel so distressed being naked alone when I bathed for strange feelings of guilt and fear that even God could see me naked. 

I don’t remember a lot but my mom used to think it was funny to threaten to expose me. For example if I had to change behind like a towel at the beach if there were no rooms nearby to, she would tease me to say that people would see me. I daresay I remember her joking exposing me at times. Or once we got into an argument as I was in a towel outside because I had just showered and she threw open the patio door and started screaming “*my name* IS NAKED!!!!!” at the point to where I was already so fearful of nudity. By the age I needed a bra, it took me so long to describe that I needed one because I was too mortified to say the word bra. Couldn’t even say panties. 

I would always have nightmares of her changing me well passed the age of needing to be changed with my legs lifted for my vagina to be exposed and having people I know come by to witness. 

When I was around 11 or 12, my mom hadnt seen me naked in a while because I more actively hid myself. One day she decided to walk into the bathroom while I was washing and she went and looked at my vagina. I tried to hide but she forced me to show her. I have long labia minora which she didnt understand my “deformity” so she asked me if I had touched myself and stuff and called my dad crying about it. I hate the way my vagina looks now. It was a really traumatic experience.

I don’t know if I’m making this up but I think some parts were touched sometimes in passing as I got older or maybe more carefully when I was younger but I’m not entirely certain. I hate the word vagina or butt, they made me so upset when I was younger and these discomforts feel closely linked to physical feelings. I can still hardly stand these words without cringing. She would vulgarly tease me. I’m half convinced I’ve been touched because of how strongly I’m uncomfortable without feeling compression on my lower parts. 

I have this memory of her revealing her breast when I was young to show me I used to suck on her nipples. I remember being uncomfortable and too old. She told me to suck on it again or asked me to. For some reason I remember her doing this out of anger, but that may be wrong. 

I vividly remember how we touched tongues once and how horrible it felt. 

She doesn’t seem like she intentionally sexually abused me at all, so I’m wondering if this is all in my head or if there is something wrong with me. She seems perfectly innocent and fine and cares for me. I think she didn’t understand boundaries. But I feel very scarred. 

It was very hard to deal with growing up. I feel like I can’t function sexually. In high school, I slept around with lots of guys. Even in my deepest, most intimate relationship I could not climax from penetration. I’ve only ever been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation and I have to imagine female bodies. 

I really like names like mommy, mama, etc... in bed. I love to watch nipple sucking. I feel very broken because I think it’s connected to all of this. 

I also can’t sleep alone. It helps for there to be a light but I have terrible anxiety trying to fall asleep.

Would this be sexual abuse or is something else going on?

I fucking hate the sound of her voice. I can’t stand it and what it does to me. If I’m changing and she calls my name from outside of my room, I will go into a massive meltdown fit tearing at my hair, crying. 

Another thing, one night while I was trying to sleep in my own room at first, my mom switched from her bed to my bed in the middle of the night. Pissed off, I went to my parents bed. My dad was asleep the whole time so he didnt know my mom and I made a switch. After falling asleep I was woken up by my dad spooning me and pulling my pants off. I immediately got up and went into the kitchen. I didnt know what to do or why he was doing that but I did not want to go to my bed with my mom. When my dad found out what happened, he apologized to me and told me I should not be touched like that. This memory does not bother me in the least bit and I remember it very clearly while all of the childhood long instances with my mom are extremely distressing. 

I need opinions and direction on what to do about this