My boyfriend and I have been having troubles and he's been breaking up with me the past month or two, yet still inviting me out for drinks, sleeping over, etc. Really stringing me along and making his boundaries unclear. So anyway, I've been in abusive and narcissistic relationships before,I recognize the pattern, but I feel so empty without a "person" by my side, which is why I've always had tendencies to keep the relationship going despite how toxic it becomes.


My reason for posting is about last night. We were drinking a lot, and came back to his house. Watched an hour video on youtube. He left for a cigarette, then came back and said "you should leave." I asked why. "All the times that you have kicked me out of your place in the middle of the night, I want you to know what thats like" . I was stunned because the night was going really well and this came out of nowhere.


Eventually, I'm not sure what we were talking about, but conversation got heated. At least it got heated on his end. He gets on rants, and circles around topics and all this energy is directed towards me. Even something I said over a year ago will be brought up as an accusation, despite my having apologized for it before. (It was when I said I don't trust him, when we first starting dating, i carried trauma from cheaters before). So he clearly had a lot to say to me, basically saying that he knew the relationship was falling apart from the beginning.  This aggression gives me extreme flashbacks and I shut myself down. I grow deaf to his words and his tone is all that is circling me , it's an anxiety attack. He also was never willing to understand what I go through with anxiety and ptsd. 


Well I stormed out, walked to the mini mart, he messaged me to come back inside "let's go to sleep, please dont drive home, we can deal with this later". I came back. He started his ranting all over again. His words and tone felt like fiery branding irons piecing through my body, it hurt, I was spiraling in to a really dark place. I ran out of his house, once again, and got in my car and headed home. Mind you, I was drunk also. It was 3AM. I got home safely, but intoxicated and crying I committed some SH on the drive home. I hadnt done that to myself in many years. 


I feel like that night could have gone differently if I had a better ability to discuss and communicate my feelings. But at the same time, the way he goes about it gives me zero chance to butt in. He has the center stage and he berates me till I have no coherent thoughts and i zone out, after he's done he "hands me the mic" and I'm either crying or catatonic. 


"It's so easy for you to just shut everything out so you never actually face your problems"


So now, I have work tomorrow, I'm a grown adult who relapsed in a dangerous behavior that I thought I had outgrown. I want to know how I can cover up what I did to myself so it's not "attention grabbing" and I also don't want to trigger anyone else. I know I get upset when I see scars on people, i dont want anyone else to feel the same way. 


TLDR : boyfriend broke up with me triggering an anxiety attack and I succumbed to SH and now I want to know how I can cover up so it's not obvious what I did and so I dont have to make anyone worry.