On top of BPD I have a lot of other issues. I find it difficult to be comfortable within my everyday life because of everything. Somehow I work well and function properly in a job and have been for a couple years. I treat it like I’m an actor, so it’s very draining to come home after workdays and I find it impossible to relax on the weekend or my days off.

I also have uncontrollable anger when I get triggered. It’s bad. It is truly the worst because I’m worried sometimes that I will end up in jail and lose everything in my life. I dissociate so hard in these moments and behave unlike I would if I was feeling okay. I have terrible intrusive thoughts too. I also seem to turn extremely racist and hate all animals except my preference for cats, as well as kids. 

Lately, I feel like I don’t even know myself. Some days I’m truly caring and loving and I feel like I’m such a wonderful person. Then the mood swing happens and I’m back to being an evil person where I legitimately feel like an emotionless devil. 

I don’t know how to control it. I don’t know what to do. I need help with my anger and no one can help me because I have like two people in my life and I have trained myself to be very careful around them like I am at work.

I’m flat out living a lie. I am so tired. I am pissed off at everyone because of this pandemic too and in my evil moments I get excited when the death amount rises.

You guys are like family to me. I know I won’t be judged, but I just feel awful. Deep down I’m good and I want to be good, but I can’t. I just emotionally, mentally and physically can’t. 

I feel like I’m going to give up one day just to save myself from what could happen and from hurting people emotionally or with my lack of self-control and overwhelming frustration and anger.

Someone please help me.