I don’t really know how to make a concise post for this.

I have had CPTSD going back to a bad breakup in 2014 (also rooted in tons of violent childhood abuse). Ever since I broke up with my ex, I’ve been completely incapable of feeling feelings or connecting with any other person. I lost hope years ago I would ever be with another person for the rest I’ve life and I’ve constantly felt suicidal over the feeling that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.

That changed over the summer when I reconnected with an old friend of mine, someone I had feelings for going back before my ex, and someone who always meant a lot to me. I felt like on my end at least I could really connect with her and trust her, which is the first time I’ve felt that way since my ex. I had really strong, deep feelings for her and I felt hope that things would work out for me for the first time in years.

We also hung out a lot with another good friend of mine, my best friends brother who had worked together with her and stuff, they were also friends. I talked with this guy a lot about her, we talked a lot about all the stuff I mentioned above. So he knew that she meant a lot to me and why.

Unfortunately a couple months later, it didn’t work out with her and I stopped hanging out with her. I was pretty devastated by it. None of my friends were there for me, and ignored me when I reached out to them for support, so I stopped talking to them too. I currently don’t have any friends at all anymore.

Going back to November, I’ve seen her make a bunch of social media posts hanging out with that other guy. On paper it doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal,  because they were already friends and all.

But at the same time I don’t think they ever hung out together outside of work before I asked her to join us, because I had to give her directions to where he lived and everything.

I started to anxiety pretty strongly at times when we were hanging out, because I got the feeling she would talk to him more than me, seems like she would kinda follow him around and stuff. Idk how to describe it.  But I don’t know if that’s what I really saw or if I was just being paranoid.

But she’s going over there to have dinner at his house a few times. I know they went to get brunch at a place we all went to together before we stopped hanging out.

I honestly have no idea what to think. On one hand she’s always had a lot of guy friends, so just because she’s hanging out with him doesn’t mean anything. One of my remaining friends who was also in that friend group assured me nothing was going on between them. And the other guy went through a breakup early 2020, he said he wasn’t really interested in anyone.

But at the same time I just get a really bad feeling about it and I can’t get rid of it. It’s consuming me. I get constant intrusions about them being together and stuff. It would kill me inside if he was pursuing her now, or even going back to when he was encouraging me to pursue her and giving me advice and all that. He knows how much she means to me and how deep the attachment I have towards her is. 

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve been talking about this in therapy a lot and I’m not getting better over it. I feel constantly suicidal about this. She was over there again last night and I can’t stop thinking that something is happening. I don’t know what to do.