I grew up within a close-knit expanded family, consisting of three generations. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and their children all lived close by. Culturally this is normal where I'm from and so is reaching and spending adulthood in the same area.

They are nice people deep down, and my childhood was happy and even privileged, but at some point, this horrible dynamic developed where excellence was demanded from the third generation (my 6 cousins and me)  and everyone became terribly competitive and judgmental regarding us kids. We became pawns by which our parents sublimated their own insecurities and conflicts, they increasingly made us compete with one another in appearance, popularity, academics, sports, you name it, everything we did was scrutinized, judged and compared, there was even a point in which who was the tallest became an element of contention as we were growing up FFS. 

By the time we were in our late teens we were all passive-aggressive and resentful of each other, everybody developed a particular style for dealing with it. Mine was to shut down completely, I became intensely private in an attempt to protect myself from judgement. Nothing was shared, my grades,  my friends, who was I dating, what my hobbies were. I did not want them to be graded. I eventually became distant from my family. 

I'm in my early twenties now, a college grad, and I'm stuck. Since the judgement is still ongoing from the ever observing aunties and parents. I can't do anything without thinking how it would look like to others. I question whether my choices will make me successful and crave praise and success obsessively while fearing rejection and disapproval intensely, so I can't move forward.  I'm completely aware of this and I hate it, but I don't seem to be able to shake it off. 

In short, who do I do life for me? Without wanting to please others or fearing disapproval, it's paralyzing.