So I (22f) and dating my bf (20m) for 7 months. I love my boyfriend more than anything else in the world. He's honestly the only thing that's been keeping me alive. (I have severe anxiety and depression, and my will to live rests on him). 

We've been living together for 5 months and after the first month we've ironed out all the typical issues that's come with first moving in together. (Trying to live a life with someone else and getting used to it). 

We have two roommates, J (21m) and F (20m). Both have been have girlfriend and have been dating said girlfriends for 3 years and 1 year. 

Now my boyfriend isn't conventional my type. I was kind of promiscuous in college and liked the stereotypical Douche bag wattpad bad boys. He is nothing like that. He has a great job, is super smart, and plays video games. He's very sweet and caring, and has made it very clear that I'm the love of his life, his soul mate, and he wants to marry me. I very much feel the same way. I've changed alot for him, and he got me to seek help with all my issues.

I moved here from a different state. Im talking east coast to west coast, over 2000 miles. I had no friends, no family, no job, no transportation for the first 3 months besides him, so I was very lonely for a while and it made me feel even more isolated, sad, scared, and lonely. All not good for my mental health. I attempted to make friends with my boyfriend's best friends who were our roommates so I would feel less alone. 

I finally got a good job (making more than him), some friends from work, and a motorcycle. Our roommate J also has a motorcycle, and was the one who convinced me to get my lisence which has honestly made me the happiestive been in a while. I love my bike. I got him (J) a better paying job at where I work, and we would car pool to work together before I got my bike which lead to us spending lots of time together and doing things together on our off days bc they matched up. 

He (J) is the one with the gf of 3 years and my boyfriend's best friend. He's totally loyal to her and 100% invested in her and only her and has not one but 2 rings to propose to her with. Here's the kicker, I have a massive crush on him. He is a majority of my good memories here if not almost all, he's handsome, caring, and honestly probably spent more time with me than my boyfriend has in the months I've been here. We've been mistaken for dating countless times, and when i was getting my bike from a dealership, the man thought we were together and married. 

I realized I had a crush on him when we were driving home at night on the freeway with the windows down, listening to Joji, and fireworks were going off bc it was the fourth of July (cheesy I know). I've very aware that this is extremely fucked up on my part and I beat myself up over it daily to the pointits really affecting my mental health even more. It's gotten to the point that it's making my anxiety and depression worse bc i feel like a terrible person. 

He's honestly a tattooed "bad boy" and is conveniently my type, but I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend. However, I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on him, and have no idea what to do ab my crush on our roommate and my bf's best friend. (I would NEVER hook up with him) 

J has definitely called me out for "fanfic-ing" him (having lapses of judgment where I let it show on my face that I think he's doing something attractive, but don't say anything), and he relishes in the attention and gets giddy ab it and calls me out, but other than that we're just good friends. He eggs me on and makes flirtatious comments back, but I know he'd never jeopardize his realtionship either. He just likes the attention and affection, and I like the back and forth. I feel like it's totally harmless, but feel like I'm fucking over my bf.

Neither of us would ever do anything to the other (both extremely loyal to our SO's), but I feel really bad ab having a crush on him and don't know what to do. I've been ignoring it for months, but I feel dirty, gross, and bad ab having a crush on him and i cant take it anymore. What do I do reddit?