My FP is my closest friend who helped me get help and diagnosed with BPD. He's the only person I've ever been able to open up to wholeheartedly. He was patient, caring and understanding. He's the type of person who doesn't get mad easily. He was the ideal friend for someone like me with BPD. 

Things got super rocky recently. I'm in-between therapists and life hasn't been great. I lost my job, I got my dad arrested (he attacked my little sister, and has abused me for years but I have this overwhelming guilt for putting him in jail,) and in an attempt to get closer to other people, I've ended up pretty much losing any other potenrial close friend as BPD scared them all away. 

I've been relying on my FP a lot recently because of this. But I've been ridiculously suicidal and I've survived 2 attempts now. My FP has started to become emotionally abusive after the suicide attempts. When I get depressed, he becomes frustrated and tells me things like he wishes I didn't exist, making me more suicidal. On occasion he's been physically violent, throwing me out of his moving car or hitting me when I've said horrible things to him (not meaning it of course, but I do provoke him) and without a regular therapist, remembering coping mechanisms has been extremely difficult.

This past week, I decided I'd had enough and I turned off my phone. I started doing yoga and my mind started to clear up a little. My Filipino auntie (who's a mental health nurse) has offered to help my family immigrate to the Philippines away from my toxic father and drama and live a life in sunshine and a 24/7 support. I've found a new lease on life as I await to immigrate at the end of next year. I'm aware it's running away, but nothing is grounding me to Canada other than my family, and if my family moves I sort of have to move too.  

Doing yoga and not constantly worrying about other people and just being a lone wolf was liberating, I really loved it. 

However, going quiet made my FP and some acquaintences believe I'd committed suicide. When I turned on my phone yesterday my phone was flooded with all these heartfelt messages that shocked me to say the least. My FP went on a whole thing about how he could hug me and how he was so depressed thinking I'd died. I sort of fell back into messaging him again. I was careful and I wasn't like before where I would message him all the worries I had and place a huge burden on him. I just texted him funny tid bits of my day or memes I found. Nothing heavy, light hearted. And then I told him I was immigrating.

Instantly he just sort of shut me down. Told me he hated talking to me, how I made him super angry. Every time I talk to him now I just cry afterwards. He is very hurtful and brings me down and has even gotten to the point where he tells me to kill myself, but to do it right this time.

I sort of understand his where this is coming from, I betrayed him trying to kill myself. But he's become just as toxic as me.

I can't be friends with him anymore. I have to cut him out, he hurts me more than he helps me. But I have such an attachment to him I find it hard to fully let go. He was the first person I could open up to safely. I can't open up to my family because they're dealing with mental issues themselves (my dad fucked us all up) so part of me just has to hold onto my FP. I'm also sort of scarred from this and I get terrified when I try to open up to anyone else in case I get this scenario 2.0. I even get weary around therapists.

TL;DR My FP used to be trusting and caring. It was very difficult to get him angry, he was the perfect friend for someone with BPD. Now I'm in-between therapists, life has gotten very tough, and after 2 suicide attempts he snapped. He abuses me emotionally and physically (tells me to kill myself but properly this time, and throws me out of moving cars.) I understand that my suicide attempts were devastating for him, but this change in behaviour is really damaging me. I need to cut him off but my whole being just cannot let him go.