I had a decent day at school and I had fun shit planned to do (chat roulette and the next episode of ahs). When I was getting picked up by my mom (it’s 20° and windy here) she would only tell me where she was in cardinal directions. I had to get out a fucking compass like lewis and clark to find her. I’ve never had to do this and keep in mind it’s not a big parking lot, just big enough to do this in. It took me 20 mins and made me anxious and pissed off.

Then I get home and find my lock on my door gone (the whole thing, there’s just a hole there). We’ve long had a “no locked door” policy but it’s rarely enforced. My first reaction is anger and I basically throw my phone and bag to the floor (got a small crack on the screen protector) and then I just kick random shit for a few minutes. I calm myself down and ghetto a lock (shitty quality but I would improve it). 

My mom sees me doing this and tells me to stop, so I say I’ll just move my furniture in front of the door. She doesn’t allow this and starts yelling/laughing at me. In my eyes, I took a situation that made me highly anxious and uncomfortable and adjusted it so I could fucking relax. I told her this and she said “that doesn’t matter it’s my house”. Like I wanna combination stab a screw driver right into her vocal cords and curl into the fetal position.

After she left I went into my closet (walk in, not big enough where I can lie down but I can stretch my legs). I basically had a half panic attack (what felt like it ig) half ineffectual violent rage. This went on for fifteenish minutes before I could calm myself enough to go get my phone, sucking in my chest to not sob and make noise. 

Then I got back and piled all my clothes in front of the door (there’s no lock) and curled into the corner. I can kinda calm down now but not enough to leave the closet. The thought of it makes me curl in more and want to whimper. Why I’m writing this (still firmly in the corner of my closet), I don’t know. I wanna change out of my uniform but the thought of undressing makes me uncomfortable. 

My plans were going to be go for a walk and smoke a cigarette to calm me down but I don’t have a lighter.  And I can’t use the waterproof matches I do have. 

Longterm (rest of today) I’m either going to throw most of my stuff away (I don’t care where it goes just away from me) or sleep in the attic temporarily. Only problem is it’s freezing and the attic is filthy and uninsulated. Most likely, I’m going to burrow in the dirty clothes piles in my closet take a lot of drowsy allergy medicine and try to sleep. 

I can’t live like this I feel like I’m dying, I’m going to try to not go to school tomorrow. Fuck and I needed to shower today too. I understand how Adam Lanza feels now.

Any advice you have is welcome