TLDR at the bottom...

\*\*\*Context\*\*\*

I've dealt with seasonal (holiday) depression for many, many years. I generally got back on top of things by the end of January, and was fine again until Thanksgiving, rinse, spin, repeat. A few years ago my therapist \*and\* my doctor suggested that I may be dealing with a larger problem (as in, depression all the time, just worse around the holidays) and not be aware of it, so I went on meds and saw an \*\*immediate\*\* improvement. I still had low patches, but instead of weeks, they lasted a day or two. Seasonal droops had flattened out too.  


Last year I noticed a downturn, not terrible, but noticeable. I shouldered through it. Around May/June of this year, Doc upped my dose and again I felt an improvement. But the clouds gathered around Dec. 1st, and they gathered quickly. Maybe I didn't notice, or maybe I deliberately ignored them, I don't know. I just know that I'm deep down right now. I have that weird numb pain in my chest... the one you get right before you burst into tears. It's constant, I feel like I'm going to break down at any second and my confidence is shot to hell.   


A few days ago my wife made some (rather direct) comments about me being depressed. She's very much a "You choose how you want to feel"/"Carpe Diem" kind of people (admittedly I was too for a long time). She said she just tells herself that she's going to 'rock it today' and she does. This got me thinking...

I give myself positive affirmations, I listen to upbeat music when I know I'm low, and I'm a pretty logical guy... why doesn't this work for me?

Here's what I feel like I "discovered"...

There are things that happen that make a person sad, that's normal... it's being a human. Eventually the person adapts to the new normal, and they're back on top again. That's not depression. Sometimes it's a big sadness, might take longer to come out of... still not depression. When you can associate your mood to a specific event, it's probably not depression. 

TLDR;

Sad moments make a sad \*person\* for a while.

Depression makes \*everything\* sad for a person, with no end in sight.

People who've never experienced depression simply cannot understand what it feels like. Just like I'll never know what childbirth feels like... I \*know\* it's painful, I've been in \*\*severe\*\* pain before, but it's not childbirth, and I could never understand what that feels like. 

So well-intentioned or not, hearing someone tell me I simply have to "tell myself" to not be depressed, it just makes it worse. Makes me feel like not only am I broken, feeling worthless and struggling to keep my head up, that I'm somehow even \*more\* broken because I can't simply talk myself normal. 

Hopefully I can remember that when someone says I should simply 'cheer up' or 'Carpe Diem'.  
...and I hope this helps someone else out too.   


Thanks for reading.