First of all. I'm 22 years old male.

I've been bullied, abused and tortured mentally in every aspect and area of life:

-severe explosive anger issues.

-severe PTSD from bullying and all (I regularly dream about my past bullies and often see my ex, who I see apologizing to and  who I was abusive to)

- dysfunctional family with father being a constant cheater and manipulator. My mom left him when I was 5 or 6 (only to come patch up after a few months).


-My mom left my dad when I was 5, to live with my maternal grandmother who lived in a joint family . Her brother's wife  was the epitome of evil and used to wake me up by kicking me in my sleep, when my mom and everyone used to go for work. Yes, she did that.

- mom dad patched up but things still got worse. I still remember all their fights even when I was 8 and had to shift along with mom again (only for my mom to patch up again aftee four years)

-school was worse too. I never excelled in studies. I have failed atleast one subject since 5th grade. 

- hence, I had no friends, only fake friends who were back stabbers but I pursued the friendship with those because nobody else wanted to be friends and I didn't want to be *abandoned*.

-i used to be bullied a lot in school. I didn't have a single friend in school. Childhood was extremely lonely and depressing.

-Age 11: a guy at a Barbershop sexually assaulted me. Basically used my hand to jerk himself off.

- spent most of my later years depressed and lonely until I got a gf. 

-things were great until something bad happened and I fell into depression six years ago out of which I never completely recovered. I became abusive. I was 16. Went on for two years. I was depressed throughout and thought nothing except suicide. 

-abusive behaviour towards gf and bff continued. When she tried to leave, I told I will kill kill myself. (I'm ashamed of that pathetic cowardice and don't know what got into me)

- patched up. Found out some secrets about them, which were some lies and  betrayals,  and got into frequent fights. When they tried to leave again, I hurled way too many abuses for way too long, and plotted revenge. My friend eventually knocked some sense into me that what I was doing was monstrous. Till then I've been way too ashamed and guilty and think of ending my life.

I'm a pathetic person basically. 




Tldr: I lack empathy, I've way too much guilt. I've threatened people I loved to best then or crack their skull open. I've suffered constant trauma since age 5. I've suffered every kind of abuse out there. I've *constant paranoia of people plotting against me, turning against me or abandoning me* and I've been through terrible emotional, verbal and physical abuse.