In the moment im 16 and turning 17 next two weeks. (may 19th). Im a junior in high school. 

Honestly, at this point I don't want to live anymore. I went to a competitive High school and lets say I wasn't a fit for the environment. Everyone was brighter, mature, etc more than I'll prob ever be. I was depressed before high school so im not going to sit here and blame it on high school. I struggled to do well in school, I thought (and I still think) that nobody cared about me and I would have prob been better if I wasn't here. Now im in my last cycle of my junior year. My GPA is 2.8 (average from Freshman-to current year) and I took the SAT it was a 1140. 

I feel like whatever I want in life, I'm never gonna get. I wanted good grades, go to a state university, have a BF, etc. Overall, basically lived how I wanted to live. I ended up with nothing. I have below average grades, I might not even get to a college because of my stats and allthough im retaking the SAT in June, I honestly don't want to study for it. Whats the point of trying anymore when I don't even get what I want in return. 

My parents asked, if I don't study what would I do? What do I want? I said "I honestly dont know" but I really just "want to basically not be here"(I didn't tell them this). I feel like it would be easier if I wasn't here. I won't have care about not getting into a dream college, having a good SAT score, etc. I honestly just wish I wasn't here. I feel like (im not religous btw I am agnostic however), whatever place we go after we are not here anymore would be better than life in general. I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to.

I don't ask anyone to respond, I just need to get this out of my head.