When are these SI (suicidal ideations) going to go away? I cant handle them anymore but I don’t want to act on them either. I’m doing everything I can to stay alive and be happy but shit just keeps hitting the fan. All I think about is dying. I have compulsive suicidal thoughts. Having ocd makes these thoughts compulsive. It’s so frustrating. Fighting these thoughts is so hard and I have done it for over a decade. I acted on them in high school and attempted 3 times but I haven’t since then. I can see why a lot of people with bipolar disorder have problems with substance abuse. This shit sucks. And man…. The depressive episodes? Holy fuck. Bipolar disorder hurts so bad. PLUS…. I have OCD, PTSD, ADHD, and GAD (general anxiety disorder). Those make my symptoms worse. I have a full time job and it’s my first “real” job. I have benefits and all that jazz but in the past I’ve never been able to hold a job. I’m so scared. I’m in a psychology master’s program right now with an end goal of me getting my PhD in psych. I have all these goals but I always wanna give up. I’ve dropped out and re-enrolled in college about 5 times. I feel worthless a lot and I hate my mood changes. No one fucking gets it dude. No one in my family at least. I feel judged because of my mood swings. I’m not lazy, I’m just DEPRESSED. I’m not happy, I’m just off my fucking ROCKER and hypomanic! Ugh :/ . 

Also, before I get sent the suicide hotline and stuff, I just wanna let you know that I do indeed have the number, as well 988. 

I’m sorry we struggle with this disorder guys, I feel for you guys and I support you from afar. Hugs. 

Thanks for listening &lt;3