I recently found this subreddit and it has been nice to see all the memes and other people suffering with this shit.

I got diagnosed a couple of years ago and it was no surprise: it runs in the family. Still I find it hard to deal with all this and accepting that I have a chronic mental illness or whatever you want to call it.

I've been taking my meds and all that but I haven't really realized I need to take care of myself and actually be careful with things, such as alcohol or even sex.

I think I'm fine with the depression - I feel more like myself and more aware of the things I do or say or how I behave with other people.

It's the manic ones I can't stand and usually when I notice it it's already too late. These past two weeks I have, for example: drank myself blackout drunk a couple of times, bought tickets to another country to see a guy I only met once before, decided to have a birthday party (I hate birthdays normally), maxed my credit card, decided to have sex with a customer of mine (I work in a bar) and well, that didn't end up too well. It's not my first rodeo - all was good until I went to some kind of manic rant that I don't even remember much about but yeah, he wouldn't answer my texts after that. And it always happens - they like me until they find out I'm kinda insane. And I get it, but still, it hurts, every single time.

It could have been much worse but still, I'm very sick of this. Like I don't know what is me and what is the bipolar thing. Am I ever happy or am I just kinda manic? Is there a normal for me and what it would be?