I’m only 18 and I don’t know how I can keep living like this. I was diagnosed with depression years ago. Diagnosed with autism recently. I’ve seen so many different therapists and psychologists and nothing has ever helped.

Going to school is a huge struggle for me, and when I rarely am there I constantly miss classes because I’m breaking down in the bathrooms. Everyone knows about my problems but all anyone can offer is an “are you alright?” or a “what’s wrong” and it doesn’t help. My parents try their absolute hardest to get me out of bed every day, but all I do is ignore them and cry the second they raise their voices. They literally have to drag me out of bed and dress me themselves because I just cannot move. It’s JUST SCHOOL. How am I going to live the rest of my life?

I tried getting a job and because of my health issues I passed out two hours in and never went back. Getting a job is horrifying to me. I can’t even do school. How am I supposed to do work when I find everything so boring and leaving the house is so hard.

I have a boyfriend and he is amazing and he loves me and I just can’t do anything for him because I’m always so fucking sad. I’m dragging him down with me and I don’t think he should like me because it’s only hurting him. I have no sexual desire most of the time. He wants to spend time outside and have fun and I just don’t want to do anything.

I’m destroying my family. My mom always tells me that I need to help myself and that she’s trying her hardest but she just doesn’t know what to do anymore. She wants to get a job but she’s too busy worrying about me and taking care of me all the time. She has depression, too, but she is amazing and strong and always doing something. My sister is all kinds of fucked up, but I get all the attention and her mental issues have gone fully ignored.

Sometimes, it’s fine. Sometimes I feel pretty good. But it hasn’t happened in so long. I’ve been bottling everything up and it’s just a matter of when I explode.

I can’t feed myself. I have food sensitivities and I’m a picky eater. So I’ve just been starving myself when my parents aren’t around. My boyfriend has basically become my caretaker. I’m destroying all the people I love.

The worst part is, I know this is all just happening because I’m selfish and lazy. I only do what I want. I don’t go outside because I just don’t feel like it. And I don’t care about fixing it because that’s just too hard.

About a month ago I nearly ended it. Biggest thing that’s kept me here is thinking about what my family would think. How I’d only destroy them more. But is the short term effect going to outweigh the long term effect of me slowly destroying myself and becoming absolutely nothing?

I feel so miserable. I feel like I can’t talk to my therapist because I sound insane. I can’t talk to anyone. Talking is such a struggle for me but it’s all anyone wants me to do.

My boyfriend suggested we go out and I cried and shut down. I’m such a bitch. I don’t know what to do. So the easiest thing to do is just lie in bed and cry.