My life used to be great. I had friends, to spend days with, I ended my bachelor in electronics engineering and I was ready to start my master. It was a tough journey to arrive there but I was always up to a challenge.

Now instead I cannot study. I cannot focus. 
I fought with my friend who continued to be vulgar insulting me because I was not up to giving him money to pay his trip with his girlfriend because they were doing the weekend with us then going separately and he wanted us to pay gasoline and highway fees like we were going back by car with him (we had to squish ourselves in a small cars with others coming back). He said that he could not afford it so we should divide it. The trip was organized for my boyfriend bachelor degree party and I decided not to go due to this. 

No friend defended my position, they did it only after they noticed I was not coming. They tried to guild trip me first, "you organized this and it's for your boyfriend". It was not the first time for this guy treating me like that. The others decided to pay for good peace but it was not the first time in which this "friend" used to decide for everybody. Like he would invite people at his home because he wanted to decide what to eat (either that or stay home) and make them pay for more alcohol (made pay also people that could not drink because that was the rule) and drink the rest alone during his week. 

Now they don't go out with me anymore. They abandoned me.
Few days ago it was my birthday and I spent alone with a big herpes due to stress. If I hadn't my family and my boyfriend I would be already given up.
I cannot focus, I have homework to give the professor and the due date it's before 3 October and I simply cannot do anything.
I loved to sew dresses but I don't feel like it. I feel sad and I don't enjoy it anymore. 
I loved to cook but I don't enjoy it anymore.
I don't know where it all started but I am kinda sure that with the betrayal of my friends that was it. They hang out always at his house because there was no other place (too expensive go out every weekend where we live) and I live far away wrt them and so I was not invited often even before the fight because "you need the car and it takes time and we decided last minute".
After the fight it got worse.
We were all really friends and now I spend my days alone.

I gave everything to them. I was there for them, I was always doing my best. This "friend" is overweight and I brought him buying clothes in a very far place, I took my car to accomodate him and help him find clothes for him to fit good. I asked my parents for the car, paid the gas myself and he took it for granted. I did many things like this for them. I did for them caricature picture organizing games for all their degrees. I made food. I organized every birthday gift we had to do. They used to call me the grandma of the group because I am reliable. Now I see that I was used, and I did those things out of love so I don't regret them. I just see them as a wound now.

I don't know how to study for my master. I am already late. I am tired. I want to go to work, find new friends but I think it's too late for me. I don't want to put the burden on my boyfriend but he is all that I have now. I am afraid that with my sadness I will grow apart from him. He is the most precious person I have ever encountered, and I was too when I met him.

Now I am just a sad alone frustrated being that is useless and can't move on in life.

I know that my story has only my point of view and I passed months thinking I was the bad guy...but I don't think anymore. I am alone. My long time best friend (15 years of friendship) has got a job and never asks me out anymore. Maybe I have become too boring. I don't know why we grew apart and then it got worse.
I have few friends from a city near mine but I don't see them often because every time they go out they spend a lot of money I don't have. Due to that they have a stronger bond btw each other and I feel a lil left out. I pretend when I am out with them and I look forward to that so I can pretend to be normal for a day.

I don't know what to do. I am exhausted. I asked for psychological help from my university and maybe they will give me free sessions if they see I need it. I don't have money for a psychologist session. I am still in school and have no money. I hope it will be a start. My boyfriend said he would pay me my session but I asked him to be a lil patient and that I know I need help but I cannot accept it. I don't want to owe him money, I am almost there to make mine working. And he needs his money for his projects.

I used to be every time surrounded by a lot of people because I am a clown and make them laugh. But I noticed that's all I am: a reliable clown.

I hope this sort out the best but life lost his beauty. Sometimes I would like to sleep forever without waking up. I cannot do anything I panicked while studying and I spend half an hour looking at people walking feeling hopeless. 
And I got gastritis for stress and now herpes.
I cannot do this anymore.
I would like to function. I am an extrovert and a person full of energy. Or at least I used to be. Now I spend my days sleeping, worrying and feeling ill.

I live in Europe if anyone has suggestions to what to do.

Thanks for reading it if you did
It means a lot to me, I feel less alone