 Maybe  it was 8th grade. All the girls are in a huddle in the classroom  laughing. I learn im the joke. They are laughing at the idea of someone  liking me. I have a twin brother. We went through an awkward stage that  lasted a while and having to look at my twin made me self conscious. I  dont think people think about that. Walking around with basically a  mirror of yourself can be hard if you already have self confidence  issues. I have clear memories of being made fun of and humiliated  because of my pale skin, the way I ran and walked, my lack of  athleticism. Women would directly tell me I was gross becuase I couldnt  tan. (lived in FL). I had depression in highschool. It got better after,  but I still carried the feeling that I was weird and unlikable.

fast  forward to now. I am basically a completely different person. I am very  active and think I look better then I ever have. I dont give a shit  about my pale skin. I moved and no one cares.

But  some memories bounced back. I have a hard time dating this year. People  blowing me off. And I like this women I am friends with. I feel like  she sizes me up/checks me out sometimes but then she talks about her  type. Taller then her, and she is taller then me. She also lifts and I  rock climb and it seems obvious that she seems to like bigger more  masculine dudes.  But I get weird mixed signals, I think she sees me as a  cute friend or something.

But I  was working out a minute ago and was thinking about it. Again feeling of  self worth came up and I all of a sudden felt like I was back in 8th  grade with women laughing at me. I had a mild panic attack that lasted  awhile.

I have moments where I am  more confident, but I realize that these memories still have power over  me and I am not sure how to process it. I am seeing a therapist, need to  bring this up to him next time.

I've  been working on my mental health for two years now and I think  confidence is continuously my biggest issue. Feeling of being unlikable  is hard to move past becuase not only did I experience humiliation from  women when I was young(verbally), but I also often felt cut out of  things in social settings.

lack of confidence is such a self fullfilling thing. Women dont want that, and even friends find it uncomfortable, but then the rejection re-affirms the self-confidence issues.