Woke up and couldnt scrape myself off the bed late in the late afternoon. Oh wait let me introduce myself first. Im just a deadboy pretending to be alive like some fucked up version of pinocchio in which the puppet is actually a maggot ridden fucking corpse. You see? Its been this way awhile, as i was born with Cystic Fibrosis, and later in my peachy childhood developed Borderline Personality Disorder. If there could somehow be a god he's a fuckin dick. He made me a very limited especially special CF mutation just for me. Then he gave me a fucked up life full of abandoment and abuse which led to an empty feeling in my chest which i find extremely ironic because my chest is actually the opposite of empty its completly full with extremely thick mucus thats the same conistancy and color as thick glue. ALAS THERE IS A GOD THIS SHIT IS JUST TOO GOOD SOMEONES GOTTA BE WRITING IT. Anyways this time of year proves to be very trying for me due to the fact the incident in which caused my BPD occurred around this time of year and also the other little thing... Pneumonia, the fucking pneumonia. I swear i'd be okay if it werent for that fucking pneumonia. Cystic Fibrosis is often reffered to as the life long cold so as you can imagine getting sick on top of being born sick isnt much fun. I cant get any cold  or bug this time of year without it turning into pneumonia or some other lung/sinus infection that is equally just as shitty. Best part is the only way i can make money to somewhat support my pathetic fucking life is dealing with people. Well you know people and how unclean they are. With how weak my immune system is i stand no chance up against the mighty cold that would affect a normal person for a few days tops but tends to throw me into a downward spiral of medical bills, nasty lung infections immune to all antibiotics known to man, frequent hospital stays. This downward spiral can last sometimes for several months. Anyways now you know me back to New Years Eve. After i forced myself out of bed hacking up a lung, as i do ever so freqently, i started the daily battle of trying to muster up the strength to deal with people. I then got called into work early because we were going to close early due to the holiday. I had not been informed we were going to close early and to your surprise i was very dissapointed. I would have loved to have spent the night at work shit its what i did for halloween and thanksgiving. To not have to try to be a human id love that. Thats kinda why im in the food industry i move like a fucking robot. Work is where i can just be a robot and i function well, now life and family i really struggle. Id love to just have hidden at work but life said no. So i spent the night emotionally numb and disconnected from my family while in the same room with them. Being numb is my only coping method to the impulsive behaviours i have countinously reveled in in the past. I havent been in therapy for years and even when i was i always munipulated my therapist into thinking i had recovered from my BPD because i never trusted them to begin with. Trust crumbles when you dont have one fucking friend in the world because you cant pay the shrink. I am just wingin it really at the moment not taking any meds for my BDP and only taking the natural meds for my CF. I have a nasty lung infection at the moment but am ignoring it due to the tremendous medical debt im already in and my distrust/fear with doctors. Anyways fuck new years i hate being reminded i will never be loved for who i am because i am a hideous fucking corpse whose damaged emotionally and physically. Im not looking for love anymore and fuck people WHO say "youre 19 you have all the time in the world". You know what i say to that "Fuck you bitch statisticly speaking im already atleast halfway dead". Now that im a middle aged 19 year old man I am much wiser and a lot better at controlling my impulses. I figure the CF is gonna kill me soon anyways so ill stick with natural death and not a death caused a bad impulse i encourage you all to do the same. I did not engage in self harm or reckless behaviour this year(first in many). Its called self control i enourage any other in a similar position to understand just how powerful self control is. If you take away anything from this let it be this "Control yourself for your own self and fuck doing it for anyone else." Happy fucking new years 💀