Everything just really fucking sucks... Each day feels harder and harder. Like there is no point to anything anymore. I wake up with no motivation to do anything and by the time I feel something, I have to go to work. Then when I get home, work has drained all my energy, leaving nothing left to clean the house or take care of myself. I barely eat. It takes too much effort to cook. It's only my days off that I feel I can actually accomplish something only to be filled with dread that evening because I have to work the next day. 

It's not like I have this big career or anything... I'm just a waitress. I'm not working towards anything. There is no goal. My husband is in university and so I'm just waiting for him to be finished and for us to be financially stable to travel and start a family... But that's years away. In the present, I'm just living day by day, trying to not fucking snap.

I have all these mental problems and it took me a long time to seek help. But instead of talking with a psychiatrist, the mental health programs in my town would only let me talk with a counsellor. And my god was that the worst shit ever. The whole "Look at the positives" and "If you don't feel like doing things, just do them in tiny amounts."

Yeah... None of that fucking helped.

I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from anxiety, depression, psychosis, and I might be a little autistic, but all I can do is fucking guess because no one will let me talk with a professional. And dealing with all this shit alone with no goals in mind is wearing me down.

How can I fight this shit when I don't know what I'm fighting for?

It's getting to the point where my happiest moments are dreaming of escaping everything. Not in the form of suicide (Usually) but imagining if society just crumbles. Everything just in shambles where all the survivors fight every day to survive.

A world free of social pressures.

Where I can explore, cause chaos, and have a purpose.

I love when blackouts happen and I have to pretend to live in dark times. I dream of the apocalypse. Anything that makes problems feel like actual problems.

Right now. Nothing fucking matters.

Technology is advancing, rich people and corporations are taking over, and we are slowly killing everything on Earth, while I'm worried about too much free time spent doing nothing.

It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. Everything is fucking pathetic.

But what can I do except vent to a bunch of strangers on the internet in the middle of the night. These feelings are only growing worse each day. My husband, mother, and bosses don't understand any of this and I feel so alone, waiting for the day I go crazy. I have to fight the urge to scream, swear and attack people constantly.

I crave so much chaos and violence. I need something to get my heart pumping, and this life isn't doing it for me... So all I can do is wait.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.