Hello everyone, my childhood was a mess, my dad left and my stepdad abused me for about 8 years, it probably could be classed as torture some of the things that happened to me, but also I witnessed severe domestic violence on a daily basis. I think I also have undiagnosed autism and ADHD which I am trying to get assessments done for. I have PTSD, PPD, BDD, depression, anxiety and am also awaiting assessment for BPD and Bipolar. I’m just a walking talking mental illness 😂. Anyways, that’s the past. I started therapy about 6 months or so ago. What the therapy has made me realise is I am really fucking abnormal. my brain doesn’t work the way anyone I know does. I have next to no social skills, no self control, no sense of what is socially acceptable/unacceptable, and so I come off as a weirdo to others. That isn’t my intention, I don’t go out my way to be weird, I just don’t really understand much. I have friends, socially I guess they would say I’m quite confident and funny and witty but I feel like I can be myself around them. I have strange rituals, like getting approval from walking around town, I have no self esteem, no level of confidence, no sort of feel good factor. If I meet new people, I can’t be myself and sometimes can be quite strange/creepy because I don’t really know what to do with myself. If I’m attracted to someone, sometimes I can become quite stalkerish, not on purpose but it’s just how I am. My brain works in an all or nothing way which means I either work at one extreme or the other: so for example, by trying to fake confidence I become cocky and narcissistic, or have no confidence what so ever. I looked on websites on how to look more confident and it tells me to use eye contact so I end up staring at everyone and it makes me look weird. I judge my attractiveness off the number of social media likes/ dating app likes. I have obsessions and things I hyperfocus on. I have no knowledge of social cues either, if my friends tell me a girl finds me attractive/looks at me I just don’t understand what they’re saying. I can’t tell what people mean by their expressions. I am extremely extremely sensitive too. Social media was the straw that broke the Carmel’s back for me. I had to delete it all because now it seems it’s just turned into berating and belittling everyone and so it turned me suicidal for a few months earlier this year. I’m a bit better now. I’m trying to become more aware so I guess this is more of a rant than anything else but I fucking hate myself.