7 months since I last saw or talked to the girl I loved for 10 years. It's been 9 months since she heard a family member dropping by unexpectedly and she locked ME in a room and told me to be silent.  

I'm not sure there's another person on this planet who can understand the pain that still hasn't healed. I'm not sure I can even express everything that led up to the final hurt that convinced me to leave, without me writing a book about the 4 years previously. 

But most importantly I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll never be able to get close to someone again. I'm afraid I'll never feel like I matter to someone else again. I'm afraid I'll never feel loved by someone else. I'm afraid I'll never feel comfortable with someone else. I'm afraid I'll never be able to have sex with someone else. I can't even talk to anyone about it because I don't know how to explain how it feels even 7 months after cutting her out of my life. 

I've been hurt a lot and been through a lot of relationships in my life. But nothing has ever hurt me the way she has. 

Don't get me wrong. I love myself. I practice self care daily. I know I'm worth loving. I just don't know how I'll ever trust someone else to feel the same again. 

I just wish I wasn't so alone... I wish she had cared about how badly she hurt me... thanks for listening internet strangers... Wishing you all the best.