Symptoms i guess

- “restarting” (my life, games, tv shows, movies, social media &amp; technology) or getting the sudden urge to everytime i see an imperfection or flaw. Saying its a “fresh start” so i feel less guilty about giving up on everything. includes (making new accounts with new psswords often causing me to lose old pics of myself and memories, factory resetting phone constantly, trying to act more sophisticated than i actually am, cleaning every inch of my room) usually i become lazy and depressed again once i relapse (porn addiction or self harm)


- Procrastinating and avoiding activities that seem too challenging even though i know i can do them because i’m scared i will fail or i feel like i’m already too far down the rabbit hole. Chores for allowance (already blew all my money), schoolwork (already have bad grades) (Not trying / avoidance of responsibility)


- Suicidal thoughts that happen over serious things too but also happen also really really small things and unmeaningful things trigger it. I feel like its because i bottle up emotions and they come out in a big way that seems like its over something little


- Thoughts of self harm / already self harmed, takes my mind off of my problems and gives me a sense of euphoria after i finish


- Trauma (invalidating my own trauma?) Dad did something messed up, dont wanna explain, feeling like it was my fault i got beat even though theres no reason he should’ve put his hands on me. (Avoiding him because of this, and cringing at the memory of it) (Sometimes it feels like im making a big deal out of nothing and i deserve it even though he said humself it never should’ve happened) Used to gaslight me for speaking my mind or expressing myself even though he says i can tell him anything (Trust issues, feeling paranoid like nobody values me) 


- PORN addiction, going on about one or two years or it being severe and one year of me masturbating 3-5/7x a day because i feel empty inside. I have also developed weird fetishes feeling like im going to get POCD because i am looking at girls my age, and getting HOCD because of weird fetishes like humiliation, being enslaved, and being pegged / dominated by women &amp; girls. I also feel like a predator and weirdo for looking at stuff like rape porn, masturbating to creepshots, and watching bondage porn. Feeling helpless to solve said addiction and self sabatoging myself when i try to quit. Looking at everybody (incl. family 🤢) different and the world around me being more dull and my brain function feels like it’s getting worse (could be placebo) , memory definitely declining and ((more addicted to social media / phone (could be normal though)


- Anxiety, started getting anxiety attacks over health issues like having a heart attack, type 1 diabetes complications, and dying. Mom was there for me at first but as time went on i feel like she started taking me less serious and her advice didnt really help so i just dealt with them on my own, so i started becoming numb to them and i started getting physical symptoms , derealization, chest tightening, chest and heart pains, shortness of breath, legs/ body shaking, sweating excessively. Now it seems to have calmed down but its easier for me to get anxious, i got anxious at school this morning when i was signing up for my classes and my legs were shaking and i was sweating and i was terrified of people around me noticing. Also extreme bugphobia and overthinking it.


- Hard to put emotions into words, if i cant word something perfectly writing or texting i just dont say it. 


- Looking at and making memes and becoming complacent with everything even though i know there is a big problem


- Social anxiety, literally getting anxiety over texting my friends or overthinking about saying the wrong thing. if they have a slight change in personality i will overthink it to the point i feel like they dont like me anymore or they despise me or my friend group is talking behind my back, using it as a reason to isolate myself. Imposter syndrome with mental illness and feeling like im just making everything up and attention seeking. Feeling like a burden to people when i ask for any little thing. A memory in 6th grade sticks out when i remember in science class i was terrified to ask for a pencil and just sat there.


- Insecure about literally everything (my skin / acne, my stomach fat and the fact im overeating and my abs are going away, my hair and my forehead, my voice - being too soft spoken and my voice not being deep enough, my sexuality - always overthinking about it, mental health - imposter syndrome, my clothes and how i dress - always thinking someone is judging me for what i wear and being embarassed) basically just really self conscious and this affects me the most in my day to day life honestly.

i want to get an evaluation on my mental health and i’ll take pills (even though im kinda scared) if i have to i just can’t keep living like this. it feels like my entire life is crumbling in front of my eyes its actually time to get some help and if you have any suggestions to what i should do please tell me. I haven’t told my family about any of this but i guess its just easier to tell people on the internet that i dont have to see in real life.