Hey guys and girls, I don't really like to post much as I'm more of a listener and read people's stories and whatnot. Lately, I've been getting so low with my BPD as I thought I had more control with it over the years, my splitting behaviors are starting to become more common and I feel like eventually I'm going to pop and do something reckless. As a male with BPD, it's always been a little off because I have been a frequent visitor to the psych ward throughout life and most psychologist's I dealt with seem to write me off because it's much less common in my gender. I can understand the ignorance, but it's never really helped me in the long run for when I went for my hospital visits.

As the type of person I am, I have always been resourceful in getting my needs met so I exhausted pretty much all kinds of treatments like DBT, CBT,  1on1, Meds, etc. It's all been effective enough to teach me valuable things when I get into the splitting mindset. But as a result due to some extremely traumatic events in my life, these methods can only go so far as to help. I'm getting to the point where things are becoming blurry and I'm gradually turning to a "fuck it" mentality where I could care less of any consequence.

I've been pretty suicidal for as long as I've been alive, but as I said, I sought treatment and it's worked, but it never truly made anything go away. One day I will more than likely take my own life, and I won't think it's a big deal at that moment because it won't really be *me* making that decision.

Currently, I'm trying to get in touch with getting placed in another PHP program but because I had issues there in the past, it's directly affected me in a way that had made my situation worse. In all honesty, I just need to get out of this area that I live in so I can seek help elsewhere.

Anyway, that's all I got. Thanks.

tl;dr Gradual degradation of self due to reoccurring splits, suicidal plans inactive but brewing; etc