**tl;dr: Friend is really negative and uses tactics that I'm uncomfortable with to engage me. I called her out on the behavior and now my other friendships seem to be affected because of it. From what I know she has never been diagnosed with a personality disorder however she's suggested in the past that she's spoken to professionals about BPD. I really just want a compassionate look at the behaviour and whether I've acted poorly from all angles. Previously posted to /r/relationships and /r/BPDlovedones. I'm also trying to give my version of events in an environment where I don't seem like I'm antagonizing her so yeah advice from strangers on the internet may be best.**

Hi. My friend lets call her Steph has been a really good friend looking back. We hadn't known each other for very long about 2 years but we got close really quickly because we lived right next to each other and also because she'd always tell me about her problems usually about her relationship with her boyfriend and I'd listen occasionally giving advice.

She'd always make me cups of coffee or just generally be really nice getting me presents and I really loved having her around. After a while she broke up with her boyfriend which I'd been telling her to do for a while, he seemed quite arrogant and could be quite mean from what she'd tell me. At this point she met a new guy who I had known for a little while at that point and I was really happy for them.

A few months later I noticed that she'd complain about her new boyfriend lets call him Mike just as much. I knew the guy so I thought that doesn't sound like something he'd do but I'd keep pushing it aside and just saying I'm sure it'll be fine or being shocked that he'd act in a negative way towards her. We'd recently made some new friends as well around where we lived one guy lets call him Jacob was already quite close with Mike and me and him became friends too.

Around this time she told me she'd been treated by a therapist for anxiety and that she took medication. I told her it was fine. One day out of the blue she sends me a message on facebook asking if I'm free to talk. I was out at the time but I replied asking what was up. She told me she'd been feeling quite down and thinking about killing herself.

I reacted in the only way I knew how by telling her she'd eventually feel better. I know it seems irrational but for a few months I had that incident hanging over me. Was I a bad friend? Did I react badly? Why do I even feel like this? Since that day and for the last half of our relationship she just kept complaining about everything and everyone. She'd ask people to visit and then complain about how much they didn't care about her or used her. Jacob who befriended her boyfriend would always be made out to be awful. Sometimes she'd say the same thing about Mike like how he doesn't care about her feelings.

Through all this I kept reassuringly telling her everything would be fine, nodding along at her complaint even though I thought it was mainly her anxiety at this point. After a while I began to realize I hadn't had a positive conversation with her in about 6 months but I kept just putting it down to her anxieties.

I was on vacation with my family and she sent me an email saying I'd forgotten about her and that she'd find somebody else to talk to if I couldn't be there for her. I flipped at that point thinking I've barely spoken to my family for the last 6 month, haven't spoken to my boyfriend in a week (vacation) and she's accusing me of not caring about the friendship when I spent so much time with her. I told her that she could be really emotionally manipulative and that it was hard to deal with and that the way she tries to get attention from people isn't healthy.

I told her that we are different people and I can't be friends with her as it's beginning to be stressful, exhausting detrimental to my mental health (btw i'm on vacation). At that point I'd noticed she'd put up a status on facebook not that long after saying effectively that people didn't understand her illness and that they should try more.

I got really defensive at this point because the timings were too perfect and I'm really private. She said I was imagining things and 'what i'm not allowed to write a status?'. She refused to admit responsibility for anything so I told her i'd rather not be friends. At this point Steph would call me and I'd ignore because i was angry, she tried every trick under the sun to make me engage with her. Talking to me via a group chat about something unrelated, asking Mike to message me and see if I'm okay and then eventually I had enough and asked her not to try and contact me.

We have a lot of the same friends so I knew I'd have to see her around. I had a party to go to which I knew she'd be at so I thought If I don't go people might assume there's something wrong with me so I decided why not. I got there and because the things I'd said to her were still fresh and I very much felt still felt hurt I spent the whole evening keeping my distance, talking to people I hadn't spoken to before, enjoying myself and stuff.

We went to get food afterwards and I ordered and sat down. We were with a large group of people so there wasn't enough room for all of us to sit together. So I sat at a different table from the main group with a few other friends while she sat with Mike and a couple others.

The next day I went home and thought great I can actually spend time with people without having to act like her best friend and she seemed to handle it well. We'd usually been super talkative with each other but I thought if I'm mad it would be disingenuous to act like her best friend and besides I didn't feel like I even wanted to. I was still a little butt hurt about my vacation.

I get a message from Jacob saying Steph been talking about me and thinks I'm out to get her. I asked him honestly whether after the time he's known me he believes that to be true. He said no you wouldn't do that. I leave it alone and continue my summer of peaceful solitude.

About 3 weeks later Mike sends me a message telling me to understand her feeling, that this is difficult for her and that i'm being malicious. In the message he also wrote that something along the lines of "if you make this about you and her you won't win". I knew at that moment his conflict of interest meant he couldn't be impartial and I told him not to get involved. Repeatedly. He kept pushing me though and after a while I realized that he was just another way for her to vent her feelings at me.

He told me I was emotionally distant that that night (the one I thought went well) I had scoffed at her, repeatedly ignored her when she tried to talk to me and that when I sat at the table it was maliciously and in order to hurt her by splitting the group up. I did the same thing as with Jacob because I knew I hadn't spoken to anyone about mine and Steph's disagreement unless they came to me first. I asked Mike if he honestly thought that I was maliciously taking the group away or whether I just sitting down. Long story short he accused me of being malicious even though I'm certain I wasn't. Just distant to avoid some of the behaviors I didn't like.

Basically at the end of this I've been called insensitive, unable to deal with people emotionally and difficult because I don't want Steph to treat me the way she does.

Any advice would be great before this gets worse. I don't know what I've done or if I've acted in an insensitive way because I feel as though too many people are telling me I have. Maybe its because I've avoided speaking about it to others and she hasn't. HELP PLEASE!

EDIT:

(1) I only told her to break up with her BF when she told me he was being abusive.


(2) She was dating her new BF before breaking up with the old one (slight overlap of a couple months)


(3) He new BF was my friend that I introduced her too.


(4)When I told her it was fine that she had a mental illness It wasn't to validate anything it was me telling       my friend who was worried how i'd react that I didn't care if she took meds or had a mental illness.


Edit 2: I noticed a post by a mod about seeking diagnosis. I don't want a diagnosis I just want to know if I acted in an insensitive manner and how somebody who has BPD may perceive the situation. 