Lost..

So I’m not exactly sure to put into words what I am feeling and thinking. My mind has been flooded with anxiety and depression for at least the last 10 months. Ever since I recovered from COVID. I’ve been stuck in existential thoughts nonstop ever since. Truth is I’ve always had thoughts like this. But never to this extent. Its this feeling like I am hyper analyzing everything in my existence and awareness. Almost like when you say a word enough and then it stops making sense, I’ll have thoughts of how I am not really a self. There is nothing I can point to that is actually me. An idea I picked up when I started looking into Buddhism and meditation to help me find some grounding. However, realizing this has forced me to hone in on the fact that souls are probably not real, that I am truly just a product of my brain states and my body. Which means that there is not free will as far as I’m concerned. None of us have it. I look at others, even the ones I love, and don’t see them anymore. How could they be there? There are no selves to begin with.  How can I trust my senses when science has already said they are not all that reliable.  Split brain patients can be both believers and atheists.  Our conception of time is also an illusion. The deeper we dig, the more things make less sense and the more Perceptual reality seems to be a farce. How do Buddhists actually believe this, without going absolutely mental. That the anxiety is an illusion too? That does nothing to quell it.  Acceptance, blah blah blah. I’ve been trying to accept all of this. But I just can’t do it. No amount of meditation or meds, or counseling have helped me come to terms with any of it.  The cessation of suffering? Why should I care about anyone else’s suffering or my own, none of us are really here anyways. I used to care a great deal about others. About how they were feeling, what they thought of me. How I could help them. But now I don’t see any of that. Am I shit out of luck then? Do I just not get to come home? Real salvation does not exist. Just a bunch of coping mechanisms for piles of meat that think they are something more then a bundle of processes. 

Truth is I can tell I’m not in a good place at all with my thoughts. I fear I am actually going crazy this time. The ultra skeptic in my head won’t let me rest. The only thing that brings me even a little peace is going to church with my parents and listening to the pastor. Finding some flickers of my old faith. A belief in good, in right and wrong. The things I used to ground my world in. But it’s so unbelievably hard for me to have faith nowadays in the light of modern science.  What is my way forward? I apologize for the rambling. I probably didn’t make much sense. I’m just so tired.