So, my Grandmother passed away last week. I wasn't really close to her, but still, I loved her dearly. My grandfather had passed away 5 years ago, and I was still 12 at the time, so it didn't bother me as much. However, seeing 5 years pass by so quickly, and remembering that my Grandmother was still able to function back then, eating her favourite foods, and that now I no longer can even see her face, it kinda hit me hard. It feels like I still feel the same way now as I did 5 years ago, not in terms of the fear but in terms of the feeling of time passing. Its as if the time that has passed don't feel like anything, like its just an illusion, I love life, and never want it to end. What will I feel in 10, 20 years time, probably the same, and I will probably lose both my other grandparents by then. Death is what scares me now, I kinda lied to myself that everyday passes the same after my grandad had passed, as if there was no end to the joy of my current life, not much worries, not much pain, loving parents and grandparents. However, now I know that life will end one day, and there are just a few things that really really make me afraid.

  I am terrified of my parents dying. I know I can't do anything about it, most likely it will happen in hopefully more than 30 years (They are 49 this year), but I know at that point in time I will feel time pass the same as it does now, the feeling will be the same, I will still be in the present, I can't go back, and I know I can't do jackshit about it, and that really makes me afraid. ( a fear of which I am trying to suppress) I am now entering a new level of school and every new milestone is no longer exciting for me, I fear it cause it reminds me how much time has passed, in way it reminds me that I need to cherish my time more, but it also reminds me that the time has passed and I can no longer get it back. I want to get the exams over with because I don't want to constantly work everyday, and yet I don't want it to pass as I am afraid of losing the time I still have right now. The anxiety of that added with the stress of going alone to a new school really terrifies me.

  I am afraid of my own mortality, the idea of sleeping forever, not knowing anything, forgetting whatever you lived for and whoever you lived with. It pains me to think that I will forget about my loving parents one day, that I will forget about my friends and my grandmother, I feel that they deserve better. A part of my understands that I wouldn't know anyways so it doesn't matter, but yet a greater half of me tells me that the joys of life is more worth it than death, remembering the greatest parents in the world, the first human that loved me in my life, and the first human I loved in my life. What will I do without their image in my mind? It will just be nothingness anyway so I shouldn't worry? Then comes the thought of, what's the point than, of living, if I'll forget about it all, if it will all end. The universe stops existing in my mind, and for all I know through a narcissistic point of view, will the universe and everyone in it exist even without me existing? I'd be dead, but will it still go on after I am dead? or perhaps it is just a fabrication caused by my existence.

  More importantly, will I be accepting of death? when I am there, how will I respond to getting older. I fear moving out of my parents home and getting a family of myself, for I fear that there is no way of paying them back if I only get to see them once a week in the remainder of their lifetimes, I feel that they deserve better, I feel that they deserve however long amount of time they want to spend with me, and yet they have accepted the fact that now that I am a 17 year old I have more important things to deal with then them, and yet I still feel that they are one of the most important things I have left in my life. I feel guilt that my parents are ok with the fact that as their son I will ignore them for other people in my life, and only occasionally come back to think about them, despite the amount that they've given me.

  I don't know what advice can help me, I have been trying to calm myself down, but to no avail, I spoke to my parents but they told me to just accept it as a fact, but yet my mind refuses to accept it. I've read countless articles, I don't know what to do anymore.