everytime i wish things to get well and try to be optimistic, everytime i hope, my happiness fades inside of me, it all becomes a disappointment and now im so scared to hope anything. i got hurt so much by the life and it's unpredictable, rare unfortunate series of events that im so terrified to hope any little thing. i feel like the failure, disappointment and suffering are on the way. i don't want them again. i don't want to think or hope anymore. every hopeful happy looking improvement makes me scared for future. i feel like i should just go numb so life can't deceive me one more time. i'm living in a numb derealization, can't even feel anymore like a person. i feel like a shell of a person, just a ghost.