I know this isnt a place for getting diagnosis I just want to be pushed toward the right direction of things as I am lost.
I dont know if I am in denial to this stuff being issues though. When I would think of help, I just think this is probably normal stuff. From what I have looked at I dont think this stuff lines up with the diseases I have looked up. And I know if I would ask or go get help and this stuff be normal then I will be ridiculed by my family and the doctors. They will talk about it forever.

Background: So I am 22 year old man living at home. I take some classes online for Business Administration (as I didnt know what else to) In grade school I was always bullied. this took place from 4th grade until 12th grade. I have had some issues the whole time and still do today but I believe it's normal behavior depending on my mood. It has took me a few weeks to get this post how I want it

So here is just a couple things from my daily Journal I started a month ago when I finally started to question my ways

1. Every person I see outside my parents and grandparents I feel like they are going to bully or belittle me. I just know it's what is running through there head. Everyone, no matter what does this to me. Some even act on it by approaching me or 

2. I cant make eye contact or speak to people without feeling like I am going to jump out of my skin from panic/anxiety

3. I have little to no short term memory. I'm not sure when this started even.

4. I hurt internally when I hear loud noises like dropping something on floor (anything from salt shaker to a spoon), loud music, dogs barking, setting items down on glass tables, pretty much anything that is considered like those. I cant describe

5. I pick at bumps on my face, arms, underarms, private area. When I do it it's like, for lack of a better word, a drug high. Time passes so fast and it feels so good. I do this whenever I'm in front of a mirror or in good lighting. This is usually after I freak out over something

6. Anxiety over other people driving. Especially when they park. I end up cringing and saying some form of watch out

7. I go through these weird periods about every other day of a feeling I dont know how to describe as emptiness. 

8. I have turned down trips to places I know may have a bit of people.  Similarly if I am going to a plaxd and I see people inside the windows near the door (like a gym) I run back to my truck and dont go.

9. When driving everyone seems to want to try to hit me.  Also while driving I find myself daydreaming of other cars crashing and how it would happen. 

10. If I am with my family at a store I find myself going to the isles that isnt crowded. When they go to the register I usually go outside to the vehicle.  I know the camera watcher is watching me making fun of how I am alone but I can be a little more okay with that then see them face to face. 

11. I have a constant feeling I am going to get kicked out of the house. My parents haven't ever mention it at all but i know they will kick me out one day and i will end up on the street or under a bridge for the rest of my life.  I have expressed this worry to my mom and she says I have nothing to worry about but I know she probably ran to my dad and told him I am onto them.

13. I am quite. I am always asked if something is wrong by family members. I say nothing but I dont want to interrupt anyone and get them mad at me.  

12. If I do stuff it must be perfect. I have been jumped on at every job I have had as I am not fast enough. I have this issue everywhere. In test, washing dishes, doing clothes. My mom has jumped on me for wasting water as it took me a hour and 20 minutes to watch 23 utinsels and plates and put them on a towel to dry. O get told that I will get faster as I learn to do stuff but I have done this stuff for a while. I must make sure everything is done right or I will have screwed up. And will think of it forever

13. I have reoccurring nightmares of being bullied in school. It's always 1 of two different bullying events in school. These dreams happen once or twice a week.

The being perfect thing is probably the biggest thing I struggle with

A job is the worst thing for me in the world as I know when I am hired by HR they tell my soon to be co workers how I am and make my life hell. HR just hires me as they know how it will get my hopes up that maybe I can do something right. I usually end up leaving after 2 or 3 months after I get sat down by a boss for being too slow or not working well with a team.
Or I am legit sick and miss a day. At that point I stay out that day thinking of all they are talking about me and I cant bring myself to go in and be harassed for being sick. I come up with stories to tell my family that I was let go for budget cuts or stuff. I've got to the point to where in this rural beach town I have ruined every job opportunity with these franchises/corporations. Those 2 to 3 months of my life at a job are always the worst for me mentally.

My family says everyone goes through this stuff regarding jobs and I don't understand. They say after a month I will feel normal and it doesnt.

I am sorry for the long post as I know that people hate long post but I need to get this stuff out. I have been trying to get this message done correctly for a bit. Edited it a few times as I worry that some stuff may sound embarrassing. Originally I had a list of 25 things. 

If you decided to stick around and read/reply to this, Thanks in advanced as I dont know when I'll have the courage to read the replies. If you couldn't make it all the way through I do appreciate your time too. Also mods I am sorry if I have screwed up in the rules. I dont think I have violated any upon multiple inspections of this post